3 updates from letter-writers

by Alison Green on October 23, 2015

Here are three updates from recent letter-writers:

1. My employee keeps giving me instructions

After having read all the comments (which were very useful, by the way), I came to realize more about why my employee has been acting this way. In short, she had been on her own for a few months while I was away on maternity leave, so she may have become a bit territorial. Moreover, in the long run, this position is contingent upon how busy we will be in the future, so she may be just trying to prove her worth.

However, after reading more of your blog posts (again, they are really helpful!), I came to realize that I am partly to blame for this. It’s my first management role, and in my effort to create a good working environment, I have been more friendly than I should have been, meaning that I believe I have conveyed that our relationship is lateral rather than vertical (if that makes any sense). So, lesson learned; I am trying to be more assertive, for example by explicitly setting our workflow schedule rather than giving the impression that this is a co-decision, making sure to oversee her work and provide feedback without trying to give a “don’t resent me for doing this” vibe, etc.

2. Coworker is claiming reimbursements for fake expenses

Here’s an update from the question I sent you last week, about misusing per diems and gas reimbursement. I sent an email to the woman we send our receipts and miles, basically saying, “Hi Jane, I know our driving situation is complicated, with me not claiming all my miles. Just to clarify, only Marcus and I have cars, so we’re splitting driving in half, unless he or I note differently. I’m not claiming reimbursement for trips under 50 miles, so hopefully that hole doesn’t cause trouble. Let me know if that all still sounds good, since we haven’t discussed it in a while.”

The per diem issue might have been resolved. Most all of our performances are in hotels, casinos, and other places with in house food options, so apparently we are going to be receiving essentially meal vouchers. This is a new change I actually found out about the day my question was posted, but it think it’ll solve all the funny business with reimbursements.

I told Fergus I was informing Jane about the mileage issue, and basically told him if he tried any funny business he would get caught. It ended up being a great heart to heart, and his circumstances are like a lot of readers suspected. He’s super broke and 22, and honestly really clueless about professional behavior. He’s a nice enough guy, and I think he really understood what I was saying. I also explained to him what a great opportunity we have here, and he can’t afford to mess it up.

Thanks everyone who commented.

3. How can I follow up on my manager’s mention of a possible promotion? (#2 at the link)

When I got back to the office after the weekend, I emailed my manager with the language you suggested, pretty much copying and pasting it. Less than an hour later, she replied and said yes, let’s talk about this, and just now we did. It turns out that with several leadership changes going on in my organization, all personnel changes, including promotions, have been put on hold. But they’re being brought up in a top-level meeting later today and may be resolved over the next few months. So the issue is red tape, rather than anything I did or didn’t do. That was a relief. And my manager asked me to follow up with her again in a few weeks so I feel like there’s a timeline and I’m not in limbo. Talk about a sea change.

Thank you again for your fast and specific advice. Without it, I would have chickened out of asking, and this episode gives me new confidence talking to my manager about my performance.

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open thread – October 23, 2015

by Alison Green on October 23, 2015

It’s the Friday open thread! The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on anything work-related that you want to talk about. If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to talk to other readers.

* If you submitted a question to me recently, please don’t repost it here, as it may be in the to-be-answered queue :)

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is it impostor syndrome or a bad fit, managing is stressful, and more

by Alison Green on October 23, 2015

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I submitted an expense report late and now can’t get reimbursed for thousands of dollars

I work for a big company that you’ve heard of — we bounce in and out of the Fortune 500 depending on various market conditions.

I seldom travel for work and they can’t seem to get me a travel card — the application goes through fine but then it gets sent to the office instead of to me and I just haven’t bothered to pursue it from there. I work remote from about 1500 miles away so it’s not like I can walk over to somebody’s desk to see what is up with this.

I have made two trips for the company and paid for them out of pocket, about $2500 each time. The first one I got reimbursed for with no problem but the second one came at a VERY busy time for me — I was basically working two jobs, and had been for over a year. I failed to submit my expense report for several months. Uh, like eight months.

So my manager approved the expense but the accounting team says it has sat for too long and I need SVP-level approval to get reimbursed. They included a truncated image file that is probably part of some Employee Handbook that I am sure I have been required to say I read and understood, which appears to state the rules codifying their position.

My boss’ boss (senior director) is not interested in taking up for me. I cold-emailed the guy who could probably approve it, I was very contrite and humble, but I haven’t heard back from him and now it’s been a week. I plan to look into the problem with getting my travel card to me, and I guess to email the SVP guy again, maybe start stalking him on Slack or Linkedin or something. Any suggestions?

Ask your manager to help you approach whoever you need to approve this. Explain that you’re panicking that you’re going to be told to eat these charges, that it’s a large amount of money and you can’t, and that you really need his help in resolving this (and yes, promise you’ll never let expenses sit so long again — not that you would after this anyway). Your manager may be able to push to get this resolved more quickly.

If for some reason you don’t want to do that (if your manager is notoriously passive, for example), then yes, follow up with an email to the SVP, consider calling his assistant to explain the situation and ask for help, and then call the SVP directly if you haven’t heard back a week after your second email. It’s possible that he’s actually on this and just didn’t bother to get back to you to tell you that, but keep pursuing it until you hear something.

2. Reference told me that the job was beneath the candidate

I’m in the middle of re-staffing my office for a new program. I interviewed a young woman, and I thought she was just “okay”; I got the feeling that she would just take this job and if something better came along she’d bail. Right now I need people who can finish out the program; the job is part-time in the evenings. I voiced my concerns to my boss, and he said to call her references to see what they think of her. I called one of her references, and she spent the entire conversation telling me how the job the candidate applied for is “beneath her” and “I should offer her another positon, because this position couldn’t pay what she’s worth.”

I hung up from that call with a bad taste in my mouth. It just reinforces my first red flag, in not wanting to hire her. My boss believes I’m being “picky”; I just don’t want to have to deal with someone’s jump-ship attitude for the course of the program. Am I right for not wanting to hire her?

Wow — what a weird reference. Saying that sort of thing on a reference call is so weird that I think it’s got to be more about the reference than your candidate. I’d call more references and see what the others say. I’d also try to parse out exactly what’s making you think that she’ll leave as soon as something better comes along, and what’s making you think she’s mediocre. The answer to whether or not to hire her likely lies in that stuff.

3. How do I separate impostor syndrome from legitimate concerns about my ability to do the job?

I might be getting a job offer soon. I recently had the second interview, where more details of the job were laid out. To be honest, it was intimidating; it would be a drastic change from the environment I am used to. However, I also know that I have extremely low self-confidence right now.

I’m concerned about the decision I would have to make were I offered the job. I know it is a decision I would need to approach objectively, weighing all the variables. How can I tell imposter syndrome apart from plain old incompatibility for the position?

Assess it the way a good employer would assess if you’re right for the job: Look for evidence in your background (skills, work experience, accomplishments, strengths) that indicates you’d be good at the work. Take emotion out of it (other than the question of whether you WANT to do this work) and go on a hunt for evidence.

4. Should I list my job-related restaurant budget as part of my benefits?

I’m currently in the process of job-hunting, and one particular HR department has asked me to send them my previous salary and benefits. Now, I’m aware that this HR department is bureaucratic in the extreme, so I’ve decided to bite the bullet and send it to them.

The problem is, I’m not sure if the following situation constitutes a “benefit” or not. In my previous job, I was a writer for a foodie/culinary website, so I had access to a monthly budget for “job-related” meals. This included meals at restaurants that I wanted to explore for the website, or just some new eatery that had caught my eye. This was not part of my base salary, so I won’t list it as such. However, can I list this as one of my benefits?

I was allowed to choose how to spend it, and whether to spend it or not — it was absolutely not a requirement that I had to find X number of new restaurants. Also, since we only wrote about good restaurants, I was not obligated to write about every single place I ate at. The budgeted amount was large enough for 2-3 high-end meals, which I could eat at my discretion. Thus, I can’t say it was a “responsibility” because I wasn’t required to spend the money or do anything with it. If anything, it felt more like a “perk” to me. What are your thoughts on this?

Yeah, I’d say it’s more perk than benefit. They offered it to you because it would help you do your job better, presumably, and because the nature of your job required you to be in touch with the local restaurant scene. I wouldn’t list it (although I also don’t think you look like a ridiculous person if you choose to anyway).

Also, that HR department sucks for asking for your salary and benefits, which are none of their business.

Also, I think you just inspired droves of people to look for jobs at culinary websites.

5. Managing is stressful!

I find the managing-people aspect of being a manager really hard and emotionally taxing. One problem is that I have no one to talk to about my managerial issues. This is different than my weekly meeting with my manager – we’re mostly project oriented. He’s always available for any question, but I don’t feel close enough to him for more personal venting sessions. Obviously it’s not appropriate to talk to any coworkers (whether peer, or above) about my employees. I can’t talk to friends and family because I can only expect them to listen to so much – plus, since most of them aren’t managers, I feel bad taking the other perspective when they’ve often vented about managers.

I feel like workplaces should have therapists (who are skilled at management) available to employees. This is exactly what I need. Is there any chance it’s a thing? All of these new questions and thoughts never were a part of my life until I stepped into the managerial role. Tell me if I’m alone or do other managers face such issues?

You are so not alone; managing can be really emotionally taxing and sometimes lonely. It’s hard to have other people’s professional lives riding on decisions you make, and it’s hard not to be able to talk to most people about the toughest/most challenging parts of your work. (In fact, I help run a “management hotline” for a client, where managers can call in and get quick advice on management challenges they’re facing, and while it’s usually focused on practical advice, at the end of calls sometimes callers say in a relieved tone, “This was just like therapy!”)

In any case, workplace therapists aren’t a common thing (although management coaches exist; the hotline I referenced above is part of that), but I wonder if you could put together some sort of managers’ study group in your office. You could meet periodically to talk (in confidence) about common managerial challenges (either free-flowing, or with a specific topic each time, like giving feedback, or having tough conversations, or hiring, or so forth). Beyond that, you might be able to find similar groups online. Or there’s this site too!

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my coworkers overheard me on an emotional personal call

by Alison Green on October 22, 2015

A reader writes:

I work in a direct care field and am attaining a graduate degree in the same field. My employer is helping me with internship hours, and classes are held at the work site. Getting started with this grad program plus work has been stressful enough, and some of my colleagues are really struggling with the workload.

I am struggling with something else. My only surviving parent has been diagnosed with a degenerative and usually fatal illness. I am in my late 20’s, and among even my older colleagues, such a life crisis appears to be rare. Needless to say, I am struggling with anxiety, sadness, and getting all my work done, as well as providing good direct care to my patients. Overall though, I am managing. I do not become overly emotional at work and have maintained excellent attendance so far.

Things came to a head last week during class when a relative called me and attempted to dispute my parent’s medical treatment. It became apparent that this relative is in denial about my parent’s medical condition. I know I shouldn’t have answered my phone, but we were on break and I was concerned that there was a problem occurring for my parent that I may need to be aware of.

I left the building and went to the parking lot to complete the conversation. It became very heated, as I argued with this relative over the need for prompt treatment for my parent’s medical condition. While there was no cursing, etc., my voice was raised in response to the argumentative tone of my relative. Unfortunately, I later found out that my coworkers could hear me from outside. Some of them already know what is going on with my parent and I’d previously discussed it with the professor, but it was brought up at a meeting today and presented as a point of concern by my manager, who is already aware of the problem. I assured her that I would not reach out to relatives or accept calls during business hours unless it was a true emergency and we discussed my overall professional demeanor in handling the problem, the fact that I haven’t missed work, continue to come to work with a good attitude, etc.

What else can I do to make sure that this doesn’t become a mark against me at work?

Honestly, I think your manager was wrong to raise it with you, unless it was more disruptive than it sounds here. People are human and have lives outside of work, and you’re dealing with a highly stressful, difficult situation that of course may bleed over into work at times.

That said, I’m assuming that the conversation just got a little bit loud, and maybe you sounded angry or frustrated at times. That’s not ideal, but you were in the parking lot, not inside your office. If it happened a number of times, then yes, that’s something your manager could reasonably address (simply because hearing someone having a loud, angry conversation is likely to be disruptive and distracting to others).

However, if it was more intense than that — outright yelling, profanity, that kind of thing — I could see why she might want to talk with you. Even then, though, I’d hope she would frame it more as concern than chastising.

Anyway, I wouldn’t worry too much about how to undo this. You’re human, you had an emotional moment, it happens. It’s been addressed, and you should assume that you get to move forward from here. Continue to do good work and it should be fine.

Note: The letter-writer also asked about tips for handling life crises and grieving while at work. Please feel free to weigh in on that in the comment section if you have helpful thoughts.

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when an employee pushes for a promotion but isn’t ready

by Alison Green on October 22, 2015

When you have a staff member who’s pushing harder for promotion – or even just for bigger projects or responsibilities – and you’re convinced they’re not ready, how can you manage the situation without demotivating them?

The risk here, of course, is that people in this situation can end up disengaging from their work, or even becoming resentful. They might feel unappreciated and wonder if they have a future on your team. That makes this a key moment that you need to navigate skillfully so that you don’t lose the person or have their productivity plummet.  So, what to do?

First, be honest. The kindest thing that you can do for a staff member in this position – not to mention the most effective from a long-term management perspective – is to be as honest as possible about why you’re not promoting them right now. Sometimes managers are tempted to shade the truth so that it becomes an easier message to deliver, such as saying that another candidate had stronger skills in X or Y, even though X and Y weren’t the real reasons you didn’t promote your staff member. Resist that temptation and do the person the professional courtesy of being as candid as you can be. If the employee is great at what she does currently but doesn’t have the political skills that a higher-level position would require, tell her. If she has great skills but has damaged too many relationships with higher-ups, let her know. Explain it in a kind way, of course, but it’s your job to deliver the message. If you try to hide it, you risk your cover story not ringing true or being uncovered down the road. (For example, if you say that you needed a candidate with more skills in X and then the person you hire rarely ends up using those skills, you’re going to have a disillusioned and unhappy staff member on your hands.)

Second, let the employee know that she’s valued. Often when people are turned down for a promotion, they end up feel unappreciated – that the company doesn’t recognize their strengths and value. Make sure that’s not the case here. Talk in specific terms about the contributions the staff member has made and will continue to make, and what value the person brings.

Most importantly, talk about what a path to promotion in the future would look like. You don’t want to leave the employee feeling like she’s permanently stuck where she is; that’s a recipe for driving people to start looking outside the company. Instead, talk about what would position her more strongly for promotion in the future. Are there classes she should take, skills she should work on developing, relationships she should cultivate, or behaviors she should change? And how can you help with those things? For example, you might offer to give her experience leading more projects or playing a different role with clients, or to coach her around leading meetings, or to let her manage an intern – whatever you can do to help your employee get the kind of experience and skill development that genuinely will make her a more attractive candidate in the future.

(Of course, if the truth is that there really isn’t much of a path to promotion for the person, you want to be honest about that too. It’s better for people to know that than to have false hope, and they’re more likely to end up resentful if they keep thinking a promotion is just around the corner but it never happens.)

I originally published this at Intuit QuickBase’s blog.

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dealing with customers who are upset about a high shipping fee on their order

by Alison Green on October 22, 2015

This is slightly different than the questions I usually tackle here, in that it’s much more about customer service, but I thought it was interesting. A reader writes:

I have been searching all over the internet for an answer to a customer service challenge that I’m running into, and all I find are generic responses. Yes, I know you must be empathetic and fully engaged with the customer, while also listening intently and patiently to the customer’s explanation of their experience in order to come up with the best solution to handle the situation at hand. However, I am more interested in the professional verbiage more than the individual steps. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment it can be hard to articulate yourself to the customer if their demands are more than you can meet, after exhausting all other options.

Here is this situation. The customer attempts to place a credit card order online for one of our products. The way that our website is designed, when you go to check out, you must fill in your billing and shipping addresses BEFORE the page can reset the total cost to reflect the appropriate shipping and taxes. The shipping for this particular item is $100, and I can definitely understand how this can be shocking and upsetting if unexpected and unexplained! The customer calls in and claims that the website only showed the unit cost when he pressed submit, and it was when he got the receipt that he noticed that the shipping had been added. At this point, maybe there was a glitch in the system or with his browser, or maybe he was only paying attention to the unit cost and pressed submit without being fully aware that the totals had changed—ultimately, who can be sure?

I explain what should have been done on the website (the re-calculation) and apologize for any glitches that may have been responsible for the confusion on the prices. I told him I would pass his feedback to out IT department to prevent future issues as well. In my mind, I know that either way the shipping charges must be applied in order for us to get the product to the customer, and most likely if brought to a supervisor it wouldn’t be approved to be fully refunded. So I also tried to explain the reason for the shipping charges since they are both extra perks that will make the product more customer-friendly, thus benefiting the customer in the long run (no assembly, etc.), hoping that maybe after the charges were explained he would have time to understand where exactly that number was coming from and wouldn’t be as upset as when he called in. I even let him know that we could use his own shipping account if he gets cheaper rates, but he quickly let me know that he did not have that available. None of what I was saying was helping the situation at all; it was almost like he hadn’t heard anything that I had said.

The customer continues on, saying that he was deceived, and demands that we refund the shipping fee on the order since it was “false advertising.” But the product’s page SHOULD have also said “plus shipping” under the price for the unit cost. At this point, this is not what was important and my aim was not to prove the customer wrong here; it was to find a solution to the problem.

What do I say to the customer since I am unable to refund the shipping as he demands? (My supervisor did not approve it either.) At this point, I felt like I had exhausted every possible solution I could offer, and had no idea how to communicate to the customer that his demands could not be met in any other way. Every attempt I made at telling him that I was unable to refund the shipping (however I articulated it to him) resulted in an awkward silence followed by a slew of “I have been inconvenienced” and “I refuse to pay it” comments. At this point, the only thing I can think of is to cancel and refund his entire order. Is there a way that I could have saved this customer before escalating it to my manager and having her repeat the same thing back to him, ultimately ending in the cancellation of his order? Any sort of examples of some positive phrases or things to avoid/corrections would be greatly appreciated!

Offering to cancel the order makes sense to me. If the customer placed the order without realizing the full cost, good customer service principles say that you should let them cancel, unless it’s truly outside the period where that’s possible.

But also, if this is happening more than extremely rarely, your company needs to take a look at why: Does the website really make it the shipping pricing clear as it should? Is there a way to better highlight it so that it really can’t be missed? Perhaps as its own page before the customer finishes checking out? It’s really not good for your company to have customers feeling tricked into paying expensive shipping costs that a reasonable person could have easily overlooked. You want the shipping charge to be very, very clear up-front so that people don’t end up feeling shocked when they spot it afterwards.

As for what to say when this happens: I think apologizing for a “glitch” that might have caused the pricing confusion will make things worse. If I hear that I’m being charged a surprise $100 that I didn’t agree to because of a glitch on your end, I’m not likely to just happily assent to that. If there’s really a glitch, someone on your end has to get that taken care. And I also don’t think it will help to explain the extra perks that come with the shipping charge (like no assembly, etc.) — the issue is that the person has just been charged $100 that they didn’t realize they were agreeing to pay, and so talking about the perks that come with it is going to sound like you’re missing the real issue.

The real issue is that the person thought the total cost was $X and agreed to pay that, and is now shocked that the total cost is $X + $100. And that’s a significant increase. Some of your customers might not have placed the order at all if they’d realized how expensive the shipping was. So your role isn’t to talk them into being okay with the shipping fee — which is where I think you’re going wrong — but instead to apologize that the shipping charge wasn’t clearer and to ask if they’d still like to proceed with the order or not.

I’d say this: “I’m so sorry you didn’t notice the shipping charge! We do list it on the website, but it sounds like you didn’t spot it when checking out. We charge $100 for shipping this item because of the size and handling requirements on our end. I can’t waive that shipping charge, but if you’d like me to cancel the order, I can definitely do that.”

But also, make sure someone in your company is taking a look at how the website can head this off before people finish checking out.

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dealing with a lazy and difficult coworker, bringing kids to a job interview, and more

by Alison Green on October 22, 2015

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Dealing with a lazy and difficult coworker

I have a coworker who’s become comfortable in her job, meaning that she knows she is retiring in several years and seems to have thrown in the towel. My problem is the unprofessionalism in the office. Her job is to great visitors, but she sits at her desk with ear buds in and a scowl. Everyone now comes to me. We are to open the office at 8 am, and she arrives at 8:07-8:15 (mind you, I get a 1- and 3-year-old ready, to daycare, and still arrive 10 minutes early). She has a flex schedule that allows her to work until 4:30 instead of 5:00 every day. I could use that schedule to pick my kids up early (I leave early twice a week). She is unfriendly, and I’m receiving complaints from others, to the point that people won’t even deal with her. She also has long, long personal calls at her desk that take me off tasks throughout the day.

I’m spoken with our supervisor and asked for him to do something. Others have as well, and nothing is being done. This morning I was stuck behind a five-car accident, and I had to call our supervisor and ask him to open the office because I knew she wouldn’t be here. I was still able to make it into the office before her. This is the final straw, and I said something to her about showing up late. I’ve also talked to her in the past about her attitude. Right now I’m not getting anywhere. I have written an email to send to her so I have documentation, but should I do that? Nothing is working and the boss isn’t doing anything. I love everyone in the department and don’t want to find a new job, but when you sit next to a negative person who doesn’t do their job, it starts to drive you insane.

The issue is your boss. Your boss is the one whose job is to manage her, hold her accountable for her behavior, tell her when something isn’t acceptable, and enforce consequences (including firing her) if she doesn’t meet a reasonable bar for performance. Your boss knows about the problems and knows how frustrated others in your office are getting, and he’s still choosing to do nothing. Apparently, he’d rather deal with everyone else being frustrated than have a difficult conversation with your coworker. Your manager sucks, and this is on him.

As for what you can do … I don’t see any point in emailing her to create documentation. You’re not her manager and don’t need to document performance conversations you’d had with her. And her performance isn’t in dispute; everyone seems to know that it sucks. Your choices are really (1) find a way to live with the situation, (2) push your boss harder to address the problem (doesn’t sound likely to succeed, but it’s possible), or (3) decide you’re not up for working somewhere that allows this kind of thing and look elsewhere. But as long as your boss doesn’t care enough to take action, your coworker is unlikely to respond to pleas from you.

2. Staffing firm lied and sent me to an interview that didn’t exist

This morning, I showed up to an interview with Siemens, the huge energy company. A staffing firm had sent me there, but security told me I was not scheduled to interview and that I was the fifth person sent to them unsolicited.

How can I protect myself from this in the future? The agency claimed that Siemens is their client, which is clearly untrue. The job description was choppy, and it did not make sense or flow in a logical manner. When I inquired, the agency did not have a response. Now looking back, it is quite possible the agency made up the job description or fished it from somewhere. Apparently, there are staffing shops that find opportunities and send qualified candidates unsolicited hoping to force themselves on companies and gain business.

Is this a thing? I can’t imagine how it would ever work to their advantage; companies aren’t likely to interview a random person who shows up claiming to have an appointment, when they’ve never heard of them. It’s so likely to be ineffective that I really don’t think you need to worry about protecting yourself from it in the future; I’d write this off as one awful agency and just not work with them again.

3. Who should call who for a scheduled phone interview?

I was contacted by email for a phone interview. In the email, the interviewer’s assistant confirmed the date/time and gave me the interviewer’s direct office phone line. There was no specific mention in the email that I was to call him rather than him calling me (and I assumed she was providing the number as a just-in-case). I followed up with an email for clarification, and she confirmed I am to call him.

Part of my role in previous jobs was as a hiring manager for our department, and I always called the candidate. For previous interviews, the interviewer always called me. Additionally, I noticed from his LinkedIn page his career has been in HR/talent management (approximately 20 years). My question is if this is unusual for the interviewee to call the interviewer?

Nope. Different interviewers have different preferences. I prefer to call candidates so that I control the time to the minute, but plenty of interviewers out there prefer to be called. That’s not terribly unusual.

4. Bringing kids to a job interview

I thought you might be able to help me understand or deal with a common situation I encounter. I am the general manager of a maid service, and I interview job candidates frequently. Most of the candidates are in their 20s but have varying education levels, family situations, work history, etc. I have found it alarmingly common for this age group (no matter their background) to bring their young children to interviews with them! Am I being overly critical for thinking that that is unacceptable? Whenever an applicant comes in with their child, I immediately cross them off my list. Should I say something to them about this being poor etiquette? Just today, a candidate emailed, saying that she is available for an interview tomorrow and will probably bring her child. Is it rude of me to tell her never mind? I feel I should educate these people, but at the same time maybe it isn’t my place? What do you think of this and how should I handle it?

I agree that it’s unprofessional and not something candidates should do. However, this might very well be part of part of the deal when you’re hiring for low-wage jobs that tend to be heavily staffed by women of child-bearing age and who — until they get work — literally may not have any other options and may need to choose between interviewing with kids in tow or not interviewing at all.

I’m just guessing here since I’ve never hired in that industry, but I think this is something where you’d want to know the norms in your field before writing candidates off.

5. What do these job titles mean?

I’m looking at entry-level jobs, and all the various titles for positions can seem really arbitrary…between 5 jobs that I meet the qualifications for, some will be called teapot specialist, some teapot controller, some teapot associate, and some teapot analyst. Do any of these titles have fixed meanings, or does it depend on the organization? Is there an online glossary somewhere of job-search/professional jargon?

Some background is that I’m truly looking for an entry-level job, something that I only intend to be at for 1-2 years, so I’m trying to figure out which of these is the entryest of entry level. (I can’t start applying to jobs in my field until I complete my degree and am approved for ordination; most people in my denomination will work in an entry-level position at a nonprofit for a year or two after getting their degree while they complete the ordination process and find a church to work at.)

It really does vary by organization. You’ll hear people tell you that specialist definitely means X and associate definitely means Y, but the reality is that different organizations use titles differently.

Your best bet is to really analyze the job description and the qualifications they’re asking for and get a sense that way of how entry-level the role is. But also, if you meet the qualifications and you’re interested and think you’d be good at it, go ahead and apply even if it’s not the most entry-level of entry-level jobs. It might end up being a match for you anyway, and two years is a respectable amount of time to stay at your first job. (One year can be less so, depending on your field.)

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I was left waiting for two hours at an interview

by Alison Green on October 21, 2015

A reader writes:

I’m a corporate recruiter. I was referred to the CEO of a small company by a former coworker who said they were hiring and that I might be the right fit for a recruiting opening they have. The CEO’s communication was via email and sporadic at best, but we scheduled time to meet at a specific time and specific date. Let’s say it was 1:00 on a Wednesday. I’m currently working, so I told my boss and receptionist that I was running out to do some errands in case anybody was looking for me.

I arrived to the interview on time and the receptionist seemed confused to see me. She said that the CEO mentioned I “might be coming in,” and I said that I had confirmed it with him the night before. She said that maybe he didn’t check his email and she called him and said, “Sally showed up.” Off-putting, but whatever. She said he had another meeting with 2 men who were standing 5 feet away from me (awkward), but she was going to put me in a conference room and have a director come talk to me. Director #1 comes in, had no idea he was to interview anybody, had never seen my resume and was really unprepared to do an interview. It was fine, we went with the flow. He said he was going to find out what was happening with the CEO.

Next, Director #2 comes in and he said that he just got an email that he needed to interview me five minutes ago. We hit it off wonderfully and had a great conversation – I was really excited about the company and how I could step in and really help them with their recruiting and retention. After we were done, the receptionist brought me an application, said the CEO was still in the meeting, and that my former coworker was coming down to say hello. Former coworker and I chatted for a little bit, I filled out the application, and then I just sat there. And sat there. And sat there. Thinking of how my time was being wasted and how rude it was that I was left alone for so long and that I had to get back to work.

I finally had enough, and at 3:00 I got up and left. I handed my application to the receptionist and told her I had been there for two hours and he still hadn’t come to see me and I needed to get back to work. She asked me to wait just five more minutes, but at that point, I was so mad that I knew I would not make a good impression and I had to get out of there. I got back to my office and sent both directors emails thanking them for their time, etc. Then I emailed my former coworker and told him what happened. He responded by apologizing on behalf of the CEO and saying that the meeting he was in was really good for the company and he couldn’t get out of it. He also said that the CEO met with him and one of the directors, and the director raved about me and that the CEO still wants to talk to me. I’m seeing red flags. However, I do need to make move from my current role and maybe I should give them another chance.

So my question is, what do I do now? I don’t want to sound like a child, but I feel like the CEO should reach out to me first and apologize for not meeting me. I wouldn’t invite you to my house and spend two hours in another room without saying hello to you, and I feel this is kind of the same thing. But was it unprofessional of me to leave without meeting him and do I need to be the one to reach out and apologize for cutting out? I’d just like to add that my passion is working for a company that makes the candidate’s experience a great one and I know I can make this happen for them – they need the help with that. But I’m not desperate either.

What? Hell no, it wasn’t unprofessional of you to leave after waiting two hours for a pre-scheduled appointment, and you certainly don’t need to apologize for leaving. It would have been perfectly reasonable to leave after a quarter of that time (if not less) and to ask the receptionist to have the CEO reach out to you about rescheduling.

I’m not sure that I buy your former coworker’s explanation that this just happened because the CEO was in an important meeting that he couldn’t have gotten out of. That kind of thing does happen, but in an organized company, someone would have attempted to reach out to you and let you know what was going on — and if nothing else, they would have explained it to you when you arrived. In this case, the receptionist didn’t seem prepared to see you; this wasn’t a situation where the CEO had told her, “Please let my 2:00 appointment know I’m running late, apologize profusely on my behalf, and see if he can wait X minutes or if he’d prefer to reschedule.” This was a situation where they just didn’t take your time particularly seriously; they were cavalier with you, and that kind of thing is rarely a one-time happening.

Whether or not you should agree to continue talking with them really depends on how much you care about this kind of thing. I have a pretty low tolerance for disorganization and lack of consideration, and I’d assume I’d be seeing more of it if I worked there so it would be a deal-breaker for me. But if you don’t feel your skin itching just contemplating that, it’s possible that it’s not a deal-breaker for you. The key is just to believe what they’re showing you about themselves, and not talk yourself into believing that it’s not typical of them. Assume this is how they operate, and decide if you’re up for that or not.

If you are, then it sounds like you’ll need to be the one to reach out to them … which no, you shouldn’t have to do, but apparently it’s the case here.

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is it okay to leave work right at 5 p.m. every day?

by Alison Green on October 21, 2015

A reader writes:

Is it okay to leave the office right at 5 p.m.?

I feel silly for asking, but more and more I feel as though it’s frowned upon to come in right at 9 and leave right at 5. I’ve been at my job for about 4 years now. In the beginning, I was always early to work and never batted an eyelash if a project required me to stay late. Along the way, though, I got married and had a baby. Before my daughter was born, when it was just me and my husband, I never really watched the clock. Now that I have a family, I am out the door right at 5 p.m. There’s a lot to be done when you have a baby, and working late just isn’t an option most days. Plus, after spending a long day away from her, all I want to do is snuggle my little girl until bedtime. Is that a crime?

I understand that there are going to be days where I’ll have to stay late and be forced to tweak our normal family routine. When they’ve happened, I survived just fine, but I don’t want to make a habit out of it. My job will always come after my family. I worry about starting a new job with this mentality, especially because some PR firms seem to be uber competitive when it comes to who can stay the latest, who can come in the earliest, and who can use the least amount of vacation days.

So, I ask, is it okay to come in at 9 and leave at 5?

You can read my answer to this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and often updating/expanding my answers to them).

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the friend who I recommended for a job in my office is secretly job-searching after just a few months

by Alison Green on October 21, 2015

A reader writes:

Long story short, we had an opening in the small office I work at (there’s only four of us) back in May. I approached a close friend of mine who was unhappy with his job, and who I knew had been looking for a new position for 2+ years. I explained the position, the office, and answered any questions he had, being as forthcoming and blunt as possible about it all. He said he was interested in the job, even knowing he would be taking a small pay cut to come here. My boss then interviewed him and decided to hire him.

Soon after starting, my friend’s mother was diagnosed with cancer, and my boss permitted him to take several days (probably like 8 or 9) in his first few weeks to be with her in the hospital, and has continued to let him take time off with very short notice to take her to the hospital or doctor as needed. Also, he was allowed to take a 3-day vacation last week with a few months’ notice, during our second busiest time of the year to go to an out-of-state wedding for his girlfriend’s cousin, leaving the rest of us to pick up the slack.

In addition to the time he missed caring for his mother, he also took a “sick day” to go to an interview with another potential employer during his third week here, but hasn’t done so to my knowledge since then.

My friend has told me several times that he misses working in a larger organization with more people. He has not been all that quick to pick up on tasks that are his responsibility (despite my showing him several times how to do them over the last five months, whereas I feel like I figured out that stuff after being shown once). Earlier today, he told me that he was going to go to two job interviews tomorrow and will be calling in sick tomorrow morning. I didn’t say anything in response, but let him finish and then quickly broke off the conversation and went into my office to work.

My boss has expressed to me subtly that she hasn’t been all that impressed with his attention to detail and work ethic, and while she allows him to take time off, I think she does so less than wholeheartedly. Despite this, she did give him a pay bump after his three-month performance review, which is normal for everyone she’s ever hired. However, last week, we were given bonuses, and his was significantly lower than mine (I’ve only been here a year, about 7 months longer than him). I think that the bonuses, his comparable income from his previous job, and his being unhappy about the size of the office and the type of work we do are what is leading him to look for other work.

I’m tempted to go to my boss tomorrow and let her know that my friend is interviewing. I feel like I put my neck out there to recommend him for the job, and between his less-than-stellar performance, missing a ton of time, and now looking to leave, he’s going to leave us at a time where we won’t have time to train someone properly before we being our busiest time of the year (we’re a tax prep office, so January-April is crazy).

On the one hand, my friend told me this in confidence, and would probably be pretty pissed if he ever found out I told my boss this, especially if it led to him being fired prior to actually getting an offer. On the other hand, I feel like even if he doesn’t take one of these jobs, he may leave right in the middle of our busiest time and put the rest of us in a lurch.

I know that I probably should just keep my mouth shut and let things fall where they will. However, I feel like his leaving reflects poorly on my judgement, especially if I know that he’s out looking for a job while he’s “sick.” In addition, I really like and respect my boss, and I feel like she should know if he’s unhappy enough to leave after only five months.

Well, he’s putting you in a really crappy position. Actually, he’s put you in a crappy position twice — first by continuing to interview only three weeks after starting the job that you personally recruited and recommended him for and now, several months later, by telling you that he’s continuing to interview. You stuck your neck out for him and vouched for him, and now your professional reputation is to some degree wrapped up in his.

To be clear, that doesn’t mean that if he implodes, your name will be mud … but it does mean that you’re going to have less credibility in any future hiring recommendations you make, and that your boss might question your judgment a bit. So there’s a real cost to you, and he either doesn’t realize that or doesn’t care.

Anyway, if I were your manager, I’d definitely want to know this was going on so that I wasn’t blindsided by it. But that doesn’t mean that you should tell her. The question is really about your loyalty to your friend versus your loyalty to your manager.

Most people understandably come down on the friend side of this equation … but it certainly gets more challenging when the friend in question has been so cavalier with your professional standing and with a workplace that you sound like you care about. It would be different if he’d come to you and said something like, “I feel like I’m in a real bind here. I’m realizing that this job isn’t for me, and I think I need to start looking. I realize that you went out on a limb to recommend me, and I really appreciate that. I wish it were working out, but I want to be realistic that it’s not.” You’d probably be pretty sympathetic to that — but that’s not how he’s handling it. He’s basically doing the exact opposite of that: not acknowledging how this will impact you at all.

That said, I don’t think you should break his confidence by telling your manager what he told you. He was presumably talking to you as a friend, not a coworker, and would be rightfully angry if you told your manager (which could indeed result in her letting him go sooner than he’s ready to leave).

However, you could certainly talk to him about the position he’s putting you in. I’d say something like this: “You’re putting me in a difficult position here. I used my own standing with (manager) to vouch for you and helped you get hired. That doesn’t mean that you’re obligated to stay for life, but you were job searching when you’d only been here a few weeks. I don’t know if you thought about how that would have reflected on me if you’d left so soon, but I can tell you that it wouldn’t be great. Now you’re interviewing again, and putting me in a position where I know that you’re getting ready to leave right before our busiest time of the year. I feel really uncomfortable knowing this, and I’m concerned about the impact all of it is going to have on my standing with (manager).”

Depending on how much you want to drive the point home, you might add, “I went out on a limb for you, and you don’t seem to recognize that.”

That will at least clue him in to the position he’s putting you in. But beyond that … well, I don’t know that there’s a lot you can do. You could tell him that you think he should talk with your manager about his doubts that the role is the right fit, but it would be pretty understandable if he chooses not to do that, since it could result in him potentially getting pushed out and left with no income. Or yes, you could give your boss a discreet heads-up, but I think you’d want to be prepared for that to be a friendship-ender if you choose to do it.

Ultimately, it’s a lesson in why it’s really, really risky to recommend friends for jobs when you’ve never worked with them (and sometimes even if you have). But that doesn’t help you now, obviously. This is just a crappy situation with no great answer.

Read an update to this letter here.

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