my friend fabricated his resume and now wants me to be his reference by Alison Green on September 3, 2015 A reader writes: I got a voicemail today for a reference check on a former coworker / casual friend. I had no idea this call was coming, but I’ve been in management for a few years and get these often enough, so it’s not a big deal. So I reached out to him asking for some background and whether this was a personal or professional reference. He responded saying that he mentioned us working together years ago and asking if I could put in a good word, yadda yadda yadda. Then he forwarded me his resume. Job #2 listed on it, from 2011 to the present, has him as an employee of mine doing a host of professional services. There is a paragraph longer than this email detailing it. It’s 100% fabricated. I am going to let this sink in for a few hours before I take action, but obviously there is no positive reference coming. I just don’t want to be hasty and vindictive. Still, how would you handle this? Whoa. It’s bad enough to lie like that, but it’s particularly bizarre that he didn’t even think he should mention to you that this was his plan and ask you if it was okay with you. Letting the resume tell you the situation instead of telling you directly himself was a weird, weird choice. He even told you on the phone that he’d said you’d worked together “years ago” and then forwarded you as a resume that said you’re still working together now. What the fudge? Anyway, I’d call him up and say this: “The information you included for the time we worked together is made up. What’s going on?” After you listen to whatever weird yarn he spins, say, “Obviously I can’t attest to this because it’s not true. I’m not sure why you thought I’d be comfortable doing that.” Personally, I would say this in a cold, cold tone, one that conveys “you have committed an egregious transgression,” but that’s up to you. Also tell him not to list you as a reference in the future, since even if he corrects the resume now, you can’t vouch for his trustworthiness and integrity. In fact, you could only really vouch for his lack of them. I’d also say this in a freezing cold tone. Arctic cold is what you’re going for here. As for the current reference check that he pulled you into: Because this person is a (casual) friend, you could do him the favor of simply not returning the reference call (and not returning any additional attempts the reference checker might make to get in touch with you). That would be better for him that if you actually did talk to the person, because if you did, you’d have to out him as a charlatan and an ass. Read an update to this letter here. You may also like:how do employers know if you're answering "have you ever been fired" honestly?I think my nanny candidate used a fake referencedo I have to work in-office during my notice period? { 252 comments }
how to recover when your best employee quits by Alison Green on September 3, 2015 If your top performer walked into your office today and said she’d accepted another job, would you know what to do to keep your team on track? Losing a key team member can test even the strongest team – but you need to be prepared for it. Here’s what to do if you get the bad news from a valuable team member. In most cases, resist making a counteroffer. In most cases, employers make counteroffers in a moment of panic, but they generally don’t work out well in the long run. That’s because in most cases, it wasn’t just money that drove the employee to start looking; there are usually other factors, like feeling unchallenged by the work or not being well matched with a manager or the culture, and those won’t change – meaning that the dissatisfaction is likely to come back once the glow of the counteroffer wears off. Make good use of the person’s remaining time. Too often when someone resigns, employers squander the person’s last few weeks in the role, by just letting the person continue on as if it’s business as usual. Instead, be vigilant about using their remaining time to download key information and extract their insight and advice on the responsibilities they’re leaving behind. This person knows the secrets of success in the role they’re leaving – understanding those secrets will help you hire the right replacement and set them up for success in the role too. Involve the departing employee in recruiting for the new role. The person will probably be gone by the time you’re conducting interviews, but before they leave, pick their brain about who they think should fill their shoes. They may recommend someone already working for you, or might have an outside contact who they think would be great at the job. If nothing else, they’ll likely have strong opinions about the type of person who would excel in the role (and maybe how to find them), and that’s valuable for you to hear. Think about whether there’s an opportunity to seize here. Is there a more junior rock star already on your team who’s ready for the role? Is there restructuring of the role or responsibilities that would make sense to do before hiring a new person? As great as your existing employee was, are there things you wished she’d done differently, and is it worth specifically seeking out those thing in a replacement? Expect that other staff may be nervous. If the departing employee has been handling key work or is known for being particularly outstanding in the role, other staff members may be anxious about what will happen next. Will a replacement ever be as good? What will the transition look like? Who will handle X until someone new is up to speed? Reassure people that while there might be some bumps in the road, overall you’re confident that thing will be fine – and share the plan for moving forward that’s giving you that confidence. Reflect on any lessons learned. If you’d spotted the signs earlier, was there anything you could have done differently to keep the employee? For example, if the person left because of frustrations with pay or management, are there changes you can make in those areas to prevent losing other talented employees in the future? You may also like:can I leverage a job offer for a raise at my current job?using a job offer to get a counteroffer from your current company -- does COVID change things?if I don't accept calendar invitations, will people assume I won't be at meetings? { 59 comments }
when should I tell a prospective employer that I’m transgender and in the midst of transitioning? by Alison Green on September 3, 2015 A reader writes: I’m 19, searching for a part-time entry-level job, and transgender. Do I disclose that I’m transitioning to potential employers? I’ve been on hormones for almost four months, look quite masculine still, but do have very long, feminine hair and wear androgynous clothes, some light makeup, etc. What I’m confused about is when to, or if I even should, mention that I’m trans before getting hired. My best current plan is to leave out any mention of it in applications/CVs, and to mention it, if I get that far, at the end of an interview. As I see it, that maintains honesty and professional courtesy, and I won’t get stuck in a workplace that’ll simply dump or hate me later, but I also get to make a good first impression and not worry potential employers by seeming like a “complicated” employee. I believe that it is important to bring it up, seeing as how it will be affecting my work to some extent — I’ll continue to transition and look more feminine, and I don’t think I will look clearly female for a while yet. I also may make some of the relevant legal changes relatively soon. More than that, I want my next job to be one that I can stay at for a long time; I don’t want to have to hop between jobs. If my employer discriminates against me on the basis of this, there are no laws protecting me against that even if I’m already an employee. By telling employers early, it seems to me like I’m weeding bad fits out as much as they’re weeding out bad candidates. Having talked to other people, though, I’m overwhelmingly told that it’s too personal and unnecessary to bring up in an interview. Are they right? Well, first, assuming that you’re in the U.S., you do have protections under federal law. In 2012, the EEOC held that discrimination against transgender people violates Title VII of the Civil Rights Act. In addition, 18 states and D.C. ban discrimination based on gender identity. That doesn’t mean that companies don’t still discriminate, but I did want to let you know that there’s some intended protection in the law. As for whether and when to mention it: I think you’ve got a bunch of different options here. First and foremost, you’re not obligated to disclose it at all. It won’t affect your work and it shouldn’t be relevant to them. And it’s possible that you could get a sense of how comfortable a workplace this is likely to be for you by asking about things like non-discrimination policies and how LGBT-friendly the work culture is. But if you’re more comfortable raising it up-front so that you can gauge whether the employer’s reaction is the reaction of a place you want to work, that’s fine too. If you want to go that route, waiting to raise it until the offer stage makes it harder for an employer to openly discriminate against you, since if they pull the offer, it’s going to be pretty clear why they pulled it. (This is also why people are also usually advised to wait for the offer to stage to raise that they’re pregnant, need a reasonable accommodation for a disability or a religious practice, or so forth.) But on the other hand, that could put you in a position where you could end up working somewhere that turns out to be unwelcoming or even hostile. (But I do think you’ll get some data simply from the way they respond when you bring it up, and could use that to make a decision.) So the other option is to raise it at the interview stage, just like you might ask about anything else regarding their culture or other things that are important to you to screen for in an employer. (For example: “I want to let you know that I’m transgender and in the process of transitioning. Can you give me a sense of how LGBT-friendly the office culture is?”) This option carries the risk that if they do want to discriminate against you, they could just not offer you the job and you wouldn’t know that this was the reason — but if you’re comfortable deciding that you wouldn’t want to work for a company like that anyway, then this could be the way to go. I don’t think there’s one right option here; I’d do whichever feels most comfortable to you. And you don’t even need to decide ahead of time; you can see how the interview goes, and decide in the moment if you want to. By the way, you might also check the Human Rights Campaign Foundation’s Corporate Equality Index, which scores major businesses on things like non-discrimination protections, inclusive benefits and diversity practices, and respectful gender transition guidelines. Only large companies are listed there, but it could be a good source of information on some of the places you’re applying. Good luck! Read an update to this letter here. You may also like:it's now illegal to fire someone for being gay or transI'm a woman -- does my interview attire have to be feminine?are people judging me for looking scruffy at work? { 162 comments }
receptionist walks around the office barefoot, company keeps changing my job, and more by Alison Green on September 3, 2015 It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. Our receptionist walks around the office barefoot We are a small firm with 9 accountants and a receptionist in an open plan office, and my boss is in an office with a door. Our receptionist will take her shoes off every day for hours at a time when she is filing, because she has said that her shoes hurt her feet. I have mentioned to her twice that it is unprofessional and she should wear them, but she ignores me. How do I tell my boss (I am not sure if he has noticed) that I find it unprofessional (should a client walk in and see it), but also I find it shows that she has no respect for her colleagues either? She has worked here for approximately 6 months, I have been here for 3 years. I’d leave the question of respect for her colleagues out of it; that’s not really the issue here and makes it more adversarial than it needs to be. Professionalism is the issue, and yes, it’s unprofessional. If her shoes hurt, she needs different shoes — shoes that serve their intended function (of being able to be worn for a full work day). I’d say this to your boss: “I’ve noticed that Jane takes her shoes off every day for hours at a time and walks around the office that way. It looks really unprofessional, especially to clients. I’ve brought it up with her but it hasn’t changed anything. If you agree with me, would you say something to her?” 2. My company keeps re-orging and changing my job I’ve been with my company for a little over five years. In that five years, we have re-organized four times. I have been impacted in every single one of them. Each of them is distracting and completely change the course of my job (I’ve gone from client management, to event management, to a completely unknown and undefined position, and now in corporate marketing/communications). We are given no warning. Eventually the re-org doesn’t work, and things are changed again. Each re-organization has resulted in multiple employees quitting. I’ve stuck around, as two of the four re-organizations have worked out in my favor. I am currently in a position I really enjoy, with a team that has allowed me to learn and grow. But, in typical fashion, another re-organization is on the horizon. My company will be developing a new team that is going to be part marketing/communications and part member experience/development. My name has been thrown around to move into one of the newly created positions. I know, based on past experience, my opinion won’t be ask and my faith will be chosen for me. I will hear of the change when they tell me that my job is changing and I’ll be expected to comply with it. I’ve been open and honest with my boss and she is fighting for me, but her opinion isn’t asked either, the re-orgs are solely done at the senior management level. I do not want to change jobs! I like my job and I like my team and I am worried that a change is going to put me a step back in my career. I find it very upsetting that established managers can mess with my career path like this. What options do I have? Can I say no? Can I say I am disappointed? Do I need to get my bosses blessing to go above her and voice my concern directly to the senior managers? Or, is my only choice to stop whining and suck it up…or quit? If you’re fairly senior or you have the ear of someone senior — and a decent amount of standing in the organization — you can certainly share your concerns. But if they don’t care about your boss’s input, they’re probably not going to care about yours, which would mean that no, you can’t say no, and yeah, you probably need to deal with it or move to another company. I’d seriously think about doing the latter — this kind of instability is unlikely to stop with the latest reorg. 3. Can I offer to take on the cleaning work for my office for extra pay? I have a full time job working in an office doing graphic design. The company hires a cleaning company, and they come once per week, on the weekends when the office is closed. They do an unsatisfactory job, and often times I end up cleaning my own station, taking trash out to the dumpsters, wiping down the kitchen, etc. Last week they didn’t even show up! Since I am currently looking for a part-time job (in addition to my full-time job), I thought about asking my boss if I could take on the cleaning responsibilities. I have a feeling he might quickly say “no” so thought it would be a better idea to write him an email, stating my case in hopes that he will at least think it over and consider me for the position. Any advice on how to ask this? I wouldn’t. Offering to take on the cleaning work in addition to your regular work comes with the risk that it will (unfairly) devalue your design work to them, or even that they’ll come to expect you to do cleaning or other janitorial work for your regular salary as part of your regular job. Seek part-time work outside your company so that you’re not mixing the two. 4. Why can’t I know what my disciplinary meeting will be about? When asked to attend a disciplinary meeting, do I have a right to know what I did or didn’t do before it? When asked what the discipline action was about, I was told to come to the meeting to find out. I’m a big fan of not leaving people in suspense over this kind of thing; it just builds anxiety and is kind of cruel. Plus, giving people a chance to process what’s going on and gather their thoughts beforehand can often lead to a more productive conversation than just springing it on them. That said, you asked and they’re apparently not telling you until the meeting, so you have to accept that. There’s no right to get information beforehand; that’s up to your employer. 5. Writing a thank-you letter for a raise I’m a young marketer and was hired at a 150-person company three months ago. The salary offered was $X, but for the scope of work, I felt it should have been $X+10k. I did realize that I was young and as-yet-unproven. So when I joined, I asked for six months to prove myself and if I had, to get the $10k raise, which they agreed to. I have been working hard, in charge of a lot of projects, and staying late to finish stuff when hardly anyone stays late. I love this company and I believe in it; for the first time, I’m not anxiously looking to move on to the next better thing. However, I have been really frugal and am still living paycheck to paycheck. My boss just pulled me in for a three-month review and I was given the $10k raise. I can’t believe this is real life! She recommended that I thank the CEO and COO (CEO’s son) because they have “really noticed” me, think I’m doing great work, and advocated for me. She mentioned writing a letter, which I think is what I’d like to do. I gave my direct boss a hug because we’re close enough for that. Should I write a letter? If I write a letter, what is appropriate to say? The money means a HUGE difference in my life, but I don’t want to give them TMI or say anything unprofessional. If I don’t write a letter, what are my other options? If I meet with them in person, what is the right balance between short and sweet versus gushing? I don’t want to start crying. Normally you don’t write a letter to thank your employer for a raise; you just say thank-you in person in the conversation where you’re informed of it. However, in this case, your manager is telling you that the culture of the company is one where a thank-you letter would be the thing to do, so I’d believe her and take her advice. Keep it short and simple — say something like you’re thrilled they’ve recognized the work you’ve been putting in, you’re really happy to be working there, and you appreciate the vote of confidence. Short and simple — like a paragraph. Congratulations! You may also like:can I go barefoot at work?customers are ignoring our male receptionistemployer made us take fake lie detector tests to trap a stealing receptionist { 390 comments }
I was offered a job on the spot and accepted without asking about benefits or my upcoming honeymoon by Alison Green on September 2, 2015 A reader writes: I have been interviewing for jobs for a few months now and have been through several interview processes that were long and drawn out. Deadlines were consistently pushed back, multiple rounds of interviews were endured. Today, I had a job interview for a firm I’d had an initial phone interview with, and they offered me a job on the spot. I was shocked, and accepted, as I am super excited about the job. Maybe I am just comparing it too closely to the other interview processes I’ve endured recently where references were called, deliberations were undergone, etc. So my first question is whether this is unusual, for candidates to be offered jobs on the spot? It has never happened to me, and to be honest, I was a bit too intimidated by the managing director to ask for time to think about the offer before accepting. (I felt at ease with my direct manager though who I’d met with earlier.) This has made me start second guessing the firm… are they this cavalier about other things, like firing? I feel like it’s a good fit, but I was only in their office for 40 minutes, so in hindsight, it’s a bit hard to tell. My second question is that in the midst of all of this, there was no talk of benefits, vacation, etc. It was almost as if the managing director wanted to hire me (based on the glowing recommendation from the other manager I’d met and spoken to on the phone with) and get on with his day. They seemed confident in me, but also like they weren’t interested in a lengthy interview process. So because there was never any discussion, nor did it ever feel like the “right” time to address this in the flurry of the interview-hire, I wasn’t able to address the fact that I’ve got a pre-planned honeymoon scheduled in 2.5 months’ time. I am planning to email them to address it prior to my start date, but if they decline to grant me my time off, is this something that is reasonable to rescind my acceptance over? I did not bring it up initially so as to not have the request muddy their professional opinion of me — I am an upright, hard worker, and didn’t want them to think I’d always be taking time off. But this is my honeymoon, and it happens once in a lifetime, and as such, it’s important to me. I am planning to reassure them that I will work nights and weekends up till my departure to be sure the firm doesn’t feel my absence, and even offer to keep an eye on my emails once per day while I’m abroad. Is there a specific way you recommend this be expressed so as not to rub them the wrong way? This is going to be a long answer because there’s a lot here. On-the-spot job offers aren’t unheard of, but they’re potentially a red flag. A company that offers you a job on the spot after only a phone call and a single 40-minute in-person interview might be signaling to you that they’re not great at hiring. (And they’re almost certainly not checking references.) If they’re not great at hiring, you’re likely to have some not-great coworkers, or a bunch of people getting fired because the company didn’t do due diligence in the hiring stage, neither of which is a particularly appealing option. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t take the job, but it does mean that you should pay a of attention to the other signals you’re getting about the company. Do you see other worrisome signs — of poor decision-making, or disorganization, or lack of rigor? If everything else you’re seeing is good, this may just a weird quirk. But you want to be vigilant about gathering information and paying attention to what you see. (That’s always the case before you take a job, of course, but it’s especially important when you see something that feels red-flaggy.) Also, while it’s too late for this now, be aware that just because you’re offered a job on the spot, you don’t need to accept on the spot. In fact, you shouldn’t. Accepting a job is a big decision, and you should at least think it over overnight and not make up your mind before you’ve even left their office. It’s perfectly reasonable to say, “Thank you so much. I’m very interested. Can I give you my decision by Thursday?” If they balk at that, that’s a big red flag, bigger than the on-the-spot offer. Good employers want you to think through their offer and whether the job is right for you, and wouldn’t expect you to be able to do that while you’re still sitting in the interview chair. They’re not going to try to rush you into a yes, when they know it’s in your and their best interest to have some time to think it over, ask questions, etc. And speaking of asking questions: If you’re offered a job and no one has mentioned benefits, ask! Say something like this: “Can you give me information on the benefits you offer?” And don’t make assumptions — if they tell you about their vacation days but don’t mention health insurance, don’t assume that they have it; say, “Do you offer health insurance?” (And get details on all of it. “We offer paid vacation, medical and dental, and a 401K” doesn’t tell you enough; you need actual plan details. Otherwise you could start working there and discover that you’re responsible for 100% of the insurance premiums, only get 5 vacation days, and the 401K matching you assumed they had because your last job did it doesn’t exist here.) And last, before you accept an offer, it’s smart to discuss any planned time off that you’ll need them to accommodate. It’s very, very normal to say something like, “I have a trip scheduled from October 15-27. I’m willing to take the time unpaid since I assume I won’t have accrued enough vacation time by then, but I want to make sure up-front that that’s okay.” It’s a lot better to mention this as part of the offer discussion, so that they don’t feel like you’re springing it on them later. Now, in your case, you’ve already accepted the job without finding out about benefits and without clearing the vacation time you need for your honeymoon. So I’d send an email right now that says this: “I realized that in my excitement about the job, I overlooked the fact that I have my honeymoon scheduled for (dates). I apologize for not getting this on your radar earlier! Will being away those dates cause any issues? (I assume I may need to take the time unpaid, which I’m of course willing to do.) This also made me realize that we haven’t discussed benefits —is there information that you can send me on what benefits Teapots Inc. offers? Thank you, and I’m so looking forward to starting work on the 12th!” If the answers you get aren’t acceptable to you, then yes, you may need to rescind your acceptance. If it turns out, for example, that they don’t offer health insurance, it’s reasonable to say, “I’m so sorry that I didn’t ask about this earlier, but I had assumed you offered health insurance. I’m not able to take a job that doesn’t include it, so unfortunately I’ll need to decline my acceptance.” If the issue is more about something like a crappy number of vacation days, it’s a little harder; it’s tough to negotiate for more when you’ve already accepted the offer. (So that brings us back to: Always get this info before you say yes.) If they won’t grant you the time off for your honeymoon, you could indeed say, “I’m so sorry, but the dates aren’t flexible since it’s right after my wedding. I apologize for not raising this earlier, but if this is prohibitive for you, does it make sense to part ways?” Whether or not that makes sense to do depends on how much you want this job, what other job options you have, and how flexible the trip is. One last thing: You said that you didn’t bring up the honeymoon initially because you didn’t want to “muddy their professional opinion” of you or make them think you’d always be taking time off. No reasonable employer would think that about a honeymoon, and one that did would be one you wouldn’t want to work for (because that’s an employer who wouldn’t support you having a life outside work in all kinds of other ways too). And this isn’t just limited to honeymoons — you’re allowed to have pre-planned trips that you arranged before accepting a job, and it’s normal to mention that as part of the offer negotiation. No sane employer will think, “My god! She planned a vacation later this year, so she’s clearly not a hard worker.” You may also like:a salary negotiation success storyis being offered a job too quickly a red flag?candidate showed up in-person for a Zoom interview "to demonstrate their interest" { 128 comments }
how to hire people to work for a difficult boss by Alison Green on September 2, 2015 A reader writes: I am an office manager in a 7-person business, and have been here for the last 4 years. I have been planning for a while to leave for graduate school and am in the process of hiring my replacement. The problem is, my boss has a really difficult personality. Prior to my starting this job, no office manager had ever lasted more than a year, and so far every admin I have hired (over the last year or so) has either quit or been fired due to personality conflicts. They report that he is demanding, has over-the-top expectations, and a lack of professional work behavior (he often walks around just bothering people and saying “GET TO WORK,” despite them being clearly hard at work, and nothing is ever good enough). My fear is that I am going to hire someone, spend a ton of time training them and then they will quit because he is difficult to work for. This pattern has occurred more than once. I don’t want to find myself having to stay at this job (mostly out of guilt) longer than planned because of this issue. When interviewing for the position, should I screen for thicker-skinned people or do I just find someone who can do the job and hope that they don’t end up feeling the same way? Do I offer them some kind of warning, or do I just pretend everything is easygoing? Also, before you ask… I have tried to talk to my boss about this, but he says that people are too sensitive and he doesn’t want to lower his expectations. Ugh. You can read my answer to this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and often updating/expanding my answers to them). You may also like:new coworker with my exact experience got hired at a higher level than me -- how upset should I be?is it a red flag when a job is posted for a long time?can I warn people about my horrible boss? { 103 comments }
I’m sick of being the office therapist by Alison Green on September 2, 2015 A reader writes: I have brought a burden upon myself, and I know it’s completely my own doing. I’ve been in my current role for a year and a half. In that time, I’ve become the de facto compassionate listener and person who coworkers turn to when they want to confide in someone. My department consists of 25 people and I don’t manage anyone. I’m a mid-level strategist and I report to a VP. Everyone comes to me to pull me aside and vent about their personal and professional problems, stresses, and anxieties. Every week, I endure stories about fights with boyfriends, wives, and girlfriends and drama about annual reviews, salaries, and promotions. I’m very good at keeping secrets and I don’t ever offer solid advice, just lend a listening ear and support for when people are upset. That said, I’m seriously sick of performing this emotional labor for everyone when it’s not a mutually beneficial relationship. I don’t share these kinds of things with coworkers when I have issues. Playing therapist is costing me hours that I could spend at my desk doing good work. It happens at least daily. Not all of my coworkers are offenders, just the majority. They will ask me to go get coffee, come downstairs, walk down to a neighboring hallway, etc. How do I set boundaries now when no one has any with me? It’s gotten to the point that my coworkers text me obsessively during my PTO to demand when I’ll be back at the office again and I know it’s because they want to dump on me, not because they need anything work-related. Is there a way to distance myself without hurting feelings? Help! Spread everyone’s secrets far and wide so they don’t want to confide in you anymore? Maybe not. But seriously, I do think you can put a stop to this. I’d try a combination of a few things, depending on what feels the most comfortable in a given situation: 1. Be busy. When people come to you for this kind of non-work thing, say right up-front, “Sorry, I can’t talk, I’ve got a big project” / “I’m on deadlines and can’t stop — sorry!” / “I’m got to prepare for a call” / whatever other reasonable work-related excuse you can come up with. If you haven’t done this before, it might feel rude at first, but I promise you that this is a very, very normal thing to say, other people say it all the time, and your employer almost certainly expects you to manage your time in this way. (More on that last part in a minute.) Bonus points if you can find one big project to point to — “I’m going to be swamped for the next few months with the teapot redesign and will need everyone to pretend I’m not here!” 2. Consider saying something about the bigger picture to people you feel comfortable saying it to. For example: “I know I’ve been able to spend a lot of time talking in recent months, but I’m realizing that it’s been impacting my work. I’m going to need to really rein it in and won’t be able to talk as much.” If you want, you could add, “I do enjoy talking with you and that makes it tougher, so I’d really appreciate if you can help me not get drawn in to non-work topics for a while.” 3. Stop accepting the requests to get away from your desk. When people ask you to get coffee, go downstairs, or otherwise leave your office so that they can vent to you, say something like, “Oh, I can’t — I’m swamped. Is it time-sensitive?” If the response is, “Well, I’m really upset about this fight I had with Barnaby last night,” then you say, “Oh, I’m sorry — I don’t think I’ll be able to talk today/this week; I’ve got a bunch of deadlines I’m working on.” 4. Stop responding to texts outside of work hours and when you’re on vacation. Just stop entirely. When you get back, if they ask you about it, you can say, “Oh, I was ignoring everything from work while I was away” or “I didn’t have my phone turned on until I came back” or “Hmmm, I didn’t see it — was there a work emergency?” 5. Know that it’s going to take a while to retrain people. People will eventually get used to a different pattern, but this stuff gets ingrained and it’ll take a while. Don’t get discouraged if they keep it up for a while; keep setting and enforcing boundaries. And brace yourself for the possibility that someone’s feelings might be hurt. It would be nice if you could avoid that entirely, but you can’t control how people feel; all you can do is act reasonably and hope others will do the same. And really, the best way to avoid hurt feelings is to be straightforward with people (see #2 above), so that they don’t mistakenly think you’re upset with them or you’re snubbing them. If you explain to them why you need to pull back and they hold that against you, they’re the problem, not you. 6. Perhaps most importantly, reframe your thinking a bit. I suspect that you feel an obligation to listen to your coworkers and be a supportive presence for them (and that’s how this all started), so please keep in the forefront of your mind that you have a higher obligation to your employer to focus on your job. Unless your employer has specifically hired you to play office therapist, continuing to do it is shortchanging them. It’s also shortchanging yourself — you’re putting yourself in a position where you’re not going to be as productive as you otherwise would be, and that will have very real ramifications on future raises, project assignments, promotions, and your reputation. If it helps, pretend to yourself that your boss told you that she noticed how much time you’re spending in these conversations with coworkers and asked you to stop. That’s something that really could happen at some point, so pretend that it already has and take the actions that you’d take if it did (presumably the ones above). Read an update to this letter here. You may also like:I can't handle my boss's stories about her emotionally abusive relationshiphow do I deal with a broken heart at a new job?my coworker keeps messaging me about my face during meetings { 133 comments }
lying about employment dates, changing out of biking clothes at work, and more by Alison Green on September 2, 2015 It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. Biking to work and changing clothes when I get there I am soon to start a new job (my first office job with smart clothes required). The workplace is three miles from my home. I don’t drive and there is no direct bus (I’d have to take two separate buses and it would take close to an hour). However, I love to cycle, and want to make this my method of commuting. I live in a place where rain is pretty commonplace, and in order to look presentable at work, I would need to cycle in appropriate waterproofs and change at work (also, I am a woman who would be predominantly wearing skirts/dresses for work, which aren’t very practical for cycling). I am a perpetually early person so I’d probably be arriving about 15 minutes before the expected start time and I imagine there wouldn’t be any clients around. I am not sure what is the best way to ask my new employers about the situation – I need to know if there is somewhere to change and to keep wet clothes, but I don’t know if it is going to be at all acceptable for me to arrive at the office in casual clothes and then change into work clothes. I don’t want to make a bad impression by asking about something that might be unacceptable and as this is my first corporate job I’d really appreciate some advice. It’s probably fine, and even if it’s not, it’s not going to come across badly to ask. (A lot of people bike to work, so it’s not like you’re asking if you can, like, ride a pogo stick around the office.) I’d wait until you start and then just ask your manager what she thinks. Say something like, “I’d love to ride my bike to work, which would get me here a lot faster — but I didn’t know if it would be strange to change out of biking gear and into work clothes when I arrive. I’m usually an early arriver so I don’t think many people would even see me before I changed. Do you think anyone would have a problem with that?” 2. My manager keeps sharing personal information about my coworkers My manager doesn’t keep personal information or conversations with his staff private. He gossips about us with our coworkers and insists on including these personal conversations in our team meetings. To give a few examples, he produced and discussed my coworkers’ personal goals during my private yearly review. (We had to define new goals, and plans for achieving those goals, for the next year. He wanted us to include goals related to our personal lives or aspirations. I declined to do so.) When another manager had a complaint about one of my coworkers, my manager announced this in our team meeting, naming the coworker but not the complaining manager (and then said he would tell the coworker what the actual complaint was afterwards). He also discussed a coworker’s medical history with me in detail, when I expressed concern that the coworker – who had a history of pnenomia – might have caught the flu rather than a simple cold. I tried to turn back to my computer and work, but he continued to talk at me (and ask me questions to try and keep me engaged with him). In each case, I have tried to tell my manager that I feel this is inappropriate and that it makes me uncomfortable to hear this discussed because it doesn’t involve me. But he won’t hear of it; he states that as he is the manager, he decides what is acceptable and whether it involves me or not. Is he right? Legally? Sure, no law prevents him from doing what he’s doing. There are no privacy laws that would prevent any of this (even the medical stuff; the main law that governs medical privacy — HIPAA — applies to medical professionals, like doctor’s offices, but in most cases not employers). But in terms of ethics or just generally good management? Yes, he’s overstepping boundaries. That said, you’ve directly asked him to stop and explained why, and he’s told you in pretty strong terms that he intends to continue. You can continue saying “I’d rather not hear personal information about Jane” and “I don’t think Bob would want me to hear these details,” but beyond that, this is the category of “your manager is a bit of an ass, and this is part of the package of working with him.” 3. Can my cover letter give the times that I can be reached? Is it appropriate to say the following in a cover letter since I can’t receive calls at work? “The best times to reach me are before 8:00 am or after 6:00 pm at (xxx)xxx-xxxx. I can also be reached via email at me@email.com or on my mobile phone at (xxx)xxx-xxxx.” Well, you’re asking people to contact you outside of their own normal work hours, so you’re basically asking them to work when they’re on non-work time (and possibly even to work overtime if they’re non-exempt). Some people won’t mind that, but it’s not going to be realistic for everyone. It’s also a little unclear from the wording whether the before 8/after 6 thing only applies to that first phone number, or if it also applies to that second number and the email. (If the mobile number is exempt from the time restrictions, then just give the mobile number and not the other one.) I think your best bet is to assume that employers will reach out to you during business hours because that’s how the business world tends to work, and just be vigilant about monitoring your voicemail and email and get back to them as promptly as you can. That said, if you really want to, you could say something like, “It tends to be easiest to reach me by phone before 8 a.m. or after 6 p.m. because of my work schedule, but if you reach out by email, I’d be glad to schedule a specific time to talk!” 4. Will lying about my employment dates be a problem? How critical in the employment verification process is the accuracy of dates to the recruiters, when they’re getting ready to make a offer? If I tell an employer on my resume and in the interview that I’m still working a contract job that actually ended last month — for the sake of not having any gaps in my employment — and if the start and end dates are fluffed by a few months, will this be critical in my potential to have the offer extended? It’s very likely that it will be a problem, yes. Because it’s a lie, and while a few months might not seem like anything that anyone should care about, evidence of integrity (or lack of integrity) is very much something that employers care about. Demonstrating that you are a truthful person who operates with integrity is far more important to most employers than whether you had a gap of a few months. (In fact, gaps of a few months are basically a non-issue, unless they happen to highlight that you left the last job because you were fired or under other problematic circumstances … but since it was a contract job, that’s probably not an issue.) 5. My coworkers keep pressing me to take an expensive vacation Like the letter-writer last week who wanted her employee to take a week-long vacation, my manager and coworkers have been pressuring me to take a week off. They mean well, as my workload earlier this year was overwhelming and they are concerned about me getting burned out. I have taken a day off here and there, but I’m getting the feeling that this is not enough. My coworkers keep pressing me to “get away from it all” and go to places like Alaska or Costa Rica or Hawaii. While I’d love to go to any or all of those places, I don’t have the money to travel right now. My husband is unable to take time off and I don’t have a car, so even if I took a week-long “staycation,” I would be stuck at home and seriously bummed out because I couldn’t go anywhere. I work from home, so it would also be difficult to feel completely separated from work for a week. How should I respond to the constant suggestions that I travel to exotic locales? “It’s not in our budget.” Or, “Sounds great, but it’s not in our budget.” Or, “I know you mean well, but it’s not something I can afford.” Or, “If you’re footing the bill, yes!” You may also like:why can't I wear shorts to work?volunteer's mom hangs out in our office, refusing to comply with a vaccine mandate, and moreremote work bait-and-switch, changing clothes in the office bathroom, and more { 205 comments }
the guy who did my job before me won’t go away by Alison Green on September 1, 2015 A reader writes: How involved should a former employee be in current work? The quick backstory is that my predecessor, Gaius, was demoted into my position after a terrible run in the director position, did a nightmarish job for 20 years, and finally retired two years ago. The reason he stayed for so long had to do with some relationships he had built with community members (as it turns out, the community is also frustrated with him at the same time they admire certain knowledge he has, plus he has this charm that works on some people); however, he neglected his daily duties, never finished projects, and left a disaster zone (literally, the fire marshall cited the area as a hazard). He emails me regularly with advice and on two occasions has sent very nasty emails to me. I have been nothing but polite and patient with him, although I’m feeling very on edge and frustrated. I have talked to my boss (the director of the department) about this numerous times, and we both have talked to him about not interfering, emailed him, and tried to get him to go away. It will work for a few weeks, but Gaius always returns with more advice. My immediate problem is that he left some boxes labeled for “Gaius to sort.” It has been over a year and he has made minimal progress on sorting. (I suspect most of it is junk–he was a hoarder who collected junk mail and printouts from the internet and called it “special collections.” It is taking up a lot of space. I could definitely deal with this stuff myself and quickly, and I have told my boss that.) Now he wants to sit down and talk to me about my priorities and how I am organizing things. I have no interest in doing this. He’s not helpful in anyway. My sense is predecessors should stay out of new people’s business; even a predecessor that was great at the job should only help if asked, and after almost two years should not be involved at all. What else can I do? What can my boss do? Am I wrong? Is this a situation that HR should be involved in? This is a university setting, and unfortunately Gaius has emeritus status, something my boss didn’t want, but Gaius must have at least one high ranking advocate who ensured it for him. I’m trying my hardest not to let this situation get to me emotionally though I’m not succeeding at the moment; a solution would be welcome but I’m not sure what to try next. You’re right that he’s out of line, and that he shouldn’t be interfering or offering all this unsolicited advice, and he definitely shouldn’t be asking to sit down with you and talk about your priorities (!). The only appropriate role for a former employee who still wants to be involved is to be available as a resource if asked. But it sounds like you have a lot of control here. You’re the one in the job, not him, and your boss apparently agrees with you to the point of being willing to tell him to go away. That puts you in a position where you can probably ignore most of what he’s doing and not let him dictate how involved he is. This would be a lot more annoying if your boss was pushing you to consider his input, make him feel valued, etc. I would do the following: First, send him an email saying that you need the space that the boxes are currently taking up and plan to sort through them on the week of ___ (say, three weeks from now). Let him know that if he’d prefer to do it himself, he’s welcome to set up a time with you to come and deal with them before that, but that otherwise you’ll be handling it then. If he does choose to do it himself before that date, put him in a room with the boxes and schedule a meeting or something else for yourself for the same time, so that you have an excuse not to get pulled into conversation with him. If you think your boss would object to this plan or want to be aware of it, run it by her ahead of time. Second, starting today, ignore the advice emails. If that feels rude, send the occasional “thanks for the input!” back and leave it at that. (And I’d even wait a few days before sending that type of response back — you want to train him not to expect you to immediately jump when he emails, and you want to deny him the immediate gratification of getting you to engage.) Alternately, when you and your boss tell him to go away and he does for a few weeks but then returns with more advice, you could say, “This is the kind of thing we were talking about — I’m hoping you can trust we have this under control.” But it might be easier to just ignore. And stuff like asking you to sit down with him and talk about your priorities? The correct response to that is, “I’ve worked out my priorities with Jane and am all set” or “no thanks, I’ve got it under control.” It’s likely that if you don’t feed his desire for interaction about your work (which he apparently thinks is still partially his work), he will eventually pull back. Until then, ignoring, vague responses, and/or clear no’s are your friends. You may also like:I now manage the guy who hired me -- and I'm afraid he might quit over itmy boss keeps asking me to do things that aggravate our community partnersupdates: un-retiring, the paranoid employee, and more { 153 comments }
how to set realistic deadlines by Alison Green on September 1, 2015 Although setting realistic deadlines is only one element of the success of a project, getting it wrong can derail the whole thing. If you set deadlines that are too tight, you risk under-delivering and stressing your team and yourself out. If they’re too loose, you’ll end up wasting time and not moving work forward as quickly as you could. Here are six steps to setting deadlines that are realistic without being overly loose, and to ensure you and your team meet them. 1. Start by breaking the project down into chunks, so that you have a list of all the steps that need to be taken before the work is completed. Then, figure out how long each step will take and set a sub-deadline for each. This sounds obvious to people who plan on projects this way, but there are a surprising number of people who don’t – and who instead just try to estimate how long the whole thing will take, rather than looking at its component steps (and then end up frustrated when they need more time). 2. Think about what you’ve seen delay projects in the past. Does your director always take a week to review proofs? Does she tend to have last-minute changes that take time to implement? Assume that may happen again this time, and if at all possible, build time for those occurrences into your timeline. 3. Think about what else will be going on at the same time. You might only need a day to complete a particular task, but if it falls in the middle of a particularly hectic period with lots of conflicting priorities, you might need a week or more. You can’t create a realistic schedule in a vacuum; you want to take into account all the other things that will be going on at the same time. 4. Get input from others. If you’re setting deadlines for someone else, or that rely on someone else doing a piece of the work before you can do yours, check with them to make sure that the timelines you’re using are reasonable. You don’t want to discover weeks into your project schedule that they person you’re relying on to give you data is on vacation the week you assumed they could work on it, or that they have three bigger priorities that week, or that you’ve simply underestimated the amount of time it will take for them to pull together what you need. 5. Once your project schedule is underway, if it’s a big project schedule yourself some interim check-ins. This is especially important if you’re relying on other pieces for part of it; you don’t want to discover the day Jane’s data is due that she got caught up in a higher priority or was out sick last week so has pushed all her deadlines back or has simply forgotten about what she promised you. If you check in as the work is in progress, you’ll give yourself a better chance of avoiding these types of unpleasant surprises. (This doesn’t mean nagging your colleagues in an annoying way, but it’s okay to say, “Just wanted to make sure we’re on track to have that dataset ready by Tuesday – do you need anything from me in interim?”) Check in with yourself, too. Make sure you’re reviewing and meeting your sub-deadlines, keeping up the pace dictated by the schedule you laid out, and course-correcting before any small delays balloon into big ones. 6. Assume you’ll have last-minute issues. In managing people, I’ve noticed there are a lot of people who think, “That draft is due at close of business Wednesday, so I’ll write it Wednesday morning, which will give me plenty of time.” And it would have – except that they were out sick Wednesday, or had to field a client crisis, or otherwise couldn’t work on it that day and missed the deadline as a result. Don’t wait until a deadline is looming; work on things well ahead of deadlines, and you’ll more reliably stick to schedules (and often have the bonus of finishing up early). I originally published this at Intuit QuickBase’s blog. You may also like:my coworker wants me to do all the work he sends me ASAP, even when I have higher prioritiesI agreed to help a student with a grad school project ... it's gone badlytwo of my employees are harassing their disabled coworker { 5 comments }