Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Mentioning marriage and kids on a resume

I currently include on my resume (at the very bottom) personal information — church membership, hobbies, and info about my family. I know that in an interview, it would be illegal to ask about marriage, family, etc. However, I don’t mind including this info on my resume because I would only consider roles that would allow me some flexibility as a young mom (like the ability to leave early if a child is sick, etc.).

Bottom line, I’m very satisfied with my current position and not job hunting, but for future reference, is including this personal information unprofessional?

Here’s the copy and past from my resume:

Personal Background
Married for 9 years to John Doe; and mother of two children, Joe and Jenny
Member of Anytown Presbyterian Church for 10 years; currently serving as an active elder, supporting the work of the Fellowship Committee.
Interests: Reading; cooking; gardening; hiking; canoeing; sport fishing; domestic and overseas church mission work; and supporting local animal rescue and pet adoption organizations.

Nooooo, don’t do that! You absolutely, positively, 100% must take off any reference to your marriage or your kids. You should also remove the mention of church, unless you’re including it to mention a leadership role you hold there. In the U.S. at least, including things like that is so very much not the convention that when a candidate includes that kind of thing, it ends up looking really out of touch with professional norms. You just cannot. It’s going to get you rejected — not because hiring managers don’t want to hire moms, but because you’ll look like you don’t know or don’t care about professional boundaries.

You can leave the interests part of it if you really want to (most hiring managers won’t find it relevant but it’s not going to hurt you), but it’s unlikely to strengthen your candidacy and thus is taking up space that could instead be used for something that would.

2. Part of my interview was in a foreign language

I recently went through the worst interview of my life. At the very end of the interview, I was extremely taken aback as I was asked to sell something in a foreign language — one that I said I had fluency on my resume. I flunked it, terribly. Afterwards, my interviewers started talking about how they were worried about my nonexistent sales skills (for a customer rep position), my “unavailability,” even though they knew I was a full-time student (i.e., when I said I was good for weekends and I could make myself available on weekdays if needed to…to which they replied I was taking “too many courses” and should ask to fix my school schedule ASAP, even without knowing if I’d get the job).

My friends have told me to take it as a lesson – but of what? Even though I have “fluency” (i.e., completely understand listening – but have hard time speaking) should I not have put it on my resume? I feel that if I’m not, I’m short selling myself, and in all my jobs that I’ve had, my language level hasn’t deterred my performance at all. I live in a city where have this foreign language is an extreme asset as well.

What should I do now? Do I even other doing a follow-up thank-you…? I’ve never been more embarrassed in my life!

Well, I think the problem is that your resume is saying you’re fluent but you’re not actually fluent! (Fluency means that you’re able to speak the language well, not just understand it). So you’ve got to change that on your resume to more accurately represent your actual skill level with the language.

As for this job, it sounds like they were telling you it isn’t the strongest fit. If you remain interested in it regardless, send a thank-you note, reiterate your interest, and perhaps address the language issue. That may or may not help, but it certainly won’t hurt.

3. Freelancer who turned in subpar work won’t give me info to pay her

I have a weird situation. I’m fairly new to my organization and i had to pay a freelancer to translate a report. When I received the report (five minutes before the deadline) and it was full of grammar mistakes and mistranslations, I was quite annoyed and decided not to hire her again. I was planning not to tell her, but she specifically asked for feedback, so I told her that we really appreciated it but the work wasn’t up to standard.

She replied with a really sad email saying that she’s sorry, thanked me for the opportunity, and then refused to accept payment for the work because it was subpar. I replied immediately saying that of course we want to pay her and asked again for her bank details, but she hasn’t replied. She hasn’t given us any details that would allow me to send a check — no address, no bank details, nothing.

Do I chase her up on this, or let it go? I work for a charity, so I’m not exactly keen on shelling out a lot of money for bad work, but we had an agreement and I think we should honor it.

Yes, make one more attempt. Say this to her: “We feel strongly about paying you for the work we contracted with you for. Not paying you isn’t an option, so can you please provide me with (whatever info you need)?” If she doesn’t respond to that, you’ve done all you reasonably can.

4. Contacting the person who currently has the job I’m applying for

I applied for a position about four days ago and, after doing research, have decided it’s probably best just to sit back and wait to hear from the organization. However, would it at any point be a good idea to contact someone who is currently in the same position and ask to have a conversation about what their day-to-day work is like? It’s a pretty niche position, so it’s not like I can find a lot of people to ask. Is this too aggressive or could it help me get an interview/help get the job if I contacted the employee after an interview was requested?

Don’t do that at this stage. If you haven’t even been interviewed yet, it’s premature to ask to take up someone’s time like that. The reality is that, statistically speaking, you’re likely not to be interviewed (that’s just the math on number of applicants versus number who are interviewed), so you don’t want to ask for a favor that is likely to end up not being useful to you. IF YOU’re interviewed and IF you make it to the finalist stage, you could certainly ask your interviewer if they can put you in touch with the person currently in the position (but I’d go through them rather than reaching out directly, so that you don’t appear to be circumventing their hiring process), but wait to get to that stage first.

(Also, definitely don’t do this only as a way to look impressive; you should only do this if you genuinely have questions for that person. It’s usually obvious when people are doing the former, and it’s generally pretty irritating.)

5. My daughter’s employer didn’t pay her for her last two days of work

My daughter was employed at a local chain eatery from age 15 until 18. Throughout her time there, she either worked a 3:30-10 or 10-4 shift. She never received a lunch or dinner break or any break at all, even when requested. She was”picked on” by her boss for the better part of her last year with the company. She has since quit after her boss called her a “f-ing idiot.” They did not pay her for her last two days of work.

I would like some legal or professional leverage prior to speaking with their human resources this week.

First, you should not be making that call at all. Your daughter is an adult and she should handle this on her own; in fact, most reasonable employers won’t speak to someone other than the employee about personnel issues (assuming she’s not a minor, which she’s not). So don’t call for her. Instead, coach her on how to make the call herself. Not only does that avoid the unprofessionalism of an employee’s mother calling on her behalf, but you’ll also be teaching her how to handle this kind of thing on her own, which will help her in the future.

When she calls, she should point out that federal and state laws require employees to be paid for all time worked. She should also google the name of your state plus “last paycheck law” and she’ll find out how long employers in your state have before they must pay final wages (as well as whether your stage tacks on penalties if that payment is late). She can then cite that in her conversation with the employer, saying something like, “As you know, Virginia law requires that departing employees receive their full wages no later than the next scheduled payday, and fines employers a $1,000 penalty per violation for not complying with this law. I’m still awaiting payment for X hours on DATES, totaling $X. I’d like to pick up that check on Wednesday — will that work?”

It’s four answers to four questions. (Yes, four, not five. It’s the weekend!) Here we go…

1. Should I go to a cross-country interview when we’re far apart on salary?

I was recently recruited and had a successful first interview (via phone) with a reputable company. They are flying me across the country to participate in two days of in-person interviews and also disclosed that they only have two finalists.

During my phone interview, the salary subject was brought up and one of the interviewers did not phrase the salary talk in the form of a question. It was a statement of “$40k is the range in which we are looking at so we would like to be upfront with that.” I responded along the lines of “while that is significantly lower than what I would expect for this position I am open to negotiation.”

I am making slightly more in my current position (same title as the new job prospect) but the current organization isn’t as well connected and is significantly smaller. I’m feeling very uneasy taking this in-person interview knowing that in order for me to realistically move the salary offer would need to come up at least $30k. I feel a bit guilty requesting more, but the work weeks will regularly be pushing 60 hours and I would be working in a highly stressful (but very rewarding) environment. $70k-$100k is a comparable salary for other organizations of a similar size.

Should I contact the interviewers and bring up salary again? Or should I try to approach the conversation when I see them in-person? I’m very thrown by their idea of a salary range for this position and hope that my accepting an in-person interview does not mean that I will accept what I view as a lowball offer.

That’s a huge difference, and it’s really unlikely that they’re going to come anywhere close to that. Also, it’s not really fair that they told you what they’re planning to pay and you didn’t let them know that you’re in wildly different ballparks. You did tell them that you’re hoping for more, but your response didn’t indicate how very far apart you are — and “I’m willing to negotiate” sounds like you’d be willing to accept something close to their number.

If you let them fly you out and spend time and money on you and then raise this in person (when you already knew it was an issue before accepting the invitation), you’re likely to have a pretty pissed off interviewer. The time to raise it is now.

Go back to them and say, “Before you bring me out, I wanted to touch base again on salary so that I’m being considerate of your time and money. You had mentioned you have a $40K range for the position. I wouldn’t be able to accept less than $X, which is on the lower end of the market range for this type of work at the level you’ve described. I’m really excited about the position and would love to keep talking, but does it make sense to?”

Be prepared for them to say no, of course — which means that you want to make sure that the number you mention as your minimum is truly your minimum … and also a number you’d accept if offered, because there’s probably not going to be any negotiation after that if they do.

2. How do I turn down a date with a coworker who I genuinely like as a person … when I’ve already said yes?

I started a new job a few months ago, and while I’m fortunate enough to be working on an incredible team, one coworker in particular has been especially welcoming and friendly to me. Since pretty much my first day, he would stop by my desk and send me emails/chat messages asking how I’m doing, if I need help with anything, etc. Eventually our back-and-forths turned less work-related and more personal, and we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well. We’ve gone to lunch together a few times (though I’ve gone to lunch with many other coworkers as well), and lately he’s started texting me on the weekends (he got my number from our team directory, but asked if he could text me first).

Anyway, one thing led to another and a few days ago, he asked me out. I was kind of caught off guard by it, so I said “sure,” but now that I’m thinking more about it, I want to back out of going out with him but don’t know how. I feel so guilty, since I know in a way I’ve led him on. Our discussions never crossed into “sexual” topics or anything, but they definitely got flirty… And while I think he’s a great guy (funny, smart, attractive), the last time I dated a coworker, it ended badly and made work life extremely awkward (not just for us, but for our other coworkers as well). Since I’m on a very close-knit team, I think us dating would change the team dynamic, especially if it didn’t work out.

On a more personal level, for the past year or so I’ve been trying to reconnect with my religious beliefs, and I don’t want to get into a physical relationship anymore until marriage (that includes kissing, not just sex). It’s been a big adjustment to my mindset, and obviously still a work-in-progress since I’ve managed to lead my coworker on so much.

How do I turn down his date without hurting his feelings? I really do like him as a person, but I don’t want to date a coworker and I don’t want to jeopardize my religious beliefs (I would feel presumptuous even bringing it up this early — like I’m just assuming he’s expecting sex right away or something). I feel like “it’s not you, it’s me” truly applies here, but I don’t know if he’d see it that way. I would still like to maintain a good working relationship, and a good friendship with him. I feel so horrible for letting it get this far! Any advice?

Well, first, stop feeling guilty. Boundaries with coworkers who are starting to become friends can be confusing, and it’s easy for it to start going in a different direction before you quite realize what’s going on. You didn’t do anything wrong here. I mean, ideally you wouldn’t have said yes when he asked you out, but it can be really hard to navigate that well in the moment it happens, especially when you didn’t see it coming, and especially when the person is a coworker. Furthermore, there’s no “leading him on” here; you were friendly to a coworker, and that is not leading him on or doing anything wrong.

Fortunately, you have a pretty easy built-in explanation for retracting your original “yes”: You don’t want to date coworkers. That alone is perfectly reasonable; you don’t even need to get into your religious beliefs. Go back to him and say this: “I thought more about going out, and I realize that I’m not comfortable dating coworkers. I’d love to stay work friends though.”

If he’s a good guy, that’ll take care of it. If he gets pushy about it, then he’s not a good guy and you can say something like, “This isn’t something I’m going to debate. Please stop asking.”

3. I’m forced to work during breaks

I am a minor in Indiana working at Dairy Queen. Although they let me on break, they force me to work during it. Is this legal?

Indiana requires that minors who work six or more hours in a shift be given one or two breaks totaling at least 30 minutes. They have to be real breaks, meaning that you don’t work during them. So no, it’s not legal if your shifts are six hours or longer.

If you were an adult, the answer would be different: Indiana doesn’t require employers to give adult employees meal or rest breaks at all, so the fact that they’re requiring you to work on a break (essentially taking away the break) would be legal — as long as they were paying for all the time you’re working. In other words, they can’t have you clock out for the break and then still do work, unless you clock back in.

It’s possible they don’t realize that the law is different for minors. I’d say this: “I just found out that state law requires minors to have 30 minutes of break time when working six hours or more. I know that’s different from adult employees. Would it be better for me to take my breaks off the premises, so that people don’t forget and ask me to do work during those periods?”

4. Update: my writing partner is a hot mess

Remember the letter-writer in March who was regretting entering into a writing partnership? Here’s the update.

I wrote a few months back about my writing partner who is a hot mess. Pretty much unanimously, the comments were: GET OUT NOW!

I hung in there for a while – just felt awkward to cut and run – until I found out one day her boundaries apparently include listening in on conversations I’d had on my phone, as well as insisting I should leave my briefcase with her while I stepped away to buy a cup of coffee at a coffee shop. And I do mean insisting.

Finally I got it – nothing was going to change, no matter how much I wished the situation were different.

A brief email explaining the end of the partnership sent, then a block on return emails (because OMG if ever you’d like to see a tidalwave of incoming mail, try breaking off from a person with no boundaries) and it’s over.

My sense of relief reassures me that those who commented on my post were 100% correct, and I thank all of you who gave me advice.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Should I tell our small nonprofit’s board about the problems with our new executive director?

I’ve been with a small nonprofit for over a decade. A new executive director took over a year ago, which was expected and welcomed by me and many others. This new ED had been with the organization for over 5 years and was very conscientious about moving the organization forward in a positive way.

I think the stress of managing the organization (especially the finances) has gotten to him, and it’s made the whole organization a toxic place to work. Emotional intelligence plays a big role. He is logical and rational to a fault, and has never been able to interpret or understand situations where people’s emotions could be changing their behavior or clouding their judgment. When he first started, he was aware of this deficiency in himself and looked to others to help him, but he seems to have forgotten now. He’s also surrounded himself with “yes men” who are bad managers, and dissent has become dangerous where once an active discussion was welcomed. He’s become rude, arrogant, condescending, and now makes decisions with little or no input from the people it would impact. No one wants to be around him anymore.

I’m the seventh person to resign since April, and I know others are actively looking, so I doubt I’ll be the last. I love this organization and its mission, and it breaks my heart to see this happening.

After so many years with the organization, I know the board very well. Is it appropriate for me, after I leave, to contact any of them to explain why I left? If any of them contact me to ask questions, what do I have the right or obligation to disclose? If information I can provide would help get the organization back on track, I’d like to. I also don’t want to burn any bridges. Is it time for me to just let go?

Some people will tell you to just move on and it’s not your problem anymore, but if you care about the organization and want to see it succeed and you have reason to think the board will be open to hearing your feedback, then yes, there’s no reason you shouldn’t reach out and share your experience. You don’t have any obligation to do that, but it’s certainly an option you’re entitled to exercise.

That said, many, many boards aren’t receptive to hearing this kind of feedback from staff — or simply don’t care as long as the ED appears to be getting the results they want from the organization — so it will depend heavily on what type of board members they are and what standing you have with them. In general, the more you come across as unemotional and not pushing an agenda, the better it’s likely to go over. (In fact, it might be better to just have the initial contact be an offer to talk, rather than your input itself. For example, “Hey, if you’re interested in hearing a perspective on the recent turnover that you might not be hearing from Fergus, please reach out to me and I’d be glad to talk.”)

2. Is it weird that I didn’t tell my manager that my vacation plans changed?

I took a three week leave. I gave a proper notice about my vacation plans to my lead and my immediate manager well before the vacation start. To be precise, I had given the notice two months before the day of vacation start. Since the project for which I was working was about to get completed before my departure for vacation, my manager was all smiles while approving my vacation. The little problem is that at the time of applying for vacation, my manager curiously asked me about the destination of vacation. At that time I was planning to visit Europe with some of my friends. So without any hesitation even though knowing this is my personal matter, I mentioned Europe plans to him. But later we dropped that plan and made other plans to visit various cities in our home country itself. But I never informed about this change in my destination to my manager. I am still on vacation but at a different place. But my manager thinks that I am in Europe. Will this cause problem for me?? I hope that how I decide to use my vacation is entirely my personal matter. But still would really appreciate your suggestion on this matter.

I don’t see why it would matter. Plans change, and it’s not like it would look like you misrepresented your plans in order to get vacation approved that otherwise wouldn’t have been. And you’re under no obligation — zero — to report on how you spend your time off. And you’re allowed to change your mind.

If your manager asks how your trip was when you return, just explain you ended up changing your plans, traveling domestically instead, and it was great.

3. Our bookkeeper missed payroll

Our employees weren’t paid on time this pay period and when I asked our bookkeeper about it, she told me she didn’t get to it because she wasn’t feeling well. There will always be the unexpected—sickness, family emergencies, etc. — but our employees should always expect to be paid on time. How do we ensure this? Should I be looking for a new bookkeeper?

First, tell her directly and clearly what you need. For example: “While there are some tasks that are okay to put off when you’re sick or have higher priorities, payroll isn’t one of them. We’ve committed to our employees that we’ll pay them by a certain date, and we’re also required by law to pay at regular intervals. This is a task that just doesn’t have deadline flexibility. I don’t want a situation where you have to work while you’re sick or can never take time off, so let’s talk about what kind of system we need in place.”

Also, make it clear that if she’s ever in danger of missing payroll, she needs to raise it with you immediately (not the day of or after the fact) so that you can ensure a solution is put in place so that doesn’t happen.

If she’s still not meeting deadlines after you have this conversation, then yes, I’d consider replacing her — you can’t have a bookkeeper who’s cavalier about this kind of thing. But first make sure you’ve made your expectations clear.

4. Sending thank-you’s for rejections where I wasn’t even interviewed

I’ve run in to a bit of bad luck on the job hunt. There have been some positions where I’ve felt I was well qualified and would have been a really good fit. Unfortunately, I received rejection letters for those positions and never had the opportunity for a face-to-face interview.

Do you think it is a good idea to send thank-you letters even though an interview was never conducted? At least perhaps you may stand out for future positions, right?

This is the kind of generic sample template I came up with:

“I received notice that I did not made your list of finalists for the _________ position within your company. While this news is unfortunate, I wanted to take the chance to reach out and thank you for the opportunity and the prompt notice.

While I believe my skills and qualifications would have been a perfect match for this position, I hope that you may consider me for future positions within your business! I truly feel that the charisma, dedication and creativity that I bring to the table would be an asset to your company. By learning and contributing in a successful company such as yours, I believe I’ll be able to continue my own personal and professional growth.

Thank you again for the opportunity! I’m hopeful that we may find a position within your company more suited to my skills! Best of luck in your future recruiting efforts!”

Eh, you can, but I don’t think it’s really going to get you anywhere. The note comes across as pretty generic (as evidenced by the fact that it’s a form letter you could use for multiple positions) and there’s not really anything in here that will strengthen you beyond what was already presumably in your original application. I’d let this go and instead focus your energy on writing great cover letters and having a strong resume.

And for what it’s worth, if your cover letter contains language like that, that’s where I’d really focus — you want your letter to be truly descriptive of why you’re great at what you do, which means specific details, not just assertions that you have traits like dedication and creativity. (And I’d leave charisma out of it altogether, since that’s one of those things that others can say about you but you can’t credibly claim yourself.)

Start here.

5. Can I ask my new job for a different email address?

I will be starting a new job soon and received an welcome packet with my new employee ID number, benefits brochures, and other information. This included my newly created work email address, which follows the common “first initial + last name @ workplace.com” formula. However, the last letter of my last name was cut off (think “jsmit” for John Smith), and I can see this causing a great deal of confusion once I start my new job. Would it be appropriate to bring this up and request a change? I don’t want to seem petty or whiny, but I would like to eliminate any confusion sooner rather than later.

It’s possible that this is their standard format for email addresses; that they all have a specific number of characters, and if your last name is longer than that, it just gets cut off. If that’s the case, it’ll look weird if you push for an exception. (One way to tell: Look at the email addresses of others you’ve corresponded with there. Do they seem to bear out that theory?) Or it’s possible that it was a mistake on their end, and that it would be fine to bring it to their attention.

If you can’t tell if the first theory is right, it would be fine to email back and say, “I just want to check — was it intentional to set this up as jsmit rather than jsmith? I’d admittedly prefer jsmith, but I realize there might have been a reason to set it up this way.”