weekend free-for-all – January 6-7, 2018

by Alison Green on January 6, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: This Is How It Always Is, by Laurie Frankel. It’s about a family who thought they had five sons but turns out to have four sons and a daughter. It’s excellent.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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{ 1,626 comments }

{ 1,626 comments… read them below }

  1. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

    Has anyone used Himalayan Salt Lamps? I’m thinking of getting one for the place that shall not be named on weekends for a variety of reasons…better air, nice light and possibly picking up the salt pieces to warm my hands. Are these a viable thing or kind of a scammy product? Any “gotchas” I should look out for?

    1. KatieKate*

      I think salt lamps look cool, but there is 0 proof that they have any of the health benefits that they claim. So if you’re just looking for a fun lamp, you should be set

    2. dr_silverware*

      I have one! All the claims on the box about better air etc are very scammy. On the other hand, it’s pretty, and when it’s been lit for a while it gently warms up and it’s nice to touch. Biggest downside: apparently you’re not supposed to lick them.

      2. Peggy*

        I absolutely licked mine the moment I got it. I had to.

        I love the warm light – I’m obsessed with coziness after reading the Danish hygge book and the salt lamp is ultimate hygge.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I don’t have one, but a friend does. It’s nice to look at, but that’s about it. I don’t buy into their claims (or claims on many products, for that matter). I’d say if you just want something that looks nice, go for it.

    4. NaoNao*

      My BF got me one for xmas! I don’t really have any health benefits, but it makes a lovely nightlight for winding down before going to bed. I like that it’s a touch-on, touch-off, and I love the pinkish/redish glow.

    5. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      Thanks all. A co-worker got one with a bowl and spheres, and the biggest thing was the spheres warmed my hands up pretty well when I was chatting with her (I have the VENT OF DOOM above my desk and somehow they couldn’t figure out how to turn on the heat this week, so we got AC). Other than that, I was thinking the health benefits weren’t really proven, so I didn’t want to make a big time monetary investment.

      1. Thlayli*

        You should ask about the possibility of getting a new diffuser put on the vent. That’s the part (usually plastic) that diverts the air sideways do it goes round the room instead of straight down into the unfortunate individual sitting directly below. It’s just a bit of plastic so it’s s relatively cheap fix – you might even be able to google suppliers in your area and call them with estimated dimensions to get an estimated price, without any actual technical knowledge at all. The actual selection of the correct one and fitting would probably have to be done by an expert, but if you are on good terms with your maintenance person (and maintenance personnel are some of the people you should always try to be on good terms with) then she should be able to tell you whether she can fit it herself or not.

        1. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

          I used those diffusers when I lived up north and they worked well in my house vents to redirect! Sadly, the vent above my desk is about 18″ x 18″ and already sends air in 4 directions very powerfully, but it’s connected to the same duct that vents a freezing interior conference room (which sounds like a jet engine when air is on!). They can’t seem to equalize the air flow or temp and I’m freezing even in summer, but at least then, I can go outside and warm up. I’m hoping a move of desks will solve the problem and perhaps I can find the warm spot in the office!

          1. Thlayli*

            It sounds like you could make a case that having a desk in that location at all shouldn’t b allowed on the grounds of health and safety. Do You have a H&S department? If so contact them.

    6. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

      For better air, I like charcoal. Cedar never worked for me, but charcoal has. (It’s also done wonders for impurities in my skin so maybe I’m just biased.) Plenty Of places have little cloth bags of it, and Walmart sells some with the irons and steamers.

    8. Wrench Turner*

      Until I see a published paper with a double-blind study on their benefits, they’re no more than pretty rocks to me. That said, enjoy your pretty rock! I love the way they look when lit from within. Our planet is beautiful.

      1. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

        Agree! Currently, I’m enjoying co-workers pretty rocks (warm on hands!). I think I’ll hold off on purchasing until either it warms up here in FL or my desk gets moved away from the vent of doom. Then, I’ll see if I still want to look at pretty rocks and buy myself a glowy light!

    9. MissDissplaced*

      Ive had one a few months. It is pretty as an accent piece, but that is about it. Don’t spend too much if you want one. I got mine at Marshalls for about $12 on clearance.

    10. Southernbelle*

      Let me put it this way: it’s not ionizing anything, unless you eat the salt, at which point it’s going to dissolve. It’s not purifying the air, either. The melting point of salt (NaCl) is about 800 degrees Celsius, and the boiling point is about 1400 degrees Celsius, at which point your office would be on fire.

      So, get one if you want, but all the claims are nonsense. If you want cleaner air, I favor a HEPA filter and a plant. They are pretty though!

      -A PhD biochemist with a bachelor’s degree in chemistry

    11. Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farms*

      I have had a couple, they’re delightful. Caveat, if you keep it in a very humid place, it will disintegrate somewhat.

  2. Turtlewings*

    Can anyone advise me on unlocking an e-reader? I got one in the mail by accident from some kind of health company (it came with a scale as well), and when I contacted the company they said I could keep it. But it’s set up to only talk to the scale or something. I don’t even know. Part of some kind of health plan kit. The company is Optum if that means anything to anyone. I don’t have an e-reader so I would love to use this one if I can get it to work!

    2. ThatGirl*

      Unless it’s a branded kindle or something, it’s probably only designed to be used with the scale and may not be jail breakable. Think of it as an oversized remote.

    3. Menacia*

      What kind of e-reader is it? Why not ask the company if it can be used for other things beyond communicating with the scale?

    4. Laura*

      I’m guessing it’s a tablet (not e-reader) that uses the Android operating system. If you google jailbreak Android tablet you should get a few things you can try.

    5. D*

      It’s a Samsung Galaxy and it’s locked to only work for teleheath purposes. I’m surprised you were told to keep it; typically those devices are returned when a member leaves the program.

  3. Stacy*

    I found out this week that my position is being eliminated for budget reasons. This has never happened be me before. I’ve got To-Do lists started, and am going back and forth between peacefulness and my thoughts being totally scattered. I think I’ve got the work-related things that I need to do noted or already in progress (updating my references, applying for temp and full-time positions…). What might I not be thinking of that I should do or not do? I’ll be letting my family know so they don’t find out via FB or anything, since an announcement went out to my department and the leadership team last night. What life stuff am I not thinking of? What did you do/not do in similar situations that you wish you had handled differently?

    And it’s January…so like everyone else, of course I’m fighting off whatever cold/crud is going around for like the thousandth time this season. I’m going back and forth between wanting to lay low and nap, ply myself with fluids, binge watch something distracting and rest, and also slightly panicking feeling like I should occupy every second with tasks to help secure new employment. Tell me this is totally normal, or am I just totally burnt out right now?

    1. Colette*

      Once you tell your family, tell everyone else. I mean, don’t take out a billboard, but don’t feel like you have to hide it. I got my last 2 jobs through connections.

      Figure out your budget. How long can you live at your current expense level? What can you cut, and how long does that extend your money?

      Figure out what kind of jobs you’re looking for, and find a concise way to share it if someone asks.

      Are you eligible for unemployement? Apply. What about job hunting help? Is there a program in your area?

      And be kind to yourself. Most of getting a job is out of your control, so take care of the parts you control and accept that the rest isn’t up to you.

    2. Namast'ay in Bed*

      I’m not sure what your health insurance situation is like, but one thing I did when this happened to me is to take full advantage of every health benefit I could. Bumped up my physical, got an eye exam, ordered new glasses and contacts to spend out my FSA, etc. I was extremely fortunate that I could switch onto my partner’s insurance plan and avoid the awful expense of cobra, but it still meant switching off of my company’s awesome plan and onto a less frilled plan (one of the downsides of start ups). But either way, if you’re going to have to switch insurance plans, make sure to take advantage of every benefit you can before it ends.

      Also do that for any random benefits your company may offer. (For example, my old company offered to pay global entry/tsa pre-check application fees, so I applied for that before my last day.) I would double check with whoever approves them beforehand just to make sure they’ll still cover it for a departing employee, but since you’re not departing willingly, they’ll probably be more sympathetic and approve it!

      And yes, all of your feelings are suuuuuuper normal. Hang in there, Jedi hugs from me!

      1. atexit8*

        Sign up for COBRA.
        If you continue with your current health insurance under COBRA, there is no reason to bump up the physical exam.

        You might be force to roll over your 401(k) if the balance is too small.
        If that is the case, I would consider rolling into Vanguard or Fidelity total stock market index fund.

        Take PTO if it is take it or lose it.

    4. WillyNilly*

      I have been laid off twice. My biggest advice is buy a BIG thing of laundry detergent (I tend towards powdered, you can get a 200 load box for under $20).
      When funds are tight (if you are unemployed a while), its really nice to know you can always have clean laundry.

    5. MissDissplaced*

      At least you got some notice. In addition to all the work things noted, yes take advantage of your health and PTO benefits now before the job ends.
      Get finances in order, make advance payments if you are able.
      I kind of did a “stock up” run on necessities while the money was still coming in.

  4. Laura*

    I’m all better from the flu and I’m stoked to go back to that place that’s not named on weekends! The rest I got from that week and a half was needed but I’m ready to get back to my routine! And get out of the house also!! Have a great weekend!

      4. anon24*

        If I remember correctly Anon had $16 to their name and still needed food and gas for the week, and Cold had no heat in their apartment and lives somewhere experiencing this cold snap.

        1. nep*

          I mean the one whose name was ‘Anon and Cold’ — a couple people asked after this person in the new year’s free-for-all but I don’t think there was a response.
          So Anon and Cold, if you’re there we’d love to hear from you.

    2. fposte*

      Yes, I was really worrying about her. I hope either the landlord got it together or she contacted a friend about staying the night.

    3. Courtney*

      I hope we do soon. There was a story yesterday about someone in my area without heat literally freezing to death. It’s heartbreaking.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        It sucks not to have heat, besides being dangerous. I survived three days without heat during the 2007 ice storm (no power either) but it would have been dangerous to stay any longer. The only reason I didn’t leave sooner was that 1) there was nowhere else to go that had power, and 2) the roads were impassable until the storm was over.

        Remembering how miserable that was, I really hope she found a place to stay.

        1. Lujessmin*

          Oh, the great 2007 ice storm. My power was out for a week, I was going from one hotel to another, and my mother was in the hospital (eventually had to put her in a nursing home). It was the closest I’ve ever come to just wanting it all to be over. If the window in my hotel room could have been opened, it might have been.

          The next day (Saturday), I was at work, trying to get caught up and do some personal stuff. I called our Employee Healthline and tried to talk to someone, but they were useless. It finally blew over, and I’ve never had those feelings again, but I never want to go through another ice storm.

          2. Elizabeth West*

            Me either. It was the WORST. The storm lasted for three days, and my power was out for twelve days. The sun did not come out for two weeks afterward. I too did the hotel hopping and stayed at a coworker’s house for a night. I had hot water; if I had a fireplace, I could have stayed in my house. But alas, I do not.

            One really good thing: all the arborists and power company people who came from other states to help, and when I went to Branson to stay (they escaped the worst of it), all the restaurant workers and hotel folks were very kind. One place gave discounts on meals to all displaced ice storm victims. And the city, whose failure to keep up the tree-trimming schedule made it worse, sucked it up and picked up all our tree debris for free. They burned it–there was so much that they had nowhere to put it. The whole town smelled like a campfire for weeks.

            A former friend who went through the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake in Santa Cruz said she did not know how we managed. They were powerless after that as well and had to camp out in the backyard (wasn’t safe to be inside the house until they were sure it was stable), but as she put it, “At least it was WARM!”

            I want to move out of winter weather FOREVER.

            1. nep*

              Wow that’s a hell of an experience. Glad to hear of all the helpers.
              (Re last line: Every year when the cold weather starts, I wonder why the hell I’m still living where winter is brutal. Every year I say never again; I hope this year I can hold to it.)

        2. Coalea*

          My power (and heat) were out for 7 days following a freak October snowstorm in 2011. I woke up in the middle of the night in excruciating pain a few hours after the outage started. Went to the hospital, which was running on generators. Turns out I had a kidney stone. Spent the next 4 days huddled under every blanket I owned, zonked out on Percocet. Finally felt well enough to drag myself to the house of a family friend whose power had been restored. Hope never to repeat that experience!

      2. IntoTheSarchasm*

        We live in Northern Michigan, near the lake and have gotten tons of snow and freezing temps as many others have. We have a pretty stable power grid, but still wonder what we would do if the power went out as we have no heat other than our natural gas furnace. As we are planning a major remodel in the spring, started looking at natural gas powered generators – they are less expensive than I would have guessed so that may become part of our remodel or at least lay the ground work for one as much as possible while everything is torn apart.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        I saw a similar story of someone freezing to death. I pray it’s not our friend here.

        Maybe it’s something simple as we overwhelmed her with so many posts. It’s okay Anon and Cold, you can come back anyway and talk to us. It’s okay. We will be happy to talk with you.

  6. OperaArt*

    Suggestions? I’ve been taking private ballroom and Latin dance lessons for the last 3 years (also group classes.) When I reach a certain point in my training, my teacher and I will do a kind of graduation dance in front of several hundred people. It’s a big deal, and we start prepping months in advance.
    So, I need to pick a song. I want something that’s about being happy, positive or charging ahead even when things get tough. But I want the message to be a little subtle. Also, my teacher and I need to be able to dance to it, any combination of waltz, salsa, tango, foxtrot, rumba, cha cha, hustle, West Coast swing, or (East Coast) swing.
    So far, I’m thinking “Happy” by Pharrell Williams, Singing in the Rain, or No Boundaries (not subtle enough?).

    2. Marthooh*

      “Downtown” (Petula Clark) sounds like it’s about a place but really it’s about an attitude. And it’s very danceable!

    3. Ramona Flowers*

      This is maybe not the right kind of message but I like All or Nothing by Athena Cage which is the song used for the final routine in Save the Last Dance.

    4. Liquor Store Lady*

      Uncharted by Sara Bareilles. It’s a little slower than some of the songs listed, but it’s a super charming song about wanting your life to be an unplanned adventure.

    6. Former Employee*

      I know it isn’t applicable/appropriate, but for some reason I thought of “Can That Boy Foxtrot!” by Stephen Sondheim. Hint: It has nothing to do with dancing.

    7. oranges & lemons*

      How about Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now”? Based on your criteria this probably won’t work, but I will forever be amused that this was my graduation song.

    8. Thlayli*

      Feeling groovy? That 60s song can’t remember the name of the duo. You know the one: slow down, you move to fast, gotta make the morning last..

      The tune alone puts me in a good mood.

  7. Ramona Flowers*

    Hey everyone. It’s my birthday early next week which is mostly really annoying timing but does at least give me a nice extra reason to take down the Christmas decorations and cards. I wanted to go for a drive in the country and have lunch in a pub with a roaring fire, so we’re doing that tomorrow. And I’m coming up to eight months no smoking!

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Hi! Congratulations on eight months no smoking! That’s brilliant.

      And happy birthday for next week. I hope you have a great one with lots of love and happiness.

    3. Call me St. Vincent*

      Happy Birthday!!! I just want to take this opportunity to tell you, which I may have done before but you can’t say it enough, how glad I am that you are part of this forum. I really enjoy reading your comments all the time and way back in September you gave me the best advice for how to handle being away from my daughter for the first time. I hope you have an amazing birthday day and an even better year!

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        So people keep saying things like this to me, and I am struggling to express in words how surprised and pleased I am to hear that anyone finds my comments helpful. I was so glad to be able to help you and your kiddo.

        Thank you all for the birthday wishes!

        2. Grace Carrow*

          Happy Birthday! I think people say this because it’s true. I like the way you (a) give sensible and thoughtful on point advice; (b) also participate by asking for advice yourself; and (c) I admire so much your ability to say nicely but firmly that you are asking for advice on X but not Y.

          1. Ramona Flowers*

            Hey, I’m glad you mentioned point c, as I often worry that I just seem controlling. It’s often an important self-care thing for me, so it’s nice to hear that it’s not coming across badly.

    4. CAA*

      Happy birthday! Mine is Wednesday, so I totally understand the thing about annoying timing. And congrats on being a non-smoker!

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Some day I’ll get round to insisting on a second birthday in the summer. Like the queen.

        1. Woodswoman*

          Happy birthday, and congratulations on being a nonsmoker. Regarding your suggestion for the summer, I actually do this with my mother who was born on December 26. Many years ago, she commented that growing up she felt she didn’t get much recognition for her birthday. Ever since then, I’ve been celebrating her birthday on June 26 instead. She loves it, and she now gets two birthdays a year because my siblings still recognize her December 26 date. Truth be told, I honor t in a small way too, we just call it her half-birthday.

          2. Connie-Lynne*

            My birthday was Thursday; I’ve never been able to move it six months (bc that’s July 4th) but I’ve shuffled it into March or April before and it’s great!

        2. Amey*

          My birthday’s just before Christmas and I always thought I should get to celebrate my half birthday in June as well. It just seemed like such a nice time for a birthday. I might still do it.

    6. DanaScully*

      Congratulations on eight months! You must feel really proud.

      That sounds like a perfect birthday to me. I hope you have a great day!

    9. CS Rep by Day, Writer by Night*

      Happy birthday, and congratulations for staying smoke free! It’s an amazing accomplishment that will hopefully net you many more birthdays to come.

    10. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Congrats on making it 8 months! My mom quit around the same time and I’m proud of both of you :)

      Enjoy your birthday!

    11. King Friday XIII*

      Happy birthday and one more round of congrats on giving up smoking! Seeing you in the comments always makes me smile, both as a Scott Pilgrim fan and because you always have something thoughtful to add. Thanks for being here!

    13. Safetykats*

      That sounds like a really lovely birthday treat on a cold winter’s day. Also, I didn’t know the queen gets a half-birthday! I am going to have to lobby for that also.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        It’s not a half-one, just a random date in June that’s designated as the royal birthday.

          1. Bagpuss*

            I think it’s mostly because that way you can have parades and reviews of troops and mostly have good weather. I’d assumed it was just something the present queen did but apparently it’ been a thing since Edward VII, who moved it to June to take advantage of better weather. I seem to recall he was quite elderly when he came to the throne, maybe he didn’t like having to watch the trooping of the colour in the rain?

    17. Ramona Flowers*

      Thanks everyone. I forgot to mention what I’m doing tonight. I’m at a David Bowie tribute night (proceeds to the local children’s hospice).

    19. Almost Violet Millet*

      Congrats on nom-smoking! In my culture it is bad luck to wish happy birthday early so I am only going to say that I hope your day will turn out the way you want it.
      Also, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I really enjoy reading your comments. And your name’s cool, I’ve been meaning to say that for a while.

    20. Anono-me*

      Happy Birthday!

      I love January birthdays. They offset the winter blahs and due to the after Christmas sales, I get to give really great gifts.

    21. Former Employee*

      Happy Birthday!

      Congratulations on quitting. I’ve been a non-smoker for about/almost 25 years. I found that as soon as I started to think of myself as a non-smoker, everything fell into place.

  8. Foreign Octopus*

    I am so happy that The Good Place is back!

    The episode popped up on my Netflix and I just spent a really fun 20 minutes back in the Good Place. Ted Danson is fantastic and Kristen Bell is one of the most attractive women I’ve ever seen. I don’t know if it’s the lighting, or just her, but she seems to glow and is very distracting.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I’ve seen the movie but not the show. I’m not sure if it’s available on Spanish Netflix but I’m up for watching anything with her in it.

        2. Aealias*

          Veronica Mars is a very different character from Evelyn, but the show is an enjoyable teen mystery. The character has depth, makes poor choices and lives with the consequences. There are lots of characters I like, and some surprises in the plot. I can continue to care about the story line over a whole season, which is rare for my dreadful attention span. The first two seasons definitely do improve on the movie (although the movie WAS a solid piece of fan-service), but I personally didn’t make it through season 3.

      2. Almost Violet Miller*

        Veronica Mars is my favourite show! The film was also okay but not nearly as good as the first two seasons. (I am team Logan.) I also read the two books published a couple of years ago and, to my surprise, enjoyed them.
        Do you have a favourite episode or supporting role?

      3. Artemesia*

        There is something so satisfying about the afterlife being as screwed up as the US right now. It is as I have always imagined it.

    4. hermit crab*

      Ahhhh thank you for the reminder! I’m gonna go watch it now.

      Also, I read your Kristen Bell comment out loud to my husband, and he said “Are you sure it’s not you who posted that?”

    5. Call me St. Vincent*

      Omg I needed this show back in my life. It is really one of my favorite shows on television right now, if not my favorite.

    6. Book Lover*

      Kristen Bell just has an inner light, I think :). She has talked about her history of depression and I think she seems like an amazing human being.

      You know how there are people that you respect that you hope will never disappoint you? I feel like that about her. I hope she is as wonderful as she seems.

    7. Lily Evans*

      I adore Kristen Bell! I follow her on Instagram and she’s had this ongoing saga about this stray cat that kept showing up outside her house. Over the course of a few months she went from not being a huge fan of cats, to pretty much adopting the cat and its kittens. It’s been great.

    9. Aardvark*

      YES! The end of this week’s episode was so perfect and exactly what [character] deserved. It feels like on a lot of TV shows the writers think of a good and reasonably satisfying solution to a problem and call it a day. With The Good Place, it feels like the writers find three good solutions, choose the weirdest, turn it inside out, throw it in a pan, and fry it up with butter that tastes like a fully charged cell phone battery feels.

  9. Loopy*

    Lately, that thing we do not speak of is super stressful and super exhausting. So when I get home I just have no energy for normal life tasks. Then they get pushed to the weekend. Which makes weekends full of chores and errands and Idon’t feel like a break.

    Does anyone have any tricks for “rallying” themselves during the weekdays to get things like phone calls, small errands, etc. done so they don’t eat up a much needed weekend? I think now more than ever I need weekends to have downtime for things like reading and tea drinking. But this weekend I find myself with a big to-do list instead!

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      If you set reminders in your phone or calendar, don’t just put ‘pay gas bill’ or ‘buy llama food’ or whatever the task is. Add wording like ‘so I can have a lovely free weekend’ or ‘so I can read my book all day Sunday’ or whatever to remind you of why. And before and after you do the task, also spend some time thinking about your lovely free weekend and how you’ll spend it.

      3. WillyNilly*

        Outsource. Find a local laundromat with fluff-n-fold service. Grocery shop online & have it delivered, or consider a meal kit service (I love Hello Fresh but there are tons). If you can afford a robotic vacuum, get one. If you can afford a housecleaner ($60 a week easily buys 3-4 hours) hire one. Etc.

        1. Courageous cat*

          Outsourcing is (obviously) pretty expensive and not a reasonable solution for a lot of people, though. Like, I wish I was in a position to outsource.

          1. WillyNilly*

            I know its not an option for everyone, I didn’t mean to make anyone feel bad.
            I think sometimes though people advance in life slowly but steadily, or even just save for rainy days for so long, that they don’t realize that they now can afford stuff, or it is a [metaphorically] rainy day.

            I am not yet at robotic vacuum myself, or weekly cleaning service, or even all the time laundry service. But I am at a point where when I am drowning I can tap into these services for a short term and they really do lighten my load and help immensely.

        2. Weekend Naps*

          Agree! Sometimes when life is really stressful, it’s worth it to throw money at problems/tasks if you can. May not be feasible forever, but it helps in the short term. Also, depending on where you live you can have anything delivered.

        3. Clumsy Ninja*

          One thing I try to outsource as often as possible is the grocery shopping. Several chains in my area (Schnucks, Walmart, I think Dierbergs, etc.) will allow you to do your grocery shopping online and come in for free pickup as long as it’s over a certain minimum (which I never have to worry about hitting). I know home delivery is also available for a small fee, but I’ve never tried it. Really nice to spend ten minutes ordering online vs 30-45 minutes walking around the store (and being tempted!).

          1. Bigglesworth*

            I mentioned this last weekend, but an easy, cheap alternative to grocery shopping is Hungry Harvest. They’re slowly expanding, but are mostly located on the East Coast. I love their mission (reduce food waste), but I also love that they deliver fresh produce to my door and I don’t have to go out shopping. Their prices are comparable to Aldi (ex. HH eggs are $2.59. Aldi eggs are $2.29). I’m in law school right now, so I am all about saving time and energy.

        4. Loopy*

          I’ve had times where I was completely in line with this as long as it’s affordable. Sadly, for some reason I’m full up on things no one can do but me! Weird, but true. Things like getting a ring sized, making very specific financial decisions that I wouldn’t want to hire someone for, making doctor’s appointments.

          But I did just get Amazon prime so anything that can be ordered is getting ordered.

      4. Happy Daze*

        I love this idea! I am going to give it a try. Thanks Ramona Flowers and also – have a wonderful birthday.

    2. Rookie Biz Chick*

      Check out Apartment Therapy’s January Cure to see if that’s something you’d be into. Also, grocery shopping or small errands at lunchtime sometimes eases my weekend busyness.

      1. Loopy*

        I will look into that. Sadly I do not have the ability to do lunch time errands- I often don’t even get a break!

    3. Okay then*

      I set a lot of alarms in my phone but I also don’t let myself go home first if it’s something that needs to be done outside of the apartment like shopping. If I do go home first, then my brain is instantly in “it’s time for pajamas and snuggling with the cat” mode, so I have to do it all before then.

      1. Nicole*

        Similarly, I won’t let myself sit down or change into comfy clothing when I get home until I’ve completed all my tasks. Once my butt hits the couch it will be a much bigger struggle to do anything productive.

      2. Loopy*

        So true!!! I would love to do things on my way home but traffic makes it difficult. It just gets worse the longer I am out. And I have a pup at home waiting desperately for a walk!

      3. copy run start*

        I usually plan to hit the store after work at least 1 day each work. I prefer Fridays because the stores are quieter and I don’t feel stressed about eating dinner later (and thus going to bed later) if I spend a lot of time running errands.

    4. schnauzerfan*

      I make lists of “1. things I must do” and “2. things someone else could do” and “3. things that don’t need doing”

      I get the first done as soon as possible, hire a cleaning service, lawn service, snow removal people to deal with the second, (yes, very lucky to be able to afford to hire help, but if I’ll do without a concert or show to have someone else vacuum and clean the toilets) and I learn to ignore #3

      1. Loopy*

        I’m very bad at putting anything in category 3!! That one might take a while but is good advice :)

    5. OtterB*

      Doesn’t help with the errands, but for tasks at home, Unf*ck Your Habitat recommends what they call 20/10s (other places sometimes called the Pomodoro technique). Set an amount of time you will work, followed by a break time. Doesn’t have to be 20/10, could be 5/5 if you’re having a bad day. But it helps break the inertia of “I’m not going to finish so why start” to set a timer and say, now I’m going to do this stuff for 20 minutes and 20 minutes only, and then I’m going to take a break. Even one 15 or 20 minute stretch a weekday evening will cut down on what has to be done on the weekend.

      1. Loopy*

        I’ve tried the pomodoro method for work and didn’t like it but I wonder if it would be better suited to home stuff. I’ll revisit.

      2. Bacon Pancakes*

        This is a great idea for household chores! I totally use it for things like Cleaning the Bathroom or Vacuuming. I can vacuum about half our house in 20 so if I come back to it later and finish it, I can get the house vacummed twice a week. I find it terrible for daunting tasks like Organizing the Entire Back Bedroom Closet wherein we find no less than FIVE boxes that have been moved and never opened (the story of my life).

    6. Elizabeth West*

      I’m the same as you–Sunday is usually cleaning day, but then it seems like work and I don’t want to waste my weekend doing boring work. I do two things:

      –I NEVER do my weekly cleaning on Saturday. Not EVER. That’s my fun day. If people are coming over on the weekend, I split it between Thursday and Friday night. It doesn’t matter how dirty the house is; no chores allowed on Saturday!

      –While I’m cleaning or raking the stupid front yard (which I especially hate), I listen to old-timey radio mysteries or something funny, like BBC’s Cabin Pressure, so it’s not so boring and draggy. I only listen while cleaning to reward myself for actually doing it. Use whatever podcast you like for this. :D

      1. Loopy*

        I’m like this but my days are swapped. Sundays are my sacred days, especially the last two- four hours before bed. Everything must be done so I can relax and unwind.

    7. Not That Jane*

      Every Sunday, I make a list of tasks for the week (some are routine and daily / routine and weekly, while others are one-offs), then make a To-Do list broken down by days. That way I can say, on Monday I’m doing these X tasks, and (crucially) not worrying about the others for the week! Then I check them off as I get them done.

      I also break multi-step To-Dos into smaller tasks and spread them over multiple days. Example: I recently had to pick up prints from the studio portraits we had done, buy frames, frame and wrap them for Christmas. Each of those things happened on a different day: I picked them up on Tuesday, bought frames on Wednesday, etc. It really helped the task not feel overwhelming, and having a separate “phase” of the project written down on each daily list allowed me to relax about it. Like, I knew I wasn’t going to forget!

      1. Loopy*

        I started a monthly to-do list and perhaps sorting things into weeks would be a good next step!

          2. Bacon Pancakes*

            I keep hearing about these and find myself plannerless (cause i didn’t make time to order one before the new year)… I am going to check them out!

    8. Oregonian*

      This might be verboten where you are from (or, just not your style) but, if I’m having a day with zero motivation to do somewhat mindless tasks (cleaning, organizing stuff, making a non-complicated dinner, etc), I smoke a little sativa marijuana, and turn on some music. That’s usually enough to get me in gear.

      Granted, that’s not something to do on a daily basis! But, it can be just enough to make it seem fun to organize stuff or clean up around the house. Unless you are one of those weirdos who have write A quality term papers while high, I would also skip the tasks that require more thoughtfulness.

      The non-marijuana related tip I have is that in my planner I also keep a “things I accomplished today” list. I really like the soothingness of crossing things off a list, but some things don’t really need to be put on a to-do list. So, this list helps me feel like I’m being productive AND motivates me to keep adding to the list. When my anxiety/depression is really rough, this can be super helpful to write down things like “got dressed” and “went outside” – super basic things that help me avoid the mental trap of feeling like I’m worthless because I’m not accomplishing anything on my to do list.

    9. Nines*

      This! I’ve literally been meaning to ask this question on this forum for awhile now. But I’m too exhausted! Ha!
      But seriously, thank you for asking this! I’m excited to read the responses!

    10. Thlayli*

      Exercise always energises me. Maybe take up a sport or going to the gym or swimming or something one – two nights a week? It improves your sleep and physical and mental health. And then you have more energy the rest of the time.

      Also cool batch meals – not sure if u live alone but whenever I made dinner when I was in my own I used to cook a big meal and freeze in individual portions. So I’d always have food in the freezer for nights I couldn’t face cooking.

    11. INTP*

      It may not be possible depending on your schedule, but try doing chores in the morning. Not all of them necessarily, but 30 minutes of straightening up, or sit down with some coffee and look at your finances, whatever you have time for that doesn’t have to be done during business hours. (Then go to bed earlier to compensate, it’s not sustainable to just chip away at sleep.) I’m not a morning person by nature but I do find that I’m able to get the energy for stuff like doing my dishes or laundry more easily in the morning than after a tough workday.

  10. CoffeeLover*

    I’ve been struggling lately with a lot of negativity, which is a new concept for me. I’ve always been a pretty positive and self-loving person, but a somewhat recent move (8 months ago) to my husband’s home country has been really tough. I’ve lived in several different cities and countries in my life and have never struggled so much. To put it bluntly, I hate it here. The weather is absolutely horrible and I barely see the sun. I haven’t managed to meet people yet and I’ve heard it can be difficult to make friends here (this is the longest it’s ever taken me). I don’t even have someone I can text or meet for coffee. While this has been hard, the hardest part is how it’s affecting my overall mental state. I don’t know if it’s the lack of sun or the lack of human contact, but I’m in a really (for me anyway) dark place. I’ve been dealing with negativity spirals, irritability, and a total lack of resilience (everyday inconveniences have me forcing back tears.) I’m beating myself up for things I never would have in the past.

    I’m not sure what to do. Therapy is off the table for now (for cost reasons). On one hand, I want to try to keep an open mind with this place and to see the positives in it… on the other hand, I sometimes feel better focusing my negativity on the place (i.e., it’s not that I suck or my life sucks, it’s that this place sucks). I firmly believe that I can’t be happy here long-term, but for various life reasons I’m determined to stay for at least a couple more years. I basically want to hunker down and get through these years. What has helped you stay positive in your life? If you’ve dealt with a negative situation, what has helped you not let the situation affect other aspects of your mental health?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      There’s this saying in gestalt therapy that, to change, we must first accept what is. I wonder if, before you can start to feel okay in this place, you perhaps need to acknowledge how much it sucks and let yourself feel sad and upset and do a bit of grieving?

      I’m not sure it’s about negativity, exactly. Could it be about hope? Reminding yourself it’s not you and it’s not forever, it’s just this place right now, that sounds hopeful and important. And you don’t feel you can be happy there right now because you’re not.

      Is there any way of meeting other expats?

      1. Safetykats*

        I second Ramona’s advice about accepting the suckiness. My acupuncturist advised me a few years ago that life has seasons just like the year. Sometimes it’s spring and everything is growing and flowering and lovely; sometimes it’s winter and life seems dark and cold and what beauty there is seems stark and doesn’t hold much comfort. You live through it and learn from it, and remember that in life as in nature, spring follows winter.

        I found that to be true, and I trust you will too. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Eat well, and try to exercise. Get some fresh air if you can. Take up a new hobby, or rediscover an old one. Knitting is nice, as it’s portable and doesn’t take up much space, and fairly universal. If it’s possible and you feel up to it, think about a pet. A creature to care for, who loves you unconditionally, can be a big help.

        I also think that volunteering is a wonderful thing. It not only gets you out of your space, it can give you a connection, however small, with other people. Maybe other people who share your passions or concerns; maybe other people who need your help. Many volunteer opportunities don’t require a lot of language skills – walking shelter dogs or visiting at a nursing/care home, for example. Volunteering can be a lot of work though, so try to take care of yourself first.

        I hope this gets better for you. Please let us know how it goes.

    2. dr_silverware*

      For me it’s always been having spaces to leave it aside. Since it sounds like a lot of your struggles right now are centered in your home, that may be more difficult; I think it’s still doable. So going to a movie, where you don’t think about where you are. Or creating a sanctuary in your home that is peaceful, separate, and involves some kind of activity. Or nurturing your connections from outside the country; FaceTime or Skype or what have you where you talk with someone from your previous country and try to avoid dwelling on your misery.

      Also journalling helps me enormously. I find that when I’m sad or grindingly miserable, part of the bad feeling is that I’m running the sad thing through my mind over and over and over like I’m afraid I’ll forget it, and processing it through writing helps break that loop for me.

    3. Marthooh*

      I just started reading “Retrain Your Brain: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in 7 Weeks”, which looks (so far) like it might be helpful, if you don’t mind DIY-style therapy. I got the e-book in a Humble Bundle with some exercise manuals and cookbooks for one dollar – so at least the price is right. Google “Humble Bundle work it out” to see if it interests you.

    4. Foreign Octopus*

      I’ve struggled with this as well. First on my Erasmus where I think I spent the first six months just in tears because I didn’t understand the language, finding accommodation was difficult and expensive, and just not wanting to be there. Then again when I moved to other countries.

      The one thing I always do when I’m in a new city is act like a tourist. Go on tour buses, visit museums, churches, mosques, synagogues, whatever is the main tourist attraction in your city go and do it. When you’re there, ask the people who work there what they recommend to do and then repeat ad infinitum. Ask them about their favourite cafés or what they like to do in an evening. Do it all under the guise of a tourist and people are so, so willing to help you.

      Depending on the country (i.e. language barrier) it might be useful to Google book clubs or evening classes. If you’re in a non-English speaking country, consider taking in person group classes in the language because then you’re meeting other learners (and I guarantee that most of them will speak English to some degree) and you can generally suggest a coffee and people will do it.

    5. neverjaunty*

      The lack of sunlight is a real physical contributor to mood. Can you get a light therapy lamp to put on your desk?

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, the lack of sun would be a big thing for me, too. OP, how about some large doses of vit D. Not a magic cure all, but it might help things from looking so bleak.

    6. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I hated it here when I first moved here 9 years ago. Now I love it and we have a good life but I still feel not quite settled, not quite belonging. If my husband got an interview in my hometown I’d have the house packed before he returned. A university and hospital mean the area here is thriving and full of culture and newcomers but there’s also a subtle divide between locals and transplants. And this area has an extra layer of reserve that’s tough to break through. When I first moved here I met a local who had moved away and returned and even she had a tough time finding her place. It can take years, and in some towns they’ll never forget you’re new. My child was elementary school aged when we moved here and that helped a great deal. I volunteered in the classroom and joined the parent teacher organization. I also found groups and organizations to work and volunteer with.

      Like dr_silverware says, having a space to get away helps. When I first moved away from home I was so homesick. I’m from Target’s birthplace (Big store like Wal-Mart) and know all the store layouts. They’re the same all over the country and when I felt homesick I would go to Target and wander the aisles and pretend that when I walked out the doors I would be home. And yes, some days my most meaningful conversations would be the one I had with the person at the check-out counter.

      What do you need to have a good life there? Think about that and then go out and find those things or create them for yourself. Use social media to find other people looking for friends. If it’s hard for you, it’s hard for others. One place I moved to had a fantastic newcomer’s club with groups for every age and interest. Is there a college, university or big hospital nearby? They might have resources for transplants. Same for a real estate agency that specializes in relocations. I think I saw this idea here in another post: pick a restaurant and a time and announce you’ll be there on social media with a book about birds on the table and see who shows up. Ultimately, that’s the key: you just need to keep showing up. To different places and multiple times to the same place. Keep showing up and you’ll gradually make connections. Meanwhile you have something to do and a place to be.

      Can you get your vitamin D levels tested? You mentioned twice not seeing the sun so I suspect you’re low, or at least that you miss it. A few weeks of supplements and time under a good sun lamp might really help.

      A project could also help. Is there something you’ve always wanted to learn or try that could serve as a way to meet people? If you like to read you could start reading memoirs by people who are transplants like you. You could start a blog about being a transplant or about something where you are.

      1. Temperance*

        Are you in the Pacific Northwest? Booth is in love with the area, but I feel strongly about Philly and don’t want to get the “Seattle Freeze”.

        1. Yetanotherjennifer*

          Nope, I’m on the same coast as you, just much further north. But I’ve heard the same about Seattle.

      2. Bibliovore*

        yetanotherJennifer,
        You are right on the money. I am five years in as a transplant to Targets home town. I missed my grocery stores, my neighborhood pharmacy, my neighbors, my old colleagues etc something awful. I came here for my job and it is Mr. Bibliovore’s home town.
        He had family and friends (of 40 years) I had nobody. Even family after we were here for a few weeks “ghosted” People at work don’t need any new friends. This area is famous for people saying lets get together and it never happening.It feels that in the winter everyone is hibernating and in the summer they are “at the cabin”
        Also I am older and it seems that “meet ups” are in bars and much younger fold.
        I have made two real friends. One is a transplant herself, the other I met while doing volunteer work.
        I have gotten used to my neighbors being sidewalk friends not people who you “hang out” with or invite over when you have made too much hot dish.
        Sorry for the cliche. It does get better.
        Oh and yes, Lightbox and vitamin d made a huge difference in how I felt about things.

        1. Lady Alys*

          I am relocating to that general area soon and confess to being nervous about leaving good friends and family. Spouse is already there, working new job and loving it – I have no job lined up and worry about sitting alone in our new place surrounded by moving boxes.

        2. LizB*

          I’m a transplant to the same city (though I came for college, so that made the transition easier because most people around me were also new) and most of my actually good friends here are also transplants. It’s become a running joke that if I meet a new person who I actually click with, 8 times out of 10 I’ll then find out they’re not from here originally. There are definitely cultural barriers that are hard to break through. We should do an AAM meet up for folks in this area sometime — I am fairly young, but I’d be more into a coffee shop meetup than a bar meetup.

      3. King Friday XIII*

        Haha, that sounds like Portland. I’ve been here, oh, six and a half years and I still feel like people are expecting me to pack up and leave at any second. Seconding the social media recommendation – hyper-local (like neighborhood specific) groups have been pretty helpful for me, and we aren’t super religious but started going to the local Universalist Unitarian church for the social hour. XD

        The lack of sun was an issue for my wife when we moved here but she’s acclimated over time so it’s not quite so bad now, too.

    7. Sherm*

      That sounds brutal. Horrible weather/lack of sun plus trouble with human contact would affect just about ANYONE’s mood. Please try not to be harsh on yourself — I would be pretty darn negative, too! If you are in Scandinavia by chance, you’re definitely not the first to have trouble seeking companionship. Is there an expat community you can connect with?

    8. Former Employee*

      I’m sorry you are having to deal with this situation.

      Can you try online therapy? I’m not sure how much it costs, but it might be cheaper.

      Also, is there any place close by that is warmer/sunnier that you could go for a few days?

      Best of luck.

    9. Cor*

      Every day write out a couple of things you’re happy for a stick it in a jar (or you can use a notebook, but I’d rather not look back at what I wrote, so I use a jar I can empty). It seems like it wouldn’t make a difference, but the act of writing really helped my happiness levels.

      Also, try listening to Alpha wave music (search YouTube). It’s music designed to trigger your brain to produce happy alpha waves. Soooo calming!

      I found my one and only friend (so far, 18 months here) on a neighborhood page when she asked to meet others new to the area. There might be other people who are lonely like you, you just have to find them.

      1. Cor*

        For sun: a lightbox, 10,000 lux is what you need for it to be helpful to replace sun. 20-30 minutes per day. (So says the research)

  11. Jean (just Jean)*

    Question about changing habits: Do people think it is easier to facilitate change by encouraging oneself, or others–children, neighbors, prickly relatives, other sorts of challenging folks–to move towards a positive goal or away from a negative goal? (“Positive” and “negative” are defined by the person seeking the change.) I won’t add “colleagues” to this list because that word belongs to the Topic We Don’t Discuss on Weekends (“TWDDW” for all acronym enthusiasts).

    Contemporary parenting advice that I’ve managed to retain leans, I believe, towards the former: parents are encouraged to, say, encourage a toddler to transition from playtime to dinner time by framing it as preparing for the meal rather than as ending a currently pleasant activity.

    I asked this earlier in the week. To honor this site’s request to keep during-the-week comments focused on the letters, I have relocated my query to the weekend open thread.

    First world problems, by the way. While I type this, Scott Simon on “Weekend Edition” (public-radio news program from National Public Radio in the U.S.) is discussing with Peter Smerdon (sp?), of the World Food Program in East Africa, how that non-govermental organization does not have sufficient resources to continue to feed all who desperately need it. This is not a PSA (public service announcement, for any non-U.S. readers); just one more example of how this world is not yet fair for all inhabitants. How can we bring about positive change for others?

    I’ll check back later today to see what anyone else has responded…to either question.

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I think it depends on the person. Gretchen Rubin was onto something with her four tendencies, at least in theory (in practice everything she writes about questioners – the type that fits me – annoys me as she doesn’t really seem to get how we work). We all have different motivations. The way you facilitate change in me is to suggest it and then shut the hell up and let me get on with it in my own way. Which is why the dentist who said it was my choice whether to smoke was the one who inspired me to quit, and the ones who told me to quit didn’t.

      I’m not a parent but have worked with children and I don’t think this is a particularly comparison. If you’re a kiddo who’s upset about stopping playtime, it’s arguably more helpful to hear “you’re upset as it’s hard to stop playing, now we’re going to put the toys away and get ready for dinner” than have some adult try to act like you shouldn’t be upset about it. Because is the goal to cushion them from their feelings or help them learn to process them? Children don’t have a choice about many of the changes and transitions they have to go through.

      And colleagues and other types of adults? Well. Change is uncomfortable even when it’s positive. Most people don’t need encouragement to change so much as the removal of whatever is a) making the status quo worth keeping and b) preventing change being necessary or possible. So don’t try to get prickly relatives to change – rather, stop making it worthwhile to stay the same.

      I don’t know if this is even vaguely relevant to what you asked!

    3. fposte*

      I might be reframing your question slightly in terms of “positive” and “negative,” in that I don’t see “negative” as sad or disappointing so much but as loss or absence. IOW, more effective than “Not that” is “Not that but this.” It seems to be true in animals ranging from cats and dogs to human kids and adults that it’s usually easier to train a new habit than to train away from an old one. So “I won’t go to the vending machine in the afternoon” is harder than “I will go for a walk in the afternoon instead of going to the vending machine.” Cognitively, “I won’t buy anything this month” is harder than “I will add $100 to savings this month.”

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I agree. Just because we have decided not to do something does not automatically mean what we WILL do should fall into place. We do need to do some swapping, “I will get rid of Old Habit x and make Y my new goal.”

        I had tried for over a decade to lose weight with some success. The dam broke when my goal shifted from “looking better” to “feeling better”. I think my problem was that I did not place a high value on looking good, but I would not admit that to myself. Convoluted, yes. Mental clarity set in when I decided that I wanted to feel better and participate in life to the best of my ability. Like RF is saying, the doc never mentioned a weight problem to me. He just steered me towards foods that would give me energy and nourish my body. Then nature ran it’s course. The weight fell off and I was actually having a life again. (I did a lot of other things to help myself along in this process.)

    4. anon WFP*

      (Just interesting to see mention of Peter Smerdon after a long time — I worked with him years ago.)

    5. Jean (just Jean)*

      It’s late enough that everyone may not see this, but thank you RF, fposte, and NSNR. You’ve given me some useful topics to ponder.

  12. anon24*

    Yoga with Adrienne TRUE

    Who’s doing it? What do you think?

    I’m loving it. I have a pretty nasty stomach bug so I’m not really able to go “all out” but I’m still doing the videos and adapting the things my body won’t let me do. Can’t wait for week 2!

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      I have it bookmarked but I’ve been too lazy this week to start it.

      Is it difficult? What was your level of fitness before you started it? I’m about average weight for my height so I’ve never bothered with exercise and am quite sedentary. Can I jump straight in?

      1. anon24*

        Yes! Definitely recommend for a beginner! She makes her videos for people of all levels. When she does harder poses she will give options so the beginners can do one pose and more experienced people can do harder poses. It’s fun to see how your body changes and you become able to advance.

        I started her videos last fall because I was super out of shape. My only yoga experience before was Wii fit :) She’s great at making it easy for everyone, and she’s very good at making you not feel bad if you can’t get your body in the perfect pose. She’s always saying that you don’t have to be flexible to do yoga and you find what feels good for your body that day and don’t worry about the perfect shape, worry about what it feels like. Adrienne is so soothing and has such an awesome personality – when I put her videos on my cats usually snuggle up and sleep.

      2. The New Wanderer*

        I also recommend for beginners. Wanted to add, don’t worry if there’s a series of ‘easy’ moves and then a surprisingly difficult one thrown in. It is not an indication of your lack of fitness or that the sequence is too advanced, it is only an indication that some moves are more difficult for some people than others. For example, I have very tight hamstrings so I can barely bend forward during floor-based leg stretches, but I can easily do balance-based poses for minutes on end. My MIL finds balance poses to be very challenging but can still do the splits.

      3. Rookie Manager*

        I’m relatively fit in the swimming pool (before holidays) but not so much on land. I’m definitely a yoga beginner but find Adrienne really easy to engage with.

    2. KatieKate*

      I’m doing it! I’m aday behind and reallly need to go do yesterday’s so I can catch up with today’s. But I think it’s a great one for beginners because she’s really easing us into it. And so much Benji! (her dog.) Makes me smile.

    3. Bluebell*

      I’m doing it, and wanted to thank whoever suggested it here. Was that you, Anon24? I’m enjoying the Benji cameos and particularly liked yesterday’s session.

    4. Perpetua*

      I’m doing it and I’m really happy about it! It feels much more like an exercise in self-care and mindset than “just” yoga, and it’s just what I need at the moment. I haven’t been exercising for a long time now, and this seems like a great way to get back into the habit.

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      I just bookmarked it! Thanks for mentioning it. I do go to hot yoga with a friend but I admit I don’t go when she can’t. I should, I know. So this is a great alternative! (It’s also relevant because similar to Loopy upthread, I’m exhausted when I get home in the evenings and totally unmotivated, so if I do this before I put my jammies on, I’ll feel better about lounging the evening away!

    6. Triplestep*

      Thank you for posting this! I was looking for some online yoga videos, but so many of them are annoying or grating for various reasons. I am going to start this over the weekend and try to catch up!

    7. Tris Prior*

      I’m doing it! Mostly enjoying it so far; having to really fight the urge to beat myself up when I can’t do something, which is more about me than her as she keeps talking about how it’s OK not to be flexible and listening to what feels good for your body. I’m not new to yoga (though not an expert either) but STILL cannot hold a downward dog for any length of time – she’s great about giving accommodations for most of the poses but I wish she’d give an alternative for people who can’t do that pose without being in a lot of pain.

      I like how it’s so far been a mix of calming stretchy stuff, and stuff that requires strength.

    8. Rookie Manager*

      Yep! I’m doing it!

      I had to do two sessions today because last night after I got home from you know where I was too tired to move. I’m really enjoying it but my stomach muscles are aching! The first session went so quickly I couldn’t believe it.

    9. Rookie Manager*

      Sorry to take over the thread but just remembered a question I had… How do you set up your yoga space? Mirrors? Where do you show the video? Do you ever find yourself twisting round to see what you should be doing?

      I’ve got a tablet I use for the video but today discovered I can cast them onto the tv in the lounge. Giant tv in the lounge is very different feel to tablet and mirrors in the bedroom. Not sure what is best.

      1. SouthernLadybug*

        Right now, I use the baby’s room because I can close the door and there is space. It worked better than the middle of the living room with everyone around…..

        I play it on my laptop on the floor. Not the best always – I do have to sometime move out of a pose to check the screen. For now, it’s getting it done at all that’s my goal.

      2. anon24*

        I set up in my living room for now, but I’m hoping to move in a few months and make a dedicated space. I have a slider door to my balcony so I set my mat up in front of it for the sunshine. Put my laptop on the floor where I can reach it adjust the screen angle if I need it, and have my water and my yoga block (you don’t need one, but some poses I like to use it) within easy reach. It’s a pain to set up every time, but it works for now. When I’m learning a new pose I’m twisting a lot to look, but it doesn’t take long before I can just follow her voice and know what to do when.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I have a mat I got for Pilates, but I think it will work for me in the living room. I roll the mat up and it lives in a big basket with all my exercise stuff. Plus, if she’s on YouTube, I can watch through the Roku on the TV, so no need to fiddle with a laptop.

        2. Rookie Manager*

          That sounds beautiful. I picked up a yoga block but never sure when to use it.

          Elizabeth, I like the basket idea.

          1. Grace Carrow*

            The way I use it most is to sit on it for the seated poses – it’s magic the way it makes it so much easier to sit up straight in a relaxed way. Also think of it as a way to bring part of the floor closer to you, so if you are trying to get your hand to the floor, touch the block instead, either flat or on its end. And the third use for me is in child’s pose. If your butt doesn’t touch your heels then your back doesn’t get the message to relax, so put the block on your heels and let your butt touch the block instead.

          2. Elizabeth West*

            It’s so cool! I found a giant basket at the flea market. It’s literally a basket, with a handle, just huge. One of those basket hampers would work too, probably better, since you could put the lid on and hide stuff.

    10. SouthernLadybug*

      Me! I came to the thread today to thank whoever mentioned it during the open threads before the new year. I’ve been wanting to find some good online yoga since at this stage in my life reliably getting to a yoga studio just isn’t happening. I have a baby and a 4 year old, work full time, etc so it’s been hard to get anything consistent. I’ve made the first 5 days and am pretty proud of that!

      3. SouthernLadybug*

        Thanks :) I’m sure I won’t make the 30 days in 30 days….I figure I’ll end sometime in Feb or even March when it’s all done. But having a focus and a plan with someone whose videos I like is a nice step forward.

    11. super anon*

      I did the first day and wasn’t super into it, I prefer her Yoga for Weight Loss type videos where it combines yoga with more strength training type exercises. The first day had too much hippy style pep talk for me, but I’ll give it a shot with some other days to see how they go. If I can’t get into it I’ll probably try following along with the other 30 days of yoga series she’s done.

      1. SouthernLadybug*

        I’m out of shape, so this slow start is good for me. But I agree that for people that are fitter or already have a regular practice may need more advanced stuff. I had that thought when I started (basically that pre-pregnancy me wouldn’t have perhaps gotten as much out of it as I am now).

        So – when I am back into it, I’ll take a look the other videos. :)

    12. LizB*

      I did the first three days, but my back has been hurting for two weeks and the lovely RN on the nurse’s hotline said I should take it easy until I can see a doctor. :( Once I’m better I’ll jump back in. I like her teaching style a lot, and it’s nice to do shorter practices and really focus on a few elements.

  13. The Other Dawn*

    OMG do kids not play outside anymore??

    Family is visiting and my great nephew, who’s 9, is parked on my couch watching some really annoying videos. The older ones are still in bed, glue to their phones/electronics. We have a ton of snow and it’s so weird to me that they don’t want to be outside playing in it.

    I don’t have kids and don’t want them, so I don’t know if this is me being…me…or if it’s truly something that’s “not done” anymore by kids.

    2. ThatGirl*

      I think it depends on the kid and family. I am 36 and rarely went out just to play in the snow, though I would help shovel, or go sledding, or some specific activity. And some people see outdoor play as more of a warmer weather thing.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Plus, in many parts of the country it’s very cold. Being outside in 30 degree weather is way different than 5 degrees.

        1. Triplestep*

          Yep, it’s way too cold here in New England to go play in the snow. Even if that’s not the case where you are, this nine year-old might enjoy playing in the snow with other kids his own age. If he’s visiting from out of town, that may not be an option.

    3. Justme, The OG*

      I too hate playing in the snow but my kid loves it. Totally dependent on the kid and age.

    4. Enough*

      Sort of. I think part of the problem is there are fewer kids and the ages gaps are getting bigger. There are 16 grandchildren in my family with the first 5 in 3 yrs, then the next 5 in 14 months, next 4 in 3 yrs. So there were lots of opportunity for interaction. The same when I was a kid. Combine this with most of their day before dinner taken up with school/day care with almost constant structure they don’t know what to do with themselves.

    5. hermit crab*

      Isn’t it like a bajillion degrees below zero where you are today? Playing in the snow is no fun if you are frozen solid!

      To be fair, though, my favorite part of playing in the snow as a kid when you got to come indoors and drink hot chocolate, so that may be informing my opinion :)

    6. Amy S*

      I’m 42 and I would never have wanted to play in the snow (cold, wet, gross), so I don’t think this is an “anymore” issue. I’d have stayed in bed or on the couch with a book.

    8. Brand New Day*

      I can totally see the frustration. When I was younger, as the eldest cousin, I would always lead my younger cousins in play, chasing each other around the house or playing outside. We did a lot. Now I’m in my 20’s and my next youngest cousins are in their teens, we spend most of the gathering times chatting with our family. But the new generation of little cousins, three under the age of 11, spent most of the day on computer devices. Even when we did gift exchange, they only stopped when someone directly handed something to them and then went back to their electronics after opening the gift.

      My parents and I had a laugh driving home because even I was saying ‘What is it with kids these days?’.

    9. neverjaunty*

      As long as there have been kids who would rather stay inside and curl up with a book, there have been adults fussing at them to put that thing down and go play outside.

    10. Courtney*

      There’s no one answer here hat applied to all, or even most, kids. I don’t think there really ever has been – the stereotypes and trends people pay attention to just change. There will always be kids who want to play in the snow and kids who would rather stay inside. That second group gets a lot larger when it’s literally freezing outside. I doubt you feel like going for a walk or anything with the current temperature!

    11. Middle School Teacher*

      I can tell you that in the context of my job, it’s really hard to get kids to go out if they don’t want to. Our phys ed people are always horrified… “but kids should love recess! Go outside! Recess! Recess yaayyyyyyyyy!” And I totally get why they hide in the bathroom. It’s annoying but I get it.

      (Also: I never played outside, even when it was nice. My sister and I went to a dayhome as kids, and the deal I made with the lady who ran it was that I would go outside with the other kids but only if I could bring a book to read.)

      1. Temperance*

        I was an inside kid as a child, and books were what I would rather do than play outside. I’m not super fit, or coordinated, and gym class was torture as a kid.

        If kids are hiding in the bathroom … maybe there is a problem other than not wanting to run in circles or whatever gym teachers think is fun.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          It was partly because it was FREEZING here the last week of school. No one wanted to go out.

          TBH no one should be hiding anymore because our library is open every recess, so they can hang out there if they really don’t want to go out.

          1. Temperance*

            OH THAT IS AMAZING AND I LOVE THAT! When I was little and it was cold, they would just let us watch part of a movie for recess.

            1. Bibliovore*

              yes, I always kept my school library open during lunch and recess. It also got me out of lunch duty and drop off. Our kids had gym for running around and physed. Anyone who wanted to could come to the library as it was open access.

      2. Tris Prior*

        I was just thinking the other day about being forced to go outside for recess when it was freezing cold out. My friends and I found this corner of the building where we could just huddle together and shiver until they let us back inside. It was the worst.

        (I was also one of those kids that preferred to be reading rather than outside.)

        1. Courtney*

          Omgggg your user name. <333 I was also a kid that preferred reading, and now as an adult who still loves YA fiction your name makes me happy. Haha!

        2. Ramona Flowers*

          I used to love Wet Playtimes when it rained and we were allowed to stay indoors and colour, read and play with indoor games.

        3. Windchime*

          When I was a kid, we were made to go outside to play unless it was really cold (I think below 20 degrees Fahrenheit or something). That was back in the day when girls were not allowed to wear pants to school, but school would let us wear pants under our dresses when it got super cold. They would let us stay inside when it was raining, though.

          1. All Hail Queen Sally*

            OMG I remember those days (1960’s): piles of snow, a drafty school house built in the 1800’s, and we girls were only allowed to wear pants to school for the ride on the school bus. We had to remove them once we got to school. I had chapped legs every winter. Grrrrrr!

            1. only acting normal*

              Ooh flashback! I’d forgotten having chapped legs. I remember getting chilblains though. *shudder*
              It wasn’t til about age 15 that we successfully got the girls uniform changed to allow trousers.

      3. Muriel Heslop*

        So true. I teach middle school too, and it’s really impossible to get people to go outside or be active if they don’t want to be. And the middle school PE environment is exactly supportive and nurturing…I mean, it’s filled with middle schoolers.

        I’m hopeful if I can get my kids to enjoy moving as littles, that they will enjoy moving some as they grow older. Wish me luck!

      4. MissDissplaced*

        I remember as a kid we would get FORCED outside for recess even when it was 20 degrees out and -10 wind chill. We’d huddle against the school building or trees. It was horrible.

    12. nep*

      I’ve noticed over the past several years — nieces and nephews who used to be a lot more active (playing ball, riding bikes, other) spend a lot of time planted on a couch with their phones or other electronic devices. They still play some sports, though, and spend some time outside swimming and on their bikes in the nicer weather. Still, much more time in front of a screen these days.
      All that said — depends on the temperature. The toddler we take care of absolutely adores being out in the snow, but we’ve not been able to do so for a couple weeks because of the cold. It’s not fun — it’s even downright dangerous — when it’s this cold. Very much looking forward to nicer temps next week so we can get out there.

    13. Muriel Heslop*

      My kids are outside all the time. We have zero screen time during the week and they watch no TV except for weekends, and even then it is limited. My oldest just turned seven and he and my five year old play in the backyard unsupervised which is a game changer. It’s the childhood we know, so it’s what we are giving them.
      We are fortunate enough to live in a city with great parks and outdoor activities, a mild climate, and a small community of like-minded parents who will join us for “Denmark Day” (which is what we call the rare days when it’s in the 30s and 40s and we meet for a playdate.)

      Also: I hate annoying videos. My kids need to be able to entertain themselves without making me want to break their phones. Not that they have phones.

        1. Muriel Heslop*

          My sister in law is a pediatric occupational therapist and we have learned so much from her. I think it’s definitely given us happier kids (plus, they know everyone in the neighborhood because they are always outside.)

      2. Elizabeth West*

        We had no internet and very little on TV to watch when Saturday cartoons and weekday kid shows weren’t on, so we spent oodles of time outside. In the snow, too. I played in the woods a lot. We lived near a small river, and my sister and I liked to take our Barbies outside and take them “swimming” in side streams.

        Also, I just literally now found out that the river had an actual name besides just “Muddy Creek.”

    14. Anon for this*

      It’s true–for the most part, kids don’t play outside unsupervised anymore. The reasons for this are complex, but many parents restrict their kids much more than was common 20 or more years ago, due to various fears, some more valid than others (kidnapping, traffic, sexual abuse). Google “Free Range Kids” for much more on this topic.

      So, part of it is that they don’t want to play outside, but a much bigger part is that they aren’t allowed to play outside. And it’s pretty common these days for people to call the cops if they see unsupervised kids out and about.

      2. blackcat*

        A new family moved into my neighborhood. They called the cops on the “unsupervised” kids playing hockey in the street. There were 10-15 of them, youngest probably around 4 or 5.

        Relevant facts:
        1) There was a 14 year old and a couple of 12-13 year olds, so there were older kids who could handle minor emergencies/easily fetch/call adults.
        2) My neighborhood also has lots of retired people, so there are always adults home in case of an emergency.
        3) The kids were 100% not being destructive and did a good job moving out of the way of cars.
        4) Two of the kids are the children OF THE COP WHO LIVES ON THE STREET.

        The cops showed up and started asking where the kids who were “damaging property” and “running wild” were. They asked *the kids who the cops had been called on* because they thought that the band of respectful kids would tell them where the hooligans were. When the cops spoke to the woman who called the cops, they chewed her out for wasting their time. I think they were more pissed off when they realized that they had been called on the kids of one of their colleagues (my town is not that large, so we do not have all that many cops. I think they all know each other at least somewhat).

        New family now has no friends in the neighborhood. They got super defensive when people basically said, “Hey, this is how the neighborhood rolls, kids play in the street. That’s how we like it. If you tell kids to stay off your property, they will.” I also wonder if they would have called the cops if the kids playing were all white (they were roughly half white, half black). Maybe they looked at their house only when school was in session or something and/or didn’t talk to anyone in the neighborhood before buying. It was totally clear to me that this was the deal with the neighborhood before I bought (quickly, in a hot market), and it was a significant draw for me, even though my husband and I are childless.

    15. Lissa*

      I haaaaated going outside in any temperature pretty much, LOL. I always just wanted to read. My brother loved being outside though. My parents were always kicking me outside to “play” but it was never fun for me!

      I think people react worse to kids on electronics to kids reading, but I think it’s the same type of kid TBH, some just don’t like the type of kid play that happens outside. I pretty much hated all physical activity as a kid/young adult, only in the last year have I figured out things I like, which is usually solo activities while listening to podcasts.

      All kid games were nightmares to me. Tag, hide and seek etc., please no. I think this is one of the reasons I don’t want kids. I didn’t even like being a kid, why would I want to relive it?

    16. Relosa*

      I grew up in a cold state and while I liked playing outside int he snow, I didn’t like to do it multiple days in a row. It was mostly a weekend/snow-day kind of thing for me, or occasions when all the neighborhood kids were free at the same time. I hated the hassle of having to get dressed for recess because it was such a short amount of time outside.

      I definitely grew up in a “play outside all day” life and I genuinely liked it but I realize that was probably the benefit of growing up in a safe small suburb that was closer to agricultural communities rather than big cities. But that was all 20+ years ago.

    17. Valancy Snaith*

      I live in a town with a metric ton of kids and they are constantly outside. On playgrounds, in yards, on bikes, in parks, running, screaming, you name it. However, there are none outside this weekend because it’s literally -36C outside and it’s too cold for any of them to be out. Kids definitely still play outside, if the constant noise of kids from the playground on my block all summer long is anything to go by.

    18. paul*

      How cold is it and how good is their clothing for it?

      We got down to the low single digits/high negatives F over Christmas week (we FINALLY got above freezing again late this week) and we watched a ton of TV and movies. Did a little bit of driving and a very short hike (bald eagles and the biggest dang mule deer I can remember seeing!), but my kids gloves, shoes, and hats aren’t up to that type of cold for any real duration.

      Plus, hey, everyone has low-energy days.

    19. Sled dog mama*

      My kid is going stir crazy because it’s too cold for her to go out for any length of time (seriously considering the mall so she can run, and I hate going out when I don’t have to)
      It could just be your nephew.

    20. Someone else*

      As a kid I used to play outside all the time, but not in snow. I hated snow then and I hate snow now. I can’t say what’s the case with the kids you’re dealing with now, but it’s entirely possible their current activities are directly related to the current weather.

    21. copy run start*

      I stopped around 10 – 11, but I loved it when I was younger. It’s not much fun by yourself though.

    22. Maya Elena*

      Even though people who didn’t like the outdoors seem overrepresented here, I think the trend you observe is new and real. All the playgrounds in my neighborhood also rest empty all day, even in summer, except for one or two forlorn moms with toddlers.

      Electronics, a cultural shift away from unsupervised play, more structured after school activities, and a lack of neighbor kids in to play with (especially in urban areas) all add up to fewer kids playing outside.

    23. blackcat*

      My neighbors (4 kids, ages 7-16) have the MOST AWESOME snow fort/tunnel thing going on in their front yard. They gathered snow from the big plow piles. The structure is covered and quite complex (I believe the 16 year old, who is quite handy, was the engineer, LOL). It is awesome.

      But it is also so f-ing cold this weekend that I haven’t seen them in it much since Friday afternoon.

    24. The Other Dawn*

      Thanks, all! I needed a reality check. I don’t have kids, so wasn’t sure. And yes, it’s pretty dang cold here in New England, so I wasn’t thinking about that. It was more, “Look! We have a foot of freshly fallen snow! Go out and play and stop hibernating with electronics (so I can get stuff done and actually use my own living room)!” But, yeah, it was and still is absolutely freezing, so I get it.

      That said, in general, I see that the younger ones in the family tend to want to just hang out with the electronics and not get out and do, even when it’s really nice out. It just seems so strange to me, because when I was a kid (I’m 43) I was always outside. Basically, when the street lights came on, you went home.

    25. Student*

      Have you considered leading the way, instead of harrumphing about kids these days?

      Just tell the kids you are going outside to build a snow fort (or whatever floats your snow boat). Then go do it. Probably at least one will be curious and go out with you. Then the others will likely want in on the fun.

      If none of them join you, hey, you still got to build a snow fort.

    26. The Expendable Redshirt*

      What quality is the snow? Where I grew up, there were two types of snow. 1) Dry, powdery, good for nothing common snow and 2) sticky prime building snow. The second snow type was very rare, a true opportunity for adventure. Most often thought, The Outside was just cold and boring.

  14. Amelia*

    Any tips for staying upbeat and motivated? Living through the it doesn’t get above zero windchills and other January blues… I have a tiny studio apartment (yay grad school) and can’t really be outside.

    1. fposte*

      One answer you may not like–bundle the heck up and go for a short walk. Especially if the sun is out, this is a really useful reset. When I say “short,” I mean “short”–like 5 minutes around the block is better than sitting inside the whole day, and you really don’t have to have extra-special gear for that length of time.

      1. WellRed*

        Second this. I went for a 10 minute walk the other day in a blizzard. Today, it’s sunny and I spent about 45 minutes shoveling. It’s -2 but it felt great to get physical. (Plus, being active warms you right up).

        1. fposte*

          One problem with my fall is that I became really sedentary, for a variety of reasons. I can’t shovel, but I can go for a walk around one or two blocks, and wow, it has made a difference. Since our streets are in dire condition right now I stick to during the daytime, but if there’s no snow or ice I kind of like going at night (with reflectors on my clothes).

            1. fposte*

              I didn’t realize how that could be interpreted! I had a really intense and draining autumn, but I didn’t fall over in any literal way :-).

              2. Not So NewReader*

                fall= autumn, now I see. (palm to forehead)
                I am sorry you had(have?)that rough stuff going on. I hope things smooth out very quickly for you. Thanks for clarifying.

      2. Amelia*

        During the week I have a 3 mile total walk to and from work and class. So I do walk some. It’s just downtime (like this week’s snowday) and weekends. My walk is before the sun rises and after the sun sets in winter though, maybe I’ll start taking a quick walk on my lunch break.

    2. Triumphant Fox*

      My environment has a huge influence on how I feel. When I was doing my PhD, it was a warm weather climate, but I still focused a lot on making the one bedroom my husband and I shared bright and cheery. My walls were white, and I chose bright furniture, paintings and lots of lamps. It can really help in grad school to have a non grad school project on which to focused. Everything we had was thrifted, Craigslisted or made by me. If you’re not creative, organize, declutter, and find a few big prints online that are colorful and make you smile. It gives you a break but can make being home a haven instead of a sadness.

    3. Librolover*

      Oh No! I hate that! find a Project and do it, get distracted. Read. Do your nails. Cook and clean.
      Also make sure its not SAD or just depression in general. Go to your dr. Lexipro is awesome, and so is Zoloft.
      Also Idk, can you go to your library, or mall walking? or an indoor gym? out of the house, but still warm?
      Working out-even at home helps me when I get this way.

    4. nep*

      Agree re: getting out for a walk, no matter how brief.
      It’s been proven to me time and again — no problem seems quite as daunting after a walk outside.
      If it’s dangerously cold to be out for any length of time, bodyweight exercises, yoga, stretching, and deep breathing can do wonders.

    5. Gingerblue*

      Former grad student, current inhabitant of a tiny apartment here! I’ll preface this by saying that I’m an introvert and tend to like cozying up at home anyway, but here’s a gallimaufry of suggestions:

      Since you mention the apartment, can you do anything to make it feel less like a constriction and more like a positive place you want to be, if it’s making you restless? Rearrange the furniture, add an aromatherapy diffuser with an interesting scent or a new picture? I know both time and money are probably in short supply, but I always enjoyed at least daydreaming about how to furnish my places, even if I couldn’t totally follow up. Apartment Therapy’s “Small Cool” contest archives are a treasure trove of people making tiny spaces beautiful and comfy.

      I tend to lean hard into indoor activities I enjoy this time of year—knitting, computer games, cooking, etc. Eight hours of tv and knitting isn’t lazy, it’s making the most of the season!

      Music. Upbeat EDM got me through many a January and my dissertation.

      Have you tried changing the color temperature of the lightbulbs you use?

      I heavily second other people saying to get outdoors briefly even when it’s awful if you’re physically able. If you have a positive goal outside it’s easier to make a habit of. (I took up snowshoeing, and it was good for my mental health.)

      Can you change up your workspace? Does your school, for instance, have any communal work spaces which might be nice and sunny, or at least a change of scenery? A library carrel, a reading room, or so forth which you have access to but don’t normally use?

      Does your school have any things like gym facilities or other amenities which could get you out of the house for a change of pace?

      I’m always way more productive once the temperature hits 75, and I went to grad school in Michigan—great move, past me!—so you have my total sympathy.

    6. Anono-me*

      I find it helpful to spend time around plants. If your community has a conservatory or a garden shop with a greenhouse or even the plant section at Home Depot; try to spend some time there. Also, try to have some green at home. (Many people will share plant cuttings that can be started in water like spider plants.)

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I use this time of year to start spring cleaning. The wonderful thing about spring cleaning is I really have to move around. While I hate doing it, I always feel better for making myself move.

      Set a do-able goal. Work on the goal several times a week until you are done. Do this in a gentle manner- this can be by deciding how many hours today you will work on and letting yourself quit when the time is up. Another gentle way to move yourself along is to do small things that you have always wanted to do but would not take the time during the warmer months. I moved the paper towel holder in the bathroom. I have been looking at that and cussing at the location for a couple years now. With this cold weather and not too much else going on, I decided to move it. I feel like I moved Mt. Everest, but it’s just a paper towel holder that sat in the wrong place for years. It gave me a larger sense of accomplishment than any paper towel holder ever should.

      1. fretnone*

        This made me smile :) It’s the small things, right? The way we see the world is so much more than just the world.

    8. paul*

      Small indoor garden and maybe some nice posters (of whatever stuff you enjoy)?

      An indoors fountain?

      Any chance of hanging a birdfeeder off your windowsill? I did that last week, it’s been a blast. Right by my kitchen sink so I can laugh at sparrows being sparrows while I scrub dishes

    9. Ramona Flowers*

      Am I the only one who likes to just get under the covers and enjoy being really cosy and reading or watching TV?

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Not at all.

        I’ve been forcing myself to walk outside even when it’s cold, however–it’s the easiest way I know to fitness (and least costly). I was bummed about cold last winter and then realized I had all these skating clothes I could layer. We also eased into winter then, and I discovered I can handle it from about 25-30 F on up, if the wind isn’t blowing too much and it’s not raining or snowing.

        This year, it’s been difficult since we went straight from warm to polar and I had no chance to acclimate.
        ((( *_*)))

      2. paul*

        I love doing that, but I find if I do an all day under the covers thing more than maybe a couple-three times a month I start to feel really withdrawn and not good mentally. I know that isn’t universal, but even some of those of us that enjoy that in smaller doses can’t/shouldn’t do it too often :)

      3. All Hail Queen Sally*

        I like to nest in my recliner working on needlework while watching TV or reading. I get interrupted by the cats every once in a while–one wants to be petted (put down that book/needlework and pet me!!!) While the other wants to sit on my lap and nurse on the fleece blanket I’m snuggling under (she was bottle raised 9 years ago but still reverts to kittenhood every once in a while). It is too hot in summer to do this so I let them snuggle as much as they want while it is cold.

    10. HannahS*

      I’m an indoor person to begin with, but I try to use projects to keep me from melting into a couch-blob from Friday afternoon to Monday morning. I might spend a weekend afternoon cooking my meals for the week, and then watch a show and work on my knitting projects–basically, I try to spend time doing things in various areas of my apartment to avoid the couch-blob situation.

    12. Pathfinder Ryder*

      Over Christmas my cousin told me about the Fitness Marshall, a gentleman on Youtube who makes dance along “Cardio Concert” fitness videos. They’re pretty easy (though I admit we may be biased – my cousin was a ballerina until uni and I’ve also spent most of my life in dance lessons), with optional levelling up (eg. turning a step into a jump) for more of a workout. I’m trying to do one every weekday morning for a quick little mood booster before the thing we don’t talk about on weekends – maybe this might work for you? I also have a tiny studio apartment and had just enough room.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Oooo! Interesting!

      I’d support literacy and foreign language charities in poverty stricken areas. I think that if you have access to good quality books from an early age and you’re taught that reading is a worthwhile past time then you have an advantage later in life because you’re experiencing things through the fictional world before you encounter them in real-life. As for the promotion of foreign languages, I come from Britain where it’s not normal to be bilingual and I’d like to help change that.

      (Also, women’s health – probably support Planned Parenthood but on a global scale)

    2. ThatGirl*

      Mennonite Disaster Service, Heifer International, Posse Foundation, NAMI… all nonprofits I currently support.

    3. Ramona Flowers*

      Aside from the charity I work for, I would support the Maytree suicide respite centre (not least because their telephone listening service saved my life), the Rees Foundation for foster care leavers, Stand Alone which supports adults estranged from family members, a local animal rescue and a local hospice.

    4. Claire (Scotland)*

      Doctor Without Borders, Cancer Research UK, and Children First. Same ones I currently donate to monthly, just on a bigger scale.

    5. WellRed*

      Planned parenthood, local libraries, diabetes research and advocacy. I would love to create a foundation that gives insulin and supplies to those that can’t afford it.

    6. Puertorriqueña*

      Art museums, the humanities departments at universities, whatever programs are in place to supplement the loss of arts programs in schools. Also would support paying for mental health services for people who need it but can’t afford it, and no-kill shelters.

    7. Florida*

      Southern Poverty Law Center – they help identify hate groups, educate law enforcement about them, investigate them, etc.

      That’s the only national group I support. I also support my local library, a music camp I attended in high school/college, local foster care organizations, and local arts organizations.

      2. Eva*

        If the SPLC applied their own criteria to themselves, they would almost certainly qualify as a hate group. They also have named innocent people on their lists before, nearly ruining peoples lives.

      3. Mazzy*

        I’ve seen the SPLC being quick to label things as hate crimes using very weak and questionable criteria, and their own website says they don’t include organizations that promote hate and violence if it isn’t explicitly based on race or sexual orientation. Sorry, but it’s 2018, and I’m not about to forgive violence and hate because it’s aimed at everyone and not just specific people! Using that logic, what is to stop an actual hate group from just not publicizing its target?

        1. Former Employee*

          “…their own website says they don’t include organizations that promote hate and violence if it isn’t explicitly based on race or sexual orientation.” Huh?

          If you look at their website, SPLC works against hate groups whether it is based on hate towards ethnic groups or people of a certain sexual orientation or religion or even anti-government hate groups.

          The following is a quote from their website:

          “The Southern Poverty Law Center is dedicated to fighting hate and bigotry and to seeking justice for the most vulnerable members of our society. Using litigation, education, and other forms of advocacy, the SPLC works toward the day when the ideals of equal justice and equal opportunity will be a reality.”

          1. Mazzy*

            The contradict that on their own website, this is from the FAQ

            Why doesn’t the SPLC list —– as a hate group?

            The SPLC condemns violence in all its forms, including the violent acts of —– movements like —–. But the propensity for violence, though present in many hate groups, is not among the criteria for listing. Also, —– groups do not promote hatred based on race, religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation or gender identity (see criteria above).

            1. Mazzy*

              I don’t see how “we hate everyone” should disqualify from counting as a hate group, I think that logic of the SPLC is horrible.

              1. fposte*

                I think it’s because it’s an organization based in civil rights law; that definition of “hate group” is pretty much the same as the FBI’s, too. If it’s a problem equally for everyone, then it’s not disparately impacting people based on membership in a protected class. (I also think this gets to the discussion elsewhere in the thread that not every org is going to work for every cause.)

                But is there a group you think hates everybody in ways that don’t discriminate but are dangerous? I’m not thinking of a group like that offhand–the occasional individual, but by definition that’s not a group.

        2. Temperance*

          They have a specific mission to protect groups targeted by hate groups. No one, certainly not the SPLC, is asking you to “forgive violence and hate because it’s aimed at everyone”. They just choose to focus on certain activities.

          Your POV here is akin to claiming that Living Beyond Breast Cancer is trash because they don’t also raise funds for other types of cancer. No one is saying any cancer is good, the group is just choosing to focus on this type of cancer

    8. Kuododi*

      Definitely Make a Wish….the emotional benefits the kids receive from experiencing their wish will many times translate into real, verifiable physical well being. I have gone to local Make a Wish foundation get togethers with DH and being a small part of helping these wonderful children and their families is beyond words.

    9. Temperance*

      1.) NARAL Pro Choice America
      2.) Freedom from Religion Foundation
      3.) ACLU
      4.) child welfare charities
      5.) Human Rights First
      6.) Emily’s List
      7.) Girl Scouts of America
      8.) the Church of Satan
      9.) Girls Who Code
      10.) the Four Diamonds Fund

      2. Eva*

        The ACLU supports and defends Nazi’s, pedophiles and other abhorrent people. I’m surprised you are okay with that. I’m a Jewish person who isn’t white. They support people who want to hurt me and my community. Don’t know how anyone can be on board with that.

          1. Sarah M.*

            After hearing stories from my grandparents and other family members who survived the holocaust and were terrorized by the hate groups in the cities they lived in (Skokie where they wanted to march and Chicago where they eventually did) I cannot in good conscience support such an organization.

            The same organization defended the group whose members molested my cousin as a child and destroyed his life.

            1. Temperance*

              I really encourage you to look into this further rather than just taking your family’s opinion on the subject. The ACLU didn’t and doesn’t support hate groups terrorizing individual folks and they absolutely wouldn’t encourage child abuse.

              1. Sarah M.*

                I have studied this at college to the tune of two B.A.’s and an M.A. where my thesis was on Nazi policy and hatred against the Jewish people. I have worked for NGO’s, nonprofits and a UN envoy that deal with hates crimes and genocides. It was very terrifying for my relatives who survived the holocaust to have Nazi’s marching near where they lived. It was terrifying for the man who molested my cousin to post all over the internet that the contact between them was right and should be legal.

                1. fposte*

                  As I said below, I’m open to recommendations of other organizations that do similar work. Which ones would you recommend?

                2. Temperance*

                  I understand that it had to be scary for your family to be exposed to those marches, but I still stand firmly on the side of the Constitution and allowing free speech and public assembly, even for people with abhorrent views, like the Charlottesville marchers. I hate the Westboro Baptist Church, but I support their rights to protest.

                  I can’t comment on what happened to your cousin. That sounds awful.

        2. Pollygrammer*

          They “support” them as in they support their constitutional rights, because they support everyone’s constitutional rights.

          1. Eva*

            They also supported the Alt-right hate groups in Charlottesville. Did you support the Alt-right in their rally there or did you think there hate speech was awful. The ACLU supports hate speech and not just free speech.

              1. Eva*

                POC like me who are on the receiving end of hate speech don’t get the luxury of feeling the same way. It still hurts us even though it is one form of hate that is “allowed” and it not being illegal doesn’t change it. It is great that you have an organization you like and support. Not all of us get that luxury.

                1. fposte*

                  I’m open to recommendations of similar organizations that you find preferable; I want to support an organization that actively defends atheists, but not only atheists, when it comes to religious freedom, to give you an idea of what I’d be looking for.

            3. Gaia*

              I support the constitutional right of anyone, even with an abhorrent stance, to gather and protest peacefully. My support (and the support of the ACLU) ends when it becomes violent. If we start saying some speech isn’t allowed because we don’t agree with it, we risk our speech not being allowed when the people in power don’t agree with us (as is the case now, for me).

              1. fposte*

                Right. The ACLU has supported the rights of people who believe that I’m wrong and evil and shouldn’t be in the USA. And I’m okay with that, because their rights are also my rights.

        3. Temperance*

          I am completely okay with the fact that the ACLU defends unpopular causes and protects all of our rights. For me, it’s very simple. They defend the free speech rights of people that I find abhorrent, because we *all* deserve those rights. Once you start deciding who deserves protecting, you erode the very rights you should want to protect.

        4. Frankie Bergstein*

          The way I heard it explained once was that they would defend folks with abhorrent views, win, and then use those legal precedents to defend folks with other (non hate-based) views. However, after Charlottesville’s march earlier this year, the ACLU set to some real soul-searching.

        1. Temperance*

          They are doing some AMAZING stuff in the US with regards to pushing back on government-backed support of Christianity. They also do a lot of cool charity work.

          1. Wut?*

            It really is! They have gotten so much done with schools that were forcing Christianity (and other religions) into a public education setting, which I think is so important.

          2. Thlayli*

            I looked on their website out of interest and I couldn’t find anything about the work they do. Not saying it isn’t there, coz I only spent 5 mins on the website. But usually advocate groups have info on what they actually do with your money right there on page 1. All I could find on the church of Satan website when looking to see what they do with the money was “that’s up to us, if you want to know what we do with your money, don’t give us money.”

    10. NicoleK*

      I would support a charity that covers the cost of replacing driver’s license or state ID. This seems to be an issue that affects mainly the poor as they can’t afford to replace lost, missing, stolen, or a new ID due to change of address.

    11. Roseberriesmaybe*

      Homeless charities, especially the Fr Peter McVerry Trust. It is a big issue in my country…the priest I named has basically given his life’s work to supporting homeless young men (often with drug issues). He is practically a saint

    12. MsChanandlerBong*

      I think about this every day of my life. My husband and I would support the local zoo/botanic garden, the Philharmonic, the opera, local art programs for children, the Ronald McDonald House (local/state/national level), a local program that provides housing for people who need to stay close to a hospital while they are in medical treatment, the local natural history and science museums, the Met, the Metropolitan Opera, several art museums around the country (National Gallery, High Museum in Atlanta, Phoenix Museum of Art, etc.), Ripley’s Aquarium in Gatlinburg (best aquarium ever, has ruined all other aquariums for me), the local musical theater group, and Donors Choose projects as we saw fit. Assuming we invested the money wisely and had a bunch left when we died, we would divide our estate among the local Ronald McDonald House and a local arts program for disabled adults (my husband currently works there, and it is a great program).

    13. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I don’t know if it counts as a charity, but I would donate to the campaigns of female and/or POC progressive candidates. I would also like to set up some kind of service that assists people in getting to the polls or getting the required ID they need to vote or overcoming whatever other barriers they might have.

      I would also support local arts and education organizations.

    14. fposte*

      What an interesting question! I’d probably stick with my current donations–local food bank and Habitat, Doctors without Borders, UNICEF, ACLU, etc. But when you’re talking funds on that scale, I think it’s also time to see if there’s something that needs to be addressed that current foundations don’t tackle. One area I’d really like to see something develop is helping foster kids transition to independence; these are kids already fighting an uphill climb through no fault of their own, and they’re often on their own financially at 18 with little preparation. Needless to say, it often doesn’t go well for them.

      If I had the funds because I inherited them, I also would likely keep on with the work that mattered to the person I inherited it from; with money like that, you’re not just an owner but a steward.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Can’t believe I forgot about food banks – I would add the Trussell Trust to my list.

      2. Eva*

        Are you aware that the ACLU defends and supports pedophiles, white supermasict Nazi’s and other people with terrible beliefs? As someone who is Jewish and has been hurt by this type of people in the past I can’t imagine why anyone would support them.

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          People of goodwill can disagree. In fact, that’s one of the wonderful things about the U.S. (home to the ACLU aka American Civil Liberties Union, if anyone needs the acronym unpacked).

          I have to remind myself of this frequently because I have ferocious political opinions that I can’t always express around other people.

          For purposes of this discussion, I’m also Jewish and I’m a member of the ACLU (unless I’ve been temporarily cast out by my delay in membership renewal).

          1. Sarah M.*

            My grandparents and some other family survived the Holocaust. They lived in Illinois, in Chicago and Skokie where these Nazi groups both wanted to march eventually did. I grew up hearing the stories of how they were terrorized. The ACLU fought for and allowed that to happen. The only time I saw my grandfather cry was when he told me about this. I will never support the ACLU because of that.

            1. Temperance*

              Did you do any personal research on the subject, or did you just hear stories from your extended family?

              Your wording makes it seem like the ACLU supports hate groups as a policy. They absolutely do not. They support constitutional rights for all, which is not the same thing.

              1. Sarah M.*

                I have two B.A.’s in history and an M.A. for the same. My M.A. thesis was on the holocaust and hate groups and Nazi party policy. I have done work for NGO’s and the UN in the interest of preventing genocide and I work for a non-profit that supports victims of hate crimes.

                1. Temperance*

                  With your considerable experience, I’m genuinely surprised that you oppose the ACLU and their work.

          1. Gaia*

            Agreed. It is like the lawyers that defend terrorists. It has to be a horrible and hard job sometimes, but it is critically necessary. We cannot just support the rights of people we agree with – we must support the rights of everyone.

    15. Catarina*

      I have an invention I would fund, based on a local charity tragedy that happened when I was younger.

      One of our animal shelters had a fire, and many of the animals perished locked in their cages. I would develop cages that are linked to the fire system, and which would unlock as soon as fire is detected. It’s been over twenty years, and I still tear up thinking of those animals trapped in their little cages as fire burns around them.

      I would also buy animal-sized breathing masks for all fire departments.

      1. Grumpy*

        I think I know the one you mean. That was awful.
        I would give to smaller animal shelters and private groups that operate on shoestring budgets to help animals get forever homes or happily live out their lives.

    16. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      I’ve never had the money to donate to any charities so I’m not sure which ones are problematic and which ones aren’t, but I’d want to focus mainly on helping animals, on women’s health, and on health research (both curing diseases and patient access/the more social parts of health).

      I’d also probably start some kind of scholarship/grant fund to help students go to college and also maybe help underfunded university departments in certain subjects. A few years ago I heard about a cool-sounding program at some community college somewhere that had a really interesting sustainable energy program. I don’t know if that one is still around (and I don’t really remember enough about it to check; don’t even remember what part of the country it was in), but I’d love to fund curriculum development and equipment purchasing for something like that.

      1. Safetykats*

        If I had some real money to donate I would actually look for new opportunities. There are a lot of big, established charities that are doing great work, but working with our local United Way has helped me to realize that there are even more little organizations doing essential work – sometimes locally, but sometimes not – who could really use some help. My three favorite just now are an organization that helps homeless teens, one that provides classes in parenting skills for guardians of at-risk or developmentally challenged children (who can’t afford that type of help alone), and one that repairs and refurbishes donated bicycles and provides them to local refugee and other low income families.

    17. Muriel Heslop*

      Charities that support women and children who need to be able to support themselves. Heifer is one I support, plus lots of local charities that support teenage moms trying to finish high school, women trying to start over after abuse, the food bank.

      Recently, I read an article about Lenny Bruce’s daughter starting a recovery house for women leaving prison who need a fresh start and are in recovery. Her dad was an addict, she mentioned she was in recovery, and she wants to build more. A great cause, and much needed.

      I’ve always said if I won the lottery, I would use the money to start a foundation. With that foundation, I would start a residential high school for pregnant teens/teen mothers who need a safe and stable place to be educated and to live. Then, I would expand. Every time the Power Ball or Mega Millions gets big, I ask him to buy me some tickets for my foundation.

    18. Lcsa99*

      There is a small local charity called Special Strides that has made a big difference in the lives of my niece and nephew so I would definitely support them. Other than that, it’s so disconcerting that so many seemingly worthy charities are corrupt – I might be tempted to just start my own.

    19. Ann Furthermore*

      The first thing I’d do is go talk to the principal of my daughter’s school and ask her to add up the cost of all the projects, improvements, supplies, etc that she’d like to do for the school, and write her a check. Money has been so tight in the district for the last 10 years, which is shameful considering that we live in a pretty affluent county.

    20. Sled dog mama*

      The Ronald Mcdonald house that housed us when our daughter was in PICU, and Id start my own foundation to support women (and men, and those who are non-binary, but mainly those who aren’t white men) in science who interrupt their careers (ie publishing) to have children or care for family. This has been a dream of mine since a conversation I had with a professor as an undergraduate. We weren’t talking about what leads many women to drop out of grad school or struggle to get tenure or choose some other career path and this was the biggest thing, the pressure to publish so you could keep bringing in grants ment that many of her peers felt they had to choose between family and career.

    21. paul*

      I’d *really* out myself by naming the names because they’re local/regional, but there’s a list of about 4-5 local ones that do pretty good work working with various populations. They’re none of them perfect all the time (something I think people get hung up on with charities).

      There’s a DV shelter in the area that’d get a lot of cash.

      there’s another homeless shelter type agency–right now it focuses exclusively on women, but given how good they work and their practices I’d approach them about a similar thing for men as well–toss 7 figures at i(we don’t have an equivalent). They’re heavy into protracted case management with their clients; it means it’s a resource intensive process well beyond what the other shelters in town do, but it does undeniably get good results.

      There’s a new-ish free health care place that popped up in 2016 I’d heavily bankroll. They’ve got good partnerships as is, but they’re literally it for free health care and they’ve shown a hell of a lot of grit and inventiveness (I already donate to them but I’m…well, not rich so you’re talking 20 bucks sometimes).

      The local food bank recently launched an initiative to increase food availability to rural areas; I’d put money towards them generally and that program specifically. We’ve got north of 15 counties here that don’t actually have a consistent food pantry in the county.

      The local zoo would get a crapton of money, as would the botanical garden.

    22. Hele*

      For me it would be charities that provide support to military members and police officers (and their families as too).

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          Why not?

          I love that everyone named such a variety of charities. And I suspect many of the choices are down to personal experience. I know many of my employer’s supporters have extremely personal reasons for choosing us.

          1. fposte*

            Yes, I didn’t mention some of the very localized places I’ve donated to, some of them because they meant a lot to my family.

        2. Gaia*

          Because it is important to Hele and, I imagine, Hele views both the military and the police as providing a societal need while doing dangerous work that all too often results in them being killed on the job or with life long mental and physical injuries.

    23. Mazzy*

      Anything animal rights or environmental. I can’t believe PETA has to police people keeping dogs outside in this sort of weather.

    24. pandq*

      I support Equal Justice Initiative for their brave work against capital punishment and the other projects they have going on. There is a museum called The Legacy Museum that is opening soon in Alabama.

    25. Elizabeth West*

      Definitely Planned Parenthood. They were my only source of healthcare when I lived in Santa Cruz. They kept me in BC pills so I could work. Without them, I would have not been able to for three or four days a month.

      There’s one here called Care to Learn that funds immediate needs for schoolchildren, without them having to enter into a huge bureaucratic process. It goes through the school because teachers are often the first outside adults to notice a kid is coming to school with no coat or doesn’t have a toothbrush, etc. It started locally, founded by Brad Pitt’s brother Doug (this is their hometown), but now it’s statewide. I’d love to see it go national.

      Also, I’d love to see allotments be more of a thing in cities here. My cousin in London has one and it’s brilliant. I know a bunch of places have community gardens, but not nearly enough, and I want to put them in food deserts. With greenhouses for in winter. And have special rates or concessions if you couldn’t pay a yearly fee because you were on benefits.

      I’d go around pushing money for extension of public transit, too, if I were a zillionaire. Think of me as a benevolent dictator, LOL.

    27. call me Katie*

      My main charity would be one called Justice for All. It is an organized dedicated to reforming the justice system to make the world a safer place. I would also look into other organizations that support reforming the justice system and advocating for victims of crimes and them having more of a voice.

    28. Hobgoblin*

      Neat question! My list would be:
      – Remote Area Medical (they run medical clinics in Virginia/Tennessee and other impoverished areas and provide free medical care to the uninsured and underinsured)
      – Girl Scouts
      – my local food bank
      – org that hands a check to the families of law enforcement officers killed in the line of duty (this does exist but the name is really region-specific)
      – my animal shelter
      – my local library (I’d totally ask how much it would take to make them rename it after me!)

      My husband and I were actually talking about this today. He said the Powerball was some huge amount so he plans to buy tickets (because it’s not worth it if it’s “low”??) and we were picking the charities we’d support. Such a fun conversation!

    29. Tuna Casserole*

      If I had the money, I’d finance a men’s shelter; the nearest one is over 100 miles away.

    30. super anon*

      I would donate a significant amount of money to my alma mater to set up scholarships and bursaries in my name for areas where they are funding gaps (and if I had enough money see if I could donate enough to get a building or significant campus feature named after me). I would support my local aquarium, as well as the local small animal rescue group.

    31. JamieS*

      Too late for me to think of the names of charities but I support the decriminalization of drugs, legalization of prostitution (NOT human trafficking), access to clean water and sanitization, and helping people get jobs (teaching job skills, interviewing help, providing work clothes, etc). I also think a lack of paternal involvement is a root cause for a lot of societal problems so I’d want to figure out the main causes of men not being in their children’s lives (current opinion is men being imprisoned for drug related crimes is a major factor) and from there work to address those issues to reduce single motherhood.

    32. Thlayli*

      I would set up my own charity with one single goal – to give contraception to anyone who wants it. Aiming particularly at the poorest of the poor – like women living in IDP camps who have to go outside to get firewood and risk being raped every time they step outside the camp.

    33. Gaia*

      I think about this. Like, a lot. I would buy a ton of land in some very rural place. I would build lots of tiny houses on it with small individual yards. I would work with nationwide foster and rescue animal groups that specifically help animals in kill shelters and rescue animals from areas with natural disasters. I would offer these tiny houses to people who are housing insecure or homeless, at no cost, under the condition that they care for the animals I would offer to be housed on my land. The animals would be safe, loved and cared for and the people would have a safe, warm place to call home.

      1. Gaia*

        And when this pipe dream turns out to be not feasible….I would give a lot of money to ACLU, Planned Parenthood (who provided my only healthcare for many years at no cost because I didn’t even have $5 to spare), Give Back Packs (a local initiative started by one man on a whim trying to help one homeless man which has turned into hand out thousands of backpacks to homeless people in a single town…including one to my own sister), the local Crisis Nursery (which allows parents to drop off their children no questions asked if they are concerned they may hurt the child), every no kill animal shelter and foster organization I could, HOPE schools, Gift of Hearing Foundation, and a few local food pantries and shelters.

    34. FD*

      I can’t name exact names without outing myself too much, but there are a few I would want to help. First, there’s a local food bank that does an excellent job of helping people in our region. They do an amazing job of using a combination of donations, purchases, and reclaimed food (e.g. grocery stores will give them food that’s perfectly good and safe but won’t be sold because it’s past the ‘sell by’ date) to make funds they get go a long way.

      Second, there’s a local art museum with a great collection that you can see for free. I’ve spent a lot of time there and I think it’s great that anyone who wants to can view the works there. I also respect that they try to keep a diverse collection on display of both historic and modern works.

      Third, I would like there to be more non-religious health and human services organizations in my regions specifically. If you need emergency aid around here, there’s really only some Christian organizations. Many of them do fine work, but there are plenty of people either wouldn’t be comfortable reaching out, might be rejected, or wouldn’t know about them.

    35. Amadeo*

      Everyday people in my community, I think. A coworker with preemies whose birth and long hospital stay are going to make things very tight. Somebody whose car broke down and needs it fixed or replaced. Somebody else with a vet bill or unexpected expense. Those sorts of things. I feel like when donating to national organizations the people that I see around me that need it most don’t get it and I’d rather quietly pay a bill for someone that needs it and won’t get help otherwise.

    36. Elizabeth H.*

      The Fistula Foundation
      SPIN Stray Pets in Need – local (Boston suburbs) all-volunteer animal care group
      American Friends Service Committee
      NYT Neediest Cases fund
      Pine Street Inn (Boston homeless shelter) and other local shelters.
      I would also make arts donations eg to concert series, museums, public radio, local arts organizations.

  16. LibbyG*

    Piano lessons. Our kids are 6 and 3, and we would like to start them on piano lessons (maybe just the older one for now). I’d love to hear some from people who took lessons as kids. Did you want to? Were you glad you had them? Other thoughts?

    2. Butterfingers*

      I was sent to piano lessons aged 6, and made to keep taking them until I was 11. I hated them, I had NO musical talent or interest, and I resented every minute I was forced to spend there. I think my parents just liked the image of having kids taking music lessons, instead of listening to us about what we wanted to do.

      It put me off music for life. :(

      1. Caro in the UK*

        Me too :( My mother forced me to go because, and she admitted this right from the start, she really wished she’d taken piano lessons as a child and wasn’t going to let me make the same mistake. I hated it. It dreaded my lesson every week and begged to stop going.

        Eventually my mother relented when I was 12 and allowed me to quit, but only if I went and told the teacher myself why I no longer wanted to take the lessons, because she thought I might chicken out if I had to have the awkward conversation.

        Obviously not every kid will hate the lessons as much as this! But I’d definitely discuss this with your kids first, because they will almost certainly have some opinion on it. They might absolutely LOVE it. They might want lessons, but for a different instrument. Or they might not want to go at all. Listen to what they say and take it from there.

      2. Sylvan*

        +1, basically, although I definitely appreciate the opportunity! The time spent in lessons or practicing could have been used for interests I would actually pursue later.

      3. Optimistic Prime*

        My mother tried to make me go and I fussed. We really couldn’t afford them anyway, so I won, but I really didn’t want to take piano. She did triumph a few years later when I had to pick an instrument and she made me pick the flute because she loved it and always wanted to play it. I resented it at first, and while I did grow up to love playing music and music in general, I’d always wished I’d had my choice (which was saxophone or trumpet).

    3. neverjaunty*

      Why piano in particular?

      I would have like lessons a lot better if they were more interesting and I’d been allowed to choose them, instead of it being treated like something You Should Do because It Is Good For You.

        1. copy run start*

          To add: my parents signed me up for piano, but in 5th grade we had a presentation for the school orchestra and band and we all got to learn about different instruments and sign up to take either orchestra or band through school. I was much better at violin than piano because I wanted to play it.

    4. Librarian from Space*

      I started at 5 and mostly loved it – sometimes practicing was hard or boring, but I kept at it and it has brought me lifelong joy and good habits. At 39, I still play nearly every day, and I’m starting to show my 3 year old the basics. I say at least give it a try with the 6 year old!

      1. Kuododi*

        My beautiful niece was six years old when DH and I moved to where the family is currently living. She begged me to give her piano lessons pretty much as soon as we got the boxes unpacked. (Of course she didn’t have to put much energy in her begging!!!! ;). I have amazing memories of snuggling with her on the piano bench while we had our lessons!!! Sadly her side of the family moved out west about two years later putting a massive cramp in our quality time. :(

    5. BunnyWatsonToo*

      I always wanted to , but didn’t start until age 10. Quit after 5 or 6 years because I wasn’t ever going to be as good at it as I wanted to be. A few years ago, I bought a fairly inexpensive keyboard and started reteaching myself. Still not very good but I’m glad I took lessons as a kid.

    6. Kuododi*

      I started at age 4. Apparently at that time teachers wouldn’t take students too young to read and Mom had to really hunt to find a teacher who believed that a 4year old could read. Long story short… I loved piano and studied for funsies all through graduate school. I got to the point I was playing semi-professionally in the community. NBD…just helped make extra cash during the lean college/grad school days. I also found my aptitude for piano allowed me flexibility to pick up other instruments during highschool and college. I also played flute, marched on drum line playing xylophone, and taught myself clarinet. Unfortunately arthritis and carpal tunnel have made piano an impossibility these days. Id encourage you to just make music a fun experience….no pressure for the kids. Enjoy!!!

    7. zyx*

      Despite having hated her own piano lessons as a child, my mother decided to get her kids lessons because she was so grateful as an adult that she knew how to play. So my sister and I both were both “forced” to take piano lessons. I loved them! I started when I was 7, and knowing how to read music was a huge advantage when I joined choirs or wanted to play other instruments.

      As a moody teenager, I often parked myself at the piano to play my assigned pieces as loudly and quickly as I could (and transposed to a minor key). My mom once told me that hearing me pound at the piano was her signal to give me space. :)

      I am thankful that I had low-pressure piano lessons. Though I will never be a concert pianist, they helped me discover a lifelong love of music. I still find playing a keyboard (or guitar) to be an important emotional release.

    8. Florida*

      Music lessons are so important. Sign your child up today!! Make the child continue for one year. (You can change teachers if they hate their teacher, but stick to the lessons). After one year, re-evaluate it. Give them a choice between piano or strings (those are sort of the only choices for that age. They don’t have the lung power for anything that requires air.)

      I took piano lessons as a kid. Participated in school and non-school music activities all through my entire education including college (music major). It is so cool to listen to music and have a deep understanding of what is happening, rather than just being able to hum the melody. I am forever grateful that I took piano lessons (piano is not my primary instrument). I only took about two years in elementary school and one in high school. I wish I had taken more. (I took lessons on my primary instrument from sixth grade through college.) I quit piano lessons when I changed instruments. So I was taking some sort of music lessons from about ages 8-22.

      Music lessons teach discipline. In sports, you have practices that you have to participate in, but going to a team practice at a scheduled time is different than practicing on your own every day. It’s the difference between attending class and sitting down and studying for a test. I currently teach adults (not music) and many students can show up to class, but they cannot for the life of them sit down for an hour and study for a test (even though their career depends on them passing!). Learning how to practice is a skill that is transferable. You have diagnose the problem, figure out how to get better at it, do enough repetitions to solidify it, etc. Music lessons taught me the level of meticulous hard work it takes to be successful. This is a trait that transfers to any field regardless of whether you child grows up to be a musician or not.

      I recommend that you find a teacher that seeks a balance between learning music that the kid wants to play and learning music they should learn. If the kid wants to learn the latest pop tunes, the teacher should be able to incorporate that into the lessons. But you don’t want a teacher who thinks that the kid gets to pick all the music. Pop tunes are the equivalent of beach novels. Fun to read, but you want the teacher to teach Shakespeare too.
      Also, be sure the teacher uses sheet music. Most piano teachers do, but if you go with Suzuki strings, the kid may or may not really learn to read music well.

      I think with music lessons (and most activities in life) whether you like it or not depends on your teacher. You absolutely have to find a good teacher. (This is true no matter what activity you put your kids in.) A bad teacher will ruin the best activity on the planet.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        “Pop tunes are the equivalent of beach novels. Fun to read, but you want the teacher to teach Shakespeare too.”

        You’re kidding? Plenty of popular music requires skill to play. I am a pianist, albeit a rusty one, and have plenty of complex pop songs in my repertoire.

        I found Tori Amos harder to learn than Gershwin, for example.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          PS Speaking of which, as a teenager I used to enjoy going into piano shops with my bright red or pink hair, eyeliner, facial piercings and stompy boots (back when this kind of look was taken to mean that you were a drug addict or some kind of troublemaker), skulking about a bit, sitting down at a nice Steinway or whatever. Bonus if the staff started hovering really nearby.

          And then I’d launch into Rhapsody in Blue, or a really thoughtful rendition of Moonlight Sonata (which may appear simple to play but is hard to play well) or this really great Fanny Mendelssohn piece I forget the name of.

          1. Rookie Manager*

            I loved playing sonitinas, The Entertainer (Felix), blues, old and modern pop songs, ‘Easy to play musicals’ that I could sing along with. You learn much more if you can play different styles and see the differences and similarities between them.

      2. Rookie Manager*

        As well as what Ramona said, of course young children can play wind instruments. My 2yo nephew can make a note out a trumpet, there is a very cute photo of my grandad helping me play trombone when I was 3 or 4 and I started proper brass lessons age 6.

        Some wind instruments are incredibly easy to play, my mum taught me recorder age 4 &5, the music book was colour coded for different notes so my toddler sister played along on a xylophone from the same company by reading the colours and recognising the rhythm.

    9. Triplestep*

      I had lessons as a child (teacher came to our house) and I liked them. I don’t know why I quit – it may have been because money got tight when my parents divorced when I was ten. We moved and the piano moved with us, but the lessons stopped.

      My kids both had music lessons; the one who was less musical just drifted away from his drum lessons. The one who is more musical kept it up and still plays violin/fiddle and sometimes piano. She asked to play the violin at age 3, and I enrolled her in Suzuki classes.

      The teacher she had as a pre-teen/young teen was not a good match. I was star-struck by his accomplishments and the fact that he had auditioned her at age 10 before taking her as a student. He was a nice guy and well-meaning teacher, but not for her. She wanted to quit. With her natural ability, this would have been such a shame, so we found better teachers from then on. That would be my advice if these lessons reveal that your kids enjoy playing – make sure this teacher AND subsequent teachers are good matches. Don’t stay with one too long if the relationship doesn’t grow with your child.

      1. Sled dog mama*

        Yes!!! I loved playing piano but I really didn’t like my teacher (she’s my Mom’s best friend) I’m still sorry I didn’t enjoy the lessons more that would have kept me going.

        It depends on your kid OP. Some kids are talented and will love it, some are not talented and will still love the challenge, some will hate it no matter what. Set out your expectations to the kid at first (ie we’re going to try this for a semester because you won’t know if you enjoy it after one lesson) find a teacher who loves to teach and makes the lessons fun (just because the person can play does not mean they can teach) most importantly if your kid says they want to quit figure out if it’s an issue you can fix (not the right instrument/instructor/expectations) but if it’s just that they aren’t interested in music or it’s not a fixable issue let them quit.

    11. Mephyle*

      I started piano lessons at about 7. It wasn’t always fun, (I had to be pushed to practice for a long time) but I am so glad I did it because knowing the formal systems and notation of music is like knowing another language, besides facilitating your entry into the world of music. It stays with you all your life and informs a lot of other things you learn.
      I’m glad I took piano, because unlike many other instruments, I learned from the start to read both clefs and to play and understand multiple notes at once. But if a child leans towards another instrument, they’ll of course be more motivated if they are learning the instrument they’re drawn to.
      I spent many years of my childhood and youth participating in choirs, and knowing piano helped with reading choral music (and vice versa).

      1. Mephyle*

        As AliceBC writes below:
        I did like playing but I did not like practicing when I was younger, and my mom had to make me do it in elementary school. So even if the child likes it you might still have to enforce practicing. When I got older practicing was part of my morning routine and it was easier.
        Me too. Exactly.
        You have to find the balance between not forcing them into something they totally hate, vs. not letting them choose the easy road of quitting and never exercising their ‘stick-to-it’ willpower muscles. Or only doing it as long as it’s a song-and-dance-and-ponies-and-rainbows show, but when it gets to technical exercises and pieces that don’t spark enthusiasm, they’re allowed to flag, because it’s not ‘fun’, so what child should be expected to stick with something that’s not fun?
        Studying music can be a good life lesson in sticking with something that is satisfying because of the skills and abilities learned, which can be practised with enjoyment, even when there is little joy in practicing. As with other arts, or with many sports.

    12. Sherm*

      My mom had pressured me to take lessons for some time. I resisted, but one day she played just a little ditty in front of me, and I was hooked! I suddenly wanted lessons. This was the end of first grade, and I continued with lessons — and practice, literal homework, tests, and recitals — all the way to the end of my senior year in high school.

      Now that I think about it, I wonder if my previous mindset was “Mom, if piano is so great, why aren’t YOU doing it?” Perhaps play the piano in front of them to whip up some enthusiasm, even just tinker with some scales if you don’t know how to play. I think it’s important not to force them. Maybe it’s not meant to be. Maybe they just need time. I am glad I took lessons in a pretty rigorous program. It has helped me for life. But I think things would have turned out very differently had my mom not waited and made me go.

    13. AliceBD*

      I did piano lessons from 1st grade through the first half of 12th grade. I played viola (mostly in school orchestra, but some lessons) from 8th grade through the first two years of college.

      I am so grateful to have had lessons! I wish I had had a different piano teacher after elementary school — my next door neighbor was a teacher and she was fine for me as a little kid (especially because I got to go there all by myself, which was very exciting at age 6) but I didn’t learn anything new all of middle school/maybe some of late elementary school. I thought I couldn’t change teachers because she was our neighbor, but my mom switched me to a much, much better teacher.

      I don’t play much now but it is very useful to have a good solid background in music. I can read music, I know things about music and can have an informed conversation on it, etc.

      I did like playing but I did not like practicing when I was younger, and my mom had to make me do it in elementary school. So even if the child likes it you might still have to enforce practicing. When I got older practicing was part of my morning routine and it was easier.

    14. Yetanotherjennifer*

      The piano was my first instrument and it’s the instrument I “think” in. If there’s a difficult phrasing in a piece I’m learning I’ll take it to the piano to get the notes and rhythm in my ear. If music lessons are going to be a given in your family, it’s a great way to get started and develop an ear for intonation. They’ll learn two popular keys and be able to easily move to another instrument later if they want. I took lessons for about 3 years and my mom had to nag me to practice every time. In 5th grade I switched to the clarinet and then in 7th I switched to the violin and have been playing that ever since. I’m glad for the grounding that piano lessons gave me but I’ve never been one to practice and rarely do even now. I play in a group and the music is challenging but easy enough that I don’t need to practice. My daughter took piano lessons for about a year and a half and she practiced pretty willingly, but it was getting to be more and more a struggle so I let her quit. Because of my years of being nagged, it was important to me that she want to spend her time on it. She plays the trombone now, loves it and manages her own practicing.

      1. Rookie Manager*

        I have a fairly good talent for sight reading the different instruments I’ve played over the years. I worked out as a kid that if I played the music badly the first time I was given a piece of music then played it much better the following lesson my teacher would think I had practiced hard. This is not something I would recommend though!

    15. Catarina*

      I took lessons with a horrible teacher in the local mall. He was an idiot who did things like make me stop and start over when I hit a wrong note. I cannot urge you enough to choose an actual, legitimate teacher who bases their program on music theory and learning, rather than on muscle memory. You’re not trying to train a monkey, you’re trying to teach a child.

      I shoould have been taught about major and minor keys, tonic chords, and the like. Instead I was being taught nonsense like “every other white note usually sounds good together”. I wanted to learn how to vamp and how to jump into a music circle, not how to mindlessly crank out the current pop hits.

    16. Wendy Darling*

      I took piano lessons for a few years as a kid (I think 8-10) and recently resumed doing it as an adult.

      I liked it okay as a kid but my teacher was… terrible, TBH. She didn’t teach me almost anything, she just gave me books and told me to read/play certain pages. If I wasn’t good enough after a week she just told me to keep practicing it but gave me basically no feedback.

      I did want to take piano lessons. I switched to a different instrument after 2-3 years, and another different instrument 2-3 years after that, and then stopped playing anything until recently. I kind of regret that my parents didn’t make me pick something and stick with it, because if I’d stuck with one instrument for 6-8 years I would have been really good, as opposed to being mediocre to lousy at three instruments. But HAVING SAID THAT I’m not sure if I would have stuck with it.

      I think if your kid has no interest or aptitude there’s no point in forcing them, but there is some value in trying to get them push through the boredom if they are interested but get bored for a bit.

    17. LibbyG*

      Thanks, everyone! It great to get this diversity of perspectives. My spouse and I are both musicians; I’m a total hobbyist but spouse has an academic degree in music and high semi-pro performing chops in multiple instruments. We’ve both had so much fun with music that we want to give our kids the same opportunity. We want to start on piano because of the foundational, how-music-works knowledge it provides.

      The points about the importance of the teacher and the comments from those who found piano lessons and practice just plain tedious help me think about how to be really attuned to how (and whether) to make learning piano a good thing.

      More comments? Please keep them coming!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Kids seem to follow their parents, let them see you playing/practicing.
        Ideally, play the instruments together and let them see you guys being silly with each other through music.

        I wanted to change instruments and my parents wouldn’t let me. If they want to change instruments please consider letting them. I probably would have stayed with it if I had been able to change.

        I did not have a positive music experience but I don’t regret it in the least. There have been so many times where I found myself in a setting with people talking about music. It was so nice to be able to follow along somewhat.

        I did read of a study that showed music lessons can help with brain development in a child. So there is that,too.

      2. Reba*

        What about Kindermusik or similar for the littler one?

        My first piano teacher made me cry (although I think it was more me than her) but some of the later ones are still in my life/friends of the family.

    18. Helen*

      My parents made me start them right after I turned 3 and continued to send me until I turned 18 and refused to keep going. I hated them and never wanted to go. My parents were both musicians who played in amateur orchestras and taught music so they insisted on me going. They had played their wholes lives and went to college for music so they thought it was the greatest thing ever. It is fine that they enjoyed it but I don’t have a musical bone in my body. I was forced to be in piano and violin lessons from the ages of 3 to 18. I had a lesson for each of them on a different day of the week. Four other days (two for piano and two for violin) I had to practice for an hour each evening. The other day I had to learn music theory and history. I hated every second of it but my parents never listened when I told them I wanted to stop. I also had to take music in all 4 years of high school and was forced to play the flute. I had no musical aptitude or ear for it at all. It’s like forcing a kid who is not athletic and hates sports to play football or another sport just because his or her parents were athletes. I hated them so much I cried. My parents insisted it would build character. They even insisted I go to college for music when it was the last thing I wanted. The only thing it did was make me leave home the day I turned 18. It took weekly therapy from the ages of 19 to 25 to resolve all the issues forced music lessons caused. I barely speak to my parents now, we speak 3 or 4 times a year at family events like weddings. I haven’t been home to see them for 15 years and our relationship is that of arms length acquaintances rather than parent and child. I strongly urge you against putting your children in any activity, music or otherwise, unless they express an interest first. Don’t put them in piano just because you enjoy music. It is great that you love music so much, but it is up to them to decide if they want to also. Let them decide for themselves.

    19. Porygon-Z*

      Not piano, but I joined my elementary school band on flute in 4th grade and over time, music morphed into a passion in my life. I learned several other instruments as time went on and I still play flute as a hobby. My mom’s side of the family is musically inclined and I’m glad I am as well.

      I’d say give it a shot for the 6 year old at least, and maybe the option of a different instrument if the option is out there and they are interested in a different one.

    20. Sarah M.*

      I honestly wouldn’t do it unless one of your children expressed interest. Just because you love music doesn’t mean you kids will. If you want to pass on your love of music you can show them how much you love it and see if they want to follow in your footsteps. But putting them in lessons for something just because you like it could lead to resentment on their part.

    21. NoMoreMrFixit*

      I actually studied organ rather than piano and loved it. The discipline and creativity I learned from music has helped me throughout my career in IT. Not surprisingly the most talented people I had the opportunity to work with likewise had a background in either music or art.

      Music also taught me responsibility. I became a church organist in my teens and that helped pay my way through college. In my opinion giving kids the opportunity to study music is one of the greatest gifts we can give them.

      1. Mallows*

        I did this too (sort of) – played piano and organ, whichever was needed, at church from 9 yo forward. And then went to a conservatory to study pipe organ and left after freshman year, realizing there was no career to be had for atheist organists. Maybe it’s different now.

    22. another person*

      We started piano lessons when we were pretty little (I think maybe I was 8 and my sister was 6). I hated them but I’m also glad my mom made us take them. Like would hide in my room when it was time for lessons hated. The rule was that we had to take piano lessons until we could read music reliably, and once we knew how to read music, we could switch to another instrument, until we got to too busy (I stopped taking lessons in 8th grade–had switched to flute earlier and there were some decent gaps when teachers moved, etc–my sister stopped earlier when she got into competitive dance and got busy).

      I am really glad that I learned how to read music and it definitely made picking up other instruments a lot faster. I wish I stayed in piano a little longer though because while I can sight read things in treble clef pretty well, when you throw in chords (because flute plays only 1 note) pr bass clef I have to spend a lot more time to work through things. We’re a musical family, though.

    23. DanaScully*

      I didn’t take any musical instrument based instruction as a child, but I really wish I had. I would love to be able to play any type of instrument now. My mum often relays the time she asked me as a child if I wanted to learn to play an instrument, and I told her I’d like to learn to play the harp. I wasn’t a child who did things by half!

      2. Wendy Darling*

        I’m 35 and started taking piano lessons 8 months ago. It’s one of my favorite things I’ve done as an adult and I feel like I’m learning SO MUCH about not just music but how I learn. If you want to do it you should go for it!

    24. Rookie Manager*

      I had piano lessons as a kid and believe it’s one of the best things my parents did for me. I love that (despite not being very good these days) I can sit down at my piano and play a tune, I can express emotion through music, read music, have fun. If I ever have kids I would definitely help them find their instrument.

      Music is also great for teaching maths concepts, language skills, team work, critical analysis, patience, empathy and much more.

    25. HannahS*

      I wanted to, I found it fun, and I’m glad I had them. However, my parent-who-was-in-charge-of-music-lessons had the attitude that if I REALLY wanted to learn, I’d motivate myself and practice without being told to. Basically, they left it completely in my care…when I was six. I might occasionally have messed around on the piano of my own volition, but discipline is a skill as much as piano-playing is a skill, and I needed more support from my parents than I got in that regard. So I’d say, treat as a fun, challenging game with lots of positive affirmation rather than a chore. Short practice sessions for little kids. Ask the teacher how long they suggest, what exercises they want your child to do, etc. If your child hates it and you’re having big blow-out fights about it (and you’re not having those issues with other things) then probably it’s not worth it.

    26. Elizabeth West*

      My mum played (really well, actually) and I took them as a child, but because of the dyscalculia, reading music was difficult past the basic stuff. I mostly played by ear. I have a little bit of dyspraxia too, and I never could really do it properly, so it was more frustrating than anything. We had to take piano class in music school (college) and no matter how much I practiced, I never could get it. I tried one more time as an adult before admitting defeat.

      I can sing, though! :)

      My advice would be to not force them to do it–if they want to, by all means go for it. If they’re interested in another instrument, go for that. But I think three is a bit young.

    27. Tau*

      I took piano lessons from age six and wanted to and was happy I did. I kept them up until I was… sixteen? but lost a lot of the joy due to a horrible teacher switch when I was eleven/twelve (new teacher had very firm opinions on how to play expressively; I was too wooden for her so she decided that I, with my six years at the piano, should start over from scratch with the easiest song so she could train me to play the way she wanted. :/)

      I honestly think that musical instruments are some of the things it’s a lot harder to learn when you’re an adult than when you’re a child. In addition to certain bits of mental flexibility (I have perfect pitch, and you basically have to have had early childhood musical training for that) you just don’t generally have the sort of free time as an adult, and often also not the tolerance for not being good at it for a while. So even though there were obviously bits in between where I was “eh” on practicing, and the last few years with the new piano teacher were a horror, I’m still super happy my parents gave me the opportunity. It means I have a skill now that I wouldn’t have otherwise.

      Also, piano has the great advantage that you sound reasonable from the start. I also learned violin from age nine, and string instruments are a serious trial – it takes you *years* to sound even halfway decent. I took lessons for almost a decade and played regularly for a decade beyond that and I can still sound terrible at times. I suspect a bunch of the brass and woodwind instruments are similar? Anyway, it’s really demotivating. (The upside of those instruments is that you can play in an orchestra, which piano won’t get you.)

    28. Nana*

      I’m going to suggest they try the recorder first. It’s easy (which is so satisfying for beginners) and any sound it makes is pleasant. There are different tones, so they could even do duets. Once they’re comfortable with one instrument, it’s easier to add/change to something more difficult.
      [I took piano from 4 – 7, but was frustrated that I couldn’t play as well as my mother…queen of instant gratification here!)

      1. LizB*

        “any sound it makes is pleasant” Ah, you were not within ten miles of my house when my brother was in fourth grade, I see. :-P (I do think the recorder is a pretty great starter instrument, but if you’re determined, you can make it make some horrific squeaking sounds.)

    30. LizB*

      I took little-kid music lessons from 2-5 years old (mainly just singing interactive songs and playing around with some basic percussion-y instruments) then immediately started piano, which I continued until… 11, I think? I think my parents would have let me stop earlier if I had asked. I liked music, but hated practicing, and I didn’t like that piano wasn’t intuitively easy for me. I did voice lessons for a few years in middle school and enjoyed those more because singing came much easier to me. I am definitely glad now that I learned so much about music as a kid, because now I sing in a community choir and being able to at-least-kind-of read music is super useful.

    31. Maya Elena*

      A recital or exam is key as a motivator, IMO.
      Also try to find someone who gives more depth than rote “memorize and punch out these keys” teaching.

      I had a year of theory and history with my teacher before starting actual piano lessons. I continued this theory portion for many years afterwards. It really deepened my musical knowledge.
      We learned rhythms, notes, key signatures, took dictations, learned about circle of fifths, major vs minor scales, chord nomenclature, ans all the major Western composers from Bach onwards thru about Prokofiev, ans their major works.
      This is over about 8 years.

      We drew to new music and watched relevant movies, e.g. Amadeus and Leonard Bernstein’s musical lectures (taped live).

      Also, buy an electric piano if you’re not sure they’ll stick to it. It will be a good flower pot stand ;)

    32. LilySparrow*

      I had lessons for several years in elementary school. I liked my teacher and loved recitals, but hated practicing.

      My teacher did not really instruct us on *how* to practice, how to approach a piece and learn it gradually. It was just, “Practice 30 minutes a day, here are your pieces.” That was very overwhelming to a first-grader, I never really knew what I was supposed to do with it. I’m not sure if that was just a weakness in her teaching, or if that was standard in the ’70s – ’80s.

      So I’d look for a teacher that gives short, very specific written tasks for practice time. I’ve seen some teachers work with colorful counters and other fun ways for kids to keep track of their exercises. That seems helpful!

      Also, my mom grew up poor and felt very deprived of the opportunity to learn, so anytime I dawdled over practicing it became a huge emotional blow-out full of guilt and tears.

      If you want your children to love music, don’t do that.

    33. JamieS*

      Have your children expressed an interest in playing the piano or learning to play music in general? If so, or if they haven’t expressed an opinion one way or another, I’d start off with lessons for a month or two (long enough for them to get a feel for how they like it) then sit down with them to discuss if they’d like to continue. If not, work with them to find activities they would enjoy. Personally I recommend starting with ones with low start up costs until you’ve narrowed down their interests.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        This is what I did for my daughter (at 7), coupled with my trying to figure out if she’d have the patience to sit through a lesson and the courtesy to listen to the teacher (not a given with this child!). We tried a few lessons over the summer and found that the teacher is a good fit for her. Since she said she enjoyed them and didn’t fight practicing too much, she started full time this fall. So far she’s done a practice recital and a more formal one and enjoyed the performing aspect, so we’ll see how far she wants to go with it. Son is 4 which I think is too young to start (for him). He likes sitting at the keyboard once in a while and soon we’ll probably teach him to peck out a simple song to gauge his interest.

        I started when I was 6 or 7 and played up until 11th grade. My teacher at the time basically told me I had progressed as far as I would without making a full time (college degree-level) commitment. I never did any graded competitions, but I did write several pieces over the years that I still play for fun. I also played flute for 6 years, and I’m glad I have that background in music.

    34. Mindy*

      I took piano lessons as a child for 8 years. I had no interest or aptitude. My older sister enjoyed them and did well and my mother always wanted to learn. It helped later with typing. That’s it. I wanted to take dance lessons but since my older sister didn’t like them my mother assumed I wouldn’t either. The moral of the story is, who wants the lessons?

  17. Anon Accountant*

    Omg, your cat looks exactly like mine and we have the same blanket. I had to do a double take there to figure out that that wasn’t a picture of my cat who was sitting on my lap in exactly that same pose :)

    1. Marthooh*

      I took a closer look at that photo and OMG that hot pink blanket is warming my haunches even as I type. Alison, how did you come by these strange powers of blanketry?

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        There is no hot pink blanket! I think you might be looking at the red pillow behind him? That said, I do consider myself a blanket wizard who finds the coziest blankets.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              I can’t find this blanket online and I have no idea where my brother’s mum-in-law got them. Everyone got a blanket from them, all different. But mine is definitely the cutest. :3

        2. JamieS*

          Looks like a pink blanket. Although I would describe it as more of a tint between pink and purple. More mild pink.

  18. Veruca*

    My kids (11 and 8) were asked to stage our neighbor’s gender reveal for her first child. They have built a Rube-Goldberg machine that does a few things and ends with dropping a chemical into a flask that will create a waterfall of (pink or blue) foam. So proud of them! And.. hoping it works.

      1. Veruca*

        It was today. Much chaos and it didn’t go quite as planned, but it was a ton of fun to be involved. This was a first child for the couple and they would have been thrilled either way. It was mainly an excuse to have some BBQ and get together and celebrate the new addition! PS: It was a girl!

    2. Triplestep*

      That sounds great! “Gender Reveals” were not a thing when I was having kids, so besides the cake color (which I’ve seen on TV) I don’t know about other ways they’re done. Seems like this idea might take off!

      1. NJ Anon*

        My son had a football with pink powder in it. His SO hiked it to him and he kicked it. Pink powder everywhete! (Outside, of course). It was great!

      2. Pollygrammer*

        I find gender reveal parties problematic. Someone sent me a YouTube video of a dad with several daughters learning via-balloon or something he’s “finally” having a boy. His thrilled disbelief is supposed to be funny or uplifting or something. But all I could think of was–his daughters are ~right there~ and he’s making it super obvious he would have preferred them to be boys, and that this is the kid he really wants. I can’t imagine a little girl not internalizing that. Ick.

        1. Helen*

          +1. I have seen this exact same thing play out on both sides of my family (although in all 3 cases the genders were reversed and the reveal was for a girl). I completely agree with you.

          1. Eva*

            I doubt the dynamic for boys seeing it vs. girls would be the same though. It wouldn’t be harmful to them and they would not internalize it like girls would. So while you might have seen it play out I doubt it is the same thing for boys as it would be for girls.

            1. JamieS*

              Don’t you think it’s incredibly sexist to say boys wouldn’t care about being told their parents preferred girls but girls would care?

            3. Observer*

              Don’t kid yourself.

              NO child – NONE boy or girl – should have to see their parent(s) making it clear that they are not good enough by virtue of who they are. NO child can help but be hurt by this.

              The idea that boys somehow aren’t hurt by their parents’ attitudes is utterly toxic.

            4. paul*

              Are you seriously arguing that it wouldn’t hurt a kid to know they weren’t wanted/what their parents would prefer?

          2. Temperance*

            Society doesn’t tell boys that they’re worth less than girls, though, and I think that’s a key difference.

            1. Ramona Flowers*

              Little kids don’t know what society thinks as keenly as they know whether they have their parents’ approval.

              1. Temperance*

                While I don’t think that kids get the whole “sexism is a societal institution” thing, kids realize at a very young age that boys are treated different than girls and that adult men have more opportunities than adult women. For instance, when I was 6, I saw a poster of all presidents and demanded to know why no “girls” were on there.

                In a world where I knew that I can’t do as much as a boy, it hurt even more when my family was prizing a boy over me. I don’t think my experience was that much of an outlier.

              2. Nichelle*

                My aunt and uncle wanted a daughter. Both sets of my grandparents wanted a granddaughter. Yes, society does damage to girls because there is a (general) preference for sons but my older cousin was well aware they wanted a girl and longed for a girl. Even as a kid I could see the difference in how I was treated vs. him. My cousin knew I was favoured in my family because I was a girl. Anyone could have seen it. It did lots of damage to him to know he wasn’t what his parents and some family members wanted.

            2. Observer*

              So? How does that make it better for a boy?

              If a kid is aware of this, it could make it worse, if it has any effect. ie Everyone says that boys are better, but my parents don’t want boys! It must be ME! Something is wrong with ME and that’s why my parents don’t want boys.

              1. Temperance*

                FWIW, that’s entirely possible, but I was sort of approaching it from the “girls are already told over and over that they aren’t as good as boys, and when their own family lets them know that they aren’t as good as boys, it hurts them even further”.

                I don’t think gender preferences should ever be expressed to kids, and I’m not suggesting that boys get everything easier.

        2. Temperance*

          I guarantee those girls internalized it. My sister and I were young when our brother was born, and my father’s elation and all the comments about how someone would “finally” carry on the family name stayed with us.

          1. Oldestof4*

            This, 100%. The extended family named the boy “The King” and would rush into the house, calling for The King. Greeting any of the girls was an afterthought. We all still remember it, and how much it hurt. And replacing “King” with “Pain in the Ass” was *not* allowed!

        3. Triplestep*

          Oh, yuck. As I mentioned, gender reveals were not a thing when I was having kids – I just assumed that everyone cheers and is always happy just to have more info about the soon-to-be new member of the family.

        5. Gaia*

          I find them problematic because you cannot possibly know the gender of the child in question. You may know what their sexual organs will be. You may know what their chromosomes are. You cannot know how they will identify. It is weird and uncomfortable. It also, as you point out, tends to make it clear that some parents prefer one sex over another for their child which is…I don’t know…I mean I’d be pretty sad to find out my mother wished I had been born male. Almost like I wasn’t good enough? And it would be kind of messed up to wish my nephew had been born female. Like he wasn’t what we all wanted?

          1. SS Express*

            Thank you! The name “gender reveal” bothers me even more than the existence of gender reveals. Finding out the sex of an unborn baby is exciting to me – when you’re so eager to meet them and you know absolutely nothing else about what they’ll be like, it’s really nice to find out the one piece of information you can and start thinking of the baby as more of a real person and less of an “it”. I think this would be the same regardless of what random piece of biological information we could access. Finding out that your mystery future kid is actually a mystery future REDHEAD kid would be exciting too.

            But there is currently no way to test a baby’s *gender* and certainly no way to know that the baby will subscribe to every gender stereotype imaginable. The ways that people ignore both of those facts to frame these reveals as “a princess or a pirate”, “ballet shoes or soccer boots”, “a bun is in the oven – will it be a sweet little cupcake or a handsome stud muffin” (I am not making these up btw) turn my stomach. The Rube-Goldberg idea is much less gross!

        6. Student*

          My father was like that. Didn’t need gender reveal parties (didn’t exist at the time) for him to spend a good part of his life reminding me I’m not the son he wanted.

          Parents – never even joke about this in front of your kids, and do your best to keep it internal if that’s how you feel. It’s painful to experience.

      3. Optimistic Prime*

        I’ve seen expecting parents do balloons in a giant present box – they untie the box, lift off the top and let the balloons fly out. I’ve also seen people do a simple envelope.

  19. DanaScully*

    I just wanted to say thank you to those of you who responded to my skin condition post last week.

    I went to see a nurse who confirmed that it is Pompholyx/Dyshidrotic Eczema. She prescribed a moisturiser but I think I need something stronger so I’ve booked an appointment to see my GP.

    At the moment the blisters have gone down but the skin on my fingers has thickened and become really coarse. Thankfully it’s not as itchy and I’ve been avoiding soaps/perfumes as much as possible.

    Thanks again for all of your responses, and I hope you all have a great weekend.

      1. DanaScully*

        Thank you, Bluebell. The nurse said it’s more than likely caused by stress and that it will probably rear its head again during future stressful episodes-eek!

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Mine is definitely exacerbated by stress. But good thick moisturizers and the prescription ointment really help, at least until I can get the stress under control.

        2. All Hail Queen Sally*

          I am amazed at all the different ways our bodies react to stress. Too bad stress can’t be outlawed.

  20. Call me St. Vincent*

    So interesting thing that has come up. We have a shared driveway with our wonderful neighbors. Seriously, they are wonderful neighbors. They snowplow the entire driveway, including the part that is solely ours, and refuse any compensation or gifts and are generally giving and thoughtful people. They are probably 10 years ahead of us in years and in terms of career growth. They have recently put an addition on their house and redid their kitchen. We did work on our house before we moved in because it was in fixer upper state, but since we put a lot of money into the house, there have been other extremely expensive things that have come up. We had to replace our entire HVAC, for instance, which we weren’t expecting and we found out our basement had mold in it, so we had to remediate that. That was all stuff that wasn’t picked up on our inspection, but turned up after we had invested in cosmetic changes in the house (that we might have waited to do if we had known about the real issues–first time home buyers will not make that mistake again). So here’s the rub…

    My wonderful neighbors want to repave our shared driveway. They have mentioned it like three times in a “we should be saving up because we need to replace the driveway” and they have alluded to us doing it this Spring. I don’t really have any expertise in it and neither does my husband, but neither of us really feel like the driveway is in disrepair. I mean there is definitely wear and tear, but I guess I am jaded because my parents driveway is a mess and hasn’t been redone in 20 years and it’s never been that big of a problem and our driveway is in way, way better shape than theirs. My neighbor does have a sportscar, so I don’t know if that plays into it. We have a pothole we filled with sand for now until it can be patched and one that has been patched already. We are not opposed to redoing the driveway, but we know it’s going to be big bucks to do it, even splitting it by square footage. If it isn’t an emergency, we’d rather hang on to that money because we have expectations of things that need to be fixed in our house on a more emergent basis (we need a new front door because our doorjamb is broken and our storm door is totally busted–we are dealing with a 20 year old roof that could die at any point).

    Is there something I’m not seeing about the driveway that could be making a driveway that looks okay need to be replaced? We certainly want to make our neighbors happy and do anything that really should be done for the sake of the properties. Also, has anyone handled a situation like this before? What is the best way to deal with this when we want to keep our great relationship with these neighbors? We definitely feel like it’s better to have neighbors that want to take care of our properties than the other way around!

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      Are they improver types who can’t just let something be? I’m reminded of friends of ours who did up their house and, as soon as it was finished, sold it and moved. They’re always either improving or upgrading things. Me, I’ll decorate once then sit back and enjoy it.

      I think it would be fine to say you’re not able to pay for the driveway. I wouldn’t get into discussing reasons.

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        I actually have wondered about that myself. I think for them, it’s probably one of the last things they need to do for their house/property to be “done” as they have done everything else over the past few years. Whereas for us, we still have some ways to go and there are other things that seem to be more of a priority at this point.

      2. All Hail Queen Sally*

        I have two friends who are constantly repairing/ replacing/ updating things around their houses. Every time I talk to each one, they’re telling me what new things they are doing. It’s like a hobby to them.,

    2. fposte*

      Have you gotten actual quotes? Start with that. When you say “pave,” do you mean asphalt or, as is common in my area and costs more, concrete?

      I think my call would depend to some extent on the exact numbers, but wonderful neighbors who have already saved you a ton of trouble and money are worth trying to please, and I might prioritize that over the door. (I also would want to repave at that level of potholes, I think.)

      But I also think it’s worth opening up a conversation. “We think you guys are great and we want you to have the driveway that pleases you, but we might need some time to save up for our portion since we didn’t have that expense budgeted. Could we talk about getting quotes this year and then looking at timeline for later this year or early next year?”

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        We haven’t gotten the quotes yet, but my father got a quote for his driveway, which I’d say is comparable to our portion of the shared driveway (considering half of the part we use together and our sole section) over the summer and it was $8,000. It’s possible it could be lower given that it’s a larger job overall, so maybe there would be a discount. I am pretty sure its asphalt that is common here rather than concrete.

        I definitely agree that it would be nice to have a new driveway given we are getting the potholes, for us it’s more–can we put this off while we do the more pressing things? The answer for us is yes, but everyone’s comfort level is different and we knew that there would be compromises with buying a property with a shared driveway. And as you mention, we do love our neighbors and we are very grateful for all they do for us! We will definitely talk to them more about it as we get more towards Spring I’m sure.

        1. fposte*

          They may not realize that this would work on you guys the way it would, too, so opening up that fact with them would be useful. But, as you’ve doubtless found inside your house, shared space involves compromises. Probably you will have to get this done before it’s what you consider an emergency if you want a good relationship with your neighbors; probably they will have to get this done later than they could if they want a good relationship with you.

        2. ThatGirl*

          Is it possible you could sealcoat instead? We have asphalt driveways and our HOA sealcoats them every other year to help maintain them. Could help and put off a whole repaving.

          1. Call me St. Vincent*

            My neighbor has said he doesn’t believe in seal coating. I honestly don’t know much about it, but we got a quote for that from a guy we asked to fix the pothole in our section. We had spoken to the neighbors about it then and they were basically saying no don’t do it, we should just get the driveway repaved.

              1. Call me St. Vincent*

                Yeah we called him to fix the pothole, but he was trying to sell us on seal coating as well since I think that is his main business.

        3. Rocketship*

          I think it would be totally fine to just be honest with them – especially if you already have a good relationship with them. You could just ask them the next time it comes up, “Hey, what’s your sense of urgency on this? We want to do our part, of course, but we’ve had some big expenses lately and if there’s any way it could be pushed back a bit that would be a huge help to us.”

          If they do feel it needs to get done right away, perhaps you could work out a sort of (for lack of a better phrase) payment plan? Like, if they’re able to bear the cost up front, you can commit to paying them back $X over Y time, or do X amount of work on shared areas in trade, or something along those lines. Put it in writing so everyone’s clear on expectations, and as a sign of good faith that you will keep your word, etc. They sound like really reasonable people, I’m sure they’d be willing to help come up with a plan that isn’t a financial hardship for you. Let us know how it goes!

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I’m your neighbors in this situation. My side of the driveway has more/deeper potholes and due to bad grading water pools against the foundation. Are there more than cosmetic issues at play?

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        Honestly, there could be! The only times we have been on their side of the driveway, it has been night time so I haven’t really taken a close look. That’s a good thought.

    4. Hildegard Vonbingen*

      Why not be honest and tell them you don’t have the cash to do it right now and can’t afford to take on any more debt? That’s pretty clear, and hard to argue with. Perhaps they’d be willing to wait. But, bottom line, if you don’t have the bucks and can’t take on more debt, then that’s pretty much it for now.

      I’d approach this in a friendly way – you like each other, they’re helpful, and they sound like reasonable people. Also, get an idea of how much it’s going to cost so you know what you’re looking at – at some point you’ll want to do it. The question will be when. And keep in mind that there’s more than one way to re-do a driveway, from straight concrete to more decorative – and expensive – materials. So, ask.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Funny you should mention this.
      I share a driveway with 2 other households.
      One neighbor goes above and beyond. The other neighbor in the other house ignores it entirely.

      Here’s the problem with the pot hole.
      Both me and my plowing neighbor have broken our machines on these holes. You can’t see them with snow on the ground and sometimes it’s really hard to estimate where they would be with a few inches of snow on the ground. Depending on the type of break, sometimes we are not able to finish plowing. Other times the repair is just plain spendy.
      One part of the driveway has broken the auger on my tractor so bad that I needed a new auger. The auger was $800 plus shipping and handling and tax. So it was just under a grand to get this thing and I still have to pay someone to install it.

      I think 8 grand is relatively cheap to have a driveway done. If your share is 4k, you probably would have spent that paying someone to plow for you these years. (A cheap price around here is about $50 per storm, this adds up fast and people leave it if it is 3 inches or less. ) Additionally, snow equipment is going up and up. The prices are ridiculous. From your neighbors perspective they may not see a choice it’s either spend 4 k on the drive way or spend several k on a new piece of equipment because the driveway ate the equipment. They are going to be out the money anyway. You may want to check to see if this is their concern right here.

      Like you I have had extensive work done here and mold remediation etc. Houses are such a money suck. This is the nature of things. It’s just plain tough. There is really no good time to redo the driveway. We fix ten things on our houses and then ten more things pop up, the driveway repair gets put off and put off.

      Since neighbors like this are a once in a life time thing, I would like to encourage you to find a path to some type of agreement. Just on the basis of how wonderful they have been.

      1) Consider options. I know they have machines now that will come and tear up your black top and turn it into something pourable. Then the machine pours your black top back down but – tada! — it is now smooth. This may be cheaper to do this than to do brand new.
      Pricing on black top is tied oil prices. If there is a jump in oil you can plan on this price here jumping. So your savings here would be not paying for more black top.

      2) If you think you’d be in a better spot next year, let them know that and ask if you could pay for some patching work to help you guys get through this season. Then make a solid plan to do this in 2019.

      Your story resonates so much with me. My plowing neighbors are 20 years older than me. Like you are saying, they shouldered it, never asked for anything, etc. We bought a tractor when we moved in so that we could take our turn. My husband was great about getting out there, but me, not so much. After he passed, I kept working at getting used to the tractor and so on. Now my dear neighbors are 80.( Those years FLEW. They were 50 years old yesterday… )And now I am the one who does the driveway. I am saying this so you know my advice comes from a good place in my heart. Find a way to keep involved in the driveway maintenance, this includes planning how to pay for that maintenance. One day I woke up and my dear neighbors had aged. The husband is now terminal and the wife will not stay once he passes. I am very grateful that I did do some things so I am more familiar with what it takes to take care of that driveway.

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        Your story is so sweet. Thank you for sharing it! That definitely makes sense regarding the equipment! Just one point of clarification, I think it would be $8,000 for our share, rather than the whole thing. I’m sure the whole thing would be over $15,000. It’s quite a long ways up and around unfortunately. The advice still holds though and we will take it to heart.

        1. fposte*

          Oh, wow, that is a big driveway. I can definitely see that that’s not an easy amount to casually commit to.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            That is probably what mine would run. I have 250 feet plus side areas where people can park. Part of the reason why the idea of recycling the black top that was already there intrigued me was because I really hope we can get a substantial reduction.
            With the progression of my neighbor’s illness, I do not expect them to help with the costs at all now. So am waiting for the million dollar lottery ticket.
            I found tubes of stuff at a tag sale. I dug out the grass and filled in a couple cracks. At I don’t have to mow there anymore.

        2. Elizabeth H.*

          All the pro-repaving comments are pretty amazing to me. If I had a driveway that WORKED (i.e. one could drive a car up it and park on it) and wasn’t a gigantic eyesore, and my neighbors wanted to get it repaved and have me pay for half of it I would find this totally crazy. I definitely acknowledge the value of good relationship with neighbors but 8k is a huge amount of money for something that’s not a need based priority but more cosmetic. I’m not sure the snow blowing factors into it either – people around where I don’t commonly hire others to do driveways unless they are physically unable, everyone does theirs themselves pretty much. So an economic argument based on money saved by your neighbors snow blowing also seems strange to me.
          If you’re willing/desirous to do it in a couple years but can’t afford it this year, it seems totally appropriate to me to just tell them that straightforwardly with less hedging than others have suggested above.

    6. Safetykats*

      Maybe have a professional fine look at the driveway and get your own estimate, along with an assessment of condition. The driveway isn’t just the pavement, it’s also the bedding – so letting potholes go for too long can greatly increase the cost of repaving because water intrusion into the bedding could result in the need to rework big areas of that. Whereas having it done earlier may mean that you the bedding only needs to be rerolled, rather than replaced.

      Unfortunately shared driveways, fences, or what have you so mean that you have to cooperate with your neighbors and sometimes work to their schedules. You might be able to compromise on schedule, but it’s probably not okay to just say that you can’t contribute. Also, as another commenter pointed out, it’s problematic for your neighbors to keep plowing your part of the driveway if you have unrepaired or poorly repaired potholes, as that can damage their equipment. So if you don’t want to get your section repaved or properly repaired, I would at least be prepared to have them stop clearing your snow.

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        Thanks. I definitely appreciate the insight on the bedding issue. As I mentioned, I am not savvy about the nature of these things and the technical reasons for doing the repaving sooner. That is very helpful information. I’m sure we will get an estimate in the Spring. I just want to clarify that we would never not contribute to the repaving! I hope that isn’t what I implied in my original post. We intend to pay our fair share, I really just wanted advice on dealing with the situation in that (1) I didn’t know if it actually could be urgent without us understanding and (2) if it isn’t, how to delicately handle a situation with neighbors we love and appreciate. No intent was ever there to let them shoulder the entire burden–that isn’t the type of people we are! Also, we have offered to pay for plowing more times than we can count, but my neighbor won’t have it. We also have tried getting out early to shovel before he can come out and he literally comes out and yells at us to stop because he wants to do it. We have tried to give them money, they literally refuse it and turn away. So I really don’t want to give the impression we are somehow taking advantage of their kindness, as I am afraid you might have that view based on your response.

    7. MissDissplaced*

      They might just mean it needs to be sealcoated, which is a maintenance thing, and should be done every few years. If the driveway is in good repair, this shouldn’t be too costly.

    8. blackcat*

      I have a shared driveway and a lovely neighbor. There wasn’t a dispute when the driveway needed to be done–it was in iffy shape before the snow of 2015 (in Boston), and 2015 did it in. It was super hard to clear the mountains of snow, and the asphalt just crumbled after so many freeze/thaw cycles. It was also not that expensive compared to what you are talking about.

      Because the driveway is legally my neighbors (it’s an easement), we didn’t technically have to pay anything, but made it clear we would. Neighbor is lovely but very particular, and so she was extremely particular about who she wanted to hire (she’s a serious gardener and didn’t want damage to her property). She got several quotes, and felt best about the company that was the most expensive. She asked us to pay 50% of the mid-priced option. She recognized that, if left to our own devices, my husband and I would have chosen the cheaper option, and that she was picking something that was way more (like $2k more) because she’s fussy about these things. That seemed fair, and there were no hurt feelings.

      I recommend figuring out what you think needs to be done/are willing to do and how much that would cost, and offer to contribute your share of that to the project. They can do whatever they want above and beyond if that’s what they want.

  21. Kali*

    I’m going to see the Terry Pratchett exhibit in Salisbury museum on Monday! Unfortunately, that means I have to spend six hours on a bus tomorrow….

    1. Caro in the UK*

      I am also going to see the Terry Pratchett exhibit in Salisbury on Monday! :) I suddenly realised that it closes in a week and the guy I’m dating is a HUGE Pratchett fan too, so we’re going!

      1. Bibliovore*

        I am so, so, so, so envious. I do want to brag that I did have the opportunity to spend time with Terry Pratchett at a publisher’s event years ago and it was one of the highlights of my career. He was charming and kind, just as I imagined.

          1. Free Meerkats*

            I was lucky enough to run into him in a bar at Worldcon in Melbourne in 1999 in the wee hours. I managed to not fanboi out and we had a beer together and chatted about touristing in Australia.

            The total highlight of my life – so far.

    2. IT Squirrel*

      I did not even realise this was on, I might have to try and make it next week – it’s only an hour or so from me. Although it sounds like Monday is the day for AAM readers!

    3. Anonymouse for this*

      Am travelling to UK next week – and was planning to spend my Fri layover in London wandering about Hyde Park and Oxford St – am now searching for trains to Salisbury!

      1. Anonymouse for this*

        Oh bother – RMT is calling strike action on 12 Jan so restricted train service to Salisbury. Here’s hoping the strike gets called off.

        1. Kali*

          Never have I been to an exhibit with more tears. I think the secret feegles must have been chopping onions.

          I’m planning to put some pictures on imgur later, so I’ll share the link here and in next week’s post.

          You could look at national express or Megabus to Southampton and then train to Salisbury, but you might not have time with a layover.

          I also got to see one of the original magna cartas! The cathedral is right next door to the museum.

    4. Bagpuss*

      I enjoyed the exhibition when I went, it looks like it’s just got busier and busier since then, and was incredibly busy at the weekend. I think they have already extended it once.

      anonymouse, you might be able to get a National Express coach – they seem to run about every half hour from Waterloo and take 1.30 -2 hours.
      I don’t know where is Salisbury they stop, but it is a small, walkable city and the museum is right by the cathedral so easy to find.

    1. fposte*

      Finished how? That will matter. You’re always going to want to sand some to give the new paint layer something to stick to, but if they’re finished with something oil-based you’ll need to take more drastic measures.

      Probably they’re just sprayed with polysomething–if so, sand with fine grade, wipe them down and allow them to dry, and paint with the basic house paint of your choice, preferably one you can get in volume below a quart. If by “paint” you mean “stain,” that’s another matter, and the choices get more complicated and outside of my practice, so I’ll let somebody else weigh in.

    2. Bex*

      Do you want them to be a darker color of wood? If so, you’ll need to sand everything really well in order to take off the current finish. Then you’ll need to stain the wood. And after that dries, you need to varnish it. Honestly, its probably at least a 2 day job and it’ll be really tough around the joins in the wood. Getting those parts sanded down is tricky, but if you don’t get all of the old finish off then the new stain can’t soak in and you’ll end up with light patches.

    3. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Do you want paint, or stain? What’s on it right now is stain. Paint is a LOT easier than to restain it. For stain, what Bex said. I don’t recommend it, a ton of work and a much higher chance it won’t turn out well.

      To paint, you’ll need to get some sandpaper and sand the wood. Goal is to get it the current finish pretty roughed up so paint can stick well. Then get some primer and apply that. The primer will help bridge the wood/stain and the paint and make it last better. Your paint should probably be either high gloss or enamel finish, because that’s what will hold up best. Recommend you go to a paint store (not big box store, you need someone who knows paint) and talk to them. A knowledgeable person can help you select appropriate primer and paint. I like Sherwin Williams, but there’s others. Make sure you check online for coupons too.

      I prefer to brush vs. spray paint. But for spray paint, you’ll still need both components.

  23. WellRed*

    I turned on my Samsung Galxay 7 while it was charging and now it’s stuck on one screen, sort of mid warm up. I can’t restart it. Suggestions?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I don’t know about Galaxy phones but with iPhones you can plug into a computer and do a repair thing – maybe see if there’s something similar?

    2. Caligirl*

      According to my tech husband, push the power button and volume down button and hold them down for up to 45 seconds. That should force a restart. What does the screen look like?

      1. WellRed*

        Your husband is my hero! The tech support at Sprint had me holding volume up + power + home (which is physically very difficult) and it didn’t do a thing. You have saved me a Saturday trip to the mall.

      2. Hildegard Vonbingen*

        Yup, restart usually works for me, too. This reminds me of the British TV show, The IT Crowd.

        “Have you tried turning it off and on again?” Amazing how often that’s actually good advice. Too bad it doesn’t work on co-workers.

        1. Wendy Darling*

          That is the standard advice in my household. Any technical problem is met with a bland “Have you tried turning it off and on again?” Mr Darling and I are both very tech-savvy but we STILL say it to each other. I say it to coworkers. I say it to my mom. It works most of the time!

    4. matcha123*

      I’ve had something similar happen with my s6. I hard pressed and held the power button to turn it off then restarted it after 30 seconds or so.

  24. Brand New Day*

    Can I ask what you all think about warning tags on the Internet? I follow the blog of one of my favorite writers, who loves exploring nature and taking pictures of animals. One of her recent posts featured the photo of a moth. She got a comment from a reader asking her to specifically tag moth photos because that reader has a phobia of moths.

    I understand warnings for the obvious upsetting things: bullying, abuse, gore, sex, death, eating disorders, suicide, things like that. Personally, I can look at photos of gross and gory make up from horror movies all day long, but the second I know a wound is real, it turns my stomach and I can’t look at it, so I understand having an aversion that you don’t want to see. But it’s also the Internet, and it’s impossible to tag for everything that might upset someone. I post a lot of photos of my dogs, but to someone who was attacked by a dog and now has an understandable trauma about canines, my photos would be upsetting. On the other hand, it’s the Internet and there are a ton of puppy photos out there, so I can’t imagine tagging every single one.

    I do try to accommodate when possible because I want to make people comfortable. I planned a trip to a movie recently, one that I knew had a graphic sex scene in it. I warned my asexual friend, who has a strong aversion to seeing that stuff, about it; she was grateful for the warning and went to see a different movie at the same time so we could all go to dinner afterwards. But she also would not have thrown a fit in the theater if she saw it by mistake; she just would have closed her eyes until it was done.

    What do you all think of having to tag every little thing that might upset someone?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I think for me it divides into ‘thing a lot of people might find traumatic or upsetting’ and ‘very individual issue’.

      Moths are in the latter group.

      1. DanaScully*

        I agree. I’ve mentioned before that I have quite an intense phobia of spiders.
        I often unwittingly come across photos of spiders on Facebook that people have found in their homes. Whilst that greatly upsets me, I can’t expect people to know that, or to not post them. I hide the photo and move on.

        On the other hand, earlier today I came across a graphic photo on Facebook of an injured child in a war zone. This photo was in the middle of an album and there was no content warning in the text above the album. In this case I feel that there definitely should have been a tag or warning.

      2. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Agreed. I can’t take the preferences and phobias of the entire Internet into account every time I post anything. I’ll warn for generally upsetting content like gruesome violence or very explicit sex, but I’m not going to warn for individual issue-type things.

      3. Sylvan*

        I agree. I used to be firmly in the “warn for everything!!” camp, but I don’t think it’s possible to warn for every existing issue, or to manage others’ reactions that much. Now I try to be considerate about the content that I post or bring up in person, give people a heads-up if I know they want one, and otherwise trust them to take care of themselves.

    2. Bu*

      I think it’s reasonable for someone to ask if tagging a certain thing that is an issue for them would be possible. Maybe it is, maybe the blogger doesn’t want to, or can’t guarantee they’ll remember or whatever so they say no. But there’s no harm in asking, where I’m concerned, and if the blogger says yes, the reader gets to read and the blogger keeps a reader. If they say no, the reader can make an informed decision on whether to keep reading.

      Of course you can’t tag for everything that someone might be upset or triggered by. But when it’s a specific request like that, I don’t see any harm in asking. I have a couple of followers who’ve asked me to tag certain things on Tumblr, and I’m happy to oblige.

      1. Brand New Day*

        Except she’s a popular writer with a lot of readers (like thousands; she’s a fairly famous writer and equally popular blogger) and has gotten requests like this before. Her response to the moth-reader was a very polite ‘I try to tag things that are upsetting, and I’ll do my best to remember your request, but in actuality I can’t remember every tag that upsets my audience’.

        Like I said, I know to avoid the topic of sex around my asexual friend. But that’s one friend with a very specific request. If in my group of friends, Sarah needs to avoid sex, Sam is afraid of food with eyes, Bob is afraid of driving at night, Matt is allergic to cats, Georgia is a vegan and against meat in all forms, that’s a lot to remember for people who I really care about, much less dozens of requests from nameless and faceless Internet readers.

        Even those Halloween/horror make up blogs I follow only tag for extreme stuff like excessive gore. They’re straight up scary stuff and they can’t tag for everything that might scare someone who comes across their sites.

        And yes, no harm in asking but I can’t imagine being that writer who receives so many different requests like that. But it’s similar to how I feel about people who attack those who are supporting diversity, just not in the specific way they want. This same author featured a genderfluid character, who changed their dress, mannerisms, and pronouns on a daily basis. Many of her reads praised her for this character, but there was a group who said ‘Yeah, you’ve done this genderfluid character, but you haven’t done a gender neutral character. When are you going to get around to that? What do you have against gender neutrality that you haven’t written it yet?’

        You can’t please everyone all the time, especially on the Net, and I don’t understand why those who try but can’t cover every single instance because that’s downright impossible get attacked for it.

        1. fposte*

          But it doesn’t sound like the moth reader threw a fit–she just asked. Would I have asked? Probably not. But we’re in a transitional place with tags and warnings and there’s no clear agreement on whether there are absolute requirements and what they are. I don’t think it’s unacceptable to ask, and I don’t think it’s unacceptable to say no.

          I think there’s another issue you’re discussing that overlaps on this but isn’t entirely the same, which is to what extent we can expect an individual piece of media to serve all our wishes and requirements. And I agree with you there that it’s always easier to tell other people what they should include than to create your own stuff, when creating your own stuff is the best response.

        2. teclatrans*

          Just briefly, she is one of my most favorite writers too and has amazing book readings and even her other-name stuff is great, and I am happy to meet a fellow fan. The end.

    3. Turtlewings*

      I don’t think one reader asking one blogger they follow to tag for moths is any kind of society-wide commentary, honestly. I’m assuming the reader was polite about it. I’m sure they realize full well that their phobia is unusual, moths are not obviously upsetting like gore, suicide, etc. so if they need that content tagged, they’re gonna have to ask for it. They’re not ranting about “why doesn’t everyone I follow tag their darn moths,” they’re asking one particular blog they follow, who seems likely to have more moths at some point if they post a lot of nature, to provide her with warning so she can avoid something she finds upsetting. The blogger would be within her rights to say “I’m sorry, realistically I don’t think I’ll remember to do that” or some polite version of “No, I really can’t be bothered.” But I don’t think it’s rude to ask, it’s not like tagging is a difficult thing to do.

      You have an asexual friend who would have been upset by the sex scene, so you warned about the sex scene. If you had a friend who got migraines whenever she was around perfume, you would surely refrain from wearing perfume around her. The sight of a moth upsets this reader and causes her pain. She’s not asking the blogger not to post moths, nor would she have any right to, as it’s not her blog. She’s just asking for a tag, so she can continue to follow the blog but avoid the pain of the moth.

      I feel like it’s just courtesy? If you know you’re going to be “in the room” with someone who’s terrified of moths, warn them about the moth, or at least let them know they can’t count on you warning them about the moth. Of course you can’t anticipate all the things someone might need tags/warnings for, and I don’t think anyone’s expecting you to, except maybe the obvious ones you listed. But there’s really no reason not to tag for something if someone has politely asked you to.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Yeah, but imagine trying to do that for 100,000 followers.

        Since insects of all kinds are a common phobia, if it were me, I’d probably just tag it “INSECT PICS,” especially if I often posted photos of butterflies, moths, mantises, or other crawlies.

      2. fposte*

        I think there are plenty of reasons not to tag for someone, though. I don’t think they’re wrong for asking, but I completely understand saying no.

      3. TL -*

        Tagging and remembering to tag what and where and why can be a lot of work. I think most places have generally warned/noted things that are usually graphic beyond the normal content – a theater that only plays horror wouldn’t warn for It but a theater that plays mostly children’s movie probably would.
        But tagging is like accommodating diets – the larger the crowd, the bigger the effort and often the least payoff for the person doing the work. I’m very invested in my best friend enjoying food I prepare. I’m much less invested in guest #59 out of 200 enjoying it.

      4. Safetykats*

        I think we generally try to remember and account for our friends’ preferences or issues. Although when we don’t, our friends are mostly quite polite about it. My husband sent some lovely trout he smoked himself to his family at Christmas. Although it turns out his sister doesn’t like smoked fish (which he knew but I did not) she thanked us and told us how much everyone else enjoyed it. Next time I will try to remember to send something specifically for her – but she didn’t ask us to do that.

        The thing that gets me about people asking for specific changes or accommodations on authors’ or artists’ blogs or FB pages is that they aren’t friends, and might not even be customers. So it seems less like hoping your sister-in-law remembers that you don’t like smoked trout, and more like walking into a restaurant and asking them to keep the smoked trout away from your table. It’s nice that the author responded so politely, but I think she’s not got any obligation to go out of her way to cater to one fan, unless for some reason that specific fan is pretty important to her.

      5. Wendy Darling*

        I think all any of us can do is try, but people also have to be realistic about people’s ability to comply. If you’re a blogger with many thousands of followers and you post something including a photo of a moth maybe once every 18 months, your ability to remember to tag photos of moths because one person asked is gonna be spotty — it just doesn’t come up that much.

        I’m really lucky that my phobia does not come up a lot — I am terrified and disgusted by broken bones or teeth, and damage being done to bones/teeth in general. Fortunately it’s pretty easy to avoid those things (except when some jerk leaves your TV on the local access channel owned by a university that inexplicably shows videos of surgeries all day — why does that channel exist and what kind of maniac just leaves the TV turned to it and then turns it off???), but I pretty much consider it my problem to deal with them as best I can. I suppose I’d probably feel differently if I had a phobia to something common, or if my phobia was more severe. The one time it REALLY impacted my life was when I was doing research moderation and a woman with super messed up teeth came in. Because of the context of what I was doing I basically had to watch her talk for an hour, and I was kind of a wreck afterwards — this was how my work team found out I had a broken-teeth phobia.

    4. neverjaunty*

      I think when you phrase the question that way, you’ve kinda already decided on the answer?

      1. Brand New Day*

        Yeah, fair point! I really do want to accommodate people, I’m a people pleaser at heart, but I guess my frustration comes from seeing requests for this stuff all the time. If I avoided everything that I’d ever seen people only ask to be not talked about or at the very least tagged, I’d have nothing to talk about. So to see someone on the blog of a writer who is well known for her photos of nature and animals ask to tag a very specific thing that one would expect to see into those nature/animal photos, frustrates me. Feels like asking a dessert blog to tag all chocolate items because you’re allergic to chocolate.

        Sorry, didn’t mean to bring my frustration to the forefront, guess my thoughts got away from me.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          Do you see it all the time though? Really?

          I ask because I spend a lot of time online and I don’t see this all the time. It’s possibly talked about more than it actually happens.

          1. neverjaunty*

            I think it’s that typical exaggeration people do when they feel strongly about something. It’s emotionally simpler, for some reason, to complain about something happening everywhere all the time instead of saying “I find this very offensive and have a lot of feelings about it.”

            1. Fiennes*

              I run a Tumblr with many, many followers, and you can in fact get a ton of these. And while I did my best to oblige in the beginning, once you have upwards of 15-20 tag requests for stuff that isn’t generally considered upsetting — you do have to let some thing slide.

              1. neverjaunty*

                Sure, there’s nothing wrong with declining those requests. But “I see it everywhere these days” != “I get a lot of these for my site”.

          2. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

            I think it depends on where on the Internet you frequent, too. I see a lot of this on Tumblr and in a Facebook group I follow that tags incredibly weird things, less of it on the rest of Facebook and on Twitter.

    5. Temperance*

      I actually don’t support tagging everything that might upset someone, but I think major triggers (rape, suicide, death, violence, etc.) should be tagged.

    6. Earthwalker*

      Maybe I’m old school but it seems to me that you shouldn’t have to protect everyone from seeing everything that might bother them. Spiders are my phobia and I hate seeing them even online. (The other day I had to touch the black widow photo to scroll it off my view – eeuw!) But since no one can protect me from actual spiders it hardly seems worthwhile to demand that the whole world go out of its way to protect me from virtual ones. Certain content is inappropriate for children and should not be easily available to them, and hate-focused content that might incite others to hate-focused action should not be online, and so on, but when it gets to the “I know this is interesting to others but I really really don’t like that” content, I think the viewer should be responsible for navigating away and shaking it off.

      1. neverjaunty*

        Consider that many people don’t want to needlessly upset others, and would prefer to spend a few seconds letting folks know about content that has a good chance of being upsetting?

      3. Pollygrammer*

        Looking at pictures of nature and getting upset because you’re seeing something that exists in nature is absurd.

        1. neverjaunty*

          Why? There are some pretty terrible and sometimes upsetting things in nature. Someone who enjoys beautiful sunset or pictures of tiger cubs isn’t being hypocritical for not wanting to watch videos of a predator tearing apart a shrieking rabbit.

          I guess I’m just not following the sentiment that a polite request – as opposed to an outraged demand – is some sort of morally reprehensible showing that people nowadays lack internal fortitude.

          1. paul*

            Morally reprehensible is a strong way to phrase the sentiment I’m seeing expressed here–I’m seeing a lot more that’s basically the equivalent of a mental eye roll than outrage.

    7. Triplestep*

      Your example of warning a friend about something you knew would upset her (graphic sex scene) doesn’t really apply to your question. There’s no way a blogger, author, etc, is going to be able to account for things that upset an audience they do not know personally.

      This morning I came across a Facebook page of a someone in city politics that was full of useful information. I thought I would “join” or “follow” or whatever, but then found photos she posted after she’d fallen during a run – torn pants and scraped up, bloodied elbow. My first thought was “this doesn’t belong on a politician’s page!” (I also don’t like seeing photos of wounds) and then I realized, this was her *personal* FB page. There does not seem to be one just for her political role. Oh well. I guess I will miss out on all that useful information she posts because I don’t care to see wound photos mixed in. It would never occur to me to ask her not to post them!

    8. fposte*

      Subsequent thoughts: I’ve worked in book reviewing for a long time, and variants of this question have been around for print stuff in decades. What’s changing to some extent is that the requests are more public than they used to be for print (even then, we knew that journals that printed letters got a lot more of such requests than those that didn’t), and that the democratization of production means that more people are producing stuff and therefore getting such requests, even if they don’t identify as professionals or content creators and are sometimes startled to essentially be asked to change what they do in their diaries.

    9. Book Lover*

      Oh, we follow the same person! Yes, I noticed that, and the reasonable response that the more she has to tag for, the less likely she is going to be able to do it.

    10. Not That Jane*

      Agree with others who say there are highly individual phobias that you just can’t always predict in advance or warn someone about! For instance, I have a friend who has an intense, panicky fear of cats. Obviously, knowing that, I won’t be sending her a cute cat video online… but for folks who don’t know that about her, or for random Internet strangers posting pictures, it’s not realistic for them to provide that content warning given that cats are not terrifying to most people.

      1. Wendy Darling*

        Man, the internet must be HARD if you’re afraid of cats. The internet is like 40% porn, 40% cats, and 20% everything else.

    11. New Bee*

      I agree with what other people have said about intense content vs. someone’s specific fear, and I think a descriptive title can usually cover the bases. So for example, if the post is called “A Walk in the Woods,” then I don’t get people complaining about pictures of squirrels. But if it’s called “What I Did Today” and there are pictures of roadkill, I can see why people would complain. (Sometimes having pictures not show until the click-through/after an intro paragraph can also help.)

    12. LilySparrow*

      I think specialized tags like that are relational. If the requester is a longtime, highly engaged participant who the blogger recognizes as a positive contributor to the community, maybe it’s worth catering to her a bit. But I still wouldn’t consider it obligatory, by any means.
      An unusual request like that out of the blue from a “drive by” commenter? Nah.

    13. paul*

      I mean, if you have a phobia of a common animal and you’re following a blog that’s got a lot of photos of animals…I feel like that’s just kind of a chance you’re taking?

      I feel like a blog is also different than a personal relationship; I can’t take anything that might offend or scare any random person, but if I know my friend Joe has a strong aversion to X, and that X is present in a book or movie we’re seeing with a group, sure I’d give them a heads up. Because that’s me helping a specific person avoid a specific thing, not me trying to warn anyone and everyone about anything that someone out there might have problems with.

  25. New Bee*

    Spurred by road trip questions my husband and I found last week: how have your experiences shaped your thoughts on age in relation to life milestones?

    The question from the list said, “What’s the right age to get married?” We got married in our mid-twenties, which is considered “young” by lots of folks we encounter where we live now (Bay Area). But I grew up in the Midwest and went to religious schools (including university), so “young married” to me is 18-22. Same with kids–my mom had me mid-twenties, while my husband’s mom had 2 kids in her mid-40s, so our perceptions of family relationships (nephews, grandparents, etc.) started out completely different. (His mom is only 4 years younger than my grandmother, and some of his older nephews were more like brothers.)

    Also, I have several former high school students with kids around my kid’s age (3 within ~3 months), and it was interesting to see the lifting of the teen pregnancy taboo once they graduated–all of them had kids at 19 or 20, which felt incredibly young to me (I had my first at 27.)

    1. Kj*

      My parents were married at 22, I got married at 29. I was “young” to get married for my liberal city, but back home in the conservative south, I was an old maid at 29. In fact, my aunt assumed my husband had been married before, as someone of my advanced years (28 when we announced the engagement) could not have possibly gotten a man who had never been married! That was 3 years ago too.

      I think generational norms have changed. On one side of the family, I’m the second youngest cousin, but the only one to be married. On the other side of the family, I’m in the middle of the cousins, age-wise, and only my oldest cousin and me are married.

    2. Puertorriqueña*

      I’ve thought about this somewhat a lot. I’ve ultimately decided that there isn’t such a thing as a “right” age to get married, or have kids, and I don’t like when people judge others for waiting or not waiting to do those things. All that matters are your life goals, and you do your best to have the milestones happen in accordance with your goals. Much easier said than done, of course. I know that there are statistics that suggest marriages happening before ~25 are more likely to end in divorce, but it’s not like being older automatically guarantees a good marriage.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        My general observation is that early marriages tend to be more common when people settle into their adult roles at a young age, and more problematic otherwise. So my cousins, who live in small towns and start working right after high school, or at most a one or two year technical program, tended to marry in their early 20s at the latest, often to someone they’ve been dating for a while, and settle in the area. So by their mi-20’s they’ve been married a few years, and are established financially, have loads of family support around, and quite ready for kids.

        On the other hand, I’ve seen friends marry young, then head off to university, living in a radically different environment than they grew up in, meeting a wide variety of new people and experiences, and had the marriage collapse because during that process, they turned into very different people, in part because of their new experiences. And if you’re doing a degree, followed by grad school or internships, by your mid-20s, you’re still broke, either still in school or just starting to earn money and are living far away from family, and possibly in a long distance relationship, having kids is likely to be put off five or ten years until it’s practical and doesn’t mean abandoning your career.

        For kids, I think it comes down to whether someone has the emotional and mental maturity to raise them, and the financial/life resources to afford them. I don’t think sixteen year olds in general have that. Some people do in their early twenties, some people never do.

      2. SeekingBetter*

        I completely agree. There really is no “right” age to get married and/or have kids. Since I’m a single 35-year-old female not in any LTRs at the moment, I get judged all of the time by people. I hate that. I work, help out friends and family, volunteer for good causes, and take care of myself and don’t abuse drugs and alcohol and I know people are thinking “well, there’s something wrong because she isn’t married yet.” No, it’s because any LTR I had in the past didn’t form into marriage or anything like that. And just because a couple is married doesn’t mean their relationship is healthy or good. I see too many people in bad marriages.

        1. Almost Violet Miller*

          As a recently single woman in her late 20s, I absolutely agree with you. It’s just too often assumed that being in a relationship equals being happy and fulfilled.

        2. Wendy Darling*

          You can come hang out in my social circle, where getting married before your late 20s is, like, scandalously young. We’re mostly current or former academics so most of my friends were in school or doing postdocs or trying to wrangle a career change into their late 20s or early 30s.

          I’m 35 and in a LTR but not married and no one bats an eyelash.

    3. matcha123*

      My main age-related milestone was graduating university, which I always pictured as doing by 21. I was a 5th year senior and graduated at 22.
      When I was a kid, I thought if I were to have kids, I’d want to have them at a younger age, say around 25. But as I got older, I thought that 25 was too young to throw my life away.
      I also grew up in the midwest, but in a university town and people didn’t really push marriage and kids by a certain age as a life path. For other things like marriage or buying a house, they never really entered my mind as something I needed to do and I never had pressure to do them.

        1. matcha123*

          When you spend your childhood taking care of your family financially and sacrificing free time to work, having a kid before 25 (or in general) really equates to throwing one’s life away :x

    4. Temperance*

      I’m from a low-income, rural area, and now live in the suburb of a major city. My childhood friends all have multiple kids, including teenagers, and we’re all around 35. My friends now might have one kid. My childhood friends are either divorced and remarried or never married, whereas my current friends are either newly married or never married.

      Booth and I are the outliers. We dated for a long time and cohabitated before getting married. We’ve been married for 4 years and we are 34.

    5. Ramona Flowers*

      I went to university late and got married in my 30s because of some life shit. So I can’t really relate to this idea of when you’re supposed to do something. Life happens however it happens.

      1. Bibliovore*

        I’m with you. There is no right time. And the expectation of by the time I am thirty this will happen is a resentment waiting to happen.

        I didn’t find my profession until I was 32 with many, many, many false starts. I didn’t reach my stride until around 39.

        1. fposte*

          I was really fortunate that my parents were late bloomers on every level, so I didn’t have that early self-knowledge model to push against.

        2. Relosa*

          I needed to see that, thank you. I’m 30 with a crap job in my main field with a ton of sputters the past few years professionally. I’m finally figuring out what I actually want to be doing and I know it will take awhile to get there.

      2. Muriel Heslop*

        Agree. I think you get married when you find someone you want to get married to and the thought of your future together doesn’t foresee only divorce. (I was 38.)

      3. Elizabeth H.*

        It’s definitely true that life happens when it happens and that setting goals of when something is “supposed” to happen doesn’t help anything.

        However! This is something I struggle with immensely. I turned 30 a few months ago. I do want to be married and have kids and my own family. I really, really wanted to be married and have started having kids by now. I originally wanted to do this by my late twenties, but at the time I realized that that wasn’t where my life was and was okay with pushing the timeline a few years later. And clearly now I’m looking at an even later timeline because I’m not in a serious relationship and don’t even want to be right now (I had a really difficult 2016-2017 and am just recently back on track with actually feeling like myself). One of the especially frustrating things about this to me is that I feel like I’m not allowed to be disappointed about not being further along in my life goals, because being 30 is “so young,” everyone is getting married late and having kids later, it’s normal to marry late, we should have knowledge that everything happens when it happens and not to rush things, and so forth. I feel like the culture has changed so much that I’m not allowed to have these feelings and not allowed to wish I were married. This may be specific to my social/cultural group (college & grad school educated, big Northeastern city, lots of people working in tech, etc.) but it’s definitely the way the culture feels to me. my parents got married really late in life, 39 and 44, and had me that year, which was incredibly unusual for the time. I know that it worked out great in their case and that tons of people marry and have kids late and it works out great, but having seen it with my parents, I just never wanted that for myself – I always wanted to be much closer in age to my own kids and get to enjoy feeling more in step with other parents, with having young children, have more of my life ahead of me, more time with my kids as adults, all of that. It makes me worried and sad to think that this might not be possible and also I feel bad like I can’t talk about it with anybody because they will think I’m crazy for worrying, tell me I’m so young and have plenty of time, should be focused on my career, be independent and not even want to get married. I AM focused on my career and very independent but I also want to have a family.

        1. fposte*

          That’s a really good point. I think one problem is that people really don’t want to fall into the kneejerk “Oh, you poor single person” old cliché either, but I think it makes it hard to leave space for people just to say “I thought my life would be different, and I’m afraid I won’t get the things that it seemed reasonable to expect I would” when it comes to relationships. That’s a statement we mostly allow when it comes to midlife crises and therapy, but it doesn’t get a lot of room elsewhere.

          So I’m sorry your track isn’t where you’d like, I hope you find more people willing to hear you, and I hope your track takes you to a satisfying destination eventually.

          1. Elizabeth H.*

            Thank you fposte! Yes, I definitely think part of it is that people are conscious of and don’t want to play into the “poor single person” trope. I definitely don’t want to play into that either – there are lots of things I love and appreciate about being single (and I’ve been in a few serious relationships so I have something to contrast with and feel I can make a conscious choice about it) and I’ve always been totally at ease being the single person among many partnered friends. I think that encouragements to appreciate being single and de-emphasize the importance of partnership are often coming from a good place, but can almost tip over into stigmatizing in the opposite direction.

        2. matcha123*

          For someone like me, who is only a little older than you are, I have a hard time understanding WHY you would have such a strong desire to get married and have kids. You said you want your own family, but aren’t your parents (and any other family members) YOUR family?
          When I was in university and getting down because I’d never dated, I realized that it wasn’t that I couldn’t get a boyfriend, it was that I actively excluding men who would have dated me, but I felt no connection with. If your goal is merely to get married and have kids, it’s easy enough to go out (or online) and fine some random dude who you may or may not have a connection with, get married and have kids.
          However, that won’t guarantee your happiness. People in the past got married earlier because their life choices were severely limited. It may seem scary to have so many more choices, but it seems better than the alternative of rushing into marriage and having kids due to some arbitrary number.

          1. Elizabeth H.*

            This is such a weird comment to me! I posted expressing some frustration I’ve been feeling, that it seems to me that people aren’t willing to hear or take seriously someone my age express a wish to get married and have children, and you literally replied to me “Why would you want to get married and have kids?”

            Just to respond anyway, I’m incredibly close to my parents, my best friend and her husband & extended family are like family to me, I have a half-brother and SIL I’m close to and of course they’re my family. I don’t get why that has any bearing on having children – are you not allowed to want to have children if you already have other relatives?! For what it’s worth, I’m an only child and I think that contributes to my wanting to have husband/kids – to have more people I’m related to to be close with and share my life with. And more generally, you wrote “You said you want your own family, but aren’t your parents (and any other family members) YOUR family?” I’m lucky to be close to my parents, but there are many people who either don’t have family they’re close to, or have had a difficult relationship with their parents/other relatives and that is part of a motivation to marry/have children in order to have a positive experience of having a family. I think this is very natural.
            I don’t see “openness to different choices in life” and “rushing into marriage” as binary options. I’m not frustrated that I can’t find some random guy off the street who wants to settle down, I want to find someone I’ll be happy with. (And not settle down :)

        3. New Bee*

          Thanks for sharing this. I have a few friends (and my sister, at one point), in the same boat and it always sucks to hear, “You shouldn’t care!” when your honest response is, “Well, I do!” And you don’t need a “good” reason to want things when you want them–marriage is a valid life goal* and creating a timeline for yourself makes sense the same way lots of people have a timeline for graduating college based on what they want out of life.

          *I notice this is where my fellow WOC and my White female friends differ, in terms of our perspective on traditional female roles and self-empowerment, and I wonder if that’s reflected here.

          1. Elizabeth H.*

            Your asterisked comment is really interesting to me – I’d love to hear more of your thoughts on potential differing perspectives on female roles and self-empowerment, if you happen to see this comment.

            1. New Bee*

              I hope you come back! A good example would be some White feminists’ response to Michelle Obama calling herself “Mom-in-Chief.” Historically Black women have had to take care of White people’s kids, so it’s radical and powerful for MO to explicitly say her most important job is her girls. But viewed through the middle-class White lens of 50’s nostalgia, some people called her statement disempowering.

              Similarly, some WOC see shared surnames/taking their husband’s name as subverting the stereotypes of us having lots of kids with different daddies, yada yada, and it spurs a sense of pride in creating a family unit. So it’s frustrating to hear “every woman who takes her husband’s last name is blinded by the patriarchy” (also bound up in this is the legacy of slavery and families having their master’s name, being separated and sold, etc.)

              1. Elizabeth H.*

                Thanks for sharing! I have heard similar ideas before, I thought this might be what you were alluding to.

        4. Snargulfuss*

          I very much identify with this Elizabeth. I feel like being single in your thirties can be very much like being a mom to young children, i.e. you can do no right, and everyone has advice for you. If you’re happy being single you’re too independent, too into your career, not attractive to men. If you express the desire to get married and have kids you’re warned against being too desperate. If you’re trying to find a long term relationship you’re advised that it will happen when you least expect it, but if you stay home too many Friday nights in a row you need to put yourself out there more. The list of contradicting advice and judgments goes on and on!

          Like you, I would love to find a good man that I love and want to spend my life with. I’m also worried about fertility or feeling like I’d have to start trying to get pregnant as soon as I got married (even though I’d rather wait for a year to enjoy being a married couple….but fertility). I hate being judged about why I’m still single and I hate people telling me how easy my life is because I don’t have kids or how sad it is because I don’t have a husband/kids. I try not to talk about my marital status at all because I’m always going to say the “wrong” thing (according to someone else).

          Anyway, no answers, but all of that rambling is to say I get it.

          1. Elizabeth H.*

            It is so nice to hear that someone else relates to what I wrote! I could not agree more, there are so many ways you’re supposed to think or feel especially “it’ll happen when you least expect it.” You definitely took the words right out of my mouth in terms of worrying about fertility and pressures of the hypothetical decision to try to have kids right away or not. I really want (wanted?? Who knows?!?) to be able to take a while to enjoy being married without having kids first and regardless of the fact that it’s scientifically possible to have kids later and later, and that it’s quite possible to have kids at a more advanced age even without scientific intervention, I feel like the margin is shrinking.

    6. Enough*

      My family was all over the place. I believe the right age is what works for you; same as when to have children. My parents and in laws were a little older than normal for their generation. In laws were post WW2 and my parents were post college with my mom 4 years older than my dad. Hubby and I were 29 and 28 and had known each other for 8 years but never a couple til we got engaged. Sister #1 was more the norm, married at 22, husband 23, met at college. Sister #2 was 19 the first time and 27 the second, both husbands were about a decade older. Brother #1 married at 23 to very pregnant girlfriend. Brother#2 was 24 and wife 2 1/2 yrs older.

    7. Earthwalker*

      The right age to get married should be when two people understand more about how to build a solid marriage and bring up healthy children than they know about how to throw a wedding. IMHO our US divorce rate is high because so many people marrying haven’t thought much about their marriage beyond sinless sex and a princess wedding. A few very young people are really mature but many need more time to consider what marriage and parenthood are about – the joys and the challenges – before they consider the wedding.

      1. Enough*

        My youngest (22) commented yesterday that she didn’t get all these people she knew getting engaged after 3 months of dating.

      3. Ramona Flowers*

        Can’t have kids for health reasons. Good to know this means I shouldn’t have bothered getting married…

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          In the 21st century there are still ignoramuses who define marriage as worthless until/unless it brings BABIES?! People can be amazingly uninformed, tactless, self-righteous, and narrow-minded. As if the happy co-existence of Spouses A and B (or Domestic Partners A and B) isn’t enough in itself?! Whether by choice or chance, living child-free does not negate one’s status as a full-fledged person.

          Grrr. At least these folks identify themselves so you know whom to avoid in future.

        2. Sylvan*

          Probably won’t be marrying a man, definitely won’t be having kids. I thought marriage was about commitment to the person you love.

        3. Former Employee*

          I didn’t see where anyone said you shouldn’t get married if you aren’t going to have kids.

          However, it’s probably a good idea to make sure that the other party will be likely to stick around, married or not, if you (as in one, not you, personally) decide to have kids.

          Myself, been married – no kids.

        4. Earthwalker*

          I didn’t mean to suggest that. I’m also married and have no kids and no plans. I’m still a little shocked at people who think that you mustn’t get married unless you plan on kids.

        5. Jean (just Jean)*

          I was responding to RF’s comment which I assumed was sarcasm directed at anyone who thinks marriage = meaningless w/out progeny. In other words I was _strongly_ agreeing with RF that marriage is not just for folks who want to be, and then become, parents.
          Next time around I will try to use positive language to defend my position, rather than use negative language to disparage a different viewpoint. I regret that I leaped straight from disagreement into disrespect.

          Earthwalker, please accept my apologies for being rude.

          1. Jean (just Jean)*

            Reading comprehension fail–I didn’t see Earthwalker’s Jan. 7, 1:36 pm comment until after posting mine of Jan. 7, 1102 pm.

            I’ll see myself out…

      4. Fake old Converse shoes*

        This. A childhood friend got married after a year of relationship with her long distance boyfriend. We all thought it was too strange and too rushed.

      5. New Bee*

        Cant tell if the responses are supposed to be snarky, but I didn’t read Earthwalker’s post as saying marriage = children. If it needs to be said, my general disclaimer on this post is that it did invite people to share their personal experiences, and doing so doesn’t imply judgment of people who do differently. Be cool, ya’ll.

      6. Bibliovore*

        two people understand more about how to build a solid marriage and

        Perhaps you misspoke. Understanding how to build a solid marriage from my point of view took about 10 to 15 years. Are there resources that you could point those thinking about that step?

        bring up healthy children than they know about how to throw a wedding. – perhaps this is sarcasm or hyperbole. Were you suggesting that people who cannot or don’t want to have children should not get married?

        1. Earthwalker*

          Certainly not, and thank you for pointing out my lack of clarity. I’m married and don’t plan on kids. I only meant that if one does plan to be a parent, one should have some idea what that entails. I’ve met teens who had babies because babies are so cute but who had not yet matured enough to be even somewhat responsible for those young lives. I know people who had lovely weddings and divorced within a couple months. No sarcasm intended in pointing out that a lot of girls know more about perfect weddings than they do about maintaining a good marriage. Not that any of us knows all about what we’re getting into when we marry (or have kids, I’m sure), but our culture puts more focus on the milestone than the journey, to the detriment of many young people.

    8. AnotherAlison*

      I got married at 19, and my husband was 22. We had a baby before we got married. This was obviously young (20 yrs ago) but not for my family or his. My cousins all got married in their early 20s, so it didn’t seem too weird. Some of my friends got married right out of college and had kids soon after. Other friends got married in their 30s and had kids a couple years ago.

      For us, the young marriage worked. We were immature but we stuck together while we grew up. I graduated college when I was 21, bought a house at 22, finished my masters at 25, and had our second kid at 26. We hit all the milestones early. It is weird, but I am looking forward to being an empty nester in my late 40s and having plenty of money to do what we want. : )

      1. Reba*

        Recently I heard therapist/author Esther Perel describe two relationship models as Cornerstone and Capstone. Cornerstone you get the relationship set and then build your life on, while capstone you add to the top when you’ve got all your life stuff figured out. She said that she is seeing capstone as the favored style for people these days. I admire some of the “cornerstones” I know (though for others it hasn’t worked out). My spouse and I married at 27/29, we got together at 20/22 and I think we have some of both impulses.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          What do you call it when the cornerstone is rotten?

          I was engaged in my early 20s. He was abusive and I thank my lucky stars we didn’t get married.

    9. WillyNilly*

      I got married at 36, first kids born at 38. I was a bit on the old side I guess, under ideal conditions I think I would have preferred moving things 5 years younger… but that would have landed me with the guy I was dating 5 years before my husband. I firmly believe I would be divorced in that scenario. My timeline was contingent on finding the right mate not being the right age.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      There is no “right” age to get married.
      It’s unfortunate that this question still gets bandied about. Buried in this question is the concept that “if we do everything perfectly then we will have perfect lives.” No one can do everything perfectly and no one has a perfect life.

      Some day I hope our society will go to the point where this question does not get asked. If two people of any (legal) age are committing to each other (of their own free will), the response should be that of joy. They have a life mate.

      1. New Bee*

        Actually, I disagree. It doesnt necessarily need to be shared publicly, but interrogating our personal archetypes can be an important part of understanding the decisions we make. In certain circles I notice it’s taboo to talk about (and oft-implied that “enlightened” folk don’t care about such things), but we’re only human, and social conditioning is a hell of a thing.

      2. TL -*

        I actually think that the age you get married can greatly affect the life that you have – so in that case, there can be a “right” age to get married and thus talking about when people get married and why that age and how their lives turned out can be really important (beyond just addressing the social conditioning, there’s a legitimacy to the underlying context of the question.)

        For instance, my best friend wanted stability and a family and 2.4 kids and a picket fence. She got married 8 months after we graduated college and has a family w/kiddos and a house and a husband who makes her feel stable and secure.
        I wanted very, very different things, including the ability to pack up my life and move wherever I wanted whenever I wanted and to focus on my career without sacrifice. That combination doesn’t go so well with healthy marriages and so I am single.

        The right age for her was 23. The right age for me is “not yet.” What’s the “right” age to get married? Depends on what you want out of life.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I can whole-heartedly agree with the idea that the ideal time to marry is not matched to age but rather matched to many other variables in this thing called life.

    11. Rookie Manager*

      I was all set to get engaged as soon as I graduated uni, I expected to have a marriage, house and baby by 25. Then I was involved in a horrific RTA before finishing my degree. The associated stress meant I split up with the boyfriend of 4+ years and I had no degree no house, no relationship, no life plan.

      I had to re-evaluate everything as I healed and rebuilt my life. I got a different degree, different relationship, bought a house in an area I’d never considered and witnessed some peers enter abusive marriages. That made me recitant to get married or commit so fully to someone. I’ve been with my incredibly patient partner for a decade and only now are we ready to start thinking about the marriage and potential kids. If neither happens though it will be ok as I am loved and secure. I would not have thought that age 22.

    12. Grace Carrow*

      The question assumes that everyone will have always had the option of marriage. I met my spouse when I was 23. It took 20 years for the law to catch up, and we were finally married on our 20th anniversary. We bought a house together when I was 26, and at the time that was the most that we could do to say that we were committed to a life together.

    13. paul*

      I got married while going to school in the Bible Belt; wife and I were both 21 (this was…uh, 12 years ago this year I think?). We weren’t abnormally young or abnormally old; seemed like a lot of people got married throughout maybe the 20-25, 26ish range? I have seen friends get married for the first time at…I think the oldest I can remember was in her mid 30s at the age of her first marriage.

      Going back on my family, my folks got married pretty young, my mom’s folks did too. Dad’s folks got married late, after his dad got back from WWII. IDK the exact ages though, I think 30ish? Which for the 40s in a small town was probably late. My wife’s parents were each other’s second marriage, back in Ohio 35 or so years ago–her mom is 70 something and her dad is late 60s. I know nothing about their first marriages, dates etc.

      Age of first kids have been all over the map–it isn’t like I’m going to ask details about our friends sex lives so I can’t say if that’s deliberate, problems conceiving, decisions not to have kids at all, etc. We’ve got friends (well, my wife’s closer with them but I used to work with the husband) that’re 30 odd without kids *shrugs*. Have friends that had their first within 18 months of the wedding when they were very early 20s too.

    14. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      I’ve been thinking about this a lot! I’m 22, in my last year at a liberal college. While I have no intention of getting married for a while, I have been in a relationship for a long time that I feel really good about, and honestly I would love for us to marry eventually. I don’t know anyone else who feels the same way– I have a cousin who got married at 18 and has two kids, but most people in my circle don’t even want to be in a relationship, let alone thinking about marriage.

      As other commenters have suggested, I think it really depends on how ready you feel to tie your life to another person, and how confident you feel in your own life. In my situation, I love my person a lot, but I don’t feel ready to tie together our living situation, finances, families, etc. I like that I can kind of waffle and make mistakes and figure myself out without worrying about how it’s going to affect someone else practically. But I also don’t think I want to wait until my thirties to tie the knot. But also…who knows what’s going to happen (??) (Seriously, who knows? Please email me if you know).

    15. ANon*

      Very late to the game here, but this is such an apt question!

      Fiance and I recently got engaged – we’re both mid-20s. Honestly, I think your perspective on the “right” time to get married is so, so heavily dependent on your geographical location. Fiance was ready to get engaged when we were in our early 20s. Fiance is also from the Midwest, where people marry earlier. His friends from high school started getting engaged/married right after graduating college (20 – 22), and by now some even have kids. I’m from east coast and not a single one of my high school friends is married. HS friends and I are nowhere near wanting kids.

      Sometimes when I think about it, being married by my mid 20s still feels very young to me. To him, it feels fine. Just a difference on perspective and based on what we grew up with.

      1. New Bee*

        I’m also from the Midwest, and I agree. Even things like how long an engagement should be very wildly. (I know several people with multi-year engagements where I live now and that wouldn’t be considered “engaged” back home.)

  26. Caring for a friend*

    I have a friend whose partner is suddenly very sick in the hospital. I wanted to drop off some food/a care package but it has to be something that doesn’t need to be refrigerated as it’s unlikely we can actually meet. She’s not into sweet things so cookies are out. Any ideas?

    1. Caro in the UK*

      Cheese, crackers and chutneys or pickles? Like a cheeseboard that she can nibble on without having to make a meal?

    3. Temperance*

      I was super sick in 2016, and friends of mine dropped off random food on our porch for Booth. It was super cold out, so no issues with temperature control.

      I think the absolute BEST thing you can do is drop off toilet paper, a roll or 2 of paper towels, and some nice snacks like crackers and cereal.

      1. Emalia*

        Can you get a cooler? When someone in my parents’ community is sick, they put together a calendar of who is responsible for leaving food in the cooler on the porch.

        When my dad was sick, I met people on the porch who were dropping off food. While I was happy to see them in other contexts, this particular type of interaction of receiving food was incredibly difficult. I was a teenager at the time and frequently took offense to the things people said to try to convey encouragement. I think it’s great your are trying to problem solve meeting your friend’s needs and not expecting her to be at home.

    4. Kathenus*

      I’ve had great success with giving nature sound/white noise machines to people in the hospital. I’ve done it with several friends and all remarked how much nicer it made their stay to mask some of the hospital sounds.

    5. Kuododi*

      I would probably also go with some kind of cheese/meat tray. I’d probably pass on any kind of nut combination unless I was dead sure my friend had no allergies.

    6. Laura*

      What about some kind of savory pastry? They can usually withstand being at room temperature for a long time. Something like spanakopita or empanadas. I’d steer clear of meat because of potential spoilage issues, but there are lots of veggie savory pastries. Frittata could also withstand a good amount of time at room temperature. Tomatoes are acidic enough that they actually keep food from spoiling when left at room temp for a long time, so something like lasagna or a tomato-based pasta bake should be okay at room temp for far longer than you’d normally keep it there.

      Also, bread and most fruit would be perfectly fine without refrigeration (I store both on the counter anyway). You could give a nice jam and some peanut butter with the bread so she can make herself pbj sandwiches to bring to the hospital.

  27. Puertorriqueña*

    Hey guys, I’m a long-time reader but have never commented. Love this community.

    I recently met someone who is absolutely wonderful; he treats me wonderfully, constantly compliments me, makes me laugh a lot; he’s so great! When we first kissed, it was quite a turn-off to be honest; he kind of kisses like a cat lapping up milk, with the tongue going in and out for brief intervals. I’ve read various advice websites, some saying to tell him, not tell him, lead him, and I’m not sure what’s really the best advice. Some people have said that they just walk away if the kiss is bad, but I really don’t want to do that. Thanks guys!

    2. Triplestep*

      This was me, 18 years ago when I first started kissing the guy I’m now happily married to :-) (And cat lapping milk is a good description.) I did kind of what neverjaunty is suggesting – I didn’t frame it as “you’re a bad kisser” but “looks like we like different things”. In the middle of kissing, I said “we need to come to a consensus about kissing”. Yes, I really said it that way! But he’s a nice, nerdy guy so it was appropriate – your mileage may vary. At any rate, it worked and the issue has never some up again. Good luck!

    3. Call me St. Vincent*

      I agree with everyone else. I would frame it as, I would really love if we could try kissing like [insert what you want to happen here]. Or let me show you how I like to kiss and do to him what you want. I think I said that to my husband when we first started dating. He didn’t really open his mouth enough, if that makes sense, but the problem was quickly corrected!

    4. Elizabeth West*

      All this advice is excellent. And being able to discuss what you like re physical affection is a really good skill. First, because what you do with one person doesn’t necessarily translate to the next person–a previous lover may have liked or even taught them cat-lap kisses (or at least, not objected to them). We tend to do what we’re used to doing.

      Second, because gauging their ability to talk about cringey or sensitive stuff in a tactful and constructive way will help you figure out if you’re compatible. Better to see if they can handle feedback or deal with touchy subjects at all now, when it’s just kissing, rather than later when the stakes are higher.

    5. Arjay*

      I think walking away if the kiss is bad mostly applies if the other stuff isn’t spectacular either. I had a first kiss with a guy who just went round and round like he was Roto-Rooter, and it wasn’t worth it to try to train him when we didn’t really have anything special between us. For the right person? Yeah, show them what you prefer and practice, practice, practice!

  28. Fertility Poster*

    I posted a while back about my struggles to get pregnant. I went to the fertility doctor, a month of testing later, I have been diagnosed with PCOS. I’m kind of surprised by this- I don’t have any of the secondary symptoms that people picture when they think “PCOS” but I have two of the needed three primary symptoms.

    Does anyone else here have PCOS and have any advice? I am leery of books about PCOS because they tend to presume you need to diet. I don’t and I have had an eating disorder, so I stay away from any and all dieting books. My doc put me on metformin to “improve my egg quality.” I am healthy other than my PCOS. My husband is supportive, but this diagnosis came out of nowhere and I don’t know what to think or feel about it. And all the advice I get online is about dieting, which is not good for me! Any words of wisdom about dealing with unexpected medical news? I also have to have neck surgery in a month for a mass, so I am tired of doctor visits.

    1. JessicaC*

      Try searching for a NaPro doctor in your area! They specialize in helping women’s cycles stabilize. The book “Taking Charge of your Fertility” is also helpful.

    3. Anon IAS*

      (Anon cause personal stuff.) I’ve re-written this comment like 6 times but I’m going with the ‘short version’. If you want more details or have questions ask away. :) I was diagnosed with PCOS after 12 months of 1) no natural period and 2) not being pregnant. It was a total shock to me as well, I got on the pill at 18 so my OB is pretty sure I’ve had it my entire fertile life, but due to bad doctors all the symptoms and my complaints were ignored. I was put on Clomid (forces ovulation) and after my second round of 100mg was able to get pregnant, I gave birth 2 months ago.
      As to how to deal with the news, I let myself wallow in self pity for a weekend and then that Monday I picked myself up and started doing research. I am going to try to find the articles that were most helpful to me and if I can I’ll comment back on your post with links. The main way I dealt with it was by having a “deadline”. My husband and I decided we were not going to seek treatment past Clomid so I knew that if after 6 doses it didn’t work, I was done. Knowing that I had only X more tries was for some reason comforting to me.
      SN:You say you were put on Metformin to “improve egg quality” but I’ve never heard of Metformin being used for that. Women with PCOS are normally put on Metformin to help keep insulin sensitivity/diabetes under control or at bay, I would get clarification from your doctor on that statement.

      2. anon for medical stuff*

        I’ve got PCOS too, diagnosed while I was in high school. My doc once tried to put me on metformin because of the increased risk of insulin sensitivity/diabetes (especially since it runs in my family), I’ve never heard of it being used for egg quality either. (It didn’t work out because the side effects were so rough on me I couldn’t keep taking it.) But to be fair I’ve been very open about my desire to not have children with all my gynecologists, so maybe it’s never been brought up because they know that I’m not interested in getting pregnant.

      3. Fertility Poster*

        This is helpful! I had a bad eating disorder from 14 (right after the onset of menses) until 19 and after that, I was on BC, so I never really had “normal” periods. The doc refused to put me on Clomid, because I’m ovulating and with clomid, I might over ovulate and we would risk multiples. Which at this point doesn’t sound like the worst thing in the world, to be honest. I did find one study showing metformin helps with conception in women with “lean PCOS” which is the subtype I apparently I have. I’m giving it two months, then will try the next step.

        I like the deadline thing. We have talked about cutting off trying in 6 months and then adopting. We are great candidates to adopt and I’m familiar with the process.

        Thank you and to everyone who is replying!

        1. Anon IAS*

          Since you’re ovulating, has your SO had his sperm quality tested? My OB wrote the referral for my husband to be tested as soon as I was diagnosed with PCOS to make sure we weren’t “fighting two battles”. You may also look into tracking your basal body temperature to be sure you’re ovulating on the days you think you are (if you’re not already tracking that kind of thing).

        2. Observer*

          You REALLY don’t want to deal with multiples, as the risk of a twin pregnancy is not negligible and goes through the roof if you go to triplets or more.

          Metformin tends to help women like you ovulate and also to maintain a pregnancy – PCOS is a risk factor for miscarriage. Also, something that tends to help women with PCOS is exercise, even when there is no weight problem. I’m not talking about extreme but a moderate amount. So, if you aren’t already getting a decent amount of exercise, that’s something to consider.

          Anon IAS is right that it may pay to have your husband tested as well. Something like 20% of diagnosed infertility involves both spouses.

          1. Fertility Poster*

            My husband has been tested, he is fine. But that is a good point.
            As to activity, I’m super active, in fact the doc asked me to cut back, as training for a marathon is not good for getting pregnant either. I’m chaffing a bit at being limited to 7 mile runs! I think is is my other problem with the PCOS diagnosis- I’m already doing a lot of the recommended stuff and I want more to do- I don’t do well waiting and hoping. I am seeing a therapist for this.

        3. Starryemma*

          I don’t have PCOS that I know of, but I have had fertility issues. My obgyn put me on femara for a few cycles, since my cycles were super irregular. I too was ovulating (got pregnant/miscarried once), but hard to know if I was all the time since my cycles were so long/irregular.

          Femara is similar to Clomid, but with lower risk of multiples, which is why my obgyn likes it. It’s not fda approved for ovulation stuff- it’s an off label use of a breast cancer drug, but has been used for fertility stuff for about 10 years.

          Like Clomid, has some side effects-i had hot flashes and some emotional ups and downs. The worst was some really bad depression at the end of cycle 3, so I was going to take a break for a few months, but just found out that it worked & I’m pregnant. Still very cautious because I miscarried previously.

          Wishing you good things. Fertility stuff is so maddening/stressful/emotional/difficult. I view it as a club no one ever wants to join, but once we’re here we make the best of it.

      4. Book Lover*

        Metformin isn’t for egg quality but to help you ovulate. Women with pcos rarely ovulate and the background is insulin resistance. Metformin helps with the insulin resistance and restoring ovulation. It is a reasonable thing to try, usually well tolerated and safe in early pregnancy.

        It sounds like the diagnosis was not a slam dunk – I think if I were you I would try the metformin and see if I started ovulating, and otherwise move on to next step, often clomid. Or even another opinion if you are unsure.

        1. Book Lover*

          Huh, just saw your response above. Well, it isn’t my area of expertise, but for pcos you typically have to have anovulatory cycles. So I am a bit confused, but back to – might as well give it a shot and see what happens :). Best of luck!

    4. Kuododi*

      I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 29 but unfortunately things moved too fast for my MD to recommend a tx plan for that problem. A few days after the diagnosis, the rest of the biopsies came back and I had cancer so I had to have total hysterectomy and oopherectomy. What I am discovering as time passes is I am developing other related conditions to PCOS even though I haven’t had ovaries in years. What I will tell you as a diabetic who took Metformin for years, in my experience it is very hard on the kidneys so I would be cautious about taking that unless there were no other options. (Mine are currently running at about 50 percent capacity.). You are the first person I have ever heard of taking Metformin to boost eggs. I would encourage you to do your research and get a second opinion. I’m not an MD and can’t give medical advice. Best wishes!!! I know how scary big medical diagnoses like these can be.

    5. Call me St. Vincent*

      Ok this may sound crazy but I was in your situation and it turned out I didn’t have PCOS but I have something else called adult onset congenital adrenal hyperplasia which is a genetic endocrine disorder. If you are seeing a reproductive endocrinologist, ask them to test your levels of 17-hydroxyprogesterone just to make sure! It’s kind of rare but it made so much more sense in my case than PCOS. Worth checking out! Also know that with either of them, it is possible for people to get pregnant.

      1. Book Lover*

        It isn’t that super rare, especially among ashkenazi Jews! And I agree, when a diagnosis sounds like not a good fit, it is always worth evaluating further. In the ends, helps with feeling more confident one way or another.

        1. Call me St. Vincent*

          Yeah I have heard that, but my REI literally was like “I don’t believe it, it’s probably a fluke.” He made me get tested several times to “confirm” my levels. Then I had to go see the geneticist for the DNA testing for confirmation. His initial thought was “that’s ridiculous, you don’t have that.” Oh but I do!

          1. TL -*

            If you’re not an ashkenazi Jew, it might be incredibly rare (haven’t looked it up but there are genetic diseases that are vanishingly rare in every population but X, especially if X population went through a recent genetic bottleneck event.)

      2. Fertility Poster*

        I will look into this. I’m just not sure of this diagnosis. I don’t have ANY insulin resistance, my doc said the only level out of whack was testosterone, so that is odd to me. I’ll look into this, thank you!

        1. Call me St. Vincent*

          YEah my diagnosis would definitely affect testosterone levels. I’m curious about the metformin prescription as well as the other posters. Did you have high A1C??? If you aren’t seeing a reproductive endocrinologist I would highly recommend you see one to make sure your current doc is on the right track. What was the explanation for the metformin prescription??

      1. Fertility Poster*

        But most to the books I find talk about weight a lot. I’m recovered from my ED for many years, I think I’m strong there, but I don’t want to test it. Recovery was hard and I nearly died from my ED multiple times, so I try to stay away from possible triggers.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Oh, hey!

      Bones seems to be doing much better. We finished her round of antibiotics Sunday just gone and she’s put on a visible amount of weight since then so the problem definitely seems to be focused around her mouth. She’s much more active lately as well, which is great for her but not so great when I’m in the middle of teaching a student and she jumps onto my laptop. So many times she’s turned on the flight mode and I’ve lost Internet connection!

      We’re going back to the vet on Tuesday where she’s going to check her over and take a blood sample to check for immune deficiency (I think. I’m translating from Spanish so I’m not 100% sure that’s right) and other things that will show up on a blood screen.

      There’s still a lot ahead of us. She needs her teeth cleaned for starters and possible up to three extractions depending on how well the teeth cleaning goes, but she’s on the mend. I’m really happy because I love having a fat, healthy cat.

      The only thing that’s playing on my mind is the cost. In Spain, the vet gives you the bill upfront so you can see how much it’s going to cost and they’ve quote me about €500. I know it’s 100% worth it, but it’s still giving me a little anxiety about how to pay for it.

      Overall though, she’s great and I’m a happy mum again!

      Thanks so much for asking :)

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Aw I’m so glad she’s doing well. Sorry to hear about the bill but really pleased to hear how she’s doing.

  30. matcha123*

    I asked about Chrombebooks a few weeks ago, and I want to say thanks for the advice.
    I ended up getting the Chrombook 3, the cheapest Samsung model and I’m using it with the Home Mini and Chromecast and I’m loving it so far.
    The screen resolution isn’t the best, but the size and weight are perfect! Any other people using those home systems like google home or alexa? I have it play relaxing sounds at night for 30 minutes and it’s great.

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      We have an Amazon Alexa and a Google Home. It’s worth it just for the weather, music, and alarms, although right now I like the Alexa better because I can control the thermostat with it. In my experience Google is a little better at understanding language, though.

    2. Ann Furthermore*

      Advice — don’t puke on it, or else it will be fried. My 8 year old learned this lesson the hard way a few weeks ago, which resulted in a forced technology break until Santa showed up. LOL.

      1. matcha123*

        As strange as it sounds, something like that passed through my mind while I was setting it up!
        It’s nice to have something to talk to, since I live alone.

  31. Mimmy*

    Bleh! Let’s see….today is my husband’s birthday, yet we are most likely not going out to celebrate because it is way too cold and I’m sick. On top of that, I have two grants to read by Tuesday evening for a volunteer panel and only today and tomorrow to do so because I didn’t even get to pick up my set until yesterday afternoon.

    On the bright side, I think the weather will FINALLY warm up (relatively speaking, lol) beginning Monday.

  32. NaoNao*

    Not urgent, but would love some inputs:
    I live in a townhome (rental) with my BF. My ex and I made a lot of little modifications (swapping out light fixtures, painting walls, etc) to make it unique to our style and “us”. I love it and my BF likes it too.
    So, we’re considering moving either in July when our lease is up to a more desirable, walkable part of town or in 18 months depending on the $$ situation (like, we’d sign the lease for another year in July and stay here, meanwhile decluttering and getting our financial house in order).
    My question is:
    I would like to keep making small improvements (like replacing the fridge, painting the kitchen cabinets and woodwork, getting some nice patio furniture) but it seems like that would be a waste if we’re moving in either 6 month or a year.
    The place is a solid B+, but there’s small things that really get to me that I would love to change.
    What do you all think? Keep tweaking the current space (we’d lose the deposit either way, which is only a token amount, since some of the changes we can’t reverse—the original blinds and light fixtures we gave back to the apartment complex, for example) and make it really lovely, or just live with it, save the money, and then pour that into a new place?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      How much money do you have to spare, and how big an impact will this have on your everyday wellbeing?

      If it’ll be a hardship then no. If it’s affordable enough and important enough, I’d consider it as a self-care thing.

    2. Puertorriqueña*

      I guess it depends on how eager you are to move out? If moving out sooner or later depends on $$, and you’re eager to move out, then I would just save the $$ and put it all towards perfecting the new place, especially if that new place you see yourself living in long-term. I feel like July is going to be here before we know it, so to me those improvements wouldn’t be worth it.

      Maybe as a compromise, only make the improvements that REALLY get to you, that you feel like you couldn’t stand for 6 months, and don’t do the more cosmetic ones.

    3. TCO*

      As a landlord, I’d be pretty unhappy if my tenants painted cabinets or woodwork without my permission. If the originals are truly universally ugly and the painting is done skillfully, it could be okay. But if the woodwork is fine (just not your personal style) or the painting is done poorly, no deposit can fix that. It’s different than painting walls. Please check with your landlord before doing something so permanent.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        Agreed. One of my tenants made a very permanent change that I can’t reverse. I was not pleased.

      2. NaoNao*

        Well, I will check *but* these apartments are….let’s say everything is the cheapest and quickest “down and dirty” version possible. The paint, carpet, finishings, appliances…they’re all bargain basement. Every single light switch plate is crooked. Whoever prepped the place prior to our move in *painted over wallpaper* in the bathroom. And so on. I am thinking about paying a professional to do a highly skilled job of sanding down, priming and then painting the cabinets—so I would not just be slapping paint on 1940’s oak cabinets or something :)

        Maybe “woodwork” is the right word for what I meant either. I mean the plywood/sheetrock that is not cabinets, yet not countertops, that’s currently painted the same color as the cabinets. Like the walls/the supporting structure of the cabinets.

        But all that aside, I bought dining room chairs today and rearranged the whole dining room and did a few tweaks to the living room and that really sated my itchy home improvements fingers for now, so I am pretty happy for the time being :)

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          Doesn’t matter. You don’t own it. Would you borrow something, say a pair of pants from a friend, and the tell her “yeah, this length didn’t work on me, so I cut them off and made them into capris”? Or would you rent a car, even a little crappy model, and then take it back and say “the colour didn’t work for us so we got painted, and also we replaced the stereo because it sucked”?

    4. Temperance*

      I wouldn’t buy a new refrigerator for a place you aren’t planning to live in. I also wouldn’t paint the cabinets in a place I was renting.

      If you can take the patio furniture with you, great.

    5. fposte*

      I would split the difference. Figure out the formula–how much the current state annoys you, how much it will cost you in expense and time to change, and whether the advantages will carry forward. For me that might mean no on the fridge, get the patio furniture and take it with us or at least resell it when we go, and cabinet-painting would depend on how many and their current state.

    6. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

      If you can’t (or won’t) take it with you when you leave, I don’t think I would. When you get the itch to renovate, just think of what you may get to fix up in the new house or plan how you’ll decorate.

    7. Anono-me*

      I would stop the changes, except for maybe buying some inexpensive patio furniture.

      First, the landlord may not be happy about the changes and in many cases if the changes were made without written approval the landlord can pursue you for any ‘repair/return the townhouse to the way it was costs’ above and beyond the deposit.

      Second; you talk about getting your financial house in order. Very few tenants put money into improving short term rental property. Before spending any more of your money making any additional improvements to someone else’s property; I would suggest meeting with a financial advisor to discuss your financial situation and goals, and also ask about the impact of these expenses.

    8. AcademiaNut*

      As a long time renter, If I were planning on moving out fairly soon, I wouldn’t put money into anything that I couldn’t either take with me, or was related to function.

      So I might get new patio furniture, but wouldn’t replace the fridge, or paint the cabinets. Function might be something like replacing curtains to something that made the bedroom darker, or buying new filters for the A/C.

    9. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      I’m going to be really blunt here, because I feel like you’re going through life “la la la, I can do what I want”, at least based on your post.

      Why did you do half these things? I rented for years, and I put up curtains (but left blinds in place), replaced shower heads and thermostats (knowing that I’d be leaving them in place when I moved out), and in the last place I lived, with the landlord’s permission painted the living room and bedrooms. And the landlord approved the colors! That’s it. I dealt with the boring white walls, and the bad paint jobs and crappy carpet and the dishwasher that sounded like a jet engine. I filled in the nail holes, cleaned, and got the carpets cleaned after I moved out. FOR YEARS. You’re renting. You don’t have the right to make updates/changes, you don’t own the place. If something breaks, then you ask the landlord to fix it. And you live with the rest of it. There’s a reason why people often prefer to buy – and it’s not because it’s cheaper. It’s frequently more expensive to own.

      Yeah, this is harsh. But if I were renting to you, I’d be PISSED at even a fraction of what you’ve done. If you want to do renos, then BUY the place first.

      1. Ellen Ripley*

        I’m having a similar reaction. I’ve never rented a place that allowed painting the walls, let alone anything more dramatic like what has already been done, let alone refinishing the kitchen cabinets (?) and getting a new fridge (!). And as an above commenter said, it’s not just about losing your security deposit, you’re legally liable for anything they have to replace because of what you’ve changed, whether they pursue that avenue or not. And if they enter your apartment for maintenance issues or something and see everything you’ve changed and don’t like it, they can end your lease for cause.

        Maybe the OP lives in another part of the world where customs are different. For their sake, I hope so.

      2. NaoNao*

        Well, message received, it seems like everyone is very adamant that any/all changes are a bad idea. I seem to have given people the wrong idea here, that I’m gleefully skipping around changing things for the heck of it, but most of my changes are in line with what you just listed: putting up curtains instead of blinds, replaced shower heads, painted some walls with knowledge of landlord. I haven’t like, knocked down walls or ripped out major fixtures! These were all small, easily changeable tweaks like taking cabinet doors off (and storing the doors where they can be easily put back on) switching out light fixtures (again, with permission). Also, these were done by my ex, who I’m not in touch with and I don’t have the knowledge or wherewithall to change it back (in the case of switching out light fixtures).
        The other factor here is this is a management company, not a private individual.
        I can see that I’ve given sort of a terrible impression and I am bummed out about that—that certainly wasn’t my hope!
        I’ll stick with what’s already been done and is not changeable and just live with the rest or make cosmetic changes to existing furniture.
        I am a little taken aback at the tone of some of the advice, I don’t feel like it’s in line with the general tone I have come to expect and enjoy about AAM—like, even if someone is completely in the wrong, which clearly I am, they generally don’t get a pounding like this. I didn’t realize it was a controversial or heated topic at all!

        1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

          You’re getting pounding because your initial post seems so very clueless. (Sorry, but it does.) We’ve all likely been burned, and here you are talking about reno’ing the kitchen. A management company is going to be WORSE than a private individual, fyi. Just because you have “permission” or “knowledge” doesn’t mean that they’re not going to hammer you for it later. I had a roommate who really, really had to paint her bedroom. She talked to the mgmt office, and they said as long as she painted it back to the same color she wouldn’t be charged, but it was clear they didn’t want her to paint. Well guess what? She painted, and when we moved out she painted it back, but it wasn’t the exact same cheap white paint and they charged her anyway. I told her all along not to do it. She got to pay $200 because she couldn’t deal with white walls for a year. Renting is a very different ball game – you deal. You don’t (usually) get to paint and change things.

          There are little things that you can do. You can put curtains up, but leave the blinds in place. Just pull them up all the way. You can swap out the shower head, but either put the original one back up or leave the new one. And don’t get an expensive one! I’ve added a towel bar and left it in place with no issues. My former roommate insisted on swapping out the kitchen faucet. If you’re renting from a private individual, not a company, you can ask about painting and other minor changes, but be prepared (and accept) a no. And read between the lines – if they give a reluctant yes, it’s really a no. I’ve never heard of a mgmt company allowing you to paint, not without being charged when you move out at least.

          My parents are landlords. They have accommodated a tenant’s request to change a light fixture for a ceiling fan. She bought it, my dad installed it. I think that’s probably the only change they’ve allowed a tenant to do in 20ish years. The one tenant who decided to paint, etc got charged for it. (They didn’t ask permission, I don’t know what would have happened if they had.)

          1. Elizabeth H.*

            In my experience in the areas I’ve rented in, it’s pretty normal to paint walls even without permission. I painted the last two rooms I lived in, first one was a pretty bad apartment where the previous resident had written on the walls and there were a million holes and chips in the plaster, so I spackled all the holes and painted it white. My current place the woman who had my room before (who was the landlords daughter!) had painted three of the walls this crazy cinnamon orange and I painted it white which is the same color as the two other bedrooms and most other walls. It might depend on area and type of apartment but being allowed to paint isn’t especially unusual where I lived.

            1. Elizabeth H.*

              (by “without permission,” I meant that it wasn’t assumed one should ask permission, not like done expressly against wishes of landlords)

    10. ..Kat..*

      You are pouring your own money into an apartment that you do not own. You have replaced fixtures, done painting, etc. And now you are talking about replacing a major appliance – which you will leave behind when you move. This is madness! Save your money. Plus, as someone else pointed out, the landlord can charge you big bucks to return everything to the initial condition.

      1. Elizabeth H.*

        I agree, I think replacing the refrigerator is beyond illogical for somewhere you don’t own!! Unless you are taking it with you!

    11. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I’ve read at least one blog where this is a thing: spending huge amounts of time and work updating and improving a rented space. It can make it seem like a thing that’s done, and maybe it is in certain areas but it is by far not the norm. These blogs and shows are fictionalized. They probably do have the owner’s permission and they either have money to burn and/or corporate sponsors. Any troubles they run into seem minor because as a reader you are a step removed but I assure they can be devastating to experience yourself. These things you’re planning are not minor. Absolutely do not hire people to make cosmetic improvements to your rented townhouse. Absolutely do not buy major appliances for someone else. Just because you’re not going to get your deposit back does not mean your liability is over and that you can have free reign. What happens if the contractor goofs and causes significant damage to the cabinets? You will be responsible to replace them and new cabinets are not cheap. What happens if the ice maker in the fridge you buy breaks and floods the kitchen? Since it is your fridge and not the owner’s you would be financially responsible for all the repairs. Save your money and effort for a place that is truely yours. It will be much more satisfying. Make a scrapbook of pictures of what you’d like to do and save that amount of money. Make a game of improving your place with things that don’t violate your lease and can be taken with you. Volunteer for an organization like Habitat for Humanity that lets you scratch this itch. Learn to accept and live with the flaws. But please stop throwing your money away on someone else’s property.

      1. Yetanotherjennifer*

        Also think about it this way: every penny you spend -on- this place keeps you -in- this place. Spend your money so it benefits you in the long run, not your landlord.

  33. Dainty Lady*

    Mommy MD, if you’re on this weekend (or someone else with med cred), can you please explain why a cold flares up at night? I’m so tired with this cold because I’ll feel relatively okay during the day and then the moment I go to bed the coughing starts. Such a drag. And then I got curious as to why that happens.

    /feeling sorry for myself

    1. tigerStripes*

      I’m not a doctor, but a year or 2 ago I had a miserable cold that left me very congested, and it was worst at night. I found that taking Dayquil before I went to bed actually helped. Seems weird, but it was true.

    2. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I don’t have medical credentials, but when you’re horizontal, fluids and things tend to pool and make you more uncomfortable. I’m always congested when I first wake up in the morning. Try propping yourself up on more pillows so you’re not lying completely flat.

    3. Enough*

      Not a MD but when you lay down everything stops draining so coughing clears it. Also as the day progresses your temperature rises and that always makes me cranky.

    4. Mephyle*

      Not an MD, but it’s very common for a cough to get worse when you lie down. It’s because the mucus isn’t draining down away from your throat any more.
      Also worth noting: anyone who has this problem when they don’t have a cold (coughing when lying down) should investigate whether they have silent reflux (reflux without heartburn). It can be caused by acid and/or stomach enzymes getting up into the throat when you’re horizontal.

    5. Dainty Lady*

      So… I’m not lying down when the cough begins to get worse. I just start coughing more as the evening progresses. When I go to bed with a cold, I do my best to stay as vertical as possible. (This involves a satisfying number of pillows.)

      Maybe as Enough says, it’s more temperature, which causes a cascade of other things.

    6. Jen Erik*

      Not medical, but my daughter had a recurring cough that got worse at night. I don’t remember if I was told this, or just decided it, but I put it down to the air being colder at night.

      1. Book Lover*

        Asthma? My poor girl has asthma that fortunately at this point is just nocturnal cough, but it is still a misery sometimes. Flovent helps, thankfully.

    7. Natalie*

      I didn’t bother to go dig for his citation, but in a book I have about sleeping and nighttime through history, the author says many conditions get worse at night. It’s probably for multiple reasons.

      (The book is At Day’s Close: Night in Times Past)

    8. MsChanandlerBong*

      Not a doctor, but there are a few things at play. Blood flow changes when you lie down vs. when you are standing. I’ve also read that some symptoms get worse at night because your hormone levels go up and down at different times of the day.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Apparently so does our eye sight. I read that colors will be slightly different if we are laying down. Odd stuff.

    9. Nina*

      Yep, what everyone said. Mucus and drainage tend to pool when you’re lying down, so it’s better to sleep propped up. But I know that’s easier said than done. I’m also sick and was up til 5AM this morning because like you, I couldn’t stop coughing when I was lying down. Even though I had been feeling better earlier. Ugh. I hope you feel better soon.

    11. paul*

      Not a medical professional but have chronic respiratory crap (that my youngest seems to have inherited); I’ve been told it’s because you’re laying down and not up and moving and it makes the gunk kind of pool. Plus you’re not coughing or sneezing so there’s more gunk–you’re not expelling it anymore.

      I’ve found sleeping upright in a recliner with a humidifier going nearby can help but it sucks so hard.

    12. Carmen in Canada*

      I had a horrible cough and cold earlier this winter and after losing my voice and having violent coughing fits every night for 2 weeks I was very frustrated. I started giving myself a lymphatic face massage (Google will turn up charts or videos to show how) that my mom had recommended and felt much better after one night. I’m skeptical of that kind of thing but I think it helped force some of the mucus out of my head and I was able to get a good sleep.

      1. Dainty Lady*

        Now that is an excellent suggestion. I had a DO do this once and was astonished at how effective it was, but I’d forgotten all about it. Thanks for reminding me!

  34. Seafood Lover*

    If you’re looking for a movie to check out this weekend, can I please highly recommend The Shape of Water? It was awesome! Beauty and the Beast set in the Cold War with a very diverse cast of characters. It tugged at my heart and made me laugh, it was fabulous. I’m definitely picking up the DVD when it comes out.

    It’s a limited release so it may be hard to find near you but I promise it’s wonder. Fair warning for some female nudity, slight gore, and one disturbing sex scene (though not between the woman and the fish creature sadly).

    But I freaking loved it!

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      I just watched the trailer and oh my stars it looks really interesting and amazing!

      I’m not surprised it’s a del Toro film. It definitely has that look about it. As I was watching it, I kept thinking what a challenge it must have been for Sally Hawkins to act a mute character.

      It’s so nice to see an original film like this. I’m definitely going to check it out when I can.

    4. Bluebell*

      Loved it too – it also just looked so beautiful. Hoping that the set decorator gets nominated for an Oscar.

    5. Kuododi*

      I make a point to watch Guillermo del Toro movies. The designs and the creatures are exquisite works of art!!! Just hoping the movie shows in my area.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      Oh my damn, I am DYING to see this one. But our Alamo Drafthouse said they weren’t getting it until this month. I like to go there for films I really want to see. If I miss it, I’m going to be inconsolable!

    7. Searching*

      I enjoyed it too! It was not a movie I was initially drawn to when I heard the description, but a friend suggested seeing it and I was so happy we did.

  35. HNY*

    Is it too late to text someone Happy New Year’s? I want to text an ex-boss but not sure if the moment has passed.

    1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

      It might be a little odd, but since it’s a semi-work context, could make sense since most people are just getting back to work in a lot of areas. When I send a late birthday text I go with something along the lines of “hope your birthday on Monday was great! Wishing you another year of happiness!” so maybe you could do something similar so they don’t think you have zero concept of what day New Years falls on?

    2. NaoNao*

      I don’t think it’s too late—just change it to “Hey, hope your 2018 is getting off to a great start!” or something. :)

    3. nep*

      Agree. In my experience, within the first couple weeks of January it’s quite common to hear new year wishes.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Russian Orthodox New Year is still to come!

        I tend to start messages with “I hope the new year has got off to a good start”, which I think covers it.

  36. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

    Any advice for first time homeowner? What you wish you knew, the good stuff, etc. If all goes according to plan, I’ll be moved in next weekend and close in early Feb. Owner was pretty accommodating to my weird situation, so I’m grateful. I’m a single woman, pretty petite, no men on the dating front, 5 hours from family, and have a handful of friends in this town (but am finally free of horrible roommates!!) I have a budget set and was fortunate to have most of my appliances given to me – they aren’t perfect but I’ll use them until I can afford what I’d prefer. I know I also need a ladder and ADT security, but is there anything else that may make life easier? I’m really excited and hoping everything falls into place.

    1. Temperance*

      Congratulations!

      We actually don’t have a ladder for our house, and we’ve been living here for 3 years. We do have a stepstool and that works pretty well. (Full disclosure, I’d need a bigger stepstool if I didn’t have a tall husband to change lightbulbs.)

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      A good, basic tool kit! I got one in a case from Home Depot very inexpensive ($20?). The Wirecutter website (thewirecutter.com) has some good recommendations. I also got a ratcheting screwdriver (the one recommended on The Wirecutter) that I love so much I gave it as a gift to a few people.

    3. ThatGirl*

      Paint before you move in. It’s 5,000 times easier. And get any carpets cleaned while the place is empty.

      1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

        Ugh, I wish I had that luxury! Because I’m technically a tenant the first month, I’m not allowed to alter anything until possession. The walls are an awful beige, and I can’t wait to throw some white up!

      2. Kuododi*

        Second that!!! Also address any issues with bad wallpaper as quickly as possible. Our first house was an older home and the previous owner believed in throwing wallpaper on anything that didn’t fight back!!! (Think hunting duck border paper in dining room, plus tiny violet flower paper above chair rail in dining room as well as red and green stripe paper on bottom on chair rail in same room…shudder!!!!). To make matters worse there was solid bordello red paper in family room complete with flocking and country kitsch blue chickens in the kitchen. An overall nightmare from the seventh circle of hell!!! Definitely regret not addressing that before closing!!! Oh well…the joy of new home ownership.

    4. DanaScully*

      I’m also very interested in responses to your question as I’m hoping to make the jump soon also!

      I don’t know if you use reddit, but there was a really useful thread along these lines a couple of months back in r/askreddit. If you search ‘homeowners’, it should be one of the top results. Good luck!

    5. Ask a Manager* Post author

      You mentioned ADT for security. Don’t use them. They might be one of the worst security companies. They do a really hard sell when you first meet with them and there are many much better companies. For example: Once your ADT equipment is installed, they don’t do any kind of monitoring to ensure that it’s continuing to work. If a sensor dies, you won’t know unless you deliberately test it (and who’s going to constantly be testing their sensors?). Companies like Frontpoint are much better (Frontpoint, for example, has constant monitoring on all your equipment and will send you an immediate alert if something stops functioning).

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        Huh that hasn’t been my experience with them. They have actually called when it’s something isn’t working in our system to make sure we fix it. On another occasion we didn’t know we lost power to the panel and they called us to make sure we were okay and that we could get it fixed (it was due to a fuse blowing in our basement). It sounds like you had a bad experience. That stinks!

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Oh, that’s interesting! When I talked to them in August, they told me they require you to test everything yourself monthly to keep the warranty in effect.

          I also read that if a burglar smashes your control panel within 30 seconds of entering your house, no notification will go to ADT. For anyone considering them, I recommend doing some research online — there are a ton of complaints about them. They’re also pretty expensive and were also a huge pain to cancel with when I changed my mind within 24 hours after signing up (I changed my mind after doing that research), despite their paperwork supposedly giving you three days to cancel. I am very much not a fan of theirs.

          I adore Frontpoint though.

      2. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

        Thank you! I haven’t hard core looked into them, so this is good insight. I like that Frontpoint also does smoke and carbon monoxide watering, so I’m definitely going to look into them.

    6. Red Reader*

      Yard maintenance stuff. Rake, snow shovel, etc. cleaning supplies. Extra TP.

      A plunger for every toilet :-P

      Call your power company and see if they’ll do a walk through analysis on conservation – ours gave me a couple new low flow shower heads, a fancy power strip, and like $80 worth of LED light bulbs, plus a $20 credit on my next bill, for having a guy check and see if they had any power/water saving suggestions that I wasn’t already implementing. Took about 15 minutes.

      If you’re in the US, see if your neighborhood has a Nextdoor site – super handy for info ranging from your neighbors have seen the same skeezy unmarked van trawling the streets for three nights in a row, to someone has a treadmill for sale, to lost pets, Girl Scout cookies, recommendations for landscapers or handyfolk. There’s a tree guy in my subdivision who does discounts on his services for people who are in the same neighborhood, several contractors and handymen and a tech guy who all do the same.

      1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

        Oooh, I like the info about power companies. I’d never even heard of that! Thank you!

        1. KR*

          If you live in the southeast us and Duke is your provider I know for a fact they will do this. Saw a commercial and read an artical about it

      2. moql*

        Similarly, if you’re replacing any appliances for more efficient ones, check to see if your utilities have rebates. I work for a water company and we do them for low flow toilets and smart watering controllers, and we’re debating washing machines. We also do free consults on if you’re watering correctly,

    7. Catarina*

      Join Angie’s List, which is like Yelp but for sane people. It’s less than $20 a year, and you can search for any type of household expert you may need, with detailed reviews from previous customers. I have been thrilled with the electrician I chose.

        1. Catarina*

          I am flabbergasted to hear this. I forgot to renew after my credit card was closed for fraud, and somehow this info slipped by me. I hope it doesn’t devolve into the crapshow that other free review sites are.

    8. Anono-me*

      If you are in the USA; Look at a home warranty. They are usually super cheap for the first year, if you buy one when you buy the house.

      Ask your Realtor to reach out to the sellers to see if you can buy any of their old or duplicate tools. Most people go through their stuff before moving and get rid of what they don’t want. Leaving stuff in a corner of the shed is much easier than hauling it to a charity or having a rummage sale.

      Buy:
      Basic tool kit.
      Hammer
      Screwdrivers- Flat and Philips
      Pliers
      Needlenose pliers.
      Studfinder
      Misc nails and screws package
      Duct tape
      Hose washers
      Fire extinguisher
      Carbon monoxide detector *
      Smoke Alarms*
      Yard rake.
      Snow shovel
      Escape ladder if you have a two story.

      Get the locks* changed right away. (Also make sure the strike plate screws are long ones, not the short ones that come with the doorknobs.)

      Have tp, lighbulbs, and paper towels handy right away.

      Pay for high quality new locks, smoke detectors and carbon monoxide detectors. These can mean life or death.

      Congratulations on the new house.

      1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

        Oddly enough, when my dad was there for the inspection (I couldn’t be, and he’s helping with any minor move in things right now!) he met the seller. That’s how the seller agreed to rent it until closing, and the $500 “deposit” is basically going towards any appliances he has per our lease agreement. I would’ve been renting somewhere anyways, so we kind of won out on this one.

        The lease allows me to change the locks, but I’d have to give a set to the seller until closing, and then change them again after I take full possession, so I think I’m just going to wing it for now so I only have to do that once.

        1. Anono-me*

          You know your comfort level.
          But fyi Many of the better quality locks can be ‘rekeyed’ multiple times. You buy the locks and if you loose a key or something you just take all the locks into your local hardware store and for a few dollars each, they will reset the pins to change the locks.

        1. Anono-me*

          I’m sorry to hear that, mine paid to replace a major appliance and for two visits by repair professionals the first year.

          1. ThatGirl*

            Ours paid for a visit by an hvac tech who told us the AC was busted but wouldn’t pay for a new one because it’d been improperly repaired years before we bought the house. Useless.

      3. ..Kat..*

        Seconding the carbon monoxide detector and changing the locks. If you are in the United States, all homes sold have to have smoke detectors.

        also, when you get a tool kit, do NOT get a ‘lady’ tool kit, especially if it is pink. Tool kits targeted at women tend to be poor quality and more expensive.

        1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

          That’s odd. This one doesn’t have smoke detectors and the contract puts it on me to add them, not the seller.

          1. fposte*

            It’s state by state, not federal. There may also be grandfather clauses, and I bet that the statement that it’s on the buyer to put them in is an established workaround in some places.

    9. periwinkle*

      1. Make sure you have an emergency home repair/appliance replacement stash of cash. Stuff breaks even if you think it’s fine. Our house came with all original appliances except washer/dryer, but it turns out that everything was pretty much at the end of its lifecycle. Within the first year we had to replace the hot water heater, dishwasher, fridge, and microwave/range hood. Only the stove is hanging on, which is the only thing I had wanted to replace immediately. Arrrgh.
      2. Definitely get a simple set of tools. You don’t need anything fancy at first, but a set of the basics will be useful (a “homeowner’s toolkit” will do). A sturdy measuring tape is really handy, as is a level and stud finder (you can start with one of those magnet-type stud finders, not good enough for renovations but certainly adequate to hang your artwork!). Don’t forget a sturdy box cutter because you’ll probably find yourself bringing in more boxes of stuff than you ever imagined.
      3. If you have a yard, don’t forget the basic tools – mower, rake, snow shovel if appropriate for the climate.
      4. The day you move in, find your fuse box, water heater, furnace, and gas/water shut-off valves. Figure out how they work. Label what needs to be labeled. If a valve needs a pipe wrench or other tool to be opened quickly, hang the relevant tool right by the valve.
      5. Tour the nearby hardware/home improvement stores. You will get to know them well, so find a favorite.
      6. While you’re there, buy fire extinguishers.
      7. And collect paint chips so you can banish that beige in a couple months!

      1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

        Yes, I’m planning to replace appliances as soon as possible! The freebies I have will get me by until I can do so, but I already know the dryer is supposed to squeak and fridge doesn’t get as cold as it once did. I want a fresh start with those! Thankfully, I didn’t even make it to my college dorm without a basic tool kit, and since my dad has 7-12 of everything he’s hooking me up with extra tools!

    10. Book Lover*

      Congratulations! That was me about 15 years ago :). I was happy to have a home warranty and fortunately was pretty lucky with that first house.
      Now I would warn you to expectable that just about everything that can go wrong will, from plumbing to electrical to appliances, roof and foundation. But that is 1/3 houses for me and hopefully you will have better luck :)

      1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

        Thanks! It’s been a heck of a time just getting to this stage, so I’m hoping my bad luck has already run out! (I could use a break, honestly!) But I also know it probably hasn’t, so I’m planning on it anyways.

    11. Pennalynn Lott*

      Know where the main water shutoff is to your house. Mine was the water meter under the front sidewalk, and I needed a “plumber’s key” to get the cover off to get to it. Very time-consuming if (a) you don’t know where the shutoff is, and/or (b) you don’t know where the plumber’s key is (or if you even have one). Meanwhile, if there’s a big leak in your house, the damage is multiplying while you’re scrambling to shut off the water.

      Also know where the electrical panel is and which fuses control what part of the house.

      Buy pocket LED flashlights and put one in every room. Buy a bigger, high-powered flashlight for things that need to be repaired / investigated in the dark. (I’ve got one with a bendy neck that lets me hang it off things or curl into a stand).

    12. Rookie Manager*

      Get an electric drill and bit set. If you can’t stretch to that an electric screwdriver. Best thing I ever bought before getting my first place.

      (Against advice I also got a “pretty” tool kit. It was flimsy and useless. Now I buy tools for function over form.)

    13. Not So NewReader*

      We needed garbage cans, recycling bins, a step ladder and we bought a thermostat with programming ability.

      Spend slowly. There will always be something that you want and then something that you absolutely need. Take care of the needs first. Keep an emergency fund. I have been lucky here our worst emergencies were about 1 or 2 thousand dollars. I am very fortunate.

      When I first got here, I started right away looking at how to reduce my costs. (Hence the choices I listed above.)

      If you can put off some purchases until spring/summer you can find incredible deals at tag sales. I have bought everything from microwaves (almost new), paint, furniture, tools, ladders, and so on. This stuff is in mint condition and I got it for a song. The trick is to get there early, start out first thing in the morning. Another trick is to go down those side roads, a lot of people won’t stop for a tag sale that is too far off the main roads.

      I bought used yard equipment from a reputable dealer. The savings was awesome. My current tractor was 12k. We picked it up for just over 5k and I have had it for over 15 years. It just won’t quit. But you can pick up mowers and snowblowers the same way. Do business with places who have a repair department with a good reputation. All machines break at some point, what we really need is good repair people.

      1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

        Oh yes, scouting out deals is already basically a second job for me. I haven’t paid retail for anything since… I’m not sure when!

    14. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      You tube is your friend. You can learn SOOO much from that.

      and why do you need a security system? I have a general rule of thumb: if you think you need a security system, you don’t. You either need bars on your doors and windows, or therapy. Following common sense (locking doors/windows, testing smoke alarms, etc) is going to go a lot farther.

      1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

        The home isn’t in the safest of areas and I want basic door and window alarms to deter any thieves. I don’t expect anyone to intentionally cause harm to me, but in this day and age you can’t hope for that. In fact, I just left the visitation for a friends son that was killed in an armed robbery less than a week ago. If a blaring alarm is what keeps someone from killing me when I’m home just to get to my MacBook and Visa card, then I’ll gladly pay for a security system. I don’t care about the stuff, but I do value my life, so yes, I will have a security system, if for nothing other than saying that I tried.

        1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

          Ok. But I’m serious about the bars on the doors and windows. You can get some that look semi-decorative but are still quite strong. Also, do some research on making your home more secure. There’s some pretty easy things you can do (longer screws in the door hinges for example) that can have a big impact.

          1. fposte*

            When I got the reinforced strike plates, the screws were longer and there were more of them. I totally agree that that’s a really easy, low-impact way to make your home more secure.

            1. ..Kat..*

              I agree on quality locks. Also, do you have a high quality door? Poor quality doors are easier to kick in (the cheap quality bends in the middle until the deadbolt pops out of the door jamb. Oh, and get a dead bolt.

              Also, you don’t want a door to the outside with a window. Or those decorative windows right next to your door. Burglars love those.

              1. fposte*

                You can get clear security film that apparently renders such windows unbreakable. I bought some but never got around to putting it up (I have a window in my front door, but I’m not in that high crime an area); might be cheaper than getting a new door if budget is a concern.

    15. MissDissplaced*

      Plan for lots of extra expenses!
      Depending on the house, you may need a lot of things you never needed before, such as:
      Lawnmower/weed whacker/hedge trimmer
      Ladders
      Tools
      Paintbrushes
      Drill
      Furnace screens
      Closet shelves

      Also, don’t forget to figure in your cost of taxes (school, county) and heating fuel, trash, electric & water utilities. As a renter, much of these are included and you don’t realize the true cost. These ended up being much higher for us than the realator initially said.

  37. Umvue*

    New to the weekend open thread…
    Anyone here have strategies for dealing with a difficult parent? My mom has outbursts that she never apologizes for – overreacting to perceived slights – and the family strategy when I was a kid, pretending they hadn’t happened, isn’t working for me anymore. But I’m not sure what to do instead. How do I say “X thing you did wasn’t okay” without falling into the trap of “you always do X”?

    I think her bad example has also made it harder for me to know how to begin an apology than it is for normal people. As you might imagine, my mom has few friends, and I don’t want that to be me in old age. I have some learning to do. Advice?

    1. Temperance*

      Do you Reddit? If so, I highly recommend /r/RaisedByBorderlines or /r/RaisedByNarcissists.

      I solved the problem by cutting contact with my mother. That’s extreme, but she wasn’t going to change and having a parent who treated me like an emotional punching bag wasn’t working.

      If your mother is like mine, even if you say that it hurt your feelings when she called you X or did Y, she’ll deny that it ever happened OR will come up with something nasty that you did or did not do to throw in your face as a rebuttal. If your mom isn’t as disordered as mine, she might actually be willing to listen and work on it. I also don’t necessarily see a problem with telling her that it sucks when she screams in your face, and she does it often.

      1. Umvue*

        I don’t Reddit, but I gave those forums a look, and a few of those stories sure sound familiar. Thanks for the tip.

        I’m glad you found a solution that works for you and keeps you safe. I’ve known a few people who’ve gone NC with a parent and sometimes there really isn’t a better solution. In my case, I only see my mother once a year, and once-a-week contact via phone/Skype is generally distance enough.

        I don’t actually know what happens if I call her on being mean or unreasonable – whether she reacts like yours, or apologizes. I’m not sure I have ever tried, oddly. I’ve been an adult for long enough now that at this point, not trying is on me!

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          No. None of this is on you. You have been doing the best you can to deal with someone who is not reasonable. Blaming yourself for not trying makes it sound like you have been freely able to, and with difficult parents it’s just not that way.

        2. Temperance*

          It’s absolutely NOT on you! You have been trained since birth to respond to her in a certain way, and you have been taught not to challenge her. If she was an actual toddler having a tantrum, you would stop her, but when it’s an adult, and you’ve grown up around it, it almost seems normal.

          Many people in those forums do LC and what’s called grey rocking – you basically become as boring as possible so there’s nothing for her to emotionally react to.

    2. fposte*

      I think the real question is what you want to happen from this information. Is this about you being tired of never being on the record as being hurt by these outbursts, are you hoping this information will change her, or something else? I don’t think you’re going to get her to start apologizing at this point in life, but you may be able to position yourself more securely, and you might be able to get a little more insight.

      When she’s mean or yelling, say “Mom, it’s wrong to talk to people that way. I’m going to go for a walk and I’ll talk to you when you calm down.” State your position, and remove yourself as target.

      And, as I usually advise for talking about tricky subjects, if you want to know more find a low-stress time when you’re humming along well together, and ask what’s up. “Mom, I don’t understand what’s going on when you got so angry that you yelled and called me names yesterday. Can you tell me what’s up with that and why you make that choice?” If you think that’ll set her off again, it’s probably not worth doing and you shouldn’t do it in a space where you can’t get away from her, but it’s possible that you may actually get some information about the kind of hurt your mother’s holding on to to make her move so quickly to attack. That still doesn’t mean you have to put up with it, but understanding the walls in my parents’ lives really was helpful to me, so I mention that as a possibility.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Sorry to derail from the original discussion but re “tired of never being on the record as being hurt“ – I just want to thank you as I never worked out how to put this into words.

        1. fposte*

          I think we worry about that a lot when it’s something offensive to somebody else but it can matter a lot when it’s hurtful to ourselves, too.

      2. Umvue*

        Great question, fposte. I know it’s very unlikely that I’ll reform a person my mom’s age. I think there is part of me that secretly seethes at the unfairness of her “getting away” with being mean to me, but the adult part of me knows that she hasn’t “gotten away” with anything, really, because her difficult personality means she has a lonely and unsatisfying life.

        Anyway, what I really want is to make sure that I have tools in my toolbox for handling conflict, both so I can avoid alienating friends the way she tends to, and so I can model appropriate behaviors for my kid. I know that there have definitely been instances where I haven’t handled my own unmet needs well, and I have to think that all this garbage from my upbringing plays some role. I feel like if I were a well-adjusted person I’d know better how to deal with my mom when she isn’t.

        I guess there’s an assumption buried here, namely, that “how to handle conflict with normal people” and “how to handle conflict with my disordered parent”h ave some overlap. Now that I look at it directly, maybe that’s actually not true at all…

        1. Natalie*

          I know it’s very unlikely that I’ll reform a person my mom’s age. I think there is part of me that secretly seethes at the unfairness of her “getting away” with being mean to me, but the adult part of me knows that she hasn’t “gotten away” with anything, really, because her difficult personality means she has a lonely and unsatisfying life.

          I want to push back on this, as someone with a difficult parent (my mother) and difficult in-laws (both of them). I don’t know how old your mother is, but in general age is no barrier to change. For that matter, even if it was true that she couldn’t change and even if it’s true that she is lonely, you do not have to sit there and tolerate her behavior just because you have in the past.

          I think there is a lot of value in removing yourself as a target no matter what you think the outcome will be. Even if you’ve been tolerating this behavior for years, in my experience it does get into your psyche in a negative way, and the first step to repairing that damage is to stop subjecting yourself to the blows.

        2. Pennalynn Lott*

          I went NC with my mom for 6-7 years (I forget exactly how long). Shortly after reinitiating contact, she moved in with me. (I know!) And she tried her old bullsh*t. But I’d spent the intervening years learning boundaries and was able to calmly shut her down and let her know that talking to me / treating me that way wasn’t acceptable. After a few fits and starts (and her threatening to move out and me responding with, “That’s probably not in your best interest, but whatever floats your boat.”) she actually changed. She is infinitely more respectful now, stays on her own side of the street, worries about her own issues, and will apologize once she’s recognized that she stepped out of line.

          She was 60 when she moved in with me, so it’s possible for old people to change. But, like anyone else, they have to be the ones to want the change. My mom was afraid of me kicking her out and going NC again, so she decided that she needed to follow my lead and learn a new way of communicating and interacting with each other. It wasn’t easy, but she never would have changed if I hadn’t — calmly, gently, but firmly — pushed back and held my ground.

        3. TL -*

          My dad was not that bad at all but he started therapy at like 60 and changed his patterns/how he approached his family a lot.
          Not that I had been anywhere near no contact or asked for change – he went for other reasons but he’s changed and it’s improved our relationship a lot.

      3. fposte*

        People have made good points about people’s ability to change, and I agree that the capacity for change doesn’t disappear even later in life. What I should have said was that you want an interaction that makes you feel more secure and comfortable whether she changes or not.

    3. Ramona Flowers*

      As hard as this sounds, you probably need to not try to Make Her See. It’s too easy to believe that if only you explained it clearly enough or in the right way, you’d be able to change her.

      I had to learn that this was like trying to get steak out of a vending machine. No matter how badly you need steak, or how clearly you explain why you need it and how to make it, the vending machine can’t give you steak if it doesn’t have any.

      Is therapy an option for you to figure some of this out? Otherwise, the website Out of the Fog has some very good tips on dealing with difficult behaviour, and Captain Awkward might also be worth a read.

      1. Umvue*

        I had to learn that this was like trying to get steak out of a vending machine.

        Amazing metaphor. Thank you, Ramona.

        I love Captain Awkward! I hadn’t heard of the other site you mentioned, though. I have seen therapists at a couple different points in my life, and the weirdness with my mom always comes up, but I still think something’s missing for me, skill-wise.

          1. Umvue*

            Oh my god, the “grey rock” sounds like my dad. For almost forty years I’ve just assumed he *was* boring…

    4. Not So NewReader*

      You might suggest that she have a check up with a doc to find out what is driving the emotional outbursts. “Mom, I have seen you get yourself really upset sometimes, maybe a check up with your doc would be a good idea.”
      What I like about this one is that it lays the groundwork. The next time she blows up, “Mom did you get that check up yet?” Your tone here is that of concern, you might work your way into, “Mom, it’s unusual for a person to get upset like that. What’s going on.”

      Honestly though, I have several family members who are locked into perceiving slights and overreacting. There does not seem to be a fix for that, unless they recognize the problem and want to fix it.

      Just my opinion but the learning to apologize part is easier comparatively. “I’m sorry.” That is it. That is an apology. You probably already do this, if you bump someone in the grocery store or if you catch yourself letting a door go in someone’s face. Use this as your building block to add on to. With apologizes less words is usually better. With apologies, explanations come across as excuses. So skip the explanations. If it seems to make sense, explain how you will not make that mistake again in the future. This is a good thing to do in the Wplace and it can sometimes be very impressive to friends. “I forgot to call you back, so I decided the next time I have to wait to call you back, I will set a timer on my phone so that I remember.” In this example, your friend might even be a little flattered that you decided the friend was worth the extra step.

    5. Laura*

      Check out Captain Awkward. She’s the Ask A Manager equivalent for difficult families and relationships and has given some great scripts to others in similar situations.

    6. Kuododi*

      My mother is a raging narcissist, racist and a whole bunch of other stuff. What’s happening now is she has a brain injury which has left her with Alzheimer’s-type dementia. As the dementia has progressed, her social filters have vanished as well as her impulse control. So, what that leaves us with is a woman who has the emotional stability of a toddler, and will do things like set the dining room tablecloth on fire for no particular reason. I would really like to correct her and “make her understand” when she pops off with her latest horrible racist notion, tell me for the hundreth time why I should be at least 15lbs less than I currently weigh, or speak abusively to other members of the family….the best I can do is refuse to engage with her venom against me or others in the family. I simply tell her I will not continue this line of conversation and walk off to the kitchen or bathroom for a minute. If she’s talking inappropriately about others, I redirect her as best as I can and if we’re out in public with her unwilling to cooperate, I just take her back home..This isn’t one that can be fixed….but it isn’t one that has to be endured.

    7. ..Kat..*

      The Out of the Fog website is also good. Lots of info, teaches you tools you can use.

      They answer your questions and so much more.

      Sadly, many of us have had to resort to no relationship with a parent like this for our own self protection. Good luck.

      1. ..Kat..*

        Just an aside, reading Captain Awkward or Out of the Fog involves delving into painful areas. Many people need time to process these sites, because it brings up old, painful stuff. Give yourself time to feel strong emotions – to be angry, cry, grieve. Don’t read too much at once – it can be very emotionally and mentally draining.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          That’s a really good point.

          Pete Walker’s website has good tips on dealing with some of the effects on your psyche.

  38. MechanicalPencil*

    I recently moved into a new place, which I love. My post is actually two fold.

    How do I find motivation to unpack when I’m tired from weekday activities, being sick with the crud, and just life. I also have decision paralysis.

    Also. I want to update my look/furniture from post-college to something more me. What tip do y’all have to make that happen?

    1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

      When decorating, I always find one piece that I really love and build around it with complimentary pieces. It keeps me from changing my mind 12 times. And if it takes you a month or two to find and afford those pieces, so be it! It’s better to make sure you really love it than you’re just settling. I also have a Pinterest and it doesn’t always look like it matches but I’m often pinning rooms just for one particular piece that I like. Good luck!!

      1. Rookie Manager*

        I’d second Pinterest or even an old school paper mood board. Pulling together looks and pieces you like helps you try things theoretically make the right decision first time. But you won’t always make the right decision first time.

        It’s ok to get interim pieces too. You may want to stop eating dinner on your lap every night, that doesn’t mean you need a fancy heirloom dining set immediately; get a small extendable table from Ikea until you work out what you want and need.

    2. DanaScully*

      I break everything down into smaller chunks and reward myself on completion. So mine would be: If I clean the bathroom and kitchen, I can play Skyrim for a few hours.

      It doesn’t always work but it does give me a sense of accomplishment, and also means I can sit and enjoy something without thinking about the task I haven’t done yet!

    3. Merci Dee*

      I had the same unpacking problem when I moved. I was tired after a long day of work and didn’t feel like dealing with it. I got comfortable with the idea that I didn’t have to unpack everything right this instant. I would come home at night and unpack at least one box. Most times, that would go really quickly, so I’d unpack two or three more. And I’ll honest here – I felt that I had been pretty ruthless with my pre-packing culling, but there were times I’d open a box to unpack it and decide that most of the stuff could be trashed. I had everything fully unpacked and sorted/stowed within my first month in the new place. I was stunned that I had been able to deal with it in such a relatively short time frame. (I absolutely loathe moving, so, yes, one month was very very short for me.)

    4. CAA*

      For the unpacking — I have a couple of podcasts I really like that I only listen to while I’m doing chores I otherwise would put off. Is there a podcast or audio-book you could enjoy while you are unpacking?

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      Browse the decor sections on Modcloth/Urban Outfitters/Forever 21. I know, I know, these sound super “young” but IMO it’s an easy way to figure out what’s trendy in homewares. Home Goods has lots of stuff but it’s a total hodgepodge and 90% of it isn’t actually stylish. Target is, oddly, very dorm-ish to me, moreso than the stuff on the F21 site.

      Also, browse the wall art sections on Gilt and Wayfair. You’ll start to see the same artists over and over (there is a category of artists who only do wall decor for homes) and you’ll get a sense of what words to google when searching for the best prices. Avoid overly famous works of art as well as completely anonymous “hotel watercolor” works.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Get yourself healed up first. Unpack only the things that you need for today or the next few days. Once you feel better some of your decision making abilities will come back.

      After you feel better, put away the things you are certain about. For example, in my kitchen I put an empty box. Any thing that I was not certain about, I would put in the empty box. This allowed me to get most of the stuff put away. As I got more and more stuff put away I was able to deal with the stuff in the box of undecided things

      It’s also good to realize that none of this is set in stone. Try it one way, if you don’t like it then you can switch it.

    7. Laura*

      When I moved I had a bunch of things I needed to buy, but weren’t super important to have right away (like a TV and houseplants). So I rewarded myself with being “allowed” to buy those things once I got a certain number of boxes unpacked or, in one case, furniture built. I found that highly motivating since they were things I really wanted and had budgeted for.

    8. Catarina*

      I moved in 2004 and I’m still not done unpacking. You’re quite hard on yourself. :p

      As far as decorating and furniture, I found it more helpful to live in the house a bit to understand my new flow and habits first. For example, I originally bought a little table to toss keys and mail on. It turned out that we stopped using that door once winter hit, and it made more sense to hang a keyhook on the kitchen wall near the mudroom entrance.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Don’t go crazy. Un pack the kitchen. Unpack the clothes. And live with boxes. I unpacked my last box three years in. Oh that’s where I packed the scissors.

  39. AnnaleighUK*

    Tooth Fairy is on Film4 and R and I cannot stop laughing. Why has it taken me so long to see this utterly ridiculous movie!

    Going to see Jumanji tomorrow too, it’s obviously a silly film weekend.

    1. Red Reader*

      Jumanji was remarkably entertaining. I’ve never had a very high opinion of Jack Black as an actor, but he did a really good job of playing the same teenage girl as the actual teenage actress.

      1. Merci Dee*

        I love Jack Black, and thought this was another fun role for him. My two favorite movies he’s done (besides the Kung Fu Panda movies, because those are priceless) are Shallow Hal and Goosebumps.

        Now that I think about it, I’ve seen him in tons of kids’ movies, thanks to watching tv with my mini-me as she was growing up.

      2. Don't Blame Me*

        My husband and I were just talking about this! I actually think Jack Black is a great actor, it’s just that he’s so often asked to play a version of himself (or his public persona, anyway) that you don’t really notice. We thought he was great in Jumanji.

    2. Merci Dee*

      My daughter and I saw Jumanji before Christmas, and we loved it. It’s a fun and silly movie, and you’ll enjoy it if you know going in that it’s not high-brow fare.

        1. Merci Dee*

          It’s a sequel. There’s one point where the characters are sitting around a tropical-type shelter, and there’s a close-up that shows where “Alan Parrish was here” has been carved into a beam. That’s the name of the character that Robin Williams played in the original movie. One of the players mentions he found the shelter, and that he didn’t build it.

          Also, at the start of the movie, someone finds the Jumanji board game on the beach in 1996 and brings it home to his son. The son doesn’t want to play it and goes back to his video game system. During the night, the jungle drums start to play and a green light glows in the box – when the son notices and opens the box, the game has transformed into a video game cartridge. Weird (or weirder, anyway) thing is, son doesn’t seem disturbed by this and decides to play the video game. Naturally, wacky hijinks ensue.

        2. Audiophile*

          I think it’s meant to serve as a standalone sequel. So no familiarity with the original is required.

  40. Bibliovore*

    Thank you everyone for your help on my Bologna trip last year. The advice was spot-on.
    In April I am going to Japan for work and pleasure. I will have 14 days.

    I will be visiting Tokyo for at least 4 days
    Kijo Ehon no Sato (Kijo Picture Book Village) in Miyazaki
    http://service.kijo.jp/~ehon/english/english.html

    Aomori Museum of Art
    http://www.aomori-museum.jp/en/index.html
    Address: 185 Yasuda-aza-chikano, Aomori-shi, Aomori, Japan 038-0021

    Kyobunkan Bookstore Narnia
    http://www.kyobunkwan.co.jp/narnia　

    I would appreciate recommendations and advice for travel in Japan.

    Thanks.

    1. Elkay*

      We just got back. Invest in a Japanese SIM or personal WiFi device. The 7 day Japan Rail Pass worked out well for us, we didn’t need it in Tokyo so the 14 day one wasn’t worth it. I think in Tokyo day tickets on the metro were better value than Passmo on days we were doing more than 3 journeys.

      I enjoyed the Skytree more than the Tokyo Tower. I also liked the Shinjuku Gyoen National Garden.

      I guess you already know April is likely to be busy due to cherry blossom.

      We also went to Kyoto and Hakone. Both are worth visiting, Hakone can be a day trip from Tokyo.

    2. fposte*

      If you have video time, there are some really engaging YouTube channels by people who moved to Japan when they married somebody there. Rachel and Jun is probably the most successful, but there’s also A Texan in Tokyo (which I don’t think is updated these days) and a few others. If you scroll through the videos list, you might find some topics that are useful, since they’re clearly labeled by topic.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Oh this sounds great. I do have time to do this. I just watched a PBS show called I’ll Have What Phil’s Having and this episode was set in Tokyo. I highly recommend it.

    3. Mephyle*

      I’ve started visiting Tokyo relatively frequently in recent years, so I’m accumulating a set of experiences and places to visit.
      I don’t think you’ll be disappointed in any of the standard big tourist must-see’s, so they’re all recommended.
      Absolutely don’t miss visiting a Loft and/or a Tokyu Hands store. Allow at least half a day to explore completely from bottom to top!
      Get a transit card – I have Suica and I used it in Tokyo, Nagoya and Kyoto. Probably it can be used in other places too, but those are the only ones I’ve been to.
      Consider a trip to the city of Nagoya: an underappreciated gem. I would never have thought about visiting it if I didn’t have an online friend there. I spent two days and visited the Toyota Commemorative Museum of Industry and Technology and Nagoya Castle. Both of these are really special, and are Not.Just.Another.Museum and Not.Just.Another.Castle. There are more worthwhile places to visit and things to see which I didn’t get to in Nagoya, but just those two made my trip really special and memorable. Also, Osu shopping district.
      I second the suggestion of getting a Japanese SIM. On the first few trips I had a portable Wifi, but the SIM is much cheaper and easier to carry. You can buy one in the airport when you arrive (at least in Narita there are many) or any big electronics store such as BIC or Yodabashi, both of which have numerous locations around Tokyo.

    4. Foreign Octopus*

      I’m so glad you had a great time in Italy and Tokyo should be fantastic.

      Unfortunately, I don’t have any recommendations. I just wanted to write a comment in case Alison sees it and ask her this.

      Alison, do you have an update on the letter writer who wrote in about her colleague trying to get in on a trip to Tokyo with her and her best friend? Bibliovore’s just reminded me of it, and I’d love to know what happened.

        1. Bibliovore*

          WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!!!!!! So a friend (someone I dearly love) of mine when she heard about the trip said wow, that sounds great. I’ll go too. I travel on my own dime and be there the same time as you. This way I can go and know someone there. I was having blog reading flashbacks. No worries. The next day she changed her mind.

        2. Foreign Octopus*

          Damn, sorry Alison. I went through a phase of reading Captain Awkward letters but it definitely sounded like something we get here.

          *hides my face in embarrassment*

    5. Perpetua*

      I agree with the others – portable WiFi is a godsend (it’s also affordable).

      Plan your trip to optimize travel costs – we also did a 7-day Japan Railways pass for a 14-day trip and it worked out great for us.

      Our itinerary was something like:
      3 days Tokyo
      1 day Koyasan (start of JR pass)
      3 days Kyoto
      1 day Hiroshima – Miyajima
      1 day Osaka (end of JR)
      4 days Tokyo

      We made the plan based on our preferences and recommendations from forums and blogs, and we were quite happy with it.

      My favourite experiences were Koyasan (where you usually sleep in a temple) and Miyajima (popular for a daytrip from Hiroshima, we stayed the night there at a lovely guesthouse and enjoyed the calm after the last boat for the day left).

      1. Bibliovore*

        I’m getting really really excited. I have been in touch with my host and it turns out her curator made a similar trip to the same spots and she has some very practical suggestions.

        The SIM card. I will Google. One question, is this something I buy in Tokyo? Does this work with my iPhone 6 or do I get a temporary phone?

        1. Perpetua*

          Enjoy the excitement, I was the same way! :)

          I don’t know about the SIM card as we went with the portable Wi-Fi, which was more practical for the two of us. There are several providers, most with similar prices, I think that it cost us the equivalent of around 50 dollars for 2 weeks, and it was worth absolutely every penny of it. We ordered it online and had it delivered to the address of the first hostel we stayed at in Tokyo (which is quite convenient and many people do it like that).

    6. matcha123*

      I live in Japan, but it’s so expensive to travel here, I don’t travel much.
      If your phone is unlocked, you could get a SIM card at any electronics store for it (Yodobashi Camera (Tokyo, Osaka), Bic Camera (national), Edion (western Japan), SoftMap (national chain that resells computers, cell phones, etc.)). Personally, I’d go for mobile WiFi, but I just prefer the ease of WiFi, rather than checking to see if the phone bands match Japan.
      If you’re coming from America, the US has typically been split into CDMA and GSM for cell phones. These days many, or most, phones can handle both, but it can depend on your carrier. Sprint is mainly CDMA and AT&T is mainly GSM, if I remember correctly.
      You can rent WiFi at the airport, if you wish.

      Personally, I’d use only 2 days for Tokyo and spend more time in western Japan (Osaka and west). People like Tokyo, but I find it kind of boring. The heart/birthplace of Japanese culture is in western Japan and places like Kyoto will be very fulfilling. Be warned, the major tourist places all around Japan have a huge number of foreign tour groups. Be prepared for lots of tourists and lots of pushing by tourists and locals.
      With that said, Osaka/Kyoto, Hiroshima, Fukuoka, Nagasaki, Kagoshima would be my recommended areas. The food in western Japan is just tastier than Tokyo (my opinion) and slightly cheaper.

      If you really want to get off the beaten path, but still touristy, check out Shimanamikaido (bridge connecting Hiroshima and the Shikoku islands that you can bike) and visit Dogo Onsen in Ehime; Onomichi in eastern Hiroshima has a nice rope-way up to some mountainside temples; Tottori has sand dunes, Shimane has Izumo Taisha the “main” Shinto shrine…basically the boss shrine of all the Shinto shrines in Japan; Bizen in Okayama is famous for pottery and there are a bunch of places that have day courses on pottery and will mail you your finished product when they fire up their kilns.
      If you are going to Hiroshima, don’t forget to visit the Peace Memorial Park and Museum, the same with Nagasaki if you make it down there. If you go to Fukuoka, check out Dazaifutenmangu, a shrine for studying…students come from Korea and Taiwan to pray for success in their exams.

      For food…in western Japan:
      Osaka: takoyaki, Osaka-style Okonomiyaki, kushi katsu (fried meat and veg on skewers)
      Kyoto: Kyoto-ryori (Kyoto food) like yuba (tofu skin, it’s really tasty!)
      Hiroshima: okonomiyaki, oysters on Miyajima island, momiji manjuu (Japanese sweet in the shape of a maple leaf)
      Fukuoka: tonkotsu ramen (people online will say something about the smell, but I’ve only noticed the smell in places like Tokyo where tonkotsu ramen is an import)

      For transportation, aside from the JR Rail Pass, you can get Suica in Tokyo. As a note, JR is mainly operated by separate companies in charge of different areas. JR East takes of the area from Tokyo to maybe Nagoya?, JR West takes care of Osaka through Yamaguchi, JR Kyushu does Kyushu island. Suica is the card for JR East, it cannot be used on many lines in western Japan. Icoca, however, which is the card developed by JR West can be used in western and eastern Japan on the JR, some buses in eastern Japan (all? in western Japan) and on the streetcars in western Japan (Hiroshima, Kyoto, etc.)

      If you’re in a pinch for food, supermarkets discount prepared food after 6 or 7pm. Many, if not most, supermarkets have a microwave for you to heat up food you bought there. 7-11 and other convenience stores also sell prepared food and will heat it for you. The basements of department stores have a ton of more expensive, but tasty food options (depa-chika). Those also go on sale close to closing time.

      If you have everything packed, you could go to a convenience store and mail your luggage ahead to the airport. Sending it by the afternoon the day before your flight should guarantee it gets there in time.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Wow thank you for taking the time to write this. Things are shaping up.
        My suggested schedule so far is
        April 4 or 5: Kyobunkan in Tokyo
        April 7 and 8: KIJO picture book village in Miyazaki
        April 11 and 12: Aomori Museum of Art in Aomori

        These are my work commitments. Then our on-own-time will be on the end and days in between.
        One of my biggest concerns is anxiety that I might accidentally cause offense.
        I am really looking forward to mineral baths.

    7. Mephyle*

      I just remembered one more. Consider a day in Tokyo Disneyland. It’s the only Disneyland I’ve ever been to, and it was so wonderful and clean and Japanese-polite that I wouldn’t consider visiting any other Disneyland after having had this experience.
      This is from a person who has never had the dream of going to Disneyland at all – the idea never attracted me.

  41. Laurin Kelly*

    Just got my first set of edits back on my short story Kneadful Things, and for the first time there are very few revisions I need to make! The editor made a note at the beginning of the manuscript saying how pleased she was with how “clean” the submission was, so either short stories are totally in my wheelhouse or I’m finally getting good at self-editing. I also found out that the anthology will be released on March 28th – just around the corner. :)

  42. CatCat*

    Someone asked to see the soaps that I made last weekend. Here’s a picture: https://ibb.co/mq4WCG

    It’s very basic since it was my first time making it. Next time, I’m going going to add some scent.

    2. SAHM*

      Nice!! They look really pretty! Are you planning on using micas or keeping it natural with your next loaf? And +1 on they look like they’d sell on Etsy. They probably would! Very lovely!

      1. CatCat*

        I’d like to experiment with color at some point, but I figure one thing at a time! :-) Thanks for the kind feedback.

    4. Amadeo*

      Did you do hot process? They don’t have the ‘look’ I’m familiar with in my cold process bars. Awesome job regardless though! The hard part now is waiting 6 weeks to use them.

        1. Amadeo*

          Trust me when I say that in 6 weeks they’re going to be So. Much. Better. To the point where you won’t want to use a ‘fresh’ bar every again. It’s worth waiting for a full cure (and hot process does actually need a full cure, 6-8 weeks).

          Here’s a trick. Cut up a bar into pieces. Use a new one each week and watch/feel the soap change as the structure crystalizes and mellows and turns into something more awesome than it was on day one.

  43. Origami*

    This probably isn’t considered much of an achievement, but I’m kind of proud of it anyway: I made 1000 paper cranes.

    Not sure what I was planning to do with them once I finished TBH…it was more or less a ‘do it for the sake of doing it’ kind of thing, took almost two years. Guess I could donate them to some sort of event if there ever was one with a paper-craned (peace?) theme…

    1. fposte*

      I’m impressed! That’s a lot of fine fingerwork.

      I actually have small cranes strung on monofilament hanging as Christmas decorations. They’re strung vertically with the small hole going through each bird’s back; a plastic bead underneath each bird keeps it in place. I bet there are variants of that, too, on Pinterest or elsewhere. That might be something to do or to give.

    2. caledonia*

      I would either:
      -Donate to a library/bookshop/school for displays
      and/or
      – leave them random places for people to find, with a here’s for you or somesuch message.

    3. Okay then*

      So I’ve folded 1000 cranes about 4 times (working on my 5th when I get the motivation) and I always donate them to the Hiroshima Peace Memorial. While the legend pre-dates the memorial/bombing, they collect cranes there and display them at the children’s memorial for peace. All you have to do is mail them to them and they take care of the rest :)

    4. ..Kat..*

      I looked up the meaning of origami cranes: “Traditionally, it was believed that if one folded 1000 origami cranes, one’s wish would come true. It has also become a symbol of hope and healing during challenging times. As a result, it has become popular to fold 1000 cranes (in Japanese, called “senbazuru”).”

      They are very popular with some of the patients and their families at the children’s hospital where I work. Also, at Ronald McDonald House.

  44. nep*

    Person who has inspired you the most and why/how? (alive or deceased, someone you know personally or not)

    1. fposte*

      I patchwork, I think; there are various people who get my “I would like to be like that” engine going over the years. There’s one junior high teacher (who was that for most of his students, I think; he was that kind of teacher), who just had a commitment to inquiry and teaching as basically a humanist act; he’s the kind of teacher that made you feel like you had immense amounts of possibility, and so did the world. A grad school professor who had a ton of charisma and great insight (and also is the influence for a lot of people). In the people I don’t know area, I’ll go for Mr. Rogers and Lin-Manuel Miranda, who I don’t think need much explanation.

    2. Pennalynn Lott*

      Mr. Corona, assistant vice principal (or somesuch) in my junior high school. I got busted selling speed in study hall and he gave me only a 30-calendar-day suspension. He could have called the cops. He could have given me 30 school days (a longer suspension), he could have kicked me out of school and sent me to the school district’s equivalent of “juvie”. But he gave me the lightest punishment allowed to him and he said, “Pennalynn, I can see your friends X, Y and Z doing this kind of stuff, but you’re smarter than that. I can see it in you; I wonder if you can? I hope you spend this next month looking for it.” And I did. Because at age 13, he was the first adult that had ever said anything like that to me.

      I failed that year, because there’s no making up for missing a month of school when your grades were already “stoner” level, but I became a straight-A student after that.

      And I should add that Mr. Corona was a mean S.O.B. who preferred paddling to detention, and who didn’t have a soft, cuddly, “I love helping students” bone in his body. Which is what made his assessment of me all the more remarkable.

      1. nep*

        Wow. That is beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

        (Is that his real name? I’ve got an uncle with that last name who was a teacher then held other positions at various schools…Ha. I know — too much of a long shot. But fun to think about.)

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Wow. Okay I got a tear in my eye.
        This is an awesome story. I think you are pretty awesome for turning your life around like that.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      My wise friend who I mention from time to time, really influenced some huge changes in my thinking. I have held on to so many of his pearls of wisdom and reused them over and over.

      Then there are people who inspire me because of parallel situations. For example my father still inspires me. He faced huge medical bills with peanuts for income. He paid off the debt and continued to live in his house. Because of watching him do this, I have done it myself. I kept saying “If he can do it so can I, there is a path. If I look for it then I WILL find it.”

      I am not sure if this counts. My wise friend used to say “pay attention to your intuition”. He explained that intuition is not a bunch of woo-woo, we are supposed to have intuition to help ensure our survival. There is no need to be afraid of this process. Once he said that I started paying closer attention more. If the answer seems to be Y but my gut says X, I find someone knowledgeable on the topic and discuss it with them. This has helped me many times to make better choices.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve got a couple. My English teacher in high school, Mrs. Burns. We did ten minutes of free writing before many classes, and she would always pick a few to read aloud without saying who wrote them. Naturally, I always wrote fiction. And naturally, everyone knew which ones were mine. I wasn’t great at taking criticism back then, haha. But she always encouraged me. Thanks, Mrs. Burns. :D

      Also, David Bowie. I never bought any of his albums until he died (Blackstar). But I have heard and enjoyed his music my entire life. I wrote a blog post about him–in it, I mentioned how when you look at stars, you can’t look at them directly because they blur. That’s how it was with him.

      He was my first contact with the idea of reinventing yourself and your work. I’m angry that he’s no longer here–I thought he’d always be here. I was angry with myself for not following his example, but then I realized I’m not the same person I used to be, and that the real lesson he taught me was not about the past but about the future. As long as I live, I will always have the opportunity to explore different facets of myself. And this realization fit right in with my desire not to be pigeonholed as a writer.

      Here’s the post, if you want to read it. https://aelizabethwest.com/2016/01/11/the-light-has-left-us-david-bowie-1947-2016/

    5. Ramona Flowers*

      When I was 25, I was living in a shared house in the city where I went to university. I was working a job that made me unhappy and for various reasons I felt miserable and stuck. But I was of the mindset that you made your bed and then you lay in it. I didn’t have the something or other – gumption? agency? – to think I was allowed to choose change. Learned helplessness can be pervasive I guess.

      Until my housemate told me she was moving to a new place. But why, I asked? She had a job that seemed okay. Her life seemed fine to me. “Because I’m not happy,” she said. And I swear to goodness those four words changed my life. Within three months I had found a new job that meant moving to a new place where I knew nobody. That idea that good-on-paper wasn’t good enough if you weren’t happy… it opened up a new world for me.

      I’ve also been hugely inspired by celebrities who have spoken out about their experiences of trauma, abuse and mental health problems. When I felt like I should basically die because I was a worthless piece of sh*t, I could stop and say to myself: do you think Tim Roth should die? No? Then why should you?

      Also the author Jenni Fagan, and the actress Brie Larson.

      1. nep*

        ‘Because I’m not happy.’
        Oh — a legit and downright compelling reason to move out and move on.
        Powerful, and a great reminder. Thanks for sharing this.

  45. Elkay*

    I’m really hurt, I contacted an old friend to see if they wanted to get together and got zero response. I don’t know how other people keep friendships going. This isn’t the first time stuff like this has happened. I want to scream “What’s wrong with me, why don’t you like me?”. Logically I know I should move on from people who don’t respond but it’s not that easy.

    1. nep*

      Was it an email? If so, any chance it went into spam folder?
      I get that this can feel crappy. There’s something about a no-response that just stings and makes us question ourselves.
      In the past few months, I got zero email response from a few semi-professional contacts or acquaintances with whom I wanted to discuss some things further (after we’d already communicated about something). I just keep thinking — something’s got to give here…why is this happening? It’s an odd feeling. Not going to push it; I’d get much more satisfaction (and affirmation, actually) if the people got back to me after all this time without prompting.
      How close were you with this person? When’s the last time you were in contact?

      1. Elkay*

        It was a WhatsApp so I can see it was read. Last saw/heard from them for their wedding towards the end of last year (in fact hardly saw/spoke to them beyond hello/goodbye but I that’s normal at a wedding).

        1. anon WFP*

          Oh I see. Weird when people don’t respond at all — even with a ‘can’t really fit that in right now’ or something — when the sender knows message was read.

          1. nep*

            Ha. So much for my anon WFP cover in another comment. (That was bound to happen. No biggie anyway.)

    2. Sherm*

      It does suck. It happens to everyone though, and happens a million times a day. Most friendships simply don’t last a lifetime. People drift apart. That was rude of your friend to give no response (but maybe s/he is busy or didn’t get the message). On to people who deserve you!

      1. Elkay*

        I get that on a logical level but it happens a lot to me. It’s a vicious circle because there are some people I’d like to build relationships with but it feels like spinning plates because continuing to reach out to people is tiring so I struggle to do it then when I do and get rebuffed it makes it worse because I don’t have a group of people around me who “deserve me”.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I so get this. One thing that helped me some is I told myself that people were looking at me in the same manner. And there are a couple instances that I know to be true. Someone wanted to hang out with me and I blew by them. It was more like, I really did not notice they wanted to hang out with me. It was only by looking back on it years later that I realized I was a jerk.

    3. DanaScully*

      Hey, I just wanted to say I can relate. I really envy people for whom friendships seem to be a natural, easy thing. I often feel like I’m the only person in the world who has so few friends who I’m not actually that close to.

      I don’t have any advice unfortunately, but I just wanted to say that you’re not alone.

        1. Pollygrammer*

          I’m like that. I don’t make or keep friends very easily. I’m in the same situation with a friend I used to be really close to who now takes three days to text back with “super busy right now, maybe next month.” (Who I can see active on Twitter multiple times a day). In another couple weeks, I’m going to force myself to send something like “I hope everything is okay with you. If I did something to upset you, I’m really sorry” and then leave the ball in her court because right now I feel kind of pathetic.

          1. Elkay*

            From experience I’d say don’t send that message, they’ll deny anything is wrong but it won’t make them any better at staying in touch.

            1. Pollygrammer*

              I know, but I kind of want it so I can be the person who closes the door and not just let it slowly swing shut. Whatever the response, I’ll still leave the ball for any future plans in her court.

              And I think there’s maybe a 10% chance she’s actually not okay and isn’t just ghosting? And if that’s the case, I want to be able to say I tried.

      2. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

        Seconding that I’m in the same boat. But it makes the friends who do respond so much more valuable. But yes, it’s a really awful feeling either way.

  46. anon24*

    Anyone made a long distance move just because? I grew up in southeastern PA, as did my spouse, and when we got married we wanted something different so we moved to central PA (because this is where he got a job, and I just wanted to move). I hate this part of the state so much and have been miserable ever since we moved. I also hate the Pennsylvania weather in general and we’ve been talking about moving somewhere warmer in the next 5 or so years (still in the USA). Anyone done this? How did you pick where you were moving? How did you plan ahead and determine when you were moving? Is there any anything you wish you knew beforehand? How did it go for you? I don’t know anyone who’s done a long distance move (except college students).

    1. LNLN*

      After living in the Midwest for 10 years, my husband and I sold our house, put everything in storage, and drove around the US for 6 months, looking for a place to live. He is a carpenter and we wanted an area with affordable housing, where clients would have disposable income, and where we could do a lot of hiking and biking. Traveling like that was a great experience and we ended up very happy that we settled in the Pacific Northwest 29 years ago.

    2. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Sort of–I moved because I got a job, technically, but I only applied for/got the job because I was looking to move because I didn’t like where I was, and I was only applying for jobs in places that I wanted to move to.

      What I did was I made a list of the things that I wanted in the place I moved to. I’m not much of a listmaker so I didn’t really break this down into absolute must-haves, would-be-nices, etc., but if you like lists more than I do you could certainly do that. For example, I didn’t want to buy a car, so I wanted a place with good public transportation. I also hate cold weather and really, really hate snow, so I only looked at warm places. Then I read about different places that I thought might fit my qualifications (in different ways–tourist info, moving info, general history, etc.) and settled on some places I thought would be interesting. I was looking at multiple countries, though, so that level of research might not be necessary for you.

      I wound up loving the place I moved to and still miss it, but sadly it was in a country I wasn’t a citizen of and the job wound up not working out, so I couldn’t stay after I quit my job. It’s definitely one of the places I’ll be looking for jobs in again once I’m done with grad school, though.

    3. Pieforbreakfast*

      I’ve done this. My husband did this (which is how we ended up in the same town). Siblings have done this. It’s one of the great things of being an adult- you get to pick where you live.
      Visit places that sound intriguing. Pick up local papers, talk to staff in coffeeshops or grocery stores or such to try and get their perspective. Look and see if there’s organizations or activities that interest you. Ask people you know if they know anyone from the city you’re looking into. Look at real estate listings to get a feel for COL ( but I would suggest starting with renting a place so you can really figure out the neighborhood you want to be in).
      I moved to Orgeon 20 years ago just for a change. My sister had gone to school here and I loved it when I visited her. She didn’t live in the area anymore but was able to give me some ideas on the feel of the town, suggest what areas to look for housing and even sent introductions to a some old friends so I would have a number if I needed it. The first couple years weren’t the best as I found my place and people but now I wouldn’t move anywhere else.

    4. Turtlewings*

      About two years ago I moved from Alabama to Texas. In my case the thought process was this: My sister, who I lived with, had decided to move to Texas. The only reason I had moved to Alabama (from South Carolina) was to live with her. Without her, my options were to either live with my other sister, who I don’t get along with, or try to find somewhere to live closer to my job in a neighboring city I hated, and by the way I also hated, hated, hated the job. So instead I decided to quit the job and go wherever she was going (it could have been Alaska or Hong Kong, I’d have still gone). (She was delighted about this, by the way, and wanted me to come.)

      We chose to move in the summer because my sister’s a teacher and needed to move between school years. Most people (at least people with kids) seem to move during the summer for that reason, so if you DON’T have kids, maybe think about other times of year for better pricing. I actually did most of the planning — getting a moving van, apartment hunting, etc. We had plenty of time, almost a year, and that helped. I can’t really think of anything I wish I’d known beforehand. Property prices are astonishingly high here, but we figured that out very quickly! Oh, I wish I’d known we were supposed to pay the whole first month’s rent before we even moved in. Had to clean out my savings on the spot because my sister wasn’t even in the state yet.

      For us it actually went very well. We love it here, and the moving process itself wasn’t bad at all. We did have my dad and a friend helping us load/unload/drive the truck, bless them forever.

      I’ve done several long distance moves. You will be astonished at how much stuff you have once you try to put it all in boxes. Thin out your stuff before you start packing. Get it all into one truck, trust me you do not want to deal with multiple trucks. Label the boxes as you go. If you can afford to hire movers, freaking do it. Don’t forget to set up utilities and internet before your arrival at your new place. Make sure you have “picnic supplies” and toilet paper. Set up the bed first thing because you sure won’t want to face that at midnight after hours of unloading boxes.

      It’s really hard job-searching long-distance; for some reason no one wants to consider a candidate without a local address (I don’t really understand that mindset). If you have a local friend or relative whose address you can put on your applications, do it!

    5. HS Teacher*

      I moved from Allentown to Tucson and have never regretted it. The summers are hot, but they’re and humid in Pennsylvania. This time of year is my favorite with temperatures hovering around 75. I go back to visit, but I’m finished with living anywhere cold.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      I did that in 1990, when I packed two suitcases and moved to California. I wish to hell I’d stayed instead of coming back when I decided I wanted to go to school–worst mistake I’ve ever made. My life would probably be a lot different now. :P

    7. MsChanandlerBong*

      We left northeastern Pennsylvania and moved to New Mexico. My MIL lives here, so it was an easy decision. Best decision we ever made. I know there are exceptions, but NEPA is filled with miserable people who would rather blame everyone but themselves for their lot in life. I now live in a place where people value art and culture, and there are more things to do than I could ever possibly afford.

    8. Optimistic Prime*

      I did something similar to D.S. Pumpkins – while I technically moved here for a job, really I was looking to move away from where I was and I deliberately applied to jobs all over. I made a list of all the things I didn’t like about the city I was in and a list of all the things that were important to me about where I moved. I also started doing research on cities, and discovering what different places were advertising helped me think a little more about other things that were important to me. So then I only applied to jobs in those cities that I knew I could live in, but I still let the job make the final decision more or less (although I had already decided that Seattle was my first choice before I got the offer here).

    9. Jessi*

      I normally pick based on where I can get a job.

      there is nothing wrong with deciding you are ready for a change and starting a search :)

      Think about what you want (somewhere warm) and any other factors that are must have’s. Do you need to be close to an international airport? Do you want to be close to the see? What states would support the life you wnat?

      Since you have time, why not vacation in some of the states/cities you are considering? that will give you a feel for those places.
      Apply for jobs in those states – move :)

      I’m a nanny, and basically I have just moved from job to job across the world. I normally see one job finishing as the point that I should move somewhere else, and so when I move all I have to do is pack my suitcases and go so I can’t help you with the timeline.

  47. Keladry of Mindelan*

    I’m going to Hawaii in the end of February with my boyfriend! We will have a few days in Oahu, and closer to a week on the big island of Hawaii. We’re spending a whole day at Pearl Harbor, and will be doing other outdoorsy things like scuba diving and hiking. I’d be interested to hear if anyone has been and what your favorite things to do are. It’ll be so nice to get away from the frigid east coast!

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      We went to the Big Island on our honeymoon and loved it. I would highly recommend the Mauna Kea stargazing tour.

    2. Uncivil Engineer*

      My favorite things on Oahu: the swap meet at Aloha Stadium, malasadas from Leonard’s Bakery, hiking
      Diamondhead, snorkeling at Hanauma Bay (arrive early!), and eating an entire chocolate haupia pie. Honorable mentions go to: Iolani Palace, calling people at home/work and waving to them through the webcam at Duke’s statue, and the Polynesian Cultural Center (with luau).

      My favorite things on the Big Island are: Hawaii Volcanoes National Park and Pu’uhonua O Honaunau.

      1. Raine*

        Seconding the Polynesian Cultural Center on Oahu. I loved it there, especially the show Ha: The Breath of Life.

    3. CAA*

      Oahu —
      – visit the National Memorial Cemetery at Punchbowl
      – Manoa falls is a short hike that’s very nice
      – Diamondhead is a harder hike, but the payoff view from the top is pretty spectacular
      – drive to the North Shore

      Big Island —
      – Volcanoes National Park
      – Punalu’u black sand beach is a place where sea turtles hang out in the afternoons
      – There are 3 national parks/monuments along the west coast showcasing Hawaiian history, we enjoyed those all in one day
      – Kona Joe Coffee does tours and they have a small restaurant with a great view that’s good for lunch
      – Drive from Hilo to Waipi’o Valley lookout, stopping along the way at waterfalls and Laupahoehoe
      – We had amazing food at Merriman’s in Waimea

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Oh my god the sea turtles were amazing. We had them hanging out on the beach at the resort where we stayed and I have them as my desktop wallpaper at work.

        I loved the music they played on the radio there too.

    4. Free Meerkats*

      I haven’t had a chance to do them, but my boss raved about the Pelagic Magic and Manta Ray night dives on the Big Island. Both are on my diving bucket list. He went through Jack’s Dive, but others do similar dives.

    5. Pieforbreakfast*

      On Oahu, visit Doris Duke’s estate “Shangri-la”. It’s owned and run by the Honolulu Art museum so you arrange a tour from them. Really really interesting. The museum is pretty good, too.

    6. Ann Furthermore*

      Make reservations in advance for Pearl Harbor, and go as early in the day as you can. It gets more crowded later in the day. And be sure to go to the island where a battleship and the old munitions factory (I think) is. The windows are the originals, with bullet holes from the attack.

      There were people taking cheesy selfies on the USS Arizona memorial, which was rather appalling, but overall, it was a great experience.

    7. Thursday Next*

      I spent a week on the Big Island last year. If you like hiking and outdoors split your time between Hilo and Kona. I’d stay in Hilo for a couple of days – I think Hilo is closer to more hiking opportunities, and it’s a bit cheaper. We did 2 AirBnBs in Hawaii and 4 nights in Hilo cost the same as 3 nights in Kona and the grocery store prices are more Whole Foods 365 organic brands as opposed to movie theater food prices. Hilo is much closer to Volcanos national park (SO and I went there 2 different days). If you don’t mind caves look up Kazumura cave tours (Hilo side). My SO and I did the 2 hour tour and it was really cool. Also on the Hilo side is a USGS site where you can park your car and hike out to the lava field. It’s the same field you could see from Volcanos National Park but you don’t want to go that way – it’s cool to see lava glow at sunset or night and you do not want to drive that part of the park at night. It’s a long hike, but flat and there are people who’ll rent you bikes.

      Captain cook’s bay is great for snorkeling and I also recommend the historic national parks on the Kona side.

      If you like coffee do a coffee farm tour.

    8. Growing the Birds & the Bees*

      I loved Dole plantation. Not super outdoorsy but it made me appreciate farmers. I also enjoyed horseback riding and Diamondhead(this was intense in the heat we decided to climb in).

      1. All Hail Queen Sally*

        The big island also has a beach with green sand…a bit of a hike to get to it, tho. Also there is a vanilla plantation where you can have lunch where vanilla is used in every dish. You can go to Volcanoes national park during the day to see everything and then go back at night to see the glow of the crater. I spent 10 wonderful days there a couple years ago. You will have a wonderful time there.

  48. Opalescent Tree Shark*

    This is a total long shot, but are any of you by chance selling a car in the DC metro area? My car got totalled this week. (Stupid drivers on stupid 95!!) So, now I have to buy a car with limited funds and I would much rather pay out of pocket rather than financing. Does anyone have any good used car buying tips?

    1. nep*

      Get the car thoroughly checked out by a mechanic you trust. It’s time-consuming, it costs, and in my case others bought up cars I was interested in before I could get this step done; but it can save you a lot of money and trouble down the line.

    2. Kewlmom*

      Our trusted mechanic sometimes has pre-owned vehicles for sale. We bought an older Jeep from him for a great price and have been very happy with it as a second car, especially in inclement weather. A big advantage of buying it from him was that we trusted his evaluation of its condition

  49. AnotherAlison*

    So, pretty exciting day for me. . .I am sitting in my car all day doing nothing. My 13 y.o. got an airsoft gun and gear for Christmas, and was fired up to come out and play today. Turns out, the airsoft place is literally just a woodsy field. There are two guys and a conex at the gate, no building, no porta potty. It’s also 15 F out!

    I could leave, and I did just go to McD’s to use the restroom, but I feel little weird leaving my kid here with strangers when we live 30+ minutes away. It will be fine when it is warmer and he has been here before, but for today, it is sit in the car and wait.

    (Also, my mind is boggled by the airsoft scene in general. There are grown men in full camo, tactical boots, and helmets playing.)

  50. Merci Dee*

    I will tell you this from my own experience of buying a house last year — you will spend more money than you expect on the little things. New mats in front of the doors. New shower curtains, and possibly new rods for them to hang on. New/additional curtains for the rest of your windows, and possibly hardware for those, too. Shelf liner for your cabinets and drawers. Believe me when I tell you, this is definitely not everything you will be able to think of to buy for your new place. But it’s fun – this is =your= place now, and you have the chance to really make it yours.

    1. Merci Dee*

      Dang, this was supposed to be a response to Todd Chrisley Knows Best, up above. My nesting skills are sadly lacking today.

    2. Pollygrammer*

      I went to IKEA a couple days ago, just for some basic housewares (the most exciting thing I bought was a flour sifter.) I got home and thought–how could I have spent almost $100 on things I’m never even going to ~notice~ again??

      1. Merci Dee*

        Right? I bought a flour sifter back in October to use for the homemade fruitcake I made my dad for Christmas. I haven’t touched it since. Not sure when I will need it again, but, darn it, I sure have one! :P

          1. Merci Dee*

            If yours breaks down because of frequent use, I could send over mine to replace it! Beautiful, shiny, like-new, with only one sifting under its belt. It’s one of the hand-crank models instead of the squeeze-handle type.

            I do love to cook and bake, but most of the recipes I find these days just don’t call for sifting like they used to. Before I picked up this particular sifter, I would just stir my dry ingredients together with a fork and use that to break up lumps.

            1. Ramona Flowers*

              I’m actually not understanding what a hand crank would do. Do you not just shake it?

              1. Merci Dee*

                All the flour sifters I’ve ever seen have a circle of thin wire in the interior that turns and scrapes against the convex mesh screen on the bottom to break up lumps in the powder ingredients. Some of the wire circles are turned by a hand crank on the side of the sifter’s body (most of the old-fashioned sifters available in antique shops are this style). Some circles are turned by a mechanism in the handle that you squeeze and release over and over. I prefer the hand crank because it’s easier on the arthritis in my fingers and hands.

                Of course, even with the hand crank or squeeze handle, you still have the option to just shake the heck out of the darn thing. :)

                1. Ramona Flowers*

                  Huh. Mine is just a container with a lid with holes in. It just works like a sieve really. So it’s a shaker – I didn’t know there were these other kinds!

  51. Red Reader*

    Insurance inventory. I don’t really have any reason to be thinking about this (knocking frantically on wood, haha), but what kind of inventory should I have of my belongings for insurance purposes in a worst case scenario, and how detailed do I need to be? Like, “approx $1500 worth of clothes” or do I need to list out two suits, four pairs of slacks, etc? Should I have pictures, or lists, or? I have a list (probably outdated) of electronics with some serial numbers, but not everything, and most of it I don’t still have receipts for. I mean, I assume that if my house burns down (god forbid) I don’t just go to my insurance guy and he hands me a check for whatever I tell him my stuff was worth, there has to be some level of documentation?

    1. fposte*

      It’s wise to think about this when you don’t have to, because when you do have to it’s probably too late.

      I’m going to link to a couple of posts that are great overviews, but the basic start is to just video it all. Walk through, open closets and drawers and cabinets, pan across shelves, etc. If you do nothing else, do that.

    2. AnotherAlison*

      My cousin’s house did burn down to the foundation. You can tell them what you have and don’t have to have receipts or documentation. Similarly, we have been broken in to, and they take you at your word on what you owned. Now, they will fight you and accuse you of fraud, but ultimately you get paid.

      1. AnotherAlison*

        (Not that it isn’t better to have documentation like fposte recommends, but you aren’t completely out of luck if you don’t.)

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        When my husband’s bag was stolen we were asked for proof of some of the things in it.

    3. Laura*

      I keep a list of electronics with serial numbers, but that’s more in case they’re stolen and I need to report it to the police.

  52. Helpful*

    I need a personal smoothie maker thingy. Any rave reviews? I am looking at Nutribullet, Nutri Ninja and Breville Boss to Go.

    I really need it to make very smooth smoothies (little to no noticeable flecks) for two people. Bonus points for easy to clean and small counter size. Any tips?

    1. nep*

      Just to chime in on Nutribullet — Mine was great for a while, made decent smoothies with a nice consistency. But for me it didn’t last, and I’ve heard that from at least one other person. I’d say not worth the money.
      (I bought this Ninja (link) at an estate sale, like-new condition. I’m quite happy with it. Things that could be seen as cons — no different speed levels (hasn’t mattered to me for smoothies, though) and you’ve got to press on lid for it to operate.)
      http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/appliances/blender-reviews/a22446/euro-pro-ninja-master-prep-blender/

    2. Pennalynn Lott*

      I got my mom a NutriBullet about a year and a half ago. She uses it at least once a day, sometimes two or three, and it still works like a champ. She makes smoothies and “soups”. She had teeth problems, then denture problems, so if I’ve made steak, sweet potatoes, and kale for dinner, she’ll throw chopped up bits of everything into the NutriBullet with some chicken or beef stock and drink her dinner. [New, improved dentures are due in next week! Fingers crossed that she can eat “real” food after that.]

    3. Observer*

      I have a nutribullet and use it most days. It’s about 2 years old. It works. Not a lot of features but it’s good at what it does.

    4. ANon*

      I recently received the Vitamix s55 as a present. It’s amazing – I LOVE it. It’s tall, but the base itself is rather small so it doesn’t take up a whole lot of space – perfect for our tiny NYC apartment. Also, the container is very easy to clean as both the bottom and the top can be taken off.

      Smoothies have come out impressively smooth.

  53. Valancy Snaith*

    I have the weekend off for the first time in forever and had planned to spend all day house cleaning since it’s -32 C outside. Put in a second load of laundry and came back only to find my washer had vomited soapy water all over the floor, so now I’m cleaning up a flood AND not able to finish my wash. Spectacular. This is the third time the washer will have had to have been repaired in a year, so that’s its swan song. I guess we’re buying a new washing machine. Right after Christmas bills. Wonderful.

    2. Dainty Lady*

      Oh, woe. So sorry, Valancy. But I’m glad you’re replacing it and not trying to limp along.

      (Btw, one of my favorite books *ever*. I have a first edition from my grandmother’s bookshelf, that I quite treasure.)

    3. Elizabeth West*

      Ugh, this happened to me a few months ago. I couldn’t really afford it either, being as I don’t have a thing-we-don’t-talk-about-on-weekends! But it’s nice to have a washer that works. If I had to schlep to the laundromat, I would just be aggravated all the time, even more so than I already am, so it was worth it.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        My washing machine was behaving oddly today as well. Since the sales are on, I am hoping that if it decides to go on strike, I can find something suitable at a reduced price.

    4. Kewlmom*

      Just a thought – perhaps the reason for the water overflow could be because of the cold weather? You may not need a new washer just warmer weather

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        Considered that, but this was on the second or third load of laundry of the day, so if it was an ice blockage I would have expected it to crop up earlier. At any rate the appliance man is coming to look at it on Tuesday, so then we’ll have answers as to whether we need a new one or just new hoses.

  54. caledonia*

    So…am trying to date. What should I say on apps like tinder when I’m the one starting the convo? Everything I come up with seems so lame.

    1. Lcsa99*

      I haven’t used tinder so I am not sure if this will apply, but when I was on match.com and ok cupid (just realized it was nearly 10 years ago!) I would just take something from their bio that we had in common or that sounded interesting and ask them about it. If you just have pictures to work from, maybe see if you can figure out where they were when it was taken? Just anything that might start a real conversation.

    2. Ange*

      I’m doing the same (starting dating that is!) and so far I usually ask about something on their profile – I use okcupid so can’t speak to Tinder specifically. I try and avoid the things I hate in messages (like messages that just say hi) and say something that can start a conversation.

    3. HannahS*

      So I haven’t been on Tinder, but in online dating if I’m starting the conversation I usually say something like,
      “Hey there! I notice we both like [thing]. I’ve been reading/watching/doing [version of thing]. Which [version of thing]s do you like?”
      or
      “Hey there, your job/thing you study sounds really interesting. What brought you to it?”

    4. Stellaaaaa*

      Honestly, when I’ve used Tinder, I only talked to guys who messaged me first. It’s not about being a woman and needing a guy to make the first move. It’s just that there are so many people on Tinder who don’t actually want to meet up (they want to browse and feel flattered) and you can filter out those people a bit by only talking to the people who bother to send you an introductory message.

      If you live near a major city but don’t live IN it, don’t bother with people who live in the city proper. They won’t want to leave the city.

    5. Laura*

      Check out Aziz Ansari’s book Modern Romance. It’s mostly about online dating and what research says works well with it.

    6. Clever Name*

      I’m on Bumble, where women start a conversation once you’re “connected”. I try to ask a question about something in their profile. Sometimes the guy will pose a question (what is your passion? Is a common one), and I really like that. Makes it easier for me.

  55. LS*

    I actually read “This is How it Always Is” and found it really problematic in a number of ways. I’m white, straight, and cis, so my opinion on this should be taken with a grain of salt, but the following few things rubbed me the wrong way:
    1. The author consistently misgenders her trans character, switching between male and female pronouns based on how the character is presenting to the public, even though it’s clear from very early on in the book that this character identifies as female. I do think correct gendering in this situation is tricky, but the way it was done in the book did not feel right to me. It feels throughout the book that the child’s identity as female is not as permanent as it would be if she were cis.
    2. There is an underlying thread in the book that the family is “hiding something” by not telling the community that their child is trans. I think it’s pretty accepted in the queer community that this is none of the public’s business and is something that should be entirely up to the child herself to reveal or not as she feels comfortable.
    3. The parents spend a lot of time in the book fretting about whether or not their child should take hormones and how she is going to deal with being trans as she enters puberty. Not once do they try to have conversations with their child about these issues.
    4. A pivotal moment in the book is a trip to Thailand where the child is totally enlightened by her experience in a small, poverty-stricken rural village. I don’t feel informed enough to really get into the details on this one, but it really felt like fetishizing of poverty and of Thai culture in a way that was not done with much nuance or sensitivity.

    I felt the need to comment because as a longtime reader I’ve always found that Alison makes an effort to be sensitive, so I thought it might be worth it to register my disappointment.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Interesting! I’m definitely not an expert on this subject, but for #1, my sense was that she was following her child’s lead on pronouns (when Poppy reverts to Claude, it seemed to be at the child’s own behest). I could be wrong about that though. Totally agree with you on #4 though.

      Overall I liked that the book didn’t present the parents as having all (or even many) of the answers or getting everything right — it felt very much about parenting in general in that sense, in that they were fumbling their way through it and acting out of love for their kid, even when they got it wrong. I don’t think it’s supposed to be a model for others to follow, exactly; it’s about a family trying to figure it out as they go.

      The author, Laurie Frankel, has a transgender child herself, although she’s been very clear that the book is not about her daughter. She did a Modern Love piece about her own family a while back.

      1. LS*

        Yeah, that’s why I do think getting the gendering was tricky. I’m sure Frankel’s intention was to be following the child’s lead. However, although Rosie’s perspective does dominate the book, there are also passages told from Poppy’s perspective. So the narrator has access into Poppy’s world, but doesn’t use that information when deciding how to gender her.

        That might be in some sense my real problem with the book. I see the importance of presenting the parents as flawed, but where are Poppy’s flaws? Where is Poppy’s struggle with her identity? I think granting the narrator that omniscience and then failing to explore these questions creates the impression that Poppy’s experience is not actually important, when it should be the only experience that really matters in deciding how her identity will play out as she grows up. And in doing so, it’s falling back into this dominant cultural pattern of not seeing trans people as complex and multifaceted.

        I think I did see that Frankel has a trans child. It would be interesting to hear her daughter’s opinion although if I recall correctly she might not be old enough yet to have read the book.

    2. Bene*

      Agreed on all counts. I found it clumsy, thoughtless and insensitive in approach. It was very disappointing.

    3. Optimistic Prime*

      Despite really loving the novel myself, I agree – I noticed the same four things in the book (I’m a black queer cis woman). Rosie especially annoyed me because she seemed to be the source of much of this in the book – when Poppy has a moment of doubt she reverts back to calling her Claude, misgendering her and insisting that she might “change her mind” or go back, and her resistance to having a simple conversation with her daughter and husband about how to move forward (and that being posed as equally valid as Penn, the father’s desires to actually talk with Poppy and find out what she wants to do) was grating.

      The Thailand episode also bothered me a lot – especially given their mischaracterizations of kathoey. I’m not an expert on this, but the bit that I do know knows that kathoey aren’t quite as normalized and celebrated as the author made it them out to be. (There’s a lot of complexity there.) And the poor children in the book were posed as a sort of learning experience for a middle-class American child and her mother.

      But I still really enjoyed the novel – it wasn’t perfect, but I do love the expression of the messiness and uncertainty around navigating these issues as parents.

  56. Kali*

    For years – since I was ten years old maybe – I’ve been saying I’ll make doll houses when I retire (I’ll be thirty this year). Well, before Christmas I went and got myself a little fashion doll from Poundland (for, guess what, £1) and some fabric, thread and pins for about £5 in total. I spend all that movie-watching time over Christmas making her a little outfit, and I’ve just made her a little bed and a laptop out of cardboard. Now watching American Girl Doll craft videos for ideas, since those are the most numerous. I can’t make exactly the same things, because my doll (Britney) is on a 1/10 scale and American Girl Dolls are, comparatively, huuuuuuuge…but I’m getting lots of ideas, and now I need a glue gun and some foam. :D The other benefit of this hobby is I’m getting to try out lots of clothes-making ideas which would be much more expensive and inconvenient if I were making them for me, so when I do eventually get around to making clothes for me, I’ll be much better at it.

    2. Merci Dee*

      My daughter absolutely loves a YouTube channel that shows how to make tons of doll things for Barbie-type dolls — My Froggy Stuff. I’ve watched lots of these videos with her, and they’re so cool! The items are so amazing, and they’re not hard to make. Clothes, foods, accessories, houses, furniture …. everything you can think of. I highly recommend this channel if you’re looking for ideas.

    3. Beatrice*

      When I visited my parents for Christmas, they had the dollhouse out that my sisters and I played with years ago, now for my nieces. I forgot all the creative things we made for it. There were cookie sheets and baking pans made of thin cardboard painted with silver paint, and a tissue box made of cardboard with a tiny bit of tissue glued to it. There was a platter made of half a cheap broken locket, with beads glued on for handles. There were frames made of old cheap necklace pendants, with the stones removed and replaced with tiny artwork. There was a vase made of a screwed-off ballpoint pen tip glued to a pedestal made of broken bits of jewelry. I forgot how much fun we had making all that stuff, and it kind of gave me the itch to do it again!

    4. PlantLady*

      That sounds like fun! Long ago and far away, I used to make dollhouses and miniatures (1/12 scale) and always had such a blast doing it. I hope you continue to work on your hobby and enjoy it.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I DO THIS
        Or rather, I have a ton of stuff I haven’t messed with in a while, haha. I really need to actually FINISH one of my many projects. :P I have an amazing Sweeney Todd one planned, something like the Burton film, but somehow, my kitbashed building has disappeared. Oh well, I can make a much better one.

        Guess what I found at a flea market? Guess guess guess! Not 1/12 scale, so it will need a special roombox, but—-*dramatic pause*

        The Ideal Toys Petite Princess Royal Grand piano! IN THE BOX! (It’s a toy, not a miniature, but highly collectible!)

  57. Catarina*

    This is mostly finances-related, but school-adjacent. I hope that’s okay.

    I rented textbooks to study for a cumulative exam. My understanding of tax law is that I can deduct textbooks only if the school requires you to purchase them from the school, rather than allowing purchase from a third party. However, I see nothing about renting versus purchasing. I shelled out a large chunk of change to rent an entire graduate program’s worth of books, but I’m not sure if I can claim something I used only temporarily rather than owning. Can anyone point me towards some guidance? TurboTax is just too basic for this level of question.

    1. fposte*

      I think that the deduction rules depend on what program they’re claimed under. It looks like textbooks, for instance, can be deductible if bought from a third party under the American Opportunity Tax Credit but not the Lifetime Learning Credit or the standalone Tuition and Fees deduction. The terminology I’m seeing on some IRS materials also is “expenses” for textbooks and supplies, which should include rentals. However, if they’re for a cumulative exam, are they required textbooks–must you have used them as a condition of enrollment?

      1. Catarina*

        That’s a tricky question, so I’ll need to check into it more. You can’t get the degree without passing the exam, and theoretically a student would have already had the books from taking the classes, but I was a transfer student with somewhat special circumstances.

        I would not have though to check for difference among the multiple programs. Thank you!

    2. Jill*

      Deduct them. The chances of an “ordinary” person getting audited these days is just about zero.

      1. blackcat*

        True. The IRS is losing a lot of staff and has tons on its plate.

        Unless you do something nuts on your return, you’ll be fine.

      2. Natalie*

        And realistically, if you did somehow get audited for this, the result would almost certainly just be having to pay the additional tax. People don’t get fined for mistakes, they get fined for deliberate tax evasion.

    3. Melody Pond*

      I prepared individual taxes for a brief time. From what I recall, renting vs. owning shouldn’t matter. I believe fposte is right, the terminology on the IRS website would be “expenses,” which should include renting and owning.

      If you’re not sure, the best thing to do is to look up the IRS instructions for form 8917 (if your education expenses are merely being deducted) and/or form 8863 (if you’re getting actual credits for your education expenses).

      One easy way to determine which one you’d need, is to look at last year’s tax return (assuming you claimed education expenses last year, too). If you have a dollar amount on line 34 of your form 1040 from last year, then you want to check out the instructions for form 8917. If you have a dollar amount on line 50 of your form 1040, then check out the instructions for form 8863.

      I’m rusty on tax preparation by now, but there’s a faint bell ringing in my head saying that if you’re in a graduate program, you’re probably not getting education credits. You might just be getting a deduction (which is what line 34 is for, on your 1040).

      If you want to know more about the difference between credits and a deduction, I can explain that more. But otherwise I’ll assume you know what the difference is.

  58. Nacho*

    Anyone here have experience managing without a car? My 25 year old clunker just died and after looking at how much newer ones cost to buy, maintain, and insure, I’m starting to wonder if it’s worth it to replace it. I live in the suburbs, so there’s a bus stop near my house and another near my work, and I figure I can either Uber to the store or get food delivered by Amazon.

    1. Natalie*

      I lived carfree for about 5 years, although I was living in the city and worked in the city center, which made a lot of things easier. Of course, ridesharing and grocery delivery were less of a thing at that point (late 2010s) so that’s a point in your favor now.

      One resource I think people forget about is car rental. I made frequent use of both short term carsharing (car2go in my case but there are others) and traditional rentals through Enterprise or whatever. Traditional rentals were great for a weekend when I knew I was going to do a lot of shopping (around Christmas, for example) and anytime I wanted to go on a road trip out of town. Plus, in my area they were closed on Sundays, so I could get a free day by renting on Saturday for one day. As long as the car was back by the time they opened Monday morning, they considered that on time.

      A couple of things that help a lot is planning ahead and being flexible. You can’t just dash off to the store because your soup is simmering and you realize you forgot to buy crackers or whatever. When you do have a car rental, you want to make sure you’re getting all your errands in, which might be a long day. If you take a ride from someone you have to leave when they want to. And so forth.

      If you don’t already have a bike, that might be worth investing in, especially if you can take it with you on the bus to the city. And if people give you rides (more than normal ride-giving between friends), give them some gas money or wash their car occasionally or something.

    2. Book Lover*

      How reliable is the bus where you are? Because relying on the bus to be on time to work (if you have a set schedule) is often fraught with peril in the US.

      1. Nacho*

        Pretty reliable, and even if it wasn’t, it’s scheduled to arrive half an hour before my shift and leave 15 minutes after (which is kind of a point against not owning a car, but means I’ll never miss it).

        1. Book Lover*

          Sounds like worth trying for a bit then, as see how you feel after a few weeks or months :)

    3. Pennalynn Lott*

      In San Francisco, I went without a car for a couple of years with no problem whatsoever. In the East Bay, way out in the suburbs, not having a car was Huge Problem. Huge. Even though there was a bus stop right outside my bedroom window [hellooooo, never-sleeping-in!]. I only made it work through the help of friends with cars and car rentals.

      Where I live now, there’s no way I could function without a car. Almost all the buses go to a downtown hub. The ones that don’t take you to stops where you can catch a bus that goes to the hub. Then you try to find your way to your destination from there. Several years ago, after driving one hour each way for the then-job, I looked at my public transportation options. The shortest one was just under three hours, EACH WAY.

      Since your work commute doesn’t sound like it will be that onerous, just factor in the extra amount of time it will take for you to do the other stuff. Waiting for Uber, ordering ahead on Amazon, etc. And maybe paying for Uber to take you to the doctor’s office, then to the pharmacy, and then maybe to another pharmacy when that one is out of stock of what you need. That’s what drove me nuts when I lived in the East Bay. All the little things where I’d normally just hop in my car and get taken care of in under 30 minutes suddenly required logistical planning and a lot more time.

    4. AcademiaNut*

      I’ve never owned a car, and I moved out of my parents’ place over 25 years ago. I managed three years in Pasadena as a pedestrian, too, mostly by walking a lot.

      I do look for places to live based on transit access and walkability – I need to get to work, to shopping, and to entertainment/the city centre. And it helps a lot to have a convenience store in walking distances.

      It takes some planning for shopping. I often take the bus to the grocery store, and take a taxi back. Once every few months I do the same with Costco, filling the back of a taxi with heavy and bulky stuff. It can be worth it to rent a car for the day or weekend a few times a year, to do a major shopping run and errand day, or for weekend trips. You can do a fair number of rentals and taxi rides for the cost of owning and running a car.

      I often do errands on my lunch break, or after work (taking a later bus home). I tend to keep lists for shopping, because dashing out to get something I forgot is not fast. And I group errands, so if I’m heading out to the grocery store, I’ll stop by the bookstore to browse, then go by the pharmacy, then get the groceries before getting a cab home.

      Carless-ness was probably the most difficult as an undergrad. I was living in a city without a rapid transit system, and I couldn’t afford to take cabs and needed cheap accommodation. So I prioritized being on a bus route to the university, begin able to get downtown, and to a grocery store. Pasadena mostly involved a lot of walking, but I walked home from work by a grocery store, pharmacy, and other shopping. The rest of the time, I’ve mostly been in large cities with good transit, where owning a car is a hassle.

    5. Ramona Flowers*

      I can’t drive for medical reasons and I’ve never had a license, so I don’t have any understanding of the transition from driver to non car owner. But here are some things that help me in my life as a pedestrian and passenger:

      I carry up to date timetables in my bag for bus and train services, I’ve got to know what time services end (eg when is the last bus home) and I have some useful apps on my phone that give me real time information (ie electronic departure board type of thing) on buses and trains. If something like this is available for your area, just download it and wait to figure it out until you’re in a hurry or stressed – figure it out now, get used to how it works, customise the settings and so on. But don’t just rely on apps or websites. Pick up paper timetables if they exist. For that day when your phone dies right when you need the timetable.

      Things I always have with me: decent reusable carrier bags, headphones, portable phone charger, something to read, toilet paper (for when the train toilet doesn’t have any), hand wipes (I don’t like gel) and I keep a shoeshine brush in my drawer at work for when my shoes get wet or scuffed from walking.

    6. Incantanto*

      I don’t have one, as I live about a mile from my work and a mile and a half from the town centre. Buses are good (but often finish at annoying times/don’t exist on bank holidays.) Can you ride a bike? I use a hybrid I got off gumtree for fifty quid and whilst its not up for long journeys it cuts the thirty min walk to town into a ten min bike ride, and you can carry a LOT of stuff with panniers and occasionally a decent back pack.

    7. Liane*

      A friend, “Kevin,” in another city insisted he and his elderly parents, with whom he lives, go carless when their last car died, due to finances. Note that no one is into going out a lot for fun. But this is how he has made it work:
      1. Got his bicycle fixed up and runs many errands that way, which is also good for his health. They live in an area where this is doable year round.
      2. Lyft type services or taxi for major grocery trips & the like
      3. Kevin rents a car for their various medical appointments, as this works best with mom’s disabilities.

  59. Weekend Warrior*

    Taking a couple of days off from some intensive eldercare, whipping up a big batch of buttermilk pancakes, eating a few of said pancakes as I go, and enjoying reading through this thread. Thanks especially for the Yoga with Adrienne reminder above. Her Complete Beginner routine will be just the thing after the pancakes are digested. :). Happy self care day to all!

    1. Grumpy*

      Thanks!
      I forced myself to cook food in the fridge that I have already paid for rather than get take out — and it came out awesome. Like, if I had bought this stuff at a restaurant it would be my new favourite place ever.
      (It was fried tofu with spicy simmer sauce dumped unceremoniously on it… oh so good!)

  60. Free Meerkats*

    The Worldcon costume is coming along.

    This is the test piece for the pants.
    https://www.instagram.com/p/BdbVTTBH2V_/

    The test piece for the overtunic.
    https://www.instagram.com/p/BcgUFCxBVTG/

    And the test piece for the undertunic.
    https://www.instagram.com/p/Bb8FSzRhjyZ/
    I don’t need a test piece for the cloak, it doesn’t need to be fitted and I’ve made it before.
    https://www.instagram.com/p/BdmHTnCn1PR/

    I ordered fabric for this and a hall costume that a friend is making for me (it’s a hall costume, so I don’t have to make it and it requires skills I lack) last evening. I’m talking with another friend who does 3D printing for some of the accessories, I’ll likely farm out the embroidery, and I’m going to have to learn some leather working skills. August is coming way too soon!

    These are the last pictures until after the presentation. I don’t want to give away the surprise. All I can say is it’s a mashup of Japanese pop culture and an epic novel from the 50s. I will post updates as it comes along.

    The hall costume is a 3-piece suit to go with this: https://mcphee.com/products/safety-monitor-fez If I have time I’m going to make a Takeo Ischi Bibi-Hendl hall costume.

    1. Hrovitnir*

      Cool! I’m always so impressed by cosplay – and people that can make their own clothing at all.

        1. Free Meerkats*

          Thanks! That cloak was made more than a quarter decade ago. It’s one of my favorite pieces and comes out every once in a while.

          It’s a fairly simple pattern from Folkwear Patterns, Kinsale Cloak. This one is fully lined and warmer than you’d ever figure it would be. Also weighs about 3 pounds…

  61. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Met with fiancé’s close besties for dinner last night. And TMI: day 3 aunt flo. Had tea with small amt milk before sleeping and milk went bad so I ended up feeling quite penguin-bloaty :/

    1. Any soothing food good for mild post food poisoning?
    2. How do people decompress during wedding planning and prevent it from seeping into every facet of their lives?
    3. Nmom keeps trying to be fake nice only bc she doesn’t want to be excluded from the wedding.
    4. Low key ladies night: wine & painting or coloring. How does that sound? I’m not a huge bachelorette party person and my idea of fun is a cat and a book by fireside.

    1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

      I’ve seen plenty of people have great fun at things like Painting with a Twist. The bachelorette party is about you, so it should certainly be something you enjoy! Hope you’re otherwise feeling better!

    2. Pennalynn Lott*

      1. When that has happened to me, my doc says to follow the BRAT diet for a few days: bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast. I’ve found that clear chicken broth is good, too.

    3. Aealias*

      4. Wine and paint night sounds awesome. My “bachelorette” was high tea at a fancy local tea shop, and was fantastic. If wine, paint and chatter suits your personality, your friends will be into sharing it with you. They can’t have fun if you’re not!

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      I agree with Pennalynn about the BRAT. Rice especially works for me.

      And your ladies’ night sounds fun!

    6. Elizabeth West*

      1. Something very bland, like crackers or toast. My mum used to make us toast cut into strips when we were recovering from the flu.
      2. I have no idea, sadly.
      3. Ugh.
      4. Wine/painting sounds like fun!

    7. Kuododi*

      I find peppermint or ginger tea with honey very helpful when I have icky tummy. An ongoing problem for me… I have used beef ramen noodles or won ton soup as well. (A nutritional nightmare but something about the carbs and the salty broth seems to help settle down my stomach.)

    8. Earthwalker*

      Gatorade can be helpful for a stomach bug when you need something but can’t handle food yet.

  62. Ramona Flowers*

    There was a conversation on an AAM post recently (I forget which) about having a reading vocabulary and not knowing how certain words are said out loud (eg I probably mentioned how I used to think awry was pronounced aw-ree).

    Well. I recently discovered that Eurydice is pronounced You-rid-a-see and not (as I imagined in childhood when I read The Whitby Witches) Yore-ee-dyce.

    1. nep*

      (The Car Guys — hilarious radio talk show in US — would often jokingly say aw-ree.)
      When I was little I asked my parents where Arkansas was — I pronounced it like KANSAS preceded by ARE. I also asked what ‘School Xing’ meant — pronouncing the second as CKSING. Yeah.

    2. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      I loved Greek myths when I was a kid (still do), and I definitely thought Eurydice was pronounced the same way you did. I’m not sure how I found out the real pronunciation–maybe one of my parents told me? Or maybe I just got it from Xena.

    3. Pollygrammer*

      I used to thing “segue” rhymed with “league.” When I was corrected, I thought it was so dumb that it was pronounced like the scooter.

              1. Pollygrammer*

                And, looking at my original response–never thing something when you should be thinking it :)

      2. another person*

        I used to think (and honestly still pronounce it in my head half of the time) as seg-oo
        This is very much not correct

    4. DanaScully*

      Yes! I also pronounced awry the same way for years. Thankfully only ever in my head.

      I was watching Christmas Bake Off recently and noticed that some people pronounce ‘genoise’ as “jen-wa” (with a soft j sound like in je m’appelle) and some say “gen-oh-ees”. I still can’t work out which is correct or whether they’re both acceptable pronunciations!

      1. Cristina in England*

        I do wonder about genoise. My mum who is American always says it as you’d say it in French (jen-waaaaz) so I was surprised to hear it on the bake off as “jen-oh-eeez”. But then again, Brits do de-Frenchify words like “fillet” for instance (they pronounce the t).

    5. Pieforbreakfast*

      Well, I just learned the correct way to pronounce Eurydice!
      This summer it was learning the country Qatar is “Kutur” and not “Kaytar”. And last week while watching Planet Earth David Attenborough narrated about a Pygmy Three Toed “Slowth” when I’ve always said “Slawth”. Still don’t know if that’s a British v American thing.

    6. Foreign Octopus*

      Plethora is still a word I can’t pronounce correctly. I’ve got my way of saying it and the correct way but I can never remember which is right. No idea where I read it though.

          1. Foreign Octopus*

            I say the same as HannahS. Pleh-thah-rah but every time I say it like that, my mum always corrects me.

              1. Middle School Teacher*

                Plethora is one of the vocab words I do with my grade 7s and Hannah is correct :)

    7. Pennalynn Lott*

      For a couple of decades, I thought rhetoric and “rederic” were two different words.

      The first word I encountered only in reading and pronounced it “ruh-tore-ic”, as in “a rhetorical question.”

      The second was a thing of politics and debates, only heard on the radio or TV.

    8. Rookie Manager*

      Facetious is a word I read and understood and heard and understood without linking the two.

      Moving to Scotland in my teens was a nightmare as the pronunciation of some words are completely different (great vowel shift and all that) which gave an added level of confusion. I was also introduced to words like Milngavie (Mill- guy).

      1. Merci Dee*

        Facetious always makes me laugh

        My ex had a great vocabulary, but atrocious spelling skills; by contrast, my college friends always called me Ms. Webster because they’d come to me with their spelling woes instead of checking the dictionary (which people still sometimes did in the late 90s).

        One night, my ex was chatting online with his brother, and was trying to spell “facetious” for one of his messages. I kept hearing these sounds of distress, and finally the ex asked me to come and check his spelling. When I looked at the computer, I just died laughing… the best he could come up with was “feces”. I typed in his word for him, and we joked from then on about the mix-up. “Don’t get mad, you know I’m just being feces.”

        1. Rookie Manager*

          My fun fact about the words facetious is it is the shortest word in the English language to have all the vowels in alphabetical order. I learnt that during the extra spelling classes I was sent to when “read more” didn’t work. I’ve always been a voracious reader and terrible speller. One English teacher was surprised to find a decade difference between my spelling age and reading age. I wish I had your skill!! (REALLY hard to check spelling in a dictionary when you’ve no idea how to spell it!)

    9. Elizabeth West*

      LOL, when I was a kid, I thought !d!0t (the filter catches this so I wonked it up) was pronounced eye-die-oat.

      I thought Potomac, as in the river in Washington, D.C. (Puh-toe-mik) was pronounced Pot-oh-mack.

      I thought succumb (suk-come) was soo-kyoom.

      To be fair, I could spell all these and knew what they were, and I knew what a phenomenon was when I was a very little kid. But how could I not know how to pronounce the first one!?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Now I have that river linked to pot-aye-toes in my head. This might be tough to unlock.

    10. LaterKate*

      As i kid, i read chaos as Cha-HOOS. Which wouldn’t be right even if it was spelled phonetically I understood what it meant in writing, and also understood what it meant when i heard it pronounced correctly, but never realized they were the same word

      1. Earthwalker*

        That was my worst one, but I had it as CHAH-ose. I thought was a synonym for chaos, which, of course, must be spelled something like “kayoss.” And then there’s falafel: FAAL-a-fell. I was a red-faced adult when someone politely corrected me on that one.

    12. Liane*

      I am bad about this. My elementary didn’t teach reading with phonetics & “Sound it out”; it was a word at a time. (I don’t know what the real name for the “method” is, but I call it See & Say after the toy.) So I had a much more extensive hearing/speaking vocabulary vs. print. My first encounter with phonetics was for Classical Latin. (Vowels are similar to Spanish/Italian; C and X are Hard C.) So for many years I had a tendency to pronounce English words I’d never heard based on Classical Latin, which doesn’t work so well.*
      I have wised up over the years; since moving to Arkansas a decade ago, I won’t say place names until I have privately asked friends/family who have been here much longer how.

      PS: how is PLACATE pronounced? Plack-Ett? Play-Kate? None of the above?

      *it doesn’t work with choral music written in (church) Latin either, as some of the consonants sound different

      2. Cruciatus*

        It’s play-kate.

        My sister once had to move to Minot, North Dakota and we were all “My-noo” and then she came home after house hunting and was like, “Yeah, you pronounce the t…” My-knot. And in Ohio (and probably everywhere) there’s a Bellefontaine and I pronounced it “Bell-uh-fon-tayne” ….until a local heard me and (kindly) laughed. No, no, that’s bell-fountain (a bit of a let down if you ask me!). Apparently I try to over-Frenchify things.

      3. Merci Dee*

        As Cruciatus mentioned, the pronunciation for “placate” is play-kate.

        Placket (pronounced plack-ett) is the bit of fabric that covers the zipper on the front of your pants. It can also refer to a slit or opening in a garment, like a pocket.

        So both of those pronunciations are for valid words. :)

    13. Searching*

      I didn’t know how “ascertain” was pronounced. I always said it in my mind as ah-SUR-tun (like “a certain thing we have to do”). Not until I was in the middle of a high-stakes negotiation meeting did I find out it was ah-sur-TAYN (and only after a kind colleague figured out what I was repeatedly trying to say). I had definitely heard the word spoken before – it was kind of a Wakeen/Joaquim moment for me.

    14. Wrong name*

      I stood in a garden that had been tended to by Princess Beatrice back in the 1800s. And went ‘oh look, it’s Beet-rice’s’ :( I still get teased about that!!

  63. Weekend Warrior*

    Anyone else here interested in doing crafty things but can’t decide what to do (and worries about the clutter of abandoned projects)!

    I’m thinking of taking courses in specific projects at a local art store, supplies supplied. One of my friend has tried leatherwork, pottery, and glasswork. Inspiring!

    Has anyone else done this?

    1. Chocolate Teapot*

      I always wanted to make my own clothes, but have stuck to things like drawstring laundry bags. There is a corner of my living room piled with those blue Ikea bags full of fabric and empty biscuit tins containing reels of threads and pins and so forth.

      Once a quarter, there is a Dutch fabric market* in the local exhibition centre and there are always bargins to be had, so most people come with suitcases, shopping trollies or reinforcements to carry all their purchases.

      I have thought about taking up a handicraft, but there is nothing really available here or the classes are in a difficult to reach location, or not available on weekends when I would have the time to attend.

      *As in fabric sellers from the Netherlands.

      1. Weekend Warrior*

        Ha! My bags and tins are in a corner of the basement. I think I need a dedicated, organized space to do anything crafty. Hauling stuff on and off the dining room table is a recipe for disaster. That’s the appeal of the class-in-a-kit approach. Contained chaos.

    2. DanaScully*

      Yes! I’m really interested in making my own soy wax candles. I’m definitely aware of clutter as I live in a tiny flat with very little storage space. I think I’ll leave this idea on the back burner (ha ha) for a time when I have some more space. I’ve dipped my toe into the crocheting world but I never remember to count stitches and always end up with wonky edges.

      I’m also really interested in baking and cake decorating. Again, living in a tiny flat means I don’t have room for all of the tools needed to do this. There are classes at my local college in cake decorating but they clash with a regular appointment I have. Maybe some day!

    3. Kali*

      I did a drawing class once – which was great! – but now I’m really into making stuff for dolls. I wrote about it above, but I basically managed to get everything I needed – including a doll – for about £6. Some fat squares, thread, pins, and a fashion doll from poundland. It’s been really fun making things for her. I’m going to get some tiny storage suitcases and build a dollhouse in there, like a big polly pocket. I’ve already made her a little outfit; her storyline is that she’s 23, and a trainee accountant. The absolute best thing I’ve found though is instructional videos on how to mimic Leonid Afremov’s painting style. I’m going to get some mini-canvases – which are only a pound or two in the artshops near me – and practice until she can have her very own oil paintings. ^_^

    4. Cristina in England*

      To me there is no substitute for taking a class as a beginner especially when there is special equipment involved.

      I was just thinking about this tonight because I have dusted off my sewing machine. I took a sewing class at the shop where I bought it. The class was invaluable and I still have my notes. They make less sense as I haven’t read them in awhile but I would love to find another local sewing class (I live elsewhere now).

      I’ve done silversmithing classes and also “classes” that were really just staffed studio space with all the equipment. If I hadn’t had the proper classes I really would have been completely lost for the other ones.

      I would love to learn some new crafts but I also really want to improve my sewing technique as I can barely sew a straight line (knitting is so much easier for me).

    5. Wrench Turner*

      I have many a dark corner of the house haunted by the ghosts of the Unfinished Project. Sometimes I still pick them up and make progress…. but really, who am I kidding? Thing is I don’t worry about it. Try whatever you want, and if it blows up in to a passion great! Make good things and give them away. If it fizzles, don’t feel guilty about throwing them out and donate the supplies if you still can. Go for it! You only live once.

    6. Tau*

      Yep. Much yep.

      Past crafty pursuits include knitting, jewellery-making, and making chocolates. Knitting is the only one of those I’ve kept up. Making chocolates can be cool as a fancy gift, but is honestly way too much work and cleanup to be worth it most of the time (and I can’t get them quite professional because temperating chocolate is stupidly difficult). Making jewellery turned out pretty pointless because I barely ever wear any, I don’t know what I was thinking.

      The two that are currently tempting me are embroidery and sewing. Embroidery – I have a yearning for embroidered jeans but have never found any in a style and size I’d like. I got to thinking that hey, maybe I can just try it myself on ordinary jeans? I mainly need to think of something to start practicing with. Sewing, I have this want to try making my own clothes even though I know this is probably a terrible idea and way too complicated, I can barely use a sewing machine at all. I’m thinking I’ll try to see if I can modify some of my existing clothes (I lost a lot of weight over the last year so there’s a bunch of shirts that are way too big for me now – nothing to lose) and see how that goes.

      I don’t tend to do courses, but probably should! Jumping in via Youtube has led to some strange, strange places.

    7. Ismis*

      In Australia (and Auckland and Singapore, I see), there is Laneway Learning – they do lots of different classes so you can try your hand at crochet, jewellry making etc. Really fun courses – I haven’t gone in a while, but I highly recommend them.

      https://www.lanewaylearning.com/

    8. All Hail Queen Sally*

      I have taken sooooo many arts and crafts classes over the years: Macrame, knitting, Japanese ink brush painting, watercolors, drawing, quilting, fabric dyeing, tole painting, sewing, and many more. I have found that the ones I stick with the best are ones I can pick up and put down with a minimum of fuss. Ones that are messy and complicated usually get abandoned.

    9. Searching*

      I’ve signed up for a class in encaustic painting in the spring – can’t wait. I saw some beautiful works in that medium at an arts fair last year, and have wanted to learn more ever since. The class will provide all supplies except for the photos.

    10. Anonyme*

      I knit fairly intensely. I usually have a few projects on the go. A larger more complex project that I do at home or places I can concentrate. Then, since I work a lot of nights as a nurse, I have a simple low concentration projects that I can do while watching cardiac monitors and just toss aside and not be upset about if I have to run to a patient. I usually also have a long term blanket that uses up scraps on the go.
      Knitting also works so well for keeping occupied on flights, in waiting rooms, and is fairly social (most places have public knitting groups).
      Embroidery is next on my list though, I have a few cute animal kits to try it with. It also seems fairly portable.
      My partner sometimes needle felts, but finds it too stabby to do in public/people give him strange looks.

  64. Can't Sit Still*

    I took the Old Man cat into the vet for his lab work this morning. I use an animal hospital for my main vet, and there was an emergency ahead of me that didn’t end well. The staff kept apologizing for the wait, which felt awkward. It was just me with the Old Man, and a couple in the other lobby with a bouncy yellow Lab, who was very interested in the Old Man, since he’s deaf and shouts very loudly about how he’s being murdered whenever I take him to the vet.

    None of us were having the Bad Day the crying couple who left with the collar and the empty crate were. Do people really get mad about the wait in that situation? And if they do, what on earth is wrong with them? We all walk out with the collar and the empty crate sooner or later.

    1. Relosa*

      Some people genuinely do get upset about that, and I don’t understand why. It makes me wonder what their own animal actually means to them, if they cannot empathize with a family who has a pet in more serious need. I get the impression their pet is more of an accessory, or just an obligation to them, or a mark of status rather than a family member. And it’s people like that, that make me understand why rescue agencies can have such strict guidelines on who they adopt the animals out to.

      I’ve been the person with the emergency and while thankfully my Old Man survived (still truckin and just turned 14!), and the staff were incredibly helpful and kind, I got nasty looks and comments from the other families waiting. Mind you, my Old Man is an 85-lb malamute who had to be carried in and out on a stretcher because he couldn’t walk. I was too distraught to say anything but I would have gladly traded being delayed for a routine exam for the nightmare I woke up to that morning (Old Man sneezed, slipped a disc in his neck, paralyzed front legs, had to go to a special hospital and spend a week in the ICU, get MRI, and have surgery…plus the whole bit about teaching him to walk again).

    2. Turtlewings*

      Reading the “Not Always Right” website has taught me to never underestimate humanity’s capacity for selfishness, unfortunately.

    3. Ramona Flowers*

      A generous view is that maybe people are stressed and worried and that’s how it comes out. But I don’t know.

    4. Pennalynn Lott*

      One of my cats developed explosive diarrhea. We were frantically having her tested for everything under the sun (because all the usual stuff kept coming back negative) and I said something offhand to the vet about how good I was getting at cleaning diarrhea off the carpet, cat beds, couches, windows, etc. She immediately started apologizing and reiterating that she was doing everything she could think of to diagnose Kitty, and I had to cut her off. I was like, “I have cats. Cats are organic creatures that produce waste. I knew when I adopted them that I’d be cleaning their waste. I just feel bad because my cat seems to know that something is wrong, and she looks like she wants to hide when I clean her off. I feel like a horrible mom because I can’t magically solve her problem.”

      My vet choked up and said, “You have no idea how many people yell at me because their animals are ‘destroying’ their furniture and rugs when they have incontinence problems.” I was like, “If your couch is more important than your cat*, you shouldn’t have a cat.”

      *(Feel free to substitute dog, bird, lizard, rabbit, or human child).

    5. PlantLady*

      At various times I’ve been the person waiting for quite a while so the vet could handle someone else’s emergency, and been the one with the emergency (or the tragedy) who is holding other people up. All I need to hear from the person at the front desk is that there is an emergency and I suddenly have all the patience in the world.

      And the vets and their techs remember which clients are understanding of these things and which ones aren’t. I’ve always figured that’s one of the ways they sort the good clients from the bad.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        All I need to hear from the person at the front desk is that there is an emergency and I suddenly have all the patience in the world.

        This. I will ever remember how I felt the day I lost Pig and if anyone had got in my face when I rushed in with her, I would have probably ended up leaving there in a police car. I would never want to make someone else feel that way.

      2. Jill*

        I’ve been totally understanding when I’ve had to wait because they were dealing with an emergency, but I left a previous vet because I didn’t get the same consideration. I had been going to this vet for several years, and my cat got bit or scratched on his face and it became infected and blew up. I called the vet to see if I could bring him in, and was told they were totally booked. I tried explaining that I was a current customer and it was an emergency, and they wouldn’t budge, so I had to take him to an emergency vet.

        I wrote them a nasty letter and switched to a different vet.

    6. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      I’ve luckily never been the emergency (knock on wood), but I’ve waited in the past. There was one time that the dog was brought in about 30 seconds after I got there, and in a lull I quietly let the receptionist know that I was happy to wait, and also fine with rescheduling if it would make things easier for them. A routine check and vaccine can wait a few days! She responded that things would calm down in about 10 minutes, then be ok. I just smiled and said I’d just hang out and wait for them. The vet, when I saw her, thanked me. I told her that if it was my animal needing urgent care, I’d want them to drop everything. So I was happy to be dropped for a bit for another animal.

    7. AngelicGamer aka that visually impaired peep*

      I have been the one who came in and left with just a collar. We donated the crate and his blanket as it was just a ton easier to do so. Thank you (and everyone else) for saying you’d be patient because it was horrible. He wasn’t sick or old (he was only 10 and terrier breed) but had three seizures right in a row and then was just gone. I took it really hard (I was also the one to find him having the seizures) and I would have left in a police car if anyone complained about the fact that I displaced them in line.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I have left the crate in these situations. The thought of taking an empty one home… I just couldn’t.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I left Pig’s crate, but I took her home in a box because I wanted to bury her near her favorite bush with her toys. She has a little gravestone that I bought at a pet supply place. I donated her food, unused toys, dishes, and doghouse to the vet’s office also, all cleaned. They were happy to have them and said they would be used for “kitties in need.” When I sell this house and leave, I’m taking the gravestone with me and will mark the spot so buyers know there is a small grave there. They might not care, but if they’re doing work in the yard, I don’t want them to dig into it if they can avoid it.

          She bit me badly (not her fault) and it became infected and I ended up in the hospital for two days. Thanks for trying to take me with you, crazy kitty! :P

    8. Anonyme*

      People can be really strange when asked to wait. I sometimes nurse in an remote emergency room (for people) and have been yelled at about the wait by someone who was fine (small cut on their finger) while they could see me trying to resuscitate a patient, while I was covered in this patient’s blood.

    9. Can't Sit Still*

      Thank you all for sharing your stories. I have been fortunate(?) in that all of my vet euthanasia appointments have been scheduled in advance. I do know from being a client at the vet hospital that people are awful, just from waiting in the lobby and overhearing phone conversations, so I guess that goes for waiting “too long” too.

      The good news is that the Old Man’s thyroid has stabilized and his kidney function is normal! This is the best news. He’ll be 15 this summer. I am so happy I’ve been able to give him a home in his old age. When I adopted him a couple of years ago, he didn’t know what toys were, what wet food was, what catnip was, or anything, really, even though he’d been adopted at a year old as an indoor cat. (Animal Services found him in the street about six months before I adopted him, starving and in need of surgery. His owners never updated his chip, so it’s hard to tell if he got away or was thrown out.) Anyway, he is the sweetest Old Man, and I’m very happy I get to spoil him for hopefully a long time to come.

      1. MechanicalPencil*

        One of mine is similar — she didn’t know how to eat out of a food bowl when I first got her. She’s as sweet as the day is long, but she doesn’t understand what being a dog is. She’s grown into it a bit, but at 11ish, she’s still not into toys or things, though she does sort of do bones now. She has kinda started playing with other dogs, but her poor vision limits her a bit since she can’t exactly see them too well. And lord help us all if she doesn’t know where I am. She turns into Liam Neeson.

    10. Amadeo*

      As a former CVT having been on the receiving end of a rant from a client (more than once, different clients) who had to wait because of an emergency that required all hands I can say with confidence that people do actually show their behinds from time to time when made to wait in the event of an emergency.

      It wasn’t precisely that they viewed their own animal an an accessory, it was just that they were so self-absorbed and sucked into ‘me first’ that their time and their animal mattered far more than the seizing, dying creature in the treatment room and said creature’s owners. At least to them. Many, even most, clients were very understanding and if they could not wait, rescheduled, or otherwise made themselves comfortable in the waiting area, but there’s always that small subset.

  65. Courageous cat*

    How do you balance being really busy and having a lot on your plate with your emotional state? I am taking on A LOT this year, and I have always avoided doing so, because if something happens in my emotional state (like heartbreak or even sadness or something), it cripples me and I can’t keep all the balls in the air, and I fail. It’s only happened once when I was 20 and the stakes were much lower, but it’s the fear of it happening again that kept me away from following my dreams for so long. I have kept my life very low-commitment as a result.

    Basically I’m finally starting to follow my dream but I’m very afraid of not being able to keep it together if anything bad happens.

    I have been on SSRIs for anxiety most of my 20s, which helps, but I’ve been off for a bit and I’m trying not to revert back to them just because I’m scared. I don’t know if that’s productive.

    1. Pollygrammer*

      You can do it!

      Prioritize what you can slack on just in case you need to–let go of the housework? order in more? temporarily back off on a nonprofessional commitment or hobby? All totally fine.

      Think what step 1 is if you think things are going to start to slip: what do you do? who do you call?

      Have some excuses handy if you need a day or two. It’s totally okay to call out sick from work or anything else.

      Everybody is vulnerable in some area. Some people’s roadblocks come only from the outside (those lucky people, I hate them) and some of us have problems that originate in our bodies or brains, but everybody can be thrown off their game and nobody’s success is foolproof.

      I try to remember this: if I drop the ball, then the ball is on the ground, and that sucks. Sometimes I can pick it up again. Sometimes it’s broken and I can’t, which really sucks. But it doesn’t explode and kill everyone. It’s just on the ground.

    2. Turtlewings*

      Honestly no, I don’t think it’s productive to avoid taking a medication that would help your brain function the way it’s supposed to so you don’t have to build your life around your anxiety. That’s the whole point of the existence of the medication. I need glasses or else I can’t see worth a tinker’s darn; I could, in theory, not wear them and it wouldn’t kill me, I’d just have to severely limit my life due to my inability to see. Why on Earth would I do that when I can just put on my glasses?

      A particularly stressful year when you have a lot going on and have doubts about your ability to keep it together is the textbook perfect #1 time to take your anxiety meds. Our culture has a big stigma about taking medication for mental health, but don’t buy into it. Wear your glasses. Treat your illness and live your life.

      1. Not Always*

        There are often significant side effects to these types of meds, so your glasses metaphor falls apart. SSRIs killed my libido to the point that my marriage was in trouble. They also made my mouth so dry that my tongue would split open, and I would wake up with a mouthful of blood. I ended up with a revolting gum infection.

        I can’t say if that’s Cat’s reasoning or not, but just wanted to point out that it isn’t always such a black-and-white decision.

        1. Turtlewings*

          That sounds awful and I’m sorry it happened to you, but I feel like that’s a situation where you adjust dosage or try a different med, not give up on all of modern medicine. Cat says she doesn’t want to go back on the meds “just because she’s scared” but the meds exist specifically to help her not be scared. It sounds to me like she’s resisting the idea just because she feels like she “shouldn’t” need the medicine, and I feel like that’s a completely unhelpful approach to solving the problem.

          1. Courageous cat*

            You will probably never see this but I only just now remembered I made this comment and came back to follow up. I totally hear you and I waiver back and forth between thinking “this is exactly why I SHOULD take them” and what I think now. I’m very pro-medicine but I am having trouble discerning if my feelings are normal and healthy and I should try to work through them, or if they’re out-of-range for what most people would be feeling for this life change, and I should be considering treating them.

            I hope that makes sense to try to clarify. I think I will definitely seriously consider going back on them if my overwhelmedness lasts much longer.

        2. ThatGirl*

          There are a wide range of antidepressants out there, the solution is usually to try something new, not give up. Source: spouse who’s taken a few years to find the right combo, and is a mental health counselor himself.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Heartbreak and sadness. Sounds like we are talking about grief.
      Yeah, grief is really destructive; it can break down our lives for us. This is how powerful grief is. And if we have an underlying thing in place, then grief can really pack a wallop. When my father passed, I ended up pretty much not being able to function. Everything was wrong, heart arrhythmias, vomiting, aches, panic attacks– eh the list goes on. It took a few years to build myself back up again.

      My best suggestion is to learn about grief during a calm time in your life. Think about it this way, we can’t learn CPR when a person keels over in front of us, it’s too late. Same deal with grief. When the grief hits it is just too hard to learn about what grief is and what it does. This is because we are too busy grieving.

      So teach yourself about grief. What causes grief? (losses, such as jobs, homes, pets, friendships.. it is not always just death that causes grief.) What are the symptoms of grief? ( can’t sleep/can’t stay awake; can’t eat/eating too much, etc. We all grieve differently and this is okay.)
      What do we do about it? Well, for one thing we can learn how we ourselves process grief. I go straight for the chocolate. This is such a bad plan for me, it brings on so many more symptoms. So the next time I experienced a huge loss, I decided that I would stick to a healthy diet. Since I did not care what I ate, this really did not matter as much as I thought it would. And the better food choices helped me remain a little more together.
      I also know that my heart beats funny when I am in grief, so I get that vitamin B going on right away before the problem starts.

      You can find books on grief. I usually say just pick out one. This is because you are actually going to read it. I know if I bring home ten, I won’t read any. So pick the one that sounds like the author is talking to YOU. Read that one. The consider getting another one to read. Or join a grief group, not because you are grieving right now but because you want to learn so you can help yourself better in the future.

      In the example you give here of not being able to keep all the balls in the air that would be typical of a person in grief. Grieving minds are forgetful and we just don’t have the energy because grief has zapped our energy. The basics, delegate the things you can, let go of the things that don’t matter and use lists for the rest of it. You may need to step back from some things in order to preserve your health. This is okay to do. What good is having a big fancy job if you can’t get out of bed? Keep your health intact first, you can rebuild on a different day.

      Now that you know that grief hits you hard, you can line up several tools. I used diet/hydration, walks, and touching base with friends routinely. Yeah, I did much better the second time grief hit that I was able to go for walks.

      Finally, just a good life plan. When we see something that we know is a hurdle or a wall for us, we need to build a plan to begin to deal with it. A half baked plan will give us some benefit. It’s not an all or nothing thing. If you fear losing your job because grief has rendered you bedridden then part of a good plan for you would to be to build up some savings so you have that emergency money. Oddly, when we go to these extremes to take care of ourselves it can help us deal with anxiety better. This is because we know we are preparing as best we can. I remember my husband said that he would get to worrying what if one or both of us lost our jobs? Then he remembered, I had taken what was left of from my father’s estate and invested it. We had 6 months to figure out how to fix our lack of employment. Then he exhaled.

      1. Courageous cat*

        Thank you for this. I realize I’m a week late so you may never see this, but I appreciate this comment and will think about it moving forward.

  66. D'oh!*

    If you’re engaged and you meet a new person you have an unusually great connection with, how do you know if it’s a normal kind of attraction you’ll have to learn to not act on vs. your fiance isn’t the right person after all vs. you’re not ready for marriage at all?

    1. nep*

      Good question. I don’t have the answer — I’ll be interested in reading responses. (My initial thought is, time could tell a lot.)

    2. mollygus*

      I think there’s going to be “unusually great connections” through the relationship. The key, for me at least, is realizing I wouldn’t want to leave my husband to act on/attempt to act on the other relationship. There’s a voice saying “nope, not worth it”. It’s just a thought process that happens automatically. IDK if it makes sense, but I’ve found it to be true. I can’t speak to knowing if you’re ready for marriage at all though.

    3. Marriage Advice*

      I’ve been on the other side– the fiancée with the partner wondering this. My husband felt that when he met his future spouse he would immediately know, but he didn’t feel that way when he first met me. When we were engaged, he ran into someone who he had dated and he felt an intense connection with. As a result, he had second thoughts about our relationship. We were very close to ending our engagement, but he made the choice to focus on our relationship.
      We’ve talked about this a number of times throughout our marriage. While I’ll never know 100% of what is going on in his head, he’s said that he is very happy we stayed together and I trust him. Marriage isn’t easy. It takes a lot of work. You have to still manage to be attracted to and supportive of each other after having a fight about the dishes or finances or your mother. When life throws a curve ball, you have to work through that together even if it means changing some major parts of your life.
      You’re not going to know if someone is a better partner for you after just a few interactions. But if the areas you’re connecting (emotionally, intellectually, or sexually) are areas important to you and missing from your current relationship, then that is a conversation to have with your current partner before deciding to end a relationship.

    4. Ithinkillbe anonymousforthis*

      Its just a giant leap of faith. There is no One True Person for you. There are many Sorta True People and each will be great in some ways and not so great in others. It’s possible that both this guy and your fiancée are Sorta True matches for you. It’s possible new guy is shining a light on serious deficits or incompatibilities in your fiancée. It’s likely this new guy is an object lesson in how the grass looks greener with someone else who will end up with just as many imperfections as your fiancée. You’ll never get to run this life again and take the other path so you’ll never know if the choice you make is the right one. And all paths, all people take work and compromise and actively choosing to build a life with that person.

      I love and adore my husband. We’ve been together for 18 years and are raising a teenager. One of the ongoing challenges of our relationships is something that others would consider a complete deal breaker and sometimes I wonder if I should too, if this thing is a sign we shouldn’t be together. But I keep coming back to the love and companionship that we share and this awesome life we’ve built together. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

      Ultimately, I don’t think you ever know…you decide.

      2. nep*

        I love everything about this.
        That can apply to many things in life — you don’t ever really know; you decide.
        (And re: grass being greener, I like the line I once saw — something like: The grass is greener…where you water it.)
        All the best, OP. Let us know what you think and how it goes.

      3. Hrovitnir*

        Awesome response! I particularly like “there are many Sorta True People and each will be great in some ways and not so great in others.”

      4. Not So NewReader*

        I agree that we decide.
        Love is not an emotion, it’s a commitment. You decide to commit to this person for life.
        New person is emotion, fiance is commitment.

      5. Tretinoin Newbie*

        You hit the nail on the head :) You don’t KNOW; you decide and honor the decision.

        Caveat: you’ve made an informed decision and not just rushed into things.

    5. Rocketship*

      mollygus is absolutely right that you’ll run across these unusually great connections throughout the rest of your life. The key realization for me, in that situation, was realizing: it doesn’t mean anything about your current relationship.

      I’ve been in a polyamorous relationship for the past 4 years, and while it may seem paradoxical, it’s really helped me realize that a) it’s totally normal to be attracted to people that are not your current/closest/only partner, and b) what you do with that information is totally up to you.

      Attraction is not a choice – but love is, and that’s the wonderful thing about it. You’re ready for marriage when you choose to be. Your attraction (or lack thereof) to other people is a totally separate thing. It doesn’t automatically mean your fiancee isn’t the right person for you, because you get to decide whether or not that’s true.

      Here’s the funny thing: my partner and I have been polyamorous since day 1. But neither of us have dated anyone else for probably a good couple of years now. At the end of the day, I’d just rather be with him. That may not always be true, and that’s okay. Doesn’t mean our relationship is over, or even in trouble – any more than it does when I go to see a friend without him.

      Our society tends to tell this story that There Is Only One True Love For You, plus Love Just Happens, with a big side of Once You Find The One, You Will Magically Stop Having Attractions And Also It Is Impossible To Control Feelings And Having Feelings When You Shouldn’t Means You Are Bad And Your Relationship Is Doomed. These are all destructive (and long-winded) myths, and these stories don’t teach us anything about how to build an intentional, solid, fulfilling relationship with anyone.

      TL;DR: Being attracted to people is a normal thing whether you’re in a committed relationship or not. What it means for your current relationship is whatever you decide it means – but it’s certainly not a sign that your relationship is automatically doomed or that you are unfit for commitment.

    6. Stellaaaaa*

      For me, my “unusually great connections” are usually with great-looking guys who have a certain flash about them but really, REALLY don’t share my values. I just keep that in mind.

    7. Wrench Turner*

      I met my One True Love several times and was totally devastated -sometimes for years- when the relationship failed. Sometimes I still have dreams about them. The person I married I wasn’t super bananas crazy about but is someone I could’ve been lifelong friends with and has helped me be a better person. I wish I knew them 20 years ago.

      Love is complicated. Love is weird. It isn’t patient. It isn’t kind. Love shouldn’t be the only guideline for marriage. There are folks now I love but didn’t -and wouldn’t, if given the chance- marry. Marriage is more than Happily Ever After, it’s a promise. A joining of houses building something greater than yourself. Love is a chemical reaction analogous to eating a sufficient amount of chocolate.

      Who knows what the future with your fiance will bring? Maybe you can include a new fling or two along for the ride. Following when your heart leaps is good for Hollywood and Hallmark movies but lousy when the credits stop rolling and the lights come up the next morning.

    8. Optimistic Prime*

      Just because you connect with someone really well doesn’t mean that your fiance isn’t the right person or that you aren’t read for marriage. Married people aren’t dead :D and we have attractions and connections all the time. The real question of whether or not you want to be with your fiance has more to do with your fiance, and you, than anyone else. You do learn over time to be comfortable with, and even amused by, the fact that you’ll still get flutters with someone else but will choose not to engage.

    9. Maya Elena*

      The other comments are all right, but I wanted to share my exact steps for coping with theae thoughts when I had them early into an engagement. (I’m assuming you’re a woman engaged to a man here.)

      1) Don’t freeze new person out (if the connection is otherwise appropriate, e.g. friend or friend or coworker) but set strict boundaries on yourself not to send romantic messaging. That means: don’t exchange numbets or FB friend; if you did, never message first and don’t get into long strings of messages; don’t drink together alone ever.
      However, your interactions with new person will likely betray a flaw you didn’t immediately see (a small beer belly, weird eating habits, strange political views, etc.)

      2) Evaluate what attracts you in New Person that’s missing in your current relationship. This will help you think about your relationship and its viability and whether you should marry. Actually articulate, even write down, answers to the following:
      -what’s missing?
      -did your current relationship ever have it?
      -would this missing element disappear three months into ANY relationship? (E.g. scintillating sexual tension)
      -what would your fiance need to do to fill this deficiency? (Stop playing video games? Do dishes? Vote for a different party?) Be honest with yourself here.
      -Is such a change feasible to achieve?
      -if not, can you live with it FOREVER if the deficiency gets more pronounced?

      3) Wait. No need to compromise your dignity or status quo prematurely. New person may show themselves to be an add, or might disappear entirely; fiance might suddenly go on a self-improvement binge and start exercising and making decisions ans dressing sharply. Etc.

      Extra credit: read “mating in captivity” by Esther Perel.

      Anyway, I got lucky and my findings, when doing the above was “nah, random guy was just pretty and friendly, but inferior in every way to my fiance”.
      Hope you find your clarity!

    10. LilySparrow*

      Married 14 years, very happily. It’s not about finding The Right Person. It’s about choosing.
      Choosing a partner of good character with good relationship skills. Choosing to be a partner of good character with good relationship skills. Choosing to treat your partner lovingly whether or not you feel sparkly. Choosing to ask for what you need to feel loved.
      And so forth.
      If you have a relationship that made you want to marry someone, it’s unlikely that a stranger can instantly know & care for you mire than your partner. So that feeling of connection is coming from inside you, responding to some need or fear that this new person represents.

      So what has this great connection revealed to you? Can you talk to your fiance about that need or fear? That’s the important thing to figure out.

  67. Amber Rose*

    I have Lasik scheduled for Thursday. I’m scared but excited. As soon as I am allowed to drive again, I plan to buy myself some badass sunglasses.

    2. Wrench Turner*

      It’s gonna be great. My wife had it and was done before I finished checking Twitter. Seriously like 15 minutes. The first week is a bear but you’ll love just buying new shades off the rack. Stick with the doctors’ advice and you’ll be in cheap sunglasses in no time!

    3. Fake old Converse shoes*

      Good luck! I was about to be operated by one of the best surgeons in my area when I was laid off, and my non-work insurance only covers the procedure for the extreme cases. I still have the drops in the fridge.

  68. Anon Today*

    Yesterday my family had our New Years get together (everyone was traveling for the real thing or had to work and this was the day everyone could make it). My cousin and his wife announced that she is 13 weeks pregnant. They are 10 years younger than me and just got married last year.

    I’m turning 51 next month. Not married, never have been and don’t have any kids. I have always to get pregnant and have a a child and I still do. After my cousin got married, I became the only person on both my mom’s side of the family and my dad’s to be unmarried/single (not counting the ones college aged and under). When their baby is born I will be the only one who is childless (again college aged and under). I never thought I would the spinster aunt with no kids. I am also the only person in any of my social/friend groups who is single/unmarried and doesn’t have kids.

    I know it sounds horrible but I had to force myself to smile and look happy for them. I want to get married. I really, really want to get pregnant and have a baby. I still get my monthly visit, if it stops I swear I will be devastated because I really want to have a baby. I have tried getting out there to meet guys but it’s always that they are already married, or are divorced and aren’t looking for marriage and kids, or are chasing younger women and not looking for someone their own age/in their 50s. I usually skip things I see online about babies and pregnancy because I get sad when I read them because I want kids.

    Just needed to vent, that’s all. I don’t expect anyone else to be in the same boat as me but I needed to get it off my chest and I can’t say it to anyone I know and don’t want to look like sour grapes and spoil my cousin’s happiness. Thank-you for listening.

    1. Book Lover*

      I am so sorry :(. I can understand how that would have made you feel more isolated and alone.

    2. Turtlewings*

      I’m only 33 but definitely feeling some measure of the same thing, as all my friends, siblings and cousins pair off and start families. Honestly, I’d be terrified of having a (first!) biological child at age 50, but if you’re determined to do it, I don’t think you should delay any longer. It can only get harder on your body, and you could lose the option at any time. I really don’t mean to be a harbinger of panic and doom here, I’m sure what I’m saying isn’t news to you. But the thing is, in the end you can’t control whether you’ll meet someone you want to marry — but you can absolutely choose to have children now and stop waiting for some dude to make it possible. I’ve considered doing that myself. Go to a sperm bank and make your dream happen now!

    3. Alice*

      I’m sorry, that must have been frustrating. Your description doesn’t sound horrible at all – you are being thoughtful of our cousins and their happiness and at the same time honest about your own feelings and desires. I hope that things work out well.

    4. Ramona Flowers*

      It doesn’t sound horrible OF you. It sounds horrible FOR you. Just because this is officially a happy occasion for them, does not make you horrible for being upset. Their happiness doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to feel sadness. I’m sorry – this sounds so hard.

    5. Dude*

      Have you thought about adoption, fostering, or sperm donation?

      It doesn’t provide a marriage obviously, but it’ll allow you to have a child, which seems important to you.

      1. Anon Today*

        Those are not options for me as my beliefs and religion dictate I should only have children within marriage. Treatments such as sperm donation and the like are also forbidden under any circumstance. As much as I would like to have a children, following my religion is more important to me [These are beliefs I hold for myself only. I don’t expect anyone else to follow them, nor do I preach or judge others who don’t. I strongly believe in freedom of and from religion and the separation of church and state.]

        1. New Bee*

          That’s really hard. Do you know someone who shares your religious beliefs who you can confide in? It could be helpful to talk to someone who knows where you’re coming from (and who perhaps knows of success stories from other people in your position).

          Also, maybe it will help you to recognize your own agency (if you wanted, you could have children, but you are choosing to follow God’s plan*) and feel more empowered about your choices.

          *Not making assumptions about your beliefs, that’s just language I’ve heard religious people use before to explain, for example, waiting until marriage to have sex.

        2. Kuododi*

          I’m right with you sweetheart. Cancer made biological parenting impossible for us back when I was 29. I still don’t attend baby showers, Mother’s Day, or Father’s day services all these years later. The thoughts make my skin crawl. I cringe everytime someone suggests adoption or fostering as if that would be some consolation prize. I don’t know what the future holds…you are in my heart and I pray that your ache will subside.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I’m in this same boat, and honestly, most of us who are have considered these things and, for various reasons, decided they’re not right for us or can’t access them. So no need to bring them up. :)

        For me, it’s that I don’t want to do it alone (although if I randomly got pregnant, I’d have it). And that too is a valid choice.

      3. Ramona Flowers*

        I know you mean well but I for one find it exhausting having to field comments about these other options. Most people have heard of them. I understand your comment was well meant but if someone wants suggestions for alternatives they will likely ask for them.

    6. Overeducated*

      I am sorry. Seeing others get your heart’s desire is not easy and neither is trying to act happy for them. Your feelings are valid and nothing to feel guilty about. I hope you get your chance.

    7. Thursday Next*

      It’s hard to watch other people get something you want. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. What helps me, when I’m in a frame of mind to appreciate perspective (which isn’t always!) is to reflect that for all the enviable things about someone else’s life, there are also things that aren’t. Has being single/not having a child allowed you to do something you might not have been able to do otherwise? It doesn’t have to be big stuff, like a yearlong trip around the world; it could be something smaller, like business travel on short notice, sleeping in till you feel like getting up, eating pancakes for dinner every day for a week…. This is not to minimize the very real pain you are experiencing. Just to give you something to put alongside it.

      1. Bibliovore*

        The not having kids thing is really, really, really hard. Mine is due to medical issues and the other options were not going to happen for me.
        When it came time to reconcile my not having kids with the reality of my life, I was able to find comfort in what Thursday Next said. I was able to identify service (community, family, etc) that only I could provide because of my child free existence.
        And yes although it is not the same, I am the go-to for family and friends as the fabulous aunt, god-mother etc.
        And heres the thing.
        I am now at the age that all of those peers who had kids are empty nesters. Eventually no one has babies at home.

    9. Tretinoin Newbie*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this, and your feelings are not horrible. You certainly still have plenty of time to meet the right guy and even have a baby ( time not so plenteous, but still viable)

      You stated that it’s been hard to meet someone. Unsolicited suggestion here: have you considered E Harmony? It’s a dating site with a good reputation (i.e.,not sleazy), and it’s successful among religious people. One must pay, and there are documented cases of people falling in love and getting married.

      Consider taking a look at the site? You might be surprised!

      May you be happily married and nursing (if you choose) your little one in the very near future! Amen

  69. Mrs Forename Surname*

    For those of you in relationships, I have a few questions. Feel free to answer all, some or none:

    1. How often do you argue with your significant other?
    2. Do your arguments tend to have the same themes repeatedly or are they different?
    3. In your opinion, how often is too often when it comes to arguments?
    4. How often would you say your arguments get to shouting levels?
    5. After an average argument, how long does it take the two of you to reconcile?
    6. Is it always the same person who closes the argument down and tries to resolve it?

    Trying to get a sense of what’s “normal” – thanks for any replies.

    1. Helpful*

      Good question.

      1. We disagree on something every month or so. Usually pretty minor stuff.
      2. Often it’s how to spend money/ what’s our top priority right now / I have a need that’s not being met.
      3. I couldn’t stand being in constant conflict.
      4. Never. I have a low tolerance for ugly fights.
      5. Within a day.
      6. We both strive for humility and grace which means we both are willing to apologize first and forgive quickly.

    2. Marriage Advice*

      1. Couple of times a week
      2. Both, but I’d say most often various iterations of the same theme (we have two kids and both have full time jobs, so fights are usually about chores)
      3. If we are arguing several times a day, we need to have a bigger conversation. Usually if we’re in a bad place, we haven’t made time for each other and we need to have a date or a “date”
      4. Couple of times a year, maybe less now
      5. Sometimes immediately, sometimes we need a day or two
      6. Pretty even if I think about it rationally, but it feels like I’m always the one

      One thing that helped us with fighting is to have some ground rules. We never mention divorce. We try to keep our volume down and words respectful. We try to recognize when we have a need that isn’t being met and ask for what we need instead of picking a fight.

      Ultimately what is normal is whatever you’re comfortable with.

    3. anon24*

      1. Goes in cycles. We can go months without an argument and then wham have a couple. But usually we try to deal with things before it hits argument point.
      2. Usually the same stuff. We’ve resolved most of it but there’s one or 2 things we still argue about.
      3.IMO, any argument is too much. “Disagreements” are different to me. I see an argument as more of an “I’m right and you’re stupid” whereas to me a disagreement is more respectful “I feel X” “ok I feel Y how do we make this work”. But perhaps this is just me being nitpicky with terminology.
      4. Never! We do not raise voices! If it gets to voice raising levels we disengage and come back to it later. Nothing is accomplished with raised voices that a respectful discussion can’t.
      5. I believe in never going to bed angry and never letting him walk out the door without saying I love you, so pretty quickly.
      6. Nope. We both do.

    4. Ramona Flowers*

      1. How often do you argue with your significant other?
      Not that often. We get grumpy with each other at times, but we argue pretty rarely. Maybe 3-4 times a year.

      2. Do your arguments tend to have the same themes repeatedly or are they different?
      They’re different, I think, but you could maybe pick out some linked themes.

      3. In your opinion, how often is too often when it comes to arguments?
      Well, that depends on context. For example we are normally good at talking about stuff and generally have a very good strong relationship so it’s okay that we occasionally argue because we don’t end up in an argument every time we disagree and usually manage to discuss rather than argue.

      4. How often would you say your arguments get to shouting levels?
      Never. I have PTSD and this would not be okay for me.

      5. After an average argument, how long does it take the two of you to reconcile?
      We always reconcile straightaway in terms of our relationship even if it means leaving the issue itself unresolved. We do not ever go to sleep mad at each other.,

      6. Is it always the same person who closes the argument down and tries to resolve it?
      No. It’s whoever realises first. I think it’s probably him two thirds of the time but it’s definitely not just one person.

      We also have a rule that either of us can stop an argument and call time out. We actually have a safe word type of thing but with a picture – it started as a joke when I showed him a picture of a bunny and said we should stop arguing as we might upset this bunny. It became a serious thing that if you produce a picture of a bunny then it’s time out. I maaaay have been guilty of saying “No I am not going to look at your bunny, I’m not done talking!” and then we both collapsed in laughter.

    5. Lissa*

      1. Maybe once every 2 or 3 months
      2. Yes and no? They usually involve one or both of us being at the end of our rope with other things so personality conflicts come to play, but the actual content is varied.
      3. Actual arguments, I’d say more than we do wouldn’t feel great, and generally worse if it’s the same thing againa need again.
      4. Never. We both grew up with screaming, angry rage at home and neither of us can handle it even a little bit.
      5. 30 minutes to an hour, usually one of us goes for a walk and it’s fine when we reunite.
      6. I feel like we both get to the same point where we realize it’s time to stop going in circles and end the conversation even if we don’t agree.

    6. Reba*

      1. Rarely
      2. Different
      3. Depends on what the outcome of the arguments is, I think. Do you resolve something and get closer, understand one another better after? Or just stew and feel bad?
      4. NEVER. Occasionally we have gotten to firm/slightly raised voice, usually when we get to that one thing that just makes one or the other of us tetchy. For example, I *hate* the feeling of someone putting words in my mouth (e.g. “so you’re saying we should just blah blah blah”), I really resent it and will say something like “Whoa, I did NOT say that.” Yelling is completely not acceptable to me. I like to think I would leave a relationship with yelling, though I understand it’s not as radioactive a communication style for everyone as it is for me.
      5. Few hours. I am totally down with going to bed angry, arguments are not improved by fatigue and I feel better after sleeping. :)
      6. No. We have different needs about what makes us feel the argument is done: apology, hug + affirmation… just depends and I think we’re still figuring those needs out.

      Hope all is well with you, Mrs Forename Surname!

    7. Mouse*

      1. How often do you argue with your significant other?
      At least 3 or 4 times per week.

      2. Do your arguments tend to have the same themes repeatedly or are they different?
      Always the same themes. We have several long-term extremely stressful problems that aren’t going away any time soon. One example is a parent with dementia who can’t afford medical care.

      3. In your opinion, how often is too often when it comes to arguments?
      It depends on how you argue, really. What we do is mostly venting and frustration, so there’s no insults/mockery/cold shoulder-type of behaviors.

      4. How often would you say your arguments get to shouting levels?
      Often, but this may be cultural. We’re both from loud, dramatic/emphatic backgrounds.

      5. After an average argument, how long does it take the two of you to reconcile?
      About 10-20 minutes.

      6. Is it always the same person who closes the argument down and tries to resolve it?
      No, it’s split pretty evenly.

      Trying to get a sense of what’s “normal” – thanks for any replies.

    8. paul*

      1. How often do you argue with your significant other?
      A: Disclosure: I’m taking “argue” to mean at least some frustration/upset feelings, so more than simple disagreement. And it varies. More than I’d like lately; we’re both under a good deal of stress from school, and work, and family members health. It has *not* been a great year and a half or so for either of us. Maybe once a month or so? Not usually shouting or anything though.

      2. Do your arguments tend to have the same themes repeatedly or are they different?
      A: There’s definitely over-arching themes, but the specifics are different. My wife thinks I can be impulsive, I think she can be too unwilling to deal with stuff that’s bothering her/do anything that involves asking anyone but me to do something. We generally don’t mind each other following our own leads but once ina while a specific circumstance hits both our hot buttons. Like last week…we had to spend three days tearing apart the house to find her eyeglasses Rx rather than call the optometrist office for it because she thought it would be rude to do so–I lost it and said some things I shouldn’t have, but I’m also still irate about the situation as a whole.

      3. In your opinion, how often is too often when it comes to arguments?
      A: Varies on how you define arguments and how bad they are.

      4. How often would you say your arguments get to shouting levels?
      Last week was the first time we shouted at each other in anger in at least 5 or 6 years–maybe longer (we may have during buying a house too).

      5. After an average argument, how long does it take the two of you to reconcile?
      A day or so, max.

      6. Is it always the same person who closes the argument down and tries to resolve it?
      No. We both try to be good at recognizing when we’re getting frustrated and need to stop, and we both respect when the other person wants to. So either of us can call for a halt and we stop. If it’s a situation that still needs resolved (like how much time I spent on video games a while back), we’ll cool off and come back to it in a day or so after we’ve both had a chance to breath and organize our thoughts. It’s not so much about winning an argument as trying to find a way to solve a situation that works for us both.

      1. paul*

        Expanding: I go around and around in my head on “argument”: we have disagreements about how to handle specific issues pretty often but I don’t consider them to be arguments unless there’s like, an undercurrent of irritation during a real portion of the discussion. But I consider it an argument well before shouting too.

        I have too work on my internal definitions here, your question is making me wonder a lot about what I consider arguing.

    9. another person*

      1. Little arguments/grumpiness maybe 1x per week–the sort of thing that can get resolved usually by sleep or food
      Actual arguments maybe 1x a month, or once every few months–my husband also travels for work a lot right now so there’s not much time to get into fights
      2. Yeah, there’s usually 2-3 themes that they are based on.
      3. what I’m at seems fine, i wouldn’t WANT to fight more, I’d like to argue less
      4. Maybe once a year? Almost never more than 1 min of shouting (well, raised voices) because we take a break if that happens.
      5. A couple hours, usually?
      6. I feel like it’s mostly me, but that also might be biased.

    10. Grumpy*

      Almost never, I can’t remember the last one. Knock on wood, seriously.
      I do wonder if it’s because we are both always exhausted from work, of if it’s because I’m ignoring things that bother me and I will grenade one day over nothing.

    11. Any Mouse Wife*

      1. Very rarely. Once a year?
      2. They’re different.
      3. Too often for me would be anything above once a month. I think we might argue too little, now, though.
      4. Never.
      5. 2-6 hours, or by next morning if it’s late at night.
      6. Nope.

      Usually, our disagreements are settled pretty quickly and amicably, and they aren’t very serious – so I wouldn’t call that an argument. There’s not even much back-and-forth. We also just don’t talk much about areas where we have more serious disagreements, and honestly we should probably talk about these more often to settle them out instead of building up resentment or unhappiness. In particular, I don’t tell him often when I’m unhappy about something that I’m not sure is a big deal; often that ends up being a good strategy over small things that look pretty insignificant a few hours later, but I’ve found it’s a pretty bad long-term strategy for more recurring issues like chores he’s left undone.

      We don’t yell at each other. We discuss some options to the issue at hand.

      1. Reba*

        Can I ask what the thinking is on “arguing too little”? What does that mean to you?

        I feel like I hear this a lot, an assumption that some level of conflict is necessary/positive.

        1. fposte*

          I don’t want to speak for Any Mouse Wife, but the work of marriage researcher John Gottman is absolutely fascinating and relevant here. He breaks couple relationships down roughly into three styles: conflict-avoidant (prioritizing low conflict), validating (focused on understanding each other), and volatile (comfortable with conflict). Any of these can work very well–the validating style is the one most popularly associated with healthy relationships, but he found lots of couples in the avoidant and volatile styles who were happy in their marriages as well. What’s interesting is that in all of them the ratio of positive interactions to negative in happy couples stayed roughly the same–the volatile couples might yell more but they also initiated affectionate contact more often. But a certain range of negative interaction was always present (he fancifully compares it to the important role of a predator in an ecosystem) in happy couples, and lowering the rate didn’t mean they were any happier.

          He also suggested (or found, can’t remember) that those styles all carried their own special risks, and the risk of a conflict-avoidant pattern was going beyond downplaying conflict to being insufficiently engaged.

          Read some of his stuff; it’s really fascinating, and lots of it is non-scholarly. (Looks like there’s a bunch on the Gottman Institute website, too.)

          1. Reba*

            Thanks, fposte. I have heard of this Gottman before and I’ll have to actually follow through at looking it up.

            Now I’m imagining which aspects of my marriage are the tiger and which the little deer. Or goats. :)

    12. Courtney*

      1. One every couple of months, I think? Unless you’re counting super minor annoyances that can be resolved in like a minute, then probably more like once a week.

      2. Similar themes.

      3. Depends on what you consider to be an argument. If you mean like a yelling, nasty argument, I would not stay in a relationship where that was happening on anything approaching a regular basis – even every few months would be too much.

      4. We’ve only had this happen once. (We’ve been together for nine years.)

      5. The above mentioned argument was the only time the argument wasn’t resolved in the initial conversation.

      6. It’s generally a joint effort.

    13. Pennalynn Lott*

      1. All. The. Damned. Time. As in, multiple times a day, if I fall for his goading and baiting.

      2. Yes, same theme over and over and over again. (The theme being, “Pennalynn is evil and if she’d only change EVERYTHING about herself, according to whims that change moment to moment and which are never clearly articulated, then Boyfriend’s life would be perfect.”)

      3. Quarterly is too often.

      4. Raised voices? Multiple times per week, probably daily. Actual uncontrolled shouting? Very rarely now, because I walk away.

      5. He is ready to reconcile the next day because he has ADHD and every day is Groundhog Day (except for that ever-present feeling that everything wrong in his life — from birth until now — is all my fault). He just can’t remember specifics, but he knows I’m evil and controlling and unloving and unsupportive and every other negative adjective you can think of, because I’ve heard them all.

      6. Yes. Me. Although I gave up on resolution a while ago. I’m happy now just for silence.

      [Boyfriend is an active addict with ADHD and other mental/personality disorders. If your relationship resembles what I’ve outlined above, GET OUT NOW. Or at least as quickly as you can.]

        1. Pennalynn Lott*

          Thanks. It’s definitely no picnic. I’ve written before about my exit plan. The hardest part is practicing patience to let it play out to fruition. I wish someone with authority on the subject would have sat me down 14 years ago and said, “This combination of personality disorders is permanent and intractable. He will never change. This, right here, with the raging and the screaming and the blaming, is as good as it’s ever going to get. Can you live with that?” Assuming I would have listened to them, my life would be a whole lot different right now.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            So very sorry. My wish for you is many, many bright sunny days in your new life on your own. And I hope you get that life started soon.

    14. Beatrice*

      1. How often do you argue with your significant other? Probably 2-4 times a month.
      2. Do your arguments tend to have the same themes repeatedly or are they different? There are recurring themes, but those themes have evolved over the years. For example, we almost never argue over money anymore, but we argue about how we’ll spend time now.
      3. In your opinion, how often is too often when it comes to arguments? Hard to say. I think it depends on the severity of the argument and on how healthy the relationship is between arguments.
      4. How often would you say your arguments get to shouting levels? Almost never. I am the only one inclined to shout, and I almost never do it unless I’m being shouted at. He doesn’t shout, so I rarely do.
      5. After an average argument, how long does it take the two of you to reconcile? Hours, if that, but on some issues, the problem is often not settled, we just choose to stop talking about it for a while or we settle a small decision without resolving the major problem.
      6. Is it always the same person who closes the argument down and tries to resolve it? No, and most often we are both working to communicate clearly and understand each other at the same time.

    15. Not That Jane*

      1) Arguments, like that we would both define as real “fights,” maybe 5-10 times a year? Negotiations that have the potential to become fights, maybe weekly. But we are working on strategies to reduce the chances that any particular negotiation becomes a fight.
      2) They aren’t always triggered by the same stuff, but as we get deeper into them, they tend to have similar patterns or themes. For instance, I tend to not share things that are bothering me until they reach crisis-level, which means that often the fight from my perspective is the culmination of a lot of little stuff, while from his perspective it’s like, Whoa, she’s really mad about this minor thing right now.
      3) How often is too often? I think this varies a lot by couple. I’d say it’s too often if either of you thinks it’s too often. That being said, some people really hate conflict and would rather NEVER fight, and that type of person probably won’t be relationship-compatible with someone who is OK with fighting once a week.
      4) We almost never shout. But that’s after 9 years of learning how to have better fights, so at the beginning it was more frequent.
      5) It probably takes us 3 conversations, spread over maybe 1-2 days or up to a week or so, to fully resolve a fight. The first conversation is the fight; then we do a kind of “let’s dig deeper into this fight” fight; then we do a post-mortem on the fight. At some point, we resolve things by talking about our perceptions / needs / feelings / requests that may not have been noticed or honored during the fight.
      6) I’d say it’s pretty mutual. We usually both have needs that weren’t getting met, things to apologize for, so we usually both are good about following up.

    16. LizB*

      1. Once or twice a month, probably.
      2. Similar themes repeatedly (usually chores).
      3. I think if they were close enough together that we could go from one argument right into another, that would be too much for me. Or if they were always BIG, fundamental arguments, I might start thinking we maybe had too many dealbreakers. Mostly we have little cranky moments and misunderstandings, not Big Issues.
      4. Never. Sometimes to crying levels, but that’s just because my eyes like to cry whenever I feel stressed or guilty.
      5. Maybe a couple of hours at most? For most of our arguments, we go straight from saying cranky things to each other to apologizing and planning how to fix the issue in the same conversation. Sometimes he needs a little more time to cool down before he’s ready for problem solving.
      6. I guess probably me? I am super sensitive to anger and tension (thanks, hypervigilance from a dysfunctional childhood), and as soon as I spot it I immediately want to make it better. We’re both always invested in resolving the argument, though. We hate being mad at each other or hurting the other person’s feelings.

    17. Anon Anon*

      1. How often do you argue with your significant other? 1-2 a month
      2. Do your arguments tend to have the same themes repeatedly or are they different? same themes
      3. In your opinion, how often is too often when it comes to arguments? daily would be too often
      4. How often would you say your arguments get to shouting levels? everyone once in a while
      5. After an average argument, how long does it take the two of you to reconcile? usually by the next day, we’re fine
      6. Is it always the same person who closes the argument down and tries to resolve it? it depends

    18. LilySparrow*

      1. Snappishness/exasperation? Couple of times a month, maybe. Full on communication breakdown with hurt feelings/crying? I could count those on one hand in 14 years, if you discount the months of irrational grief/anger outbursts after my mom died. (Since those weren’t really about him or us.)

      2. They follow themes, somewhat, because we are ourselves and have certain intractable flaws that are part of our personalities. I’d say they usually follow the same course, whatever the topic.

      3. Too often is when either partner feels like it’s too often.

      4. We are loud people. I shout at the air/ceiling/universe on a daily basis. Angry shouting purposefully directed at each other? Very rare. In a real conflict, we are more likely to go for the blunt remark than for raised voices.

      5. For run of the mill irritations, minutes. For a medium-sized wrangle, a few hours or the next day. One time, we both decided it was up to the other to make up, and wound up in Deep Chill for nearly two weeks. It was horrible. I couldn’t do that again.

      6. Not always. I am more reactive, so I tend to kick things off/prod them into the light. And often I have to let him know the door is open to reconciliation. But I don’t have to persuade or force it.

      And that’s not always the case, just somewhat more often.

      Normal is to feel secure, heard, and valued in your relationship, and to have a home environment that makes you feel happy and safe.

      If you don’t feel that way, it doesn’t really matter what average is, any more than forcing your feet into “average” size shoes.

    19. Earthwalker*

      1. We argue every couple years maybe.
      2. Different themes.
      3. Don’t know about too often, but we don’t argue often enough. When the dam breaks it’s about everything down to the cap on the toothpaste, which makes it hard to focus on the important problem that needs to be solved.
      4. Every couple years.
      5. It takes a month or two to reconcile during which there’s a lot of silent treatment.
      6. Not sure here.
      Mrs FS, it sounds like you’re worried about being at the other end of the spectrum, yelled at more often than you think you should be. Others here may help to set expectations on that. Just don’t solve it like we did by avoidance. It keeps the peace in the short term but in the long run it’s not very effective.

    20. AvonLady Barksdale*

      1. It varies. Sometimes a couple of times a week, sometimes we go a week without any kind of disagreement. I get grumpy with him a few times a week, but that also goes in waves. It’s worse now because he’s in the house more (working on his dissertation instead of a full teaching and class schedule).
      2. Again, it varies. For two or three years we argued about money. Always. And it was never the same thing about money, just around money.
      3. Arguing every day is too much for me. Every other day is a bit much, but if that’s a cycle that only lasts a week or two, I consider it fine.
      4. We’ve been together 6.5 years and have only shouted at each other two or three times.
      5. We generally reconcile right away.
      6. Hmm. Good question. Most of the time, my boyfriend tries to get all cutesy with me and end the argument, but sometimes I will try to shut it down.

      One thing I have done since the beginning is fight with him in my head. There have been a few mornings where I woke up vowing to break up with him, then I worked it out in my head and everything was fine once he got up. He’s found me in a weepy mess, apologizing for an argument he didn’t even participate in. It helps that we’re both rather pragmatic people and only one of us (ME) deals with anxiety issues, and I have a pretty rational view of myself when I’m being irrational, if that makes sense.

    21. neverjaunty*

      I’m not sure a survey is going to give you a sense of what’s “normal” in a way that’s useful to you, though? If you’re unhappy and feel that in YOUR relationship, the answers are ‘we argue too much and in ways that are upsetting and it doesn’t feel fair or safe’, then that’s true regardless of whether other people are fighting more or less or with more energy than you and your SO do.

  70. Emily*

    Anyone else have significant others with long-term or serious health conditions? (People who have such conditions, please feel free to weigh in too.)

    My boyfriend has a weird neck/throat thing going on. Sometimes he’s perfectly fine, other times he tires it out too much and doesn’t want to do things such as: talking, eating solid foods, doing physically active things, etc. Recently he’s been in the middle of a pretty long bad period, exacerbated (I think) by Thanksgiving and Christmas travel. He’s planning on seeing a doctor or doctors, but hasn’t set up an appointment yet. (He went to a bunch of doctors a few years ago during another bad patch, but they weren’t very helpful then – I’m hoping that this time will be better.)

    Idk. I know that it’s hard on him, but it’s hard on me too, and sometimes pretty upsetting or scary to think about. (What if they can’t identify the problem, or what if it’s not fixable?) Any commiseration or advice would be welcome.

    1. Nicole*

      I can understand the scary aspect of it since I suffer from health anxiety. Not sure what happened with his previous doctors, but has he had an upper endoscopy to look directly at his throat? That would be a good first step based on your description of his issues.

    2. DanaScully*

      Weighing in as someone with such conditions. I have at least two diagnosed illnesses I will have for life, both of which aren’t curable and have a massive impact on my life.

      Are you familiar with the spoon theory? If your boyfriend has a chronic illness it may help you to understand why he might struggle with talking, being physically active or other things. These are things I struggle with too. The spoon theory has helped my girlfriend understand more about my capabilities and she often says, “Let me do that, you keep your spoons for later”, which I always really appreciate.

      My advice to you as someone in his shoes would be: be patient, don’t push him into things or make him feel guilty for things he can’t do, listen to him and ask him how he’s feeling (even if the answer is “bad”), don’t dismiss him when he talks to you about how he’s feeling, support him with medical appointments (go along with him if that’s possible), ask how you can help if you know he’s struggling, don’t maintain the same expectations you have of him during his good phases when he’s in a bad phase, and don’t be of a mindset that whatever he did yesterday, he can do today.

      I am lucky to have a supportive girlfriend, but there are times she is frustrated that the dishes are mounting up and I’m in bed feeling like I’m going to die, or we’ve got something planned that I just don’t feel up to and so we have to cancel. I’m OK with her feeling frustrated by those things because I’m frustrated by them too.

      I hope your boyfriend is able to see a doctor who can help and it turns out to be nothing serious.

    3. Ramona Flowers*

      I have long-term health issues and I think it’s really important that you acknowledge that this is hard for you too and get support for yourself too, whatever that looks like.

    4. HannahS*

      So, first, find someone to talk to about it that isn’t your boyfriend and get the support you need. What I remember about the period where I was incubating my own chronic illness, I was so stressed and upset and terrified that the last thing I could bear to do was manage other people’s emotions about it. The fact that my parents didn’t manage their anxiety well means that I really don’t want to rely on them in the future. And second, as a general piece of advice for partners of chronically ill people: most of the time, you’re going to have to let your partner be average. What I mean is, I often hear anxious complaints from partners (and parents and friends and siblings) of people who are unwell that boil down to “My loved one isn’t doing everything they could be doing to be healthy!” Maybe they don’t go to the doctor enough, or they eat too many wrong things, or they don’t get the right kinds of exercise or sleep, or they don’t follow every suggestion the doctor made, and the partner is convinced that if only they would, the person would be so much healthier! But most of time, like healthy people, sick people are average in taking care of our bodies, and I don’t think it’s fair to expect very much more than that–being ill usually doesn’t grant you more energy and self-discipline, you know?

      Now, I can understand insisting on compliance when the doc says, “Your diabetes is out of control and you need to change your diet TOMORROW because you’re going to go BLIND if you don’t,” but I have trouble with some of my own doctor’s advice for my chronic condition: “Your condition worsens when you don’t get enough sleep, so you should get enough hours and keep a consistent sleep-wake cycle every day for the rest of your life.” I have trouble with that because…I’m a person! Sometimes, I go to weddings and I don’t want to leave after two hours. Or for the sake of my emotional well-being, I decide to stay up late reading a novel–I feel like sh*t, there’s so much I can’t do, at the very damn least, sometimes I want to stay up late and read a book. Also, I’m a medical student and choosing my dream career means I can’t always take A+ care of my body. And I find it frustrating when the people around me act as if I shouldn’t make those choices for myself and live with the consequences. If I can approximate a normal life one day, and need a day off from life to recover the next day, sometimes I’m ok with that, because I have only one life, I’m going to be sick for the rest of it, and I don’t want to make every single decision with my health at the center unless I absolutely have to. Sometimes I choose my career, or my friends, or my mental health over my physical health, and that’s normal.

    5. Natalie*

      My husband has some chronic health conditions (although his back surgery in November seems to have resolved one of them and I want to throw us a fucking parade) so I’m in your space. The other comments about you getting support are exactly right – it *is* hard to be in our position, too, and your partner is not a good outlet for that.

      Now, this next thing may not be an issue depending on your boyfriend: he needs a robust base of support as well, that is not 100% leaning on his partner. In my experience cishet men have a tendency to put the bulk or entirety of their social needs on their female partner, and that is hard enough when things are going well. It’s completely untenable when things are going poorly and he needs a lot of support. That doesn’t have to be a bunch of friends – new friends can be hard to make, especially when your energy/patience/etc is being strained by illness – but it could be a counselor or support group for him.

        1. Natalie*

          Yeah, it’s been great actually! He ended up getting two vertebrae fused which seemed like a big deal especially at 33, but you gotta do what you gotta do. He wasn’t exactly mobile before so it’s not like the reduced flexibility is much of a problem. :)

          1. fposte*

            That’s what they said about mine, too. It’s probably true, but every now and then when I turn my head to look behind me when driving (my fusion was cervical) I miss those few degrees.

    6. Lissa*

      You’ll have a lot of people tell you, and possibly your own brain too, “This is harder for him than for you!” and sound chastising if you ever expect anything from him or feel frustrated. Please don’t listen to those people – you matter too, and it’s not fair to say “well, boyfriend is sick so therefore you have to do all the everything always.” You’ll burn out and feel resentful, and even the most disability/illness aware person would too. I’d say figure out what you can live with and what you can’t, and what you’re genuinely OK with doing. It won’t be good for either of you if you do a whole bunch of things just to be “good partner” and end up a ball of resentment and exhaustion. That may mean seeking outside help for things like chores etc. or finding a friend that you can vent to and unload on every so often.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Yes. And also, speaking as the partner with the health problems, I don’t want to feel like I’m a burden with nothing to offer my partner – that kind of dynamic isn’t good for either of us. We each have different needs and strengths.

        I think one thing worth mentioning is that having a chronic illness comes with a certain amount of grief – for them and for you – for what you thought your life would be and how it actually is. This stuff is unfair. And yes, sure, it’s contributed to who I am, in good and bad ways, but I get to say that myself. I don’t want to hear it from others.

        Try to find space in your relationship that isn’t all about this, while also understanding that it can never completely not be about this. I can enjoy spending time focusing on something that has nothing to do with my illness but I also can’t ever stop being a person with an illness, if that makes sense.

        Kindness and teamwork. That’s what it’s about.

        1. HannahS*

          It isn’t all about this, but it can never completely not be about this—yeah, that’s so true!

    7. misspiggy*

      You are allowed to tell him what you need from him in terms of managing his condition. If you want to take a break from talking to him about his condition, tell him. If you need him to be more proactive in seeking diagnosis/treatment, make that clear. If you need him to do more things for you so you don’t feel like an unpaid carer, say that.

      I’m another spoonie with a long suffering partner – and I’ve needed kicks in the pants to realise how much stress he’s under.

      1. Bibliovore*

        This is a great thread. It should be required reading. I am the one with chronic illness/disability. I met my husband after I was diagnosed so I disclosed on our third date. He “knew” what he was getting into. Not.
        I second the take care of yourself advice. Communication is the key. This person is an adult and needs to manage their own illness, pain, disability for themselves or seek professional help to do so.
        You can be empathetic, helpful, supportive without giving up your own life.

        Some times its little things. I cannot and should not lift things as I am easily injured with a crazy long recovery period (think a year for sprained ankle) I , after 29 years of marriage finally let the husband accompany me to a specialist visit. The specialist casually remarked to the spouse, ” of course she never carries in the groceries” Whoops- Now when I go grocery shopping, I ask the bagger to bring them to car, and I call the husband from the store to say coming home in ten minutes, groceries in the car. He meets me in the driveway.

    8. Anon anon anon*

      I don’t know if this will be helpful, but I’ll weigh in. I have some life-long physical issues and have also dated people who do. The biggest thing tends to be how understanding the other person is. Don’t question his perception of things. Instead, be supportive. If you feel overwhelmed, say so. Be open about that stuff. In my experience, when people don’t acknowledge how something is affecting them, it can come out in less constructive ways, like getting irritable or pressuring the person to do things they can’t / shouldn’t.

      It can be helpful to reach out to other people who are dealing with similar things. On the other hand, sometimes it’s not, and that’s because people deal with these kinds of things differently. Ideally you want to find people who are going through something similar and have a positive and/or realistic attitude about it. A lot of people go the despair and denial route, and that can be draining.

      I hope he gets to see a good doctor soon. It sounds like he needs better health care. Good luck to both of you!

  71. Nervous Accountant*

    A week ago I was driving down a spacious 6 lane freeway, taking in the beauty of the canyons and palm trees and soaking in the 75 degree weather.

    Today, my car is stuck in a frozen snow fortress bc someone took our shovel so we couldn’tn shovel the car out when it was fresh snow, and my kitchen piipes frozen again due to the cold. Hpefully its’ temporary, since all the other water works and there’s no heating in my kitchen either so now I’m blasting hte oven at 450 and leave the door open to getsome warmth.

    Just repeating this to myself…this too shall pass, this too shall pass. Can’t believe I’m looking forward to 36 degree weather this week.

    1. Tris Prior*

      I literally cried in relief when I saw it’s supposed to hit 40 (ABOVE zero!) later this week. This below-zero crap sucks.

    2. Woodswoman*

      That sounds miserable. I’ve been in a cold place in the past where I used my oven for heat. However, you do *not* want to leave the oven door open when it’s on if your oven is powered with gas. The risk of carbon monoxide poisoning is real, and I’ve read news stories of people suffering from this during cold periods. A safer practice is heating the oven, turning it off, and then opening the door. Perhaps you already know all this and you have different kind of appliance and you’re fine. Just making sure you are okay.

      1. Helen*

        +1. Please be safe. I understand the need to keep warm but carbon monoxide is no joke. When I was a kid a family on my street (parents, their baby and one of the grandparents who lived with them) died from it because they ran the oven with the door open.

  72. Tris Prior*

    Must-see/must-do things in London other than the obvious touristy stuff? We are nerds/artists/weirdoes but not big museum-goers or history buffs.

    Especially looking for places to eat that are good for both a vegetarian and a carnivore. We like most ethnic/Asian foods and that’s mostly what I remember eating the last time I was there (nearly 20 years ago).

    And bonus points for anything Doctor Who-related as Boyfriend is a huge Whovian. I see that we missed the Doctor Who Experience in Wales, and it’s now closed. :(

    1. Wrench Turner*

      I can’t wait to visit the UK someday in the not too distant future. I plan on renting a motorcycle and taking a ride around the Isle of Mann race course (at normal traffic speed).

    2. Uncivil Engineer*

      The John Ritblatt Gallery in the British Library. Some of the most famous written works (Gutenberg bible, Magna Carta, the Beatles’ original lyrics) are on display. It was not crowded when I was there, though that was more than 10 years ago.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      FORBIDDEN PLANET.

      It’s a nerd mega-store at 179 Shaftesbury Avenue. Closest tube is Covent Garden; you can walk up Neal St. to Shaftesbury Avenue and it’s right across the road. It doesn’t look like much from the outside. It has tons of nerd stuff, Doctor Who included. There is another one in New York City. When you’re done in there, come out, turn right, and walk down Shaftesbury Avenue to Chinatown. :)

      Do go to King’s Cross and visit Word on the Water, the floating secondhand bookshop in a barge. They are on Twitter and Facebook if you want to check open times. There’s also a nice tapas place near King’s Cross called Camino. My friends and I went there for dinner last trip and it was delicious.

      Honestly, my favorite thing to do in London is get lost. Seriously. You find all kinds of fun stuff. :)

      1. Tris Prior*

        Ooooh, I have been to the Forbidden Planet in NYC and really loved it. And we LOVE tapas!

        (Since when is black pudding a tapas, though? I guess it is in the UK? Gross! <– is vegetarian)

        I did get horribly lost in London, the last time I was there. Repeatedly (and not intentionally, haha). That was before smartphones though so if you didn't have a paper map on you, you were kinda screwed.

    4. misspiggy*

      For food, Borough Market (and, for convenient and good value places to eat, the Tas mini-chain of Turkish restaurants); Dennis Severs’ House; Tate Modern and the South Bank; the Wellcome Collection. Hope you have a wonderful time!

  73. Ann Furthermore*

    My weekend is off to a very productive start. We got up and out the door to be at Costco right when it opened (otherwise it’s complete pandemonium) and stocked up on all the big stuff.

    Got home, and while I was putting stuff away, I cleaned out/organized the pantry. It was full of all this random stuff that just appears. My 20 year old works at Safeway, and is always bringing home stuff to try, which she does, and the rest of it just sits there. Also cleaned out the fridge and got rid of all the science projects. Then, I organized my cooking utensil drawers and added some dividers. I had them very neat and tidy, but at one point my 20 year old was responsible for loading/unloading the dishwasher, and just crammed stuff wherever it would fit. My 8 year old has taken over this task, and so I’ll be able to train her to put things where I want them.

    Now it’s off to the grocery store to get the stuff I couldn’t find at Costco.

  74. DanaScully*

    I bought a dawn simulator (Lumie Starter 30) to help me with mornings as I find them particularly difficult. We’ve used it twice now and both times I’ve woken up only when the alarm sounds. My girlfriend is waking up naturally with the simulated sunlight before the alarm, which is obviously the intention.

    Does anyone else have one who has experienced the same? I don’t know whether I should persevere to see if I start reacting to the light or send it back for a refund. It feels like a waste of money so far, and I had such high hopes that it would transform my mornings.

    1. Elkay*

      I use the same model every day but I pair it with a radio alarm that goes off at the time the light hits “peak”. The light rarely wakes me (I’ve been using it for ~4 years) but I find when the radio alarm goes off it’s easier to get up because I wake up to an already lit room. Is the clock on your side of the bed?

    2. LazyGirl*

      Keep trying! Eventually your brain will figure out that the increased light means the alarm is coming, but it may take more than a couple days.

    3. HannahS*

      I literally never wake up before the alarm, but I still found it made a big difference to how I feel in the mornings. I felt that waking up and getting out of bed was much easier. Give it a full week and see? Also maybe try being the one sleeping next to it, if you’re not already. I sleep about a foot away from mine, and it’s at eye-level.

  75. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’ve gone from being tired a lot to being really physically tense, to the point it’s causing pain. I finally booked a massage–I had been waiting to do so until I get paid but I’ve gotten worse these last few days.

    I’m doing pretty well on sleep and personal organization. Not so great on exercise because of the aforementioned pain–i don’t want to risk making things worse.

    I got together with a friend who also struggles with energy levels and executive functioning and we made a giant batch of shepherd’s pie to eat over the next week. It was a nice way to turn a usually annoying chore (batch cooking) into a fun social time.

    I’m realizing that I have a lot of trouble eating consistently, I want to work on that. I thought I was doing well but I realized I have some struggles feeling I have to “earn” food with exercise. I want to try pre-packing snacks–i bought some containers that are divided into compartments so I can pack veggies and dip, or cheese and crackers. I also want to try eating at the same time every day, including snacks.

    I got the book “Intuitive Eating”, I’m hoping it helps. When I don’t eat it makes my depression much worse.

    I’m proud of doing a lot to clean up my apartment and seeing friends.

    How are you?

    1. Okay then*

      Just regarding the eating thing- I meal prep on the weekends so that I’m eating the same 2 meals every day during the week (my calorie count is around 1000 calories due to my height/trying to keep my weight down since when I see food I tend to stuff it in my face). My depression/anxiety doesn’t stop me from eating but knowing I have my food all ready each day and all I have to do is heat it up.

      I also live by myself though, so I tend to search for meals that have 4 to 5 servings per recipe and just do those – often sticking to the same ones and rotating them through. Basically, what I’m saying is meal prepping and eating the same thing can definitely help! It’ll also help you be healthier too since you can make sure you’re getting the right nutrients by doing that too. Good luck!

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Could you share some examples of things you can meal prep that far ahead? This is something I really just don’t get how to do.

        1. Okay then*

          I tend to eat mostly vegetarian – I’ll do pasta dishes or pizza. I make my own bread and that I bake throughout the week since the dough is already made (it’s King Arthur Flour’s No Knead Bread). I do meat dishes as well- you can freeze the dishes or keep your fridge pretty cold and it won’t go bad.

          When it’s winter squash season, I make a lot of squash dishes – roasted acorn squash or galettes with butternut squash. I do egg bakes or Chinese or Japanese dishes as well. I’m not super creative unless I’m cooking for other people though.

      2. Ann Furthermore*

        I also struggle with binge/emotional eating. I’m doing the keto diet (very low carb, high healthy fats) and it really helps with the snacking urges, because the foods I am eating are pretty filling and I don’t get the urge (as much) to snack between meals.

        I usually work in the office 2 days a week and have a terrible time staying away from the candy. I was literally counting down the minutes until lunchtime because the urge was so strong. And I wasn’t hungry! I just wanted to snack on something. But I managed to stay away from it.

        The keto diet certainly isn’t for everyone, but it’s working for me so far. Plus by cutting out sugar and carbs I find that I’m much more focused and sleep more soundly.

        1. Okay then*

          I did keto when I lost a lot of weight – it definitely helped me with snacking too! (I’m actually thinking about going back on it.)

          You have more self control than I do around food though. When I want to eat, I just eat my meal, so I tend to eat everything earlier in the day.

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      Hey Junior Dev, I’ve been wondering how you are and when you start your new thing we don’t discuss on weekends. I’m so sorry you’re in pain!

      I really like the sound of your shepherd’s pie. I recently came across this cookbook called The Happy Kitchen by Rachel Kelly which includes recipes for times when you’re feeling fragile and can’t do anything complex – I don’t have a copy yet but it seemed worth mentioning.

      They’ve started a new hotdesking system and the place we don’t mention and I’m completely exempt from it as I’m permanent full-time and have my own desk but even being around people talking about it is triggering my OCD. I have a documented accommodation not to have people hotdesk at my desk or put things on it when I’m not there and the people who sit either side of me are really great at making sure that’s respected when I’m away but I’m getting really stressed just from hearing about it all.

      I’m doing okay otherwise except a few pregnant friends have triggered a bout of depression about not having kids (and the alternatives aren’t feasible either – parenthood is out of the question right now for health reasons). My friend had secondary infertility and eventually gave up and donated all her baby stuff and then got pregnant like a week later and I’m happy for her but just really sad for me.

      Also my husband has been supporting friends who just had a miscarriage and I’ve been really really grumpy and weird with him – until I figured out that I’m actually just angry and jealous that she is grieving this one baby and I am grieving the children I am never ever going to have and I wish I could swap (please, I don’t need anyone to tell me that I don’t really want her grief either).

      On the upside we had a good talk and I’m feeling better and doing good self-care although some stuff (like eating well) has gone to pot a bit.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Hugs. That all sounds really hard and complicated and it’s totally legitimate for you to be sad about your own relationship to having/not having kids even as others are having their own struggles.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          Thanks Junior Dev. I’m sort of surprised how much hard and complicated stuff came out there – I don’t think I was quite in touch with how I was feeling and it’s better when I am. I’m okay though really I think.

    3. DanaScully*

      Hey Junior Dev

      That massage sounds like a great idea, and you’ve inspired me to look into having one myself. The cooking session with your friend sounds great! I’d love to have a friend I could do that with. I hope your new book helps too.

      I mentioned last week that I had asked for help with regards to my arachnophobia and possible OCD tendencies. Well earlier this week I had a screening call which is basically a phone call with the therapy service around your issues and why you think you need help. Luckily I was off work and I went and sat alone in the car to take the call. When I was explaining some of my issues, I felt really silly, but the guy on the other end of the phone seemed understanding and reassured me when I felt lost for words.

      I’ll have to wait eight to ten weeks to see someone in person, but just knowing that help will be here soon is keeping me going. I could probably do with going back onto some sort of an anti-depressant but I suffered massive sexual related issues after taking Sertraline last time that took years to go away. I really don’t want to take that risk again!

      It’s nice to be able to talk here because I know I’m not being judged. Thank you for asking, and for listening.

      2. Kuododi*

        Talk with your MD and see what he/she feels about Wellbutrin SR. It is a very mild antidepressant and doesn’t carry the sexual side effects that the other SSRI can carry. I have had personal good results with Wellbutrin and have had a number of clients who responded well to the medicine as well. Might be worth a consultation if it can give you some relief. Just a suggestion…best wishes.

    4. KatieKate*

      I’ve spent today feeling rather lonely. My roommate just started dating someone and I’m very excited for her, because this is her first time with someone she likes in a while, and yet she is my last “single friend” so I’m trying to balance being happy for her and feeling sorry for myself while not putting any of that back on her.

      That, plus a disappointing and stressful week at [redacted place that gives me money] and the fact that the weather is so gloomy and cold have put me in a gross mood.

      I think I am going to take a very hot shower to kick myself out of this bleh

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Living with a roommate who’s newly dating when you’re single – I remember feeling unbearable loneliness in this situation. I’m sorry. Internet hugs to you if welcome and I hope you can do something kind and self-caring for yourself. The hot shower sounds like a start.

    5. Shrunken Hippo*

      I have problems with eating when I’m depressed too. I don’t eat enough meals and tend to binge on junk food, and I rarely have the energy to cook when it’s really bad. Thankfully my mom helps me make soup prep packages so I can just fill a slow cooker with water, throw the package in, and set the timer. Delicious food without much effort on the day and a lot of it has enough left overs to let me eat for a week.

      I’m doing pretty good this week. I’ve faced my financial situation head on and made some progress. I have also received a call that takes me one step closer to the forbidden topic and has made me feel really good about myself. It’s not a for sure thing by any means, but this is the farthest I’ve gotten in the process and it made me feel like I am worth something not just in my own mind, but also in the opinion of others.

      There are also now more ways for me to get out in settings where I feel comfortable. There are two separate crochet groups meeting at my local library that I can go to. Having a set common interest really helps me overcome my social anxiety and gets me willing to get out of the house. Of course having a friend who picks me up and keeps me accountable is also really useful. My home town is also super small (I think it’s technically a village!) and because there are so many people moving into town as the older generations have been aging out and moving to warmer climates a local business has started having a coffee social a few times a month. It runs for a few hours and is a chance to meet with others in the community and chat about life, things in the town, and memories. It’s been fun to reconnect with people and feel like I’m slowly becoming part of things again. Between having been out of province for the last 7 years and returning with crippling depression and anxiety I had been having problems not feeling like an outsider. That feeling is slowly disappearing.

      On the downside this week my physical pain has been really bad and really limited what I could get done which really frustrated me. Add to that the problem of trying to get comfortable enough to sleep and my depression caught me a bit. There are still dishes piled up that I need to do, but I want to take it one step at a time and make sure that my mind and body are okay.

    6. Anon for this*

      I’ve realised the last week or so that I am suddenly really underconfident at that non weekend place. I’ve always felt comfortable in my role but I’ve temporarily been in a position where I’m almost surplus to requirements each day, and when a pair becomes a three, finding your place can be a bit difficult. Particularly working with lots of different pairs lately. I’m hoping that it will start to improve after I (fingers crossed) go back to pairs in a week’s time, and things kind of get back to normal.
      I had a massive knock just before Christmas that triggered the introspection, I didn’t feel comfortable speaking up and asking a perfectly reasonable question, and I couldn’t initially work out why. But once I figured out why I was feeling so terrible about that situation, and corrected it partly by sending an email to the person I would have asked, asking if he could explain how what he did helped come to the decision he did as I’ve never seen it done before, I felt much better. Just need to keep an eye on making sure that doesn’t happen again.

      More positively, I have taken up climbing recently and I love it. I have a fear of heights though which hinders me a bit. Except this week, I’ve climbed higher routes and harder ones than I have done before, and succeeded at them :) so while I’ve not got over my fear completely, I’m fighting it back!

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Wow – I’m in awe of your climbing as I share your fear of heights. That’s amazing.

        1. Anon for this*

          Thanks Ramona. I’m still a bit surprised with myself, 4 months ago I struggled with the most basic routes at the wall I go to, now I’m attempting stuff I’d never have dreamed of even trying!

          And Happy Birthday for this week as well. :)

    7. Tau*

      I completely crashed Wednesday and Thursday in a way I haven’t since I started working. I’m really frustrated by this because it goes to show that the fact I’m doing so so much better working than I was during university isn’t thanks to any internal change that means I cope better but just because of a change of external circumstance. Full-time work means that I have an imposed external structure which I can build around a bit (e.g., go to the gym and go shopping after work), and it’s not so noticeable if my weekends go awry. But the instant that structure goes away I end up back in this terrible place where I can’t leave the flat and my sleep schedule goes haywire and I basically zombify. Which… I’m so, so glad that I’m functional as an employed person. My life is immeasurably better than it was during uni. But I really need to figure out how to manage to get shit done without relying on a job! As it stands I don’t know how I could ever retire. :(

      Proud: I managed to pick myself up on Friday. This wasn’t a big surprise because the problem with Wednesday and Thursday was that they were sort of Schrodinger’s days off (I’d booked them off as holiday, asked my boss if I could rescind them and got an informal confirmation but nothing formal) while Friday I absolutely had to be back at work. Still, I transitioned back into work really well considering the state I was in on Thursday, and the fact that I used to lose two weeks to this shit.

      (Sympathy on the food, by the way – my food patterns went haywire when I first left home and it took me almost a decade to really recover from that. I spent a lot of time terrified that I wasn’t going to be able to feed myself.)

      1. Junior Dev*

        That sounds frustrating. I have a really hard time when I’m not working as well. I think structure is often crucial for those of us with mental health issues–I’m really glad the job I’m about to start is an in-person job and not remote, because not having to physically leave the house often means I get really depressed, don’t bathe, my sleep cycle is messed up, etc.

        1. Tau*

          Yeah. I could not work remotely, I can barely work from home at all. Which is kind of annoying because both are really common in my field… which I’m guessing from your user name is also your field! I’m glad that I can work in the office, especially because when I was in uni I was doing so badly I was really unsure that I’d be able to handle full-time work at all, but I get really sick of not being able to handle unstructured time + having such a hard time creating my own structure. (Which – I’m better at it than I used to be, but it’s still nowhere near where I’d like to be.)

          At least I have over thirty years to figure out something re: retirement. :/

    8. Red*

      I’m hopeful, but a side-effect ridden mess! My doctor prescribed aripiprazole for my psychotic symptoms and – as with every time I start a new med – I am having a problem! Usually, the side effects go away with a week or two of waiting, so I shall wait. Until then, I’m just going to hope I don’t fall asleep at my desk lol

      To be honest, I’m just so pleased with the fact that I didn’t make a huge mess of everything, reconnect with reality later, and end up in a shameful spiral of bad. That’s happened a couple times now, but not this one :) I got my butt to a psychiatrist, yo!

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I’m so sorry you’re dealing with side effects. I really hope things settle down for you.

    9. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve been taking a 30-day meditation challenge with my group and it’s nice to get back into it. Stuttering a bit at first, but I managed to sit through a dog barking the other day and was super proud of myself. My anxiety slowly rises when I’m not doing it regularly. I’m looking forward to watching it go back down again. One of the facilitators said that it’s very normal for the daily habit to ebb and flow when you’re a newbie. This challenge came just in time for me to resume the habit.

      Also need to get back to the walks. The frigid air will warm up after tomorrow. I’ve been lazy and it’s showing. :P #tightpants

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I need to get back into meditation. I read a line on this great blog I just discovered called Raptitude that said meditating can make you freak out a bit less and I’m like: oh yes, I had forgotten about that.

        Well done on coping with the dog. It’s important to notice successes like that.

    10. Almost Violet Miller*

      I’m so sorry you’re in pain. I hope the massage will help. Good luck with figuring out how to eat more consistently. I usually try to buy some snacks and fruits in advance and also keep a wee bag of treats like dried fruis at the place we don’t discuss on WEs.
      Proud of: went to a party last night, first time in forever. It was nice to be out and I had fun. Today I cooked enough for dinner and even lunch tomorrow. Warm chickpea salad, tasty and healthy.
      Struggling with: last night I stayed up super late after getting home, today I didn’t work on my side project at all. I also still feel really lonely (even though my friends have been incredibly supportive).
      Also, I got confirmation that a special friend from my past has a drinking problem.
      Not a great weekend.
      But tomorrow I am starting my mindfulness training, will write about it soon.

  76. Optimistic Prime*

    I just finished reading This Is How It Always Is! It’s such a great book; I loved it!

    I hung out with some new-old friends yesterday evening: these are people I work with (loosely speaking; we work at the same large company but don’t see each other every day or even every week) and already know but I had never really kicked it with socially. It was really fun and I think this is an expansion of my friend group here, which is really nice. I’ve lived in my city for two years and I have a pretty decent circle of friends but I’m always looking for more to hang with.

  77. Reba*

    UK/Ireland readers or travelers!

    I have a work related trip to London in early May. I want to bring my partner along and then take a week to do some walking.

    Anyone want to advocate for a particular national park or Outstanding Natural Thingy? I’m vaguely interested in Scotland since I’ve never been there but open to any suggestions!

    We are accomplished walkers but not super tough outdoorspeople. We have done Brecon Beacons and South Downs on previous trips.

    1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Scotland is wonderful. Loch Ness is gorgeous, and I really enjoyed doing a boat tour there.

      I’m not sure if these meet your definition of outdoorsy exactly because they’re man-made but outdoors, but the Necropolis tour in Glasgow was wonderful. I also loved Elgin Cathedral and Clava Cairns (not really hikes, just being outdoors and looking at stuff).

    2. Elkay*

      Consider the Yorkshire Dales. Malham is one of my favourite places. Also any of the Yorkshire Three Peaks (Whernside, Pen y Ghent or Ingleborough). The area around Settle is nice too.

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      Scotland is beautiful. I definitely recommend Edinburgh. It is a really beautiful city.

      In the South though, you could try Cornwall. I was born and raised there so I’m a bit biased but it’s really lovely. Truro is the capital and it’s a pretty town but the coastal cities are, in my opinion, the best. Padstow, Newquay (for the beach), Falmouth, St. Ives, and my favourite – St Mawes, which is within spitting distance of Falmouth.

      If you go in the summer, it’s a brilliant atmosphere with great food and (normally) great weather. If you go in the Falmouth area then you can take boats out to travel along the River Fal and, if timed correctly, dolphin watch.

    4. Tau*

      In Scotland, I can recommend the Isle of Arran – it’s an island off the west coast that’s pretty easily accessible by train/ferry from Glasgow and is like Scotland in miniature, landscape-wise. There’s also the West Highland Way – I’d check out the end, near Fort William and Ben Nevis.

      In the southwest, there’s the Southwest Coast Trail which goes along the coast of Cornwall/Devon/Dorset. I cycled in Cornwall a year or so back and was super jealous of the way the trail hugged the coast. I’ve also done some walking in Dorset around the Isle of Purbeck and that was really cool, but I don’t know how Cornwall, Devon, or for that matter the Jurassic Coast proper would compare.

    5. NicoleK*

      If you go to Edinburgh, there’s a hike you can do up to Arthur’s Seat that leads to a great view of the city. It was on our to do list, but we were not able to make time for it.

    7. Cristina in England*

      How are you traveling within the U.K.? You can take a train to Sheffield and then take a train or bus to the Peak District for walks. Castleton is lovely. Bakewell is supposed to be nice (home of the Bakewell Tart) but I haven’t been.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I hear ya.
      I had a tooth pulled on Friday. I got back to my street, turned in the driveway and poof! tears of joy to see my home. Grateful.

  79. Mazzy*

    Social media woes – so I am a late adapter and just didn’t care about social media until last year, and I am annoyed I even care, but what is up with what comments get thousands of upvotes on Reddit? It annoys the heck out of me. Someone will post something factual and concise and have 10 upvotes, and then someone has a sarcastic one word response and it has 1000 upvotes. I’ve also noticed trends in responses, if you write that you hate Trump or Flat Earthers or anti-Atheists, you get 500 upvotes. It has me wondering if people actually have these beliefs, or if they are just conforming to the group mind for upvotes to boost their ego.

    And what is up with all of the mentions of flat Earthers? I never heard of that before Reddit and now every single question is mentioning flat-Earthers and getting hundreds of up-votes. However, I’ve never met one in real life. If a school of thought is so prevalent, how could I never have met one person who believes it?

    Also it looks like people re-post questions as their own when they saw them getting popular, so the same question may appear two weeks in a row. What is even the point of it?

    It just makes the site so less enjoyable when you see so much content being added for some strangers’ egotistical reasons and not to actually add to a conversation. If I ran a site, I’d find a way to rate comment based on quality and not just up-votes.

    The absolute best is when they ask “people who believe in unpopular thing, why do you believe that?” And then each person who responds get tons of down-votes, which only discourages people from writing actual responses, which shuts down any dialogue or learning. And the absolute, absolute worst is when someone gets tons of down-votes for chiming in on such a thread with an un-biased factual statement. I just want to scream that down-voting doesn’t make something less true! Like if we down-voted the fact that the sky is blue, what does that accomplish.

    1. Temperance*

      I think Flat Earthers are a weird niche group, and Internet People find them hilarious. Admittedly, I do to. I tend to stick to certain subs over others (for example Unresolved Mysteries over the current crime subs, which are mostly just weird theories).

      1. Not So NewReader*

        In the 70s I had a prof who was a flat earther. We kind of looked at him the way you would look at any newly discovered species. We asked him if he was for real (this was a class of 19-20 year olds who had never encountered such a person.)

      2. Ann Furthermore*

        I have a very religious friend who believes the earth is 6000 years old. She checked in on Facebook one day at The Creation Museum, which I had never heard of so I googled it to find out what it was. And it’s a museum all about the earth being 6000 years old. I told my husband (an atheist) about it, and he had some pretty snide comments and asked me why I was friends with someone who believed something so ludicrous. I told him that since I’m always saying that I don’t care what anyone believes, as long as they don’t try to push it on me, or judge me for not believing as they do, then that also applies to someone who believes something that I personally find to be completely unrealistic.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Someone I know posted a family visit to that place also. I just didn’t like the post and avoided commenting. It’s one thing to have a Noah’s ark thing as a religious tradition/parable, but to present that 6,000-year-old stuff as fact sets my teeth on edge. This is a young adult who works in specialized healthcare, and it’s possible she and her family just went to see it because they’re religious (and not pushy). They do travel a lot and have friends all over the world. I didn’t want to crap all over it because I like her and they clearly enjoyed themselves.

          And I don’t reddit either; the interface annoys the hell out of me. I’d rather collapse comments than have to expand everything.

        2. Anon anon anon*

          I don’t understand why people care what other people believe. If it doesn’t affect you, why spend your time worrying about it? Don’t most people have bigger concerns?

          I enjoy having friends with different beliefs. I learn from them about how other people see things. It keeps my horizons broad. I do tend to distance myself from people who openly support violence or some kind of prejudice, though. And lately, that’s been a lot of people. Sigh. What a crazy world we live in.

    3. lychee*

      Reddit is best experienced after unsubscribing from the default subs. Find subs of your interest and it can be an interesting place.

    4. Don't Blame Me*

      Reddit can be a real cesspool. IMO the best way to use it is to find the subreddits that aren’t complete cesspools and only go there. But for the most part, yeah, a snarky joke is going to get more love that someone just making a factual statement.

    6. Anon anon anon*

      Agh, social media. I’m off of all but one platform. Let’s face it. People are jerks online. And I think it has a lot to do with how and when its used and the fact that there are no immediate consequences. People want to blow off steam and get an ego boost. The anger and frustration is addictive. I could go on. I really wish I didn’t have to use it. It’s led to a lot of misunderstandings and it’s been really isolating. So I keep downsizing my presence on it. If you have to use it, it can be ok if you just curate everything really carefully and don’t get too personal.

    7. Aria is Not My Name*

      The dynamic on Reddit is skewed by the very large number of teenagers on the site. That’s why a sarcastic comment will get 1000 upvotes whereas well-thought-out, factual responses will get downvoted. Teenaged boys.

  80. CanadianUniversityReader*

    I’m starting a new schedule for school and because of the way it has been arranged I have no big breaks to eat lunch. So, I’m wondering if anyone has any recipes for snacks that you can eat on the go or eat quickly. They also need to be things that don’t need to be refrigerated and aren’t messy. I’ve been really struggling to find some ideas. Thanks for the help!

    1. NicoleK*

      I don’t have any recipes, just snack ideas. But if you combine a few things together, you can get a full meal.
      Peanut Butter Sandwich
      Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich
      Fruit (either whole, prepackaged, or cut up)
      Oatmeal (single serving portions)
      cheese sticks
      veggie wrap

    2. Wrench Turner*

      Whole fruits like persimmons or apples are great. Peanut butter adds some protein but you have to find a way to take small containers with you. I’d get some granola bars and/or a baggie of trail mix to graze on as you find moments. Bagels with cream cheese cut in half or quarters wrapped in foil are pretty portable and give you some carbs and protein.

      1. Beatrice*

        My grocery store carries peanut butter in packs of single serving containers now! I sometimes make a light lunch from one of those packs and a small bag of pretzels or crackers.

    3. Pennalynn Lott*

      Single-serve hummus with celery or carrot sticks (or pretzels). Cheese sticks and salami (or whatever deli meat you like). As long as you’re not leaving them unrefrigerated for 24 hours, they’ll be fine to eat. I lived on cheese, salami and Triscuit “sandwiches” this past semester when I only had 15 minutes between classes instead of a full class period, and I never left the house with less than three individually-wrapped mozzarella cheese sticks in my backpack. Oh, homemade fruit cups (grapes, cantaloupe, honeydew, and pineapple) and hard-boiled eggs were part of my rotation, too.

      1. Mazzy*

        Yup only problem is that if you don’t have recycling there for plastics, then those single serve hummus things are atrocious – they already are more packaging than food.

        My personally favorite tip is I make greek pasta salad (boiled brocoli, red onion, feta, greek dressing, pasta), and put small quantities into little tupperware containers and throw them in a plastic bag I can also throw in utensils or whatever for later washing.

        1. fposte*

          Even if you’re in an area that recycles, plastics recycling apparently isn’t all that environmentally useful, and our consumption rate there (as with so many things) outstrips our ability to make economically feasible use of the detritus.

        2. Junior Dev*

          You can get a larger container of hummus and portion it out each weekend. I just ordered six reusable snack boxes with two compartments each so I could do this (crackers go in the other compartment).

    5. Junior Dev*

      Veggies or crackers and hummus (it should live in the fridge at home but it won’t go bad if it sits out a couple hours)

      Fruit (apples, bananas, oranges)

      Peanut butter sandwich, crackers with peanut butter

      Nuts

      Beef jerky, summer sausage

      String cheese (shouldn’t sit out all day but an hour or two should be ok)

      Also, consider getting a lunch box with insulation and an ice pack. The website Bento and Co. has some nice, cute lunch boxes with built in lunch packs. Then you can keep stuff cold.

    6. Lightly-chewed Jimmy*

      cheese + pretzels/crackers/etc + green/red/orange pepper, all in similar-sized pieces & in a baggie/other container. If it’s going to be many hours then you might want to put the pretzels (or whichever starch you like!) separately, but it all stands up pretty well to midday/early afternoon.

  81. Specialk9*

    I had to put my deeply beloved dog to sleep today, after a decade together. I love that sweet puppy, and it was really hard. But it was definitely the right thing to do, as she was in pain.

    This past week, I’ve appreciated all of you so much. Being able to get lost for a few minutes at a time in AAM was so helpful. Thank you all.

    3. Sandra Dee*

      I foster senior dogs, which means I am a foster for the remainder of their life. My current foster passed away overnight. She had only been with me for a few months, and I knew her health was declining. It doesn’t make it any easier. {{hugs}}

    4. nep*

      So sorry for your loss. Great you helped liberate her from the pain; all the while, it hurts so bad.
      Peace

    6. Foreign Octopus*

      Oh no. I’m so, so sorry that your lovely dog is gone. I can’t imagine that.

      All my love and lots of good wishes are going to you.

    8. neverjaunty*

      I’m so sorry. You made the right decision, but that didn’t make it an easy one, I’m sure.

    14. All Hail Queen Sally*

      So sorry for your loss. I had to do the same to one of my cats in November. Those fuzzy little creatures just worm their ways into our hearts, don’t they?

    17. Bluebell*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so hard to say good bye to a loving pup. You did the right thing, even though it was so difficult.

  82. Wrench Turner*

    What a start to the new year! Despite the absolutely brutal temps, the 2 weeks couch surfing in NY could not have turned out any better: one cousin dropped her album (who played a great live show New Year’s eve), another finally starting his car racing company and I got an art show scheduled for the spring in very hip Brooklyn. I’m exhausted, especially after working outside two days in this dangerous cold (which gave me a cold, dangit) but it all feels worth it.

      1. Wrench Turner*

        Just visiting, as much as I love it we could never, ever afford to live there. We have friends and family in various parts, but also go up for art work related things. Our home is literally 2 blocks from a subway/train/bus station that can put us in Port Authority in just 3 or 4 hours.

  83. Going Through the Motions*

    Any advice for moving to a new city? I’m thinking of moving from Brisbane to Melbourne for more work opportunities and part time study. What do I need to sort out before I move and what do I need to research? I think I’m on top of it, but have never done this before so I’m sure I’m forgetting a few things.

    My idea is to line up a job first. Fulltime would be preferable but I may have to take part time or contract. Then find a broom closet to rent near the uni, fully furnished. Then sign up for the diploma course which is 3 hours of in classroom study per week.

    I would stick my stuff in Brisbane in a store room until the course is finished and I’ve settled into work. Then look for an unfurnished place to rent hopefully solo if the work is fulltime, if not, urgh, flatmates.

    1. Anon anon anon*

      I think you’ve got a solid plan. The main thing is to keep things cheap and ideally have some savings. And some backup options in case something goes wrong with your job or housing situation. But it’s easier than most people think. Good luck with everything!

      1. Going Through the Motions*

        Thank you for the well wishes. Ok glad my plan sounds sound. My backup is moving back in with Mum on the Sunshine Coast to collect myself if it all blows up in my face. I do have a family friend in Melbourne who I might be able to couch surf at for a week if need be, but I really don’t want to impose as I have barely seen her in years and don’t want to be ‘that’ person.

    2. Artemesia*

      We made a move in the US from a big southern city to a big northern city at retirement. We are so happy we did it. You of course should get the job first, but then the next thing is to find a sublet or a rental for the first few months while you figure out where you want to live. We got rid of most of our stuff; sold some furniture; donated most of the kitchen stuff and most of the furniture to refugee resettlement; donated most of our clothes. We put the furniture we wanted to keep and everything else we were keeping except a couple of suitcases of stuff, into storage in the new city. we stayed 6 mos in the sublet before we bought a place and got our stuff out of storage. If you go for a roommate situation or a furnished sublet first, it gives you some time to get to know the new city and make a decision about where you want to live and rent something unfurnished. We were glad we didn’t make that decision before we arrived. We are glad we took the opportunity to get rid of most of our stuff too. At least we saved our kids that burden when the time comes.

      I also made a concerted effort to join meet ups and build a social network as we knew no one outside our daughter’s family. You will be working and probably find making new friends easier but it is something to put on the list. Being part of social groups, local hobby groups itself makes the transition easier.

    3. samgarden*

      Am a bit late to this, but had a thought. Last time I travelled to Melbs I was looking for cheap digs (a week of hotel = too pricey) and ended up finding a house-sitting gig for the week we were there. I did see a bunch of long-term sitting gigs on the site while I was looking, so perhaps that could be a housing option for you while you find somewhere more permanent? The site I used was Happy Housesitters. It’s free to browse, but if you want to actually contact someone you will need to sign up and pay a fee (I think it was like 50 bucks? Not bad for a week in a sweet little townhouse).
      Best of luck! Melbs is so beautiful :)

  84. copy run start*

    Looking for recommendations for an automatic cat feeder! Can’t decide if I should just get a basic timed one, or one of the fancier models (very interested in the Feed and Go).

    My cat has food anxiety and has a strict diet (he was very fat when I adopted him and is now a healthy weight, but seems to feel he’s about to die of starvation). He eats prescription wet food and a bit of dry kibble over 3 meals a day. I want to move him to 4 small meals a day, redirect/soothe some of his anxious behavior to the feeder and have some freedom to take day/overnight trips without boarding. (I live alone so if I don’t come home, he doesn’t eat.)

    1. DietCokeHead*

      My advice would be to totally go for the fancier model. I’ve had two not fancy automatic cat feeders. The first one broke. The one that I have now (I can’t remember the brand or model) is really annoying to program. It is basically a wheel with five bowls and a cover that keeps four of the bowls covered at one time. To program it, you enter how many hours until it rotates to uncover the next bowl, and then the next one, etc. I wish I had something where I could just enter a date and time for the cat to be fed. Entering the number of hours just seems confusing.

      So now I looked up the Feed and Go and I think it looks cool. The only thing that I don’t like is that once the tray rotates, the food is no longer accessible. I worry that my cat won’t realize that he has food and miss the feeding. But maybe your cat is smarter then mine. Even though we have the automatic feeder, we still end up setting out a large bowl of food just in case because of this fear.

      1. copy run start*

        Good point — I am terrible with time so something I can just do “Mondays at 3” with is much better. The cheaper ones do seem really flimsy, and I know he’ll try to get in them.

        I don’t think he’ll have a problem realizing there’s food in the feeder. He’s usually harassing me for his meals 2 – 3 hours in advance of food time and tries to lead me to the bowls like he’s Lassie and Timmy’s fallen inside them….

    2. dr_silverware*

      I bought the “PetSafe Healthy Pet Simply Feed Automatic Pet Feeder, Dispenses Dog Food or Cat Food, Digital Clock” on Amazon and I really like it. You can set the meal size to fairly small. It’s sturdy–the cat can’t really reach up into the feeding area–and has been a lifesaver. My cat was crying early in the morning for food, and it let me sleep.

      I think it’s also been great in getting my cat to love the wet food we give her. She wants the social experience of being fed and eating with somebody. And she feels comfortable about food since the autofeeder is so steady.

      1. copy run start*

        It looks wonderful, but I need something that can dispense wet food as well for that price.

    3. Scarlettnz*

      My cat was terrified of the automated cat feeder. She wouldn’t go anywhere near it until I took the case off it (which kind of defeated the purpose!). Hope your cats are more sensible than she was!!

      1. copy run start*

        Oh he’s a big chicken until there’s food involved. When I have guests I can get him out from under the bed and into their lap with a few treats. He will do anything for food. I’ve even taught him a few tricks that a dog would do with the promise of a treat.

  85. Patagonia*

    Who has does the W Trek/Torres del Pine?! It looks amazing.

    I was supposed to go this month but we never got around to planning it. Now I’m trying to go in March or wait until October/November.

    Also…would you do this hike pregnant? Second trimester at most.

  86. Pennalynn Lott*

    I had a three-week winter break from school, but no money to go anywhere or do anything fun, yet I still spent a few days driving through the Swiss and Italian Alps, thanks to Google Maps’ “street view” function. I enjoyed some awesome vistas, saw cute little farming hamlets, watched live video feeds from various cameras set up on the exteriors of hotels and whatnot (snow!), got lost on back roads, and learned about the local food / language / customs / housing prices.

    It was actually a lot of fun and I kinda feel like I took a real mini-vacation. :-)

    2. Merci Dee*

      How fun! I saw something similar on a TV show, and it actually looked kind of fun! You can go anywhere in the world, and feel like you’ve met the locals. :)

  87. Canadian Natasha*

    So I may have missed the reply boat since it’s quite late in the day but here goes anyway:
    Has anyone visited Nova Scotia (or live(d) there) and do you have any recommendations for places to stay, things to do, etc? I’m contemplating taking a mid-August short vacation trip (1 week) to the other end of the country.
    (Seeing the puffins is obviously on the list already because c’mon puffins)

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      You didn’t miss the boat – this thread will go through Sunday!

      Never been but I’m excited for you because of the puffins. Did you know a baby puffin is called a puffling? Could that be any cuter?!

      2. Canadian Natasha*

        I’m pretty sure nothing could be cuter but we are talking baby animals so mebbe I shoukd hedge my bets…? ;)

    2. Valancy Snaith*

      I lived in New Brunswick for a few years and visited Nova Scotia pretty extensively. Where are you heading? Halifax is an incredibly fun town in the summer and there’s always tons of festivals. The Busker Festival takes place in August and is incredibly fun. It’s a lovely place to wander around the waterfront, visit pubs, eat seafood, see the sights (the Citadel is well worth a visit if you like history, the Pier 21 Museum is fantastic, the Maritime Museum of the Atlantic is very interesting and has plenty of Titanic stuff if you’re interested), and there’s a ton of gorgeous parks in the area. Point Pleasant Park is particularly, well, pleasant!

      Away from the city, Peggy’s Cove is a huge tourist attraction all summer (don’t go on the rocks–seriously, don’t do it), the Bay of Fundy if you’re interested in whale watching or sea kayaking, Kejim is outstanding if you like camping or hiking. Heading up north, Cape Breton is truly outstandingly gorgeous–drive the Cabot Trail, it’s breathtaking, and the people are out-of-this-world friendly to visitors. I’ve never personally been to Sydney or Louisbourg, but I hear that the latter is well worth a visit if you’re a history buff.

      It’s a wonderful place to visit in the summer! It’s almost impossible to have a bad trip to Nova Scotia in August.

      1. Canadian Natasha*

        Thanks Valancy, I am in the extreme preliminary steps (aka just had the idea last night, not joking) of planning this so I have nothing figured out at all. Thanks for the suggestions!

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      We did Nova Scotia and New Brunswick for a vacation a couple of years ago. I really liked Halifax and the weather was gorgeous; we went in the last week of July. I second all of Valancy’s Halifax recs. We drove across the province and stayed in Wolfville for two nights; from there we went to various points to see the Bay of Fundy (I cannot remember the exact spots now, unfortunately!) and to some wineries. We really enjoyed the Nova Scotia wines. For the Bay, you have to go at low tide and then again at high to get the full effect, but it was very cool. We then took the ferry from Digby to St. John and explored New Brunswick a bit. Didn’t find much of note there, but I enjoyed the maritime museum, which is in a mall, and the Jewish Museum, which is in a tiny, still-in-use synagogue. We did NOT go to Peggy’s Cove, and everywhere we went felt pretty empty.

      Great fried scallops in Digby, by the way, if you like that kind of thing! On our drive back from Digby to Halifax we ended up stopping in Berwick, totally randomly, and had an excellent cup of coffee.

    4. TerryD*

      My maternal family is all from that area (mostly Cape Breton but we go all over). My husband and I went there July 2017 and spent 1 week traveling around. What we did and really enjoyed was renting a car and doing all the side highways. We drove 90% of the way around the province in around a week and it was amazing!
      Our method was pretty loose and focused mainly on free activities like beaches and any random things that caught out attention. We actually found the Nova Scotia .ca site to be very helpful when we were planning before getting there.
      On the mainland we really enoyed Lunenburg, Peggys cove (we went very early (around 8:30am) before the buses got there and it was lovely.) Driving along the bay of Fundy exploring parks was lovely. There is a beach near Blomidon that was amazing, you really got the idea of how crazy the tide actually is! Halifax was lovely and beautiful, walking along the boardwalk was a delight.
      On the island (Cape Breton) we stayed near North Sydney (we have family there) and took a couple days to hit up different sections. The Cabot Trail is just beautiful and has really lovely crafters and artists all along it. Louisburg is somewhere I always go to when I am there, I love the history of it and how it is a full recreation using period techniques.
      Overall, we have always loved it. Its so different from where we live (the praries) that it is just a big adventure.
      Sorry for the novel! I hope you end up going and having a great time :)

    5. Anonyme*

      Cape Breton in the fall is stunning. Rolling mountains of flame coloured leaves. There is also the Celtic Colours music festival at the same time of year, also in Cape Breton. If you are there, the Skyline Hike on the Cabot Trail is a must.

      Stan Fest in Canso NS, music festival in early July is phenomenal for folk music. The single best music experience of my life.

      Townhouse Brewpub and Eatery in Antigonish. A pub without a deep-fryer or ketchup.

    6. Meag L*

      I lived in Nova Scotia until I was 22, and am now living in New Brunswick! You will definitely want to spend some time in Halifax at that time of year the waterfront will be really active. Check out Peggy’s cove. I have never seen a puffin…. so no advice on that! You will be able to fill your week in NS, but you might want to also consider going over to PEI via ferry or the Confederation bridge for an overnight trip (I think a day trip would be too short). I LOVE Charlottetown. Lot’s of great local spots to check out for food!

      If you had any specific questions feel free to pop me an email meaghanlow AT gmail DOTcom

      1. Meag L*

        If you are into wine, there is a school bus tour you can take through Wolfville that goes to some of the popular wineries. I think it might be called The Magic Wine Bus… a comment above make me think of it.

  88. Ramona Flowers*

    If you have devices you can name – like a phone, e-reader, tablet or etc – what are yours called?

    My mobile phone is called The Machine (a nod to Person of Interest). My Kindle is called Pantoufle (from Chocolat). And when I had a Kindle Fire I called it Smaug (because dragons breathe fire).

    2. Lcsa99*

      I named my phone The Dominator (it dominates my attention) and named my husband’s Necessary Evil. He never wanted a smart phone :)

    3. Pennalynn Lott*

      Those are all great names.

      I name mine after the great cat loves of my life. Nothing clever, but daily reminders of furry felines who have made my life more fun and interesting, and who are sorely missed.

    4. Canadian Natasha*

      Does it count if you call any electronic device you own that has a touch screen “Stupid P.O.S!” on a regular basis? Lol, I am afraid I don’t have a fond name for any device. I really ought to name my poor archaic flip phone that has lasted so well. What’s a good name for a longsuffering assistant who’s put up with a lot of rough treatment (and seems to be unkillable)? :D

    5. Fake old Converse shoes*

      My cheap e-reader is called Herbert. Poor Herbert, I’ve neglected it last year.

    6. Okay then*

      My computers have all had names. This one is SKYNET. My car is Sir-Cars-A-Lot. My tablet did have a name but I don’t remember it and I never named my phone.

    7. Red Reader*

      Everything that talks to my network has a name. My modern computers are Sheridan, Sinclair, Babcom, and Lochley (she’s the only Windows machine, she doesn’t quite fit in with the rest). My phone is Zathras, always used, yes, never a rest. My iPads are Vir and Bester, my watch is Franklin, and the Apple TVs in my house are Marcus, Lennier and Na’Toth, and the two big external hard drives are Ivanova and Delenn.

      I have a mess of archaic computers as well – Byron, Brother Theo, and Kosh, all named even though none of them are networking these days. (Theo was my first ever computer, an old Apple IIc. He still works exactly as intended.)

      No points for guessing my favorite tv show ;)

    8. Middle School Teacher*

      Not a device but my Instant Pot is called Juliet (I really don’t know why) and my car is named Serafina. She’s a Fiat so an Italian named seemed appropriate :)

      1. Red Reader*

        My crockpots are Hagrid and Maxime (the big 7qt ones), Fred and George (identical 5qt) and Ginny (patterned with autumn leaves) :)

          1. Red Reader*

            My big roaster is Norbert and my three-tray buffet warmer is Fluffy. ;) (They only get used at like, Thanksgiving.)

    10. LCL*

      This is another way to divide the population into two types. People who name their devices, and people who don’t. I don’t. Yet I believe, in its own machine way, some tech is alive.

    11. Ann Furthermore*

      We haven’t named our devices, but my husband came close to renaming our wifi network after hearing our neighbors outside in the mornings.

      They have 2 dogs, let’s call them Spot and Fido. Every morning, the husband is out there with them, urging them to take care of their bodily functions. “Spot! Fido! Go pee! Spot, go poop! Fido, go pee!” And so on. This is all fine, well, and good until it’s wafting into your open bedroom window at 5:30 on a summer Saturday morning. One morning a couple summers ago, he was out there, and my husband got up to answer the call of nature. I was half awake, and said, “[Husband]! Go pee!” The window was open (which I didn’t realize) and our neighbor was out there. We think he heard me, because he quieted down after that. And I felt kind of bad, I didn’t mean for him to hear me teasing him.

      Anyway…Comcast came out to replace our DVR box, and in the process our wifi network got reconfigured and we had to rename it. My husband said he was really close to calling it “SpotFidoGoPee,” which made me laugh and laugh. Not only would people visiting you have a WTF moment when they asked for the wifi network name and password, but people visiting our neighbors would see it when they were looking for wifi networks too. We ended up giving it a much more generic name.

    12. Elizabeth West*

      Hahaha, I name EVERYTHING.
      My old 17″ laptop is called Biggun.
      My 15″ laptop is called Littleun.
      My phone’s name is Arlo. The old phone was Bob. Bob sadly died, fortunately while I still had a job.
      My Kindle Fire is Bernard.
      My iPod Classic (which is sadly not producing sound anymore) is Barnabas iPod (I was working my way through Dark Shadows at the time).
      My flash drive is Albert (I named him after Royal Albert Hall). He is decorated with bling so I always know which way to insert him.
      I have two Rokus–Dinky and Pucky.
      My wi-fi network is Gallifrey. That’s the Doctor’s home planet, for those who aren’t Doctor Who fans.
      And while not an electronic device, my car is Oliver. :)

    13. Laura*

      Mine all kinda share the name/ classification of “Electronic Babysitter”

      It’s a name primarily interchanged between the latest generation of Nintendo handheld (still referred to as a Gameboy at times bc i see that as a genericized thing) and the phone.

  89. Anon anon anon*

    My dog and I made it through the cold snap without heat. It took a small financial toll because I kept having to take breaks from work to come home and run the space heater for him. I can’t leave it on when I’m not home. Still catching up on that and a business thing that resulted in a $100 loss because of changes the other party made at the last minute. And my dog has an ear infection and I can’t take him to the vet. I borrowed money from a friend to cover rent, but I probably won’t be able to pay it back in time.

    I have a master’s degree, but I’m dealing with a family violence situation as well as threats of violence from someone who targeted me because of a disability a long time ago and assaulted me multiple times during attempted thefts. This person may have broken into my house more than one time recently. I have notified the police (“Well, that was a long time ago.”, “Nothing of value was taken. Are you sure you’re not just forgetful?”) and two organizations that deal with family violence. No luck. No one’s being helpful. So I have to keep a low profile, which really limits my job options. I also have some physical limitations, which are another setback when combined with that and my lack of access to healthcare. I can’t afford the “free” insurance.

    It’s a mess and I really wish I could talk to someone nice face to face and just try to sort some things out. But I’m stuck working 70 hours a week and then trying to recover physically. I have no time or money for any kind of social life.

    There is more that I wish I could say, but I have to keep things general for the sake of privacy. I just hope things turn around soon. This is a lot to be dealing with alone.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      My vet tells me to use a mix of half rubbing alcohol and half white vinegar. I pour both into a small jar. Then use a cotton ball/round pad. Dip it into the mix, ring it out so it’s not drippy and wipe the dog’s ear with it. When he has an infection I do it a couple times a day. It seems to work well. Maybe this would help your guy?

      I hope things turn the corner for you very soon. I hope you can find at least one person that you can talk with. But you know, you can keep talking to us. We will listen.

      1. Anon anon anon*

        Thank you! I’ll try that mixture for my dog.

        There are things that are going well for me right now. There’s good to balance out the bad.

        But, to go on another tangent, I’ve always felt kind of lost socially. I’m social and I kind of relate to most people, but there is no social group that I relate to strongly. I can connect with almost anyone, but I’m out of place in most groups, if that makes sense. I’m a creative type, but I don’t fit the mold for that in a lot of ways. I get out and meet a lot of people, but there is rarely enough common ground for a friendship to develop. So I keep drifting and hoping things will change. And I think they will. I just need to get out of this slump.

        1. Kuododi*

          If the rubbing alcohol/vinegar combo isn’t helping…. I had good success with a mix of half water/half hydrogen peroxide on a clean cotton ball. We had a chow husky mix who was prone to ear infection and general funky. The vet we saw at the time advised that dogs who were more furry and “flappy-eared” for lack of a better description tended to have more problem with ear infection because the things just trapped bits and gunk as time went on. Best wishes for a happy puppy!!!!

        2. Not So NewReader*

          That is a gift you know, to be able to connect with almost anyone. I do understand that it feels awkward, but I also know that at some point it falls into place and the awkwardness stops. My suggestion is to just follow it, get to know lots and lots of people. Learn about them and what they are doing. Not an instant solution by any means. It’s a process and you will end up with close friends. I hope I can encourage you to keep following this path. It’s that focus shift thing, focus on meeting people instead of focusing on friendships. You will do this for a while, then you won’t have to anymore if you don’t want to.

          1. Anon anon anon*

            Thank you. Those are very kind words. I will keep getting out and connecting with people.

    2. Reba*

      I’m glad you posted, triple anon. And I’m glad you have your dog with you. That sounds so, so tough. Not even feeling safe in your own home. I hope there’s something you can do with your next paycheck that would help you be secure (new locks? I really don’t know).

      If you need to talk through the stress with someone, there are the Crisis Call Center (775) 784-8090 and Crisis Text Line (send HOME to 741741). There may be a service for your area that can offer immediate support and connect you with resources you may not know about; for example my city has a thing called the Access HelpLine.

      I hope things turn the corner soon, too. Keep us updated if you wish!

      1. Anon anon anon*

        Thank you! I will. Fortunately, my home is pretty safe now. I got cameras, secured the doors and windows better, and the dog moved in. He’s very sweet, but he looks intimidating and he protects the house. He knows that’s his job.

        I’m lucky in that I do have a bit of a social life. I just need to get out more, and get better at finding, well, my kind of people, I guess.

        I’ll keep you all updated.

  90. Anonanonanonanonanon*

    For those of you who do therapy and find it helpful: how did you find your therapist/know they were a good fit for you? How did you start?

    I recently went to a psychiatrist (for an existing diagnosis I’ve had for decades but not specifically been treated for ever) who pretty much said if I wanted medication would be glad to prescribe me some but otherwise I need a therapist. Recommended a few people in town and otherwise said to search psychology today for a particular specialty and see who comes up.

    This felt…unhelpful? But I also don’t know what I really expected (possibly something like the My Diagnosis song on Crazy Ex Girlfriend? I’m joking. Mostly.) Like here I am. I did not want to go there. It took all my energy to make the damn appointment in the first place…and I felt like I was being shuttled off after 20 minutes. But then my logical brain says: this is a person with expertise I don’t have and possibly they have the info they need to say that I need is something else? I don’t know enough to know whether what happened is normal and me not being used to this, or if that was really just an unhelpful doctor, or what. But it was kind of anticlimactic. I didn’t feel like I accomplished anything. I didn’t feel like I got any special expertise when I went to an expert. And I don’t want to have to keep calling, making appointments, meeting with someone for 30 minutes, and again having them tell me I need something else. So I don’t know what to do. But maybe this is normal when starting out.

    I guess what I’m asking is: how does this strike you? Common but bummer? I shouldn’t be surprised?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I went to a psychiatrist once and he seemed focused on writing me a script for something/anything. In the process of talking about life and it’s issues, he really had nothing to offer. (And this is putting it kindly.) So from my narrow experience, I would say yes, this is normal.

    2. Pennalynn Lott*

      Common but bummer. Very common. And, if your experience is like mine, expect to be disappointed in the first few therapists you visit. Which means, of course, that the Herculean effort it took to just go see the psychiatrist is only the beginning of the process. You may need to repeat that with 3-5 “interview” appointments with therapists. And then be prepared to “fire” the therapist who made the initial cut because it turns out they only know how to focus on X when you need with help with Y.

      Congrats on finding the strength and energy to see the psych doc. I know how hard that can be. If you belong to any support groups for your diagnosis, maybe you could ask them for recommendations for a therapist, or at least to get some guidances on questions to ask and what to look for?

    3. Canadian Natasha*

      In my experience, psychiatrists only do diagnosis and prescribing meds and you then go to a psychologist or therapist for counselling/talking therapies- so that much was normal. But a decent psychiatrist should be willing to recommend someone or see if they could locate a good option (since they know your particular needs) for a therapist. They don’t all just throw the ball back to you and welp it’s your problem now.

      Tl;dr- Yeah that person was unhelpful and sucky.

      1. Anonanonanonanonanon*

        I should’ve clarified: I wasn’t going expecting talk therapy. I was going to reconfirm the diagnosis and discuss potential treatments. But what happened felt like the dr didn’t interact with me enough to diagnose anything. It sort of felt like…I said 2-3 sentences that do describe the most conspicuous symptom of Diagnosis and dr was like “yup, it’s that”.
        Oh well. It seems like this is common enough. I don’t know how anyone gets help if it’s normal to need to try and try and try again. This is exhausting.

    4. Reba*

      Yeah, a lot of psychiatrists are this way, though it sounds like yours might have been particularly brusque. Some do talk and scripts, some only write scripts. One I’ve seen does longish intake visits but the followups are actually just 15 minutes!

      The landscape of therapists/providers is confusing. “Therapist” is not a protected term but there are some different licenses (LCSW, LMFT, LMHC, or LPC) and degrees (PhD, PsyD) you can look for. I have found therapists in the past through a combination of referral from a doctor, who is on my insurance panel, and Psychology Today listings which actually can be helpful.

      When you seek out someone for talk therapy, they won’t shunt you out the door like that. When you go on Psychology Today you can look for people with specialties/experience with your diagnosis or with a set of techniques you think sound interesting to you (cognitive-behavioral or CBT, dialectic, etc.). Many folks also have websites that describe their interests, training and approaches.

      You do really have to try them out, which can be tiring if you don’t find a good match quickly. Most will arrange a quick phone chat before booking an appointment and often you can get a sense of fit from that. Unfortunately as in all professions, not all therapists are as good at it, and since it’s an interpersonal thing, not even all of the good ones will necessarily click with you.

      If you’re in dire straits don’t forget about hotlines such as NAMI, or your job’s EAP if they have one, or online chat services like Talkspace, which is not typically covered by insurance but is pretty instant.

      Good luck! It’s hard and it sucks, but try not to let this one visit break your stride too much. I think it will be worth it to find someone.

      1. Reba*

        Also if you’re in the boston area, I just read about a therapist matching startup called Sophia.

        Obviously there is a real need for services like this!

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          This kind of service was how I found my long-term therapist! (More recently I got one through my EAP)

          I met with a therapist who talked to me about what I was looking for from therapy and any particular stipulations (eg gender) and then sent me some suggestions of people he thought would be a good fit. I ended up going to therapist who did the assessment as I had liked him but had I not there were other options too. It worked so well.

      2. ThatGirl*

        The licensed, masters level therapists are very common and what I would recommend, PhD/PsyD tend to cost more.

    5. Red*

      As a long-time mental health patient – yeah, that’s exactly how it goes. Psychiatrists do medication, while therapists/social workers/everyone else does therapy. I found my therapist by asking my psychiatrist if she knew any therapists who were accepting new patients, but she and I had been working together for a while so I felt like she had a good grasp on what my issues were. In the past I have searched Psychology Today and sent out some emails to see if what they were doing matched up well with what I was looking for. You might have to meet up with a few therapists to find one that’s a good match. It’s honestly the same deal as finding a hairstylist, so if you’re familiar with that process, you’ve got this.

  91. nep*

    First line of my (non-existent) book:
    I spent the day looking for my cheekbones.

    Anyway, anyone have favourite first lines of books? Somewhere here in my office I’ve got a few pages I printed up ages ago — a list of great first lines. They’re fun to go through once in a while.
    ‘The sun shone, having no alternative, on the nothing new.’ — Samuel Beckett, Murphy

    1. Lcsa99*

      That line from Murphy certainly has me fascinated!

      It’s not destined to become a classic, but for some reason this line has always stuck with me: I met Gabriel and Friday on the same day, and, strangely enough I lost them together; so that thereafter, I was never able to think of one without the other. (Victoria Holt, Kirkland Revels)

    2. Woodswoman*

      For the tongue-in-cheek variety that are intended to be terrible and funny, check out the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest that’s run by the English Department at San Jose State University. The contest honors the very worst first lines submitted for imaginary books. As a writer myself, I love reading the winning entries, guaranteed to make me laugh, at http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/

      Here’s one of the winners of the 2017 contest, submitted by William Keegan of Pine Bush, New York: “Like the smoke from a cheap corn cob pipe, the tragic events of the past week descended into Lloyd Mounser’s brain and stubbornly clung to his memory the way those little white styrofoam peanuts get stuck to your hands when you’re opening a box of soft-white light bulbs that you got online with free shipping.”

      2. Theodoric of York*

        Love that contest:
        Below the “Narrows”, the river widened again.
        As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he broke wind in the echo chamber, he’d never hear the end of it.

    3. CatCat*

      The opening line of Watership Down: “The primroses were over.”

      It’s a favorite book. The first line is simple, but somehow manages to pack a lot in. It also nicely bookends the last line.

    4. Tuna Casserole*

      “The Treloar Building was, and is, on Olive Street, near Sixth, on the west side. The sidewalk in front of it had been built of black and white rubber blocks. They were taking them up now to give to the government, and a hatless pale man with a face like a building superintendent was watching the work and looking as if it was breaking his heart.” –
      The Lady in the Lake by Raymond Chandler

    5. Elizabeth West*

      The best first line of any book ever:

      “The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.” — Stephen King, The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger (Book 1)

    6. ..Kat..*

      Well, this is not a first line, but it is a line from one of my favorite authors:
      “It was the kind of view described as breathless by those who are easily winded.”
      It was written by Sue Grafton in one of her Kinsey Milhone books – I believe “N is for Noose.” I really enjoyed her books. Not just the plots, but the way she had with words. Kinsey has often felt like a friend to me. Reading those books has been some of the best of my life. I will miss Sue and Kinsey.

    7. Ramona Flowers*

      You might enjoy my favourite board game, Ex Libris. You get a description of a book and everyone writes a made up first line or last line and you have to guess which is the real one. Kind of like Balderdash but with books.

    9. nep*

      ‘If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.’

    10. Theodoric of York*

      Best, all-purpose 2nd line, from “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me”: And then, the murders began.

  92. anonymoose guy*

    Does anyone here have a significant other who has anxiety? How do you deal with it when you feel yourself getting frustrated because they are being irrational even though you know it is because of the anxiety and not their fault at all? I have been feeling a lot of guilt over these feelings with my girlfriend.

    Examples: She went for a manicure. The manicurist filed one nail and put the polish on. My girlfriend did not like the shape or the color of her nail. When the manicurist asked her if she liked the shape and color or wanted something different, the anxiety manifested and she she liked it even though she did not. The manicurist did the other nine nails the same way. My girlfriend told the manicurist she loved them and tipped 50%. She had a panic attack in her car while she was driving away and almost caused an accident and bystanders had to call 911. She was brought to the hospital and was not able to get calm until someone brought nail polish remover and a file to take the polish off and change the shape. She wept and said she wanted to rip her nails off rather than keep them. But at no time did she tell the manicurist anything besides she loved them.

    She was sent home from work on Friday. She works for a big company with hundreds of people. Another division on a different floor that has nothing to do with her is changing to an open office plan. My girlfriend does not deal with them at all. She has her own office (because she deals with confidential and financial information and there are privacy rules around the information she handles). Everyone in her division has a private office. They cannot have an open office. From hearing other people talking about the open office in the elevator or cafeteria she had a panic attack. She could not get work done and kept on crying. The first day her boss gently reminded her that it doesn’t affect her and she will not lose her private office. The second day her yelling and crying got so bad she had to come home.

    I hope I don’t sound like an ass. I do my best to look after her and be sensitive. She is seeing a therapist and is on medication. She has good days and bad days. I find myself getting frustrated sometimes. I try to remind myself it is not her fault and it’s the anxiety. I don’t let her see my frustration but it is there. I have read here for a while and I have read many comments from people who have anxiety. Everyone here seems nice and there is understanding about anxiety here. What can I do to stop feeling this way? I tried going to therapy in the past but both therapists and the couples counselor we saw (not because I was taking it out on her but because her therapist recommended a check in for us due to her anxiety) have all said I need to have empathy and not think about myself. I care for my girlfriend, she is a good person and she does her best. I know things are hard for her and I don’t want to be mad just because her anxiety is flaring up. If anyone has any stories or tips that would be great, thanks all.

    1. Helen*

      but both therapists and the couples counselor we saw (not because I was taking it out on her but because her therapist recommended a check in for us due to her anxiety) have all said I need to have empathy and not think about myself

      I don’t have anxiety or anything, but this jumped out at me. The therapists you saw don’t sound all that competent. It sounds like you do a pretty good job of empathizing with your girlfriend and you are allowed to have your feelings. As long as you are not mistreating her, your feelings are valid. I can’t believe not one but three different ones said this too you. You can have your feelings and it is not wrong. It is okay to get privately frustrated. It’s a valid emotion you are not wrong for having. It is okay to “think about yourself” sometimes.

      I wish both you and your girlfriend the best.

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        They sound like incompetent unhelpful sh*ts and I am so sorry they said that to you. I’m going to post some links in a follow up comment.

      3. Observer*

        Please find yourself a therapist who deals with the family members of people with issues of this sort. Yes, some people lack empathy, but that doesn’t sound like your problem and it shoudn’t have been the beginning and and end of the discussion.

        The model you are looking for, to some extent, is Alananon, GamAnon, etc. These are the groups for family members of people with addiction. Now, obviously it’s not exactly the same, but concept is the same – you can love the addict and empathize with the pain that led them to where they are now without enabling the destructive behavior and without getting sucked in. You’re in much the same situation – you love you GF and empathize with her to the extent possible, but you need to not get sucked in and need tools to support her without enabling the behavior (to the extent that’s avoidable ) and without going nuts yourself.

        Would it be possible to have a session or two with her therapist? Obviously you need her permission, but perhaps the therapist who knows what’s going on with her can give you some pointers and a starting point.

    2. Reba*

      Wow, I agree about empathy but strong disagree on “not think[ing] about yourself.”

      Have you read anything about caretakers’ fatigue? It’s important to watch out for that and take care of yourself. On the romantic partner angle, you want to deal with your frustration before it becomes deeper annoyance and contempt, that’s a relationship killer. I can definitely understand feeling frustrated with the nail thing, as it seems to make no sense and it has such devastating consequences. Dealing with panic attacks can be mortifying as well as frightening, so you need to be able to show your gf that there’s no judgment–and you have to be in a healthy place to be able to do that sustainably!

      My partner has anxiety and depression which is well managed now, but the previous two years or so were awful. I sometimes got genuinely angry at him because he, in his mental drain-circling, would assert things that I supposedly believed or did that were not the case (e.g. negative things about him or even duplicitous things) and, heh, as I said in another comment here earlier, that’s a hard no for me, so I would push back on that. It’s not fair for anyone to be nasty to you, even if there are understandable mental health contexts to it.

      The pushing back on untrue or just exaggerated difficulties was helpful to us both. It gave me a vent so I didn’t feel that I had to just push my feelings down while patting his hand soothingly. And for him, it added another voice against the chorus of negativity inside.

      Also, I talked to my mom about it a lot. My mom is quite compassionate and wonderfully, after all that, she still likes my spouse. :) It’s really good to have someone in your corner.

      Good luck, anonymoose guy.

    3. NicoleK*

      I don’t know you or your girlfriend, so take this with a grain of salt. Honestly, it sounds like there’s more going on with your girlfriend than just anxiety. Her behavior/actions are extreme. As for you, is there a support group for caregivers in your area? If you’re in the US, NAMI may have classes or resources that would give support to you.

      1. Observer*

        Yes, her behavior is extreme. It doesn’t mean it’s not anxiety. Severe anxiety can mess with your brain is some pretty weird ways.

        1. NicoleK*

          I’m not discounting the anxiety. It seems that there is the possibility of anxiety + other mental health diagnosis or other mental health condition that hasn’t been diagnosed. I’m just responding to what OP said.

          1. Observer*

            That’s always possible. But the extremeness of the behavior is not an indication of that, per se.

    4. Georgia*

      Hi! Captain Awkward’s blog would be a great resource for you. I’ve learned from her blog that it’s great to have empathy for those who are struggling, but you get to have your feelings too. And her anxiety shouldn’t control your life. It takes awhile to find a therapist that is a good fit, but they are out there and they can help you set healthy boundaries.

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      There’s this school of thought where….supposedly, if you’re normative, you owe it to the non-normative to allow them to trample all over your life and you’re not allowed to complain or to expect them to at least try to meet you somewhere near the middle. I’d stay away from any resource or therapy method that pushes this viewpoint, since I don’t think that’s a very realistic burden to place on a human being.

      I’m going to state straight away that I have strong reactions to anything that feels like codependency. If you feel like you’re giving her the space to do and say whatever she wants while you’re constantly on edge and monitoring yourself, that’s not good, and that’s not something that the mentally health/illness community at large should demand of you. It sounds like you are constantly compromising for her while she’s not doing the same thing for you. I am absolutely not suggesting that you end things, but I think you need to seriously consider whether you want the rest of your life to look like this. Your girlfriend’s preferred type of treatment is a therapist that isn’t working with her toward stability but is instead blaming you for being rightfully alarmed and frustrated. I’m reminded of statements along the lines of, “I love my husband/wife, but I wouldn’t make the same choice if I had a second chance.” It’s acceptable for you to decide that you can’t be with a mentally ill person who isn’t receiving appropriate treatment.

      I realize this isn’t quite what you’re asking.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed.
        Thank you for opening up this aspect for consideration.

        OP, your GF has a number of things going on all at once. It’s going to take several professionals to have some impact on what is happening here. For one person to help her on their own is quite an undertaking, as she needs inputs from several areas.
        And I agree, please consider if you want the rest of your life to look like this. The plan she is using now is not helpful.

    6. BRR*

      I have anxiety (although not as severe) and am not a trained psychologist but it sounds completely wrong for someone to tell you to not think of yourself. You need to take care of yourself as well. I’m wondering about how effective her treatment is given the scenarios you mentioned.

    7. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      You need to go over to Captain Awkward. Your feelings are 100% as valid as hers, and anyone who tells you otherwise is a full of stuff that should go into the toilet. Those therapists are NOT working.

      As for your girlfriend, she needs to do something else cause whatever she’s doing is not good enough. She could have killed people having a panic attack while driving. Because she couldn’t give feedback on a manicure! Not normal, not healthy, and she needs help.

    8. Bobstinacy*

      I’ve had anxiety since puberty, with some depression thrown in for flavour. And I’ve definitely exhibited behaviour that was inappropriate for the setting because of my brain weasels taking over. While I wouldn’t have reacted that way without having anxiety, it’s still actions I took or things I said that may have hurt others.

      Ultimately I’m responsible for my own behaviour and the effect it has on others. If I snap at my girlfriend because my anxiety is amped up and my brain decides to translate that to anger I absolutely owe her an apology.

      The best thing that partners can do for me is support me so I can help myself. I’ve done enough therapy that I have a lot of the tools and strategies to cope but in the middle of an anxiety attack your rational brain has left the building. So having my girlfriend to ground me a bit helps calm me down enough that I can start to figure myself out.

      Having a panic attack in public is a special kind of hell because you start with anxiety about something else and then after the attack starts and people start noticing? We know how bad it looks, everyone’s staring, which makes you more hysterical… yeah, anxiety spirals are terrible.

      When I help other people with anxiety attacks I always keep my tone conversational and ask them some basic questions “Do you want somewhere quiet to sit down? Can I get you anything?” then if they have everything they need I stand casually nearby until they’re ready to chat. I keep my demeanour relaxed and pretend like everything that’s happening is totally normal and follow their lead from there. Having people fawn over me and try to fix my anxiety attacks always irritates me and drags the whole thing out, so I never do it to other people.

      It sounds from your description like your girlfriend needs to work on her toolkit with a therapist. Her disorder is causing real world problems with her career and relationships and fixing it is her journey to take.

      Being there for her and supporting her is great, but please take care of yourself too, you shouldn’t be expected to have no boundaries or needs.

    9. AcademiaNut*

      I think what you are in desperate need of is a support system for *you*. A lot of your energy is going into being a support system for your girlfriend – being sympathetic, not reacting or having feelings when she does irrational (and potentially damaging) things due to the anxiety, suppressing your own needs and feelings because your girlfriend isn’t able to cope with you having problems too.

      It’s no wonder you’re struggling! Being the partner of someone with a serious, active and not very under control mental illness is a really big deal, and a huge amount of stress.

      So – I’d try counselling again, by yourself, because your previous therapist was a complete idiot. Telling you to suffer in silence and not take care of yourself is really, really bad advice. Also – do you have friends, or hobbies, or activities that you can participate in separately from your partner? Or friends you can count on not so much to hear you vent, but to be demand-free company who you can just have a good time with?

    10. fposte*

      In addition to what people are saying here, there’s a discussion upthread about being a partner to someone with a chronic illness that might be useful.

    11. Clever Name*

      WTF? A therapist told you not to think about yourself? That’s fucking bullshit. You are absolutely allowed to have needs because you are a human being. It doesn’t make you an ass. Living with a person with mental illness doesn’t mean you have to subsume your needs in favor of theirs.

    12. Book Lover*

      This isn’t what you’re asking, but….
      It is ok for you to decide that this isn’t the future you want for yourself. Are you looking forward to marriage, maybe children?
      Do you love her and want to spend your life with her? You say you care for her, she is a good person, she does her best. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her?
      It isn’t a kindness to stay with her because you are afraid she can’t cope without you. It sounds like you have been with her for a while, I think you understand that anxiety is a chronic illness that can have its ups and downs. Is that something that you can live with? Are you suffering?

      I am asking because it can be so hard to leave someone in the midst of a crisis. But I think it important to commit. If you are with her because you love her and choose to be with her, it is easier to have empathy for her than if you feel somehow trapped.

      Again, maybe not answering the question you are asking and please disregard if not relevant. I wish you and her the best – it sounds like she is in a very difficult place right now.

    13. LilySparrow*

      That sounds exhausting. I grew up with a mom who had untreated anxiety, and I deal with mild to moderate anxiety, and I have had a lot of friends with anxiety, but that seems…very, very extreme. Like, to the point I would wonder if there is more going on than only anxiety, and if she’s really getting the right treatment.

      I think in a situation like that, if you are committed to stay, you have to find a way to cope that is sustainable for you. Like, you can’t try to pretend this is normal, healthy it okay behavior. It is not, and you’ll break your brain with cognitive dissonance if you tell yourself otherwise.

      For my dad, that meant a bit of distance. I mean, he was present, but he held back from a lot of my mom’s worries as Not His Problem. That often frustrated her because she felt he was “insensitive,” but as an adult I see that it was a survival mechanism. If he’d taken all her ups and downs on board as something for him to solve, or a reflection on him or their relationship, he would have imploded.

      And no, you can’t constantly be mad at her or try to fix her. Nobody would choose to feel the way she does, it must be horrible. But unfortunately it is probably not going to change anytime soon and there isn’t anything you can do directly to make it change.

      So, how do you reconcile yourself to that level of chaos and need? I don’t know, but it sure doesn’t sound like your counseling visits have addressed your own needs at all, which sucks.

      You are a human being with needs and concerns, too. It’s valid to want to take care of yourself as well.

      On the one hand, she’s not being anxious AT you, as they say. And her issues are not about you. But they do affect you, and I’d encourage you to find an individual therapist who can help you work out specific coping strategies and ways to find support. You can’t be supportive of anyone else if you’re emotionally drained.

    16. paul*

      I’ve done therapy and meds for anxiety; mine was never close to that extreme though.

      I have absolutely 0 truck with the advocates that act like normative people have to take it up the shorts though; you see them (and in my field I’ve interacted with them professionally) and they’re annoying as hell. She has feelings, so do you. Everyone has needs and you aren’t morally required to walk on egg shells and not have your own needs and feelings.

    17. Observer*

      I’m going to agree with the people who say that your GF needs to look at her current therapy and consider changing what she is doing / who she is seeing. Her anxiety is not well controlled. And while a therapist might be able to tell YOU with a straight face that you need to be more empathetic, etc. even these people have to understand that this is going to have implications in other areas where empathy etc. is just not going to be an issue.

      At work, if she keeps pulling these kinds of attacks over stuff that is not even related to her, she’s going to burn out all good will and find herself frozen out or even without a job. (And, for anyone who is thinking about ADA accommodations, it’s kind of hard to accommodate someone who has what are essentially random melt downs. Because her attack about the open plan office wasn’t really about the open plan. How do you accommodate that?)

      And, in general, she’s just not safe. I mean she nearly caused an accident! If she gets hurt (or killed) next time, all the empathy in the world for her anxiety is not going to help. And if she hurts (or kills) someone else, that’s going to go x10.

      There have been a few posts about the effect of people’s not well managed anxiety in the work place. These are real world stories. Read them if you want to see why you really should push her to reconsider / adjust her treatment plan.

      Two that come to mind are the guy who pushed a coworker into the path of an oncoming car and the one who got fired because she harassed a coworker.

    18. AnyPenny*

      My husband deals with anxiety as a symptom of his combat PTSD. First thing, those therapists are greatly doing you and her a disservice by stating your needs are secondary or irrelevant. I am his caregiver; I attend every psychiatrist appt, I have scheduled check-ins, jointly and individually, with his talk therapist, and I participate in the discussions with his nurse case mananger since he has other chronic medical issues. All three providers REGULARLY ask my about my mental health, if I am having any issues dealing with his mental health, and reminding me that should I need to make my own appt to talk about the struggles that come with living/helping someone with chronic medical issues they will be more than willing to arrange said appt.
      It does not sound like her anxiety is well managed. For perspective, it has taken 18 months, after switching doctors, for us to find a therapy/treatment that helps (he has flare-ups but they are much less severe and much less frequent). His therapy consisted of partial-hospitalization to learn grounding techniques that he utilizes to slow/stop his anxiety from growing and finding his triggers to learn coping mechanisms for situations that he cannot avoid. He has tried 7 different meds, at various combinations and is currently taking 3 to manage the anxiety. I say all of this to point out it is OK for there to be a lot of trial and error so long as the errors are servicing a purpose, such as learning and adjusting treatment.
      It is OK to be frustrated and it is OK to point out when something is not working for you. You are her parnter and your perspective is just as valid. I point out to my husband when I notice his anxiety starts to act up so that he can recognize that whatever he is doing right then is not working and he can adjust but that might not be something that works for her. I would encourage her to keep up with her therapy/treatment and remind her that even when you become upset or frustrated with her anxiety you are not upset with her, simply upset with the sitauation her anxiety has caused. I would also recommend she try to find grounding techniques (touch, smell, taste, etc.) to help her try to pull back when she feels the start of her anxiety. Sometimes having something physical to do in the moment can help. Short term, an abortive med might help based on the strength of the episodes you mentioned while she works to gain control.
      Best of luck to you. It is not easy but I remind myself that his “lizard brain” is not him, even when he does something monumentally stupid that warrants an immediate therapy session, because he acknowledges his actions as unreasonable and analyzes what he can do differently next time.

  93. MsChanandlerBong*

    I’m feeling really bummed because my husband and I had to have the local animal welfare department come and pick up a puppy that was (possibly) abandoned in our neighborhood. She showed up on Christmas, so we assumed someone got a puppy as a gift, but she kept showing up at our house with no tags or leash or anything. On Thursday, she tried to get in the car with my husband when he was leaving for work, so I had to go out and hold her so he could leave without running her over. She is absolutely precious–one of the nicest dogs I’ve ever “met.” However, we have five cats who were terrified when I brought the pup inside, and we are also not allowed to have dogs per our lease. I gave her a bath, fed her a can of pumpkin, and let her hang out with me all day Thursday, but I cannot do that every day. She’s skin and bones, and when I gave her the pumpkin, she ate the entire can in about 10 seconds. She was also so thirsty that she tried to drink the soapy water out of the sink when I gave her a bath. We couldn’t find anyone to take her in, so we called the city so that she would at least have a warm place to stay and get some regular meals. However, I can’t help but worry about her and wonder if we sent her off to an early death.

    I wish God (or your deity of choice) would quit sending stray animals to our house. It’s like they have a newsletter that says, “Go to the Bongs’ house! They are big suckers for animals and will take you in even if they end up broke because of it.” We’ve taken in five stray cats, all of whom were in some state of crisis when they showed up. We just can’t have a dog.

    1. MsChanandlerBong*

      I forgot to mention that we did go door to door to ask if the puppy belonged to anyone in the neighborhood.

    2. Be the Change*

      Oh God. I mean, not God, that was a sigh of emotion and why is the world this messed up. Thank you, ChanandlerBongs, for your compassion. You gave her a chance, which she did not have before.

      The last time I visited India, my husband’s home country, there was a dog in a bad way — I won’t tell you the whole story — I cried all night. Then I fed him for the next several days, much to the disgust of all the neighbors, and our house caretaker agreed to feed him after we left (rolling his eyes at the ridiculous white lady). My husband visited that neighborhood last week and the dog is well and bright and has been adopted by one of the people on the next street. I will hope for the same end to your little visitor’s story.

    3. Anon anon anon*

      Aw. I hope she’s been adopted or placed with a rescue. I think her odds are good, being a puppy. I can relate. There are a lot of stray animals in my city. I wish I could help them all.

      I think it’s time to start regulating dog breeding. People breed dogs to make a quick buck or they don’t spay/neuter and then don’t take extra measures to prevent unplanned litters. We could keep the supply of animals consistent with the demand if you had to get a permit to have a litter, for example. And if free spay/neuter services were more widespread. That would also be a way to cut back on certain breeds being overpopulated because people buy them impulsively and then can’t meet the animal’s needs (large, strong breeds that need a lot of exercise, mostly). There could be a limited number of permits per breed based on the demand for them.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Agreed. The one thing that makes me feel hopeful is that the puppy is a Queensland heeler (related to Australian shepherds, I think?). At first, I thought she was a pit bull, and I was really worried that she would be euthanized because our local shelters are just filled to the brim with pitties. But when the animal-welfare guy picked her up, he said no, she’s a Queensland heeler. So I think she has a better chance of finding a home. I keep checking the shelter’s list of adoptable dogs, but I assume that she won’t be posted until they run tests, vaccinate her, etc., so she’s not listed yet.

        1. Anon anon anon*

          Also, rescue groups get to pull dogs from city shelters before they’re listed. She might have gone to a rescue because she’s a puppy.

    4. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      You show kindness to animals in need. That’s why they show up at your house – because they sense that you’re a good human. Kudos to you. Calling animal control (or taking to shelter, etc) is the best thing you can do in this situation. Hopefully the puppy will get a good home with someone who will take care of him for his whole life.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Thank you for reassuring me. I had a bad experience with an animal shelter a few years ago. Someone dumped four kittens in my mother and father’s yard; I took one of the kittens, but because we already had three cats, I couldn’t take all four of them. My father took the other three kittens to the SPCA, and they told him that since the kittens were so young, they’d probably be euthanized (I think they were separated from their mother at five or six weeks, which is way too early). I didn’t know my father was going to take them in until after he’d already done it, so I wasn’t able to stop him. It just made me really upset that they would not even make an effort to put them in foster homes or adopt them out. The kitten I adopted will be six years old this year, and he is an important part of our household.

        1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

          I understand why people don’t like euthanasia, and I don’t really either. But consider this: what’s the alternative? We’ve already failed, have too many animals and not enough homes. So, let them starve to death? Die of illness? Get hit by a car and die on the side of the road? Be locked in a cage for years with little human or animal contact? A peaceful death I think is much better option than any of those.

          Yes, we need to be better about spay/neuter. We can do better about fostering kittens/puppies who are too young. We need to not dump animals. We need to not abuse them. Transport animals from areas with way too many to areas with not enough. But until we get better, at least those animals aren’t suffering. A humane death is a final, peaceful ending. Sometimes it’s the best we can do, and it’s better than nothing.

          1. Uncivil Engineer*

            I live in an area where both the local Humane Society and the County’s animal shelter both take all surrendered pets regardless of age, health, breed, or temperament and still both manage to be no-kill. It’s a lot of work but it is possible.

            1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

              That’s awesome! I think it’s mixed where I am, not up on the details. Unfortunately, not all areas have gotten to that point. Hopefully more and more will. Until then, I’ll take the best path to prevent suffering, and sometimes (too often) it’s euthanasia.

    5. Grumpy*

      See the above thread about charity? If I were Oprah-level wealthy I would quietly slip you a pile of money to keep doing the good work.
      Money would be used for cat toys, employ boxes and bribes to keep the kitties content, obviously.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        If we ever have the money, my husband and I want to start a shelter specifically for senior cats and name it “Samson’s Place” (after our cat, Samson, who showed up at our house when he was about 13 and died just 14 months later). On one hand, I’d probably be a wreck all the time because the senior cats die much sooner; on the other, we’d at least be giving them a good “last hurrah” before they go.

    6. MsChanandlerBong*

      WONDERFUL NEWS! I checked the animal-welfare website. They posted the puppy today, and the listing says that she already has a priority hold, so she will either be going to a rescue or getting adopted. I feel SO MUCH BETTER.

      1. Dear liza dear liza*

        That is awesome! We had to turn in a stray dog a couple of years ago; luckily, a rescue group pulled him. It was an extremely emotional time for us.

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          I’ve been crying every morning and every night about this puppy, so I am relieved that I will be able to sleep tonight without tossing and turning and feeling like a monster. :)

  94. Ending a friendship??*

    Has anyone ever ended a friendship before? We met when we were both 4 at school and had been best friends ever since. We are 24 now. I ended things 3 weeks ago. I’m Anglican and come from an Anglican family. My former best friend is an atheist and comes from an atheist family. It was never a problem until the past few years and it got worse and worse. She would mockingly refer to my ‘sky fairy’ or imply I would kill people if the bible didn’t tell me not too. It got to the point where I could not take her sarcasm and her mocking though. The breaking point for me was when she posted a news link from a social media where a nun was randomly assaulted by someone who yelled how they hated religion. My friend said the nun deserved it. I have cut all contact. It still hurts me every day and I miss her. Has anyone else gone through this and does it get less painful? How do you move on once things have ended? Sorry for all the questions, this is all new to me.

    1. Anon anon anon*

      Wow. That’s horrible. I know you phrased this as being about religious differences, but it sounds more like outright hate to me. Having different views because you have different beliefs is normal, but most people don’t openly mock or threaten people with different beliefs. I think what you did was healthy, and I’m really sorry you had to go through all of that.

      I have ended friendships. It does get easier. Getting out and meeting new people really helps.

    2. nep*

      Wow — her awful behaviour is not about belief or non-belief; sounds like she became mean, plain and simple.
      I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
      Sounds trite, and can’t really hold much consolation at the moment, but time really does help heal.
      Agree with Anon anon anon — you did the wise and healthy thing by moving away from this.
      Peace

    3. Ann Furthermore*

      That is not cool, and I don’t blame you for cutting ties with her.

      My religious views are, basically, that I do believe in God, but I don’t believe in religion (and I have my reasons for that, but they are not relevant to this conversation). My husband is an atheist. We don’t attend church, and religion is not a part of our lives at all.

      A few weeks ago, my 8 year old daughter said something like, “I hate church,” or “Church is stupid,” or something along those lines. I gave her a Mom Look (raising my eyebrows and looking at her over my glasses), and she said, “Daddy’s nodding! He thinks I’m right!” I told her that even if she thinks that, it’s not OK for her to say that to her friends or other people, because when you say things like that, you’re saying that you think what someone else believes is stupid. Someone may even think that you’re saying you think they’re stupid when you say things like that. So instead, what we say is that church is not really for us, so we don’t go, but it’s something that’s very important to other people, and that’s OK. Everyone is allowed to believe whatever they want, and as long as they’re not hurting anyone, or telling you that you’re a bad person if you don’t believe the same thing they do, then that’s just fine.

    4. Ramona Flowers*

      I have ended friendships for a number of reasons. I think when someone mocks your beliefs so unkindly, they are being very hurtful and are not being a friend.

      It does get less painful with time and grieving. It hurts, but it will not always hurt this much. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Wow, this IS so sad. I wonder why she feels the need to articulate her beliefs in such an aggressive, thoughtless, unkind way.
        I find Bill Mahr unbearable because of his smug atheist proclaiming. Mr. watches him and when he starts ranting, I walk muttering, yes I have an imaginary friend I choose to call God, whats it to you?

        So…if you just can’t be with her, she made her choices with her behavior.

    5. Sylvan*

      I’ve had various people act like her (except that I’m agnostic and they’re Christian). In college, my closest friend ghosted me and another friend after she overheard us talking about some class and how it made us think about our own beliefs. It’s painful to lose someone, but it’s hard to keep a relationship with someone who disrespects your beliefs to the point where they’re not actually behaving like a friend.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      This could be overthinking it, but I am wondering where all that anger came from. Somehow she had decided to unleash it on you.
      No, you had to end this one. She was not going to stop dumping her anger out on you. Now she is left to sort out what the real reason for her anger is. And she needs to do that before she ruins more friendships.

      It’s all very sad. Hopefully at some point she will get a handle on that anger.
      Yes, it does get less raw but you will probably get a pang in the heart from time to time for years to come. But the pang will be easier than this is right now.
      Take the time to grieve the loss of the friendship. If you want to cry, then cry. If you don’t want to cry that is okay too. Perhaps just sitting quietly and reflectively would be helpful.
      Then start building up your day and your week. Set small easy to do goals and do these things. It is by seeing our lives move forward that we move through our grief. Probably a good question to work on would be what will you do with your free time that you have because you aren’t hanging out with her any more. Pick strategically. Pick something easy yet enjoyable, meaningful to you.
      Another tool for moving through sadness is to help someone with their problem. This does not have to be hard. Let’s say you notice your elderly neighbor needs their stairs shoveled. You realize it will take you 15 minutes to do it. Go for it, go shovel. Pick little things like this, random acts of kindness can be very restoring/refreshing.

  95. tangerineRose*

    Something good happened today. I’ve got some issues with OCD (medication helps). Today, I spent some time taking a recorded technical course and read the transcript for the course while listening to the course and also watching the course on the screen.

    After that, I noticed it seemed very quiet in my brain, like maybe the part of my brain that normally does the OCD stuff was busy absorbing the information.

    Is this something other people have experienced?

    1. fposte*

      I’ve seen people with OCD talk about similar things, like reading subtitles when watching a movie. The brain is a mysterious thing; I’m glad you found some peace for a bit.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Thanks fposte! I’ve noticed I like to read this blog or facebook with the TV on – I think that might be related.

    2. Junior Dev*

      When I’m having bad anxiety (I have PTSD) I sometimes self-soothe by focusing on a technical topic. Stuff like working on a programming course, or reading about the proper form for weight lifting. The other day I was on Twitter and very anxious and I helped a stranger debug their website problem. It helps my brain stop ruminating.

    3. deesse877*

      This is not exactly OCD, but maybe related because it also involves intrusive repetitions. When I get a song stuck in my head–something that has in the past lasted weeks on end, same song, usually the middle verses but not the beginning or end–I find it helpful to play that same song on earphones on repeat for a couple hours. It, like…uses it up or something. The song feels done, finally, and I stop hearing it in my head when I turn the headphones off. I know that makes no sense, but it works.

      1. tangerineRose*

        That’s cool. I usually try to think of a song I like better and “play” that in my mind.

    4. ..Kat..*

      I can quiet my brain by putting on a simple language tape. For example, while English is my first language, I had taken some Spanish in school. So, if my brain won’t stop churning and let me sleep, I will put on a tape that conjugates verbs in the present tense. For example:
      “Comer – to eat. Como – I eat. Comes – you eat. Comen – they eat. Comemos – we eat.” And then on to the next verb.

    5. Ramona Flowers*

      I have OCD and I am so happy for you! It’s great when you stumble on something that quiets what is so often a repeating loop. Yoga has a similar effect for me.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I think I read this advice here, so this is regifting so to speak.
      I put uBlock Origin on here and NO more problems.
      It even gives you a little counter up in the right hand corner that tells you how many ads it has stopped. Sometimes I look and see the counter says “1k”. Well no wonder my computer couldn’t use this site.
      I was getting that ad where your computer locks up and a horn blows. You are supposed to call a number. Yeah, don’t call it. Any way, I have not gotten this ad once I put the Origin on here. I have been using Origin for months and previously that ad came up several times a week.

      There are two uBlocks, they are not related to each other. The full name of what I got is uBlock Origin.
      Been very happy with it. It’s a free download and you can whitelist. I have to figure that out yet.

      The only draw back I have seen is that my local newspaper won’t let me view their material until I unblock them. I need to send them an email because this cracks me up. With getting hundreds of ads in a short time, I can’t read their site anyway. No, they need to make their site accessible to me. Silly people.

  96. Cabin Fever*

    Hey everyone! I just recently moved to North Dakota and will be experiencing my first winter here. I’m originally from New Jersey so I am not used to this level of cold. I’m concerned about cabin fever big time so I’ve decided to start scrapbooking (something I’ve been promising myself for years at this point) but I’m worried it won’t be enough since I’m used to being able to go out and do things during the more mild winters of NJ. I can’t really participate in the outdoor activities around here (curling, cross-country skiing, etc.) due to old injuries. Does anyone whose dealt with sub-zero winters have any suggesting for other indoor activities that’ll stop me from going crazy?

    I also enjoy reading but I just finished the last of my unread books and haven’t found anything new yet.

    1. NicoleK*

      Puzzles, crossword puzzles, movies, knitting, crocheting, sewing, quilting, soap making, playing board games with friends, and etc

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        If you don’t want to buy a bunch of puzzles, or if you have cats who will steal the puzzle pieces and leave you unable to finish, there is a cool app called Magic Jigsaw puzzles that lets you do puzzles on your tablet, phone, or laptop. It’s great for filling up time, but you don’t have to worry about finding room for a bunch of puzzle boxes or worrying that the pieces will get lost.

    2. HannahS*

      To add to NicoleK’s list, cooking and baking. Shopping’s not a great one, but I do sometimes go and walk around malls just to GO somewhere and look at stuff. I also do indoor, home-based activities with friends. So we might bake together, or craft together, or sit around and play video games together.

    3. paul*

      Indoor bird watching is fun! We used to do that in CO. Had feeders where you could see them from inside the house, they’d get tons of cool birds coming to them in the winter (I miss the Stellar jays, little punk rock looking birds, and grosbeaks those were cool). Maybe take up photographing them.

      I do it here too but I’m in a city now and it really cuts down on the diversity

      Lots and lots of computer games too, but I guess so much of that’s going multiplayer these days and blah :(

      1. paul*

        oh, and from an earlier thread: indoor gardening is awesome. Get yourself some indoor plants that strike your fancy, some grow bulbs, set up a nice little bit of green you can enjoy when it’s too damn cold out to breath.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Boy do I get it. I too am unable to participate in the frigid out doors due to medical issues. Snow shoe- hahahahahaha.
        Due to extremely unbalanced life/work balance, in five years, I have not experienced cabin fever. That said, when I can’t work.
        Read- Get a device if you are running out of books. See if your public library downloads ebooks and audio books. You can get readers advisory from your public librarians.
        Listen and knit or scrapbook- Audio books and podcasts will keep your brain occupied.

        Pick an old show to stream.

        Get an exercise bicycle. (we have an reclining one) so that at least the blood gets moving. I watch old series on netflix for this.

        Pet- My little old lady foster fail Bijon makes me laugh and is good for gloomy day snuggles.

        Long distance phone calls- I make phone dates with my old neighbors, friends and colleagues. We can chat and catch up and I don’t feel so alone. I have a standing one on Saturday mornings at 10:00.am for about 15 minutes with one of my dearest long distance friends.

        Write letters- I write real letters and postcards especially to family members who are in assisted living so they will get real mail. They are pre-addressed, pre-stamped and ready to go when I just want to dash off a quote from today’s readings or let them know that the banana muffins were an epic fail.

      2. Sunshine Brite*

        Probably not. In MN and my area’s just out of a cold snap. You shouldn’t be taking even the shortest walks in -20 temps.

    5. LilySparrow*

      Our library has ebook and digital audiobooks that you check out through an app. It’s great because no driving or late fees. I have started listening to audiobooks while I exercise, knit, or do housework – it’s very relaxing.
      One location near us also checks out board games, which are nice for a weekend afternoon with friends.

  97. Liz*

    I would really like to know how you all function on this site. I love ask a manager but can only read it in a service like feedly that strips out all the adds. It also strips out all your wonderful comments. I don’t mind adds but every minute or so i get pop ups that i have a virus or that i won something feom google. I have to close the page and start over. This happens on my personal computer, my work computer, and my phone. I cannot even finish reading a post some days. How do you read this site!?

    1. Cabin Fever*

      I don’t know what browser you’re using but since before visiting this site I’ve used Google Chrome’s AdBlock extension and I never see ads on this site. Maybe give some sort of adblock a try?

    2. fposte*

      I’ve gotten that a lot on Safari my iPad. Unfortunately, I think it means that malware got injected at some point. It only happens for me on this site and Cracked, so I think it’s something in the ad feed that trips it, but it’s not happening on my desktop or phone, so I think probably something got stuck on my iPad. I’ve done all the history-clearing that’s recommended for those and it didn’t do anything, sadly.

      1. paul*

        Cracked’s been awful about that for years. I barely read it anymore, but without adblock that site was unreadable basically as far back as I can remember.

    3. Lauren R*

      I actually was just about to ask about the virus warning thing. Glad I’m not the only one getting it. It’s only on this site and only started recently. It pops up and says something about having two viruses on my device. And when I try to dismiss it, it takes me to a page trying to convince me to remove them. It’s very concerning to have this pop up on this site, knowing some may fall for it; also this is a reputable site but having that message pop up could drive away readers. Alison, is there anything you can do about this? I try to keep AdBlock disabled here so you’ll get the ad revenue but will probably need to start using it if this keeps happening.

      Also Liz: You can try downloading the extension AdBlock Plus (google it and it should come up) and making sure it’s blocking ads for this site. Again I hate to recommend that since I want to support the site but until the sketchy pop ups are under control it seems like the safer option.

    4. Ask a Manager* Post author

      The site has been hit with a wave of them in the last few weeks. I’ve heard from a bunch of places that the entire industry is being bombarded right now, but I know it’s been particularly bad for some people here. In the past when this has happened, they’ve always been able to get it under control eventually, but it takes a while to track them down and stamp them out. (It’s not malware though, just bad ads.) You have my blessing to install an ad blocker, which will solve 100% of it. I appreciate people’s hesitance to do that, but I care more about you being able to read the site without hassle.

      1. Earthwalker*

        Thanks for the update Alison. On my browser protected by NoScript Lite I find that gradually some ad in AAM chews into the processing resources until scrolling becomes so slow that I have to quit reading and come back later. Like most of your readers, though, I love your site too much to let that be a hindrance.

    5. Ramona Flowers*

      I use an iPhone app called Lionz that strips out the ads but not the comments (though I could use it to turn off comments if I wanted).

      1. Julianne*

        Thanks for this suggestion! I have not had any problems with this site, but there’s another one I frequent that keeps giving me those awful full-screen “You’re a winner!” ads that don’t go away unless I click on them. I’m going to try Lionz on that site.

        1. Tretinoin Newbie*

          I also get the “you’re a winner” ads when reading this site! I don’t click on anything however. I simply shut down the entire site and start over. To say the least, it’s annoying.

          1. Julianne*

            The ones I get usually don’t allow me to close the tab or window, and when I close the Chrome app (on iOS, I use this site on either my iPhone or iPad), they’re still there whenever I relaunch it. I definitely do not want to click on anything, but I haven’t figured out another solution. Any suggestions would be welcome!

            1. Tretinoin Newbie*

              It’s weird that it’s still there after a relaunch. I don’t have any constructive advice for that-sorry. I’m also using an iPhone (X to be exact). Would that matter?

              Maybe Lionz will block them altogether.

              2. Julianne*

                I’m using an iPhone 6. I actually just tried Lionz and saw no difference on a very ad-heavy blog I enjoy. It did block the ad at the bottom of the screen on this site, briefly, before my screen once again got taken over by one of the full screen ads we were just talking about! Frustrating. I can deal with the ads on this site (and on most I frequent), but those full page ones that take over Chrome (can’t interact with anything except the pop up that forces me to click OK) are so annoying and make me nervous.

                2. Julianne*

                  I did; when I launched the app for the first time it prompted me to do so. (Props to them for including that.)

            2. Chris*

              I don’t have an iphone but my android will let you open a new tab- when you do that then it will allow closing the first tab. Otherwise I have the same issue of it not wanting to let me close the tab or relaunching it if I close the whole app. So opening a new tab and then closing the “bad” tab may work for you too.

              1. Julianne*

                On both my iPhone (6) and iPad, the ad prevents me from interacting with my tabs at all, so closing the tab that caused the ad isn’t a solution I’m able to use, unfortunately. At least, not in Chrome.

    6. Enough*

      I had issues on Firefox but they went away when the had their last upgrade. But my anti-virus program does constantly tell me it has blocked stuff on the website. I never have problems on my Kindle but it’s also 4-5 years old.

    8. Chris*

      My computer isn’t an issue as I run an ad blocker but my phone has MAJOR browser hijacking issues with the site.
      Going into the browser settings and disabling javascript manually has been my work around. The comments don’t disappear but the ability to collapse reply threads does.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      Reposting here because I mistakenly posted up thread a ways.

      I think I read this advice here, so this is regifting so to speak.
      I put uBlock Origin on here and NO more problems.
      It even gives you a little counter up in the right hand corner that tells you how many ads it has stopped. Sometimes I look and see the counter says “1k”. Well no wonder my computer couldn’t use this site.
      I was getting that ad where your computer locks up and a horn blows. You are supposed to call a number. Yeah, don’t call it. Any way, I have not gotten this ad once I put the Origin on here. I have been using Origin for months and previously that ad came up several times a week.

      There are two uBlocks, they are not related to each other. The full name of what I got is uBlock Origin.
      Been very happy with it. It’s a free download and you can whitelist. I have to figure that out yet.

      The only draw back I have seen is that my local newspaper won’t let me view their material until I unblock them. I need to send them an email because this cracks me up. With getting hundreds of ads in a short time, I can’t read their site anyway. No, they need to make their site accessible to me. Silly people.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Just to clarify, there are never 1K ads here! There’s a max of 6 or something like that. I think it’s counting scripts, which are continuing to try to load but being blocked by your ad blocker.

      2. Aria is Not My Name*

        If you’re getting hundreds of ads from any site within minutes, you have malware of some kind in your browser, and you should deal with that as well.

        I run AdBlocker Plus on Chrome, and this site shows *3* ads blocked. Not anywhere near *1K*

      3. Peanut*

        Yes, on my phone, I use Firefox and have installed uBlock Origin, and I never see any ads or have any issues reading this site on my phone. (On a desktop computer, even though I’m still using Firefox and uBlock Origin, I do see ads and sometimes they cause issues.)

    10. Nicole*

      I was getting those strange ads on my iPad until I started using the Dolphin web browser if anyone is interested in trying it.

    11. Windchime*

      I get a big, horrible red flashing ad when I access this site on my computer at work. It doesn’t matter if I use Chrome or IE, I still get that ad. So I just don’t access it from work.

  98. Aurora Leigh*

    Anyone on here ever raised fiber rabbits?

    I’m considering Jersey Wooly for the cuteness and the fiber . . . how crazy am I?

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I had a bunny at one point. I loved her so much, she was so much fun.

      She was a long haired rabbit, dwarf. But she was just a pet. I love Jersey Woolies.

      What are you planning on doing with the hair? That would be my starting point to figure out how many rabbits I would need to get a sweater or whatever.
      Where will you keep the bunny (bunnies)? They need protection as they have many, many predators. Dogs can smell baby bunnies from a mile away.
      Because their bodies are small, problems run through their systems quickly. It’s easy to lose a bunny. I had a friend whose healthy bunny had a heart attack because a neighbor’s dog literally scared it to death.

      Their jaws are like vise grips and their back legs are scary strong. My four pound bunny could jump three feet straight up from a standing start. Yeah, roughly the height of a kitchen table, that is some powerful leg muscles right there.
      I know there are mean bunnies out there but mine was a nice one. They can learn commands just like a dog. I think Fuzzer knew about 13 commands and responded appropriately. They can be very interactive. My girl would throw her dish to let me know her dish was empty. While thumping to signal danger is normal for bunnies, mine learned that if she thumped I would come running. So she would thump to get me when she wanted to play.

      She was a lot of work. I never got a second bunny once she passed. I cherish the experience though.
      If you have more questions, please post.

  99. Kuododi*

    Just wanted to say….on Monday DH and I will have been married for 24 years!!! Woohoo!!!! I think I will have to keep him…. he’s awfully cute!!!!

      1. Kuododi*

        We’re looking at snuggling under the big quilt on the couch with the daschunds for a.puppy pile sci-fi marathon followed by a big dinner out. Neither of us are drinkers or big party people this is our idea of pure bliss!!!

    4. New Bee*

      Congratulations! On friends’ birthdays I like to share other important happenings (like, “Your birthday twin is J.Lo!”): Elvis, Stephen Hawking, and David Howie all have birthdays on that date; make of it what you will. :-)

  100. KR*

    Hi AAM. I am sick with a cold and miserable. Husband is taking good care of me and we are getting chores done despite how sniffly and tired I feel.

    Question: How do you all handle technology in your relationships? Husband and I each have our own smartphones but with no secrets – we both know each other’s passwords and it’s not strange to pick up the other person’s phone to Google something, text a mutual friend, or take a picture if yours is charging or in the other room. It works for us.

    Both our laptops are dying and in danger of ceasing to work any day now. We both don’t use our laptops very much because they are so dysfunctional. We are considering getting a desktop PC to share since they cost less, last longer, and are generally more robust (I miss playing Sims 3 dearly). Since husband occasionally needs a computer for work and we may want to bring a computer for trips/deployments, we are considering getting a Chromebook or very cheap laptop for basic word processing and web browsing and Netflix streaming in addition to the desktop.

    Am I crazy and is it crazy to share both devices between the two of us? I’m looking for input or what others have done or think of my idea. We’re not opposed to getting two separate laptops, or one very nice laptop but we would need some sort of mobile device at least for husband’s work (which doesn’t require any sort of special privacy or clearance or whatever).

    1. NicoleK*

      DH and I each have our own phones, laptop/computers, and tv. When we travel, we take his laptop. Sharing a laptop for a short period is okay, but it would not work for us to share a computer/laptop all the time. But hey, everyone couple is different. I know couples who share an email address or Facebook account.

      1. KR*

        Thank you for the input!! We’re really trying to gather as much info as possible before we buy because we want to buy something that will last and meet our specifications exactly (I used to work in IT so I’m picky). Funny enough we do share his Facebook but I think we would go with separate users on the PCs if we share them, with both accounts having open administrator access.

    2. paul*

      I have what *was* a decent desktop that we all use (getting long in the tooth…I want to play the new Doom but my desktop is not up to it). We also share a tablet, and we have a laptop that is more my wife’s than mine but that we can and do both use. I tend to not take a computer for non work travel, she wants to have one with her so…

      I’ve seen couples do everything from no sharing to one shared device for the household. Just find something that works for y’all basically.

      1. KR*

        Thank you! I don’t think the laptop will see a ton of use except when husband has to do work stuff or goes on deployments since we can do almost everything from our phones, but it seems nessecary. It’s good to know you all can share the devices and it works for y’all.

        1. Bibliovore*

          For us for a very long time we had a desktop that was super powerful that we share. I have had my own personal laptop for over 20years. On my third one that is very old and weak and I probably will not replace it. He just got his own personal laptop when he retired two years ago. He loves having it and using it any where in the house. We both have iPads. (I downstreamed my old one to him) I also have a work laptop that I lug back and forth. Both have iPhones.

          To recap- we share the desk top but he mostly uses it. Each have their own laptop . Each have an iPad. Each have an iPhone.

    3. Ramona Flowers*

      I wouldn’t like to share a device as I’m very fussy about settings and things like that.

      1. paul*

        In case others are picky about settings but not in a position to afford multiple devices: try using user profiles. I’m not familiar with Mac software but windows and most Android tablets support these and it means you can log into your profile and they can log into theirs and you have your settings the way you want them. Very handy!

    4. Red Reader*

      Wouldn’t work for me – I aggressively hate people touching my tech. I know the passcode on his phone, and I think he knows mine, but neither of us would use them barring an emergency (and the idea that I would text someone from his phone instead of just using mine is super weird to me).

      But if it works for you, that’s really all that matters, yeah? My only thought is, if you share an email address, let your friends know so that if they prefer to only confide personal business to one of you they can handle that accordingly.

      1. KR*

        Oh we have separate accounts and emails. We just share a Facebook since I can’t stand the thought of getting my own. Funny enough none of my friends or family communicate via email. Thank you for your input.

    5. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Nope, not crazy at all. My husband and I share a laptop (an Asus I bought off of Amazon that’s been great) but neither of us use it that much. I bring my work laptop home everyday, and we both have iPads, so the laptop is used mostly for joint financial stuff, photo editing and occasional word processing by my husband. We use each other’s iPads if it’s more convenient or one is charging. My husband isn’t very tech savvy (sigh) so he’s never going to mess with any settings on the laptop or really do anything more than open and use a program. I did have to ask him to folder all of his documents because he likes to save to the desktop, which I hate except for short-term needs.

    6. Observer*

      Separate phones and computers currently, largely for logistical reasons. But for a long time, we shared a computer. We DID have two separate log ins, though. Not to hide stuff from each other, but because what he needs on his computer is different than what I need, and it just made it a lot easier for us to operate.

      We still keep most of our stuff on a shared network drive and we both have access to everything. We did this for some logistical reasons, but the nicest thing about it currently is that I get to make sure stuff is all backed up (I have two drives that mirror each other and a cloud based backup.)

    7. Natalie*

      We share a laptop but have different accounts – it was my laptop originally so I have the admin rights. Also I’m more tech savvy than he is.

      The only problem we ran into was running out of hard drive space – he put all his music on the laptop twice somehow, and he’s an amateur photographer so it was full of photos. We just recently moved all of the photos to cloud storage and deleted his music because he never listens to it on the laptop anyway.

      1. KR*

        Ah I’m more tech savvy than my husband as well. He isn’t computer illiterate but he doesn’t know how to take care of his PC very well. Thank you for your input ! Hard drive space is also a concern of mine – I think we’re gonna have to use external hard drives as husband doesn’t like cloud storage

    8. Stellaaaaa*

      I think people tend to “take up” whatever tech is available to them. I used to think I didn’t need all the functionality of a smart phone. Then my flip phone died and I got a smart phone. Now I’ve come to depend on the features in my smart phone. So….you might not think you need two separate laptops, but if you got them, you’d probably end up enjoying them. I don’t think you’d regret it, but you don’t have to get two if you don’t want to.

    9. Kuododi*

      DH and I have completely separate tech…. phones, laptops, desktop. He’s been working on a second Master’s degree so many research and papers to write. Additionally in his regular job he routinely deals with medical records and medical information both during the week and on call. His phone is password and print protected. I have no need to read my husband’s phone information nor does he look into mine. As for the question of tech in your household… that’s something y’all are going to have to work out as a family, and within y’all’s particular budget. Good luck….best wishes!!!!

  101. Cat owner*

    I’ve got a weird question for you guys: do you think I should give my cat to my boyfriend if we break up?

    We love each other and have been together for 7 years but we disagree on kids so there is an expiration date on our relationship. I have two cats that I’ve had since I was a teenager (I’m late 20s now). One LOVES my boyfriend. Previously, I was the only person she liked but when my boyfriend came into my (our?) life she just kind of fell in love. She still will cuddle up to me and meow at me for pats but she and him have a pretty good bond.

    He has kind of joked that if we break up he wants her – he’s not really joking though. And it’s definitely a discussion we’d probably need to have. On the one hand I would still have a cat, but on the other… this is my cat that I really love and have been through a lot with (she’s had some medical problems). What does what I regard to be one of the best communities on the interet at advice think?

    1. Cat owner*

      I guess extra context: boyfriend is my favourite person in the world and there is a lot I would do for him (except perhaps not have children). He also has depression and anxiety.

      1. ..Kat..*

        With you knowing he is a good person, and he has depression, I would say give him the cat. You can have the condition that if he ever can’t take care of the cat, he has to offer her back to you first. But, with the depression, I think the cat will be a great help to him. It would be a kindness that would help him recover from the break up and keep on as even a keel as possible.

    2. TL -*

      I know that pet visitation is becoming more of a thing, so perhaps that’s something y’all could look into, especially if you both will stay in the same area?

      Especially if you’re going to break up (hopefully) amicably, I think that you could probably work something out, though it might make it a lot more difficult to get space after the breakup, so it’ll just depend on what you need/think you can live with or work out.

    3. All Hail Queen Sally*

      I think the question should be “would he be the best to take care of her?” My dog looooved my ex but I knew he would not take proper care of her. I agree that visitation might be best.

    4. Lcsa99*

      My question is, how do to two cats get along? If they just tollerate each other, or do they play and cuddle up with each other? If they had bonded, I would be a lot less likely to separate them then I would If they had not.

    5. Temperance*

      No. She’s your pet, not his. It doesn’t matter that he has depression and anxiety. She’s been part of your life for years

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Granted not the same setting, but my friend has picked me to take his dog if anything happens to him. He chose me because he sees the care I give my pets. I think it does boil down to care giving, especially as they age.

    7. Clever Name*

      I think it depends on what’s best for you and what’s best for the cat. (Notice how boyfriend really isn’t part of the equation; that’s what happens in a breakup. You are no longer obligated to take him into account in terms of how you live your separate life) How would YOU feel if you gave your cat to the ex? Would he be able to adequately care for the cat? Yes, having a cat could be therapeutic for a depressed person, but if there’s any question of him being able to clean the cat pan, even when he doesn’t want to, or feed the cat, or take the cat to the vet, then he’s not a good choice to care for your cat.

  102. tigerStripes*

    I wrote and illustrated a few children’s books, and now I’m looking at various publishers’ web sites to try to figure out where to submit them in hopes of getting them published. I know this is a very literate group – can anyone give me advice? I’m trying to decide which place to submit a book first, and I’m thinking about what to write about a book that might get a publisher’s (positive) attention.

    One thing that worries me is that some of the publishers specify that they want the script of the book but no pictures. I think my pictures are much more vivid and interesting than the script.

    Thanks!

    1. Bibliovore*

      Most of your questions and more can be answered by the Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators. You should join and explore their websites. If there is meeting near you go to that.

      There are very good reasons that a publisher wants to see the manuscript without the pictures.

      For the submission, this is called a query. Go to the website Editorial Anonymous. They have great practical advice. There hasn’t been an update in a long time but the information for the most part still holds.

  103. Nina*

    Sucky start to the New Year. I’ve been sick all week with what I thought was a cold, but ended up being the flu. Combined with a sinus infection.

    I went to the doctor today and apparently, a lot of people have the flu because the flu vaccine was only 10% effective this year. So they’ve been seeing a ton of cases. A lot of young people with pneumonia, too. The doctor told me that I would have been much sicker had I not gotten the flu shot, but this still sucks.

    Stay safe and healthy, folks! And if you haven’t gotten the flu shot, please do so if you’re able. Being sick sucks.

      1. Bibliovore*

        oh that was me a week ago. An still woke up this morning with sinus pain. So sorry. Feel better.

  104. Anonymous debt question*

    I hope it is okay if I ask this here. My husband and I can’t and don’t want to talk about this with family and we don’t like to talk money with our friends. So my husband and I live in a HCOL city. We are from a different state. We both moved here for college and met in our first year. It was a weird coincidence because we are from the same state and our families live in the same area. We have both finished school and got married this year on our 10th anniversary. We also both started full-time jobs. We each have $250k in student loans. When we got married we made the choice to buy. Being a HCOL city we couldn’t afford a house and we bought a condo. The condo has a mortgage of 1.5 million. The mortgage and the student loans are the only debt we have but sometimes I panic at the thought of having two million dollars in debt. The place we come from is one of the LCOL in the country. My cousin bought a home two years ago and her total mortgage for one year was the same amount as mine and my husband’s rent for one month. Her house is an old farmhouse on huge plot of land and her living room was bigger than our whole place.

    So don’t get me wrong. I love this city and my life here and so does my husband. We both love our families but there is no way we would be happy back home. We are okay with being the only family members who moved and lived elsewhere in our respective families. Our relationships with them are great and we go home to visit often. But even though we both love it here sometimes I panic at the thought of that much debt and am envious at how none of them have debt except for their LCOL mortgages and they have large houses on lots of land. But then I try to remember we wouldn’t be happy in those small towns/counties (some of them don’t even have traffic lights). I don’t mean any disrespect to small towns but that life is not for us.

    My question is, does anyone else ever get anxious or panicky about their debt. My husband and I are 28 and it will take us at 30 years to pay everything off. We have good jobs, our health, we love this city, we have loving families back home and good friends here. But I still do get anxious about and was just wondering if I’m the only one?

    1. TL -*

      I only have school loans right now (and only $12000) and I get worried if I think about them :(
      Nothing to do about it but remind myself I made this choice for a reason and am building a life I want!

    2. Nacho*

      I live in one of the highest CoL cities in the country and I’m currently buying a condo for about 250k. Why are you getting one for 6 times that if you’re worried about money?

      1. Bibliovore*

        We all make choices. I am an urban city person who never imagined living anywhere except NYC. My experience is that everyone in my social class had huge real estate debt or was spending up to 1/2 their income on housing costs. It makes no sense to compare your financial life with someone living elsewhere.
        I had an hour and 1/2 commute by subway. Others may have chosen higher housing costs to be closer to work.

        The condo has equity so actually you don’t owe a million dollars. The bank is holding the risk there as long as you pay your mortgage. Does that help?

      2. SS Express*

        I live in the suburbs of a very high COL area and I literally can’t imagine buying an apartment (as we call them here) for that price here, let alone in/near the actual CBD. When we bought our place we looked at a small, rundown and weirdly laid out apartment right on the corner of a busy highway, in a scruffy and somewhat unsafe suburb with no access to public transport, that was *above a gun shop*. It was the cheapest place we saw but it STILL cost well over 250k USD, and that was four years ago.

    3. fposte*

      ADQ, you might want to have a look at the financial forum bogleheads dot org. There are a lot of posts about people asking if they can afford a house at this cost in this place, and it might make you feel less alone as well as giving you some more data points about comfort.

      I think the time to really start worrying is if you can’t cover your living expenses, have other debt like car loans or credit card, or aren’t saving for retirement; if the income you depend on is in a particularly volatile industry, that could be a concern too. But a lot of people in HCOL areas are making HCOL level salaries so the ratios aren’t that different for those of us in LCOL areas; plus urban folks often don’t have the expenses associated with a car or long commute.

      Keep in mind also that it’s a condo, not a limb. You can just sell it if you decide you don’t want that level of loan any more.

      1. Book Lover*

        Perhaps you should both make sure you have life and disability insurance also. Maybe you do, but sometimes people don’t think about it when young and healthy. Also, be cautious about having coverage only through work.

    4. NicoleK*

      Other posters have given you good advice. My only suggestion is to talk to your spouse about your debt. You’re worried, but are you two on the same page? Look at your debt and your savings. If paying down the debt is a priority for you both then you can come up with a plan together to tackle the debt.

    5. Helpful*

      It doesn’t do you any good to compare yourself to a LCOL market. However, you may be overextended, depending on your income. If you are (and you sound emotionally overextended, at a minimum), you can downsize, move more out of town, or rent until you get your half mil of student debt taken care of. Sure, on the surface, no one wants to “move down,” but the peace of mind is worth it.

      A lot of this depends on your income (if you’re willing to ballpark it for us, great) and how many years you’re going to be digging out of student debt. How much wiggle room do you have? If it’s not much, I would seriously reprioritize and focus on building a foundation with less financial stress. Feel free to follow up if anything is unclear. Best of luck to you.

      1. fposte*

        “Emotionally overextended” is a good phrase. The Bogleheads talk about the SWAN or “sleep well at night” portfolio; that’s probably a good concept to apply to a mortgage, too.

    6. Temperance*

      Yes. My family, and my husband’s family, live in a place where you can buy an entire duplex on an acre of land for like $130k. I know people who bought homes at 19 because the down payment was like, $4k.

      1. Overeducated*

        Yup, same here. I have no debt, but I live in a place where condos start around $500k and don’t have the income to even think about buying, so I get very envious of my friends and family buying houses young and paying 5 or low 6 figures for tons of space. I guess the catch is that in places that cheap, there aren’t often a lot of great jobs, HCOL places are HCOL in part because there is much more opportunity.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      The tip I heard was that if you make one extra mortgage payment a year that can reduce your loan life by nine years.
      Debt is good at keeping us awake at night. I think finding a way to put money down on the principle is a good way to start building piece of mind. My husband and I used our tax refund to pay for things that benefited both of us, sometimes we paid down the oil bill, sometimes we put money on the house and sometimes we fed the IRAs. It varied each year.
      We also were very careful about extra money- this would be even small inheritances, bonuses from work or any other “surprise” money. We tried to use it in a manner that would be meaningful to our financial situation.

      1. Red Reader*

        Yep, I round up my mortgage payment by about $120/month, designated specifically to the principal, and in just two years of making payments, I’ve already knocked like two years off the final date.

  105. palesa*

    I know lots of people read here even if they don’t comment – so I wanted to post this here. I just had a melanoma removed from the palm of my hand. I was born in Tunisia and immigrated here with my parents and other family when I was one. My sister is first generation. I am black and I have dark skin (my skin is the same tone as Lupita Nyong’o) And I was diagnosed with skin cancer.

    I honestly thought only fair-skinned people got skin cancer. It sounds dumb but I honestly didn’t know. The doctor told me that while fair-skinned people are more susceptible, people with dark skin often get diagnosed with a more dangerous form of skin cancer called acral lentiginous melanoma. I learned that people of all skin tones can get skin cancer. Bob Marley died from it. Dark skinned people like me are not immune and it often shows up on places like the palms or soles of feet.

    I got really lucky. My melanoma was not the dangerous one and was only stage one and had not spread. The doctor removed it all and I don’t need chemo or radiation. I have to be super cautious now. My boyfriend is Irish with red hair and he has history in his family and goes every year for a skin check. I have to go every six months now for the next little bit.

    Just wanted to post a PSA to remind everyone to take care of their skin and be sun safe, whether you are dark, light or in between. Anyone can get skin cancer. If you are fair and have red or light hair you are the most at risk but anyone can get it.

    1. TL -*

      It’s often caught later in dark skinned people as well – it is harder to notice something’s weird if it’s a dark spot on dark skin.
      Get checked, be sun safe (including sunscreen!), and, for those with dark skin, pay particular attention to the pads of your feet and hands and under your nail beds – that’s where you’re more likely to see a discoloration, mole, or growth.
      Palesa, I’m glad it was caught early and you’re okay!

    4. Tretinoin Newbie*

      Thanks for sharing, Palesa. I too have dark skin, and I wear sunscreen year round and I (stylishly: Coolibar) cover up exposed skin. I also make sure to reapply, even in these current frigid temperatures. So many dark, brown skinned beauties think it’s not necessary, because they haven’t been educated about it.

      I even get ‘ridiculed’ somewhat for this with comments like:
      1)Why are you putting that on? You don’t need that!
      2) Sunscreen? …with a (not) knowing smirk.
      3) We don’t have to use that!
      This “we” thing irks me, because there is no “we” in my opinion ( but that’s another conversation!)

      These are individuals who don’t give a hoot about me until they want to make digging remarks.

      I hope your personal story persuades everyone to protect themselves better.

  106. call me Katie*

    Merry Christmas to all AAM readers who follow the Julian calendar and celebrating today! I wish you and your loved ones a blessed day filled with happiness.

  107. Anonny*

    Is there anyone on here who is Wiccan or who knows much about it? I’ve got what is more than just a passing interest in Wicca but I’m struggling to find the right combination of words to google to find more about it. Does anyone have any recommendations on where to look to learn the basics about it please?

    1. RestingWitchFace*

      The Spiral Dance by Starhawk and Drawing Down the Moon by Margot Adler are good places to start. Is there something more specific you are interested in learning about? I am a “casual” practitioner, which I think lends itself to Wicca because its more about choosing what rituals and practicies work for you rather than a more dogmatic “you must do x,y and z”. So I am in no way an expert, but both of those books I return to again and again! Happy Witching!

      1. Anonny*

        Thank you, I’ll have a look for those.
        I have found myself increasingly drawn to more mystical things lately (like tarot and crystals) and Wicca is something that, from what little I know about it, seems to resonate a bit.
        I don’t know if it’s something that would work for me, I’m Christian (although not an actively practising one anymore) and a scientist, so I don’t know how Wicca fits alongside that kind of background. (I know it’s a religion in its own right, but I don’t know whether there’s any compatibility between the two, hence the desire to start researching and finding out more!)
        Thank you for your help :)

        1. Anon anon anon*

          There is compatibility between the two! People have been practicing magic, witch craft, and various other pagan traditions ever since Christianity started. The history is fascinating. And complex. It is a sad history in that historically, people in many places were forced to abandon their older beliefs and convert to Christianity, so they had to sort of hybridize the two or maintain the pagan traditions in secret. But there is a lot there. Too much to try and summarize here.

          But, basically, you’d be looking for either Christian + pagan traditions or Wiccan rituals and paths that are complimentary with Christianity. You could look up “Christian witch craft”. Generally, Wicca refers to the religion whereas witch craft refers to the practice – rituals, spells, etc. So you can practice witch craft without considering yourself Wiccan; you could be primarily Christian instead.

    2. Anon anon anon*

      I first got into it 20 years ago, but there were some great books then. I remember reading Drawing Down the Moon to get an overview of modern pagan traditions. In terms of more specific stuff, it’s all about personal taste and what kind of approach to it you’re interested in. I would Google “pagan store [insert your location]”, go to the nearest one that looks good, look at their books, and ask for recommendations if the people there seem friendly. Or any good bookstore. Then you could use Google to dig deeper on subjects of interest.

      1. Rogue*

        Another good google search term to find local shops is “metaphysical” store/shop + your area. You may find a few duds before you find a decent store, but they’re out there and usually carry lots of books on various occult subjects.

  108. Sylvan*

    My grandma (actually a family friend) had a fall, was hurt pretty badly, and is going to be having surgery. I live very far away from her and can’t visit. Any advice on how I could support her? She won’t talk on the phone or use the internet. I could get a letter or card to her, though.

    1. nep*

      I think a card / note would be just right. That can be far more touching and meaningful than a phone call or email anyway.
      May the surgery go well.

      1. nep*

        (If at all appropriate — I could see some people being comforted by prayer also, or an offering at a religious service.)

    2. Max Kitty*

      I would get a bunch of cards or postcards and send one out every day or few days so that she has a steady stream of mail. (I did this when my nephew broke both legs and was basically housebound for six weeks.) It’s easier than it seems if you just buy the cards at once, address them, and stamp them, and then on the day you fill in with something like “Thinking of you!”, “Hope you’ll have a great day today!” or something you read about that she’d be interested in. Or maybe a nice memory of something involving her that you have.

      1. brrr*

        I would second this – when my hard of hearing favorite great aunt was in the last stages of her life she was in and out of medical rehab facilities, the hospital and hospice. I sent her a variety of cards (with fun things inside) and she loved them – plus they brightened up a drab looking room!

  109. what's my name again?*

    Hi:
    I wanted to get some unbiased opinion/perspective on this and find out if I am being unreasonably sensitive about this. Also if there is anything I can/should say or do about this.
    My husband’s side of the family draws names for Christmas gift giving, using an online site. I happened to draw the wife of my nephew (they’ve been married a year and a half and live several states away). I selected two gifts via the Amazon wish list attached to the name-draw site and had them delivered here so I could wrap them myself, attach a card and send it to them.
    Unbeknownst to me, the couple left before Christmas to celebrate with her family in another state. Based on my information from the USPS,,
    one of the two packages arrived before they left, the other one after. On Skype call to our family’s celebration on Christmas day (his wife was not involved in the call), my nephew implied that the first gift did indeed arrive and accepted my apology that other had not done so before they left). I had also anonymously messaged his wife via the name-draw site that half of my gift had been delayed and apologized for it.
    Other than that, I have received no acknowledgement that the gifts arrived. Am I unreasonable for being a bit miffed about it? While I’d prefer a “thank you,” at this point even an acknowledgment that I sent a gift would be appreciated.
    Is there anything I can say in which I would not come across as a pearl-clutching fusspot?
    I must say the same kind of thing happened with their wedding gift. The nephew is my godson so, per family tradition, I sent them a Bible, which he told my husband he received. (Not a thanks, just an acknowledgement that it arrived.) I also sent another item from their registry, which Amazon said was delivered but that’s all we’ve heard.
    Are gift acknowledgments just not done anymore?
    Am I wrong to be a bit miffed?
    Thanks in advance.

    1. fposte*

      I think 1) recipients have always sucked at gift acknowledgments and 2) givers have always been miffed. Whether you think it’s wrong or right is a personal call.

      You can check with your husband to see whether Nephew is an outlier in the family or whether they’re not a family who does thanks, but at this point there’s not much to say to a nephew you don’t regularly give presents to. If it happens again and all you get is the “Yeah, it got here,” pause and wait and see where he takes that. If it doesn’t get to “Thank you,” humbly say “Oh, it sounds like this wasn’t something you enjoyed. I’m sorry; I hoped to please you.”

      (Another possibility is to leave the giving for husband’s side to him; he may be more forgiving of its foibles.)

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I love this, “it sounds like this wasn’t something you enjoyed”. That is a very clever way of dragging things out into the open.

    2. Enough*

      You are not wrong to be miffed but unfortunately little to no acknowledgement let alone thanks are becoming more common. I believe part of it is not being taught how to respond to gifts and with the easier it is to reach out the easier it is to forget to.

    3. AnotherJill*

      We’ve not received acknowledgment of the last 3 or 4 wedding gifts we’ve sent out. It seems to be an unfortunate trend.

      1. Overeducated*

        We received a “thank you for traveling so far to be with us” note for a wedding where we forgot to give a gift. THAT was masterful.

        (Usually I’m good about gifts, but for two really close friends/family who have everything they could need practically, I got psyched out about picking a properly symbolic gift and just got…nothing. I think the thank you was sincere, not passive aggressive, but I did feel guilty when I got it!)

    4. Blue Eagle*

      I sympathize. I have a similar situation with certain relatives and am also a bit miffed. But I leave it there and don’t clutch pearls or get more than just a teeny bit miffed. I can’t do anything to change their behavior, all I can change is my attitude and my decision about whether or not to gift in the future or to adjust the value/thoughtfulness of any gifts to them in the future.

      1. what's my name again?*

        Thanks for your input, all. I did send a polite email asking whether she received it and offering to put a USPS tracer on a package if she didn’t get either one. (After all, she was out of town when the second one arrived and they live in an area that has had severe weather since Christmas.) I’ve had packages go missing even when the USPS says they were delivered and I just want to make sure she received them both.
        After that, I’ll just drop it and move on. As you say, I can’t control their actions, only my attitude.
        As to future gift exchanges, I guess I’m stuck — this is part of a Christmas name draw and there’s no way to back out of giving to them if I get either one again. Sigh.
        Thanks again.

  110. Charity Recommendations?*

    My default location for clearing out junk I don’t want is to take it to Goodwill. However a friend was telling me of a place similar to Goodwill that sells used items and the majority of the proceeds go to a charity for teens. Has anyone participated in something similar? Is there a place near you that does that? I know Goodwill does good things but I’ve also heard they’re so big and get so many donations that they just throw a lot away so it might be nice to find somewhere new.

    1. fposte*

      I think it’s locality dependent–you might look online for aggregate info about your town by searching “[town] donations” or something similar. I often give clothes to women’s shelters and workforce reentry orgs in town, for instance.

      That being said, every charity receiving donations of things will throw out a lot of stuff, because people donate a lot of garbage. And I mean that literally–people will donate stuff that they can’t bear to throw away, and then Goodwill has to throw it away for them.

      1. paul*

        Can confirm. When I worked at a shelter we had someone drop off a box of donations that included some nice winter coats…and a ton of old pornographic VHS tapes, half used (and ancient) birth control, some good socks, a baggie full of twist ties and other oddities. I just remember it because of the tapes…all the wth. Who even had VCRs in 07?

        2. Temperance*

          My great-grandmother was in a nursing home, and they had TV/VCRs in their rec rooms at that time! I was seen as something of a hero for donating two large boxes of non-pornographic movies on tape. ;)

      2. Arjay*

        When my sister and I were helping my semi-hoarder mom clean out her house, she was SO resistant to throwing anything away. I ended up creating two “donate” stacks: one for things we could actually donate and one for trash I could take away and throw out without her knowing. She felt better thinking someone else could get some use out of it and I felt better that no one else had to deal with it.

    2. Okay then*

      Savers does that – the local ones donate to Big Brother Big Sister, but I think it’s determined by each store where the proceeds go to.

      1. Liane*

        Yes, that is how it works there. The one closest to us just closed, but there is one in the next town, where we often go.
        Savers also does a yard sale alternative for groups that do fundraising. The group arranges a time block for people to bring in donations earmarked for it, and at the end pays the group based on the total weight donated.

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      Does your city have a freecycle? You post stuff online and people can either comment pick it up or you can meet them somewhere. And it also has a section for wanted so if you’re looking for something, you can post there too.

      1. Woodswoman*

        I second the suggestion for Freecycle, which is terrific. I’ve both given things away and received things I was looking for. Freecycle provides things to people who directly need it rather than going through an agency. Where I live, it’s also just a great community overall and I made a new friend through our exchange of stuff.

  111. Dr. KMnO4*

    What do you do when someone you have to deal with has a problem with you but won’t talk to you directly about it?

    The person to whom I am referring is my SIL (my husband’s brother’s wife). She has a pattern of getting upset at someone but then refusing to talk to them about it. The most recent episode happened over Christmas at my in-laws. We were playing cards, the way she and her husband played negatively affected me, so I was temporarily irritated. After the hand I calmly (no yelling, no insults, my tone might have betrayed my irritation but I did not raise my voice at all) mentioned that they could have played the hand differently. I said my piece, we moved on, it didn’t seem like a big deal. Later that day, her husband pulls me aside and tells me that she felt I was yelling at her. The gist of the conversation was that I need to be more sensitive because she has anxiety and depression and when she feels criticized it really upsets her. I was taken aback in the moment so I didn’t handle the situation as well as I could have. Ideally the next time her husband tries to talk to me about something his wife is upset about I will tell him that she needs to bring the issues to me herself.

    This, for the record, was the first I had heard about her anxiety and depression. I don’t doubt that she has these conditions, and I understand how difficult they can make things. I myself have mental health conditions that greatly affect my daily life. However, if I have an issue with someone and I want them to change their behavior I will tell them myself. I don’t send my spouse to deliver a message for me. It seems that she (and her husband) expect me to change my behavior…but I don’t know what they expect. Am I not supposed to say anything even remotely critical? Am I supposed to never sound irritated? If she would have had a conversation with me then maybe we could have ironed out those questions, but her MO is that she doesn’t have difficult or remotely confrontational conversations. Anytime she gets upset by anything she has her husband sort it out. Ideally she, as an adult woman, would be able to come to me, tell me what I did that upset her, and tell me what she would like me to do in the future. Then we’d have a conversation about my feelings around the issue, and what I’m willing to do, and we’d reach a compromise. Instead I feel like I’m being asked to tiptoe around her and modify my behavior with no possibility of her perhaps modifying her thoughts/behavior. Maybe I’m not being sympathetic enough, but I’ll say this. I have bipolar disorder/anxiety/extra depression/ADHD. My conditions are largely managed with medication, but I also do a lot of work monitoring and adjusting my behavior. I could let my conditions dictate how I act and react, but that would be hugely unfair to other people. I feel like she doesn’t want to do that same work, and just expects everyone else to cater to her.

    What I want to know:
    -Am I being unfair in my reaction to her behavior and my expectations of her?
    -How do I deal with the fact that she has a problem with me but won’t talk to me about the problem?

    1. Temperance*

      Quite frankly, she sounds like an exhausting person. She is an adult, and she should be the one telling people if she needs them to treat her like a child.

    2. Dr. KMnO4*

      Thinking more about it, what I really want is communication. If she’s still working on learning how to manage her anxiety then I am happy to cut her some slack while she figures things out. I don’t expect her to have everything figured out right this second, but I would like her to talk to me about what’s going on.

      1. Ruffingit*

        Call her and tell her that. Doesn’t sound like she’s going to open the channels of communication so you can do so. She may not react as you would like, but at least you’ve said it. Having her husband manage all difficult conversations is ridiculous and not in her or anyone’s best interests

    3. Beatrice*

      -I don’t think you’re being unfair at all.
      -I’d likely deal with it by either avoiding her or talking to her about it directly, but that’s me, and I don’t necessarily hold that those are the “right” ways of dealing with it, just my way.

      I do ask my husband to handle some conversations with his side of the family for us. They’re not typically things that just I personally have a problem with, they’re things that any reasonable person would have a problem with, and my intent is for him to handle them as “XYZ is not okay ever in any context, what is wrong with you?”, although I know sometimes he either delivers it as or it’s interpreted as “Beatrice has a problem with XYZ and you need to stop it around her.” I’ve decided that isn’t something I can control and I just shrug it off.

      Some of those conversations have been things like, “Please do not drop by the house unexpectedly without calling ahead, or enter our home without knocking”, “When we invite you to our house at a certain time, please do not show up two hours early”, and “Getting together as an extended family three separate times in a four-day holiday weekend is a little much; we are going to make plans of our own as a nuclear family for some of that time. If you are going to ask questions about what we’re doing, we need those questions not to be phrased like an interrogation and we need the answers not to be interpreted as an invitation to come along.”

      I have mild social anxiety, and I know he has cited that as a reason why they need to do some of the above things, and that annoys me, because it makes it sound like he’s asking them to make a special accommodation for me instead of asking them to realize that they are lunatics, but I’ve decided that’s a hill I don’t want to die on. What’s important to me is that I am not responsible, as an outsider, for trying to change his family’s lunacy, and that the behavior that needs to be addressed changes. (I am okay with handling conversations myself if things don’t change, if he’s already broached the topic, but the way I’d do it would probably be a lot more direct and blunt than he’d like.)

      Also – my family are also a bunch of lunatics and I absolutely handle conversations with them that relate to their own particular flavors of lunacy. (I have had to have a “You need to lighten up about games – games are supposed to be fun and the way you nitpick about gameplay strategy is not fun for most people” conversation with my dad…he picks strategies that require his partner to read his mind, and gets mad/blames his partner when they have no idea how they’re supposed to support. He and his brothers play cards that way, and they can because they have eleventy million hours of play time together over decades. He can’t expect a son-in-law who sees him once a year and barely knows the game to follow his lead the same way, and when it falls apart, he needs to blame himself/his strategy, not his partner.)

    4. Elizabeth H.*

      I’ll be honest, I think you could solve this also by not playing games with family. It’s so dumb but my experience is that competitive games among family bring out everyone’s absolute worst qualities.

  112. Chocolate Teapot*

    I finally got round to seeing the new Paddington film today and I think it was much better than the first one.

    My only grip were the seats in the cinema. It has recently changed management and all the seats have been replaced (which is nice, some of them were looking really tatty before) and whereas in the past, it was free seating, now there is an assigned seat number on the entrance ticket. I arrived. found my seat, got comfy, then a family turned up and the mother asked me and the woman sitting one seat beyond me to move up. In honour of Paddington, I gave her a hard stare!

    1. Arjay*

      My favorite part of assigned seating is the assigned part. I used to hate getting to the theater 30 minutes early to get a seat I liked, and then be asked to move over, because it made me feel either like a jerk or a doormat. Now I can buy assigned seats online days in advance and have no qualms about staying in my assigned seat.

    1. nep*

      Best: Today — cold snap finally easing…18 degrees and climbing.
      Best: Good health, and ability to work out. And finding some great new music for a group ex class I teach.
      Music saves my life.

    2. HannahS*

      Best: Good winter break! I spent quality time renewing and reinforcing friendships. It was great.
      Worst: Winter break is over…and I did none of the work I promised myself I would. None. Ah, well. Late night, tonight.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      BEST: It’s starting to warm up a little!
      And we had a great discussion at meditation group yesterday, and the usual gang plus a bunch of people showed up for coffee afterward and it was super fun. Plus, one person gave me a book she thought I might like. :D

      And on NYE, I played cards with friends and then we watched a hilarious movie–The Hitman’s Bodyguard, with Ryan Reynolds and Samuel Jackson. OMG it was so funny! I’d never seen it.

      Then the friend who hosted came over on NYD and we watched the first two Lord of the Rings films (extended edition) together. She had to go home after The Two Towers, as she had to work the next day, so I finished the trilogy by myself. Nerd point for me–first time watching the extended edition LOTR in one day. ;D

      WORST: Still no you-know-what. :P

      2. SeekingBetter*

        I wanna watch the first two Lord of the Rings (extended edition) sometime! I didn’t even know it existed until now.

    4. paul*

      Weather is both for me right now! It warmed up to 40, which is awesome but it’s raining. 40 isn’t bad, rain isn’t bad but I don’t like going outside for stuff when it’s both.

      But it’s warmer than it has been and 2017 was incredibly dry so we need the water!

    5. Liane*

      Best: Weather warming up, to 40s.
      Also we didn’t get any terrible news from friends this week.
      (Backstory: Just a couple days before Christmas, a member of Husband’s game group lost his longtime SO to cancer & last weekend one of my closest friends, a member of my game group, lost his uncle to suicide. After a family we’re close to, kids teens to 20s, spent their first Christmas without Mom. And Member 2 in my game group lost his Mom early December 2016 & is having a hard time with the anniversary. All we can do for these hurting people is pray & stay in touch.)

      Worst: Car problems, which the shop will look into tomorrow. Our only “working” vehicle is Husband’s 20 year old truck, which also has problems, so can’t be driven very far. We were saving to get truck fixed as a backup vehicle, but that is probably getting pushed back now.

    6. Overeducated*

      Best: actual winter weather, and a really successful work event yesterday.

      Worst: sick AGAIN, STILL, and my entire family is going stir crazy at each other.

    7. KR*

      Best, husband cleaned and organized the garage so I can finally find what I need when I need it. We also went to Disneyland Tuesday and it was Wonderful.
      Worst: I have a bad cold and it’s been getting progressively worse all week.

    8. Ramona Flowers*

      Best: it’s my birthday tomorrow and I have the day off (just doing low-key drinks with friends). Today at my request we went for a drive in the country and Sunday lunch in a pub with a roaring fire and it was perfect and just what I wanted.

      Worst: my friend’s brother is dying.

      Also (as mundane and trivial as this sounds after the first part) my cat has cuddled with my husband, brought me a half-dead bird, cuddled with my husband, shoved me off my pillow, and is now back to cuddling with my husband. So, um, thanks?

      1. Mimmy*

        Happy early birthday…have a wonderful day tomorrow!

        Sorry to hear about your friend’s brother :(

    9. Ruffingit*

      BEST: Had a week to get some things done and relax a bit before starting new thing I do for a living tomorrow.

      WORST: Still getting over the flu I had from the holidays. WAY BETTER, but still feeling a few little dregs from it.

    10. SeekingBetter*

      Best: Exercise classes with friends were really fun this week!

      Worst: Cramps from my “aunt flo.”

    11. Trixie*

      Best: Full day off yesterday which hasn’t happened on a Saturday in months. Relaxed all day prior to a hair appt. Finished major projects this weekend and ready to file taxes. Lovely dinner followed by laundry with Sunday night Netflixing. Best of all: Looking forward to delivery of new (used) car on this week.
      Worst: Nothing, feeling grateful for really only minor issues.

  114. Earthwalker*

    Did you read the day brightening column by Nicholas Kristof in the New York Times about how the war on poverty and illiteracy worldwide is going rather well? Link follows.

    2. Be the Change*

      Thanks for posting that. I hadn’t seen it and it’s an important antidote to the OMG I feel on a daily basis.

  115. Fake old Converse shoes*

    Holidays season is officially over here. Time to prepare my finals and to store the Christmas decorations in its box. Booo.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Ugh, I have to take all the decorations down now that we’ve had the annual after-christmas family affair. I’m really not looking forward to it. Every year I say going to go through all the boxes, throw away stuff that’s broken or I don’t want and then put it all away neatly. Never happens. I get tired of it and just throw it all in the boxes and stash it in the attic with the promise I’ll do it next year. One of these years will be “next year.”

    2. Overeducated*

      Same here, took down the Christmas tree today and went on a cleaning binge. I thought I’d be sadder, but this week of true winter weather came at the right time. I actually like it being truly cold, quiet, icy, and desolate for a while, rather than 40 degrees with no character – walks and runs are nicer and hot drinks and food are more satisfying.

  116. online mattresses?*

    anyone buy a mattress/box spring online and can recommend a brand? It’s for two small children (2 and 4) so we’re looking for comfortable but…they’re little. It doesn’t really matter THAT much when you weigh <50lbs!

    We're looking at 2 twins, if that makes a difference. The cheaper the better but we don't want total junk. Going on a traditional bed frame vs platform.

    1. KR*

      I wouldn’t recommend the mattress for long term use but we got our guest bed and frame through Walmart. I normally don’t like shopping at Walmart but this price couldn’t be beat. The frame is super simple with plenty of room underneath to store things.

  117. Adult Life Question*

    Non-monogamous folks, if there are any reading this, when you meet someone who tells you they are in a non-monogamous long term relationship and they express interest in you, how do you verify that their significant other is ok with it? Do you meet that person and talk to them about it? I’m referring mostly to people who aren’t “out”, ie they’re not active in a related community and don’t talk about it online anywhere.

    I ask because I get this occasionally. And it always seems risky. How do I know for sure if the primary partner is really ok with it all? But I know some people do live this way – having multiple partners but not talking about it very publicly – so there must be norms around it that I’m missing.

    1. Theodoric of York*

      This is 2nd- or 3rd-hand: I’ve heard of only one way to verify this without actually talking to the non-participating partner, and I don’t know if it’s a norm.

      The interested party makes a video recording of his/her partner stating that the two of them are not monogamous. Then, I guess you have to verify that the person in the video is actually the partner.

    2. Lcsa99*

      I am not in a non-monogamous relationship and honestly have no interest so please take this with a grain of salt, but I get the impression that this kind of thing depends 100% on trust. The only way it can work is if you completely trust your partner and with that, I would assume you’d go into it trusting that the partner is actually ok with it.

      I have heard stories of the partner being completely involved – even suggesting or picking out people, but I honestly think if you’re willing to be in this type of relationship you need to be willing to take them at their word.

    3. Adult Life Question*

      Interesting. I thought of one thing – if the person has had semi-public secondary relationships before. Public enough that the primary partner would definitely know about it.

      I can see how it is a trust thing, but that’s a big leap to take when someone (primary partner) could hypothetically be getting hurt by your actions. I guess you have to go by how the person acts – if they act completely respectful of the other partner or if they act more like someone who’s cheating.

    4. Bobstinacy*

      I’m typically in non-monogamous relationships and honestly it’s very similar to monogamous dating.

      Someone can tell you that they’re single and secretly have a wife and kids at home just as easily as someone can lie about being ethically non-monogamous.

      I would just ask them about their primary partner and what their set up is and keep an eye for red flags in their behaviour. Cheaters exist in non-monogamy too and the warning signs are very similar to monogamist cheating.

  118. Liane*

    Suggestions for a phone number blocker app. I have an Android ZTE phone and I get service from Tracfone.

    I need one badly.

  119. Sami*

    Any other Sue Grafton fans here? I am so saddened by her passing away and that she won’t be able to finish her series.
    Do you have a favorite book and/or character?
    Kinsey is such a badass but I just adore Henry.
    My two favorites are “B is for Burglar” and “G is for Gumshoe”.

    1. Enough*

      Loved this series, don’t know if I could pick a favorite or two. Grafton did very well with the supporting characters and I wouldn’t mind living next door to Henry. I’m sorry she didn’t get a chance to do Z. I really wanted to see how she ended it.

    3. Dr. KMnO4*

      I was shocked to hear that she’d passed away. I met her at a book signing once and she was so nice. She was such a good author and I wish she had the opportunity to write Z. I love how Kinsey is more complex than a lot of female characters. She doesn’t conform to the annoying stereotypes that writers often use which makes her so much more interesting and believable.

      One of my favorite books is “V is for Vengeance”, though I do enjoy all of the books in the series. Henry is fantastic, and I love the relationship that he and Kinsey have. I really like Dietz, too, and was hoping to have some resolution to his relationship with Kinsey.

    4. Jill*

      The last few books were pretty bad. It’s sad that she won’t get to finish the series, though.

  120. PhyllisB*

    Do any of you save “found money”? By that I mean the pennies (nickles, dimes, ect.) that you find in the parking lots, under couch cushions, in the dryer, ect. I have a small bank in the laundry room where I throw mine and decided this year to see how much I had collected this year. Didn’t get to do it last year, because one of my kids discovered it and took it all. Anyway, I counted and rolled over $20.00 worth of change. Not a fortune to be sure, but it’s enough for a small treat. The BEST thing I ever found in the parking lot was, a piece of paper blown up against my front tire. Bent down to pick it up, and it was A HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And no, it didn’t go into the change bank!! :-)

    1. Anon anon anon*

      Yes! And I take it to those coin changer things at the grocery store. They take a percentage, but banks don’t accept coins so it seems like the best option.

      1. Nicole*

        They don’t take a percentage if you opt for a gift “card”. I always choose a machine that gives Amazon credit.

    2. Florida*

      I have a old piggy bank. I put change in there. About once a year, I roll the coins and take them to the bank. It doesn’t take that long to roll it, so it doesn’t bother me. I like that better than the coin changer machine at the store.

    3. Red Reader*

      I don’t spend change, I put it all into a coin jar, but not just found-money – anything from cash expenditures. It’s not a ton, since I don’t use much cash. I use two services that each track my card expenditures and transfer the “round-up” change from everything I spend, one into an investment account and one into a savings account. So if I spend $12.72 at the grocery store, 28 cents will go into my investment and 28 cents will go into my savings.

  121. Mazzy*

    Iphone help PLEASE! I give up!

    So something changed on my iphone where it doesn’t keep me logged into Youtube, and I cannot for my life make it so it remembers my password. Sometimes even if I just switch websites for a second it logs me out, which is really, really annoying.

    Does anyone know specifically how to stop this. It got my blood pressure very high trying to fix this online. It’s telling me to go to pages on my phone that don’t even exist, or giving general “advice” like “change internet settings.” OK, how does one do that? I can’t be the only person who has had this

    2. Florida*

      Do you only have this problem with youtube? In settings, I think there is something where it deletes your browser history every time you close it. That would make you have to log-in every time. I’m not an expert – this is just a hunch. Good luck. I know phone/computer/gadget problems are incredibly frustrating.

    3. Accidental Analyst*

      Are you using an incognito tab? They don’t remember passwords and will log you out

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      My suggestion: Open settings, and in the main screen, click Safari, the Autofill, and make sure the Names and passwords tab is green. (But if it is, and if only YouTube is doing this, you’ll probably have to just download the app.)

  123. Jessen*

    I have a complaint.

    Why is all the comfy-looking winter stuff only for men? I want some flannel lined jeans! Sadly, my backside really doesn’t do men’s pants.

      1. Jessen*

        Probably. I’m just whining. I was hoping for something that could be bought locally, or at least one of those buy online return in store deals. I end up wearing a lot of men’s clothing on my days off because it’s just sturdier and cheaper.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I know Cabelas and LL Bean sell them for women. I want them very badly, but neither brand fits me in my standard size (16) because the denim isn’t stretchy at all. But yeah, I’d love a pair, too. My husband has several pair of flannel-lined and a couple that are fleece-lined. I’m very jealous.

  124. Quackeen*

    Late post….but as the parent of a Transgender teen, THANK YOU for recommending that book!

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