my employee is needy and gossipy

by Alison Green on March 10, 2025

A reader writes:

In my small, fast-paced company, I have two employees in admin roles, Amelia and Molly. They were hired at the same time about five months ago and work in the same office (literally one room — we’re looking for a bigger space) in a different state from me and our main office.

They’ve hated each other from week one. Amelia is standoffish and quiet. Molly is loud and overbearing. Despite their personality clash, both do great work! They learn fast and don’t make many mistakes.

My issue is Molly. She’s very needy and gossipy. I have constant demands on my schedule and don’t have a lot of time to spend just chatting or going over things that are under control. I’ve tried to be up-front from day one that I’m happy to answer questions, explain processes, etc., but that my schedule is unpredictable and I can’t always respond immediately.

I got an email from Molly the other day asking if I was okay because she hadn’t heard from me in awhile. We’d emailed the day before and spoken on the phone a couple days before that! I’ve gotten the sense that Molly wants to spend a lot of time on the phone with me and wants praise on every small task she completes. Every time we talk on the phone, she rambles and it ends up being literally an hour-long conversation. I know making small talk is part of work relationships, but five minutes of that seems more appropriate to me. I’ve also told her she’s doing great several times. I can’t and won’t talk to her on the phone daily (it’s unnecessary — weekly phone check-ins seem fine to me) and also don’t feel like every email I’m cc’d on needs a response from me.

Molly also seems to be jealous of Amelia. She “reports” on her to me (“did you know she left early today?!”). She asks repeatedly if Amelia is doing a good job and seems skeptical when I say yes. She seems offended if I spend more time on the phone with Amelia than her (our projects overlap more). I’ve told her several times I’m happy with Amelia’s work and want them both to be here. I’ve acknowledged Amelia can be standoffish and asked if this impacts Molly’s ability to do her job but she says no.

How do I set expectations with Molly about (a) what I can give in terms of my time and attention and (b) that I do not want to gossip, especially about another employee? Molly’s capable of doing good work with minimal oversight and I need her to be okay with that and not ask for hand-holding she doesn’t need. I’m scared of alienating her and potentially causing her to leave, which I definitely do not want since she’s so strong at the actual work part of her job.

I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

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{ 47 comments }

{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Jackalope*

    Question for you, OP. Is Amelia genuinely standoffish or is she just… quiet, and more private? Having worked around people who are loud and overbearing, especially if we clash in other ways as well, has definitely made me super quiet in response because I can’t really get a word in edgewise. Not saying for sure that this is the case, but maybe try to consider Amelia’s actions from that angle and see if it helps. (This doesn’t help with the Molly issue but putting it there as a way to make relationships generally smoother.)

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    1. Jasmine Clark*

      That’s what I was thinking. Amelia may not actually be “standoffish” and that may just be a word Molly is unfairly using to describe her.

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    2. Hlao-roo*

      This is an old letter, but the OP did comment on the original and answered your question. Copied/pasted from the original comments section:

      3. I’m introverted like Amelia is and I do think she’s standoffish/unfriendly based on my own interactions with her (though I agree I don’t love that term and didn’t say it like that to Molly). I don’t blame her for being cold to Molly given the circumstances but it goes beyond that. She poses some other challenges I didn’t touch on here. She’s also part time and does less essential work. If one of them needs to leave, I would rather it be her. That being said, I and the owner of the company have checked in with her several times and listened to her issues with Molly. Our hands are a little tied as there’s not tons we can offer – she wants to work from home and the owner refuses to OK that. He’s looking for a larger office space with separate rooms for them but has had no luck thus far. I won’t be shocked if Amelia doesn’t last too much longer.

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      2. Pastor Petty Labelle*

        If someone goes, I hopes its the person who isn’t an emotional vampire. If Amelia goes, OP is still suck with Molly. Who will just move to complaining about NewAmelia. The problem isn’t Amelia, or the lack of space. It’s that Molly is needy and drags everything down.

        Molly needs to be told that she cannot expect micromanagement, that she will hear everything good or bad at the weekly check ins, and that you do not want to hear about other employees unless it impacts her work. Then stick to it. If she still is a time suck and wants to gossip, you need to say, we discussed this, you are not to do this. If it continues we will have to re-evaluate your employment here.

        Part of being a good employee is not making your boss wish they didn’t have to deal with you. Molly is failing at that.

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      3. Momma Bear*

        I wonder if Amelia stayed and if not, how that played out with Molly and/or Amelia’s replacement. Open offices can be a nightmare for introverts, no matter how nice the other people are.

        Molly seems insecure. I have a coworker who is like this and I’ve noticed that the more they have going on in their personal life that is difficult, the more problem I have with them in the office. Setting a time or “oh, I have to take this call” (dear reader, there is no call) helps.

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      5. Festively Dressed Earl*

        Depending on what “other challenges” Amelia presented, OP should have considered cross training Amelia or some other employees on Molly’s essential work. Keeping the drama llama in a position where she can drive off other good employees because you can’t afford to spare her is a bad corner to be in.

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      6. Librarian of Things*

        I’d be very curious for an update to see how this shook out during and after COVID if Amelia lasted that long. Certainly there’s been a lot of companies ending remote work, but there are also plenty of little offices that decided not paying rent is even better than butts in seats.

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      1. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

        Right and often it comes from the fear that the slightest encouragement results in an hour long monolog.

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      2. Paint N Drip*

        For me, “overstimulated”
        People like that tend to be so palpably intense, and once I know that they expect me to be a chat partner it causes stress when I know I am ‘bothering’ them by being quiet/reserved

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  2. Is it time to go yet?*

    I wonder if Amelia just detests Molly (because the way she is described by the OP she is insufferable). She might not be that way in real life, but if she is stuck in a room with someone she finds nosy and loud, she might appear as “standoffish.”

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  4. Hannah Lee*

    Good point! Sometimes, others can seem quieter, more reserved than they usually might be when they are in the presence of people who are on the more talkative, louder talking, more intrusive/overbearing end of the spectrum.

    And Molly not just wanting frequent contact, longer conversations and feeling comfortable raising concerns over things that are not likely her business – Amelia’s work schedule, Amelia’s performance status, OP’s schedule, OP’s not being super frequently in touch with Molly and Molly’s jump to “are you okay?” – combined with her loudness and chattiness and neediness and gossipiness … those are are things that would send me straight into my “just focus on your own stuff, do not engage unless you absolutely need to hidey-hole”

    And on the flip side, Amelia being not as chatty as Molly could be ramping up Molly’s Molly-ness. But in any case, right now Molly is the one with the problematic behavior who needs to focus on her own work and develop more independence, avoiding the gossip, the neediness and being a time-sink.

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    1. Elbe*

      If anything, I think it’s more likely that Molly is ramping up Amelia’s Amelia-ness.

      There’s something really off about faulting someone for being “standoffish” while you’re also actively trying to get them in trouble with your mutual boss.

      It sounds like Molly is trying to retaliate because Amelia doesn’t want to socialize. That’s deeply unprofessional and also bullying. Molly is an adult who needs to be okay with not everyone wanting to be her friend, especially at work.

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  5. TheBunny*

    This is one of those (rare) times where I find myself slightly disagreeing with Alison.

    OP sounds crazy busy. And I get it…but as I was reading the letter I found myself thinking that Alison was going to tell OP that part of the job as a manager is to adapt management styles to the person, but she didn’t.

    Maybe instead of a full redirect of Molly, OP could experiment with shorter but more frequent 1 on 1 meetings? I get that OP is busy but part of the job of a manager is to figure out HOW to successfully manage your team and sometimes that necessitates changing an approach. In this case I wonder if OP making small changes to decrease the length but up the frequency of the meetings might solve more of the problems?

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    1. I should really pick a name*

      It sounds like Molly is looking for more social time, not more professional contact, so I don’t think it makes sense to accommodate that.

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    2. Momma Bear*

      I wonder if OP didn’t want to do this because Molly will stretch it out. Fifteen minute standups are not uncommon, but OP would have to keep Molly on track.

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    3. Dinwar*

      The problem is that this is a two-way street, and one direction should see MUCH more traffic than the other. My manager should take my personality, needs, and such into account, sure–but my manager is higher than me on the hierarchy, and has both the authority and obligation to set the tone. I’m under much more of an obligation to adjust my work approaches to match my manager’s expectations than they are to adjust their managerial style to my personality.

      Nothing in the letter makes it sound like Molly is doing her part. She expects the LW to fit Molly’s idea of how things should run. In many ways, the manager is treating Molly as her employee. Which no manager has an obligation to put up with.

      I will also point out that the manager is responsible to the team, NOT to individuals within it. (Actually the manager is responsible to the company, with the team being how they deliver on that responsibility; our first loyalty is to the company.) Ideally yes, you benefit the team by benefiting the individuals. But sometimes you just can’t. Sometimes someone is so detrimental to the team that the only option is to let them go. Failure to do that sacrifices the team for the temporary good of an individual, which will inevitably end in ruin.

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    4. Jennifer Strange*

      Adapt to management style, to me, means “Sam works better if I meet with him first thing in the morning” or “Jane remembers details better when I follow up with an email.” It doesn’t mean uprooting your entire schedule to hold the hand of an employee who is at the point that they should be able to be more self-sufficient.

      Reply ↓
    5. Tired*

      I would agree if there was a business imperative to do so. But from what I took from the letter, the work is being done and done well and the topics of the phone calls are not work related. This, I think it’s less advisable to take frequent time away from work to meet the emotional/social needs of one employee, particularly when those needs seem out of alignment with the larger company culture. This is especially true if Molly is going to spend the daily 15 gossiping about the comings and goings of her coworker. It’s not a wise use of time in my opinion.

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      1. Smithy*

        In the OP’s original letter and follow-up comment however, keeping Molly is deemed to be desired to be kept more so than Amelia. And not only that, as Molly does her work well – the OP seems to desire to curb the social/gossipy dynamics while keeping her.

        If ultimately Molly does the work well, but seems to prefer to be in a somewhat more social/collaborative environment – then it does fall to the supervisor to find ways to adapt that also don’t entirely upend their schedule. If they have a one on one – doing something like changing it to perhaps have normally scheduled one on Monday/Tuesday and then schedule a 15 min check-in on Thursday. If the OP finds that they need the full time block to hit everything on their agenda, then try to add an additional five minutes here or there to a meeting to at least start with some chit chat. Or if a meeting ends early, don’t “give everyone back” those 3-4 minutes, but let those who need go and offer to stay to touch base with Molly.

        If Molly is truly replaceable, then basically curb or shut down the worst of these tendencies – but this is clearly someone who desires to work in an environment with more social interaction. And giving her none of it, won’t keep her – which the OP says is the desired outcome.

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    6. MigraineMonth*

      This job seems like it might not be right for Molly’s work style. She seems to need a large amount of social interaction and hand-holding at work, and that isn’t right for this work culture or largely independent role.

      Honestly, I’m not sure if I could thrive in a job with only a coworker who hardly ever talks to me and a manager who wants to meet with me once a week. I do best when I can talk through projects with someone else, which is why I have a problem-solving buddy at work and we bounce possible solutions off each other.

      Reply ↓
  6. Clam Condor*

    At my office I’m the quiet standoffish one and our office manager is the insecure people pleaser… and she’s loud too!!

    People pleasing and the constant need for validation is a trauma response from being rejected at some point in their life. It’s the fear of a severe consequence because they have “disappointed” you.

    Here’s what we say at our office to redirect our people pleaser:

    Overly conversational “Is this a business related manner? I have to move on to another task“”

    Constant validation “That falls within your scope of your responsibilities and I trust you to take care of it without my approval ”

    Tattle telling “Employee matters fall within my scope of responsibilities and I will handle it as needed”

    Reply ↓
  7. AnneCordelia*

    Oh jeez, I would absolutely be the “Amelia” in this situation. Molly sounds like a nightmare. I wonder whether Amelia “wants to work from home” just so that she doesn’t have to have Molly in her face all day. Has that been clarified?

    Reply ↓
    1. Paint N Drip*

      Me too, and I would definitely be trying to work anywhere but within her eyeline (tattling about leaving early? gtfoh)
      In the original letter, OP clarifies that Amelia is part-time and with OP working in another office anyway I can empathize with WFH desires

      Reply ↓
  9. HonorBox*

    This would be exhausting.

    I agree that starting a conversation with Molly by telling her the amount of time you have available is key. And it is really needs to be emphasized that LW cannot have conversations about someone else’s performance, unless there is a specific thing that is causing an issue.

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  10. Space Needlepoint*

    Is anyone else wondering if the same person hired Molly and Amelia? If it was the same person, I wonder why they didn’t pick up that the personality traits might mean they wouldn’t get along.

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    1. A. Lab Rabbit*

      Because we generally hire for skills and abilities, not because we think their personalities will conflict or complement each other. We expect adults to act like adults and manage their emotions. I’ve worked with a lot of people over the years that I didn’t really care for (and a couple that I absolutely detested), but I behaved in a professional way toward them regardless of my feelings.

      Reply ↓
    2. Enough*

      Plus the full personality doesn’t always come out in an interview. And the degree of it is effected by those around us.

      Reply ↓
  11. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

    I think there are 2 different problems with Molly that need to get separated out, as OP asks for 2 different pieces of advice in her closing paragraph.

    1) Chatty, demanding of OP’s time.
    2) Jealousy of her coworker, reporting on her, etc.

    The first is probably much more of a personal inclination and habit that will be harder to train Molly out of. The second is about professional behavior and work standards, and OP is perfectly justified in coming down **hard** on Molly for that.

    * “Did you know she left early today?”: “Molly, you’re both professionals who are perfectly capable of managing your workloads and your time on the clock. You need to stop paying attention to where Amelia is and concentrate on your work, and on your work only.”
    * “Is Amelia a good employee?”: “Molly, how I evaluate other employees on their performance is none of your business, and you need to stop asking about it. Furthermore, you need to stop thinking about the subject, and instead concentrate on improving your own performance.”

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  12. A. Lab Rabbit*

    I think the real issue here is that Molly just needs to be a position where she has a lot more interaction with a larger group of people. Sharing an office with just one part-time coworker who doesn’t like to chat is probably driving her crazy. Bigger office, more people, more working together on projects and having meetings.

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    1. Hitting the Glass Ceiling*

      I agree. Some employees need more social interactions at work and if there are not any suitable coworkers to chat with, they will trying getting this need met by their supervisor.

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    2. Elbe*

      Work isn’t for socializing and ultimately Molly should be getting her social needs met outside of work.

      If Molly wants a really social work environment, it’s up to her to select for that when she’s interviewing. It’s not on the LW to provide it. Molly’s behavior sounds genuinely disruptive, and I think it would be a problem even if more people were around to give Molly attention.

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      1. A. Lab Rabbit*

        You spend 8 hours a day there, so you do end up socializing, because you have to get along with people. But how much of it do you need? Some people need more, some people less. I need less, and it sounds like Molly needs more.

        This isn’t necessarily something you can select for when interviewing, though, unless you ask probing questions during the interview. I work with a lot of people, but they’re mostly nerdy science types who don’t do a lot of social interaction. On the surface, it would seem pretty social because of the sheer number of people here, but in reality, it’s not.

        I still stand by my original statement, though. I agree with you that Molly is being disruptive in this particular environment but she might not be an issue at all if surrounded by more people.

        I know there’s a lot of Molly-hate in the comments here, but I do feel for her. This is not the place for her.

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        1. Elbe*

          I think that people are reacting less to the fact that she seems to be an extrovert than to the fact that she’s being pushy about it. I can imagine someone being disappointed that an officemate isn’t more social, but it’s awful to be so upset with a quiet person that you try to get them in trouble. Simply having a preference is fine, but everyone has to be able to accept that other people may not be willing to meet that preference.

          The main socialization issues here seem to be that a) Molly is working in a two-person office and b) Molly’s work doesn’t require group collaboration. Both of those things could be determined in an interview. If Molly wants a better fit next time, I hope she’ll actively ask about office culture up front.

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    3. MassMatt*

      That might be a better situation for Molly, but there’s no indication that it’s available at this job. We can’t reconfigure offices solely to suit Molly. Maybe Molly would be happier in another job?

      Reply ↓
  13. cncx*

    The neediness is something that needs to be managed and coached. The snitching, on the other hand, is something that needs to be stopped right now.
    I just left a job with a snitch and need therapy from the fallout. If both are doing great work then Molly needs to be told that snitching ain’t it.

    Reply ↓
  14. nonprofitpro*

    Not to excuse poor behavior or that Alison and others don’t have some good redirection scripts, but one compassionate option would be to deliberately direct the connection with her manager she is obviously seeking. Perhaps say something, like I want to take the first (or last) five minutes of our meeting to get to know each other better professionally. But I want to balance that against our discussion list and so I’m going to set a timer. Start with an easy question like, what do you remember about your first/early job? You could then work up to things that would be more directly helpful, like “what have you learned about conflict resolution over your career.” Having employees know that you are interested in them can go a long way. You could alternate in the 5 minutes or alternate sharing week by week. Perhaps throw in a couple of discussion topics that are light hearted like where would you go on vacation if you could go anywhere or personal like do you have any hobbies that have been keeping you busy recently. There tends to be more “Amelia” like folks than “Molly” like folks on this website so I wanted to offer some ideas as someone who likes to know their manager a bit better.

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  15. Elbe*

    As Team Amelia as I am, I don’t really feel like this is an Amelia vs. Molly issue. This is a Molly vs. herself issue.

    This behavior is really not okay. Like any new employee, Molly needs to adjust to the pace and the standards of this job. Her behavior toward Amelia is also very inappropriate.

    If Molly thinks a “good boss” will do a lot of hand holding and gossiping, then the LW needs to be prepared for Molly to sour on her once boundaries are put in place. Even if Molly is able to adjust, I have a feeling that she won’t be happy about it.

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    1. Jennifer Strange*

      Agreed, I don’t think Amelia really factors into any of this other than Molly likely preferring a workmate who is more talkative.

      Reply ↓
  16. Beveled Edge*

    I wonder if we every got an update to this one. I was in this dynamic once, except the Molly was my boss, and I’d be worried that once Molly has been being stuck in that room long enough with someone not accepting her social advances, she would start bullying Amelia the way I was bullied.

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    1. A. Lab Rabbit*

      I looked for an update, but didn’t find one. There is a link to the original letter nested under the first comment. Apparently OP did respond in some of the comments.

      Reply ↓
  17. Thin Mints didn't make me thin*

    When they were hired, did both of them understand what the actual working situation would be? Some people do well when left to toil in silence; others need social connection during the workday. The pandemic disrupted a lot of our established patterns and some of us came away with a better understanding of our social needs.

    Reply ↓

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