update: my coworkers have way more money than me … and they constantly expect me to shell out cash for meals and gifts

by Alison Green on March 20, 2025

Remember the letter-writer whose coworkers had way more money than her but constantly expected her to shell out cash for meals and gifts? Here’s the update.

Thanks for posting my letter and for your advice a while back. I have a somewhat unsatisfying update.

The gift-giving has slowed down considerably, presumably because the federal workplace isn’t exactly festive at the moment. However, the original issue recently showed up in a different form. Our office admin offered to put together (what I understood to be) a no-host happy hour as a send-off event for a colleague who recently got DOGE’d. (Note: I understood it to be a no-host event because that is the norm for our field. In fact, when I first arrived they held a welcome happy hour for me, and everybody, including me, paid their own bill.) I truthfully mentioned that I had a schedule conflict that would have caused me to only be able to stay a few minutes and she told me how important it was that I show up for the laid-off coworker and at least come say goodbye. I saw her point and showed my face.

I was the second person to arrive at the venue. The first person to arrive (the same colleague from my last letter who is always declaring “let’s just split it!” and “Jane doesn’t have to pay, we’ll all cover her”) had already ordered a spread of appetizers and a bottle of her own favorite spirit. I mentioned that I wouldn’t be ordering anything because I had to rush out right away. Once the rest of the group had arrived and the server took orders, I again announced, “Nothing for me, since I have to leave early.”

Over the weekend, the same lady copied me to an email explaining that the bill had come to nearly $400 and assigning us all a portion that we’d need to send her. Apparently, she put the whole thing on her credit card and is looking to be reimbursed. I didn’t respond since I obviously racked up $0 of this outrageous bill. Seriously, how many $6 cocktails and $7 flatbreads could six humans possibly have ordered in 120 minutes?? Anyway, my husband told me that in times like these, it’s more important than ever to be viewed as a team player lest I be added to the “chopping block,” which is our name for the Elon-requested list of of individuals whose jobs can safely be cut. So, on Monday I reached out to her and reminded her that I didn’t order/consume anything but could still chip in a bit for team spirit. She responded with a fixed amount that she expected each attendee to pay — about twice the amount I had in mind — and followed up saying, “I know this feels unfair since you didn’t eat, but since we hosted Bob, you can think of it as your portion of the cost of his going-away party.”

First of all, we as a team, absolutely did not agree to “host” a going-away party for Bob. And at any rate, that’s not how any of this works. I do not know why this one person gets to just invent this nonsense reimbursement system in which she pays what she wants and assigns the rest of us to cover the rest regardless of our actual consumption. She eventually followed up with a second email to me only saying, “Of course, if you prefer not to contribute, I understand,” to which I projected some snark that may or may not have been intended. I Venmo’d her the amount I was comfortable with and vowed to never spend any time with these folks outside the office ever, ever again. This may not be an issue much longer as I’m informed that my entire office is slated to get DOGE’d in the next couple of weeks. Some folks are being reassigned and some are being axed entirely.

My takeaway from the happy hour experience is that my team’s earlier behavior had nothing to do with rich people being out of touch with most people’s spending-related norms and simply needing me to bring it to their attention. Since: (1) my colleague was fully aware that I didn’t eat or drink, but still spelled out that I need to pay 1/5 of the bill, and (2) remarked that it may “seem unfair” for me to subsidize everyone else’s excesses and encouraged me to view it a different way as though I am the one with a perception problem, it seems to me that it was always a matter of unreasonable people feeling entitled to my money.

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{ 186 comments }

{ 186 comments… read them below or add one }

    1. Aggretsuko*

      Wow. The nerve of this woman.

      I guess there’s one silver lining to being DOGE’d if you don’t have to deal with this crap any more….

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      1. MsM*

        Yeah, if DOGE actually did what it claims to do in a regulated way, I might support these people being on the chopping block. (As it is, since they’re buddy-buddy with industry, the worst offenders may end up just fine.)

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      2. Putting the Dys in Dysfunction*

        There is no silver lining to being DOGE’ed. The nerve of this woman (which admittedly is sizable) is just a billionth of the nerve of that plutocrat who destroys lives in order to feather his own nest.

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    3. Momma Bear*

      She was out of line, IMO.

      This is probably moot due to the current…everything…but I wouldn’t attend anything anymore, honestly. I’d offer to take close colleagues out to lunch if you want to say farewell and then skip the office gigs, because they’re just shakedowns for money. If she couldn’t afford the $400, then she shouldn’t have spent it. $400 split 5 ways is still $80 – not insignificant for a lot of people.

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      1. Koala*

        When I read $400, I assumed that was going to be split among, say, 10 people. $80 for happy hour is absurd, especially if you didn’t have anything!

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      2. Beth Jacobs*

        $ 80 is a lot! That’s something I budget for a nice night out with friends/boyfriend, not for an office happy hour.

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        1. Tiny Soprano*

          Geez, the last time I had a (very) nice meal out with my boyfriend we didn’t even spend that much. For drinks and nibbles at happy hour, that would be bananas.

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      3. goddessoftransitory*

        This. I don’t know what her deal is, but if she wants to spend four hundred bucks without discussing it with ANYONE beforehand and bill them after? Hah, no.

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  2. Jane Doe*

    This seems like as relevant a time as any to remind everyone that around 45% of Americans have credit card debt.

    Whether someone has a good income or not, never feel obligated to keep up with others. There’s a good chance they’re living beyond their means.

    And you don’t have to over explain, just oh sorry, I can’t make it / can’t do that.

    Good luck OP, sorry you’re caught up in DOGE’s mess.

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    1. Niles "the Coyote" Crane*

      This is such a good point though.

      I did wonder reading the letter and update whether there others feeling this way but desperately hiding it under debt.

      Or, as Alison said in her reply to the original letter, whether there are more people than you realise who deeply resent being expected to spend their money this way, even if they have it.

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      1. So Tired Of God's Specialest Princesses*

        After the first pushback, I would probably start burning bridges. Time for a reply-all blast where you pull in EVERYONE who was at the shindig, including your manager, and maybe CC your HR rep if you know them, and lay it all out:

        (1) My budget is very tight. I do not have wiggle room. No amount of personal finance advice will change that.
        (2) Because my budget is tight, I did not order food or beverages.
        (3) Because of the two above factors, I will not be able to contribute to this.

        And just let the chips fall. If you wanna be a dickhead in private, we can air the whoooooole thing in public, and you can either back off or look like a dick to everyone.

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        2. GlitsyGus*

          Agreed. I have gotten over the embarrassment of saying, “sorry, I can’t afford it.” or, “sorry, there isn’t room in my budget for that,” and it has really helped me out a lot. Just say it early, not after the bill arrives so that the expectation is set, rather than having pressure coming in when money is due (I don’t mean situations like OP’s, since they didn’t know the plan was to split things until after the fact, though having said several times in the past “I don’t budget for this” could go a long way towards the push back.).

          But yeah, it isn’t embarrassing to have your budget prioritized in a way that doesn’t leave room for over the top office expenses. Especially when you know any of you could be laid off any day! That is ridiculous! I would be socking away every extra dime just in case, not paying for Happy Hours.

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      2. Tess McGill*

        There are few things I resent more are other people deciding how I spend my time and how I spend my money.

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        1. Charlotte Lucas*

          This! Also, that is not how you split up a bill like that! Everyone pays for their own drinks and food, and you split up the amount for the guest of honor!

          Appetizers are either paid for by whoever ordered them or also split up.

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          1. GlitsyGus*

            Agreed. If that had been the case, I might have grumbled a bit about covering Exiting Colleague a bit, but eh, $10 I can handle. I probably would have offered to buy him a drink anyway, had I been able to stay. Other people’s stuff though? No.

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    2. WillowSunstar*

      Not to mention, possibly student loan debt and also medical debt, and then there’s apartment rent and/or mortgages. People shouldn’t be forced to pay something frivolous they can’t and didn’t order.

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      1. PinkUnicornClub*

        Yep – according to some surveys done in 2023, 31% of Americans have a negative net worth. This can include assets like a mortgage on a home of course, but it’s not unusual even for people who make a good salary.

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    3. Yankees fans are awesome!*

      Two words – interest rates. Another two: medical debt. Two more: laid off. None are even near to “a good chance” people are “living beyond their means.”

      @LW: good for you. I’d resolve to do the same if that’s how these things are handled where you work.

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    2. I’ll have the crab Rangoon*

      “So, on Monday I reached out to her and reminded her that I didn’t order/consume anything but could still chip in a bit for team spirit.“

      That’s the problem, right there. The unnamed woman trying to foist the bill on others is wrong, sure. But OP is being a doormat. Her response should have been, “perhaps I didn’t make myself clear. I did not order anything and stayed only briefly, so I will not contribute to the cost of the event.”

      The reasons this keeps happening is because OP refuses to say “no.” It even sounds like table spread lady is OP’s peer, not her manager. So why not push back?

      DOGE is irrelevant to this. If anything, the profligate spender would be in the crosshairs more than the budget-cutter. But an office party is under the radar, anyway. And it seems like the entire office got DOGEd anyway.

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      1. Cremino*

        I frankly could not agree more. The husband’s suggestion as well is naive at best. If a time comes when they want to fire, they will do so, no matter how much team-spirit you displayed.

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      2. bamcheeks*

        Yes, I also thought, “but y tho?” at that point! Frankly this person was going to be arsey about it either way, so I definitely wouldn’t have felt the need to meet them halfway. If I really felt I owed the universe some money somewhere along the way, I’d rather give it to charity than enable Ms Blithely Spends Other People’s Money.

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        1. Myrin*

          Yeah, I think crab Rangoon’s comment is somewhat harsh but I had in essence the same thoughts while reading the update because OP apparently didn’t utilise any of Alison’s advice at all which, more than anything, confused me.

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      3. Niles "the Coyote" Crane*

        That is 100% not “the problem.”

        You could possibly say it is a small part of the problem, but even then, it is such a smaller problem than the actual problem, that it would be a really odd thing to focus on.

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        1. Six for the truth over solace in lies*

          Thanks. It frustrates me when people act like receiving poor treatment and not responding to it ideally is at all comparable to the initial bad behavior. People who are being badly treated are not responsible for fixing the problem.

          “You’re why he/she does this because you’re such a doormat” is a socially acceptable way of victim blaming. The problem is the bad actor for bad acting, not the victim for being “spineless.”

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          2. BridgeofFire*

            It’s the same mindset that brings you phrases like “If you ignore them, they won’t bully you” or “You just need to grow a thicker skin.”

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          3. Myrin*

            I’m not loving the way crab phrased it but surely you can’t deny that OP had every right to say “no” (which was even one of the points Alison advised her on) and yet she… didn’t.
            That doesn’t make the other person’s behaviour any less outrageous but OP did have an avenue to make it stop – because what was that horrid woman going to do? Steal the money from OP’s purse? – and didn’t take it. That doesn’t take away from the coworker’s horribleness or the fact that she’s of course the root cause of it all.

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          4. LL*

            Of course the problem is the person pressuring OP for money, but she had agency here, too. She didn’t have to pay. It’s important for people to know that they aren’t completely helpless in situations like this.

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  4. Zona the Great*

    Ugh. I hate this crap. I once told a boss, who insisted on weekly team lunches but didn’t pay for them, that I could no longer afford to do lunches and he told me I had to come anyway. I guess I would just sit there and watch? I just quit instead.

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    1. H.C.*

      I would’ve brought my own lunch box and just popped it open at the restaurant; if restaurant staff makes a fuss, I’ll just defer to boss.

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      1. Sagegreen is still jobless.*

        That would be fabulous to see. Maybe in a Charlie Brown lunchbox or something similar.

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    2. Disappointed with the Staff*

      I’ve done that at a mandatory team lunch that was at a restaurant where I couldn’t risk eating anything (their approach to allergens was ‘the more the merrier’). It was kind of weird but the people who questioned me mostly accepted my explanation.

      The lesson management took from that was to make future lunches optional but strongly encouraged. I never went to another one and when I left it was for other reasons (career advancement, not better management)

      Reply ↓
  5. toolegittoresign*

    LW, I am so sorry your coworkers are like this.
    I am normally a “let’s all split it!” person but if any one person says “I would prefer my own bill” or if they didn’t order anything, it’s nuts to push back at all. Especially in a case like this where it was not previously agreed that everyone would “host” Bob.

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    1. RunShaker*

      the issue with “let’s all split the bill” is that people typically won’t push back and ask for their own bill. They feel uncomfortable especially when more people agree on splitting the bill. And there’s people that want to keep their finances to themselves especially when it comes to coworkers. To all that are uncomfortable, please don’t be and let the waitstaff know at the beginning that you’re on separate check. Personally, this is pet peeve unless it is a group of close friends that are comfortable on speaking up and agreed upon before hand.

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      1. Saturday*

        Exactly – when someone says “Let’s split it!” it’s hard to be the person who says, “I don’t want to – I ordered something cheap for a reason.”

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        1. I’ll have the crab Rangoon*

          There are times in life when you get to do something hard because it’s in your interest.

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          1. Saturday*

            Sure, but I’m just saying why put someone in the position of having to do that if it’s easy to avoid?

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          2. GlitsyGus*

            There are also times to consider others and their situations and not make things unnecessarily difficult.

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        2. Bossy*

          I used to feel like that but now I have no qualms with saying, actually I had one drink so here’s $20. End of story.

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      2. Babbalou*

        Yeah, I stopped going out to restaurants with neighbors over this issue. My husband and I generally have an entre and a glass of wine. The neighbors ordered multiple bottles of wine (for a table of 6) and everyone but us also ordered appetizers and desserts. The restaurant was expensive for us. We split the bill but just never went out with them again.

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      3. DJ Abbott*

        This scenario has been shown on TV in more than one sitcom. Friends and GameFace come to mind. Anyone who watches sitcoms should already be aware of this.

        Reply ↓
      4. Bast*

        If I am on my own check, when the server comes to take my order I immediately state, “I’m going to be on my own check, please.” No surprises. No big fanfare. While there are situations where I might split, typically it’s easier not to and just head it off than to stew in resentment because someone thinks we “basically ordered the same thing” without taking into account the 4 mixed drinks they ordered are $8.00-$15.00 a pop and I’m not paying for that when I got a $3.00 Pepsi. You may think we ordered “basically the same thing” but we didn’t.

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      5. GlitsyGus*

        This. I was almost 40 before I really felt comfortable saying that, especially at a work thing. Ironically, it was when I was under 40 that I could least afford to do splitsies.

        Reply ↓
    2. NotJustTheMrs*

      I would urge you to reconsider being a “let’s all split it” person. It is incredibly simple for a server to do checks for each person from the start. To put it on an individual person to speak up is inconsiderate. It’s easy for a power imbalance or wanting to fit in to stop someone from advocating for themselves. If someone wants to step up to pay for someone else’s meal, it’s much easier to offer that than the other way around.

      Reply ↓
      1. HB*

        To add to this:

        If your overall goal is to remove stress/make it easy, you should be the “I can put everything on my card and we can settle up later” person, and where settling up means people pay for what they ordered. With venmo (not to mention being able to take a picture of the receipt), this is much, much easier than it used to be.

        We have a friend with whom we regularly just split the bill – and my husband pointed out that there are two of us and only one of him and maybe we should change the way we do it, but his response was that my husband and I are always hosting him at our home so it evens out. Anytime I’m out with friends/people I’ve never dined out with before I would only offer to be a “Let’s just split it” person if I knew that I was the least expensive contributor – otherwise I’m just offering for them to subsidize me. (I had a *lot* of anxiety around this kindof thing when I was in grad school)

        Reply ↓
        1. GlitsyGus*

          As a server, this is the ideal if it can be done. Some restaurants have limits to the number of splits allowed, and it can get tricky for the waitstaff, especially during a meal rush. If one person can cover, or do the math quickly (I had a friends who was insanely fast at splitting up checks in her head) that is the way to go. If not, politely ask for separate checks and don’t get shirty if the server says they can’t if the party is over a certain size.

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      2. Jay (no, the other one)*

        Not all restaurants around here will do separate checks and those that do will limit the numbers. They’ll do separate checks for four people but not ten, which I can understand, especially if they don’t have an updated electronic order system.

        I don’t mind doing separate checks. I hate figuring out each person’s share when a joint check comes. It’s still better than someone paying for something they didn’t plan on.

        Reply ↓
      3. Antilles*

        I legitimately don’t understand the point of “let’s all split it”.
        You’re raising all sorts of potential issues with people feeling uncomfortable pushing back, people feeling taken advantage of when someone orders the most expensive thing on the menu, possible cost if someone leaves early but does bad math of leaving my share but forgetting tax/tip, etc.
        In exchange for all those potential negative downsides, the upside is?

        Reply ↓
        1. Not your typical admin*

          I think it comes from pre computer days when splitting was harder. Now it seems most chains even allow you to split the check however when you pay at the table.

          Reply ↓
    3. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

      I’m like this with friends and family, but not with coworkers. Fortunately, I’ve never been in a situation where there was an attempt to just split the bill at work. I could kinda understand if the organizer didn’t want to have to do a bunch of math to figure out what everyone owed, but that’s just not how restaurants work anymore. I mean, they can even spread one item over multiple people’s bills.

      Reply ↓
      1. Team Accounting*

        Generally I’ll split the bill with friends, if our bills are roughly the same. But at work, nope, I’m paying for exactly what I ordered.

        One department I worked in, the team lead would pay the entire bill then send the itemized receipt around for everyone to mark what they ordered. He would then send out an Excel spreadsheet outlining what everyone owed him, even calculating tax and tip for the individual orders. We sometimes had a dozen or more people going to lunch and everyone seemed to like this method. I know I did since it meant I wasn’t overpaying.

        Reply ↓
        1. Bitte Meddler*

          This is what my friends’ group does if we’re at a place that won’t split the check (yes, they still exist).

          Whoever pays keeps the itemized receipt, puts the details in a Google Sheets doc, and then people put their names next to the items they consumed.

          One person got fancy and built some math into it, so that just putting your name next to something calculated the tax and that item’s proportional share of the tip, added it all together and put the total on a Summary tab. Pretty cool.

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        2. Shopgirl*

          Yes, when we are out with friends and the bill looks roughly close we split. I usually am on the losing end because I don’t drink but they usually will just cover more of the tip to compensate. No one is big drinkers and if we end up covering $8 more for an extra drink ordered on another side we are fine. I’ve known these people 30+ years.

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        3. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

          Where I live, the default seems to be to prepare a bill for each person at the table. No complaints here!

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      2. JustaTech*

        Yes, now that it’s easy for the waiter to split the bill/ do separate checks I would never suggest splitting the bill (unless maybe we went somewhere that served family-style).

        Years ago when I worked in academia we went out for a nice lunch as a group. I haven’t had that much trouble getting the bill split and properly paid since I was in high school. To this day my joke is “how many PhDs does it take to split the bill? The world will never know!”
        (It didn’t help that one scientist tried to just not tip and claimed he “didn’t understand”. He knew, he was just cheap.)

        Reply ↓
    4. Strive to Excel*

      I’m generally *not* a “let’s split it” person, with a few exceptions. There’s one restaurant nearby in particular where food is served family-style and it’s very hard to get a good check split. When I go with my friend she prefers to split both the food and the bill evenly rather than having a meal each. But she’s aware that’s not everyone’s cup of tea, so she’s really good about a) telling people up-front what to expect in terms of price point, and b) managing people at the table so that no one person runs up the bill. *That’s* how it’s done.

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    5. Mid*

      My friend group has worked out a good system. If we go somewhere with family style food, we make sure everyone can eat everything (or almost everything), and then split the check. If we’re all ordering separate dishes, everyone pays separately, and if we’re at a place that doesn’t split checks (which is a fair number of restaurants near us), the person with the best credit card rewards covers the check and everyone pays them for their dishes and drinks. If we’re treating someone in the group for their birthday or whatever, we all decide that beforehand, and everyone in our friend group is polite enough to not abuse our generosity. We have a group with people with varying dietary requirements, some who love to drink expensive cocktails and some who don’t drink at all, so just splitting the bill evenly has never been seen as a reasonable option.

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    6. Pumpkin cat*

      Ugh, you let’s split it people. I’m a picky vegetarian who doesn’t drink, so my bill is usually 1/3 to 1/4 of everyone else’s. Luckily my friends aren’t oblivious like you and never do that option, we always get our own checks.

      Reply ↓
  6. The Rural Juror*

    What’s wrong with “It’s for Bob!” is that Bob will have no clue who was charged for this. It’s not like when you buy a group gift and everyone who contributed signs a card. It’s not for Bob, it’s for the person who spent all the money. How infuriating!

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      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        If he did, I am impressed.

        But the OP should agree to pay for her share of Bob’s food and drink. Nobody else.

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    2. Original LW*

      Also…Bob is an already rich executive who landed on his feet in a $$$ role in an adjacent private sector industry. Having the remaining fedgov workers–all of whom are at imminent risk of layoff and are unlikely to have his luck–foot this bill is very tone deaf.

      Reply ↓
      3. GlitsyGus*

        Yeah, that makes it way worse. Spotting a cocktail for someone at my level or lower? Sure. Wining and dining an executive? Get out of here with that nonsense.

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  7. Saint Elmo*

    What a crappy situation. Your coworkers are indeed being unreasonable, and I’m really sorry that you’re in that situation OP. As a fellow Government worker in Canada, I empathize super hard. I feel like people like this are in every Gov office, for whatever reason. I suppose for better or for worse (???) it sounds like you won’t need to endure it much longer. I wish you the best in dealing with your coworkers, and in the job search, should you need it.

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    2. Another fellow Government worker in Canada*

      I’m so thankful that I work with a bunch of people who are as frugal as I am, and that I’ve never encountered this in government.

      Our group recently went out for a lunch in celebration of someone moving to a new group and it was agreed ahead of time that we would each pay up to $5 toward the departing coworker’s meal. When he found out at the end of the meal he refused and paid his own, though I think our boss did pay for the dessert after a friendly negotiation.

      I had a coworker who used to organise big group lunches at a local pizza place and at the first one I asked him how he got such a high attendance, to which he explained that his wife was great at finding coupons so the cost per person for a big pizza feed was less than $10, often closer to $5. Oddly enough in that case we were happy to split the bill (something I normally dislike) but we were each expected to take a certain number of slices so the benefit was even.

      The idea of doing what happened to Original LW is just appalling!!!

      Reply ↓
  8. Yikes*

    OP I feel for you being put in a crappy situation, and I REALLY understand the current environment for feds, but this also feels like a situation where you could have put your foot down more! It would have been very reasonable for you to say you’re tightening your personal budget (especially in light of DOGE!).

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    1. ReallyBadPerson*

      This is where I land. Shouldn’t every at-risk person being tightening their budget? If you think you might get DOGE-d, now is not the time to throw expensive parties.

      Reply ↓
    2. FunkyMunky*

      I agree! just don’t show up, ignore emails with bill splits and do not engage in discussions around this subject. Don’t leave a door open for them to weasle in and force this down your throat

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  9. Mags*

    Where I work, it’s standard to take turns pay for the meals while on travel since BUT it’s generally understood that the junior folks pay for breakfasts and lunches while the senior folks pay for dinners and drinks. Off the record, I tell the junior employees if they jump up and pay for a breakfast or lunch early in the trip and then don’t go overboard with their dinner order (so they don’t look “greedy”), they’ll end up ahead after accounting for per diem. It’s a balancing game that was super awkward when I started, but I’m glad the folks are a lot more understanding than OP’s!

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    1. TMarin*

      I traveled on a per diem, as did my colleagues, and we all paid our own bills. It seems a little weird to be paying for other people’s meals in a per diem situation. But it sounds like it worked for your group.

      Reply ↓
      1. Mags*

        I think it started as a way to make life easier so there was only one check and they didn’t have to think about reimbursing each other since usually it was a wash. But it’s nice because if I’m paying for dinner then I pretty much get to dictate where we go and if I want four appetizers and two desserts to try things, no one can say anything since I’m paying!
        (though I did get a little ribbing when one time because I ordered three sopapillas for lunch with another one for dessert, #SorryNotSorry)

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    2. A Manager for Now*

      Interesting. Everywhere I’ve worked, the most senior/high ranking person pays for every meal eaten together, but it’s all been on company cards rather than a per diem so that probably makes a difference. Often that’s because the person approving the expense is the more senior person and it’s a little fishy to approve your own meal.

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    3. JustKnope*

      That sounds like an absolutely WEIRD system. If you have a per diem, why is anyone paying for group meals?

      Reply ↓
    4. Niles "the Coyote" Crane*

      I’m so confused by how that would be better than paying for your own.

      I wouldn’t want to be obligated at all like that, especially if I was more junior.

      I’d want the flexibility to sort my own and have whatever breakfast, lunch, dinner combination that suited me, including a bigger dinner of my own budgeting and choosing when I wanted to.

      Being obligated to pay for other people’s breakfasts and then having to worry about looking “greedy” at dinner because someone else has decided they are paying for my dinner would drive me absolutely round the bend.

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      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        I feel the same. Also, having to have every meal with coworkers while traveling sounds like a nightmare. And I really like most of my coworkers.

        Reply ↓
  10. Hearts & Minds*

    This is ridiculous. I think splitting Bob’s bill among the participants and everyone paying for their own meals would be the farthest I’d be willing to go in this situation.

    Reply ↓
    1. Great Frogs of Literature*

      Yeah, when a party is for a colleague I’m willing to pay a share of what the colleague got, assuming it wasn’t, like, steak tartar with saffron and pine nuts and the most expensive alcohol on the menu. But if everyone else is drinking/eating and I’m not, or if I got something small and cheap and they didn’t, it’s not on me to subsidize what everyone else is having.

      Reply ↓
  11. Saturday*

    I get why people wanted to cover Bob’s share – expecting someone to pay their own way when they’re a new person is different to me than expecting them to pay when they’ve just been laid off.

    But everyone else should pay their own way – especially if they’re going to spend so much! Seems like a couple of drinks and a couple of appetizers would have been a nice sendoff.

    Reply ↓
  12. Not your typical admin*

    This would be so annoying to me. Especially when you knowingly didn’t eat/drink anything. I would have felt so wrong for asking someone to contribute in that situation.

    Reply ↓
  13. Sunflower*

    Ugh! I used to suck it up and split the bill since it’s usually a few dollars difference. I still hate spending more than I ordered but didn’t have the spine to fight for a few bucks. But I finally balked at a Japanese place. I order a chicken plate that was around $15 and the others had the hibachi show which cost $$$. I sadly deprived myself of hibachi because I was on a budget so I’ll be damned if I eat chicken only to subsidize their expensive meal!

    Good for the OP to realize they need to remove themselves from those situation in the future. If you’re not there, you’re not paying.

    Reply ↓
  14. TMN*

    I’ve always hated splitting the bill as someone who’s vegetarian and whose meal is nearly always less than those who order something with meat. I’m sure if I had the money I wouldn’t care, but unfortunately I really can’t afford to subsidize other people’s meals.

    Reply ↓
    2. JustaTech*

      Very reasonable!
      In college we had a complete reversal of that – a couple of times a year we’d organize a trip to a chain steak house (like Outback) and specifically invite a couple of vegetarians to eat all the sides, because between the salad and the potatoes we never really got to our steaks, which were really the whole point.
      So the vegetarians maybe paid for their drinks and a good time was had by all.

      Reply ↓
    3. Ally McBeal*

      I’m not veg but grew up low-income and still am not making much money. I also waited tables in college. The vast majority of restaurants are ABLE to split bills according to what each person ordered; some of those restaurants refuse to allow it as a matter of policy, and therefore I don’t go to those restaurants (which are usually so fancy that they’re out of my budget anyway). The rest may not enjoy doing it but will if asked, so I just insist. I haven’t equally-split an uneven bill in a very long time and I think my friendships are stronger for it.

      Reply ↓
    4. MSD*

      I hate splitting the bill because I don’t go out to eat very often so when I do I like to splurge. I always ask for a separate check because I really don’t want others to subsidize me. If the check is being split then I make sure what I’m ordering is in line with what others are getting so I don’t necessarily get what I want (a second glass of wine, a more expensive entree , etc). I always ask for a separate check when I order.

      Reply ↓
  15. AnonFed*

    I’m a fed and because of supervisor rules they’ve made very very clear that when we go out with our boss either everyone pays separate checks or the supervisor can pick up certain things. But they never want a situation where an employee is contributing money for their boss’s meal.

    Reply ↓
    1. Another Fed*

      Bob was described as a colleague, not a boss, and there is an exception for retirement parties. Not that she should pay but it doesn’t seem to violate the ethics rules here.

      Reply ↓
      1. AnonFed*

        Yes but the original letter they took up a collection to send a sick boss a gift basket. That’s clearly outside of the ethics rules.

        Reply ↓
      2. L.H. Puttgrass*

        There is an exception for retirement parties, but federal employees may not solicit contributions unless they make it clear that any contributions, and the amount of contributions, are completely voluntary. Here’s an example from 5 C.F.R. § 2635.304 :

        Example 5 to paragraph (c): An Assistant Secretary at the Department of the Interior is getting married. The Assistant Secretary’s assistant has decided that a microwave oven would be a nice gift from the staff and has informed each of the Assistant Secretary’s subordinates that they should contribute $5 for the gift. The assistant’s method of collection is improper. Although it is permissible to recommend a $5 contribution, the recommendation must be coupled with a statement that the employee whose contribution is solicited is free to contribute less or nothing at all.

        Reply ↓
  16. Sparkles McFadden*

    I’m going to repeat what I said in the comments section for the original posting: People are extremely generous when paying for things with other people’s money. Now I’ll add this: The people who organize such things do so just so they get to have eleven drinks, lobster, caviar, a steak plus three desserts and have other people pay for it. They’ll invite non-work friends and order food to take home, and pay for all of it with everyone else’s money. Then, because it was something organized for another person, they try to guilt or strongarm you into “paying your share.”

    I also want to add that giving money to your entitled coworker is not in the definition of a “being team player.” If someone is ridiculous enough to hold something like this against you, they’ll fire you for some other arbitrary reason like “She didn’t smile at me in the hallway enough.”

    Reply ↓
    1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

      Dang, I didn’t even think about the possibility of this lady (or anyone else, for that matter) “accidentally” over-ordering so there would be stuff to take home. Could help explain how the bill got to be $400 for a small group. Though that could also be expensive drinks.

      Reply ↓
      1. Elizabeth West*

        Yuuuuuuup. Like I said below, this is a grift.

        Even if she’s not taking leftovers, it still is because she’s soliciting from other people to pay for her upgrades.

        Reply ↓
    2. Bossy*

      While I in no way agree with your first paragraph – I attend many events, organize outings and events (as requested much of the time) and have really never seen the like of what you mentioned – I do agree with the 2nd paragraph. Giving someone money you didn’t spend isn’t being a team player and if someone is mad you didn’t give them money you did not spend they’re definitely ridiculous.

      Reply ↓
    3. Ellis Bell*

      Yeah this sounds like one person, who is absolutely a mooch, blames colleagues’ life events for it, and is simply being allowed to get away with it by peers. Mooches are shameless, so expecting them to honour usual rules is just simply never going to happen. I realise OP is concerned about job security, but this is just some peer who is trying to mooch! Peers don’t control your job security anyway! Also, when you are not sure of your future pay cheques, that is the absolute BEST time to stand up to mooches going after what may be the last few. I would really urge OP to start blandly saying no once, and then auto sending all replies into a wastebasket folder. It will be a folder full of manipulation and snark, and unless you want to read that, I say don’t. I would reply to initial group emails once only, along the lines of: “Oh, I’m 100% sure the people who ordered those things will repay you”, “Oh I didn’t eat!” or “I can’t spend a lot on social things while our jobs are at risk” (then simply DO NOT respond to her resulting snark; there’s no reason to! What is she going to say?), or “Since we don’t have job security, I don’t think it’s a great idea to ask colleagues to splurge a lot of money unnecessarily; I won’t be doing so”. Also, I sense some sensitivity on OP’s part of being thought of as cheap, or poor, even though that is clearly just basic mooching manipulation. She’s never going to actually call OP cheap, and what if she does? In this situation I respond “Yep, I’m cheap, so stop coming at my wallet.” or “Yes I’m terrified of what is happening and how I can pay the bills”. Even if you only say the “Yes” part out loud, and say the rest internally, it’s powerful enough to stop caring about that characterisation.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah, in this case it sounds like it’s 100% this one specific woman. So I would just be extremely direct with this person from now on that they can’t help themselves to my wallet. How many times is OP going to fall for versions of this same scam? It’s not even a team player thing, it’s just Cheap Stacy.

        Reply ↓
    4. ScottW*

      All this. $400 is nothing when people want top-shelf alcohol and expensive apps. I once attended something where it came out to $100 a person, and all I had was a coke and a few bites of something. Luckily for me someone saw the inequity and picked up my part.

      Reply ↓
  17. Resentful Oreos*

    Ugh, I hate the “let’s all split the bill” for the reasons everyone has noted. I only do it with long term friends I trust. I never do it with coworkers if I can possibly help it.

    TBH I think your husband is being a bit of a nervous Nellie. If they want to DOGE you they will find a reason, and not ponying up enough cash would just be an excuse. I don’t know if he’s a worry wart in general or if it’s just around this situation, but it might be a good idea to tell him to back off unless you know he’s the type to say “I TOLD YOU SO” if the worst happens.

    Reply ↓
    1. Parenthesis Guy*

      Well, the office might be told they need to cut x number of jobs rather than the entire office getting cut. But I agree that you can’t live your life that way in the world of maybes and could bes.

      Reply ↓
      1. also a fed*

        That doesn’t seem like it’s happening and it’s definitely not happening on this level. The vibes (no one will put anything in writing) we’re getting is we will be told to cut X number of jobs. Someon at my boss’s boss’s boss’s boss level will go at the org chart witha red pen. Thus, my entire department is going to get cut. It doesn’t matter how much of a team player they are, they want a new health record rolled out in 5 years and no one to actually do it.

        Reply ↓
        1. T.N.H*

          This varies a lot by agency though. Some are picking and choosing individuals based on all sorts of factors.

          Reply ↓
        2. Original LW*

          My agency leadership (all acting/interim) says they have been given a target percentage of positions to cut. Some took the fork, some retired/early, some left in the probationary sweeps and apparently there’s still RIFing left to do. All of us are doing our best–in whatever ways we know how–not to end up on the RIF list. All the moreso in my particular department, which we’ve been told is closing.

          Reply ↓
    2. Original LW*

      The psychological abuse around threatening us–individually and as a department– with termination has been intense. I clean off my desk every afternoon in case I get laid off after COB. My husband is aware of this and is positively *shook* that I will lose my job. These past few weeks, he’s actually had several recommendations for things I can do to make myself as unproblematic as possible. Unfortunately for us both, he also does have a bit of a retrospective “I told you so” streak sometimes.

      Reply ↓
        1. Resentful Oreos*

          I agree, *if* Husband blames LW if LW is let go that is NOT cool. It’s one thing to fret constantly, that’s just annoying, but saying or implying that LW brought it on themselves is a jerk move, even if something like anxiety or bad childhood memories underly it. I hope Husband is just a larger-than-life worrywart, and not someone who casts blame.

          Reply ↓
        2. Original LW*

          Not blame me personally. But he has a tendency of voicing “aw man, I KNEW we should’ve taken exit 12” upon seeing that exit 11 is overcrowded. In situations where I can tell that this kind of Monday morning quarterbacking will be particularly unhelpful, I do try to take his advice in advance if he feels much stronger about it than I do.

          Reply ↓
  19. Parenthesis Guy*

    In the first letter, “everybody” was pushing to spend a lot of money. In the second letter, it seems like there’s one person that’s trying to force everybody to spend a lot of money. It could just be that this one person has interesting ideas about how things should work and others just go along with it because it’s easier.

    If it’s one person with weird choices, then it’ll be much easier to get her to stop rather than if it’s the entire office. In any event, you shouldn’t feel like you need to contribute $80.

    Reply ↓
    2. Ellis Bell*

      My read is that it’s one main person who likes to spend other people’s money, a lot of enablers who don’t want to go against her because they earn a lot, and don’t really care, and OP.

      Reply ↓
  20. KB*

    This is a math problem!
    $400 / total consumers = cost for Bob
    Cost for Bob / people who are willing to treat Bob = amount you treat
    Amount you treat + amount you consumed = consumers share
    _____or, put another way_______
    Amount you agreed to prior to event = $0
    Amount you owe = $0

    Reply ↓
  21. Luna (the other one)*

    Am I a suspicious bastard because this part:

    “Seriously, how many $6 cocktails and $7 flatbreads could six humans possibly have ordered in 120 minutes??”

    made me wonder if Organizing Lady is y’all out of money by making up a total amount that is actually way over the actual bill.

    Reply ↓
    1. Strive to Excel*

      If any of those cocktails were actually $6 I’d eat my left shoe without salt. I haven’t seen a $6 cocktail outside of the local dive bar for years, and that’s for the world’s most basic well-whiskey and soda combo. I’d bet it was more like $25 cocktails and $12 flatbreads.

      Reply ↓
      2. Wayward Sun*

        Where I live even the cheap places charge $12 for mixed drinks. For $6 you might get an American beer, if it’s Happy Hour.

        Reply ↓
    2. Landry*

      I did some math and even if each of the six people had three cocktails and three flatbreads each, the total comes to $234. You’re still at less than $300 even with a very generous tip. Even if you had some voracious drinkers and eaters in the group, I don’t see where another $100+ comes from.

      Reply ↓
      1. Original LW*

        Breaking news: at a recent staff meeting, I learned that some agency bigwigs from other departments (Bob’s peers) “stopped by” the shindig. I’m wondering if they weren’t encouraged–probably by the lady who fronted the bill and retroactively demanded reimbursement from a select few– to order something at the group’s expense.

        Reply ↓
        1. AnonFed*

          I’m comparing this with my agency where my boss will take any appetizer she took any of onto her bill at group lunches to avoid ethics concerns. I’ve only worked at two agencies, but the way your office behaves with money is way out of alignment with either of my workplaces. When I was a supervisor I was always trained to err heavily on the side of caution.

          Reply ↓
        2. Enai*

          Okay, that’s it, here’s my extremely unwise advice: next time Ms. Spendthrift wants more money from you than you agreed bite her. Right on the nose. What a @#€&*”.

          Reply ↓
    3. Bee*

      To be honest I just don’t believe those prices, lol. $6 was about what you’d expect to pay for a happy hour well cocktail in a major city 10 years ago – you can’t get a domestic beer for $6 anymore. I wouldn’t be surprised if the drinks were actually $10+ each (even $18+ each since these aren’t people who care about ordering cheaply) and the flatbreads $15+. It’s pretty easy to rack up a $50/person bill at a bar these days.

      Reply ↓
      1. Original LW*

        I saw the menu before I left. The weekday happy hour special indeed included house wine by-the-glass and martini-sized cocktails in the $6-8 range. I can’t quite recall the food prices, but from what I saw on the table it was like chips/salsa, spinach dip, and other bar food that I’ve seen under $10 at other happy hour spots.

        Reply ↓
        1. Bee*

          Wow! It’s almost worth it for me to take the train to DC at those prices, hah. I haven’t seen anything even close to that in a very long time. Still, with the kind of person who is going to pre-order a bunch of appetizers before even finding out what people feel like eating, I would go with “did not order from the happy hour menu” over “is probably lying about the total to scam her coworkers.”

          Reply ↓
        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Often prices jump significantly if you are buying off the regular menu. And they jump again if you stay after the end of happy hour.

          Reply ↓
    4. Original LW*

      Idk if she’s flat-out lying about the total, but she’s definitely padding the bills through her own excessive ordering. Further reflection showed me that she’s always the first one to recommend ordering a bottle or app “for the table,” and is always the first one to suggest “let’s just split it.” She also seems to have a system for who she includes and excludes from needing to chip in.

      Reply ↓
      1. T.N.H*

        It sounds like she’s the problem then. Can you go back to Alison’s advice and address this with her or your manager? Assuming you both still work here in a few weeks!

        Reply ↓
          1. Hlao-roo*

            Oh no! I’m sorry to hear that.

            On a more general note, thank you for the update, and I hope things work out for you (and the other feds on the chopping block)!

            Reply ↓
      2. Bird names*

        “She also seems to have a system for who she includes and excludes from needing to chip in.”
        Don’t know what to say, mostly admiring how brazen she is.

        Reply ↓
    5. Really?*

      Personally, I figured that she’s probably trying to run up her cashback or Amex points score. I also find it odd that she was so willing to cover for Jane at Christmas and yet now she seems to be looking for others to cover herself.
      Well, I wish OP well during what must be an incredibly difficult time. I’ve lived through several layoffs, and it’s always super stressful. Take care of yourself, OP. At this point, preparing to be cut and locked out of the system is a sensible precaution. I’m sure you’ve been smart enough to already have taken copies of all the evaluations, documentation & contact information that you might need in the future.
      Good luck!

      Reply ↓
  22. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

    It doesn’t change my assessment of the situation – this is bananapants! the co-worker is being super uncool! – but I am curious if the LW has ever been the beneficiary of the team “generosity.” I mean, it’s still a problem if everyone has received gift baskets or Door Dash or whatever. But if some people have received a lot more than others, that puts an extra layer of suckiness on top of it. Even if those people didn’t do anything wrong (e.g., needing surgery). The LW doesn’t mention ever benefitting from this arrangement, so I wouldn’t be surprised if things were unequal in addition to being super expensive.

    Reply ↓
  23. Higher Ed*

    When and friend and I go out, she often puts things on her credit card that earns her travel rewards. Because of this, it’s agreed I give her a little less cash than my share. If anything, this coworker should pay more since she’s presumably benefitting from using her card.

    Reply ↓
    1. The Rural Juror*

      I travel with my boss often and she feels she always needs to put down her credit card and “pay” since she’s senior. One evening I piped up and said, “Actually! I want the points!”

      (We expense everything, so it really doesn’t matter whose card is used unless that person can’t float the amount until the next payday. I always give folks who are junior to me the option for me to pay for everything so they don’t have to stress.)

      Reply ↓
  25. LL*

    I’m sure your husband is great in many ways, but I think his advice here sucked. You shouldn’t have paid anything and just ignored the request after she gave you that BS about it feeling unfair since you didn’t order anything. she knows it’s unfair, she just doesn’t want to have to deal with the consequences of her decisions (that she orders stuff that nobody else agreed to pay for and that they might not pay because they never agreed to that).

    Reply ↓
  26. also a fed*

    I think your colleague is just a missing stair. I’ve never had any admin who would do this, I think she’s just on a power trip.

    Reply ↓
    1. Original LW*

      The admin who suggested we throw a happy hour for Bob and the lady who arrived early to pad the bill are two different people.

      Reply ↓
      1. Parenthesis Guy*

        But it’s reasonable to throw a happy hour for a leaving colleague. It’s crazy for someone to show up early, pad the bill, and make someone who didn’t eat anything at the happy hour to pay for it. Only one of those two people is trying to shovel twenty pounds of crazy in a five pound bag.

        Reply ↓
  27. Ally with an Eye*

    What is additionally out of touch is that she placed the order before anyone else had arrived, assuming everyone would want to pitch in 20% to “host.” Did I interpret properly that she ordered a ‘bottle of her favorite spirit’ without consulting others? Bottle service (liquor) will dramatically increase the bill even more than say a bottle of wine, and unless you know your crowd it’s much less likely to appeal to everyone. SMH…

    Reply ↓
  29. Original LW*

    Bob, the laid-off coworker was the head of our department. Same guy who received the grotesquely expensive popcorn basket in the last letter. He was never hurting for money in the first place (i.e. could have very well paid his own share of the bill) plus he immediately landed a very cushy private sector job in the adjacent field to our agency.

    The colleague who arrived first and ordered the spread before anyone could object is “acting” in Bob’s former role.

    I had every intention of putting my foot down this time (using the same scripts you all suggested at my last entry), and only softened at my husband’s recommendation. I disagreed with his advice but I went with it because he seemed to feel very strongly about it–in a way that he usually doesn’t with the mundane work matters I vent about. He’s understandably very worried about me losing my job and I wanted to show him that I’m not being reckless about possibly ending up on the chopping block.

    Reply ↓
    1. HalesBopp*

      I’m sorry that you’re in this position, LW. It seems like moving forward even making a cursory appearance isn’t going to work with this group. Unless it is a person you feel particularly close to and you have a desire to attend: “Sorry, I’m not going to be able to make it – I have to pick up my dog from the airport/attend my “building your own wagon” class/meet with my psychic.”

      Do you have a reasonable leader above you? Someone you could highlight this recent situation to? If the Big Spender you mentioned above is assuming a leadership role, it’s incredibly gauche to rack up a big bill and then expect individuals under you in the chain to help pay that tab.

      Reply ↓
      1. Original LW*

        Thanks. Yes, I’ve decided exactly that. No more outings or group events of any kind with these folks. The reason I continued to participate occasionally up to this point was that I didn’t like the reputation I was gaining for being cheap/stingy/broke (even though I’m none of the above) and how I thought it was impacting my work relationships. Now that a quarter of my team have already received their walking papers and our department is being abolished, I care not one iota about maintaining these particular relationships. My focus is on preserving my income.

        Reply ↓
        1. TQB*

          I feel so icky at the fact that you’re being pushed to treat these people, and yet clearly they’re all happy to F off back to their cushy private sector jobs and leave you hanging. Let’s be honest: the point of improving/maintaining professional relationships is to advance your opportunities. These people apparently want you to pay for their drinks but are not holding up their end of the bargain.

          Reply ↓
    2. Ellis Bell*

      I hope you at least feel you’re highlighting this stuff here for others. It’s massively unfair that you and your husband are being put under financial pressure at such a time. Just because a colleague wanted to impress the bigwigs she’d asked to stop by at other people’s expense.

      Reply ↓
    3. Ally McBeal*

      I think your husband let his anxiety color his advice way too much. If he’s worried you’ll be laid off, the last thing you need to do is spend money needlessly. If not splitting the bill could make your new acting department head so furious that she’s willing to put your name on the RIF list (if she has that authority), then she’s so unreasonable that working for her wouldn’t be sustainable. And these DOGE RIFs are so arbitrary and stupid that it’s like Russian Roulette anyway – will she even be around long enough to put your name on the RIF list? Will you be randomly selected even if you’re not on the RIF list? No one knows!

      Reply ↓
    4. Indolent Libertine*

      You work with at least one giant clod, and a bunch of others who are at best clueless. I’m really sorry you have to deal with them at all, but especially now.

      Reply ↓
  31. LoV...*

    An easy solution would be to skip events like this going forward. Without knowing the general vibe of your workplace, I’d say to just stop showing up to these things. And maybe don’t tell people you’re not showing up, just don’t show up and have an excuse ready if someone asks you.

    Reply ↓
  32. YoungTen*

    Your coworker is out of touch with being a basic decent human. No need to be a “team player”, that’s not the team you want to be on.

    Reply ↓
  33. Dawn*

    I can’t say what I want to say about your colleague here, but suffice to say I would not have been nearly as polite as you were, and she would definitely have come away from that confrontation….. strongly admonished.

    Reply ↓
  35. Pomodoro Sauce*

    OH my goodness, thank you for the update! I wish it were better. I’m sorry about your entitled coworkers!

    Reply ↓
  36. Cobol*

    In general I’m a fan of direct language, but get that not everybody is. It sounds like LW attempted to use soft language to begin with, which is definitely a valid approach, but ……. It just didn’t take. There’s no indication that their colleagues are aware that LW can’t afford it. At some point if you want people to know you have to tell them.

    Reply ↓
    1. Original LW*

      Yes, I do struggle with workplace boundary-setting in general. However, in this case, it wasn’t so much that I couldn’t afford it (as with the Michelin star going-away lunch from my last letter). It was the obvious unfairness of being asked to help foot a bill that I neither helped create nor agreed to cover. Also in this case, it’s one individual–as opposed to the general culture of my workplace–that’s at the center of it. I still have no intentional of discussing my spending power with my colleagues. But I will arrange it so that it doesn’t come up again. I’m skipping 100% of everything from now on.

      Reply ↓
  37. phira*

    LW, I know you’re afraid of your job being on the chopping block, but I think you need to just stop paying for anything. Just politely refuse, say of course you can’t chip in right now since the economy is so rough and you don’t have the budget for it. Because honestly, with the way things are going with the federal government right now, you might end up losing your job anyway, no matter how much of a team player you are, and no matter how much money you spend on your coworkers.

    Reply ↓
  38. Elizabeth West*

    I’m sorry that you felt you had to pay anything at all. Y’all are about to lose your jobs and she’s still on the grift.

    That’s what it is, a grift. She should go to work for Elmo, seriously. >:(

    Reply ↓
  39. Adam*

    You should have paid nothing and told them their mentality is why they are soon to get axed anyway. Frivolous spending when facing financial uncertainty spells out just how dimwitted they really are. I’d have responded letting them know they are entitled to nothing and to keep me off their event calendar.

    Reply ↓
    1. Dawn*

      Even I would balk at taking that sort of attitude toward their impending job loss, and I’m not a very nice person by and large.

      Reply ↓
  42. DJ*

    That’s just awful especially as you mentioned a conflict clash and was pressured to come anyhow. Then they ignored you pointing out you had ro leave early and would pay for your own meal. Then to say you have to put in for an expensive meal you weren’t there for.
    You are right to not participate in any more social events.
    Sorry you may be DOGED! And hoping a new and better job and workplace comes up for you soon!

    Reply ↓
  43. Raida*

    It sounds like you just have shitty workmates – sorry.

    There is, as I see it, two ways to handle it:

    1) Pedantic Fusspot. Invite comes in – “Okay so what is the plan for paying for this? It isn’t listed in the invite.” And do it every single time. And when someone says “oh we can just split it!” you say “That was not the intent under which I have attended and I will not be doing so.”

    2) Budget Sally. Invite comes in – “I have looked up the menu, and allocated $x from my eating out budget. I will pay separately to ensure my household’s finances stay on track.” And do it every single time. And when someone says “oh we can just split it!” you say “I am paying for my [drink] and [food] only, as always. If Jo is paying the full bill on their card then I will transfer them $xx now.”

    Both are not *fun* people. Both are argumentative and stubborn. But your options are snide remarks… or being made fun of for being a brick wall when it comes to money.
    Personally, I’d rather hear a comment and be able to look them right in the eye and smile and say “Yes, that is exactly right! It’s so good to know that everyone understands my approach so clearly.”

    Reply ↓
  44. JM60*

    I wonder if that coworker was really being honest about the bill being $400, or if they’re inflating that number a bit to make some money.

    Reply ↓
    1. Not your typical admin*

      This. It seems like every person I know who does things like this somehow always comes out ahead.

      Reply ↓
  45. Summer*

    I’m sure that coworker who feels extremely entitled to OP’s money will fit in just fine with the new administration and probably loves the fascist and his puppet master owner. Wow does she suck. I am outraged on OP’s behalf and I don’t even know these people.

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