can I suggest that my employee rethink her career, pimple patches at work, and more

by Alison Green on April 4, 2025

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Can I suggest that my employee rethink her career path?

One of my direct reports, “Mindy,” has worked for my organization since college; she’s now 31. I joined the staff three years ago and enjoy her a lot as a person: she’s smart, has a wonderful attitude, is very diligent and organized, and brings her best to every project. The problem is that I don’t think she’s on the right career path.

Right now Mindy does communications work. but the issue is that she’s not a very good writer, which is a fundamental skill for the job. We do a lot of writing and it has to be done well, and her pieces require lots of rewriting. After nearly a decade of writing projects, LOTS of coaching from me and her previous manager, plus related degrees, her work still needs endless rounds of revisions and is just overall not good enough.

She wants so badly to do a good job and have a thriving career in this field, though! She has so much potential and I want her to succeed as a professional … but she flat-out doesn’t have some key fundamental skills needed.

However, I think she’d be great at marketing. She’s very good at analyzing and planning, and marketing jobs don’t require the same need to constantly produce really high-level written pieces. I’ve worked in marketing in the past and her strengths would be huge assets for that type of work, and it’s a career that wouldn’t involve the skills that she hasn’t been able to develop. It’s not a job that exists at my organization, though.

We have a good relationship and talk regularly in our check-ins about career growth. Is there a way I can diplomatically tell her that while I don’t think she’s suited for a career based around writing, I think she’d make an excellent marketer? I want to navigate this carefully with her so that she feels supported and respected, even if it means essentially telling her she should consider eventually finding a new job elsewhere.

Bonus related question: I’m at the point where I’m going to outsource a large annual project Mindy is usually very involved with. The quality of her work is poor enough that it will be faster, much less stressful, and will turn out much better if we hire a consultant to do it. Is there a respectful way I can explain that she’s not going to be working on that project anymore because of the quality of her work? Should I even tell her that? I know I wouldn’t be doing her any favors by hiding the reason for hiring the consultant, and I’ve been consistent in addressing her work quality, but I have no idea how to approach that conversation.

Yes, please tell her! In fact, you could use the outsourcing of the annual project as an opening into that conversation — first “here’s what I’m doing and why, and here’s what the issues were when you worked on this in the past” and then “I’ve been reflecting on where you’ve been struggling, and I want to be honest with you that while I know that you’ve been working extremely hard — and frankly you’re a pleasure to work with — I haven’t seen the level of writing that we need for this role. I see your strengths as more ABC, which I think would make you fantastic at projects like XYZ.”

I do think there’s another question here, which is whether you’re going to be able to keep her on at all if she’s not able to work at the level that you need. Ideally, of course, you’d have this conversation, she’d reflect and come to agree, and she’d move in that direction on her own. But if she doesn’t, you’ll need to figure out whether the issues rise to the level of something that jeopardize her current job or not. (Based just on your short letter, it sounds like they may. If that’s the case, since it sounds like you have an excellent and supportive rapport with Mindy, I’d try to do it through a series of candid and supportive conversations that end in a mutual agreement that she will move on — but I’d also be thinking about how you’ll handle it if that mutual agreement doesn’t occur.)

2. Hickies revealed in the locker room

This is more of a philosophical question than anything else. Is it okay to have visible hickies at work if they are normally covered by clothes and only seen when taking off your shirt in the locker room? Technically my coworkers might see that I have a sex life, although locker room etiquette is of course that everyone becomes invisible until their clothes go back on. Still: is this something to avoid?

No one in a locker room should be paying any attention to the parts of your body that are revealed while you’re changing clothes.

That said, there’s a difference between “should” and “will.” If part of your body is covered in what look very much like sex-related bruises … well, assume people may have thoughts about that, so proceed accordingly. They certainly shouldn’t say anything to you about it, but is that info you want your coworkers to have in their heads about you? If it’s a single small bruise, it’s almost certainly a non-issue, but I can imagine things that would be significantly more revealing than that. (For example, if your ass bears evidence that you’re into spanking, it’s better for everyone if you use a non-work gym that week.)

Related:
is it unprofessional to have hickeys at work?

3. Wearing pimple patches at work

I want to get your take on wearing pimple patches at work. I have a new employee who is Gen Z who wears pimple patches on her face, sometimes multiples of them, at a time. Our workplace is corporate with a semi-strict dress code, but it often goes fairly ignored. For example: the dress code says no leggings, but people often wear them, including my boss. Also, the dress code says no sneakers but people often wear stylish sneakers.

I wear pimple patches all the time, but wouldn’t wear them myself at work. We frequently conduct meetings via Zoom, and I feel like this comes across as unprofessional, but I could be off in terms of whether this is acceptable to another generation or other cultures.

It really depends on the office, but the culture has definitely moved toward seeing pimple patches the same way as bandages (i.e., fine to wear at work).

Particularly if they’re clear or flesh-colored, I’d mentally categorize them as bandages and ignore. If they’re brightly colored, it gets more into questions about your particular office culture (and if you’re unsure how it’s playing there, I might ask someone senior to you whose judgment you respect if it feels out of sync in your particular office).

4. My boss keeps using WhatsApp, Signal, and texts to contact me

I have a new boss (about two months) who pretty much never replies to emails. She’ll WhatsApp/Signal chat me instead. This is definitely not the culture, and I personally find it really annoying as I usually only use these apps for personal reasons or if there’s an urgent issue. She’ll also text me after hours / on weekends for not time-sensitive stuff. Sometimes it is actually urgent so I can’t mute her and check on my own schedule. Having to monitor three channels of communications with her is exhausting, especially as someone who’s trying to keep better work/life boundaries, and logistically annoying because if I’m trying to refer back to something, it’s not as easy as just searching one platform for the conversation. That said, she’s not aggressive or scary like some other bosses who text at all hours.

Is there a way I can ask her to stick to email unless it’s time (or otherwise) sensitive, or as the lower in the hierarchy do I have to just accept her way as a new annoyance of my job? I am pretty senior in my organization but she is clearly above me in the hierarchy There are other issues with her management style which I don’t find to be the most strategic, but not to the level of my considering quitting over.

Yes, you can say something! I’d frame it this way: “I don’t really use WhatsApp or Signal so I’ve been missing messages when you contact me there. Could we stick with email so I can be sure I see everything you send me?”

And the next time she texts you after-hours, wait a while before responding (to reinforce that it’s not work time) and then say, “I’m going to move this to email so it’s with our work messages; I’m trying to keep work stuff off my phone. I’ll email about this shortly!” Do that enough and it might retrain her.

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{ 322 comments }

{ 322 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Cmdrshprd*

    OP2 It’s interesting I read that letter and mention of locker room as the locker room being a part of the necessary work day that people have to use, not as a optional gym locker room.

    Like lifeguards that have to get changed in the locker room, before their shift, or some other kind of work that might require changing in a locker room into protective equipment.

    In that it would be hard to skip the locker room altogether.

    One option though it might seem a little out of the ordinary/extra would be to change in a bathroom stall or a shower stall if available.

    Or trying to wear clothes under that don’t have to be taken off that could allow for street clothes to be taken off and work clothes/protective equipment to be put on.

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    1. AnonymousOctopus*

      If no stall is available, a well-placed towel can provide sufficient cover and not look weird. I still to this day wrap a towel around my armpits or waist to remove my underwear and slip on whatever bottom covering is comfortable. If the back is the concern, placing one’s backs to a wall/locker bay (but not a mirror) while putting on a shirt wouldn’t look that out of place. Even if that means exposing one’s breasts for 2.5 seconds, it will be less noticeable than a back full of marks.

      Just keep your eyes averted and you’ll be fine for the most part.

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    2. AnonAnonSir!*

      To be honest, I think unless we’re talking about huge dangerous looking bruises, this is slight overkill. If OP regularly has to use a changing room then I think just brazening it out is the thing to do – any reasonable adult will know that if you look closely at a person while in the changing rooms you might see evidence of particular proclivities, so you don’t do that when it’s your colleagues.

      I can’t imagine anyone making a big deal of seeing a simple hickey at work (based outside the US, if that’s relevant); but if people make comments that’s *them* being creepy, it’s not on you.

      Reply ↓
      1. Smithy*

        I also wonder if this is a case of “when you’re a hammer, everything looks like a nail”.

        In general bruises/markings on the neck are associated with being hickeys – but if the OP is wearing turtlenecks to work regularly to cover them, then a little discretion might be helpful in the locker room. But if we’re talking about bruises nearly anywhere else on the body….I do think the assumptions people will bring fall into two categories. 1) that it’s a bruise that could be ascribed to anything and 2) if these are bruises closer to “private” areas (esp. chest/nipples), most people will take their personal discretion that they likely shouldn’t be looking.

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    3. Do Not Perceive Me*

      ‘alo this is OP 2! You’re exactly right: the locker room in question is the gowning area for the clean room so there’s truly no other option. I’m also back there two or three times a day so this is not an avoidable problem.

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      1. Bella Ridley*

        Considering the locker room in question is part of your regular work routine, I wouldn’t sweat it at all. Anyone who has to use a locker room for work (i.e., not an optional gym that your swanky company has available) is almost certainly accustomed to seeing their coworkers in various stages of undress and won’t care. Usually when people strive to be more and more discreet they end up making it more and more weird. It draws more attention to gather up all your stuff and scramble to change in a toilet stall, or to do a flannel dance with towels and shifting and dressing inside your gym bag, than it is to just change normally. 99% of people don’t care.

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        1. Miette*

          Excellent points. I would add that BECAUSE of the nature of this locker room and the regularity of having to see co-workers in various stages of undress, your they would be even more likely not to care, since they would surely not appreciate the same kind of looks/judgment/whatever pointed at them in turn.

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      2. Funko Pops Day*

        Based on past letters, another option is to take up a bruise-intensive hobby that you can talk about with your coworkers (roller derby in the old letter, but I believe commenters also talked about things like rock climbing) ;-)

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        1. Do Not Perceive Me*

          I bruise like a peach and work with large machinery so I actually get most of my color on the job. But I have been meaning to get more exercise so maybe I have a future in Derby…

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          1. Funko Pops Day*

            Honestly, if you regularly have other bruises I feel like someone who can distinguish those from sex-related bruising would have to be strongly violating the “don’t look at your coworkers in their undies when you pass through the locker rooms” norms that I think a job like that has to have as an implicit rule

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        1. Do Not Perceive Me*

          That is exactly what I’ve been and plan on continuing to do, but it’s good to know that I’m not violating some secret work rule and scandalizing my impressionable coworkers. Somehow. Office culture is weird and I’m still learning it…

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          1. JustaTech*

            If you’re going into or coming out of a clean room (I do it occasionally) I imagine most of your coworkers are either making sure everything is *just right* before they go in, or getting out of that stuff and back into their own clothes quick as quick.

            The easiest way to tell if you’re going to actually have to try and hide it is: do your coworkers talk to each other in the locker room, and if so, do they face each other or talk into their locker. As long as people aren’t going out of their way for eye contact, it’s not going to be an issue.

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      4. Cmdrshprd*

        First I agree with most commenters saying I don’t think you have to sweat and can just change.

        But if you would rather not worry about it I’d try to be more discreet, how much do you have to strip down? Can you wear an undershirt/tank top/compression shirt that can stay on after you take off you regular/street clothes? Or similar wearing bigger coverage compression/bike shorts as underwear or over regular underwear to hide bruises on the butt.

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      5. CleanroomAnon*

        I used to work in a clean room too and yeah, the unspoken rule that everyone is invisible until the clothes come back on is pretty iron clad. I don’t think a small hickey that’s briefly visible while you change into scrubs would be noticed or remarked upon, unless the company culture is *wildly* different from my experience

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      6. Annie*

        Even if I saw a hickey on someone, I wouldn’t think twice. People have different skin conditions that may look like bruising, or may be bruising for any number of reasons. A hickey probably wouldn’t be my first or second thought, and even if it did pop up in my brain, I wouldn’t think anything weird about the coworker or their sex life.

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    4. Higgs Bison*

      My stance is that if it’s something relatively small, common, and easy to accidentally do like a hickey on normally covered skin, just carry on with your business. If it’s something bigger that takes more deliberate action (say, spanking bruises, permanent marker writing, or the results of knife play), you have to manage the risk by limiting that to the beginning of long weekends for as long as you’re in that job. I say that as someone who used to work in cleanrooms, i.e. spaces where you have to move from one room to another in only your underwear while you’re changing in and out, so no covering with a towel or anything.

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    5. LingNerd*

      My employer is a manufacturer and the floor is a clean environment due to the nature of the product we make. There are locker rooms where people change into their work uniforms! So that’s the type of locker room I was imagining

      Reply ↓
  2. nnn*

    A thought about #3, with the caveat that this is entirely my intuitive reaction and not a basis for dress code policy:

    My first thought on reading “culture has definitely moved toward seeing pimple patches the same way as bandages” is that you would generally try to avoid wearing a bandage on your face to work or in public. This isn’t always possible, of course, but I feel like the threshold for walking around in public with a bandage on your finger or something is much lower than walking around in public with a bandage on your face – like if you cut yourself shaving or popped a zit, you’d consider “Can I manage this without a bandaid? Because it’s right on my face!”

    I’m not close enough to youth culture to perceive the move Alison mentions, but I’m wondering if it’s a move from “pimple patches must be hidden” to “pimple patches are like bandages”, or if it’s a move from “bandages on the face should be avoided” to “bandages on the face are no different from bandages anywhere else.”

    Reply ↓
    1. D*

      I’ve never known anyone to avoid wearing a bandage on their face because it was on their face. You need a bandaid, you need a bandaid.

      Reply ↓
      1. allathian*

        Yes, this has been the case for as long as I’ve been working, and I got my first job as a teen in the late 80s.

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      2. amoeba*

        Yup, this. I still wear bandages on my fingers much more frequently, but that’s not because they look different or I feel less self-conscious about them, it’s just because I have to move my fingers and touch things with them constantly, so it’s much more likely that a small cut or whatever actually needs covering! On the face, once it’s stopped bleeding, it’s usually fine because it doesn’t really get disturbed a lot.

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        1. The Mummy*

          I wear bandages on my hands a lot, and often get asked about them.
          I used to get frequent cold sores (they basically stopped since COVID, for some reason) in multiple spots on my lower face, and I always got a lot more questions whenever I covered them with a bandage rather than leave them open to the air.

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      3. The Body Is Round*

        Yeah, most of us rarely need bandaids on our faces.

        I think what’s changed is now that there is an unobtrusive non-drug fix for pimples, we use it rather than tolerating a gross painful leaky spot on the face all day.

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      4. Funko Pops Day*

        I think that if it’s an especially conservative environment, just as one would avoid using the brightly colored and patterned bandaids my kindergartner gets, it’s probably reasonable to try to choose a more subdued pimple patch?

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      6. Lisa*

        Yes, this. I work in a traditional/conservative-dress office, and nobody would blink at a neutral-colored bandage on the face. Wearing a Spongebob bandaid would be weird. Neutral vs colorful pimple patches seems the exact same to me.

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    2. secret cat*

      But what else should you do if you have a wound on your face? I think an uncovered, bleeding wound usually looks worse than a bandage.

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      1. KateM*

        With a bleeding wound you should be at a doctor, not at work, unless you just hurt yourself at work and this is a temporary solution.

        It seems to me that the usual reason to have a bandaid/bandage on a wound once it is not bleeding anymore is to keep the wound from being scratched open by your clothes and the like. On your face this is generally not a problem.

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        2. Emmy Noether*

          “Bleeding wound” sounds dramatic, but I wouldn’t go to a doctor for a small cut or a scratch, and those can bleed.

          I once developed a small bump (I think it was a hemangioma, but I don’t remember exactly) on my forehead that bled as soon as I touched it. It certainly looked more professional covered with a bandaid than having blood smeared all over my face each time I adjusted my glasses and bumped it. (I did end up getting it lasered by a dermatologist, because while it was benign, it was also really annoying).

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          1. Lydia*

            Yeah, we’re not talking about anything that needs stitches. If you have something that is bleeding, you put the bandage where the bleeding is. If someone is going to get weird about it, even if it’s on your face, it’s definitely their problem.

            Why wouldn’t people use bandages where they need them?!

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            1. Wendy Darling*

              I had a bleeding wound on my face because I had a mole removed, so it was a wound my doctor specifically put there! It only bled if I bumped it but I did need a bandage on it to keep me from bumping it.

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        3. metadata minion*

          It also helps prevent infection when it’s in that in-between stage of not actively bleeding anymore but not completely scabbed over. As someone who wears glasses and is also a bit of klutz, I have absolutely reopened minor wounds on my face just by adjusting my glasses or hair, scratching my nose, etc.

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          1. MusicWithRocksIn*

            Helps prevent infection is important, band aids help keep wounds clean. It can also help you keep ointment, like Neosporin on the wound, which will keep it moist, which helps it heal faster and prevent scaring.

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          2. StressedButOkay*

            This! Also, it prevents picking/poking at the site – I am notorious for going “oh hey, a thing” and messing with it, even unconsciously. If I hit a band aid, I immediately stop. Which is what I did when I had something on my face that I kept messing with, which made it bleed/not heal – so, I wore the band aid to work. No biggie.

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        4. Seeking Second Childhood*

          For what it’s worth I have a very hard time keeping my fingers from touching a scab– something about the tightness of that one spot draws my unconscious attention. so for me, a bandaid prevents a scar.

          Happily I’ve had few reasons to need one on my face or neck, but I share on behalf of others.

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        5. doreen*

          “With a bleeding wound you should be at a doctor” – maybe I got the bleeding wound at the doctor. I had a cyst removed from my face and had to keep it bandaged for about a week. Should I have stayed home for the whole week?

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        6. Laura*

          I had a bad fall and scraped the bottom of my chin open (think a bad skinned knee), pretty sure it was better to have a bandage covering it than making everyone look at the wound for the weeks it took to heal all the way. Also, head wounds/face wounds bleed more, I’ve definitely had a zit that popped (in the pre-pimple patch days) that kept seeping blood and I can’t imagine how my bosses would have felt if I left work for the day over that rather than just stick a band-aid on it.

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        7. Helen Waite*

          I had a mole removed several years ago. Dermatologist’s instructions were to keep it covered and change the bandage a couple times a day. The bandage was small, but hard to miss. Nobody said anything at work about it.

          I’d classify pimple patches as bandages and leave it at that.

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          1. Wendy Darling*

            When I had a mole removed from my face people did ask if my face was okay but I was just like, yep, got a mole removed, no big!

            I think they were just worried that I’d fallen and hurt my face, my coworkers are all sweeties (and I’m the kind of doofus who WOULD fall and hurt my face).

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        8. Spacewoman Spiff*

          This whole “no bandaids on faces” thing strikes me as very odd. You need a bandaid, you need a bandaid, and there are reasons to wear them other than keeping wounds clean. I’ve had several moles biopsied from my face, and to reduce scarring I have to keep them covered with vaseline and bandaids for 1-2 weeks…also to reduce the risk of poking my wound with my glasses. Anyway, I feel like I’m getting off track here, but this is one area where I really appreciate gen Z being more open about stuff like wearing pimple patches. It feels so awkward to walk around with a face bandaid because people notice and ask about it, but maybe if we’re all always walking around with stuff stuck on our faces, that won’t happen next time I need a biopsy!

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          1. LadyVet*

            For some reason, this thread is reminding me of an episode of “Wonder Years” in which Kevin had a huge pimple and tried to hide it with a bandage, only to get a ton of questions at school about it.

            I do think bandages on the face are more noticeable, and as much as we’d like to think anyone old enough to be working would be mature enough to mind their own business, much of this site’s content is proof that’s not true.

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        9. Names are Hard*

          My (adult) daughter has a horrible habit of picking at her skin when there is any type of bump and I’ll assure you that a small bandage looks incredibly better than the raw, red sometimes bleeding spot that she’s picked open. Plus the bandage keeps her from picking at it without realizing she’s doing it.

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        10. Sandwiches*

          A paper cut is also a bleeding wound, but I doubt you expect someone to rush to a doctor for that. Sometimes zits bleed or people nick themselves while shaving or their cat scratches their chin. None of these things rise to doctor-level bleeding, but they may need a band-aid/patch to cover them.

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        11. M*

          I mean, look, I agree there are people who – for reasons primarily of vanity – have a higher bar for wearing a bandage on their face than on another part of their body. But a) doctors aren’t magic healers, if you’ve got a scrape on your face that needs protection from infection and further agitation, all a doctor is going to tell you to do is… cover it.

          And b) from a wound-care perspective, that’s a bad decision! Open wounds heal cleaner, faster and with less scaring if appropriately bandaged.

          I’m in my mid-30s, and still prone to individual acne breakouts. I’ve got a pretty good skincare regimen that now keeps them to maybe one or two a week, but one in five or so of those will, very obviously from the start, be inclined to go *bad*. Before I had access to pimple patches, they’d basically just get worse and worse – and more and more unpleasant to look at – until they’d done enough damage that they bled and scabbed over, and then would start to heal. It regularly took weeks to clear them, and they left obvious healing skin for weeks after that. Now, I get a salicylic acid patch on them as soon as they pop up, and once they start draining, keep them covered with a basic patch until the skin is sufficiently healed not to need it. They generally clear within 48 hours, 4-5 days at most, and don’t leave scaring and damaged skin. It also, I guarantee you, looks a lot less unpleasant than a pus-seeping wound on my chin, particularly when I’m out-and-about and therefore changing the patch as often as needed to keep it looking neat.

          In other words – bad acne doesn’t need the agitation of clothing to tear open and look awful, and I guarantee you all a doctor will do (in the short term, at least, they may well also recommend pharmaceutical skincare to reduce the incidence rate) if you go to them about it is tell you to… put a hydrocolloid patch on it.

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      2. Lexi Vipond*

        Press on it until it stops bleeding, and leave it. It’s better for it anyway, and there’s not usually the same risk of reopening it that there is with a cut on your hand.

        Reply ↓
        1. LingNerd*

          It’s actually best to keep wounds moist and covered. Scabs form to help quickly prevent infection, which is the most immediate threat. But a wound will heal slightly faster if you keep it covered, and is less likely to scar.

          Plus there are other types of wounds than cuts/scrapes. I got a small burn on my face once because I was being impatient while cooking and did something stupid. That absolutely needed to be covered, and a bandage certainly looked better than the raw red skin underneath!

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      3. nnn*

        If it’s actively bleeding you’d cover it (hence the “threshold” wording), but if you cut yourself shaving in the morning you’d be more likely to stop the bleeding and then go about your day with a small, if possibly visible, red line on your face rather than a bandaid on your face.

        In contrast, if you got a papercut on your hand, you’d be more likely to put a bandaid on it right away and then continue your day without thinking about the aesthetics of the bandaid.

        There is, of course, a range of situations where you wouldn’t care about a bandaid on your face from cutting yourself shaving and a range of situations where you’d be motivated to manage without the bandaid on your hand for aesthetic reasons. But the range of situations is non-identical, and there are going to be more “Don’t want a bandaid on my face” situations.

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      4. Momma Bear*

        I have a couple of coworkers who have had skin treatments, including cancer surgery, on their face. They may come in with a bandage because they can work, but they need to keep the spot covered. I think if it becomes obtrusive LW can ask them to change to a neutral, but I’d otherwise ignore the patches. You also don’t know what else the person is dealing with re: their acne so I’d chalk it up to “healthcare” vs “professionalism.”

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    3. Sun*

      Really?! A visible wound on the face seems so much less professional to me in every possible scenario than a bandage on the face.

      This is where I fall on pimple patches too. Pimples are much more normalised (i.e. less distracting) than scratches on the face but pimple patches can be effective at modifying one as a focus point in my experience .

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      1. Rebecca*

        I think it depends on how frequently you are changing the pimple patch. A fresh pimple patch is barely noticeable and no big deal. By the end of the day, they can have absorbed a lot of moisture and it can look pretty gross. I know that it is not actually pus, but that’s what it looks like, and that can be distracting.

        I don’t tend to need to wear pimple patches during the day, but if I did, I’d be making sure to check and change it at least at lunch time.

        This is also true of bandages, but bandages are much less likely to allow seepage to show.

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        1. Massive Dynamic*

          Yes, this. Bandaids are one thing and should always be allowed, but a clear pimple patch turns white throughout the wear time because it’s actively drawing fluid out of the pimple. If I had to wear one at work, I’d put a small bandaid over it so the draining isn’t visible.

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          1. Lydia*

            Unless you do what I did this morning, without thinking, and try to put makeup on over it thereby leaving a weird makeup build up on the edge of the patch.

            I ended up taking it off when I got to work and covering it with concealer and powder, but that defeats the whole purpose of using it and now I’m annoyed with myself. :)

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        3. Coverage Associate*

          The changing of the clear patches v the colored patches is very interesting to me. I am old fashioned and probably wouldn’t wear either to work, but on weekends, I tend to prefer the colored patches (mine are actually sparkly) because they don’t show the absorption as much. But I did have a clerk ask me about them at the grocery store, which I don’t think he would have if I wore the clear patches or a regular bandage on my face, so there might be a maximum age that can get away with the colored patches, an age lower than mine.

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          1. Insert Clever Name Here*

            I don’t think there is a maximum age for it! I’m almost 40 and have seen only a handful of the colored ones in the wild, generally on folks that appear younger than me, but if I saw someone “older” wearing one I can’t imagine that my reaction would be different than my usual (internal) reaction of “oh cool, a pimple patch. maybe I’ll be brave enough to do that one day.” :)

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      2. Frosty*

        To be fair, I don’t get acne so I have zero experience with pimple patches, but I’ve only seen younger people (teenagers) wearing them, and its in bright colours, with star shapes or hearts etc.

        I find those very attention-drawing – not modifying a focus point but creating one.

        Maybe the workplace needs to have guidelines on the type of bandages worn on the face? Lean towards unobtrusive vs. “fun”.

        Reply ↓
        1. Sopranoh*

          Interesting, the only ones I’m familiar with are the translucent ones that I wouldn’t notice unless they’d been on a while and were a bit gross. I can see the answer changing if the patch were a noticeable design.

          Reply ↓
          1. Frosty*

            Maybe I don’t even notice the neutral ones! But I definitely notice when they are flashy. That’s not a bad thing in general, but could be considered unprofessional depending on the culture.

            Reply ↓
            1. sparkle emoji*

              I bet you have seen the neutral ones without realizing it. I have a coworker who uses clear ones often at work and I have to be within about 2 feet of her face to notice. Some brands have options that can be very subtle.

              Reply ↓
        2. Black horse*

          Interesting. The ones my kids wear are very discrete, either clear or the color of their skin (I honestly couldn’t tell you which).

          Reply ↓
        3. Cosmic Crisp*

          Most of the pimple patches I’ve seen are simply a translucent circle of material- as unobtrusive as a bandaid for sure.

          Reply ↓
    4. londonedit*

      I wouldn’t wear a pimple patch out in public because I’m in my 40s and it’s not really something people my age do, but I have friends with teenage kids and they really don’t have any problem at all with wearing pimple patches out and about. They’ll usually wear the ones that are star-shaped or heart-shaped or whatever, and they’ll be multi-coloured or black – the idea seems to be that you just own it and make them properly visible, you don’t even try to hide it by using ones that would match your skin tone. So I can totally see why someone in their early 20s would think it was completely normal – teenagers are wearing them to school, wearing them to go out and meet friends, all over the place. It’s not a big deal to them at all.

      I think it’s great, because when I was a teenager there was nothing more mortifying than having a spot on your face, which people would mock mercilessly. If teenagers these days can go around with pimple patches on their faces and not be teased about having spots, that’s brilliant! The question of whether it’s appropriate for work, though…I’m guessing that’s something that’s also changing as younger people join the workforce. Personally I think as long as you’re not customer-facing or going to a big important meeting or whatever, I wouldn’t see a problem with it. It’s one of those things that might look odd to us older people, but it’s so normal among the youngsters that they’d think it was strange if they were banned from wearing them at work.

      Reply ↓
      1. Lydia*

        I’m 50 and dealing with perimenopausal acne and I love pimple patches. I don’t use the cute colorful ones, just the clear unobtrusive kind, and I have been known to wear them in public. Mostly because if my pimple is an open sore on my face during the day, I’m going to slap one on. They are great! And the more common they become, the more normalized they are.

        Reply ↓
        1. A Poster Has No Name*

          Yeah, 40s and same. I don’t get pimples terribly often these days, thankfully, but a non-colorful patch is way less obvious than the pimple, especially under a little foundation.

          And it avoids the thing popping and oozing for hours, which is really the prime benefit.

          Reply ↓
      2. CatWoman*

        Over 60 here, and stress is breaking me out like never before. (sad, but true.)
        Pimple patches are a life saver. I use the translucent ones and give a quick check any time I use the restroom to see if it needs to be changed. Covering a zit with make up is counter-productive – I want that ugly painful thing gone, not more clogged up. Translucent patches actually make it less noticeable since they take away the shine as well as the pain and lessen the chance of my touching it inadvertently.
        And I once walked around with a full band aid right above my upper lip since it was less shocking to look at than the 7 black stitches underneath…pretty gross. We all have skin, folks, and some people break out.

        Reply ↓
    5. Everything Bagel*

      Pimple patches aside, I can’t believe we’re having a debate over whether an adult should wear a Band-Aid on a cut on their face that may bleed throughout the day. Yes, wear your Band-Aids, people. If you cut yourself, you may end up with blood on your clothes later in the day or you may end up with an infection because you didn’t cover your wound. I for one would not judge someone for having a Band-Aid on their face, I’d assume they cut themselves and the Band-Aid is temporary.

      Reply ↓
      1. Rogue Slime Mold*

        Having had outpatient surgery to remove skin cancer on my forehead: Yup, sometimes you need to wear a bandage on your face.

        Reply ↓
      2. Pie Fight*

        Yes, all of this! A few years ago I had a spot of skin cancer removed from my chin. I had to keep the area covered with a Band-Aid for several weeks after the procedure. (Let me tell you how hard it is to keep a bandage on your chin, with all the talking and chewing!) I had precisely one person, a co-worker, ask me about it, which he did privately on Slack and not during a meeting or anything. It was a question of “Are you all right?” and I didn’t take it as him prying.

        I did switch between plain Band-Aids and the fun Mandalorian ones I found, just to mix it up a little.

        And during those few weeks I met a friend for dinner and she showed up with a Band-Aid on her nose. It turned out she had had the same procedure, from the same doctor. We laughed a lot that night and shared Band-Aid stories.

        Reply ↓
      3. Chick-n-boots*

        Completely agree! Why do we get so weird about things that are a perfectly normal part of the human experience? If I have a wound (be it pimple or cut or post surgical or whatever!) on my face, I have it. It’s there. Be it a bandaid or a pimple patch, treating it is the right thing to do. There should be no consideration about the level of professionalism the bandaid brings to the table – it’s a wound and it’s getting treated accordingly. That’s it. That’s the only thing that needs to be considered.

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    6. sb51*

      I also picked up that from culture growing up (though I’m not sure anyone ever said it out loud). It wasn’t a good thing–caking makeup over a zit is a great way to have five zits by the end of the day–but it absolutely was a thing, at least in some places/subcultures.

      Reply ↓
    7. Not A Manager*

      “You would generally try to avoid wearing a bandage on your face to work or in public.”

      I literally don’t understand this. We’re not children who enjoy wearing branded bandages like removable tattoos. Either you need a bandaid or you don’t need a bandaid. If you need one, then you should be wearing one.

      Reply ↓
      2. metadata minion*

        I mean, I *do* deliberately buy funny branded bandaids, but I don’t put them on my face or anywhere else really obvious ;-)

        Reply ↓
    8. Good Lord Ratty*

      No, I don’t think it’s reasonable to say that people should avoid wearing a bandage in public if the bandage happens to be on their face. I do think the bandage/pimple patch should be clear or flesh-coloured rather than a purple star or neon green sparkly heart. But it’s totally ridiculous to say that wearing a small, neutral bandage/pimple patch on one’s face is unprofessional. God forbid one has a body, in public!

      Reply ↓
    9. Resentful Oreos*

      I’m on team “Wear a bandage on your face if you need it.” I don’t think grown adults should wear kiddie bandages like Dora the Explorer or SpongeBob or Barbie at work. But depending on your workplace – if it’s casual or creative rather than buttoned-down – even a glittery star or heart is fine.
      Stuff happens, people get pimples or sores or surgery, and honestly, a bandage is much MUCH more sanitary than an open wound! You’re fine as long as you don’t try to be “whimsical” and wear little hearts or ducklings or Hello Kitty.

      Reply ↓
      1. MigraineMonth*

        I’d say whether Dora the Explorer, Barbie and Hello Kitty-branded bandages or pimple patches are workplace-appropriate depend on your workplace/how conservative your industry is, actually. I’ve worked at several places where that would fall under “quirky but not in a bad way”, and if you wore a Star Wars one people would ask where you bought it.

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    10. DrFrog*

      This is ridiculous. If you need a bandage, you need a bandage. It would not occur to me that I would need to leave something on my face oozing because I should have a different standard for face bandages than finger bandages.

      Reply ↓
    11. Jax*

      I use them but would be disgusted to see them on anyone in public — I certainly haven’t — and would find it especially unprofessional in an office. You can see the pus, that’s what these things are pulling to the surface! I mean to me it’s as professional as snot hanging from your nose.

      Reply ↓
  3. Mark*

    #1 I would also reflect on the amount of time, actual and emotional it takes to keep Mindys work at an acceptable level. If you had a competent writer whose work only required minor revisions and tweaks how much of your time would be freed up to do higher level work that your manager may require. You also have spent a lot of time working with Mindy to improve and you are not seeing the benefits of this investment of your time and have probably done a lot of soul searching to determine how you can be a better manager and support her to improve.

    You now should consider carefully your next moves. Outsourcing her work is a great solution and you should be very candid with her. I have outsourced big report because over the last few years when you did this the work was of a poor and unacceptable quality and required extensive revisions and inputs from me. I have seen no tangible improvements despite our many 1:1 on what needs to improve and how you can do this. This is a cost to our department when we should have the talent in-house to complete ourselves.

    Plus I would call it out very clearly on her objectives and development plans. Produce work of an acceptable quality that only require minor tweaks and revisions. Or reduce significantly the level of rewrites required in routine documentation.

    I sympathise as I have a lovely staff member with similar issues in a different field. I feel they may be suited to a fast paced solve the problem now and move on environment rather than the reflective, nuanced, research driven environment that we work in. I too have failed to bring improvements and have made the decision not to involve them in leading major projects going forward.

    Reply ↓
    1. DJ Abbott*

      Hi Mark,
      Can you tell me what the reflective, nuanced, research driven environment you work in is? I think I might be better suited for something like that than my current job. Dealing with the family drama among our clients, the constant vigilance of fraud, and the fast pace is too tiring.
      Thank you!

      Reply ↓
    2. MsM*

      Ouch. That may all be true, but if I were Mindy, I’d be devastated at hearing it laid out in that blunt a fashion, to the point that I think I’d basically shut down and not really absorb any actionable bits of feedback.

      So yeah, be honest that the report’s being outsourced because she hasn’t demonstrated that she can produce a first draft that will be at the level it needs to be – but acknowledge that’s also probably a disappointment for her, not just “how dare you cost us money.” Then pivot to laying out her strengths and weaknesses versus what’s actually required for the role and needed on the team, and let her know it may be time to start thinking about if there’s something else that would be a better fit.

      Reply ↓
    3. Troutwaxer*

      Two issues here for the OP.

      I’d ask, in terms of improving, whether she’s a reader? I think the ability to write basic prose well is strongly connected to whether someone reads a lot. (Garbage in, garbage out, right?) The key to her improvement might be that she learns to enjoy reading.

      That said, I think rather than critique her, talk in terms of career development. Explain that there are no good paths to promotion for her at your firm, and that she has a lot of the necessary skills to succeed in marketing, and explain that marketing pays a lot more than writing. Tell her you’d be happy to write her a letter of recommendation for THOSE SKILLS and offer her some help with her resume.

      Reply ↓
      1. Coverage Associate*

        I’m a reader who also has lots of professional writing obligations, and today, I think that the manager would have to clarify what types of things to read. A lot of Buzzfeed probably isn’t going to do it, but anything with a print version might, depending on the type of writing at the workplace.

        I don’t know if this is helpful, but right now, I have a news article that is well written bookmarked. It has nothing to do with my work, but I have bookmarked it as an example of the kind of good writing I am actually not supposed to be doing. It’s a news article, and my boss wants more analysis and recommendations in my work product.

        Work does provide me with examples of good writing of the kind I am supposed to be doing, but I bookmarked this for the contrast.

        Reply ↓
  4. raincoaster*

    Mindy might be more open to marketing if you show her how the salaries and benefits compare to writing professionally. Because it’s truly jaw-dropping.

    Reply ↓
    1. JSPA*

      Good point! And if she’s not fully aware of your background in marketing, let her know that you did fairly well there, even without the essential skills that she has so abundantly, and you think she could be a top performer. And let her know you’re trying to launch her, not ditch her; you’d love to see her apply for jobs that play to her skills, will be an enthusiastic and well-informed reference.

      Additionally, I think you need to say that having to take the big project away from her was clarifying for you. It lets you add that it can be hard to apply elsewhere if people want a current reference, and she doesn’t want to tell you she’s looking, because you might take projects away; but the mismatch in skills is already taking projects away, so you’d like to see her put some effort into applying where her skills are a better match.

      Reply ↓
      1. MigraineMonth*

        LW, the kindest thing you can do now is make it clear that the current job is not going to work out, and then put your effort into helping her find a job that fits her skills better. Yes, make it clear that you’ll be an enthusiastic reference about her non-writing skills. Offer to review her resume. Do you have any contacts left in marketing who you could connect her with?

        I was a bad fit at my last job, and it was such a struggle every single day. I’m grateful that my manager made it clear that my skills weren’t a good match. It was a genuine relief to leave that job and find another where I could thrive.

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      1. raincoaster*

        It’s possible that my experience is atypical, but among my writing-focused peers, the ones who rent are in communications. The ones who own houses are in marketing. The ones who are in social housing are journalists.

        Reply ↓
        1. T.N.H*

          This is just too broad a statement. I have friends who work in marketing for non-profits or small businesses and make next to nothing. But a person in marketing OR communications working for an agency would command a high salary.

          Reply ↓
      2. ThatGirl*

        Correct, if you’re in house there won’t be a huge difference. Though I would argue that it depends on your role in marketing; I am a writer on a marketing team and we do, in fact, need very strong writing skills.

        Reply ↓
      3. Pay no attention...*

        I’m not sure of how big the salary difference is, but at my org, the comms person reports to the marketing person so they’re on par only as far as being in the same department — MarCom.

        Reply ↓
  5. Punk*

    Marketing is a super competitive field, and that’s if you have a degree and a prestigious internship. I’ve actually steered people away from it because these days everyone wants to be “in marketing.” Besides, OP possibly left it for better opportunities at her current job, so it would be weird to tell her coworker to pursue a career in a field that she probably had reasons for leaving.

    Reply ↓
    2. AnonAnonSir!*

      I think it can depending where in the field you want to work though. If you’re talking about a big marketing firm that might be more competitive than, say, marketing and student recruitment at a university (which is where I work, and we’re definitely looking for more people to plug that gap!). There’s probably going to be different options out there.

      Reply ↓
      1. Myrin*

        I was gonna say, I work in local government and our marketing department just hired their first “real” market…er(?), the others are all from related but different areas of the broader communications/public relations field. From what I’ve been told, there hadn’t been an overabundance of applications, either (enough to be able to make a good choice but not incredibly competitive).

        Reply ↓
      2. bamcheeks*

        The thing about marketing is that it’s competitive but it’s also a huuuge need. It’s actually a shortage skill in the UK market because there has been such an explosion of everyone needing marketing and comms and doing it well is hard. See yesterday’s post, for example: if Mindy is the kind of person who could take that marketing department and get them to successful project manage those requests and the rest of the workload, or communicate to LW what they cant do, she’d be a diamond!

        Reply ↓
        1. Tea Monk*

          Yea but a lot of shortage areas are because there’s work but not jobs. They need it but are they hiring for it? What would Mindy need – like would she need a marketing internship?

          Reply ↓
      3. I'm just here for the cats!!*

        Yes, I was going to say the same thing! There’s different types of marketing jobs. And a lot of the time you might not need a marketing degree. We actually had this conversation at work recently as an example of jobs you can get with general bachelors degrees. It can be very competitive depending on the location and company. But it’s not always

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    3. JSPA*

      It’s not like the LW is suggesting marketing because it sounds good, or is sexy,though, and presumably they’re not entirely unaware of the cutthroat atmosphere, having first hand experience themselves.

      They’re suggesting marketing because they’ve seen that Mindy has top-notch skills and instincts, based on their own past experience. “I was only OK, but I think you could be a superstar” is a well-informed read on someone, after 10 (!) years of working intensively with them.

      Regardless, if hiring managers don’t agree with the LW, Mindy won’t get hired. If they do agree, she’ll get experience in a career that may play better to her strengths. Steering people away from marketing is like steering people away from STEM, “because it’s hard.” Sure, many jobs are hard, in the abstract, or competitive; but they’re still jobs many people do succeed in, if they’re a good fit.

      Reply ↓
      1. KateM*

        And this “I was only OK, but I think you could be a superstar in this other job” would be a good thing to hear after “you aren’t even OK in your current job”.

        Reply ↓
  6. Impending Heat Dome*

    The problem with wearing a pimple patch vs. wearing a bandage is that a bandage is intended to cover a wound. A pimple patch is treating a wound (or an infection, if you will) but it isn’t covering it. Excuse the description, but a pimple patch is a hydrocolloidal bandage that absorbs the pus in a pimple and accelerates healing–but you can see the pus being collected in the patch. They work really well! I think they’re super effective. But wearing one in the office or during Zoom meetings? No.

    IMO this isn’t something a person should have visible on their person at work. Maybe wear a pimple patch and cover *that* with a Band-aid, so that people don’t have to look at your patch as it works. Maybe you could get away with that. But frankly, I just don’t think it’s appropriate. A zit isn’t an injury, and pimple patches aren’t a vital and necessary method of treating them. And I say this as someone who has taken a course of Accutane and who still uses zit cream. It’s not professional, any more than it would be professional to walk around with e.g. a bleeding hangnail or a bloody Band-aid. Yuck. Take the patch off and wait until you’re off work to do that.

    Reply ↓
    1. ESG*

      Personally I would find discreet pimple patches way less distracting to look at than someone coming into work with a bunch of bandaids on their face. Not all pimple patches are clear either, they even come in skin colours.

      Reply ↓
      1. Anonym*

        Yeah, my metric for this would be whatever’s least distracting. When I see a bright, colorful one it grabs my attention briefly (no objections to it, that’s just what happens with my brain). If there’s a subtle one, I don’t notice it immediately, and once I do I just think “I’m so glad we do that now.”

        Reply ↓
      2. WorkingGirl*

        Or i would sometimes put on a clear pimple patch and cover it with makeup.

        Personally i never did the colorful pimple patches because when i have a zit, i hate it and i’m using a patch to try to get rid of it asap not draw attention to it! Clear patch on the chin = hardly noticable.

        Reply ↓
    2. secret cat*

      “It’s not professional, any more than it would be professional to walk around with e.g. a bleeding hangnail or a bloody Band-aid.”

      So if you have a bleeding hangnail, you should cover it with a Band-Aid, right? And if the Band-Aid gets bloody, you should replace it with a clean one? I’m not sure what else someone with an open wound should do.

      Similarly, you can replace the pimple patch once/before it gets visibly full. I think an oozing pimple is basically a wound anyway, as it’s leaking bodily fluids, and a patch not only covers it but helps it to heal better and faster.

      Reply ↓
      1. Nebula*

        Agreed, part of the point of the patches is that they’re supposed to be more pleasant to look at than a big oozing zit. I’ve never looked at someone wearing a pimple patch and been like “oh how disgusting I can see all the pus in there”.

        Reply ↓
        1. Rebecca*

          I’ve looked at my own and thought that! But the solution is to just…change the pimple patch if necessary, the same way you’d change a bandaid.

          Reply ↓
    3. amoeba*

      So maybe the non-clear ones are actually the better option then? I’m not an expert, haha, but apparently hereabouts the younger generation is really into the colourful/black ones in fun shapes like stars. (Although also apparently, those can look like face tattoos, so, until they’ve become even more normalised, maybe something to consider when/if you wear them…)

      Reply ↓
      1. WishIWasATimeTraveller*

        I have never seen someone wearing a pimple patch in my life, but I love the idea of colourful fun ones!
        I’m also imagining the old fashioned black patches that used to be work with wigs and powdered hair…

        Reply ↓
          1. Elizabeth West*

            And didn’t people wear those back then for the same reasons? Then they became fashionable?

            I probably wouldn’t care about the patch at work, as long as I couldn’t see gross shit through it. Band-Aid makes tiny round or square bandages with a clear adhesive part, if you want to cover them with those.

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      2. Chas*

        I’m not sure it’s that much of a concern, even to people who aren’t familiar with them. I work in Academia so it’s pretty chill here, but I recently went into work with one of the yellow starface stickers on near my eye and it wasn’t really a big deal to explain to the one person who asked about it. (“Is there something on your face?”, “Oh, this? It’s an acne sticker- I’ve got a spot and this stops me from picking at it!”, “Oh, OK! I was worried because I don’t have my glasses on and couldn’t see what it was!”)

        It even ended up convincing my mother (Who is usually the person I most expect to be all “you can’t wear that in PUBLIC!” about things) to look into them because she’s had some bad spots recently and her face reacted badly to the normal plasters she tried to use to cover them.

        Reply ↓
      3. Coverage Associate*

        The non clear ones are what I prefer for weekends for these reasons. I don’t wear either kind to work, though.

        Reply ↓
    5. LW3*

      LW3 here- that’s not actually what pimple patches do- that’s not pus in the material, that’s the hydrocolloid material in the patch that has collected oil or other material from skin.

      Reply ↓
    7. Another Kristin*

      This pimple patch discourse is making me feel really old, because I honestly don’t think I’ve ever HEARD of them, let alone seen one in the wild. Casual googling reveals that this is because they have only been marketed in North America since 2012, by which time I was already much too old to worry about pimples.

      Anyway, I can see one or two whimsical patches on the face looking kinda cute, like the poxmark patches people wore in the 18th century, but also I can see that being a bit weird in a more formal office. Or around me, because I would probably think you had randomly stuck a sticker on your face like a 6-year-old, since I had no idea that this entire cosmetic category existed!

      Reply ↓
      1. CeramicSun*

        To be fair, I’ve only seen them in the aisle with other acne products. I normally use the clear ones. Haven’t seen any that are skin-colored, just the clear and colorful star-shaped ones

        Reply ↓
      2. Dahlia*

        I’m so jealous of you being “too old to worry about pimples”. My mother still gets acne in her late 50s.

        Reply ↓
  7. Lanam*

    Alison, re #4: if the boss is not retrained, is this the kind of thing you’d eventually recommend just accepting as part of working for a somewhat inconsiderate manager, or trying to resolve it a different way? Not my question, but curious what you’d add if this strategy doesn’t end up changing the boss’s behavior.

    Reply ↓
    1. Antilles*

      The contacts outside of work hours for non-urgent stuff, I’d would continue to ignore the messages until the next morning. Even if the “training” doesn’t change her behavior and the messages still come in, you can just keep on with being unavailable and address it the next day.
      For the fact she uses three different forms of communication, if she won’t change, I’d just treat it as a quirk of her communication styles. accept that you’re working with a manager who prefers that as their means of contact. No different than how if your manager prefers phone calls to emails, you’d shrug and learn to live with having to do that.
      IF OP didn’t want/need WhatsApp or Signal in your personal life, there’s also the option of deleting the apps and letting the boss know that you’re purging a bunch of apps. I don’t think I’d lie and pretend this though; feels a bit too easy to get caught.

      Reply ↓
    2. Pickles*

      If she can’t get her to use email, at least to narrow it down to one.
      I have to consciously remember to transfer things from text to email because I use email as my to do list. It would be more annoying to add two more channels.
      I refuse to use slack for this reason.

      Reply ↓
      1. Liz*

        Or see if you can get her onto Teams. That way it feels the same to her, and OP can still have work/home separation. (And you can get email notifications for Teams messages.)

        Reply ↓
    3. blood orange*

      That’s tough. If your boss wants to do something a certain way, at some point you might have to accept it. That said, I think I’d be pretty persistent in moving things to email myself, and being strategically unavailable over the other channels (long response times, only responding when it’s actually urgent). Heck, maybe turning off notifications and missing something urgent is the thing that would make the boss move to an actual work channel.

      Being strategically unavailable has always worked for me, though. Even in workplaces where communication was very chaotic and everyone texted for work conversations, not subscribing to that myself has always worked.

      Reply ↓
    4. Audiophile*

      I’d wonder if the company approves of using Signal and Whatsapp for work communications. Signal is a potential maybe, but with all the privacy issues where Whatsapp is concerned, I can’t imagine that’s an approved channel for communication/records retention.

      Reply ↓
  8. BellStell*

    4; My org has a policy that work goes thru work channels not phone chat apps because if the person is not doing work on work channels then work gets lost and there is no official record of this work. Also even if it is a work owned phone this is not ok. Also sharing docs on whatsapp etc means data protection is not followed especially now with ai more prominent in whatsapp. Finally I have two personal phones I pay for myself and one is work people only, after a couple of years of having to be on whatsapp chats etc for work incl with boundary ignoring colleagues and managers. I do not give the new personal number to anyone at work at all and turn off the phone for work after 7pm and ignore it because I am not needed to be on all the time. And because of this too you may consider your mental health as a priority and need to block some people too who do not respect this.

    Reply ↓
    1. Antilles*

      Everywhere I’ve worked has a similar policy around records retention. In fact, it’s common enough in my industry that the idea of contacting an employee through an encrypted messaging app to their personal cell phone when that’s “definitely not the culture here” raised my eyebrows.
      Maybe the Boss just prefers these methods and it’s all above board. But if the boss hypothetically *was* trying to dodge record-keeping requirements for a shady reason, well, she’d be doing things like she is.

      Reply ↓
      1. Tammy 2*

        I came here to mention that the boss may be violating policy and is almost certainly out of compliance with records management best procedures.

        This could cause issues for the OP down the road if the boss is shady. I’d try responding each time via email (or Teams or another company-managed platform). “Hi Sally, per your (Signal) message (from Saturday night), I will run the TPS reports this morning and send them over to Fergus.” I’m not sure about including the parts in parentheses–it might come off kind of salty, so it depends on how salty you want to be.

        Reply ↓
        1. Troutwaxer*

          Yes. And copy the entire signal message to the email so it gets retained.

          Also, do you work for the government? (Sorry, not sorry.)

          Reply ↓
      2. Looper*

        Came to say essentially this. Signal notoriously does not save chat logs, and it just seems weird that she is using 3 non-work methodologies to contact LW instead of either emailing or using their work-based chat platform if they have one (which, in 2025, I’d be shocked if they weren’t using Teams at the very least).

        Reply ↓
        1. MigraineMonth*

          Yeah, Signal really raised my eyebrows. That’s an interesting choice for conducting business-as-usual.

          Like many, my org’s transition to WFH was a chaotic mess in early 2020, and we somehow ended up using Skype, Discord, Zoom, *and* GoToMeeting for a while there. We’re finally trying to consolidate on one platform, but unfortunately 1) they chose Teams, which no one likes, and 2) they’re switching one unit at a time to Teams, so we still have to be logged in to the other platforms in case someone in another unit needs to reach us.

          Reply ↓
    2. Free Meerkats*

      I spent my working life in government of one type or another, so all communication was required to be through official channels that evolved over the 50 years I worked. whatsapp and signal were forbidden by name in the last few years I worked because they weren’t available for FOIA requests. (avoiding calling out certain people here)

      My advice, tell your boss you have quit using them and remove them from your phone; or at least remove them from the home screen and turn off all notifications for them when you’re on the clock. This avoids your boss sending you something on one and having your phone ding – revealing you lied to them. When they text you, quick glance and if it’s not the urgent thing for which you need to be available, ignore it until the next workday.

      Reply ↓
  9. Ganymede II*

    LW1: this will depend on the size of your company, but could you look into arranging an internal secondment/ job swap for a year? See if anyone in marketing has the writing skills an interest for comms, and give your employee a chance to discover on her own if marketing might be the right place for her.

    These are fairly common in my workplace, and they are a great tool for retention, and for helping people finding their niche.

    Reply ↓
  11. AnonAnonSir!*

    I’m of the opinion that hickeys should be treated like condoms: in a professional settings it’s not exactly appropriate to run around showing off that you have them, but if someone sees you have one on you then any reasonable adult will just not make a big deal, or even draw attention to it unless you’re pretty close friends. OP2, I do think you should be fine in the changing rooms.

    Reply ↓
    1. Mid*

      Exactly.

      I have a very unfortunate bruise on my neck right now that is 100% from me itching my neck in my sleep and not a hickey, but it very much looks like a hickey. I’ve also gotten suspicious looking neck marks from curling my hair, straightening my hair, biking and getting hit by a rock, getting hit by a tree branch, getting pawed by an overly excited puppy, getting head-butted by an overly excited baby, getting bitten by an upset toddler, and countless other weird things. Bruises happen. Some happen from adult activities. Some happen from silly accidents. It’s really best to just not comment on people’s bodies and the sometimes silly bruises that appear on them. I can’t say I’ve ever noticed or thought about my coworkers random bruises regardless of location or probable activities leading to them.

      Reply ↓
      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I have a cross over comment…

        In college I used a small round bandage on a bad pimple on my neck. The plastic irritated my skin enough that people teased me about having a hickey.

        Reply ↓
      2. Jackalope*

        The first time I read your comment I thought you were saying that you have all of those injuries *right now*, and it was sounding like a really bad week!

        Reply ↓
      3. Tulgey*

        “I’ve also gotten suspicious looking neck marks from curling my hair”

        Burning myself with a curling iron is my go to cover story for hickeys

        Reply ↓
      4. Anonymosity*

        Agreed. Currently, I have a bandage on one breast thanks to unfortunately dropping a razor in the bath while shaving my armpit. It landed blade-down on my nipple. And yes, it hurt like the dickens. If I were in a work locker room and someone expressed concern, I would be fine with explaining it. But I wouldn’t expect anyone to look or ask.

        Reply ↓
    2. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      “hickeys should be treated like condoms: in a professional settings it’s not exactly appropriate to run around showing off that you have them”

      OMG This makes be thing of the letter writer who accidently spilled their bag at an interview and condoms flew out over the interviewers desk!

      Reply ↓
      2. MigraineMonth*

        I love that, long after he was hired, he brought the incident up with the woman who had interviewed him. She had no memory if that happening; she’d been too mortified when she discovered she’d had lipstick all over her teeth during the interview to make note of it.

        Reply ↓
    3. Frosty*

      When I read this, I thought you meant someone *wearing* a condom and I was like… PLEASE tell me that no one is accidentally seeing you wearing a condom!?!?!?

      But then I got it – you mean ones still in their wrappers

      Reply ↓
  12. Jane Bingley*

    As someone who gets really squicked out and distracted by the sight of a pimple, especially ones that are “ready to pop” so to speak (don’t actually pop them, that’s bad for your skin!), the rise of pimple patches has been sooooo nice. I would much rather see a small round skin-tone bandage on someone’s skin than a pimple.

    (I don’t hold pimples against anyone, it’s my squick and there’s nothing wrong with going bare-faced! I’ve just personally enjoyed the pimple patch trend.)

    Reply ↓
    1. bamcheeks*

      Yes, this is where land too. Patches are definitely the LEAST gross of all possible options: if your spot is still at the stage where the colloidal patch is doing its job and drawing off fluid, then every other option is more disgusting.

      I am (touch wood) just coming to the end of a horrible outbreak of spots, which take aaaages to heal because I’m in my forties (young people, spots are horrible at any age, but please appreciate your superior fast healing skills *sigh*), and I’m actually reading this thinking I should get some of the patches! Thst said, I think for me there is also a difference in where they are placed. I absolutely wouldn’t think anything of a pimple patch on the high cheekbone or jawline, but unfortunately all the spots I get are on my chin or at the corners of my mouth, and that feels just a bit too blatant. But that’s a personal preference, not something I’d judge in someone else.

      Reply ↓
      1. Out, out darn spot!*

        For what it’s worth, I have seen people at work and just out and about wearing patches on their chin or around their mouth and never thought twice about it or thought it stood out. I’m nearly 50 and still get spots, mostly around my chin, so I feel your pain.

        Reply ↓
        2. Elizabeth West*

          Same. It’s nice to finally have mostly clear skin, but it doesn’t always stay clear. Especially now that I’ve mostly been wearing my glasses.

          Reply ↓
      2. Love Korean Facemasks*

        I’ve also seen yellow glittery star shaped ones being worn on the forehead. The girl wearing them was a hostess at a restaurant and had three around the middle of her forehead. I don’t think too many people even knew what they were and nobody said anything to her.

        I’m of the mind that acne can sometimes make one feel ugly or bad about themselves so I’m totally supportive of covering it with something cute (or discreet) to take care of it!

        Reply ↓
        1. SimonTheGreyWarden*

          A couple of the girls at the coffee shop I frequent wear the pretty ones and I’ve just thought they were a cute fashion choice. Just now learned they served a purpose.

          Reply ↓
          1. Jane*

            Same – I guess I know that they are pimple patches if I think about it but they essentially read as “young person fashion choice” at a first glance. I’ve seen my friend’s 13 y.o. daughter wearing them and I think a couple of the high school volunteers or interns at my work have occasionally worn them. My impression is that wearing tiny cute stickers on your face is something people sometimes do nowadays even if it’s not a pimple patch.

            I think I would be a little surprised to see them (the colorful star/heart/etc ones) on somebody older than college age or in a higher level position that requires formal dress but I don’t think I’d bat an eye at an opaque flesh toned one (those have to exist right?) With the translucent ones, sometimes they’re basically invisible, but if it wasn’t, that might jump out.

            Reply ↓
    2. cncx*

      Came here to say this, I would much rather a pimple patch than some of the angry angry lesions I have seen.

      Reply ↓
  13. I should really pick a name*

    For example, if your ass bears evidence that you’re into spanking, it’s better for everyone if you use a non-work gym that week

    Strongly disagree.

    Bodies are bodies. You’re going to see them in a changeroom and they sometimes have weird stuff going on.

    So long as you’re comfortable brushing off busy bodies, you don’t need to change your locker room routine.

    Hickeys/bruises are just one of the many way a body might differ from the norm.

    Reply ↓
    1. ReallyBadPerson*

      Agree. I’m a swimmer and am used to being naked in locker rooms. Many of us cover as much as possible with a towel, but I could not care less if people can’t or don’t. I just don’t look.

      Reply ↓
    2. Peanut Hamper*

      I agree with you in theory, but things are different when it comes to work.

      We’ve seen many examples here of people with relatively benign wounds where workers (and sometimes bosses, IIRC) went way overboard in their reaction.

      A certain amount of professional discretion can go a long way at work to avoid issues. Just because you don’t have an issue with it doesn’t mean that your coworkers won’t.

      Reply ↓
      1. Hlao-roo*

        Yeah, two past letters that came to mind were this one (where the coworker had a reasonable-but-concerned reaction and all ended well in the update):

        https://www.askamanager.org/2017/11/not-that-kind-of-bruise.html

        And this one where the coworker (Mary) had a totally outsized reaction:

        https://www.askamanager.org/2021/04/hr-questioned-me-for-hours-about-a-sex-injury.html

        Also this letter is about scars and not bruises, but is one more for the “people can be wildly unreasonable” category:

        https://www.askamanager.org/2022/11/my-interviewer-sent-me-an-email-saying-my-scars-are-triggering.html

        Reply ↓
      2. Maggie*

        We don’t need to go out of our way to accommodate people who would harass you over bruises they should have been politely ignoring.

        Reply ↓
      3. I should really pick a name*

        Which is why I included the qualifier “So long as you’re comfortable brushing off busy bodies”

        Reply ↓
    3. Sometimes bruised*

      Agreed, anyone in a locker room looking closely enough at other people to develop theories on their bruising is so far out of pocket, the bruises are entirely irrelevant.

      Reply ↓
    4. Jackalope*

      It depends. If you just have a bruise on your butt then sure, whatever. If you have a bruise that is roughly hand-shaped, then you’re more likely to have people notice and worry about you. Depending on the work environment, people might assume you’re in an abusive relationship and try to intervene, etc.

      Reply ↓
    5. Turquoisecow*

      I think “So long as you’re comfortable brushing off busy bodies,” is the key part of your stance.

      Yeah I have a bruise on my ass and people can guess the reason I don’t care is a healthy attitude to have but if you’re around more judgmental people or you just don’t want others speculating about your extracurricular activities, then there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be discreet about such things and taking extra steps at certain times.

      Reply ↓
  14. I should really pick a name*

    #1
    In future, 10 years is way too long to wait for someone to get up to acceptable standards for a job.

    Reply ↓
    1. WellRed*

      And “related degrees!” At some point, this poor woman needs a reality check instead of toiling away and spending money on something she has no knack for. I’d love to be oh, a singer, but can’t sing At All.

      Reply ↓
      1. Frosty*

        I’d be interested to learn what someone other than OP#1 thinks of her work, because someone doesn’t get multiple degrees in a subject if they are totally incompetent at it. Their profs and advisors just wouldn’t pass them. Maybe it’s the boss that has a problem judging work, and not the employee.

        Reply ↓
        1. Yeah no*

          Hard same., Not to shade OP, but they started it. I am having difficulties imagining a job where a comms job is more skills-driven than any product marketing gig (as an example). If the job is a writing gig and Mindy falls short, that’s absolutely valid, but I am side-eyeing claims of comms being more nuanced.

          Reply ↓
        2. NothingIsLittle*

          I work in higher ed, and there are many disreputable (and some seemingly reputable) schools that will give you degrees for things you are bad at if you pay them enough. Especially if you’re going in not for a traditional bachelor’s or master’s program, but a specialized program for full-time professionals like MIT Sloan School’s Executive MBA (NOT an example of a disreputable program, just the type of program that I mean.)

          Reply ↓
        3. Paint N Drip*

          Well she could be talented but not in an applicable way. Probably we don’t want Charles Bukowski writing client-facing education materials, but he is a talented writer – I assume there are plenty of people who are good at copywriting, technical writing, drafting textbooks, etc. who would make terrible novel writers.

          Reply ↓
          1. Coverage Associate*

            Yes, I commented above about a news article that is well written as a news article but I have bookmarked it as “what not to do” for work because my boss doesn’t want me “just reporting.”

            I am not familiar with the type of business writing at issue, but that suggests that it might be hard to find a program that teaches the right type of writing.

            Reply ↓
        4. Cmdrshprd*

          Eh I think in an academic setting C’s get degrees, but in a workplace C level work might not be enough, or C level work in academic setting is below average work in job setting.

          so just because they passed it might not be unreasonable that she is not suited for the job.

          Reply ↓
        5. Ask a Manager* Post author

          That assumes there’s one type of “good” writing, and there’s not at all. There are writing styles and voices that could be great for one context and absolutely wrong for others. And some writers can voice-switch with ease and some cannot.

          Reply ↓
        6. MigraineMonth*

          Not in my case. I did computer science research for a professor as an undergrad. I was bad at it. I applied for a summer program doing research. I was bad at it. I did a research capstone group project, and I think we were passed on pity alone. I went on to get a masters and did a research capstone project for that. I almost didn’t graduate.

          I successfully got a job at a research-heavy company and worked there for a year, and I really struggled. Finally, my manager asked me if I actually liked research.

          I don’t. I hate research and I suck at it. There is nothing more demoralizing to me than doing a 6-month project and finding out that the results are negative, so I should go back and undo everything I’ve done. It just took nearly a decade for someone to lay out that my skills and motivations *did not* line up with the path I kept trying to go down because it was presented as the only path to better/more prestigious work.

          Reply ↓
    2. NothingIsLittle*

      I wonder if they’ve been making exceptions for her writing deficiencies because no one else wants to do aspects of the job she’s good at, like the planning and organizing. It’s still not great to let someone struggle at a job for a decade, but I think it’s more understandable if she’s resolving an issue her managers didn’t want to deal with (since it hasn’t just been OP).

      Reply ↓
      1. Shipbuilding Techniques*

        That is a good point–I feel like I have the opposite skills from Mindy. Let her manage the projects and just tell me where to write things.

        Reply ↓
  15. Tradd*

    I’m so glad to see #4. The owners/higher ups at my small company travel overseas fairly often. I will often get WhatsApp messages/calls on my personal phone during business hours. We don’t have work phones. Nothing else work related on my phone except for work account on authentication app I already was using. One would even send me documents., which I would alway ask to be emailed to me. They would comply. I’d have no way to get them off my personal phone without emailing them from my personal email to work email. I finally took WhatsApp off my phone as the friends I had it for moved to Signal. I was also getting a ton of spam messages. When company higher ups asked why they couldn’t reach me on WhatsApp any more, I just mentioned all the spam. They can text me or send me a work email.

    Reply ↓
  16. bamcheeks*

    LW1, I defintiely think you should give this advice to Mindy, but I would give some thought to how you’re framing it. This will probably be easier for Mindy to work with if you frame it less as a “change your entire career plan” and more if a “these are your strengths, lean in to them”. Marketing and comms are not so far apart thst this is a “rethink every decision” situation: if Mindy is 8-10 years into her job, then her strengths presumably have some significant crossover with what she’s currently doing, so this is hopefully less “you are failing and you need to completely rethink this” and more, “I want to be clear with you, the way we’re set up here, you’d need to be stronger at writing to progress. However, there are lots of places with a stronger emphasis on [analytics, project management, stakeholder management] where I think you’d absolutely thrive. I would support you if you want to look for your next level job in those areas.”

    (I’m assuming here that Mindy’s immediate job isn’t on the line— obviously if it is, be clear about that!)

    Reply ↓
    1. Bluenyx*

      This! The whole conversation is likely to be simpler if you can focus more on positive steps she can take to use her strengths better. This phrasing strikes a good balance of doing that while not just using it as a way to dodge saying anything critical at all.

      Reply ↓
  17. Don't You Call Me Lady*

    Mindy should work at that company with the unresponsive marketing team from yesterday – they need help!

    Reply ↓
  18. Anon for This*

    OP1, does your organization have a Marketing Department? If it does, I’d recommend you detail her to that department for a learning opportunity. If, as you believe, she has a talent for it, it will open her eyes to new possibilities.

    Reply ↓
  19. Slide*

    Any violinist who practices regularly (and probably violists too but I’ve never peeked) will have what looks like a hickey on the left side of their neck. This doesn’t help anyone specific but it would be nice if everyone else would remember that some of us got these in very innocuous ways and stop paying attention to it.

    Reply ↓
    1. Annika Hansen*

      My friend had a birthmark on her neck that looked like a hickey from a distance. That was fun in middle school.

      Reply ↓
  20. Dido*

    Wow. LW1, you and your company absolutely failed Mindy by letting her fail at her job for a DECADE. If you’re at the point where you need to outsource projects that her role should handle instead of giving them to her, she should’ve been on a PIP a long time ago. I don’t know how you can bring this up to her without blindsiding her.

    Reply ↓
    1. Peanut Hamper*

      I thought about this, too, but I dont think writing is that much of Mindy’s job. This is just one project that’s going to be outsourced. If writing is only 5-10% of Mindy’s job, then I don’t think this is an example of a company failing their employee.

      I agree, though–a decade is a long time to wait for these skills to develop.

      Reply ↓
      1. Galaxiid*

        I think it is a major part—OP says “We do a lot of writing.” But yeah, I think there must be a large non-writing component as well. Otherwise I can’t see how they’d keep her on for this long.

        Reply ↓
      2. ecnaseener*

        But LW says writing is “a fundamental skill for the job. We do a lot of writing and it has to be done well” — sounds like way more than 10%.

        Reply ↓
      3. bamcheeks*

        I am also not sure whether this is “it’s a fundamental skill to succeed in this role, and Mindy is in danger of being fired”, or “it’s a fundamental skill to PROGRESS in this field, and she can get away with it at this stage but she couldn’t move to the next level where she’d need to be able to write with less oversight / oversee others”. I’m kind of assuming it must be latter because she’s been in this role for several years, but yeah, if it is the former someone has REALLY dropped the ball.

        Reply ↓
        1. WellRed*

          I think this is splitting hairs. It sounds like the ball has been dropped for years on Mindy and OP is finally ready to act (realize OP hasn’t been the problem the whole time). All this coaching etc and now having to outsource this project does not say to me that Mindy is doing OK in the role. It says it’s time to think about something new and OP is ready to urge Mindy out the door.

          Reply ↓
          1. bamcheeks*

            Really?! I think there’s a massive difference between “your job is at risk” and “you won’t progress here”.

            Reply ↓
            1. Coverage Associate*

              Agree, especially after 10 years. In my industry, if there has been no advancement in 10 years, everyone assumes that you don’t want to advance. (Which should be a fine personal choice, and is in some industries)

              Reply ↓
    2. SunnyShine*

      Yeah, I feel bad for Mindy. Either she is the less self-aware person around (which warrants a PIP), or LW has not been frank or clear enough. You shouldn’t be coaching after 10 years.

      Reply ↓
      1. Miette*

        Or LW has higher standards for this position than Mindy’s past managers have had. It’s valid for OP to set the goal posts higher, but they might not be the ones Mindy’s been used to, and I hope OP doesn’t leave her feeling like a failure in a field she may very well love. So I hope OP will interrogate their own role here.

        Reply ↓
      2. Parakeet*

        Or she doesn’t know what else she has the skills to do and could potentially get hired at. And is privately constantly stressed or in denial, because she knows she’s not doing well but doesn’t feel like she has a viable escape route.

        Signed, a former Mindy (not in the same field, just the same basic problem of struggling long-term with fundamental skills) who eventually ended up in a field that I’m really, really good at. It took a while, a lot of nonprofit volunteering outside my original field, and another handful of intermediary years in fields where I was good but not great. If by some chance Mindy feels like I did, the message of “You’d be great at this other thing” could maybe be pretty helpful (though only if it’s a field that there’s a reasonable chance she could break into, and I know nothing about marketing so I can’t speak to that).

        Reply ↓
  21. Don't You Call Me Lady*

    FWIW I wouldn’t care about hickeys or pimple patches in colleagues, reports, etc.- lots more relevant and important things to worry about

    Reply ↓
      1. Mellie*

        Yes! And at the same time, if you’re the person with the hickies or pimples, it’s not so easy to dismiss your own self-consciousness about them.

        Reply ↓
    2. CatDude*

      Yea, and frankly, I think anyone who *would* care about these things is an annoying busybody whose opinion is not worth considering.

      Reply ↓
    3. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      This! The first time I saw someone with a pimple patch I thought they had put stickers on their face!! :)

      Reply ↓
    4. Clearance Issues*

      I played viola and had the “hickey” and had a horrible bug bite that I just couldn’t cover… found out later everyone at my last job assumed it was the OTHER kind of hickey and was gossiping about it. It shouldn’t MATTER.

      That particular workplace was terrible about professionalism though, this current job’s been good about minding their own business. Mostly. there’s still some busybodies and one of them got talked to by HR and then called out (anonymously) in a meeting saying “Not all topics are work appropriate and can actively hurt people if you ask about them” (“Do not ask about if someone is “looking for a man,” getting pregnant/planning a baby, push for answers on family relationships”)

      Reply ↓
  22. Not your typical admin*

    Mom of teens here. I can say that wearing pimple patches out is a totally normal thing now. Honestly, the flesh colored and clear ones give a more polished look than concealer to me. I probably wouldn’t wear a colored or shape one to work, but the others I would for sure.

    Reply ↓
    1. WellRed*

      I personally don’t care or even notice the clear patches, but not sure we should base norms on what teens are doing, especially for an office setting.

      Reply ↓
      1. Silver Robin*

        it makes sense to notice what is being normalized by the next generation; they are likely about to join or already in the workforce. Especially when it is along the lines of self expression (colorful shapes) and body acceptance (pimple patches are perfectly fine to wear wherever there are pimples). Those kinds of normalizations tend to stick around. Think about how dyeing one’s hair has gone from “rebellious teen” to “as long as it is well maintained” for many many jobs.

        Reply ↓
      2. Dahlia*

        They aren’t really doing that. They’re just speaking from their experience of SEEING acne patches on their teens regularly, and knowing what they look like.

        Reply ↓
  23. Don't You Call Me Lady*

    Not sure what to tell Mindy, but marketing is very broad and encompasses what she’s already doing so if you just advise her to look into “marketing” that might not be very clear. I would think communications is already part of the marketing team there, so she must know people in the department, especially if she’s been ten years.

    Either way though it kind of sounds like you’re foisting a mediocre employee off on someone else. But then again if she’s managed to stay around for a decade she must be doing something right?

    Reply ↓
    1. WellRed*

      How many letters have we seen here where incompetent or at least mediocre employees keep their jobs for years due to unwillingness to act or perhaps sheer inertia?

      Reply ↓
  24. A*

    2: Nobody cares.

    I know that sounds really mean but in this situation it’s comforting, I think. Nobody is looking at you, nobody cares, adults can handle this situation even if there is evidence of spanking.

    Reply ↓
    1. Mellie*

      Yes, and to add to my comment from another thread above, if you’re the person with the BDSM “evidence” on your body, it’s incredibly easy (for me anyway) to really, really not want anyone to see it. I realize that others may not realize, or even care, what the bruises are from, but I once was going to cancel a doctor’s appointment because of a bruise on my ass until I checked the mirror and discovered that it was smaller than I thought.

      Reply ↓
      1. A*

        Yeah, also there are a lot of towel-and-locker-door maneuvers you can do that really minimizes how much people can see you.

        I would do that before I would find a whole entire different place to change. In some workplaces this is difficult if not impossible, anyway. It’s not like a gym you choose to go to, it is where you have to change to do your job.

        Reply ↓
    2. CatDude*

      Totally agree and I find the idea that nobody cares is often a liberating one. I know I have often worried too much about how others perceive me, especially when I’ve done something I think of as embarrassing. But the truth is most of us have enough to worry about in our own lives that we don’t have the mental space to obsess over what other people are doing or how they look. Knowing this has helped me deal with a lot of my own anxiety.

      Reply ↓
    3. Frosty*

      I played roller derby for years and one of my close friends did too. Every time she’d go to the doctor, they’d give her pamphlets about domestic violence because she was covered in bruises. They were doing what they felt was their due diligence.

      However, if you are working with someone that also refuses to believe that your bruises are not due to DV or abuse, it can be very hard to shake! People can want to hide the “evidence” because there are people that will judge – including bosses! People could lose out on promotions, or get a particular reputation – or their partner could be viewed as abusive and given the cold shoulder etc.

      It’s easy to say “no one cares!” but that’s not actually true. Its okay for people to want to keep things private.

      Reply ↓
      1. Dr. Rebecca*

        This. “No one cares” is a good idea to keep in mind when you’re not at work, but at work people do care about other people’s appearances, and sometimes they care VERY much in ways that can damage reputations or career trajectories.

        Reply ↓
        1. metadata minion*

          No, but there absolutely are people out there who will notice and judge a hickey. They’re not *common*, and I agree that the LW probably has nothing to worry about unless they know their coworkers are busybodies in that way, but it’s disingenuous to pretend those people don’t exist.

          Reply ↓
          1. Parakeet*

            There’s a thread somewhere in the AAM archives about hickeys, and the comments then were very different from the comments today. I think these comments and the attitudes they reflect are much better than the previous ones. But the previous ones illustrate your point all too well.

            Reply ↓
        2. Frosty*

          True, but the conversation seems to be about a broader topic of hiding sex-related marks on the body. If someone has a bunch of hickeys on their chest or somewhere else (as opposed to one on the neck) it could look strange to someone that is seeing it out of context.

          Reply ↓
  25. SunnyShine*

    LW 1 – Unless you have connections, I would make it a talking point in the conversation but focus more on Mindy’s work. If Mindy is a good worker and has good relationships with other co-workers, it makes sense to help her find a different job in your organization.

    Though, I have to wonder how frank you are being with her about her writing. Especially since you are focused on getting her a career change in a field that you’ve been out of for a while. As nice as that sounds, you’ll have to be frank with her. You shouldn’t be coaching for 10 years. If possible, you’re going to have to let her fail on her own. If the writing isn’t good, tell her that it’s not up to par and ask her to fix it. She sounds like she isn’t taking your advice at this point. It’s quite possible that she is using you as a crutch.

    Reply ↓
    1. JSPA*

      -I re-read, and the LW has been there (and coaching) for 3 years. I suppose we don’t know how much (or how well, or with what desired outcome and goals) Mindy was coached for the 7 years prior.

      Reply ↓
  26. Cnoocy*

    OP4, does your office use any organizational messaging systems like Slack or Mattermost? If your boss can communicate using messaging that doesn’t connect to the systems you use personally and that you can choose to use only during work hours, that may improve the situation for both of you.

    Reply ↓
      1. Mellie*

        True, but if they’re official work platforms, at least they don’t need to be on the OP’s personal phone. I was recently diagnosed with ADD (so much makes sense now!), so even though I have a few places where info might be, it’s a finite number of places – for me, something is either in an Outlook folder, a OneDrive folder, or my OneNote notes. My boss has my mobile number in case of work emergency, so I don’t need to check work email when it’s not work time.

        It sounds like OP has to worry about moving info from personal platforms to work platforms, which must be incredibly annoying and potentially stressful. I hope they can persuade their manager to change their habits.

        Reply ↓
    2. Mockingjay*

      OP4 could leverage corporate policies for approved communication means (if these exist), for example, data/property rights protection or audit retention. “Hey boss, I’m going to reply via email so we can keep track of this issue in line with X policy.” Or, “Grandboss prefers employees to use the corporate chat, not personal messaging services. Keeps everyone on the same page.”

      Bureaucratic process can be a good way to redirect someone without getting into the morass of personal preferences.

      Reply ↓
  27. Rogue Slime Mold*

    Genuinely interesting to me that we are going from normalizing “Person who should answer phone for work nevertheless tries to never communicate by phone, maybe their coworkers can just handle that onerous task for them” to “And no, email won’t work either, because they also don’t answer email.”

    (My work is by email, with the occasional video call if we need to discuss the parts of something on a shared screen. I can’t imagine my frustration if we tried to convey all information over WhatsApp.)

    Reply ↓
  28. Crencestre*

    OP4: Communicating via Signal is only acceptable for Cabinet-level officials discussing war plans in real time and sending emojis in response to bombing raids. All other workplace communication should be via email!

    Reply ↓
  29. HailRobonia*

    #1: Marketing sounds like it could be a great fit! It would be an opportunity to leverage her strengths (analysis, planning, etc.) and still be connected to “creative” work which it sounds like she wants to do if she is also working with content writers.

    I can imagine scenarios such as she provides an outline to the writers based on her analytics (“for this llama grooming campaign we should include more terminology related to clipper innovations because I have found that 74% of our audience are satisfied with their techniques but are lacking information on the technology and tools… we should also aim to have it launched at least 3 months before the Annual Llama Professionals And Consultants Association conference.”

    Reply ↓
  30. DramaQ*

    #3 Oh how I wish I was 20 again! Adult perimenopause acne is no freaking joke and it does not behave like teenage acne does. It doesn’t respond to the stuff you used to treat it in your teens either.

    Pimple patches have been a game changer for me. The acne I have developed as an adult is very ugly, very painful cystic acne that likes to behave in unpredictable ways and never heals nicely.

    Trust me you want to see the pimple patch instead of what is going on underneath. I wear the opaque ones to work. It keeps me from picking it and helps them actually heal.

    I did have the horrific experience of one popping under a patch while at work and still you want the patch instead of seeing that drip down my face without warning. I went in the bathroom, washed my face and changed the patch.

    It’s no different than wearing a band aid somewhere else visible on my body. IMO the patches are a lot less noticeable than walking around with one of those round “flesh” colored band aids on my face all day and the pimple patch is actually doing the work of clearing it up not just covering it up.

    It doesn’t bother me at all to see them and I don’t judge anyone for it. Nobody has ever said anything to me about it being a negative. I’ve had a couple of people think I left it on by mistake and I just say nope still healing! I’ve had people ask me where I found them to use themselves or get for their teens.

    Reply ↓
  31. I'm just here for the cats!!*

    #1 is there anywhere in your company that Mindy could move to that would be a better fit? Or do you know of anyone that you could connect her with that does need someone in marketing. Are there any projects that lean towards marketing that she could handle to give her some experience?

    Reply ↓
  32. LW3*

    Letter writer #3 here- some of these comments are helpful, thank you. Some are not so much, like debating the use of pimple patch vs bandage. I am mostly interested in “am I wrong to be taken aback by it?” It isn’t lost on me that early in my career, I had a supervisor take me to task that I wasn’t wearing pantyhose at work and I thought she was bonkers. I think we need to be mindful of changes in youth culture in the workplace and accepting. But still, I worried that that this employee is going to be viewed as unprofessional or messy by our leadership group or our client base- she’s shown up to meetings with these, and I worry how she’ll be perceived by others. I am not planning on talking to her about it, just struggling with how to come to terms with it myself.

    Reply ↓
    1. A*

      You aren’t wrong to have a question about grooming and professional norms because these are in a constant state of flux. Look at the Yankees with their facial hair restriction. Even the Yankees change!

      If she wrote in, I would probably tell her to switch to flesh colored pimple patches if at all possible when communicating with clients.

      Since you wrote in, I will say this is something that changed. I think exposure will lead you to coming to terms with it pretty quickly.

      Reply ↓
    2. Don't You Call Me Lady*

      Of course we don’t know your specific bosses or clients, but I’d say in general you are overthinking it and have nothing to worry about

      Reply ↓
    3. Silver Robin*

      My guess is that the more skin toned ones are likely going to be considered “the most professional” because they are the least noticeable. But honestly, until you see any of them having a negative effect on interactions with clients or something, best to just let it be and assume all will be well.

      Reply ↓
    4. Crepe Myrtle*

      Maybe start to use them yourself and you’ll start to accept them more? I’m certainly not a teenager and use them myself- they’re much better than concealer or just going without one.

      Also, are they the colorful ones? If so, tell her what you’re concerned about and advise her to use the clear ones. The colorful shaped ones seem less professional to me and I don’t wear them to work.

      Reply ↓
    5. Frosty*

      You can be taken aback by it and still accept that it is a new norm. We can’t really help you process your emotional reaction – and emotions aren’t wrong or right, they just are!

      I also would think it’s a bit odd to see pimple patches in the workplace. I don’t work in a particularly formal place, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen one.

      Reply ↓
    6. DramaQ*

      If your baseline is that you got yelled at about not wearing panty hose which is something I haven’t heard being required for women in decades then yeah you are going to be taken aback by a pimple patch.

      Unless she is wearing dozens of them on her face at a time one or two is not going to be something most people notice. I usually have one on my jawline or my chin if the acne is bad enough and they are the opaque ones which can go under make-up if I absolutely had to cover it up.

      If she’s wearing the funky shaped ones then I might mention something because yes yellow stars on your face are going to be distracting in a meeting.
      I had pot leaf shaped ones I used only at home but somehow one got caught on my sleeve and fell off onto the floor at work. My coworker laughed so hard he had tears in his eyes. If my manager had seen it she probably wouldn’t have found it as funny. I stopped buying that shape all together.

      But the plain round ones that are either clear or flesh colored? Unless she’s having to get REAL up close and personal with clients and in meetings nobody is likely to notice it anymore than they would if she had a band aid on her finger if they aren’t looking directly at it.

      Reply ↓
  33. Political Consultant*

    OP 4 – any chance your boss is using Signal/WhatsApp because they want their messages to be encrypted and deleted? If you work in an industry with regulations about saving records, that’s a problem and you should consider escalating it. But if not and you regularly communicate about sensitive, confidential information, that could be smart and intentional. (Using encrypted messaging has been a recommended best practice in Democratic politics since the 2016 email leak.) If that’s the case, you could ask your boss to use email for run-of-the-mill communication and save Signal only for more sensitive info. You could also definitely ask her to stick to either Signal or WhatsApp so you’re using two channels instead of three. You could also talk to her about limiting non-time-sensitive messages after hours. Just be aware that if she’s using these two particular apps rather than regular text messaging, it may be an intentional choice that requires more problem solving than simply moving back to email.

    Reply ↓
    1. Elizabeth West*

      I don’t understand your comment at all. Isn’t government one of those industries with strong regulations about keeping records, even if encrypted?

      Why would this be okay at a private company? And what if they were a government contractor? Wouldn’t they have to keep those records?

      Reply ↓
      1. Cmdrshprd*

        There is a difference between official government work (that generally does need to be preserved) and politics/political organizing work that is not subject to record keeping laws.

        Similar for private companies some of them depending on the subject and or industry may be required to keep certain records but not all.

        That was the point the personas making above, by using what’s app/signal boss might be violating the law, or it might a best practice for communication.

        Reply ↓
    2. Head Sheep Counter*

      I strongly disagree. If you are in a regulated industry with record keeping… Signal/WhatsApp are wholly inappropriate and generally considered illegal as they… don’t keep records. One should use encrypted email… as part of a whole integrated IT with appropriate records kept for future discovery.

      That we are living in a world where our government wants to talk about highly classified things without possibility of discovery is actually a symptom of something rotten in the system.

      Reply ↓
      1. Political Consultant*

        That’s what I was trying to say: if you’re in regulated industry with record keeping rules, Signal/WhatsApp are inappropriate and probably illegal, and the OP should escalate this to HR or someone higher up in the chain of command.

        But if you’re not subject to record keeping rules, encrypted temporary communication can be a legitimate best practice. (And as @Cmdrshprd said, government is subject to record keeping laws, but political campaigns generally are not.)

        Reply ↓
    3. E*

      Yes OP4 here, you hit the nail on the head. There were some legit reasons some of the communication was on WhatsApp/signal (and part go why I can’t delete the apps, in addition to personal use) but she uses it for *all* communications. I think she just … doesn’t like email? But I’ll try Alison’s advice.

      To some of the other commenters’ points, I’m not aware of our workplace (academia, sigh) having policies about where communications must live, but even if so it would not be enforced and would be kind of laughable on our team culture to appeal to that.

      I’m also just gonna try to work on my own boundaries. I have a knee jerk reaction if I see Boss’ name on screen to think it’s important and I need to act, so some of this may involve trying to retrain myself too I guess.

      Reply ↓
  34. Dinwar*

    #2: I don’t hire or work with children. Adults have sex. Some of them are into things that are a bit exotic. If someone’s too childish to understand this, they are too childish to work on my site; they’ll get someone killed.

    There is a WORLD of difference between accidently seeing evidence of someone’s sex life vs someone shoving it in your face. As an adult it is reasonable for me to expect you to be able to be professional if you accidently find out someone’s into something you disapprove of. It’s going to happen, a lot.

    And no, I don’t buy the “It’s fine just keep it to yourself” nonsense. It’s the same line as was used with homosexuality–“I don’t have a problem with it, but they shouldn’t be doing that sort of thing in public.” Anyone who’s experienced being shoved in the closet knows that this is a form of oppression. I don’t buy the nonsense that folks into BDSM are inherently broken or deranged, which is used to justify this sort of oppression; I’ve known too many of them. They’re just people with different tastes than others. It’s like thinking a person is mentally ill because they like vanilla ice cream rather than chocolate, or prefer pork to beef.

    Honestly, this is one reason why we can’t have nice things as a society. It’s not just sex, either. I’m on a Facebook page for men who crochet, and there are ample stories of people finding out a guy crochets and attacking him for it. Or someone’s the wrong religion. Or even that someone roots for the wrong football team. If we want to live in a civil society we are obliged to accept that we don’t get to have opinions about some things. Other people are allowed to live their lives without us constantly looking for excuses to judge them.

    Now if you suspect abuse, that’s different. And I’ll grant the line can seem blurry here–you aren’t privy to the enthusiastic consent, after all. But there are ways to approach that which don’t attack someone who has different tastes than you.

    Reply ↓
    1. Just a Pile of Oranges*

      This is a super important point! But it kind of ignores reality, which is that we probably do work with judgmental people every day, and we need to be aware of how letting them know things about ourselves can impact our day-to-day.

      The people who most need to hear that they need to stop sticking their noses in other people’s business, are the very people who refuse to listen. And, in many cases, hold positions of power. That’s a truth that needs to be acknowledged, because while nobody should have to stay in any kind of metaphorical closet, sometimes that’s the best way to protect themselves.

      Reply ↓
      1. Do Not Perceive Me*

        Jumping off your point ( lw2 here), I completely agree that it would be incredibly invasive and overreaching if I needed to police my own body to ensure I maintain a sexless persona. I have a life outside work! But I do want to be informed so that I can know whether I need to be watchful for consequences. Even though most adults have sex, the social fiction is to pretend that it’s not happening and relatively benign things can trigger intense reactions if they relate to sex. The wide consensus is no, so I am going to continue living my life without thinking much about this at all.

        And honestly I’m a buzzcut bisexual butch, so it’s not like I’m some midcentury Idéal Woman besides this. A few bruises are pretty low priority if someone feels like being a busybody.

        Reply ↓
    2. metadata minion*

      If a coworker of mine is into BSDM, I genuinely hope they’re having a blast. But I don’t want to know about it, because we’re not on “talking about our sex lives” terms. I wouldn’t be Horribly Scandalized if I found out by accident, but I usually operate on the polite assumption that I and my coworkers are all featureless Ken dolls while at work, unless our sex lives are by some weird chance actually relevant at work. Someone being in a relationship that presumably involves sex is very different from learning exactly what they enjoy doing in bed together.

      Reply ↓
    3. Frosty*

      I said this up-thread, but if someone is marked up by bruises, welts, cuts etc. we can say people should mind their own business, but we know in reality that they won’t always.

      People can perceive these marks as evidence of abuse or domestic violence. This could lead to opinions about you, whether or not they are expressed. You or your partner could be seen as abusive, and lose out on promotions etc.

      If you engage in BDSM that leaves lingering evidence (writing in marker on the body, or branding etc. etc.) and you have to change in front of people at work, you may want to reduce those activities until you have a stretch of time off and can heal.

      If we’re talking a hickey here or there, you’re probably fine not to worry about it. If it’s more intense, then it’s a very realistic thing to be concerned about.

      Reply ↓
    4. peter b*

      The societal judgement and discrimination isn’t “fine” at all, but choosing to be discreet for your own safety and comfort given the context of judgement and discrimination is. It is fine for people to protect themselves by staying in the closet, even if that shouldn’t be a choice they need to make and we should work to make it so no one has to. This is doubly true of something far more trivial than a marginalized identity, like having hickies.

      Reply ↓
    5. Head Sheep Counter*

      I don’t the expectation is that a colleague would attack you for bruising that looks suspicious. I think the expectation is that a colleague might have concerns which include approaching you and or raising to HR.

      Reply ↓
  35. never sure what to do*

    I have really struggled with the underlying problem faced by OP1: The staff member who wants to do writing work but is, in fact, not very good at writing. This has come up for me multiple times, so I wonder if it’s common for people who (a) enjoy writing, (b) are good enough at writing that they probably did well in high school English or Freshman Comp, but (c) don’t have the flair, ear, or other talents needed for truly good writing to (d) feel so confident about their writing that they don’t think they need help and thus don’t improve with coaching. I can think of three past staff members who all thought of themselves as excellent writers but didn’t improve with coaching. I’ve taught writing and seen students improve dramatically with the same coaching. Similarly, employees who don’t think of themselves as excellent writers also improve with coaching. So, I’m thinking it’s maybe an ego thing or something about thinking of themselves as people who couldn’t possibly need help with writing that gets in the way.

    Reply ↓
    1. Shipbuilding Techniques*

      This is an interesting point and makes sense when I think of some people I know.

      What kind of coaching do you do that yields results? I have always assumed that writing was an innate ability–you have it or you don’t–but then again, I have never tried working with anyone to improve.

      Reply ↓
    2. Coverage Associate*

      As someone with writing responsibilities as part of my profession, this is helpful, to learn that it can be taught.

      I like to think that I am pretty good at learning my bosses’ written voices quickly, but I can say that working for Americans but writing for Britain has been a challenge. Not spelling or anything I could learn from reading novels, but I sometimes feel I have to forget everything I have been taught since grade school about never using a fancy word when a plain one will do, and never writing 3 sentences when 1 will do.

      Reply ↓
  36. FunkyMunky*

    LW4 – I’d block her number everywhere except text msgs. and then also tell her you don’t check them during the day/work day

    Reply ↓
  38. Overthinking It*

    Pimple patches – unless you can pass them off as bandages – just strike me a Wrong at Work. The purpose is to make the purple go away, right, so you look better, but the patches make you look worse, right? So, it shows that while you want to look good for someone, you don’t care about looking your best for your colleagues. It’s just disrespectful to dress in a way that says “I care about my looks, I just don’t care about how i look to YOU. (Reminds me of the 60s, when women started to feel free to go out in public in curlers. It was ghastly; and so many never seemed to take them off. What was the important event they had to curl their hair for? Nobody knew.

    Reply ↓
    2. I should really pick a name*

      How do they make you look worse? (assuming a neutral coloured, opaque patch)

      So, it shows that while you want to look good for someone, you don’t care about looking your best for your colleague

      I care about my looks, I just don’t care about how i look to YOU

      You can choose to interpret it that way if you like, but I don’t know why you would.

      Reply ↓
    3. Don't You Call Me Lady*

      My family had to cut ties with my grandmother back in 1971 because she refused to stop wearing curlers outside. It was sad because we loved her but it was the right thing to do

      Reply ↓
      2. Curlers & Patches*

        Family lore says that I had an aunt who wore an apron to the supermarket in August of 1967. The whole family had to change their names and relocate out of shame.

        Reply ↓
    5. Hannaconda*

      I don’t think it’s a given that the patches make you look worse! I think that’s maybe where part of the generational divide is. My 19 year old niece wears the colorful star-shaped ones in public all the time (though I don’t know if she wears them to work). And yes, that’s to help with healing, but she probably also feels that it looks better to others/less embarrassing to her than having a visible pimple, especially if it’s a particularly large or inflamed one. I’m a millenial (late 30s) & I certainly wouldn’t wear a colorful one to work, but I’d probably wear a skin-tone or clear one – and I wouldn’t be too shocked to see one of my younger coworkers wearing one. More admiring of their lack of self-consciousness! But I do also work in quite a casual office, so like Alison says – it really depends on the culture of the office.

      But also, regarding the curlers thing – I don’t expect strangers to look any kind of way for me in public, apart from basic decency (i.e. not nude). At work, of course there is a higher professional standard, but a lady in curlers at the grocery store really doesn’t bother me at all. She doesn’t owe me anything – if she’s comfortable, that’s fine & none of my business. I see a lot of young girls now (including my 13 year old niece) wearing their hair bonnets to Walgreens or whatever – I would have been far too insecure at that age, and I love that they don’t care if a stranger is judging them on their appearance, so more power to ’em I say!

      Reply ↓
    6. AMH*

      “It’s just disrespectful to dress in a way that says “I care about my looks, I just don’t care about how i look to YOU. ” I find your comment far more disrespectful than someone showing up in a dozen sparkly pimple patches would ever be. Perhaps reframe it for yourself — pimples are often painful, so this is a way to treat that — it’s medical, not fashion. And also maybe reframe the idea that people should dress themselves solely to look good to you.

      Reply ↓
    7. Jennifer Strange*

      What was the important event they had to curl their hair for? Nobody knew.

      Probably because it wasn’t anyone’s business but the woman wearing them.

      Reply ↓
    8. metadata minion*

      I *don’t* care how I look to anyone else (with a very few exceptions), other than looking reasonably neat and clean and not showing any private bits. I’m not dressing to beautify the world for other people. I think that people look silly in curlers, but I’m sure they think I look silly in some of my outfits. We survive and get on with our grocery shopping.

      Reply ↓
    9. metadata minion*

      Also, for plenty of people the point is to make the pimple go away so that it doesn’t hurt and you no longer have a thing on your face that might get infected. Yes, I think I look better when my skin isn’t breaking out, but that’s a fairly minor concern.

      Reply ↓
    10. Atalanta0jess*

      They LITERALLY are bandages. They aren’t being passed off as anything. They are hydrocolloidal bandages that treat acne.

      And looking your best for your colleagues is perhaps one of the most off the wall phrases I have ever heard. That’s…….like….buddy, I’m at a loss for words.

      The only thing ghastly here is your attitude.

      Reply ↓
    11. bamcheeks*

      DO the patches make you look worse? Like, in what way is a small clear or opaque patch that (hopefully) matches your skin worse than a spot? Genuinely not understanding why you’d rather see someone with a spot than someone with a patch over it, unless you have a weird spot fetish.

      Reply ↓
    12. bee*

      Presumably if I’m wearing a pimple patch at work, once the pimple is gone I will stop wearing the pimple patch to work. Like, it’s probably not be about “looking good for somebody else,” it’s about minimizing the time there’s an inflamed, pussy pimple on my face. In the long run, I will look look better/ have visible acne less often at my workplace if I put a pimple patch on earlier on.

      Also, why do you want people to look good for you? They’re your coworkers.

      Reply ↓
    14. DramaQ*

      By jove you’re right! I don’t care what I look like to YOU because it is none of your darn business.

      And believe me with hormonal cystic acne you would much prefer to see an acne patch than what is lurking underneath it. I’ve thought about naming a couple of them they got so big and stuck around for so long.

      Reply ↓
    15. Insert Clever Name Here*

      They are bandages though, so…

      But good to know that a stranger on the internet would rather see the large, weeping zit I have right now instead of the pimple patch over it! I really enjoyed that laugh.

      Reply ↓
    16. iglwif*

      Wow, bud.

      First of all, pimple patches are bandages, so no “passing off as” is needed.

      Second of all, I suspect you’re in the minority in thinking people look better with big angry face pimples than with pimple patches.

      Third of all, we may owe it to our coworkers and customers to be presentable at work — clean, reasonably tidy, dressed for work (whatever that means in our specific context) — but we certainly do not owe it to them to look our best for them, and it’s quite odd to suggest that covering up a pimple on one’s face is disrespectful to the people around one. (That’s if people even notice you’re wearing pimple patches, which a large proportion of them won’t.)

      Reply ↓
  39. Rage*

    An amusing story for OP#2:

    I used to own a gigantic English mastiff, Diesel (named because he was as strong as a Mac truck and had smelly exhaust). Deez’s tail was rather a force unto itself and his joyous greetings (or just happy wags during regular walks) left me with these odd, crescent-shaped bruises on my outer thighs. I rarely wore shorts that were short enough so you could really see all of them, but I did comment one time to a friend that I looked like somebody had beaten me with a rubber hose.

    One day, that same friend and I were at the YMCA for a bit of a swim. We were changing in the locker room and this random woman came up to me and…handed me a brochure for the local DV shelter. She said “I saw your legs and I want you to be OK.”

    She must have been very confused when my friend about fell off the bench laughing. We did eventually manage to get her to understand that 1) the only male in my life was, indeed, a dog; 2) the thing that was causing the injuries was, indeed, said dog’s tail; and 3) while we appreciated her compassion and concern, I was really and truly safe (because said dog would have probably ripped apart anybody who laid a finger on me).

    Deez went to the big dog park in the sky 7 years ago, and I still miss him every day. He was the best dog I ever had.

    Reply ↓
    1. Nightengale*

      or awhile I had these chronic mystery bruises right above my knees. I tend to wear longer skirts so no one else ever saw them. But I couldn’t identify the cause. They were too high for my bed frame. They were too low for my table. I walked all over my apartment trying to match the height of the bruise with something.

      Finally I realized that the laptop bag I often carried at the time was thumping on my upper leg with each step at just that height.

      Reply ↓
  40. bee*

    The pimple patch question is a really interesting one! It does seem to me like clear or skin-tone pimple patches are on the way to being fully normalized in the workplace outside of meetings/presentations/etc. that require a high degree of polish.

    Part of the reason this is such an interesting topic to me is that how acne is perceived in the workplace is such a nuanced and evolving topic. Acne is not a condition fully within anyone’s control, but historical expectations for women involved taking time to cover it up with makeup. But covering a pimple with makeup isn’t good for the healing of the pimple! Makeup coverage for acne sometimes requires a lot of skill— I’ve definitely had pimples that looked much more noticeable after I tried to put concealer on them.

    I feel like pimple patches are a the best of all worlds— I don’t need to spend 30 minutes trying to conceal this pimple, the people I work with are not having to see my pimple at it’s grossest, AND the patch is helping the pimple heal more quickly.

    Reply ↓
  41. Yankees fans are awesome!*

    Older Gen Xer here, and I wouldn’t give pimple patches a second thought if I saw someone wearing them, whether in person or virtually.

    Reply ↓
  42. soontoberetired*

    As someone who has been wearing an actual bandage on my face for 2 weeks, I can say no one has said a word about it to me. In 4 weeks the bandage will be replaced by a bigger one, and I still expect no one will say a word to me about it. (skin cancer – biopsy bandaged right now, removal in a month).

    Reply ↓
  43. Pay no attention...*

    #1 I always wonder on questions like this where the evaluation of skill or talent can be so subjective — is Mindy a Bad Writer, or just bad at writing the type of communications the OP’s org needs? It’s interesting that the OP says she would be good at marketing. I’m in MarCom (non-profit, higher ed). At my org we have a writer who is great at journalistic writing — killer press releases all day long — but can’t really do a compelling long-form story. We have separate writers for recruitment vs. fundraising vs. social media, or web content, etc. I don’t think we would really want one person writing for all of these channels.

    Reply ↓
    1. Coverage Associate*

      I hear you. I recently had to switch from my usual reports to specific people about a specific issue to more of a press release type of writing, and it was hard! And honestly I have always gotten positive feedback on my writing.

      There’s a comment from a writing teacher above, who confirms that writing can be taught, but that writers can be stubborn about feedback.

      But I also wonder about a writing jack of all trades job. I know that they exist. Don’t know if Mindy has one. Even in my job I have analytical v persuasive writing. If Mindy is being asked to do many kinds of writing, the failure to progress would make sense. She doesn’t get enough examples or practice on any one kind of writing or project.

      Reply ↓
  44. Sharon*

    LW #4 have you tried talking to your boss and agreeing on the designated way to reach you after-hours if needed? Personally, I’m in favor of an actual phone call because it tends to make people think about whether or not it’s really urgent. I don’t monitor any sort of messages after hours.

    Reply ↓
  45. Hedgehug*

    #3
    Three days ago I had to go to the post office, and I noticed the girl was wearing a pimple patch on her cheek. It was clear, so I didn’t immediately notice it. As a customer, my only thought was to ask her if she liked them and felt they worked well, but I was too shy, lol.

    Reply ↓
    1. iglwif*

      Haha this would be me too!

      My 22yo daughter has used them for a while and she thinks they work great. Obviously YMMV but that’s one data point!

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  46. What's the move here?*

    I work in academia and have a new faculty colleague. She came from a very difficult situation in her previous position. She has referred to her experiences as trauma and it’s become clear to me and others I work with that she has a lot of trouble trusting people. I am sympathetic to this and have made efforts to be supportive of her comments in meetings, transparent in my communications with her, and to do what I say I’m going to do. It’s difficult to tell if this effort has made much difference. She seems increasingly unhappy at work and has reported to my colleague that she feels isolated – but part of that can be attributed to her being very critical of others. I’m at a point where I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and twisting myself in knots to make sure I don’t upset her…and also at a point where I’m not willing to put in much more effort to prove to her that I’m not out to get her. I’m mostly limiting my contact with her to necessary work email to avoid awkward encounters, but that may be feeding into her feelings of isolation. Not sure what the move is here. Thoughts?

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  47. Resentful Oreos*

    Pimple patches are fine! I think the clear ones are so discreet that it’s hard to tell if someone is wearing one unless you really look. So, pimple patch away! I think it’s better to have a bandage than an open wound on one’s face. If someone gets a mole or a skin cancer removed, of course they are going to wear a bandage. I don’t think it matters.

    Where I draw the line is anything that a toddler would wear. No Dora the Explorer, SpongeBob, doggies, duckies, or pastels. That’s too much “Manic Pixie Dream Employee” for me. Wear your clear patch, for all I care wear a sparkly star or heart, but no “kid stuff.”

    Mindy: I’m with those who wonder why it has taken so long for the LW and others to conclude that her writing is not up to snuff, especially if she has multiple degrees in the subject. Have standards all of a sudden tightened? Has writing become a bigger part of Mindy’s job than in the past? Is there a new boss who is casting a more critical eye? If Mindy has all those writing-related degrees, perhaps, as someone noted upstream, she’s a good writer but the wrong kind of writer. Or she was good enough to get her degree (because yes, C’s do get degrees) but writing-based jobs are so competitive that straight-A ninja Jedi rockstars are the norm, not the exception? Either way it might not be possible to break the news to Mindy, *after all these years*, in a way that won’t cause hard feelings.

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    2. Insert Clever Name Here*

      I might not choose to wear so-called “kid stuff” but I truly do not think I could muster the energy to care if one of my coworkers did! Any bandaid or pimple patch in a storm, as it were.

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  48. Anon Right Now*

    #2 – I’m a lawyer. I once ran into the local presiding judge in the locker room of the gym we both attend. We both said hello and nodded politely, and understood that we both wear underpants and moved on with our days.

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    1. the Viking Diva*

      I feel like “The judge wears underpants” could be a good leveling device in some circumstances (said privately to oneself, only, ever)

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