coworker is making our friend break-up really weird, LinkedIn sob stories, and more

by Alison Green on April 15, 2025

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker is making our friend break-up really weird

I have a coworker who I was friends with outside of work for about a year. Due to various issues inside and outside of work (complaining about coworkers over Teams, asking the same basic questions over and over, not doing any bare-minimum problem-solving before asking for help, expecting a lot of emotional support while not providing it back, and just a lot of emotional immaturity), I ended our friendship last July with no possibility of being friends again. We’re in the same department and have almost identical schedules, so we still have to interact every day. Our managers are aware we were friends and I had issues with him, though I protected him maybe more than I should have and didn’t say anything about his complaining about coworkers. I had one issue with him right after ending the friendship where he was monitoring my breaks and tried to confront me on Teams. I went to management about it and haven’t had any other similar issues.

He does still act really weird around me, though. He won’t make eye contact, he flinches when he sees me and doesn’t expect to or shrinks up when he walks past me like he’s expecting me to lash out, and will only talk to me over Teams, even to say thanks for helping him with something. He’s asked another coworker how to “get over his fear of another coworker.” I’ve never threatened him or even raised my voice at him. Right before I ended the friendship I snapped at him once and was irritable with him, but I’ve never been particularly mean and since ending the friendship I’ve been professional, though not very warm. I assume he’s scared that I’ll try to get him fired since I know he’s particularly anxious about that (asking me for constant reassurance about any judgment call or small mistake was one of my big issues with him).

I’ve just been kind of rolling my eyes internally at his behavior, but it’s been months and it’s getting old. His communication with me is pretty inefficient, but overall it doesn’t hinder my work that much and seemingly vice versa. I don’t avoid any of my job duties that involve interacting with him. However, whenever something comes up in our work where he needs to be corrected, I don’t feel like I can go to him directly (I don’t supervise him but I outrank him and there are forms he sometimes has to fill out that go to me). When I was friends with him, if I asked him to communicate with me differently or set some kind of boundary, it would just make him more nervous and he would either avoid me or ask for more reassurance. I don’t really think that asking him to act normal around me will help. Is there anything I can really do at this point? Or do I just have to accept this as part of the job now?

It doesn’t sounds like there’s anything you need to do (or could do, for that matter). In fact, this is a situation where, if you let it, the burden can be all on your coworker’s side. He’s the one feeling weird and anxious and flinching when he sees you … but you can just carry on as usual and let him feel however he’s going to feel about that. I know that’s easier said than done — when someone is reacting to you like this it’s hard not to think you have to modify your own behavior in some way — but you actually don’t! You can operate completely normally. For example, if you need to give him feedback, give him feedback. If he has feelings about that, so be it. As long as he’s not getting in the way of you doing your job, the best approach is to just decline to tiptoe around whatever is going on with him.

If it does get to the point where it’s affecting your work or his, that’ something you’d need to raise with his manager. But otherwise, operate the way you normally would and let him deal with that however he’s going to deal with it.

2. My job is really flexible but it also sucks — is it time to go?

I work remotely for a very small federally funded nonprofit, in a position that’s a step below my skillset and pay grade, with no upward mobility. I started it two years ago when I was desperate to find anything while unemployed. It’s not challenging or interesting, but I’ve really liked the people I worked under and the company’s mission, and I can perform most of the functions in my sleep. The hours are flexible enough that so long as I’m available 10 to 6, it doesn’t matter if I don’t log in right on the hour or a little later, or take time during the day to run a short errand. I’ve been content to hang around however long they needed me, even though I’ve been bored out of my skull and could really use a pay bump. My wife makes enough that we aren’t in the hole every paycheck, but only just barely — we have no savings.

In the past few months, both people I’d been working under have left, and this has resulted in a culture shift. I still have some of the same flexibility as before, but the new department head has a more traditional management and communication style than I’m used to. I’ve gone from communicating mostly through Slack and email to getting phone calls out of the blue and my days filled with Zoom meetings, and I’m shocked at how miserable even that shift is making me. I’ve also been feeling overly scrutinized, any questions I have are met with condescension and the implication I should know the answer already, and today I was given a new duty that is way out of my skillset that I would have never in a million years signed up to do (and when I voiced my discomfort I was told, “You just have to practice and you’ll get good at it”).

I have a feeling it might be time to move on and find something more along my desired career path — but when I brought it up to my wife, the idea of potentially disrupting our fragile financial stability by changing jobs really freaked her out, so I don’t have anyone to bounce my thoughts off of. (Not to mention any time now the DOGE axe could fall on our only funding source, and then the decision will be made for me.)

I’ve been pretty spoiled with how easy and flexible this job has been so far, even with all the changes. What if all the things I’m starting to hate at my current job are just what I’d be dealing with at the next job anyway? I have no official educational background in my field (just experience), some major knowledge gaps, and am very out of practice after languishing for two years. Do I really want to leave my organization in the lurch and run all the risks that taking a new job entails … for a position I may not even be good at anymore? What if the job I have now is the best I could hope for? Do I suck it up and deal with these changes in exchange for flexibility and a light mental load? Or do I strike out for greener pastures and risk falling on my face in cow dung?

You should job search. The reasons you’ve stayed in a job that’s below your qualifications and doesn’t pay enough are now disappearing, so the calculus on this job doesn’t makes sense anymore. Moreover, since your job’s funding is now precarious, it would make sense to be looking around at options in case you need them even if you were still super happy with the work and the people. Which you’re not.

Job-searching doesn’t commit you to taking a new job just because it’s offered to you. You can be picky, you can ask probing questions about their culture, and you can do your due diligence to ensure that move is right for you. But given all you described, it would be foolish not to start looking.

3. Reaching out to very old work contacts when I have a serious diagnosis

I’m finishing up treatment for my second cancer in five years. This second (completely different) cancer has a high chance of recurrence in the next two years. So while I’m gaining energy and feeling grateful for still living on the planet, I’m also thinking about some past work colleagues. Fortunately, I’ve enjoyed a wonderful 40-year career with some fantastic people who have made a real difference in my life. I would like to reach out to them, somehow.

For the more recent folks in the past 10-15 years or so, I have email addresses and could use this to contact them. Do I just say something like, “Thanks for the impact you’ve had on my life. You have been special to me”? Is this too weird? Too sentimental? The majority of these people have no idea of my fight against cancer.

For the more distant people, from 25-35 years ago, I do not have email addresses. I could possibly figure out mail addresses and send a hard copy letter. Most are retired now. I have not been in contact with some of them for many years. Should I drop off this section of people, as long out of touch colleagues? If not, should I preface a letter with more info, like my career timeline, since I’ve likely not connected with these folks for a few decades? Is it still too weird to reach out to long-lost contacts to say how they improved my work life a long time ago?

I’ve toyed with the idea of hosting a happy hour/afternoon tea for work colleagues and inviting anyone I could contact. I could end the email or letter with this invite. Again, this means people I’ve not been in touch with for at least 10 and possibly 25-30 years. I did not get the opportunity to have a retirement party when I stopped working, so I think that is part of it. I would like to say good bye to these people, but I don’t want to seem morbid or too odd. Your thoughts?

I think contacting any or all of them with a message about the impact they’ve had on your life and/or career would be lovely! You don’t need to explain your health situation, although you can if you want to. You don’t need to include a career timeline for the longer-ago people who won’t know it; you’re not writing to update them on what you’ve done in the last couple of decades, but to tell them about the impact they had on you. (Some of the career timeline stuff might come up organically in doing that, but don’t feel you need to provide your job history just for the sake of catching them up.) That said, if it will take detective work to track down addresses, it might be more practical to leave those people out — but it depends on how strongly you feel about the impact they had on you.

A happy hour or tea is also a nice idea if a lot of the people are local to you. I would probably get back in touch with people first, partly to gauge potential interest, but I don’t think you have to do that first.

4. Do LinkedIn sob stories turn off hiring managers?

Do LinkedIn sob stories turn hiring managers off?

I keep seeing very emotional posts on LinkedIn as people talk of their desperate job searches, mortgages to pay, mouths to feed, with not even a whiff of an interview, despite searching day after day.

As someone who hires people for my own team, I can’t help but think such vulnerability is counterintuitive. Rather than appear as an emotional wreck burnt out from months of fruitless applying, surely it’s more important than ever to keep the game face on and sell your skills with composure.

I want to know (or at least believe) you are ready to hit the ground running, as well as that you want the position I’m offering (not just any job that comes available). I want to hire you because you’re the best person for the job, not because you are about to lose your house.

This isn’t about being cold and callous but, rather, when times are tough, don’t do anything to work further against you. There are other private platforms to vent and fret if needs be.

Yes, this is much more likely to hurt someone’s job search than to help it. Employers want to hire the best person for the job, not the person most in need of it, and candidates who appear bitter, pessimistic, or cynical are making themselves much less appealing. And that’s before we get into making employers worry that there’s some reason that all those other employers have passed on you. (That doesn’t mean there is! But it’s not helpful to raise that question.) It can also make you look like you have poor boundaries regarding what you share online and where you share it.

Yes, this job market sucks and it’s demoralizing to apply for months without getting anywhere, and being unemployed can be incredibly scary and understandably makes people feel desperate. But LinkedIn is not the platform to talk about that; it’s a place to put your best professional foot forward.

Related:
does posting sob stories on LinkedIn hurt your job search?

5. Should my company fly my family to see me during an international assignment?

My company would like me to work in our office in Europe for six months (I am normally based in the U.S.). As part of this, I asked that they cover airfare for my wife and son, since they will need to accompany me (spending six months apart is not in the cards). My company is refusing to cover their airfare. I find this kind of insulting, but I’m wondering if I’m off-base here. Is it common for companies to cover travel expenses for family members on assignments like this?

Some companies do cover travel expenses for spouses and children when you’re on a long-term assignment, but many don’t. Often if they do, the assignment needs to be over a certain period of time (six months is right around the time you often see it kick in, if it’s going to). But I don’t think it’s particularly insulting if it’s not something they do; many companies don’t. That said, if you have flexibility in whether you go or not, you could try making it clear that your ability to accept the assignment would hinge on this.

Alternately, would they pay for you to fly back home a couple of times during that six-month period, instead of flying your family out to you?

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{ 352 comments }

{ 352 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Daria grace*

    #2 if you’re job is at risk of getting hit by Doge, it’s even more important that you start you job hunt now. Better to have your job hunt well underway ahead of time rather than starting from scratch at the same time as a bunch of people with similar experience are re-entering the job market

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    1. Sloanicota*

      Yep. These “what ifs” the OP is worried about are just anxiety, in my experience, because “new job” is so nebulous and that can feel very scary. But once you’re actually looking at a concrete job, you can make a good and grounded decision for yourself. So you have to start off while it’s still scary and push through that part for a while. Set a goal of applying to one job a day or three a week or whatever sounds good to you and focus on getting the applications out for a while – don’t overthink the next steps right now, just get them out. I’m sorry the market isn’t better so honestly just finding enough decent things to apply to will probably be work enough.

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      1. Melissa*

        #2 OP here: yall are so right. I reached a bit of a breaking point a few days after sending the question and I think I applied to 10+ jobs over the weekend. I do have major knowledge gaps for my desired career path, which I tripped and fell into at an old job, but I’ve been talking to some friends in zimilar fields to figure out what exact “title” I should be looking for

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        2. Lenora Rose*

          That’s good to hear! Good luck.

          I was a little concerned to hear your wife was that upset at the idea of searching. I hope that’s resolved (I mean, I’d be deeply concerned if my partner was planning to quit then job search, but job searching alone doesn’t mean anything but seeing what’s out there.)

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          1. Melissa*

            She was more upset when I had brought up the possibility a few months ago (before DOGE and my manager leaving), and I brought it up after sending this letter and she’s pretty much in agreement with Alison. She’s had some pretty bad experiences with job changes that have gone horribly south (both for herself and in her family) so it’s not out of nowhere, but she’s less anxious about it now that things are demonstrably worse lol

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        3. Wilbur*

          I think it helps to think about 2/5/10 years down the road as well. If you’re still at this job in 2 years (even if nothing changes in terms of flexibility), how is that going to impact the life you want? Is your spouse going to be earning enough to have some savings put away? Will you have enough vacation/pay to support your lifestyle/hobbies? If you move will that put you in a position to retire earlier or more comfortably? Personally I’m starting get more of the weird creaks and squeaks in my knees so I’ve been thinking about how I want to still be pretty active at the time I retire.

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        4. Funfetti*

          Also I find as I start searching – I kind of stumble into other jobs to apply for along the way. Like maybe I start off searching “Llama Project Manager” but then by luck I find “Llama Procurer” which also has skills I have or in a company I’d like to be with. I guess is the search – LinkedIn algorithm – has been good at unearthing other opportunities that help broaden my reach while also utilizing the same resume (with tweaks as needed).

          I’ll tell you my last search when I applied for EVERYTHING was exhausting because I felt like I was constantly having to overhaul my resume/cover letter and getting no where. Being more strategic while being open minded this time has been much better in terms of success rate for interviews and mental health that I’m not killing myself over every application.

          As you also just found, job searching is its own muscle you need to get active again so good for you for just hopping to it!

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          1. Melissa*

            Yeah for a while what I thought I was looking for was teapot sales analyst when really what I want is more in the realm of teapot production, and I did this exact thing and started finding stuff more aligned with my skillset.

            Job search is certainly a muscle. With the layoff in 2023 I had sort of seen it coming and immediately started looking and power-applying. I ended up not even having a gap in paychecks.

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        5. Slow Gin Lizz*

          Good luck! I’ve found that when I’ve been in situations where I was looking for a job because I wasn’t totally satisfied where I was and not because I NEEDED a job, I was able to be a lot calmer about it and only apply to jobs that really sounded like a good fit. If there was even the slightest thing that I wasn’t all that happy about (hybrid work set-up, vs. FT WFH, for instance) then I just didn’t apply. In the past I used to fling my resume out willy nilly and hope it stuck somewhere but as I learn more about myself and my working style (and my newly diagnosed ADHD) I have gotten a lot pickier about where I’ll even consider working. And I too am in a job/field that I learned entirely on the job and don’t have any real formal training in, but a lot of places are just fine with that! I was at a couple of nonprofits where they were just happy to have someone who knew the platform and was willing to fill in their knowledge gaps when necessary.

          You said you are often bored at your job – does this mean you have a lot of downtime after you complete your daily tasks? Are you able to use this downtime to learn more about your field and get more experience/knowledge that might help you in your next job? You may not, but if you do, highly suggest you do that!

          I left my last nonprofit 100% because of a nightmare coworker. The job had been fine, I was underpaid but willing to deal because flexibility (sound familiar?) and a great supervisor, but once the nightmare coworker started and leadership refused to do anything about her nightmarishness, I knew I had to get out. She somehow convinced leadership that she should be in charge of my area instead of the other leadership person who’d been doing it for years, and also that we shouldn’t make any changes in the system even when we were in the middle of a project that was supposed to do exactly that. So, with nothing else to do but my super easy daily tasks that most days were done in an hour or less, I decided to study up and get my certification in the software we used, then got a new job. I miss my old supervisor a ton but absolutely made the best decision to leave that place. And I got a 40% pay increase too, which after almost 25 years of barely scraping by (my entire adult life), was really excellent.

          TL, DR: OP, you CAN find a new position that pays more, I have faith in you! I know the market is a disaster right now, but I still believe you can find something you like better.

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          1. Melissa*

            OP here and OMG I think I’m dealing with the same thing. My actual direct manager is fine (almost *too* hands off tbh), but the person who replaced my old manager, while not directly managing me, is who is actually making my life hell.

            I find my job boring in the sense that I find the actual tasks that I have to do very boring – sometimes that’s a good thing, when I can’t always turn my brain on it’s been good to still be able to do a decent job – but lately I’ve been really checked out and honestly not trying super hard because of how mind-numbing it is. And, yeah, I also have a lot of downtime! I’ve even asked if I could take things off people’s hands but the closest I got to this was this new duty (it was cold calling people. absolute 100% yikes).

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        6. Hannah Lee*

          Hi OP! Thanks for the update, great to hear you’re started to send out applications.

          Also, I was really glad to see this “I’ve been talking to some friends in zimilar fields to figure out what exact “title” I should be looking for” because when you said you didn’t have anyone to bounce stuff off of, I was worried for you that you didn’t have any sounding boards in your life beyond your wife.

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          1. Melissa*

            (OP Here) Oh that’s sweet. Yeah, I’ve got sounding boards that all have their own perspectives and such, but I like my wife the best lol

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      2. Baunilha*

        Agreed! I felt the exact same thing at my previous job, worrying that the next one would be just as bad, but worse because it’d be an unknown quantity.
        Turns out it was just my anxiety talking, and moving on from that job was actually a good thing.

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    2. Momma Bear*

      I once had a job where the office dwindled from about 30 to 5. One day my coworker asked, “Should I be looking for a new job?” I said she should have already been looking. OP#2, please start now. Your wife’s worries are all the more reason to look and find a good job, not just a job. Life isn’t going to get any cheaper even if you don’t get laid off.

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    3. learnedthehardway*

      Agreeing – for anyone looking at the potential for downsizing for any reason – get your resume updated and start taking a look around.

      For the OP in particular – you’re looking at not only potential downsizing (that’s totally arbitrary), but you’re also bored in your role (and unhappy with the recent changes in your work/life balance). You’re going to want to find a role that motivates you, pays you better than you’re currently earning, in an industry that is stable/growing, and with a company that has a good culture and future career prospects. That’s going to take awhile to find.

      I wouldn’t quit your job until you have something else, but I also wouldn’t sit around to find out what is going to happen.

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    4. Lisa*

      Agree with this. My reaction to “the idea of potentially disrupting our fragile financial stability by changing jobs really freaked her out” is “If you’re at a small federally-funded nonprofit, you don’t actually have financial stability.”

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    6. Quill*

      Even if you’re not at risk now… job hunt. Applications will continue to flood in and there is no guarantee that your department will not be at risk tomorrow.

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  2. Dinoweeds*

    LW 1 – you are doing A Lot of emotional work on behalf of this person. Alison is right saying that this should be his burden to carry, not yours. Keep acting like a professional adult and let this rest be his problem.

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    1. allathian*

      I absolutely agree with this. And not to pile on the LW who I’m sure has learned something from this experience, but becoming close friends with a coworker can be as difficult as dating a coworker if the friendship goes south the way this one has.

      And yeah, any sign of the potential friend being emotionally needy and I’m noping out of the potential friendship.

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      1. Kaiko*

        Sorry, just to confirm: your friends can’t come to your with their emotional needs? What do you base your friendships off of? Who do you go to with your own emotional needs?

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        1. Expelliarmus*

          My understanding is that the emotional need thing is just for work friends, so allathian is willing to have non-work friends look for emotional need satisfaction, but keeps work friends more at arm’s length.

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        2. Thegs*

          I would say there’s a difference between being needy and having needs. I’m no psychologist but needy is like… requiring constant validation. It might stem from a poor sense of self, a lack of confidence, whatever. These aren’t really things that a non-professional can solve; building yourself up is ultimately only something you can do. Soothing someone’s neediness can be doing them a disservice if they are not also engaged in addressing the source of their insecurities. It is just treating the symptoms and encouraging further soothing-seeking behavior.

          As someone who has had to distance myself from needy people in the past, it’s tough. I recognize their humanity, their need to feel accepted and seen. And rejection can further exacerbate the underlying causes. As someone who spent a lot of my childhood forced into “the savior” role of the NPD drama triangle it’s hard to recognize that someone hurts but be unable to help them. Because not only can I not “save” everyone, even thinking that I can be the one to “save” someone is disordered thinking from my upbringing. It’s a catch-22; I lack the skill and qualifications to help them, and I don’t know them well enough to suggest they seek out someone who does.

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          1. Friend Break-Up OP*

            This is very much what the situation was. When I tried to back off he took it really personally so I had to just end the friendship, unfortunately.

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            1. Thegs*

              It makes sense. It’s not my place to diagnose strangers but when I was reading your letter I had though, “It sounds like LW’s coworker has rejection sensitivity.” Knowing this as well, I figured I would share that thought. I agree with others that there isn’t really much you can do, unfortunately. If he starts getting too squirrely it might be worthwhile to let your manager know what’s going on (if you haven’t already, of course).

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          2. Bitte Meddler*

            Agreed. I have had to end friendships when the other person’s emotional neediness was the centerpoint around which our relationship rotated. As in, I only existed in their lives as a place to trauma dump, unleash a torrent of negative emotions and reactions, and then tell them that the world / other people were awful but they were shining balls of sunshine and goodness who have only ever been victimized for their kindness. It wasn’t their fault their power was cut off because they never paid their bill, or that they got a speeding ticket, or that they’d scraped their fender on a parking garage wall.

            Gods, I had one friend who I was supposed to do something with on a Saturday but when I called her on Friday night from the ER to tell her I was being admitted for Scary Medical Thing, I had to interrupt her whining about her latest boyfriend’s latest slight to even deliver the urgent medical news. She paused, said, “OK,” and then wailed, “BUT DO YOU THINK JORGE AND I WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS?” punctuated with gasping sobs in between each word.

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            1. Ghost Emoji*

              Goodness, what a person. It’s awful to have a “friend” who only calls to complain. It’s sad, because on some level you do still want to care about the person and hope their circumstances improve, but sometimes you have to distance yourself for your own sake.

              I had someone who only reached out to complain about their relationship issues and didn’t know a thing about my life. The last straw was when I called to tell them my parent had passed away, and we spent five minutes talking about that and an hour and a half on how their newest fling had offended them. I was too numb to react the way they deserved in the moment, but that was definitely our last phone call.

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        3. MigraineMonth*

          I think allathain is talking about a level of emotional neediness that crosses their boundaries. Particularly before a friendship has been established, it’s fine to decide you don’t click with someone or that they need more from you than you’re comfortable with, even if they’re struggling.

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    2. DeliCat*

      Also, if this colleague is physically flinching and asking others how to get over a fear of a coworker it’s perhaps best that communication mostly occurs via Teams, as opposed to in person where conversations can be misrepresented.

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      1. Productivity Pigeon*

        Yeah, that is a pretty extreme reaction that feels pretty manipulative to me.
        Afraid of someone because they ended a friendship?

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        1. MsM*

          To be fair, OP did complain to management about the guy. I’d keep a wide berth with someone who found my behavior that much of a problem, too. (Of course, that would include not making barely-veiled comments about the situation in chat.)

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          1. Lenora Rose*

            I might not be happy or want to talk with someone who complained to management, but I wouldn’t be acting like I was afraid they were going to yell and/or hit me, which is what a flinch reaction sounds like it’s conveying. I get the impression this guy is trying to paint a picture of the OP that turns her into the bad guy in every sense.

            If so, it’s extra important that the OP keeps maintaining professionalism, and does most commentary via email and messaging — I’d be tempted to say make sure there are witnesses if they do have to ask for corrections from him in person.

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      2. Boof*

        I almost think maybe the OP could go the other route of looking startled and asking if there’s a problem every time they see the coworker flinch – trying to keep it low key and short but softly calling out that it’s kind of alarming for someone to visibly flinch and returning mild awkwardness to coworker
        OP certainly knows best if that’s likely to be helpful or harmful or neither
        I tend to think OP shouldn’t get overly invested in changing how they interact with coworker – it sounds like these are unexpected encounters and I don’t think OP should take up too much headspace trying to avoid bumping into a coworker in person.

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    3. Saturday*

      It didn’t sound to me like LW is doing much emotional work now that the friemdship has ended – just that they find the coworker’s behavior annoying.

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      1. Myrin*

        Yeah, the only thing I see which could potentially be labelled “emotional labour” is the part where OP says “whenever something comes up in our work where he needs to be corrected, I don’t feel like I can go to him directly”, in the sense that she feels like she has to think twice about approaching him with routine work matters which she wouldn’t do with any other regular coworker.
        But other than that, she’s just recounting what happened so Alison gets the full picture.
        I don’t know that it makes much of a difference in the end, though.

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        1. Friend Break-Up OP*

          Yeah, a lot of times in more routine work matters I’m okay talking to him/correcting him, but there was a situation recently where there were more than a normal amount of mistakes. I was pretty irritated and trying not to come down too harshly or pile on with the number of mistakes so I ended up going to management about that one. Admittedly it’s partly anticipating that he’ll not respond well and partly doubting myself. I do find his approach to me annoying and childish, and honestly a little hurtful sometimes

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      2. Resume Please*

        My thoughts too. Obviously, it’s normal for LW to have an opinion and feelings regarding the awkwardness and literal flinching directed at them. In real life, the former friend can be avoided and ties can be cut. In a professional office, interactions still need to happen.

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      3. Ginger Cat Lady*

        She is putting a lot of thought into making the work relationship better, and it sounds like he isn’t trying to make things better, he’s just being a drama queen. Probably trying to draw her out into doing something to make him feel better, again.
        Guy sounds like he was just using her to do emotional work for her and is mad she won’t do it any more, and wants to make darn sure she knows she’s not doing what he thinks she’s “supposed to” do for him.
        If I was his manager I’d be telling him to knock it off with the drama and behave better.

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    4. Audrey Puffins*

      Although it could be worth the LW checking in with their manager, just to make sure that they are being perceived as professional. If there’s anything borderline (is the LW sometimes sarcastic? has a slightly darker sense of humour? is the LW from a social background that often gets unfairly accused of being aggressive?) that an uncharitable read could interpret as unprofessional, then it could be useful to make sure that doesn’t get factored in if the co-worker wanted to escalate, or a new manager decided to make a big deal of “fixing” things

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    5. LaminarFlow*

      I agree that this is jilted co-worker’s burden to carry, and that LW should act like a professional adult with him, just as they do with anyone else in the office.

      I also feel that the jilted co-worker’s behavior of recoiling and flinching, etc. when he sees LW is immature, it could signal that he’s attempting to create some sort of bigger conflict within the office/LW. For that reason, I would bring it up to my manager. I would not go into the nitty-gritty details of why the friendship ended. I would focus on the unprofessional behavior that jilted co-worker is displaying towards me.

      During this conversation with my manager, I would reiterate that realistically, co-worker isn’t violating any rules or laws, but their behavior is creepy, and it makes me uncomfortable. Essentially, I would lay the groundwork for if/when jilted co-worker escalates his behavior. Who knows – maybe this man has a few complaints of unprofessional conduct that have been lodged with HR. Or, maybe it will all fizzle out when nobody reacts to his immaturity.

      Reply ↓
  3. Solidarity*

    I’m a little confused on #5: the subject line and Alison’s response read as if the LW wants to company to pay for their family to *visit* them, but the body of the letter sounds like LW expects their family to *relocate* with them (“since they will need to accompany me”).

    Would this make a material difference in the answer?

    Reply ↓
    1. Teapot Connoisseuse*

      If LW5 wants their family to accompany them, it could open up a whole load of extra work for the company in terms of securing visas for the family members as well. There might also be extra expense in renting accommodation large enough for a family, as opposed to a single person. So I wouldn’t be all that hopeful about LW5’s chances of getting their way.

      Reply ↓
      1. allathian*

        I agree.

        And six months really isn’t that long. One of my coworker’s been on job rotation to a sister organization (although he hasn’t moved abroad) for nearly six months and the time’s flown by. Maybe reconsider the whole move if that much of a break from family life is a dealbreaker for you or your wife, LW.

        One of my friends accompanied her then-husband on assignments abroad where his employer paid for everyone’s travel and some living expenses (they had a housing benefit), but his assignments were 18 months to 3 years.

        And even if the LW just means paying their travel expenses to see him, a company’s much more likely to pay his travel expenses to see them.

        Reply ↓
        1. tommy*

          six months really isn’t that long

          well, it’s different for different families. LW says “spending six months apart is not in the cards,” so i believe them.

          Reply ↓
            1. Varthema*

              And yup, it looks like the child is <4 – 6 months is definitely a huge ask for both the LW and an even huger one for them to make to their spouse, and it's weird for the company to assume it isn't.

              Reply ↓
              2. Cabbagepants*

                Well, companies typically don’t think about their employees THAT personally. They will have a standard package for international assignments, with some room to negotiate sometimes, similar to a job offer. Individual life circumstances, like an infant (as opposed to just “a child”) tend to be the employee’s perogative to consider.

                Reply ↓
                1. Varthema*

                  Right, but the way it’s phrased with the “would like me to” makes it sound like it’s not a core part of their job now, it’s just that they’d be useful in that role, which means that there are some human beings in management who know OP, who apparently don’t see an issue with it are pushing back even on AIRFARE, which I maintain in 2025 is either weird (or kind of grossly old-fashioned and patriarchal, if OP is a man and they figure dads can just peace out on their spouse and very small children for half a year).

            2. Turquoisecow*

              I have a four year old and if my husband had to leave for six months that would be a HUGE imposition on me and the kid.

              Reply ↓
          2. DrFrog*

            Agreed. My spouse and I would not do 6 months of family separation. We have jobs where that is not an expectation. It would be unacceptable for an employer to assumer that they could just make one of us functionally a single parent for 6 months. If there was an opportunity, of that length, we would all need to go (and I am working on a 9-12 month relocation for my job, which would entail the family relocating for a year). It is not unreasonable to see a 6 month relocation/family separation as an unacceptable situation.

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          3. Beyond the sea*

            Speaking as a Mom I would not want to be away from my husband and/or kids for 6 months. We know nothing about their life. It could be that it is simply not an option bc its not. They love their family and want to be together. Perhaps one of the family members has a medical condition that would make being apart difficult. Esp if it were the wife or child. Maybe LW simply doesn’t want to miss 6 months of his kid’s life. Esp if the kid is a baby or toddler so many 1st’s could be missed. Walking, Talking, birthdays, school etc.

            Reply ↓
          4. AF Vet*

            The only way I’d put up with being apart from spouse and kids for six months is if one of us deployed to a warzone. Otherwise? There are plenty of jobs, and plenty of capable people who can fill those jobs. My kids only have one Mom… and that’s me.

            Reply ↓
        2. huh*

          “Six months really isn’t that long” is an insane conclusion to come to. We don’t know anything about LW’s life, their family, their background, etc. Being on a different continent from your wife and child for half a year would be a serious impact to many people, and it’s not like he’s just going on some luxury European vacation.

          Reply ↓
          1. DrFrog*

            Exactly. And employers are likely to just assume men can/will leave their family for 6 months and the spouse will just deal with running the household for 6 months. I get that some people may be OK with this set-up and find that the time goes quickly, but it is completely an unreasonable expectation to spring on someone.

            Reply ↓
          2. A Simple Narwhal*

            Agreed! There are circumstances in life where six months isn’t that big of a deal, but relocating internationally when you have responsibilities at home isn’t one of them.

            I’m also not saying it’s impossible or bad to do that, but LW5 said six months of separation is not possible, telling them that amount of time isn’t actually that bad isn’t helpful. It would be one thing if they said “I have a life-changing opportunity that would require me to be overseas for six months, my spouse/family is excited and supportive of it but I’m nervous I’ll be homesick”, then saying that six months will fly by is helpful. But not in this case.

            Reply ↓
          3. Hannah Lee*

            I would also be really wary of being away from family, relocated in a different country from them right now if one of the countries involved is the US. The unpredictability of how US Dept of Homeland Security, other agencies are treating people traveling across borders creates risk that I’m not willing to take that I will be separated from my loved ones in a way that’s beyond my control. (it hasn’t just been non-US citizens in the US or trying to enter the US, people have been detained who are non-US citizens trying to leave the US to go home or visit a 2nd country. Visa status offers no protection. And now the admin is floating the idea of detaining, deporting US citizens as well)

            In normal times, this would nearly be a non-issue, you’d just need to be sure you had the right employer sponsorship, visas, work authorizations, etc. But these are not normal times.

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            1. Quill*

              Yeah, OP, if any leg of this journey is going through the USA and you are not a western european white man… I would consider that.

              Reply ↓
        3. Boof*

          In the past 3 months was about my threshold for severe depression setting in being on my own – is that super annoying and possibly unusual? Sure, I hate being dependent on anyone. Could I tolerate it? Probably. Does online / phone / virtual interaction mitigate it? No, alas. Is it real? It happened consistently enough as a young adult trying to spread my wings that I wouldn’t want to test it again if I had other options. So even if I like being on my own I would definitely avoid having it go beyond 1-2 months without contact with my partner.
          Whether the company should cover that is subject to negotiations; I would think phrasing it as covering “relocation fees” might go further than a “pay for my family” fee, if indeed it’s part of relocation rather than a visit.
          Currently my family accompanies me to many travel conferences, and they mostly do their own thing while I maybe take an extra day or two to see the sights with them before or after the conference. My work only pays for things they’d pay for anyway ie one standard room, my plane tickets – I pay for any extra rooms/upgrades and my family’s tickets. It’s still a semi subsidized vacation in the end though I usually don’t get much time to see the place, it’s more than nothing.

          Reply ↓
        4. KateM*

          Um, are you seeing it from the point of a coworker or a family member? “I have barely noticed my coworker hasn’t been in for almost six months” doesn’t mean that their family members haven’t had a bigger impact on their lives.

          Reply ↓
      2. LabSnep*

        My dad used to go on 6 month+ overseas contracts when I was a kid and the only time we moved was when it was a permanent job overseas.

        It is a lot to upheave kids for 6 months.

        Reply ↓
        1. Emmy Noether*

          I wouldn’t do it with a school age kid under most circumstances. Daycare age is the time to do it. And if the kid is under 1, the primary caregivers are the child’s whole world anyway.

          Reply ↓
        2. Rogue Slime Mold*

          It really depends on the family and kids. With small kids who can’t be left unsupervised, a lot of parents who readily manage a week or two without their traveling spouse would find six months where they are the only adult who needs to handle everything a lot.

          Reply ↓
          1. LabSnep*

            Absolutely! I didn’t realize the child was very young when I posted this and that makes a lot more sense.

            Reply ↓
        3. DrFrog*

          Faculty who have opportunity for sabbatical move kids for 6 months or year long international experiences. I see families with school-aged kids do this every year from my uni (my kiddo has 3 good friends that will be gone next year in various places).

          Reply ↓
        4. Boof*

          Depending on the ages, timing, area, resources; it could also be almost like a study abroad semester – so could be cool for everyone, or a giant PIA for everyone.

          Reply ↓
        5. Joielle*

          My family did it once! I was about 8 and my brother was about 4. My dad’s work sent him abroad for 6 months and we all went along. I’m sure it was a lot of work for my parents to organize, but it was an incredible experience. Exposing kids to other cultures is always a good thing in my book, if you can swing it.

          Reply ↓
      3. JSPA*

        came to say this– 3 months is often the tourist limit (visa or visa waiver), and that presupposes the spouse isn’t working (whether locally or remotely). In that sense, the “not happening” statement is quite likely something the LW can’t just state as fact, unless they’re willing to lose their job over it. And that doesn’t even get into the housing issue.

        Reply ↓
        1. AVP*

          How I’ve typically seen this done for ~6 months or more is that a the company won’t pay for plane tickets for a spouse or child, but will work out the visas for them to be able to stay legally for the contract length. Whether the spouse can work locally throughout the contract duration is really dependent on local laws (in EU I think you can, Asia is harder). Or they can try to slide it in under WFH with odd hours at their regular jobs and not tell the authorities. 1-2br accommodations seem pretty typical, if you need a larger space than that it might be difficult to arrange.

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    3. Confused too*

      I was confused by this as well.

      If OP wants his family to relocate with them, this might mean additional costs and additional planning for the company (different housing for a family than for a single, visa requirements, schooling requirements to obey etc). Of course they want to avoid this if the assignment is relatively short (in contrast to 1- or 3 year-assignments). And from a company perspective, if it was about visiting instead of relocating, it makes more sense to assume OP is visiting their family instead the other way round (flights for 1 person instead of 2).
      All of those surly can be negotiated, but I am not sure why OP finds this “insulting” to begin with.

      Reply ↓
    4. Keyboard Wrangler*

      LW for #5 here. Indeed the intention is for the family to relocate with me, not come visit.

      The main reason I wrote in is that I didn’t actually know what was common in a situation like this, and wanted to get that understanding. It sounds like my mental model was unrealistic, so it’s good to know that.

      Our situation is such that we should be able to make it work without too much extra complication, since my wife doesn’t work and my son is at the day care age, not school age. So we can pull off a 6 month stint in the country in question without additional visas. We are planning to find a day care, but will take on that responsibility ourselves.

      Reply ↓
      1. Emmy Noether*

        Just a note: make sure look into the visa requirements carefully. Pretty much all European countries require visas if they stay for more than 90 days (assuming you are US citizens). Visas are required for entry and stay, work permits are a whole different thing.

        Reply ↓
        1. rebelwithmouseyhair*

          OP is coming over as an ex-pat on a secondment, it will be relatively easy for the spouse to get a visa on the basis of keeping the family together. In France she would automatically have to right to work too.
          (Day care might be hard to find though – especially if you’re upfront about it only being for six months).

          Reply ↓
          1. Emmy Noether*

            Yes, it should be easy in the sense that it will surely be granted. It may even be possible (depending on country) to come in without one and do the paperwork within those 90 Visa free days. It does have to get done though, and you need to look up the rules so you don’t get a nasty surprise.

            For daycare, apply ASAP. Like, right now. Don’t wait until you’re there.

            Reply ↓
            1. MsSolo (UK)*

              Also, if the kid is under 1, it’s going to be harder to find daycare for them in Europe because of the longer parental leave; there are fewer providers for babies because there’s less demand. Over 1 and, at least in cities, it’s going to be pretty similar to the US.

              Reply ↓
              1. Emmy Noether*

                It depends a LOT on where this is. The city I’m in right now, you have a guaranteed (by the city) placement from 3 months old, but it’s expensive. The city I was in before (different country), you had to register at birth (would have done it before but a birth date was required) and be lucky to get a placement at 1 year to 18 months. Very inexpensive, though. Often small towns are easier than bigger cities, but not always. And if you have money to throw at the problem, you can often find a nanny or some other private daycare solution.

                I’ve heard very different stories from different places, so this is one of those things where saying something for “Europe” is meaningless.

                Reply ↓
                1. amoeba*

                  They write in the comments that they’d have to/want to arrange daycare though, guess that’s why people are talking about it here.

                3. TeaCoziesRUs*

                  M, you have no idea about the show and are making really shallow observations. I have been a homemaker who didn’t work outside the home and used daycare. Why?

                  1. We could afford it.
                  2. It gave the kids a chance to hang out with other kids.
                  3. It let me run errands and clean up in peace.
                  4. I was dealing with my own health concerns at the time.

                  6 months in a place with no existing support structure ( i.e. parents, friends, kids’ friends parents, known playdates, etc.) means daycare can become a vital outlet.

          2. The mountains, they call to me*

            Same thing in Italy. Although I believe you apply for the family reunification visa once you’re in Italy and you are allowed to be in Italy, but not work in Italy while it’s processing and it will probably take more than six months to process.

            I don’t think your mental model is unrealistic, OP. I’m pretty confused by the amount of people saying it’s not a big deal to be away from your family for six months (especially with a young child!). It is wholly reasonable to bring your family with you for six months, especially if work and school are not an issue on their side, and a fabulous experience.

            Reply ↓
            1. Roland*

              I don’t see anyone saying it’s nbd, just that they wouldn’t relocate their family for that time span. And that doesn’t mean they all think “go solo, you’ll be ok”, for some of them it might mean “don’t take the gig”. I for one would never relocate a child for 6 months. Of course OP and their spouse can make their own decisions.

              Reply ↓
              1. Jackalope*

                I think the fact that his son is a preschooler or toddler affects the calculus here. At that age most of his community is going to be his parents, and losing Dad for 6 months would be a lot tougher than moving for 6 months. Plus there’s no school to deal with, since 6 months is an awkward amount of time to figure out for schooling.

                Reply ↓
      3. Cabbagepants*

        I think it’s worth asking your company! Especially if it is a large company that sends other employees on multi-year assignments, they may have the systems in place to have you bring your wife and child, and might do it if you ask or negotiate.

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      4. JSPA*

        Your assertion about visas is grounded in research on that particular country? Or an assumption? There are…not a ton of countries that let people pop in for 6 months. Even US passport holders (assuming your wife and child are also US passport holders; if they are dual citizens of (say) some EU country and this is an EU posting, things are much easier.)

        Reply ↓
        1. Nina*

          Yeah, 6 months is on the long side for visa-free entry, and frankly the countries that allow it for my passport are not countries I’d relocate a preschooler to. 3 months is way more common.

          Reply ↓
        2. Lisa*

          I figured they meant the wife wouldn’t need a visa that allowed employment since she doesn’t work. You do still have to get a visa, but it isn’t as hard for an accompanying spouse or minor child.

          Reply ↓
      5. Smithy*

        If you look at the discussion around whether or not 6 months is a long time – I do believe that’s why it’s not a standard accommodation.

        Zero comment on anyone’s specific family situation, there are people who are eager to join spouses/family on certain 1-2 week work trips and others who’d never. I do think that it boils down to an employer wanting to create a standard process for what they’ll financially invest in. And really anything over 3+ months means that the realities of visas come into play, so when is that family separation to a point where they’ll invest across the board in family relocation. Because of that, I do think it’s more common for those on assignment for under a year to receive flights home vs family relocation. And then once you hit year plus, support for family relocation becomes more of a possibility.

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      6. Magpie*

        One other consideration that I haven’t seen mentioned in the comments: if your child is currently in daycare, moving away for 6 months would likely mean giving up that daycare spot, unless you’re willing to continue paying tuition during the time you’re gone. Daycare spots are at such a premium that most daycare providers will not be willing to hold a spot for free. They most likely have waitlists and can easily fill that spot with another child.

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      7. Nina*

        My dad did a lot of this kind of thing when I was a kid.

        The circumstances under which his company was cool with relocating his family as well for one contract were: it was the other side of the planet; he was specifically named in the contract as the person the client wanted; it was for three years; they offered him a FIFO arrangement with three months on and one off and he said that was too much travel; we could all get visas reasonably easily and cheaply.

        Six months is right about the point at which Dad would be expected to either suck it up and deal with going alone, or don’t go at all.

        A full international relocation is a huge deal and involves a lot more than just the airfares; it’s barely worth doing for six months, and probably a lot easier to talk your company into flying you home for a few days once a month.

        In my home country it’s not that unusual for people to just… leave for a few years or a decade, usually in their 20s or 30s, and come back either for Christmas or not at all. I’m doing that now. It’s coming up on 8 months since I saw any of my family, and will be another 8 before I get home to visit. So I was interested in the adamancy that 6 months is a no-go.

        Reply ↓
        1. Happy meal with extra happy*

          But, are you talking about immediate family in your situation (spouse, children) or extended family (e.g. grown children moving away)? This letter contemplates the first, which I think is a different situation, especially if the child is very young. Also, even though some people do live apart from their spouses/young children due to work situations, it’s still understandable why for many people that wouldn’t be the preferred choice if there were other options.

          Reply ↓
          1. Smithy*

            I do think a reality of why most employers won’t offer to support relocation of immediate family for less than a year does typically come down to what the obligation of support is. Essentially, what gets you close to equity while inevitably everyone’s family situation is different.

            I basically think of a situation where the OP has a relatively straightforward opportunity for the spouse (not working) and infant child (not in schooling) to join. However, OP has a peer given a similar assignment, has a spouse whose job can be done remotely, an infant child, and then a child in kindergarten. Those minor differences can mean a significant level of investment the employer would need to make in terms of what kind of visa the spouse would need and how to secure a kindergarten spot for half a year. And ultimately might really disappoint that colleague with their limited ability to help, and/or the workload that would fall to that colleague’s family to make the relocation work.

            If this were an employer where this never/rarely happens – then certainly just dealing with employee specifics makes sense. But when you’re in an industry where this is more frequent, the benefits offered will inevitably be more blanket to ensure an attempt at parity.

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        2. Emmy Noether*

          I’m assuming you are not including any of your own minor children or a spouse in the family you’re not seeing for 16 months. (Those situations exist of course, but usually only under duress).

          Reply ↓
          1. JSPA*

            Really depends!
            The nuclear family isn’t the only norm, globally. One or both parents “working away” for most of a child’s chilshood is quite common in Filipino families… and I’ve had Chinese fellow post docs who were moms, whose young children were being raised by grandma, with trips back every 2 or 3 years. I’m not saying it’s easy. But it’s certainly a thing. And back in the days of sail and caravan, it was also true for anyone who voyaged for work.

            Reply ↓
      8. Lisa*

        LW, for a data point, I have coworkers who have done long-distance temporary assignments (sometimes but not always overseas). People have negotiated different things, but generally my company would either pay airfare (once each way) for the family to relocate with them OR they would pay for the employee to fly back and forth at least once a month. They wouldn’t pay for family to travel back and forth nor for other family-specific relocation costs. I also haven’t known anyone to accept an assignment like that that has small kids.

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    5. Fluffy Fish*

      I read it as Alison suggesting paying for visits as an alternative to moving them for 6 months. The company has said no, so its highly unlikely they’re going to budge on that, but may be willing to fly the LW home a couple of times during the 6 months.

      Reply ↓
      1. Hyaline*

        The company said no to the airfare, but it’s not clear that that they said no to the family accompanying him. They may have said “fine do whatever but we’re not paying for their airfare.” I mean–end of day, if the family arranges their own travel and visas, it’s not likely the company can really *stop* them, right? They can say they won’t provide any financial support, but they really can’t stop the family from taking a concurrent extended trip to the same location as LW.

        Reply ↓
        1. fhqwhgads*

          Yeah, I read it as “they can come, but you gotta deal with your own visas and housing and airfare” and OP wants them to cover just the airfare aspect of it.
          If the company is saying no solely on cost, then asking the company to fly LW back periodically to see the family will likely also be a no. But if the company is saying no because they don’t want to deal with the logistics for the whole family, but are willing to deal with logistics for just their employee, then the company flying OP back several times may be something they’d be totally ok with.
          But then, it all depends on why OP wants them to come. If the issue is “I can’t not see my family for that long” then asking to go back several times fixes that. If the issue is “I have a very small child and can’t leave the other parent in the lurch for caregiving alone for that long” then the only thing that helps is the whole family moving together.
          So, the options that accomplish what the OP wants and accomplish what the business wants may be at odds.

          Reply ↓
  4. tabloidtainted*

    #1: Treat him like you would any other coworker, not like a coworker you fell out with (be warmer and give him feedback when he needs it), and talk to your manager to see if they can step in to redirect your coworker’s misplaced anxiety.

    Reply ↓
    1. March*

      Nah, the LW should absolve themselves of more responsibility for managing this dude’s feelings, not less. They have zero duty or reason to talk to the manager about anyone’s feelings, let alone this dude’s, if it doesn’t affect their work. Dudefeelings aren’t the LW’s problem anymore.

      Reply ↓
      1. Lady in STEM*

        I agree. As someone who had to cut off a friend/coworker friendship*, I definitely had to check myself a few times before I was like, “okay, as long as I’m being professional and polite, their feelings aren’t my problem.” I think the only scenario in which it does become a problem is if there is retaliation or if the former friend makes it difficult to work with them (and it sounds like OP has appropriately escalated when that’s happened in the past). Because in those instances you have specific behavior with a specific solution and it’s easy for a good manager to intervene appropriately.

        *why did I end the friendship? They COULD NOT STOP COMPLAINING about everyone, even their own friends. They began to display very questionable judgement. They give gifts in exchange for friendship. They’re in executive leadership, but barhop and flirt with junior staff and interns, including ones who report to them. I could go on, but I think you get the picture. They’ve written me off as a stiff and boring goody two-shoes, but what they cannot do is complain about my behavior because I’ve been nothing but collegial. “Lady isn’t as warm to me as she is to the others” would honestly just make them look silly at this point.

        Reply ↓
  5. BadMitten*

    #2, not to get too cheesy, but change is scary for everyone but it’s the only way you grow. A situation can’t get better if you don’t change anything.

    Reply ↓
  6. EA*

    OP2, I just want to say you’re not alone! I’m in a similar situation with a low paying but flexible remote job at a nonprofit where I care about the mission. I have little kids, and it’s hard to think about giving up the flexibility. In my case we aren’t federally funded and the work I do is actually interesting, but I really should job search too (I was for a while last year but haven’t in 2025). I encourage you not to settle for being underpaid and bored – you lose nothing by looking to see what’s out there.

    Reply ↓
    1. ecnaseener*

      I’ll tell you this as well as LW, then — I don’t think the amount of flexibility LW describes is that uncommon! Not having to clock in exactly on time, being able to leave for an errand when you don’t have a meeting, those are definitely things you might find at other jobs better suited to you. (Hell, those are things you’d find at plenty of in-office jobs!)

      Reply ↓
      1. Cat Lady in the Mountains*

        Yeah, this is a very basic level of flexibility that could almost certainly be negotiated at other jobs (except for coverage-based roles).

        Reply ↓
      2. Generic Name*

        I agree. Not catching flack for showing up at 8:02 and being able to run to the pharmacy or wherever as workload allows is pretty basic flexibility for salaried in-office jobs. I left a job where management would shriek about their wonderful flexibility. I’m very happy in my new job that’s just as flexible where I make $52k more (and I find very interesting).

        Reply ↓
      3. Melissa*

        LW2 here: I’ve had jobs where there are daily standup meetings right at 9am on the dot, and your teams status is constantly momitored, and it suuuucked. Perhaps that’s a quirk of the companies I worked at but I SO dont want to go back to that

        Reply ↓
        1. Maggie*

          LW2 your situation resonated with me! I am at a similar cross roads (ultra flexible job, bored, young child, industry threatened by current political climate) and have recently started job searching. It’s scary but empowering! Think of it as having the best of both worlds right now. You have a job (always easier to search when you do!) but are open to other opportunities! I made a list of what my top priorities were and only entertain leaving if all of those are met. I even turned down an offer recently that laid-off me a few years ago would have killed for! Good luck!

          Reply ↓
      4. Statler von Waldorf*

        Based on my experiences, it is entirely industry dependent on how common it is. In any coverage based industry, like banking or retail, that flexibility simply does not exist. In many others, only executives have that flexibility. I have over 30 years in the Oil & Gas industry, and in three those decades I’ve never once seen a non-professional or non-salaried job with that kind of flexibility in that industry. I was doing HR and payroll, so I would have seen it had it been offered.

        I was actually surprised when I went looking for hard numbers to back up my biases. The best source I found was the 2022 Canadian Labour Force Survey. According to it, 30.3% of Canadian employees had the ability to flex their hours to some degree. That was significantly higher than I expected, so I learned something new today.

        Whether you think 30% is “that uncommon” or not is something where reasonable people can disagree.

        Reply ↓
        1. Melissa*

          Yeah, it really really depends, and I’ve experienced a pretty wide spectrum. Before ever getting a desk job I worked years and years of retail and for a hot minute I couldn’t believe I was getting paid to sit down!

          Reply ↓
      5. Parakeet*

        That struck me too. I have way more flexibility than LW2 (and am also at a federally-funded nonprofit). I’ve also had jobs where I had much less flexibility than LW2, so I know that it’s all relative to your past experiences. But the amount of flexibility described seems average at best for non-coverage office jobs. LW2, there’s a decent chance that you can find something even more flexible than what you have now!

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  7. mabby*

    Speaking as one who did a stint overseas, I’d not put my family through the upheaval of relocating for just six months. I guess if spouse doesn’t work and kid is not yet in school not so hard but still a huge disruption that would require a lot of planning both for what happens at home (who takes care of the house, insurance to cover an empty house) and what happens at new location. If the company isn’t paying airfare I can’t see them paying for visas, bigger accommodation, etc, etc. I’d push instead for two trips home of at least a week each. You should also ask for tax assistance – depending on where you are going you may owe tax there.

    Reply ↓
    1. AnonymousOctopus*

      This. Schedule your R&R and have the company pay for it, but it’s more hassle than it’s worth to uproot your family and figure out logistics for 6 months. Or if things are so precarious at home that it can’t work, then it won’t work and you’re left with turning it down.

      Reply ↓
      1. Mark*

        I would agree, build in two visits home in the 6 months you are away which as you have a dependant family your company should agree to, especially if you build in update meetings back in the home office. And then in the 6 months perhaps have one family holiday in the destination location around a holiday period like Christmas or Easter. You will probably have more public holidays in Europe than in the USA. Those 6 months will then fly past.

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    2. Emmy Noether*

      I disagree. LW says above that the son is daycare age and the wife doesn’t work. If I put myself in the wife’s shoes, there is no way in hell I’m full time solo parenting a baby/toddler for 6 months. Especially if the alternative is to go explore somewhere cool as a family.

      Visas for Europe are not that expensive. Airfare may be expensive, but you can try to time the flights to get the lowest fares. If you are in a position to have a vacation budget, use it for this. If possible, rent out your house and use the money to rent a small apartment. Depending on where in the US and where in Europe, you may even come out ahead. Research well and run the numbers, but don’t be dissuaded by it being complicated.

      I know a lot of expats. This is doable.

      If you feel comfortable saying which country it is, I’m sure us European commenters would be happy to give some more concrete advice.

      Reply ↓
      1. Dahlia*

        Forget about the wife, if I was LW, I wouldn’t want to miss six months of my child’s life! Even if you visit twice, that’s so much time to miss, especially for a small child. Why would you have kids and then decide to leave them for half the year?

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      2. DrFrog*

        Completely agree with this. I know so many people that have relocated family for one term to whole year for a sabbatical assignment and it has been a wonderful, foundational experience for the kid(s). Planning to do this myself 26-27 for 6-12 months if all works out.

        Reply ↓
        1. Perihelion*

          Yeah, my neighbors/colleagues just did similar with elementary school aged kids, and from talking to the kids it was a really great experience for them. I know several other families that have done similar.

          Reply ↓
    3. amoeba*

      I mean – it could also be an absolutely amazing opportunity though! If I wasn’t working and had no school etc to consider, I’d totally jump at the chance to go with my partner for something like that. I’d guess in LW’s case, their spouse is equally positive about it, otherwise it would’ve probably occurred to them that they could just stay home.
      It’s not necessarily something I’d expect the company to cover though, especially not the extra cost for renting a bigger place – but I guess that’s taken care of anyway, as it’s not in the letter? For the travel itself, I’d also say, can’t hurt to ask, some companies might cover it as a perk, but definitely not outrageous if they don’t.

      Reply ↓
      1. WellRed*

        I agree! Why assume this is upheaval, maybe it’s a great location and the wife wants to see it. And small children are pretty adaptable, their world is mainly their parents.

        Reply ↓
        1. Hyaline*

          This exactly. If my husband were being sent somewhere new and interesting for work and I was a SAHM my view wouldn’t be upheaval, it would be “how cool! Family adventure!”

          Reply ↓
        2. knitted feet*

          Right – at that age, being separated from a parent for months on end is more upheaval in my view than changing location but having both parents around.

          Reply ↓
      2. Amy*

        My father did an 8 week training in Toulouse on the new Airbus plane (310?) when I was a kid. It was before Kindergarten and the whole family went over. I don’t really remember but both my parents say it was a marvelous time.

        As an adult traveling through the region, I kept having that feeling of “this feels so familiar” and I’m sure it was from those two months when I was 4 even if I couldn’t exactly remember.

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      3. Insert Clever Name Here*

        When my sibling and I were toddlers, my dad was on the Challenger Space Shuttle investigation team and was relocated to Florida for 3 months — several of the team being relocated had families and requested (and received) the ok to bring their families. I’m well aware it’s not the same (1980s NASA money, intercontinental US relocation, etc.) but my parents both talk about how it was totally worth it. Dad was working a lot, but was around more than if we’s stayed in our home state, Mom had a community of other employee spouses who’d relocated and all in all it was a completely positive experience.

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      4. Helewise*

        I’m surprised the company isn’t even willing to cover airfare. It’s been a while since we were expats, but that seems incredibly cheap and unsupportive to me.

        Reply ↓
    4. Citymouse*

      On the other hand I went through my spouse being gone for about four months when our son was two and it was completely awful. I got bronchitis and had no backup and trying to care for a kid that age while sick was just too much. Because of COVID restrictions we couldn’t go visit. Six months is huge when it’s a quarter to a fifth of your kid’s life.

      Reply ↓
    5. bamcheeks*

      I would be the absolute opposite! I was really hoping my partner would manage to score an international fellowship or exchange whilst our kids were still pre-school: living in another country when you’ve got a secure job to come back to and you don’t need to engage with a whole new education system and the kids are young enough to be broadly comfortable anywhere as long as they’ve got their parents with them would have been absolutely perfect. Whereas I wouldn’t consider splitting the family up for six months under any circumstances bar the most awful.

      Reply ↓
      1. knitted feet*

        Yeah same, this sounds like the perfect opportunity to spend time in another country! And not seeing my kid for six months at that age would absolutely not be an option. (I mean, at any age for me, but especially when they are so tiny and developing so much.)

        Reply ↓
        1. Jackalope*

          I would also be considering the future. Will this employer expect more 6 month trips? You only get so much time with your kids, and that’s got the potential to add up really fast. Figuring out now how to make it work as a family will make this easier in the future, or else show you that it’s not a thing you can do again.

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    6. EA*

      Hard disagree with this take – if the spouse doesn’t work and has a daycare age kid, I’d be psyched for the experience of living abroad and also keeping the family together. Babies can have a LOT of stuff, but in other ways they are more adaptable to a new house.

      Reply ↓
      1. Boof*

        It is actually a LOT of fun to explore other countries with a little kid – it’s an excuse to go do a bunch of little kid stuff IDK it’s my favorite part about traveling right now

        Reply ↓
    7. Hell in a Handbasket*

      I completely disagree. As a non-working spouse I would far rather have a fun European adventure for six months, rather than taking on sole duty at home. And as the working spouse, I would hate missing out on six months of my child’s life. If this is something OP’s company is asking him to do to help them out, I think it’s ridiculous that they won’t pay for another plane ticket!

      Reply ↓
    8. Jack Russell Terrier*

      I really think this depends on the people. My father was a US based academic and when I was five we spent an year in Oxford and when I was eight in Heidelberg. They were sabbatical years. Mum didn’t work outside the home.

      They were great years, I loved them. I think mum did too – she was always dining at high table (without dad – she’d be invited because she was good value to liven up the dusty atmosphere).

      Wouldn’t work for others, but don’t just discount it. Travel isn’t just disruptive it has value too.

      Reply ↓
  8. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

    OP1: Full disclosure – I’m highly atypical neurological wise and people in general are hard to understand. But a few of my coping mechanisms might work for you or others.

    When someone is acting like your former friend I put them into a different category in my head. They move into ‘coworker who I don’t know very well’ so it removes the need to process what happened in the past and trying to placate their emotions. It also ups the professional subroutines.

    Reply ↓
    1. Great Frogs of Literature*

      I am, AFAIK, neurotypical, and I do something very similar. If someone has made it clear that they are Not My Friend, or is not behaving in a way that I want people who are my friends to behave, I forcibly put them in a “somewhat distance acquaintance” category in my head, and it frees me from the need to care about them the way I would a friend. (In fact, I think the demotion somehow means that I’m less invested in what they think than I am for someone else who’s organically in that category because I don’t really know them yet.)

      Reply ↓
  9. Vixen of the Bean Realm*

    I’d love to know some more background of the story behind LW1 and her ex-friend… because his behaviour is batshit cray cray and I cannot make any sense of it

    Reply ↓
    1. Opaline*

      Pure speculation, but unless there’s egregious behaviour by the LW we don’t know about, I wonder how much of this is passive aggressive behaviour designed to ‘win’ the coworkers in the breakup? The same way some people will badmouth an ex in an effort to keep all the mutual friends.

      I may be reading into it too much, but the obvious flinching, hiding and asking unsubtle advice from colleagues (who presumably knew them both as friends before) has a vibe of “Who me? We didn’t fall out because of anything I did. It’s all LW’s fault. Look how afraid I am of them now. Don’t you wonder what they did?”

      Reply ↓
      1. WellRed*

        I agree! Why assume this is upheaval, maybe it’s a great location and the wife wants to see it. And small children are pretty adaptable, their world is mainly their parents

        Reply ↓
      2. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        My mind went to “setting up for a future complaint against them” as a revenge tactic: Keep acting as if they’re scary, people start to wonder, then at some point take something small and describe it in a big way as a problem that HR needs to respond to. That’s a very long game but this other person is clearly invested in continuing some kind of relationship, even if it’s a negative one, so it could be part of the story they’re telling themselves in their head.

        I like Keymaster of Gozer’s suggestion of recategorizing them so different subroutines kick in. Being less chilly, while clearly being very professional, is an inoculation against the rumor mill.

        Reply ↓
        1. Elsewise*

          That’s exactly what I was thinking. The coworker has conflated emotional discomfort with the threat of physical harm and is, either intentionally or not, signaling to other people in the office that they find LW1 potentially physically dangerous. It’s possible that their respective reputations will mean that no one will take this seriously, but this could also be a real problem for LW1.

          Reply ↓
      3. MarfisaTheLibrarian*

        It could be passive aggressive, but it’s also possible that he doesn’t realize how visible his flinching is, and it’s just an inappropriate but unintentional manifestation of anxiety/awkwardness/”oh shit how do I act”/[desperate need for therapy because it’s bringing up old dynamics]/etc.

        None of this changes that LW’s best bet is to be extremely professional and collegial, and bring it up to their boss if it seems at risk of escalating.

        Reply ↓
        1. Friend Break-Up OP*

          Knowing him I think it’s more the second to be honest. He doesn’t usually react as visibly if there are other people around

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      4. Miette*

        This is such a great point, and a great reason for OP to follow the advice from Alison and just behave Ultra Professionally.

        Reply ↓
    2. PurpleCattledog*

      I wondered if coworker was afraid LW would use confidences gained as a friend against them. LW mentions having not gone to management about their previous discussions about others.

      It’s incredibly common to complain about work stuff to work friends. Unless there’s actually something unethical/harmful happening, there’s also usually a convention of maintaining privacy and not tattling. Or as LW had done saying you don’t want to be part of those conversations and disengaging. But LW did listen to a lot of those conversations, which are recorded on a work system, before doing so.

      They’re also likely uncomfortable because someone they thought was a friend, who enjoyed their company, actually didn’t – they just took a while to say so. I get feeling uncomfortable about that! It’s an awkward situation to be in.

      Reply ↓
    3. Great Frogs of Literature*

      I would say that I agree… but the strangest friend-breakup I ever had was with a coworker who I’d sort-of started to be friends with and then our roles shifted and I told her I wasn’t comfortable pursuing a friendship anymore.

      In my case, I think the contributing factors were:
      1) She’d shared some personal confidences with me as her somewhat-junior peer that she was NOT comfortable having shared with someone above her in the reporting chain, and scared I would use them against her.
      2) She was jealous that I’d been offered the promotion and she hadn’t (even though she didn’t want the job).
      3) She “didn’t believe in work friends” which I had assumed meant that resetting the relationship to not-friendship was all on my side, but in retrospect I think it actually meant that she hadn’t been willing to acknowledge to herself that I was her friend, and thus couldn’t articulate what she felt she was losing when I stopped being her friend.
      4) She had some very weird ideas about manager objectivity. My take was “I should not hang out with some reports as friends and not others; that’s bad management practice,” but hers seemed to be “If you can’t trust yourself to be objective when managing a friend you are completely untrustworthy as a human” ??? (which, combined with the confidences in #1, made her feel very unsafe) and when I explained that even if I could be objective, the optics of the rest of the team perceiving her as having special access to me were Very Bad, she accused me of caring about how things look instead of how things are. (How things are is important. But how things look is, in fact, also often important, especially if other people whose opinions you care about are going to be upset about it.)

      Obviously not all of those are in play here, but I think it’s evidence that work-friend breakups can get Real Weird.

      Reply ↓
    5. Boof*

      By description I can only speculate some sort of severe and not well managed anxiety or maladaptive personality thing – what type (general, social, ptsd of some sort) who knows but yeah the need for constant reassurance, the flinching, the monitoring/sniping others – that’s a whole lot and LW doesn’t need to be their unpaid therapist, but probably getting a good therapist would be the best thing for coworker if they were writing in about themselves.

      Reply ↓
  10. ChurchOfDietCoke*

    LW1’s ex-friend sounds like a nightmare.

    Which means he’s likely to pop up as a LinkedIn sob-story at some point.

    Reply ↓
  11. Citymouse*

    LinkedIn is different from an interview but I’ve been present in an interview when someone spent much of the interview telling us how much they needed the job and how hard their financial situation was. This wasn’t an entry level job. We kept trying to steer back to our questions but couldn’t get them back on track. I felt sorry for the person but I had to mark them a no in that circumstance.

    Reply ↓
  12. Thomas*

    I’m not so sure about Allison’s advice to OP1 to basically do nothing. To me the coworker is behaving like they’re scared OP will physically harm them (flinching, shrinking away), and seemingly saying as much to others. I feel if the coworker escalates it, and gets their story in first, it at best puts OP on the defensive and could have a poor outcome for them. I’m also considering that something the OP said or did without malice and feels is no big deal might have been perceived very differently by the coworker on the “receiving end”.

    Reply ↓
    1. Everything Bagel*

      I agree the coworker’s behavior is rather bizarre and I can’t believe that questions are not being raised by coworkers he’s seeking advice from about how to stop fearing a coworker (!). I think I’d ask someone trusted at work if they’ve heard anything about this. Maybe he’s just trying to get some sort of response from OP, or maybe something will come up later.

      Reply ↓
  13. English Rose*

    #4 the attraction for people with these LinkedIn sob stories is they often get a lot of traction. Lots of likes and shares, and the job-seeker mistakes this for valuable content. And the more they see these ‘popular’ stories, they more they are normalised.
    I completely agree this is just misguided.

    Reply ↓
    3. GreenApplePie*

      I’ve seen a lot of recruiters/misc. HR people with courses and services to sell to job hunters post these stories to drum up business. The posts are frequent enough and the details change so often that I suspect they’re either lying or cribbing stories from clients.

      It does seem to work though, the LinkedIn algorithm eats it up.

      Reply ↓
      1. mw*

        At least some of these emotional stories that I’ve seen are being shared, at least partly, to help people understand the importance of these roles that government employees have served, the role the government plays in making every day lives better, the roles of civil servants, and that civil servants are people we know not just faceless, uncaring bureaucrats.

        Reply ↓
  14. I should really pick a name*

    #2

    A couple of things:
    Not having to log in right on the hour is not an unusual amount of flexibility. When people talk about flexibility, they’re usually referring to something like working an 8-hour day, but the 8 hours can be shifted, so long as they’re working core hours (9-3 for example).
    If it’s important to you, you don’t need to take a job that doesn’t have that flexibility.

    How would you be “potentially disrupting our fragile financial stability” by going to a new job? Do you have a history of not sticking with/getting fired from new jobs?
    If you don’t like the new job, but it pays more, you’re no worse off than you already are.

    Reply ↓
    1. WellRed*

      I thought that too. I also don’t think being available for 8 set hours every day is flexible- that’s work. Maybe I’m misunderstanding that part. I have decent flexibility but I’m also a bit underpaid. Start looking before you get dodged.

      Reply ↓
      1. Eldritch Office Worker*

        I think government jobs tend to be more rigid than some, so what feels like immense freedom to someone with a government background might seem like very minor flexibility in the private sector.

        That’s just a theory of course, but I think OP will be pleasantly surprised at how easy their current set up is to match or exceed.

        Reply ↓
    2. Hyaline*

      I was also confused about the spouse’s concern about potential financial insecurity, especially since the LW specifically said that the job search would include looking for a pay bump. It seems like financial insecurity is more likely WITHOUT job searching for the LW right now! I know this is not job-related advice, but I think spending some time talking about that concern and the spouse’s worries in general might be smart–maybe there are other kinds of instability or change that the spouse is concerned about? Maybe current job has rockin’ awesome benefits, or the schedule is allowing them to forgo services like before/after school care or pet sitting, or spouse is worried job change=moving–I have no idea, but it’s worth talking through!

      Reply ↓
      1. amoeba*

        Yeah, and with the possibility of getting DOGEd, it doesn’t even seem like the current job is especially stable, so really, I agree, job searching should very probably actually improve financial stability! Especially as LW can afford to be picky now – once you’re unemployed, the pressure to take whatever’s offered quickly becomes much worse.

        Reply ↓
      2. Melissa*

        (LW2 OP here) My wife is in general very risk averse and nervous of change, and I think part of it has to do with her upbringing (financial insecurity, dad was flaky, job hopped, had lots of “promising opportunities” that would just fall through). She’s been wary of the idea of me going elsewhere when I’ve talked to her before my manager left and the DOGE hammer started looming, and that’s why I was hesitant to bring it up again, but I actually did talk to her a few days after I sent this letter (note to everyone: talk to your wife before the internet), and she’s in cautious agreement and has said basically what Alison did: start looking but don’t jump on the first possible opportunity if it’s not an ideal one.

        The flexibility that I’m afforded means, honestly, a pretty light workload in addition to the hours, and being entirely WFH. The workload has been nice when I’ve had some other issues going on, in that it was sustainable even when I wasn’t operating at 100%, and total WFH was a game changer for my mental health when I first went remote in 2019. The concern going into an unfamiliar job that we *both* have is the potential for a culture bait-and-switch I suppose (WFH listings actually being hybrid or in-office “with exceptions” etc), rescinded offers, “things not working out” during a probationary period, etc. I haven’t ever had to deal with these things luckily but I know people who have, and it sucks.

        Reply ↓
        1. Melissa*

          (OP Here)
          Wanted to bring up: Both my wife and I know someone who wanted to move to a certain city. She got a job at the Llama Store in said city, and was able to move in with a friend. She was pretty tired during orientation after moving the day before, and orientation was about 8 hours long, mostly about the history of the company. The next day, the Llama Store fired her for “looking bored” during that 8 hour video orientation, and she was left completely in the lurch in a new city.
          So – this new job anxiety isn’t out of nowhere!

          Reply ↓
          1. lyonite*

            Your poor friend! I will say, that’s not a typical office job experience (retail may be a different story), and that kind of worst case scenario shouldn’t be at the front of your mind when you’re looking to make a change. After all, you both know this person, but between the two of you, how many people do you know who have changed jobs and had it turn out just fine, even if they might have had a rocky first couple of weeks? (Very common.)

            Reply ↓
  15. Llama Llama*

    For 5, my company will pay for an employee to fly back every weekend or pay for a family member to fly to them every other week.

    Reply ↓
    1. Jackalope*

      That’s not likely an option in this case though, or at least not a workable one. Trying to fly from the US to Europe and back every weekend would be expensive and too exhausting (especially with jet lag) to give you any actual time with your family. And flying back and forth on that flight with a toddler or preschooler (the OP told us in an earlier thread that his son is too young for school) would also be a nightmare.

      Reply ↓
      1. Just Thinkin' Here*

        It really depends where “home” and the assignment are. If you live in the Northeast and going to Ireland, it’s a 5 hour trip. If you live in California and going to Greece, it’s going to much longer. If the company won’t cover air fare, then I’d be demanding a supplement for the 6 months. Maybe salary is doubled while over there? How is spouse supposed to take care of the children? Is there a child care supplement? What is the company paying for? Just hotel and per diem? That’s going to get old real fast for 6 months…

        Reply ↓
  16. Quinine..I need quinine*

    I would never write a LinkedIn sob story, but I also wouldn’t turn down an otherwise good candidate who posted one. I’d look at it as just another job search tactic – as the original answer said the job market is awful right now so why not give candidates some grace.

    Reply ↓
    1. Ellis Bell*

      It might well be a job search tactic, but it’s an extremely bad one. You might be in the position of choosing between two candidates, who could equally need the job, except one seems genuinely keen on the fit and suitability and the other has given the impression they desperately need any old job. I agree it’s not necessarily about automatically ruling people out, but it does nothing positive for their job search.

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      1. Quinine..I need quinine*

        In that scenario I agree I would choose the first candidate, but if the LinkedIn poster made it to the final round, presumably those concerns were already addressed..

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      2. No Longer Looking*

        I continue to have problems with “as well as that you want the position I’m offering (not just any job that comes available).” No one really WANTS to spend our lives working for someone else on their schedule, but the nature of our capitalist hellscape is such that your options are 1) Work for the Man, 2) Risk Working for Yourself, or 3) DIE. You bet your swet tush that people are going to take, not ANY job that comes available, but certainly any job they felt was good enough to apply to. Stop thinking your employer is somehow special.

        Reply ↓
        2. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

          This is rude and unnecessarily combative. Also quite melodramatic with the all caps.

          Frankly, this has nothing to do with the capitalist hellscape. Working for money to live does not mean you have to take any job that comes along. You even said “job they felt was good enough to apply to” <–means they filtered out other jobs.

          This has nothing to do with thinking any employer is special. If you want someone to put up with you and give you a paycheck, act like you give a shit. People with sour grapes or too much drama are people who get avoided. In their personal life and in the workforce.

          I think you secretly want to work for yourself, but talk yourself out of trying with diatribes like this. Go ahead, you can do it!

          Reply ↓
          1. Quinine..I need quinine*

            I’m not convinced a LinkedIn post equates to sour grapes or drama – again, people are trying whatever they can to break through a tough job market. Maybe it won’t work, but we’ve all seen people who have been searching for months and months and sometimes a year or more. I don’t blame anyone in that circumstance for trying something different

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      1. Quinine..I need quinine*

        I imagine it’s visibility, support, networking, ideas, etc.. Also people like to help, so if you’ve ever seen those posts, they often have intros etc in the comments.

        I wouldn’t advise doing it, just saying I wouldn’t rule anyone out who did

        Reply ↓
        1. Sloanicota*

          Yeah, I think employers are assuming the posts are aimed at THEM, but I don’t think they are – they are aimed at people in the poster’s LI network who may connect them with jobs or recommend them, and they might only do that if they are moved by the seriousness of OP’s situation. I think posters also appreciate the commiseration and reassurance but that part could be on a private social media post just as easily, whereas the “I *really* need help getting a new job!” has to be public to work. It’s a tough boat, and it is hard to hear that employers might reject someone for this.

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          1. Eldritch Office Worker*

            I think Irish Teacher.’s comment below gets at the crux of it. We can go back and forth on whether or not it’s logical/rational/ethical for employers to reject someone for this, but the point is you’re painting yourself in a light of being a less-than-prime candidate and posting that on the site that is most likely to connect you to professional opportunities. It’s just not the smartest tactic, and it can call both your worth and your professional judgement into question – consciously or subconsciously.

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          2. Parakeet*

            Yeah there’s a context collapse problem here. The posts might be aimed at the poster’s friends and contacts, people who know them. But if the post gets traction, the employers will also see it.

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    3. Irish Teacher.*

      I think some of the disadvantage is more subconscious, not so much that employers would think “I won’t hire this person because they posted a sob story on LinkedIn,” but more that if somebody is posting about how they’ve sent off 50 applications and haven’t gotten an interview yet, it makes people wonder if they are a weak candidate. There’s a danger an employer considering interviewing them might think, “am I missing something? Why am I the only person who sees this person as a strong enough candidate to interview? Did the 50 other hiring managers know something I don’t?”

      Of course we all know logically there are many reasons people don’t get interviews and not all are related to the strength of the candidate, but there is a stigma around being long-term unemployed, so it’s probably not the best initial impression to give.

      Reply ↓
      1. A. Lab Rabbit*

        Yep, very much this. And if they are spending a lot of time on LinkedIn talking about their financial situation instead of what strengths they bring to a job, I have to wonder what they will be focused on when if I do hire them—will they focus on the job, or will they spend all their time talking to their coworkers about how thankful they are to have this job, to finally get this job, to save their home, etc., etc.

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    4. Green Grasshopper*

      It may not be a job search tactic – but a job search support post.

      Part of normalising the reality of job searches and the impacts on physical, mental and financial health is people being open about how job searches are affecting them. Not just after everything turns out rosy, but during the struggle.

      It’s not something I’d post, but I’d hide things out of fear of workplace impacts. But I’d prefer a world in which people were less scared.

      Reply ↓
      2. Jennifer Strange*

        I don’t disagree that those things need to be normalized, but I think it’s better posted on a platform that doesn’t include potential hiring managers in the audience.

        Reply ↓
      3. metadata minion*

        Sure, but there are so many other places to post about this sort of thing! Granted, I haven’t been on LinkedIn in a very long time so maybe it’s changed? But in my mind it’s very much a professional website so it seems weird to post anything personal on it, other than a reflection on your career or something like that.

        Reply ↓
      4. amoeba*

        Eh, I mean, I’ve seen job search support posts as they’re usually more along the lines of “I’ve unfortunately been laid off from my position – looking for a new role, have experience in X, Y, and Z, would be interested in A and B type positions. Please feel free to share and reach out if you’re hiring/know of a position that might fit!” or actually, more frequently, by third parties: “Lisa is searching for a new position as XYZ, I’ve worked with her in the past as ABC and she was a great employee – please feel free etc.”

        That’s fine! Not sure if ever works (probably not in my field, tbh, we don’t have a lot of word-of-mouth type hiring) but I don’t think it hurts. It’s also really different from the sob stories LW mentions.

        Reply ↓
        1. amoeba*

          Oh, and now upon re-reading I guess you meant more “emotional support during sjob search”? Yeeeah, I agree with what others said – absolutely valid, but LinkedIn is *not* the place for this! That’s for your private contacts, not for potential employers/colleagues. Instagram or Facebook or Bluesky or Reddit or whatever, sure.

          Reply ↓
    5. Hyaline*

      I agree that it wouldn’t be an automatic no from me, but if a hypothetical role required a lot of discretion or exceptionally good judgment I think it would be a knock against them. Seeing someone display online what I consider to be immaturity and poor judgment would make me second guess how they interviewed or presented themselves in their application materials even if they hadn’t displayed any red flags there.

      Reply ↓
  17. Ellis Bell*

    I think for OP1, it’s natural to pick up on weird behaviour as being a warning and to want to do something about it before something bad happens. As well as dropping how he behaves from your list of responsibilities, it might be reassuring to spell out what concerns you have about what this behaviour might lead to: More monitoring? A complaint? These are all things which can be protected against. The fact that he was formerly monitoring you and confronting you just makes this a little bit more fraught than if he was just a garden variety type of nervous person; this is a nervous person who tried to make you do his work, attacked you when you resisted, and is now in full on DARVO mode because you called him out on it. That said, I think you have this in hand. You’ve resisted every manipulation attempt, plus you called in help and put eyes on the problem when necessary. Now, I would just be very, very boringly unresponsive to his odd behaviour until he gives up. Try to log as much of your side of these interactions as possible by putting requests etc on email. This also has the advantage of not having to deal with all his secondary in-person behaviours and you can just focus on functional messages.

    Reply ↓
  18. Numbersmouse*

    re #4: It’s important to remember that companies don’t hire you for what they can do for you, but what you can do for them.

    Reply ↓
    1. Sar*

      yeah–the closest they get to the former in my experience of hiring is the sentiment “they seem like they would be great to have around the office.”

      Reply ↓
  19. Cat Tree*

    #2 I can relate to that worry of the unknown. It’s so easy to think about all the things that could go wrong.

    Sometimes you have to take a step back and think, “what if everything goes *right*?”

    Alison is correct that just looking isn’t a commitment. If you apply and interview and don’t find anything better, then you’re no worse off than you are now. But what if you do find something better?

    Reply ↓
  20. Account*

    I wish I knew more about the situation in 1. I’m not justifying anything the coworker is doing; he sounds immature. But, most of the time when adults decide to leave a friendship, they do that by fading out, becoming less communicative, and declining invitations to hang out. They don’t typically have a sit-down conversation and say “I am breaking up with you.” So what does it mean when you say that you ended it “with no possibility of being friends in the future”? That sounds quite dramatic. I wish I could have video of what exactly went down, and what has been happening since that conversation.

    Reply ↓
    1. Varthema*

      I had the same reaction at the beginning of the letter – I only had a friend “break up” with me once as an adult, and it was def more traumatic than any of my romantic breakups partly because, like you say, it’s unusual. In a monogamous relationship model breakups are expected since you can only have the one, but with friends it’s more about deciding who gets how much of the pie, so you can always just serve less pie to people whose company you enjoy less.

      But by the end of the letter, it does sound a bit as if the OP tried the usual methods that just made the situation worse. I imagine there are some people who would much rather be broken up with rather than slowly eased out, but tbh this person sounds like they couldn’t handle either method.

      Reply ↓
      1. Emmy Noether*

        I agree. Usually friendships end by just phasing out, being less available. But sometimes the other person may force it to come to a head by not accepting that and confronting the drifting friend. Especially if they see each other every day.

        My husband had a childhood friend he slowly drifted away from as a young adult (not even purposely – just living different lives in different places), and that friend dramatically broke up with the whole friend group by email because he felt neglected. He maybe thought people would beg him to come back? Nobody did.

        Reply ↓
    2. Same*

      I was wondering that too. There are also some phrases in the letter I do not really get, for example: “never particularly mean”, so… just average mean?

      I feel there is information missing and I find it hard to give advice here.

      Reply ↓
      1. Irish Teacher.*

        I interpreted that as “I don’t do anything objectively mean, though of course, ending a friendship is likely to be perceived as mean by the person on the receiving end no matter how nicely it is done.”

        Reply ↓
        1. Friend Break-Up OP*

          This. I was also trying to set the same kinds of boundaries over and over so I got short with him at times but I didn’t make any targeted insults or anything like that.

          Reply ↓
      2. Olive*

        This in particular made me wonder what the other side of the story is:
        “I’ve never threatened him or even raised my voice at him. Right before I ended the friendship I snapped at him once…”

        And unless the complaining about other coworkers was something really egregious, it sounds pretty normal. I’ve heard coworkers vent about someone who was difficult to work with and unless it’s affecting their ability to be professional or they can’t get out of a complaint spiral, it’s fine. I’d be very wary myself of someone who holds onto that as a possible weapon to go to management with.

        Reply ↓
        1. Cookie Monster*

          That, on its own, might not have ended the friendship. But that was only one issue in a long list of them and, combined with those other issues, adds to the impression of him as a negative, draining presence in the LW’s life.

          Reply ↓
          1. Friend Break-Up OP*

            He’d also get stuck on the same people and blow issues out of proportion, and I’d asked him multiple times not to do it over work channels and he continued to do so

            Reply ↓
    3. Insert Pun Here*

      Yeah, I had the same reaction to this letter. This situation called for a slow fade. A formal break-up is way too much for a short, partially situational friendship like this. This guy sounds exhausting but he might also be acting weird partly because OP’s behavior is so bewilderingly formal.

      Reply ↓
      1. Reba*

        Eh, I can imagine how when you see someone 5 days a week, the slow fade might be pretty difficult to accomplish! And although the ex friend is acting up now, I can also easily imagine that they would be reading all kinds of tea leaves at the Lw’s behavior–like if she becomes a bit cool to him he would ask for reassurance even more (cycle of anxiety). So I think the setting of clear expectations was right for the LW. There is just fallout to deal with, that would be unavoidable to some extent whichever way she chose to handle the ex friend.

        Reply ↓
        1. knitted feet*

          Yes, this is my take as well. This sounds like the kind of situation where trying to do a slow fade would just have made him cling harder. I don’t think you can extricate yourself from that without setting a clear boundary – certainly not with someone you see every day.

          Reply ↓
          1. Ellis Bell*

            Yes, my feeling is that this person is an old man of the sea. Like, I have sympathy for people who don’t have any skill for independence, but I have more sympathy for the people they latch onto.

            Reply ↓
          2. Friend Break-Up OP*

            Yeah basically. I tried the slow fade and he took it really personally. I even tried saying “I’d rather not hang out outside of work and just be friendly at work” and it then became his mission to “fix” our friendship so I had to cut him off completely

            Reply ↓
        2. Insert Pun Here*

          Maybe. Or—since it sounds like these two were friends/friendly outside of work—you start by slow fading that part of the friendship. Maybe the guy gets the hint, maybe he doesn’t. But this all just seems like a lot of sturm und drang for a short work-based friendship. It seems like OP thought that setting boundaries would automatically result in a certain kind of desired behavior but people don’t work that way!

          Reply ↓
    4. Hyaline*

      Yeah I kinda had the reaction of “he’s acting weird because this situation is weird. You’re going to have to let it be weird.”

      Reply ↓
      1. just here for the paycheck*

        Yeah I’m willing to grant that to a degree, but the visible flinching (!) is beyond that. It’s either highly manipulative or this dude has some serious trauma he needs to address. Both of which have nothing to do with the situation and everything to do with him.

        Reply ↓
        1. Saturday*

          I felt some years old embarrassment when I read the flinching part, because I think I did the same thing once.

          I had a friend who I had confided in and then things got awkward, and I wasn’t sure how she felt about me anymore (not nearly so extreme as in this letter). If I knew I was going to be around her, I was fine, but I recall running into her unexpectedly in a hallway and I know I had a panicked look on my face which I quickly got under control but not before she saw. I think describing it as “flinching” wouldn’t have been far off.

          Reply ↓
    5. WorkerDrone*

      But how else to end a friendship with someone you see every workday? The slow fade won’t work here because there is no ability to “fade” away. The key to that is distance; being less communicative and declining hanging out means you literally see each other less and speak to each other less, which you can’t do at work.

      The slow fade also relies heavily on the person being “faded” to accept it.

      So OP might try to just change the dynamic at work, becoming professional only and not friendly, but that’s a big enough change that it will naturally prompt questions – because without being told, the friend doesn’t realize the friendship is over and doesn’t understand why the tone changed.

      There are also plenty of occasions where a slow fade attempt will fail because the person on the other end ramps up their attempts to close the distance, not understanding that the distance is the whole point, and forces a more direct conversation. When you see someone every day at work, it’s much easier to just say to someone, “Hey, what’s going on? We haven’t hung out in two weeks.”

      I can absolutely understand why a more formal “break up” was needed – creating distance and slow-fading is a lot harder when you’re work friends and have to see each other often.

      Reply ↓
      1. Soft message*

        “But how else to end a friendship with someone you see every workday?”

        For example: “It is really stressing me out that we talk so much about work and colleagues. I really want to take some steps back.” And then no further meetings outside of work.
        In my opinion, this brings across the message too. To spell out that there is “no possibility of being friends again” is next level.

        Reply ↓
        1. Ellis Bell*

          You’d have to go to the next level with concluding this friendship, though wouldn’t you? With someone who is monitoring your breaks and confronting you even after ending the friendship?

          Reply ↓
        2. Insert Pun Here*

          Yes, I couldn’t quite put my finger on why that comment seemed so off to me until now: it’s wildly disproportionate to a one-year friendship.

          Reply ↓
      2. Emily Byrd Starr*

        When I was in high school, I did the “slow fade” with a classmate who I had been best friends with since preschool. We were in a number of classes together, and it was a fairly small school, so we couldn’t avoid each other. Still, we managed to stay amicable and on good terms until graduation.
        Yes, I know that school isn’t the same as work, but if two fifteen year-olds can stay friendly despite no longer being besties, certainly two adults can.

        Reply ↓
    6. Myrin*

      I honestly don’t see how you’d be able to slow-fade someone you see daily; I feel like an actual sit-down conversation is the only way to achieve a non-friendship in this situation.

      Reply ↓
    7. GreenApplePie*

      I wonder how old the LW and the coworker are. I’m Gen Z and ghosting is a huge faux pas/could make things worse depending on how unstable the person is so a conversation would be reasonable.

      I’ve only had to do this once, for a friend that was stalking me via Letterboxd (apparently it’s not that hard to triangulate local showtimes and the Letterboxd movie diary features) after I had blocked him on every other form of social media and turned down all invitations to spend time in person.

      Reply ↓
    9. metadata minion*

      I think it’s harder with a work-friend since you likely see them all the time. In most social situations, you can just slowly be “busy” when invited to things and not reach out to them, but at some point it becomes crueler to vaguely ignore someone who’s in the next office over. This is obviously going to vary a lot, but I’d much rather just have someone rip the bandaid off and say “dude, I do not want to be friends anymore” than wonder why they’re acting all weird.

      Reply ↓
    10. Hello Dolly*

      Completely agree. I had my childhood best friend formally break up with me when we were 24, and I honestly will never (EVER) get over this. This was a little different – pretty deep friendship and I hadn’t done anything wrong or weird, it was mostly on her. But it really wrecked me. Wish she had just let us fade out (we were pretty faded out at that point), and responded to an email once a year, instead of doing what she did. We don’t live in the same town, but when we went to a mutual friend’s wedding a few year ago, I started shaking when I saw her. I was actually scared of her. If I saw her on the street, I probably would turn white, and walk the other way.

      I just can’t help but think LW #1 sounds pretty cold. People act weird around really cold people.

      Reply ↓
      1. Friend Break-Up OP*

        I’m really sorry about your childhood best friend, that’s awful. I wanted to do a slow fade, but he wasn’t taking the hint. I really hated ending the friendship the way that I did, but I was setting the same kinds of boundaries over and over, when I tried to back off he’d take it personally, and he just became more determined to fix the friendship when I said I’d rather not hang out outside of work anymore, so I had to end the friendship totally in order to get any space unfortunately.

        Reply ↓
  21. Caramel*

    #2, you said this job is below your skillset and not challenging, but also that your new boss has asked you to do a duty that’s way outside your skillset. While you’re looking for a different job, can you also put some energy into building this new skill? Even if it’s not something you have long-term interest in, it could be good practice for the inevitable learning and adjustments that come with switching to a new job. That muscle can atrophy in an environment where we already know how to do everything, making for a bumpier road later.

    Reply ↓
    1. Melissa*

      (LW2 OP Here)
      Honestly, under any other circumstance, I would agree with you. Learning something outside my skillset is how I got into the career I’m in!

      ….However. I’m normally knee-deep in llama-oriented spreadsheets and llama reporting systems and talk to as few people as necessary, and the thing I’ve been asked to do is cold-call people, because I have the room in my schedule to do so. I’m aware I’m probably being inflexible here, and I am not generally phone-anxious–I have, actually, had to do this in other jobs in the past. But if I were to find a new opportunity, even one that paid way better, that involved cold-calling people, I simply would not take that job. I love learning new things – new processes, new skills, all that. This is just entirely out of my wheelhouse, and not something I’d ever pursue on purpose.

      Reply ↓
  22. DJ Abbott*

    #2, knowing when you’re spoiled is important. I got spoiled during pandemic unemployment in 2020 and 2021. I could lay on the couch looking for a job, and I didn’t have to go out in bad weather. I did a couple of temp jobs and worked in a grocery store, but otherwise was at home.
    In 2022 I got a front desk job where I have to be in the office full-time every day. I knew it would be hard and it was, but I got through it! I’m still at this job after 3 years. When you know it’s going to be difficult and why, you can work through it.
    I don’t understand why your wife is afraid your finances will be bad if you look for a new job. Wouldn’t the new job pay more? You will have to get a new job at some point, so you might as well start now. Both of you should have jobs that allow you to save, too.
    Good luck!

    Reply ↓
    1. Sloanicota*

      Yes. I’ve been in a somewhat similar situation (4 day workweek) and I had to work hard to change my perspective to one of gratitude … “it was amazing to have had a few years at such a flexible and easy place, and now I’m far more ready to be challenged and succeed” versus “I don’t want to give up hashtag couch life, I don’t know how I’ll ever find another job this good!” (Like OP, the situation eroded out from under me over time, and I had to find a “real” job).

      Reply ↓
    2. Eldritch Office Worker*

      “knowing when you’re spoiled is important”

      I’m struggling with this so hard right now. My last company definitely spoiled me, and they also went out of business…and those things aren’t necessarily unrelated. I know the place I’m in now is more sustainable, more professional, probably better for my career in the long term…but it also feels a lot more like a JOB.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        Yep. My old supervisors were so hands off it was wonderful, I was totally in charge of my own schedule and timeline for work. Not coincidentally, the organization basically went out of business, because I think they were pretty hands-off about many important things …

        Reply ↓
      2. DJ Abbott*

        Hang in there! :) for the first 10 months of my new job, I felt like I was going to die.
        Find ways to take care of yourself – enough exercise, but don’t wear yourself out. Plenty of good healthy, but tasty, food, and get enough sleep.

        Reply ↓
    3. Melissa*

      Yeah exactly. The things I’ve been spoiled with have been *great*, and while I could definitely stand a bit more structure in exchange for more money and less boredom, there’s part of me that worries I’m no longer cut out for it!!

      I’ve said this in other threads but my wife is generally risk-averse and wary of change, and she’s had experiences in the past (both her own and family members’) where job changes that were supposed to be for the better have gone really, really poorly. To be fair to her, the last time I’d talked about this to her was before the manager & DOGE double whammy, so she’s way more receptive to it now that I’ve talked to her more in-depth, and basically shares Allison’s perspective.

      Reply ↓
  23. Justin*

    Yeah the sob stories tug at the strings but it’s just not a great choice where employers can see you.

    That may seem ‘unfair’ but nothing about these things is truly fair.

    Reply ↓
    1. Rogue Slime Mold*

      I’d tie it to number one–people notice when you broadcast your fears and fragility, but that doesn’t translate into wanting to engage more closely with you.

      Reply ↓
    2. ThatGirl*

      I have a casual friend from college who’s been out of work for about a year now; I have no idea what his search has been like (he lives across the country) but I do know that a few months ago he posted a lament on LinkedIn about how tough the search has been and even invoked “is it because I’m a white cis man over 40?” and I thought dude…. even if any of that is true you are not making yourself look good there. Like, yikes.

      Reply ↓
    3. H.Regalis*

      To me, those posts feel similar to having someone at a bus stop come up and pour out their whole life story to you. It’s not the right place to do that.

      Reply ↓
  24. Annie*

    #5 OP seemed to be saying that their spouse and kids were coming with for the 6 months, not asking for company to pay for them to fly in for a visit.

    Reply ↓
  25. EventPlannerGal*

    TBH the entire ‘friend break-up’ situation in letter 1 sounds so strange that it’s hard for me to understand. The guy’s behaviour – particularly the physical flinching – is weird as hell, and I would find it really troubling at work and would worry about the impression it gives to others. However, the entire friendship as described sounds very odd and formal, complete with a kind of ‘fired for cause’ vibe to the breakup (I wonder if that’s contributing to the conflation of ‘ex-friend’ and ‘coworker’ in his mind) and I don’t quite know how the rules of either friendship or work fit with this.

    This is one of those letters where I wish I could observe the situation myself, but perhaps that’s just my nosiness at play – I know if I worked with LW1 and the flinching coworker I’d be so curious about what went down!

    Reply ↓
    1. librarian*

      I almost wonder if there was some more-than-friends aspect to the relationship. Maybe the coworker was into LW and LW didn’t see it? I don’t know, I’m just wildly speculating at this point but this does seem WAY too dramatic for a regular old “we don’t hang out outside of work anymore” situation.

      Reply ↓
      1. Friend Break-Up OP*

        There wasn’t any more-than-friends aspect and I definitely agree it was super dramatic! I’m honestly embarrassed it got to the point that it did. He was just super emotionally needy and I tend to be a helpful person and let myself get way too entangled in his problems and when I tried to back off he took it very personally. I tried to slow fade but he didn’t take the hint. I even said we can be friendly at work but not hang out outside of work and he wanted to fix our friendship so I didn’t really have much choice but to totally end the friendship.

        Reply ↓
    2. Parakeet*

      “a kind of ‘fired for cause’ vibe” Yes, this. I was trying to figure out what came across so oddly to me and it’s this. Dumping a friend who you’re friends with outside of work because of what sounds to a large degree like performance issues at work…but also, I’m not there to observe and don’t want to fault a LW for not wording their description of their situation absolutely perfectly. And it would be too easy for me to project unfairly – I admit that I winced hard at this one and wondered what was “really” going on with the friend breakup. But that’s because my best friend “broke up” with me earlier this year and it was pretty distressing.

      Reply ↓
      1. Friend Break-Up OP*

        The work issues were part of the pattern of issues I had with the friendship outside of work. For example, I mentioned in my letter that he would ask for reassurance about every judgement call or minor mistake at work. He would also ask for reassurance that I wasn’t mad at him all the time, and relied on me a lot to soothe his anxiety about his problems.

        Reply ↓
  26. Beth*

    #3 – I recently attended the funeral of a person who had a distinct influence on my career. I wish I’d gotten to tell her how deep an impact she’s having, as I now have a wide influence in our field that may not be obvious. Go ahead and reach out to those people while you have the chance.

    Reply ↓
  27. HailRobonia*

    #1: I would worry that his heightened fear of you is an act to make you look bad. Maybe avoid being in any situation in which there is not another person just in case he starts claiming you are intimidating him or whatever.

    Reply ↓
  28. Alex*

    “I don’t want to hire someone because they’re about to lose their home.” Why not?

    It’s incredible how inhumane capitalism has made LW4 and everyone agreeing with him here in the comments.

    Reply ↓
    1. MsM*

      C’mon. You can empathize with someone who’s in a bad financial situation, not want them to be in that situation, and still not think hiring them to get them out of that situation is the best solution for either of you. If they’re not well-suited to the role, they’ll be right back where they started soon enough, only with a new short-term placement to have to explain to potential employers. That doesn’t help anyone.

      Reply ↓
    2. A. Lab Rabbit*

      Capitalism aside (and I am very much not a capitalist; it is one of the worst ways to run an economy imaginable) I still want to hire the person who best suited for the role. If it came down to two candidates who were equal in all regards, I would probably take the person who’s about to lose their home, sure.

      But what this really points out is that we need a better social safety net (which you probably will not get under pure capitalism), not that we should hire whoever says they need the job the most. I don’t think it’s inhumane to say that broadcasting your weaknesses to the world (why? WHY—hasn’t this person been able to get a job yet?) is doing yourself any favors. It is better to focus on the positives regardless.

      Reply ↓
      1. Emily Byrd Starr*

        I’m just curious: how can you not be a capitalist when you live and work in a capitalist country (which I assume you do because you say “we need a better social safety net.”)

        Reply ↓
        2. Silver Robin*

          “I participate in the system because I need to eat but I think this is the worst system we could have and would prefer a different one” is an entirely consistent stance. “Capitalism” here is an ideology, not an activity; and the economic system does lend itself to certain politics better than others. Similarly to “communism”, which is an economic system but which also has political stances attached to it.

          Reply ↓
      2. Scarlet ribbons in her hair*

        “If it came down to two candidates who were equal in all regards, I would probably take the person who’s about to lose their home, sure.”

        But how would you know that the candidate was about to lose his/her home unless he/she told you? When I applied for jobs, I never told the interviewers anything about my financial situation. They never knew if I was independently wealthy, or married to someone who was independently wealthy, or if I was in danger of losing my house or apartment, or if I was responsible for the eight children of my siblings who were all in jail, or if I was living with my parents who were disabled and unable to work, and if it weren’t for me living there and paying all of their bills (plus my own bills), they would be in danger of losing their house, and so on.

        I would be annoyed if I kept my mouth shut about my financial situation and eventually found out that someone better off than me financially got the job, assuming that we were equally qualified, just because he/she spilled the beans about his/her financial situation, and I didn’t say a word about my financial situation because I thought that it was irrelevant.

        And what’s to keep people from lying just so that you will hire them? If I were the type of person to tell you that I was responsible for my eight nieces and nephews, would you take my word for it? Or would you want proof?

        Reply ↓
        1. Rogue Slime Mold*

          But how would you know?
          This comes back around to the rule that the person in the office most vocal about how tough their life is almost never turns out to be the person with the actual toughest life.

          Reply ↓
          1. A. Lab Rabbit*

            Yep, and this is why this really is not a good criterion for hiring at all. I mean, without having candidates submit financial statements (which would be just terrible overreach), you really don’t know.

            Reply ↓
    3. Rogue Slime Mold*

      I don’t think socialists want to hire based on that metric either.

      And I think in any system, people wouldn’t view it as a feature to know that everyone else at this company got the job based on the metric “Had the most devastating background story out of the applicant pool.”

      Reply ↓
      1. Quinine..I need quinine*

        I dont think anyone’s saying hire someone based on their LinkedIn novella, just that it’s not always a dealbreaker (well at least that’s what I’m saying)

        Reply ↓
        1. Jennifer Strange*

          Sure, it’s not always a dealbreaker, but it has a greater chance of doing harm than it does of doing good.

          Reply ↓
      2. Antilles*

        Also, even if you wanted to hire based on a ‘who needs job most’ metric, hiring someone based on their LinkedIn sob story post doesn’t really accomplish that. You’re not necessarily hiring the person with the worst situation, just the person who’s talking about it most.

        Reply ↓
        1. Rogue Slime Mold*

          And as Scarlet Ribbons points out, unless you are hiring a PI firm to investigate the truth of all their claims of suffering… you’ve just incentivized creating a Horrible Backstory out of whole cloth, and the person who can make up the best back story (“All of my family were slain before my eyes in the Pokemon wars!!!!”) gets the reward.

          Reply ↓
          1. Strive to Excel*

            *And* you now have a Grief Competition. One person is about to lose their house, another has a kid with a chronic illness, a third is a caretaker for a dying parent – which of these people has more need? A hiring manager should thinking about your team, company, and client needs. Not having to deal with a trolley problem every time you hire!

            And *and* with that comes the same sort of judgey assessments that have become such a problem with the American healthcare insurance industry. Oh, you wouldn’t have lost your house if you’d budgeted better, so we shouldn’t hire you. Oh, your kid wouldn’t have a chronic illness if you hadn’t smoked while pregnant. Oh, you should turn your parent over to a care facility so you can work while they’re being cared for.

            No. Just no all around. I know to a certain extent I’m writing advice column fanfic here, but two letters later is Alison writing at Slate about why it’s so bad for companies to treat parents’ needs differently from those of other employees. And the in-between letter is about an absurd boundary-crossing personal information exercise from trainers. Having companies basing their hiring and management decisions on people’s personal lives instead of a person’s skills is a massive overstep (caveat here as there’s a difference between this and “wow, this employee is being a racist on social media, this is not an energy we want in our office”).

            Reply ↓
    4. Hyaline*

      I mean, it’s pretty crappy to the rest of my employees if I hire someone incapable of doing the role and poorly trained or untrained just because I feel bad for them. It’s pretty crappy to my customers if the person who is supposed to be helping them doesn’t do the job well enough because I made a bad hire. I don’t think it’s inhumane at all to be considering the fact that the potential employee is not the only person impacted by a hiring decision.

      Reply ↓
    5. I should really pick a name*

      “I don’t want to hire someone who doesn’t understand what platform it’s appropriate to vent on”

      Reply ↓
    6. Hlao-roo*

      The sentence that the letter-writer wrote is:

      I want to hire you because you’re the best person for the job, not because you are about to lose your house.

      To me, I read that as “whether or not a job candidate is about to lose their house is something that has no bearing (positive or negative) on how good of a fit that candidate is for a job and shouldn’t factor in to the hiring decision.”

      Are you interpreting the sentence more along the lines of “people in precarious financial situations don’t deserve to be hired?” That would be bad, but I don’t think that’s what LW4 is saying.

      Reply ↓
    7. Justin*

      Jesus lord, wanting to hire the best candidate (which would often include trusting judgment and boundaries) is not capitalism.

      In fact, ‘to each according to their ability’ is… something else!

      Reply ↓
    8. Jennifer Strange*

      “Well, we have two candidates for this doctor position. One of them actually went to medical school, but you know the other one is about to lose their home, so…”

      Reply ↓
      2. Quinine..I need quinine*

        Come on you know that’s not what people are really saying. Yes, if the LinkedIin poster doesn’t have the qualifications in the first place of course they wouldn’t get an interview.

        Reply ↓
        1. Jennifer Strange*

          I’m responding specifically to Alex’s comment that not hiring someone just because they’re about to lose their home makes one an inhumane capitalist. I think it’s okay to fight hyperbole with hyperbole.

          Reply ↓
          1. Quinine..I need quinine*

            ok fair, but I think there are two separate conversations happening here. I don’t think anyone really means to hire someone unqualified because of sympathy.

            The main question for me at least should an otherwise qualified person be rejected because of this type of LI post. Enough people say yes that I wouldn’t advise anyone to do it, but personally I understand why someone who hasn’t had success the traditional route would try something like that.

            Reply ↓
            1. Colette*

              The problem with this is that playing for sympathy is not effective marketing, and LinkedIn is a marketing site. It feels manipulative, and it’s focused on something that is unrelated to their ability to do the job. Venting is better confined to personal networks (i.e. friends and family).

              Reply ↓
                1. Rogue Slime Mold*

                  There’s a whole aspect of fictional storytelling, where we reject stories when they FEEL manipulative. Even if the same thing, executed with more grace and subtlety, would be touching and poignant.

            2. Jennifer Strange*

              Sure, I can understand it the same way I understand why some people try gimmicks with their applications: they’ve seen (or think they’ve seen) it be successful elsewhere (either in a “true” story that has gone viral or in television/movies). I don’t think anyone is saying that folks who try a sob story are awful people unworthy of jobs, but it’s such a bad idea that runs far more risk of doing harm than doing good that I think it’s important to make sure anyone considering it who comes across this post understands what the risks are.

              Reply ↓
              1. Rogue Slime Mold*

                It’s like trying to be memorable by showing up in a banana costume.

                At least with the banana ploy you have to find a place that rents banana costumes, which can build in enough delay to rethink the whole thing.

                Reply ↓
    9. Colette*

      So … if people who are in dire financial straits get hiring priority regardless of their ability to do the job, how does that play out?

      Let’s say 10% of them do the job well (group A), 60% of them do it acceptably (group B), and 20% do it poorly (group C).

      Group A and B are OK at first.
      Group C is doing poorly, which impacts their coworkers and customers (and possibly the business).

      Two years down the road, group A wants to move on, but can’t, because they are no longer in danger of losing their house/going bankrupt. They get frustrated and bitter.

      Meanwhile, group C’s poor performance is causing problems, raising the risk that the business will fail.

      Now we’ve got group C doing a poor job, and group A no longer going above and beyond. The financial outlook of the company gets worse.

      Eventually, the company fails – which eventually means groups A, B, and C get into a bad financial situation, and can get hired again.

      Reply ↓
      1. Quinine..I need quinine*

        Your scenario doesn’t really make sense – first of all nobody is purposely hiring low performing employees just because of a sad Linkedin post. Second, why couldn’t group A simply get another job if they’r so bitter and frustrated?

        Reply ↓
        1. KateM*

          I think the idea is that group A people simply can’t get another job because they are not in dire financial straits.

          Reply ↓
        2. Colette*

          If you’re suggesting that people should be hired because of their bad financial situation – as Alex was – then those who don’t have a bad financial situation won’t be able to get jobs unless/until everyone worse off than them is employed. Group A has jobs, so presumbably there are unemployed people who are worse off.

          Reply ↓
    10. Strive to Excel*

      Easy. Someone posting a sob story on LinkedIn is showing a certain amount of naivete and lack of appropriate workplace boundaries. If I’m looking at that, my concern is immediately going to be: “Is this person going to *keep* pushing boundaries if I hire them? Are they going to be a constant source of HR drama? Will I need to be concerned that they’re going to splay our internal workings all over social media?” Especially if you’re in a workplace that makes it hard to fire someone. Hiring That Person can be a one-way ticket to losing the rest of your functional team. And that’s before you get into the jobs that deal with people’s sensitive information.

      It’s not that they’re about to lose their home. It’s that they’re trying to get sympathy to override all the reasons why someone *should* be hired. I’m not saying it’s an immediate no, but that your first impression is important. Don’t make it a public display of your lack of self control.

      Reply ↓
      1. BellStell*

        Recently a person who got moved to my team posted an odd almost pathetic LinkedIn post on this move and all the stuff she ‘accomplished’ in her previous role. It was cringe worthy and since we all know she was demoted and had her team removed…. it just made the drama llama that she is more obvious. Above a person noted the drama a person like this could bring and well I can tell you that is super true.

        Reply ↓
  29. Ohgee*

    LW2: it sounds like your low-paying, flexible job also puts pressure on your wife to keep your family afloat. Look for a new job! being able to build an emergency fund will be a relief for you both.

    Reply ↓
    1. Melissa*

      luckily it’s just the two of us and a dog, and we’ve both spent some time alternating as “breadwinner” since moving in together, but I would very much like it if she didn’t have to take on so much, for sure.

      Reply ↓
  30. Mindi*

    LW1 – your coworker is acting like my abusive ex-husband has been acting since I left him. I have valid, concrete reasons to be afraid of him, but he has been treating me as if I’m a threat to him. Refusing to speak to me “off the record”, making comments about being “careful” what he says around me, keeping physical distance when we’re in the same space so there’s no chance I can “falsely accuse” him of anything. It’s a ridiculous form of gaslighting. I have no way to know if this is what your coworker is doing, but it’s the first thing that came to mind when I read your letter.

    Reply ↓
    1. Lilith*

      classic DARVO! Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. A hallmark and favorite of abusers everywhere. It definitely pinged for me when OP described how ex-friend is jumping, flinching, acting scared publicly around OP. Sounds like ex-friend is trying to create and control a narrative for their coworkers

      Reply ↓
  31. Sick of Workplace Bullshit (she/her)*

    OP #1: I may be reading too much into this, but it sounds to me as if your idiotic coworker/former friend isn’t afraid you’ll get him in trouble, he’s laying the groundwork for accusing you of something later down the road. He’s flinching around you, telling others he’s afraid of you, and later when he makes something up about you, he’ll have those behaviours (that I’m sure other people have seen) in his pocket to substantiate his claim.

    I’d be documenting all these behaviours, and if you feel comfortable, let your boss know.

    Good luck!

    Reply ↓
    4. knitted feet*

      There does seem to be a performative aspect to his apparent fear of LW. Could be nothing but it feels manipulative.

      Reply ↓
  32. Nerdgal*

    For #3, please reach out to your former colleagues. You will be remembered as one of the classiest, admirable people they have ever known. Many of them will keep those letters and emails forever. They’ll pull them out during low moments and tell others how much your communication meant to them.
    I’m sorry about your diagnosis and wish you all the best.

    Reply ↓
    1. Lily Rowan*

      Yes, 100% this! Everyone loves to hear that they are well-thought-of, especially when it’s a blast from the past. I mean, I got a random note from my 5th grade teacher a few years ago (40 years after I was in her class) saying I was her favorite student, and I will hold on to that forever.

      Reply ↓
  33. BatManDan*

    #5 – LW didn’t say their family was going to come VISIT, they said their family was going to ACCOMPANY them. Flying the LW home a few times isn’t the solution, since the family will be with the LW in the new country.

    Reply ↓
  34. DE*

    What does “ended our friendship” even mean? If OP sat the friend down and said “we should break up as friends” that *is* really weird. I’ve never even considered doing something like that with a friend. Just stop hanging out. It’s not like breaking up with a romantic partner.

    I would also probably not be comfortable with someone who did some formal friend “break up” ritual with me. That is genuinely odd.

    Reply ↓
    1. Eldritch Office Worker*

      It’s not really that uncommon. Especially if you need to see someone all the time at work, ‘just stop hanging out’ is more complicated. Some people prefer more direct communication in their personal relationships.

      Reply ↓
      1. juliebulie*

        Yes. I had a friend in high school that I had to do a formal breakup with. As someone else mentioned above, sometimes the slow fade results in more clinginess (and manipulative behavior). That’s your clue that the relationship isn’t great to begin with. And when it is someone you see every day, who is in your homeroom and some of your classes, and who won’t give you space, you have to take a more proactive approach.

        Reply ↓
    2. Juicebox Hero*

      When a friendship stops being enjoyable but nothing is really wrong, it’s easy to just sort of let it wither on the vine. When the situation is more serious – threats, abuse, someone does something illegal or immoral, one friend tries to make it romantic but the other isn’t on board, etc -sometimes you really do have to end it the same as you would a romantic relationship.

      Reply ↓
    3. Myrin*

      You can’t exactly stop hanging out with someone you see every day. I mean, sure, you can stop the more social aspects of that but you’re still around the other person all the time. Nevermind that there would be a lot of potential misunderstandings and dragging-outs of the process, like “hey, we’ve only been talking about work recently” and thelike.

      I have to say I’m a bit surprised by the multiple comments saying this – basically every day, commenters advise OPs to use their words and to be as clear and straightforward as possible, now we have an OP who has done exactly that but that’s somehow not okay, either.

      Reply ↓
      1. Emily Byrd Starr*

        Yes, I had a friend who did not accept healthy boundaries, or really any boundaries at all. That’s why she’s now an ex-friend, and yes, I did have to officially break up with her. As Taylor Swift said, “We are never ever getting back together!” Fortunately for me, I didn’t work with her. I met her online, so it was easy to avoid her (or it would have been had she not cyberstalked me and spread false rumors about me on social media. Thankfully, she finally stopped.).

        Reply ↓
    5. Dido*

      Yeah, that doesn’t work with a coworker you work closely with on a daily basis. And based on the coworker’s unhinged behavior now, I can see why the OP wanted a clean break and not to drag things out longer than necessary.

      Reply ↓
  35. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

    LW5: I think 6 months is an awkward amount of time for the family stuff. It would be much easier for you and your company to make a decision if it were a factor of ~5 in either direction.

    4-6 weeks: you fly to Europe, your family stays home.
    2-3 years: you do the full expat relocation with your family.

    Is there a reason this really needs to be a 6-month stay, as opposed to 2-3 trips of a month each scattered through that time period period?

    Reply ↓
  36. The Funcooker*

    LW2: I don’t think I personally know anyone who’s regretted leaving a job “too soon.” A couple folks who returned to their old jobs, sure, but they were content with their overall decisions (and in both cases, they made more money leaving and returning than they would have staying). I do, however, know plenty of people who regretted not leaving crappy jobs sooner (including myself), and all of those people had similar concerns when first faced with the thought of leaving: What if the grass is greener on the other side?

    It’s a trap. If you’re unhappy (and have other choices, like job searching for other roles that you could potentially be satisfied with — I recognize not everyone has realistic options to just “find another job”), you’re unhappy, and that won’t change by not doing anything. Some of the folks that I know who remained in their job misery were eventually let go because their plummeting commitment showed in their work, and the question became: Wait, why didn’t I leave sooner? Why did I go through all these extra months of misery if I was going to be left without a job anyway?

    Especially because you have the very real spectre of DOGE over you, the only rational choice is to line up a job before the decision is made for you.

    Reply ↓
    1. Melissa*

      (OP Here)
      There’s a part of me that worries that I’m just being inflexible, but you’re right. I’m truly just not happy here anymore. I had a bigger breaking point a few days after sending this letter and started rolling around in the job search over the weekend.

      Reply ↓
  37. Justin*

    I will say, I was happy that a hire I made last year is now in a better financial position than she had been. But I hired her because she was best for the job. And that was just a nice byproduct.

    I had a friend apply who was in an even worse position financially, but she bombed the HR screen because of poor judgment (that’s the only thing HR can really verify) and there wasn’t anything I could (or should) do about it.

    Reply ↓
  38. LW 3*

    Part of what I’m trying to judge is how long is too long for past colleagues. A few are 35 – 40 years ago. (Yikes! Since when did 1985 become 40 years ago?!) How would any of you feel about getting a letter at your home address (if I can find it) from a long ago coworker?

    Reply ↓
    1. Hyaline*

      I’d be delighted! I mean, unless you were a stalker then (highly doubtful!) I’d just be pleased you dropped a line.

      At the same time, I wouldn’t put undue pressure on yourself to track people down–and if it’s easier to ping them on social media and ask for the address, that’s pretty normal at this point, too.

      Reply ↓
      1. Emily Byrd Starr*

        I assume the LW is not on social media, otherwise, they wouldn’t have asked the question in the first place. Staying in touch with old friends who are no longer a part of your day-to-day life is exactly what social media is for.

        Reply ↓
    2. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      My father passed away last year at the age of 93. He had colleagues from the 1970s at his funeral. It was really touching.

      Go for it.

      Reply ↓
    3. Eldritch Office Worker*

      I think more people would find it touching than would be weirded out by it, and as long as your intentions are good you shouldn’t worry too much about the latter group. You can’t control how people react to things, but it clearly means something to you and you can control yourself.

      Reply ↓
    4. old curmudgeon*

      If I got a letter from someone I worked with in 1985, I would be thrilled! Some of those folks taught me things, shared insights and offered guidance that I used for the rest of my career, and I’d love to hear from them now. Even folks who weren’t directly influential on my career path are still people with whom I shared conversations, laughter and experiences, and while we may not have much in common after four decades, just the chance to reconnect with someone from my past would be a golden opportunity.

      I am so very sorry that you are dealing with this diagnosis, but I think you are bringing tremendous grace to it by wanting to reconnect with so many people in your past. I love your idea of hosting a gathering with them, too – my spouse calls that kind of event an “It’s a Wonderful Life Party,” referencing the movie from the 1940s, because it’s a chance to hear things that might otherwise not be said until the memorial service. I wish you peace, joy and connections with friends, family and former colleagues for however many years you have left!

      Reply ↓
    5. Shan*

      My dad loved to talk about his past colleagues, and I think one of his big regrets as his dementia worsened was not getting a chance to see most of them one last time. Write the letters and (potentially) arrange the get together! A lot of people would be absolutely chuffed to know they had an impact on you.

      Reply ↓
    6. fhqwhgads*

      If you’re someone I thought fondly of and you’re just writing to say nice things, it’ll be nice! Trust your own judgement of the relationships in question. It’s not about how long it has been. It’s about if the meaningfulness of the thing you want to say.

      If a long ago coworker I barely interacted with sent me a letter at my home address, I’d be puzzled. Although depending on the contents of the message, it might still be moving. (Who knows? Maybe I had a big effect on someone and didn’t know it? A note to tell me so I do know it would be nice.) If I barely remember them and they clearly barely remember me, then it’s creepy. But not because of the time, because of the “barely”.

      But if you’re not even talking about “barely worked with” people, if these are people you worked with a lot, then the timespan doesn’t matter.

      Reply ↓
  39. Hyaline*

    LW3–I don’t think it’s weird or inappropriate, ever, to reach out and tell people thank you or that they were an important part of your life.

    Potential way to reframe this if it’s feeling weird, though–why not decide you’re going to have that not-retirement retirement party, and make that the occasion for contacting people? It sounds like you’re unsure about doing it, but pulling the lever on planning and setting a date gives you a solid reason to be reaching out–and reaching out gives you a solid reason for hosting the party! You can certainly also say what you want to say in terms of thanks and appreciation in addition to inviting them, but if it’s the “out of the blue” that feels odd or uncomfortable, you have a reason! You’re having a party! You hope they can come! And also–they’re awesome and you appreciate them.

    FWIW I wouldn’t even blink if I got an invite that basically said “because of health issues I stepped into retirement a bit unexpectedly without having a chance to celebrate, but I’d like to take the time to celebrate now!” I’d be there with bells on!

    Reply ↓
  40. Delta Delta*

    #3 – Yesterday I got a message from a contact that was incredibly touching. They said they were grateful for our relationship and my help over the years. It wasn’t in connection with a diagnosis, it was connected to something else. But regardless, it was really nice to hear something nice from a colleague. I immediately also said nice things, because it was true and it occurred to me that everyone needs to hear something nice sometimes.

    point being – let’s make sure we’re telling people good things!

    Reply ↓
  41. JP*

    LW2, my spouse was in a similar situation. They had a job that asked extremely little of them, permitting a TON of freedom. But when the job did ask something, it felt like pulling teeth to do even a small amount. This made them feel afraid they didn’t have what it takes to do a job that requires working hard all day. But then they switched jobs, and their new job was actually engaging and involved interesting projects and career growth, which made it easier and even enjoyable for them to work hard throughout the day and week. It took more energy, but it also gave that energy back in engagement. It sounds like it’s time for a change! Change is scary, but that’s how you learn and grow. Don’t wait until the funding is cut or you’re at the end of your rope — being semi-stably employed and not-desperate is an ideal position to be job searching from. Wishing the best for you!

    Reply ↓
    1. Melissa*

      (OP Here)
      I’m going to cry, this is my exact situation. My brain is an unreliable car and I can’t get that girl to run some days so the low demand has been wonderfully permissive, but it gives me so much hope to know that your spouse had the exact same issue and came out on top. Amazing what happens when you’re actually invested!
      Tell your spouse congrats for me!

      Reply ↓
  42. Bike Walk Bake Books*

    #3, write those notes! Early in the pandemic I reached out to several past mentors and colleagues simply to say how much I appreciated what I had learned working with them and to tell them I still use those skills every day. I got some very nice notes in return, which wasn’t what I was after but they made me extra glad I did this.

    I approached this along the lines of “Tell people directly that they mattered to you–don’t wait until the memorial service and tell others.” That’s an especially poignant starting point in your circumstances, and I hope you get all the healing possible and don’t have a recurrence.

    As for the idea of getting together, that really depends on where you and they live and how many might show up. You’re a drawing card and so are the others–maybe approach it like a reunion. I moved away from the town where many of my former colleagues live. I’m unlikely to go back just for something they were holding as a solo act, but if I knew a lot of former colleagues would be getting together I might.

    Reply ↓
  43. Kate*

    LW2: it’s understandable that your wife might freak out at the first mention of a change when you’re already living on a budget, but it’s not fair to either her or you to assume that the subject is not closed. You are partners, you need to be able to talk about things as major as a potential job change.

    I have noticed this pattern in my spouse and myself that by the time I may bring something up, I’ve noodled on it for so long that the path seems obvious to me, and I may bring it up almost casually, which freaks him out because he feels like I’m presenting him with a done deal. I suspect some different communication can help here.

    “Hey, I understand that it’s stressful to think about changes in our future, but my work is important to my happiness and both of our financial stability, and I need to be able to talk about it with you. Can we think of a time when we’ll both be in a good headspace to talk it over together?”

    Reply ↓
    1. Melissa*

      (OP Here) God I 100% learned this lesson. She has her own reasons to be freaked out by the idea, but I hadn’t brought it up since my manager left and the DOGE hammer started looming, so the situation has definitely changed since the last time we talked about it. I finally talked to her *after* sending the letter, like a wingnut, and she’s in agreement with Alison.

      Reply ↓
  44. Sunflower*

    #1 Communicate through email or something electronic. If you must speak to him in person, bring someone with you or at least make sure there are witnesses around. All that flinching and shrinking and asking outsiders how to get over fear is making me suspect he is laying the groundwork for….something. I may be wrong and hope I am, but better be safe than sorry.

    Reply ↓
  45. Dido*

    LW3, I think most people would be so flattered to hear how much they’ve positively impacted you, even years later! But I will say, I think it’s going to be very difficult to get work colleagues from years ago to show up to a happy hour or afternoon tea if you don’t share your diagnoses. I probably wouldn’t attend something like that except in a special circumstance like yours

    Reply ↓
    1. Dido*

      And this of course assumes that everyone who’s invited still lives locally, otherwise they’re not going to show up at all

      Reply ↓
  46. I feel this!*

    I’m in a similar situation to LW-2, without the factor of federal funding and the spectre of DOGE. Many of my job duties have been killed — not reassigned; we’re just not doing those things anymore. I’m using the down time to gain additional professional certifications and am going back to school for a master’s degree. Two of our bosses are retiring at the end of next year, and by then I will be better positioned to either negotiate a better job in my current org, or find something outside. If I had DOGE hanging over my head, I would be stepping the job search up *now.*

    Reply ↓
  47. H.Regalis*

    LW1 – I’d say I know your coworker, but there are so many people like this that I highly doubt it’s the same guy. I wish it really were just one person! These people suck.

    Reply ↓
  48. Water Everywhere*

    LW4, a LinkedIn sob story would definitely make me think twice about hiring someone. Not because I lack sympathy for their struggle but because crying all over LinkedIn demonstrates a lack of professionalism in my opinion. I’d have to wonder about their professional behaviour in general and if by hiring them I might be hiring an emotional vampire. References would be closely checked at very least.

    Reply ↓
    1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      There seems to be a subculture on LinkedIn doing this. No difference really from a Facebook conspiracy theory group. Agree that examining their professional behavior is important. I would also want to measure their willingness and ability to seek business information and opinions from wide sources, as opposed to just staying in a bubble.

      Reply ↓
  49. Tax-day time waster*

    A “friend break-up” is a purely modern idea, and is an unfortunate development in personal relationshipships. (Previous generations would have characterized the end of a friendship – other than an out-snd-betrayal – as “We had a falling out” or “we drifted apart” both of which leave room for an eventually reconciliation.)

    A “break-up” is unduly harsh, because it is explicitly saying “I no longer like you.” It’s no wonder the person feels “weird” around you, and frankly, doesn’t seem a very appropriate or professional way to step back relations. Why couldn’t you just set some boundaries regarding the help you are willing to provide? It sounds to me like you’ve made this into a bigger (and muc more personal) deal than it needed to be and it’s no wonder it left you former friend uncertain as to how to interact with you going forward.

    Could you talk to him now, and tell him that you fo not, in fact, feel any ill-will towards him? Just that you want him to stand on his own at work?

    Reply ↓
    1. Lenora Rose*

      I think this is reading way more into a mere modern turn of phrase than is warranted.

      Among other things, “We had a falling out” is, in my experience, polite speak for “we never want to speak to one another again and we are at risk of failing the rules of courtesy if you make us attend the same event.” (The owner and section manager at a thankfully long-ago job whom I would describe as having “had a falling out” literally screamed and swore at one another for an hour or so…)

      And a “break-up” doesn’t imply that to me. I know people who had romantic break-ups who do still support one another and are friends. I can definitely imagine a case of “we are not really friends” which would still imply a courteous work relationship.

      Reply ↓
  50. fhqwhgads*

    LW2, you mentioned this: we aren’t in the hole every paycheck, but only just barely — we have no savings.
    I think this does put you in the hole long term.
    Plus you hate this job.
    Plus it depends on federal funding that could vanish at any moment.
    You DEFINITELY should be job searching right now. Don’t take the first thing you’re offered. But search. A lot.

    Reply ↓
    1. Melissa*

      (OP Here) Yeahhh…. I reached a breaking point and submitted a metric ton of apps over the weekend. You’re right, it does put us in the hole long term. We had to postpone our big wedding celebration to next year because of a couple recent financial setbacks and we’ve had to go into debt to fix a car issue in the past. It sure would be great to have more to fall back on. Even just a $5k/yr increase from where I’m at would make a difference.

      Reply ↓
  51. Brain the Brian*

    I think there’s an exception to the no-sob-stories-on-LinkedIn advice: one post immediately after you’re laid off talking about accomplishments at your job and how you’re looking to continue doing good work in a new role. For example, I see a lot of recently laid off federal employees and contractors posting about their time in the government, how much they will miss their coworkers, and how they are looking for roles that will keep them focused on their former missions, all of which seems fine to me as long as the posters don’t actually become overtly angry about losing their jobs (which, given the context, can read as too political for a job searcher but is good advice regardless). That’s not a “sob story” in the same way that someone posting desperately months into a job search is, but I think some people lump them all into the same category, and I think it’s an important distinction to make.

    Reply ↓
  52. Laser99*

    I disagree with the advice given for #1. My instinct tells me this person is working towards getting the LW fired.

    Reply ↓
  53. Raida*

    2. My job is really flexible but it also sucks — is it time to go?

    Look for a new job.
    You’ve got a new manager, they are a bad match. You were not *happy* before but now you are *unhappy*. With all the flexibility it will be less stressful to apply for other jobs – so focus on appreciating that to grab a little joy.

    Reply ↓
  54. Raida*

    4. Do LinkedIn sob stories turn off hiring managers?

    The hiring managers that are attracted to desperation are ones that know they have a shitty workplace – desperate people don’t complain, don’t threaten to sue, don’t ask for accommodations, suck it up when the paycheque is balls’d up and wait for the next one, put up with bad managers and gossipmongers.

    Reply ↓

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