how to say “that’s not OK” at work

by Alison Green on April 21, 2025

A reader writes:

Is there a professionally acceptable way to push back when someone apologizes for causing problems at work?

For example, this morning, my colleague slept through a meeting we had scheduled. Since I’m on the west coast (we’re a remote team), this meeting required me to wake up at 5 am. She messaged me two hours later saying, “Whoops, I totally spaced on this meeting. Sorry!” My normal response would be to say something like, “It’s okay! When can we reschedule?” But … it’s not okay! Not just because I woke up early, but because I was unprepared for my next meeting as a result.

This has happened in other situations, with both people more senior and more junior than me, and I never know how to respond when someone apologizes for something that caused real inconvenience (particularly when that apology seems insincere/like they don’t understand the harm done). Is there a response other than “it’s okay!” to an apology?

I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

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{ 75 comments }

{ 75 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Heather*

    Allison’s suggestions are always great. In more frequent scenarios, I tend to use a line such as, “Without your update form that meeting, I cannot move forward in my process for the Y project. When can I expect your update so I can relay that back to my team lead and make sure I have enough time to review your portion of Z project?”
    First, it gives me the info I need to relay to others. Second, it makes it evident that their mistake has consequences that will require adjusting by others. So often, people assume a mistake isn’t a big deal (and it often isn’t) but showing that there are consequences for others puts the onus on the person that made the mistake as it should be. Not as a form of blame but as accountability. Please note that tone in both email and person communications matter here.
    Polite but firm works best for me.

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    1. Elizabeth West*

      Yep, at Exjob, people would sometimes leave their contribution to our deliverables to the last minute, and we wouldn’t get our documents until the zero hour. We typically set a deadline that was two or three days ahead so we had time to process stuff. If we were reminding folks that the deadline was approaching and some folks had already been lax about timing, we’d say something like, “Late-arriving material will impact our ability to meet the deliverable deadline” and copy the PM on that email. We can’t plan your time for you, Fergus.

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    2. Tiger Snake*

      Assuming you can be trusted to not over-wield it, a very direct “Thank you for the apology. Given the time difference, I have to get up at 5am to attend these meetings, so having them missed or cancelled has a big impact on my workday. Can we move it to later in the day, or what else can we do to make sure it doesn’t happen again?” can do wonders too.

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  2. Jan Levinson Gould*

    As someone who lives in the Pacific timezone and works for an East Coast and Europe-centric company, a few times I have been in the OP’s situation of waking up for an early call that doesn’t wind up happening. Usually I awake to a last-minute cancelled or rescheduled invite but can’t fall back asleep. Unfortunately it’s usually senior management who cancels at the last minute and I haven’t said anything because of the power dynamics.

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  3. Heather*

    Polite but firm in tone works for me. I repeat back their reason in simple words as well. This keeps the onus on the person that made the mistake as a form of accountability and not in an accusatory way.
    “I understand that you had trouble getting up. Would you let me know when I can expect your update on X project? I need to relay that information to my team lead and also make sure I adjust my work on Y project to accommodate the information arriving later than expected.”
    This lets them know that I heard them, that I need an update on when yoI will get materials, and plainly states the issue that arose form their mistake.
    As long as I keep my tone polite, I get what I need and don’t fall into excusing someone elses behavior (which isn’t my job anyway.)

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    1. Heather*

      Ugh, my comment didn’t post so I had to try to remember what I wrote and then they both posted. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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      2. Great Frogs of Literature*

        When they “don’t post” it usually means that they went to moderation, so if you wait they’ll generally show up.

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  4. Trudy's Blue Summer's Dress*

    these are fine, but also not everything needs to be a big power play – usually a “no worries, it happens!” is enough. So I would use these sparingly

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    1. Beth*

      I agree. If a generally-great colleague has a mistake like this–even if it has a big impact on me–I’m likely to write it off as a one-off and give a “no worries!” type response. I trust them to know there was an impact and do their best to avoid it in the future, without me needing to tell them. I don’t want good, trusted colleagues to feel like I’m scolding them for one mistake.

      If it’s a pattern, on the other hand, I’m way more likely to giving “Thanks, I appreciate that” responses to apologies instead of letting them off the hook. If they seem to think it’s no big deal, I’ll start naming the impact and potentially asking for their assistance in mitigating it.

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    2. LadyVet*

      Which is why Alison said not to use them if you can tell the coworker knows they messed up and won’t do it again.

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    4. Mad Scientist*

      I think the idea behind the question is what to say when “no worries, it happens” simply isn’t true or appropriate. Sometimes there *are* worries! And some things really *shouldn’t* happen! I don’t know that I would put the LW’s example in that category, but there are certainly times at work when mistakes can’t simply be dismissed or ignored, especially when the same person keeps repeating the same mistakes. At that point, “no worries” would give them the wrong impression that it’s okay to keep repeating those mistakes or that their actions don’t affect others.

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      1. Trudy's Blue Summer's Dress*

        Yes of course, if it’s happening consistently then yes absolutely. I’d also suggest the LW push back on these 5am meetings in the first place! Just b/c they’re on the west coast there’s no reason they can’t be held at a mutually good time

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        1. Ellis Bell*

          My read on this is that OP was fine with the early start time as long as the person showed up, or at least had a good reason. It also doesn’t have to be a repeat offence for it to be a problem. But, I agree that sometimes it is worth telling yourself that putting yourself out for someone is now a one off because they didn’t encourage the tendency.

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          1. TeaCoziesRUs*

            That or was okay with it because it had to roll directly into another meeting – in which Sleepyhead’s info was required.

            If this happened again, I’d ask for the meeting at 7pm Eastern the next time… so THEY can face consequences and lose personal time.

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    5. RCB*

      That was the entire point of the question and Alison’s response, you’re literally just regurgitating exactly what was said in the post.

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        1. Ginger Cat Lady*

          Well, except you assumed this was about a “power play” because you missed the whole point of the question and didn’t clearly read the answer….
          Which is an unkind interpretation of both the original letter AND Alison’s answer.

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      2. Trudy's Blue Summer's Dress*

        I’m not sure what else there is to say – if you have something to add go for it!

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    6. Dust Bunny*

      I think the point of this letter, though, is that “no worries” isn’t always the case. Sometimes something is time-sensitive and “it happens” like this is actually a problem.

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    7. bamcheeks*

      I think it depends whether it’s something you can let go or something that did have a knock-in impact. “It’s fine— I actually appreciated the extra half an hour to prepare for the 10am meeting” is one thing. “I still need XYZ, so how quickly can you reschedule? My only free time today is 5-6pm your time.” is another. Sometimes you do need to let people know that their mess up has an impact and that you need them to take on the responsibility or fixing it or being more flexible about scheduling the follow up or whatever.

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      1. Trudy's Blue Summer's Dress*

        I guess when this has happened to me, it’s been both “ok” because people are human and it’s not the end of the world, even if there was a deadline etc. and “Please pay more attention next time” or whatever the right phrasing is. That could be me nitpicking language though

        In these instances if the person didn’t show up for the meeting but I needed the info in a short time, I would feel very comfortable emailing/texing/calling/Slacking etc until they replied.

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    8. Also-ADHD*

      I think a situation where LW had to get up at 5am *and* didn’t have the info they needed for their next meeting is not “No worries” though, so LW was right, they need something else.

      If that were me, I would never agree to a 5am meeting with that person again, because I would always assume they might oversleep. (The exception might be if they had a TRUE emergency they shared that made me feel this wasn’t normal oversleeping – and I mean something truly terrible that had no chance of happening again, like their house was on fire.)

      I’m a morning person too, but a 5am meeting, everyone better be VERY on time, especially if it’s a more normal time in their timezone than mine (which seems like it might be the case here). The impact here is just too real and personal for a “my bad” to me. It breaks trust entirely.

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  5. Statler von Waldorf*

    One thing I think was missed in the answer is that in my experience, there is a major difference between how you can get away with handling this with someone junior to you as compared to someone senior to you.

    If it’s someone who is junior to you, you have a lot more standing to push back. If it’s your boss, you don’t.

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    1. Trudy's Blue Summer's Dress*

      Yes for sure. Hopefully if the boss ghosted you for a 5am meeting like that they would be *really* apologetic!

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      1. allathian*

        Indeed! My boss is very busy but also very considerate. We have a flexible schedule and she’s usually very good at scheduling 1:1 meetings to suit her employees’ preferences. I’d have no issues attending a meeting at 7 am, but I hate having to work past 3 pm unless there’s a tight deadline. When she had to reschedule my performance evaluation and the only available slot in her calendar for several weeks was at 4 pm on a Friday, she was sincerely apologetic about it without going over the top with her apologies. I accepted her apology with a “No worries, I know your calendar’s full, see you on Teams.” Near the end of that meeting, which had gone as usual until then, I started yawning repeatedly and couldn’t stop. She started apologizing again and I laughed it off with an “I think it’s time for my nap, it’s been a long week,” and then we concluded the meeting. We have a great, informal relationship where that sort of interaction’s appropriate.

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  6. Lemons*

    Hmm, this is an annoying situation, but I’m not 100% on LW’s side here. I think Alison’s scripts are great (pointing out the inconvenience when rescheduling) but LW’s tone is more personally affronted than I think it needs to be. (I don’t see the connection of someone missing a meeting make you unprepared for the next one.)

    Speaking as someone who also works with people in other timezones, sometimes getting up early is just part of the gig, and if LW’s company is based in ET, she knew that when accepting the job. Also, remote people don’t always remember where their clients or coworkers are based! I think the friendly reminder of “hey, PT here, remember?” is the way to go, or even limiting meetings to between 12pm-6pm ET/8am-2pm PT, so no one has to get up too early or stay too late.

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    1. NewNancy*

      I interpreted the one comment about the next meeting to mean that there was information from the first meeting that the OP needed for their next meeting. Because they did not have this information, they were unprepared.

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      1. Coverage Associate*

        That’s how I read it too.

        It’s not uncommon for my team to be working on something in the afternoon for the next day, and then there’s this dance of, “Do we want to have an after hours meeting today to be sure we’re ready for tomorrow mid-day? Or do we want to have an early call tomorrow?” One of my managers prefers the tomorrow morning solution, one prefers the evening solution.

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        1. Lemons*

          Oh fair enough, I didn’t think of it that way, though a simple “let me connect with Sleepyhead after this call and I’ll get that answer for you” is an easy enough way to CYA in the next meeting that most people wouldn’t bat an eye at hearing.

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          1. Samwise*

            Yes, exactly. Name the problem, name the culprit (but diplomatically, as you state it), show that you are responsible and willing to follow up

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    2. stargazer*

      Side note: with company mergers and acquisitions, there are plenty of people who don’t know before accepting a job that they’ll have to work across time zones. I live on the West coast and was hired by a company in my city, where all of my coworkers were local; I’ve now gone through two acquisitions and my coworkers are spread out over the continental US and Europe. All of this happened long after I accepted the job. (And yes, of course I could leave, but in the meantime, I’m 2-3 hours behind most of my coworkers.)

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    3. Trudy's Blue Summer's Dress*

      Agree, I also think that at 5:05 if the colleague hasn’t joined, the LW has every right to email/Slack/Call/Text them for the information, if it’s needed for something shortly after.

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    4. Also-ADHD*

      I could be wrong but I read this situation as LW had agreed to such a ridiculously early meeting because she truly NEEDED the info for the other fairly early meeting, and that the other person knows it’s 5am PT for her. (I agree it’s good to remind people about TZs if there’s some reason the person might not know. But I am used to everyone being pretty aware of TZs unless someone is working somewhere unusual, and I’ve been on several global teams the last few years.)

      I do think it’s good to just push back on meeting times you can’t make, but I also work across time zones and I’ll make a weirdly early or late meeting work if it feels necessary — but I will only do that as long as I have full faith and trust the people will show up. I would never do it again for this colleague if I were LW so I get the tone.

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  7. WellRed*

    If the first meeting was to give OP information for the subsequent meeting there’s a definite and obvious connection.

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  8. So early*

    How bad the missed 5am meeting is also depends on the team’s working agreement – like if they have core hours and 5am pacific is outside them and the time was picked to accommodate that person, then missing the meeting is much ruder than if core hours start at 8am eastern, or if there’s an expectation that people will wildly flex their schedules for meetings. Personally, getting up that early would wreck my entire day so I wouldn’t have accepted that meeting time in the first place

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  9. Trudy's Blue Summer's Dress*

    As a west coaster who is working with mainly east coast colleagues, this sort of thing is going to come up every now and then, but in general I think you have standing to push back on any 5am meetings!

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    1. Wednesday wishes*

      I’d have a huge clock in the background so as to “remind” everyone I am three hours behind!

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      1. Jan Levinson Gould*

        I block off my calendar until 7:30am PT / 10:30am ET. I also put my time zone in my email signature. If a call is before 7:00am, I decline and ask for a more amenable time unless it is truly urgent or with someone that is very difficult to catch. Otherwise I warn people that I am not at my peak effectiveness nor pleasantness before 7am PT.

        On a few occasions, I have used my family obligations as an excuse or delegated someone else on the east coast or in Europe to take the early call. I work with colleagues in India which is 12.5 hours ahead. Since I’m not a morning person, I’ll meet with them late in my evening. But that doesn’t work if I need someone from the East Coast or Europe also on the call.

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    2. stargazer*

      Agreed! I will *occasionally* agree to a meeting in the 7am hour, but not earlier than that (with the truly rare exception for meetings with senior leadership if no other time slots are available).

      I have had very little resistance when I remind people that I’m in Pacific time and ask for meetings to be later. I’m sure that will vary with company culture, and if you’re the ONLY person in a later time zone then it’s probably harder – but almost everyone understands that most people are not ready to start their workday at 5am.

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    3. ScruffyInternHerder*

      I have vast appreciation for the person who was in charge of an Eastern and Pacific timezone joint effort a few years back. Meetings alternated between “early and inconvenient for PST” and “late and inconvenient for EST” evenly, plenty of notice was provided, grace was allowed as needed, and because he was willing to be reasonable and impact everyone as little as he could…we all worked together like that.

      I’ve seen other cross timezone efforts in that same company go completely sideways when led by someone who demanded that the EST or CST be the default and screw everyone else, so yes, it was in fact notable.

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      1. Trudy's Blue Summer's Dress*

        Yes this should work fine as long as you have notice, both sides are equally inconvenienced AND (the big one) people are reasonable :)

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      2. Texan in Exile*

        I had a boss who got up at 4:00 a.m. to work out, then got ready and drove the hour from Chicago to Milwaukee to be in the office at 8:00. He had a standing call with our China office and with our India office at 9:00 a.m.

        Which was late evening for both of them.

        When I was setting up and training the people in our Dubai office, I would get up at my normal time, have my call with them at 6:00 a.m. my time s0 they would not have to work late, then shower and go to work.

        I suggested that approach to my boss and he just shrugged and said those people knew this was an international job. He would not have been inconvenienced *at all* by calling them earlier in the morning, but he just didn’t care.

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    4. Coverage Associate*

      I had a colleague here in California who regularly had mediations scheduled for 8am in person in New York as a flex. He told me he used to push back on having to get up so early after a late arrival the night before, or maybe the same morning, but eventually let the New Yorkers have their fun.

      I had a morning lark boss and an east coast client. The boss usually at least went through the motions of asking me if a video meeting before business hours was ok. I should have known something was up when he stopped asking and just scheduled the meetings for 7am. He gave notice a few weeks later.

      If he hadn’t given notice, I would have eventually spoken up, but I also know that all kinds of things can constrain meeting times, including both client needs and personal obligations.

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    5. RedinSC*

      Or, she could schedule their next follow up at 4pm Pacific. THis is the only time that works on my calendar, I’ll see you then!

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  10. marthooh*

    We can just take LW’s word for it that something was supposed to happen at the first meeting that would have prepared them for the second. We don’t really need to know precise details.

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    1. Ellis Bell*

      Assuming this is the case, I imagine it’s worth bringing up in the response; it’s relevant to the work and not being said to show pique. Something like “OK thanks for letting me know what happened. I was planning to use the information from our meeting to update Tom, but he’s not available now until Michaelmas; is there any way you can help out and (inset ideal way for colleague to make it up to you here).” This is respectful because you’re focused on the work, you’re treating the colleague as though of course it was regretted and they’d want to help everyone catch up. The key is to not always treat the word “okay” as meaning “everything is fine, no problems” because it can also mean “message received”, it can mark a thoughtful pause, or it can simply be the start to a sentence . It can mean complete indifference as to the reasons given. I got into a little discussion with my partner about this because we have a relative who is laying guilt trips on us and tries to excuse certain actions of theirs. My advice was to just “Ok” them to death because it’s the easiest way to not engage. My partner said this was wrong because”ok” always implies permission and agreement, so I replied to him; “Ok”.

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  11. YesPhoebeWould*

    Mistakes happen. EVERYONE, including you, makes them. Unless it becomes a clear pattern? Even Allison’s suggestion of emphasizing how it inconvenienced you will seem petty, and will likely induce that colleague to do the same to you. These things have a tendency to escalate and become nasty tit-for-tats.

    So unless you want your “I woke up at 5 AM for this meeting. You missed our scheduled meeting. How can we not let happen again?” to become their email to you in two weeks when YOU inevitably make a mistake (as we all will) “You stated that you would have that report to me by end of day Wednesday. It is now Thursday at 10 AM. This is the third time you have not met a deadline, so I am escalating to your boss.”?

    Your best option is to be gracious and let it go. Grace often begets grace. Pettiness begets pettiness.

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    1. A. Lab Rabbit*

      The question is literally how to say “This is not okay” because yes, mistakes happen, but also, you cannot just let all mistakes go. Some mistakes are inconsequential, and other mistakes have huge consequences.

      This is not about grace or pettiness, this is about making sure that these mistakes don’t continue. As I always say, it’s okay to make a mistake, but it is not okay to make the same mistake repetitively.

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      1. JTP*

        It sounds like this has only happened once. If it happens once, give grace and assume it’s a mistake, that the coworker is an adult and knows it can’t happen again and knows how to fix it so it won’t.

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      2. Scarlet ribbons in her hair*

        You reminded me of a previous job where I was an admin/back-up receptionist, and the receptionist, when going out to lunch, ALWAYS forgot to tell me “if so-and-so calls, tell him blahblahblah” and “if Mr. X calls, he’ll want to speak to Carol, but Carol won’t be here, and she wants the call given to Ed.” Inevitably, so-and-so would call, and I wouldn’t know to tell him anything, and Mr. X would call, and I would take a message for Carol. And there would wind up being a mess. I would have to say, “The receptionist didn’t tell me that.” Fortunately for me, the receptionist would always quickly acknowledge that she hadn’t told me. I would ask her why she didn’t tell me, and her answer was always the same – “I didn’t think of it.” I asked her to please tell me the next time there was something I needed to know, and she would always say okay, but she never did. She would ALWAYS say “I didn’t think of it.”

        Quite frequently, this resulted in my not knowing of the owner’s wishes as to what he wanted callers to be told. I suggested to the owner’s secretary that in addition to advising the receptionist, she should advise me. For some reason, she got very angry and shouted, “It’s not my job to tell you things! It’s my job to tell the receptionist things. And it’s HER job to tell YOU things!” Well, okay, as long as I didn’t get blamed. I just kept telling everyone, “Don’t blame me! The receptionist didn’t tell me!” And the receptionist kept telling everyone that she had neglected to tell me. As long as I wasn’t the one being blamed, I didn’t care. But the receptionist kept making the same mistake over and over again.

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        1. Delta Delta*

          Worse than this is knowing who/when you can patch calls through or not. In high school I worked at a small local retail store, owned by a guy who was also a landlord and who owned a couple other businesses. It was an absolute zoo knowing whether you could patch through this person or that person to the owner (if he was there). I quickly got the sense he would hide out at our store so he could avoid angry tenant calls or whatever. So, one day someone called for him and I said he wasn’t there, which was the right answer 90% of the time. Except this time it was his stockbroker and he didn’t get some stock purchases in before the bell. The only response I could muster was, “my bad.” Because putting calls through was also not the right answer.

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          1. Scarlet ribbons in her hair*

            You just reminded me of another company where I was supposed to be an admin and back-up receptionist, but since they didn’t have a receptionist, I was both an admin and the receptionist (with no back-up). Every so often, the owner would have a meeting that would last a few hours, and he would tell me before the meeting started that he did not want any calls, that he did not want to be interrupted unless it was to be told that the building was on fire. Okay.

            The problem was that after an hour or so, he would come out of his meeting and give me a list of people who, if they should call, he wanted to talk to. Inevitably, one of them had already called, and I had taken a message. He would then scream and scream at me, because he specifically told me that he wanted to take their call, and what did I do? I took a message! I would try to explain to him that they called BEFORE he told me that he wanted to talk to them, but it did no good – he just screamed and screamed.

            This happened every time he claimed that he didn’t want to be disturbed (unless the building caught on fire). But the names of people whose calls he would take were never the same, so I couldn’t tell myself, “Even though he said that he doesn’t want any calls, I know that he’ll want to talk to Mr. X.”

            One day, his stockbroker called. Since he had never been on the list of people that the owner wanted to talk to, I took a message. The stockbroker called back more than a dozen times, and each time I took a message. The owner had never said anything like “If someone calls me more than a dozen times and says that it’s urgent, give me the call.” I was never told to use my judgment. This happened on that day in the late 1980s when the stock market dropped approx 500 points, and the stockbroker really wanted to get the owner’s approval to sell his stocks, but I wouldn’t put his calls through. By the time the owner spoke to his stockbroker, he found out that he had lost a lot of money. He was so upset that, for some reason, he forgot to scream at me.

            The company was extremely toxic. I never regretted not having put the stockbroker’s calls through.

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    2. Mad Scientist*

      There’s nothing wrong with accountability being a two-way street. If I was consistently missing deadlines, I would expect to be called out on that regardless of whether or not I had called out someone else’s mistakes previously. The idea that you would only be held accountable out of pettiness / retaliation for holding someone else accountable… seems like a sign of a really dysfunctional workplace.

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      1. allathian*

        Indeed. I’m not particularly worried about being called out on my mistakes, because we all make them, and I prefer to be called out on them early so that I can at least try to fix them before they get worse. And if I make a mistake that inconveniences other people more than I’d expect, I appreciate being told. That way I can at least try to ensure that this particular mistake doesn’t happen again.

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    3. Ellis Bell*

      I think it’s very important we all stress that mistakes happen, and that people absolutely deserve grace. However, I think giving grace in an appropriate way is all part of the OP’s question. If OP were not interested in that they’d be okay with simply letting people know they feel put out and aggrieved; that’s a very easy thing to do! No advice required. However OP knows what to do when it’s truly NBD, and they know what to do when the person who dropped the ball seems to understand they truly messed up. OP is asking for graceful, kind ways to signal that people are underestimating the issue. Simply ways of saying ‘argh that was tricky to salvage actually’ rather than insincerely telling them it’s no problem.

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  12. GreenApplePie*

    As someone who grew up on the West Coast and moved east, you’d be surprised how many people simply don’t know that there’s a time difference!

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  13. greenland*

    I totally understand the desire for the reflexive platitude to respond to an apology. I’ve found “I appreciate that” as a good one — it doesn’t cancel out the problem like “no worries” does, and can either stand on its own or as a lead-in to talking more seriously about the impact.

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    1. duinath*

      yes. i don’t see a need to say “it’s ok” or “don’t worry about it” unless i actually mean that. it risks signaling (to some people, not all) that you actually don’t need to worry about it and it’s okay if it happens again. so unless i would actually be fine with that, i don’t think it’s necessary to say that. some people take you at your literal word, and it can be helpful to take that into account.

      so i think “i appreciate the apology” or “i appreciate that” or even “thanks” (in some settings) is a fine and good thing to say in response to any apology you feel was warranted.

      and then if you feel the apology (while needed) was not actually enough, you can move into talking about what the actual problem was.

      apologizing is an artform, i truly believe it is so important to work out how to do it right. a really good apology, imho, will have several parts to it. how necessary that is depends on the situation, but the formula i use generally goes:

      i’m sorry i did this
      here is why i did this
      here is why that was wrong
      here is how i’m going to make sure i don’t do this again

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  14. BellStell*

    I love Alison’s scripts here and also the notes from Heather above. I work with a lady based in DC and I am in Europe – we always run meetings at 3pm or later my time and sometimes well past 8pm for this lady – who literally never will be in office before 9am her time. It is a huge pain and my boss is finally also catching on to this – the DC lady is very inflexible (has been with us only 9 months now) and bosses everyone around (she is my boss’s peer)…. this lady misses call all the damn time if they happen even at 8am her time. It is annoying. But as Heather above noted there is a case of accountability needed if it happens a lot but that is not being applied here. OP, try to find a middle ground between my situation and the one you are in and be polite per Heather’s and Alison’s scripts.

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  15. BellStell*

    I have to do calls with Asia (6-8hrs ahead of me so as early as 5am my time) and USA and Latin America – sometimes even Fiji (12 hrs different). I accommodate usually because we flex our hours and it is what is required – but to be honest this kind of thing if it was only once, sure, it happens and I can adjust but if it happens more often, then nope. You can then accommodate my time zone.

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  16. Coverage Associate*

    To me, personally, yes, missing a call outside business hours is worse than missing a call during business hours, but I don’t know that the time would factor into my professional response, unless I had raised it as a special accommodation when the meeting was scheduled. Even then, sometimes meetings are scheduled specially even during regular business hours.

    My professional response would focus on not having the information for the next meeting.

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    1. Dinwar*

      Depends on how far outside business hours it is. If it’s “Stay a few minutes late” or “Show up 15 minutes early” that’s one thing–a fairly minor and normal inconvenience. If it’s “Be an hour early for no reason” or “Stay two hours late and miss your carpool/bus/train”, that’s something else entirely.

      Asking someone to re-arrange their personal lives for your convenience is a pretty big ask. And if you’re not courteous enough to be there, it’s adding insult to injury. It demonstrates a certain lack of professionalism and a lack of regard for that coworker. That sort of thing is worth bringing to someone’s attention. After all, even if YOU don’t have a lot of pull in the organization, if they make a habit of it they will eventually do this to someone like an executive, or a regulator, or a client–creating a situation where an “I’m sorry” is simply not going to be sufficient to repair the damage to the brand or other aspects of the company.

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      1. Coverage Associate*

        Thanks for the perspective. It’s very much true that not being a morning person has been moralized for me my whole life, so if 5am were to feel like an inconvenience, my parents and teachers would have said that was my own lazy fault. That probably weighs on whether I would raise the particular time of the missed call as a professional issue, versus just missing the call.

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        1. allathian*

          I’m a morning person, but even so a 5 am business call feels extreme, and I’m regularly at my desk by 6:30 if I’m WFH and by 8 at the latest when I go to the office. I expect the LW’s working hours may be a bit earlier because of the time zone difference than the supposed US standard office hours 9-5, but even so that would mean getting up at least an hour, possibly two or even three hours before their usual wake-up time. Not a reasonable ask, IMO.

          But even so, I’d lead with the business consequences of the missed meeting, and only bring up the missed meeting if the same person tried to schedule another 5 am meeting later. I think that the missed meeting gives the LW every right to reject every attempt by the same person to schedule another meeting at that hour.

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  17. Lisa B*

    LW, I find “I appreciate the apology” helps as a substitute for “it’s OK” when it’s not really OK. It acknowledges that the person messed up but moves on.
    If there are consequences to the mess-up (like that now X will be late because you needed Y information), you then deal with those politely and in a businesslike manner, just like Alison advised.

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  18. Artemesia*

    I still remember ‘making sure’ the building would be open as I wanted to come into get something done — then I didn’t. And the admin told me that she had needed to take her daughter somewhere last minute (doctor’s appointment or something like that ) and had had to cancel to get in to make sure I could get in. THAT stuck with me — my casual assumption that she would be there anyway and it was no big deal, was a big deal to her. And after that I was a lot more careful with casual requests or promises.

    I think clear firm statement of the consequences for you are called for in situations like this — moderated of course for your place in the hierarchy.

    for the OP. the ‘stop hand’ motion and ‘you need to not talk to me now, I have to get this work done’ is entirely appropriate and one hopes might begin to discourage her.

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  19. Aerin*

    Can I just say that reading this when it first came out was genuinely life-changing? I was always conflict-averse and had to deal with some habitual line-steppers who viewed their profuse apologies as a way to wipe the slate clean so they could carry on doing whatever had necessitated an apology. And I genuinely had no idea what else I could say! It was so empowering to have the language to break the cycle and deny these people (in my personal life, not at work) the reassurances they used to justify their behavior.

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    1. Mad Scientist*

      Same here! And your wording is spot-on regarding people “who viewed their profuse apologies as a way to wipe the slate clean so they could carry on doing whatever had necessitated an apology”. I was trying to convey a similar sentiment in my comment below, but the way you phrased it is much more clear.

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  20. Lacey*

    Once a coworker accidentally deleted my entire day’s worth of work.
    He apologized profusely.

    I said, “That’s ok” and he said, “Don’t tell me that or I won’t worry about making the same mistake again.”

    Which was also annoying because I assumed we were all on the same page that, “That’s ok” is a polite fiction I’m telling – since we both obviously know it isn’t ok at all, but there’s no way to fix it now.

    Now it doesn’t make a difference. I work with people who aren’t sorry if they cause problems for me, so I might as well say, “It’s ok” so they don’t complain about how mean I am for wanting them to follow the correct workflow.

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  21. Raida*

    I wouldn’t say “that is okay!”
    I would say “We got through a, b, c without you. x, y, z do need your input so I’m forwarding you the notes we had, if there is any clear answer to these send them to me and we’ll schedule a focussed meeting just for what is outstanding.”
    and if they then apologised a second time I’d say “I got up at 5am to do my job today. Sorry but I’m not really in the mood right now to be chipper. Sorry.”

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  22. Mad Scientist*

    It can be even trickier to respond when someone apologizes profusely for an error but then keeps repeating it. I used to have a coworker who would say things like “I sincerely apologize for this issue” about errors he made every week. It didn’t matter that he added the word “sincerely” in there, it’s hard to believe that an apology is sincere when someone continues doing the thing they just apologized for. And I didn’t need him to beat himself up, I just needed him to improve! He would also apologize for the wrong aspect of a situation, e.g. if he missed a deadline, he would apologize for having IT issues. But IT issues wouldn’t have mattered if he hadn’t waited until the last minute to begin working on that task. The missed deadline was due to poor time management, not IT issues.

    Obviously, when someone seems to feel bad, you don’t want to make them feel worse just because you can. But if it’s clear that they’re just apologizing for the sake of it, and they don’t actually understand WHY it’s an issue or what caused it… Then that needs to be addressed. Apologizing doesn’t absolve you of accountability. Actions speak louder than words!

    In those situations, I usually respond with some variation of “Thanks, but no need to apologize, please just do XYZ” or “I appreciate that, but since this issue keeps recurring, can you do XYZ to prevent it from happening next time?”

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  23. Anon. Scientist*

    I admit that I got into a weird pissing match when someone I worked with made a pretty consequential mistake and he kept apologizing with the expectation that I would say that it was ok. But it wasn’t OK. I was not at my best because I was pretty upset about the consequences to me and frankly I wasn’t in a headspace to be gracious. We went around several times before I finally told him I was accepting his apology and moving on. But I was 100% not going to tell him it was ok.

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