I have to give an employee feedback, but I’m not allowed to share specific examples

by Alison Green on April 14, 2025

A reader writes:

I have a new employee (Joe) who joined us three months ago in a manager role that needs to collaborate with and support other team’s workflows. His 90-day review is scheduled to be held in a couple of weeks.

I have received feedback from my manager that Joe has been stepping on a couple of our colleagues’ toes and is being a little too aggressive, veering into unprofessional territory with them. The two people reporting concerns are on a team that Joe needs to work very closely with and have a good relationship with to be successful in his role. One is a peer to him and another is a peer with me.

Some of the feedback is related to the boundaries of his role and responsibilities, and some is about approaching things more softly and assuming good intent. In previous roles, he managed a team and was responsible for the same work this other team does, but now at a larger organization his role is more of a collaborator and advisor; while he could advise on best practices, team leads will make the call in their domains of responsibility on how things work, not him.

I received a handful of specific examples of things that upset the team leads, but have been told by my boss (in consultation with my peer) that I can’t share the source of the feedback and specifics, and instead should review and clarify his role and responsibilities. I’ve already made the case that I need to share specifics since a good working relationship with this team is critical for their success in the role and got a no. She is concerned that if I tell him where the feedback from, it will sour his relationship with those people moving forward.

My perspective is that without receiving specific feedback they are likely to continue upsetting the other team and create irreparable tension. I don’t think this will set him up for success in navigating his relationship with this team, will likely dilute the message, and will perhaps cause him to be paranoid about who is sharing feedback. I don’t even think I will be able to say “I’ve received feedback but can’t share the source” and then share generic versions of the examples; I’m sure if I shared generic examples of how to approach things (“if someone misses a meeting you scheduled…”) Joe would be able to figure out the source so I’m feeling stuck.

I could frame this as my own observations, but I have only one direct observation of a time when he could have approached things more softly.

Yeah, your boss is doing a disservice to everyone, but especially to Joe.

“I heard feedback but can’t tell you specifics or who it’s from” is likely to make Joe paranoid about who has complained about him, and it also hamstrings you in your ability to give him the very clear and direct coaching that sounds like it’s needed (because you can’t cite those specific examples to illustrate what you mean).

Just “reviewing his role and responsibilities” may or may not get you anywhere. I imagine you already went over his role and responsibilities when bringing him on-board, so there’s no reason to think that reviewing that now will change anything significantly — and frankly, it risks making him confused or anxious because it’ll be clear something isn’t going quite right but he won’t know what. You need to be able to talk in specifics about where he’s calibrating wrong — where he needs to pull back or operate differently.

Any chance there’s a way for you to do that without citing real-life examples? This isn’t ideal, but in your shoes I’d probably approach it as: “From observing and talking to people, there are a few areas I want to clarify that you should approach differently. You’re here to collaborate and advise, but the team leads are the ones who make the final calls on things like ___. I know in the past you were responsible for managing that work yourself, so this is a change. It means you should do X instead of Y.”

That might be enough, if you’re lucky! But if Joe asks for more specifics about where this is coming from, you could say, “This isn’t normally the way I like to give feedback but in this case it was shared with me in confidence. I don’t think that’s particularly useful or fair, and I will push for it not to happen that way in the future. My understanding is that the people who raised the issue are confident you can excel in this role and don’t want to cause tension, but also wanted to make sure I’ve been clear enough with you on the boundaries of the role.” That’s not ideal, but it might be the closest you can get, given the constraints you’re working with.

Since you haven’t observed much of this yourself, you should also be deliberate about creating more opportunities where you will be able to spot how Joe is interacting with people, so that you’re more equipped to give feedback from your own firsthand observations. Not only will that make this all much easier if it has to be addressed again, but it’s smart to be doing after receiving this kind of feedback anyway, so that you can see for yourself what’s going on and where he might need additional coaching.

But also, revisit the topic with your boss if possible so that you’re not hamstrung this way in the future. In doing that, focus less on the risk of making Joe paranoid and more on the fact that effective feedback has to be specific — that you can’t coach him without being able to speak in concrete terms about what needs to change — and that if she’s concerned about it souring his relationships with the people who gave the feedback, that’s something you can address with him as his manager as well (starting with how you frame it, but also by watching for poor reactions from him and addressing it head-on if you spot that).

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{ 105 comments }

{ 105 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. I should really pick a name*

    Remember that you don’t have to wait for the 90-day review to bring up these issues.

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      1. Momma Bear*

        This happened to me – I found out that another team was frustrated with me during a mid-year review and it was so demoralizing. Between that and the overall number of bees in the company, I opted to find another job.

        I think it would help Joe more to know the scope of his role vs the boundaries of the other people’s roles and how to make it mesh better. Why wait for it to get worse? Not specifying just leaves Joe clueless and the other team frustrated.

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      2. Sydney*

        This.

        Often the instance that needed the criticism is long forgotten, so any learning opportunity has passed.

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      3. Goldie*

        Absolutely, give him the feedback now, ask him how those specific relationships are going and give feedback through this conversation. It will go much better in a one on one meeting and not in the 90 day. You can monitor progress between now and then too.

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        1. Yours sincerely, Raymond Holt*

          Yes! “There was a misunderstanding between you and Bob’s team last week, how do you feel it went? OK, here’s how it landed with Bob. Next time remember x y z.”

          A very different conversation than “Bob and his team have been mad at you for a year.”

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    2. FAFO*

      Yeah, that’s BS non-specific feedback. Likely the two complaining and ypur boss want him gone. You’re going to have your hands full with this one.

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    3. Yours sincerely, Raymond Holt*

      Yes! My line manager spend about six months or more cancelling every single 1-2-1. I know she was very busy but still. I kept her updated on what I was doing proactively during this time and offered her opportunities for feedback. She kept saying everything was great.

      Then in my end of year review she said she was really disappointed that I hadn’t got involved in a particular project. I hadn’t been invited to get involved, it didn’t align naturally with my areas of work… but if she’d said, just once, “please can you get involved in Project X, there’s a meeting on Friday, can you join?” I could have done that!

      I mean, even if I’m completely off base and it should have been obvious to get involved, I still don’t get why you’d say NOTHING for OVER HALF A YEAR and then suddenly throw it out. It would have taken 20 seconds to fix with one message or comment in person.

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  2. Bumblebee*

    My favorite feedback: “You’re too blunt sometimes.” “Can you give me an example? I’d love to know what I can change to address this.” “Not really, just one time last year I think we were in a meeting and I thought you could have been more diplomatic.”

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    1. Voodoo Priestess*

      I received “You’re too direct.” So I asked “Can you give me an example of what I need to change?”

      No. They could not. And the person giving me the feedback said “I don’t personally agree with this. I think you’re doing great.” So that made the feedback even more useless.

      Yes, I am a woman in a male-dominated field. No, I don’t work there anymore.

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      1. MigraineMonth*

        One of my managers actually took that feedback off my annual review after failing to come up with any example. (Didn’t stop him from passing it along during my referral, which my manager felt the need to pass along to my new manager even though “I haven’t seen any evidence of that problem myself.”)

        Why yes, I am also a woman in a male-dominated field. How did you guess?

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        1. Venus*

          I’m also a woman in a male-dominated field, and I was told that I was giving unsolicited advice. The one example given was when we were in a meeting and my manager observed the situation. I went to the person who had been given the advice because it’s someone I value and I didn’t want to do it again if problematic, and he looked surprised and told me that the advice was appropriate, useful, and appreciated. I relayed that to my manager who said that there were no more examples but the criticism would stay in my performance review.

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          1. Saturday*

            Gross. In a well-functioning workplace, “unsolicited advice” (or what normal people might call “suggestions”) are encouraged and useful when delivered respectfully and collaboratively.

            Reply ↓
            1. Totally Different Name*

              Advice and suggestions are only okay if they fit into the range of what your manager is familiar with themselves. Or maybe that’s just baggage from a not-so-well-functioning workplace.

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              1. Yours sincerely, Raymond Holt*

                A lot depends on tone and frequency.

                If people occasionally make suggestions, even if it’s not their usual expertise, and they do so in a way that acknowledges their lack of experience/not being close to the detail/etc, that’s fine. And sometimes useful.

                But constant “advice” on everything from people who know nothing but give it with a tone of expertise or explaining, nope.

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                1. Totally Different Name*

                  That’s all valid in well-functioning workplaces. But I’m familiar with places where people who give the “latter” kind of advice try to silence people giving the former. They also are quick to call people sharing their proven expertise know-it-alls.

      2. Lacey*

        Yeeees. Such an irritating form of feedback.

        You need to change, but we can’t tell you why and also I don’t personally think you do.
        But also, change.

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      3. foureyedlibrarian*

        I’m a woman in a woman dominated field but where men generally have the high level positions (libraries… yay) and I feel you

        Reply ↓
        1. Your former password resetter*

          Also known as “most women-dominated fields” unfortunately…
          Hurray for deeply ingrained sexism!

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      4. Tai*

        One of my male supervisors told me my expression was “off-putting.” That’s about as unhelpful as the feedback here for Joe.

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      5. Texan in Exile*

        I didn’t even have to read to your last sentence to know that you are a woman.

        I, too, have gotten that exact feedback – “You’re too direct. No I cannot give you any examples.”

        I also got, “You use big words that make people feel stupid. No, I can’t give you an example.”

        Both times, feedback from male boss to female me.

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        1. AnotherOne*

          Maybe we should have kids sit in on everyone’s performance reviews and they can give reviews of the reviewers.

          Reply ↓
    2. Analytical Tree Hugger*

      Oh, the irony of bluntly telling someone “you’re too blunt” (Insert internal eyeroll).

      Also, feedback one year later?? Bad feedback practice.

      Reply ↓
    3. PandemicBarber*

      I’ve got one…..”you’re too East Coast”. I am a transplant to the Midwest. When asked what changes they could suggest it was all “be sweet” kind of crapola.

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      1. Da Analyst*

        That’s …. interesting. I find that the Midwest is pretty upfront and a good blend between Southern and NE conversation cultures. And by “good” I mean fairly easy for either group to assimilate too.

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        1. Clisby*

          I would have thought so, too. I lived almost 9 years in Ohio (rest of my life spent in the US South) – I fit right in. The only thing I had to adjust to was snow, but of course I expected that.

          Reply ↓
        2. Ally McBeal*

          I’m originally from the Midwest but grew up in the South and lived in NYC as a young adult before moving back to the Midwest. You’re mostly right but I think the “blend” depends on where you are in the Midwest. Detroit, fine for NE transplants… small town Iowa, better for Southerners.

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      2. East Coast*

        As an East Coast transplant to the Midwest, this meant to0 independent, too pushy, too abrupt, not collegial (getting right to the point without a bunch of niceties like “how was your weekend?”) Most of the things that I was criticized for in my first performance evaluation were turned into attributes by my second year- takes risks, shows leadership, not afraid to disagree, team builder, fresh ideas, ability to complete complex tasks in a timely manner, foresees roadblocks and works to remove or minimize. Of course this is in a healthy department. I wouldn’t have lasted ten months if it was full of bees.

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    4. TheBunny*

      I was once told I’m too nice and friendly with me team AND too aloof. By the same manager. Within a week of one another.

      Reply ↓
  3. Bitsy*

    I’ve been on the receiving end of feedback like this. “Someone thinks you’re doing something wrong but I won’t tell you who it is or what you’re doing, but it’s very important that you change how you’re behaving right away.” It’s so unhelpful in every possible way.

    Reply ↓
    1. Charlotte Lucas*

      Not only that, but I’ve also been in the situation where a bad manager either was just looking for ammunition or misinterpreting a valid concern brought up by a fellow manager. (I came to realize that a Very Good Manager once brought up witnessing some of my very valid frustration about overwork and under communication. I am sure he was trying to coach the other manager in noticing these things about his employees. My Annoyingly Incompetent Manager interpreted that as having to tell me not to share frustrations.)

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    2. Anon this time*

      Add to this that the feedback is from 12-18 months previous . . . I’ve been in that situation. It’s ridiculous. I felt blindsided and untrusted.

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    4. Seal*

      The worst manager I ever had – who had been inexplicably promoted over far more experienced and competent people – gave me two written warnings for unspecified incidents and for “being negative”. The irony of this coming from someone who regularly screamed at staff members in public and cultivated an inner circle of inexperienced staff members that would put DOGE to shame was completely lost on this despicable bully. The irony wasn’t lost on most of the staff though; three quarters of them left in a year and a half. Most of us were very specific about why we were leaving, too.

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    5. Disappointed with the Staff*

      I have previously taken that to mean “you should find another job, and soon” because it means someone is keeping a list of things you’ve done wrong, but that list isn’t being used to help you improve. It’s for something else. Hmm. I wonder what that could be?

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    6. allathian*

      Indeed. In an internal audit a few years ago someone shared some critical feedback about my and my close coworker’s work with the auditor, who shared it with our then-manager, who told us. The auditor shared the feedback but refused to share any details including when the incident had occurred, what exactly the reporter was dissatisfied with, and who had made the complaint. I took one look at the feedback and told my boss something like “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing actionable in this feedback and so with your permission I’m going to ignore it.” My then-manager nodded vigorously and said something like “You have my enthusiastic permission to ignore it.” She then sent an email to the auditor with a CC to me and my close coworker with the same job description and said something like “Thanks again for the feedback, but unless you have more details to share, it’s completely unactionable and we’re going to ignore it.” She’d asked for more details before without getting any.

      In the next internal audit that I also participated in as a reporter, they asked us to only provide actionable feedback and said that vague complaints about the functions being audited wouldn’t be passed on unless we were specific. So at least the auditor acted on the feedback they got!

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    7. London Calling*

      I was told – in a meeting that was being held to discuss an issue that was concerning me – that I was ‘rude.’ I acknowledge that I can be blunt and occasionally terse, so I asked for context and who I’d been rude to so I could make an apology – in front of the department of necessary. And when the manager was evasive politely pressed the issue, telling her that I valued relationships with my colleagues and I’d like the chance to repair them.

      Coincidentally I’m sure, the meeting was about cliqueiness and ostracism in the department that I felt was being aimed at me, and guess who was a member of that clique?

      I realised at the time that her behaviour was a deflection tactic from the point at issue and designed to put me in the wrong, and I actually checked on AAM about this sort of feedback and how to deal with it. What I drew from my reading and my own conclusions is that this sort of feedback, and the sort the LW’s manager wants her to give is that criticism without context and examples is useless because it’s non actionable and no better than gossip. And her attitude permanently soured our relationship from my POV because it crystallised an already nagging suspicion that she wasn’t to be trusted.

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    2. Sloanicota*

      If I were OP, I think I’d try to put myself in a situation where I can observe some of these interactions and then the observation can come *from me.*

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      1. Festively Dressed Earl*

        I thought the same thing, but OP states at the end of the letter that they only have one personal example they could use.

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        1. I went to school with only 1 Jennifer*

          Right. Which is why they need to put themselves into situations where they can make direct observation. Then they’ll have more than one example to use.

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  5. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

    Wanted to emphasize Alison’s last point. If there were to be difficulties in Joe’s relationships after the LW shared specific feedback, that would be an issue for her to address, too. “You can’t be a jerk to other people” is a pretty basic work requirement.

    Personally, if I was the LW, I’d be a little insulted that people are acting as though I couldn’t handle it if Joe didn’t take it well. And if I was Joe, (assuming that there wasn’t any specific reason for concern) I’d be hurt that people thought I would behave inappropriately after getting reasonable feedback that is intended to help me.

    Reply ↓
    1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

      Would it be possible to get the message out to the other team that if they want Joe to approach things differently, they could tell him in the moment? Like, just tell him “oh, this process works like [THIS] here,” going for a casual, FYI-type vibe. If Joe’s a reasonable human, he should be cool about this. If he’s not cool about it, see above – his manager would need to deal with it.

      Ultimately, people are going to need to decide if they’d prefer the problem continuing and letting their annoyance fester or risking some (hopefully mild) awkwardness.

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      1. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

        I was similarly wondering if a meeting to cover roles and responsibilities with all affected might work.

        Reply ↓
        1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

          Yeah, this could be one way out of a challenging situation. It has the drawbacks of wasting the other team’s time and running the risk of everyone figuring out that this whole thing is about giving Joe feedback (and giving that feedback in front of everyone), since the roles and responsibilities haven’t changed. But that’s all because the LW isn’t allowed to tackle this directly.

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    2. Analytical Tree Hugger*

      Yes, thank you! I was trying to articulate why it seemed strange OP’s boss and colleagues are worried about specific feedback souring relationships.

      A while back, I had a colleague for whom feedback DID sour relationships, so I went through our manager to provide feedback. Unfortunately, our manager didn’t get that it was a red flag I wasn’t willing to be candid with that one coworker, considering I was being known for being kind and direct with uncomfortable feedback.

      Reply ↓
  6. Antilles*

    Clarifying his role and responsibilities is a laughable suggestion in this case. If the issue was solely about the boundaries that he’s, e.g., not supposed to be reviewing project budgets, then fine.
    But when the primary issue is teamwork and professionalism, anything you bring up regarding the role’s responsibilities are likely to get him sidetracked onto tasks rather than the overall attitude. He’s going to hear your message about not reviewing budgets, stop doing it, and walk away thinking problem solved so hang the Mission Accomplished banner. Meanwhile, all the other teams are still annoyed because the issue was never actually about budgetary spreadsheet reviews.

    Reply ↓
  7. Margaret Cavendish*

    OP, you might want to explain to your boss that Joe’s relationship with the other team is already damaged – that’s exactly what the feedback is about!

    I suppose it could get worse if you share the specifics with him. But the reverse is not true – it’s certainly not going to get better, if you don’t.

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    1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

      Excellent point. It’s damaged and he might not even know it. Or may know that something is off, but not why.

      Reply ↓
  8. mreasy*

    Can confirm this will just make Joe paranoid, think everyone feels this way, and insecure about his employment. I was in a similar situation for nearly 4 years and it has done a lot of damage. Telling someone to change their behavior without examples is useless.

    Reply ↓
  9. Sybil Writes*

    Alison, I feel seen. Thank you for your response to this. A very similar thing happened to me a couple of years ago, in a new job. I was the “Joe” in my situation and the letter writer describes how I was given negative feedback without any specific details. I can’t tell you how much self-control it took not to get completely defensive; ” you want me to change specific behavior that you are not even willing to define in specific terms?” There seems to be a bit of a tattle-tale culture where I work, especially around new people. I don’t think the intent is malicious, but the results are toxic. By the way, I have never been on the receiving end of this kind of feedback
    I was indeed paranoid and anxious for quite a long period, I’d say months. Rather than be in a position to correct (or explain) my behavior and improve my working relationship with a specific person or team, I was left wondering if there was anyone I could trust and second guessing every interaction. I came home from work more than a few times and assumed the fetal position, in tears. I’m welling up even now, 3 1/2 years later. In so many ways this employer has been great, but this way of handling interpersonal (it does seem to be only around “he was rude/she came off as aggressive” type stuff) feedback is among the worst things I’ve experienced in 40 years of working.
    I did not quit over this, for a variety of reasons. If I had felt I had more options and wasn’t so emotionally destabilized over it, I might have. It definitely put a damper on my overall enthusiasm for the organization.
    Anyway, I really appreciate Alison’s insightful response.

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  10. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

    You’re boss’s concern that giving specific examples will sour relationships going forward is certainly a possibility, but if that happens, that’s good insight into whether Joe can really succeed. The other possibility is that he understands the feedback, alters his approach, and relationships improve, benefitting everyone.

    Instead of giving Joe that chance, it’s like the boss wants to ensure relationships definitely will sour. Without specifics, Joe’s not going to know what to do differently and will keep stepping on those toes, upsetting others more and more.

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    1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

      Exactly this. What is more important to them: solving the problem or avoiding potential interpersonal awkwardness?

      Reply ↓
  11. Scarlet ribbons in her hair*

    Joe is being set up to fail.

    I’m reminded of a previous job where I was a sales assistant to a stockbroker. For a myriad of reasons that I won’t go into here, the job was a disaster. I was then given the job of secretary to the branch manager, a position which was created for me. I was overjoyed.

    I thought that I was doing a good job until the day the branch manager told me that I wasn’t aggressive enough. (I thought that he meant “assertive,” not “aggressive,” but I certainly wasn’t going to say that.) I pointed out a few instances in which I had been aggressive, and the branch manager agreed that I had been aggressive. I then asked for some examples of the times that I hadn’t been aggressive enough, and what I should have done. The branch manager admitted that he couldn’t think of even one example. Yet, he insisted that I wasn’t aggressive enough.

    Then he told me that TPTB had not approved the creation of my new position, and I should look for another job (at another company). Two or three times a week, he reminded me that I should be looking for a new job. When I found a new job, I gave him two weeks notice. He pretended to be shocked to hear it.

    I feel sorry for Joe.

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  12. A. Lab Rabbit*

    He stepped on toes? He crossed boundaries? He’s being unprofessional?

    That sort of stuff is definitely in immediate feedback territory. This company is setting him up for failure in more ways than one.

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  13. The Other Evil HR Lady*

    OMG! Vivid flashback of when I was given feedback that I was coming off as “not nice enough.” When I asked for an example, I was told I would not get one. So I was scrupulous about being super sweet with everybody, practically a doormat (in a role where that doesn’t work very well – HR). I was given the same feedback again. If I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, and you won’t tell me, don’t even bother. Just don’t. It made me paranoid to the point that one day I just walked out. I’d never walked out of a job before or since. AND THIS WAS HR. You have to trust that everyone involved is an adult that wants to hear when their tone or language is coming across a different way than intended – and that they WANT to do something about it. Then, if they don’t, you address that.

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    2. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      I’m sorry you went through that. I’ve been in similar situations where they couldn’t give me concreate info, and when they did I countered it (I was too loud and angry on the phone) with explanations (I was talking with someone who was partially deaf and kept telling me to speak up.) and I was still told off.

      As far as you not being nice enough I bet someone had a fit that you told them no to something and/or you didn’t smile enough (because women who don’t smile all the time are not nice).

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  14. Freddy*

    Not only is this condescending to Joe, treating him like a child that can’t handle the feedback, but it’s also an anonymous accusation. That’s how I would take it. “Someone complained about you, we’re not going to tell you what exactly they complained about or who made the complaint, but you’d better straighten out.” Who knows, there might be some useful context Joe could provide. A defense of sorts. But it’s down as a mark against him. Not fair at all.

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    1. AnonForThisComment*

      I am anon for this because it’s at least potentially identifiable.

      I was once yelled at by a boss for playing favorites because I was allowing one person to WFH and not another.

      The person who complained eavesdrops ALL the time and goes into fits over half the info.

      My boss called me livid. I replied “well the reason big ears couldn’t hear both sides is the “favorite” employee and I were discussing a possible pregnancy accommodation and as the pregnancy wasn’t public knowledge yet we kept it quiet.”

      I then finished by saying I most certainly was treating one employee differently…one is pregnant.

      She dropped it. But it’s been a few years and I still remember it. And were I only told I was playing favorites I would have had no way to even begin to clarify why what I was doing was actually correct.

      Is this Joe’s situation? who knows but it’s certainly a case against vague feedback

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  15. Fíriel*

    I do just want to pause for a minute and consider the situation of the people who’ve complained, about Joe’s behaviour – they are being required to continue working with Joe despite it, and I can imagine they would feel an increased sense of distrust in their workplace if the specific examples they’d shared in purported confidence were revealed to Joe without them being aware/willing. This could have a chilling effect on people’s willingness to share information in the future, which would be bad. I certainly have been in positions where I was unable to share information about things that had impacted me because I didn’t trust the confidentiality of supposedly confidential processes, and knew my examples were too identifiable as me, and would never want to put anyone through that. I’m not saying giving no examples is right either, merely that I’m not sure this situation is all that clear-cut

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    1. Zarniwoop*

      It maybe means not doing anything until LW has observed something herself. Off the record complaints have limited usefulness.

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    2. hotg0ss*

      I don’t think the OP actually says that things were shared in confidence, and unless it was explicit, that wouldn’t be a reasonable expectation to have. If it was an explicitly secret thing, then absolutely I agree with you, but we don’t know that here.

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      1. Zona the Great*

        If someone complained to me and then told me it was in confidence and that I wasn’t to do anything about it, I’d be resentful for being burdened with something that effectively doesn’t involve me at all. Why say something at all if it is to be in confidence?

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        1. hotg0ss*

          Well, I think the move there is to preempt it- “Before you start, I want to let you know that this conversation isn’t in confidence. That means I may use this example, with or without your name, in whatever next steps I take to fix the problem. Do you still want to talk about it?”
          If an employee wants to complain about something in confidence, and not have anyone feel like they have to act, they should talk to their therapist or a non-work friend! Exceptions obviously exist, but I don’t think OP’s situation is one of them.

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          1. Kevin Sours*

            I have mixed feelings. We don’t live an a fairy tale world. People are concerned about potential retaliation and it’s something that’s not always handled appropriately. I’m sure that a complaint given in confidence which you can’t act on is a frustrating. But it is information. Armed with it you can take measures to observe for yourself that you might not take otherwise.

            What you can’t do is go to Joe and ask him to change his behavior in non specific ways to address a complaint you can’t tell him about. It’s simply not fair to him.

            But I think it’s important to set expectations with the complainer: “I will keep this confidential but that means I can’t address it directly, how do you want to proceed?”

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            1. allathian*

              Yes, absolutely.

              Feedback that can’t be shared with the person most concerned can be useful as grounds for further investigation, but otherwise it’s useless.

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    3. owen*

      yet then you have the situation where you have shared specific problems with the relevant people, are possibly content it will be handled… and then it is not, because no one will tell Joe what, exactly, he needs to change, and he is changing the wrong things, or at least not changing the actual problematic things. the cycle can repeat, perhaps you are even told that it will be handled. and yet.

      so then you are in a place where you have passed on feedback appropriately, and yet nothing has changed – so now you have lost confidence in the feedback process, and/or your management as effective. it seems a no win situation.

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    4. Kevin Sours*

      Just so long as you understand that sharing it confidence hamstrings the ability of the manager to actually do anything about it.

      Reply ↓
  16. Zarniwoop*

    “She is concerned that if I tell him where the feedback from, it will sour his relationship with those people moving forward.”
    Is there something about Joe in particular that raises this concern? Or is “someone complained about you but we won’t say who” standard procedure where you work?

    Reply ↓
    1. fhqwhgads*

      Joe’s already soured the relationship with those people himself. Not giving him actionable feedback can only make it worse.

      Reply ↓
  17. hotg0ss*

    Probably useful for the OP- the “you may also like” posts are all from employees on the receiving end of anonymous feedback. You’re right to feel weird about it, because it’s not helpful for anyone involved.

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  18. I'm just here for the cats!!*

    Please do not give anonymous feedback. I had gotten feedback (about taking time off!) and it made me wonder who in my team was watching when I took time off and why.

    Reply ↓
    1. Lisa*

      The bigger problem there isn’t the anonymity, it’s that the manager/supervisor/whoever gave you that feedback instead of telling the complainer that it was not their business to track that and to knock it off!

      Reply ↓
  19. Cardoons? Delicious!*

    Yeah, no. Receiving vague feedback from the owner of a firm who couldn’t give me any example of the vague things was one of the last straws at a place that was already full of b.s. Absurd. In my case, it didn’t lead to paranoia, because I’d already had it with the abdication of anything resembling decent management. I think Alison’s suggestions are the best that can be done in the circumstances but are so far from ideal that I predict Joe doesn’t last long and due to little fault of his own.

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  20. Franz Kafka*

    That’s a hilarious way to manage.

    “You did a bad job when you did that thing wrong.”

    “What thing?”

    “I’m not allowed to share specifics. Also you shouldn’t have handled that other thing that way.”

    “What way?”

    “I’m not allowed to share specifics.”

    Reply ↓
  21. allergictolife*

    I received this kind of anonymous feedback at my last job. My manager basically told me “someone in leadership told me that you said something they didn’t like, and I can’t tell you anything more specific than that, but now you aren’t being put up for promotion.”

    I was pretty new to my career, and the feedback was very upsetting and confusing to me. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I did wrong—was it the question I asked in a meeting? Something I said during the group dinner? Did someone overhear what I privately said to a peer? It made me paranoid about how I acted at work, and it reduced my trust in my manager. Even after I stopped reporting to her, I felt anxiety about 1-1s with my managers for a long time.

    As a pretty outspoken person, I did learn that I should default to keeping my mouth shut. That was a valuable professional lesson. Otherwise it was a really damaging experience.

    Reply ↓
    1. Aggretsuko*

      Default to keeping your mouth shut is usually an excellent idea. If you don’t give people ammunition, they can’t shoot you back with what you said. (Though some will then complain that you never speak, either.)

      Reply ↓
      1. cncx*

        Had a boss like this. If I talked, it was too much, if I said nothing, I was “too discreet.” Came to the conclusion that he was gonna not like something about me no matter what I did. It has been hard to navigate when a well intentioned boss gives constructive criticism or feedback because I am like, is he just looking for something to complain about or is this valid? I hate it, so damaging and so much extra mental load for me.

        Reply ↓
        1. allathian*

          Yeah, that sucks. It’s really hard to work for someone who always finds fault with you no matter what you do (or don’t do). The only way to deal with such people is to get another job as soon as possible and to do what you want, or rather what you feel is necessary to get the job done until you can get out.

          Easier said than done, I know.

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  22. Atomic Tangerine*

    Given that this is what you have to work with, could you try this as one or several coaching conversations?

    If I were doing this, I’d start by asking how he feels his relationships with teams X and Y are going and ask a lot of follow-up questions. Chances are if he’s a reasonably observant person, he is picking up on tension. If you can get him to surface it himself, that could open you up for the conversation you want to have with those scenarios.

    You could run through some hypotheticals as well. Start with “tell me about your approach to Z” and then ask how that goes, etc.

    Reply ↓
    1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

      Good option. Ask him how he thinks things are going and how he’s getting along with the other groups. Might be more effective as a conversation outside of a formal review, though.

      Reply ↓
  23. Cat Lady in the Mountains*

    I’ve been in a similar situation before, and a few things that worked for me:
    – Can you make some level of an independent judgement call on what’s too specific? Like, your manager is concerned with damaging relationships, but is that actually their call to make if it’s your direct report? It probably shouldn’t be. You’ll have to take your manager’s guidance into account, but really you need to be able to disagree with them on how to manage your team and you should be able to make the final decision, especially on something this nuanced.
    – Can you go back to the people who shared the feedback directly and talk to them about what you can share? Have they given this feedback to Joe directly? Should they? (If they’re fairly senior, I’d argue they should if they haven’t already – if they’re very junior to Joe you might have to intervene in that power dynamic.) Can you frame it for them as “I’m taking this seriously and really committed to improving the dynamic, but in order to do that I really have to be able to give specific examples. Are you comfortable with me using this instance as an example?” Can you be clearer with them that they can’t expect anything to change if they’re not willing to be direct (either themselves or through you)?
    – Also – before you do that – get real clear in your head about how you can prevent Joe from retaliating, and share your plan for that with the folks giving the feedback. The more specific you can be, the better. (But also, do you think Joe actually is likely to retaliate? If Joe can’t take critical feedback professionally you have a much bigger management problem on your hands.)

    Reply ↓
    1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

      Perhaps the LW can talk about the general themes of the feedback, particularly around overstepping. Is there any possibility of coming up with hypothetical scenarios to illustrate the points? Obviously, it would be better to give the actual examples, but maybe hypotheticals are the best option available, since I would tread very carefully with disobeying something my own manager told me.

      Something like “I’ve gotten feedback from other areas that there is still some work to do with adjusting to the way we structure and organize things. In this role, the focus is on collaborating and supporting, rather than managing. [Insert Alison’s script about how you’re not allowed to give the specific examples and that this isn’t what you want to do]. As a hypothetical, I know it’s typical for the Llama Manager to decide what tools will be using for grooming. In our structure, the Llama Manager makes suggestions of tools that would be suitable and flags any new tools on the market we might want to try, but the ultimate decision is made by the Grooming Lead.” It’s not ideal, but it gives Joe something to contextualize things.

      Reply ↓
  24. DramaQ*

    Argh the vague anonymous feedback loop!

    I got that in my last review that I am “too negative and make people uncomfortable”. Okay . .. can you please provide me with some examples so I know what I am saying/doing that make people feel that way?

    No, there are no specific examples but we just wanted you to know that you make people uncomfortable and you need to work on that.

    I have since learned there is a very passive aggressive type culture here and they don’t appreciate you being direct, especially if you are female. We don’t address problems here, we blame/deflect/circle the wagon and then whine that the employee survey shows people aren’t motivated to go th eextra mile.

    Then the next review I got that I am not aggressive enough. You told me last time I make people uncomfortable and that I need to smile/be nice more!

    Anyone know what “aggressively nice” would look like?

    I am probably reading too much into my personal experience but without specific examples is it really Joe is the problem or that the people he works with are having a beef with him but instead of addressing in the moment (“Hey Joe, we do things like X here not like Y as you are used to) they are taking it directly to their boss and building mountains out of what otherwise would be molehills?

    I hate the indirect BS which just leads to paranoia and resentment because you have no idea who is saying what or why you are just supposed to “fix it”. IMO you have more than a Joe problem. You have a team/manager problem because if Joe is this much of an issue he shouldn’t have been allowed to keep going this long without feedback.

    It is not to say Joe couldn’t turn it around but if it’s already been 90 days that is long enough he’ll have to unlearn and unlearn his behaviors fast. It also sounds like the damage has already been done with the team. Even if Joe improves will they welcome him?

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  25. WoodswomanWrites*

    As someone who appreciates and implements feedback, this would drive me nuts. It would create the exact response of the one that OP’s manager is trying to avoid. It would cause anxiety because I wouldn’t know how to improve my collaboration with anyone, lose respect for management, and undermine my trust in the workplace. That would be a great way to launch my job search.

    Reply ↓
  26. Overthinking It*

    So, the people who have issues with the way they are being treated by their manage/supervisor/boss ( for purpose of clarity I’m assuming all these terms mean the same “person directly responsible for making sure you do your work properly) ate going TWO steps up the ladder to complain/get help?? Why? Why didn’t they come to you Mr./Ms one step above? This suggests you may be part of the problem.Better have a. o versatile with your boss who is channeling this “feedback” to see why it is coming to you this way. And maybe have a (very gentle!) conversation with the originator treasure them that they can come to you and you won’t make the issue worse for them.

    Reply ↓
  27. CubeFarmer*

    I’d ask the manager to sit in on the review to provide more background about the feedback.

    Also, these instances should have been brought up in moment.

    Reply ↓
  28. Cacofonix*

    Frankly, were I LW, I’d do my best to give role boundaries, the one actual example, and similar hypothetical specific examples first. If pressed, I’d ask Joe to reflect and give me a recent real one and what he would do differently now that he has some context. If he still doesn’t understand, I’d give him one or two examples I was told not to give, then coach him on how he is to proceed. Eg, no confrontation or apology, just behavioural change and follow-up with me. As in, not a secret, not a witch hunt, just a genuine desire to apply corrections.

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  29. metronomic*

    OP here – I wasn’t clear, but I plan to give feedback BEFORE the 90 day review, but the timing of receiving this feedback from my boss and peer is very close to the review, making it all the more important that I’m able to provide clear feedback with examples.

    Thanks for the suggestions!

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  30. Not your typical admin*

    I would argue that by not giving specific feedback, you run the risk of damaging Joe’s relationship with more people. If I was given that feedback, I would start over analyzing all my recent conversations with all of my coworkers. It would lead to a sense of distrust with all of them. In my experience anonymous feedback rarely works. The person either ignores it because they can’t figure out what they did wrong, or shuts down and becomes paranoid.

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  31. Inkognyto*

    OP:
    If Joe works closely with this team a lot as his primary job and he get’s vague feedback and you cannot disclose sources, he knows very well where it came from. Do they think people cannot connect the dots?

    Unless he works with dozens of teams I doubt this is going to help anyone.

    This is work. Talk about it like adults.

    If this is the method your boss wants you to use for Joe odds are it won’t be a one off.

    You will have to keep managing this way. Best of Luck.

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  32. Da Analyst*

    Early on in my career I got some vague feedback about being careful what I say at off site meetings because that is how I will be remembered. I asked for an example of or specifics and was told for privacy reasons he couldn’t share.

    Well I took it to mean I had been too forthcoming about the KPIs and had misjudged the audiences “clearance” level on those. From then on I dodged questions about it, refused to give specific numbers, and always double checked with my boss if so and so was allowed to know the numbers of I was really pressed.

    6-months later at my next performance Check-In he was like “Why won’t you answer their questions!” I explained that I was trying to be careful what I say like he told me during our last meeting and his jaw dropped. “No! That wasn’t about KPIs.! I meant that you shouldn’t have shared that you were having allergies!”

    So yeah to avoid 6 months of Joe working on the wrong thing and possibly shooting off in the wrong direction just be upfront and direct.

    Reply ↓
    1. allathian*

      Yeah, and that whole feedback thing is weird. Why shouldn’t you be allowed to share that you have allergies if they’re affecting your work performance or appearance in some way? It’s nothing particularly memorable, either given that some 10-40 percent of the world population (depending on the estimate) are affected by allergic rhinitis.

      I get the point that you don’t necessarily want to make people remember you primarily for something not job-related, but that’s also ableist and other -ist thinking, lots of people have no choice in whether they’re primarily remembered for something other than their work performance. Ask any member of a visible minority.

      Reply ↓
  33. Finch*

    It’s hard – I have been in the situation a few times as a manager where people have complained to me about a staff member, but not been willing for me to address it with the person as they aren’t comfortable with it being shared.
    I can’t breach confidentiality but also I don’t want this person to continue the behaviour. The behaviour is of course going to continue if I always get people complaining confidentially, and it’s not something I can observe first hand…but I do get why people are afraid to say anything on the record (mainly for fear of damaging a working relationship).

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  34. TheBunny*

    This also risks Joe not taking it seriously or discounting it.

    I’m a big believer in the idea that if I’m doing something that doesn’t work for you, and you don’t TELL me, you don’t get to be angrier and angrier when I keep doing it. While there is additional nuance to this, it’s close enough to it for me to see Joe hearing you and deciding that feathers are ruffled because he’s right.

    And that’s an entirely different problem.

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  35. Office Manager*

    I was the employee in this situation at my first corporate job! I knew who complained and the manager didn’t have the full context about the coworker. (I had just reported a mistake she made that put a patient in harms way, this was the medical field. I did it very sensitively and quietly because I couldn’t talk to her first because the mistake had to be corrected by management and she was absent that day.)

    I tried to let the manager I was talking to know I know who complained and would love to give context and apologize as needed, but the manager wouldn’t hear it and refused to drop the pretense that the complaint was “anonymous.” I got written up. I realized then and there if that coworker complained about me again management wouldn’t listen to my side, so I found a new job within a few weeks.

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  36. Crappy New Manager*

    I had a professional who got anonymous end-of-year feedback that was “negative,” i.e., improvement-focused, and the professional got super-focused on who might have said it. It was awkward for me because they forgot they had asked this person for feedback, so ended up “blaming” someone else. I think it has impacted that relationship, though the one dude has no idea why he is getting frosted. I am pretty sure I should have handled the whole thing better, ugh.

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  37. DE*

    What does “ended our friendship” even mean? If OP sat the friend down and said “we should break up as friends” that *is* really weird. I’ve never even considered doing something like that with a friend. Just stop hanging out. It’s not like breaking up with a romantic partner.

    I would also probably not be comfortable with someone who did some formal friend “break up” ritual with me. That is genuinely odd.

    Reply ↓
  38. Yours sincerely, Raymond Holt*

    Unclear feedback is infuriating. For me, it does exactly what Alison says here: cue me in that something is wrong, but give me none of the information I need on how to put it right.

    Reviewing the role and responsibilities without explaining why would potentially feel like it was bordering on passive aggressive to me.

    Reply ↓

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