my boss is my boyfriend and won’t give me a day off, coworker asked my employee to hide info from me, and more

by Alison Green on April 16, 2025

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss is my boyfriend and won’t give me a day off

The owner of the restaurant where I work is my boyfriend and the general manager. I asked for a day off a month ahead of when I needed it off. It’s on Mother’s Day and, yes, it is one of the busiest days of the year. But I have worked there for three years and never took a day off, unless he wanted us to go on a vacation. He recently hired someone two weeks ago and promised her Mother’s Day off because it’s her birthday. I have missed out on so so many things in the past three years because he needed me to work.

I am loyal and I want to help him out, and I generally don’t complain. This one time I do and he acts like I’m the worst person ever and how dare I. I’ll lose hours and maybe even my place where we live together if I do take it off. I feel like I live one life and I feel like he is just treating me like a body there, like I’m replaceable, and he keeps on working me to the bone but refuses to see it in my way at all. It’s just unfair and I don’t know if I should quit or just firmly say I’m taking the day off.

Consider leaving both the job and the relationship.

It’s true that in the restaurant business, it’s hard to get days like Mother’s Day off; that’s part of the job. But if he’s offered that day off to a brand new hire, while not giving you any days of your choosing for three years, there’s a problem here, with both the job and the boyfriend. And it sounds like you think that if you take the day off anyway, that itself could jeopardize your relationship (“I’ll maybe lose the place where we live”)? Start thinking seriously about what’s keeping you in both these entanglements (the job and the man), and at a minimum start trying to separate them out from each other. It might get a lot easier to clearly see the state of the relationship if you’re no longer working together.

2. Our boss is MIA

I work at a small nonprofit. I have one supervisor above me, Jill, who is managed by our executive director, Sara. Sara is a great person and has been very open about having some family and health challenges in the past couple years. Since I joined the org a few years ago, she has gone from an engaged and effective leader to a totally absentee boss.

We don’t have anyone on staff to handle HR issues or approve payments for needed supplies, which means we often end up spinning our wheels while we wait for her. Emails go unacknowledged. I’ve learned to contact her exclusively by personal cell, and those messages are often ignored until it becomes a crisis. She does not attend staff meetings or communicate with the staff broadly.

Jill doesn’t have the tools and skills to run the org. We have talked about contacting the board directly but are concerned about a blow-up. Sara is close with the board president and we are worried about being seen an insubordinate or untrustworthy.

I feel demoralized. I care about the mission but I am worried about our reputation in the community and our ability to maintain funding if our leader continues to be unresponsive. I feel that if a lower-ranking staff person was this inaccessible or unreliable, they would have been fired a long time ago.

Not to make this break-up day, but you should consider getting out. In a small organization, having an absentee leader when no one can step in and run things in their absence is unworkable. It means the organization won’t accomplish nearly what it should be (hugely problematic if you’re a mission-driven nonprofit) and your job will be a constant exercise in frustration.

That said, if you want to try to determine if this is solvable first, the right move is for someone (probably Jill more than you, or someone else senior or who has good rapport with Sara) to have a heart-to-heart with Sara where they lay out the impact her absence is having and the need for someone to handle the things that she’s not. If that’s already been attempted and you haven’t seen meaningful changes, that’s your answer. But if no one has tried that yet, it’s time; Sara may not realize how bad things are, and it’s a service to her and to the organization for someone to spell it out. That’s especially true if someone might eventually go to the board; you want to be able to say you’ve tried talking to Sara directly first.

For what it’s worth, this is the sort of thing the board should hear about — and it’s not insubordinate or untrustworthy to bring them issues this serious, especially after you’ve tried to resolve the problems with Sara directly first. The bar for staff contacting the board should be pretty high, but what you’ve described meets it.

3. My colleague asked my employee to hide information from me

A colleague just asked my employees to keep secrets from their supervisors, and I’m not sure how to address it. This colleague and I are both at the director level and are still fairly new in our positions (within the last year), but as he is an attorney (and much older man), he is paid nearly as much as our CEO and is generally deferred to by people throughout the organization.

Last week, while I was out of town, he approached one of the entry-level staff members on my team, Jane, and asked her for some information on behalf of one of our board members. None of the information was confidential by any means, but for some reason he specifically directed Jane not to tell her division head or me, the department director. She did as she was told. The requested information was related to a situation that blew up yesterday, and both the division head and I were caught off guard. When the division head and I were trying to address the situation, Jane told her direct supervisor what had happened with the attorney and how uncomfortable that made her. (My team is well-known throughout the organization as being very tight-knit and supportive of one another.) The supervisor then reported the attorney’s actions to the division head, who told me.

This is obviously unacceptable, but I’m not sure the best way to handle this. How do I protect my staff, prevent this from happening again, and restore my team’s trust?

There are times when a higher-up might need someone junior to pull specific information without talking about the request with others, when the situation is sensitive and they’re trying to avoid gossip (for example, during an investigation into potential wrongdoing, or financial info that could lead to job cuts). So this hinges on whether there were legitimate reasons for asking Jane to keep the request confidential or not. If there weren’t, then this is a conversation with the other director about not putting your staff in that position unless there’s a clear need for confidentiality, and it’s a conversation with your team about what to do if they’re asked to keep something confidential (which should include who is in a position to make those requests of them, and what steps they should take if they’re uncomfortable with something they’ve been asked for).

4. We’re supposed to have a team meeting to discuss feedback for our boss

I’m on a team of about half a dozen people supervised by Barnaby. We all have regular but infrequent skip-level meetings with Barnaby’s boss, Calvin.

It sounds like people have mentioned to Calvin in the skip-level meetings that Barnaby is not approachable. He passed that feedback on to Barnaby, and Barnaby asked one of my peers, Alfred, to organize a team discussion to gather more details on where that’s coming from and what he can do to be more approachable. Barnaby will not be at the meeting. Alfred will moderate and provide an anonymized summary of the takeaways back to Barnaby afterwards.

I’m not clear whether this meeting was Calvin’s suggestion or Barnaby’s idea or whether Calvin knows it’s happening. I trust Alfred’s judgment and believe he will do his best to get good feedback and actually anonymize it, and I have no reason to believe that anyone else on the team would feel differently.

But … this is kind of weird, right? I guess I empathize with Barnaby that it’s tough to get nebulous negative feedback and I understand why he’d want to involve the team in figuring out what specific actions he should take to improve communication. And I’m willing to give him benefit of the doubt that he’s doing this in addition to self-reflection/talking to peers for advice/asking Calvin for details or suggestions. But it still feels like it puts the team (and especially Alfred) in an awkward position, and it almost feels like it could be a prelude to discounting the feedback, like if people can’t provide (or don’t want to share with the whole team) enough specific examples of times he was unapproachable then he can write the whole thing off as unfounded? Is this a smart way to approach an inherently awkward situation, or is somebody falling down on the job here?

It’s a little weird, but it’s not necessarily a terrible idea if people generally trust Barnaby and Alfred. If either of them isn’t trusted, the whole thing falls apart — people won’t give candid feedback, and there’s no point. But if people trust them both to act with integrity, and also trust Barnaby not to react poorly to honest feedback even if it’s uncomfortable to hear, I can see where this came from: since if the issue is that people don’t find Barnaby approachable, he’s not well-positioned to get candid info from people himself. That said, my first choice would be to have Calvin lead these conversations, not put it on Alfred … but I can also imagine someone thinking people will be more candid when speaking in a group of peers without their boss’s boss there.

So much of this depends on really specific group dynamics that it’s hard to give a general ruling — but I don’t think it’s inherently bananas.

5. As a manager, when do I need to announce my pregnancy to my team?

I am a very newly promoted (two months) manager leading a team that I used to be a high performer on for several years. I think my team is awesome, I’m trying to build credibility as a leader, and the transition is going about as well as it can.

I am also three months pregnant with my first child (I found out literally three days after accepting the promotion), and I’m wondering what my obligation to my team is regarding when to notify them of my upcoming maternity leave. I should also point out that I’m in a male-dominated workplace and I am the only woman on my team.

I know your previous advice states to let your coworkers know whenever you are comfortable sharing, but waiting to tell my team after the 20-week scan feels too late. I handle some of the workload of the team as well, and there will likely be issues with coverage while I’m out, and that’s probably where I’m feeling this sense of obligation from. I am going to manage this as best I can through cross-training in advance, but this will largely be unavoidable. What do you think? As a manager, do I have an obligation to disclose my pregnancy to my team earlier when my absence will impact them?

Waiting for the 20-week scan is not unreasonably long. That still leaves you four or more months for your team to prepare for your leave, which is significantly longer than people get with many other types of medical leave. If this is the disclosure timeline you’re comfortable with, use it; it’s not an uncommon one to see.

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{ 233 comments }

{ 233 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Happily Retired*

    OP 1 – Oh honey, you are being exploited; I’m so sorry. It would be one thing if you two were working in partnership together, and making decisions and long-term plans together. But you’re not. He’s expecting you to work whenever he needs you to (note: his needs, not yours), and if you try to stand up for your own needs, he verbally and emotionally criticizes and degrades you. In other words, he emotionally abuses you.

    You are not going to be able to change him. My advice would be to take this as a learning experience – don’t beat yourself up over it – and move on. You’ve got things to offer you for someone who will appreciate you for more than this guy does.

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    1. Momma Bear*

      Absolutely. I’m worried for OP#1 on several levels. Please make a plan and get out – both from the relationship and that job.

      Reply ↓
        2. biobotb*

          I think she needs to try to figure out a backup plan if he throws her out in a rage when she finds a new job. Does she have friends or family who would let her couch surf in a pinch if needed?

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    2. Tiger Snake*

      LW1; even if you don’t want to break up with your BF. Even if you feel they’re a great boyfriend in every other regard – the only way a boss can be a ‘good’ boss while dating an employee, is to never actually be a good boss to you.

      That’s the only real way he can protect himself from being accused of favouritism; to always prioritise every other employee over his significant other. And it’s not actually really fair, and it does take away opportunities and benefits everyone else gets. There is no way to be truly fair when you date you own employee. So even if he is a good person, and wants to be a good boss to everyone, that means the closest he can come to being a good boss is to be unfairest to LW1.

      And that’s neither right nor kind to LW1 or him to deal with. It is best for both LW1 and her entire relationship, no matter where it goes, is to work somewhere that isn’t for her BF.

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      1. No Time For This Foolishness*

        One of the things abusers like to do is A. separate their victims from their family and friends and B. Overreact, so the “punishment” is WAY out of proportion to the “crime”, and C. Be in positions of power and control (he’s your boss AND he controls your living situation).
        Giving the new hire the day off is a power move and he’s trying to see what he can get away with.
        He’s counting on you to be a doormat.
        So, in summary, not allowing OP to see their mom…or you potentially lose your job AND living situation?
        As Alison likes to say, GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!

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        1. Observer*

          As Alison likes to say, GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!

          This! * 1million!

          He’s already beaten you down so much that you think you need to justify a really simple request.

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        2. Tiger Snake*

          But if LW1 doesn’t believe he’s an abuser – or even if she’s not ready to hear those sorts of things from you – the correct action to take here with no judgement of her relationship to make her pressured or defensive is still to get a new job.

          Perhaps the distance and stability of her funding not being tied to her BF will help their relationship, or perhaps it will give her new perspective. But even if it doesn’t; getting a new job is the best first step, and can be talked about without her feeling like every other aspect of her life is up for criticism.

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      2. GammaGirl1908*

        Agreed. The best case scenario is that even if Boss is a wonderful partner outside of the workplace, in order to be a good boss in the workplace, he has to be a difficult boss — at the very least — to LW by putting her* needs and wants dead last at work. That’s not fair to her. (*Note: it’s not clear from the letter whether LW is a man or a woman, but I am guessing LW is a woman.)

        If LW wants to stay in the relationship, at a minimum she needs a job where this man is not supervising her.

        LW, if nothing else, find a new job, and then do a hard assessment of the relationship once he is not your boss. It’s not disloyal to find a job where your boss can be neutral and your needs are on par with everyone else’s. It helps you both by allowing your boss to avoid the appearance of favoritism, and allowing you to avoid having your personal life entangled with your work.

        I’m not sure how finding a new job jeopardizes LW’s living situation (it’s unclear whether the restaurant provides housing (and so leaving the job means LW has to move) or whether LW and Boss just live together (and so assessing the relationship may mean LW has to move if she decides to break up), so, as others have said, decide based on your personal situation whether you need to move first or find a new job first, but at a minimum, finding a new job is one of the steps.

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        1. MigraineMonth*

          I think the steps would be:
          1) secure safety of self, dependents, pets, important documents, cherished objects
          2) secure own separate money
          3) secure housing (this could be enough savings for a rental deposit or an offer to sleep on the couch from a family/friend)
          3) secure income by getting a new job
          4) secure future happiness by breaking up with BF

          Others please correct me if I’ve gotten these in the wrong order/missed a step

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          1. Crencestre*

            Nope, MigraineMonth, you’ve summed it up perfectly!

            I’d just add one more step: Make such a great success of your future career so that your then-FORMER boyfriend will gnash his teeth every time he thinks of you and wonder why he was such an overcontrolling idiot that he drove away that total rockstar – you!

            Hey, revenge really IS a dish best served cold! ;)

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      3. Antilles*

        That’s the only real way he can protect himself from being accused of favouritism; to always prioritise every other employee over his significant other.
        Bingo.
        If he gives an unrelated employee Mother’s Day holiday off, it’s just him giving someone the day off at their request. If he gives his SO a holiday off, then it immediately raises questions of whether she’s getting special treatment.

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        1. Jackalope*

          Giving preferential treatment, yes. But never giving her a holiday at ALL is lousy. And if he’s doing that to all of his staff then that’s even worse. It’s easy to come up with a system for time off, even on big holidays like this; one person gets that day each year and that person rotates, for example, or each person gets to pick one major holiday off per year and works the rest.

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      4. Hannah Lee*

        For OP #1, here’s a link to Captain Awkward’s blog, which walks through some really good, practical steps for wrestling through a “Should I stay or should I go?” question.

        It is framed around weighing weather or not to leave a relationship, but in your case, you can adapt it to focus on whether you should stay at your current job or find a new one. Or whether you should leave both the job and the boyfriend. It could be a really useful approach to use when thinking through your situation, particularly because in your situation relationship job home life are completely intertwined and likely filled with some really big emotions.

        https://captainawkward.com/2022/07/13/should-you-stay-or-should-you-go/

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        1. Feckless Moppet*

          These are helpful questions, but I would like to point out that when people are in abusive relationships, they often can’t identify the ways in which they are being abused.

          For example, the LW wrote in as though this is a work issue and Allison answered it as though it is primarily a work problem, whereas IMO this is an abuse problem that should be treated as a domestic violence problem accompanied by domestic violence resource suggestions (e.g., a domestic violence hotline in the US, which can be contacted at 1-800-799-7233).

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    3. JSPA*

      #4, I’d lean in hard on the second part. Hijacking a meeting using positive enthusiasm for the most essential part of the agenda (excuse me, “leaning in on a specific agenda item”) is a worthwhile skill (though you don’t want to become known for pulling that trick repeatedly).

      Inside your head, focus on the idea that you are all brainstorming “the sorts of access that would really help.” Not complaining… not re-litigating what was or was not a problem in the past. There may be moments when you feel like a concrete example would help, but you should not be required to submit one, to have your suggestions taken seriously.

      “I’ve put a lot of thought into what sorts of availability matter most, in the day-to-day, and I’d like to share that.”

      “I love hearing that Barnaby wants to be perceived as approachable! Speaking only for myself, these are things that make me feel welcome, in approaching a superior with a problem or suggestion.”

      The actual solutions will depend on the situation, and on the reason(s) he seems unapproachable. I wouldn’t insist he look you in the eye (hard for some of us!)

      but: suggestion box, with substantive answers posted on a bulletin board?

      More effort to divorce his reaction to bad news, from his reaction to the person bearing the bad news? (For example, maybe it would help if he says “thanks for letting me know while there’s time to fix it, I’m stressed by the problem, but grateful for the heads-up”?)

      Smiling and saying “Hi” when people walk in?

      Calling out, across the shop floor / office / restaurant kitchen, “I have a little down time, are there any issues I need to know about?”

      Holding a 20 minute morning check-in, twice a week, that people can plan on?

      Not wearing headphones when passing through the office?

      Having one-on-ones once every two months?

      Opening his office door or putting a sign on it when he’s happy to have people come in, and really greeting them with a smile, not a distracted look, when they walk in? (Or a “knock and enter” sign, so he has time to compose himself, and his face? )

      Responsiveness to emails? On slack?

      “Saying, “I hear you, and I’ll follow up”

      Asking follow up questions if he doesn’t grasp the problem enough to follow up?

      All of these are manifestly positive suggestions, without having to say, “he looks angry when I enter his office, he takes two weeks to even read urgent messages, and when I tried to tell him about the overdue account, he spent the whole time staring at the ceiling, tapping his foot to the music from his partly-removed headphones, and his only response was to frown and grunt.”

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    5. Varthema*

      Yes. I think probably the first thing OP needs to work on is her housing situation – if she’s afraid her boyfriend will break up with her if she quits.

      If Tiger Snake’s more generous interpretation of the situation applies – if he’s generally a good and kind person and you don’t think he’ll take it badly if you find another job, then just do that. He might be relieved as well! But if you have any doubts, the housing situation needs to be dealt with first, because you can’t be beholden to him for your home AND your livelihood.

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      1. Varthema*

        *generally a good and kind person who has been giving OP the short end of the stick purely in a misguided attempt to try to avoid favoritism.

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      2. learnedthehardway*

        As a note – if he’s likely to break up with you over finding another job, then he’s not worth saving the relationship.

        Personally, I would get some backup housing options, find another job, and give your notice – like any other job. If he takes it personally, tough.

        Reply ↓
    6. Miss V*

      I was going to suggest the LW contact a local women’s shelter or domestic violence hotline. Even if the relationship isn’t necessarily abusive, it’s certainly coercive, and they can help LW figure out her next move.

      LW (and anyone else who might need this sort of help), please remember that contacting a shelter or hotline doesn’t obligate you to do anything. They can help you figure out a timeline for when you are ready, and connect you with resources. If you’re worried leaving your job means you might loose your housing, they can help you with that.

      I’m going to reply to this comment with the link and phone number of the national domestic violence hotline, but you always have the option of looking up your local women’s shelter (just google your city name and women’s shelter, a library computer is a great place to do this if you’re worried about browser history!) if you’d feel more comfortable connecting with local resources.

      Reply ↓
      1. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

        LW (and anyone else who might need this sort of help), please remember that contacting a shelter or hotline doesn’t obligate you to do anything.

        From my experience in the UK this is true over this side of the pond too. Don’t think that it has to rise to actual physical violence before you can talk to anyone. Abuse can be emotional and financial too and is not limited to a particular gender.

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      2. Three Flowers*

        YES this. LW’s boyfriend controls both their employment and their housing. There’s not enough information for us to speculate about their immediate safety, but a conversation with a hotline could help LW evaluate how their boyfriend may react and make a plan.

        Reply ↓
        1. Miette*

          They may also help OP see patterns of behavior they haven’t thought were problematic before, too. OP, he’s got you as his financial hostage, and that is not good for you. I hope you can find the resources to get out soon.

          Reply ↓
    7. AnonInCanada*

      My sentiments exactly. OP #1, you’re being used and abused by this boyfriend/manager. You’re only seen as the backup plan. A means to an end. Useful only when it’s convenient to your boyfriend. And it’s never going to change.

      It’s best to run away. Far away. From both this job and this relationship.

      Reply ↓
    8. juliebulie*

      I know we always talk about therapy here, but seriously if it’s an option, OP1 could use some self-esteem counseling. Three years without a vacation (except when boss wants a vacation) is a really long time not to have raised red flags.

      Reply ↓
    9. Lenora Rose*

      At minimum, you need to not be working with your partner for all the reasons this is always a bad idea when there’s a power differential.

      If this man is a decent man, you should be able to get a job elsewhere to reduce tensions and it will only make the relationship better. That he calls you the worst person ever, or whatever he said, when you asked for one (1!) day off that wasn’t his choice, suggests this is also a relationship problem. Regardless of whether or not it’s a relationship concern AS WELL, though, the advice below doesn’t change.

      I’m thinking your first two tasks are squirrel away some funds to tide you over, and look for a different job in your free time. (If you don’t have much free time where he isn’t around, or enough control over your finances to set money aside, those are ALSO warning signs. If so, this would be domestic violence hotline consultation time; even if you don’t agree it rises to the level of domestic violence, they will have advice for navigating concerns like finances and living space.)

      Three years of restaurant experience is more than enough to get another restaurant job at minimum, more if you can get any references from peers or others at the restaurant about your service that aren’t in a relationship with you. (Saying “my manager was my boyfriend and probably can’t be considered objective / may react badly to me changing jobs” will likely excuse you from needing him as a reference.)

      Reply ↓
    10. Beth*

      Agreed. OP1, it’s an extra bad sign that you fear he might kick you out of your shared home if you take a day off! That’s not a normal reaction to a partner doing something you don’t like–even if they work together.

      At a bare minimum, you should move towards not working for this man. Maybe that means quitting now; maybe that means kicking off a job hunt and quitting when you have something else lined up, you know your needs and circumstances best.

      And you should consider what he’s bringing to your life as a partner as well. Does he support you in accomplishing your goals (both ‘productive’ goals like career growth and personal ones like hobbies)? Does he bring you comfort and security? Does he make you feel happy and loved? Does he stick with you in stressful moments so you’re not going through them alone? I worry that someone who wants you to work for them all the time to the extent that you’re missing out on things that are important to you, may also not be enriching your life at home. A good partner makes your life materially better–you deserve that.

      Reply ↓
    11. JustaTech*

      OP1, this is not your fault!
      You are being exploited.

      Even if you didn’t have a romantic relationship with your boss, we have *so many* examples here of how living with your boss is incredibly hard and open to exploitation. (My brother had this problem with a boss who was also his landlord who underpaid and overcharged.)
      It’s like the old “company towns”, except it’s also a romantic relationship.

      At the very least you need to separate yourself from your partner either as a boss (get a new job), as a landlord (move out) or as a romantic partner. You may not need to do all three – you know your partner best – but because your partner isn’t treating you well either as a partner or as an employee, you need some separation.

      Reply ↓
  2. Viki*

    Restaurant problems is not getting Big Days (Mother’s Day, Christmas Eve, New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day) off. Those are fairly standard.

    Relationship problems are having your boss as your boyfriend, and denying you as a boss (and a boyfriend, but more boss) a vacation in three years. That is not standard, and not right.

    Realize that leaving your boyfriend is also probably leaving your job, so I would have a new job lined up and then do both.

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    1. DJ Abbott*

      I’m so glad I didn’t stay in the restaurant industry. It’s not just the holidays, I would have missed a lot of social Friday and Saturday nights. Unless OP really enjoys the industry, she can develop skills to get out of it and get a regular Monday-Friday job. This is for the long term.
      For the short term, the quickest way is probably to get a job at a different restaurant. That will help illuminate what’s going on with the relationship.
      OP, if you think your boyfriend will respond badly to you getting a different job, do you have a friend or relative you can stay with if you lose your place to live? If not, get a new place first. Basically, be prepared for whatever happens before you make any moves.
      Good luck! :)

      Reply ↓
    2. Beth*

      The “Big Days are hard to take off in restaurants” is true but seems like a red herring here. The boyfriend willingly gave it to someone else–he clearly didn’t think they needed to be all hands on deck for the day. He just wasn’t willing to give OP that day, specifically. And given that she’s worked there for three years, has only ever had days off when he wanted her on vacation with him, and says she’s missed a lot of things that she wanted to go to, that sounds like part of a very clear pattern.

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      1. Elizabeth West*

        I’m suspicious about him giving a new hire the day off. What’s the deal there? If I worked there, even if I weren’t the OP, I would be side-eying that pretty hard.

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          1. Bluenyx*

            Even if that’s not it, it clearly shows LW he’s *choosing* to deny her the day off, not forced by circumstance. It’s probably a deliberate test of his control/ her boundaries to be this brazen about it (can he openly treat her badly and get away with it?) because that’s really common with men anywhere on the spectrum from entitled jerk to abuser. (I have my opinion, but this applies regardless of if LW is comfortable with any particular label for him yet.)

            That boundary test could very well be to find out if she’ll put up with bring cheated on next, but it could be setting up for anything or just a general slow escalation of control, and there’s no reason to wait around to see what he’ll pull next when he’s showing her such clear disrespect already.

            Tl;dr- Not a bad guess, but if it’s not true this guy is still just as bad. Lots of people wait for a clear last straw like cheating before they leave a bad situation, but it’s a red herring here. I hope LW doesn’t get too hung up on that since even a completely faithful boyfriend treating her this way is wrong.

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  3. Not your typical admin*

    LW 1 – you need to untangle your personal and professional life. This is very unhealthy and giving one person way too much power over you. Dating your boss is never a good idea. I would work on finding a new job asap, and really evaluate if your romantic relationship is healthy.

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  4. the grimace*

    OP1 my mouth is hanging open. I’m so sorry about the situation you’re in. He’s being incredibly unfair to you & greedy with your time & that is me being very generous — none of that is your fault. I’m sure this comments thread will be full of people telling you to move on very soon.

    I wish you well, and I wish you strength in what will very likely be an uprooting of your life.

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  5. But Of Course*

    LW 1 – get out get out get out. You are being exploited so, so badly – your living situation is contingent on you doing what your boyfriend wants, and what he wants is for you to only take days off that are convenient for him. If your best friend told you she was in a relationship where she was treated this way, I suspect you’d tell her to leave too, and that’s the advice you should take.

    Reply ↓
        2. Insert Clever Name Here*

          It’s from a comment about abusive relationships on another advice blog, Captain Awkward. The commenter compared abusive relationships to an evil house in a horror movie; part of the comparison includes bees coming out of the house’s ceiling and then the conclusion says “The house wants you to leave. It is full of bees. If it didn’t want you to leave, it wouldn’t be full of bees.” It became shorthand on CA for “this is really fucking bad” and has come over here since there is an overlap in readership between the two blogs.

          I’ll put a link in a follow up in case anyone wants to read the whole thing, but it is on the post Question 169: My Dad Hit Me by commenter Marie.

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        3. Hlao-roo*

          Here’s a link to a more in-depth explanation of “house of evil bees” from the Captain Awkward blog:

          https://criminalreviews.wordpress.com/2012/12/19/a-captain-awkward-glossary/#evilbees

          The original expression/metaphor was a “house of evil bees” and that has morphed over time as people riffed on the original, so you might see “house of murder hornets,” “boyfriend/boss/company is made of bees,” etc. They’re all ways of saying “this person/situation is bad news and you should leave.”

          Reply ↓
        4. Funko Pops Day*

          From https://criminalreviews.wordpress.com/2012/12/19/a-captain-awkward-glossary/#evilbees in re: abusive relationships:

          “Oh man, it really does feel that ridiculous when you look back on it. You watch one of those horror movies, and the sinister voice says, “LEAVE NOW” and the characters are like “What was that? I’m sure it was the cat. Everything’s cool,” and you’re like HOW CAN YOU BE SO STUPID the house actually told you IN WORDS that it didn’t like you and you’re all me and this house, BFF.

          And then you remember your ex-husband who was like, “You’re fat and ugly and I hate you” and you were like “Even though he hates me and told me so, that is just how he shows love. I should live here forever, we are so happy,” and now you can’t make fun of bad movies without thinking about serious social issues.

          Of course in this particular horror movie, the cabinets open and shut and the sinister voice says “LEAVE NOW MORTAL” and you’re like, sure, okay, I’m out of here, and then blood comes out of the windows and the house says “WAIT I WAS HAVING A BAD DAY” and you walk back in the house and it says “BECAUSE YOU’RE UGLY” and bees come out of the ceiling, and you leave again and the house is like “NOOOOOO WAS IT THE BEES? I FILLED THE BATHTUB WITH FLOWERS” and you get in the bathtub and the house is like “FLOWERS MADE OF DESPAIR HA HA HA.” Abusive relationships: they are this dumb (in retrospect).

          I don’t think there is a language that expresses “I don’t like you” more clearly than the one abusers all seem to share, and yet, when it hits our ears, that “I don’t like you” somehow turns into “I can’t leave or they would be sad.” Even though they can’t seem to stand you, and have told you so, repeatedly. Because maybe we did something to make them not like us? And that somehow means we’re obligated to hang out with somebody who doesn’t like us? Until they like us again? Even though they seem to hate every fundamental part of our personality? And yet they don’t want us to leave, even though they hate us fundamentally? Because that makes sense, right, all the time I am hanging out with people that I hate, and feeling sad if they are not around to annoy me. No. The house wants you to leave. It is full of bees. If it didn’t want you to leave, it wouldn’t be full of bees. It would be full of you”

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  6. Sara*

    OP1. So I’m going to assume your boyfriend is not abusive in other ways and you really do want to stay with him. Maaaaybe he is trying to be nicer to the new employee because he doesn’t want her to think he favors you as a girlfriend. The only way I could see your relationship working is your getting a new job. Tell him that the fact that he is your manager conflicts with what you need from a boyfriend, and you need to get another job for the sake of your relationship. If he says no, well, that is clearly in abuse /control territory and you need to get out.

    Reply ↓
    1. KateM*

      I was thinking that maaaaybe he is giving the new hire the day off because being that new, she would be underfeet anyway, but I don’t know how fast one is supposed to learn in restaurant.

      Reply ↓
        3. DeliCat*

          I feel like this forum can sometimes get a bit Reddit-y but there’s really nothing here to imply that. There is, however, ample evidence of him being an inept manager. It’s very likely he was just prioritising the new hire to curry favour and not that he…….. brought his mistress into his workplace.

          Reply ↓
          1. Bella Ridley*

            There’s a lot of fanfic happening today. I also would have assumed it’s either a prearranged thing with a new hire, trying to get on their good side so they won’t quit, or the new person is new to the industry and is only going to foul up the plan on the day.

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        4. birb*

          I assumed the new hire just… asked that it be a condition of her hire during interviewing. I’ve definitely been asked that MANY TIMES as a hiring manager for time off that would otherwise typically not have been approved if they were a great candidate.

          “Here’s my availability but I already have plans with family on on X day, which I know is typically a blackout day…” is pretty common. There are definitely a couple of posts here about how to navigate that situation, even.

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          1. Elizabeth West*

            Yeah, but restaurants are not offices — they’re more like retail. Everywhere I’ve ever worked would be like, We will really need you that day, even if you aren’t up to speed yet. But without more info, we can’t really know.

            Reply ↓
            1. birb*

              I’ve hired extensively for retail from entry level to general manager positions for multiple stores (and at multiple companies of varying sizes), and have absolutely always been willing to accomodate an advanced schedule request (especially if it was already planned and paid for) when an otherwise great candidate listed it as a condition of their hire, even on days we normally would limit or black out. The only exception being seasonal workers asking off for the days we specifically created seasonal roles for.

              If the new hire was the best candidate and had already made birthday plans including tickets or travel (which most people who request their birthday off do, in my experience) it isn’t abnormal even in restaurants to agree.

              I’d agree it was weird if he let someone who has been there for a while break the rule but won’t let his girlfriend, but new hires asking in advance about special events or vacations that are already on their calendar isn’t strange.

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    2. Slow Gin Lizz*

      Eh, even if the bf is “not abuse in other ways,” he’s obviously abusive in this way. I think it’s Captain Awkward who says that it’s pretty common for an abusive partner to also act very sweetly and kindly some or much of the time, because of course that’s how the abused partner can justify staying with the abuser. “Well, he’s so sweet and makes me dinner every night and brings me flowers, he can’t be *all* bad even if he hits me sometimes.” Captain A says that of course there must be some good qualities about a person that makes someone want to stay with them even if the bad qualities are really bad. So I’d caution OP to be careful thinking about their bf as a good person who just does this bad, manipulative thing, because the bad, manipulative thing is pretty bad, objectively speaking, and IMO is bad enough to warrant OP leaving the bf for good no matter how many nice, kind things he does.

      Reply ↓
  7. SamiLou*

    I’ve never combined my answers to separate questions questions before, but here goes:
    OP 1 and OP 2: GET OUT! Get out! Get out!
    Bonus for OP 1: Dump the boyfriend ASAP and don’t look back.

    In both situations, the boyfriend is definitely not going to change. He’s shown you that for three years.
    For the nonprofit, it is VERY highly unlikely that the director is going to suddenly become a stellar employee all a sudden. Even if she somehow manages to – it WON’T last.
    Run-run-run and find better jobs.

    Reply ↓
    1. WellRed*

      Yeah I mean, how hard is it to pay for supplies? If an organization can’t even manage to have such a basic process in place, it’s not functioning.

      Reply ↓
      1. KB*

        In small non-profits, you might still need 2 signatures to spend any money. It is typical one of those would be the director’s signature. If you’ve never worked in a non-profit with (for example) only two full-time staff, you have no idea how complicated things are—everything your big company does falls on very few staff members to accomplish.

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        1. Observer*

          It is typical one of those would be the director’s signature.

          Yes, but there is also typically someone else who can provide the second signature, especially if the primary signer has issues that means that their presence might be a problem.

          That second person is often a Board member, in a small organization, in which case they would also have become aware of just how often this issue comes up.

          Also there is a difference between signing checks and authorizing purchases. Even in very small organizations, the person signing the checks does not have to be the one to sign the check for the purchase. If you have an account with a business that let’s you pay after purchase, that solves at least this one problem.

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    2. Elizabeth West*

      If OP 2’s boss is having health problems they may be interfering, but the situation is untenable if no one can get anything done. And no one is covering for her. I’d be inclined to get with Jill and bring it to the board before I bailed, but OP might have to do that anyway.

      Reply ↓
  8. Ashley Armbruster*

    For #2 (MIA boss), I feel like “you should get out” can be extremely hard advice because sometimes it’s not easy to find a new job. Some need the current job for certain benefits, they’ve been searching for awhile with no bites, they are capped out at salary and a new job would be a salary cut, etc.

    I wish I had better advice

    Reply ↓
    1. AcademiaNut*

      It is, however, generally easier to find a job when you are currently employed, and before things have reached the breaking point when all your energy goes into treading water. You might not find a great new job, but you are much more likely to than if you aren’t trying, or if you’re desperately taking the first thing offered to get out.

      Get out the resume and polish it up, start looking at job listings, and applying for decent looking jobs. If things go well, you’ll have another job before the non-profit closes / you are so stressed you quit without having anything lined up / you end up on stress leave.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sara without an H*

        This. I’ve always believed that everybody should be prepared to job hunt at all times, i.e. have a current resume, contact information for people who can serve as references, and regularly review job listings in whatever industry you work in. If something fantastic turns up at short notice, you’re prepared. And even if you decide not to change jobs, reviewing current job listings lets you know what skills are in demand in your field, so that you can make plans for your own development.

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    2. MK*

      The advice isn’t to quit immediately with no other job lined up or to take any other job, it’s to plan your exit.

      Reply ↓
    3. Your Local Password Resetter*

      It’s not an easy choice by any means. But if the current situation is unsustainable, then it’s just a matter of time before you need to change jobs. Best to do that on your own terms while you can.

      Reply ↓
      1. Pastor Petty Labelle*

        This. If you aren’t meeting your mission and you can’t even order supplies, the organization is not functioning.

        Which leads to loss of donations and grants.

        Which leads to loss of organization.

        OP2 look for a job now before you are forced by the organization closing to look for a job.

        Reply ↓
    4. Sar*

      It is hard advice.

      My work motto is “Shouldn’t we at least try to check?” and I feel like it applies to the “look for a new job” advice.

      Reply ↓
    5. ecnaseener*

      It’s not easy to find a new job, but it will only get harder if LW waits for the org to lose its funding and shut down. It’s difficult, so start before it becomes urgent!

      Reply ↓
    6. Beth*

      “You should get out” doesn’t mean “start a new job next week,” though. It means you should be working on the steps needed to get there. In a bad job market, that looks like polishing your resume and putting it out there, over and over again. If you’re getting no bites after an extended period, try revising your resume and see if that helps. (In my most recent job hunt, this was an every-couple-months activity; in a normal market I’d say every few weeks, but given how bad it was in my industry, a few weeks didn’t feel like long enough to mean anything.) The real key is just sticking with it until something works out, even though it’s a drag and you have to work through a lot of rejection.

      The hope is obviously to find somewhere with the title you’re looking for, at least on par with the salary you’re making but ideally with a boost, and with a culture you like. But when you’re leaving because your last role is untenable–whether that’s because of a toxic manager, a business that’s going down the drain and is making you fear layoffs, or something else–you might not have the luxury to hold out for that. You’ll generally know if you can hold out for the Right Fit vs if your circumstances are bad enough for it to make sense to take a pay cut, accept a lower title, or compromise on quality-of-life things like working remotely.

      Reply ↓
  9. Daria grace*

    #1: I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Your boyfriend is absolutely taking advantage of you. This seems to me like a form of coercive control, using their power over your work and living situations to pressure you to accept things you’re not comfortable with. Because this is impacting so many elements of your life and potentially will involve a lot of upheaval, please get professional help involved. While it may or may not end up being in the scope of what they deal with a domestic violence service will be happy for you to raise your situation with them. A therapist may also be useful if you can afford it. In addition to professional help, it might be worth starting to take steps to ensure you have funds your partner can access, a phone they can’t track, all your employment docs in order, perhaps important docs and items stashed at a friend’s place incase you have to leave your job and/or home in a hurry.

    Reply ↓
  10. Nodramalama*

    LW1, you in danger girl. But actually, I’d be looking for another job and probably looking for another boyfriend. It doesn’t sound like he prioritises you at all.

    LW3, I am slightly confused whether the colleague is An attorney, or the organisations attorney. But if he’s acting for the organisation, there can be quite legitimate, legal reasons to ask individuals to keep conversations confidential, including from their supervisors. Without knowing more its hard to tell of it was a legitimate ask or not.

    Reply ↓
    1. Myrin*

      Oooh, I hadn’t considered that he might be the organisation’s legal counsel – you are completely right that that would adds another layer to the whole thing which would make it much more understandable.

      Reply ↓
      1. Nebula*

        Yes, I had to read it twice because I thought first that he was the legal counsel for the firm, and couldn’t understand why asking for confidential information relating to ‘a situation that blew up’ would be considered wrong – worrying, maybe, for the LW, but not wrong. If he’s not then the situation is a bit different, but to be honest if this ‘situation’ is something where LW and/or the division head dropped the ball, I can still see a case for asking for further info discreetly.

        Reply ↓
    2. MK*

      I agree, and also what is the situation that blew up that OP is now trying to address? This sounds more like a company conducting an investigation (and asking for information from lower level workers without alerting their supervisors could be crucial in uncovering what is going on).

      Reply ↓
      1. Eldritch Office Worker*

        Agreed. I understand OP is trying to be vague intentionally but this one is really impossible to evaluate without the details.

        Reply ↓
    3. Emmy Noether*

      I also found it very hard to judge the situation with the information given. Could be the attorney is actually legal counsel conducting an internal investigation (and right to keep the investigation confidential), could be he had no good reason and everyone really should have been informed of the situation sooner to be prepared.

      Jane being uncomfortable kind of indicates the second option, but people in “tight knit groups” are also often uncomfortable keeping secrets that they absolutely should keep. Hard to tell. I guess as per the commenting rules, we should take the LW’s word for it that it was unacceptable in this case.

      Reply ↓
      1. MK*

        I don’t think Jane being uncomfortable indicates anything. Any young employee would be uncomfortable being questioned by any higher up, an older man who is also a lawyer even more so (being questioned by a lawyer makes people nervous in general).

        Reply ↓
        1. Your Local Password Resetter*

          And she was asked by one higher-up to hide information from her boss. That’s the sort of conflict you absolutely want to stay out of as a junior employee. Whatever you do, there is way too much risk of someone with a lot of power to hold a grudge against you.

          Reply ↓
          1. Nebula*

            Yes, I think this is why it’s good Alison pointed out that junior staff should be trained/talked to about what to do in situations like that. If that had happened to me early in my career, I would have been quite rattled and worried that I was doing the wrong thing by someone, whatever I did. Now I would know to ask questions i.e. why do I have to keep it secret but it’s not obvious that’s what you do – and ofc that would vary by organisation. That’s what I would do in my current workplace, but it’s not necessarily what everyone should do.

            Reply ↓
        2. Rogue Slime Mold*

          Yeah, this is a time when most people’s bodies will throw out some stress hormones, and fear that you’re going to get in trouble. Especially if you’re young and don’t have a lot of experience to contextualize the request.

          Her feeling uncomfortable could lie anywhere from “Yup, this was off, your gut knew” to “This was reasonable, but your gut has decided second-grader-in-trouble-with-authority is the pattern that must apply.”

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        3. Emmy Noether*

          I didn’t read it has her being “questioned”. She was “asked for some (not confidential) information”, which seems fairly routine and innocuous in itself, except for being asked to keep it from her boss.

          If someone asked me for info for, say, an internal investigation into time theft or fraud or something of that nature, I’d be glad it was kept need-to-know confidential, and my boss may not actually need to know.

          Reply ↓
          1. MK*

            Eh, I am not sure what the difference you are pointing out between being questioned and being asked for information is? If you are asking someone to give you information, you are … questioning them. I do not use the word in any kind of “legal” definition (assuming it exists in English and in anglosaxon law).

            Also, it’s unlikely that an attorney investigating any kind of wrongdoing would announce to the the junior employee the purpose of their questions, and it’s not a given that the purpose would be apparent, not to mention that it might not be something as clearcut as fraud.

            Reply ↓
            1. Emmy Noether*

              I don’t think it’s normal to feel uncomfortable just being asked one normal question, even by someone higher up, so I read your “questioning” as something more intense. Multiple probing questions at least. If that’s not what you meant, then I just disagree that anyone would feel uncomfortable.

              Reply ↓
              1. MK*

                That may be a matter of opinion, but what qualifies as a “normal” question from someone who presumably doesn’t really interact with you in the usual course of your work often, if at all? The very fact that they are talking to you about your work is out of the ordinary.

                Reply ↓
            2. MigraineMonth*

              Where I’m from, “questioning” carries the connotation of being part of an official or legal investigation (and may involve interrogation).

              I don’t “question” my coworker for how they take their coffee, but I might “question” them after a $100,000 diamond necklace goes missing during their shift.

              Reply ↓
      2. Just a Commenter*

        Hi all, OP3 here. The attorney in question is indeed the organization’s attorney, but this was absolutely not an internal investigation. The attorney was asking for information about a project on behalf of a board member who has an indirect financial stake in the project. The bizarre thing is that the details he requested are all publicly available. It seems as though the attorney wanted to keep his involvement a secret because he likely knows that it’s inappropriate for the board member to be trying to influence this project. (This is not the first time this particular board member has crossed a line with staff for his own personal benefit.) The situation sucks because we’ve spent a long time rebuilding trust in my department, so the interaction set us back a bit in that regard.

        Reply ↓
        1. Insert Clever Name Here*

          Oh yikes, so it’s a conflict of interest thing? Definitely understand why your employee was uneasy about it, especially if she knew the board member has an indirect financial stake in it!

          OP3*/LW3* for those who search.

          Reply ↓
    5. Contracts Killer*

      Attorney here, I totally agree. If the coworker just happens to be an attorney, the confidentiality is much more concerning than if he’s the organization’s attorney. Sometimes in-house counsel need to keep matters highly confidential (sometimes forever, sometimes briefly) to handle matters.

      Also, +1 for the awesome Ghost quote. I hope the young pups got your reference.

      Reply ↓
  11. Red Sox are the best Socks*

    Break up day is honestly a mood. Everyone should break up! Captain Awkward would tell all y’all to get out it’s full of bees!!!

    Reply ↓
    2. Ellis Bell*

      The part that made me most think “Ok, this is a bee sandwich made out of bee bread” was when OP1 said that not only is her boss her boyfriend, but that they live together and he decides when she requires a day off and also has full control over the living situation. I would honestly start assessing the state of my friends’ couches at this point. OP must feel they live in a bubble with someone milking them for all they are worth.

      Reply ↓
    3. MigraineMonth*

      I know Good News Fridays got pretty repetitive, but what about Break Up Fridays? Just a whole slate of letters all answered by “your boss/coworker friend/significant other/company sucks and isn’t going to change.”

      Reply ↓
  12. WoodswomanWrites*

    #1 — You’re getting a lot of excellent advice here about getting out of the job and the relationship.

    If the journey seems daunting, please remind yourself that you have already set yourself on a good path–you recognized that the situation is a problem and you wrote to Alison. That is an all important first step that you can be proud of. I hope you can draw strength from the good judgment and kindness you have already given to yourself, and use it to empower you to continue on your positive journey. Keep it going. You’ve got a lot of people here rooting for you!

    Reply ↓
  13. Jules the First*

    OP5 – congratulations on the baby! I was in a very similar situation with my first – I was promoted the same week I found out the pregnancy was viable (I was not nearly excited enough in the promotion conversation…my head was spinning) and then had to decide when to share the news. I ended up having to tell my boss sooner than planned (around 14 weeks) because I accidentally walked my unmistakeable bump across the camera when I answered the door during a video call; we told my team as planned around 25 weeks when we had sketched out a plan for maternity cover and I had to start working erratic hours because the pregnancy turned high risk. I would recommend holding on until after your 20 week scan – they really don’t need more warning than this, even though it feels like something huge in your head. The other option is to talk to senior women in your company or industry and see if they have suggestions – it turned out that my company had a pretty clear consensus among women that news shouldn’t be shared until late in your second trimester.

    Reply ↓
    1. amoeba*

      I guess that really only works when you’re fully remote though, right? If you’re in office, sure, you can do a lot with loose clothing, but that sounds like quite the effort, and I’d probably rather share earlier than risk the gossip and be constantly on edge that my bump might be showing…

      Reply ↓
      1. Junior Assistant Peon*

        Announcing too late makes it an “elephant in the room” situation, where it’s obvious that a coworker is pregnant but everyone is afraid to mention it.

        Reply ↓
        1. Rogue Slime Mold*

          I worked with someone who waited a long time to announce after a series of miscarriages. People knew the history; they figured out the loose clothes; they waited until she was ready to formally announce before saying anything.

          Reply ↓
        2. Another Kristin*

          Many people really do not look all that pregnant at 20 weeks, especially with first pregnancies. Your coworkers might start to wonder if you get a bit thicker around the middle, but hopefully are polite/aware enough not to ask if you’re pregnant. There are lots of reasons why you might put on a bit of weight and need to have a lot of medical appointments, and not all of them are pregnancy-related.

          Reply ↓
          1. JustaTech*

            Yes, just because it’s obvious to *you* that your body is different doesn’t mean it’s obvious to everyone else.
            A coworker and I were pregnant at almost the same time and many people didn’t realize she was pregnant and farther along than me because our clothing styles were so different that she really didn’t show until the very end.

            Reply ↓
        3. GammaGirl1908*

          Not having announced doesn’t mean no one has figured it out. It just means you’re not yet ready to discuss it.

          Reply ↓
        4. Commenty*

          On more than one occasion I’ve worked with people who I was confident were pregnant, but I never mentioned anything unless they shared what was going on. Personally, I didn’t feel awkward about it. I may be on the more reserved side, though — I don’t really like it when people comment on my appearance at work (including compliments), so I try not to comment on other peoples’ appearance.

          Reply ↓
      2. MrsBuddyLee*

        I was in a similar position to OP when 100% in office, including (maybe critically in this case) the heavily male dominated environment. I waited until my 20 week scan because I was older and wanted to make sure there weren’t any complications before announcing. It was not an issue at all. Most people didn’t notice or were in the “pregnant or just gaining weight?” boat.

        I’m a size 12, so it was easier than it might be if I were like a size 2 so YMMV. However, I’d much rather people think I was going overboard on the tacos for a few weeks then announce earlier and risk having to walk it back if I lost the pregnancy.

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    2. Llama Llama*

      I will be honest it makes me sad for your company that people shouldn’t share until late in their second trimester. I understand people wanting to wait but to be told to not say anything is just sad for this big thing happening in your life.

      Reply ↓
      1. Jules the First*

        This is a very common thing for this (and many other male-dominated industries). But just because you haven’t told your management or your direct reports does not mean you’ve not told *anyone* – I had work friends and mentors who knew from day one (including one who knew literally from the day he was conceived because they covered meetings for me while I was at the fertility clinic). In fast-paced project-related work there are lots of big life events we don’t talk about at work until the last minute because it’s easy to get left off a team because it would be easier not to risk you going out mid-project where it would be totally fine to be out once you were already on the project. Does this mean we’re not constantly advocating for change and an environment where it’s safer to be open about this? Of course not. But ultimately you have to make the right decision for your long term career prospects and sometimes that means keeping some of yourself out of the conversation for a while.

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    3. Kaitlyn P*

      The suggestions above are very good! Definitely try to get a read, if you can, on what has worked for other women. Every situation and work environment will be different, and no one has the requirement to disclose earlier than necessary.

      For what its worth, I am currently 16 weeks, and I disclosed to my boss at 6 weeks even though I certainly did not need to as our official work policy is no less than 30 days before the start of the anticipated leave. A few things went into this decision: most importantly, I knew my manager would be supportive, and after two pregnancy losses last year (neither disclosed at work) I knew that I would need time off if I lost this one (my state requires employers to offer reproductive loss leave). I was already missing work commitments due to early complications (thankfully since resolved), extra monitoring, and severe nausea/vomiting. It was a blunt conversation with my boss: “I’m very, very, newly pregnant, there are some concerning things that my doctor is closely monitoring with weekly appointments, and I’m not well enough to attend evening and weekend events. Until I know more, I may need help in getting coverage for xxx and yyy. I would appreciate your discretion in not sharing this widely until I’m ready. I should know more about my plans to go on family leave in the fall by xx date, and will share more at that point.” I then did not need to share more until I hit the second trimester and got an all clear from my doctors that things were looking healthy.

      In a different work environment with my situation, I would have likely disclosed to my boss “A medical issue recently arose, I am not feeling well enough right now to attend evening and weekend events, and I will be taking time for weekly doctor’s visits for the time being. I should know more in a few weeks, and expect the issue will resolve in time. Until then, I may need coverage for xx and yy in the coming weeks.”

      I just told close colleagues last week, and this was after someone bluntly asked if I was pregnant and I noticed a LOT of stares at my belly – but I also felt ready to share after lots of encouraging news at the doctor that everything was going well. People will notice and wonder, but that doesn’t make it their business to know. With my last successful pregnancy, I didn’t tell anyone at work until 20 weeks, and I also received a promotion while pregnant. It was not a supportive environment, and my role was reduced when I came back from leave (potentially/probably illegally, but there were lots of issues that led me to quickly ramp up a job search after returning).

      My husband will not tell his work (very male dominated, non family friendly workplace) this time until I am well into my third trimester.

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    4. Bayta Darrell*

      I agree with waiting until the 20 week scan, so you have solid info on how things are progressing. The only reason to tell earlier is if you are having symptoms or complications that are affecting your work; then I’d loop in just your boss just to ask for extra grace with brain fog or morning meetings or remote days or whatever, and ask to hold off on telling the team.

      Reply ↓
  14. WoodswomanWrites*

    #2, you’re in a tough spot. As a career nonprofit worker myself, I understand how the mission of the organization is a huge element of why you selected your workplace and why you’re concerned about its future.

    Alison’s advice is spot on. If you feel that the organization itself could potentially fail due to Sara’s absence, that is a huge deal. It puts you in a position of deciding what is most important to you. I like Alison’s suggestion to connect with Sara about the staff’s concern, but I think you and your co-workers should do so collectively because it’s affecting everyone. That makes you and Jill less of a target.

    You’re genuinely concerned about the organization’s long-term success. That’s the thing about nonprofits and mission-driven work. If it were me in your situation, I would feel obligated to communicate to the board specifically because of my commitment to the mission. If Sara is unresponsive to staff reaching out about the difficulties, it’s time to go. Once you find a new job and you’re out of the organization, that’s the time to send a letter to the board expressing your concerns so they are aware. If they choose to ignore your comments, you can know you did the best you could for an organization you care about.

    Reply ↓
    1. Frankie*

      I worked for a non profit where we had to go to the board regarding a terrible ED. We did not quit first. We all kept our jobs and the ED was replaced.

      Why are you advising OP to quit first?

      OP talk to Sara so you can say you did, then GO TO THE BOARD. This is what they’re there for.

      Reply ↓
    2. Matin*

      LW2 here– thank you for this advice. The ED has been with the org for a long time and its hard to imagine her being removed from that role without everything falling apart. It’s also hard to imagine things continuing on the same way.

      That said, I am updating my resume. There’s some slightly complicating factors that make job searching a bit challenging right now, but I am definitely keeping my eyes open for any opportunities that might be a good fit. This is definitely not a great feeling.

      Reply ↓
  15. Reality.Bites*

    Anyone know if Calvin, Barnaby and Alfred are references to three connected literary characters or anything like that? I googled Calvin Barnaby and found a Canadian politician’s LinkedIn!

    Reply ↓
      1. Emmy Noether*

        I very much appreciated that the reporting structure was in alphabetical order. Very helpful for remembering who is who!

        Reply ↓
    1. Leenie*

      She definitely needs another job. She doesn’t necessarily need another boyfriend. She could get rid of this one and move in with a cuddly cat, devoted dog, rabid mongoose, whatevs.

      Reply ↓
  17. Cats Ate My Croissant*

    Not that it makes any difference to the RUN AWAY FROM THE HOUSE OF EVIL BEES advice, but I can’t help wondering about:
    (a) the age difference between OP1 and the boyfriend (of evil bees);
    (b) whether the ‘boyfriend’ part or the ‘boss’ part came first.

    Reply ↓
  18. LaLaLaCuCu*

    LW#1 please look up Captain Awkward’s guide on how to make a plan to leave a relationship while keeping yourself safe.
    I don’t want to add a link, but it is on their blog, published on 2024/06/03, question number 1432. Please, keep yourself safe.

    Reply ↓
    1. Michigander*

      Seconding this! It’s easy to say that you should leave your boyfriend and your job, but it’s definitely going to take some planning if you live and work with him and want to go that route (which hopefully you do). Even if you just decide to get a new job, that’s still a good start. His reaction to that will also tell you more about your relationship. If he’s angry that he won’t be your boss and able to control your schedule anymore, that’s not a good sign.

      Good luck and keep us updated!

      Reply ↓
    2. Dilberto*

      I was just here checking that someone gave this advice. LW1 please read the Captain Awkward info FIRST, before you take any other action. You may be in an abusive relationship and not fully recognize it — this can happen to anyone — so be sure to prioritize your own safety. If you plan that way and it turns out you didn’t need to, that’s OK.

      Reply ↓
    3. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

      If Captain Awkward had been around when I was dealing with a very controlling (and then abusive) relationship back in the 90s I probably would have got away without half the mental scars I now deal with.

      Seriously I CANNOT sing her praises enough. Between her and Alison I got a great view of how to act at work and at home.

      Reply ↓
    4. ecnaseener*

      Agreed, although that particular post is to a LW who has already decided to break up, so I would also recommend “Should you stay or should you go?” from July 13, 2022 — it’s framed more around planning what you would do if you broke up, and how the act of planning it out can help you get clarity on whether you want to do it.

      Reply ↓
    5. Slow Gin Lizz*

      100% this! I love Captain Awkward and love that she and Alison are friends and have even done crossover blogs together. And the links that Hlao-roo provided here are two of her best, thorough answers, and one of the ways I’ve learned how very difficult it can be to leave an abusive situation. Please, OP, read these blogs, take care of yourself, and I hope that you’ll be on the other side of this as soon as you can safely get there.

      Reply ↓
  19. Nancy*

    I was in a similar situation to OP 1. Please please get out of the job and the relationship as soon as you can. I ended up wasting 20 years of my life in a controlling relationship with my husband who was also my boss. He worked me to the bone, I never had time off and if I did, he made me feel so on edge I couldn’t enjoy it.
    When I became mentally and physically ill he blamed me for ‘being obsessed with work’ I really couldn’t win and I felt so trapped.
    I hope you find your freedom from this situation.

    Reply ↓
  20. Marion Ravenwood*

    I agree with everyone saying OP1 needs to leave the job and the boyfriend. Like even if it was a case where he didn’t want it to look like he was playing favourites by giving OP busy days off, the fact she hasn’t had a day off in THREE YEARS unless it’s been for a joint vacation is ringing massive alarm bells.

    Reply ↓
  21. amoeba*

    LW5: I don’t think waiting for the 20 week scan is unreasonably long either, it does still leave a lot of time for planning! That said, unless you’re fully remote, it also depends a little on when you start showing – most people I know hereabouts share the news around week 12-15 or so because it just becomes hard/annoying to disguise. It might also help to get a little more understanding in case you need to snack regularly/look really tired/ have to do more HO because of nausea or whatever (but ymmv of course, certainly depends on your team/colleagues!)
    Here, the typical advice is to wait until after week 12 because apparently the risk of miscarriage drops quite a lot after that, so that’s what people often consider a “safe” time to share? But honestly, whenever you feel most comfortable with it. If it starts to become hard to keep it to yourself before week 20, you can always share earlier. And definitely no need to feel bad, even when you wait longer than week 20, there’s still multiple months to plan for your absence!

    Reply ↓
    1. Grasshopper Relocation LLC*

      If you as a team can’t handle an absence with four months’ notice, you’re screwed – it means your bus factor is about one, and you definitely won’t be able to handle sudden emergencies.

      Reply ↓
        2. amoeba*

          Sorry, no, I actually did mean Home Office (it’s the standard abbreviation/term where I live) – just meant that with some pregnancy symptoms, you might need to work from home more frequently, and at least here, that’s probably something you could get as an accommodation, even if it’s not standard the rest of the time. So disclosing earlier could be helpful there!

          Reply ↓
    3. Hyaline*

      Was going to say–you may wish to announce your pregnancy before the bump announces it for you! I could barely make it to 12 weeks because I was visibly pregnant very early. Not that you have to acknowledge formally what everyone can see, but I personally think it’s less awkward to address it directly.

      Reply ↓
    4. Media Monkey*

      in the UK it’s standard to share news at 12 weeks as there’s a scan on the NHS at that point and you’ll know that the baby is viable. you have to officially tell work at 26 weeks (I think – it’s been a while! my baby is nearly 17!) to trigger maternity leave. most people do not wait that long.

      Reply ↓
  22. Hornswoggler*

    LP2: As someone who has sat on a number of arts charity boards (and worked for a few too), I would absolutely want to know what was going on with your executive director.

    Someone on the board ought to have responsibility for staff issues, but even if not, they should be receptive to information about problems of this nature and magnitude.

    I’m in the UK where charity board members have a fiduciary duty to ensure that the charity is run in the best possible way to ensure maximum benefit, and I don’t think it’s stretching a point to put this issue in that category.

    Reply ↓
    1. Venus*

      Agreed that the board should be told. In a situation where the ED is friends with the board then I think the best way is to say something like “Sara isn’t always available and this is causing problems occasionally. Can we please come up with a backup plan.” It is very much being polite about a big problem, and I would suggest more honesty in any other situation, but if the board is going to react negatively to criticism of the ED then this might be the best option.

      Reply ↓
    2. iglwif*

      Am on a synagogue board, 100% agree with this. The board is the boss of the ED, and they need to hear from their “skip-level reports” when there’s an issue!

      Reply ↓
      1. Quinine..I need quinine*

        I used to be on a synagogue board as well. It’s unfathomable to me that the ED could be doing all this (not showing up for meetings, no communication, etc) without the board being aware

        Reply ↓
  23. Veryanon*

    That first letter was chilling-she’s afraid she’ll lose her home by taking a day off work, presumably because the boyfriend will kick her out? That sounds very abusive and very much like slavery. She needs to make a plan NOW to safely leave the relationship and the job. I hope she contacts the domestic violence hotline where she lives.

    Reply ↓
      1. Account*

        Commenters here trend dramatic. But I agree, it’s not great word choice.

        The relationship sounds toxic though. Find a new job, ask a friend if you can stay with them for a while, and quit your job.

        Reply ↓
      2. ChurchOfDietCoke*

        ‘Modern Slavery’ would very much be the term used to describe this kind of exploitative behaviour here in the UK.

        My first thought was to worry whether OP1 is in the country legally or whether she is a victim of trafficking, actually.

        Reply ↓
        1. MK*

          The expression might be appropriate if she is in the country illegally (or some other circumstance exists that constraints her from leaving, though I note that OP did not say remotelylike that). It is very much not, going by the information in the letter: “if I leave my job, my boss/boyfriend will break up with me and ask me to move out” is abusive and exploitative, but labeling it slavery is beyond inappropriate.

          Reply ↓
          1. JustCuz*

            Thats not entirely true. There is ting called coercive control that many traffickers use to hold people in bondage, and housing and livelihood are included in that. AND for those who do not know, in other countries outside the US, coercive control is illegal and is a form of bondage. So yeah, calling it slavery isn’t outside the realm here.

            Reply ↓
          2. Another Kristin*

            This is so far outside the norm both for work AND relationships that I honestly wondered if LW 1 was being human trafficked as well. I also wonder how many other servers in the restaurant think the boss is their boyfriend too. LW 1, get out get out get out get out!

            Reply ↓
      3. JustCuz*

        You do know that slavery still exists right? They give it other names like trafficking or bondage – but it is still slavery. What is happening to OP here is the same exact thing that happens to people who are trafficked. So, yeah, calling it slavery is actually what it is.

        Reply ↓
        1. metadata minion*

          When I’ve seen this situation described as slavery or trafficking, it’s usually because the person being trafficked doesn’t have legal status in the country they’re working in and so have no way to leave their current situation or to get legal help. The LW, as far as we know, can go find different housing and another job if she loses this one. It would suck, don’t get me wrong, but this seems pretty squarely in the realm of “shitty job and abusive relationship” rather than human trafficking.

          Reply ↓
          1. Reb*

            It really depends how much control over other parts of her life he has. Does she have her finances separate or does he have access? Is she allowed to leave the house without his permission? Does he keep her birth certificate and stuff “safe” for her, or can she get hold of those without him noticing? Can she look for a new home or job or is he keeping an eye on her search history? Does he know he email password?

            There’s lots of factors and it’s not easy to say one way or the other.

            Reply ↓
          2. Dolphins*

            Yeah for all the people crying, “human trafficking!” I’m gonna need them to show their work on this. Extensively. It’s actually pretty (redacted) of them to sideline the LW’s actual problems by jumping to those conclusions.

            Reply ↓
      5. Ys*

        Thank you. I see that people are doubling down on this but we have no indication from the information presented in the letter that the LW is being human trafficked. And we are supposed to go off of what is presented in the letter, not make up additional details, as has been requested time and time again by the owner of the site.

        Only slavery is slavery. Yes that includes modern slavery. But while what the LW describes sounds abusive and terrible, it is not slavery. Making that comparison and then having people double down on it is incredibly insensitive and speaks to privilege that apparently people would prefer not to examine but instead double down on.

        Reply ↓
        1. learnedthehardway*

          I’m prepared to see it as a continuum – there’s enough here to say that it is quite possibly abusive and exploitive.

          Reply ↓
    2. Decima Dewey*

      I agree that she needs to find a new job or a new boyfriend, or both. And that boss/boyfriend should not have given new hire Mother’s Day off after denying it to OP, new hire’s birthday or not.

      But OP is asking to have a very busy restaurant day off. That’s not a reasonable request.

      As a restaurant patron, if I have to eat out on one of those busy restaurant days, I go early before the rush and I leave a larger than usual tip.

      Reply ↓
        1. Bella Ridley*

          The LW should absolutely be getting their appropriate time off work, without question. But it’s very, very common in hospitality for there to be blackout days when no days off are permitted (Valentine’s, Mother’s Day, NYE, and for bartenders other various key dates). Depending on their role it may in fact be an unreasonable request for this specific day.

          Reply ↓
          1. amoeba*

            Sure, but their (new) coworker did get the day off, so that doesn’t appear to be the case here! Also, LW writes that she hasn’t taken *any* time off in the last three years, so it does appear to be a bigger issue…

            Reply ↓
            1. Reb*

              Small correction: she gets time off for their joint holidays. Still an issue that she seemingly can’t choose her own time off.

              Reply ↓
      2. Observer*

        But OP is asking to have a very busy restaurant day off. That’s not a reasonable request.

        Why? Yes, it’s busy, but people do take off even on busy days. And the fact that the BF gave the day off to someone else proves that it is not an “all hands on deck” type of day.

        Beyond that, focusing on this, even if it were a “blackout” day, is exactly how abusers operate. So she made an unreasonable request. The answer would be no. But berating her over it? That’s already out of line. Given the rest of the context, that’s the tip of an iceberg.

        He gave the day to a new hire.

        The LW has not had a personal day off in three years.

        The LW has reason to fear for both their *job* and their *home* if they disobey.

        Reply ↓
    3. fhqwhgads*

      It sounds more like if she takes the day off anyway, she expects them to break up. If they live together, breaking up generally means moving out.
      The situation is bad, and it might be as bad as you suggest, but from the info in the letter, we don’t have reason to jump to that.

      Reply ↓
      1. Heidi*

        The way I’m looking at it, if the commentariat is having an earnest discourse over whether OP1 could be classified as a slave, then I would agree it’s quite bad.

        Reply ↓
  24. Rebecca*

    OP1: Leaving a relationship that is entwined with your job or a job that is entwined with your relationship is hard enough even if everything is going well – it always means the risk of rebuilding at least two major parts of your life instead of just one. In this case, if you are seriously afraid of losing your home if you take a day off work – even an unsanctioned, discipline-worthy day off work – things are not going well.

    The line about your being afraid to lose your home based on one day – that’s scary. Only you know the risk factor about firmly telling him you are taking the day off, but if the risk is serious, I’d be thinking past a day off and a crappy boss and looking into making a longer term plan to get out. It might be time to be looking to a support network, somewhere you could go if you quit your job and bugged out. This only gets worse, not better.

    Reply ↓
    1. Alice*

      For OP who is pregnant: I would say, wait as long as you want – but when you do share, I suggest you actually share. Don’t just let people assume – tell people! Some of my colleagues don’t ever announce, they just allow their manager to start mentioning “when Lucy is on leave,” and it’s very awkward. I don’t know if they want to be congratulated or for everyone to ignore it. A little hint about whether this is good news or not will cue everyone in to behave as you want.
      Good luck?

      Reply ↓
  25. pally*

    LW 1- please update us as you are able to.
    I care and hope you are safe.

    Really hope things will improve for you.

    Reply ↓
  26. Quinine..I need quinine*

    Being in a relationship with your boss is never the wisest move, but when it does happen you are supposed to get more perks, favoritism, etc. not less! Get out of both now

    Reply ↓
  27. Do You Hear The People Sing?*

    #1, there are other restaurants. There are SO many other restaurants.

    And there are other men.

    He treats you this way because he can. He gave the new hire Mother’s Day off because he thought she’d leave otherwise. He’s sure you won’t.

    Please move on.

    Reply ↓
    1. Myrin*

      And restaurants are basically always looking for employees, especially someone who’s conscientous and hardworking, which it sounds like the OP is.

      Reply ↓
      1. Jackalope*

        That was part of my thought too. Finding another restaurant job seems plausible and then the LW can figure everything else out. Even if she doesn’t want to stay in the industry, it’s a good way to get herself out of a bad work situation (and even in the best of circumstances, dating your boss is a bad work situation), and give her money that’s not dependent on her romantic situation. Having a friend to crash with for a bit if needed would also help, but from the outside it sounds to me like getting a new job first would be the best way to start things off.

        Reply ↓
  28. Llama Llama*

    A few thoughts for 5. I think 20 weeks is a perfectly reasonable time to wait. Depending on how much you are showing it might start being obvious after that. When I was pregnant (and announced at like 16 weeks) my team already started guessing. However it was a bunch of people I already had been working with and a bunch of women who saw the other signs (like me stop drinking caffeine).

    Just don’t be like the guy on my team who didn’t announce his wife’s pregnancy until she had her baby and then was out for a few weeks while we scrambled to figure out his work.

    Reply ↓
    1. Nerf*

      I’ll add: I was pregnant when I started my most recent job (early on) and waited until 20 weeks to share. It was not a surprise – I felt like I was showing by about 6 weeks. But everyone was fine with it. It’s when I felt comfortable. It’s totally up to you. And coverage was a very big concern for my workplace, but… c’est la vie.

      Reply ↓
  29. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

    OP1: It took over a year and a lot of attempts for me to leave my abusive ex who was controlling of the finances (him: a VERY rich white guy, me: none of the above) because in my heart of hearts I really believed he loved me. 30 odd years later it’s still a hard mindset to shake.

    It can start as simply as putting away tiny amounts of money somewhere he can’t get to and just going along with things until you feel ready to finally say ‘no’. I was lucky – I had family who would take me in even if that meant I had to endure a lot of ‘we TOLD you so’.

    I’m here, all these years later to tell you that it will get better. It took an act of truly barbaric violence for me to finally leave my ex and I really hope that you are not in any danger of that. But years on I’m married to a one in a million guy who simply can’t comprehend the idea of being in any way abusive or controlling. And I ended up with a career that meant I could be financially independent for a while.

    Reply ↓
  30. Hyaline*

    #2, while “approach Sara, approach the board, get out” in order of escalation is probably the best advice, I wonder if there’s anything you can do to make your work more functional in the mean time (since “get out” is not a quick or easy solution)? Can you remove some of her contribution from day to day workflow? How much of what Sara does can you shift from “ask” to “inform”? For example–approving payments. If this means you have an invoice and protocol says “Sara stamps approval” stop having Sara stamp approval. Don’t ask for her to do it. Instead “Hi, Sara, we’re writing the check to pay the Gum Drop Delivery Service tomorrow unless you tell us not to.” If someone needs to set the date for the Candy Cane Inspection and that’s Sara’s job, well. “We will be calling this afternoon to arrange for the Candy Cane Inspectors to come on Tuesday the 19th unless you tell us differently.” What’s the worst case scenario here–that you do something Sara would have done differently? Oh no. Gee. Too bad.

    If only she has access to the systems or accounts, more reason to go to the board–if Sara is going to be staying on despite these challenges, you need someone else to have access to the necessary systems for the times she’s “indisposed.”

    Is this ideal? No. Should you let it replace the steps of escalation Alison laid out? No. But if there are things you can do to avoid pulling your hair out on a day to day basis, well, I tend to be pretty on the side of just do it. Sara is unlikely to notice either way.

    Reply ↓
  31. Sloanicota*

    Number 4, I’m always a bit bemused by people’s insistence that they really need to get to the bottom of feedback before they can implement it. I mean, if someone told me my staff found me unapproachable, I’d probably make a point of being warmer, inviting feedback during staff meetings, and maybe level-setting with my team about how I approach communication or something. Do you really need to hold an inquisition before trying these things?

    Reply ↓
    1. Jam on Toast*

      That’s not always the case. Look at yesterday’s letter about the co-worker who’s always offering not-quite-helpful comparisons to their own life. If they got anonymous feedback saying they lack empathy, they might increase the life-story-shares, because to them, that’s how they believe empathy works.

      Acting precipitously makes it much more likely that this manager will either misdirect their efforts into behaviours that don’t actually improve their professional relationship with their team, or they could even make things worse in the long run if they end up doing more of the wrong things because they lack understanding or insight.

      A one-off meeting where team members can air their concerns freely, speak about the impact and make concrete, anonymized suggestions isn’t an inquisition. It’s just fact-finding, to make sure that when a solution to this interpersonal problem is implemented, it actually lands as intended.

      Reply ↓
      1. Trenchman*

        It is Calvin’s job to get more info from the team members and pass along useful (specific, actionable) feedback to Barnaby. He’s already talking to them!

        Reply ↓
    2. mreasy*

      I have had feedback that people found me aggressive and difficult to work with. Meanwhile, all the actual feedback I received was that I was extremely collaborative and approachable – the people who found me difficult apparently worked in an overseas office. I redoubled my efforts to be kind, easygoing, and helpful – and got the same feedback. At this point, there was literally nothing I could do if I didn’t know any situational examples of what people were taking issue with. Providing general feedback, particularly when it’s about someone’s personality or behavior, without any examples, is often very unhelpful.

      Reply ↓
    3. huh*

      He’s not holding an inquisition. He’s seeing if this is a common problem among his team. Honestly, I don’t see the issue with the whole situation. Do you want your boss to be receptive to the criticism or not?

      Reply ↓
    4. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      If I don’t understand the feedback because I perceive myself as already doing whatever the thing is, then of course I need an explanation. If someone told me they found me unapproachable, I would want to know why. Like, specifically, what did I do? “Being warmer” isn’t a cure all. Frankly, your approach sounds like you are from Guess culture, so you prefer vague hints and guessing at problems and then you label actual communication as “an inquisition”.

      Also, some people don’t have the skill to say what their actual problem is and mislabel it as something like “you are unapproachable” when what they really mean is “that Tuesday last month when I interrupted your phone call you seemed annoyed and I’m still hurt about it even though I know I shouldn’t have barged in without knocking.”

      Reply ↓
    5. metadata minion*

      The LW might already be doing most of that. Sometimes it’s unclear what you’re supposed to try, either because the “feedback” is from one person with a weird hangup or because, say, your new job has very different communication standards than your old one and so someone just needs to explicitly tell you that your “useful, concise” emails are reading as cold or irritated in an office that tends towards lots of social filler and the occasional heart emoji.

      And in a dysfunctional office you might end up with the situation I was in once where *the entire team* were individually told that we dominated conversations in meetings, and didn’t realize that until we talked to each other. None of us particularly needed to rein it in.

      Reply ↓
  32. Juicebox Hero*

    For anyone who needs it, the Domestic Violence Support Network is available 24/7. Their toll-free number is 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.

    I really hope OP1 will give them a call and start preparing to make a safe exit :(

    Reply ↓
  33. Essentially Working*

    Are these really work problems or just personal problems that happen at work? I mean really.

    Reply ↓
    2. GammaGirl1908*

      Yes and yes. Personal problems at work ARE work problems. When you work with people, you have to deal with people-level problems, because people at work will have problems.

      (That’s why it’s called HUMAN resources.)

      Reply ↓
    3. metadata minion*

      The questions here pretty much fall into personal problems at work, potential legal problems, and logistical/productivity help. And the personal problems category is often the one that benefits most from this sort of environment, because it’s not the sort of thing that can be answered by knowing your way around your local employment legal code or looking up reviews of employee scheduling software.

      Reply ↓
  34. Donkey Option*

    I’m going to offer a thought on #3. The fact that the issue was something that ended up blowing makes me think that was why the colleague wanted it kept from LW and their director. I don’t know if it’s nefarious (something that could have easily been resolved but the surprise nature made it look worse than it was) or it was a concern that if it was flagged early, actions might be taken to hide something. I can’t tell which it is. Having seen both situations in organizations with boards, it’s so hard to tell. Sometimes you need to dig quietly in order to bring something to light. Sometimes people set each other up. Without more information it’s hard to tell which situation this is.

    Reply ↓
    1. learnedthehardway*

      It really depends on what the issue was, as to whether the attorney co-worker should have looped the OP in before the situation blew up.

      I’m guessing that the co-worker requested financial documentation or something that would indicate that there was malfeasance somewhere within the company. In that case, the co-worker was correct to require strict confidentiality from Jane, at least until the source of the malfeasance was identified. Eg. if someone is embezzling money from the company, you want to figure who is doing so, before giving them the heads up to cover their tracks.

      It sounds like whatever the issue was, it was serious enough that it caused a major business disruption. However, that’s on the CEO for not looping in the right people to forewarn them of the issue before things got serious. It sounds like the attorney co-worker simply did their job to get the information required by the CEO / Board.

      Reply ↓
    2. GammaGirl1908*

      Agree. LW seems to think that fact that the employee was asked to keep the request quiet automatically means there must have been subterfuge, but that isn’t the case. There are plenty of times you may need to quietly gather some information first before making wild accusations.

      Reply ↓
    3. JustGaveBlood*

      My first thought was that the attorney is the Director of Risk Management and those are generally informally considered C-suite status and are the ones covering liability and so would be appropriate to request confidentiality.

      Reply ↓
  35. umami*

    For #3, I am not so sure that the legal counsel was telling the employee to keep a ‘secret’, it’s more likely that the intent was to keep it ‘confidential’. If there is some investigation going on and information is needed, it should be kept as confidential as possible for as long as possible.

    Reply ↓
  36. Ann O'Nemity*

    #1 – This is just sad. This dude sucks as a boyfriend and as a boss. Get out as soon and as safely as possible.

    Reply ↓
  37. Brank*

    LW1 – this is beyond the scope of AAM but you are in an exploitive and abusive relationship.
    Look at what you wrote: “I feel like he is just treating me like a body there, like I’m replaceable, and he keeps on working me to the bone but refuses to see it in my way at all” This is not a partnership nor a respectful manager/employee one.

    Reply ↓
  38. iglwif*

    LW1: Your situation is full of bees. You need to find a new job! And a bank account your boyfriend can’t access, and a plan for getting out of there. (Captain Awkward has great advice here: https://captainawkward.com/2022/07/13/should-you-stay-or-should-you-go/)

    The best construction I can put on what you describe is that Boyfriend is trying to prove to everyone else that he is not favouring his girlfriend-employee by treating you worse than everyone else instead. And that’s still not good!!

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  39. Stuart Foote*

    In almost any normal context LW1’s letter would be horrifying, but unfortunately it is par for the course in the restaurant industry. Anthony Bourdain made restaurant life sound adventurous and fun, almost poetic, but in my experience it is super dysfunctional with zero boundaries. That doesn’t change the advice to LW1, but unfortunately she has ended up in an industry where that sort of thing is pretty normal.

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  40. Liz the Snackbrarian*

    LW1 I can almost guarantee you he isn’t giving you time off because he wants to control what you do and who you spend time with. A lot of abusers isoalte their victims from family and friends so it’s not surprising he won’t let you have Mother’s Day off. Please speak with a domestic violence hotline and start making a plan to get out. You deserve a better partner and work situation.

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  41. Anna Davis*

    LW1: Maybe a bit off-topic but
    a) how does he treat you when you are sick and *you* feel like you can’t work that day? Does he accept it or does he decide that you aren’t too sick to work and make you come in anyway?
    b) how are your vacations being planned? Is it collaborative or mostly by his design?
    Just some questions to give you some thoughts into his character and your relationship.

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  43. nerd_bird*

    LW1: There are already a lot of comments here, so I don’t know if you’ll see this one, but I hope this helps in terms of clarity–along with the other comments.

    Coercive control means that one person (or entity) has so much control over so many domains of your life that they can repeatedly corner you into doing things you don’t want, or that are not in your best interest, because they can use the control they have over the other parts of your life to raise the cost of saying no to a level that is too unbearable to absorb.

    Looking at your situation: your boyfriend is the owner of the restaurant, so you can’t go over his head to protect yourself here. He’s also the manager, so he can cut your hours and your income at any time you want. You also live with him, so he can use his control over your earnings to control your continued housing. (Now, managers in the service sector cut hours all the time, therefore affecting the worker’s income and possibly their housing. But they don’t usually do this to someone they also live with–it’s the fact that you also live with your boss that makes it so much harder to push back or just find another job, because he also has knowledge of what you do and where you go in your non-working hours.) Taken all together, that means he can browbeat you about asking for a day off a month in advance, control where you go and what you do for vacation, and so forth, and there’s no you can go who’s above him in the workplace.

    As hard as this is, you have to stop thinking of him as your boyfriend and start thinking of him as a boss who is exerting a dangerous level of control over both your work and your non-work life. Those two things are working in tandem: he can always control one because he can always control the other.

    This is going to be hard, because again, living with your boss means that he can control how much free time you have to look for another job, but in terms of the order of operations here, the very first thing you need to do is find another job. At a granular level, see if you can switch shifts with someone without talking to him first. Don’t go directly home with him at the end of the shift or the day. Do what you can to carve out the time to find something. The strongest leverage you have here to make choices about your housing is keeping continuity of income.

    Next, look at your savings and your housing situation. Is it a rental that has both your names on the lease? If so, then as long as you can continue to pay your share of rent and the bills, he can’t kick you out just for changing jobs. If it’s his property, or he’s the only name on the lease, then gather all the documentation you can of everything you’ve paid for and contact a housing lawyer–there are organizations in every state that offer pro bono counseling–about your right to stay until you’re ready to leave. Again, you’re in a stronger position to do so if you have another job. Again, all this is hard to do if he’s controlling your working hours and is present for your free time at home, so try to carve out time when you’re not around him for this documentation and consultation work: switch shifts, go to the library instead of home with him at the end of the day, etc.

    Finally, move on to the next job. Take away that lever of control, and make sure you’re absolutely solid about what your housing rights are when you do it, so he doesn’t have that mechanism of control, either. Make sure he can’t sabotage you to your next boss if you’re still in the restaurant industry–documenting everything is a good start. Get your ducks in a row to move out.

    Finally, break up him for good. It’s painful and lonely to lose the affection, shared history, and hope for a shared future that even a bad partner gives. There’s no denying rhat. But this person is exploiting you, both as a worker and as a partner. You deserve better.

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  44. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

    LW#5, are there things you can do between now and 20 weeks of pregnancy to prepare the team for your absence, just without telling them that’s why? As a manager, there’s nothing inherently odd about supporting your reports to upskill or cross-train. Basically, you can still get things moving even if you haven’t yet communicated why with your team.

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    1. Area Woman*

      I agree with this. You also never know how things will go, so preparing without announcing is a nice compromise. I told my boss very early (I had severe morning sickness) but then my pregnancy had a lot of complications, I had MULTIPLE appointments a week, was hospitalized for monitoring once at 30 weeks, and then had her at 34 weeks. So kind of doesn’t matter even if you announce early- lots of things can happen and your health and the baby are #1 priority. Treat it like any medical leave. If the place will fall apart without a couple months notice, then it isn’t your responsibility to announce things to accommodate that. No man in your industry would be required of that if they needed surgery or broke their dominant hand or something!

      If you WANT to announce earlier that is your prerogative! I have seen it all ways.

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  45. nerd_bird*

    As a follow-up, do not tell your boss-boyfriend that you’re going to do any of this. Issuing ultimatums, on the order of “if you don’t–then I will”, to try to change his behavior just isn’t going to work here because he has too much control over too many parts your life. It’s incredibly hard to start thinking of someone you care about as a hostile opponent, but unfortunately, that’s what he is, and he’s already treating you that way–he’s just hoping that you don’t pick up on it and keep viewing this as a relational issue, rather than the antagonism he already sees it as.

    And to clarify, I think you should move out no matter what. But if you don’t have money for a deposit or moving expenses saved up just yet, getting a new job and standing on rock-solid ground in terms of your current housing rights will give you the breathing room you need to find another place without worrying so much about him kicking you out (or locking you out) before you’re ready to go.

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  46. Observer*

    #1 – Bad boss / boyfriend.

    You’ve gotten lots of advice to get out. And I agree with that 100%.

    What I want to say is that you need to take some steps TODAY, regardless of what you do.

    1. Change your passwords on every single account that you have.

    2. If you have a joint bank account, do not put a single penny in there beyond the basics of what you should cover (eg your portion of food if you shop together).

    3. Make sure that you have a separate bank account if you don’t have one yet. And if you have a separate bank account, but have direct deposit for your pay, please open a separate account that is totally not linked to your existing account, preferably at a different bank. Move *everything* you have to the new account. And move your pay into the new account immediately after your payroll hits your formal account.

    4. Factory reset your phone, or get a new one.

    5. Set up 2FA on all of your accounts, and do NOT use your phone number for the 2nd factor. Either use an app, or better yet, use a hardware dongle wherever you can.

    I know this sounds paranoid. But you BF/Boss is not trustworthy, and I have seen enough to know that his tracking you is a real possibility, as is his abusing his access to your account (via direct deposit) to “punish” you.

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    1. nerd_bird*

      I’m so glad you said all this. She should also do a sweep for airtags with her bags, wallet, vehicle, etc. When a person is in this situation, they really do need to get this granular and nuts-and-bolts in protecting themselves. It’s really hard to make the mental switch–I’ve been there myself, and cultivating tactical paranoia about my ex-partner was exhausting and demoralizing, but it was an absolute necessity. And it’s better to be over-cautious now, but nonetheless have your life functions secured even if he never does anything, than afterwards discover depths of vindictiveness from your ex-partner that you didn’t imagine possible. She should treat all these as prophylactic measures, rather than waiting for “proof” of bad faith from him.

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    2. Festively Dressed Earl*

      Good, practical list. Get all electronic statements for the new account(s), preferably going to a separate email address he doesn’t have access to. Consider getting an emergency, no-frills, low rate credit card as well. LW would have to intercept the mail until the new debit/credit cards arrive, but after that there won’t be any statements to leave a trail.

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  47. Office Plant Queen*

    LW1, definitely start looking for a new job! And reach out to friends/family who are nearby (or could travel to you) if your housing situation is precious. It wasn’t super clear from the letter if losing the place where you live would mean that you’re immediately out with whatever stuff you can grab or if he’d move out and you wouldn’t be able to afford rent or if you’d have a couple weeks to find a new place and move.

    In any case, you’re in a tough situation and something needs to change. This isn’t sustainable. The first thing should be your job, although it might not be possible to do that without ending your relationship in the process, so you should be prepared for that. If your boyfriend would see you quitting as a huge betrayal, the answer isn’t to keep working for him, it’s to leave both the job and the boyfriend. Whether or not you should even tell him you’re looking for a new job will depend on what you know about him – if he’d take it okay and be supportive and appreciate that he could post your job and maybe even have you train the new person before you left, great. If he’d react badly to you quitting no matter how much notice you gave, then don’t say anything until you’ve got another job lined up, just like you probably would with a boss you weren’t dating

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  48. Observer*

    #2 – Absentee boss.

    I agree with Alison that you will probably need to start looking for a new job. Having said that, you / your manager should absolutely feel free to talk to the Board.

    There is nothing shady, untrustworthy, insubordinate, or in any way problematic about approaching the Board. In fact, this is one of the few ares where *not* approaching the Board might be problematic.

    Because Boards are generally not supposed to be involved in direct personnel issues. The one exception to that is that the Board manages and supervises the ED. If they are at all competent, they are not being given some key information that you have. By the same token, they need to be looking at how the organization operates (or not) on a high level with an eye to long term sustainability and ability to meet the mission of the organization and legal requirements. Again, they clearly don’t have all of the information they need on that front.

    What the Board needs to hear about is not details like “we had a delay in getting printer toner last week.” But patterns like “we regularly run out of supplies we need in order to fulfill reporting requirements, because only Sara can approve those orders and she takes x number of days to do so.” or “We regularly have significant delays in x, y, and z areas because Sara doesn’t respond to emails till things become an emergency.”

    In other words, patters and how those patterns affect the over-all ability of the organization to function.

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  49. Quill*

    LW1: I know this isn’t the reddit advice forum, but… your problem is in part the relationship. Find a new job so you can leave your boss / boyfriend / guy who clearly takes you for granted. And also, check whether he’s paying you properly, and if you were thinking of combining your finances in any way – don’t.

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  50. Pesky*

    #5 – even if you suddenly deliver early, you don’t owe work earlier notice than what you are comfortable with.

    People go on medical leave all the time with and without notice. Businesses are able to deal with it.

    I suggest having a high level list of important items / goals ready when you do inform work to give the team direction just in case your leave starts earlier than planned. And of course, take care of you. Congrats on your pregnancy!

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  51. Laura*

    I’m dealing with a similar situation to LW2 and honestly, completely echo Allison’s advice. I’m an independent contractor and sure, they keep paying my invoices and I keep making stuff and sending it into the void, but after a pretty short amount of time not being able to get any kind of response or acknowledgement (and 70% of the things I send aren’t used!), it kills the desire to work. And I love the mission of the org! Definitely get out before you’re burnt out!

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  52. Festively Dressed Earl*

    Start thinking seriously about what’s keeping you in both these entanglements (the job and the man), and at a minimum start trying to separate them out from each other. It might get a lot easier to clearly see the state of the relationship if you’re no longer working together.

    LW 1, take this advice even if you feel like you’re not being abused. You should also aim higher when looking for a new job – management or a more upscale restaurant with better pay.

    If this is somehow just one bad blind spot in an otherwise stable relationship, you still need to get some space from each other. Working together in a high stress/drama prone industry like a restaurant just isn’t sustainable. If you don’t feel like having a heavy conversation with your BF about this (or don’t feel safe doing so), looking to move upward in the industry is a reasonable and normal goal all on its own after 3 years in one position. If your BF offers to move you up at the restaurant he owns instead, thank him and tell him that it’s important to you to get this position on your own merits.

    Then tell him your salary/tips are 25% less than they actually are so that you can start saving for a rainy day. Opt for all electronic communications to avoid having to explain a bank statement. Even if you don’t move out or break up, you never want to be in a position where you’re trapped if something happens to him – a partner without papers doesn’t have the same safety nets as a spouse. Hell, I’ve been married for over a decade but still have my own separate credit card, checking, and savings with enough stashed for a few months’ expenses. It makes it easier to pull off birthday/anniversary surprises too.

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  53. Office Drone*

    LW2: I don’t know if you’ll see this, but you and Jill and anyone else willing to do so should consider going to the board of your nonprofit. Owners of for-profits can do what they like (within the law), but even founders of nonprofits can be pushed out by the board. I say this as someone who watched just such a coup happen to the MIA founder of a nonprofit I worked at for years.

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  54. Raida*

    1. My boss is my boyfriend and won’t give me a day off

    Get a different job.
    Then once you’re settled in, see if you still want the boyfriend.

    Maybe it’s just so much better once your work and home lives aren’t intertwined!
    Or maybe he’s a whiny bastard about you leaving the job, or where you’re working now, or how you *always seem to have time for…* at the new place, and he becomes the least attractive dude in the world and you can’t even remember why you dated him.

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  55. Little Miss Sunshine*

    I once worked for a woman who did not actually announce her pregnancy; she just started talking about leave coverage at around 7 months. Announcing that you and your partner have successfully coupled and created life is a weird thing at work. Discussing plans for a leave is more of a normal workplace thing. Don’t feel obligated to tell anyone anything unless you want to.

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    1. Observer*

      Announcing that you and your partner have successfully coupled and created life is a weird thing at work.

      What I think is weird is this take on pregnancy announcements. First, there the fact that pregnancy is not always the result of “coupling”. Secondly, the idea that no one would have ever guessed that the LW might be successfully coupling without the pregnancy announcement is just bizarre. I mean, that’s what couples do, you know? Of course, most people don’t jump to that when they think about the people in their workplace. But they also generally do not jump to “oh, successful coupling” when hearing about a pregnancy announcement. If someone did actually comment on that, that person would be seen a weird – and probably totally creepy.

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    2. Commenty*

      I doubt it was the purpose, but that’s a clever way to avoid the cringeworthy mess that is the Office Baby Shower.

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  56. Jeneral*

    Op#3: This reminds me of a situation I went through a few years ago at my previous organization, where a few highly connected clients managed to overthrow a popular CEO. 75% of the staff left in the aftermath. It could totally be something else, but a powerful person digging for information outside the hierarchy, on a situation that shorty blows up, to me sets off alarm bells that someone is making power plays/political moves. I would be in close contact with your direct reports to keep tabs on the situation, be scrupulously professional, and polish my resume.

    Reply ↓

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