my boss loves being told she’s beautiful

by Alison Green on April 7, 2025

A reader writes:

My boss clearly loves compliments on her appearance, and our team is responding with more and more of them. It feels embarrassing and a bit ridiculous to me, especially since no one ever makes these kind of compliments to anyone else (e.g., “I love your shoes” to another team member but stuff like “you’re so beautiful, your face is radiant” to the boss).

I’m her deputy. I can’t bring myself to say anything about her looks, it feels too weird. But the compliments come so often from other team members that I worry it starts to look pointed that I say nothing. And I also wonder if I need to point out to her that this dynamic that is intensifying and suggest that she cools it down a little (without implying that I don’t think she looks good)?

Or should I let this go and just accept this as a quirk of an otherwise good boss?

I wrote back and asked, “I am admittedly fascinated by this — how did it even start happening?! Did someone compliment her on looking nice one day and her reaction was so appreciative that others started doing it too?”

Yes, exactly this. It started with occasional compliments about something she was wearing. She normally says something like, “Oh, do you really think so? You’re so nice, you make me feel so good” and sometimes goes and looks in the mirror or reapplies make up. And I guess naturally people started saying it more and more.

And it’s been gradually ramping up to the point that now every day when she arrives at the office, it’s almost a team ritual to gather round and tell her how beautiful she is. I don’t think she favors the ones who gush about her the most, she just enjoys it in general. But it still just feels weird to me and I don’t know whether to tell her she’s gorgeous or try and tactfully tell her to shut it down!

Well…

This is of course really weird and not good from a team dynamics perspective, but it’s also hilarious.

Like, can you imagine coming to work every day and preening while people gathered round to tell you how beautiful you look? And then going to gaze at yourself in the mirror to bask in your reflected beauty? I do not think this is a normal experience, even for the supermodels among us.

And it is extremely entertaining.

As for what to do … you’re absolutely right that it’s weird and she should cool it, but given the balance of power between you, if you feel too awkward about raising it and would rather leave it alone, it doesn’t rise to the level of something where you have to intervene.

I generally try to apply a “is this really what I would do in real life?” test to my advice (because otherwise it’s easy to fall into giving advice that sounds right but isn’t actually realistic, given humans and politics and all the strange pressures of work life), and I’ve gotta say, I’d almost definitely leave it alone and just enjoy it as the very strange spectacle it is.

The exception to that is if you have the kind of relationship where you could comfortably say, “Dude, it’s getting weird that everyone is complimenting you so much every morning — I think we should try to stop that” — but I’m guessing that if you did, you already would have said it.

This would not be my advice if you were seeing favoritism toward the team members who compliment her or any chilliness toward those who don’t. If that were happening, as her deputy you’d have more of an obligation to speak up (although still not an absolute one, given the power differential). It would also be different if you were her manager; in that case, you’d really need to point out that she’s creating a weird dynamic and should stop it.

All that said, if you are comfortable speaking up, you could say something like, “Have you noticed we’ve developed almost a ritual of everyone complimenting you in the morning? I worry about people feeling like they need to curry favor with you.”

But man, it’s hard to say that without sounding like you’re saying, “You are not that pretty and they’re just sucking up to you.”

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{ 272 comments }

{ 272 comments… read them below or add one }

    1. Spiritbrand*

      One day, someone’s going to say, “Oh did you see how good Gretchen over there looks today?” and it’s going to be A THING.

      Reply ↓
    4. bananners*

      Are we sure someone over at Disney didn’t submit this in some attempt at guerilla marketing to salvage Snow White at the box office?

      Reply ↓
    5. goddessoftransitory*

      My first reaction was “are you a palace employee and the queen is a bit emotionally labile?”

      Reply ↓
    6. Nonprofit ED*

      Exactly! That was my first thought! Mirror Mirror on the Wall…. Who is the fairest of them all?

      Reply ↓
    7. Squishy*

      I was thinking more like a song that was cut from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. It begs for musical staging

      Reply ↓
      1. The Bureaucrat*

        I wish I could give you a gold star for referencing my favorite musical. The Return To Office would be so much easier for me if there were music and dancing.

        Reply ↓
  3. Charlotte Lucas*

    Petty me really wants to know how objectively attractive Boss is.

    I have a former manager who U could totally see doing this. (FTR, she was not beautiful, inside or out. But she had lovely hands. I guess you can if you never do any work.)

    Reply ↓
    1. T.N.H*

      I think the supermodels among us (as Alison puts it) grow to hate this kind of attention. I suspect this is really about the boss having low self-esteem in this area and needing that fake boost.

      Reply ↓
    4. OP*

      She looks good (better than me!) , but not so much that you would obviously be blown away by how gorgeous she is. I mean, maybe I’m just not seeing it, but I don’t think she’s noticeably more attractive than the rest of the people in the office.

      And she definitely works hard! this is just a weird thing about her I can’t seem to get past.

      Reply ↓
      1. ckee*

        Thank you! The additional context is very appreciated. And yeah, I don’t think I would be able to get past it, either!!!

        Reply ↓
      2. duinath*

        i get that. it almost doesn’t matter what good qualities she has (although it is good that she has them) because this weird thing she’s doing it weird enough that it will naturally overshadow most things about her.

        i don’t think this is good for anyone involved, but it isn’t something you really have the power to change, as far as i can tell, so if i were you i’d focus on not letting it get to you. don’t let it become normal, keep in your mind that nobody else would want this at work and your boss is an outlier.

        Reply ↓
      3. Chick-n-boots*

        Yeah, I think it is objectively weird and it is totally understandable that you find it weird and uncomfortable. I absolutely would too.

        Reply ↓
      4. The Bureaucrat*

        Have you tried asking her if she is feeling ok and suggesting that she looks tired? It probably wouldn’t help, but it might be amusing.

        Reply ↓
      5. Performative gumption*

        Do you think she actually loves the attention or is she secretly pleased but also feeling a bit awkward with all the compliments?
        For what it’s worth I think your colleagues doing the performative complimenting are the weirdest ones.

        Reply ↓
    5. JustCuz*

      SIGH. I once was listening to a Psychiatrist who worked with inmates. He said he had to learn how important it is to check himself as soon as he started feel like someone was making him feel good. Because making others feel good are what people who are incredibly manipulative do to try to lure you in and take advantage of you. (He told a horrible story about how he did end up learning this lesson the hard way btw). But anyway, as much as this says about the woman being praised, much more is being said about the coworkers who are engaged in it. Yuck. Yucks all around!

      Reply ↓
      1. Writergal*

        Oh, yeah, that’s flattery. I like complements and saying them to others, but I don’t have an agenda. That is something to think about when someone starts buttering up to someone.

        Reply ↓
    2. Artemesia*

      Our family saying is ‘It’s all part of life’s rich pageant’ when things go awry. works for this.

      Reply ↓
        1. KGD*

          Ha – I just had a student write out instructions to teach an alien how to take the subway (we’re practicing dividing tasks into manageable chunks) – and he included the sentence “There will be sketchy people but that is life”

          Reply ↓
  5. Just a Pile of Oranges*

    Ah, my favorite kind of letter: this is kind of bad, but mostly hilarious.

    Reminds of the Self Esteem Team from that Hiimdaisy Metal Gear parody comic.

    Reply ↓
    1. DEJ*

      As much as I love the truly useful advice that this site provides me on a daily basis, it’s the days that bring me letters like these that bring me the most joy.

      Reply ↓
    2. goddessoftransitory*

      Or the Ballard Street comic “Mabel’s Support Hose,” where the lady’s stockings are going “Knock ’em dead, baby! You got this!”

      Reply ↓
      2. epicdemiologist*

        It’s a good thing I’m working from home because this comment made me laugh out loud, and traffic fatalities aren’t funny!

        Reply ↓
  6. Ashley Armbruster*

    OMG!!!!!! hahahahahahahaha

    I feel like there needs to be a thread on when managers with high titles are on power trips but also weirdly fragile

    I’m dealing with one of those, and it’s so transparent it’s also comical.

    Reply ↓
      1. Zona the Great*

        I had a boss who was the principal of the school. She loved attention so much that she nominated herself for every “best” educator award she could find. She’d have parents write her recommendations and sometimes would write them for parents to just sign. She always got so upset when only her little beloved minion in the school would show up at the board meeting to watch her get her award. She’d then display the awards in a glass case outside of her office each with an accompanying picture of her, her minion, and the school board with said award.

        Reply ↓
        1. Momma Bear*

          My kid had a principal like that – it became a game to see how many large photos of himself he could put around the school and at least for a couple of years awards had his name on them, as if it was the “Dr. Winston Smith” school instead of an ordinary public elementary school. It was so insecure and territorial. He’d come from a charter school in another state where he had run-ins with the parents, so I figure his ego had gotten him in trouble before. There were so many things wrong with him and I’m not sure which of us was most relieved to see the last of the other.

          Reply ↓
      2. zuzu*

        I worked at a place where the office manager had the title “operations manager.” Why? Because the previous holder of that job had been given the title in lieu of a raise and/or promotion. Because that was something the previous director of the library had done quite a bit. The previous holder of the job had not let the title go to her head; she was well aware that she was an office manager with a puffed-up title and she had a job to do.

        The one I worked with, though? Everything administrative was beneath her. She considered herself a party planner who was slumming at a library. She spent her time decorating the break room, planning monthly birthday celebrations and holiday parties, ordering lavish lunches for meetings, flirting with the grounds and maintenance guys, and having meltdowns when she wasn’t thanked profusely for the very few things she did that had anything to do with the running of the library.

        Reply ↓
      3. Orora*

        Oooh, I’ll play along. At one organization, during our staff meetings, we usually all gave a short debrief on what we’ve been working on. At one meeting, when my grandboss (org. head honcho) was supposed to give his debrief, he produced a copy of the book he’d been quoted in. I thought for a second he was going to offer a signed copy to the highest bidder.

        This is the same guy who would remind us of his resume if it was implied our second-in-command (who apparently is a rock star in our industry) was more of a “draw” for attention to our organization than he was.

        Reply ↓
    2. Heather*

      The CRO at my last company was a no-nonsense ball-buster career lady in a male-dominated industry who routinely ate lesser executives for breakfast. I wanted to be her when I grew up. I was very lucky she accepted me as a mentee but in the process I accidentally figured out that her kryptonite was validation – like real validation not bullshit you had to be able to cite what it was she was doing well and why she was amazing at something which really wasn’t hard because legitimately she was one of those truly spectactuar business people. She had a military father and career-focused mother, was the eldest daughter and had a baby brother who could do no wrong so not surprising this was an easy way to endear yourself to her. You could really tell who had figured this out about her when they restructured parts of the company because people who absolutely should have been laid off were kept or people who could barely do their jobs were promoted.

      Reply ↓
    3. Saraquill*

      There weren’t titles in my old job, but the boss’s wife had a managerial position. Towards the end of my time there, she used her status to play favorites and vent her stress on designated targets.

      One of her power trips involved yelling at me for consulting Boss rather than her on a sales project he assigned me, and had another staff member take down all the items Boss asked me to post for sale during a major retail season.

      Since Boss was pulling his own power trips on me, I was too worn down to report this. I doubt it would have done any good regardless.

      Reply ↓
    2. Judge Judy and Executioner*

      Usually, this means someone is the boss’s number two or right-hand person. For example, if the boss were too busy getting compliments to fulfill her job obligations, her duties would fall to the deputy.

      Reply ↓
    3. Emily Byrd Starr*

      The person who doesn’t get shot when someone shoots the sheriff.

      (sorry, I couldn’t resist. It’s a reference to a song.)

      Reply ↓
        1. Chirpy*

          I was always under the impression that the deputy had also been shot, but the singer was making it clear that he only shot the sheriff (and he did it in self defense)

          Reply ↓
          1. Irish Teacher.*

            That was how I took it too, that the deputy was murdered and the singer was assumed to be guilty due to shooting the sheriff and that that meant his defence of “self-defence” wasn’t being believed.

            Reply ↓
            1. JustCuz*

              I always pondered on this, like maybe he is implying that the sheriff shot the deputy and was trying to pin it on the guy. Like the deputy found out how crooked the sheriff was and the sheriff put him out. And then was gonna kill this guy, witness. I put a lot of thought into this …

              Reply ↓
              1. Chirpy*

                That makes sense though, the singer sounds like he’s trying to convince everyone that he’s been framed.

                Reply ↓
        1. Wendy Darling*

          My dad was low key obsessed with the Eric Clapton version of this song when I was a kid but I still only know that line.

          Reply ↓
          2. Statler von Waldorf*

            Eric Clapton sucks for a variety of reasons, including racist rants, covid conspiracy theories, and that cover.

            The original by Bob Marley was better.

            Reply ↓
      5. Irish Teacher.*

        “I shot my vain boss, but I didn’t shoot her deputy…My vain boss always hated me, for what I don’t know (but it’s probably beccause I didn’t flatter her enough).”

        Reply ↓
      6. sb51*

        I grew up with a lot of folk music, so my brain always cuts in right after this lyric with a tempo and genre change to “all I ever did was shoot a deputy down” (Kingston Trio, Bad Man’s Blunder)

        Reply ↓
  8. Retail Dalliance*

    the way i rubbed my hands together like the guy in the meme/gif when I read the title of this letter…

    Reply ↓
      1. AnonAnonSir!*

        Dear Allison, my boss told me to murder her step-daughter and I’ve just faked a dead body with a stag’s heart, do I need to switch careers?

        Reply ↓
        2. Lifebeforecorona*

          No but you need to speak to HR first before your boss puts you on a PIP for not meeting expectations. Explain why you acted against work policies that involve being a team player.

          Reply ↓
    2. Emily Byrd Starr*

      Are there seven people of unusually short stature in your office? Or an extremely pale white woman who is much more beautiful than your boss?

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        THANK YOU. Snow White is such an insipid little drip! The Queen is gorgeous and scary, my goal in life! (I was just talking to Husband about this last night)

        Reply ↓
        1. Emmy Noether*

          I always wanted to be the queen in that fairy tale, even as a child. My parents were briefly worried about what that said about me, but, like, the queen gets to rule a country and do magic, and Snow White gets to do the housework for seven men and never leave the house (and later gets sold to a random guy while unconscious), so… I’m fine with being second most beautiful if those are the choices (which, I guess, ironically makes me not the queen).

          Reply ↓
    3. Forrest Rhodes*

      And every afternoon, behind the closed door of her office, her coworkers hear,
      “Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
      Who’s the fairest of them all?”

      Seconding Rex Libris re the apples …

      Reply ↓
  10. Bird names*

    I do wonder if any of the others do it out of peer-pressure though? It might be a bit easier to stay out of it as deputy, but even without favoritism shown I’d worry a bit about folks feeling pressured to participate.

    Reply ↓
    1. HonorBox*

      This is something I was going to suggest the OP dig into a bit, but indirectly. Don’t go around asking staff about it, but definitely keep a closer ear to the ground. Follow up if someone makes a comment. Then you’d be equipped to go back to the boss and say something like, “All of us agree that you are beautiful, wear really nice clothing (etc.,) but I’ve gotten the sense that there are some folks who are feeling like they must participate in the compliments to fit in or to have a better standing in your mind. I think it might be good to shut down the daily compliment gaggle and just take organic compliments as they come up.”

      Reply ↓
      1. TechWorker*

        Honestly I cannot imagine any situation where I’d start a conversation with a colleague let alone a boss with ‘all of us agree you’re beautiful’ ….

        Reply ↓
    2. Antilles*

      I absolutely believe this, especially since the Boss is clearly enjoying the attention. OP might say that the Boss doesn’t/wouldn’t favor anyone for being part of the ritual and maybe that’s 100% true, but the staff might not know that or be willing to run the risk by opting out.

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        And honestly, if Boss is from planet Earth, she’s going to be influenced by this. It’s human nature or compliments wouldn’t exist.

        Reply ↓
    3. Anonym*

      Yes, I would more strongly encourage action than Alison has done. And I think this is actually totally reasonable, and does not call Boss’ attractiveness into question at all: “Have you noticed we’ve developed almost a ritual of everyone complimenting you in the morning? I worry about people feeling like they need to curry favor with you.”

      OP will have a good sense of whether the above will fly, but this is really creating a crappy, bizarre dynamic for the team. Imagine being a new employee and encountering this! I’d be dialing up recruiters in a heartbeat!

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        This is a very good rule of thumb! “If I were a brand new hire and walked into this situation, what would be my immediate reaction?”

        Immediate is important because people can acclimate/downplay stuff really quickly, especially in a new situation where they’re nervous.

        Reply ↓
    4. Shirley Keeldar*

      And can you imagine being a new hire on this team, wondering WTF is up with this daily ritual of “Oh my what radiant beauty you have, boss”? Boy would I feel pressured to join in, and boy would I feel completely awkward and lost and terrified that I had landed in Team Narcissus when I’d thought I was just getting a job in Accounting….

      Reply ↓
      1. Margaret Cavendish*

        Right? It’s like that experiment where you introduce some weird social activity to a group of strangers. They all start to follow along out of a desire to fit in, to the point that you can eventually replace all the people who knew why this was happening – everybody keeps doing the thing, but nobody knows why.

        Reply ↓
    5. Miette*

      I am also wondering if and how this is discussed among the workers. Do they do it because of peer pressure or as an in-joke?

      Yes, I find this objectively hilarious, but a tiny part of me feels a bad for this manager who may be thinking, “My, what a lovely, generous crew I’ve got here!” when in the meanwhile news is being spread around the industry that she’s so vain she requires compliments with her morning coffee.

      Reply ↓
    6. Gender*

      I would love to know the gender ratio in the team and the gender of LW. I think it might be easier to get away with not saying anything if LW is male and the rest is female. But if all are women? It’s so difficult to tell.

      Reply ↓
      1. Goldenrod*

        I’m also so curious about what she *does* look like? *Is* she unusually beautiful? Or average? Or is she a bit unattractive?

        I strongly believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder – and shouldn’t usually be part of the context of a situation – but in THIS situation, it does change the context, in my opinion. Is she conventionally good-looking? It seems like more manipulative, clownish behavior (from her reports) if she is markedly unattractive…and less self-aware.

        Reply ↓
        1. Festively Dressed Earl*

          OP posted upthread “She looks good (better than me!) , but not so much that you would obviously be blown away by how gorgeous she is.”

          Reply ↓
    1. juliebulie*

      Even she kept it between her and the mirror.
      Though she did try to get Snow White killed. Whatever you do, don’t be prettier than her!

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Her big mistake was outsourcing her jealousy murder–probably could have made it look accidental if she’d handled it herself from the get-go.

        Reply ↓
  13. Cabbagepants*

    I feel like this is a ticking time bomb. Just as your boss might feel miffed by omission if you don’t gush over her, bystanders who don’t know your ritual could feel miffed by omission when you only gush over your boss.

    I don’t know a fix, though, at least not one within the LW’s power!

    Reply ↓
  16. Lady Cocca*

    I admit I lost it when I pictured this woman entering the office while a flock of people gathered around her to praise her beauty.
    Holy camoly, sometimes I do love people!

    Reply ↓
    1. LadyMTL*

      It’s almost a reverse of the scene in The Devil Wears Prada when Miranda Priestly arrives in the office – instead of everyone scuttling out of her way to hide, they’re scuttling up to her to wax rhapsodic over her skin. It’s so bizarre hahaha.

      Reply ↓
      1. Seashell*

        The letter does have a very Devil Wears Prada vibe to me. If a lower-level worker got a perk after complimenting Miranda, it would have become a daily occurrence by all of the minions in that workplace.

        Reply ↓
  17. Pastor Petty Labelle*

    this is so very weird. OP does she have any other weird things that make you question her judgement. Because a boss who needs daily compliments on their looks from their employees has seriously questionable judgement. Or is this just the one weird thing she does and is otherwise a good boss — goes to bat for her team, protects them as much as possible from higher ups, gives good clear instructions and feedback?

    I cannot imagine a good boss not realizing that expecting her reports to praise her looks in the year of our lord 2025 is not a good thing for a boss to be doing.

    Reply ↓
    1. Chick-n-boots*

      Yeah, I’m curious about this as well. It’s so strange and so not in sync with business/workplace culture in general that I’m really skeptical that there aren’t other judgement issues with this boss. Because this is seriously, seriously weird.

      Reply ↓
  18. Nanny Ogg*

    I laughed reading this, it is exactly what I needed on a Monday. OP Please send an update for the December update fest if she either escalates this or it cools down. I am fascinated.

    Reply ↓
      1. Momma Bear*

        Nanny (love the name, btw) is probably just referring to the annual round up of the most ridiculous letters from the past year.

        Reply ↓
  19. Not Tom, Just Petty*

    I want to be a fly on the wall and see how the team has broken down the task:
    Is it like brewing the coffee, see if anyone has “put boss in a good mood/distracted her from the general flow” and if not, do it?
    Is there an unofficial round robin, where you keep an eye on who did it yesterday and step in?
    Is there a spreadsheet? I would love a spreadsheet.
    Compliment:
    Name of person who gave compliment:
    Initial reaction:
    Amount of follow up primping through the day:
    Number of smiles over all:
    Length of staff meeting on day compliment was given:
    Any additional perks on day compliment was given:
    Negative reactions:

    So. Much. Data.

    Call the subject Diane Bossy.

    Reply ↓
    1. Thin Mints didn't make me thin*

      I think this might need a database. “Who has used ‘radiant’ in the past 60 days?” “Is Sales outpacing Accounting in the number of compliments?” “Is there a correlation between the number of pizza parties and the uptick in compliments in Q1?”

      Reply ↓
          1. Milltown*

            Of course I misread this as “pretty” cash at first.

            “Oh penny, you’re so shiny! No wonder you’re everyone’s lucky charm!”

            Reply ↓
    2. Not Tom, Just Petty*

      Reading replies. Once again, I have found my people.
      It’s not even that I’m busting on OP’s boss, I am carried away by collecting and analyzing the data!

      Reply ↓
  21. Juicebox Hero*

    When I was young my mother had a friend who called her nearly every day. If one of us kids answered the phone, we had to tell our mother that THE BEAUTIFUL Mrs S was on the phone. If they went somewhere together, she was out with THE BEAUTIFUL Mrs S. Decades later I bumped into her at random and was all like OMG it’s THE BEAUTIFUL Mrs S! She didn’t recognize me, so it was sort of awkward, but funny.

    Thanks to OP and her egotistical boss for bringing back some funny memories for me.

    Reply ↓
    2. ZSD*

      Wait, it’s not clear to me if Mrs. S came up with this label or your mother did. Did Mrs. S. say, “Please tell your mother that the beautiful Mrs. S. is on the phone”? If so, how did she work into conversation that you would be going somewhere with “The beautiful Mrs. S.”?

      Reply ↓
      1. Juicebox Hero*

        Mrs S came up with the label herself. “Please tell your mother that the beautiful Mrs. S. is on the phone” is pretty much what she’d say to the letter. My mother ran with it and always referred to her as THE BEAUTIFUL Mrs S. It got to be a running joke in our family. My siblings and I still refer to her that way to this day.

        And when I met her ages later, once she figured out who I was (20-ish years had passed), she thought it was hilarous that I rememberd.

        Reply ↓
    3. Might Be Spam*

      When my kids were young they would tilt their heads with clasped hands under their chins and look cute, and compliment me to get more cookies. Mommy is so beautiful, nice, etc. They didn’t get the cookies unless they called me tall. Alas, it didn’t last long because I am still the shortest adult they know. I am so short, that I would get invited over to celebrate when someone’s kids were finally taller than their first adult. (Always me!)

      Reply ↓
      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        One of the first online friends I met in person looked at me and said “You’re taller online.”

        Reply ↓
  22. Chrysoprase*

    Alison, I really appreciate the “is this really what I would do in real life” test – it is SO easy to give the “correct” advice, which often ends up being like one of those physics problems which take place in an imaginary universe with no friction and perfectly spherical cows or whatever.

    LW, to continue along the “how does stuff like this actually go down in real life” road, one thing I’d advise is to strongly resist the urge to laugh about this behind your boss’s back with any other coworkers. It would be so natural to do that if you realised another person was seeing how weird things have become, but it could so easily turn a weird situation into an awful one if it got back to her. That might not be something you would do, just mentioning it because it’s something I would probably be very tempted to do myself!

    Reply ↓
    1. Sloanicota*

      I think if it were real life, one thing I might do is check in with a few of the gushers who might be feeling obliged and ask if they want to collectively back off a bit. “I’ve noticed we’ve collectively developed this routine and I don’t feel great about it, what do you think?” (I would say we even if I don’t do it lol). Maybe you can’t nip it all in the bud entirely but you could probably get together and collectively break the fawning over time!

      Reply ↓
      1. Observer*

        I think if it were real life, one thing I might do is check in with a few of the gushers who might be feeling obliged and ask if they want to collectively back off a bit.

        I think you have a valid point here. But also, that’s different that laughing about it with staff behind the boss’ back.

        Reply ↓
    2. And thanks for the coffee*

      This whole thread has been fun to read, but now I’m imagining what a spherical cow would look like-and a cartoon image is working itself into my brain. Thank you for this.

      Reply ↓
    3. Anon Office Drone*

      This is a great point. I could see the temptation and inevitable mess that would result from that natural urge. Best keep it to laughing with yourself and AAM readers.

      Reply ↓
      1. OP*

        I would never bring it up with my coworkers!! Can’t think of any way to mention it that doesn’t sound critical of our boss who is otherwise fine and supportive.

        Reply ↓
  23. Last tiger of Tasmania*

    This is nuts and it surely cannot be the only “quirk” this boss has… I would be running for the hills!

    Reply ↓
    1. T2*

      I wonder how the boss would handle someone like me who has partial face blindness. I mean, I can recognize people to an extent generally by shape. But I can’t tell the difference between differences in appearance.

      Reply ↓
  24. JP*

    It’s not just the boss who is weird, what is with these coworkers? What a weird bandwagon to be jumping on. I can’t imagine ever coming up with more than a reluctant “you look nice” to a coworker in very limited circumstances. Let alone my boss.

    Reply ↓
    1. MsM*

      If “The Emperor’s New Clothes” teaches us anything, it’s that it doesn’t take a lot to get people gushing over dubious appearance-related matters.

      That said, I do wonder how much of the participation is sincere and how many people have side bets going on how long before it gets too ridiculous to sustain.

      Reply ↓
    2. weirdos are weird*

      I agree…it doesn’t sound to me like the boss is stoking this in any way other than by…looking in a mirror and re-applying makeup (which, let’s face it, is not exactly irregular–some women do this!) It’s way weirder to me that the coworkers have kept up and have continued to lemming-pile onto each other.

      Reply ↓
      1. OP*

        It’s not an in-joke in the team or anything like that! I do think people are joining in because they see others doing it and because the boss clearly appreciates it rather than genuinely thinking every day that she looks especially beautiful. But not in a cynical must-tick-off-5-compliments-this-week way, more just in a easy-way-to-keep-boss-happy way. And also when you are entrenched in the habit, it’s hard one day to stop doing it, sounds like you think she doesn’t look so great that day. But I do genuinely think the colleagues all like the boss.

        Reply ↓
        1. Kaiko*

          I keep coming back to the idea that this is just normalizing commenting on people’s bodies and appearances in the workplace, which is not a culture I personally would want to jump into. I wonder if a discreet chat with the boss saying “hey, this culture of compliments is really great, but maybe we can back off the physical comments so no one feels weird about commenting on the boss’s looks” might be effective. Or: if the culture really does love compliments, do a weekly email compliment chain: Sid did such a great job supporting clients this week, Nancy found some great icebreakers for our weekly all-hands, whatever. Other folks might appreciate a gassing up as well!

          Reply ↓
    3. Snow Globe*

      I’m wondering if the coworkers are doing it to curry favor, or if it’s just become a running joke to see how outlandish the compliments can get.

      Reply ↓
    4. Myrin*

      Yeah, even though OP explains it in more detail, I still don’t really get how this could’ve ever developed. I can see one or two people who just genuinely enjoy making others feel good, but a whole office of them? So of course they do it in the hopes of getting special treatment from the boss, but at what cost? It’s so weird and unnatural to behave like this, I’d have thought it’s a line that people would have a hard time crossing, but apparently not.

      Reply ↓
  25. dulcinea47*

    Gross. Super gross. Not only should the boss not be preening over these compliments, people shouldn’t be commenting on the bodies of their boss (or anyone else, for that matter.) I’m wondering if some of the employees are choosing to skip this lovefest and are actually horrified by it.

    Reply ↓
    1. Sharon*

      Yeah, I wonder if one of you could say something like “Hey, we all know X is a great boss, but could we stop the daily comments on people’s bodies? I’m worried it might make some people uncomfortable.”

      Reply ↓
  26. mango chiffon*

    This is so strange, like it’s one thing to compliment someone’s outfit (I like that skirt!) or specific aspect of their makeup (cool eyeshadow color!), but another thing to comment on someone’s physical looks/beauty. Like one you actually have some control over (to a certain degree) and one is just like the way your genetics made you look. It’s bizarre

    Reply ↓
    1. Artemesia*

      This. If I worked for a handsome boss, it would be beyond cringe to say ‘you are so handsome’ while I might compliment his haircut or tie occasionally. You are beautiful, daily is just weirdly inappropriate.

      Reply ↓
  28. Homeburger*

    This is hilarious and also makes me suddenly realize that my boss would be *exactly* like this! We tend to steer clear of this kind of talk other than the occasional “cute shoes” or “I like the new haircut”, but I can tell she’d love this type of compliment. (She looooves fancy gifts too. We had an org reshuffling that put different people on her team and we were finally able to tell her assistant to cut it out. Now we do a card and someone brings her flowers or a baked good.) Its gross, but I’m keeping this in my back pocket in case things ever go south and I need to butter her up lol!

    Reply ↓
    1. Pastor Petty Labelle*

      this is kinda in the same thing as fancy gifts for the boss. Your boss should not be expecting special treatment from the employees.

      Reply ↓
  29. Sloanicota*

    I feel like the part I’m missing here is – is the boss actually unusually beautiful? For some reason that kind of matters to me! I do have some beautiful friends that I notice frequently look amazing, but I don’t say it because that would seem kind of odd coming from me, their gal pal. But if I go a hint that they actually wanted to receive this thought, I might step it up. However, it would be genuine! It’s somehow much funnier to me if the boss is pretty average looking and people are just lying because of how strong her reaction is. But I guess it could still be somewhat genuine if her delight and joy is such a thing … maybe …

    Reply ↓
    1. Ellis Bell*

      I feel like the comments must be at least somewhat about beauty choices and style rather than inherent attributes, just because it’s too weird otherwise. I know OP has said they’re commenting on the boss’ beauty but even when people tell others they are beautiful, they are usually in mind of the Steel Magnolias quote about there being no such thing as natural beauty. There’s a way that people tie style choices to physical attributes that blur this distinction, like saying hair colour brings out your eyes, or that you have the kind of face that can pull off a bold lip. I just can’t imagine a scenario where they’re commenting purely on things the boss has zero choice in (How would that even go; a comment on the distance between her eyes?). Either way, I think if I were OP I think I’d categorise weird conversations about beauty as being a hugely niche interest, one you really can’t join in talking about unless you’re a part of it, and that it’s therefore not expected. Like, even if they’re complimenting her “radiant face” rather than “occasional compliments about something she was wearing”, I’d just pretend to myself they were swapping skin routine secrets just to keep myself from feeling too weirded out.

      Reply ↓
    2. OP*

      She looks good, perfectly normal, but at least in my eyes not specially beautiful.

      I think it is somewhat genuine- I don’t think anyone thinks she doesn’t look good! – but if it was really just an expression of true appreciation for a colleague’s appearance I would expect it not only to be said for the boss.

      Reply ↓
      1. KateM*

        Huh, I think I would feel this kind of “true appreciation for a colleague’s appearance” quite creepy (if I was the subject of this).

        Reply ↓
        1. Sloanicota*

          This reminds me of something I read somewhere – that complements and flattery are effective even when the person knows why you’re doing it!

          Reply ↓
    3. Niles "the Coyote" Crane*

      I would find it more uncomfortable somehow if she’s someone that most people would consider attractive.

      I’m not certain why. Maybe because it feels as if it really reinforces an ego thing on her part. Or because colleagues are more likely to be feeling rubbish if, say, they never get any compliments and hate how they look. This reinforces “yes, she’s more attractive than you all, objectively, and everyone agrees.”

      Reply ↓
  30. Ally McBeal*

    I wonder if this boss is the same one I worked for many years ago. She was self-obsessed to a concerning degree, and loved being fawned over (one of the first things she told us on her first day was that her birthday was her favorite holiday). OP, I hope she is at least competent at her job. I’m sure you can find a few ways to massage her ego in order to achieve work goals without being obsequious.

    Reply ↓
  31. Christmas Carol*

    To quote the late great Carrie Fischer, aka Princess/General Leia:

    “Youth and beauty are not accomplishments, they’re the temporary happy by-products of time and/or DNA. Don’t hold your breath for either”

    Reply ↓
    2. Chauncy Gardener*

      Amen to that!
      The women I know who have had the absolute worst time aging were the ones who only had their looks going for them. They had terrific, messy midlife crises. I mean, the reality is, no matter how gorgeous you were when you were young (unless you’re Cheryl Tiggs et al) at some point you just look good for your age and that’s just how it is.

      Reply ↓
  32. A. Lab Rabbit*

    The thought of her coming into the office and everyone turning to look at her puts me in mind of the “when my fajitas come out” meme. It really has that kind of energy.

    Reply ↓
  33. Ghostess*

    Dear lord this is my nightmare. As someone who hates to be perceived, I would bring a shovel to work and immediately start digging a hole to hide in if people commented on my looks in any way (let alone first thing in the morning)

    Reply ↓
  34. RIP Pillowfort*

    So I’m thinking about this- are you in an office where this is going to be visible to other groups? Like if your boss is one of many offices under a larger company?

    Because if so I think you’d be able to frame it as a “this looks really bad” conversation. No focus on whether the comments are deserved or whether there’s any actual harm, but more about having a culture where commenting on appearance will undermine the work efforts. How will you be taken seriously if you have people coming up to you first thing in the morning to complement your physical appearance?

    Reply ↓
  35. Io, who knows of what she speaks*

    “My lady, deadly rumors abound. Mortals sing your praises, and their music has reached the slopes of Olympus, where the gods dwell. Hera is jealous, and you have offended Aphrodite. Athena has not yet spoken, but her distant gaze has turned to you.

    “I beg you, silence your mortal admirers; else I fear disaster will befall us all.”

    Reply ↓
    1. MsM*

      I am so glad there’s no one in the office today; I think I just laughed loud enough for all the other floors to hear.

      Reply ↓
    2. Elle*

      Very much agree that Vain Boss’ chorus of admirers will cause the gods to smite her for her hubris. This situation is ripe af for smiting.

      Reply ↓
  36. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

    Are these otherwise normal, serious adults doing normal, serious, adult work stuff? Or is your office staffed by Ruby Rhod’s assistants from The Fifth Element?

    Reply ↓
  37. Butterfly Counter*

    When I was a college student, I was a great student, but shy. I spoke up in class on the subject, but didn’t really buddy up to the professors. I thought they looked like suck ups and brown-nosers.

    Then I became a professor. I suspected that, from this new perspective, that I would hate suck ups and brown-nosers.

    Nope.

    I kind of love them. I 100% know what they’re doing and I don’t treat or grade any students differently based on this behavior. And I know 99% of gushing, positive, personal feedback from them is exaggerated to gain favor. But it’s still nice to hear every once and a while.

    Reply ↓
    1. Madame Desmortes*

      Eh. I find it incredibly insincere and manipulative in nine out of ten cases. (The tenth is a treasure.) Worse still when it’s obviously chatbot-generated; that’s just insulting.

      I don’t hesitate to tell them when they have obvious tells, e.g. “your class is so important to my future career!” with zero indication what their career plans even are. If they skulk away because of this — and I think some do — I didn’t really want them in my class anyway.

      Reply ↓
      1. Butterfly Counter*

        I’m referring to in-person compliments, so I hope they aren’t chat generated! (And only about my teaching, most students would understand how weird it would be for any of us to compliment each others’ faces and body.)

        My favorite comment from last semester:

        “I don’t care what other students say; I think you’re a great professor!”

        It fed me for DAYS.

        Reply ↓
    2. bananners*

      I love you for admitting this. Likewise, my parents have purchased all their cars from one particular salesman over the last 25 years. He sends them birthday cards and their car anniversary cards. He always sounds excited to talk to them when he calls, and he remembers little things about them. They know what he’s doing. They just like it.

      Reply ↓
      1. Silver Robin*

        cannot fault them for appreciating a person for being good at their job; just so happens that the job is “be friendly, warm, and make folks feel special”

        Reply ↓
        1. UKDancer*

          Absolutely, there are 2 Italian restaurants near my flat. They both do decent but not exceptional calzone. I go to the one run by a very cute guy with a pretty accent who flatters my looks. I know he does it professionally but I’d rather get pizza with a compliment than without.

          Reply ↓
    3. Homeburger*

      My kid just started doing fieldwork in a classroom for her education degree and said that when a middle schooler compliments their shoes its the greatest feeling lol! But also that middle schoolers can bring you right back to being an insecure 12 year old with a single word or even look!

      Reply ↓
      1. Silver Robin*

        a little toddler with space buns once complimented my leather strap platform shoes (“Daddy her shoes are so cool!”) and I was on cloud nine for the rest of the day

        Reply ↓
      2. Dark Macadamia*

        I think it’s hilarious when they do blatantly fake compliments “omg your hair is soooo pretty today can we have class outside” but yeah, when they really mean it you feel awesome because it’s so rare!

        Reply ↓
      3. Esmae*

        There’s no feeling quite like walking into a kindergarten classroom and being greeted with “Hi! You’re pretty!”

        Reply ↓
        1. Elsa*

          Oh, when I taught teenagers being told “That was a great class!” would make me smile, but being told “I like your shoes/ dress/ hair” would really make my day.

          I think it was because I know that I’m not especially beautiful or stylish, so if they said those things I assumed what they really meant was: “I like you.”

          Reply ↓
  39. Pay no attention...*

    So would it help to privately talk to the staff instead?

    “It’s really odd and uncomfortable how much you are all focusing on Boss’ appearance. All of these comments on her body could definitely be misconstrued.”

    Reply ↓
  40. HonorBox*

    LW, while you could very easily let this go because no one is getting favorable treatment, I think you also are in position to say something. If you’re a deputy, your job requires that you point out to your boss when something is off. That might be as simple as a couple of slides being out of order in a PPT, or you disagree with her assessment of a situation that could negatively impact the business. And you’re in a position where you should trust that she has respect for your opinion and treats you respectfully when you share it.

    Go to her and say something like this: “I’ve noticed everyone gathering to pay you compliments every day. I don’t disagree with the substance of the compliments. But I worry that people might be saying things because they feel like they must. If someone new joined the team, would they feel like they had to join in because they’re obligated? Can you suggest the daily gathering needs to end and rather bask in the organic compliments you might get throughout the day?”

    Reply ↓
    2. Heavy-handed*

      Ooof. I think that comes across a bit lecturing. It’s not on OP to suggest to their boss how she should hande this situation.

      Reply ↓
      1. Niles "the Coyote" Crane*

        What about refraining these as questions?

        ‘Are you sure people don’t feel pressured to contribute? Do you think there’s a chance a new person would be really alienated? Have you ever told people the compliments aren’t necessary? What do they say when you give them compliments… because you give them compliments too right?”

        Reply ↓
  41. Ms. Eleanous*

    Has no one complimented her on her “otherwise good boss” skills?

    I would be saying stuff like “not that how you look is the only thing we appreciate about you; we really/ also/ mainly appreciate what a great/ fabulous boss you are, (or give a specific strong point as an example).”

    I have several gorgeous acquaintances who value compliments that involve being more than just another pretty face.
    Also, it’s a bit of a reality check, or staying on topic.

    Reply ↓
  43. Mynona*

    But seriously: the boss’s reaction means OP can’t say anything to reign in the behavior. If the boss is that clueless about the flattery, she will likely interpret any comment as a criticism.

    Reply ↓
    2. Aggretsuko*

      Yeah, there’s no way in hell I’d push back on the compliment-fest and make the office atmosphere more evil queen-like.

      Reply ↓
  44. Elle*

    This is so confounding to me. I can barely handle a compliment even on something appropriate (shoes or nails or whatever) when it comes from someone to whom I’m senior. It makes me very shy. If I were in Vain Boss’s shoes, I would simply pass away.

    Reply ↓
    1. Chauncy Gardener*

      I get the major squicks when someone to whom I’m senior complements me. It just feels very wrong.

      Reply ↓
  45. E*

    I worked with someone like this. She was the boss’s wife and the office manager. She needed confirmation from everyone that she looked good and would get sad if we didn’t notice new clothes, hair, etc. She also didn’t understand why the rest of us didn’t update our wardrobes with new designer apparel each season. She was a nice person but very needy, I didn’t work there long.

    Reply ↓
  46. Wellie*

    I had an admin like this. She required buttering up and particularly liked compliments on her weight loss. She especially loved when men flirted with her (she was married, but flirting is validating form of interaction).
    The thing is, people are not stupid. They can see that a particular interaction style builds a better relationship, and they do it. Multiple people knew how much bullshit it was to butter up the admin, and they did it anyway bc building the relationship with her was a desirable outcome.
    I don’t think you will get anywhere trying to stop this. There is no way to tell your boss that ass kissing in the form of compliments is an inappropriate way to build relationships. Your coworkers probably already know and do it bc a good relationship with the boss is worth having. I think your only option is to do as my former boss did—interact with your boss in a polite, respectful, and professional manner and build a relationship the normal way.

    Reply ↓
  48. BlueSwimmer*

    I worked for someone thirsty for compliments like this. She started out cute but normal, and then re-made herself into a gorgeous knockout through facial and body surgery, hair extension, and a style makeover. People didn’t compliment her so much as she constantly talked to the staff about how great she looked. Example: She told a small group of us that she had gotten out of the shower that morning and told her husband “You’re welcome for all of this!” while gesturing up and down her body.

    She also gave everyone on the staff a glamour photo of herself to hang up at our desks! And went around asking people where her photo was if they didn’t hang it up prominently! It was beyond weird.

    Reply ↓
  50. The Other Evil HR Lady*

    A thought occurs to me: are we sure that your coworkers aren’t doing this out of malice, to see how she fawns over herself even though she’s average-looking or even less-than-conventionally-attractive? I’m just imagining a “Mean Girls” kind of scenario. I was bullied by mean girls during high school, so my thoughts always veer towards “what would a mean person do?”. Are they complimenting her, then talking about her behind her back?

    As her deputy, you might not have the answers. I’m just sending this thought out, just in case. You say she’s an otherwise good boss/person, so I’ll take you at your word and say that she wouldn’t deserve this kind of micro-bullying – or having fun at her expense.

    Reply ↓
  51. Benihana scene stealer*

    As someone who presents as very handsome in a traditional sense, I understand and sympathize with the boss. I’m also an otherwise great person and boss. Of course it helps to counter all these wonderful characteristics with humility

    Reply ↓
    2. Angstrom*

      Oh Lord, it’s hard to be humble
      When you’re perfect in every way
      Can’t wait to look in the mirror
      Cause’ I get better looking each day
      To know me is to love me
      I must be a hell of a man
      Oh Lord, it’s hard to be humble
      But we’re doing the best that we can

      – Mac Davis

      Reply ↓
  52. Angie S.*

    I used to have a female coworker who would make comments my apparence every time I would wear a skirt or a dress to work. We worked in a team that only me and her were women. I wasn’t not sure if she wanted to engage some “women talk” with me. I just found the whole situation weired, especially we worked in a male dominated industry, and I don’t hear other coworkers talking to each other like that.

    I like Alison’s question, “Is this what you really want to do in real life.”

    Reply ↓
    1. Dark Macadamia*

      ….I have never once listened to that song and thought about who actually killed the deputy lol

      Reply ↓
  54. Aphra*

    When I encountered a similar situation where another manager’s team would but her expensive gifts for no particular reason and loudly praise her style and elegance, it turned out that the team were in fact playing a spiteful game at her expense. The gifts were actually re-gifted, unwanted wedding or birthday gifts and the team had a standing bet on who could give her the most sick-making compliments each week. They were a horrible group and when the manager was off for bereavement, lined up to find complaints about her with the big boss, following which she was forced out. I inherited half her awful team but quickly shut down their attempts at trying the same games on me, thankfully supported by my own, terrific team members. As funny as the OP seems, I hope there isn’t the same nastiness behind the compliments as I saw aimed at my hapless (and, it must be said, credulous) colleague.

    Reply ↓
  55. Employed Minion*

    Imagine a new employee starting in the office with this happening daily. I would be gobsmacked as the newbie!

    Reply ↓
    1. anononon*

      I would be really worried, tbh. I’m not conventionally attractive and I’ve been in plenty of situations where that was held against me as if it was a character flaw or evidence of a lack of competence. People have said some really shockingly rude things to me. I don’t think my current workplace values appearance all that much, thankfully, but I do dress up a little more than most of my colleagues because I know I’m more likely to be perceived as a slob for things about my appearance that are beyond my control. If the boss was constantly being praised for being beautiful and I had no context to know this wasn’t typical, I wouldn’t just think “oh that’s weird,” I would be actively worried about perception of my performance and worth.

      Reply ↓
      1. Niles "the Coyote" Crane*

        Absolutely. I really think it is likely to be sending a message to all the people who aren’t being complimented for their looks every day.

        Reply ↓
  56. CzechMate*

    Does anyone else find themselves wondering what the boss looks like in real life?

    I had a coworker once who was spectacularly gorgeous (she looked like a real-life Barbie doll) and while people didn’t fall all over themselves to say she was beautiful, she definitely received favored treatment, was extremely self-absorbed, and didn’t seem to realize that other people weren’t treated the same way. (I always laugh to myself about this time at a work lunch when someone mentioned they’d been to Ireland and she said, “Everyone in Ireland is SO nice! At EVERY pub I went to, people would just OFFER me drinks!”) This unfortunately DID bleed into her work, because she seemed to believe some of the rules we plebeians had to follow didn’t apply to her. In hindsight, her boss (also a woman) should have sat her down and had a conversation about professionalism.

    Is there anyone above the boss in this scenario who can coach her on this? Even if it’s along the lines of, “You need to be aware of the fact that your subordinates should not feel pressured to compliment their boss–even if the compliments are genuine and based on reality. This is a professional workplace where we want our managers to stand out for their intelligence, skills, and abilities; please be aware of whether you unwittingly have made your subordinates feel they must be over-effusive in their praise in order to move ahead. That’s not how this organization operates.” or something.

    Reply ↓
  57. Jay*

    I had a manager like this once. She would end every meeting with our team by saying, “Any questions? Comments? Compliments?” To which my co-worker would immediately chime in with a compliment, “I like your earrings!” or “Your hair looks great!” I never felt comfortable bringing up any questions or concerns, or even compliments. I just kept quiet, and that seemed to be this managers preference if we had no compliments to offer her.

    Reply ↓
  59. Zona the Great*

    Oh this reminds me of a client I had who hired me to clean her newly purchased, but old, home. At the same time, she hired contractors to start the reno of some areas. She showed up to the work site every day in calf high boots, tight pants, cleavage, and makeup. She was from the east coast and we were in the intermountain west in a dusty old cowboy town. I came everyday in a gross bandana on my head and work clothes. And without fail, some contractor would swoon over me in my grossness (isn’t that always how it goes?) and totally ignored her. You could tell it was confusing for her and she’d look me up and down as if to say, “HER!?”

    So my suggestion to the OP is to find ways to hyper-compliment someone near boss every day and watch the show.

    Reply ↓
  60. the Viking Diva*

    Honestly the best person to say something is the boss herself. I wonder if the OP could approach her to do this by making it about how others feel, and by pretending the compliments are about “people” in the unit not the boss specifically, e.g.

    “I’ve noticed we’ve fallen into a pattern of commenting on people’s appearance at work. I know you personally always like to look your best at work, but I am concerned that others in our unit will feel like they are being judged by their appearance (or – will feel they have to spend time and money on their appearance), when how we look is not really essential to the quality and efficiency of our work. We have such a great team, I would hate to have anyone feel their work itself is undervalued. I wonder if you could help me redirect those conversations when they happen?”

    I did something like this with the director of a music group, where musicians had gotten into the habit of praising her leadership at our retreats or parties. I said I was uncomfortable with how these comments focused on “individual talents” rather than “the collective strength of the ensemble,” and she did ask people to cool it, which worked. (In this case she was self-aware enough to have noticed the pattern too).

    Reply ↓
    1. Warts and all*

      This! The “let’s not talk about people’s bodies/appearances” reasoning might be a good tactic.

      Reply ↓
  61. Caz*

    “Radiant” took me out.
    I will comment on a colleague’s especially nice hairstyle, or pretty new nail colour, I got a new haircut at the weekend so frankly I’m hoping for a passing comment on that when we’re all in the office tomorrow, but other than that…I would be so uncomfortable with this, no matter which side of it I was on.

    Reply ↓
  62. RLC*

    I once had a cat who got very, very excited when told he was beautiful. When we went to the veterinary hospital he was greeted with “oooooh, it’s the beautiful one” as the staff swooned over him. He pranced delightedly over their counter and desks, seemingly completely understanding their words.
    That’s all I can think of, the boss is like that cat.

    Reply ↓
  63. RagingADHD*

    One of the extremely weird aspects of this is the fact that the dynamic developed at all. I know LW said they don’t see any favoritism, but why is everyone so intent on sucking up to the boss that they are jumping on any opportunity like this?

    It is not at all a universal assumption that professional adults will act like sycophants without any incentive to do so. An office culture based on sucking up is not healthy.

    It may not be overt favoritism, but there’s something cultural contributing to this, and it ain’t good.

    Reply ↓
  65. Office Plant Queen*

    This might be something to gently shut down if the team is largely entry level or regularly has interns. Because you don’t really want people to take this forward into future jobs! It’s pretty odd, and giving these kinds of personal comments to a boss or other colleagues in the future could go over very poorly. Especially because gender dynamics do come into play. Women complimenting other women like this? A bit odd at work and could feel undermining, but generally perceived as being supportive. Men complimenting women or women complimenting men? Seen as flirtation unless the man is very obviously gay

    Reply ↓
  66. AstyanaxFell*

    I don’t know, I tell my boss she’s gorgeous every morning. Usually she responds by letting me scratch behind her ears, but sometimes she bites me.

    Reply ↓
  68. Charley*

    Could it help to frame it as ‘I worry about the homely people in the office who might feel self-conscious’?

    Reply ↓
  69. Niles "the Coyote" Crane*

    I could imagine this having a lot of negative consequences that ripple out.

    Do any of your colleagues have a massive complex about their looks? Or even just general insecurities? Because everyone gathering round to highlight how attractive one person only is seems like it could really reinforce that.

    Do people know she isn’t showing favouritism? Are people concerned about that?

    What’s the gender and sexual orientation breakdown of the time? Could anyone be accused of sexual harassment? Could anyone be worried about that? Could it be setting a precedent about commenting on people’s looks in ways that open a whole other issue?

    None of this makes it something to bring up for all the reasons Alison says but I do think it matters.

    I am trying to think through whether I’d say anything. It depends so much on who my boss was but I could imagine saying a soft version of Alison’s script above.

    Reply ↓
  70. Rockette J Squirrel*

    I read this to my husband, and his response was:
    “Wouldn’t it be great if, when she walked into the office in the mornings, everyone would stand and applaud? Or better yet, every time she entered the room?”

    Reply ↓
  71. Morgan*

    This made me think of my mom asking me every day when I came home from work if anybody told me I looked pretty.
    I’m an engineer.
    Thankfully nobody did.
    (And yes I look a lot like my mom. Take from that what you will.)

    Reply ↓
  72. Benihana scene stealer*

    One of the best qualities in boss or an employee is honesty. It’s also been said by a famous poet that beauty is truth and truth is beauty. To me it just reads as the boss trying to foster an honest work environment

    Reply ↓
  73. Sigh.*

    This has big Maya-Rudolph-in-Big-Mouth energy (“Why do you smell so good?” “Because I don’t wear deodorant and I only take bubble baths”)

    Reply ↓

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