my coworker makes absolutely everything about herself

by Alison Green on April 15, 2025

A reader writes:

I work in a department of nine people. We all get along well, but I’m struggling with how to handle my frustrations with my colleague, Margo. Margo is possibly the most well-intentioned person I’ve ever met, but she has the infuriating habit of bringing every conversation back to herself to explain how she understands or has been through the same thing.

This week, the transmission in my car died. When I was lamenting to the group that I was now facing the financial hardship of either repairing it or buying a new car, Margo told me, “I get it. I just had to buy brand new tires for my car.”

A month ago, a colleague’s father passed away and Margo told her, “I’m sorry. I know just how you feel. My dad had Covid last year.” He had a mild case and recovered quickly.

When a colleague was dealing with pain related to her cancer treatments, Margo expressed her concern and then shared that she totally got it because she has foot problems.

The parents in the group try not to talk too much about our children because not everyone in the department is a parent, but when the subject comes up, Margo knows exactly what we’re going through because she has a nephew … who lives on the other side of the country.

Margo truly doesn’t mean harm with these statements but the way she minimizes others’ ordeals by comparing them to her own is frustrating. Is there a way to politely let her know that simply saying she’s sorry is preferable to bringing everything back to herself?

I would love to know whether Margo is trying to one-up people — or at least equate her struggles to their own — or whether she’s truly trying to empathize and just doing a terrible job of it.

Either way, this is the kind of feedback a manager is best positioned to address.

That doesn’t mean you can’t try it yourself, but as not her manager you might be better off just addressing it in the moment when it’s particularly egregious. If she compares a stubbed toe to a coworker having cancer treatments, there’s no reason you can’t say, “I don’t think those are really comparable.”

Also, if you have a pretty good rapport with her, you might be able to take her aside privately and say something like, “I know you didn’t mean it this way, but it sounded like you were comparing your stubbed toe to Jane’s cancer, and a couple of days ago you compared a parent with a mild case of Covid to Falcon’s parent who died. I know you didn’t mean to minimize either situation, but I don’t think those comments are landing the way you intended. I wanted to mention it since I know you’d never want to hurt someone’s feelings.”

Will it work? Maybe, maybe not. If you say the above and nothing changes, you probably just need to decide that this is what Margo does and internally roll your eyes when it happens (or hell, bluntly reply “not the same thing!” when you’re inspired to). But it’s worth a shot, and if she’s really as well-intentioned as you say, she might be grateful for the heads-up.

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{ 228 comments }

{ 228 comments… read them below or add one }

  2. asloan*

    Personally, I think you have the best chance of addressing this when she does it *to you* because then you can use I-language and be straightforward … it’s always harder when you’re dancing around trying to say how other people feel or that “everyone” thinks X or Y.

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    1. Not That Jane*

      You can still use “I” language when she does it to someone else, because that still has an impact on you. “I’m upset on Falcon’s behalf that you compared a mild case of Covid to their dad’s death.”

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      2. Ann O'Nemity*

        Eh, I think you can use “that’s not really comparable” in the moment if you hear Margo doing this to someone else, especially if it’s especially egregious. But I agree with asloan that it will work best when Margo does it to you.

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      3. Saturday*

        But you definitely can’t do that in the moment because then it would really make Falcon’s loss about you, which is the problem you’re trying to prevent. If it’s something that involves you directly, there’s much more room to speak up immediately.

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        1. Lenora Rose*

          Yes, the “I’m upset” language lands wrong in that scenario, in a way the “That’s not comparable” doesn’t. Even the latter has a risk of pulling the attention away from Falcon, if the discussion devolves into Margo’s hurt feelings instead, but that’s more easily controlled.

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      4. Dido*

        No you cannot, it is not your place to be upset when a coworker’s dad dies. personally I would not try to hide my shock and would say “are you really trying to compare a mild illness to the death of a parent?”

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    3. Observer*

      it’s always harder when you’re dancing around trying to say how other people feel or that “everyone” thinks X or Y.

      Except that that’s not necessary. When someone says “I understand about losing your father because my father had covid last year”, it’s perfectly fine to gasp and say “Did you just really compare a short illness to someone dying!? Or if you really need to keep it cool, “I really do *not* think that these are remotely comparable” works just fine.

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      1. Healthcare Manager*

        An approach like that, shaming the individual for what they said, works really well when they’re being racist, or homophobic. But when it’s someone who’s trying to do the right thing but failing it’s kinder to assume ignorance over mal-intent.

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        1. Lenora Rose*

          That depends on how badly they’re failing. I do think comparing a light and recovered-from case of a sickness, even one as serious in its fallout as Covid, to someone’s death is worth calling out however well intended the person is, because there is no way that’s right.

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    4. Landry*

      I wasn’t super clear from the letter if the behavior is bothering the rest of the office as much as LW. In any case, I agree it would only be appropriate for LW to address it when Margo makes a comment directly to them. It’s a slippery slope to start speaking for colleagues and saying you’re offended on their behalf when the colleague in question might be unbothered.

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  3. Productivity Pigeon*

    For some reason, I got the impression that Margo is someone a bit clueless who is trying to relate to other people but is doing it clumsily.

    But I can’t say why I think that. (Beyond that OP says she means well, I mean.)

    In a way, I would find it easier to address it if it was a selfish way of centering herself. It’s harder when it’s someone who’s trying to do the right thing but failing.

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    1. Jen*

      Yeah, the way to do this is “I hear you, A happened to me and the B that happened to you is way worse,” when A and B are similar but the A problem is like the B problems *scaled way down* in severity

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    2. Wayward Sun*

      I suspect she’s socially awkward and is trying to make a connection, not realizing that that isn’t what the situation calls for.

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      1. Productivity Pigeon*

        I agree. Maybe I’m just in a sensitive mood today but I suddenly felt very sorry for Margo, who’s trying but just not getting it quite right.

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        2. Putting the Dys in Dysfunction*

          Is there anyone on the team who has a good relationship with Margo and could gently coach her on how to be supportive without stealing the focus? They could talk about

          * What the person who started the conversation might be looking for, and why someone else talking about their issues interferes with that

          * Understanding why less traumatic experiences, even if in some ways related to the topic at hand, will be taken as minimizing the original topic

          * Modeling what supportive comments look like

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    3. Beyond the sea*

      Not to pull a Margo but…. (lol). I used to be like this and then read about (somewhere online) how annoying it was. I genuinely wasn’t trying to one up. I was just excited to relate to someone. I try really hard not to do it now, since its considered annoying. It truly was just me being socially awkward.

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      1. Productivity Pigeon*

        I totally believe you!

        And if she is truly a little clueless, it’s also difficult to expect her to change if no one tells her that she’s doing this thing wrong.

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      2. Wayward Sun*

        Same. I’ve gotten a lot more reluctant to talk in these situations and that’s probably a good thing.

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      3. Apostrophina*

        Count me as another one who struggles with the line between making it about me and trying to communicate that “I’m not just mouthing platitudes—here are my personal bona fides!”

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        1. Funko Pops Day*

          I feel like one easy way to do that is to explicitly return focus to them– “I’m so sorry to hear that your mom had a fall. How are you doing? My grandmother broke her hip and I remember how stressful it was to have to figure out a rehab facility for her on the spur of the moment. Is that something you’re dealing with right now?”

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          1. JB (not in Houston)*

            This is the way. It’s great when you try to empathize–I have certainly done this plenty of times–but it falls flat when the person in the situation now has to talk about *your* feelings or your situation. But your technique keeps the topic on the person talking about their current situation.

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        2. goddessoftransitory*

          I think this hits the mark. Margo is trying to convey “I really do feel for you and here’s why,” but it’s coming across “I totally get how terrible chemo is because of this hangnail.”

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        3. Prudence Snooter*

          Same! I’m feeling called out. I’m guessing this is an ADHD thing because, while I was diagnosed decades ago, I’m just now learning about how ADHD has basically shaped my entire life and personality.

          Oh look at me, making this about myself

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        4. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

          So I think the part about feeling the need to prove your bona fides *is* the part that makes it about you. The other person doesn’t want proof that you might have had a tangentially similar experience. They want your empathy. If you literally haven’t been in their situation, by definition this requires imagination. And if you can’t manage that, platitudes are better.

          “I’ve never lost anyone, I can only imagine how hard that is” or “I was scared when my dad had Covid last year, this must be so hard” would be true and empathetic. The part about not experiencing what they are experiencing is relevant.

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      4. Reading Rainbow*

        Same. I was just trying to express empathy! Since the LW says she’s generally a very well-intentioned person, I suspect it’s something along those lines. I think it’s one of those things where people get uncomfortable with not knowing how to help when someone is telling them about something bad, so they try to grasp for any way they can express that they are united with them.

        I think it sucks that people read this as being inherently self centered, condescending, competitive or one-upping, etc. I know some people do it for that reason, but as a reformed Always Trying To Relate type I notice other people doing it and it’s almost never from a crappy place. I wish we could interpret each others’ motives with a little more generosity.

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        1. JB (not in Houston)*

          I have done this plenty of times in an attempt to relate, but if doing it pulls the conversation to focus on me rather than the person I’m trying to relate to, then it really is kind of self-centered. I think the key is to do something like what Funko Pops Day suggested–mention your experience but then turn the conversation back to the other person.

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          1. Reading Rainbow*

            Yeah I just disagree with that, like, fundamentally. I specifically said there are some people who do this nefariously, but that’s just not the norm. It seems like you’re connecting the outcome to the motivation: It put some focus on that person, therefore that was their intent, they wanted to snatch attention away from the other person. I just don’t think that’s a thing very many people do!

            This is what I mean about interpreting each other with more generosity. Most people are not trying to play weird games in conversations with others, they are just interacting as human beings and sometimes they are going to take the wrong approach. Of course there are better, more actually helpful approaches– that doesn’t mean that the faulty ones some people try are born of character flaws.

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            1. Productivity Pigeon*

              I’m on your side in this.

              I’ve found that most people react well to feedback if they’re treated like a responsible adult who means well.

              I studied at a weird hybrid of a military academy and civilian university where about half of the students were former military and the rest ordinary college students. The teachers tended to assume everyone knew a lot of technical stuff.

              We were doing an exercise where you needed to know that the range of a certain type of missile was xxx miles even though it said it was xyz miles on Wikipedia.
              The teacher got a little snippy when one of the 20-year old civilian girls admitted she didn’t know, and she felt very hurt, and a lot of others felt uncomfortable.

              I’m in my thirties, so I simply went up to the teacher during the break and told him that very neutrally that he didn’t mean it and probably didn’t even realize it, but that he came off harshly and made a lot of students uncomfortable.

              He immediately realized his mistake, was extremely grateful and apologized to the class.
              Everyone left the classroom satisfied and all it took was a 30 second conversation, and the assumption that he wasn’t trying to be condescending, he was just thoughtless.

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            2. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

              You disagree that talking about your own experience is talking about yourself? Like, that is factually what you are doing. Intent is not the only thing that matters. You can do something selfish accidentally and without being nefarious. It’s still selfish. And approaching it as “well, if you didn’t understand my intent, that’s on you” says you aren’t actually trying to be empathetic.

              Frankly, if you haven’t experienced a traumatic loss or extreme financial stress, then you can’t begin to imagine how little “generosity” that person can give. In fact, you, person speaking to the suffering one, need to be the generous one. So if you find that your words didn’t come across like you intended, *you* should be the one to try again, instead of expecting them to. But that would depend on whether you really were trying to be empathetic.

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      5. PokemonGoToThePolls*

        Same here!

        Now I’m just “Oh wow, that sucks/is great/other appropriate mouth noises” It feels wrong, like you’re not actually engaging, but the internet tells me that’s what many people actually prefer so so be it.

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        1. MigraineMonth*

          I think that in general telling someone else “I know how you feel” doesn’t land well. Even if you’ve gone through the same events, you don’t actually know how the person experienced them or what they’re feeling right now. Claiming you know how they’re feeling can make someone feel even more misunderstood, particularly if they have mixed or unspoken feelings. (This is true of “I know how you feel, my father died last year”, not just “I know how you feel, my father had a mild case of Covid last year.”)

          That’s why I think that compassion (i.e. “Oh wow, that sucks/is great/other appropriate mouth noises”) is generally best for these situations rather than empathy (i.e. “I feel/understand your pain”).

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    4. Whoopsie*

      Maybe because it’s a fairly common social misstep? When you think about it, a lot of conversations are parallel, where someone mentions something, you’ve got similarish experience and mention it, then you use that as a launch point to ask the other person more relevant questions. Where a lot of people stumble – and I’m saying this as an AuDHDer who’s had to learn social conventions – is to 1) know which of their experiences are relevant and 2) turn the conversation back to original.

      So someone who’s decent at this might say “yeah I just had to replace all four tires. Cars are so expensive and it’s worse when it’s an unexpected cost like your transmission. What do you think you’ll do?” Related experience – expression of sympathy – turn focus back.

      This is a really hard skill to learn, and some people – like Margo – are just a lot worse at it than others.

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      1. Socks*

        “Related experience – expression of sympathy – turn focus back”

        I will be stealing this formula, thank you

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        1. Whoopsie*

          Glad it helps! Once I realized what the formula was supposed to be, it actually got a lot easier to cut out the “related experience” part and skip straight to sympathy, and if I do find myself sharing something that might not help, how to quickly pivot the conversation back. It’s still a work in progress, but I think it’s working!

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        2. Ms. Afleet Alex*

          Me too! I’ve been guilty of something similar before and it took some therapy to realize I was really trying to connect but doing it poorly, so this formula is easy to remember.

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      2. Productivity Pigeon*

        True, it is common. I’ve got ADHD myself but while I struggle in some social situations, I don’t have this particular problem (most of the time! I definitely don’t always get it right.)

        I guess I also believe that most people mean well, most of the time.
        (I’m aware others might not feel this way, and that it’s easier as a privileged person to assume/encounter good intentions.)

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      3. A Significant Tree*

        I’m also pretty bad at it – good intentions, trying to relate and empathize, bad execution. I like the framework of “Related experience – expression of sympathy – turn focus back.” I used to get stuck in the first part without meaning to and wasn’t always deft enough to move to the next two, more important parts. I’m trying to train myself to skip relating (unless it’s truly the same level!) and make sure I do the parts that matter more.

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      4. RIP Pillowfort*

        Yeah as someone with ADHD- I had to learn the correct formula for expressing sympathy for a situation. It’s hard and when I was younger I used to lean heavily on relatability because for some reason that just made sense. Communal human experience!

        Realizing that I needed to just express sympathy or concern. Ex. “My dad died.” “Oh no, I’m so sorry to hear that. Are you doing okay?” And not think about all the minutia.

        It’s not I didn’t know the person wanted sympathy- just had a hard time figuring out the socially correct way to express it because my family is big on relating through experience (shocking) and having big emotions about issues (quelle suprise).

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      5. Statler von Waldorf*

        I agree strongly with all of this. Also, out of the three steps mentioned, turn focus back is the most important step by far.

        You’ll notice the heart of the issue and the title of the letter isn’t complaining about not relating experiences or not expressing sympathy well, it’s about Margo not turning the focus back and making it all about her.

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      6. kicking-k*

        Yeah, I’m also AuDHD and I’d _rather_ someone shared their experience than just saying “oh, that must be difficult for you”, which sounds empty and generic. Presumably Margo would, too, as she clearly doesn’t realise that this is landing in an unfortunate way… That said, I agree with you that it’s better to turn the focus back, and hopefully that would go some way towards removing the awkwardness.

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        1. Productivity Pigeon*

          I agree.
          Just saying ”I’m sorry to hear that.” And nothing more would feel a little dismissive/uninterested to me.

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        2. Nynaeve*

          I’m right there with you. I also typically don’t want anyone to turn the focus back on me. I want the people I’m sharing with to let me vent, share their experiences and typically help me brainstorm solutions or just leave me be. I greatly appreciate the people who respond with some version of “Are you asking for help or just venting?”

          If I started a conversation with something like the car trouble example in the letter, I want a Margo to step in, share their parallel experience and have everyone else there talk about their experiences, what they did, etc and I will just listen to the conversation and take whatever advice I can glean from the others standing around.

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      7. Just say non*

        It’s just that replacing tires is so far removed from replacing a transmission that it would really be better not to mention the personal experience at all. Ditto with dad’s mild COVID and parent’s death, parenting versus long-distance nephew, etc.

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      1. Productivity Pigeon*

        Please don’t feel too bad about it.

        Most of us are clueless at 15. And being awkward while meaning well is a whole lot better than the alternative.

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    6. Lacey*

      Yeah, I feel like I’ve known a version of Margo and they absolutely were just trying to connect with people and doing it terribly.

      And yeah, it’s harder to address, because you know they’re trying and it feels bad to tell them that their care is actually harmful.

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      1. Wayward Sun*

        There’s a similar, but related problem, where some people don’t understand that when you bring a life problem to them you usually want empathy, not an attempt to solve it.

        Reply ↓
        1. Productivity Pigeon*

          Learning to ask someone whether they want advice or just empathy/a listening ear was a game changer for me!

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    7. Tax Day*

      I was thinking exactly this. I don’t think she’s being intentionally insensitive — I think she’s trying to relate. Deborah Tannen wrote a great book about the different conversational styles of men and women, and she observes that this kind of “me too!” conversational approach is very common for women who are trying to express empathy.

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      1. Productivity Pigeon*

        Yeah, and if she’s well intentioned but clueless, you probably can’t expect her to realize what she’s doing wrong and correct it by herself.

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    8. JSPA*

      Sometimes people who catastrophize really feel as if they have lived through the “worst case” experiences that they’ve pictured, while going through more minor stuff. And a surprising number don’t notice that this isn’t something everyone does.

      If that’s what’s going on, it’s way outside what you can help her understand / process / control / come to terms with.

      (There are any number of scenarios where that’s true.)

      If a simple “can you not do that” doesn’t have any effect, I’d recite Shakespeare inside my head, as it’s a sort of parallel:

      “Cowards die many times before their deaths;
      The valiant never taste of death but once” …

      And be glad I don’t live inside her head.

      Reply ↓
      1. Productivity Pigeon*

        That’s an interesting point I’ve never considered.

        I was thinking more along the lines that some things are more emotionally charged than others and that it can be situation dependent.

        For someone with no savings and a lot of debt, needing new tires might indeed be the difference between making rent that month to not, and so be comparable to needing to buy a new car for someone with better personal finances but an outsider would have no way of knowing that.

        (Though that isn’t applicable to the dead parent/covid parent which is a pretty extreme case.)

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    9. goddessoftransitory*

      That’s definitely the vibe I got from the letter. Margo (from the examples) seems less like Planet Me and more trying to be empathetic, but her interpretation of that is “I experienced X, so this person gets why I understand their feelings about Y.”

      The main problem seems to be that no matter how well intentioned Margo is, her method of getting it across kind of mutes the person who should be the focus of attention.

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      1. Danish*

        Yes, as I have been reading other people’s comments I have been realizing that a lot of my issues with this (as another audhd haver) is that i THINK there is a really solid connection there, but it’s either a connection that is not as obvious as it seems to me at all, or that the things that make it relatable are not contained in the words I say.

        For example, the busted transmission vs flat tire could be something like,

        Internally: oh I remember, when i had a flat tire i couldnt immediately fix, how it absolutely disrupted my entire life to suddenly not have reliable transportation, and how nasty a huge unexpected expense can be!

        Externally: omg I know how you feel, I had a flat tire last month.

        I would be better served saying the internal part, probably!

        Reply ↓
  4. old name is in the shop*

    This strikes me as an awkward attempt to offer empathy and connection. It would be a kindness to let her know that it comes across differently, if you’re up for that conversation.

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    2. Seashell*

      Yeah, that’s what I thought too. If she was trying to one-up the person, she would probably exaggerate and go on about her own personal problems. If it’s a brief mention, it’s more likely to be her trying to empathize.

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      1. Ann O'Nemity*

        Not so much a one-up if Margo is sharing less serious examples. More of a one-down, if such a term existed.

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    3. Laser99*

      I agree the LW would be doing Margo a favor by mentioning it, but she has to be ready for Margo to become defensive.

      Reply ↓
  5. Wayward Sun*

    I’m told this is a really, really common thing for people who are autistic or otherwise neurodivergent. They try to relate by talking about something similar they experienced.

    I’m not on the spectrum but I have a similar tendency. I’ve learned to just say some platitude like “gosh, that’s awful” instead of launching into a story. It’s easy to forget that for most people this kind of conversation is just small talk, not an invitation to connect.

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    1. TobiShiro*

      This is exceptionally common for neurodivergent people! I am autistic and have ADHD and my attempts to empathize with coworkers turn out like this a lot. My attempts at relatability often seem like I’m making things all about me, but in reality, that’s the only way I know how to empathize with people–by relating it to something similar I’ve experienced.

      I’ve come to just say “oh no, that’s really sucky, I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?” which I find just as authentic as my attempts to relate, but much less selfish-seeming to my neurotypical coworkers who don’t understand the idiosyncrasies of autistic communication.

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      1. Wayward Sun*

        I’m told “is there anything I can do?” is a questionable one because it puts the burden on the other person to come up with something. If you think of something specific asking if they’d like you to do it is usually fine, though.

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        1. TobiShiro*

          Ah, never heard that before but that seems like a totally valid point! Perhaps I will remove that part and just stick with “that really sucks, I’m sorry to hear about that”.

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          1. Venus*

            It’s easy to change to “let me know if there is anything that I can do” and that should land better.

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            1. alldogsarepuppies*

              In my experience, when I was the person in possible need of help – that had the same issue. I either had to think of something they could do to make them feel like they were helping me, or not get the help. People saying that felt like they want to show empathy rather than actually being a help. People who said “would X be helpful” or “can I X” where appreciated. Your millage may vary person to person, but I see no difference in “is there anything I can do” and “let me know if there is anything I can do”

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              1. Fool's Gold*

                They are different, because “is there anything”… is an on-the-spot question about what you can think of -now- that they can do. Whereas “let me know if…” is a general open invitation to come to them at any point that you think of something that would be helpful.

                Sure they can improve it by phrasing it as, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help – I’m happy to X or Y, or whatever you might need”, but in the absence of that, “let me know” is a perfectly fine and very standard way to offer generalized willingness to help at any point in the future.

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          2. Funko Pops Day*

            I think it’s OK to ask ‘is there anything I can do’, but if there’s something specific you CAN offer to do, it’s even better if you can add that– “Is there anything I can do? I’d be happy to water your office plants if you’ll be away for the funeral/pull the numbers for the TPS report and put together the cover sheet if that would let you have a little breathing room right now/bring over dinner one night if that would be a help”

            When I was dealing with a sudden loss, having people offer anything specific made it easier to say “we’re good on casseroles but it would be great if you could keep an eye on my inbox for any paperwork about LlamaCon so that I don’t have to go into the office this week just in case the vendor sends it”, whereas just asking out of the blue “can you keep an eye out for the LlamaCon invoice” felt inappropriate.

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      2. AndersonDarling*

        You just made my day/year/life! My husband (ADHD) is constantly doing this when I’m venting about terrible things and I’ve been interpreting it as being selfish and wanting to move the focus to himself. I have NEVER considered that this is a method of relating.
        You have given me much to ponder. ;-D

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        1. nnn*

          I saw somewhere else someone said this is common with ADHD and can anyone explain why? To a non-ADHD person like myself it’s not clear why they’d be connected.

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          1. Productivity Pigeon*

            I also have ADHD and I’m honestly not entirely sure.

            Except maybe that we often speak without thinking and overshare and that sometimes mean we blurt out things that land wrong.

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          2. Wayward Sun*

            I’m not exactly sure but I think it’s related to how ADHD people are extremely prone to free association. Our brains tend to be a little hyperactive when it comes to “oh, this thing is like this other thing!” type connections.

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            1. Productivity Pigeon*

              Haha, omg, yes! Sometimes I just lose my thread of thinking and have to try and work out what I was thinking about and it can be a journey!

              Let’s say I’m reading a book about midwives. One of the midwives is called Sister Bernadette which makes me think about Saint Bernadette who saw her visions at Lourdes, which is in France and I’ve spent most of my visits at the French Riviera where there is a famous art museum in the mountains called Foundation Maeght where I once bought an art print and that is now in my basement and I should go down and get it and put on my bedroom wall…

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              1. Hannah Lee*

                Same! And it can be complicated when there’s a physical aspect of that chain of association .. like if you actually get up to go get the print and come across *other* things that kick off additional associations. So a hour later you’re standing on a step-stool replacing a light bulb in your bathroom, or coming up for air after a deep internet dive into the history of lithography and its use in 19th century advertising.
                And then you walk past the living room and see your book and a cold cup of tea exactly where you left them when your brains took you for a walk about.

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                1. Productivity Pigeon*

                  Absolutely!

                  I often have to retrace my steps to try to trigger the thought again!

            2. Lily Rowan*

              Oh man, I do not think I have ADHD but my brain can definitely go too far with free associating, and sometimes too much of that comes out of my mouth!

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              1. Cheesehead*

                My brain works like that…it just jumps from one thing to the next and the end result is nowhere near where things started. But one of the funniest things was once, decades ago, when I was driving somewhere with my (late) mother. I said something, don’t even know what it was. Then we both were silent for a few minutes, and when she next spoke, the next topic was waaaaayyy different than the previous thing that I’d just said. But the weird thing was that I totally knew how she got there, because my brain worked in the same way! I was cognizant enough to realize it at the time and we had a good laugh about it after I pointed out how random the subject change was but I still understood it.

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                1. Elizabeth West*

                  Aww, that’s a funny story re your mom. :)

                  Mine brain like this too, and most people say my conversation is hard to follow because I jump around so much. But it makes sense to me! Sometimes I’m changing back to an original subject on which I had more to say, or the conversation got sidetracked and I’m trying to return to it.

          3. Reading Rainbow*

            I don’t have any like scientific backing of this specific behavior (someone else might) as I did not realize until these comments that this is something we have in common. But ADHD (and its cousin OCD) rotate heavily around anxiety and impulse control. It’s sort of a misnomer to consider it a disorder primarily of attention span.

            For me with stuff like this the pattern was: Hear someone is having a hard time. Get nervous because how do I respond? How do I make sure they know I care and maybe reassure them or make them feel better? I can try to relate to them so they know that I understand and care. This is now coming out of my mouth without a lot of consideration for how it might sound because saying it will make me no longer feel nervous or worried about the situation.

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            1. Ms. Afleet Alex*

              Yes! Thank you for saying it like that! I’m so glad I’m not the only one who goes through that mental process. It’s actually a relief to hear that other people feel the same way.

              Reply ↓
            2. Slow Gin Lizz*

              It’s sort of a misnomer to consider it a disorder primarily of attention span.

              Absolutely a misnomer, not just “sort of” one. ADHD experts are always saying that, among other things, it’s a disorder of attention overall, not just of attention span specifically. Which is one reason it’s so often missed because hyperfocus is also one of the symptoms but your average person thinks, “Well, Slow Gin Lizz can’t possible have attention *deficit* issues, look at how well she focuses on her knitting when she really wants to!” But, see, SGL will *hyperfocus* on her knitting because it’s giving her a nice hit of dopamine in a way that other activities aren’t doing so she keeps knitting for hours and forgets to do things like eat dinner because she gets more dopamine from the knitting than from feeding herself. Sometimes SGL gets some real good dopamine from AAM commenting too.

              Ahem. Just sayin’. I knew a woman in college who was like Margo and she drove me nuts. Years later I learned that she, too, has ADHD and it explained a lot. Now, I don’t know if she still manages to turn every conversation towards herself because I haven’t seen her in about 20 years, but I hope she has a little more self-awareness about it now. (Do I also tend to turn the conversation towards myself? Yeah, probably, as evidenced by my AAM comments….)

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              1. Reading Rainbow*

                I actually almost said the name was fully a misnomer as described by people focusing on the ways in which children’s behavior was specifically affecting them, the real protagonists of reality, but I decided that was an unnecessary can of worms to open hahaha.

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          4. Sar*

            absolutely no idea but I am late-diagnosed ADHD and do this too. I also partake in “conversational overlapping” (i.e., interrupting), which mostly manifests as this totally cringe thing where I chime in and complete your sentence. In my head, this is to show that we are totally on the same wavelength! Sympatico! Same brain, wow! Kismet! We’re basically best friends!

            I mostly do not think I manifest rejection-sensitive dysphoria (RSD) but my brain does interpret questions as “please entertain me” rather than “I am engaging in socialized small talk” so I end up telling “funny stories” a lot. Combine this with “relating by telling a similar anecdote” and the interrupting and I’ve come to realize that my whole vibe definitely comes off as rude af to more people than I’d like.

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            1. kicking-k*

              I do all this too. I often come away from a social interaction thinking “oh no, I’m sure I talked too much”. I don’t seem to be able to control this much in the moment. It has been noticeably worse in jobs where I don’t actually interact very much with others, so instead of a lot of little interactions, there’s a lot of silence/lone working and occasional blurting.

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            2. Meaningful hats*

              This is my husband’s flavor of ADHD. It can drive me a little nuts sometimes, but thankfully his lack of RSD means I can bluntly tell him to stop interrupting me and he doesn’t get upset. I, on the other hand, have allll the RSD. It’s an interesting dynamic.

              Reply ↓
          5. anglerfish*

            adhd is a lot more complex than “hyperactive, doesn’t pay attention”.

            Sections of the frontal lobe (portion of brain generally thought responsible for decision-making and “personality”), motor cortex, and language centers are all wired differently; the adhd brain is generally thought of as able to make connections and identify patterns very rapidly but at the expense of grasping fine details. (and each person with adhd will be different, this is a broad brush defined by the sorts of people who participate in studies & surveys in the first place.)

            In my personal experience, adhd also leads to some ostracization by peers early on in development, whether it’s because the child is called a trouble-maker by adults (and thus other children are warned to stay away) or whether it’s other children just not clicking with the adhd child. So they start to fall behind socially, no one is telling them what they’re doing wrong in a way that a child can understand, which just compounds itself over time.

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          6. Insulindian Phasmid*

            As an autistic person, I don’t see how they AREN’T connected. If you tell me that A happened to you, and I say “That sucks, A1 happened to me,” it’s only because A and A1 seem to be similar things.

            So I wouldn’t go so far as “My dad had mild covid” in response to “my dad died”, but I could see myself saying “Oh gosh, I remember how scared I was when my dad was sick” as an (apparently poor) expression of “I have some sense of how you must be feeling even if it’s not exactly the same”

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            2. Insert Pun Here*

              So, I don’t think this is the WORST thing you can say. But the reason why it won’t land well with most people is that the emotions don’t “match” — grief/sadness is different from fear. I think *especially* with grief/loss, there needs to be a 1-to-1 match to make a connection this way.

              I do think that most people see this kind of thing as well intentioned but clueless, rather than malicious, unless they already know the person to be super self-involved, etc.

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              1. Annie2*

                Yes, reading this comment section I fear people are taking away that you should never ever reply with a “I’ve been through something similar” type of response in these kinds of situations. That’s not quite true! It’s okay to briefly comment if you’ve been through something similar – the key is not to launch into a whole story and to keep the focus on the person talking. Something like “ugh, we went through something similar with my dad and it was tough. Let me know if you want me to cover the Big Meeting for you today, or if there’s anything else I can do.”

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                1. Insulindian Phasmid*

                  That makes sense, both of you. Just explaining for nnn :) I have gotten better about catching myself before doing an empathy story. I also interact with a lot of other autistic and ADHD people so we know we can empathy story within our own circles.

          7. Ellis Bell*

            The really wild thing is, that (sometimes) if you do it to another person with ADHD, they totally do it back to you by connecting what you’ve said to another completely random dot, but still somewhat attached to the original conversation. It can be the best and weirdest conversation sometimes.

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            1. Slow Gin Lizz*

              Haha, I have a friend who definitely changes topics in her brain without her mouth notifying others of this and she’ll suddenly say something completely unrelated to anything else we’ve been talking about all day and it’s pretty hilarious sometimes.

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            2. anon with adhd*

              Yes, most of us are following the golden rule — “do unto others as you would like them to do unto you”, which has the big fundamental flaw of “not everyone likes the same thing”, alas.

              I have been to parties where the alcohol is flowing freely and most of the group is adhd/autistic/both/some other flavor of neurodivergence, and the conversation flow is both WILDLY random and so much fun. Tangent to tangent to tangent. And will suddenly boomerang back five topics when someone who’s a little less aggressive about cutting in decides they still want to say what they were thinking a while ago.

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        2. Sally Jackson*

          Does your spouse ever turn the conversation back to you? I think that’s the real problem, especially if we’re talking about a life partner. It really doesn’t matter how pure the intentions are when impact is the same.

          Reply ↓
        3. Lisa*

          I think the “Related experience – expression of sympathy – turn focus back” framework mentioned above might really help to bring up with your spouse!

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    2. Momma Bear*

      Same. There are people who are clueless and egotistical and there are people who are trying to show empathy via comparison. Either one can be a problem in context but IMO one is less worse than the other.

      I think that OP can talk to Margo and say, “I don’t know if you intended but…” even if it’s a botched attempt at empathy.

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    3. H.Regalis*

      They try to relate by talking about something similar they experienced.

      This seems like a very normal thing people do, neurodivergent or not. Is it really that unusual? I personally wouldn’t use the phrase “I know how you feel” unless I had had the exact same thing happen to me, but that feels really nitpicky.

      That said, I can definitely see why Margo isn’t coming off well. It would be grating to have someone make everyone about themself like that. Based solely on what LW writes, I’d also hazard a guess that Margo is trying to show empathy but messing it up. I agree with Alison’s advice for if you have a good rapport with her and you’re reasonably certain she’s not going to blow her stack at the slightest hint of criticism.

      Reply ↓
      1. Productivity Pigeon*

        I guess the issue is what one considers a comparable situation.
        Is a mother dying comparable to a father? What about a grandmother who raised you?

        Or if someone is hospitalized due to Covid? Is it comparable to have been hospitalized with a kidney infection? Or needing surgery for a broken leg? And so on and so forth.

        What about the level of emotional involvement? Something that might seem relatively minor to Person A, say a car breaking down, could be life-changing to the point of losing their home to Person B who has mo savings and a lot of debt.

        I totally see why it quickly becomes complicated to navigate for a lot of people.

        Reply ↓
        2. Observer*

          I guess the issue is what one considers a comparable situation.

          That’s part of it. Some things are hard to gauge, and also can be very specific. But some things are so widely divergent that it seems like people should recognize that it really is not the same. So parent vs grandparent being ill could be considered highly similar by many people. But it’s hard to see “past illness that someone recovered from” as being at all similar to “someone died”.

          Reply ↓
        3. Annie2*

          Yes, 100%. The issue is that Margo’s comparisons are way, way off, not that she’s mentioning her own experience at all.

          Reply ↓
        4. Dido*

          Anyone with a brain would know that your dad getting a minor case of Covid and recovering quickly is NOT comparable to someone else’s dad DYING

          Reply ↓
      2. Quinine..I need quinine*

        I think the OP mis-titled the question. It sounds like they don’t mind Margo comparing these things to her own, just that the comparisons are way off

        Reply ↓
      3. fhqwhgads*

        It is a normal thing people do, but it’s also a nuanced thing. Margo’s not doing it with any nuance. Margo’s version comes out like someone gave her a formula “when someone mentions an experience, bring up your own similar experience to show you relate to them”. Even her starting with “I get it” in all the examples suggests this is a formula. Whether someone told her to do it, or she just learned the pattern on her own, who knows. Doesn’t really matter. But she’s misapplying it because her internal gauge for what is similar is very miscalibrated.

        Reply ↓
    4. Aggretsuko*

      I try to relate to people like that, and after I’ve said “I had similar thing,” try to circle back to THEIR thing again.

      That said, I wouldn’t claim any kind of parenting knowledge, oy.

      Reply ↓
      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        I try to do this too, because I actually hate making a conversation about me when it shouldn’t be, and I also hate when others do that. I hope I succeed.

        Reply ↓
    5. SunnyShine*

      I think OP should just ignore it. Margo isn’t hurting anyone. She doesn’t need to mother Margo or correct her. Sounds like Margo is trying to emphasize the best way she knows how.

      But if she must say something, I think it’s better and more kind to say “I think you are trying to emphasize with people problems but it comes across as minimizing their problems when you compare your problems to theirs.”

      Reply ↓
      1. pamela voorhees*

        While I don’t think she HAS to do something, I think it would be a kindness. It’s incorrect to say Margo isn’t hurting anyone — she’s definitely hurting people’s feelings, and that’s going to impact her relationships with others. Margo, who is probably doing her best, is going to eventually start wondering why nobody seems to want to talk to her any more — OP isn’t obligated, but it’d be a kindness to Margo.

        Reply ↓
        1. Fitzie's chew toy*

          Many commentors here are very kind and giving Margo a lot of grace. Not me. I worked with a woman like this for years. Every conversation in the faculty room turned to how much worse her situation was. Two teachers’ children had cancer, but HER daughter had gall bladder trouble. She drove me nuts and the solution was to avoid her. The sad thing was she had a nice husband, nice home, and nice children. We all liked the gall bladder daughter, but no one really liked her.

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    6. Dawn*

      I’m AuDHD and it’s certainly something that I do (although I try to verbally acknowledge the disparity between any two situations.) It’s one way that I try to demonstrate that I genuinely can empathize, and I’m not just paying lip service to the idea.

      Reply ↓
  6. SheLooksFamiliar*

    I’ve worked with a few Margos and tried to believe they were awkward at showing empathy. But a couple were all about one-upmanship: ‘Oh, Jane has the flu? That’s nothing, I’ve dealt with allergies all my life,’ or ‘Sorry to hear your kid broke their ankle, but it could’ve been so much worse. My neighbor’s kid sprained both his ankles.’

    ‘Those aren’t really comparable’ should work for most Margos. For the kind I referred to above, my team and I said something along the lines of, ‘This isn’t a competition, Margo, and you wouldn’t want to win it anyway.’

    Reply ↓
    1. Venus*

      You have Type 2 diabetes? I have Type 1.
      You have Hepatitis A? I have B.

      Illness isn’t a competition!

      I agree with others that thankfully Margo seems well-intentioned and should be open to a conversation about it.

      Reply ↓
    2. But Actually*

      I find it’s usually pretty easy to tell when someone wants to play Hardship Olympics versus someone’s attempted empathy not landing well. I’ve worked with both types of people. The former always have what they portray as a more dire story while the latter usually just have a story.

      One of the worst, but funniest example of being one-upped was my mildly complaining to a coworker about something a little overbearing my mom did, and having Worst Coworker Ever butt in to say “at least she’s alive, my mom died years ago!”.

      Reply ↓
  7. duinath*

    “that’s not the same thing” is a very good place to start, and if it continues i would go ahead and turn to “that’s an odd thing to say”.

    return weirdness to sender.

    Reply ↓
    1. Quinine..I need quinine*

      That seems pointlessly rude. Why is it so wrong if Margo’s comparisons aren’t perfectly accurate?

      Reply ↓
      1. Sar*

        “aren’t perfectly accurate” vs. “way off, in a way that feels like she is minimizing the thing by implicitly suggesting that they serve as an apt comparison”.

        It really comes down to the reasonableness of the comparison. Death of a parent = death of an immediate family member; anything less than that should probably be couched as “I can’t imagine how bereft you are, I’ve lost my grandma but not either parent.” Definitely not “my parent was sick but got better” unless there is some additional context that makes the comparison better (“When my dad had Covid last year, it was touch and go and we were actually talking about removing him from the ventilator when we were suddenly told that against all odds he was improving–obviously, it’s not comparable, but I was a complete wreck at work and Lucinda really helped me by taking my night shift so please let me know if there are any shifts I can take for you!”).

        She is reliably offering comparisons that are less bad/intense–i.e., the errors are all going in one direction. This also suggests a lack of empathy/willingness to exaggerate her own hardships. Not entirely the same as “Tragedy is if I get a hangnail. Comedy is if you slip on a banana peel and die.”, but a cousin to it.

        Reply ↓
      2. duinath*

        not perfectly accurate? that’s a vast understatement.

        the point is to make it clear to her this isn’t coming across as kind. that’s why we start with pointing out the flaw in her thinking (your nephew in another town does not, in fact, let you know exactly how a parent feels) by saying it’s not the same, and then we move on to pointing out how weird it is to say these things if after you’ve done that for some time she still doesn’t listen.

        i am all for manners, but letting someone be unkind is a step too far. that is what margo is doing, whether or not she intends it.

        most good people will appreciate being called out on being unkind, in time if not in the moment. it allows them to recognize what they are doing, and stop doing it.

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      3. SQLWitch*

        “Why is it so wrong if Margo’s comparisons aren’t perfectly accurate?”

        Because, intentionally or not, if she’s equating the other person’s serious issue with her own less-serious one, she’s covertly trivializing the other person’s experience.

        I train hotline responders, and we explicitly teach people to watch out for this because it’s so devastating to a person in a vulnerable state. And it’s equally devastating when the person means well but is just incompetent at empathizing. Possible more so because the person on the receiving end will take the invalidation more to heart if they sense the speaker’s benevolence.

        Reply ↓
        1. Quinine..I need quinine*

          that’s a good point, but I don’t think it’s fair to hold Margo or any random work colleague to the standard of a trained hotline responder.

          Reply ↓
          1. pamela voorhees*

            The point isn’t that Margo has to have the skills of a trained hotline responder, it’s “this particular thing she is doing is a bad habit because it’s devastating to a person in a vulnerable state, and I know that because I train hotline responders.”

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      4. allathian*

        Because she isn’t turning the conversation back to the other speaker.
        Coworker: My granddad fell and broke his hip, and he’s now in hospital.
        Margo: I’m sorry to hear that. When my grandma sprained her ankle, my grandpa was more or less her nurse for a month. (Assuming Mardo knows the coworker’s grandma is still alive) How’s your grandma holding up?

        Turning the conversation back to the original speaker shows empathy. Just stating a vaguely similar but less serious incident doesn’t quite cut it, I’m afraid.

        Reply ↓
        1. Quinine..I need quinine*

          I get that, I’m just not sure if I’m op I would care to get involved with it. If my grandfather was in the hospital, Margo’s own story wouldn’t really matter either way. I’m not trying to correct people’s manners at work, or change their level of empathy

          Reply ↓
      5. fhqwhgads*

        Margo’s a mile and a half away from “perfectly accurate”. Come on? Someone’s father died last week and her dad had a mild case of a serious illness and recovered completely a year ago?

        Reply ↓
        1. Quinine..I need quinine*

          Maybe I’m too forgiving but I thought it might be a case of Margo wanting to make the OP feel better by saying it could be something mild. Either way though I don’t think “what an odd thing to say” is a good use of that AAM zinger in this case

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          1. Daydreamer*

            Margo wasn’t speaking to someone whose father was ill. She was speaking to someone whose father died. But I agree that “what an odd thing to say” doesn’t feel like the right thing to say, if OP gets the sense that Margo is genuinely trying to be kind and missing the mark.

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  8. Mark Greene*

    It sounds like Margo is trying to relate and it’s not coming across as she means. I would tell her as a kindness.

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  9. Starfox*

    This is a very common way for neurodivergent people to try to relate to others, please before you do anything try to figure out what her purpose is. If she’s trying to empathize she’ll be blindsided & very confused to suddenly have someone tell her she sounds like she’s trying to make everything about her. (ask me how I know…)

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    1. Lola*

      She might get confused, but she needs to learn that she’s coming across as insensitive and self-centered. Her coworkers don’t have to play a guessing game on whether she’s neurodivergent or not.

      Reply ↓
      1. pamela voorhees*

        It’s better to blindside/confuse her than to let her keep doing it and ruin her relationships.

        Reply ↓
      2. I'm just here for the cats!!*

        I don’t think Starfox is saying the coworkers are having to guess if she is neurodivergent. There is nothing in the letter that indicates that she is doing this maliciously or to be the center of attention. She sounds like she is trying to join in the conversation and show she understands.

        Can you imagine you think you are just being kind to your coworkers and then someone says something rude to you or accusines you of trying to steal the conversation? How would that make you feel? You would be hurt and confused. Maybe someone should talk to her, kindly. Or maybe they could just realize that this is how she communicates and shows empathy.

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        1. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

          I think it’s funny that Margo’s failure to show empathy should be… met with empathy.

          I can imagine your hypotheticals. I think they have happened to most people. Feeling bad/hurt/confused isn’t the end of the world. You would be able to get your confusion resolved if you then asked questions of the person. And then maybe the two of you could gain understanding of each other, instead of expecting it all to go one way. Silently. By making assumptions.

          BTW, “this is just how I communicate” is not set in stone. We are all capable of learning new things, including how to communicate better.

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  10. Quinine..I need quinine*

    This doesn’t seem like a huge problem, but I get it can be slightly annoying. I’d probably just nod in agreement

    Reply ↓
    1. Death by a Thousand Cuts*

      It is not a huge problem. It is a repeated problem because the same person is doing the same thing to you over and over again vs one-time.

      I’m feeling empathetic today, but so often the question is “how can I make this stop?” and I wonder why can’t you just ignore it (other than you don’t like it and you feel like the other person should make you comfortable by stopping).

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    2. Productivity Pigeon*

      I’d be pretty upset if someone compared my father dying to their father having a mild illness, I won’t lie.

      Reply ↓
      1. Lola*

        Exactly, yes. This has the potential of being deeply offensive, even if in some instances (like the car repair) it’s just annoying.

        Reply ↓
        1. MigraineMonth*

          Exactly. The car repair example was just a bit annoying. Unfortunately, the other examples (comparing a mild illness to a death, comparing having a nephew to having children) have the potential to come off as very rude, minimizing others’ struggles or self-centered (as the LW’s framing demonstrates). It is probably already putting a strain on at least some of Margo’s work relationships.

          I think it would be a kindness to point out the pattern to Margo as a way her words aren’t landing as intended, but LW isn’t Margo’s manager or close friend and therefore doesn’t have any obligation to do anything.

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      2. Quinine..I need quinine*

        that’s fair – Margo comes off like a child if she really thinks those are comparable..

        Reply ↓
      3. Unsure where this goes*

        Yes, you would be upset. Yes, this has the potential of being deeply offensive. Yes, Margo comes off like a child if she really thinks those are comparable.

        Reply ↓
      4. I'm just here for the cats!!*

        I agree that it’s not the same. But maybe for her it was a huge deal. Like maybe she was worried that he would die, or this was the first time anything like this had happened

        Reply ↓
  11. Festively Dressed Earl*

    “Those aren’t really comparable” will work only if Margo is truly well intentioned. Be prepared for her to double down in a big way.

    Reply ↓
    1. Dawbs*

      Honestly, i don’t think it will work if she IS well intentioned.
      If i were trying to create connection and show empathy and was told it wasn’t comparable when, in my mind, it is comparable (and i kinda think the examples given are), I would just be confused and either be humiliated that I’m failing at social norms and scuttle off OR be confused and ask clarifying questions that would not go over well and probably make everyone think I’m self- centered because there’s no way to ask that wouldn’t look that way.

      Reply ↓
        1. Dawbs*

          i must confess a reading comprehension fail on that one -i read it as her dad had a bad case, and was imagining the whole “it is so hard to take care of our parents” piece. (in my defense, i don’t have one, it’s just that sort of reading day).

          The other 2, depending, i get. car expenses suck,universally. Chronic pain is a beast.

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        2. Insulindian Phasmid*

          Not in degree, but in kind, maybe. I can absolutely see myself channeling My Feelings about a parent being sick when trying to relate to Your Feelings about your parent having died. You’re facing the thing that I was afraid would happen. It’s not the same, by any means. But it’s not on a completely different topic either.

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        3. anglerfish*

          The uncertainty and fear.

          Margo is letting some big assumptions do the work and they’re obviously wrong assumptions now that both situations have a conclusion (one in healing and one in death), but the base emotion she’s drawing the parallel between is “at one point in time, we both feared someone we loved would die”. She’s remembering her fear and believing that it’s sufficient to relate to someone who has also experienced that fear, without realizing that the vast difference in outcomes would retroactively change how that fear is experienced.

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          1. Saturday*

            Yeah, rather than thinking they’ve had similar experiences, I think she’s thought about how difficult and frightening it would be to lose her parent, and she’s using that feeling to relate to her coworker. Quite possible she doesn’t realize how it’s coming across.

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  12. Frosty*

    As a broader culture we aren’t really taught how to respond to difficult situations (or things that are just “a bummer”) and I wish we would give people more tools and practice on how to do it with more sensitivity and finesse.

    Sure some people just want the spotlight on them, but this problem is so pervasive that I think most people come with their hearts in the right place and just kind of biff it.

    Reply ↓
    1. MigraineMonth*

      People complain about platitudes seeming insincere, but this is exactly the reason for them: most people don’t like thinking about death or loss, and there are only so many work-appropriate ways to say, “Oh shit, that sucks monkey balls. I have no idea how you’re feeling right now and honestly don’t even want to imagine how I’d feel in your situation. I’m certain there’s nothing at all that I can do to help, but I’m going to offer anyway because I’m feeling awkward.”

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  13. Shhh*

    I’m a pretty socially awkward person and have been like that. I agree that a well-placed, direct but kind comment about it will likely help.

    Reply ↓
  14. satin*

    A coworker of mine recently mentioned that he had to really work to break the habit of bringing conversations back to himself, because he started out in a high-pressure sales job where he was trained to make as many connections as possible with potential customers. No matter how much of a stretch, he was drilled on making “connections” between himself and his leads. Even after leaving sales, he still felt like he needed to connect with coworkers as much as possible, which ironically made him seem self-centered. So I do think it would be a kindness to either address it in the moment, with some of Alison’s suggestions, or if you really have a good relationship, mention it in private.
    Also as a note, I worked with a different coworker who also brought everything back to herself, but she was definitely trying to one-up everyone. It was fairly easy to tell the difference. So I would give Margo the benefit of the doubt if she really seems well-intentioned.

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    1. Lauren H.*

      That’s interesting insight from your coworker! I definitely noticed conversational habits that I picked up from growing up with my family that I’ve needed to consciously reprogram for the rest of the world. (Interjecting [aka interrupting!], in my case)

      I agree that how I handle it would be based on Margot’s intention/style and the vibe among the rest of your coworkers. Is this something you can acknowledge happens with your close colleagues and make amused eye contact with each other each time it happens? That could diffuse your aggravation. If it’s something you can draw attention to light-heartedly in the moment I think that’s a great option. Once an Irish colleague was doing a jokey rant about Mariah Carey appropriating Irish culture. In the same tone I brought up that White people have a much deepen and broader history of appropriating black culture. The other colleagues in the convo said “great point” and the conversation moved on. If you do think talking to Margot one-on-one is best I find “I feel a bit awkward bringing this up but I’d want someone to do the same for me” is a helpful intro. Just as if she had food in her teeth or her fly was down.

      Reply ↓
      1. MigraineMonth*

        My family of origin corrects each other, and my parents always encouraged my sister and I to correct them as well. Turns out the rest of the world does *not* enjoy girls or young women correcting them (or arguing with them in class, even if they are teaching the wrong definition for an integral).

        I think the suggestion of pulling Margot aside and explaining that responding with sympathy rather than a related experience will usually go over better is a good one. I don’t know about making amused eye contact; I might do that for an irritating behavior of the boss’ boss that I can’t change, but for a peer that seems too much like making fun of someone behind their back when you could just talk to them.

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    2. anon for this*

      I was in a social situation where I interacted a lot with people who were famous or otherwise ‘important people’ and needed to be able to make conversation that didn’t involve whatever they were famous or known for.
      It was kind of fun to be able to draw people out in ways they weren’t used to, but I often used personal anecdotes as ice breakers and went from there.
      Decades later I still have the compulsion to engage people by sharing innocuous things we might have in common.

      Reply ↓
  15. H.Regalis*

    This makes me think of when my friend The Fixer does her “let me put you on some game ;)” spiel about how to deal with little kid nonsense (“I wanted mac n cheese and now I’m throwing a tantrum because I have mac n cheese!”) when she is neither a parent nor works in early childhood. I know she’s trying to be helpful, but that is not how it comes across. I’m guessing Margo is trying to show empathy, but that is not the message received.

    Reply ↓
  16. Olive*

    I agree with the advice to pull her aside and be honest but kind about how some of the worst examples are coming across. Comparing a death with someone who easily recovered might have been truly hurtful for the coworker who lost a parent, even if Margo didn’t mean for it to be, and it would be a kindness to everyone to address it discreetly.

    Alternatively, I have a colleague who can turn any conversation toward her own life circumstances and for many reasons, I don’t feel as warmly toward her as the OP does toward Margo. I’m still friendly and professional, but I don’t tell her anything very personal and I respond to her with a lot of canned answers. “Oh that’s too bad” gets used a lot. In a case like comparing cancer with foot pain, I wouldn’t hesitate to “oh that’s too bad” her quickly and then turn all my attention back to the cancer patient.

    Reply ↓
  17. Lana Kane*

    I don’t think this is a manager issue, to be honest. This is something to address in the moment as an organic part of the conversation. I wouldn’t say something when she does it to someone else, but the next time it happens to OP a gentle “I don’t think those are comparable” could be a place to start. And it could empower others to do that as well.

    I do get the sense that it’s less about her being self-centered and more trying to relate. Maybe it’s because it’s a tendency I’ve noticed in myself and I know that’s where it’s coming from. I’ve worked to curb that and, to be honest, I think I’ll be working on that all my life!

    Reply ↓
  18. ADHD Gal*

    I will say that at times I’m guilty of doing something similar – I have ADHD and there are times where I will share something when someone is sharing their happenings, and my intention is to let the person know that I understand what they’re experiencing and to be supportive.

    That said, I am very mindful of the examples I may share – I wouldn’t compare a stubbed toe to having a limb removed kind of thing – but at times I do worry that folks feel like I’m making the conversation all about me when in my head that is not my intention at all.

    The advice to call her on her comments – “mild covid is not the same as her father passing away” type statements – is spot on. I hope that she can find other ways to be supportive.

    Reply ↓
    1. Brain sparkles*

      Ditto. I have ADHD and do this, and it’s often only after I’ve launched into a ‘oh I can have this related experience so can empathise’ story that I realise I’ve gone and done it again.

      I also agree that pointing it out – either in the moment or at another time – is appropriate. I think Margo’s response will be telling as to her motivation.

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  19. EA*

    I think this sort of issue needs to be addressed in the moment, not in a conversation after the fact. I don’t think it’s rude to say (of course not in the mean tone), “hmmm, that’s pretty different, and it actually makes me feel worse / like you’re minimizing the issue when you try to compare those two things.” If she’s actually well meaning, then she’ll want to know it doesn’t make you feel good.

    It can also be useful to just tell people what you want to hear. It’s a different situation, but it’s worked for me because my husband is one of those people who constantly proposes a solution when you complain about a problem – and sometimes I just want to vent and have someone say, “oh, that sucks” without telling me what to do. The best way to accomplish that with my husband has been to say, “I just really need to vent right now and have someone hear me out, without proposing solutions yet.” Sometimes he’ll even ask me if it’s a solutions time or just a listening time now. It’s not exactly the same situation, but maybe you could adapt it to help Margo and others in the group understand what sort of reaction you want.

    Finally, is this a group chat? There are some people who are just not great listeners, and can also come across awkwardly on chat. You might consider just backing away from sharing more serious stuff with this particular group and sticking to more casual topics.

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    1. Productivity Pigeon*

      I do think it should be addressed when there are no other people present though, otherwise it would be way to awkward and embarrassing to Margo.

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      1. allathian*

        The first time, yes. If it happens again, the kid gloves can come off. Intentional or not, I find Margo’s behavior obnoxious. I’d give her my best if looks could kill stare if I heard her comparing the death of my parent to the serious illness of one of her relatives who ultimately recovered.

        I get the impulse to show empathy by sharing a similar experience, I’ve done it often enough here. But when I do that, I always try to bring the point back to the OP’s story. The problem isn’t that Margo’s sharing a vaguely similar story, it’s that she isn’t returning the focus to whatever story the original speaker shared.

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      2. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

        Margo’s feelings need to be protected, but no one else’s? She will live through feeling awkward.

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  20. toolegittoresign*

    Former Margo here. I thought pointing out my own difficulties was a way of expressing empathy and making the person feel less alone. I didn’t realize how it came off until a friend asked me outright if I was comparing my situation to theirs. It was a very rude awakening. I now make sure I do not bring anything back to myself when expressing empathy. I have learned that “I am so sorry to hear that” is a full sentence and I don’t have to explain why I can empathize.

    Say something to her. Don’t worry about hurting her feelings because there’s no nice way to find out you’ve been being an insensitive ass with good intentions. I wish someone had said something to me sooner.

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  21. Thin Mints didn't make me thin*

    Margo seems like someone who might benefit from a basic introduction to ring theory.

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  22. Hawk*

    This is not an armchair diagnosis, but I do want to say that this is a way that I as a neurodivergent person try to say that I’m empathizing with a situation. It’s not great (as I know it comes across as one-upping at times) and I wish I knew how to express I’m empathizing with a situation better. I grew up with a parent that would do it in a one-upping way, and that is the only way I was raised. It’s similar to the “sharing a story with my own experiences to show I understand your experiences” tactic. But just in case there are other neurodivergent folks out there seeing this, I see you.

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  23. Same thing happened to me!*

    I used to be a Margo, as my socially awkward way of showing empathy while not having a formula for how to do it right. I know better now, but it took a very long time for me to become aware of it because no-one ever corrected me. But this can be tricky to navigate if you think Margo wants to be comforting but does it very badly. It would probably be devastating to her to realize just how self-centered and un-empathetic this makes her look and how exasperating it is. What would be a kind way to tell her that wouldn’t be utterly crushing ?

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    1. H.Regalis*

      I think the scripts Alison provided are pretty good. There are certainly ways LW can avoid being needlessly cruel, but LW can’t control how Margo is going to feel.

      Reply ↓
  24. TotesMaGoats*

    Story of my life.
    1. Had a former friend who had a story for every one you had. His day was ALWAYS worse. His boss was ALWAYS worse. It was always “but wait”. One of the many reasons that I’m glad we don’t see him anymore.
    2. Have a colleague who KNOWS everything and been through everything. I’ve stopped sharing any stories that in anyway indicate that I have questions about next steps or uncertainties. Only positive, generic things. I definitely don’t share anything medical anymore.

    Do I know that there are some people who think this is empathizing? Yes. Could this be a neurodivergent thing? Maybe. Not my wheelhouse to say. Do some people just do anything to center themselves? Yep.

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  25. Landry*

    I think Margo is trying to relate emotions. For example, the car situation — to Margo, the stress and financial blow of the tire replacement probably FELT the same to her as LW needing a new vehicle or major repair. Her love and support for her nephew probably FEELS the same to her as a parent with a child, despite the distance. Yes, she is being inarticulate about it, but I don’t think it calls for minimizing her emotions.

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    1. Meep*

      To make it about me, with an antidote – I tend to agree with this. I have a couple family members like that. My wedding ring has some stones that glow in UV light. My aunt decided to bring up her glow-in-the-dark bag of Reese’s she got for Halloween to be relatable when I was showing it to a family member one Thanksgiving. It was so completely unrelatable that it was baffling and I didn’t know how to respond, but in her mind, she was trying to find a commonality – as annoying as it was.

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  26. DefinitiveAnn*

    My husband did this and I mostly blew it off when he did it on the phone when I was in the middle of a gall bladder attack. I responded (because it was my husband) “I’m not going to get into a competition of ‘whose pain is worse’ right now. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

    He was gobsmacked. Had no idea that’s how he was coming off.

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  27. Retired at last*

    It could well just be social awkwardness – as a lifelong socially awkward person, I know I’ve done this more than once (though not, I sincerely hope, on a regular basis). It is an attempt to express empathy (and I generally realize about 15 minutes later that it probably landed very wrong). If someone were to take me aside and point out such a misstep I would (a) be horribly embarrassed and avoid all human contact for days and (b) be annoyed both at myself and the person because of course I already know perfectly well that it was a misstep. But I would probably react better to that coming from a manager or other senior person (taking it as something I need to work on) than from a peer (which would land as unnecessary criticism).

    I have also done it from the other side – many years ago, when a senior colleague expressed sympathy on my mother’s terminal illness (she died a few days later at age 49), 24 year old me replied “thanks, but that’s not my biggest problem today” and went on to vent about some annoying, but perfectly normal, accounting problem. I’m sure the poor man was totally shocked, but it wasn’t that I wasn’t grieving, I just didn’t know how to respond. Margo may well be in the same boat – feeling sympathy but not knowing how to express it.

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  28. Is Butter A Carb?*

    At the same time, LW doesn’t seem like they come from a nice team. The comment about the children and nephew was snotty and sounds like a mommy mean girl club.

    Reply ↓
    1. fhqwhgads*

      It’s not snotty to point out that the experience of having a nephew who lives very far away from you is a completely different experience than having a child who lives with you. The bit about him being on the other coast was surely intended to stave off “well what if she’s the nephew’s primary caregiver?” which would be a comparable situation. But the reality was not a comparable situation.

      Reply ↓
      1. Parakeet*

        Presumably it depends on what kid stuff they’re talking about, no? That one wasn’t clear, or clear-cut, to me in the way that the mild COVID vs death one was. I dote on my little nephew who lives far away, and whether I brought him up in a conversation about kids would depend entirely on the context.

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  29. A*

    I agree it’s probably well intentioned and if you get along otherwise it might be a kindness to tell her

    The ways we have experienced similar stuff DO teach us empathy and these kind of comments can be a way to express it but it’s a delicate needle to thread! I think the key is to send the conversation and follow ups back—“Ouch! Card can be so expensive, when I had to replace my tires last year it was a real headache! Good luck figuring out the next steps, I hope it goes smoothly!” (With friends I would ask if they’ve decided yet whether to replace or repair but with coworkers I probably wouldn’t pry because it might pull information on what they can and can’t afford etc and I try to just let people volunteer personal stuff instead of asking)

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  30. Dana*

    for my own peace of mind, i’ve decided most of these folks are clueless but mean well. my husband & i lost our son in 2020 and people do this A LOT to us. from dead dogs to sick kids who recovered, i’ve heard all the adjacent situations. it used to infuriate me— now i just realize they truly don’t know what to say. so i just nod and smile and move on. not pithy, but in the long run better for your mental health :)

    Reply ↓
    1. Respect.*

      That’s a lot of endlessly recycled heartbreak, I’m so deeply sorry. I admire and envy your ability to see it for what it is and protect yourself to some extent!

      Reply ↓
    3. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I can only imagine how hard those comparisons hit. I certainly know how you were ending those sentences in your head. Woof. Glad you were able to move past it.

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  31. Artemesia*

    I come from a family where the conversational style is ‘you tell me a story about yourself and I relate to you/empathize by telling a similar story about myself. And if someone who has been brought up like this does it really badly you get Margo. I have had to really struggle to converse by asking questions and empathizing rather than ‘counter story telling’. See I did it again.

    I suspect Margo is ineptly being what she thinks of us concerned and empathetic and is instead infuriating.

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  32. Meep*

    I could see how it is easy to brush it off in the moment, but annoying when constantly happening. I hope it is more her attempting to just be relatable and falling flat. What is her age range? Because it is definitely a very young millennial/older Gen Z thing to try to sympathize.

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  33. Zona the Great*

    For someone in my life who does this ad nauseum: “We were talking about Sally” and then turn back to Sally.

    Reply ↓
  34. KL*

    My dad does this all the time, it drives me batty. This, combined with his tendency to exaggerate, sometimes makes me want to scream. Oh, you have a cold? I have the flu (he did not, he was just exhausted). You jogged seven miles today? I ran a half marathon thirty years ago.
    I’ve realized over the years that he’s trying to empathize, and have to remind myself every time he does this. Years ago, I started calling him out in the moment. It’s never outright stopped him, but it has reduced the amount of times he does it, so I’ll take what I can get at this point.

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  35. Curiouser and Curiouser*

    This is actually something I worked on in group therapy. Not that I would have compared mild covid to a coworker’s father dying, but when people would bring up something personal or a hardship, I would automatically try to show I related by bringing up a story of my own. It was well intentioned, but, as my therapist would say, my desire to relate actually ended up alienating the person sharing because we are now focused on whatever my story is rather than the original person’s woes.

    I’m in the camp that thinks Margo is well intentioned, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a problem. I think it’s a kindness to point out the weirdness (“well…that’s not really comparable…” or “whoa, why would you say that…”), because it may make her look a little closer at what she’s doing. Or she’ll miss it entirely, but I don’t think it’s likely to have a negative effect.

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  36. Trying to Sail Away*

    This absolutely reminds me of this Brene Brown short about empathy vs sympathy: https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw?feature=shared

    I have Margo tendencies myself and I try to harken back to this video when I feel the urge to sympathize vs empathize. Perhaps LW could share the video with the team as a “found this interesting/helpful” and it might jolt Margo into some self-actualization?

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  37. Thanks*

    Maybe I’m alone in this, but I don’t think it’s ever appropriate when you’re trying to express empathy to say that you went through it too. When people want empathy, they often aren’t helped by the fact that somebody else went through it. Unless they’re in the space of wanting advice about how to deal with it, I would just emphasize. So whether Margot is well-intentioned or not, I don’t think her responses are appropriate.

    Reply ↓
    2. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      If you literally experienced the same kind of thing, then you have a special type of shared experience and you can offer help because you know what the person is going through. (Death being the biggie here that a lot of people don’t know what to say because they haven’t experienced loss.) That’s the whole point of support groups. But most times, it’s not similar enough.

      Reply ↓
    1. pamela voorhees*

      The big deal is that people are going to start questioning Margo’s judgement that she thinks those two things are comparable, that they’re not going to want to communicate with her at all because she hurt them when they were vulnerable, or both.

      Reply ↓
        1. pamela voorhees*

          I agree — LW doesn’t need to do anything if they don’t want to. I was just addressing the “this isn’t a big deal” part. :)

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  39. DramaQ*

    This is me. I learned brutally in high school that I was coming across as rude and self centered when in reality I was trying to find the right social script and in my neurospicy brain the best way to connect was to tell a story about myself and show I can relate right? See I understand you! I have feelings too and can understand yours!

    Then I went in reverse and stopped saying anything at all because I didn’t want to come across as rude. Then I found out that is rude too!

    It’s taken a really long time to realize that in most social settings people do not want to hear me talk they want me to listen/make noise and that is it. Especially in a work setting.

    It would be a kindness to say something but don’t do it like they did with me by asking “WTF is wrong with you do you ever stop talking?”

    See I just related to Margo!

    Say something like “I’m sorry that happened but we are focusing on Sally right now”. Turn the attention back to the other person. Eventually she will get the hint and start changing her behavior.

    If you are close enough with her or there is someone else who is it can also be a kindness to point out to her how the conversation is being taken. “Hey I know you are trying to relate to Sally but it is coming across as competition/clueless you might want to tone it down a bit”.

    Reply ↓
    1. pamela voorhees*

      To add onto this, if Sally (or another else) is really struggling to conceptualize the framework of why this is a bad idea, or what it should be like instead —

      If someone tells you a sad thing, it is a bid for attention (any attempt from one person to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection – not a pejorative, just a normal thing we all do!).

      If you respond with a different, sad thing, it feels to them like you have ignored their bid for attention, and are now bidding for attention yourself.

      We, of course, know that you were genuinely attempting to answer their bid with sympathy (“I get it, because X!”) but that’s why a gentle “We are focusing on Sally right now” is perfect, because it goes back to Sally’s original bid for attention and makes her feel less ignored.

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  40. Workerbee*

    I think I had a Margo as a colleague, way back. On just about any topic, she’d respond with a variant of her experience or perspective – but never in a constructive way. It was always about how much more important it was when it happened to her.

    Over time, I realized she was only appearing to pay attention to what I was saying, while instead thinking really hard about what she could say about it the moment she could cut in.

    The single time she didn’t do any of this was when I brought up a topic she had no knowledge of – or interest in.

    The conversation stalled completely. She just blinked at me.

    Me: “Nothing to say on this? No experience? Anything?”
    Her: “No.”

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  41. Honestly working on it*

    Is this me? Same number of people in department that gets along well, similar good will, identical problem, hmm.

    If so: Lord help me, I KNOW I HAVE THIS PROBLEM, and I swear I am trying to correct it! It’s extremely difficult when it’s this ingrained.

    It is how my entire kind-but-awkward family (no neurodivergence involved, just oversensitive introverts) has always tried to connect, offer help, and convey understanding and community. It was my normal for decades, and I get re-infused when I visit family.

    I understand now as an adult why it is hurtful, and I am better at catching myself doing it, but getting out of the habit is as hard as trying to get “um” and “like” out of all your speech. Mostly I simply end up talking a lot less, which makes me a little sad, but I’m working on getting used to that too.

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    1. pamela voorhees*

      There’s a formula up above someone shared that might be more of a help, because it’s adding on rather than changing your habits cold turkey: Related experience –> expression of sympathy –> turn focus back. Instead of just stopping at your related experience, make sure you add an expression of sympathy for them and then turn it back to them, preferably with a question (that makes it super clear “it’s your turn to talk again.”)

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        1. Samwise*

          I guess I’d say, practice saying expressions of sympathy without saying anything about yourself. Even if I’m telling you about my cancer treatments, and then you make a statement about your own cancer treatments, that’s not making a connection, that’s turning the attention to you. Even if that’s not what you intend, that is what it feels like to the other person.

          Maybe if you always put an open-ended question directed back to the other person, you will not leave yourself a cue to add the me-stuff

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  42. Black Horse*

    So, my mom does this. She always has. It’s just her way of trying to 1) relate what is happening to her own reality (for herself), and 2) express some sort of empathy and connection to the person telling the story. If you’re up for it, I think it could be a huge kindness to her to say a quick “hey, I know you’re trying to be nice, but when you do that to me it makes me feel ____; I’d much rather you did ___”. Sure, there are jerks in the world that just want to make it about themselves, but at least for my mom, she legit just doesn’t get that it’s a problem, she’s just trying to connect.

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  43. Melisande*

    I have one ‘Margo’ in my family and another in one of my social clubs. I find the best way to manage is to pretend they’ve not spoken and refocus on the original person.

    eg
    Jo: “so my car transmission went out on the way to the swimming gala…”
    Margo: “I feel for you, I had a puncture at the market the other month…”
    Me: “oh no Jo, how awful – did you get to the gala OK? And how is the car now….?”

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  44. I'm just here for the cats!!*

    I don’t see this as someone who is trying to one up the others or bring the conversation back to themselves. A lot of people (some neurodivergent but not all) do this as a way of relating to the other person. Especially the example about the parents. She’s trying to engage and connect with the others. Unless there were other actions, like she gets angry if the conversation isn’t about her, I don’t see her doing this maliciously.

    If you can be kind, you could take her aside sometime and say that when she makes comments about her nephew, or someone’s pain, it can seem like she is downplaying what they are going through or that she is taking over the conversation. But if you can’t do this kindly please leave it alone. Just realize that this is how she is.

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  45. YoungTen*

    Margo, while I know you love your nephew across the country, its quite a different matter from what co-worker John was talking about when He stated his concern for using up his sick leave because his child has the flu again.

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  46. Samwise*

    At some point someone is going to say to her, very coldly, (or they may yell at her) What is wrong with you? Your stubbed toe is nothing like CANCER.

    Or, someone will burst into tears when she makes one of these terrible comparisons.

    Already I am sure people in your office dislike her.

    Her intentions don’t matter. Her actions do.

    Reply ↓
    1. Productivity Pigeon*

      Sure, actions hurt even when intentions are good, but a well-intentioned but clueless person deserve a chance to correct their behavior by someone telling them in a kind, neutral manner.

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  47. Fitzie's chew toy*

    Many commentors here are very kind and giving Margo a lot of grace. Not me. I worked with a woman like this for years. Every conversation in the faculty room turned to how much worse her situation was. Two teachers’ children had cancer, but HER daughter had gall bladder trouble. She drove me nuts and the solution was to avoid her. The sad thing was she had a nice husband, nice home, and nice children. We all liked the gall bladder daughter, but no one really liked her.

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  48. Georgia Carolyn Mason*

    I agree with others that it would be kind and helpful to bring this up to Margo when 1) it’s just you and she and 2) she says something that sounds like comparison to something in your life particularly.

    Also, and I know I’m bringing it back to myself, but thank you OP for calling out this behavior. I can be a bit of a Margo and your post was a reminder to think more before I speak. I am super awkward, and I often launch into a story that I realize halfway through is the wrong thing to say, boring someone to tears, or both. They are often “me” stories. I need to be more careful about this, particularly at work.

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  50. LingNerd*

    If she’s truly well-intentioned, she will welcome the feedback as long as you do it kindly. I default to telling stories to demonstrate my understanding and empathy. I was well into my 20s before I learned that most people interpret that kind of thing as being self-centered instead of empathetic! I still do it if I’m with someone else who I know/sense is neurodivergent, but have learned other strategies. My favorite for more serious situations is to offer a (non-religious) blessing: “I wish you as many good days as it’s possible to have under the circumstances” or “I hope you’ll be able to find a few things that bring you peace and comfort” or something else like that

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  51. Raida*

    If she’s well-intentioned then this is her *showing* she empathises by sharing the closest thing she can.

    You can talk to her about how it *actually* lands.

    And watch her be horrified. And then tell you about a time…
    But she will be horrified. And you can suggest she practises taking a breathe before sharing her experience, and frame a question instead of a “i know…” anecdote. Which, to be clear, could then sound nosy. Fun!
    If she’s *offended* then you’ll have an indicator she’s self centred instead of sharing.

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  52. Leslie*

    I would let this go. I know a few people who are like this and I have made a mental game show out of it. “let’s see how Cordelia will react to the news that a tree fell on my roof this morning! ” “oh a twig slapped her in the face once, the horror!” It doesn’t minimize what people are experiencing just because your coworker always has to compare and comment.

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  53. shouldbeworkingrightnow*

    This is something AuDHD people often do. It’s their way of relating and is not in any sense intended as a one-mashup. So… her behavior could be just how she empathizes. ‍♀️

    Reply ↓

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