my new manager is upset I didn’t tell her I was pregnant when I interviewed

by Alison Green on April 23, 2025

A reader writes:

I recently interviewed for and accepted a job as a nurse at the very small hospital in my very small midwestern town. My lovely manager was very transparent about how they are big supporters of work-life balance, and gave tangible examples of how they support families, because they have “small town values.” She is clearly very proud of this fact and puts a lot of stock in being a “good” manager. I know some of the employees on that floor, and everything she says seems to be true and not just lip service.

Well, I am pregnant (around 15-16 weeks when I interviewed) but, naturally, did not disclose this fact until I had a verbal offer from HR, at which point I asked about some unpaid leave since I won’t be eligible for FMLA. The HR rep asked if I had disclosed my pregnancy during the interview. I answered no, and she said something along the lines of, “Of course not, I didn’t think so, I’ll let your manager know.”

Well, my manager said to me on my first day, “Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope you know that I’m very supportive of families and you could’ve told me during your interview.” She seemed, and seems, very miffed. I responded with the usual stuff about how you never know until you know who you’re interviewing with, that the common advice is to wait, blah blah blah. Since then, I’ve committed to being aggressively normal and am planning to let her work out her angst on her own.

My question is, if you are relatively certain that the place that you’re interviewing is family-friendly, and you suspect that your manager will be … sensitive to not being disclosed to, or to being perceived as untrustworthy, does it make sense to disclose? I am confident (and was confident during the interview) that they would have hired me either way. I feel like I lost some political capital with her.

You can’t know if it’s safe to disclose or not, so you should default to not disclosing. Lots of companies say they’re family-friendly but aren’t. And lots of companies are pretty good at supporting pregnant employees who worked there for a while but might still balk at hiring someone who would be out on leave for months soon after starting. And some would hire a pregnant candidate for some jobs but not for others. And sure, maybe there’s a company out there that’s great about it across the board and would always happily hire pregnant candidates … but you have no way of knowing from the outside which category this company is in, which is why it’s always safer not to disclose until you’ve been hired.

In some hypothetical situation where you’d seen the company hire a slew of obviously pregnant candidates, maybe the calculation would be different. Even then, though, you’d be taking the risk that they’d balk at it this time — maybe even because they’d accommodated so many maternity leaves recently, or maybe because this particular job made it harder to accommodate for some reason.

A manager who takes that personally and gets upset that you didn’t “trust” her enough to disclose your pregnancy ahead of time is a manager who really isn’t that family-friendly at all. It’s not family-friendly for her to make it about herself and her feelings, rather than understanding that of course people need to worry about discrimination, and of course you don’t know her well enough to feel confident, and there’s a reason the law makes it clear you don’t have to disclose a pregnancy when you’re interviewing for a job.

Your manager being “miffed” that you didn’t trust her, a stranger, not to unconsciously or consciously factor your pregnancy into her hiring decision (which is illegal but happens all the time) is a really odd reaction. You didn’t know her! You had nothing to judge on. And frankly, even if you did know her and still decided to use the legal protection afforded to you and not disclose, she’d still have no right to be miffed because discrimination is really common, and your right not to be illegally discriminated against trumps her desire to feel like a trusted ally. (Ironically, her response is proving that she isn’t really a trusted ally anyway.)

And to add to all that, at 15-16 weeks you might not have been sharing the news with anyone.

Ultimately, it’s just not info she was entitled to.

As for what to do from here, being aggressively normal and letting her work out her angst on her own is exactly the right approach.

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{ 135 comments }

{ 135 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. RIP Pillowfort*

    OP- You did nothing wrong and the fact your manager is upset shows why that law is needed. Also that HR rep sucks for saying “Of course not, didn’t think so.” as if they were even entitled to know prior to hiring you.

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    1. Antilles*

      Maybe I’m reading too far into things, but the cynical thought would be that HR’s response almost implies some added subtext of “I didn’t think so, (because if she had known this, you wouldn’t have this offer)”.

      Reply ↓
      1. iglwif*

        I guess that’s possible? But “No, of course not, because it’s extremely normal not to mention that” seems more likely to me.

        Reply ↓
        1. OP*

          Hi! OP here. It felt to me very much like “of course it makes sense to not disclose in an interview”. I made that comment to juxtapose it with my manager’s reaction! I don’t get the vibe that HR was put out at all.

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          1. CeeDoo*

            I’m glad that’s the way you think it was intended. It shows that it’s not unusual to them, so that’s good.

            Reply ↓
    2. ashie*

      Oh, I read that as a comment about the manager – as is “Of course not, if Manager didn’t tell me she must not have known.”

      Reply ↓
      1. Nerf*

        Yeah, I didn’t read it as “of course not because you were obviously hiding it,” but as “of course not, that’s not the normal thing to do.”

        Reply ↓
        2. Robbie*

          yeah, unless OP can give us some context to the tone, I read it as “Of course not, because disclosing a pregnancy during the hiring process would open a legal can of worms and no one would disclose that in the hiring stage.”
          I could be giving them too much benefit of the doubt though.

          Reply ↓
          1. OP*

            OP here. The tone was very much “ obviously you didn’t disclose, this is a normal thing, I’m just checking”. I mentioned that to juxtapose my manager’s reaction. HR was professional.

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    3. sparkle emoji*

      I can imagine it being a breezy comment, like “I assume you didn’t because that’s the typical way of handling things, but just checking”. Hard to tell based on the letter.

      Reply ↓
      1. Roland*

        Yeah that was my initial read too, didn’t even occur to me that other reads are possible until the comment section. I guess they are but I really wouldn’t assume anything based off of it. (Aimed at commenters, OP had more info like facial expression and tone obviously.)

        Reply ↓
    5. Sweet 'N Low*

      I interpreted the HR rep’s comment completely differently, like, “Oh, duh, of course you wouldn’t have said anything, I don’t know why I even asked.”

      Reply ↓
  3. Chairman of the Bored*

    I am a hiring manager, and strongly prefer that a candidate not share information like this with me when they interview because if they do it puts me in the position of having to unnecessarily juggle additional variables in my hiring choices.

    If a candidate tells me they’re pregnant and I decide to hire somebody else I now owe it to the candidate to spend some time and effort interrogating my choice and really making sure it wasn’t due to bias on my part, something that might result in legal action, etc. It’s a hassle, and easily preventable.

    LW was doing their manager a favor by not bringing the pregnancy up.

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    1. Sam I Am*

      Agreed. I would much rather not have information that I can’t legally consider. It keeps things cleaner for both sides.

      Reply ↓
    2. CareerChanger*

      I feel the same. I work hard to manage my own biases (as we all should and must), and I’d just as soon be blissfully unaware of something like pregnancy so I can focus on the relevant information.

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    3. Saturday*

      Exactly – better not to know. Otherwise, you’re second guessing whether you’re hiring someone else because they won’t be going on leave right away – or you’re not hiring someone else because you want to make sure you’re not discriminating against the pregnant candidate. Nicer to just leave all that out of it.

      Reply ↓
    4. bamcheeks*

      Right! A good manager would be glad NOT to know because it means there is no danger of it even unconsciously influencing their decision!

      Reply ↓
    5. iglwif*

      Absolutely!

      You can want to not consider that info as much as you like, but it’s very hard to actually not think about it even a little. Much, much better not to know.

      Reply ↓
    6. bananners*

      Yes, this! OP, not that you can go back and change things, but if someone finds themselves in a similar scenario, you can just tell them “Oh, I’ve always heard from hiring managers that they prefer not to have legally protected information disclosed during the interview.” Because you did just hear it. Here.

      Reply ↓
    7. Someone Else's Boss*

      I agree with this. You shouldn’t tell a bad manager because they might misuse the information. You shouldn’t tell a good manager because they might overthink the information. Just keep it to yourself.

      Reply ↓
    8. sometimeswhy*

      This is basically what I came here to say. Twice, I’ve been a party to hiring someone who was pregnant, both times I suspected because of some things I’d observed but didn’t know for sure and never asked.

      Both interviews were close and I am so, SO glad i didn’t know ahead of time. I like to think it wouldn’t have mattered but in a close recruitment? When we were already understaffed? It was nice to not worry about over- or under-compensating, to not have that even as part of the consideration.

      Reply ↓
    9. SansaStark*

      Right? That was my first reaction, too. Please, please don’t tell me. I want to believe that I wouldn’t factor it into my decision, but when I’m already understaffed and stressed…I could see how it would creep in my head, despite how truly wrong I know that is.

      Reply ↓
  4. mbs001*

    Her job may be safe until she have the baby but in most instances, she isn’t eligible for FMLA and can then be fired when she takes unpaid leave when she has the baby.

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    1. Seashell*

      They may not have tons of candidates in a very small town, so they might find it easier to take her back rather than going through the hiring process again. Also, she may have some sick or vacation time available.

      Reply ↓
    2. OP*

      OP here. There are very few candidates at the hospital, they are already understaffed. I also got my unpaid leave in writing with my offer letter. It would be incredibly surprising if they fired me.

      Reply ↓
      1. Area Woman*

        You did everything right! It is bonkers we don’t protect pregnant women’s jobs. Like what if someone is laid off while pregnant early on, had not disclosed. Like they are supposed to just NOT WORK for a year? Most people cannot do that, and things happen even if you plan perfectly. Companies go bankrupt, etc etc.

        Good luck with everything!

        Reply ↓
    3. Beth*

      I mean, if they’re really intent on ousting her, then maybe? But that’s always true–if a company is intent on getting rid of you, they can probably find or manufacture a way to do that. But that would be a weird level of dedication for the employer to bring to this. Even people who quietly think “I wouldn’t have hired you if I’d known you’d be out on leave so soon” don’t usually extend that to “And therefore I will find a way to punish you now that I’m stuck with this situation.”

      Reply ↓
  5. JSPA*

    As you’ve pointed out, it’s also (broadly) protection for the person doing the hiring, not to disclose things that can’t legally be factored in. And anyway, you can’t know who-all-else might be in on the hiring decision, and where they fall, personally.

    “I would have loved to tell you, but didn’t want to put you in a tough spot, legally, if you went with some other candidate for unrelated reasons” should be obvious good interviewee behavior, right?

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  6. kanada*

    IDK what it is about some people that they’ll take it as a personal slight if someone doesn’t take them at their word.

    “You don’t trust me??” I don’t know you!!

    Reply ↓
    2. Ellie Rose*

      seriously! and might as well say, “if I can’t trick you into trusting me, maybe I can guilt you into it!!”

      Reply ↓
    3. Trudy's Blue Summer's Dress*

      Also, even if somehow the LW knew with 100% certainty that the new boss would be great about it, you still don’t know who else will be involved – maybe new boss needs to run the candidates by grandboss, or HR gets in the mix. There’s just no good reason to say anything and even less to get offended about it

      Reply ↓
      1. Corrupted User Name*

        This was my thought as well. A hiring manager could have all the best intentions, but they frequently don’t have the final say, or the only say in who gets hired.

        I used to be a middle manager under a director who had all kinds of unconscious biases that I had to navigate when hiring. It was awful and I could have easily had this situation. If I’d known a candidate was pregnant before they started and didn’t tell my director, he would have pitched a fit. If I told him, he would have pushed not to hire the person, at which point I’d have had to get HR involved to tell him what was and wasn’t legal and he probably would have been awful to the new hire. Honestly if someone did disclose this to me I’d “unhear” it!

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    4. OP*

      OP here. This is actually a thing I run into a lot in my small town! There’s this sort of “we’re all neighbors and looking out for each other” expectation (that obviously does not always happen in practice). So I wasn’t very surprised that this was her reaction, because I’ve seen it in other sectors as well.

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      1. cat herder*

        I feel that!! Given the small town context, it seems like her desire to be in on any townie gossip (yes, being pregnant in a small town IS gossip, lol) trumped her desire to be a sensible, professional manager. Ope, now you know, and you can keep on being your sensible professional self. And congrats on the pregnancy! :)

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    5. Ms. Murchison*

      I had a manager who insisted the fact that I didn’t immediately extend trust to her meant I wasn’t trustworthy myself. And she definitely took it as a personal insult, which colored our relationship for years.

      Reply ↓
    6. Ginger Cat Lady*

      And it’s always a one way expectation. Candidates are supposed to trust the hiring manger/company, but job candidates? They are liars. All of them.

      Reply ↓
  7. Sybil Writes*

    “A manager who takes that personally and gets upset that you didn’t “trust” her …is a manager who really isn’t that family-friendly at all. It’s not family-friendly for her to make it about herself and her feelings, … there’s a reason the law makes it clear you don’t have to disclose a pregnancy when you’re interviewing for a job.” Great response from Alison!
    Absolutely my first thought when reading letter was how ‘unfriendly’ this manager’s response was. She is taking something personally, rather than demonstrating an appreciation for the risks applicants regularly face. Remain a bit wary of this person; she’s likely to take other things personally that a good manager wouldn’t.

    Reply ↓
    1. Goldenrod*

      Agree with this! Why is this manager turning this into being all about her? And her wounded ego?

      If she were truly family-friendly (as Alison pointed out), she would demonstrate that by being fully supportive and warm…instead of icing you out over a perceived slight.

      Reply ↓
  8. Lacey*

    Yeah, she may or may not be a good manager generally, but she’s not being a good manager or family friendly to you specifically.

    And I say she may or may not be a good manager because… a lot of people have an odd habit of taking people at their word, even when their actions are to the contrary.

    For example, I worked with someone who always declared she she was so hard to upset.
    And every time she got upset, the chorus would go ’round the office, “Oh and she’s SO hard to upset, so you know it must be bad.”

    But no one seemed to notice that they were making this declaration… alot.

    Your manager declares that she’s family friendly.
    Time will tell whether that’s generally true or if your coworkers just accept her actions as family friendly because has labled them that way.

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  9. Amy*

    I’m a working mom with 3 young kids myself and even I can’t promise it wouldn’t subconsciously affect my judgment. For example, if I had two similar candidates and one would be taking an maternity leave within a few months of a start date, especially if it’s a position that’s been currently causing me coverage issues. You made the right call.

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    1. HannahS*

      I think this is such an important comment, and thank you. ALL OF US are at risk of discriminating against someone; people who do it are not all Big Bad Obvious Misogynists who twirl their mustaches and say that a woman’s place is in the kitchen. Any of us could consciously or unconsciously factor in a candidate’s pregnancy and justify it to ourselves. When you keep that kind of information private, you are helping the hiring manager avoid a legal minefield.

      The fact that this manager is miffed means that she thinks, “But *I* would never do that, because *I* am a Good Person, and the only people who do that are Bad People.” But when we think that about ourselves, we’re more likely not to question ourselves and our assumptions, and are actually MORE likely to discriminate than if we acknowledge how easy it is to slip.

      Reply ↓
      1. Mango Freak*

        Yep! And we already have comments here (from no doubt lovely people) suggesting that while wrong, the manager might have a practical reason for wanting to know. Which reflects a misunderstanding of many anti-discrimination laws!

        Not all anti-discrimination laws are about Pure Bigotry And Hatred. Some of them–and labor laws in general–are about correcting capitalist incentive. Because in the short-term, for a given company that’s understress, anyone might make the call that a pregnant person is a riskier hire than one who isn’t. (And of course, that a woman is riskier than a man, because she might GET pregnant.)

        But it’s bad for society as a whole (including the economy) if EVERYONE makes that call. Because then pregnant people, and people who look like they could get pregnant, don’t get hired. That puts large groups of people in need of aid, AND it deprives society of a swath of the labor force that could be contributing. It’s not even good for the individual employer, because it’s short-term thinking that shuts out good potential employees.

        This is all totally aside from what’s MORAL. People often treat these laws as, “these laws exist because of morality, so the problem itself must only be moral.” Both parts of that are incorrect! The discrimination isn’t just happening because people are dicks; it’s happening because normal stressed-out people are looking at applicants and going, “well, which one seems like a safer bet?”

        We have to be trained to override that impulse and make better choices. And much of the (sparse) education that happens around that is because of the law.

        Reply ↓
  10. duinath*

    yep, this is some info to tuck into your back pocket about her. this would make me less inclined to tell her things she doesn’t need to know, and more inclined to cover my ass.

    aggressively normal, and very hard to trap, that’s what i’d go for.

    Reply ↓
  11. Sloanicota*

    A, I’m sorry this happened to you, and B I think the best response to this was something like, “Oh, I’ve always gotten the advice not to talk about it in interviews since it’s not something that can be legally factored into a decision” – I’m not positive how “you never know until you know who you’re interviewing with, that the common advice is to wait, blah blah blah” might have landed. But she’s the one with the problem, not you. For some reason, “I’m angry you didn’t trust me and tell me sooner” is a common response to many disclosures (particularly coming out to your friends and family, weirdly) and I’ve always figured it’s a way of offsetting the awkwardness and discomfort the person is feeling upon learning this new information.

    Reply ↓
    1. Anon today*

      Also a common reaction to disclosing unpleasant medical news in my family! Even though I know intellectually it was a lashing-out “must discharge my negative feelings about this piece of news” reaction, which came out in a fantastically passive-aggressive way (“…So if anything happens to me; I just won’t tell YOU, then”), it still made me cry.

      “I’m just mad you didn’t tell me earlier” is kind of the worst. Someone should circulate a memo.

      Reply ↓
      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        My family has a bit of this going on and it’s kind of ridiculous.

        Mom: Judy is coming for dinner tomorrow night.
        Dad: Why didn’t you tell me? [The implication being, why didn’t you tell me sooner?]
        Mom: I’m telling you now.

        My grandmother used to do the same thing, and she was Mom’s mother, so it isn’t something my father learned from her.

        Reply ↓
    2. Saturday*

      Yeah, it’s often hard to come up with something in the moment, but I think something like, “It’s been so ingrained in me not to disclose that in an interview, that I didn’t really even consider it, but thank you for being so supportive” would maybe help move things away from the, “I didn’t know if I could trust you” interpretation.
      But either way, the boss is being weird.

      Reply ↓
    3. Beth*

      I’ve never been pregnant, but wouldn’t it also have been possible to stick to “We hadn’t started telling anyone yet, we’re just now confident enough to start sharing the news”? My understanding is that things are uncertain enough early on that a lot of people keep it to themselves until they’re past the first trimester. And surely even the most “you can trust me!” of managers would have trouble arguing that they should’ve known before the new parents’ family got told.

      Reply ↓
      1. RC*

        Not to be pedantic, but 15 weeks is already the beginning of the second trimester. :) That being said, I think there are some 20-week scans that many people may wait for just to be sure everything’s proceeding well, and it would be completely reasonable to wait until that to announce more broadly.

        Reply ↓
  13. MigraineMonth*

    It seems like your manager is having trouble seeing from your perspective. If you do feel a need to smooth it over, you might have to give a reason that works from her perspective. “I didn’t want you to have to worry about me suing for discrimination if you went with a different candidate” similar.

    It’s really not a good sign that your manager is so bad at perspective-taking.

    Reply ↓
    1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

      Another option, to reframe what the OP has already said, is something like “now that I know just how family-friendly this place is and how supportive you are, I would have told you.” Yes, I’m suggesting you lie. Basically, it’s “oh, I didn’t know how wonderful you are and that my (totally legitimate) concerns were unfounded!” (They were not unfounded).

      I’m not generally going to advise people to lie. It’s not ideal. But it sounds like this might be a situation where a little white lie that makes your boss feel good about herself might get her to calm TF down.

      Reply ↓
    2. Ms. Whatsit*

      I would not mention the possibility of my filing a discrimination law suit, even as an “so you didn’t have to worry about that”, and especially not as a brand new employee. Any time someone drops something as serious as a possible lawsuit into conversation, the dynamics really shift (it’s really a bomb throwing move). I wouldn’t blame a more reasonable manager for finding that concerning (is she saying she’d have sued for discrimination if we’d hired someone else? is she going to overreact or escalate perceived issues or fixable problems? etc.). This manager isn’t entirely reasonable.

      Reply ↓
  14. Rincewind*

    I interviewed with a couple places (and got a job!) at 30+ weeks and said nothing. I’m sure it was awkwardly obvious but I’m also a trans guy who was navigating how to present during a pregnancy.
    Only time it was a problem was when one place said they had a non-negotiable “no absence” policy for your training period. I kind of laughed awkwardly and went “well I will need some time off at the end of August-it won’t be my call.” (they didn’t hire me. no idea if the pregnancy had anything to do with it. )

    You did nothing wrong by not disclosing. Your manager needs to get over her feelings. She was a stranger to you!

    Reply ↓
  15. Trudy's Blue Summer's Dress*

    I agree that being aggressively normal is the best way to go.. as an aside i’ve never heard that phrase but it fits perfectly.

    If she’s as good a manager in general as people say then she should get over it pretty quickly..either way though that sucks to happen on your first day when there should be good vibes and excitement

    Reply ↓
  16. A large cage of birds*

    Completely agreed that OP did nothing wrong. I would do the same. You really do never know what they’ll do, even if they seem very supportive up front.

    I quit a remote job after less than 3 months partially because they made themselves sound so supportive of working moms and turned out not to be.. This is after they said “we’re all women, we all have little kids, and we’re so totally supportive of working moms.” Going out of their way to make themselves sound supportive, which may make someone feel safe enough to say something.

    At my two month evaluation they had two comments: 1) my daughter was on camera once during a meeting (I was muted and she was sitting quietly in my lap) and 2) they objected to what I had done with my 15 minute break (take a shower, definitely back at my desk within 15 minutes).

    Reply ↓
    1. Amy*

      The company may be terrible. But I think it’s also possible for a company to be supportive of working moms but also on-camera kid lap-stting being considered norm-breaking.

      Reply ↓
      1. A large cage of birds*

        They’re terrible for other reasons completely unrelated to any of this!

        You may be right. But it was a meeting where my part was over and done with very early, but I wasn’t allowed to leave or turn my camera off. I’d gotten permission to go out on the lawn and meet my daughter’s schoolbus and then run back to the meeting. 6yo kiddo was upset and crying about something. It was a new job and I wasn’t allowed to turn my camera off or leave so I thought staying in the meeting with sad child on my lap was the best move. It’s possible that I miscalculated. At my prior job if anyone’s kid or pet showed up usually someone would say “oh look we have a visitor!” and it was fine.

        But a good employer would have had a constructive conversation with me after the meeting, instead of saying absolutely nothing, and then at my two month evaluation giving me a vague speech about “even though we work from home, there are important people in those meetings and we can’t look distracted” without actually mentioning the incident, so I had to wrack my brain to even figure out what they were saying. (Same thing with the shower actually. At the time they just said “oh no problem!” and then later it was a problem.)

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        1. jez chickena*

          Sorry. I find your side of the story to be disengenuous. I saw one too many parents try to parent and WFH simultaneously, and the work always suffers. Always.

          Reply ↓
    2. Slow Gin Lizz*

      What??? How would they even know you took a shower on your break? I mean, if your hair was dripping wet, I guess they would have, but otherwise how is that *any* of their business?

      Reply ↓
      1. A large cage of birds*

        It was an offhand comment about why I didn’t respond to a Teams message right away. (We didn’t need to schedule or announce our breaks or anything.) Manager asked if I had a minute to chat and I said something like “yes! sorry I didn’t respond right away, I was in the shower.” I could have just said “stepped away from my desk”, but it didn’t even occur to me that it would be a problem.

        Reply ↓
        1. Former Gremlin Herder*

          I know you weren’t asking for advice, so take it with a grain of salt, but “sorry I didn’t respond, I was in the shower!” isn’t great to say in a work context. It was information your manager didn’t need and regardless of whether or not it impacted your work, it creates an appearance that you’re spending more of your workday on personal tasks than is appropriate.

          I promise I don’t mean to criticize, I used to work from home and absolutely took showers, worked out, or ran errands while working! I’m just trying to provide context as to why it was a problem in case that was something you were still missing-if it’s not helpful, feel free to disregard.

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  17. Madtown Maven*

    Wait a sec. The HR rep disclosed an employee’s medical condition to OP’s supervisor? Not cool.

    If I did that in my HR job I’d be fired for violating HIPAA.

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    1. Ann Perkins*

      Unless the workplace is also a covered entity under HIPAA, i.e. a health care provider, those laws wouldn’t be at play. I was in a similar situation to OP with my last kid and that’s how it worked with my process too; I disclosed after I got the offer, coordinated with HR regarding what benefits I would and would not be eligible for, and she let my manager know about the upcoming leave.

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      1. Enough*

        HIPPA is about what medical professional can reveal to others. In this case it is a hospital which must adhere to HIPPA. That said an employer disclosing their own medical information to HR is not covered by HIPPA.

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        1. Fluffy Fish*

          Yes but they are not her healthcare provider. Is it really the case that just because someplace is a healthcare facility their employees are also covered by HIPPA?

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          1. Slow Gin Lizz*

            Right, I think a HIPAA violation would be if OP’s medical provider had told the boss or HR that OP is pregnant. It’s not a HIPAA violation for HR to tell an employee’s boss that that person will need to take leave soon because they told HR that they are pregnant.

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        3. Beyond the sea*

          The OP is not receiving medical services in this instance. HIPAA covers patients info from being disclosed. In this case OP is NOT a patient.

          Reply ↓
  18. Annony*

    Not saying anything until you had an offer was the right thing to do. You absolutely have no reason to trust her at that point. However, I probably wouldn’t say that to her. I would probably say that it didn’t seem relevant or that it was still early and I wasn’t really telling many people yet if confronted.

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  19. Ellis Bell*

    It’s far too soon to know for sure, but I’d be looking for other signs going forward of this manager putting their own ego and sense of being trusted over and above OP’s actual wellbeing and comfort. Maybe I’ve just wasted too many hours in vanity meetings where managers are telling me how much they value my time, or doing free work and being pressured on Wellbeing initiatives so others can pat themselves on the back. Let’s hope this manager really did just mean ‘you can’ not that “you should”.

    Reply ↓
  20. Veryanon*

    OP, you absolutely did the right thing, but it’s extremely depressing to me in the year 2025 that we still have to have this conversation. People sometimes have to look for a job when they’re expecting a baby! That should not determine whether or not they get the job!

    Reply ↓
  21. AnnaMaria Albergetti Spaghetti*

    I would never share such personal details at the interview stage and it’s hard to imagine sharing more than you did. No one is at work to make buddies or get personal-life approval from coworkers.

    Reply ↓
  22. Zona the Great*

    “I would never tell anyone before I was ready to” with a tone of ‘of course that’s not something I’d disclose to you. What a silly notion’.

    Reply ↓
  23. RagingADHD*

    People who punish you or try to make you feel guilty with displays of their feelings are not nice, or safe. Children and teenagers (aka immature people) pout. An adult who has authority over your job is supposed to at least *act* maturely toward their employees, no matter how they feel inside. Your manager is being passive aggressive.

    Reply ↓
  24. Goldenrod*

    Agree with this! Why is this manager turning this into being all about her? And her wounded ego?

    If she were truly family-friendly (as Alison pointed out), she would demonstrate that by being fully supportive and warm…instead of icing you out over a perceived slight.

    Reply ↓
  25. Redundant*

    I totally agree with everyone here that there’s no requirement to disclose and in fact you shouldn’t. However, the fact that this is a nursing position in a small town means that their manager might be reacting – selfishly of course, but maybe understandably – for the fact that in just a few months, I’ll have to look for a nurse again. I don’t know what it’s like where the OP is, but there are terrible nursing shortages here – not just nurses but every kind of medical professional. So she may be reacting to her own headache and in fact, be a decent manager once the LP is on board.

    Reply ↓
    1. OP*

      This is an interesting take! I am working PRN, only about once a week (maybe a little less) so I shouldn’t be messing up staffing that much? My contract requirement is 16 hours/6 week period. Theoretically, I shouldn’t even *need* the time off unless the baby is born at the worst possible time (based on how signing up for shifts works). But I hadn’t considered that she’d be upset about staffing at all! Maybe so.

      Reply ↓
    2. OP*

      I should also say, she seems like a really good manager, all of this aside. And like I said in my letter, I know several people on the floor, and they all vouch that she walks the walk on all her “family friendly” stuff.

      Reply ↓
    3. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      I think your “however” is wrongly placed. Boss is probably worrying about covering for when you’re out; HOWEVER, those are her feelings to manage and she should have kept them to herself. And frankly, that makes it pretty unlikely she’ll be a good manager. She puts herself first and thinks her employees should too.

      Reply ↓
    4. NursingaWound*

      Yeah, this. My last clinical manager tried really hard to hire post menopausal women. Nursing is 95%+ women and covering a constant run of maternity leaves is one reason managers leave. Often they are not allowed to hire a temp so the rest of the staff has to “work harder”, again. Doesn’t make it right but it is understandable. My husband and I both had 50+ year working lives. I had to cover over 30 maternity leaves (double assignments, mandatory extra shifts). He never once had to cover a parental leave.

      Reply ↓
        1. Samwise*

          No it’s not. Completely possible her husband didn’t work someplace with people taking off for parental leave. Or worked for a place that hired for a temp.

          Reply ↓
          1. I'm not on a boat*

            I think the illegal thing Lizz was referring to is age discrimination: “My last clinical manager tried really hard to hire post menopausal women”.

            Reply ↓
      2. Heidi*

        25% of my working group was on maternity at the same time (2 of 8) and one was the manager. She tried to convince us that it wasn’t a burden, but the 10-15 hours of unpaid overtime each week for a couple months would say otherwise. I didn’t grumble too much because that’s just life. But when I needed emergency surgery and got pressured to 1) return before I even had a follow up with my doctor and 2) was encouraged to cancel two days off later in the month to visit an out of state parent because of the situation, it was hard to maintain empathy for others when I got none myself.

        Reply ↓
      3. Observer*

        Often they are not allowed to hire a temp so the rest of the staff has to “work harder”

        Yeah, the problem is not maternity leave. The problem is policies that make no sense. To the point that I think that it’s deliberately exploitative.

        Reply ↓
    5. DisgruntledPelican*

      There are nursing shortages everywhere because nurses are treated terribly. The problem is not the pregnant nurses, the problem is the system that refuses to hire appropriately or treat their staff well.

      Reply ↓
    6. Mango Freak*

      Well yeah, that’s why EVERY manager wants to know if employees are pregnant. It’s not irrational hatred of baby cooties, it’s that employers self-interestedly don’t want to hire people who’ll be out soon. That’s why there needed to be laws about it!

      Reply ↓
  26. A*

    In my company we are discouraged from discussing any personal details that relate to protected status with candidates

    Because we are NOT ALLOWED to use it to make our decisions they really don’t want us to know these things and we’re instructed to brush them off (possibly even saying we don’t ask for or discuss these things as part of our hiring decision) and getting back to the interview

    Why does she need to know before you’re hired? Only if it would change her decision. But it’s illegal to do that! So you’re doing her a favor not putting her in that situation.

    Reply ↓
  27. Unauthorized Plants*

    A colleague at my first gig out of school who was kinder than almost anyone I have ever met before or since was so genuinely interested in people he would innocently ask questions that should never be asked of candidates (think small talk about their families, whether they were local, etc.), simply because humans and their connections/relationships was genuinely something he delighted in–and in interview situations this drove me NUTS. He had no agenda other than getting to know a candidate as a person, his influence in the hiring process was limited, and he would have been totally gracious if someone figured out how to sidestep his questions, but how on earth would the candidate know that?! We tried so hard to convey “good gravy you can’t ask that, even if there’s no wrong answer, we shouldn’t KNOW those answers” and he just couldn’t turn it off.

    Reply ↓
    1. cubone*

      reminds me of a similar colleague I had who asked a candidate with such genuine interest: “your last name is so unique, where is it from?!”

      The gasp of our HR partner on the panel was hilarious

      Reply ↓
      1. bananners*

        During my interview for a job when I was 25, the upper-level admin (AVP at a university) actually said during my interview, “I mean, how old ARE you?” One of the other interviewers called her out and said “You can’t ask that!”

        The irony is that I found out – YEARS later – that the interviewer who called out the AVP had told the hiring manager not to hire me because I already had one kid and I would undoubtedly have more and leave him in the lurch.

        Reply ↓
    2. OP*

      Yeah, it doesn’t make it okay, obviously, but I genuinely think she cares about the people on her staff and that her hurt is genuine (but again, inappropriate, not making excuses for her at all).

      Reply ↓
    3. Ms. Murchison*

      Such an important thing to emphasize in interview prep. There are some things that you would feel fine asking when making small talk at a party that _must_ be avoided in an interview, if only because you want to impress upon the candidate that you know where the lines are and care about boundaries and legal protections.

      Reply ↓
      1. Anonymous Coward*

        I wish I’d been prepped the first time I (in my mid-twenties, at a tech startup that was scaling up) was asked to sit in on an interview! I made small talk and asked the candidate how old her kids were, since she’d mentioned taking some time out of the workforce to have them. My (not super astute with humans) supervisor flinched and redirected, but I didn’t know what I’d done wrong until afterward.

        Reply ↓
    4. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

      Someone with that much of an inability to rein themself in would just not get to be on interview panels where I work. It’s one thing to do it by accident once, but after someone’s told you what not to do…

      Reply ↓
  28. Allison*

    I am not entirely sure what it means to have “small town values,” but I don’t think that automatically equates to family friendly any more than “city values” would not be family friendly. I fear this managers judgement is suspect.

    Reply ↓
    1. OP*

      The “small town values” thing really does exist (with good parts and bad parts). There are essentially no businesses open on Sundays, everywhere shuts down early (basically no bars open past 10PM). Almost everywhere is closed for major holidays, to give employees time with their families, etc. Even the hospital has a 7AM-3PM option (not common in my experience at other hospitals), so that parents can pick their kids up from school. Of course, there are downsides- these are also the types of companies to give Christmas hams instead of bonuses, and logo onesies instead of parental leave.

      Reply ↓
      1. Arrietty*

        Personally I’d consider everywhere closing on Sunday a downside too. When I read “small town values”, especially in an American context, I mentally insert the word “Christian” and I’m rarely wrong.

        Reply ↓
        1. not nice, don't care*

          Same. I hear that and expect racism and homophobia. I have experience moving from a large diverse city to one of those small towns with values. I knew the culture, but to have to live in it was disgusting. And all those folks considered themselves good people.

          Reply ↓
  30. Llama Llama*

    I once helped hire someone to be the second manager in my position. They were to start in October and in January our work was doubling as we were acquiring a second equally sized company. The first several months were going to be even more work because… transitions.

    The first day she started, she announced she was pregnant and having her baby in January. Luckily for her my work still paid her for 16 weeks of maternity leave. Unluckily for me, they didn’t get me a temp or someone to help (training would have been hard blah blah blah). So I had to do the transition myself and it sucked a lot more than I had even estimated
    (Lots of things weren’t as simple as they claimed they would be….).

    My department manager was miffed that she hadn’t said anything while interviewing (didn’t say anything to her though). Honestly I didn’t blame new gorl. While I like to think I would be unbiased with that knowledge, I also knew that she wouldn’t be there at an extremely critical timeframe and it would negatively effect me, a lot.

    (Ultimately, I had a breakdown at month 3 and magically they got me someone and new girl was just moved to a new department).

    Reply ↓
    1. jez chickena*

      I was on a hiring team for a role that was to run a large and important event. Our hire was pregnant (didn’t disclose), and the event was previously scheduled during her maternity leave. It was a MESS.

      Reply ↓
  31. What_the_What*

    LW, I think this is where things went wrong, “I responded with the usual stuff about how you never know until you know who you’re interviewing with, that the common advice is to wait, blah blah blah.” This implied to your manager that it was a “trust” issue, when saying, “well we weren’t sharing news of the pregnancy that early yet, in case of complications.” That says, “I didn’t fail to disclose to you; I wasn’t telling people yet until we were past the common danger period.” Not saying you had to explain yourself at all, but if she brings it up again, maybe try to move away from “I was afraid you wouldn’t hire me since I didn’t know you,” to “I was afraid to jinx myself.” Just a thought.

    Reply ↓
    2. OP*

      I hear what you are saying, but… I still don’t think I should’ve had to walk on eggshells that much with a very normal hiring interaction. If I could go back and do it over again I would probably do that, though.

      Reply ↓
      1. renata ricotta*

        Agree – your response was totally fine! In retrospect you might have finessed it a bit to make it even clearer that it wasn’t about not trusting her, but these things are never scripted to perfection.

        Reply ↓
      2. Samwise*

        Nah, I think saying what you said made it clear to the manager that **she should know better**.

        She can feel however she wants to. She needs to be professional and keep it to herself.

        Reply ↓
      3. What_the_What*

        Oh not trying at ALL to imply you did anything wrong! I think she’s overreacting. But just saying, she seems sensitive to the implication of distrust and that might have been a way to sidestep that. All in hindsight, of course.

        Reply ↓
  32. if stuff starts popping off I can't leave*

    In theory yes, you should be able to not disclose stuff like pregnancy during the hiring process here and it won’t be weird or used against you, or anything like that, even with the law being on your side.

    In reality–it’s medicine. Not only is it medicine, it’s nursing. In a small, rural hospital. There is still A LOT of stuff going on in medicine and nursing in particular (especially as far as “work/life balance” is concerned) that shouldn’t happen but does. Coming to work when sick, for starters. Not really being able to take your PTO either because the place is so short-staffed or there’s just a culture of no one taking their PTO. Your workplace calling you relentlessly when you do take PTO, because someone else has called out again (short-staffed!) and they want you to come in. Even if you’re 500 miles away. Or at a funeral. Or at your own funeral. Or on the operating table for your appendix surgery.

    I’m not saying this to rag on the OP or anything, but to offer some possible context for why their boss and HR got weird about the disclosure and its timing. There’s a severe nursing shortage–that will only get worse for reasons beyond salary or patient-on-nurse violence. And that isn’t the LW’s problem to solve. But between that acute crisis, the post-COVID hellscape we live in, and the general “we still eat our young, don’t call out sick, don’t take PTO, hell no you still don’t get your lunch break during your shift, etc” culture that is nursing, yeah it definitely isn’t surprising that both the boss and HR feel entitled to this information.

    Again, they aren’t entitled to it, by law! And just common courtesy. And their feelings aren’t the LW’s responsibility. Just because a field has a particular culture doesn’t mean that’s okay. There are attempts to change the culture in nursing but they’re slow, like any deep sea change.

    Hopefully this is just a weird little blip to get through and then by like the 6-month mark (or sooner), the OP will have totally forgotten about it. Because let’s be real–they’re a nurse filling a hole in the schedule and they aren’t currently threatening to go to their union rep about anything. So like, they have a lot of power. And their boss and HR know it (assuming neither one is stupid).

    Reply ↓
    1. OP*

      Hi! This is a really interesting perspective, because… that has actually not been my experience in nursing at all. I worked through the pandemic, have worked at multiple hospitals and have never had boundary problems. PTO has never been discouraged, they’ve never called me when I’ve been on PTO (if I am just not scheduled that’s different), none of my older nurses ever “ate their young”. We always had staffing issues (sometimes severe) but everyone was respectful. Now that I’m on the floor I’m on, staffing doesn’t seem to be a huge problem? Of course there are holes to fill, but no more than pre-COVID. I’m sorry your experience hasn’t been that way! I think maybe it threw me because I’ve had good experiences by and large with hospitals.

      Reply ↓
      1. if stuff starts popping off I can't leave*

        Woot, that’s awesome :-D I was following some of your other comments and yeah, it’s working out well which is great!

        Reply ↓
  33. I Choose the Bear*

    This is exactly why you did the right thing by not disclosing. She 100% would have engaged in illegal discrimination. I hope that otherwise it is a good place to work and this is only a small blip.

    Reply ↓
  34. CubeFarmer*

    EL-OH-EL. Oh, suuuuure she wouldn’t have behaved any differently if she knew you were pregnant when you were interviewing.

    One wonders if she’s discriminating NOW by being hostile after your pregnancy announcement. The way that the HR rep handled it makes me 100 percent certain that they would have passed on your application if they had known that you were pregnant before the offer was made.

    Reply ↓
  35. Yankees fans are awesome!!*

    I dealt with a rude and sarcastic jackass just today, OP – although not in the same context – and god I hate that. I agree hard with RIP Pillowfort up top: your situation is exactly why the law is needed. Congratulations on your pregnancy and your new job!

    Reply ↓
  36. Southern Violet*

    Hm if that company was actually family friendly they wouldnt be upset you didnt disclose private medical information. Sounds like they wouldnt have hired you had they known – which is why you dont tell. I’d keep your eyes peeled about their leave policies and other potential problems.

    Reply ↓
  37. Kella*

    It’s clear you already have your head on straight about this topic, but another way to think about it who disclosing benefits and why. It doesn’t really benefit you, the job candidate, to disclose your pregnancy. At best, you may get precursory confirmation that you’ll be able to get the leave you need, but there’s no guarantee that they’ll commit to offering that later. Whereas for the employer, they get the benefit of taking that variable into account in their staffing and (illegally) avoiding staffing outages down the line by skipping those candidates.

    In this case, it sounds like the benefit your manager actually missed out on was feeling like she’s a Good & Ethical Manager™ who Cares About Families, and that this was an unpleasant reminder that no matter how much you market yourself as ethical and equitable, you still have to back that up with action before people will trust you.

    Reply ↓
  38. Brevity*

    I agree with Alison and everyone else here, of course; but honestly, my first thought was, you weren’t even at 20 weeks when you interviewed! My husband and I didn’t even tell our *parents* we were pregnant until after 20 weeks.

    For goodness’ sake. This is a hospital you’re working for. You’d think the manager would have some sense.

    Reply ↓
  39. Mango Freak*

    I feel like the only response is “Oh, why would I have mentioned it?”

    There are all sorts of things you didn’t say about your personal life in your interview. Why do you bring up this totally random one?

    Reply ↓
  40. For What It's Worth*

    It drives me nuts that there is still some weird stigma around pregnant people in the hiring process. While it’s equally disturbing that a similar stigma exist for people with disabilities, at least there is some weird logic (albeit gross) that the disability is lifelong. Pregnancy is such a short-lived part of life that there isn’t even any weird or gross logical to care about as an employer. Its just so short-sited – you have an opportunity to hire the best fit for the job, but you don’t want to because they’re going to miss a fraction of their overall career to fulfill perhaps the most fundamental purpose of human existence? Makes no sense at all to me.

    Nonetheless, an employer should be grateful for candidates that don’t disclose pregnancy or disability during the hiring process. I they don’t know about a candidate’s pregnancy/disability and don’t hire them, it makes it much easier to defend against a discrimination claim because they didn’t even know about it. It’s also why I have discouraged social media searches for hiring managers. They might find out information that they can’t unknow and that can be a liability for them.

    Reply ↓

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