open thread – April 4, 2025

by Alison Green on April 4, 2025

It’s the Friday open thread!

The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on any work-related questions that you want to talk about (that includes school). If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to take your questions to other readers.

* If you submitted a question to me recently, please do not repost it here, as it may be in my queue to answer.

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  1. Taxi*

    I’m going to grad school full time in the fall and need to quit my full-time job in higher ed(which… I’ve wanted to quit for a while regardless). While the smart financial decision would be to keep my job until August, I so badly want to quit now. The plan was to get a part time job (which I would keep when I start school in the fall) and then quit, but even the time it’s taking to get a part time job is driving me crazy at work. Is it crazy to just… quit with nothing lined up? I can technically afford it (as long as I do get a part time job within a few months), but it feels like I’m making a terrible life choice despite that.

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    1. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

      Just hang in there unless you are in a super toxic situation where your mental health is in danger. Everything in the US is about to get a lot more expensive, and you’re going to want every bit of savings you can get as a cushion.
      Also, not sure if this is a consideration, but your job probably provides health insurance right now–use the next few months to get all your checkups, etc. so you’re in a good place when you do move to a part time job/grad school.
      If it helps, maybe don’t wait all the way until August, but instead give yourself a couple of weeks between quitting and starting class in the fall as a vacation? Then you have something to look forward to?

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      1. CTT*

        Seconding your last paragraph. I took a month off between ending work and starting law school and it was the best decision I made.

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      2. AnotherOne*

        ditto this. if you are on meds, getting 3 month scripts and organizing it so you get one last shipment as close to when you lose insurance as possible. stuff like that.

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          1. Looking for work*

            This. After being furloughed but before I lost my health insurance, I scheduled all my regular appointments and told providers what was going on. They were super helpful and supportive so I could make the most of my coverage.

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      3. SweetCider*

        Assigning you’re in the US, look at the health insurance carefully. It’s pretty common that insurance will remain active until the last day of the month. use that strategically. for instance, depending on your company policies, if you’re last day is July 25, insurance probably ends July 31. But if your last day is Aug 1 you’ll have insurance until Aug 31.

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      4. Julie*

        As for health insurance, don’t a lot of full-time university students have the option of health insurance via the school instead of via the employer?

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    2. DisneyChannelThis*

      Quit. Take time off. Get your ducks in a row. Grad school will be strenuous and time consuming, give yourself the most advantage and start well rested. Also get all your annual appointments out of the way before it: oil change, tire rotation, physical, eye exam, derm/allergy/womens if applicable.

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        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I told my brother to get all his medical appointments done before quitting (he hadn’t decided for sure yet but was pondering options) and two days later he was in the ED for an emergency appendectomy.

          Me, on picking him up from the hospital: “You know, when I said get all your medical stuff done first, that wasn’t what I meant.”
          Him: “You can’t say I didn’t listen to you.”

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        2. Ghubur*

          This is how I knew my direct report was quitting before their PIP was up – suddenly they were at every appointment under the sun after never taking time off.

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      2. Reluctant Mezzo*

        And vaccines, before RFK Jr. makes them all go away (he is actually closing vaccination clinics in Texas, so caring about measles epidemics are not on his to-do list).

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    3. FuzzFrogs*

      I think the core question is, which will set you up better for grad school? Working this job, and saving up more money? Or, taking the time off to rest and reset?

      This could be so different depending on what your graduate degree requires–is it networking-heavy where you might want a lil extra money to go out with people, are you going to be holed up in a library/laboratory a lot of the time, and what “full-time” means here. (classes, study groups, practicums, internships, TA work–is all of that going to be more than 40 hours a week, on top of a part-time job?)

      Find out what gets you further towards your grad school goals, not just what makes you happy right now. IF the answer is “being free of this bullshit for a few months and getting my sanity back,” then I would personally quit; that’s good enough. But make sure you know how it’s going to play into your grad school success.

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    4. CubeFarmer*

      Yes, hang on. August is 12 weeks away–barely a semester. Start a countdown calendar!

      If you ask me, the economy is going to be in for a wild ride in 2025. Having contingency is a good thing.

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      1. Seashell*

        My kid made me a paper chain countdown, and it was fun to rip a piece everyday. (Google paper chain countdown, if anyone has no idea what I mean.)

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    6. Taxi*

      Some relevant details, I’m not on work health insurance (under 26) and June is our incredibly stressful busy season

      Reply ↓
      1. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

        In that case, do what Taxi suggested, and peace out around Memorial Day. That gets you two more months of savings, avoids your busy season, and an actual summer break.

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    7. Charley*

      I took June and July off before grad school (quit my real job and nannied part time) and it really helped me to have time to get my life together (and finally learn how to drive). That said, this was 2 years ago when economic conditions were different.

      If you can give yourself at least 2 weeks or so I would.

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    8. Hyaline*

      I think how crazy this is depends on your safety net. If you can comfortably live for a few months without a job, and health insurance isn’t going to be a problem, and you won’t be scraping by living on ramen, it could be worth it to have more of your attention devoted to job seeking for that part time gig. But if it’s not going to be absolutely guaranteed comfortable living to support that job search, I’d bet dollars to donuts that you’d be just as stressed by your finances as you are by balancing job searching and your current job.

      Would taking a couple weeks off be an option? Or days here and there that you can devote to your job search and general life transitioning?

      It’s also not all or nothing. You are 100% allowed to make, say, end of this semester your end point, too, or mid-summer instead of August. You can give yourself a break before grad school starts–but that break maybe doesn’t have to start now.

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    9. AnotherOne*

      and I think this goes without saying but if you are in the US and depending on the grad program you are supposed to be starting in the fall, I would wait just in case of changes to the program, acceptances, etc.

      Obviously that is more likely in STEM-related fields, but right now I imagine there is the potential for any department to be impacted.

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      1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        Yikes, good point, especially if your tuition waiver/TA/whatever was written into someone’s grant.

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    10. Retired Professor*

      I quit in June before going to grad school. I meant to work until August but I just couldn’t get excited about another busy season at work and my heart wasn’t in it. I had a good amount of savings and a part time job lined up for fall. But I did risk two months without Healthcare. It probably wasn’t wise but it was great for my mental health and I started grad school very energized.

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    11. EA*

      I vote for hanging in there for at least two more months and then taking two months off before school.

      In the meantime, if you’re in higher ed you probably have decent benefits (hopefully!), so take advantage of them now. Use your health insurance and take your PTO strategically.

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    12. Beth*

      It’s not always stupid to quit with nothing lined up, but when 1) you need some kind of income within a few months, 2) you’re already finding that it’s taking ages to find a job, and 3) the economy is only getting more and more uncertain, it’s probably not your best option. I don’t think you can bet on finding a part-time job quickly right now.

      I sympathize with needing to quit and not being able to for financial reasons–I spent most of last year in that position, and it absolutely sucked. But honestly, it’s been easier to recover from the residual stress and bad coping mechanisms I adapted to deal with working there, than it would’ve been to recover from 8 months without pay. (That’s how long it took me to finally get a new job.) For me, staying was the right choice.

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    13. Pickles*

      I would say get the best part time job you can that you would be willing to stay at because it might be hard to get a grad school job in the fall if that was your plan

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    14. April Alter Ego*

      Do a trial run financially first. For a month re route your entire paycheck into an emergency fund and see how it feels to not have income for a bit. It will either be easy and make you realize you can, or it will make your recognize the value of extra money and let you keep the job longer with the sole fulfillment being money.

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    15. Green Goose*

      Would the job be more bearable if you could do it remotely? If yes, maybe in a month or two you could give your notice but stipulate that you’ll need to do your notice period remotely.

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    16. Not The Earliest Bird*

      Just be sure that your grad program is going to continue to exist. I know two people who have had their grad programs flat out cancelled in the last week- and not even offers to transfer into something else, just sorry, we’re rescinding your acceptance and good luck with your life. Due to all of the dumpster fire actions going on in the US.

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    17. GoForIt*

      Take the time off! It’s rare you get opportunities to take extended periods of time off, and if you can afford it, it can be great for your mental health and just plain fun. It’s not crazy at all. I’ve quit my job to travel, with no other job lined up, and had no problem getting another job once I came back. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Life is precious and none of us know how long we have, and there’s more to life than working. If there’s anything you’ve always wanted to do, maybe this is the time to do it! :)

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    18. Emily Byrd Starr*

      You could work part time while going to graduate school. That’s what I did (at least for my first year and a half of grad school, before I had to quit work because of the pandemic).

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  2. Tech Help?*

    I work in various databases that are all different. My boss wants everything I do to be in a Google Doc, so she can see/review/edit it before I submit. This is annoying to me. The database has all sorts of things that like pop-up questions coming from prior questions, checkboxes/radio dials, character limits etc., plus different fonts, spaces, line justification etc. The last one I produced was 12 pages of formatted text. Worse, the databases can often be exported as a PDF (so I could enter it all, export for her review, then submit with approval), but she doesn’t want it as a PDF. I have tried converting PDF to google doc but if you know, you know – the formatting issues often make this basically worse than just copy-pasting and reformatting every line. I don’t think I can push back on my boss – she’s clear that she wants what she wants. Are there any tips from savvy folks about how to make this faster? I think I’m spending at least several hours on every single form I complete, *just* trying to get it into a decent looking document, leaving insufficient time for the actual content. I have to do at least 2-3 per week, sometimes more. I missed a line this week and caused myself a lot of grief. Help??

    Reply ↓
    1. DisneyChannelThis*

      I’m a little unclear. Is your boss telling you to stop using the database and just work in google docs? Or is the database not created/maintained by you and you just are pulling information out of it then she’s making edits on google doc and you’re inputting them back into the external database?

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      1. Tech Help?*

        First she wants me to create a template document in google docs that shows what info will be in the database, so she and others can add thoughts/notes. Then she wants me to keep the final info updated so the google doc will show exactly what is in the portal before I submit. Any tricks and tips to go from a PDF to a google doc accurately and cleanly would be helpful.

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        2. DisneyChannelThis*

          Oh so they want parallel editing/tracking that’s so frustrating !

          I know you said pdf import to google drive hasn’t worked for your formatting, what about doing adobe export to word doc then importing the word doc to google drive or another iterative combination? I know my adobe has export to like 20 things including html…. Maybe one of them would be readable by google drive

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          1. Tech Help?*

            You know maybe I should try this, it’s possible it would produce a better-looking word doc that doesn’t have weird columns and page breaks and stuff all over the place. The font issues are the least of it really, obviously those I can just fix at the end.

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        3. Matt*

          Do you have access to the full Adobe Acrobat. Using the export/convert option from pdf to word/excel is probably your best bet. If that doesn’t work, it’s unlikely you’ll find anything better on the conversion front I’m afraid.

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    3. Samwise*

      I don’t know of any shortcuts or ways to speed this up.

      Keep track of how much additional time this is taking you. Present the info to your boss.

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      1. Tech Help?*

        Lol she knows. She said “I realize this extra step can be annoying, but I just can’t read PDFs!”

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        1. Manchmal*

          Maybe she just needs to be shown the “full screen” button? Or is it a font size issue? Would hard copy work? I wonder if you spelled out how many hours per week you are putting in to just formatting stuff for her review she would try to think about other possibilities?

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          1. Tech Help?*

            I think she also “needs” to be able to put in comments/edits/revise the text at will if she sees things she doesn’t like. I have suggested the google doc just have the big text blocks, which I’m sure are where most of these edits are occurring, but she doesn’t seem very satisfied with that suggestion.

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            1. Neither Here Nor There*

              I don’t know what the PDF looks like, but you can do basic line editing in PDFs, as long as there’s text you can select. And if you can’t, you can leave comments everywhere, draw on the PDF, and highlight things! I realize she probably just hates PDF and likes Google Docs and doesn’t care if the two formats are completely incompatible, but it’s possible PDF could theoretically do what she needs it to, if she were willing…?

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              1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

                PDF edits are an absolute pain in the patootie. I too want to get docs in a format that’s super easy to use for in-line markup and resent being sent a PDF for markup if it’s something that’s in an early form.

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        2. Strive to Excel*

          OH MAI GAWD.

          The petty person in me wants to say “sounds like a skill issue”. The less petty business-appropriate part of me wants you to track exactly how much time this is taking you and keep that in her face.

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          1. Tech Help?*

            It makes more sense if you think of it as a collaborative document. My main issue is I’m pretty senior in my field of filling out databases so I really think I should be able to fill it out without so much collaboration.

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        3. Cookie Monster*

          So, right now she just thinks it’s annoying. That’s not even the problem. The problem is how time-consuming it is. Even if you LOVED doing it (lol), she needs to know exactly how many hours a week this is taking you. Be really specific. And just present it like “I know we’ve talked about this, but I just wanted to make sure you were aware that merely transferring the content (not working on the content, just transferring it), is taking me X hours per week, which means I don’t have time to get Y and Z. Just wanted to run this by you to make sure this is an okay use of my time.”

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          1. Joielle*

            This! If she wants to pay you to copy and paste things from one place to another, that’s her business. She just needs to know that’s what’s happening. If you were to find this wildly mind numbing and decide to quit, I wouldn’t blame you, but the first step is to get on the same page about what she’s asking and what the time commitment is.

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        5. H*

          Wild idea in this day and age, but have you tried the old school pen and paper? Could you just print out a .pdf of what’s in your database and ask her to write comments on it to incorporate?

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      2. not nice, don't care*

        This is where I’m at with my job. We’ve had cuts, more are on the horizon, but we need to spend our time doing what Shelob demands, no matter how stupid. It’s going to suck when people get canned for not being essential enough due to this person demanding ridiculous things.

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    4. NovaJumps*

      Does your company have any IT or Cyber Security protocols? They may not want you exporting company info into a separate system like this. May be worth looking into because then you would have something to reference on why you shouldn’t do this.

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    5. Stuart Foote*

      Can you ask your boss for help? Maybe she knows an easy workaround. I see why she wants this but it seems super frustrating.

      In one of my first jobs out of college I had to input information from a production schedule into an excel sheet…and some of the information could only be seen by hovering over a link. It took forever and was super boring. I feel your pain.

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      1. Tech Help?*

        Yeah and I have major issues with putting off/avoiding boring tasks already, so this is killing me rn.

        Reply ↓
    6. RagingADHD*

      If you have Acrobat Pro, I find the export to Word to be quite good, as long as you are dealing with formatted text rather than something with tons of nested tables or publisher-style layout.

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    7. Synaptically Unique*

      You can export to Word, make formatting marks visible, and run find & replace to fix much of it. Definitely Google how to clean up formatting errors in Word. There are lots of tutorials. PDF likes to add line breaks and text boxes that don’t translate well, but you can probably get the formatting down to 15 minutes or less with the right combination of actions.

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    8. Mutually Supportive*

      is it possible that your Boss doesn’t know how to make comments on a PDF, and that if she can be shown how to add markups to the PDF document then that would solve her problem for her?

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      1. Tech Help?*

        I don’t think so, I pushed back a little hard already and she was really, really clear what she wants/needs. And it is technically my job to do what she says. She is not interested in changing a process that works well for her. Plus, she says this is always the way she has done it. I did ask if she had any tips for this exact thing and she said she just copy-pasted it line by line out of the database and into the google doc and that it was a little annoying. I’ve kind of used up all the capital I have for this.

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        1. Molly the cat*

          A couple of basic things that you’re likely already doing, but just in case:

          How are you switching back and forth between the google doc and the database? If you’re not already using Alt + Tab to switch between the two and using Windows key + arrow keys to snap the windows to half a screen, that might help.

          Also, if part of the issue is that formatting is inconsistent and gets screwed up, Ctrl + Shift + V to paste without formatting might help. Or if you copy it into a plaintext editor like Notepad or Sublime Text in between the database and the google docs, that will clear the formatting.

          And there’s also keyboard shortcuts you can use to make it faster to highlight text (Shift + arrow keys, Ctrl + Shift + arrow keys to highlight individual words at a time, etc.)

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    9. Josephine Beth*

      Are you my coworker?? We are dealing with almost this identical situation. No idea how to help, but you have my sympathies!

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    11. Not your trauma bucket*

      Is it possible to reverse the workflow? Create an intake form type doc that includes all the information you’d put into the database, have her review, THEN put it into the database? I imagine you’ve probably already looked into that, but throwing it out there just in case.

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      1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        That’s what I was thinking too. Draft the content to ~30% or 50% (some stage of not-yet-done that your boss agrees is the right point for input), have the input/review, get the signoff that this is what they want, set it up in the database, take screenshots and put those back into the Google Doc as the temporary record of where it landed until you have time to do the convert/copy/paste dance. They’d still be able to comment on the images if need be, just not line edit.

        I hear the frustration that they then want the final form back in a Google Doc. I can also think of that as providing the starting doc for the next round of revisions on that same form. If that’s the case then it’s a time-saver as far as working within their preferences.

        I’m also wondering how much actual variety comes up between forms. Do you have some standard dropdowns you can copy/paste from the Google Doc for another form? Forms don’t strike me as the kind of thing that should involve a bunch of free-range creative writing, without knowing what field or types of data you’re working with. If you’ve agreed in advance that the llama equipment list will be sorted in alphabetical order, they don’t need to mark that up. You have specs for each data/field type they agree to early.

        Probably all things you’ve thought of and tried.

        Sympathies from someone who finds it hard not to do one last little “perfecting it just a bit more” edit if someone sends me a document. I’m working on it. This makes me realize that this isn’t just about all the processes–this is about whether you and your boss use the same kind of thinking about the forms and how they’re worded, sequence of information, etc.

        If you find they’re doing a lot of markup, do you adjust for the next one to try to sync up? Do you track and discuss differences in your approaches? If they’re not consistent do you help them recognize that and get to an agreed-upon standard approach for an element? If they just like their words better than yours they need to give you those words early, not late, and starting with the Google Doc feels even better.

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    12. MSD*

      Having word convert a PDF is useless. As you said the formatting outcome is horrible. I googled “free pdf to word conversion” and there are a lot of options. Some aren’t really free (although monthly costs were low) but I did find one. They are browser based so you don’t have to install anything. I don’t know what Word’s deal is that it does such a crummy job converting PDFs, but like I said, the output is pretty much ready for the trash.

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      1. Nonagon*

        What format are the databases in and what are you recording/editing?

        PDF is designed to be a final reading first, not an intermediary – almost anything else would be better than trying to make it work. Depending on what you’re working with, CSVs, Power Queru, or other Microsoft tools like Sharepoint or Power Automate might be viable

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    13. Allright, before the flying monkeys attack*

      I know a job is a job, but if they want to ’approve before you submit’, you give them the admin to every database ’to submit’ and remove yourself from admin. They will ”pound sand” sooner than you think.

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    14. Quinalla*

      Wow, this sounds frustrating! Based on your other responses, you really can’t push back so I would just make sure boss knows how much TIME this is taking. Sounds like they just acknowledged it is annoying, but they may not know how much time it takes vs. exporting a pdf.

      Also, if you can convince boss to try a pdf again, get bluebeam. You can set up sessions to edit documents by multiple people and it has great markup capabilities. It is AMAZING!

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    15. Girasol*

      Can you quantify the difference in cost between what you’re doing and what you recommend should be done? Doing this the hard way must be costing your employer.

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  3. MadFed*

    Seriously considering taking the DRP/Fork 2.0 and I hate it so much. It feels like they’re winning, but it’s just so miserable here. I have a good shot at another job, plus another fallback if that doesn’t work, and my severance would be a pittance if I get fired, so it makes financial sense and mental health sense… but I hate it.

    Shout out to all the feds across the government who got RIFfed or put on admin leave or otherwise treated like crap by the administration. I’m so sorry this is happening to you, to us, and to the American people.

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    1. National Nomad*

      Omigosh, if you can get another job, please take it! Think of this way, even if you don’t ultimately get DOGEd, maybe you’re freeing up a spot in your current role for another Fed with fewer options.

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      1. AnotherOne*

        and honestly, the general feeling right now is that jobs are precious commodities. so if you have an probable opportunity and a fall back plan go for it.

        i’m not a gov’t worker, but honestly no one can judge you making that call. (and those that will aren’t worth the conversation.)

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    2. It's Me. Hi.*

      You have to do what’s best for you! Sending you literally all the good vibes and all our Fed workers!!!

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    3. Fed for now*

      Solidarity, fellow fed! My agency is offering DRP 2.0 but my job code is in the exempt category so it’s not an option for me. No one knows whether that means we’ll be exempt from a RIF though. It is a mess, we’re all expecting a wave of departures from the retiring-anyway crowd, the remote workers who wouldn’t have taken the job if it were in-office and aren’t going to relocate for no real reason, and the early career feds. It’s obviously going to disproportionately affect our colleagues who need telework as an accommodation – the way they’re being treated is criminal (in the colloquial sense, although I believe there are numerous pending lawsuits).

      I’m mostly disappointed by how quickly and passively the upper management is falling in line – if they pushed back at all, it wasn’t obvious to us despite the havoc that it’s wreaking on people’s lives. We just get “we’re unhappy with this too but hey, you’ll have people in the office to commiserate with,” which is just … As far as I know, we haven’t heard about consequences of, say, not showing up to the office every day. Actually, we haven’t heard much of anything at all; updates might be given verbally in a meeting but when asked to put it in writing, one of the directors said they wouldn’t commit to emailing about anything, ostensibly because the guidance from above changes so frequently.

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    4. Jenny*

      No shame in taking it! Round is more legit than round 1.

      I’m almost 16 years in with the Feds and almost 46. So my severance would be higher than DRP. And, so far-knock on wood, my job seems safe-ish. But for a lot of people DRP is a better option, especially with healthcare. I don’t think you keep that with severance.

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    5. Strive to Excel*

      Don’t think of it as them winning. They win if you’re miserable, just like any other toxic company. You know the saying about wrestling in mud with pigs? Take the money, get out, and enjoy your well earned peace.

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      1. Pine Tree*

        Seconding this. Do what you need to do for your own financial security and mental health. If the DRP 2.0 makes sense for you, take it and don’t look back! And agree with the commentor above that this time DRP seems more legit. There’s no looming shutdown where it’s unclear whether they can pay out the admin leave.

        They are not winning, they are screwing over the country for their own benefit, but that doesn’t mean you have to let them take you down with everything else. You are winning by getting OUT.

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        1. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

          Yes this. We need you to be okay so you can keep up the good fight from wherever you are – you have skills and knowledge that will be invaluable. I think it’s more important for you to be in a place where your finances & mental health are stable enough for you to access those skills & knowledge to intervene for good whenever the opportunity presents itself, than to stay in a job where there might be more opportunities to do good BUT you can’t take advantage of them because you’re stuck in “freeze” mode.

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    6. Seamyst*

      As a research administrator I work with some Feds; one in particular is likely going to take the retirement deal and I’m rooting for her to do it! As others have said, if you’re miserable and you have other options, get out while you can and get as good a deal as you can.

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  4. cabbagepants*

    My job recently moved from hybrid (1-2 days WFH/week) to full time in office. When I am home I take many short breaks to hang out with my pets, go out to my garden, brief tidying, etc. It makes an enormous difference to my mental health that carries over to the entire week and not just the days I WFH.

    Being full time in office, I am understimulated to the point of madness and it is impacting my entire week. Overall my office is a decent place, with my own cubicle and not too much noise, but it is a very dreary office indeed. I am surrounded by gray or beige walls. If I go outside I am met with parking lots. My work itself is very “cerebral,” with lots of Excel and similar. After a day of this, I am so mentally foggy that it’s all I can do to collapse in front of the TV with a load of junk food. It’s even impacting my sleep.

    People who are full time in office, how to you keep from going completely mad? This is not rhetorical! I like my job and don’t want to quit.

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    1. RTOer*

      I put up lots of photos and prints of art and nature. And I even took a photo of some trees and got it printed in a 2×3 size so it looks like of like a window. I have other coworkers who have houseplants in the office. That and getting outside, even if it’s just in the parking lot, and walking the halls when I can.

      It’s not much, but it helps some!

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      1. Sloanicota*

        Houseplants were huge for my last cube farm, and I deliberately put them places that blocked the sightlines of my more annoying fellow cubedwellers.

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      2. Moths*

        Reiterating the getting outside whenever possible. Even if you’re walking around the parking lot or, even better if possible, around the block. Getting outside is good, but the physical activity outside is what makes a difference for me. Otherwise, just solidarity. I’ve also struggled with being back in office 5 days. For me it was the small things I was able to do at home to keep up on things and prepare for the evening/next day. As a full-time single parent of two young kids not having any time at home without them there makes it difficult to keep up and I feel like I’m slowly drowning in the million little things that need done that I can’t do. Getting outside and walking at least helps my mental health, even if it doesn’t help get those things done.

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        1. AnotherOne*

          Depending on where you office is located there may also be something mid-day that you could use as an excuse to pop out to.

          I’m on a college campus near an art museum. Once a month, they do a free art class for adults at lunch time. One of my coworkers and I will try and go to just so we get out of the office.

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      3. Percy Weasley*

        Thank you for “understimulated to the point of madness” Those are the words I was missing to describe how I feel about being in the office! Will be reading the suggestions along with you. Sending good wishes your way!

        Reply ↓
        1. Reluctant Mezzo*

          Also, a light bar can help with the Gray Drowsies. I used mine for most of this winter (amazingly wet for us for a change).

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    2. Smol boi*

      I’m the same way in terms of being impacted by gray walls etc. When I worked in an office I had a lot of plants- some like ZZ plants will grow without a window. I brought in things with a lot of different textures to provide refuge from the sterility. Even stones from the beach and a paper organizer thing made out of real wood.

      Also longer term you’ll probably adjust somewhat but I’d look for another job. Lots of hybrid these days!

      Reply ↓
      1. FuzzFrogs*

        One of those little desk zen gardens might be good for OP? Cause then they can take a break to rake the sand around and re-arrange stuff.

        Reply ↓
    3. Tea Monk*

      I have the opposite problem. I’m overstimulated. People are talking too loud, thr lights are too bright and it looks bad for me to take all the breaks I need. I end up with headphones on to balance things

      Reply ↓
      2. FLyon The WALL*

        Same here. Trying to make my spot more serene – personal items and plants and using noise canceling headphones are all I can do.

        Reply ↓
      3. ScruffyInternHerder*

        …and the headphones rub on my ears and they do not do enough to block out the outside noise….

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    4. Hlao-roo*

      I like RTOer’s suggestions.

      Other suggestions:

      – Can you build in a little time to go outside in the morning before work?

      – Can you build in some similar little breaks in the office? Getting a cup of coffee, 5 min chat with a favorite coworker, washing your lunch dishes, tidying up your cubicle, etc. Probably not as rejuvenating as pets/gardening/tidying up your house, but better than staring at Excel with no breaks

      – Can you find a way to enjoy some outside time between work and home? Stop by a park, walk around the block when you get home before going inside, etc. I know that on days when I’m feeling the post-work blahs, going home will lead to going to the couch and I’ll stay there for the entire night. If I can summon enough energy to do something on my commute home (grocery store, post office, walk around a park), that breaks up the “blahs” enough that I usually don’t spend the whole evening on the couch (and when I occasionally still do, at least I’ve gone to the grocery store/post office/park!).

      Reply ↓
      1. I'm just here for the cats!!*

        I will add here, could the OP get a pet cam to check in on their pets during the day? Not the same but it might be nice?

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    5. spcepickle*

      Talk to your boss to see if you can do 6 hours in the office instead of 8 with a commitment that you do the other 2 at home. It helps so much with the brain fog and for me being at home during daylight hours. It also helps to align my commute time with less traffic making that a more pleasant chore.

      If not – Cover the terrible gray of cube walls with fun fabric. Take a real lunch break somewhere you can see outside (even if it means sitting in your car) better if you can even get a 15 walk outside even if it is just the perimeter of the parking lot. Think about your lighting, the overhead fluorescents were killing me, I asked the the bulbs in the light above my cube removed and added a bunch of lamps to my space. Also keep taking those short breaks, tea every hour leads to more bathroom breaks!

      Lastly talk to your coworkers, I know there are big pushes to return to office, but I think the metrics are going to show that people are miserable and less productive, can you figure out how to take data that shows that back to your company head. If you go as a group with real data maybe you can reverse the full time in office.

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    6. Slow Gin Lizz*

      Oh no, I’m so sorry for you that they now require full time in the office. My last in-office job was such a hit to my mental health and I didn’t even realize how much until the pandemic and I was like, well, the world is awful now but at least I get to be home instead of in my boring office all the time. I think the way you worded it – “understimulated to the point of madness” – is exactly what was happening to me. And my work was such that it definitely could have been done from everywhere, it’s just that the boss had a pretty firm “butt in seats” mentality. (Case in point, at my last two jobs I’ve done pretty much the same work and both of them have been entirely WFH.) But that just wanting to collapse in front of the TV with junk food is something I experienced then too…it’s just exhausting to be away from home all the time, and frustrating if you are in a position where your job really doesn’t need to be done from an office.

      Anyway, what helped to some degree at that job was going out for walks nearly every day, even if the weather was terrible. Sometimes I’d go to a coffee shop, get a drink, and read a non-work book for an hour, or listen to a podcast and knit. Houseplants on my desk helped to some degree too.

      However….without knowing about your actual work situation and how committed they are to RTO, I would suggest that you speak to your supervisor about how this RTO is affecting you. If it’s really at the point where you’ll quit rather than continue going in every day, maybe your boss would be willing to discuss your being allowed to keep WFH once or twice a week. In retrospect, wish I’d done this at my last job, but I was too worried about not being seen as a team player if I’d done so.

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    7. FuzzFrogs*

      I’m a children’s librarian, so I feel like my own desk decor would go heavily against normal office norms–I have like, ten dolls scattered around, colorful floppy disks, art kids have made me, etc. Total visual chaos.

      For sounds, though, can I suggest lofi playlists on Youtube that have been made for hyper-specific theoretical scenarios? There’s things on there like “Rest now, ye weary traveler,” or “The Shire but it’s nighttime and also Christmas,” or “dancing in a dark ballroom with the man you hate,” or even “Tuesday morning at the mall in 1986.” Lofi can easily fade into the background, but when I’m taking a lil break I can listen more closely and amuse myself daydreaming about the specific scenarios.

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      1. Another Kristin*

        Crashing in here like the Kool-aid man to recommend the Monterey Bay Aquarium’s YouTube channel. They had the brilliant idea of combining footage of beautiful sea creatures with the kinds of lo-fi beats you’re talking about. Visual AND audio stimulus!

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      2. Jaydee*

        For another music suggestion, check out video game soundtracks. A lot of video game music is either a) pleasant background music that is engaging/energizing without being distracting (the kind of music when you’re running around the map in the game) b) urgent and slightly anxiety-inducing in a way that is really helpful at simulating a deadline (the last minute in a Mario level, the big boss battle, Tetris when the blocks are falling too fast). Both are helpful if you’re feeling understimulated.

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    8. Strive to Excel*

      Can you pick up an office task that requires some movement? Even something mundane, like washing dishes or running mail to the post office. Beyond that, plants & sunlamps are your friends.

      Reply ↓
    9. Marz*

      I am goin’ a little bit mad but I think if I liked my job a lil bit maybe I wouldn’t be, so I hope this’ll work for you, but I find the biggest thing is: move! Walk the long way to the bathroom, go for a walk at lunch (so important!), get outside. If there is anywhere you can walk to or even drive so that you can walk, it might be worth it. I am in a downtown, and I am finding a lot of cool, weird, or interesting little places, as well as some favorites to go back to or get a treat from or buy lunch, but even if it’s an industrial park where will be some little things to explore. Let yourself be surprised, look around in nature, just let the walk be playful. I walk and then eat lunch at my desk.

      I also put up decorations, sometimes for holidays, but if I like ‘em they don’t come down. Also, tree time – if you have a window anywhere in the building, go look out it for a few minutes regularly.

      I find the noises to be the most maddening, in some ways, and don’t really have a solution – I listen to music or podcasts in my headphones if I need to but that means I don’t clock when people are talking to me and I find it startling, isolating, and makes me a little paranoid on if someone is coming up behind me. And I kind of get overwhelmed/tired

      Reply ↓
      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        Yeah, my office job was super boring and I’d often get all my work done in a couple of hours and then spend the rest of the day trying to look busy. My boss knew I didn’t have much to do and no one seemed to care, I just needed to be around in case they did actually need something from me. And the nature of everyone else’s work there vs. mine was such that there was almost no way for me to take on any of their work (it was not my expertise at all) so they were always complaining about being super busy but I couldn’t do a thing to lighten their load.

        Anyway, I did a lot of walking in that job and got thoroughly familiar and completely sick of the locale where we were (a well-known college town in the eastern US). Three years in that spot and I never need to go there again, lol.

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    10. HonorBox*

      I don’t know how feasible this is for you and your work, but I just transferred a work call to my cell and stepped outside to take it. I paced the parking lot, but the sun is out, birds are flying around and it was better than sitting in my office. I was actually even able to focus more on the conversation because I wasn’t tempted to check emails or look at something else.

      Another idea, and I know this is not always easy… what about “scheduling” a walk or some exercise after work? I have days when I get home and just want to throw on sweats and sit and zone out, but I try very hard to get some sort of movement in before anything else. I’m sometimes still trying to talk myself out of exercise as I’m lacing up my shoes, but after I get done, I have much more energy and feel refreshed mentally.

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    11. EA*

      Exercising before work or immediately after work helped me when I was full time in office, particularly if it is either social (dance class) or outdoors (running, biking).

      Reply ↓
    13. SimonTheGreyWarden*

      I have my air plants and succulents…though I have had bad luck with keeping the latter alive recently, unfortunately.

      Reply ↓
    14. DJ*

      To avoid the eating of junk food at night can you cook up some meals on the weekends and keep them in the fridge to heat up during the week. This could be as simple as adding extra food to your usual cooking for left overs. Also keep healthy snacks in containers to get out. Keep salad items in containers to put together an easy meal.

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    15. cleo*

      I like to try to engage all 5 senses as much as possible. Lots of good suggestions here for sights and sounds. You might also think about how to get more interesting smells or things you can touch in your space.

      I like making tea for a multi-sensory experience – I indulge in loose leaf teas at work and that helps a lot – it hits all 5 senses and feels indulgent.

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    16. RA*

      A couple of coworkers have brought in jigsaw puzzles recently that we all work on together. It helps that there’s something else I can go do for a few minutes instead of feel the understimulation of beige walls/no window.

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    17. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Not based in being RTO full-time (thank heavens), but something from a research project I participated in late 2023: When I have big blocks of time that aren’t broken up by a meeting, I set a timer and after 25 minutes I do 5 minutes of something involving movement. Could be putting on a 5-minute song on my headset and dancing up and down the hall, could be walking up and down a couple of flights of stairs if you can do that, could be going to get a water bottle refill and go to the bathroom. Anything except something like playing a phone app game for 5 minutes–has to be not looking at a screen and the movement in particular is good for your energy level. I definitely do this on days I’m in the office because our building is mostly empty, with long hallways that make me think of the old TV show with all the tunnels and slamming doors. (Get Smart? Man from U.N.C.L.E.? One of those.)

      The key is that the adult brain really does give out on attention span after about 20-25 minutes. Adding in movement at that point recharges your batteries. With cerebral work, which is what mine is too, I find that a quick couple of laps around my neighborhood loop will generate all kinds of new insights. I go back reoxygenated. If I’m afraid of forgetting an insight I’m in the middle of at the 25-minute mark I make a quick note so I’m not expending brain power trying to remember it. (Your Brain at Work is a good read on this issue.)

      Good luck and I’m so sorry!

      Reply ↓
    18. Academic Physics*

      I used to have a ton of plants in my office, and that helped when I needed a moving break I could take care of them.

      Reply ↓
  5. Elle*

    I have a request for public health folks as we go into health resource fair season. Turn down the music at the fairs! We can’t talk to community members about their health questions and needs if your DJ is blasting Whitney Houston. Also please make sure the DJ is not playing explicit music at family events.

    Reply ↓
    1. Database Queery*

      At the last health fair/walkathon held at my workplace, I had to walk back to my desk to get my noise-canceling earbuds in order to survive the walk “starting zone”. DJs, if you notice people are shouting over the music, the answer isn’t to turn up the music! I’d hoped to meet other folks in my office complex whom I can walk with at lunch, I can listen to Whitney on my own time.

      Reply ↓
    2. RedinSC*

      I was tabling at an event specifically for little kids (Trunk or Treat) and the DJ played several songs that I thought were pretty wrong for the event, but then they played Pumped Up Kicks, and I thought, “Seriously, you’re playing a song about a school shooter as a halloween event for school kids?!??!”

      Come on DJs do better.

      Reply ↓
      1. Elle*

        I put it on the event organizers to control what music is played and the volume. If you’re having an indoor event for the elderly we don’t need a crazy party vibe.

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      2. Antilles*

        Pumped Up Kicks was a pretty popular song with a nice beat, so I imagine most of the parents listening (and the DJ as well) just thought of it as background noise. There’s a LOT of people who don’t really listen to the lyrics of music, especially with songs that you’ve already heard dozens or hundreds of times.

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        2. Reluctant Mezzo*

          Try listening to the MASH theme (aka ‘Suicide is Painless’) as the Muzak in the waiting room of any clinic.

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    3. a perfectly normal-sized space bird*

      Friend of mine used to be a sound tech in such situations. He said they’d set everything up to be optimal without blowing eardrums out but the DJ or band would insist on turning the volume up to earsplitting levels. Eventually, he re-labeled the volume marks on the dial so the level they wanted was the actual optimum level.

      I’m not saying sound techs setting up equipment at such fairs should do that, I’m just saying it’s a thing that could theoretically happen.

      Reply ↓
  6. National Nomad*

    I’m not asking for tax help, just how to *find* the right kind of information myself. I have a remote job and I’m considering renting a place in a different state for a short period to work there as a treat. I want to understand the tax implications, if any, if I work in that state for one/two or three months. I don’t know what terms to google to find this. I thought it was “business nexus rules” + state, but that is about my company having to pay taxes, which I don’t think is a concern as they have workers in every state including this one. I know a coworker worked out of a van traveling all around the US so they seem chill. It’s my own taxes I’m worried about. If it helps, the state I want to stay in is Louisiana. Any insights? TIA!

    Reply ↓
    1. Llama Wrangler*

      I am not an expert in this, but my inclination is you’d need to look for non-resident tax filing requirements.

      Reply ↓
      1. Strive to Excel*

        I second this. Find a licensed Louisiana tax CPA and get half an hour of time. Each state has its own special set of rules around when you are counted as a resident and what sort of taxes get involved. This is a bread-and-butter tax consult and will save you a ton of pain.

        Talk to someone in your home state too, make sure you understand how *your* state handles income earned in another state.

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        1. Pyanfar*

          This is probably more important in Louisiana than any other state, because Louisiana based their law on French law rather than the English common law that the rest of the country uses…

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        2. Tech Help?*

          Can I just say … that is so sad to me, as an American, that we wouldn’t even be able understand the framework of taxation without having to pay an expert hundreds of dollars. This is just an idea OP has, they shouldn’t have to pay just for basic understanding of the relevant laws. Our system is so messed up.

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          1. Spencer Hastings*

            You can find the rules on the relevant state websites (Massachusetts Department of Revenue, etc.). That’s what I did before I became an accountant. And, heck, it’s what I still do, if a client has some situation with a state I’m not familiar with.

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            1. National Nomad*

              Would you look for “Minimum number of days working in Louisiana for owing taxes” on those sites? Or non-resident taxes? I feel like non-resident tax was taking me to “oh, you live in Texas full time while commuting to LA, here are there rules”

              Reply ↓
              1. jtr*

                It depends on how the two states in question define it. Each state has a different length of time you can stay and work without being required to file non-resident income taxes with them. And, different states handle that potentially double taxed income differently – some states want you to pay THEIR taxes and take a credit on the other state’s return for taxes paid to them, vice versa, and a couple states have special carve out for particular other states…

                If you choose to consult a professional, I personally would wait until after April 15, since they are probably pretty busy right now…

                yeah, agree, Tech Help, it’s a massive PITA keeping tax law straight among various jurisdictions.

                Reply ↓
        3. Reluctant Mezzo*

          I live near a state border, so counseling people who work in California but live in Oregon or live in California and work in Oregon is Fraught.

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    3. Parenthesis Guy*

      I would recommend reaching out to HR. Presumably, your company withholds state tax. If they don’t know you’re working from somewhere else, then they’ll presume you’re still working in your home state. If your home state doesn’t have a tax relationship with Louisiana, then you’ll owe Louisiana a lot of money while getting a huge refund from your home state.

      In addition, if your IT department is doing its job monitoring, then they’ll see that you’re logging in from a few hundred miles away from your normal location and flag it. That’s because they might be afraid that your credientials were hacked.

      You don’t want it to be a surprise to your company.

      Reply ↓
        1. Parenthesis Guy*

          Depends on what you do honestly. I wouldn’t be so worried about taxes if it’s only a week or two. I would be worried about potentially being flagged for being in a unexpected location.

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        2. Beth*

          Officially, probably yes, it’s smart to get guidance no matter how long or short the period is.

          Unofficially…if my manager knew I planned to be working while traveling (which is likely, for me–we’re a chatty bunch, I’d mention I’m planning to visit family and work from there just in the course of everyday conversation), and no one raised a concern, I probably wouldn’t worry about a week or two. Even if I was supposed to pay state taxes there and didn’t know, what are they going to do, chase me down for my 3 days of taxes due?

          I’d be more cautious about a longer stay because it seems more likely that I’d actually experience consequences for not doing my due diligence. And I would mention my plan to my manager, even for a short stay. We’re remote and scattered across the US, so I’m not worried that they wouldn’t have a tax relationship in my destination state–but it’s very possible our IT team would notice and flag it, and I’d rather not create a situation where it could look like I’m sneaking around.

          Reply ↓
      2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        Tips and tricks for organizing a shared in-box?

        We’re migrating to a shared email in-box (which makes a ton of sense and I approve). Just me (customer service ) and the sales person who covers the same region, plus occasional vacation cover.

        Goal is to have it clear who is handling what and not have any emails fall through the cracks, especially things that I need to follow up in a few days if the client doesn’t get back to me.

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    4. Hlao-roo*

      I would start by searching for “Louisiana partial-year resident state income tax” and see if that gets you anything useful.

      I searched that and found the following:

      Nonresident and part-year resident taxpayers who are required to file a federal individual income tax return are required to file a Louisiana income tax return, IT-540B, reporting all income earned from Louisiana sources.

      So I think it’s also worth finding form IT-540B to see what information it asks for.

      Reply ↓
      1. Cheap ass rolling with it*

        I asked ChatGPT and this is what it told me. ChatGPT includes references to follow up on:

        If you’re staying in Louisiana for three months (approximately 90 days) and are not earning income from Louisiana sources, you generally do not need to file a Louisiana state income tax return. Louisiana considers individuals who reside in the state for more than six months (over 183 days) as residents for tax purposes, requiring them to report all income, regardless of source. ​

        However, nonresidents who earn income from Louisiana sources are required to file a Louisiana income tax return, reporting only the income earned within the state. ​

        Therefore, if you do not earn income from Louisiana sources during your three-month stay, you are not required to file a Louisiana state income tax return.​

        Reply ↓
    5. StressedButOkay*

      Absolutely talk to a tax professional and your HR department. A look shows that many states will consider you a resident for tax purposes if you spend 183 days or more in that state, though that’s not all. And it could have tax implications for your work, too – we got slapped with a hefty fine a number of years ago for not reporting someone living in another state for half the year and the organization learned its lesson FAST. (We can and do live in other states after COVID but it involves a talk with HR if you’re moving.)

      Reply ↓
    6. HR Exec Popping In*

      Each state has different rules. Doing a quick google I learned that in Louisiana they require withholding if you work in the state for more than 25 days during the calendar year.

      Reply ↓
      1. National Nomad*

        How did you find that? That was the exact information I was trying to find, and my google-fu was not fu-ing at all! What terms did you use?

        Reply ↓
          1. National Nomad*

            Ha, you know what’s funny, is I probably actually didn’t frame it that way. It was TOO direct. Thank you!

            Reply ↓
    7. RedinSC*

      I asked google: How long do I have to stay in a state before I owe taxes, and the answer was:
      183 days
      The 183-day rule is a guideline used by many U.S. states to determine residency for tax purposes. It generally says that if you spend 183 days or more in a state during a calendar year, you’re considered a resident of that state for tax purposes, regardless of where your primary home or domicile is located.Jan 3, 2025

      BUT I agree, asking a real tax professional would be a better idea than just asking google.

      Reply ↓
      1. HR Exec Popping In*

        This really does depend on the state – for example, I believe in Montana you owe state taxes for every single day you work in that state. So even one day working remotely in Montana requires filing state taxes.

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    9. A*

      I know this isn’t the question you asked but I would start with HR. I hope they are as chill as they seem but I would hate to see you put a ton of effort into your tax situation only to find out they won’t allow this.

      A lot of things may have happened between his working/living van situation. Maybe it was terrible so the company doesn’t want to do it again, the law may have changed, the person who allowed it is gone, etc etc. I mean, there are a lot of reasons why this worked out fine for him but won’t for you.

      Reply ↓
    10. Pencil case*

      Former tax accountant here with clients who worked in many states. My google search was always “[state name] non-resident filing threshold.” It’s usually a dollar value of the earnings attributable to the time you were staying in that state. You can allocate your income pro rata to that state vs your home (or wherever else you worked) using a formula of days worked in Louisiana/days worked in total to get the amount of income you earned while in that state.

      My experience was that generally if your income in that state is below their standard deduction, then there’s no requirement to file.

      Reply ↓
      1. National Nomad*

        Filing threshold! Thank you, this is probably the exact term I needed to use and was not finding. Much appreciated (and thanks everybody on this thread!!).

        Reply ↓
  7. Box of Kittens*

    I had an initial interview with a company this week. It seemed to go well, but at the end the hiring manager mentioned that the salary I listed in the application was not within their budget, so she asked me to get with the recruiter. I did, and the salary I listed was about 20k higher than the range they’re looking at. I know I aimed high; I’ve been underpaid my whole career and I’m trying to remedy that. However, the range the recruiter gave me would still be a good raise for me and would put me about at market average (or ever so slightly below, but still). I went ahead and replied that their range was okay with me and not a dealbreaker if I were to move forward in the process. But I feel kind of embarrassed and like I may have exhibited some bad judgment or misunderstanding about market norms. If you’ve been on the hiring end, how embarrassed or concerned should I be about how off I was with the salary range, and my subsequent willingness to potentially come down by 20k?

    Reply ↓
    1. Sloanicota*

      Eh, they should be ashamed and probably are, knowing what they can offer is a bit shabby. But they’ve got all the cards right now, given the current hiring environment. $20K is a lot in some roles and not that big in others. At least you know you really advocated for yourself this time. Be prepared if they offer, they might want to double-check you’re REALLY okay with this, and not going to immediately start looking elsewhere for more.

      Reply ↓
    2. Texan in exile on her phone*

      They interviewed you knowing you were higher than they want to pay?

      They’re the ones who should be ashamed

      Reply ↓
      1. RagingADHD*

        Why? The ask was apparently significantly above market average. They thought OP was worth interviewing on the merits of their resume & application, and that they might be open to negotiation on salary.

        Which turned out to be true.

        It would be a real shame if OP were not considered for a job that would actually give them an increase from where they are now, and put them within market range, just because they overshot.

        Reply ↓
        1. Kay*

          I think the key is that they disclosed after the interview, not before. What if the OP wasn’t willing to drop their requested salary? Then the company then just wasted a candidate’s time without giving them all the information necessary to make an informed decision. That to me is 100% shitty on the companies part and the fact that they didn’t bring it up before the interview would give me pause.

          Reply ↓
          1. RagingADHD*

            There’s no reason to bring it up unless they wanted to move her forward. Nobody has “all the information” before an interview. That’s what interviews are for, to share information.

            I think you’re missing the aspect that OP was asking $15 to $20 k above market average, and knows it wasn’t realistic. And wants the job, because $20k less than the original ask is still a significant raise.

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    3. Seven Times*

      Honestly, it sounds like this was pretty open on both sides. You had a goal that you admit was a bit (but not overly) ambitious. The interviewer was impressed with you and thought it would be a mistake not to meet you. They were honest about their range and told you to go to the recruiter (proper channels).
      I suspect that if you’re a top candidate they’re looking for how close they can get to your range.

      HOWEVER, this does NOT mean that you should take the job if you’re not going to be happy with the offer.

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    4. MsM*

      If the request was a dealbreaker for them, they wouldn’t be moving forward. The only thing I’d be worried about is if they come back to you with an even lower number and try to pressure you into accepting that.

      Reply ↓
    5. Llama Wrangler*

      I would not be embarrassed or concerned about this. I know why it feels embarrassing for you; the only place where I might have any concern as a hiring manager is if my org was under market and you said you wanted something that was more in line with the market and then said you were okay with our under-market salary, I might be concerned that you were not actually comfortable with it. But if I was hiring at an under-market salary, I would also know the risk is anyone would be dissatisfied with it even if they hadn’t said anything.

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    6. KitKat*

      You should be zero percent embarrassed, unless your # was completely made up out of nothing. Even then you should be at most 5% embarrassed.

      Lots of people will trade on salary for a job they find interesting, perks, good team, location/commute, etc. and it’s normal for your expectations to adjust as you learn more about the job. You aimed above market average, they’re telling you best they can offer is market average, it’s all good.

      Reply ↓
      1. Antilles*

        Also, I’ve hired for plenty of roles where I actually have some flexibility, therefore you asking for above-average results in you getting above-average. Maybe not the entire $20k above that you’re asking for, so we end up negotiating and settling at, idk, $10k above the average, but still $10k more than if you’d undershot to begin with.

        Reply ↓
    7. spcepickle*

      I work in state government, we under pay, we all pretend the job benefits make up for it but it means I hire people who have a higher salary expectation then the range I can offer. We don’t ask for the applicant desired salary on our application form and even though we are very clear in the job posting about what the range is people seem to think that we are just playing them.
      So I will offer a job to people and they will ask for more money then I can offer, I will explain how the salary ranges work and give them usually the same number I offered the first time (maybe I can go one step higher if they have a good reason). And we either move on or part ways. There should be no embarrassment, there is no bad judgement, there are just so many different systems! Everyone who hires is working under their own little formula that nobody else knows, every company has their own process that they don’t share. There might be overarching norms, but there is not really a standard.
      If you really are good with the number, and if their benefits make the job sound like a good fit, take it.

      Reply ↓
    8. HR Exec Popping In*

      Do not feel embarrassed or concerned at all. This is not unusual. Hiring managers often see salary requirements as ideally and often flexible for the right opportunity.

      Reply ↓
    9. RagingADHD*

      No harm, no foul.

      If they thought you were delusional they wouldn’t have interviewed you, but it sounds like they have a realistic grasp of the market rate.

      They may also be able to deduce from knowledge of your current / prior employers that you were asking for a big jump.

      Reply ↓
    10. HonorBox*

      I don’t think you have anything to be embarrassed about. Especially if they hadn’t posted the range in advance, there’s nothing wrong with agreeing to their terms.

      I recently spoke to someone about a role we were hiring for. When we sent the invite for a first interview, I included the pay range again to ensure everyone knew what to expect. I had a candidate reach out and inquire if we could go higher, as he makes more than the top of our range. I told him we couldn’t and he understood. But had he asked if we could go higher, and then agreed that he could agree to the top of our range, I wouldn’t have had a second thought about him.

      Reply ↓
    11. UpstateDownstate*

      Hi Box of Kittens,

      Do not feel embarrassed! You are advocating for yourself and as we well know there are very few times one can do that, usually at the time of hire or during a promotion or when in stages of counter offer.

      Although you said you were fine with that range, could you also add that you would be interested in seeing what they can do to bridge that gap of 5-10k with perhaps added PTO, WFH days, phone plan or continuing education or subsidized industry memberships? Some companies provide these perks to all full time employees while for others it’s something that is on a case-by-case basis so…just a thought!

      Hope it goes well!

      Reply ↓
    12. Decidedly Me*

      It sounds like you didn’t have the range ahead of time, so nothing to be embarrassed about! Salary ranges in the market can be pretty wide, so $20k over could still have been reasonable for some roles at some companies.

      Reply ↓
    13. Hyaline*

      Given that your initial number could have been influenced by any number of factors–different niches having different salaries, large vs small companies vs nonprofits vs public entities, geographical area/COL, all kinds of stuff, I would not stress one bit. With all of those variables, 20K is not really a huge deal to “miss” by. 100K? Yeah, maybe I’d be a little embarrassed to realize I was that out of touch, but I also would let bygones be bygones and just never bring it up again. Just consider what they can offer against what you’re willing to accept, not against a number you had to throw out there at one point in the process.

      Reply ↓
    16. JSPA*

      zero percent! But do say something flattering about your impression of their work-life balance, and perhaps ask for something (WFH, leaving at 3:30 pm on alternate tuesdays to prepare for board game night, whatever would be a “worth a lot of money” issue for you). Basically an easy thing for them to say yes to, that explains why you’re happy to make the trade off?

      Reply ↓
  8. Dumpster Fire is where I work*

    I’ve posted a few times about this, where my direct manager (Tom, manages my team) and his boss (Jerry, head of the entire department) won’t manage my slacker teammate Andy, who doesn’t follow basic directions, doesn’t do his basic tasks and can’t communicate professionally. While Andy is terrible, the real issue is that Tom and Jerry don’t hold Andy accountable for anything, and give vague praise when he gives careless attempts at his tasks. I’m at a slightly higher level than Andy, but have no managerial authority over him – this is important.

    I have an update. Andy still is not doing his job at all….and earlier this week Jerry fired someone in our department, but on a different team and had a completely different job than us. What’s extra baffling is that this fired employee was the most “yeah team! rah rah! best company ever!” person. I have no idea about his actual job performance, but as we’ve seen with Andy, Jerry doesn’t care about holding people accountable. This is the 2nd person in 2 months who has been fired, and the 3rd person in a year. I would also bet Jerry never told those people they were in danger of being fired. Meanwhile all these people are being fired, but Andy is weirdly untouchable? I feel like there is something else going on with who Jerry feels like firing.

    But what on earth? Has anyone had this happen at their companies? What was going on?

    Yes, I’m looking for a new job, but it’s been extremely hard trying to get interviews.

    Reply ↓
    1. KitKat*

      I can’t say much about the rest of it but in my experience the most “Rah rah” people actually are frequently underperformers. Not always the case but it’s definitely A Thing that there are people who use performative positive attitude as a way to try to cover for other shortcomings.

      Reply ↓
    2. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      It may be the throw-good-money-after-bad fallacy.

      After Boss hires Slacker and defends Slacker a couple of times, Boss just can’t bear to fire Slacker, because that would invalidate all of Boss’ previous work and embarrass Boss.

      Reply ↓
    3. HR Exec Popping In*

      You never know the full details of how someone else is performing. You see what can see. Not everything. And some people are fired for policy violations, not performance. I know it is frustrating, but it is best to focus on yourself and how you are treated. Not how you perceive others are being treated.

      Reply ↓
      1. Pay no attention...*

        This would be my guess also = conduct outside of performance. I have seen where high performing people were seemingly fired without warning but it ends up being something like they were embezzling, or committing time card fraud, or funneling vendor contracts to their buddies. Sometimes it’s the high performing people that think that they are irreplaceable or untouchable, and who really love their jobs…because they are getting away with behavior that should get them fired. From the boss’ perspective, maybe Andy is a slacker but benign.

        Reply ↓
    4. Zephy*

      Oh, there’s got to be something else going on. Andy must know something, or someone. This would also be a very entertaining TV show but a grating and anxiety-inducing real-life job.

      Reply ↓
    6. cncx*

      I worked with an Andy and one of my coping mechanisms was to invent elaborate fan fiction reasons as to why he still had a job, like knowing where my former boss hid a body or two

      Reply ↓
    7. Mad Scientist*

      Nothing substantial to add, but I’ve been rewatching parks and rec lately so I appreciate the reference!

      Reply ↓
    8. Girasol*

      Does Andy golf, watch football, lift weights or do any other favorite extracurricular activity with either boss? That’s what always kept under-performers where I’ve worked.

      Reply ↓
  9. Sloanicota*

    Honestly, I’m not sure of my question, but I’m hoping the commenters here can give me advice on how to handle going back in a chain of command when you’re used to being a loose canon. I have a hands-on manager for the first time in over a decade. I actually think I could benefit from a real manager and could learn a lot from this boss. She has never had her own employee before so I know she’s struggling too; she’s even expressed it. And she’s been running a crazy amount of work and has developed a lot of … idiosyncratic processes to manage her crazy workload. I try to follow them all respectfully.We’re both used to being the one to run with the ball/get something over the finish line ourselves. I’m trying to be patient and I can tell she’s trying to be flexible when it makes sense. But it’s just SO HARD. Can anyone speak to this?

    Reply ↓
    1. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

      Are you me? Because I’ve been dealing with something pretty similar. What has been working for me and my boss is that we both know that we’re capable of doing the work, and my boss trusts me to do the work they hand off to me; I try to be proactive about letting them know when I’ve finished things, especially those things that affect their work. That has helped. But it does chafe to have someone directing you when you’re used to just doing what you think is best.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        I’m chafing alright haha. A lot of this I think is just me being prickly – we are both used to being the final reviewer, so I think we are somewhat jockeying there – and I hope that if we build trust, she will feel more comfortable and I will put my shoulders down – but I’m also afraid that won’t happen unless I perform perfectly (meaning, everything how she wants it, not even “right/wrong” just – how she would do it) for six months or so, and it’s one of those ironies that being closely watched can cause you to make MORE mistakes.

        Reply ↓
        1. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

          If that’s the case, I would try to just be as proactive as possible in checking in with what you’re planning to do, and if they want you to do otherwise, let them make the call. That way you have a chance that they’ll just agree to what you want, and if they don’t, you’re covered and will know it.

          Plus, eventually they’ll probably get tired of you checking in, and as long as you’re getting results they’re happy with, they’re more likely to eventually just agree to loosen the reins a bit. And once that happens, you can start presenting things as a “fait accompli” and they’ll go along with it.

          There have been many, many times that my new boss has initially wanted to do something differently than I proposed, and like an hour later, come back to me to say that upon thinking it through, I should do it the way I came up with because it’s actually better that what she came up with.

          Reply ↓
    2. HR Exec Popping In*

      Over communicate as much as possible. And ask questions. Is there a reason you want this done this way? Would it be ok if I did it this other way as long as we get the same results? etc.

      Reply ↓
      1. HonorBox*

        This. If you can explain that you have processes that you like to follow and that are effective for you, and ask if she’s comfortable with you doing that and getting the desired end result, that should be sufficient.

        Reply ↓
    3. Pomodoro Sauce*

      It sounds like you both need to build trust and rapport and then you’d be a great team — you just have to get through the months where you don’t have that connection yet.

      I think some of the wording you use above could be really useful in communicating with your boss — talking about how you appreciate that she’s hands-on, that you’re both used to be the one running with the ball, that you can see she’s being flexible.

      I also think — if you don’t have a standing 1:1 — that setting one up could be really useful. I have found that managers who are not yet sure of employees often use better practices for checking in if there’s an agreed-on point to check in, and that it’s easier to ask process questions without the manager spiraling if it’s during the “calendar time for process questions”. It can also be helpful to send your boss a summary of your current workload the day before the 1:1 so they can chew over any input they have.

      Reply ↓
    4. Mentally Spicy*

      I’m a huge advocate for talking about issues and it sounds to me like you both need to have a really candid discussion about this. You’re both struggling. So lay it all out there. Talk about your frustrations, let her talk about her frustrations. See if you both can come up with not just a way of doing the work but also a way for her to be manager and you to be managed.

      If you don’t do that you risk both of you becoming increasingly siloed and resentful. Take the opportunity now to get on the same page.

      Reply ↓
    5. Loreli*

      Suggest using “Lone Ranger” instead of “Loose Cannon” because the latter implies out-of-control and dangerous, rather than solo self-directed problem solver.

      Reply ↓
  10. Tea Monk*

    How do you handle people wondering why you don’t want to move up? My temporary (?) boss seemed to be trying to steer me towards management but I simply don’t have the ability to work longer hours than I do now. On the job market people will also ask, but the real reasons are ” 60 hours a what now?” and ” no one listens to me” and that isn’t a flattering picture.

    Reply ↓
    1. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

      I tell people that I’m content where I am, and that I work to live, not live to work. I know what I’m good at, and I’m happy doing that. I would rather people who want the stress of management to take that on than for me to try it.

      Reply ↓
    2. DisneyChannelThis*

      “I feel really connected to the community/people/clients I’m serving now and don’t want to leave them”

      “I really enjoy being hands on with the datasets/information I’m parsing now and I don’t want to move into a role that is more time in meetings and less analyzing”

      “I’ve tried managing people in previous roles and found I’m really happiest in non supervisory roles”

      Reply ↓
      1. Hlao-roo*

        I think these are all great! It can also help to add on something along the lines of:

        “I want to continue developing my relationships with the community/people/clients”

        “I am looking forward to learning and growing as an analyst so I can parse datasets faster/gain more insights that will help [company]”

        “I like being a [job title] and want to learn [new skills] so I can be more effective”

        Basically, “I want to grow/improve/professionally develop but I don’t want to move up/become a manager.”

        Reply ↓
    3. MsM*

      “I appreciate the vote of confidence, but I know that role would require considerably more bandwidth than past experience has taught me it’s wise for me to take on, while taking my focus away from the areas where I think I can really make an impact.”

      Reply ↓
    4. sb51*

      “I want to focus on improving my skills in X, Y, and Z so that I can be better at my [current role]” can be a helpful thing if what they’re trying to do is figure out how to help you grow. It dodges the question in some ways, but if their real question is “how to keep Tea Monk feeling like they’re learning and growing and engaged”, sounding excited about things within your current role can help that.

      Reply ↓
    5. Alexandra Beth*

      There’s a podcast called Squiggly Careers which had an episode about this recently. Episode #467 (long version) and #468 (short). There was some good wording about explaining why you want to stay where you are.

      Can also recommend it for other work and career development topics.

      Reply ↓
      1. Tea Monk*

        Yes! everyones answers are amazing but that’s the crux of the issue. Management requires detail orientation, energy and all sorts of qualities that are not my strengths

        Reply ↓
      2. Pay no attention...*

        This is in essence what I tell people. There are some careers/industries where you have more freedom to do the fun parts as you move up, and other careers that you have to stop doing the fun parts in order to move up. The LAST thing I want on the Earth is to stop doing the creative graphic design part, and instead fill out budget reports, employee evaluations, and play office politics and sit in strategy meetings all day.

        Reply ↓
    7. cmdrspacebabe*

      When I get asked that question, I just say straight out that I’m not at all interested in people management. It comes with a lot of administrative responsibilities that I wouldn’t enjoy or excel at, and it would take me away from the ground-level work I’ve built my career and reputation on. It’s a fundamentally different skillset and not one I’m suited to. Personally I’ve never had someone push back on that explanation.

      Reply ↓
    8. WellRed*

      I literally said to my boss recently “ that’s not really where I want to be at this point in
      My life.”

      Reply ↓
    9. Mentally Spicy*

      My last job before I turned freelance, my boss was constantly talking about me taking over from him. He’d say things like “you need to learn this process for when you’re doing my job”. And I was always incredibly non-commital. Because I didn’t want his job. I’m a creative. I enjoy what I do. And he was always buried in budgets and spreadsheets and meetings. And I don’t want that!

      But it took me a long time to pluck up the courage to tell him that. Even so when a new position opened up on the team which would have been a stepping stone between my current position and his, he was floored when I didn’t apply for it!

      What stopped me talking about this for so long is that it’s very ingrained in workplace culture that of course you want to be promoted, of course you want to move into management, of course you’re ambitious. And if you’re not those things it feels weirdly shameful. Like someone offering you a pile of cash and you saying “no thanks”. You almost feel like there’s something wrong with you if you’re happy doing what you do and have no interest in moving up.

      It took a long time to sort those feelings out for me. Some people are happy doing what they do. And there’s no shame in that.

      Proudly signed,
      Not a Manager.

      Reply ↓
      1. Grenelda Thurber*

        Your third paragraph succinctly captures everything I’ve worried about during my career.

        My great-grandboss scheduled a meeting with me a few years back out of the blue. I almost had a heart attack, thinking I must have really screwed up something. I was stunned he even knew my name. It turns out I’d had a couple of years of very good performance reviews and he was talking to people who were doing well and making sure they had the advancement opportunities they wanted. I felt so silly, telling him I was perfectly happy doing what I was doing, like there was something wrong with me because I didn’t want to manage people or spend my time in meetings discussing strategies and what not.

        I finally gave myself permission to stop feeling bad for not being what I’m not. I’d be a terrible people manager. I’m a really good worker bee, and businesses *need* good worker bees as much as they need good managers. My last manager told me she didn’t know much about what I did (right after a big reorg), but she knew she “didn’t have to worry about my stuff.” I took that as a great compliment, because that’s my goal. And that’s enough.

        – Also Not a Manager

        Reply ↓
    10. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      I have fifteen years experience in my field. I enjoy it, I’m good at it, and it’s my skill set. Why would I trade that for something where I have no interest, skills, or experience?

      Reply ↓
  11. ConfusedMarketer*

    How to help new co-worker with a disorganized and overextended boss?

    A month ago, my boss hired Tina to work entirely remote in a state three hours behind us. Tina is capable and has even won awards for client work. However, she didn’t receive a formal onboarding and is the small marketing agency’s first full-time employee.

    For context, I’ve worked as the sole employee (working part-time) for a boutique marketing agency since March 2024. I’ve grown into my role as a specialist, despite having a background in a different field.

    What I’ve found is that my boss needs to complete something immediately or she completely forgets. She has two special needs kids and networks like crazy to find new clients. I only see her once a week for a check-in meeting where I dump all my questions and try to get a handle on what’s happening on the client front.

    Admittedly, the rushed meetings don’t lend themselves to consistent and accurate sharing of information. We have recently started using an agenda, but my boss doesn’t invite anyone to add items to it. Instead, there’s just a random question section in it.

    Every time I’ve inquired about SOPs or the creation of some guidelines, she says she doesn’t have time. This was manageable with just the two of us but is becoming troublesome with the addition of a remote worker who cannot stop by the office and ask questions.

    I’ve reached out to Tina via email and asked for her feedback on creating SOPs once she meets with the clients and gets a better feel of what they need/want in their account reports. So far, she’s suggested setting up a meeting after she’s had more time to review items. No timeframe was provided, and I don’t want to rush her.

    Given the time zone and working hour differences, is there anything else I can do to support my new co-worker?

    Thanks for your time!

    Reply ↓
    1. Coverage Associate*

      I can relate to the boss forgetting things. While ours is a bigger organization, some ideas:

      We put “[needs boss edits]” or similar in the subject line of emails so that the boss can quickly find emails with action items for her.

      We have task management software, but even if we didn’t, and even though we do, when I give the boss something to action, I make a note for myself to follow up with the boss on the day it would be “late” or the day after I expect her to do the thing when I send her the thing. I will back off with the follow ups if she ever tells me that it’s too much, but right now, it’s not enough. If the boss gets to it “on time,” I delete the note to myself.

      The notes are in the project management software and shared, but ours is a culture where it’s ok to have notes like this that sort of assume that the boss will forget. Of course, I could have the notes in a private system or just a notebook.

      I make an agenda for my check-ins, even if it’s not helpful to the boss. Then I try to direct the check in from my agenda so I am sure I get the answers I need. I’m learning how best to set up my agenda: by age of project? By urgency? Hardest to easiest? Of course, the boss usually starts the meeting with what’s front of her mind, but then gives me time to ask my questions.

      Reply ↓
    2. Coverage Associate*

      Ah! Comment eaten! Summary:

      Note it in the subject line of emails if the email requires the boss do something

      The report should plan for the boss to forget and plan the time to follow up with the boss whenever the report gives the boss an action item.

      The report should have an agenda for check ins even if the report doesn’t share it with the boss. A list of outstanding questions and items from the report’s perspective.

      Reply ↓
  12. utility worker*

    People who work at a utility – how exactly do you enforce your easements? We’ve been lucky that almost all of our access is in the park strip and everyone else is chill about letting our workers into their backyard but recently people have started getting weird about it and we currently have no process.

    Do you call the local sheriff ahead of time? Call animal control to help with their pets? Break padlocks? We have had our lawyer send formal notifications but we’re not sure what to do logistically on the actual day and he doesn’t know much about this either. Thank you for any tips and insight!

    Reply ↓
    1. CTT*

      Is your lawyer local counsel or outside? You may want to hire additional counsel. This is not my area but I know some people who work specifically in utility condemnations, so it’s probably time to spend the money to hire a specialist.

      Reply ↓
    3. CTT*

      (This may be a repost, my comment disappeared). You need to recommend that you hire specialized counsel for this. There are lawyers who work in the easement enforcement space and can give you a plan.

      Reply ↓
      1. utility worker*

        Thank you. It hadn’t occurred to me that our lawyer hasn’t been able to do more than write letters because he’s unaware of this area of law, but now that you’ve mentioned it this definitely isn’t his specialty.

        Reply ↓
      2. Coverage Associate*

        I haven’t worked in easement enforcement, but in this state, since the utility is private, law enforcement won’t do anything without a court order. If they have the time, they might meet you at the site as a courtesy, but they won’t cut locks or anything without a court order, and you would want a lawyer familiar with that process so that it gets done in days not months.

        Reply ↓
    4. Marz*

      I worked land preservation work – so lots of easements, but not the same kind. BUT, no one ever gets the letters and calls, or pays attention to it (we mostly sent a letter but did have a time where we sent and a letter and called) – but when we showed up we almost always went to the house and knocked. Sometimes they were confused, but for the most part, they remembered/had done it before/got it. But if they were going to be weird, I preferred they knew up front and could walk with us if they wanted, and we could ask/make sure there was a way to get there/the animals weren’t out or dangerous. If they didn’t answer/weren’t there, we went around anyways. I don’t personally love talking to people, but I usually preferred that they were there, I could just be more confident while out there.

      We never had any ability or reason to call animal control or the police nor would I be at all confident that they could/would help. If there was a lock in place, we would sometimes go over a fence, being aware of animals, but if there were something blocking us that we needed to get to we would have them let us in – we could enforce the easement if they fought us on that, mostly the hardest part was getting in touch about that but we never had anyone outright refuse.

      Reply ↓
    5. RagingADHD*

      Our utility workers enter the backyard easement where it crosses a street or road, and move along / through the easement itself. I suppose that might take you farther out of your way if you’re in an area with multi-acre properties, but in a suburban neighborhood it is a lot easier.

      Reply ↓
    6. Milton's Red Swingline Stapler*

      What kind of utility are you working for? I do community outreach for a big regulated utility and I also happen to be a customer and an abutter to one of our assets. I deal with abutters and a big part of my job is working with our real estate group to assert our property rights and obtain new easements and access. We try to lead with a soft approach, there are a lot of abutters who just aren’t aware of what it means to have an easement on their property, or even that their property has an easement in the first place. They think of it as their property — they pay taxes on it. And when you tell them you’re coming through to dig up their yards, and in my case also cut down their trees, they aren’t thrilled.

      I have a project right now that’s going through a residential neighborhood. We are upgrading an asset that we have to offset within the ROW and it will end up closer to people’s homes. I’ve found the best course of action is proactive, in-person outreach. People naturally want to know who you are and what the impacts to their property will be. If you can offer something like 24 hours notice for pet owners so they know to keep their pets inside that day, that goes over really well. I’ve found the in-person approach makes a huge difference. Other things: have you sent out proactive project communications? Can you hold a public meeting for abutters to explain the project and impacts?

      But then there are times when you do need to assert property rights more forcefully, whether someone’s refusing to remove an encroachment or has a fence impeding access. Then our real estate group gets involved and they will send a land agent out to talk to the property owner, and sometime it does escalate to getting our lawyers involved. I’ve also found it helps a lot to have a good relationship with the municipality. But on rare occasions when you do need to do something extreme like cut a lock you need to be sure that you’ve made every attempt to contact the abutter and, likely, have sent a legal notice that you’re enforcing property rights before you do it, if only to CYA.

      Reply ↓
      1. utility worker*

        We’re a water utility. Right now our standard is a) letter 2 weeks ahead of time, b) notice on door 48 hours in advance, c) knock on the door before entering their backyard.

        The problem is right now we’ve gotten to c with a few people and they say “no, and I’m turning my dog out,” and our employees (rightly!) don’t feel comfortable jumping the fence with an unknown animal. And then management goes out the next day to try to chat with them and gets nowhere, and then our lawyer sends them a letter, and now we’re at ??? because their dog was still out and the fence is padlocked.

        Reply ↓
        1. Coverage Associate*

          Water is public around here, so they might have inherent authority to assert easements that the private gas and electric company doesn’t have. (The gas and electric company that’s a convicted felon and bankrupt) But for the gas and electric company, law enforcement isn’t going to provide real help without a court order. They might meet your worker at the property and try to talk to the resident, but they won’t explain the easement or confine the dog or break a lock without a court order.

          Reply ↓
  13. Working Remotely*

    All who work from a co-working space, what amenities do you expect?

    At the moment, I have a dedicated desk so that I can have my own monitor, keyboard and mouse. The kitchenette provides free coffee/tea, cutlery, toaster oven and microwave ovens for all. Phone booths (1-2 people) available for private calls without bookings. Meeting room usage is limited to 4 hour per member per month. Community events with free lunch available occasionally. Recently, a podcast room for all who would like to record their own podcast.

    Reply ↓
    2. Katydid*

      This sounds very similar to a co-working space that is near me in a small town in Wisconsin. That is $60 a month or $20 for a drop in day.

      Reply ↓
    3. Jinni*

      Here the desk is in a private office, where the phone/extension is. Reception service. (I’ve used it since the 1990s so that visitors can get to the conference rooms.) There’s also IT support. (I have no idea what that means as the people I know have confidential information that they wouldn’t leave to a random person). Lactation room. Pet amenities.

      Reply ↓
  14. Blue Spoon*

    Okay, I’ve got a kind of weird, low-stakes situation I’d like insight on. My workplace breakroom has two tables that are meant for people to sit at and eat lunch. They used to be pushed together into one big table that could fit 8 people, but during peak pandemic (when we were still open) they were separated and had cough shields put in the middle of them. This meant that the table capacity went from 8 to 4, but it was for safety and social distancing purposes, and lunches were staggered accordingly, so that wasn’t an issue.

    However, now, in 2025, they’re still like that, cough shields and all. Multiple people have asked if the tables can be put back together, or the shields removed, but somehow every time someone tries to do that (we have pushed the tables back together and removed the shields for things like a coworker’s retirement party), they end up back the way they were. This is even more of an issue now that we’re back to pre-pandemic lunch staggering, which means that there are times where there isn’t enough table space for everyone to eat lunch. I recently learned that the main instigators behind the campaign to leave things in the pandemic state are two coworkers who like to watch General Hospital on the break room tv during their lunch, and find that layout more conducive to that habit.

    I’d like to try to address this, maybe by polling my coworkers to determine which layout the most people would prefer, but I’m not sure how to bring this up because I’m afraid it’ll sound petty, especially because one of the General Hospital coworkers is someone I’ve had disagreements over minor procedure topics in the past (we otherwise work and get along great, to be clear. We’re just both set in our different-enough-to-be-irksome ways). To be clear, I don’t begrudge these people their soap opera habit; if that’s what they want to do during their lunch more power to them. I just think that having enough space for everyone to eat should take priority over their ability to see the TV. Is this a fight worth picking?

    Reply ↓
    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Can y’all split the difference? Remove the shields, but leave the tables wherever, and then if a group is eating and needs to push them together that isn’t really a hardship, is it?

      Reply ↓
    2. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

      Just move the tables and the shields (hide/dispose of the shields if necessary).

      Space for everyone is more important. Maybe rope a supervisor in if needed. No need to bring up the General Hospital-ness of it all, just point out that with the tables separated/shields up, there is not room for everyone who is taking lunch, so *of course* this is the setup going forward.

      Reply ↓
    3. SAinHR*

      put the tables back together and hide the cough shields? :)

      can you talk to the person in charge of facilities and see if they might be able to address the situation?

      Reply ↓
    4. peter b*

      If not everyone can eat at their designated time because there’s not enough space, it’s not petty to bring that up and ask that a solution be found that lets everyone eat. Do you have authority over this, though? If yes, that’s reason enough. If no, getting a group of people if they care about the lack of space and focusing on the impact seems reasonable. And focusing on the consequences that needs solved hopefully would help sidestep the soap watching piece, which it truly isn’t about.

      Reply ↓
    5. HonorBox*

      Fighting over General Hospital isn’t one worth picking. But not having enough space for everyone to eat is for sure. I would talk to someone in management and indicate that with the present physical setup, there isn’t space for everyone. It may also be a schedule issue, and they may need to look at that, as well. If you have a dedicated eating area and the schedule and setup aren’t allowing everyone to eat their lunches, that should be addressed.

      Reply ↓
    6. Hyaline*

      Yeah, honestly…if someone had germ containment related concerns, even then I’d be saying “everyone having a space to eat during their break is still important, though.” If it’s just wanting to watch their TV show with an ideal setup? Nah. Make the focus that there isn’t enough room for everyone to eat and, since I’m guessing the schedule is not negotiable, that the setup needs to change to allow everyone a proper break.

      Reply ↓
    7. Rusty Shackelford*

      I’m distracted by trying to visualize how pushing the tables together creates more space. If you take two 4-tops and push them together, you have one table that seats six people instead of two tables that seat a total of eight people.

      Reply ↓
      1. Blue Spoon*

        Technically you’re right, but the cough shield makes it so you can only sit at either end of the table and have space. It’s right in the middle of the table, so if you want to sit on either side, you’re either right up against someone sitting at an end or the surface where you’d be putting your food is taken up by a giant wall of wood and plexiglass.

        Reply ↓
      2. I'm just here for the cats!!*

        I think the smaller tables don’t fit 4 people because of the screen. I’m imagining it like a screen that goes across the table so that you can have one person on one side and one on the other. but you can’t sit 2 people on the other ends because the screen would be in the way.

        Reply ↓
  15. Hotdog not dog*

    I’m at the final round of interviews for 2 different roles, both with the same company. There is about a 75% chance I will be offered both.
    *pay range, bonus, and benefits are close enough to be considered equivalent.
    *Job A involves pretty much everything I’m good at and enjoy doing, but the manager is terrible. She believes wholeheartedly in leading through intimidation. I’ve worked with her before, but never reported to her.
    *Job B involves a lot of tasks that I can do, and do them well, but I don’t enjoy them. I’ve worked with that manager before, and he’s truly a good manager.
    If I get zero or one offer, it’s a moot point, but I can’t decide whether I’d rather have a great job with a terrible manager or an unpleasant job with a great manager.
    For additional context, it’s highly unlikely that either manager will move on any time soon.
    Which would you choose, and why?

    Reply ↓
    1. DisneyChannelThis*

      Job B. I can learn to get better at a task and learn to find enjoyment with it. I cannot learn to enjoy a shitty manager.

      Reply ↓
      1. MsM*

        Ditto. You can always look for opportunities to take on stuff that’s more in your wheelhouse, even if it’s on a volunteer/gig basis, or treat it as a stopgap while you look for the right role. A bullying manager is a lot harder to recover from, especially if it starts impacting whatever you do enjoy about the work.

        Reply ↓
    2. Stuart Foote*

      I would hesitate before taking either, but I’d rather have a job I’m good at with a bad manager than the reverse. Managers come and go but job duties stay the same.

      Also, looking ahead of the next job you’re better off having the stuff you’re good at on your resume.

      Reply ↓
      1. Luckily retired now*

        This response tells me that you have never worked for a bad manager. Believe me, when you work for a bad manager you hate going to work every single day.

        Reply ↓
        1. JSPA*

          If you grew up in the right sort of impossible family, and grew the right sort of thick skin, certain sorts of bad manager don’t phase you much (while other sorts do).

          I have no problem with a yeller / thrower, or an indecisive drunk who forgets instructions, and I often don’t even notice barbed comments and insults. Manipulation makes me very stressed, though. And some tasks are things that bring me joy in any situation or surrounding, while others are nails on a chalkboard.

          So the big question is, what flavor of bad boss? And, how happy / miserable will the tasks make you?

          Reply ↓
    3. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

      If the managers are unlikely to change, I pick the job with the great manager. A bad manager can make even a great job a horrible experience.

      Reply ↓
    4. Seven Times*

      I’d rather take Job B. Manager A is going to make you hate doing something you should enjoy. Manager B is (hopefully) going to have an interest in finding out how to make you work well and that’s going to include making this work less unpleasant.

      Reply ↓
      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        Yeah, this reminds me of when I was in college and how I realized I often would enjoy classes where the subject matter wasn’t interesting as long as the professor was, and how some classes that I expected to truly enjoy were mind-numbing because the prof was a total dullard. Interestingly, as an introvert, I think the people I’m with make an activity/job more or less enjoyable than it would otherwise be, but I think that’s because I’m somewhat picky about who I like spending my time with.

        TL, DR: Go with the boss you like. Aside from him making the job more enjoyable, he also sounds like a better person who will be on your side as opposed to the bad boss who may not only be a bad boss to you but also someone who won’t go to bat for you or might even undermine you with other coworkers/higher ups at the company.

        Reply ↓
    5. mysterious and important*

      I’d go for the good manager. A bad manager could make me hate work that I used to love. It might be less likely that a good manager will make me like work I don’t enjoy, but at least it’s not a net loss.

      Reply ↓
    6. Elsewise*

      Job B. Get a fulfilling hobby outside of work, be open to changing how you feel about the tasks, and/or keep looking while you work there. Don’t subject yourself to a manager you know is terrible.

      Reply ↓
    8. SunnyShine*

      Is your mental health worth the risk if you become a target in job a? Will HR support a better culture if reports are made?

      In job b, if you get paid a lot to do boring tasks, is it worth it? Maybe reframing it will help.

      Reply ↓
    9. Why not?*

      I’m wondering if there’s an HR or recruiter you can relay your reservations about Job A to – or even the manager herself. Getting called in with “Hey, this management style doesn’t work for me, but here’s how I think we could have a great relationship” might be something that bully hasn’t ever experienced before and could lead to something productive.

      Reply ↓
    10. Mushroom Guppy*

      The more senior I get in my career, the more value I place on the manager. As long as you can do the core work well, the better manager will have the biggest impact on the quality of your life.

      Reply ↓
    11. NovaJumps*

      Go with the good manager. People leave bad managers not bad jobs. In my experience, I’d rather work with good people even when it’s hard or not interesting than work with terrible people. Your manager sets the tone for the whole department. And if Job B has a good manager like you say – then they will advocate for your growth and hopefully you will end up somewhere with both work you enjoy and people you enjoy.

      Reply ↓
    12. spcepickle*

      Good Manager, because it the tasks that you enjoy exist in the company a good manager will help you get fulfilling work, even if your job duties need to change a little. A bad manager will just make everything bad.

      Reply ↓
    13. juliebulie*

      My gut says take option B because I’ve had bosses that I swear took years off of my life expectancy.

      However, playing devil’s advocate, in both cases it’s possible that your boss will quit or be transferred or whatever, and you’ll end up with a different boss who will be the opposite of what you started with. In which case, it will be helpful if you also enjoy your work.

      It’s also possible that this manager you’re not crazy about, but have never reported to before, will like you and get along with you. Eh, maybe not. But if you aren’t worried that you’ll actually be afraid of her, it could work.

      Reply ↓
    14. Bast*

      Job B. A terrible manager can ruin even the best job. I’d rather deal with tasks I don’t particularly enjoy than someone who takes pleasure in making people miserable.

      Reply ↓
    15. HR Exec Popping In*

      This depends on what is more important to you. It will be different for different people. For me, I prefer enjoying my work and have learned how to get along with almost anyone as my manager. But I do know that I can’t do a job that I don’t enjoy.

      Reply ↓
    16. Blue Pen*

      B — There’s a better chance your manager there will advocate for you and steer you in the direction you want to take your career. There’s a reason people say they leave bad managers, not bad jobs.

      But honestly, both don’t seem like great options to me? Is it an option for you to keep looking for something that fits everything (or mostly everything) you’re looking for?

      Reply ↓
    17. Generic Name*

      I worked at a job where I enjoyed the work itself, but the manager was an asshole. It sucked, and I started job hunting 6 months after starting. If you have to choose between only these two choices, I’d pick the good manager. But, see if you can find out how often managers change positions. My last job I had the same manager for like 10 years. Current job, I’ve had 2, soon to be 3 managers (department manager positions seem to be springboard positions for staff).

      Reply ↓
    18. LaminarFlow*

      I would most likely go with Job B. An awful manager makes everything awful.

      However! If Awful Manager for Job A is highly respected/has a lot of influence/gets people promoted regularly, I might suck it up, slay my actual job performance, and become indispensable to Awful Manager – to use her as a stepping stone. This would require lots of reminders to myself that Job A is a gateway to bigger/better/different professional opportunities.

      If Awful Manager isn’t highly respected & influential within the company or industry, I would go with Job B because the ROI for working for Awful Manager isn’t there.

      Reply ↓
    19. MSD*

      Have you spoken to Manager A as part of your job interview? Asked her about her style of management etc? Maybe she has changed since you worked with her. It’s also possible to not let her intimidate you. I find just staring calmly at such people often makes them back down (in my head I’m calling them all sorts of a—- and f——wads). It is hard, though, to let stuff like that roll off your back.

      Reply ↓
    20. Nameo*

      Is there any difference in terms of future growth opportunities? or accomplishments to put on your resume? Since both (potential) offers have serious pros/cons and are otherwise the same, that’s what I would base my decision on. The one that gives you the most opportunity when moving on is what you should choose, since disliking your boss and disliking your work are BOTH crappy and BOTH are recipes for short job stints.

      Reply ↓
      1. Hotdog not dog*

        I appreciate this framing! I think B might have greater “future value”, but I’m at a point in my career where I’ve probably only got 15 ish years left. I know it’s not right (or legal), but it’s much harder to climb the ladder.

        Reply ↓
    21. Tio*

      Job B, because a good manager will help you learn and grow and increase your odds you’ll get into a better role, whereas a bad manager will hold you back. You’ll get out of Job B faster with a good reference if you can do the tasks, whether you like them or not.

      Reply ↓
    22. Hotdog not dog*

      I don’t have the luxury of turning both down- I was laid off from my previous job about a week ago, and I’m the sole breadwinner in my family. I was unhappy with my job and had already started looking a couple months ago, so thankfully I have a bit of a head start.
      I have had terrible managers before, and also terrible jobs. Assuming that Murphys Law remains in effect, there’s a chance Good Manager could leave and I’d be stuck. Bad Manager has been there for over 20 years and isn’t likely to move, but GM has moved around (mostly promoted) quite a bit. Otherwise, job B would be my first choice without hesitation.
      In the meantime, I’m still looking and hoping I find the magical combination of good job, good pay, and good manager!

      Reply ↓
  16. Feral Plant*

    I know we don’t like HR people in general so I’m fairly certain I won’t get much sympathy but I have spent 5 hours this week arguing with a senior leader who wants to ignore a law because he can imagine a scenario where in the future, it might be a problem (except it won’t be because the law allows us to change our approach if it is a problem!)

    And I won the argument. The employee is protected, the company is protected, and this guy is letting everyone know I don’t care about business needs and if I was good at my job, I would have figured out a way around the law.

    Ugh, what a week.

    Reply ↓
    1. Seven Times*

      Just because HR is there for the company doesn’t mean that your interests can’t align sometimes. You used an appropriate lever here! You’ve probably reduced your risk and the company’s risk. You also made a jackass mad!

      Reply ↓
    2. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

      Hey, you did your best, and the important thing is people are protected because you did your job well, and the senior leader who wants to ignore the law is an ass. Especially because business needs happen to include following the damn law.

      Reply ↓
      1. Feral Plant*

        That’s what’s so infuriating! This is the law! This isn’t my opinion (although I do agree that this was the right thing to do for a human).

        Reply ↓
    4. goddessoftransitory*

      Unless your boss is named Big Rocco and your job entails budgeting line items like “cement sneakers,” You are NOT supposed to be skirting the law, but complying with it!

      Reply ↓
  17. Mushroom Guppy*

    Bob’s Burgers (start up) gave me an offer. I would have to move to a different country, but one that I’ve lived in before and I’m fine to move. I negotiated and they just came back meeting my compensation request but not addressing my other requests (vacation time, moving support, etc). I want to respond asking them to include the other items we discussed verbally, but also to move this into an employment contract with a minimum 2 year commitment what’s if they let me go before that time I would get a break away fee. This last item would be a new request. I don’t want to appear difficult, but the more I’ve learned about the company, the more risk I’m seeing. How would you frame it? I’m speaking directly with the CEO.

    Reply ↓
    2. LaminarFlow*

      I have worked for start-ups, and I have moved internationally for work, but not at the same time.

      Re: Start-ups. Have you taken a deep dive into their financials? How much of the company do the founders own? How many other investors are there, and what percentage of the company do they own? (If the founders own less than like 55% of the company, and there are 5+ other investors, this company is burning through money, and is likely going to fail). How many funding rounds have been done? Are they revenue positive yet, how much cash is in the bank, and does their valuation for the company align with the actual valuation that is based on financials? If the start-up fails, and they are insolvent, you will probably not get your breakaway fee if they aren’t cashflow positive in 2 years.

      Re: Immigration support, relocation, vacation time. IDK where you are moving from or to, but the part that would give me pause is that they didn’t address those points that you requested.

      Overall, I would want these questions answered in writing before I accept. Relocating is expensive and stressful, especially with a start-up! I would frame it as wanting to clarify the finer points, so both parties can feel really secure about you joining the company, which is the truth.

      Reply ↓
      1. Mushroom Guppy*

        Thanks! This is very helpful. I do have access to financials but I have asked several of these questions.

        Reply ↓
  18. Hard Times*

    One of my direct reports has been going through a hard time (death in the family, difficult housing situation, etc.). As a manager, how do you express care without getting too involved? (Or how has a good manager done that for you?)

    Reply ↓
    1. KitKat*

      I’ve tried to just proactively, explicitly state that they should take the time they need and that I don’t expect their performance to be 100% and that’s not a problem.

      Reply ↓
    2. CzechMate*

      This is happening at my work. My boss was just diagnosed with cancer, and my coworker has a father with very serious, late stage cancer. Roles are reversed, but this is what I’ve been doing:

      -Let both know that I am happy to provide additional support with their workloads if they need to be out. As a manager, this could probably manifest as you offering some flexibility with time off and letting the employee know that some projects can be handled by others if they need to be gone. It could also include discussing the company EAP or FMLA.

      -Being more willing to check-in. It doesn’t need to be a big to-do, but just a “Hey, just wanted to say hi and see how you’re doing. Let me know if you need help with anything.”

      -Recognizing the person is stressed. Just in general, having a little patience because someone is frazzled/tired/upset and isn’t as “on” is a good thing.

      Reply ↓
    3. WantonSeedStitch*

      What I’ve done in the past (and the employees in question have expressed genuine appreciation) is offer as much flexibility as I can and ask if they need anything taken off their plate temporarily. I remind them of vacation time that they have available and encourage them to take any time off that they need. I also remind them of the EAP that we have and suggest it’s a good place to start if they need to reach out for help.

      Reply ↓
      1. Paint N Drip*

        this is what my boss did most recently, and it was what I needed – this is specific to my situation and no judgment to you Wanton, but if leadership is going to offer to help… please actually do what you’re promising because stressed-out employee returning to tasks actually not done and then pointed questioning about why things aren’t done prompts them to start job searching

        Reply ↓
        2. Sigh*

          Seconding this. I was encouraged to take all the time I needed. Then when I came back my time-sensitive work was stacked up and I was expected to work flat out catching up. I also started looking for another job.

          Reply ↓
    4. WorkerDrone*

      My favorite manager basically just let me know at the time that they cared about how I was doing, that I should be free to come to them if I need anything work-related, and otherwise gave me a lot of grace on taking time off when needed, or coming in late/leaving early when needed.

      One thing that was very helpful is they started being super clear about work needs and expectations. Whereas before, they’d send me off a document that needed action and just let me slot it into my task list, my manager started adding little notes like: “This is non-urgent and could be delayed as long as it is submitted by X date.” or, “This is urgent and needs to be submitted tomorrow.”

      That took a huge mental load off me – I was struggling to prioritize because misery-procrastination had taken me down at the knees and suddenly everything was urgent all the time which led to anxiety-procrastination. I was managing, but by the skin of my teeth.

      This wouldn’t be great for everyone of course but for me personally, a short period of micro-management took a massive amount of mental labor off my shoulders and helped me right the ship. My manager made it clear it had nothing to do with being unhappy with my job performance and everything to do with giving me some guard rails to make life easier, and it really did.

      Reply ↓
    5. Database Queery*

      Allison always suggests offering flexibility! Not just while it’s happening but also for a period afterwards. Sometimes you can put on a brave face for a few weeks and then need another few days to mop up again.

      When I was in a similar situation to your employee I appreciated my manager sharing with others how I preferred to be treated with regard to my loss. It was a small staff and everyone knew of the situation, but for my own dignity and stability I needed to compartmentalize and not have to face the “I’m so sorry, how are you doing” questions because they made me burst into tears, a prospect I found very embarrassing. I appreciated having my colleagues prepped for that and my manager aware that I might need to step away for a short while for privacy if it became too much.

      Reply ↓
    6. Strive to Excel*

      One of my coworkers had a rough time recently. Awesome things our manager did:

      * Arranged for as much leave as they needed to deal with personal things. This specifically meant reaching out to me and another coworker and getting the ball rolling on having us cross-trained to take over duties as needed.

      * Acted as an information source & limiter – he’d send out the email saying “coworker will be out this week, please contact me if you have anything that should go to them” and gently but firmly shut down any excessive discussion.

      * When they were feeling up to returning to the office, my manager (per their request) shared the news that there’d been a death in the family and they didn’t want to talk about it at work, so please don’t bug them. Manager did this by having a series of quiet conversations in his office, not as a meeting announcement.

      Tl;Dr – made sure coworker would have leave AND made sure all work duties would be covered, and handled spreading of info in an Alison-approved way.

      Reply ↓
    7. HonorBox*

      Flexibility and understanding.

      Tell them you know that they’re going through a tough time and that, within reason, you can offer support for some things they may need to take off their plate. Give them some grace when you’re evaluating their work. Let them know that if they need to take a call or step out for a moment, you’re ok with that. Give them the ok to step away from their desk or out of a meeting if they need to. Provide EAP information. Just show them that you understand that life is throwing them some curveballs and that you’re a person, not just a manager.

      Reply ↓
    8. GirlieePop*

      I went through a similar period a couple of years ago where just one thing after another kept happening, and I felt like I couldn’t keep my head above water. My manager at the time encouraged me to take time off (it helped that we have a pretty generous PTO policy), and when I messaged her on short notice a couple of times, she basically said, don’t worry about anything, I’ll look at your calendar and tasks and make sure everyone’s aware you’re out and get all your stuff taken care of. There was a lot of trust there and she didn’t pry or ask for an in-depth explanation or details; she just trusted that I needed the time and she gave it to me.

      That kind of thing was the most meaningful to me, but it was also nice to have her tell me she was sorry for everything I was going through and understood I might be distracted at work or need extra time for some projects and that was okay. We talked a little bit about things, but I think she kind of made a point to make work a place where I didn’t have to talk or think about everything going on, which was nice for me.

      I think the “getting too involved” part would really just happen if you tried to get involved in actions or conversations that aren’t in your purview as a manager. You don’t need to have big, in-depth conversations with them about their loved one or their housing situation or whatever, but doing what you can as a manager to make dealing with work during this time less stressful is absolutely something you should do.

      Reply ↓
    9. Lbkwrm*

      I went through a tough time last year. A specific but very helpful thing was to be granted the flexibility to drop off of calls/meetings to handle personal matters. I was remote but it could also work in office. There are lots of situations where it saves a lot of time and stress to be able to respond immediately (for example if a doctor is calling with a response to a question).

      Reply ↓
    10. RLC*

      I had an employee experience multiple serious personal health crises, family member health crisis and death, then substance abuse issues followed by inpatient mental health care.
      I contacted HR for procedural guidance “what flexibility can we offer employee” and EAP “how can I help employee navigate this situation”. Employee had NO paid leave available (used up), we were able to do some advance leave to keep him paid and on health insurance (we’re in the US). HR okayed me initiating the paperwork for all this as employee was overwhelmed.
      I also notified all staff who had any projects with my employee to contact me directly with any questions about his schedule and project status and to send all work requests directly to me. In addition, I informed the manager of another team who frequently worked with my employee of the situation (no personal details, just expected absences) to help him manage joint workload.

      Reply ↓
  19. yikes on bikes*

    Thanks to everyone who commented on my post last week about how fast I should leave my slowly-sinking company. For everyone who said to get out ASAP, you were right – I had a meeting with my boss this week that was supposed to be about determining which aspects of my team’s work we should prioritize (as we’re all overworked and can’t possibly do all that’s required of us), but turned into him hinting fairly strongly that some or all of us might be laid off in the near future if we don’t ‘prove our value to the company’. I was since told by the CTO to take on yet another project I don’t have time for, and frankly, I’m done. I’ve started to actively apply to jobs (already received my first rejections…), and I’m hoping to be out of here by June. I’m trying to look at it as an opportunity to explore new options, and thinking of just taking every Friday off to use up my vacation time. Thanks again to everyone for your advice, and I hope I’ll have a happier update for you soon.

    Reply ↓
    1. RagingADHD*

      As folks in a comment upthread pointed out, if your healthcare is at all tied to your employment (can’t remember where you are located), get all your preventative maintenance done now.

      Reply ↓
    1. Seven Times*

      Is it a medical condition or a curse? If it’s the former, probably. If it’s the latter, you’re probably looking for a religious exemption of some kind.

      Reply ↓
      2. mysterious and important*

        Can curses not result in medical conditions, though? “My body goes through uncontrollable processes once a month that cause me significant fatigue the next morning” seems medical, IMO. Or for another example, “My diet is limited to blood and I’ll die if I go near mirrors, garlic, or sunlight” seems to be both medical and religous-adjacent.

        Reply ↓
        1. Rusty Shackelford*

          Can curses not result in medical conditions, though? “My body goes through uncontrollable processes once a month that cause me significant fatigue the next morning” seems medical, IMO.

          It also sounds like your period, which would cause some managers to say “good lord, just do what you need to do and don’t talk to me about it.” So, a good thing?

          Reply ↓
    2. Sloanicota*

      It certainly seems like it would significantly interfere with one or more major life activities, to me …

      Reply ↓
    3. Just a Pile of Oranges*

      Arguably no, because the situation currently is that it’s not a recognized condition. Quite frankly, I’d argue that a lycanthrope appearing suddenly tomorrow would actually lose all human rights, rather than being granted additional ones.

      Now, if we’re going into a hypothetical AU where lycanthropy is a known and controlled issue and has been added to the big book of recognized disorders, then yes.

      Reply ↓
      1. Nightengale*

        I don’t believe the ADA actually requires conditions to be on a specific list. I’d have to check the text, but I believe the wording is impairment in one or more major life activities. In theory this would cover employees with documented symptoms even if a formal diagnosis is uncertain.

        The real question then becomes whether flexible scheduling would be considered a reasonable accommodation for this employer/role.

        Reply ↓
    4. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

      It certainly seems like it would fall under some kind of medical disability, regardless of whether you’re born a werewolf or bitten and become one.

      Reply ↓
    5. mysterious and important*

      Too many variables to be sure. Is the job only done during the daytime, and does the transformation only happen at night during the full moon? If so, does that cause fatigue, etc the next morning? The condition needs to “substantially limit a major life activity,” so I suppose sleeping would count.

      The job would also need to be such that shifting the lycanthrope’s hours (the only relevant accommodation I can think of, but I’m sure there are others) would not be considered an undue hardship for the employer. So…maybe?

      Reply ↓
    6. KitKat*

      From the EEOC:
      “To be protected under the ADA, you must have, have a record of, or be regarded as having a substantial, as opposed to a minor, impairment. A substantial impairment is one that significantly limits or restricts a major life activity such as hearing, seeing, speaking, walking, breathing, performing manual tasks, caring for oneself, learning or working.”

      I suppose in one sense lycanthropy is a sort of sleep disorder, which would impair one’s ability to work. On the other hand, it could be considered more of a curse than a disability, and the ADA doesn’t seem to cover issues that are supernatural in nature.

      Reply ↓
      1. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

        I think they would probably have to get some kind of doctor’s note, but they could definitely make a case for substantial impairment.

        Maybe FMLA would be the better approach?

        Reply ↓
      2. Pay no attention...*

        I think you definitely have a point if the lycanthrope was purely a physical transformation, but this could definitely be considered a mental health problem as well — not that the belief one is a werewolf is a mental health issue — but that going into uncontrolled bloodthirsty rages that there is currently no known or effective treatment for. This might be too severe for a simple ADA accommodation however.

        Reply ↓
    7. RagingADHD*

      The ADA doesn’t have a list of included or excluded conditions. What type of reasonable accommodations would the employee be seeking? Biting your coworkers, for example, is off the table.

      They might actually be better served by taking intermittent FMLA for chronic “flare ups.”

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        This makes me think of the movie An American Werewolf in London *SPOILERS if you haven’t seen it*

        …

        Where the two protagonists show up in the small village on the moors and hang out in the pub with the pentagram and so on. If you think about it, this is basically a situation where the entirety of the local population is being held hostage–that is, they all HAVE to stay inside the pub during the full moon–because their neighbor is out gallivanting through the fields and chomping on their sheep. It’s also clear that this has been going on for a very, very long time and is considered The Way Things Are Done.

        If someone wrote a letter to AAM about this, how would it read? “I get that Cedric can’t help rending flesh while the howls of the accursed echo around the place, but I keep putting in for alternate home accommodation pentagrams and replacement sheep and nothing’s happening!”

        Reply ↓
    8. Irish Teacher.*

      I actually wrote a Harry Potter fanfiction one time (before JK Rowling went off the deep end and rather ironic for that because there are echoes of transphobia in the actions of my villains) about the Ministry under Shacklebolt and Hermione trying to get lycanthropy covered under working rights and the villains portraying werewolves as a danger to children and the idea of giving them rights as going too far.

      Can’t speak to the ADA but your question made me think of that. It was a mystery story where the villains tampered with the Wolfsbane potion to make it look like it was unreliable and that therefore werewolves were more likely to be a threat.

      Reply ↓
      2. Ally McBeal*

        I’ve read quite a few HP fics just like this one – Hermione continuing to agitate for the rights of creatures and Beings is one of my favorite tropes.

        Also, to your point about not writing HP fic anymore because of JKR, I consider reading or writing fic to be an act of resistance to her bigotry. You know she must hate that she can’t do anything about how the community has taken ownership of the IP on AO3, and I’d say more than half of the HP fic being written these days begins with a disclaimer about how much the author despises JKR’s stance on trans people (not to mention genderbending being a popular trope). Just wanted to say that in case you find yourself missing the fandom. I also periodically donate to the Trevor Project and the Ali Forney Center to “atone” for my continued engagement with the IP, and I very rarely buy anything that would yield profits to WB/JKR.

        Reply ↓
    9. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      If we lived in a world where lycanthropy was something that affected people I don’t see why it wouldn’t be covered under ADA, but I think it would be situational dependent.

      I think it would depend on how it affected the person’s work and what they are needing. Would they need extra time off around full moon times or not have to work evenings?
      But if it’s something like, they are overtly angry and are taking it out on coworkers, that would not be covered by ADA. You can’t be a jerk and yell at coworkers, even if you’re a werewolf

      Reply ↓
    11. Lurker*

      Does the person turn into a wolf only during the full moon or is it “at will”. For the first I think ADA accommodation as it is outside your control but not for the second.

      Reply ↓
    12. lost academic*

      This is definitely a question for a law firm that amuses me greatly on Instagram so send it their way! @thehigginsfirm . They have a whole series of these sorts of questions and their answers.

      Reply ↓
      1. FoxInABox*

        I don’t have an instagram but you can pass it on if you think they’d like it. (’tis me but on another comp, should it matter).

        Reply ↓
        1. lost academic*

          It’s a real law firm, you can look them up and send it in! They operate as I recall in KY and TN.

          Reply ↓
    13. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Well looking ahead, how fast will lycanthropy spread through the workforce and wider society? Not everyone will get torn to shreds, lots of people will just get bitten. There’s an entertaining book called Bareback by Kit Whitfield, in which lycanthropy has become the norm and the few people who can’t change (the ‘barebacks’)are the oddities, and have problems in the workplace.

      Reply ↓
  21. taffygrrl*

    I am in the last stage of negotiation for a role at a very small association with a large board. (Sigh.) I have pulled a lot of comps for the role, and the salary number they are pitching is low. One of the board execs is going hard on “well, what percentage of the salary are the benefits equivalent to.” Has anyone ever dealt with this? (I will note, the comparative roles ALSO have better benefits…but they are all much larger organizations than ours.)

    Reply ↓
    1. Anon for this*

      I work at a small association with a large board and our benefits are about 40% on top of our salary. I am in a leadership role and make $150k, plus benefits

      Reply ↓
    2. Pickles*

      I don’t think this is weird. I worked for a very small nonprofit and was able to use my husband’s benefits so I got more salary. For the organization, salary and benefits are both costs to the organization.
      To counter that you need to know what your bottom line salary is because you have bills to pay.

      Reply ↓
    3. An Australian in London*

      Unless the benefit is something I am currently paying for, or would pay for if I earned more salary, I don’t count them for “evaluating comp” purposes.

      I can’t pay the rent with benefits.

      That said, I have occasionally had some success with swapping out benefits I don’t value for benefits that cost the organisation the same amount but replace direct costs of mine: broadband internet at home; my mobile/cellphone bill; (if RTO) my public transport monthly or yearly pass; an education & training allowance that’s both substantial and under my control.

      Even the now-almost-ubiquitous “perks” benefits often include discounted gift cards to places where I am already spending money. A 5% discount on my supermarket, entertainment, and dining expenses starts to add up to a valuable amount of money.

      I understand that in the USA, health insurance benefits (a) vary widely and (b) are very valuable. I’ve only lived and worked in countries where (private) health cover is, for one reason or another, neither attractive nor useful. Despite that, I’ve had jobs in both Australia and the UK offer me private health as a benefit.

      Reply ↓
      1. Goldie*

        Health benefits can be a big difference. At my last job it cost $900/month to include my family. At my current job is is free. There are retirement plans that make a big difference. I have a pension at my current job that makes it completely unattractive to leave my job ever.

        Reply ↓
  22. Just a Pile of Oranges*

    I’ve been narrating all our training presentations and I’m tired of listening to the sound of my own voice.

    That said, I’m restricted in that I can’t install anything on my computer or spend any money.

    Does anyone have some suggestions on the best way to record an AI voice presenting my PowerPoints?

    Reply ↓
    1. DisneyChannelThis*

      Powerpoint lets you record audio per slide. Just use your phone text reader or install a free reader program on a laptop you have permissions on and play from there. Or just narrate it yourself one more time and record on the work computer.

      Reply ↓
    2. Peanut Hamper*

      I googled “read text online” and came up with some good options. I played around with the first few and they worked pretty well. You’ll probably need to log in to them in order to be able to save the files.

      Caveat: unless you pay, you’ll be limited in how much you can do per day.

      Reply ↓
    3. A Significant Tree*

      There are some really impressive AI text-to-speech options out there – impressive compared to the accessibility read-aloud feature on MS products (which is dreadful), and similar to the level that you get with the AI assistants. A few voices are included in training software already, but given your constraints that only helps if you already have the software (Articulate 360 is the one I’ve seen a demo of). The freeware options might be your best bet, unless you have a coworker willing to lend a voice.

      Reply ↓
    4. Pyanfar*

      I’m going to put in my 2 cents for locating a junior staff member and getting them to do the voice work…they get to learn, you don’t have to listen to yourself, and no AI involved.

      Reply ↓
    5. Mentally Spicy*

      Please consider hiring a voice over artist. Creative professionals like me are starting to feel the “AI squeeze”. It would be great if anyone who is able to could default to hiring a talented human, rather than reaching for AI.

      Reply ↓
  23. Anon for this*

    Things at my workplace have gotten very, very bad. I was almost fired this week – I think I just barely squeaked by. The CEO has started firing people because he is mad at them (not because of any performance issue) and the program I run is in his crosshairs right now. Not for any real reason than he is just mad in general that we have lost funding due to federal cuts. My boss had a very frank discussion with me yesterday about how this is just what it’s going to be like and I need to figure out how to navigate it, including the CEO’s tantrums, and essentially, it’s very bad. I actually listened to the third wave episode of My Favorite Murder last night and saw a lot of what happened in that experiment happening in my company right now. It’s quite alarming.

    I don’t have another job lined up right now but if I quit I would be fine financially for up to several years. (It wouldn’t be ideal, but it would be doable.) I’m just not sure if it’s a good choice. Right now I have a great relationship with my boss and that is something I want to preserve. I worry if I stay too long something might happen to sour it – or if I get fired, they might prevent him from giving me a reference in the future.

    Other folks that have been in positions like this, do you have thoughts on this? I’d be especially interested in hearing from any former Twitter employees as I see a lot of similarities with what happened there and what is happening at my company now. Thanks!

    Reply ↓
    1. MsM*

      If you’re in that comfortable a position financially, I don’t think quitting’s the worst option on the table. At the very least, I’d put all of your energy into lining up a new job, and don’t factor your boss’s reaction into that. If they’re a decent manager, they’ll understand you getting out ASAP even if it creates more of a short-term headache for them. Frankly, I think there’s a good chance they had this conversation with you as a warning, not because they want you to just suck it up and deal. If they do think this is just how doing business works sometimes and you should be grateful to have any job, then trying to preserve a good recommendation from them at all costs isn’t worth it.

      Reply ↓
      1. Anon for this*

        Thank you! This is helpful. And yeah I’m more worried that if the CEO keeps being mad at me/my department, that will sour the relationship more than me leaving of my own accord would. And you might be right about that conversation. Now I am wondering if boss might be thinking of leaving too

        Reply ↓
        1. MSD*

          Why aren’t you looking for another job? A good relationship with a boss isn’t really reason to stay at a job. (Says someone that while in the same position has had 12 different bosses in a span of 16 years)

          Reply ↓
          1. Anon for this*

            Oh I am. There just aren’t any right now. My industry is being decimated by the current administration.

            Reply ↓
        2. I'm A Little Teapot*

          given what you describe, EVERYONE should be trying to leave. That is not a healthy work environment.

          Reply ↓
    2. 1,000 Snails in a Lady Skin*

      I have friend who quit her high-stress job at [toxic big tech company] with nothing lined up. She cashed out her stocks in 2022 and traveled for a year.

      Now, she’s been applying for jobs for 2 years and hasn’t gotten any nibbles and the money is slowly running out (since it’s now been 3 years since she last worked).

      The job market is especially terrible right now and not getting better. The longer your gap between jobs gets, the harder it will be to get hired (and it doesn’t matter if we think that’s right, it’s an unfortunate reality!). You’re always going to be a more attractive candidate if you already have a job than if you don’t.

      I highly recommend trying to stay around as long as you can but JOB HUNT JOB HUNT JOB HUNT while you still are employed. Other people might tell you that your mental health matters and just quit if you can afford it, but what will your mental health be like when you’ve been applying for a year or more and the money’s running out?

      Also there are lots of tips on these forums about how to survive the chaos of toxic or horrible workplaces so not going to address that other than to reiterate, don’t quit yet!

      Reply ↓
    3. Beth*

      You’re OK financially for several years? Quit! Rejoice in your quitting for everyone who wishes they could!

      Seriously, the only reason to stay at a toxic job where you’re at risk of being fired is because you can’t risk the financial loss of being out of work. Without that, there’s no incentive to stay. Quitting will get rid of any chance that you might be fired, and it’ll let you focus full-time on moving into your next opportunity. And given how you describe that frank conversation with your boss, I think he’ll understand you leaving; there’s a good chance he was actively hinting that you should.

      The risk is that finding your next role might take a while in this economy. But even now, the typical job hunt is several months, not several years; it sounds like you’re in good financial shape to coast through a long job hunt or potential re-skilling. I’d just suggest that you start job hunting soon instead of taking a long break, so you’re not caught off-guard if it takes longer than you hope.

      Reply ↓
  24. Justin*

    I got good news this week (this morning even) from my boss.

    Basically, as I’ve mentioned, I’ve been trying to collaborate with various teams for a while to build training courses, because that’s my job. The way it’s supposed to work is, we meet, scope the project, then we build materials, they review, we edit, etc etc etc.

    But these teams don’t do what’s requested in terms of review – they just like to join calls and talk. And their leadership does not enforce their collaboration. So then I have to do my own research, and last summer, I did my research, and then at the last second the other team was unhappy with my work.

    My team supported me etc. I got a raise and all that, I’m fine. But our organization is still pushing us to collaborate, yet the teams we’ve tried to work with still don’t quite get how it’s supposed to go.

    My boss finally admitted that we’re just going to work with other teams so we can get more done, and then we can show the other teams what we’ve done, which will be way better because of good collaboration, and THEN they can request time on our calendar…. and wait in line.

    So that was nice to hear. I was not looking forward to banging my head against the wall for another summer.

    Reply ↓
  25. Jzilbeck*

    I am quite amused by the random teams capabilities I occasionally discover. Apparently their AI capabilities interpret hand gestures and convert them into emojis that can spray across the screen… In the middle of a video call yesterday a vendor kept taking their hands apart then pressed back together while speaking…and AI thought they were making a heart symbol. So every time the guy opened his hands back up a bunch of hearts sprayed across the screen. It made for absolutely delightful entertainment.

    Reply ↓
    2. Charlotte Lucas*

      It also does the raised hand function. One of my coworkers gestures with her palm facing out, and she is constantly tagged as having a question.

      It also happened with a baby’s movements on a Zoom call. (He wasn’t alone, but his mom had to take him for a bit. My workplace lives seeing babies and pets, so we were cool with it.)

      Reply ↓
    4. Strive to Excel*

      I got caught off guard some years ago the first time I typed “congratulations” into my Apple Messaging app and got a spray of fireworks!

      Reply ↓
    6. Nightengale*

      It also causes accessibility issues. I recently attended a teams meeting where I could not follow the power point because the screen was just full of falling emojis. I don’t suppose you found a way to turn this off so an individual participant doesn’t have to see them?

      Reply ↓
      2. Jinni*

        I figured out how to turn it off for Zoom. The first time it happened…I couldn’t quite figure out what was going on. I was doing a remote call with my therapist because I was out of town. Not that amusing in that context….

        Reply ↓
        1. Anonanon*

          My therapist’s video platform requires you to acknowledge that they can’t turn the emoji thing off!

          Reply ↓
  26. Blackness*

    I had a job interview this week for a job I would have loved, but I feel like I didn’t do that well. However, I know that might be just my self-criticism kicking in. I’d love to hear any stories of times when people thought they bombed the interview but ended up getting the job.

    Reply ↓
    1. Synaptically Unique*

      My husband had to take a test for one job. He said he failed the test. When he went in for an interview, which he didn’t expect in the first place, they told him he had the highest score of anyone who took the test. You just never know.

      Reply ↓
    2. Aggretsuko*

      I got offered a job despite having to admit to being written up. However, I think that job had very low standards :P

      Reply ↓
    3. Elsewise*

      I got a meeting link in a calendar invite and a separate link in an email. Didn’t notice it, and used the email link because I don’t really use calendar invites in my personal life. Long story short, I was nearly 20 minutes late for my first interview. Panicked because I couldn’t figure out how to explain without throwing their admin under the bus, wound up mumbling something that in retrospect made it sound like it was my fault. But I still got the job, got a much higher offer than I’d expected, and have been there for two years and gotten a promotion!

      Reply ↓
      1. Analyzer of data*

        When I made the jump into IT, I took a skills test that I absolutely bombed. Half my answers were “I’d Google that.” But I got the job. Turns out they were looking for soft skills, like relationship building and communication, figuring everything else could be taught or Googled.

        Reply ↓
      2. bananners*

        Back before I had a smartphone (2007 so iPhone had just come out), in an industry where sending a calendar invite wouldn’t have been a thing, I wrote down the wrong interview time – 30 minutes after my actual interview. I received a phone call from the hiring manager when I was just minutes away from the location asking me if I had any trouble finding it. I told her no, not at all! I’d be in shortly. So I walked in 10 minutes early and they ushered me in immediately. Had the interview, it went fine, but I never acknowledged being late because I didn’t know. Until I walked out to my car, looked again at my pocket calendar, and realized I had been 20 minutes late. I called the hiring manager immediately and apologized. They hired me anyway.

        Reply ↓
    4. Nameo*

      This happened to me last week! Panel interview, kicked off with some intense technical questions that I had no idea how to answer. I explained that the particular technical area she asked about was one of the things I knew I was weak in, and what resources I would use to learn. I also gave my best guess and was immediately told I was wrong. I felt shaken and, as a result, didn’t answer the rest of the questions to the best of my ability. Afterwards, I spent at least an hour thinking about the interview and composing a follow-up/thank you email..
      I got offered the job within 2 days! I start in just under two weeks :)

      Reply ↓
    5. Stuart Foote*

      I had an interview where I thought my responses were fine but not amazing, but 40 minutes in the hiring manager evidently had something come up and was clearly reading emails on his other monitor. His boss didn’t even want him to interview me in the first place because he (somewhat correctly) didn’t think my experience matched the role.

      I got the job.

      Reply ↓
    6. Mx. Snuffleupagus*

      Last fall I had what I thought was a not terrible but not great interview. The round with just the hiring manager went well, but during the round with the committee I kept asking them to repeat the questions and they all kind of looked annoyed the whole time (that might have been annoyance with technical difficulties on their end, to be fair).

      I was pleasantly surprised to get a job offer two days later. (I ended up turning them down for a number of reasons, but that’s beside the point.)

      Reply ↓
    7. Unauthorized Plants*

      When I was looking for part time work during grad school I was 20 minutes late for a 30-minute interview once (freak traffic–I should have been in the area an hour early based on when I left), didn’t feel I answered questions well, AND THEN my phone that should have been on silent went off at about an 11 in the middle of the very-off-schedule interview and I comically could not get to it in my giant bag of who-knows-what to turn off. I can’t remember what my ringtone was (circa 2005) but it was probably obnoxious, knowing 22 year old me. Somehow I still got an offer from this org after all that (which is amazing to me because they have a VERY competitive, highly respected program for early-career folks with my grad degree–this wasn’t part of that program, but people want to work at this place as a way to get their foot in the door).

      And the call that came? Another job offer! I ultimately ended up taking that for reasons *mostly* unrelated to making an absolute ass of myself in that not-exactly-bombed interview (the idea that traffic could be THAT bad in the early afternoon did scare me off a bit, admittedly), and it turned into one of the most formative for my career. I kind of wish I answered the phone and accepted the offer in the middle of that horrifying interview just for the performance art aspect now.

      Reply ↓
    8. Joielle*

      Honestly, every time I’ve thought I did amazing in the interview I haven’t gotten the job, and every time I thought I did just ok, I have gotten it. It’s so hard to know how things are coming across!

      Reply ↓
    9. Percy Weasley*

      The first two interview questions were “tell us about your deep, extensive experience with …” things I DO NOT have deep, extensive experience with! And there’s nothing in my application package suggesting that I do! I stumbled through explanations about adjacent experience. They were not warm & friendly and I assumed it was so bad I didn’t even bother asking any questions when it was my turn. Many weeks later, I was SHOCKED to get an offer.

      Reply ↓
  27. Blue Spoon*

    Has anyone noticed a lag in posting with longer posts? Sometimes I’ll submit a longer question and it looks like it didn’t go through, so I’ll try again then find my first attempt sitting further up. Is it a moderation thing? If so, is there a general amount of time I should wait before assuming my post vanished into the aether and trying again?

    Reply ↓
    1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      It’s a moderation thing, and it varies a lot from day to day in my experience. Never really been able to figure out a pattern to it.

      Reply ↓
  28. Aggretsuko*

    So my psychiatrist wanted me to up my antidepressant. I never had any side effects at a lower dose and felt great, and I’ve been really unpleasantly ambushed by how groggy and sluggish I’ve felt in the mornings since starting to up it 2 weeks ago. I’m spending hours a day chugging caffeine, I don’t feel rested no matter how much sleep I get (and it’s taking longer to fall asleep, so it’s shorter now). And I don’t have very many sick days saved up/qualify for FMLA, so I have no choice but to come in if I’m not 100%. Unfortunately, I got in trouble this week and it was pointed out that I’ve basically been incoherent in meetings the last two weeks. I asked too many questions, asked the wrong questions, and was unable to articulate questions. Which I was unaware of. Office is aware I have a disability, boss is great about it, said to let her know if I was feeling poorly–but I didn’t even know I was that badly off. I couldn’t TELL. I also embarrassed the shit out of myself in a meeting and another unit who hates us was delighted about it and apparently being…unpleasant… about me. I gave them great ammunition against us.

    What do I do? I’ve crapped all over my reputation, I don’t feel great, can’t judge how I’m doing, and I can’t take a few weeks off from work to adjust to medication either. I’m also terrified I won’t make probation, even though my boss was reassuring on that one.

    Reply ↓
    1. Just a Pile of Oranges*

      This feels like a really important discussion to have with your psychiatrist. I’ve never had a doctor keep me on meds that messed me up like that without some kind of support.

      Reply ↓
      1. Aggretsuko*

        I left her some messages, but I haven’t heard back on the second one. She originally said to give it a month (it’s been 2 weeks) and she said it’d be a 2-3 week adjustment period, so I guess that was to be expected?

        Reply ↓
        1. Paint N Drip*

          Psych drugs are so much experimentation, and if the side effects are disrupting your life the experiment isn’t working! There are always more medicines, dosages, and timing factors that could be played with and your health is your own to manage so don’t be afraid to make a decision that this medicine is NOT for you and make a plan to go back to your regular dosage. Of course you do want to connect with your doc to do so, but again don’t be afraid to keep calling and be firm with your needs.

          Reply ↓
    2. KitKat*

      Who shared the feedback, was it your boss? Can you ask them for ways to mitigate the damage while you work with your doctor on it?

      I would be very straightforward if you haven’t already — you are having issues with a medication adjustment, you were aware there was a problem but weren’t aware how severe it was until very recently, you’re working with your doctor on it as fast as possible. If you can offer ideas of temporary solutions (work on stuff that doesn’t require so many meetings? Shifted work hours?) that would probably be helpful.

      Reply ↓
      1. Aggretsuko*

        Yes, it was my boss. She asked what was going wrong (she could even track the dates) and I told her what was going on, since she’d been out of the office for most of the time this was happening. That’s about what I said to her. She did say she can handle the meetings if I need her to, which may have to be the case.

        Reply ↓
        1. KitKat*

          As a manager, what would be important to me would be to know that you understand the seriousness & urgency of the issue, that we have a temporary plan in place to keep work moving as well as it can, and that the temporary plan will truly be temporary (i.e. you have steps or a rough timeline that will get you back on track). If you haven’t communicated all of that clearly to your boss I think it would be worth doing so. If you have then I think you’re doing all that you can and just need to keep her updated.

          Reply ↓
    3. RagingADHD*

      How long is your probation? Unless you were in a crisis that required immediate changes to your medication, it seems like your psychiatrist should take your life circumstances into account before tinkering with it.

      Definitely give them a call, because this sounds unsustainable unless the expected adjustment period is nearly over. It’s certainly time for a talk with your manager about the fact that you are not feeling well and it is a temporary adjustment.

      And you should probably ask your manager to alert you immediately if it seems like you’re “off” in meetings. I can’t imagine your teammates or manager noticing that you were “incoherent” and not, at a minimum, pulling you aside afterward to ask if you were OK.

      Reply ↓
      1. Aggretsuko*

        I have a few more months to go. I’ve been incredibly stable on the old dose and had no side effects, which is why I didn’t think it was going to be a problem to up it. More fool me, I guess. I’m sure my boss will notify me if I’m off again, under the circumstances.

        Reply ↓
    4. Slow Gin Lizz*

      I agree with both of the comments on here. I once was switching anti-anxiety meds and the new meds made me so tired I couldn’t think straight. I remember one very specific mtg I had where I was trying to cross-train someone in one of my job tasks; I couldn’t explain the simplest of things to her, couldn’t think of any of the correct words, and finally just ended the mtg early and told her that I was having a bad reaction to my new medication. I called my doctor after three or four days on the meds and told them under no uncertain terms was I going to continue taking this medication. They said, “Oh, you should adjust to it in a couple of weeks.” I said, absolutely not, I’m a total zombie on this, I can’t do my job, I have to sleep on the train on the way home (which I never did before), I cannot take two more weeks of this.

      So yes, talk to your doctor and talk to your boss about what’s happening, go back to your previous dose of the medication and ask if there’s a different medication you can try that won’t have similar side effects, and tell your boss that you’re dealing with a medical situation that should be under control soon. Best of luck!

      Reply ↓
      1. Aggretsuko*

        We’ll see how it goes. I actually feel “back to normal” around midafternoon/night (too bad jobs insist on your being there in the morning) and I’m pounding a lot of caffeine right now to try to ramp up in the mornings. I do think the reasons why she suggested upping the meds were valid–I’m at neutral emotionally but I still have the raging voice of hate in my head on full blast, essentially–and I’ll politely give it another few weeks, but if this doesn’t improve soon, we’ll be having a talk. The follow up appointment is in another three weeks.

        Reply ↓
        1. Sharon*

          I’d tell your boss you’re working with your doctor on a medication change and hope to have it dialed in shortly. No need to disclose your specific condition.

          Have you considered changing the time you take your meds? If you take them once a day in the morning and they make you groggy, maybe switch to taking them before bed.

          Reply ↓
        2. Bumblebee*

          Can you take your medication at a different time of day to put the normal feeling in the morning?

          Reply ↓
    5. MSD*

      Why if you felt great did your doctor increase your dosage? I don’t ask that because I want details but because I think that it’s a question for your doctor. Seems like an odd thing to do without a very compelling reason. Not just “it’s the recommended treatment plan”

      Reply ↓
    6. Mariana Twonch*

      This is really a discussion for your doctor, but if you were feeling so great and functioning so well on the old dose, why increase it? Especially if it’s messing up your life to this degree. If I were you I’d insist on going back to my old dose, unless your doc can give you some specific and compelling reasoning for staying on the higher one.

      Reply ↓
    7. Low Stakes Lulu*

      Even if you’re not eligible for FMLA, you are eligible for an accomodation under the Americans with Disabilities Act, ADA. Leave time can be an accommodation. It would be unpaid if you don’t have PTO available but it would be job-protected.

      At this point, if you’ve told your employee that you’re having work difficulties because of a medical reason, they are on notice that you may need an accommodation. But it’s up to you to ask.

      I hope your therapist can help you find a good next step to address all this!

      Reply ↓
  29. Addie*

    My boss is relatively new at managing and recognizes they need help, so I’m trying to give them ideas to help advance goals. I’m finding that my ideas are usually accepted, but they’re getting changed when implemented. In many cases, these changes are ill-considered.

    How do you handle a boss that takes your ideas and makes changes to them so that they’re 30% worse?

    Reply ↓
    2. Cookie Monster*

      Is your boss actively asking for your input? Can you follow up with them about one of your ideas, ideally with evidence that their changes made things worse? Not in a confrontational way, of course, but just in a “here’s what I’m seeing, I thought you should know” kind of way.

      Reply ↓
      1. Addie*

        There’s certainly an open door. If I didn’t contribute, I’d be asked for input.

        It would be hard to show how their changes make things worse because the idea as I suggested it wouldn’t be implemented. Even if I could, I don’t think that would change much.

        Reply ↓
        1. Cookie Monster*

          You said below that because of these bad ideas you’d “to have to fix things with less time than I’d like, let substandard products be delivered, or let things fail.” Has any of these things happened yet? If not, you might have to wait for the consequences of your manager’s decisions to happen before you can go to them with this info. They might just have to learn as they go along which sucks for you and your team but oh well.

          Reply ↓
    3. LuckyPurpleSocks*

      Are you concerned that these 30%-less-great ideas are going to tarnish your reputation, or are concerned about the reputation/experience of your boss affecting you/your team negatively?

      Reply ↓
      1. Addie*

        One concern is that when these ideas don’t work, I’m going to have to fix things with less time than I’d like, let substandard products be delivered, or let things fail. I’d prefer to avoid the last two, but may not have a choice.

        One concern is that these ideas will make the team look bad and not advance goals. In some cases, people will look bad when put in bad spots.

        I’m less concerned that these ideas will tarnish my rep. But that possibly has crossed my mind also.

        Reply ↓
    4. Thin Mints didn't make me thin*

      Does your organization or department have a set of goals you can keep referring back to? “Thanks for implementing my idea about the morale-boosting picnic, Theophania, but I think the addition of having the CEO give a speech about how awful things are in Washington did not help the event advance our goal of ‘Establish a positive, supportive work environment.'”

      Reply ↓
  30. Angry librarian*

    Academic librarian here. I do research on helping people actually get better at recognizing & not falling for disinformation, and that research was funded by a federal grant from the Institute of Museums and Libraries.

    IMLS was essentially shut down this week, and now their social media accounts are posting propaganda about how they got DOGE’d because they were doing heinous things like offering support, programs, and research that benefited women, queer people, people of color, etc. They did a lot of good of public libraries, so clearly we can’t have that kind of socialism! (/s)

    I still have my job, which leaves me better off than a lot of Americans this week, but it’s exhausting and infuriating. Spending all my time in performative anger does nothing but hurt me. Giving up and going through the motions doesn’t do much good for the people my job is supposed to help. I knew this was coming, but it still hurts.

    I do all the things the little people are supposed to do – call my reps, go to protests, etc., but those aren’t achieving much. I’m being dehumanized, my work is being devalued, and for what? Corporate greed, political ego, and hate? What a stupid world. I don’t have a question, just looking for commiseration.

    Reply ↓
    1. Coverage Associate*

      I will be writing my electeds at all levels about funding for public libraries as part of Library Week next week. The local organization says Thursday is the day to write.

      I am wearing my new “Happiness is coffee and a good book” shirt right now. And my spouse will be at the library today almost single handedly keeping their circulation numbers up. The closest library is closed Fridays, but the staff there says he checks out so many books he was brought up at a management meeting. (Like, really, he moves their circulation numbers very high for such a small branch)

      He’s at a different library today because they have Link+, so we use academic libraries too, despite being just very nerdy normal citizens.

      I hope something in there cheers you up. My sibling works for the Department of Interior. I sympathize.

      Reply ↓
  31. Missing Stair Awareness Society*

    I am trying to figure out how to handle a team dynamics issue. We have a new supervisor (‘Bob’) who definitely won’t be passive and is trying to coach a team member (‘Cecil’) that the others of us think is unsuitable for a number of reasons (values/culture fit and work quality), but who presents very well (competence and confidence seem inversely proportionate with this one).

    I appreciate that Bob is being proactive, but the ways he’s trying to address the work side seem totally ignorant of the trust side and are making it worse. Bob seems to bringing Cecil into conversations which are sensitive and outside his area, or have told Cecil to ask to sit in, so that he can learn—but when you don’t trust someone, having them sit in is stressful. I am able to set it aside somewhat but another teammate has had it (for good reasons) and clams up as much as possible. Add to this that Cecil is extremely confident when explaining things inaccurately and he and Bob seem to have a buddy-buddy dynamic.. Grandboss told me to share some concerns with Bob. But how? Old supervisor (lateral move to a different team) is very aware and is helping with the transition, so I’ve thought about a conversation with the three of us so that it doesn’t come across as a personal problem. But I’m a bit at a loss.

    Reply ↓
    1. Sloanicota*

      I would worry that Bob has already fallen for Cecil’s schtick here, versus trying to coach him in the way you might have hoped. If so, it’s very delicate to find ways that let Bob see for himself that Cecil isn’t good.

      Reply ↓
    2. Parenthesis Guy*

      This is tough. I dealt with a co-worker like this but my boss already had concerns about their work. I got through it by showing that the co-worker was incompetent. The best way going forward is to make Cecil talk and make mistakes.

      Reply ↓
    3. MsM*

      Tell Bob you appreciate him wanting Cecil to learn, but throwing him into meetings where he doesn’t have the background or training to understand the full context of what’s being discussed and honestly doesn’t need them to do his job isn’t the best way to do that. Also mention that you’ve noticed Cecil has a tendency to take what information he has and extrapolate on it in ways that could frankly cause problems if he were communicating with any external or high-level people, and you’re particularly concerned about what happens if he does that with anything he picks up during these discussions.

      Reply ↓
    4. Hyaline*

      Before any conversations, hash and be able to articulate what exactly you want to change–what actionable items would you want to implement? To put another way, what boundaries do you want to set about Cecil? I don’t think you can really do much about “Bob thinks Cecil is great, we all see through Cecil’s act and he’s not great.” But you can talk about setting limits on, say, the “Cecil sitting in” stuff. Approaching that from an efficiency/necessity angle might help–it’s not that you dislike Cecil, it’s that you’re covering sensitive information that he really doesn’t need access to, or that your meetings need to be efficient and including Cecil is bogging things down. It’s not that Cecil is a PITA, it’s that when he gets assigned to things he’s not trained on, it’s detracting from your ability to get work done. The issues with poor work or being wrong about things are ultimately his boss’s problem to handle, but anything that directly impacts you, you can and should be able to discuss boundaries to let you work unimpeded.

      Reply ↓
    5. EA*

      Ideally, approach Bob with a proposal that works for you but also gives Cecil the opportunity to learn. Sharing concerns about how you don’t trust this person won’t get you very far, but a concrete suggestion might – i.e. suggesting that Cecil sit in on ABC meeting (where you find his participation acceptable) and that you’ll share XYZ resources with him.

      Reply ↓
  32. Rogelio*

    So for other DEI staff whose firms are shuttering the programs, what sort of roles are you pivoting to? I love this work, but even before the past few months I’ve been hurt by companies just talking the talk. General HR roles? Learning and Development?

    Reply ↓
    1. David's Skirt-pants*

      Our org’s DEI department has gone into a similar-but-different sort of work meant to strengthen ERGs, retain talent, philanthropic and economic impact work overseas, etc.

      Best of luck and happy pivoting!

      Reply ↓
  33. PBJ*

    Does anyone else kinda zone out when presenting on a Zoom/Teams/Google Meet call? The moment I start talking I no longer notice the faces – I’m in my own little world. Just me?

    Reply ↓
    1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      Totally normal when doing public speaking.

      However – are you able to pick up body language signs subconsciously? Are you aware if people start to fidget, look startled, etc?

      Reply ↓
        1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

          OK, well in that case I think you need to build in some “scan the audience” time; when you make slide transitions, when you change topic, etc. It’s hard with tiny show-back windows on video, of course.

          Is it OK in your office culture to encourage people to use the raise-hands feature?

          Reply ↓
    2. RagingADHD*

      No, I’m focusing on my presentation. Video is useless to me for nonverbal feedback unless it’s 1-1 or a very small group conversation that everyone is participating in. And even then, people’s facial expressions on video calls are not particularly accurate or useful as feedback because they are unnatural.

      When I have done live public speaking or performing, the vibe of the room is not something I get from watching faces. It’s sound and a physical sensation – they call it a vibe for a reason.

      Reply ↓
    3. EA*

      I hate presenting on Zoom with my own face visible because I get really distracted by it! Even if I hide myself, I worry about what I look like.

      Reply ↓
    4. beach read*

      I thought it was just me!
      I have presented on calls and in person meetings for years, but when it’s my turn to speak during a Teams meeting, forget it! It’s like I have no idea what I am saying or who is in front of me. It is so bizarre.

      Reply ↓
  34. LlamaBoots*

    Any advice for how to cope when your boss is taking over work in your purview?

    I work at a federal contractor. I’m trying to find a new job, but it’s tough at the moment. I’ve also been pretty unhappy with my job since my new supervisor came on board. Throughout most of that time, he’s been occupied with two large projects. (Sidenote: both projects were shitshows because boss didn’t actually have the experience or technical skills to lead them.) But now the projects have come to an end and he’s refocusing on what he really “loves” to do, which happens to be the work I was hired to do (I’ve been with the organization a little longer than him). Let’s say I was hired to generate and manage our portfolio of llama boots. Llama boot-making is apparently his “passion”. I can appreciate that and it’s a big enough scope of work that he can certainly contribute, but this is something that I was hired to manage and am supposed to be viewed as the lead within our organization. Slowly but surely, he is referring to himself as overseeing this scope of work and is presenting himself as the main contact, who I gather will then delegate to me when he’s not making boots himself. I’ve been steadily turning out llama boots that have done well and already constructed a catalog of llama boots I’d planned to oversee and make many of myself. Despite this, my boss will talk about how it’ll be so great once the organization starts producing llama boots and now he has the time to invest in that. I also have more ideas I’d like to pursue because this is my field of work. There is no recourse I can see because my grandboss seems checked out, doesn’t seem to have any qualms about my boss doing whatever he chooses, and also seems focused on the idea that our team is a family (yes, gifts flow up here). It essentially means it doesn’t feel possible to report any issues amongst the team.

    I believe that getting out is my only real option. I’m essentially dealing with being demoted not because of performance (I consistently get great performance reviews and feedback), but because my boss has a personal interest. BUT, so far, finding something else has been harder than ever.

    Reply ↓
    1. Sloanicota*

      Yeah, definitely keep looking in case another boot role comes up you can jump to. But I wonder if you can also address this head-on with your boss, and maybe carve out at least a part of it that he agrees will stay with you? I’m not sure it can *hurt* you at this point to come in with a strong defense, “here’s what I’ve been doing and here’s my success metrics, I really love this work and believe I’m doing well, it concerns me to hear you might want to take the lead on this and I’d like to hear more about your vision for that, and particularly how you view my role evolving in the future.”

      Reply ↓
  35. Jessica Ganschen*

    Wanted to share a bit of good news! I got fired from my federal job on February 24th, got an interview with a state government agency on March 17th, and was told they’d get back to me by the end of the next week with plans for a second interview. Instead, they called back the very next day to tell me, “Actually, we’re skipping the second interview and going straight to hiring you. How’s April 7th sound for a start date?” So I’m going to be at my new job this Monday!!! It’s a great commute (and actually an even better one after I move to a different place this summer), pays a couple dollars more per hour than the federal job did, and it’s really going to let me get more experience on things I’ve enjoyed but haven’t been able to do a lot at past jobs. So exciting!

    Reply ↓
    8. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      Congratulations!
      You must have totally rocked with your resume and that first interview.

      Reply ↓
  36. Peanut Hamper*

    I have been tasked with updating our training slide decks and the person who created them six or seven years ago had no idea (apparently) how PowerPoint actually works. It is so frustrating! The main thing is they had no idea how to use paragraph spacing, and used an empty paragraph to separate paragraphs. It’s a lot of manual work. Has anyone ever had to do this, and did you come up with a faster, automated way to do this?

    Reply ↓
    1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      I’ve had that issue with other kinds of MS Office documents too. Spreadsheets with weird formatting, documents with inconsistent tabs, etc.

      I’ve never figured out a good automated way to do it. I just get myself into an editing zone and try to crank through as much as I can in an hour or two, then switch to something else for a bit and let my eyes and CTRL-XCV fingers rest.

      Reply ↓
    2. Lady Danbury*

      Would format painter work with this? Format a few paragraphs correctly and then export the formatting to other sections?

      Reply ↓
    3. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      Can Slide Master help out in standardising formatted text? Or find & replace? This sounds so aggravating, my sympathies!

      Reply ↓
    4. Reba*

      It’s not perfect but you can use Find-Replace in powerpoint! You might be able to use it to remove all empty paragraphs.

      When I learned the Replace Font option, it changed my life for the better, lol.

      Reply ↓
    5. Insert Pun Here*

      No idea if this exists in PP, but in Microsoft Word you can do a find and replace where both the “find” and “replace” are spaces. I use it to replace double spaces after a period with a single space.

      Reply ↓
      1. Pyanfar*

        The code for the end of a paragraph is ^p…so, if you find ^p^p and replace with ^p you eliminate all those extra blank lines.

        ^t is a tab, for those people who didn’t know how to set tab stops and just tabbed across the slide…

        Reply ↓
    6. LuckyPurpleSocks*

      I wonder if Microsoft Co-Pilot (if you have it available with your license) would be able to help clean up the PP?

      Reply ↓
    7. spcepickle*

      I got all the powerpoint slides from the guy who taught a college level class before me. They were TERRIBLE. I just ended up totally starting over with his slides on my left screen and brand new power point deck on my right either coping and pasting text or even just retyping it. I did not figure out a way to automated.
      Mostly just a message to commiserate that other people’s slides are the worst to update.

      Reply ↓
  37. AnonymousOctopus*

    Hand and nail care tips/tutorials to look more polished at work? (Feel free to remove this if it’d be better for the non-work open thread, Alison.)

    People are looking at my hands all day when I’m doing my work duties. I also tend to pick at my cuticles and they are not always pretty to look at. I use a bandaid if they’re very raw or bleeding of course, but after a lifetime of trying I’ve given up hope for breaking the habit completely. My industry doesn’t allow me to have painted nails or I’d just slap some color on there and call it a day. I’m also not a manicure person so I don’t have a frame of reference of how to shape my nails.

    Any tips for minimizing cuticle picking that worked for you? Or any stupidly-simple tutorials for shaping nails (including how to fix it if you screw up)? A product/manicure tool that really help with cuticles and nails that I could keep on my desk?

    Reply ↓
    1. Lady Danbury*

      Would getting professional manicures (without polish) help? When my nails are neat and tidy, I have more motivation to keep them that way, even without polish. Also keeping cuticle oil/cream at my desk helps divert the fidget with my cuticle impulses to doing something that actually makes them better.

      Reply ↓
      1. AnonymousOctopus*

        Is cuticle oil worth it? I have a hand cream but wasn’t sure if cuticle oil was different enough to make an impact.

        I’ve gotten a manicure once or twice but to be honest the manicurists always seemed annoyed that I wasn’t getting a full set. They’d keep trying to upsell me and it was pretty uncomfortable being stuck for 20-30 mins having to say “no thanks” over and over.

        Reply ↓
        1. Double A*

          I feel like telling the manicurist, “I’m not allowed to have nail polish for work, so no” might help.

          Are you not allowed any polish or just colored? Because a clear coat might help.

          Reply ↓
          1. AnonymousOctopus*

            Yeah, I’ve explained to them. Then they start in on that I can’t be right, that what sort of job doesn’t let you, and even if I explained why I can’t it just became “But if you get them done then you’ll stand out at work and be noticed, that’s a good thing!”

            At first I thought it was just that one nail tech but it’s happened every time, with different nail techs and salons in multiple states. I’m just not cut out for the high pressure salesman aspect of it all. Add in that I’m nonbinary and a lot of the pressuring comments are gendered, and it makes me unwilling to deal with getting a professional manicure.

            Reply ↓
            1. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

              My manicurist pushed a little when I switched to clear polish. I finally told her my cardiologist wanted to see my nail beds during my appointments. I had gel polish on at my first appointment and the doctor was like “can you take it off” and I said “not without soaking in acetone for 20 minutes. I won’t have polish next time.”

              Reply ↓
            2. WestsideStory*

              Around here it is called a “buffing manicure” so maybe find a salon that can do that? They just clean it up and buff the nail to a natural, healthy looking shine. It’s very popular with men in my city.
              Alternately, just tell them you have to leave the polish off because you have a medical appointment coming up (you don’t have to say when) and the doctor told you “no polish.” That might stop the comments.

              I also pick at my cuticles when I’m nervous, and it’s a struggle not to do it in tense business meetings. I have tried putting a ring on each hand and twisting the ring, but that looked pretty sad, so now my go-to is to have the ring just to remind me to keep my fingertips alone.

              Reply ↓
        2. The Prettiest Curse*

          I hate nail polish, but like getting the occasional manicure. I have always been very upfront when booking and reconfirming appointments that I don’t want any nail polish at all, and I’ve never had a problem. I will also re-iterate on arriving for my appointment. Sometimes they will charge you less since it doesn’t take them as long, so it doesn’t hurt to ask. I’ve also seen places that offer a basic manicure service which is just trimming/shaping nails, cuticle maintenance and a few other items, so maybe try a place that offers those. Just say that you hate nail polish and that should prevent them from launching into the hard sell.

          Reply ↓
        3. Lady Danbury*

          Definitely worth it. I’m a consistent hand cream user (have it by my bed on my desk, etc), but I definitely notice a difference in my nails when I add cuticle oil to the mix.

          In terms of upsell, there are lots of salons that cater to men nowadays. Look for one that offers a man manicure (or something similar), which almost never includes polish. Gender stereotypes aside, it’s exactly what you’re looking for and they’d probably be less inclined to upsell.

          Reply ↓
          1. WellRed*

            Also “not interested, Thanks.” Firmly and maybe a bit frostily works for me. And I’ve never returned to one place that tried to upsell me a package of facials without even looking at my skin.

            Reply ↓
    2. Hyaline*

      What’s worked for me is mostly giving more time and attention to my dry, abused cuticles and nails :D So–I use hand cream religiously and apply cuticle serum at least once a day, and this cuts down on the shredding and peeling that leads to cracks and bleeding for me. If you can keep hand cream and cuticle cream on your desk and apply those whenever you have a minute you should see some improvement! Do you have to wash your hands a ton? If so, apply after handwashing (and maybe add a light oil, like Neutrogena’s “rain bath” oil–locks in moisture well). Are you allowed clear polish? I find that this helps my weak nails hold up better, but if not, I’d just trim them short and regularly pass an emery board over them to remove snags. If you have “problem” nails don’t try growing them out or fancy shapes, IMO–just keep them neat and snag-free.

      I love the Olive and June products–they’re a little spendy but they really are good. If you get the basic manicure kit and follow the instructions it should give your cuticles the boost they need.

      Reply ↓
      1. AnonymousOctopus*

        Thank you for the product recommendations! I’ll check that Neutrogena product as well as Olive and June. I’m definitely not looking for fancy shapes, but trimmed and not uneven. Oddly enough having rough cuticles makes it less damaging when I pick at them, but your comment makes me wonder if having to deal with bleeding and peeling cuticles might have immediate body feedback to stop. I’ll give it a shot, thanks again!

        Reply ↓
    3. Ginger Baker*

      For cuticle picking (which I also struggle with) the one thing I found most effective is slathering my hands in various heavy-duty lotions at night topped with a pair of disposable gloves and keeping them on as long as I could (I often woke up in the middle of the night and took them off, but I’m a fairly light sleeper so ymmv). It takes MULTIPLE DAYS in a row of doing this but eventually it basically softens and fixes up everything which largely stops the trigger for me to pick at them (you will still need to do the glove thing but less often – maybe once a week for maintenance, maybe a little more often). I also have meant to look into fidget toys and similar because I know that boredom and anxiety are big factors for me and having something else to redirect that energy to is helpful – but didn’t end up doing that since the softer skin effectively kept it from hitting that part of my brain so often.

      Reply ↓
      1. AnonymousOctopus*

        Nice that you found something that works for you! I’ve got some sensory issues especially around sleeping, but maybe I can wear the gloves for 30+ minutes and then take them off right before actually going to bed. I’m sure I’d have to do it consistently for many more days than your routine, but I’ll give it a try! Thank you.

        I’ve been eyeing these skin/pimple picking stim fidget toys but haven’t pulled the trigger yet. It’s so awesome that fidgets have expanded into so many different types!

        Reply ↓
        1. different seudonym*

          You can get the kind that have a little patch of touchscreen fabric on the index and thumb, and then wear them when you’re vegging out, as opposed to sleeping. (I found them on Amazon.) I find that about 4 hours is the ideal length of time, but that any time helps.

          Reply ↓
    4. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

      I’d start by getting a manicure with no polish. The manicurist will likely ask if you want square or rounded, which is up to you. And after the manicure, maintain on your own. You should just need an emery file, a little pair of nail scissors/cuticle trimmers, and some lotion or cuticle oil.

      The good thing is, if you screw up shaping your nails, they’ll grow back within a week or two. Also, I’m not even sure how you would screw that up, other than simply filing them back too much? As for the picking, I’ve found it’s a lot less tempting if I just keep my cuticles trimmed back and moisturized. I cut anything that might become a hangnail, because frankly, picking those *hurts* anyway.

      If you are really at the very, very beginner end of doing anything with your nails, try just searching YouTube for basic manicure tutorials.

      Reply ↓
      1. Paint N Drip*

        I think even if you just get ONE manicure and pay attention to their process, you’ll have a great base of knowledge for your own care going forward. If you’re unsure about nail shapes, I’d encourage you to google it and just see what shape appeals to you (most images you’ll see will be on long nails, so maybe even add “short” to your search)
        You’re getting some good responses here, but just keeping up a basic routine can be a game changer. My mom always gave herself a basic manicure every weekend – I’m not as on top of things as she was, so I recommend a cuticle remover gel (breaks down the dead skin from around the nails) and a clip/file plus regular moisturizing for baseline hand aesthetics :)

        Reply ↓
      2. AnonymousOctopus*

        By messing it up, I’ll be going for a certain shape and length across all the nails, then I accidentally clip/file at the wrong angle on one and then I have to make it way shorter than the others. So for a unified look I have to go back and undo the shaping on the other nails and wind up clipping them all straight and shorter than I meant to. I don’t have an intuitive understanding of “if you want [shape], then you can’t cut further than X angle”. I’ve browsed many tutorials but they are always demoing on longer nails than I have so I can’t really apply their method easily. But I know it’s a practice makes perfect sort of thing so I’ll keep trying!

        Reply ↓
        1. Nailing it*

          Can you use a smoother nail file so you can’t make any drastic moves?! The box shaped ones with different roughness of emery paper on all sides and a foam core are way gentler than the flat files, especially cheap flat ones. That might slow you down enough to not overdo it, also they are bulky enough that you can’t dig in too far on the sides. Could you draw the shape on your nail first with pen or maybe eyeliner? Maybe file the middle part to the length you want and then gently curve the sides. For nail strength you actually want the sides not to be too angled, just slightly rounded off with the gentlest file. If I get one nail the shape that pleases me, I will ignore any that broke or are just too short! And the right shape, I’ve learned, is actually pretty flat/ square. The snagging and cuticle picking might decrease if your nails are more able to protect the finger ends …
          Seconding Raging ADHD on vitamin e oil … it really sits on top and promotes healing for me …

          Reply ↓
    5. RagingADHD*

      A brush-on bottle of Vitamin E oil (found with the nail polish in the store) is inexpensive and very helpful for keeping your cuticles soft. Use it morning and evening and massage it in.

      Reply ↓
        1. Hatchet*

          +1 for the Vitamin E oil. I’ve also had good luck with Vitamin E cream. I find better prices on these if I look in the ethnic beauty section rather than the nail polish section, but YMMV.

          Reply ↓
    6. Jenny*

      This describes me. Lotions and cuticle oils don’t help much. Cuticle remover cream seems to help quite a bit. I think it exfoliates which means that there is less to pick at.

      Reply ↓
    7. mreasy*

      I find that gel manicures make the nail thick enough that it’s harder to pick. If you could get clear gels, that could help. I am also a mostly reformed picker, and I keep a nail clipper in my bag at all times to nip off hangnails/rough spots so that I can’t absentmindedly pick them. Don’t give up on beating the habit! I’m like 90% reformed now but that didn’t happen until my 40s.

      Reply ↓
      1. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

        Oh god, gel manicures make me start picking at the polish after about 2 weeks! Which results in me completely ruining my nails for the whole time it takes for them to grow back from where the gel polish started.
        I know you’re supposed to like, soak your nails in acetone to get the gel off, but I did that once for like an HOUR and the gel was still there and I had to pick it off. The only way I can do gel nails is to get them Frenched, and just let my nails grow out to the point I can clip the French off. Then I can mostly deal with the remaining clear gel as it grows out.

        Reply ↓
    8. David's Skirt-pants*

      Aquaphor applied at night before bed is how I keep my cuticles from being so dry. (I also use it on my lips.)

      I keep my nails super-short after decades of acrylics. I don’t shape them into any particular shape, I just follow the end of my finger.

      Reply ↓
    9. Csethiro Ceredin*

      This depends on your job, but I started a habit in which every time someone comes into my office to talk to me, or I have a video meeting, I apply hand cream/cuticle cream as I talk to them.

      It’s actually vastly improved the dry skin around my nails, which is what makes me want to pick at it until it’s smooth (which as you know never happens).

      Reply ↓
    10. Dogwoodblossom*

      I know it’s a bit late in the day to reply but I had/have exactly this problem. There is a youtuber called Simply Nailogical (she’s not actually posting anymore but all her videos are still up). Her stuff is mostly very goofy but she has some really good nail care tip videos that are like ‘baby’s first manicure’ instructions. I found her after every attempt to find “how to do a manicure” videos yielded results for professional nail techs doing other people’s nails.

      She’ll tell you how to file your nails, including what kind of emory board to use and why. She’s great.

      Reply ↓
  38. Ann*

    I am having a had time at work. I am trying to solve things, but meanwhile I have to try to be less affected. What are your tips for staying friendly on the surface, but deep down disconnecting more? many thanks

    Reply ↓
    1. Dasein9 (he/him)*

      There is a 2008 article by Miss Manners on “Turning Down the Social Temperature” you may find helpful. I’ll put a link in a reply, in case you have difficulty finding it.

      Reply ↓
        1. Survivor*

          Wow, this was such a helpful column. My ex has been repeatedly suing me in civil court (can’t do family court anymore because children are over 18), and my ex in-laws seem to enjoy saying nasty things about me on facebook. So I’ve been dreading the possibility of having to pretend to be nice to people who are awful to me. I’m very glad that Ms. Manners approves of (subtly) freezing them out in this situation.

          Reply ↓
    2. Tinamedte*

      Sorry you’re going through this. Can you put on a work persona that has a thick protective armor against whatever is bothering you? You may want to read last weekend’s open threads, there was a discussion about this. Good luck!

      Reply ↓
  39. Jobhunting*

    I’m ready to look for a job. The real reason I’m looking is because as time goes on and my current place expands there is less and less structure. We used to have annual goals that were challenging but reachable; annual performance reviews and regular meetings about the status of our business.

    A few people in leadership were let go and it’s all gone. No goals, no reviews, no status meetings. I do well with a lot of structure.

    I cannot come up with a way to make it positive. How would you advise I answer the inevitable “Why are you looking to leave your current position?”

    Reply ↓
    1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      Maybe “The management culture has changed and doesn’t suit my working style as well as it did before”? That’s fairly neutral.

      Reply ↓
        1. Paint N Drip*

          Agreed this covers it! I assume the jobs you’re applying to ARE structured? If you discover in the interview they are less structured than you thought (but more than your current job) will you still want the new job to get away from the current job? You probably know this, but be sure that the ‘reason’ aligns with the new job – if this new job is still fairly unstructured, this isn’t going to be AS strong of a sell. Maybe have another ‘reason’ in your back pocket just in case (although if you’re ABSOLUTELY NOT going to take another unstructured job, ignore!)

          Reply ↓
        2. cmdrspacebabe*

          If you go into a little more detail later on, it could also be a good opportunity to check what kind of performance management system you’d be signing on for at a new place (maybe as part of the post-interview questions?). I feel like someone valuing a good PM system might look like a green flag to potential employers. Maybe you could ask something like, “What do you do for performance management and program evaluation? We used to have a very robust system, but it was phased out during expansion and I’ve found I miss having that channel for feedback and goal-setting.”

          Reply ↓
    2. Who knows*

      When interviewers ask “why are you leaving?” what they are really trying to get at is “why do you want to work for us instead?” You’ve already answered this question: “I do well with a lot of structure.” Then follow-up with and provide an example of how you see more structure at the new company. If you don’t have examples, that point in the interview would be a great time to find out.

      Reply ↓
    3. Thin Mints didn't make me thin*

      The standard way to answer this question is to say “I’m looking for new challenges, particularly in the area of (whatever the new job is about).” Then pivot the conversation to the employer’s needs and (yes) structure.

      Reply ↓
  40. Another professor*

    Academic/faculty interviews are weird…I’m about to spend 8+ hours (in one day) interviewing for a new role. Interviews will be with people who would report to me, my boss, my skip-level boss, and other stakeholders. It’s an intense process!

    If you have interviewed potential department directors/chairs, what are some questions you’ve asked? What are you looking to learn or find out? What would you consider an inexcusable error or statement?

    Reply ↓
    1. Pam Adams*

      Just went through Associate Dean interviews on my campus. We had a lot of “here are our issues- how do you deal with them on your current campus?” Good luck!

      Reply ↓
    2. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

      I want to know how they’re going to treat me if they’re going to be my boss. I want to know that they’re not going to come in and change a bunch of stuff “just because” and that they’ll get at least the lay of the land before making big changes. I want to know that they have respect for fellow faculty *and* staff, and that they have our students’ best interests at the heart of what they’re doing–not doing stuff just because it makes them look good or builds their own resume. I want to know what they’ve done already where they are, how they collaborated with others, how well they understand navigating budgets and competing interests. I want to know that they will fight for my department’s interests.
      Inexcusable errors would be anything that tells me they think people are easily replaced, or that they are the only person who knows how to do anything, or that only people with post graduate degrees/ph.ds are intelligent/that experience means nothing.

      Reply ↓
    3. I Need More Coffee*

      I like to ask questions that will indicate if they are likely to have my back with both administrators and students.

      If my policies are generally reasonable and clearly available to students, will you back me up?

      Will you push back on unreasonable ideas from the administration? No, I do not want to hold office hours on discord

      Reply ↓
    4. lost academic*

      Faculty are REALLY watching how you treat those who will be considered under you, and students. Plus how you treat people like service staff at a meal. That essentially torpedoed a candidate for a t-t job at my old department.

      Reply ↓
      1. I Need More Coffee*

        yes, you better respect our lab techs and administrative assistants – they keep us from collapsing!

        Reply ↓
    5. bananners*

      PLEASE have a good answer for “why do you want this job.” We have gone through two rounds of dept chair searches and the first (failed) search, the candidate answered that question with, “Well, I’ve had some people tell me that the next step in my career is department chair. So I applied.” They…did not get the job.

      If you’re giving a seminar/public presentation, PRACTICE IT with other people. Do your due diligence – if you’re going to have something about the department/university you are interviewing with, be sure it’s correct or current (logos, missions, etc.). We had another candidate tell us they googled but had a hard time finding our mission so they hoped this was it! ha, ha. And disparaged the interview process since they had the seminar first and that meant they couldn’t really give a specific seminar since they didn’t know much about us. This candidate had tons of professional contacts in the department and could have easily gotten the information necessary beforehand.

      Reply ↓
      1. Samwise*

        Yes, at any level, I am very unimpressed with people who have not done their homework, and the higher up the position, the better your grasp of the homework ought to be.

        Reply ↓
    6. deesse877*

      I would recommend that you try to suss out where the department sees itself in the institution–are they basically comfortable with the broader institutional culture, or do they see themselves as opposed to it (or badly-done-by in some way)? Either way, the job is still to defend and promote the department, but you need to know whether they’re looking for an operator or a standard-bearer.

      Reply ↓
    7. Cynthia*

      For inexcusable, a real life example that springs to mind was a potential dean who was trying to get away from a university that was going through a difficult downsizing. We all knew it was a bad situation, but the problem was that the candidate blamed others for what was going on. Not that she was necessarily at fault for the collapse of her department, but IMO the way to handle that is something like “yeah, it was a really rough process. I did XYZ to advocate and minimize impact…” instead of “yeah, well, the administration fired all my staff and the union won’t let me hire anyone else.” Sure, the second might be technically true, but when you’re a leader you’re meant to take a certain amount of responsibility no matter how bad the situation is

      Reply ↓
    8. Academic Physics*

      I’d want clarity on how they will hold the line against professors or others behaving badly. The most courageous things I saw a department head do was quickly work to remove a professor who went up to the line of professionalism and threw himself off it.

      Reply ↓
  41. CzechMate*

    Any advice for how to go into my performance review?

    My current boss is both a bad employee and a bad manager. As in, doesn’t get his work done with any urgency. As in, hates when other people inconvenience him, but doesn’t mind if he inconveniences others. As in, doesn’t know anything about what I do. As in, I do a lot of his work for him. I’ve talked to the head of my department and she has agreed he is problematic. She has agreed to have me be managed by someone else, but in the meantime, he needs to do my performance review. She is telling him today that he is not going to be my manager going forward (during her performance review with him, which she has said is going to address a lot of his problematic behaviors) and then he is supposed to give me my performance review on Monday.

    I told the department head that I don’t think my manager likes me, mostly because I find myself needing to push back on a lot of what he says. I gave some examples and department head said I was right to push back and my reasoning was sound. She said that she will ensure that my performance review doesn’t go to HR with anything negative from him on it.

    In spite of all of that…I’m very nervous for what I’m sure is going to be a weird, awkward meeting. Does anyone have any advice for me going into this?

    Reply ↓
    1. Sloanicota*

      Ugh shoot, I really wish she’d let him give you the performance review *before* telling him her plans! I feel that would have gone better for you. You say he’s not good, but is he vengeful? Just a slacker hands-off boss who sucks may be happy to let you “drive” a performance review – put your best foot forward, give yourself the highest scores with the best evidence you can, and put the labor on him to say otherwise, and a slacker may not bother. But if he’s mad, I would reallly try to play innocent here. You’re so close to freedom, it stinks that the HR person is leaving this with him!

      Reply ↓
      1. CzechMate*

        Well, that’s the thing, *my* PR was supposed to be before *his* PR…but then he called in sick. (Even though we’re doing an office step challenge and several people have said he got like 14,000 steps when he was “home with the flu.”) I’ve honestly wondered if he’s looking for reasons to just avoid it, so yes, I’m hoping I can drive and make it painless!

        Reply ↓
        1. Paint N Drip*

          I hope you can use this mental framing to bolster you – he can’t even step up and do your review?? He fakes sick to avoid looking in your face and confronting the fact that you do a good job despite his interference?? Maybe you’ll have empathy for him, maybe contempt (no judgment, whatever feels right) but I hope you can ride the “he’s in my rearview mirror” energy for your final engagement

          Reply ↓
          1. Marz*

            Also, and you probably don’t have control over this but it may help not worrying about it … he may feel so defeated/sad/hard-done-by in his review that he’ll give up entirely and ditch your review any way possible.

            Reply ↓
    2. Flower*

      Ask your boss, or someone else higher up than you, or someone in HR (if you have one) to sit in on the review. That way you have a witness, and it may also tone down the vitriol coming your way, if any. My office used to do this with problematic meetings/people and it really helped.

      Reply ↓
  42. Lady Danbury*

    Advice on navigating returning to work after surgery? I’m having surgery next month (laparoscopic myomectomy, if anyone has specific advice) and intend to be completely out sick for 2 weeks, then another 2 weeks on restrictions (work from home, rest if needed, etc.). My job is an in office desk job that could definitely be done remotely if needed. I’m a team of one, so the longer I’m out the more work there is waiting for my return unless some of it is outsourced. I plan to focus more on triage during the restricted weekends to ease back into work, rather than hit the ground running. Any advice on how to manage this transition is welcome!

    Reply ↓
    1. cactus lady*

      My philosophy is “there’s no such thing as a minor surgery” because EVERY surgery is harder on you than you think it will be. Build in some time to rest when you first return if you can (I needed an hour nap in the afternoons after my last surgery!) and take it easy as best you can. If you’re comfortable communicating to your contacts that you are out for surgery, I found that helped a lot. People are generally very forgiving with deadlines and deliverables (unless they’re actually urgent) if they know you were out for surgery, or just a medical issue.

      Reply ↓
      1. Lady Danbury*

        Thank you! My job is aware that I’m out for surgery and are very accommodating. I could have taken the full 4 weeks as sick leave, but would rather build in time to ease back in as you suggested. I’ll take more time if needed, but there’s a very wide range on how much time might be necessary (based on other people’s experiences).

        Reply ↓
    2. HonorBox*

      Don’t do too much too quickly. While a different surgery than yours, after mine, there were times I felt like a million bucks and got after life like I had been used to. It took me longer to feel fully back to normal because when I’d have the energy and gumption and go back to 100%, I’d be too tired and sore to do anything for a couple of days. So pace yourself. You’re likely going to feel like you have need/desire/energy to do more some days, but don’t push. People are going to be understanding that things are going to take a little more time because you’ve had surgery.

      Reply ↓
    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I would want to do the same thing you want to do, to be honest, but a co-worker of mine is about to be out for two weeks for surgery and I intend to yell at her (not really, more like affectionate chastising) if she checks in during that time. The key is, do what you feel is necessary, but make sure you’re not doing it while you’re on official leave. Also, I assume you’ve had time to plan this with your manager and they have a plan for while you’re out. Trust that plan. If things go awry, that is not your problem.

      I had a myomectomy a few years ago but mine was transvaginal so no prolonged recovery– plus I was laid off at the time. I did an interview the day after and that was kind of stupid in hindsight but luckily I had plenty of time to recover. Advice: listen to your doctor, stay ahead of pain/discomfort (as in, take your meds on schedule and don’t wait to be in pain), take slow walks when you’re allowed to.

      Reply ↓
      1. Lady Danbury*

        Thank you! I’m definitely going to stick to my two weeks of full on sick time! The additional 2 weeks of restricted time will be to ease back into it. I’m glad your myomectomy recovery went well, interview aside!

        Reply ↓
    4. LuckyPurpleSocks*

      During your recovery, maybe have an automatic reply set up on email and/or update your VM message to say something along the lines of “Thank you for your message. Due to circumstances beyond our control, our response time may be slightly delayed between [leave start date – leave end date]. If this is an emergency, please contact [backup option/supervisor?]. Thank you for your patience.”

      Reply ↓
    5. Lyudie*

      This isn’t exactly what you asked, but think about comfortable things you can wear to the office if you are still tender/sore/etc. I had a different surgery, laparoscopic adrenalectomy, and even after my two weeks of short term disability I was not ready for actual pants or jeans. I was still a little bloated from the gas and waistbands would rub on the incision. Luckily I thought of this in advance (I rarely think of things in advance) and bought a couple of skirts with the wide jersey waistbands instead of elastic, and I wore those and dresses for the first week back in the office.

      Seconding all the advice to be gentle with yourself and rest when you need it. I didn’t feel like I was back to 100% until almost three weeks after.

      Good luck!!

      Reply ↓
    6. DJ*

      I think the WFH after time off from surgery is the way to go. You can rest when needed and don’t have the added stress of a commute. Can you also start back part time supplementing it with sick leave. And when you do go back in the office do a hybrid arrangement for the first week or 2.

      Reply ↓
    7. GoForIt*

      I had a bilateral salpingectomy (fallopian tubes removed) last year and was told I could likely return to work the following Monday (surgery was Wednesday). That was not the case! I needed more time than that, so it’s great you’re taking a full two weeks off. I was very tired for at least a week, and not back to 100% the second week. Zoom meetings were especially hard for me – I just felt out of it, even after being done with pain meds, so my boss and I readjusted things. My main post-surgery effects were tiredness and low energy for a few weeks (not much in the way of physical pain, luckily). After realizing I wasn’t fully recovered, I took it super easy, dialed back on work stuff, and reminded myself I was still healing and that surgery can take a lot out of you (literally and figuratively, ha!).

      I also second what someone else said about clothing – I wore loose sweatpants or long dresses for a while, due to the bloating and incisions. I suppose my additional advice would be to ease back into things (like you’re already planning), and don’t feel bad if you’re just not feeling up to some things once you ease back in, like meetings or very focused, detailed work :)

      Best of luck with surgery and recovery!

      Reply ↓
  43. Reese*

    I want to apply to internal jobs, but the salary ranges aren’t listed and the recruiter told me they can’t share salary ranges. My coworker had an ancedotal story about a manager she knew applying for a non-management position in a different department. They were asked by the hiring manager during an interview if they were okay with taking a big pay cut. So it seems as though you can find out if the job would be a pay cut, but only after telling your manager you’re applying, actually applying, doing an HR screening, and getting to the first interview. Which is a lot to go through just to see if the salary would be a pay cut or not.

    I’ve seen some jobs I was interested in, but they only required an associates degree. My current job required a bachelors. So is the best thing I can do is only apply to jobs that require a bachelors? Or does anyone else have any suggestions?

    Reply ↓
    2. bananners*

      Are you able to find people in the company who have the same title as you, and ask them if they are willing to share their salary pay band (if they know it)?

      Reply ↓
  44. Coconut Water*

    I have plumes of smoke still coming out of my ears over an incident this week, and am very relieved I have the weekend to calm down so that I can plaster a professional expression on my face at a crucial meeting; if it was scheduled for today I suspect some sass would come spilling out.

    For 6+ years I have occasionally had to work with a colleague in another area of the company who rapidly acquired BEC status with me. She and I share a client, but have very different workstreams and specialisms. From the outset I found her rude and condescending towards me, but as I had a boss who very much didn’t have my back and was a relative minnow in a big ocean, I just sucked it up. Over time I dealt with her now and then, sometimes she was actually to work with, and while I never warmed to her, we didn’t have to be friends, and I could collaborate with her on the rare cases it was needed with no fuss.

    Then an issue sprung up around this client; it’s to do with a finance issue, let’s say accumulated teapot costs. I had always heard that my team was not responsible for billing these costs, but both she and her boss would tell me that we were. I asked them for relevant documentation to try and sort this out, but was always fobbed off or ignored. Then every six months or so, the teapot costs would come in, and I’d be told I needed to sort it – rinse and repeat. Last week the teapot costs were being audited by finance, and they were referred by my BEC to ask me – there was a long email chain in which I was @’d into, and I scrambled for all the documentation I could get on teapot costs. I asked *everyone* for assistant once I ran out of resources. I took calls with finance. I wept to my boss that I was so embarassed I couldn’t sort this problem out (this boss is very nice and does have my back). I tried to set up meetings to get an answer but was blown off by BEC.

    So I pulled an email together of all the actions taken, the answers I’d gotten, and what the current teapot costs situation was, and sent it to my BEC and her boss. He replied quickly with an offer for a meeting and restated that the teapot costs were probably my responsibilty but he understood how this could’ve happened. I prepare for the worst, which is that we have to refund some teapot costs, taking a financial hit.

    Then BEC sends over some emails. From 2022. That she sent. I am not CC’d in them. They cover the entire teapot costing. All organised on her team’s side. Literally saying that my team is not responsible for them.

    The emails solved the audit issue, clarified the entire costings agreement, and will help my teapot costings going forward. I should be happy. Instead I am STEAMING. I have gone back and forth with her so much, trying to get this info, and it was in her inbox the whole time? And they made it out that I was the problem? I know mistakes do happen and I am far from perfect myself but privately I hope she steps on Lego in bare feet.

    Reply ↓
    1. Nailing it*

      Absolutely! But also please take it as a win that you were right and you can just keep returning teapot costing to her forever.

      Reply ↓
  45. Rogue Slime Mold*

    Rage: This morning I could use “-(expletive)ai” (sequel to “-ai”) to remove the ai results from search. I am double-checking some established science before suggesting alterations to a text, and I super deeply do not care what the ai guesses.

    If you have to cram the ai down my throat even as I try to work around it, probably it is not valuable to me.

    Seriously, does anyone understand why they keep trying to force it as people try to opt out? Is it a ploy to cause me to not notice Parker in an air vent? It’s like a sandwich shop realized people keep trying to order sandwiches without anchovies, and they are determined to get those anchovies in there.

    Reply ↓
    1. YNWA*

      Generative AI has not turned a single profit since its launch 2 years ago and every major tech company has sunk millions to billions on its development. Not only is there no profit, there is no one single consumer app or product that is GenAI, it’s always embedded in something else. They think by forcing you to use it they will miraculously stop hemorrhaging money on what currently appears to be a tech blip. It’s a shell game right now and the bubble will burst. What sucks is that when it does, the markets are going to reel because so much right now is wrapped up in AI and the components needed to make it.

      Reply ↓
      1. Reba*

        I think for some, it’s the hype machine/bubble, while for others they genuinely see it as worth investment because there is the possibility of using it to undermine workers with real wage power.

        Reply ↓
      2. Rogue Slime Mold*

        My children use analytic AI (to analyze large data sets) and generative AI (to write basic scripts). Both as interim steps, where understanding what it’s doing is critical.

        So I’m not arguing that it has no applications. But it has no applications for me. If I look up information, I don’t care what an entity that didn’t understand the question or answer guesses might seem plausible. (Whether that entity is digital or human.) If I open a document in Adobe, I don’t want a summary. Of any form, but especially not written by something that didn’t understand the information.

        The only explanation I can think of for the aggressive throat cramming is that they are increasingly desperate to convince me that this is so awesome I would pay a subscription for it. It’s like when a character suddenly jumps in the adversary’s way and starts aggressively asking their opinion on the weather, which is happening because Parker needs time to get back into the air vent.

        Reply ↓
      3. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

        I think AI also has a brick will coming; it’s convincing to imitate people (by regurgitating content), but the moment you ask it for “new,” it tends to start creating lies whole cloth. Search may be under pressure, but other than that…

        Reply ↓
    3. A Significant Tree*

      Everyone seems to be looking for the one use case that will be profitable. In the meantime, there will be a lot of really poor implementations from companies that do not understand the actual pros/cons and are riding the hype. Basically, throwing the whole pot of spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks, with equivalently useful outcomes.

      Reply ↓
    4. ALibrarian*

      DuckDuckGo lets you turn off AI Assist! And I am far more satisfied with the quality of search results than I have been in the last few years with Google. So if you need a non-AI web search engine, I recommend DuckDuckGo.

      Reply ↓
    5. Don't You Call Me Lady*

      Yours may not be one of them, but I’ve found some pretty good uses for AI in my role

      Reply ↓
      1. Rogue Slime Mold*

        I would readily believe that it is useful for some people. But not all jobs, all people, all the time. (Seriously, it appears that Adobe cannot fathom any reason you would open Adobe other than wanting a summary of something.)

        If you truly believe a new feature of your tech is useful, you make it easy to enable or disable. You don’t keep trying to find ways to make it leap out and insist that the AI assistant could handle (task it wildly guesses at because you have opened the program), even when the person has tried to turn it off. (I was one of the zillion people to complain that Microsoft’s initial instructions to turn off their AI in Word did not actually work, and they have made it stoppable, unlike Adobe and Google.)

        It’s like updating my car’s software so that it aggressively and continuously suggests we drive to the nearest In-n-Out, which I do not want to do. But surely I turned that prompt off in error, next time she starts the car we’ll make sure to put the prompt back.

        Reply ↓
  46. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

    Tips and tricks for organizing a shared in-box?

    We’re migrating to a shared email in-box (which makes a ton of sense and I approve). Just me (customer service ) and the sales person who covers the same region, plus occasional vacation cover.

    Goal is to have it clear who is handling what and not have any emails fall through the cracks, especially things that I need to follow up in a few days if the client doesn’t get back to me.

    Reply ↓
    1. Charlotte Lucas*

      Have a meeting. Determine what folders you need, then set up a list of rules. What can be filed immediately, what needs to be forwarded and where, who handles what, etc. And commit to revisiting this regularly or as-needed.

      It might take a bit, but a good framework is vital. (I’ve been in on the setup of a shared inbox where we also made related updates to our shared drive. The meetings took a few days and completing all the setup took a little over a month – there were a lot of records. But that initial discussion made a huge difference. And it was so much more efficient once it was all done.)

      Reply ↓
    2. DisneyChannelThis*

      Subfolder per person. Additional folders for any non person assigned too. Filter rule so emails with same subject also move to that folder. Then you can drag emails over to your folder if your handling it. Then you can use inbox as a classical inbox, ie a place where stuff waiting to be handled is.

      Alternatively you can do the same without subfolders just assign a flag color per person but then you lose the flag functioning the way it did when you had separate inboxes.

      Also switch the mark as read rule to be much slower, or manual (so that opening it doesn’t mark it read and you can leave it unread if it needs the other person or just if you havent responded to it).

      Reply ↓
    3. SnowRose*

      This is going to depend on your email provider, but here’s what we do with Outlook. For context, it’s a shared inbox between myself, two managers, and three coordinators. Coordinators are responsible for the majority of the emails, managers for higher-level stuff, and mine is mostly awareness (the team reports up to me).

      1. If you can, identify what type of emails may cleanly into your area of responsibility and into your sales person’s area.

      2. We use color coded categories to assign responsibility. So each person with access is assigned a color and it makes it easy to identify who is handling what and to sort by category. It also lets us see when an email hasn’t been assigned to someone.

      As an aside, it’s also helpful for me when seeing if a particular email chain has been elevated and at what point. So if it was a coordinator handling it and suddenly switches to a manager, I can see where and how long.

      3. Create folders if you can—I know not all systems do this. The folder structure will need to make sense for your work, but ours is organized first by service type, then into sub folders. We don’t organize by staff person but by type (e.g., maybe it’s by client or whatever makes sense for you). Once it’s been handled, it gets filed.

      4. Regular check-ins with each other at a cadence that makes sense for your work. Coordinators do a quick 5-minute check-in once a day. Managers are also responsible for checking at least once in the morning and once in the afternoon to make sure things aren’t getting missed.

      Reply ↓
      1. Glazed Donut*

        This is what I’ve used when I had multiple shared inboxes, each with 6-8 people replying. If there’s a way to designate who replies to what type of email (ie Sally handles sales questions, Mary does marketing), then it may be helpful to establish that anyone can tag the email with the category for the responsible party. Tagging emails when they come in helps with delegating and knowing what is on any particular person’s to do list.

        Reply ↓
    4. Kelly Kapoor*

      I think I’m mostly going to echo the advice given to you already, but communicate.

      In Outlook we use shared color labels. Each person has one. We also have a color label for “awaiting response” so we can flag that “this is mine but I am waiting for a response to take further action.” I work in a shared box with one other person and we will flag things for each other, or some things are just “who has time for this today” and those we don’t flag. Once something has been acted on, if it is helpful to keep the email in the inbox as a reminder for us to follow up, we keep the “waiting for a response” flag on. If it no longer requires action on our part, archive.

      Have a solid filing system with subfolders for once an email is “finished.” I’m in higher ed, so we have a folder for each type of form/question, and one “General Archive” folder for things that are good to save for a record, but don’t always fit neatly into an established folder. Don’t be afraid to delete the “thanks” email you get to close the loop.

      Once a week, I “clean up” the inbox. Things that we didn’t archive earlier but are done. Some of those general “FYI” emails that sit in the box for a day or two so I can make sure we’ve both seen them, but no longer need to sit there (those go in a specific folder for reference.)

      Reply ↓
  47. Massaged numbers*

    I manage someone who on the whole is a good employee, but can occasionally do some kind of unprofessional things.

    Recently, I have noticed her laughing in meetings at her messages while others are talking about serious and sensitive topics. She tries to stifle and cover the laughing, but unsuccessfully. It has happened for several minutes during two senior calls that got mildly tense due to some ongoing disagreements/miscommunications.

    The first time, it bothered me as I found it distracting and disrespectful but let it go by as a once off thing. The second time, I asked for a chat and said I’ve noticed her laughing in meetings and wanted to check if everything is ok. That I know it can get a little tense in those calls, but they’re serious topics.

    Did I handle this ok? How would others handle it?

    I spoke to a friend who said they don’t think it was worth raising since, although it’s not professional, it’s not worth the risk of her being icey now. I feel it’s my responsibility as her manager to raise it, and wouldn’t have felt good about myself if I let it drop. Also I find it really rude! Not being distracted per se- more laughing at something else during serious conversation.

    Curious for a broader take on it

    Reply ↓
    1. WorkerDrone*

      I probably would have been a little more clear, to be honest. I’d have said I noticed her laughing in meetings, and if she’s going to be checking her messages, she needs to do so in a way that is neither distracting/disruptive and it needs to be kept to an absolute minimum.

      Reply ↓
    2. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      Your friend’s reaction is really weird. The important thing is not a potentially negative emotional response by this employee. The important thing is your employee disrupting important business stuff. And even bigger picture, your employee not being able to read the room. And biggest picture, not understanding that work time is work time, and she shouldn’t be looking at personal messages AT ALL during meetings.

      Your question after the second time was good – sometimes people react to awkward and tense situations with laughter. But I would have called out the personal messages thing at the same time.

      Reply ↓
    3. Cookie Monster*

      Well, you only kind of raised it. You asked her if she was okay, but did you explicitly tell her to cut it out? Sure, a more reasonable person would’ve read between the lines, but she clearly lacks professional maturity. You’re going to have to spell it out for her. And as your manager, this is part of your responsibility (addressing the soft skills as well as the hard skills). And if she becomes “icey” to you, well, then, you’ll have to address that, too, because that’s unacceptable.

      As Alison says, just give her clear feedback and goals. That’s actually the kindest thing, even if she doesn’t want to hear it.

      Reply ↓
    4. Rusty Shackelford*

      You don’t stop managing someone just because it might make them icy. And yes, this needs to be managed.

      Reply ↓
      1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

        Right. Your job is to manage this person. Your job is NOT to manage this person’s emotional state.

        Reply ↓
      2. WestsideStory*

        If you are managing them, tell them that checking messages during a meeting — and laughing at something that distracts them – is unprofessional and makes them look like they are not promotable material. And you need to tell them this again because you want them to succeed and be respected by others. So maybe try that?

        Reply ↓
    5. HonorBox*

      I don’t think your friend is right at all. Laughing during meetings because you’re looking at messages is just unprofessional.

      The change I’d make to what you said to this employee is this: “I’ve noticed you laughing in meetings, and that you’ve been distracted by messages. These meetings need to be your focus, and I need you to be professional on them.”

      Reply ↓
      1. Pocket Mouse*

        I’d change the first sentence to “I’ve noticed you’ve been distracted by your messages in meetings, to the point that you’re laughing during serious discussions.”

        Reply ↓
    6. Cordelia*

      Your friend is wrong. You have to manage her, and if she is “icey” about it, then that is also unacceptable work behaviour and you have to manage that too.
      You did the right thing bringing it up with her, but I’m not sure why you asked if she’s ok – she can just say “I’m fine” without actually registering that you need her to change her behaviour. If it happens again be more explicit – “I need you to stop looking at your phone and laughing during these meetings, it is unprofessional and disruptive”.

      Reply ↓
    7. HR Exec Popping In*

      You handled it fine. You should have addressed it and you did. It is easier to avoid providing feedback but that doesn’t help your employee. I always find it helpful to explain what specific behavior they did (or didn’t do), the impact/result, why it matters and what the expectation is going forward.

      In your example, this would be: During our meeting I observed you checking messages and laughing to yourself instead of paying attention. This can be perceived as if you don’t value the topic/presenter/other attendees are worth your attention which is disrespectful. In the future, I expect you to limit checking messages unless it is critically important.

      Reply ↓
    8. Someone Online*

      Sometimes those inappropriate laughs are people’s bodies trying to release the tension and that’s just the way it comes out. So I would look up some tips and tricks to professionally achieve the same goal, have her practice them during non-stressful times/meetings and then try to implement during the next tense conversation.

      Reply ↓
      1. WellRed*

        Nervous laughter was my thought. If that’s the case, it would be a kindness to have a conversation with her.

        Reply ↓
    9. Hyaline*

      When you say “laughing at messages” I assume you mean messages outside the context of the meetings? To me, that’s the issue–not the laughing (which is bad!) but that her attention during meetings when you’re discussing, as you say, sensitive and serious material is divided. I know you say you see the laughing, not the distraction, as the issue–but the distraction is deep enough to cause inappropriate reactions during a time she should be “on” with the rest of the meeting. If your first conversation nips it in the bud, great! But if not, I would re-address it with the expectation that she isn’t “reading messages” (phone? im? whatever!) during meetings, and perhaps even adding the expectation that if she finds she is too distracted by her phone or laptop that she not have it with her during meetings. Your friend is wrong–what your report is doing is unprofessional and it’s worth raising not only for this moment, now, but because she really shouldn’t carry that habit forward in her career one minute longer than she has already.

      Reply ↓
    10. Parakeet*

      I’m a little unclear – is she laughing at something else, or is she laughing in response to the tense conversation (e.g. nervous laughter, a misguided attempt to lower the temperature level of the conversation, incredulous impulsive laughter)?

      If it’s the former, I think it’s legit to say, you can’t show that kind of distraction during meetings. If it’s the latter…I was on the other end (the employee’s end) of something like this recently. Not about laughing, but about having misjudged what was considered an appropriate level of “opinionated” to express, about what, in front of what people, a couple of times. My manager had a direct conversation with me about it. To be honest, I think it was a little much and reflected how on edge people are in the current political climate – she also brought our HR person. Which I thought was weird but may just be because we never had an HR person who wasn’t primarily operations/benefits/etc until recently, so this HR person is a new resource.

      But I really appreciated that she was clear. Kind, but clear. Clear about what she objected to, clear what she wanted me to do differently. But also clear that she didn’t see this as some kind of cardinal sin, that she knows people are on edge right now (we’re mostly federally-funded), and that everyone sometimes needs critical feedback, including her. I was upset and a little confused (because I honestly thought I’d “read the room” correctly in the specific instances), but also glad that she didn’t let it fester or obscure what she was talking about. And it was an actual conversation, not a lecture.

      Reply ↓
  48. Staff Aug Blues*

    Today, my job is to tie my right shoe. But I must not stop walking forward. And I must give up the use of three fingers at any given time. (Which fingers? Oh, that’s determined by the number of Atlantic seagulls who ate french fries yesterday, of course.) And I must hurry, for when I am finished, the left shoe will have come undone.

    Reply ↓
      2. juliebulie*

        Really, any job where you’re asked to accomplish new things each day without dropping the ball on the existing ones, and without additional resources. While dealing with new, different, serious obstacles each day that you can’t necessarily anticipate. (I’ve had the feeling.)

        Reply ↓
  49. Allornone*

    Not a question, but a sigh of relief- I recently joined an organization that, from what I’ve seen, should be really amazing to work for and has been so far. The only issue is that I got hired during a time of massive restructuring. A few people have been laid off, and a few others have quit. And our staff is rather small right now, so they shakeups are significant. As a newbie, of course this raises concerns. Yesterday I was relieved when the CEO (who’s my direct superior) addressed it in my 60-day review, asked if I had any questions, and confirmed my job security. That alone eased my mind a great deal, but I just got an invite to an all-staff meeting where they will address it with everybody. And it really seems like a genuine “Okay, things right now are weird, but this what we plan to do and we hope you’re a part of it” effort (as opposed to phony fan service). My last organization was so hush hush about things like this and you learned quickly there were Things-you-did-not-ask-about. It’s refreshing to be a part of an org that values transparency.

    Reply ↓
    1. Cookie Monster*

      Congrats on the new job! I’m curious: did they mention anything about this during your interview process?

      Reply ↓
  50. Anonymoss*

    What sort of snacks do you guys like at work? I’m on a medication that makes me less hungry, and my doctor has advised more snacks in my day. What do you guys snack on at work?

    Reply ↓
    1. HonorBox*

      Pistachios. They are good for you and if you’re getting the ones in the shells, it takes awhile to eat them.

      Reply ↓
    3. Blue Pen*

      I’m a crunchy person, so I like things that make noise (lol) and will fill me up without weighing me down. Carrot sticks or pretzels and hummus is my go-to, but I also like pita chips, nuts (pistachios and almonds, usually), rice cakes, kale chips, popcorn, honeycrisp apples with white cheddar, etc.

      Reply ↓
    4. Lady Danbury*

      Nuts (lightly salted or flavored almonds are my fav), rolled up prosciutto and mozzarella (pre-packaged together, so just grab and snack), babybel cheese, jello pudding, prosciutto wrapped melon slices, fruit with plain greek yogurt, apples with natural peanut butter, chia pudding, whole wheat crackers with cheese or canned tuna, celery and pb, carrots with hummus, chips and guacamole. My nutritionist wants me to have 1-2 snacks per day that include protein, so I have an extensive menu of options! Some of them are easy to keep at my desk, while other require more prep and/or refrigeration.

      Reply ↓
      1. Lyudie*

        I’m also a big almond fan. I was absolutely obsessed with the Blue Diamond wasabi ones for literally a couple of years.

        Reply ↓
    5. Blue Pen*

      Energy bites are also a really great way fuel up. There’s a gazillion different ways to make them, but it’s usually a nut butter of some kind, rolled oats, honey, flax or chia seed, and any mix-ins you want. I like mine with chocolate chips and dried fruit (usually dates or dried cherries), but you can add pretty much anything in there.

      Reply ↓
    6. spcepickle*

      Dried broad beans – bada bean bada boom is one brand name.
      They are high in protein, come in a bunch of flavors, and are easy to just crunch all day.

      Reply ↓
    7. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

      I like those Welch’s fruit snacks. They’re a good size and get me some of my daily vitamins A, C, and E. I also like dark chocolate–usually ghiradelli squares. Sometimes string cheese is good, too. And mixed nuts (I make my own mix of pecans and almonds because I personally hate peanuts and those seem to be in most mixes). The main thing is I want stuff that isn’t sticky or leaves cheese dust on my hands (otherwise it’d be cheeto puffs all day long, LOL) because I don’t want to waste time wiping my fingers between bites of snacks.

      Reply ↓
    8. Century Kestrel*

      I enjoy making my own trail mix with nuts that I like – and chocolate chips (they’re what actually makes me eat the mix, so they’re vital).

      I also like dried banana chips with a little thing of peanut butter to spread on em.

      Reply ↓
    9. LuckyPurpleSocks*

      Lately my go-to work snack has been string cheese and those little easy-peel clementine oranges.

      Reply ↓
    10. Corky's Wife Bonnie*

      I’m in the same boat and I like those Kind mini bars. They aren’t overly filling and can satiate some minor hunger pangs.

      Reply ↓
    12. Bread Crimes*

      Trail mix with an interesting combo of sweet & salty, and different textures, was my go-to when I started meds that killed my appetite and needed to make sure I snacked regularly to compensate. The variety of tastes and textures kept it interesting to my mind in a way that made up for not feeling hungry. YMMV, of course, but since those were specifically ADHD meds in my case, “give the brain some novelty” helped a lot. For a while I mixed my own; some cheap mini pretzels, mini marshmallows, peanut-butter-filled pretzels, dried cranberries, and maybe one other thing. The contrast of crunch and soft and chewy complemented the flavor variations well, but nothing was jarring. (Add wasabi dried peas to taste…)

      Reply ↓
    13. Llellayena*

      *Looks around and takes inventory of what’s on the desk:
      Mini club crackers with Parmesan and garlic, Goldfish, Cheese-its, Pistachios (shelled and NOT salted)
      Things that have appeared on my desk previously:
      Jelly beans, gummy bears, trail mix, scones, ice cream (wfh day), cherries, grapes, cheese (with or without crackers), roasted veggies (usually carrots, also wfh), fruit smoothie

      Reply ↓
    14. Mx. Snuffleupagus*

      I usually choose shelf-stable snacks so I can keep them at my desk (I risk forgetting them in the fridge), and right now I have saltines, applesauce cups, fruit-and-nut bars, and olive snack cups (my new personal favorite). I also sometimes like tuna (or chicken) salad snack packs. If you have a fridge, guacamole or hummus with veggies could also be a good option!

      Reply ↓
    15. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      Do you have specific things you need to limit (e.g, sodium) or things you need included (e.g., protein)? Do you have access to a refrigerator or insulated lunch container?

      For protein, I like cheese cut into bite sizes with or without an apple or crackers.

      When I was on a low sodium diet, unsalted almond butter with cut up veggies was my go-to.

      Costco has a good price on bags of unsalted mixed nuts.

      One of my favorite snacks are from Trader Joe’s – bite-sized pretzels filled with almond or peanut butter.

      Reply ↓
    16. Anonymoss*

      Thank you guys so much! I’m gonna be trying some of these out, fingers crossed! @RetiredAcademicLibrarian My doctor wasn’t too specific, but she advised mostly to go for healthy snacks, but anything I could make myself eat during the work day so I didn’t end up binging at home, and I’ve got a fridge in my office.

      Reply ↓
  51. Anon because this might be too identifying*

    Thoughts on using your employer’s unsecured guest wifi to watch streaming services during your lunch break? I like to catch up on a show while I eat. I avoid anything I know will be raunchy, but sometimes there are surprises. I’ve got a closed office door and earbuds, so I’m not worried about passers-by hearing a random swear word or witnessing a violent death in an elevator (or worse, the near-sacrifice of an adorable goat). But should I be more concerned? Should I stick to G-rated viewing?

    Reply ↓
    2. Pocket Mouse*

      If you can download them to your device ahead of time, that might be preferable. IT might be able to see all traffic on the employer networks.

      Reply ↓
      1. David*

        If it’s a company network but not a company device – in other words, if you’re using your own personal phone (or computer or whatever) that your company has not had the opportunity to install anything on – then IT can see what domains you’re accessing but not the specific content. So, they’d know that you were streaming something from, say, Hulu, but not which show it is. (barring some extremely rare scenario involving sophisticated hackage)

        For what it’s worth, if you were in a situation where you didn’t even want them to know that it’s Hulu (or whatever) you’re streaming from, a VPN would help with that. But that’s probably not useful for most people in this sort of situation. I’d imagine that usually, either your company allows streaming in general, or they disallow it in general; either way they’re unlikely to care which site you’re streaming from.

        Reply ↓
        1. Anon because this might be too identifying*

          Yes, it’s my own personal device on the company network. And I’m not worried about the fact that I’m streaming, just that someone might decide the content is inappropriate.

          Reply ↓
  52. Orbital*

    I have an interview for my company’s “leadership development program” on Monday and I’m getting more nervous about it. They gave us a bank of almost 120 questions they could ask along with 1 question they will ask everyone. I’ve been working with my manager on my preparations and he told me to have a few relevant stories that could be answers for multiple questions. I’ve been reviewing them today but now I’m looking over the questions again and I’m worried I don’t have good answers for some. The program also told us to expect this to be the “most formal and awkward interview you’ll ever do.” So that’s cool. Anyone have experience with an interview like this?

    Reply ↓
      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        This! I did a leadership program, and they had us fill out an online form with maybe 5 essay questions to apply.

        Reply ↓
    2. Antilles*

      120 questions is crazy. I would try to group those questions for similarities and basically just come up with a bunch of versatile examples that can be adjusted for different questions.
      -If you ask about handling turnover, well, there was this time we lost our project lead two weeks before the deadline.
      -If you ask about managing client expectations, let me tell you about how I negotiated for more time.
      -If you ask about what excellence means to me, well, it means providing top-notch client service regardless of what’s happening internally.
      -If you ask about organizational skills, well, an example of that is when I had to hastily reorganize a project in crisis mode.
      Those are all the exact same story! It’s just that I modify the framing a bit to tie in to whichever topic the interviewer asks about.

      Reply ↓
      1. Jaydee*

        This also helps with the questions you don’t have great answers for. If you’ve grouped the questions into similar topics, you can kind of pivot from the questions you don’t have a great answer for into similar/related questions that you have a better answer for.

        Reply ↓
    3. Cookie Monster*

      The 120 questions part of this makes me wonder if this is even a program you should want to join. If you do get in, I’d be extra wary and question (at least in your mind, if not out loud) everything you hear.

      Reply ↓
  53. Blue Pen*

    I’m in a position right now where I enjoy my team, the office, and the work we do. I do not want to leave.

    However, I’m just not getting enough of the kind of work I *really* love doing, and I’m starting to get concerned that the skills I have in that arena are getting a little rusty. My job right now allows me to do some of that type of work, so I’m not completely in the woods, but it’s nowhere near enough for me, and I’m starting to feel like I’m getting pigeon-holed in my career in a way I don’t want to be.

    Despite how much I enjoy being part of my team and contributing to our mission, I find myself mostly bored. In normal times, this would be my sign to start looking and seeing what else is out there; but with the current climate now, I don’t think it’s wise (for me) to make any sudden or rash moves. I have a great relationship with my manager, so I don’t think it’d come out of left field for me to say that “I need more,” but I guess I’d love to hear from those who are feeling bored or unmotivated in their roles now and what kind of calculus they’re considering in a job market as precarious as this. Thanks!

    Reply ↓
    1. Century Kestrel*

      I feel that! I’ve experienced that before and actually not too long after some new projects landed on my lap that rekindled my interest for the position. I guess that’s the first thing I’d say to consider: is there a chance this is temporary?

      The second thing I’d say is that looking for a new position while having one that’s pretty good and secure is actually rather nice, because then you get to be picky and look for something that’s superior enough to your current job that it makes it worth leaving. You can really take your time because you’re still gainfully employed.

      Reply ↓
    2. Paint N Drip*

      I think this probably reflects on my skills/interests as compared to my job, but maybe helpful – do you have the bandwidth/interest to do any moonlighting? Side hustles aren’t just for extra cash – you could freshen up your skills, feel better about the work you’re doing FT when supplemented with the passion thing, and maybe connect with a company that would be a good fit long term.

      Reply ↓
    3. juliebulie*

      Yeah, I am bored at my job. I’m not spending most of my time doing anything that isn’t mind-numbingly dull. On the other hand, the job market doesn’t have to be a problem at the moment since there is no urgency yet – I am just keeping an eye on what kinds of jobs are available, just in case I need to hit the ground running if something bad happens at my current job, or if something really good turns up on Indeed.

      Reply ↓
    4. WestsideStory*

      Do you have the bandwidth to volunteer for an organization that could use your skills that are getting rusty? Or, if it would not be a conflict, start up a small side gig that uses those skills.
      If the issue is actual downtime at work, take some online tutorials or sign up for an industry daily newsletter or blog so you can stay up to speed on developments in your career area. Plus you can get job leads from some work-related blog sites along with information.

      Reply ↓
  54. Century Kestrel*

    There are a lot of posts on this site about how you shouldn’t comment a coworker’s appearance (and especially their weight) and I’m in full agreement. But what if it’s out of concern for their health?

    I’ve got a colleague who I’m semi-close to (we’ve been working together for several years now and often chat about our lives). He confided in me that when he was younger he struggled with orthorexia. Basically he fell under the influence of a “coach” who gave him terrible, definitely not peer-reviewed eating/workout advice that messed him up enough that he still has some chronic issues left over from that. He’s still very much a fitness/healthy eating type of guy but last time we talked about this he said he was glad he ate normally now, including the occasional treat.

    In the past year though I’ve seen him lose a significant amount of weight, and I’ve also noticed his skin looks duller and he’s kind of low-energy too. I’m obviously worried that he’s relapsing, and I’m wondering if I should say something, but I’m really not sure.

    For starters, what if it’s not due to that at all? He’s told me he wants to go freelance one day so he started taking contracts on the side on top of working full time for our company, which I have to assume is tiring. He could also be having an unrelated health issue that’s well under control. We don’t eat lunch together and don’t hang out outside of work so I also have no way of checking if his eating habits have in fact changed. I did notice recently he stopped having his midday fruit (I’m not overly monitoring him I swear, it’s just that I hate the smell of oranges so I would notice when he had them).

    I also wonder what good it would do beyond perhaps make him feel like I care about him as a person – even if this was in fact due to a return of his eating disorder, it’s not like I can do much beyond recommend therapy. I’m mostly contemplating bringing it up because, well, it’s true. I do care and I feel worried.

    I’m open to any insight!

    Reply ↓
    1. DisneyChannelThis*

      Don’t comment on his appearance, or eating habits – that can be very triggering for eating disorders. Do make sure to be a good friend for him. Bring it up more generally, like you’ve noticed he seems glum these days, is everything alright?

      Reply ↓
      1. Century Kestrel*

        Good advice thanks! That way he’d have an in to tell me whatever’s going on even if it’s unrelated.

        Reply ↓
      2. Cordelia*

        yes you could say something like “Colleague, you seem really low energy and not your usual self, is everything ok? Feel free to tell me to mind my own business, but I’d like to help if there’s anything I can do” but don’t comment on the weight loss or on what he is eating.

        Reply ↓
    2. RagingADHD*

      If you’re friendly to the point that it includes personal chat, I think you’re okay to ask – once and only once – if everything is okay, because you’ve noticed lately that he seems extra tired and run down.

      Stop there. Don’t go into detail about his weight or his food habits.

      Then follow his lead about what he does / doesn’t want to talk about. If he attributes it all to his side gigs, just let him know that you hope things get easier soon.

      Reply ↓
    3. I should really pick a name*

      There are a lot of posts on this site about how you shouldn’t comment a coworker’s appearance (and especially their weight)

      Nothing you’ve described changes that advice.

      It sounds like you already know a lot about him, so I gather you talk fairly regularly.
      That’s how you show you care. Making time for him and taking an interest in his life.

      Reply ↓
    4. Hyaline*

      What’s already been said–you don’t have to comment on appearance or eating to check in with him. In fact, you’ve listed things that a friend might pick up on, outside of appearance and food choices–he seems tired, low-energy, run-down. I think a kind “hey, Boris, you’ve seemed kind of down lately–is everything ok?” is waaaay different from “hey, Boris, you’ve lost about a pant size and I notice you’re not snacking at work anymore–what’s up with that?”

      I think the hard part here is that if he comes back with “Yep, all’s fine!” you have to drop it even if you’re 99% sure it’s NOT fine. You can follow up with “Well, if there’s ever anything going on, you know I’m here!” kind of thing, but if he’s insisting he’s fine you get maybe one of these check-ins every couple months for a total of maybe three total without it being weird (these numbers are completely made up but you get my drift–you can’t keep harping on it). At that point, you can just stay interested in his life and show that you care about him (and like him and enjoy his company–you don’t want him to feel like a project or a pity case).

      Reply ↓
    5. HonorBox*

      Inquire about HIM, not his appearance. Ask if everything is OK, because you’ve noticed he’s seeming to be more tired recently. If he’s open to talking, let him take the lead.

      Reply ↓
    6. anxiousGrad*

      I agree with what the others have said about checking in on him without necessarily mentioning the weight. In my senior year of college, I developed a health issue that made me lose a lot of weight. I brought up the weight loss with my doctors and they kind of blew it off. However, I had gone from being borderline underweight to being really underweight, so it was visible and EVERYONE in my life commented on it. Not just friends and family, but classmates, professors, coworkers, even people I was meeting for the first time who didn’t know that I had recently weighed more commented on how skinny I was. Constantly being asked, “Are you okay? You’re so skinny!” made me super self-conscious and lowered my self esteem, but I while I didn’t like the delivery, I was grateful for the message because it helped me know that I wasn’t crazy for thinking that I was losing a problematic amount of weight.

      Reply ↓
  55. Mental health anon*

    I got diagnosed recently with bipolar type 2. I think the most noticeable way this has manifested in my work life is when I’m hypomanic, I freak out about minor things, am generally unpleasant and hard to work with, and tend to get fired or seriously piss off the people I work with. When I’m depressed I can’t concentrate and don’t have more than a couple productive hours in me and have trouble waking up on time.

    Some of the meds my psychiatrist prescribed to get me out of a manic state make me so tired I don’t really fully wake up til noon or later the next day, and so I can’t be taking them every day. I am seeing her today and will talk about this. Other than that I feel like we have a good plan for meds and checking in moving forward.

    Any advice (for working when one has bipolar in general, not just the specific issue I described in the last paragraph) from other people with bipolar? I’m in my mid-30s, a software developer, have worked at this company almost 3 years and it’s the longest I’ve ever held down a job in my life. A lot of my early career consisted of getting fired after less than a year or leaving in a panic when something upsetting happened.

    I work at a small company that is pretty good about respecting work-life balance generally, but culturally somewhat conservative so there’s definitely no affinity groups or anything like that.

    Reply ↓
    1. DisneyChannelThis*

      Level with your HR/Boss, don’t name bipolar it gets a bad reputation, but do name the issue as a medical one. Hey Boss I wanted to let you know I’m taking a new medication, it’s going well but I’m working with my psychiatrist to figure out the correct dosage level, we’re ramping it up and down a bit. I wanted to let you know since I know my work has been a little irregular lately. That gets you some more leeway while stuff is getting sorted out. It also sets up the paper trail in case you need it later (medical leave etc). Also consider if you can take medical leave for a little bit, when trying new depression medication its pretty common to take some time to adjust.

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      1. Mental health anon*

        I’ve already had the vague “I’m dealing with some medical issues, let me know if my work is not where it needs to be” conversation when I was struggling a few months ago but didn’t have a diagnosis yet. It seems like everything is fine but the manager I report to also doesn’t know anything about my actual projects. So maybe we need a way to keep him more in the loop, I don’t know. Maybe the reporting structure needs to change so I report to the other team lead who is actively on my projects. But I’m trying to find a balance where I’m not making it my job to fix the company’s erratic management system.

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    2. Lady Danbury*

      I’m not bipolar but a close family friend is. She was diagnosed in her early 20s, so she’s a few decades ahead of you in terms of figuring out how to work with it (literally). She now leads an entire organization after working her way up from individual contributor, so it’s definitely possible to excel professionally with the right support/adjustments. One thing that she’s said is important to her is having a mental health plan that helps you identify your triggers and strategies to deal with them. That might include medication, therapy, getting more rest, meditation, centering exercises, etc. Your plan may need to evolve as life evolves, but the goal is to approach your mental health proactively rather than reactively.

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      1. Lady Danbury*

        Just realized that my first sentence is not ok. She is not bipolar, she has bipolar disorder. She is not her diagnosis!!!

        Reply ↓
        2. Mental health anon*

          But seriously, your comment is helpful, I’m going to talk about it with my psychiatrist today.

          Reply ↓
    3. YNWA*

      I have bipolar 2 and was diagnosed in 2004. The pharmapsychological roller coaster is real and can take 18+ months to figure out. Eventually I landed on Lithium with no anti-depressants or mood stabilizers and it still works for me. I have disclosed to every boss I’ve had (I’m also in higher ed so maybe it’s different) and it’s never been a problem. If you don’t want to disclose the disorder, you can just talk to your boss about the fact you’re undergoing some medication changes in general and how they are/may affect your work (hopefully on a temporary basis).

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      1. Mental health anon*

        Can you tell me more about how disclosing went, what you did and didn’t include, the existing relationship with your boss before you told them? Did you have any concrete asks or more just generally tell them about it?

        Reply ↓
        1. YNWA*

          My current department chair was a colleague before she became department chair and so in the course of our friendship my diagnosis came up (I’m probably way too open about it because I don’t want there to be a stigma around it). When I fully disclosed “I want you to know that I have bipolar 2 disorder and while it generally doesn’t affect my work, it may affect my moods. Extreme stress and fatigue can be triggers. I try to mitigate those through exercise and rest. I’m mindful of my emotional cycles (I track them) and I’m working closely with a psychiatrist for my medication. There are some side effects with the medication that include *insert symptoms here* but these are hopefully temporary and if not, I will seek out different medication.”

          And then if there are accommodations needed I bring those up. I’m a professor so I have more flexibility than a lot of people, I realize, but one of my accommodations is that I don’t have classes before 10am due to grogginess and dr. appointments.

          With a previous boss I didn’t know so well, it started as a general med conversation but he was asking so many questions about why the meds would make me groggy or why my moods may slip so I just told him the whole story. I thought he was going to be a jerk about it but he wasn’t. He didn’t give me grief when I needed a day off which was nice because he liked to harp on days off with others.

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    4. AnonymousOctopus*

      Hi! Fellow person with bipolar type 2 here. It took me about two years to figure my meds out, and it was definitely not a fun process. I also experienced difficulty waking up and general grogginess, especially when I was first taking the med. my psychiatrist split my dose, so I’d take about 1/3 of the dose around 6pm and then the rest at bedtime. That really helped with the energy issue in the morning. Once my body acclimated to the meds and the sedating effect was lessened I started taking the full dose at bedtime. In another stroke of luck(?), once the hypomania was under control I was screened for ADHD and it turns out I also got that fun brain wiring. Once I started the ADHD meds in the AM, it took care of the morning loopiness.

      My advice would be to get approved for intermittent FMLA now. It will protect your job if you have to take time off due to medication side effects or if you suffer a breakthrough episode. I had my first episode in 15 years during 2021 and I was able to take the time off I needed to get stabilized without having to stress about paperwork while my brain was on fire. I would not disclose what your disability is to your workplace, and to always just say “doctor” and “medical condition” instead of “psychiatrist” and “mental health”. I’ve been employed for multiple 5+ year stints and left all on good terms, but I don’t know that that would be the case if I had specified what my diagnosis is.

      The “figuring out meds” stages sucks hard, but keep going! I’m coming up on 20 years stable (minus aforementioned episode) and all of the med switches and side effects were 100% worth it. Best of luck to you!

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    5. juliebulie*

      I got a fairly late-in-life BP2 diagnosis a few years ago, and I have to say, the diagnosis itself was a real eye-opener. I tried to think about what’s different between the up and the down, and to have specific strategies to cope with those challenges. Example: when asked to provide a time estimate and description of the work I need to do for a given task, if I happen to be aware that I am in a hypomanic state, I will be very careful not to grossly over-promise, because I’m likely to overcommit when I’m in that state. And, when depressed, take a walk to the store and buy a snack. But do not do that when hypomanic unless I want to go home with four bags full of random sugar/fat/salt-laden convenience store crap.

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    6. Parakeet*

      I’m what’s sometimes called “soft bipolar” or “bipolar spectrum” – I haven’t had a full-on hypomanic episode, but I have atypical depression that often has mixed manic features, and have had hypomania that didn’t last long enough to meet the definition of a full hypomanic episode.

      Other people have given good advice. I think one thing that can help is to work on some kind of ingrained mechanism for realizing when your impulse control is starting to deteriorate, and going to a quiet spot or working from home or something if your job allows for the flexibility of moving around. Even just going for a walk.

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    7. MHF*

      Friend has the same diagnosis and it presents very similarly. They had a similar reaction to one of their medications (seroquel) that is used to prevent and/or treat manic states. Changing the time of day that they took the medication from morning to evening was helpful. Drastically reducing the dose helped more. They are stabilized at <50% of their original dose, take the medication daily, and can wake up and function with normal alertness. Some doctors will start with the schizophrenic-under-involuntary-hold dosage with everyone, especially if you first saw them while in crisis. Do NOT assume this will work for you (everyone is different) and do NOT demand to drastically cut your medication! It will not be helpful! But something to consider slowly testing out under doctor supervision if your body does not bounce back and adjust.

      Reply ↓
  56. Carrots*

    I work in a toxic environment. A manager was supposed to upload some info into the database but didn’t. I told big boss this and then manager met with big boss and they started to attack and go after me. Then my manager joined in and it’s 3 against 1.
    How do you handle this? Is this common in toxic places?

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    1. Cookie Monster*

      It’s hard to say without more details. When you say “attack” and “go after” you, were they yelling? Like raising their voices? If so, you don’t have to take that. You can simply say “I won’t be yelled at. Let’s have this conversation later when things are more calm” and then LEAVE the room. Don’t wait for them to agree or respond at all.

      Also, do you know WHY they got so upset with you for just informing big boss that you didn’t have the info you needed? Did they feel you went over your manager’s head? Or that you were “tattling” on the other manager?

      Reply ↓
  57. Adult ADHD?*

    I can’t believe I’m asking this but my psychiatrist recommended we discuss the possibility of ADHD.

    I’ve been on medication for depression for more than 10 years and it has helped tremendously. But I ran out, had issues with the pharmacy giving refills, and it’s been a huge hassle, so for maybe the past six weeks I’ve been without medication. My MD asked how I was feeling and I mentioned having trouble focusing. I also have a history of procrastinating and generally running late (though I’ve been working on it and am doing much better than in the past).

    Majorly important to note that my elementary-aged child was diagnosed with ADHD about six months ago and for the past few months has thankfully been doing great with his own medication. But my behavior at that age was so different – no behavioral issues, high-performing…

    He gave me a five-minute questionnaire and I have an appointment to discuss further with him in a few weeks.

    I don’t know why I’m feeling so upset by this possibility. I do tend to procrastinate with my independent contracting job (i.e., very flexible) and often end up working crazy hours late at night and into the early morning because I get distracted with other things that need to get done around the house. But I thought it’s just because I suck and need to get it together.

    Has anyone here had a similar experience? Even if maybe an MD suggested exploring ADHD and it ended up not being that?

    Reply ↓
    1. ADHD Diagnosis*

      I went through 2 day testing with a neuro-psychologist (or psychiatrist, don’t recall) and came out with an ADHD diagnosis. However, long story short, the symptoms seemed more related to my other issues (depression and anxiety) than ADHD itself.

      Reply ↓
      1. Adult ADHD?*

        Thanks for this, my psychiatrist and I discussed this as a possibility, and he said he is on the “conservative” side I. terms of diagnosing ADHD and prescribing suh meds so I appreciate that

        Reply ↓
    2. LuckyPurpleSocks*

      Not me but my colleague was recently diagnosed with and started receiving treatment for ADHD and while they are amazed at the difference it has made in their life, they have also experienced a lot of sadness and anger for the years they spent struggling with executive function and blaming themselves. You are not alone.

      Reply ↓
    3. cmdrspacebabe*

      You are going to get MANY supportive comments from all of us ADHDers in the AAM community. (: That feeling of “I just suck and need to get it together” is… pretty much a universal experience, tbh. You do not suck.

      Being a high performer in childhood is NOT a disqualifier. Many, many of us who are diagnosed late in life had good grades; those school skills are not necessarily transferable to real life (school comes with more built-in structure and supervision than Regular Adulthood). Many of us were also using maladaptive coping mechanisms to keep up (high rates of substance abuse, for example). There are also multiple types; perhaps your son has the hyperactive type while you’re inattentive, which is less visible from the outside and much more likely to fly under the radar. And because it’s hereditary (mechanisms yet unclear), getting diagnosed after your kid does is incredibly common (happened to my mom!).

      If it’s not ADHD, it’s still quite likely to be *something* – those persistent feelings of ‘I suck’ aren’t just coming out of nowhere. A number of disorders can look similar from the outside – sleep apnea/insomnia, for example; symptoms of sleep deprivation are very similar to ADHD. It’s still very worth looking into. Even if you don’t get a diagnosis, you’ll learn more about how your brain operates and what you need to excel. It can be a tough journey, but a very, very empowering one that is likely to bring long-term improvements to your life.

      Any chance you’re feeling unusually upset because you’re starting to put the pieces together and realize that you’ve had an unsupported disability your whole life? Because that is also a very common experience, unfortunately.

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      1. Adult ADHD?*

        Thanks for the support. I think what possibly upsets me is feeling like this is giving up and being weak. If I just got my act together I would be able to do stuff that I see other people doing. I’m just lazy and pursuing this/exploring whether this diagnosis is accurate feels like cheating/taking the easy way out. (Note: I would NEVER say or think this about others, in my mind it only applies to myself. that’s normal too right? :) )

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        1. Procrastinator*

          Yep. Normal.

          I don’t believe it is giving up–I believe it is taking a step back and looking at the problem at a higher level.

          Accepting a diagnosis of ADHD doesn’t make the challenges go away. In and of itself, it doesn’t solve anything. It can, however, give perspective and information that might allow you to become more effective than you have in the past.

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        2. cmdrspacebabe*

          So deeply relatable. In my early 20s I had a whole ‘epiphany’ that I was a fundamentally lazy and unambitious person, and I was going to need to lower my standards for myself if I ever wanted to be happy. A friend of mine suggested ADHD to me about 3 weeks later and it turned my whole life around. If you spend long enough berating yourself for ‘messing up’ (or being berated by others), it STICKS. And because so much of what’s wrong is internal, you can go your whole life without realizing that *everyone else is having a fundamentally different experience than you are*. That’s one of the first things a lot of us realize when we start medication: we have genuinely been on Hard Mode all along, and other people actually CAN ‘Just Do Things’ (a concept that I legit never fully understood until I was medicated). Turns out that ability is called ‘executive functioning’ and you can’t do it if you’re short on neurotransmitters. (:

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          1. Tau*

            I talked about that Hard Mode realisation on starting medication just downthread! It was one hell of a whammy. That first day I took a break from spontaneously deep-cleaning my bathroom after having just whirlwind reorganised my kitchen and vacuumed my whole flat to burst into tears from sheer anger at the realisation of just how unfair this neurotransmitter thing was.

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        3. Mad Scientist*

          That feeling is a nearly universal experience for folks with ADHD. I felt that way my entire life until medication. For me, the one and only thing that allowed me to “get my act together” was medication. Like you, I used to think that was cheating or taking the easy way out. Now I view it like putting on my glasses. I will never be able to do what others can do without my “glasses” on, but I’ve accepted that.

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        4. allathian*

          No ADHD here, but joining the choir of “you do not suck.”

          Realizing that you need help and accepting it when you need it doesn’t make you weak no matter what your internal voice’s telling you. Rather, it shows you’re a mature person trying to make the best life for you that you can.

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    4. Paint N Drip*

      First of all, sounds like you’re kinda on the struggle bus right now and I feel for you! Maybe the possibility of a diagnosis is freaking you out just because who needs another thing to deal with?? Lots of us also have residual judgments or fears around certain diagnosis words so you might need to look inward and excavate some of that – the whispers of self-hate don’t help anything.
      I went to therapy as soon as I was out of my parents house and told I had anxiety and depression, have been in regular therapy since. A decade later I was struggling enough to seek out medication, and the rollercoaster of trying every antidepressant didn’t offer any huge improvements – doc didn’t think the anxiety warranted medicating. My current therapist brought up ADHD one day, with the assumption that I had been diagnosed… uh no??? Yeahhhhhh adult diagnosis. But it’s okay! I’m not medicated, but now it is an option. I have a name for the way my brain works. There are communities of people who can support you deeply. Researching your issues now has a helpful hashtag :) if it’s ADHD you will be okay

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    5. Forever 10 minutes late*

      For me, I was in a similar boat, and it was ADHD. I was shocked, too, because I was a very well behaved kid with good grades who consumed books whole. None of the childhood symptoms seemed relatable, but as an adult, I’ve struggled.

      When taking that questionnaire I thought, “Well yeah, but everybody does that! I just suck at will-powering through it!” Turns out, that’s not how that works. Different people experience symptoms differently and a lot of the research is based on a stereotypical presentation in little boys. Everyone procrastinates, runs late, gets distracted *sometimes* but not everyone’s inner life is completely dominated by managing these issues.

      For me it felt like a sucker punch at first because I was invested in the idea that if I just kept trying, I would get better. It felt like being told “This is the best you’ll ever be able to do.” I don’t know if that resonates with you. (It has gotten better, though, with the right combination of medications and strategies, etc. but self-acceptance is also a part of that).

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      1. Adult ADHD?*

        The first two paragraphs really ring true for me, thank you. I think part of me fears it is ADHD bc that’s a “problem” or “deficiency” (again not for others just for myself) OR if it’s not then I really do just suck and…need to “will-power through it” as you said. but why haven’t I been able to do that yet?
        I feel like part of it also is the stage of life – I have youngish kids and feel like my brain still hasn’t recovered!

        Reply ↓
        1. RagingADHD*

          It’s okay to acknowledge that you have internalized stigma around executive function disorders. That makes you about even with…literally everyone else on the planet. Indeed, one of the things that was hard to come to terms with for me was how often I made myself feel better for my struggles by comparing myself to people who couldn’t hide it. It’s not nice, but we are all human beings who have not-nice thoughts and impulses sometimes, and the only way past them is to be honest with yourself about them.

          And after all, you may not actually have ADHD. Lots of things, including depression, anxiety, sleep deprivation, physical illness, and major hormonal changes, can all compromise your executive function. That’s why the diagnostic process is more complicated than watching a TikTok and vibing with it. There’s a lot of other possibilities to rule out.

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        2. Tau*

          Yeah, this is extremely relatable (I got diagnosed with ADHD last year, in my late 30s). That “why do I suck, how can I stop sucking and stop being lazy and just willpower through” was, like, the background music of my 20s. And that question of well, why haven’t I managed that yet also haunted me.

          In addition to something a friend said at one point: well, so what if the problem is lack of self-discipline, what the hell are you supposed to *do* about it if so? Ninja training? That made it a little clearer just how realistic my dreams of making all my problems go away by finding the magic switch labelled “willpower!” weren’t.

          (And yeah, I was also a high-performing child who wasn’t behaviourally obvious as far as ADHD was concerned and didn’t really show any hyperactivity or the like.)

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        3. Parakeet*

          I don’t know if this helps, but as a late-diagnosed (with several things, including ADHD) person, one thing that I think is really useful about it is that some of the coping mechanisms that work for others might work for you! When you have a diagnosis of something, it often comes with a community and a set of strategies that people have found work well for them. Far from taking an easy way out, it can enable you to (if you want to) do things that are hard, those things that you didn’t understand why you couldn’t do.

          (I was a well-behaved high performer as a kid too. I also, while my parents tried hard, suffered from pretty significant medical neglect for various reasons, which is one reason I was late-diagnosed with so many things. So I had a lot of self-loathing about any difficulties that I had, and was actually so relieved and excited to get diagnoses and realize that there were strategies I could use other than figuratively beating my head against a wall and being upset that this didn’t break the wall down.)

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      2. Tau*

        Ohhh that sucker punch, I remember that sucker punch. I basically broke down in tears when I realised that the problems I had Getting Shit Done were psychiatric in nature and were not just going to magically go away once I found the right stick to beat myself up with. (It’s much, much better now, and my life is so much better than it would have been if I’d continued along that route, but it’s a hard pill to swallow at first.)

        The other screwy thing was the first time I took medication. I still remember looking at my kitchen, going “oh man it’s a mess, I ought to clean that up” and just… getting up… and cleaning it?! Without having to effectively forcibly shove myself into that direction and micromanage every action and probably swerve off and start doing something else after I’d washed up four cups? It was just. Brains can work like that? Does everyone else’s brain work like that?? Do you mean my brain could have worked like that this whole time?!?

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    6. Lady Danbury*

      ADHD can be genetic. My partner and his sister have both been diagnosed with it, him as a teen (classic symptoms) and her as an adult (high achiever, dual degrees, etc). They’re convinced that at least one, if not both, of their parents also has it but a professional diagnosis will never happen! Adhd symptoms tend to show up differently in males than females, even in childhood, which is one of the reason why women tend to be underdiagnosed. I have another female friend who just got diagnosed a few years ago, in her mid 30s, and it explained everything for her. There are a variety of other conditions, including depression, that tend to be comorbid with adhd.

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      1. $43.50 Worth of Ranting*

        Oh yeah and it can go either way – depression and anxiety can cause executive function issues, but also, feeling constantly stressed and inadequate because of undiagnosed ADHD can generate cycles of anxiety and depression.

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      2. Slow Gin Lizz*

        I admit that I am curious if Adult ADHD? is a woman, Girls/woman tend to be very underdiagnosed for ADHD as compared to boys/men, at least in the past, because it was assumed that one had to have hyperactivity as a symptom in order to be diagnosed and that was the symptom that more boys exhibited. (Signed, a woman who was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD less than two years ago while in my mid-40s.)

        Over the years I have been diagnosed with anxiety, insomnia, and even OCD because of my symptoms, but upon hearing more about ADHD about three years ago, I was like, hmmm, that actually sounds a LOT more like me (can’t get my brain to shut off, for one, hence the insomnia). So, yeah, co-signing that a lot of conditions can be co-morbid with ADHD and even mask them. Like, getting treated for anxiety helped calm my brain somewhat, getting treated for insomnia helped me sleep better and thus not be tired all the dang time, and then once I got those treatments and was still having trouble shutting my brain off, among other things, I sought out an ADHD diagnosis, which actually took over a year and a false negative before I got the positive diagnosis. So in answer to your question, it was actually the opposite for me, where I got a negative diagnosis first but after a year or so was like, mmm, no, I’m still pretty sure I have ADHD.

        Fwiw, the first testing I did really seemed geared more towards kids who have trouble concentrating in school – it was a bunch of clinical tests and didn’t ask a single thing about my life or why I thought I might have ADHD. The second testing was a lot better because it asked about certain traits/symptoms that ADHDers exhibit and when I answered yes to a lot of them, it was pretty obvious that I have it. I also now suspect that I actually have AuDHD and that also complicates diagnosis. For instance, one of the traits that a lot of ADHDers have is poor memory, but I have a really excellent memory for certain things, so I think it’s possible I have mild autism that masks my ADHD symptoms and now that my ADHD is more under control my autistic symptoms are coming out more. Don’t know if I’ll bother getting an autism diagnosis, though, since I already have a diagnosis that qualifies me for accommodations if I need them.

        Anyway, it can be pretty freeing to finally get a formal diagnosis, so don’t shy away from that, OP! In my opinion, it only helps you realize that a lot of the things you do that may be frustrating actually have a *reason*, not simply that you’re “lazy” or just need to “buckle down and do the work.” Being neurodivergent makes everything a lot harder!

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          1. Bread Crimes*

            I know SO MANY women who got diagnosed for ADHD in their 30s, 40s, or even 50s. Especially during early pandemic times when all of the habits/structures they were using to keep on top of things got yanked away. Just, uh, speaking for myself, on that one, though I sure wasn’t alone.

            If you do end up getting the diagnosis, finding a therapist who deals with adult ADHD stuff (and who you click with) can be really valuable; as mentioned by others, you also would not be alone in having some really complicated feelings of anger, shame, relief, grief, etc. over getting the diagnosis that late. Everything from “It could have been so much easier and I could have done so much more if I’d figured out sooner!” to “No, no, I must still secretly be a lazy/incompetent person who needs to try harder, not like people who really need these meds,” etc.

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        2. Tau*

          I got my autism DX first, followed by the ADHD diagnosis over a decade later, and AuDHD definitely complicates stuff and either condition can mask the other. (I also probably wouldn’t have passed the first test you describe.)

          And yeah, the ADHD diagnosis has been a lot more useful than the autism one; I wish I’d gotten them the other way around, and probably wouldn’t have bothered getting the autism DX at this point if I had. I just haven’t seen useful autism-related support since leaving university – It was actually pretty frustrating for me for a while, because I thought the major major executive function problems I was having were an autism thing but whenever I looked into autism support stuff it was like, supported living for people unable to live alone or social skills seminars or that kind of thing. The ADHD diagnosis has been a real breath of fresh air because finally, finally I am encountering treatment options which are actually aimed at the symptoms that make my life hell and not the ones that I figured out how to cope with OK in my late teens/early twenties and have been manageable since.

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    7. RagingADHD*

      Being a good student and a compliant / well-behaved child has nothing to do with the likelihood of having ADHD, just the particular constellation of traits and how they interacted with your life circumstances. In fact, from my observation of my family & people I know, many kids who were physically hyperactive may grow up to live lives where their traits do not hold them back (aka “grow out of it”), while kids who were more in the hyperfocus or inattentive end are more likely to have increasing problems as they gain adult responsibilities & more complex lives.

      Same people, same traits, different demands = different severity of disorder.

      For me, it was more revealing to think about less obvious traits in childhood: blurting out non sequiturs or uncomfortable truths, or seeing patterns of facts / information that other people don’t see; lack of volume control; really noticeable “spikes” of being quiet/ thoughtful vs chatty cathy; losing belongings; often / easily going into “flow state” and losing stretches of time when focusing; small impulsive actions like touching things to see if they are hot or sharp (they were!). As well as physical / sensory stuff like shutting down or becoming disoriented in overstimulating environments, and having really, really strong “quirks” about certain types of clothing or food textures.

      Children usually only get diagnosed when their traits are a problem for adults. Teens and adults get diagnosed when their traits cause problems for themselves.

      Having a diagnosis or not doesn’t change anything about who you are – it’s just a name for what you experience, and a good lead on tools that could help you feel better and function better.

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    8. Dr. QT*

      FYI: when they ask if you experience something often, if your answer is “No because I’m an adult and I’ve figured out a system for that” the answer should actually be yes. It turns out if you have a series of complex coping mechanisms that allow you to be a functional person, it doesn’t actually mean you don’t have ADHD. People without ADHD or other similar disorders don’t have to have a series of complex coping mechanisms to do the thing.

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  58. Annonynon*

    Can I put a job from 20 years ago on my resume? I’m switching back to a previous type of role and this job was directly applicable to a job that I want to apply for. It’s not a skill that would go stale after 20 years – it shows my event planning ability, which I think will still be the same!

    If I can put it on, how do I? Just list it below my last job and ignore the huge date gap? Or can I mention it in my cover letter if I don’t put it on my resume?

    Reply ↓
    1. MsM*

      Was it the job you held immediately preceding your last job? If not, I think there are going to be questions about the gap. You could maybe drop a few other lower-level jobs off your resume if those weren’t of particular consequence and duration, but if that still leaves your resume looking unwieldy or patchy, I’d focus on the cover letter.

      Reply ↓
    2. spcepickle*

      I wouldn’t. I do think that almost all skills “go stale” in that both you forgot them and because the way that we interact with the world has changed so much. 20 years ago you didn’t need hashtags and a social media presences to plan an event – but you do now.
      I also think that agism is real and putting a job from 20 years ago will start to play into that.

      Instead I would talk up on my cover letter how your skills from the last 20 years are applicable. I might also in the cover letter talk about how you have done this work in the past and really enjoyed it, but I would not put it on my resume.

      Reply ↓
    3. Aggretsuko*

      That’s about what I did in landing my job. My boss liked that I used to do that job and it ties in with the skills needed here.

      Reply ↓
    4. Analytical Tree Hugger*

      One approach that can work is to have two work experience sections:

      -RELEVANT EXPERIENCE-
      … … …

      -OTHER EXPERIENCE- (or something less awkward)
      … … …

      Reply ↓
  59. BellStell*

    Tell me your recent malicious compliance stories!

    I went back to read some of the malicious compliance stories recently and have begun applying this tactic in teaching moments. So, as my new (7 months) very directive, not nice, ‘bosses us all around’, cow-orker asked me to update a budget yesterday in our internal portal. I went into compliance mode. This is literally four boxes. To take from a small (60 lines) budget, add up 3 groups of numbers, and 1 number is there (overhead) and take those four numbers and place them in the four empty boxes. I replied I did not have permission but would see what we could do. Nope, cannot do this, because, as she is fond of saying on partner meetings that “I am (she is) the Project Manager.” So today I screenshotted the portal page, and for the four boxes, went to the shared budget document, did some 5 min math, and noted which of the four boxes got which number. Then I logged out because were I am in it was already 6pm!

    Any other malicious compliance stories to share this week?

    Reply ↓
  60. a perfectly normal-sized space bird*

    Grumpy this morning as I went out to socialize last night and other people were having animated discussions about their work, what they do, the industries they’re in, interesting facts about the field, etc. And I…couldn’t contribute. I can tell people I’m a Teapot Director and I help train Tea Ceremony Attendants but that’s about it. Our NDAs are so thorough, I can’t even say that we use tea, much less what kind it is. The conversation stalled at that point and there were a few side-eyes.

    And my corner of my industry is thoroughly boring and my well-known employer one of the largest in the industry so I can’t even pretend I’m a secret agent. Being an actual Teapot Director would be a thousand times more interesting. If all the jobs in my actual field weren’t imploding and I could find one that paid anywhere near what this one does, I’d at least be able to bore people with interesting facts I think are cool, like preservation methods.

    Any suggestions on what I can do in the future to avoid grinding such a discussion to a halt and sit there awkwardly? Pretend I’m a secret agent? Not even say what I do or who I work for and blame it all on the NDA to make me seem more mysterious?

    Reply ↓
    1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      I used to work in national defense. I had a hard time explaining my job to my mom, even considering the fact that my dad had worked in the same field for 25 years too.

      You can talk about the physical place you work and any funny personalities, right? Or bureaucratic snafus you have to deal with, or how good the taco bar in the cafeteria is?

      Since it’s a well-known employer, you can always say “Well-known employer is actually really secretive about some stuff and you wouldn’t believe how restrictive my NDAs are” without giving out James Bond vibes.

      Reply ↓
    2. DisneyChannelThis*

      Be direct, if you can offer your job title do that just because a mystery gets more attention than being bland. Then if it’s 1:1 type conversion, just change the subject. “Oh my work’s really dull but what about that upset to my March Madness bracket!”

      If it’s a larger group just redirect back. “Oh I hate talking about my job, I’m so ready to find a new one. But Susan, tell us more about your dogsled training job, do you get to run the dogs your self or are you overseeing? What do you do when there’s not enough snow?” .

      Honestly, I’ve found active listening and engaging with many questions works really well for not talking about my own work. People love to talk about themselves, it’s easy to be an interested listener and the conversation just never circles back to me. If you need to mirror just use antedotes from your own life, “Oh man your boss sounds just like Terry on my trivia team you wouldn’t believe what he thought bears eat….. “

      Reply ↓
    3. Consultant of...*

      I recommend just embracing the lighthearted boring of it all and get good at deflecting. I’ve worked for a few clients and I can’t ever disclose I worked for them, so I get it. I usually throw something bland around about the industry in general – so for training maybe something like “I get to try and train all the newbies, lots of the bathroom is here, let me show you for the 100th time how the copier works, oh – and aside from that lots of droning on about regulation nonsense that makes you want to just take a nap. Makes me tired thinking about it! At least it never gets old telling people they have to wear real clothes to the office – lol! But you were talking about grass growing, tell me more!” can move things along.

      I used to have a job where it was next to impossible to explain what exactly I did – so I just gave a “kind of function as a project manager to facilitate marketing campaigns” because no one would understand any of the industry terms.

      Reply ↓
    4. Anon for this*

      I would usually talk about the work personalities and the interpersonal relationships I saw playing out. there were a lot of examples I could give as well as it was generally more entertaining

      Reply ↓
  61. DisneyChannelThis*

    In today’s dumb AI moves, our local University career center told the graduate students that they should be using chat gpt to write their cover letters.

    Reply ↓
    1. I should really pick a name*

      It’s not a terrible idea.

      They shouldn’t just say “write me a cover letter”, but it’s a method of organizing your ideas into something cohesive.

      Reply ↓
      1. DisneyChannelThis*

        I think it’s dumb because when a hiring manager reads 50 cover letters a day it’s very easy to spot patterns of what sounds like GPT. And for a role that requires writing skills, not being able or willing to write a 2 paragraph cover letter is a bad sign.

        Reply ↓
        1. Charlotte Lucas*

          I agree. If you can’t organize your thoughts/points well enough for a cover letter upon graduation, how are you going to do it while interviewing?

          It’s almost as if they’re admitting that they haven’t taught students a basic university-level skill.

          Reply ↓
        2. Lore*

          The only useful thing I have thus far gotten out of Chat GPT was to write my cover letter and then ask it to review my resume + cover letter against a very detailed job description and suggest anything else I should highlight in my application materials. That actually brought up a few tweaks that I thought were worth making. (Having said that, it was a total stretch job that I’m not even going to hear back from, so there will be no evidence as to whether the advice was actually good.)

          Reply ↓
        3. I'm just here for the cats!!*

          It might be a good way to start at cover letter or to get ideas if they don’t know how to write one. But the career center should really be telling them how to do it!

          Reply ↓
        4. Hyaline*

          Absolutely all of this. TBF university career centers are well known for offering a, ahem, range of reliability in their advice.

          Reply ↓
      2. A Reader*

        But ChatGPT isn’t organizing your ideas, it’s generating statistically-likely strings of vaguely idea-shaped utterances.

        Reply ↓
  62. $43.50 worth of ranting*

    * Complaining about being hourly thread *
    I work in a highly detailed, technical field in a role that you’d normally expect to be salaried, but everyone at my level and below is hourly non-exempt. This is great for the company: since we bill the clients per hour, the company minimizes salary costs they can’t pass through to clients, which more than offsets the very rare overtime pay. We fill out detailed time sheets every week.

    I hate being “punished” for working efficiently, and having my contributions measured in hours-spent instead of the overall value I bring to the company. I only have 5-6 hours of brainpower in a day for the kind of detailed analysis I do, but I am also bringing in work and thinking strategically about how to build my department; I think I deserve stable, full-time pay. Instead I’m left scrambling to make ends meet every time I have a hard week where I don’t log a lot of hours.

    Anybody else have this problem?

    Reply ↓
    1. I should really pick a name*

      What do you consider worthy of logging as hours?

      I argue that strategic thinking is work, and considered part of the task you’re thinking about.

      Reply ↓
    2. Generic Name*

      I wasn’t hourly, but I worked in an environment with billable hours, so the people who worked more billable hours got all the glory. I am very efficient, and I was able to juggle multiple projects (on time and within budget), and multiple non-billable areas of responsibility in 40 hours. I also brought in all the work I did. Somehow I was seen as a middling performer who didn’t matter. So I left and am now working a job that pays me $50k more than what I made at my old job less than 2 years ago. Got a promotion in less than a year to boot.

      Reply ↓
    3. a perfectly normal-sized space bird*

      I’ve struggled with this as well. Last year, I really ramped up my efficiency by automating tasks with Python scripts, something no one else had been doing. And then it bit me in the butt when I found out my efficiency shorted me the hours I needed to reach the threshold for benefits for the next fiscal year.

      Later, I was told that I should consider my programming experience to be worthy of counting working hours because this was a skill I brought to my position that others at my level didn’t have. It took me significantly less time to complete a task but I was still entitled to receive the same pay as someone who completed it manually.

      The other thing I had to get used to was billing for time where I wasn’t actively working. Sometimes I was just waiting for someone to get back to me, or I had to be available in case someone else needed me. Or we were just in a lull of work. Those still count as hours working, even if I’m just sitting at my desk browsing the internet while waiting. The downside of this system is like you said, punishing efficiency, especially when there are people who are being deliberately inefficient to get the maximum amount of hours.

      Sometimes in the dead times, I do things like create spreadsheets and databases for something not necessarily work related. It helps keeps my skills with those programs fresh and since I need those programs to do my job, I consider that billable hours. But it is tough to maintain a balance. I don’t want to be seen milking my timesheet but I also want to be paid what I’m worth so I can pay the bills.

      Reply ↓
      1. $43.50 Worth of Ranting*

        That last sentence is a big part of it – if I’m too generous in “rounding up” my hours, I risk putting projects over budget and then having to answer for that.

        Reply ↓
    4. Sharon*

      Is your company not allowing you to count hours unless they are billable to a client, or are you actually working short weeks? You should be spending time organizing, thinking, reading industry news, training, etc. – and getting paid for it. Nobody has 100% billable hours.

      Reply ↓
  63. Can't Sit Still*

    Starting next week, I will have a medical treatment for 3 hours in the morning once a week for 8 weeks. My manager wants to put up an out of office message during my appointment time. What should the message say? Medical appointment? Just that I’m out from 9 am – 12 pm?

    Even though emergencies are rare, it would be best if people aren’t wondering where I am if something blows up unexpectedly.

    Reply ↓
    1. DisneyChannelThis*

      I will be unavailable today from 9am to 12pm. If you are in need of urgent assistance please contact Boss BossEmail@boss. .

      Good luck with your treatment!

      Reply ↓
    2. HonorBox*

      Sending you best wishes!

      I think you can say “I’m out of the office from 9-12 for an appointment. If you need immediate assistance, please contact _______ (whoever you and your boss see as the appropriate person).”

      Reply ↓
    3. RagingADHD*

      “Thank you for your message. I am currently out of the office, returning [day, time]. Please direct requests to [whoever covers, probably your boss] if you need a response before that time.”

      Reply ↓
  64. podcasts/books*

    What are you favorite leadership podcasts or books? Things that have made a difference in your life, given you inspiration, that you’ve learned from but that are real and acknowledge change is hard and we are human.

    Reply ↓
    1. Thin Mints didn't make me thin*

      Harvard Business School has a biweekly leadership newsletter that I’ve found useful.

      Reply ↓
  65. FMLA questions*

    FMLA and surgery

    Health insurance willing, I’ll be out for a significant time this summer to have surgery with a long recovery period. I know I need to file for FMLA, but how does that work? The surgeon just said to have any forms sent to them and tell their office how long I need to be out (people with an office job can go back to work much sooner than people with a physical job). The paperwork for the surgery said to be out for X amount of weeks but also to plan on going back only half days for awhile.

    Do I just contact my HR and ask for the forms? Do I have them send them? How do I ask for a certain amount of weeks off but also to only work half days for a certain amount of time, or is that not even a thing? And what would happen if at the end of those weeks I’m still not able to go back to work? (the surgeon said some people aren’t ready to go back either because they still don’t feel healed enough or because the surgeon won’t clear them, my job is hugely physical and often involves lifting well over 100lbs).

    Should I wait to file for FMLA until I find out for sure the surgery is approved by my insurance? The surgeon’s office said they will take care of pre-approval process but they didn’t say if they’d confirm with me that they got pre-approval so I don’t want to be sitting around waiting but I don’t want to go file paperwork and then find out everything was denied.

    Reply ↓
    1. cactus lady*

      Ask your HR department what the process is – I have been out on FMLA twice, once for surgery and once to take care of my mom, and the process was different for each (different employers). One was very structured and one was very loosey-goosey to the point that it made me uncomfortable, but I wanted to make sure there was a paper trail.

      Reply ↓
    2. Rusty Shackelford*

      You want to file for intermittent FMLA. This will let you return to work for half days, while using FMLA for the rest of those days. Request more time off than you think you’ll need, because you never know what will happen, and you can easily return to work before that predicted end date if things turn out okay. Our HR provides the form, but I believe it’s a standard government form. You fill out part of the form and your doctor’s office fills out the rest; then you return it to your HR. Your doctor may or may not be willing to fill out their part before your insurance approves the surgery. And in my experience, they won’t even schedule the surgery until they hear from your insurance.

      Reply ↓
    3. Samwise*

      See if you can make an appt with HR — if there is a leave specialist, that’s the person to meet with. Discuss what forms you need to complete, what forms the medical provider needs to complete. Discuss intermittent vs continuous FML. Ask how many days/hours of FML you can get. Ask if you need to use sick leave, can you use other pots of PTO if you use up your sick leave, what happens if you use up all of your leave — do you go on leave without pay and if so how does that affect benefits (insurance, retirement contributions are the two biggies, there may be others at your employer). Is there a shared leave opportunity (where others can give leave to you) — if yes, when does it kick in, what do you need to do to request it?

      Ask when you need to renew your request — if it turns out you have to extend it beyond the current last date for treatment, what’s the process?

      Give yourself lead time to get everything done.

      Keep copies of EVERY single form and piece of documentation, keep a log of phone calls/emails/requests thru patient portals etc.

      Know who to escalate problems to (for both your employer and for all medical providers) as well as who is the person who can answer questions quickly and accurately. That’s not always the same person you escalate to.

      Discuss with your manager expectations for hours worked, in office/wfh, flexible hours, projects/tasks to be done/put on hold. Game out with your manager what to do if you unexpectedly can’t get into the office/work as many hours in a day or week/are unable to keep up with work.

      Reply ↓
      1. FMLA questions*

        Thanks, this is very detailed. My job is simple because we only have PTO, no sick time, and I only have enough PTO to cover a small amount of the time I’ll need off. So I definitely need to figure out how the benefits are getting paid for because I’m a one income home and all my savings got wiped out by a previous financial emergency last year, so being without an income for over a month is going to be an absolute blast. I’ve saved up enough to pay my medical bills, rent and keep the lights on during that months and that’s about it.

        My job is very physical labor intensive so I can’t push it and come back early and I can’t work from home. But I also don’t have to worry about any projects or anyone covering my work, its shift and coverage based, if I’m not there someone else will get put in my spot and it’s not like I’ll have a bunch of work to catch up on when I come back. My biggest worry there is that I work 12 hour shifts and we are very punitive for missing work, so I don’t want to come back to work and realize that a 12 hour shift is too much to physically handle but be unable to leave without risking an occurrence/write up.

        Reply ↓
  66. Tradd*

    MASSIVE RANT!

    The tariff situation has made my work as a customs broker a huge dumpster fire. The amount of emails we’ve had the last two days is ridiculous. I wrote up something that is being sent out, complete with links to the appropriate executive order, but customers aren’t reading it. They’re immediately coming back with questions that would be answered if they bothered to read what we send. I then had to write up something with bullet points and very small words, appropriate to a toddler reading level. Other customers are asking point blank in emails (!) about changing HS codes or reporting different cargo value so they can pay less duty. This is FRAUD and we’ve told them so. I’ve had customers (another company) who tried this in the past and ended up with massive fines from CBP. Any change right now will cause red flags with CBP. We have to get clearances through last minute.

    I understand importers are freaking out about increased duties (as high as 79% from China with the new 34% on top of 20% from the last two months and 25% from 2018, which was still in effect), but we’re drowning with all the requests for information. People screaming we’re not getting back to them soon enough. Regular importers who are mad we’re not giving them their standard duties (which they already have records for). We’re telling them it’s standard duty + new reciprocal duties. I have no time to hand hold. Others are getting really peeved that we’re not giving them info for 20 different products in the little spreadsheet they came up with. We simply don’t have the time. We’re working extra already.

    Reply ↓
    2. WellRed*

      Your customers are being rude but I wouldn’t want a link to the executive order either. The bullet points are a good idea. Deep breaths. That’s really all you can do besides call your congressman right now. Not trying to minimize any of this, Tradd, truly, but if the government wants to burn it all down, that’s not on you. This is all very fresh this week, it will get better. I hope.

      Reply ↓
      1. Tradd*

        I sent a one page summary with links to the EO and a fact sheet. We have to send the links to the original source documents. Otherwise the people who WANT to read it will be bitching we didn’t provide it.

        Reply ↓
    3. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

      I was honestly thinking about you the minute I saw how insane the new tariffs were going to be.

      Just remember that everyone is freaking out because they feel like things are out of control, and there is nothing you can do about it. They want to yell, well, they can get in line and yell with everyone else. It’s definitely not your fault this is happening.

      I think the bullet points on a toddler level is actually a brilliant way to handle it. You’re probably going to repeat yourself a million times before this gets better; I’d just make that response be your standard reply, perhaps with a note that the more individual requests they send, the longer it will take to do anything, let alone get back to them.

      Reply ↓
      1. Tradd*

        I have the summary sheet, the toddler summary, and some other shit I just paste into the body of my email. It’s very quick and good thing I type fast! I have to take so much work home this weekend. Ugh.

        Reply ↓
        1. Coverage Associate*

          I don’t know anything about your industry, but is this the kind of thing a temp can be taught to do? Like if a client sends an email about importing dolls from Switzerland, could a temp reply for you with the relevant information from your bullets?

          Or are clients asking about importing code igcr749 from country HE, and it would take too long to train a temp to decode?

          Reply ↓
          1. Tradd*

            There is no way upper management would hire a temp. Two, this is too damned complicated for a temp to handle. The secondary questions after the first email are flying thick and fast and I have to respond to those.

            Reply ↓
    4. WestsideStory*

      Oh, Tradd, I was afraid you’d be catching hell with it and sorry this is occurring at all.
      Take deep breaths and just try to remind yourselves that people are freaking out because they thought it wouldn’t affect them.
      It’s hard to be sympathetic because folks have had since last November 6 to scrounge up alternative vendors in non-tariff countries. I did ask someone who is pretty big in supply chain what he thought, and he said anyone in procurement has to expect that an imported product would become unavailable or unbelievably expensive (be it tariff or war or a factory fire or natural disaster) so purchasing execs always have a backup in their Rolodex (yes he’s older) for an alternate source. And doubly so for critical components. With an expectation waiting in forecasting that accommodates the inevitable rise in costs.
      I’ve read of companies expecting their suppliers to absorb the tariffs, which really seems unfair. He said a renegotiating of pricing might happen.
      The only solution he had for the current fiasco is for companies to turn to their Technical teams, just to see if alternate materials or products can be quickly tested and approved as substitutes for the use.
      So maybe turn it back to them and suggest they inquire at their purchasing department head or technical head to help them find options while the new regulations sort out?

      Reply ↓
      1. Tradd*

        Some background for you. The prez put 25% tariffs on many items from China in his first term. Biden kept those in place. Companies moved production out of China to countries like Vietnam, Taiwan, Malaysia, Thailand, etc. Now THOSE countries are getting hit with high duties, such as Vietnam at 46%. There are NO non-tariffed countries. Every country is getting hit with at least 10%, but most are getting much higher tariffs.

        Reply ↓
  67. Yay! I’m a llama again!*

    We’ve started to have to travel more with work (unnecessarily, but hey ho!) and a request has come in that will mean travelling on a Sunday.

    Not normally an issue as we get the time back, but this time it’s the Sunday at the end of my annual leave (PTO).

    It’s a Monday – Friday job, we never work the weekends and that’s not therefore part of the leave request.

    Now, I consider all the weekends around my leave to be part of it, and don’t actually think I should have even been asked if I could do it given that the leave us already in the calendar, but I’m curious about others opinions of weekends around booked time off?

    For context, it’s for training so it can easily start the Tuesday instead. It’s myself or a colleague but we both happen to be off the week before, and it doesn’t appear to be an issue that we’ve both said no, so this is mostly just pondering and curiosity – are the weekends part of your holiday?

    Reply ↓
    1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      Yeah, the Sunday you get back from a vacation is not a day you want to empty your suitcase, do laundry, pack again, get your work equipment together, and head back to the airport. Not to mention all the other stuff you might need to deal with around the house.

      I did some serious road-warrior stuff earlier in my career – stay at the airport hotel Sunday night, out on the 6am flight Monday, head home Friday afternoon. But that was scheduled well in advance. If I had vacation a previous week, I’d have plenty of justification to at least get some partial comp time on Monday and work from the home office part of the day.

      Reply ↓
    3. Yes And*

      When traveling for work, travel time is work time. If you don’t normally work on Sundays, and you have to travel on a Sunday, you should get a comp day off to balance it out. The PTO/holiday is a red herring.

      That said, my job does require some Sunday evening events, and I plan my PTO so it never overlaps with those events for exactly this reason. The difference from your situation is that my Sunday evening work commitments are scheduled ages in advance, well before I might reasonably planning my personal PTO.

      Reply ↓
    4. HonorBox*

      That Sunday at the end of your PTO, or the Saturday starting your PTO are not parts of the holiday, BUT they’re also not part of your regular work schedule. So you shouldn’t have to consider blocking that time during leave. My workplace’s timekeeping system won’t even allow us to put in leave requests for weekends.

      I’d push back in this situation. I don’t think you need to be overly difficult when you do. But your work doesn’t need to know when exactly you’re returning from your PTO. So if you’re getting back home later Sunday, there’s no way to turn around and leave straightaway.

      Reply ↓
    5. EA*

      Yes, weekends are part of vacation. I’d just say you’re traveling or something so you don’t have to work on Sunday.

      Reply ↓
  68. Yes And*

    This morning, I’m feeling pretty good (not happy-good, more righteous-anger-good) about convincing my company to fire our investment managers last year. I think the reasons why might violate the no-politics rule, so let’s just say I have a lot more confidence in our current team to manage this moment.

    Reply ↓
  69. SalmonHat*

    Please help as I’m getting increasingly exasperated with my manager. She is a lovely manager and a lovely person. She gives me tons of freedom and leeway in my job, is flexible with scheduling and is open and supportive. However, I have never worked with someone who is this sloppy and careless in their work. Emails sent to the wrong distribution group, poorly proofread content, invites sent multiple times to correct dates, times, attendees, etc. These sound petty typing them out but I worry it’s impacting the reputation of our team. I also want to avoid getting pulled into a work spouse type of situation where I’m always jumping to their aid. I’m constantly being asked where to find this (shared) file, please forward the email from yesterday, stuff like that. I recently had a situation where I let them softly “fail” (did not step in to correct a mistake) because I’m not their parent. If it had been external facing or something critical I would have, but was I wrong to let them mess up on a small scale? And they keep asking me for feedback on their management! I don’t know how to say this nicely.

    Reply ↓
    1. Reba*

      Maybe you could frame it around your own role and how serving as her extra brain/doing assistant type duties is taking time and headspace away from your projects, if that sounds true? Like, instead of saying “you make way too many mistakes” it would be “I find myself torn between support requests I get from you daily and the longer-term things I’m working on (or whatever)”

      Reply ↓
    2. Hlao-roo*

      Check out the “my lovely but bumbling boss is driving me crazy” post from February 7, 2022 (and update from December 15, 2022). It seems to me like your situation is similar so you might find the advice useful. I’ll put a link in the reply to this comment.

      Reply ↓
  70. Kait*

    I am a recent grad with my master’s in engineering in Canada and I’ve been job searching for 8 months. I need to pick up some temporary work to tide me over but I’m at a loss at where to look and how to apply – if I leave my education off my resume, I have years of gaps, and if I include it, I’m very overqualified.

    Does anyone have advice on a) what kinds of non-engineering jobs i could look for, b) any temp agencies in Canada that are actually hiring, or c) how to approach applying for jobs outside my field like this?

    Reply ↓
    1. Zona the Great*

      Pardon me if obtuse but can you find an internship to get you in where you want to be? This is what I did just after grad school. I was already a seasoned professional but it was hard to break in after graduating. This was my vehicle—internship.

      Reply ↓
      1. Kait*

        I’ve always assumed internships are for curent students only, but maybe that’s not the case. I’ll take a look – thanks for the suggestion!

        Reply ↓
        1. Hlao-roo*

          I don’t know if things are different in Canada, but in the US some companies will offer internships to people who graduated less than a year ago and other companies won’t offer internships post-graduation at all.

          Reply ↓
    2. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      Besides the internship idea, have you contacted your university career center or any of your professors. They may also have ideas more specific to your area and industry.

      Reply ↓
      1. Kait*

        Yes, I’ve worked with the career center to improve my resume and cover letters, and I’ve been in contact with professors. The market isn’t good right now, which is why I want to get any kind of job to tide me over. Every option seems like such a long shot that it’s not worth it though.

        Reply ↓
    3. Angstrom*

      Look for technician-level jobs? You can always say you want to get some practical hands-on experience.

      Reply ↓
  71. Treble cleft*

    I’m trying to decide whether or not to apply for AmeriCorps again. I’m still on my first term. The problem is that my home situation is so bad. I’m taking the necessary writing classes I need right now to get a higher paying job. I’ll be done when my term is up. I’m wondering if there’s even a point to it because I know I need the reward money for grad school. But I don’t know how long I can last at this bad home situation.

    Reply ↓
    1. former vista*

      Are you super rural or more urban? You can continue to do AmeriCorps and move out to live with a roommate (or several! I only ever had one), but the other thing to consider is how AmeriCorps might not survive everything happening in the government right now.

      Reply ↓
  72. related to your worst coworker*

    I have a relative who works in my industry, and although we’ve never worked together directly, our professional network occasionally overlaps. We’ve never worked in the same city or even the same state, but it’s a surprisingly small world! For example, I’m working on an international project on the other side of the world… and the client is my relative’s former boss. What are the odds?

    The thing is… I really don’t want to be associated with this relative professionally. Even as a family member, he has a reputation for being rude and difficult. He was fired from his most recent job for conduct & certification issues (I don’t know the details but it seems like he didn’t have the licensing required for his job). He also seems to overestimate his professional value. He has given me plenty of unsolicited advice over the years, which has mostly been terrible advice I’ve ignored (except for one time when he tipped me off about one of my clients being a creep who I shouldn’t be alone with… I was grateful for that!)

    Any tips on how to politely distance myself from this relative’s professional reputation if it ever comes up? Luckily, it has only come up in private conversations between family so far, but I feel like it’s inevitable that someone will eventually ask me if we’re related, and I don’t know the best way to say “Yes but please don’t judge me for it!”

    Reply ↓
    1. Lady Danbury*

      If someone asks, it’s ok to say “Yes, but we’re not particularly close” in a matter of fact tone. They’ll get the point!

      Reply ↓
      1. I'm just here for the cats!!*

        Yes this!! I think it might not even be obvious that you’re related unless you both have an unusual last name or that they may have mentioned you to someone else. Unless this relative is your parent people are probably not even going to think anything about the relationship. (People often figure parents or siblings will be more similar aligned than cousins or uncle/niece)

        Reply ↓
    2. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

      I’d be sorely tempted to say something along the lines of “Yes, but unfortunately we don’t get to choose our family.”

      Reply ↓
      1. related to your worst coworker*

        I like this response! Mainly because if my relative ever heard that I said that, he would probably think it was a joke and find it funny rather than being offended, but it conveys the point.

        Reply ↓
  73. Lucy p*

    Doing my first team interview soon. It’s a bunch of one on one’s with the entire team. What should I expect with this style of interview?

    I also want to make sure it’s a good fit for me. Are there any lines of questions that would be considered taboo? For instance, the company has given to/sponsored several religious educational organizations that would go against my faith if I had to participate in any way.

    Reply ↓
    1. Hlao-roo*

      I have done similar interviews where it’s a series of one-on-ones (my experience has been more hiring manager, hiring manager’s boss, peer, peer, so not the entire team but a good sampling of the team). I would expect that some of your interviewers will ask the same questions because they might be pulling from a stock list of questions and won’t necessarily know what everyone else has/will ask you. Overall, I like this style of interviewing because I can ask what collaborating on the team looks like (and get answers from a few different people so I have a fuller picture) and I can ask my maybe-soon-to-be peers what the manager’s managing style looks like.

      I think you can ask (generally and neutrally) about what “participation with outside organizations” looks like (if the company only sponsors religious ed. orgs I would ask about that, but if they sponsor other outside orgs too I would keep the question more general).

      Reply ↓
    2. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      For the interview it will be similar to any other interview. They will probably have some questions for you. If it is the entire team it’s going to be a good way to get an idea of how the team functions, what roles are like, etc.

      As for your second question I’m not sure how to answer it. You say that they give to or sponser religious organizations that go against your faith. If its an issue I’d take a long look and ask if you really want to work at an organization that doesn’t align with your faith/values. You DO NOT want to mention anything about your faith at any time during the interview process. If you are in the US they cannot legally consider your faith, and it opens you up to bias if you say anything.

      You might ask something like “I understand the company sponsors X Y and Z (maybe put non religious things in here if there are other areas that the company sponsors.) Can you tell me what role, if any, this team has with this part of the company.

      Reply ↓
  74. What's the move here?*

    I work in academia and have a new faculty colleague. She came from a very difficult situation in her previous position. She has referred to her experiences as trauma and it’s become clear to me and others I work with that she has a lot of trouble trusting people. I am sympathetic to this and have made efforts to be supportive of her comments in meetings, transparent in my communications with her, and to do what I say I’m going to do. It’s difficult to tell if this effort has made much difference. She seems increasingly unhappy at work and has reported to my colleague that she feels isolated – but part of that can be attributed to her being very critical of others. I’m at a point where I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and twisting myself in knots to make sure I don’t upset her…and also at a point where I’m not willing to put in much more effort to prove to her that I’m not out to get her. I’m mostly limiting my contact with her to necessary work email to avoid awkward encounters, but that may be feeding into her feelings of isolation. Not sure what the move is here. Thoughts?

    Reply ↓
    1. MsM*

      If she’s not coming to you with the isolation complaints, I don’t think you’re obligated to go out of your way to relieve those feelings for her. If she does, or if something happens that you don’t feel like you can let slide, ask for permission to be candid. Then tell her you know she’s had a rough time of it before coming here, but you’re concerned that she’s letting those experiences influence her interactions with the rest of the team in ways that are making it more difficult on her, and you hope she can find a way to not feel like she needs to be in constant defensive mode all the time.

      Reply ↓
    2. WantonSeedStitch*

      You’ve made an effort. If she’s unwilling or unable to respond to that effort, that’s not your job to fix. I would even go so far as to say to your manager that you’re finding it difficult to work with this colleague because you’re trying your hardest to be a good colleague to her, but she’s continually responding in ways that indicate she’s upset with you, and it’s making you want to avoid interaction with her for fear of upsetting her. This is a problem, and it’s not your problem. It’s your colleague’s (and her boss’s).

      Reply ↓
      1. Academic Physics*

        I agree, that might be good feedback her boss could coach her on.

        And What’s the move here?, just to try and reframe it, I agree that academia is traumatic af. Unfortunately, being an overly critical and easily upset person who makes others walk on eggshells is only going to inflict trauma on others.

        People can both be traumatized, and inflict trauma themselves. I’d try to disentangle yourself, and hope that your new colleague approaches you once they’ve worked through some things.

        Reply ↓
        1. What's the move here?*

          Academic Physics, you’re so right. I’ve made the mistake in other situations of being a bit too sympathetic to people who’ve gone through rough things and ended up enabling toxic behavior. I’m trying to not make that mistake again. I can’t fix her past. I can control how I treat her, and as long as I treat her with respect I’m doing my part. The rest is up to her. Thanks for the reminder.

          Reply ↓
          1. Academic Physics*

            To be clear, it’s a 100% hypocritical reminder. I have a lot of solidarity for seeing the ways that people have been hurt, and excusing a lot of poor behavior because of that.

            Your plan of being a kind, albeit slightly disengaged coworker who focuses on work is a good one though!

            Reply ↓
      2. What's the move here?*

        I appreciate you saying this – I really do feel like I’ve gone out of my way at times to try to make her feel supported and respected, and I definitely haven’t felt respected by her in return!

        Reply ↓
    3. Hyaline*

      It kinda sounds like she’s dragging a lot of baggage that may or may have to do solely with her previous employment into this situation, it’s tainting her experience in this new setting, and there’s very little you can do to *fix* that, per se. If she’s making herself unduly unpleasant to be around, she will push people away, and no amount of “but bad things happened to me” really excuses that, even if it explains it, you know? You’ve made the effort, you can continue to be a kind human in your encounters with her, and at some point, the onus is on her to unpack her trauma/s and learn to human with humans again. If there are ways to make overtures that aren’t too difficult (like making sure she knows she’s welcome at this or that brown bag lunch seminar, or reaching out to say you hope she comes to the department picnic at the end of the semester, or whatever), I think that’s a kind gesture–but this is really a “her problem” at the end of the day. (Yes academia is traumatic but it’s traumatic for almost everyone…at some point adults take responsibility for moving forward, and if she’s treating others poorly there’s really no excusing that.)

      Reply ↓
      1. What's the move here?*

        I think this is spot on and I appreciate the reminder. I definitely think she’s carrying some battle scars from the old job into this job. I have invited her to things like happy hours and at first she came to them but she’s stopped doing so and stopped responding to invitations. I was starting to think that I should stop inviting her since she doesn’t seem to want to go, but I guess it doesn’t hurt to include her in the group email and let her make her own decision.

        Reply ↓
  75. Pay or sanity - the dream*

    I need some wise words please, hopefully by someone who has gone through this already!

    I’m in my early 30s and until 2021, put way too much stock into finding a dream job and my career as my identity. It wasn’t until I landed in a job that I felt both passionate AND good at in 2021 that I felt like it was actually possible to find a job I clicked with. I worked in That Job and field until mid 2024. At that time, my husband and I were planning to move to DC (sigh), and we also were in a hard spot where I thought we would separate. That Job that I liked so much didn’t pay enough for me to make ends meet on my own without a second job. So I decided to leave it for a higher paying role in DC (This Job) with a lot of sadness.

    Fast forward to now, This Job pays wonderfully, but it’s super stressful. The work culture is awful, but not the worst I’ve experienced. I’m getting experience in an area I haven’t worked in before. It is grinding me down little by little. I spoke to my old boss at That Job, and she says I can come back to work here and there as a contractor, with a future possibility of another role opening next year. The pay would not be much different than before. I would likely need a second job again.

    I’m torn. Especially now, it feels risky to give up higher pay. But I miss who I was when I was at That Job. I miss feeling connected to my work. I miss my old coworkers. This Job takes so much of me mentally, I feel too exhausted to explore who I am outside of work.

    While my husband and I are still together, it’s tenuous. I also need to pile up more savings in case. If my husband and I were in a good place, I would feel so much more comfortable to work That Job as we would be OK income-wise together.

    What would you do?

    And for those that work higher paying yet high stress jobs, how do you find time/energy to have an identity outside of work? It’s a 40 hour job, sometimes 45 hours on bad weeks.

    Thank you xo

    Reply ↓
    1. WellRed*

      Questions: do you have to move back to old area? How steady would “here and there’s” contract be? Can you wait and see if the permanent job becomes available in a year and tough it out at current job? Also, can you identify what it is about your current role that’s grinding you down? Is it the actual work? A bad boss? Culture fit? Or are just needing more time to adjust and missing the familiarity of the old team, especially if your marriage is unstable. Finally, what are you and husband doing about that piece of this?

      Reply ↓
      1. WellRed*

        Adding: I’ve always chosen to work at jobs I like and probably still would but at 55, my finances reflect that. It’s not pretty.

        Reply ↓
      2. Hlao-roo*

        Also, can you identify what it is about your current role that’s grinding you down? Is it the actual work? A bad boss? Culture fit?

        I think these are great questions. Adding on a few of my own:
        Are there other jobs in the same field as This Job with better work cultures (and the same pay)? Or is the field of This Job pretty uniformly high stress?
        Are there other jobs in the same field as That Job (old job) with higher pay?

        Basically, are there other jobs that would have lower stress and similar pay to your current job (and maybe work you love as a bonus)? Finding them will be more work than the two specific jobs in front of you right now (current and old job) but if they exist they might be worth the effort of searching them out.

        Reply ↓
        1. Pay or sanity - the dream*

          Thank you for these questions!

          I really feel like I’m in a rock and a hard place. This Job is the highest paying job I’d get in this field, and at least in the surrounding areas (this job is typically not remote) the work places I know of are not any better. It’s known for being a higher stress field. There are other jobs in That Job field that pay higher (I worked at one briefly) but That Job field is also notoriously known for being high stress and having toxic cultures (think op-Eds are often written about this field.) I felt like I had a unicorn at That Job, but I believe there is something, they’re just hard to find because rarely people leave those companies unless they retire.

          I feel like something must exist, it’s just finding a needle in a haystack. I’m just too tired mentally to do a good job looking.

          Reply ↓
      3. Pay or sanity - the dream*

        These are helpful reflections!

        Here is what I’m reflecting on for your questions:
        I don’t have to move back to the old area of my job, but that specific niche I felt super passionate about. Here and there contracting might be ok with the pay, but it was too stressful given no health insurance, tax snafus, and CPA cost (I gave up trying to do my own taxes after how stressful it was.) I desperately need good health insurance, so that limited me. Current role has great health insurance.

        I could wait to see if permanent job becomes available at my old job, but I would be back at square one—low pay and needing a second job. Maybe I could move to a lower cost area.

        The current job is grinding me down due to work culture (leadership is mostly well meaning but very unorganized and demanding), and the actual job itself. I’m new to it and I’m a first time supervisor with a huge team and a weird structure. It was an unfortunate bait and switch—I wasn’t told I would be a supervisor when I accepted. I’ve asked for support or to have this taken off my plate, and neither is really happening.

        As far as marriage, we have talked some about this, but he is not open to counseling, and I am afraid the more I rock the boat, the more likely he will quickly leave and I will be more unstable.

        Thank you for your advice!

        Reply ↓
    2. Just a Pile of Oranges*

      My favorite job didn’t pay enough for me to live without leaning on debt, and I was steadily sinking into worse and worse debt. So I took the higher paying job and was so miserable there my health deteriorated. But honestly, as much as I liked favorite job, being too poor to do anything took a toll on my health also, just in a different way. Neither was good for me.

      The result was that I did what most of my generation has learned to do: keep looking for other jobs. I found third and fourth jobs, and every time my pay got a boost.

      The reason I can tolerate the high work load and long hours is because I can afford, and have the benefits available to take time off and go do things. I can spend a weekend in another city, and I can also spend three weeks in Japan, or two weeks on the beach. My identity outside of work is limited to time off, but at least when I have time off I have the most fun possible, and I have a wider variety of options to choose from. Three weeks in Japan was flat out impossible at favorite job. Heck, even a weekend out of town was painful.

      I miss the work. I probably always will. But there’s a lot of jobs out there, and a truly good job will have good work and good pay.

      Reply ↓
    3. Lady Danbury*

      Are you open to a third option, looking for something in between This Job and That Job in terms of job satisfaction (and potentially pay)? If I had to choose I would stick with This Job for now, while searching for Third Job. I was in a high stress, relatively high pay job with long hours and some toxicity. I am now in a role with just as much responsibility, but lovely coworkers, better work life boundaries, better hours and higher pay. Sometimes the nature of the role is stressful, sometimes the company/people make it stressful. The first step for you is to figure out what exactly is it about This Job that makes it so stressful for you (other than not being That Job) so that you can hopefully avoid that stressor in the future.

      Reply ↓
    4. Another Kristin*

      I also spent a long time in a low-paying career I was passionate about, until transitioning to my current career path about 10 years ago. My current job is not as fulfilling as my old field, but you know what never gets old, is a paycheque that’s the same every time and allows me to pay my bills and save money.

      Especially since your marriage isn’t doing great, I would stick with Pay for the time being at least, and find a hobby that’s nurturing and fun for you in your off hours. Leaving a stable job when your marriage is in trouble is not great for your long-term financial wellbeing, and you will really appreciate having a stable, sufficient income of your own if things don’t work out.

      You ask, how do you develop an identity outside of work? This is rough if you’ve been in the kind of field where your colleagues are your friends are your entire social network, but the answer is pretty simple: you have a life, or you get one if you don’t already have one. Try a hobby or activity that lets you get to know other people outside of work, like a sport or an artistic activity. Your friends from yoga or choir or whatever will also be a huge resource for you if you do wind up on your own.

      You sound like you’re having a rough time and I hope things get better for you, both at work and at home :) Good luck!

      Reply ↓
    5. Wallaby, Well I'll Be*

      These are not the only 2 jobs that exist in the world. I think you should forget about both of them, and find something else. Any job can disappear in a moment, so don’t put too much stock in the “security” you might feel in your current job.

      Any full time job that pays you so poorly that you have to take on a second job is not a dream job. It is not a job that is worth your time.

      You can do better.

      Reply ↓
      1. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

        Seconding this! You are creating a false dichotomy. Look elsewhere, look in adjacent fields, etc. You are not stuck just between these two jobs, even if it feels like it. It might seem easier to go back to a job you know you were passionate about, but you can’t eat passion. Try the third option and look for other jobs. And remember that you don’t *have* to be passionate about work if you can do things outside of work that you enjoy.

        If you are thinking that you are likely to split with your spouse, I would keep working the higher paying job and tuck savings away into a private account until you can find a different job. Make sure that you won’t just lose all your joint money if your spouse decides to leave (my mom’s ex emptied all their joint accounts and stole jewelry/gifts he’d given her). Make sure stuff that you both own is in both of your names. Etc.

        Reply ↓
  76. Bay*

    Has anyone ever been severely lowballed and forced to take a job because of circumstances? I don’t mean receiving the lower end of a salary range or just kind of below it. I mean REALLY below it. Like everyone else is making around $85K but you get paid $40K. How did it work out for you?

    Before you say it is ridiculous that companies will have such a large discrepancy, I have personally heard true stories about this multiple times. And it has happened to me personally. And if you are wondering, it did not end well.

    Reply ↓
    2. No Witty User Name*

      yes. Went from mid 70s (laid off)to a $17hr position years ago because unemployment was running out. Ive been fighting my way back to a decent /livable wage ever since. :(

      Reply ↓
  77. ClientChaos*

    Would love any advice on working with chaotic/dysfunctional teams. I am a contract staff person to a large client. The client in general has very good feelings about the work myself and my teammates do, the smaller team we support feels less positive. They have their own challenges internally, with a lack of strong team leadership, chaotic work style and us versus them mentality with anyone outside of their team, including us.

    We do our best to support them, be clear about what their expectations are and deliver on what we are asked however we keep running into situations where we are blamed for projects that were requested last minute, not well thought through, or otherwise chaotic. There’s a lot of finger pointing, bad feelings and in general, the culture is tense and strained.

    For example, one of the deliverables we have been performing is compiling data related to llama grooming. They have not been engaged in this process and have stated several times they are not interested in llama grooming and it is their lowest priority. We have been completing this task as we thought they preferred for several years without feedback from them.

    We have also been implementing a number of llama grooming improvement processes to try to improve results to general good feedback from the rest of the client. They have remained unengaged.

    They are now going through a detailed audit of their llama grooming practices, and the auditor has been asking numerous questions about their handling of llama grooming data. Since the auditor has brought such scrutiny to this process, there’s been a lot of finger pointing and accusations that we are trying to prevent them from being involved.

    This all feels pretty disheartening since we have been trying to do this work all along without any engagement from them. It’s been a few weeks since the accusations. I switched to an approach where I over-communicate about everything and give them multiple options to give input on any llama related work. They have gone back to being totally checked-out. They have not answered the detailed questions we sent them regarding the changes we should make to our data collection given auditor feedback.

    The work is great. I would prefer to stay on this team, but the day-to-day level of dysfunction is getting to me. How do we best move forward to reset and help this client and ourselves be successful long-term?

    Reply ↓
  78. Hello there!*

    Hopefully this won’t get buried

    I left a company a few years ago. I regret leaving. Over the years they have hired me for special projects. I was just offered a permanent part time position with them regarding these projects. They are willing to work around my schedule.

    Any ideas how now or in the future I could express interest in turning this into a full time job and come back?

    Reply ↓
    1. WantonSeedStitch*

      I think it’s pretty simple, really! I would probably wait for a little while so your manager can see how well things are working out in the permanent part-time role. Assuming they’re working out well, at any 1:1 meeting with your manager, you could say, “you know, I’ve really been enjoying having a permanent role here again. It’s made me realize how much I have enjoyed working here. Do you think there’s a possibility of a full time position opening up? I’d be very interested to hear about it if that’s the case.”

      Reply ↓
    2. Hlao-roo*

      I think it could be as simple as enthusiastically accepting the offer and saying something along the lines of “I’m excited to work at [company] again. I would be interested in working for [company] full-time if that makes sense for the project needs.”

      If you prefer, you could also accept now without saying anything about full-time, and then after you’ve settled into the part-time role you could ask your manager about the potential to convert the role to full-time or for you to apply to other full-time roles with the company.

      Reply ↓
  79. Searching*

    Trying to find a new job while in the middle of major project at current. Workwear for current job is just jeans and nice blouses. so if I have to do an in person interview, i have to run home to changes clothes, interview, go back home to change and then back to the office. All of that time away from this project for a job that I may or may not get is tough. (I went 3 rounds on the last one, but didn’t get the job). Staying late to make up time doesn’t help because many of the people I work with leave on time.

    Reply ↓
    2. Hlao-roo*

      This is an old post but the advice and the comments have lots of create way to change for interviews: “how to change clothes for an interview during the workday” from July 10, 2012.

      I’ll post a link in a follow-up comment but while that goes through a few highlights from the comments:

      Colette: I tend to go the “wear most of the outfit to work, add jacket en route” path. Of course, I can do that without comment because, although I work in high tech and jeans are fine, I make a point of wearing dress pants and an appropriate top a few times a week. If I were someone who (like some of my former coworkers) always wore jeans or sweats (oh, high tech), I wouldn’t be able to do that.

      Anonymous: Ah, I’ve been in that situation too and have changed in bathrooms and in my car. I usually go for the “wear part of the outfit” trick and change on the way, but that can have challenges too if you don’t commute by car and/or have nowhere to stash the rest of your outfit. These days I dress nicer for work, so I won’t look out of place in interview clothes next time I’m on a job hunt!

      Amy: I recently changed out of my interview outfit in my car while driving back to my office. (Well, at stoplights.) By the time I pulled into our office’s parking lot I was back in the outfit I’d left in and the interview suit was stashed in a bag. But then, I have a severely low level of modesty. My bra/underwear didn’t come off so as far as I’m concerned it was no worse than sitting in my car in a bikini. If anyone noticed enough to care, at least I gave them a funny story to tell their friends later.

      Reply ↓
    3. No Witty User Name*

      Can you wear a nice blouse that can be a bit dressy for jeans but not set off alarms of ‘interview’ where you can just change pants in the public bathroom (where no one can see you) and leave ?

      Reply ↓
    4. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      Could you start to wear nicer clothes to work? Like maybe one or two times a week you start wearing your nicer interview clothes.
      For an excuse you could say is that you’ve been going through your closet and realized you have all these really nice clothes that you own but never wear, so you want to start wearing them more. If you do it gradually you might not even get someone noticing. like maybe you wear an interview blouse and jacket but keep the jeans. Then a few days later you dress it up a bit more, etc.
      another excuse could be that you have something right after work. Maybe you are going to talk to a local college about your work and want to look more presentable; or you are joining a professional organization and want to look nice.

      Reply ↓
      1. Searching*

        Our building is under construction right now and I don’t want to ruin pants or shoes with dust, paint etc. Plus, I got a nail in a shoe recently from walking around the site. Had I worn dress shoes that day, I would have been going to get a tetanus shot.

        Reply ↓
    5. Kay*

      Skirt/jacket combos work really well here since it is usually pretty easy to slip your skirt on (unzipped) over your pants and take your pants off while in your car, then throw the jacket on and done. You can also find a place along the route between your work and the interview spot with a bathroom that you can use if you either don’t have a car, aren’t comfortable or need more space. I’ve found county facilities, parks, gyms, even coffee shops will work – but the best is just get flexible in your car if that is an option.

      Reply ↓
    6. allathian*

      Good luck! I’m just reading all these stories about changing in the car and going “I wasn’t flexible enough to do that in my teens, never mind my 50s…”

      Reply ↓
  80. No Witty User Name*

    What do you do when you realize you are no longer a work ‘extrovert’?
    My company got sold and I was moved into a new teapot trainer role. Kind of what I was doing (Im a teapot trainer for almost 30 years now at different organizations) in my former company but with the new organization so technically done differently.
    I used to ALWAYS deal with clients. Talking/emailing people I develop relationships with over time.
    Now? I hate the idea. Ive been put in a temp role for a few months while they get new teapot training up and running for the new team Ill be moving to and I don’t have that contact any longer and… I LIKE IT. A Lot.
    Ive realized I no longer want to work with clients and I haven’t really even started the updated role yet.
    There is no role out there for me available for me to apply to move any time soon -even in this big 30000 person company.

    I’m too poor to retire and age discrimination is very real so no one will even interview and older seagull like me.
    So… NOW WHAT?

    Reply ↓
  81. Porfolio-less ID*

    I’m an instructional designer looking for a new job. The problem is that many listings ask for a portfolio…but I don’t have one and I’m not sure how to go about building one. Are there sites that people like for creating this kind of thing? I was a technical writer in another life and have many writing samples, but they are all on paper. Anything that was once available online probably isn’t anymore, there’s stuff there from the late 90s and early 2000s.

    Complicating this, the training I create for my employer is paid for as part of the customer’s contract and isn’t available to the general public. So I can’t link to it, and I’m pretty sure company policies don’t allow me to show it/use it outside the company (but I’m trying to figure that out now). The only thing I could really show is a course I created as part of my master’s degree (I went back to in my 40s, so it’s not as old as other things). But that’s just one thing, and not really a good representation of what elearning is like anyway.

    I guess my question is mostly how do folks handle portfolios when your work isn’t available to show and/or is in dead tree format?

    Reply ↓
      1. Portfolio-less ID*

        It’s multimedia training (teaching how to use a software product) so it’s more than writing, but I’m thinking I will have to make some mock ups just to have something to show.

        Reply ↓
        1. I'm just here for the cats!!*

          Yeah, you might have to do that. Maybe you could make it very similar to what you’ve done for other companies.

          Reply ↓
    2. DisneyChannelThis*

      You should create some stuff for the purpose of being able to share it.

      I needed examples of my ability to code, my work is exclusive to work, so I made some stuff just to have for that purpose. Little tools, some improvements on existing code, some wrappers to connect output from one tool as input to another exisiting tool. Put those up on a github and made it public viewable.

      Reply ↓
      1. Portfolio-less ID*

        Yeah I am thinking that creating some examples is probably what I’m going to have to do.

        Reply ↓
    3. No Witty User Name*

      Can you take that current training and generalize it to show HOW you create instead of what the topic is?

      Reply ↓
      1. Portfolio-less ID*

        Hmm most of the training we create is a simulation of the software…so it looks like you’re using it, clicking the buttons. etc but it’s built like a powerpoint presentation. Theoretically, I could get the trial version of Adobe Captivate and create similar lessons for other software I have on my personal machine. This had not occurred to me, thank you!

        (also I realized I misspelled “portfolio” in my name, some writer I am)

        Reply ↓
    4. Shutterdoula*

      You create a portfolio web site and dummy samples to go on it. That’s the solution.
      – You scan & convert to text (or retype) your paper writing samples and put them in your online portfolio.
      – You write storyboards, facilitator guides, job aids, etc. and post them in your portfolio.
      – If you’re talking elearning, you plan and prepare several projects and then sign up for a 30 day trial of Articulate and work your butt off to develop and export your work in 30 days. Then add to your portfolio. (Don’t forget to export, because Articulate Review and Rise will disappear at the end of your trial and POOF! That work is gone. You have to export and host elsewhere or pay for a subscription)
      – If you’re talking about videos, you create instructional videos and post them to YouTube.
      Yes, it’s work. A lot of work. But it’s what you have to do to show your skills in this tough job market. You are extremely unlikely to get a job without doing a portfolio to show what you can do. You cannot just whine that you do not have one, you have to MAKE one.
      Tim Slade does monthly challenges where he provides a project brief and graphic design assets to go with them, that can be a helpful place to start if you cannot think of fake projects to do.

      Reply ↓
  82. Omelas Employee*

    My employee Linda quit two weeks ago in a rage because my supervisor said she was going to write her up for her behavior. My supervisor had to do this task because I am a temp manager and my job is ending in a week. Today Linda emailed me from her personal email saying she heard I my job was ending and good luck because, “I guess they didn’t need you anyway” and “I can’t believe you took my aggressor’s side.”

    I obviously am not going to respond to this message but am wondering if this is worth mentioning to my supervisor or not? I only think it might be relevant because we had been building a huge documentation case because Linda has threatened to sue the org multiple times.

    Reply ↓
    1. MsM*

      I’d just forward it with an “in case you want to add this to your files” note. Your supervisor, HR, and/or Legal can decide whether it’s useful or not.

      Reply ↓
  83. Drowning faculty*

    I’m a faculty advisor for a student club that needs a significant amount of fundraising to reach their goals. I’m terrible at asking for money, and so are many of my students, so we’re making and selling things, etc. To encourage buy-in by participants of the “big thing” they do each year, my students set a minimum fundraising requirement. This can be met by contributing time to the group fundraisers (designing, marketing, selling things), writing grants, or personal contributions. It seems that we’re starting to scare off people by holding firm on this fundraising requirement. Are there suggestions from people who are better at this that could help secure buy-in but not frighten college students? Or are we just asking too much?

    Reply ↓
    1. WellRed*

      How are you wording this requirement? I can well I imagine it scaring off hordes of people thinking they have to ask people for money.

      Reply ↓
    2. Colette*

      So if it’s a firm requirement, you need to be clear about why. “Every year, we deliver 1000 meals for the homeless. That costs $X, which means each member of the club is responsible for raising $X/members.”

      But having said that, have you considered other options (e.g. “you need to raise $Y or pay the difference between what you fundraised and $Y)? What about modifying your goal based on what you can raise?

      IME, selling things is not going to get you a significant amount of money. I’ve found that selling experiences is more lucrative. So evaluate what you can reasonably accomplish with the approach you are taking.

      Reply ↓
      1. Drowning faculty*

        Yeah we allow them to contribute their own money or ask mom/dad/friends/etc. In other words, we don’t care how they come up with it, but we do provide some opportunities (selling, university-wide fundraisers, etc.).

        We have considered experiences (fun workshops related to what we do, etc.), so that’s definitely a consideration. The students seem reluctant so I guess I’ll encourage them harder, lol..

        Reply ↓
    3. Nonprofit ED*

      Could you share what you say to students? If fundraising is the only way the project happens, then everyone has to know that they have to actively participate in the fundraising efforts in a meaningful way. One approach might be explaining it like a “Give or Get” policy. With non-profits boards, members are often ask to agree to a give or get where they either “give” a certain amount every year or they help “get” certain amount from another source i.e., instead of birthday gifts they ask friends and family to donate to the non-profit. If you have a pancake breakfast and the person works at the fundraiser that could contribute to their “get” they are not giving money but are giving their time to support the fundraiser or they “get” a couple of friends or family members to buy tickets to the pancake breakfast. I think if the wording is not aggressive and you are saying that all participants have to support the fundraising efforts in some way maybe the student’s won’t be scared off. Also if they have jobs even part-time jobs they could always talk with their employers to see if they have a matching gift program. If they give $50, maybe the employer will match it. If they work in fast food there might be a fundraising program for example Chipotle has fundraisers where they give 10% of sales. They could try one of those and if they know their friends eat at that restaurant anyway they could ask them to go on the day of the fundraiser and that would be their “get”.

      Reply ↓
    4. MsM*

      Do you provide any kind of guidance on how to do this stuff? Even giving people a few bullet points they can use in conversations or emails helps a lot.

      Reply ↓
      1. Drowning faculty*

        Yes! We created a whole post for them that they could copy/paste to LinkedIn or Instagram or whatever for the Day of Giving, and gave them scripts for reaching out by phone or email to alumni/family. Some still chose not to participate at all.

        Reply ↓
    5. Aggretsuko*

      I would immediately nope out of being told I have to do a minimum fundraising requirement. Admittedly, I’d rather work on some of that rather than others, and my volunteer job has kinda made me start having to shill for them, but “minimum fundraising” sounds like you’re forcing someone to hit a dollar amount.

      Reply ↓
      1. Drowning faculty*

        We are, actually. We don’t care how they do it; they can beg, they can make a phone call, they can show up to the pancake breakfast, they can have grandma give them 5 bucks. Any fundraiser (selling/asking/otherwise) gets the proceeds split up among the participants. So they could support the making of an object with design work and still get credit for that. We’re trying to make it flexible to encourage *any* participation at all. But, yeah, we have a minimum requirement because last year some people did all the work and others rode their coattails, resulting in a lot of resentment at the ones who refused to contribute.

        Reply ↓
    6. RagingADHD*

      Are the fundraising goals realistic? Is there a track record of accomplishing similar amounts? Does the club have interest or support from people who aren’t broke college students?

      Reply ↓
      1. Drowning faculty*

        That first part is slightly uncertain. We’ve accomplished similar amounts *per person* but more people are interested this year, so the amount has gone up. We are asking for some of it earlier because last year we had to take out a substantial loan from the department and we’re not quite in a position to pay it back.

        As for the last, yes. Faculty have contributed, I’m in a position to make up some, although nowhere near all of the money, and we have reached out to alumni. The club is part of a larger national organization as well that encourages entrepreneurial participation at the major conference, so we’re hoping to make additional money there. But this will be our first time.

        Reply ↓
    7. Hyaline*

      I’ll be honest…yeah, you may be scaring them off by requiring a firm commitment, especially if you require that buy-in early before students have fully felt pulled into the org on their own. I think you get buy-in and participation by fostering a sense of responsibility and excitement about the project, not requiring X or Y to be involved. Put yourself in their shoes–they can join any student clubs, and yours is basically saying “we require these minimums,” and they likely feel pressure to decide soon, and when they can easily decide “no”…that’s what they’re going to do. I get why YOU want that commitment and some sense of firm numbers, but you’re likely undercutting your goals.

      If this is a situation where, say, you’re the Opera Club and you take a trip to the Met once a year and in order to that you need to raise $X, then it might make more sense to set that up as “in order to participate in the big trip, you need to log so many hours helping fundraise.” But I’d be advising having other ways for people to be involved, and to get incorporated slowly and gain investment (“I enjoyed the monthly opera movie nights and Opera Trivia, so I got more involved.”) It may be, honestly, that the structure of the club itself is a bit of an issue (requiring all-in commitment instead of more casual involvement, or focusing too much on the Big Thing) and it might be worth thinking about what the goals of the club are and what kind of org the students want.

      There’s also potential ickiness here that students can either participate in the fundraiser OR contribute personally–that means there’s division between students who CAN contribute money and those who can’t. I would highly advise making any requirements time commitments only, with plenty of options (you can bake cookies, sell cookies at the cookie stand, make cookie sale fliers, etc).

      Reply ↓
      1. Colette*

        I disagree – some people are more able to commit time than money, and some are the opposite. A lot of students have more time available to them, but it’s not icky to allow someone to participate with the resources they have. And someone with a financially privileged life is going to have more people to sell things to, unless everything is done on campus, so it’s not going to “even” anyway.

        And, as someone who does a lot of volunteer fundraising, fundraising is hard. You can put in a lot of time & money into something that flops and takes you farther from your goal. If you can reduce the amount you need to fundraise, your life will be easier.

        Reply ↓
        1. Drowning faculty*

          Yeah, we’d love to do that. We’ve applied for and gotten a few grants, and we’re reaching out to our advisory board for industry partners. I want the students to have *some* buy-in; they’ve recommended that to me as important to them. But if that buy-in can be 10-20% of the cost instead of the whole thing, that would be amazing. Our institution does not have funds to just give us, so we’re on our own.

          Reply ↓
      2. Drowning faculty*

        Ah, I was somewhat unclear. The CLUB has no requirements. Bring your smiling face, that’s it. It’s the big trip that does. The students *do* focus a lot on the big trip (limited time, big trip has life-changing opportunities and is important in their field, and the amount of money needed for a large group to go is, to them, staggering). But I absolutely agree that they could build community better first. Our treasurer, in particular, is all about the big trip, and can be very intense.

        The time commitment is the part we’re struggling with, honestly. I can’t get them to participate even when it’s just “make one post on LinkedIn, here’s a script!”

        Reply ↓
        1. Kay*

          For what its worth – I wouldn’t do a LinkedIn post, or any other public ask for money, but I might be willing to spend a few hours here or there doing an event (say pancake breakfast or some other non salesy type thing). I think coming at it from a different angle is your best bet because I would be really turned off by what feels like a big “ask everyone for money!” type vibe.

          Reply ↓
  84. CrochetFrog*

    How do I find, and stay in, a middle ground between my two personality modes at work?

    I’ve always struggled with insecurity and anxiety, so my default personality mode at work is mostly silence. It takes a long time for me to get comfortable around people, so I tend to be as quiet as possible so I don’t say anything stupid or accidentally offend someone. When I do get comfortable with people, I struggle with being too hyper/energetic. So then I get embarrassed and go back to being silent. This leads to a lot of comments of “You’re so quiet!”. I just want to be able to be an appropriate amount of talkative, and to appear confident and at ease.

    I’m 41 years old and I started a new role last year after spending over 15 years in my previous organization. I’m a lot more confident in myself now than I was when I was younger, but it’s still a huge effort for me to not be….embarrassing. I’m not making offensive jokes or anything like that – it’s more like, I just ramble sometimes or misunderstand people when they speak. I’m not just talking about missing subtext or cues – sometimes my brain just does not seem to compute the literal words someone says. It’s worse when I’m nervous, because I then I lock up and it’s like nothing enters my brain and nothing comes out.

    I really want to succeed in this role, but I feel so stressed out trying to make sure I don’t act embarrassing or make mistakes. I feel like I can’t make mistakes because I’m the sole earner for my family, and I live in the US and times are extremely stressful. When I talk with my friends about this, the usual answers are “take time for self care” or “maybe wear makeup” or other things that aren’t exactly helpful.

    Any advice or commiseration is appreciated!

    Reply ↓
    1. Angstrom*

      Hmmmm….I try to think of levels of conversation as a pyramid, moving from brief and general to more detailed, one level at a time. So if “Tough day?” gets a response of “Brutal” you might go one level to “Mine too. The Smith report is a mess”, but not “You know how when you try to fill the customer order number field on the sales form and the cursor always jumps to the next field well I tried the Tab key and it took to me a whole other form and then….”

      Reply ↓
    2. Pomodoro Sauce*

      Oh I feel this! For me, it’s related to masked neurodiversity — lots of personal and educational confirmation that acting like myself, and acting in a way that makes me happy is likely to be socially unacceptable.

      It *does* seem to be less serious now that I’m in my 40s — people tend to be more accepting of quirks when they come with a lot of professional skills. I also lean a lot on Alison, Captain Awkward, and Miss Manner’s books for scripts to say things like “I’m sorry, I didn’t get that ” and “I think I need a few minutes — I’m a little wound up.” I also sprinkle in a lot of affirmations of other people’s plans when I’m excited/hyper about something we’re doing.

      I also focus a lot on building bonds with people who are having similar issues — usually they’re still working because they’re either very good at their job or they’ve taken over some complex process. Having a reputation for working well with other odd people smooths over a lot of my personal oddness — I work at being personable (if quiet) and can act as a bridge if needed.

      Reply ↓
    3. Hlao-roo*

      I agree with Angstrom’s idea of levels of conversation as a pyramid. It sounds to me like you bounce between “no conversation at all” to mid/high levels of the pyramid, then back to “no conversation at all.” Maybe try to spend some time at the base of the pyramid (otherwise known as small talk). Ways that can look:

      When you see someone on your way into work in the morning: “good morning!”

      When you’re in the break room getting coffee/lunch/etc. at the same time as someone else:
      “hey, how’s it going?”
      “did you have a good weekend?” (on Mondays)
      “do you have good plans for this weekend?” (on Fridays)

      When you see someone on your way out of work in the evening: “have a good night!” or “see you tomorrow!” (if it’s a coworker you see regularly)

      The great thing about small talk is that it tends to fall in predictable patterns, so you can have a “how are you?” / “good, you?” / “good” conversation without too much thought.

      I don’t know about you, but for me when I spend time making small talk with people I find it pretty natural and not stressful to move “up” the pyramid. There’s something about “I have successfully exchanged words with this person on many occasions” that soothes the “what if I mess up this social interaction!!??” part of my brain, even if those words were largely “meaningless” or shallow small talk about relaxing weekends and “wow, some weather we’re having, huh?”

      Reply ↓
      1. Hlao-roo*

        There was a great comment about how small talk is an important social bonding ritual on a previous post from commenter Tau:

        I came to terms with small talk in undergrad linguistics, when my linguistics professor mentioned that one of the theories of how language developed is that it was a replacement for grooming as a social bonding ritual among primates. Somehow, this made it make sense to me – as Alison said, what you’re communicating when you say “how are you?” isn’t “I am deeply interested in your general well-being” but “hi, I’m a human! I acknowledge you as another human! We’re members of the same nebulously-defined tribe!” And of course lack of reciprocation is going to be met with deep suspicion (are you not a member of my tribe? are you rejecting me from the tribe?!) Small talk still doesn’t always come easy and I’m still prone to literal answers to questions that weren’t meant to be taken that way, but when in doubt I imagine chimpanzees picking lice out of each other’s fur. :)

        The post was saying “how are you?” feels inauthentic to me from May 24, 2017.

        Reply ↓
      2. CrochetFrog*

        Thank you both for this idea! I definitely think “what if I mess up this social interaction?” ALL THE TIME. A lot of that comes from just how I grew up (surprise, surprise) – my family is very critical.

        I have found that I can do okay with staying at the right “pyramid” level with people I perceive to be safe – some clients we work with, I can tell that the entire group is comfortable with each other, so I don’t feel so anxious about messing up around them. But if I sense there’s a lot of internal politics or drama happening (and sometimes I’m just told about that by my own coworkers), then I get super anxious and clam up, or get rambly when I do talk.

        I guess I’m looking for a way to not be so rattled and anxious by groups of people I perceive to be unsafe, because I’m going to encounter new groups of people constantly due to the nature of my job(IT consultant), and I need to be able to handle that and stay on top of things. Taking the “anthropologist” approach of trying to view them neutrally and not let it bother me doesn’t really help, because if the client doesn’t like me – then we don’t get work. It just feels like the stakes are lot higher as a consultant than when I was on the client-side to make sure people like me and see the value in my work.

        Reply ↓
    4. Jaydee*

      So reading this, the fact that you’re nervous about making mistakes or being either “too quiet” or “too rambly” is probably making things worse. There’s no one perfect amount of communication, and TRUST ME there’s a lot of room for rambling, misunderstanding, or just being really quiet. There are also lots of different settings at work, and you’ll have different strategies for each of them, and some of them will change over time.

      Even if you don’t identify as neurodivergent, you might find reading about neurodivergent experiences masking/unmasking in the workplace helpful in finding ways to balance being your authentic (if sometimes excited and rambly) self at work with being professional and appropriate in the workplace.

      Reply ↓
    5. Mad Scientist*

      I empathize with this so much. I have ADHD, and medication helped me a lot with this type of struggle at work (and the associated anxiety it can cause). Your description of not being able to compute the words people are saying is 100% how I feel when I’m unmedicated.

      Other comments have already suggested the pyramid analogy, and my former therapist used a very similar anology of green / yellow / red zones of conversation / closeness. Green zone would be basic information like your name, job title or department, maybe what projects you’re working on. Yellow would be stuff like what city you’re from, whether or not you have kids, maybe your hobbies, etc. But it’s different for everyone what they’re comfortable sharing at each level!

      That being said, it doesn’t sound like the pyramid analogy or green/yellow/red analogy is really what you’re struggling with. It sounds more like you’re trying to find a middle ground in terms of letting your personality show, not necessarily conversation topics. And that’s a difficult balance! Personally, when I try to act super professional, I know I can come across as standoffish / aloof. But when I act more casual / natural, I worry that I come across as an idiot who can’t be taken seriously. I do find that it helps if I have the opportunity to occasionally socialize with coworkers outside of work so that they know I can be fun in the right context, and I try to lean into asking people about themselves and showing interest in their hobbies.

      Reply ↓
  85. Ann O'Nemity*

    I’m helping my intern look for full-time positions for after graduation and we keep seeing “entry-level” positions requiring 3-5 years of experience in that exact job plus a bachelor’s degree. I would love to hear from someone in talent acquisition explain what’s going on here.

    Is it really just not valuing employees, and wanting to pay less than someone is worth? But why would someone with 5 years of experience be looking at entry level jobs at all, unless they’re having performance problems?

    (I know this isn’t a new problem! I guess I’m just feeling frustrated on behalf of an amazing intern with stellar grades who is still having trouble landing something. I’m going to use my connections to help her find a side door, but I can’t help but thinking it shouldn’t be this hard for good people to find work.)

    Reply ↓
    1. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      This has been happening FOR YEARS!!! I’m not in recruiting or anything but I remember seeing this when I was in college and afterwards. I feel like its a mix of different things.
      1. 3-5 years is something they would LIKE but is not something that is REQUIRED.
      2. some companies aren’t valuing people’s worth
      3. There’s some sort of miscommunication between the hiring manager and the person who posts the job opening. They mean bachelors degree OR 3-5 years experience. But somewhere it got mixed up and they have both.
      Depending on the role and industry your intern might be able to use classwork for their experience. For example if they are applying for a writing role and they took classes that required them to write for the school newspaper and was published they could use that as experience. And they should be counting their internship.

      Reply ↓
    2. HonorBox*

      You need to have someone give you an opportunity in order to have the experience.

      Also, sometimes experience isn’t all it is cracked up to be. If you can hire someone who checks all the other boxes, you have opportunity to train them for that role specifically.

      Reply ↓
  86. Ginger Cat Lady*

    Can we just commiserate about how much it SUCKS to be job hunting in your 50s? My husband and I are both in this situation. He’s unemployed for about 6 months.
    He’s looking in his field with 25+ years of experience, I recently switched careers and earned a master’s in the new field. I’ve only found freelance contracting work since I graduated a year ago, despite searching for full time employment since about 6 months before graduation.
    He’s been looking for senior level jobs (where he was) and mid range level jobs. He keeps being told they’re looking for someone with “more experience” for the senior jobs and that they worry he’ll bolt from mid level jobs because he’ll keep looking for senior level jobs.
    Is 25+ years not enough experience? Why does he keep getting told they went with someone with “more energy” when he’s a very fit, outdoorsy person with plenty of energy?
    I keep losing out on entry level jobs because “they would expect me to be at a higher level at my age” and then they announce on Linked in they’ve hired someone in their 20s.
    I’m in a field where it’s common to have an online portfolio, and until I took a photo of me off my portfolio, I got zero interviews. Now I get one. Just one, even when the interview goes well. Feedback is always – and do I mean *always* – “you show promise and interviewed well, you’re just not a good culture fit” (when it’s not “you should be at a higher level by now”)
    We’ve both done all the tips and tricks to combat age discrimination, and they help some, but you cannot hide your age when they see you in an interview, and it always ends there.
    If you’re a hiring manager, please, for the love, don’t assume that people in their 50s are “low energy” or that it’s a red flag for an entry level role. When you do, you’re discriminating.
    We’ve both got a good 15-20 years in us!
    Anyone else going through this?

    Reply ↓
    1. Lurker*

      For him this may be ageism in play, they want someone younger who they think will be with the company longer even though realistically people move jobs every 2-3 years. For you, if they say this it’s flat out discrimination.

      Reply ↓
    2. RagingADHD*

      Yes, my husband and I went through this exactly in 2023. I went back to an admin path, got a bunch of cheap / free certificates for the latest softwares and wound up finding a 3 -6 month contract that would get me a higher level corporate title. That parlayed into another, much better job that has pay & responsibility commensurate with my experience level.

      I had to go through many different revisions of the narrative on where I was in my career and what I was looking for, and many many different revisions of my resume and linkedin profile. Recruiting is WAAAAAAY different now than it was ten or even five years ago. It’s all about keywords and checkboxes before you even get to a person. It really took me about nine months to keep working that career story and learning things about the market to help me target it better.

      My husband stayed in the same industry and deliberately stepped back three or four levels in title to an hourly job with a much larger organization than before. Not interesting, but good pay and benefits with long term stability. This is also helping him build connections within that organization, where there are jobs he would enjoy more and is constantly applying for lateral moves.

      I’d advise thinking strategically – don’t just focus on the job you want now, but also look for jobs that will get you on the chessboard in a useful way with respect to title, industry, etc.

      Reply ↓
    3. WellRed*

      Saying they want more energy is another way of saying “ we are age discriminating you” in favor of someone much younger. And if hubs has gray hair at all, forget looking fit and energetic. They won’t see it. It’s a real issue, it’s worse for women. Are you applying at “young or start up” type companies? Might you need to look somewhere, ahem, stodgier?

      Reply ↓
    4. Goldie*

      I would rather hire someone in their 50’s than someone in their 20’s.
      I read some research that in your mid-50’s and up, you might need to take a pay cut to get a job, so maybe get ok with that. Otherwise, one advantage you should have is a network which is the most important factor in getting a job. Sorry for this.

      My husband and I are both in our mid-50’s and he is in a field that has frequent layoff and tech related–tariffs are not going to help. I fully expect that he might get laid off again before he retires and might need to take a way lowering paying job to stay employed. Then think government jobs with pensions, 5 years in gets you something. I am in a better position for re-employment, but you never know.

      Reply ↓
      1. Shutterdoula*

        I’m starting all over from entry level, of course I’m expecting pay to be lower than my old field. I’m not dumb. And the mid-level jobs my husband has been applying to are also a pay cut.
        This is not news to me.

        Reply ↓
    5. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      Me! But I don’t indicate my age in any way via application or resume, so if they tried to “do the math” at most they can calculate me in very early 40s. But it still sucks and I’ve been out of work since early last summer. Fake jobs everywhere, holidays, and now this administration in the US doing extreme whackadoodle things are not helping my case. I network like a fiend, reach out to recruiters, got introductions to people who can start a marketing campaign for me locally, etc. Another factor for me is that I’m looking for a leadership role, and those are few and far between. I just had a phone screen where he (recruiter) said they got 200 applications before they had to close it early. Of those 70 were in my city and of those, he said 50 appear “possibly qualified at first glance”. And then he said it was a 5 interview process. YIKES. I find that I’ll go through to nearly the end of a process only to find out they hired internal. So yes, commiseration, no matter what you’re looking for, it sucks from every angle.

      Reply ↓
  87. Pine Tree*

    I’m starting a new job soon, and recently found out that I’ll be supervising at least one internal person who also applied for the job. I know this can be super awkward, and my new boss said they are not worried about anyone being unprofessional, but of course there may be hard feelings. New boss also said they will talk with the other internal applicants before I start about what skills, experience, etc. those team members would like to build up to be competitive in the future.

    But, anyone have any advice for me coming into a well-established team and then supervising someone who wanted your job? Please keep the horror stories to a minimum unless there’s sometime tangible I can learn from the horror story, like how to avoid that, ha ha.

    Reply ↓
    1. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

      It depends a lot on mobility at this company. If this was a once-in-10-years chance for this person to get a promotion, then you might have some issues. But if compensation goes with accomplishments, not a rigidly defined role, or if there are other forms of mobility, then this new subordinate will have other chances to grow

      Reply ↓
    2. Don't You Call Me Lady*

      I came into that exact situation at one company I was at a while ago. It worked out because I was able to give him a team lead sort of role which gave him a little extra $ and importantly some leadership experience..

      At the time he was a top performer as an individual contributor but was a little rough around the edges with some interpersonal skills which was why he didn’t get the manager role. He was self aware enough to know this though so he wasn’t surprised or overly disappointed, so it didn’t cause any awkardness.

      Hopefull you will have a similar experience!

      Reply ↓
    3. sdfwertwva*

      Having been the person who didn’t get the job and had to work with the person who did (a few times – I’m at a place where you pretty much have to have *been* at a certain level to get a new role at that level, and internal mobility is high so breaking in from the level below takes a long time)…I have made some of my best work relationships with those folks. Current supervisor included! If there are indeed ‘hard feelings’, I hope that your team member is professional enough to work past those feelings and you may well end up working well together :)

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    4. HonorBox*

      I try my best to approach anyone new by assuming the glass is full and only they can take water out of it. I don’t start at halfway and expect someone to fill the glass as we get to know one another. If you go in assuming the best, you’re likely to build a better relationship with the person (or people) who applied. Don’t question intent if they ask good questions or respectfully push back on an idea.

      I realize that trust and respect are earned, too, but if you show that you’re giving them the opportunity to be trusted because they work there and have knowledge, that will go a long way to ensuring they buy in to your leadership too.

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    5. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      I think the best thing is to not think about it or try not to let it influence how you will react to the new team. Try not to be too eager to explain why your qualified. It might make things more awkward and the others might think you are either overcompensating or showing off and think less of them.

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    6. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      This isn’t quite the same, but a colleague who had moved on to another location returned when they got the supervisor position that I had been working toward. We had been hired at the same time and had worked together for years before they left and returned. On their first day, I went over to say hello and the first thing they said was “So, do you hate me?” — in a nominally joking way, but I can’t say that I was feeling ready for that. So I said “It’s not you who made the decision.” And then they proceeded to attempt to lead the team without asking me ANYTHING about how we were doing things now or in fact actually talking to me hardly at all.
      So I’m recommending that you act like the existing team isn’t a blank slate, but in fact may have information to bring to the table. Treat the internal candidate as if they probably have good ideas.

      Reply ↓
  88. I'm just here for the cats!!*

    What are your strategies to get more movement in the day. I mostly sit at a desk all day. I’m in the reception area and so I don’t have as much freedom to leave the front desk area to go for a walk. Someone needs to be within ear shot of the front desk and to be able to answer the phone if I’m away for more than 5 minutes.

    Does anyone have any suggestions of some stretches or anything? I recently read something that you should do squats for 5 minutes every hour. That seems like a lot of squats! What do you all do besides walking at lunch?

    Reply ↓
    1. No Tribble At All*

      Can you get a sit-stand desk? I’ve found that to be helpful to get some extra wiggles in during the day.

      Reply ↓
      1. I'm just here for the cats!!*

        I do have a standing desk, and I do try and use that for parts of the day. The problem is I don’t like to just stand. and I would never be able to do a walking pad under my desk. 1. there’s not enough room and 2. I have zero coordination and I would just fall on my face :)

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        1. Academic Physics*

          Sometimes I do 1 legged squats at my standing desk, since they’re a little more discrete and keep me moving.

          Reply ↓
    4. WellRed*

      Set an alarm every hour (10:50, 11;50) and Get Up. Walk around, walk in place, stretch overhead, bend side to side…

      Reply ↓
    5. bean counter*

      Yoga with Adriene on YouTube has a video called Office Break Yoga that I like. It’s about 15 minutes long and all standing poses.

      Reply ↓
  89. JustaTech*

    How do I have a useful annual review with my not-exactly report when I know that we are both going to be disappointed with our ratings for the year?
    My organization is one of those (super annoying) “everyone gets a 3, even though the scale is 1-5” places, where each major department is given two 4s to hand out (and no 5s).
    Which means that you can bust your tail and save the day repeatedly, but if someone else also did amazing, well, only one of you is getting a 4.

    I am 99.999999% sure that my report (pseudo-report, since I’m still not actually a manager) is only going to get a 3 this year, even though she took on several essential stretch projects. I’ve tried to be as clear as possible that high ratings and a promotion are not happening for reasons that have nothing to do with performance, and I’m hoping that she has believed me.

    But I would still like our performance review to be useful – mine have always been “you know you’re doing a good job, here’s your sheet” without any discussion of specific things to work on.

    Is there any use/value to me going over some growth areas for my report, stuff that will be useful for any job and not specific to here? Or is that just going to be upsetting when there’s no getting ahead here?

    Reply ↓
    1. Parenthesis Guy*

      Can employees get promotions or are those off the table also?

      I’d mention that everyone got 3s regardless of performance and that the numbers are meaningless. Aside from that, there is definitely is value going over growth areas. Even if it’s upsetting.

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      1. National Nomad*

        Yeah, just be honest. My boss did it with me once and I so, so appreciated it (although be careful about what your company will let you say, I guess, in case she’s disgruntled and runs straight to HR repeating what you said – make sure it’s something you’d stand behind). I agree the most important thing to me is – does a 3 block her from a raise/promotion she’s hoping for or expecting? if so, you’ll have to message that in a way that’s fair and transparent. If not, that’s much easier, and you can still go through strengths/weaknesses with glowing comments without focusing on the required final score. It’ll be like my online reviews – “loved this book, changed my life, best thing I’ve read this year. Score: 3.”

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        1. JustaTech*

          So, to make it awkward, I think that one person in our group is going to get the single available 4. And everyone will agree that they’ve earned it! But it does take the easy “everyone gets a 3” off the table.

          As for promotions – ugh. At some point our policies said that you needed two 4 ratings in a row to be eligible for a promotion. But that was when we did reviews twice a year. Now it would require that you manage to secure that single elusive 4 two years in a row. Also, to make it extra not-fun for me, I have been an “acting” manager for the last year, since my boss was laid off, without promotion or raise, so hearing that promotions are off the table is painful.

          (And if I get the much reduced “manager” or even “supervisor” bonus without a raise or promotion to actually being a manager I will scream. Hopefully not at work, but I will scream.)

          Even without all the nonsense about how the ratings work I do think my report has room to grow in her role before she’s ready for a promotion, but I absolutely think she deserves a higher rating (to get a higher bonus and merit increase).

          Thankfully a lot of the “everyone gets a 3” stuff is very out in the open (thanks to my current boss) so it’s common knowledge to all.

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    2. Pocket Mouse*

      Be explicit that due to the rating policy, her rating unfortunately doesn’t reflect the value she’s brought. If you can, be honest about how the rating is used—and how much you think that sucks—and that you consider the number on the page to be wholly unrelated to the work she’s been doing. (Because it pretty much seems to be!) Detail your honest, thoughtful assessment of her work over the past year in writing – provide it as a separate sheet if it’s not already on the form. Yes, discuss areas for growth and everything else appropriate for a review. You don’t need to say the next part quite as directly, but let her know that when the time comes, any reference you give will align with your written assessment of her work.

      Also, I hope you can raise a calm stink about the promotion issue. That’s utterly ridiculous.

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  90. TheLoaf*

    I work at an organization where I was hired to be the Director of Teapot Communications, to work with the teapot makers and to share their work widely in hopes of bringing in more revenue. The teapot makers turned out to be a nightmare team, and during the entire year I worked with them, I accomplished nothing. So I was moved into my current role, which has been good but I feel like I’ve already outgrown it.

    When I say I accomplished nothing, I mean that of the dozens of projects I brought to the teapot makers over the course of a year, only one reached completion. I am talking 50-75 projects that never got off the ground. The teapot makers decided that despite my own ten years as a teapot maker, I was beneath them. It escalated all the way to an HR complaint of a hostile work environment (yes, hostile in the legal sense).

    How can I talk about my Director of Teapot Communications role on my resume or in interviews when I accomplished literally nothing?

    Reply ↓
    1. juliebulie*

      Wow, that really sucks! I guess you need to be prepared make the most out of the one project that did get off the ground. You can honestly say that the program just didn’t work out the way they had hoped, but apparently they saw something in you that was worth keeping around.

      Reply ↓
      1. TheLoaf*

        Thank you, it’s a great idea to mention the program not getting off the ground in the way we hoped. I actually sit on a different team than the teapot makers, thank god, and my skills have been put to good use there.

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    2. Generic Name*

      I had a similar experience. I applied for and got a promotion at a job I’d held for a loong time, and I hated it. And I wasn’t that good at it either, but I think I would have been more successful if the role (and entire company, ha ha) had been structured differently. I was in that role for a year, and I just didn’t put it on my resume at all. I was also a project manager at a “seller/doer” consulting firm, but I just put my job title as project manager, which was my title previous to my promotion. I was at that company for a really long time, so essentially erasing the last year didn’t really matter for me.

      Reply ↓
      1. TheLoaf*

        Thank you, I thought about just excluding it all together. However, I had been unemployed for a year before that so that would put a huge gap on my resume! I think I’ll just need another year in my current role and then I will have built up enough projects to kind of sweep the Director stuff under the rug.

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  91. is the math right ?*

    What are good strategies to protect my professional reputation ?

    A lot of work gets directed through him and distributed to me. I make a point of completing it in a timely fashion, he reviews it, and sends it out. I typically have 0 visibility with the end user, which isn’t great but not an active problem.

    The small problem is that he will sometimes tell me he has an assignment for me and wait days (even if I have time) to give me the resources / info to complete it. Or take days to review it once I’m done. Not great but it’s a small problem, not a big one.

    What gets me is that if a task is very late, or a correction needs to be submitted. those are the ONLY times he will ask me to send the content directly to the end users. This actively pisses me off. I’m not an assistant or other role where it’s obvious I’m acting on someone else’s behalf. How do I tell the end users “I’m not the one to blame for this being late, wrong, whatever”. Once in a while is no big deal but as this becomes a trend, I’m worried that it will cause professional harm.

    Reply ↓
    1. RagingADHD*

      1) Are you proactively following up on assignments that are waiting for resources or review/approval? He may need a better system to bring things top of mind.

      2) Throwing your supervisor under the bus with clients would be a lot worse for your professional reputation than being the one to send late work. If he is the client’s primary contact, he’s the one they will feel is ultimately responsible.

      3) Have you tried asking for opportunities to cultivate direct relationships with the end user? You can certainly point out that it could help eliminate bottlenecks and delays when he is busy with other things.

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      1. is the math right ?*

        1) yes – constantly.
        2) obviously, which is why I end up taking a reputation hit for delays or low quality
        3) I’ve asked and nothing further has happened.

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    2. Generic Name*

      I assume “he” is your boss? I’d just say in the body of the email, “per Boss request, here are the latest Easter egg counts”. Or you could say, “emailing on Boss’ behalf: Chocolate Bunny Report”.

      Reply ↓
  92. My Brain Sucks*

    Corporate is mandating RTO, starting with a few days a week and then full-time by summer. I’m not sure if I should start the accommodations process now, or wait and see how it goes before I bring it up. I don’t want upper management to think I’m not “on board” with RTO because I’m suddenly burning sick leave like it’s 1999,* but is it better to wait a month or two and see how it actually shakes out?

    I am severely disabled by migraines (MIDAS score consistently in the mid-twenties) in a way I wasn’t prior to 2020, but I’ve had migraines since I was a teen. On average I get 2 migraines a week, though not all strike M-F 8-5. Based on my recent migraine logs, I’ll probably burn more sick days than I’m granted each year if I go home sick for the day every time a migraine strikes during work hours. While I have a large stockpile of sick leave currently, that much use is sure to get noticed.

    I can’t say there’s anything in the office that’s a specific trigger either since I’m still getting them at home, it’s just not an environment I can control for light/sound/smell, which makes it all harder to cope with symptoms. I’m hoping to be granted flexibility to WFH when I get a migraine so I can return to work once I’m feeling well enough without like, having to drive back to the office if there’s still time left in the day. I can do my job and have been like this for years, I just don’t know if I can do it under a full RTO mandate.

    *I do disagree with their justification, but when Darth Vader alters the deal, you look for another galaxy to move to, I guess.

    Reply ↓
    1. WellRed*

      “It’s not an environment I can control for light, sound, smell and I will recover more quickly (at home, with flexibility, whatever).” That’s pretty succinct and I think migraines are understood to have various triggers (maybe that’s not your experience). Do you have reason to believe they’ll give you a hard time? Is this your first time needing to go through an accommodation process?

      Reply ↓
      1. WellRed*

        Another thought: if you are severely disabled by migraine, you may need to include your plan for getting home safely from the office. You want to go into this conversation with a well thought plan and go from there.

        Reply ↓
        1. My Brain Sucks*

          I should be able to drive home in most cases; my commute is only 10 minutes. When I have had a visual aura, I’ve just sat it out in the office until I can drive safely, with a message to my boss so he knows why I’m just sitting there doing nothing. It sucks, but I’ve had to do it a few times, even many years ago.

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      2. My Brain Sucks*

        I am suspicious – the RTO mandate is pretty sudden. Prior to covid, they were very anti-remote work. After their initial RTO attempts threatened business continuity because whole work groups fell ill, they put a stop to RTO. Even when vaccines became widely available, they didn’t mandate anything, only encouraged us with lunches to show up occasionally. They explicitly said they’d never require it; but we’re now 180 degrees from that in about a month. The tone has been very punitive, as if we’ve been naughty and all the employees who’ve chosen to be in the office are mad at those of us who aren’t there.

        There isn’t much trust between non-management and management. Generally we feel like management doesn’t really understand what we do, because they’re not really paying attention. They’re often double-booked in meetings doing… whatever it is they do. We mostly operate autonomously.

        I’ve never had to ask for an accommodation before, but I’ve seen and heard enough horror stories in my own life that I am nervous. The HR team who would likely handle this is new, and I can’t be sure they weren’t brought in to spearhead this RTO move based on the timing. I have no information from the grapevine, positive or negative, on how they handle issues.

        While I trust my boss a fair bit and feel I can be candid with him in most respects, he’s my boss, not my friend. The impression I’m getting from him is that it’s important to comply (at least initially) so eyes don’t focus on our department, since he enjoys the flexibility of WFH too.

        Reply ↓
  93. Mariposa*

    I have been job hunting since I am worried about being laid off with all the happenings in the federal government. I got a job offer which is 20k below what I make now which is already low for my industry. The director of center pretty much told me that I could not negotiate the salary because that was the pay band for that role and that if he paid me more, he’d have to pay the next person more. Is there any way to negotiate to make this a better offer? I’m honestly wondering about sticking it out at my current job because tje salary at this one is so low.

    Reply ↓
    1. Decidedly Me*

      I don’t think you’ll have luck negotiating with that one. I would keep looking for a better option.

      Reply ↓
  94. Saak*

    Need support dealing with manipulative core team. My team has been ignoring my messages, isolating me and doing things that add stress and frustration in life. At this point the stress is causing auto immune health issues so I’m resigning soon. I also want to know how to deal with this when I’m leaving. I want to create a document with all the proof I have kept of enhancing communication or discussing relevant information and they didn’t co-operate, leading to work quality being impacted. Immediate head loves team senior and has told me to initiate further, but also won’t see the proof of how intiative didn’t work with people who don’t want to reciprocate at all. is there a way I can let someone know even higher authority or something? it feels unfair that I have to leave while they stay without any consequences. I want someone maybe HR to atleast know this is happening and it has impacted my work and can happen with others again as well. any suggestions on how to communicate this? I work in school for context

    Reply ↓
    1. Colette*

      You don’t have to leave, you are choosing to leave because it’s the best option to you.

      I wouldn’t bother, honestly; leaving is a statement in itself, and you aren’t responsible for what happens after you’re not there anymore.

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    2. WellRed*

      Is there any benefit to doing this documentation? To you, especially, but after the fact? What do you hope it will accomplish? If you have anything legally actionable, that’s one thing but do you? Would you be better off just getting the fk out and away from these people? It’s unclear here whether you’ve involved HR already or other appropriate leaders. If you haven’t, that’s the place to start, or your union, but again it sounds like it may be best fir you yo get out, get healthy, get on with your life.

      Reply ↓
      1. Saak*

        The only benefit I see and want is maybe if I ever want to get hired at other branches of this organisation, this would somewhat help as it would show my “screwups” were things intentionally kept from me, even when I repeatedly aimed for clarification and better communication. I essentially want to let hiring people know that it was a team incompatibility but I loved the organisation culture and would be willing to work at different branches of it .

        Reply ↓
        1. Cordelia*

          hmm, I’m not sure it would help though. Because once you’ve left, no-one is going to put any effort into investigating your complaints and deciding whether they are valid or not. You will just be the person who resigned because they couldn’t get on with the team, and then wrote a long complaining letter afterwards; that will make it less, not more, likely that you would be hired elsewhere in the organisation.

          Reply ↓
  95. PhyllisB*

    I hope it’s not too late in the day to get a response to this. If so, I’ll try again next week.
    Before my mother died she sold her house but signed over her it over to me, my brother, and her great-granddaughter. In other words, while she was alive proceeds came to her, in a bank account where funds were deposited After her death it was for us to adminster and divide the profits. I have so. many. questions, but for this post I will limit it to just one.
    I got a letter from a company that buys the payments.
    Are these offers legit? Now I realize we wouldn’t get the full amount paid to us but do you get a reasonable amount? Are they honest? I don’t want to get into shady dealings but I would love to have this all off my hands, and I think the other two would agree if I presented it to them. Depending on what y’all tell me I’ll come back next week with other questions.
    Now to forestall the questions why didn’t get go through a realtor or an attorney or set up a trust, I tried to get her to do these things and she wouldn’t. I didn’t want any part of it but family pressure made me cave.

    Reply ↓
    1. Indolent Libertine*

      I can’t quite understand what’s happening here. Your mother sold her house and received a lump sum which is all sitting in a bank account for the three of you to divide? Or she sold her house but essentially was holding the mortgage and just getting monthly payments from the buyer?

      In any case, it’s highly likely that this proposal would be a very bad deal for the heirs, leaving you with something like half of what you’d otherwise have. I think you need a good estate lawyer yesterday, for at least an initial consultation.

      Reply ↓
    1. Six Feldspar*

      Page reloaded in the middle of typing XD

      My ideal (not realistic atm, alas) commute time is between 30-60min whether I’m driving, cycling or taking public transport and walking. It’s enough time to make a break between work life and personal life, and I can craft or listen to a podcast episode.

      Interested to hear what other people think because we all know long commutes are a drag, but I don’t think I’d ever want to live 20 minutes walk from my workplace either…

      Reply ↓

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