weekend open thread – April 5-6, 2025

by Alison Green on April 4, 2025

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Every Tom, Dick & Harry, by Elinor Lipman. Yay for a new Elinor Lipman, who I believe is the Jane Austen of our time. A woman is hired to handle the estate sale of her small town’s brothel/B&B. There’s intergenerational friendship, a romance with the chief of police, family drama, a high school reunion, and much more. (Amazon, Bookshop)

* I earn a commission if you use those links.

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{ 141 comments }

{ 141 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. old curmudgeon*

    Oh dear – is that a Collar of Shame on Wallace, or just a fashion statement? Hopefully the latter!

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    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      It could double as a fashion statement, but it is functional as well: he had to have a mast cell tumor on his ear surgically removed this week. (It’s very likely to be benign, as they apparently typically are in cats, although we’re waiting for the test results next week.) He also has a very attractive collar that looks like a slice of an orange, which he seems to enjoy and use like an airplane pillow, except that he apparently knows how to take that one off.

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        3. DJ Abbott*

          Soooo sweet! <3
          My brother and I both love cats and dogs, and I’ve been sending him a lot of your photos lately. This one of Wallace with his orange collar is one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen!

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      2. old curmudgeon*

        Fingers crossed for good news from the test results! Give the handsome boy a chin-rub for me, please!

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  2. Plaidless*

    Any recommendations for wrist/ankle weights for bird arms and chicken legs? Husband and I are both short and bony people. Price is not an issue since I’m using my fitness stipend.

    Product name is fine; you don’t have to post a URL that needs mod. TYIA!

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    1. Zephy*

      Wrist and ankle weights can put a lot of stress on what are relatively delicate joints. You would likely be better served by joining a gym with personal trainers that can teach you how to safely add resistance to your movement, if the goal is to beef up those chicken legs.

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        1. Happily Retired*

          Understand this, but I will second Zephy’s remark. You can get all sorts of weird stresses and pains from wearing wrist and ankle weights when walking or through the day. Essentially, you are asking your body to carry an unusual amount of weight at the very end or your extremities, and that is apt to throw a lot of your body mechanics out of balance.

          Maybe consider light weight barbells for arms and some sort of resistance training (stretchy bands?) for legs.

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          1. Plaidless*

            ? Nobody said anything about wearing them “through the day”. They enhance calisthenics without having to grip anything (unlike the barbells you’re recommending).

            I’ll just search what brands offer a small diameter on my own, I guess. Not sure why this group can’t just answer the question asked.

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            1. WellRed*

              As someone with a tiny frame, I say go for it. Test out some various weights in a store (sporting goods?) to see what feels comfortable and non chafing. Start smaller and work up. I’m not sure about all these comments suggesting .., fragility. Eff that!

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              1. tabloidtainted*

                They’re not suggesting fragility. Joints are delicate, that’s just a fact of life! It’s reasonable and ethical to explain when someone might unknowingly do themselves harm.

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    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      New living room furniture!! Our old sofa and loveseat were battered, springs were sprung, they were a pain to clean because of weird shaped cushions, and the liners were torn up to the point where, when we tipped them to take them out, about 20 doggy chewing bones fell out. But a new sofa and armchair were delivered this morning and I am super happy.

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    2. old curmudgeon*

      I have had an astonishing amount of fun with one of those adult coloring books (adult in complexity, not in content!) that our son’s partner gave me to help while away the time during a long convalescence from an injury. The book is called “Cat Farts,” and it is just as ridiculous as it sounds. It gives me the giggles every time I open it, and best of all, it has kept me sitting still ever since she gave it to me, so that hopefully the orthopedic surgeon won’t scold me again when I see him next week.

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    3. Possum's mom*

      Life is returning to normal for us after brain surgery last month.Accepting any good wishes for further healing.

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    4. goddessoftransitory*

      Repotting Charlotte the spider plant! She’s growing like a weed (ha) and now has lots of space–she’s very happy and putting out lots of pups/flowers.

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  4. Morning Dew*

    Do you have TV shows’ opening credits/sequence music and images that you enjoy and like?

    Mine are Touching Evil (US version) and Miss Scarlet (on PBS).

    What are yours?

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    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I really liked the opening sequence and music of Game of Thrones first season. (I didn’t care for the show and never watched anything past that so I’m not sure if or how it changed in later seasons.)

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      1. Zephy*

        The little mechanical map updated as the story progressed. I agree, the opening sequence was delightful; the rest of the show…well, it had its moments.

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        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Oh good, I was hoping it would have expanded :) I may see if I can find the later seasons’ versions on YouTube or something.

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    2. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Chuck. I think it was here that I discovered the song is Short Skirt Long Jacket by Cake.

      Special mention: My son (who is more musical than either parent) was listening to a podcast that broke down exactly why the opening to Severance is so freaky, involving minor chords.

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    3. RagingADHD*

      Anyone going to a Hands Off rally on Saturday?

      I got sick before the Presidents Day march and couldn’t go, so I’m really looking forward to this one.

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    4. Plaidless*

      I always jam out when Buffy starts. That era of rock is very dear to me, and that song is quintessential.

      I also loved the way they kept making different covers of the theme for every episode of Weeds near the end.

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      1. Dark Macadamia*

        The Buffy one is so good! and I love the periodic updates, plus the novelty different ones like for Superstar and Once More With Feeling.

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    7. Charlotte Lucas*

      The Musketeers
      Shakespeare and Hathaway
      Psych – especially when they do the episode -specific versions
      Charmed (original series)
      Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
      Agatha Raisin

      I have always loved the Gorey Masterpiece Mystery intro and wish there were a show based on that intro.

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      2. WeirdChemist*

        Loooove Psych’s! You always knew you were in for a treat when it was the longer version or one of the special covers!

        I also now have the season 1 Crazy Ex Girlfriend theme stuck in my head lol. Might need to go on another YouTube binge for some of the songs from that show….

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      4. Brevity*

        Look up the *original* theme (YouTube has it) back when it was just “Mystery!” as opposed to “Masterpiece Mystery”, in the seventies when it was hosted by Vincent Price, then Diana Rigg. My parents watched “Mystery!” without fail every Sunday night, and I loved that opening sequence. The Masterpiece Mystery theme is only a truncated version.

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    8. Chaordic One*

      Classic Sitcoms: The Mary Tyler Moore Show (You’re Gonna Make It After All); Newhart (the opening scenes were culled from leftover footage from the movie, “On Golden Pond”; The Ted Knight Show (the spinoff from “Too Close for Comfort”); and Grace Under Fire (A Perfect World).

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    9. Dark Macadamia*

      Good Omens! The intro is like an I Spy of show characters and easter eggs, but my favorite is how the end credits do themed variations of the music (so for example the episode that takes place in Scotland is played on bagpipes).

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    10. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I loved the His Dark Materials show opening credits, they were beautiful and changed every season, and I think the show has a brilliant soundtrack.

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    12. Middle Name Jane*

      Love this question!

      The Golden Girls
      The Facts of Life
      Scooby Doo, Where Are You?
      Inspector Gadget
      Mad Men
      Alias
      Maude
      Diff’rent Strokes
      The Sopranos
      Sex and the City

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    13. Audrey*

      My toddler is obsessed with Bluey and I have to say I’m not mad when the theme gets stuck in my head

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    17. AnReAr*

      The cartoon Cyber 6 had a really good opening. The openings to the three Hilda seasons are pretty good. And of course the first Pokemon theme.

      For live action things my biggest one is Psych, I never ever skip it. I rarely skip Monk’s opening, first season or the later (and better) Jungle one. Had to stop watching House but it also had a good opening.

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    18. Happily Retired*

      Two extremes, I guess:
      – Mary Tyler Moore Show
      – All the incarnations of The Wire, whose theme was “Way Down in the Hole”, with a different artist each season. My favorites were by The Blind Boys of Alabama (Season 1) and Steve Earle (Season 5.) Tom Waits wrote it, and his version was used for Season 2, but a little Tom Waits goes a looooong way with me.

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  6. Rogue Slime Mold*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    Finished Season 3 of Upload. It was fine. Oddly my favorite character is Ingrid, who could be so thin as written, but sells the hell out of every motivational speech she gives. (And should listen to herself.) She’s also the character where you don’t know where she’s going to go.

    Almost through Season 2 of Surface. I feel like the two seasons each work as a pretty decent thriller on their own, but don’t combine well? Like learning in S2 about what Sophie cared about before her memory loss, I’m perplexed what she was even doing in San Francisco before S1. And in S2, this seems a large amount of information to leave for yourself when you don’t expect to lose your memory–it’s hard to tell when she learned all this intel. And I don’t know what she wants, in terms of “And the steps she has taken would logically result in this.”

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    1. Teapot Translator*

      I couldn’t remember where I stopped watching Murdoch Mysteries, so I started from season one again. I’m waiting for all episodes (6) of Ludwig to be available in Canada so I can binge watch it.

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    2. Charlotte Lucas*

      Most recent season of All Creatures Great and Small. Great comfort watching.

      Farscape in between other things. I like it. The characters are complex, the practical effects are phenomenal, and there is definitely a sense of alienness that most SF shows don’t quite achieve.

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      1. Clara Bowe*

        Farscape is SO GOOD. I watched it in it’s initial run and while there are some questionable episodes, as a full piece it is probably one of the most narratively satisfying tv shows I have ever watched. Have a great time!!

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    3. Clara Bowe*

      I have started watching 9-1-1 on Hulu. It is both SO silly, and so casually diverse I am delighted. It is also pretty neat that after the first season, all the characters just? LIKE each other? It’s weird that the bar is that low, but eh. It is fun and silly.

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    4. Daria grace*

      I’m watching the new season of travel competition show Jetlag which is on YouTube and Nebula. It’s super fun. This time they have internet legend Tom Scott playing who is way more competitive than I expected

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      1. Tiny Clay Insects*

        Oh my gosh, I can’t believe someone else posted about Jet Lag, and so quickly after the thread was opened!

        I’d never watched any of Tom Scott’s videos before, but he’s great! I’m really enjoying how intense and anxious he gets. I think he’s my second favorite guest (after Toby Hendy, who is just the most wonderful person ever).

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    5. goddessoftransitory*

      Halfway through The Last Detective, starring Peter Davison. Always get a giggle when he’s knocking on a Tardis-blue door, and his character owns a St. Bernard that I covet.

      I want to start The Residence on Netflix soon too.

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      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Almost forgot! Truck Turner was on Screenpix and it is such fun! A really good print, and Nichelle Nichols is hilarious as the foulest-mouthed woman in LA by a mile.

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    6. Tiny Clay Insects*

      I’m rewatching old seasons of Jet Lag the Game, while watching the new episodes of Season 13 when they drop on Wednesdays.

      Jet Lag the Game was recommended to me by my teenage stepson. It’s a travel game show on YouTube, run by three 20-something guys. My husband and I were highly skeptical, but we got obsessed immediately. I recommend starting with “Tag Eur It,” their first season of tag across Europe. It’s seriously such a good show. I can’t recommend it highly enough. We even started paying for Nebula, the streaming service, because we get the episodes without ads, a week early, and also get access to their podcast.

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    7. The Dude Abides*

      Tried to keep up with Suits LA, but neither my wife nor I are into it.

      I can’t relate to any of the characters like I could to Mike, and as hard as the new ones try, they can’t capture the confidence of Harvey.

      Reply ↓
  7. WellRed*

    This one’s kinda silly but Morning Dews question reminded me. Does anyone actually enjoy chase in tv and movies? Foot chases down alleys, high speed car chases? They seem to go on forever and don’t add to the story. Don’t even get me started on the miraculous lack if traffic in cities like Boston, Chicago and LA. Maybe I just watch too many police procedurals ; )

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    1. Rogue Slime Mold*

      I often enjoy them, in the sense of “here is a fun action scene, where the person may or may not escape their pursuers.” Foot chases more than car, as the former tend to stick to real world physics more. Basically they hit “Here’s a tricky problem to solve in a creative way.”

      I liked that Michael Weston in Burn Notice religiously did his cardio. And one antagonist toying with him had him sprint between locations because that kind of exertion makes your hands shake, so he wouldn’t be able to shoot accurately.

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    2. Charlotte Lucas*

      Hate obligatory chase scenes but love fun or funny ones.

      I love how at some point most characters in The Librarians say a version of the line: “This job sure has a lot of running!”

      I enjoyed the chase scene in the final Indiana Jones movie, because it was absolutely ridiculous.

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    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I feel like action scenes in general don’t give my brain anything to “stick” to so I end up just zoning out. Occasionally if there’s some novelty aspect they’re fun, or if they’re more about suspense than action, but just fighting or cars or explosions don’t do much for me

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      1. Sloanicota*

        I definitely feel that way during the obligatory “long battle” scene in most comic book movies. There’s sometimes two of them! I am rarely rapt.

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    4. RagingADHD*

      I enjoy really well done / clever ones that make it exciting – which usually involves showing the main character making split second surprising or unusual decisions – the Bourne movies, the Italian Job, the new Mr & Mrs Smith with Donald Glover, even the original Terminator.

      If it’s just a lot of running or car manouvers, no.

      And thinking about this, it seems like scenes of the protagonist *being chased* are more exciting than ones like police procedurals where the stakes are different.

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    6. Middle Name Jane*

      In classic comedies where it’s meant to be ridiculous, like “What’s Up, Doc?” or “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.”

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    7. Chaordic One*

      Every once in a while there’s one that good, but they’re usually pretty predictable and don’t add much of anything to the show or movie. When watching police procedurals I root for the bad guys to get away. (Bonus points if they actually get away!)

      When it comes to slapstick chases my mind always defaults to “The Benny Hill Show,” and the music piece called “Yakety Sax” played by Boots Randolph.

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    8. goddessoftransitory*

      For me it depends on the structure and circumstances–padding can be spotted a mile away, and there’s tons of cliches like “If the chase is in San Francisco, there WILL be a dragon dance parade no matter what day of the year it is to run through.” If the chase is using the physical space well it can add to the tension, though.

      Reply ↓
  8. Tierrainney*

    Book recommendation

    thanks to Sara K* in a previous weekend thread that recommended Naomi Novik’s Scholomancy trilogy. I’m not sure why it resonated so strongly, but I have a new favorite.

    I got the first one from the library and read it in one day. then I requested the next 2 from the library, but realized when I had read it a second time and was about to start a third that maybe I just needed to buy my own copies.

    so if anyone has anymore recommendations with a similar style, please post them!

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    1. Rogue Slime Mold*

      I love this trilogy, and have lost count of my rereads. I bring away something new each time.

      For me it’s tied to Murderbot, because in both the protagonist already has their incredible bad ass abilities. What they don’t have is a team, and the first book is about finding that for the first time, and what that means to them. And to having their badass abilities make a much bigger impact on their environment.

      Possibly Dungeon Crawler Carl series, which is building toward forming wide teams who work together?

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    2. M&M Mom*

      I love Elinor Lipman! I have not read the new book yet, but I have it on hold at the library. The Inn at Lake Devine is my favorite.

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    4. Forensic13*

      I loved that series so much! I love characters that are justifiably crabby or cowardly or any normal human emotion in bad circumstances.

      I really love the first book by David O’Malley called The Rook for that reason. Couldn’t get into the two sequels, but the first is on my top five favorite books list.

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    5. goddessoftransitory*

      In the middle of Oranges are Not the Only Fruit, which is gorgeous and poetic, like all of Jeanette Winterson’s work. Also rereading some Shirley Jackson, who rules the short story form like no one else.

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  9. Middle Name Jane*

    Could use good wishes from the AAM community. I’m worried about my 14 year old cat, and we’ve got a vet appointment tomorrow. She gets twice yearly senior checkups, and she had good labs a couple months ago.

    But she has a history over grooming that we haven’t been able to resolve. She also has arthritis (Solensia didn’t help). She’s been clingy and just not quite herself lately. I’m doing my very best but stay guilt-ridden that we haven’t been able to fix the cause of her over grooming or effectively treat her arthritis.

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  10. Daria grace*

    I’ve started reading the book May You Have Delicious Meals by Junko Takase which seems like the kind of thing a lot of readers here might be into. It’s a short novel about food related power dynamics and drama in a Japanese office

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  11. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs.

    The most recent book that I finished this week was So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed by Jon Ronson. It’s a nonfiction book about extreme shaming in the internet age. It was alright, and I enjoyed reading the personal anecdotes, but… it felt like he was grasping for a conclusion and never really got there, and just hoped that if he kept writing and finished up the book that no one would notice. I felt dissatisfied when I finished.

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    1. Atheist Nun*

      I read and can recommend Careless People: A Cautionary Tale of Power, Greed, and Lost Idealism by Sarah Wynn-Williams. It was a great complement to The Chaos Machine by Max Fisher. Fisher’s book impressed me with its analysis of numerous studies on the ill effects of social media. Wynn-Williams’ book is gossipy in its salacious descriptions of the work environment of Facebook.

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    2. Silent E*

      I read that book a few weeks ago and I was left with the exact same impression. I did recall it again yesterday when I saw one of those “Your Speed” flashing signs on the road yesterday. I was quite curious about the book and its premise; the content was very interesting, but I was also disappointed at how it fizzled at the end. I wonder if he ran out of time/funds?

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    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I gave up on Long Bright River. I really enjoyed God of the Woods by the same author and kept hearing this one was as good or better, but was on the fence from the start because the premise wasn’t something I would’ve chosen without that context.

      Started The Wind Knows My Name for book club and haven’t gotten super into it so far but it’s fine. I also checked out Adam Ellis’s book of horror stories because I enjoy his shorter form comics and got a kick out of his Dear David social media story a few years back. I’m looking forward to reading something quick and easy!

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    4. Teacher Lady*

      This week I started reading for Arab-American Heritage Month with Huda F Are You? by Huda Fahmy (YA graphic novel) and The Wrong End of the Telescope by Rabih Alameddine (adult fiction), both of which I would enthusiastically recommend. I really enjoyed how much The Wrong End of the Telescope zoomed in on the individual characters in a fairly bleak setting – the novel is about an Arab trans woman who volunteers as a doctor for mostly-Syrian refugees in Greece during the height of the Mediterranean refugee crisis – which didn’t detract from the weight of it all, but did add an important buffer of individual human personalities and decisions that for me, at least, offered some hope. Despite the weighty subject matter, this was a book that didn’t overwhelm me with despair. (Not quite the “joy” that I requested for this month’s reading a few weeks back, but hope and light.)

      I will be starting Fencing with the King tomorrow, and probably following that up with another one of Huda Fahmy’s graphic novels, since those are fairly quick reads and next week is busy for me.

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    5. Rogue Slime Mold*

      I have fallen down the Dungeon Crawler Carl rabbit hole. Because while I don’t do MRPGs, and normally hate gore, and so I didn’t think this would be a me story (I bought it as a gift for my son), it’s a story about people who are being crapped on and only have bad choices, and stubbornly don’t give up and find ways to persevere and help each other. The game mechanics parts go a bit over my head, but the human reactions and interactions are really great and grounded. (Like Guardians of the Galaxy–it was never going to withstand scrutiny into how the spaceship works, but it’s a great story about people that resonates.)

      One of my cats bears a strong resemblance to Princess Donut in terms of self confidence.

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    6. NorthernLibearian*

      I was emotionally wrecked by Sunrise on the Reaping by Suzanne Collins. YA or not it’s great.
      Reading Revenge of the Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell, it’s good.
      Listening to Year of Living Constitutionally by A.J. Jacobs. I love his stuff, and admire his wife’s patience,

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      1. Forensic13*

        I really enjoyed Sunrise of the Reaping too! Collins isn’t a *perfect* writer, but she really gets how to write those social justice issues into the storyline without it being too preachy or generic.

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      2. A*

        My son is reading The Hunger Games for school so I re-read the original trilogy to discuss it with him. I am really glad I re-read before Sunrise on the Reaping because I was the pointing Leo meme many, many times.

        I know a lot of people are critical of Collin’s depiction of a dystopian future but this has been a really great entry point for a lot of discussion in my household.

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      3. Dark Macadamia*

        How does it compare to Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, anyone who read that one? I LOVED the original trilogy and was so disappointed with Ballad that I’m not really interested in trying the new one any time soon.

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    7. goddessoftransitory*

      In the middle of Oranges are Not the Only Fruit, which is gorgeous and poetic, like all of Jeanette Winterson’s work. Also rereading some Shirley Jackson, who rules the short story form like no one else.

      (copy/paste from another thread)

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    9. Double A*

      I’m about halfway through Robin Hobb’s Assassin’s Apprentice and really enjoying it.

      I just wrapped up my re-read of Rachel Bach’s Paradox series (Fortune’s Pawn, Honor’s Knight, Heaven’s Queen) because I loved it so much the first time and I’ve been chasing that high ever since. So I just decided to go to the source and reread it. And I’m glad to say, it totally held up and I think it’s going to be a comfort read that I return to over the years. It’s such a great balance of action and romance and the main character kicks ass. If anyone has any books to recommend in that vein, send them my way.

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  12. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing, and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    Our D&D group had a Big Important Moment this week. We managed to save the world (phew!), but there’s another, darker enemy lurking. We’ll see how that goes.

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    3. Daria grace*

      I’ve been playing Rollercoaster Tycoon 2. It’s more than 25 years old but it’s still a phenomenally well built compelling game. There’s a free open source add on pack called OpenRCT2 that fixes the bugs, adds features, allows the import of Rollercoaster Tycoon 1 scenarios and makes it work great on modern computers

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  13. Hypatia*

    Thanks for the recommendation a few weeks ago of Connie Willis books for my teenage homeschooler. He loved ” To Say Nothing of the Dog” and has started “Bellwether”. I have a couple of classics to have him read; I think “Blackout” will be his summer book. If anyone has a good suggestion for books set in the US during the 1950s or 1960s, I’d love to know them. They can be fun ones, not just heavy literature. ( To enhance his history study of Cold War America. )

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    2. Forensic13*

      In case nobody’s warned you before, I love Connie Willis, but be careful with some of her short stories especially. They can be VERY dark, not just sad but DARK.

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      2. No Tribble At All*

        +1 on vet the Connie Willis first. Doomsday book. For some reason I didn’t anticipate it would be as grim as it was. To Say Nothing of The Dog is hilarious, but Doomsday Book has no humor whatsoever.

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    3. goddessoftransitory*

      I was just talking about her above: Shirley Jackson, especially her short stories and two memoirs (Raising Demons/Life Among the Savages) have a fantastic view of “everyday” life during that time period.

      Another novel is Peyton Place, one of the first “blockbuster” novels and also a slice of life that takes a clear, long, assessing view of America. It is set earlier (the 40s) and be warned–topics like sexual assault, abortion and racial relations are very openly discussed, and not in “modern” terms (although they were incredibly progressive for the day.) It’s a fantastic book but I would definitely read it first to judge before handing it over to him.

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    4. *daha**

      He might enjoy Jerome K. Jerome’s Three Men In A Boat. To Say Nothing of the Dog contains multiple references to it, and an encounter with the characters.

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  14. Scorpion singer*

    Looking for some friendship advice on deepening a new friendship. I am in my early 30s, and I’ve become close at work with a colleague in her mid-50s. We have met up for coffee after school once and gone hiking on the weekends a few times. I’m interested in deepening our friendship so that it becomes a “real” friendship (outside of work), and she has consistently given clear signals that she enjoys my company when we hang out, so I’m thinking she would be into a deeper friendship as well.

    A few questions/areas of advice:
    – Can someone explain in a systematic or formulaic way how to deepen a friendship? I feel like it’s always framed as some kind of ‘natural’ or ‘magical’ process, but that’s not helpful to me.

    -Tips for making sure she sees me as a friend and not like one of her kids (her kids are just out of college, so I’m definitely closer in age to them than to her). How can I leverage our age gap to strengthen our friendship?

    -How do I ensure she’s comfortable with a deeper connection or more vulnerability (rather than just wanting it to stay a work friendship but being too shy to say anything)? Is it awkward to bring it up directly? I’ve been in one-sided friendships before where I shared WAAYYYY more vulnerability than the friend, and it took me way too long to realize it. I don’t want to make that mistake again.

    Thanks in advance!

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    1. Shiny Penny*

      This seemed like such a Captain Awkward question— and indeed! I just googled “Captain Awkward how to make friends” and up popped #1234 which speaks *exactly* to your question! Among many other friendship-relevant posts from her.

      I’m sure everyone here will have some great ideas, but if you have somehow missed Captain Awkward, you are in for a treat!

      (Also, that post is from November 2019, and I think I will never not be weird about those historical moments where people innocently wrote stuff like ‘2020 could be your year for expanding your socialization skills!’
      The inadvertent black humor, geez. Someone should collect those into a book. A dark, dark book…)

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    2. Cynthia*

      Vulnerability and deeper connections require trust to properly grow, so I’d start by behaving in a trustworthy way and with your friend’s best interests in mind. Are you emotionally consistent, or do you run hot and cold? When you say you’re going to do something, do you do it?
      Do you act as if you trust your friend? Do you believe her when she says something, and do you trust her to know her own life best? For example, if your friend mentions having a bad day, do you acknowledge her feelings or do you try to talk her out of them?
      Also, keep in mind that most friendships aren’t ever all that deep. It’s natural to want the kind of connection you’re looking for, but it’s not a failure or a bad friendship if it remains casual

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        I agree, I was admittedly at first a bit uncertain how to approach this question, but I think the answer lies in emotional vulnerability. We become “true” friends with someone by taking a risk and revealing something personal that could be used against us, and by having it be received warmly and handled correctly. That’s how we feel seen, I think. And of course we then repeat the favor going the other way.

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    3. A*

      I think there are some things you can do to tip the friendship cards in your favor like genuinely asking about things in her personal life, initiating activities you both enjoy, and reciprocating conversations. In a workplace friendship, I would be very sure to increase the vulnerability and contact outside of work gradually, like much slower than meeting a friend anywhere else, because you will have contact regardless of how your friendship goes.

      Something else to keep in mind: if the “systemic or formula” process you use this time doesn’t yield a friendship that might not be because the system or formula is wrong. I realize you don’t want to hear this but there is an X factor, a chemistry, that a lot of people need to have a vulnerable relationship (either friendship or romantic). For a lot of people, you can’t game out chemistry. It’s either there or it’s not. And it’s nobody’s fault if it’s not there. It just isn’t.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        There’s also nothing “wrong” with friendships that are maintained at a slightly shallower level indefinitely! Some of those friendships have brought so much joy to my life even if maybe we didn’t get Deep Connection. And occasionally I’ve been surprised by how those people ended up showing up / needing me to show up for them and we have actually become true friends later.

        Reply ↓
    4. AJB*

      I don’t have a lot of advice but I relate so much to this. I’m in a similar boat of trying to deepen surface level friendships with the parents of some of my daughter’s friends. It’s hard and weird. However, I recently extended a short notice invitation that was well received! It made me so nervous to send the text, but I’m glad I did it. So I guess my advice would just be to keep doing the stuff that feels a bit weird or scary.

      Reply ↓
  15. Teapot Translator*

    What are you listening to? Let’s hear about the podcasts, radio shows or even albums/playlists you’ve been listening to!

    Reply ↓
  16. Kate Tobakos*

    Removed because this is the non-work thread. Please feel free to post it on next Friday’s work thread! – Alison

    Reply ↓
  17. Closet Upgrade*

    I am considering switching to velvet clothes hangers, versus what I’m using now, which is a weird collection of plastic, and paper-covered wire, from the dry cleaners.

    If anyone has any experience or recommendations on brands, I’d love to hear. I’m looking at Amazon, but honestly don’t see much difference between the various brands. Are they basically all the same?

    Reply ↓
    1. Alex*

      Any time I’ve had velvet hangers, they’ve broken. The metal part comes apart from the velvet part, or the velvet arm breaks. Maybe I’ve just been unlucky but they’ve never worked out for me!

      Reply ↓
  18. Happily Retired*

    Chickennnnnns!!!!!

    We acquired three almost-8-week-old pullets (young females, think 7th-graders) four weeks ago today, and it has been a hoot! Note: we’ve been discussing this for five years and decided in the fall to pull the trigger this spring, and I am mildly miffed to be lumped with the folks buying up all the chicks in sight to get “cheap” eggs. Believe me, if you are growing them in an ethical way that optimizes their welfare, it ain’t cheap.

    Anyone else here with a backyard flock? We live within city limits, and we’re restricted (thank God) to seven max, with no roosters.

    We have a Buff Orpington, a Plymouth Barred Rock, and an Easter Egger (lays blue eggs), who looks like a hawk.

    They have become our sanity-restorers in these Unpleasant Times.

    Reply ↓
    1. Sloanicota*

      How lovely! Good luck with them all! You didn’t ask for advice and I probably don’t have to tell you this, but my experience with small, all-female flocks was … they are vulnerable to lots of predators, and since they’re so charming and lovable it can be very heartbreaking. I’m sure you’ve done your research but I’d say Safety First in everything. I had no idea there were so many ways chickens could come to grief.

      Reply ↓
    2. Double A*

      I’ve posted the last two weeks about my new backyard flock! We’re in the country so we can have roosters and there’s been some ~drama~ In ultimately an entertaining way, though it started off with blood being drawn (between the chickens). Watching the chicken politics has been an amazing reprieve from human politics.

      I’ve also been thinking about chickens for about five years and decided this would be the year! I bought the coop and as luck would have it a friend was needing to downsize so have us her excellent flock of 6, 5 hens and a rooster. All of them are different breeds and I only know the rooster is a silkie and one is an Easter Egger. I think the eggs have amortized to about $16 each so approaching competitive with the grocery store.

      Agree about it being a delight. I was a little worried I was just saddling myself with more responsibility but I kinda love everything about them, even cleaning their coop. They’re great with the kids and we’re all spending more time outside. I love working and seeing them scratching about the yard.

      Reply ↓
  19. Miss Feisty Whiskers*

    Question: does it seem to you that vets are less able to handle badly behaved patients these days? When I had my dog, it seemed like they had “tried nothing and were all out of ideas” when he was upset – but I thought nothing of it because, well, he was a bigger dog and I thought he must be out of the norm for behavior. But now I have a cat and took her in, and honestly I thought her behavior was pretty much in line with what you would expect of a cat that was first trapped in a box and then stabbed with needles. I mean, are most cats really content and calm at the vet? Surely they all have to be wrapped in a burrito etc? But the vet told me they might need her to be medicated to see her again. It’s not like she bit someone. It was like they hadn’t encountered a grumpy pet before. Am I out of touch here?

    Reply ↓
    1. Alex*

      My friend’s cat was fired from her vet for being so bad. I think some vets have a lower bad behavior tolerance than others. She now takes her to a different vet with no problem. I mean, not no problem–she is a very spicy cat!–but they deal. And her cat won’t take the medication because she isn’t food motivated at all and doesn’t reliably eat anything.

      Reply ↓
    2. ThatGirl*

      Our newer dog, who we’ve now has about a year, needed vaccines two weeks ago, and he got growly and a little snappy with the vet after the first shot. And I get that that’s not ideal, had no problem with them muzzling him. But now it’s in his file and like… he only needs that if he’s gonna be unexpectedly poked in a painful way! For a normal exam he’s pretty chill.

      Reply ↓
    3. tabloidtainted*

      Of all the cats I’ve ever had, only one is “unmanageable”—beyond even the help of a burrito—and requires mild sedation before going in to the vet if he needs even basic bloodwork. The others don’t require any burritoing, even though they certainly don’t enjoy the experience.

      Even if your cat doesn’t bite, she can injure herself or make it really difficult to get blood or urine or do a basic checkup. I’d trust the vets to know what they’re talking about.

      Reply ↓
  20. The Petson from the Resume*

    Has anyone ever experienced their iPhone’s Bluetooth going out / dying?

    In the past couple of days while playing an audiobook and podcast, my the audio got messed up like breaking up sounding like loss of radio signal. It was both with my JBL speaker and in my car so … not the speaker. Pretty sure it happened both with audiobook through Libby and a podcast so not the app or download.

    It reminds me of when my speaker gets far away from my phone, but it’s right there.

    Reply ↓
    1. Alex*

      Yeah mine does this sometimes. In my case it is often when the phone is being shaken, like if I’m jogging.

      Reply ↓
  21. goddessoftransitory*

    Fun Time question!

    What’s your favorite “common” bird to watch/have around? Mine are gulls, crows, and pigeons. I especially love seeing a flock of the last pecking around with their different patternings and thinking how they prove Mendel’s genetic theories! And watching crows outside our window at work hide food scraps in every nook and cranny.

    Reply ↓
    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      There’s a pair of mourning doves that have a nest in or near my yard and like to hang out on the railing of my deck. If they get between my woofapotamus and the door, she gets very nervous like maybe they might eat her. All 115 pounds of her. (They don’t even glance at her.)

      Reply ↓
  22. Tired Traveler*

    I’m staying with a relative I barely know for a night this weekend due to some travel issues. She’s in my grandparents’ generation and we’ve only met a couple of times, never interacted one-on-one, but now it’s going to just be the two of us Saturday night through Sunday morning. Has anyone been in a similar situation. How did you make it work?

    (I’m coming home from a conference, so I’m already run out of spoons/energy/people time… and now this.)

    Reply ↓

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