weekend free-for-all – January 7-8, 2017

by Alison Green on January 7, 2017

olive-and-eve-sleepingThis comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school. If you have a work question, you can email it to me or post it in the work-related open thread on Fridays.)

Recommendation of the week: A Woman of Independent Means, by Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey.  The entire life of one woman, told through her letters to other people as she grows up and raises a family. I recently re-read this for the first time since I was a teenager, and realized that I had missed much of the humor the first time around. It’s good.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  2. Weekend Warrior*

    Suggestions for clipping the nails of an extremely feisty tortie? So far the kitty is winning and going with an au naturel pedi but we’d like to at least clip the front nails. We got her at 1 year old and the fight was already strong.

    2. LawCat*

      Our cat is totally chill about getting nails trimmed now, but it used to be a team effort of wrapping him tightly in a towel like a cat burrito with one of us holding onto his body and the other extracting a paw from the cat burrito and clipping the nails. We sometimes had to do this multiple times to get all the nails. We did it on a bed and put a bag of his favorite treats on the bed where he could see it. He always got a treat out of the bag right after being a cat burrito. He started to chill out after months of this.

      But torties… good luck ;-)

      2. Lemon Zinger*

        The burrito method is what my parents use for my childhood cat. She’s a tortie and she fights them every single time (she can’t be bribed with treats because she doesn’t like treats… weirdo!). She’s only nine pounds but remarkably strong, so they have to use two people and burrito her tightly so she doesn’t escape.

      3. Jessesgirl72*

        Yeah, the wounds I’d get from our late tortie… she was the same about being combed. I felt bad, but our Vet had a tortie who was the same way, who she had to bring in to the clinic to get the mattes taken out and her nails trimmed, because the one vet tech had The Touch of how to hold her enough to get it done. She was about 6 months when we got her, and it was already too late to get her used to it.

      5. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Our girl kitty isn’t a fan of a pedicure, but she will calmly stand still and let you take each paw in turn.

        Dumb boy on the other hand… somehow he learned that a shake of the treat bag means hes getting his nails trimmed and now runs and hides! We tried burrito with him and that didn’t work at all = we couldn’t get him wrapped up. For the time being he is au naturel, but sometimes we will try and get the front paws one day and the back paws maybe a week later, holding him on the ground in a two person operation.

    3. Rebecca*

      If you can, tag team! One person can hold the cat by the scruff of the neck, with the cat’s butt resting on their leg, for example, while the other extends the toenails and does the clipping. It’s pretty safe that way, relatively…

    8. Harriet*

      I keep clippers handy and sometimes manage to clip the odd paw when she’s relaxed next to me…to be honest though, I take her to the vet a couple of times a year and get the nurse to clip her claws. Well worth the money, and she manages to wear them down enough herself that they only need done every 6 months.

      1. dawbs*

        This is what we do
        When DevilCat is sleeping and relaxed, I’ll get 2 or 3 nails done before he switches into his death dealer ‘why is he pointy all over?” mode. So it takes days to get them clipped, but it works.

        (and we do the claw caps. Same way. So once I finish clipping both front paws, over 2 days, it takes us 2 more to superglue on the caps. Then we don’t have to deal with them again for about 6 weeks.)

    9. Red*

      I’ve heard it’s easier if you wrap them in a blanket like a little burrito of hatred, but I just take my cat to PetSmart for her manicure. It’s like $12 and totally worth it.

      I wonder if they will give me a discount for the shameless advertising?

      1. Hibiscus*

        Willa would not do purrito burrito or holding her like a baby, but if I crouch over her while she lays on the bed and hold her down with my weight I can get at least one claw done. Cain will let me hold him like a baby and do claws.

    10. Is it Performance Art*

      Make sure she’s relaxed, trim a few, and then reward her immediately. I also recommend The Trainable Cat by John Bradshaw and Sarah Ellis. It has sections on clipping nails, getting the cat to willingly go into the cat carrier, and how to stop destructive behavior.

    11. 14 years*

      My cats like to be combed, so I’ll start with combing, then clip, then finish with combing again.

    12. fposte*

      Don’t fight her, train her :-). Desensitize her to the clippers by bringing them nearer during good stuff like treats or petting and by letting them make some clipping noises; at the same time, start including foot handling as part of petting, with extra treats if necessary.

      It’s a good idea to do the same with carriers, medication-type handling, and vet stuff, too. You will be glad down the line that you did.

      1. blackcat*

        Yes, I give excessive treats for claw-trimming. I did used to fight him and then do treats afterwards, but now there is no fight–he knows the treats are coming.

        1. fposte*

          I was reading about small-dog syndrome, where because owners can pick their dogs up and move them around they don’t always think to train them instead, and I think that’s common with cats, too. Besides, it’s kind of cool to train your cat.

          1. blackcat*

            My cat is the most food-motivated cat in the world, so he is super trainable. He will dance on his hind legs. He will bring you the toy he is playing with (calling that fetch is a bit much). He goes in his carrier for vet trips on command. He LOVES the outdoors but will wait patiently while people enter and exit the house (he is indoor+leash walks. If you put his harness on, he will run out the door).

            He is also not that bright when it comes to many things, so I think that actually helps with the training. He whines for me to take care of things that I’ve always seen other cats deal with on their own (toy under couch, opening a partially open door, etc), so he seems more reliant on me than any other cat I’ve known. As a result, it’s like he never thinks “Well, I *could* do what she’s asking. Or I could not. I think not.” like every other cat I’ve had. It takes forever to train him on something (his memory sucks), but once he’s trained, he is very well trained. He *wants* to learn what I’m trying to teach him (at least to reliably get a treat)… it just takes a while.

            (Side note: And small dog syndrome drives me bonkers. My bff has a tiny dog and she trained it *like a dog.* It is SO well behaved. It is the only tiny dog I know who doesn’t jump when greeting people–he sits at your feet and wiggles his butt until you say “Okay!” Then he jumps. Really yappy small dogs or small dogs that bite are so common.)

            1. fposte*

              A friend of mine had a border collie with the usual obsessive love of fetch but unfortunately no problem-solving skills, so if the tennis ball so much as rolled behind a table leg there’d be massive whimpers of “Human, help!” Her sheep would have died off really quickly.

        2. Sparky*

          Mine hover around waiting for treats when I clip my own nails, they associate clippers/clipping with treats so strongly. They don’t get any, which they think is unfair.

          I use regular human clippers turned 90 degrees for their nails. Neither is a tortie, though, sorry.

          1. Jessesgirl72*

            I use human clippers too, and have since it was suggested when I was a kid.

            Only one cat of the now 10 I’ve had in my lifetime has eaten treats. And that one’s favorite treats were things like cheetos and bites of donut! LOL

    13. Sibley*

      Things to try.

      1. Cat burrito.
      2. When you’re not actually trimming, play with the paws. Some cats need to get used to their paws being handled.
      3. Make sure she’s got lots of scratching posts, etc to help reduce the need to trim.
      4. try when sleepy.
      5. Don’t try to do all of it at once – it’s ok to spread over several days.

      1. Jessesgirl72*

        Our first Vet suggested sedation as the only way. That cat really was vicious if you tried to do anything she didn’t like.

    15. Bonky*

      I feel your pain. I have a cat who has to have an asthma inhaler administered once a day. I love her to death, but dear god, she’s *pointy* when she gets going.

    16. MissDisplaced*

      Daddy holds, and mommy does the clipping. It takes some patience but they eventually will get more used to it. I did see something called a Cat In The Bag, that is something like a sleeping bag for cats. It has little holes to pull the paw through for clipping.

    17. Windchime*

      I have a very docile cat, but he still fought the nail clipping for awhile. I realized that the only time I ever touched his paws was when I was clipping his nails, so I started gently touching his paws and his toes during cuddle time and pretty soon I got to the point where I could massage his toes. Now we sit in the chair and have some cuddle time, and then I start clipping. I can do both front paws before he starts to get super anxious. When he starts to pull away or whine, I tell him “no” and he lets me continue. However, I just barely snip off the sharp part because I’m afraid of hurting him. So when he goes to the vet, I have them clip all of his nails.

    18. Weekend Warrior*

      Thanks everyone for the variety of suggestions – and commiseration! Little burrito (or purrito!) of hatred really captures it!

      We have tried many techniques – wrapping, clamping, treats, PetSmart, vet, drugs (Feliway) with varying success and are currently at the give up stage. :) She’s a very strong 8lb nine year old who’s impervious to treats. I’d never heard of tortitude before her (previous cat was a mostly biddable and even trainable tabby) but she’s got it in spades! We’ve given up for now after I read that the physical power struggle is damaging to the relationship with a pet but I am reconsidering in general because we may need to get more hands on with treatments as she ages. I’m happy not to have a begging cat (and impressed with her food is fuel attitude) but we may need to ramp up the deliciousness of treats to start being able to handle her more in ways she doesn’t like.

      Thanks again!

  3. Nicole*

    Today is my birthday! Sorry, just had to get that in there. :)

    The real reason for my post, however, is to provide a puppy update. She’s three and a half months old and seems to be a pretty quick learner thanks to the liver training treats I recently purchased. Friday alone I taught her down and paw. I was impressed!

    On the so-so side, she’s getting more comfortable with new people. At first she’d run away when someone would come over. Now she will hesitantly approach and she warms up to them much quicker than even two weeks ago. I had been worried at first about socialization but that makes me feel better. Other than me she seems to prefer males over females, however.

    On the not so great side she’s still bad about wanting to bite our hands (and clothes, and feet, etc.). Is it better to ignore her or say “uh uh uh!” when she does this? Her teeth are pretty sharp now so it’s not cute anymore, especially when all I want to do is pet/cuddle her and she just wants to bite and scratch me because that’s how she likes to play. She does have toys, and I try to redirect her attention to those but sometimes she goes a little bonkers and gets especially bitey and it hurts! Please tell me this is normal and I don’t have something to be concerned about.

    1. Penny Pup*

      My family and I learned a trick from a trainer that has always helped with hand biting. If a dog bites at your hands, you shove your hands down their throat. Now that thing they put in their mouth for fun (your hands) is fighting back! It makes them gag and think twice about biting the hands that feed them. It doesn’t hurt at all, just freaks them out because it was all fun and games for them but now it’s not fun any more.

      I’ve even used it on my roommate’s cat (a lot harder since the mouth is smaller) and it works well. My dad’s new dog nibbles on my fingers every time I come to visit; the first thing I do when he does it is the shoving trick, and then he doesn’t bother with biting the rest of the day, just snuggles and plays with toys with me since he knows I won’t tolerate the biting.

      Hope that helps with the pup! It’s worked on every dog I’ve ever owned.

      1. Nicole*

        I read that too but when I do it she is not fazed in the least. Maybe because she’s small? I can’t stick my finger any further down her throat and she just keeps biting me like nothing is happening.

        1. Beaded Librarian*

          A variation on this trick that I have heard of from a trainer/kennel owner is having a sponge with vinegar on it that you hold in your hand that you squeeze when they try to bite you. Also even if she only nibbles one finger find a way to naturally work more of your hand in her mouth. That might help

      2. krfp13*

        I did this, you can also try to grab their tongue and that feels awkward to them. I always said, “Don’t bite your mother!” with an emphasis on the “don’t!” She’ll grow out of it. In my experience, it takes almost a year for the dog’s full personality to come out.

      3. and then there were 6*

        We’ve had retriever puppies, who are known to be land sharks. They are incredibly mouthy and yowza, those puppy teeth hurt. What I’ve learned is that there is no magic fix for biting. You just have to pick one method that seems to sort of work, and do it 1,000 times. Keep saying, “no bite” over and over and over. Eventually, usually about 5 months old for retrievers, they get it. But you have to be stoic and not give up, even though it seems like nothing’s working. It just takes a long time for them to learn not to bite.

        Oh, and I’ve found with retrievers that any kind of yipping or ow-ee sound just got them more excited. Little devils.

        Hang in there, and will get better.

        1. Nicole*

          Ok, that’s the part I guess that throws me – having to do it 1,000 times before she gets it yet she gets me teaching her commands so quickly.

          She’s a shih-tzu mix but she reacts the same way as the retrievers you describe!

          1. fposte*

            Training an animal not to do something is always 1000 times harder than training an animal to do something. Not only is it a habit, but usually they’re getting some kind of reward from the behavior. Play-biting is fun! Not play-biting isn’t fun at all.

    2. Turtlewings*

      Biting and scratching is how puppies play with each other, it’s perfectly normal. Fortunately there’s a built-in way to get her to stop — puppies yelp and stop playing when the other puppy actually hurts them, and so they instinctively learn not to bite (too hard, anyway). When she bites, yelp loudly and stop playing. She’ll get the idea.

        1. alex*

          Try a sharp “No” and then turn away/ignore her for a short time. I would intro “No” right away b/c otherwise you’ll be stuck with “uh uh uh” for the rest of her life!
          Also just cause you asked if the biting is normal– yes and also know that her baby teeth are going to be falling out soon, if they haven’t already, which is also normal!
          Happy birthday and enjoy that puppy!!!

          1. Nicole*

            I went back and forth with whether I should use “No” or not. I read a few articles that said “uh uh uh” was better than “No” because we use that word so much in regular dialog that it might confuse her. So now I’m not sure what to do.

            I appreciate the assurance and the heads up on the baby teeth.

            Also, thank you for the birthday wishes!

            1. Allypopx*

              The “no” is largely about tone more than the specific word. The sharp, pointed, firm “No.” is not likely to be used in conversation the same way you use it at your dog. Also raise your voice just a smidge (no need to yell at the pup) and make sure your face is serious. Dogs read facial expressions really well.

              2. Not So NewReader*

                No is a multi-purpose word that dogs really should be familiar with. I also like “leave it” which requires them to physically walk away.

                Pups are very mouthy in part because of getting in new teeth. Once the adult teeth come in they start to have more control over their actions. I had a dog with German Shepard ears- straight up like satellite dishes. As a pup I noticed some days one ear would be bend down and other days the other ear would be bend down. I was told the side with the bent ear is the side they are cutting new teeth on. I don’t know how true that is but it’s interesting. Only once have I ever found a puppy tooth and I have had five dogs. I guess they swallow them?

                Give the pup plenty of things to chew on. Chewing is also a way of getting rid of excess energy. Taking the pup for walks or having an exercise/play time might help slow down the chewing. I like having something handy to redirect the behavior as I really don’t want to be saying NO five million times a day. So I will say, “where is your toy?” and I had the pup a chewy or a toy that won’t hurt him.

                1. Amy the Rev*

                  We had two separate ‘negative’ commands for our lab- “no,” and “stop it”:

                  “No” was for things that she was never allowed to do: biting, taking food off the coffee table, disobeying a command, etc.
                  “Stop it” was for things that are in general acceptable behaviors that we wanted to stop in the moment, like barking (fine once or twice at a time, or when outside, but if she was doing it a lot indoors she’d get a firm “stop it!”, we eventually created a new separate command for that, “be quiet”), humping her bed when company was around, being an attention-you-know-what with people who don’t like dogs, etc. If she disobeyed a “stop it” command, or any other command, we’d follow up with “no”. It sounds somewhat complicated but it was a system that worked pretty well!

                  We also had a command to get her to calm down, “easy” (said in a soothing voice, obvs), and a few others aside from the typical sit/stay/paw: “go lie down,” “get your chewy (toy)”, “people food” (to stop begging), “that’ll do”(to release her from whatever the former command mightve been, like ‘wait’ or ‘sit’ etc.), “place” (to go sit on a specific rug over by the side of the room, very useful when people arrived at the house who didn’t want to be greeted by slobbery kisses and barks), and one of my favorites, “homework”, which was an accidental command that came about when my sister and I would be like ‘no I cant play I have to do homework”…eventually we could just say ‘homework’ and she’d stop nagging us and lay down at our feet with a toy to chew instead.

                  We had to put her down last month, but she gave us 13 amazingly sweet, affectionate, gentle years.

        2. Elder Dog*

          This works for me too. With very pushy puppies, put a door between you and them for a couple of minutes. Bite your very bestest friend and most wonderful toy, lose your very bestest friend and most wonderful toy. They generally learn very fast that way, but you do have to be consistant and keep at it.
          Also remember just because you taught the puppy something and he got it right off, you still have to practice it with him or he won’t retain it.

    3. Alice*

      Others have given good advice. I’m just here to reassure you that it’s normal and she’ll grow out of it. I say this because I’ve had several rescue dogs, all adopted after puppyhood, some from pretty bad backgrounds, and all of them had figured out how to play gently. If people who really shouldn’t have been raising puppies can produce adult dogs that are careful, even when they’re excited, then I’m sure you can too!

      1. Nicole*

        Appreciate the reassurance! I kept telling myself it’s normal but then doubt kept creeping in especially since this is my first dog so I have zero experience with any of this. Thank you.

        1. And then there were 6*

          And it’s no fun! Puppies are so cute you just want to hold and snuggle them- and yet every time you get near the puppy, she bites you. It’s hard not to internalize the lesson, “Stay away from the biting thing.”

    4. JHS*

      Have you tried the bitter apple spray? You can spray it on your hands or the leash. Then they taste it and think “yuck!”

      1. Anon 2017*

        My parents’ old pup would actually lick the nozzle of the bitter apple sprayer; it didn’t faze her in the slightest.

        When they switched to Tabasco, she quit nipping at things in a hurry.

      3. MashaKasha*

        We did this on our Sheltie when we first got him. He used to nip at everyone’s heels. I put on a pair of thick socks, sprayed them with the apple spray, sat on the couch and waited for him to come over and bite. I actually felt bad when he did, because he sat down and started crying. But it did stop the nipping.

    6. AlaskaKT*

      I used Ouch/Ow! instead of No with my dogs for training. I prefer it since kids are more likely to exclaim ow than no, and when I lived in town the neighborhood kids always wanted to play with my dogs and I rescued “dangerous” breeds (wolf mix, husky, chow mix, stafford terriers).

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Good one. I taught my old dog that Ow! and Oh! were not good things. This worked out so well when he met strangers as these exclamations are knee-jerk responses. The stranger using the exclamation would effectively correct my dog before I even had a chance to intervene.

        I also teach my dogs, “It’s okay.” This takes a bit for them to catch on. But after a while they realize what it means and it helps them to calm down if something upsets them. “It’s okay” is another one of those go-to responses that people seem to just use. It’s handy if the dog knows what that means.

    7. Red Reader*

      Something else that works with some dogs – get the edge of her lips in between your hand and her teeth. It’s not as much fun to chew on yourself, because that hurts! (Some dogs don’t have enough lips for that to work, I tend to keep jowly houndy dogs :) ) when my boxer mix got mouthy as a young pup, we also used to use the hand she was chewing on to grab whichever jaw was available – then “yay chewy fun” turns into “nooo don’t hold onto my (nose/chin)”. Again, works better on dogs with longer muzzles.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I had one dog that was real mouthy, worse than the other dogs. I got sick of having my hands and arms all scraped up. One day was the last straw, she got mouthy with me and I bent down, grabbed her paw and put it in my open mouth. (Not touching anything, I just put her paw there.) OH BOY her eyes got as round as saucers. She understood that one. It never dawned on her that I could bite also. After that I had a lot less problems with mouthiness.

        1. MashaKasha*

          I (very gently) bit my dog on the scruff once. Just took his scruff in my mouth when he was being especially insubordinate one day, don’t remember the details. He had the same reaction.

    9. SRB*

      Late to the game but…I have a corgi, and they are supposedly super mouthy. It took from months 2-4 to get him to totally stop mouthing, but what I did worked for him at least.

      I just did the “yelp and shun” method, with the shun being super over dramatized. One second, we’d be playing tug and grring and if he mouthed, I’d yelp REAL loud, so loud it would surprise and stun him, and I’d stand and stare at the wall like he doesn’t exist for at least a minute. Eventually I did that any time his mouth even got close and he stopped even trying. I do wonder what the neighbors thought about how loud I was “yelping”. :p

      YMMV based on what motivates your dog though. My dog is UBER play motivated. Like if there’s a choice between bacon-wrapped-steak and playing, he picks playing. So taking away social acknowledgement and play is a big “punishment” for him. If yours isn’t as into play, it may be helpful to use this strategy in addition to others mentioned.

    10. Bull Terrier in a Wig*

      The best way to deal with the nipping is the natural way – the way the mother dog, and the littermates, do it.

      Any time your puppy even just touches you with her teeth, yelp loudly! (“Yipe,” “ow!” and “At!” are all in my vocabulary.) You want to sound like she hurt you. Then you turn your back, and ignore her for a few minutes – a lifetime, to her! Depending on her breed and character, that’s anywhere from 10 seconds to two minutes.) Ignoring her means either your back turned, or something like a book or newspaper held as if your reading it. Anything that says “I am ignoring you.” Dogs are great with body language.

      If she gets hyper, and tries to make you stop ignoring her, either put her in her crate, or if you don’t have one, find a place in your house where you can shut her in that has no fun things. (And good luck with that!)
      You can make this into a training session, too. Play, nip, “ow!”, goodbye; repeat ad nauseam.

      The most important part of this is that *everybody in the house* needs to do it, too. If they don’t, she’ll stop nipping you, but… In case you haven’t figured it out yet ;-) you’re teaching her that, the second she nips, the fun stops.

    11. SusanIvanova*

      Wear goggles. My cat caught me right under my eye, luckily all I got was a black eye from it.

    13. whack on the side of the head*

      Can’t believe some of these “tips”; I’d never treat my pups roughly, sticking hands in their mouths or using bitter sprays, etc.
      When we are training service dogs, you learn early on how to use NO effectively, how to yelp out and remove the temptation by redirecting attention (usually to a better chewy). it is totally normal for them to chew – they are teething and it hurts. Part of having a young pup is getting used to pinholes in your skin (& sometimes clothes).
      Momma dogs do a good job of making sure pups know when they play too hard with her and also with siblings with a yelp, grunt, even a look.

      Handle your pup often, make sure she gets used to having her paws and muzzle touched and manipulated; joints too. Constantly introduce her to new people and other family members; encourage human contact whenever possible. Let her hear noises (vacuums, phones, barking, sirens, thunder, etc) while you are petting her (we have some noise cds that play while we give them massages) so they are comfortable with noise and associate it with calm feelings & contact with their human.

      Good luck!

  4. Allypopx*

    Bit of a health question…

    So I’ve started exercising again (put on a little holiday weight…) and I run into this problem that always stops me from exercising when I start. I suffer from a pretty acute anxiety disorder, and exercising always sets off a string of extremely frequent panic attacks. Not immediately – it’s not like a reaction to heart rate changes or anything. It’s like I’ll have a moderately intense workout and every 8-12 hours for two days I’ll have a debilitating panic attack. And since I’m trying to exercise at least every other day it becomes just a constant cycle.

    I’ve mainly been doing yoga right now. I’ll take a few runs at the punching bag too, but that’s not usually as bad. The post-yoga panic attacks have been brutal.

    Any advice? Otherwise my moods have been better, I’ve felt more productive and relaxed, and I desperately want to feel healthier. But the panic attacks are killing me. I can’t medicate them that often and it’s really impacting me.

    1. Christy*

      That sucks!! Are you on a daily anti-anxiety med? Have you tried other exercise, like running or some other pure cardio? Have you talked to a doctor? This is such a weird problem–exercise is supposed to help anxiety, dammit. I’d be really angry if my anxiety (treated with Wellbutrin) got worse instead of better when I exercised.

      1. Allypopx*

        Exercise is supposed to help and like from all accounts yoga is really supposed to help, so I thought that would be the safest bet. I’m on klonopin as needed after some bad reactions to daily meds (those reactions were, relatedly, given the suggested counter-treatment of exercise and it made them much worse). Pure cardio is just as bad and also just not a great option for me because I have not-bad-but-not-great knees. The punching bag seems to be less impactful, which is mainly cardio, so color me unable to find discernable patterns.

        My best guess is blood sugar, I have had some minor hypoglycemia issues over the years and exercising also destroys my appetite so I’m possibly not recovering quite enough nutrients, but I try to be mindful about that.

        Tis very frustrating.

        1. neverjaunty*

          “Supposed to” doesn’t mean it works for everyone, though. If yoga gives you panic attacks, don’t worry that there’s something wrong with you or you’re doing it incorrectly. It just isn’t for you for some reason and it’s absolutely reasonable for you to find something that is.

        2. Christy*

          Another suggestion (and feel free to tell me to back off, lol)… what about lifting heavy weights? It’s a hell of a workout but isn’t cardio at all. Plus, idk about you but lifting always makes me ravenous in a way that cardio doesn’t.

          1. Allypopx*

            No I appreciate the suggestion! I dunno I guess I’m trying to lose weight and tone up more than gain a lot of muscle mass? It might be worth looking into though. The other bit is that I have a yoga mat, a punching bag, some small 5lb weights I use for sort of basic lifting at home, and I don’t want to buy a gym membership, and am not sure I want to buy and store a weight set.

            But if the frustration continues I might explore that as another avenue.

            1. Christy*

              Muscle mass helps you lose weight though! And “tone” just means muscle. Plus, you feel like a total badass. Maybe try some body weight exercises. If you google bodyweight exercises nerd fitness you will get a good beginner routine.

              Plus, for me, getting stronger is so empowering.

              And I personally love my gym so I tend to encourage that avenue, even though it’s not ideal for everyone.

              1. Christy*

                Oh, but I wouldn’t read the nerd fitness website, personally. The writer really annoys me.

                Here’s his basic bodyweight workout (three sets)
                20 body weight squats
                10 push ups
                20 walking lunges
                10 dumbbell rows (using a gallon milk jug)
                15 second plank
                30 Jumping Jacks

              2. fposte*

                “And “tone” just means muscle.”

                Thank you. I really wish the “tone” myth would die. It’s not like some people’s muscles dangle around while others are crouched in waiting.

            2. Sled dog mama*

              More muscle, even a small amount, will burn more calories and help lose weight and keep it off. And if non cardio has the plus of not triggering panic attacks…

              1. Allypopx*

                Yeah I guess I meant smaller muscle mass more than bigger muscle mass by “tone”. It’s worth a try certainly!

                1. LadyKelvin*

                  If you are a girl, chances are you won’t bulk up by lifting weights. We just don’t have enough testosterone in our systems. I lift 2-3 times a week for about 6 months now and I’m toned but I haven’t bulked up in the slightest. You’ll probably slim down because muscle is denser than fat. Also, if you think it’s blood sugar, think about drinking gaterade or a protein shake while you work out instead of just water. When I run I have to eat chews about every three miles because my blood sugar will crash and I’ll cramp up.

                2. nonprofit manager*

                  If you are female, it will be nearly impossible to gain bigger muscle mass by doing body weight exercises. Females generally need to lift very heavy weights to accomplish that. I agree with the others that it’s worth a try. You will gain some muscle, which will help you burn more calories throughout the day and lose weight.

            3. Kms1025*

              It would take a massive effort over a long period of time for you to bulk up due to larger mass of muscles. Just go with more reps and relatively lighter weights. It really works.

              1. TL -*

                This! Weightlifting doesn’t mean bulky. Light weights, high reps builds tone. High weights, low reps builds muscle. In between, you’ll build some muscle and tone too.
                Getting a power lifter or bodybuilder physique is not going to happen just because you’re using weights. Anyone can do it, but it takes a serious effort with very specific diet and exercise. Runners and football players both lift to maintain physique; they just lift differently.

            4. Jessesgirl72*

              Start with lifting your own weight. There are books and videos all about that. Until you get really advanced (or thin), body weight is more than enough.

              Also, it’s a fallacy that you can really build muscle mass- especially for women!- just from weights. To get the over-muscled look, it takes steroids.

              1. Allypopx*

                Sorry for pressing a button! I was trying to state that my fitness goals weren’t super muscle focused but I think I hit a nerve and didn’t state it well. I want to be able to do three flights of stairs without getting winded more than tone muscle. Definitely not scared of looking unfeminine or bulky. But I also acknowledge my fitness understandings are relatively limited.

                1. Mephyle*

                  Sorry we jumped on you. What we were trying to say was that lifting weights will help you with your goal of being able to climb multiple flights of stairs.

            6. Connie*

              It’s VERY hard for women to build bulky muscles without specifically training for that effect. That’s just not the way our bodies naturally work. (And even men have to work pretty hard to get “ripped.”) You should never, ever let that fear get between you and lifting weights. It’s good, healthy exercise, easy to adjust to individual needs, and too many women shy away due to worries of something that almost certainly won’t happen.

              This is a bete noire of mine – when I finally took up lifting weights, I realized I’d finally found the exercise I liked & could keep up with on a regular basis. So I’m encouraging more women in particular to try it!

          2. DeadQuoteOlympics*

            Weight lifting can jack your heart rate right up, though, if that is what the trigger is for the panic attacks. It’s not cardio like sustained aerobic activity, but it’s something to consider.

        3. INTP*

          Exercise is usually very helpful for generalized anxiety, but it can be a major trigger for people with panic disorder and panic attacks. As explained in my clinical psych class (admittedly a number of years ago), people with panic disorder are often hypersensitive to their bodily sensations and signals (heart rate, temperature, etc.), and exercise causes major changes in your vital signs which can trigger the panic attacks.

          The blood sugar is also a definite possibility, I’ve read of many cases where someone was able to trace their anxiety attacks to drops in blood sugar. Can you stomach a post-workout smoothie with some protein powder or greek yogurt in it maybe?

          I wouldn’t give up on exercise entirely but definitely talk to the doctor managing your anxiety about what is going on – there might be some medication you can take before exercise that can help you prevent the panic attacks.

        4. Observer*

          As others say “supposed” is not quite as useful as it sounds. But also, if you have hypoglycemia issues, you need to deal with that. It’s not just the nutritional aspect of that, but the messing with you blood sugar levels which can have some fairly difficult effects.

          Also, have you spoken to your doctor about supplements like Vitamin B complex, and fish oil. These are not indicated for everyone, but for some people this stuff can help.

        5. WellRed*

          My first thought was blood sugar. Exercise can lower it for 24 hours after exercise, low sugar can sometines feel like anxiety.

        6. Mreasy*

          This happens to me, too, and I also have mild hypoglycemia as well as anxiety disorder. I have always thought it was a blood sugar thing, so I make myself eat something like a banana pre-workout & a meal afterward (or a protein/complex carb/fat snack). It helps, but I still have issues sometimes – and yeah, super frustrating given exercise helps with my mental state in other ways!

            1. Mreasy*

              Likewise! I have found overall that exercise & diet are really tough to figure out in terms of overall mental health, even though the conventional wisdom has them being this turnkey mental health improver. It is a journey, though. Yoga-wise, I’ve been doing some hatha routines from doyogawithme .com when I still want to stretch & lengthen but feel that the vinyasa power poses will be too aggravating. Maybe yin/hatha yoga could be an alternative to try? Good luck.

        7. C*

          It could be that you’re raising your cortisol levels too high–basically putting yourself in fight-or-flight mode. I have PTSD with severe anxiety/panic attacks and I’ve been dr.-ordered to do yoga and walk. Nothing that makes my body think I’m in fight-or-flight.

    2. Undine*

      Are there specific poses that make it worse? For example, hip openers can be very emotional. Back bends also. You don’t have to give them up, but overall, be very conservative about how far you go in yoga poses. Listen deeply to your body and emotions at the time. Better to do more smaller/lesser poses than to challenge yourself to do deep poses. Look at different kinds of yoga, like viniyoga or yin yoga. (Yin yoga could make it better or worse, depends what’s going on.)

      Eventually, you may get to a point where the panic happens at the time you are doing the pose — on one level this is horrible, but on another level, this is progress. I know you have a life and you have to function, but the panic is trying to release itself.

      Are you getting therapy or other treatment for the panic attacks? What support do you have there — online or off?

      1. Allypopx*

        I get medical treatment for panic attacks and have a really great support system for my anxiety, both at work and at home, and am given a lot of space to decompress and release and be selfish as necessary for my own self care. My anxiety is a constant part of my life but it feels well maintained, like I work with it and don’t fight it or bottle it up more than necessary to function, as you say.

        But, still, good point. I don’t know a lot about the emotional impacts of yoga and it could be specifically that. I always feel great in the moment and this happens much later, but all of my routines do involve some variation on warrior stances, which are hip openers. I’ll look into that, thanks for the insight.

        I do want to point out this happens with other forms of exercise too, however.

        1. Undine*

          Yoga is potentially a good place to explore what is happening. There can be a fine line between being empowered and being overwhelmed — sometimes the release itself triggers protection mechanisms that don’t feel safe feeling empowered, if that makes sense. It may get easier over time, but ideally you want to take it to the edge and expand yourself a little without triggering more than you want to handle. Even for the other exercise, I’d say try to see if multiple short sessions are better than one long session. If you find an approach that works, even if it’s less than you would like to be doing right now, if you are consistent with it, you will see progress, and eventually you can slowly do more. This is a long-haul game, and everything you do now, even making mistakes, will pay off.

          1. neverjaunty*

            Respectfully, I don’t think it’s a good idea to stick with something that is painful or debilitating in the hopes of finding a way to make it work eventually somehow. Yoga is an option, not an obligation.

            1. Undine*

              That’s true if there’s another alternative or if you don’t want to do it. But if all exercise causes some level of panic attack, then you have to explore different avenues to find out what can work. I certainly wouldn’t say “you MUST do yoga.” But this is someone who wants to exercise, and I’m offering suggestions that they can accept or reject as they choose.

              My personal experience with mind/body challenges is that if I go too far, it’s debilitating and counter-productive. But if I tried to avoid everything that is triggering, well, not even staying at home under the covers can save me. So it’s a fine line and up to the person involved.

              Here’s the Olympian Amy van Dyken on swimming with asthma:
              “Before I got my asthma under control with the right medicines — at age 23 — I was rushed to the hospital monthly. Finally I switched medicines and started sleeping through the night. I also got a peak flow meter (to measure lung capacity). If I was in the green, I’d go all out and do a normal swim practice. If I was in the yellow, I’d warm up really slowly, then see if it was in the green. If it was still in the yellow, the workout would be less intense. If I got to the pool and was in the red, I wouldn’t even set foot in the water.”

            2. Allypopx*

              Oh I absolutely agree, neverjaunty, but this has been a long term thing with many forms of exercise and I don’t want to give up on it, especially when the reaction seems mainly physiological and not like a physical limitation I have. Yoga might not work out, but I also don’t want to give up over a few bad experiences. I’ll never commit to anything that way.

              As Undine said, “if I tried to avoid everything that is triggering, well, not even staying at home under the covers can save me.” which I think is the perfect way to describe it. I’m looking more for how to make it manageable while I try different things.

              1. neverjaunty*

                Hey, whatever works for you, works for you. I just feel my shoulders creeping up when someone says “every time I do X it causes me a huge problem” and is told that maybe they just need to do more X, or different X, or hey, everything causes problems so might as well X… alternately, maybe set X aside, at least for now?

                1. Allypopx*

                  I hear you. I promise I’m asking in the interest of self care, not with the intent of pushing myself too hard. If I can’t find a way to do it in a way that works for me I’ll stop or take a break, I’m just not quite there yet.

        2. Christy*

          If you want to learn more about yoga (more than just the poses) at a relatively introductory level, I recommend the book Do Your Om Thing. It has really helped me to understand more of what’s happening in class and why it’s happening.

        4. Jill*

          There are also lots of do-at-home ten minute yoga videos. Maybe find some for different themes: relaxation, strength, etc etc and see what does or doesn’t trigger. This could help you narrow down what poses are your friend and what aren’t.

          I know it’s winter, but maybe long walks could be your friend here as well?

          1. Ninja*

            I’d second the daily walks suggestion. It’s good exercise, won’t get your heart rate up too much, and is free. Get a fitness tracker, set it for 10,000 steps each day, and see if that helps. (Also, get a decent pair of walking shoes!)

            1. Allypopx*

              I live in Boston so I end up walking a ton and interestingly that never bothers me. I could definitely make more of a point of that.

    3. A Signer*

      I don’t have any suggestions, but hugs if you want them. My body reacts weirdly to exercise and people just do not get it. I have a chronic pain syndrome and people kept (forcefully) recommending that I try yoga, but due to some trauma yoga makes me start sobbing in the middle of class. It’s hard when your body’s response is counterintuitive to what people expect. I hope things get better and you can find an exercise option that works for you.

      1. Undine*

        I wish you luck, too. Crying I don’t mind (unless it’s so loud it can be heard in the next county), but it can be exhausting, and you’re the one who knows your limits. (I should clarify, I mean I am the crier.) Some of it is how accepting the environment is. For a while I went to a Tai Chi class that was taught by a woman who had been badly burned — it was a very accepting place with a huge range of students, and it really helped me feel more comfortable with my reactions. Body work, like massage, can sometimes help with trauma as well as pain, but again it’s so individual, and a bad body worker can hurt you.

        1. FormerLibrarian*

          Decades ago my chiropracter sent me to a massage therapist since “I do all this great work and you pull it all out of place within 24 hours”. For the first several weeks I would find myself lying on the table with tears streaming down my face during practically every session, and not from pain or discomfort. My masseuse said this was actually pretty normal for people who have been bottling up years of emotional stress in their muscles. (I was seriously so tense that for those first sessions she was barely working on me with more than her fingertips, and she’d have to remind me to breathe!) Her explanation, which seems as good as any was that as you finally loosen the physical knots and kinks, you are also loosening the emotional pain you’ve been storing up in them, sometimes for decades. It has to go somewhere, and out it in tears is much healthier than back into new rock hard muscle knots.

          Could the issue with yoga be something similar?

          1. Allypopx*

            It could be the issue with any physical activity, really. Between adrenaline being an anxiety trigger and all the physical things a body goes through with exercise, there could be an emotional component happening to really take it over the edge. After all the body heals over time, not all at once.

            It is something to think about.

            You said for “the first several weeks” I hope that means you’re feeling better now!

            1. FormerLibrarian*

              It did get better and pretty quickly. Sadly, I think I’m starting to hold it in again judging by the reaction I’m having to very tiny doses of ativan (so I can get some sleep). At least I know what to expect, and why stuff is happening, which makes it a lot easier to deal with.

              We’ve had family drama with my parents, and I’ve been unemployed for over three years at this point. Now that I have my new shiny degree in a field where there are actually jobs (though not enough entry level, surprise) I’m really kicking off the job hunt again, and if I have to go geo bachelor, we’ll deal with it. We need the money, and we’re in a part of the country which never got out of the 2008 recession. (Our governor has finally admitted we’re back into another recession. Since almost everyone I know is under- or un- employed, the announcement was NOT a surprise.)

          2. Nic*

            Massage therapist here. If you’re interested in more information about the types of emotional releases you experienced in your early sessions, Bodymind by Ken Dychtwald is a neat place to start.

            When I was in school we learned it as emotions are rushes of neurotransmitters as a reaction to a stimulus. Not all of those neurotransmitters necessarily go to the appropriate sites, and may become locked in other areas of the body, especially if those muscles were active at the time of the emotion. Sometimes releasing longheld muscle tightness can also release those neurotransmitters back into the system.

            I’m not sure how scientific that is, but emotional responses to massage are VERY common.

      2. Allypopx*

        Thank you! I found online videos that are super beginner friendly and encourage you to know your body and respect your limits (yoga by adrienne on youtube, if anyone is interested). A class would be super overwhelming for me.

    4. PassingThrough*

      I’m not in that specific situation, but for me strength training / weightlifting greatly helps with my mood. I avoid cardio and just do work with heavy weights. I’ve been doing it for years, but if you’re just starting out, I would suggest taking a class or a few sessions with a personal trainer to get the technique down and customize the exercises for your body. There is something very satisfying, calming, and focusing in moving heavy weights (and “heavy” is relative for each person).

    5. Catface*

      How are you with dance? I can’t do yoga for various reasons, but I have a ballet workout that’s just challenging enough.

      It could be that finding a different form–to put you in a different mindset while you’re working out–could help.

    6. PhillyPretzel*

      Oh man, I am an anxious person and I know how much this must suck. You say that this has stopped you from sticking with an exercise routine before, so I wonder if this reaction would lessen after a while, if you can push through this initial suckiness for a few weeks? Like a period of desensitization. It sounds like you’re already seeing some benefits and that you have a really good handle on managing your condition, so I’d be tempted to stick it out for an initial period and then reassess, along with trying other forms of exercise, as others have suggested.

    7. Yetanotherjennifer*

      That must be rough! It doesn’t really surprise me though; mind-body connection and all. The physicality of the exercise may be dredging up emotional and anxiety stuff with you. If I’m really stressed and anxious I don’t want to exercise, not because it won’t help, but because the journey to helping dredges up emotions and crying in the gym is just not my thing. Maybe you can treat it like a muscle building exercise: start with a 5 minute walk every day and see what that gets you. If you get panic attacks, back down the time or walk less frequently. If you’re fine, then gradually increase the duration or frequency and see what happens. Or get a step counter and just try and add more steps for starters. Same with muscle building: can you do 10 squats without problem? 10 punches? You could start even easier and look for something really gentle and easy like Sit and Be Fit (exercise for seniors) or Fit2Be (online workouts designed for people with diastassis recti–split abdominal wall) or Tai Chi. Work to find your maximum exercise threshold where you don’t get panic attacks and build from there. Or better yet, build from slightly less than that so that exercising on a bad day doesn’t push you over the edge. Keep a journal and treat this scientifically to find what works for you.

      Do you think music might have something to do with it? I don’t know what your set-up is. But lots of yoga classes include music and maybe your punching bag sessions don’t. Music can also dredge up emotions so maybe exercise plus music affects you faster or differently than just exercise would. Or maybe it’s the type of music. Especially since yoga music tends to be sort of Enya-esque and that’s probably not what you’re punching to. Something to think about. Good luck!

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Are you drinking or using anything with synthetic sugars in it?

      What are you using for minerals? Do you have an electrolyte drink?

    9. not another Annie*

      I also have an anxiety disorder that is triggered by exercise. For me, the panic is generally in proportion to the ‘high’ I feel after exercising – so much so that I’m starting to negatively associate that post-exercise endorphin rush. Any exercise that gives me that high usually generates the anxiety a few hours later.
      Zumba, which I love, seems to be particularly bad (mostly because I have very poor coordination so I spend the workout laughing at my clumsiness as much as anything). I’m pretty sure it’s a neurotransmitter issue for me, stemming from that initial endorphin (and dopamine) cascade post-workout.

      I haven’t really found a solution, except that exercising in the late evening is a particularly bad idea. Since I’m not a morning person and expecting myself to exercise in the morning is setting myself up for failure…well, I’m also in a bit of a quandary. Earlier evening is the best compromise I’ve found so far, and aquatics such as aquacize seem to be ok.

      So no advice really, but I wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

      1. TL -*

        Oh aquatic exercise might be good! It’s usually designed for low-impact, low body stress.

        Also, OP, maybe look into classes/exercises for older people. They’re much more likely to be designed not to increase heart rate too much. (Tai Chi, aquatics, silver sneakers)

    10. Big City Editor*

      I have this problem, too. I have a heart condition (paroxysmal atrial tachycardia) *and* general anxiety disorder (I’m on Lexapro for this) and whenever I do heart openers in yoga, my anxiety levels kick in because my heart starts racing like crazy. See if you can avoid doing the exercises that bring you discomfort. Any other exercise is totally fine; only yoga makes me anxious.

      And could you also see if there’s an additional underlying medical issue? PAT makes your heart race and you experience the same kind of symptoms as a mild, short-lived anxiety attack. I’ve probably had PAT my entire life, but I didn’t get diagnosed until my late 30s. My cardiologist was astonished no one had noticed it before.

  5. Ask a Manager* Post author

    I have been watching The Crown and loving it, and I have a question that’s gnawing at me.

    In many episodes, when one of the main characters is on the phone, a bunch of switchboard staff members are listening in, seemingly openly. For example, when the foreign secretary insists that Churchill acknowledge how valuable he is, he tells him to say it loudly so that the people listening in are sure to hear it. Why are people listening on these calls? I have been googling for the answer and can’t find it.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Probably for record-keeping. Like how we have transcripts of every phone call made from the White House.

      I love The Crown. Tried to get my bf to join me for a re-watch, considering his love of history, but… no.

      1. Franzia Spritzer*

        That was my impression too. Monarchs have had their daily lives chronicled with exactitude for as long as we’ve had written history, I can’t imagine their phone calls would be exempt form this expectation.

    2. printrovert*

      I haven’t had a chance to watch this yet but maybe soon. I think it is because operators had to keep the lines open during the call so both parties could remain disconnected. There were some providers that provided individual service but that was more expensive than a party line.

    3. Marzipan*

      I haven’t watched The Crown at all, but the way telephone switchboard operators are often presented (both in period dramas now, and in contemporary fiction at the time they were a thing) is as nosy busybodies who were probably listening on on your conversation. As I understand it, connecting your call required the operator to physically connect it? And they could (and possibly needed to?) listen in once you’d been connected. So I would take it as being a side effect of the way the technology required human intervention to work (and, the way human nature can’t help but listen in). In The Midwich Cuckoos, for example, there’s definitely a whole thing about how the village postmistress is sure to be listening in to calls…

      2. Connie-Lynne*

        I worked as a switchboard operator in my youth, and, yes, you could listen in on calls. There was no need to, but if you wanted to ensure a connection had been made, you could listen, hear both parties begin speaking to each other, and then disconnect.

    4. aaaaaaaanon*

      I thought I’d love The Crown because I generally like period pieces, but I was pretty bored through most of it. But I think that’s because there’s only so much I can take about privileged white people whining about how hard their situation is, and I don’t really understand the point of a monarchy in this day and age.

      The blase attitude towards British Imperialism also made me really uncomfortable. I know you can’t portray modern approaches in a period piece, but the way they handled it left me very unsettled.

      I did have the same thought about the phones, though.

      1. DragoCucina*

        What struck me was how little power the Royal Family had over their own lives. Elizabeth had to be firm about marrying Philip. Then her own sister wasn’t allowed to marry the person she wanted. The lack of general education in preparation to be queen. She was smart enough to recognize what she didn’t know. I found the scene where she is reminded that she’s had more education on the constitution than anyone else interesting.

        1. J*

          A bit late to this, but I believe that’s still the case re: marriages. I read recently where I think it’s the next 8 in line to the throne need any marriages approved by the Queen (probably the royal family as a whole, but the Queen officially). As of now that means Beatrice and Eugenie would need QEII’s approval in their desired spouse.

      2. Lemon Zinger*

        I felt the same way about the series. I much preferred Victoria over The Crown. Elizabeth and Philip aren’t very sympathetic characters.

        1. aaaaaaaanon*

          I didn’t really find anyone sympathetic overall. There were moments for each of them I sympathized with, but as a whole I found all of them to be almost….annoying? I can’t put my finger on the word exactly, but I just didn’t really care about them by the finale.

          I think Jared Harris’ portrayal of King George was the best, though. He was the shining star of the series for me.

      3. Mephyle*

        I found it very educational (including looking up articles on which parts were fiction and which parts were real). I haven’t found it necessary to like the characters or to be convinced of the point of monarchy to find it interesting.

        I was surprised to learn that the version I had long believed of Princess Margaret’s broken romance was not true. I had thought that the Queen didn’t support her marrying Group Captain Townsend, and that the reason the princess ended up not marrying him was because they forbade her. When the show gave a different version, I looked it up and found that the version I had learned from the news at the time was not true; that things happened basically as portrayed in The Crown.

    5. Ruffingit*

      I found this information about switchboard calls, possibly this is the reason?

      “Operators had to listen in on conversations, at least intermittently, so they knew when it ended so it could be disconnected. This was especially important for long distance calls. (If the call was especially interesting, we may have listened longer). Toll calls were recorded on yellow tickets by the operator, listing the start time, date, operator number, calling from, calling to, and the stop time. The operator then calculated the charge according to a chart. If I wasn’t aware of when the conversation ended they would get charged too much, so I had to check in frequently. There was also a box to place comments. This was there to indicate if I thought someone was using the phone who shouldn’t be, like a child. Then there would be a record of it and I would be in the clear. It cost 23 cents to Harrisburg and 17 cents to Selinsgrove for a 5 minute call. A person-to-person call was 3 minutes for about the same price.”

        1. Ruffingit*

          Oh sorry I’m not a local reader. I’m in Houston actually. This is just something I found on the net :)

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Yes, this.
        Call switching/connecting was done manually. Take the plug out of a port, put a plug in another port and so on.

        Even for regular people, one had to assume that a nosy operator was listening to the call. BUT. In those days receiving or making a call was a bfd. Family would gather around the caller as the caller spoke to another family member long distance.

    6. AdAgencyChick*

      I love it because:

      1) I had no idea that the British monarch actually does participate, if to a limited extent, in decisions of state. I thought the monarchy was *completely* for show at this point. I realize this is fictionalized history, not a documentary, but it’s quite interesting to see how and when a monarch might actually assert power. (Even though I don’t believe in the institution!)
      2) OH MY GOD THE COSTUMES.

    7. Juli G.*

      I’m digging The Crown too. My whole life, Elizabeth has been an “old lady”. It’s fascinating to see her as a young woman.

    8. Nic*

      I had the same question, and am glad you asked! (And that the awesome folks in thread had an answer for it.) It was that specific scene, too.

    9. nonprofit manager*

      I also love The Crown and will probably watch it again over the summer before Season 2 comes out.

      I am not sure if this is the actual answer to the question, but based on things I have read previously from that time period and earlier, telephones worked much differently that today and were not strictly private. Many people listened in on conversations for entertainment purposes. Private conversations needed to happen in person. Not sure that’s the reason for this, it seems there is probably a functional reason having to do with clearing lines, but I suspect entertainment was part of it.

  6. WeightLoss Question*

    I am a little overweight. Not obese by any stretch but I would say I’m 25-35 pounds heavier than I want to be. This number does not come out of thin air but from my doctor; I have fragile and delicate bones so having too much weight means it’s a lot easier for me to break bones and likely give me early arthritis. So I do also have a legit medical concern for losing weight.

    My friends are very supportive and want me to be happy and healthy. However, I’m finding a few friends who seem to be against my weight loss. Anytime my weight loss comes up, they immediately say ‘But you’re beautiful just the way you are! You don’t need to change as long as you’re happy!’ Which is a lovely sentiment but I have explained to them why I do need to do this. However they refuse to accept these explanations and just keep telling me I don’t need to lose weight.

    We are all female so I think these friends are very aggressive against the societal norms of female beauty (stick figure thin and all that) but they know that’s not why I’m doing this, that there are medical reasons behind it. Plus even if it was, I’m not trying to get that thin; it would just be nice to go from 16/18 in pants to 12/14.

    It got even weirder this last week. One of these friends, who I haven’t seen in a while because we’ve both been busy with separate holiday things, posted an inspirational photo message she found directly to my Facebook. It said something to the effect of ‘One day I decided I was beautiful, and I looked in the mirror to see that it was true all along.’ She posted that directly to my Facebook wall so I know this is directly in relation to her thinking I don’t need to lose weight. I actually got a little mad when I saw it, and nearly deleted it, since the post is there for all to see.

    Again, I know all my friends want the best for me and even these few think they’re being supportive. It’s just weird that their support is trying to talk me out of it. Has anyone else had to deal with friends like this when working on weight loss? And how do you get them to stop the comments/understand that your decisions are your own?

    1. Christy*

      Oh that’s so weird! Friends are supposed to be supportive. Whenever my friends aren’t supportive on a particular topic, we basically explicitly agree not to talk about that topic with each other. It’s all we can do.

    2. Mazzy*

      The thing I never get about comments like this is that in most situations, women are told they have excellent instincts and to trust your instincts, trust your instincts. Gift of Fear, and all of that. Then when it comes to specific points like this, your instinct to lose weight has no meaning. Maybe your body or brain is sending you a message for whatever reason that it would prefer to be this way, not that. Not everything is social programming. And despite all of the talk about unrealistic body expectations, obesity is a huge problem especially in certain areas of the country. It’s not something to just dismiss.

    3. Allypopx*

      I think there’s a cultural movement surrounding body positivity that, while well intentioned, can go too way far and be harmful in this regard. Any conversation around “I want to change my body” is perceived as insecurity and a cry for help, even if it’s not. I see this a lot on certain factions of the internet regarding mental health as well. Embracing it is better than treating it and letting someone convince you something’s wrong with you.

      I would personally approach it by addressing their fears first. “I love my body, and I am perfectly happy with my appearance” (honestly I would say this whether it’s true or not because it’s what they’re hyperfocused on) “What I’m working on right now is my health, which will improve my life in a lot of ways that have nothing to do with my looks. It would be really helpful if you would be supportive of my goals instead of trying to talk me out of them.”

      And if they don’t, leave it, make it a topic they aren’t looped in on. Don’t talk about it, if they bring it up say “I’d prefer not to discuss my weight/diet/choices” calmly, firmly, and repeatedly, until they back off.

      It’s such a touchy subject nowadays. But it’s great that you’re taking steps to make yourself feel better and healthier. Negativity will always make reaching your goals harder, so put up a wall to block it out where you can. Good luck!

      1. matcha123*

        I agree with this. There were a few times when I was younger that I would tell friends that they were fine just as they were. I thought that I was being supportive and helping them to realize that they didn’t need to force themselves into some image. However, as time has passed, I’ve realized that it’s a lot better to just offer some encouragement. The other day, a friend of mine said that she thought her skin was bad, I thought her skin was great and told her so. Then I asked about her skin care routine and any discoveries she’s made. Unless the person is doing something very dangerous, it’s not my place to stop them. What is to be gained from that?

    4. A Signer*

      It’s possible that they don’t want to talk about weight loss but don’t know how to just say that to you. I’m not a fan of talking about diets and calories and fat burning, but I’ll usually just be direct about it with friends and coworkers. Is it possible that your friends are dealing with disordered eating or other body image issues that might be activated by talking about weight loss? You should obviously do what’s best for you and your health, but these friends might not be the right people to be a good support system for that. Do you have other friends that would be open to discussing this and cheering you on?

      1. E.R*

        Hmm yeah. I have a friend who wants to lose weight, and I want to support her but I find discussing body and food issues reminds me of when I was younger and obsessed over that kind of thing (which was mostly a waste of precious time and energy for me). But I want to support her and be a good listener and help her work through her stuff without those uncomfortable memories of wasted self-hatred. For me, running outdoors, playing sports again and eating whole foods and learning to be kind of myself was the perfect antidote but I know things that work for me may not work for her, and I dont want to be preachy. So, I listen and feel uncomfortable and honestly kind of stressed out by it.

        If WeightLoss or anyone else has examples of how to be supportive in a helpful way I would love to hear them.

    5. nep*

      You probably won’t ever be able to stop all comments that go contrary to your health goals — so best to just let them float out there, not pressing your buttons or sabotaging you in the slightest. Perhaps easier said than done, but it can be quite effective and empowering. It’s true that it would be more respectful to support you in every way you need, but sometimes we can’t know exactly what motivates people to say what they say. Your greatest power in such situations is deciding how (or whether) to react. Mind, I’m not dismissing your dilemma — I can see how it could be difficult.
      You know what’s right for you and your health — go with that, own it, and let others deal with their own reactions or projections. All the best.

      1. WeightLoss Question*

        It’s not something I’m constantly bringing up, it just always seems to come up with the people who will make those comments. One of my friends is a fashion/costume designer and her Christmas gift to me was fabrics with the promise of making for me a particular outfit I’ve really wanted. She asked when I thought we could do it (there’s no time limit for it on her part or mine, I know that so her comments aren’t because I threw off her expectations). I answered that in a couple months when I had my weight a little better in hand and she made the comment that I’m fine the way I am.

        Another friend, we were discussing recent doctors appointments, where I said that my doctor said I was healthy other than my weight. Friend basically said ‘What does your doctor know? You don’t need to loose weight.’

        It’s definitely not a topic I am constantly discussing, I keep it to myself. But whenever it does happen, those supportive yet unsupportive comments fly up from two or three very outspoken friends.

        1. neverjaunty*

          In that case, you can tell them thanks but they’ve already made their feelings pretty clear on the subject.

        2. DragoCucina*

          You can set your Facebook page that you have to approve anything that shows on your page. Your friend will see it, but it won’t be in your newsfeed. I had to do this to prevent the same book/library meme to be posted 20 times on my newsfeed.

          You have the right not to discuss your weight. The doctor comment isn’t totally crazy. I had an obstetrician who had lost a great deal of weight and was so fixated on weightloss for her patients it actually interfered with my care. I was exactly where I was supposed to be weight wise.

          1. Observer*

            Oh, Come on! Your OB was clearly out of line – and probably essentially engaged in malpractice. But that’s not a good reason to just dismiss anything any doctor says about the matter to anyone with “what does the doctor know?” WieghtLoss makes it clear that her doctor has specific concerns about her due to her specific situation. It would be fairly foolish to brush it off because some doctors don’t know where to stop.

            1. DragoCucina*

              I didn’t say she should ignore her doctor. A patient must be their own advocate. Its not unusual or inappropriate to question your physician. My husband is a retired CRNA and taught anesthesia to many MDAs. I can attest that many doctors roll their eyes at each other professionally. In one situation we asked 4 different doctors for diagnoses for one of our sons and received 3 different answers. Fortunately we went with the correct one. Doctors are not infallible and often let their personal agendas drive their decisions.

              1. Observer*

                I know that – but that doesn’t make a broad brush “what does your doctor know” at all reasonable. It’s rude and crazy in the context.

              2. Mike C.*

                But this sort of thing leads to folks completely ignoring experts, turning to pseudoscience and so on. I don’t think you’re going down this road but too many do and it’s incredibly harmful.

                Asking questions is great, but too many people believe that means “I can do my own research on Google and what the hell do they know anyway”. Even if these experts are arrogant jerks, they still have the years of education, experience, training and certifications that lay people lack.

        3. LadyKelvin*

          “What does your doctor know?”
          Um a lot more about your health than your friends. And you should tell them that. You could say it politely but I tend to be a bit brusque when people say something I think is crazy without warning. You do what you need to do to be healthy and screw your friends’ opinions. I know when I mentioned I was trying to lose weight by working out more and cutting out sweets several of my friends told me that gaining weight was part of getting older (I’m 120 lbs and 5’2″ so not technically overweight) and I responded that I had gained 10 pounds in the last 6 months due to stress and that was not healthy. It has taken longer than 6 months to lose it, but I’m getting there.

          1. DeadQuoteOlympics*

            Yeah, high risk of osteoporosis and mild arthritis can also be a part of getting older, and if I keep that extra 10-15 pounds off, the stairs are a lot easier now and I’m less likely to break a hip in the future. Sometimes it is not about looks, it’s about functionality — and honestly, as people get older they care much more about things like mobility and strength than looks.

    7. Elle*

      What if you were to just stop discussing it with them? It’s really none of their beeswax anyway! And if it does happen to come up, maybe say something like, “I’m just focusing on eating healthy and taking good care of myself.” There’s probably not a whole lot to come back with if you say that. In other words, take the focus of your efforts off weight and put it firmly on your overall health and well-being. Good luck, and don’t let them discourage you!

    8. INTP*

      How is the topic of weight loss coming up? This is such an emotional and individual topic for so many people, even the topic of someone else’s weight loss can trigger some intrusive thoughts and be awkward for people to know how to respond to. I’m not defending them, they shouldn’t get so aggressive about it that they’re putting stuff on your Facebook, but I also see how it could happen. In the future, I’d say to not mention your weight loss efforts unless someone else brings it up first, even if it seems to you to be a natural tangent to the conversation.

      For the friends you’ve already discussed this with, focus on the unemotional, non-aesthetic aspects — “My doctor says I need to lose [amount] because [medical jargon for your delicate bones and joints and potential complications of excess weight for them]. I appreciate your support, but in my case I really do need to lose the weight because my body isn’t built to handle it.” Most reasonable people won’t try to argue with a specific, well-explained medical reason.

    9. Zip Silver*

      Crabs in a bucket, OP.

      This is incredibility common when one member of a friend group (of both genders) decides they want to get in shape, suddenly the rest will come out of the woodwork to prevent you from doing so. “oh you look great the way you are, you don’t need to change anything”.

      Ignore it. You do you, and don’t be in their faces about it (like facebook motivational images and whatnot) and it’ll die down in a few weeks.

    10. Observer*

      I think you need to find new friends. Either they don’t mean to be supportive (a lot of this sounds quite passive aggressive to me), they simply can’t accept any point of view that is not a 100% clone of theirs, or they’re reacting to their own issue by trying to argue with you.

      None of these are behavior coming from a good friend.

    11. Jill*

      I think it’s time to be firmer when these conversations are happening. Some scripts:

      You don’t need to lose weight! You’re beautiful just as you are!

      “I’ve already told you I’m losing weight to decrease the stress on my bones, which are more fragile than other people’s.”

      If they continue…

      “Wow. I already told you it’s to prevent early arthritis. It’s pretty rude to keep telling me I don’t need to lose weight.” (Long pause. Let it be awkward. You didn’t make it awkward, your friend did, and you can return that straight to sender.)

      If they STILL continue…

      “You don’t get a say in my health decisions.” followed by “Let’s change the subject.” or “How about them Yankees?” or “So, did you see X movie yet?”

      That last one? Get it on repeat. If they keep bringing it up, become a broken record and make it REALLY boring for them to try and engage you on this topic. If you’re still having these problems with them, maybe it’s time to downgrade them to Small Doses Friends or Not My Friend At All, Actually.

      1. Florida*

        I agree with this. The only thing is you need to start off by asking them to not mention it again (if you haven’t already).
        Friend: You don’t need to lose weight. You look great as you are.
        You: I am not going to discuss my weight with you. Please don’t mention it again.
        From here, you can continue with Jill’s script.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Yes. This.

        “It wasn’t a question.”
        “Perhaps I was not clear, I am doing this. The best way to support me is to say something positive or let it go.”

        I lost 50 pounds and went from a size 24 down to an 8. (Muscle weighs more than fat/water so that is why so many sizes and not that many pounds.) About half way through this journey I realized there is really very few people to talk about weight with other than the doc or the books I read.

        Basically, if you want to discuss weight loss with someone find people similar to you, people who have to lose weight for health reasons and the doctor ordered it. The random person in your life probably will not understand and/or not support you in the ways you need.

        People can be pretty strident about these matters. If you find yourself caught in a conversation with a person loaded up with opinions, pause and say, “Gee, you seem to be getting very emotionally involved in this topic. What’s up with that?” In some cases you may conclude that you make them feel guilty because they have been thinking about losing weight and doing nothing.

        I hope at some point you can chuckle over my story. I decided to finish losing the weight because my health was in the latrine. I could barely get out of bed. I had a lot of emotional stuff going on then also. So I took control over my diet. I heard things like, “Well, it’s her way of controlling her life.” or “You are obsessed with weight loss.” (That one was funny, because if I had to weigh 500 pounds to feel better then I would have gained that weight. I just wanted to feel better. I could not have cared less about weight at that point.)
        So I walked alone on my journey for the last leg of it. The next thing I know is that many of my peers have signed up for weight watchers. I was not invited. ha! Even more telling, no one let me know that this was going on. So all of the sudden I know at least 18 people who have joined weight watchers together. I guess I was not so wrong after all. They had ridiculed me so much that they had put themselves in a place where they could not even discuss their own concerns with me. That was a wall built by their own doing and honestly, it existed only in their minds. I would have talked with them if they asked.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        You beat me to it. I would shut it down because it’s incredibly detrimental–this isn’t about looks; it’s about HEALTH.
        Also, it has to be really annoying too!

    12. Oignonne*

      I have found it’s often best to shut down the topic of weight altogether instead of trying to explain. Be a broken record- “I’m fine, thank you,” “I don’t talk about weight,” “oh, my diet isn’t that interesting to talk about,” and “I’ve asked you before not to comment on my body. Please stop doing it.” Then change the topic.

      Comments like your fashion friend made are probably a polite, automatic response. To those, I’d just say thanks. I don’t know how you are responding to those, but launching into a defense of your diet is going to be seen a bit oddly, just as responding with a long or negative response to a passing “how are you?” would be seen as odd.

      I think you can once say to close friends something like “I appreciate the concern, but I am fine with myself. I am not engaging in dangerous dieting or overexercising. I’m being monitored by my doctor and am not losing the weight because I think people need to be super thin to be attractive or happy. Please trust me to make my own health decisions.” After that, I’d try to shut down discussion altogether, because engaging is probably being (rudely) interpreted as an invitation to keep discussing it. It sounds like you have explained already, so I’d just move on to not debating. Sorry you have to deal with this annoying behavior. We have some odd views as a society about food and weight, and many think they get a say about other people’s bodies.

    13. AdAgencyChick*

      Take up weightlifting. Then tell people you need to get into the next lower weight class for competitions.

      I’m only half joking. This is the only thing that would make my coworkers shut up when the office was full of treats and alcohol in December. Now I’m down almost 10 pounds and everyone is jealous because I got a head start on the diets everyone starts in January!

    14. Rahera*

      That doesn’t sound like much fun. There are some good insights here, and Captain Awkward also has lots of good advice on setting boundaries and self care.

      Best of luck with your friends and with weight loss. It can be really frustrating on your own, but it can be done :).

    15. Huh*

      It’s just a polite way to respond. If someone says “I’m x pounds overweight and need to lose weight” it seems churlish to respond with “Yeah I totally agree, look at all those flabs of yours.”

      For example today, one of my friends mentioned she is on a diet. We all responded with a chorus of “you’re beautiful” – which is true, she really is gorgeous – but yeah, she is also overweight. But I would never, ever say that to her. Just like if anyone complains about their kids. No matter what the kid has done, even if he kicked a puppy or threw an irreplaceable antique vase at grandma, it seems rude to acknowledge how horrible their offspring is. You only nod sympathetically and utter “Oh but he’s a good kid, deep down.”

      1. Amadeo*

        Well, you could have wished her luck. Or offered to be a gym buddy/accountability buddy. Or offered some other form of help or to be there if she needed support.

    16. Nic*

      Just piling in to agree with several folks. It seems the body positivity movement has forgotten that part of loving yourself is making decisions about yourself for yourself that make you happy, and other people respecting that regardless of how it fits into their idealized version of you.
      I’ve seen several folks come up with scripts, and I agree that a general “My doctor and I have this planned out” type of thing for a first run is probably a good thing. It lets folks know that there IS a plan, that it is medically approved, and gives a pretty hefty hint of “and I don’t need your input.” Specifically the part about “I have brittle bones and I want to do this to ensure I don’t run into difficulties later.” could be thrown in with folks you feel comfortable sharing.

      For the friends who just won’t take no for an answer when it comes to the “you’re perfect just how you are!” bit, I personally would go with something along the lines of “I realize that there is nothing objectively wrong with the way I am. However, I want to make a change to make myself happy. Please, as my friend, do not undercut this by telling me what should or should not make me happy. I am the best judge of that.”

      Future attempts: “We’ve talked about this already, and the discussion is frankly boring. How about (newtopic)?
      “So you’ve mentioned. In other news (newtopic).”

      Another thing that I’ve been really successful with is metaphor. To pull a random one out for this occasion…I don’t know if you ever had to sit in one of those plastic chairs held together with metal screws or rivets or whatever, about midway down the back on the front. I have, and had long hair at the time. It was a painful experience. Yes. Long hair (your body as is, whatever) is beautiful! But just because you think long hair is pretty doesn’t mean I should get my hair pulled out every time I go to class. Just because you say I should be happy with myself the way I am (weight wise) does not mean that I should have to experience broken bones or arthritis.

      Good luck with your weight loss!

    17. Girasol*

      Perhaps they’re putting themselves in your shoes a little inaccurately. What if my doctor said “lose weight” when I was only 25 lbs overweight? Maybe I would come home and say “I’m supposed to go on a diet” and hope that all my friends rally ’round and say, “That’s ridiculous. You’re fine the way you are. Stupid doctor.” And then I would feel better about myself and I wouldn’t have to diet after all. Perhaps your friends mean well but are imagining incorrectly that you were hoping for that kind of support.

  7. Yet another Allison*

    I loved A Woman of Independent Means, and I had the paperback with Sally Field on the cover, from the TV miniseries adaptation. I had forgotten all about both, and it might be time to re-read the book and watch the miniseries. Like you, Alison, I haven’t read it since I was a teenager.

    1. Searching*

      One of my favorite books too, which I have re-read from time to time over the years. I think I still have it in the basement somewhere, and I bought the Kindle version too a while back when it was on their Daily Deal. I didn’t realize they had made a TV miniseries of it. Not sure I want to watch it, since screen/tv adaptations of books that I’ve loved so rarely live up to my expectations – although I do love Sally Field!

  8. Mazzy*

    I can’t wait to binge read the past few open thread Fridays. I’ve been missing AAM because work has been too busy and I have been pretty visible lately so don’t have time to hide away during the work day and open the site. And I miss the real world stories from Fridays!

  9. RKB*

    This is somewhat school related but more fashion- I just got a research assistant placement at my university. Mostly data collection. What should I be wearing? Are jeans ok for RAs? Or should I be more business casual especially at our weekly meetings?

    1. Blueismyfavorite*

      What do the other RAs wear? Dark-wash jeans without holes and business casual tops are probably OK but you should see what others in your position wear.

    2. Sir Alanna Trebond*

      Data collection, like in a lab? If so, you could probably get away with sweat pants, tbh.

      1. TL -*

        What I wore to work on Thursday :)

        Jeans and a shirt that is not holey or inappropriate (words or image wise) to slacks and a button up are the range for most labs. If it’s a wet lab, you can be a little more casual; a dry lab, I’d err a little nicer – jeans and a button up or nicer blouse.

    3. Southern Ladybug*

      Just ask the person who hired you. I hire students as GAs and interns. I just started automatically telling them the expectations, but it’s totally appropriate to ask! I never mind answering that type of question. After the first day it’s usually related to specific events etc – I try to give extra guidance if we are having an event, expect visitors to the office, or if it’s a “we have to clean out the storage area and you will help” day.

    4. Sutemi*

      Depends on what kind of lab you are working in, but be aware of what kind of dress code is needed for safety purposes as well. Heavy cotton pants (jeans!) tend to be protective against many safety hazards. You will probably need shoes that are full foot coverage and comfortable to stand in for hours. No dangling scarves or necklaces, long hair tied back.

  10. anoncmntr*

    Hi all! I’m new here so I hope this isn’t uncool to ask for advice when I haven’t been around long. My husband and I are taking a one-week vacation to England at the end ofor the month (spontaneously tacked into a work trip, hence the timing). We’re planning to mostly be in/around London, maybe a day trip to Cambridge. Any recommendations? Places to stay that are nice (it happens to be a big anniversary) that won’t break the bank? Good shows to see, or places to check reviews so we can decide ourselves? Restaurants not to be missed? Favorite museums? Etc etc.

    Thank you so much for any tips!

    1. Alice*

      It’s been years, so check the recent reviews, but the Penn Club in Russell Square is very reasonable and comfortable. Not luxorious, but if you want to put your money towards shows or meals to celebrate the anniversary (btw congrats), it’s a perfectly serviceable place, with good breakfasts too.

    2. Sarah G.*

      Not uncool at all, that’s what the open threads are for!
      My brother was just telling me about touring Winston Churchill’s underground headquarters, which I guess were not open to the public until relatively recently. He said it was incredible, that many artifacts were left untouched from when they hurriedly evacuated.
      I’m not much of a history buff, but after hearing his description, this is definitely top on my “don’t miss” list when/if I’m next in London.

        1. the gold digger*

          Tripling. And also, the Imperial War Museum. One of the historians there is a consultant for Foyle’s War. Even if you are not a history buff, I think you will like the War museum.

          1. Lemon Zinger*

            Foyle’s War is one of my all-time favorites! Must remember to visit the Imperial War Museum if I ever get to England.

          2. SophieChotek*

            Yep my favorites are the Imperial War Museum (go there each time I go to London) and the National Army Museum (in Chelsea). There is definitely overlap between the two but there are different things too, so I’ve gone to both several times.

            I also like (if it is still open) the Old Operating Theater — which has medical history.

      2. anoncmntr*

        Ah, that sounds amazing! And my husband will absolutely love it — he owns I think every Churchill biography that’s been printed. Cheers!

        2. Visited London last spring*

          In that case, going to the Churchill War Rooms is imperative. This is the underground bunker from which Churchill directed the war, and it’s a fascinating historical site full of stuff. Then as you go through it, at one point it branches into a sort of side museum that’s all about Churchill himself and his entire life and career, and there’s enough of that to have been a stand-alone museum unto itself. We spent several hours and wished we had had more time, and that’s without especially being Churchill freaks. Go here for sure and try to allow as much time as you can spare, or schedule such that you can choose to spend more time if you want (like go first thing when they open, and then once you’re there, you can choose to spend the day, or just spend a few hours and go do something else for the afternoon).

    3. Elkay*

      What sort of thing do you like? The National Portrait Gallery is my favourite museum in London. The London Eye is worth doing on a clear day.

      In Cambridge King’s College Chapel is worth a visit. Don’t ask where the university is in Cambridge, there is no central building it’s a series of colleges and department buildings all over the city.

      I’ll have a think about restaurants.

      1. anoncmntr*

        Good question! Well, I promised my husband that he, at least, could do the Eye (I have an irrational fear of Ferris wheels). I love art museums, and actually worked for years in natural history museums (I’m a biologist) so we’re looking forward to the Nat. Hist. Museum. So we’ll add the National Portrait Gallery to our list, and any others you recommend! I know very little about art, but my favorite periods are probably medieval and impressionism, if that informs your recs at all :)

        King’s College Chapel, excellent!

        Thank you so much for your thoughts!

        1. Cordelia Longfellow*

          The Victoria and Albert museum is right next door to the Natural History Museum, and the pair make a great day trip. The V&A is my favourite museum in London; it’s got fashion, textiles, furniture, sculpture and more. Be sure to check out the gorgeous rooms in the cafe (their scones with clotted cream and jam are delicious), and their fantastic gift shop.

          For theatre, https://www.londontheatre.co.uk is a great resource. If you want to see a musical, there are a bunch of great long-running shows: Les Miserables, The Lion King, Phantom of the Opera, Book of Mormon. For straight plays, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime is great, and the RSC is currently staging Much Ado About Nothing. The Woman in Black is fun if you like a good scare, and there’s a ton of other stuff that you can browse on the London Theatre website.

          If you do the Eye (or even if you don’t), I love walking along the South Bank. You’ll get to see the iconic London skylines of the north bank; if you start from the Eye and head west, you’ll see street performers and the second-hand book market, and you’ll end up at the Tate Modern museum and Shakespeare’s Globe. Even if you don’t properly visit the Tate Modern, poke your head into the Turbine Hall – it’s a massive exhibition space that usually has cool art installations. From the Globe/Tate you can also walk across the Millenium Bridge to St Paul’s cathedral.

          The Camden Town Market is also a ton of fun for browsing or shopping for anything you could imagine at dozens of tiny market stalls. There is so much to see and do in London that you’ll only be able to scratch the surface, but that’s okay. Buy a pay-as-you-go Oyster card for public transit as the cheapest option and have fun!

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Ooh, yes Camden Market!
            FYI the public toilet in the building near the London Eye (where you get tickets, etc.) is free. Or it was–as of April 2015. Also, Royal Albert Hall is not far from V&A if you want to take a look at it.

    4. TeaLady*

      Favourite museums in London:
      Victoria and Albert
      British Museum
      Science Museum
      Sir John Soane’s House
      Maritime Museum at Greenwich (combine with a river ferry trip – not overly expensive and way more fun than the Tube)
      Tate Modern – I could sit in the Rothko room for hours
      (most of these are free entry, although there may be a charge for a particular exhibition. But you could spend all day in the free bits of most of those)

      I live fairly near Cambridge, and my favourite spot is The Polar Museum, but then I’m fascinated by Arctic and Antarctic Exploration. The Fitzwilliam is excellent too, and there’s several smaller museums as well. There’s a lot of cyclists in and around Cambridge – I find it a little disconcerting.

      Have a lovely trip (but bring waterproofs)

      1. Elkay*

        Agree on The Scott Polar Museum, it’s very interesting and free I think. The Fitzwilliam is definitely free.

    5. TheLazyB*

      Depending on where you’re staying/what food you like, I would recommend Cyprus Mangal in Pimlico. Looks really unassuming from the outside but is lovely inside, food delish and big portions, and not too expensive for its location.

      I stay overnight in London sometimes and found it on my last trip. Mentioned it to a London-based colleague who arranged a meal there for her team. Apparently that was also fab.

    6. Elkay*

      Restaurant recommendations (none are fancy):
      London – http://www.wahaca.co.uk/menu/food/ – Mexican style tapas run by a Masterchef winner, I prefer the one on Chandos Place but the one in Soho is nice too. I’m not a fan of the one on the South Bank in the cold weather.

      Cambridge – there are two independent restaurant groups in the city that run a few places
      City Pub Company:
      The Mill – http://www.themillpubcambridge.com/
      The Brew House – http://www.thecambridgebrewhouse.com/
      The Old Bicycle Shop – http://www.oldbicycleshop.com/
      Cambs Cuisine:
      http://www.cambscuisine.com, the ones in Cambridge city are Smokeworks, Millworks, The Cambridge Chop House and The St John’s Chop House ( The Chop House has nicer views than the St John’s Chop House).

      1. Bonky*

        You missed out what’s probably the best place to eat in Cambridge (and it’s wonderfully English – in a good way): The Pint Shop. http://pintshop.co.uk/ – it’s independent (they’ve just opened a second branch in Oxford), and it’s outstandingly good. There are usually about 20 unusual beers on tap, and there’s a great, very seasonal menu of traditional pub favourites, charcoal-grilled meats and fish, and some very good dry aged steaks.

        1. Short and Stout*

          Another Cambridge resident here. I really don’t like Pint Shop as I think the cocktails are not good. Each to their own, I suppose. I would especially warn that it is not a traditonal English pub.

          My favourite pub is The Hopbine, which is close to Midsummer Common and Jesus Green, perhaps a little out of the way especially if you’re only on a day trip.

          You will probably not avoid harassment by touts selling punting tickets. I think the best thing to arrange punting is just to go straight to Tourist Info in Market Square and book it from there. It is expensive (more than £20 I think, though I guess the exchange rate is favourable just now), but a punt tour of The Backs really is the quintessential Cambridge experience and you can’t see what you see from the river by land.

      2. Heaven*

        Wahaca! My goodness, thank you! A friend and I stumbled across the Soho location when I went down to visit him last year and it’s been driving me mad that I wanted to recommend it to people but couldn’t remember the name other than that it started with W.

        Bookmarking that to save frustration in the future! And yes, this level of enthusiasm over re-discovering this restaurant is a definite vote in its favour. Absolutely the best Mexican food I’ve ever eaten, and the price (my friend and I had drinks and a big spread of tapas for about £30) was brilliant for anywhere, but remarkably cheap for London, where the night before I’d paid £5 for a tiny glass of terrible red wine in an equally terrible bar.

    9. Thursday Next*

      I really liked the Tower of London. The enterance fee is a little pricey but worth it (when I visited London as a broke study abroad student the tower was the one thing I paid to see and I was very happy with my decision). There are free tours inside led by the guards that are really good. It helps if you are interested in English history but since it was a prison you hear about the interesting bits.

      1. Red Reader*

        The tours by the Beefeaters are amazing. Even aside from the history, they’re fascinating — they all live onsite, and my guide didn’t bat an eyelash when I asked him about how they order a pizza. I was just imagining, “delivery address? Tower of London? Hah, sure, right, *click*” he said that was about right the first few times they tried a new place, but they have some standard go-tos who know them. The really difficult one was when he tried to have a washing machine delivered – it took weeks and his wife was livid. And his delivery on the story just slayed me.

        1. Marche*

          +1

          The Beefeaters are amazing! Just make sure to check the weather if and when you go, because if it rains they have to stop the tour. When I was there he kept going for a minute but the rain got heavier and he had to stop.

        2. Elizabeth West*

          I freaking love the Tower of London. This is hilarious.
          I got to see the poppies in the moat in 2014; I chose not to do the tour as I’d already been, but I might do it again next time. I’d love to do a ghost tour because it’s haunted as hell.

    10. Puffle*

      Selwyn College in Cambridge is really nice, especially the chapel and gardens. It’s a little further outside of the centre than the other colleges, but worth visiting if you get the chance.

      My other piece of advice is to get a pay-as-you-go Oyster card for London- you get discounted fares that way. I think that you can top up your Oyster card online or with an app, which might be worth doing- there are sometimes reeallly long queues to use the top-up machines at the stations, although since it’ll be off-peak season you might okay.

      Also, regular London buses don’t accept cash, you can only pay by Oyster card (as I learned to my cost…), although I’m sure tour buses will take cash. You can also use a contactless card instead of an Oyster card.

      I hope you and your husband have a great time!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        You can get an Oyster card at many newsagents (like a small shop that sells papers, cigarettes, candy, etc.) when you get there. No need to do it ahead of time.

        Also, just use Google on your phone to look up bus routes, etc. Everybody stands around looking at their phone so you won’t look quite so “touristy.”

    11. Bonky*

      I live in Cambridge. Do come here – it’s absolutely beautiful, and you’ll have a great time. The train station is about half an hour’s walk through the least attractive part of town to the beautiful historical buildings in the centre, so it’s worth grabbing a taxi when you get to the station to the town centre.

      Start at Trinity Street, and do a tour of at least one of either St John’s College or Trinity College (honestly, I’d do both; they’re glorious). Grab local guides at Heffers book shop, across the road from the entrances to both colleges. St John’s has the finest Tudor courtyard that’s still in use for its original purpose in the country, and it’s my favourite place in the city. (I studied there and got married in the chapel, but I’m not that biased.) Trinity has some beautiful architecture as well; get someone to point out the room Byron lived in with his pet bear, check out the Chariots of Fire quadrangle, and the Christopher Wren library, which is built over a collonade in case of floods.

      You’ll see a little apple tree outside Trinity’s front gate. It’s grown from a cutting of the tree that Isaac Newton found inspiration from.

      A few hundred yards away, on King’s Parade, is King’s College – that’s the one with the very famous chapel building. Worth a tour too.

      When you’re done with all that, grab a punt tour from Scudamore’s up by the quayside, or from one of the independent outfits. https://www.saveindependentpunting.co.uk/alternatives.html

      London hotels: if you’re after something really special and a bit unusual, check out Hazlitt’s. https://www.hazlittshotel.com/ It’s a Georgian building in Soho (so very, very central and convenient) which has been turned into a boutique hotel, but it retains all the Georgian features. It’s like sleeping in a museum, and it’s my absolute favourite place to stay in the city. There’s no gym, pool or restaurant – but you’re in the middle of theatreland with a million great restaurants, and they do a fantastic breakfast in bed.

      You’ll know about all the regular London museums, but if you want to get off the beaten track to somewhere very special, try Sir John Soane’s Museum, which is downright extraordinary (try a Google Image Search to see what I mean!)

    12. Bonky*

      Oh – and while I think about it, you MUST go to Westminster Abbey. There’s an entrance fee, but it’s a simply extraordinary place. You’ll be walking around 1000 years of history, royal tombs from Edward the Confessor onwards (Elizabeth I’s tomb is particularly moving; it’s next to Mary Queen of Scots), and some of the most beautiful architecture in the country. The Henry VII chapel will make your heart sing. And if you’re lucky, you might coincide with the choir practicing.

      1. Thursday Next*

        You can go during a church service for free! I went during a midmorning ~1h choral service, so it was church but pretty light and I heard the boys choir sing, so I considered it a free choral concert with a bit of religion thrown in. Downside is you can’t wander around, but when I went I was a little over with historical sites (end of study abroad semester in Europe) so I was happy to sit for an hour and listen to good choir music and see a bit of Westminster.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I got to do this at St. Paul’s–they had a service on St. George’s Day and I happened to be right inside at the moment. Lovely choir, and I sat almost under the dome and snuck a very cool picture. :)

    13. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I scrolled through the results and lots of good stuff posted. We just went today to see the Maps of the 20th Century show at the British Library (other half is is a cartography/visual data nerd) and it was a lot bigger and more extensive a place than we thought. That show was ticketed, but you can see the exhibits where they keep the really rare stuff ( a Gutenberg Bible, the Magna Carta, Handel’s Messiah written in his hand etc) for free. It is conveniently located near the Wellcome Collection which is also free and tends to have weird stuff on (current exhibit is on the Bedlam asylum. I have also seen shrunken heads and strange anthropological stuff there)

      A walk along the South Bank from Waterloo to London Bridge you will see all sorts of things. From the plaza around the Southbank Centre (check inside usually there is something going on over the weekends), little shops tucked away, good views across the river. Then you hit the Tate Modern with its huge new Annex (they have a lot of free exhibits as well), Shakespeares Globe, and then under Southwark Bridge you get to Borough Market. Lots of nooks and crannies in there to check out. You could also walk across the Millenium Bridge at the Tate to St Pauls. As you approach the St Paul side look down into the grates of the bridge – there is an artist who paints the gum wads that have been squished into some really neat patterns and miniature paintings.

      Nice hotel that won’t break the bank is relative in this city! :) Maybe check out some boutique hotels although with it being January and the GBP being so weak you may be able to score a good deal on a fancy place. Don’t expect a lot of space though!

      Food – some people swear by the Duck and Waffle, which is at the top of a tower, but I can’t tell you which one since my internet connection seems to have packed it in. I’ve also gone up to the Sky Garden in the walkie talkie a number of times for their Sunday yoga class and you can get a pretty good brunch (with amazing views) for a moderately inflated sum. Oxo Tower is pretty much a classic if you want a classy meal. I would recommend if you do research and find a restaurant that you really want to eat at and it seems popular, to book a table in advance. Also — don’t expect service to be stellar, just go with the flow.

      Shows – Depends on what you like to see, there are all sorts. A friend and I are going to see Buried Child with Ed Harris next month – that is playing at the very tiny Trafalgar Studios through mid Feb (if you care to watch a depressing 3 hour play about the collapse of the American farm! :P) If you are here during a Tuesday grab a copy of Time Out which is handed out free. Best place to get tickets – I think I booked through atgtickets but Im not sure – just be aware of a broker that tacks on like a £14 service charge on a ticket.

      I would suggest pacing yourself and picking one or two things a day and otherwise just wandering around the general areas to see different things. Lots of nooks and crannies all over the place here :) You are lucky to be traveling at a time with such a good rate

    14. Marillenbaum*

      Restaurant recommendation: Kipferl, in Islington, does incredible Austrian food–including desserts, and have an excellent collection of wines and schnapps.

    15. Elizabeth West*

      If you’re staying in Central London, it’s fairly easy to get to everything. I recommend really good walking shoes, because London is very walkable and your feet will fall off, LOL. You can also pick up a small tube map pamphlet at most stations. My favorites:

      –The National Gallery in Trafalgar Square; they have a ton of Van Gogh (squee!).

      –Eat lunch at Cafe in the Crypt inside St. Martin-in-the-Fields church, also Trafalgar Square. Cafeteria style and you might have to share a table, but it’s fun to eat in a crypt. Only live bodies, no dead ones. ;)

      –Fortnum & Mason, Piccadilly. If you want, you can get off the tube at Oxford Street and walk to New Bond Street (Bond Street Station is closest). Follow New Bond Street and Old Bond Street all the way to Piccadilly, past all the really expensive stores. It’s fun. I have to do this every single time I go, heh heh.) Great for tea and fancies and not as expensive or pretentious as Harrods. Try the Parlor ice cream shop upstairs and check out the grocery downstairs. Bring me back some macarons, ahaha!
      Plus, Hatchards is right next door. It’s one of the oldest bookshops in London and is very nice.

      –If you’re anywhere near King’s Cross Station, walk up to Granary Square and visit Word on the Water!!! It’s a secondhand bookshop in a 100-year-old barge. A good selection of books, and they are very nice and sometimes have music. In bad weather they’re sometimes closed, but you can check on Twitter and Facebook.

      –Also near King’s Cross: The British Library, one of the largest research libraries in the world, has a Treasures collection and it’s free. Come out of King’s Cross at the southeast end; the big street in front of you is Euston Road. Turn right and walk past St. Pancras International station (it’s the huge Victorian building next to King’s Cross). Keep walking past the giant fancy hotel. It’s on your right–you’ll see a massive sprawling brick building in a courtyard that contains a statue of a huge crouching figure.

      –You probably won’t get this far out, but in Richmond-upon-Thames, Surrey, you can go to Ham House,a 17th-century manor home full of all kinds of neat art and furniture. Said to be one of Britain’s most haunted houses. Very cool. Take the slow-ass District line tube to Richmond Station (change at Turnham Green) and then grab a bus (65 or 371) out front. Directions here: https://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/ham-house-and-garden.

      –If you do go to Greenwich, not far from the Maritime Museum and Greenwich Park, you’ll find the Cutty Sark, a Victorian-era clipper ship that carried tea and wool. It’s in drydock and is a museum now. Also check out Goddard’s Pie and Mash–it’s very near the museum. They serve authentic pie and mash and liquor (this is meat pie with mashed potatoes and a green parsley gravy–the “liquor”), a traditional East End dish (you can also get regular gravy). Plus, they are cheap because most of their customers live in the neighborhood–they don’t want to raise prices for tourists. SO GOOD. Here is a picture: http://i.imgur.com/qxavUYP.jpg. TRUST ME IT’S AMAZING. You can skip the jellied eels, LOL. And Greenwich Market is not far away!

      –Check TripAdvisor for recommendations also. :)

      #sosojelly :)

  11. anon today*

    I’ve seen good discussions on these open threads about how to make new friends, and even some dating discussions, but I’m hoping for slightly different advice.
    I know that I should be making new friends, developing a larger social circle, and finding a partner – but I don’t actually want to. I’m perfectly happy coming home and reading or playing musical instead of going out and about with people. I don’t mind going by myself to concerts, restaurants, sporting events – even if people typically go with others.
    I know intellectually that a vibrant suppor network is important. But how can I motivate myself to build one when I’m happy (and lazy) on my own?

    2. nep*

      Where does it come from — the thought that you *should* be doing those things? If you are happy and at peace living as you are, isn’t that what counts? (I can relate, as I am far more content doing things on my own, including reading, practicing a musical instrument…than spending time w others.)

      1. anon today*

        You three must be saying “great minds think alike”….

        I guess the proximate cause for bringing it up was a WaPo article about – don’t laugh – how hard it is for some lonely, elderly people to find someone to pick them up after a colonoscopy. But I’m also familiar with research showing that people with stronger social networks live longer and suffer from dementia later than loners.

        On the plus side, I count my lucky stars that my family doesn’t nag about significant others/kids. :)

        1. animaniactoo*

          I talked about the first case below, on the latter case, a large part of it is intellectual stimulation that can only be found via conversation. Some of that can be found via internet relationships, but some of it there’s no in-person substitute for. However, if you’re forcing yourself to do something you don’t really want to do, you’re not having a quality of life that you’re really enjoying to get to the part where you’re living longer and delaying dementia by (on average I think) 3 or 4 years. In a lifetime, what is 3 or 4 years compared to all the years before that you are less happy than you might otherwise be?

          This is not to say that you shouldn’t look for opportunities as they arise and act on them when interest truly strikes you. Just that you shouldn’t torture yourself too much about *not* feeling the motivation to do it.

        2. Jen RO*

          I kinda know what you mean. I don’t want kids and my boyfriend is 10 years older than me, so I sometimes wonder what will happen to me when I’m older since I don’t have any ‘best’ friends close by… but I decided that I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

          Even so… while I’ve taken it easy over the past few years, without *trying* to make friends, it happened nevertheless. I got closer with some people at work and, even though we are not super close and we don’t see each other all the time (we don’t work together anymore), we keep in touch. I haven’t asked any of them to drive me home from a colonoscopy, but I am fairly sure they would!

          I don’t know how much sense this made… but TL;DR sometimes it’s easier to just relax and let friendships happen.

        3. nep*

          I guess I’d say — no need to follow any ‘formula’ for how or where you land upon companionship or human contact/help when you need it, or where it might be needed for balance. Enjoy what’s working for you as far as how you spend your time, and let the rest take care of itself.

        4. neverjaunty*

          But that research doesn’t mean “therefore, every person INCLUDING you should increase size of their social network and find a partner or else they’re risking early death and dementia”.

          Setting aside the whole issue of correlation vs. causation (and man, is that a HUGE setting-aside), there’s a difference between a large social network and a strong one, and if you don’t want a partner and tons of friends, then you plan ahead for what would happen if you got sick or when you become older. Which, frankly, is something that people with children and partners and strong social networks should do too.

        5. Natalie*

          If it will ease your mind a bit, you could always plan for living in a senior community as your plan b. Many of my grandparents did (10 grandparents from a blended family) and they had lots of social contact with other residents if they wanted it.

          1. Girasol*

            I’m newly retired and have aging parents in a senior living community. Those places are wonderful! But I’m starting to realize that it’s not the whole answer. You have to keep your friendship muscles toned. If everyone here answers my last comment with “no, no, no, you idiot!” I can say, “they just don’t understand me!” and ghost. If a face-to-face friend says it I have to work through the emotional and communicative difficulty of reaching common ground again. It’s that sort of problem solving, researchers say, that keeps minds young. Of course, if you’re not retired, you get lots of that at work. What you could be losing out on, I’m discovering, is practice in making new friends on the outside, so that when you retire you can form a relationship with someone who will call you an idiot once in awhile for your own good and still pick you up after that colonoscopy. Having “kids your own age” nearby facilitates friendships but doesn’t make them.

    4. animaniactoo*

      The reason that people build such networks is for something they’re missing – usually companionship. Sometimes people end up in a situation where they *need* some form of help that is most easily supplied by a support network and realize how difficult the situation is without one.

      But there are different ways to build support networks – most people enjoy being around other people and doing things and building it via a friendship. Don’t get locked into the picture that this is the way you need to build a support network. Think about how you can manage when you need help and are not in a position to be able to do things yourself. Find those resources now so that you have them ready when you might need them. That might look like anything from researching what cab companies in your area are relatively reliable and have rates you can live with if your car breaks down and you don’t have time to get a rental before going to work, to knowing how to arrange for a paid companion if you need to have outpatient surgery that they won’t let you leave unaccompanied (or what could be outpatient has to be inpatient if you didn’t have anybody available to help for the next 24 hourse, etc.). It’s perfectly fine for your support network to be “paid” resources or acquaintances that you sometimes trade favors with.

      One thing my godmother is setting up for herself now is regular help that comes by about once every other week for the few things she struggles to do herself (put something up in a high place, get it down, get under something, etc.) and setting it up so that this is a teenager or college age student who gets paid a small amount to do 15-20 minutes worth of stuff, with the idea that as she needs to rely on such help more, it can increase and she may need to switch who is helping her, but that the relationship and the idea of the kind of help is established and in place for when she needs it.

      1. a different Vicki*

        My mother has someone who comes in I think once a week for a few hours to help with that sort of thing, and with setting up computer stuff for her, and the organization she found this person through could provide more help if needed. Mom has a good social network, but many of her local friends and relatives are also in their seventies and eighties, and have slowed down some.

    5. anoncmntr*

      Your life sounds wonderful. Now that I’m married and have a kid, there are times I absolutely physically ache for that solo life, so I understand completely how fulfilling and rewarding an independent life can be.

      I do agree, however, that there are distinct, logistical benefits to being part of a network. I’ve done that thing where you have to ask your boss to pick you up from a colonoscopy (I was a 30-year old woman, my boss a 60-year old man, it was awkward as all get out) and I don’t want that for you!

      I think some advice that I’ve picked up from Carolyn Hax might be applicable here — when you go to your sporting events, concerts, restaurants, etc., strike up conversations with other patrons. A casual chat about the very event you’re at is an easy way to start. You probably won’t make new best friends from this (and I know you don’t necessarily want to anyway) but you might start to see the same folks at different events, you can start to make casual plans (“See you next month at the Feb symphony concert!”), and from there you may find yourself with easy, casual friends. I guess the idea would be to make friends with the people that are at/doing the things you’re *already* at/doing, and see where it goes from there.

      And I know that if a casual friend asked for help getting home from a colonoscopy, at any age, I would happily agree without thinking twice :)

      1. anon today*

        TBH my life is pretty wonderful :) – rewarding career, material comforts (enough that animaniactoo’s advice about a paid support network for logistics is very feasible), and honestly I enjoy my life.
        That definitely includes the casual friendships you mention, anoncmntr – I even ended up going to the wedding of a couple I met at a baseball game! Another way I’m lucky is that, even if I’m an introvert, I don’t have any social anxiety. If there’s a reason to go to a cocktail party, no problem, and I’ll enjoy myself to a point – I just will enjoy myself more once I’m sitting on the sofa with my dog and my book.

    6. Elizabeth H.*

      I naturally like to do a lot of things by myself but I find it a pretty difficult balance for when you do get lonely. It can be hard to always be able to spend time with another person/people when you feel the need while not doing that all the time. I feel like it is usually skewed one way or the other (constant social contact or not enough social contact). I’m an introvert but I really love social activities and parties and get lonely pretty easily so it’s a difficult balance for me. I don’t have advice, just to say that I think it’s worth trying to develop some regular social things if you do think you would get lonely at some point.

      1. anon today*

        Thanks everyone for the thoughtful discussion!
        Some of the social things I do are, well, not that social, which works well for me and maybe would for you, Elizabeth. Chamber musicians and choral groups, for example – a little bit of chatting but mostly focused practising. That’s my sweet spot.

    7. INTP*

      No tips here, just chiming in to say that I strongly relate. I need a lot of alone time, so on a day-to-day basis I’m unmotivated to try to make friends. I very rarely have spare time that I wish I could spend with people – on a typical full-time-working week, I pretty much want all the spare time I have as unstructured alone time, or if I have extra time and want to be social, I’d rather do something related to an interest of mine like take a class or go to a language group than socialize just to socialize. I really don’t want to put in the time necessary to sustain friendships. But I also know that a support network of some sort is important, and that at some point I’ll need to socialize more than I care for to build one.

      For the people above asking why someone would feel a “should” in this situation…I don’t think it’s necessarily about feeling like you need to socialize regularly and have friends just because it’s the normal thing to do. It’s that there are situations in life where you do need a support network, and when those things happen, it’s too late to go build one. Anything from an emotional crisis where you need someone to speak to (and it’s too personal to speak to a loose acquaintance about) to needing someone to pick you up from surgery. For real examples, I recently needed a personal reference for an apartment app and had no one I wasn’t related to I could ask. I also realized recently that I’m going to need a wisdom tooth removed soon…and I’m moving out of state in a week and there will be no one to pick me up. (I also wouldn’t have anyone here if it weren’t for family members.) I don’t think a network has to be specifically friendships, it could also be some combination of family members, an SO, membership in a church or similar where the members support each other, etc., but most people will eventually need a network.

    8. Harriet*

      I am very often perfectly happy on my own, though I do think I have more of a need for social contact than you and I do need friends to spend time with (before coming home and chilling out with the cats).

      But what I came here to say was that one of the nice side effects of getting involved in a volunteer cause I feel strongly about and am committed to is that it has also resulted in a great support network and feeling part of a community – so that might be something to consider, if you can find an activity you would be doing anyway and the network would be a welcome addition rather than the sole point?

    9. AliceBD*

      My social support network is 100% from church*. Sometimes I think about meeting friends my age (my church friends are mostly my mom’s age or older) but like you if I want to go out to eat or see a play or something I’m happy to do it on my own. So no real advice, but some commiseration.

      *I say church, but you don’t have to be Christian. Other regularly-attended religious groups would work as well, or those atheist groups that get together weekly that some of my friends are in whose name I forget.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I think there is a perception that everyone needs lots of friends. It could be due to all those adverts featuring a big group of (photogenic) people doing various activities.

        Where I live is not one of those places where it is easy to make friends, as there are always people coming and going. In addition, most people are in couples and I often get the impression that a solo person is tolerated only.

    10. Persephone Mulberry*

      If you’ve got wedding and cocktail party invitations and a routine group activity, I’d say your social circle is doing just fine. :)

      Being able to afford paid help in the event of a medical dustup is all well and good, but these types of events take an emotional toll as well, and there’s a difference, I think, between being introverted by choice and being homebound by circimstance, and the latter can be very isolating in a way that catches naturally introverted people off guard sometimes. Even having a casual social network like yours is valuable, because the day may come when you call on it, and you will be surprised at who comes out of the woodwork. :)

    11. Marillenbaum*

      Perhaps do those things, but be quite picky about whom you invite into your life. I, too, tend to be quite happy doing things on my own, but building that support network has been a defensive thing because I want to have people who can look after me when I need it (like when I have a medical procedure, or am too sick to go to the store). There’s nothing wrong with enjoying your own company, and nothing says you have to have a large social circle, but you can do that and keep an ear to the ground for the sort of people you’d like to have in your life.

  12. Cath in Canada*

    My resolution to pick up my poor neglected classical guitar again after many years is going well so far! I spent most of Jan 1st treating the wood, restringing, and retuning, then I started playing some of my easier old favourites the next day. The first session was pretty disheartening, but since then I’ve picked up the basics again faster than I’d hoped (I was seriously wondering if I’d even remember how to read music) – hooray for muscle memory and all those drills my old teachers put me through! My fingers hurt like hell though – I need to build those calluses back up. I’ve ordered some new music and have decided that playing for about 20 minutes every Saturday and Sunday plus two weekday evenings a week is a sensible goal.

    3. Bonky*

      Oh good – I’ve been wondering how you were getting on! It *is* surprising how fast it comes back, isn’t it!

      When I took up the piano after an unconscionable gap, I found frequency of practice was more important than length of practice. (Although frankly, I was having so much fun that the sessions often went on for hours – they still do, tbh.) Keep having fun – and keep letting us know how you’re progressing!

      Tangent: my mother played the classical guitar. One of my earliest memories is sneaking out of bed and sitting my my cracked-open bedroom door to listen to her play the Bach lute suites. It’s a beautiful instrument: I hope it’s giving you a lot of joy.

  13. FDCA In Canada*

    My husband and I had to put down our tortie kitty at the beginning of this week. She’d been fairly sick for a couple of months now and steadily declining, and it was horrible and gut-wrenching but at least now she isn’t in pain any longer. Oddly enough, her sister has actually been more chill and relaxed since then–we were worried as they’re littermates and have never been apart in their whole lives, but our remaining cat has been much more calm. I think we’ll hold off on getting her a friend for quite a while, though, at least until we stop missing our tortie quite so much.

    1. nep*

      I don’t know much about cat ‘psychology’, but perhaps the sister was experiencing tension, feeling that the cat was ill and suffering?
      Sorry for your loss.

      1. FDCA In Canada*

        That’s what we’ve been kind of idly wondering. Even at her best our tortie was a high-strung, needy, noisy, active cat and her sister is very chill and quiet, so I’m wondering if the recent tension from the past couple months giving way to quiet is actually a relief for her. Poor girl.

    7. Sibley*

      So sorry about your tortie :(

      Re the other cat – you really don’t know how cats will react to being separated until they are. Give everyone plenty of time to grieve, and then let her tell you if she wants a friend.

    9. Rahera*

      Oh, I’m so sorry about your cat. It’s never easy but you clearly took great care of her. I’m really glad her sister is doing ok.

    10. Bonky*

      I am so sorry. It’s unimaginably awful when that happens. I hope you and your husband are doing OK.

    11. Lima Joe Coo*

      So sorry for your loss. As for getting another cat, you’ll know when it’s time. Many years ago, my oldest cat died. A few months later, we adopted 2 kittens, also littermates. We didn’t go out with the idea of getting another cat, but when we were picking up food at the pet store they were having an adoption fair. One thing led to another and we eventually brought home the kittens. The other cat was not happy, but she did at least accept them. And I know that her quality of life was better for it.

    13. Rubbery Dubbery Smiles*

      So sorry for your loss! Losing a pet is so hard.

      I had two littermates once, and the dominant cat died suddenly from a blood clot that lodged in his spine when they were 8 or 9. The female spent a few days grieving, but then seemed calmer and happier than she’d ever been. It turned out that she just liked being an only cat. (YMMV, of course.)

      1. myswtghst*

        We had a very similar situation – the cat who passed first was always a bit bossy with her sister, so the surviving cat seemed more relaxed after she got over the initial weirdness of her littermate not being around, and was a pretty content only cat for the rest of her time with us.

        FDCA In Canada – I am so sorry for your loss, and am wishing you and your family the best.

    14. Mreasy*

      I’m so sorry. My tortie was my best friend and I lost her in November. They’re such wonderful little ones!!! I’m sure you loved her well.

      1. Golden Lioness*

        Coming late to the party to say I am sorry for your loss too. kitties just crawl into your heart and it’s so hard to lose them. (((hugs)))

  14. Gene*

    I get to take part of Wednesday off to be home for the new range delivery and installation. The 25-year old Caloric has started to fail, so I looked at Consumer Reports ratings and headed off to Sears for a Kenmore. It was planned for replacement later this year when we get the kitchen done, this just moved up its schedule. I’m looking forward to it, but it makes me think of first wife and cooking with her.

    Wok cooking will be better with the high power burner and the convection oven will be good for baking.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Mine stove came with the house when we bought it 25 years ago. I estimated it was about 10-15 years old then. It’s still fine. The color is awful.

      2. Gene*

        We had to buy a new one when we had gas brought into the house. I was SO glad to get rid of that electric range… I’ve been happy with the Caloric, here’s hoping the Kenmore lasts as long.

      3. chickabiddy*

        It’s funny — I know people who have ranges that are 25+ years old and people who have ranges that are 10 years old or less. It’s a pretty clear illustration of when it became cheaper to replace than repair (which can be looked at a lot of different ways). Last year I replaced a “harvest gold” range, which I assume was original to my house. I had been saying for many years that I would replace it as soon as it needed even the slightest repair, but that stubborn beast just kept on going.

      4. the gold digger*

        The older home mechanics appear to be so much better made than the new ones. I bought a reconditioned Kenmore in Miami in 1997 and left it in my Memphis house when I sold it in 2008. The original heater in my Memphis house – from 1922 – was still running when I moved, but we had to install a new heater in our house here to replace the one that was 11 years old. New appliances are crap. There are so many other ways I would rather spend $3,000.

      5. Elizabeth West*

        I have a huge Philco from the 1950s. It came with the house. Two burners are out, though (it’s electric), and I had a boil-over that blew the light in the oven. I need to find someone who can fix it.

    2. Bluebell*

      Our Kenmore stove from 1999 has gotten a little fussy, and needed a repair this month that cost $200. Still, I decided to keep it rather than go shopping for something new. It’s plain white, has one low and one high burner and I just don’t have dreams of a new one.

  15. Jess*

    How much is it ok to spend on yourself when you’re in debt?

    I have a lot of credit card debt. I pay off £400 per month and it is tough to manage that amount. But I also spend £100 each month on a gym membership and seperate pilates classes. I have some serious health problems, have tried many other options, but basically pilates with an experienced teacher (so not at the gym, which is more flat stomach oriented anyway) and regular swimming is the best way I’ve found to keep myself healthy and sane and not end up in hospital or in pain. I’ve looked into other gyms and classes and pools, and in the city I’m in this is as cheap as I can make it.

    But it seems like such a ridiculous amount of money to be spending when I’m in debt and pinching pennies, and I’m seriously conflicted by it. Especially when I have a week where I’m travelling for work or everything is going wrong, and I miss a few visits in a row. Has anyone been in this situation?

    1. A Signer*

      I haven’t been in this situation, but do what’s right for your body! Think of your gym membership as an investment. If you’re in pain or in the hospital, I’m sure that makes it hard to work to earn money to pay off your debt.

      1. Turtlewings*

        This. You need to be able to have fun somehow even when you’re buckling down on debt anyway, but in this case it’s even beyond that to a health concern, which is totally different. Since you’re talking about pounds, not dollars, I’m guessing that going to the hospital wouldn’t increase your debt the way it would mine–but it’s still worth significant money to keep yourself healthy.

        1. Jess*

          Thank you, and yes – I was in hospital a few times in 2016 and thanks to the NHS it didn’t cost me anything (other than what I pay in taxes), but the pilates is pretty much a straight choice between keeping up a regular practice or seeing a physio every 2-3 weeks to keep me moving and in less pain, which I do pay for myself (you can get physio on the NHS, but generally not with the hands-on manipulations I need).

          1. tigerStripes*

            You’ve got to take care of yourself, or it might be hard to get your work done. I think taking care of yourself has to be a priority.

    2. JHS*

      I think money spent on exercise and being well is money well spent no matter what. I am also with you that going to the place that specializes in what you want to do can be the only way to actually end up going (for me it’s spinning at a spin studio instead of a gym).

    3. Chriama*

      This is something that you’ve found works for you after years of trying other options. If you were in debt and considering a gym membership to get healthier I’d say wait. But this is something you know is important for your well-being. It would be like wondering if you should continue to pay for medication or something. I think you need to give yourself permission to consider this a necessity and look at other areas of your budget if you really want to cut it down.

    4. Dan*

      I think you need to take a more holistic view of your finances, not just this microcosm. I say this as someone who manages a lot of debt, lives in a high COL area, and does a lot of discretionary foreign travel (read: if I stay home, maybe I could pay off my debt faster).

      First things first, how much of that debt payment goes to interest? The classic “you’re screwed” situation is when that $400 (sorry, US here, don’t have the pound symbol easily accessible) is the minimum payment, it’s all you can afford, and $350 of it is going to interest. If that’s you, then I think you have some hard choices to make.

      However, if your interest rates are very low, then a vast majority of that payment is going to principle, so I think in that case you can relax a little. I’m not a “no debt” zealot like some personal finance people — if you can manage it, and it’s not costing you an arm and a leg, then so be it.

      Your health is worth something. Think about it this way (not sure how UK healthcare works, but…) if not going to the gym means you’re going to the hospital at some point, that’s a real expense that you will pay later. A quick google search indicates that in the US, a night in the hospital costs $2000 and that’s without any surgery. That’s a ridiculous amount of money to be spending when you’re in debt and can avoid it, no? So one way to look at it is your gym membership for 18 months is the same as one night in the hospital.

      The harsh reality is that if you’re struggling in ways that I mentioned in the opening paragraph, everything else is cut to the “bare minimum” (whatever that is) and you’re down to the point where this $100 is the only thing left to cut, then it almost doesn’t matter — you need to increase your cashflow or you will be in a constant struggle.

      If you do have high interest debt, how easy is it to get a lower rate, say through a balance transfer offer? I have about $14k on my credit cards, but they’re at 0% APR for 18 months. I do pay a 2%-4% fee every time I flip it, which is only $560 for the 18 month period. (Conversely, if my debt was at 18% APR, I’d be paying roughly $3800 for the same period. That kind of interest would motivate me to pay mine off much faster.)

      1. Jess*

        Thanks Dan – its all on decent interest rates because I do tend to swap round for balance transfer deals, and its been very manageable up until the last year where my health crashed, I was travelling a lot for work, and I stopped paying attention to what I was spending because I was exhausted and just trying to get through the day. It is at the stage where I really need to get a grip and take a look at what I’ve been spending – for instance, I was basically living off M&S food ( guess the US equivalent might be Whole Foods?) because they do ready meals that are healthy and had lots and lots of veggies and protein and fit in with some medical dietary needs, and I was too sick and exhausted to actually cut up vegetables and eat a healthy dinner otherwise. Everything is much more under control now, so I’m just looking at all the ways I’ve been living beyond my means over the past year and trying to get a grip.

    5. nep*

      Agree with the others — it’s a hell of a good investment to spend resources on what works to improve/maintain your health.

    6. Marcela*

      Not exactly the same situation, I was not poor, but barely making ends meet almost all my life with my parents. Some time I had to work to be able to pay for my university, something that is not very common in my country. Now I do have a good situation and a year ago I started doing pilates. The membership is expensive, a bit less of half what my parents get from their retirement plan (of course, different currency, different countries, it’s not like the comparison is 1:1, but still). Sometimes I feel very guilty, as if paying so much is ridiculous, and I am wasting money that could go towards my retirement money, which in my case is specially complicated since I don’t have any right to anything in my own country, nothing at all in the other country where I lived, and just whatever I can get from now, when I am 40, in the US.

      However, later I tell myself that doing pilates has been a great component in the mind change that helped me to lose 10 kgs in 10 months. I usually hated exercise and did many things for just a couple of weeks. Pilates is the only thing I’ve been able to do regularly, no complaints or excuses to skip a class. I’m paying not for luxury then, but to prevent myself to go into the trap all the women in my family have fallen to, where they become overweight, develop diabetes (a curse from both sides) and serious problems of movility, but refuse to change anything, while complaining about how they are so sick, life is so unfair. I tell myself that I’m not doing pilates to be thin and hot, which I’m not (and pilates is not good for that anyway), but to be strong, flexible and to be able to keep moving when I’m not young. In a family where you’d think just a breeze can knock our elders when they walk outside, from how week and unsteady they look, I convince myself that money is well spent.

      1. Jess*

        Yes! This is exactly it – I have inherited various autoimmune diseases and other health issues from both sides of the family, and trying to stay strong and healthy with a body that seems to be doing its best to kill me can feel like an uphill struggle. Pilates really, really helps with keeping me strong and flexible and pain-free.

        It sounds like you’ve worked very hard to get to where you are now – I’m glad you’ve found something that helps, and thanks for your comment :)

    7. Sarah G.*

      Are you paying for the missed classes? (Based on your concern about missed classes, that was my impression.) If so, is there anywhere that you pay per class instead of for a multi-week session?

      1. Jess*

        I am, yes. Its quite rare round here to find places where you can pay per class – my old pilates teacher let do it after my health nosedived, but that was after I’d been going for a while. After moving to a different part of town I haven’t found anywhere else.

        1. Sarah G*

          Bummer. Maybe if you spoke to them about your situation and asked, they might be willing to give you credit towards other classes and/or allow make-up classes or something? I don’t know, I am of the mind that it never hurts to ask for stuff like that…

    8. TeaLady*

      People have already mentioned about the health benefits (mental and physical) of your gym membership and pilates, so I won’t repeat that. The other thing I would say is that if you are on a tight budget (whether to pay off debt, or save for a house deposit or whatever) it’s easier to stick to that mentally if you have some “fun” money – money that you enjoy spending, and that you get some short term (or longer term, in the case of the gym) reward.

      My partner and I are currently putting the equivalent of 75% of my salary into savings at the moment, as we’re hoping to buy a house soon, but we do still spend money on eating out and cheap (Premier Inn) nights away, because that keeps us sane. Yes, we’d have reached our goal sooner, but we might not be talking to each other, never mind house hunting together :)

      1. Jess*

        Quite right! I think my problem has been that I’ve been a bit too keen to treat myself and not particularly paying attention to finances and only realised a couple of months ago that it had all got a bit out of control. I just need to be more intentional about everything and find the right balance.

      2. Natalie*

        This is so important, and often overlooked in a certain flavor of budget advice. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. You pace yourself during a marathon or you will collapse in a heap and never finish.

    9. Anono-me*

      If you stopped spending the £100.00 on these classes; how much more would it cost each month in medical bills and lost wages? I am guessing quite a lot.

      If things are super tight for you, can you ask at either class location about a barter or employee discount?

    10. Nicole*

      If it wasn’t health related, I would suggest cutting back, but I think health is important so maybe you can cut back in other areas to compensate? For instance, I found buying generic foods to be a huge cost savings and if you don’t like the generic version you can always go back to the name brand, but you’d be surprised at how good most generic foods are these days.

      1. Jess*

        Yes, I definitely need to take a look at my grocery bills! I have a couple of dietary restrictions that mean some staples can be quite expensive for me, but I’m hoping that now various health things that flared up last year are back under control I’ll have the energy to start cooking properly again which will make a big difference :)

    11. Jess*

      Thanks all!

      To be honest I was expecting to be hammered for the question and told that I should just run outside for free etc (I used to, but after several injuries my body just can’t handle it any more). I had obviously forgotten just how wonderful the AAM commentariat is :)

    12. Ktelzbeth*

      I don’t know what you have available where you are, but here in the States we have YMCA and YWCA gyms that can be quite good and may offer sliding scale memberships or assistance. I see that you said that you’d looked around to compare prices, but don’t know if you’ve thought about this or if it exists in your area.

    13. Observer*

      If you were spending that much on a luxury I’d be giving you a verbal slap (at least in my head, probably not to your face.) But, you are not doing that – you are taking care of your basic health needs.

      It’s like a car. Getting a luxury car is never a good idea when you are in debt. And, if you live in an area with good public transport that’s reliable enough for work, you maybe don’t get a car at all. But, if you need a good car to make it possible for you to keep your job you pay enough to make that happen even if it means more money than a cheap egg beater.

      One of the most important skills to keep yourself out of debt is to figure out what you NEED and what you WANT. Staying out of the hospital is a NEED. You simply can’t put it on the same plane as anything outside of food, basic shelter and making your employment possible.

    14. Not So NewReader*

      I do a lot of alternative stuff that costs me some bucks. A friend chuckled, “You have one pair of sneaks but you have all this health stuff that you do.” Yes, it’s trade-offs. I forego the half dozen pair of sneaker so I can have a chiro or whatever. If I am not up and functioning than nothing else in my life is going to go well. I hope you see that the same holds true for you. If you are not up and functioning then you will never get that debt paid down nor meet your other goals in life. Health comes first and foremost.

      Don’t let your guilt about a spending spree through you off course here. You had a spree, now it’s over. We all go off course once in a while, it’s part of being human. Now you are getting back on track. It’s a misplaced use of guilt to allow your spending spree to cut into health care needs.

      I have had great luck with changing my mind set. I decided that my life habit is going to be that I am in a constant state of looking for new ways to reduce current bills. Do one bill at a time. Look at your utility bill, can you do something there? Then look around are there subscriptions that you do not use? Keep looking and make it your habit. I have been living this way for over a decade and I cannot believe I am still finding ways to cut costs and reduce recurring bills.

      I started by questioning the things that could be pulling my health down. Synthetic chemicals were a biggie. So I looked for ways to spend less on chemically stuff. Save money, help myself toward healing = win, win.

      Hold firm to your health priorities. That is your path to having a full life. Look for other ways to handle your debt, don’t cut your plan for your health.

    15. The Expendable Redshirt*

      It’s important to invest in your health, both physical and mental. I see money spent on fitness as a good thing.

      From the financial side of things, it’s a good goal to put 15% of your net income towards debt. If you can use more money on paying off debt (without making your life miserable) that is fantastic. If you aren’t hitting that 15% mark, see what unimportant things you can financially cut out of your life.

    16. JenM*

      Agree with everyone that your health is worth spending money on. In your situation it’s a necessity. Have you spoken to your bank about a possible loan to pay off your credit card. The interest rates on loans are far more favourable and you’ll clear it far faster.

      1. Observer*

        That’s totally not responsive to the question at hand. The question is whether cutting out paying for things that maintain her health fall under “as fast as you can” or can’t.

  16. matcha123*

    I need a bit of advice.
    I met up with a friend from school a few weeks ago when he came to my city with his girlfriend. I’ve only met him a few times since then, and was never interested in him. But this time it seemed like we had so much to talk about. It wasn’t until I got home that I felt like there was something different about this time.
    He’s always been down to meet up when I’m in his city, and there was nothing about those times that really indicated to me that either of us were interested in each other. It seems like he just recently started dating this girl, so I don’t want to say anything to him. But, part of my wonders if I should throw caution to the wind and tell him directly or through mutual friends that I’m interested. There’s no chance of us bumping into each other since we live on opposite sides of the country.

    1. neverjaunty*

      Nope. Unless you have reason to believe he and the girlfriend are openly seeing others and are non-exclusive, leave it be.

      1. crash*

        +1

        This seems somewhat arbitrary, impractical and….. not very nice. It’s not like this is a man you have known for years, just realized you are in love with, and this may be your last chance to let him know your feelings because he just about to get married.

        I used to have female friends who only seemed to “notice” a guy once he was dating other women. Then he suddenly became “attractive”. A challenge? Less tension when hanging out because he is in a sense off the market, so you/he act more like yourselves? Who knows, but it never ended well…. Never.

        1. neverjaunty*

          To be fair to matcha123, it isn’t always about it now being a challenge or competition. It may well be that he IS more fun and attractive… because the girlfriend makes him happier, because he’s improved as a person to the point where he can be in a good relationship, and so on.

          1. matcha123*

            No not attracted to him because of his girlfriend! I was not expecting this at all. We’ve known each other since high school and he’s a citizen of the country I’m in. We’ve met up a few times over the past few years, usually one on one. Those times our conversations were okay, but nothing special. This time was different.

    2. Dan*

      Well… I’m of the mind that unless they’re in a committed relationship, then give it a shot. (Plus, the longer you wait, the harder it will be.)

    4. Elizabeth H.*

      I think it will become clearer after a little bit longer. I’m not hesitant about pursuing romantic connections but I don’t think there’s much to be gained with an open declaration at this point. If the relationship isn’t serious and the interest is mutual he will reach out to you again, find some excuse to be in your area again or will respond favorably to your reaching out to connect as friends. It’s also sometimes the case that you have a slightly flirtatious relationship with someone when one/both of you are attached. It doesn’t have to mean you have to pursue it further but it’s not bad either. I would wait until you meet up again or it becomes more clear.

    5. Bonky*

      Another vote to leave WELL alone. There is something weird about rekindling old school relationships with people of the opposite sex; the feelings can be very intense. I think it’s because it’s not just the person your lizard-brain is having feelings towards: it’s something about youth, opening closed opportunities and nostalgia.

      Your lizard-brain is an idiot. Ignore it.

      1. Lissa*

        Ooooh, not related to the situation mentioned here but that just totally turned on a lightbulb for me about a few things over the years….

        1. Overeducated*

          Me too…as a coupled person confused by a random crush on a very old acquaintance that I have no interest in or intent to act on…that helps with the confusion!

      2. matcha123*

        This is interesting and probably true. We spent a lot of time talking about our time in the US.

    6. Panda Bandit*

      If you were in a relationship, would you want someone homing in on your boyfriend? Don’t say anything until he’s single.

      1. matcha123*

        When I was with my previous boyfriend, he would sometimes tell me about women or female coworkers that approached him. While I understand the sentiment, I’ve always thought that I can’t control what other people think or do. If my boyfriend had wanted to pursue something with one of those other girls, that’s his choice. I’d only like for him to let me know.
        I also realize that my way of thinking about this might not be the norm…

        1. Panda Bandit*

          Of course you can’t control what others think or do. If your partner wanted out they could leave at any time. It doesn’t have to be because of someone else. My point is, don’t be a jerk. The world doesn’t need that.

    7. chickabiddy*

      Maybe it’s just me, but I consider “girlfriend” to be different than “recently started dating,” although you use both phrases. If the girlfriend is really a girlfriend, then I agree that it would be inappropriate to express your feelings. But if they’ve just started seeing each other and there is no exclusivity or commitment, and you’re sure your newfound interest is genuine and not just a case of wanting what someone else has, then perhaps a few well-placed words would not be amiss.

      1. chickabiddy*

        Although, rereading, if he brought his companion across the country to meet his friends, that does imply some level of seriousness…

        1. matcha123*

          It’s a small country. And it sounded like between my area and another he? they? chose my area. He didn’t tell me he was bringing a girl until we’d sent a bunch of texts.

      2. matcha123*

        Interesting, I never really thought of any difference between those words. We are both in Japan and the open dating people do in the US before going “exclusive” isn’t really done here. So, I was never attracted to him before, but hmm… I was surprised at how much we talked and how well it flowed. Of course we brought his girlfriend into the conversation but it was like we were talking to each other through her, if that makes since. He was explaining to her a lot of basic first date kind of things, which is also why I’m feeling confused.
        I then met him a few weeks after that and had lunch with a friend of mine, and the conversation flowed pretty well then, too. I usually shoot him a message when I’m in his area. I don’t know if I’m reading too much into something or not.

  17. regina phalange*

    looking for some relationship advice. my boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship but we obviously don’t want to do this long term. the issue is that we cannot decide who should move where. we are both pretty attached to where we live and we don’t want to make the other person move amd regret it so feel that we just keep going around in circles…

    1. Dan*

      Quite honestly, I’d break it off, and if you don’t want to do that, then at least give yourselves permission to see other people.

      Because you are right. Neither of you want to move, and you *are* just going around in circles. You need to change *something* to give your mind some perspective. If dating around for awhile makes moving to the other person more appealing, then there you go.

      Sometimes people resolve this by saying, “We’ll live in one person’s city for X years, and then move to the other person’s city.” It sound equitable, but IMHO it’s really not. Because in those first years, if someone is established in a career, asking them to give it up and move is a lot, and they may not actually do it. I have a job I really like in a niche industry, and when I date, I have to be up front that I will likely never move beyond a reasonable commute from my office.

      1. Stephanie*

        Yeah, I agree. If you don’t change something, be it relocating to the same place, having a more open relationship, or accepting that your relationship is long-distance (not uncommon in academia), you’ll just be frustrated indefinitely.

    2. Marcela*

      Well, you should not be thinking about “making” the other move. That is straight to resentment. Consider this just the first experience on a series of similar situations, for it is impossible to make a life with somebody and be in agreement all the time (I once met a very conservative guy from my country who told me I should agree with my husband, because that’s what you do in a marriage. I laughed hard at the idea and told him he was being absurd, that was impossible since from the very beginning I could not agree with my husband liking women: I liked men. He was very annoyed with me, but never told me about his silly ideas again). This is an experiment in negotiations and also in what you will do when you don’t want the exact same thing.

      Having said that, I’ve left my life in several occasions to follow my husband. I’ve left my home, my jobs and moved to different cities and countries. Although it’s not easy because you are alone and everything needs some planning, it hasn’t been really difficult for me because my husband has always been aware of the “sacrifices” I’ve made. What I’m trying to say is that even after one of you took the decision to move, the other can’t just pretend nothing has changed, and needs to be receptive to the frustration and difficulties of the one being moved. But if both of you are generous and think of this as something that needs to be done to be able to share a life, you’ll find a way to make it work. Just do not expect to be something easy that can be decided, executed and dealt with in 5 minutes. Relationships are never like this.

        1. nonynony*

          I think the worry with that is then if it doesn’t work out, we’re both worse off rather than just one of us. Not that we want to break up, I know we both really want it to work, but we’re just stuck right now. Sometimes it is hard to move outside of your comfort zone. Also, some of my friends are pressuring me to stay put, which is not helping my stress levels. Not that it is their decision, but still adds to the stress I’m already feeling. How do I make this work and keep everyone happy? Is that even possible?

          2. animaniactoo*

            No. Assume that some people will be unhappy, and think about who has the most right to be happy or unhappy with the decision you make. Who is best served by it and how much should that matter in the big scheme of you being able to make decisions that work for what YOU want to do in life? If people are pressuring you to stay put, I would look at what their concerns are for you moving, how important those concerns are to you, and how you feel that they can be addressed if you think they need to be. Also: Your faith in the people who are having those concerns. Do they generally have *your* best interests at heart? Are they doomsayers about change in general? Is their track record on life matters usually realistic/reliably good?

          3. Dan*

            This is sort of (and I mean sort of) like a couple where one wants a kid badly and the other really really doesn’t want one. What do you do, split the difference and have half of a kid?

            So:
            If you stay put, you are somewhat happy and friends are happy. BF is not happy. (You’re only somewhat happy because while you have the city and friends, you don’t have BF)
            If you move, BF is happy, you are unhappy, and friends are unhappy.

            Whose happiness counts the most? You can’t keep everybody totally happy, but you can maximize total happiness.

    4. animaniactoo*

      Well let’s start with, who is *open* to moving and doing the work to establish themselves in a new place. Because if one of you is open to it, then it’s less “making the other one do it” and more “isn’t as big a sacrifice”. You can be attached to a place and still be willing to leave it…

      Secondly, who could recover better if the move doesn’t work out? Be able to move back/stay in new place/move elsewhere? Does one of you have a job that is more portable than the other?

      One thing I would suggest that I know a lot of people don’t think about is that it tends to be more of a financial burden on the person who is moving. If you work to split those costs as part of a partnership investment in the move, it will feel less like a sacrifice that is primarily on one person. This can also flush out something else… if one of you isn’t willing to contribute financially to the other person doing it, you probably aren’t committed enough to the other person for one of you moving to make sense and you need to be having an entirely different conversation.

      Final thought: Would one of you have an easier time of getting back to “home base” to visit (i.e., it’s closer to an airport or stuff like that) and keep up relationships, etc.? Can you incorporate an active plan of doing that say once every three months or so for the person who does move?

      1. regina phalange*

        We are both open to it, it would be easier for him job wise, like by a landslide. So you’d think that would be enough, but there are other factors going on, unfortunately. If he moved here and it didn’t work out, it would be way easier for him to move back rather than me moving there. Hadn’t even thought about the financial part of this, you do raise a good point.

        1. neverjaunty*

          It sounds like you are talking about this with purely rational reasons (i.e. it’s easier for him jobwise than for you) and ignoring the emotional reasons. That won’t work. People can have an emotional attachment to where they live beyond ‘it’s a good place to have a job’. Relocating is emotionally stressful, particularly when you like where you’re living, and VERY particularly when the reason for moving is a relationship.

    5. Turtlewings*

      If you really, truly decide that neither of you has a better “argument” than the other for staying put… you might agree to just flip a coin.

    6. the gold digger*

      My attitude on moving for an SO is it would not happen without a ring on my finger. (Figuratively. I don’t like wearing rings.)

      And even if you do have the ring (or the Engagement Trash Can) and even if you do get married, the person who moved (me) might be, almost nine years later, unhappy to be living in the new place and wish she could have a do-over. Do not underestimate the value of living someplace you like with an established network of friends and other community. Moving as an adult stinks.

      1. The Grammarian*

        Word. I moved for my partner, after we got engaged, and I miss my old community of friends and family every day. Really consider what you’re doing before you commit.

    7. Gene*

      Being the cold-blooded logic-based person I am, the first thing I’d look at is which move would maximise your collective meet worth. If you both rent, which area has a lower rental cost/cost of living ratio? If one of you owns, would the sale price be enough to buy in the other place? If you both own, which one has more equity?

    8. TeaLady*

      My current relationship was long distance but I moved 18 months ago to my partner’s location after doing 3.5 years of travelling back and forth alternate weekends. So here’s some thoughts based on my experience:
      – your network of friends will change over time. Don’t stay because of them. They may move (most of mine did, several overseas) and/or be less available to you because of their own changing lives
      – parents and family – my parents are aging but fiercely independent. They didn’t want me to stay close to them if it made my own quality of life lower. (They love my partner especially as my last relationship was less than stellar). I’m only 3 hours away if needed
      – partner’s job earns twice what I do and is specialised. In my home city there was not a single opportunity for him. My type of work is more portable so it made sense for me to be the one to move. In the end I kept my existing job and work remotely which was the perfect solution as I love my job and have a great employer and colleagues
      – making new friends as an adult for me is fairly easy – I speak as someone who had hardly any friends as a child/teen/young adult. It’s all about getting involved with hobbies and interests. We set things up so that weekends in the new location (which was new to partner too) we did stuff that meant we met new people. Now I have moved I have joined groups on my own too
      – it will take time to be mentally ready to leave. It might never happen (and that’s okay). It took more than two years before I was ready and then more time before I was ready to talk to my boss about potentially leaving
      – whilst deciding and whilst dealing with the practicalities of moving (if you do) communication with your partner is key. My partner never doubted that I wanted to be with him but knew that I needed to be sure that I was doing the right thing and that I needed to disengage with my old situation so I could put my heart into the new one

    9. Kj*

      That is a tough one, but I think you need to be honest- career-wise, can one of you move more easily than the other? Is one of the cities “better” for one or both of you in tangible or intangible ways? Is your desire to be with each other stronger than one or more of those factors? Honestly, if I wasn’t wild enough about a person to move cities for them, I wouldn’t. And if I wasn’t wild enough about a person to move cities for them, I wouldn’t be with them. That is really harsh in some ways, but depending on age, it might be worth it to break up now while dating is still easy. Also, if you want kids, you might have a clock that is ticking.

    10. Golden Lioness*

      I agree with the other comments above, but just a wild idea… Have you considered (and would you consider) moving to a 3rd “impartial” city so you’re both making the move? That way there would be no unilateral hard feelings on the part of the person that had to move… and going through the same changes may help bring you closer together.

  18. evergreen*

    A friend and I want to take a weekend this spring for a creative writing/drawing retreat. How would you structure such a weekend? Has anyone done anything like this before?

    Also — any ideas for good towns to go within a 3-hour drive of Chicago? Doesn’t have to be fancy or particularly interesting, but at least a couple of good restaurants and a cute area to walk around would be nice.

    1. bassclefchick*

      Madison, WI! State Street is always fun and we have lots of great restaurants. Plus we have a few interesting museums if that’s your thing. Cedarburg, WI is also fun. They have a winery and some interesting shops. It’s called Cedar Creek Settlement. Port Washington is also good, right on the lake and the downtown area has some good shops and restaurants.

      1. Perse's Mom*

        +1 for Madison!

        State Street (pedestrian traffic only (minus police/emergency vehicles and city buses)), leads from the capital building to the foot of the university campus. Lots of good shopping and eating along the way. Depending on when in the spring you’re aiming for, the Farmer’s Market on the Square (surrounding the capital) gets up and running sometime in April.

        Olbrich Botanical Gardens, the Overture Center, Monona Terrace.

        We have a number of smaller, lovely old showcase theatres (the Barrymore, the Orpheum, the Majestic) that get some pretty great shows (both comedy and musical). Plus the Kohl Center and the Alliant Energy Center for major stadium type venues.

    3. ChemMoose*

      Kalamazoo (MI)!! Great downtown, but can be cold this time of year (clearly). Great historic areas, houses, bnbs etc. It’s only a 2 hour drive from Chicago, depending on traffic in Chicago.

    4. Emily*

      Southwest Michigan! South Haven has great beachfront along Lake Michigan and a picturesque downtown with shops and restaurants near the harbor. The more rural areas to the south/inland (Baroda, Three Oaks, etc) have beautiful vineyards perfect for enjoying a glass of wine on the patio on a lovely summer day, as well as a growing number of craft breweries. Red Arrow Roadhouse in Union Pier makes a great stop for dinner on the way to/from Chicago. It’s easy to get to from I-94.

    5. Little Missy*

      Come to downtown Indianapolis! White River State Park is just west of the state capitol. Our canal runs right by the Indianapolis Zoo and White River Gardens, the NCAA headquarters and Hall of Fame, the Indiana State Museum (which has one of the best IMAX screens in the country), the Eiteljorg Museum, History Center, and several restaurants all along the walking promenade. You can take a gondola ride or rent paddle boats or take guided tours at various spots. If you would rather be up at street level, you can head to Monument Circle to tour the Soldiers and Sailors Monument, go east to our City Market, or even further east to Massachusetts Avenue to shop and eat our way up and down the street. http://www.visitindy.com

    2. nep*

      Best: Today — Did something that scares me. Beautiful outcome (as is usually the case when I move past the comfort zone).

    3. animaniactoo*

      Worst: The lingering cold kept me out of work on Tuesday when I got to a stage of being almost all better in the nose and the chest, but was suddenly attached to the bathroom for the rest of the internal organs…

      Best: Going over to my parents for dinner later for make-up latkes since I missed out when I had to skip (for the first time ever!) our family Hanukkah celebration. Still sucks that I missed the gathering and the out of town peoples, but yay my parents are making latkes just for me. 8•)

      1. animaniactoo*

        New worst: Snow prediction was TOTALLY wrong and my latkes just got rescheduled because the 1/2 hour drive has become a “please stay off the roads” situation and taking the train would take two hours with weekend construction, etc. WAAHHHHHH. I want my latkes!

    4. Elkay*

      Best: Both cats got a clean bill of health (one had to have blood tests).
      Worst: Trying to find a new waterproof coat and being reminded that high street shops do not cater for women. Also, I really hate shopping.

    5. danr*

      Best: It’s snowing. It looks like we’ll end up with around 4 or so inches. It looks very pretty.
      Worst: It’s snowing. The snowblower is still in the shed and I’ll have to shovel off the driveway if there isn’t enough for the snowblower. We have a 200 foot driveway.

      1. Mimmy*

        danr – We’re supposed to go into NYC this evening (leaving on the train at 4:35-ish, show is at 6:45 pm). Think the snow will be done by then??

          1. Mimmy*

            I’m in Middlesex County – that’s probably about how much we have as well so far. Still snowing :(

            We’re going to give it a shot, but if the roads are bad, we’ll just come back home. Wahhhhh this was supposed to celebrate hubby’s birthday (which was yesterday)!

    6. Drew*

      BEST: I had LASIK just before the holidays and it was one of the best medical investments I’ve ever made. I haven’t had vision this clear, even with contacts, since I was a teenager. (Close-up vision is in and out, but that’s why God gave us reading glasses.)

      SECOND BEST: Had lunch with a good friend yesterday and we counseled each other about our respective work problems. Plus the food was excellent.

      WORST: Aforementioned work problems. 2017 isn’t starting off in the win column, that’s for sure.

        1. Drew*

          I saved up for over a year, plus took advantage of a $1,000 off end-of-year offer. It’s definitely not cheap.

    7. Graciosa*

      Best: The holidays are over – no more shopping, cooking, or decorating to do – but I left my tree up just because I want to enjoy it for another week.

      Worst: I had a really stressful day at work – probably the second worst in my career – and hit the end of my rope. It’s amazing how thoroughly that can overshadow everything else in your life when it happens.

    8. LizB*

      Best: I am home after a wonderful vacation and I get to see my boyfriend and cat and have clean clothes and occasionally have time to myself (I’m fine with group travel but you get NO privacy).

      Worst: Jet lag, omg. I’ve mostly fought through it by now but I had a rough couple of days.

    10. copy run start*

      Best: Finally figured out my goals for 2017 (paying off my car in preparation for graduating school and paying on student loans again). Got an interview next week for a stretch position, though I am not expecting anything to come of it.

      Worst: Bitterly cold. The cat is sleeping with his butt up against the radiator!

      And my (super cheap) laptop decided the only input it likes is the stupid touchscreen, which I hate. Getting an external mouse and keyboard really defeats the whole purpose though. I still have my gaming PC (desktop), but sometimes a change of venue is good. Not sure what I’ll do yet.

    11. C Average*

      Best: Went for a six-mile run (okay, JOG) and didn’t die.

      Worst: It’s snowing and likely to turn to freezing rain. I see at least a day of mass cabin fever in my family’s future.

    12. Annie Mouse*

      Best: Went bouldering for the first time and did far better than I thought (except getting stuck up the wall once lol) and enjoyed it.

      Worst: Weekend of night shifts, Always throw me for a few days once they’re finished (2 more to go)

    13. Marillenbaum*

      Best: saw Hidden Figures with my mom and it was ALL of the #BlackGirlMagic
      Worst: might need to break up with the guy I’m seeing, and it’s making me mad stressed out.

    14. Elizabeth West*

      BEST: Salon day yesterday; cut, color, and brows. It’s not cheap, but I can’t do the blonde at home and I can go much longer between touch-ups now that my roots are so *koffgreykoff*. I didn’t want to be interviewing with roots because people are judgmental AF. Plus, I feel sloppy when my roots aren’t done. There is pampering in the form of a scalp massage, so I always look forward to color day. Brow waxing, not so much, haha.

      WORST: Barring a miracle, I think I may be done with the possibility of ever getting knocked up. I am devastated and extremely angry that this place seems to have stolen so much from me. Living here has been like being in prison, in solitary confinement–no matter what I tried, I could not find anyone. I really really wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up. And I still have no idea what to do to get out of here. No, I do not want a stupid prescription so don’t even suggest it. I JUST WANT OUT OF HERE. NOW.

    15. Trixie*

      Best: Received a raise this year for additional duties I started a last fall.
      Worst: I had the week off for the holidays but it’s not really downtime since I live with family. I adore them, but really miss living alone. Long story short, it was not a week off of relaxation for me.

    16. Mimmy*

      Worst: Our lovely state transit service didn’t bother posting anything about the indoor waiting area of our train station would be closed. Oh, did I mention that it was SNOWING and 20 degrees outside??! There were huts but they were not heated. We stood out there waiting for the train for a half hour (train was about 10 minutes late). Brrrrrrrrr!

      Best: That we were able to go to our event last night after all (I was worried that it’d be too snowy to travel) and had ourselves a good time. (we’d gone to a Professional Bull Riders thing in NYC).

      Honorable mention: Getting to wear my awesomely warm and fuzzy “hoodie footie” PJs last night that my husband had gotten me for Christmas!

    17. Red*

      Best: I’m getting married on Thursday!

      Worst: Just found out my cat has an autoimmune condition where her own body is destroying her teeth, so she will need them removed. Dangit.

  20. Elle*

    Random thoughts-

    Just started watching This is Us. What a great show! Can’t wait for it start back up on Tuesday! Anyone else watch?

    Started a new diet from a book called The Lose Your BellyDiet by Dr. Travis Stork (the host on the TV show The Doctors.) Love it so far. I’m five days in and feeling better than I have in years, so very hopeful for this being a long term way of life!

    Hope everyone has a great Saturday!

    1. 14 years*

      I watch it. I like it but sometimes it’s weird because as they interact in the present, I keep wishing their past would change. Example (no spoilers): the brothers have some tension but they’re getting better, and then I see them as kids and wish they would be different but they can’t because their present already informs us that they were that way.
      There are definitely twists and turns and I’m never sure if I like certain people.

    2. Kate*

      I watch! I want to know what happened to the dad (jack?). And I, too, wish that they had made different choices when they were younger, but of course if they all made perfect choices the show wouldn’t be very interesting.

  21. Jen RO*

    My cat is finally vaccinated!

    He gets very aggressive when he’s scared, and he’s always scared at the vet’s, so the whole experience was always traumatic for both of us (he had to be restrained in a special cage, he tried to maul everyone and last time it was impossible to move him back to his carrier). Because of this, I hadn’t had him vaccinated for almost 3 years. (He’s an indoor cat, but he likes to occasionally go out on leash, so vaccines are important.)

    Recently, a coworker told me about her vet who does house calls… and today he came by and, in 5 minutes, my beast was vaccinated! We didn’t even need to wrap him in a towel, he barely felt the sting. A weight has been lifted off my chest!

    2. MsChanandlerBong*

      We’re going to look into a house call next time one of our cats needs vet care. He is extremely afraid of any kind of noise, and our old vet had a set of sleigh bells on the clinic door. Every time someone opened the door, the bells would clang and jingle, and my cat would get more and more afraid. The last visit went terribly; he was so riled up from the noise, he was wailing and foaming at the mouth as they tried to check him. He is the most docile cat I’ve ever had, so I know it was the noise that did him in.

    3. Natalie*

      Our vet only does housecalls (she has a vet van with all her stuff) and it’s amazing. The cat hates being transported in her carrier, and would probably be apoplectic if the dog was also in the car with her, so it’s a complete non-starter. And we got good advice on our home setup for both animals as a bonus.

  22. TheLazyB*

    My nanna and grandad both died yesterday.

    They were my mum’s parents and were in their early 90s, and we knew they were both not far from death, and they were sad and scared and in pain… but it’s still so sad to know for certain that I’ll never see them alive again, never be able to send them a letter or get a card from them, all the other nevers. I haven’t cried yet… I want to but can’t yet.

    My dad’s parents died 20+ years ago. Strange to go from 2 grandparents to none in one day.

    They died within a few hours of each other. They weren’t really aware of what was going on and yet I’m sure they both understood they were leaving this life together.

    1. Alice*

      I’m sorry for your loss. It sounds like you had a great relationship with them. And they must have had a wonderful relationship with each other – many many decades together.

      1. TheLazyB*

        They were lovely. Absolutely lovely. And yes, they were married over 70 years and were never separated <3

        They will be very much missed by our large family.

    2. Caledonia*

      *hugs*

      That’s sad but in a way sweet that they are together still. I’m sorry for your loss.

      1. TheLazyB*

        Yes it would be awful for them to be separated. I’m glad they didn’t have to live without each other.

        1. Sled dog mama*

          Yes, it is pretty awful to watch the single surviving grandparent go down hill. My grandparents were married for over 60 years when my grandmother died, expected she had been in declining health for several years and bed ridden for about 18 months. Five years later and my grandfather is still sitting at home mourning her all day everyday.
          And OP, I’m very sorry for your loss.

          1. TheLazyB*

            Yeah my grandma lived five years after my other grandad and it was awful. She just wanted to be with him. I’m glad neither of them were put through that.

            I’m sorry about your grandfather having to live through it :(

    5. TeaLady*

      I’m so sorry to hear that. Even when realistically death is expected, it’s still emotional.

    8. Myrin*

      I’m so sorry to hear that. The way it happened is quite beautiful in it’s poetic…ness? but that doesn’t make the event any less tragic and sad. I’m sure they knew they were loved and would be missed. I’m sending the best of wishes to your and your family.

      1. TheLazyB*

        Her siblings are mostly around now and that’s helping but I think once the funeral is over she really will be :(

    13. Kms1025*

      Really very sorry for your loss…such a bittersweet moment…hug your parents…you’ll all get thru this.

    15. Bonky*

      That’s so sad, but also rather beautiful. I’m glad they never had to be apart.

      I hope you and your Mum, and the rest of the family, are holding up OK. It’s such a difficult time.

    22. Not So NewReader*

      I am so sorry. I hope the memory of their love and commitment to each other fills your cup in some way.

      How’s your mum doing?

      1. TheLazyB*

        Thanks for asking about my mum! She’s mixed, relieved they’re no longer in pain and scared, sad that she’s lost them. I think she’s going to be lost without them; she’s been staying at their house a lot and dropping everything to look after them regularly. I’m not with them at the minute; my sister is currently unemployed so she’s gone to theirs. They’re coming to visit next weekend. The funeral will probably be the week I have a work trip that’s supposed to be overnight but I think I’ll just do the minimum of just half a day. But we’ll see. (I’m just thinking out loud now.)

        1. Not So NewReader*

          When I lost my last parent it felt like a portal in life. I can’t imagine losing both in one day. The world sure looks different without the folks that is for sure. Let your mum know another stranger on the net is thinking of her.

    24. neverjaunty*

      Oh, I’m so sorry. Give yourself permission to work through your loss however is right at the time, whether you can cry about it yet or not.

    25. Jean who seeks to be Ingenious*

      Condolences. I’m sorry your family has lost both parents/grandparents at the same time.
      +1 to what Gene said. You can’t comfort others if you’re collapsing yourself.

    26. Marillenbaum*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. Even when you know it’s coming, losing grandparents is hard.

  23. Red*

    I’m getting married on Thursday! It was going to be a tiny city hall thing with just us and a mutual best friend, but now both our immediate families are coming. They are also asking me to wear a dress, lending Mr. Red a suit, buying us a bouquet and wedding rings, and planning lunch after. I love all the enthusiasm and love involved and wouldn’t trade it for the world, but dang, this is stressful! I just wanted to marry the dude and call it a day. Anyone have any wedding planning horror stories to share? Because I know in the grand scheme of things, this is nothing.

    1. Confused Publisher*

      Congratulations from another Thursday bride! My husband and I wanted to elope, but in the end, our immediate families attended, which I’m glad of, but my MIL made me have an expensive dress (that I paid for) and a bouquet and other paraphernalia, which I’m not glad of!
      In the end: I married the person I want to spend my entire life with, and that’s all that matters. I hope that’s what you’ll come away with too.

      1. Red*

        I’ thinking htat’s exactly how it will be :) I love my guy and I’m excited to be his wife! It’s just the actual marrying him thing that’s turning out to be more of a mess than I thought it would be.

      2. FormerLibrarian*

        Thursday here too! Me and my sailor got married in the courthouse (so we could get the housing allowance started) and then four months later we had a church wedding, technically a Confirmation of Vows. The courthouse ceremony was only about an hour from walking in to apply for the license to walking out married, and it was just the two of us. We had family, friends, the dress, (husband in a kilt and charlie) the cake, the reception for the church service.

        1. Red*

          See, that’s actually very close to what I wanted! Just sub in a pavilion in the park for the church, and you’ve got it! Even right down to the kilt! I honestly have no idea how we got so far from that…

          1. FormerLibrarian*

            Family get involved and then it just grows.

            I ended up with three bride’s maids instead of two because a few months before the wedding my baby sister was talking about it with school friends and when they found out she wasn’t part of the wedding party they got all indignent and starting demanding to know why she wasn’t. So of course she suddenly wanted to be part of the wedding (having not cared at all up to that point) and my mother get to make another dress. Thank heavens it happened *before* we went into New York to buy fabric!

            1. Red*

              I ended up having a maid of honor because my guy’s sister has always wanted to be one so I wanted to let her live her dreams and it makes no difference to me either way – I didn’t necessarily plan on having guests; what do I care if they have titles or not? So that’s a thing.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            Start putting your foot down and saying no. I have always thought of weddings a pre-marriage test or exercise. Just as adulthood means setting boundaries, marriage means even more setting boundaries. Say no to anything further. Tell them that if they keep asking you for more and more they will be UNinvited.

            Seriously.

            I had my wedding to satisfy my MIL. She left early, took the cake (literally) and she was never satisfied. My wedding day became the day my husband and I NEVER spoke of. I guess people had an okay time but to us it was horrible. It was so far removed from what we wanted and the person we were trying to please was not pleased.
            So, please. Now is the time to get comfy with the “no” word.

            1. Red*

              I’ve been saying no! To lots of things! Maybe not all of them, but a lot. I swear, the F bomb used to be my favorite word, but now “no” is. It’s perfect; it saves my sanity and is a complete sentence all on it’s own.

              I feel like that’s the way my future MIL will be if I let things go unchecked – steamrolling and displeased. She said earlier that when we told her about the city hall ceremony it wasn’t enough time for her to plan. Well, that’s because we went and planned it already, the way we wanted it. You are welcome to invite yourself (kinda), but you are not welcome to invite yourself, tell us our plans don’t suit you, and make new ones for us! It ain’t about you! What the actual F.

              1. FormerLibrarian*

                I heard of a couple where the bride’s parents started planning a wedding which grew. And grew. And grew. As things got closer the couple sat her parents down and asked them flat out how much they were planning on spending on the wedding. The parents named a (way too large) figure, and the couple suggested a deal. The couple would plan and pay for the wedding themselves and the money that would have been spent on the way-too-big wedding would be a wedding gift since it was enough for a house downpayment. At least in that case the mother was thrilled to not have to do any planning and instead be able to just sit back and enjoy the day, and the couple got the wedding they’d actually wanted.

                I suppose you could try to sell it to her this way, that she can just enjoy and be a guest, but sadly, it sounds like your MIL-to-be wants the hassle of planning. I’ve always been somewhat guiltily releaved that my husband’s parents had both passed before we met so we only have one set of in-laws/grandparents’ drama to deal with.

                1. Red*

                  She definitely seems to enjoy the planning. I enjoy her doing it; I want her to be happy, too! I just want her to stick to adding to my plans (with lunch and rings and the like) instead of changing them completely (the wedding is staying at city hall and that’s that). That’s where I’ve drawn my line, and I’m almost glad she suggested crossing it because now it’s location is public knowledge.

      3. J. F.*

        The dog ate my wedding cake the day before the wedding. Also my sister didn’t come and it has been 12 years and by god I am still kind of annoyed.

        Happy wedding! It will all be over soon!

          1. J. F.*

            It was a lab, of course.

            I will always cherish the memory of standing out in the field setting out tables and chairs (we got married in my parents’ 3 acre back yard) and looking up to see my mother dragging the dog outside, screaming, followed shortly by my father with a smoking skillet that was forgotten in the excitement. Mom made another one, it was delicious, and we’re still happily married almost 12 years later.

        2. Red*

          Ha, that’s just so comically awful about the cake and so totally something that would be my luck. Thank you for that story! I’ve come to the conclusion that Thursday will be the best day ever for two reasons: One, I will be marrying the guy I love, and two – it will all be over and people will (hopefully) go back to thinking I am a person capable of handling my own life.

    2. Drew*

      Congratulations!

      It sounds like your families want SOME kind of pomp and ceremony around the wedding but are trying to respect your wishes to keep it small and low-key. As you say, it could have gone a lot worse.

      1. Red*

        Thank you :) That’s basically how it was going, but then Mr. Red just got a call from his mom that she wants to move the wedding from city hall to a banquet hall and hire a justice of the peace to come out and ugh. No. We planned it the way it was because we liked it the way it was.

        1. Drew*

          Argh. Time for the “Look, we told you as a courtesy, not because we actually wanted you involved” speech?

    3. Dan*

      I sympathize with the wedding stress. When I got married, it was just a family thing in the winter, and HARD to find an appropriately sized venue. Read: One that didn’t cost too much.

      So, ex and I got married in Las Vegas. It was actually a really nice time, albeit no Elvis.

      The horror part? Thankfully, my soon-to-be-MIL was scheduled to fly in two days ahead of time, because she got too drunk at the airport before her flight. Not only did they deny her boarding, but they arrested her and took her to lockup. (Random aside: I used to work for an airline, and I have no idea how bad you have to get for 1) The gate agents to call the cops, and 2) For the cops to actually lock you up.)

      BTW, her mugshot from that even is on mugshots.com.

      1. Red*

        Oh my god, that is such a disaster! Based on the airport behavior I’ve seen, you would have to get so horribly drunk for that to happen that I would worry about one’s safety! Thank you for sharing that :)

        1. Dan*

          You’re welcome. I forgot one of the better parts: Ex knew what time mom was supposed to arrive, and as time dragged on, she became more and more of a wreck. Finally, I looked at her and asked, “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” (Response: What actually did happen.) Now, my ex could be a little over dramatic and exaggerate things, so I leaned over and said, “Honey, why does that come to mind?” (Response: It’s happened before.)

          That was a very entertaining time in my life, and one of the (many) reasons we split was she couldn’t draw healthy boundaries between her and the rest of her dysfunctional family.

    4. Ruffingit*

      At my first wedding, it took place at 11 am with reception to follow. The cake maker somehow got confused and thought the reception was at 5pm! So, the cake was being baked as we said our vows. Reception was awful, not what I wanted at all and ended up with my sister leaving early (no loss there) and once my husband and I left the venue, apparently my brother-in-law (married to aforementioned sister) threatened to punch my mother in the parking lot. His fist was stopped by the husband of a good friend of my mother’s. My sister is still married to that guy, he was physically abusive to both her and her son from her first marriage so he’s just an all-around peach. No longer speak to said sister (not because of wedding thing, but it sure contributed).

    5. Loopy*

      I don’t know if this will be helpful or not, but I’ve also started tracking my food/nutrients and so far it’s been pretty easy to stay under things like fat/saturated/fat/carbs/sodium, unless I *really( splurge and treat myself to something crazy like pizza/ice cream. However, I always go over sugar (mine is set at 28g/day) without fail. Sometimes before lunch.

      I’m not even close to as healthy as you, but I’ve always wondered why ever other limit seems feasible and sugar seems impossible. I guess I’m just trying to say it’s definitely not just you struggling with the sugar intake/limit!

    6. Hattie McDoogal*

      Congratulations! Your wedding sounds a lot like mine – husband and I initially planned to get married at our place and had a really small guest list but it somehow swelled to 20-ish people – mostly it was my dad guilting me into inviting various people (or outright inviting them himself, behind my back). Plus my husband’s divorced parents, who hadn’t been in the same room as one another since the divorce was finalized decades ago, both showed up. We had assumed his dad wouldn’t come since it was really short notice and he lived out of town, and this was only a few days before the start of the 2010 Olympics here so hotel rates were pretty high. FIL and his new wife ended up staying at ours the whole time which meant that we had to get a hotel that night ourselves (I’m can’t remember how the argument went on that one…). Ultimately the whole thing felt really weird and awkward – we should have either put our feet down about the small number of guests, or said “eff it” and thrown a proper wedding with a reception and a slightly bigger guest list, but we just wanted the whole thing over and done with.

    7. Robin*

      Hubby and I did the courthouse marriage, and although our parents were all totally cool with the small, simple plan we still didn’t tell them until two days before. Hubby’s out of town parents were flying in and we proposed that we all have lunch with my parents as they hadn’t met and we were engaged. The day before they flew out, I called my parents and let them know we had an errand at the courthouse to run before we could go get lunch… and the lightbulb went off. Hubby did the same. Both sets of parents were thrilled anyway, but we wanted to avoid a big wedding and any of the helpful advice/strong arming that seems to happen when you get married.

      We ended up hiring a photographer and taking photos with our parents and photos of the ceremony, and then we all had the promised lunch afterwards. I did rent a white dress and Hubby did buy a suit (he needed a new one, anyways) but we recycled a paper bouquet and borrowed jewelry and definitely did it our way. Our version of the bigger celebration will be a BBQ-style first anniversary party this summer.

    8. Natalie*

      Not a planning story per se, but my mother was an hour late and missed the ceremony entirely. Frankly I should have expected it, which is why she wasn’t involved in the planning!

    9. Chaordic One*

      I’ve told this story before and while not a horror story, luckily, I still think it was very weird. At a wedding I attended I thought it strange that I didn’t recognize the ushers. They were well-dressed in suits that matched the bridegroom’s and best man’s, they were all handsome, extremely fit and muscular men who looked to be in their late 20s and early 30s.

      After the wedding and reception I found out that the ushers were actually bodyguards hired by the groom, just in case a certain embarrassing relative known for making scenes were to show up. Luckily the embarrassing relative did not come, but if he had come, they were prepared for him. An ounce of prevention…

    10. Sophie*

      Congratulations! At my sister’s wedding, my mom’s uncle drove over his wife’s foot and the paramedics had to come and take her to the hospital. This was done outside of the reception hall, so no one knew until after the wedding. I just knew that my mom disappeared for a while, but didn’t know where she was. (She was with her uncle.)
      Meanwhile, my aunt was having a diva moment and threatened to sit in her car for the reception, so my mom had to then run over by her and coerce her to get out of the dang car!
      My dad, (God rest his soul.), got so drunk that my mom and brother had to practically carry him out of the reception hall, into the car, and then inside the house at the end of the night.

      If or when I ever decide to marry, I think I might elope!

  24. Taylor Swift*

    I’m moving from one apartment to another next weekend and I’m kind of paralyzed by all the packing I have to do. Anybody have any good strategies for packing? I don’t even know where to start.

    1. New girl*

      I go room by room. Start with the smallest, so usually the bathroom. I get overwhelmed so I try to do a little each day so I don’t get too stressed.

      2. Marillenbaum*

        Seconding this advice! It makes things so much easier. Also, feel free to just throw stuff out–what you spend on replacing some things is easily worth the peace of mind that comes from not having to pack it.

    2. anoncmntr*

      Don’t try to make a big plan of it, don’t worry about where to start (unless you think it’s absolutely necessary because you have two-trucks worth of stuff and only one truck, for example). Just grab a box and start with that shelf right next to you — put everything in it, label the box, and go do something else. Have trash & recycling bags next to you so you can toss anything you want to. But the thing to do is not make a big deal of this, just put everything in a box and move on. Remember that you can edit your stuff (rearrange, toss, set aside to give away, reorganize, etc.) as you *unpack* in the new place. Plus it will feel great to have something ready to go!

      Oh and set aside really important papers that absolutely can’t be lost to go in your purse/backpack the day of so you’re not worrying about where they are later.

      Good luck!

    3. Sir Alanna Trebond*

      I was overwhelmed earlier this year, and ended up starting with books because those were the easiest things to pack. Once you open the dam, so to speak, everything goes a bit easier.

      I would actually recommend packing up your bathroom last thing, and then make that the first room you set up in your new apartment. I hate the crazy mess when you’re in the middle of moving in, so I always completely set up the bathroom on Day 1 so that there’s one room that’s an oasis of sanity. And the bathroom is small, so it’s really fast to set up.

    4. Alice*

      Label things, even if it’s just by writing the contents on the box, with a box number, then taking a photo of it. That will take some of the stress out of unpacking.

    5. Red*

      Go room by room, and toss things as you go. If you don’t use it, don’t pack it or you’re only going to make your life more difficult later. If you keep your clothes on hangers, it’s best to just leave them on if you can, because it’s a lot of weight rk otherwise. Just grab a handful of hangers, cut a hole in the top of a trash bag to make something similar to one of those dry cleaning bags, and put that over your clothes. Also mark every box with where it belongs. I find it is best not to mark it with the contents because then I’ll never get around to unpacking the ones with infrequently used contents – I just need to grab a box, open it, and dive in.

      1. Red*

        I meant that it’s a lot of work to remove things from hangers and put them back. Sorry, I’m on my phone!

        1. Red*

          Oh, that’s brilliant! I had no idea! I just get my boxes from work lol. Everything comes in a box, nothing leaves in a box, then I take the box.

      3. Ktelzbeth*

        If you don’t want to get wardrobe boxes, strap the hangers together in carriable bundles with your belts or rope.

      4. Shannon*

        I leave everything on hangers and tie together every 8-10 hangers with a rubber band. This makes it so, so much easier to pack, unpack, and transport your hanging clothes!

    6. Perpetua*

      I moved a couple of weeks ago and here’s what helped:
      – putting books (or other heavy yet not too large items) in suitcases
      – putting clothes together with their hangers in garbage bags (without taking them off the hangers)
      – labeling boxes both on top and on the sides
      – purging as much as possible before the move
      – dreaming of the great feeling I’d have once I’d unpack everything at the new place :)

    7. Former Frequent Mover*

      Pack things you will need right away (daily kitchen items, bedding, a change or two of clothes) and label and keep track of those boxes – or even put them in a suitcase instead of boxes, so that you can quickly find and set up the essentials in your new place and proceed with unpacking at a sane pace, instead of searching desperately through every box for the coffee grinder on your first morning.
      Get a box of contractor bags, make a hole at the end and feed a bunch of clothes hangers through (with the clothes on), pull the bag down over them and then tie the open end at the bottom under the clothes – keeps clothes together, and even if some slip off the hanger they at least don’t fall out.
      Good luck!

    9. Christy*

      Strategies:

      -pack books in small, sturdy boxes
      -pack a cleaning supplies box and label it really well and make it accessible in case you need it. Include paper plates and plastic cups and utensils. And bedsheets and a towel! And a phone charger. Maybe this should be two boxes
      -don’t worry about packing your clothes, really. If you can take the dresser drawers out of your dresser, you can just haul them as-is, maybe Saran-wrapped. You can just put clothes on hangers in a trash bag still all hanging on their hangers. (A clothes hanger box is really awesome, though.)
      -pack fragile items in your linens and towels (and casual clothes)
      -label your boxes really well and move the boxes towards the door for ease on moving day. Ideally, keep a numbered list of boxes and where they’re supposed to go on moving day.
      -if you can afford it, don’t bother moving things like half-used food containers
      -when you’re not sure if you should get rid of it, get rid of it. Moving is the best time to purge your belongings
      -if you do purge and you know you’ll have to replace items, keep a running list
      -if you have to unassemble things to move them, keep everything you need to reassemble (including hardware AND tools) packaged together and ideally taped to the item. (I’m thinking like, metal bed frame)
      -pack up as much as humanly possible ahead of time
      -the morning of the move, disassemble your bed and move it to the front door. It’ll have to be the first thing on the truck.
      -consider the move an opportunity to buy good storage containers. For instance, if you want to store your bed linens in a plastic tub, buy a plastic tub and use it for the move
      -if you are considering moving a cheap target bookcase, consider not bothering and just replacing it. They’re $30, easy to assemble, they take up a lot of room once assembled, and they aren’t very high quality anyway. (I say this as the owner of six of them.)

      I have lots of moving day advice but that’s a start.

    10. Mallows*

      You can save a ton of time with breakables in a couple of ways. 1) seek out the liquor store boxes that have the cardboard dividers in them – some have a dozen little separate compartments, for example. Glasses can go in there. Put dishtowels or washcloths on top. 2) For other fragile items, if you are like me and are more interested in speed than organization, nestle them in boxes of linens or clothes.

      If you have access to the new place already and it isn’t so far away that this would be onerous, take some stuff over there now (assuming you don’t have movers)

      Good luck. I’m moving cross country in 3 months and ought to be taking advantage of this snowy day to purge and pack, but it doesn’t seem to be happening somehow.

    11. LadyKelvin*

      I don’t go room by room, even though that’s what most people tell you too do. I’m thinking too all over the place for that. I get a few boxes out and walk around the house gathering all my knicknacks and photos, etc and put them in their designated boxes. So I guess I go by category rather by room. I also keep a box out to put random stuff in as I come across it so I can remember to organize it and pack it in the right box later. I usually have 3-4 boxes being packed as a time so that when I see something it goes in the right place or the “to be packed later” box.

      Also, wardrobe boxes are good for transporting clothes on hangers, I don’t recommend the trashbag method because trashbags are not going to hold up in transit until you take them separately and you’ll end up with a bunch of dirty clothes when you move in. Also wardrobe boxes are good for big bulky things like trashcans, laundry baskets/hampers, etc that are light but bulky.

      I also don’t recommend transporting clothes in your dressers because 1. movers won’t allow you if you hire movers and 2. if you are DIYing it, that makes the dressers super heavy and hard to move. Not exactly what you want to make your move easier.

      In the kitchen, pack a few heavy things in a box then fill the rest with light stuff like tupperwear so you don’t end up with very heavy boxes or half-full boxes. Also you can use your dish towels, bath towels, other linens, etc to wrap your breakables which will cut down on packing material costs.

      -Source, 8 moves in 7 years and our 9th coming up in a month.

    12. Al Lo*

      I start with bookcases, because they’re easy to do quickly, and it looks like I’ve accomplished something right away.

      Coloured tape to label boxes by room. Especially if you have people helping at the other end, they can unload right onto the proper room.

      Always have a roll of plastic movers’ wrap. It’s a lifesaver for things like packing decorative baskets or boxes with no lids, bundling artwork together, or closing unsecured items ( for instance, the piano bench with music inside gets wrapped shut, so the music doesn’t have to be taken out, packed, and put back later).

      When possible, I try to have people over within about 2 weeks after moving, so it forces me to deal with the unpacking and getting the house in shape for company right away.

    13. Anono-me*

      Congratulations

      It can be expensive, but movers will also pack everything for you. So you can hire help or use the thought of how much money you are saving as modivaton for packing yourself.

    14. copy run start*

      I’ve only moved in town, so I don’t know if my advice is relevant outside of that situation.

      I always start with a massive purge, evaluating everything before I even pack it. Does this book need to be moved, or can it be donated? Same with furniture that’s not gonna work out, old clothes and other detritus. No point in moving something you don’t need!

      For big electronics: always save the box if you have room, and label where the foam/cardboard inserts go in relation to the device (like “left-front”). Much easier to drop the TV back in the box, pop the box in the car and then carry it inside without worrying about bashing the screen in at every step, plus the box is made for carrying and protecting your device. And it’s already clearly labeled for you. Put any screws or remotes or cables in plastic baggies and label those too (“screws, remote, cables for living room TV”), drop in the box or tape well to the device if the box is missing.

      I keep a different box with the tools needed to assemble and dissemble anything getting moved. I recommend just picking up a set of those allen wrenches at the store so you won’t be screwed if you’ve lost the exact one. Actual screws and bolts and parts stay with the item though, just like with electronics.

      For other stuff: I pack as I go. Books and DVDs are easy to start with, but also easy to overload a box with them. So I make them the foundation of several boxes, and as I see things, I find a box they fit into. I don’t really have enough stuff to forget what’s in the boxes though. You may want to categorize by room, or label the contents in some fashion. I leave the essentials around until the last minute and make that the last trip so if I need to stay the night in the old place again, I’m not bringing things back.

      1. urban teacher*

        Use different color index cards to label boxes. It’s so much easier to tell movers, the green labels go in the kitchen. Plus you can write everything you packed in the box on the card.

    15. Rubbery Dubbery Smiles*

      * Pack anything important — papers you’ll need right away, medicines you take, toothbrush/toothpaste/soap, etc.– in a backpack or small suitcase & take it over yourself so you can find it in the chaos.

      * Same goes for bedfing & clean towels, except you need a larger suitcase. I usually change the sheets on my bed a couple of days before the move. The day of, I roll up the mattress pad around the sheets & pop them into a suitcase. When I arrive, I just unroll it all & put them on the mattress.

      * I buy those colored stickers that they sell for yard sales and color-code the boxes by room (yellow = kitchen, etc.) Putting 3 stickers on a box — one on the top & one each on a long and short side — makes it easier to find them when carrying them into the new place. I also put one sticker on a blank sheet of paper and attach it to the doorway of the appropriate room.

      Hope this helps! And good luck with your move. :)

    16. AcademiaNut*

      For me, I tend to use moving as a chance to clean out as well. So I start with a couple of big boxes or baskets – one for donate, a couple for recycle, one for garbage. As I pack, stuff I don’t want to move gets pitched into one of the bins. Then I get the boxes, labels, a couple of markers, and lots of tape and a tape dispenser.

      Books (and DVDs and CDs) first. They’re easy, and get me into the groove of packing. Then clothes and linens that I won’t use during the move – I fill up all my suitcases with these. Then I tend to work by room or type of item – kitchen stuff, knick-knacks, tools, etc. filling up boxes as I go.

    17. MsRoboto*

      Consider purchasing real moving boxes from u-haul or other place like that and packing tape. They sell dish boxes those can really help packing the kitchen. It is easier to pack a truck or car if the boxes are sealed. Even if you only buy a few and use liquor store / grocery store boxes for non-breakables a few good boxes are helpful.
      Get clean newsprint for packing not newspapers. Bubble wrap as well. All of this will cost a 100-200 but will save you knowing that you packed the breakables well.
      Label everything at least by room.
      When I moved with professional movers out of state they packed (company paid for this move) and they start in one corner of the room and work their way around. It can be helpful when you open the box and know it’s this bunch of stuff that you had together.
      Keep a cordless drill / screwdriver and bits available to take things apart.
      That’s all I got for now.

    18. tigerStripes*

      If you have a lot of books, either pack them in small boxes or pack a box with half books and half clothes or something light.

      Save the essentials for last and put them in the new house first so you can get to them. Soap and the kind of soap that works w/o water can be crucial.

      If you have pets, it’s a good idea to keep them in 1 room when you’re moving and then move them to a new room in the new house.

      Mark the boxes on at least 2 sides. It’s usually easiest if you put things in boxes based on which room they’ll be in in the new house.

    19. NiceOrc*

      No good hints for packing (I always start with good intentions of sorting and not packing rubbish, but by the end I’m just shoving everything into random containers!) but for the other end, do make sure you know where your kettle is, plus tea/coffee making supplies, cups, spoons, etc. This has been a lifesaver for me!

  25. New girl*

    I know this has been discussed on here before but how does a 20-something meet new friends? I like meeting new people and every since I’ve graduated college it feels more diffcult and to add to that I feel as if I have no hobbies that take me out to meet people.

    Ugh I turned 25 on Wednesday so I think I’m having a shot of quarter life crisis.

    1. JHS*

      I think the best way is through activities. Can you join a local kickball or dodge ball team? Do you like yoga or spin? I always seem to meet people that way. There’s also usually a ton of meetup.com groups doing interesting things that you could check out for your area. Good luck!

    2. Puffle*

      Fellow 20-something here, what worked for me was joining meetup.com groups. I joined some activity clubs (martial arts, board games), and while the people there were all very welcoming, I didn’t seem to make any friends because usually they were much older/ much younger than me and all we had in common was the activity. I still do martial arts, but usually once the hour is up we all just go home.

      I think the thing with meetup groups is that usually by definition they’re full of people who are also actively looking for friends/ social groups. Also I was able to find a meetup group that does a variety of activities each week (cinema trips, trampolining, bowling, karaoke, picnics, etc), so I can pick whatever suits me and there’s always something social happening. I’ve found some good friends there, but it did take me a little while and I had to go to a number of events until I got to know people.

      The person who set up the meetup group that I go to most often actually established it because there was nothing similar in our area at the time. She’s gone from about 5 members to about 150 members in 18 months- mostly 20-somethings looking for friends, which I think goes to show just how many of us are in this boat.

      Good luck!

    3. Marillenbaum*

      I think the best thing is to ask yourself what you like to do, and then see if there is a way to do that thing that will allow you to also meet people–like joining a book group, or signing up for a wine-tasting course.

    4. Kj*

      Get some hobbies! What have you always wanted to try? If you are in a reasonably-sized city, there will be a class or a MeetUp for that. Husband and I board game, started doing it through MeetUp, now play with friends in their or our home. Beading classes helped me make friends. If you are active, there will be a group run or group cycle or boot camp class that suits you. Group that meet regularly and have the same people in attendance usually are better for making friends.

      Also, can you ask friends to introduce you to other friends? Could you host a party and ask friends to bring other friends? That is a tried and true way to expand social circles. Also, is there anyone at work you click with? I have a good friend who I met when she was an intern at my work (I was not her supervisor, just an employee who worked there). I asked her if she would like to come to a gathering and we hung out there and have been good friends since. Do this one with care, but it is a pretty normal way to make friends in you 20s.

  26. sugar intake*

    This is a silly question, but when it comes to daily sugar intake, is it still bad if most of those calories come from fruits and vegetables?

    All the food tracking apps I’ve tried to use say not go past around 30g of sugar a day, but I’m always waaaay over that. Usually at 50g or 60g. The thing is, most of that comes from fruits and vegetables. The only thing I eat with added sugar is morning creamer in my coffee and that’s only 1 tablespoon. Everything else is meat, beans, whole grains, fruits and vegetables. Occasionally I’ll have some yogurt or cottage cheese, which I know has more added sugar, but they’re not common staples in my diet. Or maybe once a month some hot chocolate if I really want something sweet. But mostly I stick to fruit when I have a sugar craving.

    So, I’m wondering if going way over the daily sugar allotment even though it’s healthy food and not junk with added sugar is still bad for my health and prevents weight loss?

    1. Christy*

      Honestly, you can eat too much fruit, but it doesn’t sound like you’re eating a whole watermelon every day. (I do that in the summer, basically.) Too much fruit can inhibit weight loss.

      But really, what’s the alternative here? Fruits and vegetables are good for you. If you are satisfied by them, that’s a good thing. Like, to me, cutting down on fruits and vegetables is a path to feeling deprived which leads to way worse decisions.

      That said, if you’re eating a ton of potatoes every day, or corn, maybe adjust that somewhat.

    2. danr*

      Yes. it counts. You can discount the sugars in vegetables, but very sweet fruits can add up. And look at that creamer. How much of the tablespoon is sugar? You may be getting more than you figure on.

      1. sugar intake*

        The creamer only has 1g sugar per tablespoon and I measure that carefully so I don’t go over it. That’s really the only added sugar I can think of since I don’t use oils/butter when I cook, just spices, and I don’t eat bread or pasta often (they’re like a couple times a year food), so it really is mostly meats, vegetables, fruit, and whole grains on a daily basis. The creamer is the only processed food I eat.

    3. fposte*

      Yes, fruit counts. As does the natural sugar in dairy (it’s pretty unusual IME to find cottage cheese with added cheese, so I suspect you’re just seeing the natural sugars;). The sugar in fruit hits you especially hard if any of that is fruit juice or dried fruits rather than whole fresh fruit.

      I don’t know that the food tracking apps are right about there being a hard ceiling, but in general, we haven’t evolutionarily had access to a lot of dietary sugar even in fruit or dairy–the ability to get bowls of raspberries every day in the year is pretty new. So I suspect they base the number on what a diet without unusual additions of sugar, not just processed sugar, would be.

      1. sugar intake*

        It’s always fresh fruit, and aside from a morning cup of coffee, I only drink water.

        I think maybe you’re right. Based on what I eat, it’s 3 cups of fruit and 3 cups of vegetables a day and the only processed ingredient I use is the creamer, which is 1g of sugar. I don’t cook with oil or anything since I steam or roast or sautee most of the fool (or boil if it’s beans or quinoa), so I can’t really fathom why all whole foods are causing so much sugar each day.

        2. Observer*

          Well, it seems to me that you don’t really understand how this stuff works. The fact that you don’t use fats in cooking makes no difference to your sugar intake – the two are totally different things. Fats will add calories, of course, but that is a different issue. Also, if you are actually sauteing food, you ARE using fats, even though just a small amount.

          It sounds to me like you need to get a better handle on what you need on daily basis – how much sugar (whether natural or added), carbohydrates, fiber, protein and fat. Most apps tend to be very broad brush, so you may not be getting information that’s appropriate for you. Also, you need to think about your weight – do you need to lose weight or are you good and just trying to maintain your current weight. That affects what your intake should look like. The other piece of it is how active you are. If you sit a whole day, you should be eating less of everything, whereas if you are a triathlete, you are going to need a lot more of some things. You need to find where you fit in all of this.

    4. Stephanie*

      Yeah, it counts. Dried fruit is a huge sugar and calorie bomb. My grandmother was diabetic and I remember lots of fruit was a no-go.

      Assuming you’re not eating a pound of grapes a day, I would take a really good look at what you’re eating. Things like bottled dressing or pasta sauce can have added sugar.

      1. sugar intake*

        I really don’t eat anything processed like dressing or pasta sauce. So, a normal meal would be coffee with one tablespoon of creamer and two eggs for breakfast, 1 cup cut strawberries and 10 almonds for a pre-workout snack, lunch is usually some type of bean or quinoa salad with vegetables and no dressing and an apple/banana/pear, dinner is a piece of roasted or sauteed meat with spices (I avoid the oil/butter when cooking) and a side of vegetables and lentils/quinoa/beans, and dessert is usually a cup of fruit (cantaloupe, berries, grapes, etc.).

        So, overall, it’s probably about 3 cups of fruit and 2-3 cups of vegetables a day. Which is what is recommended, but somehow I still seem to be going over the sugar allotment. The creamer I use only has 1g of sugar per tablespoon and I measure that out so I know I’m not going over a tbsp.

        1. fposte*

          Overall, it sounds like you’re on a pretty healthy diet–a lot healthier than average–and 30g is a pretty low threshold, so I suspect you’re looking at some pretty intense guidelines. 1 banana and 1 cup of cantaloupe can be enough to put you above 30g right there.

          So I’d say the question is what you’re looking to achieve with a 30g limit and whether it’s worth it to you.

          1. sugar intake*

            Diabetes runs in my family, through my mum’s side. My mum had gestational diabetes, but neither my parents nor my siblings have it, just some of my mum’s siblings and uncles. My doctor says I’m fine based on my heath, but I’m just worried about it all the same because I seem to have gotten all the health problems in my immediate family that are a result of genetics and not lifestyle.

            I do think you’re right about the intense guidelines, but whenever I put my weight and height into any of the health sites or apps, 30g is always what they give me and that’s what a nutritionist had recommended a few years back, so I think that’s why the number has always been stuck in my mind?

            1. Observer*

              Well, these apps and sites are really, really general and often have no real relationship with what actual diets look like. And, there is a difference in where / how you get your sugars.

              I would suggest two things. One is to start looking at the glycemic index of foods. That measure how the sugar in food is released in conjunction with how much sugar / carbohydrates there are in that food.

              The other is to visit a good dietician / nutritionist who can work with you on what is appropriate for you, given your lifestyle and genetics.

            2. fposte*

              I would trust my doctor over a health app. And now that I’m looking around, I’m wondering if the health app maybe did mean added sugar–the American Heart Association has one of the stricter U.S. recommendations and it’s 24 grams of added sugar a day, with a clear distinction between the natural and the added. (I know it’s not based on a diabetes risk, but I thought it was interesting.) Harvard’s School of Public Health has a big diabetes prevention program and I think they’d be thrilled with your diet (and also point out that you need to keep active and not smoke).

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Is the person who recommended the diet also involved in how the app works?
          It sounds like the hang up point is the three cups of fruit.

          The advice on what to eat does not match the app. You could go down to half a cup of fruit or skip one or two servings of fruit to get the right reading on the app. However, if you are doing this with a doc or other person check with them to see what they want you to do.

    5. Loopy*

      I don’t know if this will be helpful or not, but I’ve also started tracking my food/nutrients and so far it’s been pretty easy to stay under things like fat/saturated/fat/carbs/sodium, unless I *really( splurge and treat myself to something crazy like pizza/ice cream. However, I always go over sugar (mine is set at 28g/day) without fail. Sometimes before lunch.

      I’m not even close to as healthy as you, but I’ve always wondered why ever other limit seems feasible and sugar seems impossible. I guess I’m just trying to say it’s definitely not just you struggling with the sugar intake/limit!

    6. MsRoboto*

      I started tracking in myfitnesspal this week. Happy New Year to me.
      Anyway the sugar goal for me is 53g a day on a 1500 calorie food plan. I don’t know how they come to this number but generally they are pretty right on these things.
      So 30g might be kind of a low guideline.

    7. Mephyle*

      It counts, but not the full value, as long as it’s fresh, whole fruit, not juice or dried fruit.

      Why? Because when you eat the whole fruit, you’re also taking in all the fiber and bulk. A cup of juice contains 3–4 apple’s worth of juice, and you can drink it easily and quickly, whereas you’d be unlikely to eat that many apples at a go, and even if you did, it would take longer and leave you much fuller (and less likely to eat something else as well). When you eat the whole fruit, the sugars are also absorbed slower than if you only drink the juice. Dried fruit, in turn, has a much more concentrated sugar content than fresh fruit, with obvious consequences.

  27. Alinea*

    After 11 years I’m thinking not taking birth control anymore. I’ve already discussed this with my doctor and she gave me the okay so I can stop whenever I want. I’ve been with my partner for 7 years, married for three, and we want to start a family in the next year or two or three. We’ll see :)

    Anyway, I want to know what your experience was like once you stopped taking BC. Did you lose/gain weight? Skin changes? Mood changes? Etc.

    1. Jen RO*

      I was on hormonal BC and I was extremely happy with it (had to stop because of high blood pressure). Two things happened when I stopped : my acne and my moustache came back :( I have a very mild case of PCOS, which probably explains it.

      I haven’t seen any changes in terms of mood or weight.

    2. Mallows*

      My periods changed for the worse. They aren’t horrible like they were when I was a teenager, but they are definitely much more of an Event and require more forethought in terms of vacations, activities, etc.

    3. AlaskaKT*

      I was on hormonal birth control for several years, when I stopped I didn’t have any noticeable changes except that I got pregnant immediately! I wasn’t trying to get pregnant, just had to wait before I could get my next form of birth control since I hadn’t had a period in about 8 years and wanted to make sure everything was still working right. Got the most obvious conformation that it was! :)

    4. Lemon Zinger*

      I was on the pill for three years before I got off of it several months ago. I lost about 10 pounds without realizing it (not that I was trying or needing to lose weight). Unfortunately my skin has been… troublesome. I’m not as zitty as I used to be before BC, but it’s not great. I think my better diet has been helpful. Dairy makes me break out like no other– you should consider giving up dairy for a while to see if it helps your skin!

      My libido was pretty much dead on the pill and it’s still slow to return. However, my feelings feel a lot more real and deep. I didn’t realize how much the pill had dulled my senses.

    5. Anonynon*

      I had to go off for a few months due to insurance issues- and I’ve taken it for about 10 years.

      My most notable change was my libido skyrocketed. Which was inconvenient as we had family temporarily living with my SO and I >_<

      1. Totes Anons*

        I’ve been wanting to quit my hormonal birth control to see if it effects my libido (mine is super low, which is frustrating). I would love for it to skyrocket (no family living with us fortunately!)

        1. Jen RO*

          As another data point, it didn’t happen to me after I quit BC. Turns out my libido is naturally low!

    6. Candy*

      I went on the pill at 17 and stopped when I was 35. I didn’t notice any weight gain/loss or mood changes but I did get a bit of acne on my back at first, but it cleared up within a month or two (either on its own or because of the tea tree body wash I started using). Before I never had cramps and now I do, but just on my first day and now my period only lasts two or three days instead of four or five which feels like a fair trade-off.

    7. Clever Name*

      When I went off birth control, the things I remember the most are getting more acne, having pms, and having heavier periods.

    8. all aboard the anon train*

      I’ve only gone off it once since I started taking it at 18 (so, 12 years), and I lost 10 pounds of what I assume was water weight immediately. My libido went up, my food cravings went down, and I felt generally happier and more engaged.

      All my endometriosis symptoms came back in full force, though, so I went right back on the pill ASAP. I’m on it for the endo, but I have such a love/hate relationship with birth control. I’m so glad it’s available and women don’t receive as much shame for being on it, but I really do hate some of the side effects and how they’ve messed up my body and state of mind.

    9. Alinea*

      Cool, thanks for all the replies!

      I’ve also had super low libido for years and in the last 3 years, the week before my period I just get so irritated. I feel like, is this really me? I felt like this was my body telling me it was time to stop.

      I love the consistency of knowing when my period is going to happen and it lasts 4 days. I can skip it if I want to (Dr said it was fine and I’ve only done this a handful of times). I don’t like the lack of libido and the range of emotions I experience sometimes. Of course, this means I could get pregnant at any time. I’ll be real with you, internet friends: it will be interesting to go back to condoms as I don’t want to (theoretically) get pregnant right away.
      I already downloaded a period tracker, so I’m hoping I’ll still be very consistent. Fun times.

    10. Briefly Anonymous*

      I’ve been on-and-off for several years. I’ve found I have a higher libido off of it, but the hormone swings really exacerbate my fibromyalgia and I wind up feeling awful for at least two weeks of the month. But even before fibro, I had very uncomfortable and LONG periods. So BCP for me. Also, off of birth control I found I had a lot more discharge, and less vaginal dryness overall.

    11. Elizabeth West*

      I went back to cramps and heavy flow, but I’d been on it so long that by the time I did, my periods weren’t as bad. Instead of six days of misery, it was more like five days with only two really bad ones.

    12. DefinitelyNeedtoBeAnonymous*

      I went off it without discussing it with my doctor, which…well, who knows if that’s cool or not haha. But I did it.

      I was getting almost daily headaches, and was so frustrated that I just said, I am stopping the one thing that could be doing this. I no longer get daily, or even weekly headaches. I rarely need my migraine pills. Worth the (very minor) issues.

      Month 1: Tears. So much emotions. All the emotions. Stopped once I got my period, and was back to normal. No skin changes, no significant weight gain, etc. My uh…interest in sex grew significantly.

      Month 2: No more tears. Anger. All the anger. Also stopped once I got my period, and am now back to myself. No skin changes, no significant weight gain, etc. Same with interest for anything regarding sex.

      Month 3: In progress. No major emotion fluctuations so far. No skin changes, no significant weight gain. Same sex interest.

      1. Epsilon Delta*

        I started taking BC about 10 years ago, but I have been switched between so many brands and types of pills that I don’t think my body really “got used to” any one of them. I let my birth control lapse a couple of times, ranging from a few weeks to almost a year, and I didn’t notice any changes even during that long stint, except that I had to remember when my period was likely to come!

  28. Wendy Darling*

    My tonsils have blown up like balloons and I am, once again, cursing my luck that there was a backlash against removing tonsils when I was a child because mine should have gone.

    Other than hot tea and gargling with salt water, does anyone have a favorite sore throat/swollen tonsils remedy?

    1. Confused Publisher*

      Hot water with ginger and honey. Lots of honey. And I hope you feel much better soon.

    2. Buggy Crispino*

      Get ’em yanked!!

      Seriously, though, I just had my tonsils out about 18 months ago, and though it was kind of rough having them taken out as an adult (an old one at that!), it’s been one of the better things I’ve done. I didn’t realize how awful they made me feel, but now that they’re gone I’ve been quite aware of the illnesses and pains that I have NOT had.

      1. Wendy Darling*

        I REALLY want to have them removed but my doctor says they don’t do it on adults unless they have 4+ Horrible Swollen Tonsil Incidents a year. I have 2-3 a year. The really bad part is that I have a really, really narrow airway generally, so swollen tonsils make me feel like I’m choking the whole time.

        What was the recovery like for you? I’ve heard it’s terrible…

        1. Lemon Zinger*

          Might be time to visit a different doctor, probably an ENT. It sounds like your tonsils are really impacting your life in a negative way; getting them out would make you a lot happier and healthier!

            1. J. F.*

              Yeah but sometimes there’s a loophole for chronic conditions. Or the ENT can massage whatever prior auth is required. I second the ‘maybe see an ENT!’ Good luck!

              1. fposte*

                Oh, yeah, definitely both/and it. It’s just sometimes useful to find out from insurance why they balked if it was them.

        2. Buggy Crispino*

          I had 2-3 upper infections a year, but not always my tonsils. I got a ton of “sinus infections.” I also had deep pockets behind the tonsils, so I got these awful things called tonsil stones. I think the pairing of the two issues is what convinced my ENT doc to do the removal.

          The surgery wasn’t too bad, had an 8(-ish) AM appointment, and I was sent back home by 2 PM. The first 3 days I had decided that either the world was full of wimps or that I had the worlds highest pain threshold. I didn’t realize that I was so full of narcotic pain killers that I just wasn’t aware of the pain. Days 4 through 14 were a lot rougher and I was convinced I had made a terrible mistake and was going to die! I had it done on a Friday and took the entire following week off work. One thing that I found out later, though, is that when most doctors take you off the narcotics, they generally give you some kind of topical throat spray they call a tonsil fire extinguisher (which I never got!) So I think the pain management can be handled better if you’re aware there are options.

          One of the things that was the worst for me was that the surgeon decided to reshape my uvula (though we never discussed it). Even after the pain was gone, I felt like I had a piece of scotch tape stuck on the back of my throat. That actually took a few months to go away – even though it stopped hurting early on, the annoyance was almost enough to make me insane.

        3. Observer*

          It sounds like a visit to an ENT is in order. This doesn’t sound too normal. Also, there might be something you could try before surgery – but an ENT is much more likely to know that than you GP.

        4. neverjaunty*

          Get a new doctor. It’s one thing to say they don’t take tonsils out of healthy, unaffected adults, but ridiculous to say that you have to put up with 2-3 horrible incidents a year and you’re one short of when they will allow you to have them pulled. FFS.

        5. Bluebell*

          My sister had her tonsils removed at age 19. It was painful for her the day after but seemed to recover pretty quickly after that. Good luck if you go ahead with it.

        6. Security SemiPro*

          Tell your doc they are wrong and get them out!

          Recovery as an adult is awful. It’s still the best thing I’ve done for myself, health wise, as an adult. I’ve gone from catching every thing to only getting sick rarely and when I do I get better faster.

          I had my sister stay with me for recovery and spent it high as a kite and eating popcicles. It was survivable, but not particularly fun. If you are over 25, I’d suggest two weeks off work.

    3. Lore*

      For me, if it’s not strep, Advil sometimes helps a surprising amount. Swallowing them past the inflamed tonsils is of course awful but after that… also last winter when I had the flu and horribly swollen tonsils they gave me 48 hours of steroids. This is apparently not the best idea as a rule for other reasons but it was a miracle at the time.

    4. Marcela*

      My husband used to suffer from inflamed tonsils all the time, and somehow we were starting to get used to the idea that he needed them to be removed, when he discovered he had tonsil stones. They are small pieces of calcified material that form in the tonsils and can produce bad breath, pain when swallowing and even ear ache. They can be removed with a water flosser, and since he is aware of them and now keeps the area under surveillance, he hasn’t had any problem at all.

    5. Jen*

      Before bed I like to gargle with ice cold vodka, it seems to numb my throat long enough to fall asleep. I keep a glass of ice on the bed stand for when the throat wakes me back up in the night, it’s usually cold enough as plain ice/water that I don’t need to get up for anything else as long as I’m mostly asleep

      1. Wendy Darling*

        I actually got into the whiskey. It’s helping and I’m way less upset about my awful tonsils because I’m tipsy. I regret nothing!

        1. Marillenbaum*

          I firmly believe in the medicinal powers of whiskey. My old college roommate’s mother used to advise gargling a shot of ice-cold gin, but then they were hard-core WASPs and gin was like air to them.

          1. Wendy Darling*

            I’m feeling much better today so I am heartily endorsing the whiskey. Even though I’m pretty sure this is a virus and I’m just over the hump generally now… WHISKEY.

        2. Jen*

          Ha! That’s the spirit ;) if you combine it with your tea with lemon and honey it’s almost medicinal. Rum in neocitrine is nice too, assuming your liver can handle it and you haven’t had any acetaminophen. On a more preventative note I used to have chronic bronchitis and I found that vitamin d and fermented cod liver oil help me prevent some infections and seem to lessen the impact (no pneumonia, or multiple courses of antibiotics), if your doctors won’t support surgery maybe you can get them to at least support prevention somehow?

    6. Chaordic One*

      Not just any old hot tea, but there’s a kind called “Throat Coat” that is made by a company called “Traditional Medicinals” that is very good. I found it at my supermarket, but it is in the department with the over-the-counter medicines, not with the ordinary tea. It is very good, soothing and kind of sweet to the taste and it does sort of coat your throat. I think that you might also find it in drugstores and in health food stores.

      I’ve also heard about some people who gargled with peppermint schnapps and they said it helped, although I would be worried about mixing it with any other medicines that you might be taking and having a bad interaction.

  29. 14 years*

    I really want to move to Australia. Anyone know how easy or difficult that process is? Like visa wise or finding a home? I always wonder too “but where would you work?” I’ve worked in an office for years in admin, so it’s like why would any company there go through all the paperwork and hassle just for a low position, you know? Maybe I could change fields-it’s so frustrating wanting to change and not being able to.

    1. Catface*

      I’ve done it, but there was already a job in place and they gave us housing until we found an apartment. Visas should be easy; Australia likes visitors. I had no trouble getting an open-ended work visa once I was in the country.

      Depending on where you go it can be very expensive to get set up. Apartments don’t generally come with all the appliances, for one thing.

    2. ScarlettNZ*

      I don’t mean to be the voice of doom but it’s not actually that easy to immigrate to Australia unless you are in an occupation which is considered a ‘skilled migrant’. There are options for temporary work visas and working holidaymaker visas. If you take a look on the Australian immigration website you’ll find heaps of information (I won’t post the link as it will get caught up in moderation). Good luck!!

    3. Rebooting*

      One thing to be aware of is that the housing market in Australia is terrible right now, unless you want to live out in the country. My place cost $400K eight years ago; it’s doubled to $800K now. Renting is a crapshoot, depending on what city you’re looking at; you’re not going to find anything without having to have flatmates in Sydney unless you can afford a very high rent, for example.

  30. LadyKelvin*

    Any tips for selling things on craigslist or ebay? We are selling all of our furniture on craigslist and a bunch of books (textbooks) and other random stuff on ebay and we just are not getting any hits. It might be the time of year where no one is moving/buying used furniture, but we’ve got photos and pretty cheap prices since we really would just like to get rid of the stuff. We’ve also done our due diligence and looked at what everyone else was selling their stuff at and priced it similarly. Part of the ebay problem is that we have to charge for shipping and most places don’t, but some of the stuff will cost more to ship than what we are charging, so we aren’t going to pay someone to take our things.

    1. Nicole*

      I haven’t have much luck with Craigslist but I have with the OfferUp app if you have a phone. I like that you can post something once and it stays in the app indefinitely without having to renew it, plus you can chat in the app with people who are interested in your item.

      1. SophieChotek*

        I second OfferUp especially for larger pieces like furniture that will be more local sales. My mother has been downsizing and sold some larger pieces on OfferUp for decent prices.

        I’ve sold stuff over the years on eBay (not a lot, maybe a couple hundred things in total), but they are all smaller items that one can post.

    2. Aphrodite*

      I do pretty good with CL when I sell something but my intent, like yours, is less to make money than to get rid of it quickly.

      First, I assess the piece objectively. Is it really something someone would want, or do I just have an attachment/history to it? Is it in nearly new to very good condition? (Many things that are “good” or “fair”get put in the free section or given to my favorite thrift store, but I am not hesitant to toss them either.) What is the absolute lowest price I would take for them? I price my items to move quickly because I do not like negotiating. I will leave the ad up for one-two weeks. Then if the item hasn’t sold, I’ll take it off for a week or so and then try a second time, maybe even lowering the price. If there’s no sale that time I remove it from CL and donate it to the thrift store.

      Second, good pictures and good description. Try for good lighting, several angles, close up (on fabric if it’s upholstered), and then in your description leave out anything irrelevant to the buyer. What you paid for it and what you do with it falls in that category; the fact that it belong to your late beloved grandmother is irrelevant. Just the facts: size, manufacturer, age, color (be as specific as possible; if it’s white is it snow white, creamy white, off white, white with beige, etc.), length, width, depth, type of material or wood, and note any damage at all. Any! Has it been in a home with cats, dogs or other pets? And if so, did you clean it thoroughly? How? Do pets get on the furniture or has it been covered? Has it been in a smoker’s home even if the person never smoked inside? That smell smokers have on their clothes and in their bodies does transfer to upholstered furniture as any non-smoker can attest.

      Third, if you are firm on your price say that. Don’t get negative and say “no lowball offers,” just politely note the price is firm.

      Fourth, give an idea of where you live by using the cross streets section on CL. That will let people know if they are willing to make the trip.

      Fifth, give times when you are available to meet such as “5:00-8:00 pm on weekdays and all day Saturday and Sunday. Weekdays are do-able if you can come to [my workplace] from 9:00-4:00.” Be as flexible as you can.

      Sixth, be prepared. People flake out. Do not hold it for anyone. Also, if it’s furniture, can you bring it outside shortly before the potential buyers come? Letting people in your house can be a risk. Take care to protect yourself and your home (and children and pets). I close all window coverings before anyone comes over. If someone has to come in, close doors to other rooms. Remove anything that is valuable and put it out of sight. Make your house boring and never do this alone.

      I’ve never had a problem nor am I worried because I take standard precautions–and I think that’s sufficient. You can often pick up cues about the people from the way they write their emails, especially their initial one. Good luck!

    3. Claire R.*

      I’ve sold a bunch of things on Craigslist and eBay, though I’m no pro. Things go quickly on Craigslist if you offer them for free or a pretty deep discount: people on there are not interested in paying even what a thrift store would charge, unless your items are extremely in-demand. Pricing your stuff the same as what other sellers have it for doesn’t always work, since you don’t know if they’re actually able to sell it at that price. And the season does matter; more people are moving and need furniture in the summer than the winter, unfortunately.

      Maybe if you just want to get rid of it, donate it to a charity thrift shop? Some will even come pick up large items for you.

      1. LadyKelvin*

        Yeah we will eventually donate the stuff that’s left. We have about 2 months before we move so we decided to start selling the stuff now and see what happens. But we’d like to get something for it because we are selling all of our furniture and will have to buy new after we move. Plus the move is expensive and my new job is only going to cover about half of it.

    4. Stylish Entrepreneur*

      I do quite a bit of online selling, though mostly women’s clothing on Poshmark. I actually buy things to flip, and follow a bunch of other eBay sellers on Instagram. One of the biggest things they stress for success is clear photos, and key words. Your key words make or break your sale, because people will search for what they want, and so you want to be using the right key words. Another thing is listing consistently to get the most activity, but if you’re just cleaning out things you no longer need, then obviously that may not work for you. Also, try adding the shipping cost info your price, and offering “free shipping” – this is mostly a mental trick to make people think they’re getting a better deal when they’re paying the same thing.

      Other venues to consider may be Fulfilment by Amazon for books, or Facebook Marketplace & Buy/Sell/Trade groups.

    5. AliceBD*

      Another option to consider is Facebook buy/sell/trade groups for your area. I know a lot of people who choose those over Craiglist when buying because they are connected to the person’s Facebook profile, so that seems safer.

  31. FDCA In Canada*

    On a better note: I got a food processor for Christmas from my parents! I’m pretty excited and I’ve been hunting down recipes to try with it that I couldn’t properly do before (or would involve a metric ton of grating, like potato pancakes and coleslaw). This goes nicely with one of my new year’s resolutions to branch out in my cooking more, so I’m pleased!

    1. What do you use your food processor for? So far I’m on it for grating vegetables, making pastry dough (still need to practice there) and making hummus/dips, but anything else I’m missing?

    2. Favourite cookbooks or recipe blogs? I’m a proficient-but-not-fantastic cook, and my go-tos are Smitten Kitchen, Budget Bytes, and the ever-popular “Google what I want and find the top result that looks promising.” And randomly surfing around Pinterest. Where do you find your recipes?

    2. Stephanie*

      Serious Eats is good, although I’ve found they have a lot less content.

      Cookbooks: anything from America’s Test Kitchen is good.

    3. animaniactoo*

      1) Graham cracker pie/cheesecake crusts….

      2) recipes mostly from epicurious.com, foodnetwork.com, allrecipes.com. I really want to get the Food Lab cookbook by Kenji Lopez-Alt who writes for Serious Eats. I have a range of cookbooks, so I can’t really say that I have favorites, but rather favorites in categories. For newer/expanding cooks, my mom really likes giving Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything.

      1. Wendy Darling*

        How To Cook Everything is SUCH a good first or early cookbook because it’s just so versatile. It’s not my favorite but if I come home from the farmer’s market with something I don’t know what to do with it’s what I go to. It does exactly what it says on the tin — it tells you how to cook everything!

      2. CAA*

        I got The Food Lab for Christmas, and I find I’m slightly disappointed. Most everything that’s in the book is also on Serious Eats, which I’ve been reading for a long time, so there’s not much that’s new.

    4. LadyKelvin*

      Taste of Home cookbooks are nice because they are submitted by readers so they have at least made them, and many are tested in the Taste Home Kitchen as well. I also use my Betty Crocker cookbook for all the basics. It’s a great resource. If you are into baking (bread, sweets, basically anything that goes in the oven and uses flour) I can’t recommend the King Arthur Flour Baker’s Companion. I use it almost every day. It is more than just recipes, it has explanations for why you do everything and how to do all the weird things that recipes call for.

    5. Dan*

      Hm. I have a high end blender and a KitchenAid, so the food processor is mostly redundant. The KitchenAid, plus its attachments, are definitely not cheap. But, I live by myself in a small place, so really, the food processor would take up extra space, and while the blender is small for mimicking a food processor, it’s adequate for one or two people.

      One thing my blender likes to advertise but I haven’t tried are nut butters.

    6. Wendy Darling*

      If I could only have one electronic device in my kitchen, it would be my food processor. (If you got a Cuisinart, check the blade recall list! No metal shards in your food!)

      I use it to make things like pesto, grate cheese, chop garlic if I need loads, and make things like breading for meats. I also use it for soups and sauces sometimes (it’s not as good as a proper blender but I don’t have a blender). It’s also great for making pizza dough — kind of kneads it FOR me!

      As far as cookbooks and recipe blogs, I second the recommendation of Serious Eats. I can also heartily recommend The Food Lab, the giant cookbook by one of the guys who works on Serious Eats. It’s great because it explains *why* certain things work the way they do, so you can apply that knowledge elsewhere.

      How To Cook Everything by Mark Bittman does not contain the best recipes in the universe, but all the ones I’ve done have been solidly good and it does tell you how to cook EVERYTHING.

      If you like Indian food I have really been enjoying Made In India by Meera Sodha. She also has a blog with lots of recipes if you want to try before you buy. She makes Indian food really accessible — the book does a great job of explaining what various things are and how they’re used.

      If you don’t mind getting books from England, Nigel Slater has some nice books of quick-cooking meals and I like them a lot for weeknights.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, I hadn’t heard of him, and I like the sound of his stuff–it also looks like he’s been published in America in editions that Americanize the measurements, for people like me that don’t want to deal with figuring out the conversions.

        1. Wendy Darling*

          I actually got a food scale a while back so I do everything by weight when I can, and it changes from metric to imperial with one button-press so I cook like 50% metric and 50% imperial now (SO is from a metric country and brought cookbooks).

          I also am always a little nervous about the measurement conversions because I’ve read reviews for a few cookbooks where weights were converted to volumes shockingly badly. (Grams to ounces is not so bad but grams to cups gets hairy…) Sometimes I get the UK versions of cookbooks on purpose.

          1. fposte*

            Some cookbooks written in American measurements are shockingly bad without even conversion to blame :-). I probably wouldn’t bother with a converted baking book, but I’m figuring this won’t be as fussy.

            But I’m also weirdly intimidated by baking in imperial, for some reason. I think I’ve gotten so accustomed to the wobbliness of volume that weight seems very exacting, and also like I’ll make a much bigger mess that way. I’m impressed that you switch between the two.

            1. Wendy Darling*

              I find weights super easy and I like it because I have to clean less things. I usually just set whatever bowl I’m chucking stuff into on a scale, tare it before I add any new thing I need to weigh, and dump the desired ingredient straight out of the container into my bowl until it hits the right weight.

              Also means I can sift flour straight into the bowl rather than try to sift into measuring cups, because how do you EVEN.

              With cooking as opposed to baking you can definitely afford more wiggle room. Although I did memorably attempt a shepherd’s pie recipe that called for less than half the quantity of potatoes actually required to cover the pie, and had to send my SO on an emergency potato run. I hate it when clearly no one has tested a recipe before I got to it. :/

        1. Wendy Darling*

          I have on occasion realized I was out of panko and just dropped a slice of bread in the food processor.

    7. Nicole*

      I don’t use my food processor too often, but I like it for making homemade hashbrowns. I also use it for baking, particularly when I’m using oatmeal instead of flour since I have to grind it up for the banana breakfast muffins I like to make. Since it’s already dirty at that point I use it to puree bananas and add the other wet ingredients instead of mixing by hand.

    8. bassclefchick*

      I got a food processor for Christmas, too! I resisted for a long time because I didn’t want another appliance taking up space, but I used it to make a recipe from The Outlander Kitchen (yup, based on the books by Diana Gabaldon) and I love it.

      Food Network almost always has recipes that require a food processor. Try Alton Brown’s recipes.

    9. ChemMoose*

      I don’t know what type of food processor you got, and if it was new or not – just be careful if it’s a Cuisinart made 2015 or earlier. They had a recall on the main slicing blade. Super easy to get it replaced though.

      1) I make a vegan meatloaf (made with lentils), and cheese crackers.

      2) minimalistbaker.com; pinterest is awesome.

    10. Triceratops*

      Veggie burgers! Makes it suuuuper easy to blend up beans + onion + garlic + other veggies into a paste that you can bake or fry.

    11. AdAgencyChick*

      I make sauces with it quite often. Pesto is super easy, and if you add a little more oil to loosen the sauce up, you can then mix it up with raw shrimp, bake for like 10 minutes, and voila! A tasty main dish! Also a nut butter-like stuff to put on diced roast beets — basically, you saute your favorite nuts (I like pistachios) and a smashed clove of garlic over low heat with olive oil, add salt, put that in the food processor, and mix the resulting sauce with the diced beets. SO GOOD.

      Also cauliflower “rice” — great for low-carb diets, and hell, it just tastes good. Cut the cauliflower into florets and process it down to rice grain-sized pieces, then saute for a few minutes with a little bit of oil. I could never accomplish this without a food processor!

    12. New Bee*

      I make fresh pasta and grind my own meat (e.g., chicken breasts/thighs) for meatballs. I also use it for breaking up vegetables (like butternut squash) after I roast them for soups. Sometimes I’ll even add the broth/cream and make the soup in it (I freeze a lot of soups and it’s easier to leave then a little chunky and then add more seasoning and use my immersion blender when I’m ready to eat).

    13. Mephyle*

      Unbaked vegan cookie dough balls – the kind made with ground nuts and ground dried fruit. There are uncountable recipes out there.

  32. AlaskaKT*

    Has anyone here been on TV? My husband and I have the chance to be on a reality TV show, and I’m not sure about it at all. We are in serious discussion with the producers and there are a lot of benifits, but I’ve never wanted to be on TV (and wouldn’t even watch us if we were on!).

    The only thing that’s kept me from flat saying no its it’s just one episode, then their done. I think I can handle a few weeks of someone following me around, but not longer than that!

    1. animaniactoo*

      I haven’t been on tv, but I do watch a bunch of reality tv. I think the main con is how prepared are you to deal with the assumptions that will be made about you? Misunderstandings about who you are and how your relationship works, and what people might say along those lines? How prepared are you to have people who have slightly more than mild interest to look into your background and find that one of you had a 2.5 gpa and barely graduated high school or some such publicly-ish available info? And be talking and broadcasting and spreading those kinds of things?

      1. AlaskaKT*

        This is one of my main issues. I don’t particularly want strangers interested in our day to day to the level that tv seems to bring.

        1. animaniactoo*

          For a one-episode thing (you are one episode in a series, it just happens to be following you that week rather than someone else?), it’s a lot less likely to happen to an uncomfortable level and anything that does is likely to blow over in a few weeks from what I’ve seen… on the other hand I am also not someone who obsessively follows or has more than a passing interest in the lives of people I watch on reality shows. So I could be underestimating that. I don’t think so based one what I do find when I occasionally trip over something I want to check out and Google for more info. Content/presentation matters. The more simple documentary like/less entertainment like it is, the lower the “public interest” in you as people is likely to be. If you’re familiar with MTV shows at all, people features on TrueLife are a lot less likely to garner extra interest than people featured on Catfish. That kind of thing.

    2. Stephanie*

      I haven’t, but a friend of mine is on a reality show. I was a bit worried, but I watched an episode and no one was throwing mimosas in anyone’s face or similar.

      Talking to her, I would just say be very clear upfront about what the show can and can’t film and clear everything with your job/spouse/family. She said she was very explicit about what could be filmed and had to clear a lot of things with her job before she agreed to do the show.

    3. Dan*

      Yes. I was an extra several times on CNN’s Burden of Proof show with Greta Van Sustern. There were only six extras, so it’s not like it was a whole crowd to blend into.

      Would I want to be the star or otherwise have a prominent role on a TV show? Hell no, at least not on a reality TV show.

      1. Alice*

        I ask because I can imagine a lot of bad outcomes that make me cringe – not necessarily likely outcomes I guess – and the benefits aren’t really coming to mind. Unless you all are performers or, I don’t know, chefs?

        1. AlaskaKT*

          We live remotely off grid, the show wants to help us make some upgrades to our property that are otherwise out of our budget for several years.

          1. AvonLady Barksdale*

            Friends of mine had their backyard landscaped by a show on HGTV. The results were gorgeous, and everyone promptly forgot about their appearance on the show. If you’re on a competition show or a candid show with one cast throughout the season, it’s a little different than doing a one-off episode in home improvement– less intrusive, and people care less. Unless you’re outrageously horrible, like Amy from Amy ‘s Baking Company. It’s a matter of 42 or 22 minutes of prying into your life vs. 15-22 episodes of the same. If it’s the former, the benefits may outweigh the disadvantages.

            1. Alice*

              That does sound pretty significant. It sounds from some comments below like you’ve watched episodes – so you can get a sense of how professionally (or how kindly) the producers and the audience treat the participants. Good luck if you decide to go for it. And also if you don’t.

          2. Triceratops*

            Yeah, I think one episode of an HGTV-style show is not likely to incite a lot of interest into your background.

            I would still be mentally prepared for the possibility that otherwise innocuous footage might be cut to add some ~drama~ to the show. For example–You: “Should we get this thing?” Spouse: “I’m not sure. It might be too much so I don’t think so.” Becomes–You: “let’s get this thing” Spouse: “I don’t think so” *cue dramatic music and shots of either/both of you looking annoyed*

          3. the gold digger*

            Friends of mine in Memphis had their family room re-done by one of those shows. It turned out great and I don’t think it was too stressful for them, but then, it was about the redecorating and not about my friend and her family. I would never want a TV show about me personally – I hate being on camera and I want to control my own narrative.

    5. Cath in Canada*

      Some friends of ours did a home makeover show a few years ago. The wife was very worried that they’d edit it to make her look like a controlling nag, but they ended up editing it to make her look reasonable and her husband look like a lazy bum :D (the truth, of course, is somewhere in the middle, but somewhere in the middle doesn’t make for a great narrative).

      Before their show aired, they were all over Facebook saying things like “remember: nothing is real in reality TV” (which is true – the decision shown in the show is not the decision that they actually made). I think they were genuinely worried about how it would affect people’s opinions of them, but it was fine. Super weird to see people you know and a house you’ve been in on TV though!

      1. AlaskaKT*

        I’ve been worried about editing as well. The show isn’t particularly flattering for the people I’ve seen on there (they do need to “rescue” us after all). But if they put a well in for us, that’s a 10-20k expense. That would be something that would be worth looking like idiots on tv for.

        1. Grumpy*

          That’s so tempting.
          If it helps, it’s likely no one will remember or recognize you afterwards.
          I can only really remember three reality show people (and I doubt I’d ever recognize them in public): The marriage-survival reality show army/marine contestant couple (because they both cheated so much and had so many kids), the fiance who seemed to be only after the green card, and a brizedilla with a shrill voice who kept saying “but, I love it so!”
          Also, what the heck has society come to…

    6. EmmaLou*

      I can’t think of anyone on a reality show that it’s been ultimately GOOD for. Lots and lots and lots and lots of bad. You are brave.

    7. AlaskaKT*

      I’ve been worried about editing as well. The show isn’t particularly flattering for the people I’ve seen on there (they do need to “rescue” us after all). But if they put a well in for us, that’s a 10-20k expense. That would be something that would be worth looking like idiots on tv for.

    8. Aphrodite*

      No, nor would I. There is nothing that would horrify me more because I am a deeply private person. I loathe and fear social media, and I keep my online presence minimal with different user names for each place I go.

      The problem is that being on one of those shows is forever. It is not a one-time thing, and you are mistaken to think that. The show will be around for a long, long time; it will eventually get online and we all know when that happens it’s forever. It would be rare if it did happen but you could pick up some weirdo who for unknown reasons focuses on you.

      Just be sure you really are willing to accept these possible outcomes. They may never happen and it may be just fine … but there are no guarantees.

    10. Nye*

      I was, years ago. Just for an episode, and not as the main focus. I was one of five outside “experts” working with the recurring contestants. It was a really interesting experience, and I don’t regret it.

      I did see some creative editing that made another expert look kind of bad, though I understood the reasons behind it. If you’re being featured, this would be my biggest concern: that they’ll edit to make it seem that your family is terrible or bonkers. If it’s an ongoing show, how are featured families usually presented? Would you feel OK being presented that way?

      Another consideration is that it will come up in Internet searches of your name for years to come. I’m actually in IMDB because I got a named credit. It makes for fun cocktail party conversion for me, but it’s worth considering if it will potentially impact your future job searches, etc.

      Another thought, if you’re willing to do some internet sleuthing, is to try to contact folks who have been featured previously and ask if they’d do it again. They probably can’t tell you specifics – I imagine they signed some kind of NDA – but might be willing to give you an idea of whether or not it was worth it.

    11. neverjaunty*

      Keep in mind that you have zero control over how you will be portrayed. They will edit it for entertainment value – not for truth. If they think it would be best to make you look obnoxious or stupid in the episode, they will.

    12. BuildMeUp*

      One other thing you may have already considered – are there any tax implications for the show installing the well? Is it set up so that receiving it in return for being on the show could be considered a form of income, or will there be taxes or other expenses related to having it on your property?

    13. HannahS*

      I’d say, watch other episodes, and you’ll get an idea of how it’ll be edited to portray you. You can be aware, though, and try to avoid producer-induced drama. I know a couple that was on a home-reno show and like on all home-reno shows when something went “wrong,” the producers asked them for a comment. They said something along the lines of, “It’s ok, these things happen” and when the producers asked for something stronger they held firm and refused to criticize the team. It was a combination of them actually being really nice people, and wanting to ensure a good protrayal or Orthodox Jews.

      The fact that they were on the show is a neighbourhood anecdote and kind of “fun fact” but no one really cares otherwise. Also, the producers made them present the hosts with yarmulkes and dance the hora around the kitchen table…so you win some, you lose some.

  33. Myrin*

    Thanks to recommendations both here and on tumblr, I’ve started watching Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries while I was sick last week (I’m finally better, thank god) and I’m absolutely loving it! I’m on episode three or four of series two and I continue to be absolutely delighted by everything about it. I’m loving all the characters (which is very rare for me – I’m somewhat known for always disliking the main character of any given series but not even that has come true here!) and the cases are interesting and unique!

    I’ll definitely buy the DVDs, not only because I want to own this stuff and support them, but also because I need to watch everything with subtitles again. With the Australian accent and somewhat fast speaking, I feel a bit like back when I first started watching things in English and it’s Not Nice. I mean, I understand everything that’s going on but I find myself missing subtleties and little clues just because I didn’t quite catch a phrase and it’s driving me bananas! Doesn’t hinder my enjoyment of the whole thing, though.

    With that said, I’m off to another episode now! :D

    1. printrovert*

      I love love love that show! I tried to read the books, but I am just not a cozy mystery person.

    2. Claire (Scotland)*

      It’s such a good show. My best friend made me start watching it when I was visiting her, and I love it.

    5. Rahera*

      It’s a lovely show. The best costumes and interior design, and a lot of fun all round. Don’t let the accent/subtitles thing get you down. Aussie and kiwi accents can be very tricky (speaking as a kiwi here). Happy watching :).
      Dr Blake is also fun, by the way.

      1. neverjaunty*

        I always watch shows with the CC on, so I didn’t even notice!

        I also love this show. I particularly enjoy that the staid detective… isn’t so staid, and that the police are actually very good at their jobs. And that Miss Fisher is genuinely nice to people. I am very sick of shows with irascible misanthrope heroes.

  35. AvonLady Barksdale*

    There’s an update to my house drama, thankfully one that’s not particularly dramatic. I posted here last month about how my landlord decided to sell this house, and we’re barely 6 months into a 2-year lease. I was concerned that he would have an “out” of some sort that would require us to move, but I consulted an attorney who told me that since the lease I signed doesn’t have a provision for sale (and many signed in my state do have that provision), that we are subject to state laws. Those laws say that our lease is binding– we can’t be kicked out as long as we’re paying rent and abiding by the terms of the lease– and has to be transferred to the new owner(s). BIG sigh of relief there! After a lot of thinking and soul-searching, we decided not to make an offer on the house ourselves. I emailed my landlord the other day and said, “We’ll continue to rent through the end of our lease, and we look forward to meeting the new owners.” He didn’t argue, but he did say he’s coming by soon to put a For Sale By Owner sign in our yard. I am NOT looking forward to that, but I also know that I’m under no obligation to answer the door if people come knocking to ask questions. So that issue is handled for now. I doubt this house will sell that quickly, especially at what he’s asking. Unless someone wants to put a lot of money down, their mortgage payments would exceed our rent, and we’re still here through June 2018. Someone might want to buy this as a tear-down, but again, they can’t tear it down until we’re out. So who knows. But I will say that if someone comes along and wants the house or the land and is willing to pay us a nice sum to get out? Open to it.

    The second issue we had with them was their failure to forward their freaking mail and their shady reluctance to give us their address so we can forward things we get. We got some mail yesterday for the landlord’s wife that looked really important and was in a security envelope. They haven’t lived here since 2014! If she’s getting bills or reports from a doctor’s office (this looked like it was from a diagnostic center), then they should have her correct address. We were so annoyed, we just wrote “return to sender” on the envelope and put it back outside. If they object at all, we’ll just tell them the weather was so bad we didn’t want anyone to have to deal with it (true) and this was just easier, and if they would just give us their address, we could simply forward the mail directly with no hassle to anyone.

    I think I’ve just reached a point in my life where I dislike dealing with people who don’t think things through in a way that causes other people (namely, me and my boyfriend) problems.

    1. copy run start*

      You’re under no obligation to handle their mail for years (!), especially when they are planning on selling the house from under you. They’ll figure it out when they start getting calls from places about returned mail.* Hopefully your new owners will be good landlords!

      *I live in a title state, where you hold your vehicle title. A few weeks ago, I received a vehicle title for someone else listed at my address in the mail. I feel like that dude owes me a freaking reward for sending that back to the DMV.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        It is so, so ridiculous. The first couple of times, ok, I get it. But over two years later? No way. Our last landlord, in NYC, was so lovely– he repeatedly told me that if we ever got mail for him at our address that he would reimburse us for the postage. I think we may have forwarded one thing and he thanked us profusely. He and his wife eventually bought the place across the hall (condo) and we had a friendly, cordial relationship. I miss them.

        1. bearing*

          It strikes me that if you were the landlord in a situation like this, a convenient thing to do would be to leave a reasonably-sized supply of stamped pre-addressed manila envelopes. If it was a *nice* ex-landlord I wouldn’t mind dropping a piece of mail into an envelope and mailing it forward.

    2. Sibley*

      I have the same issue with the owner not changing their address. Except I get mail for 3 adults!

      Tax forms, DMV stuff, bills, you name it I’ve gotten it. I took a pile into the post office last year and said very clearly that they didn’t live there and I don’t want their mail. That took care of it until very recently, so I may have to repeat the process. The funny thing is, it’s actually illegal to not change your address with DMV where I live!

      1. hermit crab*

        The previous tenant in my apartment apparently never updated his car registration (!), so I get his speed-camera tickets in the mail.

        I have also received (not all for the same person) Christmas cards, tax forms, large packages (there was one box that was at least 3ft tall), those alumni newsletters that tell you who from each class year has gotten married/had kids/died, insurance documents, and credit card offers. I could have stolen multiple people’s identities by now.

        FORWARD YOUR MAIL, PEOPLE! It’s not that hard!

      2. Marcela*

        The post office took the mail? I tried to do that a year ago, with the huge pile of letters for the former tenants of my house, and they refused to help me. They told me to mark the letters with return to sender, but they kept delivering them to my home!

    3. CM*

      Just start returning everything to sender, and tell your LL that you will be doing that since they won’t give your their address for mail forwarding. You’re under no obligation to handle your landlord’s mail.

  36. dear liza dear liza*

    Help me end my book drought! I feel like I keep starting books but they aren’t catching my attention. I usually read 3-4 books a week, but I’m just not feeling it.

    I like books that…
    1. are fiction
    2. have strong female characters
    3. have some sense of humor to them
    4. aren’t too graphic in terms of violence

    I lean towards mysteries, historical fiction, YA, and some chicklit. Authors I like include Janet Evanovich, Elizabeth Peters, and Liane Moriarty.

    I don’t like books that
    1. are sci fi or fantasy
    2. mysteries that have lots of chapters from the villain’s inner monologues/pov.
    3. are dark/depressing
    4. but also, cozies/cutesy mysteries are ugh.

    I absolutely loathed GONE GIRL, THE GIRL ON THE TRAIN, and THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO. (No judgment on the zillions who loved those books- they just weren’t for me.)

    I would love to hear your book suggestions!

    1. Christy*

      The Mary Russell novels! They meet all your criteria and there are a bunch of them. They are by Laurie R. King, and the first is The Beekeeper’s Apprentice.

    2. Amber*

      I’m a huge fan of historical fiction, you should look into Phillipa Gregory and her Tutor Court series and The Cousin’s War series. She writes her books from the viewpoint of the queens of history. She wrote them in the order that grabbed her but I’d suggest if they interest you, read them in the order of actual timelines. There is a great suggested reading order part way down here: http://literatehousewife.com/2007/08/philippa-gregory-in-chronological-order/

    3. bassclefchick*

      Try the Coffee House Mysteries by Cleo Coyle. They aren’t cutesy, but they’re a fun read. Donna Andrews’ Meg Lanslow series is good too.

      1. Northie Southern*

        I love the Scrapbook Mysteries by Laura Childs. They’re set in New Orleans, and have a strong female character – divorced from her husband, trying to avoid falling in with the uppity crowd, running her own Scrapbook shop. Childs also writes a few other series with the same concept, one about various teas, and I forget the other. Also the Coffeehouse Mysteries by Cleo Coyle, fairly similar concept, just more about competing with the towns crazy lady, from what I’ve read so far!

        1. Northie Southern*

          Didn’t mean to reply to you, but it’s funny we both recommended Coffehouse! Great taste! ;)

    5. printrovert*

      Try Alan Bradley’s Flavia De Leuce series (mysteries/ya/historical fiction) and Here be Dragons (historical fiction) by Sharon Kay Penman.

      1. Dear Liza dear liza*

        I love the Spellman series. Oddly, I don’t like her non-Spellman stories. Have you had better luck?

        1. Owly*

          Looking at them now, they seem really familiar but I really can’t remember anything about them. So I guess not :)

    7. Tex*

      Wolf Hall and Bring Up the Bodies, both by Hilary Mantel. (And she won back to back Booker Prizes for them.)

    8. Aisling*

      I second th Flavia de Luce mysteries, and for a Janet Evanovich read alike, try author Jennifer Crusie. My favorite of hers is “Agnes and the Hitman”- it’s hilarious!

      2. Dear Liza dear liza*

        I’ve read and loved all of Jennifer Crusie’s books, all the way back to her Harlequin days. Getting Rid of Bradley is one of my all-time favorites. It seems like she’s not writing anymore?

      3. Violet Heathcote*

        I loved Bet me and Manhunting by Jennifer Crusie!
        Historical – I recommend the 4 book Adventurers quartet series by Stephanie Laurens, and anything by Julia Quinn and Eloisa James.

    9. Chickaletta*

      Orphan Train. It came out a couple years ago I think but I just read it and it was really good. It fits your description of what you lean towards. I thought Girl on the Train wasn’t that good either.

      1. Dear Liza dear liza*

        Yes, I enjoyed this one, although I struggle with books that have dual past/present storylines. In this case, I found the story set in the past riveting. The other was okay, but not as strong.

        1. Bluebell*

          Speaking of dual timelines and with a similar title, I just finished Orphans of the Carnival and enjoyed it. The present timeline is very minor but the past timeline based on the life of Julia Pastrana was very good.
          I’m enjoying the suggestions in this thread. I also like th coffeehouse series and love Jennifer crusie. One author I haven’t seen mentioned is Cathleen Schine.

        2. Chickaletta*

          Yes, that’s the trouble with dual timelines.

          Oh, I just remembered a good series I liked was the Clare Fergusson/Russ Van Alstyne mysteries by Julia Spencer Fleming. Clare is an Episcopal priest in a small New England town, Russ is the local married police chief. Clare has a knack for getting tied up in the town’s mysteries and there’s a little chemistry between the two of them.

          1. dear liza dear liza*

            Oh, the Clare Fergusson/Russ Van Alstyne books are wonderful! It’s been too long since the last one.

    10. Loopy*

      So normally I am all about sic-fi fantasy and not into YA at all, but oh goodness, And I Darken by Kiersten White was amazing. Everytime I share it, I feel like the blurb doesn’t do it *any* justice. I *think* it’s YA (but it seemed to be one of those borderline YA/Adult books if it was) and it’s *slightly* alternate history but very very very well researched. If you like historical fiction, this is well done enough that it should absolutely fit the bill. It made me scamper off to research aspects that fascinated me!

      If anyone else has read it, please help me out here!!!!

    11. CAA*

      I am not sure if these would be too much sci-fi/fantasy, but try Gail Carriger’s books. They’re an intriguing bit of genre-bending Steampunk/Mystery/Romance.

      Also:
      Charlaine Harris – Aurora Teagarden series
      Deanna Raybourn – start with Lady Julia Grey series, but read her stand-alones too
      Amy Patricia Meade
      Carola Dunn – Daisy Dalrymple series, try a couple and if they get too cozy you can stop
      Courtney Milan – romance, but she writes excellent strong women
      Darynda Jones – might be too much fantasy/paranormal, but worth trying the first one or two
      Deborah Coonts – Lucky series
      Diane Mott Davidson – might be too cozy
      Hank Philippi Ryan
      Jacqueline Winspear – just recommended her to someone last week. I think you’d like Maisie Dobbs.
      Jasper Fforde – I love Thursday Next, not sure if there’s too much fantasy for you.
      K.J. Larsen – kind of a mad-cap capers series about an inept PI
      Kate Carlisle – cozies, but not too cozy
      Kathryn Miller Haines – WWII
      Lauren Willig – maybe not the pink carnation series (those are very cozy mystery/romance), but everything else she writes fits your criteria
      Margaret Maron – Deborah Knott series
      Mary Anna Evans – Faye Longchamp series
      Nancy Martin – Blackbird sisters series
      Priscilla Royal – medieval abbey setting
      Sharan Newman – medieval Paris
      Sharyn McCrumb – several series
      Susan Wittig Albert – China Bayles series
      Tasha Alexander – Lady Emily series
      Tracy / Teresa Grant – spies in the Napoleonic wars

      1. SophieChotek*

        I will definitely second the Tracy/Teresa Malcom & Suzanne Rannoch Series set during the Napoleonic Wwars; the research is quite good.

        Yes, I like Priscilla Royal’s medieval mysteries series with Abbess of Tyndale Priory

        I will also second Jacqueline Winspeare’s post-WWI Maisie Dobbs series (though the last few have rather bored me)

    12. Dr. KMnO4*

      Sue Grafton writes about a female PI. Her books are pretty good.
      Meg Cabot (who wrote the Princess Diaries) has some good romance novels.
      Outlander is interesting historical fiction, I’m in the middle of the first one right now. I’ve heard the plot really doesn’t go anywhere after a while, though.
      Anne George’s Southern Sisters books are good.
      The Magician’s Assistant by Ann Patchett. Actually I would recommend all of her books except the first one, which I despised.
      I’m not sure what you mean by cozies/cutesy mysteries, but I don’t think any of the above fit that category.

      1. dear liza dear liza*

        A cozy is generally a light-hearted mystery series with an amateur sleuth, often female, at the helm. Even though she has no professional ties to crime or justice, she inexplicitly finds people continually dying in her Teapot Store, and she has to solve the crime. In many, she has a romantic interest who IS part of the law and order establishment. She is usually seen as less ept or competent because, well, she’s not part of the establishment. That’s a dynamic I really hate. Because these are lighter, they also are less verbally graphic, and the sleuth tends to “curse” by saying things like “Gee whillikers!” That’s the cutesy part I can’t stand.

        So yeah, Grafton’s Kinsey Milhone series would not be cozy. Kinsey is not inept or cute! I stopped around R but may need to revisit it.

        1. Dr. KMnO4*

          Ah, thanks for the clarification. I also would not care for those kinds of mysteries. Reminds me of the TV show “Murder She Wrote”. Inexplicable deaths abound!

          The Southern Sisters mysteries do have inexplicable death syndrome but less of the cutesy stuff like the non-swearing, if I remember correctly. Definitely amateur sleuths, though.

      2. Sami*

        Seconding Sue Grafton! I love Kinsey!

        Also seconding: the dislike of cozy mysteries. I know they’re very popular but they just aren’t my cup of tea. Pun intended. :)

    13. SophieChotek*

      I would suggest

      Maggie Hope mystery series set in WW2 Britain by Sara Elia MacNeal.
      The research seems pretty solid; anyone who spends 4+ pages in the afterward citing sources (even if they are secondary not primary research) makes me happy

      Bess Crawford WwI series by Charles Todd

      Fiona Buckley’s Elizabethan England Mystery series with Mistress Ursula Blanchard

      might consider Megan Whalen Turner’s Attolia/Eddis series — the main character is a man (Gen) but the women are strong and complex too. (The first book THE THIEF, is my least favourite, but one really needs to read that to make the rest of the series make any sense.) Set in a vaguely Byznantine/Grecian world, but not really

    14. Aurora Leigh*

      Anne Perry — I adore her Thomas and Charlotte Pitt mysteries! They are set in the late 1800s in Britain and Charlotte is a very strong clever character. Some of the murders can be a little gruesome though.

      Rhys Bowen — she writes several mystery series. I especially liked the Her Royal Spyness series, set on the 1930s, the main character is a distant cousin to the royal family but has to try to support herself. They’re fun and funny!

      1. SophieChotek*

        I agree – I like Anne Perry’s Charlotte/Thomas Pitt Series. (Not so much lately, but generally yes). Also I do think Hester is a strong character – (Monk/Latterly) series by Anne Perry

      2. bassclefchick*

        OH! I just read a biography on Anne Perry! It was by Peter Graham and the title was Anne Perry and the Murder of the Century. If you didn’t know, she and a friend killed the friend’s mom when they were teenagers. The book was a bit dry in places, but it was absolutely fascinating! But then, I’m a true crime junkie. LOL

        1. the gold digger*

          Yeah, I had to stop reading her books once I discovered she and her best friend bashed the mom’s head in with a brick when they were teenagers. I have a hard time separating the art from the artist, which is why I wish artists would shut up about their political views. I don’t want to know that stuff about them.

          1. DeadQuoteOlympics*

            I had the same reaction – once I found out, I couldn’t go back to enjoying the books. Peter Jackson made a film of the murder case called Heavenly Creatures.

            It’s not politically-based at all,, just personality, but I really wish I didn’t know anything about Aretha Franklin the person for the same reason (although I love her music so much it hasn’t stopped me listening– but I feel vaguely guilty!).

          2. HannahS*

            Yeah, me too. Damn Orson Scott Card is awful homophobia and terrific books. Can’t enjoy them anymore.

          3. bassclefchick*

            I totally get that. And from what I’ve read (admittedly only the one book on the murder) Perry never showed any remorse for what was done and neither did the friend. On the other hand, they both served their time. A very SHORT amount of time, but they did go to prison. I’m not trying to dismiss what they did at ALL, I think it was horrible and cruel. But, on the other hand, she DID serve her time and now she’s a productive member of society. I don’t have the answer, of course. But I still enjoy the books. Part of me does feel a bit like I’m condoning cold blooded-murder. Maybe I justify that by not buying them and only getting them from the library? I don’t know.

            I WILL say that the relationship between mothers and daughters is a unique and interesting one. And I have had plenty of moments in my life where I have not gotten along with my mother. But to just decide one day I’m going to bash her on the head with a brick because she annoys me? No, absolutely not.

    15. DeadQuoteOlympics*

      Val McDermid’s Karen Pirie series (Scottish police procedurals, cold cases — not graphic, but I haven’t read all of them yet!)

      C.S. Harris series– historical, the ostensible protagonist is male but really shares the billing with a very independent woman

      Harry Bingham’s Fiona Griffith’s series — police procedurals, Fiona is one of my favorites! There is a subtle strain of comedy running through the books. Might be a big graphic sometimes, but lurid details are never the point.

      Laura Lippman consistently writes strong and complex female protagonists, either with her series detective (PI) or her standalones.

      Sara J. Henry – Learning to Swim, and her new one with the same sleuth — non- professional investigator.

      Infer Ash Wolfe’s Hazel Micallef mysteries — Canadian police woman, funny.

      Madeleine E. Robins Sarah Tolerance mysteries — historical, with a very, very faint alternative history cast.

      SJ Rozen’s PI series — each book alternates pov between the pair of detectives — look at the ones written from Lydia Chin’s POV.

      1. DeadQuoteOlympics*

        You might like Dorothy Dunnett’s historical series the Lymond Chronicles. Lots of strong women characters, excellent plotting, locales ranging all over Europe and the Ottoman Empire, and plenty of humor. There’s a tiny bit of eye-rolling woo-woo at the very very end, but after six books and about 7000 pages, I found I could forgive the author. This is one of my favorite book series of all time.

    16. Sami*

      1. Check out fantasticfiction dot com
      You can find info about your favorite authors and books they recommend.

      2. Check out literature-map dot com
      You input a favorite author and it’ll give suggestions of similar authors.

    17. TeaLady*

      Lindsay Davis has continued/diversified her Falco series by adding novels featuring his adopted daughter Flavia. She’s great! The Roman setting is very well done but the research is worn lightly and the mysteries are intriguing

    18. Jenbug*

      Melissa Miller’s Sasha McCandless series would be a good one for you, I think.

      Also, I’m not sure where Urban Fantasy falls for you, but Kelley Armstrong writes a lot of amazing female characters. They just happen to be werewolves, witches, and vampires.

    19. Damn it Hardison!*

      I second the Laurie King recommendation; I’m currently doing a re-read of the Mary Russell series. Laura Lippmann’s Tess Monaghan series is a favorite of mine, especially the earliest books. I also like Carole Nelson Douglas Irene Adler series (even though historical fiction is generally not my cup of tea). Finally, Louise Penny’s Inspector Gamache series. Inspector Gamache is male but there are lots of central female characters in the series and the books are really good (almost all of them; there are a couple that I think aren’t as good as the others).

    20. Mephyle*

      I just finished The War That Saved My Life by Kimberley Brubaker Bradley. Strong female characters, historic (WWII), and triumph over adversity. Never mind that it’s supposedly a middle grade novel, it’s perfectly suitable for adults as well, at least this adult found it so. I was also thrilled to find out that the author is working on a sequel, due to be published this autumn. These were characters I didn’t want to say goodbye to.
      This book returned me to the way it used to be of not being able to put a book down until I finished. For a while now I haven’t been getting the pleasure out of reading that I used to in the pre-screen era, or at least only rarely. I think I’ve gotten out of practice at sticking to reading one thing to the end.

    22. Emi.*

      I know I’m late, but I just started reading The No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency and I love it. So far there’s no graphic violence and it’s very funny.

  37. Amber*

    Removed because this is the non-work open thread. Please feel free to post it on the Friday work one though!

    1. Amber*

      Robin Hood, the 1973 cartoon version. I remember it well from my childhood and always brings back fond memories.

    2. animaniactoo*

      Currently, it’s Moana. I get to see a bunch of them in pre-release, and this is the first one that I really just straight-up liked and would have regardless of job-related or not. I liked the humor, including some serious Bugs Bunny/Wily-Coyote-Roadrunner kind of play, and I love the grit of the female lead and her grandmother. I’ve always really enjoyed mythology and I like the way it was incorporated here. But also, it’s really all about that one scene between Maui and the ocean. I laughed my ass off.

    4. TL -*

      Mulan – it was the first movie I saw where I really identified with the protagonist – smart, intelligent, loud, brave, and always in trouble because she has to do something when she sees something wrong.

      1. Sci-fi_worker_girl*

        It’s a tie between Robin Hood (the classic where he is played by a fox) and Lion King – Mufasa was the greatest.

      2. SophieChotek*

        me too. No question. I’ll be curious to see what I think of the remake with real people though.

    8. Anonymous Educator*

      I’ve got to say Zootopia. Good story, good script, good animation, good soundtrack… humor, adventure, allegory. It’s all in there. Most importantly, I watched it twice in the theater and watched it repeatedly even after it was out of the theater.

      Of course I have many other favorites (including Moana, Big Hero 6, Tarzan, Hercules, and The Little Mermaid), but if I’m pressed for one, it would definitely be Zootopia.

      1. Al Lo*

        Zootopia is my favorite current Disney movie. I’m still in awe over how seamlessly it wove in necessary societal reminders about power structure, racism, othering, microagressions, and so on. Plus it’s fun and funny.

        My perennial favorites lean toward the musicals, but, man, Zootopia set a high bar for kids’ movies.

    9. Red Reader*

      Beauty and the Beast and Moana are waaaay up there, but my absolute favorite is Brave. I am a feisty opinionated chick with annoying younger siblings and miles of riotous red curls, and since he first saw the movie my dad has called me his Merida. I have a tattoo of one of the lines from a song in a key scene of the movie – “chase the wind, touch the sky” – tattooed in my parents’ handwriting.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        Oh, Pixar counts? That changes the whole scope…

        And, yes, Brave is also one of my faves.

    10. Cas*

      I always loved Tangled because Mother Gothel was so well done as an abusive parent figure, chipping away at Rapunzel’s self-esteem and telling her how the world ‘really’ is.

      Plus the beautiful animation.

    11. Lizketeer*

      Princess and the Frog
      Tiana’s determination, the hand-drawn animation, the music. It’s a great piece of modern princess ideals (strong, hard working, determined) while also incorporating some of the classic Disney feels.
      In the end, Tiana and Naveen rescued each other. They became better versions of themselves in a way that didn’t sacrifice their central personalities.

    12. Manderley*

      Sleeping Beauty because of the music. I also love the gothic architecture, especially transposed against the plump people and fairies. Maleficent is my favorite villain.

      Beauty and the Beast because Belle is a reader and more independent than many of the classic Disney heroes. That library!

    13. Elizabeth West*

      Fantasia. That’s about it. I’m not much of a Disney fan, though I did see all the classics as a kid (and thanks to living in a city up to age seven, I got to see them all on the big screen).

  39. Northie Southern*

    Anyone here own North Face jackets? I’m looking into getting one. I’d like to go with a soft shell, but was wondering if they retain smells that won’t wash out? Bonfire/fireplace smoke and other outdoorsy delights seem to be the main issue, since I am more rural south living. I have a cheap knock off that just smells really awful, and I can’t get the smell out, not with washing, dousing in perfumes or dry clean. If that’s going to be an issue, I’ll probably have to go with something different.

    1. MaybeTomorrow*

      Baking soda in washing machine and toss jacket in on soak cycle. Then wash. Let air dry and repeat if needed.

    2. Bonky*

      Hubby and I live in them in the winter. If a TNF jacket doesn’t have a down filling, it’ll wash in the washing machine. They’re brilliant: hearty recommend!

    3. emily_*

      I got my down north face parka 5 years ago when I moved to Milwaukee for school and it has really held up well! It doesn’t retain smells that I’ve noticed. The nice part for me is that the north face will lifetime guarantee your coat and will perform repairs for free. A couple years ago I accidentally tore the zipper of my jacket and I brought it into the north face store near me and they sent it out for repair. I think the return time is pretty slow, but not a big deal if you bring it in at the end of winter and don’t need it right away. Very much recommend!

    4. Alinea*

      I only have one North Face jacket and I love it. It hasn’t retained any smells.

      For smells, I just bought Febreze In Wash Odor Eliminator and it got out this nasty smell my husband had on his military gear. If you want to go natural, vinegar works too. For this smell I actually did one vinegar wash and the smell was still there so then a Febreze wash.

    5. DeadQuoteOlympics*

      I haven’t tried it myself, but I know people who swear by a spray bottle of cheap vodka to get out odors.

      I have a NF soft shell of some antiquity and a down coat, and both are holding up extremely well. They haven’t picked up odors, but I don’t spend a lot of time around campfires, although the soft shell has been on outdoor excursions plenty of times.

    6. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      Love, love, Love my North Face soft shell. It’s light, but warm enough to wear into the twenties (as long as I am just walking in and out of cars/buildings).

      I wash it all the time, because two friends have dogs that shed like crazy. We also have a lot of outdoor stuff, and indoor fires where it gets smoky. It has never held a scent. It washes beautifully. It just gets kinda hairy from me (I have long hair, and it sticks to everything!), but a quick wash and dry and it’s good to go.

  40. Anon for this*

    My husband and I have been trying to have kids, but it looks like my organs are older than the rest of me and it’s not going to work out naturally. Time has passed in this process and I’ve moved to a place where I no longer want to bear or raise children. He’s upset and making comments about deciding between me and kids. I’m struggling with feeling like I deceived him initially, though I really did want kids at the start of the journey. I also feel selfish, because who am I to decide I get what I want if it means he doesn’t? I know neither of those things really holds up, but I can’t get past them.

    For those who will suggest counseling, we’re in it, but have only had one session so far. The next is scheduled.

    Thank you to the regular commentators who have extolled their joys in a child free life. You’ve helped me at least not feel like a freak for not wanting kids.

    1. JHS*

      As someone with a young child, I would say that you should definitely not have kids if you don’t really, really want to have them. Kids are amazing but they become your entire life for better or worse. They disrupt everything. I say that as someone who wanted kids more than anything (who also struggled with infertility) and who loves my child more than anything in the world. However, I could not handle having a child if I didn’t really want one. The biggest thing to remember though is, despite society’s pressure, there is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting children! I understand your husband’s position and I also totally understand yours. Unfortunately, you’re in a no win situation with your marriage but I definitely think you should stick to your guns and do what feels right to you (or in this case don’t do what doesn’t feel right).

    2. Amber*

      I have a friend who has been engaged for about 10 years. She really really wants kids and is getting to an age where it will be more and more difficult. Her fiance has avoided all real commitment (marriage and kids). And she’s worried that she will have to choose between him and the life she wanted for herself. You are kinda on the other side of this. The advice I gave her is that she can’t stay with him AND expect him to change into what she wants. If she stays with him she has to accept and be ok with the fact that she probably won’t have kids and they may never get married. If she’s not ok with that package then she should leave. She either loves and accepts the whole package of him (good and bad) otherwise it’s healther to move on. So probably the same is true for your husband. He needs to accept and love you for the whole package (meaning no kids).

      1. Get a Haircut*

        Not the OP, but your friend sounds like me. Thanks for posting- you’ve helped at least one person.

    3. enough*

      As described I don’t feel you have deceived your husband. People can change over time. And wanting children at 25 is not the same reality of being 35 and nature isn’t cooperating. I wasn’t sure about having a second when we were having problems conceiving even though we had agreed that we wanted 2 children. I was ready to call it quits the month we got pregnant.

    4. Oryx*

      Kids aren’t like sweaters that you can just take back if you decide it’s not your style. But, on the flip side, you can always borrow a friend’s sweater if you want to try it out without committing.

      So, if you don’t want kids — don’t have kids. I don’t know how long you’ve been trying, but people change and you’re allowed to change your mind. But, honestly, in my mind there’s nothing worse than having a child to appease someone else because that child deserves two parents who want them.

      That said (going back to the sweater example), there are ways for your husband to fulfill some paternal desires without children. I’m childfree personally but I love kids and love babysitting my friends’ kids. I’ve had childfree relatives do the Big Brother Big Sister volunteer program.

    5. dawbs*

      FWIW, We were there.
      (short backstory version of life…Mr. Dawbs and I married, said kids in a few years. After those few years I was well past ‘ok’ into impatient, Mr. said “oh, uh…may have changed my mind”. We spent a few years in an agonizing limbo. It was hard–really hard. We eventually decided together to try for kids. Then we had infertility. Then we had one kid. Then we did perm. sterilization, so only child)

      This is hard. And both of you should consider yourselves permitted to throat-punch people who make idiotic ‘when are you having kid’ comments for the foreseeable future. And you guys get to accept that people change–that’s part of marriage. (And it’s not just a bad part–I wouldn’t want to still be married to the Mr. as he was at 19–because we’ve both matured and changed since then. Although some of the changes have made things harder–we agreed politically more 10 years ago. But that makes things harder and makes us more nuanced people–not worse–quite possibly better.)

      You are realistic in knowing that you’re possibly making a choice for both of –of course, on the flip side is that if you go along w/ his choice, he’s making the choice for both (er, all?) of the family. That’s one of the lousy/wonderful things about family dynamics–that choices by one person makes will affect the whole.
      At some point, I think you both get to make the really hard lists with costs and benefits.
      I will say one of the reasons our marriage survived through the ‘we’re at an impasse” years is that, when it came down to it, I said my choice A was married w/ kids, choice B was married w/o kids, and choice C was the marriage ending–and his choice A was married w/o kids, choice B was married w/ kids and C was marriage ending.
      If those had landed in a different order for either of us, it could have had a different outcome.

      I’m not sure any of that is helpful in the LEAST–but FWIW, it’s survivable, it’s not as abnormal as people would sometimes have you think, and we can commiserate that it’s hard.
      (I also have a link that if I can find/it still exists, I’ll post)

    8. Melody Pond*

      You are definitely not a freak for not wanting kids. I’m 30, childless by choice, and currently in the planning stage to get myself sterilized permanently. Mr. Pond was permanently sterilized about 2 years ago (we’re non-monogamous, so it’s important to me to get myself sterilized as well). Mr. Pond has actually told me repeatedly that he would be fine with it if I wanted to have kids with someone else, and that he would even help raise them – but that he himself doesn’t want kids, so he made that choice, but without expecting that that would also be my choice. However, I’m very certain that I don’t want kids as well – and if for some reason I woke up in 5 years and HAD to have kids around, I would happily adopt.

      Your current situation with your husband does sound scary and stressful, though. So sorry to hear about that. But I definitely don’t think you’re selfish – especially if you can find it in your heart to approach it from an attitude of, “Well, I love you, and I want to stay with you, but I will understand if this means that you no longer want to be in this marriage.” But… it sounds like such a stressful situation to be in. If I were in your shoes, I’m sure I’d have a hard time staying calm or reasonable about it.

      1. Anon for this*

        And it is an interesting situation for us, since we are non-monogamous as well. I have thought about how I’d feel if he had kids with another woman. I don’t have problems from a jealousy perspective, but it would change things. For him to be involved enough in his child’s life, without me having more child raising than I’m okay with (because a little part time would be fine), my time with him would have to decrease in favour of child and child’s mom. I think it would be better than breaking up entirely, but it would be complicated.

    9. neverjaunty*

      You are NOT a freak! Speaking as a parent – having children is a huge decision, and it’s not fair to them to have parents who didn’t want them and regret them. It is the exact opposite of selfish to realize that is not the life you want, and therefore to decide not to bring children into it.

      You didn’t deceive your husband. It’s understandable that he may need to work through feelings of loss about being a parent and uncertainty about what to do, but he is being a complete glass bowl to you about it. It’s not as if you got the ring on your finger and then said “haha, sucker, no kids for you!” (Also, you know, you are the one who would have to physically carry and then give birth to any children, perhaps he missed that part?) I hope that counseling helps him get his act together.

    10. Mreasy*

      I am at an age where most of my peers have kids. I love my friends, and I adore their kids, but time spent with them doesn’t do a thing to make me less sure that kids aren’t for me (generally the opposite). I’m lucky that my husband feels the same way. I’m so sorry that your partner and you are at odds on this, but there is nothing wrong, or weird, or selfish, about not having or wanting children. Too many people make the decision because they’re expected to, then find themselves stuck. Good for you for knowing your needs!

    11. NoMoreMrFixit*

      Nothing wrong with not wanting kids. I never wanted kids even when I was one. Admittedly divorce runs in my family like it’s in our DNA but I just never wanted the job. It’s not selfish. Selfish would be having kids you don’t want because somebody else wants you to.

      Sorry to hear you’re having relationship issues due to this but this is definitely a hill worth dying on.

    13. Menacia*

      Not a freak by a long shot, I am 51, married, and no kids though hubby and I knew before we were married (I knew a long time ago) that we did not want to have kids. I absolutely hate that women who don’t want kids are pressured into doing so, and looked on as being selfish. What is selfish is not being true to yourself and having kids for other people (and then the kid suffers for it). Unless a child is truly wanted, and can be cared for (by more than one person!), it’s better not to have created one in the first place. While the decision may cause you to separate from your husband, and that’s extremely hard to realize, it’s better to do so now when you still have the opportunity to start over, instead hanging on but resented. You hit the nail on the head that you can’t be the only one making this decision for the both of you. Whatever you decide, you have to accept his choice as well.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I agree with the child being truly wanted, but I disagree on it being cared for by more than one person. That pretty much invalidates single parents. And many solo mums (and dads) didn’t plan to do it that way–somebody didn’t stick around or they died or whatever.

        The rest of your response is spot on.

  41. fposte*

    Weird window stuff: we had a cold snap that put us in zero to single digits for a few days, and as I usually do in really cold weather I kept my insulating honeycomb blinds down. It’s warming up a bit today so I opened them again and found ice on the inside of my windows! It was pooled at the bottom of the glass, so it seems like there may have been some melting and thawing, and I’m pretty sure it’s from condensation.

    And I get how it *could* happen, but it’s never happened before; additionally, those are new windows (well, new sealed glass) so should have better insulation than in previous years. I mean, on the bright side it says a lot about the insulating ability of my blinds, but I’m not delighted with it. Anybody have any experience with something like this or thoughts about how to avoid it?

    1. copy run start*

      Yup! We’ve been subzero for a week or two now. My window is currently iced up between the screen and the pane so I literally can’t open it. I would open the blinds during the day, or leave them set up a few inches off the windowsill. If it’s going to warm rapidly, I’d put something there to absorb the water. Otherwise, should be fine I think, as long as it’s not between panes.

      Story time! My first apartment was probably built in the late 70s, and while it was nice at that time, hadn’t ever been updated in 40 years. Original fixtures, appliances, windows, everything. It came with heavy drapes, and since it was facing a busy road, I kept them closed on the slider 24/7. I also had a pet chinchilla I let out every night, and that winter he kept ducking under the drapes during a really cold spell (-degrees for a week or two). I thought at first he was just looking out, but finally I got curious and pulled them back. There was a three-inch solid block of ice around the bottom of the slider that he was nibbling on!

      1. fposte*

        Ugh, winter. I’m amused by your chinchilla, though–that is making lemons out of lemonade!

          1. Sorgatani*

            Maybe this is post-beach ‘bleh’ on my part, but I didn’t even notice the expression switcharoo the first time I read >.<'

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I think the warm air in your house cannot get at the glass to cause natural moisture to evaporate. But what do I know.
      Am going to ask my friend who helps me with my house and put in my windows. If you haven’t gotten an answer by tomorrow, I will let you know what he said. I’ll ask him how to remedy.

    3. SophieChotek*

      This happened once at my parents’ house (subzero/very cold) and I was house-sitting for my parents. I noticed in too — I told my mom and she muttered something about needing to adjust the…something..kind of like a dehumidifier and controlling moisture — whatever she did it seemed to work…I never saw the ice/frost buildup again…

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Okay, checked with my friend and there are three possibilities.

      1) It’s the shades. The shades are effectively blocking the heat and any moisture is icing over.
      2) You have a cold air draft somewhere around the windows, the cold air hits the warm air in your house and you get condensation which freezes under the shade.
      3) You have a damp basement and the moisture is coming up for the basement.

      Ideas:
      1) You can leave the shade up on one window over night and see if there is any difference between it and the other windows.
      2) You can feel around for cold air drafts. This would be easiest on bitter cold days.
      3) If you have a damp basement, you’d already be aware and can just add a dehumidifier.

      My friend uses wood heat, so his place is very dry. However, he has a regular shade on his front door. If he pulls that shade down the moisture will collect and freeze on the front door. It’s the only window in his place that does this. You’d think with the wood heat he would not have this problem, yet he does. So even a regular shade blocks the heat from a window.

      1. fposte*

        Thanks for the info and for checking further! I do think he’s right that it’s something to do with moisture exchange and am still considering your earlier evaporation theory; since the windows were better insulated than in previous winters, that makes sense to me. There’s a bit of a problem with this particular row of windows and moisture anyway.

        But I’m not interested in making my house any drier these days, so I may just put up with and soak it up as needed.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      That’s happened to me, but I have ancient double-hung, single-pane windows that I have to shrink wrap in the winter. One of them, in the kitchen, is missing the glass (it broke) so all I have there is a storm window. They need replacing. :P It tends to happen more on the windows that DON’T have wrap, which is strange.

    6. memboard*

      Not unusual. Below 0F is actually pretty cold. The only way to avoid this is to lower the humidity level in the house but that’s not really recommended as houses are too dry in winter in general. If there is a lot of humidity near the window (a humidifier, a shower, a stove) I would try to control that. In general nothing worry about.

      Maybe open the blinds during the day to let the windows warm up from the house?

    7. Amy the Rev*

      This used to happen to me! We had sealed all the windows in our apartment except for a couple (in case there was a fire/smokey cooking incident) and one of the unsealed ones was in my bedroom a the head of my bed. It was a drafty window so I’d stuff a blanket at the base of it, and in the mornings after a cold snap, my blanket would be frozen to the window. Frozen. I’d pull it off and little bits of blanket would stay stuck to the window.

  42. Anotheranony*

    I am a very emotional person and talk about my feelings. I also tend to dwell upon things to the point where my friends and family become annoyed and don’t want to deal with me because it is all I talk about.

    I feel like some angst-ridden, hormonal teenager, but I am not. I admire people who can see things clearly and know how to move on from situations and can put things in perspective. How do I do this? How can I become less emotional, detach from things and move on? Is it also a self-esteem issue?

    1. fposte*

      Hmm, interesting question–I’m hearing stuff about how you behave, stuff about how you feel, and stuff about how people react to you all mixed together there. Some of this may just be inclination, but if you’re willing to consider a therapist, I think CBT might be really helpful to you; it’ll likely help you find patterns other than verbal processing to deal with your feelings and teach you ways to self-soothe more effectively.

      When you don’t talk about your feelings, what happens?

    2. LizB*

      Do you journal? I also dwell on things, and I find that writing down whatever I’m dwelling on really helps me get it out of my head. If I have more thoughts on the subject later, I can always add another entry. I think it’s fine to be emotional and be in touch with your feelings, but when you’re at the point where it’s impacting your social relationships, you need to find another outlet.

      1. Dynamic Beige*

        What she said. Get it out of your head, into the real world on paper. Go back and read it again later (or not). You can make lists of things to try and how they worked out. Write poetry or draw things. Write in blue pen when you’re sad and red when you’re happy — you might find it interesting to see how many of one or the other you write about just by flipping through a journal.

        The thing is that unless you’re paying them, no one wants to be your therapist. If one of your friends was always talking about something — let’s say football — and you had no interest in that, eventually you would get tired of hearing it. It doesn’t make you a jerk, it makes you a human. We all have limited time and energy for things. A quote I heard fairly recently was “you are responsible for the energy you bring.” It’s not other people’s responsibility to be your sounding board or “fix” you or whatever it is that’s been going on… it’s yours. There’s nothing wrong with having feelings or strong emotions, and I would argue that suppressing them is unhealthy. Find reasonable ways to honour your feelings without imposing them on others all the time.

        As for whether or not it’s an esteem issue, I guess that would depend on what it is that you have difficulty detaching from/putting into perspective/moving on from. You might want to make that the first question you ask yourself in your journal, “Why can’t I let this go? What do I get out of holding on to this?”

    3. Melody Pond*

      If I were in your shoes, I would probably focus less on trying to be “less emotional” – because that’s simply a part of who I am. I need to be able to process my emotions, and very often I do this verbally, out loud with other people.

      Instead, what I would do, is view it from the perspective of the needs of other people (whose needs are every bit as valid and important as mine). Other people might need the chance to deal with their own needs by talking about their own stuff, and if I’m always dominating the conversation by focusing on my own emotional needs, I could see how that might lead them to resent me. So maybe what I’d do instead is try to focus on finding the most efficient ways to process my own emotions and meet my own needs, so that I have a fair amount of time to focus on other peoples’ needs, too.

      There’s a book I love called NonViolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, and it had a huge impact on me and how I view my own needs and other peoples’ needs. I recommend it to everyone.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      No one has mentioned this consideration so I will. I suggest getting a check up. Have your heart checked and have your mineral levels checked. Probably thyroid would be good also.

      Sometimes running emotional and getting locked on subjects can indicate discomfort inside the body somewhere. I would start here because if you are low on something all the talk therapy in the world is not going to bring that level up to normal.

      If you get a clean bill of health then yeah, therapy is probably a good idea. Maybe you have issues with feeling like you have not been heard. Maybe you feel like there is nothing new in your life so you revisit the old. Maybe you have had too much taken away from you so you attach to what you have. It could be any one of a thousand things, no way to know.

      I had a friend who was known for being emotional. She had a problem with too much chemical exposure. She lowered the amount of chemicals in her life and added some vitamins like vitamin B and she is much better.

      For the immediate moment I would try reading advice columns, read about how people are being advised to handle their stuff. See if anything resonates with you.

    5. misspiggy*

      They might be annoyed because they feel like you expect them to do something about your problems. You could try saying, ‘Can I just vent to you about this?’ But of course if you do that repeatedly about the same thing, they’ll feel like you’re using them as a kind of emotional punchbag – transferring your angst to them over and over again.
      I have a friend who will get worked up about the same issues over and over again, and it seems like she’s pursuing an emotional high and a sense of unburdening. But then I’ve got the burden! And I don’t get the satisfaction of having helped solve the problem, because she won’t do anything to change her situation.

      If you’re a bit like this, would you be able to get a sense of release and validation from other things (actual punching bags; dancing; writing; working with your hands)? Not saying you should completely stop unloading on people, but maybe mix it up so that you’re ‘getting things out of your system’ in varied ways, and venting to people less often.

      Or – if it’s that you want to make more progress with life problems – perhaps ask yourself what you’re getting out of not making certain changes. Do you like to see yourself as a genuine, heartfelt person? Would you worry that you’d be cold/selfish/something else bad if you took the obvious course of action? This might help you work out what’s blocking you.

    6. Colorado CrazyCatLady*

      Oh, I am like this too. Are you just talking about your emotions or are you being emotional (yelling, crying, etc.)? If it’s the latter, DBT might help you – it focuses on emotion regulation, distress tolerance, mindfulness. if it’s the former, I agree with others that journaling would be helpful.

      1. Anotheranony*

        It’s certain things that trigger these emotions- seeing an old friend, running into an ex. Then I either lament or relive the encounter. If it ended badly, I talk about it and try to defend myself or my actions. The situation stays with me for a few days until I either get sick of talking/thinking about it or something else occurs. I dwell on it and take a long time to move on.

    7. Amy the Rev*

      Woah are you me?!?!
      I’ve found that if your response to something is disproportionate to the depth of the relationship (like crying because you were supposed to have a first date with someone but they postponed) or disproportional to the event itself (getting really PO’d because a family member forgot to put away the dishes), it’s usually because some deeper issues that you have are being triggered.

      Looking downthread I see that you mention it’s often in response to running into an ex, etc. Some part of you might be trying to tell you that there are still unresolved issues that are being triggered by these run-ins. Sometimes, being able to name what the issue is, being aware of it and how it affects you, is enough for you to be able to get some distance from it and not be as viscerally affected.

      For example: I tend to get really anxious if I don’t hear back from someone I’m dating right away. Even if we’ve only been on a date or two. Really anxious. Once I realized that part of it was due to the fact that during my parents’ 8-year separation (which was pretty much my entire high school and college years), their relationship would run hot and cold, with seemingly no warning to me. So one day my dad would be over for dinner and they’d be fine, the next day my mom would be saying that she didn’t want us to have him over for christmas and was going to change the locks so he couldn’t just walk in when he’d come to drive us to school every day. My only model for a relationship was one of seemingly random instability, and I really internalized the (probably false) assumption that it’s very likely that at any given moment, someone you’re involved with could suddenly lose their feelings for you, and drop out of your life without warning. Knowing that THAT is what’s going on beneath the surface and fueling my anxiety about not having a quick response, makes the anxiety something that I can look *at* rather than look *through*, and helps me not be as controlled by it.

      I’d suggest that the next time you are feeling this way, really sit with the feeling and think about what it could be triggering in you, what assumptions it could be drawing on, or what issues it might be unconsciously related to.

      Good luck!!

  43. SadieMae*

    Seconded on “A Woman of Independent Means,” AAM. And you’re right about the humor. “Rob and I will be married this summer. Please don’t mention it to him when you see him, as I want to be the one to tell him…” :)

    You might also try “Fair and Tender Ladies,” by Lee Smith. Also the story of a woman’s whole life, told through the letters she writes to other people, but a very different sort of life – growing up dirt poor on a mountain in southwestern Virginia. It’s one of my favorite books: just tremendously moving and funny and colorful.

  44. Nolan*

    Has everyone heard about the new character added to the Sanrio (Hello Kitty) universe? Aggretsuko the red panda, she’s an office worker who hates her job and vents about it by getting drunk and doing angry heavy metal karaoke. They just released an intro video for her and it’s kind of amazing.

    4. salad fingers*

      Whaaaaaaat. And I thought Gudetama the lazy egg was the height of Sanrio anti-role models. I can’t wait!

  45. harley*

    Calling all dog people! (TL;DR: Having trouble connecting with my dog, halp.)

    I’m a dog person, I’ve grown up with them and always had them and generally never had a problem connecting with/reading/understanding the dogs in my life.

    Enter Winona (German Shepherd, six years old next month). She was rescued at three from a bad situation that I didn’t know the extent of until I took her home. I knew the woman who had owned her before me, she was elderly and couldn’t control her very well, walked her infrequently on a short leash with a muzzle, and often gave her to one of the neighborhood dog walkers, who had a reputation for abusing her clients’ dogs. The whole truth came out in the months after I adopted her: Winona had pretty much been kept in a bathroom for most of her life, and the dog walker suggested, to me, that I control her by kicking her in the face, and getting after her with my cane or a broom. (Honestly, if this is what she advocated for TO ME I have no idea what she did to that dog that she was ashamed to admit.) At the time, Winona was too fat to run or even shake water off of herself properly, she was basically molting, wouldn’t look directly at anyone, etc.

    At that point, I had another dog, Raylan, a pitbull the same age. Raylan was my heart dog. He saved my life twice in a real, physical sense, learned to detect and alert me of my chronic migraines before they hit, and was really bonded to me in a way I can’t describe to anyone if I tried. He died last March at five years old. End-stage liver failure that no one caught until he started having seizures out of nowhere, I lost him six months after the diagnosis. He and Winona were absolutely in love with each other. I think he really taught her how to be a dog in a lot of ways.

    Fastforward to now. Winona is at her target weight, runs everywhere, looks great, and loves me to death. I love her, too. I can’t imagine not having her in my life. The only problem is, I can’t read her. I can’t understand her at all. She doesn’t react to things like an average dog would, if she were a person I might think she had PTSD and maybe some brain damage? She’s calm and good, with me, when we stick to a routine but she loses it when something changes drastically, she’s afraid of everything from raindrops on the AC unit to hearing the phone ring (though I understand the phone thing; the dog walker who beat her was also known for being on her phone every time she had dogs out, and kicking them if they got out of line or disturbed her call). She acts like a puppy in a lot of ways, like chasing leaves on a walk, not recognizing herself in the mirror, etc etc. Everyone tells me I’ve done an amazing job getting her back to okay, but I feel like a fraud because I can’t connect with her. I know she does better with another dog in the house. I wasn’t ready to look for a buddy for her, for a long time, but when I renew my lease I’m going to be paying the pet fee twice over, with the landlord’s permission, and start seeing what’s out there. I work with her every day, we take walks and play and snuggle and all the rest of it, but it still just feels off.

    I don’t know what I’m even looking for, y’all. Advice, maybe? Reassurance that other people can’t necessarily read their dogs and it doesn’t make them a bad owner? That it’s not some horrible crime if I find her a buddy and understand this new dog better than I understand her? (Which is one of my big fears.) I’ve wondered if I’m somehow not clicking with her because I’m subconsciously comparing her to Raylan in my grief but I had this disconnect before, too, when he was alive. I’m willing to try anything, short of rehoming her, because I do love her, I feel like she has a better shot at a good life with someone who accepts her neuroses and doesn’t hold them against her, and honestly, she’s my girl, she has a forever home with me.

    1. Mrs. Fenris*

      I’ve had two pets that I didn’t really connect with, even though I loved them. Both of them were re-homed to me from people I knew, so I don’t know if that was part of it. One was a cat, and the other is one of my current dogs. I totally wouldn’t feel guilty. I imagine part of the reason you feel that was is that she is such a different type from your other dog. (The dog I don’t quite get is a Pug, and my other dogs have been active dogs with a clear “mission” in life.) Keep in mind that German Shepherds are extremely high strung by nature. Her weird moments may not even be the result of her background. Props to you for doing so much for her!

      1. harley*

        Thank you so much for pointing that out about Shepherds! I’d obviously much rather her weirdness be a naturally high-strung personality than something about her history triggering her in the moment. And you may be on to something about the difference in dog types — it’s funny, because I’m usually more oriented toward working-type dogs (I grew up around Malamutes) but the pit came into my life when I really needed a dog with his temperament, and maybe between that/how strong my connection to him was/how he was still kind of a buffer in my early days with Winona, part of this is needing to readjust? Thanks again :)

        1. LCL*

          I remember reading what one trainer said. German shepherds are experts in ‘what’s wrong with this picture’. That is how they look at the world. Anything new or out of place will be noticed and commented on.

    2. EmmaLou*

      No advice, but thank you for loving this poor little pup. We had German Shepherds and they are kind of pups all their lives. Not like a Golden Retriever but they like to play and To Have a Job. It makes sense that she freaks out when her routine is changed because horrible things happened if things didn’t go right and she had no idea what “Right” was. Golly, I want to kick that dog walker in the face. GS are very loyal to their own people. They will take a bullet for you. That’s why they make such good police dogs. That poor, poor thing.

      1. harley*

        I’d heard that about them, that once they pick their person, they’re protective of and loyal to them, and that’s just the end. And I realized she was finally settling and feeling safe with me when she got in between me and another person during two different situations that read pretty tense. No growling, nothing overt, just this pointed kind of “I think not.” :) I’m glad to know her puppy behaviors are normal, though. It’s actually super cute to watch her try to play with her reflection, and to play in general because she didn’t get to do that much/at all with her previous owner. (Her favorite thing is having me roll three or four tennis balls across the floor all at once so she can gather them up together, just in case I’d forgotten I had a herding dog in here.) I figure she’ll always be a little silly — as in, getting her head stuck in a pair of pajama pants and running through the house screeching, or the time she was stumbling to the ground and I was terrified until I looked closer and realized she was too busy watching the squirrels overhead to remember where the broken parts of the sidewalk were. But the ditzy moments are really endearing, too. (Photo link below, because she really is a lovely dog.)

        https://instagram.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/t51.2885-15/e35/13129400_1165605466803489_1000061964_n.jpg

        1. OhBehave*

          She is a beautiful pup! We adopted ours when she was 1.5 years old. She’s 12 now. She was found roaming the countryside so we don’t know her history. I am certain she grew up with cats because she stretches like a cat and grooms herself as such! We do know that she has some shepherd in her. And I am her person! She loves everyone else in the family, but I’m hers.
          I absolutely believe that your pup has PTSD of some sort. She is still ‘recovering’ from her first three years in hell. As if the isolation and being confined were not enough, she was then abused by the person paid to walk her! (this person should be reported to the local humane society). You should be encouraged by her obvious relaxation in your care. She is displaying her goofiness and she’s experiencing being a puppy for the first time. Some breeds never graduate!
          You may not feel the connection with her, but I can tell that it’s there. I wouldn’t dwell on it too much, even if you get another pup. Every dog is different; even within breeds.
          Thanks for loving her and rescuing her from hell.

        2. tigerStripes*

          Beautiful dog. Did you take the photo? She looks like a dog who is looking at a human she loves. Her being protective of you probably means that you are her human now, which is a big deal for a German Shepherd.

          Have you tried talking with or working with a trainer who is an expert on German Shepherds? That might help with understanding her.

          Having a confident dog friend might be really good for her, as long as she likes that dog and accepts that dog’s authority.

          The GSDs that I’ve known well have tended to be energetic and playful as long as they’re in reasonably good health. They’ve been very loyal and protective. They tend to bond to a few people and not be all that interested in anyone else. They’re smart and empathetic. They also tend to be independent-minded. I don’t know if that helps, and this might not be true of all GSDs, but it was true of most of the ones I’ve known.

    3. Loopy*

      So I don’t have advice my I can empathize on some points. I have a rescue and I’ve had him for about 4-5 years now. I adore him.

      But in many ways I still don’t understand him. He’ll be absolutely in love with someone he’s just met and then suddenly turn the opposite. I’ve tried forever to figure out what triggers some of the things he does as I want to be able to train and socialize but it is so sporadic seeming and mysterious. It can be so frustrating to have a dog that you just can’t seem to figure out. We lived with cats for months and it was 100% fine, but once we stopped, he now sees cats as The Enemy (as if he’s forgotten he actually had two cat buddies?!).

      I’ve told myself that it’s even more important that I keep my dog because he’d be rehomed in most homes (we have no other pets and no kids and not many visitors, so we have little risk as long as I’m responsible with him when on walks). I am a rare owner that can be patient with quirks because I have the flexibility and home that allows that, unlike if I had small children or other animals I had to consider- or even lots of people coming into the house. It does help if you ever need some perspective.

      1. harley*

        Thank you so much. The situation in your last paragraph resonates with me a lot: I’m home with her all day, people aren’t coming in and out of the house unless it’s one of the maintenance folks, no kids or small animals running around. She has a yard to patrol (when she’s not sleeping in the sun) and I’m fortunate to be in an area where we don’t run into too many strange dogs on her walks — she’s leash reactive and it’s getting better, but we used to live in NYC so it felt like I was setting her up for failure every time we went out! And yeah, I know if she was in a home where those things weren’t true, she’d lose her mind and be dropped off at the shelter, or put up as a free craigslist dog. Besides, I couldn’t live with myself if I sent her away from the first home where she could really open up and be a dog and learn to trust somebody. It’s really, really good to know someone else can empathize with this, thank you. :)

        1. Loopy*

          I’m so glad it helped! My dog is leash reactive too and doesn’t like other dogs. Over time I’ve realized there are *so* many things he can’t help (like not being able to jog with me, bike with me, go to dog parks, go to dog friendly cafes, go to dog friendly events, etc.) that would be deal breakers for so many owners. And yeah, sometimes I long to be able to go to a dog park or take him to the beach too, but none of those things are his fault, and many of them just aren’t something I can train him to overcome at this stage in life/with his situation.

          So it’s definitely go for both our dogs they have us! Even when it is a challenge! I’m so glad to hear you’re committed to giving this dog the home she needs. So many people want a fun, easy dog so these types have such a hard time finding a forever home!

      2. Cam*

        This is my dog exactly. He was a stray so we have no idea what he’s life was like before, but we definitely think he has doggy PTSD. Reactive on the leash, scared of absolutely everything, won’t enter certain rooms in the house, fears some people but we’ve never been able to pinpoint what his trigger is. I find him very hard to read and it seems like his moods can change very rapidly. The things that have helped him mellow out so far: prozac, getting his other medical issues under control, having a dog friend, leash that goes around our hips instead of hand held, and giving up on the idea that he will ever be able to tolerate crowds.

    4. JHS*

      First, can you report that dog walker to the police for animal cruelty? I am so sick of animal abusers just getting to roam free and re-offend. I encourage you to do anything you can do to stop this person from hurting another animal!

      Second, I think your issue is common with rescues. I got my dog from a rescue as a puppy and he still has major issues. I wouldn’t say I don’t understand him because I truly feel he is my soul dog. He is very emotional and introspective. However, he has a lot of emotional damage. If someone knew him as a puppy, we are all good. Better than good actually–he is the most snugly, loving, loyal guy. If not, it’s just bad bad bad. He is terrified of new people to the point he has bitten. This is a dog that is super well trained otherwise and knows tons of commands and listens (even in the middle of the dog park) but he can’t deal with strangers whatsoever. He also has debilitating separation anxiety. We have had the trainer come in and we have worked with him on it for the better part of a year. He wasn’t like that at all as a puppy and we tried so hard to socialize him but by 4-5 months old when we got him, the damage was apparently already done.

      The conclusion I have come to is that I love my dog and he has some issues. We continue to work with him on the issues but there are some that I’m not even sure can ever be fixed. I think you’re right that it’s PTSD (or as my husband and I call it, PTSDog. Keep doing what you’re doing. You’re doing an amazing job! Just try to remember that even if it’s slow going, you are doing right by that doggie and you are making his world brighter every minute of every day.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I think you know that not all dog relationships are the same. Each one is different. My last dog was a once in a life time dog. This guy that I have now was such a risk taker that I actually prayed he made it to age two. I didn’t even have time to figure out if I liked him or not, I was too busy trying to keep him out of trouble.

      One thing I see is are you mixing your lack of understanding ALL her concerns as being the same as not connecting with her? From what you say here she is VERY connected with you. We can see that you do love her because you have knocked yourself out trying to think of ways to help and you are still looking for ways. My suggestion is to relax your brain and decide that yes, in spite of many layers of complexity the two of you are indeed connecting.

      Now practical suggestions.
      I got a veterinary chiropractor to come to the house for this little mischievous one I have here. He was full of bullets. I don’t remember seeing him sleep very much for the first two years of his life. (I had my own things I was dealing with so I missed this critical piece of info.) We went over his behaviors, he had some mis-alignments that she took care of and then we dealt with calming him down. She follows Eastern medicine which I am not that familiar with, but whatever she gave him helped SO much. Next she suggested some changes in diet, one of the easier ones was adding turkey and taking out chicken. Apparently chicken makes them more hyped up. So a vet-chiro who follows Eastern medicine that is one suggestion.

      My other suggestion is a reiki practitioner. A family member ended up with a Katrina dog. This dog was beside himself, total fear, all the time. So family member took up on a friend’s offer to do reiki. The session was intense as the room got very warm. The next day my family member had a totally NORMAL dog. And he has stayed that way. He runs, he plays, he loves people and none of this was going on for him before the session.
      If you go this route try to find someone who has worked with animals before. Yes, the dog just let her do her work, it was not a horrible thing for the dog to go through.

      Good luck and thank you for taking this guy in.

    6. Jessesgirl72*

      Her added anxiety honestly might be coming from being an Only Dog. She feels like she has to be in charge now, and she doesn’t like it. I never knew how unhappy my dog was until we got our younger dog- she’s a Rott mix, and rules the house. He used to get really anxious about strange sounds and things too- and would get downright stupidly aggressive at big dogs (he’s a Chihuahua/terrier mix!)

      As to your connection? German Shepherds really can just be a little aloof. They’re not clowny hams like Malamutes or slavish in their adoration like Pitties. They are loyal and brave and good, but they don’t advertise it, if you know what I mean.

    7. Lynn Nielsen*

      You’ve got a lot of good comments. Here is my 2 cents:
      ‘when she got in between me and another person during two different situations that read pretty tense. No growling, nothing overt, just this pointed kind of “I think not”’ is a really good sign. It shows her control of herself, your bond, and how well she can read you. It is also typical for a German Shepherd.
      German shepherds can be remarkably silly for such a noble-looking dog. They just enjoy it. Like the falling down because of squirrel fascination then making a big fuss. This is an example of their strong focus on what they like. It also shows you how they do want to tell you about the ‘moooom I fell down’ things. It shows her bond with you, and that she thinks she is safe with you and you will take care of her. This is the single most important key to a mentally healthy dog.
      Getting her a buddy is a good idea. Make sure they meet several times to ensure she likes the other dog. Whackjob dogs (like mine) learn from observing calmer dogs that some things need not be feared. My guy got over his extreme fear of thunder that way.
      I am fairly sure my dog Warren was dropped on his head as a puppy. He is clever about some things, dumb as a box about others. You know that dog intelligence test? He couldn’t get past the first activity. Trainers and behaviorists agree it is best for us to do the things we enjoy doing rather than thinking we have to work to make him more typical. I take him as he is and enjoy his unique Warren-ness.
      Try addressing certain problems by changing the environment. For example, there may be a phone ring sound that worries her less. If you put a bathtub mat (or whatever won’t block the airflow) on top of the AC, the different sound may not bother her.
      Finally, try a sport that will burn off energy and keep her attention. Sheep herding, dry land mushing, swimming – whatever it is she likes, where she can run (or swim) like crazy and feel relaxed. Exercise her mind with ‘find it’ games, where you hide things and she finds them.
      Don’t worry about having a different connection with her. She is a different dog. She is doing great!

    8. Nicole J.*

      I really empathise, I had a rescue dog who was hard to read. I don’t know his full situation, but for example – he would never ask for anything. If he needed to go out, he would never go to the door, or bark, or even look alert. We just had to make sure we took him out regularly. He would never drink from his bowl if anyone was paying attention, or made a noise. (we think he was treated harshly if he made any kind of “mess” or exhibited normal dog-like behaviour.) He was a very thick dog (you could hide a tennis ball behind your back in front of him, and he’d have no clue where to look for it) and not really trainable but he was so soppy and laid-back it didn’t cause trouble. He was happy with us, but he never showed doggy enthusiasm – no leaping about and tail wagging – and the closest he would come to demanding play or attention was occasionally walking across the room and just lying down by your feet and going to sleep. He never demanded your time, but he needed company – you couldn’t leave him alone in the house. He didn’t play up, it just made him miserable (until he got so old that he really just wanted to sleep all day, anyway.)

      For the first two or three years when we took him out for a walk he would only follow close behind us – never ranged a bit ahead (we live in the country) or went off the path. If you stopped unexpectedly his head would bang the back of your knee. It took years of encouragement before he would go ahead of us on a walk and really enjoy it, stop to sniff at things, meet other dogs etc.

      We had him for 12/13 years (he was about 3 when we got him) and although we gave him a happy, affectionate, healthy, secure life those behaviours never really changed much. I still miss him and his quirks. I know he had a better chance with us than most others (he’d been returned to the rescue centre from one home already before we got him).

      I truly don’t think anything you’ve described makes you a bad owner; if anything it’s exactly the opposite.

    9. NoMoreMrFixit*

      Don’t be so sure you haven’t connected with her. We have a rescue dog. Very loving with the family but some things he just can’t help. Sadly he’s the dumbest pooch we’ve ever had. Clingy as heck with my mom who is his owner. Acts like a puppy in a lot of ways. He can’t respond like a “normal” dog would but we accept that and enjoy him for what he is.

      We have another older dog who is also the smartest little guy we ever met. Too smart as he knows exactly how much trouble he can get into and away with! Not to mention knows which person to hide behind depending on who is mad at him at the moment! And the two dogs mostly ignore each other.

  46. Lucy Westenra*

    New favorite poem:

    anyone lived in a pretty how town
    (with up so floating many bells down)
    spring summer autumn winter
    he sang his didn’t he danced his did

    Women and men(both little and small)
    cared for anyone not at all
    they sowed their isn’t they reaped their same
    sun moon stars rain

    children guessed(but only a few
    and down they forgot as up they grew
    autumn winter spring summer)
    that noone loved him more by more

    when by now and tree by leaf
    she laughed his joy she cried his grief
    bird by snow and stir by still
    anyone’s any was all to her

    someones married their everyones
    laughed their cryings and did their dance
    (sleep wake hope and then)they
    said their nevers they slept their dream

    stars rain sun moon
    (and only the snow can begin to explain
    how children are apt to forget to remember
    with up so floating many bells down)

    one day anyone died i guess
    (and noone stooped to kiss his face)
    busy folk buried them side by side
    little by little and was by was

    all by all and deep by deep
    and more by more they dream their sleep
    noone and anyone earth by april
    wish by spirit and if by yes.

    Women and men(both dong and ding)
    summer autumn winter spring
    reaped their sowing and went their came
    sun moon stars rain

    e. e. cummings

    1. C Average*

      There’s someone who posts here who uses the screen name “many bells down.” This poem runs through my mind every time I see that screen name. I love this poem, too, though not quite as much as “my father moved through dooms of love” and the one that ends with “no one, not even the rain / has such small hands.”

      Thanks for posting this!

    2. Camellia*

      Loved this in college 40 years ago, but had forgotten it! Thanks for bringing it into my life again!

  47. Bomb Yogi*

    How often do you need to clip your dog’s nails? My dog hates getting hers clipped with the fire of a thousand suns. Our vet charges $17 to trim which seems high to me.

    1. Mrs. Fenris*

      I rarely clip my dogs’ nails. They only need it when they are long enough to change the angle of the toe hitting the ground.

      Regarding the cost: Nail trims take 2 staff members (sometimes 3) several minutes during which they aren’t doing any of the other million things that need doing. They are hard work. People get bruises and scratches from it. You did say that your dog hates it. Do you really think $17 is a high price?

      1. Mrs. Fenris*

        I meant to add, you can work with your dog at home to teach them to be less afraid of nail trims.

    2. Northie Southern*

      Would you consider clipping them yourself? Mine absolutely hate it, so it takes 2 people to get it done, but they get over it pretty quickly when treats are involved.

    3. LadyKelvin*

      It depends. We walk our dog on concrete (not asphalt, it doesn’t wear down nails the same) and she runs a lot in the grass so her back feet don’t need cut more than every 2-3 months. We cut her front nails every 3-4 weeks depending on how long her dew claws get. You can keep an eye on her nails and if they get too long take them in, but I’d say every 6-8 weeks at a minimum. If they get too long the quick (the red center/bloodline/nerve) gets too long and then they have to be cut under anesthesia by the vet to control the bleeding. $17 doesn’t seem too high to me. My mom is a dog groomer in a low income area, most of her clients are on fixed incomes, SSI and SSD and she charges $10. A vet will charge more for sure.

    4. Loopy*

      My dog is very very similar and a large breed. Our vet charges the full office fee for him because he (the vet) has to be there in addition to the vet techs, so I end up paying like 50ish.

      I’d be thrilled if my vet would do it for 17.

      1. Loopy*

        Edit to add: realized he’s not actually a large breed- he’s medium, only 55 lbs. But he’s strong!

      2. LCL*

        My vets office does it for 20$. The work is done by the techs. We go every 4-6 weeks. He is walked a lot, some on pavement, he just has big tough nails.

    5. Nicole*

      No advice – I can’t clip my puppy’s either because she won’t sit still, but I’d gladly pay $17 for the vet to do it since she sits still for her. In fact I plan on asking them to do it at our next visit in a week. I’d rather pay the fee than get all scratched up when we’re playing.

    6. Bad Candidate*

      About every 2 months or so. There’s a groomer in town that does $10 no appointment nail trimmings every Friday for a local rescue, so we take him to that. The money goes entirely to the rescue so we figure it’s going to a good cause. It helps the rescue pay for medical bills and caring for the dogs while they are in foster care.

  48. Health Insurance issue help!*

    Does anyone have any advice for fighting a medical bill and still maintaining your sanity? I have turned into a crazy woman yelling and screaming at the billing office and doctor’s office because no one is helping me and I am stuck doing their job for them.

    I am doing my own research to figure out how an IUD check isn’t being covered by my insurance and figured out that they decided to code my visit for ovarian cysts which they HAPPENED to find after asking me to come in for an ultrasound because I had a difficult placement. My purpose was 100% going in for an IUD check and had nothing to do with cysts.

    Any medical coders or people in the medical field that can help me? I found some resources on Google that say anything “incidental” should not be listed as the primary diagnoses for a visit but for whatever reason my doctor’s office decided to code it that way.

    I am so frustrated and there is a part of me that wants to just pay it to make it go away, (it’s close to $300, which isn’t ideal but won’t put me on the street either) but I don’t want to reward them for their incompetence either.

    Professional advice on coding or personal advice from similar experience, anyone?

    1. Blue skies*

      Oh, I will be following this. I had to pay about $350 for the ultrasound for an IUD check. No cysts or anything found; the nurse practitioner simply couldn’t see the strings at a regular pelvic exam and said I had to get it checked right away.

    2. Nicole*

      My doctor’s office didn’t get pre-authorization for a catscan when I had a kidney stone and I got hit with a $1000 bill that took me nearly a year to get corrected. There was much back and forth between the doctor’s office and insurance which included filing appeals because by the time the insurance would deny the new order from the doctor’s office my official appeal window had closed (how convenient). Just document everything thoroughly and don’t give up. It’s frustrating for sure but I’m hoping they will see the error of their ways and fix it for you.

    3. fposte*

      It can be worth checking your state’s attorney general’s office to see if they do anything with health care–mine has a whole division devoted to dealing with health care complaints, and they were useful in a prior miscoding for me.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, this is what I would do, just sledge hammer the problem. I don’t have much patience for problems with my docs’ billing practices. I don’t think it should be my job to tell them how to do their job. And I don’t need the added stress, I am usually at max capacity by this time. Try two or three times to remedy the problem if you don’t get results head to the AG’s office. In your letter/email make note of what you have tried so far and the responses each time.

        I read that 95% of medical bills contain some type of error. Where is the line between an honest mistake and fraud? I hope we find it soon. So far our solution is to just raise premiums.

    4. the gold digger*

      I feel for you. I wrote to the insurance commissioner of Michigan about Blue Cross of MI (I HATE YOU SO MUCH YOU JERKS) because they considered my visit to a specialist, who happens to have his office in the basement of the teaching hospital here, as a hospital visit ($MMMMMM deductible) rather than a specialist office visit ($45 co-pay).

      I lost. I fought for months. I paid the bill because I did not want the doc to turn me over to collections, but I fought for months.

      I hope you have better luck than I did. You might try writing to the insurance commissioner in the state where your insurance is to complain.

      1. Health Insurance issue help!*

        That is HORRIBLE! I can’t believe they did that to you, and you lost. Did they give you a reasoning for their determination? The healthcare and insurance industry is such a mess and I cannot believe that they can ruin people financially like this without any checks and balances.

        Thank you for the support and good advice. I just put in a dispute through the billing office (which is what I THOUGHT I had done a couple months ago but then just found out whatever they originally told me to do wasn’t technically a dispute, it was a something else and basically they just do a quick overview and resubmit the same thing).

        I’m ready to pull my hair out, and they have started calling me, which is how I found out my other request wasn’t actually a “dispute” so I am scared about it going to collections and considering paying it.

        2. Rogue*

          I used to work for a third party billing company and my speciality was denied claims research. Our doctors wouldn’t let us send something to collections that was open and being disputed with an insurance company. Make sure you stay on top of things though! Call the office and speak with the supervisor in the billing department & explain what the insurance said, have her pull your records so she can see what you went in for is not what they billed for and that’s why the insurance is denying. Once you speak with them, if you feel you aren’t getting anywhere, call the insurance company and they’ll usually do a 3 way call with the doctors office so everyone is on the same page. If the reason the insurance is denying the claim is because of the Dx code, depending on the insurance and length of time it’s been since the date of service, the doctor’s billing department will either be able to submit a corrected claim (with the corrected diagnosis code) or they may have to send a letter to the insurance company’s appeals department with a corrected claim and possibly supporting documentation. It should be fairly easy to fix and get paid, as long as they didn’t sit on the denial for too long. Also, this doctor’s billing department is lazy and sucks. They should have researched the claim immediately upon receiving the denial.

          1. Health Insurance issue help!*

            Thank you! And yes, thank you for verifying their billing office is horrible.

            I have been a patient there for a few years, even recommended several girl friends there, but last year was a series of errors on their end (unrelated to this, but also led to extra incorrect bills), and I just want this to go away and never deal with their office again. The last time, the nurse practitioner was very helpful and was very embarrassed by how many clerical errors they made and she was the reason I went back to that office. I keep leaving messages for her, but they don’t give them to her and just have someone else call me back (or no one).

            1. Rogue*

              I’m sorry you have had to deal with that. I wouldn’t doubt if staff has changed in the past year if billing issues have popped up when previously there were none. If you want to go the easiest route, that’s going to be just pay the doc’s office and be done with it. However, me being who I am, i would refuse to do that. If you’re able, I’d go into their office and make them deal with you….if you can’t or don’t want to do that, but don’t want to just pay the doctor, try talking to your insurance company and see if you’re able to appeal it directly with them. You’ll probably be required to provide some sort of documentation, but that may be the route to go if the billing office is being unresponsive.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        BC is doing this all over. My boss was just complaining about this. I hope you can write the US AG at some point and complain that this is going on. You may/may not get your money back but maybe you can help prevent future occurrences.

        1. the gold digger*

          What made me so furious was that there is nothing at all in the plan description stating that any visit in a hospital counts as a hospital visit, with the $750 deductible, and that the doc’s office coded the visit as an office visit but the location code was hospital, so BC ignored the visit type code in favor of the location code. If I had known that was the case – that going to the hospital – which is where almost all of the specialists in my area have their offices because it is the medical school for the state, I would sought someone with a non-hospital office, even if it meant driving 30 minutes.

          I wrote to everyone at BC, including the CEO. I want some kind of vengeance, but saying I hope they all rot in hell seems a bit strong.

          1. Health Insurance issue help!*

            What about the media? I don’t know how long ago it was, but this would make an good news story (especially if it is still happening) and if you ask around, I’m sure there are others in the same boat. I think a class action lawsuit would be in order.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            Yeah, you have to go external with these types of things. Bring in third parties. It’s pretty much a waste of time to complain to people inside the company. I go to the AG because it as close as you can get to having your own lawyer without paying for one. (Well, we do pay, through taxes.)

            Personally, I think what you are talking about is insurance fraud. People make appointments to see their doc. The office just happens to be in the hospital. So they get billed double or triple for a routine office appointment. I say this is deliberate and willful misrepresentation of what transpired and therefore it is insurance fraud. People should not have to explain obvious things to the insurance company but they do. Even once explained the insurance company chooses not to respond. Which is yet again another act to defraud insurance funds.

            But I also think the double pricing that is used is also insurance fraud. People think that I am weird.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        Ugh! That happened to me at the north branch of a local hospital, which had an urgent care clinic at one point. I went there for a sprain and it got coded as an ER visit. They dunned me for ages about it. I couldn’t get it resolved so finally had to pay it. Stupid.

    5. neverjaunty*

      I am convinced that medical billing offices are staffed with real-life versions of the afterlife workers from Beetlejuice.

      1. Rogue*

        Most are staffed by young, ill trained people. Even the certifications offered by some schools don’t actually prepare people do do the job well and most people just have no clue. Billing is difficult because insurance companies are ALWAYS changing what is required and sometimes they don’t even bother telling companies, they just deny everything.

        1. Dan*

          Yup. Ex worked for a place like that for a month. She had her own issues, don’t get me wrong, but quit after a month. However, the stuff she described was horrid. As in, people getting fired for browsing Facebook. I mean, if fb is so bad, why not put in a blocker?

          But yeah, I got the impression that the Chinese treat their sweatshop workers better.

          1. Rogue*

            The place I worked at you couldn’t access the Internet at all. You couldn’t use your phone unless on a scheduled break. You would get reprimanded for using the rest room at a time other than a scheduled break. Don’t talk to your coworkers either! And don’t worry, even when the owner is out, she’s listening and watching. We were all incorrectly classified as independent contractors too. In the 3 years I was there, we probably went through at least 100 employees, many of whom would quit their first day. (Say they forgot something in their car and never come back). By the time I left, I was 2nd in seniority and the person in 1st had only been with the company a couple of months longer. The whole set up reminded me of a sweat shop.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        It does not help that bills are not writing in plain English. Billing has been deliberately made hugely complex. There is no other industry where one receives a bill that says “code 23587. pay $750”.
        Any other arena you have to receive an itemized list in clear English that shows you what you are paying for. The opportunity for mistakes. deception and pure fraud is huge here.

        1. Rogue*

          There’s usually an explanation of each code attached to the explanation of benefits. Sometimes though, even those don’t provide thorough explanations.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Am giggling. My EOB came days or a week later. It was like playing Concentration to match these things up. If you are trying to do this for someone like parents and you have no idea what is going on, it’s almost impossible to figure out.

  49. BBBizAnalyst*

    Not a question but an observation/rant. I hate when I tell people I plan on doing nothing and they assume I’m available to help them so they ask for a favor.

    No, I plan on doing nothing means I’m relaxing. I don’t want to want to spend my weekend on any projects that don’t involve me relaxing.

    1. Nicole*

      I suggest you tell them you have plans. I have learned, from reading this site actually, that you don’t owe anyone an explanation, but if you keep it vague like that at least they won’t assume you’re available. You are “busy” … which could mean anything. No need to elaborate.

      1. fposte*

        I also think “nothing” can be used as social code for “please ask me to do something.” I think a phrase like “hang out and relax” might be more successful–and it’s also possible that these people who are asking for favors will do it absent anything but an invitation to the White House.

    2. C Average*

      I think it’s all in the delivery. When I have a free weekend or day off and people ask me what I’m doing, I often tell them, “I’m doing nothing . . . and I can’t wait!” Doing nothing, even just having unallocated time in which I can either do nothing or do something, is one of my favorite things.

    5. Temperance*

      When someone asks what you’re doing, just do what I do and lie and say that you’re still sorting it out, and ask what THEY are doing.

  50. Stylish Entrepreneur*

    I’m in a bit of a weird situation.

    It doesn’t pay my bills, but on the side of my everyday activities, I buy things to sell on a women’s fashion app. It brings in enough money to feed my shopping addiction, and when I purchase things from thrift stores or other resellers/closet clear out-ers, I feel like a better person because I’m keeping something out of a landfill or 3rd world country. (The True Cost documentary will change your perception about the “wonderful” fashion industry.) I’m also broke/cheap so I don’t like to go pay $60 for new jeans anyways.

    Enter 98% of the populations stigma about Goodwill’s, reselling clothing, etc. I don’t feel like I can tell anyone about what I do, and it’s becoming increasingly hard to hide. It takes up a room in my home, I’m constantly carting multiple packages to the post office, and I’m honestly not a person who can afford a $400 shirt, so it raises eyebrows when wearing one.

    It’s limiting my relationships, because I don’t want to bring new friends into my home, and it’s preventing me from saying because I don’t want to have to hide it or really discuss what I do. I also don’t want to quit.

    1. Nicole*

      Is there such a stigma? I had no idea; I brag all the time about my finds at Savers (which is like Goodwill). I don’t think you should worry what other people think. People who don’t care for what you do but are good people will keep their mouths shut and those who have something nasty to say will have revealed what kind of people they really are. It’s win-win if you ask me!

      1. the gold digger*

        Me, too! Jeans are only $7.50 at Goodwill. Why would I ever pay more than that? The less I spend on clothes, the more money I have to travel. I think of it as going through a friend’s closet for clothes she is tired of wearing.

          1. Stylish Entrepreneur*

            Some stores are even less! They’re $5 at one of mine, and $2.50 on the right color tag day! And (I believe) in Arkansas, Goodwills are tax free!

    2. fposte*

      It seems like you’re sure there’s a stigma even though you haven’t actually encountered any stigma for what you do. It doesn’t seem all that controversial to me, given that thrifting is hugely popular, so what if you just started telling people? “For a side gig I flip clothes.” I think your main risk is that people will find it really interesting, and you say you don’t want to discuss it. Would it bother you to talk about it even with people who thought it was cool?

    3. C Average*

      I think it’s awesome. If I had an extra room in my house, I’d do it, too. Almost everything I own I’ve either made or bought at the Goodwill.

      I just finished reading this book called Wear No Evil, and it encourages thrifting as a responsible environmental choice. In my opinion, it’s not just environmentally responsible, it’s fun! There’s something really thrilling about hunting for bargains, finding good-quality stuff in good shape, running across beautiful vintage pieces, etc.

      Have you had people actually judge you for this, or are you afraid they would so you don’t share what you do? If I knew someone who did this, I’d admire them, not judge them. Surely there are some people in your circle who feel likewise? I hope so.

      1. Stylish Entrepreneur*

        The people I am closest to are certainly supportive, though I can count the people who know on about 7 fingers. But I also live in an area where if you’re not living in a mansion, wearing Addidas, North Face, whatever other trendy mall-ish brands there are, you basically aren’t much of anything at all. The people around me have a clearly negative view of it. I’ve tested the waters when people were complaining about needing something but not wanting to pay retail for it with “Oh, maybe the Goodwill would have it?” in a light hearted manner, but everyone’s been offended that I would even suggest they stoop so low.

        1. Christy*

          There’s a big difference in stigma between *choosing* Goodwill and *needing* Goodwill. I live in a wealthy area and I’ve definitely heard people brag about shopping at Goodwill.

          But it’s different when you’re forced to. In your earlier conversation, you implied that your acquaintance *needed* to shop at Goodwill. (Intentionally or not.)

          I bet if you didn’t try to push Goodwill on others at all, you wouldn’t get any pushback. Bewilderment, maybe, but not pushback. (Your hobby sounds very unfun to me personally, but I hate all shopping.)

          1. C Average*

            This is so true. I grew up lower middle class and we shopped thrift stores out of necessity. I remember pleading with my mom to take me thrifting in a neighboring town instead of our town, because I feared we’d accidentally buy something that had belonged to a classmate and that it would be recognized. At a certain point in high school, I decided to just own it as a thing I did and enjoyed doing, and my peers were actually more accepting than I’d expected. It turned out that a few of them did it, too, some out of necessity and others for fun.

            I’ve been out of the closet about it ever since and haven’t gotten much in the way of judgment. One thing people do seem appalled by is the fact that I buy secondhand shoes. Not sure why this is such a thing. I actually like buying my shoes already broken in, and I’ve never caught any foot fungus or anything (nor does it seem likely that a person even could).

    4. EmmaLou*

      There is a stigma, but you know what? Who cares what those people think? Of course that’s easy for me to say as I’m not currently trying to ignore “the looks”. Or the “Oh. Goodwill?” comments. Most people are sensible. Most people are kind. Some people haven’t thought things through. Don’t hide what you do. It’s clever. It’s smart and it helps people. And you can just go right ahead and personalize that, “I’m clever. I’m smart and I help people.” I wouldn’t necessarily introduce myself that way but you can say it inside to the “Oh. Goodwiller?” ers.

    5. AliceBD*

      I have friends who do this. I don’t do it to the amount you do it, and I don’t do it for clothes, but I’ve definitely bought purses and such at thrift stores and yard sales and sold them online for more money. I don’t see any issue with mentioning it; no one I’ve ever said anything to has said anything negative about it, and I wouldn’t think anything of it if someone told me they did it. Have you had people be rude to you about it or react negatively?

      1. Stylish Entrepreneur*

        I believe a lot of it is the area I’m in, and the “holier than though attitudes” – I have hinted that I’m open to shopping at the Goodwills/don’t have a problem with anyone else doing it, and the reactions have been.. less than enthusiastic.

        1. fposte*

          Though it’s amazing how even in posh areas the fact that you’re making money at it is a whole different ballgame. It can be the difference between buying a shabby house in the unfashionable neighborhood and making bank flipping that house.

          ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

        2. Temperance*

          I grew up in a poor area, and now live in a more upscale one. We all thrift out here, whereas it was shameful where I grew up.

    6. Alice*

      Anyone who would give you the cold shoulder because of this – would they really be worth having as friends anyway?
      I don’t understand any stigma about this. It’s good for the environment and for the people who are very pleased to buy from you.
      Then again, I’m the person who goes to the Goodwill every spring to buy 5 pairs of sunglasses (so I don’t get angsty when I inevitably misplace/drop/break them).

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Open up a consignment shop or a classy reuse place. There’s one near me. They have garments in the thousand dollar range originally. This is very funny. My area is very poor, so the people who shop there are the upscale people of my area. The shop has been in business for decades.

      The only thing that concerns me about what you are doing is that you feel the need to hide it. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing.

      I almost fell out of my chair over the assumption that 98% of the population has ill will for Goodwill. Come to my area. 98% of the population shops at Goodwill.

      You know. I really hate it when people get snobby. I hate being around snobby people. Maybe your actual problem is you need to move or find new friends. I don’t think you are too impressed with the ones you have and I’m not wowed either.

      My vote is for doing what it takes to live your life out in the open. If people are embarrassed about your second hand clothes then maybe they aren’t that much of a friend anyway. Have the audacity to be one of the leaders in breaking this stigma. I’ll join you. I have not bought anything brand new in at least six years.

      1. TheLazyB*

        I actually went charity shop shopping with a friend recently; I got some fab new work clothes and she got a beautiful mirror. We are still both very excited and planning to do it again soon.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          It’s no different than going to tag sales. Why would I pay full pop when I can get it for 90% off a couple months later?
          My friend who helps me with my house went tag saling with me. We found so many bargains and it was all stuff we used to fix my house. I also go to going out of business sales. I picked up $1200 cabinets for $75 each.
          Stuff goes out of style the minute it hits the store. Might just as well pay as little as possible and look for stuff you really want. The whole concept of being in vogue is an illusion.

    8. Al Lo*

      On a sort of related note (without taking away from your advice-seeking), does anyone know of any good consignment apps that are available in Canada? The good ones all seem to only be available in the U.S., and I would really love to divest some of my stuff without the hassle of dealing with it piecemeal on my own. I want to send it to something like ThredUp and have someone else deal with it, and if I get a small cut of the profit, that’s great.

    9. Victoria, Please*

      Envy me! I just found a Citron silk dress at GW today! Speak happily of your $400 shirt and heck with anyone who is unreasonably squicked out! They should not be.

    10. Victoria, Please*

      And sorry, posted before I read the comments and I didn’t mean to sound flip. Your neighborhood sounds… difficult. Please, march to your own drummer, you might give someone else the courage too.

    11. Franzia Spritzer*

      Maybe you can think about how to frame the nature of your business to the people you think will be judgey, like say you’re a vintage reseller if that’s accurate, or you’re a stylist if that’s more inline with what you’re doing. Play down the shopping part, and play up the reselling of quality fashion merchandise.

      What fashion app are you using?

      1. Stylish Entrepreneur*

        It’s funny you mention that, because I actually do “thrift styling” on the side! I use Poshmark to sell, and Instagram for styling clients.

    12. Girasol*

      When people ask me about clothing “where did you get that?” and it was some thrift store or other, I say, “I don’t quite remember” or “Must have been a garage sale.” People think thrift stores are dirty places where poor people go but garage sales are clean and neighborly and you’re cool if you nail a bargain. I’m with you: you can’t get the huge selection at a garage sale that you can at a thrift store, and it’s the same, often brand new, stuff on its last stop before Africa or worse, a landfill. It’s my theory, as I live in designer clothes I couldn’t possibly afford, that much of it is obligatory Christmas gifts that didn’t fit or didn’t suit, and that’s how so much comes to second hand with the original tags still on. I’ve never resold, so I’m in awe of your skill, but couldn’t you position it as relocating high fashion? After all, if some famous actress casts off a designer dress, surely people don’t imagine it should go into her bathroom wastebasket.

    13. Temperance*

      I’m a thrifter. I don’t think that there is a huge stigma against Goodwill, but I have seen one against resellers. My neighborhood “free store” has had to ban certain people because they would take stuff for free and then sell it.

      I have a weird hobby, too – extreme couponing. I do not ever talk about it, but my stockpile is in the addition to my house that no one ever goes in. A few friends and my sister know, but it’s something I’m not super proud of.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I did the extreme couponing thing when we first got married. I was able to pay about 40% of our grocery bill that way. It would have been more if I was less picky. I remember one time the cashier deducted the coupons and my husband refused to pay. He told her that could not possibly be what we owed. lol. The cashier patiently explained the bill was correct. Too funny.

    14. Stephanie*

      Dillard’s will have sales where they have half off sale items. So you can get a $500 purse for like..$125. Last time I went, they had a limit of three purses. I sense this is to curb people reselling them for a profit. This is to say that this is definitely a thing people do!

    15. Elizabeth West*

      Poo on what people think. What’s wrong with buying used stuff? Plus there are people who resell used stuff all the time–ask anyone who runs or visits a flea market. I buy used clothing (sometimes; mostly stuff doesn’t fit me, and no shoes, ever), half the furniture in my house is used, most of my books are used, and I even go to the flea market first when I need dishes or pans.

  51. C Average*

    I’m working on a wacky project I’m kind of excited about.

    I’ve sewn for pretty much all my life, and have recently begun using a serger. I’ve also started doing more of my own design work, taking bits and pieces from other patterns and tweaking them to my liking.

    So I’ve come up with this idea to create a capsule wardrobe (I’ve long been obsessed with capsule wardrobes) based on the attire of medieval peasant women. I’m interested in the austerity and practicality of their wardrobes. They were outside in all sorts of weather. They were doing all kinds of activities. They were having babies. And often they owned only a handful of garments that had to last them for years.

    Some of the garments they wore had really beautiful lines, and they did a lot of purely practical layering–underdress, overdress, shawl. They also had these really cool detachable pockets I’m trying to recreate. I’m using modern fabrics and construction techniques, but trying to use natural fibers and subtle colors. My eventual goal is to make a capsule for each season, with pieces that can be mixed easily between seasons.

    1. Loopy*

      That is so so cool! Every so often I dabble in light research of historical clothes when I want to do some creative writing and want to be accurate and descriptive. There have been some fascinating blogs/podcasts (none of which I can recall:( ) about really cool historical clothing trends.

    2. Stylish Entrepreneur*

      Believe it or not, you’re fairly close to a new trend. Victorian style tops are slated to come back this year! I think the fashion industry is definitely coming back to the “ancient” styles – so you may very well be able to call yourself a trendsetter for beating them to the punch!

      1. SophieChotek*

        They have???? Really??? I had no idea! Where can I see photos! That would totally excite me!

      2. C Average*

        Haha, awesome! I dress pretty weird and definitely in my own style, and it’s fun when I find myself accidentally on-trend. What’s that expression about a stopped clock being right twice a day?

      1. C Average*

        I want to eventually sew some things and maybe sell them on Etsy. I’m not quite there yet in terms of confidence. Every time I make something for myself and use a similar technique more than once, I notice steady improvement with each iteration. I want to make sure I’m not still working out the bugs when I start sewing stuff for other people.

        So far the only things I’ve made for other people have been gifts: quilts, aprons, the tallits for all the bar and bat mitzvahs in the family. But I get asked pretty often about the stuff I make, and I’m beginning to think people might actually be interested in buying it. Which would be really cool.

        1. SophieChotek*

          I think ETSY could be a great option. I’ve a friend who told me she just opened her shop op ETSY before Christmas and sold several hundred dollars worth of stuff. (She didn’t tell me though if it was all friends/family buying, or if she was reaching a new audience.)

    5. Rahera*

      Sounds fascinating – I hand sew quite a lot but haven’t graduated to machine sewing yet. I’m hoping to make a start on some simple sewing this year. :)

      1. C Average*

        I actually still love hand-sewing best! It takes longer, but it’s so zen . . . and so portable.

        You can do it! The hardest part of learning to sew on a machine is learning to thread the thing. Once you’ve got that, you’re golden.

    7. Gene*

      Look to see if there’s a local affiliate of the International Costumers’ Guild near you. Whatever you’re trying to do, someone there may have already done and can help you.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      That is so cool!

      Since I quit skating and no longer sew costumes, I’m interested now in house stuff. Pillow covers, blankets, place mats, etc. I’ve hated sewing but I think it’s mostly because I’ve been doing most of it with stretch velvet, the hardest stuff of all to sew. Urp! I don’t know about trying clothes. Maybe a costume of some kind, but I’m confused by anything other than simple patterns (Kwik Sew I can handle). Maybe that comes from the dyscalculia–I don’t know.

  52. roseberriesmaybe*

    Long time lurker, first time writer here. The comments are also so helpful here, so I’m going to leap straight in. I’m in my first real relationship, and I’m at a bit of a loss. We don’t really drink, or have a load of cash to spend at the moment, and neither of us has a car. There isn’t much I can think of to do with those constrictions so any tips for dates would be much appreciated! What is the best date you’ve been on?

    1. Nicole*

      I’m not sure where you’re located, but if the weather is agreeable, what about visiting a park and packing a picnic lunch? My husband and I would do that in the summer and we really enjoyed ourselves.

    2. Elkay*

      We used to live near some beautiful national parks accessibly by train so a couple of times we packed a picnic and went for a hike between stations.

      I also enjoy movie/TV marathons.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      If you live in a large, touristy city, go be tourists in your own town. Get a guide book from the library and pick a few places you never go because they’re too crowded or you did them when you first moved there.

      Best date I’ve ever been on? Hmm. They usually involved a lot of walking and talking. My first alone time with my now-boyfriend was spent exploring a city in Mexico and visiting a very strange science museum.

      1. SophieChotek*

        Along with that, if you can get to these museum on public transport, even if there are entrance fees, some libraries have certificates/free passes you can rent/pick up at the library.

    4. EmmaLou*

      We like theme weekends. All 80s movies and 80s food. Back to the Future marathon with Pizza; Pop Rocks. Lots of movies at the library. LOTR with a nice roast chicken ;-), stuffed mushrooms, (ginger) ale. We liked to take walks after dark. (This may be the wrong season for that.) We like to go to furniture stores and imagine that we are loaded and furnish our imaginary, very large house. It’s fun to find that even if you had all the money in the world, you still wouldn’t want the white leather sofa with the cooler inside. (Unless you do.) We’re readers so we’re usually reading a book together. One reads aloud while the other cooks or drives or does the dishes or whatever. Or we go to a coffee shop, take our books and slowly drink coffee every now and then reading the best bits aloud to each other. We’ve taken classes together. (Check the local rec center or community college.) It’s one fee for a weekly date.

    5. LizB*

      – borrow DVDs from the library — find out what movie or TV show the other person hasn’t seen that you love, or something neither of you ever got around to that’s supposed to be great. Some of my favorite dates have been watching ridiculous guilty pleasure movies.
      – board games or card games — board games will be more expensive, although you can sometimes find good ones at Goodwill, and Cheapass Games provides some free-to-print games if you’re willing to put in the time. Cards are cheap, and you can find instructions for various games on the internet. My boyfriend and I have gotten really into cribbage lately.
      – if you’re both into cooking, find a really interesting/fancy/complicated recipe and try it out. Or, do some kind of silly food challenge — make Chopped-style ingredient baskets for each other and eat the results, try to make the best meal possible on a $10 budget at the local Aldi or ethnic grocery store, etc.
      – this heavily depends on where you live, but my city is very cold and there are quite a few little free ice skating rinks that pop up during the winter, some of which have skates to borrow or rent.

    6. SophieChotek*

      Do you like games at all? There are different meet-ups with games (you wouldn’t necessarily have to buy the game)– it wouldn’t quite be a date — but maybe could be part of it? I know where I live there are several game stores that have different game nights.

    7. ..Kat..*

      Is there a college or university nearby? They often have free or cheap presentations. Also, home cooked meals. This is what my husband and I did when we first started dating and both were on tight budgets.

    8. C Average*

      My now-husband invited me over to go sledding with him after our area had a big blizzard. “We have lots of hills near my house,” he said. “Just bring a sled.” He made brandy-laced hot chocolate for us. It was pretty magical. (We’d been acquaintances and then friends for many years, but our snowday together was what took us to the next level. When I ordered his wedding band, I got “SNOWDAY!” engraved on the inside.)

    9. Chaordic One*

      Our public library has free lectures and movies. There’s something going on at least a couple of times a week.

    10. Sorgatani*

      In the early stages of our relationship, the fella and I used to walk through the local parks and around the lake together. The kicker here is that it was at night. We also went out for icecream on foot in the middle of a thunderstorm, just for the fun of it!
      We also do the occasional lunchtime picnic near the same lake – we’ll grab either takeout or general supplies on the way, and eat there. It is maybe a 10-to-20-minute walk from where we live to the lake.
      Enjoy each others’ company, and the activity becomes background to the precious moments you spend together.

  53. Nicole T.*

    Long time reader, but this is the first time I am commenting.

    My husband and I have been married over 3 years, together 4 years. It’s been up and down a lot, but the past 2 years have been good. We went out with his coworkers Thursday and ny husband and I got into a fight once we got home at 10:30. He was acting very angry and aggressively out of the blue and he took some of his things and left at 11pm. I was unable to sleep all night and my calls go straight to voicemail. Despite no sleep, Friday I went into work. I discovered he transferred all of our joint savings account money to his personal checking account. I was at work and felt so upset and anxious the rest of the day. I’m so sad and have no support network. Thanks for listening.

    1. fposte*

      Whoa, Nicole, that’s really bad. I’m sorry. Of course you’re sad! I hope you can find ways to be kind to yourself, especially this weekend.

      On a more belligerent note: transferring the money from the joint account isn’t kosher. It’s not his money. If this does go to court, he’ll find judges *really* hate that, and it’s not going to make any difference to what he’s considered to owe you. I think you look into lawyers Monday morning.

      Hang tough.

      1. neverjaunty*

        Yes, exactly. Nicole T., please see a lawyer IMMEDIATELY to find out how to protect yourself – if you are in the US, you can call your county and state bar association for a referral, and usually you can talk to someone for an initial consultation for free or very little money. (Sadly, your situation is not unusual.)

        Change your passwords, open an account at a DIFFERENT bank and start putting your paycheck in it instead of the joint account.

        I’m sorry you are dealing with this.

        1. fposte*

          Oh, good point on the different bank–it’s too easy for slippage to happen at the same bank.

        2. Rahera*

          I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this, Nicole. This advice about a separate account at another bank seems very sensible to me too. Wishing you all the best.

      2. Dan*

        Um.., it’s still his to take, right? I’m not trying to be difficult– if ones name is on the account, it’s theirs that take, right? I could be wrong, but that’s the impression I got in my state.

        It’s one thing if he stashes it in a new account, but if he spends it, she could be SOL.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          If they’re separating, no, because at that point it’s a joint asset to be divided — and divorce judges tend to be really pissed off when they see a spouse doing that, and can order it returned and even give him less in a property settlement because of it.

        2. fposte*

          It’s jointly his and hers. He doesn’t have to leave it untouched, but he can’t deprive her of it any more than she can lock him out of the house and deprive him of the residence that’s jointly theirs.

          If he’d just taken half, there might be some wrangling in court over what the appropriate percentage really was, but it wouldn’t have been seen as a blatant bad faith action the way this will be.

    2. Sibley*

      Oh Nicole, hugs. I suggest that you get a bank account with only your name on it and change your paycheck so it goes into that account.

      Good luck, hope you can work things out.

    6. SophieChotek*

      Oh no! I feel for you.
      Second getting a second bank account with only your name.
      While I hope things can work out (whatever that might be) advocate for yourself and I hope you have friends/family who can support you too!

    7. chickabiddy*

      That is awful and terrible and I am so sorry. My circumstances are different but I am also going through a contentious divorce and I send you as much support as I can over the Internet.

      Get screenshots or statements showing the transfer and, if you can, a way to document that it happened *after* he left the marital home. Divorce laws are pretty state-specific and I am not an attorney, but this may be something you will need to document down the road.

      1. fposte*

        Tempting, but that’s not usually a good plan for the same reason taking the money out of the joint account isn’t a good plan–the residence belongs to both of them, and she can’t just decide he doesn’t get to use it.

        1. Mreasy*

          Nicole, if you fear for your physical safety, don’t hesitate to take any steps you need to.

          1. fposte*

            Yes, absolutely, and I don’t think anybody was saying otherwise.

            But it’s important for her to be aware that locking her husband out is likely to be a legal problem; it could hurt her in any divorce action and, if it’s construed as an illegal eviction (which it easily could be, if they’re renting or he’s not an owner of the house), the cops could require her to let him back in, she could be required to cover the costs he incurred from being locked out, and she could be slapped with a fine–which sometimes accrues for every day the person was locked out or multiplies for other reasons. So it’s not an action to be taken lightly.

          2. chickabiddy*

            If she fears for her physical safety, she should get a restraining order. Depending on the state and the circumstances, she may also be able to get use/possession of the house, which may include the ability to change locks.

            Of course, as much as it sucks, in the real world sometimes we women *can’t* get the legal protections we need. If she is genuinely scared and can’t get appropriate protective orders, I would not morally/ethically fault her for changing the locks. But legally, it will look at least as bad as draining the joint account, so it should be an absolute last resort and only in self-defense (as opposed to completely justified anger and spite).

            Nicole, I apologize for writing about you in the third person.

          3. Temperance*

            I was absolutely not suggesting that she put herself in danger, but chiming in before she did something that put her in an adverse position in the divorce case. Changing the locks is an illegal eviction, and a great way to get a judge to give the opposing party your house.

            1. fposte*

              And as I said, I really do understand the temptation–it seems like it would be only fair, and it’s the sort of thing a friend would tell you to do. But it can bite you in the ass big time, even if he did something really bad first, and people don’t always realize that.

    10. Kate*

      Yikes. So sorry you’re going through this. I agree with contacting an attorney to discuss your options.

    11. Jessesgirl72*

      I’m so sorry. And yeah- he can’t do that. He is going to find out that the judge is going to penalize him for that jerk move. Call a lawyer and start the paperwork for a legal separation. That will protect you financially from anything he tries to do, and you can always call it off if you reconcile

    12. Victoria, Please*

      Oh my goodness! Nicole, how shocking and awful. Please keep us updated, we are concerned (I’m sure I can speak for many AAMers here).

    15. Sami*

      Oh dear. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It definitely sucks.
      My two cents would be to remove anything that is definitely yours that valuable from the home to a trusted relative or friend. Something like your grandmother’s wedding ring.
      Then contact a counselor/therapist for yourself. Possibly a marital counselor if you think that would be a path you want to pursue.
      And then a lawyer.
      Good luck! The AAM community has your back!

  54. Gene*

    I just finished setting up my first aquarium since I moved into this house 27 years ago. When we moved in, the only wall that would be good for an aquarium has no power available. Getting power to it would involve an extension cord across a door or tearing up the wall. So I’ve been without aquatic buddies.

    I recently discovered Opae ula, Hawaiian red shrimp. They are the ones you see in Ecosheres – don’t buy one of those; the shrimp in them are slowly poisoned to death. Their normal lifespan is up to 20 years and they typically for in those spheres in about 2. They are a brackish species, thrive in very small tanks – the one I got is 3 gallons, no heater or filter required, feed them once every couple of months.

    I set up the tank and it will cycle over the next month or so (normal for saltwater tanks) before I get the shrimp. As soon as it clears up I’ll post a photo. Looking forward to the little guys.

    3. hermit crab*

      Huh, that’s cool! I’ve never heard of these little dudes but they seem perfect for a low-maintenance/entry-level aquarium. I’m excited to see your pictures!

    5. Gene*

      Photo of the tank. It’s Tetra Crescent 3 gallon; not the one I wanted for the restricted space, but it will work. The rocks are pieces of some I gathered decades ago from near Craters of the Moon National Monument in Idaho. I oven sterilized them before using them here.
      https://www.instagram.com/p/BPAtfb5gPPw/
      This is my first foray into salt water; assuming it works, I’ll set one up for my desk at work.

  55. Legalchef*

    Fashion question – I got a really cute navy dress, but they only make black maternity tights (at least that I’ve seen). Can I wear them with navy? If so, what color shoes?

    1. Stylish Entrepreneur*

      Black & navy isn’t so much a faux paux anymore. I think you’d be fine! I’d probably go with camel colored ankle boots, just to keep everything in the neutral family.

      1. SophieChotek*

        I wish someone would tell my mother that. She practically has a fit if she sees me where black and blue together.

        1. Stylish Entrepreneur*

          There’s an episode of Project Runway Jr., and one of the designers did it, it was season one, near the end! You could probably find something on Pinterest, too!

      2. Mreasy*

        I consider black tights to be a neutral. Also I think a bright-colored ankle boot or flat would be VERY cute w this ensemble!

    2. J. F.*

      Navy or black shoes or whatever! I think it would look fine either way. Bu the way, if you’re up for mail order, Asos sells many kinds of colored maternity tights. Also, Old Navy has some very comfy maternity leggings that I preferred to tights.

      1. Legalchef*

        I’m not opposed to mail order at all (especially since you can’t really get maternity clothes in loft, old navy, etc and have to order online), but I didn’t see any there that were colored. Just gray, black, and navy (though I might order some from there anyway, bc they are pretty well priced!)

    3. JHS*

      Yes!!! Black and navy go perfectly together. I love Navy with opaque black tights and black patent leather shoes.

    4. Jessesgirl72*

      I wouldn’t judge you (you’re pregnant!) but I don’t like the look of black with navy.

      Old Navy has navy maternity tights as does Target, if you really want them.

    5. C Average*

      I’ve always loved the advice of my junior high English teacher (regarding grammar, but applicable to so much else in life): “You can break any rule you want to, as long as you know the rule and have a good reason for breaking it.”

      (As others have noted, this may not even BE a rule anymore.)

      1. Legalchef*

        I hate the ones I’ve gotten at motherhood! I need ones that have a specific built out space for the bump. The ones I’ve gotten there were like regular tights that just went higher, which felt too constricting to me, even in a bigger size.

        1. Maya Elena*

          Sorry to hear that… mine have the elastic bump thingy (although perhaps you are farther along and insufficient).
          For what it’s worth, my mom got me some nice pregnancy-specific tights (not navy though) at Old Navy. (Who knew they made maternity wear?)

    7. DeadQuoteOlympics*

      I wear navy with black tights to work all the time. This comes up over at Corporette frequently and the consensus is that it’s fine with a caveat: it really depends on how dark the navy is — if it’s a really dark navy, black tights look like you got dressed in the dark. There has to be enough contrast between the navy and the black.

      1. fposte*

        How did I miss this thread? I absolutely agree with you–what you’re trying to avoid is the “mixing blacks” look, but otherwise navy and black are fine. I like to throw in some grey and/or purple to break out of the two-color narrowness; I also like the idea of having brighter-colored footwear, but it’s not obligatory.

    8. Temperance*

      Gray! Navy and gray look awesome together, and, IIRC, I’ve seen maternity tights in gray at Target.

      Navy looks amazing with red shoes. AMAZING.

  56. Paula, with Two Kids*

    Just wanted to share my divorce will be final on Wednesday. It’s been 19 months since I filed, and quite a terrible roller coaster. I feel so light and free!

  58. SophieChotek*

    What do you collect?
    Books? Figurines? Antique kitchen utensils? Matchbox cars? Nutcrackers? Steins? Vintage signs?
    How many do you have? What is your favourite? Where do you get them? What got your started?

    1. fposte*

      I’ve dialed it back a lot, but I am a sucker for pottery and ceramics. When I went through a stressful period about fifteen years ago, I bought some really nice Scandinavian pieces on eBay and I just love them.

      1. SophieChotek*

        That’s interesting. I don’t collect ceramics or pottery myself but there are so many different brands and looks! Nymphenburg, Franz Collection Porcelain, Meissen, Lladró, Baccarat, Royal Crown Darby, Wedgwood, Noritake, Royal Copenhagen….eBay is such a great place to find interesting things

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I fell down that rabbit hole years back. I got into depression glassware. These were cheap sets of dinnerware made during the Great Depression. A service for for four people would be $1.27. That is a lot of money if you have NO money.

          Currently the market is down for much of the glassware that is out there. Now is a good time to buy if anyone is interested in this stuff. I ended up being interested in about 4-5 different patterns. After a bit I realized I was starting to sink some money into this stuff and I stopped.
          But I also have some Noritake, Wedgewood and a few other pieces. I debate about keeping them or dumping them. Now is really not a seller’s market.

          1. fposte*

            I was reasonably clever with the pottery as I stuck to vases and pitchers, so I get a fair amount of use out of them as a gardener. However, there’s definitely “extra”!

            I also realized last year that there’s a lot of creative repurposing possible to allow me to use stuff that otherwise languishes. I keep a tennis ball in the bedroom and living room for self-massage, and now they live in cool teacups. I’m exploring the possibility of bagging up gravel or something to provide internal weight for pitchers to become bookends. Saucers hold jewelry. Etc.

            1. fposte*

              Oh, and I just realized all my pen and pencil cups are vases. (Joys of being an editor–there are about five placed around the house.)

            2. Not So NewReader*

              Pitchers as bookends… you know they have those glass pebbles in dollar stores that are really cool.
              Do watch the weight inside the pitcher though. I have a story involving a pitcher that burst on me when I was a kid. It just could not hold the weight of the water/Kool-aid/whatever that was in it. I did not know pitchers could burst suddenly like that. Fortunately my hand was around the handle and not the pitcher.

              I have some nice bowls in my guestroom that I leave as catch-alls. I tell guests that the bowls are a place for them to set small stuff they want to keep track of such as jewelry, watches, scripts, etc. It’s easy to lose track of this small stuff when you are staying in someone else’s home.

              1. fposte*

                Wow, I had no idea about pitchers bursting. I wonder if that would mean there was some kind of structural weakness? Not that I’d know in advance if one was there, so the end result is the same.

                I like the glass pebbles idea, though, especially at the dollar store price. And your guest room idea is really cool.

                1. Not So NewReader*

                  Glass does fatigue over time. I think its more age and use fatigue than an actual flaw in the product. I have had Corning Ware (glass CW, not the white CW) go off in fragments. I just had a piece shatter on me a couple months ago. It went like a scatter glass bomb. When I waitressed old Pyrex coffee pots would just burst one day.

                  Currently, I have a mismatched old time pitcher and wash basin. Years ago I picked up the pitcher, I think I tapped the side of it and a little odd shaped piece popped right out. I taped it back on and now that side faces the wall. One more break and out it goes. The basin will become another guest room catch-all. ha!
                  Stuff gets tired and of course it’s impossible to remember how many times it did get bumped or smacked and did not break. I got some good Anchor Hocking (I think) glasses. They are strong. I can drop them twice and they don’t break (wood floor). That third drop and they are done.

                  Peach. I am expert at breaking glass/ceramic ware. sigh.

                2. Elizabeth West*

                  Not So NewReader – me too. I had a beautiful old teacup. Operative word: had. I have a Flow Blue plate and a teacup and saucer. The teacup no longer has a handle. I had a Chinese plate and two matching bowls, a big and a small one, that I bought separately (lucky find). Now I only have the bowls.

                  It would help if I had something in which to keep them. There is something in my family but it is not mine at present.

    2. Loki*

      I collect random old things. I’ve got a really old syringe with glass vials of medication, a sterling silver KKK hooded figure pin, old cameras, arrowheads, old light bulbs, and I so collect rocks/minerals/gem stones.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I had an antique tooth pulling device. The thing was so sadistic looking I finally just sold it, it gave me the creeps after a bit.

    3. Jessesgirl72*

      I don’t think I collect books- they kind of just accumulated and took over…

      The only thing I collect anymore is vintage cobalt pieces- a couple vases, bottles, candlesticks, etc. I got started in my late teens by watching one of those old collector shows.

    4. Chaordic One*

      I have a collection of vintage Barbie dolls and I also collect Hallmark ornaments. I have about a hundred dolls, 4 cars for them, a dream house and whole bunch of clothes. I think I just never grew up. Some are from when I was a girl, some I found in thrift stores, a few I bought on eBay and, when I lived in California, I used to visit the Mattel outlet stores. I haven’t been there in 10 years, but I’d love to go back for a vacation sometime.

    6. nep*

      Used to collect matchbooks/-boxes. I’ve still got a couple huge jars full (from 20-plus years ago), most with a note inside — who I was with and the date. This has me thinking it’s time to do another purge in the closet — crazy that these are still around.

    7. The Other Dawn*

      One would say I collect cats. I have 11. Most are rescues although one, a Persian, I bought at the pet store. We have a lot of animals when I was growing up, so it seemed natural to continue on. :)

      But seriously, I’d say cookbooks. I dont have anything antique or sought-after. Just ones I happened to like in the store, or needed for a particular reason. I only have about 20, so not a big collection. I love looking at them and reading them. I don’t cook from them really, but I’m changing that this year by cooking one recipe a week from my books. That starts this week.

      1. bluesboy*

        I collect cookery books too, but as well as the general section I buy a new one every time I go on holiday for the regional dishes – so every time I cook something from the book it brings back the holiday (and I don’t have 100s of useless souvenirs taking up space). I think my favourites are either the key lime cookbook from Florida or the Bulgarian cookbook.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I had a ton of these but I purged them from three groaning shelves down to one. I kept the weirdest ones and anything sentimental. Most of them were stuff like Betty Crocker Entertaining and Dinner for Two, and those Better Homes and Gardens ones.

        I do have a Gold Medal Flour cookbook from 1910. It took me several readings to figure out what forcemeat was.

    8. Emilia Bedelia*

      I collect coffee mugs. I started buying them as souvenirs because they’re functional and I use them daily. I’ve also started rotating my work mug every week or so so that I can enjoy them all. My collection has about 2 dozen- I’m picky about buying them myself because they’re so common, I only like to get really special ones (I also get a lot as gifts- people buy them when they go places, or for generic presents). My favorites are my mug that says “Smart Women Thirst for Knowledge” and one with owls that my mom gave me- that one is now a pencil cup because it’s cracked, but I still love it.

      1. SophieChotek*

        I used to collect coffee mugs. I have a mug for every show I’ve gone to see — on Broadway or when the “big” musicals toured. I used to collect Starbucks Mugs (The “City”) mugs when I went to a new city, but they changed the design, so they don’t to together as well — and I was majorly running of room. Mugs are great to remember specific trips, etc.

    9. NotVerySinisterLefty*

      I collect fountain pens, because I love looking at calligraphy and beautiful writing. I’ve had maybe 20 over time, but I’ve gotten rid of some as my tastes have changed. My sentimental favorites are one that my daughter made for me and one that my husband commissioned for me, but my technical favorite is a Japanese pocket pen from approx 1974 that was never sold in the US. I try to buy from Goulet Pens, as they are very engaged on social media and contribute to the community in many ways. I’m becoming more interested in individual fountain pen creators, though (e. g. Shawn Newton, Tim Cullen), as my knowledge and tastes change. Naturally, my own handwriting is generally awful (“distinctive,” as I prefer to say…)

        1. Being Here Now*

          It’s hard to be a lefty using most ink pens because as I write, my hand drags across what I’ve just written and smears it.

          1. Mary Brodd*

            There are certain categories of ink that are faster-drying than others, some of which I’ve seen marketed to left-handers: Search for Noodler’s “Berning Red: a red for lefties that dries fast,” for example.

        2. NotVerySinisterLefty*

          It is a challenge – I really researched flex nibs, for example, before concluding that I simply would not be able to use them. I had a bunch of calligraphy tools and books as well, and have been slowly giving them away. I write slowly, to give the ink time to dry, and that helps my handwriting as much as anything, I guess. Thanks for the link to that previous post, I will check that out!

      2. SophieChotek*

        That’s so interesting. (I used to think I would collect fountain pens and have one of those beautiful boxes but my tastes changed. I keep cheaper fountain pens that require cartridges/dip in ink) in it — but I no longer aspire to own some 24K gold Mont Blanc…

        I’m impressed your daughter made one for you! Wow!

    10. Mrs. Fenris*

      I’m not quite a collector per se, but 20 years ago on vacation in Key West, I bought a Christmas ornament of Santa Claus in swim trunks riding a Jet Ski. We got such a kick out of that, that we started buying Christmas ornaments in places we traveled. We have a sea turtle with presents on his back, a sled with a black bear, a tin bird (from a local metalsmithing show in Las Vegas), Santa in a rowboat with a seagull, and so forth.

    11. GirlwithaPearl*

      I love this question!

      I collect vintage or special copies of the Great Gatsby. It’s my favorite and has been for 20 years. One day 10 or so years ago I was in a second hand bookstore in Princeton (fitting, for Fitzgerald) and found 3 old used paperback copies that each had a different cover art. I’ve only expanded the collection to 7 since then- I don’t go out of my way to find them- but I like looking for them when I find myself in a used bookshop.

      I display them on bookstands along with some other 20s themed things.

      1. Al Lo*

        I collect translations of Harry Potter, but only in languages of countries that I’ve visited. A copy of Philosopher’s Stone is my go-to souvenir, and I have it in about 10 languages so far. It’s easy to pack, readily available, and inexpensive.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I have one from Britain! I got it at Word on the Water. :) Sadly, it’s not one of the copies that’s worth any money! But that’s okay. It’s fun to read it in British English.

          1. Al Lo*

            I wish mine were worth money, but sadly, no… Still, it’s fun to see the different covers, and I enjoy flipping through to see how they translated names and stuff.

    12. JJtheDoc*

      Cookbooks, although that’s slowed down since my celiac diagnosis; California Arts & Crafts books, especially Bungalow and Mission styles; lap rugs (I’m always cold!); wooden.(monkeypod; bamboo; olive; woven woods, etc.) serving pieces – bowls, plates, platters, spoons, ladles, whatever. And earrings – love love love earrings!

      1. SophieChotek*

        The serving pieces is interesting especially to me — and there are some beautiful pieces out there.
        My mm treasures some wooden (more cooking) spatulas made by an artisan out in North Carolina near High Point…Elk Hand Werke (Todd, North Carolina)

    13. Elizabeth West*

      What do you collect?
      OOH I LOVE THIS QUESTION! *flexes fingers; starts typing* I should just do a blog post of this, haha. But you asked for it!

      –Books, tons of them, anything that I want to read and will read again or want for research, etc. I have too many for this house, probably but not too many for life. :)

      –Also Victorian cabinet cards (those thick paper photographs that slide into plush-covered albums).

      How many do you have?
      Oh Lord, I have no idea.
      Books: Seven bookshelves and the books are stacking up in front of each other. There are books all over the house, in the coffee table, in the end table, and some in the garage. I have culled quite a few books. I need to drag those to the library for their book sale; the thrift store pickup won’t take them.

      Cards: I have six albums: three full, two with a few in, and one big empty one. There are larger cards and smaller ones, sort of wallet-sized.

      What is your favourite?
      Books: Gah, don’t ask me! I’ve done blog posts on that. Too long to list here. A fire would devastate me; I need to catalog them.

      Cards: I choose them by whether I like the look of the people or anything with an unusual prop or background. My favorite is a wedding photo. The couple are both standing. The bride is holding a bouquet and looks very serious, and the groom has the goofiest half-smile on his face. I laughed so hard when I saw it that I had to have it.

      Most expensive cards: a midget card (it’s Willie Ray with his wife, and it’s a Frank Wendt card–it’s this one http://66.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kyggm6XgIW1qzdzano1_r1_1280.jpg) and a memento mori (memorial card of a dead loved one), which isn’t that great because the picture is very faint and it’s larger than a typical cabinet card. I kind of regret that purchase because it’s not in very good shape, but most good memento mori cards are hella expensive.

      Having your picture taken back then was also expensive, and when someone died, the family would get a photographer out to get a picture of them. They would prop them up and sometimes pose with them. You can tell which is the dead person in family portraits. Victorian cameras required very long exposures, and the tiniest movements that are natural to people even when sitting still will blur the image ever so slightly.

      The dead ones are obvious because the image is much clearer than that of their family members. They did this for children too; the one I have is a child. I know it sounds morbid, but it’s no more so than the custom of taking casket pics at funerals, and it was often the only photo of the person ever taken.

      The Victorians lived cheek-by-jowl with death. They laid their dead out in their parlors (thought to be the origin of the term “funeral parlor”), and they also made jewelry and pictures from locks of their hair. It was just natural and it happened often because medicine was so lacking at the time.

      I also really like it when people wrote the person’s name on the back of the card. Like “Aunt Millie and Uncle Cort” or whatever. You don’t see that too often.

      Where do you get them?
      Books: Online (especially for stuff that’s out of print), in secondhand bookshops, and at Barnes & Noble. I love the internet; I found a book I had read in high school and all I could remember about it was the name of the main character and that it was about ice skating. No author, no title, nothing. Thank you Dr. Google!

      Cards: Mostly flea markets or antique malls. When I went to Portobello Road in London, I found a stall near the end that was all cabinet cards, postcards, and stereoscope cards (I have one of those too!) and I spent over an hour looking through every single box they had. I got some really nice ones. :)

      What got your started?
      Books: Parents who read and had books; reading at a twelfth-grade level by second grade. I was insatiable–I would read nearly anything, including the back of the cereal box, the Reader’s Digest and National Geographic magazines, and my dad’s Wall Street Journal (not the financial stuff, just the other stuff). I read at the table and at night, under the covers with a flashlight.

      Cards: Flea markets, mostly. I got really interested in Victoriana when looking up stuff for dolls houses and started finding them at markets when looking for miniatures. I hate when people buy them for me because I’m very exacting:

      –They can’t be heavily foxed (i.e. brown spots).
      –NO postcards; that’s not the same thing.
      –I will not buy it from any seller who stupidly puts the price sticker on the actual photo. When they do that, I can’t remove it without taking a chunk of the paper with it. Just write it on the back in pencil, discreetly.
      –Also, don’t charge me an arm and a leg for a foxed card with half the picture rubbed off. Most cards I pay between $2-$6 for. The wedding card was $8. Willie Ray was $22, and the memento mori was about $30.
      –I HATE WHEN PEOPLE PUT THEM IN FRAMES. I don’t want the frame; I want the card so I can put it in the album! They also charge more for that and it’s annoying. Unless it’s a very nice frame. I do have one small card, a picture of an English nursemaid wearing a uniform of some sort, and the frame is silver-plated.
      Dream items:
      Books: Once, in a used bookshop, I saw an original copy of Morgan Robertson’s Futility, or the Wreck of the Titan. That’s the book that eerily and unwittingly predicted the sinking of Titanic. It was $50 and I did not have $50 and it is gone and I cannot find it again for that price. :(

      Cards: A Frank Wendt or Charles Eisenmann (Wendt’s mentor) sideshow card. Yes, the Willie Ray one is good, but I want one of a famous sideshow performer. Someone like Jo-Jo the Dog-Faced Boy or the Tocci brothers (conjoined twins). They made good livings from the sideshow and selling pictures.

      I also really like tintypes (pictures printed on sheets of tin, but they’re hard to find in good condition), and daguerreotypes (they come in little cases and are printed on silver) but the latter are costly. Grr.

      Sorry this turned into a novel! But I love talking about my cards and nobody ever asks.

      2. SophieChotek*

        Elizabeth West — love your response. I have a few postcards from the “freak” shows of the early 1900s/late 1800s but I don’t think I have any of the people you mentioned. (You might enjoy the book…darn…it’s one of the books I got rid of when I purged…- found it Professional Savages: Captive Lives and Western Spectacle byRoslyn Poignant

        I totally get you love talking about your cards. I collect antique postcards and I rarely get to talk about those—or find anyone who wants to look at them with me. I do have some CDVs and Cabinet Cards too — I buy them if they are a) not too expensive and b)– like you–I just am interested in the fashion or the pose or I find myself making up a story about the people in the photo.

        I’ll keep my eye out for midget cards — recently I saw a whole stash of the German “lilliputians” postcards for sale –(I don’t think this is the same German-Jewish family that would later write about their experiences during WW2), but I didn’t look that closely; I knew it wasn’t what I was collecting so I kept moving)

        I hear you about stickers — drives me wild when they put prices on the item itself. Put in a bag or something. I just went through some of my old newspaper prints last night (it’s what made me think of this question) and I realized some of the dealers had glued some of the “frame-able” prints to black paper — if I want to frame/mount these works, I’ll take care of that later.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Gah! I hate when they wreck them like that! Makes me furious!

          I ONLY do cabinet cards, not postcards. It’s too bad you weren’t at that stall in Portobello Road with me–they had a TON of postcards. There was an American man doing the exact same thing as me (going through all the boxes) except he was after those–his wife kept coming up like, “Are you done yet?” LOL. We kept going, “Ooh, here’s one,” and handing them to each other. They were both nice.

          1. SophieChotek*

            Yep I would have enjoyed it. I go to postcard and ephemera shows when they are in my area. And I always look for the boxes of postards, etc. when I wander in and out of antique shops.

    14. NaoNao*

      Late to the game here but:
      I collect 60’s and 70’s era crewel work with either a mushroom theme or a “garden/flower/woodlands” theme. I have two outliers: a beautiful fan with butterflies (the fan is floral) and a little jar with preserves in it.
      I also collect a brand of “cult” fragrances called Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab. They’re made in L.A. in the US, and are all natural vegan perfume oils. They are inspired by art, science, history, pop culture, books, movies, nature, and so much more. They have names like “Velvet Cthulu” and “Black Butterfly Moon” and “Lovers in the Tea House” and “Kumari Kandam.” They’ve done series on Fraggle Rock, Crimson Peak (movie), Sherlock books, Seasons, Astrology, Moons of Jupiter, gods and goddesses, the Nutcracker, Fairy Tales,–they even did a scent for the recent election called ‘Nasty Woman’! (proceeds went to Emily’s List and Planned Parenthood). I stumbled on a reference to them in a blog comment section and looked it up and fell in love. I have about 100 or so. There’s a *very* vibrant and active community of fans/users/collectors and there’s a scent for everyone. They’re the “un-perfume” and if you love perfume, check them out.

  59. Mazzy*

    This is pretty random but whatever I can’t find things on google. Does anyone know of any authentic early 90s style rave that still happens in any of the major US cities, LA, DC, Seattle, NY, Boston, Miami? I know it will be a “retro” thing by now, but I was wondering if any clubs did the music still. It’s kind of a niche generation that was huge then sort of disappeared from the public conscious in my opinion. Thanks!

    1. Franzia Spritzer*

      The Gathering in San Francisco, and Freaknight in Seattle are two that I know of off the top of my head for big events, but clubs still have nights, depends on the city of course, dance and noise ordinances change occasionally… and gentrification. The kids are calling it EDM these days, us olds still go out dancing pretty regularly tho. Hilariously(?) hyperral.org is still live, maybe poking at the lists will spark some google foo for you. http://hyperreal.org/raves/

    2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I think this style of music may be coming back into fashion in the next year or two (even though us fans knew it never really went away :)) Get out that whistle and neon! And you aren’t alone – I think there is a genuine desire for a night like this somewhere. I was at a party speaking with a BBC Radio 1 producer in his early 50s who created his own personal night renting a house boat in Amsterdam for a long weekend and partying with friends who came along (with some enhancements of course) playing the music they loved as loud as they wanted. Another friend in a similar ago group to me does his own thing at home, and Megadog just did a 25th anniversary special night last year in Manchester. But I agree, I would kill to know of a good night somewhere relatively legal and safe where this music wasn’t played as a cheesy throwback for the kids to laugh at, but a fun night out for everyone.

      There is no way, however, I would go to some EDM club now with the current “EDM” music scene as I don’t consider it the same in anyway to what was produced back then. Seattle has a pretty good electronic music scene, however, you may want to see who is playing and when. Check Resident Advisor for some of the older DJs from that time who are still out and about and when and where they are playing. Even if they aren’t playing in your city, see who the lineup includes on any major bill they are playing and if those people are coming near you.

  61. Al Lo*

    I’m sure this was discussed in one of the holiday open threads, but is anyone picking up something new for the new year? Not a resolution, per se, but just something different?

    My husband and I were just talking about how much more of an effort needs to be made to learn new things as an adult — until our early 20s, new information and experiences are always being thrown at us, but there comes a point when that stops being the case, you start improving in a specific arena (ideally) as your career progresses, and you need to seek out new opportunities to learn.

    Well, this year, I needed something new and recreational (I’m on a year hiatus from the choirs I usually sing in, which is my primary recreational activity), so I’m signing up for an aerial arts class through the local circus school. I have absolutely zero experience, but I’m really excited to try it out. It’s a 5-month class, once a week, and I think it’ll be really fun!

    What new things are you trying?

    1. C Average*

      Aerial arts class! Dang. That sounds intense. (I might be a little jealous.)

      My stepdaughter and I are training for one of those mud-and-obstacle races together.

      I’ve also made a sort of resolution to try to limit my media consumption, as much as possible, to books and TV and movies and such by and/or about people of color. I actually started this resolution back in November. It’s forcing me out of my boring white niche, which is both good for me and really enjoyable so far.

      1. Al Lo*

        Silks and trapeze! The classes are small — limited to 5 people — and it works with the level of the participants (and the class I’m in doesn’t have the “only 2 spots left!” warning yet, so it may even be smaller than that, which would be cool with me).

        2. Elizabeth West*

          Ooh, COOL! The person who runs a very unusual venue here (it’s a castle, sort of) is an aerialist and I think she teaches classes too. They had dance classes there also but I didn’t have the money.

          1. Al Lo*

            That sounds cool! This is run out of the gym of an old church that’s also sort of a community centre/theatre venue/etc. They have a pretty full roster of classes for kids, teens, and adults.

    2. TheLazyB*

      I’ve written a list of 12 things to try this year, one for each month. Can’t remember them all but they include trying a choir, origami, kickabouts in the park, doing jigsaws, geocaching… I don’t necessarily think I’ll keep them all up but I want to try some new stuff.

      Also my DH got me a keyboard for Christmas; I’ve not played piano for 20+ years. I’m very excited!

    3. Damn it Hardison!*

      I am going to try to do more of my home repairs/projects myself. I’m going to redo our half bath, including replacing the sink, faucet and toilet. I’m even going to replace the light fixture; electric work makes me nervous so it a new skill for me. I’m also considering decoupage going the front of a dresser, just for the fun of it. I’m not crafty so it’s out of my comfort zone!

    4. Marillenbaum*

      That’s so neat! I’m back in graduate school right now, so I feel less pressure to change up my hobby learning, but I’d like to learn to knit socks this year–it’s such a great use for small amounts of yarn and would make me very happy.

    5. Lily Evans*

      I did a semester long aerial silks class and it was fantastic! It really worked out muscles that I never use and was just a fun challenge. I’m hoping to continue this year, I’ve been on the fence since it’s a splurge, but I really want to be able to keep improving with it!

      1. Al Lo*

        It’s definitely a bit of a splurge, but I’m not paying fees or dues on anything else this semester, so it’s my one thing for the winter/spring.

  62. Anon Here*

    Whining. I need help.

    My five year old whines about everything. We almost never give in (when it’s a whine like “I want those socks, not theeeeese” and we’re already 10 minutes behind, I might) but it doesn’t seem to matter.

    I’ve read that whining is about attention. He does still really dislike having a little sibling and asks a couple times a week if Kid #2 can go live with someone else (Kid #2 is two). He gets one solo evening and morning with Dad a week and two solo outings with me a month. On weekends, we do games and crafts during Kid #2’s nap. We do schoolwork review every evening. If we give him more attention, Kid #2 will be one of those resentful adults writing into Dear Abby about their favored brother. They’re constantly competing for my attention (I’m current favored parent.)

    I’ve seen the advice to empathize with them before they have the chance to whine. Occasionally that works but whining often comes out of nowhere. For example, if I finish buckling Kid #2 in his car seat before he buckles his seatbelt, he starts crying because he “lost”. Every. Damn. Time. Or I might say “Get your shoes on, bud” and he immediately bursts into tears to say “I want to wear my booooots!”

    I work full time and I just hate that every morning is miserable and so are several evenings a week. My patience is getting thinner everyday.

    Any advice?

    1. Jessesgirl72*

      Don’t give in to the whining. Ever. Not even if you’re 30 minutes behind. That just gives him a “win” (and since he’s competing about seat belts, I say this with more confidence than usual!) Every time you give in, it resets the work you have done all those other times you didn’t give in.

      And second part of it is don’t hear anything he says in a whine. Tell him that you’re not going to respond to whines anymore, and when he starts, give him a reminder (ONE! per incident)- but after that, pretend he’s not talking until he changes his tone of voice and speaks to you reasonably. He’s 5 now, he has the brain development to do this, where a 3 yr old might not be ready to. It’s not easy, but if you stay consistent, it will work. (Long time child care provider here! I had to learn ways to cope.)

      I follow a Mommy blogger who had a whiner at that age, and she said a friend told her that it was really and truly a stage, possibly tied to a growth spurt, and to feed him every time he whined. He’s in the middle of 6 kids, and all her usual methods were failing, so she tried it. She said if he started whining at her, she’d shove a cheese stick at him. It worked. He started again at about age 9, and she went back to that method, and it worked again. I know for a fact that if I started to whine, my mother would tell me I must be tired, and I’d be sent to my room to go to bed early or for a nap. Which, I think, also sometimes speaks to the underlying issue, and not just the behavior. Stuff like this comes up when kids have low blood sugar or aren’t getting enough sleep or their routine is disrupted. So do everything you can possibly do to head off those kinds of meltdowns and whining binges- more snacks and maybe more sleep if he’s growing, let him know the routine and try to stick to it, as much as possible, give him options of the red socks or the blue socks, boots or shoes, the Picachu shirt of the Paw Patrol one, so he has as much control over his own little world as he can reasonably manage. If he then doesn’t like his choices- oh well, he can make a different choice tomorrow.

      And lose any guilt you have over not giving him enough attention or cursing him with a sibling.

      1. Clever Name*

        This advice is way better than mine. :) my son really isn’t a whiner, and I don’t think it really has anything to do with my parenting.

      2. Melody Pond*

        Oh, I like this perspective. For me, this connects to the idea that the “un-met need” at hand during the tantrums is not just an emotional need, but it could be coinciding with an un-met physiological need – i.e., the need for rest/sleep, nutrition, etc.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Oh. I could write a book here.

          OP, former whinny kid here. Yes, I admit to it. I was born with heart/vascular issues that went unchecked. Then I went into major allergy issues. Unfortunately for me my parents did not believe there was such a thing as allergies and I just needed to be more positive.

          I have very strong memories of my parents saying “no whining”. If I made a second statement that was whiny there was fall out, such as we would leave the fun activity. Or I would have to do that mandatory thing but I lost dessert privileges later on in the day. I’ll be honest, I did not like ME. I was very uncomfortable inside my body and had no clue why.

          If you think of the whining as fatigue, you might see a different picture. What’s causing the fatigue? What is wearing him down on the inside?

          This merits looking at because it sounds like as a parent you have checked all the other logical things. It might be time to dig deeper.

          When I was in my 30s I got into diet and nutrition. I started watching what I was doing. I got rid of chemicals in my life. Yes, most people could tolerate these chemicals but I couldn’t because I was already overloaded with allergy. I had no resistance. What happened next was AMAZING. I started liking me better. I stopped dragging myself through the day. (No more dragging my feet like I talked about in an earlier post.) I grew some coping skills, I was more patient. My mind started working better, I was clearer thinking. It was a huge deal for me.

          In the end, I realized that a huge part of our personality is tied to how well we feel on the inside. A being with discomforts inside it’s body is going to be different from a being who feels good. This goes for many beings, dogs. cats, people, etc.

          In fairness to my parents, they grew up in a different era. They were 40 years older than me, that is not one generation, that is two generations. There were a lot of changes during their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s that they somehow missed.

          1. Marcela*

            Please, you can’t get rid of chemicals. Everything is a chemical. This is so important and the media/press so irresponsibly has created the idea that chemicals mean “man made” or “toxic”, while in reality everything in the world is made from a small list of chemical elements, making everything a chemical.

            1. Melody Pond*

              Hehe, yeah, this is always a pet peeve of mine as well. Everything in the world is made of the periodic table of elements – which are chemicals. Therefore, EVERYTHING is made of chemicals. What you mean is toxic chemicals or substances.

            2. Not So NewReader*

              I think people understood that I meant known toxic chemicals. People also say Windex and Kleenex when they mean the generic glass cleaner or facial tissue. I think that people tend to understand the overall message even if the word choice is not totally accurate. It’s almost a necessity for having conversations.

              1. Marcela*

                It can be, but being precise is important. If you are not precise in the small things, later cosmetic companies can claim they are able to repair ADN or you have all kinds of people saying they can cure cancer drinking fruit juice, and then you have a couple of my uncles diagnosed with cancer when it could be treated with chemo and radiotherapy, but of course, they being CHEMICALS, OH MY GOD SO BAD, so they surely died of something that perhaps was going to kill them.

                You can have conversations saying toxic substances instead of chemicals. It’s not like that each word is klingon so nobody would understand.

        2. Jessesgirl72*

          And sometimes the physiological reasons create habits, which is why you have to do both address the possible physical need AND guide him in more appropriate ways of talking. Kids do what gets them a response, until it stops getting them a response. (And no, this is not a fast process!!!) And the response back has to be calm and matter of fact, which is so, so hard! Especially for a parent- It’s way easier for me, who doesn’t have emotions tied up in it of being a bad parent, or being judged for the kid’s behavior! (I once took my friend’s 5 year old in my shopping cart and told him to go ahead and scream, but I wasn’t going to give in to his tantrum. SHE was mortified and trying to appease him and only was ramping things up. I told him to scream, and that he wasn’t embarrassing me- only himself. He screamed once then looked around and stopped. Because I honestly didn’t CARE- and he saw people looking at him, just like I said. He never acted up in public when I was there again. – at least not to extremes, he was still a kid, and I have reasonable expectations. )

          And unfortunately, kids can’t *tell* you, in most cases, that they are hungry or tired. They probably don’t even realize it. I am one to really get hangry, and when it starts, I don’t usually know I’m hungry, and I’m an adult!

          1. Elizabeth West*

            This worked on an ex’s little girl too. When we all three went to say, Walmart, the whining would begin–“I waaaant thaaaaaat,” and sometimes she would get it because 1) divorced father guilt, and 2) he just wanted her to stop.

            When I took her someplace, she would go, “I sure would like thaaaaat,” and I would say, “Yes, that would be nice, wouldn’t it?” and keep right on going. After a while, she quit asking! But then I made sure to treat her every once in a while, if she was being especially good. :)

            As for the other kind of whining, my mum just refused to listen to us unless we asked / said it in a normal tone of voice. And we whined so much at the grocery store that after a while, we were forbidden to go shopping with her. We stayed home with the babysitter and Mum would pick out our snack. Always Nutter Butters and green grapes. I can eat grapes again, but I still can’t look a Nutter Butter in the eye. >_<

          2. dawbs*

            so true.
            I will confess that over spring break, when my child was a kindergartner, I went into her room, put a plate of crackers w/ Peanut Butter on her desk, and told her she was not allowed out until she ate 3.

            Because she was hangry to the point of ridiculous–but that also meant she was obstinate. And trying to explain to a 5 year old that she’s hungry, that’s why she’s angrily denying she’s hungry…yeah, that doesn’t work with me and I’m almost 40.

            The needs are hard to see for grown ups, harder for little people–who have bigger needs.

      3. tigerStripes*

        “so he has as much control over his own little world as he can reasonably manage.” Good idea. It can be tough for kids to not feel like they have any control, but of course at certain ages, they can’t handle having too much control :)

    2. Clever Name*

      It is physically impossible for me to understand what my son says when he says it as a whine. I am also unable to understand what he is saying when he talks with his mouth full. He must repeat himself in a normal tone of voice if he wants me to understand him. It’s a curse. ;)

    3. Melody Pond*

      I’m not a parent, so big disclaimer there. But I will say that, as a kid, it seemed like my parents were always trying to shut me up/shut me down completely, rather than teach me an appropriate way to express the feelings I was having. In other words, looking back, I wish they would have focused on a message of, “Your feelings are always okay, but I need you to learn to express them appropriately” – i.e., nonviolently and in a compassionate manner.

      And I wish that they had also been more open with me when I was really young, about their own feelings and needs in a compassionate, non-blaming way. I think that seeing them identify their own feelings and their own needs would’ve helped me learn how to take responsibility for my own feelings and help me understand how my emotions are simply pointing me towards whether or not my needs were being met.

      Instead, as an adult, I discovered NonViolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and have spent a ton of time and effort learning how to identify my feelings and understand and articulate my own needs. And now, I look at my parents and how they communicate, and I see a ton of inherent blame in the way they communicate, and a lack of willingness to take responsibility for their own issues.

      So… I don’t know how helpful that is. But I guess I would encourage you to try to stick with the empathy route and teach your kid that feelings are okay and it’s okay if he is scared that his need for time and love from you isn’t going to met – but that in order to help him get his needs met, you need him to practice articulating his needs clearly and nonviolently. And if you’re interested, definitely check out the book NonViolent Communication.

      1. Al Lo*

        Also not a parent, so my interactions have the benefit of being shorter and not every day. However, with my almost-4-year-old nephew, I try hard to get at what he’s really asking for and say yes more often than no. Of course, I sometimes veto, because I’m the adult, and I have information he doesn’t, but I do my best to figure out why.

        I remember being at Ikea with him once, and in the toy section, with all of the Ikea train tracks and other toys out, there was a little boy with 2 trains — playing with one, not with the other. My nephew tried to take the one the other little boy was playing with, and I told him that he could play with the other train instead. Well, the other boy’s mom told me (nicely) that her son had actually brought both trains with him — I thought they were part of the toys that were out, belonging to the store. My nephew (just barely 3 at the time) threw a fit when we had to leave, and it broke my heart as I carried him screaming out of the store. It was my fault for not checking first (and also for not eating dinner first — he was also hangry!), but he still didn’t understand why I was making him leave the toys alone.

        Cut to the car ride home: “Auntie,” *hiccup* “I’m not screaming anymore.” *hiccup* *sob* “Can we go back to that place and have supper?”

        We didn’t go back to “that place” to have supper, and he was distracted by something else fairly soon, but it was definitely a reminder for me in empathy to his huge emotions in his little, uncontrollable world, where so many people tell him what to do and it doesn’t always make sense to him.

    4. Huh*

      I hear you. My kid is a similar age and this is an issue for us too. Our whining is frequently followed by screaming/crying. I love him and I would die for him, but I also want to run away.

      I avoid reinforcing the behaviour and repeat to him that it’s hard to understand what he’s saying when he’s crying/complaining. For example if he’s whining over juice, he only gets juice when he calms down and makes a polite request. I am also trying to be mindful of how I speak to him – oh boy this is hard – and I remind myself again and again to keep calm when I’m dealing with difficult behaviour.

      One excellent tip I received is to remain patient when teaching a child. You can’t expect them to change after a couple of sessions of constructive feedback. I know it’s going to take a long time to “re-programme” his whining and teach him to articulate his thoughts in a better way.

      Good luck to you. This parenting business is tough.

      1. fposte*

        “One excellent tip I received is to remain patient when teaching a child. You can’t expect them to change after a couple of sessions of constructive feedback.”

        Honestly, see above thread about training a dog. We are just mammals, and the younger we are, the less rational discourse helps. Whining is evolutionary–it’s how the young get the best crack at resources–so it’s got a lot on its side and takes a lot of training away from, same as it does if you want to train a dog to stop barking.

    5. Temperance*

      Not a parent, but I distinctly remember being very jealous of my younger sister, and later brother, because it seemed like they got all the attention, especially because my parents had a habit of telling me that they baby needed them *more*.

      Does your son go to school/daycare? Is he getting a social outlet away from his younger sib?

      1. Elizabeth West*

        That’s a good question–it could help him feel better about being more grown-up than the baby, and less like his place is being usurped, because he’s making a new place.

    6. dawbs*

      Ugh, I commiserate. Only child, but the whine is a challenge.

      One thing I was thinking of was on the more cooperative things. When we were working on integrating kid into life with pets, we were told NOT to play with the pet when the kid was napping. Not that we shouldn’t ever play when the kid was napping, but if the pet makes the association “kid goes away, I get attention and treats, YAY!”, that’s not the association you want. I was told instead to find ways to include the pet when the kid was there–not that the kid had to be involved (but extra positive if she could be!), but that me feeding the baby while the cat got pets or reading to the dog while there was a half-hearted game of tug w/ the dog, or letting the dog get all over belly rubs during Saturday morning cartoons, and getting out the high-value treats only when the whole family was present made the association a lot more strongly be “when this hairless ball of stink is around, that’s when the best stuff happens, YAY!”
      I won’t say it works perfectly, but my dog still thinks small children pulling on her ears means she should look toward the kitchen and wait for her treats.

      I wouldn’t at all get rid of your alone times–those are awesome ways to create positive relationships. But make sure there’s inclusive awesomeness too.
      And this too shall pass. even if you want to drop kick them occasionally until it does.

      1. dawbs*

        I’ll also say that if there’s a time of day that’s hard, work within that.

        Mornings are hard in a different way at my house than afternoons. And I try (and I often don’t succeed, but I try0 to make sure the plan isn’t so much ‘teach her a lesson about patience/accomplishing things/perseverence/whatever’ as much as it ‘set her up for success AND get the crap we need done’.
        Which means her teacher and I have a deal worked out where my kid is expected to be the last one out of the classroom every ding-dangity-day–it’s ‘accepted’ that she won’t be ready in the window of time she has to get ready to leave. She’ll try, but at the end of the day, she’ll not succeed unless someone sits on her and yells at her or does it for her.
        It’s a challenge. BUT, I can either have a kid w/ some sensory issues who is *DONE* by that point in the day–and either she is given that extra time, and as a result, organizes her crap after school, ends the day without a meltdown, and works with us on trying to accomplish these things, OR we have the meltdown and crappy end of the day, every day.
        So we’ve created a way for it to succeed–even if it’s SIGNIFICANTLY more annoying.

        Not everything can be a success, but, it’s like when shopping with a 3 year old…if you’re done with what needs to be done and everything has gone pleasantly and you think you *MIGHT* be able to get one more store done…or you could leave on a high note, leave on the high note. Leave while it’s still a success.
        Or the restaurant where the kids have been angels, and you might be able to get coffee and dessert, even though you promised Diary Queen after. Coffee and cake sound awesome, and you could still do dairy queen after…leave while it’s still on that high note.
        Set it up to succeed, however you can. WHatever moves it from ‘hard’ to ‘to difficult for my kid’ even if that something is ‘important for teaching’ (like “ties own shoes” or WTFever is on your docket right now), try to get rid of that *FOR NOW*. It can come back in later–once you have success as a pattern for mornings.

        Mornings are a challenge at my house, but a different one–and the competitive aspect you’re describing is it’s own can of worms, but if there’s a way to make getting in the car next to the sibling be the ‘win’, even if it means you, I dunno, eat breakfast in the car instead of at home, or get a sticker for things totally not sticker-worthy, or if it adds an extra 1/2 hour to the morning or means PITA factor–even if it gives you crappy mom points, do it for now, and know that you can create a pattern for successful mornings and, after you have success, tweak to add what you think improves it.

    7. Sami*

      Check out Love & Logic! They have tons of resources for parents (and teachers). They also have many free short articles on various topics.
      loveandlogic [dot] com

      Good luck!

  63. Sheep*

    I guess I’m just venting/looking for some love. Just drove my LDR husband to the airport after a really successful 3-week visit over Christmas. We’ve been going through a tough time (intercultural/interfaith marriage), but now it feels like we’ve come out the other end. Feeling really optimistic about my married future. It just sucks that we’re currently apart. We’re both kind of trying to figure out our careers too, so money is tight and we don’t really know when the next visit will be. What we do know is that we’re working on him being here on an almost-permanent basis. (Getting a residence permit is not easy in the current situation).

    1. misspiggy*

      Well done for coming out the other end. The best piece of relationship advice I ever got (from my dad) was ‘Remember to make a fuss of each other.’ An old lady in a shop said that to him when he was a newlywed.

      I imagine that goes double for LDRs, even though the ways to do it are more limited. But it’s certainly helped me when things have been tough. I hope things get easier soon!

  64. Random one*

    Completely non-work related…

    Anyone have any experience with getting a divorce processed in the US while overseas? Couple is domiciled in WA state, but work in Asia for US Government. For tax, DL, and voting hey remain resident in WA. Can they have a WA divorce processed while remaining overseas.

    1. Red Reader*

      My Washington divorce experience was that at least one of us had to show up in person to file and then 90 days later again to finalize.

    2. Tabby Baltimore*

      If you haven’t already done this, I would suggest going to the nearest U.S. embassy or U.S. consulate in your country for help. You could start with the Community Liaison Officer (not 100% sure, but I think CLOs may be limited to just embassies) to see if s/he knows of any embassy units/services that could help you with answering this question. This is not an uncommon occurrence, so I would think that even if the CLO office couldn’t help you directly, the CLO could at least refer you to someone else in the U.S. embassy who might know the right office for you to go to, to get the kind of help you need. This is a very tough situation to be in. All the best.

  65. The Other Dawn*

    Has anyone joined Rising Hereos on Nerd Fitness? I joined since I figure it will keep me accountable and help me lose the last few pounds before surgery. I’m hoping it doesn’t get to be too much where it’s just a pain in the butt. At least there’s a 60 day money back guarantee so I figure I won’t waste any money if it turns out I don’t like it.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Sounds like it will open up every month. It’s only been a few days, but the Facebook news feed for the closed group has been VERY active. It’s great because it’s crowding out all the BS I usually see, but it’s a bit much sometimes so I might make it so I don’t see the posts on my feed. People seem to be really into it.

  66. Rebecca*

    Cast iron pans! Do you have them, use them, and how old are they?

    In my continuing “do I need this, can I get rid of this, what am I keeping” process (which is going slowly but progressing, not stagnant!), I pulled out the last two cast iron pans I haven’t cleaned and reseasoned. They belonged to my Grandparents on my Dad’s side. I joined a cast iron Facebook group, and started looking at the marks or lack thereof on my pans. I had done this briefly about a year ago, but it went by the wayside. I’ve been using them for many years now, after getting tired of non stick pans and the teflon flaking off into my food when they break down. Plus, I’m happy I can cook in the same pans as my Grandparents did.

    I have 10 cast iron skillets, ranging in size from you can cook 2 eggs comfortably to 12 eggs comfortably :) My go to egg pan is an Erie Griswold #3 , about 6″ across, made between 1920-1940. It’s so seasoned that eggs don’t stick, and I just wipe it out with a paper towel when done. I have another Erie, #5, a bit bigger, made in 1905 according to the marks on the back. The biggest skillet is a Wagner 12, and dates from between 1891-1910. I think the newest pan in the bunch is probably the Favorite Piqua Ware skillet, made before 1935, and the oldest is a big pan, just smaller than the Wagner 12, with a gate mark on the bottom, and no other markings. I need to give a shout out to The Cast Iron Collector for all their detailed information about trademarks and logos!

    I am definitely keeping these, no question – and have decided that the other frying pans I have stored away are going up on the sell and swap, or I may give them to someone who is just setting up their own apartment. Every so often, there’s a post about that…so that will solve two problems – me getting rid of extra stuff I don’t need, and someone getting something they do need. That’s a win-win!

    1. Jessesgirl72*

      I have a dutch oven that was my great aunt’s (roughly 1920’s) and my mom still uses every day a couple skillets that were my grandmother’s. They are the best for eggs, hands down.

    3. Girasol*

      One ancient, two ten-year-old Lodge from the hardware store. Easier to season and re-season than I expected. More non-stick than I thought. Don’t know why it took me so long to give up teflon.

    4. Marillenbaum*

      I have one, but I don’t particularly like it because it has a wooden handle (!) which means I can’t put it in the oven to make cornbread. I dream of one day having skillets so well-seasoned that eggs don’t stick.

    5. Anonyby*

      The first episode of the new season of America’s Test Kitchen is all about cast iron! I’m a member, so I’m getting to see it a bit early, but it should be airing on TV in roughly a couple weeks (IIRC).

    6. JJtheDoc*

      I have a 10″ round cast iron griddle a neighbor gave me . It was originally her mother’s, and she included a picture of her Mom making dollar pancakes on the griddle. That was 52 years ago, and I still use the griddle!

    7. Elizabeth West*

      Whoops, I need to reseason mine! Now’s a good time to do it; it’s cold and I can use the oven.

      I think I have an Erie third series; it has ERIE, 704, and what barely looks like an 8 at the bottom. Outside heat ring and the regular handle, not the scoop. It looks almost exactly like the one in Figure 4 here: www dot wag-society.org/guest/ERIESkilletArticle.pdf (I can’t tell if it has quotes around ERIE, because the writing is too faint)Poor thing is pretty beat up, but it still works.

      Swap meet, $15; I bought it because I was looking for a pan that size.

    8. Al Lo*

      I have one that I use all the time — it actually lives on my stove permanently, and I just toss whatever is being cooked into it. I bought it new at a discount home store, and it lived in the cupboard for something like 4 years before I decided that I was just going to suck it up and figure out how to use it.

      Both my husband and I grew up cooking a lot with parents who were very good cooks, but neither of us had used cast iron, so it went in the dishwasher once (him), and he scrubbed every bit of rust off by hand, and then I re-seasoned it… and became a lot more confident using it when I realized that a) I really couldn’t do anything to permanently damage it, and b) if I ever needed to start from scratch, I could just throw it in the oven on a self-clean cycle, and bingo, I was back to square one.

      Now, it’s very nicely seasoned, it gets used all the time, and we both know how to clean it.

  67. "Insolent" Irish Em*

    I had houseguests (Uncle & Aunt-in-law) for three nights. At some point during those three nights they removed the bulb from the main light fixture and placed it in the lamp rather than find out if there was a spare lightbulb (there was) or a spare lamp (there was), and they elected not to inform me of this development. The next time I went into the room and tried to turn on the lights, I thought that the fuse had gone or that someone had stolen the lightbulb. When I questioned the houseguests (via text as they had gone home) I was called stupid/ignorant (text message read: “if you use your head you would see where the bulb is”) and when I protested their lack of involving me, the homeowner in their decision to interfere in the light fittings (My text read: “why didn’t you tell me, I’d have got you the spare lamp &or bulb, thanks so much for the inconvenience”) I was called Insolent and my tone was unacceptable.

    Was I insolent or was I within my rights to be pissed off at guests interfering with my light fixtures? I mean, the thanks so much was intended to be snarky, but my level of chill is zero right now for personal reasons.

    1. 14 years*

      Well, they were jerks first with their message, because no, I wouldn’t think to look in the lamp nor would I assume anyone would switch bulbs, but your last line was unnecessary. Still, I’m on your side.

      1. Jessesgirl72*

        Yes, you were insolent. But there were rude to switch things and then jerks for insulting you for not reading their minds.

    2. Zip Silver*

      This complaint seems pretty inconsequential. I wouldn’t sweat it, and leave it in the past. You’ll be happier for it.

    3. Colorado CrazyCatLady*

      You were right to be annoyed, for sure, and they were rude to call you stupid and ignorant, but your last line of “thanks so much for the convenience” was unnecessary.

      That being said, I get extremely annoyed when I have guests that are ungracious, messy or otherwise rude to be around. I have a lot of guests and it amazes me what some people do and say and act entitled to.

    4. Persephone Mulberry*

      It is time to let it go.

      Their response to “hey, what happened to the ceiling light in the guest room” was rude (you also didn’t share your initial message so it’s hard to judge whether perhaps they responded in kind) but getting snarky at them for “interfering with the light fixtures” (really??) was unnecessary and everything after that is just escalating the issue.

    5. BBBizAnalyst*

      That would annoy me too but no need to escalate. Now you know that these are people who are inconsiderate house guests. I’d be inclined to not have them stay overnight in the future.

    6. Marcela*

      Well, I consider myself to be allowed to be insolent with my elders, if they do not respect me as an adult. I mean, being insolent is not necessarily a bad thing, when done in the exact circumstances you are. What they mean is “I don’t like being scolded, young lady, specially when I know I’m wrong”. So perhaps you were insolent, but from my view you were right.

      1. fposte*

        I don’t think they were actually wrong, though, in their initial action; it was a little weird, but I can totally see people doing this rather than bothering the host. And I confess I’d be really taken aback by a communication from a host chasing down the whereabouts of a light bulb–light bulbs burn out, break, whatever, and as a host I wouldn’t expect my guests to account for that. It would be like asking after Kleenex or the pen I’d left in the room.

        That doesn’t mean it was evil to do, but I think it put guests in an unnecessarily defensive position where *they* felt disrespected as adults. And it just went downhill from there.

        1. Marcela*

          Oh, yeah, I was not clear when talking about “first action”. Probably I would have done the same, replacing the bulb without asking my host. Specially if I needed it at night, when I use to need light :). (Although telling my host would be the first thing I’ve done the next morning). And while I could understand being confused about being asked about the bulb, because probably there are remains of the other bulb somewhere, so it’s not like they stole it or I expected to, for the same reasons you said, it’s their “if you use your head” that would have give me permission to unleash my venomous tongue. They were insolent first. Being asked about where something is is not disrespectful by default.

          1. fposte*

            I agree that their comment was more overtly rude. But being questioned about lightbulbs is weirdly accusatory, and not everybody feels like smoothing things over once a gauntlet has been thrown down. So I think the OP threw first gauntlet and the relatives the first rudeness, and both could have chosen differently to have avoided the accident, so I declare this one a draw.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Having grown up hearing, “well you should know” as a response to most questions, my blood pressure went right up with your story here.
      Additionally, name calling is a huge no-no.
      Insulting one’s attributes, be it physical or mental is over the line. Calling someone stupid is unacceptable, especially when they just gave you free lodging and meals.

      So these people are going to teach you not to be insolent by being insolent themselves? How’s that working for them?

      My bias is that I have listened to decades of this crap and I am done. So I would have zero patience for your setting here. These folks would not be invited back to my home. I had to put up with it when I did not own the house I was in, now I don’t have to put up with it.

      You know, my husband and I had the exact light bulb problem when we were staying with an elderly relative who could not navigate the stairs to the guest room. Rather than bother her in the middle of the night, we swapped bulbs and that was good enough to get to morning. Once morning came we went to the store and bought her the correct bulb. We installed the bulb. By the time she got up everything was taken care of and we told her what we did. We also told her the price of a light bulb was very cheap for a night’s lodging and food for the two of us. While she did not want us paying for her bulb, she understood it was a loving gesture on our part.

      If this circumstance is a stand-alone or one of a kind, I guess I would try to overlook it. But if this comes with HISTORY, then it could be a symptom of a larger problem. They escalated very quickly here and you matched their escalation, which is a normal thing for most of us to do. You can insist that they think logically by being dry, detached and logical yourself.

    8. My name is Judge.*

      Did you initially accuse them of stealing the light bulb? If so, I can see why they reacted so harshly. Honestly, I think it should have been left alone from the beginning. They were rude by calling you ignorant (although, you didn’t say what was initially said to them) and you responded with rudeness. Do you have other issues with them? Switching a light bulb around seems like a little thing to get upset about from both sides. Unless the light bulbs were special and could have caused a fire by being in the incorrect fixture, I think you need to let it go.

    9. Irish Em*

      There’s a LOT of history with these houseguests (one more so than the one with whom I was texting), which is what really threw me – the insolent comment sounded like the one I don’t get on with rather than the one I do, who I had asked about the missing bulb.

      I think my main problem was that they expected me to be psychic, and the feeling that they didn’t care how the missing bulb affected me – I have chronic pain issues which makes changing a bulb a Massive Ordeal for me, often leaving me with muscle problems in my back, and I think another part of my annoyance is how they don’t recognise or appreciate that changing a bulb is a Massive Problem for me. People without chronic pain (or, really, in my experience, those particular people) really don’t get what it’s like. Things that aren’t serious problems for them to handle couldn’t possibly be serious problems for anyone else.

      I’ll let it go, but I don’t think I’ll be having them to stay anytime soon again. Thank you all for your input – I really needed some neutral parties to help give me perspective on the faults in both our interactions.

      1. fposte*

        I figured this was probably on top of a larger saga with these folks. I think you’re right to opt out of having them as houseguests in the future–that’s tough even with people you always find delightful, and I don’t think I’d do it with anybody that I found annoying.

  68. Not So NewReader*

    I would like to sell some old yearbooks. I am hoping to find a company that buys old year books.

    Does anyone have a recommendation for a good/reputable company?

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I’d love to know, too, as I want to buy a copy of my high school year book. I lent it to a friend who is now a former friend and after 16 years I just can’t bring myself to ask for it back.

    2. fposte*

      I don’t think they earn back the money for their storage, because there are so few customers for each, so I don’t think anybody buys them up the way they do regular books. Dawn, I am seeing some sites that will point you to online versions–which unforutnately is another reason why there’s not much market for buying the physical ones, NSNR.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Drrr, I should have thought of that. Our library just got a grant to put the yearbooks online. So, of course, this makes sense. Thank you.

    3. SophieChotek*

      If you don’t want to just pitch the you could ask the school if they would ever want them back for their archives.

      I offered some menorabilia back to a staff member of my alma mater and I was rather shocked when he took the entire love — for the university archives. (We’re not talking personal photos, we’re talking mugs and things like that.)

  69. Mela*

    Capsule wardrobes! I’ve been working on a year-round capsule, and gotten a lot done, but I’ve hit an inspiration wall. No one seems to be doing year-round, so I have no idea what numbers I should be hitting–33/season x 4 is 132, which is waaay too much. I also live pretty nomadically, so I want to include things like loungewear, workout gear and outwear. Whenever I look for new blogs/resources, it just seems like the focus is trying to get you to buy more stuff, instead of the making tough choices part.

    2. fposte*

      You’ve put your finger on the problems I see with the capsule wardrobe as usually presented. That’s a hell of a big capsule, and really it’s more of a matrix that gets built on. I think it’s also an illustration of how arbitrary the numbers are. (I’m presuming on the tough choices thing you’ve encountered the basic love/maybe/no kind of thing and are looking for something deeper.)

      However, I just did a search on “capsule wardrobe for year round travel” and found a few blogs with some interesting things. My theory wasn’t necessarily that you’re on the go 365 days a year but that people who are will provide a better base for building on. I might let go of the number goal for a bit and look at those, jotting notes about how you’d need to adapt (one blogger was clear that they’re always in warm climes, for instance) and then start putting possible wardrobes together on those templates and see what you think.

      I kind of like the Danish blog Use Less Wardrobe which has the unintentionally comic URL of uselesswardrobe dot dk. It’s one of those fairly high style ones, but the basics on the home page are helpful to me (though that may just be because I haven’t seen that many overviews of the concept), and she’s very Scandi in her commitment to a fairly simple colorway.

      So don’t know if this helps, but I think what you’re doing is really interesting; let us know how you fare.

    3. C Average*

      I am currently obsessed with capsule wardrobes, too; the difference is that I’m sewing mine rather than assembling it, and I’m building it on my existing preferences rather than a suggested capsule. It wouldn’t work for everyone!

      I work in a place where the dress code is pretty much anything you want, as long as it’s modest, and I’ve always preferred to wear loose dresses rather than other styles. We’re also encouraged to wear things we’ve made. (I work in a fabric store. I’m short and busty and can be hard to fit; I’m also on the spectrum and dislike constricting clothing and certain textures. I live in a four-season climate and work in a chilly building, and I like to walk places, so I’m out in the weather a lot. I’ve found that I much prefer to travel in dresses rather than pants, too. Basically, I spend 9/10 of my life in some flavor of long, loose dresses.

      Taking all this into account, I landed on using medieval peasant attire for inspiration. I mean, those women pretty much had capsule wardrobes as a necessity! With that in mind, here’s mine. Each piece has a seasonal version, so it’s basically this list x 4.

      A. Long dress with long sleeves in a sturdy stretch fabric (merino wool for winter, organic cotton for spring, silk for summer, bamboo for fall). This can be worn alone or as a base layer.
      B. Sleeveless longish dress in a sturdy woven (wool for winter, linen for spring, silk for summer, light wool for fall). Can be worn alone, over A, or with a shawl over the top.
      C. Short-sleeved longish dress in identical fabric to B.
      D. Long-sleeved shirt in identical fabric to A.
      E. Short-sleeved shirt in identical fabric to A.
      F. Sleeveless top in identical fabric to B and C.
      G. Wide-legged pants in identical fabric to B and C.
      H. Quilted hooded zip-up vest in fabric coordinated with all other pieces.
      I. Quilted apron skirt in fabric coordinated with all pieces.
      J. Wrap/shrug in fabric coordinated with all pieces.
      K. Loose coatdress that can be worn alone as a dress, unbuttoned over other pieces as an extra layer, or under other pieces.

      Did I mention pockets on everything? Yes. Pockets on everything.

      So there are 11 total pieces per season, and the seasons are designed to work together, i.e., you can layer the spring long-sleeve under the fall sleeveless, etc.

      In addition to those 44 pieces, I have a small collection of workout gear and a couple of warm winter coats. I also have one pair of jeans I only wear at my husband’s behest like, twice a year.

      I haven’t fully implemented this. It’s a work in progress.

      That’s how I’d encourage people to think about capsule wardrobes. What do you already have that works for you? What would you build if you had a personal tailor at your disposal and a really small closet?

      1. Ms Ida*

        If you don’t mind sharing someday I would love to see pictures of your capsule wardrobe. This sounds amazing.

    4. Ultraviolet*

      For what it’s worth, I think most people who talk about ~33 items per season are expecting a lot of items to carry over from one season to the next, rather than having 33 distinct items for each season. So there might be 25 items that are part of each season’s wardrobe, and 8 that are uniquely summer, 8 that are uniquely winter, etc. So that would be 57 total items. And in reality, there could probably be overlap between the 8 fall items and the 8 winter items, so your total would be lower. Of course 57 might still be a lot to you! It’s definitely true that the current capsule wardrobe trend is focused on helping people who love to shop do it a little less. Maybe you’d find it more helpful to look up resources for paring down, downsizing your house, or moving overseas?

    3. Elizabeth West*

      Ooh I want one. My Belgian wafflemaker broke, but I want one of the square ones that makes four waffles, like we had when I was a kid. Then I can make a ton and freeze them and have my own Eggos!!

  71. Colorado CrazyCatLady*

    My husband and I moved to Colorado 4 years ago and love it but are over the winter. We are trying to research new places to move. Anyone have suggestions?

    This is our criteria:
    *no snow or constantly freezing temps. I don’t mind very hot temperatures in the summers.
    *ability to do a lot of outdoor activities
    *relatively low cost of living – we’re looking for houses under $300k so we could pay it in full, and reasonable property taxes. Right now, ours are around $1500/year, and in Mass, they were $5000 per year. I’d say under $2500/year for a 250-300k house would be reasonable.
    *within an hour of a major airport
    *a place where there are hikes with inclines – so not Florida.

    Bonuses:
    *pro sports teams nearby
    *an area where there are lots of concerts (not necessarily major bands, but places where most bands would stop on a tour)
    *preferably places with gluten-free restaurants since I have Celiac :)

    We’ve looked at Arizona, Utah, Nevada and California and I THINK that’s generally the area we’ll end up. I liked Nevada more than I thought I would, same with SW Utah. I didn’t really like the Phoenix area. We’re looking at some of the suburbs of Palm Springs – like Palm Desert. They seem reasonably priced but we haven’t visited.

    1. AZ transplant*

      I’m in a suburb of Phoenix and it is lovely. I’m not sure where you looked in Phoenix but there are many suburbs with different character. Tempe is really nice, as is Fountain Hills. About an hour away, Tucson has a different character and is very liveable. Cost of living is good, outdoor activities depend on the season and location.

      1. AZ transplant*

        Oh, and both Tucson and Phoenix suburbs meet all your other criteria, though Phoenix more so, I think.

      2. Colorado CrazyCatLady*

        We basically just saw Phoenix, Glendale, Scottsdale and further out, Sedona. We did like Scottsdale but I think that’s expensive. We’ll check out the places you suggested!

        1. AZ transplant*

          Scottsdale is expensive, Paradise Valley even more so. Depending on the size of house you are looking for, you can easily find another suburb that works. Gilbert and Chandler you can find 2000-3000 square foot homes under 300k that are in nice safe areas with good community resources – the parks and rec centers generally are excellent, as are the libraries. Unfortunately schools are underfunded, though there are still very good schools depending on where you are, including some of the best in the country, but sounds like fortunately that is not an issue for you.

          1. Stephanie*

            Paradise Valley in the city of Phoenix isn’t too bad. Paradise Valley proper is where CEOs live. Phoenix, in general, is all over the place price wise. Some of the trendier or historic areas will have houses for like $400-500k, but there are cheaper houses in other neighborhoods.

    2. Dr. KMnO4*

      My parents have a house in Casa Grande, AZ, which is between Phoenix and Tucson (about an hour from each). Housing prices seem reasonable there, though I’m not sure about GF restaurants.

      I’ve heard that TN also has very reasonable property taxes. Depending on your location GF restaurants can be hit or miss, but certainly the bigger the city the more likely you are to find good GF stuff (fellow Celiac speaking from experience).

    3. fposte*

      Have you officially decided against the east or are you just happening to look in the west right now? I would think the Carolinas would fit a lot of your criteria.

      1. Colorado CrazyCatLady*

        I’m not opposed to the East necessarily but my husband doesn’t want to go back to the Eastern time zone because of how late it made him stay up to watch sports, LOL. I think he’d consider it though if we found something that was otherwise good.

        1. fposte*

          I think that’s genuinely smart to factor that in if it really is a quality of life issue, but it’s also hilarious :-).

    4. Mallows*

      I’m about to take your place in CO :-)

      Are you ok with far-less-frequent-than-CO snow or do you want no snow, ever?
      How do you feel about humidity (from your list of choices I’m guessing it’s a dealbreaker)

      1. Colorado CrazyCatLady*

        Really?? When/where are you moving? Wanna buy my house? ;)

        I’m okay with humidity – grew up with it. He prefers less humidity, but it’s another thing that isn’t a deal-breaker either way. I would be okay with less frequent and less quantity of snow. I care more about the number of snowy days than the amount of snow although I’m sure the two are highly correlated! But snow that doesn’t need to be shoveled and amounts to less than 12″/year would probably be okay. For me, anyway.

        Oh – another thing that matters is sun! I can’t live someplace dreary again because I struggle with seasonal depression.

        1. Mallows*

          I’m off to Denver, like the rest of the known universe. Hoping to move in March -very dependent on the housing I find. Good luck w/ your house – I’m hoping the market will calm the heck down now that there are 7 legal weed states (but *after* you sell, of course!)

          I was going to suggest NC or Virginia. If you want to step out the door into mountains, Charlottesville, VA is, I think, an hour or so from DC, so that fulfills your airport needs. If hills are cool (vs mountains) and airport proximity is most important, Charlotte NC is a good call and is also not a far drive to the mountains of western NC. I am presently a resident of Richmond and I *really* like it – people are so very friendly, there’s a proper river and hills and serious outdoor and foodie cultures – but I do think it fails your airport test. Humidity is of course an issue for all these places. It seems like once a year anymore, we get smacked with one serious snowfall and that’s it – but it also brings routines to a screeching halt so maybe that’s a decent tradeoff?

          1. Colorado CrazyCatLady*

            Yeah, the market has been insane. We bought in 2013 – just in time. We’re in the Northwest suburbs and it’s a great location for us. Meets all the criteria except for winter!

    5. Being Here Now*

      St George Utah and Mesquite Nevada seem like they have lots of newer housing and shopping and infrastructure. St George is about a half hour from Mesquite and Mesquite is a bit more than an hour from Las Vegas, so not too far from world class entertainment. They get blazing hot in summer though. Also it seems like there are mostly retired people living in Mesquite, and quite a few retirees in St George as well. Cedar City Utah is an hour north of St George and a little more moderate in temperature in summer but you’d definitely get snow in the winter there.

      1. Colorado CrazyCatLady*

        We were JUST in St. George and loved it. We liked Ivins, UT too which I think is just a suburb. That is definitely a place we’d consider.

    6. Stephanie*

      I agree that Arizona or the Carolinas would be a good fit. I don’t know enough about Tennessee, but that could work.

      Issue you might run into with Palm Springs is the air travel. PSP is expensive to fly in and out of, so you’d pretty much have to drive to Ontario at best or even LA or San Diego.

    7. Buffay the Vampire Layer*

      Sacramento might be a good fit. It’s nicer than you’d think. Great weather, lots of outdoor activities, and cheaper than the bay.

    8. Loopy*

      I lived in Tucson for a few years and absolutely loved it. I thought it had a lot more character/quirkyness than Phoenix and the mountains were phenomenal for hiking. It’s also the cheapest place I’ve ever lived (currently in South Carolina for comparison). I’d give it my highest recommendation. The drive to Phoenix is also insanely easy and tons of stuff goes through there if it doesn’t make it to Tucson.

    9. CAA*

      In addition to Palm Springs, you might look at eastern and southern San Diego county — Borrego Springs, Warner Springs, Santa Ysabel, Boulevard, Campo, etc.

    10. Elizabeth West*

      Tucson isn’t too bad. They get lots of stuff there, have a big science university and sports, and it’s easy to get to other places from it. I believe Southwest flies out of that airport.

    11. Suekel*

      Your list screams Austin to me. Granted I live in this area, but it checks every one of the things you mentioned.

  72. Being Here Now*

    We like St George too. We break our road trips to So Cal by stopping for the night there. We’ve had good experiences with restaurants there.

    1. Colorado CrazyCatLady*

      They have a Red Robin and Chipotle which aren’t terribly exciting but are safe for me to eat at.

  73. NEW YEAR, NEW ME*

    Hi all. I had a fallout with a friend last year that has impacted other mutual friendships. I have no idea that this ex-friend (who has a tendency to start fights with people if she thinks they don’t let her have her way or not being her friend) is saying about me. I’m certain she is partial, if not entirely, to blame for one friend to stop talking to me. Another third-party seems to be now avoiding my calls. And another person asked me whether or not I paid rent to my family (which came out of nowhere) and seemed surprised when I said I did. What can I do? Should I write to the ex-friend with these examples and tell her to back off?

    1. fposte*

      Last question: no, absolutely not. Nobody changes their behavior based on a list of complaints about them, and if she is trash-talking to you, this will give her fodder for a lifetime.

      It sounds like this friend circle may be somewhat inclined to drama. I can’t imagine suddenly cutting off a friend because of what another friend said about them, and I’d say either they’re people worth outgrowing or that something else is going on about your relationship with them. I also don’t see any reason to assume the rent question was related to your former friend–a lot of people don’t pay rent to their parents, so that may be why she was surprised. But that was also an opportunity to say “Why do you ask?” and to find out if Lavinia was at the back of it.

      And if she is, you can’t stop her; all that will do is splatter more mud on you. What you can do is behave in ways that make it matter less. If the person asking says, “Well, Lavinia called you a freeloader,” you don’t snarl, you shrug and say “I’m sorry to hear that; we’re not as close as we used to be, and I hope she’s doing well.” It’s also possible that the other two people being distant are being distant from both you and Lavinia and what they see as stress that isn’t a good part of friendships for them. If that’s a possibility, I’d wait for a bit before I tried contacting them again and give them a little space.

      It also sounds like you may be in a friend group that’s coming to the end of its season, so part of your New Year, New Me could be reaching out to explore new friendships, especially with people who never knew Lavinia or your old friends.

      1. NEW YEAR, NEW ME*

        Thanks. It’s just I like the other two people very much and haven’t done any serious mud slinging. One of the mutual ex-friends probably is taking Lavinia’s side because they’re close.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          It’s okay to like people more than they like us. I wish someone had said that to me decades ago. It’s never wrong to be sincere. Hang on to that thought.

          So these two people that you like hang on to them loosely. Take the high road in what you say. Then wait to see what happens over time. Let them sort themselves out.

          I hang on to the old adage of “friends for a reason, a season or a life time.” We don’t know which friends are in what category and sadly, we do not get to pick, either.

    2. NoMoreMrFixit*

      No. If she is guilty then it will encourage her to be an even bigger PITA. And if she isn’t guilty then you end up looking bad. Unfortunately some people will insist on forming and taking sides in these sorts of situations. Nothing you can do but drive on and enjoy the friends that are loyal.

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      There’s a certain type of person that likes to make sure their version of events or a situation is the first version that other people hear. Often it’s about situations that don’t warrant “tattling” so it’s hard to predict when it’ll happen. I’d let this friend group fade away. You don’t want to be constantly worrying over whether your friends are mad at you.

  74. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    So I didn’t sprain my wrist- I actually broke a small bone in the ball of my thumb, quite badly. So my dominant hand and thumb are in a huge splint until an MRI on Thursday.

    Aaaand I still have to work my desk job. Argh.

    4. Chaordic One*

      I hope you are not in a lot of pain. If so, I hope the doctor gave you something for it. Hugs.

  75. Marcela*

    Ground swallow me. I’m in the same room with my husband having a fight with his mom about my SIL. My SIL is very spoiled, she is married with 2 children and lives of my FIL. My FIL, who is not really the most sensible person on earth, told my husband, last time he was here, he was very worried about what was going to happen when he is gone, for they are not able to live by themselves. He actually told my husband that then we should support them. My SIL is always wanting to have new things, and saying she has “rights” to do whatever she wants. She has refused in the past to work, because “people looked bad at her”.

    My MIL, of course, is refusing to listen. She claims my SIL works very hard, with probably it’s true, but doing fun stuff that she can only do because my FIL supports her family. I mean, handmade jam or jewelry, where margins are tiny even if you do things the right way. Anytime she has had an offer for a better 9 to 5 jobs, she claims she does not like how she’s been treated and that she has a right to be with her children, so she resigns. And her husband is a piece of work. Lazy, classist, entitled. My MIL, who is usually feminist, is weirdly trying to find excuses for him.

    I do not want to be here, but I’m in bed, sick. I do not want to hear how we do not understand the issue because we don’t have children. My MIL knows we CAN’T have children.

    1. fposte*

      Oy. That last one makes it particularly horrible. Sorry.

      My advice to you is earbuds :-). My advice to your husband is to change his viewpoint from trying to get them to accept his point to merely conveying information. MIL doesn’t have to listen, and I’d bail on the conversation after the statement “As I’ve said, we won’t be able to support SIL and hubs, but they’re capable people and I’m sure they’ll be fine; I’m also not up for discussing this further. Dinner?”

      I suspect he’s hoping for some kind of result where his parents push his sister out of the nest now so that the problem can be fixed before it becomes his, but it’s pretty clear that’s not going to happen. My guess is they’ll leave most of what they have, if they have anything, to her, and then she’ll burn through it and come to your husband, and you and he will want to be sure you’re together on the “Nope” when that happens.

      1. Marcela*

        Your suspicion is 100% on target. That is exactly what he is trying to do. With the extra problem that my BIL, not my SIL’s husband but my husband’s brother, is another parasite. And we know for sure that my FIL is refusing to organize his affairs, money and properties. He has at least one property with one of his girlfriends, while he is still legally married to my MIL. And there is another girlfriend now at their place. And he let my BIL to construct a house in his property, so I know all of them will get knives after my FIL is gone. My MIL doesn’t have anything.

        It would be so great if good people could say no.

        1. Observer*

          OK. Please just make sure that NOTHING you own has your FIL or MIL’s name on it – and that neither of them have any access (official, unofficial, legal or extra-legal) to any of your accounts. If you have any reason to believe any of them have any of your passwords, change them THIS MINUTE. And make sure that all of the answers the the “secret security questions” are made up.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      “Oh, look! We have jobs all the way on the other side of the country! Whoops. Gotta go! love ya, mom and dad!”

      I am sorry, OP. I hope things get better here some how.

      1. Marcela*

        Actually, things are not that bad. We live as far away as we can from them, in another continent. Our families are, in fact, the reason we do not want to go back. We could not live in the hippie commune my FIl and his family, my SIL and her family and my BIL and his family have created, where everyone enters into all the other houses and take whatever they need, where cars are shared with only my FIL being responsible for gas, and where everybody ask money from everybody else. My family is healthier in their living arrangements, but we do have our own parasites, like my sister, and this weird thing where everybody has small personal loans for someone else (department stores’ credit cards make this very easy, without the stigma of ask money from banks, but it’s a mess).

        Since we are so far away, we do not give money to anybody. We don’t have a close relationship with most of our families, except my dear brother. So we are kind of isolated from most of the craziness. I guess my husband is getting more and more worried becausd from the distance is easier to see that his parents are getting older and older with no relief in sight. And he is traveling to visit his family in a week, so perhaps he is thinking that somebody is going to ask him for money, in which case it’s going to be very difficult to say no.

    3. Temperance*

      The only way to win is not to play.

      My husband’s family wants us to “help out” with money and pitch in with eldercare. For many, many reasons, that doesn’t work for us. Instead of fighting with them about it, and listening to their justifications why we need to be doing these things, my husband changes the subject and/or says no, without giving a reason. (The reasons are that 1.) his grandparents are working his mother to death while not leaving her their house, meaning that she will essentially be homeless or we’ll be supporting her after they die and 2.) they refuse to ask their son and his adult children, all of whom live in their small town, for any assistance.)

      When your FIL passes, your SIL will be screwed, financially. Not your problem. You can’t convince your ILs to stop supporting her now, so it’s a waste of your energy.

    4. BBBizAnalyst*

      Oh this was triggering as I come from a family and culture where “you’re supposed to take care of family”…. let me tell you, that does not work for me. I am not supporting my financially irresponsible parents and their lazy siblings. At some point, you have to remove yourself from the situation and let them deal with the consequences.

      Hopefully, you can find some solace in saying no and that will be the end of it.

      1. tigerStripes*

        I was brought up with a “you help family” motto, but only up to a point. After a certain point, it’s just enabling.

    5. Tabby Baltimore*

      I don’t know if this is an option for you, but should your husband’s parents actually get their collective act together and create wills, each naming your husband as the executor (from the way you describe things, this is likely to occur w/o his knowledge or consent), I’m fairly sure (IANAL!) that he can decline this “honor.” Not only that, if he is the recipient of a bequest, he can decline that, too, if he wants. I don’t know what happens in those cases, maybe the state takes over to handle probate and distribute bequests? But if your husband doesn’t want to be involved with his deceased parent’s estate, all I think he has to do is sign some paperwork to ease this burden off his shoulders. If this appeals to him and you as a potential solution, then regardless of where his parents live, this might be something he’ll want to check into with an estate attorney who lives in their area, just to give himself peace of mind.

      1. the gold digger*

        In the US, at least, it is my understanding that you cannot be forced to be the executor of a will or the trustee of a trust. Unless your family is emotionally healthy and your mother is incredibly organized (i.e., my siblings and mom), I would suggest you run away as fast as possible from the “honor” of being executor/trustee. It has been 19 months since my husband’s parents died and not only is the estate still not settled (they left a complete mess) but husband’s older half-brother, Ted, has been a jerk the entire time, calling Primo to scream at him and to accuse him of cheating. (Which Primo most certainly is not.)(It’s Ted who is trying to drain the trust Primo’s parents left to Ted’s mentally-disabled son.)

        1. the gold digger*

          PS Primo’s dad told him it was an honor to be executor and trustee, which must be why he disinherited Primo and wrote in the will that Primo should serve without compensation. My mother, on the other hand, asked if I would do her the favor of executing her will. And hence you see the essential differences between Primo’s family and mine.

        2. Marcela*

          Just thinking of your experience with Primo being executor, I DO NOT WANT US TO BE INVOLVED (add red blink for serious no no no effect). We would find my FIL’s porn, I am sure. However, although my husband doesn’t want anything from his parents, I’m sure we’ll find in the middle of the fight, mostly because my husband will want to be sure that his mom’s rights are respected.

          Problem is, we don’t think we can get his parents to organize their properties, bank accounts, debts, even their marriage. We have told them what we expect to happen, fights to death between my SIL and BIL, and both of them had agree with us, saying that scenario is almost 100% guaranteed. And yet, they refuse, they told us so, to do anything about it. They are passively setting everything so my husband will be forced to intervene.

          At least now I feel more content in the knowledge that everything my parents own was already disposed of. When my mom discovered my dad’s other family, she “sold” her house to a family member. Last year, after so much bugging her about what was going to happen if that other family member die, for my family also has grabbing monkeys, they made it so that house belongs to my brother and me.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        My state has an outline of how an estate should be distributed if there is no will. I would think that would be used as a base for figuring out what to do if someone refuses the dilapidated old house or whatever.
        I know there is a general release that I have signed saying that I would not contest and estate and I would not lay any claim to it. I have done this at least once, maybe twice. Basically, I signed it so the funds would go to a retired person with a fixed income. I was much younger, married and we were both working. We were fine. The retired person could use the money, a no-brainer.

        I am about as sure as I can be that your hubby could just refuse, Marcela. He’ll sign some documents and then return to life.

        1. Marcela*

          He could. I just can’t see him wanting to. He is the type of person that will actively intervene to fix a wrong. He knows his siblings will try to rob their mom: they are doing it now. So even if he doesn’t want to _keep_ anything, he’ll probably want to participate to be sure their siblings do not get advantage of the fact that his mom is going to be older and that she is getting more and more gullible.

          I absolutely agree with everything you said. I just can’t imagine my husband being able to follow the advice. This is the nth time they have had the same fight. It will happen again.

  76. Lady Julian*

    I may be too late to get good advice, but here goes anyway:

    I know that the AAM commentariat is a bunch of readers: Would you recommend Ishiguaro’s _The Buried Giant_ or Robinson’s _Gilead_ for an Intro to Lit class (for non-majors)? Relatedly, is 60-70 pages of reading/week too much for non-majors?

    1. Colette*

      60-70 pages of reading a week seems like a lot to me, and I read a lot. By which I mean I easily read more than that on a typical week, but if it’s something I didn’t choose, it would be a slog.

      Is that all the work in that class, or is it 60 pages + other stuff?

    2. Chaordic One*

      I’d go with “The Buried Giant.” I just think it is more interesting and not quite as much of a downer in spite of a few inconsistencies. Both are both pretty heavy, at least as how I read them.

    1. SophieChotek*

      I feel like I have gotten a few pairs in the past at Ann Taylor/Ann Taylor Loft, Ralph Lauren, or possibly Talbots. But haven’t gone shopping for those for a while.

  78. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    I’m so worried work won’t give me any accommodations for having broken my dominant hand (I can type but not physically write, in a computer heavy job where some writing also happens). Because technically I’m a contractor so no protections.

    But I NEED the money so badly that I worked for two days, totally untreated. God. No idea what to do or how/if to ask for accommodations.

    1. Sorgatani*

      I’m sorry you’re dealing with that.
      Breaking your hand sucks.
      I don’t know how you should ask for accommodations, but I do think you should. At the very least, explain why your handwriting looks terrible or is non-existent.
      The need for occupation and remuneration is important though, and being designated a contractor would make that tough.
      I want to think your workplace is reasonable. If they are reasonable, I do not expect them to advise “teaspoon of cement, and harden up”.
      Best of luck, and I would like to hear updates.

      1. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

        Work said they can deal with it! I can write anything I might need as emails to myself on their server, since that is secure.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Is there a specialty keyboard available?
      I have no familiarity but what about a dragon?

    3. DeadQuoteOlympics*

      This may or may not solve your problem, but could voice to text software work in some contexts? It depends on where you have to substitute writing for typing, but if I was taking notes in the field or away from my computer and couldn’t use paper notes, I would just talk into my phone. Voice recognition is now so good that it’s better than most people’s phone keybaord skills. If it has to be “handwritten” or speech to text is too disruptive, could you ask for an iPad with notetaking software and use your finger instead of holding a pen or stylus?

      1. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

        Speech to text is a security concern- I’m a lawyer in an open office, you know?

        1. Ktelzbeth*

          Dragon is used in the medical community, so the program itself has to have decent privacy built in. I’m not sure how the open office applies to privacy in the lawyer world. I know in medicine we often have to dictate in front of other doctors and sometimes other personel, but don’t do it in front of patients.

  79. MsChanandlerBong*

    I have never been more thankful to be a renter than I am right now. First the fridge died. Then the oven went haywire. This week, it’s the furnace. It’s not totally broken, but something isn’t right. When you turn up the thermostat, you hear a click. Then you hear the “whoosh” of the flame starting up, and then the fan kicks on and starts blowing air. But, what’s happening is that the flame goes out after a minute or two and the fan keeps going, so it’s blowing cold air instead of warm. We have to turn off the heat and let it sit for about 30 minutes and hen try again. Does anybody know what might be causing it?

    The repairman is coming Tuesday, and it’s 60 degrees today, so we’re not freezing to death or anything. I’m just curious as to whether it sounds like a big problem or little problem. In any case, I don’t have to pay for the repair, so I am happy.

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      You are so lucky your landlord cares! :)

      I was planning to buy a home in 2017 anyway, but this second winter in my apartment I am so done with renting. The owner simply does not care that the thermostat (which he has a lockbox over as he pays heat) may be set on 70 but the temp is not getting above 55. Now granted it is a lot colder than that outside, but it still makes it chilly.

      Glad you have a good landlord and that you have a repairman coming!

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I certainly am lucky. I moved here in 2015, but for the five years before that, I rented from a landlord who didn’t care that we had mold in the bathroom (he didn’t want to install a fan to remove moisture, so he told me to shower with the window open…in the winter, when it was -3 outside and the window was frozen shut) or a cracked sewer pipe leaking raw sewage into the basement. I feel like this landlord is my reward for those five years of hell.

      2. SophieChotek*

        I can’t imagine having a lockbox over my heat. I mean, I guess in theory, I get it if he pays, but geesh! Then it seems like it would be better to say “I’ll pay X amount; anything more, renters pay.”….Wow…

    2. Not So NewReader*

      It’s probably a little problem. I am thinking a clogged nozzle. The fuel can’t get through the nozzle because of a clog and that is why it does not ignite. You have fire, the furnace is lighting but the fuel is not coming into keep it lit.

      Here this is about $90 and maybe a 30 minute fix. Having nozzle clog up happens often. For any number of reasons little particles of crap get mixed into the fuel. (it happens.) Typically when a furnace is serviced annually, the nozzle get changed which helps to reduce this problem.

    4. Grits McGee*

      This is late but hopefully still helpful- we had a similar issue with our furnace and it ended up being an issue with the gas supply. I know that they were afraid it was a problem with low pressure in the gas line itself, but I can’t remember if it ended up being less dramatic. (We were also thankfully renting, so it got taken care of without our involvement.)

  80. Jenbeltz*

    Does anyone have any recommendations for a website like Ask A Manager but for grad school? I’m applying to MPH program this year and I’m a little lost on how to begin.

    1. PseudoMona*

      The Chronicle of Higher Education website has a Forums page with an entire thread dedicated grad school.

    2. Ultraviolet*

      I don’t know much about MPH, but I recommend trying to find MPH-specific websites rather than generic grad school ones. Otherwise you can end up with some advice that’s not at all appropriate for your field. Expectations about entrance requirements, financial aid, and how your time will be spent vary a lot from discipline to discipline.

      As far as just how to begin, have you looked at websites for a bunch of schools you might want to apply to? Some department websites are pretty spare, but you’ll probably be able to find a few (eventually) with a lot of helpful information, and after reading a few of those you’ll get a feel for things. Another good source is blogs, but of course you have to remember you’re just getting one person’s perspective. For that reason it’s probably best to look at a lot of blogs rather than diving all the way down the rabbit hole in just one or two.

      I think there are several people who read this website who might have good info for you–maybe next week you can ask about this again on the Friday open thread? (The Friday open thread is for work- and school-related conversation, so more people will see it there. This question is actually off-topic for the weekend thread, which is for non-school and non-work discussion.)

  81. Stressed Out*

    This week has been a shitshow.

    DH and I have been communicating poorly – we can’t seem to talk about anything critical except by text. His depression has been worsening. Monday there were very hard words between us and we were on the verge of taking a break. Wednesday evening while I was at yoga, he started texting me suicidal comments. I got his sister on the phone with him until I could get home, and I took him to the hospital. It took 15 hours for them to arrange a bed for him. Friday his Mom went to visit him and crossed paths with one of DH’s friends, and Mom told Friend to butt out and this was a Family Time Only (WTF?!). DH rightfully blew up at Mom and told her to get out. I visited on Saturday and he ended up kicking me out, too, when I refused to engage in his picking apart of, or taking “appropriate” blame for, a minor misunderstanding earlier in the week. We’re supposed to have a joint therapy session on Monday and I don’t even know what to expect.

    1. Colette*

      That sucks. I have a friend whose spouse has a mental illness, and I’ve seen how stressful it is on her (and it’s horrible for him, of course). Take care of yourself.

    2. Sibley*

      I hope you’re aware of Captain Awkward’s blog. I’m fairly sure she’s had a post about being in a relationship with someone with mental illness issues. Might be helpful, might not be. But in general, good advice on that page.

      1. Stressed Out*

        Thanks. I’ve actually been working my way backward through her archives the past few weeks.

        On a happier note, DH just called “just to say I’ve been thinking about you” and ended the call with “I love you.”

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I hope your husband can get what he needs.

      One thing I’ll bring up is that when my brother went through something similar a few years ago, no one besides my mom was respecting the hospital’s “two people at a time” rule. There are friends and family members who still resent my mom for keeping them away from my brother during that time. It was the hospital’s rule, and unfortunately it’s often a parent who’s stuck policing it. In this instance, don’t take sides and don’t take the friend’s word for it…my brother’s friends tell similar stories even though my mom was just trying to follow the rules. Find out if something like this was in play.

    2. Audiophile*

      I’m watching right now. I was hoping to see an early win for Moonlight, but alas it didn’t happen.
      I’m torn between Casey Affleck and Joel Edgerton for Actor in a Motion Picture -Drama. I’d like to see Ruth Negga win for Loving. I’m torn for Supporting Actress between Michelle Williams and Viola Davis.

      I think Gosling and Stone will win in their categories and ultimately I think the film will take the best picture award in its category.

    3. all aboard the anon train*

      I’m really just hoping Riz Ahmed wins for The Night Of, even though he probably won’t. But I adore him and want him to win all the awards.

      Honestly, I expect La La Land to win most of the awards it was nominated for, and I’d rather have them win at the GG than the Oscars. The comedy category was pretty weak this year, but I’ll be super annoyed if La La Land wins at the Oscars over superior movies like Lion, Moonlight, Fences, or Loving.

      1. Audiophile*

        I think LaLa Land will do well at the Oscars, but I don’t think it will take Best Picture. I think Chazelle will win Best Director and the last few years, the Academy has not awarded Best Picture and Best Director for the same project. I can’t see them changing course this year. I think Best Picture will likely go to Manchester by the Sea.

        1. all aboard the anon train*

          Actually, Birdman won Best Picture and Director in 2015 and same for The Artist in 2012? 2013? Whenever it came out. So it’s not out of the realm of possibility.

          But I think it will just because Hollywood loves movies about Hollywood, but compared to the other movies this year, I think it’s so weak, both in acting and story. The directing and visuals were great, but the acting and writing don’t even come close to the other movies on the award circuit. I don’t even think it’s the normal problem of a comedy being lumped in with a drama since there’s been enough comedies in the past few years that have held their own against dramas.

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