weekend free-for-all – February 3-4, 2018

by Alison Green on February 3, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week:  The Power, by Naomi Alderman. This is SO GOOD. This is what happens when teenage girls everywhere suddenly discover that their bodies can produce lethal electric shocks — instantly shifting the balance of power in the world.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Aurora Leigh*

    What are your best road trip tips?

    Boyfriend and I are planning an epic road trip for mid April! We’ll be traveling through Arkansas, Texas, New Mexico, Colorado, and Nebraska (also Illinois and Missouri, but those are our home turf lol). We’re going to camp along the way. Some for sure stops are Crater of Diamonds in Arkansas and Dinosaur Valley State Park in Texas, Rosewell NM, Colorado Springs and the Ohmaha Zoo.t

    We have 11 days – the longest vacation I’ve ever had as an adult. Its going to be awesome!

    I’d love any tips you all have to offer!

    1. nep*

      Wow that sounds fantastic.
      A few things that come to mind:
      Enjoy silence and scenery. (No need to displace the silence at all times.)
      Lots of anti-bacterial wipes / wet wipes.
      Take advantage of pit stops to get in some stretching and a few squats, good-mornings or other hip/glute exercises — good when you’re doing so much sitting. (I like to travel w a kettlebell in the car for some swings.)
      Large plastic bags or sheets in case you need to place rain gear on floor or seat to air out.
      Happy for you. Have a great time.

    2. Wrench Turner*

      If you can afford it, rent a car, preferably a minivan like the Dodge Caravan (we have one) with fold flat seating. Plenty of room for your stuff, if you don’t feel like camping in a tent or finding a hotel you can sleep fully stretched out in the back. I do this all the time on real long trips. Newer ones also get pretty great gas mileage.
      Best part? You’re not putting breakdown or crash risk on YOUR car. If something happens, call the rental company and they bring you a new one.

        1. Wrench Turner*

          Just truck rest stops on the highway! We threw a futon in the back and pulled over wherever. Never bothered by anyone.

        2. here goes*

          Essentially wherever you want, in my experience. Some Walmarts let you park (but not all), campgrounds, rest areas, pullovers over the ocean… I’ve done this in a few countries, and I’m certainly not the only one.

    3. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Make sure you have some CDs or something if you like to listen to music when you drive. In some parts of the country you can’t get radio reception, and sometimes not even cell reception, in isolated areas. This has definitely happened to me in the Southwest, although I don’t remember exactly where so you may not hit those places.

      Also, try to plan out not only where you’re going to stay but also backup places to stay if you run into traffic and can’t make it to where you were originally planning to stay. We’ve always used AAA guidebooks for this, so you might want to look into a membership, although I don’t know how much it costs (my parents have always been members, so if I’ve ever needed anything I’ve gotten it through their membership).

      1. nep*

        Re listening — Maybe download some podcasts or shows you like (Cartalk is a blast to listen to in the car) onto CD or mp3 also.

        1. Reba*

          I love podcasts on a long trip because you can easily take breaks, chat, or rest in silence between episodes.

          1. TardyTardis*

            I love audiobooks, I download them onto my MP3 player and hook it into the car’s stereo system. Frankly, audiobooks keep me awake and aware while driving than music does.

      2. Wrench Turner*

        If you like Dungeons & Dragons, may I recommend The Adventure Zone podcast. Great storytelling, lots of comedy and perfect for road trips.

      3. Namelesscommentator*

        I-70 in Utah gets approximately zero cell reception. Or radio stations.

        Also I-15 in western CA – no cell service and the only radio station I got was a fundamentalist Christian station. Was definitely sorry I didn’t pack roadtrip cds for that.

      4. JamieS*

        I’d recommend downloading songs, podcasts, etc. directly onto your phone or iPod or whatever media device that’s handy. Everything’s in one place, less to lug around, and don’t have to worry about a CD getting scratched or reception.

    4. ampg*

      Oh this will be so fun. Car ride tips:

      It may be worth a Spotify subscription if you don’t have one already. You can download tons of music in advance.

      Bring a pack of baby wipes! You can use them for a quick hand washing, spills, etc etc.

      Don’t forget to stop and see the wacky little sights. If you see a billboard for something, don’t be afraid to alter your plans a bit for some spontaneous sight seeing.

      You must visit Garden of the Gods outside Colorado Springs! Beautiful unique rock formations.

      Enjoy!

      1. FrontRangeOy*

        Red Rocks Open Space too! It’s part of the same geologic formation as Garden of the Gods, but a lot less crowded and has great hikes.

    5. Bullwinkle*

      Sounds like a great trip!

      In my experience, you will end up spending more time in the car than you anticipate, it can help to add some margin to your travel estimates so that you still have plenty of time to do other things and don’t feel stressed. Also I recommend having a couple places where you spend more than one night to get a break from packing/unpacking.

      Not everyone is a Starbucks fan but they reliably have clean bathrooms and Wifi. Bring paper maps, there are definitely parts of those areas that don’t get cell reception, especially in the mountains. Not all campgrounds have showers, public pools can be a good place to get a cheap shower if they are open in April.

      Caprock Canyon state park is a gem in north Texas, it’s like a slice of Utah plunked down in the panhandle. Palo Duro Canyon is also nearby. You can’t really go wrong with New Mexico and Colorado, both very beautiful places.

    6. TL -*

      Natural Bridge Caverns in Texas sounds like it might be right up your ally! I think there’s a dinosaur place around there too.

      1. Kj*

        I’ll second this! That place is awesome! Also Palo Duro Canyon is great- they have a show during some month that is performed in the canyon about Texas history. It is a neat spectacle

        1. Parenthetically*

          Palo Duro Canyon is INCREDIBLE. We randomly found it because it was between our first stop with friends in OK and our first “destination” in NM, and it was honestly one of my favorite spots on our whole trip. So quiet and peaceful.

      2. Paula, with Two Kids*

        That’s a great spot, but would add 7 hours round trip to their journey (just want to point it out, it’s much further south than Glen Rose).

    7. Lynn*

      Pack a cooler with lots of snacks – including healthy snacks. There will be places on that loop where there aren’t good places to stop and eat, and if there were, days of fast food aren’t going to make you feel great when just sitting and driving.

      Pad your driving times for the day. You’ll need breaks. You’ll drive by last minute things you want to stop at. You’ll have car trouble. Add time, especially if you’re making reservations anywhere.

      1. kas*

        Agree with your food comment, I was going to comment saying the same thing. One of the worst stomach pains I’ve ever felt (besides cramps) was due to eating too much fast food on a road trip. I was young and my parents packed snacks but I ate the same thing from the same fast food spot every time we stopped. I was dying to get out of the car and it was a 15 hour drive. Most uncomfortable trip ever.

    8. Ms. Gullible*

      It can still get real cold in April in Nebraska and sometimes snow. If you plan on camping here, bring plenty to warm you both.

    9. Fiennes*

      Audiobooks are great for long trips, particularly interesting ones that spark conversations. My last road trip with my partner, we listened to the new biography of Leonardo da Vinci and could’ve talked about nothing else—so fascinating.

      1. Not Australian*

        We’re working our way through the Margery Allingham ‘Campion’ novels as read by Philip Franks; we were a bit late to the party and had to get most of them on e-Bay but they’re perfect for long journeys. May be a specifically British taste, though.

      1. Not That Anne, The Other Anne*

        Definitely Carhenge. Is it campy and a little ridiculous? Yes, yes it is. Embrace the campy.

    11. Reba*

      Carry more food and water than you think you’ll need. If you see a grocery store, go there before going to your campground (or you could do what we did, arrive, set up camp, learn that nearest food was 50 miles away).

      Carry AAA (or a roadside assistance service provided by insurance, or similar) and consider upgrading it to a level that will do a very long towing distance. Practice changing a tire if you haven’t done it in a while. Paper maps.

      I recommend Mesa Verde in Colorado, if you’re going that far West! There are several other cliff dwelling sites in the region, including some on Native lands that can be visited, in the region. They are so fascinating.

      When in Nebraska, make sure to go to the state capitol building! A really surprising and lovely piece of civic architecture.

      If you are camping (or even if not), look into the list of Dark Sky parks and see if you can be in or near them. (Obviously there are also plenty of remote, dark places that are not designated dark sky parks.) There are really no words for a truly dark night in high, arid place.

    12. Who Let the Dogs Out*

      1 1/2 years ago we drove a loop from St. Louis > KC > Denver > Utah (stopped in Moab, UT to hike and see the arches) > Idaho (stopped at Niagara Falls of the west) > Oregon > Seattle (Space Needle, Chihuly Museum, etc) > Olympia (stopped to see the giant red wagon in Riverfront Park; drove through Mt. Rainier National Park to get to Olympia) > Idaho > Montana > Wyoming > Yellowstone to see Old Faithful > South Dakota (Belle Fourch to see the Center of the Nation monument; Deadwood; Black Hills (Mt. Rushmore & Crazy Horse Memorial); Wall Drug Store, Corn Palace > KC > St. Louis. We had planned to see Devils Tower and the Pony Express Museum, but the timing didn’t work out for us.

      1 year ago we drove St. Louis > Kansas City > Kansas > Oklahoma > Texas > New Mexico > Arizona (stood on the corner in Winslow) > Santa Cruz, California > Henry Cowell Redwoods State Park (unfortunately the Big Foot store/museum (?) was closed) > Highway 1 to Carmel, Big Sur > Arizona > Grand Canyon South Rim > Texas > Oklahoma > Kansas > Kansas City > St. Louis. We wanted to see 4 Corners, but the timing didn’t work out.

      (I’m from St. Louis and my friend is in KC).

      1. Who Let the Dogs Out*

        Oops – didn’t notice you asked for tips. I thought you were looking for recommendations of fun road trips. Your trip sounds great!

    13. LNLN*

      Check out Jane and Michael Stern’s Roadfood books and website. They write about local restaurants that serve regional food. When my husband and I drove around the United States 28 years ago (looking for a place to live), a friend gave us their book and we had a lot of fun locating the restaurants and eating food we might not otherwise have eaten.

    14. Aluminosilicate*

      I highly recommend Chaco Canyonin NM, if you can fit it in. And for all New Mexico locales, bring lots of water, and wear sun screen. Wear sun screen in the car. Also a hat. A lot of the state is high altitude as well as sunny desert. Maybe take along some aloe wipes.

      1. Basia, also a Fed*

        Yes, definitively camp at Chaco Canyon. We’ve camped all over the country and setting up our text amongst the Anasazi ruins was one of the most amazing experiences I’ve had.

    15. PM-NYC*

      For road trips, I love looking at the Atlas Obscura website to find any funky roadside attractions, haunted places, weird museums, unusual natural phenomenon, etc. You can search by state and then see if any of them sound cool and are on your route. It can often work well to build a small, fun roadside thing into a normal stop for stretching your legs in the middle of a long driving day.

    16. Tea, please*

      Leave time for spontaneity. On recent road trips when we were driving to get to events, so I hadn’t done any research on what was along the road. If we saw signs for something we were interested in and had time, we would stop. Those random stops are some of my favorite memories.

    17. Connie-Lynne*

      On your way to or from Roswell, consider day stops at the Smokey Bear birthplace or the Very Large Array!

      1. Puzzld*

        Friends do a road trip each summer. 2 rules. No interstates, and stop at any antique stores in any small towns they drive thru. Always wanted to do that.

      1. The Curator*

        Snark, I am going to be in Denver next week. What shouldn’t I miss. Will be at Tattered Cover for sure.

        1. Sarah G*

          The history and science museums are both great. Liks ice cream! If you have time to hit up Rocky Mtn Nat’l Park, it’s really incredible, much more beautiful than anywhere else I’ve been nearby. Love the Train Cars cafe in Nederland which is also on a beautiful route to the Nat’l Park.

    19. Mephyle*

      Six years ago, I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to do a road trip that started in Nebraska and continued eastward. I have two specific suggestions for sites to visit in Lincoln, if your trip happens to take you through there, and if Art Deco and/or quilting float your boat: a tour of the state capitol (takes about half an hour), and the International Quilt Study Center & Museum (also well worth taking the volunteer-guided tour), respectively.
      Also seconding Tea, please’s suggestion of leaving time for spontaneous things you find along the way. That was, for example, how we discovered the tiny Pony Express Station Museum in Gothenburg, NE.

    20. Sarah G*

      If you will be anywhere near Mesa Verde Nat’l Park in CO, it is incredible. Much moreso than you could possibly imagine. Also, White Sands National Monument is NM is pretty amazing.

      1. Full Speed Ahead*

        Mesa Verde is amazing and you can do a really awesome ranger-guided tour of a cliff dwelling, for a whopping $5! As long as you are ok with crawling through an enclosed space and up a few ladders, it really is a once in a lifetime experience. We were there this summer and if I remember correctly you can sign up a day in advance, though we did ours the day of. However, we had to wait about 4 hours until our tour, so we ended up going out for lunch and heading to 4 Corners during our break.

        Note that is is an hour drive from the entrance of the park down to the cliff dwellings. But it is a spectacular drive!

        Also – on this trip we went to Moab and stopped at Hole in Rock on the way, which is also quite amazing in a quite different way. It’s a house blasted and carved out of a cliff, and full of the original owner’s things. Such as her doll collection and his amateur taxidermy. Quirky America at it’s best. Have fun!

      2. Not a Morning Person*

        Agree! Mesa Verde and White Sands are amazing. White Sands is pretty far south in New Mexico and it’s at least a day’s travel from there to Mesa Verde. And in southern Colorado, Sand Dunes National Monument is incredible. I would not have believed it if I hadn’t seen it.

    21. Parenthetically*

      WATER. Take SO MUCH WATER. We have a five-gallon water carrier that we keep in the car and when we were in New Mexico and Arizona last year we were SO grateful for it. We couldn’t get enough to drink and our two one-liter water bottles did not last us between stops.

      Definitely do the Enchanted Circle in New Mexico if you can. Stunning scenery — and go down the canyon roads as well. There are great, beautiful state park campsites there, just double-check to see if they’re open that time of year. And speaking of that, it will be really, really cold overnight in the mountains in NM and CO. Make sure you’re prepared with shoes, cold-weather camping gear, and clothes.

      Just my opinion, but that sounds like a LOT to do in 11 days. We’ve done two huge road trips (we live… east of Illinois and went as far as the Grand Canyon last year, and as far as Idaho the year before) and it’s really draining to get up in the morning, pack up, get in the car, and drive for another four or six or eight hours every single day. Give yourself time to slow down and enjoy things, maybe spend two nights in the same campsite.

      Have so much fun!!

    22. Diamond*

      The hubby and I love audiobooks and downloaded TED talks for driving trips!
      Have snacks and water readily available, and toilet paper just in case!
      I like to sit on a soft blanket or shirt as after hours in the car some seat fabric can irritate my skin.

    24. Anono-me*

      I love my driving shoes for driving long distances. I find it does make a big difference on how my feet and legs feel.

    25. Adele*

      White Sands in New Mexico is amazing. Carlsbad Caverns, too. The whole state is full of wonders. Santa Fe is great for art and culture.

    26. Mephyle*

      IF you’re going through the Nebraska state capitol, and IF quilting and/or Art Deco float your boat, I highly recommend stopping for a tour of the International Quilt Study Center & Museum, and/or the state capitol building, respectively. The state capitol tour is only half an hour, but well worth it. The museum tour is a little longer; it’s delivered by dedicated volunteers, and if either of you have any interest in needlework/folk fabric arts, again, well worthwhile.

    27. Arkansan*

      So glad you are planning to stop at Crater of Diamonds – it’s a fun thing even if you don’t find any diamonds. There are some neat shops (minerals, jewelry, antiques) in the town nearby. If you’re a Clinton fan, Hope (town where he grew up) isn’t far from the Crater. And there’s the Gangster Museum in Hot Springs, with great stuff about Capone and others from the golden age of gangsters.

      +100 to the water recommendations – take more than you think you’ll need, restock when you still have plenty, and drink even when you’re not thirsty. In the desert, you don’t realize how fast you’re drying out.

      Take podcasts/books on CD, snacks (granola, dried fruit, etc.). Pack clothes that layer easily, because your route will have a huge temperature range. In some areas, 911 tracking your location isn’t really a thing, so pay attention to where you are, what county/town you are in or near, what mile markers you’re seeing, what road you’re on. Hopefully you won’t need it, but it helps to have that info.

      Large animals crossing the road have the right-of-way. ;-) Don’t swerve, but stop well back from them. (We had a great view of a Very Large Critter crossing in the Colorado Rockies.)

      Have fun!

      1. Not a Morning Person*

        And in the desert, make sure you have a wide-brimmed hat! It’s much hotter and more tiring than you expect to be out in the hot sun wandering around ruins or even open-air markets and towns.

    28. Pam*

      I took my WiFi hotspot up I-15, and avoided cell dead zones.

      Once you start planning, cut back a bit. You don’t want to fill every minute with sightseeing or driving. Build in downtime. The sights you miss will be there for the next trip.

    29. Not a Morning Person*

      I haven’t read all comments but didn’t see this recommendation in the first several: It may be obvious and you already have this on your list, but bring a cooler for drinks and snacks that are better kept cold/cool. You may like to stop and have a picnic instead of drive thru fast food or truck stop food.
      Splurge occasionally for a dinner in a sit down restaurant that has good reviews and is local to the area where you’re traveling. The southwest has some really great food!
      Stopping at a grocery to stock up or for a restroom break is often just as easy as the truck stop or convenience store and the options are more varied and plentiful.
      If you want to take photos, bring an extra memory card for your phone or camera to store all the pics of great scenery you’ll see or make sure you can upload to your cloud account…when you have service! (On one memorable trip I ran out of memory in three days! And the place was so remote I had good cell service only about two days out of six, so no access to cloud.)

      Have an amazing time!

  2. Language Student*

    How do you take care of your clothes, shoes and bags? I have a tendency to use something to death, and I’m wondering if I should just be buying better quality (much of my wardrobe is from Primark), if I should be alternating what I wear (I’ll wear the same shoes daily until they break) or something else. Thoughts?

    1. London Bookworm*

      It depends on the item. I’m a big fan of having soles added to my shoes my a cobbler and air-drying most of my clothes where possible. If you have leather shoes, those leather furniture wipes can also help keep them looking smart.

      I was always told that if you alternate shoes, they’ll last longer, but I don’t know if it’s true. I do think it’s better for your ankles if you mix it up a bit.

      Bags will often last longer if you don’t store them by hanging, although I never follow this advice.

      1. bluesboy*

        You should definitely alternate wear of leather shoes. You sweat in them, and they will last longer if you give them the chance to dry naturally between wears.

        1. neverjaunty*

          Yes. You can also buy terrycloth inserts for your shoes – they absorb sweat so the leather doesn’t, and you can throw them in the washer.

      2. Reba*

        If you’re looking at leather shoes and bags, some maintenance — regular resoling, cleaning, and conditioning/polishing — can make a huge difference in their lifespan. Sometimes it is shocking what a cobbler can do! I bought shoe cream for most of my shoe wardrobe colors and now do a lot of this at home.

        Unfortunately I do think you kind of have to splash out to buy clothing of lasting quality. And even that is not a guarantee! But look for sturdy fabrics, strong regular stitching, and details of construction like facing and lining for clues as to how something might last.

    2. Temperance*

      I have the same tendency. For me at least, it’s from growing up in a household where I didn’t really have anything extra, and “extra” was seen as waste.

      I can’t speak to the quality of Primark or the clothes that you’re wearing, but I do think the issue with the shoes is that you aren’t giving them a “break”. I do the same thing with pants, too.

    3. JKP*

      If you get 2 pair of the same shoe and alternate days wearing them, you’ll be able to go 3x as long before replacing them. So each pair lasts 3/2 longer.

    4. Ron McDon*

      I usually buy better quality clothes for items that are more ‘classic’ rather than fashion-led (e.g. plain trousers, linen tunics, cardigans, dresses), and cheaper clothes that are more fashion-forward and I probably won’t want to wear next year – last year I bought quite a few work tops for about £15/£20 each from Dorothy Perkins which I wore to death through the spring/summer/autumn. Because they had ‘statement sleeves’ (draped, or ruffled, or flouncy etc) they probably won’t be in fashion this year, so I’ll donate/recycle them.

      Same with boots/shoes; I buy some sandals/boots which are expensive but plain, to last a coupleof years, then buy cheap shoes with sparkles/bows etc to wear for a few months before they fall apart.

      As I’ve got older I tend to buy more of the expensive, better quality clothes, as I get fed up with poor quality stuff not lasting so well.

    5. Fiennes*

      I think shoe quality does matter—a really well-made pair will not only last longer than a cheap one but probably provide greater comfort and protect your foot better. (Manolo blahniks notwithstanding.) A friend of mine says the two things worth splurging on are shoes & mattresses, “because if you’re not in one, you’re in the other.”

      1. Natalie*

        My stepmom’s dad had a similar saying about anything between you and the ground: shoes, mattresses, and car tires.

    6. INTP*

      I think these days you have to get really high up in price to get both quality/durability and style. Mid-priced stuff tends to focus on one or the other, not both. (For example, clothing from Gap might be a little more fashion-forward or less cheap-looking than Old Navy but it won’t last any longer.) Clothing is pretty much designed to be replaced frequently these days even from places much pricier than Primark. If you’re happy with your current wardrobe and it suits your personal/professional needs, I don’t see any reason that you need to change your habits. I often wish I’d just bought fewer items and worn them more frequently so I could justify replacing things more regularly, like when I get tired of my color palette and want to move on to another or the seasons change.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Funny aside, most of my Old Navy clothes last a season if I’m lucky but their workout gear, especially leggings, has lasted me years.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I am tough on clothes. I buy a lot of second hand stuff and I clean through my clothes closet at least once a year.
      I keep two bags near my closet, one is for clothes that can be donated for use as rags and the other bag is to donate for people to wear.

      I have a tough time getting rid of things because of growing up with very, very frugal parents. My base line is I look for holes, rips, broken zippers and other similar wardrobe malfunctions. My distant second choice is to get rid of things that just make me feel awkward, such as it’s too baggy in one are or too tight in another area. Perhaps the garment no longer feels stylish, then I might donate it.

      I think that I am not as careful about clothes as I should be so I endeavor to fix that by trying to go through everything at least once and hopefully twice a year. I also have those bags by the closet so on random days when I spot something that no longer works I can put it in the appropriate bag.

    8. HannahS*

      Clothes: all get washed in cold water and hung to dry (except for socks, underwear, leggings, etc.). Once in a blue moon I’ll spray the underarms of shirts with stain remover to get the deoderant out.
      Shoes: I wear’em till they fall apart. For leather shoes, I wipe them clean and polish them a few times per season (especially in the winter, or if they get particularly dusty in the summer.
      Bags: …I don’t do anything. If they’re cloth I might throw them in the wash every so often.

      1. HannahS*

        Oh, and what I meant to say with that is that my clothes (which are nothing special; Gap, Old Navy, Joe Fresh, thrifted things) last well. I’d say I get a good 4-5 years out of pants, 2-4 from shirts and sweaters, and 3-4+ for shoes and boots that I wear regularly.

        1. HannahS*

          Also, one more thing, mending is the least exciting form of sewing, but really the only one that saves money. Basic hand sewing has given my clothes extra years of wear. With only a sewing needle and thread (cheap!) I have: sewn up split seams, sewed buttons back on, sewn gaping cardigans shut for use as pullovers, sewn lace and ribbons back on clothes, and repaired holes and runs in knitted sweaters. VERY worthwhile.

    9. Gingerblue*

      I bought some soft horsehair brushes (like these–they’ll be near shoe polish and shoe laces in stores) and use them to brush down my shoes after wearing. I also have a stiffer nylon brush (like you might use for scrubbing tiles) which I use to get dirt and pebbles out of the tread. If it’s wetter out, I’ll use a damp cloth to wipe any mud or salt off. The key is to do it as soon as you can. I also bought a set of leather cleaner and conditioner and use them on my leather bag once or twice a year. They also make stain-protecting sprays for shoes (like this) which I’ve used; I don’t really have a sense of whether they’ve made a difference or not. You can get them for different materials like cloth, leather, or suede. When I’m living somewhere where I have the space, I like to keep all this paraphernalia in a plastic bin in a spare bathroom–I can drop the shoes in there when I get home, and come back in later in the evening and brush the shoes off over the tub and do any other cleanup. If the stuff is all in one place, it only takes a minute.

      On clothing, can you do basic mending and maintenance stuff? (Do you have the means to depill a sweater or sew a button back on, that sort of thing?) That can help. Handwashing delicate things and air drying on a rack can also prolong clothing life, though as other people have said, modern clothing is really designed to fall apart relatively fast. I took a quick look at Primark and it does look to me like most of their clothing is going to be short-lived.

      I tend to wear stuff to death once I have it, too. Once I had the money, buying better quality has definitely been worth it, but I also don’t much care about being in sync with fashion, which makes it easier to hang onto stuff for a long time.

    10. super anon*

      I’ve had fast fashion items from Forever 21 and H&M last me 5+ years by washing them in cold water and hanging them to dry. Hang dried clothes can get a bit stiff and less soft, so usually after they are dried I will throw them into the dryer with a wet towel. The steam from the towel drying and the movement of the clothes in the dryer will refluff the fibers, making them softer without risking shrinking the clothing item.

      For shoes I usually alternate pairs and buy shoes that are more expensive but can be repaired more easily. I also will only buy shoes that have removable insoles so I can switch them out if they start getting smelly. Also, you can waterproof leather shoes with beeswax and a bit of heat. This is how Hermes waterproofs the seams on the handles of their bags, and the same idea will work for your shoes.

      For bags, if you’re not using them store them in their dust cover, and stuffed so they hold their shape. Either keep the bag standing up, or lay it on it’s back of it’s a super structured bag. If you have leather bags with heavy hardware (think metal chains) make sure the chains are not touching any of the leather when you store it, otherwise you can end up with dents in the leather, especially if it is a soft leather.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        I’ve gotten a lot more patient about laundry and separating out certain types of fabric for cold wash/air dry. Very few things wear out on me anymore, to the point where most of my castoffs can be donated rather than textile-recycled. But I also have a lot of clothes I don’t wear often at all, so it’s hard to judge if my care keeps them looking good, or just very little wear to begin with.

      2. Talvi*

        I tried waterproofing my leather shoes with beeswax last year, and it works WAY better than those waterproofing sprays they sell. One thing to keep in mind, though, is it will darken the leather of light-coloured shoes. (In my case, it worked out really well because I liked the new, darker shade of brown better and I actually wear the shoes far more often than I did before, but do keep this in mind.)

    11. Tuna Casserole*

      Lean to do your own simple fixes, like replacing buttons or repairing hems. Also, resale shops are great places to get higher quality items for less money.

    12. Elizabeth West*

      Ha, I love Primark. I make cheap clothes last for ages by hanging them to dry. I have a tripod clothes dryer set up in the back bedroom, and after I give them a spin with a fabric softener sheet, I take the things I don’t want to put through a dryer cycle out and hang them up. Lots of folks in the UK don’t have dryers, I realize, so air drying is more common. That’s pretty much what my auntie does—she drapes things around the house and also has a rotary umbrella-style clothes dryer in the garden. Sunlight will fade garments, so I’d hang the dark and colored clothes inside and the light ones outdoors.

      I like Primark for bags; by the time they fall apart, I’m sick of them anyway. I find scarves, bags, and other accessories at markets for very little money. Sometimes you can get good quality for a lot less on gently used items. I do not recommend buying used shoes — not only has someone else sweated in them (eww) but they would have molded to someone else’s feet. Save up and then look for sales instead.

      For shoes, they definitely will last a bit longer if you buy better quality, plus it’s less hard on your feet and back. Cheap shoes break down much faster and it costs more in the long run, as you’re buying them more often. You can get soles replaced if the uppers are in good shape. And yes, you should be alternating them.

    13. FrontRangeOy*

      In the US, I’m a big fan of closeout/end of season stores for getting good deals on clothing and shoes. Some of the the stores that are common in my area are TJ Maxx, Ross, and Burlington Coat Factory. They get the ends of lots shipped in from high end or major retailers at the end of a clothing season and sell at a heavy discount. Pro: Great prices. I got a heavy wool winter coat, normally about $200 USD for $50 and wore it for a decade. When I replaced it this year, it was only because the color and style no longer suited my tastes. The person who buys it at Goodwill will have an excellent coat for at least another decade. Con: Sizes and styles are extremely hit or miss.

      As far as priorities, I put a lot of money into well made trousers
      – I have weird proportions and when I find something that fits, I want it to last
      shoes
      – my j-o-b involves lots of standing/moving on concrete floors
      winter coat
      – I’m just vain enough to want my figure to show even when bundled up
      handbags
      – nothing fights my chronic disorganization better than a decent bag that keeps my stuff together without getting lost in the bottom

      Making things last tip, make friends with a dry cleaner and a seamstress or tailor. Dry-cleaning can reduce wear and tear on the pieces you want to last and clothing that’s tailored to you wears better over time than clothing that wears and rubs.

    14. Phlox*

      Check out the zine Loved Clothes Last, I think the PDF is free online. Good stuff about how to care for lots of different clothing. Microcosm publishing has a decent book on mending but my favorite is Mend It Better by Kristen Roach. Its more on the visible mending side of the spectrum

    15. Safetykats*

      I’m not familiar with Primark, but I checked out the website. At those prices, I think there’s just no way the stuff can be expected to last. If you’re buying something that you think you will want to wear more than a season I would try to go with better quality. There’s no reason to buy new if you can’t afford it. Find a resale shop in a nice part of town, shop out of season, and try eBay. A quality pair of dress shoes should last you several years even if you wear them a lot, as long as you’re not walking miles in them on pavement. A quality pair of boots will last even longer if you get them resoled.

  3. The Curator*

    Very excited about my trip to Japan. I will be in Tokyo for most of the trip. Does anyone have a recommendation for a 2 day trip to hot springs from there and a place to stay?

    What to pack? I will be wearing my usual Eileen Fisher for business attire. Suggestions for packing light would be appreciated. We will be there for almost two weeks.

    Concerned about jet lag. I have three days to adjust before my work appointments begin.

    I also want to go to Kyoto for two days. Am I trying to do too much?

    What shouldn’t I miss in Tokyo.

    I am interested in Children’s Books, Manga, Child Development. Gardens. I love to eat!- sushi, ramen,
    Mr. Curator will be accompanying me. We both love books and printmaking.

    I was told not to take cabs. I have mobility issues and use a crutch. Will the subway system be a problem?

    Thank you.

    1. Wrench Turner*

      We’re planning a Japan trip in November/December. All the manga, the shrines, the street food… I can’t wait!
      Why wouldn’t you want to take cabs?

      1. Justin*

        They are mindbogglingly expensive there, for one.

        Like, I livein NYC and avoid cabs, and Tokyo was like 4 times worse. Nope nope nope.

        That said I wouldn’t know what to say re: mobility.

          1. matcha123*

            If you aren’t going that far, they are fine. But I’ve had 15,000 yen fares before…all within Tokyo.

    2. Savannnah*

      My husband and I went for his work trip a year ago and we loved it! We spent most of our time in Tokyo but we did do a 2 day trip to the base of Mt. Fuji for the hot springs. There are a ton of hotels that have hot springs in them near fuji and that was the best way for us to do the trip with limited time. Picking one just depends on your budget. We took a lot of taxis but maybe you were told not to take them because of traffic or price? They are expensive and the subway system is super easy to navigate, google maps has the platforms and stops color and number coded and signs are in English. If you have mobility issues just move slow and don’t try to keep up with the crowds- also avoid rush hour if possible- the crowds are larger and move faster than anywhere else I’ve been but they are orderly. We didn’t get to Kyoto but it is supposed to be amazing.

      1. The Curator*

        Thank you Savannah,
        I used to live in NYC and take the subways. Curious. Can you recommend where you stayed at the base of Mt. Fuji?

        1. Savannnah*

          It was kaneyamaen hotel- they have a hot spring below the hotel and almost all rooms have a view of Fuji. They also had amazing food and we saw very few western tourists. It was lovely all around.

    3. The fix it up chappie*

      I visited Tokyo a few years ago and had a great time. Fair warning there were a ton of stairs at the railroad and subway stations. Elevators were there but we found them hard to find. The station themselves were extremely easy to navigate though. We only got really confused once and someone noticed we looked very confused and helped us. Enjoy your trip!

    4. HeatherB*

      Definitely go to Kyoto – it is amazing and you have plenty of time! Hiroshima is beautiful as well and the memorial is very nice. Super easy to get on the shinkansen (bullet train) from Tokyo. Be on time for trains. They are never/rarely late. Cabs are easy but if you don’t speak Japanese just have the hotel write down the address of where you are going and take the hotel card with the address to get back. Subway is easy. No tipping which I personally love. Enjoy!!

    5. LAI*

      definitely go to Kyoto. In fact, my advice would be to give yourself more than 2 days if you can. I wad there for 2 days and it wasn’t enough – so many beautiful shrines, parks and historical sites. If I went back, I would spend more time in Kyoto and skip tokyo – I suppose it’s good to go see it once but it’s a big city and I feel like the things to do there are like shopping and just walking around.

      1. AdAgencyChick*

        Agree. Hubs and I did 10 days in Japan 2 years ago (2 days each in Hiroshima and Kyoto, the rest in Tokyo) and if I had it to do over again I’d cut a day from Tokyo and spend more time in Kyoto.

    6. Meh*

      I studied abroad in Japan a few years ago and had a blast. Here are my recommendations (sorry in advance for the long post):
      -I don’t know any hot spring locations near Tokyo off the top of my head, but I’m sure there are plenty.
      -What to pack: Japanese tend to dress more conservatively than Americans, but they won’t mind if you have more tourist-like attire when you’re exploring. Good walking shoes are essential. Having disposable paper tissues are a good idea because some restrooms don’t have toilet paper (rare, but it happens sometimes). Other than that, just the usual tips of packing light for traveling to any other first world nation.
      -Jet Lag: It’s intense. If possible, I’d recommend trying to adjust to Tokyo time as much as you can before leaving by getting up/going to bed an hour earlier (or later, whichever works better) each day as close as you can before leaving. That will at least give you a head start on the jet lag and will make adjusting easier.
      -There’s a lot to see in Kyoto and it may be tough to get in much in only two days, but with the bullet train, it’s only a few hours away so it’s not too hard.
      -Kyoto recommendations: International Manga Museum, Toei Kyoto Studio (movie set and theme park), Gion Corner (an hour-long performance of things like the tea ceremony, bunraku, flower arrangement, etc.), Heian Shrine (or any of the impressive shrines), and Kyoto station, which is an attraction within itself that has the entire top floor dedicated to ramen shops. Osaka, which is near Kyoto has a lot of great things too, but for only two days, I’d stick to Kyoto.
      -Must-do Things to do in Tokyo: Ghibli Museum (a must if you like the movies), Odiaba Island (man-made island across the Rainbow Bridge filled with museums, malls, and a full-sized gundam), Akihabara (the anime street), visiting the theaters (to see things like Kabuki, Takarazuka, etc.), Sanrio Purloland (Hello Kitty theme park), Tokyo Disney Sea (since there is no other park like it), and for more general things try to explore the malls and train stations to check out the interesting shops (they usually have the affordable restaurants where the locals eat).
      -Things near Tokyo: Ramen Museum and Chinatown in Yokohama, Kamakura (where the outdoor Buddha is located), Edo Wonderland in Nikko (Edo-style Japan theme park)
      -Cabs are expensive, but if you have walking problems you may want to keep them in mind because there are a lot of stairs in the subway/train system. Elevators are there, but they are hidden (like The fix it up chappie said). If you want to plan out where you’re going, I recommend visiting the HyperDia website, which lets you put in your beginning train station and ending train station and it’ll give you routes and times. Also have a map handy in case you end up off the beaten track. Get a rail/subway pass if you can, but if not, know you have to pay for your ticket in advance before boarding the train. If you don’t know the cost, buy the cheapest ticket available and pay the difference when you get to your destination.
      That’s the general gist. Sorry for the super-long post, but it was a really great experience and I hope you have a ton of fun on your visit.

      1. Lola*

        Seconding the Ghibli Museum, but make sure to get your tickets ahead of time because you cannot get them there!

      2. The Curator*

        Love the long post. Thank you.
        This didn’t occur to me. I will do this. .” If possible, I’d recommend trying to adjust to Tokyo time as much as you can before leaving by getting up/going to bed an hour earlier (or later, whichever works better) each day as close as you can before leaving. That will at least give you a head start on the jet lag and will make adjusting easier. “

    7. Typhon Worker Bee*

      My favourite place in Tokyo was Meiji Shrine – it’s in a huge park / gardens, so we went there on our first day and got more sunlight than is available in other parts of the city, which helped with the jet lag. The national museum was also excellent (also in a park – my friends who went to the zoo in the same complex said it was great). I thought the fish market itself was overrated, but we did get the best sushi EVER in one of the little stalls next to it. I hate lining up for things, especially food, but the 90 minute wait for this sushi was well and truly worth it.

      We had three days in Kyoto and it wasn’t anywhere near enough.

      Nikko is a fantastic side trip out of Tokyo. The temples and shrines are all in a forest, overshadowed by huge trees, so it has quite a different feel to many of the other temples we visited on that trip (Nikko cured my temple fatigue at the end of the trip!). I can’t remember if they had hot springs – I couldn’t go in any of the public ones because I have a tattoo, so we didn’t seek them out.

      1. Typhon Worker Bee*

        Ooh – Takayama had hot springs. Beautiful little mountain town with a great outdoor museum and well-preserved merchant district. It took about 3 or 4 hours from Tokyo by train. The second half of the journey was a real treat – through mountains, forests, and along a river. Beautiful!

    8. Elkay*

      We did 5 days in Tokyo, 2 in Hakone for views of Fuji and staying in an onsen hotel then 2 days in Kyoto. In Kyoto I’d recommend starting at the silver temple and doing the philosopher’s walk to see some other temples (if your mobility issues allow). The Inari shrine is also nice but involves a lot of walking.

        1. Julia*

          You can actually view Tokyo from above for free if you go to the Metropolitan Government Building in Shinjuku, it’s even open at night. Sky Tree is expensive!

          1. Elkay*

            Oh yeah we did that too, I just really liked the Skytree, possibly because I got deep fried cheese at a restaurant there.

    9. Wendy*

      Ah hot springs. I went to one in Hakone (easy day trip from Tokyo, but worth staying overnight also) called Yunessun, which has novelty springs such as wine, tea, chocolate etc. It’s also one of the few hot springs that is co-ed and where you can wear a swimsuit. It also has the more traditional types of hot springs so you can experience those as well.

      I was neutral on Kyoto, but probably because I’d been to so many castles and shrines by that point. I found Hiroshima really interesting, but – no surprise – quite depressing at times. But from Hiroshima you can take a ferry ride to Miyajima, which is absolutely gorgeous (and full of deer). The food there was /amazing/!

      1. Julia*

        No (more?) chocolate bath in Yunessun, but wine, coffee, tee, champagne and sake, plus a grotto outside. The hot spring area is not co-ed, actually, only the pool area (which doesn’t have an actual pool for swimming, lol). The onsen part is separate and naked.

        Seconding Miyajima, the Itsukushima Shrine is gorgeous!

    10. I should be studying*

      If you like printmaking, you should do a print party (1-hour workshop) at the Mokuhankan woodblock printshop in Asakusa, Tokyo. It’s fun and they also sell some really cool prints, plus Asakusa is great for wandering around in.

      Kyoto is lovely and definitely worth a trip, plus then you can take the shinkansen – be sure to get a bento to eat on the train!

      You definitely want a pocket wi-fi – you can rent one ahead of time and pick it up at the airport when you arrive. It makes getting around so much easier!

      Have fun!

    11. ks*

      When we were there we had the Japan rail pass (which you likely can’t get if you’re there for business). Since the pass covered the (mostly elevated) JR rail lines and not the subway, we used the JR rail to get around instead of the subway. I’m not mobility impaired, but I am not the fittest and we were often hauling pretty large suitcases, and we managed to find escalators at all of those train stations. (It may be a bit of a catch 22 for you though– I distinctly remember needing to walk an extra block or two to get to escalators at points.)

      We were supposed to go visit a hot springs outside of Nagano (next to the snow monkey park!), which was going to be easy enough on trains, but there was a snow storm that stopped the second, smaller mountain train from operating. Instead, we went to a Ryokan near Hakone. (Gora Kadan, if you care. It was wonderful, but was also the single most expensive night I’ve ever spent in a hotel. Worth it on our honeymoon.) It too was totally accessible by train, but it did take three different trains from Tokyo, of increasing smallness. The last one actually switchbacks its way up the mountain.

      1. The Curator*

        We are taking the bullet train to Aomori. Really trying to pack light. hah! Thanks for the recommendation for the Ryokan. I do want to stay overnight at HaKone.

        I wanted to go to the snow monkey park but I am sure that I can’t to the walking.

    12. Mephyle*

      Absolutely don’t miss visiting a Tokyu Hands and/or Loft store. I’d recommend the ones in Shibuya: they’re some of the biggest.
      I just got back from a week and a half in Tokyo. Are you going soon? There’s a super exhibition on at the Museum of Western Art – you might ask why go all the way to Tokyo and look at western art? Because the current exhibit is all about Hokusai (of the Great Wave) and his influence on Western art. It is fabulous. Plenty of labels in English, so you don’t miss too much of the explanations.
      I don’t know why someone would tell you not to use cabs – I’m not aware of any reason why you shouldn’t. There is a lot of stair climbing involved in using the subway/train system. There are some escalators, too, but pretty much every station, even if it has escalators, has at least some parts where you have to use stairs. There are some elevators, too, but since I didn’t use them, I didn’t pay attention to whether they are in all the stations. If you do use public transit, get a local transit card – I have a Suica card, and it works in Kyoto, too.
      Someone mentioned Odaiba: if you go, and if you like dogs, be sure to visit the dog mall in the Palette Town mall. Multiple dog cafés, and people go shopping there with their doggies!
      For manga – not the books, but the characters – don’t miss the Nakano Broadway mall.

    13. Dan*

      I’ve been to Japan three times, and every stop included Tokyo… and I want to go back and spend a few weeks traveling the country.

      Northern Hemisphere climate is the same world wide. In a sense, it’s like asking what the climate in the “US” is like in any given month… it depends on where you are.

      Jet lag is a thing, and affects everybody differently. I don’t buy into the advice that says “adjust before you get there”. I don’t know how that is supposed to work, part of your circadian rhythm involves sunlight, so… I’ve also found that jet lag affects me differently on different trips to the same area. There’s no one “rule”. Sometimes I get whacked hard, and sometimes I barely notice.

      I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone always tries to do too much when they go some where… unless your plan is to sit in your hotel the whole time — which then means you’re not doing enough.

      In Tokyo, I’ve absolutely loved the Shinjuku area, in particular, the Golden Gai and Piss Alley.

      As far as taxis are concerned, yeah, they’re expensive. The abolsute singularly “do not” rule that you should not break is “do not take a cab from Narita Airport to Tokyo city.” This will cost you $300 or so. Within the Tokyo metropolitan prefecture, cabs will still be expensive, but you have to balance that with convenience. The Tokyo subway system is huge, and each station is so large that you need to know which “exit” (they’re numbered) to take for your destination. Also, be very careful, because some stations are so ginormous that transferring lines can require a huge amount of walking. I live in Washington DC and have been to NYC several times, and the expanse of the Tokyo subway puts both to shame. It can be a hinderance for one with mobility issues; I would acknowledge that and plan for the significant expense of cabs when you need them.

      1. Julia*

        Yeah, and at some stations, once you’re through the ticket gates, it’s really hard to go back to where you want. Tokyo Central Station is horrible for this, and always too crowded to stop and look (and under construction). But most stations that only serve one or two lines are easy enough. ins

        To get to the airport and back, you can take the Keisei Skyliner or a limousine bus, depending on where you want to go. Depending on your hotel, a bus might drop you off right in front of it. If you have luggage, it will be REALLY hard to board any trains during rush hour, so try to stay clear of everyone’s commuting times.

    14. wishful thinker*

      I was in Japan for two weeks in October and it is definitely one of my favourite trips ever. Hakone was great, and to get there you can go on all these different forms of transport (train, mountain train, cable car, gondola, boat). If you get off half way on the gondola you can eat a black egg, cooked in volcanic steam which adds 7 years to your life (uhuh….). We stayed in a traditional Japanese Inn called Fukuzumiro which was not super glamorous but our room was almost over a rushing river, easily one of the most relaxing places I have stayed and I would go back tomorrow if I could. They also do a traditional Japanese dinner served in your room. They have three different onsens in the hotel (copper, stone and wood, we tried them all). However, if you stay there I suggest you tell them you need a room on the ground floor, as there wasn’t a lift I don’t think, and the stairs were very steep.

      I agree with everyone else’s comments about Tokyo, however we did find the stations a bit hard to navigate – there is more than one company that runs the underground, so often you change companies within the station which can involve a bit of a hike/some confusion. I walked so much that I got blisters on the soles of my feet (and I walk a lot usually), so anything you can do to limit the changes of line/hotels near stations is probably a good idea. Tokyo Hands and Loft were both excellent, but I also recommend Flying Tiger Store at Shibuya, it’s Scandinavian but full of fun stuff (though, depending on where you live you may already have that store, I’m in NZ where pretty much everything is a novelty). You can then also cross at the famous crossing (the excitement of which escaped me a bit, but while you are there…). We didn’t have a bad meal in Tokyo – at a pinch the 7elevens have rice balls and sushi etc, but department stores all seemed to have amazing food departments. Usually we would just google “best [whatever we felt like] [wherever we were]” and would find something fun. Food was really unstressful, always delicious and the restaurants were clean and felt safe. Honestly, I wouldn’t worry about finding good food.

      If you get a chance, and like art, I highly, highly recommend Naoshima Island. It might be a bit of a trek but it is amazing – really beyond description for me.

      I don’t know if this will interest you, but lots of places in Japan have public stamps – I looked out for them at train stations and attractions and stamped them in my travel diary.

      Have a great trip, I wish I was going back!

      1. The Curator*

        Thank you everyone. I will be there the first two weeks in April. I don’t know the times yet but on Wed, April 4 I will be doing an afternoon workshop at Tokyo Children’s Library
        Thursday, April 5 – afternoon Bridge workshop, Gallery A. Quad. and an evening lecture at Kyobunkan Bookstore on Virginia Lee Burton.

        I will have other meetings on my schedule but am really planning the work/life balance and to have explorations and not all work time.

        1. Julia*

          Since I live in Tokyo, I’d be happy to be of help! (The address of my long-gone blog is in my name if you want to contact me.) Last year’s April was SUPER cold, so bring some warm clothes just in case!

    15. Julia*

      I live in Tokyo and there is MUCH more to see in Kyoto. As in, we didn’t know what to do in Tokyo after the third day when my brother was here. Sure, you can go to Akihabara or the Samura Museum in Kabukicho, but Kyoto has SO much more to see. We were there for a week and did day trips to Nara and Himeji and still didn’t see everything – even though it was my second time there. Kyoto also has nicer gardens.

      Hot springs one night stay could be Hakone or Nikko. I prefer Hakone – go to Yunessun and try out the fun baths and onsen.

      Why shouldn’t you take cabs? They’re pretty cheap. Not all stations have elevators and some can get so crowded a slow person may be pushed around.

      Also, if you’re going now, Japan will still be really cold. We had snow last week, which is super rare in Tokyo, so pack some warm clothes, but layers, because they love to overheat the subway.

      1. Mephyle*

        I beg to differ. While I don’t have anything near your experience of having lived there, I’ve spent about two months cumulative in Tokyo but spread out over half a dozen trips, and I keep finding fascinating new things to visit on every visit. For me, there is way, way more than three day’s worth of sights. Maybe you’ve seen them all and lost track of how long it took to get to know everything the first time. On a nine-day trip, The Curator will barely scratch the surface. Kyoto is special too, and well worth it, but I think maybe there is more in Tokyo than you’re giving it credit for.

        1. Julia*

          I think it depends on what you want to see. For “old” sights, I much prefer Kyoto and Nara. Tokyo does have interesting sights, but if I had to split my limited time, I’d spend more time in Kyoto.

    16. Cristina in England*

      Lifehacker just posted an article about what to always have with you in Japan Hope its helpful!
      lifehacker.com/what-you-should-always-carry-in-japan-1822670049

    17. matcha123*

      When are you going? It’s somewhat cold in Tokyo now and there’s some snow in areas around Tokyo. The main onsen that people go to from the Tokyo area is Hakone? I’ve never been, but I think you could make a weekend of it.
      Are you coming for work? Or fun?
      I would spend more time in Kyoto/Osaka/Nara if I were you. Honestly, Tokyo is kind of meh to me. The Kyoto-Osaka area and further west are more interesting and have deeper culture.
      Kyoto has a famous zen garden, the name escapes me now, and a ton of temples and shrines. The big temple is Kiyomizu-dera. And Kinkakuji is also quite famous. Both spots are filled with tourists.

      Manga…Mandarake has many shops in Tokyo and Nakano Broadway in Tokyo is a building filled with anime and manga. Akihabara is an obvious choice for anime and manga, but Nakano and Ikebukuro also have their manga/anime areas. You can get children’s books at any bookstore: Kinokuniya, Maruzen, small shops, etc.

      Most subways have elevators to the platforms and escalators. However, they might be on the far ends of the train. Moreover, people are VERY pushy. I take the subway for work every morning, and I’ve seen people in wheelchairs and using crutches get shoved around by morning commuters. The JR lines are typically packed with people. The Oedo line has fewer riders, but still quite crowded. You can get day passes for the Tokyo Metro/Toei subway lines. Or, you can get Pasmo or Suica to use on the subways. Be warned, Pasmo/Suica cannot be used in Kyoto/Osaka….or maybe Suica can be used on JR lines in Osaka/Kyoto, only.

      1. The Curator*

        Matcha123

        Mostly work but
        From experience, I know that I need a few days to get over the jet lag, so there will be a few outings in Tokyo that are not work related. The pretty much work from April 2 to the 6. Then some time off. I am thinking that is the time to go to Kyoto. Work during the week with 2 days in the middle in Aomori. Then back to Tokyo and then perhaps an overnight at a hot spring.

    18. fort hiss*

      Not enough food recs in here!!!! I am honestly not a big fan of Tokyo (nothing wrong with it, it’s just too big for me) but a lot of the food is amazing.

      Do you have a favorite manga series? You might be able to find a theme cafe for it! Theme cafes are fun, even if the food often isn’t as good as it looks. Last time I was in Tokyo I went to the Revolutionary Girl Utena cafe, though that’s closed now I believe. That was a rare one where the food was as good as it looked. If you google around, you may find an amazing theme cafe that’s open for a limited time. There’s also lots of fun permanent theme cafes, like Kyary Pamyu Pamyu’s Kawaii Monster Cafe or the Gudetama Cafe.

      If you like karaoke, you’ve got to hit a Pasela while you’re in Tokyo. Go for a couple of hours and order a honey toast. It’s basically a whole loaf of white bread with strategic cuts in the sides, brushed with butter and honey, baked, then filled with ice cream and other toppings. Nobody does hanito better than the Pasela Resorts. It’s tough to find it outside of Tokyo, so I always get it when I’m there.

      If you can get to a ramen restaurant under the Yamagishi Kazuo name, DO IT! You don’t have to go to his flagship store, Taishoken. He was a ramen legend and all of the restaurants with his name attached good. My partner and I stumbled onto one while lost in Ikebukuro station and had the best ramen of our lives. We went back looking for it years later to find it had closed, but there was another shop selling his style of ramen nearby and it was just as good.

      Try a crazy seasonal Starbucks frappucino flavor if you can. The one right now isn’t too wild (chocolate and caramel for Valentine’s Day) but the one previously was matcha, cirtus, and white chocolate. Who knows what the next one will be! The flavors are unique to Japan (China sometimes gets them too) and change every month or so. If you come in spring, there’ll probably be a sakura flavored drink; those are always good!

      Tabehoudai (all you can eat) and nomihoudai (all you can drink) deals can be really fun. A lot of restaurants will have a course you can order with those sort of options for 3500-6000 yen. I don’t know if anyone has warned you, but drinks in Japan are usually around 400-600 yen with no refills. That’s the same for soda, coffee, tea, and liqour. There are no open carry laws in Japan, so you can walk around with a can of beer wherever you want. Do with this knowledge what you will…

      Try the Indian food while you’re in Japan! Few countries have Indian food as good outside of India.

      Check those Google reviews. There’s a lot of intrepid travelers out there documenting the good food you can get. You’re never far from something delicious in the city. Good luck!

      Also, if you like fine dining: while in Kyoto you must, you must, you MUST go to The Sodoh. It’s a fine dining restaurant with two set course options that change every month or so. The fare is a fusion of Italian and Japanese cooking. It’s inside a beautiful walled garden (you can ask for a seat with a view). If you make a reservation, they’ll assign an English-speaking waiter to you. Whoever the head chef is, they’re truly creative. They do lunch or dinner, with lower prices at lunch, but I recommend the normal dinner course. You can eat like royalty for about 6000 yen a person.

      1. The Curator*

        A shoutout of appreciation to the AAM comment section. I love that I get to hear from people who live or have lived in a area that I am visiting.
        Mr. Curator will be doing the sites while I am doing business most days. The food and hot water are the Venn diagram overlap of things we like to do together.

        I AM all about the ramen. He will enjoy all the interesting museums and malls and tech of Tokyo.

        1. Charlie Bradbury's Girlfriend*

          This was super helpful to me, The Curator, so thank you for posting! I’m planning a trip to Japan as well, and these replies are a great jumping off point. Let us know how your trip was when you get back!

  4. I Love Thrawn*

    General Hux (Star Wars) has a cat, Millicent! What’s not to love about that? Ok, it’s not exactly canon, but definitely blowing up the parts of the Interwebz that care about SW. And cats. AND she’s an orange cat. Of course. If anyone needs to de-stress, it’s definitely G. Hux.

      1. Gen*

        I think it was Pablo Hidalgo (one of the showrunners for Star Wars) that made a joke about it on twitter last year and the fandom kind of ran with it. A lot. Hahah

  5. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

    So I have zero…mental stamina, I guess you could call it? I think but am not sure that this might be an ADHD thing. I’m hoping to improve it, but I don’t know how.

    By this, I mean that I get burned out incredibly easily. Always have. As a kid, I’d get burned out by school by the second week (and it wasn’t because it was hard), I just found sticking to the schedule exhausting in a way that it wasn’t for others–everyone always assured me I’d “settle in” to the schedule eventually, and that has NEVER HAPPENED, not at school, not at work, not with fun hobbies/classes, not anywhere. I even find it exhausting to stick to to-do lists, which a lot of people with ADHD seem to swear by but which wind up frustrating more than helping me most of the time.

    Same with chores and even doing fun stuff like going to museums–it takes so much mental energy that I can’t do very much. And then once I get burned out, it takes aaaaaaaaaaaaages to get back to normal, and then within a week I’m burned out from something again. I just feel like I’m never really at my best, and I hate it.

    I know the basic “get enough sleep, eat healthy” burnout advice, but this doesn’t seem to be enough for me. Has anyone found anything more substantial that’s either made them more resilient/less prone to burnout or that improves their burnout recovery time?

    1. Wrench Turner*

      You need to seek professional help. There may be greater issues in nutrition or mental health/chemical imbalance that just adjustments in diet/exercise or change of habits won’t fix. Talk to your doctor and see what they recommend.

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Done that to a certain extent. My doctor found a couple of vitamin deficiencies, and I take supplements for those almost every day (should be every day, but I forget/am too busy sometimes). They help me feel physically better, but they don’t really address the mental exhaustion, the “Ugh, I can’t face that even though I’m physically fine” element.

          1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

            Not recently. I’ve had bad luck with counselors (assuming you mean psychiatrists/psychologists) in the past, and while I know it can take a long time to find a good one, I’m in grad school and planning to move in under a year, so I don’t really have it in me to look for one at the moment.

            1. Anon Pixie*

              It might be worth checking out the kinds of therapy available over the phone/via texting/online, because those would not necessarily be location or even schedule dependent.

            2. TL -*

              I meant a good old fashioned talk counselor (generally a masters) who can sit down for therapy sessions and talk about strategies for managing life.
              If you’re in grad school, you might have access to a referral service, like an EAP, that can do the hard work for you. But either way, that would be my advice – find some new strategies for approaching life with a professional.

              1. Stephanie*

                Seconding this. Your university should have some on-campus counseling services. LCSW/MCSWs usually just do straight talk therapy, which can be helpful if you just need to talk through issues (not knocking medication if you do need that).

            4. Yetanotherjennifer*

              I agree a counselor would be a good idea. And I like the idea of at least finding a remote one now vs waiting for your life to settle. If you had someone you could text about how you’re feeling in the moment and what you’re facing, they could help you see patterns and help you find solutions. You could even do so yourself by emailing or texting yourself and looking at the whole thread periodically.

              I also encourage you to explore the resources your school offers now, while you’re in school. I expect a counselor/coach with experience in what you struggle with would be easier to find in a university setting. There may also be clubs or support groups on campus that are for students only. The more you can learn now about what is a problem and what helps, the better you can structure your job and career choices to suit your needs.

        2. oldbiddy*

          Did they check your thyroid? I’m hypothyroid and when my meds are a bit too low I notice it as much mentally as physically.

        3. Nicole*

          I have found a reminder app invaluable for remembering to take my supplements and medications, as well as anything else I need to do. I would forgot more often than not if I didn’t. I get easily overwhelmed and exhausted by things too, so I can relate. There’s always way more on my to do list than I can realistically handle but I just reschedule in the app anything that isn’t urgent and go from there.

    2. anaonao*

      I don’t know about ADHD but I know about severe depression and what you describe sounds like what my depression felt to me. The thing that helped me was therapy, intense, like a couple times a week.

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        I’ve had depression in the past, but it’s not the issue here–I’ve had this issue with burnout since long before I became depressed, and I wouldn’t say I’m depressed right now.

        1. anaonao*

          Fair enough. Exploring the why of this feeling you describe above “Ugh, I can’t face that even though I’m physically fine” may lead to some clues. In my case, that feeling was related to childhood family issues I had not dealt with, that on the surface was totally unrelated to anything currently happening in my life in its present form.

        2. The RO-Cat*

          Well, there’s at least one research (“Comparative symptomatology of burnout and depression” by Bianchi et al., on US National Library of Medicine, National Institutes of Health’s website) that states that “Our findings do not support the view hypothesizing that burnout and depression are separate entities and question the nosological added value of the burnout construct”. That is, maybe you just haven’t stumbled upon the right resource as yet; if so, when it happens you could cook two rabbits with one match.

          1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

            Huh, interesting. I’m not sure I’d agree with that because my depression and my burnout have always felt VERY different, but I’ll look into that.

    3. LilySparrow*

      Yes! I am diagnosed with ADHD, but I think this might be separate or a subset. Lots of people I know with ADHD have more stamina than I do.

      What helps stave off bad crashes for me are permission, short intervals, and protected downtime.

      1) Permission: Recognizing that there is no right or wrong way of being, and that long-term goals for me are about resilience, not pushing through. I give myself permission to be “done” when I feel like I need to stop.

      2) Intervals: whenever I can, I break my tasks, days, projects, etc into intervals so I can alternate between output and input, or between stillness and movement, between concentration and rote work, etc.
      3) Protected downtime: I know how much of X I can do in a regular week, and refuse the rest or build in recovery time afterward. Right now, for example, I work from home. In a week, I have 2 mornings where I go out to a faith group, 1 morning to go to an office, 1 afternoon driving kids to activities and 1 session of grocery shopping/errands.

      That’s it. If I try to go anywhere else or add meetings, doctor appointments, etc, then there’s a good chance I’ll need a Saturday in bed.

      If I have a busy season like the holidays, I will probably need 1-2 days per week that I went “over the limit”. So I try to keep that in mind and build that recouperation time into my plans.

      And if I forget and crash, I think back on what I was doing and go back to permission. “Oh, right, I’ve been pushing hard for a month and a half, that’s why I’ve flopped over. Okay, I can expect to need the rest of this week on minimal life-support, and start getting back to normal on Monday.”

      Are you familiar with the Spoon Theory? It was originally about chronic invisible illness, and it’s a bit cheeky to co-opt it for other applications. But it’s such a fantastic metaphor, and there really is such a thing as mental spoons.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Oh, and I have found that the “ugh I can’t even” versus “hey, no big deal I can do that” feelings (aka self-efficacy) are strongly related to my dopamine levels.
        For me, the ADHD meds made a huge difference, because I was not depressed. When everything that’s easy for other people seems terribly hard, that can be one symptom of depression. But there are others, and if you don’t have any other symptoms of depression there’s a good chance something else is going on.
        As a matter of fact, there are lots of natural non-drug ways to increase your dopamine that are also good for you in general, so that’s certainly something safe and worth trying at home. Getting mild exercise in natural light and greenspace is a good one, for example. Doing very small tasks that have a visible result, or anything that has a built-in sense of satisfaction and reward (like giving yourself a gold star for taking your vitamins) is another. They sound kind of silly, but they work.

      2. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Oh, man, I struggle so much with the permission element. I’m very hard on myself when I don’t get “enough” done, and then when I do get “enough” done, I get mad at myself for not doing more than that. I know there’s no way to win there, but I can’t seem to break myself of the mindset, either, and it probably makes the burnout worse because I either keep going long past when I should or I just sit around feeling burned out and angry that I’m burned out, and being angry takes energy too.

        I’m familiar with the spoon theory, but it doesn’t really speak to me because there’s so much variety in what I can do sometimes. Like sometimes grocery shopping is one spoon, sometimes it’s five, and it’s really hard for me to predict when it’s going to be what.

        1. LilySparrow*

          There’s a very gung-ho mindset in our culture, usually connected to career/education/life purpose, that says if you haven’t “pushed to failure” or “left it all on the floor” you can’t succeed or make progress.

          This is bullshit.

          It’s a way of describing athletic training, and even in that context it’s not absolute or literal. Athletes who push their bodies literally to the breaking point get career-ending injuries.

          The difference between Amundsen (first party to the South Pole) and Scott (buried at the South Pole) is that Scott focused on getting to the pole, and Amundsen focused on getting everyone safely back.

      3. Betsy*

        I don’t have an ADHD diagnosis, but I do have anxiety. I really feel you on the burnout and Lily’s suggestions are things that I also find very helpful.

        I realise I can push myself and often do, to work very long hours, but there are some days I can’t and don’t want to get out of bed. I’ve had come to peace with being the kind of person who can’t write six books and run a marathon and have seven beautifully behaved and well-presented children while working as a high-powered lawyer.

        When I’m having a difficult day I just make myself do between one or three things, depending on how I’m feeling. If it’s a really bad day, one thing could just be to have a shower.

        I also divide tasks into small increments, like mentioned above, and tackle whatever I can handle first, even if it’s just something like checking emails. The worse the day, the smaller the task. The first task could just be ‘open Word document’.

        At the moment, I’m working on really protecting my downtime outside work, so at least I can do my job effectively. I’m trying to make sure I have plenty of free time. I almost have to make myself watch TV, but it’s working and I’m much happier.

        Obviously, I’d love to (and feel pressure to) be able to do more. I’d like to do some exercise (which I haven’t been doing lately) but I know, being me, that I will just have to start off with a couple of yoga classes a week or similar, because being the type that does burnout easily, it will be much easier to stick to this. If I go to the gym every morning, I’ll last three weeks at most and resent every bit of it, because I’ve tried this recently.

        Another thing is, I feel like other people often overstate how much they do. Sure some people do have heaps of energy and run marathons (but they’re fairly rare). But there are plenty of people who like a weekend in watching DVDs and couldn’t be bothered to go to the museum. I do think full-time work wipes most people out, and being a grad student is probably pretty tough too. I know some people who go out and socialise all the time after work and others who just want to curl up on the sofa with the dog. I guess I also just need to remind myself that option two is equally valid.

        Since you’re in grad school, check whether your expectations of yourself are really realistic. Having been to grad school, I think it’s just a brag fest where everyone tries to pretend to be the world’s most productive (and implicitly best and smartest) human. So if they’re like, ‘I worked on this paper for sixteen hours straight and then went extreme off road cycling in a canyon for 100 miles’, take that with a grain of salt.

    4. anonagain*

      When you’re up for finding a professional, ADHD coach maybe? I work with one and I find it so much more helpful than therapy. My coach has ADHD herself and has suggestions that other people wouldn’t think of. It’s more concrete and constructive for me.

      For online resources, have you seen the How to ADHD youtube channel? I also like some of the resources on adult ADHD on Additude Magazine’s website, but separating the wheat from the chaff takes some work. (Also it can be a time sink, so there’s that.)

      ADHD meds help me. I also spend time alone every day no matter what.

      It helps me to recognize that there are lots of things that other people find easy that I just…don’t. So I have to make those things easy for myself.

      For example, getting my materials together for an activity is hard for me, so when I was a student I had a bin for each class with everything I needed to study for it. Every bin had my notes, graded work, etc., but also pens, notepaper, index cards, etc.

      Sure I had duplicates of lots of things, which irks lots of people, but getting those materials is a real energy cost for me. Even having a pencil case that I need to track down is hard for me. So I don’t beat myself up about it anymore. I just fix the problem.

      If I have to make a phone call to schedule something, I do that when I have a little time to take a break after. I also just do fewer things than most people. I have help cleaning every other week. I buy microwavable food and order delivery. I have nutrition shakes for days where I’m too tired for that.

      Still, I have only found things that help and no real answers.

      It’s hard. I’m sorry you’re struggling. I hope you find some things that help.

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Yeah, I took ADHD medicine in the US, but I’ve had so much trouble with the NHS (they literally brought me to tears earlier this week) that I haven’t been able to face trying to schedule appointments just for ADHD meds because I don’t need them as much for school right now, more for general life.

        I’ll take a look at Additude and the YouTube channel, thanks.

          1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

            So I’ve heard. They are also really, really rude and condescending. Which does make sense if they’re stressed out, but tbh I’m at the point now where I don’t want to go anywhere near them until I leave and am just hoping I don’t get sick/injured because interacting with them makes me so miserable.

    5. D.A.R.N.*

      I have no advice because I’m currently working through the same thing (and terrified I won’t be able to ever hold down a job as a result), but I wanted to give you an e-hug- in solidarity.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      You know, if we have a toxic job or a toxic relationship of any type all the rest and good foods in the world are not going to prevent fatigue/burnout/etc.

      Do you know the source of your burnout? It sound like it is right near you because you say it takes ages to get back to normal and one week later it’s gone again. Look around, is there something pulling you down on a daily basis? This could be anything from toxic people, to bad ventilation at work to mold around the house.
      Do you think you might have allergies? Allergies can rob us of our ability to think/process.

      How is your water intake doing? chapped lips? dry skin? While you are sorting all the ideas here you can be e working on this, if you have any doubt about hydration levels. Remember death from dehydration is really awful because the sufferer loses their ability to think and process. Not that you are going to die from dehydration but just to say such a little thing and it can cause levels of misery like hell on earth. You have got some pretty substantial misery going on right now.

      Adding a drink with electrolytes in it is really good for brain function. Brains need minerals to run. People who are stressed/burned out use up minerals at a much faster rate than people going about an average day.

      Your problem sounds more like exhaustion to me. Having had a pretty good bout of exhaustion in my early 20s I still remember the feeling. My life was a shambles and I was running from one fire to another. I never did fun things because there was no time and I preferred sleep over fun.

      One last consideration. A low grade infection can burn us right out and quick. Don’t over look your teeth. I am getting dental work done and boy, can I feel my energy coming back. This time it was an infected tooth dragging me right down.

    7. Minta*

      There are some great comments here so far, especially from LilySparrow.

      I have very similar energy levels and patterns to yours, and I often react to said levels and patterns in a similar way. I really think the permission thing is key. I’ll admit that it is disappointing because it suggests that significantly changing your energy is either impossible or unlikely. I’ve been this way, like you, for so long. Doesn’t mean that it’s not frustrating.

      I try and practice self-compassion. An excellent source for for learning and practicing is Kristin Neff. She has a great CD set available (I think it’s on streaming services too). Books too. My husband also helps. He often recognizes when I’m being hard on myself (which is much of the time), and calls me out on it. A self-compassion buddy, I guess you could call him.

      ^^ I am, by no means, good at keeping up with SC practice, but I try my best. I need to incorporate more physical activity into my life too.

      I’m looking into treatment for ADHD/sluggish cognitive tempo again. It’s been a while since I did anything about it. I think it’s time. Best wishes. I know it’s frustrating.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Thanks for the mention!

        Exercising permission is counter-intuitive. You’re not resigning yourself to being low-functioning forever. Recovering from a crash steals a shocking amount of time & energy.

        When you keep your reserve tank stoked and stop wasting energy on guilt, shame, and beating yourself up, it’s amazing what you can do!

        There is so much power in self-care. Sharpening your saw, protecting your margin, maintaining readiness, whatever you want to call it.

    8. Left Field*

      A couple thoughts from way out here in left field to add to the mix.

      Women in contemporary US culture are socialized to “clean up after” others in often unconscious ways. Years ago someone pointed out that I was doing a lot of that, emotionally & energeticly. That started an ongoing conversation, & gave me tools to use. It’s changed walking down a crowded street from often being exhausting to generally no big deal.

      I’m also an empath. Sometimes I’m aware that the stuff I’m carrying isn’t mine. Sometimes I wasn’t paying attention and am so overloaded it’s hard to see why. Sometimes it’s all my own stuff out for a tour… I’ve learned some ways to cope with each to different degrees at different times.

      For some of us, these are practical & useful to know & use in addition to the kinds of things you’ve already tried & others have mentioned. They aren’t always useful or relevant, so take or leave them as you see fit.

    9. Safetykats*

      You mention taking supplements – but if you can try to get the nutrients you need from your diet you will feel better. Really, eating well and regularlyC staying hydrated, and getting enough sleep and enough exercise is terribly important. I notice that you didn’t mention exercise anywhere, and that you do mention tending to overwork yourself (which likely means not eating and sleeping regularly or well enough.) Try making a schedule and sticking to it, and see if that doesn’t help.

      You may also want to try a diet that helps to keep your blood sugar stable. I get very fatigued when I eat too much sugar (even natural sugars) or too many carbs, because I’m hypoglycemic. Eating many small healthy snacks instead of fewer larger meals is really important to my energy level.

  6. Justme, The OG*

    This year’s flu can go die in a fire. I’ve spent a week home with my sick kid and OMG I need adult interaction.

    2. Elizabeth*

      Agreed. My DH has been fighting it since Wednesday, and I come down with it yesterday. He didn’t get the shot, I did. I’m already on the mend, he’s slowly getting better.

      1. French toast addict*

        Completely understand…though it’s me who’s been sick. Been home for 4 days with a horrific cold that isn’t the flu but it may as well be. It morphed from a bad sore throat to a flood coming out of my nose, pain in my head and sinuses and also led to 2 doctor visits…on the mend now..I think. I blame everyone who steps outside when sick, lol. Irrational, I know, but I hadn’t been this sick in a few years…And I get my flu shot annually.

        1. Former Employee*

          Not irrational. Unless someone has to go out to get food or medicine, they should stay home if they are sick.

          Of course, I think that everyone should have as much paid sick time as they need. I know that some slackers are bound to take advantage, but I believe that they would be found out one way or another.

          There, now I’ve fixed it!

          1. Safetykats*

            People make the decisions they make, good or bad. I’m all for paid sick leave, and agree that it should be standard. The folks I work with HAVE plenty of paid leave, and they STILL come in sick. I’ve politely but firmly told a few that they need to just go back to their own offices and call me on the phone. It’s working so far (knock on wood).

    4. Anon For This!*

      I’m trying not to be totally freaked out by the flu. I have a 3 month old daughter and if we don’t get out of the house every day (I work from home) we both get cranky. But the flu!

      I use a looooooot of hand sanitizer these days.

      Hope your bud is feeling better!

  7. Wrench Turner*

    Today is lunch with, then awkward family ambush, of our antisocial hermit super conservative dad who needs to have some serious conversations about senior care/assisted living/etc. He’s been avoiding us for years and it’s time. He wants to move to the literal middle of nowhere desert in Nevada (yes, it’s pretty out there, no argument) but nowhere near a hospital and no way for us to get there should he need help. My sister saved his life when he had a stroke a couple of years ago because we live close. We’re trying to get him to move to a large retirement community in Florida where other family already live. It’s warm year round, hospital specializing in geriatrics right there and surrounded by Republicans. What’s not to like?
    Sigh.

    2. Anono-me*

      I’m sorry, but that sounds miserable for a loner ( No matter what the political situation is. ). Can you work with a realtor to find a different condo or townhouse that has more privacy but is still nearby family and handicapped accessible?

      1. Anono-me*

        That comment was too terse. I apologise.

        I have had the “Reality can no longer be denied. You are no longer healthy enough to continue with your current living situation. ” conversation to many times.

        The successful times involved finding new housing that suited my elder. ( For example: One elder said “I love my neighbors, I don’t want to live with a bunch of strangers”. We found an association that had people my elder already knew. WIN) Since it sounds like your father is a loner; Can you work with a local realtor to find an accessible unit in a community that has a lot of privacy but is still close to family?

        1. Wrench Turner*

          You’re not wrong! No apology needed! It’s so frustrating!
          One problem is he hates all people. He’s a real bigot (ex: first Thanksgiving at my newlywed house he used a racial slur about Latinos in front of my Latino wife… yeah. 5 years later I’m still apologizing to her for that.), and has zero friends, except for 1 guy he sees maybe twice a year and who’s a real bro jerk to him. He won’t even go to the grocery store because there are people there – gets his delivered. And yet he complains about being lonely. My sister and I are his only socialization, but he doesn’t even like it when we come over.
          I’ve told him flat out, “I go to a therapist and you should too. You have mental health issues that need to be addressed; your social isolation is bad for you, here’s science proof. You get exhausted just walking up the stairs and doing basic things. A 10 acre farm with horses (horses now?!) will exhaust you within a week and may kill you and nobody will know for months. We can’t drop everything to save you across the country, we can’t afford to go out on planned visits as-is.”

          Fortunately he seemed open to the idea after watching The Villages promotional video. He’s not a golf person but he was interested in their local radio station and newspaper as activities he can participate in. GAH! (┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻

          1. neverjaunty*

            Have you pointed out to him that he both complains about people and complains about being lonely?

          2. Casuan*

            Oh, I suspected you meant The Villages!
            I have friends who live there & I go not-as-often-as-I-woued-like. It’s an awesome city & there are groups for almost anything you can think of. Lots of events at the different squares & almost every day there are day trips to different areas.
            The ambience is hard to describe, one really needs to experience it. Even though The Villages is a city, its name comes from the different “villages” that comprise it. There isn’t a city vibe at all, it’s more of a home town feel. There are open areas, much gold although I think there are some horse farms as well.
            It’s even cleaner than Disney!

            1. Casuan*

              forgot to say: I think people in The Villages would respect if your dad doesn’t want to socialise. As long as he isn’t a bad neighbour then I think he’d be okay there.
              And there’s so very much more to do than golf. Like riding around The Villages by one of its common transports: the golf cart.

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      It’s probably also worth discussing what his goals are. I am in medicine and deal with a lot of end of life care, and the thing about living close to a hospital is that he would have to want the care the hospital provides.

      Not to be harsh but would your dad want to survive another stroke, if it left him with significant mental or physical limitations? What quality of life would be acceptable to him? Most people don’t appreciate that for the elderly, going to the hospital almost always means returning to a lower level of functioning even if the person recovers.

      And it can be hard to separate what we want (eg, “I want my dad to live no matter what”) versus what our love ones want (eg, “I only want to live if I can still go on walks” or watch TV or remember my grandchildren’s names or whatever it is).

      Is his idea of living an isolated existence his way of telling you he doesn’t want his life saved next time? Or only under certain circumstances with certain prospects for recovery? Worth asking.

      1. Safetykats*

        Yes, thank you Cheesesteak. The goal of children generally seems to be to keep their elderly parents as healthy as possible for a as long as possible, even if that costs them autonomy or freedom to live as they please. Your dad may just want to live he time he has left, whatever that is, in the manner he chooses. If assisted living represents reduced quality of life for him, forcing him into that won’t necessarily make him live longer – people who are depressed and angry about their living situation don’t live longer. If you can find a solution that meets his goals and also provides appropriate care that’s the best of all worlds. If not – if he’s insistent on complete autonomy even to his detriment, I think you should try to respect his right to make that decision even if you don’t agree with it.

        Being Mortal by Atul Gawande is a really good book that addresses this dilemma exactly, and may give you some good ideas, or make it easier to understand your dad’s position.

  8. Fake old Converse shoes*

    Valentine’s is approaching fast, and everyone is desperately making plans.
    Mom is more anxious to see me in a relationship than ever. Last Saturday she called me while I was studying to tell me about a friend’s son who is “single and living near us”.
    Meanwhile, I plan to have a nice dinner with my notes, since I have a final the next day.

    2. soz*

      That sounds lovely. Even if you were in a relationship I would say don’t go out on Valentine’s Day on a date! So much unbessasary pressure.

      Your plans sound lovely, good luck for the finals! Let us know how they went.

      1. many bells down*

        Seriously, I’ve been married for 15 years and we only go out on Valentine’s Day if we have to. Everyone is eating out that day and restaurants double their prices and call it “specials.”

        1. Typhon Worker Bee*

          We decided to create our own personal Valentines Day – it’s the anniversary of our first date, in late January. So we go out for a nice dinner that night, then it’s Netflix and pizza on Feb 14th. I’m actually going to be away at a conference on V Day this year, and lots of people have commiserated with me about that, but it’s just another day for us so no big deal.

        2. King Friday XIII*

          Same! Valentines is just overpriced, IMO. We specifically avoid having a date night near Valentines at all.

        3. Julia*

          Same. I’m doing a Japanese Valentine’s where I make his favorite chocolate and he has to repay me with my favorite store-bought sweets on March 14. Although this year we’re also going on a delayed honey moon to Sri Lanka. <3

        4. Mike C.*

          I met my wife on Valentines Day but our first date was a week later, so Vday is only a reminders to do something in a week.

    3. Overeducated*

      Valentine’s is such a crock – it’s a lot of pressure on the single and newly coupled but far from a lifelong holiday everyone cherishes. (Maybe some do, that’s fine, to each their own.) You’re not missing much and the final is more important anyway.

    4. AnnaleighUK*

      Our plans for Valentines Day are a Fast & Furious movie binge and a takeaway pizza from the posh place owned by actual Italians who make proper Italian pizzas because literally everywhere that’s a sit-down place hikes their prices for that day. And it’s tacky and cheesy and commercial. Treat yourself to a nice meal (and don’t spill any on your notes, and good luck with the exam).

      And tell your mum to back off, you and only you set your relationship status. Parental pressure is not acceptable.

      2. ket*

        I think with a good pizza you’ll have a slightly cheesy Valentine’s anyway…. good on you for choosing the cheese you like ;)

    5. Caro in the UK*

      I’m currently dating, but casually, and I really want to spend Valentine’s by myself, eating sushi and watching movies! I’m sort of hoping that the guy I’m dating doesn’t suggest we do something for it, because I don’t want to deal with the expectation and pressure that other people put on it. So you have my utmost sympathy for the comments from your mom!

    6. London Calling*

      Gaaaah, I got married on Valentine’s (that was in the proposal and at the time was just *so romantic*) and try as I might after all these years seeing all the hearts and red roses and cards can still put me on edge, depending on my mood.

    7. NeverNicky*

      Valentine’s is six days before my birthday and Mr NN and I will probably exchange cards and that’s it (maybe get a M&S dine in meal if we remember!)

      Good luck with the final!

    8. Fiennes*

      Valentines falls on Ash Wednesday this year. I expect the entire city of New Orleans to spend that day sleeping off Mardi Gras.

      1. SpiderLadyCEO*

        This is my plan! I’m going to church, and spending the day cleaning up from the friends I am having over the night before.

        I don’t like Vday in the first place, but it feels especially weird to have a celebratory holiday on a somber holiday, so this year Ash Wednesday is coming first.

      2. The Person from the Resume*

        I was going to say that we’ll barely even notice because we have a bigger and better holiday on our mind.

        But also, Ash Wednesday means no meat and fasting for practicing Catholics so it’s not the day to go to a restaurant.

    9. oldbiddy*

      Good luck on your test!
      I’m happily married but will be traveling on V-day. In previous years I always had a grant application due Feb 15. Meanwhile, my husband has an unexpected business trip next week and may have to stay for a while. We’re a bit disappointed but are also happy that we won’t have to worry about the restaurants being too crowded when we do celebrate it.

    10. Overeducated*

      For you or anyone else looking for an alternate February 14 holiday, try celebrating Frederick Douglass’s 200th birthday!

      …I just realized that a meme of Frederick Douglass quotes and pics, kids’ drugstore valentine style, would be the greatest thing ever. Is someone already doing this on Twitter? If not I may have to.

    11. Sylvan*

      Your plan sounds great.

      My mom has informed me that she wants grandchildren. I am absolutely not passing on my own genes and I have been single for ages, so I’m not sure how she thinks it’s going to happen. I told her she has grandcats.

      1. Former Employee*

        As I recall, Barbara Walters said that her daughter told her that she will have granddogs.

        Ms. Walters has also said that when her daughter was a child she said that her mother can’t cook, can’t drive, can’t do anything but TV.

    12. ECHM*

      As a single I celebrated Valentine’s Day as “Chocolate Appreciation Day” and gave myself permission to eat large amounts of chocolate.

      Best wishes with your final.

      1. Southernbelle*

        I celebrate the day *after* Valentine’s day as Half Price Chocolate Day. Every year I get the spouse something delicious and say “I love you…. half-price.”

    14. Cheshire Cat*

      Sorry you are having to deal with this — overbearing moms can be difficult. After I divorced, mine nagged me repeatedly about finding someone. The absolute worst was when my daughter’s boyfriend’s parents separated and Mom thought I should ask out the boyfriend’s father. (They reconciled shortly after.) I don’t think there’s much you can do except tell her you’re happy with your life every time she makes a comment.

    15. Vday Grinch*

      I’m currently smarting over a heartbreak. I purposefully planned a trip on Valentine’s Day and through the week to keep my mind occupied and still have fun. I do plan on treating myself to a pink-frosted cupcake because I love those.

    16. Dan*

      Does said friend’s son have a job and live by himself? Both items are really important, if not absolute musts. (I’ve lived alone for the last ten years aside from marriage… I can’t imagine dating someone with a roommate.)

    17. Not Australian*

      For various complicated reasons we still have our ‘dinner for two’ Christmas meal in the freezer – stuffed quail – so I’m hoping we’ll get to settle down and have that somewhere around Valentine’s Day instead.

    18. Windchime*

      I’ve been happily divorced for over 20 years, and my mother only gave up trying to see me paired-up a few years ago. For the first few years, Valentine’s Day was really hard for me but now I don’t even think about it. I’m sure I will buy some pink and white M&M’s or something, because….candy!

  9. Red*

    I’m thinking of getting my self harm scars tattooed over, but I know scar tissue holds ink differently. Has anyone here had a scar tattooed over? If so, how did it go?

    1. Anon Pixie*

      I never have gotten a tattoo, but a reputable tattoo artist near you should know the answer to this kind of question!

    2. nep*

      I just get a nice feeling thinking that this likely means you’re no longer self-harming — good for you.

    3. Starley*

      Every scar is different, so it’s hard to say without seeing it. I suggest you find a reputable shop and sit down and talk to an artist who can take a look at your scars and figure out how best to incorporate them. At the shop I go to several of the artists have done scar work and have some of that featured in their portfolios, so you can search around and see if anyone in your city does the same. I know my artist loves working around scars, freckles, birthmarks, etc. because she finds it interesting to incorporate the individual’s unique body into her art. I know some of y’all are redditors, if you’re one of them /r/tattoos has had a few people with scars post photos of their work if you want to see what they come out like. (Here is one I particularly liked where I think the texture makes the tattoo even more beautiful: https://www.reddit.com/r/tattoos/comments/61k4gs/third_tattoo_covering_up_some_self_harm_scars/?st=JD7JQKNX&sh=ba435ef0) I’m sure it can be incorporated into your design. I wish you all the best luck in your emotional and physical healing process.

    4. Kj*

      I’ve not done it myself, but I know others who have and I’ve seen the results. It has looked good on every one I’ve seen. The deeper the scare, the less effective it is is my understanding. I’d be very careful about choosing an artist who you are very comfortable with. For my tattoos, I opted for only female artists who worked in private spaces.

      Congrats on stopping cutting and getting a tattoo to celebrate.

    5. Reba*

      Great idea! I hope you get something you love.

      No personal experience with this one, but friends have tackled it in different ways. One did a dense tonal/watercolor tattoo over the whole area: scars are simply invisible. Another did an intricate linear design: the scars are visible but become part of the image. Some of the scars needed more touchups to look evenly dark.

      There are artists on insta & youtube who have a specialty in this.

    6. MRK*

      It’s very possible, though results may vary depending on the scar tissue. Ideally look for an artist who has dealt with tattooing over scars, and be up front about the fact that you are looking to go over scar tissue. An artist who does a lot of tattoo coverups may also be a good option. Any good artist will be happy to supply examples and discuss the best plan of action, don’t feel like you have to settle. Also be prepared they may turn you down or recommend you to another artist (a good tattoo artist will admit if something is over their head, this isn’t a reflection on you.)

      Also, the older the better with scar tissue, ideally at least a year out. I’ve been speaking with my artist about tattooing over some major burn scars I have since they are over a decade old. They evaluated the area and agreed they think it’s viable. I’ve had smaller scars/stretch marks gone over with good results.

    7. PickyD*

      I hope this means you’re in a better place mentally, so I’m proud of you. :)

      My daughter had self-harm scars that bothered her, so our dermatologist did a couple things to clean up the areas. A few laser treatments combined with (steroid? cortisone? filler? I wish I could remember) injections helped smooth the area out. You can still see slight evidence of previous scarring if you look closely, but the areas look completely normal from 2 feet away. It was covered by insurance.

      Perhaps after the laser/injections, you may feel comfortable enough with the results that you decide not to get a tattoo after all. And if you decide to get one, that area might be easier to work with.

      She was cutting from late middle school to well into high school. She focused on her thigh and her wrists, never cut deep enough to truly hurt herself, and (needless to say, to my chagrin) made sure she covered them with long-enough shorts and TONS of bracelets.

      PARENTS: If your child wears 2-3 inches of various bracelets, tied strings, Live Strong bands, etc., check underneath them occasionally. That’s how my daughter hid her scars. Also, realize that while cutting would have been an utterly shocking act when we (anyone over 40) were young, it’s really not that unusual now. Cutting does not necessarily indicate suicidal feelings or actions. Try not to act horrified if you see evidence of cutting, but you should arrange for help as soon as you can. The right therapist can do so much for your child and your family.

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Huh. The bracelet thing makes me think of my friend in high school who had a rough time with family issues then and for four years wore three inches of black jelly bracelets/strings. She never mentioned cutting or other self harm even after we hit adulthood, but to this day she ALWAYS wears long sleeved shirts. Always pulled down far beyond her wrists too. Those bracelets were her thing and I can’t think of that time and her without them and it was a time and age a few years beyond that fad too.

      2. Full Speed Ahead*

        PickyD, thank you for your post. Our daughter was cutting a few years ago and it was a lonely and terrifying time. She now is self conscious of her scars and I will see if she will consider speaking to the dermatologist about them. She is extremely private about it, so she may not, but it is great to know about his option.

        My note to PARENTS: also, socks. My daughter would cut on her lower ankles and keep socks on at all times. Even at the drs, so they did not see the cutting either.

        Good luck to you Red!

      3. Red*

        PARENTS & LOVED ONES: Also keep an eye out for watches. Yes, they can be used to tell time, but so can phones, and everyone has those. It may be a fashion statement, but in one’s pajamas it is not. I used to think I was being *so* smart when I was a teenager… Now I wonder how/if anyone missed it.

    8. Sylvan*

      I haven’t done it, but I’ve been looking into tattoos over scars, too. (It’s a reward for reaching the five-year mark.) It looks like they turn out very well. Sometimes the texture of the skin is still visible, so if the scars are noticeably raised, the tattoo is more of an addition than a concealment. I like that, too. There are paintings on textured materials instead of plain ones, so why not tattoos? Anyway, there are some YouTube videos on this that might help you decide what to plan for.

    9. My Anonymous Alter Ego*

      Be sure to look up self-harm-tattoos-gone-wrong. I don’t mean this to discourage you, I just think you should have that perspective because if on the off-chance the tattoos don’t look as planned that might add insult to injury. My limited understanding is that this scenario would be very rare. Is it feasible to get a small “test” tattoo that can be expanded if you like how the ink settles with your scars?

      Congrats on stopping & on making the self harm scars into something that is positive for you. That’s awesome & you have several people who are now rooting for you!

    10. Kuododi*

      I’m afraid I’m not going to be any help with the tattoo question itself….(zero experience). Just wanted to wish you the very best and tell you I’m thinking of you fondly and hoping all kinds of good things in your future!!!!

    11. Red*

      Wow. All of you, just…wow. This is clearly The Most Supportive and Kind Internet Place Ever and I love you all. Thank you for all your kind words.

      1. Lau (UK)*

        I have some tattooing over some scars and echo ‘speak to an artist whose work you love’. My artist was up front about things like potential colour bleed into the scarring and the potential need for more touch up however I’m really happy with the result.

    12. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I haven’t had it done personally but I just read a magazine article that dermatologists recommend tattooing over stretch marks with ink close to your natural skin color as one of the best ways to hide stretch marks.

      Stretch marks are a form a scarring… so I don’t know if you had a design in mind or just wanted to hide the scars, but getting them closer to a “plain” skin look should be an option from a reputable tattoo artist if you are interested.

  10. Xanax taker*

    Legally how much Xanax can I bring in to the US w/o an rx and not get arrested?

    When I was in the home country, I went to the pharmacy and asked for sleeping pills so I could sleep on the plane and reset my clock when I came back home.

    I didn’t take it on the plane, but I took it when I got home. Took it a few times. Realized that I felt AMAZING…I didn’t feel fatigued or groggy like I normally do when I take melatonin or any OTC sleeping pills from here.

    I googled it and turned out it was Xanax. 50 cents for a pack of 8 pills. I’m amused but freaked out at the same time bc I could have bought 50 packets or something and not realized it was an Rx-only pill and gotten arrested.

    I also don’t want to get addicted. So far I take it to sleep and feel great in the morning.

    1. TL -*

      You can’t bring any in legally. I’m not sure what will take you from confiscated drugs to getting arrested but it’s not a good idea to take them into the USA illegally.
      Make an appointment with your doctor and talk to her about your problems sleeping. Tell her about the Xanax and how it helped and see what she says. The best way to not get addicted is to take it under a doctor’s supervision.

    2. Natalie*

      I’m not sure if benzos would be considered a psychotropic, but if so the typical advice is that you can only bring in a 30 day supply and you definitely have to at least have a letter from your doctor, but a prescription would be better.

      Also just a heads up if you begin taking Xanax regularly for an extended period (three months or longer) – if you ever need to stop for any reason, seek medical advice. Benzos are one of two drugs where you can actually die from withdrawal symptoms, so it may not be advisable to detox at home.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        You also need to go to ‘something to declare’ and declare it, if it’s a controlled drug – I was told to do that when bringing my prescription modafinil into the USA. You should probably check with the FDA for any particular issues you might have – they told me my modafinil needed to be in a bottle so my doctor wrote a letter specifically saying it could only be supplied in blister strips.

        A lot of people thought I was being overzealous and should just take it through. Yeah, because I really wanted to commit a crime on my honeymoon.

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        Just a heads up; I’ve left a comment with advice but it’s gone to moderation so do check back!

      3. Starley*

        Definitely see a doctor. I wasn’t taking mine recreationally or even more often than prescribed and still got addicted. I was having a tough time at work with anxiety and stress and it took me about a month to figure out why I was getting sick every weekend. It was physical withdrawal. I went to my doctor and she helped me taper off it slowly to avoid that. Be very careful with benzos.

    3. Temperance*

      If you’re an immigrant and not a citizen, this is a great way to get deported. Talk to your US doctor about this; Xanax can be habit-forming, and in this climate, you frankly really don’t want to be an immigrant with a criminal record.

      Drug crimes of any sort are considered aggravated felonies, which renders one deportable.

      1. Xanax taker*

        Citizen, born and raised in the US. went “home” for an emergency. I really don’t want to do anything illegal or mess w my health. But I was having sleep issues off and on for a while and this seems like a magic pill to me.

        2. Temperance*

          I definitely recommend talking to your doctor before proceeding. Xanax helps a lot of people, but it’s also super addictive if not used carefully.

    4. Thursday Next*

      Def talk to a doctor–Xanax is habit-forming and you won’t get the same results from this dose for long. There are better choices for long-term sleep management.

      I’m a US citizen and travel with meds in their original Rx bottles whenever I fly, even domestically. I’m very leery of airport security.

      1. fposte*

        That’s the one medication I won’t mix in a general bottle when I’m traveling (I know you’re not supposed to do that at all, but I can’t practically bring a full prescription bottle for everything I need).

        I believe also it was here last week that somebody posted about going to a new PCP who was reluctant to keep going on somebody’s Ativan prescription from a prior doctor, and I think you might run into that too–if you get habituated, you might not be able to get more when you run out, and that’ll be ugly.

    5. EA*

      Talk to a doctor or psych about xanax.

      I take Ativan as needed (which is a Benzo like Xanax) I think they are officially supposed to be only for short term use during a crisis, but I take mine when I need it and when I have a panic attack. This is about once a month these days cause my anxiety is well managed. I know I won’t get addicted to something I take once a month. It use to be like once a week.

      The issue with Benzos are they are addictive. When I started Ativan my psych had tried a lot of things, and she would only give me a few pills and I sort of build up trust with her. I also don’t have really have an addictive personality. You just have to be careful with these things, but it has worked for me.

      Honestly when I can’t sleep due to jetlag I just take Benadryl. But Ativan would work I just don’t like to take it too often.

      1. Nicole*

        I’m the same way with Xanax. I used to take it whenever I felt anxious or needed help sleeping, but honestly I often feel that way and decided I didn’t want to chance addiction even though I was taking only a quarter to a half milligram each time. Now like you I only take it to stop a panic attack and only if it’s a severe one as I’ve found other ways to calm myself without medication. So I can sometimes go three months without taking a single pill.

    6. INTP*

      I believe you can bring up to a 90-day supply in the original packaging with a doctor’s note written in English (if a prescription is not required in your country). I will post a link in a reply. Without a doctor’s note, the answer is none. However, xanax is very cheap in the US as well and if you have a doctor here willing to prescribe it, it will probably be under $10 for a 30 day supply.

      Be careful, though – benzos are very addictive and come with some side effects like memory issues.

    7. WellRed*

      I agree with everyone about the doctor, but let’s all remember, a large portion of the opioid disaster began under the care of a doctor. It’s still risky.

      1. Natalie*

        Absolutely, I’ve encountered some doctors that are *remarkably* cavalier about benzos in particular. Shout out to the doctor that didn’t know they were addictive!

      2. Thursday Next*

        A good point—when possible (I recognize it’s not always an option), I think seeing a specialist (pain management, sleep specialist, psychiatrist) is better, as they’re up on the latest treatments and risks, and can often do better follow up.

    8. Nicole*

      One thing I found works great for sleeplessness is a product called MidNite. It contains a low dose of melatonin mixed with herbs. I don’t get the same hungover feeling the next day like I did from taking melatonin by itself.

    9. Kuododi*

      I have no information about customs regulations as the last time I went out of the country was back at the dawn of time!!! I can tell you as a mental health clinician with experience in recovery treatment, benzodiazepine are highly addictive and must be detoxed under medical supervision as people have died from quitting cold turkey. If you’re having problems with sleep, I would strongly encourage a consultation with MD and possibly a sleep specialist to rule out issues such as sleep apnea. Best wishes!!!

    10. Ramona Flowers*

      “I’m amused but freaked out at the same time bc I could have bought 50 packets or something and not realized it was an Rx-only pill and gotten arrested.”

      What’s OTC/prescription only (is that what Rx means?) or controlled varies so much between countries I think it’s worth checking anything you are taking with you just to be on the safe side.

      1. Natalie*

        Yep, Rx is a shorthand for prescription only. It comes from an old medieval symbol for “recipe” (or whatever the Latin word for recipe is).

    11. Xanax taker*

      Thanks everyone. I got an Rx from my PCP for the Xanax. He also recommended Ambien. I haven’t taken it yet. In fact, I didn’t take anything last night. I still fell asleep around my normal time and woke up early as normal. I didn’t sleep as deeply as I did on the X. I am scared of getting addicted though. I’m having a tough time personally and at work (parent passed away). I don’t know if this pill was affecting me when I was awake. When awake,I still felt “normal”…just not as sleepy and lethargic as I usually am. I’m going to look for a psychiatrist soon bc I’m grieving and i dont’ want to getaddicted.

      1. neverjaunty*

        Ambien is VERY dangerous stuff. I am surprised your doctor recommended it, honestly!

        And absolutely get to a counselor of some sort ASAP. I’m so sorry for your loss.

      2. Kittymommy*

        Not on Xanax, but I do take Ambien every weekend (I don’t take it sun – thurs because I’m always nervous I’ll sleep through my alarm). It’s been a life saver for me. I’ve had chronic insomnia for a couple of years now and nothing whose has worked.

  11. soz*

    Going to have a bit of a rant – but i’ve Spent the last 24 hours with my boyfriend in peices. How do you deal with it? Cars have been his passion for ever (heMs a mechanical engineer, and he’s just been offered a dream job wiring vintage cars) he’s now decided to sell all his cars and never touch one again.

    I’m having a rubbish day (well it was Friday but needed to wait till today!) we were doing the Monte Carlo rally – starting in Glasgow, Scotland and ending in monaco (south of France)

    Car had a catastrophic failure (fan hit the radiator) we had been blogging about it on Facebook and linked in. Feeling so embarrised! My partner won’t tell anyone as he’s so upset.

    Currently on a train across France having left the car behind. My partner thought he could have fixed the car but due to a slight confusion and the language barrier it’s locked away till Monday as they had to go home – French workers are very strict on what time they will work – Monday is when the rally finishes! This was our first proper rally, we’ve put a lot of money and time into preparing the car so it’s very very sad!

    Sorry for the rant, how do I comfort him? I want to cry. Or do I leave him to calm down?

    1. Don't Blame Me*

      I don’t know that I’ve completely followed the entire situation but it sounds like y’all have experienced a major setback, it’s still pretty fresh, and there’s the added embarrassment of having to tell a lot of people what happened via blog and Facebook. You know your boyfriend best – if it might be better to let him be upset for a while and then talk to him later, I would probably do that. It’s perfectly understandable that he would be really upset by this (and it sounds like you are too) and there’s nothing wrong with feeling those feelings for a little while before you start to talk yourself out of it.

      As for the comforting, I would just say that yes, this completely sucks, but it could have happened to anyone. Cars break down, you can’t predict it, and the language barrier issue would have happened to anyone who wasn’t familiar with the French language and customs. When you share what happened online, there may be a few jerks who want to rub it in, but I’m guessing the vast majority of people will only want to commiserate with you and assure you that these things happen and it isn’t the end of the world. As for him talking about selling off all his cars, that’s just the hurt talking right now and once this blows over, he’ll likely realize that that would be an overreaction.

    2. fposte*

      If you haven’t, you can ask him. But overall I vote for leave him to calm down. This is a shitty thing and he’s going to feel shitty for a while. If he tries to take action on selling the other cars, I’d encourage him to hold off for a few days to make sure he won’t regret it, but I wouldn’t make my goal his feeling better right now.

    3. Aurora Leigh*

      That sounds very frustrating!

      Everyone is different, of course, but when my boyfriend gets frustrated in a feels like the whole world is ending (has happened a couple of times, he has anxiety that plays into this) what helps the most is naming his feelings (it’s frustrating, I understand what this means to you, etc), physical touch (hugs or just holding his hand), and gummy candy because it’s a bit of a joke between us how much he loves gummies and it lightens the mood.

    4. soz*

      Thanks guys – I promise I am literate! Just having a major panic.

      We were meant to be doing the rally, starting in Glasgow on Tuesday then getting to south France Sunday our car is very old – built in 1934. So it was very slow going. We had the oldest car and in hindsight I can see why most people went for much later cars!

      He’s already emailed a car sales specialist to ask about putting them on the market. Anything I say makes him more angry! We are just trying to work out how to get home without a car – no way as far as we can tell to get a hire car till Monday!

      1. Don't Blame Me*

        As hard as it may be to do, I would just stop. If talking to him makes him react in anger, don’t talk. If he wants to go nuclear and sell all his cars while he’s upset, you won’t be able to stop him. He’s a grown man, he can deal with the consequences of his actions when this is all over. It’s not up to you to save him from his feelings or himself. Maybe you could go out on your own for a few hours and let him do whatever he’s going to do. Also, if this is how he reacts to a major stressor, that gives you some important information to think about for the future.

        1. soz*

          Yeah. This has made me worry about us long term. I’m really trying to enjoy being on a French train (they have two floors, how cool is that!) but he is completely adementthat he won’t enjoy anything.

          Also my shoes have given me blisters (I didn’t think we would do this much walking, because, you know, cars) I need to tell someone because I’m not able to say anything to him!

          1. Anonacademic*

            You should not have to walk on eggshells and hide your joy for days because your partner is upset. Imagine him doing this every time something stressful happens. Is that sustainable for you long term?

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I am not a car person but I do know that cars of that era and earlier simply could not handle long distances or higher speeds. It took a while for manufacturers to start cranking out more durable vehicles. You may be able to confirm this by googling.

      Does he have a car buddy who he “looks up to” that he could talk with? This would be someone who could keep up with all the technicalities of the situation and perhaps offer him some ideas.

      My suggestion is to sit and cry with him. However, I am not totally sure it would be safe for you, given the severity of his reaction. You would know best on that one.
      This leaves me with the idea dragging in one or two thinking type people to talk with him about it.
      And echoing others, keep an eye on his reactions to other things, also.

      1. soz*

        Thanks! It’s true – we were pushing the car too hard!

        I also left him with some, what I call, “old car men” who told him some of their horror stories of failures – it was hard getting him to even go into the bar they were in but once he did he slowly got better. It seems to have calmed him down. Oh what a faff!

        It wasn’t something I could fix, and that’s always hard. Someone’s offered to let him drive their 1940’s MG home from France. So that’s cool. I’m still in shock at the severity of his reaction – basically that he couldn’t do anything, he fails at everything from his job to cycling.

        Thanks guys – I’d been sitting on this since Friday afternoon so needed to vent!

        1. LCL*

          The old car guys are the ones that can help his attitude. I know from my motorcycle days, the stories that are told and retold are always about breakdowns and crashes, not perfect trips.

    6. Onnellinen*

      On selling the cars, your boyfriend likely just needs a bit of time to cool off. My partner and I both race bikes, and the house rule is that if you had a bad race on Sunday, the earliest you are allowed to list your bike for sale is Wednesday. It’s normally forgotten by Tuesday, and we haven’t sold a bike yet!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        This is a good rule. I went by something similar when I had setbacks in skating. Sometimes you just have a bad show/practice. I didn’t quit until I had felt unhappy about it for a few months.

  12. Audiophile*

    I’m look for weekend breakfast ideas. While I can cook and have a few pots and pans, I don’t really have the desire to cook. The times I’ve done it, usually when I visit home, I wonder why I bothered by the time I’m done.

    I would love some tips for breakfast that don’t involve cooking. I’m considering picking up protein shakes for the weekday rush. It left me full until lunch time. But don’t really want to drink those 7 days a week.

    1. CatCat*

      Ideas:
      – Greek yogurt with berries, drizzled with a high quality honey, and some nuts or granola for crunch.
      – Cottage cheese with salsa and veggies on top.
      – Salad for breakfast! (This is actually my go-to during the weekdays.)

      1. Caro in the UK*

        I would actually combine two of those, because I love cottage cheese with fruit and honey! Maybe with a slice of rye bread toast on the side.

      2. Audiophile*

        These are really good tips!

        I love yogurt and there’s a few Greek yogurts that I like. I will look for a sale this weekend and see what I can get.

        I’m not sure that I would like cottage cheese but I do like salsa. What kind of veggies do you put on top?

        I like salads, so that isn’t a bad idea either.

        1. CatCat*

          You can also put the savory stuff on Greek yogurt. I like chopped up bell peppers, carrots, green onion, and cruciferous greens like kale and cabbage.

        1. Windchime*

          I’m another fan of the toast with peanut butter. It’s what I have almost every morning for breakfast. I can eat it in the car on work mornings, or I can savor it on the sofa on weekends. Always with a nice, hot cup of tea. Mmmmmm.

    3. JJtheDoc*

      Yes, one of my issues as well, complicated by having celiac, which immediately adds another level of difficulty. I’m happy to share what works for me, and of course, YMMV!

      I love the egg muffins from Bon Appetit. The recipe as-is makes 6; they keep in the fridge for several days, and can be reheated in a microwave. Change up the fillings, use whatever cheeses you have on hand, make them with 1 egg if that’s a better fit for your appetite. One 2-egg muffin, plus a couple slices Canadian bacon and a schmear of salsa makes 2 English muffin breakfast sandwiches, and not a lot of effort when you want a low-key weekend morning. https://www.bonappetit.com/recipes/quick-recipes/article/muffin-tin-eggs-breakfast

      My other go-to is mini waffles. There are several inexpensive mini waffle irons on Amazon; I have a DASH, in bright red that makes me smile. When you make up a batch, wrap the uneaten and cooled waffles in clingfilm, and freeze. They reheat nicely in the toaster, and warm maple syrup and bacon bits makes a very luxurious weekend breakfast indeed!

      Bonus round is that both the egg muffins and the mini waffles are great for brunches, as well as for those days when breakfast for dinner is all you can handle!

    4. Anon Pixie*

      I alternate between protein shakes and a PB&J made with a high protein PB (it’s got 10g protein per 2tbsp) and a sugar-free J.

    5. Kerbs*

      I actually just have a boiled egg for breakfast. They’re full of protein and keep me going until lunch! Plus you just boil them on the weekend and you’ll have a bunch for the week!

      1. Tassie Tiger*

        If you peel them all in one go, do they stay fresh? I’ve found eggs are easier to peel right away, but I worry about them getting a bit stale.

        1. Kerbs*

          I just keep them unpeeled in the fridge and peel them the morning of. I know peeling is a chore. I haven’t tried pre-peeling them and leaving them in the fridge. But I haven’t had a problem with them getting stale if I wait to peel them. It all depends on the age of the egg too, you’re not supposed to boil farm fresh eggs because they won’t peel.

        2. Beatrice*

          I pre-peel them and leave them in a covered bowl in the fridge, and that works for the 3-4 days they usually last me.

            1. IntoTheSarchasm*

              I boiled eggs very rarely so never settled on a time that worked and wrecked/forgot them. But I discovered that I can put two in an electric kettle that shuts off automatically when it reaches a boil, wait 15 minutes, immerse in cold water and they come out perfect every time.

      2. BRR*

        This is my usual breakfast (I’m not a breakfast person). I make a big batch in my instant pot on the weekend and they’re good for the week.

    6. Fiennes*

      My no-cook breakfast standbys are apples and/ or bananas with peanut butter. Fast, filling, nutritious.

    7. D.W.*

      Yes, toast with whatever toppings you like! Peanut butter and apple, avocado and boiled egg, avocado and sun dried tomatoes, butter and jam, variations are endless!

      I also like to have at least 2 pieces of fruit, lately it’s been an orange and a persimmon.

    8. Starley*

      Overnight oats are my go to. It sounded gross when I first heard about them but I’m so glad I tried it. I like that you can easily mix it up so it doesn’t taste the same every day. They sell containers of it pre-made that you just add your liquid to, but I buy things in the bulk section and that makes it a really inexpensive meal, too. Right now I’m into dried cranberry with almond slivers.

      1. soz*

        This does technically include cooking – but I like those frozen pastries that you can get. Pop them in the oven for 10 min. Taste like younger got them from a bakery!

        I personally don’t eat breakfast. I feel much better if I don’t eat till lunch, but that’s just my body.

    9. HannahS*

      I do have homemade protein smoothies a few times a week. But there’s also avocado toast, cottage cheese on toast, beans and toast (heat up baked beans in microwave, put on buttered toast).

    10. Canadian Natasha*

      You could do a turkish* breakfast. My family travelled to Turkey a while ago and they generally had a spread of the following:
      Fresh tomatoes
      Olives
      Hardboiled eggs
      Sausage slices (something similar to salami)
      Watermelon
      Mild white cheese
      Feta type cheese
      Bread and nutella spread
      Fresh juice
      Coffee (technically it was instant coffee- brewed coffee wasn’t really a thing there)
      It was surprisingly satisfying and filling and you only have to cook 1 thing (the eggs), unless you’d also prefer to toast your bread.
      *Or a turkish tourist breakfast. No idea if regular citizens also ate that way.

    11. D.A.R.N.*

      There are ways to make omelettes in the microwave! No links, but you can find so many versions with a Google search!

    12. Agnodike*

      Like, no cooking at all? Or no cooking the morning-of? My mornings are usually some variety of disastrous so I have suggestions for both.

      If you don’t want to cook at all, fruit, cheese if you eat dairy, cured meats if you eat meat, yoghurt or cottage cheese, and/or some kind of bread product if you eat those can be combined in various iterations to make a delicious breakfast. My favourite breakfast is proscuitto and melon, or apple slices with sharp cheddar. You can pre-cut fruit or buy it pre-cut at the grocery store to completely eliminate prep.

      If you don’t mind low-key cooking but don’t want to cook in the mornings, you can large-batch cook on weekends or whenever you have more time and eat throughout the week. I generally make a crustless quiche (six beaten eggs, a bunch of milk, and some veggies and cheese, baked at 350 for 40 minutes) and a big pot of oatmeal on the weekend, and that along with fruit, cheese, etc. will be breakfast for pretty much the whole family for the week. If you have a slow cooker, you can also put in oatmeal or the ingredients for a simple breakfast casserole the night before and wake up to a hot breakfast.

    13. French toast addict*

      As my nickname indicates I do love my French toast but…not all the time. My recent non-cooking breakfast go-to is avocado, mashed up with lemon juice, salt and pepper, spread on grainy toast, with smoked salmon and cucumber. Not my own invention…credit goes to cookbook I got as Xmas gift – Greta Podleski’s “Yum & Yummer”. It has a lot of protein smoothie recipes too. (And no…not paid to promote it or anything, a friend who is an awesome cook / baker occasionally gifts me cookbooks she likes).

    14. Cookie D'oh*

      I buy frozen breakfast sandwiches and mini fritattas in the frozen food aisle. They can be heated in the microwave.

    15. Anono-me*

      I make egg bakes quite often. They reheat well in the microwave for a nice breakfast.

      1 well greased baking pan.
      1 Starch – Choice of bread, cooked rice, cut up potatoes (cooked or raw if small.)
      1 Shredded cheese
      1 Protein (Choice of already cooked meat, poultry, sausage, or raw tofu scramble etc.)
      1 Vegetable (Choice of spinach, asparagus, or broccoli etc.)

      Layer in the order above. Sprinkle a little more cheese on top.

      Mix enough raw eggs with a little bit of milk and salt and pepper to cover the layers and pour it over them. (sometimes I add a can of cream of celery soup if I feel fancy.)

      Bake at 350 or 375 f until done. (The ingredients can vary so much that it is hard to predict the cooking times. But mine usually take about an hour +/- 15 minutes.)

      1. Windchime*

        I do this sometimes for supper. Really quick and easy, and I usually make enough that I can also reheat the leftovers for lunch the next day.

    16. Nic*

      I’m incredibly picky and I work 12 hour shifts, so “breakfast” for me is both on the way out the door and on the way in and to bed. I don’t like to take a lot of time because I’m either waking up and running or trying not to wake up too much before I sleep.

      I find that soups are really good for that. I’ve found some I don’t mind eating cold, and the rest don’t take long in the microwave or on the stove. Sometimes I’ll toss-em in a thermos and set it by my bedside in case I wake up late and need to breakfast REALLY on the way out the door.

    17. LilySparrow*

      If you have a microwave, you can poach or scramble eggs in about one minute. There are also an abundance of recipes for French toast in a mug in the microwave.

      You are applying heat, so it’s not zero-cook, but it’s pretty lightweight and fast.

      I do berry/yogurt/banana/flax smoothies most days of the week.

      One cold breakfast I like is sliced almonds with shredded coconut and raisins. I eat it with milk, like cereal. It’s crunchy and nice.

    18. Jo*

      My usual, easy go-to most mornings before work here is muesli with yogurt and fresh fruit (one of the perks of living in Thailand is definitely the abundance of delicious fruit), or overnight oats.

      Back when I had a kitchen I would sometimes make a frittata or quiche or some other egg bake/fry dish, then cut it up into pieces, stick them in tupperware in the fridge and voila! Breakfast for the next few days, at least. You can either reheat it in the microwave or if you’re in a hurry, it’s still pretty good cold, too.

  13. Grandma Mazur*

    We’re about to remodel and extend our kitchen into a proper kitchen-dining room (not just a kitchen with a table squeezed in). There are so many things wrong with our current kitchen I couldn’t begin to list them all (to give just a couple of examples, the oven door has to be held closed with string, when the washing machine is on you can’t get into the dishwasher because the hose has to come in front of the dishwasher and be tied to the kitchen sink to drain, there’s no heating, and the backdoor doesn’t shut properly!) so we’re very excited and basically just going to be grateful for and pleased with a kitchen that’s warm, dry and has functioning appliances.

    That said, we’re a bit overwhelmed (or have the potential to be) by all of the more detailed choices around storage, cupboards, space usage, etc. We’re employing an architect and she’s been really patient and done lots of iterations of the feasibility drawings, so we have a layout we’re happy with, but what nifty design tricks/storage should we include/make sure we consider? What do you wish you’d thought of/wish you had in your kitchen, and what has made life easier for you?

    Things I’ve already thought of:

    * I want somewhere tall and narrowish I can store baking trays and roasting tins vertically (I’m sick of storing them horizontally and faffing to get at the one at the bottom – it’s always the one at the bottom that I need!).

    * We will have a corner cupboard space that’s difficult to reach. In our current kitchen we have a two-tiered quarter-circle wire rack that pivots out, but it’s a disaster – anything small doesn’t sit flat, if too much weight goes on the upper tier it pulls out of the fixture, and if anything falls off you have to take the whole rack out to get to the back of the cupboard – I honestly think I’d be happier with just a big cupboard that was difficult to reach at the back.

    * I was considering a warming tray for plates but then realised it’s because we currently have no heating and food gets cold really fast – that won’t happen once we have radiators and insulation! But should we still consider it?

    * We’ve tried to make the oven, hob, fridge and sink as close to each other as possible (it’s not the classic triangle but it’s good enough).

    * Should we go for more cupboards or are drawers a better idea (for, e.g., pots and pans, plates, and so on)?

    * What kind of flooring would be most practical? We have two cats and a baby so something easily cleanable is essential – I favour vinyl because I’m clumsy and jars won’t break if they land on it, husband prefers tile which would definitely be more attractive. We’re hoping we can afford underfloor heating.

    Sorry this is so long. Any suggestions gratefully received!

    1. CAA*

      For vertical storage, I use half of the cabinet above my oven. I got some “tray dividers” at The Container Store and installed them myself. Nothing has fallen on my head (from that cabinet anyway) for years now, so I consider them a great success.

      In a previous kitchen, I had a corner cupboard that had a door that was hinged in the middle, so you could open the whole thing and see into the corner. It was great, but this only works if there are cabinets on both sides of the corner. In my case, the two doors that met at the right angle would have been about 8 and 10 inches wide, so hinging them together into one big door worked very well. I had an L-shaped shelf in that cabinet.

      I think cupboards vs drawers are just a matter of personal taste and available space. I have a mix, and even have one big lower cabinet with slide outs on the shelves. With drawers, I am often taking everything out to get to the one on the bottom, where it seems easier to slide things out from a stack on a shelf without having to remove everything on top.

      For flooring, have you looked at cork or laminates? Both are softer than tile and warmer, but a little more up-scale than vinyl.

      1. Grandma Mazur*

        A hinged cupboard door – somehow this idea had not occurred to me, but it would work perfectly in the space – thanks!

    2. fposte*

      I would have look on Houzz for kitchen storage ideas, because there are too many to list and individual taste is important here. (For instance, do you have a dead corner? I’m in love with the special figure-eight pullout shelves that mean you can easily get to the stuff stored there.)

      But I will say that while tile is beautiful, I don’t want to stand on that stuff for any length of time (in addition to your other concerns). It is not forgiving to bodies. So I reluctantly say no to tile in kitchens, unless you’re going to put down so many gel pads that you can’t see the floor anyway.

      1. Natalie*

        I have slate tile in my kitchen and while it looks pretty, I wouldn’t put it in if it hadn’t come with the house. Aside from being hard, it’s also freezing cold in the winter.

        Plus it can be fragile. Ceramic tile breaks if you drop a pot or something on it, and stone tile can spall.

          1. Grandma Mazur*

            These are both really good points (breaking tiles and them being hard to stand on), so I think tile may be ruled out for those reasons.

      2. Southernbelle*

        They make (in the US at least) these really quite nice ‘luxury vinyl plank’ flooring, some if it with interesting textures. It’s softer than tile, extremely durable, waterproof, and very easy to install- I just put some in an entryway/mudroom I was remodeling.

      3. Dead Quote Olympics*

        Yeah, tile is hard on knees, feet, dropped breakable items, and your baby will be a toddler soon, and will be toddling and falling a lot. Cork, vinyl, wood, true linoleum will all be softer, easy to clean, and warmer to little kid skin (when they are sitting on the floor pulling all your pot lids out of your vertical storage and using them for cymbals) if you can’t swing the underfloor heating.

    3. AnotherJill*

      If you are buying your cabinets ready made, they usually have a lot of different types to choose from. For example, I have a tall thin cabinet designed for sheet pans and cooling racks installed right beside the oven. I don’t know what country you are in, but if in the US, there are scads of options.

      I had the same thing with a corner cabinet before remodeling – you had to basically lie on the floor to get to the back of it. Even though it doesn’t use the space totally efficiently, I had a giant two-tiered turntable and the door basically hinges in the middle so the opening into the cabinet is very wide. It’s been great storage.

      I personally like more cabinets than drawers, just because they can easily be subdivided by baskets and are more flexible and easier to find things in them. But I think that is a personal choice. If you have the space for big cabinets, some with pull out trays in them are also helpful. We have one space that was an old broom closet that has four large pull out trays that make it easy to access things.

      We have vinyl flooring, which is nice for spills and things and you don’t have to worry about grout getting stained. But if I did it again, I would look at some of the cork options, which look really cool.

    4. Lcsa99*

      Two things we have in our kitchen that I would recommed for EVERY kitchen:

      1. a corner cabinet with a hinged door and a lazy susan. This let’s you use so much of the space that would be wasted otherwise and you can still see everything so it’s easy to use.

      2. Cabinets with pull out shelves. Let’s you get to everything in the cabinet without having to dig. Keeps everything more organized too.

      1. JustAnotherJen*

        Yes! to the lazy susan in the corner cabinet. We have a biggish corner cabinet with lazy susans on both shelves (they’re round things that rotate? Actually, they’re 3/4 round things that rotate, in this case) and I can keep all the commonly used pots and pans on them IN ORDER OF SIZE! I can’t tell you how stupidly happy this makes me: pots are on the top, sitting side by side on this round skinny-thing with their lids on their tops, rather than stacked and requiring unstacking every time they need to be used. Pans are on the bottom, from the little 1-egg skillet to the huge restaurant-sized skillet required to make “1 pan dinners” for a family with multiple teenagers.

        We use pull-out shelves only for the cabinet holding storage containers (like tuperwares). I’ve also purchased some desktop organizers that hold cutting boards and such upright so they’re also easy to reach.

        I have a huge drawer for spices, and it contains three spring-fit curtain rods, so I can have three rows of spices slightly ajar (top ends raised a bit) smiling up at me. Alphabetized, of course :^).

        I actually had a tall, narrow cabinet with a divider installed next to the stove that holds nothing but baking sheets, the griddle for the stovetop, a wire screen (for covering pans when frying stuff) and the giant cutting board I use for rolling out dough.

        Um, I cook quite a bit, as you may have guessed.

    5. LCL*

      My kitchen has vinyl (or the equivalent synthetic, it came with the house so not sure what it is) in the kitchen and bathroom. Here, that’s considered a cheap finish, but I love it. Easily cleaned, easily sanitized if something happens, and low maintenance. I like the look of tile or stone, but would never deliberately have it installed.

    6. oldbiddy*

      Can you find a kitchen designer who will help you? They think about this stuff all the time and know what works and what doesn’t.
      I had a tiny kitchen in my former house. For the life of me I could not figure out a good way to remodel it. My friends and relatives didn’t have any breakthrough ideas either.
      I happened to talk to a designer at a home and garden show. She gave free consultations and had done a number of small kitchens so I had her come out for a consultation. In a few minutes she had come up with a very good plan. I hired her to do the design and also to help me pick out materials. It was the best decision I ever made for my house. She also helped me pick out appliances, granite, tiles, etc. It took a couple of hours one afternoon and I would’ve wasted so many weekends if I hadn’t done it. All told she cost maybe $750 but I probably saved at least that much.
      I remodelled my bathroom the next year and hired her again.

    7. Nancie*

      I’m hoping to replace my cabinets this spring.

      You can get vertical storage racks online. I have one, it just has rubber feet to keep it from sliding around, and it works great. It is so much nicer to pull things out f it than to deal with a pile!

      I’m leaning toward drawers for the lower, it just seems like it would be so much easier to get things from the very back bottom corners.

      Tile is pretty, but it seems like it gets chillier than vinyl, and personally I never want to deal with flooring with grout again. Though I guess a lot of the new tile floors don’t have visible grout lines? If you’re hoping to get under-floor heat, there are probably floors that work better with that than others. You might want to have that drive your choice.

    8. Nicole*

      If you can get the under floor heating, that would solve the cold tile part. I prefer tile just because it’s easy to clean and doesn’t scratch like vinyl does. We have vinyl in our laundry room and it doesn’t look very good anymore. I really like the tile that looks like hardwood. I definitely want to use that in my next remodel.

    9. LPUK*

      When I redid my kitchen, here are the things that really helped me organise. 1. Narrow pull-out larder unit. This holds a lot of groceries/ sauces/ specialist ingredients and it’s very easy to see and retrieve the item you want as you can check both sides. If I’d had more space I would definitely have had two of these! A friend of mine does – one on either side of her built-in fridge.
      2 wide and deep drawers to store crockery – had these in a rental house and find them so much more accessible. Mine have a sort of pegboard insert at the bottom, into which you can screw thick dowel posts to separate and support dishes/plates.
      3. A hanging pan rack – mine is just a single rail hung over a worktop with several hooks – it’s a much more space-efficient and accessible solution than drawers or cupboards
      4. I had wall cupboards that reached the ceiling ( so dust/grime doesn’t collect there), and being only small, I have a small collapsible step-stool which slides under, and is hidden by one of my cupboard plinths, so it dorsn’t Get in the way when I don’t need it
      5. I do have a warming drawer and find it useful for warming plates and serving bowls when I have people round, but I probably only use it a couple of times a month ( but I do store my stovetop griddle in it as well)
      6. Having had granite and tile floors in Previous houses, I was keen to go for vinyl to increase comfort and warmth, and act as a sound-dampening support ( tile is so noisy in the kitchen). If you go for a more expensive type, such as Karndean or Amtico, you can get vinyl tiles that mimic stone, wood or even tile, which look great and realistic (you can get textures like riven slate or grained wood), are practical and comfortable and have a 30 year guarantee. You can also get custom effects by stripping in complementary colours,textures etc. Installed by their professionals.
      7. I also have a waste-disposal unit which gives me gleeful pleasure when I ‘feed’ it and really cuts down on smelly/messy bins
      8. I second the recommendation of figure 8 pull out shelves ( in UK at least, the proper name is Le Mans units, presumably after the race-track) for corner cupboards
      9. One thing I didn’t get, and regret, was a couple of plinth drawers which pull out of cupboard bases and make good use of wasted space. They would have been great for baking tins!
      If you want to get a better sense of what kitchen cupboard accessories are available, google Hafele, who make the interior fitments that kitchen manufacturers use – I gave a list of item numbers to my kitchen supplier to ensure I got exactly what I wanted

      1. Grandma Mazur*

        Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts (and especially for the list, LPUK) – this has already helped me to narrow things down. LPUK, can I ask how far your pan hanging rack is from your hob, and whether you find the ones that aren’t used daily get greasy/you have to wash them before you cook? I’ve seen the racks and like them but our experience has been that things out in the open get dirty quickly… But that could be because our hob ventilation hood died five years ago (and we didn’t replace it because, you know, “we’re about to start remodelling the kitchen…”!)

        1. LPUK*

          My pan rack is on the opposite wall to the hob, but as it’s quite a compact kitchen that’s only a step away. Because it’s not directly over the hob, it doesn’t pick up grease from cooking and therefore I don’t have to wash the pans before using ( also it’s for the pans in regular use; those I only use occasionally are stored elsewhere)

        2. LPUK*

          Sorry for late response, but I just saw this question. My pan rack is on the wall opposite my hob, but as my kitchen is fairly compact, it’s only a step or two away( about 4 feet) Possibly because of this position, it doesn’t seem to pick up grease in the way things stored near the hob do, and I can use the pans without washing them. Also the pans I keep there are in regular use – ones I use only occasionally are stored elsewhere.

    10. Another Lauren*

      My favorite feature of our remodeled kitchen is a deep drawer that has a utensil crock built in. It’s the freaking best! I’ll link an image in a follow-up comment so you can see.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      Corner cupboard: If you decide simple is best you might want to put seasonal stuff in that cupboard so you only wrestle with it a few times a year. It’s not a bad idea to have a deep storage space some where in the kitchen. I have a cupboard over my fridge, that is so UNhandy. However, I keep stuff there that I might need at some later time.

      I went with vinyl flooring. Tile can be spendy then you have to pay someone to put the tile on for you. That can be really spendy. You want to be sure to get extra tiles so when they break you can get it repaired. I can’t have a tile floor, it’s too hard and it causes my legs to fatigue very quickly. If you guys like tiles, you could do a tile backsplash over the sink and wrap that backsplash around the kitchen as much as you want. I bought a dark vinyl linoleum that looks like hand cut wood. It’s great. It never looks dirty and it’s taking a beating. Plus I can work in the kitchen and be comfy. My friend who does carpentry work put in a tile floor and really regrets it. He says it’s cold all the time even though he heats with wood and his house is toasty.

      Drawers vs shelves. Think about cleaning it. Think about cleaning it decades from now. I love the look and the appeal but I know I will make a big mess and have to clean out each drawer, remove all the drawers and clean underneath. I’d rather just wipe down shelves.

      Plate warmers. When I worked in a restaurant we just used the microwave to warm plates. This worked very well. I like it when appliances can serve more than one purpose. I have limited space and I don’t want to have a bunch of things that break and need repair.

      My suggestions from my own stuff here:
      Put in too many outlets. I had quite a few put in and oh boy, I am enjoying that. Near work surfaces I went with outlets that had four individual outlets rather than the typical two outlets. This is because of the darn adapters they put on stuff. The adapter blocks the ability to plug something else in, but if you have four individual outlets you will end up still being able to plug something in. So I have a cluster of four outlets about every five feet along my counter top. [Happy dance!].

      My other suggestion is to have counter area designated for hot pots or hot ovenware. I bought special tiles that work for this purpose, restaurants use them. They are kind of the color of clay flower pots and you can set anything hot on them. This is great. I am so happy with the one area that I did, when I get around to it I will have another similar area made on the opposite wall. I put the tiles where I do not usually stand and work. That way the hot pot is off to one side away from me.

      While I did not buy top of the line stuff there were a few things I did not skimp on. I bought a faucet that would be good in a kitchen,but I have it in my laundry room. The head of the faucet pulls out so there is a long hose. This is nice for rinsing out garbage pails and other things that do not fit the sink. It switches from regular stream to a wider stream like a shower head. I use that feature all the time. I had already replaced my kitchen faucet or I would have put it in the kitchen.

      1. Grandma Mazur*

        Thank you for the detailed thoughts! You’re right that an annoying cupboard could be used for picnic or camping stuff that we only use occasionally (we haven’t had that luxury to date – everything has been piled in a few cupboards). We’ve already told the architect we want electrical outlets anywhere there’s a space (and I’m tempted to get one or two with the USB socket in, so that phone chargers don’t take up a socket that an appliance could be plugged into).
        With the tiles for putting hot pans on (which husband will love), are they set/grouted into the counter top, or are they loose but you have a lot of them to create a larger area?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          The tiles are grouted and permanently set in. They are set into the counter top, so the top of the tile is level with the counter. Yep. I have a few extra in case I break one, but because I am dealing with hot pot, I am pretty careful anyway. I have had them in for about two years now and they are holding up great.
          I think they are about 3-4 inches square. This is a nice size because you can go as big or little as you want.

    12. Pieforbreakfast*

      Drawers for items like utensils, towels, bags, foil, etc…. Cabinets elsewhere, with pull out trays/shelves for bottom cabinets. I do have one deep drawer that I put the baking things I rarely use because it is a bit of a dig to get them out. I have a skinny cabinet next to the oven that i put sheets and cutting boards in upright and it is handy!
      I added a small, shallow shelf under a cabinet for jarred goods and spices that really helps.

      Our kitchen floor is marmoleum, which is like a nicer linoleum. Warm, comfortable to stand on, easy to maintain. My husband did drip some kind of battery acid on it that ate through the surface. So don’t do that.

    13. Dead Quote Olympics*

      Things in my 2 year old kitchen that I am still delighted with on a regular basis:
      A real stove vent hood that actually vents outside
      A giant one bowl sink instead of a two bowl sink ( that is highly personal though)
      Corner lazy Susan cabinet
      Wood floors

      I have a lot of storage space in the walk-in pantry, so most of my irksome storage issues are about the locations of food/pans/utensils when I need them at hand at the moment.

      Things that I had no control over (new build with menu of options) and will put in later if I can because they irk me on a regular basis:

      Under cabinet LED lighting
      Deep drawers instead of lower cabinets (seriously, I could have had a wine cooler but no option for dish drawers in 2016?)
      Pull outs for garbage and recycling bins
      I’ve got enough outlets, but would have preferred hidden strip plugs. Make sure you think carefully about outlet locations since you have control over it – I have a great long island where I use my laptop but there is only one outlet on the one end – the wet end near the sink/dishwasher/garbage bin. It’s going to cost me a couple of hundred of dollars to add one at the other end so I can work while my husband cooks.

      Good luck!

      1. Grandma Mazur*

        Thanks for the lighting suggestion – I had actually forgotten that one of my big bugbears about our current set-up is that there’s a cabinet right over the sink and its difficult to get any light directly onto the sink when we’re washing up. So that’s going to be essential. The giant sink is on my must-have list (we’re thinking of a Belfast sink, I think they’re called) and the pull-outs are also valuable (we have one for general waste but recycling just piles up by the front door and I take it out on a daily basis, so more of these would be fantastic).

    14. Grandma Mazur*

      Thanks, everyone, for taking the time to help me with my questions, I really appreciate all the comments and everyone’s said something that has made me have new ideas! It’s been so helpful I will definitely be back next week with a question about my cats :-)

    15. Not Australian*

      Re: corner cupboards – we have two, and have a slightly different arrangement in each, although the mechanism is basically the same. It’s not the classic rotating shelf but a pull-out; wire trays in one, solid shelves in the other. When you open the door, one set of shelves comes right out and the other slides across into the space behind. We absolutely love these, and the only slight down side is that the solid ones – where we store all our plates etc. – can lock in position if you pull them out too far, due to the weight. But look around as there are all sorts of pull-out (and drop down) storage arrangements now and the picture is always changing.

      Only two very small things I regret about our kitchen – which is just over two years old and was designed from an empty shell. One is that I wish I’d had an extra electric socket put in on an otherwise blank wall. The other is that I wish we’d let the floor settle a bit longer after the under floor heating was installed, before we had the tiles laid. The tiles look fabulous but have cracked in one place, which I think must be at the edge of the heating zone. So in your case, if you’re having under floor heating, I’d suggest you go for a cheaper temporary solution in the first instance and maybe have ceramic tiles laid at a later date.

    16. Cristina in England*

      I have bookmarked this thread as there are such good suggestions! Since you used the word hob, I’m guessing you’re in the U.K. Do you know where your kitchen units etc are coming from (I.e. Howdens, Ikea, etc) and have you lined up a builder yet? We are hoping to do our kitchen in the next couple of years and are feeling similarly overwhelmed. :-)

      1. Grandma Mazur*

        I am indeed in the UK! Honestly, I’m kind of wondering whether/hoping that we don’t have to use many ready-made kitchen units at all, as I’m not a huge fan of the fronts of any of the ones I’ve seen so far (but that’s not based on a huge amount of in-depth research, admittedly). We have previously bought some furniture from http://www.greenwoodsfurniture.co.uk/ and a plate rack from http://www.theplaterackco.com/ and neither place seemed to charge more for bespoke designs than for the stuff already on their websites, so I was wondering if we could get away with a few key things from there and just one or two Wickes /Howdens type units for (eg) the dead corner/pull-out pantry. We want a fairly deconstructed look anyway so decoration isn’t going to cost much (I hope!). We have to strip all of the plaster off the walls to seal the bricks to stop them leaching salts through, so we may then just put up long shelves instead of upper cabinets. Maybe. Something like http://www.froufrugal.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Kitchen-Remodel-After-Exposed-Brick-Wall-with-Plumbing-Pipe-Open-Shelves.jpg

        I have a feeling someone told me Howdens are known for having a big sale for stuff delivered in October, so that may be worth a look.

        We’ve just had a loft conversion done and went with a company who specialise and supposedly take all the stress out of the build but it didn’t really work out that way so for the kitchen we will be using the architect to project-manage and she already has four or five builders that she has worked with. It’s not a cheap option (I think it’s 10% of the build cost + VAT) but we genuinely want piece of mind this time. If we weren’t doing that I would only be going with word of mouth recommendations, even if they were backed-up busy.

    17. AliceBD*

      Haven’t read all the replies so sorry if this is repetitive. I personally rent but my parents majorly redid their kitchen when I was a kid and it was an incredible kitchen with a lot of useful features, so that’s what I’m working off of for ideas. They downsized a few years ago and the kitchen in their new house isn’t nearly as nice.

      For the corners at intersections of counters, where you can’t easily reach, they had a hinged door and a 2 tier lazy Susan with a notch cut out where the door went (there are plenty of pictures if you google “lazy Susan hinged door kitchen”.

      If you can swing it, cabinets/cupboards with drawers instead of shelves are the best of both worlds. They work very very well–hold lots of things but easy to get to all of it.

      The floor was vinyl in a tile pattern, and people who didn’t know thought it was tile. A big advantage of it was how easy it was to clean, as it was a smooth, flat surface instead of having grooves like tile would have where the grout is between tiles.

      I don’t know that you need a full-on warming drawer. One thing both sides of my extended family has always done is just warm up the plates, which keeps the food warm. This is easily accomplished by using a toaster oven, putting the plates on the (turned off) stove if the heat from the oven underneath rises, or using a plate warmer — we all have the kind that is like a long skinny electric blanket (again google to see what I’m talking about). The plate warmer is used with the fancy holiday china that I don’t think is microwave safe.

      A few hidden features my parent’s kitchen had:
      – The trash can was in a sliding drawer, which is fairly normal. The front of it had a notch cut out so you could slide open the drawer with your foot if your hands were full of something, which I don’t think is normal.
      – We had a counter come out from the wall, with the dishwasher and trash can on one side and seating on the other. On the end of it were what looked like just two nice decorative panels. These panels were actually drawers and opened up and there were shallow shelves just the right size to hold canned goods. It was an easy way to store canned goods so you could see them all.
      – One of the lazy Susan cabinets mentioned above was in the counter that stuck out. The opposite side of that cabinet was on the side where people sat. Again there were what looked like decorative panels but were actually doors so you could get to the backside of that lazy Susan cabinet. It was more just a “well, it doesn’t cost very much and is helpful if we need it, so why not?” kind of thing.
      – often underneath the sink there is a narrow panel before you get to the cabinet under the sink; the panel is where the sink is as there isn’t room there for a drawer. You can have the panel be on hinges to hinge outwards so you can store things like dishwashing gloves and sponges there. (looks like the thing to google to see an image is “sink front tip out tray”)

    18. Triplestep*

      Well, you’ve gotten some great advice, but I still have a couple of things to add: First, good for you for using an architect. I used to be a residential architect and so many people opt not to pay for design services, hardly anyone (in the US) can make a living at this anymore. (I joke that it will be my retirement job, and it might be, but I’m designing offices and labs in the meantime.) People watch HGTV and think all those perfectly planned details plan themselves!

      Anyway, at some point it is likely that you’re going to choose a place to purchase semi-custom kitchen cabinets – this is largely how these things are done these days. It might be a building supply company with a kitchen design section, or a stand-alone kitchen/bath designer. It might be a place you choose on your own, or maybe your architect or builder will steer you to a place they like dealing with. But the people there will carry certain brands, and those will be the cabinet line you’ll be choosing from. The differences usually amount to things like quality of construction, but the different cabinet lines might offer slightly different variations on sizes and accessories, too.

      Once you decide on your cabinet line (the designer will help you pick based on your budget typically) I suggest you go online and download the “spec guide” for the cabinets you’ll be purchasing. This guide is really for professionals, and there might be a lot of accessories that aren’t immediately obvious what they’re for. But you’ll get ideas for things like the size and style of the blind corner units folks have mentioned here, or cabinets that have hidden drawers inside, etc. It will give you a thumbnail drawing if you’re having trouble visualizing. If you’re choosing between two cabinet lines, downloading the spec guides might help you decide. One line might have more choices in widths, a door style you like better, etc.

      I would avoid going to a Home Depot or the like for cabinets. There is a high attrition rate in their designers, and you don’t usually get someone with a lot of experience there. That said, feel free to go to Home Depot and the like for cabinet accouterments and hardware. You’ll save money, and it’s often the same items you’d get from a kitchen design showroom.

      Lastly, I always tell people to plan a few electrical outlets *inside* the wall cabinets. I like to have a blender plugged in that lives in my upper cabinet. Some people charge flashlights, and other non-phone rechargeables. Might as well plan a phone charging station somewhere as well, for example if you have a part of the kitchen that’s more for open storage, cookbooks, etc. I also like to use “plug mold” up underneath the wall cabinets out of sight instead of power outlets that interrupt a pretty wall mosaic/backsplash over the counter.

      Good luck! It can be overwhelming, but it’s a fun problem to have!

  14. Fake old Converse shoes*

    Shoutout to the five (!) construction sites near home that start around 7.30. Even Saturdays. Why the hurry, guys? People aren’t desperate to move in. Well, they would be if those apartments weren’t that expensive. Or if they didn’t run only with electricity. Have those architects ever heard of power cuts? Or taken into account the new electricity fares?

    2. Not So NewReader*

      My first apartment had electric heat. The electric bill was the same amount as the rent. My landlord loved me because I always paid on time and in full. So when I wanted to move, he had me look at several of his places. They all had electric heat. No. Thanks. What are people thinking.

    3. Dan*

      Heh. When I was in college, they were doing construction next to my freshman dorm… the jackhammers were starting at 6am every morning… even during finals week.

  15. nep*

    Anyone work in audio and do tape syncs? I used to do radio reporting — been away from it for a long time. I’d like to learn how to do tape syncs and I’m thinking of finding a freelancer in my area who does them (via the great AIR website) and ask if I could shadow.

  16. Wheelyshoes*

    Is anyone else watching the roller derby world cup livestream? I know loads of people who’ve gone in person, and a couple of skaters/coaches/officials/volunteers, so every so often I just go “!!!!” at my laptop.

    1. Casuan*

      No, although now you have me interested to watch some roller derby. It sounds like you’re really enjoying it
      Have fun!!
      …& try not to be too hard on your laptop
      :-D

      1. Officials' Anonymous*

        I’m here… and officiating the final tonight! Penalty box timing my 11th game of the weekend

  17. Valancy Snaith*

    My new year’s resolution wasn’t necessarily to read more, but to keep track of what I do read by actually writing the titles down (and to write in general). So far it’s making a fairly large difference in how I’m actually recalling the books I’ve read, instead of what normally happens, which is that I consume books like potato chips and don’t recall a ton about them afterwards.

    What are you reading? Any book recommendations? I recently finished The Residence: Inside the Private World of the White House and I was honestly surprised at how much I enjoyed it. Tons of details about how the families live and how the household staff handle things like tragedies and the changeover.

    1. soz*

      I use goodreads – their yearly challenge. It’s not worth backtracking what books you read before but I like tracking things – although i’m Not sure what I think of reading reviews – it can ruin a good book! Things like my favorate childhood books have some awful reviews! And i’m Really one who will read a book then a couple of months later go “ooh I should read that” then half way through realise I already have!

      Ooh! And i’ll put that whitehouse book next on my list. I’m mostly a non-fiction person.

      As for advice. Recently i’ve Read “men explain things to me” by Rebecca Solnit, or actually the best feminist book I’ve read for a while was Rober Webb’s “how not to be a boy”

      If feminism isn’t your thing then “the man who mistook his wife for a hat” is a good look at random mental illnesses through anecdotes. Or I love anything by Jon Ronson.

      I’m trying to think of fiction – anything Diana Wynne Jones or Terry pratchett. Such good writers!

    2. PhyllisB*

      Valancy, you might want to join Goodreads. It’s a wonderful website that has reading challenges, contests for books, and if you like, you can write reviews of the books you read. (Look for me if you join!!) The way the reading challenge works is you set a goal for how many books you think you can read in a year. I set 75 for mine because I read fast; but some set them as low as 20. Whatever you feel like. Then you start a book just enter the title and each day you can update your progress, or just enter when you finish. That’s when you can rate your book and add a review if you like. Sometimes I do reviews, but not always. Then the site keeps track of the books you read and you can check anytime to see how you’re doing in your challenge and see what books you’ve read. The last one can be a big help because there a lot of books with similar titles or even the exact same titles. I’ve enjoyed it, and have won a ton of books from them.

      1. K.*

        Thirding Goodreads and the reading challenge – but I always enter those “there’s a new contest for a book you’ve shelved!” contests and I never win! Hmph.

        Goodreads is great for me because many of my friends are readers and are also on Goodreads, so I’ve gotten some great next book ideas from what they’re reading.

        1. PhyllisB*

          Don’t give up, K!! It took me a while to start winning, but once I did I have won a bunch. Aside from the books I’ve shelved, if you look up at the top right hand of the page, you will see all giveaways. Click on that then you can choose ebooks giveaways, print giveaways or all giveaways. You can also narrow it down to only US giveaways (if you live in the US) there are four categories you can enter: Featured, Ending Soon, Most Popular, and Most Recent. Featured is only one page. The other categories can be 100 pages or more. I usually just do three pages of Ending Soon. On weekends I will do three pages of all of them. I don’t enter everyone obviously, just the ones I’m interested in that I know I can’t get at the library. Works great, I’ve been a member for three years now and have won over 50 books. Have already won 10 this year alone.

    3. Lady Jay*

      I already read a lot, around 40 or so books every year. This year I made it my goal to read more minority authors, especially more non-white authors, I just finished a mystery novel by Malla Nunn set in apartheid South Africa, which was enlightening and disturbing (and prompted me to re-watch District 9 last night.) Coming up in the queue I also have an Octavia Butler book, which looks equally unsettling; this will be my first Octavia Butler.

      Other than minority writers? I’ve got a book of political philosophy by Hannah Arendt going (On Revolution) and will likely do a re-read of A Fire Upon the Deep, which is fantastic (Vernor Vinge is terribly underrated as a sci-fi author). I will probably also pick back up Dante’s Divine Comedy as we come into the Easter season.

      I love Goodreads for the way it makes tracking books I want to read and books I have read very easy. If I had to keep track of this in my head, or on a piece of paper, the breadth and quality of books I’d be reading would probably go down a lot. I also find that the Goodreads reviews can give me a fairly good sense of whether I will enjoy any particular book.

      1. Cyclatrol*

        I’d like to respectfully disagree: Vernon Vinge is a great SF writer who is underrated by people who think the best science fiction always includes a character named Darth.

        While on the topic: I trust you’ve read _Inferno_ by Niven and Pournelle? It’s a hoot that is also a surprisingly deep, satisfying read.

        In related news: Netflix released _Altered Carbon_ this past Friday, and it’s like _Bladerunner_ mixed with _The Matrix_ and _Neuromancer_ – except that makes it sound unfairly derivative

        1. Lady Jay*

          Glad to hear a rec for Altered Carbon! I’ve been wondering if it’s worth watching.

          I haven’t read Niven yet, but I’ll check it out. When I say Vinge is underrated, I don’t mean that people seem to (unfairly) dislike his work, only that fewer people know about it. Dune gets talked about a lot, Asimov’s Foundation, etc, and Vinge is overlooked. I’ve only found a handful of people who know about his work, though they love it.

          1. Cyclatrol*

            It’s funny about science fiction: there’s sort’ve a ‘surface layer’ that many people are aware of (which is where you find Asimov, Frank Herbert / _Dune_, Ray Bradbury, maybe Robert Heinlein, etc). And then there’s a really huge mass of writers that are well-known amongst ‘fans’ (and I’m not certain that’s the correct word) and that’s where you see Vinge (and Greg Bear and Greg Egan and Greg Benford and Roger Zelazny and Ted Chiang and Frederik Pohl and Poul Anderson and Larry Niven and I’ll stop now) – but these folks don’t seem to be Household Names. That said, if you like Vinge, I think you have excellent taste :)

            It tickles me that in recent years Hollywood seems to be a lot more aware of these ‘hidden’ writers. For instance, _The Arrival_ was based on a Ted Chiang short story; _Altered Carbon_ is an adaptation of the book by Richard K. Morgan; the upcoming _Annihilation_ is taken from the Jeff VanderMeer novel; _True Blood_ from the novels by Charlaine Harris; _The Magicians_; _Game of Thrones_; I could go on but I’ll spare you. And, happily, we seem to be living in an era where television- and film-makers pay a lot of respect to the original source material. There was a time not so long ago when I’d hear about an upcoming movie adaptation of some work and it would cause me actual physical pain. But in recent years it seems like the entertainment biz usually gets it right. I don’t know *why* – but it makes me very happy.

            (FWIW, I’ve met Vinge and he’s everything you’d expect him to be).

    4. Torrance*

      My resolution was actually to read more. Ugh, I’ve been consuming the majority of my media content digitally lately and, aside from the occasional epic fanfiction, that hasn’t included as much reading as I would want. I’ve been rereading some of my favourites, trying to recapture that old magic that reading used to conjure up. (I like words, I’ve missed words.)

      I’m currently in the middle of House of Leaves (Mark Z. Danielewski). I love how much of a mindfudge it can be at times, especially when you pair it with his sister’s album, Haunted.

    5. PickyD*

      I love books! I track mine a few ways.
      – First, because I have a Kindle, I can easily see which books I’ve read by checking online on Amazon.
      – Second, I have a to-do app (Things 3 holla!) with a folder called “Read this!” I list them like this: “Lastname, Firstname: Title of the Book (Recommending person/site)” and then, if I saw the recommendation online, I copy/paste the description into the Notes field so I don’t forget why I wanted it. When I read it, I check off that book. It isn’t deleted; you can unhide your completed list and see the titles you’ve read easily.
      If you decide not to read the book after all — started and hated it, maybe — THEN you should delete it or, if you’re like me, edit it with “HATED!” before the title, then check it off so you never get tricked into trying that book again.
      You can also drag to reorder the books, which I do a lot as a book makes it way higher in the list. I curate it like a Netflix Queue. Not ever list app can do a manual reorder, so if that’s important for you, check to see that it’s available in the app you choose.
      NOTE: Things 3 is not free.
      – Third, I use eReaderIQ (a website) to keep an eye on all the Kindle books I want to read but which are currently too spendy* for me. The site is a little bit of flux right now, but still works perfectly fine for my purposes. When a Kindle title I’m waiting for reaches $3 or less, I get an email notification.
      Hint: To find a book you want to price-watch, just search for it in the main search bar, then add it to your list. Don’t bother doing it other ways; the current issues on the site makes that difficult, and it’s easier to use the search bar anyway.

      1. PickyD*

        I put an asterisk by “spendy,” which is a terrific word I learned when I moved to Minnesota 15 years ago. I can’t guarantee its precise meaning, but it’s usually used as a non-confrontational (perhaps passive-aggressive?) way to say something is expensive.

        Usage: “The Apple Watch seems a little spendy.” “Oh, Kemps Milk is too spendy for me.” “Isn’t that a spendy neighborhood?”

        Minnesotans, feel free to elaborate because I need this word in my life and want to use it correctly!

        1. Sylvan*

          !

          My Southern family uses this. I don’t know where it came from, but yes, it’s like “too expensive” without implying the thing’s overpriced. Minnesotans, is this a thing for you?

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Not from Minnesota, but that is the way I have used the word. You got it. I never thought of it as passive-aggressive, though. I though of it as a wild understatement.

        3. Ktelzbeth*

          Native Minnesotan here. I think expensive can carry overtones of “not truly worth the price/overpriced,” whereas spendy simply means “I can’t afford it now.” It may also just be a sign of being particularly informal in conversation. I never had a passive-aggressive feeling.

    6. Cruciatus*

      I use Goodreads and also good old fashioned index cards. I use the card as my bookmark and then when I’m done I write the author, title, date, and what I thought of the book (usually things like “meh” or “very good!”) and then a brief description of it (sometimes I fail at this part) and I store them all by author in an index card box.

      Also, if you start reading a lot of series books, I recommend fictfact dot com. You can post the book you’ve read and it’ll tell you what the next book is (if it’s out yet) or they will send you an email about the publication date and title of the next book once it becomes available. So if you’re at the library or book store you can just get your phone out and check that site to see what you need to read next. It’s way more efficient than my previous way of doing it–keeping a list in a notebook and trying to remember to periodically go through to see what the next books were to add to my library hold list.

    7. SpiderLadyCEO*

      I have about 17 ways I keep track of things, for various reasons. I write books/author/date finished in my planner, so when I look through my planner and see what I’ve done, I can see all the books I read. I date and timestamp on Goodreads as part of their reading challenge and my ongoing digital record, and I also write them down on my printout of the Popsugar challenge.

      I do Popsugar every year with a group, and we all argue about what is valid and what is not valid, and it’s all great fun. It gets you to read a variety of books, not just the same types, and it also gets you to think about how your books could fit into other categories!

      For recommendations: I just finished Uprooted by Naomi Novik and A Conjuring of Light by V.E. Schwab. Both were brilliant, beautiful, smart fantasies, and I highly recommend. Uprooted is a standalone, and A Conjuring of Light is the third in a trilogy.

    8. kas*

      I can’t keep track of what I read either and often wonder how people can easily suggest books/remember the titles. I read two books last week and I can barely remember the titles or the authors.

    9. Cookie D'oh*

      I’ve been using the Overdrive app to get e-books from the library. It keeps track of what I’ve checked out. Here’s what I’ve recently read and enjoyed:

      The Hate U Give – Angie Thomas
      Sourdough – Robin Sloan
      The Secrets She Keeps – Michael Robotham
      Midwives – Chris Bohjalian
      Close Enough To Touch – Colleen Oakley

    10. Tuna Casserole*

      I’ve set a goal to read 100 books in 2018. I read 7 in January, so I’m going to have to step it up a little. Since 2003, I’ve been keeping a reading list on an Excel spreadsheet. It helps me remember what I’ve read (so I don’t read 2 or 3 chapters then realise I’ve read it before) and I can look back and see which authors and genres I’ve enjoyed and then pick out more books.

      I just finished Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson. An amazing book. My book club just did Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford which was also very good.

    11. RestlessRenegade*

      Another vote for Goodreads! I M a huge reader and a writer, and it helps with so much–cheese track of everything I have read, books I own, books I want to read. I follow people whose opinions I trust and whose tastes are similar to mine, and their reviews help me narrow down what I can realistically buy and read.

      For recommendations: earlier this month I read Fierce Kingdom by Gin Phillips, which is a thriller set inside a zoo. It was very hard to put down! I’m currently reading all the Twilight books for the first time ever, which is…interesting.

    12. The Other Dawn*

      Writing down what I’ve read is such a good idea! (Why the heck did I never think of that??) I read a lot and I have the same issue, that I don’t remember if I read a book or not, even after reading the synopsis.

      At the moment I’m trying to finish Edge of Eternity by Ken Follett (Century trilogy) so I can move on to A Column of Fire, also by Ken Follett and also part of a trilogy.

  18. Pollygrammer*

    Well, I sneezed while I was taking a casserole out of the oven and lost my grip. (Genius that I am, I was only using one oven mitt, so I couldn’t use my other hand to assist.) My reflexes decided the important thing was saving the food and not, you know, avoiding bare skin brushing against a 400 degree pan. This is all to say I now have a huge blistery burn on the side of my hand.

    What are your dumbest injuries?

    1. nep*

      Dropped a weight bench on my foot, not realising I was holding on to an adjustable part.
      Hope your burn will heal well and quickly.

    2. Don't Blame Me*

      Oh nooo. I’m always worried I’ll do something like this because I frequently one-hand it while taking things out of the oven.

      When I was in middle school my friend had a skating party at the local rink. I didn’t know how to skate. I tried to explain that to the rink people but their rule was that everyone in there had to wear skates, so I put them on. Then I had to go to the bathroom. There was this short ramp I had to go down to get to it and I thought I’d be fine if I rolled down it. Nope. Busted my butt on the hard floor, broke my tailbone and sprained my wrist. THEN they let me take the stupid skates off.

    3. CatCat*

      I broke my arm when I ran into a wall while playing racquetball. I didn’t slip, or trip, I literally just ran into the wall with my arm out.

      1. Caro in the UK*

        I did something very similar and snapped my wrist. When I explain it to people they always look at me like I’m some sort of loon… “You ran, into a wall? On purpose?” The shame!

      2. Middle School Teacher*

        A boy in my class ran into the wall during dodgeball. Grade 8 phys ed. Broke both his wrists. At the time we all thought it was hilarious (he did too. He was one of those cute popular boys and had girls falling all over themselves carrying his books).

      3. Phlox*

        I managed not to break anything but I did walk straight into a city wall – the old Greek city defense fortress kind that is very big and obvious. Pretty sure I was dehydrated.

    4. fposte*

      I was sitting on the floor with my legs extending under the front edge of a wooden sofa. Got up without pulling my legs out first. I almost broke my shinbone with the upward pressure against the sofa–I had a huge bruise that lasted forever.

    5. Book Lover*

      Ow ow ow! I hope you are ok :(. And I hope the casserole was good, though I assume it still ended up on the floor, actually? Poor you :(

      1. Book Lover*

        Oh, and I put a scalpel through my finger because I needed something sharp and had one handy and couldn’t be bothered to look for something else.

      2. Pollygrammer*

        Oh, the casserole was fine. Shows where my priorities are! :) And it turned out delicious. If I’d burned my hand and the food, I think I might be exclusively eating takeout for the rest of my life.

        2. LPUK*

          I am always burning myself in the kitchen- most recently on a casserole dish where I removed it fro. The oven using oven gloves… and then lifted the lid with my bare hand. Why? Luckily this is so frequent that I keep a bottle of burnjel right next to the oven, so slathered that all over my palm immediately and didn’t even blister. So yes, burnjel if you don’t already have it

    6. jack*

      I was a very clumsy child:

      – in kindergarten, I tripped over my shoelace and broke my chin open

      – I jammed a bike handle into my eye (no idea how)

      – closed my finer in a car door (5 stitches)

      1. Paquita*

        I had my fingers closed in a car door. I was in the back seat holding the edge of the frame talking to the person standing beside the car. They helpfully slammed the door when we finished, not realizing my hand was there. I calmly asked the girl in the front seat to open the door please. She was like ‘why?’ we are leaving. Uh, my hand is stuck! No stitches, just sore.

    7. Totally Minnie*

      I once sneezed so hard that I pulled a muscle in my rib cage. Try explaining that one to your boss when you’re calling in sick.

        1. SaraV*

          Same with throwing out back, but coughing. Luckily there was a Harry Potter marathon on TV that weekend as I laid flat in bed.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I read where sneezes can come out at 100 mph. This means if we try to suppress a sneeze we can break bones in our face/nose area.

    8. Middle School Teacher*

      As a kid I found a wasp on the ground, so being the doofus 11 year old I was, I decided to use a drinking glass (made of glass) to catch it and move it. I was carrying it up the back steps to the kitchen, tripped, dropped the glass (which broke) and fell on the glass. Four stitches in my forearm. Still have the scar.

      Also: the wasp was already dead, so I did all that for nothing.

    9. Overeducated*

      Ouch, I’m sorry! Hope it heals fast!

      I did something similar once. I was baking bread in a hot Dutch oven, had removed the lid and put it on the stove, and it started sliding off. Instead of just letting it fall, I grabbed the handle. I had a perfectly round burn across my palm for a while, and still remember the 2.5 hour drive I had to make right after with a quickly warming ice pack. It was 5 years ago. So I have so much sympathy for you!

      And on a smaller scale, I just tried to swallow Advil with a cup of hot cuffee. NO. BAD IDEA.

      1. Red Reader*

        I took a Dutch oven out of the oven and set it on the stovetop, turned away to do something else, and turned back and grabbed the handle of the ditch oven to hold it steady while I gave it a stir. Blisters all around the outside edge of my palm and across all four fingers, because the oven had been at 450.

    10. Seal*

      I have several:

      Caught my entire finger in a flat iron while straightening my hair. Had a huge, painful blister along the entire length of my finger that didn’t heal for several weeks.

      Cut my finger with scissors badly enough to need stitches – twice. My family jokes that I only get to use kindergarten safety scissors now.

      Stopped for a stop sign while biking on a street that ran alongside a rail line because there was a car coming. The part of the road where the rail line went across the intersection was not made of concrete like the rest of the road and was, as I discovered the hard way, very slippery. When I stopped, I put my biking shoe-clad foot down on the ground next to the rail. The next thing I knew, my bike and I were on the ground. The car I’d stopped for stopped to see if I was OK. Fortunately, nothing was hurt except my pride.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Hahahah, are you me?

        That reminds me of the time I burned my ear on the curling iron and had a big old scab. And the time I was walking down the street and tripped on my feet suddenly and fell on my face. A woman driving by stopped and yelled “ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?” Soooo embarrassing.

        As a kid, I also cut my finger with scissors, and once I walked so hard into my bedroom door I broke my glasses and gave myself a black eye.

    11. I like French braids*

      I gave myself whiplash at a concert. I cut off a chunk of skin on my finger with some not-very-sharp scissors at work. I broke my finger in middle school by getting it wrapped in a friends shirt. As he ran past I tried to grab him and just got tangled up. Just call me Grace!

    12. the gold digger*

      Slicing fennel with a mandoline after a 16-hour flight back from Dubai. After I had taken melatonin. Which apparently does not agree with me.

      So. Slicing fennel. And then slicing off the tip of my little finger.

      And? Then doing it AGAIN sober a few years later.

      I have a bizarre-looking little finger now.

    13. Turtlewings*

      My older sister: dislocated a rib running into a doorframe

      My younger sister: roller-skated into a wall and got a bruise on her chin that looked just like a soul patch

      My friend in kindergarten: ran into a tree and knocked out a tooth

      I: fell off a very tall seesaw (at the age of 18) and got huge black painful bruises all over my legs and hips and butt, could barely walk for a week.

    14. Alston*

      I fell off a pogo stick (at 25) and broke both wrists (8 or 9 bones)

      Healed up surprisingly well, but man it was a tough having both arms out of coming for a while.

    15. TL -*

      I have burned myself on a stove, on a freshly welded gate, on an autoclave, by mixing microwaved gelatin – that one was impressive; it burned my scalp.

      I have no sense of what is too hot to touch and frequently burn myself through carelessness.

    16. Wannabe Disney Princess*

      Sliced my finger open with a serrated knife.

      I use knives to open bags all the time. Well, after the Cubs won the World Series, I was tired the next morning. So. Instead of SMARTLY walking an extra few steps to grab the not serrated knife, I grabbed the serrated one that was right there. Then proceeded to hold the bag with my finger right in the line of fire. I even thought to myself, “Well. This is stupid.”. Sure enough. Knife slipped. BAM. I’m living a mild version of the Knights Who Say Ni.

      Had to get stitches and everything. Now, I’ve lost feeling in that part of my finger.

    17. D.W.*

      I was cooking and I had just turned one of the burners on my gas stovetop off. I mittened my hand to move to the pot onto a towel and took the same mittened hand to remove the burner cover. I removed all other burner covers as well (which were not hot).

      I removed the oven mitt and cleaned the stovetop. I replaced the burner covers, by without an oven mitt, and when I grabbed the hot burner cover and burned my hand. There was a nice cross-cross burn make on my palm for a long time.

    18. NoMoreMrFixit*

      I’ve got a couple of beauties that I laugh about now but were not funny at the time.

      1. Noticed a repair tech left his soldering iron behind after a service call. I picked it up to put behind the counter. Unfortunately I was distracted and picked it up by the tip. While it was still plugged in and had been sitting there for 15 minutes.

      2. Working in the backyard setting patio stones in place. 3×3. Big ones. Heavy. Especially when it slipped out of my hands and came down directly on my big toe. Managed to not break my foot but badly bruised and it was swollen up instantly. Worst part was I was an organist at the time. Trying to play with a smashed toe was an exercise in pain I never want to experience again.

    19. Oh so anon for this one*

      Going anon here because I have friends who read this blog and this story is pretty unique…

      You know how your parents would ask you “if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it, too?” It’s me. I’m why they ask you that. My friends landed in soft dirt and were all fine, but I happened to land on a large rock and ended up coming down kind of sideways on my ankle. It needed surgery, which I couldn’t afford as a 19 year old fast food worker/college student, so it still gives me trouble to this day almost 20 years later.

    20. Suzy Sunshine*

      I tripped on a branch while running and punched myself in the chin as I fell down. It looked like I had been in a bar fight!

      I once stopped to talk to someone, while I was walking through a door and put my hand on the doorframe, forgetting that the heavy metal door was self-closing. My finger was purple for weeks afterward.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Oh God, I did that doorframe thing at the bowling alley, when our gym class went bowling. It cut the crap out of my finger and I couldn’t bowl! Which was okay with me; I just ate bacon-flavored crisps and played pinball the entire time.

    21. Lily Evans*

      I once rolled my ankle because a marathon of America’s Next Top Model convinced me it would be a good idea to learn to walk in heels and I tripped over a cat toy while I was practicing.

      1. WonderingHowIGotHere*

        I once twisted my ankle during… um… “no clothes fun times” with the hubby. We’re not that adventurous, I just got my foot caught in the duvet in an attempt not to fall out of bed.

        1. Lily Evans*

          Ankles are just so easy to twist wrong. I just remembered another time that I hurt my ankle by falling out of a restaurant booth. It was one of those slightly raised tables, but no alcohol was involved because this was during high school. I limped for weeks (and honestly should have seen a doctor probably).

        2. Stephanie*

          Seconding Lily Evans. I had a sprained for like six weeks…all because I happened to step off a curb incorrectly. You roll it the wrong way and you can be limping forever.

          1. Damn it, Hardison!*

            Yeah, that’s how I ended up in an air cast for 2 months. And how I got together with my husband, so it wasn’t all bad. We were casual acquaintances and I ran into him on the street also in a air cast, and we commiserated.

          2. Elizabeth West*

            Oh hell yes. When I first started skating, I fell and got the heel of my blade caught. I thought I’d broken my ankle. I didn’t–I was back on the ice two weeks later–but it swelled up like a doughnut and turned black. SO GROSS.

          3. Windchime*

            If I remember correctly, this is how Alison broke her ankle a few years ago. Stepping off a curb..

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              Falling backwards off a curb in flip flops :)

              Foot, not ankle. It’s still not 100% recovered and probably will never be (it was a particularly bad injury). I swore off flip flops for a while, but now they have crept back in. But I’m more careful around curbs!

        3. Anonymom*

          I broke my husband’s rib during “no clothes fun time.” He is rather slender, and I was very pregnant and sort of leapt upon him. Totally embarrassing for both of us!

    23. Yetanotherjennifer*

      My most recent was I hurt my back jumping on a trampoline at one of those indoor trampoline parks. I thought I was being brave in trying something new and different, but it turns out those trampolines are extra springy and I wrenched something after only a minute of very gentle bouncing. I also have a scar on my thigh from using a box cutter to open a microwave meal while it was on my lap.

    24. many bells down*

      I once slipped on a banana peel. Ass over teakettle, onto concrete. Plus, I nearly gave my best friend a hernia because she laughed so hard at me.

      Once I tripped over a laundry basket I’d left on the floor and fell into it.

      And once I walked face-first into the edge of the open shower door, which gave me a big line on my face and a black eye. And you can’t tell people “no, really, I walked into a door” without them thinking you need an intervention.

      1. Natalie*

        Useless trivia: the cartoon/comedy trope of slipping on a banana peels comes from vaudeville, where it was a trope as well. And the vaudeville trope comes from real life. In the latter half of the 19th century, as imported fruit like bananas became more widely available in big cities like New York, it combined terribly with the standard custom of just throwing your garbage on the ground. Banana peels actually become slippery as they rot, so slipping on a banana peel was a real thing.

        I’ve done it too, although luckily on asphalt so it didn’t slip far.

      2. Southernbelle*

        I once fell off a folding chair (don’t stand on the edge of a folding chair, self!!) and got asked four times by the allergy nurses if I needed to talk to someone about my husband? Did I feel safe? No, really, nurse, I fell off a chair and whacked myself on another chair. Why? Oh, I was trying to hang a gourd in my sukkah…

    25. Nancie*

      Recently, it was standing up very suddenly and seemingly with all my strength, after cleaning the litter boxes. When the litter boxes live under the stairs and have for no less than 12 years.

      I’m pretty sure I managed a minor concussion with that maneuver.

      1. Lore*

        I did that into a cupboard that’s above and next to my desk. Always there yet somehow I stood up into it with such force that I gashed my scalp open. Which I didn’t realize till I looked down and saw the trail of blood. No concussion but blood everywhere!

    27. anon24*

      I was getting into my car and smacked the side of my head into the roof. I saw stars and then everything went black for a second until the door slammed into the other side of my head. A week later I finally went to the ER and found out I had a nice concussion :)

    28. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I tripped over the edge of a rug and gave myself whiplash – go to the emergency room, get a neck stabilizer, and lots of pain killers whiplash. Oh, and last year I put my hand down on my glass stove top (oh, how I loathe it) right where my husband had just been cooking. My fingerprints were seared into the cooktop. After 5 hours with many ice packs I had to go to the emergency room for topical pain relief cream and a bunch of Percocet. Surprisingly, only second degree burns, so no blistering, but the unrelenting pain was horrible. It was a good three days before they stopped stinging.

    29. Mimmy*

      Oooh owwww!!! I hope your burn heals quickly!

      Geez, where do I begin with my dumb injuries?? I am very clumsy, probably due to a lack of depth perception, I am always slipping, tripping, bumping into things or otherwise leaving a mark of some kind on myself. My knees have probably gotten it the most.

      My dumbest injuries, however, are the two times I sprained my ankle in middle school:
      1. Dancing to an MTV music video – I wasn’t even doing anything fancy; I think I’d just landed wrong.

      2. I did the long jump as part of track-and-field, and twisted my ankle just stepping out of the jump pit. No fricken idea how I managed that.

      By the way, ya’ll are making me both cringe and giggle at your stories!

      1. Daisy*

        Ha ha ha! This totally sounds like me :) I also find random bruises all the time and have no idea how they happened.

        My funniest injury has to be the time I was walking through a car park with a friend of mine, got distracted by talking (regular occurrence), slipped on a wet patch (it had been raining) and went face first into the tail light of a parked car. The car was fine, my front tooth was not. I went 3 days with a jagged, half tooth until I could get to the dentist to fix it. The funniest part was the total silence right after it happened when my friend and I just stared at each other until I spat half my tooth into my hand.

    30. Middle School Teacher*

      Also, in September 2016 I burned my arm on the iron. I had a nice triangular burn for a couple of months. Still have the scar for that too!

      1. Damn it, Hardison!*

        That reminds me of the time I burned my arm on an iron, covered it with a large gauze patch and tape, and then a few days later ripped the bandage off, leaving a huge bruise surrounding the burn.

    31. SaraV*

      I was lying on my side on the couch watching TV. Husband was on his way back from picking up food from a drive-thru. In front of the couch, near my feet, was a small, very portable side table we had, and then on top of that was one of our taller drinking glasses. My husband got home and gently kicked at the door to let him in (since he had full hands).

      I start to sit up with my eyes and body still facing the TV, but start lifting my leg up in a way so that I don’t knock the glass or table over…did I mention I’m 6′ with abnormally long thighs?

      I kneed myself in the eye.

      I yelped “Ow!”, and then just started laughing at the absurdity of it all…while my husband stands on the other side of the door, wondering what the heck is going on. I dunno if my husband believed me at first that I had done that to myself.

      I have to admit…I was scared I was going to have a black eye and having to explain how that happened. Luckily, no black eye.

    32. Sylvan*

      Oh no! Those huge burns seem like they would be so painful.

      About once a year, I tap my right wrist on a heated oven rack. Every time, I think I’ll be very careful and never do it again.

      The quarter-sized collection of little burn scars on my wrist says: No, you’ll be careful, and then you’ll get cocky and think you can reach into the oven without playing oven-racks-are-made-of-lava.

    33. Stormy*

      Got stuck in the bedsheet, got angry in my grogginess, yanked the sheet like hell, punched myself in the face.

    34. Notthemomma*

      In college i had a heavy rolling, solid wood closet door that I swung shut and broke my left middle finger. Blood swelled up under the nail too, it was a mess!! So with my two middle fingers taped in bright white bandage tape, I had to hold my hand fingers up to keep it from throbbing.

      Two weeks of giving everyone including professors, boss, coworkers the finger.

    36. anon24*

      I read this list to my husband and he asked that I add his dumb injury. Earlier this week he was using a screwdriver as a pry bar and it slipped and the handle smacked him above his eye and split his eyebrow open.

    37. kas*

      I’m not accident prone so the only scar I think I have involved the oven. I was taking food out of the oven and turned my head to look at something and my arm hit the top of the oven. It’s been about 10 years and I still have the scar.

    38. First time buyer*

      I broke my leg falling over a soccer ball.
      I broke my thumb swimming
      I split my head open getting into bed
      I broke my big toe falling off a bike

    39. First time buyer*

      There was a guy called Brian Harvey from a band called east 17. He ran himself over with his own car while he was driving it.

    40. Cruciatus*

      Some of these are just unlucky accidents, some were dumb accidents.
      -Ski pole through my upper leg when I was 7 (was very lucky).
      -Chipped all my front teeth by kneeling on a skateboard and when it hit the floor of the garage I just went down, teeth first. I had only had my adult teeth for a short while and to this day I wonder what I would look like with my full-sized teeth.
      -Broke my arm when another kid ran over it with a sort of tricycle in preschool. Don’t remember what I was even doing at the time to cause this.
      -Fractured toes in multiple ways. One was “surfing” down a metal slide and I hit the rock/sand stuff the wrong way. Another time I slipped on the tile in the humid downstairs and slide my foot into the weight bench.
      -Had a roommate who for God knows what reason stored baking sheets in the oven. I had preheated the oven and went to put in my thing and realized the sheet was in there and just…grabbed it. Ouch.
      -I have a habit of opening and closing a door with the same hand and some wind must have helped slam the door faster than usual and it slammed on my finger. I then did the same exact thing with the same finger hours later. OMG.
      -Was playing Frisbee in a backyard and fell over the bricks that mark where the stairwell going down to the lower level of the house was. Pretty much fell face first (I guess I must have a pretty tough face with all the trauma I’ve caused it) about 5 feet. But, caught the Frisbee.
      Most of these were when I was younger than 10, but not all. I’ve grown out of the unlucky accident prone stuff a bit, but still have my dumb injuries on occasion. And these are just the highlights.

    41. Stephanie*

      Some (ok, a lot) of alcohol was involved in this: I got home fine, tripped and fell on the floor. I had hardwood floors and my front teeth hit the hardwood. No chips or anything…but one of my front teeth starting turning gray. Yup…I needed a root canal. The root canal ended up not being that bad, but I was kind of self-conscious for a while that my front teeth weren’t the same color. I think it’s just something only I see–I’ve pointed out to people in this big moment of vulnerability like “I’M SO SELF CONSCIOUS ABOUT MY TEETH” and everyone is like “I have no clue what you’re talking about.”

    42. Regular going anon for this...*

      Um, not an injury, per se, but an embarrassing mishap. I was visiting my close friend and his boyfriend and I unexpectedly started my period. Two men living together…there were no feminine products in the house. So I figured I would just make do and make a makeshift tampon out of toilet paper (sigh, you may see where this is going).

      My friend had to go to work, so I was going to hang out with his boyfriend for the afternoon. I’m like “I need to stop by CVS.” I get some replacement tampons and then go to swap out the makeshift one. Well, since it was toilet paper, it ripped and I couldn’t get the other half out. I come out the bathroom like “I need to go to urgent care.” “Um, are you okay? Do you need to go the ER?” I’m like “Ummmm, no. But urgent care sooner rather than later.” I could tell he was getting concerned, so I just gave up and sort of said what happened (high-level). I should point out…we had just met like three days ago. He laughed like “Oh God, I’m sorry. But I’m glad it wasn’t something worse.”

      So we went to urgent care and just kind of hung out and chatted while I waited. In the waiting room, he was like “Well, this is a hilarious origin story to our friendship.”

    43. Lujessmin*

      Slipped on a throw rug as I was racing from my bedroom to my front porch to find out why my cat was screaming (another cat just outside the enclosed front porch). Cracked a bone near my elbow. Hurt like the dickens.

    44. Fiddlesticks*

      Gave myself a HORRENDOUS burn from a big splash of bacon fat while cooking hungover brunch. Had to have my entire left forearm wrapped aggressively, and spent the next few weeks getting pulled aside by various coworkers trying to oh-so-sensitively ask me if everything was okay. I was torn between being touched by their concern and enjoying the mixed embarrassment and you-gotta-laugh feeling from having to say, “Thank you so much for your concern but I just burned the crap outta myself trying to cook bacon.”

    45. Minta*

      Was ironing a complicated piece of clothing that kept wanting to slip off the ironing board. Had to keep ironing tiny folds, which meant picking up the iron, putting it down, moving from one side of the board to the other. Was holding the garment in place with my right hand and reached for the iron with my left without looking. Grabbed the hot plate instead of the handle. :-|

    46. Emily*

      In kindergarten I ran into the jungle gym (just…was not paying enough attention to where I was going) and bruised a tooth.

      Recently, I hit myself in the face with a car door.

      1. Paquita*

        Ooh I hit myself in the face with a hoe handle. Playing in the neighbors yard, stepped on the blade part, handle popped up and whap! Neighbor’s father saw the whole thing and just laughed.

        1. Emily*

          Oh, ouch! That sounds unpleasant (and also a little bit cartoon-ish, like slipping on a banana peel).

    47. Tris Prior*

      At my retail job a few years ago, ran face-first into a display rack and gave myself a nasty black eye (which was actually RED to start with, so that was lovely). I was working alone, DESPERATELY had to pee, but the store was full of customers, so I couldn’t leave. As soon as the last customer left I bolted for the ladies’ without looking where I was going.

      Sprained ankle landing wrong after a cartwheel, as a kid. Sprained same ankle tripping over a curb in my early 20s. Damn ankle STILL gives me trouble.

      Grabbed a canning ring that was sitting on my stove, with bare hands. Didn’t realize that it was hot from being next to the burner. Got blistering burn on my fingers.

      Was hand-washing a glass, with my hand holding the sponge totally inside it. Glass had a crack in it that I didn’t see, and shatters with my hand inside it. I probably should’ve gotten stitches, or at least had it looked at, but I neosporin’ed the hell out of it and wrapped it up. The scar’s finally starting to fade, 20 or so years later…

    48. KayEss*

      Thankfully didn’t result in injury, but the dumbest thing I ever did that conceivably could have killed me was trying to change a lightbulb in an outdoor post light at my parents’ house… the dead bulb broke off when I tried to remove it, and I just kind of stared at the still-socketed base and tried to remember my high school physics lessons about electricity. Looked up and down the deserted suburban street and thought, “Well, what’s the worst that could happen if I just poked the exposed filament to see if it’s getting current?” (Death or serious injury, with no one around to call for aid.)

      Poked it and got a bright little zap. Slunk back inside in shame.

    50. Introverted introvert*

      It was junior high and I was standing with my legs crossed and literally fell over, flat on my face. It was the morning and we were waiting to go inside, so everyone saw it and laughed. I swear someone bumped into me from behind and knocked me over, but I can’t prove it. It hurt and was majorly embarrassing.

    51. Elizabeth West*

      Owwww burns are the worst! :{

      I laid my eyebrow open when the door of a phone booth I was in got stuck and wouldn’t open. The booth was in my college apartment complex parking lot. I pulled on it really hard and it flew off the track and bashed into my face. An elderly couple were in their car outside, and when I staggered all bloody out of the booth, they took off like the Hound of the Baskervilles was on their heels. Thanks for your help, folks!

      I went to my apartment and got a towel and then went to the office to report it. The maintenance man took me to the emergency room to get stitches. The phone booth door had been only semi-operative for weeks, and they’d called the phone company several times, but nobody ever fixed it. I wrote the phone company a letter and they paid my entire ER bill and took the booth out and replaced it with a stand-alone pay phone on a pole.

      Oh yeah, and this was two days before the opening of a play I was in. My director took one look at my bandaged eyebrow and shrieked, “WHY COULD YOU NOT DO THIS AFTER WE CLOSED!?!” LOL

      1. Elizabeth West*

        OH YEAH how could I forget this one?

        Small glass bowl on the floor near the bottom cabinet that we fed the kitties treats in. We’d been told to pick it up. We didn’t.
        Running into the room on a just-mopped linoleum floor to answer the phone.
        Slipped.
        Foot slammed the bowl into the side of the cabinet, breaking it, and cut the sole of my foot and between my big and second toes wide open. As in, you could see inside my foot.
        It was my mum on the phone; I grabbed a kitchen towel, wrapped it around, answered the phone, and said, “Come home now, I’m bleeding!”

        Guess who was on crutches for her senior prom and graduation? Yep, this girl.

    52. Mimmy*

      Actually, I just remembered my most recent dumb injury, which actually could’ve been serious:

      Back in early November, I was running to the bathroom, and my pajama bottoms weren’t fully pulled up. Slipped on the floor and fell head first. Instantly got a GIANT goose egg and the resulting bump is still there (much, much smaller and not even visible, but it’s still a bit uncomfortable). I also got horribly black eyes that lasted for a couple of weeks. Amazingly, only a couple of people at work noticed and didn’t make it a big deal – I was waiting for someone to get all panicky and send me home or urge me to get medical attention.

      I did go to my primary doctor when the bump hadn’t gone down after a couple of weeks, but in hindsight, I wish I’d asked for an x-ray–I wouldn’t be surprised if I gave myself a hairline skull fracture.

    53. Ktelzbeth*

      Early in triathlon season, a season I escaped with no other injuries (that year). I broke my pinkie toe kicking the leg of a bench in the gym locker room.

    54. Colette*

      I broke my ankle in 2016, and finally was close to the end of physio – I got the “you’re doing well, let’s go 3 months between visits and then we’ll discharge you”. 12 hours later, I sprained my ankle while standing still. (Some snow collapsed under me and I rolled it.)

    55. blackcat*

      I once did something very similar, but worse. Pan slipped, I GRABBED THE PAN WITH THE PALM OF MY HAND and held tight, neatly placing the pan down before realizing that the burning smell was not the food. It was my flesh.

      I burnt a hole in my hand. I could see the singed tendons, uncovered, surrounded by a ring of blackened flesh. Somehow my fingers escaped mostly unharmed, with second degree burns, but the palm was straight up third degree burnt to the core.

      I have never been in pain like that before. Went to the doctor. Was told that it was just going to hurt like a mofo for weeks. I couldn’t sleep because of the pain. I came to understand why they put patients in burn units in medically induced comas. And changing my bandages made me want to puke, half due to pain and half due to SEEING THE INSIDE OF MY HAND. Ewwwwww. (in retrospect, I am super cranky that my medical care did not involve either pain pills or a follow up. Basically, I was given a sheet on wound care and signs of infection and sent on my way. Oh, and they told me to drink gatorade and a ton of water since burns leak tons of fluid.)

      On the plus side, the healed super well and I barely have a scar (rubbing and stretching the flesh as it heals HURTS but really helps). But damn, that was stupid. And gross. Really gross.

    56. blaise zamboni*

      I used a dolly to move some heavy bags of soil, but I guess forgot how dollies work, so I was kinda bent over the dolly and setting the soil down…yeah, gravity took over and the handle of the dolly smacked me square in the middle of my forehead. My only concussion in adult life, and it left a goose-egg with circular ridges from the handle. Very becoming.

      There was also the time that I tried to drag a boyfriend out of my bed (playfully in the morning, he had ‘pushed’ me out first to make breakfast). It was summer so there was a fan set up on the ground facing the bed, and me squared away in front of it tugging with all of my might. My sweaty hands eventually just slipped right off of him and I crashed ass-first into the fan, and couldn’t sit right for the rest of the day.

      My dumbest, and worst, injury happened while playing a too-competitive round of Slap (aka Egyptian Ratscrew–a card game where slapping the stack of cards can give an advantage). A friend and I both slapped at the same time, so quickly that the actual train of events is fuzzy, but the end result was definitely that ~60% of my middle fingernail bent back over itself. I remember feeling very serene while I pushed the nail back into place and bandaged it, and then I absolutely fell apart. Even now, 8 years later, I can feel little phantom pains when I think of it. That was some of the sharpest pain of my life.

      1. Lady Jay*

        Whoo, I did something like the dolly injury! I was demonstrating the butterfly stroke to my parents in a public pool, brought my arms up and around for a new stroke, and as I came down – bashed my forehead against the concrete side of the pool.

        Somehow it didn’t even break skin, but it hurt so bad.

        I haven’t been very enthusiastic about perfecting the butterfly since then.

    57. Lady Jay*

      I tried to chop green onions on my hand (I guess I thought they were soft enough, like bananas, and I could just stop when I got through? It was not a well thought-through decision!) and sliced into my forefinger. Blood *everywhere* but thankfully the wound wasn’t too deep; a Band-Aid was sufficient.

      I broke my pinkie when my childhood horse ran me under a tree. He spooked (he was afraid of plastic bags and one was bouncing about in his line of sight), darted off suddenly, and ran under the pear tree on our yard; it’s lowest branches are maybe 3ish feet high? I was flattened against his back, over the top of the saddle, and while I didn’t fall off, my nose and pinkie were damaged. We were initially more worried about the nose, but it wasn’t a problem. Yet to this day I cannot fully bend or straighten my right pinkie finger.

    58. S’mores Poptarts Are The Best*

      Burnt my hand karate chopping my pop tart.

      The school nurse really did try not to laugh at me.

    59. Blue Eagle*

      Haven’t read the comments, but the best way to immediately reduce a heat-caused blister is to keep a big jar of pickle juice in your refrigerator and immediately immerse the blistered area in the cold pickle juice for about a half an hour. It works wonders. In high school I worked at a hamburger joint and did something stupid that resulted in a hot grease burn all along my fore-arm. My co-worker immediately got the 5 gallon bucket of sliced pickles out of the back frig and immersed my fore-arm in the bucket. Took it out about 20 minutes later and the blister reduced to nothing – no scar, no evidence of blister, no nothing. Have used pickle juice over the years on various burns for other people too with good results.

      NOTE: room temperature pickle juice does not work, it must be cold.

    60. LAM*

      My phone charger ended up underneath me when I was sitting on the bed. I lifted myself up to pull the cord out, lost my balance and smashed my face into the window sill. Ended up with a black eye and a broken nose. The bruising took almost two weeks to fade. Luckily I was out on PTO for that first week anyways, so when I returned to work it was light enough to cover with make up.

      I also once accidentally set a wooden chopstick on a oven burner that was still on. Instinct said to snatch the chopstick off the burner with my hand, grabbing it in the middle that was on the burner. My thumb turned black on the side.

    61. Ellen Ripley*

      Oh man, so many. When recovering from pneumonia I pulled muscles in my back coughing, and burst the blood vessels in my eyes doing the same. Also got red eye from puking with a particularly bad case of stomach flu (probably norovirus). Burns from the stove, the oven, and hot containers. I always seem to do something ill advised when I do hot water bath canning. When I was in college I took a class in making scientific glassware and scorched the heck out of my fingertips even though I was wearing protective gloves; they’ve never really been the same. When I was a teenager, tore a gash through the inside of my forearm with a nail head that was hanging inside my closet for hanging scarves or something; I still have a visible scar many years later. Caught a window fan that was falling out of a window and opened up the side of my knuckle on my index finger; that scar is still visible too.

      The injury that impacted me the most, and that was completely my own fault, was when I fell during a bootcamp class – we were running in pairs with an exercise band between our torsos, the trailing person trying to slow down the leading person. Somehow I tripped and landed first straight on my knee. No joint damage as it turned out, but so much swelling and bruising that it took me basically a month to get back to normal. I managed to drive home before the swelling got too bad, which was good because it swelled up so much around the knee that I couldn’t bend my leg for the first few days and needed assistance to get up and down the stairs. Then a couple weeks of the most epic bruising I’ve ever seen in my life, all the colors of the rainbow.

    62. C*

      I once broke my ankle getting out of bed in the morning. Literally the first step I took broke my ankle because my ankle had partially dislocated during the night (connective tissue disorder).

    63. Jules the First*

      Well, there was the day I gave myself a second-degree concussion walking into a lamp post (I was trying to identify a duck…)…on my way home from the stables. So I had to do the walk of shame into ER in riding gear, explain that I had hit my head, and then the ER doc insisted on seeing my riding helmet (to see how much damage I might have done). So now I had to confess that my helmet was undamaged because I was nowhere near a horse when the concussion happened. ER doc gave me strict instructions on concussion care, wrote me a note to book me off work for the next few days (I do nothing by halves when it comes to klutzhood), and then handed back my pristine helmet with a deadpan suggestion that I consider wearing it more often.

      Or there’s the day that I broke both big toes in ten minutes by getting them caught in the doors of a city bus at subsequent stops (note to self…when the left hand back door on the bus opens inward, so does the right hand one….)

      Or heck, just this morning, I lost my balance in a yoga class (just a simple downward dog, people!) and dislocated my left thumb. (Plus a few bruises and a smashed nail…)

      Klutzes the world over feel your pain (both physical and humiliational…)

    64. gwar*

      So, I have a scar on my right hand. I told everyone I burned myself on my bedside lamp (repurposed halogen desk lamp) reaching absentmindedly for a bottle of water.
      I was actually waving my arms around pretending to be an underwater model while watching a video on Buzzfeed.

  19. harley*

    Hi everyone! I just wanted to give an update on the whole dog situation, now that Sam’s had a chance to settle in! There were a few hiccups over the last week or so, like getting him used to being crated (the shelter didn’t know if he’d ever been in one before, but I left him gated in the kitchen one day and he basically Tazmanian Deviled it, including ruining a full Costco pack of toilet paper by shredding and dumping the rolls in the water dishes, I was actually a little impressed by how thorough the destruction was) and general pack order stuff. Plus, no, you can’t use my bed as a springboard to tackle your new sister from halfway across the room, she will give you what for and I won’t feel sorry for you. I think he’s a little younger than two, he’s got a lot of puppy behaviors going on and his teeth still have those ridges. But all in all, it continues to be wonderful. :) He’s put on weight and patrols the fenceline alongside Winona (aka Little Miss Neuroses) and it turns out he IS housebroken. He sleeps on the bed now, he’s an aggressively persistent cuddler at night, and I didn’t realize how much I missed having a dog who liked that kind of thing, since Winona’s the kind who’ll give kisses and then settle in at the foot of the mattress, and I haven’t experienced it since my first dog passed. They continue to play all day every day, and Winona has gone from pacing and crying and wailing at everything to generally sounding like a friendly leafblower — I think maybe it’s a German Shepherd thing, but that girl is LOUD. I have pictures, naturally:

    Sam posing like the most refined dog in the land: https://instagram.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/vp/26183568_1547801368660939_2615369061579620352_n.jpg

    The two of them sharing my bed: https://instagram.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/vp/26264287_2076914619262255_5879954075268677632_n.jpg

    And the two of them sharing WInona’s bed: https://instagram.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/vp/26872322_329398394233154_298531168016400384_n.jpg

  20. Rental fun*

    We just moved into our rental house. In the middle of the house is the stairwell to the basement. There’s a door at the bottom, but not at the top, and cold air is rolling up! The doorway opens into a small hallway. Our heating bill is going to be insane! Any ideas on how to ameliorate this?

    1. Pollygrammer*

      De-draft the downstairs door as much as possible. Maybe hanging a thick curtain over the upstairs doorway would help, at least a little? Blackout curtains do wonders for the drafts from my single-pane windows.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yep, we did a heavy wooly blanket on a tension rod over the doorway when I was a kid. Made an incredible difference. Weather stripping around the lower door, heavy curtain in the upper doorway should do the trick.

    2. Natalie*

      Could you put up a heavy curtain that blocks the doorway? That’s what restaurants without alcoves here do in the winter.

      1. fposte*

        Yes, that’s what I had in my old apartment, too, in a similar stairway situation. You can just put up a tension rod at the top of the stairway if there’s an issue with screwing in brackets.

        1. the gold digger*

          That’s what we used to do in the basement when we watched TV. There is a door at the top of the stairs but not at the bottom. We put a tension rod in the downstairs door and threw a blanket over it so all the heat from the space heater didn’t float away.

          Now I just drape the blanket over the space heater and myself. I stay all toasty and the cats love the spa. Anytime they hear me turn on the TV, they run downstairs and fight over who gets to sit on top of the blanket-covered space heater.

      2. HannahS*

        Yeah, I was just going to say that. In an absolute pinch, you could also just nail a blanket over the doorway.

    3. I like French braids*

      Maybe you can put weather stripping around the door and frame. It’s very cheap at Lowe’s or Home Depot. And a heavy curtain at the top of the stairs.

    4. Lynn*

      Weatherstripping around the basement door, and if it’s just a regular hollow core door, hang an insulating curtain over it too. Then another curtain at the top of the stairs. If that’s still not enough, you can hang tapestries or curtains down the sides of the stairwell (this was the thing that finally helped in one rental where it was an old school uninsulated cellar down there).

    5. Damn it, Hardison!*

      If the cold air seems to be coming from a gap at the bottom of the door, look for a draft protector at a home repair store (like Home Depot or Lowes) or on Amazon. It’s a tube-shaped thing that you put up against the bottom of the door to stop drafts. A rolled up towel can do the trick too.

    6. Stephanie*

      I made a choking noise when I got last month’s heating bill. I flew to Europe from the East Coast for only slightly less. :(

      (I live in a schemdium apartment, btw.)

    7. Windchime*

      I second the idea of the tension rod at the top of the stairs. My old house had partially-finished but unheated basement and there was no door at either end of the staircase. We installed a baseboard heater in the basement, but then we also hung a heavy curtain at the top of the stairs and that made a huge difference.

  21. Overeducated*

    I don’t have the official flu (I assume), but my kid brought home some kind of virus from day care last week and I am STILL sick enough to be missing work and being home by myself while my husband takes the kid somewhere fun. At what point do you go to the doctor to make sure it isn’t turning into some kind of infection? A week? Ten days? Two weeks? (Don’t get me started on how high deductible health insurance plans change that calculation….)

    This is the sickest winter I can remember having in many years. Have others been getting sick repeatedly as well? Is this bad luck or a larger trend?

    1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      I usually wait about a week to ten days for things to get better on their own and then consider going to the doctor.

      I don’t know if it’s a larger trend (other than the flu vaccine not aligning well with the flu virus that became prevalent), but I was sick all of October and again for two weeks over December/January, so it’s definitely the sickest I’ve been in years. Ugh.

      1. Overeducated*

        You’ve been hit too and we’re not even in the same country! I’m sorry, hope rest of winter is healthier.

    2. Laura H*

      The Crud (any number of various ick with coughs, noses to blow and sneezes to sneeze) is also rampant.

      I go to the doc as soon as I can, lest the snot monster become something else. Or if I can’t decisively say “cold or allergies”.

      Good luck and rest up.

      1. Overeducated*

        Thanks. There are many varieties of Crud this year, I think. Enough that the only mildly to moderately sick are being told to stay out of doctor’s offices on case they get exposed to worse!

    3. Book Lover*

      There isn’t anything that can be done about a virus except rest, Tylenol, fluids. I would go in if you think you are developing a sinus infection (even then usually wait two weeks as most are viral anyhow) or having trouble with breathing in a way that might suggest bronchitis (again, usually viral but might need an inhaler) or pneumonia.

      1. Overeducated*

        That’s why I am not going yet, I don’t want to drive all the way and pay against my giant deductible just to be told to drink water…but I have been prone to sinus infections in the past, and my head doesn’t feel like it’s clearing up much a week in. I can try to stick it out another week to be sure though. Thank you!

        2. Red Reader*

          See if your insurance has either a nurse hotline (more common on HMOs) or covers video visits – both options for “I don’t know if this is worth going to the doctor and coughing all over the waiting room” situations. Also, the hospital system I work for does video visits that are $49 without insurance and generally lower for people with, once all the processing is done. I did one at one point when I knew I had a tooth infection, I just needed abx to get me through til my dental appt the following week and both my dentist and my regular doc were closed for long weekends. (They both had kids getting married, but not to each other. Hah.) ten minutes on the equivalent of FaceTime or Skype, and my prescription was called into my pharmacist of choice.

    4. fposte*

      Trouble breathing at the chest level would send me in ASAP; I’d go if a sore throat became seriously painful in a strep-like way. Other than that, there’s no real rush because, as Book Lover says, most of these things are self-limiting anyway even if they are bacterial. If I had a really painful earache I might go; I’ve gone in hope of symptomatic relief for nighttime with a horrible cough (codeine was a failure). I’m pretty good at staving off sinus trouble these days.

      I might also call the nurse, rather than going on, just on “this thing’s dragging on for 10 days–are you seeing that around right now?” principles. But I think most of the time it’s just that we’re lucky in usually experiencing viruses that resolve quickly and we’ve finally got one of the kind that just doesn’t.

      1. Overeducated*

        Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it. Fortunately nothing requiring emergency care, just discomfort. I will definitely call the nurse’s line before going in, but I’ll wait until later in the week, it sounds like.

        What are your sinus clearing tips? Hot drinks and spicy food usually help me but they’re having no effect!

        Maybe it is just luck that most viruses don’t last this long. This is the first time one has impacted my work, ability to maintain the house, play with my kid, etc. so much. It has made me reflect on disability and “spoon theory” again, since even a week of not having the energy to do my normal stuff hints at what a huge adjustment it would take to live with as a permanent state. So much of health is luck.

        1. fposte*

          For sinuses, saline rinse/neti pot, Afrin, and NSAID. I’m really prone to them trying to close up so I get in fast; it’s easier to prevent than to undo.

          1. AvonLady Barksdale*

            Second this. Last week I had a 5-day sinus headache and it was just miserable. I’m on Flonase, which is great and all, but it’s terribly dry here and the Flonase alone didn’t cut it. I’m doing a saline nose spray daily plus I deep-cleaned the humidifier. I hope you feel better!

    5. Ktelzbeth*

      Besides what people have mentioned, the other time I think about going in is if I have definitely started getting better and then get worse again.

    7. FrontRangeOy*

      It’s part of a larger trend, I think. Most of my local friends group has taken to referring to it as the respiratory plague – it’s not the flu, has similar symptoms, takes absolutely forever to get over.

      I got it the 2nd week of December, tried to push it away for two weeks, and then got amazingly remarkably sick during my mid winter off period from what we don’t talk about on weekends ;-) Here we are 7 weeks later, and I still have a grody cough and sound like I’m on the verge of loosing my voice.

    8. LilySparrow*

      This is definitely the sickest winter we’ve had in a long time. None of us had flu, but the kids burned up all their excused absences in first semester, and now they can’t miss without a doctor’s note.

      My personal decision tree on taking myself to the Dr is:
      Fever over 101-102 for over 48 hrs (I run cold, so that’s 1 degree higher for normal people)
      Vomiting +24h or with severe headache+fever.
      Severe pain in ears or throat, streaks of pus in throat.
      Any fever + bright yellow or green snot after midmorning, or with bad sinus headache that the neti pot doesn’t help.
      A head cold that moves into my chest and stops there, cough the same or getting worse after 2-3 days.
      Painful cough, or burning or pressure in my chest.
      Those are pretty reliable signs for me that it’s bacterial or that an opportunistic bacterial infection has joined the party.
      If I’m pretty sure it’s just a crapvirus, I’ll give it 7-10 days if I’m still getting worse, or 2-2.5 weeks if I’m lingering and can’t shake it.

      If I am getting better and then suddenly get dramatically worse, that’s a doctor visit, too.

  22. CatCat*

    On Saturday mornings, I like to sip my coffee on the couch, reconcile my financial accounts, and schedule bill payments. I genuinely enjoy this task. No idea why. It makes me feel calm and in control. But I know some people hate having to go through finances. I think my spouse would rather have his teeth pulled. (Thank goodness he seems to get a similar mental fulfillment from washing dishes because I hate that task!)

    Are there household tasks that you really enjoy and that don’t feel like a chore for you?

    1. nep*

      Washing dishes.
      I also like going through papers and things over coffee on the weekend — not rushed, just taking the time to catch up.

      1. Talvi*

        +1 washing dishes! It’s not unusual for me to wash my dishes… and then do whatever dishes my roommates hadn’t gotten to washing yet as well.

    2. fposte*

      Hey! That’s my Saturday morning too. Update the weekly budget inputs, do the bills, and, if it’s the end of a quarter, update the spreadsheets, all while I enjoy my weekly bottle of frappuccino. I have a nice Pandora station playing or I’m catching up on radio/podcasts. I’m a little wistful at how fast it goes since I trimmed my spending down for a bit, so I really look forward to the end of the quarter.

      I do a lot of weekend work but it’s not allowed Saturday morning.

    3. OperaArt*

      Organizing. Closets, cabinets, drawers, the refrigerator…
      This is proving to be useful as my 83-year-ild mother steadily gets rid of things and we organize the remainder to be more useful for her.
      Probably could have been a professional organizer.

        1. The New Wanderer*

          Me too. I can’t always motivate myself to do it, but when it happens it’s so rewarding!

        2. Anonymom*

          Yep. It’s a reward for me. I should KonMari other people’s houses. Just did the linen closet – all the towels are white, folded the same way, folds facing out. TP stocked. Sheets folded and stacked by bed size. Extra pillows washed and Space Bagged. I made laminated labels for the shelves and thought about instagramming it.

      2. Damn it, Hardison!*

        I’ve convinced my husband to visit my mother-in-law for a week this summer, without me. I’m going to take the same vacation time and do the mother of all purges on my house and then organize every space that’s been bugging me (I’m looking at you, kitchen). I am looking forward to it so very, very much.

    4. Kerbs*

      Grocery shopping! When I was in college I really loved to grocery shop after my last class on Fridays. Planning my weekly menu and then making my grocery list was always fun. I don’t know why but it’s very zen for me.

      1. Overeducated*

        Yes, meal planning for me too – but I think of that more as the “fun” part, the shopping as more of the “work” part. I used to enjoy it more but now time is more limited, it only feels fun when we go to a specialty ethnic store or something.

      2. Myrin*

        Yes, I love me some good grocery shopping! Seriously, I don’t mean “oh, I don’t mind it”, I actively like it and am looking forward to doing it!

      3. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Me too! My grocery routine is so crucial to my week. Every Sunday, I go to the farmer’s market and buy my vegetables and fruit, then I go to the supermarket. I love it. Not a ton of people, the employees all know me. My boyfriend signed up for a class on Sunday mornings and because we only have one car, it seriously messed up my zen. But now I just go to the supermarket at 8:30 am.

        Then I get home and do kitchen things. I hard boil eggs, I put things up to pickle, I organize the kitchen. Feels so good.

      5. Parenthetically*

        Yes yes yes yes yes. I adore meal planning and grocery shopping. So satisfying to fill up an empty fridge knowing all the deliciousness that will come out of it during the week!

    6. Turtlewings*

      I’ve found that as an adult, I really don’t mind most household chores. (Except dishes. Man, I freaking hate dishes.) Laundry, toilet-scrubbing, organizing my stuff, whatever — if I’m doing it because *I* chose to do it, because *I* wanted it to get done, I don’t mind at all. It’s much preferable to living in filth. As a kid, I hated all chores with the fires of hell, so this is a big change!

      And yeah, I’ve always loved fiddling around with my finances! It feels so good to put all the money where it needs putting!

      1. Merci Dee*

        ~sneaks a few loads of my freshly -washed laundry next to your chair as an enticement~

        Putting away laundry is the one chore I hate the most. I’d rather do literally anything else than that one.

          1. Merci Dee*

            I would totally pay you. And then we’d have to share biscuits and tea to celebrate a week’s worth of laundry that’s done and put away.

        2. Aluminosilicate*

          Ug. When I lived alone I stored clean clothes in the dryer a lot. Like others here I do love the finances. I make spreadsheets and graphs, and find it relaxing.

      2. Windchime*

        I actually love my work-at-home days because my laundry gets all caught up. And I love taking the warm laundry out of the dryer and folding it. I used to hate doing that, but now I realize it was because I lived in a house where there was no convenient place to fold things. Now I put it on my bed and fold it, and there is the added bonus that I *must* put it away, because otherwise I won’t be able to go to bed that night.

    8. KR*

      I LOVE budgeting and looking at our finances. I get excited for our next paycheck so I can pay more bills and watch our savings go up. So calming.

      1. Nicole*

        I love it too. On the first of every month I update our account balances. I love watching our net worth climb! It helps me feel more relaxed about our future seeing our retirement balances grow.

      1. Merci Dee*

        I did my taxes this morning. There is something satisfying about moving my stack of forms from the “to-enter” pile to the “done” pile.

    12. Middle School Teacher*

      Laundry. It’s just me, so not a lot of laundry, and I like folding clothes (ah, a remnant from retail haha).

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        Also cooking and meal planning for the week! I like to experiment with new recipes.

    13. Nye*

      Cooking! I find it so relaxing and satisfying. Ditto with cooking for the future – I try to keep the freezer stocked with raw shaped biscuits, cookie dough balls, scones, etc for an easy way to have fresh-baked* treats on a whim.

      *In practice, however, like 90% of the individual portioned frozen cookie dough gets eaten without cooking, because if there’s anything better than raw cookie dough, it’s frozen cookie dough.

    14. LPUK*

      Ironing. There’s only me so the amount is not overwhelming, so I iron practically everything – cotton underwear, tea towels etc. I love to see the wrinkles disappear under my iron and get a stupid amount of pride and pleasure from seeing the stack or crisp, sweet smelling laundry all neatly folded in the basket

    16. oranges & lemons*

      I used to really like hanging my laundry on the clothesline, when I rented a cabin that had a clothesline. It didn’t hurt that it was right on the water, so I pretty much enjoyed any task that could be done on the deck.

    18. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Ok, thanks to this thread I’ve spent the last 3 hours setting financial goals and making spreadsheets. It was so much fun.

      1. fposte*

        Back atcha. Plus you have such a broad range of interests in the world, whether it be global affairs or some new health protocol; you are connected and curious in a way I admire.

        1. PhyllisB*

          Yes, fposte, I am a big fan you also. I just couldn’t think of all the ones I wanted to mention when I read this post earlier.

    2. PhyllisB*

      Wow!! That’s a big challenge!! There are so many commenters that I enjoy reading it’s hard to narrow it to one. I used to enjoy Jamie’s posts, but I don’t see her on here anymore. I also like Elizabeth West’s posts. And Katie The Fed………sorry, can’t do it. I would be better able to mention one I DIDN’T like, but would not do that.

      1. FD*

        I think Jamie stopped commenting a few years ago. IIRC, someone asked Allison about it and she said that Jamie had found that commenting here was eating up too much time and she was going to step back a bit. I couldn’t find the reference for this–I believe it was in an open thread–so it’s possible I’m remembering wrong.

    3. FD*

      I’ll start! Princess Consuela Banana Hammock makes great, well-reasoned comments and is great at talking about complex issues.

      And has a great screen name. XD

      1. fposte*

        And FD, unless you’re a whole nother FD, I felt like I hadn’t seen you for a while and then I was pleased to see you back. You bring some really useful insight about an industry that operates differently, and you very generously shared your kickass cover letter.

        1. FD*

          Thanks! Nope, I’m the same one. I just come and go depending on what’s going on at work. As far as I can piece together, I think I started reading around 2012 or so, since I worked evening shift at a hotel then (FD was for “front desk” because I’m not that creative), and there was a lot of down time.

          1. fposte*

            I figured that was the origin of “FD,” and it still sounded like you. Nice that you’re still around!

    4. nep*

      I will say, I enjoy so many commenters here — they’re the reason I come back each weekend. Openness, honesty, smarts. So many areas of expertise.

      1. fposte*

        I agree with you and with Phyllis–the list is way too long. I mean, “too long” in a good way. Sometimes I go through the archives just because they’re fun to read, and there’ll be great comments by any number of people, some of whom who have moved on, some of whom are still here, some who are occasional so I’m not sure if they’re still reading or not but am happy when they turn up. I’m also really slow sometimes to fix a commenter in my mind, so it’s amusing to go back to see comments by somebody before I “knew” them.

          1. fposte*

            Why isn’t *everyone’s* a fish with a hat?

            I couldn’t find something Cold Comfort Farmish that worked in teeny little thumbnails, so I thought of the picture books I liked and tested out which art would be most distinguishable at that size and satisfying to me. (It’s from Jon Klassen’s wonderful _This Is Not My Hat_.) I liked that this was a face of sorts but not a human face, and it’s dressed respectfully :-).

            2. D.A.R.N.*

              You know for some reason I never saw the fish. I thought it was a bunny with the ears lowered. Whoops!

            3. Reba*

              This is so funny to me because you are so thoughtful and wise and the little fish in the book is…not those things.

    6. Ramona Flowers*

      Junior Dev, who keeps us all going with the mental health thread and who has used a difficult experience of losing a job to help others cope with similar difficulties. Not So New Reader, who always has something wise and kind to say. Snark, who makes me spit my coffee out and needs to write a cookbook already. Elizabeth West, who needs a break already – you hear me universe?

      And everyone who reads and doesn’t comment because they’re shy or worried or don’t think what they say will be valued. Just because you’re here too and that matters.

      1. anonagain*

        “And everyone who reads and doesn’t comment because they’re shy or worried or don’t think what they say will be valued. Just because you’re here too and that matters.”

        And this kind of thing is exactly why I was planning to say that I appreciate Ramona Flowers.

    7. Myrin*

      So many! So, so many! But I’ll try.

      fposte is my favourite, but she’s already covered above. I feel like she’s some quasi-omniscient entity, actually – you can talk about literally anything and she’ll have something thoughtful to say about it which clearly shows that she’s dealt with it before. I wanna be her when I grow up.

      neverjaunty, because of her no-nonsense attitude. I like the confidence that shines through in all of her comments.

      Mike C. I actually don’t agree with him most of the time – mostly because he’s much nicer and more social-minded than I am – but he’s so good at rhetorics, if that makes sense? He always considers others’ points, makes thoughtful commentary, is polite and engaging even if there’s disagreement, and I simply always enjoy reading what he posts.

      And the dear Princess (PCBH) for all of the above, I guess? I just really like reading her stuff.

      1. fposte*

        I feel very siblingesque with many of the commenters, and Mike C. is the one who first made me think of it, because I love his commitment and his beliefs and the cool stuff he knows and feel like even when I disagree with him fairly strongly my regard for him underlies it. In real life it would be the holiday conversation where voices got raised but the conversation would switch on a dime to “Want more potatoes?” or “Hey, want to see that movie?” and nobody’d think twice about the shift.

    9. Ellen*

      Not So New Reader. There have been SO many times when I’ve been tempted to respond to one of her beautifully worded posts to tell her how much her words touched me. NSNR, you have been a huge source of comfort to me. You articulate the thoughts and feelings behind the issue better than I ever could, and the road that you take to arrive at the heart of the matter is paved with your gracious insight. I am so thankful that you’re here.

        1. Natalie*

          I have a very fond memory of when you were commenting for a while as “New Reader” and someone pointed out that they always looked for your comments and you should change your name. I don’t know why I remember that but I do.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            OMG. And you remember that? wow. Yep, that is when the Not So became part of the handle.
            I really don’t like my screen name that much but I am not creative with names. I tend to even let other people name my animals for me.

      2. Anonymous Ampersand*

        All of this. NSNR you have helped me more than I can say.

        I also <3 Ramona Flowers.

        And Alison herself ;)

    10. Annie Mouse*

      There are loads of great commenters here, so many that I really enjoy reading.
      Ramona Flowers, your comments are always ones I look for and appreciate. You’re always so thoughtful and helpful.
      Snark is another one who I always look forward to. I often think ‘The Little Book of Snark Advice’ would make a great best seller!
      That’s just a couple, there are too many to mention indvidually!

      Thank you all of you :)

    11. Torrance*

      Gazebo Slayer is absolutely fantastic. They’ve got a great heart and I really admire their eloquence.

      And Wintermute! I’ve really been appreciating their comments lately too.

    12. KarenT*

      I appreciate most of the regular commenters here, honestly. Fposte and Princess Consuela Banana Hammock are front of mind because there is a kindness there you don’t often see when speaking to strangers on the internet.
      This is one of the few places on the internet where I participate in the comments, and it’s largely because the comments section generally respectful but also helpful. I’ve been participating less as of late because of some of the issues, but this is still a great place on the internet. Alison changes my mind or perspective on issues on a regular basis (I often read the letter, instinctively have my own response, then read Alison’s and think ‘nope, she’s right, not me,’) but the comments do as well. It’s a uniquely wise group!

    13. Alpha Bravo*

      Echoing others, there are too many. Fposte of course, for reasons already detailed. Not So NewReader, who touches my spirit. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock, for reasoned, big-picture yet kind and specific advice. Snark, because humor is so necessary and his brand of humor + realism just works for me. Ramona Flowers and Junior Dev – your kindness and sympathy make this such a good place to be. Mike C., Nep … you know, I’m going to stop there because no matter how many I list I’m going to leave someone out. Thank you ALL!

    14. Mimmy*

      Everyone here is awesome, and I appreciate Alison for fostering such a great community.

      I also appreciate Fposte for her intelligent responses and Not So New Reader for her beautifully-written, often comforting posts.

    15. Vancouver Reader*

      I’d have to say fposte and not So NewReader come to mind immediately. They are always so thoughtful and considerate and even if they disagree with something being said, they voice it in a positive way. I’m also finding I enjoy Natalie’s way of writing; she’s smart and shares a lot of interesting information.

      Pretty much everyone who’s fairly regular here are fabulous and I learn so much from everyone.

    16. Emily*

      So many! But a couple I’ve appreciated recently are Junior Dev and Ramona Flowers, who are both kind and thoughtful and good at talking about mental health stuff.

    17. Maiasaura*

      Snark! As the mom of sons, it warms my heart to see a man who really seems to care about listening to women about the things that affect us—without the creepy patronizing that’s sexist in its own way.

  24. Book Lover*

    Help from people with experience with laminate or luxury vinyl plank? Recommendations on brands, where to buy (local flooring store, online), anything I should watch out for?

    1. Rovannen*

      We put in Armstrong laminate flooring in 2000 in our main living area. We’ve had teens, now young adults with their children, dogs (big dogs who drag in a lot of dirt/sand/water) on this floor. It has held up very well; very little chipping and few scratches. It still gets compliments. We will probably replace it in another 10 years or so because it’s starting to rise on the edges of the well worn places (the traffic line from the doors). We’ll use Armstrong again. We used IKEA in the bedrooms, but it chips like crazy and scratches. When we replace the living room/dining room, the old Armstrong laminate will be good enough reuse in a bedroom.

      We bought from an independent store, not a big box store. They were able to give us the best deal.

  25. Natalie*

    Anybody traveled to Singapore (as a tourist, not for work)? I got kind of wild hair about traveling there yesterday – Planet Earth episode with the Gardens of the Bay in it – but I’m not really interested in shopping, gambling, or resorts. What are the fun slightly-less-touristy things?

    1. Fiennes*

      Just meander around the neighborhoods and enjoy the amazing food. They have great open-air … food courts, you’d have to call them, where you can order dishes from half a dozen cuisines & have them all brought to your picnic table. Also, the Botanical Gardens are AMAZING.

    2. London Actuary*

      I lived there for a year. The botanical gardens and orchid garden are fantastic. Sungei buloh wetland reserve, Pulau Ubin, pasir ris mangrove are good for seeing more wildlife, ditto macritchie reservoir. Most places have boardwalks and information boards about the flora and fauna. You’ll need to take mosquito repellent.

      For food, try old airport road hawker centre. Also Geylang Road has a lot of dining locations. You have to try chicken rice, laksa, roti canai, chendol… really the food is amazing.

      For cultural locations, Arab street, Little India and Chinatown are good. I used to go to Arab street quite often. A more western place would be Holland Village or Dempsey Hill.

      Typing this out made me miss living there! I hope to move back one day. If you let me know what interests you most I can give you more detail : )

      1. Natalie*

        Those all sound fun! I’m not sure if I would go with my husband or with my cousin, which kind of changes what we might do. Husband and I like wildlife, relaxed hiking, and historical things. We obviously both eat and like food but aren’t foodies. If I went with my cousin there would be more foodie activities because she is super into it.

        1. London Actuary*

          The wetland wildlife is great – you can see sunbirds, saltwater crocodiles, butterflies, monkeys, mudskippers, horseshoe crabs, archer fish etc etc. It’s obviously very hot and humid so dress appropriately but stay covered up to some extent due to the mosquitoes. I’m not sure I’d call it hiking – it’s very flat and you can’t leave the path but usually there won’t be anyone else there. If you want to take a snack for some energy make sure it’s not chocolate as it will melt in the heat!

          Another historical location is the old centre. You’ve got Boat Quay which is where the original settlement was, good place for a couple of drinks in the evening. Across the river there’s some good examples of colonial era architecture and a beautiful white church. The Padang is an old green with the national museum facing it. I haven’t been to the museum as it was being refurbished when I was there.

          Also you might want to try some of the fruit. Durian is an acquired taste (I love it!) but mangosteens, rambutans, longans and the dragonfruit with pink flesh are all fantastic.

    3. Ann Furthermore*

      I went there years ago with my parents when I was a teenager. At one point, we were hopelessly lost, with my dad driving and my mom trying to read the map and figure out where we were. At one point she said, “Well, if we could just find Victoria Road….. I still wouldn’t know where the hell we are.” That’s been an famous family story ever since.

      I remember Singapore being really clean.

    4. Dan*

      I love love love SE Asia… but find Singapore boring as fuck. It’s really sterile. If you go, and you’re from North America, my suggestion is to take two weeks at a minimum (a week as a tourist from North America is just not enough time given the jet lag), spend a few days in Singapore, and then spend the rest of your time elsewhere in the region. Bali, Malaysia, and Thailand are all well worth it.

    5. Artemesia*

      My travel was for work but I was wined and dined and shown around and so saw a bit of tourist Singapore. The night zoo was quite fun; most zoo animals are primarily nocturnal and so visiting at night you get to see them much more lively than they are in the daytime in other zoos. And they had a lot of animals that I have not typically seen in US zoos, particularly prairie type animals — lots of herd animals and lots of cats.

      The food is also amazing. I have never been somewhere with such a variety of cuisines. The country is a melting pot with mostly Chinese from various subcultures in China but also Indians, Malayans etc and so there are amazing variations of Chinese cuisine, and then all the other Asian cuisines. And the street food is also wonderful.

  26. OperaArt*

    There’ve been a few discussions here about eShakti and their well-made, customizable, custom-sized dresses. I branched out and ordered a couple of blouses.

    I shouldn’t have been surprised—they came with hidden “modesty” buttons at the bustline. (Of course they did! After all, the dresses come with sewn in bra strap holders.)

    Ar this rate, my work wardrobe is going to be mostly eShakti, with some ModCloth thrown in for good measure.

    2. Book Lover*

      I think I am convinced I should try – but for dresses for work. Any tips for me before ordering?

      1. OperaArt*

        Use an upper-arm circumference measurement that’s somewhat larger than your real one, unless you want skin-tight.
        Their version of knee-length is my version of just-above-the-knee.
        Their non-stretchy cotton can be very wrinkle prone. The other fabrics are fine.
        It took me a little time to be able to envision each picture with different necklines, sleeve lengths, and skirt lengths.

    3. Fiennes*

      I’m still struggling with getting measurements just right. First try I gave them the exact measurements of my skin, which of course is unwearably tight. Then I compensated too hard in the other direction and wound up with something overly loose. Next time should be the charm.

      1. Pollygrammer*

        You could try taking the measurements from clothing you already own. Do you have anything that fits exactly right at the areas they need measurements for?

    4. Murphy*

      Sewn in bra strap holders? That sounds amazing! Those blouses sound good too. I may have to check them out.

    6. Nic*

      I’ve been tempted to try something that offers customization clothes, but I’ve heard so many horror stories from so many places that it’s great to get this recommendation! I’ve never heard of the modesty button, but I need this in my life!

      Thanks!

  27. Lynn*

    I’d really love to have someone to go out with, stay in with, share things with, even though I don’t want to get married again. But I keep meeting the same kinds of guys, having the same kinds of problems, and basically feeling defective (even though I know it’s really just a numbers game). I made an appointment with a (reputable, well spoken of) dating coach to start 6 weeks of coaching.

    Has anyone else worked with a dating coach? Any tips/ideas to get the most out of the experience?

    1. HannahS*

      I never have, but I’d bet it’s a good idea to spend time thinking about what you want to get out of coaching. Are there specific skills you want to learn or practice? I think you’ll get more out of it if you say to the coach, “I have trouble making conversation” or “I want to practice flirting” or “I think I’m attracting X-kind of person, but I want to attract Y-kind of person” versus just saying that you want to get better at dating in general.

      1. My Anonymous Alter Ego*

        Great suggestions!
        I’ve never worked with a dating coach. However, if I did, I’d probably use the same standards as if I hired a résumé service, in that if something is suggested & it seems off then I should probably research that further, as opposed to just thinking that I might really be out of touch with current norms & oh, well, the professional knows what they’re doing…
        I hope you get the most from the coaching. Good luck!

    2. NaoNao*

      I haven’t, but I have been an avid reader and fan of “andthat’swhyyou’resingle dot com”, a take no prisoners, sugar-free blog/advice column, and also The Cut (formerly the Awl, you can find her work there too) Ask Polly. Amazing, thoughtful, just tough enough advice *especially* about men and dating.

    3. Dan*

      My first suggestion? Get yourself right first. (I’m making no assumptions here.) If you’re not happy, comfortable, and/or confident with yourself, the dating coach won’t do much for you, unless those are their areas of focus.

      But to your comment about the numbers game… if you’re doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results, no, that’s not a numbers game.

      1. Windchime*

        Gahhhh. This “get yourself right first” advice always pops up when someone mentions that they would like to find love. And it honestly *does* sound like you are making assumptions; why give the suggestion otherwise?

        Sometimes there really is nothing wrong with a person. Sometimes you just haven’t met the right person yet and it is a numbers game. However, if you keep meeting the same kinds of guys, then maybe start going to different types of places?

        Also….probably don’t take dating advice from me. I’ve been contentedly single for many years, so my expertise is basically null.

        1. Lynn*

          Yeah, I basically don’t ask for advice on meeting people, because “get yourself right” and then “it’ll happen” gets old after a while. I’m happy with my life, established in my career, with friends, clubs, hobbies, and all the rest. I’d just like someone to share it with. However, despite living in an urbanish area, the dating pool here is pretty dang small, and it’s a little frustrating.

  28. Sled dog mama*

    It’s official hubby and I are going to NYC for our 10 year anniversary. We’ll be there for 3 days, we’ve got hotel reservations and a dinner reservation for one night. What else should we do? (First weekend of March)

    1. jack*

      Do you like art/museums? The Met is really crowded most days (esp the weekend) but really worth it for me.

      2. DC Govt Law*

        On our anniversary trip to NYC, we splurged on an “Early Met” tour – it wasnt cheap, but if you like art/museums, it was a fantastic 90 minute small group tour of the Met with an Art Historian before the Met opens to the public. If I recall correctly, the link to purchase tickets was on the Met website, but it linked to a third party vendor (viator, maybe?) but was totally legit. I loved the art history descriptions and it was so neat to have the museum to ourselves (well, a group of 20 of us)

      3. Lilith*

        Seconding the Met, I also recommend the museum of natural history! Also going to second the comment below about seeing shows with same-day TKTS tickets. If you’re near times square and need a quick bite, Los Tacos on 43rd is amazing and fairly cheap.

    2. Kerbs*

      If you’re a foodie (and it’s in your budget), make reservations at a famous chefs restaurant! I watch Food Network and love Bobby Flay so when I was in NYC I went to one of his restaurants and had a blast! Always need to go see a play if you can

      1. Sled dog mama*

        We’re going to Beauty & Essex, one of Chris Santos’s restaurants since my hubby likes his food.

      1. 2e*

        If you’re up for a trip to the Bronx, a day spent at some combination of the Botanical Gardens, Bronx Zoo, and Arthur Ave/Little Italy is a lovely day! There is lots of great food on Arthur Ave – Palombo’s cannolis are great, Emilia’s has great food overall, Zero Ottto Nove has great, interesting pizzas. The Arthur Ave market is fun to browse for specialty Italian groceries, if you’re into that kind of thing, and the Bronx Beer Hall (located within the Arthur Ave market) is owned by two brothers from the neighborhood who serve excellent NY state beers. From Manhattan, you can take the B or D train, or the Metro North (Harlem Line) to Fordham if you prefer.

    4. A.N.O.N.*

      Not sure what your budget is, but for me, NYC is all about the food! Here’s some suggestions of awesome desserts/food/drink places that span the range of prices:

      Momofuku milk bar
      4 & 20 blackbirds
      Two little red hens
      Mah ze dahr bakery
      aux merveilleux de fred
      Dō
      Levain
      Doughnut plant
      Rice to riches
      Spot dessert

      Oiji
      Ngam
      Danji
      Ippudo
      Jacob’s Pickles
      Russ & daughters cafe
      Balthazar
      Loring’s place
      The bar room at the modern
      Heidi’s house
      Murray’s cheese bar
      Claw daddy’s
      Flex mussels
      Pommes frites
      Panna II
      Cocoron
      Katz delicatessen

      Death & co
      Mother of pearl
      Angels share
      Dead rabbit

      I can certainly provide more specific suggestions (by price, area, type of food, etc.) if desired. Also, some great (but pricey!) tasting menus if you’re into that!

      1. A.N.O.N.*

        (There’s also things to do in the city other than eat, and I’d be happy to provide suggestions on that as well! But that heavily depends on your interests/location)

    5. Lore*

      The tricky thing about NYC is that the first weekend of March can be glorious spring or disgusting freezing slush falling from the sky. So I’d say you want to have some glorious spring activities in mind–the High Line is a good one; I would also recommend riding around on the new East River ferries, maybe to Brooklyn Bridge Park and then walking around the park and DUMBO–but also have backup/alternate indoor activities in mind. The Met is a full day of fun, though as of March 1, be aware that their “pay what you will” policy goes away unless you live in NY. (But the admission price gets you in to the main 5th Ave museum, the Cloisters–well worth a visit–and the Met Breuer on Madison, and I *think* it’s good for three days, so go the first day if you want to get max value.) The Brooklyn Museum, depending on what’s showing, is also good, and it’s right next to the Botanical Gardens if you want to make a day of it. For free art, you could spend an afternoon in Chelsea gallery-hopping. There are lots of little boutiquey shops and some art galleries in the neighborhood of Beauty and Essex. Also, if you want to see a show, definitely check out TKTS–and note that there are booths other than the main Times Square one (one near Lincoln Center, one at South Street Seaport, and one in downtown Brooklyn).

    6. FrontRangeOy*

      Well, theater geek the I am, I’d be booking tickets to as many off broadway shows as my budget could possibly afford, and spend the rest of my time in the Met and at Guggenheim. But I’m sort of weird that way, lol.

    7. Dan*

      NYC is awesome. But that time of year can be Cold As Fuck, as someone else alluded to in more polite terms.

      So… you still have to eat the other two nights, and NYC is foodie heaven. High brow/low brow/any brow, it doesn’t matter.

      You should go to a theater performance. Off broadway/broadway actually just referees to the size of the theater. Personally, I really like Blue Man Group. “Tkts” can get you half-price same-day tickets.

      Also, IMHO (and it’s not just me) but the best free thing in the city is the Staten Island ferry at night.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Former (and recovering) Staten Islander here. Staten Island Ferry at night *is* awesome, but don’t go too late at night, as you’ll get one of the tiny overnight ferries that don’t have an outdoor deck. Avoid the ferry at all costs during rush hours, it will be clogged with other tourists and really crabby commuters (Staten Islanders have some of the longest commutes in the country)!

        Hard no on Katz’s Delicatessen (suggestion from a commenter above). The food is mediocre and the service is positively nasty. It feels like eating in a prison cafeteria, and for all that it’s expensive. I’d sooner go to Junior’s and have amazing cheesecake.

        If you luck into good weather, go to Roosevelt Island, it’s spectacular and totally under the radar! Also Central Park and the Met (ideally when it first opens, it gets very crowded) and a show, if you have the budget for it. Have a great trip!

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          Adding on: I second the suggestion to see the Cloisters. A bit of a schlep but it’s spectacular and uncrowded. The High Line didn’t do much for me personally.

          1. The Curator*

            Recovering New Yorker here. If the weather is good. Go early to get in line for a ferry and tour of Ellis Island. There is nothing like it.

            If the weather is spectacular. When you get back after spending the whole day there, Take the subway to Brooklyn Heights and have an early romantic supper at Noodle Pudding (2 or 3 or A or C train) then walk over the bridge.

            If the weather is crappy depending on what you like to look at and see. New York Public Library (Lion Library) they give tours. Favorite bookstores include Macnally Jackson.

            We like to see what is playing at Joe’s Pub.

  29. Kat*

    A few months ago I posted here about going to Berlin on my own, but I didn’t go. I’ve now decided to go in April! Lighter, warmer, hopefully sunnier. I have a note of a few things to do and places to try. But does anyone have recommendations for evening activities for a single woman in her 30s? I am happy to go out dancing or to a bar, but I’d like to know where is safe and suitable. I’d rather not be confined to my hotel every evening when there’s a whole city to explore. I’ll be based fairly centrally, I think, and be there over a weekend, so hopefully there’s plenty to do. Also, any recommendations for places to eat alone? I’m thinking dinner, mainly, as I never really mind solo lunches. For some reason I’m more daunted by the evening meal!

    1. Lily Evans*

      I’ve never been, but a travel blogger I follow has her home base there and she’s also a single woman round that age. Here’s her guide to Berlin (the nightlife and food info is toward the end). Her Germany page also has even more info and links!

    2. Typhon Worker Bee*

      I was just there in October. My local friend took me to Brauhaus Lemke am Hackeschen Markt – it’s a brew pub with the best beer I found in Berlin (most of the really good German beer is in the South!), super friendly staff, and a very casual, friendly atmosphere. Great food, too – we shared this amazing local pancake dish with sour cherries. I’m not usually a dessert fan but OMG.

      1. Typhon Worker Bee*

        Oh, I recommend NOT going to the massive Bavarian-style beer hall place. I forget the name. The concierge at my colleagues’ hotel sent us there because we had quite a big group and no reservation. It was kinda fun, but super cheesy, and the service was sloooooow. Our German friends at the conference thought it was simultaneously hilarious and embarrassing that we went to such a terrible touristy place.

        1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          Hofbrauhaus? Yeah we ended up there on one of our trips to Berlin and they essentially had to kick out a British stag party because they were drunk, being jerks to the servers, and started doing things that only the drunk British seem to do in Germany (this wasn’t the first time or the only city in Germany I’ve seen this). Once they left it was actually kind of a laugh but yeah, super touristy. I think we only went because we were dying of hunger and couldn’t deal with finding anything else!

          1. Typhon Worker Bee*

            That’s the one!

            The first time I ever said the words “I’m Canadian” was in response to the obnoxious drunken Brits littering the south coast of Portugal. I wasn’t quite a Canadian citizen yet, but I was too embarrassed to own my original nationality on that vacation!

    3. Caro*

      The biergarten at the tier garden is really fun. Germany is very safe. I wouldn’t worry much in populated places. Check out all the different neighborhoods. Public transit is easy. Eat Turkish food.

  30. jack*

    hi y’all!

    I’m going to the UK for the first time (from the US) for about 10 days. I’m leaving in 2.5 weeks. I’ll be in Brighton, Bristol, Edinburgh, and London. Anything I absolutely need to see or do in those places? Thanks!

    1. caledonia*

      Edinburgh: The castle, if it’s not terrible weather and you feel like it, climb Arthur’s Seat but equally and not so strenuous is Calton Hill (good view). Duddingston (old village and a beautiful loch (lake) and garden) and Stockbridge. Several places on the main shopping Street give good views of the castle (Waterstone’s bookshop, McDonalds and Starbucks). The Grassmarket (behind the castle) has some nice places to eat, a great ice cream/gelato/hot chocolate place called Mary’s Milk Bar and some great secondhand bookshops. For great burgers, try Holyrood 9a or on Rose Street. For a unique shop, even though it’s a chain, try White Stuff (try something on just to go into the changing rooms!) on George Street. The Meadows is a lovely green space and you can walk across it to Morningside which has some nice local shops.

      London has been well covered in many weekend open threads, I suggest searching to see if you can find some.

      1. Sled dog mama*

        I have to second arthur’s seat, it’s beautiful. Make sure to get good directions to the trail. My mom and I did not and it was an interesting climb, trail was a lot nicer.

      2. jack*

        Arthur’s Seat sounds great – I wanted to get climb or hike in while I was over there. Also I’m staying in Grassmarket, so that works out perfectly. Thank you so much!

        1. Sarah G*

          Grassmarket is a great neighborhood. I once ate a an amazing, moderately priced French restaurant there — beautiful space and great food. I wish I could recall the name but it was right on the main drag in Grassmarket. Also, yes to Arthur’s Seat, and try heather beer if you like beer.
          And the Edinburgh Botanic Garden is wonderful!

      3. SarahKay*

        Calton Hill is lovely and an easy climb (all footpaths) and Nelson’s Monument on Calton Hill (the telescope-like tower) is worth the money – the views from the top are absolutely spectacular.
        The Botanic Gardens are also lovely, although I don’t know if I’ve visited them this early in the year; sadly I didn’t really discover them until after I stopped living in Edinburgh.
        Oh, and the views from the Scott Monument on Princes Street are also lovely, but the stairs to the top are a *very* narrow spiral staircase (they start out okay, but the final flight is tiny), so if you don’t like that sort of thing then you may prefer to avoid it.

    2. London Calling*

      The Royal Pavilion in Brighton. Built in the early 19c and a riot of Chinoiserie and architecture best described as eclectic. And if you like fish, eat at the Regency Restaurant near the seafront.

      London – well, where do I start? whatever you like to do, London most likely has something or somewhere that caters for it.

    3. misspiggy*

      If travelling by train, book your travel right now and reserve seats. Walk-on fares are absurdly expensive and trains get crowded. At least if you book ahead you can often get first class seats for only a few pounds extra. Book accommodation ahead too, and use Tripadvisor as a guide (bearing in mind that some Tripadvisor reviewers are nutty).

      The Edinburgh Camera Obscura is one of my favourite places – low-tech, small and quirky, but I love it. There are some good weekend discussion threads here on places to visit in London.

      Hope you have a lovely time!

      1. jack*

        All my trains and hotels are booked and have been for awhile (I grabbed 1st class for the 5+ hr rides). I basically got the tickets as soon as the sites let me buy for those dates haha. And yeah, I was mostly looking for recs in the other cities – London shouldn’t be hard to figure out what to do.

    4. Ramona Flowers*

      Brighton: if you like thrift shops / markets / junk shops you need to go to Snoopers Paradise.

    5. Ann Furthermore*

      I loved the Royal Observatory, where the Prime Meridian. If you’re into stuff like that it’s a cool thing to do.

      Also, all the museums in London are free (although they do ask for donations of whatever you can afford). There is one place close to the British Museum called Sir John Soane’s Museum. He was an architect (I think) in the 1800’s and traveled all over the world collecting art, antiques, antiquities and all kinds of other stuff. After he died, his house was converted into a museum where his collections are on display. Fascinating. And not too huge; you can go through the whole thing in 60 to 90 minutes… although it would be easy to spend much longer there.

        1. Wandering not lost*

          Once a month, they have a candlelight tour. I think it’s the first Tuesday evening? Magical! Get there well in advance to get s good place in line.

    6. Elkay*

      Edinburgh is one of my favourite cities because it’s so attractive. I second the recommendation for the castle. Generally it’s a nice city to walk around, it’s been a while since I did tourist stuff there but I remember Dynamic Earth being fun.

    7. Bagpuss*

      From Bristol you may like to visit Bath – it’s about 30 minutes by train, and has the Roman Baths, the Assembly Rooms (nice if you are an Austen fan) and No1 Royal Crescent (historic house fully furnished and decorated in period style)

      In Bristol itself, consider going to the Old Vic Theatre one evening – it’s the oldest continuously working theatre in the country (celebrated its 250th anniversary 2 years ago) and is beautiful.

      There’s also the SS Great Britain – (She is a museum ship, designed by Isambard Kingdom Brunel and was the first Iron Steamship to cross the Atlantic)

      Artist Banksy is from Bristol – there are quite a few of his works there and I believe there’s a walking tour if you want one.

      Bristol also has quite a number of very good restaurants, if that’s your thing.

      London – I’d definitely recommend the British Museum, Sir John Soane’s museum is fun, treasures of the British Library is fun and free – everything from the Magna Carta to first folio Shakespeare, original Beatles lyrics and da Vinci’s notebooks. (the Harry Potter exhibit at the British Library closes on 28th Feb. Pre-sale tickets are sold out but I think there are still walk up tickets every day, if you’re willing to show up and queue.

      1. Grandma Mazur*

        There are a few Isambard Kingdom Brunel things worth seeing in Bristol. You may arrive by train – he designed the older part of Temple Meads station. The SS Great Britain, as mentioned by Bagpuss. And the Clifton Suspension Bridge is probably the most exciting thing to see in Bristol (if you’re not based in Clifton or staying a while, take the local train straight to Clifton Down from Temple Meads – it’ll be quicker than going by bus or trying to walk there). Bristol has a Heritage Walk that takes in a number of places in and around the old/medieval part of the town. If you like heights, Cabot Tower on Brandon Hill gives you an amazing view over the city and beyond (check opening times). The camera obscura, up by the bridge, is fun if you’ve never seen one in action before. The university (broadly between Clifton and Brandon Hill) is attractive, as is the Georgian shopping street, Park Street. There’s a replica of the ship John Cabot took to the new world in the harbour, which is free, I think (the Matthew, near the SS GB). All of this needs to be caveated with the fact that Bristol is very nice – and does have amazing restaurants – but Bath is the place with the world-class tourist attractions. Just so you’re aware ;-) what Bristol is great for is individual shopping streets with great independent shops, amazing cafes and probably the best craft beer scene in the country (I know this will be a contentious point!).

        1. PX*

          To caveat the caveat, it depends on what you like to do. Bath is very pretty, but boring in my opinion. Its where they shoot a lot of ‘period’ English films/TV as the architecture is nice, and it does indeed have the Roman Baths, but other than that, I dont know what else there is to do there really :P

          My recommendation for Bristol is to walk around the city and soak up the atmosphere. You’re too early for festival season but wander around the harbourside. Whapping Wharf, M-Shed area is nice; if you like beer, Wild Beer is a good shout on that side of town. Otherwise King Street and Gloucester Road should take care of you :)

    9. Aealias*

      Edinburgh: do one of the underground tours! I think the one I did was Mary’s Close, and it was amazing. The castle is also remarkable – I’m permanently in love with the tiny chapel the king built his mom. It’s so sweet!

      Seconding the pavilion in Brighton. It is stunning. Rather much in the old “Lovely Listings: Real Estate Horrorshow” way, but I found it both ridiculous and delightful.

  31. 1.0*

    Which dating sites are actually decent for lesbians? “Her” is a transphobic mess, and a lot of other sites have so few lesbians on it at all

    1. D.A.R.N.*

      OkCupid isn’t purely lesbian, but you do have the option to hide your profile from straight people and search for an impressive variety of sexualities and the site itself isn’t transphobic, but there are some user-submitted questions that can be. Thankfully, they’re easily avoided.

      1. Felicia*

        I’m a lesbian and have had the most luck with Okcupid in my area. Though I keep wishing there was something better.

    2. The Person from the Resume*

      I’m currently using HER, Bumble, and OKCupid.

      I like OKCupid best – actual written profiles. My profile is set up so I only see women or get contacted by women I like Bumble second and HER is dead last. I had not noticed “transphobic mess” but it’s only pictures (no text profile at all) which is so superficial, and it keeps showing me the people I’ve already swiped left on. Awful functionality really. I love the idea of HER being only women looking for women (or femmes of some variety), but it’s so very poorly implemented.

      My problem in general is a relatively small dating pool in my area. Tinder also worked for some friends here.

  32. Bigglesworth*

    A great update! In November, I mentioned on here that my husband was hospitalized for depression and suicidal ideation. He’s slowly getting better, but we’ve been dreading the hospital bill. My dad works in hospital administration and said I should ask about charity care, because I’m a full-time law student and not working. Turns out hubby and I qualify and the hospital will cover the entire bill. Yay!!! I would have had to get a job and potentially out law school on hold in order for us to meet all of our bills with minimal debt. Anyway, exciting/happy news!

    2. nep*

      Wow — how wonderful. Happy for you both — that your bill’s covered, and that he’s getting better.

      1. Bigglesworth*

        Thanks! I think it’s going to be a long road to recovery for him, but he has professionals helping him now and that’s exactly what he needs. :)

        1. Bigglesworth*

          But since he’s been back at work, he also received his 6 month review (which was glowing) and a raise! Coworkers may not believe in mental illnesses, but his company sure does and has been wonderful to work with through all of this.

  33. Mary Connell*

    My daughter came home from high school quite distressed about some bullying and neither of us knows how to proceed. She has previously called out other students for similar behavior and escalated other instances to school administration, but this one has puzzled us.

    She was working in a small group with a substitute teacher in the class. One of the members of the group, let’s say Lucius, has high social value, and he’s a smart mouth who interrupts the class with his wit, which the regular teacher finds funny.

    During the small group work, every time another member of the class, let’s say Colin, walked past, the first boy said, “And here comes [bad slur].” Colin has lower social value, is short and an attractive or “pretty” boy, and not self-identified as LGBT as far as my daughter knows. Colin reacted to the bullying by laughing at it, and the other girls in the small group also laughed at Lucius’s comments. The substitute teacher did not hear any of this.

    Normally my daughter would say “cut it out,” but Colin’s reaction threw her off.

    She mentioned the situation afterward to her lunchtime friends and was astounded when they sided with Lucius because of their own softer, religious sentiments. One girl got downright mad when my daughter identified the taunting as h—phobic.* My daughter is also quite religious, but in a social justice, let’s love each other, all are alike unto God kind of way.

    We talked about mentioning the incident to the regular teacher or administration, in person, by email, or anonymously. I offered to contact the teacher or administration. Her concerns are that Colin laughed it off and perhaps he wasn’t offended, she doesn’t know if he’s LBGT, and if Colin really wasn’t offended and she made an issue of it, Lucius would know who made the report since it happened in a small group setting and could turn his taunting on her and she suspects she wouldn’t have the backup of her friends.

    We’re giving ourselves the weekend to think it over and would appreciate feedback. Should she leave it to Colin to report if he thinks best?

    *Not sure what will trigger moderation here.

    1. misspiggy*

      Maybe your daughter should tell Colin she was concerned, and was he OK, and that she would back him up if he reported it.

      1. Artemesia*

        This. I’d hope she would say to Colin ‘boy Lucius was a real jerk; I’m sorry he was nasty to you.’ The misery this sort of thing causes to the kids who find they have to ‘laugh it off’ is immense.

    2. Turtlewings*

      I think if she’s concerned, she should talk to Colin before anything else. Find a private moment to say she thought it was mean how Lucius was treating him, how did he feel about it? Did he really not care, or was he trying to laugh it off because he didn’t know how else to react? Offer him support if he wants to escalate in some way, or just offer to have his back if he wants to react differently next time. (In the moment, she would have been well within her rights to tell Lucius to knock it off with that kind of language, regardless of Colin’s reaction, but I can see why she felt thrown off and wasn’t sure what to do.)

      2. Anonymom*

        There is a lot of research on what alleviates the trauma of bullying, and a bystander expressing support privately, even afterwards, really does seem to help. Ideally, kids could speak up in the moment, but knowing that not everyone was laughing along changes how the event is recalled. The best results in changing school culture come from equipping the bystanders. Kids who bully and kids who experience bullying tend to have some characteristics that are aren’t as malleable, but the majority of kids who see bullying don’t like it, want it to stop, but don’t have the tools.

    3. fposte*

      Wow, I’m really impressed with your daughter, and with you for your support and thoughtfulness.

      Thinking it through a little: I don’t think laughing it off means that it was okay with Colin–laughing is a solid survival mechanism. And it’s still not okay for Lucius to toss slurs publicly even if Colin were okay with it (and *every time* Colin walked by? That’s not an inside joke leaking out); nor does it matter if Colin is or isn’t gay.

      So in a perfect world, yes, this gets reported. But this isn’t a perfect world, and it involves a lot of non-adults with underdeveloped social abilities who are stuck with one another. The fact that your daughter has previously been comfortable taking stuff to school administration and is reluctant in this case is significant, especially along with your description of the views of the other students; it makes me wonder whether the school would take this issue seriously enough to warrant the vulnerability your daughter would be bringing on herself.

      So other possibilities I see are: your daughter connecting with Colin (“I don’t think that was okay, but I didn’t want to report it if you think it would make things worse”), you contacting the teacher to raise the issue of homophobic slurs and bullying generally without naming names; if your daughter thinks she can muster the nerve, even talking to Lucius directly when he’s alone sometime (though kids like Lucius almost never are).

      I gotta say I’m almost more concerned about the friends who seem to think bullying is cool if you bully the right person. I mean, it’s a pretty common high school view, but that’s the foundation of bullying right there.

      1. Ktelzbeth*

        I’m going to come in to second fposte’s statement that laughing it off doesn’t necessarily mean Colin was okay with it. I’ve laughed things off that weren’t okay at all because the other options are worse. The last thing you want to do as a low social value high school student is let anyone know how you really feel. I don’t think it matters if Colin is LGBTQA+.

        In my ideal world, your daughter could report the incident and the only consequences would be for Lucius, who needs to learn better. In this world, I’m not sure that only Lucius would take the consequences or that he would learn better. I agree that the best option is for your daughter to talk to Colin. If he’s widely unpopular, though, even that small step could have consequences socially for your daughter or at least it easily could have ages ago when I was in high school.

        It sounds like you are raising a wonderful daughter.

    4. School Psych*

      The school district I work with has anonymous online bullying reporting. They added it to the district website on the parent and student tabs this year, so anyone can report anonymously. It might not help for this case, but could be something your daughter’s district adopts in the future. It’s a free system that a lot of districts have started using and can be set up by the district’s IT department.

    5. Mary Connell*

      Thank you all for the kind and helpful feedback. That gives us some additional ideas. AAM readers are the best.

    6. Nacho*

      Was [bad slur] homophobic, and just how bad of a slur was it? I get that you want to self censor here, but it’s kind of important to the story. If [bad slur] was REALLY bad, it’s important to speak to Lucas whether or not Colin was offended, because he shouldn’t be saying that shit to anyone. But if it wasn’t, then you’re just overreacting to a nickname Colin might be totally fine with.

      1. Observer*

        I disagree that it’s an over-reaction. Say Lucius said “Oh, here comes piggy again”. That’s rude. If he’s saying it EVERY TIME the kid walks by, it is DEFINITELY intended to hurt Colin.

    7. Observer*

      I agree with the others who say that step #1 is to let Colin know that she didn’t like what she was hearing and would back him if he decided to complain. Everything else flows from his reaction.

      I think it’s worth backing away from the issue of homophobia here, though. The behavior described is nasty. Period. In this context, it doesn’t matter if Colin is gay or not, and it doesn’t even matter if Lucius thinks he is. What matters is that Lucius is acting in a very nasty way, and any educator or school that is concerned with turning out decent human beings should be concerned with that.

      Also, your daughter is right. Making assumptions about Colin’s sexuality is not a good idea. And, even if you happen to be right (and being a “pretty” boy doesn’t mean he is gay or whatever, so you really don’t know), it’s completely up to Colin to disclose that information in a time and place that suits him.

      If this were a workplace, it might matter because there could be legal ramifications. But here, the issue is not legality but simple decency and Lucius’ behavior is NOT decent.

  34. Candi*

    On the Saturday before Martin Luther King, Jr., Day, my city held a gathering in honor of MLK, equality, a better future, and other good stuff.

    I was attending because my son had won the high school MLK essay contest. It’d been published in the city magazine (including online), and a copy was passed out in the programs for the ceremony.

    There were all kinds of cool decorations, promoting racial equality, social, LGBT+, that your job doesn’t define your worth, so much good stuff.

    There was one thing missing that upsets me, though. Notice what I didn’t list?

    The ceremony had a very Christian bent, in the songs, the prayers, all that. True, MLK was the Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King, Jr., and our community has multiple varieties of Christian, but part of equality is accepting others’ beliefs in all facets.

    The keynote speaker was Michael Tuncap. (You may have heard of him, the resume highlights they gave shows he is very active in equality activism.) He’s of Pacific Islander extraction, and he and his family sang a song that had spiritual meaning to them. (I didn’t quite follow the explanation. Sorry.) :( It was also in the original language, which was great.

    It still makes me sad that the community did such a great job of representing every other thing, but religion only got a nod.

    1. Candi*

      PS: Yes, my son was presented with an award.

      The essay was about children’s rights, here and around the world, to not to be abused, expolited, to be treated like humans and not inconveniences, to be given consideration, to be listened to. To be loved. Because it’s searchable online I won’t be posting it. My apologies.

      (Well, and my son dislikes publicity.)

    3. Temperance*

      That’s such a bummer. Your son should be so proud of his award.

      I might mention something to the organizers about how it felt too Christian, and might have been excluding secular folks, Muslims, etc. There are some groups who think multiple kinds of Christian = interfaith, which is a bummer.

  35. Reba*

    Choral Music — Anon in NYC, are you here?

    A few weeks ago Anon in NYC posted about their choir doing a musical piece about slavery and feeling uncomfortable about their choir’s ability to best represent this subject matter because of its makeup.
    https://www.askamanager.org/2018/01/weekend-free-for-all-january-20-21-2018.html#comment-1813742

    I didn’t reply to that thread, but I have been thinking about it quite a bit. On one hand I felt that Anon’s concerns were valid and I intuitively understood their discomfort. On the other I think that this is part of what music and other forms of art do–carry us into realms of experience that we do not know. It’s part of what being an artist is.

    In a less-fraught example, I’ve been in ensembles before that were dedicated exclusively to performing ‘non-western’ music, and it was so fun and rewarding to explore them (even though I am sure we missed many nuances and probably did some things straight up wrong)!

    Anyway I just learned that my choir is going to perform “We Shall Overcome” and I’m feeling mildly awkward about it. Doing things in groups is hard!

    1. Anon just for this*

      Quite honestly, I think all the responses to Anon in NYC has shown the need for representation of other races and cultures in groups, including on this site.

      I’m a POC, and it really bothers me when white people think that they are doing a good job allowing others to “explore a culture” but are not doing their due diligence to ensure that they don’t get things completely wrong. It isn’t particularly helpful to others to have their culture misrepresented by people who claim they understand it, but didn’t bother to take the time to actually get it.

      Having a reasonable amount of black people in the choir would likely have reduced Anon in NYC’s discomfort, because even though a white person singing about slavery is naturally fraught, at least there would be comfort in the fact that the people in the choir reflect the cultures that they sing about.

      This is not the first situation on this site where the fact that there is mostly white commenters here has made the responses to posts on race a little disappointing.

      I love this site and a lot of the commenters so I’m going anon on this since I feel a little awkward about calling this out. I hope my response made sense, and I really don’t mean to be harsh if it comes off that way.

      1. Reba*

        To clarify, the group I described above did have an international makeup (as does my current one) though still majority white, and we did turn to experts and native speakers for help and insight. That is what made it rewarding. And speaking for myself, I would never claim that I understand another culture because I learned some ragas or whatever. But I know that not every group does/can do it that way.

        Thank you sincerely for sharing your perspective.

      2. Reba*

        Do you think it makes a difference who the music composer is, not just the performers?

        I do, although I think I’m unsure about drawing a hard and fast line around it.

        Anon in NYC mentioned that the work about slavery was written by a white person. I’ve also in the past sung a black American spiritual that was arranged by a white guy. I didn’t think the arrangement was that good in the first place, and I felt annoyed that he was being “credited” with the music (e.g. “Traditional Spiritual, arr. Dude Name”). The individual or collective originators were anonymized, and he was not.

        Thinking about that, I feel that white people can appreciate and perform black music (maybe not very well) but it matters that we shouldn’t be credited with it or claim it as ours. Black spirituals have made this huge contribution to American music, but that doesn’t mean they become generically, unmarked American or belong equally to all.

        1. Anon just for this*

          This is a very good point. I struggle with this because in a more general sense, I don’t believe in restricting any race from creating art that was made by another, as long as you are respectful and show a true understanding of it. I don’t really have a problem with white people listening to black music either.

          In practice though, you have so many white people who will take credit for the work of POC. I know of so many white people who create music from POC genres and eventually disrespect it, that it has gotten to a point where most POC (myself included), tend to be very wary of white people who make music from a culture they don’t belong to.

          I think that an effort should be always made to have someone who belongs to the culture compose the music. If that person can’t be found, I believe that it would be better to just not try and make the music. When it comes to another culture, I think it would be better to do it right than to do it and screw it up. Even though others can study it, there is a level of nuance to these things that often can only be captured by someone who has both studied and lived in the culture for their entire lives.

          And thanks for clarifying in your first comment. I forgot to mention in my first comment that I actually wasn’t assuming with your comment that your group is only white, but I’m glad you made that clear. the fact that your group is working with experts and native speakers is also great. It sounds like your group is genuinely making steps to do this the right way, and that’s good to see, even if you aren’t perfect.

          1. Reba*

            Thanks again. I think the conversation around cultural appropriation that’s been going on for a few years is so important, and I want to get clearer in my own thinking about it. I feel like what really matters is respect (like you are saying) and power — who is benefiting? That’s why like you I don’t think anyone should be or can be ‘restricted,’ but it matters *how* the thing is done. I especially appreciate your point that if you can’t do it well/with proper insider education, maybe just get a different idea.

      3. fposte*

        I think what you’re saying makes a whole lot of sense. I also think it’s easy to believe wholeheartedly in the importance of diversity but miss some of the implications of the lack of it in particular situations.

        I don’t think that means you have to adopt a cultural sterility in music (or in food, which I think operates similarly), but I feel like those of us in choruses, especially progressive-leaning choruses, have tended to an a priori exculpation–we’re cool, so this isn’t cooptation. But I think some conversations about “What if it isn’t cool, and what are we trying to achieve, and is the best way to achieve it?” are in order.

        1. Reba*

          Yeah, you’ve named the dynamic well! But “we are well-meaning” =/= “we can do whatever we think of and it’s all good.”

  36. Who Let the Dogs Out*

    I adopted 2 puppies a year ago and they are now almost 14 months old. They are very friendly, but are also in full puppy mode. Which means they will sometimes bark while they are outside. Not a problem, right? Sometimes dogs bark at other dogs, people, and sometimes when we think there is nothing there. They are not outside all the time, but during nice weather, we let them stay out most of the day, if they want to. Outside means in our fenced-in back yard.

    New neighbors moved in shortly after we adopted the puppies. We introduced ourselves and welcomed them to the neighborhood. Soon after, they had their first baby. Now, whenever the dogs bark for more than a few minutes, they text me and ask me to bring the dogs inside, which I do. One Sunday morning, I let the dogs out while I was getting ready for work. Apparently they barked, but I didn’t hear them. When I got to work 2 hours later, I noticed a text sent right after I had let them out. The text complained that the dogs had woken up the “whole house.”

    I have checked our city ordinance and we are in compliance. We wonder if the neighbors are hyper-sensitive because it’s their first baby? We want to be good neighbors, but I am now stressed whenever the dogs go outside, which is making me resent my neighbors. I have stopped apologizing when they send texts asking us to bring the dogs in. I don’t know what to do about this. I thought this would be the perfect place to get suggestions on what to say to my neighbors to come up with a compromise that works for both of us.

    Thanks in advance. I just know you will help me say the right thing.

    1. fposte*

      I’ll be interested to hear what people say. I’m a dog-lover but I’m afraid I’m not on the side of letting dogs bark for a few minutes when they’re outside in a built-up neighborhood; if they’re barking solidly in one go that lasts over a minute on a regular basis, that’s bad neighborhood juju, especially if it’s late or early. It’s also possible that your neighbors are from places with tighter ordinances. I know your arrangement is convenient for you and it would be a pain for you to end it, but it confers no advantage and some disadvantage on your neighbors. So what change could you offer them, and what feels like too much to you?

      One possibility is to consider if there’s a barking pattern–are they being fence-reactive at a particular location that brings them closer to the neighbors (another neighbor’s dog at a fence is just bark bait) and is there a way they can be curbed from that spot? Can you keep them farther away from the neighbors’ house in general? I would also bring them back in *before* they bark before 9 am and after 9 pm–they can go out and pee and poop and then come back in, rather than you coming back to them.

      So I’d start with that–stating that you will keep them away from the big bark spot and that you will change your practice so they don’t get left unattended to bark in the early morning and later at night; I’d also promise to be more responsive to texts about their being a problem. Depending on your neighbors, that might be enough to make them happy, because it makes it clearer that you’re willing to change now that you know the noise really is a problem for them.

      It’s a tricky business, getting along with neighbors, but I think it’s worth some work; it’s just a question of whether this is the right amount for you and for them.

      1. Natalie*

        Yeah, if it’s sustained barking for more than 30-60 seconds, that’s a totally different animal (hyuk hyuk) than 4 barks at the mail carrier or whatever.

    2. LAI*

      To be honest, I think you should stop letting your dogs bark outside. I have 2, and all 3 of the neighbors who border our backyard also have dogs. If course, they bark at each other through the fences sometimes. 3 of us will fetch our dogs and quiet them down or bring them back inside when this happens. One neighbor NEVER does – it seems to be an outdoor dog who never goes inside. Anyway, having to get up and fetch my dogs constantly is annoying but having to listen to dogs bark all day is worse.

    3. Athena X*

      I am a lifelong dog owner. I don’t think it is appropriate to allow your dogs to bark if you know it is disturbing the neighbors. In your last example, your dogs could have been barking for over 2 hours outside. I am amazed that your city ordinance allows that. As a dog owner myself, I would be calling the police and/or animal control if my neighbor’s dogs were barking that much. It IS annoying.

      I hope you can take this feedback in the spirit it is intended and see this form your neighbor’s perspective.

      1. Ktelzbeth*

        I read it a little differently. OP put the dogs out while she was getting ready for work, brought them in, went to work, and then saw the text she had missed earlier while she was getting ready for work. I don’t know how long the dogs were barking, but I don’t think it was the whole two hours.

        1. Who Let the Dogs Out*

          You are correct – in this case, the dogs were out while I was getting ready for work. I didn’t hear them barking at all. I let them in and went to work. I saw the text when I got to work – the text had been sent 2 hours earlier.

    4. Bigglesworth*

      Hearing everyone’s different opinions is very interesting to me. Growing up, we had dogs and would leave them outside if it was a nice day. They weren’t particularly loud, but would bark at random things. Our neighbors did the same. No one complained about the dogs. What is probably different than in your situation is we lived a bit away from the city on one acre and so did our neighbors.

      1. Natalie*

        I’m not sure random barks are as much of a problem as continuous barking. In my view, no one sensible expects perfect quiet in the city and some random dog barking is part of that. But it sounds like OP’s dogs are barking for longer stretches.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Proximity of neighbors is definitely a key part here.

        Less seems to be done about it in the country/back roads areas. However, country folks are just as annoyed by a dog left outside to bark all day. A friend says his neighbor’s dog barks and the echo bounces around such it is like three dogs barking.

    5. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I’m afraid I’m with everyone else. We have a neighbor who lives his dogs outside on a tether for hours on end, and the dogs bark quite a bit. A few barks every once in a while doesn’t bother me, but this goes on for ages and it’s really disruptive. I don’t think our neighbor even realizes it. Unfortunately, he’s not the most social person (it’s an odd living situation) so no one has been able to say anything that sticks.

      I get the desire to leave dogs outside. Our bud loves to sit on the porch in the sun, and sometimes he moves down to our fenced-in front yard. The occasional bark at people who pass or at a random roaming cat is bad enough, more than two or three successive barks means he comes inside. It’s not worth it to me to annoy– or, worse, frighten– my neighbors.

    6. Pollygrammer*

      Do they bark when you’re outside with them? Dogs can–sometimes–be trained to listen to “no barks” and come to associate that with no barking at all. It’s probably worth investing in real training.

      I agree with others that periodic barking isn’t complain-worthy, but sustained barking is a nuisance, whether your noise ordinances say so or not. And you really can’t let them wake people up, that’s unreasonable.

    7. Who Let the Dogs Out*

      Thanks for the comments so far. I am not offended at all. I agree that sustained barking is not acceptable. We don’t put the dogs outside and ignore them when they bark. And we definitely don’t leave them outside barking late at night or early in the morning. Our dogs are part of our family – we don’t throw them outside out of convenience. They live inside with us and go outside because they want to be outside.

      Our city ordinance considers it a violation if the barking occurs continually for more than 15 minutes between 10:00 pm and 8:00 am or for more than 30 minutes between 8:00 am and 10:00 pm. We aren’t breaking those rules. The neighbors aren’t from someplace with stricter ordinances. They are from the country and not used to having neighbors. We are not ignoring the texts – we bring the dogs in whenever we get a text. I have just stopped apologizing/responding to the texts.

      What I’m hearing is that even though my dogs are not breaking the city ordinance, we need to just bring them in instead of trying to work out a compromise with the neighbors. I will admit I’m disappointed about this, as we do not complain when their dogs are barking or they decide to mow their lawn early in the morning, just as we don’t complain when our neighbors on the other side do the same. But I will take this advice because I have followed this site for quite awhile and respect your opinions.

      1. Natalie*

        Just as a general rule, I think the law is something you can lean on if you’re having a dispute with a neighbor where neither side will budge. But it doesn’t necessarily define the best operating standards for neighborly behavior. To use a rather extreme example, it’s not illegal for me to decide to nickname my neighbor “Asshat” and call him that every time I see him. But if I do that, I shouldn’t expect him to like me terribly much.

        1. Who Let the Dogs Out*

          I think I have to recognize that my tolerance level of dogs barking periodically and other neighborhood noise like children yelling while they’re playing in their yards or riding their bikes is higher than my neighbors. Luckily I don’t have children, so I won’t be asked to quiet them down.

          1. fposte*

            I think that’s an important realization–I’m like that about some office shenanigans, so it takes me a minute to realize that other people are unhappy. I also think that your own dog tends not to bother you as much, like your own house weirdnesses and computer habits. You’re also being really measured and non-defensive about the discussion, which I’m always impressed by.

            1. Who Let the Dogs Out*

              Thank you for saying that. I was afraid I was coming across as defensive. It’s always interesting to realize when others have a different opinion from you when you think something is reasonable (or not) and this is obviously one of those times!

              1. Basia, also a Fed*

                You’re not being defensive at all. In fact, I’m very impressed with how you’re reacting to everyone’s comments. A lot of people don’t respond so maturely and thoughtfully when others disagree with them.

                We have about two acres and three large dogs. As soon as we hear them start barking, we bring them in. The husky mix is usually the culprit; we also have a shepherd mix and a lab mix. Interestingly, our neighbors on both sides have told me that they don’t mind because we live in the country (one neighbor has four acres and the other has ten). However, I know I would mind if the situation was reversed, so I try to pay close attention.

          2. Natalie*

            I totally get that – there are neighbor things I’ve heard people complain about (including here) that just do not bother me one bit and I would internally roll my eyes if my neighbor complained about it. But, in real life, if it’s realistically possible and not super inconvenient, and there’s a relationship there to save, I’ll try and accommodate them. If I was in your position, I would probably try and clear the air a bit with your neighbors – apologize for any sustained barking that has happened, inform them that you’re working on it (whether that means training or bringing the dogs in right away) but also acknowledge that dogs are not going to exist in cathedral like silence outside *if they seem to have that expectation*. (I still can’t quite tell how long or what kind of barking your dogs are doing.)

            Another observation: sometimes when I can’t accommodate someone, I get a little annoyed that they don’t see and accept my side. But that isn’t actually necessary and its not under my control. It bothers one of my neighbors a little bit that both my spouse and I park in our parking pad, because he has to do a more complicated K turn to get out of his garage. (The previous owners only had one car.) Oh well, he’s going to be bothered I guess! I can’t really do anything about that, so I have to just ignore it.

            1. Who Let the Dogs Out*

              The barking is for the most part periodic, but has on occasion been sustained for a few minutes when there have been strangers or other animals too close to the property line. When this happens, they are brought inside asap.

              I think I’ll hand deliver a “We’re sorry” card from the dogs and write that we’re trying to do better, but will sometimes slip up. I’m sure my neighbors are fed up, but their texts have always been nice enough. I’m the one at fault because I let myself get frustrated at receiving texts at times I didn’t think texts were warranted. And I chose to simply bring the dogs inside and not respond to the texts, because I didn’t want to let my frustration come out in a text back to them, and make matters worse.

              I truly appreciate everyone’s comments, even though for the most part, they are opposite of what I was expecting (and to be honest, wanting) to hear. This has been eye-opening. :)

              1. Anono-me*

                This, this comment right here is one of the best parts about AMA commenters.

                Also, please check out bark collars that use scent. A friend and neighbor of mine fostered a dog that should have been named “Sir Barks All Day.” The collar would beep a little after the first bark, a little louder beep after the second etcetera; then eventually it would release a stink spray. It helped him learn that occasionally barking was okay; but constant barking was not okay.

                1. Who Let the Dogs Out*

                  I have not heard of this and I thought I knew a lot about the products that are out there. I will look into this. Thanks!

              2. LAI*

                Thanks for taking everyone’s feedback so gracefully! I did think it’s probably the barking for a few minutes that’s causing issues. Even 60 seconds can be a long time when it’s something like dog barking while you’re trying to sleep. We used to let our dogs go in and out freely, but got an official city notice that they were barking a lot when we weren’t home. Our practice now is to only let the dogs out when we’re home and if they start barking, move to get them almost immediately. It still takes maybe a minute for me to get to the back door, get their attention, and very them to stop, but at least the neighbors can hear us trying too.

          3. Stormy*

            This is an important realization, and it can go both ways–I had a neighbor who was overly sensitive to this sort of thing (from my POV, that is) because he worked third shift and was just generally exasperated with how 9-5 centric the world is. I don’t have dogs or children, but I noticed that he was always outside yelling at someone. Once I understood his situation better, it became less frustrating.

      2. oranges & lemons*

        I have to say, I would probably find it pretty annoying to listen to a neighbour’s dog barking for 15-30 minutes straight! A couple of barks wouldn’t bother me but I think the city ordinance is much more lenient than the average neighbour would be. I get that that makes life harder for you though–barking is a hard habit to train a dog out of.

      3. LCL*

        Their dogs bark outside? And they mow the lawn early? Maybe meet the neighbors over coffee and agree on quiet times.

    8. anonagain*

      Hm, you said the dogs are in “full puppy mode.” What does that mean? Are you expecting them to grow out of the barking? Are you doing something to prevent the barking from becoming a more deeply ingrained habit?

      I don’t think your neighbors are being hypersensitive at all. Your dogs woke them up on a Sunday morning. That’s incredibly frustrating at best. It can be absolutely awful for sleep-deprived parents who may have struggled to get a to sleep, people who are sick, shift workers, et al.

      Surely you’ve experienced a situation where you really needed sleep and someone disturbed you. It’s that frustration, over and over. Plus the frustration of someone ignoring your request for a bit of consideration.

      I think your neighbors are being quite patient and reasonable here. I would be glad for neighbors who communicate directly about problems instead of escalating them and creating trouble for you.

      I think it would really help when you talk to them not to bring up the issue of the city ordinance (if they do, I think you can address it but don’t dwell on it). I think it gets into farting in elevators/microwaving fish territory. It might not be against the rules, but you won’t win any fans if you insist on doing it repeatedly when there’s an alternative.

      1. Who Let the Dogs Out*

        Full puppy mode = puppy energy, which they burn off by playing (not barking) with each other. The barking is at a strange dog or person getting too close to our property, back at other dogs they hear barking, and occasionally at something in the woods behind the house. Quite honestly, I do want them to bark when a stranger is walking behind our fence in the backyard.

        I do think they will outgrow this as they get older, because their mixture of breeds tend to be lazy and are doorstops (as my husband describes them).

        I wasn’t planning on bringing up the city ordinance – just mentioned it here to be clear that we are not in violation. Personally, I don’t think hearing a dog bark at 8:30 – 9:00 on a weekend morning is unreasonable, as long as it isn’t sustained barking. I hear the dogs from my neighbor on the other side as early as 5 am, while he’s getting ready for work. It doesn’t happen daily, but it happens. And I don’t think it’s anything to complain about.

        I am not ignoring their requests. I bring the dogs in when they complain. I just haven’t always texted back.

        I hear loud and clear that I should not expect to be able to come up with a compromise with the neighbor. I respect that and I will do my best to bring the dogs back inside before the neighbor feels the need to complain.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          Hmm… I do think anything before 930am on a weekend can be extra disruptive. It’s like mowing your lawn, which sometimes has to be done early but is not really very nice. So maybe experiment with waiting until a bit later?

        2. anonagain*

          Hey, sorry that my comment was basically piling on when you addressed these points. I was still typing when you posted those replies. (I sometimes type with pointer, which is quite slow!) I know it’s frustrating to feel like you’ve addressed something already and have people keep harping on it.

    9. Valancy Snaith*

      Honestly, any more than a couple of barks is incredibly annoying to neighbours. I have two neighbours with dogs–one who shares a fence with us, and their dog is never a nuisance. He’ll occasionally bark at a squirrel, or a leaf, or a friend, but never more than a couple of times. The other neighbours leave their dog tethered in the front yard for hours on end when the weather allows, and it’s bark bark bark bark bark all day long. It’s awful to listen to and a bunch of other neighbours have complained to the bylaw officer.

      Even barking for a few minutes can be incredibly hard to listen to.

    10. Murphy*

      One of my dogs is a barking jerk. I bring them in the second she starts barking. (They’re only out when I’m home.) It has taught her that she’s not allowed to bark at everybody all the time, so I’ve had to do it less and less. (We’ve been in a house with a fenced in yard for about 6 months.) Maybe you can try something like that?

    11. Amey*

      I’m with everyone here and I think you’re coming to the right conclusion about how to proceed but I did want to note that I do think the baby thing is probably a part of it. I’m fairly tolerant of barking dogs (I used to have a rescue dog with some barking issues), but I also have a baby who hasn’t been up less than 5 times a night in 6 months. Every time I put the baby down in her bed I don’t know if I’ll get 5 minutes’ sleep or an hour but it won’t be much more than that and at 8am on a Sunday I might well have only had a couple hours sleep. It might not be totally reasonable but if the baby’s just finally gone back to sleep and then something external wakes her up (I’m in a town too and this happens a lot), I might well cry. Naps in the daytime are almost the same situation so it’s not confined to nighttime hours – I expect people to ring my doorbell but when I’m that desperate for rest, I can’t help resenting it in the moment.

      I just want to present that perspective because I get the sense that you feel like they’re really overreacting – and I think the constant angry texting is a bit much on their part – but there’s a good chance that they’re dealing with the above and it might help shift the way you feel about it if you think about it that way. Mine is baby number two and I’m still in shock sometimes at the level of exhaustion. I think it’s charitable to assume something along those lines and go into the conversation with compassion.

      1. Who Let the Dogs Out*

        This is one of the reasons I came here for opinions. I do not have children, so I cannot pretend to know what that kind of exhaustion is like. I know my sister was very sensitive to any noise with her first child (even our mother thought she was hyper-sensitive), but by the 3rd, it was anything goes. Also, a friend who has a son said she wanted noise to get him used to it and learn to sleep through it. She said she made a point of vacuuming when she put him down. Although she says he can now sleep through anything and it’s next to impossible to wake him up, so she admits she may have overdone it.

        I came here for advice, knowing my sister’s and my friend’s experiences were not the norm. My neighbors did not complain about any barking until the baby was born, so I assume that must be what is going on. I just hope that soon my neighbors and their baby can get enough rest that an occasional bark or 2 or 3 won’t be a problem.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      Growing up we had these neighbors that were everyone’s nightmare. So while they did Things A through Z, they reported us for our barking dog. I think it took us five minutes to get the dog in or some such. And we were told if that dog barks one more time then the dog will be taken from us and destroyed. This was back in the 60s.

      I grew up knowing at the first bark I had to RUN to get the dog. She aged and she mellowed, so the barking was less of an issue. She also learned silent ways to communicate with us. I can remember her putting her paws on the side of the house and peering in the kitchen window at us, to signal she was ready to come in.

      Having not seen any other way of handling things, when I got my own house with a dog, I continued to run each time the dog barked. To be honest I resented the seeming lack of tolerance on the part of neighbors. But as time marched on and I started getting compliments on how I handled my dog, my resentment lessened. It took years to see this unfold. One day my previous dog got loose on me. Instead of scolding me, my neighbors pitched in and helped me get the dog back. I am on a shared driveway and another neighbor will plow my dog run when he is doing the rest of the driveway. Little things like this have added up for me. But it took me a long time to see it.

      I hope I can encourage you that this is worth putting your time into. I have wonderful neighbors who have helped me in so many ways. It’s worth it to try to keep the neighbors happy as you may have neighbors who turn into gems later on.

    13. LilySparrow*

      Having read your specifics on timing, where I live your neighbors would be considered ridiculous.

      I might offer to keep the dogs in during specific naptimes, but that would be a stretch, in my view.

      I’ve never owned a dog, but grew up & live with dogs all around. Outside noises happen.

      The neighbors are essentially asserting the right to tell you what you can legally do on your own property.

      I’d say something like, “I know getting used to a new baby is rough. The quiet hours here in the neighborhood are 10pm to 8am. If you can give me a time frame when Baby naps, we’ll try to keep the dogs in during that time also. But I can’t commit to watching for a text and bringing them in on a moment’s notice. It’s just not a sustainable system.”

    14. acmx*

      I’m on your side actually. There is always noise. I live in Florida – people are mowing the lawn year round. For DIY, it will be on a weekend early in the morning to beat the heat and humidity. Lawn care Co use blowers.
      I say this as someone who had neighbors with two large dogs and little yappy one that barked and would bark at my dog when she was out (and did not bark back). They usually were good about bringing them in.
      Other neighbors had a yappy dog they left outside (enclosed patio) often and barked constantly. I think the dog was kicked outside more once they had a baby. I tolerated the obnoxious three dogs better bc their owners didn’t usually allow them to bark a lot.

      Honestly, if they had starting texting me about my dog barking, I would have done the same back. Not tit for tat but I’d no longer be as willing to suck it up.

      1. LilySparrow*

        I do wonder how they’re going to cope when the weather warms up.
        I may be making a lot of assumptions, but IME when folks move into a built-up area because they’re expecting a baby, it’s for the schools.
        If there’s a lot of school kids, there will be long, long afternoons of shouting and shrieking if it’s warmer than about 50F.

        What are they going to do? Text all the neighbors to force their children to stay indoors?

        Then again, they may get a grip on themselves in a few weeks. That first couple of months makes you blotto.

  37. LAI*

    I just got engaged this week. People who are married, how is it different? I already live with my partner, and I am having a hard time seeing how marriage will change anything (which is making it hard for me to act like it is as big of a deal as everyone else seems to think it is). Also, we definitely want to keep the wedding low key but I know we are going to get a ton of family pressure to make it an event. Any ideas how to handle that, aside from eloping?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I feel like my experience might not be relevant, because becoming legally family was a really big deal to me – and I feel settled and like I have roots. It’s just a piece of paper but one that means the world to me.

      Also, trivial things seem to matter less.

    2. Natalie*

      I have a very long term (close to a decade) cohabiting partnership and a marriage to compare, although they were with different people. The primary difference to me is that I feel intentionally part of a family or a team with my spouse in a way that I never did with my partner. [Obviously a marriage is not required to have that mindset shift, that’s just how it happened for me.] There were some internal reasons for that – my partner and I had vaguely committed to a future together but not in any concrete manner. I wasn’t willing to fully combine finances (not even a joint checking account), buy property, or have kids without some legal structure in place. And outside of our relationship, people did not approach us the same way they approach me and my spouse even though my husband and I have been together a shorter amount of time. I think that last one might have faded if we had been together for decades or were just not in our 20s, but who knows. All of that said, for what it’s worth I felt these changes over time. Not much felt different the week we got engaged.

      As far as making a wedding low key, what worked for us was keeping it very small. I come from a big family (blended, so 5 families of origin) but we had less than 40 people at our wedding. Most of my mother’s enormous Irish Catholic family simply wasn’t invited. The small size made it easier to plan, less expensive, and allowed us to actually spend time with all of our guests, which I appreciated. You could also consider alternative wedding formats, like a courthouse ceremony and a dinner somewhere.

    3. oldbiddy*

      I lived with my husband for two years before getting married, and we are middle aged. To be honest, in our day to day lives, there’s not much difference other than the practical/legal stuff (health insurance, on each other’s checking accounts, filing taxes jointly, etc)
      We got married at the courthouse, took our parents/siblings and a couple of friends to dinner afterwards, and then had a big barbeque two days later. It was pretty low key, other than my husband turning into groomzilla about wanting to have enough food + beer. (Now I know to just expect him to buy 3X as much food as needed whenever we have a party)
      Anyway, if you’re paying for it, the best way to keep it from becoming an event is to not solicit any feedback from anyone other than your partner and one or two trusted friends.

    4. Reba*

      Congratulations! You get some really nice gifts?

      In seriousness, we were together for like six years before becoming engaged. Even now I can’t put my finger on quite how it’s different, but it is and I’m happy to be married. The secure feeling that anything that happens, we will get through it together, perhaps? I mean, I already believed that before the wedding. And I also know I’d be fine on my own. But still somehow it’s settled on me differently.

      I surprised myself by finding that the wedding itself, actually doing the ceremony to declare our intent to be together (in addition to just quietly daily living our intent) was really special to me. More meaningful than the sort of performance I expected. We wrote the entire ceremony to suit us, but I’ve heard from other that using the handed-down script, saying words that generations of people have said, was meaningful to them.

      Returning to the gift thing, in truth receiving nice household stuff (I was really resistant to registering and gifts at all!) has contributed to a shift in how we think about investing in our living spaces and how we spend time at home.

      Also I *highly* recommend A Practical Wedding (website and book).

      1. WonderingHowIGotHere*

        Yes! This! All of this!
        We’ve been married 5 years, but were together over 10 before then. We were committed before, but there’s a hard to describe comfort that develops, especially after the honeymoon period

      2. LAI*

        Thanks for this! I can see actually the ceremony being really meaningful if done right. I’m a very private person – we both are – so the idea of laying out my feelings in public like that is kinda scary but I guess that’s part of it. You’re demonstrating your commitment by making it public. And thanks for the book tip – will definitely check that out!

    5. Red Reader*

      I don’t find it to be different at all, barring the legalities, but even those are minimal – we keep our finances separate, we’re not on each other’s insurance or whatnot, I think the only thing we actually changed was that I added $10k in life insurance on him through my work. That said, we met in 2004, became housemates in 2012, started dating in 2014 and married in 2017, so we were pretty used to each other beforehand.

    6. Nicole*

      Congratulations! My husband and I lived together for four years before getting married. We even owned our home before getting married, so not much changed, other than me being able to say husband instead of boyfriend or fiance.

    7. A.N.O.N.*

      Congrats!

      Fiancé and I have lived with each other for nearly 4 years now. Honestly, getting married won’t change much. It’s just the next step to progress in our lives. Not sure how you feel about it, but I certainly feel way more comfortable referring to him as my fiancé than my boyfriend. “Boyfriend” was just starting to feel too immature for our 7+ year relationship. So, there that at least.

    8. Agnodike*

      I married my spouse after almost a decade living together, and it wasn’t at all a big deal to me. I felt like absolutely nothing changed, and I still feel like nothing has changed. I wouldn’t have cared if we had continued to cohabit, unmarried, indefinitely.

      Getting married was a HUGE deal for my spouse. It made him feel more secure, he enjoys having our relationship recognized legally, it’s meaningful for him to have our family culturally legitimized, and it just gives him an overall warm and pleasant feeling to be married.

      Marriage, like everything else, is a deeply individual thing. It matters to some people, it doesn’t matter to other people. It’s fine if you don’t care about it very much; I didn’t, and I don’t, and I’m very happy.

      We had a super low-key wedding because I was just starting residency so we had no money. We didn’t elope because we wanted to get married in our own city, but we did get married at city hall and then host a reception for ~80 people ourselves. I cooked all the food and we bought the booze in bulk. We decorated our large backyard pretty minimally and hosted everyone there. It was amazing and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Everyone had an awesome time. My mother-in-law was extremely bummed that we weren’t having a huge to-do and especially that we weren’t getting married in a church (which is especially passive-aggressive on her part given that I’m of a non-Christian faith and my spouse is an atheist…) but we handled that by giving her a billion jobs to do so she felt really involved, and it seemed to work out well. At the end of the day, it’s your life and your event; if people get grumpy about it, have no compunction about expressing regret for their sad feelings while leaving them to manage those feelings themselves.

      1. LAI*

        Thanks for this! Yeah, I kind of almost feel like I don’t care – like I wouldn’t care if we never got married. But saying that feels rude, like I don’t actually want to do it, which isn’t what I mean. I’m glad there are others who feel the same, and it worked out ok!

        Also love the idea of a backyard wedding, but probably catered!

        1. Agnodike*

          I really emphasized a lot how happy I was to be with him for the rest of our lives to make up for my fairly obvious lack of enthusiasm about the institution of marriage itself. It wasn’t the last time we disagreed on which social conventions were really important and which were essentially optional (ah, I remember well the Great Debate About Teaching the Kids Excruciatingly Correct Table Manners of ‘15…)

          If you have a good-sized backyard and a small guest list, backyard weddings are AMAZING. Surpsingly easy to cook and prep for oneself, but if you have the cash a caterer is always a simpler option. We rented a bunch of long tables and chairs, dressed them up with some jazzy tablecloths, had a DJ set up in the garage, and away we went! Pinterest is chock a block full of decorating ideas for a “rustic wedding” or backyard wedding look, and I was actually really surprised how cheap some of the decoration stuff was. Go for it!!

        2. Natalie*

          If you can afford it, definitely hire a caterer! You might not mind making the food yourself but a caterer will do so much more, like bus tables, deal with the trash, and set up/tear down the chairs and tables and such. I spent the last 30 minutes of my wedding stacking tables and chairs and figuring out where we were going to store them since the rental place was closed until Monday. It was a PAIN and I wish I had paid a little extra to let the caterers handle it.

      2. Loopy*

        Ohhhh not to hijack but I am completely the spouse in this situation! I was going to type out a very similar situation but I hope it’s okay to nest here! I totally understood and accepted that getting married is more important to me and I personally don’t hold it against my spouse. As long as I don’t feel he’s against it or I’m dragging/forcing him into it, it’s okay that I feel more strongly about it. That will happen in life :)

        As for keeping it from getting out of control I second another poster who said to share less about planning. I’ve already run into this and had to pull back.

        1. Agnodike*

          It took me longer than I care to admit to stop being dismissive about how important the marriage piece was to Mr Agnodike. I finally started to understand that just because something isn’t important TO ME, that didn’t mean it was objectively not important. That realization has turned out to be very very very important over the course of the marriage. So you’re way ahead of me on that one!

    9. Overeducated*

      Congrats! Getting engaged felt like the big shift to me, because that’s when it became very clear that we were planning our whole futures together. We were both getting PhDs at the time and finding jobs in the same place after grad school can be very, very difficult, so getting married was a way of committing to each other first and careers second. A lot has changed in our lives since then, and I think if we were unmarried partners, we would have lived apart for who knows how long after grad school, put off having kids, and hopefully stayed together but I think careers would have come first. I could see it being less stark if you are already well established but I think it provides a sense of shared priorities for the long term future.

    10. Artemesia*

      If you would like a wedding but not a big expense deal, have a small party at home and get married there and sit around and eat afterwards. If it is summer, a backyard picnic is great. You don’t need to have a traditional high cost wedding to please family; please yourself. If having family there is important to them and to you too then do a low key party to celebrate that doesn’t cost more than having family over for a family dinner party or picnic. If it is a thing in your family, you could even do a potluck.

      The legal rights and obligations and benefits of marriage are important when they are important. When your spouse is in the hospital, when you need insurance coverage, when you are widowed, in planning retirement accounts and wealth management. For better or worse is important. As someone who has been married nearly 50 years we are now entering that period. My husband has a disability that is inconvenient now and may get seriously so; I have his back. Alas I have a potentially life threatening issue and so he has mine. We are in a contest to see who will need whom the most. the best part of marriage for me is old age and being able to face the inevitable miseries that brings together and enjoy the pleasure of growing family etc together.

    11. Aly_b*

      Congrats! I know it means a lot to many people, but personally I didn’t feel like it changed anything in our relationship at all. We were together 10 years before getting married, and finally got hitched before moving to the states (from Canada) because we wanted to keep getting the tax benefits and on each others health insurance and whatnot. I do like the sparkly ring I picked out and asked him to buy me though.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      My husband used to say weddings and funerals are for those left behind. Leave it to him to fit the words weddings and funerals into one sentence.

      But his saying helped me somewhat. I did not feel the big deal about the wedding ceremony itself. I had already made my commitment. So perhaps those in the viewing audience get something out of it. It is a nice gesture to include others in your life. Happy moments do not come around often enough. Every day seems to have some sort of battle. So the wedding and reception are a time out from all that.

      That said. If you want to elope, just elope. We had a regular wedding to accommodate the Loudest Voice in the Group, my MIL. We spent money that we actually needed for other things on this little wedding. Let’s just say many eye-rolling things happened along the way. The day was so awful, my husband and I never spoke of it again. After that I vowed never again to bend so much to accommodate other people, especially those who will never be satisfied anyway. Know your peeps. Will they be genuinely grateful to spent time with you at the start of a new chapter in your life or will they b!tch and moan every inch of the way.

      1. Natalie*

        My stepmom said something similar when we were discussing weddings. That part of the purpose is to make your commitment publicly to your community, and they show up to show that they recognize and support your commitment. Not necessarily that everyone who accepts an invitation is thinking that, but it can serve that societal function.

    13. fort hiss*

      I lived with my partner for about four years before getting married, just had my first wedding anniversary, and… well, it doesn’t feel different to me at all. I was already “all in” before we got married, so that might have made a difference. I am honestly confused by people who say they instantly or quickly felt different. Why???

        2. Nye*

          There are so many classical musicians (and opera divas!) it would be amazing to see. But a young Mozart, little prodigy that he was, would be fascinating. Also, since he was famous so young, I bet the whole act of seeing him play would be fascinating in terms of the venue, other guests, etc.

        3. Reba*

          I’d say Mozart’s sister! She is supposed to have composed music as well, but if so none of it survives.

      1. Pearly Girl*

        Saw Queen twice with Freddie, in the late 1970s. Twice, in the last 4 years, with Adam Lambert.

        Adam’s not Freddie and we all know that, but they’re still absolutely AMAZING today.

        There’s no one like Freddie and never will be.

          1. Mimmy*

            Saw him with Queen a few years ago. No one will ever match Freddie Mercury, but Adam was still really terrific.

    14. Merci Dee*

      Beethoven, without a doubt.

      Also, Journey. I am completely in awe of Steve Perry’s voice. I think it’s a three-way tie for best voice of 80s rock between Freddie Mercury, David Bowie, and Steve Perry.

      1. Reba*

        My mom and I talked about seeing him on one of the 2000s tours and both bitterly regret not doing it.

    17. Casuan*

      -Ella Fitgerald
      -Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
      -A Dress Rehearsal for a Play in the Court of Queen Elizabeth
      -A Day in the Studio with Leonardo da Vinci
      -A Lecture from the Architects of the Egyptian Pyramids (yeah, I know; it isn’t quite that simple)

    20. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      In descending order of preference….

      June 18, 1988, Rose Bowl – before the drugs, the classic lineup, the first “wheatfield” by the crowd. Maybe no Enjoy the Silence, but yes please to Things You Said and Blasphemous Rumors live.

      December 3, 1982, London Hammersmith Apollo – Ultravox’s Monument show to see the fabulous live drumming ending to The Voice as well as the racks of fabulous classic analogue/digital synths they were using at the time. Midge Ure’s voice as powerful and pure as it was ever going to be (he’s still got it though, just has to really push to hit those notes) Huh – just realized I was at that venue exactly 35 yrs to the date in December!

      May 2, 1980, Birmingham – Joy Division’s last performance

      July 13, 1985, Live Aid – both London and Philadelphia- the iconic Queen performance, Bowie performing, early U2, more Ultravox (since Midge helped pull it together), the Cars with Ben Orr on bass.

      A Led Zepplin show with Bonham drumming
      Super early Human League (1977/78 post Travelogue, pre-Dare)

    22. I Hope I Die Before I Get Old*

      AIC with Layne.
      Sabbath with RJD.
      And I’d take my husband to see Sublime with Bradley Nowell.

      2. Peggy*

        I’d send myself back to 1968 to hang out with my 18 year old Mom. She saw Hendrix and Led Zeppelin that year.

    24. Elizabeth West*

      PINK FLOYD. Whenever anyone asks me “Beatles or Stones?” I always say “Pink Floyd.” They are my favorite band of all time forever and ever, amen. I never got to see them when they were a group. Someone I worked with once went with her boyfriend, and the next workday, I asked her (jealously) how it was. She said, “Eh, it was okay. I don’t really like them.”

      ARRRRGHHHHHHH

    26. FrontRangeOy*

      After studying J.S. Bach in historical context, I would sell a kidney and eggs to sit in a service where Bach was leading his own music. Apparently, the women did not come in to the service until it was time for the sermon and it was a big thing that required special music, etc.

      Franz Liszt

      Ella Fitzgerald

    27. nep*

      Of course I’m reminded of others as I read through the thread…
      Long-time Beatles fan here — that would be a dream.
      Ella! Yes.
      I was fortunate to see Frank Sinatra — quite late in his life so not in his prime, but hey, it was Frank.
      Would love to experience Ravi Shankar again.
      Elis Regina

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        JS Bach and Queen. Mozart would be good too.

        Come to think of it, I would love to know what Freddie would have done with a Bach Cantata.

    28. LCL*

      That Who concert At the Isle of Wight, where they played all night. I have read they played all of Tommy, and just kept going. The film was edited to have the Tommy stuff at the end.

      Led Zeppelin.

      Motörhead- never got to see them. Had tickets once and the show was cancelled. And fell off my skateboard that same day, it was a bad day. The sold out show they did here with the Reverend Horton Heat was my last chance, and I couldn’t get tickets.

      The Runaways.

    30. Cristina in England*

      1967: Three days after Sargent Pepper came out, Jimi Hendrix played the title track from the record at a club in London. Paul McCartney and George Harrison were in the audience. I would love to have been at that show.

    31. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I don’t even know where to start. I SO wish I could do this.

      Seconding (or ninthing? Eleventhing?) David Bowie and Queen for certain. The Ramones, when they were just getting started.

      Any of the 80s postpunk/new wave bands in the actual 1980s, as I’m such an 80s reject.

      I’d basically give anything to go back in time to late 1970s-early 1980s NYC and re-live that music scene — Mudd Club, CBGBs, the Clash at Bond and all of that.

    33. Jo*

      Shakespeare. Ideally Much Ado, Hamlet, or one of the Henry’s, but man, I’d settle quite happily for any of his plays!

  39. nep*

    The question above about time travel / seeing someone in concert reminds me — yesterday I drove past a local music theatre. On the marquee sign of upcoming events: David Bowie.
    Of course the event (I learned later) is ‘Celebrating David Bowie’ — From the website: Friends, former Bowie bandmates and world class players perform a career spanning concert of nothing but David Bowie music, David Bowie-style.
    It just looked odd to see just his name listed same as other performers.

    1. fposte*

      In the book world, dead authors are writing books all the time. It’s really weird. “Wait, aren’t they dead?”

      2. Book Lover*

        I’ve sometimes thought that if there were a heaven, it would be full of new books by my favourite authors. I would love more Chrestomanci books, for example.

        1. Emily*

          Co-signed on the Chrestomanci books! I like most things I’ve read by Diana Wynne Jones, but I have a major soft spot for the Chrestomanci ones in particular.

  40. Lady Jay*

    Anybody have tips for getting rid of old books?

    My academic work is all in the humanities, so I have a lot of books; and while I still work in the humanities, I’ve realized that I don’t want to keep all of these books. Many of them (Samuel Richard’s Pamela, DeLillo’s Mao II) I’m never going to read again. And the local library book sale probably doesn’t want them, as it has trouble selling books that are more than 5-10 years old.

    Do you throw away your old books? (That feels so disrespectful, but I guess I’m open to being convinced!) Do you do crafts with them? Do you donate them somewhere?

    I’m also curious if anybody sells old books on Amazon. I looked up the requirements and it seems a bit of a hassle, but it would be nice to make something off the books, buy a coffee with the proceeds.

    2. nep*

      Our local YMCA has a yearly book sale — people bring in books throughout the year for that. Possibly an option? (Of course you’d just be donating, not making anything on them.)
      Agree — I can’t stand the thought of disposing of a book.

    3. fposte*

      Goodwill will take them, if you’re near one. I no longer bother with anything else for book weeding unless it’s an individual volume that I know has at least double- or triple-digits value. (Though to be frank then it sits on another shelf until one day I get around to selling it.)

      1. Overeducated*

        Me too. I tried taking them to a used bookstore last move and still had to make a Goodwill trip because the store only wanted trade ins that looked new and were of general interest (nothing too academic). It’s not worth it to me to list them online and go to the post office to mail volumes *as they sell* for a profit of $3 or whatever.

    4. NoMoreMrFixit*

      Value Village takes old books. Depending on the book, some university libraries may enjoy them too. This is usually for rare old books.

      1. Pollygrammer*

        The best way to donate to university libraries is to email them a list of what you’ve got and ask if there’s anything they want. Dropping off a big box of books makes a lot of work, and people don’t tend to realize that. But they’re always happy to take gems, IME.

    5. GoryDetails*

      I sell books on Amazon sometimes; the setup takes a little while but once it’s in place the process is pretty simple. Do read all the advice beforehand, and be VERY careful about condition descriptions – I like to rate my books a notch lower than they actually are to make sure the buyer is pleasantly surprised. It’s helpful to see what other copies in similar condition are going for, too – if there are tons of copies available for under $5, I generally don’t bother selling them, as the process of wrapping and mailing does take time and energy. [There *is* an option to send your books to an Amazon warehouse for them to sell; it’s “fulfillment by Amazon”, and while I think it reduces the profits a bit more, it takes the busy-work off of your plate.]

      I do love to give books away, too. I’ve been an avid participant on BookCrossing for years; it’s a site that lets you register books with unique IDs so that (ideally) future readers can log them and you can see where your books travel. I tend to leave lots of books in Little Free Libraries – safe against bad weather, easier for people to find – but I also enjoy leaving them on park benches, near public sculptures, in geocaches, even suspended from trees in bags…

      The above only applies to books that are still sound enough to be readable, and that aren’t so badly out of date as to be worse than useless – some elderly textbooks don’t make the cut, and even fairly-recent computer and software guides become recycle-bin-worthy. [Or craft-worthy, if you like making things from books or pages-of-printing – I don’t do that myself but I’ve seen some lovely works of art out there.]

    6. LAI*

      A town near me has a book exchange spot at their recycling center. You drop off your books in a bin and there are people just hovering around to reclaim them.

    7. A Panda*

      Please consider just recycling them. I work in a library and we get many, many donations from people who don’t want to throw away books. More than we can ever sell, and many (due to condition, age, or topic) which would be better off as recycled paper. Our stories and cultural heritage can be sacred, but individual books are just paper.

      1. fposte*

        Agreed with you on the important differentiation between an individual title and an individual physical volume! In the recycling streams I know you can’t just put a hardback book straight into recycling–you have to remove the cover–so definitely check with the recycling program in your area. (My rule of thumb is that if it can take old Yellow Pages it can take paperbacks unless it explicitly says to the contrary.)

    8. Reba*

      Is there a student organization in your department that could sell them for a fundraiser?We would do this a couple times a year and use the money on snacks and fliers for our symposium.

      Definitely try a used bookstore (like Half Price Books) but listing things on Amazon was, for me, way too much hassle.

    9. Stormy*

      My work has a book fair for charity. I keep my donation pile all year until it’s time for the fair again.

    10. Lore*

      This probably only works in urban areas, but in my neighborhood if I put books out on the curb, they’ll be gone within the hour. (Usually I actually put them in the lobby of my apartment building–we have a 72-hour free-cycle system, where you can leave stuff for 2-3 days and then if no one takes it, it’s your job to dispose of–and then move to the street.) Otherwise I bring to Goodwill/Salvation Army.

    11. Not That Anne, The Other Anne*

      I have a two step process for non-friend Book Rehoming. First dibs goes to my local independent used bookstore, because they are awesome and I want to support them. I’ve sold to them for about ten years, so I know pretty much what they will and won’t want and only bring them things I think they’re likely to be interested in having. Everything the used bookstore doesn’t want goes to Half Price Books. I know HPB will sell what they can’t and donate/recycle what they can’t.

      My mom sold books on Amazon for awhile after she hit the recent textbook jackpot in her local Goodwill’s bargain barn, but eventually she ran out of textbooks and decided it wasn’t worth the hassle.

    12. Notthemomma*

      Search for some Little Free Library stewards in your area! Google ‘Little Free Library’, then here is a map to find local ones. Many of us stewards are always on the lookout for titles.

      Another option, contact a local underperforming high school. See if they would want the collection for classroom or library.

      1. poppunkcat*

        You could see if an art department would take them. When I took my 3D Design class(one of the 5 fundamentals on the way to my BFA, which I’m still working on), we had to create a work of art using a book or books. Being an art student is not an inexpensive endeavor, and I know that I and my fellow students would have appreciated not having to buy yet another thing. Although they may not have the room to store them. :(

    13. Casuan*

      Oh, I feel your angst on this!!
      …says me who finally just recycled the early 1990’s book “DOS for Dummies.”

      When I get rid of books, they either get donated or recycled. Fiction books are usually donated to Goodwill. For non-fiction books my litmus test is if the author or topic might be collectible &or if the information in the book is current enough to be helpful to anyone & if so, can the book easily get to the person who needs it?
      I’ve never bother to resell books because I didn’t want to deal with the process.

      1. Stephanie*

        I had a legacy system at an old job (as in, this was two years ago) that used DOS. I probably could have used that book.

    14. Anonymom*

      An email with a list of types/titles to your local high school library and teaching departments? I teach gifted high schoolers who are book hoarders. Picture an 18 year old in overalls and Doc Martins hugging a four volume German language dictionary in glee. Those are my people. Plus AP classes or independent studies might use specialty academic books.

    15. Natalie*

      You might look into prison donation. Each prison system has their own needs and their own requirements (example: no wire bound books) so you’d want to do a bit of research, but often they can use more textbooks than the average charity for prison education programs.

    16. Tuna Casserole*

      I donate them to schools, women’s shelters and thrift stores. Several local churches have regular yard sales, so I save books for them as well. And I have a book club where we trade books often. You could give them to a little free library, or start your own.

  41. Undine*

    My town has little free libraries all over — you could look up and see if there’s any near you. They are drop off boxes where people can leave books. Link to follow.

  42. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

    Coffee lovers:
    What kind of coffee beans should I get for my mom? She really loved some she had at a shop the other month, but balked at the price ($16 for 12oz). I’d like to get her something similar to try, but at a price point she’d be willing to pay regularly if she liked it.

    The coffee she liked is described as “caramel brittle, nougat, creamy body.” She especially liked the creaminess. Mom usually puts an inch or so of milk in her coffee, but drank this black. Anybody know a variety she’d like?

    Or is $21 a pound a reasonable price for nice coffee?

    1. ThatGirl*

      $21 is not outrageous for really good, freshly roasted coffee. We have some local roasteries I love that are like $12-$14 for 10 oz.

      Look at Mexican or Central American beans.

    2. Reba*

      Note the darkness or lightness of the roast as well. Most high-end or small batch beans will say the level of roast and that would be a good indicator of other varieties she might like. Personally I favor light roasts as all darks taste basically the same to me.

      My fave beans ever are Papua New Guinea. Tastes like grass and chocolate. Freshness of the roast also matters.

      Lately I buy local roasts for about 14 – 18 bucks per pound. Organic or shade grown is often a bit more but I do try for those when available.

      I love that you are helping your mom with coffee discovery.

    3. Stephanie*

      I like Ethiopian coffees! $21 is on the high end, but I’ve seen that at local places. I usually spend $14-17 for a 12 or 16 oz bag, but I usually justify it in that I’m supporting a local business, it’s not that much more than a bag at the store, and it tastes way better. I’d say stick to lighter roasts–I find you can tell the differences in the beans that way.

    4. FrontRangeOy*

      I am a huge fan of ethiopian yirgacheff coffee. It’s extremely smooth, very drinkable black. It usually runs around $12 to 15 per pound where I live (but I live in a low cost of living area so I’d expect to pay more like $20 in a higher COL area).

      When I first got into single source beans (not blends like “breakfast blend,” etc) the country of Yemen grew hands down the best coffee I’ve ever had in my life. One of the many disasters of their civil war has been the wholesale, deliberate destruction of the country’s coffee plantations and the infrastructure that supported the growth and sale of coffee shipped from there.

        1. Grandma Mazur*

          Seconded – Yirgacheffe is a great coffee.
          Any good coffee seller should be able to help you match your mother’s preferences to a coffee type, and expensive coffee should come with tasting notes but, as a (very) general rule, although I agree with Stephanie that lighter roasts allow you to taste variations in flavour better, lighter does also tend towards fruitier flavours so you may not find it easy to get the creamy taste you’re after.

          1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

            So basically, find a good local place that sells beans and get what they tell me to. Probably in a light roast. I can do that. Thanks for the advice all.

  43. Undine*

    This is a long shot, but I have something in the conversion disorder/somatoform disorder family, and I’d like to connect with people who have had it a long time. I looked online for support groups but they are very much not active and the posts that are there tend to be people newly diagnosed. (I’ve never been formally diagnosed, but I’ve had this many years.) Anyone know of resources?

    1. Agnodike*

      Are you able to seek formal diagnosis? A psychiatrist might be able not only to offer you strategies for managing your symptoms but also to refer you to resources or a support group near you.

      1. Undine*

        That was one of the questions I had — is it worth it to get a diagnosis? Because if it becomes okay to charge for pre-existing conditions, I might not want this on my record.

    2. Lily Evans*

      It was SO GOOD! I can’t get over how that show manages to keep things interesting, I was a bit skeptical after season one how they’d move forward but I’ve yet to be disappointed by it.

    3. Forking Great Username*

      I’m so disappointed to be behind on this show thanks to the place we don’t talk about on weekends. (Even though that place is currently controlling my weekends, so no TV time for me right now.)

  45. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

    Do I really need to set up a custom voicemail message? For personal use I don’t quite see the need. Most anyone who I would return a call to will text me, but I’ve also been applying for a few part time jobs with this number so would I have to bite the bullet for that? What do I even say? It all feels so awkward and robotic.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      “Hi, you’ve reached Todd Chrisley Knows Best. I can’t get to my phone right now, so please leave a message and I’ll return your call as soon as I can. Thanks!” My work voice mail adds, “Have a great day!” For some reason I like my messages to be extra cheery.

      You don’t necessarily need the vm message, but it can’t hurt if you’re job hunting.

    2. Stormy*

      I just state my first name, and the system interjects that into the robotic phrase. I deal with a lot of spam and ID theft nonsense, so I prefer to give as little info as possible.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Please state at least your first name. I have to call numbers at work with personal/confidential information and I want to know I have a) reached the correct phone number and b) if others are sharing the phone. Often times I am guessing at the number I have dialed because I am trying to decipher someone else’s handwriting. People will leave me detailed messages with questions. If I know I have their personal cell, I will answer their questions. If I cannot ascertain who uses the phone, I just tell them to call me back. It’s a hassle.

  46. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’m struggling with remembering and respecting the fact that I get overstimulated easily by loud, busy social situations. I went to my friend’s birthday party and it was really fun for the first couple hours, then a bunch more friends showed up and it got loud and after a certain point I could tell my brain was kind of shutting down but I took way too long to figure out what to do about it. I wish I’d planned for that in advance.

    I’m doing well at exercise–on days I don’t bike to work I have a short bodyweight exercise and stretching routine I’ve been doing. It always helps me sleep and keep a check on my depression if I can do some exercise.

    How are you doing?

      1. fposte*

        Oh, that’s a great post–I’ve come to a lot of those things on my own. For me it’s that first part of the task that’s key–not being sure what to do next is lethal. That’s why a quick walk around the building or the block can be helpful–I can figure out what step one is while I’m up and moving and come back and just swoop down upon it.

      2. Junior Dev*

        I really like that post. I’m going to have to come back to it and think about how to apply it to my own life but I can relate so hard to the difficulty of just Doing A Thing.

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      I think that kind of overwhelm is something where it’s really common to have to figure it out through trial and error which of course is just miserable.

      I’m… hmm. On the one hand I got some big deadlines out the way and have had a lovely relaxing few days making lists which is so good and soothing for me. I’ve also been getting out of the house earlier and catching an earlier train which is great.

      However an issue with the lifts at work has been a huge hassle (stairs exhaust me). It’s been sorted and my manager was brilliantly supportive but it’s left me feeling very stressed and vulnerable and kind of depressed. Things like this can make me feel useless which is a kick in the self-esteem as I feel… defective. (In light of yesterday’s thread about cancer fights I would like to just be really clear that I wish to describe my own body and brain as defective and that is my choice. Someone recently tried to tell me I am not disabled but ‘handicapable’ and I’m surprised they still have all their own teeth. I can’t do stuff and I feel defective.)

      Also my estranged brother has attempted to be in touch which is categorically not good for my mental health. He sent post, which my husband has got rid of for me. I don’t know what was in it and don’t want to. I’m just exhausted mentally and physically right now.

      1. Alpha Bravo*

        I’m sorry Ramona. I’m glad your husband is there. Personally I’m not a big fan of having a human body (which includes the brain). They are ridiculously fragile and break down easily. I hope you can get some rest, both physical and mental.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I have often thought that when stuff wears us down it is not just one thing or one event, it’s usually a cluster of things and events. Sometimes I catch myself thinking if I just had to deal with X, I might be okay here. But dealing with W, X, Y and Z is over the top.

        I hope you have a list of things that help you restore or recharge and I hope you have time this weekend to work on that list. Even car batteries cannot drain and drain and drain. They have to be recharged and so do we.
        Every day seems to bring something.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          You are so right on this.

          I am doing some nice things to recharge and right now I’m just resting. Thank you.

    3. Red*

      I’m struggling very much with the fact that it’s long since been time for me to see a rheumatologist for what is very obviously a classic case of RA. I’m scared. That’s really it. And, I know that’s irrational, this is going to be way easier when it’s treated vs when it’s not, but that doesn’t change my emotions. Time for a therapist visit…

      I’m so very proud of myself for some plans I made: I’m going to be taking my first solo road trip in April provided my PTO request is approved, and I’m going to get a tattoo over my self harm scars once they’re healed enough. It’s about time I stopped seeing them in the shower :)

      Exercise is great, and I’m glad you’re finding it helpful, too :)

      1. Turtlewings*

        Fwiw, my mother’s had RA for years and though of course she has pain sometimes, it hasn’t taken over her life, bent up her hands or any of the terrifying stuff you hear about. It’s definitely possible to live with it as background noise. With treatment, though! You know this, but treatment is essential!

        What tattoo are you planning to cover your scars? That’s such a great idea!

        1. Red*

          I’ve been considering a floral tattoo for a while now, so I think I’m going to go for that. Lavender and yellow dandelions (before they get all fluffy) because I’ve always loved them so much and black-eyed susans for my grandmother. She’s the one who taught me all the names of the flowers. Thank you for all your encouragement :)

      2. Reba*

        RA person here. I have very well managed RA. And I still get emotionally weird sometimes about the appointments and put them off…. I just don’t like thinking about having a chronic illness. I really resent it when I have to fiddle with prescriptions and labs and so forth, even though I also feel grateful for my treatment. (I do enjoy getting and looking at my X-rays though.) So, my sympathies. It took me a long time to be diagnosed because I have an unusual presentation, but I got such quick results from medication, it was really amazing. My shoes fit again and I play piano and hike and do ballet all mostly without pain. Act sooner rather than later, because if you lose bone you don’t get it back!

        I hope you find a doctor that you click with and have great success with treatment.

        There’s tons of resources online about RA but I’d be happy to talk about it here, too, if you’d like.

    4. Forking Great Username*

      I can be like that with parties – I just come towards the beginning and get out of there when it starts to get overwhelming. Oh, and make goodbyes friendly but quick, since once it’s crowded it can be easy to get sucked into long goodbyes.

      I’m struggling this week. I started student teaching this week, and while I won’t get into too many details since this isn’t the work thread, I’ve been pulling 14 hour days – basically if I’m not eating dinner or picking my kids up from daycare or doing their bedtime routine, I’m working on school stuff. I downloaded a meditation app and have been starting off my day listening to that. Now that I’ve had a week to see what my difficult points are with the program, I’m trying to spend the weekend getting everything graded and my lessons and (hundreds of) papers copied and organized in a way that will keep me more organized and less stress.

      Everyone around me is dieting, and I’m just not in a place to devote any space in my mind to that – right now I’m so bogged down in work it’s an effort just to make sure I’m not skipping meals.

      Overall, I’m hoping to find a routine to get into soon with this program where I can have some work/life balance.

    5. T swift*

      My therapist just told me she was pregnant and due in June. Which obviously is very exciting for her and I’m happy for her but I can’t stop thinking about how that affects me. Which in turn makes me feel guilty. So that’s been fun.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your therapist is important to you and it’s very very common and understandable to find it hard to hear this and to worry about what it means. It’s also ok to discuss those worries with your therapist if you want to. It’s your time and it’s ok for it to be about you.

      2. Forking Great Username*

        Hey, I’m sure she is thinking about how it will affect her patients too! Don’t feel guilty.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        It’s okay to think of our own needs. And thinking of our own needs is a necessary part of our survival. If I said to you I am out of food and I am not worried about it, you’d probably be concerned for my judgement. I think trying to figure out what you will do to help yourself while she is on maternity leave is just using good judgement. You know you need and want to do something, so the question becomes what to do.

    6. Sylvan*

      Hi all! My sleep schedule is a hilarious disaster, but I am actually doing fairly well. I had a panic attack on Monday. Decided not to let it get me down. I have made more effort to socialize than usual and that is, surprisingly, much easier now than it has been for a year or two.

    7. Amey*

      I’m struggling with balancing all the different strands in my life and not just getting really stressed about them. I’m extremely sleep deprived because of baby with no real end in sight to that and nearing the end of my (long) maternity leave. The sleep deprivation makes achieving anything else so much harder – my patience with parenting two young kids is shorter and housework is really overwhelming. I really need some time to myself to write (not really a hobby but not yet a paying job) or just to sleep or do something I really enjoy – but when I do get a little bit of time, I always end up feeling depressed because it’s just not enough. It’s a really unhelpful way to feel and I feel guilty about it because my family make sacrifices to give me that time – my husband is incredibly supportive and working full time on the same amount of sleep as me.

      In good things, ysterday I managed the whole day with baby and 3 year old who skipped nap and didn’t turn the TV on after 9am. Those afternoons are really hard and somehow we really all managed to pull together and come through feeling positive. My son’s behaviour improves so much when I can really give him a lot of my full attention but it’s hard to manage that (particularly as my brain is cataloguing all that stuff I feel like I should be doing) and I think I got the balance right for once.

    8. Mimmy*

      I too sometimes don’t respect my sensory limits, so I totally hear you there.

      My supervisor told me yesterday that I seemed calm, so I’m proud of that. I don’t always FEEL calm, but I guess I’m controlling it better. But I still get scared that something is going to happen again – it takes some self-talk to not give up and quit my job simply because I’m afraid I’m going to have a meltdown again.

    9. Espeon*

      If it makes you feel better, I left my own birthday party in my own house once because I was tired and overwhelmed by the light and noise and peopling. My friends weren’t taking the hint to leave, so eventually I just said goodnight and went to bed! It didn’t occur to me that it could be viewed as odd or rude until some months later. I’d still do it again.

      1. Red*

        I’m in the habit of handing guests their coats and shoes. My friends know it’s coming because we’ve all been friends that long, but yeah. Sometimes you just need to keep track of who has no ability to take a hint so as to not invite them over again.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        My husband and I had a running joke we used with our guests, “I am going to go to bed so you can go home.”
        They just laughed and agreed to leave.

    10. Stephanie*

      I’ve been struggling with low-grade depression. I was having trouble getting interest in anything beyond the bare required minimum. I started seeing a therapist beginning of this year, which has helped (I haven’t really figured out the cause of it yet, but it helped at least kind of knowing what all the apathy was).

      I’ve been doing some of the obvious stuff–trying to exercise regularly and eat better. Getting away from campus more helped as well.

      1. Ellen Ripley*

        This time of year SAD may be a factor too. There are light therapy lamps you can buy, but a first step can be trying to get out of the house and outside for a while as early in the day as you can manage it. You might also look into getting tested for vitamin d deficiency.

    11. Nacho*

      I’m in the middle of buying a house, nearly wired a hundred thousand dollars to a fraudster, and my job is in the middle of a massive reorganization and will look completely different in two months time. My boss is telling stories about how she’s warning away new hires and using stories from my job to scare them away “because we only want the ones who would stay” and mentioned off hand about how easy it would be for her to fire us for goofing off while we’re supposed to be working (which everybody does because work is slow right now) and instituted a bunch of new rules about how we’re not allowed to get up from our desks to talk to each-other without asking for permission first.

      In short, I’m overwhelmed, my stress levels are though the roof, and I’m seriously considering becoming an alcoholic.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Give us updates on the work thread. People here will listen, help and encourage. Life does not have to be this hard.

      3. Ktelzbeth*

        What?!?! Not allowed to get up without asking permission? That’s, um, hm, let’s go with ridiculous. I’m sorry things are so stressful. Please keep us up to date. Virtual hugs (or your chosen expression of support) if you want them.

    12. LadyB*

      We’ve had rain for the last week and it did not do good things for my brain. However, sunshine! We have sunshine now and my head feels a little happier.

      Yesterday was an overload of anxiety and I was actually fairly proud of myself for pushing through. I wanted to curl up in bed and not do anything, but I had way too much work to do for class, and I got a sizeable chunk done.

    13. Sparkly Librarian*

      I’m proud that I was able to verbalize my feelings the other day when typically I would shut down.

      I’d had a good, moderately busy day at work, so when I got in the car to go home, I was surprised to find myself on the edge of an anxiety attack. My wife, who was driving, was unaware until I mentioned that I was “suddenly feeling a bit of despair and might not be great company tonight”. Talking through what I was feeling — about to cry, shaky hands, fast heartbeat — I realized that the physical concerns might be due to not having eaten lunch (or breakfast, aside from a quick snack in the morning). Once I got home, drank a lot of water, and ate some real food (and, presumably, my blood sugar was on an even keel), I felt much better physically AND mentally. Yay, self-care!

    14. KR*

      Just wanted to say I’ve had that issue, where I didn’t realize I was shutting down until I was completely shut down. It took a while and now I have a little notice but it’s still kind of last minute.

    15. Julia*

      Finals at grad school mean I didn’t get a lot of sleep and too much caffeine, plus my husband was on a business trip and stayed at work until really late, so I’ve been a lot more anxious than usual. Not about school, weirdly, but about life. I had a traumatic experience five years ago where I suddenly (maybe through some hormonal issues plus stress) got scaringly depressing for the first time in my life, and since then have periods of intense fear of repeating that time in my life. Since I also have childhood issues (bullying, bad parenting), people suddenly excluding me in grad school really hit a nerve and I spent Thursday night sobbing. I’m much better now, mostly because my husband is finally home and my best friend and I made plans for after finals, but I hate being so dependent on people to feel good, which feeds into my anxiety. Basically, I think that I’ll end up all alone one day and if I rely on people now, it will be even worse. I’m talking to my therapist about this, but it feels like these thoughts never fully go away and I hate them… Everyone here talks about how you should be okay with yourself and on your own, and here I am wishing to see my husband and family more often. I can occupy myself just fine most days, but I hate never knowing when I’ll talk to people next or if I’ll have enough people in my life in the future, and then I hate myself for being so dependent and that makes me anxious…

    16. Ellen Ripley*

      This week has been ok. Learned some stuff about my recent ex’s current situation which threw me off for a bit. I’ve got my first two exams in the classes I’m taking this semester next week, which are stressing me out, more the idea of them than the actual material I need to know.

      I need to find a new doctor since my prescriptions from my old one out of state are finally running out. Ug, the phone. Ug, insurance bull. Ug, dealing with new health care providers who may or may not believe in mental health as a real thing.

    17. Shrunken Hippo*

      I was able to go out and socialize a bit this week and I even made it work when I got a migraine in the middle. The more exciting news is I’m probably going to get to dog sit a cute little poodle mix for 3 weeks or so. I love dogs, and being able to get paid to spend time with them is great. It’s especially nice because it makes me feel less useless than I have been due to unemployment. It may not pay much, but it’s fun and fulfilling. The best part is when owners tell me that their dogs now get excited when they hear my name. It’s a really good feeling and it makes me want to keep on going even when I get a lot of pain and it seems to be taking forever to see a specialist.

      I also got invited to a wedding which is not only for a good friend (which makes me excited for her!) it is also well scheduled and only going to be a maximum of 4 hours. The bride has also assured me that I will have a place to stay so I only have to worry about traveling, which isn’t too bad because it’s about a day there and a day back. I also might just make it a longer trip and visit some family on the way back. I’m so happy that my medications are working well enough that I can actually feel excitement about this instead of anxiety. I never thought that I’d ever look forward to traveling and attending a social event. It makes me very glad that my doctor gently talked me into trying them and worked with me by slowly increasing my dosage while never making me feel like an idiot for not believing her right away that I needed a higher dosage. I’m just so thankful that for the moment everything is starting to look up a bit. Hope is a wonderful thing!

    18. Tris Prior*

      I’ve been feeling pretty depressed but 2018 has legit been a shit year so far so I don’t know how much of it is situational. Year started with bitterly cold weather to the point that it was painful to leave the house and we had to cancel our New Year’s plans due to not wanting to deal with public transportation when it was that far below zero. Then Boyfriend and I caught the flu – once he was getting better I came down with it, so that was a good 2 1/2 weeks where someone in the house wasn’t functional. I’ve had friends blow me off repeatedly. Now, our elderly cat has pretty much stopped eating except for a nibble here and there (but is otherwise acting normal – ???) and the vet visit didn’t turn up anything that can be treated, so we’ve got some tough decisions to make in the very near future. And we’re apparently getting a ton of snow this week.

      I realized the other day that I’ve had literally ONE day so far in 2018 where I actually felt happy and nothing was horribly wrong. I’m not sure if this is my brain being a jerk, or that the past month has just been really, really hard.

      On the plus (?) side, I’ve been too worried about the cat to really focus on what I’m eating and count calories obsessively like I have been, so my disordered-eating behaviors have been less. Yay? The downside is, I also haven’t been able to focus on exercising.

    19. ....*

      Past few weeks have been rough. I lost my dad, and our relationship was not fabulous. I also have mixed feelings because I feel dad had abusive tendencies, though mom would absolutely not see it that way. I’m also struggling with feeling like he was a better dad to another family (who lost their dad) than he ever was to me — always making time to see their school plays and attend their sports games, but I don’t remember him even attending any concert or play or game I was in. I feel like I was a disappointment to him, like I was not the child that he had hoped for, and that he found the children he wanted elsewhere. Everyone said he was proud of me and loved me, but just didn’t know how to show it. Sure seems like he figured that out for his friend’s kids….

      I am excited that Cadbury eggs are showing up again in stores. This is the only bit of holiday creep I can accept.

  47. Lily Evans*

    I could use some advice for setting boundaries with friends. I commented late last week about how happy I was to realize that I finally feel less emotionally invested in a friendship that’s been hard for me for a while. It’s not at the point where I want to go nuclear on the friendship, but I’m also not willing to go out of my way for it like I once was and I’m struggling with finding a middle ground.

    The quick backstory is: this involves two friends I was really close with in college. One (Lindsay) lives a little over an hour away, the other (Gretchen) lives half an hour by car or an hour and a half-ish by public transit. I’ve gone out to see Gretchen several times sans car, but she has never come to see me because she doesn’t like driving here and she doesn’t like trains. The two of them see each other fairly frequently. The last time we made plans together for them to visit me, they fell through and they wanted me to take the train to Gretchen and then have her drive to meet Lindsay halfway, I nope-d out of that and we haven’t made plans since. I still get along well with Lindsay, but the last time I hung out with Gretchen she was in a crappy mood all day and kept talking about how awesome all the new friends she’s made at work are. The last time I saw Lindsay, though, it was great. like we’d never spent time apart, and she’d also noticed similar problems with Gretchen’s mood/general flakiness.

    Now, I invited them both to my birthday party, which is 8pm on a Friday night because I work until 7:30 on weekends. Gretchen can’t come because she’s going to Vegas with her work friends and Lindsay doesn’t want to drive down just for the party because it’s too late (I did invite her to stay over, she declined). Now they’re suggesting meeting up on another day, possibly a day I have off (two mid-week days). But I have a lot going on over the next few months, I have classes on both off days and shows I’m seeing and plans with other friends, and I know they’re most likely going to want me to come to them (at least as far as Gretchen lives) and I don’t want to. I used to feel excited about seeing them and I just don’t anymore. We’ve all changed since college and it’s never the same anymore, which happens, but I’d rather invest time in people who still see me as worth investing time in. They’re both quickly heading down the “settling down” road and I’m just not, and I don’t want to be.

    So now I’m trying to figure out the best response. Should I just tell them what days/times I’m free and see if they want to make it work, with the stipulation that they come to me (it is for my birthday after all)? I don’t want it to feel like an ultimatum, but it kind of is and I don’t feel like it’s unreasonable. If they push back on that I’m ready to just let it go.

    1. HannahS*

      I feel like I’ve been in kind of a similar situation–not exactly the same, but I slowly came to realize that one of my best friends only wanted to be friends on her terms only; she did friend-stuff at her convenience. Like you, I felt really let down. It’s hard to realize that you care more, you know? But I think that low-key pulling back on people who are less invested in a friendship is fairly easy. You just say, “Sorry guys, I have plans for those two days.” And when they invite you over to where they are, you go “Oh, sorry, I just can’t make it out that far right now. Let me know if you’re ever in the city and we’ll grab coffee.”

      1. Lily Evans*

        Yeah, that’s the thing. It always seems to be me suggesting things first and then they can’t do what I suggest, so they ask to plan something else, and the something else is always more convenient for them than for me.

        1. HannahS*

          Yeah. I stopped suggesting things. Eventually we settled in to being twice-a-year-in-a-group friends.
          Honestly this is all fairly recent for me, so I’m kind of still getting over it. Plainly, it stings. But you’re right,I’d rather be focusing on investing in friendships in my new city than investing in people who can’t be bothered.

          1. Lily Evans*

            I said as I was planning this birthday party that if they didn’t come it would be the last party they’re invited to and I’m going to try to stick to that. I can’t even get them to commit to once a year, but maybe someday! The last time I saw them both at the same time was my 2016 Christmas party and I haven’t seen either of them at all in over 6 months. Investing in new friendships has definitely been the right way to go! Hopefully you’ll get as lucky as I have meeting people in your new city!

      2. Amey*

        Ah, you said the same thing as me, I hadn’t refreshed! But I think this is the way to go. Honestly, it’s a way to let the friendship fizzle out in a gentle manner if it wants to. It’s the ‘we should really get together sometime’ that never quite happens. It doesn’t have to be forever either – your lives aren’t meshing well together at the moment, but sometime that comes back into sync later on. That’s definitely happened to me with a few friends.

      3. My Anonymous Alter Ego*

        HannahS, this is so well said. I’m going through something similar & it got easier once I realised the dynamics at play. Even more so when I realised that it had been occurring for longer than I thought. I’m only responsible for what I do & if I can honestly say that I’ve done everything possible to keep a cherished relationship going then I need to accept the fact that it isn’t going any longer.

        Lily, I think that the transportation issue is a mcguffin. You’ve tried to make things easier just so you can spend time with your friends & they still put you off. It’s so easy to wonder what you can or could have done better. Bottom line is if your friends really wanted to see you, then they would make that happen. If they can’t make that happen then they would convey this in a way that you would understand that they want to see you although circumstances preclude that from happening.

        Recently, a friend accused me of wanting to spend more time with other friends & not with her. She was right & her comment made me analyse why this is. What I realised was that this friend never exhibits any happiness when she sees me (my bar is low here; a simple enthisuastic-ish “hi” would suffice, or even recognition that I’m present) & she very much wants to intereact only when it’s convenient for her. There’s more, although those are the most egregious to me.

        This might sound harsh, although now I have a litmus test for my relationships: Is that person genuinely glad to see me? Am I genuinely glad to see them? If they communicate with me, am I glad see their name or does it cause me angst? Do we encourage each other & are we happy for our accomplishments, even if we can’t quite understand or agree with them?
        I’ve only recently started with these filters, although already they’ve been quite illuminating.

        Sorry, Lily, I didn’t meant to hijack your question. I hope my experiences can be of some help for you. Just be sure to spend your birthday with friends who truly want to be there just to celebrate you!!

        1. Lily Evans*

          You didn’t hijack it at all, it’s nice to hear how other people have approached similar situations! Honestly, I kind of wonder if I’m putting them off of hanging out with me as well, since when I do see them it’s always after I’ve already gone out of my way to get there, so I’m starting the interaction off by not being super thrilled to be there.

          The transportation thing really is the killer here. I knew I’d be making a sacrifice by getting rid of my car (but financially not making car payments while living in Boston is great for my bank account), I just didn’t realize how unwilling they would be to come to me. Lindsay I get more, because she is farther away and has a busier schedule. Gretchen on the other hand just is totally unwilling to drive here or take the train, despite how close she is. And the few times she’s agreed to come she always flakes out. One time her excuse was that it was supposed to rain that night. Like if snow is forecasted, I get that, but not going somewhere because of a chance of rain?

          1. My Anonymous Alter Ego*

            Is it possible that your friends are going through their own things, thus aren’t engaging with you?
            Just asking how someone is doing, if things are okay or even “What’s going on?” can help.
            or “Are you okay? I’m getting concerned because we haven’t talked. & We haven’t seen each other in ages!”
            Sometimes I ask “Is there anything I can do to make your day/week better?”
            What & how they reply usually tells me what I need to know. If they say yes & tell me what I can do, I’ve never regretted the question.

            Like with Gretchen. It’s possible she knows someone who was injured in a weather-related accident so she’s hesitant to travel in bad weather. This doesn’t seem to be the case from what you described, although it’s worth considering before deciding whether or not to back away from a relationship.

            I also like to hear how others approach similar situations!

    2. WellRed*

      You’ve posted about these 2 before, right? Honestly, Lindsay not wanting to drive “just” for your birthday?? And, since when is 8pm on Friday all that late? You offered her a place to stay! And she sounds the friendlier of the two. Slow, cheerful fade time, methinks. Sorry.

      1. Lily Evans*

        I have posted about them before! It’s been an ongoing saga for the past almost-four-years. Ugh, I hadn’t actually looked at just how long this has been going on before. They used to be my only two close friends so it felt like a much bigger deal in the past. The difference now if that I actually have other friends who show up reliably so I’m way less invested in flakey-flakes. But I thought that it’s kind of ridiculous that Lindsay doesn’t want to drive since it’s one weekend night out of the entire year that I’ve invited her to.

      2. Stellaaaaa*

        8 PM is late depending on your work schedule. Having a place to stay may or may not matter if you have to get up early the next day or if the friend offering has pets or roommates that make you uncomfortable.

    3. Amey*

      I think I’d be inclined to just say “I’m actually really busy for the next few weeks so I don’t want to commit to anything right now. Let me know next time you’re in the city and we’ll try to meet to up” or something like that. That way, the ball’s in their court and if, to be honest, there’s a part of them that wants to see you but not enough to make the effort then they just don’t have to get round to it and if they really want to do it then they come to you in a low key kind of way.

      1. WellRed*

        I agree with this and also what you said about it not having to be forever. One or both might dip back into your life at some point.

    4. Stellaaaaa*

      Location really can be a dealbreaker for friendships. One of my good friends moved to NYC and she’s always inviting me to come see her. Except it’s a 90 minute train ride and it costs $50 total round-trip to get to her place in Brooklyn. Then she’ll want to go to an expensive bar or a show that costs $10 to get into. I just can’t invest that kind of cash in a hangout in a city I hate, doing stuff I’m ambivalent about, when she’s just as reluctant to come and see me.

      In our case, it’s not really a case of mutual location-disinterest. She moved to a city she knew I disliked and then wondered why I can’t go see her. She’s the one who made the choice to move, while my cash flow, schedule, and basic tastes haven’t changed. She’s the one who inserted her own wrench into the friendship. Now, she didn’t have to ask me for permission to move. All the same, she made this choice without conferring with me and now she’s surprised that I’m not on board. I don’t like NYC and I can’t afford to get there unless she gives me the money. I can’t stay overnight because of my work schedule. None of that is negotiable, and it frustrates me when she acts as if I have a choice in the matter and have made these decisions of my own free will. She chose to move, so IMO she has to deal with the fact that I still live where I do and have the same income.

      I can’t speak to the timeline of when you and your friends ended up in your current cities, but it sounds like your schedule is just as rigid as theirs. You’re also admittedly prioritizing other friends over them on the days you have more free time. Personally, I would skip a band gig if it meant I could see friends who actually like me. One of my minor regrets of my 20s was sinking so much time and money into seeing crappy bands instead of nurturing true friendships.

      1. Lily Evans*

        The whole location thing gets me, at least in regards to Gretchen. Before this I was living in the middle of nowhere in NH for a year and a half after college, a good 2.5 hours from my friends and she came to see me more there than she has here. A big part of why I chose Boston was to be closer to friends and family and we were actually considering moving together for a while. Then once she decided to live outside the city with family we talked about how it was still close so we’d be able to see each other a lot. As for cost, driving would be just whatever gas costs + a parking meter, while the train is around $15 round trip (what I’ve paid each time I’ve visited her). All three parties I’ve invited her over the past year to have been at my apartment with no obligation to bring anything except drinks (which isn’t even applicable if she were to drive). I don’t hate her location, I just resent how many times I’ve gone out there, always with the promise of her coming to me next time without that reciprocation ever materializing. The empty promise thing really drives me nuts. It would be one thing if she would just outright admit that she never wants to come here, and then actually acknowledge what a pain it is for me to go see her and act like she enjoys my company rather than spending the whole time talking about all the other great friends she has. Lindsay had also talked about wanting to move here, but ended up staying in her hometown. So we all talked about living here, I’m just the only one who actually went through with it.

        It’s easy to prioritize other friends when they have a better track record of not flaking last minute and actually live here. It’s not something I really feel bad about, especially since they’re also pursuing other friendships (which they’re willing to fly to Vegas for. Not that I feel at all slighted by that). I know my schedule isn’t convenient. I’ve gone to see them both on my off days when they get out of work (I did have a car for a while), I used a floating holiday to make plans to spend a day with Lindsay over the summer. Gretchen had the entire summer off and I still only saw her like twice. I acknowledge when I invite them to things that it’s inconvenient and I invite them to stay over (I have an air mattress and a futon and a living room with a closing door that my roommates don’t mind the occasional guest staying in). Typing all this out makes me really feel so over it at this point.

        1. Stellaaaaa*

          I mean…there are things you’ve just laid out that would be dealbreakers for me. I hope I’m not being harsh. It just is what it is. I would never, ever want to sleep on an air mattress in someone’s living room when they have multiple roommates. I would gently suggest that you try to understand that that is not a bulletproof solution to someone’s genuine feeling that 8 PM is too late for a get-together to just be starting. I used to have the energy for late-night hangouts. I simply don’t anymore, and I’ve drifted from friendships with people who refuse to accept that. If an event won’t be wrapping up by 9 PM, the non-negotiable answer is that I can’t go. It doesn’t mean I hate the friend. It means that my life is moving in a certain direction and some of the new components are permanent, just as their new location is.

          1. Lily Evans*

            It’s not harsh- different people have different deal breakers. It would feel less like a snub if they didn’t have sleepovers with each other when neither of them live alone. And Gretchen’s most recent party started at 7:30pm and that was fine with them both, which is a half-hour difference but it still ran pretty late, and maybe they felt drained the next day who knows. It just seems as if our combined deal breakers have led us to an impasse.

            1. Stellaaaaa*

              Forgive me, but a lot of this sounds like the BS that happens between party friends/drinking buddies in your 20s. Am I off-base? So much of this is revolving around parties and going to see nobody bands play and those aren’t very good ways to make sure that you’re cultivating good friendships with substance. My experience is that there’s no logic behind how these things play out. Lindsay and Gretchen probably just found a rhythm in hanging out one-on-one, and they prefer another hangout city to the one you live in. Maybe Gretchen has a crush on Linday’s roommate. Maybe the bars are cheaper in Gretchen’s city, or it’s easier to find free parking. At the end of the day, trying to figure out why mediocre people dislike you is the biggest waste of time in the world.

              2. Lily Evans*

                You’re actually very off base! And I don’t mean that in a negative way, we seem to have had a miscommunication with how we’re defining certain things. When I talk about parties I mean 8-12 people drinking wine and eating apps while talking/playing board games in my living room. And by shows I meant my Broadway in Boston subscription, which is February-heavy. The last party I had with my friends here involved wine, sushi, and playing a get-to-know-you game for several hours. No substance abuse or actual live band shows here.

                And they’re both actually more settled down than I am, with serious SO’s, which is part of the problem because I’m single. They were my closest friends for years so they still don’t feel like mediocre people to me.

                1. Lily Evans*

                  And I see now having put that last bit into writing, I’m still looking at them as the people they were when we were really close rather than the people they’ve turned into since then.

              3. My Anonymous Alter Ego*

                I like this perspective & it has merit… one shouldn’t spend time on those who are determined to misunderstand you (there are many axioms for this concept).
                What doesn’t have merit is judging others as “mediocre.”

                1. Stellaaaaa*

                  Sometimes people suck. There are people in this world that are objectively worse than others. Please leave the pedantry at the door.

          2. TL -*

            Honestly, I feel like an 8 pm party once a year is doable for nearly anybody.
            I have friends who keep different schedules and I mostly am like, nah, not for me, but if I can’t make an exception for them once in a while, then they’re not really my friend. They’re just someone I used to hang out with because it was convenient and now it’s not.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Reading down through, I think you nailed this one.
      Friendships are a back and a forth. A give and a take. You are right to question how much you are giving here.

      I have told the story before. I had friends that I always called to see what was going on. My father was the one who pointed out to me that they never call me. So I took his bet and I decided to wait for them to call me. It’s been 38 years and no call. Looking back on it there were valid Reasons for this to be happening. The overall idea was probably that I was at a totally different point in life and I needed to just move on myself. Oddly, I am not angry about it.

      Put it down gently and continue building your own life. I say gently because if you run into these folks later you don’t want hard feelings. It’s not worth carrying that around for decades.
      In direct answer to your question about the ultimatum: don’t. Just simply say “This is what I can do and this is what I can’t do.” Let it go at that. Our lives fill up with Stuff and that is no one’s fault, it’s just life. Four years is long enough to torment yourself over this. You do not need to keep weighing this out. Keep them on your holiday card list if you have one, or keep them on your FB, but let the rest go.

      1. Lily Evans*

        This is all so true. I’ve definitely fallen into the sunk-cost fallacy regarding time spent on this. And now I’m circling back around to feeling defensive over the situation which is just no good. I’ve let them know what works for me and now it’s time to just see where the chips fall.

        1. Book Lover*

          Lily, I have a friend who was enormously important to me when my son was little. It was a really hard time in my life and she was generous with her time and I really needed her. She lived a way away, but we both drove out to each other’s places. Our kids got older, she moved a tiny bit further away than she was, started doing a lot of Girl Scouts stuff that she couldn’t/didn’t want to include my son in. We saw each other less and less but I kept reaching out. Then she flaked multiple weeks in a row after a couple of years of seeing each other rarely. She then messaged me about getting together on a day and I cheerfully responded that I was available – but I didn’t specify the time/location – she never followed up. I have decided that as meaningful as the friendship was to me, situations change. I can still appreciate her and what she meant to me, but I am not going to be the one to set up plans and keep my calendar open over and over just to have her cancel. If she messages me with a date and time, I will say yes.

          I think you are in the same place – you love these people, you want them to make an effort, but you are ok if you lose them (sad but ok) and want them to step up if they want to maintain the friendship. If they message you and say they will be in your area, great! If they message and want you to meet them and you feel like saying yes, go for it, otherwise pleasantly let them know it won’t work for you. See if they keep messaging or make an effort for you.

          Just recently, a friend who ghosted on me twenty years ago messaged me out of the blue. It felt good to hear from her, but I don’t expect anything more. But it left the relationship in a good place instead of the sadness I had before. Sometimes things come back around.

    6. Colette*

      You know, I wonder if this is one of those situations where no one is wrong, but you’re just not in sync anymore. You live different places, your schedules don’t match, sometimes it’s just not worth the effort to do the things you’d do if you lived closer. There’s a different rhythm to being long distance friends, and it sounds like that’s where you are now. (I realize the actual distance isn’t much, but at the same time it’s too far for your friendship to survive in the same form.)

    7. EA*

      How is going making friends in Boston?

      I live in Boston (I went to college here and stayed) and always hear about how hard it is to make friends as an adult in Boston. I wonder if you may be holding on a bit because it’s hard to get to know people here. I def have some suggestions if that is the case.

      I would just accept a slow fade, you have put in so much mental energy. Friendships change over time with where you are in life. I was in a wedding in September for a close friend, and after she got married she is in a different place in her life. She is focused on getting pregnant and planning to stay at home after that and I think has already mentally quit work. We don’t have much to talk about now, because I don’t really want to hear about fertility and she doesn’t ever seem to want to talk about me. It was very difficult, but we are just in different places and have less in common. I wonder if your issues sort of flow from this, like you are in different places, so hanging out is less fun, so they don’t make an effort.

      1. Lily Evans*

        I’ve actually had good luck making friends here, which is why I’m much more okay with letting this friendship go than I used to be.

    8. LilySparrow*

      In your position, I wouldn’t necessarily *stop* being friends or inviting them to things, but I also wouldn’t make a lot of effort to coordinate stuff.
      Invite them to things you’re doing anyway (like the party). If they invite you to something, go if you want to and don’t if you don’t.
      So yes, I’d tell them when you are free on those days and what you’re up for. Like,
      “I have classes on Tuesday and Wednesday, and I have tickets to Show A and Show B. If you want to meet up for lunch or dinner in (convenient area) I could do that, or I could check on getting seats together at Show.”

      I think you’ll feel less resentful if you stop doing so much extra work.

    9. Loony Luna*

      I wouldn’t be overly concerned as to how to make this friendship transition happen easily. I’ve been in your exact same position, and something that I’ve thought before, and which struck me reading your story is this: maybe your friends are having the same feelings as you, but they’ve ‘given up’ (for lack of a better word) on the friendship earlier than you? Maybe all the silly excuses are their way of distancing themselves, and they’ve just reached that point first? If you frame it that way, and take a step back from the friendship by not suggesting hangouts or initiating communication, I think you’ll find out pretty quickly if that’s the case. If you literally never even talk or hangout without you being the instigator…then I think that these friendships have fizzled out.

  48. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    How do you deal with family wanting various events a certain way when they’re not paying for any of it?

    Case in point, SO and I are spending Friday with my extended family. Saturday: wedding. Sunday: SO wants me to spend brunch with his fam. We’d get 8 hrs sleep.

    My fam wants us to go to a tiny church 2.5 hours away Sunday morning which means between after party and stuff, less than 6 hours of sleep. SO and I offered to do that church the week after, but my family is only in town the wedding weekend. Traditionally, bridal family caters church lunch that day.

    UGH. Solutions? I told fam SO and I are doing Friday with them, Sunday with SOs family even if it means extended family going to that church without me. SO and I are church-goers, but his family’s important too…….:S

    1. Turtlewings*

      I think you have to just accept that it’s impossible for everyone to get what they want here, decide what your priorities are, make your decision and stick to it. “I’m sorry we can’t go, but we’re overscheduled for the weekend and something had to give. It really is a shame, but maybe next time.”

      1. Casuan*

        Turtlewings, I like your statement, although I’d stop after “I’m sorry we can’t go.”
        Carmen, you needn’t be apologetic. Just ensure your family knows that family is important, which is why you’re spending time with each of them.

    2. Forking Great Username*

      It sounds like you already have your solution – just giving more time to the families that guilts you or whines about it can set up a very unfair and unhealthy dynamic. Not saying your family is doing that, but from your comment it seems that maybe your family is assuming that you’ll come on Sunda, like a you’ve been summoned for that day kind of thing. If that is the case, don’t give in! Stick with a breezy but firm, “Sorry, but we’re busy on Sunday! Looking forward to seeing you on Friday though.”

      1. Carmen Sandiego JD*

        Thanks. The way I left things was, you have Friday OR Sunday, not both. Pick one *end of story…*

        Then I turned my personal phone off for today to cool off a bit, get fresh air, take care of errands.

    3. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I know how you feel. When we started visiting my home town for two weeks instead of one, many of my friends thought we’d have time to see them twice instead of just once. It was a nice problem to have and hard to say no, but we extended our stay to get more grandparent/cousin time and it’s still hard to fit everyone and everthing in. Especially once everyone retired and got more possessive about “their” time.

      I’m confused about who is the bride and groom and who’s paying for what, but details aside, I like your arrangement. If it’s your wedding then you get to decide no matter what tradition says. If not, you’re still in charge of your time and as much as you might wish to do these extra things, there just isn’t enough time in a weekend. Assume or pretend they’re all coming from a place of love, even if they aren’t, tell them you wish you could, and stand firm to what works for you. Good luck and enjoy the weekend!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I think the bridal family should cater lunch at the church WITHOUT the bride and groom. If their traditions are that important then they can continue on without you.

      Tell your family that you are going to be a married person very shortly. It will become the new normal that you cannot spend all your time with them. You now have other people in your new family to consider. They will need to adjust accordingly.

      If this does not work, tell them if they do not play nicely you two will elope and skip the whole thing entirely.

      Honestly, Carmen, do not give so much of yourself that there is nothing left of you. You owe it to your husband and to yourself to realize that not everyone will be pleased but they will live.

    5. LilySparrow*

      Wait…they want you to wake up early and drive 2.5 hours the morning after *your wedding night*?

      ???????????

      I know it’s not 1955, but if there was ever a situation that called for a good old fashioned blush and flutter, this is it.

      “Oh, we were planning to …um…sleep in. (Batting lashes.) I’m sure you understand, Grandma.”

      Shame the heck out of them, they deserve it.

  49. Wendy*

    It’s freezing cold outside, you’re enjoying a nice hot drink in a cafe that’s nice and cozy. It’s good because it’s warm inside and everyone’s happy.

    Why oh why then, when you leave, would you leave the door wide open for the chilling wind to come blowing in?

    1. My Anonymous Alter Ego*

      …because there’s a certain happiness that only comes when you first get those those contented warm fuzzy feelings & I wanted you to experience that again.
      Next time, I’ll try to remember to shut the door. No guarantees.
      :-D

    2. LCL*

      Because it’s a small space and you expected the door to close automatically behind you as happens in most commercial spaces, but it didn’t. Or the door closer mechanism isn’t strong enough to work against the wind.

  50. Meow meow*

    Posted a couple of weeks ago about being broken hearted. I’m doing better now, though the wounds still run deep. I think increasing my meds dosage helped a lot, like holy cow is this how normal people feel all the time?? Thanks to the AAM community for supporting this sad stranger.

    3. Effie, who can't hear her insecurities, because she's busy dancing*

      Be gentle with yourself, take your time working through your heartbreak as needed. Glad you’re feeling better and hope you keep moving forward. Hugs!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I am not sure the source of your heartbreak. It’s not my business.
      I will do an example using widows/widowers. Statistics show that surviving spouses have an noticeable increased chance of dying for two years after the death of a spouse. This statistic cuts across any demographic you can think of, as in it does not matter if the people are old/young, rich/poor, level of education, geographic location, race, religion, country of origin and so on.

      This is an example of how powerful grief is, it can stop a human heart.

      I like this extreme example because it drives home the point that sometimes things in life can break our hearts/minds/souls to the same degree. This level of grief is not just for lost spouses. Another thing I like about this example is that it also drives home the point of how long it can take to process the raw grief. The time you need is the time you need. Don’t let anyone, including YOURSELF, tell you that the way you feel is wrong. It’s really critical that you do not criticize yourself above all. Self-criticism exasperates the grief and makes the process even harder and longer.

      You touch base with us here, that is a GOOD thing. Maybe you have one person near you who you can touch base with also. You know, grief is a really odd thing. It does not take a ton of people, it just takes a couple well chosen people to help us. We don’t usually get to pick those people, they seem to just appear in our lives. Watch for these helpful folk as you go about your day. Expect them.
      Keep being gentle with you and keep coaxing yourself along one step at a time.
      Let us know how it goes.

    6. Reba*

      So glad you have checked back in, Meow meow. See how far you have climbed out of the depths in such a short time — amazing.

  51. Figure Skating info*

    Found a cool resource for figure skating fans: rockerskating at both dot com & on twitter. (Named for a particular figure skating turn.) Have recognized a familiar AaM nick or two there already.

    He’s US based but tracks skating internationally. Also does podcasts & commentary.

    US Figure Skating hosts icenetwork dot com for info including competition schedules & results, & podcasts including Jackie Wong of rockerskating as a host & commentor.

    Looking forward to the Olympics!

    2. Elizabeth West*

      They better put EVERYTHING on free TV. I am dead sick of the networks blocking access if you don’t have cable just so they can make a buck. That’s what advertising is for, you greedy mothers.

      1. Figure Skating Info*

        Jackie puts full program clips of a lot of the skaters on rockerskating. It’s not everything, & not the same as live, but better than most sources I’ve seen.

        Don’t know if icenetwork is streaming it, but am not a subscriber.

        Looking forward to some wonderful skating, & curious to see how it all plays out.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          By everything, I mean the whole Olympics. Winter Olympics is the only time I like sports other than skating. I will watch all of it–ski jump, moguls, snowboarding, luge, skeleton, bobsled, speed skating, you name it.
          And since the Olympics is supposed to be a worldwide event that brings people together, excluding viewers who don’t have cable is a slap in the face to its spirit.

          1. Reba*

            In the past we have watched BBC olympics coverage (using a VPN). It’s so much better than NBC’s! They actually show and talk about, I don’t know, athleticism!

            I understand that BBC is getting better about detecting VPN’s, very understandably, but I’m hoping that I’ll still be able to watch it.

          2. Figure Skating Info*

            Agree with you that they should just broadcast it freely, & that that’s what advertisers are for…

  52. SAHM*

    NEED ADVICE from SLP’s (Speech Language Pathologists). Is it illegal to pull a child with a speech IEP from recess or lunch to do therapy? Or is it such a grey area that it’s really Not Done? I’m in California if that’s helpful. And if it’s illegal can you point me to the law that protects lunch/recess? I’m having a hard time locating anything except SLPs blogging/reddit-ing about how they make a IEP schedule for 40 kids and then realize they forgot recess so they have to scrap the whole schedule. I was up until 2am going over all this and trying to find info so if this isn’t coherent I apologize.

    1. Ellie*

      I’m in Texas, and not an SLP, but I am an educator in administration – this requires more investigating particular to your state, obviously, but I can tell you that pulling from lunch is a big NO. Lunch is lunch is lunch.

      Now, recess is a different story. If a case load is high enough, it might end up being the case that some children work with the SLP at lunch to ensure that all students get the services they require . . . However, one of the first things you should look at are the assurances. In any meeting to determine services (an ARD), the assurances inform all present that the child is being educated in the same manner as her peers when possible. (A child with a math calculation disorder obviously won’t need special education services in social studies, so she’ll go to the same social studies classes as her peers.) If, in order to receive services, a child is being taken away from the classes/activities she can attend just like the rest of her peers, there is a problem.

      I’m sorry about not knowing much about CA – ok, anything about CA – but any pull outs during lunch seem very shady, and pull outs during recess seem kind of shady. Our SLP always manages to find time to work with kids at times that don’t take them away from the fun and socialization they often need to enjoy their school days, and she serves lots of students on different campuses throughout a whole district.

      1. SAHM*

        Thank you!! I appreciate the info and that lunch is different from recess! I feel like I have a lot of stuff to figure out!

    2. Kuododi*

      I’m a mental health counselor and have had to meet with kids at school in a fairly regular basis. (SE USA). I have never had a problem pulling a kid out of class (iep or not) but the schools got cranky about meeting during recess. No school has ever let me pull a kid during lunch…(not that I would have asked) I’m afraid I have no information about California education policies… I would strongly encourage you to meet with the school has and ask those questions. If you are not feeling as though you are getting the help you need….the next step would be your district Board of Education. Good luck!!!!

      1. SAHM*

        Thank you! I’m having a bit of trouble tracking this down, and am a little worried that I’ve become so emotionally invested that I’m not looking at it logically. I’ll call the Special Ed board thank you!

    3. Midwest SLP*

      I can’t speak to the legality. Have you expressed your concerns to your SLP to find out why the child is seen during lunch/recess? Some schools are very protective of their core subject instruction times i.e. reading and math. They strongly discourage any pull out services during these times. Combined with art, music, P.E., RTI, scheduling becomes very challenging. At times, I have also dealt with a small number of teachers who do not want you to see children from their class during ANY class time.
      Through the years I have generally avoided scheduling students during recess. The exception has been when the student’s goal is to improve social skills with peers. The recess group would meet once a week for games and other skill based social activities. So, contact the SLP to work things out. You both want the same thing: to help the child improve their communication skills. One caveat, it’s not clear from your letter, but if you’re not the parent/legal guardian, special education confidentiality rules do not allow the SLP to disclose any information about the child. If my friends or family asks, I do not indicate I know a student; if I do it’s usually because I work with him and I’m breaking confidentiality.

    4. FrontRangeOy*

      My child’s IEP specifically says he can’t miss recess or lunch for services (speech and additional services). I’m not sure if that’s because his IEP also addresses ADHD needs – time to run around outside is absolutely crucial to his classroom conduct – or if that’s because of what’s required under law.

    5. Julianne*

      I can’t speak for CA, but it’s not illegal here (MA), just inadvisable. Is your child being pulled from lunch/recess for his/her mandated speech therapy time, or is it something beyond the required services? We have a lot of students, including students with and without IEPs, who participate in “lunch bunch” groups led by our guidance counselors to work on social skills. These groups include students who have been identified as needing support in developing those skills, along with peers who can model the skills. This isn’t usually part of the IEP, it’s an extra support, and I believe parental permission is preferred, if not required.

      If you are concerned about your child’s schedule, please start by asking to speak to the teacher or service provider! Of course, you could jump to the next level up (school leadership or the school district) if you strongly feel that’s the better choice for your situation. But speaking as a special education teacher, I think there’s probably a good chance of resolving the issue if you reach out directly to the SLP and say, “Hey, I’m not happy with this, please fix it,” rather than going straight to the district or involving lawyers right from the start.

    6. Someone else*

      I’m not aware of it being illegal, but from a relative I have who is a speech pathologist: it is very much frowned upon and not best practice.

  53. Introverted introvert*

    How do you deal with hostile ex-friends? I ran into a few old childhood friends (ex-friends) and while I thought it was nice to see them, they were not very nice to me. They are both married and were asking me if I was seeing anyone and where I was living. It seemed like constant one-upmanship. I feel naïve and stupid for feeling happy to see them.
    Any thoughts on how to move on from this and not dwell on it?

    1. Pollygrammer*

      Not that this makes it any better, but it’s probably a reflection on their own unhappiness, possibly jealousy.

    2. fposte*

      As reported, their inquiries don’t seem out of line for a catchup conversation, but obviously at the time they could be a lot more loaded than they are on a screen.

      I’d shrug and say to myself “Now I remember why I haven’t kept up with them.” If you had clicked better with them, you probably wouldn’t be out of touch, but that doesn’t mean it’s silly to be happy to see them.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        This question almost teeters on the question, “Am I a jerk for being sincere?”
        And the answer to that, of course, is no. You are not a jerk for being sincere.

        We can’t help how others react. Sometimes the only take-away we have in a situation is the knowledge that we ourselves acted in a sincere manner. Try to find your satisfaction/peace there.

      4. Ktelzbeth*

        And after you say to yourself “Now I remember. . .” as fpost suggests, you follow with “And I shall go right on not keeping up with them.”

  54. AJ*

    I’m curious to know how far into a relationship folks think it’s reasonable to say “i love you.” (Currently sitting on my hands to avoid seeming ridiculous). Amy and all anecdotes would be appreciated!

    1. nep*

      Interesting question. I’ve thought a lot about this thing of saying and hearing ‘I love you’.
      I know this isn’t the kind of relationship you’re referring to, but my immediate family is in the habit of saying it all the time and frankly I’m MEH on saying ‘I love you’ just as a matter of course. ‘See ya — love ya.’

      In an intimate — for lack of a better word — relationship, I always felt that it was more important a person showed me they loved me rather than say the words; hearing the words never meant anything to me.
      I’m not answering your question — All this to say, I’ll be interested in people’s take on this.

    2. Megan*

      My now-husband told me he loved me for the first time maybe two months after we started dating, which is probably on the early side in general – we’re part of a subculture that tends to get married young (LDS/Mormon). But we dated for a year and a quarter before we got engaged.

      I think one month of dating is the extreme early edge of what’s reasonable, if it’s been pretty intense and you’ve been spending a lot of time together.

      1. Overeducated*

        A month in is about when my husband said it and yeah it seemed early, but we were both feeling like making exceptions for that particular relationship.

    3. AnnaleighUK*

      Took me and R eight months and being half a world away from each other to say it. It depends on your relationship really – you will know when it’s right.

    4. Alpha Bravo*

      Those words are terrifying to some people. After a couple of months dating my late spouse told me he thought he was falling in love with me. My panicked response was “Don’t!” Luckily for me I didn’t flee.

    5. Language Student*

      I said it 3 months in, but I was also 14. (We’re coming up to 6 years now.) She didn’t say it back until a few months later, which was fine and I said at the time that I knew it was early and didn’t expect her to say it back.

      In general, I think it depends? How well you know each other is the deciding factor for me, and that can come at different rates of dating. I had been close friends with my girlfriend before we started dating for a couple of years, so we knew each other really well. If we’d only known each other for 3 months when I said it, though, that might’ve been too early if it wasn’t enough time for us to get to know each other. If you’re talking daily for three months, though, it might be different.

    6. Daisy*

      This is such a personal topic, there definitely isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach. I say do it when it feels right.

      My partner and I said it after only 2 weeks of dating. However, our situation was fairly unique in that we both knew pretty much staight away (second date for me) that this was IT. 6 years later and that feeling hasn’t changed at all. We were also super open and honest with each other about how we felt, so it didn’t come as a surprise or shock when we said the actual words.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Not the answer you are looking for.
      My dog told my friend, “Wi wuv woo” the fifth time my friend came over to visit.

      The look on my friend’s face was absolutely priceless.

      2. Clever Name*

        My childhood best friend’s 3-year-old daughter ran up to me the first time we met and shouted “I love you!” I said, “I love you too!” It was seriously one of the best moments of my life. :)

    8. Cambridge Comma*

      It’s reasonable once it’s true, I would say. I said it after 4 days and it worked out well.

    9. Aurora Leigh*

      I said first, about 2 months in. I’d been thinking it for a couple of weeks, and I wanted to say it first.

      It actually just kind of slipped out.

      I was falling asleep and I’m pretty sure it sounded like I wuv you. He said what? and I repeated myself and he said he “wuved” me too. :)

      Took a few weeks after that for us to start saying it regularly, and now it’s a toss up who gets to say it first in conversation.

    10. Dan*

      Say it when it’s genuine, not just puppy love. If I were a counting guy (and I am), I’d say not before three months of dating at least twice a week. That person does have flaws, and you need some sense of them before you declare your everlasting undying love.

      1. The Person from the Resume*

        I agree; say I when you feel it just being cautious that it’s love and not lust or infatuation. I said it to my ex a couple of months in but because of holiday time off we practically cohabitated for a week. That said she’s an ex after a 9 month relationship. I don’t regret it; it was true. I don’t love her anymore after spending months getting over the breakup but I do still care for her.

    11. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I said it after my first girlfriend and I were together for eight days. I strongly recommend not doing this. I truly did love her, head over heels. But it (very understandably) freaked her out so much that, even though we continued dating for two months, she could never get un-freaked.

      For the record, I was 19 and absolutely clueless, and just thought that was what you do. In romantic movies they say it after an hour and a half.

      I’m happily married now, and I think I told my wife I loved her after about three or four months. She was waiting awhile for me to say it. Your mileage may vary. Just don’t say it after eight days!

  55. Wendy Darling*

    We’re supposed to be visiting Mr Darling’s relatives in [very expensive city] in 2 weeks but his cousin is being a huge flake. We MIGHT be able to stay at her house but maybe not but she’s not sure and she takes DAYS to respond to anything we ask, so we just got her address today to look for accommodations nearby, you know, in case we cannot stay at hers.

    And of course everything that doesn’t cost a fortune has been booked already. And as a bonus we’ll be driving to [very expensive city] so we have to find a place that provides parking, which narrows our options even more.

    I don’t even want to go anymore but I don’t think I can say “actually because your cousin is a flake this is such a massive circus that I cannot be bothered”.

    1. NeverNicky*

      You could you know. Or a variant thereof: “As we need to book accommodation so late as cousin’s isn’t available, everything is now out of our budget. Sorry can’t make it this time!”

      1. Wendy Darling*

        Mr Darling told his cousin that we couldn’t find anywhere to stay so it was her place or nothing, and suddenly we can definitely stay at cousin’s house. So I guess that worked out.

        I’m just glad we’re not stuck paying $500+ for a couple days’ accommodations — I don’t get PTO at my job so I’m still recovering from not getting paid for most of December and a chunk of January.

        1. Effie, who can't hear her insecurities, because she's busy dancing*

          Funny how that happens sometimes…glad it worked out for you and hope you have a great visit!

    2. Dan*

      I live in an apartment in the suburbs of [very expensive city that may or may not be the one you are referring to.] And yeah, the one thing I feel guilty about is that I can’t comfortably put up out of town guests in my one bedroom apartment. The prospect is just not worth renting more space than I need every month.

      I’m aware of what it costs around here, but I wouldn’t jerk my guests around about it. That’s just f’ing rude.

      1. Wendy Darling*

        I mean we would have been fine if she couldn’t put us up — we were totally planning on booking someplace until she offered. It’s just she kept telling us to wait… for weeks… until it was so close to the travel date that everything in our price range was booked out.

        Next time I won’t wait.

  56. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

    Also a weird linguistic question. I’m American (with an American accent, relatively neutral, although New Englanders like to tell me I have a Southern accent) in the UK. I’ve now had 3 separate baristas mishear my order of “hot chocolate” as “latte.” Anyone have any idea what might be going on there? I know the vowels are similar (hot and la), but there’s an extra syllable, and it just seems really weird.

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      Are you pronouncing it chack-a-let?

      Here, the vowels actually aren’t as similar as they are in a US accent. We say HOH-t and CHOH-colate. I can kind of see how this could happen once – three times is a bit much though, sorry!

      1. fposte*

        In my accent the “hot” overlaps and the “chocolate” doesn’t–they’re two different vowels. If that’s true for DSP, maybe she could try ordering “Chocolate . . . hot” and it wouldn’t trip the “latte” trigger.

        1. Basia, also a Fed*

          I agree with Ramona Flowers. Instead of chaw-klit, I would try pronouncing it chock-co-lot. Good luck!

      2. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        More like chaw-klit, although the “aw” sound isn’t super strong. And I often don’t pronounce the final t in words, so it’s probably coming out more like “ha chaw-klih.”

        I mean, I catch it before they actually give me a latte, lol. I just think it’s odd because it’s so consistent.

        2. Betsy*

          I think you might be right. As an Australian, an American pronunciation of ‘hot chocolate’ sounds like ‘haaaat chaak-latt’ to me. If you’re saying it fast or they’re distracted, maybe they’re just hearing the tail end. It’s like that meme where Harry Potter looks like Hairy Padder in an American accent, but Arry Pouhta in an English accent.

    2. It happens*

      I ordered black coffee at a movie theater this week and the person behind the counter started to get me popcorn. I think a lot of people hear what they expect to hear…

    3. Turtlewings*

      Maybe make sure you’re putting a lot of voice into the “hot”? It’s a word that’s mostly breath, so like… you’re staring down into your purse when you start talking, by the time you look up the barista only hears you say CHAW-klih (kinda dropping the last bit, as you described)… could easily turn into ‘latte.’

      1. Grandma Mazur*

        I wondered if a US-accented “hot” might also sound a little like “caffe” (as in caffe latte) in a noisy cafe, so I would definitely try “cocoa”! As an aside, I once really struggled to get a drink of water in San Diego airport – I’d been pronouncing it the British way (WOORT-r) and the staff just looked at me blankly until I said WAH-der…

    5. Overeducated*

      Maybe if they can’t hear you well, they’re trying to guess a bit from lip movements? When I say “hot chocolate,” I could see the lip shapes being similar to “a latte.”

    6. HannahS*

      I think what’s happening is that the barista heard your accent and got distracted and inwardly went “Hey, an American!….Oh sh*t what did he order? I heard a ‘lah’ and he’s a grown man so…latte?”

    7. Valancy Snaith*

      Do you speak softly? I’m a barista. It is loud as hell behind the counter, and I’m sure it’s a combination of a loud area + the baristas not expecting to hear an accented voice, which probably throws what they’re anticipating and leads to confusion. Try specifically ordering “hot cocoa,” or just speaking more loudly and slowly.

      1. Casuan*

        Americans tend to speak quickly & not enunciate as well as they think they do. Often the first syllable gets lost. It might help to say a few extra syllables first so the barista can adjust to the different accent, just “Hi, I’d like a hot chocolate (or cocoa), please.”
        Let us know if you sort it out & what worked!

  57. Anono-me*

    How do I tell if a cat is a stray that needs rescuing or an outdoor cat that likes visiting othe people’s houses?

    It is very cold here.

    Every so often when we are outside a cat will show up and sit by our door and demand to be let inside. Or try to sneak in. The cat looked clean and healthy, even little plump, so we assumed outdoor cat.

    About 5 the other morning, I went outside and saw cat foot prints in the fresh snow, (3-4 hours old at the most.) Now I am wondering if the cat is a stray that needs a warm place for the night.

    Due to allergies it is not possible for the cat to be in our home.

    None of the immediate neighbors know the cat’s family.

    Thank you.

    1. Ellie*

      If it’s out in the night like that, it has negligent owners and should be considered a stray!! Take steps to rescue it!

      1. Turtlewings*

        Just because it’s an outdoor cat doesn’t mean it has negligent owners.

        Cats are usually pretty good at taking care of themselves, so if it was out and about in the cold, it’s probably because it wanted to be, i.e. it would have found shelter if it was uncomfortable, even if it is a stray. Like you, if the cat’s plump and well-cared-for, I would assume it does have an owner.

        You can try setting out some kind of warm hidey-hole for it to use. There’s really no downside to that. He can go in there instead of scratching at your door, and if you realize he’s sort of moved in there full-time, that’ll be a good sign that maybe he doesn’t have an owner after all.

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        What?! No! My cat is allowed in and out as he pleases. He likes going out at night. That does not make us negligent!

        1. fposte*

          My guess is that Ellie is posting from one of the many areas in the U.S. where leaving your cat out at night means either he will be eaten or, in February, freeze to death.

          2. Ramona Flowers*

            Whereas shutting my cat in at night means I will have my kneecaps systematically shredded. The feline member of the Flowers family is particularly fond of a game that can be loosely summarised as Surprise! There’s a Wet Cat In Your Face!

      3. Kuododi*

        Somebody with your mindset decided to “rescue” my beloved indoor/outdoor tabby and I never saw him again. It was a warm spring day around noon and he was a well groomed, very well fed cat who enjoyed exploring the neighborhood and always came home in the evening. He didn’t need a rescue from anything except possibly binge eating. I’m sure you mean well however not everything requires your intervention.

        1. Ellie*

          Um, I wasn’t staring that anything merits MY intervention- if the poster is concerned, then there is probably a reason she’s concerned. You don’t worry about neighborhood cats when you live in a safe neighborhood. You do worry about cats that are outside if you, like I and my family, know a cat outdoors is a cat exposed to coyotes, wild dogs, poisonous snakes and, best of all, the horrible people who try to ‘control’ the cat and dog population by putting out meat covered with antifreeze. For everyone who lives in super safe spaces, great, let your animals go where you will, but some of us aren’t willing to take the risk. Don’t assume I’m going through life trying to be a know-it-all or a do-gooder; maybe I’m scared at seeing something else suffer needlessly.

        2. Ellie*

          I’d also never take an animal and just assume it’s mine now. I’m the idiot who stops the car to catch the dog running in the road and about to get hit, then takes its picture and puts signs up everywhere and get it to the vet to get it all sorts of shots while waiting and waiting and waiting for someone to see the signs I’ve plastered all over the area and at whatever businesses are close. I come from an idiot family that keeps abandoned pregnant dogs and finds homes for all the puppies.

      4. Elizabeth West*

        My cat lived outside her entire life. In the nine years she was mine, I never neglected her. She had adequate shelter, water, and food. She would not stay in the house no matter what I tried.

        The only night she ever spent inside was when she was doped up after emergency care for a tail injury. And this was not willingly. She was thirteen when she died, and that’s damn good for an outdoor cat.

    2. Elkay*

      Can you get a collar on the cat? One of the reasons I put a collar on my cat is to show he has an owner. If he has an owner it’ll let them know he’s going to other houses.

      1. Turtlewings*

        Oh, that’s an idea. Put your phone number on there so the owners can call and say “actually that’s our cat,” and the mystery will be solved.

        1. Ktelzbeth*

          I used almost the method Turtlewings describes when I had the same question as Anono-me. I attached a note with my number and my concern over whether the cat had an owner. I got a very nice call from the owner.

          Even in parts of the country where it gets to -10 and colder (I’m typing from one) some people have set ups that give their cats nice warm indoor spaces and beds when they want them but also free access to the outdoors. The cat may be a stray or may have a home that it can enter and leave at its leisure.

    3. Stormy*

      We have a lot of strays in my semi-rural area. People keep barn cats and don’t neuter them, they reproduce and spread out to claim territory, and then those of us in developments try to TNR (trap, neuter, return) as many as we can. Does the cat have a clipped-off ear tip? If so, s/he has been neutered and returned outdoors.

      I buy feral housing (google “feral villa” to see the model I use) and set a few up in my yard. They are pretty low maintenance: a coat of paint every few years, reshingle if there’s damage from storms, and open the lid to wipe out the inside and check for snakes every month or so. As long as cats have shelter from wind and precipitation, they can deal with cold pretty well. I’m in zone 5a in the US.

    4. Casuan*

      If kitty doesn’t have a collar it might have a microchip. I think most vets have a scanner to read for microchips. You can call a local veterinarian for guidance on this.
      Also, if you’re able to do so, you can put some old towels or blankets out. Although be warned that humans don’t adopt cats, rather cats adopt humans… which can be problematic if you have allergies. Also, resist the temptation to out out food, unless you think the creature is truly starving. If that’s the case, then it’s probably best to call the local shelter.
      Thanks for your question, Anono-me. Your neighbourhood cats are fortunate to have your concern!

    5. Natalie*

      This would be a bit of a craft project, but you can make shelters for stray cats out of a plastic bin (like a Rubbermaid) and a cooler. At least if it was a stray it would have a warm shelter.

      1. Mm Hmm*

        Yep. Kitten Lady on Facebook has directions for making them, among others.
        Also, remember that once most fabrics get wet they chill rather than warm. Straw (not hay) is a recommended insulator.

  58. fposte*

    Organization blogs/books: I’ve been looking at stuff for inspiration and tips, and I can’t decide if there’s just a finite number of ideas people can have, if there’s so much content recycling that it’s hard to find something new, or if cultural differences are more important than I realized, or all of the above.

    I’ve pretty much given up on looking via Pinterest because it’s so cuteness-focused (I am not going to spray paint anything or put ribbons on it) and it takes so long to drill down through the link roundups and image-fests to the actual content source, and then it’s still 90% baskets and magnetizing things to stick them up or to the side. But I’m also not looking to solve any particular problem, just get inspired and find a few tips I hadn’t considered, so maybe I just need to find a blog, book, or venue that’s more my style–austere rather than cute, with no wrapping paper storage involved? I used to like Apartment Therapy but haven’t dug into it for a while–is it still any good?

    1. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Better Homes & Gardens has a seasonal magazine called Storage that has the cutsy stuff but also good, general organizing ideas. And the Do It Yourself magazine also tends to have good storage related content. I find the IKEA catalog/website is also a great resource for ideas.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, good thought. If there are any particular channels, please let me know.

        I suspect what I like falls just as much into a template as the stuff I don’t, so I’m not throwing shade, but it was funny how fast I realized that Pinterest-script font and bright aqua accents meant “not for me” :-).

        1. Nicole*

          I know what you mean! No offense to anyone who likes teal, but that colors comes up a lot and I’m really not a fan.

          A few of the channels that have given me some ideas:
          Abby Organizes
          ClutterBug
          Simply Cherie

    3. Myrin*

      I don’t know if this is what you mean but I really like just leafing through furniture catalogues! (Be that online or on real paper, but there’s just something about a catalogue-format that inspires me.)

    6. Southernbelle*

      Ursula Vernon & spouse have a podcast called “Productivity Alchemy.” I doubt she’s ever spray painted something with ribbons in her life!

    7. Tex*

      RealSimple magazine’s decluttering articles. (OK, not great). Reddit r/decluttering. Marie Kondo’s book.

    8. Lightly-chewed Jimmy*

      some of the old Sunset books have interesting ideas or can just be good for inspiration – some things have become really standard now but some not so much.
      And some things are very 70s and make you wonder either why we ever started or why we ever stopped :)

  59. Myrin*

    Oh dang flabbit, I found the perfect birthday present for my sister (a big, cute plush toy of a video game character she adores), but the company making them is in the US and I’m in Germany. I’ve ordered from the US before but man, shipping is so expensive anyway but then I’ve also had unpleasant experiences both with lost packages and weird customs problems and now I actually really don’t want to order from abroad anymore. I’m so annoyed, not least of all because I’m a horrible gift-giver – even though I know my sister extremely well, but I seem to not be creative at all – and now I’ll have to come up with something less cool and less creative. :(
    (On the other hand, it will almost certainly also be less expensive.)

  60. GlitterGlobeGrapes*

    Can exes ever get back together and have it work out?

    I dated a guy for 4 years, have been apart for 2, and now he has popped up again saying he’s always been in love with me, wants to try again, thinks we can make it etc. etc. He was the one who dumped me, we were in a bad place in our relationship (no violence or cheating) and we’ve had no contact since the breakup around 2 years ago. I don’t really believe in ‘the one that got away’ but I guess if I did this guy might fit the bill. There are a couple of issues I’m not sure I can forgive him for, and every single friend/relative is telling me it’s a bad idea even talking to him. I’ve agreed to meet him in a couple of weeks for coffee. I have no idea what I want! But can you ever really go back with an ex?

    1. nep*

      I believe absolutely exes can get back together and it can work. (I’ve even heard of a divorced couple dating and falling in love all over again.)
      I also believe, though, that we don’t need for something to ‘have happened before’ or ‘be a thing that occurs in society’ for it to be real and true and just right.
      Wishing you all the best.

    2. fposte*

      I don’t think there’s any hard and fast rule. The question for me is those issues you can’t forgive him for; are you going back in with stealthy hope you can relitigate those and have them come out the way you want this time? I think if you’re not at peace with the old wrongs, they’re at high risk of damaging the future. (And that’s also the impression I got from a sibling who reunited with a spouse following adultery and separation.)

    3. Agnodike*

      It’s possible for some people. Only you know if it’s possible for you. The stuff you can’t forgive him for is still going to be there. If it’s truly something you can’t let go of, how are you going to be able to live with it in the relationship?

    4. K.*

      I do think it’s possible as long as you really address why you broke up in the first place. If you get back together and don’t address that, odds are good the issues will just recur. The issues you’re not sure if you can forgive him for: are they still present? What would need to happen for you to forgive him – on your end or on his, or both?

    5. KayEss*

      No advice, but I misread your initial question as “can execs ever get back together and have it work out?” and was mildly disappointed that there wasn’t some bizarre romcom situation focused on estranged c-suites going on.

    6. Dan*

      I have a one that got away. But I’m pretty sure that is a purely one-sided feeling, as she pretty much told me so when we were at a point where it could have worked and she put the brakes on something that never came to be.

      Hell, I even describe it that way to my shrink.

      I also don’t believe in chasing something that shouldn’t be. If he got away but shouldn’t have, you’d know it and wouldn’t be asking for advice. Don’t chase something just becaus you think it’s your “best” option at the moment. While it may be true, you don’t wan’t to force something that shouldn’t be. Your best option at the moment isn’t the same thing as your best option for the long haul.

    7. Anono-me*

      In your post you sound very unenthusiastic about your ex. I may be misreading your tone; but if you are not looking forward to seeing this person, maybe think about what that is telling you.

      1. hermit crab*

        I agree – GlitterGlobeGrapes, your situation sounds pretty different than mine but, if you’re looking for anecdotes, my ex (ex-ex? former ex?) and I are happily married. It actually worked out really well for us, because we each dated other people during our hiatus years and sort of generally grew up/figured out what we wanted.

    8. Lima9472*

      My husband and I had a couple years of dating attempts, then he dumped me and we got back together about 4 months later. After a few weeks of feeling mixed/that things were the same as before, we had a very long and emotional talk about what had not worked before and what I needed/wanted going forward. To my husband’s great credit, he immediately took me up on it and made changes, letting us build a much better relationship. You don’t owe him another chance but if you’re curious to see whether there’s a possibility/desire on your part to pick things up again, no harm in meeting up. I just think real honesty and openness re: the past and it’s impact on both your parts is key.

    9. Accountress*

      I wouldn’t say there’s a hard and fast rule on yes/no, but I would caution that after two years apart, no contact, the person he says he’s in love with doesn’t really exist anymore. Even just the process of breaking up and working through it on your own can change you.

      If you decide to start again, please think about going slow, so that you both can get to know the people you are now. Good luck, whatever you decide!

    10. GlitterGlobeGrapes*

      I’ll elaborate (if anyone is still reading!). The break up was handled really badly by him, not that breakups are ever fun, but the way he did it was really unpleasant and that moreso than him leaving took a long while for me to get over. Between then and now one of my parents passed – he didn’t come to the funeral because he says the girl he was dating at the time wouldn’t allow it and he made a bad decision in listening to her.

      He seems genuinely sorry and I’m sure in ways he is, I just feel kind of closed off emotionally to him either way. I don’t hate him, I’m not mad, I’m just kind of indifferent about the whole thing. I never thought this, him, would be anything I’d ever have to think about again. I’ve agreed to meet him because I guess I don’t know how I feel. The last thing I want to do is make either of us unhappy or enter into a relationship where he’s constantly on eggshells and I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    11. Betsy*

      I think it’s possible. Often people who have broken up before will break up again if the same issues crop up. But then again, sometimes people break up due to incompatible goals or wants, but those goals change later on. Also, I guess sometimes (perhaps only occasionally) people just mature and get over jerky traits.

  61. Rescue ALL the Dogs*

    So this week my fiancé and I decided that we want to elope…probably in New Orleans. We don’t want a crazy fancy affair but are looking for recommendations on a fantastic restaurant for a romantic post-elopement dinner. So does anyone have any suggestions?

    What about a place for some good live music? Jazz or rock will do.

    Also we were looking at trying to do everything in the French quarter but I have heard mixed things about that. Is it a good place to stay? (Any hotel recommendations?)

    Thanks!!!

    1. Reba*

      Sounds so fun! Congratulations!

      For my money Frenchmen street is better for music than the French quarter (Preservation Hall excepted). FQ is heavily touristed and all that implies. My own taste would lead me to stay a B&B in or near the Garden District. But I am No Fun :)

    2. Aly_b*

      I wouldn’t do it for fancy dinner but I was just in New Orleans and went to Bacchanal for live music (jazz) and wine and cheese. It’s an outdoor patio with some tables, you buy a bottle or glass of wine inside, and if you want some cheese or other food, and bring it outside to listen to music. It was sort of a giant backyard but it felt great to be in and if that’s your thing, it felt a lot more quiet and romantic than anywhere I went on Frenchman St or in the French Quarter for music. You could definitely get good dinner in the French Quarter. I didn’t go (I don’t eat fish) but Antoine’s is definitely a thing.

    3. Cookie D'oh*

      Arnaud’s on Bienville Street is a great restaurant. It’s weird that a place so fancy is so close to Bourbon Street. The French 75 bar next door is a great place to get cocktails before dinner.

      We’ve stayed at the Marriott on Canal St. It’s on the edge of the quarter. The first time we visited, we stayed at the Mazarin. Not sure of your price range, but the Hotel Monteleone is nice. Check out the Carousel Bar.

      I love staying in the French Quarter and find it very walkable. You can get an Uber/Lyft or use the street car to get to the Garden District or other areas.

    4. ArtK*

      Sorry for the late reply — flu had me sleeping all day.
      NOLA is one of the most romantic places ever. We went there on our honeymoon and have been back many times. Most recently, we stayed in a B&B in the Garden District; the Sully Mansion, which was very comfortable, the hosts friendly and the breakfast wonderful. It’s a beautiful area to walk in and some nice shopping. It’s very easy to take the streetcar to downtown and walk into the Quarter if that’s where you want to be. Also in the Garden District is our *favorite* restaurant in the city, Commander’s Palace. You can’t go wrong with a romantic dinner there.
      On a previous trip, we rented a place on Esplanade near the Quarter. There were four of us so that made it reasonable. Some nice places on that side.
      Lots of fun stuff to do in the Quarter. Yes, it’s a bit touristy but if you stay off of Bourbon Street you’ll miss a lot of that. Walk down Royal and peek in the antique shops. There are some great art galleries — we’re big fans of Craig Tracey and have a lot of his stuff. There’s music everywhere — some of the street musicians are amazing. If you catch Doreen Kitchens (clarinet) and her band, you’re in for a treat. Drinks at the Carousel Bar in the Hotel Monteleone are great — have the Vieux Carre. Cheaper, but very filling meals, stop by the Gumbo Shop. There are dozens of great restaurants in the quarter. Brennan’s, Antoine’s and Galatoires are some of the old school places (Antoine’s is one of the oldest in the country.)
      Have a mufaletta at the Grand Central Grocery. Be prepared to split it. You can’t visit the Quarter without cafe au lait and beignets at Cafe du Monde. Visit the Pepper Palace if you like hot sauces — they have hundreds ranging from mild to call-an-ambulance. Lots of cool museums in the Quarter and in the rest of the city.

      1. SnarkyLibrarian*

        This might be too late but I just had to cast my vote for Arnaud’s or Commanders Palace. Such good food and ambiance! Also, if you like steak Galatoire’s 33 is wonderful. Get the potatoes Brabant. So. Much. Butter. Also Meauxbar is delicious and dark and romantic. Staying in the Quarter is fun, I love the Place Des Armes, which is right off Jackson Square and surprisingly inexpensive. Have fun and congratulations :)

  62. Legalchef*

    Prepping for a super bowl party is not all that easy w an 8 mo old!

    So far I’ve made cupcakes, brownies, lemon bars, stuffed mini peppers, and roasted red pepper dip. Still have to make spinach artichoke dip, lentil dip, and deviled eggs. And Rice Krispie treats, bc when my husband heard I wasn’t planning on making them he pouted until I relented.

    I’m tired!

    1. Megan*

      Wow, that’s a lot! Doesn’t sound that easy even without the 8-month old, and babies make everything exponentially harder in my experience. Why doesn’t your husband make his own rice krispie treats??

      1. Forking Great Username*

        Yes! This is a ton of work – if he really cares about the Rice Krispie treats that much, I’d tell him he can make them.

      2. Legalchef*

        Because mine are better than his. *eyeroll*

        (It’s actually true though. I brown the butter and add sea salt. They are epic.)

        1. Cristina in England*

          I do this too and yes they are amazing! I use Smitten Kitchen’s recipe called something like “brown butter Rice Krispie treats” for anyone googling.

        2. Circus peanuts*

          You should make them together so he will know how to make his favorite on his own. You never know when you might be on a business trip and he might have a yen for them then.

    2. Agnodike*

      I presume husband is doing 100% of the childcare while you’re making the Rice Krispie treats of his dreams and other assorted goodies for your shared guests?

      1. Legalchef*

        Luckily he’s a pretty easy kiddo! Content to be in him jumperoo or playing on his mat, most of the time. Except for the hour nap he had on top of me, which was pretty great.

        1. Agnodike*

          How do you get one of those?? Any of mine would have been crawling into the mixing bowls and shrieking until they got their own spoon.

          (Seriously, though, I hope the whole burden of childcare AND entertaining isn’t falling on you, because it really sucks when that happens. Looking after a kid is full-time work, and it sounds like you’re taking on a lot with this party! You don’t have to do it all!)

          1. Legalchef*

            Haha. He doesn’t really crawl yet, which makes it easier! I have to worry about him scootching places on his back (the other day he ended up under our table!) but he can’t do that as quickly.

            My husband has definitely been helping out, don’t worry!

  63. A.N.O.N.*

    Thinking of traveling to Australia (and maybe Fiji?) in mid-July of next year. We would have about two weeks.

    Tips, suggestions, places or things to definitely see/do? Would December be a better or worse time to visit?

    *Looking for a vacation that would include a bit of everything: city exploring, cultural stuff, nature, adventure, relaxing/beach. Also open to recommendations of other places to visit.

    1. Forking Great Username*

      When you say beach, I’m assuming you’re looking for warm weather – not sure July in Australia would be good for that. You might already know that, I’m not sure where you’re from. But as an American I know that in my head July equals summer and beaches, and I often forget that in Australia their seasons are completely unlike ours!

    2. GreyNerdShark*

      December is hot, and the further North the more humid. Not so bad if you are doing a lot of beach/swimming but otherwise it gets pretty bad north of the NSW border.

      Also recall Oz is large. So you are going to need to pick a city and stick with it, there isn’t time to travel between cities. (Put it this way… Texas is a tiny state in Oz terms, and we have one large city per state. Airfares between Sydney and Melbourne can be found cheaply everywhere else will cost.)

      What is adventure and cultural stuff to you? Are you a foodie? Bushwalking, abseiling, cycle touring, theatre, Aboriginal items and dancing, museums, art galleries, sailing, skiing, camping, caving,climbing, snorkelling?

      If someone said to you “I have 2 weeks in your country I want to do everything” what would you say? :)

      Be aware that by US standards Oz is expensive. We have a high minimum wage so anything that needs people to do it will cost more than an American is used to including coffee and eating out. Research accommodation and transport costs too.

      Pick one or two things and focus on them. If you want to do swimming and beach then do December but realise so are all the other tourists and the beaches of major cities are packed. If you want to do adventure then decide what that means to you and google for it.

    3. Aussie Teacher*

      I would recommend visiting the West Coast. There is so much to do – you can go down south for stunning forests, wine regions etc or up north for beaches, the Pinnacles, coastal gorges and much more. Stunning scenery!
      Just a note regarding tipping: although our minimum wage is high enough that tipping isn’t considered obligatory, when you eat at a nice restaurant (not just a cafe), it is generally expected that you tip (about 10% of the bill). I will always remember waitressing in a really upmarket restaurant on a quiet Tuesday night when a huge party of American sailors came in without a booking, ran me off my feet ordering special drinks and heaps of food, and then happily left without giving me a tip “because we don’t have to tip in Australia”! I was not well-pleased!

      1. Megan*

        I’m from Melbourne and not sure about the tipping – most cafes have tip jars at the counter but that’s literally for loose change and that’s it. No restaurants expect it. Neither my family nor friends nor work colleagues tip! No idea where you’re from Aussie Teacher but in Melbourne it doesn’t happen at all.

        Additionally, tax is included in our prices here (it’s the law). So if an item says $19.95 the total price you pay is…. $19.95. So easy!! That drove me bonkers about America ha.

    4. Unicorn*

      2 weeks is no time at all but at that time of year I would suggest fly into Sydney, spent a could of days doing the landmarks there (climb the bridge). Then fly up to Queensland (Cairns/Port Douglas area) and do a small tour that snorkels the barrier reef, see the Daintree rainforest, and the nice beaches up there. Theoretically you would be able to fly to Fiji from Brisbane but I would say you won’t have time.

    5. Dan*

      For just two weeks, there’s no “and maybe Fiji.” At most, there’s just a “maybe we should visit Australia. Or maybe not.”

      I’m from the USA, and three years ago May, I spent a month in Australia. Australia is huge, not unlike the USA. You will not see everything. During a given month, there’s a good time to go somewhere, even if there isn’t a good time to go everywhere.

      In the Southern Hemisphere, seasons are flipped from North America. Yeah, July is *cold* and December is balmy. But, northern Australia is tropical, not unlike southern Florida. So that’s more temperate throughout the year.

      My advice is to go for a longer period of time, and time it around things you want to do. Your best bet is to frame it like a trip to the US. Even if December is generally miserable in many parts of the country, it’s obligatory if you 1) Want to see snow or 2) Ski.

      Your question is th equivalent of “I want to visit the USA. When should I go? How long should I go? Where should I go?” That’s just too broad.

      1. A.N.O.N.*

        Right, we know we won’t see everything in Australia – more like we want to do a bit of everything, i.e. not just see museums in Sydney or Melbourne, or spend the whole time on a beach.

        We fully realize there’s no way we could see ALL of Australia – and we don’t have any expectations to do so!

        We were thinking that if we have only 14 days, we’d spend maybe 3ish days in each Sydney, Melbourne, and Cairns. We’ve seen a lot of itineraries from travel agents who have Sydney, Cairns, and Uluru, but I think we’d really like Melbourne and I’m not keen on skipping it. A travel agent told us Fiji would be great in July, but if it’s more of the same activity-wise to stuff we can do more easily in Australia, then we’d rather economize our time.

        But welcomed to hear any thoughts/suggestions on must-sees for such a short trip!

        1. Betsy*

          Perhaps combining Melbourne and Tasmania would be a good option, because they’re so close. The only issue is if you’re looking for a Summer holiday, neither of those places will be warm. I love Tasmania, I’m always telling people it’s one of my favourite places in Australia. It has a very particular sort of wilderness that I’ve never seen anywhere else in the world.

          The harbour and the beaches are the main highlights of Sydney, really. Melbourne’s fun as a tourist, and probably has a better food culture and arts scene than Sydney. It’s just a pity it doesn’t have the harbour or particularly nice beaches.

          The Northern Territory is my other recommendation, because it’s almost otherworldly. Either up north near Darwin or down near Alice Springs are really interesting, provided you have a hire car because Darwin and Alice themselves are not the highlights, it’s the nearby national parks and gorges.

          Haven’t been to Cairns or Fiji, so I can’t comment on those. I’ve never heard anyone rave about Cairns itself, though, although I’m sure there are nice areas nearby.

  64. nep*

    Back pain.
    I have had bouts of back pain (lower and in the neck/shoulders) that restrict my mobility and cause major discomfort for two or three weeks at a time. On every occasion it has eased with time. Problem is nothing in particular triggers it — so I can’t say OK I’ll avoid this action or that move in order to avoid the back pain.
    (Touch wood — I’ve been pain-free for a good couple months now. But sometimes I feel like I’m treading a tight rope — like it’s going to come back out of nowhere.)
    I can’t afford to get checked out right now.
    Does this sound like a bulging disc — does that sometimes cause pain seemingly out of nowhere, then settle down in time…only to recur months later?
    I’ve read bits here and there on line, but I’d like to hear people’s experience with this.

    1. nep*

      (Something that I think has made a difference is being more careful to warm up well before working out, including warming up the back. Also the more consistent I am with my yoga and stretching, the better. But again, since I don’t know what’s causing it, hard to say. In any case, both of these things good to do regardless.)

    2. fposte*

      Maybe? The thing is, even if it is a bulging disc, it 1) isn’t a ticking time bomb 2) doesn’t mean it always causes pain 3) doesn’t mean you should be doing anything other than what you’re doing now. Also, these are too far apart to be affected by the same disc–the nerve impingement that causes pain in neck or shoulders wouldn’t affect the lower back, and vice versa. (Look online for a dermatomes image to get a little more info there, but be aware those are a little more formal and directive than actual bodies tend to be.)

      It’s also possible at either site that it’s a nerve pain or impingement that happens outside of the spine. The body wraps big old important bundles of nerve conduit through some tiny spaces, like a contractor retrofitting an old house, and it’s not hard to pinch them along the way. Sciatica is the best known version of this, which can happen from disc/vertebral issues or because of a tight piriformis or pelvic stuff or, or, or. I periodically have thoracic outlet syndrome, which is an upper-back version of that where the brachial plexus heading toward the arm gets pinched. The actual symptoms won’t necessarily tell you where the pinching is happening (a spine doctor thought my TOS was spine stuff based on symptoms).

      Pain like this also often responds so slowly to interventions and changes that it can be really tough to decide what’s helping and what isn’t; it can be worth tracking what you did and how you rate your pain a few times a day just to look for an overall trend. If your budget supports it, a good massage therapist can be helpful in identifying possible areas of muscle tightness or experimenting on new ones (I’d hit up the scalenes and the levator scapuli for neck and shoulder); sometimes they’re guarding from nerve pain, but sometimes (this is a big one in TOS) the tight muscles are why the nerve is getting pinched. I can’t remember if you have Clair Davies’ trigger point book, but that’s worth getting a hold of to provide some guidance for self-poking, and it’s really helpful for illuminating different body syndromes aside from disc issues that you might find your problems map onto.

      tl; dr: maybe; maybe not; track; look at Clair Davies.

        1. nep*

          Thank you. A lot of great information here. And yes — the less sitting, the better. Great reminder.
          (Once again I’ll look at these three gift certificates I’ve got for full-hour deep tissue massage at a nearby chiropractic office…I’ll ponder it…then I won’t call for an appointment. I know it’s therapeutic but I just can’t bring myself to do it.)
          I’m going to look up the book you mentioned. Appreciate all the tips and info.

    3. Lissa*

      Me too, with back pain and not knowing why. I have two sections of back pain, one is my very lower back – I wake up with it hurting mildly to moderately most mornings, and am pretty sure it’is partly due to a crappy old bed. Certain stretches help a liiiiittle, yoga etc. but overall it just sticks around for about 20 minutes after I wake up every morning, occasionally lasting for longer. I also have pain in the upper back, what I think of as “under” the shoulderblades, and that is really painful and like you, doesnot seem to really be triggered by anything specific. I am sure my job is part of it as I am typing for hours at a time in odd positions. It has just gotten to be almost normal for me which probably is not great.

      1. nep*

        I desperately need a new mattress. My poor back, sleeping in this mushy old thing.
        It’s just so refreshing — feels like a different life — having strings of days/weeks with no pain. (Again, knock on wood.) One thing I’ve been doing in the morning is just back flexion (mild) and extension, about 10 or so times. I also make sure I do a bit of ‘bird dog’ before working out — supposed to be good for activating the multifidus muscle.
        Also I recently read a couple of articles about the importance of hydration for the spine. Drink up.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          You are singing my song.

          I have had a long bout of lower back pain. It’s drilling down to three issues. Inconsistent hydration, not enough vegetables and too much sitting.

    4. GreyNerdShark*

      Consider your daily movements. How are you sitting, how are you walking, how are you standing? Posture and movement is what you do every waking moment and bad habits add up.

      Dr Jolie Greenspan has some good stuff under Fitness Fixer, about posture and movement. http://www.drbookspan.com/fitfix-index.html Alas as she says a lot of the articles are gone due to site changes but there are still some.

      When my back and shoulders play up I can trace it back to not walking and standing properly and not stretching my pectorals, and not engaging my abs. Head up, chin in, shoulders back and down, abs engaged so lower back doesn’t overarch, relax hips, knees straight… THe other day I did a lot of walking and wasn’t paying attention in the beginning to my hips and midsection and oh did I pay for it by the end!

      Guy Windsor has videos on arms/shoulders and knees that are for martial artists but work for people not swinging swords too. \swordschool.teachable.com/p/free-forearm-maintenance-course and swordschool.teachable.com/p/free-course-knee-maintenance The shoulder motion work in the first one is very useful as is the hip work in the second.

      Generally going to a chiro or masseur is short term. Suppose you kept getting scrapes down the side of your car. Would you just keep getting it repainted or would you move the thing in the garage that you keep hitting?

    5. Mm Hmm*

      Patterns of physical tension can leave us just shy of pain, with a shift in that balance sending us over the edge unexpectedly. One option is checking out classes in the Alexander Technique. FM Alexander discovered a methodology for releasing unnecessary tensions for greater physical efficiency. The focus is on the relationships of movement rather than positioning or postures. He called it “the use of the self.” It generally means adjusting habitual patterns, but one can really gain in freedom, range, & strength. Dancers & musicians often use it as do some athletes, & so on. The cool thing is it’s something you learn to do for yourself, so you take it with you rather than always needing an outside person to use it. I found a teacher offering sets of four group classes, which was a great way to try it out (& was hooked!). I do recommend group classes. It’s cool to see what’s happening in others & that helps interpret what’s happening internally.

      You can look up the late Margery Barstow online to see videos of her classes. She doesn’t talk much in those, but it’s fascinating to see how seemingly tiny shifts get such big results. And watching her move is something else.

    7. Kuododi*

      I have degenerative disc disease, a pinched nerve in my neck, arthritis in both shoulders and radiating pain down my arms to hands leaving me with severe nerve pain in my fingers. I work out regularly at a local fitness center using a recombent stair stepper, walking and very light weight lifting as well as yoga. My pain management is working with me on using vitamin supplements to strengthen nerve endings and conduction. He also has me on a compounded pain ointment which is very helpful. The best thing he recommended for long term pain management is easy exercise. I would recommend a quality pain management MD who can evaluate your particular circumstances. Look for one who is not going to reach for the hard core meds on the first appointment. Best wishes!!!

    8. Ktelzbeth*

      Pain on and off in the neck and shoulders can also be muscular. It only takes a tiny insult sometimes to make muscles tense up (my trapezius is terrible this way) and they don’t always relax. Take a look at myofascial pain syndrome and see if it sounds at all similar to your experience.

      1. Ktelzbeth*

        I submitted too soon. Some places you will see discussions of myofascial pain syndrome and other places just myofascial pain. You can have only one or a couple muscles ever bothered. Pain high and low in your back would not generally be caused by a single disk. A bulging disk in and of itself isn’t always painful until it impinges on a nerve headed somewhere else or herniates (ruptures). Then you have pain wherever that nerve goes in the first case or in your back as the insides of the disk irritate the area around it in the second.

    9. Lima9472*

      I highly highly recommend any of Dr. John Sarno’s books, including “Healing Back Pain”. My parent was a patient of his in the 1980s after suffering several years of back and neck pain, and I have also found his books incredibly helpful over the years. He notes the challenge of fearing the recurrence of pain and how to stop letting it impact your life. I sound a little evangelistic, but I really can’t overstate how helpful he’s been to my family and friends. Best of luck – back pain is so debilitating and awful.

  65. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    Wife and I are on our first long vacation that doesn’t involve trips to see family! We’re in Kauai, Hawaii.

    It’s great, especially the fresh coffee and the plantation where it’s grown. I also read online before coming that the island has a feral population of Polynesian chickens.

    They’re EVERYWHERE, like city pigeons. I am about to murder the next rooster that crows so early in the morning though.

    1. CAA*

      LOL, I know what you mean about the chickens. If you have time, I highly recommend a drive to the Kilauea Point bird refuge. It’s really a gorgeous spot.

    2. LadyKelvin*

      They are worse in Kauai than Oahu, but yeah the are really really annoying. In our old apartment we had a flock of 20-30 that people fed so they were there all the time. And crowed all day and all night. Roosters crowing at dawn is a myth, they crow constantly. Sorry the weather is kinda crap for your visit, the Kona Storm has been making it rainy and cloudy for days. Hopefully it clears up in the next day or two so you can enjoy some of our wonderfu sunshine.

    1. caledonia*

      BEST: cute coffee guy and I completed Dry January

      WORST: Instead of alcohol I ate a lot of cake…

    2. HannahS*

      Best: My efforts to make friends are working! I’ve made plans to host some people tomorrow night, and I’m very excited about it :)

      Worst: Nothing terrible, but damn am I single. OkCupid is proving fruitless, J-swipe is the same. The fellows I write to can’t be bothered to hold up their end of the conversation! It had me feeling a bit down this week.

    3. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Best: being engaged to the love of my life

      Worst: see earlier post. Family making unreasonable voluntold/suggestion-demands.

      Silver lining: using the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells” to set and reinforce healthy boundaries. No fam, giving SO and I sleep deprivation to get to church 2.5 hours away the morning after the wedding is NOT reasonable.

      Spending $1500 on a cultural tradition Friday is semi-unreasonable.

      Healthy boundary: it’s Friday OR Sunday, fam. Not both. Take it or leave it. Especially since I’m footing the bill not you. *drops mic*

    4. Temperance*

      BEST: my huge bathroom reno is almost done! Just a few more hours from our contractor :)
      WORST: my favorite niece apparently hates groundhogs and thinks that Groundhog Day is stupid – she’s 5! Groundhog Day is super fun! I was hoping to share my favorite holiday with my favorite kids.

    5. Ramona Flowers*

      Best: saw Cirque du Soleil’s new show, Ovo. It was amazing and my favourite of theirs that I’ve seen.

      Worst: estranged sibling attempting to get in touch. About the last thing I need right now.

    6. FrontRangeOy*

      Best: Made something like 15 dozen cookies today (5 different kinds)

      Worst: Had to dump half a batch of wedding cookies because I rolled them in bread flour instead of powdered sugar AND dumped 2 dozen sugar cookies on the floor when a parchment paper tray failed spectacularly.

  67. going anon for this one*

    So, I need some advice about a situation that happened to me earlier this week. I’ve had multiple people tell me I was in the wrong.

    I was going to a client’s site on Tuesday morning in a neighborhood I’m unfamiliar with. It was 9:30 am and I was walking down the street to get to the client’s office. An elderly, blind man stopped me and asked me where ABC Liquors was. I said I wasn’t from the area, but I passed a liquor store a block behind us. He said he didn’t want that liquor store, but wanted ABC Liquors. He then proceeded to ask if I knew where it was, and even though I kept saying no, but I could figure out where it was if I looked at my phone.

    He kept insisting that I must know where it was, and was lying to him, and then grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him and said, “you’re gonna take me there”. I repeated that I didn’t know where the liquor store was, but could look up directions. He then proceeded to push me away with enough force that I almost fell, all while calling me a c*nt and a b*tch. He then proceeded to complain loudly about how no one wanted to help him.

    I should also mention that he reeked of alcohol. A few people nearby on the street who witnessed the entire situation said I should have stayed to help him because he was old and blind, and one said he wished he had thought to video the encounter because able-bodied people who don’t help the disabled are awful and deserve to be publicly shamed. When I asked some acquaintances about it later, they said it didn’t matter that I felt insulted and assaulted because people are supposed to help those in need.

    Which….I’m super conflicted about this because I would normally help someone, but this man grabbed me and insulted me, and I don’t think I’m obligated to continue helping someone regardless of their situation if they’re going to be cruel. Was I truly in the wrong here? Should I have stayed to help him even though he called me a c*nt and grabbed/pushed me?

    1. fposte*

      Did those people on the street who wanted to video the encounter take the guy where he wanted to go, or did they just want to tell you what you should have done?

      I’m not sure what else is going on on the scene and in your descriptions to other people, because as described this is a no-brainer–you’re not obligated to help anybody, let alone somebody who calls you names and pushes you.

      1. going anon for this one*

        As far as I saw, they didn’t help the guy. I left pretty quickly afterwards, but I have to say, I was rattled at the idea that someone wished they could have taped me to, I assume, upload it online. Which is what had me second guessing the whole situation.

        1. Myrin*

          I honestly can’t imagine that this could in any way have been spun to reflect negatively on you; guy approached you – you were polite and offered to help, but couldn’t offer “help” in exactly the way guy wanted you to – guy started to verbally and physically assault you.
          (That’s quite beside the point of the unpleasantness of having someone else upload footage of you online, of course. I’m just speaking to the contents of such a hypothetical video, not its emotional impact on you.)

    2. Stormy*

      What? No! Good grief, there is being helpful and then there is allowing yourself to be assaulted. Everyone who chastised you is insane.

    4. Lily Evans*

      What? People were shaming you for not helping someone who assaulted you? Just because someone is disabled doesn’t mean they’re above reproach for gross behavior. If the people who witnessed the situation were so invested in him being helped, they could have stepped in and offered. It’s easy to judge when you’re not the one dealing with the situation firsthand. You offered to help to the best of your ability and he got aggressive toward you, you did nothing wrong by not helping him further.

      1. Thursday Next*

        This, absolutely! “Disabled” doesn’t trump “abusive.” The alcohol confuses lines as well. You’re under no moral obligation to help someone who is behaving badly toward you.

    5. Canadian Natasha*

      Whoa, no way! Those people on the street were free to help if they wanted to (though it sounds like they were more interested in being the jerkface peanut gallery).You were more accomodating than you had to be already and no you don’t have to put up with being assaulted and insulted just because the guy was apparently disabled.

    6. nep*

      That sounds frightening.
      What everyone else said — others have covered it well here. You did nothing wrong.

    7. Myrin*

      I agree with fposte that this sounds like an absolutely no-brainer; in fact, I’ve once been in a situation that, except for two minor details, sounds like it started exactly like what you describe and I literally just said “no, sorry” and hurried on and it’s never occurred to me to feel bad about it. I’m giving serious side-eye to all these people making you question yourself.

      (I’m also giving serious side-eye to that dogma-like “people are supposed to help those in need”. How exactly was that guy “in need” here? Because he was blind and old? I’m sorry, but just because blind and/or old people might need some extra help with some stuff doesn’t mean they are “in need” as that expression is commonly used. Or is it because he was searching for something? I gotta say, with that “something” being a liquor store, that need goes out the window real fast – the guy wasn’t bleeding out and trying to trudge himself to the nearest doctor or something. Hold your horses, weirdly judgmental other people!)

      1. Pollygrammer*

        My only “help” might have been calling the police. There’s a disabled man on the street who is drunk and belligerent, you should probably come help him. I doubt he would have appreciated it.

    8. Forking Great Username*

      There’s an article/story I read about this that I thought did a great job of delving into this phenomenon where women often feel pressured to be polite and well mannered above all else, even if it means putting themselves or keeping themselves in a dangerous situation. It’s by Debra Davis, called Betrayed by the Angel. It’s a good read, but an upsetting one. And I wish I could force all of the jerks who confronted you to read it.

    9. Nacho*

      Fuck that guy. You would have had every right to push him right back. He lost all right to help when he grabbed your arm, if he ever had any to begin with.

    10. Pollygrammer*

      Fuck that guy, and fuck the people who criticized you for not staying in that really awful situation. I would worry about someone’s judgment who stayed to help someone using profanity and violence against them.

      I hope he never finds his way to a liquor store again.

    11. Casuan*

      For all the reasons already give, you did not do anything wrong.
      This really escalated when the man grabbed you & said that you were going to take him to where he wanted to go. Major red flags to his behaviour.

      If anything, you could have offered to call the police station for someone to come & help him (*not* 911), which might have gotten him to back off. That said, I don’t even think that was warranted & it’s easy for me to be armchair-suggesting it. Probably I wouldn’t have thought of it in the moment.
      Those who were on the street judging you were in the wrong by not stepping in to help you or to help him.

      I’m sorry you had to deal with that & with the idiots who are saying that you were in the wrong here.

    12. Courageous cat*

      Not at all, and personally I feel like (particularly in a city setting, and particularly as a woman) you don’t owe anyone on the street a single word of response when they talk to you. There was a comment, maybe on Reddit, I read once that said something along the lines of “If you and I have never met and we’re two strangers in public, there is virtually no reason at all, ever, for you to talk to me. This is not how we are going to meet.”

      Do not feel guilty for upholding that. Don’t feel guilty for protecting yourself. People, especially men, who violate others’s space by persistently asking questions are the ones who are at fault for not realizing how intimidating and unpleasant that situation is. If he needs help, there are people in public places such as gas stations, other stores, authorities, etc he can ask.

      My only advice would be to do even less in the future. Give a short answer while continuing to walk on. Unless it’s an emergency then you aren’t obligated to help someone on the street no matter what.

    13. Temperance*

      Um, I think that all of those people who witnessed him assaulting you, calling you names, and didn’t intervene but also did not help him are jerks, too. If someone did take a video of the encounter, what they would have seen is a man using his age and disability status as an excuse to assault a woman.

    14. going anon for this one*

      Thanks for all your responses.

      Reading them has made me realize that as a woman I often do feel like I need to stop and give my full attention to someone who talks to me, regardless of how uncomfortable they make me. I think the responses I got from acquaintances threw me off at first, but looking more deeply at it, some of them are very much the type invested in callout culture or who think bad behavior can be excused if someone is part of a marginalized group.

      I’m still slightly rattled by the experience, but I’m feeling better knowing that I wasn’t wrong in thinking I wasn’t further obligated to help that man.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Let me raise you one more, people who tell you that you should help a person who has already proven themselves to be physically abusive, need to have their heads examined.
        Tell these “people” that if they get pushed to the ground and still want to help the violent person that is their choice, not yours.

        Unfortunately, this story has two lessons. One lesson is in the aftermath you have learned a lot about the people who thought it was okay to say this to you. I would distance myself from such people, just my opinion.

      2. Kuododi*

        DH spent 2.5 years in West Africa with Peace Corps before we met. It was apparently a routine problem dealing with panhandlers, bandits and assorted devious characters. He quickly learned if he wanted to maintain health, safety, the contents of his wallet and anything else he valued, he needed to walk away quickly and answer any questions with a firm”no”. Needless to say when we got together, it was a lesson he gave to me promptly. You are only responsible for yourself and anyone who tries to shame you for sticking around to be abused is an absolute nitwit!!!

    15. Rogue*

      You were absolutely not in the wrong! You TRIED to help the man. He obviously didn’t want too much help or he wouldn’t have acted the way he did – drunk or not.

    16. Elizabeth West*

      OMG NO
      You didn’t do anything wrong! The guy was wasted and ASSAULTED you. You didn’t have to fricking help him.

      And for God’s sake, if he’s an adult who has been blind for any length of time, he knows how to get around by himself. One of my friends from meditation group is blind and she has no trouble doing it whatsoever. She knows where everything is and all the bus drivers know her, so she is FINE. I drive her to coffee when we’re both going, and home after, because it’s convenient. And I don’t mind picking her up when the weather is really awful. But I would do that for any friend who didn’t drive.

      At most, you could have called 911 and told them he was drunk off his ass and might need assistance. But you were under no obligation to do a damn thing, especially after he put his hands on you.

    17. Dan*

      Hm? The guy lost any right to a civility claim when he called you the “c” word.

      This reminds me of a somewhat similar situation I encountered a couple of years ago. I had a layover of several hours scheduled at the Miami airport. My intent was to leave the airport and see a little bit of the city, and grab some Cuban food.

      I took public transportation to the stop nearest the restaurant I wanted to go to. As I was walking to the restaurant, some guy shouts to me, “Hey! Do you know when the 22 bus comes?”

      “No!” I shout back to him. (True statement.)

      He then yells, “Thanks for helping me out!” I helped you out fool. I answered your question. What the hell else did he want from me? As a matter of personal safety, I make a point of *not* telling people I’m a tourist and therefore an easy target. The fact I’m from out of state and have no knowledge of local transit isn’t something he needs to know at the moment. All he needs to know is that I don’t know when the 22 bus comes.

    18. First time buyer*

      What?!?!?

      Erm no you shouldn’t have stayed to help the guy, he was way out of line and you shouldn’t feel at all bad for what happened.

    19. Lissa*

      I am so boggled by the fact that both everyone around you AND all your friends you told about this think that you were in the wrong!?! What even? I am with the rest of the AAM commenters but like…what even when it comes to everyone else? I mean, I could see how maybe the people who were around misread the situation somehow, but your friends you told about it all thinking you should have….done WHAT to help the guy exactly? Chased after, apologizing and supplicating, to a man who had shoved and sworn at you? Why are *you* the one obligated to “help” and not the people nearby on the street?

      I admit I am a terrible person who skews on the side of “not helping” more than most, but even a nice person would feel this situation did not in any way fall on you. Seriously. Boggled.

    20. Ktelzbeth*

      You didn’t do anything wrong. You tried your best to help and the helpee yelled at you, insulted you, and assaulted you. As far as I’m concerned, that he was disabled has nothing to do with it. Able bodied people should not assume disabled people need help before being asked. It takes away their agency. All people have an obligation to help those in need*, regardless of whether the helper, helpee, both, or neither is/are disabled. I work with a number of disabled people and I know some of them (and suspect far more) would like their disability to be completely ignored when it comes to figuring out social interactions. Physical accommodations, of course, are a different story.

      I keep rereading what I wrote and thinking it sounds harsh about disability or interpersonal interactions. I think I’m going to leave it, but try to sum up by saying that all people should be treated as people, regardless of their condition.

      *To the extent that they can safely and reasonably do so. This is very squishy.

    21. LilySparrow*

      How is taking an obviously drunk and belligerent person to a liquor store “helping?”

      If he’s able enough to grab you unawares and nearly put you on the ground, he doesn’t need your help.

      He does sound like he needs help in the larger sense, but that doesn’t mean you’re the one to provide it. I suppose if you were feeling heroic, you could offer to call someone for him. Probably the best thing you could do is call the Non-Emergency police number and let them know an elderly disabled man is wandering around disoriented, and probably needs to be taken home.

      I find it interesting that apparently these “witnesses” were so busy telling you what you should do, it seems like they didn’t want to go help him themselves?

    22. Observer*

      I just want to highlight one thing: You need new friends. Anyone who tells you that you did wrong in this situation is not someone you can really trust.

  68. The RO-Cat*

    Mindfulness update: so, I got my little non-profit up and running (on fumes right now; I use my own money because I haven’t got to the donation bit yet). I’ve had some (seemingly) fruitful talks and, with a little luck, I’ll be facilitating my very first MBSR-like sessions this spring (more of an intro to stress reduction and mindfulness, tbh, than a full-fledged MBSR-like program. That will come in time). I’m thrilled and scared of the response, though; many people were genuinely like “OMG, where have you been??”, but “mindfulness” and “meditation” are polarizing and… I don’t know… offputting for the very people who might benefit from them. So I’m not using any of these words and simply go with “traditional techniques, backed by research”. I’m bracing for the impact, though.

    1. Reba*

      How exciting! Congratulations RO-Cat! I know you’ve posted often here about what a difference mindfulness has made in your life. I think it’s wonderful that you’re taking serious steps to share that with others.

  69. Helpful*

    I am in a Souper Bowl contest tomorrow. I am submitting the classic Rotel + Velveeta + hot breakfast sausage “queso dip” to pass as a soup. Spoons are Fritos Scoops. I hope I win.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      YOU WIN YES YOU DO.

      This is the time of year where some of my friends decide I might be insane. I love different foods, I love to cook, my diet is almost entirely vegetable-based, I seek out things that are light and refined. Yet I freaking LOVE things like Velveeta and Lipton Onion Dip and beer cheese soup and spinach artichoke whatever and the thickest of chilis and clam chowders… please report back on the menu of this contest, just for me, OK?

    3. Merci Dee*

      You can also substitute cream cheese for the Velveeta. That makes a wonderful dip when you let it simmer enough to thicken up. Though I always use the mild Rotel tomatoes and mild sausage to make mine.

  70. Can't Sit Still*

    My obnoxious neighbor 10 apartments down has opened his windows and is blasting his stereo because the apartment manager has left for the afternoon. People yell at him to turn it down and he yells back “What? I can’t hear you!” It’s a rent-controlled complex, so we’re stuck with him. Unless the apartment manager catches him at it, I guess. But he’s on the second floor and keeps on eye on the parking lot, so…yeah, he definitely knows the music’s too loud. I hate it because he makes it impossible to be outside on the patio, by the pool or just keep windows open when it’s warm.

    1. anon24*

      Can you make a noise complaint to the police so there’s record of it? In my lease it specifically says having the police called multiple times to your address can get you evicted.

    2. LCL*

      You could find the meter room and take the law into your own hands, if there is a meter disconnect switch…

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Take your cell phone out there and video/record it. I dunno. Post it to FB or whatever.

    4. Reba*

      Does the manager not care? Do they not believe you?

      I’d consider leaving the manager a voicemail each hour that this is going on.

      Ugh, sorry that’s happening.

    5. Parenthetically*

      Yeah, I’d go a combo of all of the above. Call the police and file a noise complaint, and encourage your other neighbors to do the same, make a recording, and call your apartment manager hourly, letting him know you’ve called the police and made recordings. Your a-hole neighbor is being a nuisance, and I promise the cops don’t take kindly to having their time wasted by a bonehead who won’t turn his stereo down and makes ten of his neighbors call them every day to get him to shut up.

  71. Stephanie*

    I may need to get a new car this summer. I like small-to-midsized hatchbacks. I have a VW Golf now, which was great until recently–started getting a lot of weird minor electrical issues (not a huge deal) and some engine issues that may cost more than the value of the car to fix. Any recommendations? I like the Honda Fit. My friends seem to be big fans of their Suburus.

    (If it’s still made in a manual transmission, that’s an added plus.)

    1. Red Reader*

      I’ve had several Hondas and loved every one of them. (A couple years ago I was debating between an Insight and a Fit, and the only reason the Insight won out was that I was expecting to end up with an hour-long highway commute and the Insight was a hybrid – then I ended up working from home and trading in the Insight for a CR-V because I have a family of four and 110 pounds worth of doggo.) Hondas are fairly easy to maintain, fairly easy for non-dealerships to work on and get parts for and whatnot, and if you take halfway decent care of them (or even if you don’t, the first one I had, I was TERRIBLE to and she was still chugging along great at 180,000 miles until my ex totaled her in an accident) they’ll last for dang ever. And I am pretty sure they’re still available in manual :)

      If you want to get a little more obscure, my housemate has a Fiat 500 and loves it, and I drove a Smart for 6 years (including moving from Seattle to Indiana in it) and loved it. I keep occasionally pondering getting another one for longer solo drives, but it’s probably too late now, I’m in my last semester of commuting 1.5 hours to grad school weekly, plus they’re slowly closing down all the Smart dealerships in the US and while Mercedes dealership mechanics can work on them NOW, that’s probably not going to continue to be the case for too much longer. However, you should be able to find either of those two options fairly inexpensively, and if nothing else, they’re at least worth a test drive :)

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I don’t think you’ll go wrong with the Fit. I own a 2007 CR-V and it has been absolutely bulletproof – 11 years and it hasn’t needed anything more than normal maintenance. My family has owned about a dozen Hondas and all but one had flawless reliability. The Fit is really versatile and I hear it is fun to drive – especially if you can find it with the stick shift you prefer. (If you live in the US, where manual transmissions are almost extinct even among cars that offer them, you may need a little luck). Good luck!

    2. Nicole*

      I recently purchased a Subaru Crosstrek which I really like. It’s a lot more affordable than I initially realized. You can get it in a manual too!

    3. BRR*

      My husband and I both have the Mazda 3 hatchback and love it. I’m 6”3 and this is the first car I’ve owned where I don’t need to push the seat all the way back. Plus the trunk is decent sized. Holds my 60 lbs dog.

    4. Hot Hatch*

      I am a hot hatch enthusiast! I currently have a Chevy Sonic Premier, and really like it. It comes in manual. Before that I drove an R56 Cooper S, but she was murdered by a deer. I loved her so.

      I test drove a lot of hatches before I bought last year. The Fords were uncomfortable, the Subarus were way too large, and the Honda felt kinda clunky and unresponsive. If money were no object I would have replaced the MINI with a JCW edition, but I’m not Midas, so the Sonic won.

    5. KayEss*

      I have a Honda Fit and don’t have any complaints… I think it’s an ’09? It doesn’t do superbly in the snow here in midwest-land, but that’s pretty much true of all non-4WD cars of that size. I chose it because it has very good reliability ratings. And because it comes in orange.

      Mine is also a “Sport” variant, which has the weird feature of an automatic transmission that can also be driven as a manual using a paddle-shift setup. Not something I ever use personally (I didn’t seek out that model, it was just what was available on the pre-owned lot when I needed a car) as I don’t know how to drive a manual, so I can’t comment on its feel or effectiveness.

      1. anon24*

        I believe you can also get the Civic in a hatchback, and you may be able to get it in manual. I love my Civic, 18 years old, 225k miles, and is a tank in the snow if you understand how to drive it (different driving style in bad conditions than an AWD but I actually prefer it). When I get a new car it will be another Civic without doubt.

        Just be aware that some Honda’s are now made in Mexico. I’ve heard that those have a lot of problems, the American or Japanese made ones are much more reliable. If you are looking at a car, Google the first digit of the VIN and it will tell you where it was made.

    6. Minta*

      Check out the Mazda CX3 (different from the 3).

      I love mine and had considered a Golf before going with the CX3.

      Great shape. Fun to drive.

      Unsure about the manual thing though.

    7. Natalie*

      I don’t have a Fit specifically but I love the small Honda Accord I do have. It’s tough (12 years old and kicking butt) and cheap to repair. VWs are sort of notorious for weird, expensive electrical problems.

    8. Emily*

      I like my 2007 Honda Fit (manual transmission, although I don’t think that 2017/2018 models are available in manual), but I don’t have many other cars to compare it to!

      1. Stephanie*

        Just looked it up–apparently they still are! I sense I may have to hunt around for one. I learned to drive on one and my last two cars have been manuals, so I think it’s just what I’m used to at this point.

        1. Emily*

          Oh, glad to hear I was mistaken! I didn’t learn to drive on a manual, but now that I have one and am used to it, I think I’ll be a little sad to go back to automatic. (The only downside: I wasn’t able to drive it for a few weeks after knee surgery – you really need all four limbs.)

          1. Someone else*

            The 2018 does come in manual transmission, although I believe not in all trim levels. I think the highest trim is CVT-only.

    9. Trixie*

      I bought my used Hyundai Elantra GT a couple weeks ago and LOVE IT. I was looking at one Impreza in my area but end up preferring how the GT handled/looked and more affordable price point. I also looked at Mazda 3 but the back seats were nice/more space than I needed. With the GT, the rear seats are fine but even better lay completely flat if needed. Perfect for stowing a full road bike which was my goal.
      I also think 30-40% of the GTs I looked at were manual. I was tempted but between city driving and considering resale value, I opted for automatic.
      I bought mine certified through local dealer an hour away but also found a 2017 model through Enterprise Car Sales that was a serious contender for same price. Between endless car reviews and advice from my mechanics, Hyundai was a strong contender.

    10. Starryemma*

      I have a Subaru outback. It’s a bit larger than I’m used to (got it last year after many years with a Civic). I love the all wheel drive, and mine has a kinda self driving feature (adaptive cruise control, called Eyesight). If I was going smaller, I’d get a Subaru impreza. The 5 door is really cute and sporty!

    11. Dan*

      Have you looked into Ford vehicles? I heard they come highly recommended. You might be able to swing a good discount under the right circumstances.

    12. LAM*

      I had a Honda Civic that was still going strong at 154000, with only minor maintenance (oil changes and a new starter at over 100,000 miles). We we’re prepared to put maybe $1,000 of work into it, knowing we could probably get another 75k-100k worth of miles out of it. Unfortunately an accident has recently deemed it a total loss… But if I could replace it for the same make/model, I totally would.

      Even in the heavy snow, I’d take side roads and pop it into a lower gear and be riding fine.

      So my vote would be for the Honda.

    13. hermit crab*

      My parents own a circa-2004 Fit, which they got when it no longer made sense to keep my dad’s old-school manual Civic hatchback (it was still running fine at 200,000+ miles but got hit by a deer; the deer walked away from the crash and the poor Civic didn’t). It’s pretty zippy and gets fabulous mileage and feels way bigger inside than it looks from the outside. It has apparently had some weird minor issues over the years, e.g. the headlights randomly stopped working at least once. But (speaking as a short person who likes small vehicles) I love it and find it super fun to drive. And the fact that it’s so short makes me feel like a star at parallel parking, LOL.

      On the other hand, I will also say that the safety features of a Subaru Impreza absolutely saved my life a few years ago in a serious crash. I’m not sure I’d be able to say the same of the Fit.

    15. Kuododi*

      Just to throw another wrench in the planning….have you considered KIA products? DH and I have owned them for quite sometime and have been very pleased. Safety, durability are all excellent…pretty much as long as you keep up on routine care and maintenance…those things are absolute workhorses!!! I have had my Sportage since 08 and been very happy. Good Luck.

  72. Nicole*

    I have a frustrating issue with acid reflux and could use some advice.

    In November I had an upper endoscopy done and my esophagus was irritated, so my doctor prescribed a proton pump inhibitor (Protonix) to allow my throat to heal. I’ve taken it daily since (so just over two months) but stopped the other day when I noticed what felt like my kidneys swelling. I’m a bit familiar with that pain from five years ago when I had a kidney stone.

    I’ve since learned that PPIs have been known to cause kidney issues which is concerning since I was on Nexium for many years (far too long) well over a decade ago. Since then I’ve also taken AcipHhex until upping the dose was actually making the reflux worse (I would wake up from an attack). I started taking a probiotic seven years ago and got off the pills. That seemed to be working – an upper endoscopy at the time confirmed that my throat was fine. Now it isn’t so I need to figure something else out.

    I certainly don’t want to mess up my kidneys but I also need something to help stop the damage to my throat or it could develop into cancer down the road. Anyone have any experience in safer remedies that work? I asked my doctor about it after the procedure and she said nothing is proven except the prescription meds. My primary care said you can usually do six weeks of the medication and it will be long enough for your esophagus to heal, but how long does that really last? I took an 8 week course of the generic Nexium last May or so and in November my throat was irritated already. I also experience a lot of burping, with and without the medication, but more so without. I have a hiatal hernia which doesn’t help matters.

    I make sure I don’t eat within hours of going to sleep and I use a wedge pillow. The problem is other than the burping, which more often than not is not acidic, it doesn’t feel like I have an acid issue like I did seven years ago, but apparently you can still incur damage without noticing which is pretty scary. I need to find something that will work but won’t cause kidney damage.

    1. Stormy*

      I used aciphex for over a year, but eventually weaned off with diet change. I notice your post doesn’t mention anything about what you eat. Have you addressed that angle? I was required to keep a food diary during the diagnostic/testing phase to figure out my triggers.

      1. Nicole*

        It’s crazy how none of the doctors ever mentioned diet, but I have been thinking about that angle as well. What did you learn were your triggers? I really love chocolate but have tried cutting down, especially in the evenings. I don’t eat a lot of fried foods, but I do like spicy and dairy which I think can be issues. There’s so much to consider!

        1. Stormy*

          My worst trigger is carbonation, so I avoid soda, sparkling water, beer, champagne, etc. Secondary problems are greasy/fried foods and spice.

          I’d suggest the food diary to start, even though I know it’s a boring drag. Paying attention to patterns really helped me learn, for example, that if Mr. Stormy brings home a pizza, I can have one slice as long as I blot the grease first and drink tea instead of soda. It was gobbling down three slices while chugging two cans of Coke that was making me feel like I wanted to die.

          I also learned that body pH is genetic, and I tend towards acidity. I complained to my optometrist that I was having pain with long-wear contacts, and after some communication with my GI specialist we realized that my eyes were eating away at the lenses. I changed to daily wear lenses, and felt much better. (I switched to glasses a few years ago due to my job, but it’s still good to know in case I want to wear lenses again.)

          1. Nicole*

            I avoid carbonated drinks (and pretty much every other kind of drink except water) 95% of the time so I’m good on that front. I will look into the food diary as that’s a good idea. The only problem is I think I’m having acid even when I can’t feel it. So that worries me.

            It’s interesting you mention the contact lenses, because I’ve had such difficulty wearing mine in the past year that I’ve been wearing my glasses almost exclusively. I miss contacts, but my eyes get so dry they are uncomfortable without a few hours. I was wearing monthly disposables and this would happen even with a new pair, so I’m not sure if it’s the same issue you were having, but it’s something to think about before my next eye exam. Which daily lenses do you use?

            1. Stormy*

              I have a script for Acuvue Oasys, and they are comfortable enough that I tolerate the twitching that spelling causes. :p

            2. Observer*

              Pay attention to the burping. If you burp avoid the food that triggered that. Because that’s an indicator that stuff is backing up that shouldn’t, and that’s part of the problem.

        2. fposte*

          It breaks my heart to say it, but I really think you have to try going without chocolate for a while and not just cutting down. It’s strongly associated with reflux. PPIs are tricky long-term even for people who aren’t having kidney problems, and you are; I think you have to attack this from a different direction. (You haven’t mentioned coffee or tea–I’d let go of those as well for a while too if you drink them.) When it’s a response to an irritant, lessening the irritant isn’t necessarily going to be enough to stop the response; think “I broke my leg so I stopped pogoing and started waltzing; why does it still hurt?”

          Might also be worth looking at your eating habits during the day; if you tend to graze, maybe break it up to give yourself a full two hours without anything in your stomach.

          1. Nicole*

            But but but … I love my (dark) chocolate! I have so much of it too because it’s my favorite sugary snack. You should see how many bags of Bark Thins I have in the house even though I’ve restricted myself to less than I used to eat. This is really going to suck …

            1. fposte*

              It doesn’t necessarily mean forever, but I think you’ve got to try it–give it at least 4 weeks to see how it goes, too, not just a day or so. (I’m surprised no doctor has talked to you about diet at all, too.) Chocolate is super-irritating on a bunch of different levels.

              Sorry; I know it sucks. But so does esophageal cancer.

              2. Observer*

                You need about 6 weeks to heal if it’s at this point.

                But then you can CAREFULLY add back SOME stuff. I hear you on the chocolate. It’s HARD. But, fposte is right – less so than cancer (and even the pain that reflux can cause.)

        3. HiHiHi*

          +1 on the diet triggers…I’ve been lucky enough so far to not have any issues so far, but my husband had really severe bouts of acid reflux over the last year or so that are just starting to really go away. For trying to figure out triggers, we had a couple weeks with really basic foods-oatmeal, plain rice, plain baked chicken, that type of thing, that we knew wouldn’t cause any problems, and then slowly introduced things one at a time to see if any of them caused a reaction. We found oil-heavy, acidic, and caffeinated foods to be the big ones, as well as baking-type spices (i.e. cinnamon, nutmeg). But he can eat stuff like red peppers with absolutely zero problem-so it’s definitely different for each person! The other thing I would recommend, is if you eat any nut butters but especially peanut butter, is to cut that out of your diet for a few weeks. He had no allergies and ate peanut butter pretty regularly, and even the nothing-added kind was causing severe reflux. Hope this helps-good luck!

          1. Nicole*

            Yes! Peanut butter is definitely a trigger of mine. I’ve noticed this before I even started thinking about changing my diet so I don’t have it very often.

    3. Southernbelle*

      With the caveat that I am not your doctor – I recently read an article that mentioned all the PPI issues you cite (and others!) and recommended trialing H1 blockers instead (famotidine, ranitidine). So maybe ask the doctor about that? They generally have a better safety profile than PPIs.

    4. BatteryB*

      I have a similar genetic condition. I have to avoid tomatoes, red meat, caffeine, and raw vegetables.

    5. copy run start*

      I was on Prilosec for years until I had kidney issues. Dietary changes helped me, but not enough. All food, even the blandest crap imaginable, irritates me apparently! My doctor has me taking Sucralfate — it basically just coats your esophagus and stomach to protect it. It’s a pain in the butt (can’t take it with food in your stomach and you have to wait an hour to eat after taking it) but it’s really improved my life. I don’t take it as often as I should because of those rules (sometimes it’s just not possible) but I know what I can get away with and the pain is curable with a normal dose of OTC antacids.

      1. Nicole*

        I’ve heard of that and will ask about it too because even with diet changes and medications I still have a hiatal hernia which allows acid to get into my esophagus and can cause damage. Your stomach needs acid for digestion so those other things will never entirely eliminate the structural problem.

    6. Sarah G*

      It is insane that none of your doctors ever mentioned diet, which can exacerbate or help heal oh-so-many ailments, but especially a digestive issue!
      With your doctor’s blessing, try some high quality probiotics. Also, find a good nutritionist who is not based exclusively in western medicine — someone with a holistic approach. I have a family member who is a nutritionist and has changed people’s lives, people who were in situations not dissimilar to your own. An initial consult should not be expensive, and you shouldn’t have to buy a ton of pricey supplements, although some good probiotics would be a place to start.
      With the disclaimer that I am not a medical professional, but the added experience of being a human who has learned the hard way that food helps and hurts more than I’d ever imagined, I bet you can mitigate your symptoms through diet more than you could ever imagine.

    7. Observer*

      My husband has severe reflux. The main thing that helped him was changing his diet. Mostly, cutting out anything with even a medium acid level, anything high fat, caffeine and anything carbonated. He’s had so much damage, that he needs to be REALLY careful, but if he is, it really, really helps.

      There are some other foods that seem to trigger him – you need to pay attention to what you eat once you get the major items out of the way. If he’s careful, he rarely has problems – and Tums or similar antacids actually wind up working better that the PPI medications.

      Read Dropping Acid by Jaime Fox (either the original version or the updated version.)

    8. StevieIsWondering*

      Sorry that you’re experiencing this pain. It sucks. I also have a hiatal hernia and GERD. I support science-based/evidence-based approaches, but medical knowledge evolves and there are huge knowledge gaps. I was on PPIs for almost a decade. My acid reflux had been pretty steady, but then three years it worsened really quickly (stress). Instead of upping my dosage, I dug into the research and learned that where the science stands, it is unclear if acid reflux results because there is too much acid or not enough acid in the stomach. I decided to quit the PPI and go for an experimental approach instead – and IT WORKED! Now I only have issues if I eat food that is too spicy or has too many tomatoes. For 4-6 weeks, I drank 1-2 caps full (1-2 teaspoons) of raw, unfiltered apple cider vinegar diluted in a mug of warm water with a spoonful of honey before breakfast (before my morning coffee even). The first few days hurt. But then it got better, and then it went away. Good luck!

      1. Nicole*

        I’ve been hearing the same thing, but at the mere suggestion that perhaps I don’t have enough stomach acid, I’m quickly shot down by doctors. They don’t even entertain the possibility which is frustrating. Also, I don’t think they’ve ever tested the pH level of my stomach acid even though I’ve read that many doctors will when doing an endoscopy.

  73. Ask a Manager* Post author

    I am spending part of this weekend doing something that’s been requested for a quite a while: planning for a podcast. I’ve been offered some professional help with that parts that felt the most onerous to me, so this is actually moving forward (apparently that was the key all along). Questions for you:

    1. Apparently short-form podcasting is now becoming a thing — like 12-minute episodes instead of 45- or 60-minute episodes. That’s obviously way easier to commit to on my end. People who want an AAM podcast, would you listen to short 12-minute episodes or do you strongly prefer something more substantial?

    2. For content, I’m thinking four things:
    – Q&A like the blog, but with the letter writer on the show that we can have back and forth about the advice
    – Occasional guests who will help answer questions (with or without the letter writer on the show)
    – Occasionally bringing on a past letter writer from the website, and talking about how things worked out for them, what was helpful about the advice, what wasn’t (sort of like our existing updates, but with conversation)
    – At least one episode on tone — I’m often frustrated here that I can’t convey what your tone should sound like when you’re using the language I suggest, so an episode where I talk through “here’s what it actually sounds like”

    How does that content sound to you? Are there other things you’d want?

    2. Kathenus*

      I think this all looks great – I’d definitely be interested and for me the short-form would be easier as well. Your last content topic – tone – is really interesting. Maybe each podcast you could address this in a short snippet – mentioning that it’s hard to convey tone and here’s one example from a recent letter of what tone you’d use for certain advice? That way it’s a running part of the program each podcast versus a standalone that only some people might catch?

      Hoping this becomes a reality!

    3. Stormy*

      I’m more inclined to listen/watch something shorter because I hate being interrupted and having to pause. If given the choice between three ten-minute podcasts or one half-hour podcast, I’d rather have three. It just appeals more to my sense of online time management to consume an entire video/audio snippet at once.

      Love the tone idea, please run with this. Jumping off that, also having guests of varying gender/tone quality/accent would be excellent as well.

    5. My Anonymous Alter Ego*

      Short-form, 20 mins max. Longer special editions would be okay.
      The straight Q&A doesn’t appeal to me, althought the review does, especially if there are updates to the original letter.
      Special guests, yes.
      Tone, yes. Parallel to tone, perhaps role-plays?
      Alison, I’d also be interested to hear your process: what you think when you first read a letter, if you put it aside to process it, what you think when you can read the comments, the times when you might change your advice… if you did a Q&A & included process, I’d be more interested than a straight Q&A.
      Resources are always good topics for me, as in where to find certain information, Now that I think of it, that might be better suited to print than in a podcast.

    6. Amey*

      These all sound like great ideas for content. I’d personally prefer something that was at least 30-40 rather than just 15 minutes – I like to have a whole podcast to listen to while I’m eating lunch or doing chores and I prefer to have something that I can just listen to rather than having to queue up lots of different short things or stop what I’m doing to find something new. But that may just be me! What about say weekly short podcasts and a monthly long one?

    7. Colleen*

      I like the idea of smaller podcasts — less commitment. Maybe a quick listen at work.
      AND I love all the ideas for the content, especially having the OP on to do a back and forth.

      Looking forward to it.

    8. oranges & lemons*

      I usually prefer longer podcasts–usually the shortest ones I listen to are 20-30 minutes. But I would listen to an AAM podcast of any length. The content ideas all sound good to me, although I’d also be interested in some that are more of a discussion on a theme, or a podcast version of the interviews with people who have interesting jobs.

    9. Canadian Natasha*

      That sounds awesome and the shorter time would be great. I don’t necessarily have the time to listen for 45 min but 15 would be doable even on my coffee break. :)
      And the topic ideas are also thumbs up!

    10. Red*

      I would LOVE a 12-minute podcast! I moved so my commute to work is too short for a full length podcast, and this would be perfect. Your ideas for content are fantastic, especially the last one. I wish you the best of luck :) Not like you need it, anyway – if you can create a forum this perfect, you can do anything.

    11. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Honestly, I won’t listen. I don’t do audio on the internet. That’s just me, I know others like it.

      2. I need that in writing*

        Me neither. :/

        I have auditory processing issues that make it almost impossible to follow audio-only content. It’s really anxiety-inducing. Alison, would you consider providing a transcript of the podcast for those whose disabilities make the format inaccessible? I might be able to listen for the parts that really require audio (e.g. the “tone” discussion) if there was accompanying text.

    12. Sarah G*

      My vote is for 30-45 min podcasts — not too short and not too long. :) Love your ideas, and bringing on guests sounds awesome. You should try to get Dan Savage for a sex-related question theme.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Yes! This! I’d love to see you and Dan Savage answering questions together!

        Although, he might be “big” enough that it’d be hard to get him on your podcast. But, I know he frequently deals with sex/relationship questions that cross over into work territory, and I bet he’d love to get you on HIS podcast. And that would be a great way to get exposure for your podcast, because I’m under the impression that he has a pretty strong podcast following.

    13. Ramona Flowers*

      Shorter – or if it’s longer maybe divide it into chapters. Also please please post a transcript for people with hearing impairments or difficulty with audio processing.

        2. Ramona Flowers*

          For me I just can’t listen without subtitles or a transcript at the best of times but especially on my commute which is when I’d have time to listen. (The entire reason we don’t have Sky is their lack of subtitles.)

          1. Jules the First*

            Happy to volunteer to transcribe for Alison if that makes it possible to have transcription where a professional service would be cost prohibitive (and fairly sure I’m not the only reader with transcription experience?)

      2. I need that in writing*

        Ah, I should have read down before commenting. I just made the transcription request above.

    14. Natalie*

      Short form sounds fine to me, anything up to 30 minutes would count IMO.

      Explaining tone is exactly where a podcast would be helpful. Perhaps you could contrast different tones to really illustrate what you mean?

    15. Anonymous Educator*

      Both #1 and #2 sound good to me! I will say that if you can’t coordinate having the letter writer actually call/Skype with you, you can also do the Dan Savage and have them just leave you voicemails and then you play the voicemail and then say what your response is (sometimes he calls them back and then has a conversation).

    16. JamieS*

      I’m happy with short or long but for the ones with letter writer guests I think longer would be better. Like 20ish minutes not necessarily an hour long podcast. I’m just not sure you’d be able to have a robust back and forth conversation in 10-12 minutes.

        1. JamieS*

          I think it depends. If it’s a LW update one where the LW is doing most of the talking or ones where there’s a theme where one person does most of the talking (like the tone idea) then 10-12 minutes is fine.

          Ones where LW is telling Alison a problem, Alison answers, and they have a conversation about it (either before or after Alison answers) I don’t think 10-12 minutes will be enough time more often than not. Depending on the question 10 minutes could be eaten up just with asking the question and Alison giving her answer never mind any conversation about it.

    17. Book Lover*

      I like to listen to longer podcasts, but it doesn’t matter to me in terms of would I listen to it or not.

      I’m not particularly interested in guests answering questions along with you unless they have a specific area of expertise (i.e. in international issues or HR or whatever) and we’re focusing on that.

      Everything else sounds wonderful and of course I would subscribe immediately :)

    18. Lulubell*

      I LOVE podcasts, and listen to them every day on my commute to/from work. However I only listen to podcasts that are at minimum 30 minutes, and much prefer podcasts that are 45-60 minutes, if not longer. My commute is usually about 45 minutes, and I don’t like having to try to change/find a second podcast while I’m driving. Also, the reason I love podcasts is that they are such a good platform for deep interviews and storytelling; You just can’t get that deep or nuanced in less than 3o minutes in my opinion. Even the Oprah Super Soul podcast, they are 30 minutes (maybe less w commercials) and I love love love the interview subjects but find the content too glossed over – I wish she would air a full hour. I have no doubt she has the footage!

    19. Cheshire Cat*

      Oh, I love the Tone part!

      What about having some of the “what it’s like to be a ____” interviews?

      I agree that shorter is the way to go. If you want to cover something in more detail, you could always break it up into a 3 or 4 part series.

    21. Dan*

      I started getting into podcasts in the last year or so. Can’t remember why, but hey.

      1) My preferred/tolerated podcast length is about 30-45 minutes. The problem with really short frequent ones — and in particular, those that are “timely” — is that I use the queuing function on my podcast app and my commute isn’t all that long. So if I’m in the middle of a really long podcast, it can be a few days before I get to the end of it. As an aside, I listen to the Pod Save America guys, and the 1+ hour podcast twice a week is just too long. I won’t add more at that length.

      But if you’re asking if I want 2-3 10-15 minute podcasts vs 1 45 minute podcast each week, I really don’t care.

      2) Format… My preference is that you have more than one voice in your podcast. Unless you are a really, really good narrator (I’ve found at least one) I find the same voice to be very monotonous and it turns me off.

      Otherwise, a mix of formats is proabably good.

    22. Cyclatrol*

      Just MHO:

      – 12m shorts would be easier for you – can you really be lively and interesting for 30m+ in every episode, on a regular basis?

      – I personally find it easier to absorb knowledge in small chunks.

      – Does it have to be 12m? While I’d prefer shorter eps – sometimes the topic will require as much time as it needs. Can eps run (say) 12m – 20m, depending?

      – Role-playing is your friend if you want to convey ‘tone’. It could be fun, too – imagine you have a semi-regular group of voice actors – The Not-Ready-For-Real-Acting Players or somesuch – and run through a scenario several times, with outcomes from WIN to FAIL.

    24. SC Anonibrarian*

      Shorter seems like it’s the way to be going just in general. Maybe if you needed something longer it could be a special episode or something.

      My only request, and I know it’s time consuming and fiddly and hard and can be expensive: please please do transcripts. I can’t listen to podcasts regularly, and I have friends and coworkers who can’t listen to them at all for various reasons, most of them disability related. It’s a huge thing for equality of access and information provision to have transcripts available.

    25. AliceBD*

      I don’t have a preference for podcast length — most of the ones I listen to are 45-60 minutes and come out anytime from once a month to once a week, but I would listen to shorter ones as well.

      Content sounds great!

    26. Observer*

      I actually LIKE the idea of short podcasts. For many situations they work better for me.

      I like all of the ideas you mention. The tone idea sounds especially good.

      Also, it might be nice if people could send you their questions by voice rather than typed, and that would be played. I think that sometimes we miss things because we can’t hear the how the questioner is saying it in their heads.

    27. The Person from the Resume*

      12 minutes. I listen to lots of podcasts and although I love them I avoid longer ones or wait to listen because of the longer time investment.

    28. Turanga Leela*

      This all sounds great. I prefer longer podcasts but would absolutely listen to a short one as well.

      My only podcast request: I really encourage you not to script out your podcast word-for-word. I mean, I assume you’ll outline what you are going to say, but I can usually tell when podcast hosts are reading from a script, and it is very distracting.

      I cannot wait to hear your podcast!

    29. Overeducated*

      I like longer podcasts but think short is ok if noy TOO short. 10 minutes is on the lower edge of “enough content to make listening to ads and intro worthwhile.” I am unsubscribing to one podcast that does regular 45 minute episodes and a lot of 2 minute “shorts” because the shorts are cluttering up my phone and never very interesting.

      2. Temperance*

        <3

        I live in Eagles country. Someone actually started not one, but TWO rounds of "Fly Eagles Fly" in the office yesterday, and treated me like a freak for not knowing the words. Um, you're the one singing at a law firm, and I'm the freak?

    3. Dr. KMnO4*

      Congrats! I’m not an Eagles fan particularly, just NOT a Patriots fan. It was a fantastic game with a great ending! That commentary though…

  75. Anon question*

    Not using my regular name to post this. I just need to say this and/or vent. My wife is pregnant and is due at the end of the month. Her company is too small for FMLA. She will have to go back to work after only one month off. In addition to working full time I have been freelancing on the side. But there is no way we can afford for her to be off longer than a month. I have a week off right after the birth but I can’t take any other time. We have cut as much as we can. This is the best we can get.

    My cousin is Canadian. She had a baby at the beginning of December. In Canada where she is now and works they have 18 months of paternal leave. But my cousin went back to work on Monday after only 2 months. Her husband is not taking any leave. Neither of them want to be stay at home parents. Her company tops up what the government pays and they can afford for her to be off the 18 months.

    I know it is my cousin’s choice. She wants to go back to work and it is her and her husband’s call. My wife is mad at them and there was an angry exchange.

    I love my wife and I understand why is feels upset. But I also love my cousin and her husband. I realize it is no one else’s business or decision of what they do with their lives.

    I need outside advice from people who aren’t close to this. How can I support my wife even though she was wrong to yell at and tell off my cousin and her husband? I love both of them and I feel like I’m walking a tightrope

    1. HannahS*

      Do you think it would help to name the feelings at play? Like, “Sweetheart, I know you’re jealous of the opportunities Cousin has. I am too! Too bad we can’t switch places with them.” and “Honey, I know you’re angry. It doesn’t seem fair that Cousin + Cousin’s Husband would be happy in our situation, and that we would be happier in theirs.” That’s supportive without being condemning. It does sound to me like your wife is angry and jealous, and I don’t blame her! Let her be jealous and angry. But if she says stuff like, “I can’t believe Cousin chose to…” or “Ugh, Cousin is so ungrateful for what she has” I think you can gently redirect the conversation to “Well, Cousin gets to choose what she wants to do…it’s too bad we don’t have the opportunities they do. Are you worried about going back to work so soon?” –and then it’s focused on you guys again.

    2. Stellaaaaa*

      Americans lose sight of certain things when they’re distracted by the obvious perks of other countries’ leave laws. Sure, the money and time are wonderful, but I imagine that 18 months away from the office can take a major toll on one’s career. The company welcomes them back into equivalent roles, not the same exact ones. It’s entirely likely that your cousin wants to maintain her relationships with clients or see certain projects through to completion. She might not want to postpone promotions and raises by 16 months. I think your wife is having a “grass is greener” view of this, since there are a million legitimate reasons for a woman to not want to take herself out of the workforce for 18 full months. It’s not just about the money.

      But idk. Your wife had a moment of being unreasonable, and it’s my experience that you can’t really reason with that. She’s stressed out and maybe doesn’t love her job, and she doesn’t like that she doesn’t have a choice regarding leave.

      1. AAM fan*

        I’m Canadian and did the longer maternity leave… And it doesn’t seem to impact careers the way you might reasonably think. Also you go back to the SAME job, not an equivalent one. I think because it’s so normal to have a year or so off when you have a baby. Just in case any Canadians (or people from other companies who get longer leaves) read this comment and get worried. Totally get the frustration of wanting more time off, but it’s not an option, and someone else choosing to not take the option! Best of luck getting through this.

        2. Agnodike*

          I hate to be a downer, but this isn’t true for everyone. It’s very common in some professions to take much less than a year because people who stay home for longer DO miss out on opportunities. Lots of my friends who had babies during residency tailored their leaves to the residency calendar and not to the calendar year. My cousin the lawyer took three months because her firm is an “up or out” environment and she wasn’t a partner yet. My friends in academia worried about competing for tenure-track positions and most came back early.

          Canada gets help up as a kind of socialist paradise sometimes, by the reality is that while we do pretty well for some people in some areas, we have a LONG way to go.

          1. AAM fan*

            Completely agree that Canada is not perfect! And you’re right I’m sure that some people don’t get a full year or could be penalized for taking it. I don’t think that’s the norm, though, as I do a lot of HR type work. Usually the longer mat leave is fine – but yes, I’m sure not always. Also most people take a big financial hit for the year as Employment Insurance pays nowhere near full salary for the year. Some employers top it up, but many don’t.

            1. Agnodike*

              I think it’s really industry-dependent. I see many many fewer women in the professions taking the full year than women working in employee models.

      2. Traveling Teacher*

        Postpartum is such a tough time, no matter your situation…what helped, for me personally, was when my husband just listened to me without trying to answer my frustrations with solutions…after full days of talking with a baby who couldn’t talk back yet, being “heard” was invaluable…

    3. Melissa*

      My gosh, it’s so hard. Is this your first kid? Going back after a month is hard- heartbreaking even- for some women. I was still actively heavily bleeding at 4 weeks with my first.

      I would just move on from this entirely. Perhaps talk to your cousins to smooth things over. I wouldn’t try and address this with your wife at this point. She’s pregnant, exhausted, and terrified about only 4 weeks off. Be very gentle and cut her lots and lots of slack.

      Fwiw what happens if baby is late? My first was 11 days late. Would she have to go back in 3 weeks?

    4. Not So NewReader*

      It’s really hard to watch people walk away from the very thing we want. Tell her this. Let her know that you also wish BOTH of you could be home more with your child. Go into this with her, talk about the parts you both agree on.

      Once the dust settles and it will at some point, just say, “It’s probably not too cool to yell at Cous and Hubs like that.”
      But make sure you do all the front end work of mourning the lack of time and agreeing with the parts you do actually agree with her. Make sure she knows she is first and foremost in your life and in your thinking. This may take days or even weeks to go through this step.

    5. Anon question*

      Thanks everyone. I really do appreciate all the replies. My cousin and her husband aren’t speaking to us right now and I don’t know if this will change in the immediate future or not. I kind of understand why but right now I am just trying to focus on making sure my wife is happy. I do wish she could have more time off or I could make that happen but we are just trying to make the best of what we do have. So far her pregnancy has gone well and both she and the baby are healthy. At any rate I appreciate the kind words.

      The one month off starts right after my wife gives birth. She has not had any problems working. She works in an office and sits in a comfortable chair all day, she is not on her feet and running around or doing any kind of manual labor which is definitely a plus for her. She can stay sitting in her office and rest, she doesn’t need to go anywhere for work. If she goes into labor before the time around her due date it will be covered as emergency medical leave and not count under the months she gets off so we don’t need to worry about the birth time affecting her month off. Knowing she won’t lose time has helped with the stress.

      *I made a typo in my original post. My cousin is returning to work THIS Monday. She hasn’t returned to work yet. Her baby will turn 2 months the same day she returns to work.

      1. Melissa*

        Honestly, I would just text or call the cousins and say “it’s a sensitive time for (wife), thanks for cutting us a bit of slack these days.”

        And if they can’t be bothered to talk to you, address it 3-5 months from now. You have other stuff to deal with!

        1. Natalie*

          YMMV but this would come across a little passive aggressive to me since it sounds like Anon’s wife lashed out at cousin. If you’re going to contact them, I think you have to include an actual apology of some sort.

          1. Lissa*

            I have to agree. If someone yelled at me for not wanting to stay home with my kid, even understanding that it’s a jealousy thing, that would be REALLY hard for me to get past. Consider that working mothers vs. stay at home mothers is so very very fraught, it could really easily feel like a huge amount of judgment because cousin would like to be at work. Especially if most of the ire was directed at cousin, not her husband. (not saying it was but if so it would feel pretty sexist on top of it and again….realizing it’s an irrational reaction would not stop my own emotional reaction.)

            I could forgive this but it would need an apology. Sorry. :(

      2. Bagpuss*

        I would contact you cousin, apologise, explain it’s hard for you and your wife as you’d like to be able to have more parental leave but it isn’t possible, and let them know you would like to rebuild bridges.

        I’d guess that your cousin may well have mixed feelings about returning to work so soon – she may well have faced criticism from other people about being a ‘bad mother’ by not taking more time to be with her baby, for instance, and may feel guilty about wanting to return to work when she isn’t forced to do so, so probably for her as well as for you and your wife, there are underlying stresses and factors which contribute to how you all reacted.

        Apologise for your part in it, open the door for relations to improve, and, for now, focus on your relationship with your wife, planning for your child and for supporting each other in caring for him or her, and for each other. Maybe after your baby is born, and things are more settled, if things haven’t improved, you can talk to your wife and encourage her to reach out and to apologise, but right now, I think she needs you more than your cousin does. I agree with Hannah that acknowledging your wife’s feelings (including the fact that it is OK to feel angry that someone who has the thing she wants, doesn’t (appear to) appreciate it , might be helpful, and that it may be useful in your own mind too, to recognise that it was understandable for your wife to be upset and angry, even though the fact she expressed it to your cousin wasn’t appropriate.

        You may find that (particularly if you make the effort to reach out and apologise to your cousin now) that things will improve any way, once all parties are under less stress, but if not, talk to your wife about trying to fix things then, once the dust has settled a little.

    6. First time buyer*

      Tell your wife she was totally and completely and utterly wrong and she has no business being mad at your family or taking her frustration out on them.

      I think that working moms get a raw deal but lashing out at some one else’s choices isn’t on.

      1. Agnodike*

        Do not do this. Your wife IS in the wrong, but bluntly telling her so is going to achieve 0% of what you want to achieve and it’s going to hurt her immensely during a vulnerable time.

        Going back to work and leaving your baby behind before you’re ready to – and ESPECIALLY so early!! – is devastating. People act irrationally and hurtfully sometimes when they’re in pain. Doesn’t make it OK, but redoubling that pain is going to do absolutely nothing but punish the hurting person, and that’s maybe not a great dynamic to have in a marriage.

        1. First time buyer*

          When people are acting unreasonably they need to be told that, clearly and directly just because she is pregnant doesn’t give her a free pass from the consequences of her actions.

          1. Agnodike*

            What do you think the likely outcome of this course of action would be? How do you think the wife will react? What impact do you think it will have on the relationship between husband and wife, or on the wife’s behaviour going forward? What is the end goal of this approach? Have you used it successfully in the past?

            1. First time buyer*

              So the OP should avoid standing up for his family in case his wife has a tantrum?

              Nope that shit doesn’t fly with me. This isn’t a broad line case where there’s room to see it from both sides.

              What about the OPs relationship with his family why should he accept that being damaged by unreasonable behaviour?

              1. Agnodike*

                So, that answered none of my questions. I think it’s probably possible to find an approach to this issue that validates and addresses both the cousin’s reasonable hurt feelings and the wife’s pain, and I absolutely think there IS room to see it from both sides. The question is how to manage the situation in a way that leads to better relationships for everyone. I don’t think your solution is likely to make anything better for anybody.

                1. First time buyer*

                  And you’ve not answered my questions either.

                  The wife’s feelings about going back to work are a completely different issue to the way she’s treated the OPs cousin and wife.

                  I’m shocked people are making excuses for her when she’s behaved so badly.

                2. Agnodike*

                  I don’t think it’s possible to compartmentalize people that way. Sorry, I just really disagree with literally everything you’ve expressed about the way humans and human relationships are. The picture you’re painting is really harsh and sad, and I’m sorry you live in that world.

                3. First time buyer*

                  The OPs wife screamed and yelled at his cousin and has caused her to cut off all contact. That’s not behaviour that should be ignored and I’m not sure what’s harsh and sad about telling her she was wrong to do that.

        2. Student*

          She’s not a child. She’s a rational adult who did something mean to someone else. It’s one thing to cut a pregnant lady some social slack for being a bit moody. That’s when you grin and bear it when she’s sad for no obvious reason, or wants to go on for the 47th time about unpleasant side effects of pregnancy, or can’t hang out as often as you’d like. It’s another thing for a pregnant lady to lash out at a relative, who is also a newborn’s mother, over the mother’s major life decision that does not impact the pregnant lady at all – that’s just unacceptable adult behavior.

      2. Melissa*

        Nope nope nope nope. Pregnant women- especially so close to delivery- are so jacked up in hormones this is just a terrible idea.

        Bringing it up 3 months from now, or at a more calm point down the line? Yes. But having been 38 weeks pregnant twice…and now being pregnant again (only 25 weeks though so I can still see my feet and fit in my car) this is just time when you Let Things Go (at least temporarily). You get out of breath moving from a chair to a couch. You pee yourself when you laugh or cough or sneeze. You are hot all the time. Your feet find fit in your shoes. You feel like a giant beached whale and you feel as if you look awful in everything you put on. You are hungry but get heartburn when you eat *anything*. You haven’t pooped in days thanks to constipation. You may have hemorrhoids. You don’t sleep more than 2 hours at a time, and you pee ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT long. A little someone is having you in your belly and back and ribs most of the day and night. And, as a first time mom, you are terrified.

        There could be a way to gently mention how your cousins wife is anxious about returning to work, too. But I don’t see the benefit right now.

        1. First time buyer*

          Hormones are not a free pass to a t any way you please, OPs wife has behaved in a horrible way and caused a lot of hurt and upset. Why are so many people falling over themselves to accommodate this outrageous behaviour?

          1. Mephyle*

            Because her spouse telling her those home truths at this moment when she is going to be least receptive is very likely to set her hostility in stone, not only towards her cousin but also towards her spouse, and make it less likely that she will ever acknowledge that she was out of line.

    7. Agnodike*

      What an awful situation. There are two pieces to this, as I see it.

      First: your wife is absolutely in the wrong. Your cousin has the right to manage her family’s choices without being questioned or second-guessed. You guys also don’t know what’s going on in their lives. Maybe their financial situation isn’t as good as you think it is. Maybe your cousin works in an industry or for a company where taking time off will really seriously impact her career progression. Maybe she loves her baby but hates being at home and her team of mental health professionals have told her that she’s at risk for worsening postpartum mood issues if she stays home much longer. You have no idea. Time for some damage control. Send a message to your cousin apologizing profusely. Say “I’m so sorry Wife acted that way. We support your choices 100%. We know you’re making the decision that’s right for your family. Wife is really sad that she has to go back to work and she let that emotion overwhelm her to the point where she forgot that. You were absolutely right to be upset. We’re really sorry.”

      Second: your wife. Understand this for what it is: evidence that your wife is so devastated by having to go back to work early that she’s overwhelmed by those feelings. Help her talk about what’s worrying her. Help her name her grief. Be with her when she cries about it. Reassure her about her biggest worries if you can. Comfort her in whatever way works best for her. Maybe in six months or so when it’s not so fresh, you can revisit the fact that her behaviour was out of control. This is grief. Treat it like grief.

    8. Anon question*

      I wanted to thank everyone again for the all responses.

      I just want to clarify something I mentioned in my other reply above. My cousin and her husband are not speaking to us. They have blocked our calls, texts and emails. They told us they want nothing to do with us. They have told her/my family if any of them pass along information about them to my wife and I that they will be blocked as well. They have cut off my mother because of this. I understand my wife was out of line. She is pregnant and is upset about her/our situation but it wasn’t an excuse. They have decided they want nothing to do with us so I cannot reach out to apologize even if I want to. My cousin lived in the same city as me growing up but now we live in different countries over 1000 miles apart so it will not be hard for them to avoid us. My wife got upset because my cousin said she has no desire to be at home with the baby and would go back to work ASAP if she could to avoid being bored at home. I know my cousin and this is true and my wife was upset when she heard it because she would give anything to be able to stay home. My wife wants what my cousin seems to be “throwing away” in my wife’s eyes. I understand my wife is wrong and it is none of her business. I can’t do anything about my cousin so I am just focusing on my wife and the baby.

      Thanks again.

      1. Agnodike*

        So, now I’m wondering if a) this isn’t the first time that your wife and cousin have had an altercation, and b) exactly what your wife said to your cousin, because this is a really, really extreme reaction.

        Really all you can do for your wife is to try to support her in working through her grief until she can get to a place where you can discuss it. If you have access to professional counselling (like if your wife has an EAP at work), that might be helpful here too.

      2. Stellaaaaa*

        Is it possible that this is a larger issue about your wife’s basic values? From your cousin’s point of view, she was yelled at by a conservative (ish) in-law for wanting a career instead of opting to be a stay at home mom. That’s pretty alienating to any woman who fancies herself liberal.

        This is just one read on the situation and totally a guess. I just know that I would probably cut out any relatives who yelled at me for not living like it’s the 1950s.

      3. Go Pats!*

        This is either an extreme reaction , or the back-and -forth between your wife + cousin is far more intense than you’ve let on.

        For now, though, I’d give it Time. It’s a no win.

      4. Observer*

        1. Tell one person who has a relationship with your cousin that you understand that they cannot talk to you about Cousin – you don’t want to put them into a difficult situation. But, please pass on an apology from me. Don’t apologize for your wife. It won’t be honest, and your cousin will know that. And that will DEFINITELY make things worse.

        2. Your wife’s reaction was not only out of line, but rather concerning. Yelling at someone for doing something that is totally not her business is more that just “being upset”. You wife needs to get her emotions and BEHAVIOR under control. Because otherwise she is NOT going to be happy. And in all likelihood, neither will you or the baby.

  76. My Anonymous Alter Ego*

    Anon, probably you’re both excited yet stressed & I’m guessing that your wife has raging hormones. Just listen to your wife & be supportive to her feelings. You can be supportive without agreement.
    Don’t mention your cousins at all & if your wife wants to discuss them you can try to deflect by talking about your baby & the logistics for the newest family member.
    eg: The nursery, it will be interesting to see how that cat reacts to Baby… whatever.
    If your wife still wants to discuss your cousins, try to deflect that to talking about their baby.
    & If your wife asks you if you agree with her… sorry, you’re on your own for that one.
    Perhaps you can deflect that by offering to give her a foot massage.

    Congratulations to you both!!

  77. oranges & lemons*

    Help me AAM writers!! I need help getting started on a longish fiction project. I have an idea that I’m really excited about, but I can’t seem to figure out how to get started. My main issue is that there is a lot of world building involved, so I feel like I can’t really start writing until I’ve figured out a lot of the details about how the world works. Does anyone find it useful to just sit down and make a bunch of world-building notes at a time? Or is it easier to just start writing the story and fill in the gaps later? I’ve never tried writing something this long before so I’m partly just a bit intimidated.

    1. Casuan*

      Just start putting pen to paper.
      You don’t need to have a specific idea. Even if you just jot down a word here & there. Or take a blank paper & write out words or phrases as they come to you. They don’t need to make sense, they don’t need to be in any sort of format, you can write a word upside down & a phrase on an angle.
      Draw whatever comes to mind. Draw a bunch of simple shapes, just make squiggles, whatever.
      Don’t overthink just now. Jot & let your subconscious start to sort things out.
      Also! Keep something with you at all times to jot down or draw as you think of something.
      Good luck!!

    2. Stormy*

      If the words don’t come, sketch your world building as a map, or an architectural drawing, or a comic strip. I find when I’m stuck that skipping around through visual/aural/oral/written brainstorming helps to jog things loose.

    3. FrontRangeOy*

      I really like to just write scenes. No particular order, just start writing bits of things. Sometimes it’s settings, sometimes it’s character sketches, sometimes it’s narrative plot. I use google docs and open the outline feature in the side bar. Each scene gets a boldface header (simple, A, B C, etc, or a character’s name or something else brief) so that it shows up in the outline. That way, I can keep track of different pieces easily, move things, delete things, incorporate an idea than delete the text, whatever. But really, just start writing

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I’m a note writer, so regardless, I always make tons of notes. I’ll make a few to get me going, write an outline, and then take off. I’ve got two things going now that require 1) a different universe, and 2) a future version of ours. I’m making notes and keeping a concordance for #1 as I go to keep on track. And #2 is still mostly in development, though I’m writing a few bits here and there.

      You can also write and fill in the gaps later. I do that a lot. I use filler words and put them in caps, like CHECK or nonsense words. There’s a scene in Secret Book that cracked me up; I couldn’t decide what a character should be drinking and I didn’t want to stop, so I wrote: “The wine, an excellent MEEP, slid smoothly over her tongue.” HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

      1. Stormy*

        Beaker, tired of the Swedish chef’s ambivalence towards wine pairings (and also tired of his abhorrent sloppiness and disdain for mise en place) finally wrests himself free from the overbearing work environment at Henson productions.

        He buys a small patch of countryside, and sets out to perfect a varietal he’s been toying with for years. After much laborious attention to soil pH and organic fertilizers, he finally develops the smooth finish he’s been searching for.

        And thus, MEEP wine is born.

    5. Julia*

      I think this may depend on your personal style. I’m halfway through Wrede on Writing by Patricia Wrede, and she always says to do what works best for you, not others. Have you checked J.K.Rowling’s recent post on her writing process?

      After jumping into a project too quickly without doing advance planning (and it being a fanfic, I couldn’t retcon what was already online), I want to do a LOT of planning now as well, but there definitely is a point when you just have to start writing. Where that point is for you, I cannot tell you. Can you maybe start writing and see if it takes you somewhere or not?

  78. Ms. Gullible*

    Last week I posted how on my day off for mine and kid’s birthday we found their dad coming out our house with his ho-worker. I have started filing all of the proceedings and his family, my family, and my work are very supportive of my decision.

    To add fuel to fire, Monday night he came home drunk. I know, no big deal, except we met in AA. (Alcoholics Anonymous) So this is a big deal as he has been sober for a number of years before we met. I feel so bad that he is self destructing and unfortunately our children are going to be the ones who get to pay the price.

    Oh, and I’m pretty sure I’ve gotten a stomach bug or the flu. So kids and I have been in bed most of the day and I’ve had food delivered as I didn’t have the strength to make a cup of coffee. Thanks, end of rant.

    1. Overeducated*

      I’m sorry. What a rotten week following on another rotten week. Much sympathy and hope you and the kids feel better soon (at least on the flu front, the rest is tougher I know).

    2. nep*

      Sending you good vibes and lots of love. So much to take at once. You’ll get through it — you sound strong and smart. Glad you’ve got support from family and friends.
      Peace

    3. Kuododi*

      I have been thinking about you and your sweet family unfortunately this journey yall are on is going to be uphill/downhill for awhile. The one thing I would tell you is that just because soon-to-be ex is apparently self destructing is on him. That’s never been something you could fix. Your job is to be the healthiest mom you can be for your beloved children. I wish you strength for your journey. Blessings!!!

    4. Temperance*

      I’m going to humbly suggest that you call yourself Ms. Badass or Ms. Awesome instead of Ms. Gullible. Take advantage of your support systems.

    5. Sylvan*

      I hope you feel better soon. I think it’s amazing that you’re looking out for yourself and your kid so well right now. It’s overwhelming but you’re doing everything you can to go in the right direction.

    7. Ms. Gullible*

      Thank you all. I appreciate the kinds words. We’re just trying to push forward.

      And I hate being sick so this sucks. I’m hoping it will pass quickly.

      Temperance, I will take note of your suggestion. At the beginning of this, I felt so gullible.

      1. SC Anonibrarian*

        I don’t know if this is helpful for you, but there is an advice forum called Chump Lady which is full of self-described ‘recovering chumps’ who are trying to rebuild their lives from having been cheated on. It’s a really supportive and open set of people, and they are very good with legal and practical advice on moving forward, but there is lots of cursing and lots of venting. It might be helpful to have a whole community who knows what you’re having to deal with? Good luck.

    8. gwar*

      Oh man, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

      My partner of 11 years left me this summer and I’ve been going through this whole “is he with co-worker? is he not with co-worker?” It’s garbage.

      You sound like you are stepping up and coping with this pain in the most productive way possible. I wish you strength and courage and a speedy recovery.

  79. Merci Dee*

    You can also substitute cream cheese for the Velveeta. That makes a wonderful dip when you let it simmer enough to thicken up. Though I always use the mild Rotel tomatoes and mild sausage to make mine.

  80. Doodle*

    I’m looking for game suggestions, and I know we have some good knowledge in here.

    Constraints:

    – 2 person game — one adult, one 6th grader
    – 30 minutes or less
    – portable and doesn’t take up a ton of space to play — we often meet in a restaurant or coffee shop

    Any ideas? We’ve had some fun with puzzle style games, but we’re up for almost anything. It could even be more of an activity than a game-game.

    Thanks in advance for any suggestions!

    1. Temperance*

      Fluxx! There are a bunch of different kids. It’s a card came, so you can carry it around with you in a bag or purse.

        1. Temperance*

          You are so welcome! I really like the original, but Monster Fluxx is also incredibly fun and would be appropriate for a kid. :)

          1. Traveling Teacher*

            Yes to Fluxx! Super fun! Just made me think of another little card game: Love Letter! Only sixteen cards. My favorite just-in-case game to take when I travel.

    2. Overeducated*

      Sushi Go, Set, and Lost Cities are 2 person card games I find addictive! Sushi Go is probably the cutest if said 6th grader would appreciate that.

    3. Red Reader*

      Steve Jackson Games has some good dice games – Zombie Dice, and I think Dino Hunt, have the same rules but different themes.

    4. Lynn*

      Hive. It’s played with a little pouch of tiles. It’s a strategy game, but the rules are pretty straightforward, and it’s two player.

    6. Anono-me*

      Name five things ___ in a minute.
      Examples:
      Name 5 US states on the Atlantic coast.
      Name 5 Star Wars characters.
      Name 5 gross foods.

      The person asking the question comrs up eith the category and has to be able to make 5 things if the other person can not.
      Asker gets a point if they stump the other person.
      Asked gets a point if they name all give correctly.
      All you need is away to count points and cellphone or a watch with a timer.

      This also can start good conversations.

    7. Okay then*

      ticket to ride
      monopoly if you play by the actual rules and not the house rules- it can be very cutthroat and fast

    8. Aurora Leigh*

      Forbidden Dessert

      The game “board” is tiles that are moved throughout the game. Your goal is to find the parts to a flying machine to escape. It’s really fun and can be replayed many times. My boyfriend and I recently got this and I think I’ll buy another copy for my little brother’s bday (he’ll be 13).

      Also check out Dragonwood!

      It’s a card and dice game where you try to get certain rolls to defeat different magical creatures on the cards. Super fun and easy to learn, my whole family loves it!

    9. Always science-ing*

      Also Exploding Kittens, Jaipur, and Tides of Madness. All relatively short and take minimal space to play. Odin’s Ravens is good for that age too but requires a bit more space.

    10. Colette*

      Straw – it’s a card game (special deck) where you add weight to a camel – within our breaking the camel’s back, it’s a good way to reinforce addition & subtraction and its fun. (I think it can be played with 2 people but am not 100% sure).

    11. Ktelzbeth*

      7 Wonders Duel
      Pandemic
      Splendor (especially this one)
      Tsuro, which looks like it has a spin off called Asteroid Escape branded by Star Wars
      Roll for the Galaxy (the tableau may big for a coffee shop)
      Roll through the Ages (smaller tableau than Galaxy)

      I’m not sure I’m following your 30 minutes or less rule with all the games. Splendor and Tsuro should be under. You’ll have to look at the games for the others. I’ll keep thinking and pop back as ideas occur.

      1. Red Reader*

        Pandemic probably won’t be if you play the physical version, but goes pretty quick if you play the tablet version. Basically since it’s a cooperative game, the player plays every seat at the “table”, which means adult and kiddo can either collaborate on all of them or divvy up seats.

      2. heckofabecca*

        I was hoping someone had already recommended Splendor!! It’s a great game. The box itself is quite big, but there’s relatively little in it, so you could easily transport it. We’ve got people from ages 5 and up who enjoy it a lot. Cards and tiles.

        Seconding Sushi Go—that’s fun and the box itself is small too. Cards.
        Hanabi is cooperative and also in a small box. Cards.
        Guillotine will probably amuse a 6th grader! The game where you need to get a head to win :P Cards (and one non-essential guillotine model).

        Have fun!!!

      3. Traveling Teacher*

        Roll for the Galaxy is my jam! That game is amazing! And, it’s probably not 30 mins the first time, but once you’ve played once or twice, it very well could be with 2 players.

    12. Grandma Mazur*

      Uno
      Labyrinth isn’t small but I think there’s a travel card game version
      Boggle
      Bananagrams make a whole load of different games
      A-Z (just an activity, you have to come up with 26 – or maybe leave out x and z – things in a set amount of time, eg, boys’ names, towns and cities, countries, animals…)
      Cats cradle (the thing with string)
      Monopoly travel card game
      Not sure if they still make this but Mastermind (you have to guess the colour and precise order of four pins that the other player has set up behind a barrier, and they can only signal using black pegs and white pegs)
      Connect 4
      Battleships
      I think there’s a travel version of Settlers of Catan

    14. Traveling Teacher*

      Ashes is relatively short (25 mins for experienced players who don’t draft the cards, up to 45 mins for games where you draft, though often shorter), beautiful and very well made, has 4 female base characters to 2 male base characters, and a whole (free!) written universe on the Plaid Hat Games site, plus a YouTube video explaining how to play so that you don’t have to read the rulebook (megawin!). Lots of expansion packs, but you don’t need any more than the base game to enjoy the game. I don’t always like card games, but this one is just so exceptionally good. The designer, Issac Vega, has made so many cool games. Another one to look in to by him is Video Game High School. That also fits your criteria and is especially fun if you’ve both seen the series it’s based on. Summoner Wars is a very portable (though a bit more complex) card game, also published by Plaid Hat Games–I love their games because I find that they are often very gender-balanced and have cool-but-respectful clothing on all of their characters, a real plus when you’re playing with kids, especially.

      Minivilles fits all of your criteria, and it’s super-cute. Ages 7 and up, so it is somewhat luck-based, but for older players there is some strategy, especially once you start adding in expansions.

      King of Tokyo is really fun, though it might be loud with all of the dice-rolling.

      Above and Below is slightly larger/longer, but it’s a story-based game and is super fun!

    15. Doodle*

      Thanks, all! Many excellent suggestions here. I’ve compiled a list and will start to work my way through it!

      Passing along one I discovered today in thanks: stopped by Target, but their selection was a bit depleted. I found a game called Okay Play that ended up being super fun for both me and the 6th grader and a group of adults earlier. Sort of Connect 4 for 2-4 players, but very portable. I’d recommend it.

      I look forward to trying a bunch of these!!

  81. Anonymous Educator*

    After spending many years in San Francisco, I finally went to Fort Funston and Kirby Cove. Beautiful places that I should have gone to sooner.

    Anyone else have amazing (or even “amazing”) things near you that you’ve never done, seen, or been to? What city/town/village/region, and whats’ the thing you haven’t done (or did only just recently)?

    1. BRR*

      Last week I was visiting my parents in San Diego and finally went to Torrey Pines State Reserve. Courageous trails right on the ocean and we never went before. Face palm

    2. AnnaleighUK*

      We’re doing this today, actually! There’s an old monastery ruin right down the road from our flat and despite both of us having lived in the area for over five years, we’ve never visited it. So we’re packing a picnic and going later on. It’s blinkin’ freezing but we don’t mind. There’s tons of things round where we live in the UK that we’ve never been to. We’ve also never ‘done’ London because we’re so close to it we just go there for shopping or drinks or whatever, we’ve never actually seen the sights.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I don’t know. I’ve seen some cool bits down around the MO-AR border where I went to summer camp. But there’s not a lot around here unless you like the woods (all the woods look the same, mostly), or the lakes (most of those look the same too).

    4. Ramona Flowers*

      I work in London and always have to stay silent when people ask about tourist stuff as I rarely have the time, energy or motivation to enjoy London from that perspective and I’m probably missing out.

    5. Go Pats!*

      Did a harbor islands & lighthouse tour in Boston a few years ago- so much fun! Cheap, easy, and just a great way to spend the day.

  82. nep*

    Haven’t done, even though relatively close: Niagara Falls, Pictured Rocks…I’m sure there are many more but those are two that come to mind.
    Lived in Senegal for years — never made it to Lac Rose.

    2. Reba*

      Lac Rose is cool, but not that cool.

      What took you to Senegal?

      I’ve spent several months there (mostly Dakar) for PhD research.

      1. nep*

        Cool.
        I worked in W Africa for several years after spending three years in Peace Corps in the region.

        1. Reba*

          I’m in art history and the project is about fashion and cloth.

          Thank you for your PC service! I know quite a few RPCVs. I can’t count the number of times on trips to African countries that wonderful goodwill has been extended to me as an American because of the Peace Corps and what it does.

            1. nep*

              Fascinating. Thanks so much for providing the link.
              Ahhhh — Mali also. I LOVE Mali. Must go back.
              I’ve got a couple beautiful books on fabric from all over Africa — you’ve inspired me to look through them again today.

                1. Reba*

                  Nice! Could you share a link? I love Bamanankan and (used to) speak it ok. I use it in research. Bamanankan de ka gelen!

  83. Lynn*

    Hive. It’s played with a little pouch of tiles. It’s a strategy game, but the rules are pretty straightforward, and it’s two player.

  84. Not a gym goer*

    Saw my ex on Thursday. The one who left me because our “lifestyles” were incompatible (aka she was obsessed with the gym and being thin and me gaining 150+ pounds and being overweight meant I wasn’t thin enough for her). She married a personal trainer and has had twins last year. She is back to being as thin and stretch mark free as ever as ever even after having the twins. I thought she was the one. I’m still single. I still imagine what it would be like if we were married. I thought I was over her and I haven’t thought about her at all for like 2 years but seeing brought back a flood of memories. Even though she didn’t say anything I imagine she was silently judging me because I am even bigger now than I was when she left me.

    Thank-you for listening

    1. Melissa*

      I would think about it this way: she is who she is. Would you want to be with her if she were judging you from across the kitchen table vs from passing by on the street? It sounds like you and she do have different priorities/lifestyles and that’s fine! You will find someone that’s a good fit for your lifestyle, just like she’s found someone that is an exercise nut.

      I’d think of this as “good thing we figured this out before it was too late,” and she spent years nagging you about exercise etc. when you are just not into it.

    2. Temperance*

      Honestly, different lifestyles can make things really, really difficult. I’m sorry that you aren’t doing well, and you’re ruminating about what might have been.

      My last partner was deeply religious, and from a close family. Things that don’t really work for me. I was still gutted when things ended, and felt horrible when he got engaged a year after we broke up, and married a year after that.

      1. Dan*

        I’ll be the first one to say that I absolutely hate any advice along the lines of “I don’t like my partner because they’re fat. What health related can I use to guilt them into losing weight?” Hell no. Own your feelings, even if it’s awkward.

        Although, I did want to comment more generally — lifestyle matters. I love to cook and eat everything — I can’t imagine dating someone on a particular diet, no matter how great they are. We eat 3x daily, 7 days a week, for the rest of our lives. The idea of marrying someone who won’t eat what I cook — as I cook everything — just doesn’t register.

    3. Ramona Flowers*

      This sounds really hard. Please try to be kind to yourself. You deserve to have people in your life who value you.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      So very sorry.

      Life is like a movie, it’s a story. When we look at photographs we only see a tiny part of the story. Photographs are not movies. Yes, a snapshot will bring back all the positives and all the grief from missing those positives. Cry, punch some walls, whatever it is you do to get that grief out and moving. Then go back to the movie, remind yourself that there is more to the story than that one photo in your head. It is when we remember the bigger picture we can start to regain some sense of the flow of life.

      And try, try to think of it as there will always be people who remain etched/tattooed on our hearts even though they have left our lives for whatever reason. And this is actually okay. Your relationship with her is not totally lost, she showed you things, you learned things and had experiences that will forever be a part of you. And that part you get to keep forever.

  85. tangerineRose*

    I may be in a position where I might need to buy my own health insurance. Does anyone have recommendations or advice on what to look for and what/who to avoid?

    1. Anono-me*

      First time I picked my own insurance, I thought I had done well making sure all the tests that I might need were covered. I should have also checked to se if the office visit to have the tests done was covered.

  86. Elizabeth West*

    I went to a writing workshop meetup today–it was cool! I presented the first chapter of my book and got some good feedback. A couple of people said as they read further, they got more into it, but the first page has to grab you from the very beginning. They had some suggestions as to what caught their attention and what seemed off at the first, so yay! I also think I impressed them since it was so polished (though nothing is perfect, obviously, haha). There is one very inexperienced (and intimidated) writer and I had to assure her that hey, this is NOT a first draft and has been through 14 edits already.

    We’ll be meeting twice a month for the next two months, which will preclude coffee with my meditation group those days, but that’s okay. It’s a very small group and I liked the people so it should be fun. :D

    2. nep*

      That sounds wonderful.
      (Takes a special kind of courage to put your writing out there like that.)
      And how great that you were able to encourage an inexperienced writer — way to pay it forward.

    5. Reba*

      Good for you!

      I recently recruited a long-distance writing buddy. It’s more about accountability and progress — we just check in by email a couple times a week — but it’s so great to have someone to talk about writing with!

  87. Trixie*

    As I mentioned in earlier post, I have my new (used) Hyundai Elantra hatch back and absolutely love it. I’m investing in Weathertech floor mats, deflectors, extended trunk/cargo liner, and eventually window tinting. The other big item I would love is a rearview camera. Curious, has anyone installed their own? Sometimes I wish Youtube didn’t make everything look so easy! (And tempting.)

    1. Rogue*

      Never installed a backup camera, but wanted to let you know they do make wireless ones, in case you were interested (I’ve no experience with them personally though).

    2. LCL*

      I paid to have my backup camera installed because of how my SUV is configured. The license plate assembly is integrated with the hatch door so it’s complicated. If the license plate had been part of the bumper I would have done it myself.

    1. Pathfinder Ryder*

      I am a wee bit obsessed with Horizon Zero Dawn – the recommended level for the main plot quest I’m currently on is level 12, but I’ve gotten so wrapped up in side quests and exploring that I’m level 27 (just over halfway to the maximum level).

      1. Red Reader*

        My housemate got a PS4 for Christmas and he and my husband have both been playing HZD. I’m enjoying watching them – I don’t play much myself in terms of video games – but Jesus wept, what is up with these people’s headgear designs, haha!!

    2. Torrance*

      Mostly WoW + Overwatch at the moment, though– and you might appreciate this ;D — I just finished another playthrough of Andromeda. I’ll forever be bummed that we’re not getting more content/DLC, especially, ahem, more Reyes.

      1. Pathfinder Ryder*

        Despite my username here, I actually haven’t done another playthrough since my first! Last year had too many good games. I’ve been really enjoying the prequel comics and novels (especially Discovery, the Kandros comic), though I’m not particularly looking forward to Annihilation after the author disparaged two of my trilogy faves in an incredibly surface reading of their characters.

    3. Jessen*

      I’ve got a lovely little game going called Banished. It’s a pseudo colonial era sim type game. I feel a little weird realizing that I’m getting excited over setting up a successful furniture industry for export.

    4. Annie Mouse*

      I’ve just discovered The Division which I’m enjoying working my way through so far. I’ve also restarted Fallout 4 recently while I was waiting for The Division to arrive.

    5. Julia*

      Still the same games I’ve been playing forever: Pokémon (now Moon) and The Sims. Although I haven’t had a lot of time to play lately, what I like about Pokémon is the trading aspect where you meet new people online. The Pokémon subreddits are pretty nice places, surprisingly.

      1. Dr. KMnO4*

        I’m doing Pokemon Ultra Sun/Ultra Moon (Yes, I bought the dual pack…) and Pokemon Crystal! If you enjoy Pokemon Moon I think you’ll enjoy Ultra Moon even more. The changes between the versions aren’t immediately obvious, but I think they really added something to the game.

    6. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Replaying Dragon Age: Origins right now, although I think I’m going to need a Sims break pretty soon. Between those two I don’t have room on my computer for anything else right now, lol.

    8. The Other Dawn*

      No one laugh, but my husband just bought an AB switch so we can hook up our original Atari system. I really miss playing it. I miss the days of sitting on the couch all day with friends and playing Frogger, Megamania, Space Invaders, etc.

      1. Nicole*

        Laugh? Never! I still have our original Atari 2600 from the mid 80’s and break it out to play occasionally. I purchased new controllers for it several years back. I really loved Seaquest, Dolphin, Jr. Pac-Man, and some others I forget the names of at the moment. I didn’t own Seaquest back then but found it used a few years ago. I also have two Atari collection Playstation discs. I feel like the newer systems have evolved past my enjoyment level. I don’t want all the story lines and complicated levels. I prefer more simple games which is why I tend to play puzzle ones on my phone and leave the gaming systems to my husband.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Exactly! Beyond Sega Genesis (Sonic the Hedgehog!!) I just can’t deal with the multiple buttons, actions, etc. Atari is just so uncomplicated. Sure there was definitely some challenge there–Missile Command was tough for me for some reason–but one button and joystick got the job done. Oh, and the paddle controller. I used to have the original Pong system, but I can’t seem to locate it; I think it got lost over the years. My Atari is the original one, although my husband had the 2600. That, too, was lost over the years.

          I think I need to get the AB switch hooked up so I can go play. Sounds better than doing my taxes…

          1. Nicole*

            My grandparents had the original Pong too! Also, you mentioning the paddle controllers reminded me of another game I really enjoyed – Breakout.

        2. KR*

          Yes!! I want to play games (I bought my Xbox 360 used from a friend and it included games). They look so fun but they’re so complex I feel like I can’t even begin to try to play them – and none of them have a beginner mode or training mode. :/

    10. Dr. KMnO4*

      Pokemon Ultra Sun, Ultra Moon, and Crystal on my 3DS. I’m also doing a coop playthrough of Saints Row IV with my husband. Playing games online together is one of the ways we stay connected since we aren’t living together right now.

      I just recently got back into Warframe after seeing Jim Sterling’s Jimpressions video on it. I have progressed quite far in the game and I really enjoy it.

    12. Someone else*

      Twilight Princess.

      (I know. It’s 10+ years old. I got it when it came out, started, couldn’t get into it, which was odd because I love me some Zelda, and now I’m picking it back up again.)

    13. Porygon-Z*

      I’m currently addicted to Persona 5. I beat the game a couple weeks back and immediately started a New Game +. I promised myself after I beat it for the second go-round I’m not touching a Persona game for at least a couple months so I can actually get stuff done again, but I really want to explore the whole series at some point. Really long, but great game.

      1. Torrance*

        The Persona series is amazing! And, yeah, they are a total timesuck (but in a thoroughly enjoyable way). Between the ‘one more day!’ or ‘one more level!’, there’s also the sheer amount of spinoffs. It was a bit crazy where they went with P4 though, like Dancing All Night. ¬_¬ (Though Persona Q made up for it by including my favourite non-protag character.)

        My personal favourite is Persona 3 Portable, the handheld port (PSP/Vita). Mainly because I’m a sucker for a female protagonist. And it’s just.. it’s wonderful.

        1. Porygon-Z*

          Oh man, I didn’t know there were so many spinoffs! This is going to be a huge rabbit hole I’m jumping down.

          I might need to find a way to play Persona 3 Portable. I was going to play the PS2 (?) version since it’s the one I can download onto my PS3, although I have heard the PSP version has the better gameplay.

          1. Torrance*

            Yeah, so many spinoffs! It’s great because Atlus does a really good job about fleshing out the world and making them worth the purchase (they’re not just moneygrabs) but it can get a bit hard on the wallet. I own three versions of P3 (P3, P3FES, & P3P) and then two versions of P4 (P4 & P4G) plus a few of the standalone extras.

            I’m really, really biased when it comes to the best P3 version but it can be a hassle to get access to P3P– if you can’t, then I’d definitely recommend P3 FES over the original version. FES is the rerelease with additional gameplay and an epilogue. (And it’s available in the Store, so that might be the version you’re talking about which is aces.)

  89. LAM*

    My car was in an accident (the boyfriend,who is on the insurance policy was driving. No injuries thankfully) on Monday. The car is being processed as a total loss. The insurance company was finally in the process of taking possession of the car on Friday, due to complications from getting it released from the place the police had it towed to.

    I have Progressive. They are using IAA to evaluate/appraise the car. The claim rep said they use JD Power to determine payout.

    Does anyone know how they tend to run compared to KBB? I’m having trouble finding information online. It’s going to be a week or so before I find out what they’re going to offer as far as a payout for the loss, and I’d like to be prepared to make sure they are making a fair offer.

    It was an 09 Honda Civic (sedan, LX) with 154000-ish miles if that makes a difference.

    1. First time buyer*

      I’ve no idea how to answer your question, but have you checked the blue book value or your car or looked around online to see what comparable cars are selling for? That would give you something to compare the insurance pay out against.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      This may sound like I am side stepping your exact question but this is something that has worked for me and my husband in the past.

      My husband was an insurance adjuster for a while. He eventually got sick of it. However, what we did was call around to local car dealerships. Key point- LOCAL. Some vehicles are worth more in a given locale so try to stay closer to home when you pick places.
      Make a record of your calls.
      Write down the name of the dealership, date/time and who you spoke to. A first name is adequate.

      Ask each place what the price range for a Honda Civic sedan xl with 154k would sell for on their lot.
      Ideally they should give you a range.
      Put the range on your chart of information and call to the next place on your list. Call an odd number of places, at least three maybe five.

      The adjuster will call you with her findings. If the price is not in the range with the numbers you have collected up then say, “Okay. Let me tell you what I did here because I was curious.” Then explain the places you called and the ranges they gave you.
      She will probably come up to the ranges you are talking about.

      My husband usually did this. The one time I did it, I called three places. I got an overall range of $0 to $1200. I was prepared. The adjuster called and offered me $1800. I took the offer.

      What I like about this is that it does not matter if they reference KBB or IAA to get their prices. You will have ACTUAL prices from your area, not someone’s guess from a desk. And that is what you tell them, “I have actual prices that people are paying in my area.”

      It does not take long to make the calls and it feels so good to know what the heck is going on.

      1. LAM*

        This is helpful, thank you. I’ve been looking online at local listings, but most are for cars with less miles (120k), so it’s been difficult for me to get a feel for what a fair offer should be.

        Calling around for what they would price it for makes sense.

    3. AliceBD*

      Just over a year ago someone hit my car when I was at a light and totaled it. I put it into KBB and got what they valued it at, but State Farm gave me at least $1000 more than that (I can’t remember exactly). I’m not sure how they calculated it but I was very happy with what I got for it. (since I then had to go buy a car when I had not been planning on getting a new car for several more years)

      1. LAM*

        That’s about where I’m at… We weren’t planning on replacing my car for another 2-3 years, as we just took out a car loan for his Jeep. The values I was getting from KBB is what started freaking me out, as it lists a range from $1500 to $5000… which is a huge difference as far as what kind of car you end up buying.

    4. Lou*

      I had Progressive when my car was totaled a few years ago. It was an older VW Golf, and I was pleasantly surprised to get more than blue book for it. Fingers crossed that you get a good payout as well!

  90. Jessen*

    My cat is scaring me.

    I set up my old loft bed, because teeny apartment and anyway it encourages me to not sit in bed on my laptop. And of course I’ve set up the furniture so she can get up there, because I’m not a mean human who’s going to deny her her rightful perch (and she does like bed-snuggles).

    So she’s taken to walking along the inch-wide rail and just perching on it. Not on the bed itself, on the rail. It’s narrower than her paws.

    2. Lcsa99*

      I don’t think you need to worry. Cats have amazing balance. As long as you don’t push her, I think she’ll be fine. I am more worried about our cat walking along the edge of our tv. He will be fine but if he makes it fall, the tv won’t survive!

      2. Lynn*

        I zip-tied my tv to the stand it’s on. The kitties might make it teeter now and then, but it can’t lean far enough to actually topple or get enough force to break the zip ties.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      My house was built in 1735. It has one of those front halls where you walk in the front door and the stairs are right there. The stairway is divided into three shorter flights, so you go straight up, then left, then left again and you’re at the top. Then there’s a railing that goes the length of the hall upstairs and it’s all open and looks over onto the staircase and down into the front hall. Guess where the kitties like to sit? Yup, on that skinny railing two stories off the ground. The first time I saw them walking the railing it scared the heck out of me. I tried a few times to not allow them up there. Yeah, not happening. So that’s their perch and tightrope walk. It’s a little nerve-racking still, but cats have good balance and they land on their feet, so I try not to worry about it. And yes, they love to stick their heads through the rungs in the railing, so I have to worry they’ll get their heads stuck, too.

      1. Hellanon*

        I have one of those railings over my stairs, which by contrast go straight down to the front door. Both cats enjoyed jumping up there and playing balance beam until Ziggy, who’d failed to notice that his middle-aged spread had assumed a life of its own, had an unfortunate gravitational-field accident: he jumped up, overbalanced, and hit at least half the stairs on his way down. No broken bones, but he was pretty shaken up, and has given that railing a wide berth ever since. Cats: not actually all that graceful.

      2. Jessen*

        One thing that’s been a hit with mine – the bed has slats down the end instead of a separate ladder. What she loves is if she’s under the bed on one side, to have a toy waved on the other side where she can just get it with her paws.

    4. Bagpuss*

      Eep.
      However, as others have siad:
      1. They have excellent balance so the risk of falling is low
      2.If she does fall, they are notoriously good at fallig on their feet, and have much better shock absorbers than we do.
      3. They are much smaller than us, so even in a worst-case scenario, her risk of being hurt if she fell is much less than yours would be, if you fell from a similar height.

      (we used to have a wrought-iron handrail at the top of some outside stairs into a shed. The had rail was less than an inch wide. Cat of that time liked to sit on the rail, 2 stories up. He could have sat on the stairs, or on the roof of the shed, both of which would have been far less precarious, but he liked the rail.)

    5. KR*

      I used to be on a third floor apartment with a deck and Lillian’s favorite place out there was to sit at the very corner edge of the deck looking out over everything. Yikes.

    6. Kuododi*

      Oh goodness… I wouldn’t sweat this at all…(and I am a neurotic overprotective pet parent!!!). I remember when I was a kid visiting the grandparents at the family farm, I was outside playing with my sister and we saw the barn cat fall out of the top window of the three story barn. All she did was do the cartoon head shake…(minus the sound effects)… and wander off to commit mayhem and destruction…!!! I suspect your baby will be just fine….!!!

  91. Grace Carrow*

    I have an issue that I would really like the AAM community’s views on. It sort of follows on from the other topics on cultural appropriation.
    I’m a designer in. let’s say, handmade teapots, and there is a particularly lovely and novel method for crafting the shape of the handle with a double helix. It was introduced to the USA and from there to the large internet community of hand-made teapot creators, by an American tourist who visited, let’s say, Thailand and saw one of the hotel’s housekeepers making a teapot handle in this new way. She was so struck by the beauty and originality of the method that she asked the housekeeper to show her how to do it. When she got back to the USA she posted it on the internet and it went viral in the online teapot crafting community. And she called it the “Thai Chambermaid’s Handle” .

    And that’s the name it is now known by. And I find this really offensive. How hard would it have been to find out the housekeeper’s name? It seems so disrespectful to the woman who created this beautiful thing to reduce her to her role in a service industry. Am I being an oversensitive snowflake here? I will be using this method in my next published design, and I want to call it “the double helix handle (sometimes known as the Thai Chambermaid handle)”. Am I overreacting?

    1. HannahS*

      No, you’re not overreacting. That woman in that context was an artisan, a craftsperson, and to insist on calling her a “chambermaid” for the sake of exoticism (“ooh this is from someone foreign AND poor”) is gross. I think it would be best to still acknowledge that it came from Thailand and call it something more like, “The Thai double-helix handle.”

    2. Reba*

      Oof. I think it’s great to introduce the new and less fraught name, though I agree with HannahS to keep Thai in there. You could even write in the description a thank-you to the sadly anonymous Thai woman who taught the method. Or if you can do some research, you could share how old and widespread the method is in Thai culture to more fully credit its origin.

      1. nep*

        Listen to Reba — she knows of art history.
        Really, though, this seems like stealing. To not credit the woman’s name and country at the VERY least? Bad.

    3. Grace Carrow*

      Thank you. Hannah S you nailed it. I was so affected by it I couldn’t name it so clearly. Reba, I wish I could but these are the kind of teapots that are taught mother to daughter usually, and there is very little written down. Thank you all for validating my unease.

  93. I Am Still Furious!!*

    So it’s February. My husband said he wanted to wait until February to discuss any settlement proposal regarding our divorce, so here we are. So send the proposal already. It’s pretty apparent the whole pipe dream of “moving to Ohio to work at mystery job” is out the window because, surprise, he actually found a full time job here. It’s truly amazing what someone can do when they have to actually help support themselves. There is no reason now, other than I have excellent health insurance through my employer and he wants to stay on it, to delay further. Yet another reason it’s terrible to have health insurance tied to employment. I can’t drop him without him agreeing to it, and now it seems he could drag this out for another 8 months before I can petition the judge to just make a ruling.

    As for me, my marriage and partnership with this man has been over for years. I am moving on as if he doesn’t exist. I just need that piece of paper in my hand so I can get my life back.

    1. Melody Pond*

      Maybe your insurance company is different, but – I work for a health insurance company, and I’m in a role where I process changes in membership, such as a spouse or an ex-spouse being removed from a subscriber’s policy.

      At my company, “divorce” and “legal separation” are both valid reasons to remove a dependent. And my impression is that that’s mostly up to the subscriber (i.e., you), and the spouse/ex-spouse doesn’t have as much of a say in the matter. Spouses can’t really be added onto plans to begin with, without the subscriber’s consent, so in my experience it really comes down more to what the subscriber wants.

      Again, perhaps your situation is different – but maybe it might be worth checking with your insurance company directly, to see if “legal separation” is a valid reason to remove your spouse, regardless of what he wants? And, of course, you might want to run all of this by your attorney, just to be safe.

    2. Anonymous Ampersand*

      I’m glad to see your update! But I wish it was happier. Amazing that he managed to find a job *stroking chin emoji* ;)

      I hope you can get him off your health insurance soon.

  94. Not So NewReader*

    Please talk to your lawyer. Maybe your husband can pay you the increase in your rate that is his coverage until he gets his own.
    Another angle is how many requests does he get to make you keep waiting? And what reasons are acceptable reasons? He can’t make you wait indefinitely, I think.

    When will he be eligible for insurance at his new place? Perhaps other things can be worked on and make the insurance coverage the final step before finishing the divorce proceeding.

    I dunno, maybe you can tell him you are thinking of changing jobs so neither one of you would have insurance for a bit if this happened. It feels like a game of chess really. So very sorry. I hope this changes quickly for you.

    1. I Am Still Furious!!*

      My attorney is handling it all, but the truth is, I can’t make him give me a settlement proposal. I can have my support payment to him adjusted now that he found a job. I do know they don’t offer health insurance (it’s a cab company), and a low paying job, but a full time job nonetheless. At my age, 55, not having health insurance for me will be a very last resort thing. I am in good health, but it would only take one small thing to bankrupt me.

      He was served on 9/18/17. If he does nothing, on 9/18/18 my attorney can petition the judge to make a ruling. I just don’t want to hang on another 8+ months.

      1. Melissa*

        Could you just remove him from your policy? Not sure what state you are in but he should have access to minimal coverage via health exchanges.

  95. Foreign Octopus*

    I know that this is very late but I’m hoping there are cat people about.

    This morning I noticed that she had a corneal ulcer on her eye, an after effect of the cold that she’s had, and I made plans to take her to the vet tomorrow. She was perfectly fine this morning. She let me stroke her and munch her and she fell asleep on my stomach for most of the morning and afternoon. In the last thirty minutes though, she’s hissed at me, dashed away from me, and gone to hide in the bathroom, all common signs of being in pain.

    There are no clinics open in my part of Spain on a Sunday. I have to wait until 10am tomorrow to even get an appointment. What can I do in the meantime to help her? Is there anything or do I just have to let her hide?

    Any help would be greatly appreciated.

    1. here kitty*

      I would lock her in the bathroom or some enclosed space where she can’t hide totally from you but where she would feel safe. I’ve used the bathroom because there she can’t totally disappear. I’d put towels or linens on the floor, her bed and other toys that might give her comfort, and food and water so she can be as comfortable as possible and not risk injuring herself more by trying to hide.

      1. Casuan*

        This,
        Also, of course, check on her tho don’t hover. Really you’ll know if she wants to nest in your lap or if she still wants to hide.
        Cats have a third eyelid, so if it shows that can be an indicator that Kitty is feeling worse. Also check her for dehydration. If there’s an emergency vet where you are, make sure you have the infos just in case.
        Mostly just let her be & get her to the vet tomorrow.
        Please let us know how she’s doing!!

  96. nonononymous*

    My mother remarried a few years ago after my father passed away and today she was in a bad way and disclosed some super dysfunctional dynamics between the 2 of them (from my perspective they’re both behaving terribly in different ways). I am having such a hard time. It’s hard to witness this and not want to jump into rescue mode which is usually she feels better because I took her side and I feel shitty because I’ve absorbed her problem, usually compounded by binging or some other acting out behavior. Also, having a terrible relationship (which gets minimized immediately if pointed out) is better than being single (which I am) so she gets to feel better about that too. Thanks for listening.

  97. matcha123*

    Do any of you have tips on becoming more comfortable with the opposite sex? Yesterday I had dinner with a male friend. We started off with a quasi-relationship that then changed to a friendship. When we started dinner, he looked quite happy to see me and made a lot of eye-contact. But, I kept looking away and didn’t really smile myself. I notice that when I’m with males, I freeze up and avoid eye contact. Even though I would like to date this guy, I was afraid of coming off as too happy to talk to him or too flirty.
    When I was growing up I was strongly told to avoid being around boys or doing anything one-on-one with them. Some part of me keeps pulling back when a guy smiles or makes eye contact with me or seems too eager to talk to me. How can I refocus that energy to men I am interested in to help let them know that I am interested in them?

    1. HannahS*

      I’m sorry. Our culture does nasty things to girls and women. I think the only solution is to practice, and to understand that unlearning habits like that takes time–I don’t mean that in a discouraging way, just in a “don’t beat yourself up if this takes time” kind of way. Maybe, every time you feel uncomfortable or awkward, remind yourself why you’re behaving as you are–like, when you have intrusive thoughts, remind yourself “I’m being friendly to John because he IS my friend.” “I’m acting happy to see Eric because I AM happy to see him” “I’m acting engaged in the conversation with Adam because I AM engaged in the conversation with Adam.” You aren’t doing anything bad or wrong; behaving sincerely is a great goal. It’s not your job to make sure that no men ever misinterpret your actions. The sad truth is, there are men who will misinterpret any female attention as flirting and angrily blame you when it turns out to be not true, and it’s not your job to make sure that they don’t.

    2. Reba*

      Interesting question. (In the spirit of sharing what we like about commenters in another thread above, it seems like you are really self-aware, matcha123!)

      Do you have any male contacts/low key friends you could practice with, in settings that feel lower-stakes than with a person you would like to pursue a relationship with?

      My spouse also grew with a fairly sex-negative, shame focused religious education around relationship behavior. It seems to me that spending more time unpacking that part of your upbringing would be really helpful.

      You might also look at some Ask Polly / Heather Havrilesky columns. Her verbose style doesn’t work for everyone, but she has written several times I think about boldly showing up, getting clear about your desires and acting as fully yourself.

      Good luck!

    3. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      You might find it helpful to reexamine the assumptions of how women should behave. But yes, practice.

    4. My Anonymous Alter Ego*

      Agree with the comments so far.

      to give HannahS’ comments my own twist: Even if you think you’d want to date a certain guy, try to put those thoughts aside & just communicate with him as you would any other friend.

      Practise! If there’s a man with whom you do feel comfortable, ask for their help. Feedback can be useful. It could be that the guys with whom you’ve spoken are making you feel inadequate when you’re really doing okay.
      With guys you know, build up confidence by asking a simple question & concentrate on their answer (as opposed to oh-geez-I’m-talking-with-a-guy-now-what) so you can reply with more than a hasty exit.
      “Have you tried that new restaurant?”
      “No.”
      “Neither have I although I hope to soon.”
      bonus phrase: “If you go before I do please give me your review & I’ll the same.”

      Practise confidence in general as well.
      If you catch someone’s eye (regardless of gender), hold the gaze for a second before you look away & if it’s appropriate you could give a small smile or compliment something about them.
      If someone gives you a compliment, respond by looking them in their eyes & a simple “Thank You!”
      You’ll be amazed how saying just thank-you (with no qualifier) boosts your confidence & how others perceive you. It can take some practise.

      For what it’s worth, even for women who can communicate well with men, often this breaks down when there’s a date or wow-he-smiled-at-me-so-he-might-be-the-one scenario. It can be horrifying to witness.

      Just be yourself & give yourself some time to work on this. I’m pulling for you!

    5. FrontRangeOy*

      Like others have said, practice. Low stakes situations like meeting up to do a volunteer activity, have coffee, attend a music event help, but really, just practicing over and over again with humans whose company you enjoy. I got a heavy handed dose of similar messages throughout high school. I’ve had to work hard as an adult to convince my brain that the world will not blow to pieces and I will not self destruct if I do things to let someone know I like them. The more often you practice, the easier it gets to relax and enjoy someone’s company.

    6. matcha123*

      Thank you all for the replies! And thank you Reba for your shout out! When it comes to situations where I know the guy is not interested in me, I’m not interested in him at all, or male coworkers, I am more relaxed. It’s when the possibility of being the target of someone’s interest arises, I kind of shut down. It’s like my brain is saying that if I like someone, I shouldn’t show them I enjoy their company because they might be turned off. I was teased in elementary and middle school as the girl boys definitely wouldn’t want to date. As in my name would be paired with a boy to tease him and he’d loudly deny any interest in me and imply that anything would be favorable to me. It also didn’t help that when I was in that age group, older men made passes at me. Even when I was in college, older males approached me thinking I was a lot younger than I actually was.
      I think I dress better and am objectively more attractive then I used to be, and should be OK with giving attention to males I enjoy interacting with, especially ones I’d want as a romantic partner. I guess practice is the name of the game. I’m trying to remind myself that I can choose to give attention and anyone who’d ick me for being attracted to them is immature.

    7. Traveling Teacher*

      One quote that I absolutely love is from a French film called Les Femmes du 6eme etage (The Women of the 6th Floor). It’s a wonderful little film about Spanish maids working in Paris during the 1960s.

      Maria, one of the maids, is listening to her “Madame” while Madame is going on and on about how she must trap a husband because “men don’t know what they want” and “so that’s how I got Monsieur and ended up in this beautiful house.”

      Maria replies archly, “Si un homme ne me veut pas, tant pis pour lui.” (“If a man doesn’t want me, too bad for him.”) (stunning Madame into silence)

      I think it’s a great twist on the “just be yourself” advice that people dole out all the time, much more empowering. Especially as a fellow-freezer: Some guys will recognize that you’re freezing because you’re attracted to them. They do exist! :) So, if you practice a state of “I’m just being me”, then no matter if you freeze or not: If he wants you, then he sees you. If he doesn’t, too bad for him. He didn’t recognize who YOU were.

  98. The Other Dawn*

    I’m so not in the mood to work on my taxes today. I don’t *have* to do it today, but I want to get it going a little further along that it is. I’m hoping this is the year my tax refund pays off the money I owe the IRS.

    I feel so blah today. I got myself into a repetitive train of negative thoughts this morning and it’s affecting my whole day. I’ve come to realize that all my negative thoughts stem from The Place We Don’t Speak of on the Weekend. It’s so strange to me that in my personal life things usually just roll off my back and I’m pretty positive, whereas at work I’m a ball of feelings and low self-esteem. But I’ll wait until Friday’s open thread to talk about it, since this thread is work-free.

    1. My Anonymous Alter Ego*

      Sorry you’re feeling this way, Dawn. For what it’s worth, you described how I felt yesterday. Finally I just stopped fighting it & let myself feel blah. Whilst that didn’t help how I felt, it did save me some feeling-blah-and-I-hate-feeling-like-this-so-I’m-going-to-really-wish-I-felt-better-damn-it-I-still-feel-blah-anyway energy which helped me to do… ummm… actually I don’t know what saving some of that energy did for me.
      Today I feel better.
      Just let yourself have a blah day!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      This actually make sense. We have more autonomy/power in our personal lives. For the at-home aspect of this question one thing that helped me was getting extra rest. Initially I really underestimated how much down time I needed. Then as each decade rolled by, I needed to make some adjustments here and there. This included making my house easier to maintain. I now have numerous little rules of thumb I go by such as all my clothes have to be easy to clean, no fussy fabrics. In the end, I realized that I was picking what was important to me and what wasn’t. Some of the things that were not important to me actually surprised me.

  99. EA*

    So I recently paid off my student loans, and now have disposable income for the first time in my 28 years.
    I usually buy cheap clothes that don’t always hold up well, I feel like I replace frequently. I wanted to invest in some higher quality clother. I bought some work clothes from boden (I think Alison recommended them), and thought the quality was great. They were slightly pricey, but the quality was so good. The issue is they are not exactly my style, they are more preppy/colorful than I like (I like neutrals, mostly black, asymetrical cuts, and european designers). The boden clothes are fine and work for work, but I don’t really get excited for them.

    I then bought some sweaters I love from Aritzia (which is more my style of clothes), which I could wear to work. They were not good quality. They pilled right away, and the boden sweater still hasn’t pilled. They are also the same fabric. The jury is still out on what I got from all saints. Does anyways have any recommendations for stores? I’m looking into Everlane – does that stuff hold up?

    1. Stephanie*

      I’ve gotten stuff from Splendid that’s held up pretty well (I usually find it at consignment stores or like Nordstrom Rack, so that may skew my perception of its quality). I like Nordstrom’s store brand, Halogen. (I believe they have a higher priced Nordstrom-specific store brand.)

      *Old* J. Crew is great. Don’t buy the stuff in the stores now, it’s crap. But if you can find something on eBay or in a consignment shop, it’s good quality

      1. Reba*

        Alas J Crew! I used to really rely on them for certain things. And I have worn 2 of their much-lamented wedding party dresses. Who knows what’s going on over there these days.

        1. Stephanie*

          I just took off my J. Crew winter coat and was worried the zipper was broken. I’ve had the coat four months.

    2. Reba*

      I’m really really happy with my Everlane silk blouses — they haven’t gotten super heavy wear but I definitely feel I’m getting what I paid for. (I cold hand wash + iron at home, no dry cleaning necessary.) Friends are pleased with the quality of the shoes.

      I’m a loyal shopper at Loft and to a lesser extent AT, and while the past couple years’ fits have been weird for me (and current season’s looks, please burn the cold shoulder trend in a fire), I think the quality on the whole is still there. Can be a bit hit or miss but I have several Loft sweaters and skirts that are 8+ years old and still in rotation. I’m also a devotee of Nordstrom and Nordstrom Rack. I’ve also done ok with items from Garnet Hill (even though I laugh at myself a little when I shop there) and sale sections of Anthro and Need Supply. It’s also worth poking around *in store* at Zara–you really have to look at the things to see the quality.

      In my experience there is no point in buying inexpensive cashmere :(

      And huge YAY for paying off your loans. That’s awesome.

    3. Go Pats!*

      Are you looking for work clothes or casual/very biz casual/weekend clothes?

      Either way, I’d recommend Nordstrom. Their stuff can be pricey but they stand by their products and if something doesn’t hold up, you can often get a refund/Exchange. They have a free personal shopper service as well that you may or may not find useful.

      For weekend clothes, I’m too busy to shop. I started using StitchFix and love it. One downside is that it’s very difficult to say “I love this sweater and I want to buy 3!”’ But it pushes me into more up-to-date looks and nails my style.

      1. Effie, who can't hear her insecurities, because she's busy dancing*

        Seconding Nordstrom. They stand behind the quality of their products and even if you don’t go for the personal shopper service the sales associates know their stuff (you’d get like a mini-personal-shopping experience instead of a full overhaul).

    4. Casuan*

      I don’t have specific recommendations although I do have some generalised thoughts.
      Buying clothes & accessories has its own learning curve, so it might take a few tries to sort out where to buy what. Well-known brands & higher prices don’t always mean quality, so don’t be lulled into the trap of this-was-expensive-so it-must-be-good-even-tho-I-don’t-think-it-is.
      You might like sweaters at this retailer tho you don’t like the quality of their trousers (or the sweaters fit you perfectly tho the trousers don’t fit right). For things like sweaters, socks, towels et cetera (anything fuzzy or terry) I’ll do a pinch & pull test: pinch the fabric slightly & gently pull. If the fabric pulls out easily the quality isn’t for me.
      Also look for a good cut, even stitching & loose threads. A good cut & even stitching denote higher quality. Loose threads don’t necessarily mean lower quality although if there are enough of them they might.

      Happy shopping & Congrats on paying off your student loans!!

    5. kas*

      I buy most of my clothes from Aritzia and I find it depends on the brand. Their Babaton and Wilfred brands last long for me. I’m not a fan of Wilfred Free though, only lasts me a few months usually.

  100. smelly anon :(*

    Super late and kind of NSFW, but: I have extremely smelly farts, and I’m wondering if anyone has suggestions for foods I should definitely NOT eat or definitely DO eat to try to make my farts less smelly. Ideally something to add to my diet would be better than removing something.

    I don’t have any gastrointestinal distress or issues with pooping, and I don’t seem to have any allergies either. I don’t have any symptoms of actual suffering…. my farts just smell awful and I’m super self-conscious about it when I’m around other people.

    1. fposte*

      Ah, aren’t guts fun?

      There are a couple of considerations here. One is short-term dietary one, where some stuff just is smellier than other stuff; the other is the longer-term gut bacteria one, where one can cultivate a population that run to the hydrogen sulfide end of things, which may be what’s going on with you.

      I’m putting a link in followup to an article that nicely breaks down possible foods to try and foods to avoid based on recent research.

    2. Stephanie*

      Broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, and brussels sprouts are all pretty notorious for making you gassy. If you’re cooking dried beans, make sure you soak them before you cook.

    3. Probiotics advocate*

      Take probiotics! HIGH QUALITY probiotics, i.e. not Trader Joe’s brand. My favorite are Jarrow brand, especially the refrigerated kind with FOS (which are pre-biotics added to feed the probiotics). Take them regularly and religiously! Most good quality probiotics are refrigerated, but there are exceptions. Also, they are not cheap, but you don’t need the priciest kind either.
      Also, a lot of the stuff regarding what causes this sort of thing are individual. If you are able to consult with a nutritionist (not a dietician, but a someone with a more holistic approach), that could help.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Just a shot in the dark because I really don’t know. But I would read up on digestive enzymes and/or yogurt to see if those might help.

    5. PX*

      In the theme of what others have said, its hard to know without knowing what your existing diet is, but the usual suspects would probably be many green leafy vegetables and beans. However, I would caveat that with the fact that sometimes its just familiarity, and if you ate all of those things regularly, your body might adjust.

      I would second the idea of seeing if some ‘new’ gut bacteria might help; I’ve done this a few times when my stomach seemed especially sensitive or upset, basically add some pro-biotic yoghurt to your diet. Anything with live cultures (the brand I immediately leap to is Activia, I’m sure others are available/better) might be worth a shot.

    6. JKP*

      2nd other posters’ advice on probiotics.

      Chlorophyll. My dad always had smelly farts and my mom would yell at him when he did one nearby because it was horrendous. I read something about chlorophyll helping, and he tried it, and magic. Smell gone (although I’m sure he’s still farting). When he forgets to take them, the smell returns and my mom makes him start taking them again. We just pick up Chlorophyll capsules at the Vitamin Shoppe, and they’re labeled “Internal Deodorant.”

  101. suffering*

    Has anyone here overcome a compulsive eating disorder? I am not looking for those who overeat here and there, or have really bad cravings, or something like that. I am looking for stories of those who eat obsessively and compulsively, as in it takes over their life.

    1. NYCer*

      The more you give yourself permission to have what you want, the more your compulsions will dissipate. They might get bigger at first because you’re not trying to control it anymore, but it will quickly wane. Remove the guilt and shame and anger and tell yourself it’s ok. It’s ok to eat what you want. You love yourself. It’s ok to eat everything. Do it, and ENJOY it. Give yourself permission to binge, but ENJOY it the whole time. You won’t have this problem anymore.

      1. First time buyer*

        That seems like really bad advice.

        Are you in any way qualified to offer that opinion, frankly I’m horrified by this comment

        2. binges*

          Have you suffered from compulsive eating? This is not an out there comment, it’s one of the often suggested strategies.

          I did this (gave myself to eat) and yes I was eating too much but for the first time in my life I was not binging but eating 3 meals a day. It was such an enormous relief. That was the first step. Ultimately, for me, it was about figuring out what was happening in terms of my feelings, and finding new ways to cope with those feelings. Being able to stop and figure out what is happening while having a craving is super hard. I worked with a therapist. Food was my best and most reliable friend and I really believe it helped me survive my childhood, until it “turned on me” so to speak. It had outgrown its usefulness.

    2. Casuan*

      Suffering, I’m sorry, I don’t.
      Your username really tugs at me; please know that you’ll be in my thoughts as you find the information you need.
      Hang in there one step at a time!!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Is there a hole in your life somewhere? That is the big picture question.

      Do you drink water? Thirst will masquerade as hunger or desire to graze

      Are you around any strong chemicals either man-made or natural? I had a time in my life were I ate at every possible moment. I was eating at least 4k calories a day and losing weight at 5 pounds a week. It was freakin’ scary.
      It took a while to figure out but I was working around pesticides, herbicides and that stuff. Once I left the job, the marathon eating stopped also. And the weight loss stopped too. Most of those things are banned now.

      A dear person in my life has often commented that when she was on a particular script she could not stop eating. Same idea but different script, my husband would eat enough for three people once he was put on a particular insulin. I had to keep a full dinner in the fridge because he needed it at 2 am. He stopped taking the insulin and he food consumption went back to normal.

      Was there a time in life where you did not have this going on? IF yes, what changed between then and now.

      1. NYCer*

        Very well thought-out reply. Yes, when I had the same problem, food was the only exciting thing in my life. The only thing I looked forward to. I had to adjust my mindset first.

    4. fposte*

      Suffering, I also see that Overeaters Anonymous has online forums called OA Lifeline; you might get more targeted insights there.

    5. Yetanotherjennifer*

      The fat nutritionist has some great posts about permission and eating. She’s not posted anything new in a long while but her archives are still there and she is so worth reading.

  102. Kristina S*

    I am teaching myself how to crochet. Thanks to YouTube! It’s definitely a process! So far I am just practicing. I can get a single crochet but then I get stuck. I have a bunch of yarn all over the place. Lol!
    Any tips/tricks?

    1. HannahS*

      Learning how to do the first row is the hardest! After that, it’s easier to see where the hook should go. My mistake when I learned was misunderstanding/miscounting turning chains and I’d wind up with a piece that got narrower and narrower…but this was before youtube, so just pay attention to that part of the tutorial!

      1. Dr. KMnO4*

        Ah, yes, the trapezoidal projects. I definitely had my fair share of those. I second the YouTube referrals, as I still look things up to make sure I’m doing the stitches correctly.

      2. Kristina S*

        Thanks! I am very thankful for having YouTube, you can learn just about anything there! I tried learning to knit before YouTube or even the internet was a thing and it was a disaster!

        I hold my yarn differently (and weird) compared to how it’s taught but it works! Lol!

        I will be happy once I get past a single crochet. Turning my work is where I am getting stuck. Glad that yarn is inexpensive. :-)

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I decided that my first piece was my screw-up piece. I was just going to do it. I took all my ugly scrap yarn and decided to make an afghan for my car. I made an extremely long chain. Getting that first row on was NOT fun. But once I got the first row done, subsequent rows were much easier and I got a feel for what I was doing.

      The supposedly square afghan looked more like a trapezoid when I finished. The ugly yarn did not make it more attractive. I put it in my car. The darn thing wore like iron, I must have used it for 25 years. I could not kill it no matter what I did. I finally threw it out a couple years ago.

      You have been working with YouTube. You might want to change your teaching source. Maybe if you tried reading it from a book with still photos or drawings it would be slower and make a little more sense. I think crocheting is one of the most awkward needle arts to learn. However, I have not yet tried tatting. So there is that.

      1. Kristina S*

        Haha! On the afghan for your car! I want to make a blanket for my dog. That’ll be my “screw-up” piece. You have inspired me!

        I may try a book. I have a Half-price Books by my work and I am sure they have tons of books on it. There is also a Goodwill next door. I just have to watch myself at both those stores, I can spend a lot of money there. Hehe!

    3. Colette*

      Double crochet isn’t much harder than single, and there’s a lot you can do with just those three stitches (single, double, chain). The hardest part is actually getting your tension consistent. I recommend practicing on dishclothes – they’re small and if they’re not perfect, it doesn’t really matter. (Use cotton or another absorbent wool).

      What kind of stitches are you struggling with?

    4. Grace Carrow*

      Make granny squares. great for using up small amounts of yarn, and for learning techniques and stitches. You can use them for cushions, a scarf, an afghan, even garments. Search on Pinterest for inspiration. There are plenty of pattterns for the squares on the internet.

  103. Aspie*

    I have Aspergers. My roommates hate me. They’re kicking me out after only a month because of things I “should’ve” known, but didn’t until they decided they’d had it.

    Moving out is obviously the best option. I’m not trying to convince them to be my friends. But I don’t know what to do about the bullying. Apparently they’ve been bullying me for a month, but I wasn’t aware of it; my roommate literally had to tell me that that’s what she was doing. They told me they’re afraid of me. I heard them talking about me in the living room, saying I’m so weird.

    I tried taking to them. I said, look, I know living with someone with autism is hard. It can be frustrating. I don’t know what you’re feeling, but I’ll be gone soon.

    I don’t know what to do in the meantime. Anything I do is a trigger for them. I cooked some vegetables, and they freaked out bc “these apartments are only made for light cooking.” I get it. They’re afraid so it’s not about what I do; anything will validate how they feel.

    I feel so paralyzed. I have things I need to do, but I feel like I can’t move.

    2. The New Wanderer*

      I don’t have Aspergers, but I have also missed the point when someone tried to pull passive-aggressive or bullying stuff on me. Those people are just bad at it, which should be kind of a relief for you. If they were good at bullying, you would likely be miserable. Also, apartments only made for light cooking is not a thing – if there’s a kitchen area, you can cook. As Alison would say, you’re living with loons. If you can, try to frame it as their problem. You could assume anything you do will bother them, but you can’t not exist so it’s kind of on them to figure out a way to deal. They’re not being clear with their expectations so that is their issue.

      If you can afford it, I would suggest living on your own. If not, look for other roommates. Not everyone is weird or bad at confrontation or ready to interpret every behavior as a problem to be afraid of like your current roommates. You can do better.

    3. Casuan*

      Aspie, I’m so very sorry you have to deal with this.
      Know that this isn’t you, it’s them.

      People who don’t show empathy are not good people.
      At minimum, your roommates should understand that you have a condition that affects you in certain ways & it affects how you respond & socialise. If they’re not willing to do this basic courtesy then that’s on them & I tend to judge those people quite harshly.

      Ideally you could give your roommates some resources so they can learn about Aspergers & how it affects you. You can ask them if they’re willing to talk with you so you can understand what they’re thinking & so they can understand more about you as a person who happens to have Aspergers. If so, this should be a fact-based conversation, with questions, answers & comments… not a bully session. If you have someone you trust who can be there to help bridge any communication gaps or to help with comprehension, that might help. Or if your roommates want an outside friend to help them that would be okay, too.

      I know this would be out of everyone’s comfort zone & from what you said this might even make things worse. It’s one of those things that only you can judge. You’ve been trying to step way outside of your comfort zone to communicate & engage with them & that is amazing & admirable.

      Have they told you why they’re afraid of you? Or have you asked?
      If someone says “Sometimes you do this thing & that freaks me out” then you could respond with “Yeah, sometimes that happens & I’m not aware I’m doing it. When it happens please let me know in the moment.”

      If you don’t think a discussion is feasible, then I think you need to stop trying to engage with them other than basic pleasantries [Hi/Please/Thank you.]. Depending on the relationships you could even skip the pleasantries, not everyone uses them.

      I know that sounds counter-intuitive, especially when you’ve been trying to be nice, although from what you describe it seems that even if you say hi then you’re judged & ridiculed. I don’t know much about Aspergers although I do know that interactions can be extremely difficult & that I can’t even begin to grasp the extent of this.

      Just so you know, scenarios like this happen to everyone. I don’t mean this to minimise your situation, rather I hope it helps to know that others have experienced similar situations as you describe. Some people are just jerks & bullies. Also, you might have legit habits that bother your roommates- we all do!- however your roommates are behaving & reacting very rudely.

      Keep to yourself & get out of there as soon as you can.
      also remember:
      Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed to misunderstanding you.

      In the meantime, go do something nice for yourself.
      Please update us, Aspie. You’re in my thoughts!!

      1. Aspie*

        Thanks. They don’t seem interested in learning.

        This helps: Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed to misunderstanding you.

        Thanks for that. :-)

    4. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Are you in some sort of student housing? Because, yes some of those kitchens are designed for light cooking because they expect you to use the food service for most of your meals. But I hardly think cooking vegetables applies. More likely, your roommates are yet again acting like jerks. If you’re in university, ask for help from the student housing service. Even if you’re living in someplace not affiliated with the school, start there. And I’d wear my Aspergers like a badge if that’s what I needed to do to get help, but I don’t have that diagnosis so I understand if you’re not inclined to do that. Make sure to ask about your rights and responsibilities if your name is on the lease. Unfortunately, universities are notoriously short on housing, so it may be tough to find another place.

      If you’re not in school, you can talk to your area’s tennant’s rights organization. I don’t know much about them, but most areas have one. Start by googling on the city level, then county, then state until you find one that can help you. You could also start with your employer’s EAP if you have one. It’s not their typical request but you can sort of slot this into mental health. I’m sure a counselor would be happy to help you make a list of what needs to be done and figure out if you need lessons in how to be a better roommate. And again, make sure you know what it means if you have your name on the lease.

      I also think that you are freezing-up. The best known responses to danger are fight and flight, but there’s also freezing: essentially, playing dead until the danger has passed. It’s just as worthy a response and sometimes the wisest. The best thing for you is to get yourself out of there as quickly as possible. You’ll be better able to take care of yourself once you’re out of that crazy place. Find someone to help you make a checklist so you don’t have to think about what to do, you can just do it. Good luck!

      1. Aspie*

        I’m not in school we’re all around 30. I’ll try to find a shrink. Thanks for telling me about freezing.

      2. Casuan*

        Aspie, Yetanotherjennifer is correct that there’s fight, flight & freezing. Although I don’t quite think her definition of freezing is quite the same as the clinical definition (based on my limited understanding, usually freezing denotes inaction), I totally like how she applies it here.

        Therapy can help you to process your feelings & to help you with how to best respond to your roommates (“respond” can be verbal or simply walking away). If you don’t have a therapist, try to find one who can diagnose & treat ptsd because that might be a factor here… being bullied is traumatic, regardless of age. Also (if & only if you think this thought has merit) ask your therapist to be aware of if certain psychological symptoms could be overlooked because they’re wrongly interpreted to be part of Aspergers.

        In the meantime, what really helps me is to think through how I’ll respond to various scenarios. Kind of like doing a dress-rehearsal in my head.

        Aspie, you said you’re going to move? If so & if you need roommates, be very clear what you want the relationship to be. The good thing about your situation now is that you can use the experiences to vet future roommates & ask specific questions on how they respond to different things. Of course they can ask you the same types of questions. Just remember that any roommate comes with pros & cons & often we don’t understand what those are until we’ve committed to the situation.

        The last roomie I had seemed nice, had good references & turned out to be passive-aggressive-judgemental-egotistical not-nice person.
        Ugh!!
        I’d rather live in a studio alone than a larger place with even one semi-toxic roommate. Even if we weren’t to interact much, just the extra vibes would make it difficult for me to fully relax.
        Decide what you want & then go for it!!

    5. Elizabeth West*

      Ugh, I had roommates like this once. They turned on me because they wanted to move another friend in after I was gone and so they bullied me out of the house. They were jerks.

      I don’t know if this is why they’re doing it, but your roommates are acting like jerks.

  104. Victoria, Please*

    Recommendations for 1) a personal laptop, and 2) what to do with my current new-ish one which has turned out to be a total lemon?

    I have an Acer 2-in-1 less than a year old. It is so slow and clunky that it’s really unbearable to use. Battery life is, to put it mildly, short. I hate to pass a problem on to someone else, and at the same time it’s ridiculous to discard a new computer! What should I do with it, you think?

    I bought it for its fairly large screen and tablet functions. I tried a Dell 2-in-1, but the fan was SO LOUD (many people had complained about that). I’d rather not have another Apple; my work laptop is an Apple and of course it’s a dream of functionality. I don’t want to get sucked in further. Price is important but not critical.

    1. Stephanie*

      I have a Lenovo Yoga 910 and have been pretty happy with it. I can get anywhere from 8-12 hours of battery depending on what I’m doing (going without the charger for a day is fine). I cart it back and forth to school everyday and haven’t had any issues yet. Main drawbacks for me have been the weird keyboard layout (there’s a really tiny right shift key–I’ve gotten used to it now, but it took some getting used to) and the USB-C and charging ports are adjacent and I’ve mixed the two up. I would definitely opt for the i7 processor if it’s in your budget.

      I was also considering the HP Spectre, which seemed to get pretty good reviews.

      Re the old laptop, maybe donate it? If you’re within the warranty or return period at the original purchase location, maybe you could return it?

    2. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I think I’d put something like that in my studio to watch videos and look up tutorials. Would something like that work for you? It can stay plugged in all the time so you don’t have to worry about battery life.

    4. Anonymous Educator*

      I’d recommend a MacBook Air. If you buy them refurbished (from Apple directly), they’re a bit cheaper than the normal retail. Useful life for these is quite a long time. Still using mine from 2012, and it’s working just great.

  105. Fabulous*

    Did my taxes yesterday and I’m apparently getting $3,000 back this year. As opposed to $1 back last year. After paying off my credit card, I think I’m gonna put in hardwood floors in my house. I rarely make big purchases, this is already weird to think about!

    1. nep*

      That’s a nice chunk of change. Enjoy.
      On Thursday I gave my documents to an accountant friend who does my taxes — I’ll be interested to find out how it looks this year.

    2. kas*

      Nice! I pray my return is that much. I was shocked when I actually got money last year, a whole $30.

  106. Martha Heil*

    I;m having horrible anxiety and it’s really cramping my productivity. I work for a university so things are fairly relaxed, but I do have deadlines and I am a huge mess whenever I have to meet one. I’m getting therapy and meds for it. What else can I do?

    1. Casuan*

      What specifically is causing your anxiety?

      If it’s the deadlines & getting the work done, then:
      One step at a time.

      what works for me:
      To make a plan of what needs to get done within what time-frame. Even though I know I’ll need to alter the plan, just knowing that I have a plan helps. For bigger projects I like to use post-its on my big white board because I can move them around as needed. Then I focus on those projects. And I also need to remember the goal & how the tasks will meet that goal.
      The crucial aspects of my process?
      To keep in mind that there will always be a snafu & that I’ll need to adjust the tasks & maybe to reassess things. Also I need to remind myself that what matters is where I am *now.* It doesn’t matter that I haven’t done that thing, although it does matter that I need to do it now.
      Hope this helps!

  107. Merci Dee*

    I’m learning about the inner workings of the automotive insurance field the hard way.

    So, I was in a car wreck on Friday night. The traffic in front of me stopped short when someone driving down the interstate decided to cut over really fast into the exit lane. I stopped in time, but the car behind me didn’t. The impact knocked me into the car ahead. The drivers of the other two cars weren’t local — the car that hit me was from out of state, and the car ahead of me was from a different city about 80 miles away.

    Thankfully, the car ahead of me didn’t appear to sustain any damage, and the front end of my car looks okay (I have no idea what’s going on under the hood, so I’m borrowing a vehicle from my folks). My back bumper is trashed, and I had to get help to close my hatch hard enough to turn off the inner cabin lights. The car behind me had a crumpled hood, and all kind of fluids were pooled under the engine compartment and running off the side of the road. Their car wasn’t going anywhere.

    I’m in limbo right now. I called and filed a claim with my insurance on Friday night. Can’t take the car to a repair shop because they’re all closed on the weekends. So I have to call for an appointment tomorrow at a place that has an agreement with my insurance company on the costs charged for repairs. That’s not such a big deal. What is a big deal is that my insurance company hasn’t been able to reach either of the drivers in the other cars. Nobody’s responding to the messages that the claims department has been leaving. The guy who hit me uses the same insurance company that I do, so this could all be handled relatively easily if he would just talk to the claims department.

    I keep trying to take a deep breath and calm down. We’re only talking two days since the accident, and it’s been a weekend at that. But it just sucks having to deal with all this, and I wish I could just move forward and find out where I stand. At this point, I don’t even know what shape my car’s in. The engine was okay enough to get me from the accident location back home, but I noticed that my seat was in a different location – lower than I usually sit, further back from the steering wheel, and tilted back on an angle that my seat is not designed for (not just the back of the seat leaned backward some, but the base of the seat where your butt rests was tilted).

    Good points in all this: 1) nobody in any of the vehicles seemed to be seriously injured. My knees got banged up against the console, and the back of my left arm got smashed into the door, but otherwise I’m fine. 2) My daughter wasn’t in the car with me. That’s what I’m most grateful for. 3) My parents are amazing. My dad is willing to take my car to the body shop tomorrow so I won’t have to take time off work.

    Needless to say, this has not been a good weekend for me.

    1. fposte*

      Glad you’re okay, Merci Dee; those middle-car-in-the-sandwich accidents are scary. I think a slow resolution is pretty common in these situations, unfortunately; you can, in most states, also claim from your own insurance and they’ll subrogate, but it’s better to see if you can get it covered on the other driver first.

      1. Merci Dee*

        When my daughter found out about the accident, she said I was like the meat in the taco.

        I’m lucky that the guy who rear-ended me and I have the same insurance company. I know that’ll help move things along, but it’ll still take some time. In the meantime, I’m driving my dad’s Ford F150, otherwise known as the land yacht. It’s much larger than my Kia Soul, and much harder to maneuver. But I’m grateful to have some sort of transportation at all.

        1. anon24*

          You should be able to get a rental, paid under the insurance policy of the guy who hit you. When I was rear ended the insurance company gave my all kinds of BS, saying they couldn’t give me a rental because my car still technically drove. They refused to budge, even after I repeatedly pointed out that while it “moved” it was not legal to drive in its condition and I could get into deep trouble for doing so. I spoke to a claims adjuster I knew who worked for a different insurance company and he told me that by law (state law maybe, so may not apply for you, look it up) they were required to give me a rental the day after the accident. This was a week after the accident after I called him in desperation to get some help dealing with the situation.

          They also tried to drag out everything by not returning my calls and tried to screw me over with a few other things, but 18 year old me did something I never do and called them screaming and cursing and reminded them that I had the legal right to sue and would be more than happy to if they didn’t start following the law. Amazingly I got my rental the next day and the go ahead to fix my car ;) May you have better luck!

    2. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I’m glad you’re ok! This slow response might not be a bad thing. Sometimes the low speed accidents are harder on a body than the fast ones. Keep an eye out for any unusual aches and pains and be sure to get them checked out.

    3. LAM*

      Glad everyone was ok! Insurance companies from my experience just seem to move slowly in general. My accident was Monday and the insurance company was just taking possession of the car from the police lot on Friday. I’ll be lucky if I get a call by Wednesday.

    4. Book Lover*

      I am glad everyone is ok! One thing perhaps I missed in your post – is there a police report? Because that is typically required. Once you have all the information including the police report, the insurance company takes care of everything and you don’t really need to do anything. If for some reason there isn’t one, you should probably call the police now, though I am not sure if they can do a report after the fact.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        AND check on this: Having the vehicle towed to safety may be covered under the hitter’s insurance also. It is up to you as the insured to protect the vehicle from further damage. Of course this is to save the insurance company more money.

      2. Merci Dee*

        I called the police and they came out to the scene to take info. The report usually takes 3 to 5 business days to process, so it’ll be ready in the middle of the week.

        I talked to the claims department today and asked if providing the police report would help move things along, and she told me no. Said that they needed info from the other drivers to finish investigating the claim, and that the police report wasn’t sufficient because the cops weren’t there at the time of the collision to determine what happened. But this sounds like total crap to me. The cop asked me what happened, so he had to have asked the other drivers. All that info would be included in the final report. I think the insurance company is doing a whole bunch of CYA in this case since they represent 2 of the 3 damaged parties. I’m sure they’re doing everything they can to make sure they’re not tangled up in a lawsuit with the driver they ultimately find at fault.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      These things do not go fast. So yes, deep breath time. I have everything from a 3 week wait to a several month wait.

      As far as these folks not answering their phones, they will probably call the insurance company when the company cancels their policy or other drastic measure. I am sure the adjuster is not worried about hearing back from people. My husband used to adjust, there are ways of tracking reluctant folks down.

      Google the state agency that covers insurance practices for your state. Have that contact info handy and know how to find the page where you can send them a message.
      IF, big if, you are 100% certain that they are dragging their heals and making up bs, tell the insurance company you are going to call the state office for insurance.
      My husband always said he was told to settle quickly because if you wait long enough people figure out they have whiplash and other problems. Yet another of the 100 reasons why he left the field. You want to make sure the mechanic thoroughly checks your car. My people, who I trust beyond measure, missed a broken fan. They found it long after the settlement. (One of the blades looked like someone took a bite out of it. Got lucky. My husband carved an equal amount out of the opposing fan blade and the fan worked for the rest of the time i had my car.)

  108. Michaela*

    I know it’s Sunday, but I need to word-vomit about this: My roommates aren’t happy with how I clean. I’ve known this for a while, and I have been trying to do better, but I’ve been sick for the past two weeks, to the point where keeping myself fed has been a major triumph, and now they want to have a meeting, and I am sick with anxiety over it. I don’t want to have to move, I don’t want to feel drowned in shame in my own home, I offered to cover the cost of a cleaning person once a month last time we talked about this and apparently that won’t solve the day-to-day problem (I can’t afford it every week but I could dredge up once a month), and I just — I hate this I hate this I hate this.

    1. fposte*

      Oh, that’s stressful; I’m sorry. I hope you’re feeling better and you find a good solution with your roommates.

    2. IntoTheSarchasm*

      Could you maybe offer to take on some other tasks in exchange for cleaning? You might have to be creative to come up with something that will compensate but it is possible you could reach an agreement.

    3. Betsy*

      Ugh. I feel you on this. I’ve lived in so many sharehouses over the years. It’s not *necessarily* you. In one house I took particular care with cleaning because I knew a housemate was a a neat freak, and she still completely went off at me and my other housemate (even though both of us had just been away for a week, and I had cleaned the whole house before I left). I’ve also lived in houses that were truly gross. It might be a good idea to talk to friends and try to figure out how much cleaning is seen as reasonable for most people, just to see if you are actually not pulling your weight (and it’s understandable if this has been the case since you’ve been sick). I mean, what people do in general probably wouldn’t persuade your housemates to change, but it might be of some comfort to you if, for example, they expect the bathroom to be cleaned and the house floors to be mopped every day, but most other people you talk to say they only mop the floors and clean the bathroom once a week.

  109. nep*

    Where do you buy used books when you’re looking for one in particular? (Seeking used to save a bit of money.) Barnes & Noble online sends me to a ‘marketplace’ — source of used and new. I reckon any site would lead to a similar list? (I don’t use Amazon anymore.)

  110. Woodswoman*

    A couple good sites for mail-order used books are Alibris and Powell’s. I always start with Powell’s because they’re a cool family-owned business in Portland, Oregon and if they don’t have it, then I go to Alibris.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Love Powells. If I need several books, they usually have all of them and I can order from one place.

  111. Effie, who can't hear her insecurities, because she's busy dancing*

    I competed this week and placed near the bottom of my division. I’m kinda bummed. I worked really hard and the judges just didn’t like it/they liked everyone else’s pieces better. That’s life with creative competitions.

    Consoling myself with fried foods. Also my division was bloated with sandbaggers, people who really should have been in a higher division and chose this one because they wanted to win. And they did! So… I was tempted but I don’t like doing that. And I wasn’t competing to win, I was competing to challenge myself and get a good professional live recording. I didn’t read up on judging criteria, I didn’t tailor my piece based on “what will the judges think?” I created a lovely piece that’s very “me” and performed it well.

    I’m not a very strong performer when it comes to stage performances (I’m great in intimate settings). So I’m easy to overlook. My piece was clean and smooth and I played to the audience. I’m just not as happy as I could be because when I walked off the stage my thought was “it was good, I could have done better” even though it was the best I’d ever performed that piece compared with practice.

    Further complicating my feelings are the fact that a good friend of mine competed also (different division) and she won first place. She’s very naturally talented and these things come very effortlessly for her. Super proud of her and also envious. She did so well!! I’m so excited for her!! She’s one of my best friends!! And my cold little black heart is envious. I’m going to experience these feelings and then move on. She absolutely deserves her win and her performance was divine. And no, she wasn’t a sandbagger. She competed at her level and won based on her own merit.

    I guess I just wish I could have been judged against other people on my level instead of a mix of amateurs and semi-pros. But that’s life. The competition organizer has rules in place but it’s so subjective.

    I’m glad I have the space to have a private little weep/emotional dump and let it all go.

    Hugs to anyone who read this far!

    1. Merci Dee*

      I’m totally in awe that you took part in this competition! Just the fact that you were willing to get up there was a win. I’m so thrilled for you!

    2. Reba*

      Effie, performing arts are so weird. Sharing personal work is so weird. Competitions are so weird.

      I never feel as happy as I could be about work I show/turn in/whatever. I know I’ve never performed a piece of music as well for an audience as I have for myself. At the same time there is something unique that happens with audiences that just makes it a different beast than rehearsal. And that emotional tenor stays with you for a while. (I think that’s why even though you have written this intellectualized assessment of what you did, you *also* have this emotional response going on–the whole experience is heightened.)

      I’m proud of you for going into competition! That’s wonderful.

      And I’m betting that given a little (or more) time, you’ll look back on this and think, huh, that was pretty great! That’s how I often feel now about works that, at the time I did them, made me feel sort of embarrassed or disappointed.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I thought the same in college, I was not writing what I believed, I was writing what the prof wanted me to regurgitate. It can feel like we are doing things someone else’s way in order to achieve something. One semi-helpful thing I have found is to try to understand why the person (people) want x or y or z. Sometimes the answer is because that is what is in vogue at the moment. So not a satisfying answer at all but still an answer.

      Celebrate your ability to think out side of the box, to color outside the lines. Also realize that comes with a price. We don’t get what we were aiming for sometimes. I remember writing a business solution for MacDonalds for one class. I said that McDonalds needed to get healthier foods to remain competitive. I got a C on that paper, the prof went out of his way to tell me that my idea was stupid. The next thing that happened was MacDonalds started looking at healthier foods. My satisfaction in all this is that I actually understood what was needed. If I look for my former prof to be satisfied I will come up empty.

      I have a friend who says her ideas are about ten years ahead of everyone else. This could be YOU. You might have ideas now that people will grasp in a decade or so. This sucks at the moment but in years to come people will admire your foresight.

      Last. What is courage? Sometimes courage can be going up against people who are way sharper than us and still following through on what we set out to do. Let the sharp people sharpen you. Copy the best of their best. When I go to the store to get apples, I try to find the nicest apples in the bin. We can do the same thing in life, we can pick the best people to emulate. Know your turn will come, future newbies will look at you and copy you. So it goes.

  112. The Person from the Resume*

    Tonight’s post Super Bowl This is Us is so anti-climatic. Nothing has been surprising because we’ve seen many of these scenes before or we knew what would have been because they advertised that this was the episode that they reveal how Jack died.

    I think they dragged this out a bit too long.

  113. Forking Great Username*

    Just found out that I have a snow day tomorrow and wow, somehow this is way more exciting as a teacher than I remember it being when I was a kid, haha!

  115. Tipcat*

    I just read through all the comments without my computer freezing a single time. Before today, it would freeze *on this site only* every 5 minutes or so. Alison, whatever you’re doing to work out your problems with ads, it is working for me.

  116. Kali*

    Shoutout to JulestheFirst and LibbyG, who recommended some excellent study resources last week. I’ve read the book and watched the videos, and both are helping me feel more in control this semester. I’m working on my biggest project so far – a 9 page literature review – and it’s all very overwhelming, but I’m definitely figuring out how to do things better so the next one will be much easier. I’ve also stopped trying to write notes to revise from during lectures; my university records all lectures and uploads the ppt/pdf files, and I always end up getting the details from those anyway. I’m using the lectures to understand the big picture and note down study questions instead, which will slowly build up into revision quizzes for later in the year.

  117. Student*

    Just saw the big hubbub about Lady Doritos, and having deeply mixed feelings about it.

    I am female and I eat Doritos for lunch nearly every day at work.

    On multiple occasions, I’ve actually wished I could get Doritos with all the specific features that the CEO listed. Less powder on my fingers? Yes, please. Less noisy when I eat them? Yes. Smaller portion sizes? Yes, though I’m not concerned about keeping them in my purse, but with limiting my portion size.

    Some (most? all?) of that is rooted in gendered stereotyping. I do find myself wishing my lunch made less noise, so that less people noticed I was eating Doritos again for lunch. I am uncomfortable licking my fingers in public, and slightly annoyed I need to go wash my hands after lunch. I find the powder-on-the-fingers to be a deeply annoying trait of Doritos that I would be happy to see go away if they can keep most of the taste in a different way. I am trying to lose weight, for my health and for my appearance (no advice needed or welcomed from the peanut gallery on what I should eat for lunch other than Doritos, thanks, I’m aware of my other lunch options). But, despite the gendered stereotyping involved, I do actually want these things in Doritos, and don’t feel Doritos responding to that desire is perpetuating the stereotyping as much as responding to different preferences. I was more surprised by the idea that men might like having that annoying powder on their fingers than I was by the idea that women would dislike it; when I first heard it, I though that would be more universally appealing common sense.

    Aside – men, do you actually have a strong preference for noisy, messy snacks being noisy and messy? I always assumed the messy, noisy bit was a side-effect in everything but, say, Pop Rocks and children’s blue suckers. I’ve always associated that kind of preference with, well, children, not adult men. I don’t see a guy in the next office crunching something loudly, covered in orange powder, and admire his lumberjack manliness – though I might think he comes off as an immature frat bro if he plays it up.

    I also get lots of comments from people about me eating Doritos for lunch every day. Lots of sexist comments. About my diet, my weight, my fiscal (ir)responsibility. I’ve been told to hide my lunch from various touring VIPs and teased about it a lot. I mostly let it roll off my back, but I recognize what it is. I wonder, when I see the opinion articles criticizing the CEO who made the remarks about Lady Doritos, if any of those opinion writers condemning her actually eat Doritos? I wish instead the avalanche of opinion writers would tell off people for criticizing their co-worker’s lunches. And I wonder, genuinely, why men who like Doritos wouldn’t want a product like the one described, too (as an option along with Normal {Manly? Boyish? Bro-ritos?} Doritos).

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