weekend free-for-all – February 24-25, 2018

by Alison Green on February 24, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Asymmetry, by Lisa Halliday. It’s hard to talk about this without spoiling it, but it’s two seemingly disparate stories that may surprise you in how they’re connected. It’s beautifully done and I loved it.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Full Speed Ahead*

    took a quick trip to Charlettesville Va to look at UVA with my daughter. Can’t believe how much looking at colleges has changed in the past 34 year since I did it!

      1. Full Speed Ahead*

        It’s such a bigger deal now. Colleges are so expensive, kids apply to many more at a time (there is now a Common App, which I didn’t have) and it’s just a lot more competitive to get in to pretty much every school.

        1. Triplestep*

          I remember thinking the same thing in the past ten years with my two kids (one of whom is about to graduate).

          You didn’t ask, but here’s a tip I give to anyone I know who is in this process: Another thing that’s changed since we were applying to college is the data available online, most notably collegeboard dot org. Pay attention to the percentage of the student body that is involved in Greek Life *even if your kid is not interested in Greek Life!*

          We didn’t give this much thought – neither of us had been involved in Greek Life, and our daughter was not interested in joining a sorority. But she has found being on a campus where 25% of the students DO pledge to be overwhelming. She felt that Greek Life pervades everything social, and it has really impacted her college experience.

          This had been her first choice school, and we really liked it for her academically. And even though she likes her department (it’s run by “bad ass women” according to her) and eventually found friends, I believe she will always think of herself as having hated her school.

          1. ThatGirl*

            I went to a small midwestern college where 75% of the students are greek and even though I had an overall good experience it definitely was The Thing social lives often rotated around.

            1. Lady Russell's Turban*

              I may have been accepted to that same college with a full ride academic scholarship. My dad, especially, was soooo excited. I did two visits and was so turned off by the Greek life thing that I said, nope, not for me, and attended another small, Midwestern liberal arts college whose by-laws don’t permit sororities and fraternities. Much better choice for me, if not my wallet.

              My nephew went to UVA and ended up joining a fraternity despite his initial doubts and his parents’ misgivings. He did it for social reasons because he was given enough guff by classmates his freshman year for being a northern, liberal atheist. It ended up being a good experience for him

              1. ThatGirl*

                Was it in a cornfield in Indiana?

                I honestly had a great experience there but it was in spite of the Greek system, not because of it.

          2. Artemesia*

            Terrific advice. Greek life really dominates where it is a big deal and it means a lot of heavy drinking starting Thursday of every week and makes it harder for students who don’t want a Greek experience as it sort of pushes out other social options. Greek life is IMHO a lot more pernicious than it was 50 years ago; there has always been binge drinking for frat boys but the degree to which this now dominates Greek culture is dramatically worse in my observation.

            1. Phillipa*

              Cannot agree with this enough. About 25% of students at my undergrad were Greek, and it seemed like that seeped into every aspect of campus culture, from student senate (where students hoping to be elected only had a shot if they belonged to a house) to assault. As someone who had no interest in joining, the culture inconvenienced me at best and was generally frustrating.

              1. Jill*

                I went to the school which, at least at that time, had the largest Greek system in the country. I’d say about a third of the students were in a house, but it didn’t have any negative effect on those of us that weren’t.

            2. Triple Anon*

              It seems to get worse when they raise the drinking age or get stricter about enforcing it. There’s an, “I can flaut the law because I come from a good family, go to a good school, and have my Greek siblings with me,” sort of mentality to it.

              I hope that wasn’t too political. If so, I’ll understand if it has to be deleted.

        2. Jill*

          The U.S. News rankings are the biggest reason for the increased competition. Acceptance rate is a big factor, so the schools have made a huge effort to increase their number of applications so they can have a lower acceptance rate.

          The top-tier schools are much more competitive now, but there are plenty of second-tier schools that are trying hard to attract good students and are willing to give them quite a bit of aid.

        3. Blue_eyes*

          Keep in mind that a lot of the very low acceptance rates are artificially inflated by students applying to many, many colleges. The actual number of college spots relative to students applying isn’t all that different than in the past.

          1. Mela*

            Yes, this is so true. Being wait-listed means you very well may get a spot, because a lot of applicants are going to decline their spot. Not making this explicitly clear to students artificially raises stress levels.

      2. the gold digger*

        I don’t have children, but I have watched my friend do this. Just the facts that

        1. the parents are so involved and
        2. they actually visit schools

        is so bizarre to me.

        I researched colleges on my own. Wrote to three of them to get their applications. Applied to one early decision and, upon being accepted, decided I would go there. My mom and I finally visited the campus after I was accepted, but if the visit had involved more than a four-hour drive from San Antonio to Houston, I doubt it would have happened.

        My parents filled out the US financial aid form and that was the extent of their involvement. They didn’t even know about the SATs – I took those because my counselor told me to.

        1. Jill*

          On #2, visiting schools is nothing new. 30 years ago when my brother and I were in HS, we visited every college either of us applied to.

          The big difference I see is the number of schools kids apply to. I don’t recall anyone I knew applying to more than 4 or 5. There was a reach school, two or three that you figured you had a good chance of getting in, and a safety. Now it seems everyone applies to 10 or 12. My step-nephew applied to 19.

          Parents are more involved now because the application process is more cumbersome. As you said, in our day, we called or wrote to get the paper applications, filled them out, and sent them back. It’s all online now so it should be easier, but there are so many more little steps you need to do and it’s easy to miss something. I have a friend who is a college professor and her son is a senior near the top of his class, and she said he needed help navigating through it all.

          1. the gold digger*

            Maybe it’s just my demographic, but I didn’t know anyone in high school (I graduated in 1981) who toured colleges.

            And I applied early decision to my college because it was free to apply to that school. I was very relieved to be accepted because I didn’t want to pay application fees for other schools.

            1. Falling Diphthong*

              I graduated high school in ’86, and toured several colleges. So did my same-age husband, and I would say it was the norm in our group of college friends.

              I am involved in my kids visiting schools in the sense that they are too young to drive themselves or independently afford many airline tickets. With the older that meant she came up with a list, we discussed feasibility, and she added a couple of schools based on our proposed driving route. With the younger there’s a bit more pushing because he’s much less military-commander-planning-a-tactical-assault-on-his-future than the older.

            2. Triplestep*

              I also graduated high school in ’81 and I only visited the schools to which I was accepted, which is how I did it with my kids. As pricey as the application fees are, road trips to visit schools are a lot more expensive. We just let them apply to as many as they wanted, and planned the visits once the verdicts were in!

            3. NJ Anon*

              I graduated high school in ’77. Did not visit any schools but lived near enough to the one i eventually went to that it wasn’t really necessary. I “only” applied to 3 schools.

          2. caledonia*

            In the UK, we use an online application system and you can only apply for 5 programmes at most* – some people unfortunately use all 5 choices at the same uni. I say unfortunately because sometimes they, for example, choose 5 courses within business which we only count as 1 therefore they have wasted 4 other choices. (I work in higher ed).

            * If they receive no offers they can apply again through “clearing” which is when uni’s offer their vacancies.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          It’s so foreign to me also. In the 70s I applied to two schools and got accepted at both. I picked one. My parents were not involved in the process at all. I think they had no clue and that is why. Anyway, I was shocked to see there was an application fee, I was pretty naive about the whole thing. Other stuff came up that puzzled me, too. A friend said that she would be accepted where ever she applied because of filling a quota. I remember thinking that I hoped our society could be less superficial and more concerned about actually encouraging people to grow and succeed.

        3. Gaia*

          Agreed. I graduated in 2003 and did everything myself. It was my education and therefore my responsibility. My cousins are graduating this year and they are also doing it all on their own. So are their friends. I think it is weird when parents are heavily involved like this.

        4. ZarinC*

          My daughter has applied for colleges this year and it’s so different from what I experienced. She attends a high school full of high-achievers (it’s public, but you have to be in the top 10% of the county academically to be admitted) and the average number of schools her peers applied to is 15. 15! My daughter couldn’t even think of 15 schools she would consider going to…so she applied to just 9. Even so, the application fees add up. She had me proofread her essays and I filled out the FAFSA (financial aid) application, but she did the rest of it herself.

          We did do some college touring last year over the summer, but it was part of our previously planned vacation. Her top two choices are both within an hour or two drive and one is my alma mater, so she has visited those campuses many times.

          1. Reba*

            Wow. I did 6 in 2003-2004 and that felt like a lot!

            I read that this trend of mass applying contributes to the exclusive top schools appearing even more so — they get flooded with applications so the acceptance rate goes lower and lower.

          2. Gingerblue*

            I can’t even imagine doing it these days. I was applying in 1996, and only had to do one, since I got into my first choice early admission; that was stressful enough. Fifteen! God.

        5. Trixie*

          A colleague takes her children to tour high schools and middle schools, whether or not there is any real choice available, to make them involved. Great but what happens when junior has to learn that we don’t always get what we want or that we have a selection to choose from?
          This colleague is also a bit of an obsessor/control freak, and then doesn’t understand why her high schooler is crushed by the smallest disappointments.

        6. Becky*

          I actually think it really depends on individual personality and socio-economic status and where exactly you are applying to.
          I graduated from high school in 2002 and my parents were next to nil in their involvement with my application process. If I needed information or signatures from them I asked, if I had wanted advice I would have asked but I was a very independent person.
          But visiting college campuses would not have been an option. My parents had very little money and considering almost all of the universities I wanted wanted to go to were out of state (and the one I did end up going to was 1500 miles away) it would have been too expensive a proposition. If I had wanted to go to a more local school, I guess I could have arranged a visit (even if it was just borrowing my parents car one day) but I doubt it would have crossed my mind, none of my friends or other siblings ever did college visits so it wasn’t a common thing in my area.

    2. Enough*

      I didn’t even do college visits. My son knew where he wanted to go and did early decision (parent’s alma mater) . Dad took older daughter on her college visits (the 3 colleges she applied to and had been accepted to). I took younger daughter on her visits. But these were a bit different as she was being recruited for soccer. So they were over nights and she met teammates and went to at least one class at each school. The youngest is the only one who had the common app and now that she’s applying to grad school wishes they had something like that.

      1. JamieS*

        I don’t really understand parents going on college visits in the first place. My POV is if a student is ready for college than they should be able to navigate the process (visits, applying to school, applying for aid, taking the ACT/SAT, etc.) solo with ideally some financial help from parents for test/application fees and of course their parents pertinent financial info for the aid applications.

        1. Kj*

          If a student is planning to go to a school far away, they might not be able to get there without parental help. And I always advise kids to visit schools- it is really important to get a sense of if you like it. A mistake is costly. Sure the kid should arrange the tour and an interview if offered, but they can’t do it all, especially the travel, without help. Presumably the parents are involved past the kid’s 18th birthday, parents should help. Expecting it to be done solo means most kids won’t go to college.

          1. JamieS*

            I agree parents should help financially if they can and I’m not saying the parents should write a blank check for visits and hope for the best or drop the kids off at a bus terminal with $3 and wish them good luck. They should still give their kid a budget, look over any travel plans, etc. However I think it should be the kid doing the actual work of planning and the parents approving/disapproving the plans. Basically teach the kids some independence while they’re still under the parents watch.

            I don’t think a student who can’t do those things should be going to college. At least not yet. After all their parents won’t be there to coddle them so they have to learn independence sooner than later and taking control of the college application process (particularly the planning aspect) is a great first step.

            1. Gingerblue*

              I disagree, and I do it as a college professor who is pretty fervently opposed to parental interference once the student leaves home and who thinks overparenting is a real ill. We’re talking about 16 year olds making life-changing decisions involving tens of thousands of dollars and critical, culturally-privileged years of their lives. I don’t disagree that the students should be actively involved in the search and application process–they absolutely should be. But there are so very, very many ways for a teen to fuck up their life, not even because they’re making bad decisions, but simply because they don’t have the life experience to ask the right questions. And the narrative that the student should be doing this independently fundamentally privileges upper and upper middle-class kids, who are more likely to have absorbed basic ideas of what you should look for in a college and how you go about that from their families, schools, and communities.

              When I was looking at colleges, it would not have occurred to me that colleges were ranked by outside bodies and that these rankings were a thing you could look up without parents and teachers telling us that. (Granted, this was in 1997; this info is easier to get these days.) If I knew it anyway, I wouldn’t have known what books to look for that info in or had access to a library to find them without parental help. I wouldn’t have known what questions to ask about financial aid or scholarships or student loans, or what the long-term repercussions of any of those things would be for my life; and if I knew those things, I wouldn’t truly have had a sense of the timescale involved in, say, paying back a loan–how can a 16 year old really have a gut sense of what that means for buying a house or getting a car loan a decade later? Greek life was so far off my radar it never occurred to me to wonder what that would do to the social and academic life of a school. I knew I’d rather go to a small college, but in retrospect I was making compromises about what programs were available compared to the resources of a large university. (It worked out well for me, but that was luck, not planning.) And so on. I was pretty involved in choosing a college and I think I did pretty well about it, but I was in no way prepared to navigate the entire process undirected. On reaching college I promptly rejected all forms of parental meddling and went on to a PhD and a career I like and a generally successful life, so I take issue with the idea that not magically knowing that WSJ college rankings were a thing made me a coddled waste of high school junior.

              Once they head off to college, let them deal with more of the paperwork and decisions independently–a good college will be set up to foster exactly that kind of burgeoning independence without allowing real disasters. The gap between high school and college, though, is full of pitfalls which can create serious problems for a young adult for years to come.

              1. JamieS*

                I’m glad it worked out for you but the expectation a parent will coddle their child (yes I consider it coddling and will argue the point to your dying breath) until college, drop their kid off for orientation, and the kid will suddenly thrive and be able to do for themselves isn’t realistic. Colleges won’t allow disasters? I’m not sure where you attended college or what college you work for but if either institution has figured out a way to prevent student failure I’d be very impressed. During my college years, I personally encountered more than a couple students who fell flat on their face mostly because they were never taught how to be independent prior to college. I’m very confident that isn’t some weird unique experience only I had.

                As an aside I’m wildly curious to know where you grew up that you wouldn’t have known how to get access to a library.

                1. Jules the Third*

                  You seem to be arguing that there’s no middle ground, it’s either ‘coddle’ or ‘throw them to the sharks’.

                  I’m going with Gingerblue on this one. Especially about the middle-class privilege. I did most of my own research and all my own applications for college, but my dad was a college professor, I’d visited most of the campuses I considered before I was 10.

                  As an aside, it’s not about access to a library, it’s about knowing there’s useful information relevant to college decisions inside one. If your family’s never gone to college, you might not.

                  You and your experiences are not universal.

                2. Kickin' Crab*

                  I’m also with Gingerblue. My parents are college-educated, though not in this country, and if it were not for my HS guidance counselor we wouldn’t have even known college visits were a thing. (In my parents’ home country, you just go to whatever college is in your district, and you continue to live with your parents until you’re married.) Still, they were able to provide some gentle guidance, particularly with respect to the financial implications of my decisions. I didn’t fully appreciate how privileged even that was until years later when I was teaching in a Saturday enrichment program for low-income teens — smart kids, committed parents, but there was good reason that the 11th grade curriculum was literally, “How to Apply to College,” including Spring Break college visits to several schools within driving distance.

                3. Gingerblue*

                  Okay, that’s a level of drama and deliberate misreading that makes it clear you’re not interested in engaging honestly.

                4. Jill*

                  I agree with Jules. You seem to consider anything other than “don’t help at all and let the kids figure it out on their own” to be coddling. There is a huge middle ground that you are completely ignoring.

                5. JamieS*

                  @Jules, I consider things like having them navigate the application process on their own with parental moderation to be the middle ground. I never said the parent shouldn’t intervene if necessary but I think the intervention should be “no don’t do that, think about what to do and we’ll discuss it”. Basically force the child to think for themselves instead of telling them what to do. I’d also argue your stance of the parent doing for the child to be a privileged stance because it gives kids with college educated parents a clear advantage over those without.

                  @Gingerblue I’m not sure what drama you’re referring to but I didn’t misread what you wrote. You clearly wrote colleges wouldn’t allow for disasters which in this context would mean wouldn’t allow students who aren’t ready for college to fail. Colleges clearly do allow students to fall flat on their face.

                  Also you’re the one equating my stance that the teen should fill out the applications and do solo college visits with buying a house years down the road. If that’s not being dramatic I don’t know what is.

        2. Teach*

          My son’s visit to a large Midwestern unit specifically invited parents – we had some side presentations while our kids had tours with students in their prospective majors. It was helpful – they talked to us about aid, how billing and meals work, campus safety and mental health resources, and a strong, consistent message to have our kids handle applications, housing, registration, etc!

              1. PB*

                This. They don’t tell this to the parents with the expectation that the parents will be managing their child’s life from afar. Parents have been with their kids since before they were born, and now they won’t be. They want to have some idea of how their kids will be living, what the campus looks like, what their day-to-day routine will be, and so forth. Like Gingerblue, I work in higher ed and I’m generally opposed to parental interference, but this all seems reasonable to me.

          2. Slippin' and slidin'*

            Same experience here in a different part of the country. Parents were actually *required* to attend an orientation session unless they lived >200 miles from the school. And in that session, they talked about FAFSA, about educational privacy laws and why they would not tell you your kid’s grades if you ask, about what to expect if you contacted a professor (to be told to talk to your student instead and to be told they wouldn’t answer questions) and they had someone from campus police come in to ask questions, and someone from the student health clinic to talk about what is available there – and focused on mental health. They encouraged parents to remind their kids that they could get free counseling there if the students were struggling with anxiety or depression.
            They said that *IF* the student granted them permission, there is a parental login you could get. It *only* allows parents to pay tuition. I know, because I have this login. I can see tuition and fees, and pay those, but I cannot see grades, schedules, email, what they have checked out from the library or anything else. And I am fine with that. Honestly, the only thing I would change is that I can’t get end of year tax statements myself and have to have my kid download it and email it to me, and, well, she’s flaky and that’s the last thing we are waiting on for filing taxes and has been for 3 weeks….if I pay the tuition, I’d like to be able to get the tax form showing that. But otherwise, I think that boundary is appropriate.
            I personally thought it was a waste of my time, and I didn’t like that I was required to do it (3 hour orientation, with an hour drive each way.) but I did appreciate the “Your kids are adults now, we don’t answer to you” approach.

    3. Artemesia*

      FWIW most places fill much of their freshman class with early admission applicants. Your odds, especially if you are on the cusp of acceptance, of getting in to the school you want are much higher if you go early admission. So if the student knows for sure they want X school, it is an approach worth taking. This is quite different than it was in their parents’ day.

      1. Babs*

        If money is a big concern, I think it’s important to differentiate between early acceptance and binding early decision. Some programs have binding early decision, where if you’re accepted you HAVE to attend. However, for families where money is going to be a deciding factor, it can be really helpful to have several different financial aid offers to compare. Sometimes, these things don’t work out the way you would think. I know several cases where going to an Ivy League school ended up cheaper than a state school!

        Early admission that’s nonbinding is fine, though. And obviously, having an acceptance early on can help with the stress in the process.

        1. Triplestep*

          I never understood this “HAVE TO” attend thing of binding decision. How can they force you to attend if you change your mind? Do they just bill you for the full tuition and then put it into collections if you refuse to pay it? (I know this might read as sarcastic, but I really do not understand!)

          3. Doodle*

            Many of the top tier schools share lists — if a student backs out of early decision at one of them, they will be auto rejected from all of the others. I know this because a close high school friend of mine had to take a year off and reapply: she got in early decision (binding) to, say, Wellesley, and then wanted to back out when she found out she also got into, say, Yale. No go. (Though she did get into Yale the second time also and attended.)

    4. Ree*

      My husband and I have talked about how difficult we found applying/looking at colleges and we graduated high school in 2001(him) and 2007(me).
      Neither of our four parents attended college and none of them(especially mine) encouraged/offered to visit colleges, help with applications(mine were shocked that I had to pay to apply and pretty much thought I was making that up) and mine didn’t pay for even my SAT or ACT test fees. We both ultimately ended up attending our local community college where I dropped out after two semesters due to cost and he graduated with an associates degree.
      He ended up returning to a state school to finish his bachelors degree in 2011 and I returned to finish my degree in 2016(and will be graduating this summer thanks to an accelerated program)
      I should add we both came from middle class families capable of encouraging and paying for application fees and college visits yet both our parents basically stopped parenting after age 16. I think we both would have gone to college and finished the first time if we’d been able to see another college besides our own local CC.
      All this to say:
      Parents, even if your kids don’t want your help, help in any way you can, even if just to bankroll parts of the whole process. I’m downright resentful that my parents didn’t seem to care and still don’t care/understand student loans and it’s frustrating more so as an adult than it was as a high school student.

      1. Betsy*

        I think it is especially important for kids who are first in their family to attend college to be able to access some kind of support. I agree that there’s so much you just don’t know about college if neither of your parents have been. In my case, I did everything myself, except my school took us on one trip to see a university and take some mock classes in one of the programs. Because that was all I knew about university, I ended up enrolling in that program, which didn’t end up to be a good fit.

        I ended up changing majors within that program, so it was all OK in the end. However, it would have been great if someone went through with me and just figured out basic stuff like what I liked and was good at, and which programs might lead to a successful career. I think, in retrospect, I would have been better suited to the Social Sciences, although I was not really aware of that at the time, and kind of floundered around changing majors until I settled on something that I liked. I also was the kind of kid who worried a lot about the future, so enrolling in something that had good job prospects and was quite practical probably would have helped alleviate some of that anxiety.

        1. Jessica WSVH*

          Agreed! My parents didn’t go to college and my high school didn’t have much in the way of guidance. I also floundered around changing majors feeling lost and eventually left without finishing after three years (finished later when I was much older). I started college in 1997 and did some of my own research, but in those days it consisted of grabbing brochures from a college fair. I ended up enrolling at the university one town over and I wonder if I would have ended up elsewhere if I had guidance of some kind.

    5. Full Speed Ahead*

      I know many of my generation and those until recently did everything on their own. But things really really have changed, and IMHO not for the better.

      I am not a helicopter parent. My daughter has plotted her course throughout High School and chosen the path she has wanted to take. But have you seen the cost of college these days? It will probably end of being between 40k -60 k PER YEAR, so 160k – 240k. And I have two kids, and somehow didn’t quite save that amount. So we will see how it all shakes out with college choices, acceptances, scholarships, grants, and loans, but I do think helping my daughter in this choice that could have decades long ramifications for student loans, is a good thing.

      Thanks for the advice about Greek life – and other things – I appreciate it.

      1. Natalie*

        I don’t think you need to plan for quite that much? The most expensive US college is $60K/year, that’s not anywhere close to the average!

        1. Kewlmom*

          Actually, when you include other required fees, books, etc, it can be significantly more. Just looked up my son’s alma mater online for 2017: Northwestern University Tuition Summary. Tuition and fees at Northwestern University are $49,047 USD without financial aid. With room, board, and other fees combined, total cost of attendance is $68,060 USD

          1. Natalie*

            Regardless, I’m talking about typical costs, not possible worst case scenarios. Private colleges’ average tuition is a fair bit lower than Northwestern and it’s an unusual student that pays full freight at a private college, in my experience. Public colleges (in or out of state) are obviously lower still.

            1. Jules the Third*

              Avg private school tuition: $35K (collegedata dot com), which with $15K cost of living / fees / etc = $50K/year. While Northwestern’s a good school, it’s not MIT, Harvard or Yale, so it’s not even a ‘worst case scenario’. California’s public schools are $30K/year (tuition + living), Texas’s are $25K; even though you’re technically right that it’s not as much as $60K / year, it’s still the most significant financial decision these kids have made in their lives.

              Full Speed Ahead is right, it is important for parents to help with this.

            2. Kewlmom*

              Well, you said “The most expensive US college is $60K/year…” which is not the case in my experience. That is all.

      2. The Grammarian*

        The school I attended, a state school in Louisiana, had significantly lower tuition per year. For the meal plan, books and materials, and tuition for an in-state undergrad, it is currently $17,519 (just tuition and fees is $8,854), and for an out-of-state undergrad, it is $22,355 (just tuition and fees is $13,690). It was lower than that when I attended (1999-2003, then 2004-2007 for grad school).

        State schools can provide good value, especially if your students works to get internships and makes use of student services (career services, tutoring centers, academic advisors, etc.–these folks not only help in their areas, but can also find work and scholarship opportunities for students). I worked in writing centers and taught for eight years, so I saw this up close and was one of those staff members who helped students with their scholarship essays, told them about student work opportunities, connected them with professors who could help them with their interests, and so on.

        1. The Grammarian*

          I will add also that I, along with many others in my college class, received full scholarships to this state school, and I only had one tiny loan after grad school that I paid off within a year of graduating. There is something to be said for not graduating with a huge amount of debt.

        2. Becky*

          At the university I attended, undergrad tuition is currently around $2,800 per semester (just tuition, fees and textbooks can vary by class but usually end up totaling less than $300 per semester). That’s about double what I paid when I started, but still nowhere near some schools. The other popular university in the area is about the same. The state university is about $3,500 per semester. The big name elite university a little farther north is about $8,000 per semester.

      3. Jill*

        If your daughter has selected good college prep classes completely on her own then you’re lucky. My son is a sophomore and if left to his own devices he would be taking the easiest classes possible to meet the graduation requirements with no understanding of what he needs to take to get into a good college. And by “good”, I mean a flagship state U, I’m not talking about Ivy league or anything like that. He has his sights set on a specific college and he didn’t realize that it would have specific admission requirements that are a bit above the HS graduation requirements.

        Some of us need to be more involved with our kids’ schooling because they need the guidance. Every kid is different. And just because one might need some extra parental involvement doesn’t mean he/she won’t be able to handle college.

        1. Full Speed Ahead*

          Yes, we got lucky with this first child – she’s very driven. The younger one sounds more like your son. She’s always done the least bit of work possible and doesn’t like to challenge herself. I’m sure we will be looking at a totally different set of colleges with her. And that’s ok.

          My daughters’ differences often have me believing in nature more than nurture.

    6. Kickin' Crab*

      I love Charlottesville! I was there for undergrad, many moons ago, and then returned for residency training. I almost took a faculty job at the med school but was seduced away by another academic medical center at the last minute. But C’ville is my heart’s home.

      For what it’s worth, even though UVa greek life is a definite presence, it’s totally possible to have a fulfilled social life without ever setting foot in a frat house. I lived in one of the residential colleges (Brown, aka the best) and made lifelong friends. We were all slightly eccentric and artsy and weird, and we loved each other for it.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      I did! (Well, it was 12:30 here). Well done to the Americans, but I feel terrible for the Canadians.

      1. Artemesia*

        the Canadians were not showing fabulous sportsmanship in their physical attempts to beat up on the Americans. Very ‘unCanadian’ of them. Glad to see the US team win this one.

        1. super anon*

          Almost all of the “physical attempts” would be legal in men’s hockey and in the NHL. For some reason checking isn’t allowed in women’s hockey at all.

          The Canadian team deserved the loss (we played pretty badly toward the end of the game, especially in OT), but it’s a bit much to say we deserved to lose due to checking that wouldn’t even make anyone bat an eye in Men’s hockey (especially when the American team was also being physical, it just wasn’t getting called by the refs most of the time).

          2. Artemesia*

            It’s okay in the game we aren’t playing isn’t a very convincing argument. Sort of like, ‘it is okay because I can smoke it in Colorado.’ A lot of poor sportsmanship.

            1. super anon*

              It’s almost like you didn’t read the second half of my comment.

              It’s not untoward to bring up the fact that body checking is totally fine (and encouraged!) in men’s hockey, because there isn’t a logical reason for it to be banned in women’s hockey. It’s especially ridiculous to claim we deserved to lose because the women engaged in behaviour that, again, is totally fine in the other gender’s game of hockey and is only banned for women because they’re women.

              I’m not even going to touch that absurd legal marijhuana strawman.

      2. TardyTardis*

        But now it’s the Canadian’s turn to keep Justin Bieber! See, there was a rumored bet going on four years ago that whoever lost the gold had to keep him, and the men lost to Canada back in 2014 in Sochi.

    2. Your Weird Uncle*

      I’m from a tiny town in Wisconsin where 3 of the US curlers are from (2 on the women’s team and 1 from the men’s) and we are so proud! My husband curls and apparently the curling club was open and broadcasting the game (we were too tired to go), and I’m certain there are a lot of hangovers to be had today. :)

    3. AngelicGamer aka that visually impaired peep*

      Me! For both. I’m in CST so it was a very late night for both curling and hockey. I feel bad for the Canadians and I’m not even mad about the one who took off the silver medal. She has a right to be what I like to call the angry!sad.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      Nope, did not stay up.
      I did watch a little curling for the first time ever. Hahahahaha omg that was hilarious. It’s totally a bar game, y’all. You will neeeeever ever convince me otherwise. :D

      But I do see that it takes some skill.

  3. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

    Englanders, especially Londoners: how much is your electric bill per month/3 months/whatever, and have you had any luck with getting them to lower your bill (and if so, how?)?

    I got my bill earlier this month for 3 months’ worth of electricity. I don’t have a meter (long story, but I genuinely don’t have one and won’t be getting one), the electric company is charging me their estimated rates.

    I was also out of the country for more than a month of this time. I spoke with them before I left and tried to see if there was anything they could do. They said that without a meter I was out of luck, so I was planning to eat the cost, which made me angry, but I already feel pretty taken advantage of here, so this was just more of that.

    But the bill is so much higher than I was expecting. Which is why I’m trying to calibrate my expectations to see if I’m being hideously overcharged or if things really are that expensive here–more than 500 pounds for (admittedly winter) 3 months. If it had been 200 or 300, I’d just eat the cost and grumble, but this is really going to be difficult for me.

    So is there anything I could do to try to convince them to lower what I have to pay, even just this one time because I was gone for so much of it? Like email them my plane ticket confirmation or anything like that?

    1. Cristina in England*

      I have a feeling that the long story behind why you have no meter may come into play here, would you mind sharing?

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Basically, my property management company doesn’t seem to believe I don’t have a meter. They’ve told me where it is. I’ve looked there. There’s no meter there. I can’t get them to come out and verify that there’s no meter, so I’m just going to assume that I’m going to continue to not have a meter.

        1. Jess*

          They don’t believe you because it would be unheard of for a self-contained flat to not have a meter. It might not be in the flat. It might be outside the building, or in a random cupboard in the common stairwell, or in the weirdest place imaginable, but you must have a meter somewhere…and if you can find it and give the utility company your proper readings, they will be able to give you a bill based on the energy you’ve used.

          1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

            Nope, they’ve told me exactly where it was and given me a key for it (I don’t have a key to the area where it is). I’ve gone and looked there. It is not there. I’ve shown them pictures of where my meter is not. At this point I don’t know what else I could do to get them to believe me short of, like, going to their office and physically dragging someone there.

            1. Ruby Shoes*

              Their records may be inaccurate, but there ought to be a meter SOMEWHERE on the property. Have you looked elsewhere? There are a lot of random places meters can be, including outside. Have you asked the power company to help locate it?

              I think finding the meter ought to be your priority here. Otherwise you are going to pay extortionate amounts for estimated bills on a regular basis and you really don’t have much comeback.

              1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

                It is really not there. I’ve looked everywhere. It’s not outside. It’s not in this weird wall cabinet I have where other electrical stuff is. It’s not in any of my closets. It’s not where the property manager said it would be. It’s not with the other meters (which is not where the property manager said mine would be). Unless it’s actually inside a neighbor’s apartment, it isn’t there. And two power companies (the one the previous tenant was using and the one I’m using) have both said they have no record of where the meter is.

                1. Jess*

                  Given you’ve already done all the searching for it, it sounds like it’s going to be a right pain to fix and as PX says downthread you’re going to have to make a fuss – I’d suggest both with the property management company and with the energy company sending you the ridiculous bills. I’ll attach some links in a reply – sorry you’re having to deal with this hassle.

                2. Jess*

                  Ofgem are the regulator – I don’t think you’d be able to get them involved right now, but if you’re not getting anywhere with the energy company a complaint to them can be helpful. Their website has a wealth of info and data too : https://www.ofgem.gov.uk/consumers/energy-guides

                  It would also be worth checking their typical consumption guides: https://www.ofgem.gov.uk/gas/retail-market/monitoring-data-and-statistics/typical-domestic-consumption-values

                  Uswitch is a switching website but gives estimates and is pretty well thought of: https://www.uswitch.com/

        2. Em Too*

          I’m no expert, but what happens if you ask the *company* to come out and find/read your meter? If no-one can find one, whose responsibility is it to put one in? I’d think you’d have a good case for a reduction as pretty certain it’s not your responsibility to measure it properly.

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      This is really hard to answer because I don’t know how they could possibly bill you correctly without a meter. Our bills are extremely low but are apparently about a quarter of the average – we pay around £50 a month for both gas and electricity. Every time we move we have an argument where they say it won’t be enough, but we’ve always persuaded them by giving meter readings. With estimated bills you can get any overpayments back once you have an accurate bill.

      I am struggling to advise without knowing why you don’t have a meter or can’t get one but would advise you to try talking to Citizens Advice in the first instance. Your bill does sound really high to me. Your supplier should also have some provision for people on low incomes and a priority register for people with disabilities and illnesses. If any of that applies to you then you could try talking to the vulnerable client team. But CAB is perhaps your best bet to start with. And do bear in mind they will need to know why you don’t have a meter.

      I did wonder if you perhaps think a meter is a bad thing? Or that you can’t have one? I don’t suppose you have seen the standard line in tenancy agreements about not getting a pre pay meter installed and thought you can’t have a meter at all? That just means you can’t have a particular kind of meter.

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        Oh yeah and we are in a creaky old three-bed house with bad insulation. But we don’t put the heating on that much. (Don’t need to. Apparently I am descended from polar bears or something.)

      3. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        It’s not that I think having a meter is a bad thing. I’d prefer to be charged for just what I used. But I don’t think I’m going to get one before I move out (see my above response to Cristina in England).

        What I was told by the electric company is that they charge people who don’t provide meter readings an average or expected rate, i.e. based on how much electricity they think a “normal” person would use. And given that it’s winter, I was expecting it to be somewhat high, just not *this* high.

        I didn’t think I could use Citizens Advice Bureau (there’s one very close to where I live) because I’m not a citizen, but I’ll look into it.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          CAB should be able to help. I think they also have webchat?

          As to your meter, if the inventory says you have one then you do need someone to verify it. It’s possible your energy company might be able to find it. It is absolutely not ok for you to be overcharged due to the meter being awol – please do try CAB.

          1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

            My inventory doesn’t say one way or the other whether I have a meter. (There’s a spot for “meter” on the list and I don’t remember exactly what it says, but it’s inconclusive somehow.)

        2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          Doesn’t matter if you are a citizen or not, they are essentially consumer advocates.

          I would call or webchat with them first before stopping in the office.

    4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      That sounds way out of line cost wise, unless you are living in a massive detached house somewhere and running the house at 75F all the time. And if this climate was Siberia.

      We have a 2bd 2bath semi-end of terrace and set our heating to 16C or so (upstairs gets hot, downstairs stays cold regardless of what you do and we never spend time down there anyway) and I want to say we paid £40 a month tops so far this winter. We haven’t been gone at all either. The meter reader guy comes every so often and they have since adjusted us from estimated use (something closer to £100!!). Thats our gas bill, I think electric is somewhere in the £20 range. (Other half confirmed combined electric and gas was £73 last month) I am guessing you are in a smaller place than us. One thing to keep in mind is that a drafty place can drive higher heating costs or, alternatively, if you have some F-d up wiring (and believe me, Ive yet to live in a place that didnt have faulty wiring or faulty plumbing) you could be paying for the hall lights.

      Did you ask them how they are able to estimate your usage without a meter? Or is there a meter but it doesn’t reside in your flat? For instance, if your place was an old house or flats subdivided, sometimes the measuring bits are somewhere else. There has to be one somewhere (since you obviously aren’t on a prepayment/cash meter). Does your landlord know where it is?

      Otherwise you may want to ring up Citizens Advice and see what they may have to suggest – this is something I haven’t heard of before unless the meter is somewhere else. At that point you need to gain access to it in order to read it properly and send the info to the provider, who will then credit your account.

      1. Buu*

        I’ve lived before in studio bedsits that have one meter for the building so I paid inclusive rent. Part of me is wondering if your place has been divided badly and you’re paying for more than one flat.

    5. WellRed*

      I live in the US so no advice. However, estimating vs reading a meter: I had a utility company do this every other month. The estimated months were considerably higher so I requested read every month.

    6. Jess*

      Mine is about £50 per month for both gas and electric in a small flat, though that’s with lots of shopping around for the best deal – I feel like I probably use more of both than the average though.

      I’m afraid I also don’t see how they can possibly be billing you without a meter…plus, utilities are fairly well known for high estimates unless you have meter readings, and they run on ancient legacy IT systems and quite often have shockingly little idea of what’s what – I would definitely recommend both money saving expert and citizens advice for dealing with them.

      When I was a student we had a weird situation with meters in a flat that was a house that had been subdivided into flats badly – we had both a gas and electric meter in our flat, but it turned out there was also a gas meter outside the flat that our flat was responsible for, and one year we got a huge bill because the energy company had just realised this (we didn’t know either) and billed us for several years worth at once. It all got sorted out in the end, but wasn’t easy. I’ve also had flats where the meters weren’t in the flats themselves but the meters for all the flats were in a cupboard under the stairs you needed a special meter key to get into, and that sort of thing.

    7. Triple Anon*

      That’s truly insane. When I run the AC all day every day during 100F + weather, my bill is lower. That’s for a house. (In the US.)

      There must be an explanation. Someone or something is using a lot of electricity. Is it possible that you share your services with all or part of another unit without knowing it? How are your appliances? What do you leave on and what condition is everything in? Could there be something weird about the building’s wiring or something that uses electricity? Like maybe a quirky old heating system?

      Anyway, if you rent, I’d start by contacting the landlord. Or have a professional check it out. Maybe an electrician could help. If you rent and it’s related to the building, not something you own, maybe the landlord could help with the cost and fix whatever the problem is. But it could also be a mistake, considering that you don’t have a meter. This is advice from the US, but I’d go to their office and talk to someone in person. That usually leads to the best results.

    8. PX*

      More than 500 pounds for 3 months is absolutely taking the piss. Tell them to provide you exactly what estimates they are using (ie how many kWh they have estimated) and then you can go to various energy or moneysaving comparison websites and do your own comparison. I live a decadent lifestyle and keep my house really warm in the winter and even by my standards, an expensive amount is 80 pounds per month for both gas and electricity combined. Seriously, make a fuss about this.

      Also follow Ramona Flowers advice and call the CAB – its not just for citizens, it basically means anyone who lives in the UK can use them. Call the helpline and talk to someone.

      Also, when you call them and make a fuss, complain about having no meter for a reading. If your property management company say there is one but you say there isnt, MAKE A FUSS. I know from some of your previous posts that you’re finding things hard here and it might seem like this is a lot of effort, but if you dont want to pay this overpriced bill (which it absolutely is), then you will have to make a fuss, and in this scenario, if the energy company need a meter reading, and the management company say there is a meter – make them prove it by coming and showing you exactly where it is.

      Sorry, this sounds like a sucky situation.

      1. Amey*

        I agree, this sounds like far far too much – I have a family of four and a four bedroom house (and I’m on maternity leave so I’m home a lot) and this is far more than we pay. I know it’s a huge hassle but I’d try again to locate the mythical meter (and I agree that the electric company might be able to find it.) It really may well be specific to your flat but in a different part of the building altogether. I think you could also argue hard against their estimate based on number of people living in the property, work etc. I second trying the CAB to help you make this case – citizenship is absolutely not required.

      2. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Any recommendations for links to reputable energysaving/moneysaving UK-centric websites?

        In theory, I’m totally down with making a fuss. The issues I’m running into here are that a) I have to make a fuss about EVERYTHING for anything to get done (and I’m a low-energy person, and making a fuss takes so. much. energy.), and b) most of the time, even after all my fuss-making, I’m still not winning these battles. IOW, I came, I saw, I definitely have not been conquering. But it’s good to know that this one in particular really is worth fighting.

        1. PX*

          I would say two of the more common and well known ones are moneysupermarket (just google moneysupermarket energy) and which (their specific energy website will be switch.which.co.uk); they will usually ask you to put in some details about where you live, the type of house you live in and your estimated usage (so use the amount from your bill) and then give a projection of how much it should cost you. Any individual energy company will also have their own estimator available so you can also try those (eg british gas, ovo energy, edf energy etc).

          Hope this helps! Sorry your time here has been so much effort :/ If you need any more tips or advice happy to try and help.

        2. Bagpuss*

          Try http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/
          £500 for 3 months sounds insane. My electricity bill was £75 for the last 3 months. If your heating is electric rather than gas then I’d expect yours to be higher, but not that high.
          It seems to me that there may well be a situation where “your” meter is actually one for more than one flat, or even for the building as a whole. – it might be worth contacting your supplier and asking them to fit a smart meter for your property…
          Another option may be to contact OfGem to see whether they can advise.
          Failing that, try contacting the money/consumer page of a National Paper and see whether they an assist – try Consuer Champions in the weekend guardian, or Jessica Investigates in the Telegraph. bad publicity for your supplier may get results.
          Also check out, and follow, your provider’s complaint process.

        3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          You have to make a fuss for just about anything and everything in this country regarding money and service, I swear. Dealing with UK “service” providers make dealing with Comcast or Time Warner look like a walk in the park. I would suggest bracing yourself now for the move out costs as your agency will knock you for cleaning expenses if all of you are moving out of the house.

          For energy/money saving now you would have to maybe switch providers, which won’t work without a meter reading. Moneysavingexpert as noted above is a good, well-known comparison site, there is also Go Compare. Start with the former as they have lots of information on the site. The electricity regulator Ofgem also has information on their site on switching, including some handy info on complaining:

          https://www.ofgem.gov.uk/consumers/household-gas-and-electricity-guide/complain-about-your-gas-or-electricity-bill-or-supplier

          1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

            LOL. I actually just compared Comcast favorably to some of my experiences here to a friend earlier today.

      3. LAI*

        I agree about making a fuss. I once got a water bill that was like 8 times what it normally should be and had to call/email the water company about once a days for a couple of weeks before we could figure out why. It turns out they had switched my meter with my neighbor, who had had a water leak that month. They were very helpful throughout but it took a while and was a pain. I did consider giving up and just paying it several times, but I’m glad I stuck with it and got it figured out.

    9. Apollo Warbucks*

      Check out the compare the market website you can get quotes and estimates and see offers from lots of providers and also get a fee meerkat!

        1. Lynda Bowen*

          OK, I would recommend that you contact the Energy Ombudsman straight away, especially since the billing company “have no record of the meter”. If they haven’t suggested they send someone out to look for it, then that’s indicative of bad training and you’d be better off going into complaint mode now. They can be phoned or you could use their online form.
          Also, mention what appliances you have and if the heating in the property is powered by gas or electric; let them know how many times you’ve contacted the company about the bill.

    10. caledonia*

      I would a) complain to the company and b) escalate. Use social media if you have it, tagging them in posts, posting to their walls/pages and generally kicking up a fuss. Contact people like those who solve consumer issues like in the guardian.

      To complain, I think that moneyexpert and moneysupermarket will have scripts you can use. Also your management rental company sucks and you should get someone out in person as well.

      That is far far too much money.

    11. Yetanotherjennifer*

      This is a complete wild card thought, but it sounds like you may be in an older building and maybe even a converted house or something. I’m in the US, and on my phone, so my apologies if I’m repeating someone else or being completely ignorant on how things work there. Is it possible that your apartment used to be part of someone else’s apartment and that’s where the meter is? And if that split predates the current managers, they may have been told there was a meter when there actually wasn’t. Do you have a fuse box? If so, you can maybe trace the main wire going into the box and see where it leads. And if you don’t have your own box, then that may be a clue that you’re on someone else’s meter. Also, can you talk directly to maintenance and do they maybe predate current management and would have a better idea about the history of the building? Truthfully, I think sharing someone else’s meter after all this time would be an unholy mess to straighten out, but I think it’s either that or it’s behind a wall somewhere. Good luck!

    12. misspiggy*

      Contact the Guardian consumer advice page. They often get companies in line due to threat of bad publicity.

    13. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      And a follow-up question:

      This is a lot more egregious than I thought, I guess, and it’s not going to be resolved by the time payment is due (this week). Is it normally best in this type of situation to pay the whole thing and hope for a refund, pay a little bit as a sign of good faith, or pay nothing? I’ve never not paid a bill in full before the deadline before in any country, and I think I’m not Googling the right things.

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        (I.e., if I don’t pay the full thing on Thursday, say, do they have the right to cut off my electricity on Friday? If I’ll still have electricity and just have some late fees tacked on, is it likely that I’ll still have to pay the late fees if I get the bill lowered? etc.)

        1. Jess*

          Honestly, you’re best talking to citizens advice – they will be able to tell you what the best thing to do is. Energy utilities can cut off your electricity, break into your flat to fit a prepayment meter, etc for unpaid bills, so it’s different from many other situations with bills. Citizens advice will be able to help though.

          1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

            I understand. I’m just worried about what would happen if I can’t get in contact with them before the deadline.

            1. Jess*

              I’d phone the supplier and ask them to send you a new bill, saying it’s a small flat, you were away for over a month, ridiculous level of bill. Throw words like student and hardship around. If they agree to cancel the bill and send a new one, great – take the name of the person who says that. If not, I’d ask to file a complaint and get clarity on if you need to pay the bill when it’s being disputed – I can’t say for sure, but there’s a good chance that you won’t have to. Ask them to come out and find the meter themselves if they need to.

              I wouldn’t take the risk of not paying a utility bill without going through the above, just because the company’s internal systems are so chaotic. I think there’s a decent chance you can stall on needing to pay the bill by phoning them up though.

            2. Jules the First*

              Just FYI, I didn’t pay my absurdly enormous British Gas bill for three months while we argued about it. They sent me to collections and sent about twenty versions of the bill, buy they did not cut off my utilities. That may just be British Gas, though.

              If your property manager insists you have a meter, they should know exactly where it is because they will have had to take readings when tenants move in and out (and your tenancy agreement or inventory should have a move-in reading). It’s not always intuitive which meter is which if there are a bunch of them in a cupboard; your bill will have a meter identification number on it which will also be on the meter itself that can help.

              In the meantime, here’s what you do:
              – hop over to ukpowernetworks dot co dot uk and use their “what’s my MPAN” tool. If you get an MPAN in response, you have a meter somewhere. If not, call the number on the site and they should be able to advise you
              – your supplier is obliged to make “reasonable efforts” to read your meter every two years. They (or UKPN) should have some sort of notes on file to help them figure out where your meter is. Call and ask when they last actually read it.
              – explain to your supplier that you can’t pay the bill in full and that the amount is almost certainly wrong because of your household size (that’s a year’s worth of bill for a single-person household)
              – if all else fails, ask them to check the accuracy of your meter. You may be charged (usually about £50) when they come out and establish that it’s correct, but at least then you know where it is.

    14. Jen Erik*

      That’s more than we’re paying – for a 6 bedroom detached cottage, built more than 200 years ago so no insulation, no double-glazing, plus someone was at home all the time because my elderly mother was ill – which also meant we had the heat on a truly improbable amount. (Also it’s a good deal colder here than London.)

    15. Adereterial*

      What’s the property like? House, flat, studio? All electric or is your heating gas? What tariff are you on?

      I pay about £45 a month for electricity to hear a smallish 4-bed detached newish build house, but about £80 in gas for heating, hot water and cooking.

      I also have an all electric 1-bed flat in a converted Victorian terrace and that costs me about £60 a month, for everything, as there’s no gas supply, so I’m stuck with electric heaters for heating.

      Both of those that was an average over the year – the winter months are much more expensive but as you don’t normally need much heating in the warmer months, it evens out.

      When I lived in London I had a small, purpose built studio that had communal heating and hot water, so I only paid for electricity to light the place, and to cook. That was about £25 a month, with much less seasonal variation. A little more in summer as I was inside much more as I don’t like the heat so I spent more time inside with fans on.

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        It’s part of a house that’s been converted into apartments. Heat is electric, but I kept it off when I wasn’t home (and I was gone for more than a month). I don’t know the tariff–I’ll look that up.

        1. LondonAnon*

          I live in a converted Victorian flat in London (top floor) and my meter is in my neighbour’s basement flat. Smart goes for the first floor flat’s meter. We have to ask our neighbour for monthly readings. It’s ridiculous but at least we get charged what be use. Can you knock on your neighbours’ doors and find out?

          1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

            Our last place was a (badly) converted flat that made two flats out of one above a shop on a high street. To read our meter on move in and move out we had to go downstairs to the burger restaurant and ask nicely to read the meter which required removing a padded seat cushion, moving a table, lifting up the top of a benched seating area, twisting oneself and sticking a phone down a hole to take a photo of the display. I think that was for gas – electric was outside our flat in the hall, but the wiring was weird to the point where we had the hall lights on our circuit board – whenever we got pissed off at the dudes upstairs we just flipped the circuit on the lights in the hall and made them stumble around in the dark coming home from the clubs :P

    16. NeverNicky*

      I’ve spoken to Mr NeverNicky (in a “someone on a forum is having problems” no names given, who is an energy consultant. His advice
      1. Insist an the property manager inspecting property and showing absence of meter – you should have been shown the meter on moving in and taken readings but that bird has flown. Double check that none of the other meters are in fact yours.
      2. Contact supplier and in absence of accurate reading suggest a smaller payment until they can give you a correct reading.
      3. Electricity companies are obliged to read meters every two years. If this hasn’t been done for you and last tenant then that’s likely to have been exceeded and that’s a licence issue (ie big fricking deal).
      4. Ultimately the distribution company should be able to tell you where the meter is – but so should the property company/landlord – see 1.

      For any other tenants – always always see and read the meters when you move in even if you aren’t changing supplier.

    17. only acting normal*

      I second the recommendations for moneysavingexpert and the Guardian consumer column, and for demanding to know where the phantom meter is and when the last real reading was.
      £500 is more than my quarterly dual fuel bill for a 4 bed detached – bonkers for a flat.

  4. Ramona Flowers*

    We are finally seeing Harry Potter and the Cursed Child tomorrow! (Bought the tickets over a year ago.) And then on Monday I’ve taken a day off and am seeing Lady Bird and The Shape of Water – I love daytime cinema trips but haven’t been for ages so I’ve treated myself to a double bill. I am very excited.

    2. G*

      Oh I really want to go see that! I’m a big Harry Potter fan. I asked my Mum if we could go for my 21st instead of me having a party but she said it was too expensive. In the end we did the family tradition of inviting all the female members of our family on a theatre trip (although we usually do this for 60th birthdays) and went to see the Lion King instead. That was quite good. My Auntie said the West End version was better than the Broadway version because of the actors coming down the aisles in their costume.

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        I don’t know how much it cost as they were a gift but I know it was really hard to get tickets!

        Thanks all. This is good self-care stuff for me.

    3. Al Lo*

      I was in London 2 weeks ago and saw it. It was fantastic! I’m a theatre professional, and there’s not a lot of theatre magic that can truly shock me (I love it, and I’m not cynical about it, but I can usually see it coming), but Cursed Child honestly made me gasp with some of what happened onstage.

    4. Bagpuss*

      Enjoy! The Harry Potter play is *really* well done – the on stage magic is amazing. And even from the stalls not easy to work out how they are doing it.
      Where re your seats?
      (by the way, if you want to buy merch. when i went, the queue was much shorter before the play starts than they were in the interval)
      I don’t very often see plays more than once but I am going back to HP this summer (after all, it is a new cast!)
      Be warned, though, if any of your party is tall they will be uncomfortable, the seats, and legroom, are not generous!)

    5. Bagpuss*

      Enjoy! The Harry Potter play is *really* well done – the on stage magic is amazing. And even from the stalls not easy to work out how they are doing it.
      By the way, if you want to buy merch, when i went, the queue was much shorter before the play starts than they were in the interval.
      I don’t very often see plays more than once but I am going back to HP this summer (after all, it is a new cast!)
      Be warned, though, if any of your party is tall they will be uncomfortable, the seats, and legroom, are not generous!)

    7. Elizabeth West*

      Ohhhh The Shape of Water is soooo good. I cried and cried. You will love it! I’ll probably rent Lady Bird–I usually only go to the cinema for blockbusters or something I just can’t wait for, like the del Toro.

      I’m kinda jealous about HP. I read the play, and while I don’t really think of it as canon, I still enjoyed it for what it was.

  5. grace*

    Have any of you had minor allergies to cats and adopted one anyway? Did the allergies go away?

    A little backstory: I recently moved to live on my own for the first time and oh-my-gosh-it’s-so-quiet and — I finally have the time and space and means to have a cat, but I recently figured out that I’m mildly allergic. It’s nothing serious – my eyes and throat get itchy – but annoying enough that I’m hesitating, especially since it’s a one bedroom and I’d be keeping it out of the bedroom itself until I’ve (hopefully!) adjusted. I’ve had cats when I was younger and nothing like that happened, so I’m hoping I can eventually get used to a specific cat, but obviously haven’t had the chance to practice that out in real time. Google says it’s possible but I’d rather hear if real people have done it haha

    1. G*

      My mother is allergic to anything with fur but she’s always owned some sort of pet. She takes her anti-allergy medicine every day and she trains them to stay off the sofa and to stay downstairs. With our cat though she only succeeded in training her to stay out of her bedroom. Well not so much trained as the cat knew perfectly well what she wasn’t supposed to do and just chose which rules suited her.

      1. grace*

        Hahaa my boyfriend keeps his cats out of his room too if only because he closes the door, so I expect it won’t be easy… but I just want my pillow to be a safe zone for my eyes lol. Thanks for this! Did she see a doctor or anything about them? I take a Zyrtec often anyway but if it’ll help with the cat I’ll just do it all the time.

        1. G*

          She does have a prescription for her allergy pills but she is also allergic to pollen and cut grass and I think her pills also help her deal with that too.

    2. MissCPA*

      I had cats growing up even though I was allergic. Now when I go home I do notice that my allergies act up but it is because I am not used to being around cats all the time. I think your body would adjust.

      1. grace*

        Thank you! This is pretty much what I’ve been hoping for, but I’m still a little cautious. Now I guess it’s just deciding the right time to actually pull the trigger :)

      2. LavaLamp*

        Add Allegra and maybe pick up some visine allergy. Those things help me out when I’m really allergic to something.

    3. mandassassin*

      I used to have a mild cat allergy, but living with a cat did get rid of it in fairly short order. I don’t recall the exact time frame, but certainly before a year was up I had stopped having symptoms. It is possible! Though for some reason I’m super allergic to Siamese cats, I haven’t had a reaction to any other kitty. In the meantime, you could vacuum a lot/make sure your air filters are clean/maybe run an air cleaner.

    4. Turtlewings*

      I’m mildly allergic to dogs and cats both (but especially cats) and it hasn’t kept me from living with them! If I’ve gone a long time without a cat in the house, then I do have to acclimate to being with one — days, maybe weeks of runny/itchy nose and eyes, gradually tapering off. For years I did make a point of keeping the cat(s) out of my bedroom, and honestly that’s probably smarter — give your system a place where it can rest — but eventually I caved and have never looked back. I do recommend keeping a close eye on your symptoms because anaphylactic shock is nothing to mess around with, but it’s definitely possible to acclimate to having a cat.

      1. grace*

        Thanks! My boyfriend has a serious allergy, so we’re pretty cautious about anaphylaxis, but I don’t think it’ll develop that much. I volunteered in the shelters all the time in college, and really only put two and two together about why I was always having to take out my contacts afterwards, lol.

    5. Reba*

      Yeah, it depends on the cat. I had not-nice allergies to my sister’s late cat, no reaction at all to my brother’s. My BIL had a wonderful cat for many years, occasionally taking some allergy pills, and the next cat they got eventually had to be rehomed because his reaction to her was so bad. These were all shelter cats/general housecats, so breed not really a factor.

      Keeping it out of the bedroom sounds smart. I hope you get a pet you love!

      1. grace*

        Oh, good point. Did you notice if that was long hair/short hair, or just the cat? I love long hair cats (I mentioned downthread I had shelties – I must just like dealing with tons of hair) but I’ve heard the allergens can be worse with them.

        1. EN*

          I never noticed allergies with our first cat (a long hair), but they started acting up when we moved into a new house and got a second cat (a short hair) at the same time. I got tested because I was worried I could be reacting to something in the house and found out about the cat allergy (among others). Some breeds of cats like our long hair (a Turkish van) are supposedly more hypoallergenic

          1. EN*

            I take a generic Zyrtec everyday, which works well. Before discovering the allergy, our long hair slept in our bed, but he’s not good in the house unsupervised, so now he has his own room.

    6. Compact*

      I grew up with cats, no allergies. I went to college, away from cats, and developed an allergy to cats – itchy jawline, itchy eyes, stuffy head. It did not go away when I adopted my felines. However, one loratadine tablet daily (Claritine D is the name brand) takes care of the allergy symptoms. I can tell when I forget to take it – my head gets stuffed up and my eyes get itchy. Worth it as I like my cuddle time with the furballs.

    7. Jess*

      I have minor allergies to pretty much everything (dust mites, hay fever, cats, dogs…) and I have 2 cats. Like you, I had cats when I was younger with no problems. The first couple of weeks after getting my two I had symptoms but it calmed down after that – I also take antihistamines daily anyway. They weren’t the first cats I’ve had as an adult and the same process of symptoms then getting used to it has happened with previous ones too. I do let them sleep on my bed, and I know my sinuses would probably be a bit happier if I didn’t, but I love my kitty cuddles too much.

      My dad is also allergic to cats, and has always suffered quite a lot with allergies while visiting me, but he and my mum adopted a cat last year and he’s been fine with that cat. I say get the cat!

    8. Deschain*

      I have allergies to most animals (and pretty much every tree and grass), but I’ve always had a cat or a dog. I manage my symptoms with a good bit of Benadryl and lots of hand washing. About 10 years ago, for the first time in my life, I adopted a second cat. Within a few months, I started having severe GI problems. A few months after that, my whole body was hurting. After nine months, 12 specialists, an endoscopy, a colonoscopy, etc., a doctor finally realized that I was suffering from an allergic reaction to food. Because I had no visible reactions, allergies weren’t an immediate thought. Turns out, because I was living in a multi-cat household with cat allergies, I’d developed something called cat-pork syndrome. At the time, it had gotten so severe that I tested positive for an allergy to pork, lamb, beef, milk, and eggs. I stopped eating all that stuff immediately and continued to do so until two years ago when I got retested. Currently, I only test positive for pork and lamb. But I still have my two cats! I probably won’t ever have another cat but I couldn’t give up my babies. The doctor, UVA allergist Dr. Platts-Mills, said that getting rid of them wouldn’t have helped once the allergy evolved. The only thing I have to be careful of is kissing my cats-if I kiss the top of their heads after they’ve bathed, my lips will swell up and burn and itch for hours.

      1. grace*

        Oh my gosh, that’s so scary! I’m glad you got it figured out and managed, I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.

        1. Deschain*

          Thank you! It was really hard and scary. I had doctors tell me that nothing was wrong with me, that I had fibromyalgia, arthritis, Crohn’s, IBS, etc. By the time I was diagnosed, I could only wear loose, soft clothing because my skin and stomach hurt too badly to have anything press on it. Going over a bump in the road was agony. It took about six months after eliminating the foods for my digestive tract to heal and for my body not to hurt constantly, but I do have IBS left over from the experience. If I had known that such a medical issue existed, I wouldn’t have gotten a second cat, but I also can’t imagine not having my sweet Bella, who had it much rougher than me–she was found in a dumpster and taken to the local animal shelter. Unlike my other cat (shown in my profile pic) who likes to go out in his cat kennel and enjoy grass and sunlight, Bella prefers to be indoors on an electric blanket.

          So, I would not discourage you from getting a cat, but just know the risks involved and definitely don’t adopt more than one. I work from home, so my cats (and my Labrador) are my constant companions and I can’t imagine my life without them.

    9. Nicole76*

      I have noticed that some cats bother people more than others and it’s not necessarily tied to the type of coat. It just really depends on the individual cat and how much of the protein (that causes the allergic reaction) they produce. My recommendation is for you to foster a cat if possible. That way you are simultaneously helping an organization while looking for that purrfect companion. Good luck!

      1. Deschain*

        I agree 100%. I’m much more allergic to the cat in my profile pic (Drizzt) than I am to the second cat that I adopted. I’ve had several residents tells me that this isn’t possible, but my actual allergist agrees.

    10. School Psych*

      I’m allergic to dogs and I have one. We have professional cleaners come every few weeks and hepa air filters in our home. She doesn’t sleep in our bedroom and we don’t have carpeting down in the majority of our house which helps. One thing to consider is if you have seasonal allergies is that your dog will become covered in things that might aggravate your allergies when they are outside. I was really suffering in the summer because the pollen in the environment would stick to my dog on a walk and then I’d react later on from the pollen in my home. I’ve also found my allergies act up on the days she goes to doggy daycare, since she’s playing with dogs that I don’t live with and therefore am still allergic to. I’m currently working with an allergist and getting allergy immunology shots. You may want to consider a visit to an allergist before adopting your dog. They can do tests to see how high your level of reaction is to certain allergens including dogs and give you advice about how to minimize your symptoms when living with an animal. My allergist has been very helpful with getting my symptoms under control on a long-term basis. Your body chemistry can also change and you can develop allergies to things you had a minimal reaction to before. I was allergic to dogs a child, but adopted my dog after I tested negative for allergies to dogs. Two years later, I was wheezing in my house and tested as being allergic to dogs again. You can develop a tolerance for your puppy,but be allergic to your adult dog when their coat changes. All this is not to say don’t adopt an animal. I don’t regret adopting mine at all, but there are a lot of things I didn’t consider allergy wise. I had no idea you can develop an allergy tolerance to your dog and then lose that tolerance later on.

      1. Nicole76*

        I didn’t realize that was possible either (the allergy tolerance) until my husband, who owned cats before meeting me, suddenly was having asthma attacks from the cats I started fostering a few years ago. Apparently he can no longer tolerate cats, and was even having allergic reactions to our dog when we first brought her home. Luckily he adjusted after about a month.

    11. Lily Evans*

      I grew up with cats and didn’t realize I was allergic until I lived without them at college, but I still adopted a cat once I got my own apartment! I just take Zyrtec every day to help fight the allergies. I also adopted a cat who doesn’t have a lot of dander. She’s long haired and gets hair everywhere, but that doesn’t bother my allergies the way short haired cats who are heavy dander producers do!

    12. Simone R*

      I moved into a house where my roommate had a cat, and I’m mildly allergic. I sneezed a lot for the first week and then it went away. I kept the cat out of my room, and whenever I gave in and let her in, I would start sneezing again.

    13. Typhon Worker Bee*

      My husband is mildly allergic but agreed to get cats anyway, on the condition that they not be allowed in the bedroom. (He’s mostly fine just being around them, but cat hair on his pillow would be a problem). I just asked him if it ever still bothers him (we’ve had them for ten years now) and he said it didn’t really ever go away, but as long as he doesn’t rub his eyes right after petting them it hasn’t been a problem for him.

    14. Falling Diphthong*

      I tested as mildly allergic to cats, have had them for… 25 years. Not a noticeable thing with other mild pollenish allergies. Would you consider allergy shots? I’ve heard good things about them in this case–mild allergy and want a pet.

      I will say that despite having cats and dogs for years with no strong problem (dust mites are my killer allergy), I seemed to get itchy/sneezy after 24 hours with a bichon frise we found in the woods. So it’s certainly specific to individual breeds.

      1. School Psych*

        Allergy shots are a huge commitment(1x a week for a year and 1x a month for the year after that). I decided to do it because I am allergic to lots of other things besides my pet and my asthma symptoms were getting worse. I tried lots of other things before going this route(hepa vacuum, more frequent cleanings, air filters). The people in my Dr’s office who are down to their once a month shots rave about how much having the allergy shots have reduced their symptoms. I don’t know anyone who decided to do allergy shots for mild symptoms and I don’t think it would be worth it. If the OP has other allergies they are having trouble managing or the cat allergy is more of a moderate to severe allergy, I think the shots would be worthwhile.

    15. Cats On A Bench*

      I’m allergic to some cats, not to others. I basically react differently to each cat individually. Sometimes hives, sometimes itchy eyes, sometimes both, sometimes nothing. Something about it being an allergy to something in their saliva, not the fur. We’ve had 3 cats over the last 17 years and I reacted to 2 of them mildly, 1 of them not at all. Anyway, when we went to adopt our current cat (we were really looking to get a dog but my son fell in love with this cat), I rubbed my face all over him to see if I would react. Nothing. Great! We got him. Turns out he’s more attached to me than my son. He is my baby. I love him dearly. However, within a month of getting him my eyes started being itchy and irritated all the time and eventually I started waking up with my eyes nearly swollen shut! No hives and no respiratory symptoms so I can’t give him up… love him too much and my son is attached to him too. I am still trying to figure out ways to mitigate my allergy symptoms, but he will be the last cat I ever have because my eyes are itchy and swollen all. the. time. As much as I love him, had I known I would slowly become more allergic to him over time back when we met him, I would have told my son no to getting a cat.

    16. Lightly-chewed Jimmy*

      I’m mildly allergic and my limit seems to be 2.5 cats :) (I never quite get adjusted to a 3rd)

    17. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Constant exposure to your allergen can either make it better or make it much worse. If you do decide to get a cat, start taking allergy meds about 2 weeks before, and never stop. You may want to discuss with an allergist if you have one.

      I am allergic to one of my cats, but not the other. I’ve also been allergy tested and don’t test as allergic to cats. It’s just some cats that I have problems with, all of them have been black (no idea why). I take allergy meds year around and it’s a non issue unless I forget. It’s important to note that I didn’t start out allergic to her, it developed over several years. To help manage it, I change my bed sheets regularly, wash my hands/face after cuddling her (she’s not much of a cuddler so this is do able), vacuum at least weekly, etc.

      Even if you’re allergic to cats, you may still react differently to individuals. If you can, you’ll want to find one that you’re better with.

      1. blackcat*

        +1 to meds. I am quite allergic to cats. The only time I haven’t lived with a cat was in college (in a dorm). I take allegra, which I would need 6 months out of the year anyways for seasonal allergies (I am allergic to basically all pollen).

    18. LPUK*

      If you’ve only recently moved to live alone, and if that’s the reason you’re thinking of getting a pet, why not wait a couple of months and see how you feel then. Living alone can be a little strange at first, but you may find that you get comfortable with the quiet pretty quickly! I love it now

      1. grace*

        Not the only reason, but the first time I have a chance to actually have a pet, and as I noted down below, I just lost my dogs – I’m not quite ready for one of those yet :)

    19. All Hail Queen Sally*

      I am not allergic to cats, but I want to share that one of the cats I have loves to be vacuumed– perhaps training a cat to be vacuumed would help with dander control and lessen the allergic effect. I did not train him–can a cat ever be trained?–he came that way as a kitten from his foster mom who told me simply that she “vacuumed everything.” He’s now 12 years old and still gets excited and runs to me whenever when he hears the vacuum or hair dryer (I think he thinks I am vacuuming my hair).

    20. Thursday Next*

      I’m allergic to cats, and unfortunately became more allergic to them over the 18 years I had them. Keeping them out of the bedroom made a big difference for me, though I missed the cuddles in bed. The last couple of years I also took prescription allergy medication once daily.

      It’s about the one-year mark since we had to put our last cat down, and I miss him terribly.

      1. grace*

        I’m so sorry for your loss! We just lost the second of our two dogs, and it’s been awful – thinking of you!

        1. Thursday Next*

          Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. They really become a part of our hearts, don’t they? You’ll be in my thoughts as well.

    21. Clever Name*

      I’m allergic to cats (and dogs) and I have 2 cats and I work in a dog friendly office. I have found I tend to have less of a reaction to cats I’m around a lot, but now I take Flonase, and it’s seriously been life changing.

    22. Chaordic One*

      I share your allergy to cats. One thing that I’ve noticed is that my problems are greatly minimized if you keep your living areas clean. This means frequent vacuuming of carpets and upholstery and frequent dusting. It makes a world of difference.

    23. Teach*

      Our vet reports good results from a weekly bathing of the cat! She carries a gentle, dander-removing or reducing shampoo (no idea if this is different than regular cat shampoo) and says most cats get used to the routine pretty quickly.

    24. ScarlettNZ*

      I’m really allergic to cats and dust mites. I just take an antihistamine every day. There is nothing on this earth that will make me give up my cats!

    25. Knitter who lurks*

      didn’t quite read through all the replies, but maybe try fostering a cat? Then, if your allergies don’ flare up or your body adjusts, you can keep the cat.

      I grew up with lots of cats and always two dogs at any moment. My mom had severe allergies throughout my childhood, but she got allergy shots at the doctor’s. It worked for her and she’s grown out of the allergies now and only takes OTC pills.

    26. Amantha*

      Hang out with different cats and do a little research. There are breeds and even colors that you may react to less. I am allergic to cats and have had many, and also volunteer at a shelter.

      I should also mention that I bathe my cats, which helps A LOT with keeping dander down and allergies.

    27. Gingerblue*

      I’m another person who has mild cat allergies but adjusts after a week or so of being around cats. (Though keeping on top of vacuuming makes a big difference for me–if the fur builds up, I stop being okay again.)

    28. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      My mother is mildly allergic; it’s never gone away for her, but we got an allergy shampoo and bathed my cat weekly with it, and it made a huge difference for her. That and banning the cat from my parents’ bedroom made it perfectly livable for her, and she loved the cat as much as I did.

      Fortunately, my cat apparently came from the school of not getting violent in baths, but instead making the most pathetic sounds I’ve ever heard from an animal in my life to try and guilt me into not bathing him.

  6. Laura H*

    All the tax stuff is together. Hopefully can start to tackle that tomorrow.

    And the new food place by my work- I’ve enjoyed all the stuff I’ve tried! I think the kolaches/ pigs in a blanket are my favorite. The amount of non meat options for Fridays during Leng is nice. Had banana toast yesterday. Gonna try the baked oatmeal this coming Friday.

    Anyway I gotta get the shoes on to go to that which remains unmentioned on weekends.

    1. nep*

      Pigs in the blanket — first time I’ve heard/read reference to this outside of my family.
      Glad you’re liking the new food place.

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        We are pigs (or dogs) in ablanket all the time when I was a kid. Best birthday party food! We used refrigerator biscuits for the “blanket”.

          1. nep*

            Perhaps this recipe originally — or sometimes — called for pork, hence pigs.
            (I currently don’t eat animals so it’s odd to think back on all the meat-based meals.)

          2. Aurora Leigh*

            That’s so interesting! For us it was a hot dog wrapped in a biscuit — I never knew it could be something else!

          3. Just a Concerned Third Party*

            I’ve always heard of these as just being “cabbage rolls.” With us, “pigs in a blanket” referred specifically to some kind of pork product wrapped in some kind of grain product, like a hotdog or other sausage in a dough or cornbread roll.

            Cabbage rolls are wonderful though, and I just realize I haven’t made them in quite a long time. I think I know what I’m doing tomorrow!

  7. Casca*

    This happened at work but I think I need to address it as a social issue (plus I always miss the work thread).
    A colleague and I were chatting and he randomly used Hitler as an example for something. I indicated I didn’t appreciate it and he said, “yeah, but he was an economic genius”. I just said nope but he kept saying you can’t just say nope without arguing the point (yes, you can!)
    But I ended up saying I didn’t think anyone who made it illegal to do business with Jews and otherwise worked against their own citizens was a good economic leader

    Then he remembere d I’m Jewish and said, “oh, I guess someone of your background might not think so” and he backed off.

    I don’t think he’s antisemitic, I think he was trying to be a provocative intellectual, but it sure sucked.
    I can’t imagine it’s going to come up again but I feel like the whole dynamic has changed. He doesn’t- he still jokes around – that’s his thing. Knowing it’s someone I can’t avoid, how do I deal with this and not just feel terrible that I’m being nice to a tool?

    1. Laura H*

      I have no advice… but the sound you just heard was either my jaw dropping to the floor or me grabbing the book of all the explosive expletives I know and chucking it at this moron’s concept of that infamous, horrid man. WTH??!

      I’m so sorry.

    2. Fiennes*

      I’d be an ass about it, and start referring to him in larger groups as “our Hitler fan.” Watch the others stare. Explain in full. See him sputter and backtrack. (Or double down and reveal his true colors, who knows.) This is not the most politic or nature way of handling it, but I like to put the burden of the awkward on the source of the awkward.

      2. Kimberlee, Esq.*

        TBH I really like the idea of referring to him as “the Hitler fan” around the office! Casca, you confronted him in the moment, and it sounds like you did so reasonably politely. You still only got him to “oh, I guess a JEW might be offended by a reference to Hitler”?! As though non-Jewish people would have no particular feelings about him.

        “Hitler was a bad guy but, dang, he was a great public speaker” and the like are for 14 year old contrarians on Reddit. No one needs to put up with that in their workplace, and the dude should be casually shamed to match how he casually praised a mass murderer.

          1. Casca*

            Yeah, but then it also does make me wonder what other non-Jewish people I newly meet think. I’ve met people (mostly at uni) who didn’t think Hitler was terrible. It seems to be becoming more mainstream to say things like that, I don’t know

            2. Muriel Heslop*

              I’m not Jewish. Hitler was a terrible, monstrous creature. (When I teach Anne Frank each spring, I underscore how horrible he was, as does my entire department. I hope it’s not mainstream to think otherwise! Never forget!)

            3. Triple Anon*

              I have noticed that too. People seem to forget that he was responsible for the deaths of about ten million people and the torture of many more, not to mention the far reaching impact of that and his other actions. And Jews were not the only group targeted. And this could happen again, especially if people keep trivializing it. There have been other large scale acts of genocide throughout history. It’s a danger that we face as humans and we need to guard against it, first and foremost by taking it seriously and considering it a bad thing. I don’t understand people . . .

              1. Casca*

                I did consider mentioning Hitler’s terrible treatment of gay people because the guy has a gay sister he mentions fairly often but I just wanted the conversation to be over. It sure is some kind of cognitive dissonance though

            4. Falling Diphthong*

              I can see some value in pushing back on the theme “Hitler achieved power through mind-control rays” rather than by hopping in front of a popular yet hateful movement. But not in anything that starts off “If you leave aside his genocide of multiple groups of people…”

              I would either refuse to engage, or if an explanation is needed something like “I don’t enjoy ‘provocative’ discussions about how Hitler was right.” Stop. Let him add the “because you’re Jewish” and I’ll bet some non-Jews in earshot will enlighten him.

            5. Elizabeth West*

              Not even the least bit Jewish here that I’m aware of, and I think he was the f*cking Anti-Christ. I wish I could go back in time and hold him down while Captain America knocks his block off. Then burn him alive.

            6. Observer*

              Well, in that case you’re learning something very valuable about people.

              You COULD ask him what he has to say about the economic chops of people like Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot and whatever other genocidal maniacs you can think of.

              1. BenAdminGeek*

                “I mean, other than the mass starvation, how bad WAS Mao?” is what I imagine his response would be.

        2. Parenthetically*

          14-year-old contrarians on Reddit YES, nailed it.

          And good Lord, Casca, please take all this advice.

        4. MissGirl*

          He was also a great painter. He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon, two coats.

          Oh the so-called intellectuals who love to push a controversial point. The only reason he got Germany’s economy back on track was by feeding a war machine. Not the best long-term strategy.

          1. Observer*

            And, he actually didn’t do that good of a job on that either.

            Also, I’d like to ask him if he REALLY thinks that dependence on slave labor (yes, lots and lots of slave labor, both in concentration camps and on farms in the “heartland”) is brilliant economics.

            It’s incredible how often people try to defend their moral trash with arguments that turn out to be factually incorrect moral trash.

      4. Muriel Heslop*

        I was going to say the sameL highlight him as “the Hitler admirer” or something similar in conversation with others and it will disappear. I teach middle school and it’s the technique I employ with people who act like this, who always seem to be 8th grade boys. Good luck!

    3. dr_silverware*

      Oh, ugh. You know, there’s a nonzero probability that he is actually quite antisemitic and that his internet history would be a nasty, nasty thing to see; but even if that’s not the case, you are more than welcome to be extremely put off by a “provocative intellectual.” More than one “provocative intellectual” has been a horrible piece of work.

      Honestly, I’d say don’t joke around with him, and be pleasant enough. Small, cool smiles & subject changes all the way.

      That said I am not perhaps not standing on the firmest foundation here since I basically responded with silence and changing the subject to an ex-coworker being a real tool in a very similar way and I’m still kind of bummed about that :(

      1. Slartibartfast*

        This. Cool politeness. You’re being paid to work with this guy. You don’t have to like your coworkers. You just can’t be openly hostile. And you certainly don’t have to speak to him off the clock.

    4. Aurora Leigh*

      No advice, but that’s terrible!

      I thought the two co-workers who sit near me say problematic things, but yours takes the cake! (They were complaining yesterday about there are always “blacks, mexicans, and foreigners” in tv shows now . . .)

    5. DoctorateStrange*

      If I recall correctly, I read somewhere Hitler was not an economic genius. That idea is just a part of propaganda he created. In fact, a lot of stuff that’s about “humanizing” him is his own propaganda.

      Moving on, if you still have to deal with this twit, I think keeping your distance is best. Be icy-polite, if you feel comfortable doing that.

      1. Casca*

        He sits next to me and is in my team so certainly have to deal with him
        He’s a schmoozer so everyone gets along with him and I’m still trying to build relationships so I’m worried if I’m icy-polite, I pre-emptively disadvantage myself professionally

        2. Triple Anon*

          I empathize. I’ve dealt with similar stuff at work. I’ve had to work closely with people who were charming and good at winning people over but also had a very nasty side and made pro-fascist remarks at times. They always act like they think they’re “edgy”, but they’re just being cruel and pathetic.

          Please document all of this. You’re probably not the only one affected by it and there probably is more to the story than what is obvious right now.

            1. Triple Anon*

              “Edgy”. It’s the flip side of “abrasive”. “Edgy” people think they’re provocative and forward thinking when they’re actually just being jerks. “Abrasive” people, meanwhile, are acting normal but are considered out of line because of the context and/or their demographics.

          2. Knitter who lurks*

            echoing the documentation x1000. include things he says in earshot of you but to others. he may say more offensive things in the future.

        3. neverjaunty*

          First, keep in mind that probably lots of people who deal with him are also thinking “Christ, what an asshole” but are being fake-friendly because they, too, are thinking that everyone else gets along with him.

          Second, one way to deal with jerks like this besides being icily polite is being Super Naive But Interested. Ask the questions that make him admit to his horrible beliefs. “Oh, wow, why did you think someone of my background would be offended by that? I don’t understand can you explain it?” in a curious, eager tone. “I’ve only heard people say he was an ‘economic genius’ because they thought the Jews ruined the economy, but you’re probably thinking of some other reason?”

    6. bunniferous*

      Ugh. From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. Yeah, I would not be comfortable around him either.

      1. Casca*

        Sorry- tried to make it more about the social aspect
        I’m always too late for the work thread because of timezones and Shabbat

        1. Reba*

          People do go into the work thread on Saturdays! Not as much activity, of course, but you can still get responses over there most weekends.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              I thought a while ago, that if someone wanted, they could post here asking people to look at the work thread for their question. I think enough people here would be happy to go look, so it would work out well.
              Maybe even provide a link, if you have time.

              2. Beatrice*

                I was thinking it would be nice to have a keyword to indicate the start of Saturday discussions there, to make it easier for someone to use ctrl+F and just jump to current conversation. The thread does get so big that by the time Saturday rolls around, it’s intimidating to scroll to the bottom and few people bother. My Fridays are so chaotic that it’s hard for me to participate often, although I’d really like to.

    8. Temperance*

      Wow. I just … wow. What I would have done is point out that Germany was in the toilet after Hitler, including the economy, if I was just debating a provocative tool. I’m not Jewish, though, and I’m horrified that someone would say that.

    9. Tuxedo Cat*

      Some intellectual. He can’t argue that you don’t appreciate x- that’s how you feel.

      If he does this stuff all the time, I’d just pull a Regina George: “Why are you so obsessed with Hitler/dictators/fascists?” whatever he’s doing. And when he tries to backtrack or justify it, you can point that there are plenty of people who aren’t dictators who were economic geniuses.

    10. Artemesia*

      The ‘normalization of Hitler’ is proceeding apace in the US now that neo Nazis have been embraced by many political groups here. ‘oh but he was an economic genius’ is akin to ‘he made the trains run on time’. Suddenly the swastika is just a ‘good luck symbol’ that was misused etc etc. Glad you pushed back; sorry you work with an ass.

      1. Sylvan*

        +1

        I’m also wondering what’s going on in our history classes lately – I’ve bumped into a couple of teenagers online recently who seem confused about that entire part of history.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      .I met a person who said he was from Austria and claimed the same thing. He pointed to VW as his justification.

      I couldn’t get my jaw off the floor to say too much, I think you did better than I did. Since he was a customer my only thought was to wrap up and get away from him.

      I remember reading about a prof who insisted on saying Hitler was a great man. It boiled down to semantics. We usually associate the word “great” with good/positive. But someone can be a large figure and still be an soulless idiot, I guess that was the prof’s point. So students were very uncomfortable, but they had to write on their exams that Hitler was a great man because the prof reduced their grade if they did not say that.

      I think people say stuff like this to provoke reactions. They enjoy upset and they enjoy watching other people get upset. If this happens again maybe you could ask him why he would say things that he knows for a fact will upset other people. Explain to him that as employees we are compensated in part for our willingness to get along with others.

    12. Myrin*

      Pfff, I’m German and my only reaction to “Hitler was an economic genius” is “How so?”.

      I mean, I’m no historian and although we learn about Drittes Reich stuff extensively in school, I’ve forgot a lot about it but I do know that he was megalomaniac to the nth degree.

      My alma mater is in what was his favourite city and on my way there, I’d walk past some permanently installed posters showcasing what kind of massive buildings he had planned for the area (and we’re talking massive – several Greek-style buildings larger than one of the biggest libraries of all of Europe [which is just around the corner]); someone who wants to build that kind of stuff with taxpayers’ money does not an economic genius make.

      In a talk with my grandparents (who were children/teenagers during the war) last year, they both mentioned how they were suddenly doing so much better when they were occupied by the French (and I don’t mean “better” as in “better than during the war”, that’s self-evident, but as in “during the Nazi’s reign before the war”). When people live a better life while being occupied by a foreign nation they’d just lost a war against, they haven’t been thriving under an economic genius. Just sayin’.

      2. Observer*

        When people live a better life while being occupied by a foreign nation they’d just lost a war against, they haven’t been thriving under an economic genius. Just sayin’.

        Excellent point!

    13. Observer*

      You don’t ever have to feel bad that you are being civil to a jerk. And, he IS a jerk.

      He’s also an ignorant idiot. And pretentious to boot.

      Hitler as an economic genius?! You covered the obvious lunacy of what he was saying. But beyond that, and the fact that most of his philosophy was inherently actually very bad economics, the way both the German economy and the war effort were run were examples of TERRIBLE economics in action. Using save labor from the “untermetchen” races does NOT make one an economic genius. If you’re going to try to play the role of offensive, provocative and “edgy” so called intellectual, at least get your facts right.

    14. Close Bracket*

      > “oh, I guess someone of your background might not think so”

      This is the logical fallacy that straight, white men are completely unbiased, while everyone else is unduly influenced by being part of whatever marginalized group they are part of. If he, or anyone really, makes similar remarks, and you feel like engaging, you can do so in two ways. 1. Maturely and politely call him on his own bias as a non-Jew and point out that racism is abhorrent to all races, not just Jews (or whatever). 2. Snarkily throw it back in his face by saying, “Well, a white guy like you probably can’t see the issue clearly.”

  8. nep*

    Yesterday I went as far as dialing the number of the chiropractic office that does massage. I hung up after one ring. Background — a client gave me three gift certificates for full-hour massage. They expire in a couple of months. Cannot bring myself to make an appointment — as much as I understand massage is therapeutic and important (and I love a good massage). Can’t stand the thought of a stranger’s hands all over my body. I know, I know — the person is a professional. I know all the ways this is irrational. A couple other factors that hold me back; one is my back’s been really delicate lately and I don’t have the means to get things checked out and going further with all this, as they might end up suggesting. It is what it is. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll let these vouchers expire.

    2. JKP*

      It sounds like some part of you wants the help and that it could maybe help your back. Since you have 3 gifts certificates, you could call them, explain that you’re nervous, and ask if you could use 1 of the certificates for a talking only appt without any massage. Then you could meet with them and talk through different options to see if there is anything they could do that you would be comfortable with. Plus, after meeting them, you might feel more comfortable, like they weren’t a total stranger. And if you decide you don’t want to come back and use the other 2 certificates, you’re no worse off than deciding to let all 3 lapse.

    3. Ron McDon*

      Can you sell them on to someone you work with/a family member who might like a massage? If the face value is, say $50 and you sell it to someone else for $30, they’re getting something out of it, and so are you.

      Seems a better idea than just letting them expire.

    4. Nashira*

      It’s okay to not want to be touched. It’s okay for any reason at all, and it’s not a personal failing of yours to not want to be touched. I also do not want to be touched (aside from a short list of people and most animals) and would also end up letting the certificates expire or handing them off to someone who would enjoy them.

    6. LibbyG*

      If the idea of the vouchers “going to waste” adds to your stress, maybe you can reframe it along the KonMari lines of the gift having done its job. The client gave you the gift, you received them in gratitude. Whether or not you turn the vouchers into massages is beside the point. It’s your body – you don’t have to justify declining a massage, even to yourself.

      2. Thursday Next*

        This is perfect! You could also pass the vouchers along to someone who would welcome them. Then they have double value—as a mark of your client’s appreciation for you, and a nice oppudor someone else.

    7. Sparky*

      You could just get a foot massage, or a neck massage, if you’re comfortable with people touching those parts of your body. You wouldn’t even have to undress. You get to decide how/where/who you are touched.

      1. fposte*

        Seconding this, or you even if you undress more you can say “just legs” or “nowhere near my back.” And you can go and give it a try and after five minutes say “Sorry, this isn’t working” and leave. There’s no irreversible cliff dive anywhere along the process.

        I also think it’s perfectly reasonable for you to decide massage isn’t going to be that beneficial for you right now; that’s a legitimate decision that isn’t just avoidance.

        1. Lady Jay*

          This is true. When I went for my first-ever massage, I only undressed down to the waist – left my jeans on and everything! – because I felt modest/shy and that’s what I was comfortable with. They’re professionals; they’ll tell you to do what’s comfortable for *you*.

          That said, if you’re not comfortable, don’t go.

      2. Sylvan*

        I’m not generally a touchy person, but chair massages are great. They only touch your neck, shoulders, arms, and back. Your clothes stay on. It’s very relaxing and it doesn’t have the, I don’t know, “intimacy” that a full-body massage would.

      3. AndersonDarling*

        Excellent suggestion! When I was an LMT at a med spa, I had clients that were nervous about being undressed or about being touched in certain places…that sounds dirty, but I mean that some people didn’t like their knees to be touched, or their shoulders. If you have the certificate, then you pretty much have a pass for an hour of the therapist’s time and they can customize that time for you. I did hour long foot treatments, massaged with all the clients clothes on, and I also stretched a client for an hour. You may enjoy just resting in the massage room with the warm treatment table, soft music, and spa scents…especially if they have a sound table! Those are great!

        1. The Grammarian*

          I agree–even just resting in the warm room on the warmed table with the nice oil scents, soft music, and lowered lighting is relaxing. My husband actually fell asleep at the beginning of each massage he’s ever had, heh. I think the suggestions to either sell/give the GCs to someone else or to go and only have a part of you massaged that you’re comfortable with are good. I have joint issues and I get scared that the massage therapist will mess something up, so when I get these kinds of GCs, I ask them to massage my face and neck (two places that hold tension on my body and are not particularly intimate).

      1. Life is Good*

        I’m with you on this. I once got a gift cert for a manicure with wax dip (I think it’s called) and hand massage. I just couldn’t get comfortable with the thought of a stranger doing that. I wrote a thank you to the gift giver (my boss) and just let it expire. It was stressful to me to worry about wasting all that money – $50 – but more stressful to think about going for the treatment. I couldn’t really give it away because the manicurist was a relative of the boss and it had my name on it. Sorry you’re going through this.

    9. Yetanotherjennifer*

      You could call the office and explain your situation. Maybe there’s some adjustment they can make for you or maybe they have another client who could be helped with your certificates. That way they would be useful to someone.

    10. Gaia*

      I regularly get massages now, but this was me a few years ago. The idea of a stranger touching me (especially an unclothed me!) was enough to make me physically sick. It did not matter that I logically understood that they were professionals. All that mattered was that my mind was screaming “NO”

      I was in a car accident and was so painful I couldn’t move. I had to get a massage. What worked for me was using my first visit to talk, fully clothed, about what they did and my concerns and fears. I built a bit of a relationship and developed a bit of trust. My next visit we did a fully clothed gentle massage (where I learned my favorite thing ever is just having my head held up – oh man, is that relaxing).

      It took nearly 6 months before I was comfortable being fully undressed and even now I’m not sure how I’d do if I had to switch therapists. I don’t even like when the pedicurist I see starts rubbing my legs. It creeps me out.

      Something like this may or may not work for you. And if it doesn’t, that is okay. It is okay to not want a massage. It is okay that you don’t use these certificates. The gift was given and you received it. What you do with it is secondary.

    11. nep*

      Appreciate all the insights and suggestions. (I have asked a couple of family members whether they want these — I’d then go to the place to see how to ‘transfer’. Thus far no takers though.)
      Thanks, all.

    12. WillyNilly*

      I am trained as a massage therapist (never went through with licensing as my career moved in a different direction). I definitely second calling or dropping in and discussing – there are many options.

      First and foremost, you definitely do not need to get naked! Yes most LMTs suggest it, but only because maybe folks want a full body, with oils massage. You can leave on as much clothing as you want, even if that means fully clothed. (Although soft clothes are best – think sweats, or t-shirt and leggings instead of jeans and button down shirts.)

      You can definitely ask them to talk you through it and announce where they will be touching and how before moving on with the massage. That’s a very common thing actually, a lot of folks want to be told “ok, I will be working on your legs next. I will start with the left leg and work my way down from thigh to calf…” before just feeling hands on their legs.

      And I know you know this, but I will repeat anyway – they really aren’t judging your body, or finding it sexual, or anything. Overweight, underweight, sweaty, hairy, body zits, tattoos, etc – honestly its fine. Its ok to fall asleep & snore, or fart, too. Promise. I mean do follow basic hygiene (shower), but its ok to have an imperfect (read: normal) body.

      1. nep*

        Thanks for taking the time to share these insights.
        It’s not at all an issue of being self-conscious about the state of my body. It’s just way too intimate for me.

        1. WillyNilly*

          Well if course that’s ok too! Nothing is for everyone.

          And if it makes you feel any better not using the certificates, consider most LMTs work in small businesses. Not using a paid for gift cert is still supporting the business; at worst its giving someone who works a physical job 3 paid hours off, at best its allowing the business to get double pay for 3 hours. What a lovely gift.

    13. anonagain*

      I think it’s more than okay to let the vouchers expire if no one else ends up wanting them.

      If you let them expire, you’re not alone: I read an interview with a massage therapist once where she described gift vouchers as free money, because so many of the vouchers she sold were never redeemed.

      1. nep*

        Yes — this is my second such gift.
        (I reckon most retailers / service providers make a good bit of money on gift cards.)

    14. Anono-me*

      Please ask if the business offers water bed massages or massage chairs. They are not the same as a professional massage, but I think that they feel pretty good.

    15. Betsy*

      I also find it oddly intimate. I am living in Thailand at the moment, where most other expats rave about getting cheap massages. I found when I had back pain physiotherapy was great, felt a lot less intimate than massage, and a lot of it is about giving you exercises to do in your own time. Sometimes my PT did a little bit of massage, but there were days where she didn’t at all.

    16. LilySparrow*

      I’m with you. There are a lot of things other people find relaxing that just don’t feel good or even sound enjoyable to me.
      I don’t like baths. Don’t like mani-pedis. Never even tried massage or spa treatments because it just sounds like expensive misery.

  9. Fiennes*

    This isn’t work-related enough for Friday, but it’s work adjacent. Alison cautions against making your passion your career, for entirely solid reasons — but I’m one of the ones who did it and has been really happy. Specifically, I turned my fandom pursuits into career.

    Anyway, last night, I wound up having a small, friendly dinner with four of the actors from the TV show that made me a fangirl in the first place. My work had made me friends with someone who’d worked with one of them, so it happened very organically. They all proved to be kind, funny and interesting, and I think I conducted myself like a mature human being.

    All the while, on the inside, my fan soul was going AAAAAAAAAAAHH!

    2. Turtlewings*

      Oh man, my fangirl soul is so jealous! I’m really pleased that you had such a nice time. It’s always a bummer when meeting your heroes turns out badly. Keep living the dream!!

    6. Elizabeth West*

      AAAAHHHH

      *jelly*

      AAAAHHHH SO COOL

      I like to think I’d be okay with anyone except Stephen King. I handled myself well with Clive Barker (aaaaahhh), but SK would make me want to throw myself to the floor a la Wayne’s World and scream, “I’m not worthy!!”

  10. Teapots for Llamas*

    I wanted to give an update to everyone who offered their support and advice when I posted two weeks ago about my shock st finding out that my (soon-to-be-ex) husband wanted a divorce, and wanted it fast.

    I did get a lawyer, who is highly recommended. I did tell me friends and family, they have been an incredible source of support. I’m still reeling a bit, but I am taking care of myself, my cat, and my responsibilities.

    I’m looking at moving to be closer to some family in a totally different area of the country (from rural, conservative, snowy to urban, liberal, and warm!) and trying to make a long-contemplated career-switch at the same time.

    I’m doing okay now, and you guys helped me through that first, awful, push. Thank you!

    1. Fiennes*

      I’m glad to hear you’re moving forward and have assembled a great Team You. Good luck with all of it.

    3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      This sounds like a door closing, window opening situation. If change is being imposed you may as well go whole hog and change other things you have control over too.

      You sound like you are taking it all in stride, though, which is great!

    4. Turtlewings*

      I’m really glad to hear you’re keeping yourself together. On one hand I’d be wary of making so many changes during such an emotional time, but on the other hand, it might be really good for you! Best of luck with it all!

    5. Hellanon*

      Best thing to do is what you are doing: keep going!

      I went through something similar when I was 40 – divorce, major move & job change, and there were two things that helped me keep pushing forward. One was the thought that no matter how exhausting it all got, I had to keep going because staying put was not going to change anything. The other was that I had a responsibility to my future self to make my life into what I would need it to be: full of friends, in a place I loved, and doing good work. To that end I said yes to almost every invitation that came my way, and learned how to make friendships as a single person (not always easy at 40!). It was fun. It worked. You are doing all the right things and it still won’t be easy. But it will be worth it.

      1. Teapots for Llamas*

        Thanks, Hellanon! That’s exactly the headspace that I am in. I’m ready to take some chances and try new things.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        That future self thing is a pretty powerful motivator. When my husband passed I really did not give a crap about anything. Then it came over me that in years to come I would be REALLY ticked at me for not giving a crap now. So I did a bunch of stuff that benefited future me who might actually give a darn.

        Fast forward to now, all those PITA things I did added up and I am much better off than if I had fed into the negative.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      You sound really good, you sound focused and deliberate. This is stuff is so hard, but you will never regret your investment in yourself that you are making now. Keep us posted on how it’s going.

    10. King Friday XIII*

      If you can take care of yourself and your cat, and you’re excited about things the future can bring, then you’re doing AMAZING and we’re all rooting for you.

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      We’ve had several days in the 60s this week, and I realized how much I could live somewhere that 60s and sunny is normal February weather.

    13. Former Employee*

      Wow! I did not see your original post.

      However, the way you describe the move as both getting you closer to family and resulting in your being in an urban, liberal and warm part of the country, and you’ll be attempting to make a career change that you’ve been wanting to do, it sounds as if you are already seeing some positive aspects of the situation.

      Good for you!

  11. Aurora Leigh*

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and we’re starting to talk about “the future” and all that entails.

    Anyway, he would like me to move in. He thinks we should live together before we get married so we really know the other person first.

    I’m not opposed to this, but I already practically live at his house half the week. I stay over 3-4 nights a week, do lots of cooking, do all my laundry, keep tolitries in the bathroom, etc. I’m not sure what more he’d find out about me if I lived here full time.

    I’m not sure about the financial logistics — he owns his house, so it’s not like we’d both be on a lease and splitting rent. It seems weird to go in on someone else’s mortgage payments.

    I guess I’m thinking I would just like to know for sure that this a step toward getting married and we won’t just end up spending years living together (not anything people who choose that, it’s just not what I want).

    I know this is a conversation we need to have — any scripts? Also if you moved in with a SO, what did you learn about them you didn’t know before?

    1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

      Slightly off topic, but I’ve read/heard (and not just in NY Times editorials – actual psychology books/journals) that couples that do cohabitation before marriage are far more likely to end up divorced than those that do not. I’m not saying that’s the case with you at all, but you already seem really on the fence. I’ll see if I can find the source for you.

      1. Triplestep*

        So these are numbers that get talked and written about a lot, and after what I have heard and read myself, here’s the explanation I subscribe to: Some people move in together as a way to enhance commitment (“This is the next step to marriage!”). Others move in together as a way to forestall commitment (“If I just move in, I won’t have to get married any time soon!”). When two people who have these opposing views move in together and end up married, they are more likely to divorce. Why? Because getting married is easier than dividing up belongings and starting over.

        Aurora Leigh, I have been married twice, and have done it both ways – lived together first, and then didn’t. The first time is not applicable to this conversation because there was a surprise pregnancy at play. But the second time, we did not opt to live together even once we were fully committed because the wedding was far off, and I had kids at home. A family-member asked “Well, when is he moving in? I think people should live together before they get married”, and I’ll never forget the answer that naturally came out of my mouth: “We’re getting married because we love each other and have common values and goals. If it turns out he leaves his socks on the floor, that’s not going to change anything.”

        1. Parenthetically*

          Yeah, this right here. I think the research is starting to be a little more nuanced and show this sort of split.

      2. Natalie*

        I think the research in this area has evolved a lot. Even in studies that can identify an effect, a lot of them show that its disappeared in younger generations. Other studies show a very complex relationship of race/SES, intentions, finances, etc.

        That said, I do think it’s important to be very intentional about cohabiting. Inertia makes it really easy to stay in a relationship that’s “fine” but not great and kind of slide into marriage when you might have broken up otherwise (ask me how I know!). It’s also totally possible to wait to move in until you’re at least engaged, since at that point you’ve already made the decision to get married but it isn’t final.

        1. hermit crab*

          Also, even if there is a demonstrated effect, it’s still not 100% fated to happen for any given individual. (For example, not all smokers get lung cancer, even though that’s a very well demonstrated causal relationship and one that’s much simpler than human interactions!)

          Aurora Leigh, I think you are thinking about the right things and asking the right questions – and that will serve you well! For what it’s worth, my spouse and I didn’t live together full-time until a year AFTER we got married (two-body problem issues) and there were definitely still things we had to work out.

        2. TardyTardis*

          My daughter and her husband lived together before they married, and part of the reason they got married was to put him on her insurance. But…that was after they had moved across the continent with two cats and everyone survived, so I figured they were good to go anyway. They’ve been married for at least 5 years now, and are quite happy.

      3. ainomiaka*

        I have read that this disappears when you factor out religious drive-basically the never cohabitation group also includes the “it’s a sin to divorce even if there’s abuse” group.

        1. Lissa*

          Yeah I was going to say this. This correlation is largely because people who are comfortable with living together before marriage are also often people who are not against divorce. I don’t think living together before marriage actually *makes* it more likely for a couple to divorce later, whereas they wouldn’t have in an alternate universe where they did not live together.

          1. Triplestep*

            As is being said in some of the other responses, living together before marriage doesn’t *make* it more likely a couple will divorce, but it can contribute a couple deciding to marry for reasons that make divorce more likely. (Convenience, path of least resistance, etc.)

            I’ve heard the religious correlation you cite before, and while I think it is not insignificant, it’s probably also not the major reason it may have once been.

      4. Artemesia*

        I did not cohabit with my first husband and would not have considered no so doing before marrying again. 45 and counting on the second marriage. Many people marry in order to save a faltering relationship; this is probably more likely if cohabiting. And it is almost as hard to break up when you live together, especially if you have property in common as a divorce and so I think many people who cohabit end up drifting into marriage that they would not have undertaken if they were not living together.

        This kind of correlation of cohabitation and divorce is obviously masking the real issues that underly divorce. (and FWIW, it isn’t religion and religious barriers to cohabiting as atheists have the lowest divorce rate and fundamentalists the highest)

        1. Artemesia*

          But PS I would not move in with someone without being engaged if that is where you want this to go and in the OP’s case with lots of time spent together, I would be wary of moving in with this particular guy who seems to want to avoid marriage.

      5. Falling Diphthong*

        What I’d read was that living together upped the odds of divorce back when it was to some degree unusual to do so, but now there is no correlation. (That is, it makes your odds of divorce neither higher nor lower.) Theory was that in the 70s and 80s, one person saw it as a step toward marriage and one was stalling and didn’t really want to get married. Once it became a common thing the distinction went away.

        I have heard of people having good luck with 6 months in stating “So now you know what it’s like to live with me. Wanna get married?” And receiving “Sure.” Someone’s individual “I don’t want to get married until we’ve (dated 2 years/met each other’s families/lived together 1 year)” tests don’t have to make sense for the entire world, just for that couple. I would be hesitant if people are building in years of delay, or trying to test drive EVERYTHING that could happen over the ensuing decades.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Background: 49, married 28 years this summer. We lived in a shared apartment with other friends our senior year. I don’t feel strongly on the correctness of living together or not before marriage–I think it’s useful, or irrelevant, to individuals rather than being some universal test of compatibility.

          I will say Marriage Is Different. We hadn’t expected it to feel different, but we agreed afterward it did. And THAT I find is pretty widespread–that making vows before your family and putting legal teeth to it feels different in surprising ways, ways I don’t think living together, getting a dog together, etc mimic.

          I will pass on Carolyn Hax’s observation that she gets A LOT of letters from people who have 30 reasons to break up with their SO but it would require disentangling the dvd collections and blurg. Whereas if these people weren’t sharing living space the 30 reasons would obviously triumph. It’s fair for you to move in with a ring-in-a-year deadline in mind. (I firmly reject the “marriage light flips on, SO will marry the closest person of appropriate gender at that moment so you need to stick it out another decade and that’ll be you” model. That person just doesn’t want to marry you.)

      7. Kj*

        It is actually a problem of people “sliding, not deciding.” Basically, actively choosing to live together can make breaking up harder- so people “settle” and marry the person they live with even though they have doubts. This can be combatted by having a good discussion and being committed to not sliding into marriage because it is easy.

        My story: I moved in with my now husband after knowing him 6 months. He wanted me to. I was nervous. I ended up telling him that I would move in on two conditions: 1. we had to discuss marriage then and there, as I wasn’t moving in if marriage wasn’t the plan and 2. if we started arguing or fighting often, we had to go to couples’ counseling. The first was easy- he said he had always planned on marrying me and we agreed on a timeframe for getting engaged (not the next month by any means, but “within 18 months.”) . The second part was easy and we didn’t have to do it, but it is a nice agreement to have in your back pocket.

        My husband and I are lucky in someways- we planned and it worked, even though we hadn’t been together very long. But I was super-open about what I wanted- I was not co- habitting without a plan for marriage, as that seems to disadvantage the partner who makes less money (me) and I was worried about that. We are now married, own a house and are expecting our first child.

        Good luck!

    2. grace*

      My boyfriend and I have had similar discussions even though it’s a year out for us – but I was pretty upfront with him. I don’t mind moving in before marriage but I don’t want it to be a long time; I want a ring on my finger within a year, preferably less, and …. I just told him that. He’s more religious than I am and I knew already he felt the same way, so I was less anxious about saying it, but I think being upfront and honest about expectations and where your limits are (I’m not saying put an ultimatum on it, but a timeframe helps make things less fuzzy/in the air), and what his are, too.

      Good luck!

      1. Artemesia*

        I would not want a ‘ring on my finger within a year’; I would not move in till engaged. I have seen lots of guys use moving in as a way to avoid marriage.

        1. Kj*

          It depends on if you can trust them. And I’d argue if you don’t think you can trust them on this, you should break up now.

    3. Kimberlee, Esq.*

      The main difference in my experience is stuff. Even if you’re staying over 3-4 days a week and have clothes/toiletries there, its very different having all your stuff there, and having your own defined spaces. There will inevitably be some give and take; giving you a drawer in the dresser is very different for both of you than giving you an entire dresser!

      Right now, to some degree you’re living under his rules for the space, because it’s his space and you’re a guest. If you move in, it becomes a shared space and the dynamics of that are just different! If you want a new couch, you have to agree with another person on 1) whether you need it in the first place, 2) how much to spend, 3) what color/model to get, 4) how you want to set it up (do you want to rearrange the room?)

      None of this is bad or insurmountable, but it is worth working through before you commit to being with a person forever (imo!)

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        Funny story — I actually have a whole dresser! :D

        He didn’t own one when I met him, he literally just piled his clothes on the floor — and a few months in a co-worker of a family member had furniture to get rid of so we ended up getting two matching dressers!

        We’ve already split the cost of some major appliances. And I definitely have a voice in the ongoing kitchen remodel.

        But points to ponder!

        1. Artemesia*

          Then why his hesitation to proceed to engagement and marriage? I don’t want to marry someone who is not enthusiastically wanting to marry me.

          1. Aurora Leigh*

            Obviously digging deeper into this night bring something else to light . . . but I think it’s less of a “not eager to get married” and more of “box we should check beforehand?” kind of thing.

            I mean, his mom once asked him why I hadn’t moved in yet, not why he hadn’t given me a ring yet.

            We’ve adopted a dog together, which is definitely a commitment, and he’ll casually talk about being together very long term — stuff like “when I’m 70 will you let me wear a belt and suspenders”, or once “in a few years when we buy a bigger house”

            This is just new territory for both of us.

            1. hmm*

              I’m not sure where you’re from, but no one I know in my American New England/Midwest/Northwest late 20s early 30s social group (or my parents/aunt’s/uncles generation), had engagement before moving in. Perhaps this is a cultural expectation you have for some reason some of us here wouldn’t be familiar with? I would be very confused if his mom expected us to be engaged before living together! Lots of people see it as a step before engagement, sounds like talking to him about it could be helpful!

              1. Natalie*

                Huh, I’m the same age cohort (in the midwest) and I know a number of people that waited to move in until they were engaged. Not for any cultural reason, but to avoid the “sliding, not deciding” problem mentioned above. Including myself after ending a long cohabiting relationship – I decided I wouldn’t cohabit again until I was ready to marry someone, and my now-husband didn’t move in until we were engaged.

                1. hmm*

                  I really can’t think of a single person, except an evangelical Christian friend of a friend. I don’t doubt it happens and there’s nothing wrong with it, but I’d say at the least it’s not so common to assume everyone is thinking the same way and worth talking to the boyfriend about it. I also distinguish between “we plan on getting married” and engaged… Moving in can be a step towards marriage even without a formal engagement, you know?

            2. Betsy*

              I agree with the other commenters who were saying that the significance depends on your social group. In Australia, I don’t have any friends who didn’t live together before marriage. It’s so much just the normal thing to do here. It would be seen as strange not to live together before marriage and you’d assume the couple were ultra-conservative.

            3. Slartibartfast*

              I see some green flags here. Talking about your old age together, actively including your input on renovations, joint purchases and talking about a bigger house. Certainly say out loud that you want marriage and what timeframe are we looking at here, but it sounds like he wants a future together. People who are settling/sliding tend to not talk about the future, it brings up the uncomfortable truths they are avoiding.

            4. Slartibartfast*

              “I would just like to know for sure that this a step toward getting married and we won’t just end up spending years living together”
              I think this is your script. Maybe you could put your rent money in a wedding fund instead of his mortgage?

      2. Sparky*

        You and he might want to move some furniture around, maybe paint the bedroom, just so it isn’t his space, his choices, and it more becomes “ours” for the two of you. You can discuss paying him some money towards the mortgage, and what would happen if you two break up. Do you get some of it back?

      3. K*

        I agree with that. In both of the relationships where I lived with someone together, it was a huge difference. Suddenly to notice that shared costs became a constant issue for arguments or decisions on apartment issues was quite a revelation. Especially if you’re the one to move in, I’d be very candid about your expectations. It has to become also your home and not just “his house with you in it”.
        To me, these were valuable indicators whether I’d like to spend the rest of my life like this.

      4. Phlox*

        I’ve noticed this w my housemate. She was a half week honorary housemate dating my other housemate. But definitely different dynamic when she moved on for real in terms of house decision ownership etc

    4. Fiennes*

      My partner and I moved in together fairly early in our relationship, for various reasons, so my experience may not map exactly into yours. But for me at least, there turned out to be a huge difference between “together almost all the time” and “together all the time.” There’s no more point of retreat when you’re at your lowest; you have to learn how to work through that in the same space as the other person. You have to figure out how to make the time for all that boring annoying stuff you usually handle on your own (taxes, scrubbing grout). Managing money together is important. (Though I share your concerns re: paying half of someone else’s mortgage. When my guy first moved in with me, we split all expenses except the mortgage, which I insisted on paying in full on my own. As I was purchasing the house as my sole possession, this seemed to me to be the wisest course. I don’t think there’s any one way to handle this, but it’s something you guys ought to work through.) So I think living together full time teaches you a lot.

      That said, it sounds to me like you’re worried about getting stuck living together in a way that would postpone marriage. I’d urge you to talk this through with your boyfriend, both to make your expectations clear and to ensure that you’re both coming from a place of clarity and trust. Without that, IMO, there is no right decision. Good luck with whatever you choose.

      1. Divorcee...*

        “there turned out to be a huge difference between “together almost all the time” and “together all the time.””

        This was my experience too. You said you weren’t sure what he would find out about you, but you could find out things about him! I moved in with my ex before we were married, but when we were already engaged and deep into wedding planning. It was intensely stressful from day 1, for reasons I couldn’t then analyze or put into words. Basically, I lean towards being an introvert and he is emotionally needy–he focuses on needing his partner to validate him and be with him all the time to mediate his experiences and make him look good, sulks when he feels ignored. It was practically impossible to read in our home, for example, because he would want to watch TV *with*me*. I never noticed that kind of thing when I had a few nights a week at my own apartment. I didn’t have the guts back then to cancel or postpone my wedding based on inexpressable feelings of unease, so we got married and then divorced some years later. I truly believe that if I had lived with him first we wouldn’t have gotten married. Obviously it’s an extreme case because he’s had two other relationships that foundered at the living together stage whereas I can be kind of a loner, but I would never marry again without living together first.

        1. All Hail Queen Sally*

          I did live with my ex for a while before we married, but obviously not long enough. We too, had problems with the extrovert (him) introvert (me) dynamic. He couldn’t stand being alone for five minutes; I felt like was going insane without “me” time which he could never understand. I ended up leaving after ten miserable years.

        2. K*

          I know that problem in some way as well. My live-in partner has me rather watch his laptop screen and do nothing than actually doing something productive. This lead to me often feeling guilty when I’d like to do things on my own while he’s at home. It’s sad to think of it, but some of my best days are when he’s not around.

          OP, please also consider how you two spend free time alone when you’re going for marriage :)

          1. All Hail Queen Sally*

            My ex wanted me to watch him watch TV (sports–which I hate) rather than crochet, read, or anything else while I was in the same room with him. Very frustrating!

      2. Betsy*

        Or it could turn out to be really not an issue. I went from a long distance relationship to living with a partner in one bedroom in a sharehouse and we were just very happy and had no issues at all. From what I’ve heard it’s a big deal for some couples (who maybe have very different habits or lifestyles) and no big deal for a lot of others. I’d say our main issue ended up being about her being much more social than me and needing to compromise about when to go out and when to stay in.

    5. dr_silverware*

      There’s no harm in waiting to move in! Absolutely no harm. And there’s no harm in saying, “This isn’t a proposal, but if we move in together soon, I would really want marriage to be on the table. I’d love to live with you, but I really see it as a step to marriage. What do you think?”

      When I moved in with my boyfriend it was both really familiar and really strange. Familiar because we’d been together 2 years and had gone on an extended road trip together, so we’d spent a lot of time a maximum of one and a half feet away from each other. So I knew that I wasn’t going to get tired of him.

      On the other hand, I learned what he’s like when he’s down and Does Not want to move from the couch, and he learned what I’m like when I’m having an anxiety attack and can’t talk about what I’m feeling. Either of those things–anything–could have been a dealbreaker.

      So, I think it’s a case of you don’t know what you don’t know. And also: you can’t know for sure that once you live together marriage is a sure thing on the horizon, just say plainly what you want out of your life, and continue to see if the relationship works out.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yes. Having the “I see moving in together as a step toward marriage. How do you see it?” conversation is just so incredibly important. If you see it as a step up in commitment and then find out he sees it as a way to buy some time before making a commitment… I mean you definitely want to know that.

    6. Wondering*

      I moved in after we got engaged. I thought it wouldn’t be a shock because, like you, we half lived together. For us, though, it was a seismic shake. We were both about 30 and used to our space and ways. When dating, we were much more flexible about schedules and times because we were so excited to hang out. It’s easy to disrupt your life and put someone else first temporarily. But when we moved in, we had to align our routines. For example, I was used to coming home and watching TV for an hour before starting dinner. He, otoh, felt overloaded sensory wise at work and was used to coming home and doing some meditation. We lived in a one bedroom apartment, so doing both those things wasn’t really possible. We would have huge fights over things like who’s turn it was to cook, or who got the good parking spot. We worked it out, but we had to learn how to have productive conversations.

      Before moving in, talk about finances really thoroughly. Who is paying what, when. I wasn’t on his lease, so I paid him, and it felt weird. When we moved again, I insisted on being on the lease.

      Scripts- maybe something like, “I’m open to moving in together as the next step, but marriage is important to me. I would like to be engaged within a year (or whatever you want, op.)”. Or, you could suggest getting engaged before moving in.

    7. Muriel Heslop*

      I am married to someone who didn’t want to live together before we got married because he had lived with two other women (one of whom he married) and neither worked out. A week or so ago Man Repeller had an article about what you need to talk about before you move in with someone and what the good and bad reason are for doing so. I read over it with my husband and he said he wished he had done his homework like that. We thought it was a great article, and I suggest checking it out. Good luck!

    8. Forking Great Username*

      My husband and I did end up moving in together before getting engaged, and it wasn’t something we initially agreed on. I definitely agree with what you seem to already know – it’s important to have a talk about where/how you each envision this going. I had always imagined that I’d be engaged before moving in with a guy. My husband had a broken engagement in his past that had ended when they moved in together and had that go terribly, so he was set on moving in before getting engaged. In the end I did end up moving in with him without being engaged, but we were looking at rings and actively talking engagement. He ended up proposing about two months after I moved in. I really don’t think I learned any new things things about him – we mesh very well in a cohabitation situation (similar habits/preferences) and had talked about the money stuff and chores pretty in depth before I moved in.

    9. Co-habitation Stuff*

      My then boyfriend and now husband and I moved in together after dating 8 months, we lived together for more than a year and have been married a year. We had *many* honest conversations about our expectations for domestic bliss and what kind of big picture futures we could imagine before moving in and I couldn’t imagine being where we are if we hadn’t lived together first. We found out more about each other after living together than just the several days a week sleep overs, and I wouldn’t have married him if I didn’t know for example that he could maintain some of cleaning standards that are essential to my mental health. As far as scripts, I tried to cultivate conversations about feelings and expectations rather than immediate solutions. So, for example, a similarity in our situation was the finances of living together, and I said things like “I make less money than you, how do you feel is the most fair to split bills?” or “Your student loans are 98% of our combined debt, how do you think we should pay for those?” and also, “Dude, I would like to live with you as a step to marriage, do you feel the same? And if so, how do you want to navigate a time line for that?” We still have these types of conversations, and sometimes we revisit a topic one million times to discuss multiple options that we can both feel as good as possible about!
      Also, I struggled in past relationships with people who were “talkers” and not “doers” so I emphasized that action needed to follow declaration of wants, and setting that precedent early on with my husband has been essential. For example, your boyfriend says he would like you to move in, I would say something like “Great, lets negotiate some of these things to decide if this can work for what we both want, and then if we are all systems go, I will need you to do x,y,z (I need 2 cleaned out drawers in the dresser, or I need a cleared out closet for my clothes) before I move in so that I can feel comfortable with sharing space with you!”
      Good Luck!

      1. many bells down*

        Mr. Bells and I moved in together after 3 months of dating. It felt less like “the next step” in the relationship and more like the “inevitable progression of being together forever.” And it’s been 15 years, so I think we’ve done all right.

    10. Red Reader*

      Financial logistics: I own my house, and my first-boyfriend-then-fiancé-now-husband has always paid me the same rent/bills as our other two housemates. (I pay the same amount into the rent account myself every month, and pay the mortgage and bills out of it.) We haven’t had any formal leases (though we have informally documented the arrangements), but you could do if it made you feel better. The general idea at first was, he’d be paying rent somewhere anyway, so why not pay it to me instead. At this point, it’s just what works best for us between our choices of financial separation and our prenup.

    11. the gold digger*

      For me, I didn’t care about living together before marriage because I knew no matter whom I married, he would annoy me somehow.

      We did live together (and bought our house together) before we got married, but only because of the way his lease worked out and the state law re marriage after divorce. Before that, though, we had had a lot of conversations about money and how we spend and how we save and how much we each had. Those conversations were harder to have than the sex history conversation.

      1. Triplestep*

        ” …because I knew no matter whom I married, he would annoy me somehow.”

        This literally made me laugh out loud. I should have been thinking along these lines!

    12. neverjaunty*

      It sounds like you already have your scripts. “I’m not sure about the financial logistics. And I would like to know for sure that this is a step toward getting married, and not just ending up living together for a while, because that’s not what I want.”

      Also, if you’re over there that often, you already have all the information you need about what his living space is like and his habits.

    13. Typhon Worker Bee*

      On the financial side – my sister was renting before she moved in with her partner, who was about a year or so away from paying off his mortgage at the time. They hadn’t been together all that long and he’d been badly financially burned in a previous relationship, so he was reluctant to have her chip in for the mortgage; that would entitle her to a share of his house if they broke up, and he might not be able to afford to buy her out. So he kept on paying the mortgage 100% from his own account, and she took over paying the other bills instead of paying mortgage or “rent”. A semantic difference, really, but an important distinction legally! It worked out really well for them and they split the cost when they renovated last year, so she does now have some claim on the house, not that I think it’ll be a problem!

    14. Not So NewReader*

      Know yourself first. This is a conversation between you and you initially. What is it you want? What are you willing to flex on? Do you have a time frame in mind? How long are you willing to wait to be married?

      Using a really basic example, I knew I wanted a dog. Not up for debate. I had to have a dog. I moved on to other big picture things such as I wanted continuity and I wanted security. Yeah, so I was pretty sure marriage was the route I wanted to go. I dragged my heals because of family issues. After a couple years my guy said to me, “Poop or get off the pot. Get in or get out. Let me find someone who will follow up on all this building a life together stuff.”

      Okay, really bad delivery there, but I understood his point. (This guy was not a jerk although you really can’t see that in this example.) We had to talk about the family stuff going on and how we would handle it as a married couple. We were on the same page about building a life together so we worked from that as our starting point.

      It is fine to say that you are looking for a relationship that goes into marriage. It’s fine to say that if he has any doubts he should say so. That way you can talk out the concerns or you can decide that maybe you two are almost perfect for each other except for the marriage thing.

      If you are not comfortable with his answers let that discomfort inform you.

    15. LAI*

      I moved into my boyfriend’s (now fiance’s) house, and we got engaged about 6 months later. I do think *actually* living together is different from spending most days/nights together. For one thing, having zero private space or time was a change for me. I personally like to have quiet time when I’m just reading, hanging out with my dog and no one is talking to me or making noise around me, and I like to do that at home. It’s been fine cause my partner has a lot of outdoor activities and is frequently out of the house. I definitely think the biggest thing is how my attitude toward his (now our) house changed when I moved in. Before, it was his house so I was happy to help clean up, but keeping it organized and running was ultimately his responsibility. Now it’s a shared responsibility. And basically, your decisions affect each other a lot more when you live together. For example, recently my fiance wanted to buy new tupperware and we had to have a whole conversation about it because I thought the ones we already had were fine and there wasn’t room for more, etc. In the end, if you’re already compatible, I think you can know that living together is likely to go well, but it IS different.

      I pay him rent every month and I don’t think that’s weird. Although now that we’re engaged, we might change to a model where I put money into a joint account each month and we use that account for things the house needs.

    16. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      There is a difference between spending a ton of time there and actually living there. My boyfriend moved in with me, and 5 months later we’d completely fallen apart. We could not live together.

    17. hmm*

      I’ve been living with my SO for almost two years now, and I’ve gotten a lot out of it! The sorts of communication for running a house in particular (there’s just more to do than in a flat) has affirmed my decision to marry him soon.

      For instance, I know how we split chores, that he carries his own weight, he listens to my needs without getting offended, we’ve had serious conversations about emotional labor… He is indeed the feminist of my dreams! It is certainly different than when he was at my place several days a week. We are both responsible for this space. I suppose theoretically this could’ve happened if we lived together after marriage, but I think the lower stakes involved (we’re not married!) make it easier to solve problems because there’s less pressure to make it work. Despite what others say, if problems had come up, I’d feel more pressured to make it work when married, not before!

      Logistics – how will you pay rent, what will happen if you move out… You need a lease, essentially. And more so, have you talked to him specifically about your marriage plans? That’s the way to confirm this is leading to marriage! Before getting serious with my guy we had detailed conversation about what we both want in the future.

    18. kc89*

      3-4 nights a week plus having separate homes is a lot different than 7 nights a week and one home. I’ve known multiple couples who had similar set ups and were happy and then when they officially moved into one home they quickly broke up.

      Not saying that will happen of course, but you might find living together in one home to be a lot different than you anticipated.

      1. Mary Smith*

        I think living together is a really important thing to do before marriage so you truly see him at his worst and see if that’s acceptable to you. I also think it helps to see any potential signs of abuse before marriage (my family used to rescue women who were being abused and they always said it started after they moved in).

        With that said, I see your point about moving in. I would have a really frank sit-down with him and ask “Do you see this as a step toward marriage?” If he says yes, then “If I move in and all continues to go as planned, what would be your expectation of when we’d take the next step and get married?” Don’t let him off with half-answers, you wand a solid yes/no to the first and probably a number of years or months for the second.

    19. Kuododi*

      The one thing I would tell you having heard the horror stories from my mother the retired bank manager….do not under any circumstances cosign for loans, buy in together on a morgage for a house, cosign for cars etc unless y’all are legally married. If something happens and y’all split as an unmarried couple….it would be a nightmare from the seventh circle of h*** to disengage yourself. I’m a big fan of relationships, commitment and long term planning however I am also aware that Prince Charming is a fairy tale!!!! The only guaranteed things in life are death and taxes so make sure and be pragmatic while looking out for your future!! Best wishes and Mazel Tov!!!

    20. Elizabeth West*

      Hmmmmmmmm
      Well, I lived with someone and though we didn’t get married, we functioned as if we were. And when he ended the relationship and I had to move out of what I considered my home, I felt very much as if I were getting divorced. The only good thing about that was I had no legal fees. It could have been so much worse (just watch Judge Judy for a few weeks), but he was a decent guy and didn’t pull any shenanigans.

      If you’re going to live with someone, you will have no legal recourse if something goes wrong, so I would advise sitting down and getting in writing how you plan to do bills, etc. I’m very leery of the idea of paying into his mortgage, too. If you’re married, in most jurisdictions legalities exist surrounding joint property and how it would be handled if someone leaves. But if you’re only cohabiting, there likely won’t be squat.

      One of the women I worked with at the cafeteria where I first met my ex had been living with a man for twenty years, and she’d paid into his mortgage and everything. One day, he kicked her out, just like that. Every bit of money she’d put into that home was gone. Because of that, and the uncertainty I had regarding my relationship with my ex, I will never again move in with a man unless we have a firm wedding date set.

      I’m not saying your SO would take advantage of you. For all I know, he’s a saint. I’m just saying please make sure you protect yourself. Get it in writing, always.

    21. WillyNilly*

      My personal opinion/advice to folks is to not move intogether until/unless officially engaged. This is based on my own experiences and what I have witnessed among friends & family.

      My reasoning is moving sucks. Breaking up sucks. If you are not engaged (but in the grand scheme of life someday want to be married), you are saying “breaking up is a very real possible outcome of this relationship; we are not ready to commit to even attempting forever yet.” So why risk combining two really, really sucky, hard, huge life issues (moving & breaking up).

      Now sure, engagements can be broken, and marriages end. But at least there was a plan for forever, instead of a plan for “it could go either way.”

      YMMV

      1. Anonymous Pterodactyl*

        I agree with your underlying sentiment, but I want to push back on some of it.

        Moving in with someone when you aren’t sure if the relationship has legs is almost always a really bad idea. The only possible exception would be if you are both confident that if you break up, you’ll still function fine as roommates… and lucky enough to be correct about it, too. Otherwise, you’re creating premature financial (and/or legal and/or other) ties with someone that can be tricky, and sucky, to break. Leases don’t just vanish when one of you moves out, and if neither of you can pay what’s owed, they can end up dragging down both of your credit for years. And future creditors are not hugely sympathetic to tales of “We cosigned, but they didn’t pay when we broke up.” Okay… but neither did you. Moving in together because it’s easier to go along than split up… really bad idea.

        But I do strongly disagree engagement or marriage are the sole markers of making a plan for the future or being committed to moving forward, and that moving in together without those is indicative of a mindset of “breaking up is a very real possible outcome” or “we are not ready to commit to attempting forever”.

        For myself, living together is a step on the path of commitment. I would not move in with someone I did not see a real future with. But I’m also pretty ambivalent about marriage as a legal and social institution, so a viable relationship does not have to include future marriage for me to see it as a long-haul kind of thing. I lived with a former partner for about five and a half years, and we had no plans to get married at any point unless absolutely necessary (such as for health insurance benefits). We ultimately broke up, but for reasons that would have caused us to split even if we had gotten married. It was simply not a component of the depth of our relationship.

        I’ve been living with my current nesting partner for about three years, and we are tentatively discussing marriage. He is much more interested in it than I am, and I have needed some time to come around to the idea. But my uncertainty about that has never been uncertainty about *him*, and he would have been ok with it if I had ultimately decided that I found the institution of marriage too unethical to participate in.

    22. RestlessRenegade*

      Not super relevant to your question, OP, because neither I nor my boyfriend have ever wanted to get married–but there was a huge difference when we went from me staying at his house 6-7 nights a week and us living together. It’s different for you since he owns his house, but I learned a LOT about my partner when apartment hunting and then living together. Not all of it was good. I think a lot of it depends on how home-focused you are. I am extremely sensitive to my environment and I am a control freak, so living together has been a challenge for me in lots of ways, but it was also a natural progression for us and I wouldn’t have been happy living apart.

      I think, though, that since you want a commitment to marriage, you might be better off not moving in until you guys have discussed that more and you know where he stands on that. Good luck!

    23. Aurora Leigh*

      Thanks everyone for all the thoughtful replies! It so great to see the range of experiences people have had. I’ll update you all on what we decide. :)

    24. Koala dreams*

      Here in Sweden it’s super common to live together without being married, or to live together for several years and then getting married. The one thing is not at all a step towards the other thing.

      So yes, it’s great to discuss what you want before hand.

      Good luck with the future!

  12. Shay*

    BIID is not analogous to being Transgender and stating such is problematic.

    TL;DR Being transgender is so much more than being “born in the wrong body” and comparing it with BIID is offensive because it simplifies transgender experiences to this inaccurate and offensive narrative. Without this narrative BIID and the transgender experience have little in common.

    Being transgender doesn’t inherently lead to the person wanting to or fantasizing about taking dramatic steps to self harm as a way to relieve the anguish inherent to being transgender. Conflating the two experiences leads to minimizing the anguish and stigma that are faced by transgender people because it can’t be as severe as wanting to cut off your own leg.

    Being transgender doesn’t inherently come with gender dysphoria, comparing the experience with BIID perpetuates the myth that it does and that mild dysphoria doesn’t make one valid enough.

    While gender and disability are both social constructs they are wildly different social constructs. I am multiple disabled (physically, neurologically, and psychologically) and transgender and my experiences of gender and ability are incredibly different from each other, such that I find the comparison between a transgender and BIID experience nonsensical, ridiculous, and offensive. Offensive because it the conflation of the two experiences means that neither are well understood in the person’s mind and because they are both too complex to be simplified as such.

    Also, while my sample size is currently very small (of trans and disabled people) we are currently in 100% agreement that BIID should not be compared with being transgender.

    While not much about BIID is well understood, it seem widely agreed upon that the desire to become disabled starts in early childhood. “Born in the wrong body” does not accurately summarize the transgender community and conflating the two experiences because of this perpetuates the idea that trans people must have known they were trans from childhood to be real and valid and deserve whatever transition related medical care they desire.

    Also it perpetuates the idea that transgender people must transition to be transgender, which, again, is not true.

    It is possible to (and in fact we SHOULD) accept someone who says they are a woman or man or transgender despite that person doing nothing to transition or outwardly convince you as such. It is not possible to accept someone with BIID as being blind or an amputee when they have done nothing to “transition”. However, it is possible to accept them as someone suffering from BIID. Which is what we should do.

    It’s so much complex

    Encouraging people to experiment with gender harms no one, and helps others understand gender more empathetic and complexly. Notably, when exploring gender one is exploring their own gender experiences and not that of others. Encouraging people to experiment with disability harms disabled people as it can perpetuate the idea that disabled people are faking or not as disabled as they really are. Notably, those with BIID are not exploring their own ability experiences, but are instead exploring that of others.

    All someone needs to do to be a man is to identify as a man.

    The experience someone with BIID has to their desired disability is notably different because their experience with that disability will be inherently different to someone without BIID.

    The two will have different struggles and different journeys to self acceptance. To ignore BIID in this element is to ignore the very fraught relationship those without BIID have to their disabilities. BIID sufferers who have disabled themselves or who imagine doing so tend to describe it in universally positive terms. This is not the case for others with disabilities and a large part of a disability identity surrounds one’s journey around their relationship to their disability.

    So, this all to say, you can’t say, “I’m blind” and be blind, either in the social or medical sense of the word. And since medical disability identity does exist (it is not purely social like with gender) this should not be ignored. To say, “Oh, well if you say you’re blind I guess you’re blind.” And to conflate it with the transgender experiences is to imply that to someone who says, “I’m a man.” but doesn’t look or act like how you think a man should look or act, or how you think a woman should look or act if she wants to be seen as a man, is to say to that person, “That’s very nice that you think that.” with a condescending head pat. You do not accept that that person’s internal experience is that of a man.

    The internal experience of someone with BIID is that they deeply desire to be disabled in their given way but that desire itself is not an inherently disabled experience and to say that it is misunderstands the experiences of the disabled.

    To take the attitude with someone with BIID that that’s very nice you think that, is to affirm the reality that they know that they are not blind but want to be. It should come as part of a larger discussion about how best to respect that person. But to believe someone with BIID isn’t blind just because they say they are, but instead to believe that they have a difficult and painful mental illness that drives them to wish to be blind, to the point of pretending without malicious intent or to pouring drain cleaner into their eyes is to believe and respect reality and, in turn, to respect that person with BIID.

    BIID will likely never have medically sanctioned surgeries because BIID does persist after the sufferer has become disabled in the way they desired. Let’s just not get into “detransitioning” because it’s really complicated and wrapped up in non binary gender experiences and there are a handful of very well known and very BS studies about it.

    Also, detransitioning is a thing in the first place. Cures for what BIID sufferers want to do to themselves do not exist.

    Also, when it comes to “transable” and “trans-racial” why is there concern about appropriating disability or racial identity but not transgender identity?

      1. Book Lover*

        I think one of the regular question/answers during the week. About the man who feels he is paraplegic and therefore uses a wheelchair.

      2. NaoNao*

        There was a question post earlier this week about a person using a wheelchair who has BIID and there was a lively discussion of how it does or does not correlate to transpeople’s experiences. A complex idea and topic, indeed. Very interesting.

      6. Reba*

        There was a letter about this recently, and it was requested to have a longer discussion over here (rather than totally bog down that thread).

      1. Shay*

        It really bothered and upset me, so I’m glad I could take the negative energy and turn it into something positive.

        1. Rulesfor*

          Agreed. I was really upset about it all week, and I really appreciate your taking the time to make the comment in this thread.

    3. AngelicGamer aka that visually impaired peep*

      Shay, could you point me towards some good material on medical disability identity? I know I could google but I feel like you might know a good starting point instead of me flailing around.

      Thank you so much!! <3 I loved hearing your thoughts and, as much as I support people with BIID, I so agree that it is not anywhere near what transgender is. Apples and oranges x1000.

      1. Shay*

        Hmm
        I’ve written about it a few times but I haven’t gotten published yet. Im on a feild trip at the moment but when I get home I’ll dig it up for you.

      2. Book req*

        Carl Elliot has a chapter about BIID specifically in his book Better Than Well. The book is about fifteen years old, so it’s probably not the most accurate representation of contemporary psychiatric and social theory, but I remember his account being fairly compassionate.

      3. Shay*

        Okay, if you are not still around I completely understand! But if you are…

        Mel Baggs at http://withasmoothroundstone.tumblr.com/
        They have a very extensive book collection by and about autistic people (and sometimes disability more broadly) and many of these books handler identity. I’m having a hard time finding a list of what books are in this collection, but if it’s not out there I’m sure Mel would have no problem sharing the titles.

    4. Marvel*

      Thanks for articulating this so well. I’m also a trans person and I was pretty upset with some of the comparisons happening in that comment thread. I understand why they look superficially similar to people how have little to no experience with either, but I think people who have such limited experience should perhaps consider that it’s not a good idea to compare two things you are not very well-versed in to begin with.

    5. Thursday Next*

      Thank you, Shay, for all the nuance you present here. I’ve been thinking about the BIID letter a lot this week myself. I had reflexively resisted the analogy between BIID and transgender that some people were offering, but couldn’t articulate why; it was knee-jerk emotion, not logic. Your comment today has given me a lot to think about.

    6. Rahera*

      I really appreciate reading this, Shay, thank you. I was very worried by the trans and BIID comparisons going on in the other post.

    7. Close Bracket*

      > Also, when it comes to “transable” and “trans-racial” why is there concern about appropriating disability or racial identity but not transgender identity?

      I wonder about this a lot. I am fully committed to treating people as the gender they say they are. I am also uncomfortable with trans-racial identities, and I have trouble pin-pointing why. One thing I can say that I have noticed is that while there are both trans men and trans women, there are very few trans-white people, and very few trans-able-bodied people. In other words, transgender identities exist in both more-privileged to less-privileged (MtF) and less-privileged to more-privileged (FtM) directions (alongside all the other trans identities). Trans-racial identities are overwhelmingly from more-privileged to less-privileged, and trans able is defined as able-bodied people identifying as disabled, i.e., more-privileged to less-privileged. I’m not sure what this implies exactly about the differences. I sense a certain fetishization of marginalized groups. Regardless of the meaning, there is an identifiable difference in how trans gender and trans racial/trans abled identities present in society.

      Thoughts? Am I just a trans racial/trans able bigot?

      I give serious side eye to otherkins.

  13. Lily Evans*

    Does anyone have any tips for getting better at interior design? I really want to re-decorate my bedroom but I just have no natural talent for design. I know what I like and have a general idea of how I’d like my room to look in the end, but getting from point a to point b eludes me. I’m not talking like heavy duty changes since it’s a rental, just stuff like choosing a new rug, how to hang frames so they look nice together, and arranging furniture. I know that like any other talent there must be tricks out there for getting better at it, I just haven’t found them yet.

    1. grace*

      I’ve found pinterest has a lot of helpful guides – how to pick a rug for the size of your room, etc. I also like watching HGTV (I’m a huge Joanna Gaines junkie to be totally honest), which I think helps because they often explain aloud why they’re picking what they are, and how it works in the room can be seen within an hour.

      1. Windchime*

        I’m not good at decorating, either. Most of what is in my living room is from Pottery Barn and Pier 1, and my sister helped me pick it all out.

        I used Pinterest for my bedroom and it turned out great. I based it on a rug that I found on Overstock (https://tinyurl.com/y85bwcxj) and started a Pinterest board based on that. Then I just kind of found elements that I thought looked good with it (again, with sister’s help) and my bedroom turned out pretty good! I mostly credit the rug; it’s not my normal style but I loved it for a long time before I got it and I’ve never been sorry.

    2. Fiennes*

      Apartment Therapy might be a place to start. They can be faddish, and sometimes they shill stuff, but they offer many good posts about core decorating advice and tricks. Also, there are tons of house tours that show off individual homes decorated on budgets actual humans can afford. Lots of DIY and rental-specific advice too.

    3. Kimberlee, Esq.*

      Grace’s thoughts are super on point! It’s also worth noting that the things you’re pointing out as being tricky for you isn’t really a natural talent; its all logistics! Some people have a good eye for design, and for seeing the potential in a space and having a knack for what looks good together, but none of that makes the actual logistics of learning about different kinds of frames, what the pros and cons of different rug types are, and how to arrange furniture in a room much easier! People learn that over time. Pinterest, as grace points out, is a great way to start learning those things. There’s also a mobile game called Design Home that I play all the time that’s an interior design game that uses real products from real brands.

      The other way to learn is by doing! Check out rugs on Overstock and get an idea of what grabs your attention as you scroll endlessly through the options. Go to a frame store and look at all the options, and think about what you like.

      Oh, and I’m always telling people… consider an accent wall in a different color! Its a good way to refresh a room that you don’t want to invest the full expense of painting in. I think we’re gonna do an accent wall in our living room, and we just need to decide on a color.

      1. LPUK*

        Seconding the feature wall advice – I hate the blandness of all white/ cream rooms, but colour on every wall is a big commitment. Colour on one wall, or even two can make a huge difference to the mood of a room, and also help pull everything together. I have a soft olive green in my living room, chocolate brown in my guest bedroom and a lovely glossy conker colour in my kitchen which makes me happy every time I took at it.
        One thing I would do is paint the colour you are thinking of on a piece of paper first, stick it to the wall and then live with it for a week or so, checking what it’s like at different times of the day and in different lighting conditions

    4. Pat Benetardis*

      I have found the Houzz app to be really helpful. You can analyze what you like about certain rooms and then try to recreate those elements with your own things.

    5. Where's my coffee?*

      Check out the book “The Perfectly Imperfect Home” for good inspiration. And remember it’s always better for a room to be “wrong” but “you” than it is for a room to be “right” but “not really you.”

      Some general good tips:

      -Get a much bigger rug than you think. IKEA, Amazon, and Overstock have big rugs for reasonable prices.

      -Some people love one big piece of art; some people like the look of many mismatched frames artfully arranged. If you do the latter, arrange the frames on a sheet on the floor. Does one side look “heavier” than the other? When in doubt, one big piece makes a bigger impact and is (imho) easier to pull off. I have a beautiful, giant painting in my garage that was done by my kids.

      -Some decorators aren’t into displaying family photos, but I love ’em–especially casual shots that have been enlarged and printed on canvas. In general, hang pics with the center at eye level unless over a sofa.

      -Arranging furniture is a beast for everyone, since builders do not apparently think about how humans actually use rooms. Leave space to walk around furniture when possible, but mostly do what feels comfortable. Smallish ottomans with trays can used for everything from seating to coffe tables to nightstands.

      -Lamps and curtains make a room look more finished. Custom curtains are breathtakingly expensive, but IKEA has a line of cotton velvet curtains that I have used in traditional, modern, and eclectic rooms with great results. They have enough weight to not look cheesy, and they’re good for acoustics and warmth. If you like a breezy look, they also have affordable linen-type curtains.

      Good luck and have fun!

      1. Reba*

        If you can sew and are reasonably good with measurements, making your own curtains is definitely within reach! There are many cool upholstery fabrics these days that you can buy online.

        I remember when I first added curtains to the blinds that came with the apartment, I did feel a bit like I had arrived. :)

        Many of the Ikea curtains do look great, as well.

    6. Reba*

      Find a designer you like who has a decent web presence (echoing apartment therapy as a place to do that, too, as well as self-decorators). Emily Henderson comes to mind if you like California style, and she has a website where she often breaks down the decisions that she’s made for different rooms/projects.

      I know Apt Therapy has some posts on arranging frames and hanging tips for sure. In most of my home we have had the artwork first (lucky to have artist friends) and worked the other items around that.

      I’ll share my pet peeve, which is not understanding where you need vertical vs. horizontal pieces of art. Put a horizontal piece over your bed (or a set of squares a verticals that function like a horizontal)!

      Have fun with your project! That’s exciting!

    7. HannahS*

      Design blogs and pinterest? I honestly look up stuff like “gallery wall” or “how to hang photos” or even “decorating 101” and there are loads and loads of posts of how-tos. This post in particular kind of blew my mind, because it brought me back to TLC’s Trading Spaces of yore, when a designer would coo at a pillow and be all “THIS was my inspiration” and I thought they were nuts. But it makes sense! https://www.viewalongtheway.com/2014/02/cheater-formula-decorating-blank-room/

      The other value of blogs, to me, is that many of them are/were written by stay-at-home moms who wanted to make their houses look nice, so it’s not quite as out-of-reach for me as looking at an redesign in a magazine, where they had ten thousand dollars and a team of professionals.

    8. Lily Evans*

      Thanks to everyone who’s commented so far! I can already tell that Apartment Therapy is going to be a great rabbit hole of info for me to spend the afternoon reading!

      1. Aphrodite*

        I am an AT addict as well and it is a great resource. One thing worth considering is using their search function for specific things you are interested in such as rugs, bedroom. That will bring up all the posts that have anything to do with that narrow subject.

        Though I subscribe to all the shelter magazines, my favorite is House Beautiful. The editor is damn good. You can also, if you don’t plan to keep them, tear out pages that have something that particularly appeals to use like a color, the way a bed is made, a lamp, or just about anything. Also, start perusing CraigsList (be careful and particular) and thrift and antique stores-but don’t be in a hurry. Take plenty of time and if it takes you a year or five to fix your bedroom the way you want it that’s okay. Every single thing in there should be something you love!

        Have fun with it.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      One thing I found helpful is the thought that all the choices I make have one common thread: It’s something *I* like. My tastes/preferences are that common thread. This is good to realize, a person tends to gravitate toward similar colors/styles/materials over and over. So as you go along keep track of the things that grab your attention over and over. Looking for the features and characteristics that you seem to go toward will help lessen the whirlwind of choices.

      Another thing to do that helps with budget is to get practical as often as possible. Initially, I liked furniture that served two functions. For example a coffee table with storage space or a couch with a pull out bed. Think about how you use each space and what would make the space work best for you.

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      You might poke around the library design shelves and see if any books draw your hand. One thing I really liked in the Not So Big House series was that it could spell out the patterns that underlay my “I like this room, but not this one” feelings. (So I like light on 2 sides and a circulation path; I don’t care about ceiling heights.)

    11. Just a Concerned Third Party*

      This could end up being a rather large time commitment, so it probably isn’t exactly practical advice, but … try learning to use a 3D design program like SketchUp. Download some of the furniture / object models from their library, drop them into a box, and play around with the positioning, colors, and patterns to make a few virtual rooms with whatever you like in them. For extra realism, you can go on stores’ websites to get photos of paintings or rugs that you’re considering and stick them right on your 3D objects. It’s pretty low-stakes and you don’t have to spend a cent on any of it if you don’t want to.

      1. Ann*

        This is what I did! My brother makes fun of me for it, but I have a weirdly shaped apartment so it really helped me visualize different layouts without having to actually move the furniture. I used sketch-up and modeled everything myself (except for Ikea furniture, which was all in the library), so it meant it was fairly accurate and I could see things like “what’s the first thing people see when they walk in the door?” or “how visible is the TV from the kitchen”

        If you don’t want to 3D model stuff, you could also use a program like Visio to make a 2D floorplan. (Visio makes it pretty easy to make it to scale)

      2. Jillociraptor*

        Floorplanner.com is similar to this but I think a slightly shallower learning curve. You can build a floorplan in 2D and then view it in 3D to get a sense for proportions and flows. It has a whole bunch of furniture already loaded in, and most of it can be customized to different sizes and colors.

        Also, IKEA has several planning tools that can help with visualizing those products in a 3D space.

    12. Betsy*

      This is more general design, but my high school art teacher said never to have more than four colours in any one artwork. So if I’m thinking about how to set out a room, I try to think of two key colours for furniture and bedding, etc. knowing that I own a few things that might go against the overall scheme. I tend to like light blue/grey at the moment, so my bedding is usually that colour, as well as other soft furnishings. I ended up with a mustard colour chair and a red mid-century armchair I’d bought on eBay and then I own a lot of wood furniture, so dark brown ended up as the fourth colour.

      I try to keep everything quite minimal and not cluttered, so I try to have a few pieces of beautiful furniture I love, and some high quality bedding, and keep it at that.

    13. Jillociraptor*

      I love browsing furniture and decor stores to see how they’ve laid things out and put different pieces together. I’m that nerd who will spend hours in IKEA going through every showroom. I’ve developed a better idea of what appeals to me by looking at the differences between spaces that immediately pop versus those I don’t like as much.

      There’s also an iPhone game called Design Home (pretty sure it’s free) that’s mostly fun but could also be an interesting way to start to practice some of the composition parts of design. Basically, you get a few challenges each day where you have to place furniture and decor items in a space, usually with some parameters (like, you have to use a green chair and a gold lamp or something). You can start to analyze proportion, mixing or matching colors/textures, and how to fit different kinds of decor with the “bones” of the space. Part of the game is also rating other designs so you get the opportunity to keep refining your own point of view as you see what works for you and what doesn’t. (That said, I’d take the ratings your own designs get with a grain of salt — you need to rate designs to get the “points” to play the game so I think most people aren’t spending tons of time in careful contemplation!)

  14. Baguette*

    Does anyone have any experience with landlords/letting agents letting themselves into your property illegally?

    I’m currently getting a situation (hopefully) resolved where a letting agent used their key to get into our flat without notice nor for an appropriate reason. We were all in bed at the time, it’s just so creepy.

    It’s hopefully going to be handled so it doesn’t happen again, but I’m just so astounded that it would happen in the first place and not realise (or not care) that it breaks the tenancy agreement and the law! Has anyone had a similar thing happen to them? And what did you do?

    1. dr_silverware*

      Had this happen to a lesser degree–it states in my lease that maintenance should notify us an hour before entering the apartment (which is too short a time imo). But we came home and found out that someone had been in to change the smoke alarm.

      Called my landlord to remind them about the one hour notice period, kept the smoke alarm box, wrote down what happened, etc. I don’t think there’s recourse except getting money back through small claims court if you need to break your lease and move. But IANAL and I’d check with a tenants’ rights group in your city.

      1. Baguette*

        Currently waiting for a response from the boss, but the agent who came in and their colleague have both told me this is common procedure for the agency, so I assume no firing will be happening.

        1. Observer*

          And you really believe anything this guy says? I mean it COULD be true, but he could also be lying through his teeth.

    3. Ramona Flowers*

      In the UK this is completely illegal and can be considered harassment. If that’s where you live I would give Shelter a call. They are super helpful.

      1. Baguette*

        I am in the UK yeah. I have heard of calling Shelter about this kind of thing! I think unless I get a “we’re so sorry this will never happen again” response then I’ll call.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          What concerns me is them saying that it’s standard procedure for your agency. That’s not ok. They need to be giving you 24 hours notice beforehand unless there’s some kind of emergency. Had you not mentioned that I would have thought this one agent had gone rogue. I would give Shelter a call – expect to be asked what kind of tenancy agreement you have and whether it contains a break clause as those are just useful in helping them give advice tailored to your exact situation.

          1. Baguette*

            I know, that confused me too. I think either they’re lying or it’s “what they usually do” but not official procedure, because the tenancy agreement states otherwise.

        2. Ramona Flowers*

          Oh and IANAL but I think as well as 24 hours notice they also have to only come at reasonable times of day which it sounds like this wasn’t.

          It’s fine to call Shelter just to get some advice if you want to!

          1. Baguette*

            It was late morning so I think that would count as a reasonable time, but it wasn’t even for a reason that they’d need access to the property in the first place, that’s what’s so infuriating. We were all awake but in bed, and didn’t answer the door because I was barely sure someone had knocked but we also weren’t expecting anyone. Little did I know they’d just come in!! I actually heard them walking through the flat and assumed it was my flatmate. Creepy creepy.

            I think I might speak to Shelter for advice about where we stand.

      2. paul*

        It’s illegal in most states as well! Were they nice enough to put the “standard procedure” line in writing?

        1. Baguette*

          Nope, was said on the phone. But we’ll see if that’s the line they repeat when they give me a written reply

    4. Victoria, Please*

      My stepdaughter had the most awful old bag of a landlady while she was in college — the woman would come in whenever the hell she wanted. Once, my SD was in the shower and if we hadn’t installed a chain lock, the landlady would have just walked in! She screamed at my SD to hurry the “f” up and get to the door, and then yelled at us for installing the chain.

      I think my SD only lived there a year, and then moved into a rathole in the attic of some old house. It was a total pit but at least the landlord was a nice guy, if all he did was shamble around and fix nothing.

    5. Triple Anon*

      Yes. It’s happened to me a few times. I tried to get help and didn’t have any luck. I ended up moving each time, but there was a cost – moving expenses, things that were stolen or damaged by the landlord. The first time something like this happened, I tried to get legal help through some free services and go to small claims court. The landlord was significantly better off and more established in the community so he hired a better lawyer, made some frightening threats, and scared me out of pursuing it.

      Another time, I tried calling a tenants rights org and a community violence hotline. The tenants rights org didn’t want to get involved because there wasn’t even evidence and he had previously had a good track record (I had heard complaints from previous tenants but no one had taken any kind of action publicly or formally). The community violence resources were all for people in abusive relationships; they couldn’t help with a landlord-tenant sort of thing.

      I really wish I had just filed a police report after moving out, or even before. It’s scary because there is corruption and sometimes people retaliate. But I think you’re probably better protected that way than if you do nothing. If they enter in a way that’s outside the terms of the lease, it is breaking and entering, and they can be charged just like if a stranger did the same thing.

    6. neverjaunty*

      Happens all the time with jerk landlords. I would change the locks and then give the new key to the landlord (or person who is actually entitled to have a key) if that’s required by law.

      1. Banana*

        I definitely had this happen to me in my first apartment when I was a college student. Of course, I was a college student, so at 8am on a Saturday morning, I was sleeping. For some reason that I can’t remember, the management had emailed me at 10pm the night before that they were coming to do something.

        8am my bell rings. I was apartment #1, so I had had the experience of people ringing my bell when the person they really wanted wouldn’t answer, and they would just ring #1 hoping to be buzzed into the building. I was not expecting anyone so I ignored. They rang and rang, and still I did not answer. Then they started knocking. I was not dressed, so I did not answer, still. Then they opened my door! Fortunately, I had a chain on the door so they couldn’t come all the way in. Then they whistled. I pretended to be asleep and didn’t answer, because I had no pants on! Finally they went away.

        They were all upset because I hadn’t let them in and they emailed me to tell me so. But they did not give me 24 hours notice, as is the law, so I just said “Too bad, so sad!”

        My current landlord also sometimes tells me he is coming with less than 24 hours notice. It is annoying, but he does not care about the law (he violates other housing laws as well). I don’t think there is any real recourse you have except to call the police, and I don’t want to jeopardize my cheap rent, so…I’ll just deal with it.

    7. Amadeo*

      Yeah, the last place I rented the landlord did that to me for the first month or so. Wouldn’t let me know he was coming, just would let himself in to do some work on the apartment. I had a german shepherd at the time and for the first few weeks she’d let him come in (he’d even walk her, arg!) and then one day – she wasn’t having it. She stopped letting him just come in when I wasn’t home so he had to call me and let me know when he was coming so I could put her in a bedroom. I never actually had to ask him to give me notice (and I suspect it wouldn’t have gone well if it had come to that).

      I suppose I’m lucky that it worked out that way and he didn’t tell me she had to go, but I have to admit, I was glad she finally put her little doggie foot down!

    8. Anono-me*

      You might want to get something like a door bar or one of those things that the travel stores sell for securing hotel room doors.

      Landlord showed up unannounced to do a fire inspection. I was sleeping with the door chain on. I ‘slept’ through it. (Lease required 24 hour notice except in emergencies and he knew I worked nights.)

      When I came home the next day the chain was gone. It was a weird building and I was moving soon, so I didn’t say anything, I just went and bought a door bar.

  15. She who has never baked a potato*

    How clean does a potato need to be before you bake it?
    All the instructions I find are just ‘wash / dry’, some mention scrubbing but no indication of at what point to stop. Is it purely just ‘get rid of visible dirt’ or more ‘scrub ’til it’s practically peeled’ level of cleaning?

    1. grace*

      How are you cooking it?

      But in general I just clean it until there’s no dirt I can see and then hope the boiling water will get rid of anything I missed :)

    2. nep*

      I’ll be interested in responses here. I roast potato wedges often; I give the potatoes a good rinse, rubbing just with my hands. Still alive to tell about it, so…(I sometimes wonder whether I should be cleaning them better.)

    3. Aurora Leigh*

      If I’m cooking for someone that eats the peel, I scrub under the faucet till the water coming off isn’t dirty. For me, I just quick rinse and microwave — poke holes with a fork first!

    4. Lily Evans*

      If I’m baking it whole I just give it a light wash before baking, but I also don’t eat the skin. If I was cooking for someone who liked eating the skin on the potato I’d wash them more thoroughly.

    5. Typhon Worker Bee*

      I eat the skin (it’s the best part! This is true whether you’re roasting, baking, frying, or boiling. I even leave the skins on when I make mashed potatoes), and am perfectly happy with a “get rid of visible dirt” level of clean. Whichever cooking method you choose will obliterate any surface germs by the time the potato’s ready, unless maybe you’re just microwaving it, but that’s a terrible thing to do to a potato anyway.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      When I first started working, I had to peel potatoes for one job. A big pot of potatoes every morning. We just threw them in a sink of water and let them soak while we peeled.

      I was not impressed with this system as the potatoes looked a little dirty in the pot.

      I use a veggie brush and running water, so the dirt falls away from the potato. I might spend all of 30 seconds scrubbing each potato. If I have those small purple or red potatoes I put them in a colander in the sink and give each one a quick brush over.

      But I use the veggie brush on any veggies that will hack it – usually root veggies.

    7. only acting normal*

      Just ate baked potato for dinner!
      Gave it a little scrub under running water (it was fairly clean already really – if it was muddy I’d rinse under the tap first then finish with a light scrub to get in nooks and crannies).
      Prong with a fork a few times, oil and coarse salt rubbed in by hand, 15min microwave + 10min in oven. Butter and tuna-mayo. Nom nom nom. :P

    8. Mike C.*

      Two things about roasting potatoes that I’ve seems on America’s Test Kitchen that make them awesome:

      1. Roll the cleaned potatoes in a very salty water solution. As the potato cooks, it gets a really nice, salty crust.

      2. 10 minutes prior to being finished, brush oil onto the surface of the potato. Once it’s done, it’s amazing.

    9. paul*

      I just get rid of the visible dirt. Then lightly sprinkle with sea salt, stab it with a skewer and put ’em in. So good. The skins get a little crispy and oh, it’s so good. Crispy salty skin, soft wonderful innards….

  16. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    1. Enabler dad co-owns mutual funds/stocks with my name attached and I had to pay $600 in taxes because it got dividends, which ate into 10% of my wedding budget. After paying that much, I’m tempted to just sign away my rights to him. I hate my parents essentially holding dividend/tax info ostagehay during tax filing time, and I never plan to use that fund. It’s why I haven’t been able to do more than 1% 401(k) contribution, and I’d like to up it to 4% ideally.

    Q: Thoughts? Basically, parents using stock/money as means of tax control, financial micromanaging. Maybe I’m being paranoid? ;S

    2. Wedding planning is wrapping up (TG/knock on wood). It’s been isolating because the MOH has 2 jobs, BMs are all out-of-state, my mom isn’t someone I’d trust (she’s on sidelines trying to micromanage to no avail), and SO’s mom’s divorced and dealing with stuff (roof collapse–but covered with insurance and no one injured TG). My extended family (20 cousins on FB–2 congratulated me, 18 don’t care/are apathetic). My friend circle’s shifted–mostly singles, and they’ve invited me to events less, or I’ve been busy with planning too, and meeting up with married coupled friends, which is an adjustment.

    Which means going to alterations alone today. I joined a FB group for engaged folks. I’m busy working, I do yoga, run, and SO has been AMAZING at co-planning with me. But everyone on his side is super excited, but nobody in my family is happy and it feels like a funeral vibe.

    Q: How do you feel less “alone”? How do you stay happy when nobody cares/nobody in your family is celebrating with/for you?

    3. Wedding planning has me getting cranky at times/impatient, exhausted. I have less tolerance for BS, basically. It helps during the week since I do management stuff, but it’s made me cranky overall.

    Q: How do you deal with this? How do you feel “less cranky”?

    1. Natalie*

      Eh, from what I recall you make a pretty reasonable living and have a comfortable nest egg, correct? I would drop any kind of jointly owned investment – it sounds like a pain in the ass even if your parents were normal.

    2. Turtlewings*

      Q1: Definitely drop the investment. More trouble than it’s worth.

      Q2: Focus on spending time with people who ARE happy and excited for you (maybe make plans with those two cousins?), and remember you don’t need anyone’s permission to be happy and excited for yourself.

      Q3: Just try to be really kind and patient with yourself. Treat yourself like you’re taking care of a toddler — don’t expect too much, space out your schedule, make sure Toddler You gets enough food, drink and sleep, give Toddler You space to calm down when needed, etc.

      I hope that’s helpful, good luck with the wedding!

    3. Lazy Cat*

      Re #2, I just want to say that you aren’t alone in feeling alone. I moved across the country to join my then-bf, and when we got engaged (and throughout our engagement and wedding), all of “my” people lived 3+ time zones away. Our mutual friends in New City were all through his law school, and were 3Ls and studying for the during our engagement. I got really sad about not being able to celebrate with my friends and family, and it was rough to hear him come home from grad school with stories about (random person) congratulating him. The societal stereotype or pressure that an engagement should be full of events with your closest women was really rough.

      I got through it by being 100% upfront about that with my fiance, and reading lots of wedding blogs or forums. Also, just accepting there was nothing I could do to change it, and trying to snag fun / excited moments where I could grab them.

    4. neverjaunty*

      Is there a way to extricate yourself from the investment without handing your dad a bunch of money?

      Their issues are about them, not you – I know you know this intellectually, but accepting it emotionally is probably the best way to get past the fact that they are not celebrating with you the way emotionally healthy people would.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      From following along, your parents definitely use money to manipulate you. My response to someone who does that is “keep your money”. Maybe you can announce that as a reverse-wedding present you will be gifting your dad your ownership of that account. There is more than one way to eliminate BS from your life.

      Which brings me to question 3 about stress and BS. Back off on the details. It is what it is. When we get too involved in detail our joy disappears. If you want your joy back, get rid of some of the detail stuff that does not amount to a hill of beans. My MIL had kittens when I said it did not matter what color the ribbon was on my bouquet. She melted down all over. You know. I had this random color for the ribbon and I was still able to get officially married in spite of that random color for the ribbon on my bouquet. Imagine that. Happily this is a good skill to have and use over and over again.

      Question 2. That is a sad one, however, I have found this happens so much in life that the healthiest thing to do is focus on the people who do respond and forget the rest. Another helpful thing is to remind myself that some where someone is saying, “Why doesn’t NSNR remember me and what I am doing?”
      Many things come up in life that take our joy. This is probably where the expression about the glass half empty or half full came about. No moment in life is totally joyful but the good news side is that no moment in life is totally sad. I have smiled at funerals and cried at weddings, just because that is how things go.

      You are going through some big life changes. Make sure you are getting adequate rest so your tired mind can think things through. (Another valuable tidbit that you will use over and over.) Remember at the end of the day, you will still be a married person, no matter what else goes on.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      1) As Natalie said, cut the strings and walk away. If they want to straight-out hand you the money at some future date they can do that.
      2) For people like the disinterested cousins, dial your expectations to zero. You can then be pleasantly surprised if it’s a bit better than that, rather than disappointed that it’s not as much as you’d set up in your mind.

    7. nerdgal*

      If they are jointly owned, you can cash them in and pocket the money. That may be more aggressive than you want, but you could use that as a reason for him to get the SSN changed. If he doesn’t do it, then you can seriously cash them in, write him a check for the balance, or half the balance if you want (less any taxes due :)) and then say, here, now go open an account in your name only.

    8. Lillian*

      The website apracticalwedding.com is an amazing resource. They have a ton of practical advice but more importantly there is an amazing community there. Their comment section is as helpful and respectful as the one here at askamanagr.

    9. Observer*

      If the money is yours, empty the account and close it or take your name off it. Your dad may be able to keep the account open, but he can’t force you to keep your name on it.

      If the money was put in there by your parents, then just take your name off it. Again, it doesn’t matter what they say. They CANNOT force you to keep your name on it.

      You need to disentangle EVERY SINGLE financial connection you have with them.

    10. Former Employee*

      1. If your father won’t buy you out,can you force a sale of the asset the way you could with real property? (Though I don’t get why paying $600 in taxes would keep you from more fully investing in your 401(k) account.)

      2. Do you know exactly what is going on with your various cousins? Could one be dealing with a difficult pregnancy, another facing possible foreclosure, a third unsure of what will happen after the merger, etc.? Enjoy all the positive stuff and ignore the rest.

      3. I don’t have much to say on the crankiness. Deep breathing, maybe?

      Best of luck.

    12. No regular name*

      1. If you owed $600 in taxes just on the dividends from that account, it must be worth quite a bit. I’d find it difficult to just walk away from, especially since you could use it for your wedding. Can you ask your parent to sell half & give to you and he can keep his share in his own name? Or just split the account into 2 separate accounts? Also, fyi, investment accounts, even in joint name, typically are reported to the government under the social security number of the person whose name is first on the account. Just saying.

      1. Carmen Sandiego JD*

        Thanks. Definitely food for thought.

        These accounts have been made decades ago–likely before I could even walk. I started paying taxes 100% on my own after financial independence. I don’t think my parents will listen to reason re: selling half. I’d like to think they’re rational creatures but I know for a fact they’re not. Spent last night commiseration with fiance that 3 years from now I’m going to decide between a mortgage, future kid’s diapers, and paying these hefty taxes :/ The parentals: trying to starve me into submission……so they can throw $ at me and reattach strings I have no intention of reattaching to them. TG I have other means to take care of myself…

    13. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      1. Is the account a custodial account or a joint account? If it is joint you can contact the investment firm that holds it directly and work with them to get your money and vanish. If it’s custodial, that gets a hell of a lot sticker, because there’s no legal way for you to directly turn over ownership to your dad, and it requires his participation for the assets to be moved into your direct control. Basically if it is a custodial account, I highly recommend contacting a good lawyer.

        1. Observer*

          It doesn’t have to be that complicated, in all cases. Depending on the way it was set up, she might be able to deal with more easily than it looks, because some accounts apparently automatically change when the child reaches a certain age. (That’s what happened with some accounts we had set up for our kids. Which was fine, since we weren’t trying to use these accounts to control anyone. It did take me by surprise though.)

  17. DanaScully*

    I’m so excited to share that we have just booked to go to Thailand for two weeks in December! My first and only visit was 11 years ago, but this is my gf’s first time in Thailand, and first time flying long haul. We are both very excited!

    We are two women in our mid/late twenties and we would really appreciate any advice, tips or recommendations you may have. Good hotels, landmarks we shouldn’t miss, restaurants, tasty meals, good bars, anything at all.

    We haven’t got a concrete itinerary just yet, but we’re looking at Chiang Mai, Krabi and Bangkok. Open to alternatives.

    Thanks!

    1. Lily Evans*

      I’ve never been, but a couple travel bloggers I follow have spent a ton of time there and have a lot of resources about the country! Here are their links: 1 & 2.

      I hope you guys have an awesome time!

    2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I got some responses to my ask last week (although we are including Singapore and Malaysia) – maybe have a check back in that thread?

    3. HeatherB*

      We stayed at Rayavadee in Krabi and loved it. Chiang Mai and Chiang Rai are some of my favorite places – the scenery and food is completely different from the beach areas down south. There’s a true elephant sanctuary in Sukhothai called Boon Lott’s that you might look into. They have rescued elephants from begging, illegal logging, etc. There’s no chains, no riding and they have guest houses. They are booked out quite far in advance. Enjoy your trip!!

    4. Peggy*

      My wife and I went for our honeymoon last year. We kept a low profile as a same sex couple – in some places Thailand is very “anything goes!” But in other regions, it’s a very conservative Muslim place and we felt safer just not revealing our relationship.

      We did 2 nights in Bangkok to get over the jet lag, 4 nights in Chaing Mai, a night in Phuket Town, 4 nights on Koh Lanta, 1 night in Ao Nang, then the last 2 nights in paradise at a resort called Nakamanda on Klong Muang beach near Krabi.

      Bangkok and Phuket and Ao Nang were wasted nights. Basically just places to crash before and after flights and long ferry rides. Our time in Chiang Mai and Koh Lanta and Klong Muang were the best days of my life and if I could relive them over and over I would.

      If you go to Bangkok – you’ll find stuff to do. See Kao San Road and the huge Buddhist palace and take a commuter speed boat and marvel at how you lived through it. We didn’t have much time to explore there because we were adjusting after the flight and then basically booked it out of there to Chiang Mai.

      In Chaing Mai we took a cooking class at a place called Zabbi Lee (there are hundreds of cooking classes – the one we picked was a PERFECT day and a highlight of the trip). We did a half day at Elephant Jungle Sanctuary (humane/no riding, swimming with elephants was best day of my entire life). Make sure you’re in CM for the Sunday night walking market, they have night markets every night but Sunday is huge and special. Get massages every day, they’re only a few dollars each with tip and they’re life changing.

      No restaurant tips other than eat curry on the beach as often as possible.

      I have more to say but I fear typing for an hour on my phone then hitting submit and losing the comment. I’ll come back later to post more!

    5. Jojobean*

      I’m currently living in Thailand! It depends a lot on where you’re going – I spent 6 months living in Bangkok but was recovering from my last posting so didn’t get out to do much touristy stuff. It’s super safe, easy to get around, and fairly inexpensive by Western standards. Beware the humidity, though.

      I haven’t been to Krabi either have but heard lots of good things, so you should have a blast. It’s supposed to be beautiful.

      I’m currently living in Chiang Mai so I can give you lots of info on that, if you let me know what you’re interested in?

      1. Peggy*

        I wish I’d discovered Chiang Mai in my twenties. I’m about 40, taking care of parents, paying a mortgage, starting a family now. If I’d known how deeply I was going to fall in love with Chiang Mai, I’d have gone 20 years ago and never left.

        Now, it’s my retirement dream. :)

  18. Madeline*

    This time last week I posted about how I was going to meet up with someone I knew through a fandom online, feeling a bit apprehensive etc.

    Updating to say…it was completely /not/ what I expected, and not in a particularly good or bad way, just…unexpected.

    For one thing, I always assumed she was in her early 20s (I’d have to go back ages to find out what gave me that impression, maybe talking about fandoms in general I expect people to be young? She’s never been deliberately misleading or anything) and it turned out she was at least as old as I am (early 30s), and was travelling with her daughter who was almost 10 years old!

    So yeah…that took a bit of re-calibrating straight off the bat! But apart from that it was all pretty normal. We had dinner and chatted about the fandom which was quite fun, the language barrier wasn’t as much of an issue as I thought it’d be (even though I was really tempted to switch to English, because it’s mainly an English-language fandom). We didn’t talk that much about stuff in ‘real life’ though. I don’t think we’re going to close friends or anything, most likely just continue with the fandom-based stuff as before.

  19. Wannabe Disney Princess*

    It’s been a crap couple of weeks for me, so I’ve booked a makeup lesson/makeover at Sephora for this afternoon. I’m excited! And nervous. I’m (irrationally, I know) afraid they’ll judge me and know I’m an interloper. But! I’ve made it a personal mission to figure out how to do my makeup and there’s only so much I can teach myself from YouTube. So, I am looking forward to it.

    (But still a little anxious…)

    1. NaoNao*

      Sounds fun! I used to work for a company that sold makeup and we did free makeovers for a radio contest and I’ll never forget the look on one woman’s faced when she peered into the mirror afterwards: “Wow, I’m so pretty!” —that’s what makeup artists, makeover stylists, hair dressers, and other beauty and fashion consultants LIVE for. They’re not judging you! They love to help others look and feel amazing.

      2. Wannabe Disney Princess*

        Thank you! It’s just my low self confidence flaring up, I know. I’ve never been the “pretty” girl so I feel like they’ll think I don’t belong. Which I recognize is STUPID. I am, deep down, excited. It’s just a little outside my comfort zone.

    2. Muriel Heslop*

      I have always had wonderful experiences with the people at Sephora! Most of them are there because they love makeup and helping other people love makeup. Even though I am an old now, they still treat me like I am young and fun. Perhaps you could let the person know that you are a little nervous? They will probably be able to help put you at ease.

      Have fun!

      1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

        Thank you! I was bullied pretty badly as a teenager even though I’m 31….it has stuck with me. So I know that’s why, I’m still stuck in the mindset of “Oh, they’ll make fun of me in the lunchroom!”. Which doesn’t make sense. And isn’t fair to them! I *am* excited. So I’m attempting to focus my energy there.

    3. Reba*

      Good for you! I hope you get a good stylist or whatever they are called. In my experience they love initiating newbies into the makeup cult. Please report back!

        1. ainomiaka*

          I’ve only done it a couple of times, but both times the consultant has been super nice about answering questions and helping if I say “I want to learn”

    4. Kat*

      Let us know how it goes! I have often thought of getting one, but I don’t like the make-up departments locally. The assistants never genuinely talk to me, and as my skin is not great I know they just think I need a makeover. But when I ask them questions they don’t tell me anything useful! If I can get to a Sephora, I might try them, if they’re nice!

    5. Simone R*

      The people at Sephora are so nice! I’ve gone in a bunch to say I don’t know what I’m doing, but I want something that does X,Y and Z and they are very helpful. They are also amazing at giving out free samples, so if there’s something that you like that they do but aren’t sure how much you’ll use it at home, don’t be afraid to ask!

      I’ve also recently subscribed to Sephora play which is a great monthly makeup subscription box. I felt like I wanted to revamp my very basic makeup routine and it’s a good way to try a lot of stuff for cheap with low commitment. I’ve bought a few of the samples that I loved in a larger size and I would never have thought to try them!

    6. Alpha Bravo*

      Please let us know how it goes! I’m old, and apparently a makeup minimalist. I do use makeup, just not a lot of it and I tend to go with neutral colors that don’t look makeup-y. My daughter is trying to convince me we should go to Sephora together and get me properly educated. I don’t know….

      1. Can’t remember my name*

        I had a wonderful experience the one time I went to Sephora. I went with my daughter and figured everyone would just ignore the dowdy old lady trailing behind the pretty young woman. But I was treated well, they were so nice and helpful and made me feel like I actually belonged in a makeup store and it wasn’t weird at all that I would wear makeup! I ended up buying makeup and I have never worn any my entire life other than mascara and lipstick.

    7. Nina*

      I hope you had a good time. The first time I went to Sephora to get matched for makeup, I was wary. I hated buying makeup OTC because it was either too dark or too light, and being Black, everything showed up incorrectly. Ulta was no help. So I went to Sephora. The girl at Sephora not only matched me immediately, she did my whole face. Loved it. Now Sephora is the only place I go to for makeup.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      Ooh, report back!
      Does this cost anything? When I can buy something in there again, I’d love to have them help me with eyeliner. I can’t do a flick to save my life.

      1. Amadeo*

        I think it’s ‘free’ but you have to buy $50 worth of product. At least that’s what I and my mother were told the last time we looked into it. It’s been a year or two.

      3. Middle School Teacher*

        You can get a 15-minute mini-makeover for free. They do eyes, contouring, etc. The big ones cost money (unless you’re a VIB, then you get one a year for free, or a VIB Rouge member, and then they’re always free).

    9. Wannabe Disney Princess*

      It went really well! They asked what I wanted emphasized and I said my eyes. Holy crap. I am not used to me eyes looking SO INTENSE. I like it! But it’s just not what I’m used to seeing look back at me in the mirror.

      Everybody was super nice. And I told them I was intimidated. Which the woman doing my makeup laughed and said she understood. They’re really trying to change that image and make it more accessible. Plus we bonded over both having chinchillas for pets.

      What I really like is that when you’re done, you get an email with a before and after pic. As well as a list of all the products used. Also! They start with skincare. Which was awesome. I have psoriasis so I was all over that.

      It *does* cost $50 worth of product. But, as I said, below (or above… depending on where this pops up) it’s super easy to do. And I’ve spent that on products I guessed on at the drugstore. So I don’t mind buying stuff I like that’s been recommended.

      Makeover pic to follow!

        3. Former Employee*

          Looks professional without looking like it was “done”. To me, that’s the perfect balance between the DIY look (a little messy/off) and the over the top kind of professional make up that you only have done for something like a wedding.

          2. Windchime*

            Yeah, I agree–they did a wonderful job (but they also had a beautiful canvas to start with; you are very pretty). I like what they did with your eyes, too. It’s kind of smokey without being too “night-club”.

            What kind of product(s) did you end up buying?

            1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

              Awwwww, thank you!

              I told them I wanted my eyes to pop…but not go for a totally evening look. But not quite as subtle as a daytime look. I think she nailed it.

              I bought the foundation and the eyeshadow. Foundation has been by Achilles heel, so when they found one that worked, I was thrilled. And it wasn’t terribly proceed – $42. It’s Cover FX. And you use a teensy amount. It goes a long way. I liked the eyeshadkw, too. I mostly have big palettes and this will be nice to toss in my purse. It’s one of the Smash box trips.

              I loved the skincare products they used. But $135 for one of the moisturizers was just a liiiiiiiitle outside my price range. Although after googling about it, I might save up. It wasn’t just a sales pitch that it would help with my psoriasis (also eczema). It’s the Tatcha Indigo cream for anyone who wants to look it up.

        4. Mananana*

          Oh my goodness– you are beautiful! Sounds like you enjoyed the experience – hope you’ll treat yourself like that regularly.

      2. Reba*

        Wow, they did a great job! To me it reads as polished without going over the top. I don’t think it’s too intense at all, although I know what you mean about the surprise of seeing your different looking face looking back at you. :) And it works wonderfully with your glasses!

        Did you get a good foundation match / are you happy with the products so far?

        1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

          I am! It all wore very well. The first foundation she tried was way too pink. Which I did warn about: almost everything is too pink or orange on me…so that took some trial and error.

          She did ask if I wanted to pick out the colors and I said no since I didn’t want to fall into my comfort zone. I can honestly say these aren’t colors I would have picked but! I’m glad she did.

  20. Anon for this*

    How do you all deal with uncertainty about the near future? I’m leaving undergrad as a structural engineer in May–but I’ll be 30 yrs old. I don’t have a job lined up, am still waiting on my grad school application, and all the nervousness is keeping me awake at night. Imposter syndrome makes it hard to work up the gumption to apply for jobs; I don’t feel qualified for *anything*. And I don’t know where I want to be: east coast with family or west coast with boyfriend. Both relationships are a little rocky at the moment.

    I guess I’m frustrated because 20 yr old me thought this would all get easier as I got older. Lol.

    1. Muriel Heslop*

      I obsess about it and make people around me crazy. Do not do that.

      What does help me is taking one day at a day and trying to focus on what I can control instead of what I can’t control. When I am dealing with an especially stressful period, exercise and plenty of sleep help too.

      It sounds like you are in a time of big transitions with a lot of choices to make. Does it have to be east coast or west coast? Is there anything you want to do or try that you haven’t? Maybe after you apply for one job applying for the next will be easier? Good luck!

    2. Grace Less*

      Most large and mid-sized engineering firms have tons of offices. I would focus your job search on companies that have locations on both coasts, and then you’ll have the option to transfer if you fancy a new locale.
      Try networking within specialty groups in structural engineering – bridge groups, deep foundations, etc. and see what excites you.
      Don’t worry about not being qualified enough. Engineering provides an amazingly diverse range of positions, and everyone’s unique talents are what makes the whole project work. You’ve learned a lot and combined with your own experience, you’re going to be a valuable contributor.

  21. Amber Rose*

    Last year I went to my first concert ever for Imagine Dragons and next week I get to see another one for Theory of a Deadman. It’s weird how once I do something once it tends to keep happening. Anyways this one is a birthday present to myself. I turned 30 last weekend. Spent a night laughing at my friends for setting all the food on fire at a Japanese BBQ. It was a good time.

    Next week we do taxes. I’m expecting a couple grand in refunds, and we’re having a hard time figuring out how to balance paying bills with stuff we want. I want to kill some credit cards so we can afford a good vacation next year, but he wants to go on vacation this year too and it doesn’t seem doable. :/

    1. Kimberlee, Esq.*

      Maybe make this year a cheap/close vacation? We did a long weekend in Miami (we live in DC) last year, and it wasn’t very expensive at all, because we grabbed plane tickets when they were on special for $75 bucks each, round-trip. Even with 3 nights at a reasonably nice hotel, we weren’t spending a ton of money (and making it fairly short really helps with that!)

    3. Former Employee*

      Are you in a place or close to one that has a lot going on? If so, you could turn long week ends into longer ones by adding a day or two of vacation and then just do a few mini “staycations” locally.

      I always enjoyed that way before the idea was popular and many years before the word “staycation” even existed.

      One warning: Be careful about allocating the refund. You probably can’t pay off the credit cards, go on two real vacations and…whatever, with the same couple of thousand dollars. Some people get into a kind of magical thinking and mentally apply the same money to several things.

  22. bassclefchick*

    I’ve been sucked in to the madness that is LulaRoe. Yup, I know. It’s an MLM. Having seen articles on their crappy business practices, lawsuits and shady business model, I know I shouldn’t buy from them. Not to mention, I’ve been a firm believer that leggings are not pants. But, I really like them! And I found a great consultant.

    So, ethically, I know I shouldn’t buy them, but I do anyway. Any of you like an MLM product that you know is a horrible company but you don’t care because you like the product?

    1. Temperance*

      I have some Lula, and I love the clothes. I hate the company, but a lot of their stuff is cute. I buy on eBay mostly.

      I also like a specific bag made by Thirty One. It’s a shoulder bag that is small enough to bring into stadiums. I need a replacement.

    2. Kimberlee, Esq.*

      Honestly, and I know I might be alone in this, but I don’t think there’s anything inherently shady about MLMs. I mean, ultimately, the real test is whether the company makes most of its money by selling a product people like, or if they mostly make it by getting people to buy in as consultants/sellers and fail to sell. There’s part of me that likes the structure because its very collective; you sell good products to people you know, and the company gives you a cut rather than spend that money on mass marketing.

      Of course, most of them end up being pretty scammy in practice. Which is a shame! But, like, there are plenty of decently good Avon products, and Mary Kay as well. /shrug

      1. Totally Minnie*

        I feel like my bad feelings about MLMs comes from the fact that I don’t know how high up in the organization any given salesperson is, so I don’t know if they’re actually being compensated for their work. Typically, in these types of organizations, you don’t see any money for your sales unless you have other salespeople reporting to you, so this friend that I want to help may not actually see any of the money I’m spending.

        If I buy moisturizer or leggings from a brick and mortar store, I know that the person who rings up my sale is being paid for their work, and that’s important to me.

      2. Cambridge Comma*

        I didn’t feel strongly about it until I read Elle Beau’s blog on Younique, but it does seem that they deliberately exploit a lot of the people who get involved.

    3. NaoNao*

      Not so much love the products, but I’ll buy a token item from friends (which is how these companies keep going, basically) even though I know it’s just perpetuating the cycle.

    4. fposte*

      I think if you like the product more than products you find elsewhere, it can be okay to purchase through an MLM, and at least LulaRoe isn’t making health claims or statements about “chemicals.”

      It’s the roping in of often financially vulnerable consultants and the obfuscation about economics that I really can’t stand, with an additional dose of dislike of the way those consultants end up being weaponized against people they know.

      1. TardyTardis*

        Melaleuca (sp?) is an MLM, but they make the greatest bathtub cleaner, ever. (sighs) If I could just buy it and not have to get sucked into the MLM part, I’d be happy.

      1. bassclefchick*

        I just bought my first maxi. My high school reunion is coming up and I wanted something that was a bit dressy, but still comfy.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      LuLaRoe is one company I will not buy from, not ever, especially after they backed up a seller who mocked people with Down syndrome. I don’t like Mary Kay much, either (overpriced, IMO). I do, however, like Avon products and will buy from them. I think you can order online now; I haven’t seen an Avon consultant in some time.

      Oh, and Tupperware — but almost all my Tupperware is vintage and I buy it at the flea market for practically nothing.

    8. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      I’m not trying to be judgmental, but please, please do not buy from MLMs. They are almost always exploitative at worst and super annoying at best. LulaRoe, especially, targets women in vulnerable economic situations to suck into their pyramid scheme. (Here’s one article that goes into all that: https://www.buzzfeed.com/stephaniemcneal/lularoe-class-actions?utm_term=.xa0oea0oA#.joALnJ5Lj)

      Surely there are other places where you can get leggings.

    9. Yorkshire Rose*

      I have a ton of Lularoe, but I learned to buy it off of the GOOB facebook groups to save tons of money. Now that I’m sick of all the styles they have, I’ve started buying Agnes and Dora, which has a lot more variance in their styles and is equally as comfortable. Their styles are also much more work appropriate.

      I also buy doTerra. Call me crazy, but some of their oils applied topically actually work better for joint pain than prescription or OTD meds taken internally.

    10. Elizabeth H.*

      I didn’t know it was an MLM! I had a vague sense it wasn’t a regular company but I thought it was like stitch fix or something. There are a lot of Lularoe leggings on Poshmark (which I am obsessed with) and the clothes buying experience is much better on Poshmark than eBay imo.

  23. Anna*

    Is it weird to prefer foods that skew towards bitter rather than sweet? Like…to have whatever the opposite of a ‘sweet tooth’ is?

    It seems perfectly normal for people to love cakes/pastries/other sweet foods, but I get weird looks when I say I don’t particularly care for sweets but prefer foods that are bitter, like coffee or dark chocolate (80%minimum) or kale (yes seriously) and that kind of thing. People seem to assume that’s because I’m following a diet fad or trying to cut sugar or trying to be hipster or something, but I genuinely just don’t particularly like sweet foods.

    It doesn’t help that I still love looking at baked treats (either in print or through shop windows) because they’re so pretty, but I never really have any cravings to eat them – just the opposite in fact, since once you start eating them they’re not as pretty.

    (Incidentally I tried Googling ‘ is it weird to like bitter foods’ and got a bunch of results suggesting I might be a psychopath. I’m not sure what to do with that information.)

    1. Nervous Accountant*

      psychopath? No way! I personally can’t relate because I like everything :( (sweet, salty, spicy etc). But I know people who prefer salty over sweet.

      1. Lissa*

        lol, me too. I have about 3 foods I don’t like and still try those occasionally just to check. I’m the person who all those “but you’d like it if you tried it how *I* made it” people want to encounter cause I’ll try it and not be annoyed. Bitter? Sweet? Sure! Bitter and sweet together? Even better! …I’m so sad since my friend who likes weird foods moved out of town.

    3. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Nope. I’m similar. I do like some sweet things, but not many, and I definitely prefer savory to sweet in general. It took me a long time to realize that all those cakes, cookies, etc. that most people seem to rave about are just never going to taste as good to me as they apparently do to other people. (Although ice cream still gets me sometimes.)

      Just about all the vegetables I like are on the bitter side, too. The only time I’ll eat “sweet” vegetables is if they’re cut up really small (think grated carrots over a salad) or if they’re cooked in a stew or something.

    4. NaoNao*

      Salt tooth, baby! Or Fat Tooth!

      I have always had a MUCH bigger salt and fat tooth (gimmie all your rich, bitter, briny, blu-cheeses, please, and no one gets hurt) than sweet.

    5. Parenthetically*

      I like bitter foods! And bitter drinks — IPAs, stuff made with Campari or bitters… yum.

      I developed a massive sweet tooth when I got pregnant that worsened when my son was born, but yes, you are not alone in enjoying bitter foods!

    6. Flowers r cool*

      Not at all! I prefer salty and savory to sweet. I couldn’t finish my ice-cream last night because it was just too much! And in an aside, that preference can possibly have a genetic link too. My 23andMe traits report states that I have a higher probability of preferring salty to sweet.

    7. Hellanon*

      There’s a book! “Bitter: A Taste of the World’s Most Dangerous Flavor” – under $10 at Amazon if you are interested. And I’m with you – I love bitter, vinegary, salty things and intense flavors much more than sweets…

      1. Parenthetically*

        Vinegary, salty things WELL looks like I’m adding salt and vinegar chips to this week’s shopping list.

    8. Lily Evans*

      I was reading something interesting the other day about how people react differently to tannins (which are behind a lot of bitter flavored foods). Some people (you’re probably one of them!) really enjoy tannin heavy food because they taste tannins differently than people who dislike bitter food. Kind of like how some people think cilantro is delicious while other people think it tastes like soap. I can’t remember exactly where I was reading this, but if I do I’ll link back to it later!

      1. LPUK*

        I read this too – it’s a genetics thing. Some people have a gene that leads them to prefer bitter tastes – black coffee, olives, cruciferous veg, fermented food- if you like any of these you are likely Tolkien all of them ( I don’t really like any of them myself, so obviously didn’t get that gene). Did get the one that makes coriander taste like soap though, and for years I was baffled that people who loved coriander must like soapy things, until I found out that for those people, it tastes floral not soapy! Genes also control whether you get asparagus pee after eating asparagus ( though apparently the pee is the same, your ability to smell it differs) and also whether you can smell bitter almonds ( ie detect cyanide in Agatha Christie type situations). It’s all really fascinating and started me thinking of what other things we think of as personal preferences are down to how we are programmed to experience them by our genes

        1. Dead Quote Olympics*

          Your Tolkien autocorrect made me laugh – so all of us that like bitter and fermented are hobbits? It changed with age, for me – I still like black coffee, olives, fish sauce but I picked up a sweet tooth as I hit my 40’s.

        2. Betsy*

          Oh, this is fascinating! I loved coffee and would eat olives from the jar as a toddler. I must have that gene. Unfortunately, I also have the coriander soap one.

        3. oranges & lemons*

          That’s interesting, because there are some bitter things I really like (olives, coffee, dark chocolate, anything burnt or smoke flavoured) but I really dislike the taste of hops and bitter vegetables like kale. I wonder what this says about my genes.

    9. Porygon-Z*

      I don’t think it’s weird. I like sweets well enough but they get sickening really fast. I prefer savory food generally, and I also really love sour food. Most people I’ve met don’t see the appeal of sour food like I do. I think it’s just a matter of tastes being an individual thing.

      1. hermit crab*

        You’re not alone in being a sour-lover! I am much more of a salty-savory person, but my spouse is 100% sour all the way – to the point where we have a bag of citric acid in our cupboard so that he can make things even more sour. He likes to give me tastes of the super-sour popsicles, soda, etc. that he makes and watch me make faces. He especially likes sour beer, which tastes like stomach acid to me. Whatever floats your boat!

    10. Typhon Worker Bee*

      I have a major salt tooth. I enjoy chocolate, cakes etc. but don’t often crave them; put a bowl of crisps or pretzels in front of me and I lose all sense of self-control. I like bitter flavours too – hoppy IPAs, very dark chocolate, very strong (some would say over-brewed) tea etc.

    11. Bagpuss*

      No, I think it’s pretty common – lots of lovely things which are bitter -coffee, dry wines, bitter, dark/bitter chocolate as well as all the awesome savoury snacks there are.
      I do quite like (some) kinds of cake and sweet things as well, but can’t stand things like meringue or confectioners custard, as they are far too sickly sweet for me.

    12. Elf*

      I personally like most flavor groups, but if I’m in the mood for one in particular I don’t want any of the others :)

      Definitely don’t think you’re a psychopath. Remember, grapefruit is popular for a reason.

    13. Triple Anon*

      I’m kind of the same way. I don’t like things that taste like they’re high in fat. I like earthy tastes. People say I’m depriving myself, but it’s a healthy preference to have so why fight it?

    14. kc89*

      It’s not “weird” but I think most people are more familiar with people liking salty foods or savory foods, I don’t hear many people specifically saying they like bitter foods.

    17. Betsy*

      I’m more of a sweet tooth now, but as a kid I loved being allowed to have a sip of my parents’ coffee. I also would much rather have had a packet of chips over candy, when given the choice. I’d actually start to feel sick if I ate too many sweet things, whereas my brother would sit there guzzling cookies and soda.

      As an adult, I really like ice cream, but I don’t really get cookies and cake. I’ll eat them if they’re available, but the main reason I like them is that they are often covered in chocolate and/or cream, which is far better than the actual cake or cookies, in my opinion.

    18. Star Nursery*

      I like dark chocolate. I tend to prefer salty more than sweet… So chips and cheese more than cake/cookies/cupcakes… Etc.

  24. Nervous Accountant*

    Kind of a stupid question but do the coffee k cups have sugar or fat? A few of the boxes I see don’t have any nutrition information on them. I try to avoid drinking my sugar & calories.

    1. Natalie*

      I would be astonished if they had more than a few calories per cup of anything. Coffee is essentially nutritionally blank, and any added flavorings would be as well.

    2. periwinkle*

      K-cups that pretend to be lattes may have noticeable calories from added sugars or fat.

      Flavored coffees might have a negligible amount of added calories from flavoring oils/powders, but we’re talking maybe 2-3 calories a cup. Check labels on those before buying, but for the most part they’re fine. Unflavored black coffee is 0 calories.

      I’m not a fan of K-cups but it’s the only coffee we have available in the office unless I bring in my Aeropress…

    3. Blue_eyes*

      K cups are basically just coffee grounds in a little plastic cup, so it shouldn’t be different than brewed coffee. If they’re just coffee, they shouldn’t have sugar or fat. Even the flavored ones like vanilla or hazelnut shouldn’t have extra calories as long as they still make black coffee.

      Anything that comes out looking creamy (like hot chocolate, or chai latte k cups) may have additional calories from sugar or powdered milk.

    5. Nina*

      Agree with the other posters that sweetened versions will have more sugar and carbs versus the plain K cups. But I doubt it would be many.

      The creamers are the ones to watch out for. Because while they are deceptively delicious, but loaded with carbs/sugar, and fat. Yet I will still keep adding them to my coffee.

  25. LavaLamp*

    Anyone else have experience with credit card theft?

    On Valentines day someone got my bank details and charged over 500$ on flowers, and 900 numbers (phone sex basically). My coworkers are teasing me not that I got stolen from but what the thief spent it on and I’m so mad. I haven’t changed any routine or where I use my card so I’m at a loss to figure out where they got my info.

    My bank is being super slow at investigating too; of course it was my debit card that was stolen. Ugh. I really want to slap whoever did this.

    1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

      Yup. I, sadly, have had more than one experience (had an attempt on Thursday -WHOOHOO). Which means I spot stuff right away. I also have fraud alerts on everything so it gets flagged right away. Obnoxious when you’re in the middle of Kentucky and can’t get gas until you call them to turn your card back on. But so much better than dealing with getting your money back.

      1. Arjay*

        If you’re traveling, most banks/major credit cards will allow you to set your travel dates and locations online so they can tell whether a gas purchase in the middle of Kentucky might be legit or not.

    2. Temperance*

      Yes. I’m so sorry that happened to you.

      Booth’s debit card was cloned at a casino restaurant, and the woman who stole his identity was stupid enough to create a card with her legal name and his number. The store sold clubwear in a small town in New Jersey, and they were happy to send us a photo of the woman, as well as her name. We had to fight, but I created a dossier of her information and presented it to our bank. We also filed a police report, but I’m not sure what came of it. We were reimbursed and didn’t have to deal with the charges. However, since it was his debit card, we were pretty much broke for a solid month because that was our cash she stole to buy tight pants and stilettos.

      What we did afterward was switch to the credit card system. We use our CC for everything now.

    3. Kimberlee, Esq.*

      Eh. Its not been as bad recently, but I went thru a period where my credit card was being frauded every 4 to 6 months. There’s just a lot of ways to get ppls’ credit card info. I called and talked to the bank after the last one, because I was worried they would think I was doing the fraud, but there was absolutely no indication of that, and when I asked them if I should be doing anything differently, they told me no, it was probably some kind of info compromise at the point of sale, and that they work with shopkeepers/etc to secure their terminals once they narrow that it was probably theirs that the latest spate of frauds started at.

      FWIW, I’ve had a $700 Aquasana home water filtration system sitting in a box in my front hallway for over a year. Because the last time someone frauded my card, that’s what they ordered, and I guess they didn’t intercept the package? Because the thing was delivered, to me in my name, even though Aquasana did cancel the transaction and I wasn’t charged. And they are extremely not motivated to get it back from me. So now we’re trying to sell it. LOL.

      So, the tl;dr is that I just don’t really worry about fraud on my cards anymore. I just get another one, its a minor pain, and rinse and repeat. If the bank’s not concerned, neither am I!

      1. Arjay*

        The frustrating part is that I have some recurring payments that go on the credit card (for points) and a couple of those companies have terrible processes for updating the online payment info. We rent a storage unit and every time the card number changed, I had to print, sign, and mail them a paper authorization form. Ugh.

    4. fposte*

      Yeah, periodically. Mine has all been credit card, though, so it’s been an abstract pain. There’s never any investigation that I know about–the charges get reversed and I carry on.

    5. dr_silverware*

      You probably did nothing special to get your info stolen. At this point there are so many points of vulnerability, leaks, insecure ecommerce systems, and information already floating around that your only two protections are 1. ultra-paranoia and 2. good luck that your info won’t be the next drawn out of the hat.

      Roll your eyes at your coworkers, get that money back, and honestly, stop using your debit card for purchasing–at least fraud on a credit card doesn’t put you out actual money in your account.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This. At one point I was reading up on vulnerabilities, apparently there is/was no encryption at gas pumps. For a split second all our info was in the wide open. I am not sure if that situation has improved.
        There was also a big hack at a grocery store here. They got millions of numbers. The weak point was between the machine where you swipe and the register, again with no encryption.

        I saw online where people could buy machines that would collect the credit card numbers. All they had to do was sit outside the place of business and wait.

        1. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

          Yeah, gas stations tend to get really long leeway periods on pretty much every major update to the credit card processing requirements, since upgrading a bunch of card readers built into pumps is a pain in the rear and not cheap.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I can’t get a credit card, so I’m stuck with debit. However, my bank seems to be pretty good at flagging stuff–I bought a painting online and they blocked it immediately. I had to call them and prove it was me who bought it.

        After the Equifax breach, I put a freeze on EVERYTHING. Even ChexSystems. I’m not going to be renting an apartment or making any major purchases anytime soon, and I’ll probably have plenty of notice if any employers want to do a credit check, so I can lift them if I need to.

    6. Nicole76*

      This has happened to me twice in the past several years, but always my main credit card which I use for the majority of my purchases. I actually don’t use a debit card at all because I don’t want them taking my actual money. If you’re able to switch to a credit card that you pay off in full monthly that would at least lesson the headache when this happens again. Unfortunately these days it’s only a matter of time regardless of how careful you are (and I don’t think you did anything to prompt this).

      1. Blue_eyes*

        This. Consider using a credit card instead of a debit card. The credit card company can and will reverse fraudulent charges fairly easily. Getting the bank to restore money that was taken from your checking account is more difficult and can take longer.

        A lot of credit cards also offer extra consumer protections like extended warranties on things you buy with the card.

        1. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

          If the debit card is being used in a non-face to face environment, or in a face-to-face environment without using a PIN, then it’s being processed as a credit card and it is subject to the credit card company’s rules about disputes and acceptance.

      1. LavaLamp*

        I think I am going to get a credit card. This is such a mess, and I wouldn’t have noticed for hours if I hadn’t looked at my account before bidding on eBay. And of course the bank isn’t going to question flowers on Valentines day. Who would?

        I don’t think it’s my banks fault persay, but their policies are “lets take ages before refunding you and treating you like you’re the one who overdrew your account by 500$”. Ugh.

        1. Blue_eyes*

          This is another reason to get a credit card – a thief can max out your card, but can’t overdraw your account the way you can with a debit card.

        2. neverjaunty*

          It is your bank’s fault that they do not have appropriate policies in place to deal with fraud quickly and make sure you’re OK. “Here, please use our debit card! But if someone steals it, we couldn’t care less.” Not a good bank.

    8. Lady Jay*

      Yes. Several years ago, someone used my SSN to open a new credit card. They initially charged about $200 on it, but over the course of a year, it worked up to $700, and I only found out about it when I got called by the debt collectors. It took me four months and probably $100-200 to straighten out the information. Ugh. You may want to consider:

      Cancelling your debit card. I assume you’ve already done this, but am listing it here just for information’s sake.

      Filing a police report. The chances of the police catching your thief are next to nil, but having the report can be really helpful, as it’s a nice, official way of documenting that you did experience credit card theft at this point. You can also file a report with the Federal Trade Commission, though this may be overkill since it was only your debit card, not your full identity.

      Getting a copy of your credit report, make sure that the debit card was the only thing compromised. You can do this at annualcrediteport.com, or sometimes through your bank. Consider signing up for a credit monitoring service if you don’t currently.

      Placing a fraud alert on your credit account with the three credit bureaus (Experian, Transunion, Equifax), especially if your credit was compromised. The alert tells lending agencies to call you if your information is used to take out a loan.

      You can find more information on the Federal Trade Commission’s website; I’ll put the link in a comment.

      Good luck! I know from personal experience how awful this is.

      2. ..Kat..*

        Change all of your passwords. NOW! Any password connected to your money AND all of your email passwords.

    9. Tris Prior*

      Yes. Ugh. Between me and Boyfriend, it happened 6 times in 1 year. So frustrating! A couple of them were really weird, too, like someone got my credit card info and used it at a pharmacy I’d used once a long time ago, and the meds actually got shipped to the place I quit working at 6 years ago – ?? Also someone hacked my Sephora account, changed the address to that of a state I don’t live in, and charged some makeup remover wipes to my Visa. Again, ??

      My bank was very good about immediately sending me an automated text saying essentially “uh, these charges look suspicious, was it you?” Boyfriend’s bank, not so much. He only noticed when he was checking his balance online. When he called to report the fraudulent charges, he asked his bank why he hadn’t gotten a similar notification (the charges were wire transfers made in a state we don’t live in, which one would think would trip some sort of “that’s suspicious” alarm?), he was told he had to pay extra for that service! WHAT.

      Neither of us use our debit card for anything other than to withdraw cash, any more, and we try to use the same ATMs and check them for skimmer devices first. One of my fraudulent charges came immediately after I used an ATM that was on an outside wall of a bar in a not-great neighborhood so I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised.

      That being said, it’s likely nothing you did wrong. This stuff’s really common now.

    10. only acting normal*

      Yes. In the UK (probably makes a difference on laws etc). My debit card showed some charges that weren’t mine (coach to airport and budget airline ticket… the last of the big spenders stole my details!)
      I walked into my bank and reported it; on the spot they recredited my account & cancelled the card, then sent me a form which I filled out with details of the fraudulent charges and anywhere I thought my card might have been compromised, sent me a new card… and that’s it. Their fraud office handled it from there, and I never heard anything else.
      Surprisingly painless, and though there are a lot of problems with my bank (one of the UK “big 5”) I was very impressed with that experience.

    11. paul*

      Yes. My wallet got stolen at a work function one year; I didn’t realize until the next morning (the event ran till frigging midnight).

      By the time I’d realized it, my checking account was overdrawn. Had to file a police report, and got bounced around between the city I live in and the city I was pickpocketed in. But it took maybe 3-4 days to get *that* straightened out, plus replacing licenses, key cards, stuff like that took a while.

    12. MsChanandlerBong*

      I’ve had my debit card info stolen a few times. What makes me really mad is that my bank has flagged my card for fraud when I’ve tried to buy a $6 lunch from the restaurant NEXT DOOR TO MY HOUSE, but they never seem to catch actual fraud. One time, a thief got my debit card number and bought $300 worth of Straight Talk phones/minutes. Another time, some idiot in Chicago stole my debit card number and used it to buy a $500 laptop from Walmart.com–except it was pretty easy to figure out where they lived, since they put their home address as the delivery address. Even though I had the person’s name and address, the police didn’t do anything about it, which is also annoying. I wouldn’t call the cops on someone who stole a $3 jar of peanut butter, but using someone else’s debit card to make a $500 purchase is something that shouldn’t be tolerated.

    13. Clever Name*

      My number has been stolen at least 3 times. The las time I noticed a small charge at a restaurant in another city I’ve been to, however I know for certain I wasn’t there on that day, so I called the cc company and they deactivated that number and issued me a new card. Each time it’s been as simple as me calling saying I didn’t make the charge. I’ve fortunately never been out any money.

    14. Knitter who lurks*

      have had two CC numbers (different companies, different times) stolen which was discovered when the theives started charging. didn’t have to pay because my companies have good policies and it was easy to prove I was elsewhere from other charges before and after. I never use my debit card except at the ATM.

      (tl;dr- other banking systems have much better protections in place for debit cards than the US.) I’m American and living in another country right now where they use DC mostly, rarely credit cards. my current bank is awesome! I pay a very small fee (75 cents) to have insurance on my bank card. It covers ID theft, and in-person theft of cash for the first 24 hours after I withdraw it(!). their default system setup is that it alerts you on your phone for every.single.charge. you can chage these settings (on/off, only over a certain amount). All online purchases send a code to my phone and I have to enter that to complete the transaction. I have no idea if others in my country have experienced ID theft of debit cards.

    15. Yorkshire Rose*

      My credit union is really great about this. I went through a period where I had 3 new credit cards in a year due to fraudulent charges. I’m really good about checking my charges online and I catch these things early. The only bad thing is sometimes a charge won’t go through because for some reason the algorithm they used flagged it as fraud, so I end up using a second card and calling up the credit union to tell them the charge I was trying to make was legit. This happened once while I was overseas, which is really the worst time for a charge to get declined, even after I notified them ahead of time that I was going to be out of the country.

    16. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      It’s pretty easy to get card info these days, especially if it’s going to be used on something like 900 numbers where there’s very little capability for the merchant to authenticate the card properly. Back when I worked in credit cards, I could pull a business’s authorization attempt history and see a record of someone trying to brute force card numbers — the same number with the last few digits ticking upward. The vast majority of the card numbers are invalid, but every now and then they’ll get one that works and charge stuff to it.

    4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      It looks like she found an old Jane Fonda workout tape in a closet somewhere and decided to give it a try.

  27. Kezi*

    I am having a very hard time getting weight off one of my cats. He’s an estimated 7 years old. He weighs currently weighs 28 pounds. The vet says he’s healthy “except for that”, and there’s no medical reason causing it. The vet says he’s a very tall/long cat in general so I should try to get him to about 20 pounds.

    Thus far, I have tried limiting food, changing food, and eliminating treats. I have also tried moving the food bowl to downstairs, so he has to go up and down the stairs to eat. I’ve tried active toys and laser pointers to try to give him more active time. Complicating the issue: He eats literally everything if he is hungry/just wants to eat. If I reduce his food any more, he will eat anything from plastic bags to fabric. Vet has advised me not to reduce his food again to avoid having obstructions.

    He does have a huge prey drive and loves to hunt. He will even hunt flies in my apartment. I think if he were able to hunt more, it’d take care of the problem, but I don’t live in an area where it’s safe to let him go out and hunt.

    Does anyone have any suggestions for what I can do when the “normal” advice doesn’t seem to be working? Especially since there’s no health issues causing it.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Have you tried those food dispensers that are also toys, and they have to kind of “hunt” to get the food out? There are a bunch of them if you search “cat food toy.”

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        My cat gives us the most scathing looks when we use these, and sometimes just leaves the entire building.

        1. Jess*

          My last cat loved those balls that dispense treats when moved, but when I tried using one for current cat that needed to lose some weight he just couldn’t get his head around it at all, bless him. He’s very food motivated and would hoover up the food when I showed him how it worked, but never figured out he could make it dispense the food himself.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            My auntie’s cat loves his. He’d eat all day if she let him. So he’s on a little kitty diet. Every time I went into the kitchen he would be like, “You bringing me food, hooman? No? Then no pets allowed–begone!”

    2. Your Weird Uncle*

      Maybe try a puzzle feeder? We had one for our cats (we’ve since stopped free feeding, but we don’t have the same issues you do) but it’s supposed to a) get them to work harder for their food, and b) might satisfy the hunting instinct a bit more? We tried the balls with holes in them so the cats have to roll the food out, which my cats couldn’t figure out, but the puzzle feeder tower from Catit was a big hit.

      Another hint I’ve seen is to try hiding his food in various places around the house to satisfy the hunting urge. Obviously you’d have to ease him into it by, say, making it easy for him to get the concept, but that might be fun for him if he’s home alone during the day a lot.

      Good luck!

    3. Turtlewings*

      Have you tried the kind of toys that you put food inside of? Since he loves to hunt, I would try feeding him exclusively through toys where he has to hunt and work to get the food.

      1. Kezi*

        I have but I just ordered some new ones that are a different size/shape, in the hopes that he’ll like them more than our current ones.

    4. fposte*

      When you say “changing food,” what is he on now? Is it canned food and not dry, and is it low in carbs?

      1. copy run start*

        +1 If he isn’t on diet kitty food, he may need to be. It’s expensive, it’s extra stinky but in my experience, very effective. I use the canned Hill’s m/d with my cat.

        I will say that I was pretty obsessed with dieting my cat when I first brought him home — measured his food to the gram, weighed him every other day, etc. He only really started losing weight when I relaxed about it. I kept his portions but stopped trying to measure them and just “used my eyes.” And I stopped weighing him more than once a month. And the weight started to fall off. If you’re stressed about his weight, he might be stressed about his weight too.

      2. Kezi*

        He’s currently on Blue buffalo weight management. Wet food tends to disagree with him, so he’s on dry.

        1. fposte*

          That’s pretty high-carb stuff, unfortunately, which I suspect is part of the problem. If he can’t go to wet, you may have to choose which is the lesser evil, his weight or his issues with wet food.

        2. I'm A Little TeaPot*

          Blue buffalo tends to be higher calorie in my experience, regardless of the type. I’d suggest talking to your vet about one of the prescription diets. You don’t want to do them long term, but they can really help. In addition to the food, encourage activity as much as you can. Weight loss in cats is slow and is measured in ounces, and is extremely frustrating.

          I sympathize – I’ve got mine on a diet too. I’m getting tired of being whined at.

          1. Kezi*

            I’ll see if I can find something with less carbs/calories. Unfortunately, we tried prescription diet after his yearly check up last year and he gained weight on it, despite feeding recommended amounts. When we dropped the amount I fed a little, he chewed up the bottom of my shower curtain. It’s been frustrating.

            1. Close Bracket*

              You can find caloric content online. Royal Canin Calorie Control High Protein is the lowest calorie food on the market. RC CC High Carb is the second lowest. That’s what I fed my cat, and it allowed me to feed her enough that she was not hungry and obnoxious all the time. I fed a mix of wet and dry at the time.

              Ignore the suggested feeding amounts. Feed him enough that he is not hungry and see how it goes. My vet calculated the amount I should feed my cat, and she gained a pound. I threw out their advice and just figured out how much she could eat by trial and error.

              I tracked her progress with weekly weigh ins and made a chart with a weighted average bc I am a scientist and that’s what we do. Technique is to weigh yourself, write it down. Pick up the cat, weigh both of yourselves, subtract. Use a digital scale that reads out in 1/10ths. The weightloss was so slow that just weighing even once a month would not have been helpful. The chart allowed me to see trends over months so I could tell if we were on a general downward trend or not. It also allowed me to really watch my own general upward trend, which happened a little faster. :-)

              It took a few years, maybe as many as 5, for her to lose 3 pounds. You don’t want them to lose weight too fast, anyway, bc metabolizing too much of their fat will give them fatty liver disease. Plus, I worry that their metabolism as a mammal is enough like humans that it will slow down with a severe diet the same way a human’s will.

              When she was down to 13 pounds, I started switching her over to non-diet food, while still paying attention to the caloric information. She actually lost another few pounds over the next 4-5 years because I was feeding her less overall.

    5. dr_silverware*

      Talk with your vet again and see if they have any tips. If they don’t, and your pet is otherwise healthy, just keep exercising him and making sure he doesn’t get an obstruction.

      It’s important to keep your cat’s weight healthy. For your cat, that may mean the weight he’s at now–because the risks of dramatically lowering his weight are so much higher than possible health concerns in 10 years. So at a certain point, you and your vet may have to say, well, it is unhealthy for your cat to get an obstruction, it is unhealthy for your cat to feel like he’s starving and food restricted, so if he’s playing energetically and having no other health concerns, this is what’s healthiest for him right now.

      2. Pet sitter*

        I’m sorry, but I have to disagree here, unless you are a veterinarian or another professional. I’ve seen so many extremely overweight cats (not just pudgy) develop arthritis, diabetes, and other health problems, often quite young. If we were talking about a cat that weighed, say, 14 or 15 pounds, I would agree – but this one is the feline equivalent of a 300-pound person.

        1. dr_silverware*

          I did in fact recommend speaking with the vet, multiple times in my comment :)

          Your comment is an example of how fraught even a conversation about weight can be, even when we’re talking about our pets. No doubt that extremely overweight cats are at a high risk to develop a lot of really unpleasant health problems. Kezi’s original comment notes that their cat turns to pica pretty quickly when he’s hungry; obstructions and other consequences of eating non-food are also really unpleasant health problems.

          So it’s a matter of balancing risk, which only Kezi and their vet can do. In my comment I wanted to make sure that among the weight-loss tips and so forth, there’s another voice reminding them that if they and their vet decide to just keep the cat active & happy for now, that can be a perfectly OK choice for their cat.

          It may also interest you to know that a 300lb person can live a quite healthy and happy life, so let’s not project those particular cultural judgments onto a cat; we’re different creatures.

          1. Pet sitter*

            If you’re not a professional, please don’t suggest that a morbidly obese animal (or a severely underweight one, for that matter) can be healthy at that weight long-term. The body positivity concept is nice, but it helps humans’ feelings and self-image, not animals’ physical health.

            1. dr_silverware*

              I understand what you’re saying, and I think we’re talking about similar angles. I’m saying don’t use human concepts to look at animal obesity and you are now saying the same thing :) We are also both saying speak with a vet. So, perfect!

              1. Pet sitter*

                I get you. We’re cool! I read your original comment as advising keeping the cat at his current weight, and then I thought of pets I’ve worked with who developed health issues over the years.

    6. Dinosaur*

      Have you tried switching to an ultra high quality food for your kitty? My mom’s dog was a chunky buddy until she switched to a higher quality food. He felt full longer and therefore didn’t eat as much as frequently as he did before the food switch. Maybe your vet can recommend some brands?

    7. Pet sitter*

      Can he jump? If he can’t, put anything he isn’t supposed to eat as high as you can.

      Like humans, in the absence of health conditions, cats gain weight because they eat too much. Measure every serving of his food (don’t be crazy about it, just use a measuring cup to scoop from the bag and try to give roughly the same amount of canned food every time). Try half of a can of food at breakfast and lunch, and a third of a cup of dry food.

        1. Pet sitter*

          Okay, then it’s great that he’s getting consistent serving sizes. Perhaps with that, he is already losing weight. :) Sometimes progress isn’t quick and that’s fine.

          Just a random thought: Is he only being weighed at vet visits and is that working for you? If you want to check on his weight before the next vet visit and you have a scale for people, try weighing yourself, weighing yourself holding him, and then working out the difference.

          2. I'm A Little TeaPot*

            For cats, ounces matter. Normal people scales aren’t sensitive enough. Get a baby scale to weigh them.

            1. Pet sitter*

              You’re right, it’s just worth trying if OP doesn’t have a baby scale. But it looks like he’s being weighed regularly anyway.

    8. Tris Prior*

      I had a cat who would also eat literally everything. He wasn’t even on a diet – if it fit into his mouth, that’s where it was going, whether he was hungry or full. I had to do some really extreme catproofing. I don’t know if that might help in your situation? It totally sucked to keep surfaces mostly bare and everything behind closed doors, and we had to put child latches on all the cabinets and doors so he couldn’t sneak in and eat whatever nonfood items were in there. But that’s what it took to avoid the repeated trips to the kitty ER that we were having.

    9. Over the moon*

      I don’t have a cat and this advice might be useless, but from experience with dogs, diet food is worse. The high carbs just made my dog even more hungry and miserable. It may seem counter tuitive, but getting enough healthy fats and protein for your cat may be the key. Maybe there is a Keto diet for kitties.

      1. Elizabeth H.*

        My roommate cat gets fed Nulo food which is grain free, mostly animal protein, etc. It has a lot of different flavors and she’ll even eat the wet food sometimes (she is addicted to dry food and has to be carefully prevented from gaining weight). I’d suggest trying it!

    10. CanadianUniversityReader*

      Have you thought about getting a leash? We live in area where it’s not safe to let our cat roam. But, we got our cat a harness and a leash. We put him outside and tie one end to the deck. He’s able to roam around and chase things.

      1. Kezi*

        Yes! I bought him a harness and leash and have been gradually trying to train him/get him used to the harness hoping we can walk in the spring.

    12. CatCat*

      When our cat needed to lose weight, we replaced some of his food with canned pumpkin. It’s low in calories, but still helped with having him feel full.

  28. New Bee*

    Black Panther discussion thread (with spoilers)! Talk about how much you loved the movie (because if you didn’t, do you even go here?). :)

    1. DoctorateStrange*

      That movie was amazing. And holy hell, that’s how you write a sympathetic villain. Erik Killmonger has to be one of my favorite baddies now. And I am never not over how HALF the main cast was women in different roles (and they all lived!) It frustrates me to still see franchises only sticking to one or two female characters and how they hardly ever interact (it weirds me out how Maria Hill and Natasha have been in more than one movie but have not interacted once outright.)

      1. ainomiaka*

        OMG yes on the Maria Hill and Natasha. Like in Winter Soldier-you two never ONCE have a conversation about your giant mutual professional problem?

      2. Junior Dev*

        I know! I think both the movie and the characters in it did a great job of relating to Erik and understanding why he did what he did, without making excuses or letting him off the hook.

        That’s actually quite relevant to me in my personal life–I really struggle with moving on from being harmed in a way that isn’t just “pretend it didn’t happen,” and I have a lot of problems with the cultural narratives around this topic. It’s great to see a movie portray this level of moral and social complexity.

        1. DoctorateStrange*

          SPOILERS

          I am so with you on cultural narratives about this. I was so scared that when T’Challa visited his father the second time, the story was going to have said father justify what he did and go all, yeah, Erik is just plain evil, through and through but NOPE. T’Challa’s father did a horrendous thing and while Erik’s actions are not to be excused, he is a tragic person in many ways. T’Challa still trying to reach out to him in their last scene breaks my heart every time.

          END SPOILERS

    3. Fiennes*

      Loved it! Great villain, great acting, great female characters who were complex and interesting AND who knew and liked each other. My one quibble was that some of the casino and night scenes came across as murky, but that may well have been a digital projection issue rather than the film itself. Just fabulous entertainment all around.

      IMO, between this, “Wonder Woman,” and “Logan,” the bar has been raised for superhero movies. The formula has finally been altered in ways that are actually meaningful. I’m not knocking the formula—when it works, it’s awesome—but the genre has now proved itself capable of more. (Maybe inevitably, the trailers for both “Ant-Man and the Wasp” and “Venom” looked generic in comparison to BP.) I will be interested to see where else the genre will go. And given the huge financial success of BP & WW, plus the strong box office and Oscar cred for “Logan,” I think the studios may realize that taking chances with innovative screenwriters and directors can truly pay off.

      2. New Bee*

        I am not a superhero fan, but my husband is, so I’ve seen pretty much all of the MCU. But I would (and will!) See this movie again.

        The casino scene looked great in our theater, but it was supposed to be some enhanced digital format.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        I agree also. If they keep raising quality, this could literally go on forever. And I’m down for that. I love the superhero genre as fantasy. I’m happy the films are becoming more than just popcorn films. Not that there’s anything wrong with popcorn entertainment–I enjoy it very much if it’s not stupid. One should always come out of a blockbuster film thinking “Damn, I really enjoyed that.”

      4. Buu*

        Black Panther was great, strongest supporting cast for miles.

        It’s a shame Edgar Wright left Ant-man you could see some of his fingerprints still in the first film, I don’t have high hopes for the 2nd.
        I didn’t like most of the fox super hero films until recently First Class, Days of Future past, Deadpool and Logan stand out. It’s interesting they peaked just as Disney aquires fox. It’ll be interesting if they keep it seperate or merge them.
        In the same vein I love Legion, Jessica Jones, Daredevil and Luke Cake but I am super hard pass on many of the others.

    4. Totally Minnie*

      Shuri is my new favorite character in the MCU. She’s amazing and delightful and I hope to see dozens of tiny girls dressed as her this Halloween.

      2. Melody Pond*

        Ahhh, yes! I loved Shuri SO MUCH! I think she might be my new favorite character in the MCU as well!

    5. Tris Prior*

      Just saw it last night and loved it! I loved the multiple strong female characters. Shuri needs her own movie – yes please, more smart female scientists in movies, please! I was so excited to see fight scenes that were interesting and involved freaking armored RHINOS rather than just good guys and bad guys blasting the hell out of one another with guns.

    6. Melody Pond*

      Oh man. We saw Black Panther this last Monday, and I’ve been raving about it to literally everyone.

      I’m a big MCU fan in general – even the weaker ones, I still generally enjoy. But I think Black Panther is my new favorite MCU movie. Like – I really enjoyed Thor: Ragnarok. It was definitely entertaining. But in terms of narrative quality, I don’t think it was nearly as *good* as Black Panther. The villain, the hero, the characters, the set design, the costume design – everything in Black Panther blew me away.

      Others have mentioned the strong female characters (who actually talk to each other and LIKE each other!), and the amazingness that is the sympathetic character in Killmonger – all of which I totally agree with. Another big selling point for me, was how T’Challa seems to avoid toxic masculinity. There was never a moment where he made a sarcastic quip or snide comment about being surrounded by women, or being saved by women. He has strong relationships with his mother and sister. I also thought he struck the perfect balance between expressing emotions with those he’s close to, while also (more publicly) being reserved with his display of personality and not a huge macho show-off. It reminded me of a scene from The Crown, where Elizabeth is telling Margaret (I think it was Margaret?) that, yes, the monarchy should shine, but not the monarch.

      One of my favorite youtubers, Emergency Awesome, had a video about Black Panther and how he thinks Black Panther is going to be the new central, leading figure in the MCU and possibly the Avengers – particularly as the first batches of mainstream actors (RDJ, Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, etc.) all start to come to the end of their contracts. I thought it was super interesting, and I hope he’s right – I want to see T’Challa have a central role in the MCU, especially as we finish up phase 3 and move into phase 4.

    7. Clever Name*

      Ohhhh. I just saw it with my son. I cried several times. The first “Dream” scene with his dad was one of the most beautiful scenes I’ve ever seen. I’m horrible that I can’t remember folk’s names….I loved the sister. I thought her characterization was really unexpected. From jealous sister who is really his sidekick and behind the scenes support and by the way engineering genius.

    8. JenM*

      Saw it last night and loved it. So many strong women and echoing DoctorateStrange – they all lived!! Loved Loved Loved T’Challa. This is how you write a hero.

    9. Elizabeth West*

      I loved it. So much. I want to see it again. Visually, it was absolutely gorgeous. I enjoyed Thor: Ragnarok tremendously, but this was levels above it in terms of depth. I wish Eric Killmonger hadn’t died, but I liked the way he did. That was a very poignant scene. I had to dig in my purse for a tissue.

      And I liked the moral ambiguity exhibited by Daniel Kaluuya’s character, W’Kabi. I hope we see more of that. And more of him–I admit I’ve been crushing on him a little since Get Out. :3

    10. Becky*

      One of my favorite things in movies/books/tv is great sibling relationships. So T’Challa and Shuri’s relationship was my favorite thing in the movie (and there were obviously some other GREAT things in the movie to).
      I think Shuri was my favorite character too.

      But the scene with the “sneakers” joke and T’Challa gives Shuri this “what is wrong with you” look just cracked me up so much.

      I feel like they hit the right balance of siblings who can needle each other like no one else and love and support each other fiercely. For some reason I don’t seem to see that a lot in media.

  29. Mela*

    My husband grew up with dogs, loves them, etc. He hasn’t had one as an adult because he’s always said his/our life doesn’t fit in our life. He’s recently been diagnosed with ADHD and I’ve been reading about how Emotional Support Animals can help a lot. The more I think about it, the more I think it’s a good fit for him and he agrees. Right now, a dog still wouldn’t fit into our lives, but in the future I think we’ll be making changes that will allow it to become a bigger priority.

    My question is about me. I really, really dislike animals. I would never want a pet dog, but I’m okay with it if it’s a working animal (which is what this would be). I enjoy playing with friends’ animals, petting them, etc. But the idea of an animal in my home, chewing on things, smelling, ugh it bothers me just thinking about it.

    So I’ve already decided that we will prioritize training so a lot of behavioral problems won’t be an issue, and it won’t be allowed on the bed/couches etc. I’m not concerned with me having to take care of it because the whole point is that he does it to create stability and structure.

    We already know we’d want a larger medium size dog, but any breeds that we should stay away from or anything? We’ll get a rescue/mutt, but my understanding is that you can generally get an idea of which breeds they’re made up of?

    So, what else can be done to keep issues at a minimum?

    Note: I’m not looking for commentary about how great animals are, how they’re family. I get that the majority of commentators here are super pro-animal, but I’ve read your conversations about this topic, I know how you feel. I disagree. Let’s just leave it at that. I also don’t need advise on how to navigate the legalities of an ESA vs service animal. I already know enough about how to navigate everything once we move back to the US, but we don’t live there now.

    1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      I love dogs, but I hate shedding and don’t ever want to have a nonshedding dog (not to the point that I’d make a future romantic partner give theirs up if they had one, but I’d want all future dogs to be nonshedding). Really cuts down on the mess, although they do need to be groomed.

      I don’t know how big your home is, but look into baby gates for blocking off certain parts of the house. My dog’s staying with family members right now, but when she was with me we locked her in the kitchen at night and kept the top floor of the house (bedrooms and computer rooms/offices) blocked all the time so she couldn’t get up there. Having a dog-free space where you can go might help.

      1. Mela*

        Is shedding vs. non-shedding a binary thing? If not, how can you tell/evaluate it? When you say they need grooming, do you mean like brushing at home? Or something more complex?

        We’d be in a different space when this ends up happening, but dog-free spaces will definitely be part of the deal.

        1. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

          All dogs shed (in the same way that our hair falls out sometimes, even though healthy humans don’t leave clumps of body hair on every chair we sit on). Some dogs shed a lot more than others. That’s why I recommend that you get an adult dog from a foster home — they can tell you the details about how much that specific dog sheds (rather than depending on estimates of how much a particular breed will shed).

          More dogs that “don’t shed”/have very limited shedding, will require extensive grooming — not just brushing them, but cutting and shaving their hair so it doesn’t get matted. You can pay a groomer for this (but it’s expensive; think $50 or more depending on the size of the dog) or learn to do it yourself (using clippers).

    2. Temperance*

      I would think about what benefits your husband wants from the dog, and how it would help his ADHD before jumping in and getting one. All of the stuff you’re worried about is stuff that will happen when you bring a dog into the house. When it comes to rescues, you can’t always tell what breeds are included in a dog. They’ll guess, but they can be super off. I’ve also had a few friends pick up dogs who were way older than advertised, or had health/behavioral issues that weren’t disclosed. Shelter dogs are awesome and adopting is great, but you aren’t likely to find a super trainable dog that can do tasks for your husband.

      1. Natalie*

        Plus breed traits aren’t any kind of guarantee, both physical and personality ones. My friend’s dog is literally 50% heavier than his breed standard (and its a big dog, which means he’s like 120 pounds).

        1. Temperance*

          This is true as well! I have friends who have a rat terrier, and he’s probably the laziest dog I’ve ever met.

        2. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

          Yep. My ex-father got an Airedale having been told that non-farm ‘Dales come out around 40-45 lbs. His turned into a nearly 80-lb monster. (Farm ‘Dales are more like the 120 mark.)

      2. Mela*

        The dog wouldn’t really be doing tasks, it’s more like taking care of the dog in and of itself helps. It doesn’t need any special training, just the normal well-behaved kind.

        When you mention health/behavioral issues that weren’t disclosed, do you mean the shelter lied? I didn’t think that was good policy because people might dump the animal after realizing?

        1. Temperance*

          It’s not good policy, but sometimes, shelters are understandably overwhelmed and need to place animals quickly. It’s also very, very true that the shelter environment is very different than a home, so you don’t always know what’s going to happen with an animal.

          If it’s just about the routine of having a pet, would fish or something work better?

        2. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

          Rescues and shelters vary, and there are some unethical ones. Most rescues don’t lie — but they can definitely be wrong.

          The rescue I work with allows dogs to be returned to the rescue (for a full refund) if a health issue is discovered by their vet in the first ten days — that’s both because we don’t want people to be “stuck” with a dog that has a health issue they aren’t prepared to manage, and because it helps encourage them to take the dog to a vet right away, which is of course a good practice.

          1. Natalie*

            Yep, a lot of times they just don’t know. People obfuscate when they surrender their pets, and the shelter environment is nothing like a home so you really can’t say for certain how an animal will behave once its adopted.

            The big humane society in my area allows returns within 60 days, but for store credit essentially, so you could pick out a different dog. Most foster-based rescues require you to return the dog if its not working out as well.

    3. Aurora Leigh*

      Well, honestly, you might have some trouble at rescues/shelters since they expect the dogs they’re placing to be treated as family.

      With mutts, you can only guess on breed — our boy has a ridge of fur like a rhodesian ridgeback, a face like a German shepherd, and who knows what else could be mixed in.

      It sounds like you’ll want an adult dog that is already mostly trained — I wonder if there is somewhere that trains dogs for this purpose?

      Even short haired breeds can shed a lot.

      I don’t know, but could the same benefits come from a lower matinence pet? Something like fish or any small animal that mostly lives a cage might be a better fit for both of you.

      1. Mela*

        I mean, if we have issues based on my opinion that a dog is a dog and not a child, then fine. But I’m not too worried about it.

        If there was a place that did train dogs for this purpose, that would be great! We definitely have the resources to make it happen financially. I just haven’t heard of anything like that.

        And unfortunately, no, the entire point is that dogs are high maintenance and require a lot of care. Plus he only likes dogs and cats.

        1. fposte*

          The thing is about dogs is that even if they came to you trained it would be up to you guys to work to keep it that way. Right now you’re very kindly contemplating this possibility because you love your husband, but I think unless you surprise yourself by falling for the dog the reality is going to be somewhat what you’re afraid it will be.

          The one suggestion I’d have is to poke around forums for people with ESAs and ask questions; if you find somebody who has a dog that seems to operate the way you’re hoping, ask even more to see how they got there.

          1. Mela*

            The ESA forums is a good idea. This is really years and years away so I’m giving myself time to adjust and gather all the information I’ll need to decide how I feel about it. Right now, I don’t mind maintaining the training, that to me is just part of having an animal. I just want to be sure about that before deciding.

        2. Gaia*

          There is “a dog is a dog and not a child” and then there is “I don’t recognize that dogs are pack animals and social creatures and will recognize I clearly don’t want them”

          I’m sorry, but I have to recommend you not get a dog and consider another animal. You clearly don’t want one. You clearly don’t like them. That is downright cruel to the dog.

    4. grace*

      I’ve had shetland sheepdogs my whole life, and if you’re worried about chewing or high strung dogs, I’d recommend steering clear of that whole family of dogs – no border collies, no hunting dogs. They’re very loyal and very smart, but that means that they need a lot of attention to keep them from being destructive. (The same often goes for huskies.)

      German shepherds really can be one-person dogs, so if you are already on the fence and the dog bonds with you – or with your husband and not you – then that can lead to tension. A golden retriever really is a lovely, smart, calm dog – there’s a reason they’re family dogs. And pitbulls can be really sweet and lovely too, they’re kind of like big babies, but make sure your lease allows it.

      With all of the medium dogs, your husband’ll want to make time to walk them, play with them, etc. to keep any potential problems at bay. The smell may be helped by air filters (I’ve found you get used to it, and maybe try a shorter-haired dog; my shelties, bless their hearts, were very ripe in the summer just due to the smell of so much hot hair!) or frequent grooming.

      Good luck!

      1. Mela*

        Thank you! He grew up with Dobermans all his life, so he doesn’t really know much about other breeds. And yes, the entire point is that there will be lots of walks and playing etc. because 1, that’s the point and 2, he loves dogs so much.

        1. ronda*

          I had a couple of dobermans too and liked them best. The short coarse hair just seemed to fall to the ground and be easy to clean. They are protective and big barkers when someone approached the house, but not when I had them out somewhere they were not in charge of. (this type of hair is my main preference in a dog)

          I did not allow them on the furniture, but what this seemed to mean to them, was dont get on the furniture when people are in the room. :)

          My aunt has been being a puppy raiser for a seeing eye dog organization. I suggest this if you would be interested in a year long commitment instead of a dog life-time commitment. Yes it is a puppy and you are think you want to skip that phase, but it gives you a trial period with an end date. — if the puppy does not make the cut for seeing eye dog, they do offer the dog to the raiser (in case you really liked the puppy).

          1. ronda*

            I did volunteer as a dog walker at my local shelter. that might be an option for your husband
            to get some dog-time activities
            or
            to find a dog he has a connection with

    5. Turtlewings*

      Definitely don’t get a puppy; they are made entirely of energy and mess. And definitely get a shorthair that doesn’t shed. (Sadly these are not synonyms. My friend has a Dalmatian mix with very short, thin hair who nevertheless sheds EVERYWHERE.)

      Personally I would avoid Labs. They are very sweet-tempered but they’re dumb as rocks and take many years to outgrow the sloppy hyper puppy stage. It’s pretty tough to find a mutt that isn’t part Lab but oh man. Avoid Labs. And avoid Dalmatians, they are so neurotic. Every Dalmatian I’ve ever known had a screw loose, except the one that was so old when we got her that she just didn’t the energy anymore to freak out over anything.

      From what I have heard anecdotally, poodles tend to be calm and neat, and very smart/trainable. Maybe look into that.

      1. Mela*

        Oh goodness yes. I’ve known a few people who’ve gotten puppies and that definitely solidified it for me. I’d heard about Dalmatians and poodles but not labs, thanks for the tip.

        Is it a thing to get an almost purebred? Like I don’t want a purebred for ethical/cost reasons, but how do you manage to stick to a poodle-type? I guess I’m asking is there an in-between for purebreds and mystery mutts? Ideally that aren’t bred but I’ll take info on those as well.

        1. Natalie*

          There are people who breed intentional crosses (sometimes called “designer breeds”) like labradoodles and stuff. You can find them in fosters and shelters sometimes, less often than mystery mutts though IME.

        2. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

          There are breed-specific rescues in most metro areas — so you can still get a purebred (or close) through a rescue.

        3. Turtlewings*

          I think there are people who sell “pet quality” purebreds, as opposed to “show quality.” I think that’s where my mom’s chihuahua came from. I’m not sure they breed them as “pet quality” so much as, they charge less for ones that don’t have the top-of-the-line show quality traits — for instance, my mom’s chihuahua wouldn’t make it as a show dog because his tail is the wrong shape!

          1. all aboard the anon train*

            A good breeder, registered with the AKC, usually picks a few from a liter that will be show quality and sells the others as pets, emotional support animals, therapy animals, etc.

            I’m on the side of a good breeder not being the worst crime in the world, as long as people do their research to make sure they’re registered and legit and not a puppy mill or backyard breeder. I’ve also had nothing but awful experiences with rescues and shelters, and the dogs I like are rarely in rescues or shelters, even as mixes, so I’m biased.

          2. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

            Yep. The Airedale I grew up with was sold to us by a performance breeder as a pet-quality dog; he’d gotten a toe messed up as a baby in a way that made no impact on his day-to-day life but meant that in a heavy competition he’d be disadvantaged.

            I do feel obligated to point out that not all breeders are evil. The guy we went to showed for performance rather than confirmation, so his dogs being healthy and functional was a high priority. He gave us the results of genetic testing and medical records back several generations demonstrating a lack of common big-dog health issues, showed us the kind of early training he did with his pups, and so on.

            Tragically, my ex-father and his wife went on to thoroughly wreck the poor dog. But at least it wasn’t his origin that messed him up!

      2. Forking Great Username*

        I think the hard thing with shelter dogs is that there aren’t clear patterns and everything is anecdotal! I, for example, have had literally the opposite experience with this – our labs are super smart and our relatives that have poodles…ugh, so dumb.

      3. only acting normal*

        Labs aren’t particularly dumb – they’re often trained as guide dogs for example because of even temperament. But, yes, they do stay puppish for at least 2yrs and boy do they moult!

    6. Lady Kelvin*

      I can’t speak to the usefulness of an emotional support dog but I do want to say that there is basically no way of knowing what kind of dog yours is if you get a mutt from the shelter. Shelter staff are just guessing and there’s no way of knowing unless you’ve meet one or both of their parents we got our dog from a shelter and they told us it was a border collie mix. we keep saying that because it allows us to rent apartments without problems. but in reality there is probably no border collie in her everyone we meet has a different gas as to what it is and any of them can be correct. I suppose you can also do a DNA test but those are about a hundred bucks and aren’t necessarily accurate. Plus you can’t do them until after you get the dog so it’s not like it matters by then.

    7. MissCPA*

      If you are already not an animal person, I would second the comment about nonshedding dogs. I have a black lab and my house is just never clean of dog hair. Medium size to larger size dogs are easier to train than small dogs (my yorkie is a pain in the butt- very stubborn), so I think that is a great size range for what you want in a dog and maybe 1+ years old because they are a great age to train and will pick things up quickly. It seems like you’ve done your research! I would also suggest puppy or dog classes at a humane society, as I did them with my yorkie and we got good socialization for her and I got some structure on training progression. Good luck to you!

      1. fposte*

        Yeah, it’s unfortunate, since lab crosses are really shelter common and they’ve got a good temperament for this kind of thing, but the shedding is a definitely a thing.

      2. Mela*

        Oh that’s good to know! I feel like I’ve done no research, this is all information absorbed by being surrounded by people who are obsessed with animals. ;-)

        We’d chosen the size just based off of our preferences, but I’m glad that’s actually the smarter choice. We were thinking just around the size where you could pick them up if you really needed to, but it wouldn’t be comfortable. If that approximation makes sense?

        The 1+ year old is great advice, I’d have assumed if they weren’t trained by then it would be almost too late. There will definitely be lots of puppy classes. I can’t stand untrained animals, and especially if we’re going to be using it as an emotional support animal, it has to be well-behaved for sure.

        1. Natalie*

          Oh no, that whole thing about “can’t teach an old dog new tricks” is totally bogus. There are some early socialization issues that can be hard to change later, but obedience training and things like that can be done through a dog’s whole life.

          1. MechanicalPencil*

            My two rescues were adopted at 5+ (at separate times). I had to teach one how to eat from a food bowl and basic manners (sweet as can be though). The other just needed to know my boundaries and needed to understand my temperament. Socialization is also important regardless of age. I did learn that their personalities did fully reveal themselves until about 3 months after they came home with me. The shelter experience definitely suppresses part of them.

        2. MissCPA*

          I used to volunteer with a nonprofit that trained service dogs, and while that is very different from an ESA the dogs all received the same basic training to begin with. We used a lot of dogs that were rescues so it won’t be impossible to find a good one but I would second the suggestion to find a shelter who fosters dogs so you can get a better idea of what you’re getting yourself into! I also love the idea of a shelter with a “return policy” so to speak (sorry this is the best way my brain is phrasing it), which I think says a lot about the shelter itself and that they really care about the dogs they are placing.

          1. fposte*

            Which reminds me that another possibility, if you’re prepared to go on a long waiting list, might to sign up for washouts from a service dog program. The dogs will be pre-temperament tested and have some training and socialization (how much will depend on the org and the dog, presumably).

              1. Not So NewReader*

                Yep. Here the wait is two years. They start out as service dogs. If they fail that then they are moved to drug/explosive sniffers and if they tank too on that then the people on waiting list get a chance.

                The people should be able to tell you something about the dog’s personality by the time you meet the dog.
                I am guessing but with a two year wait list they would probably let you bring the dog back if it did not work out. They probably have enough other people to contact.

        3. LAI*

          Oh yes, I would definitely recommend 1+ year old. Younger than that and they are still in the puppy stage where they are going to be a LOT of work. To be honest, my dog didn’t grow out of the “chew everything” stage until he was probably 5-6.

    8. Natalie*

      I’m a little perplexed because an Emotional Support Animal is basically a pet that supports by their presence, but you are talking about a working dog which would be more like a Service Animal that performs some kind of task. They’re not the same thing, so I guess I would start with making sure you and your husband are on the same page about what’s the dog will do, what your house rules are going to be, and precisely what it means when you say you won’t take care of it (i.e. are you willing to do basic stuff if your husband isn’t available, or not? what’s your plan if he is sick or out of town? etc)

      Probably budget for a fair bit of grooming since you are concerned about the smell.

      Foster based rescues can often give you a lot of information about the dog’s temperament, personality, training, etc.

      1. fposte*

        Yes, I noticed that ambiguity. I wondered if Mela was thinking about service dogs as trained and pets as untrained and was thinking of what they’d want is a trained dog.

        And while absolutely you can have a very well-trained dog that’s not a service dog, it usually means the people in the household are focused on making that happen and keeping it that way, and that for a long time you have a dog that’s learning but isn’t trained yet. So think about what living with that untrained dog will be like in the meantime and what concrete steps will be taken by your partner and by you for training and maintaining.

        1. Natalie*

          That’s a good point about the household having to be focused on it. Mela, you might want to attend at least some of the training classes yourself, because realistically you will probably need to participate in its training on some level. Training is a really active process that is essentially always happening, and I’m not sure how it would work if your non-involvement means you wouldn’t want to reinforce good behavior or redirect bad behavior.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Yes, the dog needs consistency and people need to see all the different ways there are to be consistent. As they age, the rules can be looser because there are a lot less behaviors going on, they have learned to control their muscles and they have learned to control how they react to stuff.

        2. Dead Quote Olympics*

          Yes, you both have to agree to the same rules and be super consistent. My husband managed to untrain a rescue obedience champion (Springer Spaniel). Just minor ways — when we got him he never got on the furniture and you could leave a plate of food on the floor and come back 15 minutes later and it would be untouched. Five years later he was a confirmed table begger and was always slinking off the sofa as we came in the door. It was okay with us, although we used to moan about it — we thought he was less neurotic and more happily doggy. Dogs don’t understand “just this once you can snuggle on the sofa with me and I’ll feed you steak from my plate”— one of you does it once and that’s the new law of the land.

          1. Natalie*

            Ugh yes, it can be so fast too. My husband accidentally trained our dog to nip at feet when he wants to play, because he responded *once* to feet nipping by initiating play. It took literal months to untrain that behavior.

      2. Mela*

        Oh no, not at all what I meant. It would definitely be an ESA, there’s nothing a Service Animal can do for someone with ADHD. ESAs for ADHD function mostly as just needing to be taken care of, and that care is what helps the person with structure, getting exercise, and general comfort for the intense emotions. I’m using ESA because it fits that legal definition and it’s also the only reason I’m agreeing to it. If it were just a pet, this would be something that would be a maybe in 15+ years, not a probably in 5 years.

        We’ll definitely hash out the details when the time comes, but generally he will do all the caring for the dog (because that’s the point) and I’ll only do things like feedings, walks, and grooming if he was incapacitated in some way. I’ll definitely be fully participated in training because I want the dog to listen to me. The training is a big part of why the timing for this has to be perfect, we both need to be in good spaces to dedicate the better part of a year on ensuring the training goes smoothly because that’s my top priority.

        How much grooming is a “fair bit?” Should I be estimating by frequency, or what kind of grooming the dog will require?

        1. MissCPA*

          a nonshedding dog needs to be brushed often (should be daily) and will need haircuts frequently depending on how long you keep the fur. If you don’t like to brush the dog, for example, you would keep the fur short and cut it more frequently (say about every 2 months). If you keep up on brushing, you can get away with fewer haircuts. It really depends on his level of commitment to brushing the fur because the fur gets matted and it hurts the pup if it’s not kept up. Grooming, which for my yorkie costs maybe $50 a haircut, includes bath, cut, nail grinding, and face, feet and butt trim. It is totally worth it for me to not have to deal with her stubbornness and for whatever reason she behaves wonderfully for the groomer.

          1. MechanicalPencil*

            I have two dogs who are nonshedders and I keep them both groomed fairly short. I can manage to only brush every other day (or weekly when life gets crazy), and that keeps any potential hairballs to a minimum. Honestly, I shed more hair than they do. Also, I hate dog smell. Baths are probably biweekly unless it’s just too cold for them to be damp (thick fur takes an eternity to fully dry)

        2. Natalie*

          Cool, it sounds like you guys have a good plan! I actually know a couple where the husband is very much a dog person and the wife is very much not, and it works out fine. As you note, she is involved in training to an extent, but it’s mainly the husband’s show.

          How much grooming you do will depend on the dog itself, but some possibilities:

          Nails: most dogs needs their nails trimmed or ground down regularly, once a month or two depending on how fast the dog’s nails grow and how long the quick is (that’s the finger part that’s inside the nail).
          Baths: From what I understand, most dogs can tolerate a bath as often as once a week if you really want to keep their smell and shedding to a minimum.
          Brushing: A long haired dog will need to be brushed pretty routinely, although I’ve never had one so I’m not sure exactly how often. A short haired dog doesn’t strictly need brushing, but it can help their skin health and reduce unwanted shedding.
          Other cleaning: Groomers will usually clean a dog’s ears as part of a bath. Some dogs need their anal glands expressed, and groomers will do that although you may have to ask specifically.

          In my mid-sized city, you can get a dogs nails trimmed for about $15, a bath for maybe $30, and a package that includes bath, nails, ears, anal glands etc for $50-60. You pay extra for things like specific shampoos, grinding nails instead of trimming (makes them less sharp), furminating packages, stuff like that. And you should tip. Brushing is something the owner would do themselves, of course.

    9. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      You’re going to want to get an adult dog from a rescue that has its animals in foster homes — that way, you’ll be able to know a lot about the dogs you’re considering before you choose one. You can ask the fosters about shedding, personality, what kind of training they have, how easy they have been to train, where the dog sleeps and where it stays while it’s home alone, any habits it has, etc.

      Puppies aren’t a good idea, because you don’t know what you’re going to get (in terms of size, personality, etc.).

      You’re going to want to invest in a lot of training, and both you and your husband should go to the classes and commit to the training.

    10. neverjaunty*

      I’m not sure it’s a great idea for you guys to get him an emotional support animal given the circumstances. Yes, that could be a good fit for him in the abstract, but 1) it’s not the only option for ADHD folks by a long shot and 2) it would make you pretty miserable. That’s not good for you, or, ultimately, good for him.

      1. Mela*

        Well, yes, our current circumstances mean it’s a terrible idea right now, and that’s why we’re going to wait until the circumstances change before moving forward.

        I’m not sure why you’re under the impression that I would be miserable, but that’s far from the case. If I thought I could be miserable, I wouldn’t even be entertaining the idea. And sure, there are lots of options for ADHD, but an ESA is a valid one and one that we believe would be of great help to him.

        1. WellRed*

          He loves dogs, you really really don’t like animals. Reframing it as a support animal, well, will that help you not be annoyed at all the dog things? Will that help him maintain somewhat of a balance between having a dog and having, to use a term I loathe, a furbaby?

          1. Mela*

            Yes…I love him and want him to thrive. That’s what marriage is.

            Plus, he doesn’t believe in furbabies, and dislikes that school of thought even more than I do. He and I have very similar opinions on how to treat pets, ie not feeding them human food, putting them down instead of subjecting them to long periods of pain, etc.

            Like I said, this is about me doing everything I can to make it easier to adjust to having a dog in my home when it would otherwise not happen.

        2. SC Anonibrarian*

          I’m not sure if there’s some sort of confusion or language issue or something. You keep talking about how it’s ok to have a dog if it’s a ‘service’ dog, but even actual perform-a-specific service dogs are still.., pets? They have personalities and affection for their owners and are ‘off the clock’ sometimes and just.., lying around the house or playing or socializing with the humans in relaxed ways. The legal line doesn’t mean anything if you don’t like having animals in the house and in your personal spaces; it’s GOING to be in your space and you can’t say: “bad dog, you’re an ESA and you can’t lie on the living room floor with a toy and hopeful eyes.” Likewise ‘training’ isn’t something that happens for a year and then you’re done – you have to continually reinforce commands and ‘tricks’ and be involved for the dog to recognize you and keep obeying you, even for something as simple as going for a walk.

          You say the animal will BE an ESA just by existing, but that again… sounds like a pet? If your husband has difficulties with structure and follow-through and with performing daily repeated (and frankly boring) responsibility like daily walks and scooping up poop and keeping up with grooming and vet appointments, then YOU have to do it. I don’t know that simply having an animal that he cares for emotionally will be enough to motivate him to do all that, and if he doesn’t then will you be able to do it regularly yourself for him? Or able to give the dog back to the shelter or re-home it without being the bad guy?

          Or perhaps you’re thinking that the dog would be either outside or crated when not ‘in use’? i would like to argue that is a poor life for any animal, but you asked us not to focus on that and I will say instead that in those circumstances it would be very unlikely for your husband to become attached enough for the dog to perform as a motivational ESA at all.

          Like I said, I think there are some terminology issues in play here, so you might already know all this and i’m preaching to the choir. But it does seem from your posts that you think there are some fundamental behavioral differences between an ESA and a pet, and there really are not in my experiences. I have seen exceptionally trained and obedient and boundary-aware pets, and I have seen out of control sloppy kisser jumping on guests ESA dogs. The terminology doesn’t decide what you have – the temperament of the animal and the amount of time and effort put in by the owners decides.

          1. fposte*

            I agree with what you’re saying, but I also think Mela is just dipping her toe in the water right now and that the nomenclature can be hard to negotiate. So maybe she’ll decide as she learns more that the dog thing isn’t going to work out for them, but I think that she’s just starting to ask the questions to figure that out.

            I will also, though, emphasize the point that an ESA is a pet, and that people usually get the actual paperwork for them as ESAs because they *legally* benefit from that category in housing or air travel, not because there’s anything different about the animal. If you’re not renting or taking the pup on a plane, an ESA is indistinguishable from a pet. If what you’re at bottom saying, Mela, is “I wouldn’t get a dog myself, but I’ve realized ways that a pet will be good for my husband and I would be okay with it as long as we choose judiciously and we can train it well,” I think that’s a viable plan to explore; if you’re saying something other than that involving a different expectation for an ESA, you might be drifting into some misplaced expectations.

            1. Mela*

              “I wouldn’t get a dog myself, but I’ve realized ways that a pet will be good for my husband and I would be okay with it as long as we choose judiciously and we can train it well,”

              This, exactly. Fposte always nails it, thank you!

              Maybe it is a nomenclature thing, but a dog being a dog will be “working” in my eyes. Laying on the floor with a toy? That’s what I would want the dog to do, and I’m not sure where you came up with the idea that I’d be some caricature of an evil stepmother? I’m not going to ignore it or stick it in a crate, both for moral reasons and also because that misses the point.

              I guess what I distinguish between a pet and an ESA is why they’re in your life. For me, an ESA is there to help whereas a pet is there to be taken care of. I know there’s a lot of overlap between those two, but at the root of it, that’s why we would have a dog, because it would help my husband, not to have a “furbaby” to take care of because it gives us warm fuzzies (which, to be clear, won’t be completely absent, I’m not some heartless monster, I will play with it and everything that goes with having a dog) .

              As you can leave a pet untrained if you want to, but that’s unacceptable for an ESA because it will have more rights than a pet. I know that’s not a legal standard, that’s just my personal standard because I don’t want people with service animals to face more difficulties because of this fake ESA nonsense.

              Also, I don’t think I should have to really say this, but we’ve had a pet cat before and we’ve split care in a similar way (him doing 90% of the work and me stepping up in a pinch). I know training isn’t over after a year, I was talking about having a year dedicated to going to training classes and putting in a greater amount of effort than the standard maintenance level. And again, not that I should have to disclose this, but I have a chronic illness and have to plan for things like this and yes, will have to significantly change my lifestyle for a year to be able to focus on this. When I said that, I didn’t imagine anyone would jump on me for that, but I guess that’s the internet for you.

              I think the real issue isn’t that I don’t understand dog/pet issues, it’s that no one else here commenting understands the depth and complexities of ADHD and how an ESA actually helps its owner. And frankly, you’re being ableist by implying that because my husband has ADHD, he’ll become “bored” and I’ll have to take over caring for it. I’ve said previously that he grew up with and loves dogs. There’s nothing to indicate this at all. You’re just taking his ADHD diagnosis and slapping a whole bunch of stereotypes on him, which is not cool.

              1. Natalie*

                I suppose ultimately this doesn’t really matter, but for what it’s worth you seem to have a kind of binary idea of dog owners, that they are either all untrained “furbaby” people or they have working dogs. That’s simply not the case – lots of dog owners train their dogs and don’t spoil them just because that’s good ownership, nothing to do with the dog being an ESA or working dog or anything. I mentioned the couple upthread I know where one is a dog person and the other isn’t, and they’re dog is incredibly well trained and very much not treated the same as the people members of the family, simply because that’s what they think is right.

                So really, it sounds like you’re just going to be a pet owner. It’s okay, no one will take away your card because you don’t buy your dog a holiday sweater or something. :)

                1. Mela*

                  I’ve never met a dog owner who didn’t feed their dog human food or let them have free reign of the house/furniture or something else that I don’t consider well-trained. I’m sure there are pet owners out there somewhere who have incredibly well-trained dogs, but I’ve never met them. The norm seems to be what most people are describing: they train them well early on and then let bad habits slip over time.

                  I did appreciate your example about the husband and wife, that’s exactly what I envision. I don’t mind being labeled a pet owner, I’m not going to run around disclosing the animal’s ESA status to everyone so that’s what it’ll look like to most people and I’m okay with that.

                2. Elizabeth H.*

                  I think that people who let their dogs on the furniture typically do this because they LIKE having the dog on the furniture with them, so I am not sure why you consider this poor training. My dog wasn’t supposed to get on the couch/bed and he didn’t. I don’t think it’s a bad habits thing so much as people just being happy with co-existing with their dogs in a way you wouldn’t personally prefer.

                3. Mela*

                  @ Elizabeth H. I’m not talking about pet owners who want their animals on furniture, I’m talking about the ones who trained them to stay off the furniture and got lazy about it down the line (very common from what a lot of commenters are warning me about).

                  I see this in the animals I have cared for and I specifically ask about any house rules I should ensure the animals follow, and very, very often I hear a form of “Well, they’re not really supposed to go on the couch or the beds, but it’s impossible to stop them, so don’t stress about it too much.”

                  Poor training, lazy training, whatever you want to call it, I wouldn’t call it “well-trained” either. The most charitable interpretation is that the owner’s standards adjusted.

              2. LilySparrow*

                I have ADHD, and I have to say, this post is creeping me out. There are a *lot* of folks with ADHD in the commentariat, and lots more with loads of experience living & working & being friends with & treating folks with ADHD. It is not some rare freakish mystery condition that nobody understands.

                I can’t tell you anything about ESA’s because it never occurred to me that making my life *more* complicated would be an improvement.

                I assure you, the structure and demands of caring for my children has not made me “better” as far as my ADHD symptoms go.

                On the contrary, my inability to keep up with the demands of being a mom drove me to get diagnosed and medicated for the first time in my life!

                If your husband loves dogs and this is the mental math you need to do in order to be willing to get one, great – go for it.

                I don’t know what your husband’s symptom cluster is like, or how it affects him & you on a day-to-day basis. But there is no magic dog that will make him be different than he is right now.

                He’ll be exactly like himself, except happier because he likes dogs and a dog-owning lifestyle. That’s a good thing.

                But there’s a big difference between “I think this lifestyle change will better suit my loved one’s temperament,” and “A dog will make my husband stop acting like he has ADHD in the ways that bother me.”

                It won’t.

                1. Mela*

                  Hello projection!

                  My husband’s ADHD doesn’t bother me, I love him and his ADHD brain, that’s why I fell in love with him. I knew he had ADHD years before he did, and never pushed him to get formally diagnosed until he felt comfortable.

                  On the other hand, it bothers him, a LOT. He has some very specific goals that I don’t feel comfortable sharing on a public forum, and a dog would indeed help him move towards those goals. Because a dog is years away, he’ll be doing other things in the meantime to work towards those goals. No one is claiming a dog will magically fix anything.

                  I’m sorry if you have people in your life who criticize how you care for your children, or want you to change who you are, that’s gotta be a terrible feeling.

                  I’ll also point out that you’re the first person to comment who has disclosed they have ADHD, so my comment about a lack of understanding isn’t so out there.

                  ADHD is one of the most widely misunderstood neurodevelopment disorders because most people think “Can’t focus, disorganized” and leave it at that. Most people I know with ADHD don’t even fully understand ADHD and when I tell them, “No, that’s not a ‘you’ thing, that’s an ADHD thing,” their minds are blown, every time. Most psychiatrists can’t even handle diagnosing it properly, and often misdiagnose it as bipolar or depression. Heck, emotional dysregulation isn’t included in the DSM when it’s a main symptom! So, no it’s not a mysterious rare thing, but that doesn’t mean people actually understand it.

        3. neverjaunty*

          I’m not sure why you’re under the impression that I would be miserable

          Er, from what you’ve said in your post? I’m not following the hostility here, but if what you’re looking for is externalizing negativity, I’ll bow out.

    11. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      I like animals, but don’t like dogs. Kinda with you on the dog thing. I’ve found that dogs that are regularly walked, regularly bathed, regularly brushed, and have had obedience/good manners training with consistent reinforcement are the ones I like the best.

      The key is setting up the dog for success. You don’t want them to smell? You need to help them stay clean. That will be brushing/baths, and I don’t have a clue on the frequency. Limit shedding? Even the most shed-ey animal will shed less if they’re brushed at an appropriate frequency (cause brushing will help remove loose hairs in a controlled fashion). Behaviors? Train the dog, and make sure the humans are trained too. If you’re inadvertently encouraging/rewarding bad behavior, that’s what you’ll get. They need appropriate exercise and play time too. What that looks like will depend on the dog.

      And your husband should take the heavy lifting of dog care.

    12. Triple Anon*

      If you can somehow spend a weekend with a dog, I would start by doing that. Working animals aren’t “on the clock” 24/7. Just like people, they have time off, even if it’s only while the human they help is sleeping. Even if you get a professionally trained service dog, it will relax and act like any other dog sometimes.

      Dogs are generally very affectionate and also very annoying at times. A dog will probably melt your heart and make you like animals more at times, but at other times, it will drive you crazy. Almost all of them have some annoying personality traits and can drive you crazy. So if you can dog sit or do a short foster for a rescue or just borrow someone’s dog, start there to get an idea of what it’s really like. Do you know anyone who has a really nice dog and also has other things they need to focus on? Like a parent of young children or someone with demanding hobbies or something? If so, tell them you’re considering getting a dog and ask if you can borrow their dog for a day or two to find out what it’s like. They might really appreciate it (I know I would, as long as the people were responsible).

      Dogs are creatures of habit. They have a lot of energy and they like to have a routine. They want to do the same things at the same time every day. They need a lot of attention and a lot of exercise, especially when they’re young. How well behaved your dog is has a lot to do with how much exercise it’s getting and how much you talk to it and include it in activities. Are you ready to get up at the same time every day and do some kind of activity with an animal, probably outdoors? And to always come home in time to feed the dog and take it out again? I think things like hair and barking are somewhat easy to adjust to, but the schedule thing requires the biggest lifestyle change. You can’t sleep in or stay out late unless you’ve planned for it. And it’s a 10 – 15 year commitment. So proceed with caution.

      1. Mela*

        I’ve care for multiple dogs for varying lengths of time, up to 10 days. I know what they’re like and agree with everything you’re saying. Your last paragraph is exactly why dogs are recommended ESA for ADHD, and no I’m not ready to change my life for a dog, that’s the point. My husband is more than ready, and it will be his responsibility.

        And before I get more pile-ons, my life and my husband’s life is not so intertwined that this isn’t realistic.

        1. Triple Anon*

          I hope that didn’t sound critical. I just meant to share my perspective as a dog person. I can see how one could help with ADHD. They add a lot of structure to your life and encourage you to get exercise.

          1. Mela*

            Sure, it’ll change in some ways. But not in the ways Triple Anon is describing. I won’t be going for walks in the freezing cold, or adjusting my social plans around the dog’s feeding schedule, etc.

            I’m also not sure why people keep mentioning my husband’s future illnesses. I’ve been with him for 8 years and I think he’s had a cold maybe twice? He’s never taken a sick day in his entire working life (and he’s in his mid-30’s and been working since he was 15). So 1/ this won’t be a very common thing and 2/ of COURSE if he’s actually too sick to walk the dog etc., I’ll step in. But really, that will probably be less than once every few years. And yes, he might get sick more often as he gets older, but that’s life?

            And no, Triple Anon, your post wasn’t too critical. I just feel like every time I mention something won’t be an issue, three people jump to try to prove that I’m wrong somehow. I know a lot of people can’t imagine married people not having intertwined lives, so I wanted to head that one off asap.

            1. Natalie*

              When someone opens with “I really, really dislike animals” and “I’m not concerned with me having to take care of it because the whole point is that he does it to create stability and structure” it’s pretty reasonable to assume that they are expecting to do zero dog care. Thus, the fact that someone has to take care of Dog when husband is unavailable (for any reason) seems like something worth mentioning as something you maybe haven’t thought of. It’s not really on to explicitly ask people for advice and then get snippy because you think some of the advice is irrelevant. Just ignore whatever doesn’t apply to you.

              1. Mela*

                I mean, I explicitly asked for advice about breeds, and what can be done to mitigate things like smell, shedding, and chewing. Lots of people’s advice was related to that, which was great. But some people responded with unrelated advice because they don’t believe someone who dislikes dogs can be responsible enough to ensure it’s taken care of. Fine, if you really believe there are people out there who will say “Oh no, the dog has to go hungry today because my husband is in the hospital and it’s not my job to feed it” then cool, continue the crusade against them. (not that you’re on that particular crusade, but I do believe other commenters are)

                But aside from that, it seems so odd to keep mentioning “what if he’s incapacitated, will you fill in?” What do you say to single people who want pets and have no spouse to auto-fill in for them? Why, as his spouse/roommate, am I automatically assumed to have to fill in? (Note: this is theoretical, because I don’t have an issue with stepping in when needed. More of a general commentary on unhealthy assumptions about how responsibilities within a marriage work.)

                If he lived alone, wouldn’t he have to work out arrangements with family, friends, neighbors? He’d probably have to do a lot of things that he wouldn’t have to do if I weren’t in the picture. What’s so wildly unbelievable or irresponsible about him doing those things instead of relying on me?

                I get the whole all three of us would be living in the same house and the dog would know if I didn’t like it. But I’ve said I’d fully engage in training, play with it, feed it and take care of it when needed. I’m not sure what else could *possibly* be necessary to be a responsible dog owner?

              2. Ask a Manager* Post author

                I don’t think people are suggesting you won’t feed the dog if necessary. They’re suggesting that a dog will pick up on you not wanting a lot to do with it, and that dogs are extremely social pack animals and that this will be cruel.

                Because this is a question that involves the dog’s well-being in addition to your/your husband’s, people are pointing out things that will impact the dog’s well-being too, not just sticking strictly to the questions you asked. I think that’s a good thing.

                1. Mela*

                  Except only one person mentioned the social/pack aspect (Gaia) while plenty of others condescendingly pointed out that I might not realize I’d have to walk/feed it and even accusing me of wanting to crate/keep it outside when not ‘in use.’ Those are two completely different things in my opinion.

                  And again, I’ve said I’d play with it, train it, etc. That means I’d be interacting with it multiple times a day, from pats on the head to training to full on playing. I really don’t see how that amounts to “cruelty” because I “don’t want a lot to do with it,” but I guess that’s just a difference of opinion and we’ll have to agree to disagree.

                  Again, I want to push back on this wifely expectation vibe I keep getting here. I don’t see how this is different from a single person with a living situation where one of the other roommates don’t particularly like or interact with the dog. Would that get labeled as cruel?

    13. HB*

      If you don’t like animals please don’t get one!! It’s extremely unfair to that animal. I’m sure there are numerous other things your husband can do to help with his ADHD. An emotional support animal offers just that – emotional support. If your emotions are that you can’t stand that thing in your house it’s going to be a big problem for everyone and then that dog will most likely end up looking for another home or end up in the shelter.

    14. Not So NewReader*

      I want to say thank you for what you are willing to do here. My husband was not a pet person, either. While he had no serious objections he just did not see it.
      I wanted a dog so bad and he had no clue what that was like. But as you are doing here, he went along with the idea. I worked my butt off helping him to enjoy the dog. I took lead on the “dog project” and trained it, bought toys, picked out food, and everything else. I found that I spent a lot of time explaining things to my husband. I did not mind as he was willing to keep this little beast. But my point here is that your hubby will need to explain dog behaviors and also show you how to draw the line with some behaviors. Early intervention is the goal, don’t wait for a behavior to accelerate before you intervene. And some behaviors you only need to see once and you KNOW that you have to tell the dog NO.

      I remember one night the dog snapped at my husband. I instantly scolded the dog and removed the dog from the room we were in. My husband told me I was harsh. I explained that snapping at us was never acceptable. And the dog made that gesture in response to a reasonable command my husband gave the dog, which made the snapping even MORE unacceptable. I had to bridge things like this to help BOTH of them. My husband needed my back-up and my dog needed me to be lovingly strong and to teach him how best to cohabitate with my husband as well as myself.

      I hope you can let your husband know that you will be relying on him to help, on almost a daily basis, to bridge the new relationship in your lives. I saw how foreign/ strange it all seemed to my husband, there is no doubt in my mind that it was an effort for him. I instantly recognized your love for your hubby in your gesture here when I started reading your post. That is a very cool thing.

      1. Mela*

        Thank you for such a thoughtful response! I definitely plan on being super engaged with training because I’ve seen how badly it goes when a dog is half trained or only trained with one owner and not the other. I’m a natural researcher/obsessor, so I think I’ll probably take on a substantive role when it comes to big picture decisions and things like care while we’re traveling, etc. It’s really only the daily care that I’m going to be sure is his thing. I’ll be sure to specifically bring up relying on him to bridge the relationship, what a great way to put it, since I’m sure I’ll get attached to it eventually. Thanks again!

    15. cats in my life*

      I am not an ADHD expert but I’ve heard many people talk about various things that help with it. So I’m curious why you would go so quickly it seems to one form of help that might be so hard for you? I am also curious why you are doing this research, and not him? I get wanting to help him but in my experience solutions work best when they are designed/of interest to the party that needs them. In your letter here, it seems you are more invested in this than your husband. Maybe by exploring other ways to help with the ADHD you might find a dog is totally unnecessary, especially since it’s something you dislike so much. There might be background I am missing here obviously.

      1. Mela*

        Thanks for qualifying your response, I really appreciate that amongst all the pile ons! Because yes, there is background you’re missing. When I say “recently diagnosed” I mean in the last year. And this is something that we’re considering in the next 5 years, so I don’t think we’re moving quickly at all. He’s already doing a bunch of other things that are making a big difference.

        Most people with ADHD are naturally drawn to appropriate coping mechanisms, which is why he’s wanted a dog his whole adult life. Before he met me, he didn’t feel solid enough to adjust his life for a dog. Now, he doesn’t have one because I don’t like them. If he were single, he’d probably already have a dog and wouldn’t care about anything I care about other than training.

        I really just read one thing about all the benefits and relayed it to him and he said, “Oh my gosh, that makes so much sense!” so I need to do research about dogs to see if I feel more comfortable with it, not him. He’s fine, he knows it’ll work and he knows how to care for dogs. Thanks again!

    16. Lady Russell's Turban*

      Consider shedder vs non-shedder but needs regular professional grooming; slobber vs non-sobberer; barker vs more quiet; smellier vs less-odiferous; windier vs less of a snorter and farter; laid-back vs busy all the time; trainability vs headstrong or less intelligent. You won’t get everything you want in one dog but you can prioritize and look for breeds with the traits. Mixed breeds can be great but pure-beds are, too. There are lots of pure bred rescue groups. And there are good,conscientology breeder. Not all pure bred dogs are from puppy mills.

    17. Anono-me*

      Good luck with all of your research. I think researching to determine what you would be taking on with a dog and then considering if you can be comfortable with a dog in your home is a good plan.
      (You do sound like this would be a very hard thing for you to do, so please remember; Your husband needs you to be happy in the home you share more than he ‘needs’ a dog.)

      You may want to look into breed rescues and see if you can find a young purebred; Preferably one that has been fostered in someone’s home. This is best scenario I can think of that will give you the best odds in getting the dog you are looking for.

      I would choose a dog with short hair instead of fur, but without a ‘beard’. Dogs with beards can be really messy.
      I have been looking at Wheaton Terriers myself. ( But that might be too small for you.)

      There are ‘Board and Train’ progams out there. Most of the ones that I have heard of are offered by kennels for hunting dogs, but not all. Some trainers will take a dog into their home for several weeks to 2 or 3 months and provide intensive training. Disclaimer: This type of training costs thousands of dollars. And, you and your husband will still need to attend some training classes so that you understand how you dog is trained and how to reinforce it.

      Good luck.

      1. SnarkyLibrarian*

        Have you considered adopting a retired racing greyhound? There are usually multiple adoption groups in every state and they are intensely passionate about their dogs. They’ll be able to tell you all about their personalities and quirks, and can match you to a dog that suits your needs. Plus they usually do fostering, so you wouldn’t have to commit right away. They are purebred, without the health issues and neuroses of other purebreds and in my opinion they are awesome!

        They have a highly regimented routine on the track, and they are so happy to just relax once they get a home. Some do require a lot of exercise but I’ve had 2 and all mine have ever wanted to do is sleep, so don’t think you’ll need to take them on constant long runs or anything. Plus you get all the hilarity of teaching them about things they’ve never dealt with before, like stairs and swimming pools. They’re sweet, gentle dogs. 10/10 would recommend! They shed more than you think though.

        1. Mela*

          That’s so cute with the stairs and swimming pools! I love greyhounds, but I don’t think it would work based on the shedding and sleeping all the time. We’ll be looking for a dog that requires a lot of exercise and walks.

          But it sounds like if they foster, we could ensure we get an energetic dog. If that were the case, what would you recommend for the shedding? I’ll admit I don’t love that, but the short hair may sway me.

    18. Courtney*

      Having read all your comments, you don’t want an ESA. You want a well-trained pet that you don’t have to be responsible for. You seem to have some super-weird ideas about other people’s pets, you want to be able to claim some sort of superiority because yours is a “working dog” (hint: that doesn’t mean what you claim it does – a pet lying on the floor is not “working” and you sound ridiculous when you claim it is).

      Look, if you’ve always been anti-pet/anti-dog and now you are willing to consider it because your husband wants one, fine. And if this is the mental gymnastics it takes for you to justify that to yourself – no one cares, I promise you. But you are getting pushback here because what you are saying just doesn’t make sense.

      Get a dog if that’s what you and your husband agree is best for you. But don’t faff around with this ESA nonsense – it’s going to be a pet. You aren’t somehow better than other dog owners.

      1. MissCPA*

        Oh, I really don’t agree with this. I think Mela is doing some really good research here and preparation for something that appears, based on comments, to be far in the future. An emotional support animal IS a pet, but one that provides structure, comfort, companionship, basically therapeutic benefits to their owner. I believe everything Mela has mentioned supports a dog which would be rightfully considered an ESA. If I had a diagnosed medical condition, my dogs could be considered ESAs, because they provide all of those things for me. But let’s put that aside here because I think Mela is really getting piled on and I truly disagree with it! I have two dogs myself, they are trained to not beg for food. I do let them on my furniture but that is my choice. They sleep in their own crates, and they are crated during the day while I am at work. But I can assure you, that doesn’t make me a bad pet parent. I loathe dogs who beg for human food, having to steal the comforter from my black lab, and dogs that chew apart your house while you are at work. I am no animal abuser because my dogs are trained, that is just how I have chosen to train them.

        1. Elizabeth H.*

          “An emotional support animal IS a pet, but one that provides structure, comfort, companionship, basically therapeutic benefits to their owner” – that IS what pets do!! There is not some magic thing where you light a candle, walk around the dog three times saying “You are now an ESA!” and it magically becomes not a pet and makes you able to preserve your superior image of yourself as a non pet owner. You’re (general you) just getting a pet that you think will be especially nice to have for some specific reasons. It is some pretty advanced magical thinking to draw such a distinction and doesn’t reflect anything in the material world.

      2. Mela*

        No one is arguing that ESAs are magically more able to support an owner based on a legal classification.

        The legal classification of “ESA” vs “pet” does 2 things: it makes it clear that the therapeutic benefits of the animal is the primary reason you have the animal. Note: I’m not sure if that’s a necessary declaration for the paperwork, like I said, I don’t live in a country that recognizes ESAs so I haven’t done too much research into the details, but that’s the reasoning in my head that has me moving forward on this idea. (Yes, it’s mental gymnastics, a lot of people seem to be lobbing that as an insult? I need that mental gymnastics to get there, not sure why everyone is getting so upset about it. I really don’t care if you care, I promise you ;-) I also don’t think that these mental gymnastics lead to me being somehow superior to other dog owners or distancing myself from identifying as a pet owner, but if that’s how you want to read into it, fine)

        The second thing an ESA certification does is allow the animal and its owner rights that are not accessible to pet owners. It’s the distinction between “My pet dog snuggles me when I’m having a bad day” and “I rely on this dog to comfort me when I’m having a panic attack due to my diagnosed anxiety.”

        To be honest, it sounds more than a little ableist by implying that people with mental health disorders don’t have any extraneous need for an ESA and that this legal distinction isn’t important because the two scenarios above are the same in your eyes.

        Thanks MissCPA for your comments! I’ll have to look more into the debate on crating to get a more nuanced view than “It’s evil, never do it!” which is the impression I got from animal lovers.

        1. Elizabeth H.*

          Lots of dogs like crates and it makes them feel secure. It’s definitely not an “it’s evil, never do it!” thing. So yes, definitely look into it.

          I think you are getting so much push back on the “mental gymnastics” thing because in the comments here you sound like you have a very superior attitude to pet owners who have a conventionally affectionate relationship with their pets – you are calling them “furbaby” people, implying they are too lazy to train their dogs well, that they have poorly behaved animals, they like having their houses dirty and fur everywhere, and so forth, and you’ve made it incredibly explicit that it’s important to you to NOT identify as a pet owner but rather as someone who only wants a dog if it has a legitimate legal purpose. In other words, if you didn’t make it so clear that you have a lot of disdain for pet owners’ behavior toward their dogs, you wouldn’t get so many comments questioning you. The impression I get is that you really look down on people who want their animals to sleep on the bed, who interact with them a lot, talk about them, take pictures of them and so forth. As somebody who does all of this with our cat, and feels really good about it, I feel pretty disparaged and it makes me want to react and argue that just because it’s not for you personally, doesn’t mean you have to make disparaging comments. I think there’s one thing that’s “I am not a fan of animals personally, but I decided that we can get a dog because [x y z], but because the things I’m concerned about are how to train the dog so that it stays off the furniture and how to minimize fur and shedding, what are the best types of dogs to get?” and another thing that’s “I am not a fan of animals personally, and I want to have a well trained dog, because everyone I know who owns dogs don’t train them well and are insipid ‘furbaby’ people, and I definitely don’t want to identify as a pet owner, ever.” I think that critical comments are going to make almost everyone want to double down on their position and that that doesn’t help, but that I think that pet enthusiasts probably felt personally disparaged by some of the comments you made.

  30. Namast'ay in Bed*

    A few weeks ago Allison recommended reading The Power – I just finished it the other day and loved it! I devoured it all in one sitting (thanks long flight), so thanks for the recommendation! I highly recommend it to others as well.

    1. Ali M.*

      I just finished it this afternoon! Really excellent. I’ve been thinking about it since I finished it!

  31. Nills*

    Are cat personalities based on color patterns a real thing? Like toritude etc.? Have you found this to be true with your cats in real life?

    1. Your Weird Uncle*

      I love buff colored cats. I’ve had two and they tend to be really friendly and gregarious, and both had a really weird thing about water coming out of the tap. :) Verny, my buff kitten, will run from anywhere in the house if he hears the tap running. (Maybe that’s a cat thing in general but my other two cats – both tabbies – were not interested in the slightest.)

    2. Hildegard Vonbingen*

      Nope, not at all. I have two black cats right now. Their personalities are the exact opposite. I have had two red cats. Totally different personalities. This is anecdotal, but I’ve come to the conclusion that a cat’s personality is about as much related to their hair color as a human’s is. That is: not at all. What I have found to always be true is that the more intelligent a cat is, the more playful they are, and the more social. At least that’s been my experience.

    3. NoMoreMrFixit*

      Yes I’ve found certain colour patterns go with personality traits. Mind you this is based on personal experiences with family felines over the years. Tortoise shells were insane. Totally nuts. Grey/Russian Blues were unmatched predators. Orange/Gingers were dumb as a stump but loving. Tuxedos were dumb but very active and playful. And the limited exposure I have with Siamese convinced me they’re sociopaths, even by cat standards.

      Out of all the cats I grew up with my two favourites were both grey. Still miss them years later. Unfortunately the rest of my family are dog people so right now I am living in a cat free home. :-(

      1. fposte*

        Oh, that’s funny. I’ve known three Russian Blues and they’ve all been total fails as predators. (You might have something there with the Siamese, though. At least they sound like they’re sociopaths.)

      2. All Hail Queen Sally*

        Anytime anyone mentions Siamese cats I am reminded of the song from the Disney movie Aristocats: “We are Siamese if you please. We are Siamese if you don’t please.”

      3. DoctorateStrange*

        I’ve had siamese cats growing up. I always found them sweet but big chatterboxes compared to other cats.

    4. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I am curious about this for Eve — she’s a cream tortoiseshell (also called a dilute tortoisehell) and they’re rare enough that there’s not a lot of info online about them. She definitely doesn’t have a tortie personality, but I did talk to someone else who has a cream tortie who said that hers was (a) super soft and (b) very vocal — both of which are true for Eve too. So now I’m wondering if there are other characteristics associated with cream torties as well. I’ve never really had a cat like her before — she’s bursting with happiness all the time, and I’m wondering if it’s just her, or if it’s genetics.

      1. Ree*

        I found and brought a dilute tortie to my mom about 7 years ago(husband is allergic to cats :(( )
        Her name is Miranda and she is WONDERFUL. Super smart, affectionate, unlike any other cat my family has had. she’s also the first dilute tortie cat they’ve had.
        She is vocal, not in like a yelling way, but if you talk directly to her, she responds.
        She also learned a few tricks when she was a kitten, like jumping in your arms and rolling over.
        Oh she’s also a very accomplished huntress. She can catch birds, rodents and lizards.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        Torties can indeed be vocal — Pig was. Very talkity and definite attitude, LOL. But our tortie with whom I grew up was very quiet most of the time. I do think it has a lot to do with personality.

    5. Veronica*

      I’ve got a thing for torties. I’ve had three, and know a fourth. All of them have had their own quirks, but basically they’ve all been sweet, loving cats. None have been crazy or difficult. I am not at all a believer in “tortitude.”

      1. Clever Name*

        Does “tortitude” apply to calico cats (meaning tortishell coloring with white patches, as I understand that Calico is an American term)? I have a calico, and she’s got an unusual personality. A friend of mine describes her as mystical. She likes to sit and observe, but when people come over, she always approaches them. She crawls into bed with me and wriggles in between my arms so I’m cuddling her like a teddy bear. And I’m getting the sense that even though my male is probably twice her size, she’s somehow dominant. When she makes mischief, she’ll actually stop when I say her name sharply. (My other cat, oh my god, he constantly tries my patience) I don’t think I’ve heard her full on meow, just small squeaks and trills.

    6. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      There are tendencies, but it’s not a hard and fast rule. That said, every tortie I’ve ever met has had toritude in some variation.

      And yes, Simaese like to talk. Loudly. One of mine has some Simaese and she announces her presence to the vet. From the parking lot. Luckily, she’s not normally that loud.

    7. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I have a red patches tabby (torbie) who is incredibly sweet and wants nothing more than to be held like a baby 24/7. No tortie attitude at all.

    8. Espeon*

      My Calico girl definitely has ‘tortitude’! She’s weird and sassy and I’d not have her any other way :)

    9. Lily Evans*

      My old roommate’s tortie definitely had the stereotypical tortitude! I miss that cat much more than I miss the roommate!

    10. Clever Name*

      Well, my last cat was a tabby and she was a crabby bitch. I eventually stopped petting her because she would swipe at me even though I was the one who fed her and cleaned her pan. One of my current kitties is also a tabby and he is super sweet and affectionate. My son carries him around and shoves him under the covers at bedtime and kitty just purrs away.

    11. Betsy*

      My mum’s tortie definitely has tortitude. And most of the ginger cats I’ve known have had very dominant personalities.

  32. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    My little foster kitten went to his fur-ever home this week! It’s always bittersweet when that happens. Now I just have my cats (2 adults, 2 kittens).

    Funny story though: while I was taking a bath Thursday night, I heard banging and crashing from the kitchen. Not wanting to be the Creature from the Black Lagoon and get water on the floor, I stayed in the tub and would deal with cat chaos later. More crashing and meowing, and then I saw a strange sight through the ajar door…

    An upside down trash can (which I had just emptied thank God) was making its way toward me, meowing and bumping into walls! Of course I freed the kitten, but I nearly drowned, I was laughing so hard!

    3. Your Weird Uncle*

      Awww how sweet!

      And good for you for being a kitty foster parent. We’ve considered doing this before, but have 2 cats already and aren’t sure how it would work introducing a foster cat to our house cats. How does that work for your situation?

      1. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

        We have a spare room that we keep fosters in to keep them separate, and bring our cats in one at a time to meet the foster after allowing them to smell and hear each other under the door. If we foster a kitten, we get a pet play pen from the shelter- like a pack and play for toddlers, but with a mesh top, too. That way we can watch kitten and it has room for its food/box/bed, but isn’t worried about being attacked by the others.

        1. Your Weird Uncle*

          How long does it take (typically) for you to go from completely isolated to all cats more or less in the same room?

          I’d still really love to do it, and we have a wonderful foster program in our town that I’d love to help out, but I’m afraid it wouldn’t go well. I also have a really shy kitten who is getting braver the longer she’s been with us, but I’m afraid of stressing her out.

            1. Your Weird Uncle*

              How long do you typically have your foster kittens for? Have you ever had situations that just didn’t work out because cats? (Sorry for all the questions, I am just so curious!)

              It must be so hard to let the little ones go to their furever homes, but so rewarding!

              1. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

                Only one litter of kittens so far, and they were there for 3.5 months plus time in mom for a few weeks (took in the pregnant cat). The rescue neutered them at around 3 months depending on their weight and then they could be adopted. Kittens go fast!

                Adult cats depend. We had one for six weeks, another for eight, and another for six months (he was nearly feral and needed cat rehab).

                1. Your Weird Uncle*

                  Thanks for answering all of my questions! I think I’m going to try talking my husband into it….we were thinking about it earlier, then adopted two cats, so I know he’s hesitant to add too many more. (I’m certain he fears they would all become permanent residents which he’s probably right about, if I had my way.)

                  I hope you post more about your adventures in fostering cats! I want to hear all of your stories. :)

  33. MissingArizona*

    Well we made it to our new base, and housing gave us the worst house on base, seriously awful. Maintenance had to come out twice in a day for different issues before our furniture even got here. Two days later there was an epic ice storm, so everything shuts down, and then my husband goes to plug in the dryer and gets electrocuted because the outlet wasn’t sufficiently grounded. He’s ok, but I had to call the housing corporate office and went on a screaming tangent at the representative. Well, yesterday I went to the housing office when they opened and met with the housing manager, maintenance manager, and airforce representative, they came and walked through our house, by 1pm I had three maintenance people working on my house. I’m still displeased that we got an old home, but not everyone gets a newer house on base. I just cannot believe how big of a fit I had to throw to get our house cleaned up. The new battle will be the backyard fence that we have to rent from an outside company, but there’s a lot of electrical boxes behind our home, so there’s actually a chance that they’ll have to move us to a different home anyway. I’ve never had so many issues with base housing.

    2. Rahera*

      Crikey! I’m sorry about the shoddy house and the lengths you had to go to get repairs, and I’m really glad your husband’s ok.

  34. Tea and Sympathy*

    Ah man, having just started a new, challenging (extremely) and utterly exhausting job, I promised myself weekends would be work-free to ensure I don’t burn myself out this year. Only now I’m sitting here thinking what to do, because it feels like household chores, a walk, some shopping… would be a waste of my weekend! Overthinking it all, putting crazy pressure on myself, and as I live alone and my friends all have family commitments over the weekend, I’m sitting here thinking “OMG DO I NEED A NEW HOBBY?” – as if now is even REMOTELY the right time to try and learn new things, hahahaha.

    Maybe I’ll go to the gym… then attack the laundry pile. Super-amazing fulfilling weekends o’ wondrousness can wait til next week. (Aargh. What will I do next weekend?!) ;-)

    1. PX*

      I dont have that problem (I can nap and lounge till the cows come home!) but perhaps something easy would be a good way to feel like you’re achieving something while still being relaxing? The first thing that came to mind is find a TV show to binge (if you’re a binger like me – you’re still doing something…its just very lazy :D) or maybe I dont know…knitting? (Sorry for the stereotypical option but I was trying to think of a gentle hobby and it was the first one that came to mind)

      Or perhaps just do fun simple things like explore your city more (museums? walks? meetups?) which can be easy to do more or less of depending on your mood?

      Either way, please stay focused on ‘you’ weekends! I’m in a similar position where my work is crazy busy at the moment, and I’ve been tempted to bring work home a few times on the weekends, but I find leaving my laptop in the office a very effective tactic, and ultimately I’m better off for taking the weekend to refresh.

    2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Can absolutely relate – I have a project coming to a head right now and of COURSE now is the right time to worry about financial planning/a career change/what to cook for Easter dinner. I figure if I plan everything else then surely that means this project is under control too, right? :) I also have a lot of trouble switching between Me Time and Work Time, to the point where I have to look at something work related Sunday night to get my mind set for Monday, otherwise I will waste the whole day disengaged.

      Is there one thing you can pick to do only on a weekend that you commit to, regardless of anything else? I go to a sports club thing only on Saturdays or to the gym and view it as Me Time and not Just Another Thing To Do. Because I have that time blocked off then I make sure to work in chores and laundry during the week. Seriously, this is sad, but I have found Friday night to be a great time to roll home from work and spend an hour tossing in laundry, cleaning the bathroom, wiping up the kitchen. Just an hour, no more, but with focus you can get a lot done.

      1. Traveling Teacher*

        When I was in university, Friday nights were my cleaning/doing chores nights too! It was such a treat to use my hands instead of my mind for once, and it’s so nice to wake up on Saturday morning to a perfectly clean flat and make a nice cooked breakfast.

        Clearly, I lead a very exciting life ;)

    3. RestlessRenegade*

      I completely understand that feeling. My job isn’t bad, but I really relish my weekends. Yet half the time I don’t know what I want to do or don’t have energy/resources to do what I want, and even if I get a lot of stuff done, I frequently feel like I “wasted” the weekend. And yet I don’t want to be constantly busy every weekend! Ugh, first world problems.

    4. Betsy*

      Absolutely relate as well! I get a full weekend every second weekend and I’m so excited to get one, but I just spend it lazing about. Today I had a medical appointment, went to a cafe and did some shopping, and that felt fulfilling enough. Yesterday I just did nothing at all, though.

      I guess it depends how much you enjoy lazing on weekends? Perhaps if you actually quite like it there’s no need to feel guilty? I know a lot of busy professionals who just watch Netflix or do a few chores or have brunch. Sometimes when I try to schedule a class or learn a new hobby, it just becomes another chore. At the moment, I’m trying to save anything like that for weeknights, so I can just laze about on weekends.

  35. Rescue ALL the dogs!*

    So a couple of weeks ago my fiancé and I decided to elope, and we’ve been moving full steam ahead with it and now have firm plans for the end of March. I’m both excited and nervous. Im also discovering that I’m not really enjoying the planning process. When I was younger (mid-teen) years, I was 100% obsessed with the idea of the perfect wedding and now that I’m here planning it I really could care less about most of the details and I’m starting to worry that maybe that’s a bad thing. I have a good friend who went through the same thing and it turns out that she was having misgivings about the marriage (which ended up not working out) which is why she was so unenthused about planning. So I’ve got that firmly in my mind and I’m wondering if me not caring about the type of cake is actually my brain telling me something is up. Anyone experience this? Or is it okay to not care about things like cake and stuff? I thought that I was supposed to but maybe it’s not that big of a deal?

    1. Your Weird Uncle*

      Oh I went through that too! I was so obsessed with weddings when I was younger that I wanted to be a wedding planner and had my own future wedding planned out in minute detail. Then when I got engaged (many many years later), all those plans seemed kind of silly and, like you, I just didn’t care that much. But don’t worry, we are happily married! I think that my priorities just shifted at some point and there were things that were way more important than, say, how long the train on my dress would be or whether we served shrimp dip at the reception. It’s probably the same for you! (And also, frankly, planning a wedding is beyond exhausting and it’s pretty great to be able to shrug off that stress.)

      Congratulations on the engagement!

    2. Nicole76*

      I eloped because I didn’t care about those things either. I was also extremely nervous/scared about getting married even though I love my husband very much and wanted to marry him. It’s just a very big step/commitment; I think it’s normal to feel hesitant even in the best of circumstances. Try picturing how you’d feel without your SO in your life. If that makes you sad then you know your apathy toward wedding specifics has nothing to do with your love for your partner.

    3. periwinkle*

      It’s not a red flag! When we got engaged, I spent some time researching venues and destination weddings and dresses… and then decided it wasn’t worth the effort because neither of us cared about all that. We got married at the courthouse, slightly more dressed up than usual. I picked up flowers at the supermarket as a bouquet. Starting married life with no stress and no debt? That’s a win.

      We did intend to eventually at least buy a wedding cake. We still haven’t gotten around to it… 17 years later. But maybe this year!

    4. Enough*

      Yes it’s normal to not enjoy the planning. But if you are worried about it meaning something more how have you approached other things that require planning? Just because it’s a wedding doesn’t change your approach. But what kind of planning does an elopement take? Maybe your indifference means you don’t want to elope or that this is still more ceremony that you want.

    5. HannahS*

      Some people don’t care. The wedding is not the marriage. When my parents got engaged, they were both working like crazy and were students, so they turned the planning process completely over to my grandmother. They’ve been married 35 years. When my aunt and uncle got married, they did the same (my poor grandmother!); they’ve been married 40 years. Planning a giant party seems fun when you’re in your mid-teens, because it’s the equivalent of making a Pinterest board–I like this! And that! Ooh, and this! It’s considerably less fun when there’s actual money and family dynamics involved. My interest in planning a nice wedding plummeted the first time I was a bridesmaid–it just looks like so much work! “I’m not sure I even want a wedding,” is very different from “I’m not sure I even want to get married.” As long as those little voices are saying the first and not the second, you’re good!

    6. Anna*

      Weird, I’ve read that frequently it can be the opposite of that – some people focus /too/ much on the wedding itself because they’re trying to use it to paper over cracks in the relationship.

      Of course, there are also people who are obsessed with having a perfect wedding simply because they want a perfect wedding and it’s not a sign of anything underlying, so if you’re both excited about the idea of eloping I doubt it’s an issue.

    7. Totally Minnie*

      I was a big wedding person until I hit college and so many of my friends got married that I attended 13 weddings in a year. That put the kibosh on any desire I had to plan a wedding of my own. Now, if I ever do get married, I’m planning to elope and spend the money we would have spent on the wedding on house payments or a really awesome honeymoon.

    8. Rescue ALL the dogs!*

      I also should mention that I’m positive that my nervousness is 90% because of the inevitable fallout with my family that will happen due to the elopement and 10% about the whole wow I’m actually finally getting married. In regards to the family aspect, they’ve had three years of us being engaged to come around and apologize for their behavior, and I have clearly stated exactly what would need to happen for all of us to get along (ie to apologize) but they’re too proud to do that. It’s sad, but at the end of the day I need to do what’s right for me and sitting around waiting on adults to stop acting like children isn’t it. I guess I’m worried that my anxiety about the fallout is causing me to not be interested in some of the planning bits but at the same time, I like cake, all types of cake, so if I get to eat cake on my wedding day why do I need to care about how it’s decorated or what color it is?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        FWIW, you sound like a practical and grounded person. You will be just as married with or without hoopla.

        I think that reality can knock us down off our lofty clouds. It makes sense to me that family issues would be exhausting and practicality would kick in. I was never a big wedding person. But with the family stuff that I had going on, I could not have cared less. Here is how bad it was, my husband had put a roll of film in his pocket and I did not find it until 20 some odd years later. I threw it out. One day was just not that important to me, I placed a much higher value on our lives together. If I had it to do all over again, we would have eloped.

    9. Espeon*

      Congratulations! I’m <2 months out from my wedding and, while I *know* it’s going to be a great day and I genuinely can’t wait to be married, we really should’ve just eloped. I am so f-ing sick of planning and SPENDING and sh-tty family members of all kinds. I was excited to plan my wedding for so long… before I actually had to plan my wedding… Wedding-Planning Burnout is REAL, I wouldn’t see it as a reflection of your feelings about actually getting and being married to your human.

    10. Traveling Teacher*

      Once I was getting married, all I wanted to do was…be married. I didn’t really care about the details like I thought I would. So, if you’re just not enjoying all of the nitpicky things you have to plan (and spend money on or make!) then I think it’s totally normal, :) After all, if planning a wedding was only tasting cake and trying on dresses, then there wouldn’t be so many horror stories about the planning being a total s***show!

    11. Not That Jane*

      I got major cold feet a few months before we got married… not over wedding planning, so much, but just panic about what a big step I was taking and was I sure I was ready and and and.

      Now, we’ve been married for almost 7 years. We have a toddler and another on the way, and we’ve survived family deaths and career changes and health crises. Neither of us can imagine not being in each other’s life.

    12. Gingerblue*

      While scrolling down the page, I initially saw your username and absentmindedly skimmed it as part of your post, and thought you had plans to adopt a bunch of dogs at the end of March. I was so confused about where the cake came in.

      I have very little opinion on wedding planning, but I do recommend not involving an entire pack of dogs.

    13. Lurker*

      Not caring about the cake is a sign that you, well, don’t care about the cake. You should have the wedding you want, not the one that the wedding industry tells you that you should want.

      One of the best weddings I’ve ever attended was a church wedding followed by a reception in the adjacent hall, with folding tables and chairs and pot luck catering. The DJ was a guy with a boom box and a CD collection. The wedding dress (and the cake) were made by some combination of the bride and various family and church helpers. I think the budget was about $100 and they probably had a fair amount of change left over. The bride and groom were magnificently happy and everyone had a wonderful time.

  36. Alice*

    Any advice about finding a personal trainer?
    There’s a gym in my building, but I don’t know how best to use the equipment. Not do I know how to choose between the alphabet soup of certifications and professional associations.

    1. nep*

      The gym where I work offers a free session with a trainer to show you proper form and proper use of the machines. If that is your main reason for seeking a trainer, it seems a pretty common offering.
      But if you want to work with a trainer beyond that — here are some thoughts: I would certainly find someone who will offer you a free consultation in which you discuss your goals/reasons for seeking a trainer, and the trainer does a fitness assessment. The latter — in my view — would be primarily about seeing how s/he works and just whether there is a good rapport. And you’ll get a bit of an idea of the person’s knowledge and skills. (I don’t know about you, but if the person is doing the hard sell during the entire consultation, I’d move on and keep looking.)
      I wouldn’t put too much weight on which certification the person has. There are so many ways to get certified and it’s tough to know exactly what the process entailed. (Regarding the importance of letters after a person’s name, I guess I’d make one slight exception — someone holding an NPTI certification would get my attention more than others, just given what I’ve learned about that process, including through someone who was an instructor.) In general, though, someone could have four or five certs (even including NPTI, I guess) and be a real jerk, and someone else could have one basic certification and just have a combination of experience and disposition that turns out to be really helpful for you. (Ask around also — hearing first-hand from someone who’s worked with a particular trainer is good input.)
      Best of luck. Let us know how it goes.

      1. nep*

        Oops — mistake in my first part there. If it’s a gym in your building then probably not that offer of an orientation w a trainer. And I now realise my answer is less about the logistics of it and more just about some things to take into consideration.
        Re: how to find — Some fitness websites have a database of local trainers. Try ACE and Ideafit.

    2. Dead Quote Olympics*

      I found mine by asking around among friends and colleagues. I described the kind of approach I thought would work for me (matter of fact and not overly “inspirational,” someone who would explain the science behind whatever I was doing, someone who worked well with trainees who had physical limitations – I have mild arthritis) and one of my staff members had a friend who had worked with my trainer after an injury. I really like my trainer and he ticks all those boxes. The friend’s criteria had evidently been “no yelling and no touching” and he fits those too!

      I know I respond to explicit challenges or almost what I would describe as negative feedback — “I think you can do better”or “I’m sure you can go up in weight” but he never tries to override me if I say “this is too hard today”or “this is hurting, I’m making a slight modification or stopping.” We have mutual trust – I know he knows my limitations and he knows that I’m not a slacker! But you might respond better to more positive reinforcement of the “that was great, you are doing so well!” variety. So I would think a bit about those sort of factors and be able to articulate them when asking for recommendations or evaluating a trainer after your introductory session. Good luck, it’s been very successful and worth every penny for me.

      1. Laura H*

        I second the “networking” approach. My former Personal Trainer (former because of a matter of geographic distance- not personal conflict or bad service; awesome one really!) was recommended by my mom’s coworker and it was nearly a two year thing.

        You don’t have to necessarily mesh but you have to be able to listen to and communicate with them. I think it’s a good thing to do personal training. I’m feeling the near two-month lack of it already. Once again I prove that left to my own devices, I suck at starting things. I have to get set up with a new trainer at my new gym…

        2. Dead Quote Olympics*

          Yes, that’s another great point that Laura H. makes. Why do you need a personal trainer? Alice, you mentioned not knowing the equipment. Is it someone to show you the ropes? Someone to hold you accountable so you don’t get into the “I’m too tired I’ll skip it today” trap? Someone to push you through a plateau? That last one was what I really sucked at. I’d go to the gym regularly but didn’t know when I should add weights or change it up — he detects really quickly when I’ve gotten too comfortable. Those sorts of things can be factored into what kind of trainer will work best for you.

  37. Kat*

    I’m about ready to give up on dating. I met a guy before Christmas, we had a good few dates, he said he really cared about me, we even discussed going away together in spring. Then he ghosted me. I know this happens *all* the time and it isn’t new to me. But it’s so depressing. He met me, spent time with me, went to all the trouble of saying nice things (he didn’t have to, and we only spent the night together once, so it wasn’t all about that) and then vanished. Well, I know where he is, but he just stopped talking to me. I know it’s about him and not me, but it’s just when I get my hopes up, even a tiny bit, and then get let down. I can’t help wanting to hide.

    So yeah, that was quite hurtful. And I’m 34 and don’t want to be single forever (I like being single, really, but I don’t want it to be a long-term thing if I can help it). I try to keep meeting people and not let it get me down, but I’m only human. My low self-esteem doesn’t take much to be knocked a bit.

    Ah well. Any good dating stories? Tips? Biscuits?

    Alternatively, what fun things are you up to in the near future if you’re single? I like to hear about this. I’m thinking of taking a jewellery class.

    1. HannahS*

      Wow, that’s pretty poor behaviour on his part. I’m a firm believer in telling people that I’m not interested in taking things further when that’s the case. I think it’s selfish not to.

      Last night, I was on a dating app, and I was looking at a tiled view of photos of people who’ve been on it recently (instead of swiping one at a time) and it happened that the six photos that fit on the screen were six of my classmates. Mildly funny. Then, horrors! My phone glitched and stopped responding and in my frantic pushing of buttons I set it as my background! And I couldn’t get it to go away! Six guys in my class smiling up at me! Can you imagine?! I’d look like such a creep using my phone in public. Fortunately, it went away when I restarted my phone.

      1. Kat*

        Yes, exactly! I mean if he didn’t want to see me any more for whatever reason, that’s one thing, but at least send a message to say so. I hate the ghosting thing (unless, of course, it’s for safety or something, like someone is being creepy). We’re all adults, and part of dating is ending things in a mature way.

        Haha, that is hilarious! But yes, also it would be pretty disconcerting! Tiled view sounds very high-tech, I’m just on the regular boring swiping. I don’t live in a very big city so the choice is rather limited, but my workplace is like… four guys, none of whom are suitable or available, so it’s really the main option!

    2. Jess*

      I’m so sorry, ghosting after that level of connection is just awful and I’m not surprised it’s knocked you. I wish I had some advice, but I’m in a pretty similar boat as far as age and liking being single and not having much luck with dating goes. I do believe things will work out for both of us, but I know that’s not always a great help in the aftermath of a breakup.

      As for fun things, I’ve been doing some spa days with friends lately and absolutely loving them. I’m also throwing myself into some volunteer work which has been doing wonders for my self esteem. And I’ve been looking into getting back to horse riding (haven’t been on a horse in 20 years, so that one could be interesting!)

      1. Kat*

        Thanks. Yeah, it just wasn’t what I was expecting. I loved the idea of us going away (would just have been fairly local, but still), so when I realised that yet again I’d be arranging another solo holiday, I was a bit sad. (Don’t get me wrong, I love holidays on my own, but just for a change that would’ve been fun.)

        I need to do some volunteer work too, actually. Been lazy about finding out more, but I will investigate! I think meeting new people is the answer.

    3. OLD*

      I love earrings so a jewellery class sounds lovely.

      I’m feeling slightly more positive about dating after about a year of putting myself out there and just having boring, bland, uninteresting encounters with people (or people ghosting mid conversation). Joined Tinder and had a really good conversation with someone and a first date last night (!). Not sure if this will have legs or go very far, but its just really nice to feel wanted and to have good conversation with someone!

      1. Kat*

        I like bracelets, and I thought learning how to physically create something might be really cool! Have done a few classes before but nothing in that area. I might give it a go.

        I have had a few nice chats recently and I like talking to decent guys, meeting up, getting to know someone. It’s just whether it’s even worth it any more. I don’t *want* to give up, though!

    4. MissGirl*

      In your same boat and it sucks. It’s never about me but by this time it has to be sometimes about me. Wish I’d found someone in my twenties before everyone paired up. No advice because if I knew how to fix it, I would.

    5. LAI*

      I remember going on a few dates with a guy who totally confused me – seemed to have a really good time with me and be really excited about seeing me, said all the right things, then disappeared after the third date. Then randomly popped up a couple months later, apologizing, asking if he could have another chance, then disappeared again! So weird. I think that, half the time, they don’t even know what they want. Anyway, I met my now-fiance a couple weeks later. If you’re looking for online dating tips, my recommendation is to initiate contact with guys you’re interested in. So few girls do that, so a guy really appreciates when a girl makes the first move and feels flattered. Plus, you increase the odds exponentially that you’ll then be talking to guys who you actually like.

      1. Kat*

        They don’t know, and they have too much choice. It’s too easy for them to find someone else to talk to a day later. And he was a bit younger than me so I just assume some 25-year-old was a bit more interesting (no reason to believe it from what he said but meh).

        I initiate when they seem interesting. I mean, I’m not scared to do it, but honestly most of the time I am busy doing other things. I find messaging people so time-consuming! And I like my free time. Maybe I should set aside some time to do it, haha.

      2. Betsy*

        I’m also 34. I agree about the mixed signals. Most guys I’ve dated seem to give conflicting signals. I start to wonder if I’m terrible at reading signals, but if I ask friends (male or female) they say they would have found it confusing too. I also agree that people don’t know what they want and this can lead to the mixed signals.

        OP, I am finding dating in my early thirties a little harder too, although I guess it could just be more to do with luck than age. So many people at this age are looking for someone to settle down with forever, so the stakes feel higher. I feel a bit like if guys see one dealbreaker, they then decide I’m not the perfect woman to mother their future children. Whereas in my twenties I ended up in a very long relationship by just hanging out a lot and seeing where things went. Starting to feel like I’m ruled out before people even get to know me.

        It’s not like I have nothing going for me, either. I’m kind and caring, have a decent career, I’m pleasant enough looking, and have a good sense of humour. I feel like there should be at least someone out there who likes me enough to date me for more than a few months?

    6. Middle School Teacher*

      I’m in the same boat, slightly older than you. Dating at this age is exhausting. I’m not really actively looking anymore. Dating apps are getting tiresome to me and I find I get messages from guys who are super young, like 20, or guys my age with a bunch of kids (and I don’t want kids). I’m just reading more and hanging out with friends. I have some doozy stories, though :) of mostly first dates.

      1. Kat*

        It is tiring! For me I find it’s more that I’m in my 30s, I’ve been single a long time, I like my own space and my own routine, and my free time is precious. So wasting it on bad first dates isn’t ideal. Good first dates, sure! But I never can tell. I’ve never had anything too bad but that’s probably because I hardly meet anyone. I do like first date stories!

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          Well, there was the guy who showed up 45 minutes late and then spilled a strawberry margarita on my white shirt… the guy who put his arm around me and grabbed my breast… the guy who, when he found out I was a teacher, told me about all the hot teachers he’d had crushes on in school… another guy who, when he found out I was a teacher, told me he totally would have hooked up with me if he were my student and then didn’t understand why I found that offensive… the guy whose aspiration was to buy a van and drive across Canada living in his van… the guy who told me in great detail about his daughter’s birth and what his ex went through, stitches-wise, told about all the issues he had with his ex, how it made parenting so difficult, then talked constantly about “cool cars” and actually interrupted me when I tried to change the subject to keep talking about cars, and then got offended and called me an “uppity c**t” when I turned down a second date…

    7. LPUK*

      I gave up dating about 13 years ago now! I can vividly remember my last date. I had been seeing this guy for about 3 weeks. On the first date we met up in a punk and had that discussion about what I liked doing. I said meals, walks, cinema, theatre, galleries etc, but as I don’t drink I don’t spend a lot of times in pubs. The next three dates were in pubs… on the final one, he asked me if I fancied going to a nearby club ( full of students, sticky floor etc. I used to go there a lot as a student NEARLY 20 YEARS AGO). I laughed and said ‘we really don’t have anything in common do we?’ He went quiet for a bit and the said ‘ I’m going to the toilet now, you don’t have to be here when I get back’. Well, first I was embarrassed, then I was affronted and then I realised I was wasting valuable getaway time and left at a trot. Just as I reached my car, my phone buzzed with a text which said ‘ I know we’ve got nothing in common but fancy a shag anyway?’ That was it for me, and I’ve never looked back.

      1. Kat*

        I don’t *want* to give up, though… Not yet. I like men’s company and I like the fun of a new relationship and I maybe want children and so I have to keep going. I don’t necessarily think bad date stories reflect all dating. I mean, I hated the ghosting thing, but a few weeks later I’m able to be realistic and know that’s his own problem, and there are other people out there who aren’t like that. I’ll keep going… but your story is a classic! At least he was honest…?

        I once contemplated escaping a pub when I was on a date, but it was just too awkward. He stared at my boobs and later after I’d managed to extricate myself he texted with ‘oh your boobs are great, I could come over’? What part of that date made him think this was an option?!

    9. Elizabeth West*

      Ghosting (other than in a dangerous situation) is just bad manners. It’s not a judgment on you; it’s the sign of an immature person who can’t have tough conversations. Such a person is not likely to be an ideal partner, at least not until they grow up, and who wants to wait around for that? :P

      I wish I had some good dating stories. I haven’t had a date in ages, and there is no good reason why. It’s hard to believe that in a city of over 160,000 people there isn’t even ONE person to hang out with, but that’s how it seems. Anyone even remotely interesting is already taken. Men my age want younger women (fine, I like younger men anyway). The young single men here are TOO young. I do want to get married and it ain’t gonna happen here, but gah I’d like to at least have some fun while I’m stuck here. I tried the dating websites, but I received little response and what I did get was not appealing. When I do go out alone, I might as well be invisible. Maybe I’m really hideous and don’t know it. :P

      I’ve found that joining groups helps me feel less isolated. Right now I’m in three–one is the new writing group, not really for social purposes but I like it anyway. One is my Doctor Who group; I feel more connected to these people as friends. And the third is my dharma group, which passes for church. Most of my focus has been on the activity. I don’t want to use them as dating pools.

  38. Ask a Manager* Post author

    I have a question about reupholstering furniture. We bought two armchairs in November, and the cats have already destroyed them — something about the fabric is really susceptible to scratching, more than any other furniture I’ve ever seen. (They haven’t done this to anything else in our house.) I’m thinking about getting them upholstered in a different fabric, but I know nothing about the logistics of that. Would we have to transport the chairs, or is it typical for them to pick stuff up and deliver it back to you? (If we’d have to transport them ourselves, it’s probably not worth the hassle and I’d just buy new chairs.)

    1. the gold digger*

      I have had three re-upholsters from different vendors in different cities. Each time, they have picked up the item.

      If the cats were allowed in the living room, where these items live, they would scratch them. Indeed, when they do manage to sneak into the living room, they go straight for the most-recently upholstered chair.

    2. The Curator*

      We had our couch recovered with an industrial fabric that is used in commercial office lobbies. It looks and feels like a cotton fabric. There is some kind of “stress” test that they use so it is impervious. The upholsterer picked up the couch, recovered and delivered.

    3. Blue_eyes*

      I think it should be pretty easy to find an upholsterer that will do pick up. Since they deal with furniture every day, they probably have a system in place. They may charge for the pick up and delivery though.

      (I think when my dad had his dining chairs reupholstered we dropped them off, but that was only 4 dining chairs, so they fit in the car without too much trouble. Or maybe we even removed the seats and dropped off only the seats with the reupholsterer.)

    4. Emmie*

      Reupholsters in my area have a cost for transporting furniture. It’s cheaper bill to drop it off yourself, but sometimes the transportation cost is worth it b/c I don’t want to rent a truck, and move furniture.

    5. Merci Dee*

      Many places will pick up and deliver back to you. Mostly because so many people just don’t have the means for moving major furniture like that.

      Hope you find something the cats won’t go nuts over! I got a new couch less than 2 years ago, with a chenille type of fabric (a nubby kind of pattern on the fabric that reminds me of my grandmother’s old chenille bedspread). It’s a lovely color and pattern, but I have to hide my upholstery down with Static Guard every couple of weeks during winter to cut down on shocks and fur build-up. I think I’d choose a different fabric if I had it to do again.

    6. All Hail Queen Sally*

      I have blankets thrown over my favorite chair because I am afraid if I get it reupholstered, Daisy will just shred it again. Some how, she has managed to remove chunks of the fabric and stuffing. When people come over, I just point to it and call it a scratching post.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      There could be some scent in stuffing of the chair or maybe it is just the fabric.
      Depending on the original amount you paid for the chairs it might be the same or cheaper just to get new chairs.
      I know upholstery work has gone sky high. I redid a chair here myself. The fabric alone was $20 a yard and that was years ago. Then I had to buy other supplies on top of that.

      If the chairs are a common shape and size, you may be able to find slip covers to fit. That would probably be your cheapest option. OTH, you might be able to find something in pet stores or websites that would work to cover the chairs.

    9. Windchime*

      With current kitty, I found a product called “Sticky Paws” at the pet store. It’s super wide, double-sided sticky tape (clear). I bought several packages and did every corner of my furniture when he was still a kitten. That seemed to have done the trick; he is five years old and still only uses his scratching posts. I also keep his front claws trimmed pretty short.

      1. All Hail Queen Sally*

        Thanks! I am going to get some of that tape and see if it will work on Daisy. She has pretty much shredded my entire apartment.

  39. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’m working really hard this week to socialize at only the level that is safe for me with my anxiety. I had a bad experience on Monday doing a tabletop RPG for the first time–the game itself was really fun but it went on for 5 hours, there were a ton of background distractions (roommate’s baby had one of those fire truck toys that made sound effects, plus is a baby) and I was exhausted for the entire next day. So after that I decided I would do fun stuff but leave before I felt exhausted and I’ve been pretty good about that.

    I have a psychiatrist appointment on Monday to try and get my meds adjusted in some way because of this awful anxiety. It’s frustrating because I’ve been on pretty much every type of antidepressant there is, except maybe for a couple of really old-school ones that aren’t used much anymore, and it’s always the same pattern–they work for a while, then my mental health gets bad again and I stop taking them or switch to a different one, and the cycle repeats. I just want to feel stable, to not have my brain problems derail my efforts to work and socialize and generally function as an adult in society. I’m going to see about adding an additional medication for the anxiety rather than just dropping the current antidepressant.

    I’m proud of myself for giving a talk at a programming Meetup this week.

    How are you doing?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I hope your appointment goes well. And kudos on giving the talk!

      I’m doing ok. I seem to be coping way better with stress which is good. All the mothers day stuff is the shops is kicking me into a bit of depression but I’m trying to be kind to myself.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Hugs. Holidays around relationships are always tough for people who have complicated experiencs with those relationships. My friend who’s estranged from his family of origin spent all day Christmas crying by himself. I have a history of abusive relationships and Valentine’s Day always puts me on edge.

      3. JaneB*

        I’m proud of myself for interviewing for a new responsibility at work, and frustrated that when I didn’t get it I was really upset, felt rejected by everyone and went on a 48 hour eat everything rampage. Oh well!

      4. Not So NewReader*

        It’s not our fault when our parents fail us. We can be good parents (mom/dad) to ourselves. Maybe you can find a nice self-care thing to do for mother’s day for yourself.

    2. Red*

      I wish you the best of luck at your appointment :) Don’t be afraid to speak up about your concerns,it literally is all in your head so the doctor won’t know jack if you don’t tell them all about it!

      I’m feeling much more like myself after a med adjustment, which is lovely. Though it is astounding that I managed to rack up so much debt in what wasn’t even a full-blown manic episode, and I may have f’ed up my marriage a bit. This is going to be fun, putting all the pieces back together again…

      1. ..Kat..*

        I’m glad you are doing better. Hope you can return things and put your marriage back together. Is there any counseling or therapy groups for people related to or involved with people with bipolar disorder? So that they know the best things to do and how to take care of themselves when their loved one is having troubles?

    3. Kn*

      You sound very active, that’s great! Kudos to you for trying so many things :)

      I’m not doing so great right now. Recently I started having more often stress attacks and whole days where my base mood is depressed. Often the only thing that brightens my mood a bit are cat/animal videos and funny pictures.
      It’s a long way to happiness.

    4. Emily*

      Thank you for posting, and good luck with your psych appointment – hopefully you will be able to find a combination of meds that works for you.

      This hasn’t been my best week – my brain has been kicking up more feelings of anxiety, sadness, and frustration than normal. I was feeling sad that I am not very close with two of my roommates when they are friends (even though there are logical reasons for that, and everyone in the household is nice to each other, a part of me feels left out and also feels bad that I have not done more to develop stronger relationships with them). I was feeling stressed about the amount of work that I don’t do – somehow I manage to spend a lot of my workdays unproductively and figuring out how to organize myself and stay on task seems really hard and scary. I was feeling uneasy about my relationship, which isn’t in trouble, but has felt a little empty recently – my S.O. has been having some health problems (for several months now) and isn’t able to talk much or really do much of anything that requires energy, so it feels more like we’re cohabiting than being lovers. Even pottery class, which I normally find satisfying, wasn’t much fun; I was disappointed in one of my glazed pieces that came back and generally frustrated with my skills and progress.

      These feelings are real and probably all things that I need to work on, but I also know that they have been amplified in the short term by worse-than-normal bedtime habits. I will make an effort this week to get back into the habit of limiting my late-night screen time and going to be before midnight.

      I am proud of myself for reading multiple books, for exercising regularly, and for messaging my doctor to ask about the steps I need to take to get evaluated for ADHD. I have been wondering for 10+ years if I might have the disorder, but figuring out how to initiate the diagnostic process was too overwhelming. I hope that this will be a good first step and that she will be able to help me or point me in the right direction.

    5. Espeon*

      I love tabletop RPGs but yeah, I don’t have the stamina of my teammates and I ended up dropping out of the last campaign after a year and a half – after a day of work (in customer service in an open plan office no less), I am already too exhausted and over bright lights and noise to cope with another 3 hours of peopling :(

      My anxiety is really being a b-tch right now – I’m waking up in the night every night and worrying too much to get back to sleep… until shortly before my alarm goes off, of course! I’m knackered every day. I just want it to be May – wedding and honeymoon done, warm and light enough to garden after work, and my birthday approaching.

    6. AnonAndOn*

      I’m somewhat broken down, but recovering. I have a lot of overdue bills due to my never-ending unemployment. A relative sent me money out of the blue to cover one of the bills. I did not ask for this money. She then sent a lecturing message about how she feels like my siblings and I use her and another relative as an ATM, and that we make no effort to visit the other relative, who is elderly. I felt that the message was out of the blue and cruel. She apologized, but it was a “sorry, but” apology.

      If I weren’t in a desperate place I’d send the money back. I don’t like asking for help because I don’t like feeling needy, and that was an example why.

      I broke down, called someone (non-relative), and cried. She listened and was empathetic. I needed that.

      I’m feeling a little better, but I’m still smarting from my relative’s words.

    7. Betsy*

      I’m doing quite well this week.

      I’m working on thinking about boundaries. Just in the last couple of years my friendships haven’t been so good. A lot of friends want to just vent to me for hours, and I don’t know how to appropriately get out of these situations.

      I think if I do manage to get stronger boundaries around this issue it will help my anxiety overall, and lead me to develop stronger, more supportive relationships, which in turn should help to reduce the anxiety more, if I actually feel like I have a few good friends who really care about my welfare.

      My goal is not to completely get rid of the anxiety, because I’m not sure that’s possible, but I really want to make sure the people in my life are not dragging me down. I like listening and I love mutually supportive relationships, but it’s been hurtful to feel taken advantage of so often.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      Good luck at the appointment!

      I’ve been struggling with some depression, which I think has been exacerbated by really dismal weather. But the sun is out today and it’s supposed to warm up. I think if I tidy my house, that will make me feel better. I have a bit more energy today now that it’s not just raining and raining and raining.

    9. Alpha Bravo*

      I’m doing … okay. I’ve been snowed in most of the week but we finally thawed yesterday so I was able to do a grocery run. Several power outages with temps in the 20s did not help. I was very grateful I didn’t even have to think of attempting the hour-long commute to OldJob in conditions I know can be deadly (nearly bought the farm one winter on black ice on our very rural road). I’ve used the time to work on costuming for a larp character and I’ve made good progress on that, not being able to do much else. Ironically it’s a frost/ice dragon. So I’ve spent a large part of my week sewing snowflakes onto dragon wings, looking out the window at the RL snow scene and cursing. All in all, not bad. :)

    10. OCDAnon*

      I posted a few weeks ago about how I was having trouble finding a therapist and feeling discouraged. I’ve been to three different ones now, and I know some of the advice I got here before indicated it is indeed a bit like interviewing and finding a good fit…I just don’t have the energy to keep doing this. One appointment every week with a new person trying to figure out if they can even help me…and coming to the conclusion they can’t. Every one suggests a different approach. Every one seems to sort of…gawk at me. I thought they were supposed to have seen all sorts of things with patients and not be so surprised? I’m not even THAT weird I don’t think. Whatever happened to professional distance? It made me feel really uncomfortable that they were commenting on how unusual I was (especially because I find it hard to believe that I am that unusual). Not helpful. At this rate I feel like I could spend 12 weeks in therapy without making any progress as I basically rotate through every PhD in town. How does anyone do this? It’s so exhausting. And expensive to have all these try-it-out appointments that go nowhere.

      1. Betsy*

        It *is* hard. Even though OCD is one of the more common mental illnesses, I still don’t think many therapists really understand it. I try to go to people who write they have experience in OCD on their bios or at least anxiety, but seem like they would be more understanding of that subtype of anxiety.

        I usually give them a few sessions to see if they work, because I know I’m prone to judging people prematurely. I do sometimes feel like I’m being gawked at too, but then sometimes a remark later on clarifies that they weren’t shocked and that they found whatever I was saying fairly normal. The therapist I’m seeing now is suggesting a different approach than the previous one I saw, but I’m fairly OK with this. It’s more that the last one set more ‘homework’ exercises and this one is just more straightforward talk therapy.

        Mine have really helped (one in this city and one in the last) but I don’t think they do classical OCD treatment stuff like ERP.

        I really hope that one day all therapists will have training in the most effective, evidence-based ways to deal with OCD. It doesn’t seem like too much to ask.

        Perhaps take a little break for a while, if your mental health permits you and you don’t need to speak to someone immediately, and then go back to trying new people when you’re less burnt out by the whole process?

        1. OCDAnon*

          The whole process has been bizarre to me, but when I asked around apparently it’s not uncommon. The whole reason I started the process was because I felt like I’d sort of hit a breaking point.
          The gawking in this case wasn’t even about anything related to the OCD. It was more about random mundane facts about me that happened to come up. They kept having this fascinated/excited reaction. It got to the point (each time) where I kept thinking “OK but this has nothing to do with why I’m here so can we stop congratulating me for not uncommon life milestones and move on?” None of the therapists I’ve seen specifically listed OCD but they did specialize in various acronyms-that-had-been-recommended-for-treating-OCD, which is how I ended up there. Besides the gawking, the general consensus was they didn’t think exposure therapy would actually be effective given my specific symptoms/triggers, but every time I went to someone who specialized in one type of therapy, they’d recommend a different type, and I feel like nobody knows what to do with me. You’re probably right I need to try to find OCD specific specialists. I just haven’t had much luck doing so.
          I’m actually doing pretty OK at the moment because I’ve had an unrelated health issue. It turns out I’ve been in too much physical pain, and too weak to get up and walk around or stand very much. Apparently, if all you’re thinking all day is “ow this hurts” and “I need to lie down” it really cuts back on one’s ability to perform compulsive behaviours. But that’s not exactly a long-term strategy.

    11. Janeitenoir*

      Congratulations on the Meetup talk!

      I’m starting to get a handle on what my own mental health issues are – basically, the stress of my first real (and wonderful!) relationship, grad school, full-time employment, and various other assorted life stressors over the past 4 months has revealed some mental health issues that were probably bubbling along all the time, but have now been aggravated. What I’m pretty sure is pure-O OCD is just awful – I’m just now starting to come down off a three-week spiral. I’ve started therapy through my work EAP program, which is great, but the gap between therapy appts is long right now. I had another breakdown this past Saturday after too much interaction, but I am so lucky that my boyfriend is incredibly understanding and caring and will let me cry all over him.

  40. The Curator*

    The Flu.
    Last week I wrote in about coming down with something. Turns out that it was the The Flu with a secondary bronchial infection. Straight home. Liquids, meds and quarantine. Much better today. Thought I would be more anxious about work but since I wasn’t conscious most of the week, not really.

    Weary but not suffering. Grateful for modern medicine.

    1. Kuododi*

      Oh sweetie…the Flu and a sinus infection hit me last Tuesday. I’m definitely having sympathy pains:). Whoever invented Tamiflu should be canonized!!!! That stuff is excellent…..Feel better!!!!

    2. Nina*

      You have my sympathy. Last month, I had the flu, which turned into sinusitis, which turned into viral meningitis. It was hell and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

      I hope you feel better soon. Get as much rest as you can, and push fluids. Thankfully, they’re saying the flu has reached its peak, so I’m hoping it starts to decrease.

  41. Lily Evans*

    A whole bunch of you gave me advice last weekend about dealing with my roommate who had her bf staying over almost every night, but I haven’t had to use it yet because he didn’t stay over once this week! I don’t know if it’s because I texted her about him always leaving the toilet seat up and she realized that they weren’t being as sneaky as she seemed to think they were, or if it was something unrelated. Hopefully it doesn’t start being a problem again (after all, he could just be on vacation or something this week), but at least if it does I have a plan now for how to deal with it. Thanks to everyone who gave advice!

  42. Dear liza dear liza*

    I want to walk and talk on my cellphone. I bought a Bluetooth device that was well reviewed on Amazon, but I can barely hear the other person through it. I have a monster gaming headset that works beautifully but would look weird in public. (Don’t worry, I walk around the neighborhood, not anyplace where I might disturb people.) I turn to you, wise commentariat, for suggestions. (I have an Android clone, if that matters.)

    1. Blue_eyes*

      Can you get regular earbuds with a microphone in the cord (like the ones that come with iphones)? I use my iphone earbuds all the time to walk and talk. You’ll still have a cord (if that’s what you were trying to avoid with the bluetooth), but I find the cord doesn’t get in the way much with my phone in my purse or pocket.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Yes, I use my iPhone earbuds like that all the time, it’s great if I want to talk on the phone while washing dishes or making dinner.

        1. ValaMalDoran*

          Thirding the earbuds with microphone. I use them all the time, and don’t have to remember to charge them. And they’re cheaper, especially somewhere like TJ Maxx.

      1. Observer*

        That’s a real possibility. I just got a pair of inexpensive bluetooth earbuds, and the volume is fine. I wouldn’t use if for “fine listening”, but for calls and podcasts? Absolutely fine.

  43. Sparkly Librarian*

    Do you have a favorite joke that is a) clean enough for 8-year-olds and b) easy to remember?

    Mine:
    Two drums and a cymbal fell off a cliff. Ba-dum-chhhh!

    What do you call a chicken who is scared of the dark? A chicken.

    2. Casca*

      What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
      A carrot!

      How do you make a tissue dance?
      Put a little boogie in it

      2. Canadian Natasha*

        That was part of the trick jokes I remrmber from grade 3!
        Other ones:
        What’s black and white and red(read) all over? A newspaper
        What’s black and white and black and white and black and white…? A skunk rolling down a hill
        What’s fuzzy and purple and eats people? A fuzzy purple people eater of course!

    5. Your Weird Uncle*

      This is probably over an 8 year old’s head, but my favorite is:

      Some people say I’m condescending. (That means I talk down to people.)

      True story: once my dad got a little tipsy and, bless him, he’s never been very good at words so this joke came out as: ‘some people say I’m condensation….’

        1. The New Wanderer*

          This was my kids’ favorite! We did a version for my son, who was 3 at the time:
          Knock knock!
          who’s there?
          Interrupting Son.
          Interrupting S-
          Mama! Mama! Mama!

    7. Florida*

      Last night, I dreamt I was a muffler. Now I’m exhausted.

      This one is clean enough for teenagers…
      There was a zoo that had only one animal – a dog. It was a shih zhu.

      1. Canadian Natasha*

        If we’re gonna go with the scatological jokes…
        Did you hear that diarrhea is genetic? It runs in your genes (jeans).

    8. Canadian Natasha*

      Did you hear about the snail who removed his shell to make himself faster? He only became more sluggish.

      Did you hear the snail bought a sports car and had a big S painted on it? He wanted everyone to say “Look at that S car go!” (escargot)

      A: Knock knock!
      B: Who’s there?
      A: Interrupting cow
      B: Interrupting cow wh…
      A: MOOO!

      1. Fun Auntie*

        I love that joke. I remember telling it to my nephew when he was a little too young for it, and he just stared at me and said, “Not funny.” This, of course, made us all laugh even harder. Now that he’s eight he thinks it’s funny.

    11. RecreationalModeration*

      What did the pony say when it cleared its throat?
      “Excuse me—I’m a little hoarse.”

      1. Florida*

        If I ever had a horse, I would name it “Radish”. That way I could say, “this is my horse, Radish.”

    12. Elephant jokes*

      Okay, this is a series. It *has* to be told in (relative) order and you can’t just have one joke. Perfect for kids, as my dad told it to me when I was growing up.

      You ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? (Beat*)
      Hide pretty well, don’t they?

      You know why elephants have flat feet?
      It’s from jumping out of cherry trees!

      What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
      Here come the elephants!

      What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill, only this time they were wearing sunglasses?
      He didn’t say anything; he didn’t recognize them.

      Do you know how you kill a blue elephant?
      With a blue elephant gun.

      Now, how do you kill a pink elephant?
      You hold its nose until it turns blue, then you kill it with a blue elephant gun.

      Do you know why ducks have flat feet?
      It’s from stamping out forest fires!

      Do you know why elephants have flat feet?
      It’s from stamping out flaming ducks!

      *You have to pause between the question and the answer for these to work, obviously; usually the person you’re telling the joke to will try confusedly to answer, which makes them all the funnier!

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        I’m sure there’s one in there at the beginning about why elephants paint their toenails red (to hide in cherry trees/

        1. Elephant jokes*

          That wasn’t part of my tradition growing up but I’ll happily add it into the list! Elephants with painted toes is a delightful image!

          (A couple of the others were also added in after I became an adult, and heard variants on these.)

      1. caledonia*

        Oh mine is similar to this!

        One day two cats were having a race in the sea. The cats were called one two three cat and un duex trois cat. Which cat won the race?

        One two three cat because un deux trois cat sank (quatre cinque being French for 4 and 5)

    14. Canadian Natasha*

      3 part joke:
      How do you fit an elephant in a refrigerator?
      You take the giraffe out.
      (Didn’t get that? Okay let’s try again…)
      The lion called a meeting of all the animals. One animal was missing. Who was it?
      The elephant! Don’t you remember you just put him in the fridge?
      (Okay, last chance)
      You let the elephant out of the fridge. While he’s on his way to the meeting he has to cross a river where all the hungry crocodiles live. How does he get across?
      Easily, the crocodiles are all at the meeting!

        1. Ermintrude Mulholland*

          As i recall the series is (i love this joke):

          Hiw many elephants can you fit in a blue mini?
          Four – two in the front, two in the back
          How can you tell there’s an elephant in the fridge?
          There’s a set of footprints in the butter
          How can you tell there’s two elephants in the fridge?
          There’s two sets of footprints in the butter
          How can you tell there’s three elephants in the fridge?
          There’s three sets of footprints in the butter
          How can you tell there’s four elephants in the fridge?
          There’s a blue mini parked in the driveway

    15. Lissa*

      What’s red and shaped like a bucket?
      A red bucket
      What’s green and shaped like a bucket?
      A red bucket…in disguise!

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        What’s red and invisible?
        No tomatoes.

        What’s yellow and very, very dangerous?
        Shark-infested custard.

    16. OnwardsAndUpwards*

      When you say “clean enough for an 8 year old”, is that also the sense of humour you’re going for? My friends’s 8 year old boy will laugh forever at the childishly almost-rude “what’s brown and sticky?” “A stick.”

      2. Sparkly Librarian*

        Potty humor is fine! I have a 3rd grade class that specifically requests “books about gross stuff, especially poop”. It’s also fine to be more sophisticated (an 8-year-old might not get it, but I can tell it in front of them and their grandparents at work without fear). I just have a terrible memory for jokes, so I’m trying to find some that will stick!

    17. nep*

      What did the thousand island say when someone opened the refrigerator?
      Close the door — I’m dressing!

    18. Middle School Teacher*

      What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
      Nacho cheese.

      What do you call a fish with no eyes?
      Fshh.

    20. Tea and Sympathy*

      This one might get a bit British, but bear with me….

      What do you call a man with a shovel on his head? Doug.
      What do you call a man WITHOUT a shovel on his head? Douglas.
      What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff.
      What do you call a man with dirt on his head? Pete. (Soil humour…)
      What do you call a man with a plank on his head? Edward. (Head-wood)
      What do you call a man with three planks on his head? Edward Woodward. (Late famous British actor.)

      You could probably think of more…

      1. Tea and Sympathy*

        By the way, it probably says something about British humour that when Edward Woodward passed away, there was a twitter hashtag trending #ewarwoowar – that stems from an old 8 year old joke – why does Edward Woodward have so many D’s in his name? Because otherwise he’d be called Ewar Woowar.

        1. Tea and Sympathy*

          Haha! Okay, couple more….

          What do you call a man that everyone sings to? Mike.
          What do you call a woman who catches fish? Annette.

    21. KayEss*

      I know exactly one joke, carefully preserved for occasions like this:

      What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt!

    22. Incantanto*

      What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

      A stick.

      What goes 99 bump? A centipede with a wooden leg.

    24. Effie, who is pondering*

      Two muffins are baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, “Boy, it’s hot in here!”

      The other muffin screams, “AAAHHHH! A talking muffin!”

      (Also works with ice cubes in a freezer saying it’s cold)

    25. Not So NewReader*

      I need to cut the letter “C” in half. What tool will I need to do that?

      A “C” saw. (A seesaw.)

    26. Lcsa99*

      “Knock, knock”, “who’s there?”, “Apple,” “Apple who?”
      “Knock, knock”, “who’s there?”, “Apple,” “Apple who?”
      “Knock, knock”, “who’s there?”, “Apple,” “Apple who?”
      “Knock, knock”, “who’s there?”, “Apple,” “Apple who?”
      “Knock, knock”, “who’s there?”, “Orange who?,”
      Orange you glad I didn’t say Apple?

      “Knock, knock”, “who’s there?”, “Boo,” “Boo who?”
      Don’t cry! It’s only a joke!

    27. Pie for Breakfast*

      What do you say to a one legged hitchhiker? Hop in!

      I had a Rabbit joke book when I was 8, these are the ones I remember:
      What can a rabbit do that an elephant can’t? Hide in a bucket
      What do yo call a cold puppy sitting on a rabbit? Chilly dog on a bun
      How many carrots can a 500 pound rabbit eat? As many as it wants
      How do you know a rabbit has been in the fridge? Footprints in the jello.

    29. Merci Dee*

      Got a ton of these from my daughter over the years…

      Why is it easy to lie to vampires?
      Because they’re suckers.

      Why are ghosts such bad liars?
      Because you can see right through them.

      Why are skeletons such wimps?
      Because they don’t have any guts.

      What kind of birds always stick together?
      Vel-crows.

      What do clouds wear under their shorts?
      Thunderpants.

      What do you call a man floating in the ocean?
      Bob.

      What do you call a man hanging on the wall?
      Art.

      What do you call a man laying at your door?
      Matt.

      What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
      A roamin’ Catholic.

      What makes the best duck call?
      A phone.

      These are the ones u can remember off the top of my head. Believe me when I tell you there were many, many, manymanymany more.

    31. Anonymous Ampersand*

      Ok I did not know either of those. I LOL’d. And indeed at most of this thread!

      What do you call a sheep with no legs?
      A cloud.

      Two fish in a tank. One of them says, can you drive this thing?

      Two mobile phones went to a wedding. The ceremony was awful but the reception was brilliant.

      What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
      Do-you-think-he-saw-us?? (Like saurus)

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        Oh oh oh! Also:

        What’s pink and fluffy?
        Pink fluff.

        What’s purple and fluffy?
        Pink fluff that’s holding its breath.

    32. Jules the First*

      What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
      A walkie-talkie

      What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shivers?
      A nervous wreck

    33. Blue Eagle*

      Knock, Knock!
      Who’s there?
      Ester
      Ester who?
      The Ester bunny!

      Knock, Knock!
      Who’s there?
      Anna
      Anna who?
      Annother Ester bunny!

      Knock, Knock!
      Who’s there
      Estelle
      Estelle who?
      Estelle Annother Ester bunny!

      Knock, Knock!
      Who’s there
      Orange
      Orange who?
      Orange you glad it’s not Estelle Annother Ester bunny!

    34. Elizabeth West*

      This one’s a two-parter:

      What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming? Here come the elephants.
      What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming with sunglasses on? Nothing; he didn’t recognize them.

      Why is a falling ghost like a heavy rain? They both come down in sheets.

      And the all-time classic:

      Knock knock.
      Who’s there?
      Banana.
      Banana who?
      Knock knock.
      Who’s there?
      Banana.
      Banana who?
      Knock knock.
      Who’s there?
      Banana.
      Banana who?
      *as your audience starts to lose patience*
      Knock knock.
      Who’s there?
      Orange.
      Orange who?
      Orange you glad I didn’t say banana? :)

    36. oranges & lemons*

      I like the classics: Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

      Also, if limericks count, this is one of my favourites:
      There was a young man from Japan
      Whose limericks never would scan.
      When asked why that was,
      He replied, “It’s because
      I always try to fit as many syllables into the last line as ever I possibly can.”

  44. LAI*

    So we are planning a wedding. We are in our mid-thirties and have done a lot of a big weekend-getaway weddings, and we’d prefer to keep things simpler; we’re also both very private people who don’t like being the center of attention. We’re thinking of doing a private ceremony with just immediate family, then a “reception” party at a local restaurant or brewery for friends and extended family. So my question is: would you be disappointed if you weren’t invited to the ceremony, and just the reception? Would you think it was weird?

    1. Lcsa99*

      Depends on who the couple is. When it was a friends wedding it seemed like no big deal. When we were almost excluded from my husband’s cousin’s wedding (so her cousin and Aunt and Uncle), they were really hurt.

    2. Your Weird Uncle*

      I think this is very common in my region! That’s how we did our wedding and I don’t think anyone was hurt; we also explained it as venue capacity limitations, which was true. (And frankly I always think the reception is way more fun and I’d rather go to that anyway.)

    3. PX*

      This sounds perfect to me. Am in the UK and its very normal here to split it as you do, small and private ceremony, bigger and more fun reception party.

    4. Reba*

      I think in my home community people would be hurt by this, and I’d want to think carefully about the way I explained it to minimize that.

      OTOH I recently went to a casual wedding reception that followed a courthouse wedding that I did not attend. It was a blast!

      My spouse’s people are from out west–lots of Mormons in the family and temple weddings are family-only, so this would be normal to them. In fact, we had a second wedding reception for that side of the family in Idaho.

      I *COMPLETELY* understand about the center-of-attention issue. But I would encourage you to think through what that’s about for you and don’t just knee-jerk away from it. This is just speaking for myself, but having my people there was amazingly meaningful, even though it was a struggle and I felt so awkward going up there in front of them all (about 90 people). Do it your way, of course, just a perspective from someone who has always hated being on stage, recitals and that sort of thing.

    5. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Two of my friends have done this (one was a family-only ceremony in Hawaii, one was a courthouse wedding, both parties in NYC) and I love it. I love ceremonies too, but these parties tend to be pretty laid-back (even if we dress up) and I think it’s a great solution.

    6. Loopy*

      I’ve read that if it’s truly a small intimate ceremony, this is usually very understandable. It’s when you do weird cut offs (like 40 people for a ceremony and then 70 for the reception) that feels start to get hurt. But saying immediate family only is usually very very understandable. Personally if I was given a very clear distinction, I would wholly understand. If it was only some friends/cousins/siblings, etc. and not others, it would be odd and I might be hurt.

      1. JenM*

        This +1000. I didn’t get an invite to a friend’s wedding because it was family and close friends only. The problem was I thought we were close friends. We’re still friends but I definitely reframed (ugh I can’t think of the right word here) the friendship in my mind.

        1. Betsy*

          I would not be upset at all if I was not a close friend. However, I did feel very upset not to be invited to the wedding of two close friends, recently. They had invited very few people due to very strict venue restrictions, but I’d thought I was in their inner circle, because we spent a lot of time together (and probably more than they spent with their other close friends due to living in proximity). It made me feel like a placeholder friend.

        2. Ermintrude Mulholland*

          This, definitely. It bit quite hard when my bridesmaid didn’t invite me to her ceremony. Which was in a forest…

    7. Monte*

      I would not be hurt, but I also would not attend. In my experience, not inviting people to the ceremony but expecting them to fete you afterwards comes across as either miserly or mean spirited. I think eloping or having a small ceremony and reception are both perfectly legitimate choices. Inviting people to a party on the same day as the ceremony (to wish those guests were not invited) is just really poor form. That said, I live in the US (raised in NY, now Midwest) and I think things are different other places.

      1. Natalie*

        What about it strikes you as miserly, specifically? The reception is generally the expensive part of a wedding, so the reverse (inviting people to the ceremony but not reception) seems more miserly to me.

      2. LAI*

        It wouldn’t be the same day. The ceremony would probably be on a weekday, and the reception a few days later on the weekend. But this is what I was worried about, that people would feel excluded from the important part of the wedding and feel like they were only invited to the part that would obligate them to give a gift (so I was also thinking of saying no gifts).

    8. Pie for Breakfast*

      This was my wedding, ceremony and dinner with immediate family only (and my oldest bestest friend is might as well be family), so like 25 people, and a gathering for friends the next day with desserts and drinks. I was so much more relaxed at the actual ceremony and dinner than if there had been a ton of people around. I heard nothing but positive things afterward.
      The only downside was having to plan two different events two days in a row, even if one was less formal. I was utterly exhausted at the end.
      I’ve been to a couple reception-only events which I was happy to attend. The reception’s the fun part!

    9. Ermintrude Mulholland*

      Tbh Hugely disappointed. I love weddings and being invited only to the reception always seems polite but as though we are missing the wonderful point of the day :(

    10. anonanon*

      This is what we did for our wedding!

      In our experience, all our “just the reception” guests were happy to be there, had a great time, and didn’t put too much thought into the ceremony part. I think people are typically understanding about wanting to keep something small and private. (Plus, the reception is going to be more fun for most people anyway.)

  45. Lauren R*

    So I found a cat that I would love to adopt. She’s so sweet! She’s eight years old (same age as my dog) and very calm but still playful. She really likes being with (or on) her person so they told me to be prepared to have her in my lap a lot or following me around the house “talking” to me which is a nice thought. The big concern I have at the moment isn’t really about her but rather about my dog. I don’t think my dog would react negatively to a cat or anything (she was in a foster home with cats and never showed any interest at all) but to this point I’ve only ever had dogs and one dog at a time. Maybe it’s silly but I’m worried how I’ll divide my time between them in a way that makes sure no one is left out. My dog is very sweet and she’s definitely a little anxious, especially in new situations; she seems to need lots of reassurance in those times that you enjoy having her with you. I don’t want her to feel she’s being “pushed out” if I bring home a cat, and I don’t know if she’s “assertive” enough to just come over and ask for more attention if the cat is there. And I also don’t want to end up going the other way and favoring my dog because it’s what I’m familiar with or to overcompensate for her lack of confidence.

    I know I’m probably overthinking this but I really don’t want to let either animal down and this is new territory for me, not just because I haven’t had a cat before but because it’s strange to think of going from giving all my love/attention/time one pet to dividing it between two. How have others handled this? Does anyone have any advice? The rescue volunteers are very nice but I worry about expressing any uncertainty to them – any suggestions for how I can phrase it? Any advice would be amazing!

    1. Not So NewReader*

      If you have a couch, you could have the cat in your lap and the dog next to you.

      At one point I had a dog and two cats. We took naps together. I got the animals to agree to settling down by putting myself in the middle. The cats were on one side and the dog was on the other side of me. They all knew not to reach across me and just to go to sleep. They got so used to this system, they would surround a napping house guest in the same manner. Yeah, that was funny to see.

      I think you may find that they play with each other and therefore do not need your attention as so much. Or you may find that if one is playing with you the other wanders off and waits their turn.

      You may just end up training them. An announcement like “Okay, tv time and time to cuddle” makes them both come running. I do think that pet parents kind of guide both animals toward the desired behavior. So there will be some of that also. You may not find all your answers before you bring the kitty home. Some of the answers happen in the moment.

      Because my dogs were much bigger than my cats the dogs instinctively understood their responsibility and knew to be gentle with the smaller beings. They have done the same with very small children.

    1. fposte*

      Oh, that’s really interesting, caledonia; thanks. I especially liked the 70-year-old who notes both that we tend to feel disproportionately noble about our own habits and that it requires a fair amount of privilege to opt out.

      I think it’s sadly true that recycling is barely even a bandaid–we just create too much crap. I’ll post in followup a link to one of the many recent articles about this problem with clothes.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Adding, I am shocked by how many people are selling good to brand new clothes for a couple bucks at tag sales. I picked up what has to be a $170 to $200 coat for $1. I paid my dollar and the people did not bat an eye.

          My friend gets bras worth $100 or more each from her friends. The friends buy the bras, never wear them, then dump the bras a while later.

          What is that market called where clothes go from new in the store to Goodwill inside of 6 months time?

    2. Observer*

      What else is interesting is that some of the advice simply ignores the good reasons why certain types of waste happen.

      For instance, the advice to use a handkerchief instead of tissues? That’s SUCH an obvious one that it almost feels like a set up. Pretty much anyone who deals with communicable diseases will tell you that disposable tissues are the way to go. Also, even without that issue, the reality is that if you use a that hanky for more than the occasional dab, it gets gross pretty quickly. That stuff should be going into the waste not sitting in your pocket acting as a breeding ground, then hitting your nose again.

      There was some movement to bad disposable cutlery from fast food places in NY, and there was a lot of pushback from public health types who pointed out that unless you are going to actually make sure that fast food places are washing every piece of cutlery in very high temperatures, you’re looking at a very high rate of disease transmission, even if you never get a single sick employee coming into the place.

      I’m not saying that these is no room for improvement, at all. But it’s important to think through what the side effects of this stuff can be.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      Eep. Just reading this, I can see where I could cut down on some of the single-use plastic in my home. Berries would be hard; I eat a lot of them, and they’re ALL in plastic. We don’t have easy recycling here. I don’t buy any new plastic containers. Everything is Tupperware I bought used, except for a set of containers I got at Tuesday Morning years ago. I’ve been using glass jars more. I could probably cut out sandwich bags altogether and just use containers.

      I already decided not to buy any more straws and am just going through what I have now (I do wash them if they’re still good, and I do have a reusable one). I’ve seen metal ones that last for a long time; I might buy them. I would be glad to pay a little more for biodegradable bin bags, but I haven’t seen those.

      I mostly go to Aldi and bring my own cloth bags, and I keep a foldable bag in my purse at all times, which I bought at Cath Kidston in London. A whole foods store where I shop has biodegradable plastic bags made of cornstarch. Wouldn’t it be nice if all of them were?

  47. C*

    I am excited. I listed my condo for sale on Wednesday (after moving out, getting it painted, & getting the carpets cleaned). I got multiple offers & accepted an offer for $5K over asking this morning (with just a home inspection & chimney inspection)! Settlement before the end of March. And I didn’t have to deal with having showings with a (friendly) small dog in the house & where to take the dog in the winter at potentially short notice.

  48. MissGirl*

    Advice on not liking your good friend’s new boyfriend. I have a friend who’s in a new-ish relationship. They tried dating last year and he wasn’t ready for a commitment but now is. I find him obnoxious and off-putting, which doesn’t matter as long as she likes him.

    The problem is she loses herself in relationships, including friendships, and allows herself to be dominated into unhealthy situations. I have some concerns she’s doing that again but nothing concrete. My plan is to keep my mouth shut and let her figure it out one way or the other. She has plenty of people willing to tell what to do, including him, her parents, and like six siblings.

    I will listen and ask questions but offer no opinions. My only concern is what to say when she asks me what I think of him, which is coming. Saying something like “as long as you’ happy” feels like a cop out but honesty or lying doesn’t feel right either. Thoughts?

    1. Mela*

      I don’t think “as long as your happy” is a cop out at all. I’m not sure how dense your friend is, but if I asked someone’s opinion of a SO and they said that, it would be a loud and clear “I don’t like them” to me.

      Long term, I would give opinions on specific behaviors, especially the controlling stuff that will pop up over time. But yea, big picture opinions or general opinions tend to not go over well.

    2. neverjaunty*

      “Why do you ask?”

      With friends who have these sorts of unhealthy patterns, I find that do-you-like-him questions tend to mean one of two things: they know something’s not cool and want your reassurance (and will be upset when you don’t give it), or they’re using you to externalize their bad feelings. That is, if it’s YOU saying “he’s kind of a jerk”, they can argue with you/decide you’re jealous/shoot down what you’re saying, so they aren’t struggling with those doubts.

      1. Mary Smith*

        I’ve lost friends over telling them, when asked, what I really thought of their significant others. On my bad, I could have been more tactful. However, thinking back to these, if a friend was willing to end their friendship with me over me hating their husband or boyfriend, I’m not sure it was a healthy friendship anyway.

        With that said, I value my friends’ opinions a lot. Once I had a boyfriend who gaslighted me (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201704/7-stages-gaslighting-in-relationship). My friends held an intervention. You know what? They were right. I got rid of him and went with my friends. They are still my best friends. I’m so grateful they did it and I’m so grateful that I was able to swallow my pride and accept that they were, in fact, right, and I was really wrong.

        Is there a way you could set a healthy boundary with yourself? Like “I’ll meet any guy you date once you’ve been with him 6 months?”

        1. MissGirl*

          I’ve met him already. Once she’s in a relationship, she stays for a long time. I think the awkward thing is that all of our outings will include him. I dislike the dude but I have a feeling to see her, I’m going to have to deal with him.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            I think that is the real problem here, not so much this particular dude but the three on a date thing.

          2. Natalie*

            You can (and should) tell her that you want to do things with just her sometimes. It’s absolutely normal and reasonable to not want to always see your friend’s partner with your friend, even if you like the partner.

            If she reacts badly to that, well then, you’re going to have to get into it with her. But that was probably coming anyway. :/

    3. Triple Anon*

      I would be honest about how he comes across to you and what your concerns are, but ask why she likes him. “He strikes me as dishonest. Is he usually like that or was it just that one time?” Some people really are nicer to people they’re closer to so she could be seeing a different side of him.

      Try to bring up your concerns as questions. In my experience, a lot of people get kind of overbearing when expressing concerns about other people’s relationships. Try something like this. “Is he more respectful of your space than Ex was? Does he make you feel good, and appreciated for who you are? You deserve those things.”

    4. Hellanon*

      Keep your mouth shut as much as possible, issue words of praise when he coughs up a example of reasonable behavior, and if you absolutely can’t avoid saying something, some variation on “Wow, honey, you must really enjoy spending time with him,” may help. (This is the phrase I use when called to comment on some ghastly bit of jewelry or unfortunate shoes: “wow, you must really really wearing that.” It’s not nice of me, but hey, gotta say something…)

    5. Not That Jane*

      Captain Awkward has some great advice about that situation! Two of her scripts that I really love:
      – when (if) she shares something that really sounds unhealthy to you, but she doesn’t seem to see how unhealthy it is: “hey, that doesn’t seem like normal relationship problems to me. That actually sounds really worrying.” (I.e. Don’t normalize the bad behavior)
      – when (if) she wants to talk at length about a problem in the relationships: “Wow, that sounds pretty difficult. What do you think you’ll do?” (Focuses on her agency and power to do something, also tends to curb a venting session by making the person focus on actions)

  49. The Other Dawn*

    OK, so after many people telling me many times, on this site as well as IRL, I finally found women’s pants in a tall size at Old Navy!

    I’ve tried finding tall sizes at Old Navy several times; however, I’ve realized they don’t carry them in the store. At least they don’t at the locations I visited. So I finally took the time to look online and found some I didn’t automatically hate. (I hate boot cut and straight leg looks almost the same; neither look right on me.) I bought four pair of the same style (skinny fit) in different colors, and one in a different style (pixie, skinny fit). They all fit, they’re long enough, and I don’t have to return them. Hallelujah!

    You are all welcome to say, “I told you so!” And yes, you were right. :)

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I just went online and ordered more! This time I got two pair of skinny ankle jeans: one in medium wash and the other in periwinkle blue. Can’t wear them to work, but they’ll be good in the spring and summer for home. Their jeans are 50% off this weekend, FYI.

        1. SaraV*

          I’d also suggest looking in the clearance section of the brick & mortar Old Navy. Lots of people order online, and if it doesn’t fit, they return it to the store. They’re almost always at least 50% off. I picked up a pair of jeans last weekend for about $18. I’ve gotten another pair of pants from the sales rack for 75% off, and I saw a pair last weekend that was 90% off…not in my size. Don’t believe there was anything wrong with them, they’d just been there for awhile.

          Glad you found some that you like!

    2. Teach*

      Not sure if you wear leggings, but Old Navy has them in Tall as well. My 15 year old is 6′ tall and really likes the running leggings I ordered her – thick fabric, good quality.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, I love leggings! I bought a pair from Old Navy with this order. They’re for working out and they’re 7/8 length. I got them in Tall and they are just as long as regular leggings and they are SO comfy!

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Yes! I found leggings at ON I can actually wear (and afford). Long Tall Sally has leggings that fit me but gaw they’re so expensive and must be ordered, thus incurring shipping charges.

        They are good quality. I was walking a while ago, and I tripped and fell, but my leggings didn’t even rip!

  50. Nicole76*

    Ugh, I’m feeling so lazy today. I should be meal planning and adding new entries to my blog but I feel so unmotivated. Also, you may have noticed I changed my username slightly as I didn’t want anyone thinking it was me who posted that scathing comment about smokers earlier this week. While I dislike cigarettes and their smell in general, I think that other Nicole’s comment was rather mean.

    Anyway… as a small follow-up to my acid reflux thread a few weeks back, I’ve been avoiding chocolate except for last night when I had a brownie. Surprisingly, no heartburn! I have been taking magnesium & ginger supplements recently, as well as drinking some apple cider vinegar before dinner (ugh, so gross, but it seems to work!) and the reflux has been better. I am looking into adding a good probiotic to the mix so I can have some natural help vs taking those medications that were hurting my kidneys. If anyone has a probiotic recommendation I’m all ears. There are so many out there and I’m trying to find something that is effective but not too expensive. The brand my brother recommended sounds good but comes out to $30 for a month’s supply which is too high. I was hoping for something closer to $15-$20 per month or less.

    1. fposte*

      I’m pleased it worked for you, Nicole, and also a little sorry because chocolate, but you’ll probably begin to develop an idea of when you can have some before you pay a price.

      The research on probiotic supplements isn’t hugely encouraging–specific strains of bacteria have looked to be beneficial for specific problems, but the multistrain supplement approach seems to be most effective at getting people to spend money. So I’d either do some digging about a specific strain that seems likely to help with your heartburn and get one of the cheaper incarnations of the supplement for that, or just start going with yogurt, either nothing-added with the “live and active” cultures seal or with homemade. The latter is probably the most reliable way since somebody’s actually had to test the number of cultures while it was in production, and the storage methods help with their survival.

      1. fposte*

        By “the latter” I mean yogurt over supplements; most people I know do not actually test their homemade yogurt for bacterial numbers :-).

        1. Nicole76*

          Thanks! I have been eating a little yogurt with bananas most mornings and that seems to help. I’ll do more research on the probiotics. Interestingly enough, they helped me get off Nexium years ago but those same probiotics don’t seem to be helping anymore.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Re: probiotics… I’ve done really well adding a ton of fermented foods to my diet. I guess it helps that I love to pickle things. I almost always have homemade kimchi and sauerkraut on hand and I eat a little of one or the other every day. Is that an option for you? Personally, Greek yogurt isn’t great for my heartburn but I eat it almost daily if I’m not having flare-ups. I just put up a mix of carrots, ginger, and fresh turmeric to ferment, and a little of that mixed in with noodles or tofu or even scrambled eggs also keeps my gut healthy.

      I do tend to get a little evangelical about the benefits of fermented foods vs. pills, so I want to stress that I’m not going to give you a “PILLS ARE EVIL” lecture (and some of my friends take probiotic pills daily), but I wanted to put the option out there. Much cheaper and certainly tastier!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Seconding the fermented foods. I got some pickled carrots and pickled beets. The doc said one spoonful a day is plenty. I am not a fermented foods person, however I do try to eat in a manner that is supportive to my body.
        I think the jar is less than $10 and lasts a few weeks. Plus I don’t have to go out of my way to get it.

    3. Elf*

      If you’re really worried about cost on the probiotic you could try making your own Kefir. It’s pretty easy, and definitely a lot cheaper.

    4. Thlayli*

      Wow, to have to choose between acid reflux and no chocolate… I’m so sorry. That’s tough. I don’t know what I’d choose!

    5. Becky*

      I had some acid reflux issues over the past few years and I could only sometimes figure out what triggered it. Sometimes it was obvious (tomato-based foods or spicy food) but most of the time it really wasn’t. Last May I started counting calories to lose weight (I’ve lost 70 pounds so far!) and as part of that I now rarely eat anything later than 5 or 6 pm. It didn’t realize until about December that I haven’t had any acid reflux issues in months. I guess for me the big trigger was any food too near bedtime.

  51. Crylo Ren*

    I’m 30 days out from my wedding in Hawaii (destination wedding, we’re in California).
    We anticipated having a really small celebration, less than 35 guests total. Vast majority of the invitees are my family, who are all local to Hawaii.

    I am really burnt out with the wedding stuff. Part of it is that it is coming up so soon, so I feel like there really isn’t a ton of stuff we can realistically do that won’t just complicate things.

    But really the biggest contributing factor to my “meh”-ness is that we sent out our invitations at the beginning of February and we have not received a SINGLE RSVP.

    (Well, we received one…from the groom’s parents in the UK. As a joke. But hey, at least we know the invitations got somewhere. And we also now know that our online RSVP works).

    My mom called one of my aunts in Hawaii to check in on things. She got this totally encouraging comment: “Oh yeah…I think we had something else planned that day. We’ll let you know.” (Nota bene: so far, they have not, in fact, let her know).

    We sent the standard save-the-dates 6 months ago, my mom has been pretty great about reminding people over text/phone call, and we had also told the whole extended family our plans in person when we visited a year ago. So they all knew this was coming, and they all seemed excited enough when we verbally mentioned our wedding…but now I’m not so sure.

    This whole invitation fiasco has really gotten me down. I can’t really bring myself to get excited about curating my flowers, or the decorations, or putting the finishing touches on the menu.

    Is there a way I can get my wedding mojo back? How do I stop myself from being so discouraged and annoyed with family? :(

    1. Emmie*

      Your wedding is completely about you, and your husband. You’re planning this day for a commitment between you two – not as an event that others are coming to. Call people – either you or someone else. Give them a deadline to reply as “if I don’t hear back by x, I’ll assume you can’t make it and we’ll miss you.” Assume good intentions. People may have really wanted to come, but might not be able to now that it’s close. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your day will be wonderful no matter who attends, and no matter what your flowers look like. I promise!

        1. Emmie*

          I bet it does. The additional verbal deadline with a call drives people to a decision in my experience. It’s unfortunate that people need an extra deadline.

        2. Crylo Ren*

          Yup, it had a deadline of March 9 (to give us time to call everyone before we had to give our final head count to the caterer, venue, etc.). It’s looking like we’ll have to call pretty much everyone.

    2. Big Person*

      Did you put a date on the RSVP? If you didn’t, then start calling now and say something like “just checking since we haven’t heard from you either way, need to know today for catering etc.” and if they say not sure, give them a drop dead date (just a couple days) by which if you haven’t heard from them then you will take that as a no. If you did, then you have to wait until that date to call and then I would give them only 24 hours to make up their mind. I am not sure when people got to thinking that RSVPs don’t matter, but I guess that’s when they haven’t had to rely on getting replies themselves!

      1. Crylo Ren*

        Yup, we did. We put a deadline of March 9 right at the top of the invite in larger text, so it was pretty noticeable.
        I’m thinking it probably has to do with our family not really having had to go to a lot of weddings or events where RSVPs are a thing, so maybe they just…didn’t know what to do with the cards once they got them? Still thought it was pretty clear that, you know, a reply would be appreciated either way :/

    3. Confused Publisher*

      You have ALL my sympathies. Exactly this happened to us, except we’re in the UK and our wedding was taking place in the European country my husband’s family are from. The worst non-responses were from those in the specific city we were getting married in. It really really upset me too.
      But you know what? We just held the ones who didn’t flake out on us that bit closer, and celebrated with them the same. We still ended up married, and now it’s given us a watertight reason not to maintain relationships with people who chose not to get in touch, one way or the other, at all.

      1. Mary Smith*

        I would definitely follow-up and give them a deadline. I learned through my wedding that not everyone is as good as us when it comes to money and they didn’t really plan ahead.

        I agree with the others, focus only on those who show you love and make an effort to come or do something else for you in honor of your wedding if they can’t afford to go.

      2. Crylo Ren*

        Oh no, I’m so sorry to hear that you had the same thing happen to you! :(
        I’m trying to do the same. One of the few things I *am* still excited about is that I will get to speak my heart to my future husband and hear him do the same. And we will be surrounded by people who really, truly love us and wish us well – the circle will just be a little smaller than we anticipated. But that’s okay.
        Congratulations on your marriage! :)

    4. Thlayli*

      Call or text them all now and tell them they need to RSVP by a particular date, or else there won’t be any good for them!

    5. Traveling Teacher*

      Everyone is terrible at replying to everything these days. They’re all hoping something better will come along. If you have everyone’s emails, I’d sent out a preliminary mass-email saying, “We need to hear back by x date for reasons either through this link on our site or with a call/text” and then call the people you can. Maybe since it’s a destination wedding, they’re having second thoughts or a hard time saying no? Sorry you have to deal with this! :(

      1. LAI*

        Agreed, people are terrible. I am one of them. I almost never RSVP to anything until someone reminds me that it’s past whatever deadline they set. I know, I’m terrible. All I can say is, please don’t take it personally and it has absolutely nothing to do with how much I want to be at your event!

      2. Crylo Ren*

        Yeah, my family is notoriously flaky, so I’m trying to just believe the best intentions (or at least, a lack of malicious intentions) and just assume that they just didn’t know what to do with the invitations. Still hurts because the entire reason we’re having it in Hawaii is because they’re all there and it’s no more than a 20 minute drive for most of them :/

    6. Espeon*

      You have my sympathies. I will be married very soon also and honestly, finding out who in your family actually gives a sh-t about you – during what is supposed to be one of the happiest times of your life – is something everyone, somehow, fails to mention about planning a wedding.

      My family all live in other countries, and there are a LOT of them. Not one is coming. Not one. Some of them have totally legitimate reasons, but others who have been going on for years about me getting married just can’t be bothered. I had to chase their RSVP’s too. I am hurt, and I am angry.

      On the plus side, it meant we could invite more friends.

      Sorry – you wanted advice on getting over this kind of disappointment, but all I’ve got is a similar tale :(

      1. Crylo Ren*

        In a weird way, I’m sorry you have to deal with this too, but it’s a little nice to hear that I’m not alone! I’ve been reading a lot of wedding boards on reddit and the like in prep for the wedding and seeing all these brides being so excited and happy just made me feel even more out-of-touch with the whole planning process, you know?

        You have my sympathies as well! I hope everything goes well for yours and you are able to celebrate with those you love! Mazel tov! :)

  52. Tris Prior*

    This might be a really dumb question, but:

    I am finally in a position where we can afford to do some traveling, which we’ve been unable to do for probably about a decade due to life stuff and money issues. I see a lot of people here talking about traveling internationally – the post above about Thailand is what spurred me to post this – and I’m wondering how everyone handles the language barrier, if there is one?

    I’ve only traveled once to a place where I didn’t speak the language – Paris. Beforehand, we took some French classes, but honestly they didn’t really help and I spent a large part of my trip feeling very uncomfortable and dumb, especially when sneered at by French wait staff or shop clerks when I tried clumsily communicating. (That being said, at least I tried – I was a bit embarrassed on behalf of my country when I went up to a crepe stand and the American guy in front of me didn’t even give the cashier the courtesy of a “Parlez vous anglais?” before launching into his order, in English)

    Does everyone just…. wing it? Or do you study the language beforehand? If so, how? I’m still kind of pissed off at how much money we spent on classes that didn’t really help us much. Also had some books, which were a bit helpful in reading French but not in speaking or understanding.

    I took German in school, and probably remember enough to at least accomplish basic things like ordering food and getting directions and buying something in a store, but Boyfriend doesn’t have any desire to visit German-speaking countries. (Nor do I really; I wouldn’t mind going in an I-want-to-see-the-entire-world sense but I’d rather not blow a large amount of money going somewhere that we’re not both excited about.)

    1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      You gesture and talk a lot with your eyes, or at least I did. You try to learn a few phrases (from phrasebooks or from websites/YouTube). And, yeah, you feel stupid/frustrated a lot. (Luckily, I have no shame. :P)

      I suspect it’s a lot easier now than pre-smartphone, actually. When I lived in Taiwan (I do know a little bit of Chinese, but even though my accent’s not that bad no one ever seemed to answer me when I tried speaking Chinese, only English) I would sometimes use the translation app to write out what I was trying to say and then just show them my phone screen. And I’d use Google Maps a lot because not all the street signs were in English, and while I could remember some words, if I had to turn down 5 or 6 different streets to get where I was going I couldn’t remember everything. I also ate a lot of beef because I remembered what the character for beef looked like but couldn’t always remember pork, chicken, duck, etc.

      1. Tris Prior*

        Oh, I didn’t even think of how a smartphone might help that. My Paris trip was in 2006 and I didn’t have a smartphone yet. Good point!

        1. JenM*

          My brother used Google Translate in Spain for things like menus. You simple hover your phone over the menu and you get a translation. You can also download dictionaries so you can use it offline.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      I do some studying. I’m bilingual and I find I pick up at least the basics fairly quickly, especially in Romance languages. In Denmark I was able to understand a bunch of words after about a week (left, right, bathroom, etc). I like at least making the attempt.

      1. Mary Smith*

        I wing it. But then again, I usually go to European countries, where most people are taught English as kids. I do usually check a translation guide out of the library to take with me for food and such, though. There’s certain cultural foods I won’t eat and I’d like to be able to know that ahead of time.

    3. fposte*

      Seconding DSP on translation apps changing the world. I like to know the basic five for any country (Please, thank you, yes, no, and excuse me/sorry) and more if I can because I like languages. However, the notion that it’s important to make an effort is one we often don’t recognize is very culturally inflected in its own right; some places will be annoyed that you apparently assumed their English wasn’t up to the task. I would focus more on things like sign-reading, especially if you’re going to do any driving, and assume that you can muddle through somehow with actual humans, even if everybody isn’t going to be delighted with you.

      1. ..Kat..*

        I do this when I have a patient/family that does not speak English (I am a pediatric ICU nurse in the US). The families seem to appreciate it. Russian was really hard because they string together sounds in a way that is really foreign to me! But I remember one Russian immigrant family that taught me a word or phrase a day. Then I had an Iranian family – Farsi made Russian seem easy by comparison!

          1. Jojobean*

            Arabic is ridiculously hard, you’re right.

            But Farsi/Persian’s really not too bad – beyond the writing, at least (it shares most of the same alphabet as Arabic) it’s actually not that much worse than Latin-based languages to learn. It’s much, much, MUCH less complicated than Arabic (ugh, case endings, amirite).

    4. Sherm*

      Ugh, yeah I know that sensation of feeling like a dunce, especially when many of the locals speak English just fine. But anyways I think knowing some key phrases *can* be helpful (“I want this,” “The bill, please”); maybe you just had some bad luck in Paris. One thing to keep in mind is that, if you are staying at a semi-decent hotel in an area that, say, has dependable electricity, there’s a good chance that the people at the front desk know passable English. Consider your hotel home base, know its geographic location well, and you can return there if you’re really at a loss and could use some tips.

    5. Simone R*

      I feel terrible for saying this, but I have been able to get by with English in almost all countries I’ve been to, especially in the tourist areas. It seems like that is the language of communication even between people for who English is no one’s first language! I had to get very far off the beaten path to even find restaurants that don’t have menus in English. (This applies mostly to Europe).

      1. Phillipa*

        I’ve been fine using English too. I spent some time in a tiny country in Central Asia and even when hiking in remote mountainous areas would come across people who spoke English much better than I could ever hope to speak the native language. Central Asia is pretty inaccessible (for a variety of reasons, including visa issues, lack of tourist infrastructure, etc.) when it comes to English-speaking tourists, but I never found myself having a problem that couldn’t be solved with shared humor. Based on that experience, I’d be pretty confident that more places in Eastern Asia that are more accustomed to tourists would be easily navigable.

      2. Banana*

        Agree. There are so many places to visit where the tourism industry is conducted in English. For example, I traveled to Indonesia recently and had no problems whatsoever.

        France is probably the exception.

      3. Betsy*

        Yes, I’ve done OK in English in a lot of places. I think it’s nice to try to learn a word or two (please/thank you/hello, etc.) but you shouldn’t be expected to learn an entire language for a two week trip. (Conversely, we should be patient with tourists who don’t speak much/ English when they come to English speaking countries).

        In countries where the tourist industry isn’t conducted in English, I’ve had good luck just trying to pronounce words using a phrasebook, or gesticulating wildly. Phrasebooks are good, because you can always open the phrasebook and point to a phrase if you get really stuck, or if you’ve tried saying it out loud but you can’t make yourself understood. I’ve never had problems doing the basics.

    6. Lily Evans*

      I feel like Parisians have a reputation for being particularly rude about language barrier, I definitely experienced it firsthand while I was there too! And I’m not the best French speaker, but I studied it for seven years so I know more than the average tourist and still had issues with people (waitstaff in particular) sneering at my attempts. Only a ticket vendor at Versailles and an Uber driver continued conversations in French rather than condescendingly switching over to English (it would be fine if others had switched to English politely! Just don’t roll your eyes at people making an effort, you know?).

      For other places, though, I’ve tried to know the very basics (hello, goodbye, please, thank you) at least and people have been very polite. I also like to at least be able to read a menu as well, since I’m a vegetarian who hates mushrooms with a passion I like to be able to avoid certain phrases. But I’ve mostly gone to either very touristy cities or places where most people are very good with English as their second language.

    7. LPUK*

      Parisians are noted for their rudeness to everyone, so don’t take that experience as normal! Otherwise, as people have said, knowing a few key words and phrases goes a long way with people, as does a courteous attitude. In most European countries, not only do they speak reasonable English, but they want the opportunity to practice it. When I lived in Germany for two years, I had lots of lessons and tried really hard to use my German when I was out and about, but they would invariably reply in English, so it got a bit disheartening!

      1. Tris Prior*

        It is a huge relief to hear from you and others that our experience might’ve been unique to Paris! I hate feeling stupid and I was trying SO hard and the attitude really did bother me at some points of our trip. (Sometimes we were able to laugh it off afterward, at least.)

      2. Sparkly Librarian*

        So, to tie this thread in with mine about kid-friendly jokes…

        Darth Vader goes to Paris for the first time and goes into a bakery. He’s amazed by the pastries and delicious-looking breads on display. When he gets to the front of the line, he asks — in English — for 3 loaves of bread and 2 apple pies. The Parisienne behind the counter sneers at him and pretends that she didn’t understand. So he takes a deep breath, points to what he wants, and says, [to the tune of the Imperial March] “Pain, pain, pain; tarte tatin, tarte tatin.”

    8. HannahS*

      Learning to say something like, “Pardon me, do you speak English?” in a given language is fine. Say it politely, but you really can’t expect yourself to learn even tourist-level fluency in a completely new language, especially if you’re a casual traveller. In big tourist centres (like Amsterdam, for example), every person who was in a business that served tourists–museum staff, train ticket sellers, airport staff, train staff–either spoke English or was able to find a staff member who did in under 15 seconds. It’s not just to cater to Americans; Australians, Canadians, and Brits also form significant contingents of travellers, and I’ve heard from non-native-English-speaking-relatives that in most parts of Europe, if two people who don’t speak the same language meet and need to communicate, they’ll do it in English because it’s so widely spoken.

      Frankly, if the staff of a shop or restaurant can serve you capably and more efficiently in English than in another language, the most polite thing is to let them do it–it would be far ruder to insist on using them for practice when they’re just trying to move people through. A brief, good faith effort is fine and polite, but it strikes me as a bit…naive, maybe, to think that someone in another country wants you to speak their language more than they want to do their job in the way that’s easiest for them. I was museum staff myself, and we were all perfectly happy to communicate by acting and gestures when needed. I was completely charmed when people with zero fluency managed “hello!” and “thank you!” or even, “what this is?” but once they tried to communicate at a higher level than they were really able to, it just got frustrating for both of us, and meanwhile I might have several other visitors waiting. Just do your best. Try to learn “hello,” “thank you,” “bathroom?” and “sorry, I don’t speak [language].” If you can manage it, try to read the name of your menu order. If not, it’s ok. If people are being jerks when you’ve been perfectly polite, remind yourself that you’re contributing to the local economy, and that it’s unreasonable to profit from one’s city being a major tourist destination while also resenting said tourists for not being locals. Also…from a Canadian to an American, lots of people have lots of FEELINGS about Americans. People’s entire demeanor can change when I tell them I’m Canadian. Sometimes, it’s really not about you personally at all.

      1. Tris Prior*

        Yeah, we’re going to London in a couple months and are a bit worried about anti-American sentiment. We joked about getting shirts made that say “we didn’t vote for him!” and are considering telling people we’re Canadian so folks over there don’t assume we’re jackasses.

        1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

          FWIW, I’m an American living in London right now, and I haven’t encountered any anti-American sentiments here.

        2. Espeon*

          UK person here – Don’t worry, the general assumption is that the kind of people who voted for him are the kind of people who never step foot off their ‘beloved’ American soil.

    9. Thlayli*

      Thailand is much easier to negotiate without the local language than Paris is. All the touristy places are full of English speakers and they don’t expect you to even try to speak the language.

      Paris is notorious for the locals being rude to non-French speakers.

    10. Kuododi*

      Don’t have too much to say as the last time I was out of the country was in the Middle Ages!!! I have intentionally studied Spanish the majority of my academic life and am fluent. I haven’t had any particular problem communicating while in Latin or South American countries. I’m able to understand the fundamentals in other Romance languages…i.e. Portuguese, Italian. Funny thing, when I was taking voice lessons in grad school….my teacher would be working with me on Italian opera pieces and my mind would automatically transfer the pronounciation into Spanish. ;). Much fun!!!

    11. All Hail Queen Sally*

      The most important thing to take with you on a trip to a country where you don’t speak the language is your sense of humor! Most of my travel was ages ago before smart phones, and I would just try to get a phrase book or dictionary to take with me. I used lots of gestures and even sound effects on one occasion to ask what animal the butter was from in a Turkish restaurant (We all had a good laugh.). But I think today English is spoken much more most everywhere, especially in touristy areas. You could try a tour where you have a guide accompany you, or you could always start your overseas adventures with English-speaking countries. I am currently in love with Canada and hope to take my third trip there later this year. And what is it with the Parisians? I had several rude experiences there in the early 1980’s and had no desire to go back for the longest time.

      1. Reba*

        Yes! I like learning a bit of language before traveling–not because I can learn enough to be useful, but for its own sake because I am interested in languages.

        Actually, some of my most memorable/funny experiences from my trip to China were partly caused by language gaps. In one small town, we couldn’t order in a late night trucker type restaurant, so eventually the cook started bring ingredients out from the kitchen and showing them to us. Potato? Shi! Another time: my spouse does speak a very little Chinese, enough to ask “do you have an English menu?” Yo! Turns out the English menu was one staff person who spoke English and told us what to order. It was hilarious; she was right about everything.

    12. Blue_eyes*

      You do have to be comfortable with a certain level of ambiguity and feeling out of your element to enjoy traveling. As others have said, you just sort of muddle through with a few basic phrases in the local language, pointing, and hoping people speak some English. And then let the inevitable misunderstandings become funny travel stories. The only places in Europe that no one really spoke English were a small beach town in former East Germany, and St. Petersburg. In the German beach town, I just got by with pointing and smiling. In St. Petersburg we had a tour guide (would not recommend going to Russia without a tour guide unless you are proficient in Russian).

      When my dad traveled Europe with friends after high school graduation, the first day they were in a new country they would each order a different menu item. After one or two meals, they could figure out which words on the menu meant “beef” or “chicken”.

      I’m going to Spain soon and it will be interesting to see how different travel is with a smart phone. I speak Spanish and have been to Spain multiple times, but having a translation app, google maps, etc at the ready will be a new experience.

    13. Triple Anon*

      There are some good apps and free online resources for language learning. You can use that and regular online content in that language (to get a sense of how people actually talk).

      Also, there are a lot of stereotypes about specific countries. I found it helpful to make my English speaking accent sound neutral so people couldn’t immediately tell where I was from. Of course I was honest when asked. I just mean going about town and interacting with random people, people were friendlier when I came across like an English speaker from Any Country.

    14. Sam Foster*

      I always explore what the customs are to communicate well when one doesn’t speak the native language. For example, the only two times I had trouble in Paris is when I went to a restaurant too close to a tourist zone and once when I forgot to say “bonjour, madame” to the shop owner when I entered. Otherwise people were delightful and we pointed and smiled a lot. The trick was to know that most shop owners have a shop on the bottom floor of their house and when you enter you are entering their home so they’re sneering at the typical American because we’ve barged in without saying hello. TL:DR; Read about the country you want to go to and if there’s something that needs the local language hire a guide from a trustworthy firm.

      1. ..Kat..*

        Good idea – learn a bit about the customs. The bit with the shop owner never would have occurred to me!

    15. Piano Girl*

      A couple of years ago, I, my sister, and our parents traveled through Germany, France, Austria, and Switzerland. I know a little French, and my mom knows a little German. You can get by by being very gracious and kind, and doing your best to remember you are a visitor in their country. We usually found people who spoke English or we muddled through as best we could. Enjoy your travels!

    16. LadyKelvin*

      1. Yes to everyone who says apirisans are rude about their language. The only reason they would speak to us in English was because we also offered to talk to them in German (which they hate even more than English).
      2. I travel a lot in Spain, so I can say enough to make people think I speak Spanish, then they start speaking quickly and I get a deer-in-headlights look that we laugh about and I say, sorry I don’t know any more Spanish, we switch to English and we are fine. Learning hello, thank you, and sorry will get you far.
      3. I have found that in places where the language is particularly difficult to learn or uses a non-romanic alphabet, most people speak English because it is a good common language. I’ve traveled in Taiwan and Greece, and in both places everything was in both the local language and in English because their alphabet is SO different and most travelers speak English even if its not their first language that its a safe bet just to stick to English. Most people also spoke to me in English without prompting, its pretty obvious you are a traveler and if you can speak the local language you just respond in the language and switch.

    17. AcademiaNut*

      There’s a lot of things you can do to help – I travel internationally, and moved to a country where I spoke none of the local language, so I have had a lot of practice. And we visit varied places, so language classes wouldn’t be practical.

      First, learn how to say “hello” and “thank-you” in the local language. Also “toilet.” You can do a lot with those three words and a lot of sign language and expressions. Being able to recognize “exit”, “entrance”, “male”, female” in signs helps a lot too.

      Google translate is awesome for travel! Download the dictionary for the language, so you can use it even when offline. You can type in a sentence (the more basic the better), click translate, and then turn your phone sideways to get a large text version of the sentence to show to people. The image translate can be useful too – taking a picture works better than the hover – but can help with things like menus.

      Get the name and address of your hotel printed in the local language, and also the names of major tourist attractions or places you want to visit. You can then show it to a taxi driver, or a local if you need directions. If you’re a vegetarian or something like that, have the phrases “I am a vegetarian” or “Does this dish have X in it” printed out.

      In general – being good natured about your language issues, and patient, goes a long way. And you have to be willing to go with the flow a lot. In touristy areas, there are often people who speak a little English, but if you’re going off the beaten path it can be quite different. I’ve gotten help from lovely people by showing a printed map to my hotel with a questioning look.

      Another general tip – have the generic names of any medications you take written down. Brand names change a lot from country to county, so being able to ask a pharmacist for Loperamide is a lot more useful than asking for immodium.

      The one caveat I would say for the above is if you have medically based food restrictions. I don’t have problems with this, but if I had a dangerous allergy I really wouldn’t be willing to work through a language barrier in a foreign culture to determine if something had peanuts in it. Other countries often have very different allergy/food sensitivity situations too, so even if you can communicate “is this gluten free” the question might be meaningless to them. Even with some of the local language, I occasionally order stuff I’m not expecting.

      Oh, and in general, a language that shares an alphabet with English is much easier to work with. You can look up things in a phrase book, for one thing. Something like Korean or Thai, where I can’t even identify letters, is much harder. In both those countries, I have ordered in restaurants by pointing to a random item on the menu and seeing what showed up.

    18. CA Teacher*

      When we were in Paris this summer we found that the people were really quite wonderful once we tried (and inevitably failed) to use our smartphone French. We’d fumble through something and they would immediately switch to English and were very pleasant. I think a lot of Americans are given a bad name by the people who don’t even *try* to use the native language somewhere.

      1. TL -*

        My Israeli boss went to Paris and was ignored when he spoke French – the clerk just straight up instead he couldn’t understand him. Boss switched to Spanish and suddenly his request was somehow crystal clear.

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          Stephen Clarke’s book Paris Revealed has the whole first chapter explaining the Parisians. It also includes essential phrases to be used so as not to annoy them.

      2. Natalie*

        Yeah, I was wondering what I’m doing wrong (or right, I guess) in Paris because I didn’t interact with more rude people than us normal in a big city. And no, I don’t speak French.

      3. Tris Prior*

        I agree that we get a bad name for not at least trying. If people want to switch to English (and some did – not everyone was a jerk about it) because I’m struggling, I have no problem with that but at least I know I tried, you know?

      4. Reba*

        In my experience living in Paris last year (I speak French but am obviously non-native-speaker) it depended a lot on where in the city I was — places closer to touristed areas had both more English speakers and more snippiness, sorta makes sense, whereas out in the neighborhoods I was often treated warmly.

    19. Candy*

      I spent a year traveling and found learning the basics (hello, thank you, sorry) were enough to get by in most places. And except for the Middle East where there weren’t a lot of people familiar with English, most of the time when I’d ask someone if they spoke English they’d say, oh no very little… and then they’d proceed to speak perfect English! I know everyone says Parisians are rude but I never experienced that. I was there for five months and found saying désolé je ne parle française with an apologetic smile was enough to have everyone switch to English or allow me to pantomime what I wanted.

  53. Lissa*

    Advice on a mental health issue, I guess…. so I’m in the process of looking for help but it’s a long slog because of reasons which blah. Anyway, I’ve struggled for a long time with anxiety spirals and intrusive thoughts. These manifest in a lot of different ways, very often will be my brain latching onto one interaction and playing it in my mind over and over again. It’s usually something like, oh, a joke I made that landed slightly wrong or a disagreement on a social/political issue. At the time it’ll be fine but later on I will work myself into a panic attack over it. The intrusive thoughts are a weird mirror of this in that I will imagine myself saying the worst, most offensive thing possible in a situation and be totally unable to stop thinking about it. I have *never* actually said it out loud, but it’s very upsetting, and often not things I remotely believe.

    Now here’s the weird part. Both these issues crop up SO much worse around interaction involving my best friend “Anna”. I love her, we’ve been friends for many years, but for the past 2 years or so, every time after an in-person interaction, I have a panic attack revolving around some interaction we had. Interactions with her consume a good part of my intrusive thoughts and anxiety brain, even compared to people I see *much* more often. She lives a couple hours away so many of our interactions are online, and our online interactions rarely trigger it, certainly not on a level higher than it would with other people. I think part of the reason this happened is that I have had a lot of conversations, with her and other people, in the recent political climate that revolve around basically, stopping being friends with people for having particular views/disagreements, and she’s always very strongly “I would never be friends with anyone who has X Y or Z bad beliefs.” So somehow my brain has decided that I am going to somehow compulsively say/do something that I don’t mean at all and she’ll stop being friends with me. Or that she will take an interaction we had and decide she now hates me.

    The thing is, I know all this is just weird and not rational. But I guess what I’m asking is – should I say anything to her? She’s always been super socially conscious and I don’t think would judge me at all for having mental health issues, but I mean…how messed up is it to tell someone “for some reason this has manifested in a way that revolves around you, even though this is in no way related to anything you’ve done”…it just feels like not a great explanation. But I’m at the point where I’m freaked out about seeing her in person because I know I’ll likely have a major spiral/panic attack and give my brain all sorts of delightful ammunition to attack me with.

    (sorry if this post is a bit incoherent, I’m still having a hard time coming to terms with all this..)

    1. fposte*

      I think it depends on what you want from her about this. Do you need to take a break from her? It would be kind to explain to her it’s not a reflection on her if so. I would shy away from doing it if you were seeking her to reassure you you’re okay, because that seems too likely to be feeding into the pattern.

      It is unfortunately really common with a lot of mental issues to suggest that you will be what you fear and to interfere with something you really love. You haven’t mentioned whether or not you’re undergoing treatment, but what you’re talking about sounds OCD-related enough that you might want to look into CBT or, more specifically, ERP, if you’re not already; there are some not-bad YouTube videos if you want to just explore.

      1. Lissa*

        I’m in the very very early stages of trying to get treatment – it’s hard because I don’t really know where to start, and my brain keeps getting in the way as part of my “thing” is that I’m convinced I’m actually making everything up and am fine, and any psychologist/therapist will immediately know I’m a faker. I’ve heard of CBT, but not ERP, so I will have to Google it and look at those videos. I have done a bit of reading recently on OCD and I don’t want to self diagnose but everything I’ve read sounds pretty spot on, and explains a *lot* if it’s true.

        I’m not sure if I need a break, honestly. I still love spending time with her and the issues rarely flare up during our interactions, just after. We chat online a bunch which has always been fine, but I feel like it would be really…obvious…to be like “going through some stuff and can’t hang out” when I am still seeing other people pretty regularly, and we have a lot of the same friends so it would have to be a pretty elaborate lie. Yeah, I definitely don’t want to get her to reassure me! I’ve been on the other side of that dynamic and it’s…not good. What I really want to do is be like “I’m afraid I’m going to blurt out horrible racist things that I in no way believe because my brain is sabotaging me!” but from everything I’ve read, people with intrusive thoughts pretty much never actually do the thing they are thinking about.

        1. fposte*

          That worry that you’re faking is really, really common. I would encourage you to start just by saying “I have these intrusive thoughts and I’d like to explore treatment. It sounds kind of like OCD to me, but whatever it is, I’d like to treat it.”

          ERP is Exposure Response Therapy–it’s the most recommended treatment by OCD specialists.

    2. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      I wouldn’t tell her that she’s causing you to have panic attacks. Maybe something less specific like “I’m having some mental health issues and need some space” to keep it about you. I know if someone told me I was causing their panic attacks it would feel like they were blaming me even if, intellectually, I knew they weren’t really trying to, and it would affect my view of them/our friendship much more negatively than “I need some space.”

      I hope things get better for you soon.

      1. Mary Smith*

        I agree. I would keep it about you.

        Have you explored what she represents to you? I’m thinking she symbolically represents something else that causes you anxiety. For example, I get anxious around mother figures because my mother was so terrible. And, I get anxious around anyone I truly love because I’m nervous of messing it up, actually feeling feelings, etc.

        1. Lissa*

          I think this is a good point, and I suspect to me maybe she represents the fear that there’s something inside me that is so rotten that “good” people won’t want to be my friend – she is one of the most moral people I know (not in a religious sense, she’s atheist actually!) SO I feel on some level like I’m not “good enough” for her, because I have terrible thoughts all the time and she’s one of those people who doesn’t understand/experience schadenfreude or laugh at dumb criminal stories.

          1. Betsy*

            Hey, I bet you’re on the right track. Most of my intrusive thoughts centre on the idea that I might not be good enough in some way and might secretly just be a bad person.

            So you know the thoughts are just thoughts and they’re trying to make you feel like you’re not worthy or love or friendship or a good job, or whatever they’re trying to convince you that you don’t deserve on that day.

            I have not had any friends judge me when telling them about my intrusive thoughts/OCD (yours might not be OCD necessarily, as intrusive thoughts can also just be part of anxiety and/or may be subclinical and not bad enough to be diagnosed as a disorder). Of course, someone could judge you, but in my experience I’m telling them what I think is the worst thing about me, and they think it’s no real problem.

            It’s up to you if you want to tell her, but don’t avoid her, because this kind of anxiety unfortunately thrives on avoidance, and if you were doing exposure response prevention you’d be encouraged to spend more time with whatever is making you anxious.

            Don’t worry about not being mad enough to be in therapy. Honestly, people go because they’re not sure about their relationship, or they’re struggling at work, or they don’t think they’re a good mother. You’ll just be one of many people who have an issue they find difficult to manage on their own and have sought out help.

            1. Not That Jane*

              I totally agree that this can be a good thing to share with people, and that I’ve never had anyone judge me for sharing it. When I first told my husband that I was terrified to be visualizing him falling off the bridge we had just walked over, and that I had similar thoughts sometimes about other situations, he just said, “Yeah, me too, sometimes. I think it’s pretty normal.”

    3. Simone R*

      Friendships are about being honest with each other (mostly…). This is playing a huge part in how you are interacting with her so I think you owe it to her and your friendship to say something.

      What about “You say I would never be friends with anyone who has X Y or Z bad beliefs” and this makes me nervous you’re going to drop me as a friend at the drop of a hat if you disagree with something I say. This friendship is really important to me, so I hope you’d talk it through with me if I say something that upsets you.” My guess is that she will always be giving you the benefit of the doubt since you’re close and it might help you to hear it!

    4. Sherm*

      If you’re afraid that you’re going to blurt out beliefs that you don’t believe in, that’s not gonna happen. It’s no more likely than your uncontrollably letting out a string of F-bombs. That’s just the irrational part of your brain talking. So there’s really no need to give Anna any sort of warning or pre-emptive explanation. If you have good reason to think that your anxiety is causing Anna to wonder what’s wrong, one option would be to say “oh, I’m dealing with some anxiety, but it’s not you!” — and I hope you are dealing with it!

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I am going the opposite way of everyone else. The last time I had this level of discomfort in a friendship it was because I needed to ditch the friend. After that other things settled down too.

      I suggest as part of therapy you consider what else might be going on in this friendship. It could be nothing or it could be something you have been ignoring.

      1. Lissa*

        This is interesting, because it is something I have considered (if the friendship is the issue). I think that she definitely has some traits that play badly off my anxiety – she is very firm in her beliefs, and I am more waffly and tend to be able to see all sides of an argument even when I don’t want to. Some of this works into recent discourse about debating “the other side” in politics so I won’t get into that here (we’re both on the same side politically and agree on like 90% of things) and how it affects my brain, but in short…I guess I don’t think she’s done anything wrong, but it’s something I have thought about quite a bit up till recently when I noticed how angsty I was about the friendship. But, recent realizations about mental health stuff makes me think it is me, not her, and that I should try sorting some of that out and see how things go then.

        1. Reba*

          “me not her” — but it doesn’t have to be anyone’s *fault* for the relationship to be hard or incompatible. It can just be that way.

    6. ..Kat..*

      I recommend starting by googling International Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Foundation. They have a lot of good information to help you determine if you have OCD (I am trying hard not to diagnose, but I have OCD and what you are describing sounds really familiar). They also tell you how to find effective help. For me, it was an incredible relief to know what I had, that it was common and nothing to be ashamed of, and there was effective treatment. Even before I got treatment, I was able to tell myself, “ha,ha. This is a symptom of OCD” and it would worry me less and I would be less likely to have an anxiety attack. And treatment made my life a lot better.

    7. Not That Jane*

      I have intrusive thoughts too, including some of the “Oh God what if I said [terrible hurtful thing] right now” variety. But also, mostly, they are mini-horror movies playing over and over in my head about someone, sometimes me, hurting or killing the people I love most. They’re incredibly disturbing and scary to me. :(

      What I’ve read/realized that’s been helpful:
      1) Intrusive thoughts like this tend to be the flip side of a value. So like, whoever you love most / whatever you value most, that’s what they tend to fixate on.
      2) I feel personally like the more energy I give them in terms of feeling bad that they are happening, feeling scared, getting anxious or guilty… the more likely they are to keep happening. It’s like they feed off my fear. So now I instead try to just say, “Huh, there’s that thought again. OK, moving on, I wonder when our daffodils are going to bloom?”
      3) I also try to interpret them as my brain’s misguided attempt to warn me about dangers in my environment. So, my intrusive thoughts tend to focus on whatever is present in the environment. If I’m cutting up veggies for dinner? I start visualizing ways my daughter could get hurt with the knife. If we’re walking across a bridge? I start worrying about someone falling. This is super ingrained for me, to the point that I’ve realized that my very earliest memory is of worrying that my baby sister would fall out of her stroller.
      4) I read that these intrusive thoughts are actually incredibly common. Like, certain categories of intrusive thoughts are actually experienced by more than half the population. The difference with folks who have OCD or anxiety isn’t in the presence of intrusive thoughts; it’s in how much distress they cause us.

      2. Janeitenoir*

        Thank you for this comment! It’s so similar to what I’m experiencing and trying to get a handle on – especially the first point, about whatever I love or value most is what it focuses on.

  54. Wendy Darling*

    I need a new mattress because my medium-spendy national-brand mattress has gone to crap in under 5 years and I am now sleeping in a big me-shaped divot. I’m fat and have a bad back so I’m now trying to find something that will be both comfortable AND durable.

    Mattresses are *complicated* now though! Innerspring, polyfoam, memory foam, latex… I laid on a latex mattress at a store and it was absolutely wonderful but it was also almost $5000 for a queen. So that’s a no. Now I’m trying to find latex mattresses in the $1500-2000 range. My partner would happily sleep on anything marginally softer than the floor which makes things both easier (I don’t really have to consider his preferences) and harder (he’s no help narrowing it down).

    1. fposte*

      Ikea has latex mattresses–have you tried theirs? I’ve also heard of somebody who just piled up a few latex toppers; voilà, a mattress.

    2. LPUK*

      I’d shop around for latex mattresses – that cost seems very expensive. I am in UK and got a latex mattress from John Lewis ( always good quality, but not renowned for cheap products ) for less than £1k

    3. Reba*

      Latex! Cost an arm and a leg, supposedly last forever. Can be a serious PITA to move with. I’m in love with mine.

      1. Reba*

        Oh, to try to be more helpful, we got ours from a company called Spindle Mattress. Queens are about 1400. They were great to work with and they have explanatory videos.

        1. Wendy Darling*

          Apparently I am too fat for their products. :( But I have found some places that sell latex mattresses hefty enough for my fat ass for under $2k, so that’s good!

    5. Megan*

      I’ve really enjoyed our mattress, which we got from tuft and needle, and it’s only $575 for a queen: https://www.tuftandneedle.com/mattress/?size=tn23q

      I’m also not thin and have back issues, and no divot problems with the mattress in our first two years with it.

      They only have one or two stores, so you unfortunately probably can’t try it out before you buy it, but if you decide you don’t like it in the first 100 days, you can return it for a full refund. They vacuum pack it and ship it to you in a surprisingly small box.

    6. Chaordic One*

      The February issue of Consumer Reports magazine had its cover story about mattresses. It might be worth checking out. You could probably find the magazine at your local public library if you don’t want to buy it.

  55. Mary Smith*

    My husband (a major introvert) and I (a major extrovert) are both really independent people. We do a lot of things together, but also a lot of things on our own without each other too, which works well overall. However, I do like him to come along with me to things every once in a while. Unfortuantely, they are usually things he doesn’t like, like dinner with friends or things with large crowds. Not only do I enjoy things more when I share them with him, but I think it’s important that my friends know him because my friends are my family and, in some cases, like late night events or large crowds, it’s safer to have him with me too if I can’t find someone else to go. He, on the other hand, says that “whether I go with him or not” makes no difference on how much he enjoys something he wants to do, which, while I don’t say it much to him, hurts my feelings, because it means so much to me when he goes with me and it’s hard for me to understand, I take it as I don’t add value. He’s asked me to explain WHY (he’s very logical and clinical, not emotional) I get more out of an event if he goes along. Any thoughts on how I could explain it to him? Anyone else have this type of dynamic? Overall, we’re very happy, it’s just something I’d like to resolve.

    1. neverjaunty*

      He’s not being logical and clinical. He’s using a facade of being logical and clinical to bolster his own emotional needs (being introverted is an emotional response, not a “logical” one).

      He’s also making some emotional and logically very wrong assumptions here:
      1) Because a thing (you being along) doesn’t matter to him, it is therefore something that shouldn’t matter to you, and his emotions are the baseline and the only right ones.
      2) You are not allowed to have emotional needs involving him unless you can justify them to him with an argument he deems sufficiently logical.

      I mean, the dude is your husband. Part of signing up for a partnership is that you occasionally do things that make the other person happy even if they’re not 100% the same things that won’t make you happy.

      I’d turn it around on him and ask him to explain WHY he believes his own preferences should dictate mine.

      2. Mary Smith*

        Yes, I agree. He does struggle to understand that a) not everyone feels the same way he does and that b) their feelings are just as valid as his.

        1. neverjaunty*

          Which is, again, a failure of logic on his part ;)

          With this type of dude, you will never get anywhere trying to “prove” you’re allowed to have feelings or that your feelings are correct, because the logic is a tool, not a principle. He’s just as emotional as you are, but he’s disguising that by placing you in the role of the Illogical Emotional One and convincing you there is one right, objectively correct answer that, by an amazing coincidence, only he is qualified to evaluate.

          1. Mary Smith*

            That’s a really great point, thank you! I know this, but I need to hear it from others sometimes!

            I did tell him the other day “Having you with me creates an emotional bond between us for me, and that manifests itself often as a form of foreplay.” THAT seemed to motivate him! ;-)

            1. neverjaunty*

              “Well I still don’t care about my wife’s feelings, but if it gets me laid, I’m all for it”? Duuuuude.

          2. HannahS*

            Yep, and this is a common and enraging male/female dynamic where we can never, ever be right because we (and our crazy uteri) will always be emotional and he (and his manly man brain) will always be logical and right.

            1. HannahS*

              Also, I’m an introvert and I manage to show up to social events that I don’t want to go to for the sake of maintaining good family relationships. It’s entirely possible. If it’s important to the people I love, I manage. Sometimes that means I go early and leave early, or that I don’t go to every event, but I go.

              1. Kj*

                True. I work a people-heavy job as an introvert and I still spend time with the people I love. It isn’t easy, but it it is important.

        2. fposte*

          To be fair, you’re both struggling with this. I’m on your side because you’re the one here asking, but I don’t think either of you are right or wrong; you’re just negotiating a preference difference and a style difference in discussing that preference.

          My overall thought is that sometimes when he doesn’t want to go he shouldn’t have to and sometimes he should go because it makes you happy. (Which you don’t have to agree with–I’m just giving my Court of Internet Randos ruling.) And right now it seems like you guys are litigating every instance rather than having an overall policy about what “sometimes” means.

          It also might help if you were able to separate this from the question of valuing you. Not to go all Love Languages on you, but it might be interesting for you guys to talk a little about what makes each of you feel valued. For your guy it demonstrably isn’t “being with me when I go out”–so what is it? Maybe being able to identify emotional analogues both for what makes you feel loved and for what doesn’t delight the recipient the way you thought could be useful here.

          1. neverjaunty*

            Not wanting to go to social events a lot is certainly not a right/wrong issue, but playing the “logic” card in this manner is BS.

    2. fposte*

      I’m going to back up another level and ask what you hope this good explanation will do. Do you hope it will convince him to do it more? I might lean toward taking another tack, if so; for instance, could you agree to a numerical approach where you get X number of times to say “this one’s important to me–you need to come”? That way he doesn’t have to understand why this particular event is important and what his presence confers on it for you–he just knows that this one is worth spending in your request economy and he’s agreed to honor that.

      (I can be on both sides of this one, since both opinions seem perfectly valid and defensible to me. I don’t want never to be able to come with a partner; I also don’t want always to have to.)

      1. Mary Smith*

        I’m hoping he’ll do it more without it being a huge chore to him and having to explain to him, each time I ask him, why he should go with me.

        Me asking him usually goes something like this:
        Me: “Will you go to dinner with my friends and I?”
        “Why do you need me to go? You’re friends will be there”
        “I don’t need you to go, but I have more fun when you’re there with me”
        “Why? What about me being there makes it more fun?”
        (and this is where I’m stumped on how to respond)

        When he asks me to go to something it usually goes down like this:
        Him: “I’m going to x, do you want to do with me?”
        “Would you like me to go with you?”
        “Either way is fine with me. I don’t care”
        “Would it make you happy for me to go along”
        “My happiness isn’t related to whether you go along or not”
        (this is when I feel hurt feelings coming up)

          1. Parenthetically*

            Point out the dialogue. “Hey, every time I ask you to go to a social event with me, you grill me about WHY I ‘need’ you with me. It takes forever and I hate it. I need you to hear me when I say: I enjoy being with you at these events. I don’t ‘need’ you there; I want you there because I love you and enjoy spending time with you at social occasions. What I NEED from you is to accept what I say and stop making me play this game where I have to prove to you that my reasons are good enough to ask you to come along. It’s not about that and I’m tired of this back and forth. I think differently than you do about this and I need you to stop trying to make me play by your rules.”

            And then, kindly, you need to stop trying to make him play by your rules. You think of things in X way. He thinks of things in Y way. You’re walking into getting your feelings hurt by starting up on “Would it make you happy for me to go along” instead of taking his invitation at face value and just going or not going depending on your preference. He doesn’t think in the same way you do, so stop trying to force him into a dialogue where you know it’s going to end with an answer that doesn’t satisfy you. Ask yourself if YOU want to go along because spending time with him will make YOU happy, and stop worrying about managing his emotions about it.

        2. neverjaunty*

          Try this:

          “I don’t need to to understand or accept that I am happier when you are there. I just need you to believe me when I am telling you what my own feelings are.”

        4. King Friday XIII*

          To approach this from another angle, saying you want him to be more social without it being a huge chore to him is basically wanting to manage his emotions. If he’s an introvert, it’s going to be a huge chore. I get it, I’m married to an introvert and Queen Sara will do things with me when I ask her to or even because she wants to and it’s still exhausting for her because she’s an introvert.

          I don’t know if this is the case with your husband, but if she invites me to do something with her, it’s a huge sign of trust to begin with because she defaults to doing things alone, but she also likes to spend time with me. He’ll enjoy himself whether you go or not; he’s going because he’ll enjoy it. But can you frame it to yourself that he’s inviting you because you’ve told him you enjoy doing things in his company and this is his way of trying to do something that’s important to you?

        5. KayEss*

          As the introvert in an introvert-extrovert relationship, I don’t generally care to interact with my husband’s friends and he doesn’t consider it enough of a priority to push the issue, but FWIW your husband does sound like he’s being a little bit of a putz about this. Especially with the logical/clinical stuff, that’s total bunk.

          That being said, you may have to revise your expectations to only significant events–I would be quite grumpy being expected to go out for a random monthly dinner with my husband’s gaming group, but if he asked me to attend a dinner toasting the end of their season or something I would definitely go (and graciously) to celebrate with him. Please remember that as enriching as you find being surrounded by all these people you love and who love you… he’s looking at several hours of uncomfortable, high-effort interaction with people he isn’t particularly close to but are important to you. It’s like a business dinner with clients and your boss.

          I do think you’re kind of shooting yourself in the foot in that second conversation, however. Personally, the pattern of that interaction raises my hackles because it sounds like something my mom would say in a very manipulative way… answering “would you like to do X with me?” with “would you like me to?” reads to me like you WOULDN’T actually like to do X with me, but want to know how much relationship “currency” doing it anyway will get you. If I’m inviting you to something, it should be a given that I would enjoy the pleasure of your company! But if you (like my mom) then expect me to praise and pet you and go on and on about how great it was for us to do this together… well, under those circumstances there are many things I’d rather do alone. He’s simply never going to mean the same thing with that question that you seem to, so you need to train yourself to not hear whatever script you’re trying to make it fit and just take the invitation at face value. Go or don’t go based on whether you want to go or not go to the thing he’s going to, without it being a referendum of your entire marriage.

          Unfortunately you may have to sit down and have a deep negotiation with him about expectations in your relationship and how often he is willing to accompany you and then stick to that schedule/number, which I realize is deeply unsexy and not the way we imagine love should work, but realistically he is not going to suddenly notice that you are unhappy and change–the status quo is working fine for him.

          1. fposte*

            Yes, I’m wondering if what Mary really wants is for him to *want* them to go to things together. And I think this is understandable, but I also think that’s not the kind of thing people generally change on. Maybe she could be okay with “I love you, and even though sharing this experience isn’t my thing, I’m willing to ask you to join me sometimes because I know you like that and that’s important to me”; hopefully also he could muster an “I will try to be less argumentative when you ask me to join you, and will say yes occasionally because I love you and also say an honest no occasionally.”

            1. Mary Smith*

              Yeah, I agree. I think I need to adjust and just translate “Will you go with me?” to “he’d like me to go” vs. expecting him to say that. And understand that I shouldn’t get my feeling shurt if he doesn’t care if I go.

          2. Myrin*

            Yeah, personality-wise, I’m much more like the husband in this scenario (other than that I don’t fall anywhere on the “-vert”-scale; social interaction neither exhausts nor invigorates me, but that’s beside the point here) but he’s behaving majorly weird about basically anything in this situation, like he’s an alien who has no clue about human interaction.

            “Why? What about me being there makes it more fun?” is such a strange thing to say here because while I, too, don’t really feel a difference in enjoyment whether I go somewhere alone or not, it’s certainly a very widely-known concept that people enjoy spending time with their SO. It’s not like Mary’s feelings on this are very out-there or obscure.

            (OTOH, I’d also feel quite weirded out if someone met my invitation to accompany me somewhere with a “Would you like me to go with you?”, nevermind a “Would it make you happy for me to go along”. I mean. Yes? I wouldn’t ask you if I didn’t? I will not burst at the seams with happiness and dance on clouds for days on end but I’ll still enjoy it or else I would just inform you of my plans of going somewhere? It sounds like there’s some communication-style issues on both ends here although the husband is being obnoxious about it.)

            1. Fortitude Jones*

              Totally agree with your second paragraph. I thought the exact same thing when I read this earlier, but didn’t know how to articulate it. If your husband asks you if you want to go somewhere with him and you do, why not just say yes and go? You already know he doesn’t place the same emotional weight on this as you, so essentially trying to coax him into having the same emotional response you have seems counterproductive and crazy-making (and as someone who’s a lot like your husband, I can tell you, it’s not going to work).

          3. the gold digger*

            stick to that schedule/number, which I realize is deeply unsexy and not the way we imagine love should work

            I’m the introvert and Primo is the extrovert. Our deal is I will attend three political events with him this campaign (not including the events he hosts). That’s it. I hate going out and I especially hate going to political events, but I will go to three – the number of three – events with him instead of staying at home doing my thing.

            Primo is also a person who wants to know “why” on everything from me (even not related to going out – Why don’t I like that song? Why didn’t I eat the last bit of brownie? Why didn’t I finish that book?) and is very happy to explain all of his reasoning to me, even about why he doesn’t want pinto beans or winter squash or ANYTHING AT ALL.

            Sometime ago, someone in this forum wrote something about how children who grow up in abusive households are often forced to justify their feelings and suddenly, Primo’s long-winded, not-asked-for explanations for every single binary question I asked him made sense.

            Now, when I ask him if he wants X, I tell him, “It doesn’t matter to me why you do or do not want this. You are important enough to me that just the fact that you do/don’t want it is reason for me to act. You don’t need to explain, justify, or defend what you want. I will do what you want JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT IT.”

        6. Not So NewReader*

          This guy can turn everything into a root canal procedure. But I went through some weird conversations with my husband, so there is that.

          I agree with changing your conversation patterns especially if he is asking the same questions over and over.

          “Why do you need me to go?”
          “You are my husband and I am inviting you to join me. That is what spouses do is invite each other to go to things together.”

          “Why? What about me being there makes it more fun?”
          “I did not get married to be alone. I got married to have a partner to share life with.I want to share this event with you.”

          The second conversation kind of bothered me, I can see what you are driving at but I think that point should be handled at a different time when you are not talking about going to a specific event.
          My advice is to stop asking him if he wants you there. It’s a variation on the same thing he is asking you.

          You are both asking each other if you are wanted and both coming up with empty answers or answers that are not meaningful to the recipient.

          I think that when you are having a quiet day at home, you two need to make a pot of coffee or tea and chat.
          Tell him that you are tired of these circular conversations and you want to talk about resolving the questions for once and for all.

          Put some time in before you make that pot of coffee, figuring out what it is you want that you are not getting. You will need to be able to explain this to him, so prep time is important. Your question “Would you like me to go with you” might telegraph more than you realize. It might tell him that you are not sure if you want him around and therefore you cannot be sure if he wants you around. It would be good if you could ditch that particular question as it’s not producing anything positive.
          Instead ask him what he likes the two of you to do together. Explain that doing things together from time to time is very important to you. What are his ideas on this?
          Then explain that sometimes couples do things with each other that one of them does not enjoy. This is part of being a couple. Let him know that he can expect you to invite him to things, while it is okay to say no sometimes, it’s not okay to turn it into 27 questions every time you invite him some where. (All those questions are exhausting and frankly, I would be wondering why I married the guy.)

          I would also ask about the thing with his happiness isn’t related to whether you go along or not. Ask him what that means. The trick here is to not mention any of your assumptions or reads on that comment. Let the question stand open ended and wait for his answer. I know what my guy would say, “Well, it would be better if you were there, but I will still have fun because I will see Bob and Joe and Pete. So I will enjoy those visits.” My guy suffered from incomplete thoughts, he would start a thought and then not give me the rest of the story.

          I could be reading too much in to these conversation snippets but I am wondering if you guys compliment each other, I mean, as in praise each other. Again, it could be me overthinking but there seems to be a disconnect going on and it almost looks like you both are searching for your couple-ness.

          There is a book, I have forgotten the name of it, that talks about the stages of marriage. There is a stage where both partners start to define/assert their individuality while remaining a couple. This can get dangerous as people can lose each other entirely.

          I was only married for 23 years, together 27. Many couples go longer than that. I did notice as we went along we had to regroup and rethink what we were doing. Part of this was because of aging and part of this was because our life needs had changed. What I valued when I first got married was not the same thing that I valued at year 15. Shifts happen. For example, I stopped placing a high value on picnics and I put a high value on going to the doctor with me. That is the aging process. We do have to tell our spouses when these shifts happen or when it occurs to us that X is now important to us. Sometimes we can underestimate how important a thing is, so we need to say that also. “I underestimated how important it is to me that you come to my dad’s birthday party. I now realize it’s actually pretty important to me.”

          In short, it looks like you guys are caught going around in circles. Find a spot to break the circular pattern and use point that to start new habits.

        7. Blue Eagle*

          You might want to re-read this particular comment of yours to get a better feel of the dynamic here.

          Your husband doesn’t get why it makes you happy when he accompanies you because it doesn’t affect his happiness one way or the other if you accompany him. You get your feelings hurt when he says his happiness isn’t affected whether or not you accompany him.

          You both think differently and don’t get why the other person doesn’t think like you.

          Maybe the answer is to not justify one way or the other as “better” or “right” and just realize that you think/feel differently. If he asks if you would like to accompany him, decide if you would enjoy it or not and choose accordingly without making him make you feel good that he wants you to accompany him. If you want him to accompany you, don’t try to explain how it makes YOU happy because it sounds like he won’t get it, maybe try responding how it makes you more invested in the marriage or how when he accompanies you it makes you more attracted to him (or like you mentioned earlier that it is a part of foreplay) i.e. it’s not about you but about the marriage.

          Hope this helps.

    3. Temperance*

      Okay, I’m “logical and clinical”, to a fault, even, and this is not okay. It is also not part of being “logical and clinical”. It’s a totally normal thing to want your partner to know your friends. I’m sorry, but dinner with friends is super low stakes. So many people hide behind introversion as an excuse to be rude.

      You shouldn’t have to explain to a grown man who is also your husband why you want him to spend time with you.

    4. Banana*

      It’s a trap. His asking you to explain why is just setting himself up to not have to do something he doesn’t want to do. When he says, “tell me why?” is the subtext “If you can come up with an answer that satisfies me, I will comply”?

      Because that’s really uncool. Kind of by definition, no answer will satisfy him, because he is asking you to reorganize your feelings into his own feelings framework. The very point is that they are YOUR feelings, not his. So no answer or explanation that feels true to you will fit in with something he feels is reasonable. And because you will fail the test, he will “reason” that he then does not have to take your feelings into consideration.

      Now, I’m a person who would rather do anything by myself rather than have someone come along with me who wasn’t 100% enthusiastic about doing the thing. And the thought of having to go hang out with someone else’s friends is, for me, just terrifying. That sounds like the worst way to spend an evening ever. But you can be an introvert without telling extroverts their feelings and experiences and preferences aren’t valid.

      Your “I’d really like you to come to X because it makes it fun for me” is totally valid, on its own. No explanation should be needed.

      His “I really would not enjoy that” is also valid, of course.

    5. ..Kat..*

      Ask him to go only sometimes (specify X number of times a month). But take separate cars. Agree that he will meet you and your friends for pre-dinner drinks, then he will leave and the rest of you will stay for dinner. “Sorry, husband has to leave early, but he didn’t want to miss all the fun.” Or he stays for the first hour of a party and then has to leave to take care of some things at home. Or whatever. As an introvert, these outings can be very draining for him, but if he knows he is only staying a short amount of time, they become bearable (and maybe even enjoyable). Also, ask him to come to the party for ten people not the party for 100 people.

    6. Betsy*

      I was the introvert in my previous relationship and we had this exact same dynamic. Ultimately, I think you might have to compromise about the events he comes along to.

      Are there particular friends of yours (or yours and his?) that he prefers to spend time with?

      I know for me that I hated hanging out with some of my ex’s friends and would always be in a terrible mood beforehand. So eventually I got out of hanging out with her religious friends (it’s the majority religion in my country and I absolutely have nothing against it, but I found this particular group of believers to be a bit smug and judgmental). I felt pretty neutral leaning to happy to go to work things and she had a couple of close gay male friends who were lovely I just loved to go out to dinner with.

      Different levels of introversion and extroversion are definite problems, but I think there’s also often an incompatibility in tastes, and maybe your husband would like to go out to an art gallery but hate a crowded concert. I think we each imagine our friends to be great, but even as the introvert in the scenario, I had some friends my ex didn’t see the point of, and I certainly thought some of her friends were people who I would never willingly choose to spend time with if not forced.

    7. Librarygal30*

      It’s a perfectly reasonable question, though. Why do you get more out of an event just because of one person’s presence? If you like what you are doing, and who you are with, why does one person’s presence mean so much more? If you know he doesn’t like things with large crowds, why do you ask him to go? Are these friends of yours, or mutual friends? My ex’s friends were not my friends, and while they were nice people, didn’t mean I had any desire to spend hours with them. Do you have an agreement along the lines of “I won’t ask you to go with me all the time, but once a month (or whatever time frame you want), would you go out to dinner with me and my friends/activity you want him to do?” If not, why not? You are an independent adult, and have your own friends/interests, so surely you can do things without him even though you want him there?
      As a super introvert, anytime someone tells me “Because I want you to” x, I get super on guard. Can I say no? What will happen if I say no? Will they respect my decision, or badger me about it? If they badger, it’s just easier to go, even though I don’t want to, and then I resent them (and myself). I also don’t ask someone to join me for an activity unless I really want them along. If I ask, all I need is a yes/no answer. Anything other than that will make me say “never mind, I’ll go by myself.”

  56. nep*

    Oh, joy — happy snail mail. A book I ordered arrived today. I learned only recently that one of my favourite artists, Ry Cooder, has written a book of stories; had to get it. Looking forward to this.
    (Ended up ordering from AbeBooks — quick and the book’s in great shape. Thanks, all, for the used-book-source suggestions.)

  57. Cristina in England*

    I’m in a bit of a funk tonight. Earlier today my husband said that he was going to move some boxes into the attic. I said that I could put a movie on for the kids and get involved. He said “we don’t work well together.” I think I reacted fairly well by saying that if he wanted me to try and get rid of stuff and reduce the number of boxes, put them where I can get to them, otherwise it doesn’t matter. But I am so stung by his pronouncement on the matter, like there is no further action to be taken. We don’t work well together.

    It flashed me right back to when he told me he wanted to leave last summer. He reneged and said he wanted to work it out, probably after I told him we should, but it is more like we are existing and raising our young children but not actually talking or doing any relationship work at all. It sucks. Sorry to be a downer. I don’t know if I want advice or not I am just… wanting to be seen since I live with someone determined not to acknowledge my feelings.

    1. caledonia*

      That’s tough Cristina, even without what happened last year. Of course it’s hurtful. In relationships you are supposed to be a team.

      Things you could do – try and find some space in which to talk (and not just about the children) which I understand is quite difficult with two young children. Do you think that counselling might help, even counselling for just you might be helpful. A date night, even maybe once a month? Although I am not a parent myself I believe that it can be very hard for the first few years because young children take up a lot of time and emotional needs. Sometimes you just need to hold on and wait for it to get easier (hopefully).

      *internet hugs if welcome are offered*

      1. Cristina in England*

        Thanks very much Caledonia, internet hugs are appreciated. You’re right of course about getting time together. I am hoping that when he has a bit of a break from lecturing over Easter we can do some fun family stuff together. In truth I’m kind of trying to hang on by my fingernails until my younger child starts preschool, then we genuinely will be able to have a daytime date without the kids.

    2. neverjaunty*

      No advice, just acknowledgement that this is a crappy situation and you have every right to be upset.

      1. Cristina in England*

        Thanks. Nope, he is completely against counseling. I admit I am not crazy about the idea and logistically it is not feasible until my younger one is in preschool, but a structured time to sit and chat about only our stuff would be incredibly valuable.

        1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

          Is a part time baby sitter off the table? Even just to occupy them in another room while you talk at home or watch them while you guys run out to a fast casual place to eat for an hour or so.

          1. Cristina in England*

            Brief cultural aside: babysitters are… nonexistent here as they are in the US. Growing up in the US it was very common to have a teenager come over and babysit your kids. I did this for many years. But here it is really regulated and people don’t seem to have the neighbor’s kid babysit. I’m happy to be proven wrong on this, it’s just what I’ve observed living in cities in Scotland and England.

            As for my own problem, actually I do have an extremely generous neighbor who would be happy to look after my kids for an afternoon. I will keep this in my back pocket, thanks. My bigger problem is getting him to agree to talk about this stuff. For all the hundreds of hours we have spent talking, he really hates talking about relationship stuff and has recently moved towards an avoidance model wherein if we don’t talk about it, we can’t argue about it, and he really wants to avoid arguments.

            1. Traveling Teacher*

              So cool that you have such a kind neighbor. Can you do a kid swap with another parent if the neighbor isn’t available? That’s what I do for my own psych appointment because the appointment is only 30 mins long. I drop mine off with a friend who’s on the way to the appointment and pick up straight after. He does the same with his kid when he has a quick appointment.

              Going to therapy has improved my life/coping strategies immensely, and I wish I had gone years before, so I hope that you can do therapy or another time/activity that’s just for you.

            2. Cambridge Comma*

              There are tonnes of threads on Mumsnet about people’s teenagers babysitting so I think it must be still fairly prevalent; I did a lot if babysitting when I was a teenager (in the Home Counties). I think the trouble is that when you have small children you may not know parents of teenagers, and with teenage babysitters you want to know the family too.

              1. Cristina in England*

                Oh yeah, so true. Plus we moved to this city four years ago and we don’t have any family here, but this neighbour I mentioned is in the process of becoming a child minder so if I can hang on until September the stars will align to make a few things easier for me.

                1. Thlayli*

                  I think it’s more of a class thing in the British isles. Middle class people are less likely to get the neighbours kid to babysit than working class people are.

                  (For non-UK readers, yes, class is still very very much a thing in the UK).

        2. Natalie*

          How about counseling just for you? It sounds like there’s a lot going on that it would be helpful for you to talk out with someone that isn’t your spouse.

          1. Teach*

            Seconding this. My therapist helps me process things my husband says or does and role play conversations or responses.

          2. Cristina in England*

            Yes I think I am going to have to take another stab at this. I investigated services through my GPs office but I’m not eligible for anything on the NHS. I think it’s worth it to look into private therapy at this point.

        3. ..Kat..*

          Therapy just for you might be helpful. Can you drop the kids at a daycare since baby sitters are not a thing in your country?

          1. Cristina in England*

            Yes I think that I will seriously investigate finding a private therapist in my area. I can start looking now and when I find a place, I have a very generous neighbor who is coincidentally undergoing the process of becoming a child minder. So I think this is actually a real possibility, in September if not before. I feel hopeful!

          2. Cristina in England*

            Oh weird, my comment went to moderation (keywords? too many posts too soon?) but thank you Kat, I have a neighbor who I think can help,

            1. Thlayli*

              Probably the word stab. Violent words go to moderation. (I never realised how often I use words relating to violence till I started posting here).

    4. Merci Dee*

      It sounds to me like you’re living day to day, waiting for the other shoe to drop. He said he wanted to leave and then let you talk him out of it. But it doesn’t sound like he’s done anything since to work on the situation. Of course I don’t have knowledge of everything going on in your home and relationship, but it doesn’t really sound like anything has gotten substantially better since last summer.

      I’m so sorry. It can’t be easy to be in such a situation. Maybe it would be worth it to do some hard thinking about where you are, where you want to be, and what it would take to get there. Have a firm idea for all this in mind before you talk to your husband about it. Walk him through your thought process, and give him some time to think about what you’ve said if he needs it.

      It sounds like you just can’t deal with things continuing as they are, and you deserve so much more than what you’ve got right now. I wish you nothing but the best with working this out.

      1. Cristina in England*

        Thank you. Yes waiting for the other shoe to drop is pretty accurate. Last summer wasn’t the first time he has told me he wants to leave. Unfortunately it hasn’t happened before. Always in moments of anger. Then he eventually calms down. But I feel so trapped, like I don’t want to rock the boat. Because I am at home looking after a 2yo and a 5yo and certain things I like about my life, like having the privilege to spend so much time with my kids, depends completely on him being the breadwinner and our family being intact. But I also don’t get any time to myself so sometimes I resent our arrangement. So yeah, something needs to be done or else I’ll end up walking out the door once the kids are in secondary school (around here this is when they generally walk themselves to/from).

        1. ..Kat..*

          Can you start squirreling money away in an emergency fund for you and your kids? Just knowing the money is there – even if it isn’t much – might give you some peace of mind as you navigate this.

          Lots of internet hugs and understanding being sent your way.

          1. Cristina in England*

            Ooh good one. Yes I have an emergency fund (literally an “if you leave me” fund). But it hasn’t grown in a while. I should add a bit for my own peace of mind.

        2. Thlayli*

          You know… if that’s what you want to do… that’s ok. I know the common advice is “you deserve love if you don’t love each other break up break up now.” But really there is a lot to be said for having an intact family while your kids are young and having the ability to stay home with them and so on. I know lots of people who stayed together for the sake of the kids when they were young and just lived together as co-parents but not lovers. It’s a LOT more common than people realise.

          1. Cristina in England*

            Thank you so much for this. I was afraid I would get a lot of “leave him now” comments but that isn’t what I want. He is the one who has said he wanted to leave, not me. And for those wondering why we even got together, he is really… present when he talks to you. He will never have a conversation with the kids half-listening while doing something on his phone. He is always fully listening and present. He can’t tune stuff out. That’s part of the problem. I want some company while I do mundane stuff, he wants to do the stuff alone and separately, have an intense conversation. We don’t have time for that at this point in our lives. When the kids do get attention from him it is full attention. I guess I can live with that being the reason I don’t get it, for now, but not forever.

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              So for it’s worth, I’d think about what you’re modeling for your kids re: healthy relationships. My parents stayed together way too long because they thought it would be better for me and my sister, and without going into all the details, it was very much Not Better for us. It caused real problems that took a lot of work to unravel — both as a result of having a deeply unhappy mom (especially right around the ages your kids are now), and as a result of them modeling toxic relationship dynamics to us (and if you’re thinking they’re too young to pick up on those, the 5-year-old is about to be not too young for that).

              That said, if your husband is still up for having intense conversations with you and that’s what makes him feel connected, and it’s not happening for lack of time (which I think is what you described above but I could be wrong), I’d argue one of the most important things you could do for your marriage right now, and for each of you individually, is to find time for that, whatever it takes. I’m sure that’s easier said than done, though.

              1. Ask a Manager* Post author

                I sometimes feel weird leaving comments like this because they show up with these special blue markings and I don’t want to imply I have special expertise on topics like these simply by being the blog owner. I do not. But I feel so strongly about this having been on the kid side of it, and I think my mom (and we) could have benefitted so much by someone talking to her about this while there was still time to reconsider her plan, so I hope you don’t mind it.

                1. Windchime*

                  You do have expertise because you lived it. But I understand what you mean. I am one of four daughters (no brothers) who grew up in a house with an angry, depressed, anxious mother who always treated our dad with disdain. They have been married for 60 years and she still treats him that way. Of my three sisters and I, we have all been married or long-term partnered at least once, and none of us has remained so. We are all single and without romantic partners (and we are all in our 40’s and 50’s). I believe it’s because we saw “relationships” as being full of strife and conflict.

                  So yeah. Having a troubled relationship being your model does affect the kids.

                2. Cristina in England*

                  Thanks, Alison and Windchime, for offering the perspective of how my kids might be affected by all of this. My 5yo is a particular concern because she so challenging anyway and is incredibly sensitive to my patience level. I have been pretty aware lately that what they get from me all day is a task-focused crab and what they get from him is Attentive Dad (for 30 minutes at a time). I have a lot of resentment towards him and maybe that should my focus, on getting the things I need instead of martyring myself and being miserable (this I learned from my mother, though my husband has actually been helpful in identifying this and encouraging me not to do it). A top candidate for a therapy topic, probably. I really appreciate your perspective since holding onto all that is so toxic and I have seen it in my own mother but I need to be reminded.

                  He is responsive when I do clearly say what I would like him to do differently. He can be pretty blunt with his opinions but is weirdly indirect about unexpected things (literally he thinks it’s weird that I prefer him to say “can you not leave stuff in front of the things I need in the morning?” instead of “there’s crap everywhere I effing hate it”). But he acknowledges this now and has tried to make direct requests since I’ve asked him to. So I think there is hope. I just want have our marriage be happy. I don’t want to be anywhere else.

                  Windchime, your description of your parents rings true for me— my parents have been married for 40 years and my mother sometimes oozes disdain for my father. It’s such a toxic model. I would love to be able to address problems as they happen, in a calm, matter of fact, and non adversarial way, instead of not knowing what to say in the moment and then spending 24-72 hours feeling angry, hurt and defeated. But I haven’t learned how. Another top candidate for therapy.

                  (BTW Alison I have found you have a great way of being both concise and insightful on the topic of Emotional Baggage From Our Family Of Origin, and so I don’t think the blue bars have conferred any authority you haven’t earned already many times over!)

            2. Thlayli*

              It seems like you still love him and at heart you have a communication problem. I think as a pp said you might benefit from some individual counselling even if he continues to refuse to go.

              Also, remember the 5yo May be old enough to give you some of the company you want while doing mundane things. My kids love coming shopping and folding laundry and all that stuff and we are trying to get them into the safer part od cooking too. Obviously you have to be careful not to let the kids become an emotional crutch (sadly this is common in single parent families) but if it’s just meaningless chatter you’re after – kids are great at that!

              If you do want to try working on your marriage I would suggest you take advantage of the neighbours offer and go out for some husband/wife time. Or look online for babysitters. There’s lots od websites for ad-hoc childcare and a lot of the profiles are women who work in early childhood education looking for extra cash. There’s even some agencies that vet them and you can book through the agency. It’s a bit pricier than the neighbours teenage daughter though. Or as another pp said try swapping babysitting with another couple. You go mind your buddy’s kids some night while she goes out with hubby, and you swop the following week.

              1. Thlayli*

                Also if you want to have a deep intense conversation – one topic might be “what would realistically happen for our kids if we broke up”. From a financial perspective it is very likely you would have to go back to work – unless he earns enough to pay for you to stay at home and have two separate places to live, and would be willing to support that. Who would be responsible for childcare costs while you work. How would you share custody. What financial support would the non-custodial parent give. What sort of job would you get. What areas could you big afford to live. How would the kids travel over and back and how would visitation work. What would happen with dating for you both. Then consider is that what you want for your kids, or would you rather stick with it until they are in university, in college, young teenagers, or slightly older pre-teens. And if you are going to stick with the setup you have now, are you both willing to put in the effort to try to fix your marriage, or would you rather formalise it and be just roommates and co-parents but not in a romantic relationship. How would that work etc.

                i know a lot of people who had an idealised view of breaking up, but in reality it’s often not a good situation. There doesn’t seem to be any abuse emotional or otherwise so you may be able to solve the issues and avoid all the the court battle / barring order / garnishing wages for child support that is the reality for lots of people.

                But even when it’s amicable what tends to usually happen is the mother takes the kids Sunday to Friday. They live with dad Saturday. He gives the minimum amount of money he’s obliged to (which I believe in the UK is 12% of his gross salary for more than one child when the kids are living with him one day a week). Mother is responsible for childcare costs Sunday to Friday. He usually ends up significantly better off financially and can bring the kids on fun day trips on Saturday while mum is stuck at home trying to cram a weeks worth of housework into one day and worrying about paying the electricity bill and dreading the inevitable call to her ex begging for more cash. This is unfortunately the reality for people on the lower end of the income spectrum, and is a big reason people do stay together and put up with less than perfect relationships. I know money isn’t everything, but when you are poor it sure as hell feels like it. Living in that sort of situation puts a lot of stress on kids also. Especially when their parents are arguing all the time about money at drop-offs and pickups.

                Of course if you could get a great job a lot of that stress wouldn’t apply.

                Since you still love him, if you can convince him to work on it, I think you should give your marriage another try.

                1. Cristina in England*

                  Thanks, you’re really right about all of that, thanks. Thsnks especially for the breakdown of how it would all shake out if we split up. I really don’t want to split up! We definitely have communication problems and also no time together. I think you are all totally right that I need to prioritise time together without the kids, and also therapy for me. Especially so since I need to think out loud to even process my thoughts.

                2. Thlayli*

                  I could be completely wrong about all of it – it’s all very specific to circumstances. But I’ve seen a lot of people assume the grass is greener on the other side about this, and I think it’s important to have realistic expectations. Hopefully your situation would not be as dire as the worst case scenario abuve though!

                  After reading your comments above it seems like there are quite a few communication issues in your marriage. I do think you may taken on a little of the martyr role – again very very common. But the important thing is there does seem to be love there still on both sides so I really think you can save this marriage – but only if you work together.

                  My husband and I both grew up in unhappy families – and we have to work hard sometimes to figure out ways to communicate with each other. But what works for us is that we recognise that we are not perfect and we both have our issues and both of us can be difficult and we are willing to work hard to get through the problems and give our children what neither of us had.

                  One big thing that helps is one on one time with each other and with the kids (with only two you can split up the kids and have one on one quality time with each kid each week). As the kids get older it does get much easier to do this.

                  Good luck with it x

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Ugh. My heart fell as I read this. Not something anyone wants to hear.

      You are still with him. So it must be that you want this to work. Why not push a little? Ask him what he thinks the two of you can do so that you work better together. Hey, he threw it out there in the light of day, could it be that he wants the two of you to fix this? I would be more upset if he said nothing.

      I have been fortunate to acquire a human guardian angel friend who does contract work. He has been doing repairs on my house for a few years. One of the running conversations we have had is about marriages and work. As friends we got insights that we missed when we were married (to other people). It does take extra communication to layout any work, it’s not intuitive that the other person will do X and I will do Y. And both people have to flex. I do not do ladders, period. My friend threw out the idea of driving his truck close to the house so I could stand on the bed of the truck and pass the shingles up to him that way rather than standing on a ladder. This worked. The two of us got 1800 pounds of shingles up on the roof so he could nail them on. (I thought I was going to die before it was over, so I flexed on this one also.) A well thought out design for work flow can save a lot of arguing.

      Fatigue is an enemy in any project. I remember a couple times my friend said to me, “You did as I asked but not as I wanted.” Meaning he had a poor word choice when he told me to do X he wanted Y. It’s good to recognize our own short comings and foibles.

      There were a couple things he installed for me that I had asked him to install. I never dreamed there was more than one way to install that Thing. When I got home I was surprised. Technical ignorance can be a bear that bites ya.

      There are many, many reasons why couples end up arguing over a work project. The weak points can be points to create new standard operating procedures. My friend could not find the particular paint I wanted used. He spent time looking for it then decided not to paint that day. He was mad that he could not paint, but he knew if he painted the wrong color I would be the angry one. So the lesson for me was to have an SOP where I put the paint out before I left for work. He got the paint color right each and every time.

      Maybe your husband is interested in building a new plan for old problems. I hope.

      1. Cristina in England*

        Thank you, I hope so too. I am into making new SOPs, and I appreciate your story about working with your friend. Sounds like a good friend!

    6. Anon for this*

      My husband and I don’t work well together either. We both speak English as our first language, but sometimes I wonder. We approach things differently, it’s hard for him to explain things so I can understand what he means, and he’s very particular about certain things being done just right. So it’s easier for him to just do it himself. And we’re not one of those couples who can cook together. Either he cooks alone or I cook alone, but we can’t keep out of each other’s way if we’re in the kitchen together. And I’m mostly cool with it. I’m happy to let him clean the garage on his own, but sometimes I’d like us to be one of those couples that cooks together. It does hurt a little that we can’t. And he does so much, I like to help where I can. It’s taken nearly 20 years, but I’ve gradually gotten him accustomed to my helping with certain projects under certain circumstances. But even if I hadn’t, it would just be one of those quirks of our relationship.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. It must be very hard and I’m sure you were very hurt by his wanting to leave. But you can have a healthy and happy relationship while not being able to work well together in this way. Try to re-frame his statement to he’s never thought you work well together and in the interest of fresh starts and avoiding frustration, he’s (poorly) expressing how he feels about how you work together on things like this. And maybe he doesn’t have the same faith in videos as you do and he felt it was easier for him to do it himself while you watched the kids. If you do more of the childcare, you’re probably more used to kids interrupting than he is. I think you reacted well, but try and give him the benefit of the doubt. Later you could try talking about how he thinks you don’t work together and see if you can find a solution, even if it’s agreeing it’s OK to “divide and conquer.”

      Also, you are not making him stay in this marriage. He was able to decide to leave by himself and he decided to stay by himself. He didn’t have to change his mind. You may have given him a good reason to stay, but it was still his decision.

      1. Cristina in England*

        Thank you very much. Yeah I am definitely in a similar place re:divide and conquer. I would like to be able to do things together but I have recently realized that when he mentions a project he isn’t asking for my input, he is giving me a heads up on what’s he plans to do on his own. And realising that, I felt much better! I am really trying to look for the positive with these revelations and moments of understanding and I felt like he used it as a chance to put me down. It was kind of a shock and felt unprovoked so maybe it was unintentional, but what I want is for us to positively embrace a divide and conquer strategy if that’s the only thing that will work for us.

        And thanks, you’re right he decided to stay. I don’t know why he did, but he did. Thanks.

    7. Anon 4 this*

      This is unfortunately how my so and I seem to be. He won’t go to counseling. He won’t talk about it. When I say something about our issues, it starts a fight and he does nothing to work on things. It will be the end of us. The timing right now just isn’t good and would put me in a bad situation. It’s like living with a roommate, not an SO. He seems to be just fine with this, I am not. I’m so sorry you’re going through the same thing. *big Internet hugs* We see you and you matter!

      1. Cristina in England*

        Thank you so much. That sucks that your SO seems fine with being a roommate. I see you too! You are not alone.

    8. Rahera*

      I’m really sorry to hear about your situation, Cristina. There is nothing harder than trying to reach out to someone and not feeling heard. I wonder if this might be a time for you to consider counselling, perhaps on your own for the time being so you have a safe place where you can be unequivocally heard. Thinking of you and wishing you the best. :)

    9. Clever Name*

      Man, that’s rough. I had a similar moment of awakening in my marriage when my then husband said to me that we weren’t lovers and he didn’t have romantic feelings for me. It was like a switch flipped and I was just done. I’m divorced now, and I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time. You’ll get through this.

    10. Anonymous Poster*

      I’m only commenting as a husband that has a difficult time with confrontation, and a wife that is much more comfortable with it than I am. That also means I have a lot of trouble having the types of conversations that are really necessary to make sure our marriage stays strong. Unfortunately, that often means my wife has to initiate the tough conversations, which isn’t fair to her. But it’s important to making our marriage work!

      I needed a lot of deescalation and active listening, and that’s how I was able to feel comfortable enough saying what I needed to say and having us both get to the point of the problem. We a couple through our church that we go to from time to time when we’re frustrated with one another, that helps quite a bit. They’re people we both respect a great deal, and they help lend us perspective.

      My wife and I at one point in our marriage got to the “We don’t work well together” point for some things, but not everything. It was banal stuff, like cooking in the kitchen, or cleaning. We had to actually sit down and talk through how to do these things together, which required a lot of patience for one another. We simply assumed the other person would do it the way we expected. It wasn’t any fun.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. Is there any mutually respected couple you can talk to, so you can try and get to the root of the problem? Maybe some support system, perhaps through your religious organization or some social club you’re connected to? Even couples’ counseling, if one person doesn’t want to go, can be a boon. It can be helpful to get that perspective even from just one person’s point of view, and that counselor may be able to help you reach out.

      I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope it all turns out well.

      1. Cristina in England*

        Thank you very much for this. It’s funny you mention de-escalation because I noted a post in this past Friday’s open thread mentioning it (a school security guard posted about teachers/administrators who seem to use escalation as a technique (unsuccessfully) and someone else mentioned a book on de-escalation). So it’s on my mind as something to focus on. I really really need this technique for my daughter too so I am hoping it will improve family harmony generally. Thanks again.

  58. Fake old Converse shoes (not in the US)*

    I’d like your opinion about something.

    Last week I had a final. Since I have a long commute to campus, I arrived early to have lunch and read my notes before the exam. I didn’t knew, but the first exam for the admission course was scheduled for that same day.
    I was surprised by how the aspiring freshers were dressed. Some of them were ok, but others’ choices ranged from wardrobe malfunction to deliberately showing their underwear and even private parts. There was a teenage girl that wore a crocheted bra and shorts that bearly covered her breasts and bottom, and whenever she was near me I felt extremely uncomfortable.
    There is no such thing as a dress code here, so I asked in the unofficial forum how would the teachers handle this. Apparently they’re strongly advised not to address it, since it could be considered discrimination or sexual harassment. Last year one course made us give a presentation in front of the class, and a dress code was suggested (but not enforced), but this hardly happens.

    How would a state university handle this in your country?

    1. Simone R*

      Were they just sitting to write an exam? Then I don’t think there’s any specific reason to dress up/no university in the US would mention something to them. Not sure what the exam situation is in your country but in the US people showed up to take SATs in whatever they wanted to wear. Are you wondering how teachers would handle it if they showed up to class dressed that way? Unless there’s a dress code at a university, I don’t think the professors would say anything.

      If there was some sort of interview part then I guess they should have dressed more formally for the visit.

    2. Dear liza dear liza*

      I’m in the US. For presentations, my students’ grades included “dressing appropriately.” For day to day wear, I’d never say anything. There are no dress codes- and actually, my students shared horror stories about the dress codes in their high schools. Girls were always singled out, and people of color and girls who were more curvy were targeted.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Not a state U but where I went to college how people were dressed was totally ignored. People came to class in their pajamas and it was okay.

    4. Betsy*

      The country where I am now makes university students wear uniforms. Universities in my own country don’t care about what students wear. Other students might look at them oddly if they’re really wearing something inappropriate, so it would probably just result in the natural consequences of that student not easily making friends. In my experience most people just dress down in casual clothes- t-shirts and shorts. I don’t see it as my role to tell students how to dress.

  59. Reba*

    What’s cookin this weekend?

    We’re doing homemade pasta, round 2. Can I say that last weekend was a learning experience?

    1. Lcsa99*

      It gets easier the more you do it! Good luck, it is definitely worth it (we can’t wait to try ravioli again).

      This weekend we’re going easy. Chicken and homemade biscuits.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Bruschetta. (I make it closer to toast, still some chewiness in the middle of the bread.) Lots of different vegetable toppings, plus soft cheese and something like sausage.

      I make egg pasta once every week or two; it’s my son’s favorite.

    3. Middle School Teacher*

      Chili tonight, lettuce wraps tomorrow. I was lazy last weekend and ended up eatin mostly pasta over the last week, and now I feel gross. I love carbs but they don’t love me.

    5. Blue_eyes*

      Today I made 4 batches of dough for hamantaschen and put them in the fridge. I’ll bake them next weekend before our Purim party. For fillings I have strawberry jam, apricot jam, fig jam + goat cheese, and nutella.
      (If the preceding sentences made no sense to you: hamantaschen are traditional triangle shaped filled cookies for the Jewish holiday of Purim. Purim is sort of like Jewish Halloween – costumes + booze).

      1. Parenthetically*

        Oooh, what dough do you use? I’d love to make homemade hamantaschen. Happy Purim for this week!

        1. Blue_eyes*

          I’ve used a few different recipes over the years, but the one I’ve settled on is “Buttery Hamantaschen” from ToriAvey dot com.

          1. Bluebell*

            Dough prep is on my list for tomorrow. Our family does ones with chocolate cookie dough, as well as the more traditional vanilla dough.

            1. Blue_eyes*

              Chocolate dough sounds amazing! I saw on facebook that an acquaintance had made ones with rainbow striped dough which looked awesome (but probably really hard to pull off).

    6. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Slow-cooked beef in rice wine, sesame oil, with root veggies, soy sauce, and a pinch of sriracha. 1st time making it too….

    7. Kristen*

      I made fried chicken and it turned out great! I’m upset though because I didn’t make enough delicious cole slaw to go with it.

    8. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Cassoulet! Never made it before but what could go too wrong with beans, sausage and chicken?

    9. Parenthetically*

      Spatchcocking a chicken to roast with lots of butter, sage, and thyme tomorrow! Weekends are for leftovers at our house, so we don’t do a lot of cooking typically. This week we’ve got lots of nice things, though, including my husband’s glorious Moroccanish meatballs.

    11. Overeducated*

      Yesterday was boxed brownies and Moroccan style chickpea and kale stew, today was French onion soup and gingerbread cookies (had half a batch of dough from the holidays in the freezer, a rainy day seemed like a good time to use it up).

      All good, but the cook time estimate on the onion soup was nowhere near accurate, which is one of my frequent recipe pet peeves. This one didn’t count the time spent chopping the onions (srsly?), asserted you could caramelize them in 15-20 minutes (no), and apparently didn’t account for the instant pot coming to pressure either (it did not take 5 minutes). I KNEW it would take longer but God help the frazzled person who actually thinks it will take 30 minutes on a weeknight!

  60. Merci Dee*

    Yay! 3 weeks after I got rear-ended on the interstate, I finally got my car back! It’s beautiful – the work the body shop did was so wonderful. There’s no sign of the damage from the accident, and they were even able to smooth my license plate back into usable condition. So glad to have my baby back, even if it does smell like a nail salon because of the new paint! :)

    1. periwinkle*

      Okay, so that’s what it smells like! I just got my car back from the body shop, too, and could not remember what the aroma reminded me of…

      Funny how I have no incidents for decades until I buy a bright red SUV. And somehow two different people have managed to run into this large red object while it’s not even moving. Sigh.

      1. Merci Dee*

        It’s like one of those blue insect lights. People are mesmerized by the bright and the shiny and the red. They don’t realize they’re driving to their doom until they run into you.

        I have always loved your itty bitty kitty pic, by the way. That’s just about the color of my cat. And my car, now that I think about it.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      I know the feeling! When I nearly got t-boned in 2013 (on my birthday, no less!), I was so happy to get Oliver (my car) back after three weeks. They did such a good job you can’t even tell he was injured.

      1. Merci Dee*

        Oliver! How adorable! My car’s name is Sophie, aka The Gray Lady. Kia Souls are fun little cars to drive, but she seemed so regal with the charcoal gray paint. She needed a posh name to go along with it, I think

        Glad everything went well with your car, too. It’s like losing an arm to be without my own vehicle for so long. My dad was gracious enough to let me borrow his truck for a bit, and then insurance picked up a rental for a while, but it’s not the same. It was all I could do to sleep in my own bed on Friday night, instead of laying down the back seats and sleeping in the car’s cargo area. Though the paint fumes may have given me interesting dreams….

  61. Chocolate Teapot*

    After last week’s post about sexist and racist lyrics during my exercise class, I went along this week and I noticed the instructor was playing slightly different music. I don’t think the person who complained was there though.

  62. Little Paws*

    Happy Saturday! Time for another ‘Little Paws Update’ !

    Quick recap for those just tuning in:

    I’m a team lead analyst at a huge financial services company in the Boston area. Layoffs are looming, it’s a matter of when, not if. I’m looking to move from Mass. up to Vermont. (Burlington area)

    Last weekend I had Monday off from work, so I took the long weekend and went to Vermont to check out the Burlington area. I really liked what I saw. I went on Craigslist to check out the housing situation and there are a lot of people renting out rooms in their farmhouses for really inexpensive monthly rates (Shelburne, Essex, Hinesburg, etc) all of which are not far from Burlington.

    I have a week off from work at the end of April, so I’m trying to plan my next trip up there. As far as moving is concerned, I think it’s easier to look for an apartment once I’m actually up there. So now, I’m thinking that maybe I should rent a room in a farmhouse, just to start off and get myself settled in the area. Then once I’m confident that the new job is going well and I feel that happiness and stability are possible, then I could transition into my own apartment. I just think it would be easier to rent a furnished room in someone’s huge farmhouse with all utilities included, and get on my feet first, vs just jumping right into a full fledged apartment on my own, having just relocated from out of state.

    Thoughts? It would be very affordable, as most of these arrangements are no more than $500 a month, including utilities! Some of them would even offer my own private bathroom. I’ve never rented a room in my life (always shared apartments with a partner) but since I’d be relocating from out of state, maybe it’s easier to just find a “rent a room in a house” situation and then eventually move into my own place.

    I’d like to be able to move in the Spring if possible. Things at my job are becoming very toxic and getting worse as time goes on. The layoffs really fractured my team and now there’s a lot of backstabbing, and that “every man for himself” attitude where people are trying to make their colleagues look as bad as possible in order to save their own asses. It’s not a dynamic that I want to be a part of. I’ve been with this company for 6 years, 4 of which I’ve been a team lead. I don’t necessarily want to be a supervisor in my next job, but I’m hoping my experience will make it easier for me to secure a decent job in Burlington so I can get out of here. My mother is very supportive. I know my mother is sad even though she does not let on that she is. I have helped take care of her for the last 6 years or so. But she wants me to move forward with my life and be happy. She is disabled and cannot work, so maybe once I an settled in VT and in my own apartment, maybe she can move in with me for whatever time she has left.

    Sorry for the long rambly post. Those of you who have responded to my posts really mean a lot to me, as you took the time to give me your honest opinions. I’m really grateful and appreciative for any and all advice you can provide. I feel a little less alone whenever I come on here! Thank you :)

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I think renting a room in a house could be a great idea, depending on your need for private defined space. One benefit is a chance to check out neighborhoods and commutes and get a feel for where you want to live–ideally I would always recommend renting for a year. (Friends of ours live in a GREAT neighborhood, the sort that has block parties, and that was after a year in an apartment where people never talked to them.)

      My parents used to live near Burlington and it’s a beautiful area. With the prevalence of “Everything sucks but I can’t do anything; if I wait won’t it all change?” it’s great that you are carving a positive path forward.

    2. Loopy*

      I did this! I moved from MA to AZ and was nowhere near familiar enough with things to jump into any lease type commitment. I’d see if they would do month to month or even a three month or six month arrangement so if the situation isn’t great you aren’t trapped in it. I felt much more comfortable knowing if I didn’t like the area OR roomies as much as I expected, I wasn’t tied to a lease. Also it was less lonely/intimidating to be in a new area all alone since I was at least living with people who were friendly (even if they don’t want to be best friends its nice to have a human being to say hello to every so often!).

      I really liked the option a lot, personally. It made making a big move less nerve wracking as I didn’t have to be so stressed about finding the right place right off the bat. And usually it’s cheaper, way cheaper. So you can save up for a nicer place or some new stuff as a bonus :)

      1. Little Paws*

        Yes, exactly this! All of the listings I’ve seen so far are month-to-month. One of the listings even said that their place is great for those new to the area, and that they have rented to med students and others in the past who weren’t going to be there long term. I definitely think it’s easier to find an apartment once I actually live there, so I’m really leaning towards renting a room. All of the listings I saw had photos, and seemed plenty spacious. I also like the idea of renting a room because the owners/roommates will of course be familiar with the area, and it’s also nice to have friendly human interaction! One of the listings even said they would offer reduced rent in exchange for “chores around the farm.” Hell, I’d milk a cow for reduced rent! Moving from MA to AZ is huge. I’m only going 3 hours away, you went clear across the country! I’m sure it wasn’t easy. I’m really glad you shared your thoughts with me. :)

        1. Loopy*

          I definitely had a good experience with it. I had much more success with renting a room in the established home of someone who was the owner then splitting rent of an apartment with younger folks. It’s a very different dynamic in good and bad ways. In an apartment it’s more equally split between roomies but in a house it is their house. Still I was a short term renter and it didn’t bother me at all that it was less “mine”. I much preferred the maturity that came with renting in the homeowner situation vs. younger roomies. Years later I did have some roomie issues in a more traditional roommate situation at other places and DID have a lease, man I longed for the month- to-month arrangement then. I really hope your move goes well! :)

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I think this is super well thought out.
      One added bonus, the person you are renting from is now a helper in establishing your new life. This person can let you know about stuff going on locally and let you know who and what to stay away from. They will shorten your learning curve.
      Don’t forget to figure out how you will prep meals for yourself. My friend rented a room and it came with kitchen privileges. She just had to clean up what she used.

    5. Truffles*

      Good luck finding a room! Vermont is such a beautiful area, and living in a farmhouse sounds intriguing. I’ve had good luck renting places off Craigslist – after checking out the room and area for fit.

    6. SnarkyLibrarian*

      I’m glad you updated! I’m in a rut and very casually job searching with a geographic location of “East Coast” so I’m all over the map literally. I added Burlington to my search just because you’ve made it sound so nice. Good luck with your job search and renting a room in a farmhouse sounds amazing to me.

  63. Your Weird Uncle*

    So, I am not sure, but I may have a stalker and it’s freaking me out. I think it’s probably nothing, just a series of weird coincidences, but there’s something about our interactions which just make me uneasy.

    (I should probably state that, despite my username, I’m a woman.)

    So I work at a local university and live in a small town just on the outskirts. Normally I carpool with my husband, but at least once a week I park in the park & ride and take the bus to work & back. My pattern is pretty predictable because these are the nights my husband and I have my stepkids at home, so I’m pretty easy to figure out if someone were so inclined.

    A few months ago I started to notice that on my bus ride home there was a guy who always seemed like he was on the verge of striking up a conversation with me. He never did, but I usually would catch him looking at me so I just noted that and moved on. I also made sure to note where his usual bus stops were because he was starting to make me uneasy.

    Last week and the week before, I had some late nights at work and was taking a later bus than usual, which also includes a different bus stop than usual. One night he was at the same bus stop (not my usual bus stop, and not his usual bus stop) when I was leaving half an hour later than my normal time. Last week he was at the bus stop (again, neither of our usual bus stops) when I was leaving an hour later than my normal time. I was kind of freaked out, but it was that night that alarm bells started really going off in my head. I kept an eye on his normal bus stop to make sure that he got off the bus, and he didn’t. He stayed on the bus until the park & ride (by this time I was panicking and on the phone with my husband, just in case) and didn’t get out there, but stayed on as the bus looped around to go back into town. Thing was, I wasn’t thinking (I was pretty much in panic mode and rushed to my car to get in and lock the door) and now I’m kicking myself because my car is very distinctive. So now he knows where I get off the bus, he knows what I drive, and since his bus stop is well before mine he could easily get into his car and get to the park & ride to follow me home and I would never know.

    I am not sure why I’m posting this. I feel kind of silly because it’s really probably just a normal guy and we just happen to be at the same bus stop at the same time by coincidence, but there’s just something there that isn’t sitting with me very well. I’m just kind of….freaking out and need to air it, I guess.

    1. Nicole76*

      Honestly, this would freak me out too. I do hope it’s nothing, but please be careful. Maybe I’m overly paranoid and have been listening to way too many true crime podcasts lately, but I would keep a close eye on that guy just to be sure.

      1. Your Weird Uncle*

        OK it’s actually reassuring that it’s not just me! (Not reassuring that it could potentially be something very scary, though.)

        I have a friend who leaves work at the same time and is willing to ride with me if I ever need her, and am definitely keeping an eye on Creepy Bus Guy. I also took a crappy photo of him on the sly and sent it to my friend, just in case….

        The other morning I noticed footprints in the snow going all around our house. They look like kid feet (they weren’t our kids as they hadn’t been at our house since we had a big snow fall) so I think it was just some kids horsing around, but yeah, that doesn’t really reassure me either.

    2. fposte*

      I’m not sure where you are, but in the US it would be legal to take a picture of him. I might do that (taking a bunch of pictures all over with him in some might be less obtrusive than sneaking one of just him) and pop down to the police station with a clear one just to ask if this face trips any triggers.

      1. Your Weird Uncle*

        Ah, I just posted above about the picture I took of him. I’m in the US so I’m glad to know it’s legal!

    3. Thlayli*

      That’s really creepy and I think your fears may well be legitimate. I haven’t a clue what to do though. It may sound strange but if you call a domestic violence helpline they may be able to advise you how to deal with it – obviously this isn’t domestic violence but I bet they know the law on stalkers inside out and can advise on the best way to deal.

      1. Your Weird Uncle*

        I’m sure you’re right, they probably would have good advice about that! I’m actually looking at an online resource about stalking right now, since at least I know other people are finding it creepy too so maybe it’s not just in my head. (I also want to know, if he is keeping track of me, how does he know when I am leaving work? I don’t think he works in my building.)

    4. Lcsa99*

      It’s possible that it’s just a coincidence. It’s possible that the first stop is for his gym or his friend’s house and the second is his home (which is why you saw him there again later in the day) it’s possible he is looking at you cause you’re the weird woman that keeps staring at him and he can’t figure out why…

      It’s also possible that it is something. As Alison has said in the past, unless your gut has proven unreliable in the past you should probably listen to it. I would try to find a way to go at least two weeks without riding the bus and see if he pops up. Can you get a ride from someone? Or do a Zip car that one night a week for a while? If you go away, even if you pop up again after a couple weeks he might lose interest. If it’s something scarier, he might show up elsewhere, in which case you can get the police to try to help. As it is now, since you’ve only ever seen him on the bus I don’t think they can do anything to help you.

      1. Kristen*

        Although it’s likely a coincidence, I think it’s worth listening to your gut. If it’s possible to drive to work on these days, I would change up the bus routine for a month or two.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Adding: If you are not prone to a given feeling, and you have that feeling definitely pay attention.

        My friend thought there was an odd smell in his car making him sick. I said “How many times in life have you had this happen?” He said “Never.” I said, “Get rid of the car.”

        If you have a feeling that you cannot shake off and/or attempts to shake it off ramp the feeling up at a crazy rate, pay attention.

        While you are sorting this, is there anyone you can buddy up with for a short bit?

    5. Lily Evans*

      This would freak me out too. I always think that it’s important to trust your gut instinct about things like this, it’s better to seem paranoid than to squash it down on the off chance something bad does happen. The way you tell it, it seems like you’re running into him a bit too often and at too many different times/bus stops for it to be pure chance. It’s possible that it’s a coincidence, and probably also depends on how frequent the bus is and how far apart the stops are (if the bus is once an hour and the different stops are in walking distance of stores/restaurants, sure. If the bus runs every ten minutes and the stops are half a mile from anything commercial, that would be a much bigger red flag). I’d probably start carrying pepper spray (if that’s legal where you are) just to feel safer.

    6. nep*

      Glad you shared this.
      I would just say don’t ever hesitate to act or say something for fear of being seen as alarmist or paranoid. Err on the side of caution, always. If you’re concerned about it that’s reason enough to notify authorities (or whatever action you deem appropriate). Good that you’ve taken a photo and informed people close to you.
      Keep us posted.

    7. Loopy*

      I got a very discreet small black mace/pepper spray for defense on a keychain. It’s very easy to keep in my purse and gives me a little more security knowing I have that it situations like this where I’m uneasy. I would recommend it and hopefully you don’t need it but it’s a made a significant difference with me.

    8. Just a Concerned Third Party*

      No … that is definitely pretty concerning. Trust your instincts here; if they’re insisting to you that something is wrong, there’s a very, very good chance that it’s completely correct and acting on information that you aren’t even consciously aware you’ve picked up on. Because even if you do happen to be wrong (and I don’t think you are), there’s literally no detriment to listening to them: in the best-case scenario, you just end up making yourself feel a little silly for a few minutes and nothing more comes of it. But in the absolute worst, it could end up saving your life. Obligatory “The Gift of Fear” reference.

      1. Dead Quote Olympics*

        Yes, as I was reading I just kept thinking “read Gift of Fear read Gift of Fear read Gift of Fear.”

    9. neverjaunty*

      It is never silly to be concerned for your safety or to pay attention to a feeling that something is not right.

    10. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I would trust the part of you that is feeling uneasy. Don’t try and rationalize this away. If you take action and you’re wrong, that’s better than not taking action and being wrong. Plus, it’s better to nip this in the bud if you can. Definitely keep us posted.

    11. Traveling Teacher*

      So, my advice is: practice making a scene! Both in your head and out loud. For context: I have a friend who teaches self-defense, and she says that the number one thing she teaches, especially for women, is that it’s okay to make a scene. She makes them practice screaming at each other and screaming for help. She says that it’s part socialization and part fright, but that many women who are in a dangerous situation (getting kidnapped, grabbed, etc.) will not say anything because they don’t want to make a scene.

      I sincerely hope that this is just a series of unfortunate coincidences!

      1. fposte*

        I like this advice. And if you make a scene and it was all just coincidence? There are worse things. You don’t have to be 100% sure to yell at him.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        You can make a fist around your keys, put a key between each finger, so the narrow part sticks out from your fist. And now your fist is a weapon. I am sure you can find this on google to get a really good description.

      3. Thlayli*

        Also take a self defence class! I do Tae Kwon Do and it makes me feel so much safer knowing I could fight a man if necessary. Obviously if he had a gun I’d still be in trouble, but short of that I reckon I could get away. I’d highly recommend a martial art to all people.

    12. Anonymous Ampersand*

      Listen to your gut.

      Read “the gift of fear”

      Listen to your gut. (Important enough to repeat)

      Make sure your phone is always fully charged when you’re traveling.

      Maybe speak to the police and see if they have anything helpful to suggest?

      And please keep posting!

      1. Thlayli*

        I actually learned recently that we have about 10% of our neurons in our gut/digestive system. They run the digestive system but also they explain that “gut feeling” thing. Our guts have a brain that’s 2/3 the size of a cat brain!

    13. ..Kat..*

      Listen to your gut on this. This is seriously creepy. Women tend to ignore their gut on things like this when they should not. Talk to your husband and your work colleagues and your boss. Can you carpool, not work late (go home and work from home in the evening)? Can your husband meet you in the Park and Ride when you have to work late? Can you get off on an earlier stop with a coworker and have them drive you to your car? Don’t think of these suggestions as inconveniencing people, think of them as keeping you safe.

      People are often happy to help. I remember when I was taking night classes at a community college. I found out a woman in my class was taking the bus home late at night when there wasn’t a lot of buses. She was standing on dark street corners all alone waiting for buses. I offered to take her home before I even knew where she lived. Because we women have to look out for each other. She was very grateful (and astonished!). And even though neither of us would have ever picked the other to be friends with, I am glad I did it. Hopefully you have someone in your life to help you with this.

    14. Your Weird Uncle*

      Thanks everyone for your replies and suggestions! I’m glad (if that’s the right word?) that other people think this is creepy, not just my friend and I. It just seems so out of the ordinary because this isn’t someone I know, so why would a stranger focus on me? which is why it’s tempting to brush it all off as coincidence. But after reading a little bit about stalkers, picking a strange woman they don’t know seems to be a thing that happens, so I’m definitely not going to take any chances. (And I have The Gift of Fear on its way from the library soon!)

      Hopefully this will sort itself out naturally as the kids are on vacation with their mother for 2+ weeks, so I won’t be using the park & ride during that time. I do still take the bus to get around downtown, so I’m going to avoid using my regular one and just be hyper aware if I see him on any other buses. I’ll definitely update if anything else weird happens!

    15. anonagain*

      Depending on what your work set up is like, I might remind front desk people and coworkers not to give out your number,let anyone in without your permission, or whatever else makes sense for your situation.

  64. Middle School Teacher*

    Thank you to whoever recommended The Curse of Chalion a few weeks ago! I started reading it this week, and it’s fab.

    What’s everyone else reading?

    1. caledonia*

      I just finished reading The Growing Season by Helen Sedgewick which is a novel in which baby pouches have been invented (so men can carry babies too) but then something happens.

      Really interesting and I will now read her debut novel.

    2. nep*

      Related to post above — My like-new used copy of Los Angeles Stories by (one of my favourite artists) Ry Cooder arrived today. Going to read some of that shortly.
      And I’m still working my way through Middlemarch.

    3. Turtlewings*

      Ha, that was probably me! I’m so glad you’re enjoying it!

      I’m currently reading the Shakespeare’s Star Wars version of The Phantom Menace. (Already read the original trilogy versions.) Combining two of my interests — Shakespeare and Star Wars — just really tickles me, I love it.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I am rereading the Amelia Peabody books. The post-humous one, The Painted Queen, was dreadful–fanfic characters and a thin, wince-filled plot–but it inspired me to go back to the early ones in the series, which I hadn’t read in a while. The writing and sense of the each character is really sharp, while being fluffy, frothy fun.

      Curse of Chalion is one of my all-time favorite books, with its sequel Paladin of Souls right up there too. (And after that point, corresponding to Diplomatic Immunity/Cryoburn in the Vorkosigan series, I haven’t really liked anything the author wrote. Before the line are books I reread over and over; after I read once or skip altogether. I think her recent approach to romance just totally misses with me.)

      Loved Iselle. And the novel is really good at unfolding the background events–not twists so much as a character will explain a little bit of the theology or history, and that causes past events to rotate into clearer configurations. I mentioned Bletchley Circle and how good it is at coming up with an initial set of circumstances (uncorrupted code) and how that could lead to the pattern our code-breaking heroines eventually notice and solve. The theology works like that, which is really refreshing.

      1. SparklingStars*

        I loved the Amelia Peabody books when I read them back in grad school! I agree that The Painted Queen was not at all well written – I read the first chapter and then took it back to the library.

        Now I’m working my way through the 44 Scotland Street series by Alexander McCall Smith, and highly enjoying them.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          You missed a bunch of assassins, constantly doing the equivalent of tripping and impaling themselves on their own knives. I was honestly embarrassed.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      I think I’m finally going to finish Edge of Eternity (Ken Follett) this weekend. It had some spots I had a really hard time getting through, like the Cuban Missile Crisis, but it picked up again. Then it’s on to Column of Fire.

    6. Lady Jay*

      A Fire Upon the Deep, by Vernor Vinge. Essentially a fantasy novel set (partly) in space. Really excellent world-built and alien creation makes this very worthwhile.

    7. HannahS*

      I read The Reluctant Queen earlier this week, as well as Tempests and Slaughter. Tempests and Slaughter (Tamora Pierce’s new book) was very good, but I didn’t think The Reluctant Queen was great. I can’t put my finger on why; maybe it suffered from middle-book syndrome. The concept of the world was new and different in the first book (Queen of Blood), and the Big Reckoning will come in the third, but this one just felt a bit like moving pieces into position.

    9. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve been sitting on the final book in the Incorruptibles series by John Hornor Jacobs, a very unique fantasy, but I really want to delve in. So I think I’ll do a quick skim of the other books to get back up to speed and then read it. And review it; it helps authors if you leave reviews.

      One reason I was avoiding it is that I’m worldbuilding, and I didn’t want to be unduly influenced. He managed to think up some of the most unique weapons I’ve ever read about.

  65. Introverted introvert*

    I was talking to a friend and was telling her how my brother-in-law calls me by a nickname, even though I don’t like it. (ex: Jenny instead of Jennifer). When I told her that I didn’t like when he does this she said, “Don’t let him know that it bothers you!”
    Why can’t I let him know? I’m not sure what she was getting at. Does she think that if he knows that I don’t like it, he’ll keep doing it? Any thoughts?

    1. Lily Evans*

      That’s a weird reaction from your friend. I feel like most people would want to know if they’re calling someone by a name they dislike. Her advice sounds like something a parent would tell you to get your sibling to stop bothering you, not advice for dealing with a rational adult (assuming your brother-in-law is rational).

    2. Turtlewings*

      There are definitely people who will keep doing something specifically because they know you hate it. These people are known as jerks. (A person who is genuinely just trying for lighthearted teasing will stop when you make it clear you’re serious.) It’s a power thing — “I’ll do what I want to you and you can’t stop me” — sometimes with a side of condescension — “Aww the little kitten is so cute when she’s mad (it’s cute because she isn’t capable of actually hurting me).” It’s true that sometimes, if the thing they’re doing doesn’t get a rise out of you, they’ll get bored with it and stop. A lot more often, it’ll teach them that yeah, they DO get to do whatever they want to you, and you’ll just sit there and take it. “Don’t react to it and they’ll stop” is the classic reaction to bullying because of adult laziness, not effectiveness.

      As for how to actually make him stop, I think the only way is to make it as awkward and unpleasant for him as possible, such as asking loudly in a crowded room, “Why do you like calling people names they don’t like? Is it some kind of power trip for you? Do you get a charge from calling me ‘Jenny’ instead of my name? I think that’s pretty weird.”

      1. Turtlewings*

        The above “make it awkward” advice is only for after you’ve asked him nicely to stop. He probably just doesn’t know you don’t like it.

    3. Big Person*

      If you haven’t let him know, do. Then, stop responding to the wrong name. If he, or anyone else, asks why you aren’t answering him, you didn’t know he was talking to you because that’s not your name.

    4. Florida*

      I agree with Lily Evans. This is bad advice that for generations we gave related to dealing with bullies. The theory is that he wants to bother you so if you tell him it bothers you, he wins.
      I’m on the school of thought that thinks you should say, “actually, I prefer Jennifer.” Also, assume good intentions unless there is other evidence that he is a jerk.
      If someone calls you Jenny and you act like it doesn’t bother you, then it is perfectly reasonably for him to assume it doesn’t bother you. He might be calling you a nickname as a sign of affection. Then if 5 years from now, he learns that you hated it all along, that’s awkward. Just tell him you don’t like it. If he’s a reasonable person, he’ll call you Jennifer

      1. Betsy*

        I honestly hated that advice too. I always got it because I was bullied in school I think some bullies probably like to get a reaction, but I think the people who were bullying me liked it *because* I was shy and they knew they wouldn’t get much of a reaction, apart from blushing and looking awkward.

    5. Effie, who is pondering*

      Hmm, I can see your friend saying that if she knows well that BIL is a huge jerk and will do it MORE once you let him know that it bothers you. Other than that, I agree that it’s bad advice.

      Have you had other instances where you’ve pushed back against BIL? How has he responded historically? By apologizing and stopping, or by upping the obnoxious behavior? Have you vented to your friend about these instances before?

    6. Not So NewReader*

      She thinks he will bully you by refusing to call you Jennifer.

      Your friend gives bad advice. Please do not listen to her advice on this.

    7. Observer*

      I’m sure that that’s exactly what she thought. But my question is why not just tell him that’s not your name and stop answering to it?

  66. Computer says no*

    Life couldn’t get any worse. My partner/ex-partner was taken by the police he is in prison for unforgivable crimes. I have to deal with it all now. I am not coping, I have taken sick leave at work and now I have to deal with all the gossip and try to erase him from my life. He has ruined it all. I was just coming to the end of my probation too. I have never cried so much in my life.

    The house feels like someone has died and I cannot leave it all. I am unable to go to the shops I am off sick from work because of the stress. Why me?

    1. fposte*

      Oh, I am so sorry. I hope you have someone nearby to help you—please consider reaching out if you haven’t.

    3. Reba*

      So sorry, Computer says no. What a dreadful shock. I hope you have a trusted friend you can lean on a bit. I’m glad you came here to post. We are here to listen.

    4. Thursday Next*

      This sounds terrible; I’m so sorry. Are there any resources you can turn to so you can talk to someone? Through friends, an EAP, insurance, support group, or hotline? Please don’t let your (ex) partner’s actions isolate you—you are not the one who has done something unforgivable. Wishing you all the best in a difficult time.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Right on. Churches will help, too, if you are so inclined, OP.

        Choose people wisely, then give them a chance to help. My friend appeared at my door one day. The look on his face was terrible, I knew something was very wrong. His son was going to prison for Very Bad Crime. I said, “I will fix us some coffee.” And he point blank said, “Will people see that is my son, NOT ME?”
        Yes, they will. Good and kind people will see that you are an individual, OP. Go carefully and pick wisely. There are people out there who will help.

        Come back and let us know how you are doing. Finding that first person is the hardest it will be, after that it will be a tiny bit easier.

    5. Parenthetically*

      I’m so, so sorry this has happened. Do please reach out for help so people can walk with you through this hard time.

    6. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Oh, how awful! I am so sorry! I hope you have people on your side that can help you. You’re going to be the talk of the town for a while, but things will quiet down and you will learn to cope with it. Hang in there!

    10. Observer*

      So, so sorry. This is incredibly rough.

      1. Are you reasonably sure he is guilty? This is not something for you to discuss with others, but to think about for your own health.

      2. Make sure to take care of yourself. Eat and drink, try to sleep and make sure to get some exercise. And ABSOLUTELY leave the house during the day, every day.

      3. Get some help on all fronts. Counseling for the stress, grief and anger; practical help with untangling all of your affairs and practical help in getting yourself into a “single” rather and “couple” mode.

      4. Go back to work as soon as you can and hold your head high. You did NOT do whatever it is that your ex-partner did. If anyone wants to gossip with you shut it down. If anyone makes nasty comments to you or asks leading questions (eg “how did you not know blah blah blah?”) freeze them with a rehearsed response along the lines of “I am not Ex, and I have no intention of discussing this with you.” Kind comments are probably not going to be easy either, so a rehearsed response is good there too. Something like “Thanks for understanding. As you can imagine, I really don’t want to even think about it.” Your work can make a HUGE difference in your ability to get to a better place.

      5. Consider moving. Even a place down the block could make a difference, as you won’t be greeted every day and all day with memories of your ex.

  67. nep*

    Anyone in France / Europe (or watchers from anywhere) have any strong views of or insights into Emmanuel Macron? I reckon views of him are mixed.
    I watch French news/discussion shows occasionally; I’m intrigued by him and his ascent to the presidency.
    Granted I don’t have a deep understanding of the socio-economic issues France is facing, but I have to say I’m impressed by some of what I’ve seen of Macron — including being in the thick of it sometimes and talking with people. Is it showmanship, ego and needing to win an argument, genuine engagement? Qu’en pensez-vous?
    (True, I hadn’t followed earlier French presidents very closely so I can’t compare in the sense of this apparent engagement.)
    (And would this be off-limits because politics?)

    2. Reba*

      Not a political judgment: when I was in France last year I spent time observing some Africans’ voluntary associations. They were all very interested in politics and they referred to him as “Petit Macron”! I found that so delightful.

  68. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

    I got my first water bill today. A two week period. One person in the house. Nearly $400. I expected my electric to be high (also nearly $400), because I had to use space heaters for 2-3 weeks. I think I’m still in shock.

      2. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

        I definitely don’t think this is normal because that’s almost the mortgage payment on the house. I’m hoping the incredibly disfunctional water company can get it figured out quickly.

    2. Rebecca*

      I’d say there was either a leak or this is a leftover bill from the previous resident! You need to call the water company. That’s not reasonable by any standards.

      1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

        There have been so many previous residents (at least 4 as best I can tell + an unofficial one before I moved in) in the past year I’m really hoping that’s the cause.

        1. Jerry Vandesic*

          Do you know what the meter was reading when you moved in? Check to see that the starting reading is the same as what you saw on your first day.

          1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

            Unfortunately, I didn’t think to check for myself so I kind of have to take them at their word on the initial reading.

    3. Anon For This*

      Someone stole water from me once, according to the neighbors. Hopped the fence with a bucket and filled it up from the backyard hose. I’m guessing this is unusual, but as an extra precaution, you could secure your yard or outdoor water supply so that can’t happen. I bet it’s a leak, though. I’d call a plumber.

      1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

        It probably is a leak. I really don’t want it to be. I’ve had chronic issues with the hot water for months now (lasting on average 5 minutes with a 40 gallon tank…) Replaced and upgraded it to a 50 gallon and no improvement. The plumber that came to “fix” the issue last time didn’t catch anything, but his fix for the hot water heater was to turn it up to scalding so I’m sure I didn’t get the best of the bunch. I really should’ve just rented.

        1. fposte*

          See if the water company offers leak detection kits. Mine does, though I knew what my leak was so I didn’t take them up on it.

        2. Someone else*

          I’d definitely assume leak given the number you quoted. My water bill, bi-monthly, averages $70 and 85% of that is taxes and fees. The usage is such a small portion of the bill. There are more people in my house than yours. And I have a swimming pool. Even if water rates were double in your area (and I’m in a drought), yours screams leak.

          1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

            So, just checked and my meter isn’t moving unless I have water running and I’m thoroughly confused. If there was a leak the plumber I called said it would be moving constantly.

            1. Thlayli*

              It could be an intermittent thing, like sometimes when a toilet isn’t flushed properly and keeps running for ages and ages till it gets flushed again.

              But I think it’s more likely to be some issue of mixing up your bill and a previous residents bill. Did you call the water company with a meter reading when you moved in?

              1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

                Yes, did call when I moved in and they were supposed to come read it. The previous owner said he was doing owner finance and the couple just stopped paying and moved out, so I’m wondering if they didn’t pay the last water bill or two and that’s what’s showing up.

                1. Thlayli*

                  I suggest you ask them when it was read. I bet they didn’t come read it and are sticking previous peoples debts in with you

        3. Observer*

          It definitely sounds like a leak.

          Also, just check all of your faucets – if anything drips fix it. You’d be surprised how much that can add up.

          Also, does your water company have a site where you can monitor your water usage? That might give you some clues.

          1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

            I haven’t seen anything about being able to monitor it online but I’m going to inquire! That sounds pretty convenient actually.

        4. LCL*

          This right here. One of the outlets to the hot water system-washer, bathroom tap, kitchen tap, is leaking. True story-friend had a house that previous owner had run a hot water line to the toilet, because they thought it would be nicer and reduce condensation. Costed many thousands in repairs because the water damaged the wax seal and flooring was damaged.

          Since you don’t have a washer yet I would look at the water supply to the utility area first. If it has the typical cement floor with drain, the hot tap could be leaking and running down the drain.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Usually they bill at the rate of per 1000 gallons.
      How many gallons does it say you used?

      Is it possible that other apartments are on your meter?

      1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

        It looks like they billed me for about 500 gallons. (I’ve actually never lived somewhere I had a water bill so reading it is new to me.) Which kind of makes sense (I think?) since I had almost no hot water and my showers lasted about 5 minutes and I don’t have a washing machine set up yet. So maybe it’s just left over charges from previous tenants (which I believe under TX law I would be responsible for)?

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Probably the town or a water supply company sent your bill. Call and ask why it costs almost 90 cents per gallon of water at your place. Ask if you are being billed for a previous tenant.
          The bill should break down what you are paying and why you are paying it. if it doesn’t then why doesn’t it?
          You may need to contact the attorney general’s office for your state before this is over. Be sure to include a copy of your bill if you go this route.

          1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

            It does break it down, and apparently my water consumption was $215.00. But if I’m reading it right at the top it says I used 500 gallons. We’re billed per/1000 at just under $3 with a minimum bill of about $45ish per the city website. Almost seems as if they got a decimal point out of place?

            1. Not So NewReader*

              yeah, like they put in 5,000 gallons or something…

              What does it attribute the remaining costs to?

        3. moql*

          Very late, but I work for a water co so I thought I’d chime in.

          500 gallons -> 1000/month would very much put you on the low side. See if they break out your water rate vs other fees. if this is your first bill they may have charged you extra for hookup or the initial bill. If its not that then this sounds way too high.

        4. LCL*

          Here (which is not Texas) the property owner is responsible for any outstanding bills. Doesn’t matter who ran up the bill.
          Just for reference, our bill for a 3 bedroom house with 2 adults is close to 150/month. 1/3 is water, the other 2/3 is for sewage and trash removal.

    5. MechanicalPencil*

      This happened to one of my parents once and they had just misread the meter. I’m not sure how you misread it that badly, but alright. Conversely my first gas bill at a new place had a deposit type charge on there that I wasn’t expecting so it was like 150 whereas the next bill was 20. Utility companies are quite a racket.

      1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

        I actually went out and checked the meter number in hopes they read the wrong one but it matches with mine. It was covered in mud but it’s rained a lot recently so that could have happened after the reading. It did have about $150 in charges and admin fees, but still billed $200 for water consumption alone.

  69. Florida*

    If you think it is unreasonably high, call the utility company. Ask them to re-read it. They might be able to help you determine if there is a leak. They might offer a payment plan, if you need it.
    If it’s a leak or other problem, they want it fixed as much as you do. Remember the utility company is the one of the few businesses in the world that wants you to use less of their services and they will help you figure out how to use less.

    2. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

      Yes, that’s the plan for Monday! It hasn’t been a pleasant experience dealing with them so far, but I’m hoping for the best!

  70. Foster Mom*

    Hey all! I am hoping some of you can help me out with this – hopefully this doesn’t get too buried. I just became a foster parent to a sweet 15 yo girl and she is battling an eating disorder. She purges multiple times per day even if nothing is in her stomach. She eats very little, if at all during the day. All she wants to do is drink juice and throw up. I have taken her to her primary – no help there, and she has an appointment next week with her psychiatrist and a nutritionist at a place that specializes in eating disorders. Other than that and what they do for her, what can I do at home to help? I don’t want to make food a big deal or give her any more body issues. Looking for advice from other parents/foster parents who have been there or women who have been through this as a teen. Thanks all!

    1. nep*

      So sorry you’re having to face this. I can’t imagine the sense of helplessness and pain for a parent in this situation.
      I had anorexia as a teen. (Binged and purged perhaps twice during that period — so that was not my issue. Though I did abuse laxatives periodically.)
      It’s great she’s going to see the nutritionist and psychiatrist. I hope that will lead to some solutions. How does your [foster-]daughter feel about those appointments? Receptive to help? Will you be meeting with them — or another specialist — as well?
      Causes and solutions will vary, of course, as people vary. There was not much my parents could do at home to help me. I resisted every attempt; in fact any attempt to help or any concern expressed about my weight or lack of food only emboldened me in my quest to eat as little as possible. Of course that won’t be the case for everyone. I don’t know how open she is to talking with you in general; I guess I would just always let her know you’re there and you love her — and that you want nothing more than to help her get past this however that needs to happen.
      And yes — don’t make a big deal about food (and same for any other people in the household). Say she shocks you by grabbing a banana or some other bit of food one day — just let it be. Don’t talk about it unless she does.
      I hope the appointment next week will be the beginning of change.
      I’ll be interested to hear others’ views and suggestions here.

    2. Cristina in England*

      Ugh this is so tough!

      You sound like you’re doing everything right, which is great. The best thing you can do for her is be supportive and be a safe place for her to… be, I guess? Exist as a person with emotions? She must have a lot of stuff going on if she is a foster teen and an eating disorder makes sense for someone who doesn’t want to or can’t bring herself to feel her feelings.

      Things to remember:
      – you can’t make her better, only she can
      – the eating disorder is a symptom of other mental and emotional issues, so those are what need to be addressed

      A lot of love to you both. It’s so hard and if you are simply providing a supportive and shame-free environment, you’re doing something good.

    3. Kuododi*

      I’m not an eating disorder specialist and of course the standard disclaimers apply in that I’m not able to give counsel over the net. What I have seen is that there is a better fighting chance if you don’t put emotional energy into whether or not she eats or not. Power struggles rarely turn out well. Typically…(I realize there are exceptions)….young people in this situation are trying to find something over which they can exert control….being in foster care is one of the most out of control places a young person can be. (Bounced from one place to the next…all of that dependent upon agencies, case workers and family court system) I realize she is in a complicated situation, but any areas where she can begin to safely feel stronger without getting into the power struggles over food will be helpful.

      1. Yetanotherjennifer*

        Poor kid! I agree about avoiding food-related power struggles. Check out Ellyn Satter’s book “How to get your kid to eat but not too much. ” She developed what’s called the division of responsibility: your job is to put a balanced meal on the table at regular meal times. Once the food hits the table, your job is done. Her job is to eat it. Or not. That doesn’t mean that you can’t stack the deck in her favor, though. If success is her being able to keep something down, do what you can to make that easy for her. Ellyn Satter also developed a hierarchy of food needs that says that people just aren’t able to worry about instrumental (nutritious) food until they’ve been eating enough high quality (as in not rotten) food regularly for a good while and know they will have easy access to enough high quality food long into the future. So don’t worry too much about the nutritional balance of what she eats. Just keep offering balanced meals and let her choose what she wants. Also pay attention to the sensory aspects of eating. Once she starts eating, are there flavors, sounds, aromas or textures she especially likes or avoids. These things may not be clinically related to eating disorders, but it would not surprise me if she had some strong aversions. Good luck! I’ll be thinking of you.

    4. nep*

      Great points by Kuododi re control. Anything you can do at home (non-food-related) to allow her to exercise more control over her environment / situation could help a lot. I know that in my case, my food intake was the sole thing I felt I had any control over; even later after recovery, it was when things in general felt particularly out of control that I would be on the brink of relapse.

      1. nep*

        (Goes without saying — but in a verrrry subtle way, of course…not explicitly handing her control of something, making it an issue or calling attention to it — again, unless she does.)

      2. Effie, who is pondering*

        Maybe redecorating her bedroom? Make it feel more like hers? As in, going shopping with her and letting her pick out curtains/bedspread? Something that’s visual and not super expensive/a pain to change?

      3. Your Weird Uncle*

        Re. the control thing….there is a parenting philosophy called Love & Logic and in classes they go through how some kids have a higher need for control than others, and give suggestions for releasing control to those kids in a healthy way. It’s pretty simple (though needs to be customized to be appropriate for age groups): you give them a choice between two things, either of which you’d be happy with. I wouldn’t make the choices about food, but in our house this looks like: ‘Would you rather have the blue or the pink bath towel?’, ‘Would you rather do your homework now or in 15 minutes?’, ‘Would you rather wear your coat or carry it?’ and so on.

        As she’s 15 you might struggle coming up with things (our kids are younger and so asking if they want an orange or yellow plate for dinner is age-appropriate, but every once in a while they’re like, ‘uh, it doesn’t *matter*’) but I imagine you can come up with something!

        1. Foster Mom*

          I read the Love and Logic book for Teens! It was great! Basically the same premise but giving control BACK to teens and allowing natural consequences to happen. I am not sure this is the right way to handle it, but what I have been doing is warning her that if she starts the day off puking, she will need to call whichever friend she had plans with that day and cancel for being sick. I’m trying to give her the choice of 1. stay home and puke or 2. go see friends and do something fun. In the real world, if someone is vomiting, they wouldn’t get to go stay at work or go out in public, so I am making that a natural consequence to her choosing to throw up. It has worked twice so far. She got mad when she had to call her friend to cancel bowling, but turned it around and was able to go out the next day by keeping her purging under control for 24 hours. Thoughts on this? Nep, i’m curious to see what you think too, since you have been through this “control” piece as a teen.

          1. nep*

            If that approach has worked a couple of times, that is great. I didn’t regularly purge, but also I was so withdrawn with my nose constantly in the books to get my straight As, this wouldn’t have applied in my case. I certainly like the idea; you’re handing her the control, in a sense.
            She’s lucky to have you.
            Do keep us posted.

    5. Effie, who is pondering*

      I’m so glad you’re asking tough questions! She’s lucky to have such a considerate guardian.

      I struggle with anorexic tendencies on and off and I. HATE. it. when people talk about my food choices, whether they know my history or not. Why do people do that?? If I want to start with chocolate cake it’s my choice. If I want to eat a pear, yogurt, cucumber, and water, that’s also my choice. (Also I don’t get hungry and have to remember to eat, so it’s often a struggle) Double whammy that a lot of the time i don’t taste stuff so eating feels like a huge waste of time.

      So, don’t do that. Echoing commenters above to do your best not to talk about what’s on/off her plate. I eat best when it feels like no one notices what I’m eating/doing at the table.

      Also, a lot of the times I eat better when I’m reading (since it distracts me from the fact that I’m eating) or watching TV. I understand if this is against house rules, just a tip that may help if you allow her to read at the table.

      As others have said, if she finds something she likes to eat, let her eat it. Don’t bug her about nutrition. She knows.

      1. nep*

        I hear you — Cannot stand it when anyone comments on what I eat or in any way makes a big deal of it. I get that this irritation on my part (and even their fixation) stems from my past with an eating disorder — still it gets old.

        1. Foster Mom*

          I’ve definitely been doing this! I don’t care what she eats, as long as she eats something! With one exception though – I have been refusing to buy soda (her choice is Mountain Dew) for two reasons: 1. it is terrible for you and 2. she throws it up anyway so i don’t want to waste the money. But anything else is fair game! I appreciate the advice though because i have been commenting on foods that have a lot of acid as i am more worried that they will upset her stomach. But i will stop that! Thank you all!

    6. Nonnie*

      Going anon for this one.

      Right now it sounds like you’re doing a great job handling this. Assuming the proper medical care is being taken care of I can offer a few bits of advice from my various experiences with eating disorders.

      Provide a judgement free environment for her to eat or not eat in. If she’s using it as a coping/control mechanism trying to force her to eat and getting into arguments about it will make her recovery harder.

      Keep snacky foods around – healthy and unhealthy. Shakes and smoothies are a good choice as they’re easier to digest if you’re exiting a famine period. Make sure she has free access to food at all times and let her choose what to eat.

      As she recovers start teaching her how to cook, maybe even take a class together. Starting to view food as a fuel (from her nutritionist) and also as a fun means of expression can help heal her relationship with food and eventually maybe eating.

      Lastly resist the urge to comment on how she looks for a while. Even meant positively it just draws attention to the fact that she has a body that people are assessing/judging.

    7. ..Kat..*

      Eating disorders are difficult in their own special way. Ask for counseling/education at this specialty eating disorders clinic. They will have the best advice for you.

    8. Anono-me*

      You might want to talk to the experts about her teeth, as this is an illnesses that can be hard on them.

      Congratulations and good wishes.

      1. Foster Mom*

        We have a dentist appointment scheduled for next month (unfortunately could not get in earlier) so i will be giving the dentist a heads up about what is going on so he/she can talk to her about their observations. Her teeth are so discolored from vomiting that i am worried they will not go back to normal… So far i have not mentioned them at all other than to remind her to brush her teeth which she rarely does. I am hoping a professional can get through to her. Thank you for the suggestion!

  71. Triple Anon*

    I had to cut ties with an old friend this week and I’m still, um, mystified . . .

    Flash back two decades. I lived in a pretty social small town and knew a lot of people. Quirky working class / vacation area. There was one couple who were known for being really nice people and for having been together a long time without being legally married. We hung out regularly. They were open minded yet sort of normal, almost wholesome. The more normal friends who you talk to about Weird Things People Do and laugh at the little oddities and faux pas. Well read, educated either formally or just by reading a lot. Aware of all the most recent political and social issues.

    I moved away. Years later, we became social media friends. They had split up. One of them made a horrible racist slur and then a string or horrible classist slurs on social media. I mean nasty name calling serves-no-constructive-purpose sort of stuff. This is someone who went to a good college and is very articulate. I hit the Unfriend button.

    I visited the town and caught up with the other one. We just went to a bar with other people and talked about what had been happening since I moved away. It was an intense conversation in that there were a lot of major life events to catch up on, but otherwise very friendly and normal.

    Then I received a text saying, “Are you still here?” I responded, “I am. What’s going on?” “Just wanted to know,” and no further response. This persisted. Sometimes at weird hours. A text saying, “Still here?” and no further conversation or explanation. No other communication. No other contact. It creeped me the F out. But we remained social media friends and I eventually moved away.

    So recently, about a decade later, I get a random message from this person asking where I am. I asked, “Why do you ask?” “I just want to know are you in X city or somewhere else?” I thought it over for a week and hit the Block button. I was sad to part ways with someone I go way back with and who had always been so nice in person. But who the F does that? Just contact someone you haven’t spoken to in a decade, don’t even say hi, just demand their location and nothing else.

    Freakin’ strange. Another one to file under What the F is Up With Some People . . . I guess there is more to all of us than meets the eye . . .

    1. fposte*

      Gotta wonder if some substance abuse might be involved there. I’ve definitely known of alcoholics with that pattern.

      1. Triple Anon*

        Yeah. Both of them seemed to change a lot after going through some difficult life events and then parting ways. I’m empathetic, but at the same time, it’s so weird.

    2. Myrin*

      This is so strange but I hope you forgive me for being fascinated by it. It sounds like the plot of some mystery novel with you as the protagonist. But really, it’s so weird and fposte’s suggestion is almost the only thing that’d make sense. All the other explanations I can come up with are truly fantastical in nature (like, they’re actually caught between worlds after having disrupted the space-time-continuum).

      1. Triple Anon*

        Hahahaha. I know. It is fascinating. The weirdest part is that, two decades ago, if different people had done this, I would have told these two people about it and we would have talked about it, having the same reactions.

        Sadly, I think it’s the effect of some unfortunate things that happened in their lives. Just speculating based on what I was told at one point. A grief / mental health sort of change. I don’t know if substances or other addictions could also be playing a role. I kind of hope that by reacting normally to the, “Where are you?” thing, I might have been able to signal that it was weird and maybe that will be a small wake up call. I mean a wake up call to address the underlying issue and get healthier again.

  72. Incantanto*

    Housemate in a four person joint contract house has moved out without notice and fucked off back to poland wjere chasing himfor rent will be tricky.

    Help.

    2. Yetanotherjennifer*

      It doesn’t look good, but don’t assume until you’ve made a good effort to contact him and get his share.

    3. Thlayli*

      Did he pay a share of deposit when he moved in? Can you get a new housemate quickly and use their deposit to pay for the rent and then they get his deposit back when you all move out.

  73. Red*

    Married people – do you ever miss being single? I love my husband dearly, but I don’t know, I just miss being unattached for some reason. We’ve been together since I was 19, maybe that has something to do with it? Or maybe it’s just that he’s more clingy than I am? Who knows…

    1. Anon.*

      Oh, yes. Absolutely. Happily married for almost 20 years, but sometimes I really miss the single days. Was talking to my mom several weeks ago about this very subject – she and my dad have been married for over 50 years, and she said she has the same feelings. It’s very common.

      1. Enough*

        Married 35 years and there are times I would like to be single. I think it’s perfectly normal to wonder what the other side of the fence looks like. Whether it’s where you live, where you work or your career. Why should married life be any different.

    2. Moon*

      Married for 10 years. I don’t get that feeling at all, because we get plenty of space from each other. My husband isn’t particularly needy or overbearing. I used to worry about feeling trapped when getting married ( that was when I was with another dude), so am pleasantly surprised how much nicer/easier life is together.

    3. Reba*

      I met my spouse at 20, but we lived apart at various times during the relationship. I think it’s normal. I really enjoy hearing my friends in young relationships or dating talk about their adventures.

      We do a lot together but are also both fairly introverted and give each other space at home.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      Hmm. I’ve been with my husband since I was 15 and he was 21, fresh out of the Army, so I honestly don’t even really remember what it was like to be single since I was just a kid when we met.

      My husband is definitely the more affectionate, huggy, clingy one. And I’m…not. He likes to cuddle in bed sometimes and I’m like (in my mind), “Dude, get your mouth-breathing self over on your side of the bed. I’m trying to read/think/snuggle with the cat.”

      Also, I highly value my alone time, so it’s pure bliss when he goes camping with the guys for the weekend, which usually happens at least four times each year. I know that’s not the same thing as being completely unattached, but it’s the closest I can get since I’m now 43 and haven’t been unattached since 15. I’m thinking that I would probably would have liked being single based on my personality and the fact that I’m kind of a loner.

    5. Lissa*

      (commonlaw for 8 year so close enough. :)) I don’t miss it exactly but I have a *lot* of nostalgia for a certain time in my life, essentially my early 20s. I had a not great upbringing/adolescence and I found a lot of happiness around 21, made a ton of awesome friends and had a few years of single fun. The thing is when I look back more analytically there were a fair number of not ideal things going on there, like sketchy roommates etc. but I still have this “sigh…” feeling for a certain type of single freedom, not even for the dating around/sleeping around but just going to a club or house party with a “ooh, what might happen” feeling. And a lot of real closeness with friends that doesn’t quite exist in the same way now.

      I recently had a real “whoa” moment when I realized that ‘that’ time in my life was only about 4 years and I’ve been with my partner for twice that!

      I get what you mean about partner being more clingy, I suggest an activity you do without him! I have super long walks with podcasts to the gym, it gives me some space.

    6. Mimmy*

      Yes and no

      Yes because a part of me wonders how much bolder I’d be in my personal and career choices if I weren’t married.

      No because, quite honestly, I don’t know what I’d do without my husband. He’s helped me gain so much more independence and confidence than I ever dreamed possible.

    7. buttercup*

      What do you miss about being single??
      I have the opposite problem you do – I’ve been in a perpetually single state for the past 5 years and want badly to be in a relationship.

      1. RestlessRenegade*

        Not being accountable to someone–I miss not being able to go out and stay out as long as I want without having to be in touch. Not having to wash someone else’s dishes/laundry/toilet/etc. Being able to eat peanut butter sandwich for dinner instead of cooking/planning. Having to coordinate two calendars to make plans instead of one. Not having time to do exactly what I want. Not having someone else’s baggage, family, etc. on my shoulders. And other things.

        That said, there are a lot of great things about being in a relationship and I was single and unhappy about it for a long time, so I really know how you’re feeling. I wish you luck and peace.

    8. ..Kat..*

      Some people just need more alone time than others. My husband and I both have more “alone “ time needs than others. Luckily for us, I am a shift worker who has to work every other weekend. My husband has a more normal Monday through Friday schedule. He gets his “me” time when I work my weekends, I get my me time on my days off during the week. Would scheduling alone time for you give you what you crave?

    9. Thlayli*

      I don’t miss the dating and not knowing where my next sex was coming from part of being single. But occasionally I definitely miss the flirting part. And I do miss the total independence I-can-head-off-for-the-weekend-without-having-to-worry-about-anyone part of being single. I miss that last bit a LOT. Though that’s probably more to do with having little ones than being married haha.

    10. Triplestep*

      I do not miss being single BUT we have always had plenty of time away from each other and away from the kids built in to our routine. Time away from each other because his job comes with 1 – 3 evening meetings per week, and time away from the kids because it’s a second marriage and their dad would take them for weekends and/or weekday dinners. Now the kids are grown and do their own thing for the most part.

      I really don’t know marriage to this guy as a “dinner-on-the-table-and-togetherness-every-evening” kind of thing. Maybe if I did, I would feel wistful about being single.

    11. Arjay*

      Yes, I miss being single sometimes. I’m at a place in my life where I have more self-confidence (which grew from being married, I’m sure), more money, and more diverse interests. I do some things on my own, but he likes to tag along for things that he’s not really interested in and that sorta bugs me. Especially from a cost perspective – if you don’t really want to go to the restaurant or the concert or whatever, why are we spending twice as much money to go?

  74. Emac*

    What are your thoughts on tipping for food delivery (in the U.S.)? Do you tip a percent based on the price of the food (with or without tax) or on the food plus the delivery fee, if there is one?

    Getting delivery is pretty new to me. I’ve only really been doing it for the past year, since I’ve been struggling with major anxiety/depression and not leaving the house much, then discovering GrubHub and being able to order food and tip without needing cash.

    I’ve always just chosen one of the percentage tips that GrubHub shows at checkout, but just realized tonight that it is based on the total of food plus tax plus delivery fee. I guess I never noticed before because the places I usually order from have a very low or no delivery fee and tonight I decided to treat myself to something I was craving that has a higher fee. Am I alone in thinking that the delivery fee should be left out of the calculation? Am I overthinking this way too much?

    1. Anon For This*

      Tip in cash. Some of those services skim tips from drivers. Pretty much anything in cash is better than an electronic tip. And I’d go by the distance they have to drive and how complicated the delivery is (lots of stuff to carry? how easy is it to get to your place?). But it’s nice if you can be generous since delivery drivers are usually not reimbursed for gas or wear and tear on their vehicle. $5 cash per order is ideal. Less is ok if you can’t afford that. More is great if it’s within your budget.

    2. Moon*

      We tip $5 for the deliver that is in our town ( about 2 miles away), and not based on the mount of food being bought.

    4. Natalie*

      I figure including tax/fee on my tip calculation will never make more than a few dollars’ difference, so I just go off the total.

    5. Thlayli*

      Not US, but I tip 10% of total. Delivery drivers here are treated the same as waiters in America in that they make less than minimum wage and rely on tips.

    6. Beatrice*

      I tip 10% of the price of the food, regardless of the delivery fee, with a $3 minimum. I raise the minimum to $5 if the weather is bad or it’s a holiday or something.

  75. Maria*

    Does anyone like being single, but worry about it sometimes? I get lonely sometimes and worry about things. My social life isn’t exactly thriving and I have family, but they’re busy and I don’t want to bother them. I get worried as I get older because I don’t know who I would ask if I needed someone to take me to a doctor’s appointment if I needed to go or if I needed help with something.

    I’m okay for the time being, but still worry about things like this. Is anyone else like this?

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      I am. My grandmother died recently and watching my mom and her siblings rally around her, make the arrangements, clean out her apartment etc made me really think about what I’ll do if I get that old and have no spouse. Or even what would happen if I fell down the stairs or in the tub tomorrow!

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I’m not single, but I’m childless by choice. All of my siblings are much older than me, the oldest sibling and my parents are deceased, my husband’s parents are up there in age and their health isn’t great, I’m kind of a loner and only have one local friend (the others are out of state), SIL…cannot be counted on, and my nieces are nephews range from a hot mess and living mostly far away, to very responsible but even farther away. My husband is six years older than me. Although that’s not a big gap, I still worry about him passing away and I’m still kicking for 20+ years and everyone else is either far away or has also passed (mostly my siblings). I guess I worry I’ll be left all alone and have no one to help me out when needed, or to even make the decision to put me in nursing home. And actually, I have a tough time now because we live an hour away from family so I truly have only one local person-my friend-that can help out when needed.

    3. LPUK*

      Yes I spend a reasonable amount of time thinking about this! I have my sister and her family about 20 mins away, but they’re quite busy with their own lives and frankly I think I may outlive my sister even though she’s younger than me for health reasons! My nephew is currently shaping up more thoughtful than my niece, but they’re only just adult. My friends tend to be in different countries or at least 150 miles away from me, so I couldn’t rely on them. It was for this reason that I stopped working internationally and came back to the UK, hoping that I could start to build a local friend and support network. It’s not easy, but I now have friends among my neighbours and am doing my best to cultivate more. I have to be quite intentional about it as I am quite happy in my own company! The one thing that concerns me most is who I should appoint to as my decision-maker in an Enduring power of attorney ie who should I trust to make medical or financial decisions for me should I become incapable of doing so. It’s a big ask of a friend, and actually I don’t have one that I have that longstanding relationship with that isn’t significantly older than me. As so many more of us are living alone, I am very interested to see what solutions we as a society develop for this.

      1. ..Kat..*

        In the US, there are special documents that you can put together with a lawyer that spell out your wishes – what treatments you want, what treatments you don’t. I would recommend you talk with a medical professional who works in a hospital when deciding on these treatments. We hospital workers have a better idea of exactly what these treatments mean, the pluses and minuses, etc.

    4. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

      I’m okay-ish with being single, but I not for like g term. I’d hope to be married in the next ten years. But I do understand your fear. I moved to a new town and don’t have anyone to come to my aid. A few friends but none I would feel comfortable asking for help in a crisis. After a particularly rough PMS cycle mixed with a cold, I thought I would have to drag myself out of bed and find a way to Walgreens or even the 24/7 emergency room (not at a hospital – one of those chain things). I don’t have a solution or words of wisdom, I just sympathize.

  76. Red Reader*

    Late addition.

    I am at Disneyworld, eating a slab of protein in preparation to go to bed somewhat early because I have to catch a bus to the starting line of the Princess half-marathon tomorrow. I’m not aiming for speed, just a successful completion – minimum pace is 16 minutes per mile, so I’m optimistic. Fingers crossed. :)

      2. ..Kat..*

        True princesses start their marathons whenever they want, or they have a minion run for them. And they do it while wearing lovely tiaras!

    4. Sparkly Librarian*

      Hey, my sister’s doing that, too. She also ran the 5K and the 10K. I’m not entirely sure we’re related.

      Hope it goes well! Do you Disneybound?

        1. Sparkly Librarian*

          It is the thing when you dress up like a character, but not in full costume (because that is usually not allowed in the parks). For princess runs, my sis has a number of different looks… one of this year’s was Belle (blue running skirt, blue top, white apron, blue bow, book in hand) but I don’t know what else she wore for the other ones.

          CONGRATS!!

  77. Jen*

    I know it’s been asked before, but any travel recommendations for a single woman travelling alone? I’ve been itching to go somewhere but not sure where yet. I have friends out in NYC, otherwise there is a conference in NOLA, but other than that I’m not sure what to do. I’d love to go to Europe or Japan, but I don’t have that much time off or the funds yet, so somewhere in North America would be ideal right now. Any thoughts? Thanks in advance!

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      I travel alone quite a bit. If you’re staying at a hotel, I would talk to the front desk staff about good places to visit, restaurants nearby. Obviously be smart and observant. Also ask about places to avoid.

      For places: I’ve travelled extensively in Europe alone and always felt safe (last time I was in Cologne, Germany). Most Canadian cities are very safe for solo female travellers (personally I find Vancouver and Toronto a bit overwhelming but I love ina smaller city so I’m just not used to them). I can’t comment on the US because I haven’t travelled there as much but I was in Palm Springs recently and I liked it a lot.

        1. Thursday Next*

          I’m a New Yorker so I’ll always vote for coming here! I go see a lot of Off- and Off-Off-Broadway shows, often on my own; there are always inexpensive tickets to something readily available if you’re willing to take a chance. There are lots of weekend matinees, and Wednesday is a big matinee day for theater, if you don’t like being out late on your own. One less-touristed gem is BAM, the Brooklyn Academy of Music, which has a really diverse slate of drama, music, and dance. BAM is close to some cool and quirky Brooklyn boutiques on 5th and 7th Avenues in Park Slope.

          If you want somewhere smaller but vibrant, I have to say I’m a big fan of Philadelphia, particularly the museums. I haven’t done any theater in Philadelphia or Boston lately, so I can’t speak to that, but of course both cities are packed with historic sites.

          1. Pathfinder Ryder*

            Seconding! I like much the same things and soloed there in 2016, and as well as the museums, there are free performances at the Kennedy Center every night.

        3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          Ill toss Minneapolis in the ring as there are some good museums as well as theatre (though I didn’t do a lot of theatre watching there). Easy to get around, lots of very nice bike paths and a bunch of places to eat. Some ok shopping (you can do MoA if you want to go big, or there are other independent shops in St Paul and other areas). Dont go in high summer – too hot – but either side in say June or September is really nice.

          Seattle is a good option too (and probably better for the shopping aspect) although I tend to think of that more as a music focused city than theatre, but you could combine it with a trip to the shakespeare festival.

        4. ..Kat..*

          Book in the kind of hotel that has a good concierge. Call way ahead of time and the concierge can book tickets for theater, etcetera that you would never have access to.

    3. Dead Quote Olympics*

      Chicago – world class museums, great shopping and restaurants, good theater scene, a little less overwhelming than NYC. Just don’t go in the dead of winter or summer because it’s either freezing or hot and humid.

      What about Montreal? Smaller city, European flavor, although I don’t know about the museum or theater scene, but I enjoyed my visits there a decade ago, different shopping and food scene than anglophone North America.

      Ashland Oregon Shakespeare festival? They have plays year round, not just in the summer.

      1. Dead Quote Olympics*

        Just thought of an off the wall possibility — New Haven CT. They have two excellent art museums and Yale Rep Theater and Yale Drama is stellar, so even student performances in their various venues are going to be highly professional. Yale U Art Gallery and Yale Center for British Art are small but excellent art museums. The Beinecke Rare Book Museum is both an architectural masterpiece and a beautiful collection with exhibit space. It’s within an easy train ride of NYC. There might be lectures or other events on campus open to the public. Nothing is very far from anywhere else in Connecticut — Mystic Seaport, which sounds cheesy but is a serious reconstruction of maritime history, is an hour away. New Haven used to be a totally unsafe hell hole (I was there in the late 80s) but I was there a year or so ago and the immediate campus area has changed a lot. The area around Yale itself is as safe as any other Ivy League campus, the surrounding neighborhoods are still high crime.

      2. Anona*

        Seconding Chicago! Tons of museums, and an architectural boat tour. I actually enjoy summer in Chicago since there are often lots of festivals going on, but I hear you about the heat.

        1. Dead Quote Olympics*

          I lived in Chicago during grad school, and it’s the only time in my life I’ve gone to a movie, any movie, just for the air conditioning. But my memories are probably overly influenced by grad student poverty, thus no air conditioning in my brick apartment building = oversized pizza oven. I’ve been there as a visitor several times recently in the summer and it’s been manageable, now that I think about it, probably because I stayed in amply air conditioned hotels.

        2. Betsy*

          Thirding. I’m not from the US, but I loved it when I visited a couple of years ago. We just did touristy stuff, including museums and the boat tour, and the deep-dish pizza, and wandering around the University of Chicago campus, a play, and some great parks, but it was my favourite city I went to on that trip. I like multicultural places and the people were so friendly.

    4. HannahS*

      I liked Boston and went on my own, but since much of the appeal for me was walking the Freedom Trail, and hanging out in the park(s) I’d recommend waiting until the weather’s nicer and everything is green again.

    5. ..Kat..*

      There are some travel blogs out there by women who travel alone. Lots of good suggestions. I recommend starting closer to home as you figure out what works for you and then go international.

    6. Felicia*

      I’m a single woman whose travelled alone many places in the US. The ones I’ve enjoyed most are Boston and Washington DC. I think because of the history and museums.

      I found Chicago boring alone, but I think that’s because I live in Toronto and felt like Chicago was basically the same city just only in America so there wasn’t anything I couldn’t get at home.

      Toronto us a pretty cool fun place I think! And I’ve been to Montreal 3-4 times a year for my whole life and still like it! It’s different than any North American city and lots to see. For people who haven’t been there in a while it’s gotten significantly more French in the past few years but that’s just an FYI, everyone there will also likely speak English

    7. Thlayli*

      I travelled alone a lot in my 20s and stayed in youth hostels. Full of other lone travellers all looking for people to hang out with. Great fun. If I did it now theyd all be looking at me like a weirdo old woman trying to hang with time youth crowd! I think if I went travelling now I’d stay in a hotel and bring a book to restaurants, find a karaoke bar or something so im not just sitting at the bar on my own, and just go to the touristy stuff alone.

    8. Slippin' and slidin'*

      I *loved* Vancouver BC when I traveled solo there a few years ago. Would do it again in a heartbeat. Walked all of Stanley Park, took a harbor tour, ate some amazing food, watched airplanes in the floating airport, rented a bike and explored different neighborhoods…

    9. periwinkle*

      Gosh, I can’t even remember when I last traveled with someone else. My husband and I like to vacation separately, which sounds weird but it works well for us!

      Montreal, Toronto, Quebec City, and Vancouver are all fabulous cities to explore. I’m not exactly an outdoorsy person but I love mountain scenery, so I took a driving tour of the Canadian Rockies (I stayed in Jasper but Banff would have been a much better choice because there’s little to do in Jasper).

      Smaller cities can be a lot of fun. Pittsburgh, Savannah, and both Portlands (Maine and Oregon) are worth visiting. I’m fond of small local museums that focus on the history of the town/county – not a destination themselves, but great diversions during a road trip.

      For dining, I tend to eat in my hotel room because I’m tired by that time dinner rolls around; instead of looking for great restaurants I’ll look for great shops from which I can assemble an indoor picnic.

      The lovely thing about traveling alone is that it’s all about what interests you. If you want to spend the whole day gazing at a particular painting, cool, it’s your schedule.

    10. Bluebell*

      I’d second the suggestions of NYC and Chicago. Also, how about SF? I have traveled there alone for work, and really enjoyed it – beautiful parks and great museums, plus excellent restaurants. Also I just got back from a short vacation in Raleigh (thank you AAM advisors) and it’s a great place to spend a few days with museums, history, and nice outside places.

  78. PN*

    I recently started blogging as a creative side-project, and I’m enjoying it so so much. I’d like some tips and tricks on productivity by any fellow bloggers in here. Do you write on a particular schedule? How do you come up with post ideas? Do your posts go through an intense revision process, or do you tend to publish immediately?

    1. The Other Dawn*

      When I was more into it, I would write up three or four at once and then publish a couple a week. These days I’m lucky if I write a post every two weeks. I’ve been having a lot of back pain and I just don’t look forward to sitting in front of the computer to blog anymore. I want to get back to it, but I’m finding it difficult.

  79. Effie, who is pondering*

    I’m treating myself to a blowout this week! How much should I tip? I’m planning to tip cash (the salon doesn’t take cash for payments but it’s ok to tip in cash). In the past I usually tipped $5 but the prices have gone up and now it’s $44 for the blowout. Hair washing is included (no scalp massage) and blowout, no cut/color involved.

    1. Thursday Next*

      20 percent is usually what I do, so I’d go with $9.

      Enjoy! I love having someone else do my hair.

    2. ..Kat..*

      Make sure you ask for tips to make your blow out last longer! And if you like scalp massage, ask if you can pay extra for this. Heaven on a stick!

      1. Free Meerkats*

        The women’s curling team from South Korea. They are all from a town whose main claim to fame before now is their garlic production. Nobody expected much from them and they killed!

    2. Weekend Warrior*

      It was a GREAT run! No shame in losing to Sweden after seeing off the other powerhouses. And I say this as a disappointed Canadian. :)

  81. Getting Out of the Middle*

    Hey y’all, I could use some advice about how to disconnect from my family’s emotions.

    Short story: my mom and sister are both high maintenance, egocentric, and demanding people. I grew up being the peacekeeper in the house. They’ve always turned to me for emotional support – and it’s extremely draining, especially since most of the time they are complaining about each other (for the exact same reasons! they are the same people! argh). Anyway over the years I have gotten way better at enforcing boundaries with them, but they still…irritate me. Like I spend my free time thinking about telling them off and how if they would just BE REASONABLE most of their problems would be solved. They have a tendency to not listen to me when I have issues, or need to talk, or need support…because they are both rather narcissistic people. Add to this that we have very different values, lifestyles, priorities, etc. So on either side of me are two women who I think are “doing it wrong”, which is not fair of me to think – they are just living their lives differently from me, but to me it seems like if they did things the way I think they should, they wouldn’t have so many issues.

    So my question is – how do I regain control of my mind/emotions and just take a step back and let them be ridiculous? I get stressed and anxious about them way too much. We have a pretty decent relationship over all but I just don’t want to…care? about them so much. Or rather, care about “fixing” them. Advice is much appreciated!

    1. Getting Out of the Middle*

      I guess I should start by stop being so pretentious! Ha! Sometimes you just have to read your own shit to hear how you sound.

      This came off pretty harsh, and this is typically what happens…even thinking about them makes me anxious. They are not bad people, they are just needing me in ways that after 30 years, is very tiring. They respect my boundaries most of the time, but I just need help in disconnecting.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I think a good start would be clearly defining the problem and setting out what you want changed.

        Your solution could be, “Mom/sis, you already told me this.” Or “Mom/sis, I heard this before you don’t have to tell me again.”

      2. Windchime*

        I don’t think you sound pretentious at all. I think you sound like someone who is kind of fed up with the whole thing. Unfortunately, I had to basically cut contact with my sister who does this. I would like to have some contact with her, but each time I crack open the door of possibility, she rushes in and overwhelms me with texts, calls, photos, requests for help and cash, on and on and on. There is more, but it’s exhausting to think about.

        So for now, I deal with it by blocking her. Sorry, I know it’s the nuclear option but it’s where I am right now.

    2. Ruffingit*

      Set some boundaries with them. Let them both know you will no longer listen to them complain about each other. If they can’t solve their problems with each other, that is not something you can assist with by listening to the carping.

      Second, remind yourself that no matter what you do, you cannot change them. Even if you have the antidote to the poison, they are not going to accept it. Work on getting OK with that by remembering that change is personal – in order to change, someone has to want to do it. They don’t want to do it. And that is OK. Take the time you’re using to fixate on fixing them and take up a new hobby or get some therapy to help you reset your expectations of them.

      I totally get what you’re coming from. I had this same issue with a family member and there was nothing so freeing as realizing that I didn’t have to take on their problems. I finally just set some boundaries and stuck to them and realized I needed to live my OWN life. That helped a lot.

    4. families!*

      It was really helpful to me to stop reacting to when one or the other said, mostly negative, things about the other. I used to get all involved emotionally, but not I just usually say variations of “oh really”, or that must be painful or whatever but not try to suggest things they can do to get a better relationship. Over time, they both have started to confide less in me, I guess because I’m not feeding the drama so it’s not so fun for them. Immense peace of mind for me though.

  82. Disneyland/Legoland Question*

    Was talking to sister about Disneyland and the cost for a week (live in Bay Area so like a 6 hr drive to Anaheim), apparently sister’s friend just bought season passes and a hotel package(?!) bc she’s planning on going down there 5x this upcoming year. Which kudos, but seriously, has anyone heard of a hotel package where you get a deal for planning to book five vacations in a years period? Hubs and I are talking about getting a Legoland season pass bc the boys loved Legoland and it’s only 200$/person for a year, plus, Carlsbad has a gorgeous beach. So if there’s a package where I can prepay to have X number of stays at a hotel, that would be neat. Plus, we ARE planning on doing Disney at some point in the next 3-5 years, and I’m pretty darn particular about hotels. I can’t sleep in the same room as my kids, I love them, I am happy spending all day carting their asses around theme parks, but I NEED a break at night and to shut them out of my bedroom. Whether they get their own room/a pullout bed in a living room I don’t care, I just need to close the door on them at night.

    1. Ruffingit*

      Sounds like the friend may be doing the Disney passport thing. Google Disney Passport for info on that.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        Disney passports don’t do much on the hotel front (they give you a slight discount on the Disney hotels, which is extremely expensive already).

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      I know of no such package specifically for hotels. It’s definitely worth getting an annual pass if you plan to go more than 3 times in a year. Maybe the Disney Vacation Club (DVC), which is kind of like a time share?

      If you need hotel recommendations, I’d definitely recommend Grand Californian (if you can afford it—very expensive), SpringHill Suites Anaheim Resort Area/Convention Center (if you want a super comfy bed and very nice bathroom), or Park Vue Inn (if you want a no-nonsense cheap hotel that’s right across from the entrance to the parks).

      1. ZarinC*

        I highly recommend https://www.majesticgardenhotel.com
        It’s very close, just a 5 minute ride to the park–a free shuttle runs every 30 minutes and drops you off right out front. The pool and other amenities are very nice. You can easily spend the morning at the park, come back for a quick lunch and a swim, then head back to the park for more.

        1. Anonymous Educator*

          I thought the shuttle was great going to the park, but if you wanted to catch the shuttle back around midnight (when Disneyland closes), there would be a long line, and you’d have to wait for two or three shuttles to finally get back to the hotel.

          I’d say if you want a hotel that’s a bit away from the park that has a frequently running free shuttle, go with the Homewood Suites, which is right around the corner from the Toy Story parking lot. You don’t have to actually park in the parking lot. You can walk in there and take the free shuttle there, which runs pretty much every five minutes.

    1. Fortitude Jones*

      Best: Two weeks ago, I shipped my first solo proposal at my new job as proposal manager and Friday morning, I found out we’ve been invited by the potential client for an interview on Tuesday! This was a proposal I though would be DOA since the client is currently very happy with their current provider, but apparently there’s still hope for us to come in and win this contract that’s been with our competitor since 1976.

      Worst: I spent all day Friday and a couple hours Saturday working on a PowerPoint presentation for this interview. Trying to learn this company’s branding and style was difficult, and trying to distill a 115 page proposal down into a reasonable number of slides was much harder than I thought. Then I’ll have to do more post-proposal work on Monday, which I’m also very nervous about because I may not have anyone to assist me like I did on Friday with the PowerPoint since everyone else is super busy with their own post-proposal work. *sigh* I really hope I can pull it out and help win this for us.

    2. HannahS*

      Best: Read the new Tamora Pierce book! It’s a prequel, which worried me because I know full well that the main character’s best friend will become emperor of fantasy-Egypt, accuse the main character of treason, and then much later become a major villain in two books taking place half a generation later. But my concerns were for naught! It was so good. I’m excited for the next one. Also, I just love that Tamora Pierce pushes herself to write happy, fulfilled, complex non-white, non-straight characters. In the last 10-ish years she’s made a real effort to diversify, and so many creators are great for their time but don’t grow past the first progressive character they wrote.

      Worst: Remember when I complained for a few weeks about a terrible peer in medical school, Fergus-the-man-in-his-thirties-who-sent-me-nasty-emails-and-tried-to-get-me-in-trouble-for-the-gentlest-of-constructive-criticisms? I didn’t share it here, but for a couple of days I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was dangerous, which was a big part of why I was so upset. Had a talk with some friends this week…turns out, he is! He’s been sexually harrassing multiple people in our class since September. One reported it, another two haven’t. Unfortunately, the most egregious act hasn’t been reported–the person in question is too scared and upset–but I’ll be reporting my experience with him so that there’s at least a record of as much as possible, and I’ll ask about what the procedure would be on behalf of the person who’s scared to report. Very upsetting.

    3. Forking Great Username*

      BEST: Booked plane tickets for our upcoming vacation! It makes it feel so much more real and closer, and I’m getting so excited! It’s our first proper family vacation and there are seriously no words for how psyched I am about it. I also decided to splurge on spending the extra money on bigger seats on the plane, which I’m sure my legs will thank me for based on our last budget airline experience.

      WORST: My supervising teacher has been going a little nuts on me for being ill last week. Like I was in the ER getting IV fluids and tests my doctor ordered to rule out some serious stuff, and she’s sending nasty texts about how I’m behind on grading (because grading papers when you can’t stop throwing up is hard.) Then says to rest and feel better. Oh, except not, because she needs me to totally re-write some lesson plans for reasons that are stupid. And then say I’m taking too long to do that to – because who knew that trying to work with a 103 fever slows you down? Argh!

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Ha, I felt this way after doing premium economy on British Airways. Sooooo much more comfy. I’ll never go international on an American carrier again. I aspire to Business and would like to fly First, just once even.

          1. Ruffingit*

            I’ve flown first a couple of different times now, SO WORTH IT! And the upgrade fee is often not that spendy if you do it closer to the flight time or at the airport.

    4. SparklingStars*

      Best: Finally booked my 2 week trip to Italy in September! I’ve been saving up for over two years, and I’m just so excited.

      Worst: Still trying to decide if I want to be in a relationship with the guy I’ve talked about, who basically tried to invite himself along on my trip (just one of a number of other boundary-related issues we’re having). I have serious doubts as to whether he’s someone I want to spend the rest of my life with – but I keep thinking that maybe we can work through our issues (I’m certainly not perfect) and I hate dating with the fires of a thousand suns.

      1. Fortitude Jones*

        Listen to your gut instincts about the guy. Going forward in a relationship with someone you already know has boundary issues that annoy you just to get out of the dating scene, or so you don’t end up alone, is a recipe for disaster. Every person I know who settled for someone who was pinging their radar for various reasons ended up unhappy and, in one case, divorced.

      2. London Calling*

        Hi SS – I posted last week in response to yours, and unfortunately I suspected that this might not be the only boundary issue that would raise its head. As a matter of interest, why do you describe them as *our* issues? I mean, no person and no human relationship is perfect, but it does sound to me a bit like you are making excuses for behaviour from him that makes you uncomfortable by saying hey, I have issues too that he doesn’t like and I need to deal with! if what he does makes you uneasy then you are perfectly within your rights to say nope, this isn’t working for me, and walk away. By any chance, is he throwing your issues back at you when you try to get him to back off?

        Italy, eh? dead jealous here. Where are you visiting?

        1. SparklingStars*

          No, he’s never thown my issues back at me. I’m just aware that I have things that I need to be working on myself (keeping my house cleaner, for example). But yeah, I’m aware that the boundary thing is not good and I’m pretty sure I’m going to end things this week.

          Italy trip : First I’m planning to visit Pompeii and Mount Vesuvius, and then I’m doing a 10-day tour of southern Italy, starting on the Amalfi coast and ending up in Bari. I’m totally psyched!

          1. London Calling*

            Trip sounds great, I’m looking at Sicily for next year, to visit Taormina and the Greek temples.

            For what the opinion of an internet stranger is worth, I think you are making the correct decision.

      3. Observer*

        Please don’t let your hatred of dating blind you to real issues and lead you into settling for something that is really bad. This is not minor stuff like you like music and he doesn’t or even he doesn’t have the level of formal education you had always assumed your long term SO would have. This is fundamental relationship stuff.

        This guy is setting of a lot of alarm bells. Boundary issues are always a major problem. This early? It really sounds like one of the things that “potential abuser checklists” tend to have – moves too early and too strongly for excessive levels of involvement and commitment.

        I’m not saying that he’s an abuser. I AM saying that his behavior is legitimately concerning.

        1. London Calling*

          Yes, I’m sorry to have to agree with the assessment in your last para. It could be that if heis young and has only had one relationship he thinks this is how they are supposed to be.

        2. SparklingStars*

          Thanks for the feedback. I’ve talked to some friends and they all have said the same thing as you.

      4. Ruffingit*

        I’m heading to Italy in April! First time for me. Happy to tell you of the trip if it will help you plan yours :)

        Sounds like the guy you’re dating may not be worth it. If your gut instinct is saying NOPE, then listen to that.

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      Best: 28 days until my next Europe trip! (I’m taking students so I get to travel for cheap). And the weather has FINALLY warmed up here.

      Worst: this plague. I think it started as a cold but has morphed into sinus/bronchial infection. Everything is gross and I can’t breathe so I can’t sleep.

    6. Ruffingit*

      BEST: Got a lot of rest this weekend.

      WORST: Got off my running schedule. Getting back on it tomorrow.

  84. MsChanandlerBong*

    I just have to say I am really surprised that our local shelter has so many different breeds available. I figured it would be full of pit bulls and Chihuahuas (I live in the southwest, and Chihuahuas are quite popular here), and it is to an extent, but I have seen them list multiple Welsh corgis, Queensland heelers, black/yellow labs, Great Danes, German shepherds, etc. We are waiting until we buy a house to get a dog (so we don’t have to worry about any landlord restrictions), but I am really happy to know that when we are ready, we will be able to get a breed that is a good fit for our household size, activity level, and other lifestyle factors.

    1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Shelters really do get everything. A lot of people think they only get abused animals, but that’s not the case. In my area, most of the animals are owner surrenders – people who can’t care for them anymore for some reason. I volunteered at a small nonprofit shelter, and in about a year and a half they got 2 Bengals. Those are very rare, and they had 2 of them!

    2. shelter dogs*

      At my shelter, in a big city, we also get all sorts of breeds but smaller dogs and non-pit bulls tend to be adopted really quickly so it often seems that we have mostly pit bulls. But I kid you not, people line up before we open when we have smaller dogs. There almost was a fight once between potential adopters! we get about 40 dogs a day brought to us, which is really sad.

  85. CanadianUniversityReader*

    I’m curious about the differences in the cost of universities or colleges in different countries. One of the comments above really surprised me when they mentioned the cost of college. How much were your school fees? How does funding work for university in your country?

    My undergrad university fees per a year are about $13,000 (CAD) and they are considered high when compared with most people I know. We have provincial loan programs that include loans as well as grants.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      In the United States (California specifically), $34,700 for the UCs (University of California as an example of a public school) and $64,477 for Stanford (as an example of a private school). That’s for tuition, room/board, and books/supplies.

      1. LAI*

        Just to clarify, room/board can vary wildly – for example, if you live at home, they may be practically free. A year’s tuition for an in-state resident at a UC is $13,900, so a little more than the poster above once you convert to USD. The difference is that this is considered low in the US. The UCs are among the most affordable colleges in the country, especially for their value (again, for in-state residents).

    2. Simone R*

      In the US, private colleges like the Ivies are up to about $65,000+/year which includes all tuition, fees, room and board. Public university costs vary, and are different depending on where you are and whether you are attending as an in state or out of state resident. UC Berkeley is about $13k for tuition alone for in state, while the Cal states are closer to 5k, and community college could be less.

    3. Nacho*

      I spent about $10k/year on an in state college in America, which is pretty normal. We also have loan and grant programs for those who need them, with pretty good interest rates and income based repayment plans.

      1. KR*

        My state University is among the highest priced state schools in the country and the tuition price for in state students is hovering at 18g. (For comparison)

      1. Curly*

        It’s important to realize that the UK student loan repayments are on a sliding scale with your income. Below a certain threshold you don’t pay at all and above it, it’s capped at a percentage of income. And the loan is forgiven after a certain amount of time (30 years I think). In many ways, it doesn’t actually matter what your loan is because that’s not what dictates the payments. If you’re a really high flyer you might pay it back quickly, if you don’t make that much you could have it forgiven after 30 years without ever making a payment.

    5. HannahS*

      My tuition in Ontario was about 6500-7000 per year, which was pretty normal for my province + area of study. I think it’s more like 8000 now. One tricky change they made–when I was in first year, a year-long course cost $1000, and a half-year course cost something like $650. But then they did away with full year courses! So when I took first year biology, it was one full year course costing $1000, but two years later the same material was taught in two half-courses, costing more like $1300.

    6. LadyKelvin*

      I went to college 10 years ago but when I started it was $28k a year (room and board included, we weren’t allowed to live off campus) but when I graduated four years later it was $40k a year. Unfortunately my financial aid did not follow the trend…

    7. Forking Great Username*

      Oh god, I’m in my last semester and have basically hit the stage of being like LALALA CAN’T THINK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW LALALA.

      But okay. I’m going to go look and give myself the painful reminder of how much I’m paying right now to work (I’m student teaching, which counts as a full load of classes.) 6k for the semester, but I got about 2500 in federal grants to help. So it could be much worse. I go to a public university in the US – one of the ‘big 10’ schools. That doesn’t include anything beyond tuition, and unfortunately my program tends to require summer classes unless you want your degree to take a million years, so I end up having three semesters of full time classes per year rather than just two.

    8. Caledonia*

      I am in the UK, specifically Scotland which is totally different from the res tog the UK when it comes to this.

      If you are a Scottish or European resident (I.e meet criteria of and is verified as) your fees are paid for you by the Scottish Govt so is free.

      The rest of the UK (England/Wales/N.Ireland) is just over £9,000.

      If you are international (I.e outwith Europe) it’s around £16,000 a year. We have 4 years courses as standard in Scotland as well (England generally only have 3 year courses – in the first 2 years you have some flexibility in the courses you take out with your degree)

    9. ..Kat..*

      In the US, many people start at a community college (2 year college) to get their basic classes at a cheaper rate. Plus if you can continue to live with your parents, this can cut your living costs.

    10. Loopy*

      I graduated in 2010 from a small, private college. Tuition and room and board were around 47,000-48,000 dollars a year. I had a combination of scholarship, financial aid, and loans. I got lucky that I didn’t shoulder near the whole cost of that for four years because I had no concept of that dollar amount. I wish someone would have told me that even after getting a master’s degree, it will take you five or so years to even make that much per year.

      For what it’s worth my master’s cost an additional 30,000/year in state and something closer to 60,000 out of state… WITHOUT housing.

    11. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      I’m American studying at a UK university paying I think 15,000 pounds (international student rate) for a year-long master’s. My British classmates are stunned (and I’m not sure they believe us even though all the Americans in the program have consistently said this) by the fact that this is MUCH cheaper than similar American programs–not only is the actual per-year cost cheaper than most, but most American programs are longer than this one, so I’d have to pay 2-4 years’ worth of tuition instead of 1. I didn’t only pick this school because it was cheap, but it was definitely a factor in my choosing to look at schools abroad rather than just in the US.

    12. Julianne*

      My in-state price at a public university 10 years ago was about $22k/year, of which about $12k was tuition and the rest was housing/meals/books/etc. (Same school is now about $28k/year, $14k of which is tuition.) The sticker price for tuition only for my master’s program was around $60k five years ago, and is now at or almost $70k. Undergraduate tuition + room/board at that school is about $65k now; not sure how that compares to when I was attending though. That was at a private university in a much more expensive city.

    13. The Other Dawn*

      I’m in the US and I’m the first in my family to go to college. I went to a community college later in life (30s) for an associates degree (didn’t go on for a bachelors). Tuition and books cost about 550.00 per course. Anytime a niece or nephew talks about going to college, I strongly encourage them to start at a community college to get all the basics out of the way and then transfer to a university. It saves so much money. One listened and one didn’t. One has big loans to pay back (university) and the other is paying as she goes (community college).

    14. copy run start*

      I’m in the US and went to college a decade ago. Prices have jumped since then, so I’m just looking at what they cost now, since the price of school in 2007 is kinda irrelevant.

      Most state schools are funded by residents so they charge you a lot more if you go to one outside your state of residency. I went as an out-of-state student over a decade ago, and at that time the out-of-state tuition where I ended up going was equivalent to the in-state tuition at my other option if I had stayed in my home state. Looks like tuition and fees alone are $24,000 now, which is ludicrous!

      I never qualified for grants due to income, so my schooling was totally funded by loans, scholarships and what my parents could contribute. It would’ve been more affordable to live with my parents, but I don’t regret moving away one bit. Looking at the cost now I would’ve probably ended up with so much more in loans.

  86. Anonymous Educator*

    Spouse and I are going to the UK. One of the nights we’ll be spending at the house of friends (they’re very nice people). Any suggestions for a housewarming gift of the “You can get this in the States but not in the UK” variety? The only thing unique I can think of is chocolate, and the chocolate in the UK is way better than what we have in the States.

    1. Effie, who is pondering*

      Can you get hi-chews? They’re a Japanese gluten-free low-fat tasty candy that are very popular. They’re my go-to as a house-warming gift and I’ve never had anyone dislike them. I’ll usually make some handmade wrapping to make it look fancier. I mean, even if they can get them in the UK they’ll still enjoy them!

        1. Effie, who is pondering*

          Not sure, but I’ve never had a friend turn down hi-chews even if they could get them themselves :)

    4. Jemima Bond*

      Can I hijack this thread for the opposite question? I have a friend who moved with her family to DC last summer; I want to send her a parcel and am trying to think of things you can’t get in the US that she might be missing. But I have never been to the US. Americans who have lived in the UK, or Brits who have lived in the USA, have you got any bright ideas?

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Never been to America either, but what about British teabags? (PG Tips, Typhoo, Tetley etc.) Based on the stock in my local English shop, teabags and Marmite seem to be the bestsellers.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          One thing I can’t find here is anything other than tea or biscuits. Branston Tomato / Red Pepper Relish comes to mind. I LOVE it but no one carries it. I should check with this one place–they might be able to order it for me, as they did get Heinz salad cream for a homesick Brit. So odd groceries could be a good idea.

          We’re getting more British items even in the middle bit of the US. I brought back some Bird’s custard powder for a British friend once, and he was so excited–but not long ago, I found it in the international aisle of a local grocery chain.

      2. Anonymous Educator*

        Well, as I mentioned before, British chocolate is way better than American chocolate. It is possible in some places here to get imported British chocolate, but it’s not common. The “Cadbury’s” we have here, for the most part, is not real Cadbury’s. It’s distributed by Hershey’s and doesn’t taste the same at all. So some good old genuine Cadbury’s chocolate (maybe drinking chocolate?) would be a good gift.

        This may seem silly, but… anything Boots-branded? We don’t have Boots here, either.

        1. CAA*

          You can buy Boots cosmetics in the U.S. at Walgreens and some Targets. Do they have other things besides cosmetics?

      3. ex-UK resident*

        Whenever I got back to the UK or convince a friend to send me a package, this is what I miss and stock up on:
        1. Chocolate! Cadbury, Mars bars, and Aero bars are my favorites that I can never seem to find over here. Kinder Bueno bars are also a more rare find in my neck of the woods.
        2. Digestives. We can find McVities chocolate digestives over here, but I vastly prefer the store brand or the plain, and those are impossible to find.
        3. Jaffa cakes – can’t find these anywhere here.
        4. Tea, sometimes – we do have some standards like PG tips and Tetley over here, but depending on your area they can be hard to find. Specialty brands are often harder to track down.
        5. Stationary. Good quality notebooks, diaries, cards, pens and the like are harder to track down in the USA.
        6. If you are ever visiting her, fresh baked goods (Crumpets, Welsh Cakes) don’t ship well but I’m constantly craving them.

        What a sweet idea for your friend!

      4. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        I always take Hobnobs and Jaffa cakes when I visit the US (store brands are fine). I think you can get them in some shops but they aren’t cheap or easy to get. Christmas pudding and cake at the appropriate time is also popular, and I usually take a carton of clotted cream for my sister if I’m flying over (freeze it first and wrap it in some socks or something, it will stay cold in a suitcase in the hold).

        Oh, and flapjacks! They are totally unlike anything I’ve ever had in the US and everyone loves them. I think it’s the golden syrup — people have tried to make their own and they just don’t taste right.

    5. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      All I can think of is pepperjack cheese, but that probably doesn’t travel well, lol. (Miss it desperately, though.)

    6. Ron McDon*

      We love Reese’s Puffs cereal, and always buy two boxes to bring home, along with ‘flavoured’ Oreo cookies (e.g. mint). However, I have now seen flavoured Oreo cookies in the UK so won’t need to buy them from the US anymore….

      I have no good suggestions, I’m sorry! We usually buy a ‘selection pack’ of US chocolates for friends (Babe Ruth, Butter Nutters, Butterfingers etc). They aren’t widely available in the U.K. so feel a bit ‘special’.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        There are actual shops that sell American cereal, Pop-Tarts, candy bars, Twinkies, etc. in the UK. I found one in the Queen’s Arcade shopping center in Cardiff called Americandy, with a great big huge statue of Uncle Sam in it. I laughed so hard I nearly fell over.

        1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          They are everywhere now. It is quite strange, and they often carry things that I have never heard of!

    7. Kuododi*

      Just a thought… I might suggest something unique to your area but not necessarily food. Ex…where I am in the SE we have two places that make wonderful stoneware that can be personalized in whatever way you wish. When I visited friends in South America I took personalized stoneware coffee mugs for the family as a gift. We also have gift shops in our area that specialize in regional crafts and would ship anywhere. Bear in mind…. I have no clue about the current logistics of getting gifts from US to UK so I am no help in that area. Safe travels!!!

  87. Odelie*

    Can anyone offer some guidance or advice? I’m having a bit of a pity party for myself. My high school/college friends have drifted due to people moving out of state or out of the country/getting married/having kids, etc. The friendships were fun at first, but some of them became toxic and there was a lot of drama.

    My social life is basically non-existent right now, mostly by choice. It’s lonely and it would be nice to have a group of friends, but I don’t know. It’s tough because I’m not in school, I have difficulty making new friends/have anxiety about it, and part of me doesn’t want to be sucked into the drama/toxicity.

    I envy people who have an easy time meeting new people, getting their numbers and texting, when I can barely say hi and carry on a conversation! People tell me I’m funny and smart, but I’m always alone.

    1. Reba*

      Regular meetup or activity? I’ve had good luck just being straightforward with likely friend candidates: “I’m looking to make more friends! Could I get your number and text you next time I go to [thing we were chatting about]?” But it’s easier to do this the third or fourth or more time I’ve seen the person rather than right off the bat. In my current city I’ve joined a community choir, and in past places I’ve lived I joined hiking meetups and a tabletop games group–neither of those produced deep lasting friendships but they were great social outlets and ways to meet people outside my demographic.

      Sorry about the breakup of your friend group. If it helps I think the experience of friend drift is common, but friend drama maybe less so (i.e. drama/toxicity is definitely not a given when you have friends!).

    2. Temperance*

      I have made friends through activities. It makes it easier because you have an automatic thing in common.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I’m pretty much the same way. I have a tough time making friends, even though people tell me I’m funny and smart. People just tend to gravitate towards my friend/other people. I often wonder if there’s some vibe I’m giving off and I just don’t realize it.

      I’m on the fence about making new friends. On the one hand, I’d love to have more people to talk to and do things with outside of my husband, my one local friend (and I’m iffy about her sometimes–different lives), and my one local sister; I sometimes feel lonely. On the other, I very easily feel smothered by contact other than text/email/Facebook and I highly value my alone time. When my husband has to work on a Sunday, I love it: I get up early, get out to the grocery store (that seems to be relaxing for me), run a few errands and come home to watch TV, surf the net, etc. I go all day without speaking to anyone and I’m fine with it. I often compare myself to my indoor/outdoor cat: when faced with a closed door he cries to go out, and then five minutes later wants to come in, then another five minutes goes by and he wants out again.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Shift your objective. I aimed for making a lot of acquaintances. These are people whose names and faces I knew. Friendships grew out of that. It took time.

      The nice thing about spreading out like this is that there is a lot less stress. Friendship fatigue can be a thing, people grow tired of each other or whatever. New people don’t have this problem.

      1. Betsy*

        The acquaintances is a good idea. I’m in a similar position to the OP in that some of my favourite friendships have just drifted away recently and sometimes I feel a little down on myself.

        It does feel like pressure to replace my friendship circle all at once to be able to say to myself ‘look, I’m a popular person with lots of friends’ but maybe I should just try to make a bunch more acquaintances and take up invites more often and see what comes of it.

        When I’ve really tried to *push* friendships in the past it hasn’t worked and I’ve just ended up with incompatible friends.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Am chuckling. I know people’s names. So people could think that I am popular or whatever. No. I just know people’s names. And my theory is that most people would say this, “No, I am not really popular or anything, I just happen to know the names of a lot of people.”

          I will say this. It feels good to know the names of the people around me. It feels like the world is just a little less BIG. I try to remember one thing about them so I have a conversation starter. That part is a little hard, but still doable.

    5. friends*

      I think it’s important to remember that just because it seems that other people have an easy time meeting new people, that may not be their own experience. You can only see the outside action, not what goes on in their mind. As I’ve read somewhere: don’t compare your insides with other people’s outsides.

    6. All Hail Queen Sally*

      I would like to recommend the book “Personal Village” by Marvin Thomas. It is all about how to make and build friendships. I just checked and it is available on Amazon (used) for $3.50. It really helped me a lot when I went through something similar years ago.

      I am by nature an introvert and used to have some anxiety issues. While I am good with one-on-one interactions, I used to have a lot of problems in group situations. I always felt so awkward. This book really clarified a lot of things for me.

      Basically, what I do now is to focus on people who share my hobbies and interests. I have joined groups with similar interests, and I do a bit of volunteering for clauses I believe in. The most important thing was learning to let people get close to me. I know now that because I always felt so uncomfortable and awkward, I was coming across as standoffish, but really I was friendly and funny to people who really knew me.

      Good luck to you and I wish you the best.

  88. Pet sitter*

    I thought somebody was trying to get into a house while I was working tonight, but it was a raccoon. When I left, it tried to bolt through the doorway past me, and then – when I closed the door before it could get in – it wanted to stand on its back legs and stare up at me like a puppy begging. It followed me around outside. The raccoons in that neighborhood are pretty much halfway tame, but… what?

    1. Reba*

      I really think that, after the time of humans is past, raccoons are a strong candidate for next top species.

    2. nep*

      Ooh that would freak me out. We’ve got a couple in the yard; they knocked over the trash cans the other day. I hope I don’t encounter one like that.

    3. Clever Name*

      I had a raccoon claw his way through the screen door to get into my kitchen to eat my cat food. I got him to go away by spreading my own pee around the perimeter of my yard. Yes, you read that right.

  89. Ann Furthermore*

    Late to the thread tonight. Hoping for some”brave” vibes for my daughter’s friend who is doing a sleepover here tonight. They’re 9, and she’s never done a sleepover by herself before.

    She had a couple scared moments tonight, and I tried to talk her through them. I told her I know sleeping at someone else’s house feels weird, especially if you’ve never been there before, but I’m really glad she’s here. And that my daughter talked all week about how excited she was, and that I’m so glad my daughter has a friend as nice as she is.

    They’re in their blanket fort now, watching silly videos. I really hope my daughter makes it through the night without needing to call her mom to come get her. I think if she can, she’ll wake up tomorrow morning feeling very proud of herself, and then next time it won’t be so scary and overwhelming.

    Fingers crossed.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Good vibes! It sounds like she is having fun, this might go better than she expects. Good for her for stepping outside her safety zone, that is a good life lesson that she will use and use over and over.

    4. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

      I was that kid, but I was also so terrified of asking to call home. I would stay at my grandmas, or my aunts on my moms side only. When my parents dropped me off at college my dad said he would be back to get me around midnight, when I usually called. Happy to report I turned out pretty alright, with a mild case of social anxiety that I used meds to largely overcome it, save a flare up here and there.

      I guess this is a really wordy way to say I hope she made it okay, and empathize with her long distance.

    5. nep*

      How did it go? Did she end up staying and do OK?
      I had a friend in grade school — whenever there was a sleepover there was always a plan for one of her parents to pick her up early because she just couldn’t stay away from home overnight. Tough to put my finger on it — but I recall having very tender feelings for her regarding this. I reckon there was a time she was finally able to do it.
      Look forward to hearing how it went.

    3. Be the Change*

      I remember this picture being posted before and I *sooo* wanted to tickle the little round toesies…and then Alison said that it’s all a front so Olive can sneak attack!

        1. Lcsa99*

          If your Olive is anything like our cat, you probably have multiple belly pictures that would seem similar but aren’t the same. I don’t remember seeing her with one paw raised like she’s doing roll call, do it’s probably just a similar belly pic.

  91. Ange*

    Just venting a bit: had a new treatment a week ago and this week has been just awful: last Saturday I had agonising bone pain so spent the day in bed. Monday and Tuesday and most of Wednesday I was exhausted (in that waves of exhaustion rolling over you kind of way) and then Wednesday night my right knee swelled up followed by the left knee and left thumb and index finger. So now I am hobbling around on two crutches rather than the usual one. Spent part of yesterday in A&E and they confirmed that it’s a medication reaction rather than anything else but it’s just so frustrating! It’s improving but slowly. And I had to cancel all my fun plans this week.

    At least this is the last new medication I am meant to be taking, and it’s only every 6 months but I am not looking forward to the next dose. Seeing my oncologist on Wednesday so I will discuss it with her then.

  92. Jemima Bond*

    It’s 11:40 on a Sunday morning and I am traversing London toffed up to the nines (complete with improbable fascinator) probably drawing some odd looks. I’m on my way to a Jewish wedding! A first for me as I don’t know many Jewish people (the groom, and I think one chap at work, is about it) so it’s most exciting. Also I am singing in the choir and until Wednesdays rehearsal I’d never sung in Hebrew in my life so it’s a bit of a challenge. But I think it will be fabulous!
    I just thought I’d share that in case anyone was in the mood to yell mazel tov at random across the Atlantic.

    1. Isobel*

      That sounds really exciting and I bet you look fabulous! Mazel tov! (but not from across the Atlantic, sorry)

    2. Triplestep*

      Mazel Tov, and how nice that you’re singing as part of the choir in your friend’s wedding! I am Jewish and have been to plenty of Jewish weddings, but none where there was a choir, especially not a choir made up of the couple’s community. I love that – at their route, Jewish wedding traditions are about making it a community event, so it’s great that your friends have found another way to do just that. Enjoy!

    3. Jemima Bond*

      Well it was wonderful! The grom o know because he has conducted/sung with a choir I sing in, so some of us were singing plus a bunch of other people in a Jewish choir he runs. We sang lots of lovely music including a song he wrote himself for his bride (collective aww) and ending up with a medley of wonderfully stereotypical Jewish songs – Siman Tov etc; I very much enjoyed yeborech’cha and the final ai ai ai choson kala mazel tov…so joyful. The ceremony was beautiful and touching. Then we went to a lovely reception and I was ridiculously excited by the dancing lifting the bride and groom up on chairs – it’s not just on tv! Wonderful dinner (I was on the table with the fun rabbi, it was so interesting!), lovely speeches, more dancing…absolutely fabulous all round.

      2. Triplestep*

        That sounds wonderful – thanks for reporting back! (I found the lifting at my own wedding to be terrifying, but yes … not just on TV!)

  93. Elkay*

    Some Netflix/Amazon recommendations:
    Mindhorn – written by/starring Julian Barrett from The Mighty Boosh and Simon Farnaby from Horrible Histories/The Detectorists – a washed up actor has to reprise his role as a Mindhorn, a detective when there’s a murder and the suspect will only speak to Mindhorn
    The Hunt for the Wilderpeople – written/directed by Taika Waititi who made What We Do In The Shadows (and a Marvel film I think) a foster child and his foster dad go on the run in the bush after the authorities think the boy has been kidnapped.
    The Barkley Marathons: The Race That Eats Its Young – documentary about a race in the Tennessee mountains – 5 loops of 20 miles in 60 hours with a whole bunch of bizarre traditions around it e.g. not being told the actual start date of the race. I’m not a runner but this was fascinating, I think it’s as much a mental challenge as a physical one.

    1. Weekend Warrior*

      Just watched the Wilderpeople last week. Really good! “And what’s behind the third door?…Vegetables?” :)

    2. Elizabeth West*

      My favorite new thing on Netflix lately is Dark. It’s a German show something like a cross between Broadchurch and Stranger Things. I HIGHLY recommend that if you’re in the U.S., you watch it in German with English subtitles; the American dubbing is utterly horrendous. With the subtitles, you get the actual acting and it’s much better. You’ll have to change it because it defaults to the dubbing.

      1. Merci Dee*

        I’ve read about Dark, and keep meaning to watch it. Then I sit down on the couch to start it, and in about five minutes all I’m watching is the back of my eyelids. Yeesh.

  94. Triple Anon*

    Puppy update. I’ve been posting about some heavier things lately so I want to share something lighter. My dog is adorable! He’s two. He’s not a puppy anymore, but he still has that attitude.

    I rescued this guy about a year ago, getting him out of a bad situation. It was upsetting. He had some medical issues related to neglect, but I’m happy to say he’s made a full recovery and is a total sweetheart. Very cuddly and wants to be a Good Boy.

    But it’s hard to be a Good Boy when you’re a young, athletic medium sized dog. He wants a lot of play time. He whines and barks, trying to get me to go back outside and keep him company or throw a ball for him. He’s not satisfied with indoor play time. He wants to be outside, patrolling the yard, with me keeping him company. If I leave him outside alone, he barks until I come and get him, then whines to be let out again.

    I’ve been working on ignoring the whining. He responds my getting up from my side, where’s he’s snuggled up with me, making a loud SIGH and going to lie down in another room. Like he’s saying, “If you’re not going to do what I say, I won’t hang out with you.” Teenagers!

    He also likes to break into the front yard just to show that he can. Then he makes me chase him while grinning like he thinks it’s the funniest joke.

    But, aside from that, he’s so sweet and affectionate. I think he’ll grow up to be a really great dog once he mellows out and gets some more training.

    1. Anono-me*

      They make wrist rockets for tennis balls. The things can really get some distance. If he likes fetch, it might tire him out more than just a regular game of fetch.

      1. Triple Anon*

        Yes! I want to try that with him. His favorite game is Keep Away. He likes for me to throw a ball, but instead of bringing it back, he runs around the yard while I pretend I’m trying to take it from him. He’ll play regular Fetch, but he thinks the other game is more fun. He’ll run in circles, stop at one of his excavation sites to dig and try to bury the toy, then keep going when I make a face like I’m going to catch him.

          1. Triple Anon*

            Aw.

            Another cute thing. Sometimes he throws the ball for himself! He kind of spits it out while nodding and then scrambles to pick it up before I do. He does this little dance like, “OMG I dropped the ball!” but it’s obvious that he’s doing it on purpose.

        2. Anono-me*

          The secret to dealing with tennis ball hoarding is to have way more tennis balls than your dog can fit in his mouth.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      My dog does the “teenager” thing too. Less now that he’s a little older, oddly enough, but he’s been known to walk out of rooms full of people (he loves people) if they’re not paying enough attention to him. He usually heads to his crate. I kind of love that he chooses that route instead of getting extra annoying.

      Your buddy sounds like an awesome boy! Keep up the good work and the fun.

    3. All Hail Queen Sally*

      Do you have a dog park near you? Perhaps that will tire him out. My city has several parks and they are quite popular.

      1. Triple Anon*

        Yes, but he’s not that great with other dogs so we can’t do dog parks. Fortunately he has a pretty big fenced in yard and my schedule is flexible enough that I can come home and give him exercise throughout the day. The fence isn’t secure enough for him to be left in the yard alone, but it’s great when he’s supervised and kept busy playing ball and stuff.

  95. Kickin' Crab*

    I just bought a house! After 10 years of apartment living, I am definitely ready, but I’m also absolutely terrified. It’s new construction (so hopefully less maintenance) in a good neighborhood, but it’s at the very upper end of my budget, so the downpayment is pretty much going to wipe out my savings. We’re still in the due diligence period, so I can still walk away without too much of a financial hit. Trying to sort out whether my fear is just cold feet.

    Pros: permanent home, no more rent increases, established community, bikeable to work (or 3 blocks from a bus route, if the weather is bad), can possibly get a dog
    Cons: OMG THAT IS A LOT OF MONEY

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Sounds like cold feet to me. It’s something new and unknown and it’s natural to worry. I think we all go through the same thing. I went through it when I bought our current house. Although we had already owned a house, we were moving 45 minutes away from everyone and it’s a VERY old house (1735) with much more property, so I worried a lot about maintenance.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      You may find it to your advantage to refi in a bit. So there is that to consider.

      Put yourself on a strict bare bones budget to begin with, you can loosen the budget as you go along. Make a list of what bills to expect. We have a town/school tax, a county tax and a village tax. So 3 property tax bills a year. Then we have water rent twice a year. If you know what is on the horizon you can build a plan for it.

      The first six months we were here were the worst, we did not even have pocket money, after that we got our annual raises and we exhaled.

    4. Damn it, Hardison!*

      We also went through a “oh my god, what’s have we done?!” phase when we bought our house, and it was also at the upper end of our comfort zone. Thankfully it went away after a week or so. It’s a huge step so it’s no wonder that you are second guessing yourself. Take a few deep breaths and try to focus on all of the good things about owning your own house!

    5. Slippin' and slidin'*

      Been through that panicky feeling EVERY TIME I have bought a house. Even when we were able to do it without a mortgage! I think it’s completely normal.

    7. First time buyer*

      I know how you feel, I’m so close to buying a place of my own but it’s terrifying.

      Good luck.

    8. periwinkle*

      Perfectly normal reaction, and one of many possible reactions to buying a house.

      We bought our first house 3 years ago. Our realtor called me to announce our offer had been accepted and I went into a happy dance. Then I called my husband, whose response was “[bleep] [bleep] [bleep] Wait, I have to pack, too. [bleep]”

      No more rent increases, but now you’re in for property tax increases and the realization that the lifespan of an appliance may be shorter than you’d expect…

      Congrats!

      1. Merci Dee*

        As someone who had to replace my heater and air conditioner this month, after living in my house for 9 months, all I can say is …. AMEN. I was hoping for at least 5 years before something crapped out on me…..

  96. I am still Furious!!*

    So here we are at the end of February, and no settlement proposal. Ugh. I must admit I’m impatient. This marriage has been over for years. Just tell me what you want so we can end this already. I really think 5 months is enough time to come up with a preliminary idea.

    On a positive note, if he does nothing, in 7 months I can petition a judge to make a ruling. Sighs.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Not to be Negative Nancy, but I have found it helpful to gear up for worst case scenario. This helps me to be less disappointed by what happens next. Usually, what happens is a bit less than worst case scenario but still not the best thing. And I am prepared to handle the practical side of the fallout, it ends up just being a matter of processing the emotions that go with the fallout. And the emotional part can keep us pretty occupied while we process just that part. At least other things are taken care of.

      Ironically, the longer this dude drags things out the more he is proving to you that you are right in ending this.

    2. Clever Name*

      So why do you need to wait on him for a proposal? Can’t you draw up what you want and provide it to him to say yes or no to?

    3. OperaArt*

      Food trucks are a popular option here for smaller weddings. Sometimes two or three trucks so people can select what they want.

  97. Second Wedding Questions*

    Looking for a bit of advice regarding second weddings.

    Long story short, I’m in my mid 50’s, divorced, and reconnected with a college boyfriend. We both went our separate ways years ago, married other people, had kids, got divorced, and we’ve been spending time together, dating, and he proposed :) We want to have a small ceremony with just close friends and family, and get married outside on his family’s farm.

    The only experience we both have with weddings is the tux, white dress, formal church wedding stuff. We would like to be very casual, like a nice suit and tie for him (he has plenty of suits for church) and a nice pastel or off white dress for me, nothing formal. We also thought about having a BBQ type buffet afterward, again, nothing fancy. Basically, we want to get married, have family and friends there to witness, and have a relaxed meal and fun atmosphere. The fact that we will be together again after all these years means more than the actual trappings of the ceremony.

    Anyone else have any ideas or experiences with this?

    3. CAA*

      Congratulations! I went to a wedding for a couple in similar situations last month. The children (all young adults) of the bride and groom were the ones who acted as attendants and then the oldest child from each side gave a toast during the reception. You could really see that the kids were happy that their parent had found this new relationship after a long time alone and that they supported the marriage and welcomed the new spouse to the family. Seeing that just made me even happier for my friend who got married.

      I also liked that they had several flavors of fancy cupcakes instead of a big cake cutting ceremony. It was fun and felt really appropriate for a second wedding.

    4. Clever Name*

      A friend of my mom’s got married for the second time in our living room. Reception was in the back yard. It was a small and lovely wedding. They’ve been married for 30 years now I think. :)

    5. Anono-me*

      Congratulations! That sounds lovely.

      If you wear a dress, maybe pick one that ends atleast a few inches above the ground or can be busseled to do so. That way it won’t be so dirty at the end of the evening.

      There are places that rent trailers with 3-4 nice bathrooms, one of which is usually more accessible. ( If the farm won’t have enough bathrooms for the guests and you don’t want the construction site style portable toilets.)

      Also, I was older than average, but I found still found the wedding sites to be helpful, especially weddingbee (but not as nice as this one.)

    6. Triplestep*

      Congratulations!

      I got married for the second time at age 39, and my husband – who had never been married before – was 42. I didn’t have a wedding the first time, so we wanted to do something in between “casual” and “all the trappings”. Like you, we just figured out what was important to us and focused on that.

      I was surprised that even buying into ANYthing labeled “wedding” made service providers (caterers, photographers, etc) assume lots of things they tried to politely force on us. So while my advice is to hire just a couple of pros if it’s in your budget – like a caterer who will come to the house and a real, non-related photographer – I would frame it as a “family party”, at least in initial conversations.

      1. Star Nursery*

        The casual small wedding sounds delightful and memorable. I had a small relaxed wedding and it was perfectly right for us.

    8. Kuododi*

      Dear sister and her husband are second marriages for both. She arranged for immediate family on both sides to come to a B&B in the NE where she had booked a weekend for the family. That Saturday evening, we went to a beautiful historical church and I officiated the service. (No bells no whistles just immediate family.). As far as clothing, she bought a lovely light lemon colored beaded dress. The rest of the ladies picked their own semi formal dresses and the men wore nice suits. After I officiated the service, we went back to the B&B where they had a special celebration dinner prepared. The whole experience was very low-key, family connected and absolutely beautiful…..!!!! Best wishes to you and your beloved!

    9. periwinkle*

      That sounds perfectly lovely. The only core element is that there’s someone authorized to do the legal bit. The rest is all whatever you want.

      Just make sure there are plenty of napkins and perhaps some moist towelettes to deal with stray BBQ sauce!

    10. Jillociraptor*

      Some family friends did exactly this (though it was their first wedding and they were in their mid-20s) and it turned out lovely.

      You might check out the blog A Practical Wedding, which has a lot more variety of ceremonies and receptions. You might get some good ideas and tips!

    11. BRR*

      I got married in a local restaurant. They’re closed for lunch on saturdays so we had the whole place and had the ceremony in the bar area for about 45 people. Was very reasonably priced.

    12. Stellaaaaa*

      If possible, have a conversation with each invitee about the wedding you’re envisioning. If it’s a casual afternoon thing and gifts aren’t necessary, that’s easier to convey in person or over the phone, than in the invitation. I’d also be willing to spend a little money to make things easier. You can order a catering package for 50 people for $500 or less. Look through the websites for your favorite local restaurants and see if they do catering – you’d be surprised by the options available to you outside of the wedding industry. Even throwing down $200 on a few trays of sides can lift a huge burden.

      Along those lines, I’m reminded of a second-wedding my mom recently went to. My mom had a really awful time. The ceremony was longer and more serious than the social group seemed to think was warranted (the bride had talked about it being more casual) and there was a lot of confusion over whether the reception was a meal or light snacks. Some people showed up expecting a full dinner and filled their plates as such. There were a lot of people who didn’t get any food at all. Basically, there’s less of a script for second weddings so it’s best for everyone if you make the details very clear to your guests.

  98. Nervous Accountant*

    Egg sandwich w Mayo? Is that unusual? My dad would make the best egg sandwiches w mayo.

    I reverse parked in a parking lot for the first time yesterday. A little driving wffomplishment that I would’ve texted my dad about. I broke down crying.

    Man I miss him.

    1. Thursday Next*

      I’m sorry, NA. How do you feel writing about him here? The egg sandwich thing made me smile; it seems like such a sweet memory of him.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I like writing about him. I’ve been posting openly on social media about it. That’s all we have left now, nice memories

    2. Enough*

      I personally use Miracle Whip but don’t know what you would use instead of mayo. Congratulations on the parking. And I’m sorry about your dad. For my mom it’s a peanut butter and sweet pickle sandwich.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I think whats common here (NYC) is bacon egg and cheese, as far as i know that’s not made w mayo or any spread..maybe toasted with butter.

    3. Cruciatus*

      Definitely not unusual. That is how my mom made ours and that is now how I make mine. It gives it a little something extra! Your dad was on to something.

    4. Someone else*

      I don’t think it’s unusual. I’ve had egg sandwiches with or without mayo. But even if it were, if you like how it tastes, who cares if it’s unusual? You do you. My favourite sandwich is still one my dad used to make me when I was little, and apparently none of my friends had ever heard of eating such a thing, but I still do it. Because it’s good.

        1. Someone else*

          I’d rather not say since it might be a bit too personally identifying, especially to people who knew him. My main point is: dad sandwiches. I am 100% with you there.

    5. Alpha Bravo*

      Totally get it NA. First time I was kneading bread dough after my husband passed I broke down. The last time I’d baked, it was to tempt him to eat. And now I’m crying again. I miss him every day. Love and peace to you.

    6. nep*

      Sorry for your pain. Sweet memories.

      My mom always made them with mayo. I remember a classmate’s mom would make her egg salad with mustard and mayo.

    7. Jules the First*

      Mine used to chop black olives into my egg and mayo…

      And I too have been known to text my dad a photo of my beautifully paralell-parked car.

      Cherish your memories and thank you for reminding me I should tell him I love him today.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        Cherish every moment with your father. <3 I told my husband my dad would be the second person (husband would be #1) I would have texted and the realization just killed me.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      He knows. He saw you. He’s proud.

      My dad liked sandwiches made a particular way. Bread then peanut butter then sliced banana. On the other side bread, then mayo then lettuce. And put it together.
      I never tried it, because it was just to mind-bending for me. Now I realize because of heredity I probably would have liked it.

    9. Ask a Manager* Post author

      It’s been 16+ years for me, and I still sometimes break down crying when something good happens to me, thinking about how my dad will never know. Happy things are sometimes kind of bittersweet now. He’s missed so many things.

      But also, at least in my experience, the first year is the absolute worst. I still miss him so much it hurts, but it doesn’t feel like I’m being stabbed with a knife anymore, the way it sometimes did the first year.

      I’ve found comfort in two things, and maybe this can help you too: One is in talking to people who knew him, and being able to share his memory (and in particular to my uncle/his brother, who’s able to tell me things like “your dad would be really proud of X,” which is really comforting to hear). Two, I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of legacy — about what his legacy is, and how part of it is reflected in me and my sister. I share a lot of his traits, and it’s comforting to know that in a lot of ways he lives on in me (and in one of my nieces in particular too).

      But I bet you really do miss him. It sucks.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I just had the “legacy” talk with my husband as well, that my brother and I are his legacy. Everyone says I look exactly like him and even before my husband would say we have the same traits (some that would drive my mother and husband crazy). And it scares me bc I can’t hold a candle to my dad. Everyone he met loved him, he did his best to foster good relationships with everyone. He worked his ass off to give my brother and mother and I a good life. I feel like I will never live up to him bc he was so great. He lost his father when he was around 20, and still thought of him…..I just couldn’t conceive that one could think of someone for 50+ years until now. I find comfort in lots of things (that hes finally seeing his father and mother and siblings), but I just miss him so much.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          No you won’t match him at his own game. But over all you will find your way in life and in work and you will be just as much the quality person he was. I can kind of figure that right now, because you see the value and you want to strive for similar. Remember, he did not get there over night. You came into his life when he was how old? So he had a running start on you. As you grew so did HE. Although his body had grown up, his mind/heart were still growing and developing. We are all a work in progress right up to our last day.

          I have often thought that if we could stop loving them then we could stop missing them and grieving their loss. But do we want this? I am thinking not.

          I have been reading a Chicken Soup book, “Touched by an Angel”. Dunno if that type of thing appeals to you or not. I find some comfort to listening to other people’s stories about their loved ones.

  99. Dame Judi Brunch*

    Did we ever get an update on the employee that had a Leap Day birthday and her company didn’t give her a day off or gift like every other employee received for their birthdays?

  100. Elizabeth West*

    I’m participating in #ShineALight4Europe on Twitter, a pro-EU event. I lit a candle and posted it with the hashtag. It might be night in the EU and Britain, but it’s 12:30 pm here and I had to work to find a dark corner, haha.

    I’ll have to blow it out soon to clean the house. BOY is it dirty. I just haven’t been able to muster the energy to do it. Living in an old junky place is demoralizing. No matter how much I clean, it never looks it. :( But now that the Olympics are over, I have no excuse, haha. And it’s warming up a tad, which makes going in and out of the garage a little less agonizing. Brr. But I think I’ll enjoy the candle for a few more moments before I get started.

    1. The RO-Cat*

      I personally thank you, Elizabeth. I strongly believe the future is together, not separated. I have no hope I’ll ever see The United States Of Europe in my lifetime but I work towards this goal however I can, nonetheless.

        1. Grandma Mazur*

          Posting late but also wanted to say thank you (I’m in the UK). Hope the cleaning wasn’t awful!

  101. Loopy*

    Thank goodness for silver linings. Found my tire entirely flat today and had to forgo my fun Sunday plans to get it patched. But hoo boy so much better than finding it that way at 5 AM on Monday morning.

    Anyone else have those things sucks but could have been sooo much worse stories?

    Feeling weirdly grateful to have my Sunday ruined. Odd feeling.

    1. Star Nursery*

      That’s a great way to frame it! Definitely sounds like a better time to get flat than on a Monday morning.

        1. Star Nursery*

          I do have a story of when a car problem happened at the best time… I have other stories but this one is fresh in my mind… During a road trip from Midwest to Arizona and back, we ended up with car trouble at the best time. The brakes stopped working. It happened when we were leaving a parking lot on a pit stop on a cleae day and at low speed is just taking off from a stop for food in Nebraska.

          The day before we had driven through Colorado (winding hilly roads) and then the day after that it was pouring rain non-stop for the 8+ hours across Nebraska and Iowa. So glad we didn’t lose brakes in Colorado or the next day during the rain. Praise God for protection.

    2. Laura H*

      I have one

      Bolt popped off the walker on Wednesdayand as they connect the pieces together, it and I took a tumble. Thankfully did not happen at work, and it was a common bolt size- easy fix.

      Falls are no fun.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I used to think that Old People found reasons to be grateful that something was not worse. Now I am officially an old person.
      My car was making a banging noise, it had rhythm or like a regular beat to it. I was ticked and decided to push to get to work anyway. I kept my speed at 50 or less. I got to work and called my friend who bails me out from time to time. He came right away. He could not believe I made it to work, several of the lug nuts on one tire had worked loose. The tire was getting ready to come off.
      We even kind of marveled that he was home to answer my call. This could have been a lot, lot worse.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Thanks! Sometimes we are more fortunate than we deserve. This was one of those time for me.

    4. Overeducated*

      Yup – spouse and I got a mild but contagious ailment requiring antibiotics Friday. Had to miss 2 hours of work to get to the Dr for prescription, which was super annoying since I really dont want to be taking leave during my notice period, but they wont give me a prescription without seeing me. Silver lining: we persuaded a kind nurse to help us get an extra prescription for the kid so we wouldnt have to spend the weekend driving 45 minutes each way to urgent care if he came down with it too, given we know exactly what it is. So far kid has had no symptoms but that peace of mind of not having the weekend ruined was really nice!

    5. LizB*

      Related to my comment way below: my car has an engine problem that means I basically need an entire new engine. However:

      1. I got it into the mechanic before it kicked the bucket on the highway
      2. I have an extended warranty and my deductible is only $100
      3. The warranty company barely fought the claim at all, speeding up my repair time by a lot
      4. This rental car was free for the first week and not too bad beyond that

      So, really sucky, but probably the best possible outcome of the sucky situation.

  102. Bluebell*

    Anyone out there celebrating Purim this week? I am so out of ideas for costumes. Any suggestions appreciated, especially one I could do with my husband. (A few years ago we were the Red Sea, which was very fun. Last year we didn’t dress up at all. )

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I unfortunately don’t have any suggestions but I have to ask, how did you dress up as the Red Sea? That sounds really innovative and I am so curious!

      1. Bluebell*

        We both wore red tshirts and I had some red netting that we used as ponchos. Then we pinned a few small stuffed fish ( I think they were dory and memo ) to the netting. My husband wore a Cincinnati cubs hat too. And then we’d walk next together then split apart like the Red Sea!

    2. HannahS*

      Yep! I don’t know what I’ll do though. Might try to find a megillah reading on Thursday morning, but my city doesn’t seem to have options that are friendly to young people outside of Chabad and Orthodoxy. My default costume is Red Riding Hood, because it’s pretty easy to make, is reusable, and is comfortable since you can wear a cape over everything from nice synagogue clothes to that outfit you borrowed from your friend’s roommate that time they dragged you clubbing on Halloween and you vowed to never go clubbing again. Anyway, plants: wear brown or green bottoms, a green top, and grab some fake flowers and vines from the dollar store and attach them to yourself. Hot glue works best, so you might want to grab the base clothes from the thrift store.

    3. Triplestep*

      I’m not one of those people who automatically finds men dressed as women funny, but for years I tried to get my son to go as “Drag Queen Esther” just for the play on words. He was not into it.

      Our Megila-reading is Wednesday night; I’ll think of something by then.

      1. Nana*

        My favorite costume: Some years ago, there was a picture of a VERY Orthodox man with his 6 or 7 young children…all of them in red Santa Claus costumes. Obviously, none of them had any idea of what they were wearing.

  103. inthemood*

    I apologize if this post is not appropriate for this thread. Alison, I will understand if you delete. What do you watch when you’re looking for something sexy, but not cheesy? I find porn to insult my intelligence and too cheesy for my enjoyment.

    1. Thlayli*

      Depends on what you mean by sexy. There’s a number of genres what could fit that description. Romance, rom coms, movies with celebrities you find sexy in them. There are some mainstream non-porn movies that are borderline – magic mike, 50 shades of grey etc. Even mainstream movies have lots of topless men and women in them – and sometimes read view nudity. I think full frontal is where Hollywood draws the line though.

      Different people find different things sexy really. I would personally find specific celebrities sexy and would like movies with them in them, preferably doing action-type things. Think hugh jackman in wolverine type of thing. But a movie on its own wouldn’t be enough to get me in the mood. watching x-men, snuggling on the couch and drinking some wine, then sticking on some music and chatting and kissing – a million little things would all add up to make the mood for me, not just a movie.

  104. Cruciatus*

    Has anyone else encountered a house that wasn’t quite what you imagined buying but you could picture yourself there more than other houses? Did you end up buying that one?

    There’s a house that’s on the market and it’s nice, but not quite everything I thought I wanted and yet…I can see myself in this house more than others I’ve looked at. I’m trying to figure out if I’m just ignoring flaws or maybe this house just suits me for whatever reason. Today I went to the open house and it’s not perfect–the yard is even smaller than it looked in the photos, there isn’t a lot of storage space (and the “basement” is only a partial, like 1/4 of the second floor), and though it’s 1500sq.f the rooms are each kind of small (though “the bones” seem good, as they say). But when I think about floor plans and furniture I can more easily imagine them for this house than others (and I’m not very good at that sort of thing). I thought I was into open floor plans and big rooms so I’m concerned about why it doesn’t bother me that this house has none of those things (and would I regret it if I did buy this house?). The house would be just for me, by the way. Has anyone else had that happen?

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Unless you’re super rich and/or building your own house, I think it’s rare to get everything you want in a house. I’d be worried about lack of storage space though, especially if it’s that way in the kitchen too. That can really start to grate on you quickly. But maybe you can envision a way to make more storage space in there, especially if it’s just you living there — maybe you could devote one of the bedrooms to storage or turn a closet into a pantry or so forth. But that’s the piece I’d scrutinize. Overall though, I think it’s normal to sort of refine and change what you’re looking for as you look, or to be surprised by what you like.

    2. Helpful*

      I think open floor plans are great in theory but not in reality; perhaps that’s where you are. Separate rooms are great for quiet activities, privacy, and not seeing the messes in the other rooms! The really essential things to me are things like location, size, and overall layout— stuff I can’t change or remodel.

    3. Clever Name*

      Well, I always envisioned myself living in a small historic home because that’s what I grew up in. I prefer separate rooms with doors (dammit). I’m now living in a huge open concept house built in the 90s, and I absolutely adore my house.

    4. Lcsa99*

      I honestly believe that when you find the right place it will speak to you. It certainly did for us…

      However, I also believe that when you’ve been looking long enough, you start looking past things that would definitely make the house a hard pass in other instances. Only you can really know what it is in this case. My husband and I put an offer on a place that honestly would have been a mistake even without the things that eventually made us back out (was I really gonna spend that much money on a kitchen with TWO drawers?). You should take the time to think honestly about what you NEED, and if this place still fits that description, then maybe it is the one speaking to you.

    5. Cruciatus*

      It’s not that there is zero storage, but I’m coming from my parents’ 3000 sq. ft. house (that they did build) that has walk-ins in every bedroom, a large pantry, a pretty large kitchen that has a desk/book case area, and a breakfast nook (that we never use), and a full, unfinished basement that we have full of stuff we don’t get rid of, 4 bathrooms (3 of them full). This house is half the size of that one but I would probably be fine, especially if I did fake built-ins (using IKEA Billys). There is a 2 car garage and I’d only need to use one side for my car. There’s a shed. There’s that small basement I mentioned, but also a laundry room that is a pretty good size (though I really wish it wasn’t broken up from the the basement as it would seem even larger). I feel like something just clicked with this house that made me more realistic. Like…do you really want a 2000 sq. ft. house like you thought? You have to A) clean that, B) heat/cool that, C) and it’s just a way to HAVE MORE STUFF that you don’t need. I think before I kept picturing things I was going to do in the house that are very unlikely. Why do I keep thinking I’m going to have all these large parties? I don’t know people! (I mean, I do, but not enough to have huge parties). Living room is small, but it shares a wall with the kitchen which is a few feet higher and the wall has a large cutout with railing to open the space up. This is actually practical for me because if I’m in the kitchen cooking I could still hear the TV, or radio if I have it set up near the TV, etc. I think the kitchen could take on an island so extra storage there. And the pros are it’s in the good (better anyway) school district in the city (that I don’t need, and maybe never will, but good to know), it’s 10 minutes or less to work, it’s a good, safe neighborhood (I know people that live just a few houses down–maybe they will come to these huge parties I somehow thought I was going to have!). OK, the yard’s small, but I really only want a small garden and this way it’ll take me 20 minutes to mow the law. It’s 5 minutes or less to the major highway. It’s somewhat central in the city so you can get anywhere in probably 20 minutes or less. I keep looking at the pictures I took over and over and over. This house definitely has my attention more than others for whatever reason. It’s not a beauty, but it seems like a good house. I guess my subconscious is trying to tell me something.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        When we bought last year, we bought way more house than we needed and I don’t know if I’d do it again. I love the house, but it’s much more space than we need — and that means upkeep costs more too.

        I think what you’ve described sounds great. Even if you never use the schools, the fact that it’s in a good school district will be good for your housing value and resale ability. In my old place, I had a cutout between the kitchen and living room and loved it. And it sounds like the storage situation isn’t too bad! Do you have enough kitchen storage? That’s the one thing that I’ve found gets really frustrating if you don’t (because you can store other things in other places, but you want most of your kitchen stuff right there).

        I say go back and tour it again, and this time imagine you’ve decided to buy it, and see how you feel about that!

        (Sorry. Now that I’m not house hunting anymore, I like to live vicariously through others who are.)

        1. New Bee*

          I remember you saying you have a ton of bedrooms–what do you use them for? I grew up in a large family with multiple people to each bedroom (in a 4-bedroom house), so it’d be a dream to have a craft room, workout room, etc.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            One for the actual bedroom, two guest rooms, one office for me, and one office for my husband! We don’t actually need two guest rooms so I may try to find something more interesting to do with one of them.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I suspect you are struck by the practicality of day-to-day living in this house. You can see yourself making a go of it.
        Many of the things you are saying here parallel my experience with choosing this house. Postage stamp lot, not much storage, some of the rooms seem a little small etc. On the first walk through I could even see where to put the dog run. I have absolutely NO regrets. It IS my house.

        My house was not a beauty either. We had been here a while and we put siding and some trims on it. It was funny to watch people drive by and do a double take. Like you said this house has good bones, it responds very well to a little sprucing up here and there. I have a one car garage which I hated for years. My friend ended up with free paint and offered to paint the garage for me. So he painted it this grayish-tan color with white trims. It came out so good, that garage I hated now looks really cute. This is what good bones does, it cleans up very nicely.

        I may be putting in my own bias, but I think you have found your house.

    6. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I think you’ve found your house too. It sounds great! And I think the trend is moving away from open plan. Open plan houses are noisier and don’t always feel human-sized. Actual rooms are cozier. And if you got a bigger house you’d just fill it with stuff. IKEA is great for showing you ways to squeeze more use and storage out of small places. And our tiny galley kitchen two houses ago was our best functioning kitchen.

      How big a party do you imagine yourself throwing? We host a holiday party every winter and invite about 60 people. We usually get about 30, but we used to get about 50 back when all the kids came. Our first level is 800 square feet and the kids were in the basement, so it’s a tight squeeze but fun. The trick is to spread the food out in different rooms so people aren’t all crowded in the kitchen.

    7. Temperance*

      I bought a 1905 with no real closets. I’m a person who loves the look of sterile, empty homes. I also knew that finding another single family home in my hot neighborhood was going to be impossible without spending an extra 90k or more.

      I don’t regret the decision, especially because the low purchase price meant that we could pay in cash for renovations to make the place more comfortable/livable.

    8. LCL*

      It sounds like this house is what you want. The setup of your parents’ while it sounds very nice, would be huge and overwhelming for one person. When we bought our house, it had (or rather lacked) a feature that we had said was a deal breaker. Our house has 1 bathroom, which is unusual for American houses of this size. We bought anyway, and never did install the second bathroom.

      1. Merci Dee*

        When I bought my house last year, it had only one bathroom, too. My agent, bless her sweet little heart, tried to convince me to get a place with two bathrooms because it would be better for resale. I told her that I truly understood where she was coming from, but that I didn’t plan on selling unless some major emergency came up that forced me to relocate cross-country. I also told her that it’s just a kid, a cat, and me in the house – and that the kus will be leaving for college in about five years. I’m pretty sure the cat wouldn’t need his own bathroom after the kid leaves. So one toilet was enough for us, thanks. :)

    9. Yorkshire Rose*

      We bought a house that fit 90% of our criteria. The small yard ended up being a bonus, because, less mowing! Less landscaping!

      Unlike other replies, I LOVE LOVE LOVE our open floor plan. We used to live in a townhouse, and frankly it got claustrophobic. We have no kids, will not be having kids, yet we have over 2000 square feet, a finished basement, and 3 bedrooms. We have the means to employ a cleaning lady too, which takes some of the upkeep burden off of it. The two car garage is amazing since we live in a climate where it gets extremely cold (below zero) in the winter.

      The spare bedrooms are great for overnight guests – we don’t have any family that lives locally, so we needed the spare bedrooms so everyone could sleep comfortably.

      IMHO, separate bathrooms are the key to a blissful marriage/domestic partnership.

  105. Katy*

    NEED ADVICE!
    I’m a mid-thirties woman currently in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend who lives in Denver. I previously worked a stressful job and took a new job last October which has been wonderful. Challenging, interesting and I work with great people.
    When I took the job last fall, I knew eventually moving to Denver was a possibility…but couldn’t stay in my previous soul-sucking job much longer.
    Now, I know I want to move to Denver soon. No one at my company works remotely so I can ask, but would not be surprised if they say no.

    I’ve never had to choose between a job I love and a relationship before. I’m fearful I won’t find a good job in Denver (much tighter job market) and I’ll regret leaving this position.

    I’d love to hear any insight or advice!

    1. Helpful*

      How permanent is your boyfriend/his job? How robust is your career path in your current city? In his? What are your career goals? How stable is your relationship? All important factors.

      Another piece to consider is that the wonderfulness of your job may not transfer to remote working. Some places simply don’t have the culture to support intentional inclusion of remote workers, and you may find yourself isolated or unhappy doing the exact same job on paper, but different in reality.

    2. All Hail Queen Sally*

      I recommend not moving to Denver if you wouldn’t want to live there if your relationship doesn’t work out. If you would, then go. While I have never moved for love, several friends have and some worked out, others didn’t. It is so hard to predict what it will happen. On an aside, Denver is a fabulous city with lots to do. I am sure there are lots of fabulous jobs there.

      I am much older than you and I find myself thinking a lot these days about something I heard once: At the end of their lives, people are more likely to regret the things they didn’t do than the things they did do.

      Good luck!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I moved for my guy. Part of my decision to make the move was that I was going to work at everything will all that I had. I was going to give everything my absolute best shot.

      The one thing I did not think about was how would I get myself back if I did not like it? I had no money and a lame excuse for a car. So my (soon-to-be)husband said he would give me the money to move home if I felt that strongly that I needed to leave. Once he said that I never gave going home a second thought.

    4. Thlayli*

      Do you love him and really think it could work with him? If so I say go for it. Don’t buy a property or get pregnant unless and until you’re sure you want to stay with him, but go, rent and look for a job, and give it a real go with him. If it doesn’t work out you can always move back and get another job in your current city.

      True love is a heck of a lot harder to find than jobs are.

      On the other hand, if you’re thinking of the relationship as equal in importance to a job you’ve been in for 4 months, maybe that’s an indicator it’s not really true love after all.

    5. Dogs and Kittens*

      Why does it seem like it’s always the woman that has to move and give up a great job? I find that it’s hard to find a job that ticks off a lot of great things. I would also think through whether what you would be giving up by moving is really less than what he would have to give up by moving, and frankly put the pressure back on him.
      I would also look at what the likelihood is for you to bounce back to a great job and place if the relationship should not work out.
      It’s one thing if he is in a field that is truly limited in the area and yours isn’t, but if the sacrifice is bigger on your part or equal, then ask yourself why you are carrying the burden of this.

    6. Elizabeth H.*

      How long have you been together? Would you want to live in Denver even if you broke up? (I know lots of people who came to my city to follow someone they broke up with and they’re so happy they ended up here – it often works out fine) Can you wait to find a job in Denver before you move?

  106. LizB*

    So I’m currently driving a rental car from my dealership while my actual car is being worked on, aaaand I managed to blow a tire on the rental on my way to the grocery store. So now I’m sitting here for the next 45 minutes until roadside assistance gets to me. Woooo. I think my next step is it get the car to the dealership when they open in the morning, right? Does that seem right? I’ve never been in this situation before.

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