weekend free-for-all – November 10-11, 2018

by Alison Green on November 10, 2018

Sophie and her kitten, Wallace

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Idiot, by Elif Batuman. I don’t know exactly how to describe this book. It’s about early adulthood, but it’s also about language and friendship and love and Russian and trying to find your place in the world. If you want a lot of plot in your novels, this may not be for you, but I really liked it. It was nominated for a Pulitzer Prize.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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{ 1,390 comments }

{ 1,390 comments… read them below }

  1. Inver*

    Anyone else affected by the fires in California? I live up by the Camp Fire, and it’s pretty grim. :( It happened shockingly fast. I don’t need to evacuate (yet), but I’m packed just in case.

    If anyone else is affected by the fires, best of luck to you. Stay strong and stay safe.

    1. Aphrodite*

      I am so sorry, Inver. I hope you stay safe. I am not affected but live in Santa Barbara. I have a sister in TO and she has been evacuated. Another, the brother of my best friend, is also there. He hadn’t been evacuated as of late afternoon but I don’t know about now. Those scenes are scary!

    2. Anon Admin*

      Stay safe!

      I’m only affected by the smoke, but my coworker is pretty sure her father & step-brother have lost their homes. At least they themselves were able to evacuate safely.

    3. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Stay safe. The smoke here is making folks outdoors wear masks, but it’s nothing compared to the trauma you who live closer face….

    5. Not So NewReader*

      As an east coast person, I look at these fires in absolute terror. My thoughts and heart go out to any one impacted by these blazes.

    6. Elizabeth the Ginger*

      I’m also in the smoke area – I’m a teacher and yesterday it was such bad air quality that we kept the kids inside for recesses and PE. It’s a really tangible reminder whenever I walk outside that people not so far from me are experiencing such fear and tragedy. Fortunately the children don’t really seem to have put that together – they’re young enough that I don’t want them to have that on their shoulders. We had the same (but even more severe) with the Napa fires last year. I hope so much it gets contained soon.

      1. Jennifer Thneed*

        I met a friend and his kids for dinner last night. The kids are 10 and their school also kept them inside, and HOO-BOY were they both squirrelly last night. They just got no chances to run around outside and they’re kids, so, you know, they need that. I hope they get to do something active and indoors this weekend.

        Yellow sky, dark too early, smells like smoke, and the wind is from the wrong direction. Please, let’s have rain.

        1. Elizabeth the Ginger*

          Yeah, it’s awful. It feels like being in some post-apocalyptic film. I’m tempted to check out the indoor playground tomorrow with our toddler but expect it’s going to be a zoo, so I don’t know…

    7. Hellanon*

      Nowhere near me but lots of friends who’ve been evacuated. This one is a beast, as one of the newscasters kept saying yesterday.

    8. Chylleh*

      I’m sorry Inner and hope you stay safe. I’m in the Bay area and the smoke from the Camp Fire is really affecting us here. Several of my coworkers’ families and friends have lost their homes. Hoping the best for everyone up north and down south near LA.

    9. many bells down*

      I’m from Thousand Oaks (NPHS Class of 1991), but I live in Seattle now. It’s so awful watching all my friends and family have to evacuate and not be able to help. TO is between two fires and half the town has been under evacuation orders. The first day, my sister’s roommate had to literally run from her job as flames were bearing down on the building. And then she couldn’t get home to Camarillo because all the roads were closed. So she stayed at her boyfriend’s parents house in Newbury Park … which was evacuated the next morning.

    10. jess r*

      I’m in Sacramento, 100 miles south, and it intermittently smells like fire here and the sky was orange yesterday when I left work. I cannot imagine the stress and fear of those who live closer. My prayers go out to you.

    11. fiverx313*

      just getting loads of smoke down here in alameda, and following the horrifying news. i hear it’s 20% contained now, hopefully they’ll continue to make progress on that. :(

      stay safe!!!

    12. OperaArt*

      Just the smoke here in the Bay Area.
      A friend of a friend has not been able to contact her daughter for two days since the fire went through the daughter’s area.

    13. Junior Dev*

      I’m so sorry. I am in a part of the country that got a lot of smoke this summer and it was so stressful just to be near. I can’t imagine what it must be like to also deal with evacuating on top of that. I hope everyone here stays safe.

      1. TardyTardis*

        Me, too. Our whole summer was nothing but smoke–from northern California, from north of us, and even some came down from Canada just to be friendly. Checked my phone every day for the particle count.

      1. Prof_Murph*

        I’m south of Malibu and the air quality is frightening. Very smoky, limited visibility, smells like smoke. I’m hiding indoors but as a person with allergies and previous breathing issues, I’m getting very nervous. My sister lives in West Hollywood so I’m spending the night there but not even sure what the air quality is like there with the Griffin Park fire. Whenever these fires happen, it feels like Armageddon. I’m not in any kind of immediate danger in terms of fire, but this is the closest I’ve experienced fires in my 11 years of living in LA. My heart goes out to those who’ve had to evacuated and/or lost property. I’m trying not to think about the animals.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I know it’s awful but I still want to move back.
          I wish everyone could come here while it’s going on. It’s very quiet and very safe and very not-smoky here. And I would make spaghetti.

    16. Bacon Pancakes*

      Came here to see if any other AAM readers are effected. I am about 20 miles out from the fire, so only impacted by the smoke. Three of my cousins have been evacuated, one for sure lost their house. Two co-workers are evac’ed and one lives just across from Honey Run Bridge so it is unlikely he has a house to return to. My BF has five co-workers evac’ed, three confirmed lost their homes. Several friends have likely lost their homes… and the stories just keep coming.
      The reaponse from Trump is egregious, and for once LaMalfa has something to say.

    17. pcake*

      Be safe, Inver and everyone in the fire areas.

      My husband came home from his job in Santa Monica yesterday puffing and wheezing and pale. Today on the east side of Culver City, our bathroom smells like fire and there’s smoke, but it’s much worse in Marina Del Rey where you can’t see the street lights a black away due to smoke :(

    18. Woodswoman*

      Glad you posted, Inver, and wishing the best for you. My co-worker’s sister and family lost their home in the Camp Fire. They just barely made it out safely, seeing their lawn on fire in their rear-view mirror and driving through flames. Another person I know was able to get out but almost certainly lost the home she had just purchased. Tragic for so many, and no end in sight. Come on, rain!

      The Bay Area smoke is intense and as an asthmatic, I was really struggling to breathe last year. I’ve accepted that extended periods of smoke are the new normal here, so I bought an air filter that’s making all the difference.

      (In case anyone is looking, I recommend the Levoit LV-H132. My criteria in addition to good reviews were that it’s portable, quiet enough to sleep near, and relatively inexpensive. I ended up getting a second one for different rooms, and I can easily take it to my office and back home again. I definitely recommend it. You find a short YouTube review by searching the model number and the handle AwkwardHamster.)

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        Thank you for the air purifier recommendation – just ordered one. And was wondering how you were doing with the smoke…glad to see this.

    19. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      So horrible and terrifying. We had big fires in my home town two years in a row, and it was horrible to stand on the other side of town and watch people’s homes go up in flames. Many people have died in the current fire though, and that is terrible.

    20. LivingMyLife*

      Inver, sorry to hear how much you are affected by the fire. I’m in San Jose, and we are very much affected by the smoke. At first I had plans to go hiking this weekend, but decided not to risk it and work on some painting projects indoors. I’ve also been running my air purifier – it really helps with air quality in my apartment.

  2. Solaine Dlcrx*

    Oh I love The Idiot by Elif Batuman! It was one of my favorite reads this year. I think I even mentioned it on one of the weekend threads.
    Her characters feel incredibly real (I’ve met Iván and Svetlana, I swear, and also Svetlana’s mother and aunt!). The way she describes the villages and their people is so on point and witty that I laughed and cried at the same time. How do these parts feel to someone who is not from the region though? I was wondering if my special connectiom to the book is because I’m from the same country as Iván.

  3. wingmaster*

    I’ve been sewing for the upcoming holiday season. Though it’s still early November, I feel like I’m late to the game of crafting and gift-making!

    Anyways, I’ve been designing this handkerchief with a friend and also sewing pajama pants with a fabric that I designed. I’m thinking of using the leftover fabric to make coasters too.

    For those who have craft projects for the holiday, what are you making?

    1. Jemima Bond*

      I’m making a Christmas mini-quilt for an online swap, and a larger purple quilt with big hexagons and triangles, for a wedding gift (wedding is on NYE).

    2. Anonyme*

      Knitting – mostly cowls, hats, coffee cozies, christmas ornaments. Small things that work up fast.

    3. Red Reader*

      Can you elaborate on “designing a handkerchief “? I’m curious :) like, the printed fabric? I’m imagining an elaborately quilted one, which just seems fiddly with seams.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      My daughter has a new, larger bed and asked me to make her a quilt. (I do patchwork art quilts.)

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          It is! Largely because I can’t make a quilt for use in our home until the puppy gets through the chewing things up stage, which is lasting a ridiculously long time.

    5. Llellayena*

      I’m finishing the quilt for my great aunt that I mentioned last week. I also have a baby quilt I really should finish before the kid becomes a toddler. I’m usually not so good at ambitious “finish by Christmas” deadlines so I don’t do much Christmas crafting.

    6. Madge*

      The sewing studio I work at is participating in a craft fair next month and I’m making ornaments, garlands, storage baskets, maybe some felt birthday crowns, flannel face wipes, and some project samples for my new classes.

    7. Elizabeth the Ginger*

      I’m way behind schedule but I’m knitting my daughter a Christmas stocking. She’s old enough to understand more about what she going on this year so I have to get it done!

      I also learned to embroider this year so if I have extra time (ha!) I’ll embroider some ornaments or such.

    8. esra*

      I bought some skeins to knit blankets for my niece and nephew and man, I better get moving on it. I always start too late, the fall is so busy in my industry. But I’m lying to myself that this will be the year I get all the crafting done.

      …

      Maybe they can be Easter gifts.

      2. Jennifer Thneed*

        A couple of years running, I started holiday knitting in August. I knit for fewer people now.

    9. Book Badger*

      On my needles right now:
      * A hat for my boyfriend’s sister
      * A hat for myself that I’ve been putting off all year
      * Hats for my sister and brother

      In the works:
      * Something for two online exchanges I’m doing (I’m thinking fingerless gloves for one and a quick and easy hat for the other)
      * I’m going to try to teach myself illusion knitting so I can knit my boyfriend a scarf with a secret message
      * Something for my parents, I don’t know what yet

      1. fluffy fleece*

        Sewing: Gigantic onesies for teenaged daughter and my husband. Daughter’s will be easy to hide the project as she’s often out in the day. No idea how I will hide the one for hubby. Maybe rely that he can’t tell the difference between projects? Knitting: just finished socks. Maybe mittens next? I seemed to have lost one each of a bunch of my mittens.

          1. fluffy fleece*

            it is the same fabric. What I meant was whether it would be possible to stealth sew a 2nd project. I can sew when the teenager is away, because as a teenager she’s both busy and oblivious. But how do I hide the 2nd onesie from the hubby? he’s very home-bound. Anyway, we’ll see, or it won’t be a christmas surprise.

            1. MarieAlice*

              You say nothing, and when he asks, it’s for someone else his size.
              I’ve made my mother try on her new cardigan saying I was knitting one for my grandmother.

      3. Red Reader*

        I just finished an illusion scarf for my husband with the script off the One Ring on it, and oh my GOSH the comments our friends made on it. It’s really straightforward, I thought, but when I posted a video showing the design on Facebook, minds were apparently blown!

        1. Windward*

          Was it you who posted it with the Ravelry link? Sent that (& the Harry Potter one) to a friend who is delightedly knitting them for her kids. She says *thank you!* as do I.

    10. SAHM*

      My fragrances just came in this week and I’ll be starting on my soaps hopefully this weekend depending on my children, lol.

    11. wireknitter*

      I’m working on a Pokémon quilt. I have 8 of the 12 blocks finished, then need to layer and quilt. I think I’ll have time to finish.

    12. Elizabeth West*

      Nothing, because my sewing machine needs servicing and I still don’t have a *youknowwhat*. With NaNoWriMo going, I can’t manage crafts until December if I can even think of anything. My family will not do the presents-for-the-kids-only thing, and I always feel stupid showing up with nothing.

    13. Windchime*

      I’m knitting a dress for my little grand-niece (my sister’s granddaughter). It’s a soft purpley-gray and it’s my second attempt. Despite swatching, the first one looked super big and wide, so I started over with a smaller size as well as going down a needle size. That’s the only thing I’m working on right now, although I may also do some slippers if I have time.

        1. Nita*

          I’ve gotten burned on that twice this year! Made hats for both kids, and they both turned out too big. One was shaping up to be the diameter of a big pie tin… I’m lucky I realized it halfway and was able to turn it into a beret.

        2. fluffy fleece*

          how do get stuff to fit? or are you doing scarves or other knitting projects that are forgiving? I understand if you knew your own knitting gauge well enough to not have to swatch, but I can’t imagine it if you change wools. Even socks, which I knit a ton of I need to swatch every time I use a different company’s wool.

    14. Bethany D*

      I have two new teenaged nieces and a new preteen nephew this year, and I was thinking of using my woodburning tool to make name plaques for them. But I need to confer with my SIL first to check whether she thinks they’d like them or whether we’ll be doing presents at all.

    15. Snowberry Kitten Foster, Inc.*

      I’m not really making anything for gifts yet. All my crafty energy has been going to making flannel and fleece blankets/quilts for my fellow foster parents to use with their animals. I foster kittens through the local Animal Care Center. Being we are in a warm climate, kitten season is pretty much year around, though we have been seeing fewer bottle babies lately. I’m also teaching my self to quilt as I’d like to make a nice flannel quilt for my son who just moved to a colder area of the country. It’s slow going as I have a chronic illness that causes profound fatigue and pain. But, even if I can get a few minutes of a project worked on in between caring for my kittens, it’s a good day.

    16. ijustwanttoworksomewherenormal*

      That sounds so cool! Any tips for beginners learning to sew? I knit but would love to add more diversity to my growing DIY wardrobe. I picked up a sewing machine at a garage sale over the summer but haven’t had the courage to set it up yet.

      For gifts this year, I’m working on knitting a little string of Christmas lights (pattern by Amalia Santos if anyone’s curious) for all the relatives I exchange gifts with. I also wanted to make my mom a sweater, but I’m saving it for her birthday in March because I know better than to think I’ll finish it by next month.

      1. fluffy fleece*

        I would actually look into sewing lessons. I’m sure you can learn with youtube (if you can find the 30-yr-old “sewing with nancy” those are good), but for sewing garments I think at some point you get a lot out of having a professional teach you.

    17. Oops I forgot*

      Not this year but posting for inspiration- DH and I made Wizard wands on the lathe for all the Harry Potter fans in our lives. MASSIVE hit and IMHO way nicer than the store bought.

    18. Environmental Compliance*

      I recently finished knitting a hat & glove set for my sister’s birthday (early December), and will be finishing a wedding shawl and a queen size quilt for holiday gifts.

  4. Akgal*

    Sorry if I post this on the wrong thread. But I need some perspective on something with my kids school. It’s been bothering me for a while. Last year I sent my oldest off to kindergarten, and she had a rough year. She got beat up by another child several times. Twice she came home with black eyes. When I complained about her getting frankly abused, I was told that they couldn’t do anything because the other kid had a disability. Frankly as a disabled person that reasoning makes me really mad. The only reason it stopped was because she finally had enough and pounded on the kid. They wanted to suspend my kid because of the fight, but didn’t because I had been taking pictures of the bruises that she received. Only at that point we’re they separated. Why did it have to go that far though? Beating up your fellow students should not be a reasonable accommodation. So now she is homeschooled.
    What scares me is that I have to still work with the school because my son needs speech therapy, and I don’t trust the school anymore. His preschool teacher is awesome and I have worked with her for years, but next year he will be in kindergarten. If he still needs speech therapy how can I get him what he needs but keep him safe.. I don’t expect everyone to like my children but they shouldn’t be harmed either.
    To further complicate things l am aware of several incidents this year where a disabled child has attacked other children and adults and the district is not doing anything about it.
    Can anyone in education help me out a bit?

    1. misspiggy*

      I’m not in education in the US, but it sounds like you should talk to other affected parents and a lawyer.

      1. Gotta be anon for this, the perpetrator reads here*

        Lawyer. That’s the bullshittiest bullshit I’ve ever heard regarding kids w disabilities (parent of a kid w a disability ).

        1. valentine*

          The school has a duty of care to your children. See if their failure qualifies as a reason to send kids to a different school or district. You can report assault to the police.

    2. Waiting for the Sun*

      Sorry your child has to deal with that!
      Not in education either, but that other child definitely needs to be in a more restrictive special-needs class. I suggest talking to the principal, the school corporation ‘s head of special education, and to the school board if need be.

      1. Waiting for the Sun*

        A kindergartner coming home from school with black eyes sounds like something that could make the local TV news. Are other children being hurt as well? Don’t want to demonize the other child, who clearly needs help, but drastic intervention is in order.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Yeah, a mentally handicapped five year old hurting the other kids–the problem isn’t any of the five year olds failing to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

    3. lumosnox*

      Try sending your question to Slate’s Q&A section called Care and Feeding. They have some really great columnists who answer questions about kids and could have some good insight here.

    4. Redshirt*

      I work in the disability field (though not education). It is utter nonsense that a kid who has a disability is allowed to bully other kids because there’s nothing* that the school can do.
      Where I live, Canada, there would be major discussions with the school, the other family, and support agencies about updating the Individual Support Plan of their child.

      1. ElspethGC*

        “It is utter nonsense that a kid who has a disability is allowed to bully other kids because there’s nothing that the school can do.”

        Yes, this.

        (Less about education, but) My older cousin has Cri du Chat, a chromosomal disorder that affects her mentally and physically. She can’t speak so uses Makaton to communicate. When I was six through to when I was about eleven or twelve, she would get incredibly frustrated because I was doing things that she couldn’t, and she would sometimes lash out and scratch me or pull my hair. It *hurt*. And her mum pulled her aside and gave her time-outs and told her that she knew she was cross and frustrated but that lashing out was *not okay* and she knew better than that, and make her come to apologise to me. She’s now learnt tools to manage her frustration, including letting her carers know so that she can be removed from the situation before she gets too stressed.

        Anyway. The point of that anecdote. My cousin wasn’t in mainstream nursery/kindergarten because her developmental disabilities were too severe, but she’s perfectly capable of controlling her frustration given the right tools. I doubt the school really is capable of doing nothing to prevent this. If nothing else, they need to be working with the child to give *him* the right tools to manage his anger. It’s pretty insulting to him and other disabled kids to just say “Well, he’s disabled, that’s just what he’s like!” Not necessarily, not if you help!

      2. Middle School Teacher*

        Yes, i agree, but at least in Alberta it would be difficult to find a special education class. Over the last 20+ years (since I was a student myself) there has been a huge push for inclusion and dedicated special needs classes has virtually disappeared.

        OP I would NOT go to the media about this. It would not serve anyone.

    5. Rebecca*

      I personally know a teacher who was injured by her grade school student, in the classroom. He has anger issues, and she needed medical attention. The classroom cameras caught everything. And the kicker is, he wasn’t removed from the class, she was forced to still teach him, and he knows he can get away with whatever he wants. He openly taunted her in class. She took a sabbatical year this year. I don’t blame her. One of my friend’s sons was also injured by a bully. Nothing was done, she asked to have her son moved. Answer was no. Asked to have the bully moved from the class, no, we don’t want to stigmatize the child. Seriously?? She is left with pressing criminal charges when it happens again. I’m not sure what has gone wrong, whether it’s the zero tolerance policy or what, but something needs to be done.

    6. Enough*

      Unfortunately this is not new but should have changed by now. 35 years ago my mother’s neighbor was an aide in a classroom with a student who had a diagnosed disability. He hit her. Nothing was done because he had a learning disability diagnosis. A regular student would have been disciplined in some way. Too often it seems that people think that these students can’t be held accountable for their actions because the are not “normal”. Even more stupid is that if the child had a behavioral diagnosis (which his parents had refused) he would have already been removed and placed in separate classes.

      1. tangerineRose*

        And this isn’t helping the disabled kid either. Everyone needs to learn how to at least not hurt other people, and the sooner this is learned, the better.

      2. Anon Anon Anon*

        Depending on the disability, different consequences might be appropriate. For example, a punishment wouldn’t do any good if the child wouldn’t understand the purpose of it. But they need to be prevented from hurting other kids and there needs to be some kind of intervention, and maybe an investigation into why they’re doing this. The adults here are failing all the kids.

        1. LilySparrow*

          I am an ordinary parent, no expert on developmental disabilities, so this is honestly a question — is it possible for a kindergartener to have enough coordination and intent to punch another kid square in the eye (twice) and yet not have the ability to understand why they are getting consequences?

          I know that there’s a wide variety of developmental differences, and all kids with delays are not the same. But we’re friends with some parents and kids with various needs, and even the ones who can’t toilet train can understand that hitting is bad, and why they get consquences for various things.

          And the kids at that level are not coordinated enough to land a punch in the face of a moving target.

          1. chi chan*

            I would say it is possible. Some disabled kids self harm. Scratch themselves, bang their heads on walls. Pain from doing that should be an incentive to stop, but these kids don’t. Yet they do feel pain, cry during shots and if they get hurt. Low functioning autism for instance.

          2. chi chan*

            Torey Hayden a special education teacher wrote a book “Somebody else’s kids.” about a class she had. It is heart breaking but really good.

    7. School Psych*

      I work in special-education. It’s not true that kids with disabilities can’t be disciplined. They absolutely can. The only difference is that when a student in special-education hits 10 days of out of school suspension in a year, the team has to consider whether additional behavioral or other interventions should be put into place. They also have to consider whether the student needs a change of placement, such as a smaller classroom or specialized school. A student who is physically aggressive towards peers on a daily basis needs more support. The interventions that have already been put into place for this student would be confidential, so you wouldn’t necessarily know what has already been done, but it doesn’t seem like what they currently have in place is working. Most districts have monthly board meetings where the beginning of the meeting is open to parents and other community members, so you might want to bring your concerns that violent behavior in the district is not being addressed to this board meeting. You could also talk with your district’s special-education director or the speech pathologist at your son’s school about what the options are for programming for your son to continue his speech therapy. Unless it’s a very small district, it’s unlikely that there is only that 1 school that has an early childhood program with a speech therapist. We occasionally move students in my district to schools that are not their zoned school, so they can attend a different program. Your district might also have a resource list of outside speech therapists that do sliding scale based on your income and take medicaid.

    8. Luisa*

      I’m a teacher, and my role includes some resource services for mild-moderate disabilities (mostly learning disabilities). From what you wrote here, it sounds like your trust in the school is really eroded (understandably and justifiably). Is there an option to request that your son be placed in a different kindergarten classroom than the one your daughter was in, or that he be moved to another school in the district? That seems like it might be a good starting point for his situation if keeping him in a traditional school (i.e. not homeschooling) is a priority beyond the issue of receiving speech services. If you have a preference for homeschooling him, I’d advise researching what options might exist for receiving the services he needs under those circumstances. (I am not at all familiar with homeschooling, so I can’t advise beyond that.)

      As for the general issues you’ve heard about students with disabilities in your district (you alluded to unsafe situations not directly connected to your children), I would advise leaving those out of conversations you may have with any school personnel. As another commenter pointed out, information about specific student disciplinary issues are and should be shared on a need-to-know basis. You can and should ask about school and district policies in general, but you actually do not have the right to receive information about disciplinary actions taken against children other than your own. Specifically, I advise you to reach out to the district for a written copy of the student code of conduct, disciplinary policies, and any other materials (such as a handbook) the district provides for families about policies. Read those materials, and request a meeting with the principal to discuss any questions you have. You could also use this as an opportunity to ask about what kind of choice you might have in teacher or school assignment (assuming the school/district is large enough to offer a choice of teachers/schools). Questions about speech or other special education services if you opt out of public school (private, charter, homeschooling) would be best directed to a school-level special education coordinator (if such a person exists) or a similar role at the district level.

      If you are dissatisfied with the current homeschooling situation for your daughter, however, you absolutely should speak to school or district administrators, and I would encourage you to take a firm stance in any conversations you have. Based on the information you provided here, it sounds like the school and district really bungled this.

    9. Sick Civil Servant*

      I feel for you!! My youngest daughter has various learning disabilities and has been in a segregated “learning disabilities” (LD) class where there are only 8 kids. (Many parents don’t want their kids in a “special” class. I made the decision based on what was best for her. Please do not question my decision.) She’s very bright but the regular stream did not work for her. She will be able to work and be a successful member of society but it will just take longer.

      My daughter has been in an LD class since grade 2 and she’s in grade 8 now. There’s also a “behaviour” class in her school. The police have been called several times because one boy had one of his “fits.” I suspect the school is creating a paper trail because the child was kicked out of (public) school for a year a while back. His presence was considered a “danger to both staff and students.” He’s been diagnosed as high functioning autistic. (His mom & I chatted once which is why I know. The school is very discreet and NEVER shares personal info about their students.) Being disabled does not give you a free pass to harm others!! If you decise that homeschooling is not an option for your son, please go one step above to the school board office. I had to threaten to do that & it was extremely effective. It might be possible for your son to be homeschooled and still get access to services like speech therapy. Do not stop advocating on behalf of your children! Their safety is your primary concern.

      Good luck & keep going!!

    10. School Inclusion Specialist*

      Special Ed Teacher… Just backing up other posters that the school can’t comment on the other child’s supports. Except for extreme situations (drugs, weapons, causing life-threatening bodily harm), a child with a disability can’t be removed from the general education setting without a parent’s permission. Removal from the general ed setting is moving the student to a classroom for kids with special needs. So, the school could be trying things. They could just not be getting consent for what they actually want to do. As another poster said, the child could be suspended for up to 10 days. That said, they could have already used up the suspension days. (A Note, a child with a disability can be suspended for more than 10 days, but the team has to hold a manifest determination meeting and determine that the behavior that caused the suspension is not related to the disability.)
      Things to consider doing:
      1. Go to the special education parent advisory council meeting or set up a meeting with the principal/special education department chair. Ask what the schools policy is for discipline when it relates to a child with a disability. Your district should have a Special Education Handbook and this is required to have a section on discipline. All parents have to have access, so I hope that it would be on the district website. Reference this. Ask how the policy is implemented in the school. If you don’t get a clear answer, go above their heads (as a teacher I HATE this…but only if the parent doesn’t talk to me first. You gave the school a chance. And they failed)
      2. Given your school’s response, I’m guessing there isn’t going to be a good response for (1). If there is a parent council at the school, use that platform to push the school to hire a BCBA and to push them to write a policy.
      3. In regards to your son, your public school is required to provide services for any child within the district. This means, even if you pull your son for homeschooling, if he still has an up to date IEP that requires services, they have to provide the services. What this would look like is the school SLP would schedule your son at a time and you would have to bring him to the school for that service.

      1. Observer*

        Except for extreme situations (drugs, weapons, causing life-threatening bodily harm), a child with a disability can’t be removed from the general education setting without a parent’s permission.

        In most districts, that’s just not true. It *IS* harder, and the parent has recourse, but ultimately, the school CAN take that kind of action. Especially when the child in question is clearly harming other children significantly.

        It’s also not the case that the school cannot suspend a child for more than 10 days in most districts. 10 days is just an automatic trigger that the school MUST re-evaluate the care plan to see what other supports that child needs.

        1. School Psych*

          Except for extreme situations (drugs, weapons, causing life-threatening bodily harm), a child with a disability can’t be removed from the general education setting without a parent’s permission.

          Yes. Thank you. Not necessarily true. If the parent just doesn’t respond to the proposed change in placement, the district can document the attempts to reach the parent and move the child to a different type of classroom within the same school after a 10 day waiting period. They would need consent to move the child to a specialized school or to do a new evaluation(reviewing existing data doesn’t require a consent). If the parent does respond and says no, the district can choose to go to a 3rd party mediator who will make a decision about whether the child is moved to a new setting. They would also be within their right to pursue an expulsion hearing for an expellable disciplinary offense, if the parent was offered a specialized setting to address the student’s needs and said no. In my district, we’ve done home visits to get parent permission for things and driven parents to see what a new program looks like to help them make an informed decision. It drives me bonkers when people say there’s no options if the parent refuses or doesn’t respond to requests. It’s just not true. There are lots of ways to get parents on board and a long list of legal options districts can pursue for cases where they truly believe the child needs more services and can’t get consent.

          1. School Inclusion Specialist*

            Yes, you both are right. Just trying to simplify and focus on what the parent could do. No matter what is happening behind the scenes, the OP won’t be privy to it and it will take much longer than the OP is comfortable with when worrying about the safety of her children.

            Also, mediation is an incredibly difficult process and I’ve rarely seen a district willingly take a case there—they tend to just settle. If one meeting is out of timeline or a paper is missing, it could jeopardize the case.
            The district could be doing a cost benefit analysis and the “problem” ended when the OP pulled her daughter. Which is why I suggested the OP asking about procedures. She unfortunately needs to stress out the district more than the violent child.

    11. Smarty Boots*

      Make sure you are up on the law re accommodation for your child and get the IEP or 504 paperwork done ASAP. Doctors reports etc as needed. You can have someone come with you to the meeting, as well, if you feel you will lose track of details or get upset. My meetings were always way longer than the school team wanted because I brought plenty of written notes and questions, and insisted on ok’g each step before going on to the next. LOL, I tended to get what I wanted because they were sooooo sick of me.
      And make sure the school follows through on everything in the IEP or 504. Check in regularly. If things are not going as they are supposed to, follow up, politely but firmly. Don’t be afraid to let them know you will go above them i the bureaucracy and don’t be afraid to say “lawyer” if need be.

    12. Yay commenting on AAM!*

      I was bullied and assaulted by bullies in school years ago and had the same experience as your child, though I was in 5th grade. My parents tried to “make nice” with the district since we coudn’t afford private school. The school doubled down in blaming me for it- I got detention every time I reported being assaulted, and I was sent to the guidance counselor to go over “strategies to change myself so I do not upset the bully.” The school said the other student was “troubled” and they couldn’t do anything about it, and that I was under orders to get up and move away from him no matter what was going on so it was my fault if I was close enough for him to harm me. I remember having to disturb the entire class getting up to move during circle time because he came and sat next to me…

      Having been there, I recommend both getting a lawyer and filing a report with the police each time your child is injured. It might sound *insane* to report a kindergartener to the police, and it is, but it is what needs to be done to protect your child and other children. The police can help back the parents in finding appropriate resources for their child, and the school’s fear of liability/bad PR will encourage them to do right by your kid.

      If you’re interested in what happened to my “troubled bully,” I recently discovered that he is a police officer. Yuuup.

    13. tangerineRose*

      Little kids should be able to go to school without being bullied. Seems like the bully should at the least be separated from the victim.

    14. Not Australian*

      Just piling on with personal experience, but I *was* bullied and beaten up as a child by another child with a disability – she wore a leg caliper and carried a stick which she used to hit people with. None of the adults I reported to would take it seriously; all I ever got was “You need to be nice to her, she’s a poor little thing.” Fortunately we weren’t at the same school, just a hobby club, but I got driven out of it by the way she behaved.

    15. Koala dreams*

      I agree that it’s outrageous what some adults will come up with as excuses for bullying instead of dealing with the problems in an adult way! It’s great that you protect your children from these people.

      I will just add to the other advice above, if you reach out to other parents, try to reach out to the parents of the disabled child too and ask them what their child need. Often the parents of misbehaving children know very well what their child need in school, for example more vigilant supervision or a calmer environment, but the school might not listen to the concerns of an individual parent. You will send a stronger message to the school if you can talk to the school together as a group of parents.

      You know best if this suggestion is possible in your situation, of course.

    16. Aurora Leigh*

      Not sure if you’re still reading — but as a homeschool grad — homeschooled kids are in most cases elgible for speech therapy, etc. Through the public schools. Check out Home School Legal Defense hslda dot org to find out more about the laws in your state.

      If you become a member, they provide legal advice, and are super amazing and helpful. My parents have been members for over 20 years, and it was well worth it. They are a Christian originization, and have been around since the late 80s I believe.

      1. This Daydreamer*

        Yay for new kitties! I was adopted by a stray at the end of September and I love having her around. My three others aren’t quite so thrilled with the new addition.

        1. Stormfeather*

          Yay for adopting/being adopted by kitties! We just adopted a six-week old kitten about 5 or 6 months back, either a stray who lost his mother or part of a litter who were abandoned by someone. He’s amazingly hyper now and healthy, but he was a pretty sick little kitten at the time.

      3. Trouble*

        How lovely! I love Wallace’s ears. How many cats do you have Alison? We have four. My husband bought me a t-shirt based on Game of Thrones, a show I don’t even watch or know a thing about, because it has Mother of Cats on the front and a dragon thing with three cat’s heads.

        I’d love to foster but our fourth was a 6 week old feral we caught at my last job who was supposed to be a foster until he was old enough to get a home, but he still lives here over a year later so I’m not very good at it. My husband put his foot down on fostering when Niko stayed.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          I am afraid to say that we now have … five. That wasn’t supposed to happen.

          Our logic is that we have a pretty big house now that could definitely have five human children in it, and we figured cats are smaller and quieter. But yeah … five. Whoops.

          And my husband gave me that same shirt!

          1. Pretend Scientist*

            I have a shirt that says “All my other shirts were covered in cat hair”…

            We also have five, and have for some time (not the same five, two crossed the Rainbow Bridge in 2017). In my experience, while five sounds like a lot, it’s not as overwhelming as people might think. My mom remarked to me this weekend, “you’d never know there were 5 cats in this house”, and the house is not big. Unless you go to the basement area with the litterboxes, it’s not obvious that there are five, except for when they are in the same room.

            When Max moved in here, I already had two cats and he brought his two, and I had feared it would be overwhelming, but it wasn’t. He found Diego, our original fifth, and that transition also went well. So we figured that we can keep the house open to five and adopt cats who need us–we adopted Schafer after Diego passed, and Charlie after Buddy did. As long as you can keep up with the vet bills and scooping, and don’t get too annoyed by any accidents/territory disputes, five is very doable!

            Congratulations Alison! They look like awesome cats :)

          2. periwinkle*

            You need more. We had 4, then 5, then 6, then 8.

            Or as the poster on the wall next to our cat food stash says: “I’ve got 99 problems– no wait I mean cats. I have 99 cats, please help me I can’t stop.”

          3. Trouble*

            I love that tee shirt. One of my cats is a 7kg Norwegian Forest Cat called Horlicks who sleeps on me. Sleeps. On. Me. I am the mother of cats. And we’re the same, big family home, only fur babies.

            1. hsmith*

              I love Norwegian Forest Cats – I have a 8kg mix named Harry who’s affectionately known as my “little baby kitten boy”. He’s the middle child of 5 fur babies and a total mama’s boy.

          4. I'd have a Doggie too... if they'd let me.*

            Well I thought you mentioned below they are Mum and Kitten, so I wouldn’t feel bad. You got a 2 for 1 deal! I am pretty sure that only equals a Cat and a Half at most.

            Seriously said by someone who adopted a mere one cat during a “get one kitten and we will waive the fees for a 2nd one” extravaganza at the Pound.

            There were so many, they were willing to let me also have a kitten, even though our choice was already an adult and didn’t technically count as part of the deal. Unfortunately one cat was already pushing it with the landlord.

            Even though I had to forego the joy of 2 for 1, knowing that *someone* out in the World had the guts to go for it…

            You made my day!

        2. Stormfeather*

          Hah, as I just posted above, also adopted a 6 week old feral (or abandonee but I think feral) , and he’s also our fourth. It just sorta… happens. *shifty eyes*

      6. Foreign Octopus*

        Alison, they’re gorgeous!!!

        Wallace looks like he’s suspicious of you though, although my cat sometimes gives me the side eye and I’m left quickly replaying what I’ve done to see if I’ve upset her.

        I love their names!

      9. Basia, also a Fed*

        They are so adorable! I volunteer at our local Humane Society – thank you for adopting. How are Lucy, Olive, and Eve reacting?

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Lucy took 2-3 months to adjust to both Olive and Eve, and I suspect that will happen here too. She’s still in the “I will make horrible noises if you get too close” stage.

          I thought Olive would be thrilled, because she adjusted to Eve right away and immediately wanted to play with her — but it’s a slower process with her this time. She’s interested in them, but still hisses and growls if they come right up to her. She was three when we got Eve and now she’s five, and maybe that two years has made a difference. I’m assuming that in time she’ll be playing with them though, because she has a really high play drive.

          For the first few days, Eve ran away from them whenever she saw them, as if she was scared of them. And then overnight, she decided they were fine and now hangs out with them. She seems to really like Sophie, but I think she thinks Wallace is a toy and she’s scared him a few times by playing too aggressively with him, so I’m keeping an eye on their interactions.

          The great thing is that Sophie and Wallace really like other cats and aren’t deterred by any of this. They ignore the hissing and still try to make friends. And they play with each other constantly, which I think helps them not care that the others have not fully embraced them yet.

          (For people who don’t know cats: This is all normal and they’ll all eventually get along.)

          1. Asenath*

            I’m glad your new cats have settled in so well! It sounds like they’ve settled in very well. I’ve generally had two cats at a time – initially, to avoid my tendency to become a Crazy Cat Lady, and now, well, I downsized and moved into an apartment building. Of course, I chose a building that allowed pets, but they allowed one per apartment (one small one, although some of the dogs are kind of large “small dogs”, which I think shows flexibility). So I asked if I could have it written into the agreement that I could have two cats, and the condo management agreed. Anyway, over the years I’ve introduced a few cats, and they all eventually settled down, but I nearly gave up with the current two. They now have a kind of armed truce, with each cat ruling over her own end of the apartment and only sometimes growls and hissing if the other one ventures in.

          2. tangerineRose*

            Last time I introduced a new kitty to my other 2, there was some hissing, most of it from the older cat, some from the younger cat when the new guy got too close. I think they’re just setting boundaries. They all get along now, and I hope your kitties will too.

            These new kitties are very cute!

          3. Elizabeth West*

            I follow the Bitches the Cat Twitter account. After Bitches died, they adopted Puff, and BOY were Kiddo and Floof Lion unhappy having a strange kitten around! Then one day, Kiddo (a tortie) was like “This is my son.” They started posting pics of her giving him baths, etc. Floofy took some time to come around, but he did. Now Puff is big and they’re all getting along much better, especially during nip time, LOL.

          4. Not Australian*

            That’s reassuring. We’re a couple of months into a new adoption – a senior male cat who was in need of a home – and our two (younger, female) hate him. At the moment we’re maintaining them in separate establishments but if ever they end up on opposite sides of the same door there’s an almighty hammering as they try to get at each other. I hope we can have them all living in the same space eventually, but I think it’s going to take a long time.

            1. tangerineRose*

              Jackson Galaxy recommends “site swapping” so that they can get more smells of each other. I hope they start getting along soon!

          5. Minocho*

            My (then 14) year old cat did not appreciate the two new kittens that replaced his sadly departed companion. He still doesn’t like one of them – but the one he doesn’t like _adores_ him, and as soon as he’s asleep, his hated enemy is curled up around him and purring. It’s been nearly four years.

      10. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Thanks, all!

        It’s still a bit soon after Sam died to have done it, but I kind of subscribe to the “you are sad and there are cats waiting in cages who need homes” school of mourning.

        I’ve never adopted a bonded pair before, let alone a mother and kitten, and it’s pretty amazing. They play together constantly. And Sophie is still nursing him, which is the most adorable thing. (Wallace is four months, so it’s weird that she hasn’t weaned him by now but she hasn’t. Possibly because he’s her only kitten?)

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I think you will so enjoy the bonded pair. I have seen sibling pairs interact and it is AMAZING- like, how did I get to be this age and NOT know animals were like this type of amazing. It sure opened my eyes to new levels of appreciation. You are going to have such a good time here. I am very excited for you!

          1. Hellanon*

            My older cats were siblings and yeah, “bonded” is a good word for it. So flipping cute to watch them wrap up together & go to sleep…

          2. Autumnheart*

            Same. I have 3 cats who are siblings, and one who is two years older. They’re all super bonded to each other, which was actually how I wound up keeping all the siblings when I originally intended to adopt one or two of them.

          3. Marion Ravenwood*

            Agreed. My boys are brothers, and seeing them snuggled up together in a big kitty bundle and/or grooming each other (for the few minutes before it turns into a fight at least) is utterly heartwarming.

            Congrats on the new arrivals Alison! (And that Mother of Cats shirt sounds awesome.)

        2. Elizabeth*

          I’ve learned a lot about mom/kitten behavior watching the Tiny Kittens live streams. He’s probably simply comfort nursing at this point & not getting any actual milk. When she gets tired of it, she’ll make him stop.

          She looks pretty young herself. Did the rescue/shelter know if she’s had kittens before or if this is her first litter?

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            She’s very young! The rescue group thinks she’s 10 months to a year, so I’m guessing this was her first and only litter. She’s tiny, and she’s still basically a kitten herself.

            1. families!*

              I fostered a mother and her 5 kittens and it was a great experience, it was like having my own private nature show. I did work to make sure the smaller ones got extra alone time nursing because the bigger ones were so much stronger comparatively. But unlike other kittens I’ve fostered because the mother was there they would both eat solid food and also could nurse and they were still doing it at 4-5 months. At some point I think it also had to do with comfort rather than nutrition, especially for the larger ones (kittens will often nurse on non-nutritional things for comfort). But if they spayed Sophie before you adopted her, her milk I think should dry up soon. Congratulations!

        3. The Other Dawn*

          I had a pair of bonded tortie sisters (one passed last year) and I loved watching them. They were so affectionate with each other–mutual grooming, sleeping together, intertwining their tails.

          I’m guessing Wallace is still nursing simply because Sophie is there. So often kittens are separated from mom before four months and they just naturally move on to solid food since there’s no other choice.

        4. Tris Prior*

          Bonded pairs are the best! A couple months ago we adopted a brother and sister pair of kittens. They absolutely adore each other, entertain one another, sleep cuddled up together. This is my first experience with having multiple cats who don’t dislike or barely tolerate one another. I am regularly dead of cute and al so glad we got them.

        5. tangerineRose*

          I don’t think there should be a rule about “too soon”. I’m glad you got new kitties when you wanted to. Getting a bonded pair is really nice, too. A lot of people only want 1 cat, and since you adopted them both, they can stay together.

        7. Trouble*

          Horlicks and Freya, my wegies, are brother and sister. They’re a year almost to the day older than Niko. When he plays too aggressive for them they pin him down and groom him. Because he was so young when we caught him they pretty much taught him to cat. We tried to catch his mom and two siblings but it wasn’t to be and if we’d given Niko back to his mom at 6 weeks he’d have disappeared into the feral colony. I think about them every day but I’m glad we saved him from the streets. He’s a lovely little cat.

        8. Hope*

          We have a now-10 month old kitten that had been weaned (we got her at 9 weeks), but she decided she was going to nurse on our 11 year old cat about a month after we brought her home. It is super weird–the older cat never had kittens, but she’s like “huh, so I guess this is my baby?” and lets the kitten nurse, and the kitten keeps doing it, even though there is no milk at all, never has been, and never will be. The kitten is now basically the same size as the cat she’s nursing on, but that seems to make no difference.

          So even if Sophie weans him, he might always try to go back and nurse (or not; just depends on the cat).

      16. RueBarbe*

        Yea for more kitties!! I scrolled down looking for this before I asking if they were adopted or fostered. Good for you for taking the two together.
        I used to have 5 cats. They needed time to figure out where everyone was in the pecking order. Two were top cats and never really warmed to each other. They tolerated each other, though, and kept out of each other’s way!

      17. Minocho*

        Yay for cats and kittens! Mine were very “affectionate” (read: the temperature went down significantly) this weekend.

    3. Trixie*

      For all who have new or youngish kittens, I suggest taking them out for car rides regularly. Take the fear out of the carriers and the car. So much easier down the road for vet appts, moving, cross country drives, etc.
      Also, I handled my cat’s paws a lot so he wouldn’t freak out when I went to trim his nails. Others got into the habit of brushing teeth which I wish I’d done.

      Enjoy those kitten years!

      1. Zona the Great*

        Seconded! Mine puts her paws up and watches out the window. We can take her 8 hours away to the cabin with no issues.

      2. Hope*

        This! And if you have a long-haired cat, start brushing them right away so they get used to it. Also, rub their bellies all the time to give yourself a chance at belly rubs not becoming traps. Basically, anything you want them to be cool with, start doing ASAP.

  6. matcha123*

    Happy Diwali!
    Anyone here celebrating? A number of my friends are, I am not since I don’t know as much about it. I’m wondering if it will start to get bigger in North America in the upcoming years.

    1. TL -*

      I think Holi is probably going to be bigger than Diwali, at least in the USA. It’s a great deal of fun and easy to get a lot of participants on college campuses.

    2. Karma*

      I live in Australia and Diwali has been celebrated at the company I work at for the last several years. We have food and decorations and professional dancers come and teach us some dance moves and we also get to learn a bit about Indian culture and languages. It’s one of my favourite events at my workplace each year.

    3. MatKnifeNinja*

      We get more decorations for Diwali, than Christmas were I live. I love it.

      It’s fun watching the fireworks without being eaten alive by mosquitoes. Lol..

      When Diwali is over, I have to actually remember that Christmas is coming up. My area is mostly Muslim, Hindu and Buddhist. So zippo holiday decorations and Christmas talk.

      My own oasis in the middle of the over top forced holiday cheer.

    4. Elizabeth the Ginger*

      My elementary school has a Diwali assembly every year! A parent who teaches Indian dance professionally taught the kids some basic movements and we all danced, and at recess the kids got to draw rangoli in the courtyard with chalk and sand.

    5. Roseberriesmaybe*

      Me and my partner! We did the most important part- sweets and chai. We got milk cake and I made some gawar ka halwa. Gonna try making rizgula next year. What is everyone’s favourite Diwali food?

    6. ElspethGC*

      I don’t celebrate it or anything, but it’s always pretty amusing for me here in the UK. Diwali relatively often falls pretty close to Bonfire Night, but I always forget it’s happening because I don’t know anyone that celebrates it. My hometown doesn’t exactly have a large Hindu population, so when I’m here in a bigger city and hear fireworks going off on, say 7/11 like this year, my first thought is “What the hell, Bonfire Night was two days ago, why are you setting off fireworks now? No. Wait. Not Bonfire Night.”

    7. Femme D'Afrique*

      Diwali is HUGE where I live. I’m not crazy about the fireworks (I don’t like the noise) but the sweets? YES PLEASE!!

  7. Heartache*

    How do you recover when you lose your ‘dream’ lifestyle?
    Don’t get me wrong, my life wasn’t perfect, there were a lot of areas that felt unfulfilled and I went through ups and downs in moods.

    But..(.without getting into any identifying details), there was one aspect of my life that I’d always dreamed about having, and achieving it was amazing. It was only recently that I’d started accepting it as my ‘normal’ …right before I found out I’m soon going to lose it.

    So now, I’m having such a difficult time adjusting. I’m sure there are others who have experience similar things – a seemingly ‘perfect’ relationship not working out, having to move away from a city you love, etc…

    I’m just so scared I’ll never feel that kind of happiness over anything again. I’m scared that instead of looking back on this time with fondness and treasuring good memories, all I’d be left with is bitterness of loss, and jealousy over people who still have what I did. I’m scared I’ll always be aching for what I’d lost and won’t be able to find any joy in new experiences.

    1. Waiting for the Sun*

      Internet hugs. Recognize the Buddhist concept of impermanence. Distract yourself by making lots of little changes in your routine, explore new places (could be just taking a walk through a new-to-you neighborhood), add some acquaintances to your life who don’t know about the dream situation so you can talk about different things. Eventually another good thing will happen.

    2. Loopy*

      I went through this exact thing! I had a great relationship, job, lived someplace I loved and literally everything fell apart- the relationship fizzled, job lost funding, and I had to move to find a new job. I will be frank- it was really, really difficult.

      From the other side: this is so frustrating to hear, but it took time. The one thing I’m so so so glad I did was keep moving forward even when it seemed like I had no idea what direction to go in and couldn’t picture my future life. I struggled with no having a solid direction/goal/picture in my head a lot. I looked back a lot, I’ll admit. But I forced myself to apply to jobs, join a gym, look for hobbies, meet people- even when I was not feeling optimistic about it. Even when my new life wasn’t coming together quickly, and even when I had setbacks (man, I had one roommate who set me waaaaay back).

      But it comes together eventually with one foot in front of the other. Patience is key, but patience is HARD. I’m so rooting for you and I’m here if you have any more detailed questions about specifics of my transition. I’m in a great place now and I can see several moves that definitely helped along the way (like getting a positive volunteering gig when a new job was miserable, it gave me a positive area of my life that was like a ray of light to hang on to).

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      How sad! Sure, you’ll need time to mourn the loss and the transition. Can you find a way to extend some of the past goodness into the future, in another form–paying it forward but also honoring the original experience/feeling enriched for having had it even if it ended too soon? Or can you redirect your energy into another area of life?

      Examples…? Hmmm. Some of the worst possibilities (Hopefully your loss is not this enormous; if it is, I’m sorry) are people who lose a loved one to illness or a terrible accident. Nothing brings the dead back into this world* but mourners can find meaning in working to mitigate similar circumstances for other people or families.

      * Some people may believe in reunion in an afterlife. I respect this position but don’t deeply share it.

      Again, I’m sorry. Loss is not easy to accept.

    5. StellaBella*

      First, I am sorry this happened and that you are experiencing a difficult time. Internet hugs, if you’d like them.
      Second, yes, I have had this happen a couple of times. In 2001, I lost five members of my family and a close friend who was 32 and passed after a sudden discovery of lung cancer (never smoked), got a divorce and moved house. It was heartbreaking and for over a year after, I relied on my job, other family, and friends to cope. It did get better. In 2017, after a few years of unstable work situations including 2 layoffs, I had this sort of thing happen again – was dumped the same week I got laid off, and then 2 months later got very ill and ended up in the hospital for a week for 2 surgeries.
      In both situations, looking back now, I had what I thought were good relationships, with decent men, and a stable life: job, house, food, car, savings, a bit extra for travel now and then. But, as with many things in life, this was not really true. Both relationships ended because of infidelity (physical in first case, and emotional in second), and the facade of a ‘perfect’ life crumbled. Like you, I was terrified in both cases, I was bitter for a while, yes. But, as with the first time this happened, I went to a counselor for several months, got better emotionally and physically, and refocused on me. I am now nearly 50 years old and while I am not 100% happy, I have done something I always wanted to do: got an MSc. I took the time out to rest, study a lot and work hard on my degree. For me, I needed to get back to seeing my value, and my abilities – including abilities to make a life that I will love, one that will make me happy, and one that is for me and by me. :)
      You will one day feel better. I’d suggest counseling (there are a lot of online, free sources for this too). I’d suggest taking time for yourself. I’d suggest doing things you love to do, and trying to set small goals to get you thru. With time, you’ll feel better, more normal, and even happy.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Agreeing with the whole concept of “everything in temporary”. On the good news side this low in life is also temporary. Trust that life has ebbs and flows, trust that the life the once brought you to that level you wanted, will also bring you to new peaks. Not the same, nor should it be. The high points that come will be different and oddly you might find them better in some ways. You have the ability to get yourself to this better place because you did it once so you can do it again.

      I think it’s a good idea to hold on to the saying, “We can’t have it all at the same time.” I firmly believe that each chapter in life brings us something the previous chapter did not. Carry that expectation that something very different is going to come up very soon and you want to be on the look out for it.

      I think of my father. He lost almost everything with my mother’s illness. He lost the house, the dog, many of his possessions, all of his savings and because he was busy with all this stuff he did not see someone steal all his timber. He was planing on selectively harvesting that timber to get money to fix things at the other (very modest) house he had recently built. This is a horrible story with a few more things that I will skip over right now.
      What happened next was amazing. He looked around and found low cost ways to fix the small house. He got to fill his life’s dream of actually living in the house. And he did all this with a $5 grand a year income.
      To this day he is my inspiration. No, life was not peachy, but there were many surprisingly happy times, that he did not expect to see.

      Take a look at what assets you have left. Don’t forget the intangible assets, such as your creativity, your determination and your ability to find resources. (Can I just say, you have AAM here, which is an absolute power house of ideas and suggestions.) Ask yourself, “How can I leverage what I have left in order to get me to a better spot.” Any time it starts looking bleak, remind yourself, “I am going to work on my situation every day until I get to a better spot.” Build in rewards, such as walks, times with friends, an ice cream cone, whatever resonates with you, reward you for working on things every day.

      And last, decide that you have a finite amount of energy. You have choices to make, you can use that energy to be mad at circumstances or you can use that energy to keep bailing yourself out. You know there is not greater let down than when we fail to bail our own selves out of a bad spot. Promise you that you are going to keep bailing until you do not need to bail any more.

      Keep us posted on how it’s going.

    7. CC*

      This happened with me with one major thing—I lost a bunch of weight (over 100 lbs) then gained it all back. Although losing it didn’t make me happy like I thought, gaining it back sent me into a huge shame spiral. I’m still dealing with it, to be honest.

      I would say look at what you learned from what you had, and also what you learned from your loss. As I said before, I learned weight loss was not the cure all I dreamt about all my life. I also learned to be more empathetic to others in general. We don’t know how much struggle goes on behind the scenes, and we are really quick to think others are being lazy.

    8. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      +1 to the many great reassurances. Don’t let the fear stop you, though. That’s the one place where I’m thinking re-framing, talking to yourself, telling yourself the positive, not the negative (I did achieve “X” so I can attain the next goal I set, just not today..). I won’t add to the encouraging stories (mine is still being written, I’m only a couple months out from having my life nearly shattered). But we are strong, and survivors, and we have the ability to pick up the pieces and build something even stronger…

    9. Nines*

      I have definitely been through this. And it’s just extremely painful for awhile. And then a little bit less. And a little bit less. And so on. I did not think it could possibly be okay. But I’m very happy in my current life. I think most of the recovery period for me was focused on 1) building back confidence. I’m not worthless because of what happened, etc. 2) letting go of that dream. For me, the dream was literally no longer achievable. But that’s okay. I built something else and am happy enough that I can’t say if I would be happier doing the first plan or not and don’t particularly care. But it just Really. Sucks. for awhile. Or it did for me anyways. Driving for some reason was where I had my biggest pity parties. I would literally just cry saying “why Me?!?” over and over again until I was able to be okay with not having an answer to that.

      All this to say, Good Luck! I don’t know of anyway to avoid the pain, but hopefully you can believe that you will be happy again.

    10. Catherine*

      Not to be a downer but… personally I haven’t gotten over it and it’s very much about living around it. I do always ache for what I lost on some level, though the intensity waxes and wanes. There is a hole in my life, and when I experience new joys they are lessened because I know that it would be better “if only.” I’ve had to kind of just acknowledge that this is how it is for me and no amount of therapy, meditation, yoga, etc can fill that hole in.

      On the other hand, because I’ve already come down from the peak, I know that nothing else that happens to me can ever affect me as strongly. I’ve had my highest high and my lowest low and that gives me a certain level of invincibility that I take comfort in.

  8. matcha123*

    I listen to NPR mainly and also read articles online and I notice that increasingly people use “PoC” as a stand-in for “black.” The frustrating part is that while PoC is meant to be more inclusive, it ends up excluding other non-black minorities, since their voices and experiences are not even touched on.
    I am thinking of East and South Asian Americans, Native Americans, Native Hawaiians, and multiracial people. In the rare occasions that these groups are given a voice, their issues are presented as very separate.

    Do any other PoC here notice the same thing?

    I listened to an NPR segment a few weeks ago where the host and guest used “PoC” a number of times when they clearly were talking about issues that affected the black community. The same with using “ethnic hair” to mean “black hair.” It’s just frustrating in the sense that labels that are meant to be inclusive of wide swaths of people are basically used by people who are afraid? to say ‘black.’

    Since this is the internet, I should add that I am a very brown mixed race person with blood relatives who identify as black.

    1. Jemima Bond*

      I’m white so I could have this all wrong but surely a southeast Asian or a Hawaiian etc is more excluded by “black” than by “person of colour”? Because, well, they’re not black? But cultural differences might be at play – here one only uses black to describe African/Afro-Caribbean heritage – for Asian or Chinese heritage or whatever we’d say that. And nobody says person of colour. We might write BAME for black and minority-ethnic but it isn’t really a conversational term. Hair would be described as Afro or European.

      1. PX*

        I think what matcha is trying to say is that while PoC is supposed to be more inclusive, the reality is that people use it when really they are referring specifically to black/African issues. So then the term itself isnt actually being inclusive because the experiences of anyone who is a minority that isnt black are not being captured in the discussion.

        I’m guessing you are UK based (given the BAME) terminology, and I have to say, I do sort of prefer the breakdown as they give it on forms etc here.

        Your comment on hair is interesting. I had a friend from Japan who complained that hairdressers who only know caucasian/Western European hair had no idea how to cut her hair and she would have to trek to a specialist hairdresser as well. It was an odd thing to find we have in common, but thats the kind of thing where for example, using the phrase “ethnic” hair to stand in for black hair wouldnt work, because if “ethnic” only means “non-caucasian”, then that should also include anyone from Asia/middle-east etc because their hair struggles will also be real!

        Basically, I’m on team specificity! Personally I think lumping all minority ethnicities into one grouping (PoC) is not helpful…

        1. ElspethGC*

          Some of the race breakdowns in UK vs US are interesting when you look at the language that people use. (I’m so white I’m translucent, so this is looking in from the outside, but this is more of a national difference that I’m thinking of.) Like, I get the impression that when someone from the US says “Asian”, they’re generally referring to East Asian people? But here in the UK, people from East Asia generally get referred to by country of origin, and “Asian” as a generic term is generally accepted to mean South Asian – Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi. I’ve seen people say that it has to do with immigration patterns, which seems to make sense. We have a much higher proportion of South Asian people here than we do East Asian.

          1. PX*

            Yup, this is definitely true as well. I can imagine that for instance even between different parts of the US, and perhaps Canada (I have a little experience there too), Asian can mean very different things for example: India vs China vs Vietnam vs Thailand. And each of those groups may have different challenges and experiences in whichever (part of the) country they ended up in.

      2. LGC*

        Exactly – but we wouldn’t call a southeast Asian person or a Pacific Islander “black” under most circumstances where I’m from in the US. (We’d often use their country – or region – of origin, like “she’s Thai,” “he’s Samoan,” so on and so forth.) Black Americans/African-Americans are actually somewhat unique in this case as we tend to be referred to as a monolith. (I’m black.)

        I…don’t read the same media that Matcha reads, obviously – so I haven’t noticed the PoC = black drift. In that case, it’s kind of a shame! (I have heard the “ethnic hair” = “black hair” shift, and…okay, again, I’m black and my afro is flat on one side right now, but I think at least part of it is to get away from the baggage that the term “black hair” carries.) I like having a general term to refer to “not white, ” but a large part of that is personal preference.

        Usual disclaimer that being a PoC myself doesn’t make me an expert on ethnic relations, and I could be messing things up.

        1. matcha123*

          I don’t have anything I can pull up right now, I listen to radio programs or read through articles/web postings/comments without saving the original sources.
          I guess if you are just listening along, then it might not sound immediately apparent.
          As an example, I think I was listening to 1A on NPR and they were talking with black kids from some school near Chicago (I think) and some problem between some of the black and white students. In that segment ‘people of color’ was used by the host (I think) and the students and guests, but they were talking about an issue between some black and some white students. Maybe they didn’t want to frame it as another black/white issue, but that’s what it was. I guess, while I too am tired of that whole “black vs. white” dynamic, I’d rather they just say it if that’s what it is. Or round out the conversation with some perspectives from other students of color (maybe they were asked and declined to go on the show, I don’t know).

          I think people of color or ‘ethnic’ are fine terms, but if we are only using them because we don’t want to say ‘black hair,’ etc. then how are other people of color supposed to fit into this narrative? (Not that you have to answer, it’s more like asking out loud.)
          And I should add that more voices are being heard, which is great!

          Maybe to be a little clearer?, what I see is that if a group is talking about some kind of racial issue, ‘PoC’ often seems to refers to blacks. If they are citing a study, “PoC” refers to blacks, Hispanics and sometimes Native Americans. But I rarely ever see “PoC” applied to East/South Asians, Pacific Islanders, or multiracial people. For me, that’s a lot of people who are being excluded from important surveys and discussions.

          1. LGC*

            (tl;dr – LET ME, A BLACK PERSON, EXPLAIN TO YOU, A MIXED-RACE PERSON (WHO IS PROBABLY PARTLY OF SOUTH ASIAN DESCENT), WHAT RACISM IS IN AMERICA FOR EVERYONE. Because clearly, I, an Internet Weirdo™, am qualified to pontificate on race issues.

            If you can’t tell, I’m well aware I’m going to screw a LOT of stuff up.)

            With the ethnic hair/black hair thing, I wasn’t trying to say that it was correct shorthand! It’s just that…like, to be clear, there’s a ton of history about African hair and the politics behind it. And for a lot of people, it’s a surprisingly sensitive topic, so to dodge claims of racism they just use a euphemism. (And to be clear, I’ve often heard the word “ethnic” used as a dodge in general – it’s far more socially acceptable to say, “She looks ethnic” as opposed to (for example), “She looks Middle Eastern,” or “She doesn’t look white, but I can’t place her ethnic background exactly.”)

            With PoC in general – At first, I was just thinking it was a weird NPR-speak thing, since a lot of the examples you used were from NPR. But also…I think that might be more a problem with the “model minority” myth, personally. Like, we think that people of Asian/PI descent in general are doing just fine – and by some metrics, they are! But we then forget that people of Asian descent also have their own structural issues (and this also depends on whether you’re Middle Eastern, South Asian, East Asian, or Pacific Islander). It’s interesting that in the study example you listed off black people, Latinx people, and then Native Americans – that’s generally what would be considered “historically disadvantaged minorities” in the US.

            Also: For what it’s worth, I think that African-Americans are the most politically unified ethnic group (which is…a mixed bag), so that might be another part of it as well. Just in general, people don’t deal well with nuance, and in the US, since the highest-profile racial conflict is between blacks and whites, that’s how a lot of things are framed. It’s pretty stupid once you look below the surface – police brutality doesn’t just affect young black men, immigration and asylum doesn’t just affect Central Americans, terrorism is DEFINITELY not just about Middle Eastern and South Asian people – but I can kind of make sense of the bad shorthand going on.

            Finally, I think that people just stay within their own frameworks, and it takes work to get outside of those frameworks. (It’s work people should do! But also, it’s work, and people are lazy.) As I’m writing this, I can see that part of the reason I feel a little less urgent about this than you do is because I’m on the “other” end. (I will say that this is making me think about a lot of things, though!)

            1. PhyllisB*

              My pet peeve (and being a white person with no dog in this fight, feel free to disregard) is referring to all black people as African American.
              My sister and I had a flaming row in which she called me a racist because I referenced someone we both knew as black. (The reason race was even brought up was because we knew two people with the same first and last name, and one was white, the other black.)
              My argument is, that not all dark-skinned people are from Africa. Some are from Haiti, some from the Bahamas, ect. you get my meaning. Am I sounding racist by not just saying African American? If so, I will stop immediately because I AM NOT a racist person and I would never want anyone to think I was.

              1. Damaris*

                I’ve heard black people say that they prefer to be called black – that Jesse Jackson decided they should be called African- American and that was that– but they dont like it. As a white person, I must admit I prefer “black”. I’m white, she’s black. What’s wrong with that? African-American seems overly complicated and descriptive (should I be called Russian-Polish-American?) and it’s true that not all black people here are of African origin.

                1. matcha123*

                  My black family members call themselves black. I can’t think of any black people I personally know who call themselves “African American.” The idea behind the word was to move away from the ‘black/white’ dynamic, but I would say that black Americans are fine with ‘black’, and black people from South America or the Caribbean would prefer to identify with their countries of origin. Either way, I think using ‘African American’ over ‘black’ is a larger debate within white American circles than black ones.

              2. Femme D'Afrique*

                As an African, I (obviously?) don’t relate to the PoC appellation, but I wanted to give another perspective to PhyllisB. Here, people often use “black” and “African” as though they’re interchangeable, which is problematic for various reasons, for instance it denies most of North Africa of their “Africanness.”

                However, when I hear the term African American used to refer to people in the United States, regardless of whether their immediate ancestry is from Haiti or the Bahamas, I see it as an attempt to acknowledge that they all have their origins in Africa, which is true and is a politically powerful statement (as well as being an acknowledgment of a common history).

                When people use the appellation as a substitute for Black and end up referring to non-Americans as African Americans, then it’s the latter part of the phrase that needs interrogating, IMO.

                1. PhyllisB*

                  Hmmm..Femme, good points. My sister said I was racist for referring to someone as Black instead of African American because it’s demeaning to reduce someone to their to skin color. I get that, but I get referred to as White all the time, and to me it’s just an identifier, as I was using in this specific instance. We know two Mary Smiths; one Black, the other White/Caucasian. I don’t expect to be referred to as Irish-American, or English-American or whatever. How would anyone know which unless they knew my family lineage? So to me referring to all Black people as African American seems like the same thing. Never thought about the fact that original lineage was from Africa. (Besides, how do we know they’re (any color) are actually Americans? Maybe they’re still citizens of Jamaica, Costa Rico, ect. Anyway, not trying to start a debate here; but I would never want to do or say anything that would hurt someone or be construed as racist.

            2. matcha123*

              I am mixed black/Native American/white, so I definitely know the history of racism in the US.
              As a multiracial person with a large number of Asian American and multiracial friends, many of whom range from growing up in poverty to growing up with everything handed to them…from experiencing a lot of harassment to almost none, it is frustrating that these voices are rarely heard.

            3. Chameleon*

              Just wanted to clarify an issue that I’ve seen a couple times in this thread–the idea that Pacific Islanders do not fall into the “disadvantaged” PoC framework is totally not true. At least in my area, PI families tend to be very similar to African American and Latinx families in terms of income, educational achievement and opportunity, job discrimination, etc. Mileage may differ in areas where they are not as large a percentage of the population.

      3. matcha123*

        PX below (above?) has the meaning I was looking for. There are many issues in America that can be shared by people of color, but some issues that are more specific to certain communities.
        America really jumped on the race issue, but I feel like we also need national origin, too.
        I get that it’s a huge problem to tackle, what with 300-some million people in the US with roots in hundreds of nations.

    2. Drop Bear*

      It seems to me – a white non-US person – that using PoC is a step ‘backwards’ – back to a binary classification system- white or non-white ; making it so the most important thing is whether you are white or not – any other ethnic/cultural background is of secondary importance. I think it’s less to do with fear of saying ‘black’ or inclusiveness, and more about attempting to wipe out cultural/ethnic pride and power – but I’m old and cynical and hopefully wrong.

      1. CC*

        Its original intent is the opposite. The idea is that you emphasize the person, not their race or ethnicity. It is also used in different contexts, for example, saying people with disabilities instead of disabled person.

        However, most people do not mind if you say Black people or disabled people, but as I understand it, the original idea was to emphasize the humanity first.

      2. fposte*

        Though the UK has a similar locution, at least in academic circles, of BAME–Black, Asian, Minority Ethnic. In my head I always read as “badass mother effers,” which I think is a point in its favor.

        1. Marion Ravenwood*

          I work for a non-profit that works with employers on having more diverse workforces (among other things), and I fear that now I won’t be able to write or hear BAME at work without thinking that!

    3. PX*

      I come at this from a slightly different take as I’m not American and I’m black (and would always refer to myself as that). I..honestly get confused by PoC sometimes because its so broad I’m kind of like – well, who are you referring to here actually?

      Personally I think it is as you say – people are afraid to use the word black (which to me personally, is just a descriptor, same way I would refer to someone as being white) and so in trying to soften it and be inclusive, it then becomes a mass generalisation. And while I get that in some ways it may be useful to have an easy catch-all term (in some discussions), it can just as easily be unhelpful when, as you say, the topic being discussed is specific to a certain group, and it might be better to just…be specific about which group you are referring to.

      1. New Bee*

        American Black woman here, and I agree. I most often hear POC used to imply solidarity, which is…just not accurate in so many ways.

        I’ll also toss folks saying “African American” when they mean “Black” into this pile.

        1. ElspethGC*

          I’ll never stop being amused by American newscasters/talk show hosts/etc introducing Black British people as “British African American”.

        2. PX*

          Its actually not funny, but that last point of yours – I will never forget when there were riots in France a few years back and there was a clip from an American news channel (I forget which, not sure if there were multiple) talking about the ‘African Americans’ rioting in France and it was just like…*facepalm*.

        3. TL -*

          Oh interesting. I use it when I’m speaking very broadly but it’s very intentional when I do- I’ll say something like “Health disparities exist between white people and PoC,” which is true.
          If I wanted to talk about anything in particular, I would use more specific terms, ie, “Black women have maternal mortality rates 2x higher than white women, but Latina women have maternal mortality rates lower than white women.” But I really like looking at a big piece of data and breaking it down into all its different components, so I do tend towards more specific language when I can.

      2. Lissa*

        I’ve seen PoC used to mean everything from “anyone who isn’t 100% white” to “people who visibly aren’t white” to “black people” so yeah, I don’t think it’s useful unless you’re in a specific group who understands what meaning is being used.

      3. Mazzy*

        This is my takeaway too. Especially when a politician uses it in a general idea. Then you literally have no idea who exactly they’re talking about. Sometimes I wonder if they even know who exactly did they’re talking about. Sometimes I think they’re just using it as a shorthand for something else.

    4. ronda*

      this is putting me in mind of transgender naming conventions — from what i read you should call people what they want to be called.
      So maybe the group in the news story wants to be called poc?

      It is hard, cause everyone does not want to be called the same thing….. so at a overarching level, someone is always going to be annoyed.

      I do remember over the years, a few different ways you where supposed to label black people.

      And national origin….. I cant really tell by looking at people — and many black people would consider their national origin to be USA.

    5. purple otter*

      Asian-American here – yeah, I’ve kind of noticed that trend as well. Which frustrates me because if it’s supposed to be inclusive/non-discriminatory, then why does it apply to just black people/African-Americans? Are the rest of us minorities supposed to be referenced by where our ancestors came from or the “color” of our skin? Color is so vague anyway, since both Indians and Hispanics sometimes call themselves brown. And this doesn’t even go into multiracial people!

      Also, the hair issue mentioned upthread is so real. Asian hair has a different texture from European or African hair. I go to a salon where the clientele is entirely Asian or else my hair comes out looking stupid.

      1. TL -*

        I grew up in a majority-Hispanic area and when I moved to a big city and started going to salons that dealt with mostly-white customers, it made all the difference in the world for my hair. And I learned things – like, I always thought I had really thin hair but apparently, on the white-girl scale, my hair is actually thick.

        But growing up I could never understand why my friends and I would get haircuts at the same places and their hair would look amazing and mine would not – I always thought I just had difficult hair!

    6. Ann O.*

      I’m not PoC, but my husband is Asian-American and he’s mentioned both noticing that and feeling excluded by it.

    7. valentine*

      POC was coined for groups working in solidarity, so the Black Panthers, Brown Berets, and Yellow Peril are POC. Now, so many people do use it so they don’t have to say Black or even African American, the standard hypervigilance and invisibility. I’d be happy if everyone used the term as intended (and stopped with catchalls, in general), because it’s most often a way to erase Black women. “X show has a woman who is a POC!” Yeah. She’s Black. You don’t get to keep it a dirty word.

      It’s extremely galling that nonBlack and nonwhite people complain of feeling overlooked when there is any focus on Black people. Black people are not stopping you telling your stories and getting NPR to talk about you. And how are the Black people in your group? Because if they had everything they needed, so would you.

      1. matcha123*

        Black people are not stopping anyone from telling their stories. However, if the media at large use “PoC” in place of black, when they definitely mean “black,” then that cuts out voices.
        Why would it be galling for other minorities, who also experience discrimination in America, to feel overlooked?
        My issue is not about black people taking something from another minority group. My issue is that other minorities are being shut out of participating in many important discussions about race in America. It’s important that black Americans know about the contributions that other minority groups made to the Civil Rights movement in the US, and it is important for other minority groups to know how actions taken by black Americans have helped their communities.

        It is very important for other marginalized, minority voices to be heard.

        1. New Bee*

          “My issue is that other minorities are being shut out of participating in many important discussions about race in America.”

          True, but that’s the fault of white supremacy, not Black people. I see valentine’s point that it’s frustrating that Black people, especially Black women, are expected to do for everybody when they don’t do for us.

  9. Jemima Bond*

    This weekend I am moving out of the flat I have lived for just under 16 years. There is so much stuff. Send help.

    1. Feliz*

      Good luck! I hope it goes as well as possible.
      This is why we move or do a huge purge every 3-4yrs – I hate how stuff builds up. My spouse likes to keep everything so it’s a challenge! There’s a box of cds that has remained unopened for +8yrs – including through 3 moves and one stint in storage. I’ve warned spouse that they’re not moving again :D

      1. Drop Bear*

        Arson? But seriously – good luck. I’m determined never to move again unless I win the lottery and can afford to pay someone to do it all – and I do mean ALL!!

      2. Extra Vitamins*

        I hear you about the spouse. I just yesterday found mine has been keeping the cardboard bits out of the midddle of paper towel rolls, apparently for YEARS.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          It took me a while to break this habit when my kids stopped doing so many craft and school projects. (Same with shoeboxes. After so many years of “Okay next week everyone bring in a shoe box…”)

        4. Perse's Mom*

          Check with local animal shelters or small animal rescues! I think mice, hamsters, gerbils, even rabbits will happily play with/gnaw on them.

    2. I am still Furious!!*

      Oh good luck! I had to clean out my house where I lived for 27 years. Oh. My. Goodness. Where did all that stuff come from??? I’m down to a 10×12 foot stash in my Mom’s garage and I finally feel like I’ve gotten a handle on it! You’ll get there!

      1. Jennifer Thneed*

        Preparing to move. We’ve been here for just under 20 years. A *lot* of stuff isn’t coming with us. And I still expect to unpack stuff and decide it should go right into the donation pile after all.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I’ve been clearing my parents’ clutter.

      I keep thinking of a Stone Soup cartoon in which one sister is helping the other clear out her kitchen preparatory to working on the cabinets.
      Val: What’s in this drawer?
      Joan: That’s the junk drawer.
      Val: But what’s in it?
      Joan: I don’t remember.
      Val: …. Okay, turn your back.

    5. Lady Alys*

      Unpacking in our new house after six months of construction limbo. I thought I had decluttered a lot, but wow was I wrong. You have my sympathies. Good luck!

    6. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Hug. I am trying to clean out the 25+ years of clutter from the deceased hoarding spouse (7 garage stalls full). It’s an endless task and I’ve given myself 9 months. Going slowly.
      Make some rules about jettisoning and do not deviate. Indecision is not your friend.
      Can you send a plea out to others – bring helping hands and there is free pizza? Beg for help? Is it packing? Buying the boxes/tape/supplies (doing a Home depot run?) Lifting? donation run? Identify the one big thing that would help you the most, and ask for the help from EVERYONE. I was surprised at those who came to help.

      1. CommonName*

        Sounds like my mom. She has a storage unit just for… my old baby clothes. Now that my dad’s passed, I’m planning on visiting for a week just to clean.

    7. valentine*

      Throw out anything you don’t use, especially if you forgot you had it. Just throw it right out. When I decide I can let something go, it’s best if I throw it out straightaway. No donation pile to postpone decisions. The KonMari pile in the middle of the floor is too distressing for me, but I was able to ditch a lot of stuff because her of book and no longer want to weep at the thought of moving.

    8. Jemima Bond*

      I’m still alive! Back to the flat tomorrow to clean and collect a few bits and pieces, but the worst is over. Mr Bond has been a prince among men, driving the van and helping out in all ways. Strokes of luck include: that the management company of the flats where I’vd just left, decided to order a skip this weekend to put out for residents’ domestic waste; that I am a big strong lady that can (with one other human) lift and move a beast of a sofa bed; and that a lady from a local Facebook group with whom I rehomed my sandwich toaster, brought me a chocolate orange as a thank you!

    9. Jemima Bond*

      I forgot to mention – in the course of rewarding Mr Bond with pizza and beer for his hard work, I was lucky enough that the pizza place accidentally delivered the pizza twice. We did say, but the delivery lady let us keep the second one. So tomorrow’s lunch is covered!

    10. Daisy Avalin*

      We moved two weeks ago – I got rid of 19 bin bags of clothes, and have 20 – 25 bags left to sort through and decide what I want to keep!

      Just keep breathing through it, and make sure you have alcohol to hand on the last night of moving!

  10. Feliz*

    Is there any correct response to the following situation?
    A family member (by marriage) vaguebooks a lot, which I just roll my eyes at and ignore. Like random memes about how people hurt you but you know who your true friends are. These do not get many comments

    Occasionally she posts quite cutting things about her spouse. I hate it when she does this – firstly this is not the right forum for your problems! And secondly her spouse bends over backwards for her and their child. Spouse isn’t on facebook but lots of other family members are.

    I’ve just ignored it for years but it’s starting to wear on me. I can’t even imagine trying to bring it up in conversation, and I’m definitely not planning to add a comment!

    1. Lena Clare*

      I don’t know what vaguebooking is but…she’s passive-aggressive. Ugh, passive-aggressive people.

      The relationship between her and her husband is not really your thing so I’d say leave that alone, unless you feel that he is being abused in which case I think it’s ok to offer support if he needs it, but I don’t think you’re saying that.

      I’d block her on Facebook so you don’t have to keep seeing this stuff. (I’m not on Facebook because I.HATE.IT). You’re still interacting with her in meat space right because she’s a family member.
      If she asks why you blocked her on FB (which I don’t think people can tell, can’t they?, but she might notice she can’t see your stuff on there, and because she has no boundaries she might mention it) you can say “I’m not enjoying our online interactions”, or if that’s too uncomfortable you can lie and say “I want to keep my interactions on there just to people who don’t live near enough for me to see regularly, so it’s a way to keep in regular contact”. I mean you don’t actually owe her an explanation.

      And if she *is* one of those people who you don’t see regularly in meat space well then the beauty of online is you don’t need to respond at all – your silence *is* your answer. And I’m presuming you have contact with her outside of Facebook? Like texting and whatever? But she doesn’t send passive-aggressive memes to you directly via text?
      If she did, that would be weird… super weird. But you could always respond with the disingenuous “huh, I don’t know what you mean at all?”

      I would totally love doing this in kind – they send a meme, I send one back e.g.

      Or, go read Captain Awkward for better advice than what I can give you :)

      It sucks to have to be the one to consistently set boundaries, especially when it’s hard work and it’s the *other person* making it difficult. But it’s 2-fold: set the boundary, then stick to it. You don’t have to put up with this is ypu don’t want to.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Oh format fail, some stuff got missed out

        The example was – I would send a meme back of a ‘very puzzled person with a big question mark over their head’ in response to her sending you memes to your personal number if she texts. But that’s me being childish :D

      2. TL -*

        Vaguebooking is posting things like, “This has been the worst day ever and at least I know who my true friends are” where you allude to a problem in a fairly dramatic way but don’t specify what it is. Bonus points if you snap at people for asking what’s wrong in the comments or pointedly state that you don’t want people prying into your issues when they ask.

          1. Jean (just Jean)*

            >LOL and headdesk at the same time

            Double Oh wow–this is an eloquent combination of two words in Modern Language.*
            Although my son’s “f*ck yeah” reaction to certain results in the U.S. election is a close second. (Not specifying _which_ results except to say that he was not rejoicing about the election of any White Nationalist Racists.) End political discussion.

            *description I just invented which I wanted to mean “lingo used by young people who want to get on my lawn.” It probably also means “I have aged so far away from being hip that I need a translator!”

        2. Anon Anon Anon*

          I honestly don’t see what’s so terrible about that. Sometimes it’s helpful to reach out and tell people who you’re feeling even if you can’t go into detail. Some stuff is too personal for Facebook. Sometimes getting specific is inadvisable for legal reasons, or because friends of the person you’re talking about are in the audience, or work, politics, all kinds of things.

          But if people know something bad happened, they can be more understanding when they run into you and you seem grouchy, or reach out privately / in person to offer support. I know some people vaguebook passive aggressively, but it can be a healthy thing too.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            It’s that indirect way of speaking, that avoids addressing the actual problem with the person involved. The unspoken message here is “one of you really messed up today, I am not saying which one of you, but I am really ticked about it. And you should know that.” Meanwhile, no one has any idea who the writer is angry with or why.
            This is not how adults handle problems.
            When used repeatedly over a long period of time, it comes across as passive-aggressive, since it’s not a one time vent but rather it’s a way of life. “Time to play guess who I am mad at now.”

            This is not a person who wants to solve matters, this is a person who wants to wallow in problems.

            1. Slartibartfast*

              A modern version of “If you don’t know what you did wrong, I’m certainly not going to tell you!”

            2. LilySparrow*

              Yep. If it’s too personal for Facebook, then keep it off Facebook. Reach out to individuals who can support you, or tell people you’ve been grouchy to, “Sorry, I’m having a tough day.”

              A public performance of “Oooooh, I’m just so very very upset” isn’t going to get you any real support or compassion.

          3. Asenath*

            I am not on Facebook – but honestly, the description given reminded me of people who go around obviously absolutely miserable, and when you ask what’s wrong, they tell you that if you paid any attention you’d know and so on and so forth, and the whole scenario blows up into a nasty quarrel over what an unkind and selfish person you are, not noticing and fixing OP’s problems. In non-Facebook life, I finally dealt with this, to be honest, by ignoring the dramatic hints of misery. Unkind, perhaps, but better for my mental health and peace of mind.

          4. Lissa*

            I mean….there’s ways to do it and ways not to do it. A one time, “I’m going through a really rough time and could use some support – anyone up for distracting me with cat pictures?” Totally fine. Or something like “I can’t get into details now but things aren’t going well for me, please send good thoughts.” Also can be fine. It gives some actionable advice for how you’d like the support to manifest, and isn’t deliberately mysterious.

            The kind of vaguebooking that I find people really hate is the type that “subtly” complains about someone who can likely see it. I think this is also called subtweeting? Like, “Wow, you THINK you know somebody, and then find out they stabbed you in the back!!” Also, anything like “I guess I am just a terrible person who doesn’t deserve happiness” where it’s pretty much screaming “please tell me how I’m actually great!” By anyone above 16 or so.

            Frequency is also huge. I’ve got a friend-ish person who posts about being betrayed by friends on a really regular basis, and it just comes off as immature and dramatic. But basically everyone can get away with a bit of drama once in awhile if they usually aren’t like that.

            1. Anon Anon Anon*

              Ok, I get that. These explanations are helpful.

              For me, what the person is complaining about also makes a big difference. I get really sick of dramatic posts about minor problems, or problems that come with having advantages in life. I’m a lot more understanding when people are talking about major things that they don’t have a lot of control over.

              But I guess vaguebooking is about the kind of tone you use – whether it’s helpful to anyone or just blowing off steam.

              1. Lissa*

                Yeah – also with vaguebooking someone could be talking about anything from a family member being seriously ill to their roommate not doing the dishes to their specification, because they don’t say! Glad that helped though! I’ve had my share of drama monarchs on my FB feed over the years.

                1. Anon Anon Anon*

                  I’ve been guilty of it at times. Sometimes a lot of stuff is going wrong and you just want to announce, “World, times are hard for me right now!” I’m trying to figure out how and when to do that (if at all) and what lines not to cross. I always regret it, but then I think, “Well, at least I’m reaching out to people and communicating. There are less healthy ways to deal with problems.” But I think it is generally something to avoid.

          5. Parenthetically*

            I mean, I hear ya, but this isn’t, “Hey, I’m going through a tough time right now, I really could use your good vibes/prayers/bottles of wine right now!” THAT is absolutely healthy. But “some people are SO petty but it’s cool I’ll get mine and one day you’ll get yours and meanwhile my real friends stick around and don’t stab me in the back” — I literally do not see any way for that to be healthy.

        3. PhyllisB*

          Never heard the term vaguebooking before, but guess I did that a couple of weeks ago. However, I did not get upset with people who expressed concern, I thanked them and told them I would reveal all soon but for now didn’t know what to do and asked them to keep me in their prayers. Don’t put something like that out and then get pissy with people who express love and concern for you. If it’s just somebody being nosy/looking for gossip, piss away!!

      3. tangerineRose*

        Or the unfollow option. This has been very helpful to me in the last few years. I don’t mind people having different views than I have, but if people with any views (even views I mostly agree with) get overly obnoxious about it repeatedly, they’re unfollowed.

        2. Clumsy Ninja*

          I have unfollowed quite a few people lately. It’s very freeing. I can go check in on them once in awhile and see if things have changed, but we’re still friends and I don’t have to be annoyed by their crap.

      4. Anon Anon Anon*

        I’ve just stopped looking at the news feed. It’s designed to push your buttons. It causes too much stress. As much as I want to keep in touch with people, that’s just not worth it.

    3. JB*

      I agree that the best plan of action may be to block her (I doubt she will notice, if she does you could feign ignorance, “Oh, I’m not in your friend list anymore. How strange, I rarely use Facebook. I’ll have to look into that! Anyway, [topic change ready at hand]”

      My brother’s wife started a blog that I read for a bit, until she started posting about their relationship. It got too intimate to me and seemed like things that should stay between the two of them (or discretely talked to with her close friends, if she wants advice). I stopped reading the blog.

      1. Parenthetically*

        You can hide/unfollow someone AND NEVER SEE THEIR STUFF AGAIN HALLELUJAH without the drama of blocking or unfriending them. Bless facebook for this feature honestly.

    4. Waiting for the Sun*

      I am on Facebook a lot and that kind of thing is really annoying. Agree with unfollowing her.
      Google “7 Ways to be Insufferable on Facebook” by Wait But Why for some laughs of solidarity.

    5. Old Biddy*

      Can you hide her posts? I know it’s harder with family members, but if she asks you can always blame it on Facebook’s ever-changing algorithms.
      I have low tolerance for humblebraggers, oversharers, and vaguebookers, so I hide their posts. No one has ever commented. Ever so often I glance at their pages to see if I missed anything important.

    6. Slartibartfast*

      My sister in law is like this. I can’t unfriend.her, did that once and she noticed! It was not worth the family drama, so I pretended it was an accident. I have her hidden on my news feed and I am more of a lurker than a poster, so it’s plausible I just don’t ‘notice’ unless she messages me directly. Out of sight out of mind and ignore, ignore, ignore. I feel bad for BIL, but it’s his monkey and his circus, not mine.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      Living with someone for a long time means they will absolutely do stuff that irritates you. But I HATE when people complain non-stop about their spouses to the world at large. Reasons:

      1. If I’m your coworker, I don’t care.
      2. If I’m just a Facebook friend, I also don’t care.
      3. Unless it’s funny and you’re obviously gently teasing and he/she would laugh along with you, it’s rude and demeaning to run down someone you purportedly love, especially if they bend over backwards for you. I dislike those shrewish wife cartoons for the same reason.
      4. I don’t want to know stuff you should be keeping private (i.e. “He never blah blah blah sex stuff”). Everyone I know who does this eventually complains about sex. Everyone. Now when Bob comes to pick you up, I’ll be thinking about how he doesn’t blahblahblahsexstuff. Thanks for that.
      5. I’d give anything to have a spouse even if he throws their socks toward the hamper so that they fall behind it instead of in it and then when he runs out of socks, says, “Babe, why don’t I have any socks?”*

      Stop doing it or get a divorce since you’re obviously unhappy.

      *I literally just now made that up but I would be okay with it

      1. Justin*

        This is why, even though like any humans we argue, I don’t complain about my wife online (or to anyone aside from working things out with a professional.. uh, not that kind of professional).

        So I agree 100%

    8. Feliz*

      I think this was probably more of a vent so thanks for listening! I see some of you know people who do exactly the same, like the passive aggressive stuff. This really nailed it for me: “I get really sick of dramatic posts about minor problems, or problems that come with having advantages in life.” She has an incredible amount of privilege that goes completely unrecognised – and then complains about her (pretty easy) life. And yes, at heart she is very unhappy.

      I don’t want to unfollow her else I’ll miss out on seeing what their child is up to – we only see them in person 2-3x per year. I’ll just keep ignoring

      The joys of family!

    9. PhyllisB*

      Yeah, my husband got off FB because he didn’t like seeing comments I made about him and all the responses. The odd thing is, I NEVER put anything negative about him. (I save that for y’all.) :-) The only things I ever said was something like Happy Birthday/Anniversary/I love you, or look what my sweet hubby had waiting for me when I got home from work today: a string of pearls and a bouquet of flowers for my birthday. I didn’t realize this upset him until he got off FB and told our kids over a Sunday lunch why. If he had just told me, I would have quit mentioning him.

  11. Blue Bird*

    I argued with someone about Woody Allen (the abuse allegations) and he was enraged that anyone could doubt his integrity. Cue him yelling at me and talking over me (“it’s art! It’s just a fantasy! So what if he likes them young? It’s just his taste! Only one woman ever accused him and her memories are not reliable!”). By the end I was silently shaking with fury and disgust.

    So exhausting. :-(

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        Exactly. there are a LOT of artists, writers, musicians, etc whom I very much admire their abilities, while also knowing that they are horrible human beings. It’s not mutually exclusive.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Good point–it can indeed be exhausting to be around someone who disagrees with you on something about which you feel strongly. Especially when the other person also has a different take on what’s appropriate (yelling? talking over you?). Can you take any comfort in having stayed civil?

      Comic postscript: I wrote this before undoing a Major Reading Comprehension Fail. First time around I misread the “he was enraged” as “I was enraged.” No offense intended. I’m just amused at myself for having been so Carefully Polite in my reply…which still stands even after my Reading Comprehension Adjustment.

      I am slowly slowly trying to become less of a Ranter and more of a Discusser. Nothing cures a person like seeing this habit reflected by one’s teenaged offspring (or students, or younger siblings, cousins, other associates, etc.). It’s like Egad, I have really set a terrible example!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      So if Mr. Allen snuggled up to his underage daughter he would be fine with that because art triumphs everything else????
      So if every artist or designer in the world behaved in the same manner that would be okay also?

      Sometimes it’s clear that conversations are going no where fast. It’s sometimes easier just to end the conversation as soon as I realize, “Let’s agree to disagree and move on to another topic.” I have noticed that with some people, routinely shutting down certain topics does over time help them to rethink what they are saying. It works sometimes but not always.

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        Gah, NSNR, I hope nobody misinterpreted my diplomatic vagueness for approval of Woody Allen’s behavior. I boycott his movies and have ever since his affair with his stepdaughter-now-wife became public.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            “you’re”
            Sigh. [To self: just type whatever word sounds like the actual word, it’s okay.]

          2. Jean (just Jean)*

            I was really worried about other readers misunderstanding me. It’s pretty clear that your rebuttal applies only to people who are actively defending Mr. Allen. No offense taken and I trust none given. :-)

            I like your idea re redirecting conversations before they go off a cliff. I think I have to gain more maturity before I develop the discipline to do this–I’m usually too interested in the lurid narrative of watching myself or someone else take the discussion clear over the edge. (Opens mouth, inserts foot.)

            1. Not So NewReader*

              I suffer this affliction also. But I am very fortunate to have friends who have enriched my life so I have suddenly become motivated to find new ways of dealing with things. I have one friend in particular who helps a lot of people, myself included. Everything is fine until the wheels fall off on some topics. I can’t let the topic go by unchecked but I don’t want to destroy the friendship either. So this is my new approach that I am working with. It’s been a few years and I am seeing changes in my friend. He seems to be thinking about things.

  12. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread!
    What have you accomplished this week that you’re proud of – whether it’s NaNoWriMo progress, a technical manual, or even just a difficult e-mail that you managed to handle perfectly?
    Personally I once wrote some banter between characters only to realise they were HELLA FLIRTING with each other. So now I’ve been figuring out how to deal with a person from a culture that reveres the dead possibly dating a necromancer.

    1. This Daydreamer*

      I’ve got over 17k words so I’m pretty happy with that. I’m not sure what happens next, though, so I’m a little bit stuck. I need to stop procrastinating and start typing again.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        That’s amazing! 17k is a hell of an accomplishment in one week. Congratulations.

        When I’m stuck and can’t move on unless I write something, I just write something in bold like – Jane needs to do x thing here – figure it out – and then move on as though I’ve written it. I find it easier to come back in the editing process.

        Which is sort of where I’m at right now. I’ve just started something new and I’d forgotten how hard it is to write a good opening so I’m just sort of flinging words at the page and holding my breath until I get into the meat of it.

    2. Sled dog mama*

      I did not get Mad over a stupid email my boss sent me and managed to reply civily in five minutes instead of the two hours it normally takes.
      Major win for me!

    3. poetry writing*

      As you may recall I was writing a little book of poetry to gift to someone and it went really well! they were very grateful and touched by it. I also survived them not adoring all the poems in there – I mean, even I had my favorites so they were allowed to too.

      I tried something different with a poem, in that it was using the white space in the page differently, and I used bold too, and it was interesting. I always wondered how/why writers decide to do that but I guess the poem tells you it needs it, so that was instructive.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        That sounds pretty cool. I’ve always wondered how writers made that decision myself (poetry is most certainly not my strong suit ^^’ )
        Glad the recipient liked it!

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I’m at 24K already (I cheated and started with 15K, which helped when I switched projects and also I lost time at the election and protesting on Thursday). It’s going really well. You can follow my progress on my blog (link in my name).

      I was trying to avoid writing Book 2, since Book 1 hasn’t found a rep/sold (yet!), but the project I started NaNoWriMo with doesn’t want to be a novel. It seems more suited to a screenplay. I wanted to try that form anyway and didn’t have anything to work with, so I decided to save it for that. Plus, trying to fit it into the novel form when it didn’t want to go just stressed me out.

      So I chucked it and went on to Book 2. I know I did the right thing because there is so much less stress, yay. Last year, I tried to NaNo Book 2, but I got sick and lost so much time that I couldn’t finish. Then there were Book 1 edits, rewrites, job hunting stress, etc. etc. pfffffffffttt. If this keeps going well, I may either finish or end November way past 50K. :)

        1. Justin*

          …get anxious when things might possibly maybe ever be late and… overwork ahead of time to ease anxious feelings.

          Note, this anxiety used to paralyze me and led to procrastination. I (with prof help, meditation and generally learning myself) am at least able to weaponize it rather than try (and fail) to eliminate it.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      At that place which must not be named, my part of our high-visibility Teapot Peripheral (TM) project was listed by the regulatory agency. Phew.

      At home? I feel sheepish it’s taken so long, but .. I realized that I’m actually feeling organized in the public parts of the house we moved into last year. Bedrooms & home office & garage workshop are another matter, but I’m even start to catch up on the “depression debris” boxes I hid away the year my mother died.

    7. PhyllisB*

      Okay, so what is NaNoWriMo? I get it that it’s some of kind of writing; essays? SciFi? Fanfiction? (not even real sure what that last one is, either.) I’ve seen the term in here a lot lately and I’m curious.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        National Novel Writing Month. It’s indeed a writing thing. You can sign up on their site and the goal is to write 50k words (a rather arbitrary number tbh, but having a certain goal can be useful) within the month of november. Personally I don’t care much for it, but for every person who doesn’t like it you’ll find someone who does.
        There’s no specific genre either – you can do fantasy, romance, sci-fi,…

        2. TardyTardis*

          And it just has to be 50k words in a row–there’s no requirement that it has to be good. Lots of loving description can be your friend.

    8. Not Australian*

      Sorted out some major admin stuff from my small business, some of which had been outstanding for quite a while, and caught up with my filing. Given the size of the room I work in, this has major implications in terms of freeing up workspace both physically and mentally.

  13. This Daydreamer*

    I’m feeling very sorry for myself right now. I’m at work for a twelve hour shift and have four hours left. A little while ago I was getting really hungry, so I decided to heat up my soup. It was the only food I brought with me.

    Well, I just had to clean the entire thing out of the microwave after it went boom. All I have to eat now is from the office junk food stash. I know I know, first world problems, but I seriously almost started crying when I saw my soup splattered all over the place. Boo.

    1. Loopy*

      I don’t know if this will help but I have the same level of emotion when I don’t have my planned food at work. Having a solid meal (and not assorted junk) is so important to my well being (I get hangry) and I feel so you. Sending internet hugs. I would be in the exact same place.

    2. GhostWriter*

      I was visiting a relative in another state recently, and she said I could take any foods bars I wanted as snacks for the plane trip back. I grabbed two gram cracker/peanut sandwich butter bars and some sort of nut bar that looked really good. At the airport, I took a bite of a gram cracker bar and it was the most foul tasting thing I’d ever eaten. Realized the expiration date was in 2015. Checked the nut bar, which expired in 2017. Threw it all out and had to buy super expensive airport food.

      It’s sooooo disappointing when you’re looking forward to eating something and you’re HUNGRY and then you can’t eat it because it’s ruined somehow. :/

    3. LCL*

      Been there done that-worked a 12 and my lunch got destroyed or made inedible somehow. You have all of my sympathy, it really ruins your day. Then you compensate by eating everything in sight when you finally get back to a decent food source. 12s can be rough.

      1. TardyTardis*

        Did a 10 hour day at the tax place a couple of times last year (a peanut butter sandwich in a plastic bag in your pocket can be your friend. Also, some of those days they had pizza in back). At least I had all the coffee I could drink.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      You should have seen my face drop the day I got missed breakfast, got stuck in meetings, and at 12:15 learned that the cafeteria was out of hot food.

  14. Lena Clare*

    I have been depressed and this week I started therapy… and it was amazing. Not the first time I’ve done therapy, but definitely the most profound.

    Right now, I feel horrible, my heart is aching, and I’m grieving, but I also feel…hopeful? I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it’s ‘terrible mixed in with not-so-terrible’, which is a vast improvement on just a few days ago when everything was just terrible.

    I hope everyone has a lovely weekend.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Feel the feeling. Feelings are not actions, they are just feelings. They impact no one, however if a feeling or feelings are locked inside us and cannot come out those feelings can eat our insides right up. Stomach problems, heart problems, intestinal problems etc.
      May your path continue to get lighter and lighter.

      1. Alpha Bravo*

        Preach! As someone who has spent the better part of the last year desperately trying to avoid feeling those dreaded Feelings, I can attest to the deleterious effects on the digestive system. :/

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      It’s wonderful when to click and start seeing the light growing brighter.

      Have you read anything by Jennifer Lawson? Aka The Bloggess. She’s incredibly direct and funny about living with depression & other disorders.

    5. Sorority Woman*

      Good for you for taking action!

      Be kind to yourself. You are doing your best. Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to a friend in this situation – you’d encourage and be positive!

      Good luck and keep us posted!

  15. JB*

    To celebrate my 30th birthday, my husband and I have rented a house to invite friends for a three-day weekend near the beach. We will be around 12 adults, 2 children, and 2 babies. There are 7 rooms so each couple/family will have their own room. Foodwise, I think my husband and I will organize the meals and ask our friends to chip-in (this is the norm in my social circle).

    Anyone have tips on how to make sure the weekend is enjoyable and relaxing for all? Any fun 30th birthday ideas to make the celebration more memorable?

    1. AcademiaNut*

      I would say to be careful to not over schedule – have your key events (like a birthday dinner), and have suggestions for things to do that people can join, but also let people do their own thing for part of the day if they want to.

      Oh, and discuss shower schedules, so that everyone isn’t trying to get hot water at the same time.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Over scheduling is a big deal. The rule I use is the more people the longer everything takes. Allot extra time for whatever you plan such as add an hour on for each meal time.

        I clocked it once. We took seven people in a mini-van on a day trip. JUST to stop and use the bathroom was almost an hour. We did not get to all the things we had planned. At some point it stops being about activity and just starts being about hanging out with each other and, oh yeah, there is this activity that we are trying to do if we get to it….

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Ask the parents about food for the 2 kids, and if they offer to handle the food for them let them. Some kids go through a period of only liking a certain brand of chicken nugget or shaped cracker, and being very restrictive at 4 really doesn’t correlate with what they will want to eat when they are 20. Or even 5.

    3. Hannah*

      Don’t take on too much planning. Keep it simple. Maybe plan dinners, buy an assortment of easy breakfast and lunch items, share what those items are with your friends, and then say “you’re welcome to bring anything else to meet your own specific needs” to avoid anyone saying “can you buy X kind of bread or Y kind of milk?”

      Pick one or two things YOU want to do, and tell your friends “Husband and I are going to the llama farm on Saturday and the teapot museum Tuesday. Everyone is welcome to join us, or it’s fine to do your own thing too!”

      Wrangling that many people’s schedules, especially with kids, etc., is nearly impossible, and a resentment-free opt-in situation will be easier than trying to please everyone.

    4. Kuododi*

      We did a rental house on the beach for our parents 50th anniversary. We stayed for a week, played on the beach and divvied up kitchen duties. The kids were older so there were no issues around keeping up with baby supplies, toys etc. We did tour a couple of local museums, historical locations but for the most part kept things loose bc coordinating that many people with various wishes, physical limitations etc is like herding cats. The evening of Mom and Dad’s actual anniversary, we made a reservation for dinner at a local seafood restaurant which did a wonderful job with our huge gaggle of people. Enjoy your trip and have a great time!!!!

    5. Feliz*

      When we do stuff like this with more than 6-ish adults we ask people to bring what they want for breakfast, then to pick a lunch or dinner and be totally responsible for it for everyone. Allergies/requirements are taken into account. They bring the food, prep and clean up.

      Else we end up spending the entire weekend buying food, preparing food and cleaning up after food. People do want to be helpful, but it’s easy to have a huge oversupply of food (that won’t fit in the fridge) and I end up feeling like I’m having to be involved in everything all weekend and it’s not really relaxing.

      This has worked surprisingly well – we all still help each other out and it’s fun. Plus our friends enjoy showing off their culinary skills (or lack of – but replaced by good planning – nothing wrong with store bought stuff)

      I hope you have a great birthday – sounds like fun!

    6. Not A Manager*

      Happy birthday! We’ve done several large-group events for various reasons, so I have some suggestions.

      First, it can be fun to organize all the meals, but another approach would be to ask everyone to volunteer to cater one meal. With six couples, you have an opportunity for everyone to be on their own for, say, breakfast, with eggs and cold cereal, etc. available for them. Everyone could volunteer for either a lunch or a dinner, with the cooks doing as elaborate a feast as they want, and the not-cooks getting cold cuts and sandwich fixings. We’ve had couples pair up for a meal, we’ve had one fancy breakfast, etc.

      This does run the risk of duplicating ingredients. We usually solve that by having everyone just take away whatever they brought, if everyone is driving. Other options are for people to post what staples they are bringing – olive oil, butter, etc. – and then you don’t have so much extra stuff.

      In terms of events, we’ve had good luck with one or two “everyone attends” events, and then a few others that people can join or not. “Whoever wants to go for a hike, meet at the trailhead at 1 pm.” Depending on the crowd, people have enjoyed board games, midnight swims, fires indoors or out, and booze. Sometimes dancing.

      Know in advance how you are going to choose bedrooms. Seriously. I’ve seen whole weekends go to shit because people had very different ideas of what was fair.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Beach? Lucky you!
      Let people know to tell the parents if they decide to bring a boat of any kind so they can bring life jackets in the right size for their kids.
      Plastic kiddy pools make amusing drinks coolers until a toddler tries to get in not realizing it’s ice.
      And remember the advice from Kurt Vonnegut…wear sunscreen.

    8. Bethany D*

      Ask the parents if the babies have regular naptimes to be considered in scheduling activities. Trying to play noisy boardgames right when Wilmington Junior is going to sleep will not make anyone happy! But delaying a hike half an hour so Daisy Dumpling can be toted along in a baby carrier would let all the adults participate. You don’t have to spend the entire weekend revolving around the kids of course, but making it easy for the parents to take care of their kids’ basic needs will help them be able to enjoy themselves too.

  16. ScotKat*

    I’m running my 5k in the dark tomorrow! With two friends. It’ll be fun, and I don’t think anyone’s going for fast, we’re just going to enjoy it. I like a 5k because I am not stressing about it like with a 10k.

    Today though I am at a bit of a loose end. Hmm. It’s so sunny, I might walk to the next small town and get a coffee, then walk back. What are you all up to today?

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Good luck with the 5K in the dark! I’ve always wanted to do an after-dark race. The only one I know of in the New York City area is the midnight run in Central Park on New Year’s Eve… and I hate New Year’s Eve and always just want to hide from it.

      1. ScotKat*

        Thanks! Yeah, I wouldn’t fancy a New Year one either. This one’s at 5pm so hopefully not too cold, and everything will be lit up and we get head torches to wear. It should be good fun! I’m looking forward to it being a chilled race rather than worrying about whether I can even complete it, haha.

    3. CoffeeOnMyMind*

      How fun! I’ve never done a night race, although I’ve ran in a dusk race two years in a row now. It was during the summer, and I had such a blast. I hope you do, too. Good luck!

  17. Loopy*

    Updates: I realized if people like work letter updates, maybe everyone who has commented on my various dilemmas might also like weekend thread updates? If so, here goes:

    Going to the book festival on fiance’s rare Saturday off:

    It’s today! Fiance showed less than zero interest in coming and seeing book festival (which is absolutely fine) and actually lunch didn’t even work out because he got asked to work a breakfast shift. BUT the most important update was: he wasn’t as disappointed/upset as I projected and whoever advised me to flip the situation and see how I would have felt was 100% RIGHT. I was projecting feelings on to him and he totally seemed to get how important the book festival was for me and didn’t show any indication he would have rather had me give up the festival to do something together. In fact he helped me plan! Plus we might have an opportunity to go out to dinner tomorrow night, so it all worked out.

    Wedding feelings:

    Turns out removing some problematic media from my life went a long, long, long way. That and other parts of life ramping up was a good combination (elections, holidays! other fun events) and I feel less obsessive about my appearance now probably just through sheer distraction. Didn’t end up talking to fiance about because other wedding communication issues came up and we worked through those successfully (which was very hard but I’m so relieved we got through it). I’m still frustrated that overall, wedding planning has not been the best experience for me because I just… I want to be someone who doesn’t care about the wedding and focuses only on the marriage. So in general I’m still struggling with how caught up I got in wedding!feelings, but I guess we can’t always be our absolutely ideal selves.

    Investor/mascara advice:

    I decided to get him a subscription to morningstar and membership to aii (american independent investors) – two options I NEVER would have thought of on my own and that I’m super thrilled about!

    Sadly my commitment to getting up earlier to put on makeup lasted a whopping 2 days. So until I can make it a routine, no pricey mascara for me! But if I do ever make it a habit, I’m definitely picking up Sephora’s Better than Sex!

    Thanks to this community for being so responsive, helpful and supportive! It’s made such a difference in my life! Now, off to the book festival!

    2. Lazy Cat*

      I just want to say you’re not alone in wedding planning being not the best. I got engaged and planned a wedding literally across the country from my family and friends, which was killer when all the wedding (planning) social media emphasizes “special time with your mom!” or “DIY session with your ladies!”

      It got especially bad since my fiance was still in school and got congratulated left right and center – which I loved hearing about, but also made me cry more than once. I got around that in the end by being very clear with my fiance about what my emotions were, and accepting that it was okay to be sad.

      Also, I feel you on the Saturdays off. I get one a month, and this year we’ve had to schedule almost every one for major events. It makes Sunday our one weekend day, and there’s such (imagined) pressure to do something special or “fun” – even if what we want is to do our individual craft projects at home.

      All that to say, I feel where you’re coming from, and I’m glad it’s better than last week.

    3. Reba*

      Hey Loopy, I totally get you about the confusion of wedding feelings. Some things I really cared about (but felt at times I should not care about because I am a Smart Feminist Modern Lady, not a dupe of the WIC) other things I didn’t care about but could be shaken into wondering whether I was doing it all wrong…. I found the checklists and whatnot so horrible for that! And yeah, media diet and some personal relationship information diets were so important.

      Glad you got to go to the book fair happily! Love book fairs.

      Finally, was it mentioned to you before to consider eyelash tinting?

    4. King Friday XIII*

      Lucky you! I would have totally gone to the Portland Book Festival if I wasn’t working today. It’s part of a healthy relationship to respect that your partner does stuff you’re not into and support them in it, so I’m very happy your fiance was supportive and helpful and wants you to do things that you will enjoy!

    6. TootsNYC*

      I hope you can start to think of “wedding planning” as “just planning a party.”

      And also, it’s totally OK to just go with whatever seems easiest. My own experience was that the emotions of that actual day, and the people of that actual day, so far overshadowed anything else that it really didn’t matter what I decided.

  18. AMD*

    Has anyone gone from being a really messy person to being clean and organized? What helped in making that transition? What did you have to sacrifice to achieve it?

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Pull up a chair and get comfy :-D . Short answer: The good news is that there’s a lot of help/ inspiration/ encouragement out there. Create systems that work for you. This includes being able to follow them routinely. Don’t expect overnight miracles. Be kind to yourself. Celebrate small achievements. Longer answer below in two parts.

      First the impersonal evasion: There are many authors or bloggers or other resources in this arena. Some will speak to you, others won’t; that’s okay. A partial list, not in any particular order: Don Aslett; Julie Morgenstern; Marie Kondo; Peter Walsh; Brooks Palmer of clutterbusting [dot] com; FlyLady; the Slob Sisters (one of whom has retired; the other seems to be affiliated with FlyLady); <Taming the Paper Tiger by Barbara Hemphill; Unf*ck Your Habitat (book + online in various formats); NAPO, the National Association of Professional Organizers; and probably a lot of information from the ADD/ADHD community. Visit chadd[dot]org to begin or look for Edward “Ned” Hallowell, or Kathleen Nadeau. If you suspect executive functioning challenges try the book Late, Lost, and Unprepared. Go online and/or to the public library or a bookstore and prepare to be overwhelmed.

      Now for the personal confession: I’ve been trying to achieve this for time measured in decades (to be fair, while also becoming a parent and weathering various challenging life events)! *Looks around at home filled with clutter plus evidence of active life in a fairly small space.* Your experience may vary. I hope so.

      Once you get going you start to gain skills in sorting, decluttering, setting priorities, and/or recycling or donating or discarding whatever you don’t want to keep. At that point it starts to get enjoyable because your confidence increases. Good luck.

      1. Jessen*

        As a follow-up, don’t feel guilty if someone’s method doesn’t work for you! I was frustrated for ages because everyone was raving about Unf*ck your Habitat and the whole 15min at a time system doesn’t really work for me naturally. I eventually found some more useful advice that did help (for me it was “a slob comes clean”), but it was endlessly frustrating to hear everyone talk about this magic book that didn’t work for me and I didn’t know why.

        I did eventually figure out why, by the way – the 15min system for me has to be bounded by not doing things in a way where the task will take more than 15min to complete. So even if its less efficient, it’s better for me to pick up one thing and put it away, than try to round up everything that needs to go somewhere.

        1. Natalie*

          It can also work to just take and leave part of a system – I never strictly did 20/10s, but I did use UFYH’s overall concept of doing certain cleaning tasks daily, cleaning a little bit at a time, prioritizing the grossest or most important stuff, and NO MARATHONS. Doing small, specific cleaning tasks every day made the biggest difference in changing my own expectations and comfort with messiness, so that I was more motivated to spend a little extra time on laundry or whatever.

          1. Lissa*

            Yeah, the one thing I took from FlyLady, which I wasn’t overall that into tone-wise, was when all else fails, clean the kitchen sink! It really helped my mental state around kitchen things. While our place is FAR from perfect I feel like it never gets to the same level of bad that it used to.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              THIIIIIIISSSS

              When the sink is dirty/full of dishes, the entire kitchen feels dirty. Same with the bedroom. I make my bed nearly every day no matter what else I haven’t done.

            2. Seeking Second Childhood*

              I use her webite without emails. It gives a launchpad, daily missions, general reminders, and the babysteps that walk you through to writing your own “control journal.” (And as long as she publishes her oversized wall calendar I’m buying it.)

              I just couldn’t take all the add-on friends with other programs, so no more emails. She freely advises people to take the parts that work for them, so I’m cool with that. And honestly, the days her assignment was to delete old Flylady emails? That was an eyeopener that I was turning into an electronic packrat….good practice deleting something I knew would roll around again.

        2. Roja*

          I’m the same way. I know a lot of people swear by doing a little bit of laundry or cleaning every day, but I can only manage if I do it all in one day. Then I feel like it’s done. If I did it in chunks throughout the week I would never feel like my house was clean or my laundry done.

        3. Dance-y Reagan*

          Hard agree on keeping with it even if someone doesn’t jive with you. It’s a bit like finding a therapist. Don Aslet’s overt Christianity really turned me off, and Fly Lady’s sink schtick was annoying (porcelain doesn’t shine, lady). I ended up using a bit of Kondo, a bit of UFYH, and so on.

    2. ainomiaka*

      In terms of what actually helped-a dog that will eat anything left on the floor. Okay, that’s snarky, but really, making it not about moral standards. Which is actually an important question. Are you trying to be cleaner because you want to, or because you feel you have to? Some of that is because I share a house with my husband-we aren’t fighting over whose version of clean is right, we are trying to still have shoes next week.
      also concur that there are lots of different ways to do it-I prefer something that does a little every day, some people prefer to just clean it all once a week. Neither is better, but if you hate one particular system you won’t do it.

      1. Tris Prior*

        The dog thing is so true. I have been super tidy and good about not leaving stuff out – which does NOT come naturally to me – after adopting two kittens who will lick, eat, break, roll in, or otherwise destroy anything that is lying on any flat surface.

        I changed because the consequence of not changing (i.e., having to wash food off of a kitten because she rolled in it, finding the other one sitting in the dirty instant pot, to give just two examples) was worse.

    3. Madge*

      I’ll add Home-Ec 101 to the list. She’s got a weekly schedule and has frequently fielded letters from people who were overwhelmed by the mess and didn’t know where to start. She hasn’t posted in a while, aside from a couple weekly menu posts, but I still visit her site often.

      Since you’re starting from behind, it’s easy for one task to snowball into an afternoon’s project. For example, your plan is to pull books you don’t want from one bookshelf but you decide to dust and reorganize the whole shelf because it needs that too. Try to stick with the single task as much as possible. You’ll get to the others in time.

    4. GhostWriter*

      Not a messy person personally, but I’ve become more organized and clean–and I’ve seen messy friends become more organized and clean–whenever a big decluttering happens. It’s really hard to stay neat and organized when there’s stuff everywhere and there isn’t enough room or designated spaces to put it.

    5. LGC*

      I’m in that process right now myself.

      So, so far – I did get outside help, and part of what’s helping is to impose a system. (It’s a little bit of 5S, actually.) I’m making SOME progress, but what I’ve noticed the most is that I’m already much more mindful of what I do – if I throw something on the floor, for example.

      I’m hoping to get a lot better in the next few weeks.

    6. Autumnheart*

      Yes.

      I used to be a slob. Then I shared an apartment with a really good friend of mine who turned out to be an EPIC slob, of which legends are still told. He’s a great guy and we’re still friends, but spending a year being constantly surrounded by someone else’s mess flipped my switch such that now I feel aggravated and annoyed when something is messy.

      I went from there to having to live in a very small apartment. The down side was that it took very little clutter to mess the place up, but the up side was that it didn’t take long to clean. I took the rule of “If it hasn’t been used in a year, get rid of it” to heart and cleared out a TON of belongings that were just taking up space, until my place felt sufficiently spacious and organized.

      When I bought a house, I suddenly had oodles of space, but I still try to keep the rule about stuff that hasn’t been used in a year, and the routine I developed in cleaning my previous apartment still works for the house. It does take longer to clean because it’s a bigger space, but as long as I generally put stuff away and clean up after myself as I go, it’s manageable.

    7. fposte*

      Maybe? I’m clean and organized compared to how I used to be, anyway.

      Time helped; my emotions around stuff are different now and this was a gradual process over years. Getting a cleaner helped, because I want to keep stuff picked up enough for cleaning to achieve something. Seeing my elderly neighbor’s house cleaned out after he died helped, because everything he’d treasured went into the dumpster. Marie Kondo helped; a friend doing Marie Kondo at the same time helped.

      My house is therefore reasonably clean and tidy, save in the basement and the room where I have more latitude. For me, the important thing was purging the bottom 50% or so of my stuff so I really, really liked what I was left with, and using that stuff I really liked to contain and define space. I contain charger cords in porcelain teacups, PT tennis balls in mid-century glassware, and my hairbrush in a lovely Scandinavian vase. Because then I get to see them and enjoy them and my random crap isn’t random.

      None of this is true about my desk at work; my other rule is not everything has to be fixed at once, or ever. The goal is improvement, not cure.

      1. AVP*

        I love this! I use cut-glass wedding gifts to hold hair ties and clips, vases for the cough drops I keep on my home desk, and old pryex bakeware to hold…everything. I love looking at them and there’s no way I will ever use enough milk in my coffee to make good use of the many creamer dishes I love.

    8. wingmaster*

      Still working on this, especially with my bedroom. I found the Project 333 to be very helpful in de-cluttering my closet. The general idea of this Project is that you have 33 items (from clothes to accessories) in your closet and you change it up every 3 months. I am a visual person as well, so I like interesting storage layouts.

    9. King Friday XIII*

      I’m a work in progress, so I can tell you what’s the most helpful for me. It seems like the resources that did the best job of meeting me where I was/am and helping me make it just a little better at a time were Dana K White, who has two books but blogs at A Slob Comes Clean, and Unf*ck Your Habitat which was mentioned upthread. I’ve never been diagnosed with ADD but organizing resources aimed at AD(H)D people have tended to work for me as well. When it comes to little tricks and habits to build up, White’s recommendation that you run your dishwasher every day to cut down on “dishes math” has probably been the most helpful single thing.

      When you’re ready for big-picture stuff, I like Marie Kondo and Julie Morgenstern. If you think KonMari is a little too precious, Morgenstern covers a lot of the same high level concepts. I’m still working on what it means to imagine a house filled only with stuff I love or use or both; and also I love a lot of stuff so stricter minimalism is a recipe for disaster and OCD spirals if I’m not careful. If you are up for it, going to the library and browsing literally everything in the 640s that looks relevant will give you an idea of a LOT of systems. Some will seem like an arcane sport, and some hopefully will seem sensible and easy to try. Pick one or two of the latter, read them, try them. Keep what works.

      For me the sacrifices are mostly being willing to get up and Do The Thing even when I’m tired. It’s not a lot of things, usually, but it’s often when I’m at my most tired at the end of the day. So there’s that.

    10. CommonName*

      I’m mid process, but what has really helped is making sure everything has a “spot”. I don’t really follow any one organizing philosophy. I also cut myself a lot of slack and set very small goals. A personality test I had to take for a job told me I was a perfectionist. At the time I thought that was hilariously wrong. But upon reflection, I realized that I am, but rarely started anything because I didn’t want to feel bad about failing by not achieving my perfectionist goals. So instead of planning to clean an entire room, I’ll plan to do one thing, like clear off the top of a dresser.

      My preferred system is having a lot of the IKEA Smala boxes in various sizes and a label maker. Even though the boxes might have things thrown in them, when stacked together in a closet, they look nice. It also makes clean up a lot faster because I can just toss things in the various boxes as I go.

      One thing that has really helped me declutter is my neighborhood’s Buy Nothing group. It’s a national organization, so there might be a local group to you. I am MUCH better about getting rid of things (previously, I’d keep an item if it was in good condition even if we never used it) now that I can give them away instead of tossing. Now, I’m on the vicious end of getting rid of things (Toy requires batteries…doesn’t make it in the house).

      I like to say I clean in short bursts, but really we only clean if we have to. My husband is really good about cleaning the kitchen every night. But we don’t give the house a good clean unless people are coming over. Just this weekend I had the thought that we needed to invite people over so we could clean our house….

      1. PhyllisB*

        This is not about organizing per say but just cleaning/maintaining your house so you don’t get condemned by the Board of Health; one thing that helped me was realizing that dreading/postponing hated chore actually took longer than DOING dreaded chore. I started timing various chores and was amazed at how quickly most of them are done. I can vacuum our whole house in <15 minutes unless it's a day that needs vents cleaned, ect. I can make the bed in like two minutes unless it's sheet changing day, in which case it's 7 minutes. I can fold a load of laundry is <10 minutes and maybe five minutes to put it away The beauty of this is, you don't have to do ALL this on one day unless you really want to. I generally do because I like to get it all done at once and be done with it, but I could vacuum one day, fold laundry another, ect. The idea is to find a system that works for you. However, I still haven't attacked my pile of books/magazines yet. One step at a time.

        1. TootsNYC*

          Seconding this!

          Also, I find it helps to conflate routines. My DH used to empty the dishwasher in the morning while his coffee was brewing.

    11. Book Badger*

      So I’m just going to say: I am NOT clean and organized. But I am cleaner and more organized than I used to be.

      Stuff that helps me:
      * For things that build up quickly (ex: dishes), eliminating steps to do helped. So when I didn’t have a dishwasher, emptying my dirty mug or rinsing my bowl of oatmeal before I put it in the sink in the morning cut down on steps I needed to do when I got home and had to wash them in the evening. Now I’m back in my parents’ house and we have a dishwasher: now I put dishes directly in the washer instead of letting them pile up in the sink. Oh, wait, are there clean dishes taking up room? Well, looks like I’ll have to put all the clean dishes away, wonder how that happened. Related: putting pens back immediately after using them, hanging up clothes after washing them or wearing them (still suck at that), cleaning the kitchen after cooking.
      * Sometimes, to save on wallowing in dirty clothes on my floor, I’d just do a huge load of laundry. Like, just pick up all the clothes on my floor, even if they were still wearable, and do three or four loads of laundry in one go. Then I could sort them out from scratch instead of frittering away time wondering if this shirt was still good or where do these pants go? Also, doing laundry makes me feel accomplished. (Caveat: this never worked for me when I needed to use a laundromat, but in-house laundry was fine)
      * Having a thing I NEEDED to do before I could do a fun thing kicks me into gear. Like, I enjoy baking, but I can’t knead dough on a dirty table. So I have to clean the table. Now I have a purpose!
      * In the same way, using my natural distraction skills against myself. Like, I’m a person who will be cleaning the living room, see the DVDs, and get distracted by organizing the DVDs for an hour instead of substantive cleaning. Okay. So instead what I do is put myself in the kitchen and clean the table. Well, while I’m here, I remember that I need to clean the floor. Okay, I’ll do that. Wait, while I was cleaning the floor, I realized the countertops are gross. So I’ll clean that, too. Then some hours of time have gone by and my naturally flightiness has been used for good instead of evil.
      * Cheating. My mom still fills up a bucket of soapy water and cleans the floor that way – I will cheerfully cheat and use Swiffer instead. I use disinfecting wipes to clean surfaces like tables and counters instead of soap and water. I de-calcify my electric kettle by boiling a mixture of water and lemon juice instead of going in there with a brush. The least amount of effort I need to put in, the easier it is.

      1. Koala dreams*

        I’m also in the process of getting cleaner and more organized. I’m doing things a bit different though.
        *I take 5 minutes each day to clean the kitchen table. It’s great to at least have one table area that’s neat. If I don’t have the time to clean it super-clean in just 5 minutes, no big deal, I get a new chance tomorrow.
        *To give myself treats afterwards doesn’t work for me, instead I give the treat before I do the difficult thing. Eat some candy, then do the dishes. Drink a cup of my favourite tea, then clear the kitchen table.
        *Fold clothes in front of the television. I like watching tv, instead of shaming myself over all the chores I could be doing instead, why not do both at the same time? Win-win!
        *Cheating: There are a lot of youtube videos about chores. I watch them now and then and try to incorporate them if they seem like they make my cleaning easier. Sometimes I learn new tricks. For example, it’s easier to clean the microwave if you microwave a bowl of water, optionally with lemon juice, and then use the rag. The crusty bits become soft and easy to remove from the steam.

        1. TootsNYC*

          I’m not as organized and tidy as I used to be.

          But, back in the day, I had some “friends” on an online forum for Organizing the Home (it’s now part of the Houzz site, and it’s not as good as it was), and I would think of them when I would get back OUT of bed to clear off the dining room table.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Short thoughts… Flylady. HabitHacker. Going through 5S training & implementation at w@&*.
      But most importantly in the middle of all those efforts, I got an ADD diagnosis as an adult. That gave me a framework for figuring out why habits have always been so hard. (I’d been able to trigger the hyperfocus at school & at work… but personal life suffered.)
      I found a group of Flylady fans on social media and we check in with each other on a daily basis. The support and reminders help me a lot. And for whatever reason, it was the 5S mantras that has helped me get across to my other half my need to have us both work to organize our life!

    13. matcha123*

      I started as messy…not slob-level, but lots of clothes on the floor, piles of books, papers, etc.
      Moving into a tiny apartment and getting into a routine are what helped.
      If I were you, I’d start with one thing, make it a habit and build up from there.

      For me, it was folding and putting away my laundry immediately. Then I moved to washing dishes right after I ate. Then it was do a little sweeping every day. Then etc. etc.

      For being more organized, it was the same thing. I could remember everything, but allowing nighttime me to pick my clothes for the next day, organize my purse, etc. helped take the burden of doing all of that in the morning off of my shoulders.

  19. Bob*

    Thanks to everyone for their friendly comments on my first motorway adventures last week! I survived, and as somebody said, it is way easier as its just a straight line pretty much!

    Things I learnt:
    – I have a bit of a lead foot apparently, and if I got distracted for event a moment, I found myself going over the speed limit (whoops)
    – If you dont drive regularly, oh my god my foot started hurting. I like to think the seat was set up as best as it could be, but just holding down the accelerator for so long was no fun. If there was cruise control, I didnt find it :(
    – Strange cars are the worst. At least when I was learning I got used to my instructors car, but figuring out the rental was…an adventure
    – See above re:gears. At the beginning I was wondering why the car sounded so funny until I realised it was probably because I was in 3rd when I meant to be in 1st (oooops!)
    – Roundabouts in unfamiliar places are the worst. This is probably the biggest thing I took from it all. One of my biggest issues when learning was about anticipating/preparing early enough in advance. Not sure if this was also down to the crappy sat-nav which never really gave enough warning, but had a few adventures coming back into the city with being in the wrong lane and having to make last minute lane changes which I did not like! Need to figure out how to improve on that for next time.
    – Apparently I’m quite okay with manoeuvring! And I survived the narrow, narrow streets of my neighbourhood too!

    1. ScotKat*

      Glad it went OK! Like most things, experience really helps, and once you’ve done it a few times you’ll be totally fine. If you have a suitable phone, Google’s navigation is pretty good (if your sat nav isn’t), usually shows which lane you need to be in. I got a TomTom sat nav separately for longer trips and it tells you which exit of the roundabout you need and so on. That’s the bit I need as well, because even though I’ve driven for years, if I’m going somewhere new it’s easy to end up going the wrong way round a roundabout!

      1. Bob*

        I think for me the biggest issue with the sat nav is when it would tell me things? Like, it would give the warning way in advance….and then silence until you’re supposed to be doing the thing!

        Whereas when I was learning, the sat nav used would give you the warning way in advance…and then a little bit closer..and then just before you needed to take action. Still, a good learning that I need to be a bit more aware of my surroundings if I can!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Am giggling about the lead foot. Driving at higher speeds is actually easier than crawling through city traffic. So yeah, the presence of mind slips away on higher speed roads and suddenly I am 10 mph or more over the speed limit.

      Foot hurting. Several things here. Make sure your seat is adjusted for your height/leg length before you start to drive. I have fat feet. So I can rest the side of my foot on the transmission hump and press the gas pedal with my big toe. Lower back support, aka , kidney support also helps with leg fatigue. Additionally, you may find it easier to drive in shoes with thinner soles. I have big heavy winter boots I like to wear, so I wear them out to the car and change into sneaks to drive. Then I put the boots back on when I reach my destination.

      I end up renting cars often enough. I take a minute before leaving the parking lot to adjust the seat and mirrors and make sure I see where the wiper lever is and the turn signal lever. Because car makers seem to have more ways of hiding these things and you cannot find them at 50 mph. It’s only after I rented a dozen cars that it dawned on me I need to do this before pulling out of the parking lot.

      Not a technical person but my cars always seemed to forgive me for being in the wrong gear. They did not forgive me for what I did to that poor clutch though! ha! whoops.

      When I am going some where unfamiliar I google the directions and some times print out pictures of intersections where I need to turn. (We can’t count on cell phone reception here. You can be driving along and suddenly NO PHONE so your directions become useless also. You have to have some working knowledge to salvage the situation.)

      My husband had great advice on navigating a new area. Learn two major N and S routes that will take you back home. And learn two major E and W routes that will take you back home. So if you get lost, you know that if you can work your way to one of those four roads you can eventually get yourself home again. This is an amazing calming tool also!

      1. Bob*

        The foot hurting thing is annoying. When I was learning, I found if I had a long break between lessons, it would come back, so I think its just having my foot in an unfamiliar position for a long time. But as you say, its also always a bit tricky for me. I’m quite small so I need to find the compromise between getting close enough to comfortably reach the pedals, but high enough that I can see over the steering wheel too :D

        And I totally feel you on the set-up before leaving the lot thing. I was worried I was sitting there way too long after being given the keys, but it was raining and the car was fogging up and I was really struggling to figure out why the demister wasnt doing anything until I realised it was because the car needed to be on/moving before it kicked in properly! And then the hand-brake was also quite sticky so I struggled with that for a moment and felt like a complete newbie to be honest.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I hope I can explain this well enough.
          Some seats tilt toward the back of the chair. I notice it because it feels like the seat is swallowing me up. My knees are too high for one thing, but it really hurts my legs, too. And I know if my legs hurt it won’t be long and my feet will hurt.
          Newer cars have a lever between the seat and the door that lifts the back of the seat (the flat part of the chair) UP or down. You might be able to gain comfort by adjusting the seat of the chair as well as the location of the back of the chair.
          If the car does not have a lever to adjust the seat then as small and fairly flat pillow might help.

          Fogging up. Am chuckling. I can see that happening. It’s a learning curve. Be patient with you, each thing you get figured out you won’t have to go back to it again because you got it. But in reality, the best drivers are the ones who say, “I can always learn more about driving.” It’s the know-it-alls that cause real problems. I helped a friend get her license and I said, “Promise yourself that you will spend the rest of your life learning about how to handle a vehicle.” And she is.

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Another defogging suggestion, mentioned because it’s counterintuitive– turn the blower on warm and turn on the AC at the same time. AC dries the air out enough to keep new moisture from forming. Its a trick ive used since having a car in upstate New York but not a covered parking space. VW has started doing this automatically bow in at least some models.

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Good going with the driving!
      Re: the car sounding funny, I doubt you accidentally started in 3rd gear unless you were driving a car with a very powerful engine. I would think most cars would stall if you tried to start driving in 3rd gear — or at the very least, it would accelerate very, very slowly.

      1. Bob*

        Yeah, I think it was more like I’d start in 1st, go to second at some point, then need to slow down again, but instead of getting into 1st, I’d accidentally end up in 3rd? In theory this should stall the car, but this is also where my bad habit of abusing the clutch comes in..

        Even I’m not sure how I did that but eventually I just made a mental note that 1st needs MORE LEFT when shifting and that made things a lot better!

    4. Boo Hoo*

      If your foot hurt then your seat was not in fact in the right position, you likely needed to be a bit closer. Driving once or daily it should never hurt.

    5. Anono-me*

      You might want to look into getting some driving shoes. I really love mine. They are light weight slipper type shoes with a very weird soles that look like just the bumpy part of an athletic shoe sole.

      Also, it sounds like you are
      mostly driving in the city or highways. I find it easier to drive an automatic than a stick in unfamiliar paved areas. You may want to keep that in mind when renting a vehicle or if you are lucky enough to have several borrowing options.

      If you are somewhere that has lots of sticks and you rent or borrow a stick vehicle; here are a two things you may want to keep in mind.

      1st gear on a 5 speed and Reverse on a standard H are in appropriately the same spot. This can lead to making the person behind you at the stop sign nervous if you forget that you are driving a standard H.

      If you are borrowing a stick vehicle that is used for work/farm/offroading, it is a good idea to ask if it has been geared down and if so, what gear to start in.

    6. Koala dreams*

      I feel you on the roundabouts! Sometimes I go around the entire roundabout just because I missed my exit. It will get better… I hope!

    7. TootsNYC*

      I hear you on unfamiliar roundabouts. However, one thing I like about them is that it is totally OK to just keep going around and around until you figure it out and feel more comfortable.

    8. Business Librarian*

      Most cars also have cruise control. I use it for highway driving all the time to keep my lead foot from getting me into trouble. You just tap the brake pedal to disengage it. It might also help with the foot pain.

  20. GreenRibbon*

    I live in the area where three Girl Scouts and an adult were killed in a hit and run last Saturday. It’s difficult to put into words how this impacted the community. At the same time as being shocked and devastated, the support has been enormous – locally, across the state, country, and even world.

    This afternoon you might see Girl Scouts out participating in a service project or gathering together, as a group effort/vigil.

    I’m so moved by all of this…….the compassion by others and the fierce bond of the Girl Scouts.

    Curious if anyone else who was a prior Girl Scout or is currently involved in the program is taking part in this.

    1. CAA*

      I was a GS all through school, and then I was a leader for 13 years. I hadn’t heard about the accident and I’m so sorry.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      I heard about that and it just wrecked me. My Doctor Who group adopted a street near the lake and I worry about it all the time, especially when on the bridge. I always put my phone in my pocket just in case.

      I was a Girl Scout, through Juniors. When we got to Cadettes, all the girls in my class lost interest so we didn’t have a troop anymore, boo. I still have my sash with all the badges and pins. :)

    3. Monty and Millie's Mom*

      We are neighbors! I also live in the area. I’m so proud of the community rallying around the families and the girl who survived, and the rest of the troop, too, but I’m so sad that this happened. Keep on keeping on, neighbor!

  21. KLChica*

    Baby update!
    Thank you for the advice about having my first baby. You may recall that I was five days overdue when i last posted. One of the providers in the OB office was pressuring me to induce but I wanted to hold off. I went for non stress tests and an ultrasound when I was 7 days overdue and the baby looked GREAT. The provider we met with that day was a different one and she was actually willing to let us go to 42 weeks before she would ask us to induce. (I’m not sure why they have a different philosophy in the same practice but I was grateful for her flexibility). To be honest, I was starting to feel uncomfortable physically and also impatient at that point. I requested to be induced at 41 weeks 5 days, which fell on a Saturday. The practice doesn’t do inductions on weekends, so we bumped it up to the day before. I would need to check into the hospital on Thursday 9/27 and start the process, with the official induction with pitocin, on Friday 9/28. I made my peace with it and the next few days were great. I got together with friends, spent time with my husband and relaxed and repacked my hospital bag. We went for a last date night on Wednesday 9/26 and then…I went into labor that night!!!! We headed to the hospital around 11 am 9/27 with our doula.
    So I didn’t need to be induced after all. I was so relieved. AND the doctor who delivered her was that same nice and patient woman who had agreed to let us push back the induction date. (She was on call)
    The baby was born early Friday morning 9/28. She was 6 lbs 14 oz and had a FULL head of hair!!! We named her Rowan Olivia. I labored naturally for a long time and tried pushing (and I TRIED)!but the baby just wasn’t descending so we ended up with a csection. Come to find out she had the cord wrapped around her neck twice and there was meconiun present, so the csection was the best decision for us. I am not upset about the experience. Rather I am really happy to have a healthy baby who arrived safely!! And the staff at the hospital was great throughout our stay. Thanks to all who posted with tips about what to bring.

    Parenting has been an adjustment! We are 30 and 31 yrs old and we were used to freedom and being able to come and go easily. Haha. It’s not that way anymore and sleep is a precious commodity. I also struggled with breastfeeding at first, (I sought help from a Lactation consultant and now at 6 weeks pp Its much easier).
    I honestly didn’t expect to feel so strongly about my baby.. and I didn’t expect to love being a mom this much, but I do!
    So thanks again, everyone! Now to experience the “4th trimester” and figure out this parenting thing!

    I would ask that this not become a debate like last time regarding induction, pitocin and other interventions, and c-section vs vaginal birth. Please respect that! I would like positive comments only ….and to keep the thread on topic. otherwise, please keep scrolling.

    1. KLChica*

      I forgot to say that the baby arrived 11 days late!!!! Everyone and their brother was texting, calling, and posting the same thing on my social media. “Baby?” “Did you have the baby yet?” “Where’s the baby?” It got to be so annoying that I stopped responding to any communication like maybe when I was 7 or 8 days late. And I savored the time in the hospital and only told close family and friends when she was born. Then I posted way later.
      My husband said he was on the receiving end of some comments at work, also, when I was overdue and it got to be a little annoying. :)

      I learned my lesson for next time!!! Do not share your due date with anyone! Haha. I’m going to only say the month next time when people ask….

      1. LizB*

        I have a good friend who’s currently 6-7 days overdue. She posts on Facebook pretty much daily to try and keep people from texting her, usually something like “Baby update: nope!”. (Actually I haven’t seen an update today, so who knows, maybe there’s a baby!)

    2. Forking great username*

      Congratulations!! Minus the being past the due date part (my son was right on role), this sounds similar to my labor. Long and ending with an c-section, but the choice for me and baby. And a happy ending =)

      Take lots of pictures of the tiny newborn stage – it doesn’t last long! And again, big congrats to you and your family of three!

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Those goofy little kits to imprint fans and toes really are worth it… I treasure the baby handprints.

    4. Foreign Octopus*

      How wonderful! Congratulations on everything, and I’m so glad that you’re all happy and healthy.

      Rowan Olivia is a gorgeous name :)

    5. Sled dog mama*

      Congrats!
      I was 4 days late with my second (and 4 early with the first) so I totally understand about the questions once you are past the due date. My first came before her due date and I had already tired of the endless stream of “ no baby yet?” To the point that when some poor soul at work asked (in person so they could clearly see the belly) and I replied that the baby had actually arrived the previous night and I shoved her back in and told her to wait a day because mommy has an important project to finish tomorrow at work. Nobody asked after that and four years later I’m still very ashamed of my reaction.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      I had induction followed by a C-section (and lots of merconium) and felt good about it! Totally normal reaction.

      Glad you asked a lactation consultant. There are so many tiny adjustments, like ‘hold your elbow 3 inches higher,’ that really aren’t evident if you are looking at a diagram but can make a big difference.

      If you or husband are of a scientific bent I recommend Alison Gopnick’s books–researcher in child development and philosophy. Interesting window into what is going on in the baby’s head, and it can make the “lima bean” period more interesting.

    7. Ranon*

      Yay! Congrats on your new kiddo!

      The good news about the whole parenting thing is after the early days where it feels like you need to learn all the things you mostly only need to pick up one or two skills at a time- e.g. at three months you don’t need to be ready to parent a teenager, or even a two year old- there’s plenty of time to figure things out even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Sounds like you’re rocking it!

    8. Vic tower*

      Congratulations! Wonderful news
      I was hoping for an update, so glad you wrote in. Great name choice BTW. I hope all goes well with the adjustment. I’m in my 30s and planning to get pregnant in 2019 and it’s always nice to hear how different people experience this huge change

      1. KLChica*

        Thank you! Vic tower. I was actually wondering if anyone would remember the post from September and be interested to have an update. Lol.
        I’m glad we waited til now for the baby stuff cause my husband and I got some good years just the two of us and we have lots of memories. But I am happy that we have the baby now and life is good. People say that you should do it in your 20s cause you’ll have more energy but I think I will remember the years of just us with a lot of happiness. And I have energy still, and patience. (Although I’m still on maternity leave…so…haha)
        If I’m being 100% honest I did feel a tiny twinge of grief for our past life but I think that’s normal! I loved being able to make spontaneous plans, run errands quickly, sleep a good amount of hours, stay out late, not have to worry about pumping (if I leave the baby for an extended period), etc. but I got over it really quickly.
        Good luck for conceiving!!! Just go for it! It’s an adventure (having a child) and you’ll love it (I think most people do..that’s why they keep having kids haha).

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          In their teenage years my brother-in-law woke his kids up strictly as payback for all the times they woke him up at the crack of dawn as toddlers.

    11. LilySparrow*

      Congratulations and blessings on all of you!

      Aren’t lactation consultant marvelous? I wasn’t able to take advantage of the one in the hospital, because I didn’t know enough yet to realize there was a problem. I had to work with one privately, and she worked miracles. I’m so happy things are going well for you!

    12. Elizabeth West*

      Congrats! My friend just had a baby girl. She’s still in the NICU and Friend has been reading Pippi Longstocking (a favorite book) to her. This made me want to read it again too. My favorite part is when Pippi goes to the coffee party and keeps telling increasingly outrageous stories about her grandmother’s servant Malin. LOL.

    13. It’s all good*

      Congratulations! Welcome Rowan Olivia! We were married for 7.5 years before we had our first at 30, totally remember where you are coming from in all aspects. Some days are harder than the day before but also more rewarding than the day before! (Also if you are feeling out of sorts, please get screened for post partum depression, it can happen to anyone and help is out there!)

    15. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Congratulations!

      Re: csection critics. If you get it, you can stop them cold. You didn’t choose it frivolously, and it saved your child’s life. Cord around neck is deadly! If that doesn’t stop a critic, I wouldn’t be inviting THAT person back.

      Enjoy the new love of your life. I wasn’t baby-crazy until I met my daughter, so I know exactly what you mean.

      1. Observer*

        You didn’t choose it frivolously, and it saved your child’s life. Cord around neck is deadly! If that doesn’t stop a critic, I wouldn’t be inviting THAT person back.

        Seriously!

        It is most definitely true that there are a lot of unnecessary c-sections. But even when a c-section actually was not required, it’s waaaay out of line to criticize a mother for it. When it’s a case like this, it’s just beyond ridiculous.

        C-sections can literally be the difference between life and death. That’s not an exaggeration. And this was the case for you. So, yes, if anyone gives you any sort of flak ask them straight out if they think it wouldhave been better to let your child die.

  22. Need mascara recommendations*

    It’s funny, I was going to post this today and ran into a comment that also mentioned mascara. I hate mascara but if I’m going to wear makeup, which I do to “that place that shall not be mentioned,” it’s a necessary evil. Any recommendations? I’d be fine with drugstore brands. What I don’t like about mascara is that it gets hard when it dries, and it doesn’t seem to actually do much. I don’t need crazy long lashes, as I’m in my 60s, but if I’m going to go to the trouble of putting it on (and taking it off), it should at least look like I’m wearing it. I’m currently using Maybelline Total Temptation which is billed as a “soft mascara” and it doesn’t get hard but it also doesn’t do much. I know that “makeup artists use Maybelline Great Lash” but it does nothing for me. I used to like Bobbi Brown mascara but last time I bought it I think they’ve changed the formula. Any and all suggestions appreciated! Thanks.

    1. Nerdgal*

      I like soft mascara for its easiness of removal but I live in a humid climate and always got raccoon eyes by the end of the day. So I switched to Cover Girl Clump Crusher Aquaresistant. It doesn’t clump or run and comes off fairly easily. Like you, I am in my 60s and don’t like to wear a lot of makeup, but my eyelashes are invisible. My lashes do get a little stiff with this product but they dont look stiff and they get soft again when I wash my face.

    3. Boo Hoo*

      Toss your mascara at the latest when it is three months old. That will help with it getting hard and flakey and also you don’t want to use it on your eyes after that as it has so much bacteria in it by then.

      I like Dior Show, it is long rated one of the best out there. Also YSL. I don’t know about drug store brands however.

    4. Dr. Anonymous*

      My only suggestion is to consider giving yourself permission not to wear mascara. I wear makeup without mascara because I have tried so many and they make my eyes itch. And I really look fine, blonde eyelashes and all. Wear a little eyeliner if you like (or not; I don’t), do The Other Makeo Things, and be fabulous.

    5. HarrietJ*

      Have you ever tried getting your eyelashes dyed? I do it every 3-4 months. In my area it costs about $25, so its more expensive than drug store mascara, but a lot less hassle.
      If you have light lashes it is great – you wake up and look like you have already put on mascara. If you are used to more dramatic make-up it won’t be enough.

        1. HarrietJ*

          The key is finding a person who really knows what they are doing. You just close your eyes while the expert puts absorbent cloth under your lower lashes and applies the dye to both upper & lower lashes. I had one bad experience when some of the dye leaked and it took a while to rinse it out of my eye. I go to a very reputable salon where one woman specializes in dying lashes.

    6. ElspethGC*

      The mascaras I use are Stila Huge Extreme Lash (not what you’re looking for – it basically looks like I’m wearing falsies and is my holy grail product), L’Oreal Paradise (doesn’t make your lashes particularly clumpy or hard but might look too bold for your liking), Essence Volume Stylist 18h Lash Extension (pretty damn good and also only £3) and Max Factor False Lash Epic (not as intimidating as the name sounds, doesn’t really lengthen but does define). In my defence, two of those four (#s 1 and 4) were freebies. I also have a tiny sample tube of Dior Pump n Volume, which is super nice, but I wouldn’t pay Dior prices when I could pay Essence or L’Oreal prices!

      Out of those, I’d probably recommend Max Factor – I’m wearing it now and poking at my lashes and they don’t feel particularly hard, although I’m not sure what you would class as a ‘soft’ mascara. It’s definitely softer than the others. I’d also recommend digging around the options from Essence – they have a lot of different options for not very much money.

    7. Not A Manager*

      I need to curl my lashes before mascara shows up at all. You can buy a decent curler at the drugstore, or if you want to, try the Shu Umura brand online. They’re really good curlers.

      The other thing I do is use a lash primer before I put on mascara. I like the Clinique brand – you can get it at Sephora and other beauty retailers, and also at department stores. Put a thin layer of the primer on your curled lashes, and then put the mascara over. Don’t let the primer dry first.

    8. Kat in VA*

      Maybelline Full n’ Soft is billed as a soft mascara. It won’t give you tons of oomphy volume and length, but it’s a good all around mascara that doesn’t take a jackhammer and an Act of God to remove, either.

      1. Ron McDon*

        I used to love this mascara, and it did indeed leave my lashes full and soft, but they don’t seem to sell it in the uk any more *sad face*.

    9. Ingrid*

      I love the mineral mascara “Vatn” by Idun because it is water proof to 39 degrees celcius (or something close to that) which means that I don’t have to worry about it running in rain or when I’m crying or swimming and at the end of the day I can simply remove it by using hot water :)

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        How is it for flaking over the course of the day, and if you forget & rub your eyes? If my eyes itch, I don’t even realize until it’s too late that I’ve rubbed them. And any flakes of anything make them itch.

    10. Drago Cucina*

      My go-to mascara is L’Oréal Paris Double Extend Beauty Tubes. I’m 60 and don’t like anything heavy on my eyelashes. I need it to show, but not look like I’m going to the club. My only caution is don’t freak out when you clean off your makeup. It looks like your lashes are coming off, but they aren’t. It’s just the tubes.

      1. Ron McDon*

        Rimmel London volume shake mascara is good – it gives a nice natural fanned out eyelash look, they do a waterproof version which doesn’t smudge or run, and you shake the product up and down to keep it runny so it doesn’t get all dry and clumpy.

        Unfortunately most mascaras dry very ‘dry’ in my experience.

    12. MissDisplaced*

      It can be hard to find, but they actually make clear mascara!
      I love it because I don’t need the mascara to color my natural dark lashes, but more to hold the shape & define. I find clear mascara gives a more natural look too.

    13. coffee addict*

      super late to the game here, but mascara is totally one of those things that wears differently person to person. A few that work for me for fluffy, light lashes are L’Oreal Lash Paradise and Maybelline Volum’Express The Falsies. Other more high-end mascaras that I use as well are Too Faced Better Than Sex and Benefit They’re Real. Overall, I’d totally recommend going to Sephora and working with one of the employees to try some different ones in-store to see what you like best.

  23. Lcsa99*

    Ok, so I am not sure if this should have been in the friday thread since its about work clothes but not really work, but here goes…

    I have to report for federal jury duty on Tuesday, and I am not sure what to wear! My office is pretty casual, so I usually wear slacks and nice (but cotton) tank tops because I really run hot. But the instructions say no tank tops. I have some nicer tank tops I can wear, but all my tops are sleeveless. Will that be ok? I don’t want to get in trouble or make them think I don’t respect the system. But I don’t really own anything else except long sleeve sweaters for snowy days!

    1. Waiting for the Sun*

      You have absolutely no shirts with sleeves? I would get one to have on hand for occasions like this.

      1. Lcsa99*

        I hate the way I look in short sleeves because my arms are huge, and while i do have long sleeves, i only wear them in really cold weather. If i try to wear them indoors I’ll spend the whole day sweating (even this time of year).

        I honestly don’t want to buy a new shirt just for jury duty if I can get away with a nice sleeveless blouse.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          Keep in mind that there’s a big difference between “sleeveless blouse” and “tank top.” I think a nice sleeveless blouse will not be noticed, based on my previous experience. A spaghetti-strap tank top or ribbed undershirt-type tank top, which I don’t think this OP is referencing…maybe not.

          I wonder if the sartorial standard for jury duty varies depending on area of the US? That’s not to dismiss other comments at all; I’m just curious. In NYC, it seems like everything goes for jury duty. I’ve served three times (county twice, Federal once) and in all three instances, I was kind of astonished by what people wore to court.

      1. Red Reader*

        Target too, usually pretty inexpensive. Or even a solid-colored v-neck t-shirt, usually just like $7-8.

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I served Federal jury duty in Brooklyn a few years ago and I remember being very surprised by how dressed down some people were. Like, stained jeans and beat-up sneakers dressed down. My feeling would be to wear the nicest sleeveless top you have that covers as much of your shoulders as possible, a nice pair of slacks, and shoes that are presentable, and you should be fine. (Fair warning: This comment is coming from a man.)

      1. CAA*

        They publish a similar dress code here too (I’m in the opposite corner of the country from you) and many people either ignore it or don’t notice it on the jury summons. I’ve even seen people show up in shorts and flip flops, which is acceptable attire at many casual offices, but definitely doesn’t meet the jury duty dress code. However, I have never seen them enforce the dress code. The last jury I was on took 5 weeks, and I will admit that by the end, even my own standards had slipped a bit to the point where I was wearing my nice jeans.

    4. Nerdgal*

      Do you have (or can you borrow) any scarves? You could cover your shoulders if they ask you to, or stash it in your purse if not needed.

      1. Lcsa99*

        Ugh. Yeah, I have a few shawls for dressy occasions. Might look ridiculous, but I guess that’s an option.

    6. LoTR Fan*

      I’m a little confused by your use of “tank top” and “blouse” seemingly interchangeably in this thread. Those are two totally different things! When you say “nice sleeveless blouse, most people will think of something like this: https://www.loft.com/tops-short-sleeve/cat1730030 and for “cotton tank top” people will think of this: https://www.walmart.com/browse/clothing/womens-tank-tops/5438_133162_2290732_1199500.

      Since you say you are wearing a “nice” tank top with SLACKS, I can’t imagine it is at all like the example I gave, which is almost definitely what the notice says isn’t allowed! I imagine you are wearing something more professional which would be appropriate for jury duty. If not though, you may want to reconsider your work wardrobe! If things like slacks are the norm at your place of work and you are pairing them with that kind of cotton tank top, I bet there are several people thinking in their head that you aren’t dressed appropriately.

      1. Lcsa99*

        No those aren’t really what I am talking about. Those are all short leave shirts. I consider something a “blouse” if it has nicer fabric like this one:

        https://www.lanebryant.com/chiffon-trim-shell/prd-351457?ref_page=search#color/0000009320

        Most of my cotton tanks for work are like this (exactly these, actually):

        https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B01F2P4NG4?psc=1&ref=yo_pop_mb_pd_title

        They both work with slacks but the second just happens to be cotton, so I don’t think it’s nice enough for this.

        1. fposte*

          I wouldn’t wear those on their own to a place that’s said “No tank tops.” Umpteenthing the advice to hit Target, Penney’s, Walmart, or thrift for an inexpensive lightweight cardigan–it can be open-weave with no buttons, even.

          1. Observer*

            I don’t think it’s necessary. I don’t think EITHER really qualifies as a tank top. But, I’d suggest avoiding the cotton one and using the one with nicer material. (And yes, stash a shawl in your purse.)

        2. Buffay the Vampire Layer*

          You’re totally fine wearing those tops. The Court does not want to make you buy anything new for jury duty. It’s not a church.

          Attorneys have to be dressed more formally, but no one expects those rules to apply to jurors. I, an attorney whose practice is mostly federal, have personally been in court, been hot and put my blazer on the back of my chair, exposing a sleeveless shell or dress. Better than sweating and no one batted an eye.

    8. Dr. Anonymous*

      I would hit the thrift stores and get one oversized short-sleeved button-up shirt and wear it every day, open over your sleeveless shirts as it it were a happy little summer cardigan.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I know if you go into prisons in my state they don’t want people with bare shoulders. This might be what the court is saying no bare shoulders.

      You can call the court and ask if sleeveless dress tops are okay.

      Or you can just pick up a short sleeved shirt or sweater at a second hand store to have ready if you need it.
      I would get something in a neutral color that would go well over most tank tops.

    10. Extra Vitamins*

      I would get some kind of cardigan- looking thing to throw over. I know you said you run hot, but the one time I was on a jury the courthouse was approximately 40F the whole time. Something from a thrift store as suggested should be fine. Pretty much anything without swear words printed on it should be fine. My fellow jury members wore everything from a blazer to multiple frayed plaid shirts.

      1. Chaordic One*

        You are so right about courthouses being cold. I accompanied a relative to court to show support for her, since other members of the family couldn’t be there. The court room was freezing. Colder than the hallways. I ended up wearing layers including a knit shirt, a cotton shirt over that, a sweater and then a blazer and I was freezing the whole time. There was a paralegal there who had a quilt that she wore over her lap and there were other people with their winter coats over their laps. (This was a couple of weeks ago, during otherwise pleasant autumn weather where it was approximately 50 degrees outside.)

    11. Hannah*

      What is the worst that can happen, they throw you out?

      Just wear your nicest top you got and if that’s not good enough for them…they can stick it!

      At least that’s my feeling. It’s not like they are paying you! You don’t need to impress them.

      1. fposte*

        Well, it is the court. They don’t have to stick it. They can require you to come back appropriately dressed or consider you to be evading jury duty and issue a bench warrant for you.

      2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        You do want to be respectful. Not just to The Law, but to the victims, the criminals, the falsely accused, all the people who are also in court involuntarily, but with much more important consequences.

        1. Buffay the Vampire Layer*

          A sleeveless blouse and slacks is perfectly respectful. The dress code is in place so people don’t show up from a shift on the docks reeking of fish or whatever. It’s not there to intimidate blue collar workers, students, stay at home moms, or anyone else who might not already own a full formal wardrobe.

      3. Boo Hoo*

        Ya that mentality is not ideal. They can punish you legally as they see fit with that attitude. Also, if they make her leave she will just have to reserve. I passed out and was taken to the hospital by ambulance during jury duty and they just said, as I was being wheeled out, “so when can you reserve”?

    12. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      What about a lightweight cotton blazer or one of those “kimono” things that are sort of like a light shawl with sleeves?

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      If you’re just going to report for initial selection, wear your sleeveless top and ask them. “This is my standard work wardrobe, is this too close to a tank top for court if I get selected?”

      If they say it’s not enough coverage visit a GoodWill in a nearby Hoity-Toity Neighborhood… Donations are likely to be sold by the store where they are dropped off, so location can lead to better garments for same price structure.

      (I graduated college during a recession, does it show? LOL!)

      1. Wishing You Well*

        I’ve heard some judges are more demanding than others about what jurists wear. Does anyone know if a judge can issue a “contempt of court” against a jurist for inappropriate dress?

  24. temporarily de-lurking*

    Does anyone here ever feel like no one listens to you? I’ll be talking to someone, having a normal conversation (I thought!) with back and forth and then they’ll say something that makes it very clear they haven’t been listening to anything I’ve said.

    For example:
    Me: Oh man, my ice maker is annoying. Even though I *never* use the crushed ice setting, every time I get ice, it crushes at least 2 or 3 ice cubes and little bits of ice end up everywhere.
    Sister: Eh, it’s probably just left over ice from when you used the crushed ice setting.
    Me: … I never use the crushed ice setting.
    Sister: Oh, huh. That’s weird!

    Me: I found this really beautiful heart shaped Celtic knot pattern. I’m thinking about trying to get it onto the invitations.
    Brother-in-Law: Well, for the issue of trying to get it onto your dress, you could ask Sister-in-Law; she has a sewing machine that I think you can input patterns in to.
    Me: ….Oh, interesting, but I don’t want it on my dress, just the invites…

    Me: So, Spouse’s math degree is going well—lots of homework, but they’ve really been enjoying the challenge!
    Dad: What’re they going to do with a history degree anyway? Are they planning to teach?
    Me: Oh, no, they’re getting a degree in math. As for what they want to do with it, they’re not 100% sure yet, although definitely no teaching! Fortunately, we’ve still got at least a year to figure things out!
    5 minutes of conversation later, Dad: It’s crazy that they’re getting a history degree. Teaching really just doesn’t pay very much.

    It’s like people listen to me enough to pick up on the general topic we’re discussing, but can’t be bothered to actually listen to what I’m saying. It happens so often, and it’s so frustrating, that I’ve mostly just stopped talking. I’ll ask questions, or make general, “Hmm, interesting!” noises, but if no one’s going to listen to what I say anyway, I just don’t see the point in trying to contribute to the conversation.

    Has anyone else ever dealt with this? Did you ever figure out a solution?

    1. The Other Dawn*

      To be honest, I do this sometimes. For me it’s that I either miss a word or two (maybe something distracted me or I just didn’t hear those words) or I lose focus for a moment. I admit that I struggle with maintaining focus when someone is telling me a story, or is relaying details that I might find mundane, so that makes me not the best listener sometimes.

      But I’ve been in your position, too, and it’s definitely annoying. I just try to remember that what’s important or exciting or interesting to me, probably isn’t as much for the listener.

      From the examples you mentioned here, I see it more on the scale of a minor annoyance and it happens. The listener has the gist of it, but they missed a detail.

      1. temporarily de-lurking*

        It’s true that on a case-by-case basis it’s just a minor annoyance, and I’m sure I’ve done it to others on occasion. I guess my problem is that it happens so often. I tried to use brief examples to avoid walls of text, but it happens with nearly every conversation I have, whether it’s a casual chat or a serious discussion or trying to make plans with someone (where the nitty-gritty details are kind of the whole point of the conversation). Since it happens so often, in so many different conversations, I feel like the only common denominator is me–like I’m not speaking the same language as everyone else, and no amount of trying to speak more clearly, simpler, or more straightforwardly makes any difference.

        1. Lissa*

          I think this is a good way to look at it – if you think that this happens to you more than to other people, there’s a few possibilities. One is that you perceive it more – the other is that you’re doing something conversationally that might encourage other people’s bad habits. (I’ve seen this topic come up before and often the conclusion seems to be “everyone sucks but me” which … can feel good but not useful!)

          Is there somebody you could ask to see if your communication style is hard for them to understand in some way? Also, lots of the examples you gave are family – maybe your family has a “style” of communication that totally doesn’t mesh with you, so you’re always at odds. I have a couple coworkers like this, where it’s like – we just DO NOT mesh well conversationally! Have you ever found a group of people where this doesn’t happen with? I think collecting more information might be a good step here.

          1. temporarily de-lurking*

            You have a good point about family. I’m not a particularly social creature, so yeah, a disproportionate amount of my experience with this comes from them. I’ve always been the black sheep of my family, so I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that it’s possible good communication is just never gonna work with them.

            The one person I found who has always listened to (and understood!) me is my spouse. They’ve been quite busy with working and going to school full time; so I suppose it makes a lot of sense that this is really starting to bother me now, because what little socializing I do is much more likely to be with my family, exacerbating the feeling of never being listened to.

            1. LilySparrow*

              Any chance there are some hereditary brain function issues in the family? Like undiagnosed ADHD, or auditory processing? Or maybe just different processing styles, that are not disordered but just very different than you?

              I am very auditory/verbal. Like you, I care about using accurate words to express myself.

              I once watched a movie with two friends – one extremely empathetic and the other highly visual. They spent the whole movie (a period costume drama) narrating their experience – one was constantly reacting to the costumes and sets, and how the changes showed the character’s change in fortunes or their intent for the scene. The other was constantly reacting to the relationships and emotional reactions between the characters, and how that impacted them.

              I was about to go crazy because I couldn’t hear the dialogue, so I had no idea what was going on! They didn’t hear a word of dialogue either, but seemed quite content with their experience of the movie and felt they completely understood the plot.

              TL;dr: People are bafflingly different.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I do this too–and then make an idiot out of myself by re-asking a question i already asked, especially during a long conversation. I was listening; I just forgot I already asked you!

    2. Helpful*

      You might be one of the detailed conversationalists, vs. “Bottom Line Up-Front” people. Try starting with your main point so your listeners know what to grab onto. I know some people who confuse me with their conversation style, as in I don’t know what they are talking about and it causes me to interrupt to clarify. Perhaps the amount of words coming out of your mouth confound your main point.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Take it situation by situation rather than just shutting down.

      Sometimes I notice there are people who do not do well with some topics. When I was working on my house that was a big chunk of my day and my life, so I talked about house repair. I could see some eyes glaze over. I decided not to talk about repairs with those people.

      Other times setting is a factor. I know for me, if I am cooking a big meal for a bunch of people that is not a good time to tell me about other stuff. I am too one track focused to really concentrate.

      OTH, in the dad example, if I mention spouse again and he remembers it’s math not history then all is forgiven, we are better now. Some folks because of their value in my life get a free pass over and over and over…..

      All your examples are family members. It could be that your family has a habit of not really listening to each other. I would make an effort to observe how others are treated.

      Sometimes stuff like this can be fixed by joking about it. “Dad. Spouse is taking math not history. Did I mention there was going to be a listening test at the end of this conversation? I am going to ask questions to see how closely you were listening to me.”

      I have seen many instances of your first example about the ice maker. I concluded that this is the type response I get when the person has no idea what to do to fix my problem and I need to find someone else to discuss it with. I separate that example out of the group because it happens often enough in life that it’s good to recognize what it is. It’s a way of saying, “Talk to someone else because I am clueless.” You can get these responses at work or from friends also.

      In short I vote for watching what topics individuals relate to and watching the setting surrounding the conversation. Indeed, there are some people who will never talk with you about “your stuff” and if you watch you will see they treat others the same. So as you trouble shoot this problem, toss out the people who only focus on their stuff they are not a good gauge to go by. Look at the people who seem to be interested in your life from time to time.

    4. Anon right this moment*

      Yes, but I don’t have a solution unfortunately.

      Friend: How is Hobby going?
      Me: Unfortunately I had to take a break due to Nasty Injury a few months ago, can’t go back to Hobby for several months.
      Friend: Oh. Did you go to Hobby Event last week? I heard they had live music.
      Me: Uh, no. Injury. Haven’t done it for months, doctor says I can’t do Hobby until next year at the earliest.
      Friend, not three days later: Hey, are you going to Advanced Hobby Event this weekend?
      Me: Nnnnoooooo…Injury…remember?
      Friend: Oh…okay…

      As near as I can tell it’s more a problem with other people than with you – they are listening to *tone* rather than content, so when they hear an agreeable *tone* they assume that you have just confirmed whatever incorrect assumption was in their head, and their expectation is that if they are wrong, you would react more negatively or more forcefully or something, even when it’s something not worth arguing or getting upset about. They personally get fired up about a bunch of trivial crap being wrong (I have also been guilty of Someone Is Wrong On The Internet, so I understand to some extent), and they assume other people are also like that.

      Like I said, I don’t actually have a solution. :/ My only solution is to find the handful of people in my life who DO listen for content and hang out with them more often, which is obviously not 100% helpful all the time.

      1. temporarily de-lurking*

        Thanks. I hadn’t thought of it in terms of tone–I’m occasionally weird about words and can spend all my focus on word choice, definitions, and literal meanings. I feel like that should make me easier to understand (how many advice sites say, “Use your words!”) but if I’m communicating with more empathic (or emotional *cough*family*cough*) people, it makes sense that they might be focusing more on tone and emotional displays rather than what I’m actually saying.

    5. Rhymes with Mitochondria*

      Any chance you’re a “low talker” without much volume? Or that you mumble?
      My husband does this – but only on the phone. He used to always blame the other person, blame the phone, etc.
      Until one day I took video of him talking to his mom on the phone and he could hear for himself how he drops volume and even tone when he talks on the phone. Now he’s more aware and tries to use his regular voice on the phone and – surprise! – the problem went away!

      1. temporarily de-lurking*

        Haha, I do kind of wish this was the issue. According to my spouse, I am actually almost always way too loud. My spouse says my family are the loudest people they’ve ever met. And tying that in with some points people have made above, it makes a surprising amount of sense that I’m loud too. Bad habits from family, but also acting (stereotypically) American–people aren’t listening to me, maybe if I just TALK LOUDER people will start understanding me, lol.

      2. Jennifer Thneed*

        My wife does that, usually but not always on the phone. She just kind of trails off her volume, while still speaking. (It’s habit, not hearing issues.) I tried to point it out, mostly unsuccessfully, until she noticed that her mother does it with her, and how annoying it is. It’s better now. :)

    6. temporarily de-lurking*

      Thanks for your advice, everyone. <3
      I've got a few things to think about and a few techniques to try.

      1. Jennifer Thneed*

        Suggestion to you: shorter sentences. Introduce your topic strongly and plainly, let the other person respond, then give more info. Make it more of a back-and-forth than a paragraph of ideas. Leave that for your writing. (And don’t try to converse with people who are watching tv, even if they try to converse with you.)

        I make this suggestion because I have a similar problem with my wife, where she loads too much information up front. Books can have sentences written this way, but speaking this way is hard on the listener, especially if there’s a lot of sort of introductory information, and especially if your listener has some attention deficit (like me). And of course hearing loss can factor in too, if your parents are over 50.

        An example: Instead of this:
        “Oh man, my ice maker is annoying. Even though I *never* use the crushed ice setting, every time I get ice, it crushes at least 2 or 3 ice cubes and little bits of ice end up everywhere.”

        Try this:
        “Oh, my ice maker is really messing up.” And there you stop. Give the other person a chance to show interest (or even that they’re paying attention). If they ask what’s wrong, then you say, “It keeps giving me crushed ice. I never use that setting!” And if they respond sympathetically, you continue with “I want ice cubes and instead I get little chips of ice everywhere, and they melt on the floor. So annoying.”

        Another example. Instead of this:
        Me: So, Spouse’s math degree is going well—lots of homework, but they’ve really been enjoying the challenge!
        Dad: What’re they going to do with a history degree anyway? Are they planning to teach?
        Me: Oh, no, they’re getting a degree in math. As for what they want to do with it, they’re not 100% sure yet, although definitely no teaching! Fortunately, we’ve still got at least a year to figure things out!

        Try this:
        “Spouse is really enjoying their classes. They say the homework is a good challenge.” (Notice how there’s only 1 piece of info here: classes.)
        Your dad says something about history degree and teaching. You ignore the teaching bit and say: “Dad, why do you think it’s a history degree? It’s never been a history degree.” (Again, only 1 piece of info here.)
        Your dad says something, whatever, doesn’t much matter.
        You say: “He’s actually studying mathematics.” (Notice short sentence with no distractions.)
        Your dad says something about “what do you do with that” and you say, “We’re not sure yet. Some of his classmates want to be teachers, but Spouse hasn’t decided.”

        (And then – special case for your parent – if your Dad still says something 5 minutes later about history degrees, tell him that you just talked about this, does he remember? And then stop talking and make/let him answer you. And at that point you might want to have a heart-to-heart with him about how it feels when he ignores what you say, and since you know he loves you, maybe he should have his hearing checked? And maybe it’s not his hearing, but you have told him directly that you speak and he appears not to hear or pay attention, and it’s hurting your feelings. But first make sure you aren’t stacking the deck against yourself by trying to talk in a noisy room, or while the tv is on, or whatever. It’s common for people to not realize that their hearing is less good than before, since nothing hurts, it’s just that everything is quieter. I’m in my 50’s now and I’m noticing a little trouble hearing in crowds, and I don’t always hear the cat in the other room but my wife does.

        1. Nita*

          Yes, that’s it. Shorter sentences. That’ll give you the chance to gauge if the listener is even interested, before you launch into the details.

          1. temporarily de-lurking*

            To be honest, I’m not sure I see the helpfulness of this. I’m not cornering a poor cashier and nattering at them for 20 minutes while they try to escape. I’m talking with friends and family in situations where we’re literally getting together to chat. I’m also not going on hour long monologues at people–just trying to have a back and forth conversation and feel like it’s actually a conversation, not just me silently listening to someone talk. If I can understand that people have different interests and passions than me, and can politely listen and respond to someone giving a ten minute explanation of the consistency, color and frequency of their dog’s poop (bc yes, this kind of thing is important to pet owners, even if I have zero interest in hearing about it), then I don’t really think it’s unfair to use two whole sentences at a time to talk about something I’m interested in.

    7. J*

      I’m curious: are these convos happening in person or over the phone? I know that I’m guilty of sometimes trying to “multi-task” while I’m on the phone, and my attention suffers.

  25. I am still Furious!!*

    Ugh, no update! I just checked our local newspaper’s online version, and one divorce is posted – it was granted on October 31, and just made it to the courthouse section this Saturday. Hopefully mine is maybe signed but has not made it to the newspaper yet. I emailed my attorney’s secretary on Thursday for an update, but hadn’t heard anything by yesterday, so she could have been out of the office or busy with current stuff.

    What really bites is that I’m still on the hook for employee/spouse health insurance deductions until I can get a copy of the signed decree so I can take him off my insurance. That’s $240/paycheck. It will be about $100 per 2 week pay for just me, maybe a bit less, so I’m looking forward to the reduced withholding. It will be the first time in over 30 years that I haven’t covered him on my insurance. He never paid one penny or had a job that provided insurance, so it always fell to me.

    I’m running errands this morning, so will check the mailbox at the old house, hoping that all the mail is either being forwarded or he’s change the addresses by now. My indoor/outdoor cat has completely adopted the new owners! He’s happy, they’re doting on him, and I saw him last weekend when I checked the mail. I’m sad that he can’t be with me, but happy he’s doing well and being cared for. The two cats here with me are hysterical. They bring me so much joy and company!

    Now to make plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I plan to take some time off from the “W” thing we don’t talk about on this thread, and aside from that, I’m not sure what I’m doing. I do know that I feel so much less stress this year than last year, and the years before, so that’s good.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      I hope that before your next paycheck you have solid confirmation that you can take him *off*.

      I’m one of the many who have followed your saga without commenting (because of not having anything original to say). Today’s new idea: Please take time to be very, very proud of what you’ve done. You’ve held steady employment for over 30 years to maintain not only yourself but your soon-to-be-ex and your child. That is an accomplishment. You’ve also successfully maneuvered through difficult waters (logistical, emotional, legal) to arrive at this point that is so much better for YOU. Enjoy your stress-free holiday season and overall life.

    2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Sending hug, and +1 on Jean’s comment.
      I did get back premiums via refund… because it also took them a month to process the paperwork to take him off – even with death.
      But more paycheck comes home and that’s great. (and I had the premium health insurance, plus life, plus dental, plus vision… you get the picture).
      As soon as you have the paperwork, I’m sure you also plan to update the beneficiary on your life insurance, your last check/PTO balance, and your retirement accounts. (Here, we have to have “spouse” as 50% legally – until they are not a legal spouse).
      I don’t know if your workplace has a good “life event” checklist (the way they do for death). But follow up… dropping the car insurance coverage, cutting back the renter’s insurance, cancelling the magazines… lots of savings in little places helped me.
      I even realized I could cut back on “my” life insurance coverage because I didn’t have to worry any more about how he would survive without my paycheck to completely support him and his habits. I’m over insured now for term coverage. (I will fix next open enrollment).

      1. I am still Furious!!*

        My HR person said she would try to get a refund for me. And the only thing I think I have to change still is my life insurance through work and my 401K plan beneficiary (he’s already at the minimum 50%, but still…) and I think that’s it. Everything else is done. I’m anxious to see what my paycheck will really be.

        1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

          Happy dance for you. More paycheck, and you get to choose where to spend (what’s left after paying ‘your’ bills). And you know it will still be there when you turn your back. You are doing great!

          1. I am still Furious!!*

            OMG yes! It will still be there when I turn my back! It’s great being able to go for a walk and leave my credit cards in my wallet. I started doing that before I left, for a few months, after I figured out what he had done. I took him off my bank accounts years ago, when it was clear he couldn’t be trusted. I’d get paid, schedule bills to be paid, and wake up the next day to overdrafts because he’d go go an ATM and take out money to gamble with. I am so glad to be free of this.

            1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

              Yes. I understand. My heart is still breaking but you are a shining beacon of hope that this can be overcome. The end is in sight!

      2. valentine*

        Also remove him as next of kin everywhere and assign a medical proxy if you don’t want it to be your mom. Call the secretary and the court clerk.

        1. I am still Furious!!*

          I’ve already done that – with my dentist office (they have contact people too) and my doctor’s office. Thankfully my doctor’s office is affiliated with a large medical group here (it’s like UPMC) so my records are accessible by all of the area hospitals. I chose a close friend and my daughter. Thank you for bringing this up – others may be in the same boat. It can be overwhelming! I made long checklists!

    3. Woodswoman*

      It must be maddening to be this close to having all the legal paperwork finalized and have to keep waiting and spending money on monthly premiums. What great news that your kitty is settled with a new family.

      It’s so good to read that looking ahead to the holidays, you’re already feeling less stressed about them than you did in the past. Even if you’re in a part of the country with challenging weather, I hope you can find time to take walks or otherwise be outdoors when you can. Being outside is healing, not just my platitude here but scientifically proven to promote well-being in multiple research studies.

      Send the best to you!

      1. I am still Furious!!*

        I do take time for walks outside, and it has to be pretty bad for me not to do so, as in, full out blizzard conditions. I have Stabilicers for my waterproof hikers, so even ice doesn’t keep me inside. I’ve gone for walks with temperatures below 0F, just put on my heavy down coat and layered up. I love to feel sunlight on my face, even in December! And Central PA isn’t known for its pleasant weather from November through March :) I’m also very fortunate to live right next to a major hiking trail, and I’ve been exploring it as I have time. It’s very challenging in spots, but I am 55, so probably not so much for younger people, so hope to find someone to hike with.

        Thanks so much for your comments. I’m hoping to get at least a partial refund on the health insurance, my HR person said she can submit based on the date on the paperwork and she’s been moderately successful in the past. Fingers Crossed!!

  26. The Other Dawn*

    Has anyone had a medial branch block for chronic back pain?

    I have bulging lumbar discs (L4-L5, L5-S1) so I get pain down my left leg to my knee. I can deal with it during the day by moving around more (I have a desk job), but sleeping is becoming difficult again. Not a night goes by when I don’t take a half a Tylenol PM and either one or two regular Tylenol. It helps with pain relief and generally prevents me from waking up at 3 am and the tossing and turning the rest of the night while I try and get comfortable.

    I just went to the orthopedic again so I could try another round of epidural corisone injections. Since I didn’t get a lot of relief from the the last three rounds (maybe three weeks each time), the doctor recommended trying a lumbar medical branch block. If that works, then I could have the nerve killed. (I forget what he called it, but they basically fry the nerve.) I know the nerve would eventually grow back, but it could provide long term pain relief.

    I’ve looked it up online so I know a bit about it, but I’d love to hear anyone’s experiences with having it done.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Forgot to add that I’m not yet ready to have fusion done, which is what is needed eventually, so this is just pain management for the time being. I’m not yet at the point where the nerve pain is preventing me from doing anything other than getting a full night’s sleep. Pain level is mostly an annoyance rather than something that sidelines me.

    2. MostCake*

      Not sure if it’s the same thing, but last year after a couple of steroid injections for severe low back pain and the same horrible burning and throbbing nerve pain down my left leg, I had two facet block procedures, which were explained to me as a way of determining which nerve to fry in a future radio frequency nerve ablation procedure. The two facet blocks were a few weeks apart and I had to keep a 24-hour pain diary after each one. They helped but I was still suffering a lot and could barely make it through the day. I had the nerve ablation last January and it’s helped tremendously. For the first time in four years I can walk without pain, pick something up off the floor, tie my shoes, et cetera. I would say the pain is reduced overall at least 85%, and it just keeps getting better as I am regaining strength and stamina, plus I’ve lost about 20 lbs of the 50 I gained when I could barely move for so long.

      I don’t even know what has caused my condition. I just started having horrible pain in my low back that got worse and then the pain down my leg started and I didn’t know what to do. I was limping and couldn’t sleep and was just a mess. My regular doctor booked me for an MRI but the insurance company denied it saying I had to go to physical therapy first, which I wasn’t able to do because of my work hours. I was in tears at work and someone said well, right down the hall is a brain and spine center with a pain clinic, go make an appointment, so I did, worried all the while my insurance would refuse to pay, but so far they’ve paid for everything even the IV sedation for the nerve ablation.

      Sorry to blather on, but if the medial branch block is the same as a facet block, I can tell you it’s changed my life so much for the better.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, it’s the same thing. I Googled it! :) So how long did the pain relief last after the blocks? Also, what was the pain during the procedure like? On the same level as a steroid shot? Worse? Not as bad? Same for the ablation–painful?

        I’m really surprised the insurance wouldn’t pay for an MRI. I mean, I guess I *shouldn’t* be surprised because I’ve been denied for things before, too. (So annoying!)

        1. fposte*

          MRIs are really expensive and time and PT often solve back problems; outside of an emergency situation, it’s pretty standard for insurance not to cover them until you’ve done PT first.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Oh OK, didn’t know that! I guess mine was the exception then. I’d been going to an ortho off and on for several years for back pain, so maybe that’s why it was covered.

            1. fposte*

              Yeah, I bet duration of treatment counts for some insurers. I think the goal is to avoid MRIs for the majority of people, who would be better in 6-8 weeks anyway, which tbh I think isn’t unreasonable.

        2. MostCake*

          The pain relief from the blocks was about medium (60%) and didn’t last more than a few days, but I was told it wouldn’t as they were diagnostic to determine which nerve to kill. The block procedure pain… well, it was not just pain but weird sensations that were unpleasant too. Had I known my insurance would have paid for sedation for the blocks (I’ve since found out they would have), I would have had it. But having experienced it without sedation, I would do it again if necessary. It is pain and weird sensations, but it is over quickly. It is not excruciating but it is painful, just remember it will be over in less than half a minute.

          I was told I *had* to have sedation for the nerve ablation, so did and after the procedure I went out to breakfast on the way home and was back at work the next day. I don’t recall any pain from the procedure itself. The lumbar and leg pain relief was very much immediate but improves even gradually as my mobility improves daily and my strength and agility are catching up. Seriously, I feel like I’m getting my life back and I regret how long I waited to deal with the problem, but it made me depressed and then I could barely deal with anything besides slogging back and forth to work every day.

          The doctor who has done all the procedures on me, he is an anesthesiologist board certified in pain management, told me that if the ablation didn’t work then I’d be referred to the spine doc for a full workup and probably surgery. I’m so thankful this has worked and I continue to improve. If I have to have another ablation I will without hesitation. I hope you have a good outcome too!

    3. All Hail Queen Sally*

      I have not had the branch block but I did end up having surgery for my pain. My back never hurt; it started with the pain down my right leg (sciatica). And what a pain that was–I still remember it 23 years later! Anyhow, they started me out with physical therapy which never worked. It took me almost a year before I found a doctor who referred me for a cat scan which showed a bulging disk (L5-S1). Then they did an MRI which showed that the disk had herniated–a small piece had broken off and was pressing on the nerve. Within a month I had surgery to have the disk removed. They explained that if a disk is just bulging out, physical therapy can work it back into place, but since the piece was broken off, continued pressure on the nerve could cause permanent damage. I was furious that it took them so long to properly diagnose me. I had been in such bad pain for so long and could only walk with a cane. If they had done a cat scan or MRI earlier, I would have been spared all that pain. However, I am very happy to report that the surgery was a success and within two weeks I was pain free.

  27. Jessen*

    Blah. I really should get ADHD testing, but…I’m honestly terrified to go back and deal with the mental health system again. I have benefited from the system, but I also have a lot of painful and traumatic memories that were induced by mental health practitioners. I know people talk about finding the one that fits, but I also feel like that presumes that simply trying people until you find the right one is a low-cost activity (I don’t just mean financially here).

    What I’m particularly worried about with ADHD testing is that they want to find out about your childhood and symptoms before 12. Because I was homeschooled, the only source of that information would be my parents. And I do not want my mother anywhere near my mental health anything. But I’m afraid because I know how tiring and stressful it is to try to justify yes, she actually is that toxic, no, I’m not embarrassed. A lot of people don’t seem to get it, and I’m worried about being interrogated or turned away because I won’t involve my parents and I don’t have anyone else.

    1. Need mascara recommendations*

      I don’t think a therapist is going to turn you away because you won’t involve your parents. Plenty of people have deceased parents and what are they supposed to do, suffer in silence? I know what you mean about the non-monetary expense but unfortunately I don’t see a way around that.

      1. Jessen*

        It’s more that I’ve found that since I have my parents and can contact them, it’s easier to be labelled as uncooperative – whereas if they were deceased it would obviously not be me choosing to not involve them. I really don’t want to justify, yet again, why my mother is toxic and I don’t want to involve her in anything. And it’s been a frequent experience with mental health that they just want you to spit out everything that’s wrong quickly and have a pat explanation, and a lot of doctors will dismiss problems as just nerves or anxiety.

        1. Natalie*

          Have you ever tried just saying “we’re not in contact” or “we’re estranged” rather than explaining why you won’t ask about XYZ specifically? Even with mental health professionals who should probably know better, I find that shorthand is accepted much quicker.

          1. Jessen*

            I mean, we’re not estranged, exactly. My mother is on a very strict information diet. She gets lots and lots of cute kitty stories and chatter about the weather and other light topics, always in a situation with a time limit and ready-made excuses to go. She doesn’t get anything that would be useful in boundary stomping.

            1. Natalie*

              Right, but what if you just said you were estranged? If it’s just for a screening test it doesn’t really matter that it’s not the exact 100% truth. It communicates that this information isn’t available from her, which is the point.

    2. ainomiaka*

      As an adult in the U.S. it would be weird to require your parents, possibly a HIPPA violation. I don’t know about other countries, but I wouldn’t worry about that particular issue.
      Sadly that doesn’t help you know in advance what therapists are going to be worth going to. It’s always such a dice roll.

      1. Jessen*

        Yeah, what gets me about the dice roll is it can actually have really bad effects if you get a bad one. A lot of people treat it as the worst that can happen is they don’t help you at all.

    3. Dr. Anonymous*

      Can you have neuropsych testing, because then you don’t need the detailed childhood bevlhavioral inventory. It’s pricier, of course, but it’s just a bunch of cognitive tests and I don’t recall a bunch of probing questions about my childhood or my feelings.

      1. Jessen*

        I’ll look into it. The main concern I have is one of the diagnostic criteria is symptoms present before age 12. I just don’t have really any access to anything about what I was like before age 12.

        1. Autumnheart*

          Just tell them that.

          You’re an adult. They can’t force you to involve your parents. I got screened at age 42 and while they asked me if I could recall any relevant symptoms as a child, I didn’t have to provide documentation or references. It was only a very minor part of the testing. A friend of mine also got screened by a different doctor, and while they had a section where the patient could ask family members for information, it definitely wasn’t a requirement to do so. Just “If you remember, it might be helpful”.

        2. LilySparrow*

          I am not being snarky – I know this is a real issue with traumatic childhoods: do you have problems remembering what you were like before the age of 12, and your own experience of traits/symptoms?

          Because I was diagnosed based solely on self-reported symptoms and experiences. As were several of my friends who were diagnosed as adults. None of us were required to prove anything. Longer post below.

          I’m sorry you’ve had such horrible encounters with people who were supposed to help you. I can tell it must have been really bad, for you to have such fear about what is, for many people, a process that is relatively benign or even a source of relief.

          I hope you get some real, useful assistance from caring and competent people.

          1. Jessen*

            I’ve never really thought of it as “problems remembering” so much as just, like…the memories I have wouldn’t be relevant? I feel like it’s not uncommon for people to not have a lot of memories before that age, and especially not a lot of ones that would speak to symptoms. And with homeschooling I don’t really have a distinctive set of memories about school that are separate from home life, nor did I really have regular grades and feedback that would have provided a lot of information. There was a lot more of “do it until you get it right” without any external mechanism to know how I measured up to other people.

            Most of what I remember about schoolwork is later – I remember that I couldn’t master proofreading no matter what, and I had a tendency when doing advanced math to make a lot of extremely basic mistakes (think like 2+5=9).

            I suspect at least some bad encounters are more common than people think. I think the mental health profession is still susceptible to a lot of the same biases wider society has and isn’t always very good at addressing them. It tends to be very individually focused, which has its advantages but I think also certain disadvantages when dealing with any sort of systemic bias, and the nature of the system encourages chalking pushback on the part of the patient up to their mental health. (Also, the whole “maybe you’re not ready to get better” line can die in a fire.)

            1. Observer*

              I think you are misunderstanding ADD. The kinds of things that diagnosticians are going to be looking for are not necessarily going to be tied to a formal school and / or grading setting.

              1. Jessen*

                I get that a bit, but, like, most of my memories are like “I hate cauliflower but I had to eat it anyway.”

    4. Rhymes with Mitochondria*

      I’ve never done testing, but I hear you on the sheep volume of people who simply don’t believe you when you say you don’t talk to your parents because they are terrible people.
      PSA to the world: If someone says that to you, BELIEVE THEM. Do not expect examples or proof.

      1. Jessen*

        Yeah. I do talk to mine, but my mother’s on a strict cute kittens and new recipes information diet. She doesn’t get to come to my apartment, and I won’t get in the car with her, because those create situations where it might be difficult for me to get away. And she doesn’t get any information that would be personal, at all.

        I think that surprises people more than complete estrangement would. I know she tends to see boundaries as “Jessen is just being mean for no reason”, so I kind of keep her in a spot where she doesn’t have the chance to really get at me.

    5. LilySparrow*

      It depends where you are. I’m in the US, and I told my GP I was concerned about it. She referred me to a psychiatrist for screening. We met once for an hour (and he’s a fun guy – he has ADHD too, and screening and treatment for ADHD is basically all he does). He sent her a report, and she manages my prescription. He said I can come back and talk to him whenever I need to, but I”m not required to have ongoing mental health treatment for the ADHD at all.

      He didn’t ask me anything about my relationship with my parents, and didn’t require anything from my former schools. He just asked me about my experiences now, and traced whether these traits seemed consistent with my experiences as a child. (To make sure it wasn’t something new out of the blue).

      In my case, there wouldn’t have been anything from school anyway, because I didn’t have any trouble in school. I was a weird kid socially because of the blurting, hyperfocus on odd interests, and physical clumsiness/messiness. But it didn’t impact my grades or get me in trouble with the teacher. My symptoms cause me problems with adulting, but being a kid was easy because somebody else was doing the adulting for me.

      And that’s pretty typical for a lot of adults with ADHD — if it impacted our schooling, we would have been diagnosed a long time ago. So I can’t see why school records would be relevant at all?

      Start with your GP. See what the standards are and what/who they recommend.

      1. Jessen*

        Well, the problem is I honestly plan on replacing my GP. I really don’t like him, and new job means new insurance and lots more options. So I’m thinking I’d probably rather start with a psychiatrist?

        I think I’m just nervous because I’ve had some pretty terrible experiences within the mental health system, and overall I felt (across several practitioners) that I was being fixed rather than being heard, and that a good patient was supposed to shut up and do what the doctor said. And if I didn’t like it or wanted to try something else that was a symptom that we needed to work on.

        1. LilySparrow*

          Ah, I see.

          Is there anyone you’re able to talk to about getting recommendations? I’ve always had the best results with word of mouth in finding health providers. Way better than just searching lists & trial and error.

          Maybe if there’s a local forum or support group for ADHD, you could ask there?

    6. MommaCat*

      I got tested about a year and a half ago, and I didn’t have to contact my parents. The psychologist did ask, but they aren’t in the picture for different reasons; I think you would be safe saying that you’re estranged from your mother. I had an interview with the psychologist, and convinced him enough for a paper test that I took with a bunch of other people. Let me tell you, having a bunch of ADHD people trying to take a silent test in a silent room at the same time was kind of hellish. In any case, I didn’t rate high enough on the test to rate a diagnosis, especially given my high grades in high school and college (I finally found that if I stretched myself thin enough, I didn’t have time to procrastinate. Probably not the healthiest coping mechanism). I ended up letting it go, but I’m probably going to follow up again in a few years when we switch providers (current plan is great for prenatal, crappy for mental health). Hope this helps you!

      1. Jessen*

        Yeah that’s always my worry. I’m great in academics, especially if I have a structured environment. But I have a hard time paying bills because I don’t remember that they’re due, I can hardly manage to keep a house free of flies and garbage, and I routinely forget to eat. I also can’t seem to manage calendars or to-do lists because they become part of the background pretty quickly to my brain.

        1. TL -*

          One of my friends does great if she has a structured environment and not so great out of it; that’s really common with ADHD in adults, especially women. Her diagnosis was pretty straightforward – her counselor recommended testing, she got tested, they put her on medication and she has strategies that she’s worked out with her counselor as well.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Omg it wasn’t a one on one!? I cannot imagine it.

        (And now I’m picturing the scene in Men in Black where flippant NYC cop Will Smith is taking a test with 5 military people in dress uniforms…)

    7. Not A Manager*

      I’m confused about what you’re looking for. I have relatives with ADHD, and they were given a bunch of neuropsych tests to determine it. IIRC, there was also a personal history taken, but the bulk of the diagnosis was based on the testing.

      On the other hand, I have friends who basically described their symptoms to the prescribing doctor, and the doctor gave them a prescription and said, “try this, if it helps then you have ADHD. If it doesn’t help, you probably don’t.”

      So maybe it depends on what kind of doctor you see and what you want? If you want a prescription for some kind of med, I don’t think they are that hard to get. If you want a referral to someone who specializes in behavioral treatment for adults with ADHD, that might require more testing.

      In terms of the request to contact your parents, I’d suggest firm eye contact and “we’re not in contact.” Don’t fill any silence. Let it be awkward. If the doc pushes you, just keep repeating variations of, “that’s not possible, we’re not in contact.”

      1. Jessen*

        I think I’d prefer behavioral type treatment, although I’m not opposed to meds. But I also tend to react weirdly to meds and I’m cautious because I’ve had anxiety issues before. For various reasons, there’s also some advantages to me to having an official, on-paper diagnosis.

        I am in very light contact with my mother, for various reasons. I get along pretty well with my father, but I know I couldn’t involve him and not my mother. But mom’s on a very strict limit of nothing important or personal.

        1. MommaCat*

          So, one thing you can check out the YouTube channel howtoADHD. I’ve found a lot of her tips to be really helpful. Also, I’ve set up my Fitbit to alert me for things like cleaning up my work area before it’s time to leave work, or giving me warnings that I should be eating breakfast NOW if I want to get to work on time, things like that. I just turned off my alerts for cleaning the house, though, I’ve been ignoring them for a month. I’ll turn them back on in a week or two, hopefully that will help me reset.

          1. Jessen*

            Hey, that’s the other symptom – me and videos have issues!

            Seriously, I’ll check it out. I’ve done a lot of life rearranging, like right now breakfast is a fruit bar and a thing of kefir rather than a sit-down breakfast, because I just won’t remember.

    8. Jennifer Thneed*

      Thing may have changed since I was diagnosed over 10 years ago, but it was very much based on “what are your experiences right now, and are those experiences a problem for you?” So, thinking things are funny that others don’t laugh at — it happens but it sure doesn’t bother me. But never remembering anything unless I write it on my calendar — it happens and is a big problem.

      That particular psychiatrist was really uninterested in doing *therapy* on me, didn’t care about my childhood except as I could recognize experiences that the ADHD explained. So I wonder why you’re certain that it will come up for you? In any case, just tell them that you’re estranged for good reasons and you can only share what you remember. (And if they push back on that, it’s okay to end the appointment and come back another time.)

      Also, I agree with whoever said, “What would they do with people whose parents are dead?” This is a thing that happens, especially with adults over 35. And I challenge you on this: “the memories I have wouldn’t be relevant?” That sounds like you are making an assumption, and I suggest that you might be wrong, and you should ask the experts rather than assuming. (And for the record, lots of people I know remember things before age 12. You might not remember events accurately, but you’ll certainly remember things like “sitting still in class was always hard” or “I could read fine but somehow I could never learn to spell words”. It’s before age 4 or so that most people don’t remember, because of childhood brain development.)

      1. Jessen*

        I mean my memories of that age are more like “I remember we had cauliflower for dinner and I hated it” or “I remember that I wanted to paint my bedroom black but my parents said that would be too dark” or “We got this wooden spider decoration and it was awesome and I kind of wish I still had it”.

        I have memories of the setup for academics, but little to no memories of actually doing the work or how easy or hard it was for me or how long it took, just that it got done eventually. Similarly, I remember that I had chores and did them when told, but I don’t think remembering on my own and organizing things was ever expected of me beyond “put your stuff away where mom says it goes when she tells you to put it away.” I don’t think anyone ever cared if I sat still or not, or if I daydreamed or stared out the window.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I was diagnosed with ADD in my 40s. They didn’t ask for school records–they asked me. I told them I pulled my first all-nighters in fifth grade… and that was enough to demonstrate that it was a consistent thing, not a new development.

      1. Jessen*

        That makes sense. I think part of my thought is homeschooling for me meant a very different environment than your standard school environment, which means I don’t really have a lot to compare it to, and certain common issues just never came up. It also means my memories don’t tend to come with as many time markers; anything from age 8 to age 18 was at the same spot in the same room with the same people. The other side is that mom got upset over so many stupid things it’s hard to tell what was actually a thing I was doing and what was mom being out of control again.

        I just get nervous around mental health treatment because I’ve had some pretty nasty past experiences. (My current favorite is the guy who put down my having a girlfriend in college as a symptom.) I think I’m trying to talk myself into it because there are some kind of nasty associated traumatic memories, and who do you go to to deal with traumatic memories that are caused – and retriggered – by therapy?

    10. LilySparrow*

      Hey Jessen, I don’t know if you’ll be back to see this, but I just got a notification that ADDitude Magazine is having a free webinar this week on How to Get An Accurate ADHD Diagnosis. If you can’t make the live session, they’ll send you a replay link.

      Link in my username.

    11. Observer*

      I have to agree with the others who said that it’s almost certainly impossible for the to REQUIRE that you involve your mother or to label you “uncooperative” if you refuse to involve her.

    12. JustDiagnosed*

      Not sure if anyone is still checking! Just wanted to chime in since I just got diagnosed very recently. I asked for a referral after going to an audiologist to check my hearing (absolutely fine). It was a 30-min session with a neuropsych who asked about what issues I’ve been having and asked guiding questions, which do include some childhood questions. At the end I was given a diagnosis, some medication to start with, and a timeline to come back to see how everything is going.

  28. GhostWriter*

    Anyone have any suggestions on how to dust books without removing them from a bookcase?

    I used to take all my books down and lay them in piles on a table (one shelf at a time) and vacuum the tops, but that was labor intensive and a lot of dust got in the air (I’d get sinus pressure and a runny nose for the rest of the day whenever I did it). Recently I tried patting a Swifter duster on the tops of the books to pick up the dust, but I got sick from that too.

    I’ve seen vacuum attachments that are long and super flat (for getting under furniture), so that might work, but the ones available on my vacuum brand’s website don’t say they fit my model.

    3. And Peggy*

      I use a microfibre duster wand – it has a telescoping metal handle so I can reach the tops of shelves, and lots of microfibre “strings” that get into all the gaps. It traps the dust so I don’t get it in the air (I have breathing issues). I drag it across slowly rather than patting as that way dust doesn’t get lifted up by the air movement.

      1. CAA*

        This. It’s how I dust the guest room that we also call “the library”. I had a feather duster, but the feather bits would get stuck in the gaps in the bindings and break off. The microfiber works much better.

    4. Autumnheart*

      Dust them more frequently, so you’re not dealing with tons of dust each time.

      If these books are not of particular value (e.g. paperbacks that are still in print), consider getting rid of them entirely and replacing them with e-books.

      If they are valuable, consider an enclosed bookcase with a glass door. Or maybe an air purifier in the corner near the bookcase, to filter out dust so it doesn’t collect as quickly.

      1. GhostWriter*

        I was only dusting them every three or four months because it was so time consuming to take every book down, vacuum and then put them back. If I can find a nice duster or handheld vac that would make the job quicker I think doing it more often would be a good idea!

    7. GhostWriter*

      Thanks for all the suggestions! I ‘m going to see what kind of dusters and handheld vacs are available online and in my local stores. :)

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I’m looking for something too, actually, because when I packed to move, I was shocked at how filthy our books had gotten–and I was using the upholstery brush on the tops. Now that we’re setting up shelves to unpack…well, there are a staggering number of options when I search on “vacuum attachments for narrow spaces”.

        In the long run, I’m going to get glass doors for the shelves…hurrah for IKEA door add-ons.

    9. TootsNYC*

      Cut waxed paper into a strip that will lay on top of the books. Then carefully fold it into itself to encase the dust. Toss, and cut a new strip.

      Or, there’s the idea of attaching strips of cloth to the underside of the shelf above. Google “Martha Stewart” and “linen dust shields.”

  29. Foreign Octopus*

    I finished watching the Haunting of House Hill last night. I was really hesitant to start it because I HATE horror shows but it looked good and it had the kid from ET in it (although he’s not a kid anymore, obviously, but he has the bluest eyes imaginable) so I gave it a go. I am so glad I did. I really loved it, although I did feel that the last episode was a little weak – I was expecting a huge confrontation but it felt a bit of a let down after everything.

    I also started feeling for the house when that song played at the end, which is ridiculous, I know.

    So now I’m looking for something else to watch. Anyone want to recommend a show they’re really into right now?

    1. Laura H.*

      If you like fantasy, don’t mind a cartoon, and or liked Avatar the Last Airbender, The Dragon Prince is a good one!!

      1. No Green No Haze*

        The Dragon Prince is excellent.

        I’m won’t go on and on about how awesome the character of General Amaya is, here, but I want you to know I COULD. Like, for an unsetting amount of time.

    2. Lena Clare*

      I’m re-watching series 1 of Prison Break so i can continue to watch seasons 2-5 which I never did originally. I know tis old, but it’s good.

      I’m watching Crazy Ex Girlfriend and The Good Place atm on Netflix, and if you haven’t seen Killing Eve oh my gosh watch it, it’s so good!

    3. GhostWriter*

      “Travelers” was really good if you’re into sci-fi or time travel, and “A Series Of Unfortunate Events” is great if you like silly or dark stories, or if you like Neil Patrick Harris. “The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina” looks good, though I haven’t seen it yet. (All are on Netflix.)

      “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” and “Sneaky Pete” are really good if you have Amazon Prime.

    4. catsaway*

      Also after finishing the Haunting of Hill house I started watching Babylon Berlin. It’s a detective show (I guess) that takes place in 1929(ish) Berlin. I’ve been surprised by how much I like it, 5 epidsodes in. It has good production values, a good plot, and some wild (in a good way) subplots – communist factions, Berlin nightclubs etc.

    5. A.N. O'Nyme*

      I’m quite into Stranger Things tbh. Haven’t gotten around to Haunting of Hill House yet so can’t tell if you’d like it based off of just that, though.
      This reminds me I really need to go and finish Stranger Things.

    6. PX*

      Second the rec for Killing Eve if you havent watched it!

      My current binge is Killjoys which is a fun, show with good female characters on Syfy.

      And I…sort of started watching Kings last night. Its a pretty old show (2012) that had lots of rave reviews when it aired but unfortunately got cancelled after 1 season. Only 1 episode in and I can see why people liked it, but not sure I have the capacity for a deep political show in me right now. I’m mostly about fun and fluffy to be honest :D

    7. Courageous cat*

      The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina has been a great next show to watch after Hill House. A little more campy but a good transition show

    9. Foreign Octopus*

      Thanks for all the suggestions. I think I’m going to go with Sabrina for now – I need a transition show.

  30. the elephant in the room*

    LOOK AT THE BAAAYBEEEE!!

    I’m going to check out that book, it sounds fascinating. I just finished The Haunting of Hill House on Netflix and, after reading about the differences between the book and the show, I’m really itching to read the book. The show was fantastic and I’m actually pretty psyched that they were able to take the same universe and set a different (GREAT!) story to it, so I can read the book without spoilers.

    Any Shirley Jackson fans watch the show? What did you think?

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I have not–I heard that it bore little resemblance to the book, and I’m a fan of the 1963 Robert Wise film adaptation anyway. I might check it out but I’m not all that eager.

    2. Ellie*

      Only connection to book and tv show? The names used and the fact that there is a house!!! The stories in each are completely different. The book is a classic for a reason, and the tv show is good for other reasons. Don’t expect the book to have any connection to the show. (I say this because the book is phenomenal as it is, and I can’t bear the idea of anyone reading the book and being displeased when it has nothing to do with the series.)

  31. Detective Amy Santiago*

    Rec me your favorite audio books and podcasts.

    This week, I listened to One of Us is Lying (which I think Alison recommended a while back) and it was great. I’ve listened to the whole catalog of Han & Matt Know it All, Crime Junkie, The Trail Went Cold, and Moms & Murder podcast wise.

    1. Glomarization, Esq.*

      “Just above the 60th parallel in the Baltic Ocean, a team of researchers arrives at an abandoned wind farm, to investigate some unexplained energy surges. They discover that the wind farm has become sentient. And hungry.”

      This writing prompt, given by a director to a playwright, has grown over years into an episodic science fiction revenge tragedy. Jarnsaxa, a giantess, and her cousin Loki, seek vengeance on Thor by unleashing Ragnarok. Meanwhile, agents of a multinational energy corporation pursue eco-terrorists in the frozen North. This story travels gritty dystopian wastelands, supernatural paradise, and contemporary realms, to examine what we sustain and why.

      The producers also provide transcripts.

    2. Lady Jay*

      Mentioned it a week or so ago, but Trevor Noah’s Born a Crime is one of those rare books that’s actually better on audio–Noah is able to do the various African dialects/languages, so you get a feel for the language diversity of South Africa.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Audio books:
      Fan of the His Dark Materials series for long car trips. It’s by a cast, not one reader (might be a BBC radio production?) and it’s great to have the voices sound like the right age/gender.

      I also like Bryson’s A Short History of Nearly Everything, which is sort of like listening in on hot old science gossip while also answering a bunch of “yeah, how DO they know that?” questions.

      For mixed ages on a several hours’ car ride, you can’t beat The Phantom Tollbooth.

      Politics podcasts: I like the 538 podcast and usually listen when making dinner Monday night. WaPo has one called Can He Do That which answers that recurring question. And I love Says You, the NPR word quiz show, which has podcasts.

    4. Valancy Snaith*

      I’ve gotten really sucked into Casefile and Astonishing Legends lately–Casefile is an Australian true-crime podcast that’s very straightforward and just-the-facts, but excellent, and Astonishing Legends is wayyy more into the two-guys-chatting-about-mysteries. They cover paranormal stuff, mysteries, ghosts, etc., which is very appropriate for this time of year, I think! I really want to like Lore, but that one just doesn’t grab me. Non-true-crime and non-murder related, I LOVE Gastropod, which is all about the history/science/culture behind food, and Switched On Pop, which is a musicologist and songwriter/musician discussing pop music in depth and is wayyyy more fascinating than it has a right to be.

      For audiobooks, the audio versions of the Crazy Rich Asians books are fantastic because the narrator absolutely nails all the different little bits of dialect in there, which is fascinating to me.

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        I like the stories on Lore, so I listen anyway, but his delivery really annoys me. He’s doing a series at the moment called Unobscured about the Salem witch trials which is pretty interesting.

    5. A.N. O'Nyme*

      I don’t listen to audio books, but for podcasts I can recommend “Stranglers” (about the Boston Strangler, although that one does contain graphic descriptions of sexual violence so be warned), “My Favourite Murder” (this one occasionally includes the host’s cats!) and “Lore” (about a different sort of horror subject every episode – like the Mercy Brown vampire incident, H.H. Holmes or Iceland’s “Hidden Folk”).

    6. Nameless Wonder*

      Reply all
      Guilty feminist
      Terrible thanks for asking
      Griefcast
      Stuff mom never told you
      Serial
      Women at work (from Harvard business review)
      In the dark
      Criminal
      Accused
      Radiolab
      This American Life

      All excellent podcasts

    7. Violet Strange*

      In Sight
      Trace Evidence
      –both true crime
      Slow Burn–2 seasons, one on Watergate and one on Monica Lewinsky and other Clinton era scandals

      1. Dr. Anonymous*

        Ask A Clean Person
        The Hilarious World of Depression
        (I also listen to quite a few sewing podcasts and I’ll spare you all except for Sewing out Loud, which I adore.)

      2. Detective Amy Santiago*

        I loved Slow Burn S1! I’ve been waiting until the second season was wrapped so I could binge listen.

    8. Free Meerkats*

      Two of my favorite podcasts are Kevin and Ursula Eat Cheap and Betty in the Sky with a Suitcase! KUEC is author and artist Ursula Vernon and her husband trying unusual foods so you don’t have to combined with random discussion of hounds and cats and chickens and cons with an occasional visit from the teenager. Is guess there’s at least 500 hours to listen to if you start at the beginning.
      Betty In the Sky is the adventures of a flight attendant with a major airline.
      Audiobooks: Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman, Mary Roach, Lord of the Rings.

    9. Lissa*

      I am currently really into The History Chicks podcast. Two women talking about women of varying levels of fame from different periods of history – very fun!

    10. Ranon*

      Please: the Disability Visibility podcast is super interesting and the host is a really talented interviewer. For history podcasts Sexing History and the Dig History Podcast are great, and for science you really can’t beat Ologies.

      For audio books Cod by Mark Kurlansky remains one of the most surprisingly absorbing ones I’ve ever listened to.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Cod and Salt were both fantastic. Even the then-fourth grader listened while Mom & Dad had it on!

    11. Anon2*

      Podcasts…

      Carruth – about recently released Rae Carruth
      The Dream – all about MLM companies (it’s SO good)
      Household Name – untold stories behind big name brands

    12. Jennifer Thneed*

      Hah, we were just doing this with a friend last night!

      1. Lexicon Valley, but only the recent 18 months or so, when John McWhorter took over. He’s a trained linguist and the guys who started the podcast were more just “interested by language” people.
      2. Containers – 8 episodes, history of containerized shipping, as seen thru the focus of one particular port (Port of Oakland) but really interesting even if you’re not a local.
      3. Put Your Hands Together – comedy podcast of a weekly standup show in LA
      4. Alison Green’s Ask A Manager — these are shorties
      5. Reborn in America – Bassem Youssef
      6. Levar Burton Reads – short stories, read just so excellently

      And this isn’t a podcast, but rather a series of 4 novellas that I was listening to on Audible: The Murderbot Diaries, by Martha Wells. A nice take on your basic angst-ridden android, funny as hell, read really well. Each one is 3-ish hours long.

    13. Minta*

      You have to like the subject, but I have found that I love biographies and autobiographies on audio for popular music artists. If you’re not into that, maybe you’d enjoy audiobooks on actors or authors or painters. I love them because they provide so many answers to questions I had as a kid and a teen who was super interested in rock bands and musicians but who did not have the same sort of research access now possible with the internet.

      Here’s a list of my favorite bios on audio. Please note that this list does not reflect my favorite artists or bands necessarily. They’re just subjects and titles I thought would be enjoyable–and they were.
      – Rod Stewart
      – Pete Townshend (I never wanted this one to end, and I’ve never been a huge fan of The Who. So good!)
      – Chrissy Hynde
      – Billy Idol (his bio provided a surprising number of valuable life insights amongst all the expected tales of debauchery. He is incredibly well-read (and a history-buff), and it shows.)
      – Bruce Springsteen (Driving down the damn highway crying my eyes out on the way to work on a couple occasions. Whew!)
      – Johnny Marr
      – Tom Petty bio (Listened to this not too long before he died, and I’m still reeling. I feel like I got to know him, and his death has been extra difficult because of that. It’s the danger of listening to these bios on aging artists, I guess.)

      Other good ones:
      – The Wilson Sisters (Heart)
      – Phil Collins
      – John Lydon
      – Morrissey
      – Freddy Mercury
      – Mick Fleetwood
      – John Taylor of Duran Duran
      – Carrie Brownstein

      Next up will probably be the Stevie Nicks bio. Need to look at what’s new. I really need to listen to the Patti Smith one; just haven’t gotten around to it.
      One surprising benefit of listening to all these was the chance to hear different sides of what happened in the same story. There was a bit of overlap between some of the stories between Pete, Rod, and Mick.

    14. SRRPNW*

      Last Scene – true crime, but not murder. It is investigative reporting into the largest art heist ever. So far I’m really enjoying it.

  32. Lcsa99*

    Has anyone else had problems with silicone molds staying clean? I use them specifically for chocolate, so that might be the problem. But I clean them carefully every time before storing them, yet every single time I take them out again they have a film on them so I have to wash them a second time before I can use them. Is this just something that happens with silicone molds? Or is there something I should be doing before I put them away?

    1. ThatGirl*

      Ooh! I can answer this!

      Use a paste of baking soda and massage it, get it in all the corners and crevices. Let it sit for a little while, then scrub and rinse well. Silicone doesn’t absorb anything so reside that might not be visible at first rises to the surface. You can also put it in the top rack of your dishwasher for ongoing cleaning.

    2. fposte*

      Tangentially–a friend of mine has just gotten into chocolate making, and I’d love to get her some really far out silicon molds as a present. Is there a good place to look for something beyond the usual? Kitschy Americana might be particularly good.

      1. Lcsa99*

        I’ve found a lot of fun ones including guitars and Lego molds (if you do two lego molds together you can make working chocolate legos, but I havent been patient enough to make that work). And globalsugarart (.com) has a lot of fun ones.

      2. GoryDetails*

        Re far out silicone molds: the Archie McPhee site has some for brains and for moustaches; and the Think Geek site has Pikachu and Star Wars-themed molds. (Some of those are meant for ice cubes, others for baking, but I think they’d all work for chocolate.) I’m very fond of the “Han Solo in carbonite” mold I got some time back – makes lovely chocolates! That one used to be at Think Geek, but now I see it available on Amazon instead, along with lots of other unusual molds.

        2. ThatGirl*

          Most of the time, silicone is heat safe to 500 or so, so most molds can be used for baking or candy or ice or jello or chocolate or….

  33. LuJessMin*

    So, I’m the crazy cat lady of my neighborhood. All the stray cats (and some that are not so stray) know they can come to my house twice a day for meals. I try to spay/neuter the ones I can handle, which is not many. Thursday evening there were 12 cats, now there are 11 because the pit bulls that live behind me jumped the fence and used my sweet little Punky as a chew toy. Police were called, but as the dogs were not aggressive to people, all he would do was call Animal Control. My other neighbor managed to tie the dogs to the fence, but I think the owners found them and took them away before Animal Control came.

    Now, I understand that if the cats go into the dogs’ yard, they take their lives in their paws. But when dogs come into MY yard that’s a whole ‘nother story. I’m tempted to buy an air rifle/pellet gun/BB gun and teach some rude dogs a lesson.

    1. WellRed*

      If they can jump the fence you’ve got a bigger problem than one poor cat. What did animal control say? I am guessing you don’t communicate with the pit bull owners.

      1. Steve*

        Agreed with the humane trap. You can also contact rescues in your area – they are often low on funds, so if you explain that you will pay and only want a trapping expert then they should be keen to help.

        Dogs – water does not work nearly as well as compressed air (sold at pet stores but also as keyboard cleaners). It doesn’t work on every dog, but the very loud noise stuns them more than other products. But with such vicious dogs who have already killed… I will have to think about other options (the only obvious thing is a shoch collar but that only works if they are your dogs). Can the fence be improved?

        1. Natalie*

          A dog killing a cat doesn’t necessarily make it vicious. Animals don’t generalize between “other pet” and “wild animal” based on species. Pet cats will kill pet rodents, pet dogs with a high prey drive will generally kill any small animal they can catch. Even my dog, who lives with a cat and ignores it, will chase other cats he encounters.

          I’d focus on figuring out how to keep them out of your yard, which is obviously inappropriate for multiple reasons.

          1. fposte*

            Right–it’s not like cats are vicious for catching mice. The problem here is owners who haven’t adequately contained their dog.

            BTW, I have neighbors who put up their own 6-foot fence along one property line because of the dogs on the other side. Maybe they shouldn’t have had to, but it was a lot more effective than arguing with the owner.

            1. Wishing You Well*

              Yep, I did this: built a solid, 6-foot fence on my side because of the neighbor’s aggressive dogs. It was spendy, but at least I could be in my backyard again. I spoke to the neighbor several times about his dogs, but he never did a thing to fix the problem. Thank Goodness, he moved and took his dogs with him!

    3. tangerineRose*

      I’m sorry about your kitty. fposte’s suggestion about a taller fence might be the best thing. Dogs who kill cats should be in enclosures they can’t get out of.

    4. FaintlyMacabre*

      I wouldn’t focus on the dog so much as the owner. My dog got out of the yard once and killed a neighbor’s guinea pig. I was horrified, apologized, offered to replace the pet, and most imprtantly- fixed the part of the fence my dog escaped from. My neighbor and I maintained a cordial relationship afterwards.

      However, I would not be okay with someone ‘teaching’ my dog a lesson with a bb gun. I certainly understand that you’re upset, and you have every right to be, but “revenge” against an animal is not the answer.

    5. Tara R.*

      I’m so terribly sorry about your cat. I would be absolutely devastated. I don’t think violence towards an animal is ever the answer. If one of your cats killed your neighbour’s pet mouse, would you be okay with them shooting it with a BB gun? The dog was being a dog, just like cats are being cats when they kill a mouse or bird or whatever.

  34. Sunflower*

    I’m extending a work trip and heading to San Diego (solo) for the weekend at the end of the month. I’m looking to book an Airbnb and haven’t decided yet if I’m renting a car but I’d prefer not to. Not sure what area of the city to stay in! I’m mostly looking to look at some cool/beautiful stuff and eat some good food whether it’s from a nice restaurant or hole in the wall. Thoughts on neighborhood to stay in and any suggestions for sight seeing/food appreciated!!

    1. BRR*

      It’s going to be difficult, but not impossible, to get around much without a car. I would probabaly look downtown near the gas lamp quarter. You can Uber/lyft to balboa park. Torrey Pines State Park is my favorite. It’s a huge set of trails on a cliff right on the ocean.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      When going to cities I’ve started just taking ubers. Renting a car meant a lot of time either stressed about city traffic or stressed about finding parking, and even if the cost came out the same it was refreshing to let someone else figure out what to do with the car while I cultural institutioned.

    3. CAA*

      If you can find something in the Gaslamp Quarter or Little Italy neighborhoods of downtown, you’ll be in walking distance of many great restaurants. You can really just walk up and down the street and pick one that looks good, or check Yelp or Eater; or if you like Top Chef, search out the restaurants by Brian Malarkey, Richard Blais and Claudette Zepeda-Wilkins. For a nice view at sunset, visit Altitude Sky Lounge on top of the Marriott near Petco Park.

      For sightseeing, easy places to go from downtown either by public transit or Uber/Lyft (a few are close enough to walk): SD Zoo, Balboa Park and its museums, Coronado, USS Midway Museum, Maritime Museum, harbor cruise, Embarcadero walk, whale watching (though it might be too early for that), La Jolla, Torrey Pines State Reserve. Farther out and better done with a rental car are the SD Safari Park, Cabrillo National Monument, Julian, Anza-Borrego Desert State Park.

      1. CAA*

        Also, not sure if you’re definitely committed to doing AirBnB, but you can probably find some good hotel deals in downtown as long as you’re not talking about Thanksgiving weekend. Especially if you don’t have a rental car, the hotels will be more conveniently located than most places that allow AirBnB, and you won’t have to worry about the ridiculous valet parking charges.

    4. CoffeeOnMyMind*

      Definitely go to the Donut Bar – they have fantastic, monster sized donuts plus beer. Get there early though – there is always a line and they close as soon as they sell out. Sooo worth the wait though.

    5. Boo Hoo*

      I like The Grand Hyatt Manchester but for location the Andaz is great. A one minute walk to all the italian food I can fit in me, which is a lot. There are some fun breweries and tons of great italian food so take advantage of both.

    6. It’s all good*

      Last weekend we went to a wedding in San Diego. All the out of town guests stayed in Old Town San Diego for a few days and loved it. It was pretty happening for Dio De Los Muertos so I don’t know if that had anything to do with it. It’s a quick Uber ride to Little Italy and Downtown and you can take many tours from there.

  35. Zoey "Bookbag" Bartlet*

    Any advice for traveling with people you don’t know well? Next week, I’m going on a big trip with a good friend, who invited a few of his friends (one couple and another) whom I have met only once. This would be fine, but the couple invited another couple without asking and another random person decided to tag along. My friend is fine with all of this, but I’m very nervous since I am very shy and I did not have a great experience meeting his single friend (the couple I met are nice enough).
    All of the logistics for planning have fallen on me and the only response I have gotten from the other travelers are complaints (why didn’t you include X, or can we change the itinerary three months after it was set) or radio silence. This is the trip of a lifetime and I wish I could be excited instead of anxious.
    Note: My friend has been helpful in telling people if there was something they wanted to do, nothing is stopping them but it was not my job to plan it.

    1. foolofgrace*

      I know this doesn’t help but if it was me I would have just canceled. The trip isn’t worth all the grief. “Why didn’t you include X?” Seriously? But I’m sure it will be fine, having a good attitude will go a long way.

      1. London Calling*

        Me to. I HATE it when I invite a friend for a drink or a coffee and she rocks up with a complete stranger from work when I’m looking forward to a catch up and this is times ten on the irritation scale. Presumably you weren’t asked if you a) minded these extra people and b) were happy to do all the arrangements?

        Screw ’em. Drop out and tell friend why. They showed you no consideration, they get none back.

    2. Doc in a Box*

      That sounds terrible. There’s a big difference in the logistics between a trip for 2-4 people and a trip for 7!

      I would just email people “This is what we [good friend and I] are going to do. Make your own arrangements for things you see on this list that you like, or feel free to explore on your own!” You’re not related to these people by blood, marriage, or friendship; you’re not required to do any emotional labor to keep them in line. I’d also check in with your good friend who extended the invite to all these other people and let him/her know that you are feeling nervous about being with a bunch of relative strangers and you might need some time to yourself on the trip. As a fellow introvert, I sympathize!

    3. WellRed*

      Cancel! This has the makings of a disaster. Also, I never understand the whole idea if group travel and the need to do everything en masse.

      1. WellRed*

        Sorry, I kust reread that this is (was supposed to be) trip of a lifetime so canceling isn’t likely. Set your own expectations, build in alone time and don’t let anyone make you feel responsible. Ef them and frankly, your good friend.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I read the first paragraph and was thinking thoughts like “Build in some down time; it can be good to separate and regroup and it gives you something to talk about at dinner; favorite trips is a great conversation topic with strangers…”

      Then I got to the part about all the logistics falling on you and that just seems like a blueprint for frustration. (As the person who plans things in my family.) I suggest laying out a skeleton that works for you and your initial trip-mate–the trip YOU want to do–and letting them know they can work within or around that outline, but you aren’t holding their hands through explaining what the options are for Saturday morning, the pluses and minuses of each, the sub options that arise from each choice… Just hand back as much of that as you can.

    5. Dan*

      This sounds miserable, TBH. I do a lot of travel, and am a bit of a planner. But realistically, getting stuck with trying to plan “the trip of a life time” for a bunch of people you don’t know? Not my idea of fun. ‘Cause, if you’re anything like me, you’re going to want people to actually enjoy the plans you’ve created. (Not force them to, but it’s not fun if people are miserable doing things you’ve planned.) And yet, this is actually your vacation, which you should expect to enjoy. As an introvert, having to be “on” with strangers in areas I’m not comfortable with is the making of a good time (for me at least).

      If I were you, I’d cancel and plan to do your own thing, if that’s an option. I travel on my own a lot, and IMHO being able to do what you want, when you want, where you want, because you did or did not want to is way underrated.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        This was a form of torture on The Good Place–Having to plan a baby shower for a woman you don’t know, but somehow you’re completely in charge and if you forget anyone’s name you get an electric shock.

    6. The Cosmic Avenger*

      All of the logistics for planning have fallen on me…

      Says who? The ones who invited people you don’t know without asking you? Talk about rude! You cannot be made to be responsible for other people. We choose to be responsible for family and close friends, but these people are rude, inconsiderate strangers. If you have to go along with it, tell them you’ve bee planning a trip just for you and [good friend] for [as long as you’ve even mused about it], and if they don’t want to go along with YOUR plans they are of course more than welcome to make their own!

    7. Lily Evans*

      I’d honestly just ditch them. I’m assuming you’ve probably already paid for airfare (or other means of travel) and accommodation, but get your own room at least if you haven’t already, and then just do the things you want to do yourself. I actually made friends with someone in a hostel in Paris this way. Her friends were being crappy, so she just left them and ended up having a great time doing her own thing.

    8. Hannah*

      Yeah no.

      I’d tell my friend “Hey, you know what? This trip has become a circus and unfun. I don’t think I can travel with all of these people and still have a good time. Let’s try again another time when it is just us.”

    9. Not So NewReader*

      Hmm. This is YOUR trip. They are invited on YOUR trip. This means they will be doing the things YOU want to do. If they don’t like your activities they can make alternative plans because… it’s your trip. Did I mention they are on YOUR trip??? ugh.

      I have been fortunate enough to be invited on a few trips with people. It was no surprise to me that we did the things THEY were interested in. Sure, we would do little things here and there that were of specific interest to me but mostly I did what they planned. Food and bathrooms were not negotiable. If I need a little snack then I need it. Likewise with a bathroom but that one is more obvious to people.

      Tell them this is the plan. If they wish to do something different on any given day you all can meet up later on after doing your activities. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for anyone’s happiness. It’s up to them to make the best of it.

      As for the person who complained about X, tell him you are providing free travel agent services. Complainers have to pay for one of your meals.

      1. Dan*

        The absolute worst is initiating a trip, getting things planned around other people’s desires, having them back out, and then getting stuck with a trip you don’t really want.

        My solution is as you’ve hinted at: Plan your own thing. If people want to come along and join you, then great. And if they don’t? You’ve got a trip you want to take.

        I get lots of vacation, am unattached, and have no kids. I’ve got the flexibility to travel a bit, and if I had to always plan around other people, I’d go bat sh!t crazy. I plan what I want, and sometimes people come, and sometimes people don’t. Either way I’m happy and have fun.

    10. fposte*

      Love the username!

      Good on your friend for sending that message; now you make sure you internalize it and keep it going. This is a bigger version of a meetup in a bar; you are not responsible for coordinating orders, making sure people’s drinks are good, etc. They just showed up. So I would arm myself with useful responses such as “Cool, let me know how that goes!”, “It’s your trip–do whatever you like!” and “You’d need to talk to the hotel about that.” (“Why are you telling me?” is also fine, but it sounds like that isn’t your style.) I’d also go for planning and activities terminology that says “I” or “Friend and I” rather than a general “We.” So the answer to “What’s up for tomorrow?” is “I’m going to the botanical gardens.” It’s also fine, if somebody says “Oh, that sounds great, let’s all go” to say cheerfully “I’m all planned out, so I’ll leave that to somebody else to arrange.”

      It’s also fine for you to plan some time that’s specifically for you and your friend to hang. “Tomorrow’s special catchup time for me and Jane, so don’t worry about including us. We’ll meet you for dinner.”

      1. Jennifer Thneed*

        Agree with this, and I add: If you’re going to Thing and then people want to come along, that’s fine, but you’re sticking to your schedule. If you want to leave at 9am, right after breakfast, but a tag-along wants to take a shower after breakfast, oh well! You’re still leaving on *your* schedule. Remember, they’re tagging along on YOUR trip. You don’t have to (and shouldn’t) accomodate them.

    12. chi chan*

      This is a disaster in the making. If you cancel this now and go on your own you might be able to salvage this friendship in a simpler form. But if you go on the trip you will resent your friend for hijacking your trip of a lifetime with his demanding guests. Cancel and go on your own. You didn’t sign up to be a tourist guide.

    13. Cher Horowitz*

      Excellent advice by everyone that I do not want to repeat. Just wanted to wish you good luck in whatever you decide to do and do update us!

  36. ThatGirl*

    Guys. It’s very cold outside. Like January below 30 with serious windchill. I live near Chicago so while we get winter, it doesn’t usually arrive quite this early! Brrrr.

    1. KayEss*

      I know, right? My wedding anniversary is on Monday–we got married (here in the Chicago area) a few years ago and it was around 60 degrees at the time. I guess the “unseasonable weather” pendulum has to swing the other way at times, but I was hoping to go out today and it’s cooooooooold.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Yeah, our anniversary is late Oct and it was 60 on our wedding day. At least the sun came out but I wasn’t ready to need scarf, hat and gloves.

    2. Tris Prior*

      It’s too early for this! I hate it and am not coping well at all. I recently lost some weight, maybe that is why I am feeling so unbearably cold already?

      I don’t want to go through 6 more months of this.

      At least the snow didn’t stick in the city near the lake.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Yeah, not much is left on the ground here but it was brutal walking the dog this morning. At least the sun was out today.

  37. Bluebell*

    Columbus travel tips? Not the typical tourist destination but ny sisters and I are going for a long weekend in early December.

    1. Libervermis*

      I was just there this summer, and while things like Jeni’s Splendid Ice Cream may not be what you’re looking for in the winter, it is indeed splendid and delicious. Also enjoyed the Columbus Museum of Art, which is free on Sundays ($5 parking if you drive to the museum).

    2. cat socks*

      In what area of town are you staying? If you like shopping, Easton Town Center has a lot of shops and restaurants.

      The German Village area is nice. If you like pizza, Harvest Pizzeria is delicious. Watershed Distillery near campus has great food and drinks.

      Dublin on the northwest side has a lot of newer restaurants in the Bridge Park area.

      1. Bluebell*

        Staying in Short North, but I grew up in Upper Arlington. Moved away 40 years ago and this is my first time back.

        1. cat socks*

          Welcome back! If you like craft cocktails, Denmark has a great drinks menu. The Pearl is a good place for brunch and the North Market is a fun place to wander around. Enjoy your trip!

  38. Doc in a Box*

    Anyone else doing NaNoWriMo this year? I haven’t done it since I was a student, and was worried about writing 50k words in 30 days while also working full-time, but it’s been going surprisingly well. I started to worry that the story would be finished well before 50k words, but I’m at 28k as of this morning and just threw another obstacle at my protagonist that will keep me going for another 15k at least!

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      Good for you! I’m standing at about 17k, which is pretty well right on target and I’m pleased with that considering I’ve had an especially rough and busy last week. I’m looking forward to having a couple of days off here and there and for things to slow down a little bit for me so I can focus more, though.

    2. OyHiOh*

      I’m a NaNoRebel :-D

      Finished a drama project I’d been plodding through for two and a half years

      Started to clean up a little one act and decided it’s perfect for full length treatment (I sorted out the source of tension, previously lacking) so I’m tackling that now. Odds are, I will not finish it this month but it’s a fun project to start wen “everyone” is writing.

  39. Trippychick*

    My 13 year old daughter has been diagnosed with an eating disorder, Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID). In early August she began to experience stomach pain when she ate. We’re still not sure what is the cause of the stomach pain, whether it’s anxiety or something medical that hasn’t been discovered yet (she’s had lots tests done). In order to cope with the stomach pain she began to cut out foods from her diet and to eat less and less, to the point where she only will eat a handful of foods and she’s lost about 25 pounds. She’s being admitted inpatient to an eating disorders clinic on Monday. Anyone have experience with ARFID or inpatient at an eating disorders clinic and can offer some suggestions or hope? I also have a 12 year old daughter who is devastated at the thought of being apart from big sister.

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Have they tested her for gastroparesis?

      My sister started having issues with getting sick anytime she ate when she was 14, ended up losing a ton of weight and basically survived on Boost and applesauce for nearly a year before they finally diagnosed her with that and started a treatment plan that worked.

      To be honest, I’m not sure the eating disorder treatment is going to help until they discover the underlying cause of her physical symptoms.

      1. Trippychick*

        Thank you, I’ll look into that. We want to still go down the medical path while she’s in the eating disorders clinic. We don’t know if it’s a medical issue causing the stomach pain or something like anxiety.

        1. Detective Amy Santiago*

          Good luck to you all. I know how difficult it is to have a problem like this and not know the cause.

    2. Steve*

      My experience is different, in that my friend has an odd form of celiac, but I can appreciate the feeling of a list of 8 foods that are approved. He ate based on the Paleo-AIP diet, and in his case he did end up feeling a lot better. Which may not be helpful to you, but if there is a chance that it is related to food choices then know that Sarah Ballintyne (spelling?) has done a lot of research and my friend (a nerd who likes to research things) found the AIP list was most useful.

      Best of luck – I can only imagine how difficult and worrisome this might be.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Oh my heart goes out to her and to you.
      Can she work with a protein drink or electrolytes so she is getting something into her?
      I bet younger sis is devastated, especially with not knowing what is wrong that only adds more upset.
      I hope they figure this out very soon.

      1. Trippychick*

        Thank you for your kind words. She refuses to drink any protein drinks or things like that (she thinks they all taste awful), so that’s been part of the problem that we can’t get her weight to stabilize.

        1. Courageous cat*

          Soylent is my favorite meal-replacement drink and is meant to taste more neutral than anything else, though I hear great things about Cacao. Definitely different from other protein drinks and may be worth a shot.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          You can get organic food flavorings at the health food store. My practitioner recommended vanilla flavoring.

          Yeah the protein drinks taste like flour and water. Not the worst thing in the world but definitely not enjoyable either. Adding food flavorings might help.

          I am now seeing electrolyte drinks in fruit flavored waters at the health food store. They look pretty good, but I have not tried them.

          It might be worth it to check some of these things out with her. It sounds like she may have problems with the lining of her stomach. I had problems at one point and eating was not enjoyable at all.
          I am wondering if soups or veggie drinks in a blender would be easier to digest and she would be more receptive to drinkable meals.
          Because my teeth are so misaligned I am supposed to run my food through a blender and drink it. I basically don’t chew. This teeth problem causes digestive track problems. When I do actually do blend stuff I can feel the nutrition going right into my body, because the food is broken down enough for my body to absorb it.

        3. Autumnheart*

          It’s a lot easier to put a protein powder into a regular shake than to find a protein shake that tastes good, especially if weight gain is the goal.

          I personally use Muscle Milk protein powder. It tastes the best of all the ones I’ve tried and will mix pretty invisibly with any other shake. You can even mix it into instant pudding. You can buy it at Target and other vitamin/fitness supplement chains.

    4. Rhymes with Mitochondria*

      Never heard of that but I have a relative who describes herself as a “vegan, gluten free, paleo, macrobiotic, fructose and cellulose free Ayurvedic eater” and I have never seen her eat anything. Ever. I have always wondered what she DOES eat.
      And now, I am wondering about her having this…
      I hope your daughter is able to figure out both her stomach pain and her eating disorder.

    5. Chicago Anon*

      Are her safe foods working for her? I have IBS which manifests mainly with pain and belching, and a low-FODMAP diet does wonders for me. But I look like the most godawfully picky eater and before I learned about FODMAPs I just never could figure out what was going on. I agree with Detective Amy, it’s important to figure out the physical symptoms, and I’d make sure the clinic works on that rather than on “treating” a “disorder” that might well be physical. I wish your family well!

      1. Trippychick*

        Her safe foods work for her in terms of stomach pain but she eats so little of them and they have so little calories (chicken, strawberries, broccoli, grapes, tomatoes, pretzels) that she keeps losing weight. Last time she was weighed a few days ago she was down to 88 pounds and she’s 5’3”.

    6. It’s all good*

      Yes my teen had pain and diarrhea for years. Turned out it was an allergy to corn and corn by products. You’d be amazed as to how corn is everywhere Her migraine frequency was also cut significantly. Good luck I hope they figure it out soon.

      1. Trippychick*

        Good to know, thank you. Allergies are definitely something that I want to figure out. She was supposed to have a GI scope and colonoscopy this past week but she wasn’t able to tolerate the prep. How did they figure out about the corn allergy?

      2. Alice Ulf*

        Ack, I doubt that you’re still looking at replies to this, but my mother suffered for about two years with the same symptoms (including extreme weight loss) and she, too, has turned out to be allergic to corn and corn byproducts. She would go through months essentially experimenting on herself–reducing her foods down to a low number of things that seemed “safe”–but corn syrup/starch etc. is so prevalent that she would unintentionally eat something that included it, get sick again, and have to start the experiment all over again without being able to identify the problem ingredient. I would definitely encourage allergy testing, if you can manage it.

    7. Anon Person*

      I would strongly suggest allergy testing. In addition to having environmental allergies (pollens and animal danders) I was surprised to learn that I suffered from a variety of food allergies which were diagnosed using the conventional allergy skin test. In retrospect it made perfect sense, I’d get stressed out at work and then have some fast food or something frozen or some easy-to-fix packaged food containing things that I was allergic to, which I would have a bad reaction to (usually cramps and diarrhea). So then I stopped eating because it seemed like everything I ate made me sick.

  40. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    I’m running the Philadelphia Marathon in eight days. At least I hope I am! I was riding really high after feeling great in the Brooklyn Half Marathon three weeks ago (other than some left knee discomfort), but last week’s final 20 mile long run knocked me down several pegs. It took me nearly 3:40:00 to run 20 miles, which was not really unexpected. My main concern is that my knee started to feel a bit sore about 9 miles in, sort of went in and out with discomfort, and then really started barking around mile 17-18. The good news is that the soreness went away after 24 hours, which suggests to me that if I have an injury, it’s only slight at best.

    I’ve been running very conservatively (tapering) since then and hoping for the best. But if I had any expectations for the marathon before, they’ve basically evaporated. I went from hoping to finish strong to just finishing, period.

    A part of me thinks this may not be a bad thing. I tend to set unrealistic expectations for my races and I think the best marathon I ran was my first one in 2007, when I had hardly any expectations at all and ended up wildly exceeding what I thought I was going to do. On the other hand, I was 27 then, and I have a lot more mileage on the clock now.
    Either way, I think I’m going to need some luck next week!

    2. LGC*

      (tl;dr – LET ME, A GUY WHO ONLY RAN HIS FIRST MARATHON THIS YEAR, TELL YOU, A GUY WHO’S RUN 5 MARATHONS AND LIKE 5 BILLION HALF MARATHONS, HOW TO RUN A MARATHON.)

      First of all – good luck! If you want, post your tracking info! One of my friends is running Philly, and another is pacing for the half.

      But…like, I hope you’ll be fine? Easing off is DEFINITELY smart, especially since this is about the time you’d be tapering anyway. I’m not sure if you run with a knee brace, but consider trying one this week to see how it feels. Knee stuff can be serious, though – I’m not sure if you have a history of knee pain, but if you’re able to, I’d say get it checked.

      On training: I kind of posted about this, but my training for NYC was a roller-coaster with some very good weeks and some really bad weeks. On my really good weeks, I was pretty easily able to hit my goal training splits, and exceed my goal race splits. On my bad weeks, I…had problems staying within 30 seconds of my goal mile time. (And to top it off, the bad weeks just happened to be peak training.)

      (To explain for the crowd: I was trying to run 2:50, which is 6:29/mi. I did a lot of my “marathon pace” training at 6:20/mi to account for a hillier course than where I was training. For a couple of weeks, I had problems staying under 7:00/mi. So, yeah, I had a pretty significant drop-off in what I was able to do.)

      Honestly, as stupid as it sounds, my usual approach has been to aim for the moon regardless. I had a rough time, but enough else had gone right (where I broke out of my slump coming off peak training) that I did feel confident going for it. And hopefully, you were able (or are able) to do something that boosted your confidence! The tricky part is that you’re close enough that you should be resting, but I think what really set me back on track was…having a good workout. Barring that, you had a good race at Brooklyn (about a month out) and while you had one long run that went poorly, at least it was just that one long run. (I’ve learned to forgive myself for bombing a workout every so often.)

      Also, look at it this way: from what you’ve mentioned, you’re probably a 4:30 marathoner. Looking at the FAQ for Philly, the course requires you to maintain a 16 minute per mile pace – meaning that the course is open for 7 hours (16 x 26.2). Worst case scenario, you have 2 1/2 hours of headroom before they kick you off. What I’m saying is – I’m pretty sure you’ll be able to finish!

      (And you’ll definitely look better than me finishing. Like, all my friends sent me photos from mile 21 on, and my response has generally been, “thank you, but please burn these and murder everyone who saw these photos because I look like absolute death.”)

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Thanks so much for this. My wife suggested a knee brace, too, and she’s almost always right about everything. My big hesitation is that I’ve literally never worn one, and all the advice is not to try anything new just before the big race.

        Ironically, I’ve had minor trouble with my right knee – though only twice, once in 2009 and again in 2016. That one has been totally trouble-free during training. This is the first time in my life I’ve felt anything in my left knee, at all. In normal day-to-day life, I don’t feel a thing; in my shorter, mid-week runs I haven’t felt anything either. At this point I’m going to continue to take it easy and hope for the best, unless something drastically changes.

        I have mixed feelings about posting my tracking info. On the one hand, I was glad that you and Justin posted yours, and I did look, so I feel guilty if I don’t! On the other, several of my coworkers religiously use AAM and I’m afraid of outing myself. (Then again, they know I’m running this race, so I guess the damage is probably already done!) If I don’t post tracking info, I promise to update, good or bad.

        1. LGC*

          Honestly, it’s…something that is really up to you. I try to avoid trying new gear before races myself, and with something that significant, you’d probably want to get somewhat used to it. I can’t tell you how to handle it, except to hope that things at least hold out long enough to finish.

          (And honestly, it took me a long time to decide whether or not to share my bib number on here. Like, I think I got asked the week before and I spent the week going back and forth! So there’s no pressure from me.)

    3. runner*

      This is totally unasked for advice but especially when I’m training hard and I have knee pain it’s my piriformis and my ITB. Have you been foam rolling? Maybe even a sports massage would be helpful. I would be weary of a knee band if you don’t have experience with one because it could pull your muscles in a way they are not used to, which may be painful (even if it in fact keeps everything in its right place).

      In any case, good luck! I did the half a few years ago and they had the best post-race food. And I like to remind myself that the point of all this is to have fun, so have fun!

      1. fposte*

        Or tennis ball. I’m actually a big fan of knee sleeves, but as a lifelong player in the patellofemoral weirdness game, I find a strong and relaxed upper leg and hip are the most helpful things.

      2. CoffeeOnMyMind*

        I get where you’re coming from – I injured myself 2 weeks before my first marathon and couldn’t run it. 18 weeks of training, gone! I was so frustrated. But I knew if I tried to run it would make the injury worse, so even though I was not happy about it, pulling out of the race was the best thing to do.

        Backing off is a good idea, and pay attention to how your knee feels when you are running. I hope you’re able to do the race – good luck!

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          I have three more short runs before the big race (Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday) and I will indeed monitor myself closely. I think I’ll be OK, to be honest, but we’ll see.
          But if not, I really wanted to do the marathon just so I could do some really great long runs in my area. So I’ve kind of already won. I’m sorry you had to flush your first marathon after all that training!

          1. CoffeeOnMyMind*

            Thanks. It took me several months to recover – my injury was worse than I’d thought – so not running the marathon turned out to be the right choice. I still showed up on race day to cheer the runners on, and that was fun. One lady even ran the marathon barefoot! Total props to her. I hope your knee is okay and that you have a blast on race day!

    4. CheeryO*

      Good luck! Hopefully the knee pain was just one of those one-off aches and not a sign of anything major. I’m sure the taper will help a lot even if it is an actual injury. I’d bet big money on you being fine on race day, and you can take some well-deserved rest after if it’s bugging you.

      And FWIW, I ran Philly in 4:30ish in 2015 and had a hoot – there will be plenty of people around that pace!

  41. Boo Hoo*

    Thinking I have to head to the walk in this weekend. My hip has been bothering me but it is terrible today I can barely take the pain. I broke my femur many many years ago so I have plenty of pain and figured for the first few weeks that it was that but I just cannot take it anymore. I’d prefer to go to my doctor but it always takes forever to get in with him, then he will send me somewhere for an xray a week later, then somewhere else a week later, then then then. I am not going to take day after day after day off work to solve this. I also really hope I get an answer and not just “here are some pain meds”.

    1. WellRed*

      Go to the walk in. You shouldn’t have to be in that much pain and hopefully it’s a relatively simple fix.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      Do you have a walk-in that’s for orthopedic issues? We have one here called “urgent ortho.” I find it more useful for things like this. If needed, we use the regular walk-in for illness, but urgent ortho for falls and things like that since they have all the equipment there.

      2. Boo Hoo*

        We don’t but that is interesting. I am planning to go Monday, just with out schedule this weekend. I can walk around and do what I need but certain movements hurt so bad. Can’t really even imagine what it could be. I just hope they don’t just say “have some pain meds and move along” because a.) I hate how they make me feel and b.) I want it solved not to be drugged. I truly can not even imagine what is going on though.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Ours is part of the an orthopedic practice. It’s not separate like a regular walk-in. You could try checking orthopedic offices in your area, unless you already know there isn’t one. Good luck and feel better!

          1. Boo Hoo*

            Thanks. With Tri Care id need a referral if that existed, I looked it up. So exhausting figuring out this insane since it’s new for me. I know insurance very well after many years of working with it, better than most, but Tri Care baffles me constantly. I can’t even manage to log into the site no matter how many times I set it up. Have to have husband log in. Also where we moved is a smaller town and getting into any doctor takes months. It’s truly ridiculous. Makes me want to pull my hair out, but if I did that it would take months to get an appointment for my bloody head so can’t. Haha

    3. Koala dreams*

      Try to see a physical therapist. They might be able to help you with the pain, or at least help you with what you can do in the meantime while waiting to see your doctor. Physical therapists do manual treatments and exercise programs, so no meds. Good luck! I hope you get better soon.

  42. Nervous Accountant*

    I was at work on Wednesday when my husband told me that two trucks speeding through our neighborhood rammed in to our cars that were parked and caused a lot of damage. One was rendered undriveable and had to be towed. That’s my baby, the one my father got me. I called insurance right away and had it atken care of. I’m so mad at this.

    Obv the drivers won’t get caught and we’re stuck with the headache of this bullshit. and yeah, alot of my hurt is b/c this was something my father gave me. I know the universe doesn’t give a shit and bad things happen to everyone but im mad

    Then the other day I fell down the subway stairs. My left big toe hurts. Looks fine but I’m walking and not putting pressure on it.

    1. Kathenus*

      Check to see if any of your neighbors have security cameras. They might have footage of the trucks that could help find the drivers. Sorry you’re dealing with this.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        We did that, no one has anything.

        Even the police was gobsmacked that two cars from the same household were destroyed and were asking my husband (i was at work, he was at home) if we had any enemies.

      2. Nameless Wonder*

        You are having no end of shittiness this year :( I’m so sorry something else has happened. Just adding insult to injury with it being a car from your dad :(

    1. Loopy*

      The fish I rescued from being eaten? He’s still alive! I don’t think I’ve taken much to being a fish owner (feeling a bit guilty about that), but I keep him in a clean tank and well fed! Not much to report other than I’m surprised he’s lasted about 6 months for being a Walmart beta.

      1. Myrin*

        That’s the one!
        I can totally understand feeling like that, and I honestly think that makes it even more admirable how well you’re taking care of the little guy.

        1. Loopy*

          I’m a lifelong dog owner so I always feel like I’m neglecting him by not interacting with him. And I literally cannot figure out where to put a bigger tank so it can be heated (if I try to heat a two gallon I think I’ll boil him), so I get angsty about that (plus omg cycling a new tank suuuuucks). But he’s definitely on a regular water change schedule and gets fed well!

          1. Slartibartfast*

            A betta’s natural habitat is literally a puddle. They’re very hardy, which makes them great for kids and a heater is nice but not really necessary. They also prefer no aerator, if there’s a cluster of bubbles at the top of the water that is a good thing. It’s basically a nest for the female betta to lay eggs in. You can get all inclusive 2 to 5 gallon desktop tanks fairly cheap.

          2. anon24*

            If you’re getting a Betta tank they make heaters that are under $10 for them. I have used them in gallon tanks and they work fine – just remember to unplug when summer comes (I cooked my sorority tank when it randomly got warm and was 90 in my apartment on top of the heater). You really only need a heater if you keep it cold inside – you’ll notice the fish gets sluggish.

  44. WellRed*

    Been trying to get back into gym habit and just test drove one slightly more convenient to my home (none are inconvenient though). $100 enrollment fee, $49.95 key fob activation, $39.95 monthly membership with 2 yr contract. The WTF kicker: A $50 annual fee payable in 2 installments in Aug and Jan. Maybe I will stick with World Gym.

    1. Dan*

      My office has a gym. It’s a god send. $5/week, no additional fees. Plus my insurance policy reimburses $200/year in gym fees. Effective cost: $1/week.

      TBH, I’m not even sure why they charge a fee. We do have contracted fitness instructors that are there full time, so perhaps the fees are an accounting thing to pay them.

      But I don’t know what I’m going to do if I leave this job (unlikely, but you never know.) I have zippo problems getting to the gym 3-5 times a week after work, but once I leave that building? I can’t be bothered to use the treadmill in my apartment complex.

    2. Nervous Accountant*

      Is there a planet fitness near u? $10 a month $30 annual fee. No contract. It’s a good beginner gym

    3. Someone Else*

      Are these are Chuze in your area? I’ve found them extremely affordable and lacking in bs fees. However if you need something with very extended hours it might not work for you.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      Good gawd.

      My city has several gyms affiliated with the Parks Department. They don’t charge that much and you can either pay as you go (like $5-7 a whack) or buy a pass that makes each visit a little cheaper. I’m hoping I get this job I interviewed for since it’s near my old work, which is near the gym facility I favor, and I would be able to use the indoor track in winter again.

    5. Trixie*

      Most places will have a membership special towards the end of the year and January. I’d be looking waiting on those specials or places that don’t require a contract. Sometimes it’s just a matter of getting through the winter months until spring and it’s easier to be outdoors.

      1. Kuododi*

        Im a member at my local Y. My particular location is 5 min from the house. (If the traffic is horrible). The facility only opened right at two years ago so everything is still shiny and new. They additionally run regular specials where one can sign up and the $50 registration fee is waved and they will work with you on a sliding scale if the monthly fee is an issue. If cancellation is necessary, the Y only asks 5 days advanced notice. I’ve been very pleased with the services and it gives me just enough push to get off the couch and out the door to work out. My latest lab results (as of last week) were dramatically improved so I guess I’m going to have to keep pushing off the couch and over to the Y. ;). Best regards.

    6. Boo Hoo*

      Now that my heart rate issue looks like it will be resolved (woohoo because lying down and having a 140 HR is nuts) I need to get back. The frustrating part is that we moved to BFE and the closest gym isn’t that close, let alone one I want to go to. We also are down to one car right now, not bothering until we move since I’m not working, so it has to work with my husbands work schedule or I have to drive him daily (no!). I really want a treadmill at home but right now there’s no where to put it. Must figure something out. I used to go twice a day, it was less than a mile from my house. Another reason I don’t like this place we moved. Everything is inconvenient. Can’t wait to get out of here.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Sheesh… at that rate you could buy a piece of equipment every year and build your own.

  45. Friendless in the City*

    Anyone else have trouble making friends? Ever since college ended and we all moved to different parts of the country, I haven’t been able to make real friends. I’m really close to those college friends, but we only see each other once or twice a year. It would be great to have a friend here in the city I live in, and I’ve tried! I go regularly to this fun, free fitness group that meets outside. There’s usually about 30-60 people and we talk and laugh there. But when I go to the social outings, I’m always left sitting like an outsider while they talk and laugh about things since they’ve been friends for years. I also joined a social dancing club and go dancing every Thursday. Again, we talk and laugh while dancing but I get ignored at the bar area. This repeats over and over…book clubs, co-workers, hiking groups, every Meetup group I’ve tried etc. I just don’t get it. I don’t have Resting B*tch Face, I don’t talk only about myself, I’m not offering unsolicited advice all the time, I’m not painfully awkward, or any other obvious things. What do you people do to make friends!?!?!

    1. Doc in a Box*

      Making friends post-college is really hard! It depends to some extent what city you are in (the Seattle freeze is real!) but it sounds like you are doing all the right things. How long have you been going to these groups? Sometimes it takes several months before they get to know you as a person and now just a random fly-by-night. I feel like that’s a big issue with Meetups in particular, where the flake factor is so high.

      If there’s someone in the fitness class or the dance group or whatever that you have good conversation with, maybe ask them if they want to get coffee sometime or go to X upcoming-and-related event? It can be tough to do this without seeming like you are asking them on a date, but sometimes smaller group activities can be better for getting to know people.

      But basically, give it time. College is this super intense time where your social life and your work/school life is the same for four years. The post-college/post-grad school world isn’t like that.

      1. The Person from the Resume*

        This! Ask someone to a friend date like coffee and get to know them one on one.

        Possibly even be vulnerable and admit that you’re trying to make new friends. I haven’t done this but a couple of friends did this to me. I was happy to get to know them better.

        1. Reba*

          Yes, I would add that I have had success with actually saying the words, “I am trying to make new friends! I’m going to go Coffee Shop on Saturday, would you like to come hang out?” Just looking the awkwardness in the face and acknowledging it. Identify some folks you see regularly at the meetups that you would like to know better, corner them (gently) and try to make plans to see each other outside of the meetup. It’s hard.

    2. WellRed*

      How long have you been in new city? Need more time? Try smaller groups? Literally sit there with a pleasant and open smile and expression?

    3. Kathenus*

      I’m with you, it’s hard. I am professionally extroverted but socially introverted, if that makes any sense. I love the definition of extrovert/introvert relating to how you recharge – with people or alone, and I definitely need alone time to recharge. That and pets that want and should get attention make it way too easy for me to be a homebody. I have a handful of friends but none I really feel like I could call anytime to go to a movie or dinner – they are more people that we’d do something like this with occasionally as a preplanned thing, not a spur of the moment. I know I need to take more control of this and join some groups and such, but like you when I do I have a great time and fun socially interacting but nothing has come from them outside of the activities themselves. So I wish I could give you answers, but I’ll be following other replies for ideas myself. I empathize with you, though.

      1. Washi*

        I have a decent number of friends in my city and I still only have one friend who I really do spontaneous things with – everyone is just too busy for “let’s watch a movie tonight!”

        100% of my friends are from college or my first job, where I was part of a cohort of 25 other people around my age. I have absolutely no idea how people make friends as adults. I’m an introvert and need to spend a fair amount of time around other people to warm up to them and them to me, so I’ve never had good luck at activities or volunteering.

    4. Hannah*

      It’s very very hard as an adult.

      After graduation, I’ve pretty much made only two real friends. One was because we were put together in a room for a weekend workshop and we really hit it off. (Sadly that friendship fell apart about four years in.) The other was a roommate I found on Craigslist.

      I graduated twelve years ago.

      Just recently I’ve managed to kind of make a friend, through work. This is really the first person I’ve clicked with in seven years, and it is STILL hard. It’s been a year since we started hanging out occasionally outside of work and I’m still feeling like the friendship is new and fragile. I still struggle with “Does she really want to be my friend? Should I ask her out for a drink even though I was the one to ask last time? Am I being too pushy and eager?” It’s just hard when you are an adult.

    5. CoffeeOnMyMind*

      I have the Meetups app, which finds group events in your area. It’s specifically designed for meeting people. I highly recommend it.

      1. Rebecca*

        I keep checking back on this, it seems like the groups are all pretty far away from me (I’m in rural central PA). It’s so hard to meet people!

      2. Rebecca*

        Case in point: I found one group within 25 miles, an outdoors group, but no meetups. I think it sort of went by the wayside, because the last meetup was in July 2018. There is a group 10 or so miles away, but nothing that I would be interested in. At all. My church has almost all people who are 20+ years older than me (I’m in my mid 50’s).

      3. Friendless in the City*

        Yeah, I’m on the Meetup website. And there are a ton in my city. But, as I said above, that is what happens when I go to the groups. Even the one I go to twice a week for almost 6 months now!

    6. Loopy*

      I found it so much harder because people tend to have more outside of work obligations. Even kids or families aside if it’s a younger crowd, people have errands and chores that didn’t exist in college. Buy groceries and cleaning my space, and meal prep and laundry suddenly seem to cut into my more limited free time and it cane be hard for people to do as much social things.

      I know this doesn’t help but I’m posting to say it’s not necessarily YOU that makes it harder. It’s just a reality of life! I know I rarely am up for a happy hour and weekend things are usually limited to every other weekend for me. I hope the perspective helps at least in the sense that you are wondering what you’re doing wrong!

      As for me, I’ve found what I consider a friendship has changed- I don’t necessarily need a friendship to include lots of one on one hang out time, but rather texting, doing special occasion stuff together, sharing news/events I think they’d like, going to people for advice, etc. seem to help me feel closer to people even with limited schedules.

    7. Anonanonanon*

      My husband and I moved to a new city where we knew no one. The way e ended up finding friends was through regular D&D sessions. Starting at the local game shop, we met dozens of people; eventually a few friends groups formed.

      Not everyone we met was for us! But one of those groups has been meeting every other week, ever since — over a decade now. People we met through gaming are godparents to our kids, have provided endless free babysitting, have worked on our house, had us over for holidays, you name it. We’ve done the same for them. Without our gaming friends, e wouldn’t have any friends in our “new” city.

      The structure of D&D is what worked for us, but I think any regular meeting would do, especially one where people have to work together to accomplish a goal. Volunteering, theater, improv, choir, band? I think it helps that in D&D, people have to work together and be social in order for the party to meet its goals.

  46. Be the Change*

    Love of the week?

    Mine is a power sander. I am repainting my bathroom and patched a lot of places, so got a $25 sander to help. Magic! Thank goodness I didn’t have to use elbow grease. Now I’m eyeing furniture that needs refinishing.

    Hate of the week – kidney stone, sigh. How depressingly middle aged. Fortunately it’s very tiny and made me feel miserable for one day, and drinking gallons of water seems to have helped a lot.

    1. WellRed*

      Hate of the week. Nasty stomach virus took me out if commission one day. Could do nothing but suck on ice. So, so thirsty.

    2. KarenK*

      My new leafblower! I broke my wrist a month ago, leaving my poor DH with the fall clean-up duties with no help from me per my orthopedic surgeon.

      Hate? My broken wrist!

    4. Canadian Natasha*

      Love: My landlady! She lent me her humidifier and offered to get groceries for me because I was sick. With the humidifier on, I slept through the night last night for the first time in a week.

      Hate: Stupid flu-like viral infections that won’t go away!

    5. Elizabeth West*

      Hate: COLD IT’S COLD AAAHHHHHH

      Love: My big thick Gryffindor scarf I got at the Warner Bros. Studio Tour. Also, loads of beautiful leaves falling off my tree. :)

    6. Loopy*

      Discovering that if I cook diced/chopped fresh apple pieces in my morning oatmeal (along with applesause, cinnamon, and raisins) it makes it 27023924 times better.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Have you tried overnight oatmeal? Rolled oats, milk & yoghurt, fruit & spice of choice, and seal it up in a mason jar for at least 8 hours. Heat in microwave and it’s done. This is my newest love — helpful for me because I start my day earlier than the others in the family!

          1. Robin Q*

            I don’t find it particularly mushy-you can adjust the milk/oat ratio, and I also add chia seeds which I think also absorb the milk. I go off the ratios from the blog Cookie and Kate and find it perfect, but not sure what would be too mushy for you!

    7. OyHiOh*

      Food processor hack

      Discovered this weekend that putting my beaten eggs into the food processor, setting it on low, and drizzling hot custard base into food processor ends with perfectly smooth custard and no curdled egg bits.

  47. Teapot Translator*

    Book thread? I like knowing what other people are reading so that I can put more books on my to-read list.

    I just finished Murder at the Old Vicarage by Jill McGown. I liked it well enough to check out her other books, but the point of view changes were confusing, in the ebook version anyway.

    1. Red Reader*

      The Emperor of All Maladies by Siddhartha Mukherjee – it’s a history of cancer, essentially, both human understanding of the disease and also treatment research. Fascinating. There’s a Ken Burns doco based on the book with the same name on Amazon Prime streaming, also very well done.

    2. Jen RO*

      I just finished Elevation by Stephen King. I am a big King fan, but I didn’t like this one. I didn’t hate it either, it was just very forgettable.

        2. Rebecca*

          I found it free on my eBranch2Go library – there’s a waiting list and I discovered this after I already bought it!!

    3. annakarina1*

      I’m reading The Best American Science Fiction and Fantasy 2018. I’m really into sci-fi short stories, and wanted to read some new ones. It’s fun, mostly good stories, a few I skimmed through. I’ll likely check out The Cruel Prince by Holly Black next for my book club.

    4. Marion Ravenwood*

      The Girl On The Train by Paula Hawkins (a million years late, I know). For those who’ve been living under a rock, it’s about a woman who develops a drinking problem when her marriage breaks down, and who ends up getting drawn into a murder investigation after a woman living in a house she passes on her train to London every day goes missing. It does feel a bit ‘yes, how many more sensationalist things can we throw at this?’, but it’s well-paced and a quick read, so I’m enjoying it so far.

      1. Gatomon*

        I am just wrapping up The Handmaid’s Tale! I watched the show first, and I think I enjoy the show better. But the book is good.

        My next book will be the second of the Dark Tower series, The Drawing of Three.

            1. Rebecca*

              Exactly. I’ve read all of Stephen King’s books – got caught up about the time he wrote Wizard and the Glass, and read them as they were published since then – and the most amazing thing to me was reading “The Shining” and watching the original movie. Uh….what just happened here? I would like to see an update of “The Stand”, as in, how the plot would shake out with all the social media and instant communication we have now.

              1. Elizabeth West*

                I read it as it came out. I’ve had a crush on Roland Deschain for many years. He’s my literary boo. :3

                The last time I read the series, in 2016, I realized something that blew my mind. I saw two cars around that time that would have been perfect for the can-toi to drive around (or Ted Brautigan’s low men in yellow coats). And do you remember when Song of Susannah came out, how people were really dissing the metafiction thing of King inserting himself into the series and saying he was being an egomaniac? When I saw those cars, it hit me that if King wrote the story, and he was unknowingly in his story, I could also unknowingly be in it. MIDWORLD COULD HAVE BEEN RIGHT THERE THE ENTIRE TIME.

                Which, when you think about it, is actually a brilliant use of metafiction and not an ego trip at all. :)

    6. LCL*

      Just finished The Witch Elm by Tana French. Many of her faithful readers didn’t like it; it’s more of a character study and examination of a past incident. Some of the underlying themes are fate vs luck, the benefit of being born to a prosperous family, and how past wrongs and unaddressed violence can rebound through the years. It’s not action packed like her Dublin Murder Squad books. One of the criticisms is that the main character is shallow, but he has a brain injury and can’t remember things, his actions and motives seemed very real to me. I LOVED it. It ends gloomy; I felt afterwards like I felt after reading Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy.

    7. tangerineRose*

      “Ill be mellow when I’m dead” by Dave Barry. I’ve read it before, and it’s very funny.

    8. Foreign Octopus*

      I finished Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng the other day – I enjoyed it but I preferred her first book.

      I’m currently reading Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes. I’ve never read it before but I’ve got a good idea of what’s going to happen in it.

      I’d also like to thank whoever gave the recommendation for the Broken Earth trilogy by N.K. Jemsin (?) last week – I’ve just ordered the first book and I’m looking forward to sinking into it over Christmas.

    9. Extra Vitamins*

      I just finished Horrorstor, by Grady Hendrix. It’s like a cross between House of Leaves and an IKEA ad. I recommend finding a paper copy, if you want to try it. There are a bunch of things like maps that the electronic version (or maybe my reader) didn’t handle well.

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Someone here (I think) suggested Patrick Rothfuss “The Name of the Wind” and I just finished it. Loved it so much I’m antsy for the library to open Monday so I can check out the second book!

      1. Bulbasaur*

        Unfortunately he has a touch of George R. R. Martin syndrome (long gap between books, ambitious plot arc that doesn’t seem like it can realistically be covered in the stated number of books…) So try not to get your hopes up too much for an ultimate resolution. There is at least one more volume to enjoy before you need to worry about that though.

        The good news (maybe) is that having read book one and met Auri, you now have the necessary background to read his side project, ‘The Slow Regard of Silent Things’ – although, as he says, you might not want to. It has no plot to speak of, only one real character, and lacks a lot of things normally considered essential in a work of fiction. Auri (as you may have gathered) lives in a subtly different world that operates under different rules, and the book is a long form exposition of the characteristics of that world and what it’s like to live in it as Auri. If you are willing to let go of your expectations and are intrigued by the idea of exploring differently-shaped cognitive universes from the inside, then you might enjoy it. It’s certainly likely to be very different from anything you’ve ever read before, which will be either a very good or very bad thing (and you can find reviews online representing both viewpoints).

        Personally I loved it beyond all reason, although I have difficulty explaining exactly why.

    11. Bluebell*

      Providence by Caroline Kepnes. Sort of a combo of romance plus Lovecraft. Creepy but a quick read and I liked it.

  48. Nervous Accountant*

    Thanks everyone for the input last week (and all previous weeks).

    I finally decided to look for therapists/mental health help. That was an interesting process. Challenge was to find any openings within my work neighborhood that would accept my insurance and available within the month. I use an app (not sure if its OK to say the name here?)

    I was able to book 3–the first one emailed me the next day and said they don’t accept my insurance and even their sliding scale fee is too much for me, despite my filter of finding providers who accept my insurance. I complained to the CS of the app, and the office that they need to update their records.

    The second one I booked will be with a Physician assistant, the Dr himself won’t be available until before Christmas.

    The appt is Tuesday.

    To be honest, I don’t even know what to expect out of this.

    I can’t talk about anything, my dad, the thoughts, my mom, without crying or tearing up so I don’t know how productive it will be.

    I’m already prescribed xanax for occasional anxiety which is working fine for me so I’m not expecting any changes or additions to medications.

    I don’t know of any other resources so I welcome input on this. I’m open to online counseling as well.

    1. Zona the Great*

      Crying is okay. Sometimes you spend the first session just ugly crying at a stranger. It’s okay.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Yup! One of the best things about grief therapy for me was a safe place to just have a “come-apart,” with zero obligation to put on a brave face, hold it together, power through, try not to scare anybody, etc etc. – I could just cry it all out.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      The therapist should keep talking with you even though you are crying. Tears are a form of processing and they are aware of that. Best wishes that this works out well for you.

      1. Natalie*

        I mean, what exactly “productive” is will vary depending on what’s bringing you to therapy and what actual goals are. Sometimes you know what your goals are, or at least what you’re trying to not do. Other times there’s a precipitating incident and you start with that, and perhaps it leads you and the therapist towards what’s productive. In my experience you usually spend the first session talking about what brought you to therapy and they talk a bit about their style, and maybe then you have a conversation about whether the two are compatible.

        You can also ask them this question, pretty much in exactly the words you’ve used here.

      2. ThatGirl*

        The therapist will help guide you. You should leave feeling like you have an idea of the direction sessions will go, and whether they are a good fit. It will be more of an overview/assessment than a full blown dive into therapy. Ask questions, answer theirs, give them an idea of what brought you to therapy.

      3. Villanelle*

        The therapist will have a chat with you I’m sure. The first time you meet is usually an intro/welcoming one. You may not like their style for example or something.

      4. Reba*

        Maybe you could prepare a list of questions… you are looking for treatments or strategies for ongoing stress, dealing with grief, and a difficult family situation. I would ask the person what style of treatments they do, how long it might take/how long a course a treatment might be (obv that is just an estimate or range, but you’re asking basically what to expect from treatment). You could even prepare a statement summarizing your situation that you read, or hand to her — that might help you get through the initial emotional overwhelming/crying bit (not that you can’t cry. You can cry).

        Is the PA working under a psychiatrist? I will note here that often, not always, psychiatry practices focus on finding and maintaining drug regimens, and the Dr’s may do only short check-in visits after the first few consults — not long sessions where you talk about your problems.

        If the kind of treatment their practice offers doesn’t seem to be what you want, ask them if they can help refer you to someone who can do what you need.

        Good luck. I’m glad to read you are starting to pursue mental health care. Unfortunately it can sometimes be a long process to get to the right person.

    6. Kuododi*

      I can tell you from what I do in my initial appointments with new clients there’s a great deal of information gathering on both our parts. I have a fairly standard regimen of questions I need to get answered:(some to keep insurance happy, most towards gathering information to aid in formulating a treatment plan.). My new client would have time to ask any questions they need to for their comfort level. This may take the first session or two in order to complete. Perfectly fine if someone needs longer to answer questions… some topics are more stressful/upsetting than others. If you are seeing a PA, they are required to work under supervision of a Psychiatrist. (It varies from state to state the specific level of supervision.). For example, in my jurisdiction, a PA has to work in the practice under supervision of the psychiatrist, with the MD signing off on treatment plans. As far as crying during new appointments…. don’t sweat it…. I promise your therapist has seen crying before and it’s the beginning of change for the better in your life. :). There’s no such thing as “doing therapy the right way.”. As long as you are getting your goals and needs met, than you are doing great! Best regards and happy for a positive outcome on your journey.

    7. Nervous Accountant*

      Idk. I have to pay $50 copay for each visit. I don’t want this to be a waste of time. Sometimes I think I have 8 million things wrong w me and idk where to begin. Then I thjnk I’m normal and no worse than anyone else. .

      1. Kuododi*

        Those are typically the “brain weasels” trying to convince you that you “really don’t deserve to be treated well” or that there are others who are “struggling worse than I am …..” What you need to attend to in therapy is just as important as the next person. As far as the$$ I wish I could tell you there is a magic remedy for the current state of mental health care in the US. I have discovered that if you are able to have a flexible spending account, those funds are typically allowed to be spent on therapist and psychiatrist copays. I’d also suggest contacting NAMI. It’s a long shot but they might be aware of resources to help in your situation. Best wishes. Feel free to contact me through Alison if I can help with resources or leads in your particular area.

      2. chi chan*

        Try Moodgym. Its an online therapy tool focusing on CBT. But it does get you to answer a lot of questions initially so you can identify problems

      3. Woodswoman*

        I’m glad to hear you’re going to see someone. I’m wondering if you can reframe this from something that might be a waste to seeing it for what it is–a gift and kindness to yourself. You don’t have to go in with any agenda other than you know you need, and deserve, help. Even as someone who has seen a counselor in the past, there have been times when I don’t honestly know what compelled me to go, I just knew I needed help.

        A good therapist can help you steer and guide you on a path that you choose together, even if you don’t know where to start and where you’re going. It’s courageous to seek out help, and that’s something to be proud of.

        I’m glad you’re sharing your journey here. Many people are rooting for you!

  49. Orphan Brown*

    I’d love to hear from graduates of foreign language immersion schools in the U.S. and how that has impacted your education and life later on. I’m considering a French immersion school for my kid starting in kindergarten, and I can imagine a lot of positive benefits of fluency in another language at such a young age, but I’d love to hear a more well rounded perspective of what the impact really is. The kindergarten tour they give us and current families that speak to us only speak of the benefits (of course). For example was your grasp of English and essay writing negatively impacted? Did you excel in other ways? Thank you!

    1. Felicia*

      I went to French Immersion in Canada and i imagine it would be the same because this isn’t a French speaking part of Canada.

      I did it Kindergarten to grade 12. The first year they introduced English (grade 4 here) we were a bit behind the other kids. But I’d say literally everyone, even the kids whose parents didnt speak English, caught up and even oftrn surpassed non French Immersion kids. I also noticed that there were a higher percentage of French Immersion kids on the honour roll than non French Immersion kids. We had English with French Immersion kids and non French Immersion kids mixed since grade 9, and in my grade 12 English class I got 95%. I also went to university for Media Studies so my English wasnt negatively impacted at all.

      I don’t know what other negative impact people are concerned about, but as an adult who went through it, I didnt have a negative impact. There may be more doors it opens up in Canada though where French is an official language (that where I live in Toronto few people actually speak).

      I remember my parents were concerned about being able to help with my homework but ai always needed most help in math which is just numbers and I think if a kid needs excessive homework help you should talk to their teacher.

      I heard French Immersion education varies even within Ontario but hopefully that helps! Having gone through the whole program i would 100% put future hypothetical children in French Immersion.

      1. School Inclusion Specialist*

        Just my 2 cents on the French Immersion vs. non Immersion honor roll comment–From my observations working in a school with an immersion program, the kids in the program had parents who are in general more privileged (ex–they have the time to research various school programs and take the time to enroll because they aren’t working multiple jobs). So the program could have made students better students, but it could also be due to the self-selecting aspect of the program.

        1. Felicia*

          Based on my schools only – the majority of students were from lower income families that qualified for free lunch, single parent worked multiple jobs, as well as quite a few children of recent immigrants. Thats because it was in a lower income neighborhood. My family when i was a kid was lower income, though they arent currently. I think in Ontario French Immersion is just really well known especially in larger cities with French Immersion schools everywhere. And i dont think it’s any different to register for French Immersion thsn it is to register for any other public schools, but as a non parent I’m not sure.

          Based on your spelling of honor, I’m guessing you’re in the US , and i would guess such schools are probably more rare/less well known? Or even in provinces where French Immersion isnt as popular.

          Can only speak to my school which was the opposite to what you describe, I think primarily due to the neighborhood demographics, although I do wonder if that’s true as a whole here.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      I also went to school in French and English (I am francophone in a part of Canada where French is not spoken a lot) and I agree with Felicia. As a teacher, I can tell you that students who are multilingual and who go to school in multiple languages tend to be stronger writers. They also tend to pick up subsequent languages more easily. It’s more than just language, it’s learning about another culture, and being able to be flexible in new situations.

    3. Anon Teacher*

      Hello, I am not a graduate from an immersion school, but I am a 1st grade teacher in a French/English bilingual primary school (50/50 division of the languages). I may be biased, but hey, I am not trying to sell you my school. :)

      I think the learning of a second language can only help your child’s grasp of English and writing. It may lead to certain mix-ups in the short term (a child may place an adjective before the noun in French, for example, or after the noun in English, mixing up the grammar rules). But, a lesson about adjectives in both French and English can only enhance their overall understanding of the grammatical concept in the long-term.

      One potential negative is that certain students shut down during class when they feel like they don’t understand what is going on because of the language barrier. Of course, my job as a teacher is to make sure that doesn’t happen, but some students have such a fear of failure/sense of perfectionism that attempting something in a foreign language is just too scary. This happens often at the beginning of the year for new students but tends to self-correct during the course of the year. Some parents worry at the beginning of the year because their child is just soaking things up and not producing language, but this is a normal part of the process!

    4. Roseberriesmaybe*

      My friend who went to such a school found it good, she is fluent in both the school language and the majority language in my country (which she spoke at home). However, she wanted to study Geography in university, her favourite school subject. She would have had to relearn all the Geography definitions and vocabulary in the majority language, so she ultimately decided not to. That is to say that there may be some drawbacks in learning specialised things that would not come up outside of school.

    5. School Inclusion Specialist*

      I’ve taught at a school that had an immersion program. I think in general that it’s a really good thing. It may appear that there are some delays with skills in English, but those work themselves out. IF you do enroll, make sure you are also reading to your child in English at home as well.

      That said, make sure your school screens for learning disabilities before enrolling. If you have a family history of learning disabilities, I’d strongly consider not enrolling your child.

    6. Reba*

      I didn’t go to an immersion school, but a school where French was taught from preschool (small PreK-5 school run by French sisters). I remember that when I entered middle school, I was much more advanced in French than what they were doing! It has impacted my life in that I think it has made be a better reader/grasper of languages, made learning other languages easier I think, and finally just by having a good grasp of French I have had opportunities for study, travel and work that would not have been open to me without that.

      1. Reba*

        I should add, my spouse attended school in Japan for one year as a kid (not an immersion school as such but they lived in Japan and he and sibs went to a regular Japanese school). He had no problems adjusting back to English–he wasn’t behind his age level. In Japan, he spoke Japanese fluently, at a child’s level of course, and even wrote his journal in Japanese! He can’t read it now, though :)

    7. Kuododi*

      I did not go to an immersion school however in my school district as a child Spanish classes were a part of the gifted and talented program in my area from 2-12th grade. By the time we were in 6th grade the instructors were conducting the entire class in Spanish. Turned out that I had an aptitude for language so once I got into High School I took opportunities to volunteer in the community as a health care interpreter. I continued studying Spanish in undergraduate, and my first Masters degree. Every job I have held both paid and volunteer has been bc of my background in Spanish. I never found Spanish to be a limitation in studying English. I was able to communicate using both orally as well as the written word. The only “issue” I ever ran into with languages was in grad school when I was taking voice lessons as a hobby. My teacher would have me work on Italian Opera pieces. Between my brain taking in the information about song lyrics and music notes and producing sound from my diaphragm/throat there was a short circuit. I kept “transposing” the lyrics from Italian into Spanish. Needless to say we had some good laughs while I was learning those pieces of music. I’ve been able over the course of my career to have the honor of providing counseling services to men, women and child immigrants from a multitude of different Spanish speaking countries. I will never pretend to be able to understand all that my clients have lived through, however it has been a joy and privilege each time I am briefly allowed into their world.

    8. Drago Cucina*

      My son attended a preschool through kindergarten Italian school when we lived in Italy. He had no problems transitioning to an American school except for some cultural aspects. His English skills didn’t suffer. Unfortunately he wasn’t able to keep his language skills. Most Italian-Americans we knew didn’t speak Italian, but only a regional dialect.

    9. curly sue*

      My partner was in partial French immersion in Quebec and has varied feelings about it. His classes were conducted in French except for one subject (English class) per day.

      He says: “The problem I had with that was that the learning I had to do for the subjects anyway was compounded – I had to learn the subject and the language for it at the same time, and that was a hindrance. It gave me problems later when I was trying to speak English to people on things I’d learned in French, because I didn’t know the vocabulary in English. I never became spoken-fluent in French – I can understand it very well, and follow conversations, but never achieved the confidence to become perfectly fluent. Not in class, anyway.

      “I learned how to speak French from friends and living in Montreal – I learned French in spite of immersion rather than because of it. I also still struggle to write well in both languages (at almost 50). That being said, I did get a good grasp of formal French. French immersion is used in our (non-Quebec) area as a means of challenging smart kids, since there’s no advanced-enriched-gifted programs, but I didn’t want ours going. I found it more of a problem than a solution.”

      (He’s also asked me to point out that there were cultural issues between English and French speakers in Quebec in the seventies when he was in school, and so some of his attitude towards French immersion is definitely coloured by the politics of the time he was in it.)

    10. Anon Anon Anon*

      I didn’t go to an immersion school, but I was introduced to other languages young – one at home and one at school beginning in kindergarten. It was a very positive thing for me and I wish I had gotten more earlier. The hardest part of my experience was that the spoken languages were introduced before any spelling or grammar. So for a few years, I had weird ideas about how things are spelled in French and German and I still butcher French spelling now that I’ve gone a while without using it. But I’ve been told that my pronunciation is very good, especially in French. And I think it gave me advantages with writing and learning languages.

      From what I’ve seen, language learning is kind of like math or navigation in that in comes easily to some people, and there are some people who struggle with it. I don’t know how much of a difference that would make with young children in a full immersion setting because young children’s brains naturally pick up languages faster. But I could imagine it being a better fit for some kids than others.

    11. SRRPNW*

      I am not a graduate, but my 4 children attended Spanish Immersion from K-5. My comments are for my program, others might be different.

      Pros: Learning to speak another language (the big one), a consistent group of kids through grade school.
      Cons: Lack of flexibility if you have a child that has special needs ( I had two who were extra bright and bored, and two that were very bright but with anxiety and undiagnosed Aspergers). Not using our neighborhood school required much more driving time to/from school and friends weren’t local. Curriculum was weaker because it hasn’t been developed enough in Spanish to match the curriculum requirements of the district.

      They did have programs that continued on through middle school and high school. My kids did not continue in the program because of the special needs aspect. In the long term I believe learning a second language really stretched the language part of the brain in a good way. One kid fell in love with all things Norwegian and studied it in college and it came easily. Another took advanced Spanish classes in high school and as a result didn’t have to take more language in college (which was good for her because she had absolutely no interest in languages). I think they also got much more multi-cultural exposure at a young age. None of them use Spanish now. Sort of sad for me because I loved studying Spanish and would have really liked to have the opportunity they did. Oh well, kids are all different.

  50. Jen RO*

    How do you find a foundation that matches your skin? Are you supposed to match your face or your neck or neither? How are you supposed to do it in the crappy lighting they have in beauty stores? How do you know if it’s a good or bad foundation? Why are undertones so complicated? My veins look both greenish blue!

    A couple of years ago I made a sort-of-resolution that I would try to stop hating the feel of foundation on my face and it has worked somewhat, but I ended up with 3 foundations and a BB cream, all of which looked OK in the store but now don’t match and/or look cakey and/or oily. I’m in my mid-thirties and, which I have good genetics, my skin has started to look less-young and sometimes I’d like to feel fabulous. Right now, foundation just makes me feel self-conscious.

    1. ScotKat*

      I don’t like foundation much and I switched to a tinted moisturiser, which actually isn’t ideal for me as my skin is fairly rubbish and prone to break-outs, but I decided to stop caring about that if I could, as foundation never really worked for me and always dried my skin out. I’m using Bobbi Brown’s tinted moisturiser and it’s much better, although I do have to combine with a bit of concealer. It’s just less ‘cakey’, although I hear there are other, better foundations around…

      I basically went into the shop and asked the assistant and she put a bit on my chin and advised me what looked best. Not always 100% reliable, but it seemed OK this time!

      1. Jen RO*

        I got matched in Douglass (I don’t know if it exists in other parts of the world? It’s kinda like Sephora), but the light was crap and I don’t think the salesperson cared very much. I also had a friend help me choose a foundation in Sephora, but that also looked off when I got home…

        Most of the time I don’t care about makeup too much – mostly because I couldn’t get it to work for me and I gave up. (I have hooded, downturned eyes and learning to work with them just sounds exhausting, so I never seriously tried.) But I want to have the *option* of looking good from time to time!

    2. Jessen*

      Are you perchance a fairly pale person? I know I’m what’s called a “pale olive”, which is light skinned but with gold undertones rather than red. And foundation is a pain.

      1. Jen RO*

        I honestly don’t know! I used to think my skin tone was on the darker side of white… but then I tried “medium” type foundation and it was way too dark and I got super confused.

        This is my skin in natural light (but a cloudy day): https://imgur.com/1BGLQED.

        Most of the foundations I’ve tried look too orange, but I am shit at this undertones thing and I don’t know what this means.

    3. Bluebell*

      Go to Sephora if you are in the US and let them help you! Also there are a few websites that can help you find matches in other brands if you know what works for you in one brand.

      1. Jen RO*

        I’m not in the US, but we do have Sephora… I’m just not very confident it will help. I lurk on the /r/makeupaddiction subreddit and everyone seems to know their MAC “color” to get recommendations of other brands… but I just (irrationally?) feel that if I go into MAC or Sephora I’ll get laughed out the door for not looking polished enough. Also, the idea of going and buying *another* badly matching foundation… ugh.

        (I also seriously don’t understand how they can match anyone in that lighting!)

        So basically I am hoping the internet can troubleshoot my problem. So far I’ve tried matching the foundation to my neck, but my friend says I’m supposed to match my face and just blend a lot around the neck? I dunno.

        1. ainomiaka*

          Sephora is super good about working with beginners and not laughing you out of the store for not looking polished. I go in there about half the time polished, half the time having put absolutely no effort in. Do the actual appointment where they match you if you want efficient, don’t just go in and try stuff. It’s free for just foundation matching. They have a weird scanner thing for your neck that for me was really really good about undertones, though how good the automatic recommendations for darkness/lightness was varied. They will do a full makeover if you buy $50 worth of stuff, which I have also had really good experiences in terms of teaching-I said I wanted to get an explanation of how they did stuff and it went well.

        2. Dr. Anonymous*

          If they laugh you out the door, they can’t have your money. I agree with bringing a friend to the store, having them put a sample on your face, and then taking your face away from the store to where good light and mirrors are before you buy anything. Takes a few trips, but then you’ll know. I find “too orange” on me means too dark, but that’s just the start.
          I skipped this step in New Orleans just a month ago and got a bad match. ALWAYS take your face away from the store before you buy.

        3. TheTallestOneEver*

          Sephora will typically create a sample that will give you a few days worth of product to test. That way you can try before you buy – even though they have decent return policy if you buy something and don’t like it.

          1. Reba*

            Yes I was going to say that the benefit of Sephora or a beauty counter is that they will make up samples, which you can then see how they perform in different settings before buying.

            Some people, like myself, have quite different coloring in the face, neck, and chest, so it can be really challenging to find a match that matches where it’s applied (face) and also looks reasonable with nearby skin. Sheer foundations and TM’s are great because some of your real color shows through, so matching isn’t as critical. I usually do TM with concealer in places I need more coverage.

        4. Boo Hoo*

          If it doesn’t match they will return it. Just ask for a sample and try it at home where you can walk outside and see it. Also, don’t go to MAC. I don’t understand why people like that brand. It was started as stage makeup and frankly still looks like it. So heavy. I like Laura Mercier, Dior or Chanel for foundation personally.

        5. Grapey*

          I went to a Sephora for my wedding makeup and they have some device they put up to your face and it calculates the exact code matching the colors of different brands of makeup they sell.

          The makeup was pricier than drugstore of course, but it stayed better and worth it for someone to get me the right color match.

    4. A.N. O'Nyme*

      I’m not an expert, but I think foundation at least needs to match your neck close enough so that it blends in, so to speak.
      Otherwise you’ll be like my classmate who bought the wrong shade of foundation and ended up having to apply it to her boobs (in class, for some reason), because it stood out really badly.

    5. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I have a comparable problem. I went to the makeup counter (researched “good” foundations for my age/skin type before I went). Had her do my color(s) and then a friend and I went to lunch… and looked outside during the daylight. Both sides were awful. Went back, cleaned it off, and did it “again.” I’m very pale (and anemic, working on that). What worked best for me was at (YMMV) a Lancome counter, from someone “with” my coloring. She not only matched me, but put together a little trial bottle for me to take home (with the exact details of what it was) so I could be sure I liked it after a week. Ask for a sample to take with you and try the next day.

      1. Jen RO*

        Can you tell what your coloring is? I am literally looking at a website that shows various skin tones and explains their undertone… and I have no clue which is closest to mine. I think I need to talk to my artist friend, she may be able to figure this out better than me..

        1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

          I have very pale skin and dark blonde/ light brown hair. I think it has kind of a bluey undertone, and the dark circles under my eyes are really purple. For some reason, most of the foundations seem to go peachy… and it does not work. Not necessarily advocating Lancome, but I am advocating a counter that is staffed by someone with some experience. And taking the sample home.
          The friend I took has an artist’s eye (paints, does decorating professionally). She’s the one who called out the orange in the sunlight. I was ready to give up. Be rested.

    6. Makeup Addict*

      I always say to match to the skin on your jawline, and check it in natural light. Do NOT trust how it looks in the artificial store lighting! Test it, and then go outside into natural light and check it. And then wait an hour and check it again – some foundations oxidise once in the skin and go orange, which can take one that matches well when first put on into one that looks far too dark. You want one that disappears into the skin when applied and that doesn’t oxidise on you.

      Bad foundations go on patchy or streaky, don’t blend well, sit on the skin and look cakey and make-uppy. They can disappear quite quickly, or separate and look oily and weird on the skin. They can also emphasise texture, lines etc on your skin. Good foundations blend into the skin easily, look smooth and cover texture, and leave your skin looking flawless.

      Undertones are complicated because everyone’s skin really is different. Your best bet is to test a number of foundations and find which colours work for you. If you have access to a Mac counter or store, they can colour match you and that colour can help you find equivalents in other brands (a lot of sites will tell you what shades in other brands equate to each Mac shade). They are better if you are warm or cool than if you are genuinely neutral, though.

    7. dumblewald*

      I wore drugstore makeup for the longest time, usually going for foundation that is one shade lighter than my face. Recently, I was just browsing through a Blue Mercury shop near me and thought I would ask one of the staff there if she could recommend me a foundation. She managed to find one that was EXACTLY my skin tone and gave me a sample. I’ve used it twice, and it literally looks like a liquid version of my skin, except more velvety and smooth (that sounds weird, I know.) This is remarkable bc I’m mixed-ethnicities and there is a lot going on in terms of shades and undertones.

      So asking someone for help in one of these shops might work!

    8. foolofgrace*

      I match my neck. Crazy as it sounds, I love Kristofer Buckle Triplicity Foundation Stick from QVC. It blends so smoothly and looks terrific now that I match my neck. The thing about QVC is you can return anything even if you’ve used it, so you could try couple of colors and return the one that doesn’t work. (Verify that this is still in effect.) Although this foundation is so good it matched first time for me. I’ll definitely be reordering. He makes the best eyebrow stuff I’ve ever used, too.

    9. HannahS*

      When I wanted to buy foundation because I had an interview, I walked into Sephora and said, “I need a foundation; I often have trouble finding ones that match my skin. I want something on the cheaper end.” It took the woman about a minute and she got it right on the second try. I’m now convinced that trying on your own is a fool’s errand!

    10. ElspethGC*

      Undertones based off veins is a mess. Never worked for me. What *did* work for me was using jewellery (if you gravitate to the look of silver against your skin, you probably have cool undertones; vice versa for gold and warm undertones) and using red lipstick. Even if you don’t wear red lipstick, swatch two on your arm – a warm and a cool. Googling “warm vs cool red lipstick” brings up some good comparison images. Warms are more orange-y, cools are more berry-y. It’s pretty likely one will just look better against your skin tone. I never knew my undertone (my veins are blue, green *and* purple!) until I went to buy a red lipstick and went “Why does this look so terrible on me?!” It was a warm red. Bought a cool red and it looked just fine. Ergo, I have cool undertones.

      As for the other questions… I’ve never actually been professionally matched, I’ve always just gone for the palest possible shade. Still usually too dark come winter but that’s what I get for being translucent. Cosmetics companies hate very pale people and also anyone darker than white-girl-tanned. I swatch foundations along my jawline then go chill in a cafe or something for half an hour before I check them in natural light – give them time to oxidise darker etc.

      What’s your skin type? Oily? Dry? Always look at reviews online that are tailored to your skin type. Something that’s tailored for oily skin will wreck dry skin, and something dewy for dry skin will melt off an oily face in no time. Cakiness also has a lot to do with other products – moisturiser, primer, the powder you use afterwards, the products you apply it with.

      Makeup is mostly trial and error, and it sucks.

        1. Makeup Addict*

          I just bought this foundation on Friday and am testing it out. So far the colour match is great, but I’m not sure I like the formula – it’s heavier and cakier than I like. Need to try it with some different primers to see if I can make it work.

    11. Ron McDon*

      I love powder foundation – I don’t like the feel of most liquid foundations on my skin, and powder foundations feel like you don’t have anything on. I use Jerome Alexander Magic Minerals all the time. I got it from a home shopping channel, because you can return make up even if you’ve used it – I got fed up with buying foundation from shops which looked ok in the shop but not so good when I applied it at home!

      My other go-to is Mally Flawless Finish Transforming Effect Foundation (link to it on QVC UK here, but you can buy from other places). https://www.qvcuk.com/Mally-Flawless-Finish-Transforming-Effect-Foundation.product.230756.html?sc=Froogle&ref=fgl&source=froogle&cm_mmc=PPCSHOPPING-_-Google-_-Shopping-_-Beauty&utm_source=google&utm_medium=base&utm_campaign=base&gclid=Cj0KCQiAw5_fBRCSARIsAGodhk_dnu1hvFgZT0nldiCb2uV3NWimk1up-eeZezEFfOhoowNBdA34KpgaAoaCEALw_wcB&amp;

      Your skin looks a bit like mine – very pale – and I find lots of foundations are too orange or dark. This foundation works for me, lasts well, and doesn’t go cakey or orange.

    12. Minta*

      There are already some great recommendations here. I agree with checking color at the jawline in natural light after letting it sit for a while so that it finishes oxidizing (if it does in the first place). Also, places like Sephora or Nordstrom, or wherever that let you go home with a sample are essential.

      Obviously, I’m viewing your photo on a monitor, so I know I can’t rely solely on that, but your skin appears to be pretty neutral–not particularly cool or warm. If you have trouble with peachy results, it sometimes means you’re trying foundation with pink/red undertones on yellowish skin. Keep that in the back of your mind.

      Just as color is important, coverage/texture is too. Full-coverage, matte foundations (like HudaBeauty Faux Filter and Estée Lauder Double Wear) are very in right now (how a coverage level becomes popular, I don’t really know), so I think you’ll want to stay away from them. The condition of your skin looks great in the photo. I say look for sheer to medium coverage, with neutral tones. Laura Mercier Tinted Moisturizer is great, but it’s very sheer. My favorite foundation is Bobbi Brown Skin SPF 15. It has buildable coverage. Have you tried the Foundation Finder on Sephora.com? It’s not foolproof, but it’s a start. It helps me know how to talk about foundation with sales associates so I’m more likely to get what I want and need.

      Prepping your skin prior to application and the method used to apply are important. Ensure that your skin is gently exfoliated and that you’ve used an effective, non-greasy moisturizer (I love CeraVe lotion) that has been allowed to sink in. You can elect to use a primer that fits your skin type or does what you want it to do (lock in makeup, provide a glowy base, hide enlarged pores, or whatever) if you want. Applying with a damp sponge, pressing the foundation into the skin gives a nice airbrushed look. Some people swear by brushes too. Start with a little and add more if you need. Easier to build than to take away.

      I wear powder to set and ensure everything blends like I want, but I hate the resulting matte, sometimes cakey look on my face. I always pat a little dewy makeup setting spray into my finished look. I use Marc Jacobs setting mist.

      Finally, if you’re looking for a fantastic YouTube makeup artist to follow, check out Wayne Goss. His tutorials are wonderful. I’ve gotten some great advice from him. I find him entertaining. He’s a bit opinionated, and that’s ok. He knows what he’s doing.

      Best wishes!

  51. Anonymous Today*

    I am the parent of a late-teens child who has been diagnosed recently with depression/anxiety. After flaming out of freshman year of college, said child is living at home again, and it’s not going well. I do not think child is taking medication as prescribed, and seems reluctant to see therapist. Child goes to work, comes home, goes to bed, repeat. Spouse and I are sort of at our wits’ end, and frankly wallowing in ignorance re: how to proceed.

    My question – what is your best book/online resource/other resource that I could read and share with spouse to understand what child is going through and how we can help? We’re at a loss. Child is above an age where we have any right to information w/out prior consent. Thank you.

    1. KR*

      Well, your child is doing the bare minimum right now and honestly I would be proud of them for doing that. They might not be able to manage school right now with their illness. I would give them some time to find their normal and be a support for them until they think they can attempt school again or move out on their own (school isn’t for everyone). It also might help them to do school part time instead.

        1. KR*

          For me therapy was a whole other step to get used to and do in dealing with my anxiety. The minimum for me is making sure I am sleeping and working and eating. Sometimes people don’t naturally want to talk when they’re upset. It’s different for everyone.

        2. Someone Else*

          Nope. Bare minimum is getting out of bed every day, showering regularly and remembering to eat. If one has a job, going to it reliably. That’s it.

        3. Catherine*

          The thing is, the onboarding process of both of those is incredibly painful. I cannot do a meds regimen for my anxiety and depression because the first few weeks ramping up to a full dose are so intolerably bad (rapid onset of: illness, sleep disturbances, appetite disturbances, headaches; often all that weakens me so much that I catch a cold or flu on top of it for my trouble) that I physically can’t stand it. If your child is having similar trouble, meds may not be a viable treatment strategy.

          A limited run of therapy helped me but it was very difficult to get on board with it because it was extremely trying to drag up all that emotional pain. Depression interferes with the ability to conceptualize a future; that often makes it even more difficult to put up with short-term intense pain for the sake of getting better “in the long run.” Please remember that your child is doing their best to function despite how much existing hurts.

        4. tangerineRose*

          Different meds may have different effects, too. One type of antidepressant tends to cause headaches the first week. So the kid might have tried something that had side effects and given up – easy to give up when depressed. I’m impressed that the kid is going to work.

      2. Anonymous Today*

        Yes, I’m frankly shocked and amazed about the work situation, that is a real improvement from a year or so ago. We are urging part-time community college and/or vocational training (child has several friends who went that route after high school and who are doing very well) but so far interest is non-existent. This is very wearing on both spouse and myself. I’m really tempted to get in touch with the therapist directly to ask for more frequent sessions.

    2. Hannah*

      Have you thought about seeing a therapist yourself? This is a tough thing to deal with and a therapist might be your best resource.

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      NAMI if you’re in the U.S. (National Alliance on Mental Illness — web site lists local/regional/county/state affiliates). They have family support groups. Friends of mine found it comforting when their young-adult child developed heavy-duty depression.

      You’re right that there’s a lot of literature out there consisting of memoirs of parents of young adults with mental illness. I don’t know anything well enough to recommend it but a search on google for memoir father of young man with mental illness brought up many items. At the top of the list was a book list on the web site of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (aacap [dot] org).

      A public librarian might be more plugged-in than I am. I hope you find information and some comfort, and that your child gets better. What you’re going through is not easy. I’m sorry you have this challenge.

    4. Dan*

      Exactly how old is your child? I sorta think it matters (maybe it doesn’t) but most people attending college are legal adults. The words you use sort of paint the picture of minor child (perhaps 16-17 years old).

      I gotta figure that what you are allowed to do/require depends on whether your child is a legal adult or still a minor child.

      Three things, assuming your child is at least 18 years old:
      1. Accept that your child is now a legal adult, whether or not he/she functions like one.
      2. Talk to a therapist on your own, it’s likely going to be a big help.
      3. Get legal advice from an experienced lawyer.

      Both my mother and my ex-wife are afflicted by various forms of mental illness. It’s friggin’ hard standing by and watching the destruction, knowing there’s little you can do.

      1. Anonymous Today*

        Kid is 19, so we have no direct access to child’s doctor or records. Therapist for my own self is definitely something I’m thinking about for sure. Thanks!

    5. Anon Mom*

      It is really good that your son is working. It is what makes all the difference for our son. He is mid-20s right now, and it has been a roller coaster, but for the most part he is doing well.

      He managed to get through high school with a LOT of support, but he couldn’t handle college. It was really bad for a couple of years (never left the house, slept all day, up all night), until he reached a crisis point and finally said he needed help. Before then, when we tried meds or therapy he didn’t cooperate, so they did no good. He would hide any medication we gave him and refuse to take it.

      We found an out-patient program at a local psych hospital that he went to daily for a few weeks, where you didn’t “graduate” until you had things under control. Because he was the one that had initiated things he really worked with the program and it helped. HE found the therapist and that therapist helped.

      He worked for a couple years and did well. He/we have found that he does fine leaving the house and being responsible when somebody is depending on him and paying him. When he tried going back to community college he failed again. Since college classes don’t require attendance it was too easy for him, with his anxiety, to skip a class. And then another, etc. So another spiral down.

      So he left school again and I told him if he was going to continue living with us he had to go to therapy regularly and see a doctor about medication. He did that, and found medication hugely helpful, as well as the therapy. He found another job and is doing very well in it. I don’t know if he will ever go back to school. I think an apprentice type program would be better for him. But he will have to figure that out.

      It has been a balancing act with trying to encourage, trying to support, yet still requiring him to take responsibility. We really did have to let him get really bad before he took that responsibility. Although we did give him a place to stay and food to eat. But he had to decide he wanted to change.

      By the way, my husband and I both went to therapy, at different points in this process, to help us through this. The therapists are really good at helping you understand what you can do, where you have to let go, and what your child might be going through. They are a resource I highly recommend.

  52. Geico holder rear ended my car*

    I loaned a car to a friend who got rear ended by a Geico holder. Looked like a minimal damage (less than 5 m/h while my car was fully stopped), no police report but when I took it in for estimate it turned out to be some $900. What are the steps I need to take now? (Never before had to deal with this) Friend only took a photo of his insurance and his phone no, no DL.
    Help!

    1. Awkward Interviewee*

      Did the person who hit your car report it to Geico? When I was rear-ended by a Geico holder he contacted his insurance and then Geico contacted me, sent me to their adjuster, and cut me a check (also for around $900, we also didn’t file a police report because police said they wouldn’t do much for under $1000 of damage). It was actually a pretty smooth experience except for the insurance adjuster making racist comments (person who hit me happened to have an Asian name… That does not call for comments about Asians being bad drivers. Sigh.)

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Call your insurance. Give them all the information. They should follow up with the other driver’s insurance, and they will tell you what to do.

    3. Gatomon*

      Call your insurance agency and report it. I’m guessing you’ll have to work through insurance unless you can contact the other driver and get them to pay for repairs themselves. Anyway you calling Geico won’t go very far, you need to have your insurance agency contact Geico. If they didn’t report the claim to Geico they may be in hot water… but well they rear-ended a car anyway.

    4. Nita*

      Get a second opinion, hopefully from a mechanic you trust. I once got into a slow-motion accident that caused minor damage to my bumper. I tried a local place and they quoted well over $1,000 to replace the bumper. Luckily I was working next to an auto repair shop. Tried them next because the guys working there seemed like nice people generally. I was told the bumper can be just plain stripped of paint, un-bent and repainted for $200. Picked up my car a week later looking like new, and have remembered ever since that if the number sounds a little out there, it’s a good idea to double-check.

      1. Someone Else*

        I was under the impression bumpers are like bike helmets, in a way. IE you’re supposed to replace them, not fix them. While it may be possible to “fix” it the way you just indicated, that’s really just cosmetic and not an especially safe thing to do because in the next accident, the bumper may not do its job adequately.

        1. Nita*

          Interesting… but considering the problem was only a golf ball-sized dent on one side and some chipped paint, a full replacement seemed like overkill.

  53. shocked anon*

    Every year when it starts to get cold, my city has an area in some of our public parks so people can donate cold weather clothing for the homeless or those who are unable to afford sweaters/coats/hats/etc. for winter. The clothing is left out in the park, so those in need can take it whenever they like.

    Last weekend, I was walking through the park and noticed a big commotion around the clothing area.

    Turns out a huge bus of tourists had stopped nearby and the tourists saw the “free clothes” and wiped it clean. They were walking away stuffing coats, sweaters, hats, and scarves in their backpacks and shopping bags, and even fighting over who got what. Some of them were acting like they needed three coats apiece or taking as much as they could fit in their arms.

    A few people were trying to explain to them and their tour leader that the clothes were for the homeless or less fortunate. The tour guide said the group was from China and they didn’t understand the notion of something being free for only those who need it instead of free to the first person who finds it. To his credit, he did tell them to stop (at least I assume, I don’t speak Chinese, but he was physically trying to get them to put clothes back).

    They took almost 100 items of clothing. There was nothing left afterwards.

    I’m so shocked. Honestly, I was speechless at how rude it was. I don’t know if this is a cultural difference, but I’m so appalled that tourists would act that way, and continue that behavior even when told to stop.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Why did a tourist bus stop there?
      Perhaps a call to the tourist bus company is an order.
      Or perhaps the clothing can be moved to a different spot away from the bus stop area.

      1. shocked anon*

        It’s an area where a lot of tourist buses stop to let people off so they can enjoy the park and see some of the sights around it. It’s been that way for years, so I don’t think they’d quit stopping there.

        The clothes weren’t near the bus stop, but further into the park. You couldn’t see the clothing from where any of the bus stops since it’s far into the park.

        But I really don’t think the solution is moving the clothes or the bus stop so much as tourists being rude. Maybe I’m off, but I think the onus is on them in this situation.

        1. Thursday Next*

          Definitely call the tour bus company. They should be letting their customers know about park customs and conduct. In very certain terms. Maybe some education about the homeless population, and how winter is a difficult time and this is a way of serving the population.

          And is there a group that organizes the collection? You could let them know, too. Maybe they’ll have some thoughts on how to manage the distribution.

        2. Courageous cat*

          Of course it’s on them but they don’t even live there so it’s not really any use trying to address that. I think more importantly it would be useful to have the clothes held at homeless shelters and given out by someone who works there. Someone obviously needs to guard them (people will take things laying around whether tourist or not, which is a big part of why being homeless is difficult, of course).

    2. Anono-me*

      Actually I think this is something where you might find it helpful to reach out to the nearest Chinese Embassy or consulate for guidance and/or assistance.

      I’ve read a couple of articles about how International tourism by people from China has increased dramatically recently and that has led to some odd situations and misunderstandings in the countries being visited to the point that some department in the Chinese government was being tasked with preparing future first time international tourists for some of the cultural differences that might be encountered.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        Yes, I read a similar article. The one I read also said that if tourists misbehaved, they would not be permitted to travel outside of China anymore, which… is a thing, I guess).

        I have also run into some of these groups and it was challenging, to say the least.

    3. ..Kat..*

      I am hoping you try these suggestions and report back to us how it went. I am very curious about the cultural differences and what would be a solution to this.

    4. deesse877*

      I am not an expert by any means, but I think it’s possible that the concept of “homelessness” might be unavailable to people who have never traveled outside of China before. Homelessness is not a transcultural universal; there really are places thAt it doesn’t exist. That doesn’t give you a strategy for addressing the problem, but perhaps can give you a new way to look at what happened and what it means.

      1. Grinch*

        There are definitely homeless people in China. I think what’s at work here is 1) Chinese culture very much values the hustle, and I can see why they’d rush to get stuff for free and 2) there is a recent boom of Chinese people who are now rich enough to afford to travel, and are not familiar with the American practice of “ignoring homeless people but putting clothes out for them”. I think you could call the tour company but not sure if this spot is the best place to put clothes out.

    5. Fish Microwaver*

      How horrible. I have seen coachloads of tourists wipe out mobile soup kitchens in my city, just because there is free food handed out. It was such a shock because as you described, the tourists descended like locusts and behaved rudely, quite unlike the regular homeless clientele.

  54. Jen RO*

    Is there a name for having trouble with estimating the passage of time? For example, I know that I’ve been reading AAM for a few years, but I couldn’t tell you if it’s been 3 or 6 without relating it to some events in my life (e.g. I remember reading something relevant to my being in Job X, which was 4 years ago). Or I know I was on holiday in location Z, but I can’t remember if it was 4 or 7 years ago. I couldn’t even tell how old my cats are, I had to ask my boyfriend! I knew that one is between 6 and 9 years old and the other is 3 years younger, but I didn’t know offhand that we adopted one in 2010 and one in 2013.

    I don’t think I have a particularly bad memory, it’s just weird in this particular aspect. Is this a thing?

    1. Nicole76*

      I don’t know if that what you’re describing is too unusual. I feel like years can often be together and I’ll be shocked when I realize it’s been five years since I last visited a place I like when it feels like only a year or something. It’s one of the reasons I keep a private blog for myself and track other events in an app so I know really how long since I last cleaned the sheets instead of a general idea that ends up being longer than I thought. I actually have a pretty good memory for the events just not the time that has elapsed since then.

    2. Enough*

      I don’t think this unusual. After all there is only so much memory we can actively retain. In my case I start with my age to remember the ages of my siblings and children. And if I really want to figure out a particular year something happened I check my husband’s calendars (decades worth) and see if there is something in there.

    3. Asenath*

      I don’t know if it’s a thing, but I have difficulty pinning down dates. I’ve always just put it down to a personal quirk, worked around it when necessary and ignored it otherwise. “Necessary” for me means keeping written records of my employment dates and medical history, “otherwise” means that I know that when I say something about a family visit “some years back” (I NEVER give specific dates unless its one of the few I really know), I take it for granted that one of my sisters, who wasn’t even part of the visit, will know the year and usually the month. She’s really good at dates and I’m not. I couldn’t tell you know when I adopted Kerry (my newest cat) – a couple of years ago? – but it was just after poor Sammy got renal problems and died which was…. a few years back. OK, I looked it up – Sammy died in March 2016 aged maybe 10 (all my cats except the first were adult when adopted so I have an excuse for not knowing their birth year). So Kerry, about a year old, moved in the following June (I think), having been held on to a bit by the shelter after I chose her (almost certainly the May 24th holiday weekend) because she had cat flu and needed to recover. See? Perfectly good work-around for someone who can’t remember dates.

      1. Jen RO*

        Yeah, this is pretty much exactly me. My boyfriend is great at dates, so I rely on him, and I definitely need to keep my resume updated because otherwise I would never be able to fill in an application!

    4. Rosie M. Banks*

      I have the same memory thing, and I suspect it gets more common if your life “settles down” in some way. I can track a lot of things from when I was in college or grad school by thinking, “Oh, and I was seeing that guy the year I lived in that little upstairs apartment,” or “That was the summer I worked at that temp job.” But now . . . I’ve been living in the same house for twelve years, and working at the same job for thirteen. How old is the furnace? Five years? Eight? I don’t know. When did I get the cats? Beats me. It all blurs.

      1. Jen RO*

        Huh that does make a lot of sense! My life is very settled, nothing exciting really happens to me. I’ve been in the same job for 8 years, with the same guy for 11, and I’ve only lived in two places during this time.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      I’m the same way. It always amazes me when I learn that X happened 10 years ago when it only seems like maybe three years. Same with months, weeks and days most of the time. Someone will ask when I did X and I’ll say “last week” when it was actually more like three weeks ago.

      I’m not good at remembering events, either. My friends and family remember that X happened in 1987 or Y happened in 1992. I’m like, “That happened?? I don’t remember that…” It’s as though I missed a huge chunk of my childhood and teen years. I hate it and I often wonder what’s wrong with me, but maybe it’s not all that unusual.

      1. Jen RO*

        I feel better knowing I’m not alone! My boyfriend has an excellent memory and it feels like my life is a blur.

        I often wonder what would happen if I had to testify in court. I can barely remember what I had for lunch yesterday! Any details older than a few days are absolutely gone forever, especially if I have to pin down a specific time.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I totally feel like my life is a blur! There are certain things I remember from childhood, but it’s not all that much. Short-term memory isn’t great, either. I think a lot of my issue, or maybe it’s the same for others that are the same way, is that my brain just doesn’t seem to store stuff that it deems to be unimportant. I feel like when something happens my brain says, “Nope, not important. She’s not going to care about this in a few years.” And then just blows it away.

          1. No Green No Haze*

            Fellow blur here.

            I just assume there’s a part of my brain that is smooth instead of groovy, and I walk around in awe of all my normal-memory-having friends as if they were superheroes of some kind. Hope I never witness a crime.

    7. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Dunno if it’s a ‘thing’, but my memory for time is definitely weaker than my memory for other things.

      Which reminds me, I need to write down that I got my cat last year. Otherwise I won’t know how old she is.

    8. TimeWarp*

      The older I get, the harder it is to pin down a time something happened. I attribute it to the lack of markers. For things that happened in childhood, the house we lived in or the school I attended help pin down a range (we moved a lot). Then there were broad time ranges like high school, college, first job, second job, who I was dating, married, divorced. Once I settled into the same job for 25+ years, it got really difficult. Now markers are often related to before or after a loved one’s death. I noticed that parents estimate time by using similar markers based on their children.

    9. Madge*

      This is me too. I’m glad to know I’m not alone. I keep track where it matters and try to anchor things I know I’ll want to remember to other big events, but otherwise I don’t pay much attention anymore. My budgeting workbook includes a page with the years, our ages and big events like when we moved, when we bought a car, when the teen graduates, etc. On another page I track the bank account balance and include a notes column so I can remind myself of big expenses. That covers what’s important and gives me a place to look it up.

    10. LilySparrow*

      Personally, I believe I am a Time Lord. I can see the Vortex, but I can’t always remember what day I’m in, or how long ago something was.

      I refer to it as being chronologically unmoored.

    11. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I do this too. I have the added bonus of being terrible at estimating short spans of time. If someone says, for instance, to do something in 20 minutes I have to know either exactly what time that will be or set a timer, because I get distracted or something.

    12. Mazzy*

      oh this is it interesting question to me, because I simply remember dates and time frames and all of it. For example, I have no problem remembering that something happened on April 14, 1992 or August 20, 2001 …. I think it’s really weird when somebody is relating a story and can’t remember whether it happened in 2013 or 2014. To me, I’ve always taken it as a sign they were lying about the story because how can you not remember just a couple years ago? But reading your question makes me question that.

  55. The Doctor*

    (I’m posting this in the free-for-all because it’s not actually about work, even though it’s at the workplace.)

    There’s one guy who insists on following “elevator etiquette” at all times and at all costs. Even if there is only one woman in the elevator and she’s standing at the back and we’re all going to the same floor, he insists that all of the men must wait so she can squeeze through us and leave the elevator first, no matter how much time it wastes. Even the original Ann Landers herself agreed that (1) it’s more efficient when those closest to the door leave first, and (2) the ideal of “equal rights” for women should include the right to wait to leave an elevator.

    1. GhostWriter*

      That would embarrass me and make me uncomfortable (being singled out because of my gender and having to squeeze past everyone). What’s he saying to get everyone to comply? The women don’t insist against not doing it?

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I would probably give him a flat stare and ask him why he thinks I’m so much in need of supervision that he has to watch me leaving the elevator. He’s being incredibly rude.

    3. Lcsa99*

      This would drive me crazy. I hate when people hold the door in such a way that they are standing in the doorway and I would hate this too. Almost as bad as the people waiting to get on an elevator that stand in front of the door instead of waiting to see if there is someone waiting to get off (or stand in the path of the exit so you have to walk all the way around them).

      1. GhostWriter*

        I hate when I’m several yards behind someone who opens a door and then holds it open for me, obligating me to then rush to the door so they’re not standing there staring at me. I only hold the door open for people who are either a few steps behind me or who might need it held open (they’re carrying stuff, they’re on crutches, etc.).

        1. The Doctor*

          The etiquette rule I’ve seen about doors is to hold it ONLY if the next person is within 10 feet (less than the length of a car) on either side of the door. Otherwise, don’t bother.

    4. Asenath*

      Fortunately, local rules seem to be that the people nearest the door leave first. There are some exceptions – someone who might be slower – using a cane, in a wheelchair or scooter, pushing a stroller or trolley of some kind – usually enters and leaves first unless they indicate that it would be easier for them if everyone else got out first and left them room to navigate. I suppose this guy is one who would dismiss her views if the woman said “No, no go ahead and get off”?

    5. Jen RO*

      Oh god I hate this. Most guys in my office building do this and it’s just sooo inefficient! I know they are just trying to be nice, but ugh.

    6. Doc in a Box*

      I had a supervisor who insisted on holding the door for me, even if I were approaching the door first and it was one of those “push” doors that made it super awkward for him to rush around and push it open at awkward poorly torqued angles.

      So in return, I started holding all the “pull” doors for him. He got the message.

    7. LGC*

      I doff my trilby to him.

      But like…he is very confused. I’m not a woman, so maybe this is lost on me, but wouldn’t it be more comfortable for all the big, burly, sweaty, smelly dudes in front of you to get off the elevator first and stop pressing their stink against you first if they’re closer to the door, rather than having to squeeze through said big, burly, sweaty, smelly dudes for sweet release? Ladies (and gentlemen), please clarify if I’m missing anything.

      Also, if you genuinely need to get off that badly, try to position yourself as near the door as possible. Maybe it’s the subway commuter in me (and even I fail at this sometimes, where I get pushed to the back – but I’ll try to adjust so I’m nearer to the correct door, at least).

    8. dumblewald*

      As someone who works in a building with elevators (and is female), THIS IS THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE. I work in a corporate building with a lot of old old-fashioned males who will make a huge deal of letting women into the elevator first (or hold open doors at the front), even if it makes no sense in terms of efficiency.

      One time, another girl and I were waiting in the lobby for the elevator. It arrived with two men exiting, and one of the guys stood in front of the open elevator doors and made this grand gesture with his arm towards the elevator as we walked in saying, “here you go, ladies” while not so subtly eyeing us up and down. Like WTF – THE ELEVATOR DOORS AUTOMATICALLY STAY OPEN. This was so unnecessary and obviously a cover up for creepiness.

      For the record, I don’t think there is anything wrong with holding the door open for people who seem like they need assistance, or even if you prefer to date Southern old-fashioned gentleman who pull chairs out for you and whatnot. But in terms of public spaces, just go for efficiency.

    9. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Tangentially related question: What do you do about people who insist on pressing both the “up” and “down” buttons for the elevator when they’re obviously only going in one direction? Particularly in a building where there’s only one elevator and they waste everyone’s time by making the elevator make an extra stop? THAT is the bane of my existence, elevator-wise. I’m probably not explaining this well, but…how do you convince them that pressing both buttons will only slow everyone down, including themselves?

      1. Courageous cat*

        Huh, I have never in my life seen this. I would probably be like “wait, just to be sure – are we going up or down?” and make them explain themselves.

        1. Lcsa99*

          I’ve seen it several times. I am assuming people think”ok, the elevator is below me so I need it to go up!” So they push the up elevator button even though their final destination is down.

          It annoys me too. The only thing that annoys me more is parents who let their kids push all the buttons and act like its funny.

          1. valentine*

            For a solo elevator, they think it will arrive as fast as possible/they are stopping it prioritizing another call. For multiple elevators, they’re going to hijack the one going the opposite way if it arrives first.

            1. Lcsa99*

              The stupid thing is that it will just stop again on their floor for no reason when its finally heading in the right direction! It doesn’t save any time.

      2. Asenath*

        I’ve done it by accident – today, actually – not looking at the buttons, I suppose. So it doesn’t bother me when others do it.

        In a different vein, I work in a building with lots of visitors using the elevators. These elevators are programmed so that if, say, it’s going down, but you get on it anyway and press the button for your upper floor, the buttons will all reset to ‘off’ when the car reaches the basement. You can tell who the visitors are because they just stand there expecting the elevator to take them back up. They need to be reminded to press the button again

      1. Zona the Great*

        I would be the one who audibly scoffs, furrows her brow in the tone of “excuse me?, and says, “no….you go” while waving my hand at him and shaking my head. So flipping off-putting. Its the same reaction I have when someone stops while in the roundabout to wave me through. That’s not how this works, pally.

    11. An Amazing Detective-Slash-Genius*

      I’m a big fan of just waiting as long as it takes for them to give up. I know that’s not always possible but it’s kind of fun to see them get flustered. If it’s not obvious that that’s what I’m doing, I just add a “go ahead” on there. Luckily I’ve never had anybody say out loud that they expect me to get off first because I’m a woman but if that happened I’d probably semi-assertively say that they must understand how inefficient that is?

  56. I'm A Little Teapot*

    Question on vet clinics. I need to find a new vet (vet tech made my kitty squeek!). One of the clinics that was recommended to me doesn’t do appointments, it’s walk in only. Except, how is that going to work? You’re not dealing with people here, you’re dealing with animals. If they’re not controlling the flow with appointments, won’t they just end up with times where it’s horribly swamped? That’s not going to be safe for anyone – you put one of my cats in a loud, busy environment and she WILL get stressed and she WILL attempt to bite someone. And she’s fairly chill!

    1. Slartibartfast*

      It’s going to be just like a human walk in clinic. If they have a lot of rooms or separate cat/dog waiting areas it might be fine, but be prepared to walk right back out if they’re busy. You’re right about the kitty stress.

    3. cat socks*

      I went to a vet like that a couple of times on an emergency basis when my regular vet was closed. At times, the wait was incredibly long. They triage the cases as they come in.

      For basic services like vaccinations, etc I would prefer a vet that takes appointments. That way I can get in and out quickly with minimal waiting.

    4. Trixie*

      Unless it’s an emergency care place, how does a clinic not schedule appointments? Yes, they could end up swamped and all the time. Most folks don’t have the luxury of waiting all day. I can’t imagine how that works.

      Also, on my second senior kitty and after several moves, I’ve learned to keep all the medical records in a binder. The next place can look at records and at a glance have an overview. If the cat is otherwise healthy, there may not be a lot to report but they can see things like vaccinations, teeth cleanings, any lab work.

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Well, I can report. I was in the area running errands and stopped in. Talked to some people who were in the waiting room. They all liked the vets and staff, and said that the walk in stuff was generally ok. That mornings were usually pretty ok, afternoons tended to be busier.

      I actually took one of my cats in, since both need to go in. I’m glad I did actually, and am even more unhappy with my previous vet. She has some pretty severe dental issues (I saw them once the vet opened her mouth, I’m not allowed to mess with the mouth in general). Unfortunately, my 19 yo cat also presented with an abnormal heart rhythm, which when combined with her kidney disease – this is really not good. I’m pissed with my previous vet who didn’t bother to look in her mouth. We’re doing bloodwork to figure out what next steps can be. She needs a dental, and taking care of that problem may help the heart problem. Just not sure if we CAN do a dental.

      Liked the vet, the staff I saw were fine. The fact that they did a full physical exam and found a couple fairly obvious problems is a point in their favor. I’m skeptical about the walk in still, but it worked fine today. Prices that I saw were reasonable. So, I’ll give them a try. There’s a couple other vets I’ve got in my back pocket if I don’t like them for whatever reason.

      1. Trixie*

        I’m glad they were able to see both of them so quickly. That second opinion provides a lot of comfort when looking at next steps.

      2. cat socks*

        I’m glad your first experience went well. I think a vet should always check a cat’s teeth. Dental problems can manifest in different ways.

        My tabby girl has kidney disease and a gallop rhythm. They did bloodwork and an echocardiogram before clearing her for dental work. I’m not sure of her exact age, but she’s over 10 years old and did well with the dental surgery. With kidney disease cats, they said it’s important to give them plenty of fluids and monitor blood pressure. Good luck!

      3. ..Kat..*

        Keep in mind that you can ask the staff what the best times to show up for minimum waiting times. Also, you can call and say, “I am hoping to bring my cat in now. What is the current wait time?”

        If you Google a restaurant, you can get a graph that tells you how busy each hour at the restaurant is. Maybe you can see this for the clinic as well?

      4. pcake*

        Glad the vet is okay!

        Btw, our 20 year old cat has some dental issues, so once a month for 5 days to a week, he’s on a very gentle antibiotic. By day 2, his breath is fresh and clean – well, except after eating salmon and shrimp cat food. Our vets have not recommended extractions for our cat due to his age and other issues.

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          The vet mentioned antibiotics as a possibility if we can’t do a dental. We’ll see what the bloodwork shows. In a way, doing a dental might be good, because she also has a cyst on her cheek that has caused a lot of problems. We’ve just been draining it periodically, but if she’s going to be knocked out anyway, I’ll discuss with the vet if its a good idea to try to remove it completely. Getting old sucks.

  57. Anonymous Today*

    My late-teens (past the age when I have access to medical records etc) has recently been diagnosed with depression/anxiety and things are not going well for anyone here. After a miserable freshman year at college, child is living at home again. Goes to work, comes home, goes to bed, does nothing else (e.g., feed pet, maintain basic domestic cleanliness standards) unless threatened (I know, that’s not helpful…) and sometimes not even then. Spouse and I are trying to be supportive but we don’t know how. Child functions well enough to get up and get to work each day, but I don’t think medication is being taken as prescribed, and therapist appts are few and far between (which could be child’s failure to schedule OR availability, I suppose…)

    My question – what book or online resource could I read and share with spouse to give us the best idea of what child is going through and what we can do to help? Thank you!

    2. Ruffingit*

      From the viewpoint of a counselor muself, get therapy for you and your spouse. Not the same therapist your child is seeing. You two need your own place to be able to vent, gather information, and figure out how to manage this. Also, depending on the area you live in, there may be a DBSA group you can attend – Depression, Bipolar Support Alliance. The groups are free and they have them for both people suffering from depression and for caregivers/family. Good luck, I know this is hard!

      1. Anonymous Today*

        Thank you, I had never heard of that group. I’ll definitely look them up. Definitely looking at therapy for myself too.

    3. Laura H.*

      Find a National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) program in your area; my mom has been going to one to help us live with my dad’s condition

      (and help us be better able to deal with the stuff he’d been taking care of now falling to us- bills, grocery shopping, appointment- making, house maintenance etc.- in an ‘it’s temporary, we have to give him the opportunity to pick it back up when he’s ready’ sense)

      It’s small but it really does help.

    4. valentine*

      Think of whatever they do as a major achievement, because it is. Stop the threats. Give them jobs that can be done whenever, or no jobs. Outsource the pet care and cleaning. When child is able, maybe you discuss rehoming the pet if none of you can care for them, but that might worsen the depression.

    5. ..Kat..*

      If your child gets himself up, bathes, and goes to work (without any nagging or prompting from you), this is good. Encouraging, even. Does your child do his own self care (laundry of his own clothes, buying his own food, preparing his own food)? Any of these he does is good. Does he pay rent? He should. And if he is not buying his own food, preparing his own food, doing his laundry, cleaning up after himself, his rent should be higher.

      Therapy for you and your spouse on how to deal with this and set limits could help you.

      Frankly, living elsewhere (with people who don’t love him, nor let him get away with not doing his fair share of the housework) might be better for him. But, one step at a time for you, your child, and your spouse.

      In case I sound too harsh, I have depression and anxiety problems myself.

    1. Enough*

      Worst-it’s too cold and too early to be talking about wind chill
      Best-Finally got the new mailbox in place

    2. Ruffingit*

      BEST: Finally getting over this infection I’ve had for weeks.

      WORST: Busy weekend. I want to chill at home, but can’t.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      BEST: I had an interview this week. Fingers crossed I get called in for a second one.
      WORST: Querying. Waiting.

      EVERYBODY PLEASE POKE THE UNIVERSE AS HARD AS YOU CAN KTHXBAI

  59. Handy Nickname*

    Green thumb advice needed!

    I got a 3-ft potted Norfolk pine that I’m planning to use as a christmas tree, but I’m not great at keeping plants alive, and I really don’t want a brown, droopy tree by the time December rolls around (and I’d like it to live for a long time afterwards too!).

    Any advice? I know about checking the soil dampness/weight, but roughly how often will I need to water it? My house runs around 75 (cold climate, but I’m on an upper floor of my building- haven’t turned the heat on yet) and I run humidifiers to keep the humidity around 40% so everything doesn’t shrivel up. Also taking other plant care advice for all my other long-suffering and slightly wilty plant friends.

    Help me have a non-dead christmas tree!

    1. Not So NewReader*

      How is the lighting?
      It sounds plenty warm for the plant so that is good.
      Do you have any fertilizer to feed it every so often?
      They do make fertilizers for evergreens, I would get a small bag of that.
      Can you lift the plant? If yes, do you see roots coming out the bottom of the pot yet?

      1. Handy Nickname*

        I have a pack of cheap fertilizer sticks that I picked up at a garden center this summer, but I’ll look into the evergreen one. It’s in my living room, which has a south/southeast facing patio window for lots of light. I’ve been leaving the curtains closed while I’m at work, but I can open them if that would be good the the plants. I can’t see any riots coming out yet, but it’s a pretty big pot (prolly 12 in?).

    2. Blue Eagle*

      The Norfolk pine in our kitchen will turn 21 on New Year’s Day. It has mini lights and ornaments year round. We water it once a week. Put a plastic pan underneath the pot so that any excess water can run into the pan – the soil then reabsorbs the water as it needs it. It is in a place where it does not get any direct sunlight and not much indirect sunlight either, so I wouldn’t worry too much about the light issue.

      We repotted it about a year after we received it in the largest plastic pot with drainage holes available and it has been in that pot ever since. (We are too far north and our winters too cold to plant it outside). The funny thing about Norfolk pines is that they will grow as tall as the ceiling, then will stop growing taller. We had it in a place where the ceiling was 6′ and it stopped for awhile, then we moved it to the 8′ room and it started growing again. It has been 8′ tall for the past 8 years.

      Hope your tree will be as much fun as ours has been.

      1. Handy Nickname*

        Yay, this is exactly what I’m hoping for with my tree! I’ll get a pan to put under the pot for watering.

    3. Anon Anon Anon*

      I water my plants when the soil gets dry. Or, worst case, when the plant looks like it needs water. When they’re dehydrated, the leaves get drier and start to turn brown. The goal should be to keep the soil moist – not soggy and not completely dry. And to give the plant natural light but not too much. You can go by how healthy the plant is looking day to day. They’re pretty straight forward.

  60. Raena*

    Does anyone have any advice on Holiday gifts that wont break the bank? I can knit but I’m still a beginner and don’t feel confident giving things I make as gifts. I’m considering baked goods, candy, chocolate etc. My only concern is what is the etiquette for giving hand made gifts if someone buys you a gift? I don’t think I can give handmade gifts to my immediate family because we usually have a budget of around $30-50. Any advice is welcome!!

    1. wingmaster*

      I know you said you’re a beginner in knitting, but scarves are pretty easy to do and make great gifts! Or a big skein of yarn can give you a lot of square coasters. I think it’s fine to have the bought gift / hand made gift exchange.

        1. An Amazing Detective-Slash-Genius*

          I’m not sure if this is the same as a cowl but when I started knitting I made a bunch of infinity scarves. It’s basically just like knitting a scarf but you sew the ends together. For me the beginning and end of the scarf were the places that I was less confident about and sewing them together hides them, and allows the person wearing the scarf to keep it behind their neck if they choose.

    2. Nerdgal*

      Do it yourself mixes for hot chocolate or soup. Plenty of recipes on the web. Use holiday themed containers and they look cute.

    3. Madge*

      Try home lmade vanilla. Ina Garten has a good tutorial that only takes a month. She’s been using the same jar for years and just added booze or vanilla beans as needed. Most people bake and vanilla is expensive these days and lasts forever. Plus it’s not something to eat or take care of now. If you’re traveling you can buy and assemble it when you get there and put a done by date on the container. You could combine that with some fancy olive oils or spice blends and a useful container to bump up the perceived value.

      And if you talk to people now then everyone could plan on a lower key gift exchange in advance. You’re likely not the only one feeling the holiday financial pinch. My family exchanges books. My husband’s family exchanges food and donations. We’ve also done white elephant exchanges and other gift swaps.

    4. Lcsa99*

      We’ve made handmade gifts for a couple years now so we can give you lots of gift ideas. And I wouldn’t worry at all about giving handmade gifts when someone buys you something. For one thing, in our experience we’ve found that people are especially touched by handmade gifts. For another, we specifically let people know it was coming because we were trying to save money and they all understood (I should stipulate that we bought gifts for the kids in our lives, the homemade gifts were only for the adults.)

      So for suggestions: we’ve done homemade marshmallows with homemade hot chocolate mix, homemade tea and cookies, homemade bath bombs, several different soup mixes in a jar, lots of different chocolates and caramels. I’ve also found that if you google “homemade gifts” you can get a ton of lists with suggestions. This year we’re gonna try a body scrub and bubble bath we found that way!

    5. AcademiaNut*

      For homemade gifts, I’d avoid baking around Christmas – people tend to have a house full of Christmas baking, so another box of cookies or cake is not necessarily going to be appreciated (or even eaten). Candy can work better if it’s packaged so that it will last a couple of months.

      The tricky thing with a lot of homemade stuff is that it’s not necessarily cheaper than going out and buying something – crafty stuff is notoriously difficult to sell for just that reason.

      Food wise, things like jams or pickles can be well received, but might be better for next year, so you can take advantage of cheap seasonal produce – I don’t know where you live, but this time of year in temperate climates there’s not a lot of fresh fruit except apples, and apple butter is not a novice canning project (it requires pressure canning unless you’re doing freezer jam type things). If you know your recipients have extra freezer or fridge space that opens up a lot more options like refrigerator pickles or freezer jams.

      Mulled wine spice packets might work for some people – whole cloves, cinnamon bark, dried lemon and lime peel, sugar crystals. Oh, or what about homemade flavoured syrups? A lemon syrup for Italian sodas, a caramel syrup for coffee, or a spiced syrup for chai tea would be fairly inexpensive to make. Flavoured vodkas could work too, depending on how expensive the base alcohol is.

    6. amanda_cake*

      Gonna sound kinda lame, but my family LOVES hand knit dishrags or wash rags. With a $2 or less ball of cotton and my time, I have something for them. I will give these as an addition to other things and some people who are particularly fond will get a large stack. I track my projects on Ravelry, even something this small, so it’s crazy to see how many I have made over the years.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      The year I was laid off, I sheepishly gave everyone homemade fudge. It went over great. Some months later I went to BUY some fudge and realized that although my ingredients cost was low, for finished product I’d been seen as generous.
      So I say go for it!
      (And before assuming kids need bought toys, one of the earliest gifts I remember was when I was Little House on the Prairie crazy and my brother’s girlfriend made me a Barbie dress like Laua & Mary wore.

  61. thanksgiving*

    I invited a few friends for Thanksgiving! I am worried it’s too late and everyone already has plans and what do I know about hosting people, blah blah, mean brain wanting to take over. Last year I invited a couple of people, separately, and everyone had plans but no one thought to invite me, and it was OK but I felt left out. So if a single friend tries to make plans with you, please see if you can include them in your festivities (or even in the day after/weekend) because maybe they are by themselves and they are trying to reach out.

    1. Kathenus*

      Word! I am and have been in the exact same situation. Single without family close by, so on years I’m not traveling I invite other holiday orphans. When it works out it’s great, but when not – yeah – it’s a bummer. Hope you have a great Thanksgiving.

    2. Anono-me*

      Just an FYI, but if someone invited me to their house for Thanksgiving; I would assume that they were having a bunch of people over and wouldn’t dream of inviting them to my house instead. You may want to try and work it into conversation that you’re going to be at loose ends for Thanksgiving.

      1. Thursday Next*

        This is a good point! Few people will counter an invitation to (what they assume is) a party with an invitation of their own.

        I think it’s fine to let close friends in particular know that you don’t have plans and would welcome a chance to hang out with them.

        1. thanksgiving*

          It is a good point.

          Which really has me depressed because I have invited bunches of people (I mean, it’s dinner, so 2-5 people, some of them couples), and no one could make it so despite being pro-active about making plans I ended up with no plans.

          Most people will tell you all about their plans (often in the form of how much they must cook/bring/relatives/ etc.) so then to tell them you want to hang out feels like fishing for an invite and is awkward all around. I have made plans one year with a co-worker who usually goes home but was staying put because she mentioned it.

          Still, it would be kind to check in with single friends with no family around.

          1. Thursday Next*

            Oh, I’m sorry to hear this. For my own part, I do check in with neighbors and single friends and have enjoyed having an assortment of people who don’t always know each other come over.

            You are right, it is hard to say, can you have me over for dinner? If there is someone you are particularly close to, it may be easier, though not easy.

            Is it possible for you to plan something special for yourself? Do something touristy in your own city, go see a movie and buy the jumbo popcorn—something you don’t usually do that would feel like a treat?

            Or something like volunteering at an animal shelter, or some place that would have meaning for you?

  62. CW Weight and Dieting Talk*

    Does anyone have any recommendations for calorie tracking apps?

    I’m trying to lose weight, and would like an app that accurately as possible tracks my net calorie intake based on what I eat/activity, as well as tracks my progress towards my weight loss goal. The ones I have tried so far – it’s hard to accurately track what I eat, because it forces me to choose from already existing food items rather than customize my own meals (I mostly cook at home, so the meal options from chain restaurants don’t help.)

    1. Asenath*

      I like myfitnesspal. It does have a lot of prepared food (some entries not accurate) but you can enter your own recipes, and you can enter activities too. And it works with map my run, although I tried that, and think it works better for me to focus only on calories.

    2. Jen RO*

      I tried MFP and I gave up in a week. Most of the food I eat is cooked by someone else (family/work cafeteria), so I couldn’t find a way to figure out how many calories were in there. I think that, if you cook a lot, you need to add the recipes in MFP before you can use them in tracking… and I decided that was way too much work for me.

    3. CW Weight and Dieting Talk*

      I tried MFP and found it extremely confusing to use, so I deleted it. It seemed like every time I used a feature, they would try to get me to pay for it. I am now using FatSecret, which is similar to MFP but more user friendly. Not super ideal though, but its working for now. I have an iPhone, and the app connects to the HealthApp, which has helped somewhat. However, I’m open to other recommendation.

    4. Red Reader*

      I use LoseIt, you can create recipes in the app for homemade foods by just putting in the individual ingredients.

      1. Thinner and Wiser*

        I recommend Lose It. I tried MFP and didn’t ever get comfortable with it. I am doing very well with Lose It. I have lost 30 pounds so far.

    5. Madge*

      As annoying as it is, MyFitnessPal is going to have the best user database of recipes. (Sometimes I add another MF in its name.) Spark people, if it still exists, is good as well. For mixed foods I usually just pick the closest recipe and call it good enough. If it’s something we eat a lot I’ll enter in my recipe. But calorie counts are allowed to be up to 20% off, so unless you’re willing to use a scale and eat single ingredients (eg chicken, broccoli, and brown rice), you’re going to be doing some fudging. And that’s ok. Calorie counts for exercise aren’t all that accurate either.

      Other things that are helpful are to eat slowly, eat to 80% fullness, eat veggies first and carbs last, and adjust as you go.

    6. CommonName*

      NOOM. I like their categorizing of foods by green, yellow, and red. Each category has a related calorie limit based on your total calories. You can also adjust desired speed of weight loss. We cook a lot at home and it’s easy to put in the components of a meal.

      I’ve lost 10% of my starting weight since August. I haven’t been great about using it the last few weeks but haven’t gained any weight back because helped me make some good food switches that I can easily stick to. Will be jumping back in now because I still want to hit my weight loss target.

    7. Hannah*

      I’ve used Sparkpeople, but the website one, rather than the app (the app kinda sucks IMO).

      Sometimes I cross check the calorie counts with other programs (or just googling) because all of them are kind of iffy, and I adjust it to some kind of average (usually by changing the amount). I like their recipe builder, where you punch in your recipe (a cup of this, a teaspoon of that), divide by serving size, and it gives you a calorie count, and then you can save that for later in your recipe box. I mostly cook at home too, so that is what works for me.

      1. LilySparrow*

        I’ve used Sparkpeople, and I agree about the app. The desktop or mobile web versions are the way to go.

        I liked that I could build recipes, and also build food groupings – so the meals that I eat regularly – like poached eggs, toast, coffee with milk – can be saved as one group.

  63. Serendipity*

    I’m the caretaker for my grandmother. On Tuesday, she had a fall that I needed to call in emergency help to get her up from. After some insistence from the responders, I pressured her into going to the hospital. Those responders saved her life, she was bleeding into her brain. It wasn’t until 4am that she was settled in icu and I felt comfortable leaving her there to get some rest.

    As I’m sure you all know, it’s Saturday now. I’m the only person who has gone to see her. There are two other family members who have the ability to go visit her the same area I live, and they haven’t. She’s stable so I understand why they didn’t drop everything to go see her, but… It has been 4 days. And I know they’ve had time off that could’ve been used to go see her! Ugh… All the people who are actually considerate in my family are handicapped and can’t, or travel for work. My patience is being tested by their selfishness. I’m off to visit her again, but I’d really appreciate some advice on how to not let this burn me out to read when I get home.

    1. Kathenus*

      I know in perfect world they’d go on their own, but can you specifically ask them to? Maybe set up a schedule with them so that your grandmother gets regular visits and it gets them committed to specific times? It doesn’t solve the problem of them not being thoughtful, but could help your grandmother and maybe in my rose-colored glasses world help build more compassionate behaviors in your family members?

      1. Serendipity*

        Thanks for your reply. Unfortunately, they’re not responsive to this kind of thing. For example, yesterday I was held up all day helping another family member and informed them how she was doing and that I wouldn’t be able to go see her in person that day. They quickly thanked me for the update on her condition, then got off the phone with me. It seemed they didn’t want me to get the chance to even ask them. Unfortunately, they have a history of this kind of avoidance but I won’t bore you with listing, just know it’s not unusual for them.

        And I’d like to say an in general thank you to the people who replied to me on here. Your taking some time out of your day to give me your perspectives are very appreciated!

    2. Asenath*

      Put them out of your mind. Focus only on your grandmother’s needs, your needs, and if you do have someone (friend or family) who can help out or visit, count your blessings. You will only make yourself miserable expecting more from your relatives than they can or will give.

      And it could be worse. Sometimes there are relatives who need to be, well, managed right when you think you’re at the end of your strength. When my mother was in hospital, a distant relative was so concerned I was asked by the nurses to talk to “someone who says she’s a relative, but we can’t give any information…” so I had to calm the relative down, and try to convince her – AGAIN – that my mother couldn’t actually answer a phone, much less talk on one if it was held up to her ear.

      1. Serendipity*

        Thanks for your reply. You’re right, I should focus on how she’s doing and not worry about them right now. I’m sorry to hear you can sympathize with my situation, and I hope your Mother is doing well. We have relatives scattered across the entire country, and for the first part of her stay she couldn’t manage phone calls either. But everyone wants to hear it straight from the patient, huh? Luckily she’s able to talk on the phone now, and her out of town grandchildren have been calling her. But there’s a difference between being on the phone and having someone actually there in the room with you, you know?

        Thank you again, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me, and to share part of your own experiences!

    3. families!*

      I feel for this because I have a close friend who ended up being in the hospital then rehab and I was able to only go see her once in 3 weeks. The times I could, she had PT/doctors’ visits etc.; or someone else was coming to visit her. I had to go to work. A few days a week, I have things after work. One day it was storming so bad, transportation was badly affected. I realize it’s not exactly your situation but maybe maybe assuming that people are doing the best they can might be helpful? Also, if they are selfish in general, it’s not that surprising that they would act selfishly in this instance so letting yourself know who these people really are might be helpful too.

      1. Serendipity*

        Unfortunately, they have a history of not stepping up so it’s not one random occurrence of otherwise considerate people. I’m sure your friend knew and appreciated the efforts you went through to see them! You sound like a wonderful friend!

    4. Dan*

      I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother, I’m glad she’s doing ok.

      First things first, has your grandmother actually *asked* for people to come and visit? I know for myself, when I’m laid up, I just want to be left alone and sleep when I feel like it. I really do hate being fussed over, and I assume that about others as well. But you know what happens when people assume? I’m sure you know the expression.

      If somebody wanted me to come and visit them in the hospital, I would expect them to *ask* me to come and visit. For them to assume I’m just “supposed” to go without asking? And then get upset with me for not “just knowing” I’m suppose to go? Uh-uh.

      Moral of the story #1: If you want something from someone, *ask* them. Then be ready to accept that they may so no, for reasons that you may or may not agree with.

      1. Forking great username*

        I second this. Also, it’s possible that when she asks there will be an actual reason they haven’t visited. I have a family member who has been in the hospital all week, and I haven’t visited either. I feel shitty about it, but he just (mostly) recovered from pneumonia complicating the issue he was hospitalized for, and the last thing he needs is me hiving him the bronchitis/cold I currently can’t get rid of.

        1. Serendipity*

          You shouldn’t feel bad for not bringing yourself into a hospital to visit when sick, that’s very wise of you! And I’m sure they understand, too!

          But unfortunately, there’s no such reason for one of the two people I’m thinking of. I won’t bore you with the details but truly, I try to be as kind as I can about my ‘judgement’ of them. They’ve a history of not being thoughtful, that’s why I focused what I said on asking how I could let go of my anger to them because they’re never going to change and all it will do is sap more energy from me. Thank you very much for your reply and perspective!

          1. tangerineRose*

            Can you think of this as “just how they are”. Of course that may mean you want to avoid them when you can, but that might be just as well.

      2. Thursday Next*

        Heartily agree with Dan’s last paragraph. And check with your grandmother first to make sure she’d welcome a visit from them.

        Do you get any support for yourself, like a caregiver support group, therapy, or respite? I think sometimes a primary caregiver can feel it very personally when other people don’t step up in an emergency. They might figure you’ve got the situation under control, but might not think about how stressful her accident and hospitalization is for you.

        1. Serendipity*

          Thanks for your reply. As I said in my reply to Dan, my Grandmother is extremely social, feels very lonely whenever she has to be in hospital and it’s well known in our family.

          Thank you for worrying about support for me, it means a lot! Luckily, next week my Mother is going to fly home to help. So ‘relief’ is in sight, but I’m mostly upset on my Grandmother’s behalf. She’s lonely, wants to see people, and she can’t do anything about it. But I know I can’t change these people, so I was mostly asking for advice on how to let go of the upset around that. Thanks for your perspective!

      3. Serendipity*

        Thanks for your reply. I’m like you, and would be preferred to be left alone if I was in hospital.

        But my Grandmother is our stark opposite! She has always been the life of the party, and if she could have friends over every hour she’s awake, she probably would. And the non-visitors are her children and know this very well about her. She’s very lonely in the hospital, and when I visit her she’s asking me if I talked to so and so, and so and so, and so and so, etc you get the idea.

        So while your advice is applicable to others, it’s not for this situation. Thanks for your time anyway.

        1. Dan*

          Well, your aunts and uncles have a relationship with their mother such that they don’t want to visit her, and there’s not much you can do about that.

          1. Serendipity*

            I am aware I can’t change them. If you’ll refer to the last sentence in my original posting, my focus was on how to let go of the anger I have for them waste precious energy that could go towards literally anything else. I’ve known this about them for years and know they won’t change, and it still gets under my skin. Do you have any perspective on that kind of thing?

            1. Thursday Next*

              I think having a stock phrase you can repeat to yourself in those moments can be helpful. Something along the lines of “This is who they are. I can’t change them. I give myself permission to feel this anger for a moment. Then I will let it go, and watch it float away.” Edit/abridge, then repeat four or five times while deep breathing.

              The idea is to acknowledge your anger. It’s okay to be angry! But also to remind yourself that your power here is limited, and you’re going to do the best you can.

              1. Serendipity*

                I think you’re right, I have to let myself feel the anger before I could ever hope of dismissing it in a constructive way. I’m going to give this a try next time I feel the anger coming on. It sounds like it will really help. You’re right, I have to let myself feel the anger before I could ever hope of dismissing it in a constructive way. Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply!

            2. Dan*

              At work, we are fond of the expression, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” That saying has its uses in many contexts.

              I think knowing that you can’t change something, and accepting that you can’t change something are two very different things. If stuff is eating you up that much, I don’t think you’ve accepted it.

              So, why do we have a difficult time accepting things we can’t change? Probably because in our minds we simplify a situation down to “if X would just happen, things would be so much better. X is simple, let’s just make it happen.” Yet X doesn’t happen. Distract yourself with the mental exercise of figuring out why X isn’t happening. There’s usually a reason for it.

              Some time the reasons can be specific, and you may be even able to figure them out. Some times they’re not, in which case you learn to accept that there’s something about a situation that you don’t know, and possibly never will. What I’m getting at with your aunt and uncle is that they’ve had a relationship with their mother (your grandma) for probably well over 30 years (I have no idea how old they are.) You will never know the particulars about much of that relationship. Yet, there’s something about it such that your aunt and uncle do not want to visit their mother in the hospital, despite a direct and clearly communicated request.

              Let me ask you this: Assume for a moment that your aunt and uncle would be absolutely miserable if they visited their mother in the hospital. Would you want them to “just get over it” and visit their mother anyway? What if they can’t get over it? Does your grandma’s happiness outweigh your aunt and uncle’s miserableness?

              The answers to some of these questions you may never know, and sometimes you won’t agree with them if you do find out. When the later occurs, it helps to recognize that you have different value judgements from other people. At that point, you have to decide whether you can “get over it” and ignore that you’re not on the same page, or that you can’t ignore it, and those value differences are enough such that you will keep that person “at distance.”

              Circling back to the topic at hand, you can phrase the question at least two different ways: 1) Why are my aunt an uncle pissing off grandma? Everybody should want to make grandma happy, she’s done so much for everybody! or 2) What is it about the relationship between a mother and her children such that the children won’t visit their mother in the hospital, even though they know it would make her happy? Something tells me attempting to answer the later question at some level will help you let go of this.

              1. Asenath*

                There could be any number of reasons – I had one uncle who never, ever visited anyone in hospital. He had a kind of phobia about hospitals, I guess, although like most of us will be, he was eventually admitted to one for his final illness. And on one side of the family there was one branch – that is one sibling plus spouse and children – out of five who were always – well, it’s hard to describe, but certainly they had little to no contact most of the time, which was a relief, because when there was contact there was inevitably some kind of family uproar. I know some of the history and reasons (not all; it went back to before I was born). And in the end, I just opted out of all the drama, and basically ignored the relatives who I thought were rude and unkind, when they weren’t being neglectful of our mutual elderly relatives. Eventually, I trained myself into losing the anger and resentment – basically, by reminding myself when they popped into my head that I couldn’t change them and didn’t need to upset myself by thinking about them.

    5. ..Kat..*

      As an RN who works in a hospital, I recommend that you ask at the nurses’ station about volunteers. Hospital volunteers are wonderful and can provide social visits with your grandmother.

      Also, your grandmother might be better off without visits from these self-centered relatives.

      Also, please take care of yourself in this stressful time.

      Even if you can’t visit every day, can you arrange a time to call your grandmother every day? If your grandmother is on a hospital unit that allows flowers, fresh flowers are a mood brightened and a frequent reminder to your grandmother that she is loved.

  64. Sam Sepiol*

    Cyndaquil community Day! Anyone been out? I got the full set of both normal and shiny so I’m happy :)

    1. KayEss*

      It’s literally 30 degrees here so I’m dragging my feet and haven’t gone out. I might convince myself to pop out for the last hour or so here just for the extra stardust, but I already have a Typhlosion so it’s hard to justify going out in the cold for another.

    3. curly sue*

      It was pouring rain here the entire day, so we bunkered down at the local library for an hour to catch things. I caught five shinies, but all of them were pretty awful IVs. Oh well.

  65. Nervous Accountant*

    Had a really bad fall down the stairs the other day. Everything else is fine, but my left big toe hurts. I can wiggle it but it hurts when I move it. It looks normal too (no bruising or bleeding). I can still walk but limping. I asked a pharmacist and he said it’ll heal on its own and that since I can feel it, that’s a good sign (since I’m diabetic) and just recommended icing/otc medicine. Just wondering at what point should I see a Doctor?

    1. the gold digger*

      I have broken my toe three times in my life. The bone was not sticking through the flesh. It hurt but the pain was not debilitating. No red lines radiating from the toe. I just tried to stay off it and it healed on its own.

      I did speak to a nurse one time. She said that if the flesh was unbroken and there were no red lines, there wasn’t much they could do and not to waste my time coming in.

      (However – I am not diabetic, so it might be worth it for you to at least talk to your doctor’s office.)

    2. LCL*

      If you can’t start walking normally by Monday you should get it checked. Since it is changing how you walk, you might be putting pressure on other areas of both feet that don’t normally see as much pressure, so the skin isn’t as toughened, then you develop a scrape and blister…just not worth waiting it out since you have been diagnosed as diabetic.

    3. fposte*

      You can go in and get it x-rayed. Or you can try getting a firm and rigid surgical shoe, which is what they’re likely to advise if it’s broken anyway, to see if that reduces the pain. You can get those on Amazon or at medical supply stores, and I advise getting a cushy insole to put in it as well.

      If you’re able to walk on it, it’s not likely you smashed anything in a way that needs immediate or surgical intervention. If it’s still really sore Monday you could make an appointment with a podiatrist, wear the rigid shoe, and then cancel the appointment if the toe seems to be healing fine before the appointment day comes.

    4. PX*

      Broke my big toe earlier this year and the advice was basically the same: it’ll heal on its own. If you really want to feel comfortable, you can go get it x-rayed, but there is basically nothing a doctor can do for it unless its a REALLY bad break (in which case you would likely already know).

      Advice I got was stay off it as much as possible, wear firm but roomy shoes (for me it was very obvious which of my normal shoes would be fine and which hurt too much to attempt). Dont tape it (your toes will naturally splay as you walk and taping can actually make it worse), and its likely to take a lot longer to heal than you think.

    5. Nervous Accountant*

      Thanks guys. I’m seeing bruising and swelling now. Pain level is same, not changing with pain reliever. May just go to urgent care tomorrow to be on the safe side.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I think going to urgent care is a good idea. One of my theories is that sometimes it’s easier to get it checked out than it is to worry about it (I can be a worrier sometimes), and since it still hurts… I hope you feel better soon!

  66. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’m realizing how burned out i am. But I have a light at the end of the tunnel, a 2 week break and a change in the Thing we Do Not Discuss after.

    I’m struggling with… everything really. Just trying to get through the next week.

    I’m proud of going to physical therapy without having a panic attack. Going there brings up a lot of feelings about my body and my mental and physical health problems but i managed to hold it together til I was done and went for a walk after and cried then. It was really hard but i did the thing.i need to for my health.

    How are you doing?

    1. Sam Sepiol*

      I had an episode of dissociation. It was horrid and scary. But I reached out to a friend who sent me a useful list of things to do and it helped and I got through it. If the list would be useful to anyone else I’ll dig it out.

      1. Junior Dev*

        It would! I found myself borderline dissocuating after the PT appointment and wishing I had more strategies. I’m glad you were able to get help!

    2. Square Root Of Minus One*

      I went through horrible mood swings. Not common for me.
      I got mad and annoyed at people while having no real standing for it, but I couldn’t help it.
      I took off Friday afternoon… and gave up what I was wanting to do. I was feeling great in the morning, and like crap at noon and all the afternoon.
      I don’t even want to talk to anyone today. Except to this post, at least I don’t have to pretend. Thank you for the opportunity. I wish for your light to grow quickly.

    3. Pol*

      Had a bout of mononucleosis that seems to be winding down now- I’m really proud of myself for not getting panic attacks over it (unlike last time, which was… bad) and instead resting, trying to eat, taking vitamins and talking to the professors in my classes to get more time for hand-ins.

      Also, my therapist suggested many of my anxiety issues might actually stem from undiagnosed autism spectrum disorder. Does anyone have experience/references on adult autism diagnosis (in women, if relevant)

      1. Sammie*

        Pol – hope this doesn’t come too late – and is somewhat helpful. There are actually so many resources out there it’s a little overwhelming. It is absolutely relevant that you ask ‘in women’, because that’s where the resources can get a little thinner on the ground/more muddled. From what I’ve read, women are less likely to get diagnosed as children in part because the research has centered on boys and does not appear to take account of, say, differences in social training. In my experience, there is still a very pervasive image of what an autistic person looks and acts like, even where medical professionals are concerned, and it can be hard to break through this – especially as an adult, when you’ve likely spent many years perfecting your tactics for surviving in a world not built for you.

        I’m pretty textbook, or at least my childhood was for a girl on the spectrum, but I’m still having trouble getting a diagnosis: getting a referral to the right professional; waiting lists (in the US); upfront costs; having to get a close family member to answer questions about what I was like as a child, when my mother has already made it very clear she does not want to entertain this possibility. I keep finding lots of great reasons to put it off. In the meantime, I keep reading.

        The book I started off with was a general one by Tony Attwood (cannot remember the name now); I just needed a solid overview. Then I found a website called ‘Musings of an Aspie’ that is still up but I don’t believe has been updated in a long while. The resources on there, however, are invaluable and are centered on people from within the community. This I think is crucial. I would personally stay clear, at least initially, of publications and sites associated with organisations like Autism Speaks. I had the misfortune of hearing one of their radio ads not long after I had ‘come out’ to myself as autistic and it quite literally portrayed autism as a monster waiting to tear families apart. Raising a child (being a child!) in a world not even remotely built for them is heartbreaking, but nuance or intersectionality would not be the strong point of organisations like this (to put it very mildly).

        I hope this helps a little on the journey. I am many many times happier now that I’ve stopped fighting my own brain. I play to its strengths and I shore up its ‘weaknesses’. As for anxiety, it’s a constant; I’m a catastrophic thinker. Regardless of anything else, I think it’s a pretty natural reaction when you’re expected to squeeze yourself into templated ways of being that are just not going to work for you – and then you are penalised for your ‘failure’ in this regard. And understanding that makes me, funnily enough, just a little less anxious.

        Take care.

    4. Red*

      I’ve been having trouble getting the gears in my brain to stop f’ing around and just WORK. It’s like I can sit in front of my computer for hours and get nothing done because I can’t just make myself focus and think. I was at the library the other day for 3 hours and wrote exactly 1/2 of a page of my research paper. I am failing one of my classes. I can keep up just fine at work because that is a place where I have 1000 different things to focus on, so it’s okay that my brain will not focus on just one. It’s just everywhere else that is the problem. I don’t know what is happening to me. My psychiatrist thinks maybe I’m just on too many meds, so she’s taking me off some of them, but it hasn’t improved any yet and I’m so frustrated.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I’ve got a few suggestions:
        1. Maybe you need distractions in order to focus. I used to have TV on or music playing while I was studying.
        2. Could you be trying to hard to get it perfect? One technique I use when I’m having a tough time is to write *something*, without worrying about whether it’s good. For example, when I was trying to write a cover letter, I started out with “Please give me a job.” and then refined it from there until it was actually a reasonable cover letter.
        3. Could some of it be the medium? Sometimes I feel more creative/productive if I’m sitting on the couch writing in a spiral notebook.
        4. Are you doing too much? You might be feeling burnt out.

    5. FD*

      I’ve finally got an intake appointment with a psychologist office (sliding scale local one). I’m a bit worried about it because I’ve had somewhat mixed results from psychologists before, but I think I probably need to deal with some things.

      I sort of had a “Hm maybe it’s time to deal with some things” when I was talking to someone and I said something on the order of, “Oh, no, I’m basically constantly anxious. I’ve just been feeling more anxious then normal lately.”

      Which. I mean, is true. But I guess I kind of–I don’t know, I’ve literally always existed that way? It’s hard for me to imagine NOT being anxious.

    6. Justin*

      My depression is under control and my anxiety is rare.

      I am finally realizing, looking back, how unstable I really was, holding on barely, for many years. I’m glad I finally got professioanl help and that people stuck by me. Marathon last week was the first time where I felt clarity and the love of the crowd and my supporters meant a great deal.

      Hope you can find what you need over time.

    8. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      For some weird reason my period extended for six days instead of the usual three, with extremely painful cramps and mood swings. I managed reasonably well during the day, but by the time I arrived at the doctor’s office I couldn’t hold it anymore and burst into tears when he asked if I needed birth control prescriptions or an STI check. Definitely not my proudest moment.

      1. Dr. Anonymous*

        I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time! For what it’s worth, people cry at the doctor’s office all the time. I’m always a little relieved when a patient bursts into tears, because it usually means we are getting into something that is really important to them.

    9. 653-CXK*

      I like these questions you ask, Junior Dev.

      I’m six months out of ExJob and I’ve finally come to accept that there was some long-lasting shellshock and burnout in my job, and that I would never, ever put myself through that kind of micromanagement every again.

      The epiphany came when a recruiter sent me a listing about a week ago. It was the same type of work, same kind of standards to meet, etc. I went back and looked at their reviews on Glassdoor and despite it being a remote position, they were even more controlling than ExJob! The politest response I could muster without using profanity was “I will not be scheduling an interview, and I do not wish to be contacted in the future.”

      On the good side of things – next week will be my birthday week, and I have an interview that week with a company that is only down the street from where I live; my old commute was 1-1/2 hours, but this one would be 15 minutes. Hopefully it’ll finally pan out; it’s more money and more responsibility.

  67. Anon anony*

    I bought a car and put some money down on it, but still have monthly payments. They say that if you give extra money, you should pay it on principal. Do you then give a separate check and write that it should be applied to the principal? Should I contact the bank to see what should be done?

    1. Red Reader*

      Check with your lender. With mine, any payments I make above my minimum are automatically applied to principal, but different lenders may handle that differently.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Yes, do check with your lender. If you have a payment book it might show you a line for payment (your regular payment) and then a line saying “principle” or similar wording with a line to put down a dollar amount to be applied to the principle. But one of the regular tellers should be able to show you want to do.

    3. Dan*

      I’d say not to worry about it, because I don’t think it makes much of a difference. The way most loans work, interest accrues daily based on the outstanding principal of the loan. Each time you make a payment, the outstanding interest is paid off, and then the remainder goes toward principal.

      I have about a $50k balance on a student loan. At the moment, my interest accrues at roughly $7/day. My payments are $750/mo. What happens is that when I make a payment, the $200 in accrued interest is paid, and then the principal is reduced by $500. Then, the next month, because the balance is lower, the accrued interest is slightly less, yet the monthly payment is still the same.

      Now, my employer has a student loan reimbursement benefit. It’s small, but useful: It’s $150/mo. They use a third party servicer to administer the benefit and actually make the payment. They usually send the payment in the middle of the month. What typically happens is that I’ve got $100 or so in accrued interest, so that $100 gets paid off, and then my principal is reduced by $50. But then what happens for my next payment is that when I’d “normally” have $200 in outstanding interest, I’ve only got $100. So my $750 payment then pays that $100, but then applies the “extra” $100 to the principal. If I tried to get the $150 benefit applied “only” to principal, I’d still have that $100 in accrued interest that would get paid with the next regular payment.

      If that sounds too confusing, let me put it this way: As a practical matter, on a low interest car loan, you’re going to exert far more in effort, headaches, stamps, and envelopes trying to get this worked out. At a 4% interest rate, the accrued interest on $100 is roughly a penny a day. So by trying to employ some “accounting tricks” with the interest vs principal on an extra payment on an installment loan, you’re saving about fifteen cents. Last I checked, a stamp cost more than that.

      Don’t get me wrong, paying extra whenever you can does reduce the interest over the life of the loan. I’m specifically talking about trying to get that payment allocated toward principal vs interest. (Also, don’t get me started on mass-market consumer financial advice. I think it’s way to general and simplified in ways that really aren’t appropriate.)

      1. Jerry Vandesic*

        Unfortunately this is incorrect. Some lenders apply unspecified excess payments to interest, and accumulate excess interest separately; if you have more interest payments than needed, they rollover to the next month. This means that the principal does not go down with an excess payment, and consequently the monthly interest they charge is not affected by your excess payment.

        As others have said, check with your lender. If uncertain, make sure you specify that the excess payment should be going to principal.

        1. Dan*

          How? I really don’t get this. Can you show me something specific (like link to something)? So you’re saying that if I make an extra payment to a loan, and that payment exceeds any accrued interest, that the payment just sort of “sits there”? Ultimately, what that means is that your money just sort of sits in some sort of no-man’s land in perpetuity, which makes no sense whatsoever.

          I’m in perpetual debt (been that way for the last twenty years with student loans, three different car payments, and all of that) and I have never once seen a lender do anything but automatically apply excess payments to the principal amount. I’m not saying that because I’ve never experienced something it can’t happen, but the accounting for something like you describe makes no sense.

          1. BuildMeUp*

            I used to work at a bank, and at least one type of loan we took payments for worked the way Jerry is describing – if you wanted to pay extra toward the principal, there was a specific line on the form to fill in. If you didn’t specify, the excess would just be applied to the next month’s regular payment.

            To be honest, it’s more than likely one of those tactics banks use to get more money out of people – like processing debits before credits, etc. By putting the extra money toward the next month’s payment, they prevent the principal amount from going down faster.

          2. Someone Else*

            Think of it like this: I have a loan with a monthly payment of $750 of which some if principal and some is interest. I decide I can afford to start paying $1500 a month instead. Loan A, if I do that, automatically applies the extra to principal. Load B, if I do that, pays off next month’s bill. So instead of reducing my principal by $750, I’ve just paid both November and December’s bills at once, and now my next one won’t be due til January. Both ways pay off the loan faster than making only standard payments, but you end up paying more in interest on Loan B than Loan A, especially if you’re just doing extra payments here and there.

    4. Anono-me*

      Check to see if your loan has a penalty for early repayment first. Most don’t, but a few still will.

  68. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

    Anybody have any experience breaking up a pair of bonded cats?

    I’m planning on moving out next year, and will be taking my young cat with me. Her littermate isn’t mine and will be staying behind. There is a third cat in the household, but she doesn’t approve of the young’uns and will be happy for one of them to disappear.

    1. cats! cats! cats!*

      I have never had to break up a bonded pair, but maybe your vet or the local humane society could give you some advice? I would also think about and make a plan for what you will do if you find out they are truly bonded and cannot be separated without compromising their health and welfare. I hope you find a good solution that works for everyone! It is kind of you to care. I volunteer at a shelter and we have so many people come in that just want one out of a bonded pair. Somewhat mysteriously, the cats themselves always seem to take care of the problem on their own!

  69. Virginia Plain*

    The past few years have been pretty chaotic, my dad passed away about a year and a half ago. Everything is finally starting to re-settle (I didn’t realize how long these things take). My mother is 73 and has *never* been great at cleaning their house (for a variety of reasons, which I won’t go into now). It’s getting to the point where you can TELL it hasn’t been cleaned properly for a few years. Like, her kitchen floor is dirty and the bathtub looks awful. She’s not a hoarder or ANYTHING of that nature, but she just doesn’t do more than basic cleanings (she’ll wipe down the counters, clean the toilet every so often, etc.). I’m actually not that great at deep cleaning either, or I would clean her house myself. I am good at keeping clean things clean, but not great at making dirty/grimey things clean.

    Anyway, my question is, can a house cleaning service clean a house that isn’t already… pretty clean to begin with? I am thinking of calling and arranging some sort of service to come to my mother’s house to really give a good clean to her bathrooms and kitchen, in particular.Like, the house isn’t disgusting/something you’d see on hoarders, just… pretty grimey. Is this beyond… their level of service?

    1. Forking great username*

      Most cleaning companies do this! You’ll just want to make them aware so they can properly charge and allocate enough time for it.

    2. fposte*

      That sounds pretty standard for a cleaner or cleaning service. It’s actually the kind of thing my current cleaner really likes, in fact–she can tell she’s made a difference.

    3. Thursday Next*

      Yes, it’s usually called a deep cleaning. Some services offer move-out/in cleaning that’s more intensive than a regular cleaning.

      Just ask the cleaning service—they’ve seen it all before. Describe the current condition and ask what type of cleaning or number of hours they recommend.

    4. Hannah*

      Typically when you start with a cleaning service, they will charge more for the “first cleaning” assuming that perhaps it was a thing that had been neglected for a while. And then if you have regular cleanings, they will charge based on both the size of the house and the frequency of cleaning. Meaning, if you have once a week cleaning, each session will be cheaper than if you have a once a month cleaning, because they will assume after a month your house would be dirtier.

      If you think it is particularly bad, you can just tell them this is something more of the level of “move in/out” cleaning, which is usually a deep cleaning of a place that may or may not have been maintained.

      But generally, yes, this should be very easy to solve with some money and a phone call!

    5. Blue Eagle*

      The main thing is that crap and clutter need (and anything that needs to be saved) need to be moved out of the way so the cleaners can clean the surfaces.

  70. Lissa*

    I am just kind of amused by this – I don’t normally buy into personality tests and so on, but I took the Gretchen Rubin one on a whim (have read stuff about her here) and have never fit so well with one before. The “Questioner” type could really be a description of me! I don’t know if this is particularly useful or enlightening for me since the whole description was just like “yup, that sure is a description of me!” But it was funny to read, anyway.

    1. Reba*

      Yeah, I think those types of Rubin’s are pretty good! Obviously they don’t account for everything, but I too saw myself in the Questioner.

    3. Mimmy*

      My tendency came out as Questioner, but I think I’m also an Obliger. The part about “analysis paralysis” is spot on though!!

      Warning to those who want to do this quiz: You MUST put in an email address to see your results. Not a fan of that…I unchecked the email subscriptions (below the email field), so hopefully I won’t get too much spam.

  71. Marguerite*

    When I like a guy, I clam up. I basically do the exact opposite of flirting and everything else that they tell you to do. I can get giggly depending on if someone is being funny, but I do a lot of looking at a guy, but I can’t manage to get the words out. Of course, this probably either leads the guy to be nervous or seem to think that I’m not interested.
    Does anyone else get like this? Any success stories out there?

    1. Anon Anon Anon*

      I have no advice, but I’m the same way. Those attraction feelings make me uncomfortable so I act weird around people I’m attracted to. When I’m not attracted to someone, I’m apparently fairly attractive because I sure get asked out by a lot of people I don’t feel that way about. I just need to figure out how to deal with the attraction feelings better so I can act normal while feeling that way.

    2. annakarina1*

      I don’t have any success. I used to clam up around crushes when I was younger, and now with a more recent guy I like, I generally will be polite and friendly, but am a little distant so I don’t come off as too smiley or excited, and try to act nice but indifferent to him. This does not help matters at all, but it’s to keep me from thinking that any niceness from him is anything more than surface pleasantries, so I keep myself at a polite emotional distance.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      Aack, I do this too, or else I talk WAY too much about stupid stuff. It’s funny–I can talk to anyone except someone I have a crush on. It helps if they’re interacting with me, especially if they seem to be having a good time.

      Sometimes if I pretend I’m at a job and they’re a customer and there’s zero chance of any hooking up, it helps me be friendly without being too nervous.

    4. UtOh!*

      I wish I could clam up when I’m nervous instead of opening my mouth and inserting my foot! I’ve definitely turned off guys that I liked by inadvertently insulting them. I still cringe inside when I think about it. I’m married now…met hubby online, where I’m a great deal more calm!

  72. CommonName*

    My dad passed away earlier this year, so Thanksgiving is the first major holiday without him. In general, I’m doing pretty OK. It wasn’t unexpected and TBH a relief that his suffering ended. My husband, kids and I will be spending Thanksgiving with my family and close family friends. As a person who HATES showing emotion, I’m more afraid of crying in front of people than feeling the sad feelings.

    Anyone else hates showing emotion? What do you do to keep yourself together? OR have you ever started crying in a large group and not regretted it–stories please =)

    1. Jennifer Thneed*

      Not the comment you’re requesting, but an idea that might help you on the day: Plan a cry ahead of time. Schedule an hour alone (maybe the day before?) to really feel all the feelings. You might not actually cry, but you will get some of it out of your system ahead of time, and that may help.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      It might be easier to cry because my advice is difficult.
      Make sure you get plenty of rest. Lack of rest adds to the weepies.
      Stay out of the alcohol, caffeine and junk food these things pull our bodies down and in turn pull our thinking down. And the weepies turn on.

      Understand that the fear of crying is going to make you want to cry even more. Because now it’s two issues: the grief itself and the fear of emotions.

      My punchline is to build a plan what you will do if the crying hits. This could be as simple as saying, “Hey everyone, I am taking a time out here. I will be going for a walk for 15 minutes then I will be back.” Then when others want to do their own walk, you can knowingly just let them go.

      Walking is very good for cleaning cobwebs out of the brain. You may benefit from taking several walks in the days before TG Day.

  74. CoffeeOnMyMind*

    November 11 is the 100th anniversary of the end of WWI. That’s an entire century! So now I’m thinking about how much has changed since 1918. In the U.S., women didn’t have the right to vote, the Spanish Influenza Epidemic was ongoing, and even public radio didn’t exist. Looking back 100 years, what stands out the most to you?

    1. London Calling*

      I think one thing would have to be the pace of technological change. My maternal grandfather in was born in 1900 – he recalled being allowed out of school to see a flying machine, and yet he lived to see the moon landings and he flew to Australia to see family in a plane whose wing was longer than the flight made by the Wright brothers when grandad was three years old.

      The other massive change, of course, is for women. Imperfect as the world still is for us, we have rights and privileges many of the women of 1918 would gasp at.

    2. HannahS*

      Whenever I think of the end of WW1, and the period between the wars, I’m struck with profound sadness at the idea that the Jews of the world had no idea what was coming. There were probably about the same number of Jews in 1918 as there are now. Our peak population was 17 million in 1939, and only 15 million now. My grandfather was born in 1918 (and is still living!) but he was born into a world of European Jewry that very quickly ceased to exist. It’s profoundly strange to be “from” places that don’t really exist anymore. My friend who’s Italian Catholic, you know, she goes back to Italy to see the family, the family farm is still there under the ownership of a distant cousin, the churches they prayed at still stand, whereas I have no link–including emotional–to the places my grandparents fled. The Jewish world in 1918 feels like fairy-tale to me, equally distant as 1818 or 1718.

      1. fposte*

        I’m thinking about this, and all the people I’ve known or heard of who’ve visited an ancestral village in Poland or Russia or Ukraine that now has a single Jew left or none at all. The erasure is just astonishing, and really so fast when you look at the time from the rise of Russian pogroms to the Holocaust.

        But while that kind of European erasure is a strongly Jewish experience, I think the separation from European roots is actually pretty common for a lot of North Americans, and that when your family immigrated is a big factor there too; I’m not sure your Italian friend is a norm there. The descendants of 19th century and pre-WWI 20th century voluntary immigrants tend to have a different relationship with their country of origin than more recent ones (people who came under indenture or, of course, enslavement had a different relationship still). My family’s relationship to Greece and to Ireland is “somewhere in such-and-such a county, God knows what’s there now,” which seems pretty typical of most people I know with older immigration histories unless they’re into genealogy. There was the 19th century Irish tradition of the “American wake,” the proto-funeral when someone left Ireland for America, certainly never to return again (and the odds of a family farm being retained in the famine were slim indeed). Maybe with more money and more recent technology/transportation they’d have had an experience more like your Italian friend, but at the time, they had neither, and the ties to the source country were hard to maintain.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          My Irish great grandmother did not dare go back to Ireland. She feared she would not be allowed back into the US. She came here at 17. Her boat arrived early so no one was there to greet her. So she just started walking down the street with one suitcase that was everything she had in the world.
          She did not talk about Ireland much, just like the Swede she married did not mention Sweden that much.
          I think why they left and how they left becomes a major factor in how they related to their past. Looking back on it, I wonder if they missed their homeland so much that they could not talk about it. I guess I won’t ever know.
          Of course, I am grateful that they came here because that forever shaped my life.

        2. The Person from the Resume*

          So agree. I’m Cajun. I assume I’m descended from French and Spanish colonist who arrived in the 1700s and 1800s. I certainly don’t have details about home towns. That seems a rarity of a very recent immigrant family.

          1. curly sue*

            If you’re from one of the Cajun families that was originally French-Acadian, there’s been a huge amount of geneaological and historical research tracing family lines. We can pinpoint many of the original French hometowns for the Acadian families who ended up being deported down to the US in 1755 – 1760. If one was interested in pursuing it, anyway. :)

        3. HannahS*

          I am talking about more recent ones, though! My friend’s grandparents immigrated willingly as adults post-WW2, not in the earlier post-WW1 wave. I’m comparing myself to people in their 20s who grew up with grandparents from “the old country,” wherever that happened to be, and their relationship to it, not greats or great-greats.

          1. fposte*

            Right–I’m just thinking that there are a lot of different circles in the Venn diagram of immigration, even of our grands.

        4. The Original Stellaaaaa*

          This is very true to my experience. My mom can trace her lineage back to the Mayflower (it’s my family’s one Cool Fact) but even if that’s BS, her side of the family has been in America for hundreds of years. I can’t relate to people who identify heavily with being Irish or Italian.

          My dad’s (and my) last name is on the wall at Ellis Island, but I can’t say I feel connected to the Romanian motherland.

      2. Ann O.*

        Me, too. The rise in overt anti-Semitism over the past few years has really made me think about all that was lost for the Ashekenazi Jewish communities in a different way. I’ve never really wished I spoke Yiddish, and I certainly didn’t wish I grew up in an Old Country shtetl. But I do feel a wistfulness and sadness these days that it’s all just gone as opposed to having had the chance to evolve.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      The internet, and taking it for granted that you can quickly find the answer to a zillion basic questions. Minor questions. Like, it used to be that you would say “That song… umm, la la.. I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me…” and sort of hum it all day and try to figure out what the name was. Now you type “I’m so dizzy do” and it autocompletes to the rest of the lyric and you can listen to the whole song, or look up the lyrics.

      In Earth, David Brin made the good point that 50 years in the future is enough time for significant social and technological shifts… yet it’s also within people’s lifetimes. For a lot of people, these two ways of being just mean they grew from youth to old age.

    4. Asenath*

      The destruction of a generation of young men in the trenches in a war that ended up being refought anyway.

      I don’t have Jewish ancestry, and my own European ancestors are so far removed there’s no family farm (if there ever was one; I think most of them were labourers and fishermen) and no emotional connection to some ancestral homeland.

      But all those dead boys and men… At least we now are much less likely than we were to go to war at the request of another country. That’s a major achievement in the history of most ex-colonies.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      My grandmother was born at the end of the 1800s. To less-than-ten year old me in the 1960s she seemed so very old. When she was growing up her mother warned her about that new fangled invention called the automobile. It’s the tool of the devil her mother said. Grandma was a typical teen so you know what happened next. She accepted a ride home from school from a well-known person in the community who was driving their automobile. The person had to drop her off blocks from home so her mom would not see.

      My over all impression of those times was that there was a lot of gossipy, judgey stuff going on. People would look at what you hung out to dry on your clothes line and talk about you. Clothes on a line, really? My mother (born 1922) grew up in an era where women really resented their destiny in life. Their destiny being get married and make babies. Just my belief that these women set the course for the next generation in the women’s movement.

      Of the war itself the thing that sticks in my mind is the use of chemicals in warfare. Here is one example:
      http://battleofypres.blogspot.com/2012/03/chlorine-gas.html

    6. Jessen*

      Medicine. I’m the kind of kid who probably wouldn’t have made it in 1918. I have some issues that make me very prone to infections. I also have barometric migraines. These are things we can handle now, and I can basically live a normal life. 100 years ago I would likely have died, and there would have been few options for pain relief.

    7. Jessen*

      That said, I know someone else whose comment was that in 1918, her existence (as a mixed race child of a white mother) would have been evidence of a crime.

    8. Red*

      If I had been born 100 years before I was, I would’ve been lobotomized for sure. Now, I get medicine and therapy and live a good life. It’s absolutely a night-and-day difference how far we’ve come.

    9. SemiRetired*

      I’m doing some research on the 1918-1919 events in my area prepping for a historical event next spring. Besides the obvious technological changes: medicine, esp. antibiotics, vaccines, and birth control. So very many dead children and young mothers turning up in my research. Nowadays more than one marriage per person may be common, with people living a longer, and the divorce rate. 100 years ago it was multiple marriages from wives dying from pregnancy related stuff, and then the husbands remarrying. Votes for women, the end of prohibition, much much more accepted diversity (100 years ago, as far as I can tell, adults were not really allowed to socialize with adults of other races or colors… of course that is not the one of the most important “diversity” difference just one that stands out as I look around the room here.) Roads! Toilets! Daily showers and not just Saturday night baths! Sometimes I get wistful about having missed out on the jazz era but for the most part, I’m quite happy to be a 20th-21st Century woman.

    10. WellRed*

      Self serving here. In 1918, insulin didn’t exist. So, had I been diagnosed then I wouldn’t have lived to tell the tale. Also, birth control!

      1. Jaid_Diah*

        My diabetes is because I’m fat and lazy. If I’d lived earlier, my diet and activity would have been way different and I probably would not have been diabetic or have developed it much, much later in life.

    12. Koala dreams*

      The vote, the spread of electricity, connections through phones and internet and most important of all: the washing machine.

    13. Lissa*

      With this post I am not trying to say things are perfect today, but I really do feel like life is better for more people, or a higher percentage, today than in any other time of history. We have to make sure not to think we’re ever really “past” something, but the ways that certain things manifest are evolving, and progress in all ways seems to be happening at an exponential (not sure what the right word is) rate. I think the Internet has a lot to do with a lot of both good and bad social change and people are still adjusting and reacting to so many social norms.

      Also, how much more aware we are of everything! How slowly news traveled, and how the average person wouldn’t even hear about things till much later, if at all, compared to our 24-hour news cycle. I feel like in some ways it helps progress move faster – comparing the gay rights movement time frame to the women’s suffrage timeline, for instance. But also causes bad ideas to spread too – I bet the anti-vaccination movement wouldn’t be getting nearly as much traction without the Internet. I think it’s also contributed to the increased feeling of polarization too, since it’s easier to select the people, news articles etc. that you want, and only talk to people who agree with you. But, it’s also allowed people to make connections they never would have, when they might otherwise have felt extremely alone. I “came of age” right as the Internet was beginning and spent a lot of time on it when really only nerds like me did that – Livejournal and the like. Now seemingly everyone is online! I often think of what it would be like if I’d been born ten years later.

    14. Mazzy*

      For me it’s suburbs and city sewer and water. Where I grew up everyone had wells, which only work if the population is pretty sparse. We wouldn’t have been able to have the suburbs without more complex water systems that could handle more people. Also the whole concept of suburbs probably seemed luxurious are crazy hundred years ago

    15. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My grandfather was in the US Army Ambulance Corps in 1918, during the Spanish Flu pandemic. He was also allergic to sulfa drugs. My grandmother lost her beloved younger brother to TB.
      So I grew up hearing from them how marvelous it was that doctors could vaccinate us for killer diseases, that there were options for antibiotics, and that we had regulated medicines tested & shown to work.
      I feel very divided from so many of my contemporaries.

  75. Family Drama OP update*

    I posted last month regarding some family drama involving my husband, his sibling, and their parent who recently moved into a nursing home.

    I urged him to talk to his parent frankly, which he finally did! Now he is looped in and active in handling financial matters, along with his parent’s sibling, who is very on top of things.

    I wound up having to be the one to step in when sibling got weird about Thanksgiving plans and hurled all sorts of unrelated criticism at my husband. Those were fun texts. So I group texted husband, sibling, and parent, and negotiated a plan. Sibling has a harder time being off-topic hostile to me.

    Thanks to this group for the great advice and compassion!

  76. Jennifer Thneed*

    Someone said it on Reddit recently, and it’s so true that I will repeat it here:

    The terrific thing about fostering kittens is that you always have kittens!

    (We’ve been fostering litters for our local Humane Society since July. They keep thanking us but geez, we keep thanking *them*. We have a kitten subscription box! And they supply EVERYTHING.)

  77. CW - BMs*

    This is kind of silly and maybe gross, hence the cw in my username.

    I go to the gym in the mornings before work.

    It’s almost like clockwork….if it’s 7 AM and I’m
    At the gym I have to GO. Problem is that at 7 AM, I’m getting to the gym and ready to exercise.

    This only happens on days I go with the intention to exercise. So I don’t know if this is a mental thing or what.

    After doing that, I hate the thought of going to exercise, and will just go take a shower and get ready for the day. So no exercise.

    Any advice on moving the timing of when I go? Is it a mind over matter thing?

    1. HannahS*

      A few ideas:
      -You may be able to hold it in (I do, if I need to rush out the door) but I wouldn’t do it regularly, as I find it can mess up my system, a bit.
      -You can try to go before you leave, which may initially take longer to learn how to do, but park yourself on the toilet (or squat) for a few minutes.
      -If drinking coffee has an effect on you, change when you drink it.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Drink water when you get up, see if you can trigger the bowels to work earlier.

      OR
      Tell yourself every day that you are going to the gym and see if you set a new pattern.

      1. CW - BMs*

        I feel gross. No matter how well I clean, I’ll be dirty and I’m going to be sweating while exercising, I’m paranoid I’ll be smelly. I already don’t look like I belong there, I don’t need to be the fat smelly person too.

        1. valentine*

          Double down. Take gloves and baby wipes or disposable washcloths (delightfully soapy!, for sponge baths). If there’s a scent you like, dab it on or take a whiff and do your workout. Assume everyone at the gym smells, just maybe not to you. Think of the gym as Sesame Street. We are all neighbors. We all belong. If you still feel bad, shower pre-workout as well. Try this for a week and, if you feel the same or better than you do when you skip the workout, keep at it.

        2. GhostWriter*

          If you use baby wipes (or some other body wipes) as valentine suggested, you really shouldn’t be dirty or smelly. If you’re concerned about it anyway and you do a long workout, maybe you could take a break halfway through to go to the bathroom and wipe up again or put on a fresh pair of underwear? But really, everyone else at the gym is getting sweaty too–it’s one of the few places where it’s expected that you won’t be perfectly fresh and clean. If you’re showering daily and wear clean workout clothes you should be fine.

          It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking everyone around you is hyper focused on watching and listening to you and judging you. In reality, most people are too preoccupied with their own worries to pay attention to, or care about, others’ appearance or what other people are doing. I try to remember this whenever I get a particularly bad bout of acne, get a bad haircut, get a stain on my clothes and can’t change, am doing something new for the first time, or any other things that make me more self-conscious.

    4. Jane*

      I’m not quite following why going to the bathroom derails exercising. Maybe the “mind over matter” is that you push through the inertia you experience afterwards. No pun intended!

      Or, do you not feel well after that? If BMs are that disruptive to your day for some reason, maybe it’s time to see your doctor?

      1. LilySparrow*

        Yes, this.
        I am kind of the opposite – I feel more able to work out after a good “constitutional”. Maybe your body is doing a clear-out in preparation for the exercise?

        If 7am isn’t your regular time every day, what else do you do differently on workout days than non-workout days? Any supplements, foods or drinks, medications, stretching/yoga, wakeup time, etc?

        Maybe one morning when you don’t have to be at work early (or on your day off) you could experiment with timing so that you get everything taken care of at home, and then go to the gym afterwards.

    5. GhostWriter*

      Your “colon clock” is synced with your “circadian clock.” Could you start getting out of bed a bit earlier to shift your BM to an earlier time?

      Drinking water upon waking might also help you go sooner. (If I don’t drink anything at all in the morning for any reason I end up going later.) I’ve also found that doing stretches sometimes immediately makes me have to go.

    6. Mephyle*

      Drinking water has been mentioned a couple of times. Warm water seems to work even better than cold water in this respect

  78. runner girl*

    That’s one of the reasons I much prefer to work out in the afternoon/evening.
    In the moning, I tend to be okay if I go very quickly from bed -> run… as in roll out of bed, pull clothes on, brush teeth (maybe) and out the door. My body doesn’t tend to catch up until I’m done or nearly done with my run.
    If I’m doing a workout that’s long enough that I need to ingest anything, then I pretty much have to get a bathroom stop in either before or during, which can determine my route.
    Being careful to have my biggest meal of the day at lunch instead of dinner can help.
    Caffeine and fluid volume definitely make a difference for me. Lack of both, means that even if I know there’s a pending download (ha), it’s not nearly as urgent and I can generally continue my workout.

  79. So this is Texas?*

    Alison, I saw your name in the program for the Texas Conference for Women and got excited, but then you weren’t there!

  80. Anon Anon Anon*

    I got 99 problems . . . I mean cats . . . I mean problems . . . And these are a few. (Reference to a comment somewhere above).

    #1 – My dog is a chronic whiner and occasional demand barker (occasional as in only one spout of barking per hour). I’m trying to train him to stop by ignoring it and encouraging him to ask for things by cuddling instead. He needs to be able to let me know if he really needs to go out or something is wrong, so we’re working on a communication plan.

    #2 – Making friends. Here’s what tends to happen. Either there’s just not enough common ground or one person wants to be more than friends and the other doesn’t. I’m realizing I might be a love or hate kind of person. People tend to either be uncomfortable with me or they want something more than friendship, and I just don’t feel that way about a lot of people, and that can be hard to explain. Or maybe I give off the wrong vibe. I have no idea.

    #3 – And that’s holding me back with Friday stuff and everything else because of networking. But I’m just focusing on the actual things that I’m doing and hoping that if I have enough to show for myself, it will help with the social stuff and everything else.

    #4 – My house is cold. A heater is arriving tomorrow.

    #5 – Thinking of everyone in California. Please be safe and well.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I tell my dogs “it’s okay” if they seem to be whining for no reason. If they continue, I will say, “No, stop. You are okay.” This takes a while but it seems to work after a bit. It’s almost like we have to take control over the situation and inform them that there is nothing wrong.

      If they bark, I put them out each time, every time. They quickly figure out that barking at me causes them to have to go outside even if they don’t want to. I don’t leave them outside, they go out, do their business and come back in.

      1. Anon Anon Anon*

        That sounds like a good strategy. Mine is usually whining because he wants something. He wants another walk. He wants to go out and interact with the other dogs in the neighborhood. He wants to roam and mark territory. I’ve noticed that male dogs, even if they’re neutered young, have a very strong drive to get out and explore, and they whine about it a lot.

        If I leave my dog outside when he’s feeling this way, he barks and whines at the neighbors’ dogs. So I try to tire him out with ball games. It helps.

        But I think sometimes, it is anxiety, or boredom. I try to distract him with games and then give him attention when he’s quietly chewing on a toy.

  81. Forking great username*

    My and my husband’s extended family both live within like 45 minutes of us, so we alternate holidays. It’s his family’s year for Thanksgiving and I’m already feeling grouchy about it. My family is a “the more the merrier” type with an abundance of food. They asked about my husband’s favorites years ago and always make sure to have them on hand, and are just super welcoming and awesome. (I realize I’m biased, but I’ve heard my whole life that my parents, especially my dad, are awesome and super considerate hosts.)

    My in laws (particularly my mother in law) treat me and their daughter’s husband with cold indifference – in their eyes, we basically only exist so that they can have grandchildren. They don’t like that I work full time, that I’m liberal and my husband leans more and more that way since meeting me, that we’re “strict” parents (in their eyes, strict means you follow car seat laws, don’t let your toddlers drink pop, have a bedtime for your kids, etc.) and other crap like that. And somehow there is never food I like. My fave thanksgiving food is mashed potatoes. I love potatoes! Except for scalloped potatoes. Since discovering this, my mother in law sticks with scalloped potatoes. As petty as that complaint sounds, it just feels weird and too random to be a coincidence. There is a continued pattern as if she pays attention to what I eat – anything I like is never served again, and anything I only politely eat a tiny bit of becomes a regular thing. When I offer to make something for the meal she tells me no, and if I do it anyways she is offended.

    Blah. I think I just need to get this pity party out of my system so I can suck it up and make the best of it the day of.

    1. Nacho*

      Bring your own Mashed Potatoes as a contribution to dinner. That way you’ll have your favorite food, but more importantly, it’s a Fuck You to your MiL equal to her Fuck You of making scalloped potatoes even though she knows you don’t like them.

      1. Lehigh*

        Yeah. She’ll be offended–so what? YOU’RE offended that she treats you this way, and hopefully your husband is offended too!
        I know this may not be practical for a hundred reasons, but based on just what’s written I really feel like your MIL’s feelings don’t need to be a priority. She’s being a total brat.

        1. Lehigh*

          Should have paused before I hit submit – what if your husband makes a food you love and brings it to the dinner? Let her get offended at her baby boy instead of at you.

    2. Nerdgal*

      She sounds exhausting. Can you bring a dish? Either something you love, or if you’re twisted like me, something you know she dislikes, make a big fuss that you made it just for her, sweetly insist on serving her a big helping, etc.
      At least fantasize about doing that if it helps you deal…

      1. Forking Great Username*

        He does, but this is one of those areas where it’s tricky – she’s not overt enough about it that it’s obviously bitchy. I know if either of us says something she’s going to act like it was totally not on purpose and we’re ridiculous for being offended.

        I realize I need to care less about her reaction. We don’t see them often, but was just having a day where I needed to vent. Talked to my husband after posting and he was basically like okay, le’ts not go then! I’d rather be at your parent’s for it anyways. Might take him up on this and say screw the alternating/fairness thing.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          My husband so enjoyed my father. So I am going to say, if both of you enjoy your parents then go there. We kept showing up for my inlaws and they never seemed to appreciate it. I have fond memories of going to see my father and his big display of gladness that we had arrived at his place. Perhaps we should have done more of that and let the inlaws sort themselves out. Couples need to have enjoyable times together, everything should not feel like work. Trust your husband to be an expert on matters regarding his family.

          1. Thursday Next*

            “Everything should not feel like work.”

            This is brilliant. But how does one implement it? I am just realizing how much of family stuff seems rooted at least partly in obligation.

            For example, Thanksgiving for my family of 4 will be: drive to my parents’ on Wednesday (anywhere from 3-5 hours depending on traffic), Thanksgiving dinner there—which I am preparing, as I don’t want to make work for them, drive two hours to my In laws on Friday, with food I am bringing, then two hours back to my parents that day. Probably drive back home Saturday so we have at least Sunday to relax before work/school starts.

            The visits are stressful as well because my daughter doesn’t handle long car rides well (they’re also painful due to her scoliosis), and my husband and/or I have to vigilantly supervise her at all times (because of her disabilities). Our home is set up to allow her the maximum amount of freedom and safety, but the rest of the world isn’t.

            I want my kids to see their grandparents, but it’s a lot of work!

            Now that I type this, I’m thinking we’ll spend winter break at home…

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Skype?

              I am wondering how the kid can have fun if she is in pain/discomfort.

              The first thing I picked up on here was decisions based on emotions. I know that gets me overloaded every time. So I am picturing you drive 3-5 hours with kid(s?), one with health issues then YOU cook the entire meal. whhhaattt? Okay, perhaps you can start going to a restaurant instead. Alternatively, perhaps you can order a prepared TG meal from a nearby grocery store. Or maybe you can just let your folks cook. If we try to be all things to all people we fail everyone. If we try to be all things to a few people our chances of success might be higher.

              Okay so then you run to your inlaws and then run back to your parents. With food. holy cow. Now I am back to the idea of ordering prepared food and adding extra that you can take to your inlaws.

              I am not sure of the logistics involved here. Perhaps both sets of parents could find a restaurant in between their homes that everyone could meet at and eat there. Perhaps the sets of parents do not like each other. Ugh. So you could alternate TGs with either set, one year with your parents and one year with the inlaws.

              My vote is stay home and Skype them. This isn’t a holiday this is a overtime with out pay.

            2. Lehigh*

              How about making one Thanksgiving dinner at your house, and inviting all the relatives to that? It’s unusual for the people who travel to be the ones who are preparing the food. I can’t imagine asking someone to come to my house and bring dinner unless it was an act of charity in a time of need. How are your parents and in-laws not embarrassed by this situation?

              1. Thursday Next*

                @Lehigh and NSNR: thanks for the sympathy! Logistics are just a nightmare all around. My MIL has limited mobility, and wouldn’t be able to make the trip. My parents do visit, and have been pretty game about making do with the logistics of staying over in our 2BR apartment, but their house has more space and as my dad is 79, I feel like I can’t put the burden on him all the time.

                But it is awfully hard on my daughter to spend so much time in the car, and so much time in spaces where someone is constantly following her and telling her she can’t do something.

                The other kid is autistic and has ADHD and an eating disorder, so this kind of travel is hard for him as well, but not nearly as hard as it is for my daughter. (Typing makes me realize things, holy shirt. Maybe my exhaustion is not all in my head, and wanting to stay in our apartment in PJs while the kids amuse themselves happily and safely would be the sanest thing to do.)

                Also my parents’ house is roughly halfway between our apartment and my in-laws, so as they can’t travel at all, it makes sense for us to stay at with my parents.

                I think the solution is Skype, as Not So New Reader suggests, and also saying no to visits sometimes and hardening our hearts against guilt from the ILs (my parents don’t really guilt us, since it’s easier for them to come see us).

                Also, yes to catering from Wegmans! I will place some orders ASAP! I usually cook for Thanksgiving, but screw that!

            3. WellRed*

              Whaaaat! You do the travelling and cooking and have a disabled daughter? Stay home and let them come to you, for your daughter’s sake if not for your own sanity.

            4. Natalie*

              A big part of it is just doing it, and letting the chips fall where they may.

              For example – frankly, doing two thanksgivings seems like madness to me, and I don’t have any kids, much less disabled kids, and you’re doing cooking?!?! That’s entirely too many things. Maybe it’s time to start having one Thanksgiving a year, alternating or not, whatever works for you.

        2. Bagpuss*

          It sounds like your husband is supportive, so I’d agree, go to your family instead, and let MIL stew in her own juice.
          Or is you feel you should go, get your husband to take point, so he specifically requests sides you will enjoy, on the basis *he* loves them, or just bring it along

        3. TootsNYC*

          I like the idea of not going, and “screw the fairness” thing.

          And when his mom says something, he can say, “Well, Mom, you never make her feel welcome. When I go to her family’s house, they talk to me, they make foods I like. You’re cold to my wife, and you never make any foods she enjoys. Frankly, it’s more fun to go to her family’s. Maybe next year we’ll give it a try again, and you can see if you can be more welcoming to the woman I love.”

    4. Jessen*

      I’d be real tempted to start having a stomachache or something and buy yourself a can of grocery store soup.

      1. Forking Great Username*

        This is usually what I do. I’m just being bitter. Somewhat justifiably bitter, but still.

        1. tangerineRose*

          I get it. I don’t like almost any of the Thanksgiving and Christmas traditional dishes, but at least no one is deliberately avoiding my favorite foods – it’s just how things are. I can’t imagine how I’d feel in your place. I like the idea of having your husband bring a dish of food that you like.

    6. Kathenus*

      You could also stop going there every other year. Start your own tradition of dinner at home, at least some years. Maybe invite other family, maybe just you guys. You could alternate in three year groups if you wanted – your folks, his folks, your place (or a buffet, friends, whatever).

      If you do keep going there, second Nacho’s suggestion to bring your own mashed potatoes – I’m with you on that being a favorite. Bonus points to you if you add an ingredient you know she doesn’t like (I’m just kidding on that, maybe, kinda). Also agree with Not So New Reader that your husband needs to have your back on this and proactively step in and shut down the inappropriate behavior.

      1. valentine*

        Stop going there or — and I think your family will love this — have a massive all-family event. Your family sounds like they’d love to corral your abusive in-laws.

    7. Sandman*

      My MIL is exactly like this, too. I thought it was my imagination for years until I found out in very clear terms that I wasn’t imagining anything. If this is the case, she will be unhappy and angry with you regardless of what you do or don’t do. Given that, I’d ask myself what makes best sense – which might be different each year.

    8. The Original Stellaaaaa*

      Can you have your own smaller Thanksgiving the weekend before or after? My mom usually hosts for the extended family, but in the weeks after she’ll make random do-overs of, say, my favorite sides and my brother’s favorite pie. It’s not a full-on Thanksgiving, but there’s something special about eating stuffing and pumpkin pie this time of year, and it would suck to have to wait until next year.

    9. Bluebell*

      Can you start a tradition of stopping by briefly for apps or dessert? More driving for you but it might get you points. Or have a sat or Sunday shorter getting together during the weekend.
      Just for the record my inlaws made a dinner that was pure misery for me as a fishitarian but they did love me and their son. Still one year when I stayed home sick it was a treat. Good luck!

    10. LibbyG*

      How tiresome she is!!

      My only idea is to make an experiment of it. Pick a couple sides that seems to be her favorites and then RAVE about them! Do this every time so that eventually she runs out of stuff to make.

      Or if you and your husband can have some kind of game. Like, every time X happens you get a point; every time Y happens. X is, for example, MIL says something judgy. Y is BIL gets pointedly ignored. Then you guys can silently keep score and laugh about it. Maybe you’re even trying to subtly make X happen and only your husband would know why.

      I don’t want to make light of an emotionally trying situation. I’m just thinking of ways to turn the ordeal into a spousal bonding moment.

    11. Wishing You Well*

      If nothing you do gets you any points with the in-laws, then you are very free to do whatever you want for Thanksgiving (or any other day)! Brainstorm on all alternatives to the current plan and try some new moves. What would work best for YOU?
      Life is very, very short and spending time with people who will never like you is fruitless. Avoid this. Model good self-protection behavior for your kids because they’re watching and learning from you how to act. You can do it!

  82. annakarina1*

    I’m happy having had such a chill and quiet Saturday! I read more of a sci-fi and fantasy anthology that I’ve adored, and listened to albums by Christian Scott, Herbie Hancock, Maxwell, Erykah Badu, and Karen Dalton. It felt like such a nice break to just read for four hours with laid-back music playing while my cat dozed around the place.

  83. KatieKate*

    I had most of the week off because I start a new job on Monday, but WOW am I bad at managing free time. I did okay the first few days because I had set errands in the middle of the day (haircut, Dr. Appointment,) but the past two days I haven’t left my bed/couch. I think a lot of it has to do with the bleh Chicago weather because in the summer I would just go for a long walk, but it’s been so gross out I haven’t wanted to wander outside. And now my Sunday plans have been cancelled.

    How do the rest of y’all handle large chunks of free time? I’ll have a long Thanksgiving break as well and I don’t want to do this again. I just feel like I’ve wasted my time. (Single 20 something with no dependents so I don’t even have a dog dragging me out the door)

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I’m struggling with this, but in a different way: I’m trying to be OK with not getting anything done. I mean, if I need to do something, I’ll do it, like the set errands you talked about, but some days there isn’t anything urgent. And since I usually do more time on the elliptical machine when I’m home all day, I am not so much worried about being a couch potato. Is it the lack of exercise? You can always schedule that in. Or are there long-term, less urgent things you were hoping to get done? If that’s more the case, maybe decompressing can be on your to-do list, especially between jobs. I know I liked to schedule a few days or a week off just to relax a bit, back when I was younger and had less time off.

    2. ThatGirl*

      I’m bad at this too, especially when my husband is gone. The dog needs walks but not long ones and it’s so cold now, neither of us want to be out there. Helps me to plan a few things to do and then give myself permission to vegetate.

    3. Weekend Warrior*

      I can be a slug too, left to my own devices, and then I feel guilty. What works really well for me is to draw up a very simple and pretty short to do list for the weekend or time off. The list should only have a few chore type things on it, if any, and the rest should be fun. Perfectly OK to put “watch mindless tv” or “surf the net” as items! Still satisfying to check those babies off! But also think of a few other good things you’d like to do, like see a movie, call a friend, watch a tv show, make a nice meal, and put those on the list. The more specific you can make them, eg, watch Casablanca, call Jane, watch the Detectorists, make breaded sole and green beans with lemon butter sauce, the better but not necessary. YMMV re the examples! The trick is to keep it all very simple.

    4. Square Root Of Minus One*

      Congrats on the new job !
      In a 5-day or more free period, if I’m staying home, I tend to schedule a deep cleaning. I want my home pristine when I go back to work, it’s that much less to worry about.
      For shorter periods I plan a few things to be done within half the time (basic cleaning, cooking, hairdresser, paperwork, whatever) and relax the other half.

  84. Nerdgal*

    She sounds exhausting. Can you bring a dish? Either something you love, or if you’re twisted like me, something you know she dislikes, make a big fuss that you made it just for her, sweetly insist on serving her a big helping, etc.
    At least fantasize about doing that if it helps you deal…

  85. Sam Sepiol*

    So, I have a kid in the 7-10 age bracket, and this time last year I left her father, who was emotionally abusive to me. I’m in the family home and ex had a new house.

    I need to move, because I cannot bear being here in this house with so many shitty memories. But the kid gets extremely upset at the mere thought of losing the place where her family was whole. I’m at the limits of what I can change; is not helping. I feel like I either get traumatised by staying or she gets traumatised by leaving. Any thoughts on how to navigate this?

    1. Sam Sepiol*

      PS People keep saying “oh just move kids are resilient she’ll be fine” but… I don’t think that’s fair on kids. Also my family moved when I was a similar age and it was awful for many reasons, so it just seems unfair to deny that. I guess I’m more asking for ways I can make it less traumatic. Or am I being melodramatic? I don’t think I am, but maybe?

      1. yo*

        A lot of what made moving difficult when I was that age was leaving friends/what I knew behind. If possible, could you move within the same town so she stays at the same school and can still see her friends?

        2. Sam Sepiol*

          Oh we’ll be staying very close. I don’t want to move her school. It’s the house she’s extremely attached to though.

          1. Foreign Octopus*

            It sounds like there’s a lot of negative change happening in her life at the moment and she’s clinging onto something that’s familiar and comfortable. I’ve always subscribed to the idea of treating children as just very small adults and talking to them about it.

            Have you tried sitting down with your daughter and talking to her about what she’s afraid of and why she doesn’t want to move? She might also want to hear why you want to move – and I’m not suggesting you tell her that her father was abusive but if there are some child friendly reasons as to why then that might be good. Children like to feel involved and trusted, by including her in the discussion it might help her feel better about everything.

            I’m sorry that you’re going through this and, if you can, counselling for your daughter could help.

            Good luck with everything.

      2. Someone Else*

        I don’t know what you should do, but if you decide not to move because of the kid, just make sure you don’t openly resent her for it. My mother apparently didn’t do….a lot of things….supposedly because of me and my needs as a child, and since my twenties loves to remind/blame me. And at the time (being 8 years old), I had no idea that this was happening. Not saying you would, but if you make the choice in favor of your child’s comfort over your own now, it’ll be more damaging to hold it against her later.

    2. Kathenus*

      Obviously a sensitive issue, so I’m just tossing out a few thoughts but it could also be worth getting the advice of a child/family therapist on this.

      I moved a bunch as a kid, and while it can be stressful I also think that at least one move in a child’s life helps them learn adaptation and coping skills, which can be useful later in life. Not wanting to minimize her being upset, but kids get upset at moving all the time – leaving friends, school, etc. – but sometimes life happens and you move, and you deal.

      Maybe she could be involved in finding/selecting the new place, or find a house feature she’d love and focus on houses with that as an incentive to get her more excited about it. There are many life events that children don’t get to be the decider on, but they can be a partner in the choices of how to move forward – just not being given power over the decision of whether or not the event happens.

      I heard or read something that really stuck with me years ago, this was related to possessions, and being willing to let go of things – the item itself has no actual power, it’s the memories. Letting go of the item does not equate to erasing the memories. Maybe certain things in the house could become the focal points for that past life, which can be moved?

      I lean towards you moving but trying to empower her in that process. First, I think that you’ll be a better mother to her if you are in a place that isn’t causing you daily stress – this will have a more lasting effect on her well-being than a (hopefully) short-term unhappiness resulting from a move. And it will teach her how to adjust to difficult things, which is something that will come in handy throughout her life. Best of luck in whatever you decide.

      1. Thursday Next*

        This is wonderful and thoughtful advice. 7-10 is a great age range for having more input in how changes are made, even if the child doesn’t get to decide whether the changes are made.

        I’m a big proponent of seeking the advice of a child psychologist for these kinds of questions. And as fposte noted, therapy could be useful for your child, too.

        It’s admirable that you want to consider and honor your child’s attachment to the house. Sometimes, though, you need to value your own needs above your child’s, precisely because doing so will help you be a better parent. It sounds like this might be one of those situations.

        Best wishes to you.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        “…she could be involved in finding/selecting the new place…”
        I’ve heard from friends whose parents had them help househunting and I did it as a parent. Yes buy-in helps…my daughter picked her room and now if she has a complaint, the offer to let her switch her room with the guest room or with the office will turn her positive instead of whiny.

        Do ask her…maybe you’ll luck into a friend from school she would like to live near. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.

        If you choose to stay, give yourself permission to change the house. Move YOUR bedroom, replace the front door, remove the back yard ” feature” your ex put in, paint the kitchen your favorite color, plant a flower garden where your ex had grass… let your mind free and see if it helps.

        Good luck!

    3. The Original Stellaaaaa*

      If you’re going to move, move now. My family moved a lot when I was in my formative years, and I don’t have memories associated with any individual home. It’s not something I regret, or something that affects me in any significant way, but sometimes my younger siblings will talk about having grown up and spent a chunk of years in one house, and I was already too old to have had that particular “growing up experience” about a house. I hope this makes sense.

      It’s not a big deal to me to have missed out on that, but if you think your daughter is the kind of kid who will want to feel that way about her childhood, it’s something for you to keep in mind. My adolescence was definitely pretty unmoored.

    4. Anon Anon Anon*

      If your ex was emotionally abusive to you, he may have been to her too and she might not be aware of it yet because she’s too young. Meaning that in time, she might also have shitty memories of that house. But right now, she wants stability.

      Can you make changes to the house to make it seem like a different place? Paint or redecorate? If you move, could you make it a slow process and really involve her in choosing the new place so it’s not as scary? If you started going to open houses just for fun, she might start to enjoy it and get into the idea of house hunting.

      1. tangerineRose*

        And/or move furniture around so it feels more like your place? The dollar store has lots of fake flowers and plastic vase-like things, which I’ve used to cheer up my house – maybe that would help?

    5. Sam Sepiol*

      I wanted to replyto the individual comments but it’s a bit overwhelming so I’ll just say thank you all, there’s some really useful stuff here which I think will help. Much appreciated.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        It’s easy to see having the same four walls each day is a form of continuity in the middle of huge life changes. It might help if you point out the things that have not changed. She still has you, her school and her friends. Perhaps there are actively caring relatives that the two of you know, so they would be a source of more continuity.

        I think it’s important to acknowledge out loud that “yes, this is a huge life change and it’s okay to talk about that”. It’s the things we don’t talk about that fester and get large.

        Just a random suggestion, my friend was concerned about her child, who was approaching 10. His dad had split the scene for whatever reason. She decided it might be a good idea to get a pup. She chose a dog that was a small breed dog so it would be easier to manage. She commented regularly on what happened next. Her child was hurrying home to see the pup after school. The child and pup played together for hours. Eventually she allowed the child to take the dog for walks and they went everywhere together. She blew $100 that she really did not have on that pup and it turned out to be way more of an investment than she ever dreamed.
        YMMV, of course.

    6. ..Kat..*

      Given that you will be happier in a different house, a different house means living with a less stressed you. Which can mean a happier child. Children cling to that which is familiar, even if it is something bad/stressful. Get therapists for each of you and then move.

    7. Sam Sepiol*

      Thank you all so much for these responses. They are all really helpful. Much appreciated. I’ll report back!

    8. TootsNYC*

      can you redecorate massively? New furniture, new paint, new carpet?

      Switch bedrooms with her; or make yourself a new bedroom in the basement?

      Shake it up, as much as you possibly can.

      Heck, see if you can move the stairs, or even just change out the bannisters.

      1. TootsNYC*

        You could maybe try that, if you can find a way to do it without blowing a ton of money. And see if it helps.

        (It might help you to “piss all over” the house, to make it hours, like a cat does)

    9. TootsNYC*

      I don’t know if you’ll see this, since I’m late to the party.

      I watched the movie “Lady Bird” last night; the one bonding thing the mother and daughter to is to go to real estate open houses on Sundays. They wander through all these houses, dreaming, even though they know they’ll never move.

      Maybe you could get your daughter to do that with you for awhile, without any solid plans to actually move, but just to “see what’s out there” and “look into other people’s lives.”

      That might ease her into the idea.

  86. Merci Dee*

    Keep your fingers crossed, everyone….

    Last week, I ordered a lovely blue Lodge enamel Dutch oven, and it arrived on Sunday. Because we had monthly reports for HQ and fixed asset inventory this week, and because my daughter had a science project that took all week to complete, I didn’t get to use the new cookware.

    Well.

    Got some awesome ingredients yesterday, and I have a huge pot of New Orleans red beans simmering on the stove. One hour of cook time down, two more to go. I’m praying this comes out good, because the smell is heavenly and I’m going to cry if the flavor just sucks.

    I’ll update later after having a healthy portion of red beans and rice. If the aroma doesn’t drive me crazy first!!

    Link for the recipe including in a separate post below.

      1. Merci Dee*

        Update:

        The flavor from this recipe is absolutely divine, but the instructions are a lying liar who lies in one respect – there is no way you’re simmering down 10 cups of water into a pot of juicy-but-not-watery beans in only 3 hours.

        I turned the pot down to a simmer from a full boil at 5:00, and at 8:30 we finally gave in and had bowls of red bean soup for dinner. I let it continue to simmer until about 10:00, and it looked like it was starting to get the right consistency. I’ve got it in the fridge for the night, and I think it’ll be perfect for tomorrow. And the flavor will be even better than it was tonight.

        Lesson learned: start this recipe no later than 10:00 a.m. for dinner at 5:00. And only cook it on a day I have no errands to run.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I don’t think I’ve ever found a recipe that was accurate in the amount of time it’s supposed to take to simmer down the liquid. It’s so annoying, especially when it’s WAY off like the recipe you tried. I always wonder if it’s a problem with my stove, the pan I’m using, the ingredients, did I read the recipe wrong, etc.

          1. Merci Dee*

            I just figured that my definition of “simmer” was different than the recipe’s definition. I think the recipe is going with the “two bubbles less per second than a full rolling boil” definition, because the cooking instructions state several times that you can add more water if your beans are getting too thick and pasty. And I’m like, “Really? How hard are you cooking those poor beans that you’ve blown through 10 cups water in 2 hours and need to add more?”

      2. Merci Dee*

        One other thing….

        The recipe says to mash about half the beans against the sides of the pot after about 2 hours of cooking to help thicken the mixture. That sounded like a good opportunity to splash half my beans across the stove and floor, so I turned down that invitation. Instead, I ladled about half of the mix into the bowl I soaked the beans overnight and used my potato masher to get them smashed into a nice pasty consistency to thicken up the rest of the batch. No fuss, no muss.

      1. Merci Dee*

        The recipe I included in the link is really good. Just takes longer than the 3 hours of simmer time called for in the instructions. Maybe closer to 5 or 6. Hope you enjoy it if you try it!

        1. Overeducated*

          Thanks! Good to know. I think last time I made red beans and rice it was an instant pot recipe, so I’ll have to compare.

    3. CAA*

      Oh nice! I just this afternoon went to the Le Creuset outlet store and bought a Dutch oven in Caribbean Blue. Right now it’s sitting on my stove and I’m just admiring how gorgeous it is. I’m going to make no knead bread first, but then I’ll be moving on to braises and stews. Your red beans and rice sound excellent. I hope you enjoy the meal and your new Dutch oven.

      1. Merci Dee*

        My kitchen, living, and dining area is all one open space. I’ve had my lovely ombre blue dish sitting on my countertop range all week, and it made me smile the whole time. Every night when I stood at the kitchen sink to take my vitamins and allergy meds, I would stroke its shiny surface and murmur sweet nothings about all the beans, soups, and roasts we would make together.

        Naturally, my daughter would just sigh and roll her eyes at me. How in the world do teens push that much air out of their lungs without crumpling into a heap on the ground? I must’ve done it at her age, but I don’t remember how. If I tried it now, I’d pass out from lack of oxygen.

    4. Bluebell*

      I love my bright blue Lodge Dutch oven! It stays on the stove all the time and makes me happy to look at it.

      1. Merci Dee*

        That’s where mine is going to live, too. It’s too pretty to put away…. also, too big to fit in the cabinet. ;)

  87. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    Late to this, but dog people: How the HELL do you control very large dogs?

    My neighbor is having a foot surgery and needs a steady dog walker. I was told she had three Golden Retrievers- awesome, I love them!

    But they’re that really big English type. I’ve only ever worked with dogs under 70 pounds before. These guys are 100 easy and they can *collude*.

    Fortunately they have nice personalities but oh boy do they ever pull and get tangled up! I have permission to be strict with them, have treats for them, and was told the words they use- they sometimes just don’t want to listen.

    1. Anona*

      Ooh! We have a very exciteable 90lb chocolate lab. A miracle product is a Halti or Holt harness (same thing, diff brand names). It goes on their face, around their nose, and clips both behind their ears, to their collar, and to their leash. I believe it works by tightening slightly around their nose if they pull on the leash. My parents have one for their dog too. It makes them walk like a dream. Our dog always slightly resists putting his on, but once it’s on he walks so well!

    2. Tipcat*

      My lab is 85 pounds. I took her to obedience classes. I had to get a pinch collar and we barely passed. She knows now that there is no point fighting so she obeys and doesn’t get pinched. I don’t like it but it’s the only way I can control her.

    3. LCL*

      I don’t know of anyone who isn’t a professional dog walker that could handle three 100 pound dogs on leash at once. I would actually consider a pinch collar, if she would allow it. It’s like a bit for a horse-it looks inhumane and cruel, but if you are gentle and paying attention you won’t hurt them. I have never had to use a pinch collar, but my mom got two on my recommendation so she could walk her two Bernese mountain dogs, each of which outweighed her.

      1. Green Kangaroo*

        Yes to the pinch collar. I would advise buying two or three of the smallest ones and connecting them…the links make it easy to do this. Then it’s much lighter and less harsh, since the links are tiny but the overall effect is the same. I use this with my 150 lb. Anatolian; he’s a sweet dog but very lively.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      https://www.chewy.com/sporn-training-dog-halter-black/dp/131831

      I favor this type of harness because it does not pull on their throats and damage their voice box etc.

      It also really works. You do have to “explain” it to them. This means the first time you use it, give it a gentle tug so they see what it is and how it works. I have used a similar thing on my last two dogs and while they understand what the harness does they are not upset by it because they know they are going for a walk which they love.

      My current dog is the strongest dog I have ever had. My friend likes to walk my dog. He is 5’11” and 250 pounds. He won’t walk the dog with out the harness because the dog is so flippin’ strong and the dog is even able to yank my strong friend around.

      It takes a minute to get the harness on them correctly as it can kind of be confusing at first. But you will get used to it and they will too. It won’t be long and it will be a matter of a just a few minutes of time to get them in their harnesses and go for a walk.

    6. Dear liza dear liza*

      Retrievers tend to pull; my limit is two at one time, and they walked pretty well on leash. Your situation sounds challenging indeed!

      The best solution really depends on the dog. My lab pulled more with the halter type, so we used the prong. But it took working with a trainer and two weeks of dedicated training walks for the collar to really work.

    7. KR*

      The solution is difficult because they aren’t your dogs and I’m assuming you don’t want to buy a special collar or leash. I would suggest walking them separately. The biggest risk is you losing hold of them because with a big dog like that you can’t easily get them out of a scuffle with another dog or catch up to them if they run (ask me about separating a bad fight between a great Pyrenees and a huge English lab… Terrifying and difficult and the only reason I did it is because I knew the great Pyrenees extremely well). My friend has ~100lb goldens and I won’t walk them both by myself. My neighbor has huskies taller than me when they’re on their hind legs that like to jump. When I had to check in on them I had to remember that a lot of times bigger dogs don’t mind being firmly knee’d to get them to let you walk out the door, or you have to give them a little smack on the rump because they’re so excited they don’t notice you telling them to not crush you with kisses. The smack doesn’t always work – with my friends goldens they just think you’re playing but sometimes it’s nessecary. My neighbor tells me to just push/knee her huskies when I need to. They don’t care and they won’t listen if I’m as gentle with them as my own dogs. Good luck, be safe, and make sure you have big dog bags!!

  88. Lauren*

    The guys that are like are usually very smart, tall, handsome (I think), but socially they’re shy and awkward. I’m not the most outgoing person either, but it’s frustrating because some of them have literally run away from me. I can be very shy and I get nervous around guys, but I tried talking to one guy I like now and he was very abrupt and walked off. He seems to slowly warm up to people and I notice him staring at me a lot when he thinks I’m not looking, but we have never had an actual conversation. I try to be friendly, but what else can I do? Am I going after the wrong type of guy? Is there something that I’m missing? I know that things like this aren’t always easy, but is it always this hard?

    1. fposte*

      I’d say yes, it can be that hard with really awkward people. Sometimes they just need some ripening and experience before they’re ready to engage; he may not be at a life stage where he can negotiate this. I’m coming from an older perspective here, but to me he sounds like too much work right now–if he’s so awkward that you have to handle all the emotional labor of connection and he still walks away from you, that’s a hard thing to base a relationship on. There are plenty of awkward guys who will happily talk to you and not require you to tiptoe around them lest they flee–what about considering some of them?

  89. Elizabeth West*

    Anybody have a thing where if you’re lying with your neck propped up on a pillow, like on a sofa, you get a headache? I do, so today I saw some squishy travel pillows at Aldi, and I bought one. It’s supporting my head better; hopefully there will be no headache. I used to have one of those weird little pillows with the polystyrene beads inside that twisted into different shapes (Total Pillow I think it was called), but it popped and they don’t make them anymore.

    Plus, the one I got today was only $5 and it was a kid one with Avengers on it, so yeah. :D

    1. Miki*

      Headache and then vomiting. Yep. Turns out I messed up a thoracic vertebrae somehow. Chiropractor every 3 days.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I think this is the problem. I retire old bed pillows onto the sofa bed and they’re always a little less squishy than new pillows. It could also be the way I lie on them. But if my neck feels crunched, now I have a small Cap/Black Panther/Iron Man to help me. :)

  90. Free Meerkats*

    I stopped for gas yesterday, and when I tried to start the car, just grinding from the starter. Luckily, the shop I use is next to the gas station I was at, with a connecting driveway. So we pushed it into a bay, service manager cranked (ground) it, and said, “Yep, needs a starter.” But they’re on winter hours and not open on Saturday, and I didn’t ask if they’re open on the Monday holiday. I had planned to go to the Auto Show Monday, but don’t have wheels to get to the train, so not going to happen.

    Plan, and the Gods laugh.

    1. Rebecca*

      At least it happened within pushing distance of the shop, and no tow bill needed :) I always try to look on the bright side!

    2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Sorry to hear. (Sympathy here, had both a power steering pump and starter replaced on the truck I’m trying to sell, this week! ARGH… made the vet bill for the last 3 months look smaller).
      I wound up taking a cab (not uber, cab was sitting right there at the train station), for part of my journeying, and it wasn’t cheap, but only about half as much as I’d feared. Joy, it let me not be “stuck” at home when I had to get something done… just a thought. My next step was going to be taking the bus and walking a bit, but that was an extra 45-55 minutes (and I was taking time off work for the trek, so the cab made sense).
      Just thought I’d toss that out.

  91. Nervous Accountant*

    Want to get others’ take on this—in a home/family of say 12-50 kids, is it wrong/impolite to buy something for 2-3 of them and not for everyone else?

    It’s something I come across when I visit in-laws or relatives back home. I will see something that I really would love to get someone but then I remember they have siblings and someone would get offended etc etc. you can’t really buy for just one or two people.

    Wonder how others do this.

    1. Someone Else*

      If you’ll be seeing them all, yeah that’d not be cool. If you might only see the 2-3 you wanted to gift, you could explain it away as “only gifts for people who you were with in person”. I’ve also known families who only did gifts for kids under a certain age as well. With those types of guidelines in place, it could be OK, but otherwise it’d probably hurt feelings.

    2. LilySparrow*

      We did a gift exchange, basically assigning Secret Santa’s. Not something you can do all on your own, though.

      If you can meet with them at different times so you’re not handing them presents in front of the whole group, I think it’s fine.
      I mean, you’re talking about adult siblings and their kids, right? It wouldn’t be kosher to gift one minor kid in a family and leave their siblings out, no.

    3. Kathenus*

      If it’s on a holiday, without the structure of something like a secret Santa, then I agree with others that it could be problematic. But if it’s at random times, and over time all are included, I think it can work.

      You happen to see an small item that is very specific to one or two of the kids, give it to them in a low-key way on a non-holiday. Then other kids get random things here or there as you happen across them. There has to be some intentionality to it and you may need to find something for a few who you don’t happen to run across things for. And I think even clearly saying that you just happened across this small thing and it seemed perfect for so and so for this particular reason.

      I think the keys to this approach are small, low cost items; not associating them with a holiday; keeping the giving part low key (not hiding it but not a lot of fanfare); and including everyone over time.

      I’ve done this with my work team. I found things for direct reports that seemed just perfect for one person, and worried about getting it just for them, but went ahead and did it and now do with the others occasionally. There are a couple that have been hard to include naturally by happening across something so I’ve had to work to find something to include them. I probably only do this a few times a year for one or the other person. When I travel for work I’ll also get every one something small or some treat for the team at times but I keep it all random enough to not set up an expectation of it every time.

  92. SandrineSmiles (France)*

    I’ve been in my new apartment for a week.

    I’m still terrified quite often (it’s really a first for me, I mean I moved in with Boyfriend 1, then back to Mom’s, then Boyfriend 2, then back to Mom’s, then I moved in on my own but Boyfriend 3 was joining me anyway, then moved in somewhere else with Boyfriend 3, then back to Mom’s and now here) .

    I had my first official dinner guests tonight. One of them, a good friend, helped me out with groceries because that’s how he rolls, and I was really stressed about the whole thing because FIIIIIIIIIIIIIRSSSSSSSSST and having firsts like that at 35 years old feels weird, but oh well.

    I fed them enough, we talked quite a bit (I mean, the male guests were actually Boyfriend 1 and Boyfriend 2 hahaha) , they liked the main dish (chicken with cream and mustard sauce, and diced onions in there too, served with rice) and everything was just fine. BF2 gave me a belated birthday gift (a really nice geeky cookbook where I’ll HAVE to try some of the recipes) and BF1 and his girlfriend gave me a nice small appliance that I’d been looking at getting for myself and everything was just really really cool.

    It’s almost 4 AM and I was waiting for the stress to go down before going to sleep but mayyyyyyyyybe I’ll try laying down now.

    Whew, didn’t expect I would feel like that but it’s done now. Does anyone remember their first official dinner in their first ever place of their own ?

    1. Red Reader*

      I made mac and cheese for the first dinner in this house. One housemate ate too much and got a stomachache. The other, not to be outdone, promptly ruptured his appendix and spent three days in the hospital. I told them both I would try not to be offended :)

    2. CoffeeOnMyMind*

      It was thanksgiving and the turkey wouldn’t fit in the oven so I made a chicken instead. It was lemon thyme chicken and turned out well. I honestly don’t remember much of the dinner, other than it went fine. What sticks out in my memory is the chaos of prepping all the food – it was a small apartment with very little counter space – and the moment of terror when I realized the turkey wouldn’t fit in the oven. I survived, but I swore off hosting thanksgiving for several years after that.

    3. Zona the Great*

      Is this actually the French version of Bridget Jones? I feel like we were only missing the blue soup! So much fun to read, Sandrine!

      My first dinner in my own home was cooked in a toaster oven and served on the sofa while watching coverage of Osama bin Laden’s assassination. I lived in someone’s walk-out basement and taught school nearby. It was also very Rom-Com-esque now that I think about it! I just never got laid, sadly ;-).

  93. Dance-y Reagan*

    I am incredibly sick of my husband wearing his hair long. He embodies every ADD cliche in the book, and now with long hair he has added hair ties to the list of things he is careless about losing and leaving lie all over the house. Twice today I have fished a ponytail holder out of the jaws of a cat. I told him that if his irresponsible behavior leads to an animal hospital visit, he is paying the vet bill and then shaving his head.

    2. valentine*

      I hope you’ve backtracked that awful threat. It’s not the hair. It’s the ties. Can he get into the habit of putting the ties on his wrist and looking there first if he needs a tie?

      1. Thursday Next*

        I have sympathy for someone trying to keep dangerous items out of the mouths of cats. It’s not an awful threat, considered in the context of fear for their cats’ safety.

        Yes to the suggestion of putting the ties on his wrist.

        1. tangerineRose*

          Leaving something like this out could kill the cat. Cats like playing with and sometimes eating hair ties, and eating hair ties can cause serious issues requiring surgery.

  94. New Girl*

    I wish people would be more understanding that just because someone is family that you are not required to put up with their toxic behavior. My friends have been going on about how they don’t understand how some body could *not* have their sibling or their SOs sibling in their wedding party. Meanwhile I’m contemplating if I want to give my brother another chance and even invite him to my wedding. Wish this stuff was a little easier!

    1. Red Reader*

      Huh. Neither of my sibs was able to attend my wedding (and I wasn’t able to attend my brother’s). Most of my husband’s sibs weren’t even invited to our wedding. (I haven’t actually even met most of them.) Do what works for you, and someday your friends will figure out that they’re either remarkably lucky in their relationships with their family, or grossly overestimating their obligations to same. :)

    2. Not So NewReader*

      They don’t have to understand why you won’t invite your brother. Only you need to understand why. My suggestion is to stop wishing they would understand. I wasted a lot of time trying to get the dense people to understand things. They never did. All that wasted time could have been spent on doing things that would make my life better.
      You could say, “I am glad you do not understand because that means you have not had this experience. Please trust me to be the best judge of how I need to handle things.”

    3. Zona the Great*

      I get this all the time from folks who are on the periphery of mine and my father’s relationship. He was my lifelong bully until I broke away in my 20s. Now he’s barely functioning, has severe emotional problems, and refuses to get help with mental illness. I hear people tell me all the time, “but your dad was so nice!” Well I’m glad he was so nice to you, dear stranger,

    4. LilySparrow*

      I know you’re overwhelmed with wedding stuff right now, but when that’s all over, you can start your next to-do list with item one: look for more mature friends.

    5. ..Kat..*

      “Close family members know intimate details about you. The fact that you don’t understand means you have never had someone like this weaponize their knowledge against you. Consider yourself lucky. This subject is closed.”

    6. Wicked Witch of the West*

      Around 15 years ago I was at a bridal shower for a good friend. First marriage, in her thirties. When she got there she kind of looked around and said: I got some really good news today. Sometimes my mouth gets ahead of my brain and I blurted out: your brother got arrested. She grinned really big and gave a big YES! He was a drug addict who had fallen off the wagon and she was really worried he would show up at the wedding and cause a scene.
      Only you know your situation. Do what is right for you.

  95. GROSS stuff Alert-Kuododi*

    Hi there!!! BIG heads up!!! This question is about to get gross however I need help before I start contemplating illegal forms of stress management!!!!

    My youngest mini-daschund has been eating his poop again:(. DH and I thought he was done with that horrible activity about 6-8 months ago when he got the all-clear after a kidney infection. There’s been no changes in the house routine. (Woops…as I typed that sentence I remembered, I have been in recovery mode from my last Carpal Tunnel surgery. Was just cleared last week to resume lifting more than 5 lbs with the affected hand.) The little scoundrel will run around the house like he’s been set on fire….cop a squat and grab a chunk to play keep away and then snack on. GACK!!! Physically I think he’s going to outlive the entire family. Both my doxies are well loved, played with regularly and simply adore each other. Need help!!!! Please!!!!

    1. Dianda*

      First off, if you haven’t seen a vet about this, do that now. Make sure there are no medical reasons for this and that he’s in good health and digesting food well.

      Then, you say he does it to play “keep away. That suggests you are chasing him to try to get the poop away from him, which is likely to be reinforcing the behavior. It’s probably an attention thing. Try to not react, don’t chase him, don’t give him the response he wants. You can use baby gates or a trailing indoor leash (these are great for dogs which have indoor behavior issues) to prevent him getting enough room to run around too much. The indoor leash is great as you can just step on the end to stop him getting away but he won’t connect it to you. Then you can wait him out, and reward him with treats and attention when he drops the poop. If he eats it, ignore him. Reinforce the behavior you want, always.

      You say he gets played with, but boredom could still be a factor. Try increasing playtime and walks as much as you can, making sure he gets tired out to the point of choosing to stop playing and lie down, and try other ways to stimulate him mentally such as a puzzle feeder or a Kong chew filled with suitable treats (mine love frozen peanut butter).

    2. Not So NewReader*

      This might be a nutritional problem, where they are passing out nutrients that they need so poop becomes appealing to them.
      I believe you can find stuff at the pet store to put in your dog’s food that will make the poop repulsive to them again.
      But do get to a vet to find out why. Animals intuitively know that poop and pee are unhealthy. An animal who plays or rolls in his own waste is crying out for help.

    3. Ron McDon*

      I remember watching an episode of ‘it’s me or he dog) with Victoria Stilwell where she dealt with a dog doing this.

      IIRC, it’s quite a hard habit to break a dog of, requiring a consistent approach. Basically, the dog enjoys the game of being chased, and all the attention. I think her recommendation was to ignore the behaviour, but I cannot remember what else she suggested, sorry! You may be able to find the episode on YouTube, or I think her website is good.

  96. AvonLady Barksdale*

    We are in the Caribbean for my partner’s sister’s wedding, which was last night. This whole trip–which we weren’t really looking forward to– has been kind of… fraught, I suppose. Disorganized and seriously expensive, and we’re not island lovers (this one is even tougher as it’s struggling to recover from a hurricane, so very limited hotel options and a lot of construction), but hey, it’s a nice occasion. Then during the wedding itself, someone very close to both kids referred to their former stepmother as “mother of the bride” and no one mentioned their late mother at all, and she died 8 years ago so it’s not like she didn’t raise them both. My partner is really hurt by this and we think their mother’s best friend was too, since she disappeared at some point during the evening without saying goodbye to my partner. It was the unfortunate icing on a mess of a cake and I just feel so sad for him.

    1. Temperance*

      Are you in Puerto Rico? I apologize if you don’t want to answer, I’ve just been hoping to visit again soon.

  97. Jessen*

    Update – thanks everyone last week who gave me cat food suggestions! I got tests results back Monday, she’s showing no signs of any problems other than the weight loss. I switched her to the purina pro plan savor blend, which she seems to be gobbling down, and added some broth treat pouches to her wet food. She’s been chowing down happily and sucking up all the petting and adoration I’ll give her.

  98. Loopy*

    I CAN’T BELIEVE I FORGOT TO TELL YOU AAM!!!I’m entered my very first bake-off this week! I’m So beyond excited because of course I can’t do a tried and true recipe, I had to find something new and fun! I’ll post my planned recipes in the comments. One question: I know my preference for which apples I like in pies, but one recipe had apple pieces baked into a cupcake. Does anyone know if that changes the apple type best to use???

    It’s very low stakes (for a small giftcard and bragging rights at You-Know-Where) so I hope asking that isn’t cheating :P

    Mostly, I am just super excited. A new season of GBBO is on Netflix and I’ll be watching to get even more hyped up!

      1. Red Reader*

        I am a big fan. I think that’s the site where I did … cheesecake-stuffed chocolate cupcakes? So good.

        1. Loopy*

          Good to know others are fmailiar with it and have had successes. I *just*found it so taking a bit of a risk on using it for a bake-off!

    2. CAA*

      Apples behave about the same in cakes or pies. Pick something like Granny Smith if you want the chunks to hold their shape during baking. The tartness is also a nice contrast to a sweet cake and gives you a burst of apple flavor when you get a bite of it. A juicy eating apple like Red Delicious will almost melt into the cake and make it sweeter in a subtle way.

      Good luck!

      1. Loopy*

        This is great to know! For a loaf or a muffin I wouldn’t mind chunks, but for a light, moist cupcake, I feel like it might be a little jarring. I went with honeycrisp.

  99. I Love Thrawn*

    I need help. My 14 year old cat, Princess Leia, is sick. She needs bloodwork done as soon as I can, but I just don’t have the money for it. She started throwing up unrestrainedly about a week ago, so I took her to the ER vet for supportive care. I finally got her stable, got her eating again but last night she got sick again. Without the testing they can’t do anything more. The big question now is, is it easily treatable or something truly nasty?

    I’ve started a GoFundMe for her; the page can be found if you Google gofundme.com/princess-leia-medical-testing. We’re in Tallahassee. Frankly, my emotional and mental well being rests on my cats being healthy; they keep me stable and relatively sane. I have no one else. I know we all have our problems, and it’s truly awful to ask strangers for money for my cat but perhaps someone out there will be moved to help her.

    Of course, prayers and good thoughts for her are also greatly appreciated. Thanks.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Prayers and good thoughts winging their way to you and your kitty. While you are sorting this, I would seriously consider getting some Pepto for her. She does not need a large dose because her body is tiny compared to ours. So little bit maybe twice a day might help. It sounds like a digestive track issue? Pepto will calm things down all through the digestive track- stomach, intestines. This might knock back some of the pressure on the situation for you while you work on your main plan.

      1. I Love Thrawn*

        Thanks for the idea. I think it’s GI related too, since the anti nausea injection worked the first time. But the vet really wants to rule out, or in, any thing major like kidney, thyroid, etc.

        1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

          If you are truly broke (and trust me, I’ve been there), “ruling things out” by running tests can be beastly expensive – and in some cases, not feasible. What I did (there was a thread on this on the weekend a week or two ago), was ask what we’d learn from the test, and if it would change the life expectancy… and set and kept to my budget. I wound up not running the tests, and just treating the low cost, medication “and-if-it-doesn’t-get-better”approach. It is hard to admit when you don’t have the funds. (Family member spent over 10,000 on credit cards, and they never DID find anything wrong with her pet at the UC Davis animal hospital – MANY tests run!). Came home and recovered without any intervention. So do remember that you have – we all have – limitations, and sometimes they do just get gastritis. Or they have congestive heart failure, but there is nothing more than medication that you can do. So research and ask about the outcomes you can expect. And do not feel guilty if it “is” her time to go. We do, and they do, all die in the end. Make it her best time ever if that’s the case (I’m doing the doggie bucket list here with my little fur baby right now, so … YMMV on where you are in the thinking process..). Hug.

          1. I Love Thrawn*

            I agree with you. Many years ago I worked for vets, saw some of the behind the scenes reality that made me want to not go overboard with treatments. It’s my opinion that she has GI problems, maybe IBS. I’ve got a list in my head of lines I’m not crossing medically, but I do need to do the basic blood panel to see what there is to see.

  100. StudentA*

    I hope this is kosher, but I really just want to give a special shout out to Not So New Reader. NSNR, you always give such thoughtful insight in such a non-preachy way. You are so empathetic without being schmaltzy. Thank you for being such a cool presence on AAM :)

    I haven’t seen fposte in a while. I hope you’re ok, f.

    2. fposte*

      Hi–I’m okay and thanks for asking! I had a super-busy 2018 and am just beginning to emerge.

      And definitely add my name to the love for Not So New Reader.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Awwww, guys….

      I can assure you it’s a drop in the bucket, as I have learned so much here with everyone’s willingness to share their thoughts, perspectives and knowledge. If I had a dime for every time someone asked me, “How did you know xyz?” I’d be pretty well off, and it is because of you guys and reading here. I am the one getting a gift here.

      fposte, I hope things slow down a bit for you and I hope you are feeling well. I always enjoy your stuff and look for you. If you are ever in NYS…..

    6. Mimmy*

      Joining in the love for NSNR. You have always been so supportive and insightful. I sometimes want to cry reading your replies to my posts because they come across so genuine.

      I know you’ve asked me a couple of times about vision impairment, so please keep me in mind if any other questions come up :)

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Thank you so much Mimmy. I will probably come back to questions as my beloved boss’ vision is getting dimmer and dimmer. She’s good peeps, Mimmy and she helped a lot of people. I wanna be there for her.

  101. StudentA*

    Looking for your favorite AAM threads. I loved the bird phobia one, which you guys recommended unanimously the last time I asked this question, and am almost all caught up. I am a Sunday AAMer, so I am not in the loop as far as the rest of the site, for the most part. Where should I head to next?

    2. Detective Amy Santiago*

      “my coworker stole my spicy food” and the update was probably the letter that got me super into AAM.

      some other classics are “my coworker wants us to call her boyfriend master” , “an employee is putting magic curses on her coworker”, and “our boss will fire us if we don’t sign up to be a liver donor”

      for more recent stuff (like this year), check out Alison’s post from Friday calling for updates.

    3. LGC*

      Please read the “my new job is a nightmare built on a hellmouth” letter from a couple of weeks ago, because that one was an experience.

      https://www.askamanager.org/2018/10/my-new-job-is-a-nightmare-built-on-a-hellmouth.html

      Also, the exhibitionist receptionist has a fond place in my heart, because…I mean, look at the URL:

      https://www.askamanager.org/2018/03/jane-has-lost-her-mind.html

      The one that actually got me into AAM was the un-manager with the employee that didn’t fit in with her clique. It’s not an entertaining read per se, but it just resonated personally with me (and now that I think about it, I want her to provide another update as to how she’s doing!). I’m not linking that one, since I think you want more of the wild stories, but that was from…last year, I think.

    4. fposte*

      In the last week of December, Alison generally posts a link roundup of her favorite posts and a link roundup of the most-commented-on posts, and that might be a good way to find some classics. Just hit the “archives” button and check the last few posts in December for each year to find them.

  102. Virginia Plain*

    Back again, with another question.

    I’m an only child in my 3os, my dad died last year and my mom has… well… a lot of issues. I don’t really have any supportive/available family OR close friends. I got pretty anxious last night when I had to put an “emergency contact” down for my passport renewal. I just don’t have anyone to put for these things ever since my dad died and that really frightens me. I sent an email to one of my uncles to ask him (we never visit/see each other, but he was my dad’s executor) if he wouldn’t mind being my emergency contact, because I certainly can’t put my mother. If he says “no” or something, I don’t know what to do.

    Obviously this is a sign I need to go out and make stronger social connections, but yikes… what do I do now?

    Also, I got really worried about what would happen to me if I were in some sort of accident/couldn’t advocate for myself? Who the hell would do it for me? Again, my mother is in no way capable of doing such things (for a variety of reasons). Last night, I couldn’t stop worrying about what would happen to me if I were in some sort of accident. I even researched making a will, getting a POA, etc. but panicked when I realized there’s no one I could even PUT to be my power of attorney or executor. Good grief, should I just hope to die if I am in an accident then? Sorry, this probably sounds ridiculous. My anxiety is really ramped up right now and I have no clue what to do. What happens to people who have no capable family members?!

    1. KR*

      You need a living will. You can put down what you want to happen if you are in a coma or some sort of vegetative state, if you have certain types of health problems and how you want the hospital to deal with them if you can’t decide, ect. A will covers your belongings/pets/ect and for that you may have to hire a lawyer who would act as your executor if you don’t have family that can do it. Also make sure your will is very clear and there is enough life insurance to get pets into good homes if you have them, cover funeral costs, and cover any major debts you think might not die with you. That sounds really lonely, I’m sorry. I’m sure your uncle would be willing to be your emergency contact.

    2. StudentA*

      I think this is pretty common, as unpleasant a thought as it is. I’m sure many people with siblings ask themselves the same question. What I think ends up happening is they look for another friend or relative who’s in a similar situation and come to an agreement that they would be each other’s next of kin. Even if it’s a distant relative, as long as you are both comfortable with that situation. Is that an option for you? If you’re in a permanent home, can you choose a neighbor you’re comfortable with?

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I am an only child also. My parents and husband have been gone a while. This is the stuff that can keep us up late nights, I swear.

      So far I have figured out that I can leave my last wishes with my church. If you have a church see if they offer help like that. My plan is to just say to liquidate my assets and donate the money to charity.
      The tricky part is what if I LIVE and cannot speak/decide for myself?

      Maybe you have friends from a while ago that you fell out of contact with. I am talking about people who you know you can just pick up where you left off at and they would be fine with it. Maybe they would help or maybe they would be interested in having a reciprocal relationship with you, where you agree to follow their last wishes or health care needs.

      OTH, maybe you can find someone on their own like yourself who has similar concerns and you can just agree to have each other’s backs. I know the longer I go on my own here, the more and more aware I have become of just how many people are pretty much alone in the world. There is a tendency for people on their own to watch out and take an extra interest in people with a similar concern.

      One thing you can do starting today is to have a higher awareness of folks who take an interest in you or offer a helping hand here and there. These folks are easy to skate right by, so decide to go through your day being more aware. This does not solve your larger concern but it will help with the immediate scare of “omg, I have no one”. Because that is simply not true, there are good people every where who are willing to help.

      I will say this, oddly when my husband got so sick the people who helped the most were not family or close friends. It was just random people, some of them I knew their names and where they lived, but some of them I did not even know their names. In times of crisis people just materialize.

      1. Single mum*

        I feel like this also. I feel that the best thing I can do is try to widen my social circle. Sorry if this doesn’t help but I would like you to know you aren’t alone.

    4. Madge*

      I can feel your anxiety spiral from here. Sending you a hug if you want one. So much of this is out of your control, out of anyone’s control, and lots of people have trouble selecting a responsible emergency person. (Control is a big theme behind my anxiety too.) Lots of people just pretend it will never happen to them and don’t prepare at all, so good for you for being responsible. By and large, things work out. Medical personnel make good decisions on behalf of strangers. Yes, you hear stories, but you hear them because they’re rare. Asking your uncle is a good start. Your dad chose him so he is probably responsible and caring. Maybe this could be the start of a closer relationship. If he says yes, ask him if he’d serve as your emergency contact for other things too. He’ll probably be honored you trust him with this. You are still family even if you’re not close. And then you’d be done. Maybe he hasn’t done this with his own life and you could be there for each other. That’s what happens for me with school emergency contacts. All my family is hours away so I have to ask friends. And I think of them as people who probably have tons of people they can ask and I’m asking this great imposition. But each one turns around and asks me to be their emergency contact too.

    5. Temperance*

      I work a lot with elders who don’t have relationships with their family. They choose a friend.

      I have a mentally ill mother, too, and had to make decisions to keep her away from impacting me in a negative way. Very sad.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      Well…if you have money for a lawyer, draft your various documents and put the lawyer down as your emergency contact.
      OR…consider a neighbor and let them know what your preferences are. There are advantages to picking a neighbor, but you might consider your teacher/professor, religious official, boss/co-worker.
      Or ask your doctor or your bank what other people do in your situation.
      But I hope your uncle says yes and your anxiety eases soon.

  103. I really want a puppy*

    So. I have an ancient Bichon. She was a rescue. Vet thinks she is around fourteen. No teeth, mostly sight impaired. (she may see light and dark) She sleeps most of the time. Poops and pees on a pad by the front door. Doesn’t appreciate people but likes other dogs. (likes us but hides when there are visitors) Take walks but would prefer not. Is in no discomfort but of course will not live forever.

    This week at work people were talking about not work- vacations, hobbies, kids. I got nothing. I love my work, I love my home, I love my friends. Dogs, love dogs.

    So I am thinking- what would make me happy. a puppy. The husband does not want a puppy. He declared that I would be a single puppy mom.
    I can take the puppy to work. Private office, closing door.

    Your thoughts? Wait until dog number one goes? (Husband calls dog one “the last dog” but also has never wanted a dog and she is our third in thirty years)

    Get puppy when one is available because the timing is right for me?

    Let it go for now?

    1. Reba*

      I lol’d at “doesn’t appreciate people.”

      I think you need to get much closer to on the same page with your spouse before making any moves. Would he be open to another adult dog? Fostering?

      Puppies can be a LOT of work, and for your dog’s impairment level IDK if puppy energy levels would be fun for her vs. added stress.

      What is it about a puppy that you want so badly? Maybe doing some thinking or journaling about that will help you get clarity or see other ways you could get some of what you want.

      1. puppy, not*

        Well, fostering is how I ended up with the old lady dog. Who we do love but I know me. Any dog that is here for more than hour or so will have a forever home. Without the husband, I would be one of those people who has a 1/2 dozen pets who just needed a home.

    2. WellRed*

      If you are unhappy, getting a puppy, when your husband has plainly said no is a really bad idea. I am startled by the comment “because the time is right for me.” This all came about because you have no hobbies???? What’s really going on? That’s the place to start.

      1. I want a puppy*

        ¥es, no hobbies. Time is right for me because I work non-stop. and for once have no or little travel for the next 10 months. Thinking more. Yes puppies are a lot of work. I really enjoyed training and being with our first dog (who was perfect). Dog two and three were both re-home and came with dozens of issues.

    3. Well Red*

      What makes the timing right for you? You have an unwilling husband and an elderly dog to care for, who surely deserves a peaceful end to their life. What is it that makes you feel this is the time to take on a puppy? I’d do some thinking about why you are pinning your happiness on this as-yet nonexistent puppy, and what is lacking in your life that makes this seem like the only solution.

      A puppy might make you happy, but it cannot fix everything that is lacking in your life currently. Do you want to take a vacation? Find some new hobbies? Make some new friends? It sounds like enrichening your life would help a lot, and then you could determine whether a puppy is indeed the right thing to add to your life, rather than the fix to all your problems. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a little pup. Could you look into volunteering with a shelter to get some time in with other dogs?

      I don’t think you should get a puppy until you’ve done some careful thinking, and until you and your husband can get on the same page.

      2. I want a puppy*

        I’m actually allergic to cats and dogs therefore cannot volunteer in a shelter. Well Red. I hear what you are saying. Life is pretty happy right now and a puppy would blow that up. I think I am already thinking of future grief with my old lady dog. So letting it go.

        And yes, I am thinking of my unwilling husband. I would never make this decision on my own.

        I am a bad vacationer. My idea of a perfect day is reading, tea, more reading, food. more reading. Talk on the phone. More reading. Stupid television at around 9. Perfect day out of the house. Library or Bookstore, massage, tea, Korean food or sushi or ramen, grocery shopping, maybe swimming.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      Let it go for now. I would wait on a puppy until your elderly dog has passed. Something with that much energy is going to be really, really annoying to an older blind dog, which may cause your dog to become aggressive.

      1. I want a puppy, not anymore*

        yep, that is why I asked. I don’t want to make old dog miserable. Letting it go.

    5. Anon Anon Anon*

      I want to add something to all of this. You could get a puppy with a solid plan in place to accommodate the husband and old lady dog. A lot of training early on for the puppy and a way to keep the dogs separate. It could work with the right space and resources.

      1. puppy, not*

        Anon Anon Anon, I think you are right but given the other comments, the right time would be when the husband was on-board.

    6. KR*

      Your older dog might not like living with a puppy. My 12 yr old loves puppies but gets annoyed with them outside the dog park.
      Can you foster dogs or do dog sitting on Rover? That way there isn’t a commitment if your husband doesn’t like the dog or if there are conflicts in personality with your older dog.
      I think you also have to make sure your husband is on the same page even if the page is “OP will do all dog related work and have no expectation of help from husband”.

  104. Ron McDon*

    Hello,

    I’ve just booked our holiday for next year – we’re going to Port St. Lucie, on the east coast of Florida, staying in a gorgeous villa.

    I have been looking online for things to do during our trip (we usually holiday in Orlando and visit the theme parks), as my husband and 13 yo son are all a bit ‘what are we going to do for two weeks?!’. There isn’t a lot of information coming up on Google.

    Obviously we’ll go to the beach etc and are happy hanging around the pool at the villa, but does anyone have any recommendations of things to do in the Stuart/Port St Lucie area?

    Booked for August and we’re from the UK, so can’t do outdoors things during the middle of the day, as it’s just too hot.

    Any ideas much appreciated, thank you.

    1. Reba*

      If you are into nature it looks like there are several wildlife preserves and Lake Okeechobee not too far away! You could look into booking boat tours or whatever in the morning or evening hours. A cruise through a cypress swamp is something I remember well from a Florida vacation as a child.

    2. Someone Else*

      Will you be there in late February or March? If so you can go to Spring Training baseball games.

      1. Ron McDon*

        Haha, we do it every year! It’s not so bad if we go out early, go back to the villa for a swim in the pool by lunchtime, then go out again late afternoon/early evening.

        I’d love to hike/bike ride around he area , but there ‘s no way we can do that.

        Hopefully, when the kids are older and we no longer need to visit during the summer holiday season, we can do all that when the weather is cooler!

    4. StellaBella*

      Go to Google Maps.
      On the map of that area, I see the following things:
      beaches, wildlife areas, parks, and…. on maps.google I typed in hike (in the Nearby option) and it popped up with a dozen trails. Go to Riviera Beach south a ways to visitmanateelagoon dot com – find a way to see manatees; go to The Hobe Sound Nature Center….go to Busch Wildlife Sanctuary….go to a nearby Ramsar Site called Pelican Island National Wildlife Refuge…go to Savannas Preserve State Park – Hawk’s Bluff Trail….botanical gardens….barrier island beaches….Vitolo Family Preserve…. Paleo Hammock Preserve….boat tours….go bowling for the air con…. also check the local tides and moons when you are there for some night time walks. Enjoy!!

      1. Ron McDon*

        Thanks StellaBella – I hadn’t found a lot of the places you mentioned; didn’t think of using google maps instead of google!

        That’s a really useful list, thank you.

    5. Arjay*

      I’m not sure of your transportation availability, but if you’ll have a car and don’t mind an hour’s drive, I’d recommend https://www.lioncountrysafari.com/

      There’s a drive-through safari area which is very neat, and then a smaller walk-through portion that’s more like a trraditional zoo. If you go, go early. The lions will be sleeping through the heat of the afternoon, but more active in the morning.

  105. Single mum*

    Hi,
    I’ve got a question I was hoping some more experienced parents might be able to help me out with. I’m a single mum to a boy (under 6yo), and I don’t have a male friend /father I can ask – what typical things do boys learn about being a man from their fathers? I can find out how to teach him how to shave (google is my friend!), and about consent for example, but what else do I need to know how / what to do? What do you wish your dads had taught you?

    1. Laura H.*

      My dad presented on cars for my Girl Scout troop when I was younger. (Didn’t stick, because I don’t drive but) prelimenary troubleshooting skills with anything are good to have.

    2. StellaBella*

      My dad taught my brother and I to cook, and how to change oil and tires etc on cars, how to fish, how to read a map, how to rototill a garden, how to grow a garden, how to care for plants and animals, and how to build stuff. My mom taught me how to bake, balance a checkbook, do banking and planning, how to clean, how to iron, and how to work hard, too.

    3. Ron McDon*

      I think what my husband brought to our sons was a more laidback and ‘let them do it’ attitude, as opposed to my ‘they might get hurt’ viewpoint.

      Obviously not talking about anything reckless, but being the one to say ‘give it a go, you can do it!’, when my inclination would be to say ‘get down from there, you’ll get hurt’ is invaluable for their confidence.

      My Dad taught my sister and I how to wire a plug and change a wheel on a car, because he thought they were important skills for us to have.

  106. Mimmy*

    Seeking help for hair, skin & nails!

    I’ve noticed in the last couple of years that my hair tends to come out very easily, usually when brushing my hair or showering. I mentioned this to my hair dresser the other day, and she suggested some sort of vitamin called “hair, skin and nails”. I think it’s a good suggestion because my skin is getting dry and my nails are becoming a bit brittle. Has any ever tried something like this? I think she said it contains something called biotin?

    1. Makeup Addict*

      I got one of those supplement packs in a beauty subscription box earlier this year and tried it out. I found that it made my skin oilier and caused me to break out, so I stopped using them after a short while. I didn’t have particularly dry skin so it might work better for someone who does. I would suggest checking your diet and seeing if you can make any small tweaks that would increase your vitamin and mineral uptake first, as those beauty supplements can be really expensive for what they are. You can probably get a decent alternative without the beauty branding that will do the same thing for less cost, too.

    2. WellRed*

      It’s biotin and you can buy it in the vitamin section. Just make sure it doesn’t interfere with any meds you may take and know that it affects certain bloodwork.

      1. WellRed*

        On a more practical note, reconsider whatever skin care products you use. It’s easy to love a product and then forget that it might not be appropriate for a 25 yo vs a 35 yo. I also like to rub cuticle oil into nails and cuticles at night.

    3. TheTallestOneEver*

      I’ve taken plain biotin pills in the past but stopped mainly because they increase all of your hair growth, including legs, brows, etc.

    4. LilySparrow*

      If you are also feeling cold a lot, frequently tired, have brain fog or concentration problems, gaining weight, have a puffy face or sore throat, or losing the outside edges of your eyebrows, ask your doctor to check your thyroid. One in four women get thyroid issues, and dry skin, hair loss, and brittle nails are commonly the first symptoms that get noticed.

    5. Close Bracket*

      If you have access to medical care, you should get a work up from your doctor to rule out medical problems. Malnutrition can cause your hair to fall out, but so can other things.

      1. TootsNYC*

        I agree!

        Changes in hair, skin, and nails can have lots of medical causes.

        (Just one: celiac sprue can cause malnutrition, even when it doesn’t cause gastrointestinal upset)

        Talk to the doc, rule out medical causes.

    7. Ron McDon*

      My hair began falling out when my B12 Levels were low, so definitely worth getting your bloods looked at if you can.

  107. Maneating Manager*

    If you had the ability to unhinge your jaw and swallow people whole (with no noticeable change to your own physiology so you don’t look like you just ate a person!), how often would you do it around the office?

    3. Anonymous Celebrity*

      What you’re asking me is how many people at work would I kill if I could get away with it.

      None. So far at least, over the decades I’ve spent in various work environments, there have been some people who’ve been a PITA but nobody I’d eliminate permanently.

      I am, however, looking forward to retirement. That will be a time when 100% of my interactions with people (aside from the two minute nice-to-see-you-again-well-gotta-run-have-a-great-day interactions) will be voluntary.

      Now THAT is something I’ll enjoy mightily. Don’t like somebody? Give ’em the two-minute polite brushoff. Don’t like a service provider (dentist, doctor, home improvement service)? Replace them. Getting shitty service at a shop? Walk out. Yeah, I’m really looking forward to that. All prolonged personal interactions will be based on mutual enjoyment. Oh happy days!

  108. Caregiver fatigue*

    How does one move on after pretty bad caregiver fatigue?

    Two and a half years ago I had to give unexpected end-of-life care to my Dad as brain cancer wiped him out over three months. This meant uprooting my stuff, flying back home as soon as school was over, watching him lose everything, watching my friends have a good time on social media over the summer, clearing out the house, selling stuff, having to deal with after-death paperwork (think account transfers and the like). My Uncle was there and helped me with this, but I basically didn’t get one ounce of rest during or after his death. A hospice sent over someone for “mental health help,” but they really didn’t do the extensive help that I needed.

    So then I uprooted again and ended up away from my friends (because that was in an expensive West Coast city) and with my Uncle’s family. Which is nice, they’re good people, but now I had to get used to living in the Northeast, get used to all the cultural norms, etc. So I still didn’t get a break.

    This is on top of a shit-ton of preexisting depression I had already.

    I’m 28 years old. I was 26 when this happened. I’m jealous of most of my friends, namely the ones who didn’t keep in touch with me. I genuinely don’t want anyone else in my life, because I’m too afraid I’m going to lose them. I don’t even want to think about dating people. I’ve just gotten used to the idea that life is a vale of tears, and that my hobbies are really the few things that make it enjoyable. I’m planning, when I get old enough for midlife crises and age-related diseases to rear their heads, to take a trip to the Netherlands and be administered an assisted suicide.

    1. fposte*

      I’m so sorry–that’s incredibly hard. Are you currently getting help and treatment for the depression? Can you expand that to see if they can help or know somebody who can with the post-caregiver stuff? I think trained help is incredibly valuable in a situation like that; PTSD and prolonged grief, for instance, are really common in end of life caregivers, and I think it’s possible you could feel better than you do.

      1. Caregiver fatigue*

        Thanks. I’m currently seeing a psychiatrist, who occasionally offers cognitive therapy stuff, but now that you mention it, I might not be getting as much cognitive therapy as I ought to. I’ll ask him if he knows anybody in the area. I’ve wondered now and then about PTSD, since opening mail and dealing with forms has become really anxiety-inducing after all the “omigod EMERGENCY EMERGENCY MUST DO FORM NOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” that went on post-death. I most definitely was not like this before.

    2. Jane*

      It sounds like you are experiencing more than just caregiver fatigue.

      A few years ago, I was in a really bad place mentally. I didn’t want to bring anyone new into my life, I severely restricted the few social connections I did have. Most days I couldn’t think of any reason why I should keep on living except to avoid the mess that killing myself would leave, even though I thought about it pretty much every hour. I couldn’t imagine anything good ever happening again. Does any of that ring true with you?

      But I pressed on and things did get better. For me, I discovered that this seemed to be related to not being challenged intellectually, and that in order not to have a brain meltdown, I had to have some kind of problem or puzzle that mattered to me to work on. I’m not saying that that is the case for you, I’m just saying that this all felt so all-consuming to me, when really a small change in my life drastically changed how I feel. Maybe for you this is time to heal from grief, or something else. You’ll only know when you find it.

      I’m not saying that I am now on cloud nine and I feel all puppies, kittens, and rainbows very day, but the despair I felt has definitely lifted quite a bit. As a result, it has naturally happened that I’ve wanted to reach out and make a couple of new friends.

      Don’t push yourself too hard, but also don’t get too stuck in the “I never want to be happy” state of mind. It might take a while but it will get better. Hang in there.

      1. Caregiver fatigue*

        Thanks. That definitely rings true. I’m just afraid that if I give myself time to grieve, that I’ll get pulled back into a black hole, which is what happened to me up through this past March. Do you know of anywhere I could look for suggestions on healthy grieving processes?

        1. chi chan*

          Its late but check out captain awkward archives. Grief is a major topic. Also Dear Sugar letters on the rumpus. You are not alone.

    3. The Original Stellaaaaa*

      I’m the millionth person to say this, but please try not to take social media postings as wholly complete and honest truth. Your old friends may have fun lives, but certainly not as fun as you’re imagining.

      Certain life phases give way to other ones. I used to feel that I had missed out on certain “standard” life modes, but I don’t feel like anyone really has them. There’s always time to create a phase of youthful partying for yourself, or to get into academia, or to be the person who curls up with a book on Sundays. Please cut yourself some slack and don’t get caught up in the feeling that you’re not living the mandated life of a 28-year-old.

      1. Caregiver fatigue*

        Thanks. It hurts like hell because I’ve had to internally detach from a few people I’d have taken a bullet for before all of this, so that I won’t have to pay attention to their good (public) profiles.

    4. LilySparrow*

      My mom went through Hospice and died the same year my youngest daughter was born. Meanwhile, my husband got laid off and we did an emergency relocation so I could be caregiver for my parents. I’d say it took a good three years after she died to feel like I was on an upward trajectory, emotionally. (We sold a house at the bottom of the financial crisis, so we may never recover financially, but there’s nothing to be done about that.)

      Then last summer I got the emergency-room call to go take care of my aunt, and wound up sitting with her through Hospice and being the executor of her estate (so I KNOW what you mean about the flinching from mail/forms!) It’s been just about a year since I finished the most intense part of closing the estate. I feel like I’m starting to get a handle on my life and looking forward to the future again, instead of just hanging on for the ride.

      I think your questioning about how to move on is a really good sign. The first stage of coming back to life is when you can lift your head up, look around, and take stock of the damage.

      Keep on taking care of yourself physically and emotionally. The next stage (at least for me) is feeling restless and dissatisfied with the stopgap and crisis-mode compromises you had to make, and wanting make some changes.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Ugh. Boy a chapter out of my life, wow.

      So yeah, the friends fell by the wayside. In my case, I think it was because they did not know what I was talking about. “Oh man I am beat, I ran to one hospital spoon feed one parent, then barely got to the next hospital on time for the next meal and spoon fed the other parent.”
      They looked at me like I was from Mars.
      “No, I don’t wanna go to a bar, I have had 4 hours sleep over the last three days. I want to go to bed.” You can see why I wasn’t really popular.

      The sad truth is my life took me in a very different direction than their lives did. They just could not relate to what I was seeing and doing.

      Your self care is lagging. I can see it in your writing. What are you willing to do to start to help yourself this week? Therapy? A nutritionist? Get interested in eating differently? Hydration? Closing your FB account so you will stop looking at it? Pick something, does not matter what and start this week. You are wise to recognize that you had concerns before this started and your dad’s final illness did nothing to make it better at all.

      I do agree with you that most people are walking around crying on the inside. What is that expression? Everyone has some burden they are carrying. And I will admit that assisted suicide in terminal instances appeals to me more than medical treatment in the US. (I could write a book but I won’t.) The problem is that it can be easier to plan out our deaths than it is to plan out our lives because after certain experiences such as watching your dad, we can really wonder what the point is.

      Hang on to the idea that the sum total of a person’s life is NOT their final illness. It’s part of their story but not all of their story. Think about procuring a quality of life for yourself, you deserve to have a quality life. It may not be the same as your friends but maybe it does not need to be. Maybe you have outgrown your friends in ways that are surprising.

      So instead of making lists of what you don’t want to do, start thinking about what pro-active activity you would like to actually do. It can be anything. Keep it simple and reachable so that you actually do this thing.

      1. anon right now*

        “Hang on to the idea that the sum total of a person’s life is NOT their final illness.”
        I really needed to read that, thanks.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          OMG. One year my husband had two people in his life die while sitting on the toilet. These two deaths hit us so hard because toilet?, really? It forced us to think about how our passing is just a tiny part of our lives. There is oh so much more.
          One of the people was a very prim and proper lady. She would have died all over again just from embarrassment if CPR had been successful. The other person was a very popular person. The kind of person who has thousands of “friends” on his FB account. So much for privacy as his last moments were widely known by these thousands of friends.
          My husband and I ended up in a big discussion about the final illness being the most easy thing to remember because it’s the most recent thing and it was so sad. Then we talked about how important it is to remember all the other things about the person also. It takes a bit of effort but we can make ourselves recall the nice stories also.

  109. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Music question. After decades, I finally have a piano again and I’m trying to practice again. I’m no more than an advanced beginner. I want to find something about the complexity of Clementi’s sonatinas that ISN’T Clementi. Teacher issues made my first recital so horrible it was also my last.
    What do you suggest? I love everything from delicate baroque to bombastic Victorian chords, so the only need is for it to be new to my hands. I also plan to get a new copy without the toxic teacher’s handwriting but… something totally new we ould be nicer.

    1. Jane*

      One of my favorites that is about that level is Mendelssohn’s venetian gondola song Op 30 no 6. I think I learned that around the same time I played Clementi’s sonatinas. Way more fun though.

    2. Reba*

      How about preludes? Chopin, Beethoven…. As an adult hobby pianist, I get most satisfaction out of short pieces as opposed to the multi-movement things I used to attack as an energetic young person.

      I hope you enjoy your instrument!

    3. TootsNYC*

      I don’t know Clementi, sorry.

      But as an advanced beginner, I loved playing Chopin. it felt light the notes were fighting with each other, then resolving, then trying to outdo one another….

      No other composer has ever made me feel as though there was drama in the notes and the pacing.

      And there were shorter pieces, so I could work one up.

  110. Frequent traveler*

    Does anyone here have any experience with TSA pre-check? I’ve recently started traveling a lot, especially for work, and am trying to decide if it is worth getting. I know it’s $85 for 5 years and that you have to fill out an application then go in for an in person interview, which there’s an office ten minutes from my house. Recently, I’ve been flying at least once a month, sometimes more. As someone who hates to fly, if I have a longer layover, I like to be able to leave the airport, at least stand outside for a few minutes for some fresh air (and a smoke), so if paying for the pre-check will allow me to do this more easily, I’d seriously consider it.

    1. BRR*

      I love pre-check. I paid the $15 more for global entry which includes pre-check in case I’m ever traveling internationally. I love not having to take my liquids out or my shoes off and the line is so much quicker. Maybe even see if your work will pay for all or part of it? A lot of credit cards also offer deals on it but for me ~$20 a year is well worth it the 6 or so trips I take a year.

      1. Frequent Traveler*

        Not having to dig through my bag for my liquid bag (as I always put my makeup in my carry on regardless of if I check a bag – that stuff is expensive!) and leaving shoes on (often travel right from the office = shoes without socks) is one of the main reasons I’m considering it.

        I asked my boss if it was something she thought I could expense. Unfortunately she said probably not as most of our travel is “optional.” As in you can say no but… it’s worth the face time, good will and reputation gains to say yes.

    2. CAA*

      I got Global Entry, which includes pre-check, because it was a perk on my credit card. You just have to charge the fee on that card and they immediately give you a credit for the same amount, so you never even have to pay for it. If you can find a credit card that offers it and has an annual fee of less than $100, it’s probably worth getting the card for a few months or a year. There should be lists somewhere online.

      I love pre-check. It makes getting through security about the same as it was before 2001. Sometimes the pre-check line is longer than the regular line at airports like Reagan with a lot of military, because DoD gets it for free, but the pre-check line still usually moves faster. There are also some security lines that don’t have pre-check, like Terminal B in Philly. When you get in one of those, they give you a little card to hand to the screener so you don’t have to take off your shoes. You do still have to take out your liquids and laptop in those non-pre-check lines, so you have to pack for that eventuality anyway.

    3. cat socks*

      TSA pre-check is absolutely worth it. My home airport is pretty small so security lines are never that bad, but even still I get through very quickly and it’s great in larger airports. The in person interview is fairly quick. If I recall correctly, they scanned my passport, took fingerprints and asked some basic questions. I have the Chase Sapphire Reserve credit card and the application fee was covered by the $350 yearly travel credit.

    4. Jane*

      I have global entry (and I got it through my credit card for free), and I LOOOOOVEEEE it. If you travel internationally at all, definitely just get Global Entry, with comes with pre check.

      In my experience, pre check by itself isn’t THAT magical, because some airports and airlines don’t participate. And even when they do, the difference is mainly that you don’t have to take off your shoes (unless they make the metal detector go off) or take your laptop out of your bag. And these rules seem to vary by airport. So just having pre-check doesn’t mean you can just breeze in and out of security at any airport to go have a smoke. It is just a slight improvement in the experience. But put together with global entry (and the fact that it was free for me with my credit card), I’m very happy to have it.

      1. Frequent Traveler*

        “So just having pre-check doesn’t mean you can just breeze in and out of security at any airport to go have a smoke.”

        This is not at all my intention. But sometimes I’m flying out after work one night, getting in late, waking up early, working at another office all day, then heading straight to the airport to fly home that night. Which sometimes means 8+ hours and 4 flights in less than 36 hours. If I can get through security even a little faster and spend 30 minutes for my self in the middle of that, then it would so be worth it.

        If I traveled internationaly at all, I would definitely be looking into the global entry. Most of my travel however is domestic.

    5. fposte*

      I ended up in pre-check status for about a year without applying for it; apparently that’s not uncommon and the airline recommends names or something? It’s over now, but I might shell out for it again, because waiting in airport lines is one of the most stressful aspects of travel for me and it was really nice to do less of it. That being said, I’m hoping to do more international travel again soon so I might just go the whole hog on Global Entry.

    6. Lily Evans*

      If you want pre-check I’d say go for it! Global Entry is also worth looking into, but only if most of your trips are international. Contrary to what other commenters have said, TSA pre-check is not a guarantee with Global Entry. You’re more likely to get pre-check, but you might not get it every time, so if pre-check is more valuable to you than being expedited through customs, go with the straight-up pre-check option over Global Entry.

      1. CAA*

        TSA disagrees with you. Their description of Global Entry specifically says “With Global Entry you’ll receive expedited customs processing when entering the United States, plus you’ll receive TSA Pre✓® when flying from U.S. airports.”

        You do have to enter your Known Traveler Number (KTN) in your frequent flyer profiles or when you buy your tickets, but that’s true whether you’re flying on a DoD common access card, or a Pre-check membership, or a Global Entry membership. They’re all handled the same way now. It used to be that airlines could grant pre-check to their elite customers, but supposedly that’s no longer allowed.

  111. Mazzy*

    Jury duty question – has anyone ever gotten a jury duty notice to be on standby and not actually been needed? I had to start calling in on Friday and I called and they said people with my group of jury IDs is not needed but to call back on Monday night. What are others experiences with this?

    1. Undine*

      In my area, at least, they can have you call in all week. I think the chances go down each day (it seems like they do the most selection on Monday), but they keep you hanging in case they need more jurors after all.

    2. CAA*

      We used to have that method of jury service here. You just call in every night and listen to the message. Even if they don’t need you Monday, they definitely could say that your group has to come in on Tuesday. It just depends on how many trials they expect to have starting on each day. If they figure out that they won’t need you at all, then sometimes they will dismiss you altogether and say your service is concluded and you don’t have to call in again.

    3. Anon Anon Anon*

      Yes. That’s happened every day I’ve been on jury duty. It was great. I got some free WFH days. I just had to check in to make sure they still didn’t need me.

    5. Rick Tq*

      Some courts in California are One-And-Done for duty and other are 5 days on-call. I’ve had both kinds.

      Totally normal, but in our local court you call in at noon (for 1 PM call) and 5 PM (for 8 AM call the next morning) for the full 5 days.

    6. TootsNYC*

      I thought, Oh, my number is far away, they probably won’t need me, and I then forgot to call for three days, and then they were PAST my number.

      So the next time I got called, I got called for a month of grand jury service.

      Other times, when I’ve remembered to call every night, they’ve ended up not needing me, and at a certain point the recording said, “If your number is X or higher, your jury service has ended.”

  112. Aurora Leigh*

    This is late, but I just wanted to talk to someone about this as we’re not telling friends or family yet.

    My boyfriend got a routine blood check last month and it came back with slightly high liver enzymes. So they did another test a month later (this week) and the liver enzymes are still slightly high. So December 5th he goes back again for an abdominal scan, a liver xray, and a hepatitis C test.

    I’m scared . . . I don’t know what to research or what to hope for. He’s taking it pretty well, he asked that we not talk about it right now, because there’s nothing we cam do until we know what’s going on. But I am the type of person that wants to fix things.

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Don’t read about all the possible things it could be. You will drive yourself crazy. I know it’s scary not to know, but if they were concerned that it was something life threatening, they’d have gotten him in long before December 5th for those tests.

    2. yo*

      I have high liver enzymes and they did all those tests – in my case it’s a combination of my meds and my liver just disliking me. Don’t borrow trouble until you know something is wrong, if possible!

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        Thanks for that! I’m glad it turned out to be nothing big for you!

        We are most worried about the hep C . . . he was born prematurely in ’88 and he and his mom almost died and there were blood transfusions.

        1. Jane*

          Hep C is very treatable. Also, some people just have high liver enzymes (my friend does). It could be nothing at all.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Yes, my husband had hep C and they fixed him. He never had another liver problem again. He could not give blood though. I remember him saying the worst part was the boredom. He had to lay low for quite a while and the boredom was mind-bending. He was also glad to know there was a reason he felt so darn tired.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      Odd thought here – he’s not taking any weird supplements or large amounts of vitamins or lots of herbal tea, right?
      A friend made herself sick with too much of a water-soluble vitamin. She thought the excess would just flush out. She was wrong, but she healed once she quit taking it.
      Best Wishes for a happy result for you!

  113. Almost Phinished*

    Social media technology lesson needed…I chuckle to myself as I am writing this but need to figure it out. I have instagram that I log into once every few weeks, just a handful of friends and of course celeb account-following. Check it very rarely, esp in these final stages of grad school. But something weird happened that I can’t figure out. A friend and I followed each other on insta a year ago…I almost never post, she is very active on it. I logged in about a week ago and noticed she unfollowed me and it appears as though I unfollowed her, but I didn’t! She doesn’t seem to know how it could have happened either. Now her and I are not super-close friends, so even if it was intentionally done on her, don’t care, but techhie-wise, I want to know how could I have possibly unfollowed her without actually unfollowing. Any ideas?

    1. Minta*

      Could it have been a fat-finger deal? Quite easy to do, and maybe the second person reciprocated when they noticed (this is a stretch, especially because unfollowing is a 2-tap interaction IIRC).

      Could your friend have closed an old account a while ago and returned with a new one? And, because you don’t log in as often, you didn’t get included in a re-friending/following spree? <– That's the one I'd put a very small wager on.

      1. Almost Phinished*

        Thx! Didn’t consider either scenario, agree, the new acct theory def sounds plausible. Good to have two possibilities instead of just thinking “how?”

  114. Ops manager*

    This might be late but worth a shot.

    My husband wants us to go to an expensive destination wedding (his friends) that we were not expecting to be destination. I don’t want to go – we can technically affort w/o debt, but have the money earmarked for other things. We are hoping to have bought a house by then, and it just seems stupid to spend this way.

    I manager our money, which has worked well. My husband doesn’t really care, and likes it being done for him. I am also way more fiscally conservative. We talk and decide on priorities but he just doesn’t want to be that involved. We have never fought about money until now. How would you recommend talking through this and making the decision?

    1. Bibliovore*

      I say no. on the other hand- what would it cost for just him to go? If it delays your “life plans” its a no. If it is an unexpected expense like surgery or a career opportunity then you re-evaluate. A destination wedding means that the people getting married expect people not to come. Send a nice gift. Wish them well.

    2. BRR*

      It depends on things like how expensive it is relative to you and how close you are to the couple. Would it work for only him to go?

    3. Aurora Leigh*

      I also do a lot of the money management in my relationship.

      I’d spell out for him what the costs would be — like if you go to this wedding will it take you 3 months longer to save up a down payment? Will you need to cut out restraunt dinners for 6 months? Does he think it’s worth it when looked at that way?

      If this is your first fight about money, I’d be inclined to go, since it must be pretty important to him.

      1. TootsNYC*

        $1m at age 33 is not enough.

        And then there’s the idea that one might want to actually LIVE their life now.

      2. Well Red*

        That REALLY depends on what your idea of a good life looks like. Retiring at 33 is not something I have or could ever aspire to. Attending a friend’s wedding matters FAR more to me. I place more value on my relationships than on being wealthy, and I would choose to spend the money on the relationship and the experience any day.

        And someone who told me I “should aspire” to anything else would probably not enjoy my response!

      3. Observer*

        Why? Why is retiring young something people “should” aspire to? And why is living well (while not going into debt) not a value that people “should” aspire to?

    5. Parenthetically*

      I’d just lay it out: “Honey, it works for us for me to handle financial stuff, but part of your choice in being hands-off with budget priorities and daily money management means you have to be willing to leave the big decisions to me too, or at least give me veto power on items above $X. This doesn’t fit with the goals we’ve set (/I’ve set and you’ve gone along with), so in my opinion we’re going to have to decline with regrets.”

      I think you should listen to his reasons and be willing to be persuaded, but frankly, you don’t get to have 0% responsibility but even 50% decision making power over ANYTHING in a relationship.

    6. ..Kat..*

      Total up the expenses for going. Is he willing to cut back on other things (special to hime) to make up for this expense? Is he always the one spending big money on his desires? Is this even a close friend?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. Tell him that as long as you guys can cut costs and save up the extra money needed then you can go.

        I would definitely ask him why it is so important to go and then I would try my best to listen carefully. If he came up with an unexpected answer that was extraordinary then I might cave in.

    7. PX*

      I’m going to go a bit against the crowd here and say: some things are (hopefully!) once in a lifetime events – does it make sense not to share in a special occasion because you are prioritising your saving? Some people are happy to do it, but not everyone is?

      How close are these friends? Do you think he might resent you for saying no to something he actually really wanted to do? If you dont care about it – can he go alone? As others have suggested, if the compromise is to skip out on other things in the ‘fun’ budget to go to this, are you (and him) willing to do that?

      For me personally, referring to going to spending the money on a destination wedding as ‘stupid’ seems a bit harsh. Some people enjoy the chance to travel and perhaps turn it into a little holiday of their own as well (maybe thats how your husband sees it!). Some people want to make the effort to celebrate with their friends because thats important to them and are willing to sacrifice X months of saving to do that. Some people are more about experiences than things – maybe your husband would rather go for the wedding and spend no money on holiday presents. No need to look down on them just because its not your preferred option.

    8. Owler*

      It seems like most of the comments assume that you don’t want to go and are looking for ways to convince him to agree with you. It seems like you might do better to sit down together and talk to see what the other is thinking.

      Ask him to spell out why he wants to go. Explain why you are hesitant about going. Find a way to loosely estimate how much it would cost (in dollars and in vacation time off work) and see if you are both still interested. He may not be thinking about how spending money on a trip would affect your house budget. Or perhaps he does, but he also sees it as a way to make time for a destination trip with you.

  115. Anon Admin*

    So I know this is late, but maybe I can still get some suggestions.

    I’m trying to figure out what I want to do for a get-away-from-everything vacation next year. It’s something that started with me finally getting FT and taking a birthday trip last year, and then I planned this year’s trip for October to give me more time to save up (and to do some special things).

    Part of my problem is there’s very few vacation things I feel comfortable doing on my own as a single woman, and that are also something I can look at and feel more than “meh”.

    Last year for my birthday I went to Disneyland. This year I went to Disney World (I live in CA, so a WDW trip is much more of an investment). I thought about doing Disneyland again next year, but the prices have gone up so much that it’s no longer feasible for me to do it solo (plus I’ve got other upcoming expenses that cut into my vacation funds). And if DLR is out, then WDW is DEFINITELY out. As is a Disney cruise (which I did look into out of curiousity, and found one exactly where & when I’d want to go… but the cruise itself was double what I could afford, and that was before adding in flights/hotels if I need to stay a night before or after/excursions.)

    Another thought I’ve had was taking a trip to hit a trifecta of highly-rated Cedar Fair parks (Cedar Point, King’s Island, & Canada’s Wonderland), but the logistics of trying to figure it out make my head hurt even before I start thinking anything else.

    As far as staycations go… I’m already doing that. I have way more PTO than I can afford to go on vacations with that I do need to use if I don’t want to hit my rollover cap. So there’ll be at least two at-home staycations, but those don’t really get me out and about the way I want on a vacation.

    Other factors–for long trips with lots of walking (the way the past two Disney trips have been), I do need to rent a scooter. I have bad knees (not yet found a doctor willing to help), and while they’re fine for everyday walking, or even a day at a local park where I can time things so that I’m only in short lines, I’m fine. But I definitely needed the rental scooters on the last two trips. I did partial days on each without and both taught me that I really couldn’t have done the full trips without.

    And I also can’t really fall back on the vacations I did growing up (which are probably still affordable), because a lot of the enjoyment of those was the company of specific family members that are no longer with us. They’re also activities that none of my friends enjoy, even if they were available to take a trip with me (which they’re not, I’ve hinted as strongly as I dare about wanting to do a friends vacation, and they’re booked up).

    TL;DR–suggestions for not-too-expensive vacations were you can escape reality for a bit?

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      Camping is my favorite low cost vacation. The rental cabins at state parks can be really nice, too. I like hiking, canoeing or tubing, and just fimding a tree to read under.

      When I was single, I used to take my inflatable kayak to a nearby lake and spend the day.

    2. Minta*

      (Pardon the dupe. My computer crashed and dropped me off in the Post a Fresh Thread form field when I got it back up and running.)

      Are there any tours that interest you? Like ones run by AAA or some other travel entity? Fellow travelers built in, but you can go off on your own if you want. I imagine they have at least some experience working with people who need some mobility assistance. You could start with a smaller/shorter one (to see if you like them) and then decide to do either another small tour or choose a longer, farther one. Also, you don’t have to deal as much with the logistics.

      One thing you could consider with the Cedar Fair idea is to eliminate the Canada stop. That would get you a CF fix (a need I *totally* understand, having grown up near Cedar Point) without passport/border crossing logistics. The trip would still require a bit of planning, as neither park is super close to an airport and you want to do 2 cities. Cincinnati’s is closer to KI than CLE is to CP. So maybe you fly into Cincinnati and do Kings Island. Little road trip (3.5 hours) to Cedar Point. Maybe do some other things on Lake Erie in addition. Make your way to CLE and fly back to CA from there.
      Don’t know if that fits into your budget. Do you know if the parks are good about scooter rentals? Go either early or late in the season for shorter lines, which’ll help if you can’t stand comfortably for a long time.

    3. Jane*

      I’d save up for something you really WANT to do, rather than trying to find a do-able vacation. You don’t sound particularly thrilled about your options now, so spending money on something because you feel like you SHOULD have a vacation…well I would rethink it. IMO, it is better to do something amazing every two years than take a meh vacation every year.

      What would you really like to do, if you could afford it?

    4. atexit8*

      I am not an amusement park sort of person.

      I can’t imagine they would be fine by yourself male or female.

      Perhaps 2-weeks escorted tour of western Europe.

    5. Sam Foster*

      How about a scooter-able walking city like Portland, Seattle, DC, etc. Most of the stuff one would want to see is fairly close together, sidewalks are well maintained, etc.

    6. KR*

      You’re in CA.. can you explore cities? I was just in San Diego in the Gaslamp quarter and it was so fun. Also, some things I’ve done around here… USS Midway could be a nice day trip. Exploring Big Bear and maybe staying in a cabin/rental/hotel for a few days. Bridgeport is a bit farther north and even more remote with pretty snow, but I am not sure if it’s on fire right now. The Aerial tram in Palm springs is Great. With your knee you probably wouldn’t be able to do the trails once you’re up the tram, but it’s cold up there already and not great hiking weather. I’ve seen people with limited mobility do the actual tram ride and see the view points from the mountain station but must say I’m not sure first hand how accessible it is. Staying at the beach for a few days now that the summer crowd is gone. Going over to AZ or Nevada or Oregon, wherever is closer, just to explore a different environment. Some ideas and things I do for vacations and to get away. Good luck.

    8. CM*

      Would you consider some sort of weeklong class or retreat, rather than focusing on the place where you’re going? Meditation, cooking, learning some kind of art, going to a conference that you’re interested in, that sort of thing? Logistics should be easy since it’s a predefined activity organized by somebody else, and it would be different than your normal routine.

  116. Minta*

    Are there any tours that interest you? Like ones run by AAA or some other travel entity? Fellow travelers built in, but you can go off on your own if you want. I imagine they have at least some experience working with people who need some mobility assistance. You could start with a smaller/shorter one (to see if you like them) and then decide to do either another small tour or choose a longer, farther one. Also, you don’t have to deal as much with the logistics.

    One thing you could consider with the Cedar Fair idea is to eliminate the Canada stop. That would get you a CF fix (a need I *totally* understand, having grown up near Cedar Point) without passport/border crossing logistics. The trip would still require a bit of planning, as neither park is super close to an airport and you want to do 2 cities. Cincinnati’s is closer to KI than CLE is to CP. So maybe you fly into Cincinnati and do Kings Island. Little road trip (3.5 hours) to Cedar Point. Maybe do some other things on Lake Erie in addition. Make your way to CLE and fly back to CA from there.
    Don’t know if that fits into your budget. Do you know if the parks are good about scooter rentals? Go either early or late in the season for shorter lines, which’ll help if you can’t stand comfortably for a long time.

  117. anon24*

    I don’t know if anyone is still on here but ugh I hate this time of year with the cold and getting dark so early. I’ve been managing my depression better than usual but I’m so tired! I slept until after 9 this morning and it’s only 530 in the evening and I’m ready to crawl in bed for the night. Ugh! /end rant

    1. atexit8*

      Don’t fight it too much.
      Give yourself permission to sleep late.

      Go to bed at 10 pm at the latest.

    2. Weekend Warrior*

      Sending sympathy! Can you just go with the sleepiness for today at least and recast it as cocooning or some such? As in “yay, I got to sleep in this morning and now I’m going to snuggle into bed early with a good book, hot cocoa, _fill in the blank_. Luxury!”

      Seriously, I know this won’t work all the time and it’s not great to feel so draggy. Maybe also do a couple of simple chores, like clean the kitchen/do dishes/ set out clothes for tomorrow/etc so you feel a bit ahead of the game tomorrow morning.

    3. anon24*

      Definitely not fighting it. My apartment is cleaned and I’m currently snuggled up on my futon with my tablet and a pile of blankets. Cat is sleeping at my feet :). I think part of my problem is my job – depending on the day I can start anywhere from 7 am – noon and work til 3-10 at night. My body hasn’t been on a regular schedule since I started this job and the time change is killing me!

      1. Grace Less*

        Have you considered a “happy lamp” to simulate sunlight during your waking hours? Readily available from Amazon, Costco, and other retailers without a prescription.

  118. PhyllisB*

    I know the weekend’s past, but we were having internet issues so didn’t get to read/contribute. A “little bird” told me that two of my children are thinking about gifting me with an Instant Pot for Christmas. While I’ve never really longed for one, I am not totally opposed to the idea, either. What I would like to know is, do any of you have one? Do you like it? Advantages/disadvantages? I would hate for them to spend the money for something I won’t really use.

    1. Penguin*

      I can only offer secondhand commentary, but several friends and acquaintances have gotten one, and all the stuff I’ve heard is positive. Apparently they have the benefits of a slow cooker but are more versatile too? Sorry that’s not at all detailed, but consider this a tentative thumbs-up. However! I’ve seen a few folks post similar questions here in the last couple months, so an archive search might get you the pros/cons you’re looking for. Good luck!

    2. Enough*

      I do not have one but a lot of the people on this site do. They all seem to rave. Do a search of this site and you’ll find information about recipes.

    3. Cruciatus*

      I do have one! I have enjoyed everything I’ve made in it from hard boiled eggs (guess more hard-pressure cooked eggs), to corned beef to ribs to soups. It is fast but it’s not always as fast as you think. For instance, it’ll say “cook X for 4 minutes on high pressure” but they don’t add in that it takes 10-15 minutes for the Instant Pot to reach full pressure, THEN start cooking for 4 minutes, and THEN if you do a natural release (don’t open the steam vent) then that can add another 10+ minutes (some recipes you do open the vent right away. Usually takes 2 minutes to release the steam before you can open the lid safely). However, as I said, everything has been tasty that I’ve made. You can do a lot of 1 pot meals because you can use the saute feature and then use the pressure cooker feature (or vice versa). Every meat has come out juicy. You can throw in frozen stuff and the Instant Pot doesn’t care! It’ll cook it all. (Just this weekend I threw in frozen chicken carcasses to make chicken stock–came out just fine!) You can pretty much cook anything you already enjoy. Someone out there has created a recipe for it for the Instant Pot (and there are tons of cookbooks and sites online just for the Instant Pot–even a Facebook community). My boss swears by his for cooking pasta and it’s the only way he’ll cook it now. It can also be a slow cooker (well, obviously this may depend on the one they buy you). But the one I have can do a bunch of different things. The main disadvantage is it does take up a lot of space wherever you keep it. And you may need to buy extra sealing rings as time goes on. But so far I’m pretty happy with mine.

  119. Anon The Mouse*

    I am trying to get past a crush on a friend that we nearly/sort of acted on, but I’m married. My friend and I talked about our feelings for each other, ultimately decided our significant others were worth more to each of us than really going all in on an affair. I’m in love with my husband, but I’m trying to figure out how to get past these feelings I am trying to get over for my friend. Any help?

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