weekend free-for-all – January 5-6, 2019

by Alison Green on January 5, 2019

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Wizard of Lies: Bernie Madoff and the Death of Trust, by Diana B. Henriques, the New York Times business correspondent who covered the scandal as it unfolded. Utter engrossing and reads like a novel.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Accidental criminal*

    Ok I’m sure this is silly but the wide world of the internet is overwhelming me on this.

    Basically, I got a traffic ticket over Christmas holidays and have no idea what I’m doing. The ticket says it was in a construction zone *with workers present* but I don’t think that was true. That’s going to make the ticket really expensive! But I also don’t know how contesting works, or if maybe workers present means something broader than I thought.

    Anyone familiar with this process? I’m in Texas if that’s relevant.

    1. Temperance*

      Typically the back of the ticket will tell you how to contest it, or at least that’s how it works in my state. If not, you can Google the location and time ticket and the appeal process will be on there.

      Did it come through the mail or were you given the ticket in person?

      In your situation, I might consider a traffic lawyer.

      1. Laurelma*

        In FL, a few years back construction zone with workers present was an additional $250.00. Does your ticket have a court date on it? Most of the counties had websites that you could go on line and pay by entering your ticket number, it would pull up the data. They would also have a pay date and a court date, etc on the ticket or the website. You can go to court and contest the workers present. Too bad you didn’t think to take a photo of the site when you got the ticket.

    2. Anononon*

      I would call an attorney and find out your options. With traffic tickets, they sometimes offer you “deals” that seem better, but actually aren’t. The cost of an attorney may be worth saving your record.

    3. Wulfgar*

      The ticket is going to be expensive, but it could also lead to points on your license and higher insurance rates.

      In PA., our traffic tickets have a place at the bottom where you agree with or dispute the ticket. If you dispute it, they will send you a court date by mail. If the cop doesn’t show up, the ticket is usually reduced or may even be dropped; it depends on the judge.

      I had three speeding tickets within six months back in the day. I became pretty familiar with the traffic court system. Everybody, including the ticketing officer, were friendly and helpful. It’s scary, but you’ll get through this.

      1. SignalLost*

        I, uh, had enough speeding tickets to lose my license once (5, in my state). You can probably also call whoever is listed as the contact to find out how to contest it – the last time I got a ticket I paid it because I had so many other problems and the woman who took the payment told me I should have contested it, which was accurate. However, you may have a time limit to contest in, so that’ll also be on the ticket.

        1. Not a cat*

          I’ve only ever had one ticket. But it was a doozy $-wise, When I went to pay it, the person at the court counter asked me, “Are you sure you don’t want to contest this?” I’d didn’t contest, but I regret it.

    4. Mrs. Fenris*

      I’ve had a few tickets. I’m in GA. They give you a court date, and if you want to dispute it you go on your date. Be prepared for it to be boring and time consuming. If the cop doesn’t show up, you may not have to pay it, and apparently that happens regularly. If you do have to pay, it will probably cost less if you go to court. Traffic court really, really doesn’t want to deal with all of those people, and they will give you a small deal just so they don’t have to give every one of them a hearing. If your violation was a common one, the judge may start the court session with a short speech that says “if you’re contesting it based on X or Y, forget it,” and a couple dozen people will roll their eyes and get in line to just pay the damn fine. Everyone involved will act more like you’re wasting their time than that they think you’re a criminal.

      Hiring an attorney for traffic court is unheard of in my state, but apparently it’s quite a thing in some states. In some states you start getting solicitations for attorneys as soon as you get the ticket.

      1. Green Kangaroo*

        I went to court when I got a speeding ticket, and the judge offered everyone the option of paying the fine but having the points waived. There was an option to go to court to fight it, but with the cost of an attorney, court fines, etc. it was much cheaper to pay the fine. No points meant that my insurance rates didn’t change.

        1. Look Out Below*

          That’s what happened with mine. I was a college student when I got my first ticket and went to court. I was super nervous but the judge only asked if this was my first ticket. When I said yes, he said I would be spared the points on my liscense as long as I paid the fine. The only bummer thing was that my court appearance was after the school year had ended so I had to drive two hours back to my college just to show up in court.

          1. Flash Bristow*

            Oh yeah, that happened to my ex… Drove down 3 hours from uni, for the holidays. Got pulled over ( “so sorry officer, was I driving a weeny bit fast?”) Fortunately the officer was into his cars so they chatted about performance(!) and all my ex got was the seven day wonder – i.e. present your licence at their police station within a week.

            BUT his licence was at uni… And he wanted to get this all done and dusted so it was dealt with and forgotten. (And possibly done while he was ostensibly visiting me, so his strict parents never found out?)

            So we made an impromptu road trip out of it, since otherwise I’d miss out on seeing my partner who I’d been waiting weeks for… In the car, 3 hours there, grab licence (on the side in the kitchen, as he’d described… Sitting there blatantly, like it was gloating at us…), back in the car, 3 hours home. Back for dinner, just about, but pretty knackered.

            We got thru a lot of eye-spy that day.

            1. Doc in a Box*

              Oh boy, he’s lucky. In my state, driving without your license on you gets your car impounded until you produce your license, plus fine and points.

        2. Elizabeth West*

          I don’t remember if that was a thing in mine; it was just an assembly line of “Guilty or not guilty” and you basically stood in line and went in front of the judge and said your plea. Nobody in front of me pleaded not guilty, so I didn’t get to see what happened if they did.

          I just pled guilty and paid the fine. It was a moving violation (failure to yield, which caused a minor accident) and is now far enough in the past that it’s not a thing. I got a point or two but I think it went away after I had a certain amount of time with no violations.

          The point of that ramble is basically this: it happens to the best of us.

      2. Anonno*

        I kept hearing stories about people getting their tickets waived so I went to court. They weren’t letting anyone off unless they had an attorney. They had you meet with the city attorney, who answered questions and argued in the court’s favor. But they did offer a lot of people a deferred adjudication (ie probation) – you pay the fine and if you don’t get another ticket within 90 days, they remove it from your record. I think some towns are stricter than others. It may depend on how much they count on tickets as a source of revenue. Don’t get pulled over on a major highway in a rural area! The speed trap might be a big source of income for them and they might be pretty invested in making people pay.

        1. Anonno*

          Oh, I’m also in Texas and tickets look different depending on the town or agency that issued it. But at minimum there should be a phone number to call if you have questions. If not, you can contact the city hall or main office for whomever wrote the ticket.

    5. MissDisplaced*

      There’s usually information on the back about how to contest the ticket. Also, to make your case, go and take photos of the site: signs, etc.
      Often, when it goes to traffic court no one shows up. If you can present your case logically, it may be dismissed or reduced. Good luck!

    6. Not So NewReader*

      In NYS fines double in a construction zone. How much were you over the limit by?

      I just googled “speeding tickets TX work zone” and this was the first thing that came up. It sounds just like what you were saying here.
      https://www.justanswer.com/traffic-law/884s0-speeding-ticket-work-zone-texas-speed-limit.html

      The advice makes sense to me (my husband was into fighting tickets and he got good at it, sigh).

      In NY, you can request a supporting deposition. This is a document that explains the details of your ticket. Some mistakes on a supporting dep can cause a ticket to get thrown out. My husband got a ticket of mine tossed out because the officer id’ed me as male. Failing to identify the offender correctly is a huge error. Might be unique to NY but the officer has 30 days to provide that supporting dep, if no document arrives you can ask for the case to be dismissed.

      Have a copy of your driving record with you when you go to court. You can probably get this online through your DMV. If you have a good driving record, that is something you want to be sure the prosecutor/judge knows.

      Good luck. I do agree with this attorney when she said by the sheer fact you showed up for court, you will probably get some reduction in charges. You might pay a similar amount in fines but you won’t have points (if TX uses a point system).

      One thing I learned from my husband, when you get to court be nice to everyone. This will go a long way to helping your case. I remember sitting in court waiting for my husband’s turn and some folks were Not Nice. I honestly think they got charged more fines based on their sense of entitlement or being above the law. It’s far better to state why you can’t pay a big fine- such as tuition debt, kids, laid off, health issues, etc. Instead, show regret, show understanding that you won’t do it again. Courts are getting more and more aware that people just can’t pay and it’s not a crime to be poor or to have bills/commitments. If the prosecutor/judge believe that you will change what you are doing, the fine MIGHT be lowered. Once the fine is set, ask for a payment plan if that will help you.

      Go early, sign in and then watch how it goes for other people. You might get a sense of what works and what doesn’t work with a particular judge. Plan on spending a large chunk of time at court. From what I saw at least 90% of the people there did not bother getting an attorney. They opted instead just to talk with the prosecutor and judge.

      1. Natalie*

        One thing I learned from my husband, when you get to court be nice to everyone

        So true. The only time I contested a ticket, the person in front of me was arguing so intensely with the judge she called security. (In my county you just talk to the judge in their office, so there’s no bailiff or whatever.) After that guy she seemed relieved that I was reasonably polite and concise and the whole thing took five minutes.

        1. nonegiven*

          My husband was in a small claims case and the judge threatened to charge the other guy with contempt for backtalk.

      3. Flash Bristow*

        UK here, but might be relevant: my ex caused an accident, went to court. Pled guilty of course, but fed them the “impoverished student” line. He actually was one of the richest people I knew, with a trust fund awaiting him at 21, and millionaire parents… But I digress.

        Judge said that as he was a poor student, he’d only get the minimum fine.

        Instead, he gave the maximum number of points…

        So, be careful what you wish for.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          In the US if he pled guilty to the original charge, then the points are assigned on that basis and the judge cannot lower the points. If he wanted less points then he would have to have the charge reduced.The joke is that DMV is god because they have final say as to points and DMV fees.
          The judge does have some leeway over the amount of the fine.
          A good judge should make the person aware of the fines and points they are agreeing to, BEFORE they formally plead guilty. This is so they know what they are getting before they commit to it. OTH, some folks rush through the process and try to figure it out after all is said and done.

    7. Hmmm*

      I’m not in Texas, but in my state if you get a traffic ticket you essentially can show up and just pay a fine and get no points on your license. Everyone who got pulled over by the same officer shows up, you all get the same reduction, and that’s that.

    8. Amy Farrah Fowler*

      I’m in Texas too, you can usually contest it or do defensive driving to keep it off your record. You can only do defensive driving once per year.

    9. blackcat*

      I agree with others saying contest it. You may get it knocked down to a less serious ticket or waived all together.

    10. bunniferous*

      this is worth getting an attorney over. Sometimes they can take care of things before you even have to go to court. But that is in NC so I will defer to any Texas residents weighing in.

    11. Catsmm*

      I’m in Alabama, and here we can do something called traffic school. You pay for the school (usually one Saturday class and about the same as the ticket) and the fine is forgiven and it’s not reported to your insurance.

    12. Tarheel ticket*

      The last time I got a traffic ticket (rolled through a stop sign — on campus! on Labor Day! early in the morning! I was literally the only person driving with 1/4 mile of that intersection!), I got letters from lawyers within a couple of days. Picked one, lawyer went to court for me, entered a prayer for judgment continued, I didn’t violate any other traffic laws for X years, I got no points on insurance, and have no violations on my record. The lawyer wasn’t cheap, but it was a LOT less than points on insurance, that’s for sure. I’m not sure if this is something you can do in Texas.

    13. Champagne_Dreams*

      I’m in Texas. I got a ticket for speeding in a school zone, which was total BS. I’d slowed down for the school zone, exited the school zone, and had sped up to the normal speed limit. It was a completely BS ticket. I was so mad that I got a traffic lawyer. It took forever but the whole thing got completely dismissed and the lawyer cost me less than the ticket would have. Ask around your friends and co-workers, I’ll bet at least one of them has a traffic lawyer they can recommend.

    14. pancakes*

      If you can challenge it on the internet or take the time off to show up in person—if that’s the only option—it could be well worth doing so. It’s entirely within your rights and simply sensible to ask them to prove / establish / show you & the court somehow that construction workers were in fact present. Do they have timesheets from workers that show hours and location? (Names would be redacted). Camera footage?

    15. Flash Bristow*

      Oh you poor thing. Can happen to anyone. Here in the UK if you weren’t toooooo far over, you get offered a speed awareness course for a first offence. Costs more than the fine and humiliates you, but keeps your clean record. (A relative did it, I was really curious to know what happened, but they were ashamed and clammed up. I guess the course did its job….)

      So I’m shocked your only choice is “pay or go to court”. My sympathies.

      The construction zone thing is also alien to me. My impression of the US is that pretty much everyone drives and a car is essential… (Is that true, big cities notwithstanding?) so I guess I’d assumed your rules were more laissez faire – expecting everyone from teens to great-grannies behind the wheel – rather than tighter than ours. Wow.

      I agree with the others, even if it costs more than the fine, do hire a lawyer if it will keep your record pristine and shiny. Best of luck. Hope it works out.

    16. Copenhagen*

      I don’t know anything about traffic tickets, but I do have a story to hopefully make you feel better:

      My father in law got a ticket for speeding, when we were visiting Spain. It got sent to him in Denmark, where he lives, but it was all in Spanish, so he had to get my sister in law to come over and translate it for him. So she translated it, and when she was done she turned the ticket over, and asked her dad “Soooo… Why did you need me to translate, since it’s all written out in english on this side?”.

    17. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I’d definitely look into challenging it. I got a ticket in a construction zone once but it was clearly a bit of a set up as there was a line of police waiting out of sight to pull people over as soon as they passed them, and there were no signs to warn that there was construction ahead. I went to court to challenge it and the judge was reducing the fine for everyone who had been caught up in the same trap. My ticket was reduced from $200 to $20 and no points.

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        Forgot to mention the salient detail that I would not have been speeding if there had not been a temporary limit for the construction zone.

    18. Just me*

      Last time I got a speeding ticket, I contested it. Ticket was for about $200. Went to court. Didnt see the judge, just a court clerk. Told her what happened and there was no way in hell the cop could have clocked me going 55 on this winding, hill back road. She asked me where it was. Told her. Turns out she knew the road. She said she would throw my ticket out if I agreed to pay $100 to the tax deductible victims advocacy fund. Jumped at that. No points, my ticket showing up on my record and it was a tax deductible donation. Win-win-win as far as I was concerned.

  2. T.M.*

    There should be instructions on the ticket. If not, look at the website of the city or town that issued the ticket. My city (Sacramento) has an online form you can fill out.

  3. Tea Earl Grey Hot*

    Cat question! Our cats, Calvin & Hobbes, are brothers and best buddies who have been raised together. A week ago, Calvin spent the night at the vet (he’s better now), but when he came home, Hobbes began hissing and growling – a first for this laid-back cat. We kept them apart and gave Calvin a bath (!!!). Hobbes again hissed & growled. We swapped blankets between them so Hobbes could get Calvin’s scent, and swapped the rooms they were in so no one cat had the run of the house. Now, they can hang out in the same area but they give each other a wide berth. Sometimes Hobbes will come over and sniff Calvin for several seconds, then give a small hiss and walk away.

    Anyone have any tips for reuniting estranged kitties?? I’ve lurked long enough to know that the cat love is strong in this group. :)

    Our vet recommended Feliway, a diffuser that calms cats. It comes in the mail today, so we’ll try it as soon as we can.

    MORE INFO:
    Both are male, neutered.

    Hobbes has never acted like he would fight. He’s not bullying Calvin (running him off). If Calvin is where he wants to be, he’ll look mournfully at the spot and walk away (before they would squish themselves into a spot together & cuddle).

    Calvin has never hissed back. You can tell he’s confused and wants to be with his buddy, but he’s not pushing Hobbes.

    I can pet Calvin and rub his face, then immediately hold my hand out to Hobbes. He’ll sniff my hand and then want to be petted with it. It’s as though he recognizes Calvin, but is still miffed. Like when someone jumps out and scares you – after a moment, you know who it is, but you’re still mad as heck.

    I think they are SO CLOSE to flipping the switch and going back to their old bond, but Hobbes is still getting in his little hisses – small ones, but he’s not over this issue yet.

    Are we doing the right things and just need to wait, or is there another way to bring back the love? We’re trying Feliway diffuser this afternoon – any other tips? Kitty photo tax paid in my link name.

    1. Worked in IT forever*

      No advice, but one of our cats (who is normallly pretty passive) has always hissed at any other cat who has spent time at the vet. The hissing goes away within a day or two in her case, but it sounds like you are making progress with your cat.

      I think the hissing for a while is a very common problem—that some cats just think “you smell different and I don’t like it.”

    2. Cat Person*

      Yes, just wait. I have had this happen before too. It may take a couple of days, but they will soon be back to normal. Even though you bathed him, the other cat may still detect a trace of the dreaded vet on him. Don’t force them together, they’ll forget what they’re doing one day, and start chasing or playing together, and all will be forgiven.

    3. Art3mis*

      I think you’re doing the right thing. I think Calvin just came back smelling weird and Hobbes was like “Yo what’s that about?” I think they’ll go back to being buddies again soon. I think there was an episode of My Cat From Hell about this and Jackson Galaxy basically had to reintroduce them, which is what you’re doing with the scent swapping. I’ve tried Feliway and I can’t say that it worked, but it doesn’t hurt and I’ve heard it working well for other cats, so why not try it.

    4. Accidental criminal*

      This happened to mine after something scared one of them! It took a few days keeping them separate and I started carrying the one that hadn’t been scared to get the one used to him again. And feliway helped. Best of luck! I’m sure it’ll get better soon.

    5. Old Woman in Purple*

      Cats are smell-oriented like Humans are sight-oriented. When one cat in a multiple-cat household goes to the vet alone, s/he comes back ‘smelling funny’, which the other cats find upsetting.

      My solution has been to always take all cats to the vet together, even if only one cat needs attention…. the others are just along for the ride…. avoids the issues you describe, as they all end up with the same ‘new smells’.

      With an overnight stay involved, I would take the ‘didn’t-stay-over cat’ along when picking up the ‘overnight cat’, making sure both cats are petted by vet/vet-techs so kitties have similar smells & stress-from-car-ride levels. Yes, this makes THAT TRIP more of a hassle, but overall it is less bother than the multiple-day not-getting-along thing.

      1. Tea Earl Grey Hot*

        That’s a great idea about taking the second cat to the vet to pick up the first. They normally both go together, but the overnight stay changed that.

      2. That girl from Quinn's house*

        You’re very lucky your vet is patient enough to do this, I can imagine this doesn’t work with all veterinary clinics.

      3. Cheryl*

        I do this with dogs and call it moral support. And I did the same thing the last time I had to put one down. I wanted them to be able to say goodbye, so they wouldn’t pace the house looking for the other.

    6. Roja*

      Yeah, you might just need to wait. Our two had a spat that lasted for a few weeks some years ago. It was utterly mystifying and cleared up after three or so weeks. We didn’t even do the Feliway or anything like that, so you’re way ahead of us!

    7. The Redshirt*

      This all sounds fairly normal, and you’re doing the right things. Cats often get grumpy when their pal returns from the vet smelling All Weird Like. Something else that you can try is feeding them very tasty food at the same time in the same room. Keep the dishes at a respectful cat distance, but within sight of each other. The pleasant taste of tuna might help the cats remember that they actually like each other. You can also give treats as a distraction when the situation seems tense.

    8. cat socks*

      Aww, they’re so cute! This happens all the time with my four cats. Baby Panther is the most sensitive of the bunch and it will take a few days for her to come around. You are doing all the right things! Hope they get back to normal soon.

    9. Forrest Rhodes*

      I agree with other commenters—this will pass. I had to deal with it only once, when tortoiseshell Mouse had to spend a night at the vet. When I brought Mouse home the next day, her first action was to approach her tortie littermate and lifelong pal (they were even spayed on the same day), Cat, for a “welcome home” and some consolation.
      Cat immediately launched into her Annoyed Cobra routine, fuzzing up to double her size and hissing at maximum intensity. Mouse backed off, confused—I could see her thinking, “Hey, you idiot! It’s me!”
      Cat then marched over to give me a “You brought the wrong one back, you jerk!” glare and wouldn’t have anything to do with me either.
      We were back to normal in a day or so, though, and I’m sure you will be too.

    10. Laika*

      Another ‘just wait’ comment here – time and patience! We’ve had to re-introduce our younger cat to the older four times now (!) post-vet visit, and it’s taken anywhere from a week to a month for them to get back into their routines. Scent swapping and separating them into different rooms if someone starts to get worked up is definitely the right way to go. In my experience, there’s no single lightbulb moment that goes off and they’re suddenly ‘friends on’ again, but instead the hissing just slowly tones down as the aggressive cat readjusts and after a while you’ll catch them snuggling/behaving normally and more and more often, even if there’s periodic bouts of annoyance.

      As for Feliway, we bought the multicat/friends diffusers and they worked a charm! Since it takes about a week to be totally effective it was hard to say whether it was the diffuser or that they’d just worked it out themselves, but there was definitely a difference in introductions with vs. without Feliway. (YMMV – I’ve read it just doesn’t work for some kitties.) Now we just buy a refill and plug them in a week early if we know there’s a vet appointment coming up. We’ve also tried dabbing them both with pure vanilla extract (*apparently* it’s a strong enough scent that it can overrule their ‘stranger danger’ response) and I’m not sure how effective that was, but they both smelled like freshly baked cookies for a week so that was nice.

      The hardest part for me was seeing the younger cat get rejected (like your Calvin) and her disappointment, but it hasn’t seemed to affect their long-term relationship. Considering your boys are bonded brothers I’m sure they will be back to normal soon. :) Please update us!

      1. Tea Earl Grey Hot*

        I can’t imagine four times! Normally they go to the vet together, but the overnight stay threw that off. Just plugged in the Feliway. Good to know it can take up to a week. I think they will have worked it out by then, but I like the idea of having it pre & post vet visit. They’re sleeping a few inches from each other now, so I’ll take it. :)

    11. Purl*

      Have you tried getting them playing together? Get them in one space and too distracted by a wand toy or laser pointer to notice weird smells or hissing from the other, yet close enough that they start forming good associations with each other. Do that often while you wait it out.

      1. Tea Earl Grey Hot*

        I thought about that, just haven’t tried it yet. I think a laser pointer would make them both forget their tiff. Hobbes especially is a sucker for it.

    12. Tea Earl Grey Hot*

      Thanks for your comments, everyone! I needed the reassurance that they’ll get there in their own time.

      They’re currently both sleeping about 6 inches from each other. Hobbes was there first, and gave a tiny growl when Calvin approached, but didn’t object to Calvin settling down at his feet. Progress! I just can’t abide the drama. :)

      I didn’t realize just how important two sweetly snuggling kitties is to the overall comfort of my home. :)

      1. MissDisplaced*

        We have to remember that our indoor cats are still very territorial and mark territory (and us) by smell and may defend it by hissing. This upset does seem a little lengthy for a overnight vet visit, and I’m not sure why, but it’s still definitely the “I don’t like your smell” category. I think it will fade.

      2. Aurora Leigh*

        A friend of mine had this happen and what sped the process up for her boys was taking some water drained off of canned tuna and rubbing it on the cat that had been at the vet’s overnight. The at home cat groomed him all over and they were back to being best buds! The yummy tuna smell probably helped cover up the weird vet smell too.

        1. Tea Earl Grey Hot*

          I haven’t heard that one before! Might help, since Calvin isn’t the best at bathing himself and it’s starting to show since Hobbes isn’t cleaning him either. :)

          1. Gerald*

            I’d suggest doing it sparingly (if at all), as you don’t want to have to bathe a cat who smells of tuna. It’s a good idea in theory, but would make things worse if the cats don’t behave as planned.

    13. EmilyG*

      This has happened to me once with my two young sister cats. The only thing that helped that no one has mentioned yet is taking a washcloth, rubbing the facial scent areas of the stay-home cat (in front ears and along chin) and then rubbing the washcloth on the vet-visit cat. Same idea as your bedding thing but focused directly on the areas that produce scent.

    14. Autumnheart*

      One of my cats hisses and growls anytime one of the other cats goes to the vet. She even does it when SHE was the one at the vet and is the weird-smelling one. It’s annoying, but it tapers off over 2-3 days, then everything is back to normal.

    15. Minocho*

      My little less than 6 pound female will destroy the world when she or any other cat in the household goes to the vet. She was a terror when we evacuated for hurricane Harvey as well, terrorizing her brother and the old man non stop until she collapsed in exhaustion, only to rise, refreshed, and start the hissing and growling all over.

      The old man just sort of shrugged and kept his distance. Her brother was seriously upset by her attacks and kept trying to approach for cuddles and reassurance.

      Loving on both of them and giving them time is the only thing that really helped. I always try to give her as much space as possible, and always leave her an avenue of retreat so she doesn’t feel cornered.

  4. Teapot Translator*

    I had two weeks off work and I failed to do most of the things I wanted to do. I spent it mostly sleeping. I needed it, but still… So, the beginning of January will be dedicated to catching up. What are your plans for January?

    1. Lena Clare*

      Sometimes that’s just what you need to do on holiday!
      I worked over the festive period, but I have just started a week ahead off now :)
      I’m looking forward to chilling out, napping, reading, getting back into writing, and trying to do some chores! But I’m definitely not going to push myself to do much in my week off.

      The rest of January I’m going to be continuing to look for a new job, and also starting dating again! I think I’ll need lots of luck for that.

    2. Marion Ravenwood*

      Getting back into running/exercising (I had a couple of weeks off in between my old and new jobs over Christmas, which meant I could go for a run in the morning, and I realised how much I missed it)
      Making a dent in my reading pile – as part of my whole ‘no spending money on unnecessary things’ approach I’m trying to read all the books I have before buying any new ones
      Decluttering! I have a ton of old clothes, book, general junk etc that just needs to go. I’m doing a 31 day declutter challenge on Instagram where I throw/give away one item a day and so far it’s going pretty well.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I claim that I am not going to buy more books, but I am full of it. The Bookbub email will come one day, and I will be powerless to resist its charms. However, I am buying a LOT fewer books since I got hooked up to our public library/Overdrive. I have to wait to read new releases/popular books, but it saves so much money.

    3. Trixie*

      Me too! But I did enjoy some Netflix binging while “puttering.” I had almost a month off and sounds lovely, but my house is usually freezing so not as cozy as it could have been. Looking at January, I’m backing to organizing/purging. I have random stuff throughout that just needs to be collected in a box and tackled like it was a massive junk drawer. More immediately, I’m enjoying the process of decorating my office and cutting my own mats for posters/framing. Also jump starting my wellness schedule. Eating better, drinking more water, and moving more often.

    4. Alpha Bravo*

      Working on interior construction for my new barn; building stall, feed and tack areas. I don’t anticipate completing the work this month but I do hope to get it started.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My motto for the year is “Finish the unfinished.” That umbrella covers a lot of things, so this post could be long.
      The most critical tasks are to finish some unexpected repairs on our no longer all that new house so we can move to things like redoing the home office (the built-in desks & cabinets are repurposed kitchen cabinets, and although they’re eye-catchingly pretty, the space is inefficient.)
      Second, I’m going to start looking for a job with a shorter commute and a more evenly managed project load.
      Third, I’m getting back into a regular exercise habit that fell by the wayside because of how tired I’ve been at the end of the day. (Nothing impressive, just enough to compensate for a desk job & long commute: walking outside every day and lap swimming at least 1/week.)
      Finally, I’m going to finish a few embarrassingly old craft projects….or donate them.
      I’m hoping for enough improvement to sleep more soundly by 2020.

    6. cat socks*

      Same here! I hosted Christmas dinner for the first time and it was more work than expected. I spent the rest of the time sleeping and being lazy. I meant to clean out my fridge, but that didn’t get done. My goal is to do that sometime this month. I tackled my pantry during Thanksgiving break and I’ve been managing to keep it organized.

    7. Post-caregiver burnout*

      Cleaning the apartment, hopefully. I’ve got one spare room that probably has to wait ’till February, though, because I’ve stored my spare papers there and it’s a wreck.

    8. Sick Civil Servant*

      I just got back from a 10 day vacation in an exotic location with my 13 & 16 year old daughters. My migraines bothered me so we didn’t spend lots of time touring the city. Instead, my kids had the courage to leave me in the hotel room and go shopping on their own. They enjoyed themselves. So they didn’t see every touristy thing the city had to offer. They found a great dim sum place & a great pizza place. The girls got along, even in a small hotel room with all three of us sharing one small bathroom. If everyone comes away happy, it’s a successful vacation!

    9. t.i.a.s.p.*

      This thread makes me feel a lot better about not getting ANYTHING done over the holidays. I have both severe house mess/clutter to deal with and a massive amount of paperwork for volunteer organizations (sorting, filing, and doing year end statements that should have been done a while ago). Kind of feeling panicky. Oh well, just have to get working.

  6. Julene*

    What do you do to avoid boredom? I’m single, mid-30s and most of my friends/family live out of state. Since I gave up dating apps (best decision I’ve made in years) I have very little to do in my downtime other than watch tv or go outside and exercise. I already volunteer but still find myself climbing the walls with boredom on weekends. Any tips?

    1. annakarina1*

      I like watching movies, taking workout classes, doing errands, and joining up with meetup groups. That’s a few things I do to keep from being bored.

    2. MissGirl*

      I joined a Meet-Up group for hikers. Meet-Up has groups for everything under the sun. Are you a communist who likes to drink wine and hunt squirrel, there’s probably a group for that. It gives you an excuse to get out and do something new. It may take trying some different groups to meet people. The one I joined was too big and varying to form relationships but it got me out.

    3. Lena Clare*

      I don’t know what Meetups.com I’d like, but maybe that’s an option for you? I’d really like to go to my local hiking group but they meet on weekdays, so I guess that might say something about the average age of the members if they’re retired…

      Anyway, alternatively have you got any kind of crafty hobbies that you could join a group for? Like Knit and Natter, or a choir maybe?

      Or if you don’t mind doing hobbies in your own, how about reading, worrying, art.

      Oh, I used to do quite a few adult ed classes at the local uni. The art history one was good.

      How about local history?
      Or you could maybe do your family tree.

        3. Flash Bristow*

          Brilliant! Worrying makes a great resolution because it’s one everyone can complete at some point without even trying…I

          The best resolution I’ve heard so far is “I resolve to have a resolution next year.”

          The more I try to get my head around whether or how it is self-fulfilling, the more confuzzled I get. Yet at the same time I think it’s doable…?

        4. Earthwalker*

          I’ve been worrying in a lackadaisical manner until now but this year I could focus my efforts on becoming an truly excellent worrier. At last, a new years resolution I could keep!

          1. CAA*

            Anyone can start a meetup, so you could always start The Saturday Hikers Club. Plan out one hike per month for 6 months and see who else responds. Everyone brings their own food, water and gear, so all you’re really doing is saying “let’s meet at this trail head at this time and hike 5 miles”. If you want to get more notice, look for a Facebook group for events or activities in your town and post the info there as well.

            2. Junior Dev*

              You could also post flyers at a sporting goods store for it, or at wherever permits are sold to park at trail heads.

    4. Foreign Octopus*

      I read or write but I’m never bored when I’m by myself; I’m often bored in company so I feel my advice may not work for you.

      However, have you considered finding a dog shelter and seeing if they’ll let you volunteer as a dog walker as well for when you go out and exercise. Often the company of a dog, even for a few hours, does wonders for boredom because you end up talking to the animal and laughing at what they get up to.

    5. WellRed*

      I read, cook, tv, etc. I am late 40s now, so not such an issue but in my mid 30s had the exact issue you are having. Got myself a part time retail job.

    6. Teapot Translator*

      I joined a hiking club. I’ve taken a lot of different classes over the years (knitting, sewing, pottery, singing and piano lessons…) I also work part-time as freelancer (in addition to my full-time job). I don’t often get the time to be bored.

    7. alex b*

      I’m in a similar situation, and my dogs are what keep me not bored. Dogs require constant and consistent care but also provide opportunities to do stuff beyond just their regular walks/playtime (eg “let’s all get on the subway and go check out that new dog park!” “let’s try out a doggie bacon bubble machine!” “let’s go to that beach that’s dog-friendly in winter months!”).
      Another hobby that I fully plan to embrace at some point is cultivating either a bonsai tree or orchids.
      I guess generally I like nurturing entities that aren’t people (I teach and work in higher ed; my work week is all about catering to individual human needs and whims). I’m kind of a loner outside of work, but I’m honestly never bored. Another thing is that I am always listening to interesting podcasts while doing other stuff.

      1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        On that note, a local big brother/big sister thing would also give you an opportunity to try new parks, etc.

    8. SignalLost*

      Meetup! Bear in mind that it will take time before you find your people (I join a bunch whenever I get the sads and rarely go to them because of timing, etc) but if you have some hobbies I find those better than professional meetups.

    9. Marion Ravenwood*

      Another vote for Meetup. I’d say join a lot of different interest-related groups (even if you don’t go to all or any of the events – the group I’m an organiser in has several hundred members and at most about 20 or so of those come to an event) to see what’s on offer, and as SignalLost says don’t be disheartened if the first one doesn’t necessarily stick. It took me a year before I found a group that I see regularly outside Meetup events, and two others that I’d consider myself a regular at.

      The other things I do to stave off boredom are reading, watching TV, going to concerts (I’m lucky enough to live in a city where there are lots of free/cheap shows on offer), writing’/taking photos for my blog and sewing.

    10. Canadian Natasha*

      I try to make sure I have things to do on a regular basis that hit multiple areas of growth or interest: brain/learning (language lessons), creativity (art class, going into nature & taking pics, writing), relationships (friend dates, coffee dates or video calls with relatives- depending if they’re local), health (martial arts, making interesting meals with new ingredients), spiritual (church, reading theology books, nature visits), bravery (planning & taking solo trips). If you can identify an area in your life that feels lacking you could look for a class or activity to fill that gap. That’s worked pretty well for me so far. :)

    11. DuPont Circle Travel*

      If you can afford it, maybe look into a theatre subscription, if there’s a good one around. It won’t be every weekend, but something to look forward to every couple of months (usually, depending on their schedule) and will give you a fun night out supporting the arts! And there’s the plus that going to watch a play can be a communal thing, especially if you end up sitting near other subscribers that can be dependable seat mates.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      What do you love? That’s where to start. I was involved with a history club for years until my commute burned me out on the travel… so I’m trying to find people who do the parts I miss the most without the driving. For me that’s crafts, music, cooking, and being outside. I’ve got people for two of those things… three when summercomes again. And once i clicked ‘interested’ on a few Facebook events, I’m seeing posts for more. So I’m sure I’ll find more.
      Good luck!

    13. Cat*

      I’m 35 and single and moved to a new city six months ago so I kind of had to reinvent myself. I have been going to a meet-up group for women in their 30s which does a lot of interesting activities. I haven’t made lifelong friends or anything but it’s nice to have a built-in way to do things. I also started volunteering at my local Humane Society. It’s just nice to go in and snuggle the dogs and feel like I’m doing something useful at the same time. Oh, and I got my own dog, which has been great.

    14. Tookie Clothespin*

      If you are at all crafty, I just joined Bluprint. They have a ton of options, including things like yoga, sewing and cake decorating. I like it because I don’t have to commit to a class, I can do it when I feel like it. They were having a free box promotion when I signed up, so I paid for a years subscription and they sent me all of the supplies needed to knit three different projects. (They have boxes for a bunch of different disciplines, not required but gets you started)

    15. Laika*

      I just discovered that our public library offers free online course access to various (otherwise paywalled) websites, like Lynda and Rosetta Stone – maybe something like that is available in your area, if that might capture your interest?

    16. irene adler*

      I take classes at the local community college and at the university extension.
      I’m always working -slowly- towards some kind of certificate: Real Estate, Python, Medical Device -Regulatory, interior design, etc.

    17. Ranon*

      This might be more weekdays than weekends, but you could get involved with your community at the political level- my city has tons of citizen advisory boards, I’m part of an org that meets once a month to work towards political solutions to climate change, and there are many, many other options- I find it fills a different bucket for me than volunteering does.

      A religious community, particularly if there’s a background you have an affinity towards, is another option- even if you lean atheist the Unitarians have room for you.

      Building up more community and links with people however you do it is both a good way to combat boredom and generally good for your health- particularly if you’re far from family it’s nice to have local people to count on and it sounds like you at least have the time to build those relationships.

    18. Look Out Below*

      That funny because I was just thinking that I couldn’t remember the last time I was bored in my own home. At a family dinner I’d rather skip, sure! But in my own home, with no plans with friends or volunteering, there is so much for me to do. I do a lot of crafting, either cross stitching or cosplay/costumes. I also do a lot of reading. Recently I took up puzzles as something to keep my hands busy while I watch TV.

    19. MissDisplaced*

      I know some people do like meetups.com for fun group activities like kayaking, wine tasting, hiking, etc. I think it’s a nice thing to have because you can do things you might not want to do by yourself.
      When I was single and was by myself, I liked going to museums or day trips to local attractions in nearby cities, or to the beach. And of course shopping! But I do agree that as you get older some things you used to enjoy (like amusement parks, malls, movies, arcades, etc.) don’t fit the bill anymore.

      Note: Even though I’m married now, I still travel for work, and thus often have solo time in strange cities. When I was in London by myself, I went and enjoyed the theatre every night “guilt-free” because it’s something my husband hates.

    20. HannahS*

      I started a blog about my sewing and knitting projects, which forces me to write, learn a bit about photography, learn a tiny bit about how to more effectively use a computer, and gives me (in a positive way) pressure to make stuff instead of lying on the couch watching youtube videos.

    21. GoryDetails*

      Have you tried geocaching? (See the geocaching.com site for more info.) If you like excuses to wander around the area, have a GPS device of some kind, and enjoy treasure-hunting, that might be a good match for you. (If the area you’re in is sparse in caches, perhaps this wouldn’t work out, but you won’t know until you look.) I mix it with trips to interesting restaurants or brew-pubs or historical sites – or Little Free Libraries, as books are perhaps my main hobby.

    22. Prof_Murph*

      I’m right there with you. I find myself bored very very often. I have a good job that gives me A LOT of free time. Sounds ideal, but as a single person, it means keeping myself engaged. I only have a small social circle so trying to find things for me to do on my own is getting more challenging. I feel guilty if I read all day (which is my most favorite thing to do) or binge-watch – and I do these things a lot. I have a few crafts I like but I get bored of those too. Going to the gym is helpful and I getting to like that more. I like cooking a lot, but cooking for one can be a drag. While I have done Meetups and found some that were fun, I’ve stopped going because I got sick of all the awkwardness of meeting new people. But maybe I just need to find the right group. I guess I’m not offering much but just commiserating and good to hear that I’m not alone in this challenge.

    23. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I’m a big fan of being a tourist in my own town. This can be easy or challenging, depending on where you live. I When I was fresh out of college, I lived outside of DC and knew no one (and had very little extra money), so I would go to a different museum every weekend. When I moved to NYC and knew no one (and had very little extra money), I spent a lot of time walking and exploring. If you have museums or galleries in your town, or nice parks, they can be great to explore. Since you’re on your own, you can go at your own pace and not worry about anyone else’s preferences. I spent a lot of time planning and figuring out my routes, so it was something to look forward to on my very, very, VERY quiet weekends.

    24. RebeccaNoraBunch*

      I am your age and a single woman…I have a dog and I’m also a standup comic. Between those two, meal prepping, trying to exercise, and occasionally dating, I’m overwhelmingly busy.

      Then again comedy isn’t for everyone, haha. But maybe pursuing a creative passion would be good?

  7. LGC*

    Might as well get the first running dispatch of the year started! I know that it’s not the best weather (in either hemisphere), but what do you guys have planned for the next few months?

    My big ones are the Boston Marathon and the Brooklyn Half Marathon. I’m a little nervous – this’ll be my first Boston! And I’m hoping to PR again at Brooklyn (I ran 1:19 last year). I’m looking to do other stuff, although I’m going to get slammed with entry fees this month (whoever planned the windows for the NYC Marathon and Brooklyn Half to overlap: GUYS I’M NOT MADE OUT OF MONEY).

    Also, Fred Lebow in two weeks! I’m not expecting much because it’s New York in January and I’m just ramping up again, but it’s going to be fun.

    1. CoffeeOnMyMind*

      My running goal this year is to get back up to doing half marathons. My leg injury finally healed last fall and I started running again, but then the weather turned and I kept getting sick, which interfered with my running schedule. Yay winter. But I really enjoy the half marathon distance, so I’m eager to get back into those races.

      1. LGC*

        Good luck, and I’m hoping you stay healthy! And yeah, running in the winter is tough.

        The half marathon is a great distance – one of my favorites. (Because I don’t have to take multiple days off from work after, for starters!) I’m hoping you’re back up to running them soon.

    2. Marion Ravenwood*

      My goal this year is to get to 50 parkruns (I’m currently on 25). Did the first one of the year today and got a much better time than I expected, so onwards and upwards!

      I also signed up to be a ‘perfect prefect’ in my Harry Potter-themed virtual running club (basically to do all seven of their races this year *gulp*) – the first one of those is due to be announced next week. Slightly longer term, I’m looking at doing the 10k at Run Disneyland Paris in September too, if I can make it work with my new job.

      1. Jay_Ess*

        This is my first time hearing about parkruns, which… neat! Running can sometimes get elitist, and free events and virtual running clubs are a great way to combat that.

        1. Flash Bristow*

          Parkrun is fab – hubby got into running that way. He now runs with a group (well, different groups but with overlap) 4 times a week… Everyone celebrated his 250th parkrun last year, people bring cakes for birthdays… It’s a lovely community! He also volunteers there (I’m thinking of the commenter above who has nothing to do on weekends – you can direct, scan bar codes, marshall and put out signs… All sorts!) and as people often begin by walking it – or part walk, part jog – there’s no pressure to push yourself or compete.

          I’d recommend it to anyone able to participate. I’m physically disabled and unable to join in, but if I show up to that or any of his other running events, I’m always welcomed and included. I can’t think of any other community where I’m not just treated as an “other half”. It’s truly lovely!

      2. LGC*

        Ah man – Parkrun isn’t so much of a thing where I live (it seems to be pretty big in the UK and Australia, I think?), but they sound really fun! Have fun, and good luck on getting to 50!

        And good luck with all of your other races (and hopefully you can get the time off for the Paris race). Honestly, part of the reason I like my current job is that they know I’m a runner and are cool with it. (Plus, I’ve been there long enough where it’s okay for me to bounce off for a week at a time.)

      3. hermit crab*

        That’s a great goal! My local parkrun (held on land managed by the National Park Service) is cancelled indefinitely because of the government shutdown :(

    3. Running*

      I’m running the NYC Half and the cherry blossom 10 miler 3 weeks apart. The last time I ran close to these distances was last year’s cherry blossom, but a friend of mine is training for Boston and hopefully we can meet up for some runs!

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Is that the run in Washington, DC on April 7? I’ve never done a race in DC and somehow, I never heard of this one until now. It’s on my bucket list to run a race there, but I’ve been reluctant because all the half marathons I’ve seen in DC have been in March (when the risk of bad travel weather is high) or in September or October (when it would be much too hot in DC for me). April might be perfect and 10 miles is a great distance. Something to think about for next year or beyond.
        But back to you — good luck in the races!

        1. acmx*

          The Cherry Blossom run is a lottery entry and closed in Dec. I didnt get in. I think they have a two strikes snd you’re in.

          1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

            Yup, saw that but I was thinking of a future year anyway. Good luck next time!

    4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I’m going to run the NYC Half on March 17 and can’t wait — hopefully there’s no late-season snow or ice storm. I’m hoping to run a NYCRUNS 10K on Governors Island on May 19, and maybe add another 10K over the course of the year — it’s a distance I haven’t run much and would love to do more. I haven’t decided on my fall half marathon yet. For the NYC Half I literally have no expectations time-wise; I’m just looking forward to enjoying the scenery.

      1. LGC*

        Good luck – and hopefully you’ll have better weather than last year! And hopefully you’ll be able to enjoy the bridge and the FDR!

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m no runner with my shin splints, but I’m getting back into walking. What brand shoes would this active crowd suggest for distance walking on pavement? I have a very high arch and wide feet, so shoe stores can be frustrating.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Every runner/walker is different. Even if you’re not going to run, going to a specialized running store if there’s one near you and getting professionally fitted might be helpful. Asics have been my go-to for years, but I’m sure every runner on this board is going to have a different opinion! Good luck.

      2. Jay_Ess*

        Plus one to the Librarian. You’re going to get a lot of Hot Takes re: shoes. With wider feet, New Balance, Keen, and Merrell all make shoes that come in different widths and are high quality. I would steer clear of giant warehouse type shoe stores and go to a specialist. If you’re on a budget, I would then use The Last Hunt, The Clymb, or Steep and Cheap (gear wholesale websites) to keep an eye out for the shoe and brand you’ve been recommended.

        Also, buy really nice socks. It makes a huge difference. I have heart-eyes for Balegas and Icebreaker socks.

      3. AVP*

        I also have wide feet and find the Allbird Wool Runners to be the most comfortable shoes I’ve walked in in ~years~

      4. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Thanks all! …and Jay, FWIW I’m wearing Merrells now. But the last pair I ordered online fit differently than the ones I’ve been buying for (gulp) 13 years. Hoping it’s just one bad pair not a manufacturing change.

      5. LGC*

        Okay, so everyone gave great advice, but one more thing: it’s okay to go by feel! If a shoe feels more comfortable for you, don’t feel bad about getting it even if it’s not what’s recommended. (I mean, consider the recs, but they’re not gospel.) It’s a little bit contradictory, but really it’s about what’s comfortable for you.

    6. Bulbasaur*

      Still working towards returning to 10k for a February event, so I’ve been running over the break (summer here, so it’s easier). It’s generally been going very well except for last Monday, when I decided to cut a run short due to increasing tension and soreness in a prior injury location, which meant a moderate walk home as I’d been doing a long out and back route. Thankfully it wasn’t a new injury, I was able to address it with targeted exercises and stretches (of which I have a great number by now) and I was able to complete a shorter run on Thursday with no ill effects. I have an appointment with my physio this week so I’ll check in with him and review. In the meantime the plan is to alternate shorter and longer runs and work my way up to my target distance (I’m only about 10-20% short at present so it should be doable).

      The slight worry is that my problem run was earlier in the morning than I usually go, and I do tend to feel a bit of extra stiffness in the mornings. The event run happens to be early in the morning as well, so I’ll need to come up with a strategy to deal with that in case it’s a problem. I’m sure the physio will have some tips to offer on this.

      1. Jay_Ess*

        Foam roller the night before, epsom salt baths (cozy), targeted stretching from physio, solid hydration, and a nice brisk warm up walk before your event. All things you’ve probably heard of or tried. Stiffness is fortunately usually not damaging, you just have to listen to your body and learn the difference between pre-pain and just regular complaints.

    7. Jay_Ess*

      I can’t say too much about my races without giving away my location pretty clearly, but my goal is to get faster this year. I’m off to a good start; PR’d my 5km, 10km and 1/2 marathon distance the first week of January, oo-rah!

      I run mostly trail, so it can be hard to get a proper benchmark for pace. I’ve been suckered back into a bit more road running to build consistency and use that as a benchmark, so I’m hoping to trim my 1/2 marathon time from 1:40:00 to 1:30:00 (ambition!), and to do a 5km with a sub 4 minute pace.

      I’m super excited and honored to have been asked to pace someone at FatDog this year, so I won’t be spending too much time on speedwork or roadwork once spring hits. I’ve got a couple fatass style 100km runs planned, which will be my first 100km runs ever, and am nervous/excited. Only one of my runs is registered on Ultra SignUp, so my profile won’t be improving too much this year but I think I will be!

      1. LGC*

        Good luck! And…I thought I was pretty ambitious!

        It sounds like you should be able to do a sub-20 road 5k . If your road PR is 1:40 for a half, that’s in the 4:40/km range. Usually, that should correspond to a 21-minute 5k (which would be 4:12/km), although I might be a bit off.

        I’m way less familiar with trail (I’m mostly a road guy right now), but the 100km races sound pretty intense. That’s pretty close to an all-day thing, right? (Well, not 24 hours, but like…10 or 12, right?) And good luck with your pacing!

    8. Ruth (UK)*

      I came here looking for running advice… though I’m a bit late posting… I’m going to do a half-marathon in April – the same one of which I did both last year and the year before (the year before being my first race).

      However, I recently became aware of a trail marathon very near me happening in mid-Feb. (Also, I happen to live in the area of the country where hardly any long distance events happen anywhere near me). I’m thinking of doing it but not sure if it would be a terrible idea since up till the other day, I’ve not known about it and therefore not been training for that distance, and it’s quite close.

      However, I’m tempted to go for it anyway, but not sure if that’s a bad idea (risking injury etc?).
      Some stats/info:
      * I currently run regularly (often 5 or 6 times a week) but typically shortish distances of 3 – 5 miles per run at present
      * My half marathon times have both been almost spot on 2 hours.
      * I cycle quite a bit (about 10 miles per day) as my main form of transport
      * I take part in other activity (mostly dance) approx. 3-4 times a week (sometimes more). Ie. I’m fairly active generally
      * The longest running event I have ever entered is a half-marathon, but I have travelled further distances of around a marathon-length within a day by walking/hiking.

      Do you think it would be an ok idea to enter this trail marathon with a mindset of just completing the distance as my first marathon, with no goal time (and I wouldn’t be opposed to walking some of it etc). The cut-off time is almost 8 hours so I wouldn’t run out of time.

      I have spoken to some friends (incl people who run) who have offered mixed opinions has to whether I should leave it till next year or just go for it but not worry about time.

      ps. This race has not sold out in previous years, so I may be able to do some longer runs, see how it goes, and decide closer to the event.

      1. Jay_Ess*

        Hey, hi! Trail runner here. I usually run trail half/25 kms, but have completed a 50km race and a couple of Adventure Races (mountain biking and trail running) that were 50km as well.

        First of all: you could do this. However, you’d have to train harder… or at least, start putting in some long runs immediately. In general, you should expect to double your road time when you go to trail. Elevation, footwork, the absorption of energy into the terrain, all contribute. I would recommend going out and trying a trail 5 miler just to see how it feels. See if there’s any Orientation runs associated with this race, or trail clubs that are training for it and if you can come along.

        For context, my flat road 1/2 marathon PR is 1:40, but I usually budget about 3:30 to 4:00 hours for my trail 25kms. My “mid pack” pace for the 50km I did was about 8 and a half hours. Some of that timing is going to depend on your elevation gain and loss. Look at the course map and consider how used you are to running hills as well.

        1. Ruth (UK)*

          Thanks for the advice. I should probably add… I am fairly used to running on terrain more varied than just road etc: I am mostly running in heavily wooded areas or on (muddy) mud path along a river, or grassy sections, or narrow/windy path. Last year (2018) I completed 2 obstacle course races which went well (one was a 10k on a jump-and-ditch obstacle race on a course made for horses and the other was a 5k ‘mud run’ which a lot of small obstacles).

          I do try and include routes that are not flat though I’m aware I probably need to do much more hill training! – and more in general if I plan to enter.

          ps. at first I was surprised when you said you take twice the time to do a trail course… but then, I took a little over 2 hours to do the jump-and-ditch 10k mentioned above – longer than my half-marathon time and more than double my regular 10k and I felt like I spent a lot of time during it running at my ‘regular’ pace…

    9. Jay_Ess*

      1:19! so speedy. (praise hands emoji). What’s the new PR goal?

      Also my friend likes to quip “it’s not training if it’s not raining” but that might only apply to we PNW runners getting drowned this month.

      1. LGC*

        Probably 1:18 or under – which I’m hopeful I can do, actually! I should be a little better rested this year – last year, I was in pretty good shape, but I’d just run my first marathon three weeks before. For what it’s worth, I’m a little more focused on getting to 2:50 at Boston, and possibly 2:45. (My marathon PR is 2:54 at New York.) It’s mostly a matter of making sure my legs actually hold up until 26.2 (or at least as close to 26.2 as possible), since that’s been my problem so far.

        I’ve pretty much given away my location, but suffice to say…we get all four seasons, sometimes in the same week. So it can just as easily be 15 degrees as 50. (This winter’s been on the warmer side for the most part, so far.) With my upcoming race, I’ve talked to teammates who’ve run it before and they’ve said that recently it’s been cancelled as often as it’s been actually run.

        That said, we’re usually running in most conditions. Including when it’s cold enough that the town high school’s track freezes over. Or when the park pathway flash floods (in our defense, it was not flooded when we left, and we were six miles away from the start).

    10. A bit of a saga*

      I’m running the Barcelona half marathon on 10 Feb so that’s my first big goal of the year. Then, I have talked a couple of friends into running a 10 mile race end-Feb and I will in all likelihood do the 20k in my home city end-May. But: I have to say I haven’t been all that motivated this past week. I had a – for me – ambitious goal about how many km I wanted to run in 2018, and I met it, but when I did I also felt a bit deflated, like ‘now I just have to start all over again’. And the weather also sucks here – gray, rainy, gets dark early. Tips for staying motivated?

      1. Jay_Ess*

        Sounds like runner’s hangover. I had it really bad after my first ultra. Take it easy on yourself. Do runs that feel fun, and don’t make yourself go out every time. Or, if you do go out, just listen to your body and skip distance or pace goals. Put on your shoes, grab your water bottle and tunes and just… see what feels right.

        Buy something fun for running. Find a run club or challenge that intrigues you or makes you laugh. Choose an event for later in the year that is different from what you might normally do. Try a different sport entirely for a while; cycling is great for cross training. I actually find that when it’s super gray, rainy, and dark, what I like to do is wait until a truly ridiculous time of the day to run. It’s depressing when it’s dark at 4:30, but it’s *always* dark at 10 p.m., and then I feel like a badass that I went out when everyone else was sleeping.

        Do something that reminds you why you like running, basically, but don’t force it, because that’s a good way to get stuck in the hole.

        1. A bit of a saga*

          I’ve long wanted to get started on doing some cross-training but I have a busy family life and the running is by far the easiest to fit in. I should go check out the local gym, though, and see whether I could fit a class into a lunch break or two. That should be doable. And I did actually end up going for a decent run today, inspired by your words on ‘just get going’

      2. LGC*

        Motivation is really tough during the winter!

        So, here’s what’s works for me (and I’ve said this a lot): having other people to hold me accountable. I will be honest – there are times when I run even when I don’t feel like it (not like I’m injured, just that I’m tired from a long day at work), just so it shows up on Strava. Another thing that motivates me is numeric goals; going back to Strava, I’m also the kind of guy who bought Summit (their premium service) just so he could look at the pretty graphs and statistics.

        (This has turned into an ad for Strava, and…I’m not completely mad at myself for this. This might also be a covert Gretchen Rubin ad.)

        But really, it depends on what generally works to keep you honest. In my case, I’ve already mentioned my primary motivators – generally, I like graphs and I like approval from others. Some people do well if they have a schedule. Some people…just need to be true to themselves. Finding motivation is basically about figuring out where you’ve had success in the past and adapting that system. It seems like having the mileage goal worked, but wasn’t quite rewarding enough – so maybe something else might work better!

        Winter-specific: get winter gear if you’re in a cold location. Get a headlamp (you can start with a cheap one, but you might end up frustrated with it not being bright enough and dream about buying a $70 one because it has over 9000 lumens NOT THAT THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME) and reflective gear/lights for night runs. And plan out routes where you feel comfortable and safe.

        And good luck with everything! It sounds like you have a pretty full schedule ahead of you!

    11. runner*

      I’m looking do to a 5K now that I seem to be able to run again? Has anyone done the Frozen Penguin one in NYC? it’s in early Feb. Or the NYRR one in March, but that is super hilly, and I want to make sure my achilles can take the hills. It’s a bit ridiculous to run these as I won’t get a PR or anything but I’m just so happy to be able to run again, I just want to be out there, if that makes sense.

      1. LGC*

        I’ve done NYC Half in 2018, and written a bit about it. It’s…fairly hilly, yes! (I had ~430 feet of elevation gain recorded, but that was based on GPS – so it might be a little inaccurate.) You’re going to hit three significant hills/climbs, from what I remember:

        The Manhattan Bridge is…I want to say about 2 1/2 miles in. It’s the steepest one, and probably the one that scared me the most on the map. But it’s also 2 1/2 miles in!

        On the FDR, you’re running on the upper level for a couple of miles. Which means you have to get up there. This is a pretty gentle ascent, but this might be a surprisingly hard section if it’s cold and windy (like it was last year).

        Finally, Central Park is probably the toughest section. You’re going counterclockwise, so you’re going north at first (I think up into the 90s, IIRC). Since this is Central Park we’re talking about here, you’re getting to rolling hills around mile 10 onward.

        The first mile out is actually downhill, though. I’m not sure whether that would be an issue for you, though. It’s also a downhill finish, which is kind of nice.

        That said…I’m a bad hill climber, and that was my second best half marathon. (It was also probably the hardest I’ve ever run a half marathon, and maybe any race period – I was hurting for a week after!) On the other hand, I say I’m a bad hill climber, but I run hills pretty often. So my perspective might be skewed.

  8. Tookie Clothespin*

    Following up on last weeks thread about ACL, I am going to be the primary caretaker for a family member after a total knee replacement this summer. Any tips for the patient or me? Anything you wish you had known? Patient is in good health otherwise. Thanks!

    1. Texan In Exile*

      If this person will not be able to walk to get to the bathroom and if it is at all possible financially, I would suggest that she stay in a nursing home at first. My husband took care of his father after his dad’s hip replacement. We didn’t realize that his dad had even had the option of a nursing home. (Dad did not want to stay in a nursing home, so didn’t even tell my husband about the possibility.)

      Dad could not walk without a lot of help, so my husband, who weighs 160 lbs, was helping his 250-lb dad in and out of bed, out of chairs, etc.

      And – dad could not walk to the bathroom and stand, so — my husband had to transport and take care of the urine bottle. It was not pleasant.

      Then dad refused to do his PT and, because he was at home and not in a nursing home, there was no 3rd party to insist that he do it.

      It was an absolutely exhausting experience – my husband’s mother was also in poor health, so he was pretty much full-time caretaker for two (cranky) people for a month.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        I’m sorry. My post is so negative!

        What I think would have helped my husband:

        1. Meals already prepared and in the freezer so he didn’t have to scramble to figure out what to feed his parents every day.
        2. Someone to come over for a few hours every day or so to give him some respite. (He didn’t feel comfortable leaving his parents alone.)
        3. The physical therapist came once or twice a week. His dad would do PT with the therapist but would not do his homework. If your family member is compliant and motivated, this probably won’t be an issue, but – if she needs someone with authority to make her do something, is there a way to have the therapist come daily?
        4. The urine/bathroom situation. How will this be handled? My husband’s dad thought it totally appropriate to ask me to carry his portable urine bottle when I visited him. I – did not think that was appropriate. Maybe this is a conversation you can have with the family member?
        5. His dad was in charge of all the bills, etc, but was too tired and cranky to do anything. My husband had to figure out where everything was and take care of it. Ideally, you and your family member would review essential financial tasks, medical insurance, doctor information, etc, before the surgery, just in case you need to take care of things. (I have spent my last two visits with my mom, who isn’t even planning surgery, learning all about her finances and bills and where her medical information is.)
        6. Will your family member give you access to money to go to the grocery store, etc? Or will this all be on you?

        1. Tookie Clothespin*

          Thanks Texan! I’m hoping this will be easier than your husband’s experience. She’s the most independent person I know and is doing it in the summer so she’s off work (teacher) for her recovery. I have a feeling my issue will be trying to get her to not overdo it. Her bedroom is on the first floor with the bathroom right next to it, so it’s very close.

          She’s very motivated to return to work by the start of school so I think she’ll be good about exercises so she can start back.

          Essential financial tasks is a good one I hadn’t thought of, thanks, just in case! Grocery store money will not be an issue, and I have another close relative that will be most helpful doing the cooking.

    2. Yvette*

      If you can, make sure you find out from his doctor what he can and cannot do. (I am not sure what they are allowed to tell you but they could maybe speak hypothetically, ‘A person with this condition can…’ etc.) My husband is facing a knee replacement and my mother-in-law has had two. Vastly different scenarios due to age and physical condition going in. Summer is a good time for this, clothing is easier (shorts vs trousers etc) and if walking is allowed the weather is nicer for that. Also, it wasn’t an option with my mother-in-law (wrong) time if year, but swimming is ideal PT for this when it becomes a viable option. I agree with Texas in that an in-patient rehab facility is worth it. With my mother in-law it was covered in part by insurance but that might have been due to her age or the fact she lived alone.

      Good luck!!

      1. Tookie Clothespin*

        Her doctor has advised against in-patient rehab, I think because she’s still young and has a strong support group at home. I will definitely find out what she can and cannot do, her doctor did recommend a book that will walk us through it!

    3. LNLN*

      I had a knee replacement in April of this year. My husband took care of me and these things helped:
      1) Hubby took an afternoon class at our community college 4 days a week, which got him out of the house and a little break for a couple hours. He was close enough I could have called him and he could have come home if needed, but it was never necessary.
      2) Borrow a shower chair from the durable medical equipment loan closet at the local senior center. Your family member will be safer and more independent when they start showering on their own.
      3) Write down all times and which meds are given (in a notebook or on a clipboard). The patient is drugged up and the caregiver is overwhelmed and it is easy to lose track of whether you gave that pain pill or you just thought about giving it.
      4) Follow the medical directions for controlling pain and inflammation (elevate, ice, take meds), it will speed healing and independence.
      5) My husband was amazingly pleasant and cheerful, no matter what I asked him to do. He never pushed back on any of my requests, which encouraged me to ask for help instead of trying to do things for myself before I was really capable.

      Good luck!

      1. Tookie Clothespin*

        Thank you! This is all wonderful advice. I really like the writing down the medicine idea. I’ll definitely need to also remember to get out of the house regularly so I stay pleasant!

        1. Yvette*

          “3) Write down all times and which meds are given (in a notebook or on a clipboard). The patient is drugged up and the caregiver is overwhelmed and it is easy to lose track of whether you gave that pain pill or you just thought about giving it.”

          This is important if she is on a lot of medications. My MIL had to take a lot of meds. She spaced them out during the day but what she didn’t do was take the same ones at the same time each day, so for example the beta blocker may get taken at 9:oo am on Monday but then not until 9:00 pm on Tuesday and then again at 8:30 on Wednesday, so she was either under or over medicating herself.

          1. Kuododi*

            On that note…pill organizer caddy’s will be your best friend. They are available in any drug store/ big box stores in the pharmacy section. Depending on dosing frequency and size they should run between $6-$10 ish. They’ve saved me personally in managing my meds as well as helping with my mother’s meds during her knee replacement recovery and dealing with her dementia meds. Best wishes!

    4. StarHunter*

      1 knee or both? My mom had one knee done when she was about 78. Because she had someone at home (her partner) and I was going to be there for a week, the doctor recommended she go home instead of a rehab center. He said patients always heal better (and stay healthier) at home. My mother was out of recovery in the early afternoon and a few hours later had her up and walking (with a walker) and doing a few stairs (she had to navigate stairs to get in her house.) She was totally mobile with the walker and just in the hospital would call for some help to get her out of bed and in the bathroom. She was only in the hospital for a few days. The PT started coming to her house the the day after she came home. Recovery took about 3 months maybe? PT is the key! They worked her hard to keep the muscles/ligaments in motion. The other thing her doc had her do was PT 6 weeks prior to the operation. He said patients with pre-surgery PT also have a better recovery.

      I think a lot of my mom’s success was she was relatively pain free from the surgery. She had a small pump with a line into the knee that directly pumped in painkiller. So she wasn’t out of it because she didn’t need other pain medication. She was fortunate to have the surgery at a top ranked hospital in NJ and a young, talented doc.

      I enjoyed some meals for my mom and worked remotely here and there to stay caught up on emails and such. When my mom was sleeping I took some time for myself and went for walks or runs.

      What a nice and kind thing you are doing. I think your family member will appreciate your company which IMO is the best medicine for recovery!

      1. Tookie Clothespin*

        Just one, she’s still very young for the procedure (but it needs to be done). I work completely remotely as a freelancer so I’ll be home all of the time with her. For these reasons, her doctor also recommended no in patient rehab. Thanks for the suggestion about the pre-surgical PT. I’ll talk to her about it!

    5. Been there, done that*

      My 78-yo mom had total knee replacement last February, and she stayed with us for about six weeks after that. She had previously had both hips replaced, one six and one twelve years prior to the knee.
      First (now), try to get your patient to do AS MUCH physical therapy BEFORE the surgery as possible. The more strength there is, the better and more quickly the recovery will go.
      Make sure that the pain meds are being taken regularly and appropriately. You won’t do your exercises if you’re in too much pain. While on the topic of pain meds (Mom was on Vicodin), be aware that opioids cause major constipation and be prepared to deal with that, whether via diet or over-the-counter or prescription meds.
      DO THE THERAPY!
      You’ll need a significantly raised toilet seat, with side support bars. We had a commode that just sat over the regular toilet, and we could move that into her room (with a bucket) for overnight.
      DO THE THERAPY!
      Make sure that there are wide-enough paths throughout the house, and move any throw rugs etc. out of the way. We also needed to get a recliner, since the leg needs to be elevated most of the time.
      DO THE THERAPY!
      You should be able to have in-home therapy for a week or two, but you’ll probably need to go to a therapy place after that. That might be at the same hospital where the surgery was done but, if not, have him/her check out some PT facilities ahead of time to see how they work. My mom really disliked one place (too much of a “gym” attitude) and loved the place we ended up taking her.
      Oh, and did I mention this? DO THE THERAPY!
      Good luck to you and your relative – knee replacement is tough, but it leads to SUCH an improvement in quality of life!

      1. StarHunter*

        Yes, remove the throw rugs and keep the paths clear. I think the PT person came to the house before my mom’s surgery to point out how we could remove any obstacles and tripping hazards. She also had a few post surgery in home nurse visits too.

      2. Tookie Clothespin*

        Thank you! I have a wonderful PT that she can see after the person stops coming to the house. You are the second person who recommended PT before surgery so I’ll definitely talk to her about it!

        She has an extremely high pain tolerance so I think I’ll have to monitor to make sure she’s taking what she needs.

        I’ll make sure she does her exercises! I’m hoping it’ll be a great thing for her. She’s active and wants to be but the knee has definitely impeded her life for a few years so I’m glad she’s getting it done!

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Seconding PT to strengthen the surrounding muscles before surgery, really emphasized by my daughter’s surgeon. (And part of why we ran out of covered visits so fast.)

          Also the stool softener. Which we did wind up needing, so glad I bought it with the first round of drugs and she may want to just go ahead and take it as soon as the Vicodin starts.

          On pain tolerance–daughter was in more pain than expected and so taking more drugs that first week. Second week she was down to one pill to help her sleep, and stopped before the prescription was through. Needing more drugs on day 3 doesn’t mean you’re going to need that level of drugs on day 13.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      How big is your family member?
      If they’re big or heavy, PLEASE watch videos on how to SAFELY assist a person. There are good techniques and bad ones. Consider renting power equipment like a chair or lift, etc. to save your back, if necessary.
      Two women in my family suffered permanent injuries from care-taking. I’m hoping you’ll be fine.

      1. Tookie Clothespin*

        My family member is not large, but I’ll definitely watch because I’m fairly small and not super strong. Thanks! Wouldn’t have thought of that.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Oh, shower stool! We were in a hotel near the medical center (so she wouldn’t have any stairs) and they had wheel chairs and shower stools one could borrow. Before I left we ordered a shower stool for her to use bathing the first few weeks after she was back in her dorm.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            Also seconding the respite suggestion upthread. A couple of times over the week her friends came by to have takeout and watch a movie for a couple of hours. She crashed hard afterward, but the change of pace was good for her and the chance to go out and not be focused only on whether she was doing okay was good for me.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Looked after my daughter after ACL surgery.
      a) Be aware of the weather re getting to the pharmacy to fill that opioid subscription immediately after surgery. (Hopefully doesn’t come up for you–not something I expected to come up and then I had to improvise in an ice storm as everything closed in a major southern city with no plows. The hospital didn’t have a pharmacy; no, they couldn’t give me a couple of days’ worth to tide us over…)
      b) For her: PT. This is what makes the big difference in recovery. Even if it feels like it’s not doing much at first. Also annoying–insurance may only cover 6 sessions when she needs 30. Bite the bullet and do it, but it may help to figure this out in advance for budgeting.
      c) Be flexible in your timing–we both were surprised at how far back she was knocked and how slowly she recovered, and I extended my stay a few days.
      d) Drugs. Taking the powerful pain killers lets you sleep so your body can heal. She wound up upping the dose (after conferring with surgeon’s office), got a refill for the prescription, and then tapered off the following week. Varies a lot–listen to your body. Expect the first few days to be painful and foggy.

    8. Sutemi*

      If the bath doesn’t have a hand-held shower, you can install one now. I found it very useful following a different recent surgery.

      Prep food in advance, freeze individual portions. Have plenty of light reading and viewing material available.

      Take time for yourself each day, caregiving is mentally and emotionally taxing.

    9. ..Kat..*

      Ask your family member to put permission in her medical chart for you to be able to talk independently to her doctors and nurses.

      Have family member (FM) get prescriptions filled before her surgery. Find out what over the counter medications are appropriate (Tylenol, ibuprofen, etc) and have these at her home pre-surgery.

      Take FM’s bedpan home from the hospital. Buy a package of adult diapers and butt wipes. If she is on pain medication, she can sleep so deeply that she wets the bed.

    10. Anon for this*

      I’m last week’s ACL gal. My surgery was on Wed.

      If you can, be part of the “Drop off and pick up patient” team, so you can sit with patient post surgery when s/he is getting all post op info from doctor. This is an excellent time to ask questions. You and patient should write a list of your questions. I have a folder and steno book to keep all info straight. Make sure you have a number for the nurse/Dr service if you have questions or need addnl prescriptions. You don’t want to call the hospitals general number and have them track down the correct doctor and number.

      If patient is currently on meds, write them all down and confirm compatibility with both Dr and pharmicist. Post surgery, I’m on a short term antibiotic and a one week blood thinner, which would have had an uncomfortable reaction with a current med.

      Set up the patient station at home. Comfy lounger or couch with table within arms length for water, books snacks, remote.

      When trying to walk, I cannot put any weight on the “bad leg”. However the leg is in a full length leg brace which makes both legs the same length! So, I have a hiking book on the good foot, which adds about an inch and makes it easier to use the crutches and keep the bad leg off the ground.

      I am in love with ice. Have a few packs that you can cycle through each day. At night, I have a mini playmate cooler next to my lounger, so I do not have to get up and get them.

      My sleep/wake cycle is all screwed up, likely from painkillers. I’m sure it’ll work itself out over the next week or two.

      Definitely keep a schedule of when pills are administered. You may also want to include when a bowel movement occurred, as opiates have that side effect.

      Also, if she’s getting a nerve block shot prior to surgery, the effects can last up to a day or more post surgery. I didn’t need any painkillers after surgery, or even then next day, which gave me quite the swollen head (I don’t see why anyone would complain about this surgery, etc), and the following day the nerve block wore completely off and boy was I happy to take my prescribed opiate. I’m glad I did not try to overdo those two days.

      Good luck!

      1. Anon for this*

        Also, regarding pain management: for some folks (me), it is essential that I keep to a schedule of pain pills. If I miss a dose, the pain returns, and it can take a much longer time for the med to kick in.

        If this happens, the key thing is to keep your leg still!!! Do not pull at the brace, or wiggle your leg or try to somehow rearrange your leg to make it more comfortable. All that is happening is that you’re causing even more irritation to the swollen incision site and making it worse. Grit your teeth and keep the leg still. It will help minimize the pain much faster. Trust me on this one.

    11. Common Welsh Green*

      My husband, my son-in-law, and my closest friend have all had this surgery. (Friend is an amputee as well, so that added a level of complexity.) What each of them found invaluable was using a circulating cold water therapy system for pain control. The pain relief is immediate and can be used whenever it’s needed, as opposed to having to wait until the next pain pills can be taken. Less pain means a faster recovery period, and much less stress on both patient and caregiver.

    12. Cheryl*

      I had a knee replacement last year, I live alone and the out patient morons didn’t think to get me set up for durable medical equipment!! A shower chair and potty chair would have made things so much easier. An actual walker would have been nice as well. Took me almost 4 months b4 I went back to work and boredom was a huge factor. Other than the above, the biggest issue I had was being left alone as I either had to do it myself or do without. And without happened a lot.

    13. MargaretCook*

      Get a “donut” to raise the height of the toilet seat! Absolutely critical to standing up from the seat, unless there is a grab bar.
      Borrow or buy a walker; if at all possible get one with a shelf or seat across it. I’ve had it done twice, once both knees at once, which was a terrible mistake, once just one knee, not so bad. But I live alone and it was hard to get a cup of coffee or dinner from the kitchen to my comfortable chair. The second time I had a deluxe walker (which insurance paid for!) with a seat that had a tray with a rim that snapped onto the seat. Made a huge difference.
      Definitely clear throw rugs and clutter out of the way of the walker pre-surgery.

    14. nonegiven*

      My mom got a toilet seat thing that raised up how high it was so it was easier to get up and down. A walker with a basket for carrying things. Trash bags and duct tape to wrap around her leg for showering.

      My parents had a combo tub/shower turned into a walk in shower so she could get in and out. Mom said she wished she had got the kind with the door instead of the shower curtain because water got all over the bathroom. They also got a shower seat and put in a shower head that comes off so you can hold it in your hand while you sit.

      She did all her exercises and had a machine that moved her leg around that she had to use a couple times a day. We made ice packs with alcohol and water in doubled ziploc gallon bags for icing her leg after the machine and after the exercises. We had to wrap her knee in ice packs and towels and pin it to keep them on. All the exercises and machine and ice packs, going to the bathroom, taking her meds, eating her meals, it was pretty much a full time job.

      We printed out a med chart for every day that had all her meds and various therapies on it so we could write what time she took meds or did any exercise or therapies. There was a lot to keep track of.

      Home health sent out a nurse to check vitals and take blood a few times. There was an aide that came to help her shower but not every day. A physical therapist came to give her new exercises and measure her progress, how far she could straighten and how far she could bend.

      She knew people that had knee replacement that were never able to straighten their leg again because they wouldn’t do any of the exercises, so she was pretty diligent about it and gets around pretty good now. She had one knee done one year and the other the next year.

  9. Foreign Octopus*

    I started the All Soul’s trilogy by Deborah Harkness last week and I finished the first book but I was so disappointed by it! I had high hopes for it and bought all three at once and now regret it. I know that some people will disagree with me but I just felt like the entire relationship between Matthew and Diana was so rushed. By the end of the book they’d known each other for 40 days but were already married and deeply in love. It struck me as Twilight for adults: better written, in my opinion, but in need of a decent editor to pare it down.

    What are other people’s opinions on this series? If you liked it, what am I missing?

    1. The Grammarian*

      I did like it, but I could see how the relationship was rushed. I found their relationship almost as satisfying to read about as the one between Bill and Sookie in the Sookie Stackhouse novels. I think I was particularly geeked out by a female academic having such an ardent suitor.

    2. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

      Oh yeah, I was also deeply deeply disappointed by that book! I picked it up and thought oooh cool, witch mythology, somehow completely missing the whole vampire romance thing (I know I’ve only got myself to blame IT’S IN THE BLURB or at least was on my copy) and yes, Twilight for adults is a pretty accurate description. I also did not like their relationship at all and basically felt like there were interesting aspects regarding the witch thing which all got strangled by the romance.

      Full disclosure though, I gave up after the first bool so maybe it gets better?

    3. Reba*

      Ha, I’m reading it now, it is enjoyable but also bad??? I think I’ll finish the series though. I credit Deborah Harkness for imagination on the scenario/magic system, but I keep wondering what such a story would be like in the hands of a better writer. Also makes me curious to look at her academic writing.

      Have you tried The Invisible Library series?

      1. Reba*

        AS3 reminds me quite a bit of the Outlander series, now that I think of it.

        And I see it is coming to television, too.

    4. Not a cat*

      Yah, I hate-read three of books of the series. At the time, a fellow writer was reading them too. We would have these great conversations mocking the heroine. I think Harkness was aiming for the Mayfair Witch (Anne Rice) mythos, but she fell short.

    5. Marion Ravenwood*

      I’ve read all three and watched half of the TV series (it was broadcast over here in the UK this autumn). I quite liked the books, because they’re quite easy reads with some good supporting characters and great descriptions – it’s not a spoiler but I thought the second one did a good job with the Tudor England setting in particular – but I do agree with you about it needing a decent editor. There’s a sense of it getting bogged down a bit in explanations sometimes and the pacing is a bit uneven – like the love story moves really quickly but finding the book (which was the thing I personally found quite interesting) seemed to get sidetracked or neglected quite a lot.

    6. Jules the First*

      I liked the first book but thought the rest were much less strong…there were some good bits in each book but I thought the science bit got badly lost and the whole Benjamin storyline was a waste of time and a distraction from some much more interesting storylines. It was a fun read, but not as engrossing or enjoyable as I was hoping it would be.

    7. Julie Nittler*

      I picked up the first book at the library not knowing it was a series. I was about a chapter from the end when I realized it wasn’t going to end there. I thought the first one was ok, silly and like a Twilight for the academic crowd, but I read the second one to get some closure (?) and it just got more ridiculous, although it felt like it got the time period well. The romance takes over the whole thing and is the least interesting part. And then there’s a third book! I may hate read it if it’s ever randomly on the library shelf.

  10. Bluesboy*

    Back in August I posted that we were on our way to pick up our new kittens, two Devon Rex (‘monkey in a cat suit’) cats. Someone asked for an update, so here it is!

    They are adorable. Friendly, loving, cuddly, and I have become crazy cat man. I like animals, but never expected to be so head over heels in love with them.

    If anyone is interested, pictures can be found on Instagram at #concordecorellia (the boy is Concord and the girl is Corellia). I wanted to call them Fred & Ginger since he is in a tux and she’s a bit ginger, but was overruled…

    2. Sammie*

      I am so jealous! A friend got a Devon Rex about a year ago and I have cat sat a few times – I am besotted with the minx! She is a lot of work, very attention seeking, and knows how to push every button you have – but my goodness, she is charm personified when she wants.

      I will definitely be checking out your Instagram. Sounds so squee.

    3. DessertDweller*

      They’re beautiful! I’ve wanted one for decades but probably won’t have one so I look forward to more pics of yours.

    5. Drew*

      No remedies to offer but all my sympathy; I’m in the second day of a head cold and I don’t want to do anything but lie down and sleep.

  11. MissGirl*

    Ugh, first day off in ten days and I have a bad cold that’s also making me dizzy. So instead of skiing, I’m trying to stay upright at home. What are your favorite remedies?

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Sore throat: hot milk and honey

      Congested noise: powerful menthol gum (always cleans out the sinuses)

      Dizziness: flat on my back, Netflix playing, one foot on the floor.

      I hope you feel better soon!

    2. CoffeeOnMyMind*

      Gatorade, sprite, soup and a mountain of tissues. Also Amazon Prime Now. It’s not really a remedy per se, but the two hour same day delivery is a godsend when you’re not feeling well and don’t want to drag yourself to the store to get necessities.

    4. Afraid of reporting sexual harassment*

      Mountain snow dweller here. Storm’s hitting right now! For a sore throat, I’ve heard a hot beverage and a shot of tequila will do wonders. Feel better!

    5. cat socks*

      Sudafed is the only thing that helps when I have a cold. I get relief from my runny nose and it helps clear up the sinus pressure. I like spicy food too since I can’t taste as well as normal.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Once the nose clears a little, a sinus rinse. (Aka neti pot). When I was new to it I learned the hard way to skip it when the head’s totally plugged. I heard the squish as water went into my ears…and yes I basically gave myself an ear infection.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Just a reminder: Use distilled, bottled water in your neti pot. Don’t use tap water.

        1. Lilysparrow*

          If you’re referring to the lady who got an amoeba infection outside Seattle, that story was very misleading. She wasn’t using municipal treated tapwater. If you find the story in the local paper, you’ll see she was using untreated water from her home well. The deadly micro-organism in her case is soil-borne.

          There has never been any issue with using US municipal tap water in a Neti pot, because none of the potentially dangerous organisms can survive ordinary water treatment.

          If your house taps are connected to a raw water source, then yes, your “tap water” is unsafe. It’s probably unsafe to drink after a heavy rain, too.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            It may be safe, but the chemicals in our local water made it stink to high heaven when directly applied to the inside of my nose. Same discovery with the CPAP. Just too much something, so I do spring for the distilled.

          2. Autumnheart*

            We were discussing that Seattle amoeba story at work a while back, and I thought it seemed hinky. If there really were brain-eating amoebae in a municipal water supply, you’d think a) they’d warn people and b) there would be more than one case. Glad to know it was indeed unique circumstances.

    7. Laika*

      Oh no! Sorry to hear that. I came down with a rotten head cold on my first day off for the holidays, too. I slept a lot, drank plenty of tea and the occasional hot toddy (for morale purposes of course), and ate so much spicy chicken soup. Cleared up in a few days so something must’ve done the trick. :) Hope you feel better soon!

    8. Lilysparrow*

      I get positional vertigo anytime my sinuses are full of fluid. It’s the worst, because even when I am on the mend from other symptoms and have my energy back, I get nauseous and dizzy whenever I move around.

      The goal is to get those inner ears drained. Here are some things to try:

      Drying up the fluid with decongestant may help in mild cases, but if it’s a lot, you may just wind up with a thicker sludge that won’t move. Thinning it is preferable.

      Ibuprofen or another NSAID to reduce swelling in the Eustachian tube.

      Guiafesin (Mucinex) to draw water into the fluid.

      Lots of fluids, especially warm drinks, to activate the Mucinex. “Breathe Easy” type herbal teas are good. Ginger tea helps with the nausea. I’ve also made a good expectorant tea with a sprig each of fresh peppermint and thyme. Breathe the steam as you drink it.

      A salt water gargle can help open the throat-end of the tube. A gentle saline nasal rinse can also help, if you can tolerate bending over. (I currently can’t). Saline nasal spray bottles are a good alternative.

      Warm shower – but be very careful if your balance is off. Maybe a hot bath instead.

      Vapo rub or cough drops with menthol and other “penetrating” fumes.

      A humidifier or steam bowl, or just letting the shower steam up the bathroom.

      Chewing gum or trying to yawn like when you pop your ears on an airplane can help. I wouldn’t advise the Valsalva manouver, though – that can just force the fluid in deeper.

      Hope you feel better soon!

      1. Ginger ale for all*

        I have BPPV, a form of vertigo, and I find that Dramamine works wonders for me. You might want to try it when your positional vertigo gets bad. It’s over the counter and cheap. The only problem with it is that pharmacies stock it on the lowest shelf and you have to bend over to get it while you have vertigo.

    9. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I asked a similar question earlier in the week; I’m now on day 5 or so of a nasty cold, but I’m definitely at the tail end. Someone suggested elderberry, and I sent my partner out for Sambucol tablets– they have elderberry and zinc, among other things, and while they haven’t eliminated my cold symptoms, I’m impressed with their efficacy.

      I made a giant pot of kimchi stew with a ton of ginger and garlic. SO good and I swear it made me feel better.

      Another vote for hot toddies. My partner makes really good ones with bourbon and spices and honey and lemon. He once made me one with hot peppers; I think ginger would be a better choice! But we do have some hot honey, so maybe I’ll try that myself…

      Good luck! Colds are no fun.

    10. Prof_Murphy*

      I’m a big fan of OTC, modern medicine. I go with Dayquil during the day and Nyquil at night. I also do a nasal decongestant spray, but am sparing with – it can get painful. I keep vaseline on my nose to avoid the flaking/dryness that results from all the tissue use. Sometimes I use the neti pot. Tea and tons of water. Sympathies – I had to cancel my New Years Eve plans because of a head cold. I was frustrated that it took a good 4 days to run its course (with me on the couch the whole time) and I’m still a bit congested but practically all better.

  12. SigneL*

    My daughter lives 1,500 miles away and is thinking of buying a car (we helped her buy the car she has now). I have experienced lots of problems when I was looking – car salesmen asking if my husband knew I was looking, refusing to honor the advertised price, etc. Any advice on how she can deal with car salesmen? She wants a decent used car. I told her she needs to be prepared to walk away from a deal if the salesman tries to manipulate her. Any other ideas? Thanks.

    1. MissGirl*

      Ugh, I hate that process. I had a salesman ask if my husband or dad was part of the process. I’m in my mid-thirties, thank you. I actually interned for my masters at a car dealership. I had to go to each dealership and go through the process (ten different times) to help them improve (I mentioned the above).

      First, the heavy lifting of price, financing, and choosing can be done online. If you know what you want before you go in, you’ll be a lot less likely to be swayed (and save a lot of time). Ask around for recommendations for dealers people trust.

      Second, don’t limit yourself to a dealership if you’re buying used. I bought my car last year from a private seller. I was very picky about what I wanted. Make sure you take it to a mechanic and meet the person in a public place.

      Third, don’t be in a rush and don’t sign anything until you’re ready to buy. Some dealers will want you to sign a price agreement saying you’ll buy if they get you your price. You can walk at any time up until the final paperwork. Don’t worry about being nice, just be firm.

    2. Madeye*

      This is what I did back in 2008. I looked at the inventory of company certified used cars in all dealerships around me on their website, picked 1-2 cars I was interested in, called the online sales division of each dealership and asked them to send me an email with the final itemized price for my choices (after negotiating a bit on the phone). Most of the sales people tried to get me to go down to the dealership and test drive cars before giving me a quote, I just responded that I would test drive my 2 choices before making the purchase if I liked their quoted price and that I wasn’t interested in test driving anything else.So this way I avoided manipulative salespeople, had the final price in writing, and did end up buying my used car from the dealership for the price I has been given by email with the one salesman who didn’t try to manipulate me.
      Hope this helps.

    3. WellRed*

      She needs to figure out what she will spend and what she wants in a car. Be polite but firm, and stick with her plan.

      1. Susan Ryan*

        Also, be prepared not to buy it when you go into the dealership the first time. By doing this, you ruin the “what will it take to get you buy this today and drive it home”. Advise the sales person that in your family you always discuss the buying of major assets as a family before buying. I just bought a used car with 4,000 miles on it for a terrific price that included them paying the sales tax (we have to pay it separately here in Nevada). Also, right before you sign-with your pen in your hand-say you forgot something. Ask for something extra-heated seats for example-and they will give it to you just to get you to sign.

    4. CoffeeOnMyMind*

      My dad works at a dealership and he was telling me the other day how the salesmen purposefully do not tell the customer if something is wrong with the vehicle, because the salesman wants to make the sale. My dad said the guys in the shop are told to fix only what is cost effective for the dealership on the used vehicles. So if she’s looking at used cars, she should ask to see the dealer’s report on the car. Also ask for the car fax, so she’ll know the vehicle’s history. And if she does buy one, she should immediately get the car checked by a mechanic.

      The prices at dealerships are also marked WAY up, so be sure your daughter does her research and knows what a fair price for the vehicle is. And your advice to be prepared to walk away is spot on. Good luck!

    5. Shrunken Hippo*

      I would do lots of research online to see what kind of car she wants and what the normal price range is. Online reviews are also helpful when deciding which places to shop. When it comes to blatant sexism I am a fan of calling it out starting with a polite “I fail to see what that has to do with my vehicle choice” with asking for a manager and up to equaling their rudeness with lines such as “I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize a penis was a prerequisite for making a purchase at your establishment. I’ll make sure to tell my friends so they can avoid inconveniencing you with their estrogen filled ideas about getting the price that’s listed in your advertisements.” Basically you have to be willing to sand up for yourself which may make her feel like she’s being unreasonable, but that’s only because car salesmen like to gaslight women into feeling like asking for the same price a man pays is the same as having a tantrum even when it is not even remotely similar.

    6. Bagpuss*

      Does she have a garage she uses for her current car they may be able to advise, or offer a service to check the car over before she buys.
      Another option (deeply frustrating though it is) is to get a male friend to come with her.
      Finally, encourage her walk away if she is subjected to that kind of behaviour, and tell the manager or owner why.
      We did this when my sister was buying a car. She wrote to the manager of the dealership making clear that she had chosen to buy her (brand new, far-from-cheap) car from their competitor as a direct result of the sexist behaviour of the sales staff.

      1. fposte*

        Yes, I had my used car checked out by my mechanic before I bought it.

        BTW, I’ve bought cars twice, and never had anybody bug me about husbands or fathers, so it’s not inevitable.

        1. SignalLost*

          I would have any car checked, even brand new. And yes, I had my dad along once and my boyfriend this time, and there was incredibly minimal redirecting in both cases. And my dad did more of the “buying” – it was my first time buying a car through a dealership and I was pretty young and not self-assured. Basically, in both cases, I was comfortable with the level of redirecting, but I would feel free to walk out if I weren’t.

          1. Doodle*

            My dad went with me when I went shopping for my first (used) car — he knows a lot about cars and was just there for emotional support (I was very anxious!). We walk up. Salesman comes out. I stick out my hand, say my name, say I am interested in XYZ in a used car. Salesman shakes my hand. Turns to my dad and says, we have such and so cars, would you like to look at them. Dad says, I’m not buying a car, Doodle is. Please talk to her. Salesman walks us over to cars, starts talking about the cars to my Dad. Dad says, I’m not buying a car, Doodle is. Please talk to her. Salesman talks to dad about cars. Dad looks at me, rolls his eyes, I say to salesman, Well, I guess you do not want to sell ME a car. Good bye!
            That happened several times! Back in the late 70s. I ended up by a car from my dad’s mechanic. Who talked to ME, not my dad.

        2. Autumnheart*

          Same. Bought cars from two different dealerships, one at age 25 and one at age 36 (I’m still driving it, I keep cars until they die of old age) and both my experiences were very straightforward. I went in prepared on price and features, expected sexism and manipulation, and surprisingly it just didn’t happen. I have a decent amount of Sales Whisperer skills, but it was still a pleasant surprise.

    7. Reba*

      I’m sure it varies a lot by individual location but I’d recommend Carmax to avoid salesmanship, if that’s an issue.

      Nicole Cliffe published a guide to buying a car almost entirely over email. It’s not completely applicable because it was a new car, but your daughter might get some strategies from it.

      1. AliceBD*

        I had an excellent experience buying a used car from CarMax as a twenty-something. Very low pressure, wasn’t talked down to, etc.

    8. Extra vitamins*

      If she has a credit union account, many credit unions have services to help you with finding a car. These services can range from providing a packet of advice about how to look, to recommended mechanics to check out a car, to member survey results about various local car deAlers, meetings with an advisor, all the way up to finding the car for you. All but the last should be free.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        We used our credit union to get a used car, and the whole experience was great. Lots of other reasons to use a credit union instead of a traditional bank, too.

      2. Nonprofiteer*

        Absolutely agreed – I once bought a car through a credit union program where dealers brought certified used cars at a firm, pre-discounted rate to the credit union’s parking lot. The whole thing was so quick and painless. (Now I live in NYC, where credit unions seem to be little more than an ATM at the airport.)

    9. Alice*

      Consumer Reports has great info on used cars (and new ones too). In my town, the public library has their magazines in print and you can access their website for free from home.
      I’ve never had a dealer complain about me wanting to take the used car I’m looking at to an independent mechanic for a checkup before I buy it. I think I paid about 60 last time? To the mechanic, not the dealer. You should call your mechanic first to make sure they can look at it quickly when you bring it it.

    10. SignalLost*

      I just bought a car that went pretty well, through a dealership. I had my boyfriend along (we had, uh, not planned to buy a car that day) but I only had to redirect the salesman once that it was my car, my money, my obligation. To be fair, he was treating it as a joint decision rather than my boyfriend’s, and that’s more reasonable, but again, my car, my money, my decision.

      Don’t finance through the dealership. If her credit is good, she can get preapproved through her preferred bank. Know the amount she wants to pay monthly – I wound up getting a six year loan for a new car when I’d planned on a four-year loan for a used car but the monthly payment is the same and I decided it was worth it to not have to deal with service issues sooner.

      Tell her to consider options. I bought gap insurance and a weird double-VIN thing with mine, which are probably both terrible decisions, but I plan to refi the car through my preferred bank in a year and I’ll drop both of those then.

      Remind her that they WANT to sell her a car and she has more power than she’ll feel like she does – I got a quote that would have been a hundred dollars over what I wanted to pay, and standing up to leave got their attention.

      If they show her a car she doesn’t like for ANY reason, she doesn’t have to buy it. Make sure to take it on all road surfaces for the test drive – the route they use didn’t initially have freeway in, and the first car I looked at was awful on the freeway. The second was better but didn’t have power doors and locks and I decided that was crucial. The third was great and I bought it.

      Have it checked by a mechanic. Depending on her state’s laws, she may be able to buy the car and get it looked at and return it if it’s crap, but Washington has no 3-day period, I learned. I would have been able to return it if my mechanic found it was misrepresented, though. And get a carfax. If the car has been wholesaled or totaled, DO NOT BUY IT. My sister bought a car that was wholesaled three times and she’s had nothing but major, major trouble with it – like, a total engine replacement within months of buying it, and catalytic converters (plural) have both failed.

      Overall, she should go in knowing what she wants to pay and any deal-breakers and stick to them. I personally won’t buy a red car, for example.

      Good luck!

    11. KR*

      Tell her to keep an eye on her financing paperwork! I brought my car home and was looking through the financing paperwork to find an extra $30-$50 on my monthly payment. Turned out the dealership had added all of these extras (interior insurance, stereo warrenty??) to my negotiated price without talking to me. I sat there while the financing guy took all the extras off and made sure I told the manager that my sales person was great but the financing guy was slimy.

    12. neverjaunty*

      Is there a credit union in her area or a membership club (like Costco)? In my area these have member services that refer you to car sellers, so you not only get a slightly better price, but the dealer or seller you’re working with has an incentive to be on good behavior because they want to retain that business.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      She can ask friends around her where they go to buy cars. And key part, ask why they go there or what they liked about the place.
      Just my experience, but places that are scammy felt scammy from the moment I walked in. One place put us (my husband and me) in a room. They kept sending in different sales people and never showed us a single car. It felt like there were hidden cameras in the room, I just had this creepy-crawly feeling. So finally I said, “where is the first car that other salesman told us about. I want to see that.” We got more run around so we stood up and left. I have never seen a car dealership who would not let customers on the lot. But this one would not let us on the lot for whatever reason.

      If it helps, tell her to leave her check book at home. This way she can tell the sales person, “I will come back on a different day with my checkbook.”

    14. Grits McGee*

      Does she live near a Carmax? I just bought a car through them and had a really good experience. They don’t negotiate on pricing, so there’s a bit of a no-hassle surcharge, but it was still a fair deal and close enough to the KBB value that it was worth buying through them. The sales people get a flat commission just based on selling a car, so they’re more motivated to help you find a car that works for you than trying to convince you to spend more money.

    15. Kendra*

      I just bought a car this past week! The two most helpful things for me were 1) negotiating the price over email instead of person, and 2) negotiate for the total price of the car before figuring out the financing and monthly payments. After drives and figured out what kind of car I wanted, I emailed a bunch of different dealerships asking for their best price and got all of that talked out over email. Then when I went in, I just had to check the price from the email against the papers they were showing me. I would also get approved for a loan from your bank before going into the dealership so you know you don’t have to use the dealership financing if you don’t want to.

    16. AVP*

      Google the Nicole Cliffe method – probably on the Toast – for instructions on how to do this without really having to speak with anyone in person!

    17. Buzzbattlecat*

      I don’t know if you have this in the US, but in Australia our state governments have fleets of cars that are bought new, properly serviced, and rolled over at about 50,000 km (35,000miles ish) – often 1 to 3 years old. They’re sold at auction to the public.
      I believe rental companies do a similar thing. Might be worth checking if there’s anything similar?

      1. Slartibartfast*

        Fleet cars that were owned by the manufacturer/dealership are a thing in the states, seems logical a rental service would do the same.

    18. kittymommy*

      The two biggest things I can think of (I’ve bought all of cars) was 1. do a crap-ton of research and start narrowing down to what you like ( you’re going to have to figure out what you are willing to compromise on and what is non-negotiable, regardless if it makes no sense to others). 2. Once you have a few models in mind start looking at reviews of those cars: how do they hold up, any known defects, stuff like that and a lot will be narrowing down to a particular vintage of the car – it’s kinda like wine to me, one year can just suck and 2 years later its perfect. 3. Now you got to start looking online. Get a month or half-year (or whatever works for you) to carfax. Once you have the VIN number of the particular car you are looking at, and that should always be on the dealers site, you can run a report – these can also reveal some defects you may need to be aware of.

      2. If you can, try to set up the financing outside of the dealership. If you have a credit union press hard on getting that. Sure you are still borrowing money and incurring a monthly debt, but by having that hard line of $32000 out the door will help elevate a lot of the stress.

      3. Be willing to walk away. Seriously. If the dealership is disrespecting you for whatever reasons, they will try as much as they can to ignore your instructions. I think I mentioned this on another post somewhere, but the car I bought prior to my current one was a nice, older Lexus SUV. The one I went down for wasn’t there when I arrived the next morning so I went to their sister site next door (Toyota). The vehicle they had (same make and model just 2 years older so a little less) and it was cute, I liked it. The vehicle had a know history of timing belt issues so I asked about that, it had been fixed (which was verified on the carfax I read on the VIN). So I pulled my checkbook out, paying tax, tag, and title along with the car. No extras. I cannot emphasize how many times I said that. 45 minutes later I’m throwing my stuff in my bag to leave. and the dealer comes out, yelling at me “nono, you can’t leave we’re still working on a compromise”. “No there’s no compromise. I figured out the tax/tag.title amounts and I have the check written.” “But the dealer fees?????” Nope, like I said before, that’s going to be a hard no. The guy stared he had gotten his boss down to $50 on the fee, come onnnn????? No. At this point I’ll walk over 5 cents.

      Be ready to end the deal, and really end it, because sometimes you have to.
      Good luck, I despise car shopping. Just typing about it makes me nauseous.

    19. Anonno*

      Yes, being prepared to walk away is good! The other thing is to do your research, both on the car’s value and on how to negotiate. There are some basic rules of negotiating that go a long way if you can use them.

      Be friendly, but make it obvious that you know your stuff and you know what you want and you’re not going to buy something impulsively. Find out how much the dealership probably paid for the car and use that as leverage, asking for a fair number between that and the sticker price. Make it obvious that you want to make it a win-win negotiation.

      You can actually make the stereotypes work in your favor as, say, a young woman. If they’re not expecting you to have done your research, they’ll be less prepared to handle that and you kind of have the upper hand.

    21. Minocho*

      There’s this radio show called the Car Pro Show. This guy was a dealership owner for decades, and now runs this show. He has set up relationships with car dealers that he approves in cities across the US – and he has some dealership relationships in California (California, is huge, I know, so geography may still be an issue there).

      If you go to his website (linked in my name for this comment), you can sign up and be directed to a dealership nearby. The experience is made to be low stress, you’re often dealing with the senior salesperson or the owner, and you’re supposed to get a fair, quick, low stress deal.

      I have not used this service myself, because I have not needed to purchase a car since discovering the radio show, but all indications from listening for a couple of years sounds positive.

    22. Teeth Grinder*

      Is she trading in her old car? Something that dealers sometimes do, to try to pressure a shopper into buying: ask for your keys to have the trade-in assessed, then refuse to give them back when you want to leave. Not in so many words, perhaps, but delay, delay, delay.
      After the second time you ask without getting the keys RIGHT NOW, pull out your phone ask say you’ll call the cops. They have taken illegal possession of your vehicle, which is theft, and they are preventing you from leaving, which Is kidnapping, or at least unlawful restraint.
      The police won’t be happy to be called about this, but they are more likely to take out their displeasure on the car people than on you.
      Also, any dealership or salesperson who doesn’t want you to take the car to be inspected is a huge red flag. There is something wrong with that vehicle. The first and last time I fell for that (actually my daughter; she had her heart set on that model), it turned out to be both brakes and head gasket. We took it to our mechanic the next day, and he said, “You actually drove this here?!”

  13. Namey McNameface*

    My ILs have a huge gift giving family culture. Every time husband’s out of siblings come to town, birthdays, Christmases – my kids receive literally dozes of big and small gifts.

    As a minimalist I hate bringing back all this stuff back at my home. The kids quickly lose interest and it becomes junk. Also I hate the plastic and wrapping paper waste the gifts generate.

    Asking ILs to stop gifts altogether is too extreme. So how can I politely put some guidelines in place? Ideally I would like to reduce the number of gifts, avoid certain items like jigsaws/board games (my kids break and/or scatter these around the house and they end up in landfill), and ask them not to use wrapping paper.

    I feel rude making requests around gifts but I feel they are excessive and against the values I want to teach my kids.

    1. The Grammarian*

      You could take them home, unwrap them, and give the unopened gifts away via Freecycle or a charity shop/Goodwill. They wouldn’t be in your home anymore and a child can enjoy a new, low-cost or free gift.

      1. Namey McNameface*

        I used to do this but my kids are older now so they remember it and bug me about it for ages. Also, my ILs want the kids to unwrap, open and play with the gifts on the spot.

        Every year I pack all the unused toys/DVDs/books etc into several boxes and donate it to charity. But this is time consuming and exhausting so I prefer not to receive them in the first place. The sheer volume of gifts is overwhelming.

        1. neverjaunty*

          Involve the kids! They’re old enough to understand that other people are not as fortunate, and that there are kids in the world (and in their community) who don’t get to have the same nice things they do. That doesn’t mean they should feel guilty – but it is a positive thing and a kindness for them to help others. They can select toys that can be donated to charities. And they can also learn that the toys should be packaged up nicely. Your kids wouldn’t want to be given a puzzle with pieces missing or a toy carelessly jammed into a box, right?

          (Also, where’s your husband in all this? These are his relatives, right? It shouldn’t automagically be your job to manage the gift-giving issues with them, or to deal with the fallout of packing up and dealing with gifts from his side of the family.)

          2. Koala dreams*

            I think this is an important point! You talk about it with the kids when you give away your own stuff, and then let the kids participate by giving away toys of their own.

        2. Indie*

          Why does it have to be you? The Marie Kondo method encourages kids to be responsible for their own belongings starting at the age of 1! I think the theory goes that the parents decide how much space/toy boxes/closets the kids can have, and the kids have to prioritize what they value based on what will fit into the space. Some people then use the donations as a teachable moment for the less fortunate – i.e. let them pick the charity. You could then see if the in laws start to get the requests for less stuff directly from the kids, because once they are responsible for clear outs, they won’t be quite so into the pile o’junk, even if it was fun to unwrap. Modelling what you like to see from your in laws is good too. If you’re afraid of being seen as stingy, give their kids a cheque or cash. What kid doesn’t like having their own spending money?

    2. WellRed*

      Where is your spouse on this issue? It’s their family, Correct? Is it just the grandparents? I don’t see anything wrong with saying something (maybe you are not the only one overwhelmed) but it can be hard to buck a family thing.

      2. Namey McNameface*

        He has asked the grandparents to tone down a bit; so now it’s like 10-20 gifts instead of 30-40.

        Because he’s grown up with gifts being a huge part of family events we don’t see eye to eye on this issue. After a lot of discussion we’ve come to a compromise on how we handle birthday/xmas gifts from us; but the main issue is how to deal with his family.

        His siblings have children and I give my nieces/nephews only 1-2 gifts. I don’t know if they think I’m stingy considering they bring my kids dozens. But I just can’t bring myself to add to the huge pile of stuff my nieces/nephews receive every year. It seems like such prodigal waste.

        1. fposte*

          I don’t know how much change you can effect on his family if he’s not on board. However, I’d recommend encouraging them toward behavior that you do want rather than away from behavior you don’t. So…experience gifts, memberships, subscriptions as recommendations, maybe?

        2. neverjaunty*

          Well, the other issue is how to deal with the fact that you get stuck with all the clean-up and toy management afterward. Maybe a few nights stepping on Legos and picking up puzzle pieces for the 2,492,583th time will re-align his thinking on how great it is to shower the children in gifts.

        3. Adeline*

          My husband’s family tends towards this. I decided to treat it as a Love Language thing and not try to stop them (in case that would be interpreted as rejecting *them* rather than the plastic mountain). Instead, we direct the crazy where possible to smaller/better quality specific gifts – for example a single $$$ Paw Patrol truck rather than (literally) half a dozen crappy unrelated off-brand plastic things, clothes that don’t fit, and candy.

          Helps if the child can be vastly enthusiastic about it when it’s opened and you send regular photos of her playing with it in the days and weeks afterwards.

          It feels very weird if you aren’t naturally acquisitive but it’s definitely the lesser of two evils.

          Good luck!

          1. Parenthetically*

            YEP, directing energy toward bigger single gifts has worked for us, as has specifically requesting experience gifts. You can wrap a zoo pass or soccer tickets, Auntie Susu!

          2. Falling Diphthong*

            What finally directed my parents’ money toward that one $75 item rather than 20 $5-10 items: Completely unscripted, my mom was visiting in February and we discovered a whole bag of gifts from her in the back of a closet that we had forgotten about when putting presents under the tree. So we opened them, and thanked her, but I think that illustrated how it was a pile of more stuff we hadn’t missed and didn’t need.

    3. Madeye*

      Can you request that they stick to books for gifts? You can pass the books along or donate the books to the school or library once your kids are done with them.

    4. Annie Moose*

      Putting a limit on the number of gifts might help? E.g. “a max of five gifts”. Or you might be able to redirect them into “practical” gifts like money, gift cards, or a college fund.

    5. Koala dreams*

      For grandparents, if they don’t live with you, the easiest is to have the toys from the grandparents at the grandparents place. Your children can play with those toys when visiting the grandparents. That way the toys stay special and you can keep the kids entertained when visiting (in addition to the goal of the toys not being in your home). If your kids visit with the other relatives, the same goes for them. If the gift givers insist on bringing the gifts to your home, you can insist on them taking them back when they leave, or in worst case you can put them in a bag in the car / your suitcase in wait for the next visit to them.

      For the giving gifts to them part, just let your husband take care of that. He’s more into gifts and you are more into minimalism so it just makes sense that way. No point in making things extra stressful just because, right?

      1. Nita*

        I agree! My parents definitely toned down the gift-giving once we started leaving most of the gifts at their place. Let’s face it, giving a three-year-old a giant Lego set is only fun if you’re not the one picking up the pieces.

    6. Roja*

      You could try asking for experience gifts, tickets or zoo admission or whatever.

      Sorry to hear you’re dealing with that; I love getting gifts myself but wow, dozens sounds exhausting!

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        I agree with the “experience” thing – provided you trust them to be appropriate about it.

      2. BuildMeUp*

        I second this, if the relatives are in town long enough!

        If you frame it as, “the kids love your gifts, but what they would really love is to spend time with you and make great memories together,” that might help.

      3. Radical Edward*

        I support the strategy of convincing them to consolidate their spending, or spread it out with subscriptions, etc. After a few dramatically excited reactions from kids who get something they really actively have been wanting, the relatives will likely be motivated to continue- or at least ask you for more ideas. This is how I ‘trained’ my aunts to give me bookstore gift cards or magazine subscriptions when I was younger; their previous habit of just grabbing the biggest and sparkliest skincare gift basket in the mall wasn’t compatible with my fierce allergies. Hopefully they will come around after a couple of successful gift-receiving experiences.

        My family fortunately all lost their patience with one-use wrapping around the same time – we have been re-using and swapping the same fancy bags and bows for over ten years now! Even tissue paper gets saved… I caught my father going around behind my mother and picking up the paper before the cat could eat it, and he carefully smoothed it out and folded it into a box. It was just about the sweetest thing I have ever seen (he is often the one creating stressful messes, so it was heartening to notice that he’s learning)! When I get a box from my folks (I live abroad and they like to send goodies occasionally), I usually save the tissue paper and send it right back as padding in the next parcel. Cat hair and all.

    7. Fellow Traveler*

      In regards to the wrapping paper- my sister-in-law this year asked that we not use wrapping paper because it isn’t recyclable (which is not quite true). I love my SIL, but the request annoyed me a little because for our family, the unwrapping and reveal is a big part of Christmas morning for us.
      I did some research and found wrapping paper that was recyclable and we agreed that we would use wrapping methods that were eco friendly — recyclable paper, brown paper or newspaper, gift bags, or re-using fabric bags or fabric scraps, etc.
      If they are bringing gifts into your house you could gently phrase it as “We are trying to put less stuff into the trash bins at our house and recycle/ reuse more, so if possible we would appreciate if you use recylable or re-purposed wrapping methods.” If you can give suggestions, that would be useful. I’ve found that it is often better to give positive alternatives rather than negative dictates.
      Also- second what everyone is saying about your spouse should be the one having this conversation with his family. FWIW, my husband comes from a big gift giving background – his parents were very distant and it was one of the only ways he felt loved. For him, the joy from playing with something on Christmas Day, even if he never touched it again after that, made it worth having. Of course he is he first person to get rid of a toy the other 364 days of the year since he hates the clutter.

      1. Temperance*

        I’ve been trying to find a way to discuss this with my ILs, to be totally honest. I’m not the greenest hippie to have ever walked the earth, but it drives me nuts to see how they deal with present wrapping. My MIL, for some reason, uses a different roll of wrapping paper for each gift. She also does this weird sexist “blue for boys / red/pink for girls” thing (and it carries over into the gift contents, too). It’s just so wasteful, both in materials and time. She has this huge box with like 30 different rolls in it.

        I was thankful that my SIL called out one of the weird sexist comments (MIL fretting because one of SIL’s boys really liked his cousin’s cash register toy, and she had so much trouble not finding one that was too “girly”.)

        1. Fellow Traveler*

          Ick! I’ve found it very hard to find tasteful/ fun non gendered wrapping paper for birthday gifts and it annoys me so much!
          My husband works in waste disposal and he says the issue at Christmas isn’t that it isn’t recyclable, but rather the sheer volume of paper the holiday produces.
          I do like unwrapping presents, and appreciate the ceremony of gifting, but I agree that it can really get out of hand.

      2. kittymommy*

        So, I’m a wrapper and I’m pretty damn good at it. I hit the after the holiday sales to add in wrapping paper/bags/ribbons/bows that I need for next year. Were talking heavy, embossed paper; velvet or taffeta ribbons; ornaments hanging down from the fabric ribbon bow (maybe a fur pompom or Christmas ornament. And so much tape!!! And I’ve noticed a lot of times the ribbons and decorations are kept by the receivers for later use (I’ve actually gotten some of the decorations back on gifts). Some people just like wrapping (I adore it!!!!)
        @nameymcnameface Would it be feasible (though I know not ideal or preferred) to take the gifts to your house and then after a month or maybe two, give them to a library or youth organization? Or just leave them at the grands house????

      3. Nita*

        Maybe suggest gift bags rather than wrapping paper. They’re much easier to save and reuse. Although, the wrapping paper can also be reused somewhat – I save the cutest ones for collages and other crafts.

    8. Episkey*

      My MIL does this and on top of it, she works at a discount store, so all her gifts are very low-quality junk that she gets with her employee discount. Currently, my kiddo is too young to know/understand that I turn around and donate or return what I can, but when he gets older we are going to have this issue. SIGH.

    9. AdAgencyChick*

      Oh man. It took a LONG time to get my in-laws to understand that we don’t want more stuff (we live in NYC, there’s no room for the stuff!). We kept trying to gently steer her towards gift cards, theater tickets, etc., but my MIL said “but I want to give you guys stuff!”

      The compromise that she finally dug was giving us gift cards to a local butcher. She feels like she’s giving us an item, but it’s a consumable item so we enjoy it and then it doesn’t take up any space in our home. (My husband makes sure to gush about the delicious steaks we had on his phone calls home.)

      I’d first try “the kids have so much stuff, how would you feel about giving a membership to the science museum or zoo?” And then maybe a small stuffed gorilla or something like that with the zoo membership if they really want to see the kids open a physical thing. Or do the kids have a favorite restaurant they could get a gift card for?

      I read an article recently about how gift givers are often thinking about the moment the gift is opened and the reaction they want to see, whereas gift recipients would rather have something that is useful and/or delightful in the months AFTER the gift-giving occasion. Maybe you can talk to your ILs about it in those terms — that your kids will get pleasure all year long out of “experience” gifts rather than 10 minutes on their birthday? And promise the ILs you’ll send lots of pictures of your kids at the zoo/science museum/etc?

    10. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Give money for college. Give experiences, not stuff. Lay down the law – no more than x gifts per person, period. Excess gifts will be returned/donated/refused on the spot/trashed/whatever. Send gifts home with the giver, to be played with at their house. Sigh and get the excess gifts away from the kids before they’re ruined and donate. Pick and choose whatever works for you :)

    11. Lilysparrow*

      There’s a cute rhyme circulating about “one thing you want, one thing you need, one thing to wear, one thing to read.”

      If you could sell it as a family theme, it might be easier to get folks on board just because it’s catchy.

      I’ve also done a number of years where we had a very tight budget, so gifting to the nieces & nephew’s was small or handmade. If you persistently give less than they do, they will eventually cut back. Possibly out of resentment, possibly out of pity. I don’t really care why, it worked.

      Another idea that went over well (not mine, it was a different SIL) was to have all the grandchildren in a Secret Santa pool, so each cousin was only getting/making a gift for one other. It was doubly nice because it took the pressure off, but also because the older kids could really participate in choosing or making the gift, and it created more of a personal connection between them.

    12. Observer*

      Jigsaws and board games are actually really good gifts – it might be worth your while to get on the kids to make sure that they put the stuff away when they use it. (That’s a REALLY good habit for them to develop, in any case.)

      What would probably make that easier and more doable is if you implement a system like the first time you see pieces of a puzzle or board game, that gets packed up and goes to a charity. This means that you are not chasing them and nagging them all the time while putting some built in consequences. On the other hand it reduces the issue of the kids bugging you about where the game or puzzle went – if they wanted to keep it, they should have kept the pieces where they belong.

      1. Observer*

        I need to add that I think that this is just one piece of the puzzle. I think you’ve gotten excellent advice about things like requesting experiences, consumables and subscriptions. And also the consolidation idea.

        Adeline has a very good point – it’s a Love language thing. You’re not wrong, but for them this is how they show love, and how they see that their love is actually being seen / felt. Working from that framework is going to give you a much better chance of communicating effectively with your IL’s.

        It sounds like the IL’s want to see the kids’ excitement, which means that any experience is going to need to be something they can do during the visit, but that still can cover a lot – either that or you make sure to send LOTS of video clips. Lots of grandparents would love that. With subscriptions, they could give the first of the subscribed item to the kids and then have the rest come to your home. Or give them some sort of confirmation that it will be coming, so they get to see the kids get excited. And there are TONS of child suitable subscriptions out there. So you get lots of ideas.

  14. Où est la bibliothèque?*

    What are you cooking? I finally tried my hand at clafoutis, and it turned out great! Fancy name, fancy appearance, incredibly easy recipe.

    1. Lena Clare*

      Yum.
      I’ve just made walnut brownies, so I can make a brownie sundae later with the rest of the cinnamon and nutmeg icecream I made over Christmas.

    2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I made my own crackers for the holidays and we have lately been getting to grips with anchovies for a challenge.

        1. Jaid_Diah*

          I looked up Instant Pot recipes and found it on All Recipes.com! I’m not big on collard greens, so spinach or kale will do instead.

    4. Trixie*

      I’ve been testing out my toaster oven for small batch roasting/ baking, and so far so good. I would like to try baking socca, bread from chickpea flour. Perhaps with small cast iron pan?

      2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        I’m thinking about getting a toaster oven… need to look at consumer reports, but what one do you have and pros/cons?

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          I just spent an insane amount of time researching toaster ovens. The first thing to know is they’re all huge these days; there are no small ones like I remember from growing up. The second thing is, how much are you willing to spend? If you’re willing to splurge, this is highly recommended by review sites like Serious Eats and America’s Test Kitchen and is awesome (it’s the one I ended up with and I love it):
          https://amzn.to/2LQsZ75

          1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

            THANK YOU~ I had a simpler, smaller one but gave it away when I moved. I am looking for an awesome one to use in my “cooking for one” days now. I’m branching into gourmet eats more, and more broiling, too. This sounds just the ticket. And normally I do an insane amount of research but I am trying to finish up some key items and can’t let myself be diverted right now. (Although I’ve been ordering ‘cooking for one or two’ cookbooks like no tomorrow..). Thanks again!

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              You could totally use this to replace an oven (and it sounds like a lot of people writing reviews do). One thing to know — it gets really hot when it’s on, and you need to give it four inches* of space above, behind, and on each side when it’s on or else it can (in extreme and I assume rare cases) damage things too close to it, including walls.

              * I think it’s four inches but double check the manual if you get it!

              1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

                Thanks! I went and read up more about it, and am looking around the kitchen for the best possible spot for it. (Just jettisoned a wonderful heavy butcher block rolling cart that would have been perfect… trying to decide if I dare ask for it back!). All my granite counters have inadequate clearance…. I’ll make it work, just have to plan a bit more!

                1. Ask a Manager* Post author

                  A rolling cart would be perfect for it! You need that cart back! (We have it on a counter that doesn’t have a wall behind it or anything above it, and it’s a relief not to have to worry about that. A rolling cart could accomplish the same thing.)

              2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

                I ordered it. And called up the friend I gave the rolling cart to, and asked if they were using it. (there was a good chance they were not…. they were helping me offload things from the house as fast as I could that day as I was unpacking the u-haul). Looks like the cart is coming home now that I have a use for it…. grin. THANKS!

          2. Book Lover*

            We have this one, it is brilliant :). We actually don’t have that much clearance around it but haven’t had issues.

        2. Trixie*

          I’m starting with a Cuisinart Convection Toaster Oven Broiler, picked up on sale over the holidays at Costco. I wanted to see how much I actually used it so spending too much. The CR reviews were very helpful so I know what to expect and not be disappointed by. (My unit for example does not have an internal light which I knew when I purchased.) Heats up so much faster than my oven which I use to store pots and pans.

        3. AcademiaNut*

          I’ve got a fairly big one (local brand, so not one you could get). For maximum utility, look for one that has top and bottom elements that can be turned on and off separately, and a temperature range that goes to 250 C. The other thing I look for is one where you can put stuff quite close to the upper burner, for broiling or making toast – some models had safety features which prevented this.

          We don’t have a standard oven, so I do everything in it. The only things it’s not good for are anything too big to fit (I can do a chicken, but a turkey has to be cut into pieces first) and delicate things like sponge cake, due to the variations in heat across the oven. I can do roast vegetables or meat, braises, fish, cookies, sturdier cakes, muffins, casseroles.

          1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

            Hadn’t thought about the delicate things… but wonderful advice. Thank you! I am likely to cook almost everything except the huge things in it… and broiling is a primary want. (I have a broiler in my gas oven… but… my oven is bigger than I need for one!).

      3. Adele*

        I make mine in a regular round cake pan. It can take the brief initial heating on the stove. Also try the Italian version with rosemary. Yum.

    5. cat socks*

      I’m making a baked brie recipe for a get together with some friends tonight. I might also make some candied pecans. I made those for Christmas and they were yummy.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        Baked brie is divine! The best I ever had was at a restaurant in Lake Placid. When I cut it over, melted butter drizzled out! It was served topped with raspberry jam and there was fruit and nuts served on the side.

      3. Loopy*

        Jumping on the baked brie is the best train!!!! Haven’t had it in years and I still think of it SO fondly.

    7. Parenthetically*

      A veggie-heavy Thai curry for dinner tonight! I’m on the prowl for good ground beef recipes (interesting, flavorful, something other than meatballs, chili, burgers, etc.) since I bought 20 lbs recently to add to the 15 lbs already in the freezer (IT WAS ON SALE OK) and would love any ideas!

      1. AVP*

        if you like Thai flavors, you need to try this stir-fried ground beef recipe on Orangette. I’ll post the link below but if it doesn’t come up you should be able to google it pretty easily.

          1. Parenthetically*

            I’ve done Bon Appetit’s Thai beef and basil and it’s INCREDIBLE — definitely in our regular rotation.

      2. AcademiaNut*

        Make a good, traditional bolognese sauce – I recommend Marcella Hazan’s. A good recipe takes at least six hours to do, but it freezes well and is fantastically delicious.

        Laab/Larb – Thai ground beef salad.

        Make authentic Japanese taco rice (taco meat, served on steamed white short grain rice, and topped with chopped lettuce, tomato, grated cheese and a few Doritos). (an Okinawan dish that was inspired by US military cuisine).

        Kefka kebabs – meat ground with spices, onion, garlic, parsley, mint, formed onto skewers and grilled. Serve with yoghurt and pita.

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      After getting introduced to Smitten Kitchen here, her lamb chops with olive tapenade. Quick to make, tastes fancy. In summer, we were big fans of her pasta with corn, bacon, and basil.

      Fresh egg pasta, which I make once every week or two.

      1. Sydney Bristow*

        Oh that reminds me it’s been forever since I made her liege waffles recipe. I tried a ton of recipes and hers was by far the best.

        Her homemade Oreos are great too.

    10. Overeducated*

      I am sick and lazy today, but yesterday I made carrot ginger cream soup and whole grain honey beer bread. I will enjoy the fruits of this labor as leftovers. Next I am going to make Instant Pot chicken vindaloo and Meera Sodha’s roast cauliflower.

      Also have 3/4 of a cabbage and 3/4 of a jar of sauerkraut left from another bout of soup making, so open to ideas there! May just go the traditional route and eat with sausage.

    11. AVP*

      King Cake for King’s Day! I’m going to try David Leibovitz’s recipe with pre-made puff pastry. I have made my own and it just seems…not worth it…when you can find DuFour at the grocery store.

    12. Loopy*

      I have avoided cooking for years, after not being good at it but with tons of new kitchen gadgets this year, I am finding some excitement and optimism! This week I’ll be re-testing tofu with a tofu press and air fryer. I found a General Tso’s Tofu recipe I’m excited about. I hate the mushy texture so I’m hoping to really get it right this time for least/minimal mushiness.

      Any tips appreciated (not to hijack!).

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My father-in-law the retired chef came over… he rolled chicken breasts around chorizo and roasted them as logs, served with mushroom gravy,and side sslad of kalele, lentils, chickpeas & tomatoes with a lemony vinaigrette.
      And he was late so I had to go lap swim AFTER that …I am proud to say I didn’t sink like a stone.

    14. MsChanandlerBong*

      Nothing fancy, but it’s tasty. It’s called “melt in your mouth chicken bake.” Mayonnaise, shredded Parmesan, red pepper flakes, garlic, seasoned salt, and pepper mixed together and spread over chicken thighs. Top with seasoned bread crumbs and bake. I’m serving it with baked potatoes.

    15. Bluebell*

      A chickpea and chard recipe from Ottolenghi’s new cookbook Simple. Definitely worth making again.

  15. Dentist problem*

    My husband and I have the same dentist. I really dislike that she calls me “hon” or “sweetie”. This is definitely not common where we live – in fact it’s actually kind of weird – and the dentist is from this area as well. I feel like this is a way to infantilize women, particularly as she doesn’t refer to my husband as hon/sweetie.

    What is a polite way to correct her when she uses this extremely annoying and unprofessional pet name?

    1. Annie Moose*

      If she’s otherwise nice and this is just a quirk of hers, you could try Alison’s trick of presenting it as a weird preference of yours. E.g. “I just have a thing about sweetie/hon/nicknames, I’m sure you don’t mean anything by it but it just makes me uncomfortable to be called that!”

        1. London Calling*

          I’m not sure I’d be that abrupt to someone with the potential to inflict a lot of pain on me.

        2. Natalie*

          Yes, let’s needlessly antagonize someone who’s going to be putting sharp things in our mouths!

    3. Em*

      “Oh, it’s [name]” and “Oh, i prefer [name]” work well esp if you act like they just accidentally called you the wrong name. If you get pushback you can frame it as a weird personal quirk, like haha I know it’s odd but I prefer [name].

    4. Anonno*

      Based on the way she says it, does it seem more like a quirk or something that’s reflective of her attitude towards women? If it’s the latter, I would consider switching dentists. If it seems harmless, I would make a joke about it and then ask her to stop.

    5. Teeth Grinder*

      Is it possible she has trouble with names? After all, she only sees each patient a couple of times a year. Calling someone entirely the wrong name would be bad, too.
      Personally, I have many ways to cover for not remembering someone’s name that do not involve condescending pseudo-endearments.

  16. PhyllisB*

    I am so angry I can’t see straight!! I woke up a couple of days ago and went into the kitchen to make coffee, and what do I find on the counter? A marijuana pipe. It belongs to my 33 year old son. Now before y’all start telling me to chill out, that marijuana is not that big a deal, here’s the whole story. 1. My son has addiction issues. His drug of choice is Xanax, but basically he’s a pill head who will take anything, and smoking pot is just a side issue. 2. He was charged with felony drug possession when he was caught with 200 morphine bills and faced 15 years in prison. The judge allowed him to go to drug court, and it took him five years to complete, but he did it, and now his record is clean. I have shared some of this in the past. I do not want him to go down this road again; we spent too much time and money and heartache to help him, and I don’t know if I have it in me to do this again. 3. Pot is still illegal in our state. And 4. We have a 12 year old grandson living with us who thinks his uncle hung the moon.
    I reamed his ass good and told him if he wants to live his life like that, he can just find somewhere else to live. That I was not going to watch him destroy himself like this, and I didn’t want grandson to be influenced by this. He apologized, and has been avoiding me like the plague since.
    Now here’s my issue: my husband will not back me up on this (making him leave.) He’ll rant and cuss at me about it, and threaten to throw him out, call the sheriff, ect. but when I tell him to confront son and tell HIM these things instead of telling me, he…doesn’t. I don’t know where to go from here. Any advice?

    1. Annie Moose*

      You and your husband need to get on the same page on this, but unfortunately I don’t have a lot of advice for how to do that! But I agree that unless he’s backing you up, it’s not going to mean anything. I’m sorry you have to deal with this and hope it works out in the end. :(

      1. Mmmm, chocolate!*

        My parents had this situation when I was in college with my either, who was 17. They couldn’t get on the same page re: how to deal with my brother & his addictions/many issues. Ultimately my dad moved out with my brother to a hotel for 3 months, my mom filed for divorce, my mom then moved into an apt while dad and brother moved back into the house, House was eventually sold.

        Fast forward 12 years and brother and dad live in a 3-family house my dad owns, brother maintains and pays below market and they have a tenant in the 3rd unit. Brother had 2 DUIs including a nasty accident where he hurt no one else but was badly injured and 4 weeks of jail time about 7 years ago (had pot in the car during one DUI); he’s been a “safe” user of alcohol since then and MJ is now legal to smoke, so the question is really the extent to which his alcohol and marijuana use is impacting others, which is minimally. He has a job (bartender & mechanic assistant type thing).

        Idk, it’s hard. I don’t think my dad is helping him, but I know my mom’s approach was stupid too. Brother is the youngest, so there weren’t Littles around to influence. It absolutely ruined my parents’ marriage though. I’d encourage you and your husband to do some counseling together ASAP.

    2. Reba*

      That’s tough. I know you’re going through a lot of family stuff. I would say research the eviction procedures and landlord/tenant laws in your area just to prepare yourself to act.

    3. Namey McNameface*

      That’s really tough. I’m sorry you’re in the situation.

      Do you know why your husband can’t implement tough love? Is it because he feels guilty about kicking out your son? Does he worry your son will not cope/end up homeless and destitute? Does he have difficulty enforcing boundaries in general? If you could better understand the reasons behind your husband’s reluctance perhaps you could address these.

      If it’s not possible to get your husband on the same page, can you go ahead and enforce your house rules without his agreement? Your son is 33, not 13. So it seems perfectly reasonable to say “Your dad might be willing to keep you at home but I’m not; since you don’t have both of our permission to stay in our home you have to leave in X days.” But that might be hard if your husband blatantly takes your son’s side.

    4. fposte*

      Wow, that’s tough; I’m sorry.

      Question–why can’t you throw him out yourself rather than trying to get your reluctant husband to do it? I understand the not-being-on-the-same-page problem if he’ll just let him in again, but it sounds like the issue here isn’t that.

      Another question–what do you think led your son to leave the pipe out? Is he generally this careless, is this a sign that he was sufficiently stoned not to pull it together, is he angry with you guys, or is there something else going on? It seems a pretty obvious thing to avoid, so I’m wondering why he didn’t manage that.

    5. LGC*

      So…your husband is making you out to be the bad guy? That’s how I’m reading it. It seems like you guys agree, it’s just that he’s not willing to confront him on it – so it ends up being on you to tell your son to get his act together. Which is REALLY unfair to you!

      But I’d say if you’re going to evict him (which you’re justified in!), do it in a calmer moment. Just because I think it might go over better if it’s not a huge screaming match. (It won’t go over well regardless, but it might go over less badly.)

    6. Traffic_Spiral*

      Well, for one thing, I’d refuse to listen to any more ranting about it. I’d get real broken record, “if you’re not going to do anything about it, I’m not interested in hearing you talk about it.”

    7. Kathenus*

      As most others have said, this really sucks to be in this position – both from your son and husband. If you can get your husband on board somehow, that’s obviously best and easiest for you. Maybe sit down with your husband and try to have a calm discussion about your son and boundaries. See if you can find some areas of agreement, and maybe then see if you can do a written ‘house rules’ type thing you both agree on. If your husband doesn’t have to be the bad guy in the moment, maybe he’ll be more supportive? Still not fair if you need to be the one out front presenting it, but presenting a joint written document from you both is at least better than being on an island by yourself. But if you and your husband can’t come to agreement I also agree with others that you should hold your ground, it’s your house too, and you’re protecting your grandson. I say this as a person with a brother who has addiction issues, the only time we had real success was when we finally imposed consequences on him instead of individuals enabling him.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Tell your husband that the two of you have no choice. Tell him that someone could raise a stink about an underage person (grandson) living with three adults, one who faced felony charges for drugs and is STILL doing drugs.
      Having that child in the house is a big game changer. I am not a lawyer but I would not want to risk being on charges MYSELF for allowing another adult to expose a child in my custody to drugs of any sort. Yes, I understand it’s pot. But until the law is changed, it’s against the law. Courts give people a second chance. But they are not as easy going on subsequent problems.

      A while ago, a friend reported the adult child of another one of my friends for X. She had no choice but to report X. If anyone investigated and found out she knew X was going on and did nothing, she herself could have faced charges. I am with you on this one. You may have to go it alone without your husband’s backing. I am so sorry, it sucks when the spouse does not back us up.

    9. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Marriage counseling. Seriously. and very possibly individual therapy for you and your husband. You may also find value in the al-anon for drugs, I always forget what it’s called.

      1. A different anonymous today*

        +1 on the Al-Anon. Changed user name for this. I’m in a women’s only group, and there are a some wives but many mothers / grandmothers (raising kids). REALLY helpful. And we have pretty much everything (alcohol, drugs, gambling…) as the “qualifier” because the addictive behaviors are so similar and the responses of the enabler (just speaking for myself here) appears to be comparable regardless of the addiction.

    10. PhyllisB*

      Thank you for all the replies. Instead of responding one by one, I’m going to try to address it all in one message. If I forgot something, by all means ask me again, and if any new questions with different asks I will address that, too. Okay, here goes:
      1. My husband has a hard time enforcing any consequences on him because he lost his elder son by his first marriage because his ex-wife was so bitter that she managed to turn him completely away from us. Of course, there’s a bit more to the story, but this is the bottom line. He doesn’t want to lose this one.
      2. I don’t mind being the bad guy, I did it when he went to rehab. He went to jail for a month, so while he was in I made arrangements to have him admitted. Hubby didn’t want to do it. He didn’t want to do it, saying he got his “rehab in jail.” Wouldn’t pay for it. So my mother offered to pay half, and I went to my church for a loan from the benevolence fund. Since he was over 21 and unemployed he was eligible for a reduced rate. When he saw me do all that, he agreed to pay it. I am the one who picked him up from jail and took him straight to the rehab facility.
      3. Counseling would probably be a good idea, but with the way we work it would be extremely hard to accomplish. Plus I know husband will say I’m the one with the problem not him. I will keep it in mind.
      4. Yes, I know if I could force him to leave, that my husband would probably let him come back. See #1.
      5. I have considered the legal ramifications of him doing this with a minor child in the house. And I fear he’s hiding other stuff, too.
      6. They have Al anon in this area, but not the drug equivalent. (They do have NA but you have to be an addict to go to those meetings.) Al anon does not like to hear about drug issues, only issues dealing with alcohol. AA is the same way. My daughter was also a drug addict and when she would try to address her issues, they would not let her say she was a drug addict. She had to say she was an alcoholic. I know this for a fact because I was allowed to go with her to some meetings that were open and they would say upfront this was not a forum for junkies, only for alcoholics. This was not here, this was in another state. The half way house she was in would not allow them to attend NA meetings, only AA meetings.
      I don’t know if I have addressed everything, forgot to make notes, but will come back if I missed anything. Thanks to all of you for trying to help.

      1. Jersey's mom*

        Wow, I am so sorry that all this is happening to you. Zen hugs, if you want them.

        It sounds like you’ve already started parcing this behemoth problem into individual chunks to try to work through them.

        I’d suggest that you go to Captain Awkward blog. Think you may be ablessed to find scripts to help you talk with each person. And to find a “team you” that will support you and your decisions.

        I’m concerned about grandson. At that age they see and hear everything (unless related to a chore). I think you should consider the likelihood that he knows something about what’s going on. And kids talk. And get overheard by other parents, teachers,etc. This is not intended to make you panic, but to recognize that you may have a much shorter time line on taking action (before someone from the outside takes over).

        Best of luck to you. I hope things go better this time round.

      2. Natalie*

        Plus I know husband will say I’m the one with the problem not him.

        Just a couple comments about this and couples counseling – my husband was super reluctant to do counseling, and for pretty valid reasons (therapeutic abuse in his past). Of course that didn’t help the dumb, important but pointless fights we kept having. So we discussed it less as a “therapist” and more as a referee for these conversations.

        Within the therapists office, whatever your husband says the couples counselor isn’t going to be talking about who has the problem. They don’t generally decide that one person is right and and one is wrong.

        I really can’t recommend it enough. When you find yourself having the same fight over and over, it’s obviously not helping anything except your winter stores of anger and resentment. Those are hard to discharge and absolute relationship killers.

      3. Isotopes*

        AA may be more strict, but Al-Anon meetings really vary. At the one I attend now, they actually talk about how the steps and principles tend to be similar for most kinds of addiction, and everyone is totally fine talking about addictions other than alcohol. My “alcoholic” is also a drug addict. Particularly because Al-Anon is not about the addict, but about the people who are impacted by the alcoholic’s behaviour, there’s really a variety in groups. And for me, generally when I’m talking about my own situation, I find that I don’t even need to mention whether it’s an alcohol thing or a drug thing, because it’s MY reactions and MY behaviour that I’m trying to address, not the addict’s.

        My suggestion would be to try one meeting. You don’t even have to share anything your first meeting. You can just give your name, say “I’m not ready to share, but I’m grateful to be able to listen.” Any decent group isn’t going to have an issue with that. You can get a feel for the group, maybe even talk to someone after.

        Remember that these groups are all attended and maintained by people who are working the program. There are guidelines for the meetings, but individual groups can be SO different from one another. Try not to judge the whole program based on one group. You may not find use in the program, not everyone does, but I would recommend that you give it another try. The first “-Anon” group I ever attended, I didn’t find useful at all, and it really skewed my perception of these types of programs. The only reason I tried another group was because I didn’t know what else to do. And I am so thankful that I found the group I have now. I go every week and I don’t know what I’d do without it.

    11. Prof_Murph*

      Get to an Al-Anon meeting stat. Not all meetings are the same – it is generally recommended that you try at least 6 different meetings (if available in your area) before deciding if it’s for you. Some meetings may have stricter ‘rules’ than others and some are perfectly fine if you refer to an addict (rather than an alcoholic). The program’s aim to help family and friends who have a problem with someone else’s drinking, whether that person is drinking or not. Chances are, even if you’re going because of your son, you have other people in your life (family, friends, co-workers) whose drinking may bother you (but you don’t have to discuss those relationships etc if that’s not what’s troubling you today).

      1. A different anonymous today*

        +1… I posted about my women’s group above. They really do accept any qualifying person, and some qualifiers did drugs, now drink, drank now gamble… the addictions may transfer but the principles remain the same. Our group is less rigid… but I’m in a metro area where there are many choices. I didn’t think my scenario fit (gambling, former pain med addict) but it completely fit for me as the co-dependent. YMMV.

  17. Art3mis*

    I’ve been meaning to post this for weeks! The Sunday before Halloween my husband and I found a kitten in our neighbor’s backyard. We tried to find where he belonged as he was too young to be on his own and but old enough that had he been feral, he would not have been so friendly. He had no microchip and we found out that he was likely abandoned by a person in a neighboring subdivision. So we decided to keep him! He’s about 6 months old now and cute as a button. He loves to play and play and play and annoy our older cat. They get along OK, I think they’ll do better when he’s a little older. Oh and we named him Fergus! I completely wasn’t thinking of the stand in name we use here, I’m just an Outlander and Supernatural fan and it seemed to fit him. But given his name and that he’s a cat, I thought the AAM community would appreciate him. :) Here’s a picture:
    https://photos.app.goo.gl/xFZqSccMtwGsrYac7

    1. fposte*

      What an adorable face! Now I’ll feel bad maligning Fergus in future–though of course being a cat would explain a lot of Fergus’s maladaptive work behavior.

    3. cat socks*

      What a cutie pie! So glad you were able to give him a home. All four of my cats are were unplanned like that too.

    4. Laika*

      Cuuuute! Fergus looks so regal here. And can I just say – six month old kittens are ridiculous! I’d adopted adult cats for most of my life and was so not prepared for the energy levels of our younger cat. She finds the weirdest things entertaining and *everything* is a toy.

      1. Art3mis*

        You are not kidding. I haven’t had a kitten in about 20 years. He only slows down to sleep or eat.

    5. Kms1025*

      He’s adorable and as soon as you mentioned Supernatural I kept hearing the witch pronounce Fergus as Fairgus :)

  18. Comms Girl*

    I have a very excited cat running around the house right now, as we just came back from an important shopping trip to IKEA. The whole house, full of boxes and cardboard pieces and whatnot, is pretty much her playground right now :)

    (On the other hand, my boyfriend has now reached the stage where one yells at wooden blocks, metal parts and screws/bolts/etc…. 3 more pieces of furniture to build. Yay! )

    1. Kathenus*

      Google ’50 box cat maze’ and you’ll see a great YouTube video of someone who bought – yes 50 boxes – and filled the living room with them for his cats.

    2. cat socks*

      Sounds like kitty heaven! My giant, floofy house panther always likes to squeeze himself into the smallest box possible.

      Good luck with the furniture building!

    3. Dr. Doll*

      I felt very proud of myself for going to IKEA on Friday evening and coming out with only the one item I went in for. :-)

      Good luck with the build!

  19. Bekx*

    So my fiancé and I moved to a new city this past year and we don’t really know anyone. We went to a few trivia nights and met a nice couple a few years younger than us.

    They invited us for drinks one night, and then immediately invited us to their friendsgiving party with 30 other people since we didn’t have any other friends. It was nice but… Super generous. At first I thought that perhaps they were just being friendly since moving to a new town sucks, but fiancé pointed out that they have lived in this city their entire lives.

    A few weeks later they invited us to board game night at their friends house. Again, 30 people and we had to bring a snack. We sort of made some jokes to each other about how friendly and what an effort they were putting in to hang out with us. I can’t explain it but it was way too friendly. We joked about accidentally getting invited to a swinger party.

    We went to board game night and brought our guacamole. Everyone was super friendly. The host was always making sure we had people to talk to, and was always including us. The hostess raved about our guac.

    There were some odd things at this party… Like everyone was young-mid 20s and they were drinking, but only things like bud light and only one beer or two. Fiancé brought a craft IPA and had three beers and he felt out of place. Then there were the random elderly people there. Like one man in his 60s and one woman in her 50s. Then there was a girl who came over, was the life of the party and then crawled under a blanket on the couch and fell asleep. They were breaking off into smaller groups and one woman seemed to be getting consoled by three other members. Nothing too weird, but we noticed it. Like I said, host and hostess and the couple that invited us were super friendly and nice. We had a good time and would go again.

    The next day I thanked the woman who invited us and she immediately invited me to a white elephant exchange at her Bible study. It’s not my thing, and I told her that.

    A few months ago, when we first moved here, I read about a cult stronghold in our new city. I had a weird feeling and looked her up on Facebook and sure enough, they are part of this cult! The host and hostess are high ranking members of this cult! They were trying to recruit us.

    It makes a lot more sense now. They were really surprised at our ages (30s) because this cult targets high school and college students primarily. It’s the kind that makes you sign a covenant, move in with them, install anti-porn software on your devices, forces you to cut all contact with outsiders and arranges marriages inside the cult. If you leave then all your friends are gone. They love bomb you and tell you how amazing you are. And apparently how your guac is the best they’ve ever had hahaha.

    It’s crazy. They were so subtle about it. Fiancé and I are pretty skeptical, but we did not at all expect this at first. We have to be careful who we tell in this city because it’s pretty popular here. There’s support groups for getting out of the cult and a website with stories about people committing suicide there. We have a fun story to tell at parties now, but what are the chances!

    We’re a bit hesitant now to meet new people after this. Both of us are pretty extraverted, but this definitely was an experience!

      1. Bekx*

        They tend to brigade so I don’t want to bring any of that here by naming them directly. But it’s in the capital of the ‘state shaped like a heart’ if that helps you find out the info.

        Fiancé told his boss at work about it and she was telling a coworker (not using his name) and I guess he’s a member of this ‘church’! He was like oh no they aren’t a cult at all.

        It’s seriously everywhere!

        1. No Green No Haze*

          Well that was a super interesting thing I just learned about. !!! Thanks for the tip! They seem suuuuuuper culty.

    2. Wulfgar*

      You will meet great (normal and sincere) new people. This will be a great story to tell them while you all drink many craft beers.

    3. Annie Moose*

      Whoa! You dodged a bullet there. I was reading along and was like, wow these people are so friendly… REALLY friendly… uhhhhh… wait a minute…

      Best of luck finding other, better, less cultish friends!!

      1. Bekx*

        Thanks! That was our thoughts exactly! Every person we’ve told this story to thought it was going to be an unexpected swinger party. The cult part was a hit at our holiday gatherings!

        1. Sabina*

          Hey, it could have been worse. They could have been trying to recruit you into selling Amway. Thank god it was only a creepy religious cult!

          3. Jennifer Juniper*

            Amway is also a creepy religious cult. I once tutored someone who tried to recruit me for Amway. They’re a Christian right/Republican group. I count them as a cult because they don’t tell you up front.

          4. LGC*

            I mean, they could have combined the two and tried to recruit them into selling self-help courses and eventually pull them into a misogynistic Master/slave sex cult where you get branded with the initials of the cult founder and a former television actress as part of your initiation.

            But that would be insane.

      1. Bekx*

        It is though! We’re laughing now, after some distance. Fiancé was really paranoid for a few days about being targeted.

    5. Roja*

      Whoa, that is some story!! I’m so glad you guys didn’t fall for it and didn’t get sucked in. Hopefully you can meet some normal people from here on out!

      I’m also a little worried, since inviting new people to a party or game night is something hubby and I would do, just genuinely trying to be nice. Is it really that weird?

      1. Bekx*

        No! Not at all! It was how frequently and persistently they were inviting us out that was weird. Especially since they were nice but we didn’t have that much in common.

      2. DCR*

        Yeah, I had the same response that the invites didn’t seem weird. If I’m trying to become friends with new people, I invite them to stuff I’m doing with existing friends like a party or game night or Friendsgiving. I find it easier and less weird to spend time with new people at group events then to hang out one on one. I’m not sure why that part is weird

        1. Bekx*

          It’s hard to explain. It just felt off. Like we had only hung out with them once and it was fine but we didn’t exactly click or become super good friends in one night of drinks. Then they are suddenly inviting us to multiple things in quick succession. It just felt aggressive.

          1. Someone Else*

            FWIW, before the end of your first paragraph I guessed this was going to end up being some sort of religious recruitment.

    6. Temperance*

      Before I got to the part about the cult, I was going to assume that they were trying to fellowship you, lol. This is the kind of thing that the church I attended as a kid/teen encouraged us to do. Basically, people who were looking for friends/contacts/are new in a city are easier to bring into the fold. Sad though.

    7. Lilysparrow*

      Wild! I once had a borderline-cultish religious group try to recruit me. I say borderline because there wasn’t the communal-living or coercive shunning aspects, but they were theologically extreme, socially silo’ed, and recruited in a covert/manipulative way.

      I was wary of the initial approach because it did seem abnormal from the get-go, but I was young, single, & footloose at the time and basically was just curious to find out what was going on.

      Mine just turned out to be a rather dull party with people nervously trying to steer the conversation into scripted channels.

      I wouldn’t worry too much about meeting other new people. It sounds like you have a very good sense of judgment and know what sorts of things you are & are not comfortable with. You pegged the situation right away as strange, and had no trouble extricating yourself. I think you are a low-risk “target.”

      It sounded pretty normal until you got to the gal going to sleep and the odd whispered interventions.

      Best of luck as you acquire a new social circle!

    8. Meh*

      Wow! Add a few explosions and you’ve got the plot of a thriller right there. But glad you saw through them. Trusting your gut is always a good move. And as the saying goes, “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you!”

    9. MissDisplaced*

      Oh Jeez! How weird.
      My husband always swears by finding new friends by going to the local pub or bar. I mean, sometimes that can take finding the right place though.

    10. Elizabeth West*

      When you said “There were some odd things at this party…” and elaborated, I got suspicious, and then when you said “she immediately invited me to a white elephant exchange at her Bible study” I thought it was going to be uber-religious people, but not an actual cult! 0_0

      I think I just found what it is and now I’m going to read about it–weird religious psychology fascinates me. I mean, I live in the general area where the megachurch pastor said yoga was full of demons (that one’s a church, not a cult, but come on). Also this is so strange because we were just talking about that today.

      So glad you didn’t get sucked in!

      1. Look Out Below*

        I’m totally going to tell my roommate who loves yoga that it is full of demons. That will give her a laugh!

      2. Maggie*

        If you want a good time there is “Christian yoga” – poses are renamed and you’re supposed to focus on scripture during the poses. Like corpse pose is called sleeping pose.

    11. Common Welsh Green*

      When you have a free night, you might enjoy the 1999 movie Arlington Road with Tim Robbins and Jeff Bridges. Part of the action may seem awfully familiar to you!

    12. Anonno*

      I had a similar experience with an organization reputed to be a cult recently. They seemed to be targeting people in their teens and early twenties who were involved in certain subcultures. It was similar in that at face value, things were close to normal, but something felt off, a lot of little things were weird, and I just got a creepy vibe from them. This one is not Christian; they’re affiliated with a different religious category. So it’s not the same group.

      But it got me thinking. Growing up, I had some relatives who were in a cult-ish group. We visited them at their headquarters multiple times. A relative of my generation is now involved in another cult-ish group. It’s as if cult membership runs in families and people pick up on that when trying to recruit people? Maybe not, but it made me wonder, like people could sense that my relative and I were around a cult-ish group while growing up.

  20. Mercurial*

    I could really use some book recommendations. I am a massive fan of Sir Terry of Pratchett and really really miss his books :( That blend of humour, characters and storyline I have not really found anywhere else yet! (I do like Douglas Adams and Tom Holt but Sir T reigns. Anyone recommend anything similar? Thanks!

    1. misspiggy*

      I love the Rivers of London books, which I found out about on this very site. Not as fantastical or silly as Sir Terry, but still fantasy of a kind, humorous and very satisfying.

      1. Buzzbattlecat*

        YES! Sir Terry is my first love too, but I adore the Rivers of London series.
        The Author, Ben Aaronovich, gives lots of little tributes and subtle references throughout the books, and a lovely dedication at the start of Foxglove Summer.

    3. Milvus milvus*

      Ursula Vernon (writes as T Kingfisher) has a similar blend of whimsical, realistic and kind, although a bit lighter on the humour.

    5. sourgold*

      It’s not the same kind of humour as PTerry, but Connie Willis’ comedies are wonderful. Check out To Say Nothing of the Dog for time travel/screwball comedy in the 19th century shenanigans, or Bellwether for chaos theory and 90s nostalgia! (And, now that I think of it, an amazing portayal of a deeply dysfunctional workplace … )

      (Do not, however, read Passage or Doomsday Book if you want a fun read. They’re fantastic books, but very heavy and occasionally tragic ones.)

    6. Penguin*

      Seconding Ursula Vernon’s books! Seanan McGuire creates a similar atmosphere with her own unique twists. John Scalzi (whose humor includes a heavy dose of snark which I love but may not be for everyone) is also excellent. And if you enjoy irony and puns, try Spider Robinson.

      1. SignalLost*

        I just INHALED the October Daye series (as in, 12 books in 12 days). I liked the first couple of InCryptid books but dropped the series, and Every Heart A Doorway did zippity-doo-dah for me, so I was surprised at how much I liked the Daye books. But also kind of dumb, because I bought the first one (the libraries were Not Convenient) so I guess it’s good I liked them.

    7. bkanon*

      Jodi Taylor’s series, The Chronicles of St Marys, is in the same vein. Humor, great characters. They are based around an academic institution that observes historical events from a first-hand perspective. (Don’t call it time-travel! they say.) 9 books plus several short stories, and they are quick reads.

    8. Aealias*

      No-one is LIKE Pritchett, and those who try and fail kind of hurt me.

      I enjoy Stuart McLean in a similar way – kind approach to humanity’s foibles, very funny and quite poignant by turns. They are short stories and not fantasy, but you might like them.

      If you’re a big fan of early, madcap Pratchett, you might enjoy Alexei Panshin’s comic work. It’s full of in-text asides and reads like there might have been drugs involved, but the writing has a similar breezy, silly fun quality.

      1. Mercurial*

        You speak truth there. I’m glad no one is carrying it on. Wouldn’t be the same. Thank you for those!

    9. Ranon*

      Beforelife, Randal Graham – it reminds me of the Truth/ Making Money Pratchetts

      Strange Practice, Vivian Shaw- if you miss the Igors.

      And a strong second for Jasper Fford and John Scalzi.

      1. Mercurial*

        Lovely, thank you! Jasper Fforde definitely getting some weight, he’s come up several times…

    10. ETop*

      Meme by Jack Cusick
      Christopher Moore (just about anything, but I like his earlier stuff better…man, I should like a hipster)

    11. All Stitched Up*

      I second Jasper Fforde for “most similar to Terry Pratchett” author I’ve come across. The Thursday Next series is especially great for literature nerds.

    12. Lilysparrow*

      You might try the Portugese Irregular Verbs series by McCall Smith. It is much less cozy and much more wacky than his mystery series.

    13. MissDisplaced*

      I enjoyed a series called The Invisible Library, and also one called The Derring-Do Club, both had a good humor to the fantasy. I also second the Chronicles of St. Mary’s series.
      If you like more of a humor-Scifi, you might like the Date Night on Union Station (EarthCent Ambassador series).

    14. Jaded*

      Jonathon Stroud – esp the Bartimeaus books – ftw!

      Also, Jasper Fforde’s Road to High Saffron is *amazing*.

      1. Annie Moose*

        I was just thinking of the Bartimaeus books! Very different kind of book (younger audience and it’s more “the adventures of this one guy over a relatively short period of time” than Discworld’s expansive world and time period) but also very funny and snarky with lots of footnotes.

        1. Radical Edward*

          Yes! Bartimaeus! I loved all of those, they were different and really fun to read. I came here to second Christopher Moore, though – if you look him up, I recommend starting with Lamb: the Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal. It made me laugh harder than anything else not by Sir Terry ever has. It still makes me laugh, just thinking about my favourite parts. Then for a post-Christmas treat you can move on to The Stupidest Angel.

          If Biblical comedy is not your cup of tea, then try Fool – it’s equally funny, and Shakespeare-inspired.

          The only other times I have laughed that hard while reading were at certain parts of Aubrey & Maturin novels.

    15. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m going to assume you know Neil Gaiman since they collaborated.
      Humorous sf&f… Try Janet Kagan “Mirabile”. Connie Willis “To Say Nothing of the Dog”. “The Dragon & the George”… Gordon R. Dickson.
      The first of the Piers Anthony Xanth books was worth reading.
      John Morissey’s “Kedrigan” stories, although I don’t know if they’re collected.
      Fritz Lieber “Fafhrd & the Grey Mouser”– not as much humor but similarly satisfying.
      Robert Lyn Asprin “Theives World.”
      If you want to go darker. I’m a huge Garth Nix fan–start with Sabriel.
      Seconding the Eyre Affaire.
      Adding The Last Dragonslayer, also by Jasper Fforde.

    16. dawbs*

      You might try Robert Rankin.
      I don’t adore everything he’s written, but I would say start with my fave, “hollow chocolate bunnies of the apocalypse” (and it’s sequel “the toyminator”

    17. Jen Erik*

      Just adding in P.G. Wodehouse – he makes language dance the way Sir Terry does. Also I’ve a collection of some of Jerome K Jerome’s articles that I downloaded for free – they aren’t stories, but he has that sense of fun. (And if you’re in the UK – because you’ve put the ‘u’ in humour – I think John Finnemore’s Double Acts on Radio 4 are a bit brilliant: they aren’t books, but he does get the humour, character and storyline crammed in to half an hour.)

      But mostly I agree with Aealias – no-one else is Pratchett.

      1. Mercurial*

        Yeah, I’m actually about 20 miles from where he lived! No one is the same, you’re right. But hoping for some good reads all the same :)

    18. Maggie*

      The guy who did codex Alera (literally he was challenged to write about Pokémon + lost Roman legion) and the Dresden files (kind of noir magic series?). A series of unfortunate events also has that dry kind of witty humor, but is def for kids technically. I still found it riveting – it’s a gothic mystery with wit.

  21. Ops manager*

    How does everyone deal with people in your life (coworkers and friends/family) who endlessly diet talk?

    It seems to be the topic these days in my circles and just grates on me. I don’t have an eating disorder or any reason to not want to hear it, it’s just annoying. The diets my people are on I also think are not healthy in my opinion (think juice cleanses). Whenever I go out to dinner with friends it ends up being about what they eat/how the diet is going, and I sit around people at work and it’s also a daily conversation.

    Maybe I don’t have a lot of sympathy because I’ve never had a weight problem, but it turns into like, you eat carbs, carbs are bad. I try to just give my opinion on it quickly and move on. I’m also 30, and I think some people’s metabolism/eating habits catch up with them at this age.

    1. Reba*

      It is such a thing! Whole 30 can jump in a hole!

      I guess I either A) ignore, reminding myself everyone needs hobbies; B) participate in the food conversations in my own way by talking about things I make or new cuisines I’ve tried. I love food and talking about food, but as like, a cultural and sensory thing, not as a series of nutritional components; C) least successful option, try to take the opportunity to correct people’s misconceptions about vegetarianism (my diet) (Beef is not the only source of protein my dudes!).

      1. Rebecca*

        I admit I was intrigued by the Whole 30 concept. My friend who let me stay with her while I was getting divorced did this several times, and she did lose weight. She listened to videos given by the leader of the group, and I overheard things like food items being poisons to your system, and other things like that. I’m not in the camp of “foods are poison” but more “don’t eat a ton of sugar but a reasonable amount is OK”. Insert carbs, dairy, etc. UNLESS of course, you have true food allergies or sensitivities, then you need to do what’s necessary. I just felt like the leader was a little militant in her food descriptions, so decided it’s not for me.

        On the larger discussion, I’m overweight, I always have been, and I do eat a healthy diet and get exercise, but I’m never going to be thin. Long ago I started telling people “thanks, but no thanks” when they talk diet plans.

        1. Reba*

          Yeah, I find that lots of diet talk is emotionally wearing, even though I am happy with my body and health on the whole. And I agree with you that diet talk in general, and especially demonizing certain foods or insisting on certain methods/exercises/whatever can be really insensitive.

          Bodies are not problems to be solved! I really really hope that better science about weight and health trickles down into the general populace sometime.

          I mean, if Whole 30 or whatever works for somebody, I’m happy for them! I just feel like I’m surrounded by constant chatter about it right now (I think the New Year is driving some of this at the moment).

    2. alex b*

      UGH I have to tune out or excuse myself and leave when people are talking about food/diets. Your history with weight/eating notwithstanding, it’s tiresome and useless. Like you, I encounter these conversations constantly, and it makes me misanthropic AF. I have no idea why people enjoy bonding over dietary choices.
      All you can do is try to introduce new things to talk about; if they don’t go for it, then you’re the odd one out and probably just have to extract yourself. I’d way rather be alone than around food-intake talk. And, surely there are other annoyed individuals who don’t want to be subject to that, so maybe try to connect with them!

    3. sourgold*

      Honestly, I do think that incessant diet talk to the exclusion of everything else can be a sign of disordered eating, or at least of a very unhealthy obsession with food. (I say this as someone who’s still in recovery from an eating disorder. I was once that girl who would chatter endlessly about her no-carb diet.)

      Today, whenever someone goes off on that tangent, I am verrrry quick to shut it down. Some arguments: diets are unhealthy, do not work 90% of the time, and can often cause people to gain weight, when they don’t develop eating disorders. They encourage a negative and derogatory view of eating, villainize entire categories of food, and work on the basis of trendy tangents (whole30, keto, paleo, juice cleanses, 2/5 fasting … they’re all fass, peddled by self-made gurus who just want to make big bucks) rather than on a scientific and well-reasoned understanding of how our bodies process food. And they inevitably, when discussed at length in social occasions, lead to ostracism, fat-shaming, and food-shaming.

      It’s all bullshit.

      1. Little bean*

        Ugh agreed. My brother in law is on a different new diet every other month and loves to talk about it. Every gathering he talks about what he can and can’t eat, sometimes gets really picky about which restaurant we go to, or even brings his own foods. No advice to give, I usually just make noncommittal noises and change the subject as soon as is polite.

      2. Texan In Exile*

        I am trying to figure this out with my mom. She has been on a diet as long as I can remember. My husband and I visited her over Christmas and wanted to take her out to eat, but she didn’t want to go because you know, calories.

        Every time I talk to her, she brings up her diet and her weight loss (or gain).

        I don’t want to hear it. I fight with my own weight and don’t need to hear about hers. (Hmmm. Could there be a connection?)

        What I have learned from her is that nobody wants to hear about it. I never talk about it. Ever. (Except in this post because it’s part of the story.)

        What I want to tell her is she is loved and loveable at any weight. And that she does not need to diet. And that I don’t want to hear about her diet. And I just want her to enjoy her life.

        I am trying to figure out if I would feel differently about it if she actually needed to lose weight, but she doesn’t. She looks like your average 75-year-old Midwestern lady – gray perm, glasses, elastic-waist pants, and a little bit plump.

      4. The Other Dawn*

        I hate hearing people talk so much about the newest diets. I don’t come across a ton of it, but I do hear it sometimes. Mostly from my best friend. Like me, she’s had weight problems her whole life. While I finally got sick of the diet roller coaster and went with gastric bypass, she still jumps on every new diet that comes along. I get it–she decided that weight loss surgery isn’t for her and I have no problem with that. Also, it’s hard having a weight problem and every new diet promises fantastic results! no effort! eat whatever you want! But it also frustrates me because I just want to yell “there’s no magic effing bullet! You need to cut calories, eat better, and move.” I have told her that before in a more gentle way, but I definitely get tired of hearing about it. I actually don’t talk to her or anyone else about diet and weight loss unless they ask me. I don’t actually want to talk about it either!

    4. Parenthetically*

      “you eat carbs, carbs are bad”

      “I just eat what I feel like eating, but I don’t like talking about it. Can we seriously talk about anything else besides diets? Seen any good movies/TV shows lately?”

      I think with your friends you can also have a bigger conversation, like, “Hey, I hate how obsessed our culture is with dieting and weight and food-righteousness and carb-policing and Whole 30 and keto and whatever else. PLUS I have a bunch of coworkers who cannot shut up about what they’re eating or not eating. I really need a break from it while we’re hanging out, and I also want you to know that your value isn’t in how ‘clean’ your diet is, whatever TF that means, or how small the space you take up or how well you ‘meet your goals,’ or whatever. I just want to get through an evening with friends without a bunch of conversation implying that what we eat or don’t eat makes us good or bad people.”

    5. All Stitched Up*

      Captain Awkward has some great scripts for shutting down diet talk. I also get really ticked off about it despite not having a “real reason” to be—I think being a person who is empathetic and/or cares about facts is enough, tbh! One of my go-to’s is “I try to stay away from value judgments about food” + TOPIC CHANGE. Or, if I’m feeling brave/have the wherewithal to get into how systemic bias works, I might say something like, “funny story, it turns out most of the health outcomes associated with being “overweight”* may actually be caused by the stress of being ostracized by society for looking “wrong”,” or “in general, weight loss diets don’t improve health outcomes, but reducing stigma about size does,” or “people who are considered overweight face a lot of discrimination and I think glorifying weight loss makes that worse.”

      *Air quotes necessary, IMO. BMI is a) made up with no basis in science, b) meant to be a population measure, not applied to individuals, and c) has like three different mutually exclusive ways to calculate it, so… it’s pretty useless.

    6. The Other Dawn*

      I wouldn’t say I have a lot people in my life that talk about diet, but when I do encounter it I just listen a bit and maybe make a few comments in agreement: “Ugh, I know, it’s so hard!” or whatever. If it’s someone who is always talking about the next best diet (read: fad), then I will sometimes ask questions about the diet, how does it work, why is better than all the other ones, what’s different about it, do you feel like you can sustain this, etc. Obviously I wouldn’t do that with just anyone, typically just a friend or family member.

      “You eat carbs, carbs are bad.” I have a friend who has a degree in physical fitness and nutrition. She eats pretty healthy, works out, etc. and leads a pretty healthy lifestyle overall. She never really had any weight issues, maybe 10 or so pounds over her ideal weight. I am formerly morbidly obese and had weight loss surgery five years ago, so leading a healthy lifestyle is still somewhat new to me even though it’s actually been a few years. She likes to ask me what I do as far as a diet plan. (She doesn’t push advice or anything like that. She just likes talking nutrition.) I tell her that I try to go with high protein, low carbs, where carbs mainly come from vegetables. Last time I talked to her she asked, “So, gluten! What’s up with that, huh?! What are your thoughts about that?” I had no idea what to say. It’s not as if I’ve ever given a single thought to gluten, since I don’t have Celiac or anything like that. I just kind of skipped right over her question. It seems like she thinks I have all these special insights into nutrition because I had weight loss surgery. I’ve encountered that a few times from people, now that I think about it.

      1. Jaz*

        “So, gluten! What’s up with that, huh?!”

        This made me laugh out loud. I actually have celiac disease and field a lot of questions about it, but I’ve never heard quite such an unusual opener…

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I know! It was so weird. Like, “Gluten, amirite?!” I guess she wanted to have a deep conversation about evil gluten, whereas I kind of just eat my food and don’t think about it. There’s no deep thought going into it most of the time!

      2. TryingToReadHere*

        My mom is constantly trying various weight loss and diet things (with little or very temporary results), so I do the “how does it work, why is better than all the other ones, what’s different about it, do you feel like you can sustain this, etc.” discussion with her to see if there’s a reason to try to talk her out of it or to encourage her to research it more before buying/doing it.

        With everyone else I just do vague comments of encouragement or commiseration. Just don’t want to get involved.

    7. t.i.a.s.p.*

      My husband does this. We are both very overweight (I would be considered morbidly obese and he might be as well). He talks A LOT about what diets people are on and how much weight they’ve lost etc. I HATE IT. I have NEVER given any indication that I in anyway ever want to talk about anyone’s diet.

      He started a diet a couple months ago and stuck with it pretty strictly for a month and a half and lost about 40 pounds. Fell off over the holidays and now seems to be going back on. But MY GOD he brought it up with EVERYONE. He couldn’t say two sentences without bringing up – I’m on this diet. I’ve been on it this long. I’ve lost this amount of weight. BAH! I mean, good for him to have lost weight, that’s fantastic and I’m glad for him, but I don’t want to hear about it, and I can’t imagine that every single person we know all wanted to hear about it either.

      I’ve read enough stuff that I know that (1) there’s nothing magical about this diet – any diet he had chosen AND STUCK WITH would be working about the same and (2) long term, most dieting FAILS. I mean, I hope he can keep the weight off for his health, but the odds are against it. And besides all this, the diet he has chosen has him eating a lot of foods that are just plain expensive where we live. He started it when he was away working so he had his own fridge and his own food supply. It was a little pricey. But guess what when you come home and now your multiple teenagers are sharing the food, we can’t afford to keep that stuff in stock.

    8. MatKnifeNinja*

      I have a sib who can’t not comment on food.

      Everything, I mean EVERYTHING is fatty, carby, gross, unhealthy. Evey single restaurant is salty, fatty, carby, unhealthy and promotes death.

      The only thing I haven’t heard him say was gross, fatty, salty, and death inducing is broccoli, cauliflower, and peas. But he puts butter on thoses l…

      His diet isn’t tree bark and berries. He eats lots of crap.

      I don’t care what he does diet wise. I think now those statements have become rote. It is so off putting. All food =fatty, carby, salty, gross.

      This past week I finally snap, and asked “What foods make you happy? I’m tired of hearing how all foods suck.”

      Dieting conversations are BORING.

    9. Jaz*

      I’m sort of lucky in that I’m an anorexic in recovery who has no qualms talking about it when I feel it’s necessary. That means I can cheerfully say, “Diet Talk is against my doctor’s orders! Can we change the subject for a while? Did you hear about (NASA news, recent current event, etc.)?”

      I do try to be sensitive to the group; if it looks like most people in the group are enjoying the conversation, I try to start an aside with whoever looks uninterested, or just leave. But often I see other people looking bored/uncomfortable, even if they’re joining in—maybe because talking about the diet you’re on has become a way to prove your morality in our weird food culture. In those cases, I don’t mind being the weirdo if it means we can move on already.

    10. The Rat Catcher*

      This is really relevant at my workplace too, and I think it’s how we’ve been socialized, unfortunately. “Overweight” people feel compelled to offer their diet as an atonement for the crime of Not Being Skinny; those of “normal” weight (I hate all of these words which is why they are in quotes) do the same because they feel compelled to prove that they are Not Just Naturally Like This, which is somehow also a bad thing. It’s absurd and I just try to change the subject after a minute or two.

  22. Bekx*

    We’re going to Bed Bath and Beyond today to do our wedding registry!

    We going to ask for the staples (bedding, kitchen aid, fancy trash can, cookware) but anything else you’d recommend that we might not think of? Anything you didn’t register for but got and it was amazing?

    We’re also doing crate and barrel later this month.

    1. Reba*

      Congratulations! Only put things you’re actually interested in–take a MariKondo attitude and ask “would I be really excited to receive this thing?” Don’t put something just because it “should” be on there — or because you get a little scanner-gun-happy in BBB ;)

      OTOH, some boring items that I use all the time, wooden spoons for example, I do really enjoy and feel grateful to the giver for! And there is that registry-completion discount.

      Depending on how you cook, opt for the open-stock cookware of pieces you’ll definitely use, over a big set.

      Man, I remember the registry being so stressful for me! Ah! Quite a few of our folks went “off script,” but the gifts were beautiful. My sib registered for furniture (they were moving back from overseas and owned nothing) but indicated gift cards welcome — it was nice that people could see what the gift card would go toward.

    4. Afraid of reporting sexual harassment*

      Do you have pets? Even if you don’t, register for a Bissell Little Green Machine! Lots of different models and they will get ANY stains out of your carpet. It will change your life, I promise!

    5. CAA*

      Put some inexpensive things on your list in addition to the big ticket items, especially if you have friends who might not be able to spend a lot on gifts but will still want to get you something. You can ask for newer or nicer versions of kitchen tools you already have … garlic press, wooden spoons, can opener, pot holders, dish towels, dish rack, mixing bowls.

      1. bkanon*

        Oh yes please. I inevitably end up giving candlesticks because I just can’t afford bigger presents. Small things on a list would be a big help and let me feel more like I’m giving something that’s actually wanted.

      2. ECHM*

        We get more compliments on the double decker dish drainer one of our guests got us. I just looked on BBB’s website and found it called the Home Basics® 2-Tier Dish Drainer.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        We had a keyrack/mail sorter on ours, and I used it for 29 years…would have been using it still if I hadnt gotten damaged in a recent move.

    6. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      If you celebrate any holidays that involve decorations, getting people to buy you ornaments or stockings or whatever can be a good gift. That also leaves room for creativity and different price points.

      We got an ice tea maker which I didn’t register for but I like it. If you are into coffee or tea, a French press is useful – can do tea or make cold brew coffee.

      Those are two off the beaten path suggestions that come to mind.

    7. Bekx*

      Thanks everyone for the suggestions!

      We will definitely have some small things on the list, I’ve been there when shopping. We have a lot of people who will probably do group gifts based on previous weddings, so that’s why we’re putting a few big ticket items on there as well.

    8. cat socks*

      When we moved into a new house, I bought some good quality shelf liner to protect the cabinets.

      Glass storage containers
      Good knives
      Kitchen towels
      Corel – I like that they don’t chip
      Breiville toaster oven

    10. Lcsa99*

      We are dorks, but we had a lot of fun with that scanner gun.

      The things we added that we still love:
      Nice wine rack
      Ice cream maker (can’t tell you how much we love it)
      Really good towels – the expensive, super absorbent, super soft ones that you just can’t justify spending the money on yourself.

      If you add dishes and glassware and silverware and stuff like that, I also recommend printing out a copy and putting it away somewhere safe. We did that and it was soooo helpful when we wanted to replace stuff that had broken or got lost. Stuff like that is discontinued all the time but we found a site that has all sorts of pieces like that and with the print out we had the info we needed to get the matching pieces.

    11. Aphrodite*

      Don’t get caught up in a wedding fantasy where you think that silver-plated cake servers and engraved champagne glasses (and other such nonsense) will be used much. Go for practical. One of those items might be something I use, and that’s the thin white washcloths that come seven or fourteen to a pack for a very reasonable cost. I keep a lot of these for people to use to dry their hands after washing. One use and they are dropped in a trash can reserved for that use only. They take up so little room in the washer that you can have a lot in each bathroom. They prevent people from using your bath towels and are more eco-friendly than paper towels.

    12. Llellayena*

      Speaking as someone who has only purchased from other people’s lists, I love seeing games and hobby items on the lists. It’s nice to have options which show personality and interests more than just dishes and silverware.

      1. The lurker awakes*

        Lurker here. We registered at Big Department Store… and Home Depot. My husband took SO much flack for me registering for a router… but really, I was seriously into This Old House & cabinetry!

      2. Le Sigh*

        My spouse and I registered for (and got) a few great board games and a wireless bluetooth speaker we use when we throw parties (especially cookouts). Also second the tools thing. My dad often does this for people when he attends weddings and people seem to really appreciate it. And I don’t have a lot of space to store tools but the power drill I got has been a pretty helpful addition to my tool box.

        If you like coffee, a good grinder would be a great registry item. I also love my glass pyrex mixing bowls, which come with lids and aren’t super pricey. Great for baking and breakfast prep.

      3. Le Sigh*

        Also, something that I thought was a fun idea (but I didn’t end up doing): a local art gallery had a registry where people could contribute toward a specific piece(s). I don’t quite remember the logistics of how it worked, but — especially if you feel like you have enough household stuff — I think it’s a cool idea.

      4. Radical Edward*

        Yep, agreed (as another frequent purchaser). These days many of my friends/cousins getting married already have most of their necessary household stuff, as they already live in their own places and inherited a lot from their relatives. Most of them actually find themselves getting rid of duplicates when they move in together or get a house. So we’ve gotten used to seeing a lot of DVDs and video games, board games and the like on registries, which can be more fun to buy (I personally love buying towels, tools, and dishes a bit TOO much, but a lot of people I know find it hard to fully relinquish that urge to buy/give something more ‘exciting’). One of my friends and their fiance basically left a wish list at their local comics shop and told us all to go there or call them up and buy something on the list. Some people laughed or rolled their eyes, but everyone did it and the price range was good for all our wallets! I thought it was a genius move as I am an avid book-collector who always has to put off buying books in favor of more necessary things.

        The other thing my friends have done in the past is pick a large piece of new furniture, like a king-sized bed, dining table, or a new mattress, and ask for contributions towards that. It’s something they know they will need and it helps them to afford a better quality thing than they otherwise would be able to buy.

        FWIW, any time I move to a new place the first thing I realize I need (and don’t have) is a fully-stocked toolbox. Including the super tiny screwdriver set for electronics. :)

    13. Extra Vitamins*

      Dish towels are a good inexpensive item. Also, I have the bamboo utensil set (spatula, etc) from Crate and Barrel and use it All The Time. For off-registry item that have worked our well:
      Small wooden wine rack
      Marble countertop paper towel holder
      LED nightlights
      Gardening stuff (trowel, gloves, my friend gave me dirt for my wedding haha)

      1. Le Sigh*

        Oooh, yes, I have the lodge dutch oven! Half the price of Le Creuset and works so well and looks so nice. I also have the Lodge cast iron griddle, which is great on a gas stove.

    15. AVP*

      a Dutch oven and a braising dish – super useful if you like to cook and expensive enough that you might not buy on your own.

      My favorite-favorite gift turned out to be a new set of flatware – it feels so grownup to have a full matching set that we like, instead of a mishmash of various Ikea sets from unknown origins! We also got a wine fridge which I hadn’t registered for but it was a great idea.

      And I wish I had resisted for a decent vacuum cleaner.

    16. Jaz*

      I love my knife sharpener and immersion blender.

      My husband and I also registered for a galaxy projector nightlight and some yarn and board games. Our friends seemed to enjoy seeing options that reflected our personalities.

    17. Loopy*

      You’ve probably gone by now but in case you can still tweak things, I just had my shower and have everything coming in now, so from my perspective:

      Things I will use immediately/often are super exciting. I got a ton of kitchen gadgets that open up a whole new world to me like an instant pot, air fryer, spiralizer, tofu press, etc.

      Things that make a house feel more like home but are also useful. An aunt got us glasses that have his hometown (where we live now) and my family’s home town where I grew up. It feels sentimental but also useful because everyone uses glasses.

      Organize-y things. I just watched a single episode of Marie Kondo and want to tear my whole house apart. I have a tea organizer coming and it’s going to change at lease ONE shelf in my kitchen to start :P

      Things for outside: I got a wreath with our new initial, and a garden flag because I know it’ll make me smile pulling up each day. They are small things but definitely will be seen every day.

    18. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      +1 on really good knives.

      Dinnerware: Just my experience, but I never used my Noritake china. I did get – and use 25 years later (mixing in new colors) my Fiestaware.

      Good stainless: For years, I “kept for good” the really heavy stainless I registered for (I also have grandma’s silver)… and finally just started using it every day. Life is too short. I love it. Wish I had started out using it.

      small – OXO makes a kitchen drain / strainer to fit over a garbage disposal. Silicone with metal rim. You can throw it in the dishwasher to sterilize it, it lets most food particles into the garbage disposal but (key item) – it keeps out the silverware so you aren’t accidentally grinding the edges of spoons etc.

      Super good mattress pad with protection (ie, waterproof, but the kind that doesn’t crackle). You won’t know it’s there… but when the dog got really sick one night, I was so grateful the pad was between her and the expensive mattress. I throw a lesser one over it for more padding.

      +1 on the high quality towels. Finally wearing out the last of the premium ones we got 25 years ago. (and I’m serging the fraying edges and moving them to the dog towel stack). Life changing.

      Cast iron skillet(s) in addition to that dutch oven. Other than my scanpans, the cast iron has been my most dependable and beloved item. Nothing browns and sears like cast iron. (I have a griddle, too, but bought that separately).

      GOOD toaster. (You may not have time to check consumer reports… but maybe the amazon reviews… after the first 15 years, I bought a good one and wish I’d started with it).

      Depending upon your baking/ cooking skills and interests: Airbake cookie sheets, or silicone mats, or … upgrade your college items.

      For family members who were on a fixed budget, I actually just asked them to give me their recommended family favorite recipes on recipe cards… so I got a recipe box. (Scanning them in now, but for a physical shower, and some family members, a paper copy is where you start).

      Have fun… but think about whether you will actually use it. I had been single for quite a while so I used the opportunity to upgrade things I knew I used, to ones I’d use forever. Still using most of them.

    19. Carbovore*

      Things I got and still use to this day (I got married 4 years ago):

      – Dishes and glasses
      – a humidifier
      – a nice throw for the couch
      – set of wooden folding tv trays
      – a mattress topper

      And there were more things I can’t remember at the moment. What was helpful was that my husband and I had lived together for many years before marrying so we had most staples–it was nice to think of the “random” things we wouldn’t bother to buy ourselves but wanted nonetheless.

    21. Seeking Second Childhood*

      If you’re asking for a good knife, consider a diamond stone sharpener– the flat professional kind, not the angled monstrositis hawked in the 70s & 80s.

    22. Snow Drift*

      Put anything you might want to buy on there, even if it’s more expensive than what a guest would pay. After the wedding, the store will let you buy leftover list items at a discount.

      If you’re not comfortable doing that because you’re worried what guests might think, wait on the big ticket stuff and add it right before the wedding. People will probably have stopped checking by then.

    24. MsChanandlerBong*

      The best inexpensive gift we got, and one of the few I still use, was a set of flexible chopping mats. I love them! I think they came four to a pack, so if I cut something on one, I don’t have to stop and wash it–I can just cut the next thing on a fresh mat. And they are flexible, so it’s easy to chop veggies and then make a little funnel with the mat to guide them right into the pot/pan without spilling anything. The KitchenAid mixer is definitely the best extravagant gift we got. I use it once a week, and more often around holidays.

    25. Autumnheart*

      PURE BEECH MODAL SATEEN SHEETS
      Best sheets EVER and only BBBY sells them. They might seem expensive, but they are very long-wearing as long as you launder them properly. I’ve had a set for about 14 years and one that’s getting to about 8-9 years and they’re in very good shape. The trick is to wash on cold/delicate and dry on low. If you wash in hot and dry on high like you would with cotton sheets, it breaks down the fibers very quickly and the sheets develop tears and worn spots.

      They get softer with every wash, they’re like sleeping in a cloud. Warm in the winter and cool in the summer. They don’t pill. They do wrinkle kind of easily, and the fitted sheets tend to ride up on the mattress, but man, every other sheet feels like sandpaper compared to these. You will not be sorry.

  23. EmilyG*

    Since everyone was so kind and cheered me up last week, I wanted to report on the “family organized their holiday outing without me” situation. My oldest cousin seemed to realize what was going on and emailed the morning of the event to suggest that we all get brunch together later (on a date I can’t make, but I guess we’ll do it eventually). I did reiterate to my mother that I was upset by the whole thing and she fell back on the excuses of “but you could have gotten a ticket on Stubhub if you cared that much!” and “it wasn’t that fun anyway.” So I’m not sure we learned or resolved anything there.

    The family backstory is that I am the only family member between the ages of 25 and 65 (I’m in my 40s), and I’m definitely a natural organizer, so I am (surprise) the person who usually organizes things. I could decide not to do so, but I think that would primarily disappoint the oldest family members who weren’t involved in this particular mess.

    Working over the holidays was definitely an added stress that I didn’t need. It’s been a not-great year at a job that I feel pretty locked into due to salary/location/etc. Reading everyone’s comments made me think about the self-care things I was/wasn’t doing or that aren’t that effective. I’m good at exercise, sleep, even getting massages. What I haven’t been great at is spending time with friends (not family members!) and thereby forcing myself to think about things other than work. If I go running after work, I just end up ruminating about it and not leaving it behind, so it sounds healthy (and is in some ways, obviously) but doesn’t actually seem to contribute to reducing stress. Whereas in the past week I’ve been out with friends a few evenings and quickly felt like “those jerks in the office? who?”

    I guess I’m getting pretty far from the original problem, but what I’m realizing is that I fell back on family and childhood friends when I moved to this city a few years ago and never really made the kind of “meet most every week to blow off steam” friends I had in the previous place I lived. The amount better I feel, compared to last week, makes me think this is what to work on so that I don’t get into a state where I can’t let my family being temporarily inconsiderate roll off my back.

    1. Reba*

      “it wasn’t that fun anyway”

      The point, you have missed it. It’s in another state by now.

      I’m glad that the reflection prompted by the situation is doing something good for you.

    3. Tassie Tiger*

      “The amount better I feel, compared to last week, makes me think this is what to work on so that I don’t get into a state where I can’t let my family being temporarily inconsiderate roll off my back.”

      Great reflection and insight!!!

  24. Helpful*

    Any tips on buying a cheap used road bike for a total beginner? How can I be sure it’s a good fit? New cyclist is a woman who wants to try it out so doesn’t want to spend a grand. Budget is $~3-400. Would local bike shops even care?

    1. Alice*

      Yes, a good one will. I loved my first bike shop so much. The first time I went in, they said “we won’t sell you a bike until we see if we can repair what you’ve got.” They repaired my beater and kept it going for two years, and eventually brokered a deal between me and another customer at a very fair price.
      I’ve never found anywhere else quite as good but that was a high bar. Try your local bike shops, ask questions, and make sure you try the bike, not just around the parking lot.

    2. LCL*

      Post on your local subreddit asking about welcoming shops for new cyclists.

      Bike fitting is it’s own internet rabbit hole. Start with Sheldon Brown’s article on saddles and go from there. If you knew your friend’s height that is a starting point.

    3. Ranon*

      My local bike shop spent probably an hour or two of employee time with me all told when I was dipping my toes into buying a bike- talked me through all the options and what the pros and cons might be (this was good to get from two different folks as everyone had their own opinions), let me test ride several bikes for decent lengths of time including having me test a few they were pretty sure I wouldn’t like just so I could see for myself. They’re delightful for maintenance, too- that’s the benefit of buying from somewhere that treats you well in the shopping process, they’ll likely be good later on too.

      1. Natalie*

        I wouldn’t if you’re inexperienced. It takes a fair bit of knowledge of bike back catalogues to know what you’re buying and whether or not it’s a reasonable price. You also want to scrutinize the bike for evidence that it’s been in a crash, which often causes enough structural damage that the bike is no longer safe.

    5. Sparrow*

      I found a bike shop in my city that refurbishes and sells used bikes, and had a very good experience with them. I was able to try out several in their parking lot and they gave me advice about fit, adjustments, and buying a good lock. I was deciding between two, and went with the lighter and more expensive one, which cost $500 including a good-quality lock and helmet, but they had several options in the $300-$400 range and a few true beaters that were even cheaper.
      If you can’t find a bike shop in your area that sells used bikes, you could try Craigslist or FB marketplace. It’s hit and miss but you might get lucky. For fit, look online to find frame sizes that match the rider’s height. When sitting on the seat with the pedal as far down as it can go, the knee should be just barely bent. Remember that you can adjust the seat and often the handlebars. However, there’s a lot of variation that affects fit that’s hard to measure, so the most important part is how comfortable you feel on it. Good luck!

      1. Gerald*

        There was a thread earlier this year about bikes and a lot of responses said just this : start looking at used bike shops. If your area doesn’t have one, I’d suggest you go to a bike shop and ask about used bikes, although in thinking about it $3-400 might be enough to at least ask about new bikes. A well run shop will be honest – I told them what I wanted, and my budget, and they gave me options. You asked if a local shop will care – they should! With mine you might have the opposite problem as not only could they help you out but you could easily get answers to every one of your questions, even if it took an hour. Cyclists here love to talk about it, although they tend to be good enough to let others initiate.

        Fit : try out the bike. That really is the best way. I didn’t realize the difference until I tried one popular brand and I felt like it was impossible to pedal! I had thought all bikes felt the same, and didn’t realise that I was lucky that my first bike was a really good fit for me.

        Road types : I bought a hybrid. It has the style I want (no huddling over curved handlebars) and durability. True road bikes have thin tires which aren’t going to last long on most roads. But do what works for you and maybe ask for explanations on the differences at a shop.

        Price : costs can be lowered by having a heavier bike (steel instead of aluminium), and different gears, brakes, etc. For me, weight is most important as I need to be able to lift it up stairs (and lighter bikes are less work to pedal). I don’t have big hills so it could be 3-speed (or even no gears), and I don’t care about brakes provided they work.

        Please feel free to ask more questions! I only cycle to work on occasion so my knowledge is limited but I will share what I can.

    6. CatCat*

      I’d try Craigslist or Nextdoor. We bought a used bike on there from a bike mechanic who was clearing out his stash of used bikes. So if you can find something like that, that would be a good route.

    7. Occasional Baker*

      A local bike shop we used in the past curates a Used Bike in the spring. This particular shop would certainly discuss new options, discuss sizing, but totally understand if someone chose to delay to see what the sale has.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Our local bike shop sells good secondhand bikes–might be worth asking around about.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Sigh. I got interrupted and don’t even know where that comment was going to go if I hadn’t pressed submit by accident.

    9. Bike lover*

      My husband is a bicycle mechanic who would definitely care. He currently works for the bike shop within a large outdoor corporation but in the past has worked at small local shops and my answer would be the same in both situations. $2-300 is not a lot of money but good bike salespeople care about getting you what you want regardless. They will take time and allow you to take test rides and help adjust to get the right fit. Also, good bike shops of any size will give you a free first tune up- use that! They love to see you back in a couple months to follow up. Don’t be shy- go and have fun.

    10. OyHiOh*

      My first brand new from a bike shop bike was a $200 Raleigh. Accounting for inflation and all, I’d say your friend can certainly find herself an entry level road or hybrid bike in that price range and that yes, definitely, a bike shop will care about her business.

      Without getting into nitty gritty, encourage your friend to look at hybrid models as well as road bikes. Depending on the make and model, a hybrid may be a little more reasonable in cost and feel more stable than a road bike.

  25. Alice*

    Ask a manager Hivemind – what can I do with old perfume? Unopened boxes, still wrapped in cellophane, of expensive perfume. Can I sell it? Should I donate it? Where?
    When I say old – most of it was bought before 2006, the rest before 2015. Does sealed perfume go bad?

    1. Jaid_Diah*

      See link to Perfume.com in my name, but 3-5 years is ok.

      “. This shelf life may be longer if the bottle is unopened and stored properly. Shelf life can also fluctuate according to the quality of the product. Perfumes with a higher concentration of alcohol or water may disappear more quickly through evaporation, for instance.

      One of the most obvious ways to detect a change in a perfume is the fragrance. If a perfume contains vegetable oils, they may become rancid over time. In contrast, essential oils, a popular ingredient in many commercial and natural fragrances, contain no fat, which helps the perfume last longer. As a perfume deteriorates, it may develop a smell like vinegar, or the concentration of the original scent may fade. The color of the perfume may also change, although this depends on the color of the original liquid, the color of the containing bottle, and how the bottle was stored.”

    2. fposte*

      Perfume can deteriorate with age, depending on the ingredients, but light is one of the worst offenders and they were protected from that. The other thing is that if any of those are discontinued or subsequently reformulated versions, people may be interested even if some deterioration has taken place.

      I believe you can still sell sealed bottles of perfume on eBay; be aware that there are a lot of counterfeits so there’s a lot of scrutiny. Some secondhand and thrift stores may take unopened bottles of perfume, too–my Goodwill doesn’t, but I see perfumistas scoring rare bottles at their Goodwills, so it seems like an individual choice.

      Also, I got rid of some open and used perfumes on Freecycle. Always worth a try.

    3. Animal worker*

      Check your local zoo, some of them accept donations of old perfume that are used for scent enrichment for the animals.

      1. Loopy*

        I volunteer at a zoo-like place and yes, this! We use different scents as enrichment and have gotten/used perfumes quite a bit. It’s also nice to have something nice smelling accidentally get on your hands for once :P

    5. foolofgrace*

      There *will* be people on ebay who will want them as is. I once went nuts for every old bottle of White Shoulders, the old stuff — the company changed hands and the formulation changed and I wanted the original. Some of the bottles were 40 years old.

    6. Alice*

      Thanks everyone! I love the zoo idea especially.
      Sorry, WellRed, your favorite is not one of them, otherwise I’d send it to you :)

      1. jolene*

        Any Pucci? Givenchy Extravagance? Body by Victoria? Ralph Lauren Romance? Elizabeth Arden Beyond Paradise for Men? I’ll pay shipping!

    7. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I’ve sold unwanted perfume on eBay. Here in the UK as long as it’s sealed in the original package (and some other rules I can’t remember) you can send it by Royal Mail. I suppose it probably does go off but as long as you mention that it’s been around for a while then people buying it can make their own decisions on whether it’s still good.

  26. She Who Must Not Be Named*

    My SIL is a perfectly lovely person. But I’m sad we don’t have much of a relationship beyond polite small talk.

    She lives in another city but visits regularly. I asked a couple of times if she wanted to have a meal with me and each time she had some reason to not do it. It now feels awkward to ask again.

    When she had her first baby I thought we would bond through shared parenting experience. But her parenting is so…perfect? I once told her I was having a bad day because my kids were having tantrums and wearing me out. Her response was that her kids don’t tantrum and I should be patient with them.

    I would love to have more of a sisterly bond with my SIL. But after nearly a decade she doesn’t seem to have any interest in getting to know me as a person beyond someone her brother is married to. She feels more like a distant cousin than a sister.

    1. fposte*

      That sounds disappointing when you’d hoped for more; I’m sorry.

      That being said, a lot of people aren’t like siblings with their siblings-in-law; the relationship that you do have sounds pretty common to me too, and she may not want any more.

      That also being said, I’m not hearing perfection there. Her response to your statement about having a bad parenting day is pretty darn emotionally tone deaf as well as, I guarantee you, untrue. I’m not sure I’d be rushing to be closer with somebody who shut somebody vulnerable down so hard and condescendingly.

    2. Ops manager*

      I’m like that with my sister in law. The only difference is that she has been around a shorter time and they don’t have kids yet. First off she is 100% full of it if she says her kids don’t tantrum. All children tantrum. She probably has an interesting personal definition of what a tantrum is. I think it was also sort of inconsiderate to tell you to be more patient. Not that is was intentional, it’s just that I imagine you do the best you can.

      I’m not sure if this will be helpful, but why other than that she is family do you want a relationship with her? You guys don’t seem to have much in common, she doesn’t put in effort, and she seems slightly annoying to me (sorry). I know people think family needs to be close, but that isn’t always practical, and she doesn’t seem interested. I would just try and accept the situation for what it is, which i know is difficult, because the situation didn’t live up to your expectations.

    3. Nacho*

      It sounds like she probably doesn’t really want a relationship with you, or see it as a natural next step to being your husband’s sister. As long as she’s not actively being curt with you, I’d just let it go and recognize that not everybody will want to be your friend, even if you want to be theirs.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yep. My husband’s sister got so insistent that we should be bestest buddies that not only did I end up blocking her on Facebook, but he hasn’t talked to her in almost a year.

    4. Rhymes with Mitochondria*

      Honestly I wonder if she is hiding depression/anxiety. Not letting anyone get close enough to see is a bit of a hallmark, and one I have seen play out multiple times in my extended family. Obviously those experiences are coloring my lens here, but it was the first thing that I thought of when I read your post.

      1. Fulana del Tal*

        I’m sorry but you’re definitely projecting here. Not to be to harsh but it read as OP has some unrealistic expectations going in. SIL not wanting to have a sisterly relationship is not wanting to exclude everyone.

    5. Lilo*

      All kids tantrum (or otherwise misbehave). My Dad is a pediatrician and we tantrummed. She may be trying to project “perfect” but that just isn’t realistic. Her comments say way more about her than they do you.

    6. Episkey*

      I have no patience for these people who want to put forth that being a parent is easy/their kids are perfect/they don’t have hard days. Give me a break. My kid’s not even a “high needs” kid but he definitely has his moments.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Offer her a meal with an open ended offer: “I know you are usually pretty busy when you come here, but sometime maybe we could go out for a lunch or brunch together. Give me a call and we will go.”
      This way the ball is in her court. She can call or not. For your own peace of mind, just decide that she probably will not call. And for your further peace of mind you can now stop asking because the ball is in her court.

      My friend has a lovely sister-in-law. It takes a while to see but the SIL is very insecure, very worried about how everything appears to others and she is a brown-noser. If you don’t have something she wants then you don’t exist.
      It takes a while to see this because she presents so well. Like you show here with the put down about your ability to parent, this is what the SIL did, too. And she’d blindside people because it did not fit with the perfect presentation she had. This is all to say, you may not have lost anything here, OP.

      A good plan might be to hold the door open, expect nothing and wait. I mean wait decades. Sometimes life events soften people. Sometimes people get tired of who they are and they change what they are doing.

    8. She Who Must Not Be Named*

      Thanks all. I understand being married to her brother does not mean we are automatic BFF. But it would be nice to be on friendly terms beyond polite small talk, especially after many years of knowing each other as family.

      I don’t think that is likely to happen so meh.

    9. Gerald*

      I think some of my family might wish for better relationships with in-laws (and I wish I was closer to some) but I also know it’s due to being serious introverts. Or being in a relationship with a big introvert. I can’t speak for your family dynamics, but it’s hard to know what motivates people.

    10. The Other Dawn*

      I think the fact that you have polite small talk with her is a good thing. Many people don’t even have that and can barely tolerate their in-laws, they go years without speaking, they’re openly hostile, etc. I think a more close, sisterly relationship is probably the exception and what you have is much more common and there’s nothing wrong with that. Don’t try to force it. She hasn’t yet taken you up on your multiple offers, so I’d just drop it and remain in the polite zone.

      That’s pretty much what I have with my SIL. We make small talk when we see each other at family events, but that’s as far as it goes and I’m fine with that. She seems to be, too. I can’t see myself going places with her or having intimate discussions. There are reasons for that, though, most of which is that she’s 50+, depends on MIL and FIL to financially support and taxi around her and the young adult grandkids, can’t keep a job, and likes to play “who has it the worst in life” during holiday dinners.

    11. kz*

      I don’t have any advice, but I can commiserate as I’m in the same boat with my SIL (my husband’s brother’s wife). “Polite small talk is definitely how I would describe all our interactions, but she’s the same way with everyone on our side of the family. I’ve accepted that we probably won’t ever be close, but it sure would make holidays with that side of the family more pleasant if she were a little more engaged. They just announced they are pregnant for the first time, and we are hoping to start having kids in the next year and a half or so, so this should be an interesting dynamic.

  27. Anon anony*

    Will men bring up their wives or girlfriends if they feel like you are interested in them? I was making conversation with a man at an event and I’m naturally observant, but maybe he thought I was making too much eye contact, and then he just started talking about his wife. I feel bad for possibly making him feel bad, but I wasn’t hitting on him or anything. What gives?

    1. fposte*

      It could be he likes his wife and she comes up in conversation readily. It could be that since he doesn’t wear a wedding ring (I’m guessing, since you didn’t mention it) he habitually brings her up early in any event conversation, especially if he’s there on his own. It could be he thought you were hitting on him because his tremendous ego sees any female conversation as a romantic overture.

      At any rate, I don’t think you made him feel bad, and I wouldn’t feel bad or worry about it anymore.

      1. bunniferous*

        My husband does this. It is a combo of he likes to talk about me and he likes to make sure people know he is unavailable. It does NOT mean he thinks they are hitting on him -he just knows he is clueless to determine when people are just friendly and when they ARE hitting on him. He is also very very friendly and it helps people know HE is not flirting with them, it is just his personality.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Agreeing. When we first married my husband told me he loved being able to say, “my wife”, because it’s like a form of accountability. He said it was a subtle way of saying, “I am not some jerk dude, I am just an average guy with a wife and house.” Because he traveled about so much he ran into all kinds of people. Sometimes he could see women hesitate or act concerned. He felt bad about that and his go-to was to tell a funny story about something he and I did together or whatever. He said that saying he was married did make a difference in some situations.
          He also liked to tell at home stories, anyway.

        2. Marion Ravenwood*

          Sounds like my husband – he’s one of those people that can make friends with a roomful of strangers wherever he goes, but it also means he’s quite oblivious to what’s people trying to be friendly and what’s people flirting with him. So referring to ‘my wife’ is a means both of being personable and telling people he’s not flirting with them, but also heading any flirting from other people off at the pass, so to speak.

    2. sourgold*

      Could be! But the more natural explanation would be that, since his wife is presumably a big part of his life, she’s a frequent topic of conversation for him.

    3. Traffic_Spiral*

      Well, 3 options:
      1. They do a lot of stuff with their wife and so she just comes up in conversation;
      2. He wasn’t sure, and decided to play it safe;
      3. He did think you were flirting.

      Even if it was #3, it’s not a bad thing. People don’t generally take offense at being found attractive – just at having their wishes ignored. So long as you don’t flirt at inappropriate situations or ignore signals to stop, it’s not a big deal.

    4. Anonymous Educator*

      I had a hetero female friend complain about a man not bringing up his girlfriend earlier, since she thought she’d been having a pretty good vibe with him. It’s very possible that he didn’t think you were hitting on him but brought her up just to make sure there were no mixed messages.

      1. Loopy*

        I kind of think this is quite likely. I am quite extroverted and friendly and worry about coming off as flirty unintentionally or giving mixed messages. It worries me and bringing up the S/O is a way to ensure I’m not confusing people!

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        This used to happen to me all the time. I would be out somewhere, start talking to some guy, get a great vibe, then… he would mention his girlfriend. ARGH, made me crazy. I always wished they would bring up their SOs earlier in the conversation, which usually isn’t tough. “So, where do you live?” “My wife and I live in Astoria.” One time, a guy approached me at a party and we ended up talking in a corner for a long time, THEN I found out he was engaged! It was baffling. We actually ended up becoming good friends, but dang, that one was weird.

        Funny story: many years ago, my partner went out with some guys in a kind of college-y area of town. Apparently they met some women in a bar and when one of them needed to go home, my partner offered to walk with her as she was on his way. He later told me their goodbye was kind of weird (I forget the details). I asked him if he had mentioned his girlfriend (meaning me), he said no, it didn’t come up. I told him she probably thought he was going to hook up with her or at least get her number and I chastised him for being so unfair and letting her get her hopes up.

    5. Overeducated*

      It goes both ways. Maybe, but sometimes they also do this to be less threatening themselves (I.e. “I’m married, we can do small talk and you won’t have to worry I’m going to hit on you.”) So no need to worry, it doesn’t reflect poorly on you.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        You beat me to it. And if I like them, I’d much rather they mentioned a significant other so I could switch gears to “Okay this person is taken so we’ll just be friendly” instead of making an ass of myself thinking they’re entertaining mutual interest.

    6. Anonno*

      Some people – men and women – think you might be hitting on them just because you’re talking to them. Some assume that you are indeed hitting on them. It varies by groups of people and their social norms, but it is a thing. Sometimes they’re also just trying to do what their partner would want because some people worry when their SO is talking to someone who they might hypothetically be attracted to. But it’s better than them being in a relationship and intentionally not mentioning it! You can respond by trying to make it obvious that you’re not talking to them for those kinds of reasons.

  28. Indie*

    This one is for teacher-people and those of you who act as on hand tech support for relatives… I’m living with my mother temporarily after the death of my father. I am becoming kind of concerned about leaving her alone as she is somewhat afraid of tech, except that she also loves window shopping online and her new Fitbit.

    Yesterday she wanted to know why her emails to Fitbit were not working after getting an undeliverable message; “Would sharing it on Facebook help? They are telling me to do that a lot.” Somewhat unwisely I let my amusement show when it turned out that Fitbit were just sending her a ‘you go girl’ type of automated message and she had replied with a thank you note complete with emojis.

    So she then reveals she has found an item on Amazon but she says her password isn’t working and hands it over to me in the manner of the helpless, leading me to hand it straight back: “Mum it says ‘forgot password?’ in big red letters – that’s you. Click on that.”
    “Do I want to use the temporary code or reset my password?”
    “I don’t know because I am not you, Mum! Do you want to make the password something easier to remember?”
    “I am never going to remember it though, am I?!”
    “Then just go in with the temporary code”
    “What is that? I don’t know it”
    “It is on the emails that you were just checking a minute ago. Copy and paste it in”
    “I don’t know where my emails are”
    “……..”
    “Oh Indie, just buy it for me on your phone!”
    NO.

    I have to wonder if I am being a bit patronising and teacher-y with her because I know she will never learn if I do it for her. She has been nearly conned twice by doorstep people because she is not confident in looking up people online and finding services that way. I know my brother and sister would just help unreservedly but they are not here all the time.

    1. fposte*

      Is it possible that this isn’t a problem that needs to be solved? If your mother mostly likes to window-shop, it’s not the end of the world if she can’t pull a purchase together, and if she can’t get a message through to donotreply, that’s probably just as well. She’s not answering Nigerian scammers with her bank account number (fortunately), and being conned by bad tradespeople is a problem as old as the hills.

      I also think if her husband died not too long ago she’s probably not in the best learning frame of mind right now, and she might never learn anyway because this really isn’t something she’s comfortable with. So maybe this is about you figuring out what bugs you most here and find what your boundaries are for helping and intervening; maybe you could restrict tech assistance to a day of the week (like Saturday mornings) and that time could include placing an order for her at that point.

      1. Gatomon*

        +1 to mom not being in the best frame of mind. My mother (fairly capable technologically) was really struggling right after dad passed, and I had to help her through a lot of basic stuff she knew like how to text, answer the phone on a smartphone and how to use Google maps. I was worried about leaving her alone as well, but she did recover. It just took her a while. She didn’t really have the bandwidth to deal with stumbling blocks like forgotten passwords or typos, so she would get easily frustrated and give up/toss the device at me.

      2. Indie*

        I do have a suspicion that it is more my problem than hers but her mindset I think might be rather more permanent than that. It’s something that bugged my father; apparently she was in the habit of calling herself stupid.
        Which, I think, is the thing that bugs me. My mum is amazing.
        I might do her a weekly order. On the big telly screen where she can see what I am doing.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          That is what my mum does–“I can’t learn that.” No, you’re really smart; it’s not over your head. If you don’t want to do it, that’s different.

          My mum has health issues that sap her spoons so she doesn’t always have the energy to do stuff, but calling herself too stupid to learn it is bullshit, and I finally had to call her out on it. Once I did, she stopped saying she couldn’t and started saying “I dislike it.” I can accept that.

          Although certain things would be easier for her if she’d just fecking learn it.

          1. Indie*

            All of this! Except my mother is pretty young and able bodied so she has a decent amount of spoons. I think I just have to reframe it as she gets to choose what to spend them on. The fixed mindset as opposed to growth mindset is just annoying for me, probably because of what I do, I think.

        2. Radical Edward*

          If you find yourself repeatedly dealing with the same issues or questions from her, a short FAQ or procedural document might be the sanest short-term solution for you both. One of my network security expert friends actually made SOP-style manuals for their tech-challenged parents; they love using the internet and buying the newest wired gadgets, but are completely clueless about security and any software that isn’t Microsoft Office. The main goal there was to prevent them from inadvertently downloading a virus or locking themselves out of their devices, but it worked. Mostly. If she’s always wanting to use the same website or service, that could be the simplest and most reassuring option for her.

          In our family, my brother is the one in a tech job but I am the one who took the time to teach my mother how to use her computer/social media/smartphone… go figure. XD (I am a teacher, just not of anything to do with computers!) My father is the one who avoids learning how to use new tech – he will even drive to his office to check email so that he doesn’t have to ‘figure out’ the family Mac. Then his boss made him start using a company iPhone (which he had apparently been resisting for several years).

          When my mother found out about this, she indignantly got an iPhone of her own and asked me to show her how to use it. YMMV here, but the important thing for my mother is to understand the basics of the particular device, then to understand the best ways she can try to solve problems / the best places to look for answers. (‘Are you having trouble with an app, or a website?’ ‘I don’t know.’ ‘Okay, what are you looking at on your phone? Or are you using your desktop?’ Etc, etc.) Eventually, this pattern of questioning and instructions from me taught her how to triage her own problems, as she could predict what I would ask or tell her to do next. Now she feels more confident when she has a question, instead of defaulting to ‘I will just ask my children because I don’t even know where to start’. My proudest moment was when she told me recently that she had gone to a reputable tech website and looked up the topic she was having trouble with, then resolved the issue and taught all her friends to do the same thing. This has given her the confidence to monitor the security settings on my dad’s phone and know when to insist that he take it to the shop and get a paid professional to help him untangle something.

          All of this is to say, once your mother is in a better frame of mind, you could try giving her a tutorial session or two. It could even be fun (I hope)! Ask her what she wants to do, then reframe or boil it down to the necessary components/actions and go through the entire experience together. It might need repeating a few times, but if she’s open to it as an interactive learning experience, and feels a sense of accomplishment when she manages to Do The Thing, then eventually it should stick. The weekly order thing sounds like a good place to start. Repetition is key! Good luck, and I hope she feels more positively about it soon.

    2. KR*

      Something that I found helpful was to point out that they would not break whatever tech they’re working on. Obviously with financial stuff you can accidentally buy things but most of it is returnable. Point out to your mother that how you learn Technology is just hitting buttons and seeing what happens. It won’t break, it just might be an adventure fixing it.

      1. Indie*

        This is exactly the message I have been trying to deliver….but perhaps I have not said it very straightforwardly. I think I have to remember that it is easier for me to know that there is no harm in trying than it is for her.

        1. fposte*

          I also think that you can deliver the message just fine and your mom may still stick to her old ways. This is not just about you delivering information to her; her changing is about her, not just about you, and you have no control over that part. It sounds like this also makes you a bit sad–your mom is awesome and you know she could do this, and you think she doesn’t realize this. Maybe telling her that would make you feel better even if she doesn’t change her behavior: “Mom, I understand that maybe this isn’t a priority right now, but I think you’re awesome and are really capable of doing this down the line; I hope you know you’re awesome too.”

          1. Indie*

            I think you’ve summed up my struggle as I dont actually care about what she independently decides to about her tech skills. Agreeing with her when she implies “I can’t do this” feels disrespectful and so does disagreeing with her requests for help. Simply stating my real opinion was too simple to have occurred to me so thanks.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              One additional thought: I dragged the concept of grief brain out into the light of day with my friend. She lost her hubby and NOTHING stuck in her brain. The next day she asked the same thing she did the day before. This is not her.
              Grief turns our brains into colanders. Information goes into our heads and falls out through every opening in the colander.

              So when she says, “I can’t do this”, you can just say, well right now is a little rocky because grief does that to people. It’s too hard to remember stuff. If you do things the same way each time eventually it will stick with you. And over time you will have more brain space for it, just not right in this exact moment.”

              With the older folk, try to keep in mind that they do not talk about computers/tech much. They don’t see other people doing things at the same rate working people see what others are doing.

              Another friend is 70 plus years old. The way she takes on technology is to pick among all the things she sees her daughters doing. She picks activities that she likes and suits her life. For example she saw her daughters holding a phone up to a bar code to comparison price shop. She latched on to that in a heartbeat, “hey I want to learn to do that”. Now she does it all the time.

              I’d suggest putting Team Viewer on her computer and yours. Then she can call you, you can remote in and talk her through stuff. TV is free, seems to work okay as far as I can tell. She might like the fact that you are “in the computer with her”.

            2. Natalie*

              This is a bit parent-y, but what about something like “I don’t think you’re stupid, but it’s okay that you don’t feel like dealing with right now.”

      3. Dreamboat Annie*

        Just tell her not to set up one-click on Amazon. Yes, things can be returned but (at least for me) it is a pain!

    3. TryingToReadHere*

      My mom gets flustered when she’s trying to learn new tech things. I usually talk her through how to do something the first time while she does it herself. I’ll also write out detailed step-by-step instructions with drawings or screenshots for her to refer to later. She likes having instructions to follow so she doesn’t have to worry about remembering every little thing and it makes her worry less about screwing up. (Even if there’s an instruction manual, having custom instructions for whatever is most relevant to her makes it less overwhelming.)

    4. Rebecca*

      I hear you – I’m living with my Mom now (she just turned 83). Dad passed away over a year and a half ago, and my mother has had a Tracfone flip phone for years. She’s never even learned to save a phone number or use the contacts list to make a call, let alone look at a text or send one. She has a handwritten sheet of paper she carefully folds up and keeps with her phone. Email? I gave up on that years ago. Dad, by contrast, had a smart phone, could make and receive calls, take pictures, find the pictures, you get it. He even could send an email, and knew how to use what he called “The Google”.

      Now, I just handle anything techie for her. She won’t learn simple technology things, and I mean won’t, there’s nothing wrong with her mind, as this has been happening for years and she is competent otherwise. It’s just easier and less stressful if I just do it for her.

      1. Indie*

        This makes me feel loads better because she is actually now a master of everything related to texts and WhatsApp, when a couple of years ago she was just refusing to do it and acting like she never could. Her phone is decidedly awful, but so much better than her old flip one and I think is responsible for the change. She is open to tech advice on types of phone and tablet so that might be the way forward….
        I kind of like your mother’s paper list of phone numbers solution!

    5. families!*

      In addition to grief, I think for some people it’s a way of connecting, via making yourself super needy, “stupid” etc. This is how it is with my mother I feel. We live very far away so I started to notice when we visit, she becomes totally incapable of navigating any technology whatsoever; but then she is able to navigate it well enough for her daily life when I’m not around, the vast majority of the time (including ordering things online, recovering her password, figuring out a site to get whatever new x she needs). I try to see it now as this is how she is trying to connect, and it really has helped our interactions.

    6. Been there, done that*

      Condolences on the loss of your father.
      All of what other people have already said, and then some.
      Going along with “grief brain”, another thing to remember is that she probably has recently gone from managing SOME of the bills, maintenance, etc., to managing ALL of it. (Or, even if you’re dealing with some of it, she knows that she’s eventually going to have to take it all on.) That’s scary, and she’s likely a bit overwhelmed. My parents were in the process of moving when my dad passed away, and all of a sudden my mom was responsible for two houses as well as my grandmother’s bills. Managed to convince my brother and SIL to take on Grandma’s stuff, and I focused on helping Mom.
      Most older people do (or should) have a concern that they’re going to be scammed; there have been at least a couple times where I’ve asked mom, “Have you actually typed your credit card number into the phone? No? Then nobody can get it from your phone.” Said with a little bit of a chuckle, it can get the point across. There are some things that it’s probably worth “just doing” for her. Mom likes to shop online as well – but I take care of ordering things from Amazon or other “only online” places, and she’ll call LLBean or Lands End and place those orders over the phone.

      1. Indie*

        Wow this has been such a lightbulb actually, because it is not so much her emotional grief (it has been awhile now and she is very healthy in the way she celebrates him and definitely back to her old speed with the stuff she is good at) but the sucky practical fall out of losing one half of the team. I went from assuming she knew all her bills, to realising she didnt know any, to helping her set a budget to watching her really begin to try with that stuff. Looking at it that way I see it is going to take some time.

        1. Been there, done that*

          We were fortunate in that Mom was always the one who took care of all the bills, but Dad handled home maintenance, cars, yardwork, etc. We help out when we can, but between work and not actually being local (2-3 hours each way), she’s had to find people to do that stuff. Luckily, she has a neighbor (in the new town) who has a good recommendation for everything from tree removal to dentist!
          In terms of bills, lists and calendars are your (and your mom’s) best friend! If she’s tech-savvy at all, an online calendar is a great way to set up what to pay, and when; if not, then a couple months of paper calendars on the fridge can work, copying things from one month to the next. And maybe you can help her set up auto-pay for some of the bills that are consistent. (That’s one I haven’t managed to do with my mom….yet.)

  29. Aly_b*

    Allergy shots – anyone have any experience? I have always had lots of animal allergies and asthma. I’d love to be able to maybe get a dog, and at the very least not sniffling my way through winter would be really nice. I’m in the US and have theoretically very good insurance that I don’t understand (I’m Canadian) that says it will cover the shots if I can figure out where to get them. I’m basically stuck at knowing where to start or if it’s worth the effort. Any advice?

    1. CAA*

      You should talk to an allergist. If your insurance is an HMO, then you probably need to see your primary care provider and get a referral. If it’s a PPO, then you can usually just find an allergist on the list of doctors that’s covered in your plan. There should be a searchable list on the insurance company’s website.

      An allergist will probably not dive right into giving you shots. They need to figure out what you’re allergic to first, so there are tests to be done before they can treat you. Winter is kind of an odd time for allergies to peak, so it may take some investigation to figure that out.

      1. Enough*

        Actually winter was when my children first showed symptoms. House is closed up and dust, etc build up. But it could also be an issue of dehydration as the air will be dry.

    2. Animal worker*

      And as you’re doing, really research whether or not allergy shots or some other method would be enough to be able to have a dog before you get one, so that you don’t have the risk of taking in a dog and then having to rehome it if the allergy control isn’t working well enough. Maybe try whatever type of allergy control is recommended then do a few visits to a local shelter to make sure that you can be around dogs before actually acquiring one?

      1. Aly_b*

        Shelter won’t work because I will always be allergic to cats, which will be nearby… but yes obviously I’m looking into options to make sure I can test things out before we end up with a dog we can’t keep. This lack of certainty is 100% of the reason we haven’t tried getting a dog at this point. Either fostering first or trying a home visit, which some agencies allow, will definitely be a requirement. Please assume I’m being extremely responsible about this.

    3. rubyrose*

      I’ve never had the shots. They were offered to me, but the idea of going in once a week for a very long time put me off. Also, I would have had to readjust my work schedule to make it into the doctors office.

      I was fortunate. My ENT also offered allergy drops. They are liquid and come in a container that dispenses one drop at a time. I take it three times a day. Someone in his office mixes them up, based on the results of my allergy testing. One bottle lasts three months; each bottle increases the strength of the irritant. The problem with the drops is that since they are not FDA approved, insurance will not cover them. The methodology comes from Europe, I believe, and has been proven there to be successful.

      I’ve been taking them for 2.5 years and have another six months to a year. I have noticed a big difference. If this appeals to you, look for an allergist or ENT (ear, nose, throat) doctor that states on their website that they work with complementary therapies.

    4. rubyrose*

      Also, certain breeds (Bichons, Havanese, Coton de Tulear) are known to cause less allergist reactions in humans. Some people will say they are hypoallergenic. I think there are a couple of other breeds in that group. I myself have a Havanese/Terrier mix.

    5. BrilliantMistake*

      Good advice about HMO versus PPO. I have allergies and asthma and get the shots. Others are correct, there is testing first to determine what you’re allergic to. I had one allergy doctor tell me I would have to get rid of my cat, to which I responded, only a little jokingly, that it would be easier to get rid of HIM, which I actually did.

      I have found an allergist who understands that I have cats and will be keeping them, and he has worked with me on that. He did tell me, however, that he has had only one or two patients who he insisted re-home their pets or he could not be their doctor. (He is a pet-lover also, so he understands.)

      Unfortunately for me, my allergies and asthma mean I will need the shots “forever,” whereas it’s usually for a period of 3-5 years and you are finished. We have worked it out that I only go monthly now for my shots, though, so that’s helpful.

      Maybe after you visit the allergist and are ready to explore getting a dog you could foster, with an eye to seeing how your allergies/asthma are with that particular dog, and how you bond with that dog. I do think different animals produce different amounts of allergens, and you can be fine with some and suffer greatly with others, and it’s not even the breed of dog that matters so much.

      Good luck!

    6. Newb*

      In my experience the process of getting to the allergy shots goes like this:
      1. Referral to an allergist from your GP
      2. Schedule a test, generally at your peak allergy time if applicable (I have seasonal allergies, so mine was in May). They’ll tell you to stop taking allergy medicine in advance of the test.
      3. The scratch test (they basically give your entire forearms little scratches with allergen juice).
      4. If that doesn’t work, they’ll send you to get blood drawn for a blood test or give you a poke test (your upper arm gets repeatedly stabbed with small needles), or both.
      5. If your tests produce results, they’ll proceed to the shots. If your tests all come back negative they will decline to give you shots.

    7. StudentA*

      I started allergy shots but had to stop when I lost insurance :( I also have friends who’ve gotten them. I highly recommend them! I, too, got them for pet allergies. Though, of course, I’m allergic to a host of other things, but my priority is my fur babies.

      Going in once a week for a year to ease my allergies is completely worth it for me. I just scheduled one appointment, took the allergy test, and they sent for my shots. I’m super sad I have to pause the treatments and am even sadder I’m currently without insurance at all, but I’m working on that.

      Let me know if you have any specific questions. The place was always full of patients when I went in to get my shots. It seems to be a pretty common, safe, and efficient treatment.

    8. Chaordic One*

      I underwent the procedure and found the shots to be extremely effective for dealing with environmental allergies (pollen and hay fever). Before the shots I had a chronic runny nose or else I was completely stuffed up. However, they were not particularly effective in helping me deal with animal dander or with food allergies.

      At the moment I have a sweet Golden Doodle and I don’t have any allergy problems with him. I used to have a West Highland White Terrier and I didn’t have any problems with him either. (Westies have extremely wirey fur.) However, my nextdoor neighbor has an extremely friendly Australian Shepherd/Lab mix, and when he comes over to me my nose starts running and my eyes start swelling up.

      Even though the shots didn’t help with animal and food allergies I still think they were very much worth the expense (meeting my deductible and co-payments) and inconvenience of visiting the doctor every week.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      When I got pregnant, my dr said he couldn’t increase dosage again until after delivery. I hadn’t been doing them long so it seemed an extravagant waste of time & money so I stopped treatment. I do think I had some permanent improvement though…summer has never been quite as hideous since then.

    10. Dreamboat Annie*

      I am so glad I got allergy shots. I did “rush protocol”, in which you take drugs for 3 days to get your body ready, then you get shot up every half hour with increasing dosages. You still have to do shots for a year or 2, but it was worth it to me.

      I was getting lung infections every 4 months for a year and a half before the shots. I haven’t had one since then.

    11. Radical Edward*

      First – if you haven’t had a full allergy test workup, definitely do that. It might not show you anything you didn’t already know but it’s extremely useful to have on file, and can show the degree to which you’re more allergic to some things than others. Additionally, if your asthma is allergy-triggered, it might be a very different beast from the asthma that most people imagine when they hear the word.

      One of my best friends growing up loved animals, but was far more allergic to dogs than I was – we had a small terrier which was fine for my allergies as they don’t shed much, but she would break out in hives if she got anywhere near a dog of any sort. She couldn’t even come to my house unless we stayed outside or in the basement. When she got her first job with good health insurance, she immediately looked into allergy shots and worked out a plan with her allergist. Now she and her husband have three giant dogs and foster rescues, too.

      I got allergy shots for several years when I was a teenager/in my early 20s, and they REALLY helped me. I used to get sick like clockwork every three to four months (pollen, yay) and that totally stopped. I had to quit the shots when I graduated and lost my fantastic health insurance, but I wish I’d been able to continue them; there was still progress to be made. Now I just take Claritin every day without fail, and it stops minor allergic reactions (visiting a friend with a pet bird, for example) automatically becoming full-blown sinus infections from hell.

      All of my allergies are environmental (not medical or food-related) and while I am allergic to animal dander, I grew up in a house with dogs and cats. It’s pollen, dust, and mold that send me into asthmatic fits, so if the animals don’t shed heavily and the house is kept extremely clean, I don’t really have a problem. This means short-haired/small dogs are better for my allergies, and I do have trouble breathing and get very itchy if someone has multiple animals and doesn’t keep the flying fur under control (but that’s equally true of dust and mold). You didn’t mention it, but what’s your experience of spending time around other people’s pets? Can you stay overnight in the house of a cat owner, or be in the same room with a dog? I can usually tell within the first ten minutes if someone’s house or pet is going to be trouble for me, but it’s hard for me to predict until I actually show up or meet the animal (except for birds. I am always violently allergic to birds, large or small).

      All of these are things to consider when talking to an allergist. Definitely find a good allergist, who asks tons of questions and listens to your entire life story. Where I went, the allergist’s office was next door to the shot clinic, where nurses administered vaccinations as well as allergy shots. I cannot over-emphasize how much better your life will be if the person sticking needles into you is extremely good at it. Ask them who will administer the shots. Pay attention to how they do it, and whether or not different people at the same practice do it the same way. The few times I had to get my injections from staff at my university’s health center, it was a miserable experience. I started timing trips home so that I could go to the shot clinic instead!

      Good luck!

  30. Little bean*

    So my fiance and I have been engaged for nearly a year and haven’t started planning a wedding. Neither of us like event planning and also, I can’t decide what I want. Fiance wants to just go the courthouse and then have a party at a friend’s house. Im ok with something pretty casual but that is too casual for me. I want it to be fun and beautiful and meaningful and include all the people we love but also not cost our life savings. If we don’t have our ceremony at the reception, how do we make it still feel like a wedding and not just a random party?

    1. fposte*

      I think the internet will be desperate to help you :-); it’s just a matter of staying away from the Pinterest-intensive Perfect Day stuff. Sites like Offbeat Bride and A Practical Wedding are full of guidance on stuff like this. A lot of this also depends on where you are–costs are easy to keep low in my neck of the woods but harder in Manhattan.

        1. Little bean*

          Thanks! We need to sit down and do this. I think the problem is that all the things we want (a beautiful location, a big guest list, good food, plentiful alcohol, and awesome music) still adds up to more than we want to spend. We don’t care about stuff like centerpieces and bouquets, but that doesn’t save much… oh and we are in the SF bay area so one of the most expensive places in the US.

          1. fposte*

            While some of this depends on what “more than you want to spend” means, yes, you’ve ticked a lot of expensive boxes there. So maybe it’s time to have some conversations about what you could live without on that list or how long it’s worth waiting and saving for what you do want–would it be worth waiting five years to get all of those, or if you could rent a restaurant that would give you everything but the location for what you could afford in three would that be preferable? Keep in mind also that stuff on that list will likely be cheaper during weekdays or earlier in the day; weddings don’t have to be dinner affairs and are a lot more affordable when they’re not.

          2. BRR*

            I got married in a restaurant and that hit a lot of what you’re looking for. We rented it out for a Saturday lunch and was around $3k.

          3. Not A Manager*

            You can have all or almost all the things you want, but you’ll need to be clear on your definitions. “Good food” needs to be “good of its kind.” If you invite people to a Saturday night wedding with dinner, then you’re looking at fancy meats and lots of courses and desserts. If you invite people to a wedding brunch, or to a cocktail reception, then you can have excellent bunch food or excellent canapés.

            Same for plentiful alcohol. Plentiful alcohol at a fancy dinner a lot of times means top-shelf booze and lots of cocktails. Plentiful alcohol at a brunch can mean a choice of prosecco, mimosas, or bloody marys. Even at a “cocktail reception” you can have a choice of several house cocktails and a few wines.

            For some of those things, think about what you really care about. Do you need to have a live band in order to have awesome music? Would a DJ be okay? What about your own carefully curated playlist on a good sound system? What about your own playlist AND those provided by your friends who love you?

            For the “big guest list” – really? Is this because you genuinely love all of those people, and they all really care about sharing this amazing moment with you? If so, then I would absolutely prioritize that over the venue, food, booze etc. Pick something big and affordable, like an afternoon barbecue in the park with beer, and enjoy being with the people that you love. But if the reality is that there are a lot of people that you like, but not so many people that you love, then do something smaller and more intimate with the people you love and who love you.

            I like your fiancé’s idea of a ceremony and then a party at your friend’s house, if that works for your friend. You don’t HAVE to have a courthouse wedding – you can have the ceremony at your friend’s house, also. California will issue a one-day license to a lay person to act as officiant, so you can choose a loved one to perform the ceremony if you want to. Since the venue is free, you can put more money into your other priorities.

          4. Llellayena*

            This depends on how you define your desires. “Beautiful location” could mean a park with a view of the bridge. “Good food” could be pot luck: Aunt May brings her fantastic apple pie and Grandma brings her famous potato salad, etc. These definitions mean that the cost of inviting a ton of people goes down. You may still need to provide alcohol and some basic food (check that the park allows alcohol), but the cost is significantly less than event hall and catering.

            2. KayEss*

              Potluck weddings only work if the guest list is small and entirely local. I’ve been to a lovely potluck wedding reception, but it was lovely because there were <50 people and no one was worrying about how to handle transporting/preparing food after coming in from out of town.

            3. Doodle*

              Park or other public place — if you’re having a lot of people, you will likely need to get a permit from the parks dept. Those are often free or cheap. See if the nice park has covered picnic areas, you can often reserve those. Be aware that many people like to have big parties in nice parks with covered picnic areas. Pick your date, have backup dates, contact the parks dept. Parks may not allow alcohol, however. Best to ask!

          5. New Bee*

            I live (and got married) in the Bay 5 years ago, and we had a fabulous wedding with all the fixings for $6K. But, we only had 42 guests–the cost per person for food is the biggest non-negotiable, so I’d decide with your fiancee whether the absolute decider is 1) budget or 2) guests and then nail down that number before doing anything else.

            I’d also say we found going with a country club/golf course style venue was cheaper than trying to piece together food, booze, table rentals, etc. (Our venue did let us BYOB.)

            1. New Bee*

              Forgot to add:

              1) We got married on a Sunday afternoon in March–off-season + Sunday = cheaper reception, and the ceremony was free (Jewish wedding at a synagogue).

              2) Be realistic, both when planning and reading blogs, about DIY/favors you can call in. Sometimes the key to someone’s $2000 wedding is that their mom’s best friend’s cousin let them use their B&B an entire weekend for free, and the true cost would be much more. Similarly, if you ask people to DIY stuff for free/way below cost, it helps to consider time, money, and the impact on their enjoyment (e.g., no one wants to help roll tables in and out of a barn in a dress and heels).

          6. KayEss*

            Another thing to think about is: what will you and the guests remember in five/ten/fifty years? One rule of thumb I heard while planning my wedding was that literally no one will remember the food at a wedding unless it was BAD or there wasn’t enough of it. No one’s going to remember the music unless it’s outrageously terrible (like “they played the chicken dance EIGHT TIMES” terrible), either–they may remember “oh yeah there was a live band, that was kind of cool” but probably not what was played. I’ve been to weddings where a few years later I can barely recall any of the details. I’ve also been to ones where I remember one or two things that stood out–the mashed potato bar, the caricature artist, the groom’s electric blue suit–not necessarily because they were fantastically good, but because I personally hadn’t experienced them before. There’s not a single one where I remember everything that was served or played or how it all looked.

            So for my wedding, I prioritized not skimping on the things that would last the rest of our lives–the photographer (I hate photos of myself normally, so it was important to get a professional I could trust to make me look good) and the rings (not in terms of $$$ bling, but going for the ones I really wanted instead of compromising). After that came making sure hubby and I were as comfortable as possible on what was going to be an incredibly anxiety-making day for us–a date in late fall when the weather wouldn’t be hot and a dress I felt kick-ass in for me, a hotel room close to the ceremony site to minimize day-of logistics for him, etc. And finally came the comfort of our guests for the celebration, as far as convenience of scheduling and travel, feeding them, etc. Was it the Best (And Most Instagram-able) Day Of Our Lives(tm)? No, but it was a net positive experience with no anxiety breakdowns and the pro photos in our album will still be fabulous when we’re old and gray.

            (We were also the types who did not want a big party after, so we actually planned around not having to have alcohol or dancing or anyone giving toasts… and wound up with an afternoon tea service immediately after the ceremony, which was nice but probably no one remembers it. And that’s fine.)

            1. pentamom*

              So much this. I remember the food at a wedding 25 years ago that was bad AND there wasn’t enough of it. I guess not enough bad food wouldn’t be a problem, except that it was one of those weddings that was at a time of day, and the reception was long enough after the ceremony, that we were all absolutely starving by the time we got to eat. Bad was better than nothing.

              I would have been much, much happier with desserts and a toast served fairly promptly, and go on our merry way, especially since they didn’t have dancing or anything anyway. Anything adequate in both quality and quantity will keep your guests happy; anything extravagant will make them go oh, wow at the time but not be important to anybody after everyone goes home.

      2. Not a cat*

        “I think the internet will be desperate to help you.” HA!
        Voted Thread’s Best Opener :-)

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      You can often rent a local park space for pretty cheap. Caterer plus dress plus officiant plus tent shouldn’t be too expensive.

      Or do a weird museum. In Philadelphia, you can rent the Mutter for pretty cheap.

      1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        Or do a wedding package in Vegas. It’s a bit cheesy but can be all inclusive for less money. I wouldn’t invite all your family and friends to that one though.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          That’s what I did. We went to Disneyworld for a week’s vacation, then flew from Orlando to Vegas, where a dozen of our nearest and dearest had been invited to join us for a long weekend that would be interrupted by a 20 minute ceremony. We paid $350 for the ceremony, $500 to take everyone out for dinner to our favorite Vegas restaurant after, and I also booked a non-hosted brunch (that my dad ended up hosting as a surprise) and tickets for a show that people who wanted to go paid me back for. Around the planned events, people did what they wanted to, and everyone had a good time.

          1. Loopy*

            My brother and SIL did this style of vegas wedding (I was very young and didn’t go) and are still super thrilled with it over 20 years later!

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              $600 maybe? And I’m also thinking pre-gratuity, now that I think on it. I don’t remember exactly, it was 2017, but I do remember that I’d budgeted $1500 and was floored that the pre-tip tab was less than half that.

    3. Indie*

      I would defintely check out Off Beat Bride while staying faaaaaar away from Pintrest and wedding magazines. On OBB, my favourite wedding involved a couple who married in a library, had a cheap cake and punch picnic in the grounds and left immediately for the honeymoon.

      I think the best, most wedding-y moments I’ve ever seen in person have been mostly ‘things which are free’. A bride smoothing a grooms collar in a stolen moment, people laughing at speeches, children sat underneath tables, a bottle for ‘wedding advice, lyrics and poetry’ messages from guests, people sharing their stories about the couple…..

      I did the huge guest list hotel wedding. I wouldn’t actually recommend it, even though everyone had a blast. Thing is, you’ll be constantly greeting and looking after people as well as fielding questions from vendors all night. I’m marrying for the second time and I am definitely planning on keeping it more intimate.

    4. Loopy*

      Ooo I’m on the other side of this (wedding in seven weeks) and definitely have All The Thoughts.

      For me, what makes it feel like a wedding was making it personal to us and reflecting us and out union as people. I think even if it’s a casual party, little touches will really help set it apart as a special celebration of you two :) Examples include:

      -I made a mock movie poster for guests to sign bc fiance collects movie posters. You can buy these buy I made one because they are expensive I did it 1920s/1930s vintage style and used silhouettes because my graphic design skills are non-existent!

      -I’m getting funko pops of us made instead of a cake topper because he has given me funko pops for every bday and xmas

      -I got wedding napkins and instead of putting some fancy print of our names or a generic saying I had fun facts about us printed on them. I’m super excited about our fun fact napkins.

      -I chose the wedding colors not based on the season or Pinterest- I just chose his favorite color (mine didn’t mesh so I gave him his color)

      I remember those details rather fancy ones from other weddings too. We went to a very posh fancy wedding and I was most enamored with the signature drink names because they were form harry potter and the bride was a huge fan.

      Another wedding had a dinner reception at a restaurant because dancing wasn’t their thing so they just owned it and it was a lovely dinner! I went to a big 200+ person wedding that was picture perfect but generic and that made me feel a bit sad (though who am I to judge? If it made them happy, I’d be thrilled for them!).

      I wish I had more little touches of us.

    5. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      One of the most fun and memorable weddings here I’ve ever attended, was by a couple who rented a beach house, had the ceremony at a little tiny church in soquel (the bride and sister did their own simple bouquets, but you can order flowers from Costco now), and then we went to the beach house for the party. It was no more than 50 family and very close friends. (there were only about 20 at the church – it was TINY).

      Think – those you would celebrate or cry with first in response to a big event. (only). The dinner was catered barbecue from a favorite Caribbean restaurant, the (limited) bar was themed to the food, and the band (small) was steel drums etc following the theme. Fun, perfect, and I still get a warm glow. His sister made the cake. It was magical and fun, but not ‘big’ and not ‘pinterest.’ Way more fun and way more their personalities.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      You might want to head over to Carolyn Hax and check out some of the ideas over there. She does a semi-regular wedding hootenany discussion day ..be warned, it will include readers’ horror stories.

    8. Autumnheart*

      The favorite wedding that I attended, it was in a lovely park with an officiant. The ceremony was quite short (about 20 minutes), and then we all drove to a restaurant where the reception was held. The food was not fancy, but perfectly delicious and in ginormous quantity. Wine was complimentary, and people could buy mixed cocktails at the restaurant bar if they wished. The cake was actually a triple-tier of cupcakes with strawberry-flavored frosting. The restaurant also served some kind of cake log (imagine a gigantic Ho-Ho).

      This was several years ago by now, and you can tell the food was good because I still remember exactly what was on the menu! Man, so good. I was so full, I practically rolled outta there.

      So basically, they had the officiant, the park rental, and the reserved party at the restaurant. Total participants were about 40 people. Dress code was basically women wore dresses or dressy pants and dress shoes, men wore khakis and blazers, that sort of thing. (Late afternoon wedding in the summer, so summer colors and fabric weights.) But there wasn’t a cake-cutting or a dance floor or a DJ, just a big dinner party and a lot of conversation. I thought it was great.

    9. Nita*

      It might help to find something off the beaten track – a restaurant in a neighborhood that’s not on everyone’s wedding list, the local church, a park… It might also help if you seek out small local vendors (florist, bakery, etc.) that don’t specialize in only weddings – at least, in my neighborhood, their rates are lower and the quality is just as good. For music, a DJ is much less expensive than a live band. And as long as your guests are welcomed, fed and happy, you’ve got everything you need to make the wedding great.

    10. Bismuth*

      I used to work in a banquet hall. My advice: don’t go crazy with extra courses — most people just don’t eat that much. Keep it good but basic and you’re more likely to make everyone happy, rather than lots of little fancy appetizers plus a multi-course meal.

      Oh, and it’s surprising how few people eat the wedding cake, which is usually super basic anyway. Multi-tiered, hundreds of dollars wedding cake, and most people wouldn’t eat it (see above — especially if there was another dessert). And the cake always tasted the same, and it was always blah. Lots of bakers use cake mix and there’s usually too much icing. So why pay a mint when you can wield cake mix with the best of them? I’d totally go for a cupcake tower, or let a relative do it.

      I’d pick one thing you want to spend money or time and energy on — the perfect spot for the ceremony, or the perfect dress, or the perfect guest list. Have that one thing to make it special, then let the rest go.

  31. heckofabecca*

    Thanks to everyone who commented on my post a couple weeks ago about my husband telling me he wants a divorce in the middle of finals week. (Link in name.)

    Figured I’d give an update. I’m moving back into my apartment to the second bedroom (which was used as a living room—what to do with couch & chairs??? who knows) tomorrow. I spoke briefly with H on the phone to discuss logistics and I was just… shaking in fury and had to hang up at how absolutely thoughtless he was. Stuff like “I was surprised you left because I know you have nowhere else to go!” and “I had 30 people over, it was great!” Could be a lot worse, but… still. Incredible.

    I’m not looking forward to moving back, but I’m working on filling up my schedule so I can avoid it as much as possible. Still need to figure out whether it’s worth pursuing alimony. Right now I’m constantly exhausted and not sure how I’m going to deal with being back in the same space as him, given everything. Any advice? Thanks xo

    1. fposte*

      Oof; that sucks. Well, at least he’s making you see the upside of getting shot of him.

      You were reaching out to lawyers last week–do you have any consultations scheduled yet? They’re really the ones to advise about alimony–that’s largely dependent on jurisdiction and local convention (as well as your particular circumstances and the duration of the marriage, of course). I think getting a lawyer locked down will also be really helpful in getting somebody officially on your side so you don’t feel alone in the battle.

    3. A divorcee*

      I’m sorry this is happening to you! I am divorced, and I remember the “living in the same place and trying to avoid each other phase.” In retorspect I picture this as a valley of suckiness that you have to pass through before you can put your full effort into rebuilding your life into the life that you want.

      Since you did ask for some advice, here is some…
      – Do you have what Captain Awkward would term a Team You? Do you have anyone you can spend time with doing inexpensive things just to be out of the house? Someone with whom you can spend 15 minutes venting about his thoughtlessness and then move on to talking about interesting and fun things?
      – In my case of being stuck in the same house, we each found a trip to go on, giving the other a week of space… he housesat for friends for a bit… I tended to get up earlier so I’d get up and head out to work before he got up, eat my breakfast there… He was staying out late and I’d end up going to bed before he appeared. It was pretty horrible and he was inconsiderate, but I survived a few months of it.
      – I found myself wanting to put everything behind me as quickly as possible and ended up making some concessions (mainly financial) that I kind of regret. I don’t see any downside to pursuing alimony if you have a lawyer to do most of the work for you.
      – My ex had me so conditioned to help him with things that even though I was kind of angry with him, I found it difficult to stop trying to optimize and organize things for him. Like I came up with a plan for how he could retain his health insurance. I mean, I think everyone should have health insurance, but the me of some years later wants to shake the former me and say Don’t bother! Not your problem! Read a book and let him make the phone calls if he needs to!
      – Be kind to yourself during a period of unavoidable transition. I spent a lot of time feeling sweaty (it was summer…) and bloated and stuffy, and feeling pathetic about my new living situation at first. IT WAS TEMPORARY. Every step from there was making my life better.

      Good luck, and internet hugs if you want them.

    4. ..Kat..*

      Well, I think you should not automatically relegate yourself to the second bedroom. I think you should take over the master bedroom and bathroom and let him worry about making do with the second bedroom.

      Also, do not clean up after him in the apartment. You are not his maid.

      Get a lawyer if you don’t already have one. If your university has a law school, they might have referral services. Don’t worry about what you can afford for a lawyer, look into part of the divorce settlement being that he pays for your lawyer.

      Good luck. I’m sorry you have to go through this.

    5. Jersey's mom*

      Prepare for the worst. Hopefully it won’t happen, but if it does, you’ll be grateful you did this.

      Captain Awkward has a great list of this to do when you are considering a divorce, and the biggest one was to get your own financial accounts in your name only and move your share over asap. All important documents should be photoxopied, with originals going into a bank vault. Including birth certificate, passport, medical, and all financials. Take photo of all the stuff in the apartment and the state of the apartment. You have to show that stuff exists before you can argue over its worth.

      Take photocopies (or even photos with your phone) of all joint potentially legal documents. The way he sprung this divorce decision on you does not bode well for how this will play out in court.

      Good luck and zen hugs!

      1. Jersey's mom*

        To be clear, I am not advising that you take all monies in the joint accounts, just those monies you can prove belong to you (pay stubs,bank statements, etc). Just in case he decides to spend a day at a casino and it’s suddenly all gone and not recoverable.

        1. Rebecca*

          Great advice, and I second this! Make sure you have everything documented, every single thing, and keep it off site if possible (I used my Dad’s safe). I also agree with you taking the master bedroom, let him worry about where he wants to sleep – he’s the one who wants the divorce! And what Kat said above – when I left, my husband wasn’t working, and I agreed to pay for his attorney up to a certain amount of money so he had legal representation. I’d absolutely make this part of it. And find an attorney sooner rather than later. Keep us posted!

    6. Diana Barry*

      A bit late to the party, since it’s Monday, but though I’d throw in my 2 cents in case you check back. First, sending you hugs, I went through a divorce a few years back, though we were living at my folks’ at the time. Keep going to therapy and definitely talk to a reputable family lawyer (avoid lawyers that are a one-man/woman-show that do all law under the sun, you’ll waste time, energy and money). My university had a free lawyer but not for family law, he referred me to a family law firm (which was shit firm btw and I had to find my own, who ended up being fantastic, but keep in mind not all referrals are crap so you may be way more lucky than I was). The lawyer was key in helping me decide on what to do/not to do. He suggested that we may approach my ex to have him pay my legal costs, but we ended up not doing that, it wasn’t going to be worth it plus ex wouldn’t have paid it anyway cause he didn’t have the $, his folks were buying him things like toiletries cause he could’t afford them. Def get your finances in order ASAP, like others wrote. My ex stopped his direct deposit into our joint account within a week of me kicking him out even though I was laid off and collecting unemployment at the time (living with parents was irrespective of all that) and his income was far from high, shit move again, but in line with his true colors; so expect his “true colors” to “shine through”. But in the end you’ll be fine, I’m sure. Stay you’re prepped and organized, lean on friends and family who are in your corner (I organically shed myself of crappy friends in the process too, who were crudely unsupportive and what good riddance that was), and you can handle anything. Sending you multitudes of positive vibes :) And keep us posted :)

  32. Rhymes with Mitochondria*

    Pro marriage tip: When you say “Let’s do something fun tonight! Anything you want as long as it’s fun!” that is not a kind invitation. That’s saying “Plan something for me right this minute and it better be fun!”
    Last night was….not fun when my husband did that and I asked him to think of something because I didn’t have the energy to do it. He kept saying he was being generous to let me pick and I kept saying I would rather stay home and not have to come up with something last minute. He never did choose something…and neither did I.
    (I’d put a laughing emoji here if I could. All good now. I think he gets it.)

    2. CAA*

      It’s taken many years, but I think mine finally understands that when he says “oh, it doesn’t matter, you pick” it is not o.k. to later use the phrase “well, if it were me, I would have …”

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Corollary: I have a house rule that if I say “What do you want for dinner,” and someone answers “Food,” that constitutes signing up to do the next week’s worth of meal planning.

      1. fposte*

        Yup. Similar rule is that a veto of a suggestion obligates the vetoer to offer the next suggestion, otherwise the veto is nullified.

    4. Hannah*

      Arggh so annoying!

      I am having a similar problem with a friend. This is kind of a new friend, and someone I’d really like to be closer friends with, but she is CONSTANTLY being like “we should do this” or “we should do that” without actually making any specific plan.

      Yesterday, she said “We should start [hobby we’ve talk about before].” I said, yes! I’m totally interested in doing this with you! I have plans already to do [related thing] and you can come with me, but we can also do [thing you just said] sometime. Let me know when is good for you.”

      Crickets. It won’t happen unless I decide on the specifics and extend a specific invitation. I *always* have to be the one to extend the specific invitation and it makes me feel a little….insecure? I don’t know. It’s kind of like the feeling you get when you are the friend who is always calling, so you think maybe the other person doesn’t actually want to be your friend. But on the other hand, she drops all these hints about things she wants to be invited to do.

      Makes me crazy. She has a lot of other good qualities so I still want to be friends with her but it would feel so good to have her say, “Hey, do you want to join me in X on Saturday at 10?”

      2. ... cats and dogs*

        If she accepts when you suggest the plans and you have fun I think it’s really OK. I am a super busy person with a lot of things pulling on my time so I have barely any free time to see friends I really want to see. I am probably guilty of similar exchanges. I genuinely want to see them but going through my calendar becomes defeating. So if someone suggests it to me and I can do it I will go and be so happy I did. I just often find it difficult to initiate.

    5. Reba*

      In our house, it’s “what do you want for _____?” “Oh, the good kind.”

      We are equally bad about it, though.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I agree, with a caveat:
      “As long as” and “except” statements can work IFF the chooser is willing to do the choosing AND IFF the not-chooser can be trusted to accept&be pleasant no matter what AND IFF the restrictions are very specific.

      “As long as it gets us out of the house.” “As long as we don’t involve my great aunt Bertha” “As long as we have time to eat so we don’t collapse from low blood sugar.” “Except something that’ll trigger my clown phobia.”

      No fair then saying “but you know I don’t like X” because that was not the exclusion.

    7. Jaz*

      My husband learned very quickly that my idea of fun is either hiking (before dark) or watching movies (after dark). Any complaints are met with, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you wanted to choose our plans! Okay, what should we do?” I don’t mind doing whatever he likes, but my own preferences are pretty basic.

      Food, on the other hand, he’s allowed to make me choose. I’ve got all sorts of allergies and sensitivities, so I understand why those choices tend to fall on me.

    8. ..Kat..*

      When my husband does that, I tell him I want a multiple choice question, not an essay question. And afterwards, no “I would have preferred X.”

    9. The New Wanderer*

      A boyfriend complained once that I seemed to do all the choosing when it came to restaurants. I said “Okay, fair enough, you choose tonight, any place except Olive Garden.” I hated that chain and we lived in a city known for fantastic restaurants in all cuisines and at all price points so there were like a million other choices.

      Two hours later, guess what his only suggestion was.

      We ate leftovers that night. He never complained again (at least to me).

  33. KatieKate*

    Anyone else loving the new Marie Kondo show on Netflix? I just finished but I want more episodes! Is there anything similar out there?

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I don’t know that the topic is the same but “big dreams small spaces” is a good watch. It’s about British people creating their dream gardens and has a very soothing tone ala GBBO. One season is on Netflix and some more on Amazon.

    2. Not Australian*

      I watched the first one and have decided to ration them out … I found her a bit difficult to follow at times, and all that sunny brightness a bit irritating, but I think that’s more my fault than hers.

      If you think you can stand the sadness, ‘Hoarders’ is always good. (Except the animal episodes.) Also, the Canadian show ‘Consumed’ is excellent, if you can find it. They come up with some elegant storage solutions as well as decluttering more generally.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Hoarding: Buried Alive and Hoarders always made me want to chuck everything in my entire house. I have pack-ratty tendencies and I’m terrified of becoming a hoarder.
        The fact that I know it and can actually get rid of stuff is good, though.

    3. Laika*

      Ahh, I was looking for this in the comments! I’ve just started (only 2 episodes in) and already have recommended it to some friends and family who are struggling with downsizing/house clutter. It’s such a gentle and compassionate show compared to a lot of ‘HOARDERS: SHAME AND DISGUST EDITION!!’ reality TV and it’s really refreshing. Unfortunately I haven’t seen anything else like it, but it does remind me of the new Queer Eye reboot (which I also really enjoyed). Maybe because it seems a bit more… holistic? I don’t know if that’s the right word for it. Each episode seems quite kind and thoughtful and considers people’s actual, individual livelihood/hobbies/needs etc. So maybe check Queer Eye out if you haven’t yet. :)

      1. KatieKate*

        Love, loved the new Queer Eye! I think it’s the same kind of “genuinely helping people where they are” kind of “makeover” show that I love. They’re not trying to make someone be who they aren’t–just a better version of themselves.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          You nailed what I always hated about What Not to Wear. They would just come in and go, “Throw out your entire wardrobe” instead of actually going with someone’s personal style. Example: I have six bazillion nerd t-shirts and I wear them a lot. I can wear a t-shirt and jeans and be utterly casual, or dress it up with a jacket, nice shoes/boots, and a scarf. That is my style. I almost never wear dresses, I hate blouses and belts, and if you try to cut my hair off, I will end you.

          My mum and sister liked that show and would talk about it while side-eyeing me. They were talking about it once and I remarked casually that if anyone ever put me on that show, I would never speak to them again.

          2. Le Sigh*

            Did you ever watch Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style? It was on Bravo briefly before Project Runway moved to Lifetime. I loved it for the reasons you talk about — Gunn didn’t insult or roll his eyes at people, or push them to fit one of three pre-defined molds the show established at “acceptable.” He’d talk with people about how and why they dress how they do, how to improve on that for the life they live and be confident in it, and how to find clothes that fit and flatter their own bodies.

          3. MsChanandlerBong*

            I kind of liked that show, but I remember one time they gave somebody a cut and color that looked TERRIBLE on her. I don’t know why they try to give everybody over the age of 35 the “let me talk to your manager” special, but it looked so bad on the poor woman. She was a normal-looking human, and they just butchered her hair. I didn’t watch much after that.

    4. Lilysparrow*

      Yes, I liked it. I found her book off-putting because it struck me as rigid and unrealistic. But seeing her interact with the families showed her personality in a different light. I thought she was funny and charming.

    5. Gerald*

      I haven’t heard of your show, but based on the comments I might suggest Eat Well for Less. Helping families learn to love cooking, with a similar tone of trying to be supportive and helpful. I’ve watched episodes on Youtube

    6. Overeducated*

      I really liked the third episode because it spoke to my situation of raising a family in a small apartment in a very realistic and relatable way. It’s refreshing not to be given “buy a bunch of new stuff and redecorate” as the only way to make a home nice, I got a lot of comfort and inspiration out of it. But I couldn’t make it through the first episode without getting bored, so this may be a small dose show for me.

    7. A bit of a saga*

      I watched the first five episodes and have gone through all my clothing and quite a few kitchen drawers already! I don’t know that I love the show and I was primed to do some cleaning out anyway before I started watching but I like that she is gentle and also that the families featured are not extreme – they are not hoarders, they are just people with a lot of stuff and busy lives – just like my family

    8. Arjay*

      I’ve only seen the first episode, but I enjoyed it. I want to pick her up and keep her in my pocket at all times.

      I did find her book a little overwhelming and the concepts a little woo sometimes. No, this rain jacket doesn’t spark joy, but I do need something to wear when it rains.

      The first episode really seemed that she met the family where they were and helped them achieve their goals without achieving the perfection that the book seemed aimed at. I was really surprised by how much stuff they kept. I hope they continue to enjoy their home this way.

  34. Portia*

    I need to vent about something I feel petty and selfish about, but also so bummed.

    I am pretty introverted and as a high school teacher, I’m surrounded by people all day. The first two years that I lived with my husband, he worked from home and didn’t have a car, so he was almost always home. This past fall, he started a new job, and every day when I got home from work, I had two hours to myself. It was heavenly!! I’d read, clean, do yoga, hang out with just me and the silence. Total bliss.

    He just got his spring schedule and he has all morning/afternoon classes (and three days a week only one hour of class), so he’ll always be home before me. Y’all, I’m so bummed. I feel unreasonably sad about losing that alone time. I suggested maybe 1-2 days a week he could find something to do in the late afternoons, and he shrugged it off.

    I know from his perspective I would feel annoyed at being basically told to get out of my own house…but is it unreasonable to ask again, maybe once the semester is in swing? I know he’s unlikely to schedule things that will keep him out of the house very often – maybe once every few weeks. But I’d love some regular, scheduled alone time.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      I don’t think you should frame it as “get out of our house.” It’s okay to want some alone time sometimes. Can you explain to him that you love the time with him, but you also cherish some time without him, and that that can make the time with him even more special? Introversion is a real thing, and having to take time to yourself to recharge is a real thing. If he takes personal offense to that, that’s kind of his problem.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Do you have A Room Of One’s Own? Maybe instead of trying to schedule him out of the house, you could schedule your own private time. If you don’t have your own study, or you can’t commandeer the guest room or the basement, maybe you could get the bedroom to yourself, or the TV room.

      Otherwise you might need to schedule yourself out of the house rather than him. It’s not the same amount of freedom, but “this is my library night,” or “this is Starbucks afternoon” would at least give you some alone time.

      I’m a person who will regularly schedule 10 minute bathroom breaks at parties just so I can play solitaire on my phone, so I understand this need. (I find the basement bathroom or the upstairs one, not the main one off the living room!)

      1. Portia*

        Not really. Our house is pretty open, and he likes to have the TV on, so you can hear it from most rooms in the house.

        Yeah, I know I can schedule stuff for myself, but somehow being alone in my car or the library or even out on a run doesn’t give me the same feeling as being in the house alone. But I know it’s not necessarily fair to put that on him as a problem to fix.

        1. fposte*

          I think asking him to use wireless headphones for the TV during specific hours would be reasonable.

    3. Kathenus*

      An additional option is to be able to have alone time in the house even with him home – have a room or part of the house that can be your sanctuary for reading, watching TV, whatever and agree that a couple of times a week you can be alone in these spaces to recharge. Maybe sometimes you are in separate rooms, other times he agrees to do so and you get the main areas.

    4. fposte*

      I think it’s reasonable, and I’m an introvert who would want something similar. But maybe you can tackle it from another angle–“I’ve found that alone time is really important and valuable to me. While I can get it by leaving the house sometimes, is there a way I can schedule some time for that in the house? Ordinarily during your classes would be fine, but the timing doesn’t work this semester, so I’d be happy to make it work during your planned prep times or social times without me.” I don’t know what kind of home you’ve got, but another possibility is to have some pretend walls up–after a greeting, you’re not available for socializing until 6, say.

      And do find ways to get similar gratification by leaving the house yourself sometimes, so you’re both doing the work on this. Maybe go take a walk or travel to a nice park for a walk, cultivate a library or coffeeshop space that works for you, etc., to give you more options.

      1. Portia*

        Yeah, the selfish part of this is that if he stays on campus until 5, his commute home is twice as long, so I can’t ask him to hold office hours or stay late working after class. I think I probably just have to play it by ear and see if I can carve out enough alone space when he’s home. And maybe he’ll feel like doing more stuff without me since his working hours are easier now. Thanks for letting me think it out instead of just stewing on it, y’all!

    5. KR*

      Totally not unreasonable. My husband did not have very much work to do this fall and was home all the time. Even now he does not have much to do AT work and works from home most days. So most of the time I get home from work and he is home! And ready to talk! And hang out! And I just don’t want to because I almost never get time in the house by myself anymore and it wears me out.

    6. Persephone Mulberry*

      Here is how I would approach it:

      “Hey hubs, can I talk to you about something? This is going to sound weird maybe, but this past semester while you were working later, I discovered that I really, really loved having the house completely to myself for that couple hours in the afternoon between when I got home and when you got home. I didn’t realize how much I was missing my introvert recharge time until I got it, and to be honest, it’s actually making me really sad to possibly be losing it when your schedule changes. It would mean a lot to me if we can figure out a way for me to still get that quiet alone time a few days a week. What do you think?”

      You’ll notice I didn’t include any preemptive strategizing about what that quiet time might look like. I think some of the ideas outline above about *how* to get that quiet/alone time are good, but I think first you need to be in alignment on *why* this is important to you. If he says “okay, I get that, what did you have in mind?”, then you break out your list of ideas.

      Good luck! It is okay to ask for what you need in a relationship.

    7. Forrest Rhodes*

      When I was 7 or 8 years old, our house was behind the building that held my dad’s custom-metalwork fabrication business. Whenever I had the chance I loved to hang out at the shop; Dad would give me something non-dangerous to do so I could “help” him.
      One day when he’d had enough of my (probably non-) assistance, he picked me up, kissed me, and said, “Honey, I love you, but how can I miss you if you don’t go away?”
      I said, “D’oh! Okay, I’ll go help Mom,” and trotted off to inflict my charms on my mother.
      Forever after, that question was our family’s code for “I love you, but I just want to be alone for a while,” and we all respected it.
      Maybe it would work for you?

        1. Forrest Rhodes*

          Thanks, OWP. He definitely was, and he could always make me laugh as well—though I had to age a little bit to really appreciate this particular response. :)

    8. Reba*

      Try to reframe this from “petty and selfish” (it is NOT!) to more like “I learned something about my needs/happiness and would like to arrange my life to make that happen more.” If you explain what you have here, I feel like your husband will be understanding! He should want you to be recharged and to enjoy evenings, right?

      When you suggested he get out of the house, was it just that, or did you already have one talk about alone time needs? I’d be concerned if he was shrugging off that aspect of it, whereas if he just heard “spouse vaguely thinks I need a hobby” then that isn’t really the message. Worth a revisit anyway.

      1. Portia*

        No, he gets how much I love alone time. When he told me his schedule, my face must have given me away because he said “I know, you’ll really miss having the house to yourself in the afternoons.” But I think he doesn’t really see why – he feels like he leaves me alone to do what I want, even though that might mean interrupting me six times while I try to do yoga or whatever.

        But we’ll see! We’ve both been off this week for the holidays and spending a lot of really nice time together. But he just said “Ok with you if I go have dinner with [friend] tonight?” So yaaaay, I get the house to myself tonight!

        1. Le Sigh*

          If he’s interrupting yoga several times (as one example), I think it’s also worth pointing out that by definition, he’s not really leaving you alone. So maybe he could work on his end to ensure that you’re really getting space when he is home.

        2. Natalie*

          In addition to what Le Sigh said, he doesn’t actually have to understand it, he just needs to accept it. Focusing on him “getting it” is a waste of time and will just frustrate you both.

    9. Kat in VA*

      Something I didn’t realize, when transitioning from stay-at-home mom to full-time working mom, was that I would have literally no time or space to recharge.

      Before, husband would go to work, kids would go to school, and I would have the house to myself until around 2:30 in the afternoon.

      Now I get up, leave around the same time as my husband, and get home after him. There’s never any time where I just have the house or any space to me-myself-and I.

      Hence telling people that I really don’t mind my 1.5 hour (each way) commute to work, because it’s literally the only headspace that I get (other than maybe a shower or getting up early on the weekends). Even then I’m usually getting texts (no, I don’t text and drive, so if you want an answer, you wait until I’m at a red light) or phone calls asking me about this or that.

      I have no solutions for you, but as an introvert who lives with six other people, you have my full understanding and sympathy!

    10. Not a cat*

      A good friend has/had a similar issue. She had to frame it in terms of “alone-ness recharges my batteries.” Luckily her more extroverted husband got it right away. The signal is that she sings out,” “HER NAME time.”

      Obviously, everyone has their own relationship dynamic so, YMMV.

    11. Earthwalker*

      A friend who felt that way about his wife always being around built a back yard shed divided into half for tool storage and half for his own personal retreat. Does your home/budget make it possible to consider building a small shed into a tiny private studio?

    12. LPUK*

      Yup, this was my Mums complaint when Dad retired. She would complain about him always being around to which friends and family would say ‘well, why don’t you go out?’, to which she would have to explain that what she really wanted was time alone in her house!

    13. The Rat Catcher*

      I feel this! My husband goes out on his own almost never, my BIL even less. It was definitely a talk we had to have. We were apart too much for my tastes before (we worked opposite shifts and would go days without seeing each other for more than a few minutes in passing), but when he got the same work schedule as me, it was an adjustment.

      Things that worked for us: me getting out of the house a few times a week (to work out, or go to a bookstore and read), declaring “alone time” in part of the house that didn’t require passage “through” for a few hours, sending him on the weekly errands sometimes.

  35. KatieKate*

    In other news… My roommate just let me know that she’s planning to move out, which I think is the push I needed to live on my own for the first time! (And possibly get a pet :D) It’s going to hurt my budget, but I’m actually getting excited about it. The only problem will be trying to figure out how to be social while living alone, but thankfully I just restarted therapy on Monday so now I have a support system and a plan with a deadline. I totally freaked out about this last night, but in the light of day I’m actually getting excited about it!

    1. Agent J*

      I love living alone! It’ll take some getting used to if you’ve never lived alone before.

      Some tips:
      – If the quiet is unsettling at first, turn on some music or the TV. Even if it’s just on in the background, it helps to fill in the space.
      – If you get lonely, have some back up activities, like calling a friend or exploring your neighborhood.
      – If you haven’t already (and if you want to), try to be more friendly with your neighbors. My next door neighboor and I both live alone and have become good friends by doing things together.

      I’m excited for your new adventure!

      1. KatieKate*

        Thank you! Working on my social anxiety is something I was already planning to cover in therapy, and I like the fact that moving to my own place is an opportunity to have a goal to work towards. I’m not very good at meeting new people (or even going to events where that’s encouraged) but it’s almost helpful that living alone will force me to do it!

        1. Radical Edward*

          Omigosh, yay for you! If you do end up getting a pet (especially a dog), that can help a lot with meeting new people. All of my friends with dogs love talking to other dog parents. :) Us cat parents might not get out as much with our fur children in tow, but we like gushing about them too.

          My favourite thing about living alone (at least before I moved into a building with paper-thin walls) was playing loud music and singing along. Such a great way to blow off steam. The freedom in general, of not having to consider the impact of one’s every action on another person’s comfort, is a key component in allowing myself to fully relax. Embrace it!

  36. Wary Webuser*

    Question for you Webmasters (or others in the field) out there. Twice recently I was on a web page where I was supposed to enter my contact info, and it was not secure. One was a contest page for TV channel; the other a company that makes a food product. I did not enter the contest nor contact the food company thru their site. Two questions: Shouldn’t it go without saying that pages where your contact info is typed in, be made secure? And, do hackers have programs running gathering email addresses etc from unsecure pages — or am I being overly paranoid in not entering my info unless it’s a secure page?

    1. Wary Webuser*

      Forgot to mention – I checked on 2 different browsers, Chrome on PC and Safari on Mac. Same on both.

    2. CAA*

      It’s best practice to use https where you are asking a user to enter any PII such as name and email address, but there’s no legal requirement for it or anything like that.

      But that said, you don’t need to worry that someone’s eavesdropping on your http sessions. It’s so much easier to get your information in other ways that it’s a total waste of a hackers’ time to sit on a network waiting for someone to type in a name and email address. I read a study of this not too long ago. I’ll see if I can dig it up later on.

      1. Wary Webuser*

        I didn’t think hackers were eavesdropping on individuals sessions, I thought maybe they created programs that do that. Wondering why a high profile “Enter to win $2019 on our website!” cable network would not require the web creator to make it secure. Would you say the risk to contestants info is not worth the cost of making the page secure?

        1. Someone Else*

          It’s laziness. They’re not considering risk to the entrants because they don’t care. You make a website, of any kind, it is automatically not secure. You need to get a certificate and then spend the 5 minutes to make it secure. It’s not a lot of effort, and it is best practice to do. But in the case of something like an enter-to-win, if they don’t care and don’t expect the not-secureness of it to scare anyone (or enough people) off to outweigh doing it in the first place…basically it’s just very very easy for sites to do what you saw, because it’s the default behavior. Is that extra step especially difficult or costly? Nope. But it’s still one extra step. Sometimes just being an extra step is enough for something to not get done.

      2. Observer*

        You don’t have to worry that they are eavesdropping on your particular session. You DO have to worry that they are eavesdropping on the site or that they have compromised the site in some other way, since the web master has been so careless and sloppy.

        It’s not like someone has to be sitting and watching the site – all you need to do is to set the snooper up, and have it send anything interesting along to you.

    3. Anonymous Educator*

      If it’s http (not https), you’re basically sending information via plain text, which is extremely insecure and easily interceptible. I don’t know what you mean about “overly paranoid.” Do you want your email addresses exposed or not? If you don’t mind, then it’s no big deal. If you do mind, it is a big deal.

      I’d highly recommend you Google and read Here’s Why Your Static Website Needs HTTPS.

    4. Observer*

      No, you are not being paranoid. Asking people to enter even the most basic contact info on an unsecured site is stupid. And tells me that they are not up to snuff in their data handling. I’d be a bit concerned about giving them anything sensitive to hold. Certainly, if I were going to shop on their site, I would NOT allow them to store my CC information for my “convenience”.

  38. Hard Words of the 18th Century*

    Who here likes etymology, history and the English language?
    I’ve just started a Twitter page for my 18th Century dictionary – I’m tweeting pictures of interesting/forgotten words and sometimes including a bit of background info. For example (transcribed):

    To FUDGEL, to make a Shew of doing fomewhat to no Purpofe, to trifle.

    Check it out! The link is in my name.

    1. Laika*

      Oooh, this will make a great addition to my feed (which tbh is mostly The Museum of English Rural Life anyway).

        1. fposte*

          The MERL makes me want to run our Twitter account, and I didn’t think anything would ever do that. I love how global it’s gone, too, and that it has exchanges with museums and libraries in other countries.

          2. Radical Edward*

            Long live the MERL! Sue the T Rex (at the Field Museum) has a pretty great feed, too. :D

            Thank you for giving me another cool Twitter account to follow, HWot18C! Have you found Haggard Hawks? It’s a fun vocabulary-based account (with a different focus).

      2. Marion Ravenwood*

        The MERL is awesome. I take it we all saw the ‘best duck’ thread this weekend?

        Hard Words, if you’re not already, I recommend following Susie Dent on Twitter. She is the Dictionary Corner person on Countdown (a British gameshow where contestants have to make the longest word they can out of a random assortment of letters against the clock) and does ‘word of the day’ posts. Not all of them are 18th century but they’re always excellent, and often very fitting for the day.

    1. Jaid_Diah*

      Best: Binge watching Puella Magi Madoka Magica. a deconstruction of the magical girl trope. Been watching it on Netflix.

      Worst: Still furloughed.

    2. Ruffingit*

      BEST: Having a free weekend to chill out. So needed.

      WORST: Working out some emotional stuff.

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      Best: Got paid a week early, which is delightful as I needed it.

      Worst: Finally got my mum to understand that her cousin sexually assaulted me when I was thirteen and am now dealing with the aftermath of that.

      1. Gracie*

        That worst is a big worst. For what it’s worth, this internet stranger believes you, and wants you to know that you didn’t deserve it.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        Once in a while I read a post and gasp right out loud. This is one of those posts. I hope that nothing in your life is ever this hard again. Am sending a convoy of tractor trailers loaded with Support your way.

      5. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        Sending you all the virtual support my internet connection can support. Wow. Tough worst, but + you finally got her to understand. Heart and thoughts with you.

      6. Foreign Octopus*

        Thank you for all your kind words and Internet hugs. Honestly, it was a while ago and I’m as over it as I can possibly be given the circumstances but now that my mum’s ignorance of the thing has been removed, I’m having to deal with her working it all out loud with questions like:

        “But why didn’t you tell me?” – I did, many times over the years, and it was turned into a family joke about not leaving me alone with him (which they then proceeded to do when I was 18 and guess what happened?)

        It’s bringing up those feelings of vulnerability and helplessness again but I think I’ll be better for it in the long run, and at least I won’t have to hear his name any more so yay.

        But thanks for your love!

      7. Ruffingit*

        Sending you all the love and support possible. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, both the assault and the betrayal of not being believed. Strength to you!

    4. CurrentlyLooking*

      Best: Guacamole – lazy person way – take one ripe avocado, cut in half and remove pit. While still in peel (skin?), cut the fruit lengthwise and width wise and scoop into bowl. Mix in some fresh store bought salsa.

      Worst: my dog having a flare up of nasty auto-immune disease.

    5. Mimmy*

      BEST: Super-short and very light week at work. It’ll be the complete opposite come Monday though :(

      WORST: Nothing really – things have been relatively good and quiet lately *knock on wood*

    6. Fake old Converse shoes (not in the US)*

      Best: tried an Italian shower gel a relative brought me from a trip abroad. I feel like a sophisticated baby.
      Worst: I went to the gynecologist for my out of control period and her opinion was more of less “you need to lose weight”, although she ordered hormonal tests.

      1. Observer*

        Your Gyn is an idiot. Sure, overweight can have bad effects on you in many ways. But even morbid obesity doesn’t generally lead to out of control periods.

        If the tests don’t show anything, please find a reproductive endocrinologist or at least a gyn who take you seriously.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      BEST: Excellent time with my sangha today. :)

      WORST: Things REALLY need to change because I really need to get away from my neighbors. I don’t feel comfortable in this place anymore between not ever talking to the shotgun neighbor on one side and the dog neighbor on the other, who still doesn’t seem bothered by their ultra-loud axe-gargling barking. They’ve calmed down some when outside and no longer bark at every tiny thing. But the problem is that when they start up, nobody makes them stop.
      “They’re not the only ones in the neighborhood who bark.”
      No, but the other dogs don’t do it for a whole hour straight, Karen.

    8. Beanie*

      Best: Started on my Soul Calibur 6 Tira cosplay outfit.

      Worst: Financial stress since I haven’t been able to work since being sexually assaulted on the job last Saturday.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Ouch. Sending you a large box of Moral Support. After this horrible experience may you find justice and the right blend (for you) of hassle-free medical, emotional, professional, financial, spiritual, and legal support. Not necessarily in that order and not necessarily all items in that list (e.g. skip the spiritual if that’s not your thing; skip the legal system if it’s an impossibility or just a road to greater misery). I’m not saying that sexual assault can be made “all better,” rather that you didn’t deserve it then and you DO deserve whatever care you welcome now. Take care of yourself. (Sounds like you’re doing that with your cosplay outfit.) You’re worth it!!

        Sorry if this sounds preachy or stiff. I’m upset and outraged on your behalf but don’t want to burden you with my emotions. Let us know if you want ideas or encouragement in finding community resources for any kind of help.

    9. Square Root Of Minus One*

      Best : vacation week at hometown.
      Worst : it’s over and my BF has left about half an hour ago.

    10. Ginger ale for all*

      Best – My fiance and I saw the Molly Ringwalds concert and had a blast.
      Worst – I see the disfunction with my bosses at my part time job. I am going to stay out of it as much as I can.

    11. Anonyby*

      Best: I’m test-driving (and verbally committed to buying) a car! It’s from a rental fleet so I have it as a rental until all the paperwork is done. Which is good because I’ve been putting this off for MONTHS, but I’m happy with the car.

      Worst: Game night tonight was cancelled, so no seeing friends. :(

    12. Trixie*

      Best: A short work week softened the blow of returning to work.
      Worst: Losing a beautiful plant I started from starter growth. Not sure what happened and hoping I can bring it back. Hang on, stay with me!!

    13. The Rat Catcher*

      Best: Work event I had a big part in planning for 100 people was a HUGE success!
      Worst: PMS yesterday led to arguments and sadness

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I got death in the therapist’s chair. I really need to do it again. That was fun!

      Did you hear Will Poulter, the actor who played the superstar programmer Colin (the one with the spiky blond hair), got bullied off Twitter, apparently over his appearance? So effed up. >:( There is nothing wrong with the way he looked. I thought he was cute.

      Also, it was really cool how well they nailed the 1980s sets, clothes, hair, etc.

    2. Nancie*

      All of them!

      I watched it once completely unspoiled, that time I got several “soft” endings, and finally the dead in the therapist’s office ending.

      Then I googled a flowchart, and set out to see all the endings. It took 2 complete restarts and about 3 1/2 hours.

      (Yes, I’m legit a little OCD.)

  41. Look Out Below*

    As my dad and stepmother settle into their new house, I feel myself uneasy about it.

    They have bought a house on a cliff. Now I grew up on the water, with a man-made sturdy bulkhead standing against the waves. They are literally on a cliff with no reinforcement. It’s a neighborhood known for its gorgeous natural cliff top homes. There are no news stories of a home toppling onto the beach below. But I’m still nervous. While they’ve be renovating the house this past year, their location has been pounded by constant rain and hey admitted that the natural erosion of the cliff has been substantially more this year than years past.

    Though I know the likelyhood of waking to the news that the neighborhood cliff has collapsed into the sea is very low, and that they have plans to leave should a hurricane hit, I can’t help but be nervous about their literal stability of their new home.

    1. fposte*

      I’m seeing a ballpark of $500-$800 for a structural assessment by an engineer. Would it make you feel better to buy that for them as a joint present to them and you?

      1. valentine*

        Leave the house for them to sort. Is it really the literal stability of the home that concerns you, or the relationship(s)?

        1. Look Out Below*

          Sorry but why are you jumping into my relationship with my dad and stepmom? This is the fourth house they’ve owned in the 35 years I’ve been alive. I have a great relationship with them and never worried about their home until they moved to a house on a cliff. I went there for Christmas and we took some family photos in the backyard; it was all too obvious to me that their yard is tiny, the house not that far from the cliff, a distance they admired decreased with the rain and erosion.

          Though I appreciate all comments on the Open Thread, jumping to my relationship with them seems like a sudden and nonsensical jump in logic. I’d express the same concern if they said they were moving next to a prison. They did express concern for my safety when I told they where I was moving and didn’t relax until they saw that a State Trooper lived across the street from me, and my neighborhood has no history of crimes. We are a close family that is concerned for each other’s safety, and my fears are doomed by the proximity to the cliff.

          1. Overeducated*

            Yeah, that’s really a legit concern. Stumped for advice though, they’ve made the choice, how do you mitigate THAT?

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I’d be nervous about a house on a cliff like that too! Can you ask them about it?

      1. Look Out Below*

        I did ask them about it; the brushed it off as half ‘there’s nothing to worry about’ and half ‘we’ve already invested in the property so we’re not going to leave’. I couldn’t tell if they’re really not worried or are just being stubborn.

        1. Jersey's mom*

          You can check out the local municipal zoning office website and see if the have codes relating to setbacks. That will at least give you a place to start researching. If required setbacks exist, then hopefully they’re based on wave runup on the cliff, or river current action, surface water runoff and ground water seepage through the cliff. The type of soil is also important (ie sandstone cliffs will see faster erosion).

          Also check out the FIRM floodplain map’s for the area. These maps are put out by FEMA and used to determine flood insurance rates. These maps can show you whether the federal engineers believe the site is high/low risk for flooding.

          Finally, hang out at a local tavern and chat up people about the cliff. This may sound a little ridiculous, but you would not believe how many “old timers” in the area would love to share natural destruction stories. Tell them you have family moving into the area and was wondering when was the last time a house got swept over a cliff. (Note – don’t ask “if”. Ask “when”. You’ll get much better answers that way.

          Once you can figure reasonable odds on what might happen, then you can consider what reasonable reactions might be. Obviously they won’t move, but maybe going overnight to a hotel if xx inches of rain is forecast, etc. could be a reasonable tradeoff.

        2. Autumnheart*

          Honestly….they’re adults. This isn’t their first house. They know the risks. Let it go. They might be making a bad choice, but it’s theirs to make and deal with. Let adults own their own stuff. You don’t have to take on the burden of worrying about this for them.

          1. Autumnheart*

            Also keep in mind that a mortgage lender is not going to give out a loan for a house that’s likely to fall over a cliff.

            1. Jersey's mom*

              Sadly, yeah, they will. It’ll just be a very crappy and expensive policy that essentially covers nothing. Just like a lot of the floodplain policies that are out there.

              1. fposte*

                I think you’re talking about insurance and Autumnheart is talking about the actual bank loan.

    2. Mobuy*

      Breakup songs.
      -I saw the sign
      -You’ll think of me
      -I knew you were trouble
      -Before he cheats
      etc.

    1. Call me St. Vincent*

      You can email Alison and ask her to delete. She is really great about that stuff!

  44. Not A Manager*

    I think my relative is a compulsive gambler. I’m very worried. I know I can’t fix them, but I also can’t enable them and this has already impacted our relationship.

    Does anyone have any good resources for the families of problem gamblers? Books would be great, and also online support communities.

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      There’s gambler’s anonymous I know, not sure if that’s for the people with the addiction or if families are also welcome. But a lot of the family support stuff for other addictions would probably have cross over – Al-anon, etc.

      However, make sure you protect yourself financially. If your relative spirals out of control, there’s a possibility that they may try to steal from anyone around. Make sure they don’t have access to your finances.

    2. Rebecca*

      My ex husband is a compulsive gambler. You’re right, you can’t fix it. They need to help themselves and want to stop gambling. I learned many things over the years: compulsive gamblers will lie, cheat, steal, whatever it takes to feed their addiction. My ex took credit cards out of my wallet and used them to refill gift cards and then buy lottery tickets at a local convenience store. He waited until I went for a walk, got into my purse, went there, did his thing, and then put them back before I knew they were gone. He opened up credit cards, maxed them out, and then ducked the inbound bills and phone calls until I found out about it. Basically, my life was hell for many years.

      I would strongly recommend separating finances from this person ASAP. Run a free credit report to see if there are any delinquent accounts they are hiding, and I’d do this for anyone in the household where this person would have access to personal info.

      I’m sorry this is an issue. I know first hand how difficult it is.

  45. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’m feeling a little better than last week. I think I’ve been really, really sleep deprived.

    I’m struggling with… everything? My house is a mess, I have all this fear around exercising, I want to lose weight, my sleep cycle is super messed up and I’m extremely lucky to have a boss who doesn’t care if I come in at 11 so long as I don’t miss meetings. (I talked to him about it.) I feel overwhelmed by a lot of it. I actually made a spreadsheet to show my therapist about how everything is hard and trying to solve one thing makes other things worse–for example, exercise can relieve stress but is likely to leave me exhausted for the rest of the day, and eating frequently helps me keep my energy levels up but means I gain more weight.

    I’m trying to work on solutions–I have an appointment with my doctor later in the month and I am trying to hire a cleaning company to come to my house, and every little obstacle and schedule conflict feels overwhelming and insurmountable.

    I just feel exhausted and overwhelmed, and on paper I’m doing really well but I can’t remember the last time I didn’t feel this way. I’m working on it. I just feel like I can’t get s break from my own brain and it sucks.

    I’m proud of making plans this weekend and of rescuing a little bird that I found injured yesterday.

    How are you?

    1. 653-CXK*

      I spent most of my New Years Eve and Day taking down Christmas decorations. I was thrilled to do so.

      The grunge that was in my throat is almost gone. I get coughs once in awhile, but I’ve been drinking tons of water and fluids. I don’t know what I had, but

      I did not move forward in the hiring process with Well Known Company. In a way, I’m glad because I can cross them off my list (or more accurately, move them to my Out tab on my spreadsheet); the more I think of it, Well Known Company’s culture is off-putting, and the questions they asked are designed to weed out those who will accept the Kool-Aid. Bullet dodged.

      Yesterday, I got a call from the recruiter who arranged the above for a possible six month contract-to-perm assignment, doing things I used to do at ExJob. I see them on Tuesday, and if all goes well, I begin the Monday after. If it doesn’t work out – no harm, no foul, as I also have applications out elsewhere.

      1. 653-CXK*

        Arrgh. Forgot to complete the sentence…

        I don’t know what I had, but it was either something that was going around, or perhaps a reaction to the BP medicine I was taking. Today (1/7/19) it’s virtually gone, save those occasional “productive” coughs.

      2. 653-CXK*

        Arrgh…another edit I didn’t catch.

        “and the questions they asked are designed to weed out those who won’t accept the Kool-Aid…”

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I’m feeling better after being sick since the day after Christmas, so that’s good. I’m starting to get a little more motivation.

      I took down one of the Christmas trees last night, because I couldn’t stand to look at it anymore. There’s one more that I’m trying to leave up until my side of the family’s dinner, which is on the 19th. Not sure I’ll make it without tearing it down. Part of taking down the trees this year is to better organize all the ornaments, lights, decorations, etc. I’ve been saying for many years that I’ll do it before I put it all in the attic and it just doesn’t happen. But this year I bought some good plastic ornament containers and used them last night. It’s a start!

      I’m starting to get down about my job search. It hasn’t been going on long, but it’s so discouraging to not see any positions that interest me. Corrections: the ones that look really interesting are going to be a huge pay cut that I can’t afford right now, and the ones with the pay I need just scream “burn out” or “boring!” to me. Or I just don’t have the qualifications. I know it’s early in the search, but I’m already starting to worry that I won’t find something I’m happy with when my job ends next month.

    3. Sparrow*

      That sounds hard JuniorDev. I’m glad you rescued the bird- it is a sign of a kind soul. My sleep schedule was all messed up last week, so I empathize with how that affects your mood and life! Can you try exercising in the late afternoon to get yourself tired enough to help with your sleep?
      I’m doing pretty well. The next semester of my degree program starts on Monday, and it’s a part of the program known for making people stressed and overwhelmed. So I’m trying to enjoy the calm before the storm, get as many life tasks as I can in order and indulge in as much self-care as I possibly can. It’s cold and rainy here, and went to yoga this morning then baked bread and did some chores so my apartment feels nice and cozy, and now I’m curled up on the couch with my laptop and a favorite playlist. I’m meeting a friend for dinner tonight and looking forward to that as well.

    4. Red*

      I’m doing much better now that I’m back on my regular schedule of meds. Things got a little off schedule with the holidays and I think that was greatly contributing to my issues last weekend. I mean, I still want to hurt myself, but it’s more of a quiet whisper in the back corners of my brain than a loud roar, if that makes sense. I can handle that.

      1. Mimmy*

        That makes perfect sense because I can relate. I’ve never had the loud roars, but will occasionally get those little whispers. The good news is that they’re always fleeting and I quickly remind myself the impact hurting myself would have on my loved ones. I love everyone too much to do anything to myself. I pray that I never get to a point where I forget all of that.

        So glad you are doing better this week – I worried when I read your post last week.

    5. anonagain*

      I’ve had a rough few days. It happens. I’ve been here before. I’ll be here again.

      I’m just doing what I need to do. Working on cleaning up my apartment, doing my exercises, working on my projects, resting, watching tv, playing with the cats. I can’t make it better (that will happen when it happens), but I don’t have to make it any worse.

    6. Agent J*

      For the first time in awhile, I feel like I’m getting above the clouds. I feel less anxious and depressed and I’m feeling more confident about myself. I didn’t know if I would get to this place so I’m counting this as a win. Therapy is helping me to set boundaries with family and speak up more with friends and coworkers.

      Now I’m trying to get back to my usual flow of life: cleaning my apartment, getting back on a regular sleep schedule, eating well and excerising regularly. I’m hoping I can get a routine that will be less likely to go by the wayside when I have my next depressive episode or anxiety attack.

    7. Sh’Dynasty*

      January and February tend to be rough months for me. The holidays are over, and it always seem like these two months have nothing worthy to look forward to you know?

      Overall this week I’ve been on the upswing I think. Friday was very productive, even though I’ve been so tired. Our small family is also recuperating, and I’m selfishly looking forward to everyone not being sick just so I don’t have to take care of everyone.

      I’ve been taking a bath every night- it’s been great. Also did pretty well with making dinners and eating lunches at home. Gonna try to keep looking for the positives!

    8. Jaz*

      I’m not sure if new people are allowed to post on this thread, but I hope so!

      I’m struggling. D-MER and a handful of mental illness diagnoses have been dragging me down. I’ve also been bleeding pretty heavily since my daughter was born four months ago, and the anemia is giving me migraines.

      However! My husband and I have been working on communicating better, and it’s made our home a lot calmer. I’ve gotten better at eating meals (I’m a recovering anorexic) mainly by getting more into cooking and baking. And I’ve just finished a major freelance project I’d been working on!

      Next goal for me is to write a chapter!

    9. StellaBella*

      Thanks for rescuing the little bird. A good deed and empathetic. Good luck too on cleaning company that will help you feel less overwhelmed.

      All in all am ok. I have an interview Wednesday, so preparing for that. Fingers crossed!

      Am feeling better about things now that I have rested, too – sleep is so so so important.

    10. The Rat Catcher*

      I spent all of December telling my brain that this is NOT a place for criticisms, because really it was just a nonstop stream of them. I told myself that even if I felt they were legitimate, I was accepting Zero Self-Criticism in December. If real problems arose that I needed to fix about myself, that could be done in January. And it was successful in 2 parts:

      1) I am more confident!!! I am not in fact screwing up everything!
      2) Because the fog of All The Time Anxiety has cleared, I can distinguish anxiety triggers now. So I can work around them.

      (I am in no way suggesting that anyone with anxiety or anything else can simply “turn off” the messages in their brain. I am just stating what helped me in the hopes it might help someone else too.)

  46. Move Over Thrawn - Florian Munteanu is BIGGER than you!*

    My cat Leia, 15 years old, was helped over the Bridge this morning at the vet. I took her in for what I thought was a UTI, but turns out the real problem was her liver. This is why she started throwing up back in late Oct. The vet found a liver mass and something else, I think she said they were nobs. There are few things sadder than coming home with that empty carrier, especially when you aren’t expecting it.

    2. Agent J*

      I’m so sorry about Leia. I can’t imagine what that was like for you to come home without her.

    4. Foreign Octopus*

      Oh no!! I’m so sorry. I’m dreading the day that I come home with my own empty carrier.

      (This isn’t Leia that there was a crowd funder for, was it? She was such a gorgeous cat.)

      1. Move Over Thrawn - Florian Munteanu is BIGGER than you!*

        Yes, it was her. The bloodwork showed nothing.

      1. Move Over Thrawn - Florian Munteanu is BIGGER than you!*

        It’s usually the kidneys. Ironic that for both of us, it was the liver.

    9. Mrs. Fenris*

      I’m so sorry. I’ve given several pet owners some very bad news over the last couple of weeks. :-(

    16. Gerald*

      I’m so sorry for your loss.

      A friend recently lost their dog, and in the same way went in for something small only to discover it was terminal. In their case it was possible to have another day filled with favourite foods and last farewells from a few favourite friends, but it’s all so sad. I have an elderly pet and every yearly checkup I find myself wondering what the blood test is going to show… hoping that I can put off the empty carrier for a while longer. It’s so hard when they are so good to us!

    18. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Sending a hug. no platitudes. Pupper girl still here but the rainbow bridge looms large in her life… vet warned me again this morning. You have my sympathy.

    19. Radical Edward*

      I am so very sorry. This happened almost exactly a year ago to our family. We still miss our sweet noodle kitty.

      All the hugs to you, if you want them. She was fortunate to have you.

    20. Veger*

      I’m sorry for your loss. It’s so hard when a beloved pet such as Leia walks over the Rainbow Bridge. It’s heartbreaking to look at the empty carrier.
      My family lost our 18 year old cat earlier this week due to untreatable old age complications.
      Grief is complicated, be gentle on yourself. Try to remember that medicine has limits, and you did the best that you could. It’s what I’m trying to remember this week.

      1. Move Over Thrawn - Florian Munteanu is BIGGER than you!*

        You have my deepest sympathies. Adjusting to this new reality.. it’s hard.

  47. Snory*

    Hi, I’ve been using a Cpap for a few months and have yet to wear it all night. I always take it off in my sleep. I never remember taking it off. I’ve tried taping it to my face with surgical tape, but I still took it off in my sleep. Any suggestions?

    1. Notthemomma*

      You may want to try a different mask style or if you have a full mask, turn the fabric inside out so it’s harder to slip off? The medical supply house where you were fitted should also have encountered this before and have suggestions.

      1. valentine*

        If you had a filmed sleep study, ask whether you did it then. What kind of mask is it? Can you sleep with your hands underneath your pillow or hold something noisy to wake you? (Assuming the disruption is better than the loss of air.)

    2. Lilysparrow*

      #1 would be to call your Dr or supplier and see if you can try on different mask styles. If it is uncomfortable and bothering you in your sleep, there really is no viable way to “baby-proof” it from yourself. If you succeeded in thwarting your sleeping self, you’d just fully wake up and be unable to go back to sleep.

      See if you can find what’s causing the discomfort and solve it. When you try something different, use a staged plan to acclimate to it, maybe by napping in the day or wearing it for timed intervals.

      One option might be if you can identify approximately what time you take it off. You could start sleep-training by setting an alarm to intentionally take it off a few minutes before your usual time. And then gradually lengthen the interval. Perhaps is your subconscious knows it will come off at x time, you can learn to tolerate it a little longer every couple of days.

    3. Mrs. Fenris*

      Do you have a partner? If not, this won’t be helpful at all, and I don’t mean to sound dismissive. But Fenris has a CPAP and I’m a light sleeper, so for him it was pretty self-correcting. If he took it off, the resulting racket would wake me up, then I’d make him put it back on. :-)

    4. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I wound up having to use a bi-pap (c is for constant, bi- has two levels, so I could exhale easier). Don’t know if this is part of the problem (or the mask), but I simply could not tolerate the constant air pressure, but could the bi-pap.

    1. Call me St. Vincent*

      I use Pssst. It’s pretty good. I’ve also used Dove and that was fine but I don’t like the scent.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      I like the one by Cake (I think it’s called hair and body refreshing powder?). It comes in three different colours so you won’t end up with white powder if you have dark hair.

    3. Kendra*

      I like the Aussie total miracle kind! It works well and smells great, but I don’t think it comes in dark hair colors if that’s an issue for you.

    4. All Stitched Up*

      My classmate uses a mixture of baby powder and baking soda that she sprinkles on and combs through and her hair always looks amazing.

    5. Reba*

      Best for me is Hask. I get it at Ulta or Target. It’s made with rice starch, rather than aluminum starch like most sprays. My hair is still soft when I use it, rather than gritty, and it’s longer lasting (i.e. still looks good on second day after applying).

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Ooh I love Hask’s shampoo and conditioner. I might try that myself. I dislike Batiste because the spray comes out too hard and it feels gross in my hair.

    6. Crylo Ren*

      I’ve tried a bunch but my favorite is the “Not Your Mother’s” line, specifically the ones made with tapioca or rice starch. There is a “desert melon” one I get at Ulta that smells good and doesn’t leave residue in my naturally jet-black hair, and it doesn’t leave my hair feeling heavy or crunchy.

    7. Marion Ravenwood*

      I’m not sure if you can get it outside the UK, but I really like Colab dry shampoo. Batiste is pretty good as well.

  49. Clara*

    I have a bit of a dilemma regarding addressing people in emails. I’m applying to a various colleges, and part of the process is interviewing with an alumnus/alumna. One particular college has asked me to contact Carol Smith, Class of 1970 (name changed). When I email her, should I open with “Dear Ms. Smith,” “Hi Carol,” or some other variation? For other college interviews, I’ve been using the “Hi Firstname,” greeting, but all of those interviewers have been in their thirties. Does the significant age difference (I’m seventeen, and she’s likely in her sixties) change anything? I know previous generations have generally been more formal about greetings, and I don’t want her to think of me as disrespectful or overly casual.

    *I’m not sure if this belongs in the work thread or not, but I figured I’d post here since applying to college isn’t really employment for me (I wish I was being paid for it though, haha).

    1. Call me St. Vincent*

      I’ve done alumni interviewing for my alma mater and I’m in my 30s. I personally think you should say Hi Ms. Smith for any age person and let them say “call me Carol.”

      1. Clara*

        That sounds like a good idea. Previous interviewers have generally contacted me first, so I had the benefit of seeing how they signed off their emails (generally something like “Regards, Anna” or some variation, so I knew first names were appropriate). Thank you!

      2. Texan In Exile*

        I do alumni interviewing as well and I close with “Ms. Exile” on the first email and “Ms. E” on subsequent ones. I do not expect to be called by my first name by a high school student who is not related to me and I was kind of shocked at the student who did go straight to, “Texan.”

      3. Lilysparrow*

        For that generation, definitely go with this approach. They will probably invite you to use first names, but until fairly recently, first names were considered a consent issue – it’s probably going to be fine, but getting permission is important.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I personally would open with “Dear Ms. Smith” for any first-contact email with someone of higher authority/status no matter their age. When they send you a reply and sign it with their first name (which they almost surely will), then I think future emails can be Dear First Name or Hi First Name.

    3. hope is hopeful*

      I would use “Dear Carol” and then mimic whatever greeting back, so if she uses “Hi Clara” in her reply, I would then use “Hi Carol” thereafter.

    4. Anonomo*

      I like opeing with “Hello X,” or “Hello Ms. X,” when its more formal. Less stuffy than using “Dear” but more structured than “Hi”, and it seems friendly and upbeat right off the bat.

    6. Teapot Academic Advisor*

      I would strongly suggest Dear Ms Smith. She’ll sign off ‘Carol’ and then you write subsequent replies ‘Dear Carol’. In the UK at least, you can also write ‘Dear Carol (if I may)’ in some circumstances, but it wouldn’t be my preference here.

      I’m sure that they shouldn’t mark you down for writing Dear Carol or Hello, because everyone will understand that this type of letter is new for you. However, since you’ve checked, you might as well get it right.

      1. ... cats and dogs*

        Or if they are a PhD or MD I would address them as Dr. Otherwise agree with Ms./Mr.

  50. Foreign Octopus*

    Book thread!

    What’s everyone reading this week?

    As I mention upthread in a separate post, I finished A Discovery of Witches and was disappointed by it so I moved onto the ninth Amelia Peabody (of which I’ve happily got my mum into), and now I’m about to start Sunset Song by Lewis Grassic Gibbon.

    1. TheWorstEmployeeInTheWorld*

      I just started American Fire: Love, Arson, and Life in a Vanishing Land by Monica Hesse. I’m hooked already! I just might add this one to my book club’s reading list.

      “The arsons started on a cold November midnight and didn’t stop for months. Night after night, the people of Accomack County waited to see which building would burn down next, regarding each other at first with compassion, and later suspicion. Monica Hesse spent years investigating the story, emerging with breathtaking portraits of the arsonists—troubled addict Charlie Smith and his girlfriend, Tonya Bundick. Tracing the shift in their relationship from true love to crime spree, Hesse also conjures the once-thriving coastal community, decimated by a punishing economy and increasingly suspicious of their neighbors as the culprits remained at large.”

    2. Extra Vitamins*

      I’ve just started “Greener Than You Think” (Ward Moore). It’s sort of satire, the end of the world brought on by a fertilized lawn.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I bought the Shardlake over Christmas and need to start it. I did enjoy the other books in the series though.

    4. AdAgencyChick*

      “Debussy: A Painter in Sound” by Stephen Walsh. I’m in a performing group that will be doing some Debussy in a couple of months, so I thought it would be good to get to know more about him.

    5. Mrs. Fenris*

      I just finished “Severance” by Ling Ma. (It’s for a book club I just joined on Meetup, so on Wednesday night I’m going to meet a group of total strangers to discuss the book, so that’s not awkward at all. :-) Especially since I really didn’t like the book that much, so I’m kind of intrigued to see what the rest of them think.) Anyway, it alternates between flashbacks of a disaffected Chinese-American woman’s life and the current “Walking Dead”-like post-apocalyptic reality. I think it’s supposed to be sort of allegorical about our shallow consumer culture and blah blah, but it just came off as whiny to me.

        2. Look Out Below*

          I absolutely adore Station Eleven so that is high praise to my ears! I’ll definitely need to check out this book!

      2. Doctor is In*

        In my book club, half the fun is discussing what we did not like about the book! Enjoy.

      3. A*

        A post above about joining meet-ups convinced me that I need to stop being lazy and work obsessed and make some friends in the city we moved to a year ago. I found a book club through meet-up and I am so excited! I usually have to mentally prepare myself for parties and such, but I could talk about books for the rest of my life and be happy.

    6. hope is hopeful*

      Two on the go – one is a dip in, dip out non fiction book called “An Unkindness of Ravens: A Book of Collective Nouns” by Chloe Rhodes which is basically summarising where collective nouns such as “a murder of crows” and “gaggle of geese” come from.
      Second one is “All the Hidden Truths” by Claire Askew about a shooting at a college. May be too close for comfort for some but I thought it very good at telling the story from multiple view points as to why it may have happened – and what secrets the families involved may be hiding.

    7. CatCat*

      Oh, I didn’t care for “A Discovery of Witches” either so you’re not alone on that.

      I am getting toward the end of “Crazy Rich Asians” and have been really enjoying it and am looking forward to watching the movie after finishing the book.

    8. catsaway*

      I just finished Empire of Sand by Tasha Suri. It’s a fantasy book by a new author, takes place in a south Asian like setting and I really liked the story and characters. She has another book coming out that set in the same world but starring a minor character from the first book. I’m looking forward to it.

    9. Akcipitrokulo*

      I read sunset song for my o-grade English… while it is wonderful and beautiful language, the way the English/Scottish dichotomy was presented rubbed me up the wrong way more than a bit!

    10. Akcipitrokulo*

      Just finished Carpet Diem… again :)

      Not sure what to move onto next – I got the first Rivers of London book for christmas so think that in the morning!

    11. Aurora Leigh*

      I’m rereading To Say Nothing of the Dog by Connie Willis.

      If you like time travel and literary books, and witty humor, I strongly reccomend! :)

    12. Look Out Below*

      I just started To Kill A Kingdom by Alexandra Christo. Killer mermaids and a twist on the Little Mermaid tale. I’m enjoying it so far!

    13. New Bee*

      I just finished Nine Perfect Strangers–I liked it!

      I only read part of The Souls of Yellow Folk. It had the same issue I had with Bad Feminist–some of the essays felt outdated. But “Paper Tigers” and the one on Eddie Huang were good.

    14. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

      I just finished Jo Nesbø’s Macbeth retelling, which was good but not as imaginative as I wanted it to be, I think.

      I also finished Empty Mansions, the book about Huguette Clark and it was absolutely fascinating! Loved it!

      And I’m rereading Lord of the Rings where the fellowship has just set out from Rivendell.

    15. Bluebell*

      Just started “The Mere Wife” by Maria Dahvana Bradley. Updated Beowulf and so far very good!

    16. gecko*

      A lot of firsts-in-series books this week. I loved The Bear and the Nightingale by Elizabeth Arden and The Thief by Megan Whalen Turner. The former is a really compelling fantasy novel set in Russia with a really compellingly courageous main character—I think I was really impressed with it because that character was so far from an everyman type and the author was able to make her genuinely extraordinary.

      A lot more disappointed by The City of Brass by S A Chakraborty, since I felt like it had so many cool ideas but needed a plot overhaul.

      1. gecko*

        This week I’ll be reading more Megan Whalen Turner for sure, and Fraud, a nonfiction book about trends in fraud & deceptive business practices in America. Interesting stuff though very heavy on the econ so far for someone who does not really grok the stock market.

      2. Marion Ravenwood*

        The Bear and the Nightingale is so good! It’s so different from a ‘typical’ fantasy novel and I’m really intrigued to see where the story goes next. I have the next one on my to-read list and am eagerly anticipating the third one (it comes out later this month).

        1. gecko*

          Yes!!! Not to be too spoilery to anyone driving by, but I think it’s an extraordinary thing to have a main character like Vasya who is largely just…untroubled by doubt. And knows (and does) what she needs to do. I’m also interested to read the second novel since there was so much external perspective in the first, and i think that contributed to Vasya’s absolute dynamism.

    17. Marion Ravenwood*

      I just finished A Million Years In A Day by Greg Jenner. It’s a non-fiction book similar to Bill Bryson’s Home – set over a typical Saturday, it covers how everyday habits and activities (eating, washing, sleeping, looking after pets, brushing teeth, going to the loo etc) have evolved over time. The style is very gentle and humorous and I like that there are lots of little asides too, eg a segue into the history of ice cream.

      I’m now re-reading The Book Thief for my book club next week. It’s a few years since I read it but I’m enjoying rediscovering it – Death’s voice is so unique and the descriptions are sparse yet really vivid.

      Oh, and I’m reading a chapter a day of War And Peace.

  51. Mazzy*

    Has anyone ever cashed out a 401(k)? I have a question about how the taxes work. Let’s say I have $10,000. Do I pay the 10% penalty on the 10,000 and then income taxes on the 10,000? Or do I pay the 10% penalty on the 10,000 and then only pay income taxes on the $9000 that would be remaining?

    I found countless tax help articles that right out that there is a penalty and you pay tax but they don’t write out which scenario of the above it is and it’s bothering me!

    I have a couple of 401(k) accounts and I’m rolling over one into my current jobs account but I really want to cash out another one and put it in my private investment account, mostly because my private account has done much better than the 401(k)s that I’ve had from previous jobs and have much lower fees and higher dividends. And I don’t want all of my money stuck until I’m 59 and I’m really unhappy with that one account from an old job and not extremely thrilled with my options at the current job. I just wanted to explain why I’m asking this so it doesn’t start a debate on how what I’m doing isn’t good. I’m tired of having no control over my money and seeing single dollars of dividends come in and limited growth and fees has left me beyond frustrated especially as my private money is getting thousands in investment income, and I don’t even have that much.

    1. fposte*

      Without getting into the whether you should remove the money or not, I’ll note that the differences you describe are almost certainly dependent on fund choices you’ve made (active vs. passive and asset allocations) rather than on the 401k vs. taxable question (and dividends 1) are automatically reinvested in a tax-advantaged account and 2) aren’t an overall advantage in contemporary investing unless your account is with someplace that makes buck from our withdrawals, in which case the location of the account and not the withdrawals are the problem). I would highly, highly recommend taking your portfolio over to bogleheads dot org and listing your available 401k fund possibilities with expenses and ERs included for some input before you cost yourself money needlessly.

      That being said, sometimes it’s worth doing something for psychological reasons anyway. And the answer to your first question is that both the tax and the penalty are levied on the full withdrawal amount; the penalty is basically an additional tax.

    2. It’s me*

      You would pay the 10% penalty and income taxes on the full $10,000. You might also want to know that some plans will withhold 20% on the distribution for federal income taxes but I’m not sure if yours will do that or if you can change that. So this would work like withholding on your W-2 when you go to file your return this year.

    3. CurrentlyLooking*

      Look into rolling into an IRA. You can have complete control over how it is invested and will not incur any taxes or penalties.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, this is the best possible solution. While not all plans will let you do this, most places will once you’ve stopped working for them.

      2. Khaleesi Esq.*

        Yes, this. I do understand OP’s irritation though. But I did once cash out a 401(k) when I was young — I don’t remember how the penalty and tax applied, but I do remember thinking that it wasn’t worth it, that the penalty and tax combined came close to slicing the takeaway amount pretty much in half. I don’t remeber the details, maybe that is overstatement, but I remember thinking the government took as a penalty for early withdrawal every last penny my employer had matched, and that it probably was no accident that it was structured that way, and that was before the tax.

    4. Anon from the Bronx*

      The 10% penalty & income tax is levied on the full $10,000. Additionally, your plan will be required to withhold 20% from your withdrawal if you are not rolling over to an IRA so you will only receive $8000 in this case. The penalty is not withheld at time of distribution but is due when filing your tax return. There may also be required state tax withholding.

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      You could also do a rollover into a IRA/Roth IRA (as appropriate), and then you’ll have the same investment options as your private account. Maybe solve the problem and save some money :)

  52. Hadrian*

    Is there anyone here who has had their in ground pool filled in or removed?

    I live in a very HCOL area and I got lucky by driving by a house as the sign and listing went up. I was able to make them an offer before anyone else and since the owner just wanted to sell as soon as possible (she was moving into an independent seniors residence) she took it because I did go over asking. I had been looking for over a year and was constantly getting outbid as homes would go for hundreds of thousands.

    My only problem with the house is that is has an in ground pool. I absolutely do not want a pool. The pool and surrounding stones take up the entire backyard. There is no grass or room to do anything. My house insurance is astronomical. I am also worried about accidents. Someone I know had some neighbourhood kids sneak into his pool one night and due to alcohol one of them almost drowned. She needs 24 hour now and it was a legal nightmare from the lawsuit that my friend was hit with.

    I can’t just drain and cover it because my insurance company won’t reduce my insurance unless it is gone completely. I am looking into the best way to get rid of it. Looking around, I see I can have it filled in or removed. Is there a difference? The cost of either is expensive so I want to make sure I have all the angles covered. Also any tips for dealing with my neighbors? The previous owner let anyone on the block come over to swim whenever they wanted and when one of my neighbors found I was getting rid of it during causal conversation she was upset and told a few other people and they are also upset with me now. I am living here for the long hall because it’s so HCOL here I can’t afford anything else besides a small place with a few roommates. Any advice on pool removal for me would be appreciated.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve never had an in-ground pool, but I guess if the cost is the same either way then I’d just have it removed completely. If it costs less to fill it in, I’m guessing you could use the perimeter (both the pool and the surrounding rocks) to serve kind of as a border and plant a nice flower garden, shrubs, etc. within. Make a nice landscape feature out of it.

      I just have to say, it boggles my mind that your neighbors care about *someone else’s* pool this much. They have to know that the original owner no longer lives there, right? I mean, I could understand a little disappointment that they’re losing this cool perk of being able to use they’re neighbor’s pool anytime they want, but…it’s not their pool!

      1. Kat in VA*

        I’m a little weirded out by this too. It’s THEIR house, THEIR pool, THEIR insurance rates…who are the neighbors to give Hadrian static over what they do with their pool? What if Hadrian doesn’t want to let people come over to swim “whenever they want”? What if the only thing Hadrian wants that pool for is to float little rubbber duckies and lotus flowers in as an art installation?

        I am always amused (amazed?) at people who get testy over perceived entitlements to other people’s things / time / attention / money / whatever. Like, it’s MY pool and if I want to fill it with Jello and razorblades, YOU, my Entitled Neighbor Buddy, have no say whatsoever!

        I have an in-ground pool and even if the previous tenants allowed people to use it whenever, I certainly would NOT.

        I’m an introvert to the bone and also one of those people who worries about *everything*, so having people over all the time to swim (shudder) and the thought of someone bonking their head / passing out from heat stroke / getting bitten by a copperhead / slipping on the pool deck / abducted by aliens / you get the point…no. I would not enjoy that pool at all.

        Also, again – it’s my damn house and my damn pool and I’ll do whatever I (legally) want with it…right up to and including filling it in and putting a garden on top of it. The nerve of people!

        /drags away irritated soapbox

    2. AdAgencyChick*

      Sheesh. If someone has the gall to complain to your face about the pool going away, I’d ask, “Oh, were you planning to contribute for my homeowner’s insurance and pool maintenance, then?”

    3. Lilysparrow*

      No specific advice, but one downside of just having it filled in would be drainage. If you get heavy rain, the water in the old pool area will have nowhere to go and will back up under the soil until it reaches the drains. Which will probably get blocked with fill dirt.

      Sounds like a setup for a lot of problems.

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      If you fill it in, you need to break up the bottom sufficiently to allow for proper drainage. Otherwise you could end up with a swamp.

      And re the neighbors – they’re being ridiculous. They will get over it, or not. Just be polite and let them figure out that they’re in the wrong.

    5. Ann Furthermore*

      Our last house had an in ground pool. We went to fill it up one spring at discovered there was some kind of leak somewhere. My husband eliminated everything except an issue with the underground plumbing, at which point we decided to fill it in. It wasn’t concrete, it had some kind of vinyl liner and underneath that was tightly compacted sand. He tore out the liner, borrowed a bobcat from work, and called a local quarry type place and told them to keep bringing truckloads of sand and gravel until he told them to stop. The pool was about 18 x 36 feet, and it took about 15 truckloads to fill in the hole. Then we put in a fire pit.

    6. Not A Manager*

      Don’t worry too much about the the neighbors. My advice going forward is to be very bland if anyone brings it up. Don’t explain yourself or give reasons, because they will see that as an invitation to argue with you. “I’m still looking into it. I’m not sure which will be more affordable in the long run.” “Yes, this is a lovely climate for an outdoor pool. On the other hand, it’s a nice area for a big backyard too. Still thinking about it!”

      Once the pool is gone, it’s gone, and while people might be upset at least they won’t have the fantasy that their anger will change your mind.

      Going forward, I wouldn’t discuss ANY future plans in detail with people. Neighbors tend to feel territorial about (your) streetscape, (your) house paint colors, (your) future additions, etc. If it fits within the HOA/zoning and it’s objectively not an obnoxious thing to do (like blocking all of your neighbor’s light or something), just do it.

      When you’re done with your move-in and renovations/landscaping, invite the neighbors over for an open house with some kind of light booze and snacks. Everyone likes to see what you’ve done. A few people might hold a grudge, but hopefully not many.

    7. Nana*

      DD bought a house with a pool that had been filled-in. [Seller didn’t mention a pool had been there.] They had terrible trouble with sitting water, because it had been filled in…no holes in the bottom, nothing. Determine the safest and most-effective way to do this; probably not a ‘do it yourself’ project. Insurance decreases; peace-of-mind increases — it’s a win-win for you.
      Suggest neighbors build their own pool/s!

  53. TheWorstEmployeeInTheWorld*

    Is there a trick to finding dress shoes that don’t slip off your feet? I’ve never had any luck with flats or pumps because my heel always pops out of the shoe. All of my dress shoes are open toed ones with straps across the top, which isn’t ideal for job interviewing in the winter. Is this just a sizing issue and I should be sizing down? I have wide feet with splayed toes so am reluctant to size down so much that my toes are crunched at the front since that’s just not how they’re shaped. I’ve tried various inserts and nothing seems to work. I’m tempted to stuff newspaper in the toe to keep my foot from moving forward but there’s got to be a better way. Any tricks I’m missing?

        1. TheWorstEmployeeInTheWorld*

          I wasn’t sure if ankle boots, no matter how cute, would be a dressy enough style to pair with an interview outfit. My usual style is very casual so this is all new to me!

          1. Natalie*

            Absolutely. “Ankle boot” isn’t an inherently casual style like a sneaker, it’s going to be determined by the details of the show. If you find a simple/classic design in black or brown leather, that’s perfectly fine.

      2. TheWorstEmployeeInTheWorld*

        I have tried that and it helped, but didn’t fully alleviate the problem. Maybe that in conjunction with another trick would work.

      3. Kat in VA*

        +1. It sounds like TWEITW has a narrow heel, and you can buy silicone or fabric-covered heel guards for very reasonable prices on Amazon. It’s basically a curved strip of silicone with a sticky back and it adds enough thickness to keep a narrow heel from popping out of the back.

        Also a full foot insole (hey, Amazon!) in conjunction with the heel guard might work. Fortunately they’re inexpensive and come in packs with different types (heel guards, full sole, quarter sized “dots”, ball of foot pads, etc) so you can try out different combos.

        Failing that…yeah. Ankle boots.

    2. heckofabecca*

      The trick for me was finding the right kind of shoe inserts! I have a relatively narrow heel as well, and pretty much every flat is a no-go without heel inserts. I forget what mine specifically are called, but if you google “back of heel cushions” you’ll find some options. Good luck!

    3. fposte*

      Ah, a fellow duckfoot. I think a lot of us with wide feet go wide at the instep, but wide shoes tend to be wider at the heels as well, hence the problem. Would you be willing to list what inserts you’ve tried? And does this happen barefoot and with socks, and have you tried socks of different textures?

      1. TheWorstEmployeeInTheWorld*

        Glad to hear my mutant feet and I aren’t alone! I joke that my duck feet give me excellent balance. It’s been a while since I tried them but I tried heel inserts, some inserts around the ball of the foot, and a complete foot insert. I haven’t tried socks because I was hesitant to try anything that will show. I should probably get over that and try it. Is it possible there are grippy textured socks out there?

        1. fposte*

          That last is a good question. I would stay away from nylon-type smooth dress socks, that’s for sure.

          There are different kinds of heel inserts. If you’ve only tried the ones that are a strip around the top back of the vamp, it might be worth trying the kind where that strip extends to undersole components (if you search on Amazon for “heel inserts kefee” [that name is one brand] you should see some examples).

          I also think people have a point about trying shoes with a higher vamp or with straps. Dress flats for women tend to be cut very low on the foot, which leaves more room for foot movement and thus slippage. If you search shopstyle dot com for “high vamp flat” you can see a few that cut higher, which might be worth trying if you really want to stick with dress flats. However, I’ve still found shoes, whether flat or pumps, with an instep strap to be sooo much more comfortable for my feet. If you look on Zappo’s, they have a “Mary Jane” filter for flats; they don’t have one for pumps, but if you type in “Mary Jane pumps” it brings them up nicely nonetheless. I would recommend Clark’s and Naturalizer particularly in brands that include wide widths. (I’m assuming you are actually buying shoes in a W width and not just going up in length to fit your toes? Because if you’re just going up in length, start looking at wide widths instead.)

    5. HannahS*

      I use either loafers, oxfords, or boots. I don’t find that flats have enough support, personally, and because those types of shoes cover your foot more, I’ve never had a problem. They can be hard to find, though.

    6. Middle School Teacher*

      Another vote for Mary Janes. I can’t wear regular pumps either, my feet just cramp up from the effort of keeping them on. But there are brands that make extremely nice dress shoes that aren’t pumps.

    7. CurrentlyLooking*

      I have similar type feet and the lady at the expensive shoe store for problem feet suggested buying regular – not wide – shoes and stretching them in the toes.

      Besides that I have found that shoes with a strap higher up (likeMary Janes) or mules work much better.

    8. catsaway*

      Nice oxfords or loafers (especially for winter, you can much more easily wear socks with them). Nordstroms has a section for oxfords and loafers so you can look there to see if there’s anything that strikes your fancy. Clarks, Rockport and Naturalizer are all brands known for comfortable women’s dress (party and business) shoes and they have wide widths.

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have feet that are wide at the ball and narrow at the heels, and one is a half size larger than the other to boot. The only flats I have found that I don’t walk out of are Rothy’s rounded toe flats. They’re super comfy – like, I’ve done double-digit miles in them at theme parks multiple times and just did 25 minutes in them on the elliptical this morning – but also look nice with jeans or skirts.

      1. TheWorstEmployeeInTheWorld*

        I’ve been tempted by those ever since ads started popping up in my Facebook feed. Thanks for the recommendation!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          They do have a 30 day return period as long as you haven’t worn them outside, so maybe wandering around inside your house with them is an option to test? I haven’t tried any of their other styles except the loafer – the loafer was comfy, but I’m weird about shoes and pants and overlap of same and the loafer style was in the perfect sweet spot of both too high and not high enough, so I returned them (and bought the grey and blue spotted flats instead, hah).

          If you do decide to give them a shot and wanted a few bucks off, I have a $20 off referral link in my handle – I would also get $20 off if you use it, but I don’t think it like, sends me your email info or anything, but of course no obligation or expectations or whatnot. (Just, I know they’re a little pricy!)

      2. Kat in VA*

        I’ve been considering Rothy’s forever (I’m a Heels or Die type for work but there are occasions where flats would just work better) but I’ve heard they can get ULTRA stinky. How do you combat the stinkiness?

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I don’t find that they get stinky any more than regular shoes, but the shoes and the insoles both are machine washable. I’ve washed all the insoles in the machine with no problems. I haven’t machine-washed the shoes yet, but I have rinsed them in the tub after a day at Disneyworld, they dried overnight, no problems there either. (They do strongly advise that you avoid heat-drying, so I’ve always just airdried all parts.)

    10. Snow Drift*

      I have triangle feet, which sounds like what you’re describing: narrow heels, very wide bridges with outward-jutting toes. Basically fleshy pizza slices on the ends of my legs.

      If you don’t mind paying for shipping from the UK, John Lewis makes pantyhose with grippy silicone on the bottom of the feet. They hold pumps in place pretty well for me.

      Also, Pedag makes slim leather insoles, and the one called Queen is made specifically for splayed feet.

    11. TheWorstEmployeeInTheWorld*

      Thanks for the tips, everyone! Sounds like I have some more shoe shopping to do. I’ll see what I can find with a strap or more coverage in the toe area.

      1. Dr. Anonymous*

        Payless has a wide suede Mary Jane with a high heel that looks like an adult shoe. I also use a foam heel liner across the back of the shoe in those cheap Payless flats. Good luck! I have the mutant duck foot as well.

    12. Marion Ravenwood*

      Another vote for Mary Janes. I have flat and heeled pairs (the heels are quite chunky with a slightly more pointed toe so don’t look too childish) and they are my go-to interview/fancy work event shoes. Sketchers used to do a Go-Walk black suede Mary Jane flat, so that could be worth a look if they still make them.

  54. The Other Dawn*

    Who here has had radio frequency ablation for back pain and would like to tell me about your experience? I remember a person or two mentioning it awhile back when I said I was considering it, but can’t remember who it was or when I posted.

    I’m currently waiting on the new insurance to authorize the procedure, but I’m thinking it will be done in the next few weeks.

    The doctor’s assistant said that I’ll “hardly feel it”, it will be just as easy as the medial branch blocks I had to diagnose the facet joint pain and will be the same process except a different needle type, and that the whole thing takes about 15 minutes, which includes prep time. I can go back to work the next day. I have to be honest: I don’t for one minute believe that I’ll hardly feel it. Maybe it’s just me being nervous, but I can’t imagine not feeling a needle vibrating across the nerve to create a lesion. That just sounds painful to me. My plan is to take a Percocet before I go, just in case.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      This may or may not be helpful. I have done some acupuncture. The odd thing I noticed is that when the needle goes into the center of the pain, the pain lessens, quickly and substantially. So through that experience I can understand why the assistant might say you will hardly feel it. Maybe you can ask for a topical pain killer?

    2. Buffay the Vampire Layer*

      I had it for hip pain. It worked wonders for about 3 months and then my nerves regrew and a second procedure wasn’t successful.
      Yes, it will hurt a bit getting done, but not a good idea to try to dull that pain. At least for me, I had to be able to tell the doctors where I felt the electrical zaps so they would know which nerves to kill and which to leave alone.
      Even though it didn’t last all that long, I’d 100% do it over again for those few pain free months.

    3. Kat in VA*

      Usually they offer Valium or a similar relaxant before the process. You do need to be awake so they can determine which nerves to “burn out” with the procedure.

      I know two types of folks who have had RFA – those for whom it did absolutely nothing and those for whom it was a godsend. Spines are complex and cranky (I’ve had three neck fusions, myself).

      I do know if you had success with the medial branch blocks (if they got rid of the pain, even if only such time until the marcaine wore off), then your chances of RFA working well are greatly increased.

      I hope this works for you. Between my neck and the husband’s lumbar issues (he’s fused from L4-S1), I am nothing but sympathetic toward spine issues.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Hmm. They didn’t mention anything about needing to find the right nerves. I had eight injections for the branch blocks–two at each lumbar level (L2-L5)–and they said that they’d do all eight at once and the RFA would be in those same spots. I have to wait until the authorization comes in anyway, so I can ask the assistant to call me once I schedule.

        I’m looking at an L5-S1 fusion when the time comes. I still get some pain from the disc pushing against my sciatic nerve, but the facet joint pain is worse these days (didn’t know I even had it until they did the branch blocks!) so I’ll take care of that and then see how I feel.

  55. Pupper Troubles*

    I’m dog-sitting the family dog this weekend at my mom’s house while she’s settling my grandma into her new assisted living place. The pup was set up for a bath and nail trim at a pet salon we’ve never been to. When I went in, there was only one groomer working and she told me to walk into the back because she had a dog in the tub who she couldn’t leave alone. I gave her the rundown of what my doggo needed. She said she had to put my contact info into the computer and asked if I could stand with the dog in tub so he wouldn’t jump away. I did, and nothing happened, but it only occurred to me after the appointment that this was a dog I didn’t know and I could have been bitten by a dog in stressful situation (he was not enjoying his bath). I jumped in to help because she was acting solo in the salon, and I’m a helpful person by nature who loves dogs but afterwards It occurred that I could have ended my day with waiting to talk to the dog’s owner about their vaccination history, because I wanted to help.

    1. misspiggy*

      Interesting. I think I would have left when the request was made, because a pet salon with only one person to supervise is not well managed.

      On the other hand, you don’t want to always squash the impulse to help, because one can end up behaving callously. Difficult.

  56. AnonYellingNeighbor*

    Ugh. A guy in my apartment building yells/screams at his wife all the time. This week it went on for hours and hours laye at night so we talked about it and called the police. I dunno if I did the right thing but at least the yelling stopped? I know some DV advocates say don’t call the police but on the other hand I don’t want to sit back and just let this woman get screamed at for hours (and I can’t be kept up (or have my kid kept up) at night by his screaming). I have a young kid and am not in a place to get personally involved at all. But the reality of what you can do is really limited.

    1. valentine*

      I get it, but he will blame her for it and having a noise complaint against her address could also hurt her. Contact RAINN or another hotline about what you can do as a bystander.

      1. AnonYellingNeighbor*

        We reported it as a potential DV situation, not a noise complaint. I had read about a case locally where neighbors heard a guy beating his wife to death and didn’t call so I don’t want to be that guy either.

        I googled options and there wasn’t one that I felt I could do. To be blunt, I do not feel comfortable approaching her at all. I hope the cops gave her some resources but there is no good place for me to leave any flyers or similar. I do not feel safe going to their door.

        Meanwhile I selfishly can’t live with this either, this guy scares my kid and I have to put on other noises to drown him out so she can sleep.

        1. Episkey*

          I don’t think you should feel especially guilty here. Yes, I have tons of sympathy for her if she’s in an abusive relationship, but it’s your home too. As a parent of a small child, I would not be able to tolerate noise that kept my kid up at night.

        2. Lilysparrow*

          You are not being selfish. You are morally obligated to protect your own child first.

          The wife in this scenario is a victim and deserves empathy, but she is also an adult. Your social duty to help her does not include allowing your own child to be terrorized.

        3. Observer*

          You have nothing to feel guilty for.

          I don’t think anything you did made the situation worse for her – sure it’s possible he’ll blame her for it, but he’ll find something ELSE to blame her for it you don’t call. He’s obviously been finding something to scream at her for, for hours at a time.

          But calling a local DV advocacy group for advice is a good idea. Because odds are that it’s going to happen again and you’d like to be as effective as possible – although ultimately what you can do is limited.

    3. Laika*

      Ugh, that’s rough. I don’t have any recommendations, but the last apartment I lived in had a similar situation and can offer my sympathies. Our upstairs neighbours had screaming matches too and it’s such an awful feeling when you don’t know what to do, if it’s the right thing to do, if you can help, etc, all on top of the fact that a neighbour’s shouting (regardless of reason) is really disruptive.

    5. Anonno*

      Unpopular opinion here. As someone who has lived through DV and has sought support afterwards, I’ve noticed a trend of organizations recommending against involving law enforcement. I’m sure there are times when they do. But I think what you heard might be part of a broader approach to dealing with things. Speaking only for myself, I wish someone had called the cops. I wasn’t in a good position to, and I think it would have improved the outcome. I think the good versus bad of it is situation-dependent and a matter of personal preference. So you did the right thing out of several options that also would have been the right thing.

  57. Trixie*

    With the New Year, I had first appointment for orthodontic retainer. Starting with just lower teeth for now and can look at upper teeth in the future. Felt great to use flex spending funds and with any luck, my dental insurance will kick in for reimbursement. Just need to see how the claims process turns out.

    My mom is also looking at orthodontics but her teeth are severe enough she may need more permanent hardware for period of time. The first consult told her she HAD to have braces on upper and lower, even though her upper teeth look fine. I encouraged her to ask for a few more opinions.

    1. Enough*

      Having to do both is understandable as the alignment changes as the teeth get moved and the May not meet properly which can cause more problems. But a second opinion is good.

    2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Second opinion is good. I tried invisalign (at one of the founding/ feeder schools for the development) and it took longer – and ultimately I had to go to wires on top – for my front overlap/twisted tooth. It would have been faster and ultimately simpler to have done a combo from the outset, and I would have saved six months of extra visits. They didn’t charge more (I had a fixed price for the correction regardless)… but my time, both in the chair and to travel there, grew increasingly costly as my job was getting busier. And I wanted to be done. Just not all tools work for all purposes.

  58. HannahS*

    This is about weight loss and emotional well-being, so skip past if you’re trying to avoid that topic!

    Guys, I hate trying to lose weight. As a chronically ill person, my relationship with my appearance is actually pretty good–I don’t care that I’m overweight, I just wish I felt better, you know? I generally don’t have the bandwidth to worry about my thighs or whatever. But my weight’s been creeping up and up and it’s starting to be physically uncomfortable and I think I need to kind of re-set down to a healthier weight, which might also help some of the pain in my hips and knees. I don’t mind the process of meal planning and logging calories in an app, but I find that paying attention to my weight awakens every bodily insecurity I had as a teenager. I just start caring about being thin in a way that I haven’t since I was in high school. It’s all these snippy intrusive thoughts that just pop into my head and I hate how they make me feel, and while I’m able to deal with it. it takes emotional energy that I don’t really have to spare right now.

    It really highlights for me how insidious our cultural messages about being thin are. I mean, I start having all these thoughts that I don’t even believe! That no one in my family believes! I’m out here living my best life, and all of a sudden when I try to lose weight WHAM I’m struck with this intense longing for a thigh gap, which I will never have because I’m not built that way–even when the women in my family are 100 lbs, there is no thigh gap, because we’re pear shaped. And anyway I’d love to have some gorgeously chunky muscled quads! Who put this thought into my head?! I don’t want it!

    1. Kendra*

      If you’re on Instagram, @bodyposipanda is a very helpful body-positive account about being comfortable with yourself and not listening to cultural messages about what you’re “supposed” to look like. It’s generally very opposed to the idea of losing weight, but overall it might help counteract the feeling bad about yourself.

      As far as keeping track of weight, maybe you could try using units that you’re used to? Like if you’re used to pounds, try keeping track in kilograms so there’s not so many emotions attached to the specific number. You could also see if there’s some kind of fancy scale that you can weigh yourself and it will send the numbers to your phone and keep track for you without you having to even look at it.

    2. Lilysparrow*

      I understand exactly what you mean!

      What works for me is to *not* track weight, but to track health-related metrics that will achieve the same benefit (healthy lifestyle = feeling better, lower risks).

      So for example: blood pressure, minutes of exercise, ounces of water, hours of sleep, grams of fiber, mg of sodium, servings of vegetables, and so forth.

      Weight is only a useful health metric when it reveals the cumulative effect of helpful/unhelpful behavior. Find other ways to measure the behavior, and the health will result no matter what the scale says.

      1. valentine*

        What if you track nothing and quietly increase movement you enjoy? If you want to change what you eat as well, be sure to choose things you enjoy, especially if you enjoy them more than what you’re avoiding. But let it be dance or swimming and food and don’t use the terms exercise or diet.

        1. LilySparrow*

          Because I’m 47 years old and I know myself rather damn well by now. “Quietly increasing things I enjoy” has never, ever actually worked. It sounds lovely but nothing happens unless I intentionally change it with a specific goal and keep track of whether it really happened outside my head.

          For me personally, I don’t have any philosophical or emotional issues around goal-setting in general, and I don’t need to trick myself or disguise the fact that I want to exercise more and eat better quality food to feel better and live longer. I’m comfortable with that. I like exercising and I like the way it makes me feel.

          However, I have an enormous capacity to kid myself and a poor sense of the passage of time. I can tell myself I’m going to jog or go to the gym or whatever, but unless I actually look at the calendar and make notes, I can go weeks at a time doing nothing without realizing it’s been that long.

          Same thing with blood pressure (which I actually do need to keep an eye on) and other things. If I don’t write it down, I will not remember whether it’s actually improving.

          When I track, I do. When I stop tracking, I stop doing. But as soon as it’s about “weight loss”, that’s when the crazybrain starts up.

          1. HannahS*

            Yes, exactly this, thank you LilySparrow. I actually do need to lose weight and it actually is going to have to come from consuming fewer calories. In order to accomplish that. I do have to actually track the calories I’m consuming and the exercise I get. This isn’t really a global health thing–I sleep ok, my blood pressure is excellent, my mood is good, and my water consumption isn’t the issue. I’ve just gained a lot of weight over my late teens and twenties and now it’s time for it to go, and I know how to do it. I just wish it wasn’t so fraught.

      2. Square Root Of Minus One*

        Exactly!

        If you’re uncomfortable tracking your weight, you can even simply track how you generally feel. Did you sleep well, have any kind of ache (stomach, back, legs, whatever pertinent), do you notice a change with your clothing. The metrics above are good.

      3. HannahS*

        Yeah, I wonder if continuing to not own a scale is the right way to go, and just keep it about “Did I stick with my meal plan?” and “Did I do my physio/exercise?” week by week, and track weight quarterly.

        1. Observer*

          That could work – it’s well worth trying. Because if you do those thing, your weight should go down, and your focus stays on the things you are doing not the weight (even though that’s the thing you ultimately need to change.)

          It seems to be working reasonably well for me.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Set the thought about gorgeous bod to one side for a short bit. Our brains blend random things together and confuse the crap out of us. How about eating to help you with your health concerns? What foods would support your body the best? Once I switched to eating to meet my health concerns the weight fell off. I will never be Miss America, but I felt better. And some how that mattered more and the Miss America stuff fell off my radar.

  59. Anonadog*

    I have been noticing a lot of writing and spoken language lately that omits the “to be” part of a sentence. Example: “That needs upgraded.” Is this a new convention, or just one I have only suddenly become aware of?

    1. fposte*

      It’s a long-term regionalism in some parts of the U.S., but I think it may actually have grown a little with the contagion of the internet. I don’t use it, but I kind of like it.

      1. Anonadog*

        I went from never being aware of it to encountering it a dozen times this week. I wondered if there was some new meme or something that had suddenly popularized it!

            1. Sparrow*

              It is a Western PA thing. My dad (Western PA) and my mom (Eastern PA) playfully argue about it all the time

            2. Temperance*

              It’s a western/central PA thing. The phrase “needs done” grates on me so darn much.

            3. MsChanandlerBong*

              Yep, it’s a Western PA thing. I went to school in Pittsburgh and had a roommate from that part of the state. She would say things like, “This needs washed.”

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I hear it a lot in Indiana (I am not from here) and it drives me absolutely batty.

    5. Lady Kelvin*

      Its the only part of my Pittsburgh accent that I haven’t dropped and I don’t plan to. :) I just don’t see the need, other languages don’t use it. I also took diction classes in college to drop the rest, so now I have a nice neutral midwestern accent with a sprinkle of Pittsburghese. :D

    6. Jen Erik*

      We do this in N. Ireland – used to drive my English husband mad. (“This needs ironing.” “Needs to be ironed, my dear.” )
      I think many of the Scots-Irish did settle in Pennsylvania, so perhaps they took the usage with them.

      1. Anonadog*

        I think what you wrote is grammatically correct and the use of a gerund (“-ing”)? The construction I’ve been noticing as applied to your example would be “This needs ironed.”

      2. Bismuth*

        It’s a German construction — lots of Germans migrated to the area — but yes, there were Scots-Irish too. So it’s very common. I’d agree that “This needs ironing” was grammatically correct. And boo to having someone correct your grammar all the time, especially since it’s just a regionalism that doesn’t match his.

  60. anon for this one*

    So. I had planned to come out to my parents this past holiday season. And I lost my nerve. Again.

    I’m 32. I’ve known I was bi since my mid twenties, but didn’t really get comfortable with my sexuality until my late twenties. I didn’t work up the courage to go on dates with other women until I hit 30.

    My two younger brothers know and have been supportive in their awkward way (it’s more of a “you’re my older sister and I don’t want to hear dating details” awkwardness and the same reaction they have when I date men). All my close friends know as well. Other than that, I keep it pretty private at work or with people I’m casual acquaintances with.

    I think the thing holding me back is that I’m scared that it won’t go over well and that my parents won’t want to talk to me anymore. Except….I don’t think that will happen. It would have happened 10 or 15 years ago, but they’ve mellowed out and their feelings on the LGBTQA+ community have changed drastically (we live in Massachusetts and they were not supportive of the same-sex marriage law back in 2004, and I definitely remember some not so great things they said then which have stuck with me all these years later).

    I know they’ve changed their minds and aren’t against same-sex relationships anymore and have said the whole “it’s love” or “I don’t care what people do in private” spiel. But whenever I try to bring up my sexuality, I start panicking and revert back to my 18 year old self who was scared and upset and confused when they talked about not understanding/liking same-sex relationships.

    I’ve been trying to tell them for about five years and I honestly cannot bring myself to do it. Help?

    1. Woodswoman*

      One thing that can help is to practice, either on paper or in a role-play. Is there anyone in your life you trust to practice this with you? Another suggestion, if it’s applicable, is to think about something else in your life that was difficult and how it went.

      Have you watched videos or read stories of others from others who have come out to their parents? That might help it feel less scary knowing that what you’re experiencing is a big deal for many people and a common experience.

      This is hard stuff–good luck!

    2. Kathenus*

      When my brother came out, the family member’s reactions was a big fear. But in us talking about it years later, one thing that came up is that at some point he had to make a choice to either keep tying himself up in knots thinking about how/when/if to come out and what the reaction might be. Which was making him stressed and miserable. Or he could just find a way to do it, and deal with whatever happened after. Once he got to the mindset that the reality of the aftermath was likely to be better (or at least not worse) than the daily stress of keeping it inside, it helped him take that step. Good luck, a lot of internet strangers are in your corner.

    3. Persephone Mulberry*

      What about putting it in an email? It sounds like you are worried they will have a a gut-level negative reaction, even if just for a moment, and that that is what you’re going to remember forever. So maybe putting it in an email/letter will spare you that experience and give them time to process?

      1. valentine*

        Yes, email. Maybe include a list of what not to say about it and why it’s harmful.

        I think Captain Awkward has ideas about this, like telling a supportive town-crier relative and letting them get the word out.

        1. ..Kat..*

          I like the idea of email or a letter, but a list of what not to say can come across as insulting.

    4. no name here*

      No advice, just commiseration. I’m in almost the exact same situation with my parents in California, including the past homophobic comments and recent mellowing out.

      2018 was going to be the year to tell them, but I chickened out because I didn’t want to watch disappointment or shame flicker across their faces for even a moment. At this point, I’m thinking of sending them an email saying basically, “I’m bisexual and it’s been hard for me to tell you in person because I’ve been afraid of how you’ll react. I love you—please call me to let me know you’re happy for me.”

      Good luck to both of us!

      1. rogue axolotl*

        For what it’s worth, I was in the same situation a little while ago, and I decided on email for the same reason–I didn’t want to deal with the initial response, and since we live in different cities I didn’t want to deliver this news at the beginning of an awkward week together. And it went fine! Much better than I anticipated. I hope it goes smoothly for you as well!

    5. Penguin*

      Practicing with someone else may help; if working with a therapist is an option for you, a queer-friendly therapist could both practice coming-out approaches with you and probably offer additional resources.

      Scarleteen (dot com) has a huge variety of LGTBTQIA+ educational material, including some advisory stuff on coming out.

      Not advice, but commiseration: I hope you find a way forward. Remember that whatever choice you make is valid; no one else gets to choose for you. Coming out tomorrow is valid. So is staying closeted for days, months, years, or decades. You do you. You are valid.

    6. Courageous cat*

      My personal feelings are not to bother unless you find yourself in a serious relationship with a woman. That’s where I’m at, and I see absolutely no need to stress myself out about telling them unless that happens. If it does, I’d probably just say “hey, so I’m dating someone new, and this time it’s a woman! Wild huh?” and try to be casual about it.

      1. Brandy*

        This was my personal approach. My philosophy generally with my parents is more “ask for forgiveness than permission” including “hey, so I got a cell phone” when I turned 18 and they’d not wanted me to get one all through high school (this being 2001), “hey so I’m taking a year off from college and here’s why it doesn’t matter to you even though you are paying the bills,” “hey I’m moving in with my significant other,” and “hey I’m getting a divorce” then “hey, I’m dating a woman, she’s coming to dinner.”

        You do you, and you know your parents best. I keep mine at arms length generally and may have done things differently if I’d come out younger.

  61. Tara R.*

    Advice for developing better sleep hygiene habits? I’ve been in the habit of going on my phone for a while before bed since I was around 11-12, and it’s a haaaard habit to break. I’ve been doing it for so long that it just feels weird and wrong trying to sleep without it, and I usually can’t. I also have a lot of trouble falling asleep until I’m totally exhausted (and often after that….) and being on my phone is kind of a crutch to get around that awful time period of lying in bed being angry and frustated that I can’t sleep.

    I think there’s a big part of me that doesn’t want to give it up, because it’s a nice quiet moment for myself in a busy life. I’m gonna be honest, I mostly just read fan fiction, but it’s the only time I really have to do that. I want to stop because I’ve noticed lately how much better my mood and mental health is when I sleep enough, and I’m demonstrably not able to put down a good story to go to sleep at a reasonable hour.

    1. HannahS*

      Well, hello, you must be me. Nice to meet you.

      Yeah, it’s hard. My strategy is to make two rules. One is, if it’s within an hour of bedtime, I’m only allowed to read things I’ve read before, so that I can put them down. The other is (and I’m unreliable about implementing it) the phone doesn’t come into bed with me. The charger is in the living room and I have an actual alarm clock. If I’m having trouble with rule 2, I make sure my phone has a strong blue light filter and that the screen brightness is really low. That way, it’s kind of hard to see the words, and the second I get tired it becomes really hard to read. It helps me put the phone down, I find.

      1. valentine*

        Make reading a fun thing you do when you wake up, before you get up (unless you’d finish a book and get fired). Bonus if this has you moving your bedtime earlier. Can you move your hours later, though? Maybe you can’t fall asleep because you’re a night person?

      2. Anon This Time*

        Oooh, the reading things you’ve read before is really interesting!! I am even more obsessive when reading actual books and have an impossible time putting them down, but that’s a really interesting solution to that problem that I hadn’t considered.

    2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      just a thought. If it is the reading…. use a kindle. I found it too easy to dive into something on the web because I got a notification. (I think I have ADHD like responses to the phone… oohh, a notification… read that email….ooh let’s check AAM, oohh… it’s 1:20 am!).
      By reading… and only reading… I can at least have a chapter break and a cut off point.

      1. Anony Mouse*

        Came here to say exactly this.

        I had been in the habit of reading on my ipad in bed for an hour before sleep. Honestly, even with the screen in night mode & lowest light setting, I would have trouble calming my might down to sleep.

        Bought an ereader last month, the kind that doesn’t emit any light at all, and I load the device with lots of library books (Overdrive!), fanfic, long articles and I still read an hour before bedtime but I’ve noticed it’s easier falling asleep. I recognize that I need that hour to unwind in bed, and something about the ereader really calms my brain.

    3. Nicole76*

      I’ve had trouble sleeping lately and what has helped is listening to a show I’ve watched before on Netflix. Perhaps that would be a way to transition into not actively using your phone too late?

      Note – I set my phone’s timer to “stop playing” in x number of minutes and by then I’m usually asleep. I noticed recently that you can lock your phone and Netflix will stop playing, but you can start it back up from the lock screen so it’s not actually using up battery having the screen on which is an added bonus (plus I need it very dark to fall sleep).

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I am a terrible sleeper and have been working on my issues with a therapist for a while. One thing that I’ve been doing is listening to sleep stories; they are designed to be soothing and without big climaxes that can get your heart racing and your adrenaline up. Maybe that’s something to try? I signed up for the Calm app and choose between fiction and non-fiction. Some are longer than others. My particular favorites are this kind of sub-set of train journeys. I find the stories to be very good and I’ve figured out whose voices I prefer (when a new story appears by my favorite voice actor on the app, I get pretty excited). It’s not perfect, but it might help you bridge the gap. And yes, basically I am a 40-year-old woman who needs bedtime stories to get to sleep. :)

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        My Other Half listens to some podcast where its a guy who has, apparently, the most soothing voice to get to sleep. The podcast is entirely this guy telling a completely random story that goes nowhere in a very slow voice – Sleep with Me with Drew Ackerman. There was even a New Yorker article about it, and partner swears by the podcast.

    5. Llellayena*

      Switch to real books. You’ll get the same calming effect of reading and quiet time without the glowing screen. If you’re worried about keeping going until the end of the book, get short stories or put the bookmark where you want to stop. I read in bed regularly and tend to fall asleep mid-sentence. Every once in a while there’s a compelling book and I suddenly notice it’s 3am, but the idea still works most of the time.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Works for me, too. No glowing screen. I eventually tire enough to go to sleep. I do read at the kitchen table mostly, but once in a while I read in bed.

    6. WellRed*

      Aside from putting down the phone, which is NOT helping you sleep, don’t lie in bed angry and frustrated. Get up, get a glass of milk or a book and sit quietly for a bit in dim light and stop thinking about how you can’t sleep.

    7. gecko*

      My fiancé started doing “tea hours”, where on weeknights after 9PM he makes a pot of herbal sleepy tea and does no screens. I’ve been picking it up a bit too. It’s been working really well for him.

      I’d definitely recommend planning out a couple activities beforehand so you’re not bored & defaulting back to your phone. But making tea hours an activity in and of itself has been helpful too :)

    8. FD*

      Don’t rely on willpower alone. Use an app that blocks out certain other apps at particular times–I’m using
      Stay Focused for my Android phone right now.

      But as a compromise, you might try allowing yourself to listen to something as you doze off? I’ve been using Audible’s sleep feature for that–by just listening, you reduce the screen glow issue, but it gives you something for your brain to do?

  62. Ice Bear*

    Do you ever feel like celebrating your birthday as an adult is lame? I love having reasons to do special things but every year I feel let down because no one organizes a party or outing for me, so if I want to spend time with anyone I need to plan it, and that feels pathetic.

    On top of that, having a post-Christmas birthday sucks because most people are tired and tapped out financially so they aren’t really interested in getting together.

    Because it’s cold outside I can’t enjoy the things I love most which are nature related; I hate the outdoors in winter because I can’t stand the cold.

    Next year my birthday falls on a work day and I don’t plan on doing anything special. It’s just too much pressure.

    1. I’m tired*

      Have you had a half birthday? You celebrate your birthday 6 months after your real birthday. You could do a theme of half. Have half a cake , people bring in half of a present, have half the candles, etc.

    2. anonagain*

      I think it’s pretty typical that adults who want birthday parties have to plan them. At least that’s been true for the majority of parties I’ve been to. Why would that be pathetic?

    3. hope is hopeful*

      No I don’t feel it’s lame but I’m sorry you do.
      As an adult, my birthdays have included – going on holiday, going to sports matches (several times), going for a city break, going to a light show festival. My birthday is in November, so can be quite cold. I’m also single and somewhat estranged from family. If I don’t celebrate myself, who will?

    4. StudentA*

      Lame? Um, no! My closest friends have December and February birthdays. You better believe we celebrate. Just go out to dinner with friends and anything else indoors. Go to a show, a movie, even. We’re all over 40, and we definitely don’t wait for anyone to plan it for us :)

    5. Agent J*

      I feel this same pressure as a winter baby. I decided two years ago to start celebrating my birthday by traveling. I don’t feel bad that no one planned anything for me because I’m not around and I can spend my birthday exactly how I want to. When I come back, I do a brunch with friends because I love brunch.

      It’s not lame to celebrate your birthday as an adult. It might be better to focus on celebrating how you want to then with other people.

      1. TheTallestOneEver*

        Same here. My birthday is around Thanksgiving, so people are typically off doing family stuff. I’ve been out of the country for my last four birthdays and it’s been great.

    6. Koala dreams*

      I think it’s great to get to plan the party/outing myself, that way I get it the way I want it. Of course, sometimes the way you want it is “don’t want to do it”. That’s okay too.

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        Agreed. At the risk of sounding selfish, I’ve seen too many of these kind of events where someone organised a thing that wasn’t what the person wanted and it ended up being really awkward, so I’d much rather do it myself and then say ‘hey it’s my birthday, I’m doing X, if you want to come let me know’. In a way I feel it takes the pressure off, especially for ‘big’ birthdays. And it means you can be super low-key if that’s what you want – last year for my birthday I only did a dinner with me and OH, and that was absolutely fine by me.

    7. Overeducated*

      When I invited a bunch of people for a birthday dinner AT MY HOUSE when I turned 29, and only one couple came, I kind of gave up on adult birthdays entirely. I know people are busy but I’d rather do nothing than be disappointed. This year it was on a workday and I ate ice cream for dinner with my family, that was it, i agree planning is too much pressure.

      But I grew up being told it was basically bad manners to plan parties for yourself and I can’t shake it, so I get kind of cranky at people who make big deals about things like adult non-decadal birthdays, long bachelorette weekends (dinner and drinks in town no longer good enough?), and bridal showers for established adults already living together. Part of it is thinking it’s over the top and imposing on others, but a tiny bit is feeling like I’ve missed out.

    8. Prof_Murph*

      I’m the grouch who thinks that birthday parties in adulthood are kinda silly. I also have a holiday-adjacent birthday and it really sucked growing up because I always got “combo” birthday/Christmas presents. I let go of celebrating my birthday in any party sort of way. My family is pretty good about wanting to go out to dinner, but I don’t even really expect that. I do try to do something that I like on that day – usually something like pizza and beer (which is unusual for me and pizza is my favorite food). My older sister does some sort of activity every year for her birthday, but this ends up being a lot more work (e.g., having to pay for an outing, traveling far, expensive meal where I would be rude to not offer to pay, etc.) that I end up resenting it and in the future plan to just wish her a happy birthday and send my regrets. I’m a lot happier now that I don’t have any real expectations about what my birthday should look like.

      1. Jennifer Juniper*

        I hope you didn’t get told you were being selfish for wanting to celebrate your birthday at Christmastime as a kid! I can easily see an unlucky Christmas baby being told that it is a sin to want to celebrate yourself on Christmas day, because that is Jesus’ birthday and Christmas is about giving etc. etc. etc.

    9. WellRed*

      Xmas eve baby, here. Dinner out with handful if close friends on the 21st. Low key, fun. Perfect for me. No need for a big special to do.

    10. Nervous Accountant*

      I honestly think it just depends on the type of friends. I see it on social media all the time where people are having giant patties/get together a etc.

      My bday is in May and for a long time, it was around finals so my friends were too busy. after finals were over the moment had passed so it didn’t really matter anymore. Nowadays, no finals but my friends are never available to meet on/around due to others’ bdays and plans etc. I actually argued with them that year and they weren’t having it and I felt awful. So now I never plan anything for my day now aside from my own thing.

    11. Jackie*

      I love celebrating birthdays! I will use any excuse to see my friends and in my social circle, it’s the norm. The birthday person plans their own party though. Usually, it is just a casual get-together at birthday person’s home, though the milestone birthdays are bigger (weekend getaway type things, also organized by the birthday-haver).

      Life is short, spending time with those you love is one of the most essential ways to bring happiness. I say you should go for it!

    12. Triplestep*

      Unless its a milestone, I do not see the need to celebrate adult birthdays. So 21, then any that end in zero ’til age 60, then any that end in five. It’s my own arbitrary rule.

      This may be generational – I’m 55, people 20-30 years younger than I always seem to come to work on Mondays with birthday celebrations to talk about from the previous weekend. Getting a private room at a bar for someone’s 27th birthday. Going to an escape room for someone’s 33rd birthday. Karaoke for a 24th birthday, etc. I don’t get it. I blame the internet and social media. The internet is really good at developing things for people to spend money on and making things into “occasions” when they’re not. (The same way that Hallmark did for non-holidays, only on a much grander scale.)

      I could possibly see grabbing a drink all together to acknowledge someone’s birthday from age 22 on, but that’s about it. Turning a year older is not some huge accomplishment or reason to lavish attention on someone. (Nor would I want it lavished on me for that reason – maybe when I turn 60.)

      1. Jaz*

        There’s nothing wrong with disliking adult birthdays yourself, but why be so critical of those who do enjoy them? Sure, surviving another year isn’t an accomplishment or anything, but it is a chance to have some fun. Life is full of hard moments. I see no reason not to balance that out with fun and happy ones when the opportunity presents itself.

        1. Triplestep*

          The question was “Do you ever feel like celebrating your birthday as an adult is lame?”

          My implied answer: “Yes”. I just gave plenty of back-up to my response.

          You can fun happy moments without making it about a fake holiday or milestone. Some might argue that times spent together are even MORE fun without the added pressure of having to focus ones’ attention (and $) on another adult in the group.

  63. Woodswoman*

    I posted here before about being invited to officiate at my long-time friend and groom’s wedding. I appreciate people’s suggestions about a gift I could bring. The wedding is in mid-February and I haven’t yet met the bride because the couple is not local, although I’ve heard a lot about her since they started dating and we’ve exchanged emails. The original plan was to co-officiate with someone the bride had chosen, but the couple has now settled on having me do it alone. I’ve got my credentials through the Universal Life Church, checked with the local jurisdiction to make sure I’ve got the appropriate legal status. I’ve booked my flight and my hotel, and I’m ready to go.

    Now that those logistics are settled, my trigger about public speaking and people watching me is going off, even though I have a lot of experience as a presenter and the couple clearly has confidence in me. I’m honored that they asked, and of course the guests there will be focused on the couple and not me, and that I’ll have everything written down and practiced. I will be doing a video call with the couple to meet the bride, and will follow their cues about what to wear, etc.

    I want my part to go well for the happy couple. I keep thinking about being in photos and videos that people will have forever and that makes me self-conscious. For those of you who have officiated weddings, do you have any advice about your experience to help me be less nervous when the time comes?

    1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Haven’t been an officiant. I can say that from observation, that my uncle, who officiated at mine, was so much a part of the background that I didn’t even notice if he was smiling or not in any pictures. The focus is on the bride and groom. You can relax quite a bit. internet hug. This is a nice thing you are doing.
      And, any really good book would be a nice gift – something meaningful. (I am thinking a leather bound copy of the Song of Solomon, for example… etc). Something that is encouraging and beautiful. Something perhaps they can read together… a Calla edition (Dover) book? I love books as gifts.

    2. Loopy*

      I’ve never officiated but I heard actually it’s a nice touch for the officiant to step to the side when the couple kisses at the end of the ceremony so they actually aren’t awkwardly in the background of the million photos that occur right at that moment.

      I’m sure no one minds but if you’re worried about being in pictures forever, that will cut you out of so many of them! You can also mention this if they have a photographer so they can tell you where to stand/step to.

      I’m sure it will be lovely!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      My friend does weddings. She tells couples to plan on at LEAST three things going wrong. This sets the tone as in, “no matter what happens when I am done you are STILL married. The rest does not matter.”

      My friend is a big fan of reading everything out loud in front of the mirror over and over, until she can find her voice while she is reading. You know, that strength and flow in speaking. Know it like you know the palm of your own hand.

      Did you have them write their vows or are you picking vows for them? You can get that nailed down long before the big day and have time to practice it.
      As others have said, my friend steps aside for photos and only steps in when asked directly.

      1. Woodswoman*

        My friend is laid back and he already told me he assumes that something somewhere will go wrong, and it’s fine. I’m hoping the bride has the same attitude. Now I just need to be okay with that for myself as well.

        I’m not writing the vows, they’re doing that part themselves and will have them to me at least a couple weeks in advance. Thanks for the tip about reading them in front of the mirror so I feel more comfortable, which I’ll plan on doing.

        And to clarify my original post about gift suggestions, I meant to make that past tense referencing my previous post asking about gift ideas. I settled on finding a calligrapher to write their vows out and have that framed for them.

    4. ..Kat..*

      Most attendees want it short and sweet. I recommend practicing beforehand in front of a mirror. Have a few 3 by 5 cards with prompts in case your mind goes blank. Enjoy the wedding!

    5. AnonAcademic*

      I just officiated my first wedding, and my advice is to do a full dress rehearsal the day before. Knowing where everyone is going to walk through, stand, sit etc. will help the ceremony go smoothly, and also help get jitters you have out! As for the wedding itself, remembering you are there first and foremost to facilitate the couple’s moment, everyone is going to be focused on them so as long as you mostly say the words of the ceremony audibly and they are married by the end of it, you have done your job :).

  64. The Other Dawn*

    Any suggestions for food for a family gathering? It will be about 22 people with only two kids under 18.

    Some key points:
    Nobody other than me likes spicy food and nobody likes anything more “exotic” than Chinese or Italian. I’m thinking I could probably get away with something like spanakopita since it’s pastry. (I’m making a slow cooker dip, which is Velveeta, MILD salsa and ground beef. That’s about as spicy and international as they’ll get.) It needs to be something other than a veggie/hummus/cheese and cracker platter since I’ll already be making that. And it must be fairly easy. Can be make-ahead, slow cooker, casserole, finger foods, side dish or dessert.

    So far the only things I have planned are a ham (no gravy, mashed potatoes or veggie this time since it’s just a lot of work and I get really sick of having that combo at holidays); fresh kielbasa and kraut in the slow cooker; and the dip I mentioned above. For the ham I may just slice it up and put rolls and condiments out so people can either eat it as-is or make a sandwich. For dessert I’m making brownies, a cookie plate (haven’t decided on cookies yet, but a combo of homemade and store-bought), and homemade chocolate pie.

    1. The RO-Cat*

      I like something called “potato skins” – half-boiled potatoes, cut in half length-wise, scoop out some flesh, put in some bacon (strips, cubes, whatever) and some cheese (I love cheddar or edamer, but use whatever you like and melts nicely), 30 mis in oven – that’s all. Marvellous warm, very good cold, can be paired with dips or eaten as they are.

      1. Canadian Natasha*

        Wow, blast from the past! My family used to make those when we were kids. We would put applesauce (sounds weird but it works flavour-wise) or else sour cream on them.

      2. Marion Ravenwood*

        Those with baked beans were my FAVOURITE dinner when I was a kid! I’m really tempted to make those one night this week now…

    3. HannahS*

      It certainly sounds like you have things in hand! How about a leafy salad? I’m a big fan of spinach (or kale), apple (or berry), goat cheese, almonds (or pine nuts or pecans or walnuts), and a basic vinaigrette.

    4. Overeducated*

      Maybe baked beans, or a cold bean salad with veggies? Green beans with dressing? Roasted winter veggies or sweet potato casserole? Sounds good, I’d come to your party!

    5. Hannah*

      I would definitely have a big salad with all that. I’d also try to have some warm vegetarian dish–maybe a meatless lasagna, or ratatouille? Macaroni and cheese?

      A shrimp cocktail might be nice, too.

      1. ..Kat..*

        To make it easier for you, you can get a few large frozen Mac and cheese or lasagnas from the supermarket. Hope you have fun.

    6. The Other Dawn*

      These are all great suggestions–thanks!

      I try not to get too “adventurous” because people either won’t try the food, or they will and won’t like it. The two examples that stand out to me most are the time I made homemade cranberry sauce and the time I made homemade onion dip. I made the cranberry sauce when I was a young teen and it was the recipe on the back of the bag of cranberries. Out of maybe 20 people, the only person that would even try it was my mom. In both my and my husband’s families, if it’s isn’t the can-shaped jelly stuff, it ain’t cranberry sauce. I made the onion dip, like friend the onions and everything, a couple years ago and while most people tried it–because it looked like the store-bought stuff–not much of it got eaten. I thought it was delicious and didn’t taste like a salt shaker. But whatever.

      2. Jennifer Juniper*

        Sheesh! Your families need to get your taste buds out more! I’d eat your cranberry sauce any day!

    7. Scoops26*

      Mini hot dogs: wrap your preferred brand of hot dog in Pillsbury croissant dough, and cut into small pieces. Bake at 350 until golden brown (like 12 minutes)

      Serve with ketchup and mustard to dip in.

      Very easy to make and it sounds like it will be a hit with crowd

    8. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Funeral potatoes. It’s an easy cheesy potato casserole made with frozen hashbrowns. It should go over great with a crowd like that.

    9. Not A Manager*

      Mac and cheese. You can make your own, but Costco has big tins of it in the prepared foods section that are really good.

    10. Marion Ravenwood*

      If it doesn’t have to be finger food (i.e. there’ll be plates to eat it off), my first thought was lasagne – either meat or veggie. My mum always makes this for family parties at home with a similar sort of crowd, and it goes down great.

  65. Persephone Mulberry*

    Monday will mark one full year that I’ve been using YNAB (You Need A Budget) for my finances. This is amazing to me because I am historically terrible at sticking with things. I’m pretty sure there is an open thread post from me in February of last year about how I was already feeling my inevitable 3-5 week new habit backslide. Today, YNAB is literally integral to my daily functioning.

    I don’t have an amazing story about discovering I have tens of thousands of extra dollars for debt paydown or big savings goals. I have not completely overhauled my impulse spending. 2018 still had screwups and overdrafts and late fees. But it also had a job loss and a house move and a high school graduation and college tuition and student loan payments and birthdays and Christmas and self care and in spite of all that, net debt reduction instead of increase. Quite frankly, I shudder to think what my 2018 would have looked like without YNAB keeping me on the straight and narrow.

    Yes, someone *could* do all these things without YNAB, with spreadsheets and discipline. Good for them! Good for you! For me, YNAB has been absolutely, positively worth every penny. /End soapbox/

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      That’s pretty amazing. Budgeting is not sexy, but it does make a huge impact on your life.

    2. TurtleIScream*

      That’s fantastic! Budgeting is not just about sticking to a plan, but about seeing your habits and developing a realistic plan that works for you.

    4. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Congratulations… putting your financial house in order is a prime way to do real self care!!! High five. Need to look at this. I’m being frugal but … a budget would be a big help.

    5. Annie Moose*

      I LOVE YNAB. I’ve been using it for around six months and I feel so much more confident about money now! I used to feel that I didn’t really understand how I was using my money, so I was caught in this trap of wanting to buy nice things but also being really miserly because I was scared of spending too much by accident. YNAB completely took away that feeling for me. It’s so clear now every month—all of my money is dedicated to a different category, so it’s easy to see if I have extra money to splurge on that Nice Thing I Want, while ensuring all my necessities and upcoming bills are covered.

      I just wish I would’ve discovered it sooner!!

    6. Gatomon*

      That’s great! I’ve been using it for years now — I didn’t suddenly discover an extra $500/month in my budget, but it’s truly helped me to make smarter financial decisions, feel accomplishment paying down my debts, and find my priorities.

      I’ve actually gotten a bit lazy over the years and am recommitting myself to checking it before making purchases, instead of just recording them and adjusting later… it’s an ongoing battle.

    7. WellRed*

      You’ve givem me hope. Tired of stories about people who, by not eating out, found an extra $2k a month to throw at debt. That’s about what I bring home and there aren’t many places to cut.

  66. Jaid_Diah*

    The meatballs in chili sauce and gravy, would that be too spicy?

    Anyway, my suggestions are mac ‘n cheese, pasta salad, maybe a savory kugel ( https://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/lasagna-noodle-kugel-recipe-1924124 – but do “Olive-oiled and Roasted 1 bag sliced mushrooms and 8 shallots on 2 baking sheets at 425 for 20 minutes. Boiled 1 bag extra wide egg noodles. Followed remaining directions, omitting all sweet ingredients, adding 3 oz grated Parmesan to “pudding” in blender. Blended mushroom-shallot mixture with egg-cheese-sour cream mixture and baked covered in 350 oven for 30 minutes. Let cool. Re-heat at 350, grating extra Parmesan on top to finish.” per the first reviewer’s advice)

    2. The Other Dawn*

      Thanks! Yes, they will eat those meatballs. My sister has made them a few times, so maybe I’ll add that in. The kugel sounds interesting. I’ve had it, but I’ve never made it.

  67. Elizabeth West*

    THINGS

    1. I couldn’t wait more than a week and a half to begin book revision, haha. Gah, I have so much work to do but I love this part of it much better than the first draft part. Why can’t we just download what’s in our brains!? Why is making up a language and worldbuilding so hard?! I ordered a book by the guy who made up Dothraki for the GoT show so hopefully that will help a little. I can make up words and pronunciation, but the hard part is building syntax, grammar, etc. and I’ll need that later on.

    2. There is this person in my group whom I thought was cool, and I haven’t seen her for a while, and she showed up today. At coffee, we chatted some more and we discovered we both love Alamo Drafthouse so we’re going to a movie party early next month! I had talked with her before and she seemed to like me, and I like her, but she’s been busy and we hadn’t texted. But we both were like, “I wanted to text you but I didn’t want to bother you,” which means there is mutual like there? I guess? I always question these things, LOL.
    But yeah, possible new friend who isn’t only online, which is awesome. :D

    3. TMJ issues in my jaw making it hard to eat. You’d think that would cut down on eating but NO. :P (New Year’s resolution: Less junky food; more good food but less of it.)
    Anyone have issues with this? I have no dentist and am waiting to see if my poors program for the doc’s office is renewed. Home remedies?

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Congrats on finishing the first draft! I totally get you. I love the editing process and fleshing it all out. I hate the drafting process: it’s torturous and makes me doubt my writing and I start to think I’m stupid because my work will never be like the authors I admire; then I get to the editing and I feel like Austen, witty and charming.

      Why do we do this to ourselves again?

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I don’t think I’m grinding; I think it just popped out of place or something. Arrrrgh. Moist heat sounds good; I’ll try that.
        And soft food. I tried to eat a toasted turkey and smoked gouda sammich today and it was an ordeal. >_<

    3. Annie Moose*

      If you’re looking for a good intro to conlanging, the Language Construction Kit by Mark Rosenfelder is fantastic. There’s a much abridged online version but the actual book is worth the money.

      (Rosenfelder, also known as zompist, is one of the “big names” in the online conlanging community and is all around a great guy! He has fabulous resources.)

        1. Annie Moose*

          Yeah, the e-book version should be the full thing. There’s a much much shorter version on his website (zompist.com).

    4. Woodswoman*

      Years ago when I had TMJ and lived in a different state, a chiropractor massaged my jaw on the outside and then put on a glove and did the inside. It really worked to release the tension. A while back I had the same symptom and figured I could try and do it on myself using a couple fingers. And it worked! For me, the key is to press as hard as I comfortably can and just hold steady in that spot, then move to a different sore spot, and then slowly do downward massaging strokes, first on the outside and then inside my cheek. I hope that helps, TMJ can be so uncomfortable.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        That’s what the chiro did for my TMJ also.
        Push on that connective tissue between the upper jaw and lower jaw at the back of your mouth. Massage the outside of the joint first.
        Works like a charm.

          2. Beanie*

            I’m an RMT, and I’ve treated people for TMJ before. The trick is to massage the masseter abd the ptyerigoid muscles, internally. The masseter is the thick muscle in the cheek. To find it externally first, bite your jaw down. When you bite hard, you should feel a thick band in your cheek.

            Next, the medial ptyerigoid. You go back into the mouth just before the throat. It forms a sling along the inside of your jaw, by the lower molars. Finally, the lateral ptyerigoid. You go outside the upper teeth and poke your finger where the dentist applies their anesthetic.

            Hope this helps!

    5. HannahS*

      Wow congrats on your first draft! That’s so exciting. I have vague dreams of writing a book someday, and it just seems so overwhelmingly large as a project. Kudos for sticking with it!

    6. Earthwalker*

      I’m no pro but I wrote a series of novels just to see if I could do it. Much to my surprise, when I was done I couldn’t evict the characters from my head. They were camped out in there and popping up all the time, like the friend who never stops calling, to tell me something more about their lives. I thought it meant I needed to revise. I ended up on a sort of revision treadmill, doing it over and over, enjoying it but knowing that I had long since stopped actually improving the story. Nothing in any writing class had prepared me for that!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I revised Book 1 a ton of times, but I was learning a lot as I went. I was told I should just let it go, and I probably should but I still feel like it has potential. Everyone who’s read it liked it.

        Besides, C. Robert Cargill said on Twitter that you really can polish a turd, LOL. Maybe it was turdy at first but it’s a zillion times better now and I just want to finish the trilogy.

    7. Jasnah*

      Very late but I recommend the service Vulgar, it automatically generates conlangs and you can customize it as much as you want! Gives you a sample dictionary, grammar, and everything!

  68. Loopy*

    Hi AAM,

    Thanks to everyone who cheered me up on New Years Day. I came back and read everything later when I was in a better state of mind but it was too late to comment back. So if you commented, I saw it and appreciated it. Right now I just need some confirmation that someone just handled a situation badly and I’m not just too close to it and overreacting.

    So fiance’s father is hospitalized (I wont go too far into that part for privacy reasons but assume it is very bad and we don’t know how it’ll end). He has ONE groomsman (we will call G) who asked about doing a bachelor party trip together way before the hospitalization. They chatted initially about dates but it was left kind of open.

    I gave G a heads up the fiance would not be able to go for a long trip or go far and that he should probably adjust any preliminary plans and told him about the hospitalization (nothing had been confirmed between them at all). He tells me he had already booked a week long non-refunable trip! Now fiance had been saying he could do 1-3 days, not 5-6 so this came out of nowhere. But G said not to tell fiance since that would stress him. I said maybe they could go for a shorter portion at least, since it’s in driving distance (even if G stayed down there, and fiance drove back, fiance would get to enjoy as much as he can, right?).

    Today fiance reaches out to see whats going on. He says he only feels comfortable doing 1-2 days because of the hospital situation. Instead of saying they can do something for however long fiance is comfortable…. G tells him about pre-booking the trip and that’s not refundable! He then tells him they’ll reschedule and he and his family will take the trip.

    Am I wrong to think that was handled terribly? Now fiance gets nothing and G goes on his trip without him. Now, I get salvaging the costs (understandable), but to tell him about it all? Or not even have a scheduled alternative plan to soften the disappointment? I’m obviously super sad for him and angry at G because I know I’d just be sad about not getting *anything* and spending that period *knowing* friend was down having fun. Am I just too close to the situation? I would have handled it so much differently! Augh, need some perspective because I’m so angry for fiance. It’s ready a stressful, sad time for him and this whole thing is just another negative.

      1. Loopy*

        Thanks. I really wanted to text him since we had already spoken about this but I resisted because it would just make the dynamic awkward for the big day. I’m thinking he though it would make fiance feel better that the trip isn’t going to waste- which it could have it he had let fiance enjoy the first day or two of it!!!

    2. Namey McNameface*

      G is an idiot. I would hold firm on a day trip. His desire for a long non refundable trip does not trump family needs.

      1. Loopy*

        I hope they do do something but… now G is using all that PTO on the original trip and they work different days :( So G now probably has no PTO to spare and fiance has no weekends off. Which is why I’m so sad because I dont think re-scheduling will work and it makes me so sad for fiance.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Yeah, you’re getting a little too involved here. I mean that from the angle of how does your fiance feel about all this? If he is okay or only a tiny upset, then let it go. Look at your fiance and gauge your reaction from there.

      G is not very impressive as a friend. But this is who he is. Fiance could have given G status updates. G could have checked in with fiance before booking. It’s been a lesson in my life about helping people negotiate their relationship with each other. Watch out for situations where you end up playing UN diplomat. People have to find their own relationships with each other.

      About all you can do is tell your fiance that you are sad for him, because you wildly wanted something nice to happen for him because of all the sadness right now with his dad. I think saying that to him will put a smile on his face.

      1. Loopy*

        Thanks for the perspective. I think the fact fiance is really upset about it is definitely making me more emotionally involved. I’m also a fixer and tend to take on other’s emotions )second hand emotion is totally a thing, right?).

        I think this is all feeling more weighty because G is the only groomsman for the wedding and I just want fiance to have a generally nice experience around the wedding. Again, this is also more because I have had a lot of wedding misery and just want good things associated with our wedding and not sad hurt feelings. I know it’s about us and not everyone else of course but… it sooo doesn’t feel that way!!!

        So yeah, I’m realizing that I’m bringing in a lot of baggage to this one situation!

        1. WellRed*

          A week! For a bachelor’s party! However. You cannot go through life managing your sad fiancee or his thoughtless friends. I think you posted previously about a birthday party where his friends couldn’t pull it together? If that is the case, this could be a recurring theme.

          1. WellRed*

            Also, I just reread your comment about you know he’s sad because “I know I’d be sad.” Do you see that?

            1. valentine*

              Taking on other people’s feelings is enmeshment. Learn how to stop that, so that you feel sad for someone, but don’t feel their (projected) sadness for them, especially in advance. Don’t play middle person anymore. You can take on some household logistics, but don’t step into fiancé’s place in his relationships. Leave those to him. Don’t make yourself his human shield. After all, you are presumably sad in your own right over your future father-in-law and you can sit with that instead of ignoring yourself in favor of fiancé. It’s better G told fiancé the truth because it would otherwise look like G decided to take a family vacation when the party plans fell through.

        2. Loopy*

          Thanks everyone. I will have to look up enmeshment. Also, I honestly think this new fad of bachlor/ette parties becoming trips and vacations is absolutely insane. Weddings are already expensive for everyone, now we add a full vacation?!

          Ironically with some distance I realize I’m not even having a bachlorette and Im 200% fine with it. I think it’s just the disappointment of everything go awry that I was exploding in my head. I’m glad I actually didn’t get directly involved and instead stewed to other people (not G and fiance) to get it out of my system.

          Still, I think it is hard to see someone you love sad and there’s no way to completely distance myself from that, even staying uninvolved.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Sadly, such is life. We can’t protect people from experiencing sadness. Unfairly, when crap piles up in their life we can’t protect them from that either.
            We can:
            -Tell them we see the crap piling up, feel very bad about it and wish we could make it go away.
            -Invite them to do something fun with us.
            -Help brainstorm repair plans if they want a repair plan.

            I agree that these trips for pre-wedding parties are bogus. If anyone asked younger me if I wanted a trip I would have said “no, but the money saved by not going would make a great down payment on a house”. Sometimes I am too practical for the world around me.

    4. ..Kat..*

      Booking a week long, out of town, non-refundable bachelor party without getting groom’s schedule/okay first is pretty clueless.

      That said, let groom and groomsman sort it out themselves. They are grown men and there is no reason for you to take responsibility for fixing this.

      1. Loopy*

        I definitely have strong inclinations to fix where I have no place to fix. Yesterday I did stay out of it, thanks to my better judgement. It’s just frustrating to stand on the sidelines and watch!

  69. AFT, anonymous for this*

    I feel terrible for thinking that I don’t like visiting a dear friend in her home because it’s so ****ing cluttered. She invited me over for lunch today. I had to step over things to reach my seat at the table and to go use the toilet. On my way to give my regards to POTUS, I felt my already-injured knee wobble and knocked over something that had been precariously perched on a shelf when one foot touched the floor. (The simple vibration of one of my footsteps did that.)

    She frequently says how much she wants an organized home, but the ratio of stuff coming into the house to the stuff of which she gets rid is at least 3:1. She’ll buy hangers, boxes, etc. to organize things, but has trouble discarding.

    1. Theodoric of York*

      Hoarding is a difficult thing to overcome. You probably can’t do anything about it.

      Meet her for lunch at a restaurant.

      1. Jennifer Juniper*

        Seconded on the restaurant! Plus, with your injured knee, visiting your friend at home is a safety hazard anyway.

        1. valentine*

          Tell her you can see her struggle, but you can’t be part of it, so visits need to be elsewhere.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I hear ya. I have a relative I visit out of state every year or two. I really love spending time with her, but there’s so much clutter in her house. It’s not dirty at all, just too much stuff. The guest room and bathrooms are fine, quite clean and no clutter. But the kitchen. The kitchen is hard to deal with. Again, it’s not dirty. There’s just stuff all over the counters, the small kitchen cart, the kitchen table, the buffet, and even the fridge. It’s so hard to make breakfast when I get up (she’s a late riser) and I have to work around everything. And the fridge is always jam-packed with food. She buys for an army when people visit and then throws away anything that doesn’t get eaten, even if she just bought it. I keep telling her not to buy a lot of food since i can’t eat nearly as much as I used to, but she still does it. And the family room is very cluttered, too. Their fireplace isn’t usable because of all the stuff piled around it, and the coffee table that’s in front of it is so overloaded with mail, papers, magazines, etc. that it all just randomly slid right off onto the floor last time I was there. It was like an avalanche.

      1. Overeducated*

        I feel like my life is a constant struggle to not be this person. The piling of papers and kitchen are especially challenging, as I’m in a small apartment with a tiny kitchen but actually USE the cookware and very specific ethnic condiments taking up space. I have a couple boxes of cookware in storage, but it still takes a ton of effort to keep clear!

        1. The Other Dawn*

          For us it’s the dining room that becomes the crap collector. We don’t use it much or even need to walk through it, so we tend to toss stuff there, like the big packs of paper towels, curtains I plan to hang, etc. It takes my husband and I a huge effort to keep our house in order after we do a big cleaning, which is usually when overnight company is coming or we’re having a big picnic or something. We have multiple cats and even though it’s just the two of us, stuff collects on certain tables, husband likes to pile all his dirty clothes on the bedroom floor next to his side of the bed, clean clothes sit in a basket forever, cats make messes that we sometimes don’t see because it’s in an out of the way place, stuff like that. We always say that we’ll keep it maintained after a big cleaning and it lasts for a couple weeks, but inevitably it goes back to being messy. Then we moan and complain when we have a holiday at our house and have to start the cleaning process a week ahead of time. It takes three times the time and effort than if we had just kept it maintained.

      2. Loopy*

        You just very accurately described my dad’s house! Its the family home I grew up in but since my mom passed its been increasingly more and more like this. It stresses me out to stay there because I have to clear ANY space I want to use, which is exhausting and it causes me to worry!

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Thankfully there’s nothing on the couches, so it’s easy to sit. And there isn’t stuff on the floors or stairs. It’s just piled on surfaces. I’ve noticed in the last two years that they now keep the dining room doors closed. I got an accidental sneak peak last time I was there and…OMG. Table, chairs, under the table, and the buffets were piled with scrap booking supplies, pictures, frames, and all sorts of other stuff. She does scrap booking and it’s completely taken over than room. Again, not dirty, just cluttered.

          My in-laws house, OTOH, ewww. It’s cluttered AND gross. (We honestly wonder if they’re becoming hoarders sometimes.) I always thought it was my SIL, but then she moved out about 10 years ago and we’ve discovered the lack of cleanliness is mostly MIL and FIL, although not completely. We won’t even go there anymore because we found out they have bug issues, and MIL said she doesn’t blame us. They’re both in their late 70s, retired, FIL doesn’t lift a finger to do ANYTHING and MIL is the taxi driver for the entire family basically. But that’s a whole other story. I digress.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      No, you are not terrible. This has happened to me twice in recent years, where I just had to stop going for visits. I could not deal with the clutter. I am naturally klutzy and I quickly became a bull in a china shop. But the clutter. I could not relax. And I am not a neat freak. I have clutter here. These piles of stuff were anxiety inducing.

    4. TryingToReadHere*

      Not wanting to visit a home that makes you uncomfortable in any way is totally reasonable.

      I have a friend that I never liked visiting because she has five cats and five dogs. The pets are allowed everywhere–on the furniture and on the kitchen counters and table. Sitting down meant getting your backside covered in fur and eating meant having fur in your food. I don’t have allergies or anything, but all the fur was unpleasant. I don’t think any less of her for the state of her home, but I’d rather spend time with her somewhere else.

  70. Jennifer Juniper*

    Does anyone know whose cats are in the photo at the top of the page? Alison, are they yours? If they are, could you please tell me their names?

    They are simply purr-fect!

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      They are mine! The one pictured here is Lucy. The others who appear are Eve (medium grey), Olive (tortoiseshell), Sophie (brown tabby), and her kitten, Wallace (dark grey).

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Yes! Olive in particular has befriended them and plays chase games with them. Eve still hasn’t figured out how to get them to play with her (for some reason she thinks lunging at them will be welcomed, but it is not). Lucy is too old to be bothered with new young cats, but she’s mostly coexisting peacefully with them — she will sleep on the bed a foot away from them, etc.

          2. tangerineRose*

            It’s great they’re getting along better, especially Olive. Eve will probably watch Olive and eventually figure out how to play with the new kitties.

  71. Mortgage*

    I just realized that I could pay off my mortgage with my savings, and still have a small amount of savings left (less than the 6 month emergency we hear about). On the plus side, my interest is higher with my mortgage than with my savings, so it seems it would be in fact more savings. Part of me would love to get rid of that debt and I think of all the money I would now be able to keep monthly, perhaps prioritizing bulking up my savings again. At my current rate I still have a few years to go. Any ideas how to make this decision?

    1. Ali G*

      If you mean the interest on your mortgage is higher than the interest on your savings account, you could seriously consider paying it off. Depending on how much you are paying in principal v interest per month, that could be real savings in the long term. If you do decide to do it, make sure that in the beginning, you are saving your previous mortgage payment until you are back to a level you are comfortable with (I like 6 months + emergency money for house repairs, pet emergencies etc.). Like it’s great if you have no mortgage, but if your roof caves in and you need $50k you don’t have to pay for it – then you aren’t really ahead.
      Another option is to make an additional payment equal to the amount of your principal every month. We do this and we expect to cut our mortgage from 30 years to about 20 (and save a lot in interest over time).

    2. acmx*

      I would pay the mortgage off. Part of the 6 months emergency fund includes housing so you’d be able to reduce the amount by the amount of your P&I.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I already started paying down my mortgage. Without making any more extra payments, I will pay off a 30 year mortgage in 16 years as it stands now. I am hoping I will find some extra payments in a bit. I vote for pay it off.

    4. Apollo Warbucks*

      Are there any pelanties for repaying early? If not I’d pay off my mortgage and then start saving again each month.

      Have you looked at the mortgage over payment calculators online? They’ll show you how much interest you’ll save by overpaying.

    5. WellRed*

      Michelle Singletary talks a lot about this kind of thing. She’d probably want you to have a bit more in savings, then pay it off. Color of Money is her WaPo column.

    6. Magrat*

      This doesn’t need to be an all or nothing decision. Maybe trying paying half off and then see how you feel about paying the rest?

      1. Bagpuss*

        This is what I was going to suggest. Could you retain a 6 month cushion of savings and use the rest to reduce your mortgage?
        Also consider the actual numbers- if paying off the mortgage in full would leave you with a 4 month cushion that’s different to paying it off and ring left with a 1 month cushion, for instance.

        If you do pay it off or down, use the money you save each month to build your savings back up until they are at a level you are comfortable with.

    7. ..Kat..*

      The big problem with paying it all off now, is that you will tie up all this money. If you have an emergency or lose your job, you would be stuck. Just something to think about.

    8. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I’m cautious, so I’m with everyone who suggests to pay only some off so that you keep a good cushion in savings. The economy is showing signs of a potential downturn coming up, which makes me nervous (but I’m in a somewhat volatile industry and worry about layoffs, YMMV).

    9. irene adler*

      I’m assuming you reside in USA.

      How will not having a mortgage interest write-off affect your taxes?

      IS there are better rate of return available elsewhere? See, if the house doesn’t appreciate in value very much over the years, and you can find an investment elsewhere that does appreciate well over time, then you might consider doing the investment. Talking about mutual funds and the like.

      Make your money work for you.

  72. AlligatorSky*

    Hey guys! It’s been a while since I last checked in!

    What is going on with the government shutdown in the US? What’s it all about? From a non-American, it’s very confusing! (Maybe I’m just dumb..)

    1. Llellayena*

      It’s a long round of male-ego head butting over a wall that one side assumes will immediately fix an illegal alien problem and the other side thinks is an overreaction and not the best solution. With a whole lot of unrelated, lower income workers stuck on the middle. Just pray it ends before the rent is due…

        2. ..Kat..*

          A quick google tells me that 93% of the Senate is male, 89% of the House of Reps is male, and 100% of the president is male. But, sure, it’s sexist not to blame women!

    2. fposte*

      Hey, people were asking after you just a week or so ago!

      I think Llellayena probably has covered the shutdown.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Hey there, omg wow, people were asking after me? Ahh that makes me feel all happy and fuzzy! <3

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Hey! I still live at home; I was supposed to move out with a friend last year but unfortunately those plans fell through. Thankfully my relationship with my mother is A LOT better than it was 2/3 years ago. I somehow found the courage to grow a backbone and not let her walk all over me. I’m not as confined now as I was back then, I pretty much do what I want in the house/come and ago whenever I want (within reason, of course), and my mother and I very rarely fight – and if we do, it’s over something ridiculously trivial.

        We don’t have a perfect relationship (heck, do they even exist?) but we’re back to the way we were when I was 15/16 and she was my best friend. She doesn’t control me at all now, which is great. I got some help with my bank account and managed to lock her out completely – Surprisingly she took this rather well. Now the only time she has access to my account is when I need help with something (I have aspergers, so I struggle with some things), and even then, she helps me on my own laptop, so she can’t see any passwords or anything.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Hey, AS! How are you doing?

      Americans are crazy. I say that as an American. It’s supposed to be confusing, some of us like to mix real issues with wrong conclusions and fake answers. It’s our process. We have been functioning this way for 200 plus years. However the news media did not spread the word as much in by-gone centuries.
      There is that portion of our country that remains sane, though.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Hey, I’m doing okay, how are you?

        Parts of my life are great! I’ve got a job in finance that pays well and I really like, I’m getting praise from my manager, and for the first time in my life, it’s a job I’m actually good at! I’ve got some really exciting trips coming up in the next few weeks to places I’ve never been to, to see my two favourite bands live. Last month I achieved my childhood dream and got my first professional film credit! I have my own IMDB page! I’m a runner and set decorator; and I’ve been asked to work on another film later this year. I’m still at home but getting on much better with my mother. The restrictions and control that bounded me 2/3 years ago no longer exist.

        Downside is that my depression is still insanely difficult to deal with, I near enough fight my thoughts every single day. My job in finance is only temporary, and I haven’t heard anything back about my contract being extended again. They’ve been waiting on approval for weeks and they’re starting to think they won’t be able to keep me on. The thought of being unemployed and having to start all over again is terrifying me. Then to top it off, my Grandad whom I loved so much passed away in September. Now I don’t have any grandparents left. When I was a teenager and struggling with thoughts of taking my own life, they were the reason I kept going. I loved them so much I couldn’t do that to them. Now both are gone, and I’m starting to feel like I have nothing holding me back. It sucks.

        One thing I love about Americans is how fascinating they are to me. When I was in Florida in 2008 the people there kept asking me to say random words because they were so amused by my Scottish accent. I’ve never had anyone admire my accent before; so that was very cool!

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I am so glad things are better on the home front. And I am happy to hear about your job, I hope you get extended. You will have to let us know how that goes.
          Very, very sorry about your grandparents. Losing people is hard. Losing special people is like a baseball bat to the knees. Have you thought about joining a grief group or getting a book about what the grief process is? Neither the books, nor the groups are horrible, but it’s really easy to imagine a grief book or grief group as being insurmountable. Starting is the hardest part, once started, it gets easier quickly.

          I love your Scottish accent and you are just typing here. lol. I also like British and Irish accents. Well, this is a part of my heritage for one thing but also the inflections just sound melodic and soothing to me. I could listen all day. I always wonder at what point do I become a rude person, so I try to “hide” most of my interest.

        2. tangerineRose*

          I don’t know what your beliefs are, but would it help to think of your grandparents looking lovingly down on you and wanting the best for you?

        3. Woodswoman*

          I’m glad to hear you living situation is much improved and that your mom can’t access your bank account anymore. I hope she didn’t toss things of yours when she was threatening that, and your belongings are now safe.

          I’m sorry to hear about your depression and the loss of your grandparents. I second other suggestions to find a grief group if possible. Speaking from experience, that connection around a common experience can be really affirming during a painful time.

      1. Walker*

        I read the commenting guidelines and I am having a hard time finding where it says politics are banned. Is there another link that gives further guidance on commenting that I may have missed?

  73. Kuododi*

    In the name of all that’s holy!!! I’m currently out of town with my parents for my beloved aunt’s birthday. Starts with 12 hrs in a car with my parents and my mother’s dementia…..(she was mean before the dementia…now her social filters are gone and she’s downright nasty!). I have a distant relative who was at the party who’s every bad stereotype of the loud, racist, misogynist, homophobic, Bible thumper country pastor. I have done my best to stay at opposite ends of the party from him. Tomorrow will be another 12 hrs on the road with my parents for the return trip. ( I don’t drink alcohol however Id reconsider that policy if it weren’t for my meds. This is wretched.). I know I signed up for this trip….for better or worse this fell under the heading of ” needs to be done bc it’s the right thing to do.”. There’s no magic answer for this situation, I have simply got to suck it up and deal…..it will be over tomorrow night. Thanks for listening.

    2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      are you driving? if not, benadryl/one of the sleeping medications to cause you to doze off. Sorry, mom, my allergies…. and second on the earbuds.

      1. Kuododi*

        Actually my Dad insists on driving. (Long story….major control stuff!). Short answer….he’s a risk bc he’s so exhausted from Mom’s long term care that he’s a concern to fall asleep driving. I have to stay awake and relieve him at the wheel. Otherwise my ability to fall asleep as a passenger in the car is the stuff of family legend. I have packed a good book to keep me distracted from drama. Also, I spent the bulk of the time on the trip down just chattering with Dad about everything I could think of. (Movies and music choices even telling him about different Myth busters episodes bc he loves to hear about their funny projects to solve questions and blow things up.). Mom was in back seat in her own world and occasionally complaining she “couldn’t hear” and what we were talking about ” makes no sense to me…it’s ridiculous” Deep Breaths in and out!!!

          1. valentine*

            Suffering for 24 hours, supporting a reckless driver, and sharing space with a racist, misogynistic homophobe are not the right things to do. You can choose any day on the calendar for special time with your aunt, let your parents sort themselves, and entirely shun the racist, misogynistic homophobe.

          2. Kuododi*

            No headphones available ..however I have a number of sedating meds in my travel bag. I’m keeping that plan on hand as an option if she gets much worse. (Spike her sweet tea!!!)

            1. Kuododi*

              Well….we are back in home town. 12 hrs down and 12 hrs back!!! No one resorted to violence and I believe I am still sane!!! ( No promises however.). Mom was obviously at the end of her rope so needless to say she was hyper sensitive and b****y ( Worse than usual.). My goal was to stay calm and only engage with her when absolutely necessary. We all survived so I achieved my goal!!! I don’t regret the trip bc my being there was important for my aunt, so it was the right thing to do. Thanks bunches and bunches for listening!!! Good night all and many blessings.

  74. Akcipitrokulo*

    Just finished Carpet Diem… again :)

    Not sure what to move onto next – I got the first Rivers of London book for christmas so think that in the morning!

      1. Akcipitrokulo*

        Thank you :) I hadn’t heard of it before but was boight for me by someone who knows me well!

  75. Nervous Accountant*

    Flying out tonight. This coming Thursday, Jan 10, will have been 1 year since my father passed away. One year on, and the pain is still fresh and raw. Just the other day, for a half second the thought was in my mind “I gotta call dad”. Remembering what happened is worse than the thought not even occurring.

    4. Belle of the Midwest*

      There is no deadline or timeline for grief. Be gentle with yourself when these moments and days come around.

  76. Loopy*

    Does anyone else get nervous posting about real life situations here? I posted about one up thread and it’s pretty identifiable but of the four humans on the planet who know about it two are myself and fiance (who would never find it) and I’m pretty darn sure other two don’t read here, wouldn’t be in a weekend open thread if they did…and wouldn’t be reading closely enough to stumble on it. The chances are so, SO slim and yet…

    I didn’t say anything nasty but I am clearly frustrated!

    I can’t be the only one who sometimes worries a little?

    1. Doctor is In*

      Yes, I am in the medical field and am very careful to be vague. Also have gotten some pretty unkind comments in replies so do not want anyone to guess who I might be.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      Yeah, there are things I would love to hear the Ask a Manager community comment on (work-related and not-work-related), but I just can’t share those things here, because there’s only so much I can anonymize the details and still get informed opinions.

      1. Harvey P. Carr*

        “there’s only so much I can anonymize the details and still get informed opinions.”

        I don’t know if you’ve thought of this or not: write a draft of your question offline (in a word processing document) with all of the facts as they really are. Real names, real places, etc. Then – make a copy of that document, and edit it to make it anonymous. (You’re making a copy before editing so that if something happens to the copy, or you don’t like what you’ve done, you can go back to the original, create another copy, and start again.)

        If and when you’re comfortable with the anonymity level of the edited version, you can cut-and-paste it and submit it, then delete the word processing documents (unless you want to keep them).

        In general – and this is good advice for everybody – if you’re working on a post for Ask A Manager, and you sense that it’s going to be a long one, stop working on it in the comment box, cut-and-paste it to a word processing document, and work on it there, making sure to save it every so often. That way if there are any snafus online, your work isn’t lost – I know from experience that if I have to recreate something I’ve written, it’s not always as good as the original straight-from-my-head-to-the-screen thoughts.

        1. Anonymous Educator*

          Yeah, but the problem with the details isn’t just the names of the people involved, sometimes it’s the actual details themselves.

    3. WellRed*

      I posted about something weird a coworker did and got a lot of comments guessing, correctly, other things about this coworker. The chance was one in a billion she’d ever see it, but I felt a bit bad.

    4. HannahS*

      Yeah. I feel like over the years, I’d be reasonably identifiable given that my age, gender, course of study, and country are on here. Add in an unusual chronic illness and one specific incident at school that I asked advice over, and BLAM I think I’m kind of identifiable to anyone who knows me well.

    5. Sparkly Lady*

      You are not the only one at all!

      I don’t have a lot of real-life relationships where I can talk about work or work-type of questions, so I wish I felt more comfortable using open threads for wisdom. But the times I’ve tried, I’ve had to be so vague to keep situations anonymous that people ended up missing the core issues (and responses felt meaner than I was comfortable with).

  77. Lady Jay*

    Map my Run versus Strava?

    I’ve been running for years but this year I want a fitness tracker as an easy way to keep track of the total miles run in any given day/week/month (innate app on my phone doesn’t work so hot). Data is interesting to me, but I don’t care about things like whether its little computerized voice encourages me onward. Suggestions?

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Map My Run works totally smoothly for me (though I only use it on my laptop and not on my phone). I can’t comment on Strava; never tried it. But I love Map My Run.

    2. TheWorstEmployeeInTheWorld*

      I use Strava because a long distance friend was using it so we became running buddies on there. I basically just use it to track my runs for my own curiosity, which is helpful to see how many miles I’ve done or if my time is improving. I’m not training for anything or doing more than setting small short-term goals for myself. I’ve also done a few Lululemon challenges on there, which result in discounts on more shiny workout clothes. Can’t say if it’s better or worse than Map My Run but I have no complaints.

  78. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Corporate America/ethical dilemma question:

    I ordered shoes online from a major department store chain. Three days ago, I received notification that they were delivered. As of this morning, no shoes were to be found anywhere.

    Since I figured they were lost after two and a half days, I called the department store’s 800 number and explained the situation. They initially said they would re-send the shoes, then found they were completely out of stock, so they offered me a refund. I accepted.

    This evening, I came home from work to find the shoes at my door. They were marked as delivered Wednesday but arrived Saturday. Yup. The shoes fit perfectly, and it’s a real challenge for me to find shoes I like. But now that I undeservedly got a free pair of shoes, I feel like if I dare to wear them, I’m going to be struck by lightning or trip and break my ankle or something.

    So if you were in my shoes (haha), what would you do?*
    (A) Call the department store’s 800 number back, explain the situation and ask them to reverse the refund. But I’m imagining the order is probably gone or closed and this will create a frustrating experience for everyone.
    (B) Donate the shoes to charity, and get different shoes. Problem is, I kind of want the shoes.
    (C) Make a charitable contribution in the dollar amount of the shoes to the department store’s charitable foundation.
    (D) None of the above?

    *Assuming the refund actually was processed and does go through. I never received any sort of confirmation that this was done, so all of this might be moot if my money isn’t refunded.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Yup, call them. This might surprise you, but this kind of thing happens a lot. You are doing nothing wrong if you wear the shoes! Just call them and explain, and they will figure it out. As long as you’re willing to pay for your merchandise, you’re in good shape.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. I remember a story of a family member who did not pay and kept the merchandise. She never got enjoyment out of it because the merchandise became damaged and unusable. Karma? That is what she thought, she said, “I should have just paid for it.”

    3. Ali G*

      Yes call them. Worst case scenario they charge your card again. But you’d be surprised – they might do nothing, to make you a return customer. It’s not a lot of money to them.
      A former co-worker of mine bought a coffee press. First time she used it, it cracked. So she called the company and they shipped her a replacement. The replacement didn’t come. So she called again, and they sent another. Then both showed up. She called to tell them she got two, they said not to worry about it. Somehow that call triggered them to send her yet another press! I ended up with a free French press and she stopped calling them :)

      1. valentine*

        Yes, do A because, if it’s onerous for them to reverse the refund, they’ll let you keep it and everyone’s happy. After all, it’s not the customer service rep’s money. They want you happy and their ticket time short. There’s at least one shipping company that marks things delivered early. I really feel for their drivers who feel the need to do that.

    4. Enough*

      Just had something similar happen. Daughter ordered shoes before Christmas with expected deliver in plenty of time before she flew back to school. Got confirmation order and that they had shipped with FedEx tracking number. FedEx site says the have received shipping information but that’s all. One week after expected delivery date I call FedEx who claims their system shows no package picked up for delivery and I need to contact seller. So I call, apparently having a glitch between them and FedEx is not unusual. Only solution is to cancel order and reorder. But of course they are now out of her size in the color she wanted. While on hold with them as they checked if there was anything else they could do FedEx delivered the shoes. I should have asked them for reimbursement for mailing the shoes to my daughter. And of course if I knew they would get here when they did I would have waited to send the jackets she forgot (apparently it was my fault for hanging them up in the closet). So two visits to the post office in one day.

    5. Drew*

      I ordered an item from Amazon. Right as it was being delivered (the doorbell and email ping were literally seconds from each other), I got email from them saying “Your package has been lost in the post and we’ll refund your card.” I had a brief moment of “cool, free stuff” before I made my mother proud and contacted them to say, “Uh, this thing that you think was lost is sitting right here next to me.”

      It happens a lot, I guess.

    6. MissDisplaced*

      Call them and explain the situation. They may be able to halt/reverse the refund. They may also just write it off.
      Zulily sometimes does that, as they don’t always allow returns. But if you call, they’ll give you store credit.

    7. Nacho*

      I work in a call center. The agents who issue refunds are entirely separate from the ones who theoretically have the power to stop a refund from being processed if it hasn’t been already. And if it’s already started to process, then the ball’s no longer even in our court anymore. I’m sure there’s theoretically a team who could reverse refunds, but I doubt even my bosses boss knows who it is, and we would never try to call them just because somebody didn’t deserve a refund they got.

      If you call the store, they’ll tell you to keep the shoes because they’re hoping the good customer service of issuing you a full refund solely on your word that you didn’t get the shoes is worth more than they cost. Which, to be fair, it kind of should be. If you feel like you don’t deserve the money, tell a few of your friends about the great experience, and consider ordering from them again as a first choice in the future.

    8. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Thanks, everyone. It sounds like calling is the proper thing to do here, so that’s what I’ll do. :-)

    9. Utoh!*

      I had a different experience when I ordered an item from Walmart and then forgot about it for a few months. It was never delivered, and the only notification I received was that it was in transit and if it were not for me noticing I never received it, I’m sure they would have happily accepted my money w/out me getting my item. Of course the item was “lost” in transit and now out of stock, so they refunded my money…I think…I’m going to go check now to make sure!

    10. Hobbert*

      Something similar just happened with me and an Amazon gift card. It was delivered a week late after they already refunded my money. I just clicked the “problem with my order” box and reported that now I had both the gift card and the money, so what would they like to do? They said keep it!

      This sort of thing isn’t uncommon. Just give them a call and see what they say.

    11. Observer*

      B and C are feel good moves that do nothing to improve the ethics of the situation. Either you are ethically entitled to wear those shoes or you aren’t and charitable donations are not going to change that.

      I’d say that the ethical thing to do is to call them and tell them what happened. Either they have a system in place to reverse the refund or they will tell you to keep the shoes. Whichever they chose, you’re fine.

    12. Marion Ravenwood*

      I’ve just had something similar happen with a dress I ordered in the sale – got an email Thursday saying it had been left in ‘a secure location’, nowhere to be found, chased up the retailer and the courier Friday, both parcels arrived Saturday evening. The retailer sent me a replacement before the original order arrived, so I’ve gone back to them today to see what to do next. I imagine they’ll just say ‘send one of them back’, but will wait and see.

      In your case, I’d call the department store and see what they tell you. Worst case scenario, you pay for the shoes (as you would have done anyway). Best case, they say ‘don’t worry about it’, and then if you still feel bad you can donate the money to charity.

  79. Anonymous Educator*

    Wow. Just saw Bumblebee. I wasn’t expecting much. Figured it would be a mindless action movie. It was so, so good. Maybe not quite Into the Spiderverse good, but close. And if you’re a Gen X’er, there are so many well-placed 80s references, it’s ridiculous (in a good way).

  80. another Sarah*

    Am I wrong or out of line for being angry about this? I have a relative that has been unemployed for 18 months after her last job didn’t work out and she was let go. She had some savings and is getting help from her parents and other relatives have been helping when we can because she is a great person and we want to help. Right after Christmas she asked me for $400 for an emergency. I gave the money because she said it was for something important and essential that was an emergency. I found out that she used the money to have her hair done on NYE ($250) and to go out ($150). She had her roots touched up, blonde highlights put in and had it trimmed and styled into a wavy type style. She went out on NYE.

    I am furious because in my mind that is not an emergency and she lied to me. I mean if she had asked for money for her hair I may have given her some or a gift card for a cheaper salon. Maybe even the full amount. When I asked her about it she said she used it for groceries. I found out from social media where she posted the pictures. She eventually admitted to lying to me. If I had known she didn’t have plans I would have invited her out. I don’t think unemployed people don’t deserve nice things but I think it is wrong that she told me it was for an emergency and then for groceries when it wasn’t. She had to use a food bank because she spent the money I gave her on her hair and NYE outing instead of food when she had none in the house.

    I am really upset. She thinks I am overreacting and she didn’t do anything wrong. I am employed and can afford my bills but I don’t have a lot for extras since I want to pay my student loans this year.

    She isn’t a kid. She is 34 years old. Before this she supported herself for the last 10 years before she was unemployed. Like I said, I would have probably helped her find a cheaper salon for a cut and planned a fun night in for NYE if I knew she was alone as I also live alone and don’t have kids like her and stayed in. Because I gave her that money I had to buy my shampoo, deodorant and other personal hygiene stuff at the dollar store this month and I didn’t by a concert ticket to go out with my friends on NYE.

    Sorry this was long but I am angry. I want her to pay me back. I am wondering if she lied about the other times I have helped her or if she has lied to other relatives about needing money even though she said she didn’t. Do I confront her? Ask for the money back? Tell our other relatives? Stew privately and leave it alone? I am seriously considering no longer having contact with her and avoiding her at family events. Am I overreacting?

    1. Enough*

      Do not give her any more money without specific information. And only if you can pay directly like utility bill.

      1. valentine*

        You’re right to be angry, but you’re way too intensely involved and secretly martyring yourself and blaming her for it. She gets to use money in ways you wouldn’t. Maybe she feels like complete crap and gave herself a night not to. There’s no beauty bank and, as you’ve shown, people are judgmental about the spending decisions of the unemployed. I only give to strangers I trust will use the money as stated and tell them to enjoy it if it ends up being extra (after all, they’re going to need extra to avoid needing future help). With strangers, there’s no bad blood or ancient dynamics at play.

        You can leave this here. She was fine before you decided to give her money. She’ll be fine now you’ve stopped. Don’t give her any more money. No receipts or paying her bills yourself or other monitoring. Only tell your relatives if they ask why you’re not giving her money. Reset your relationship if you want to be friendly. Stay out of her money and other troubles, though. Don’t be her ventee or sounding board. Let her be. Save your money for yourself until you have enough to give without sacrificing, and then give, if you want, but not to her.

        1. Nope*

          “She gets to use money in ways you wouldn’t. Maybe she feels like complete crap and gave herself a night not to. There’s no beauty bank and, as you’ve shown, people are judgmental about the spending decisions of the unemployed”

          No way. This is completely off base. She said it was an emergency. Than she lied again when it was called out and said it was for groceries. But she had to use a bank bank because she used the money on her hair and new years.

          OP was not judging at all. If you read the post you would see that she says unemployed people shouldn’t be denied nice things. But she was lied to. She also said she would have helped her family member to find a cheaper place to get her hair done and would have planned a nice NYE for her.

          Calling the OK judgemental was uncalled for. You are completely wrong about this. Her relative is at fault. If it wasn’t a problem why didn’t she tell OP what the money was for? OP isn’t a martyr. She was lied to period full stop.

          1. tangerineRose*

            I agree with another Sarah – this was wrong of her relative. She shouldn’t have lied about it. Plus, another Sarah has to scrimp and scrape because she loaned the money.

        2. Hadrian*

          OP is rightly blaming her because she is to blame. Your advice doesn’t make any sense. Telling her reset and be friendly? She lied. I don’t care how crappy she felt. She spent $400 on hair and a night out and then had to use a food bank. That is irresponsible. She lied and took advantage and the rest of the family deserves to know. I can’t believe you are seriously suggesting OP stop blaming her or that OP is wrong. That’s far from the actual truth.

        3. Namey McNameface*

          Wow – projecting, much? It’s not “secretly martyring yourself” to help out a relative you think is genuinely in need. Nobody’s criticising the relative for having her hair done. It’s the deception that is the problem here.

          The person who was 100% in the wrong was the person who lied to get money from other people. It’s reasonable to trust that family members will be honest with you when they ask for money due to hardship. Stop blaming the OP.

          1. Anonno*

            Yes, and posting about it on social media was insulting to the OP on top of this. OP deserves to be angry. I say distance yourself and don’t give her more money.

        4. Rebecca*

          You’re way off base here. If someone comes to me and says “I have no food, and I need gas for my car, and I’m out of money because of I’m unemployed, this is an emergency” and I give them money to help out, and I find out they went for a fancy haircut and night out instead I’d be angry too! And even more so when I found out they were lying to me. If you need a haircut and feel you need a night out, and don’t have money for it, be up front!

          And this person would have burned a bridge with me. I’d be very skeptical the next time they asked me for help, although they may not for a while given how this turned out.

    2. fposte*

      Wow. I would be pretty pissed if I were you too.

      On the what do you want to do front, here’s my thinking. You gave her the money. It doesn’t make sense to ask for gifted money back in the best of times, and you know she doesn’t have the money anyway, so I wouldn’t ask for the money back.

      I wouldn’t “confront her” per se, but I’d send her a message via text or wherever you guys usually communicate. “Jane, I’m really unhappy that the money you asked me for on an emergency basis turned out to be for a hair stylist appointment. That money was earmarked for paying back my student loan, not for highlights, whether for you or for me. I think you deliberately misled me, and I’m hurt and angry. So I’m going to need to take some time away from contact with you, and I hope down the line you’ll give that money to somebody who is in genuine need instead.”

      Then do it–mute her, block her, whatever. And I’m thinking she’s got some disordered thinking going on if she had to go to a food bank as a result of this, and that maybe that it’s not entirely random that her last job didn’t work out; if so, you’d probably rather be you than her, and think about how that feels. And then try to let her go out of your head.

      1. WellRed*

        Like all of this. She should know what you sacrificed and that you need a break from her. Don’t ask for money back, but don’t give her any more.

      2. Anono-me*

        This is very good advice.

        I don’t suggest making a family wide announcement about your relative’s behavior, but I do think that you might want to consider privately sharing what happened with individual family members who could wind up in the same situation.

      3. Anonno*

        Yeah, either disordered thinking or stuff going on in her life that you don’t know about. I would probably just mute/block her and if she didn’t get the hint, ask her to stop contacting you for a while because of what happened.

    3. Loopy*

      I’d be angry too and need some time away from this person. If she seems clueless about the fact that what she did was wrong, then its unlikely any further discussion will do much than extend the hurt you’re feeling. Honestly, I wouldn’t give her money after this. She really abused it. I think resolving not to let it happen again will help you move on at least a little.

    4. Temperance*

      Do everything except stew privately. $400 is a lot of money.

      I regularly see advice to not give away money you can’t afford to lose, and while that makes sense, you can absolutely ask for it back.

    5. MissDisplaced*

      You’re not over reacting. Spending $400 on that crap when you are unemployed is ridiculous. It’s not that the unemployed shouldn’t get a hair cut/style or color, especially if they have an interview or something, but there are way less expensive ways to achieve it.
      I would say this is not a friend?

    6. TryingToReadHere*

      You aren’t overreacting. $400 is A LOT of money and it was a big sacrifice for you (you had to shop at the dollar store, forgo a night out with your friends, and had less money to put toward your student loans). She LIED to you twice (about having an emergency and then about having bought groceries) and used the money on frivolous, expensive things when there were cheaper alternatives. And now she’s saying lying was okay and you’re overreacting. That is so incredibly messed up.

      I wouldn’t bother asking for the money back since she’s unemployed and can’t pay you back.

      I think cutting contact and avoiding her at family events is reasonable. I had a very close friend who lied to me in a big way, and I cut them off immediately. Five years later, I still feel that cutting them off was a good decision. I couldn’t trust them anymore and it totally changed my feelings toward them so there was no reason to have them in my life any longer.

      I’d let other relatives know about this. If I were them, I’d want to know so I could make sure money I was giving her was actually being used on important things. It’ll also explain why you’re avoiding her at family events and it might keep them from bringing her up during conversations.

    7. Jaid_Diah*

      Some “emergency”! A friend of mine would do something like that, but give money to her boyfriends to support them. She finally stopped doing that when she had some medical emergencies and realized she had no real savings. :-(
      It bothers me to hear about your situation and you have my sympathies. My response would be to let your other relatives know that maybe she can’t be trusted with cash, put her on ignore, and then not expect her to pay you back. Goodness only knows where she’d get the money from.

    8. CatCat*

      You’re not overreacting. She lied. It was a significant lie. I’d be pretty frosty toward her and I would let her know why. I’d never give money to her again, that’s for damned sure.

    10. Namey McNameface*

      This is why there are laws against this type of thing. She defrauded you.

      I don’t know how successful you would be in getting your money back. But I would tell everyone and never give her money ever again.

    11. Damn it, Hardison!*

      She lied to you because she knew what she was doing was wrong. You have every right be to angry. It’s hard when it comes to families, but you have to look out for yourself first. It sounds doubtful that she can/will pay you back, so for peace of mind perhaps write it off for now.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      In my mind, $400 is a very large loan. If I asked for that kind of money it would only be because I did not eat last week and I would like to eat this week. I’d have to be pretty desperate.

      So you know I have a story, right? I would get presents for Christmas and birthdays for my Dear Family Member (DFM) and her hubby and kiddo. Some years I gave up things I wanted or needed in order to do this. This is a person I care about very much. I noticed something odd, the presents I gave her got broken with in a very short time of being unwrapped. One item was out of the box 8 minutes and it some how got broken. This happened about 5 or 6 times. Finally there was a $12 lawn ornament, I really loved it and wanted one for myself. But I bought it for her instead. She left it out all winter and, of course, it broke during the harsh storms. This was so preventable. When I asked her about it she said, “It’s just things.” I worked for a full hour (before taxes) to pay for that “just things”. It was cute, it was the kind of thing that makes people smile. And she allowed it to be destroyed.

      Mountains out of molehills, right? That is what I told myself. Then I realized NO. I did not see anyone else in my life breaking so many of my gifts. On the rare occasion that something broke, the person was MORTIFIED. This is totally opposite from what I saw with DFM.

      I could not change DFM, but I could change what I was doing. It may sound snarky on the surface, but what I did was I quit giving her gifts. After all, if it’s just things then really there is no need to gift each other. I told her that we had reached an age where we had stuff and any more stuff is just clutter. I said, let’s give each other the gift of relief of not having to pay for gifts for each other.

      Then I analyzed what went wrong here, you can look over my conclusions and see if anything resonates.

      1) I gave too much. I gave up things I wanted so I could get things for her.
      2) She did not value gifts the same way I value gifts. I see it as time people spent working to pay for the item. She sees just an item.
      3) I had to take a hard look at who she really is. I had spent to much time thinking about the person she could be or should be. This was wrong of me. I mean that sincerely, I don’t like it when people superimpose their views of what I should be on me, why am I doing it to someone else? Yes, she is a nice person and in some ways she is a better person than I will ever be. However, gifting her is not a relationship building nor a relationship affirming thing for her. Gifts mean nothing. Additionally she put me down for being upset.

      My punchline, you are older and wiser each day. So now you see how your relative operates. You can decide that you handle money differently, so you can’t support her endeavors financially any more. Perhaps a shift to non-financial support is your solution. This means giving advice or lending an ear. Perhaps she needs help moving so you decide you are willing to help. Perhaps you are willing to loan things to her, such as books or tools. Shift what you are doing to support/encourage this person.

      I think you are saying that your rule of thumb is you would not spend $250 on your hair. But you accidentally spent it on her hair. You feel taken. This is fair, don’t let her tell you otherwise. Added wrinkle, she lied about the use of the money. She KNEW she was breaking through your boundaries, that is why she lied. You can no longer trust her to use the money the ways she says she will. It’s totally reasonable to not give her any money for anything any more. Trust is broken here.

      I’m sorry but I have to say, she is 34. It’s time for her to get a handle on stuff like this. If I could not afford to go out on New Years I stayed home. It sucked but I lived. As the years rolled by I realized most of my friends and family could not afford holiday partying. The solution was for us to do something low key together at home. I rang in the new year with other broke people. We had a good time in spite of spending very little money.

    13. t.i.a.s.p.*

      I would also be furious. Maybe if you were wealthy and that $400 was literally nothing to you, then let it go. But clearly $400 matters to you and it was an actual sacrifice (being in debt longer, cutting spending on necessary items).

      Realistically, I can’t see you getting it back. Nevertheless, I think I would ask for it back, not so much because I thought I’d get it back but because it should put a damper on her approaching you for money again.

      And going forward, if she ever did ask for money again, I’d be evaluating the request based on is this money I am willing to spend on her getting an expensive hairdo. The answer to that would be no unless I was living a standard of life where I could afford luxuries for myself that were equivalent to an expensive hairdo.

    14. LGC*

      I mean…if you drill down deep enough, she DID have an emergency need to be cute on NYE…

      Okay, I’ll stop with the jokes. Everyone else has said WHY this was messed up and her potential issues. For what it’s worth, I think…you can still help her, just not with money. Or at the very most, gift cards. (But honestly at this point I’d be leery of even those because you can resell gift cards.)

      And if you don’t want to help her, you’re justified. Not because she spends her money foolishly (I think she does, but that’s not the important thing to me), but because she…scammed you out of $400. It’s tough language, but I think it’s fair – she misdirected you about why she needed the money (and I agree, going out on New Year’s Eve is NOT an emergency even if it’s December 30th and you have no money to go out). You have every right to be angry.

      I think the money itself is a lost cause, personally. If you want to hold her to a long-term payment plan you can try but I wouldn’t count on it.

      1. LGC*

        So I read your letter more deeply, and…I don’t stand by my initial comment. Mostly because I was being far too nice to your relative. I missed the part where you giving her money impacted you so directly, where you had to cancel your plans and buy cheaper products for yourself!

        As for cutting off all contact with her: You’re fine with cutting off contact temporarily with her at least. I’d almost say that’s a good thing because she is gaslighting you and making you doubt that it’s a problem she misled you about $400.

        Also, I do want to walk back the judgment about her spending $400 on NYE in general. I’m also 34, I’m kind of broke, and I would…probably not spend $400 on NYE. (Definitely not out drinking and dancing.) I’d find it wasteful. But I think calling it “foolish” might be judgmental of people living in poverty. If you want to spend large amounts of money on things that aren’t essential, that’s your choice (and a lot of times you CAN support some of that). The big issue to me is the misdirection and directly hurting Sarah, not the actual going out.

        Basically, the relative isn’t an idiot for showing up to the food bank looking cute. She’s a jerk because she did that on Sarah’s dime and Sarah had to go without because of it.

    15. Triplestep*

      I would be upset over this, too.

      If you want to continue to help her, I would see if the grocery store where she shops can issue a re-fillable gift card. Then set it up to put $10 or $20 a month (or whatever you can afford) until she’s on her feet. That way you *know* where the money is going. If she wants to spend money on frivolous things (or things most people would consider luxury items) she can save her other funds for that. You get to feel good that you’re still helping, and you can stop worrying about being lied to or manipulated.

    16. Brandy*

      Ok. This is complete Devils Advocate because I am right there with you and ragey.

      BUT.

      What kind of career/lifestyle did she have pre unemployment? For a haircut/color, some people do spend $300+ Regularly. Is it *possible* that she had the salon appt and it was more or less “maintenance” to keep up her hair/look and happened to be well timed for NYE? Therefore, she could be getting longer term use out of the $ as she continues to search for jobs and doesn’t have hair where her roots are half grown out?

      I certainly wouldn’t think one needs a $400 haircut to look professional, and I can’t explain away lying about groceries, but just a thought. I’m sure this is too generous and I would personally cease all funds. “Nice hair, I thought you couldn’t feed yourself? Don’t ask me for money again.”

      1. Brandy*

        Or you could go with simply, “heynsince yoj didn’t use the money I gave you for groceries, I’d like it back. Thanks.”

    17. Kuododi*

      You aren’t crazy or out of line for your feelings. They are simply a part of your experience at this time. I’m very sympathetic. DH siblings live from financial crisis to crisis. One of them is even willing to use their special needs child as a manipulation tool. ( IOW ” Give me $$$ for X or my child will do without.”). I want to jump through the phone and slap this in-law repeatedly about the head and shoulders. DH and I had multiple conversations with each other before he was able to get alright with the idea of saying “no” and sticking to what he said. He finally connected with the understanding that money problems aren’t solved with money. Our respective relatives managed to get along before hitting us up for $$ they magically always manage to get their needs met without benefit of our limited resources. Best of luck with your situation. I have faith in you. Remember, if you choose to give $$ to family…only give what you can afford to never see again. Hang in there!!!

  81. MechanicalPencil*

    Does anyone have a steam mop recommendation? I use a regular mop to clean my laminate floors, but I don’t feel like they’re really as clean as they could be. I do have pets, so that likely contributes to that feeling.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I have a Shark and I love it. I have heard, though, that you’re not supposed to use a steam mop on laminate floors, so check your manufacturer’s specs before you invest in the steam mop. (Full disclosure: I use mine on my laminate floors every two months or so and have never had a problem.)

    2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Check – we just installed our vinyl plank floors in our bedroom, and they, too, say “do not use” the steam mop. We have done it quite a bit on the older vinyl in the living room, and it is not looking quite as good… I don’t know if it is the steam mop or the vinegar solution.

      Cleaning lady loves vinegar but I’ve discovered it may not be good for the grout on the tiled floors, either – I have to find out if it is sealed.

      The other steam mop issue is that the cheap bathroom vanity (home depot) is de-laminating from it, from the floor up. So far I see no damage to the other baseboards or the kitchen cabinet bases, but…. may give it up. I can afford to replace the bathroom vanity (don’t want to lose the deposit) but my landlord has a great eye for detail and replacing the kitchen cabinets would be a disaster.

      Or she – and I – need to learn to stay “X” inches away from all wood with it. Now that we have no male dogs, it might be possible to give up the steam.

  82. yuhj*

    Alison – you put weekend free-for-all – January 5-6, “2018” in the title not weekend free-for-all – January 5-6, 2019!

      1. another Sarah*

        You’re not alone Alison. I went back to work on January 3 after 12 days off. On both Thursday and Friday I wrote 2018 dozens of times on all my paperwork and I put it in two different emails when I was discussing meeting dates.

  83. Chaordic One*

    I was very much looking forward to the annual Dr. Who Christmas Special, only to find that it had been postponed to New Year’s Day. So I watched the new episode on New Year’s Day. Am I the only one who was disappointed?

    I think that Jodie Whittaker is a great actor, but she didn’t have very much to work with. This was a decidely “meh” episode and certainly not special. It was like they didn’t have any budget for anything and it was just another run-of-the-mill Dalek story.

    1. Someone Else*

      I was a little confused between the 25th and 31st and did some googling to figure out what was up, but not disappointed by the date shift. It aired on New Year’s Day because the episode took place on New Year’s Day. So it was a New Year’s special this year instead of a Christmas Special, not a postponed episode. Once I knew that, it made sense.

      Or did you mean your disappointment was just with the content of the episode itself, not having to due with the not-a-Christmas-Special-ness of it?

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Not a Doctor Who fan, but I read in the paper that Chris Chibnall, the new person in charge of Doctor Who, doesn’t like Christmas specials.

  84. Effie, who gets to be herself*

    I’m debating finishing rhinestoning a costume piece right now (I’m lucky, it’s a crop top, not a large piece! The front is done and the back is about 1/5 done).

    Does anyone else rhinestone (flatback crystals, not hotfix)? I’ve only tried E6000 and heard conflicted reviews about GemTac.

    1. Sparkly Lady*

      I rhinestone. I don’t use E-6000… too dangerous and I don’t think it’s worth the risk. I do use E-6000 FlexiFuse, though, because it’s much safer vapors and it works well with stretchy fabrics.

      I have some serious rhinestoning friends who love GemTac. GemTac vs. E-6000 (of any kind) seems to be one of those things people have strong feelings about without a lot of evidence for why. I’ve known plenty of rhinestones to fall off with both kinds of adhesives. Gluing technique matters more than the specific kind, IMHO. None of them are magic.

  85. Gaia*

    I’m hoping someone here might be able to give me some direction.

    My grandmother has MS. She was diagnosed back in the early 90s and has, all things considered, done pretty well until recently. She’s lost a lot of strength recently and requires someone to help her stand out of her chair and move into a wheelchair to be taken to the bathroom, moved into bed, etc. She cannot do anything on her own anymore. My mother has been doing this caretaking for her (my grandfather is healthy and strong but has ongoing nerve pain and a poor shoulder which makes it unsafe for him to help). However my mother cannot continue doing this – she has severe arthritis and this is making it to the point that she can barely stand without screaming pain.

    Both grandparents have Medicare. They aren’t wealthy by any means but I don’t believe they would qualify for Medicaid (pensions and savings plus social security and a paid in full house mean that their life is more comfortable than many senior citizens’). I don’t have any idea if Medicare would pay for the type of long term in home care she needs. A nursing home is *not an option.* She has been in one twice (to recover after illnesses) and it was a disaster for her health both times (and, unfortunately, it is the only one in their city that Medicare pays for).

    Can anyone give me any guidance on where to look for answers? My mother and grandfather shut down any talk of in home care because of concerns that, after grandparents are gone “the government” would want to be repaid by the estate (which would be the house which is being left to another grandchild). I have no idea if that is true but even if it is….what other option is there!?

    1. valentine*

      What does Grandma want? Has anyone consulted her?

      In-home care is the obvious answer. Tell them you’re not doing it, that no one person can sustainably do it, and ask what the plan is. Who cares if the state would want to be repaid? Tell them they need to get her the care she needs now and not count their chickens. Things happen. The house could burn or the state could decide they need the land for something and that grandchild will end up without it, anyway. There’s no inheritance until both grandparents are dead, and that’s if no one, like other relatives, exes, or heretofore unknown grand/children make claims on the estate. (Is the grandchild prepared to pay the inheritance tax?) Call an adult services social worker and see what your options are.

      1. Gaia*

        Grandma has no interest in telling anyone what she wants. It is complicated. We ask, she shrugs, her doctors ask, she shrugs. She has opinions about everything except her care.

        It seems simple from the outside to say the inheritance of the house shouldn’t matter but to these people it very much does and for complicated reasons that make it hard to understand from the outside. I get that. It is just hard to get them to see their current situation isn’t sustainable.

    2. Sarah G*

      Look online for a local Council On Aging, an Area Agency on Aging, or Senior Services type agency. Also google whether you have an Aging & Disability Resource Center (ADRC) in your area — it’s a special government designation for agencies that can provide comprehensive information and Options Counseling to older and disabled adults through a combination direct services or referrals. If you don’t have an ADRC, look for Options Counseling. Sorry about your circumstances and hope you find some help with resources and decisions!
      Also, if you’re not sure she doesn’t qualify for Medicaid, look into it and make sure! In most states, Medicaid will pay for some in-home support services, and the income eligibility for Medicaid can allow for deductions for insurance premiums that help some people meet income requirements who wouldn’t otherwise.

    3. chi chan*

      Would some bathroom and room modifications like for paraplegics help? You might have to consult someone with experience rehabilitating people or possibly some disabled people.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          There may be grants available in OP’s county. OP, start by checking with your town clerk then your county clerk. Your looking for an accessibility grant. These types of grants cover outside ramps, bathrooms and other things. Even if you think they may make too much money, still check into this. Some grants have weird ways of calculating income and they may qualify.

      2. Gaia*

        We’ve already done extensive remodels to accommodate wheelchairs, stair chairs, etc. It helped for sometime but now she can’t even get herself in and out of her wheelchair without significant assistance.

    4. Anna*

      They won’t take the house if your grandfather is healthy and living in it, and they won’t possess it later to get repaid. However, if they want to leave the house to a grandchild, they might want to consult with an estate lawyer to set up a trust or otherwise protect the property from Medicaid. Medicaid kicks in when all their assets have been drained, but if you do some legal stuff, you can protect the home from that drainage.

      1. Gaia*

        Thanks, I raised the idea of a trust previously (then it was for tax purposes). I’ll raise it again and see if we can’t talk to the lawyer about this.

    5. IntoTheSarchasm*

      You need some solid information on what Medicare will pay for and the consequences of using Medicare/Medicaid. I know that Medicaid only kicks in when savings are depleted but once you qualify they pay, they don’t come back and require reimbursement as it is hard enough to qualify in the first place. Medicare would rather keep people in their homes than in the hospital or a nursing home so they might cover more than you would assume. I would suggest contacting your local hospital discharge planner or social worker for guidance as they help patients with information like this on a daily basis and should have some basic information easily at hand. Good luck with this difficult situation.

    6. KarenK*

      In Maine, our Medicaid program (MaineCare) paid for my father’s nursing home care. I had to private pay/pay allowable expenses to get his cash holdings down to under $10,000 and complete a fairly onerous application, as they look at financial records for the previous 5 years. I did not have to sell his house, but we did anyway, as my brother was tired of taking care of it. He died one week after we closed on the house. The estate had to reimburse the state for the difference between what his social security paid and the state paid.

      I want to second contacting your local area on aging, as state laws vary.

    7. fposte*

      I think you should look to your state’s Senior Health Insurance Program (they go by different names in some states but Google should get you there) and see what thoughts they have on the situation; generally, Medicare pays for in-home skilled nursing, but it won’t pay for feeding and dressing unless the person also needs skilled medical care, so you’d want to take the specifics of your grandmother’s case in; it’s possible that their supplemental insurance would help on this, too, or that even paying somebody privately for a day or two a week would be possible and valuable. You’re right that Medicaid doesn’t sound likely to come into play; it becomes relevant in long-term care in a facility because of the Medicaid spend-down, but it’s tough to do that and stay in your house. (Have you looked at care facilities outside of your town? Might be worth throwing that into the mix.)

      But be aware if your grandmother is in charge of her own affairs she’s perfectly able to refuse in-home care if she doesn’t want it (or if mother or grandfather are in charge of her affairs, same deal). This sounds sadly like a situation where you all want different things and you probably can’t get something that everybody’s happy with. Do at least start with the nearest SHIP folks, though–they may be able to help you find a better path.

      1. Gaia*

        Thanks for the information. All I want is her to be well cared for. Mother and grandfather want the same but naively believe they are the only option. I am not open to settling for that.

        We all recognize (though we’d never say it) that she’s likely coming into her final years. I just want her to be as comfortable as possible.

    8. LNLN*

      An elder law attorney can answer all your questions. If anyone in your family has EAP through their employer, there is usually a legal benefit that is part of EAP. Call and access that legal benefit. This family situation qualifies for it. In my job I helped people do this everyday. Good luck!

    9. Anono-me*

      Echoing all the good advice for your grandparents to consult local Medicade and Medicare experts.

      2 additional thoughts.
      The local or national MS Society may also be a good information resource for your grandmother.

      If there are not any services available that will work for your grandparents; would it be possible for them to take in a nursing student as a boarder in exchange for helping your grandmother most mornings and nights? You, your mom, and the other grandchild would probably have to take turns one day a week and finals week. (I suggest a nursing student, because the nursing programs that I am familiar with all required a CNA.)

      1. Gaia*

        Thanks, that MS Society in their area has been, I’m afraid, one of the worst organizations I’ve ever encountered. It is a shame too because the one where I live is amazing. The prevalence of MS in their region is so high, I suspect they are just overwhelmed.

    10. Temperance*

      A few things:

      Medicare should pay for home care nurses. My great-grandmother had home care nurses several times per week. Then again, she also deeded the house she lived in to my great-uncle (who lived with her, and cared for her) many years before she needed care.

      What about the grandchild who is going to get the house – why not ask them to pitch in?

      1. Gaia*

        That grandchild is currently 8 so can’t pitch in much :)

        There is other family that could but won’t help. It is frustrating.

    11. Kuododi*

      I have never heard of government coming after property after family members death to recoup Medicare/Medicaid expenditures for home care. Two thoughts…has anyone discussed palliative care programs for your Grandmother? It’s similar in principle to Hospice however more geared towards long term support. It would be worth a couple of phone calls to talk with her Dr, social worker to find out if that’s a viable option in your area. Second thought… regarding protecting your Grandparents home. What my Dad and Uncle did when my grandmother was in a similar situation. They spoke with an attorney and made arrangements to ” purchase” the family home for a token amount. The attorney Drew up paperwork to document the transfer of ownership to Dad and Uncle while additionally setting up ” lifetime tenancy” for Grandmother. That way the home and property was protected for long term while still keeping her safe as far as never having to worry about potential homelessness due to circumstances beyond her control. A consult with an attorney experienced in those matters would be a worthwhile investment of $$$. Best regards to you and your family.

  86. CoffeeOnMyMind*

    I’m going to Disney World in a few months with my sister and her family. I’m super excited, and it’ll be my niece and nephew’s first time at Disney. Any suggestions or tips? For reference, my niece is 8 and my nephew is 3.

    1. Forking great username*

      Planning ahead is key! Disney isn’t like other parks where you just show up and decide your plans in the moment. You can do some of that, of course, but if you play things completely by ear lots of time will be wasted in lines. The main thing is making sure you guys book fast passes. They’re totally free and allow you to go through a much shorter line for at least three rides per day, and yet so many people go to Disney with no research done, assume this costs money, then totally miss out and complain about the lines.

      Getting there at park opening is a good idea – that’s when crowds will be the lightest. The nighttime shows are amazing. You guys will definitely want to bring or rent a stroller for the three year old.

      Let me know if you have any specific questions! I’ve visited a ton of times, worked there for a semester, and we just took our 4 and 5 year old on their first trip there last summer – now planning this year’s! Plus my oldest is on the spectrum, so I also know about using their disability services and what to do for more sensitive kids (for example, bringing noise canceling ear protection because some of the shows are intensely loud.)

      1. CoffeeOnMyMind*

        My sister is definitely bringing a stroller, there’s only so much walking the little one will do ;)

        What rides or attractions do you recommend for 3 year olds/younger kids? My nephew doesn’t like loud noises, and he’s still in the “stranger danger” phase, so his mom is thinking that meeting characters may be a no-go.

        1. Forking Great Username*

          If he doesn’t like loud noises, getting some ear protection earmuffs might be a good idea – they’re like $13 on Amazon and made a world of a difference for my 5 year old at Disney. My youngest was 4 when we went, and his favorites (leaving off the ones that a stranger danger kid probably wouldn’t like) were…
          Magic Kingdom
          – Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin (his top pick and the one he still talks about all the time!)
          – Dumbo
          – It’s a Small World
          – Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
          – Monsters Inc. Laugh Floor
          – Peter Pan’s Flight (I wouldn’t do it without a Fastpass though…crazy lines!)
          – Seven Dwarfs Mine Train if he’s 38″
          – Mickey’s Philharmagic (if you have ear protection – this was too loud/intense otherwise)
          – Others that I liked that he was okay with (not favorites, but he didn’t dislike them) were the carousel, Under the Sea, Haunted Mansion, Jungle Cruise, and Pirates of the Caribbean.

          Epcot
          – The Seas with Nemo and friends (he wanted to spend ages in the play area after the ride!)
          – Frozen Ever After
          – The Mexico pavilion and the little boat ride there
          – Others: He was okay with Journey into Your Imagination. Loved Soarin and was okay with Test Track, but I’d imagine most 3 year olds aren’t tall enough for those.

          Hollywood Studios:
          – This one is kind of a let down on rides when we went…unless you have a tall kid it’s just the Toy Story Midway Mania. However, Toy Story Land wasn’t open when we went – I’m sure that whole area is great!
          – Muppetvision 3D – my kids are huge fans of The Muppets though. Your nephew might be too if he watches Disney Junior.
          – Disney Jr. Dance Party

          Animal Kingdom
          – Not a ride, but he loved playing in The Boneyard
          – Kilimanjaro Safaris
          – Na’vi River Journey (and the cool drum area outside of it in Pandora!)
          – Triceratop Spin
          – Kali River Rapids (if he’s 38″ tall)

      2. CoffeeOnMyMind*

        Thanks for the advice! What rides/attractions do you recommend for 3 year olds? My nephew doesn’t like loud noises, and his mom isn’t sure how he’ll react to characters.

    2. dumblewald*

      Not sure how much my advice will apply since it’s been 10 years since I’ve been to Disney. But some of my suggestions are:

      You won’t have time for all the rides so plan in advance as much as you can.

      Be prepared for the weather. If it’s not raining, it can be quite sunny and hot. Pack hats, water, water in spray bottles to cool off every now and again, a poncho if it rains, but also a sweater for when it cools down at night. My mom has pictures of me from my first trip to DW at 3 and I’m crying in all of them because I was cranky from the heat.

      In the context of the weather, also be prepared for long lines for the rides.

      1. Occasional Baker*

        My family did a large trip a few years back – 14 people. It was planned for two years by my mom and sibling, as one of those sort of once in a lifetime things. They put a lot of time into it, and made it awesome. There was a rented off park hpuse, and a planned dinner every night. Some of the best things were:
        Every day, the kids got a small present in the morning, pre-purchased. Shirts, water bottles, small plush animals. They were much less expensive, having been bought on sale, but it was so fabulous!!! For the kids to get a present EVERY DAY! When the math was done, all the presents added up to 1 larger park item. It let the parents still afford to bus that one special item, as well.
        The park has those penny flattening machines everywhere. Our kids were aged 6, 7, and 13, but were really on board with those. It cost 50 cents, plus the penny, at that time. The mini m&m tubes you can buy will hold quarters, so in advance, we loaded them up, two quarter and a penny, repeat. We also brought the change from home, so we weren’t scrambling in pockets for it. The kids loved doing it, and it’s also a fairly inexpensive souvenir type item. Buy a different color m&m holder for each kid, and slide it in a sandwich bag (to hold the flat ones)
        The park will let you pack in food, so bringing sandwiches can save $ for the special park dessert treats that look so awesome. Also water. With a 3 year old I’d highly having a stroller. If it’s not ridden in, it can hold the gear. ($1000 says it does get ridden in, lol)
        There are a ton of blogs about Disney’ing, and they have a lot of great tips. Have a blast! Take all the pictures!!! (We also had the photo pass where the Disney photographer takes pictures at different spots. I think it was sort of pricey, but the pics were great, and it was that once in a lifetime sort of trip)

        1. CoffeeOnMyMind*

          Thanks for the tips, especially about the m&m coin holder. What a clever idea! And yes, my sister is bringing a stroller for the little one (I kind of wish there was one for me lol).

      2. CoffeeOnMyMind*

        Good points. We’re definitely going to bring water to have in the parks. And maybe some games for the kids in case we get stuck in long lines.

    3. Lynne879*

      I went to Disney World in 2016, so I don’t know how much has changed in terms of the Fast Passes (You’re given them automatically if you stay at one of the hotels at the park), but if you have them they are a life saver. You can only use them for 3 rides a day, but they were still worth it. Instead of waiting an hour in line, we waited maybe 15 minutes for a ride (Granted this was in January 2016, so this will be much different in the spring & summer).

      Plan ahead of time of what you want to do. Have the Disney World website bookmarked on your favorite browser & make a list of what you really want to do. Even some of the restaurants need to be reserved far ahead of time. I BELIEVE you can bring your own food & drinks, so bring your own food if you want to save some money on food.

      Tickets are usually one park a day, but you can pay extra to “park hop” & go to multiple parks. Honestly, I don’t think you need to pay extra to “park hop,” each park has so many different things to do you can spend all day at a single park.

      1. Forking great username*

        Fastpasses are free if you’re staying off site as well – they’re for everyone! On site guests just get to book theirs sooner.

      2. CoffeeOnMyMind*

        We have park hoppers and some fast passes (shorter lines = happy little ones = happy parents). Thanks for the tip about booking dining in advance – we might do one “nice” dinner while we’re there. Now I’m off to check availability!

    4. Madge*

      Take nap breaks. Especially if you’re staying on property, but try and take some sort of break even if getting back to your room off-property is difficult. You’re going to be of the mindset that you paid a lot of money for those tickets and you want to wring every bit of value out of them. But the heat and rides and lines can make anyone cranky, especially littles, and then no one is having fun. Take a break mid-day, go back to the room and have some quiet time and then go back mid-afternoon. You could also tag-team and take turns napping with the kids to give the other adults some kid-free time in the parks. And have a pool day where you don’t even go to the parks and just chill at the hotel pool. Kids that young don’t need the water parks to have fun, the hotel pools are just as good…and much cheaper. Also, take advantage of extra magic hours if you’re on property. When you mention Disney to the kids they’re going to picture the magic kingdom, so be sure to spend a good amount of time there. I think it’s Epcot that has the Nemo rides which are cute and worth your time.

      1. CoffeeOnMyMind*

        Thanks for the nap tips. That’s super important, especially for my nephew. And taking a break to recharge is an excellent idea for all of us. Luckily I’m the “spare adult” on this trip, so my sister, BIL, and I can swap watching the kids while the others take a break/have some alone time in the parks.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My context: I’m an annual pass holder and go four times a year, but have never been with kids under the age of 14. (25 days til my next trip. Can’t wait.) my tips also assume you’re staying on property in some cases. Feel free to ignore :)

      -pack snacks – yes, a Mickey Mouse ice cream is important at some point, but the average snack in a park is $4, and with multiple people and walking 8 miles a day, you’ll all likely be snacking more than you normally would. Aim for a sugar/protein jack – my go to is peanut butter chocolate chip granola bars.
      -if someone in your party is an amazon prime member, Prime Now is available in Orlando and will specifically deliver to the resorts. Every time I go, the first thing I do on the Magical Express is to order a flat of bottled water and some snacks to be delivered to my resort. The bell desk will usually accept the delivery and in fact put it in my room. Even if I don’t hit the minimum for free delivery, drinking like three of the bottles of water will still save me money overall, they’re $3.50 in the parks and Orlando is notorious for its vile tap water. (I personally don’t have a problem with it if I add Crystal Light or some such.) I’ve also had OTC meds delivered by Prime Now and it’s cheaper than uber’ing to a convenience store.
      -snag the My Disney Experience app and the Disney Parks Play app. The first is vital for organizing your plans, reservations, etc. you can order ahead from some of the dining places to minimize your wait time, which is amazing. They’ve also added the bus wait times to the app from the resort, maps and showtimes, all kinds of goodies. The second app is good for kids, it has trivia games and curated music lists and line games. And it’s cute.
      -entertainment for everyone except maybe the 3yo (I dunno):
      At animal kingdom, do the Wilderness Explorer badge hunt. It takes you all over the park, you learn a lot, and you get a whole book full of stickers for it. I did this with a bunch of 30somethings and we loved it.
      At Epcot, depending on what festivals are going on during your trip, there are often scavenger hunts going on in the World Showcase that cost like $6-7 for the hunt map/packet. Also at Epcot, in the Play app, there’s six adventures with Perry the Platypus from Phineas and Ferb – each one is a half dozen stops within one country pavilion, and you can create interactions from your phone (like, you type in the secret code, and you see Perry skitter across the roof of the building in front of you). Again, we had a blast with it as adults, but the 8yo is the target audience for these I think. (And if she hasn’t watched P&F, highly recommended!)
      At Magic Kingdom, check out the Sorcerers of the Magic Kingdom game – the main starting point is just inside the main entrance on the left, it’s a story game that leads you around. Also at MK, go just past Pirates of the Caribbean and there’s a recruiting post for different missions in Adventureland. If you do I think 3, you get a bonus fast pass for Pirates. They take about 30 minutes, I think? And you don’t have to do them all in one day.

      What else. Bring ponchos – it rains regularly, if not for very long, and they’re $1.50 at Target or $14 in the parks. :-P also ziploc bags if you need to stash a phone or wallet. Speaking of phones: grab one of those little lipstick looking battery packs if you don’t already have one, you go through a lot of juice. (I use a bigger one that can juice two phones, personally.) Yesterday when I was at Target they had cooling towels in their dollar spot for $5, my husband swears by his (I don’t usually bother with one but he’s more heat sensitive than I am) and they’re usually more than that. First aid: bandaids, aloe, sunscreen sunscreen sunscreen, ibuprofen, tums.
      If you get magic bands, bring a silver sharpie and write an adult’s phone number on the inside of each kid’s band. If you don’t, figure out another way to label the munchkins just in case – my housemate is taking his nephew, and I’m stamping the kiddo a dog tag to wear that has housemate’s name and phone number on it. The staff will jump through hoops to reconnect lost munchkins to their adults, but the more hooks they have available the better.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        On food: they will generally let adults order kids meals at the quick service stands, and in many cases, a kids meal is enough for an adult or an adult’s meal is enough to feed two people. Not always, but many times. (The $20 bbq meal at Flame Tree BBQ in Animal Kingdom will feed three, which makes it the best deal in the parks :-P ) also: The dining plans are almost never worth the expense.

        If you’re staying on property, take advantage of the opportunities to have your souvenirs delivered to your resort. You’ll be able to pick them up next day at the gift shop at your hotel, and you’re not stuck carrying them around all day and worrying about breaking Granny’s coffee mug or whatnot. (If not, you can still have them sent up to the front of the park for pickup on the way out the gate.)

        1. CoffeeOnMyMind*

          Awesome! It’s nice to know we won’t have to carry a giant goofy around with us all day ;). We will definitely be taking advantage of having purchases sent to our rooms. Thanks for the tip!

      2. CoffeeOnMyMind*

        Thank you! Lots of great advice. I am over the moon that prime now will deliver to the resort! I’m glad to know that’s an option in case we run out of essential items.

      3. CoffeeOnMyMind*

        Thank you! I’m so happy that Prime Now will deliver to the resort! I’m sure we’ll be taking advantage of that if we run out of essentials.

    6. Newbie*

      On the safety side, take photos of the kids each morning before you go to the parks. Families get separated and kids wander off no matter how careful you are. In that panicked moment, it is super helpful to have a photo of the child in the outfit they are wearing.

      Also, talk with the kids about what to do if they get separated from your group. Age appropriate preparation will make them less panicked at that moment too.

  87. Anoncorporate*

    It’s the start of Seasonal Affective Disorder season for me! (URGH) Idk how else to deal with it besides loading up on all my favorite movies, TV shows, books, tea, hanging out with friends, etc. Any other suggestions? I want to go on more dates, too but I HATE ONLINE DATING with a passion. That’s a separate issue altogether.

    1. Koala dreams*

      Make sure you have bright lights on during day time. Cook tasty soups (if you like soup). I feel you, winter is hard for my mental health too.

    2. Penguin*

      Focusing on “hedonistic” things (warmth, comfort, tasty food, favorite music, pleasant sensations of all kinds) can help. Maybe think about what you like, what sorts of things help you to feel better when you’re down, and then make a conscious effort to do some of them daily/periodically.

    3. Parenthetically*

      My best, time-tested strategies:

      — freaking stay hydrated and eat a vegetable or two and go outside sometimes, Parenthetically, gosh.

      — put workout clothes on a few days a week. 95% of the time I do this I end up working out and exercise makes a HUGE difference for me.

      — just do less. I have less energy in January and February, so I do fewer things. *shrug*

      — be intentional about pleasurable choices and how I frame them mentally. “Ugh, I was going to get things done yesterday but all I ended up doing was come home from work, put on pajamas, and have popcorn and wine for dinner while watching 4 episodes of Mrs. Maisel, what a slob” = guilt, shame, stress. “What an excellent Friday night! Comfy PJs, homemade popcorn, great TV, early bedtime, wine? Ah, so relaxing” = no guilt, no shame, no stress. This one was a game-changer for me a few years ago. Rather than sort of falling into comforting things and then feeling bad about it, I deliberately choose comforting things, which means a) I enjoy those things more because I don’t feel like I “shouldn’t” be doing them, b) I’m not expending energy feeling guilty, and therefore c) I actually have more energy to do things I need to do — I’m paradoxically more productive when I really lean into downtime!

      Good luck and solidarity!

    4. Observer*

      It’s easier to get full spectrum lighting that it used to be, although labeling is pathetic. But it DOES help. So does making it your business to get outside every day, even if the weather is miserable.

  88. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Hubs drove me to urgent care last night bc of nonstop postnasal drip/nausea. Doc said I’d had a bad cold that was followed by a viral stomach bug which was why I could only eat 2 saltines with pb for lunch yesterday. Was prescribed Claritin-D and zofran. Sipping ginger ale, and living off water crackers and crunchy pb :/

    Silver lining: the urgent care staff gave hubs and me a balloon, which we took home…lol (theyd had a slow day and were playing Disney cartoons in the waiting area). Also, we moved into our new apt and newthing starts Mon…..taking it easy today in the meantime…

    1. anonagain*

      That sounds miserable, especially in the middle of a move. I’m glad you were able to get to the dr and get some meds.

      I hope you’re getting settled in your new apartment and that you feel better soon. Also, I’m not sure what the new thing is that starts Monday, but I hope that goes well, too!

  89. I should know this by now*

    Okay, really silly question (or maybe not), but…if you think a good friend might be transitioning but they haven’t explicitly said they have, is it appropriate to ask them about pronouns? And if so, when?

    My general MO is to let people lead – if they want me to know something, they’ll usually tell me. But also, I don’t want to inadvertently misgender anyone. Friend has…left a lot of hints, but hasn’t explicitly said, “YES I AM TRANSITIONING RIGHT NOW.” I’m leaning towards a casual ask, but something tells me I might be jumping the gun.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Let people lead. That’s definitely the best idea.

      If they haven’t explicitly said, it’s probably because they’re not ready yet. Maybe read up on transitioning stories just so that you don’t have to pepper them with questions. I’m not saying you will but it’s best to be informed in other ways than the person transitioning.

    2. gecko*

      Definitely let them lead! You can also be quite warm without calling a ton of attention to them. Like if they’ve started wearing nail polish or got a new haircut compliment it when you walk in the door but not, you know, loudly drawing attention to the compliment in a group. If you have friends who use they/them pronouns, now is a great time to tell friendly anecdotes about fun stuff you’ve done together.

      This is assuming you’re cis and fairly gender-conforming, sorry if I totally misread and you’re not! But yeah in any case it’s always going to be let them take the lead.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Why not ask about the hint itself? I’m not sure what these hints are, so it’s hard to suggest a follow up, but I think there are ways to take (many) hint type things and either ask more about the hint itself (“can you expand on that?”), or even say more generally, “you know, you’ve been hinting a lot about x and y, is there something else that you’re telling me?”

    4. I should know this by now*

      Thanks for the check! I was really doubting myself, and you’re right – I was getting a bit ahead of myself there.

      I was intentionally being vague about the details (just in case, since I know some of my friends read this site), but the big clue is a really sensitive topic, and something I would definitely not ask about normally. The friend has disclosed they were exploring their gender previously and the issues associated with that, so that’s why I thought of that as a possibility.

      On the other hand, I do tend to err a little towards beating around the bush, so…maybe I should be more direct?

  90. AlligatorSky*

    Anyone got any tips on how to let anger go?

    My grandfather passed away this year. A cousin who hasn’t talked to us or seen us in years suddenly appeared because she was entitled to inheritance. She hadn’t bothered to call him, see him or even acknowledge him in years. She didn’t turn up to our grandma’s funeral and didn’t reach out to any of us after it. When she was younger our grandparents literally bent over backwards to be there for her and my own family did the same. She blew all of us off, literally saying a big ‘F You’ to all of us. Law in my country prohibits family members from being removed from wills, so that wasn’t an option. In the months leading up to my grandfather’s death, he told me he didn’t want her getting anything, because of the way she treated him over the years. He didn’t want anything to do with her, because he was sick of being treated like crap by her. When he was dying, my mother and I tended to him and were there 24/7. Despite repeated messages, she didn’t acknowledge him at all.

    2 weeks after he died, she showed up. She hired a lawyer and took all her inheritance money. She even tried to get her lawyer to fight for her to get more money, but thankfully our own lawyer managed to shut that down. I understand that she’s entitled to the money as she’s his grandkid, but I’m SO angry at the fact that she treated him so badly over the years, and that due to the laws where I live, NOTHING can stop her from getting that money. My mother and I were there for him every single day, and we tended to his every need. We saw him on his worst days, when he was screaming and crying in pain and saying he didn’t want to be alive anymore. We did everything for him; and she did NOTHING AT ALL. She didn’t show up to the funeral either.

    She even messaged me not long after, proclaiming that we were never there for her, and that she was gonna fight for more money, because in her words, ‘she deserved it’. I’m honestly furious – She does all this and gets his money, that he didn’t want her to get. I responded, saying I was disgusted by her and her selfish attitude, and told her I wanted nothing to do with her. I told her that she was dead to me, and to never contact me again. I blocked her on every single social media platform that she’s on. Found out recently that she’s been boasting about spending the money on plastic surgery and drugs. I’m so furious that I could cry. I can’t let this define me, and I need to let this go. Thing is, HOW?! :(

    2. Zona the Great*

      Oh Lord. By reminding yourself of how morally bankrupted she must be and that cash is the only thing she has that can get her flush in her mind. Be thankful you have a soul I guess. I’m so so sorry.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      A couple things:
      It’s pretty normal for relationships to end when a person passes. This is how powerful grief and death are, they can break relationships. And passing of a loved one can cause new relationships to form. So it goes both ways.

      I think it’s helpful to see this is not a rare occurrence. It happens in families more often than we would like to think about. As you are showing here the emotions run really high for all involved. I have relatives from three generations ago that I don’t even know exist. They all got in a big fight over an inheritance. I guess my branch of the family did not get much. Well, they stopped talking to each other FOREVER. I have never met the descendants of these people and they have not met me.

      The next step is to realize that often times people can accidentally use upset to avoid processing grief. I would suggest thinking of this as two different griefs. One grief is your grandfather passing. And the other grief is this opportunistic, money-grabbing cousin. Allow yourself to have times where you solely think of your grandfather (and grandma) and just miss them. Do not make yourself think of money grabbing cousin every time you think of your grandparents.

      If you google around you will find many stories of people fighting over inheritances. I think it was Mr. Money Mustache who had some good articles on how money equals love. That is what these inheritance arguments boil down to many times. Some people feel that by forcing others to give up money then they will feel loved. And of course, that is not how love works. Perhaps you can think of it as “she has money but no family, hope her money keeps her good company because otherwise she will be feeling pretty lonely.”
      This seems to be the case with what you are saying here. She is telling your family that they did not love her so she wants money to make up for the lack of love. And while your family may have been just as loving to her as they are everyone else, some folks just can’t feel the love OR have a different understanding of what love looks like. To her the unloved feeling is legit TO HER. Reality is irrelevant because we all act on what we believe not necessarily what is The Truth.

      Yeah, it makes sense that if you and others are defriending her and such then she will try to get more money. Back to money equals love. (But it actually doesn’t, except in her mind it does.)

      The legal system is another whole special thing. Personally, I think the laws trail way behind the needs of society. Society grows more and more sophisticated in understanding the complexity of human nature and the laws do NOT reflect what we now understand. Many times laws were written for a different era with different standards and different values but they are still active, viable laws today. I am sure your family lawyer will put the brakes on this run-away train of a cousin. It takes time though.

      You know the expression, won the battle but lost the war? This is your cousin. She won a settlement in her favor but she lost most of her family in the process. She has a short term win and a long term loss. She has a very huge long term loss. Look at my family generations of kids who never met each other. The argument took place in my grandfather’s generation. Most of my cousins are now great grand parents. So this covers five generations of NO connection to other family members because of this argument. That is a very steep price to pay. It makes a million dollars look like chump change.

    4. Parenthetically*

      Phew.

      1. Grief, anger, sadness, frustration… all these emotions are tied up together. Give them TIME to untangle. Let yourself feel all of them. Acknowledge that just grief alone is complicated, and that adding all these other things in with it is only going to make it take more time to walk through — and remember that the only way out of these feelings is THROUGH them. I firmly believe that there is no shortcut to “get over” things, only radical acceptance of the path through them, however long it takes. It is what it is.

      2. Process, process, process. Tell the story, tell your anger using words. Journal. Write a song or a poem. Find a sympathetic ear, set a timer for 45 minutes, and just pour it all out. Paint a giant crappy rage-painting. Write her a HOW TF DARE YOU letter and then burn it down to a cinder and then flush the cinders down the toilet and then do it again. Remember that your body needs to process too — so crank up some angry music and sing and/or dance like your life depends on it. Punch a heavy bag or go for a run or do something else really strenuous, and visualize as you do it — mentally write out your cousin’s bullsh!t lies and excuses and punch every stupid thing she’s done, or stomp on it (I don’t advise visualizing punching HER, because I think violence is harmful to US even when it’s fantasized violence), really wear yourself out.

      3. Once you’ve found the end of your anger, however long that takes… pity her. How sad, shallow, and small a person do you have to be to act the way she acted? How pathetic!

      4. You might be angry in some way at her actions forever — and honestly, that’s fine IMO. What she’s done is immoral and reprehensible and absurd, and it’s RIGHT for you to judge them accordingly. But I think you can keep putting one foot in front of the other and process the hell out of your anger until it’s no longer at the forefront of your mind, no longer part of your decision-making. You can work through stuff but stay settled in your opposition to and disgust with her choices.

      Good luck! You’re a caring, smart person and I absolutely believe you can come out the other side of this stronger.

    5. The Original Stellaaaaa*

      1) It’s possible there are things in her past that you don’t know about. It’s unlikely, but it’s possible.

      2) If that’s not the case, then I hope she looks at that check and is happy with how she acted. Seriously, no amount of money is worth treating other people like garbage, and she’s the one who has to live with herself. Don’t bear that burden for her.

      3) Try not to view this situation as if she cheated you out of money that you “earned” by being a better person. You can’t nickel and dime when it comes to these things; you’re lucky to have gotten any money at all.

    6. Harvey P. Carr*

      “Law in my country prohibits family members from being removed from wills, so that wasn’t an option.”

      If that’s the case, that every family member has to receive something, could your grandfather’s will have been changed so that your cousin only received (your country’s equivalent of) 1¢?

      1. Observer*

        What’s the point of this question? Grandpa is dead, and it’s too late to change this. AlligatorSky doesn’t need to start wondering if they could have done more. They did the best they could, Grandpa did the best he could and now AlligatorSky and Mom need something that can help them move forward and heal a bit.

        1. Harvey P. Carr*

          What’s the point? As a resident of the USA, the concept of not being allowed to disinherit a family member is (no pun intended) foreign to me. So I wondered, if the government is saying “you have to include this person in your will,” do they also mandate that the person receive a minimum amount?

          It’s a legitimate question.

  91. Cruciatus*

    All of a sudden the house smells like cat pee. We have a kitten that’s been here 3 months and an older cat who still does not appreciate the kitten in any way. Older cat is an outdoor cat and gets to escape the kitten that way. As far as I can tell, the litter boxes are being used–the kitten took to it immediately and I haven’t seen any issues otherwise. I actually can’t believe how much the kitten does his business. Older cat goes outside. She normally will finally use the litter box when it’s too absolutely cold outside but it’s been a really mild winter so far, though I think she’s had to use it a few times overnight (and I think I can tell it’s her because she does not bury her business like the kitten does–he takes 30 seconds to make it all hidden). But point is, she has been using it so far as I can tell. The boxes are cleaned at least once daily, sometimes more.

    I also can’t pinpoint where the smell is coming from. The litter box is being used and I can smell cat pee there (seems stronger than it should?). But I also smell it in the kitchen (another room) and get whiffs around the house but I have sniffed and sniffed and sniffed and can’t find any one thing that may have been peed/sprayed on. I’ve smelled the floor, plants, chairs. etc. Nothing was overwhelmingly strong. I’m going to buy another black light as ours apparently has died, but any tips for at least making it not smell so bad while I try to figure out what is going on? If it is just the litter box smelling up the house that is mildly concerning as it’s never done that before and I’ve been using the same litter (that I think has really done a good job masking odors) for probably 10+ years. So I feel like something else is happening, I just don’t know if it’s spraying outside of the box (and I don’t know which cat), or if one may have some sort of urinary tract infection or something (and don’t know which cat…but probably the older one). Good thing we don’t have many friends over a lot because this is embarrassing. And I hate smelling this all day. It actually will get better in the morning and then it smells strong again later. It’s very odd.

    (And relatedly, if anyone has any tips for an older cat learning to tolerate a kitten I’d gladly hear them. Not looking for best friends, but if she could stop hissing at him Every. Time. that’d be great. It’s been 3 months. I try to give her alone time and she likes that but I can’t give her 100% alone time. She grew up with other cats and was only a lone cat for like 3 weeks. And they were never all best friends, but she didn’t hiss at them except when they came back from the vet’s. I’ve tried Feliway (nope), a calming spray (nope). Yum yums for both at the same time (works in the moment and then HISSSSSSS GROWL!) The only sort of silver lining is she hasn’t actually tried to harm the kitten. She’s more just saying “GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.”)
    And that was longer than intended.

    1. dumblewald*

      I only just started learning about cats but it’s possible that the older cat is peeing everywhere on purpose to show territorial dominance to the kitten? If so, I have no idea what you could do to stop it. Have you tried consulting a vet?

    2. TryingToReadHere*

      Maybe you could try moso bags for the smell? I don’t have cats, but I remember when I was first reading reviews for the moso bags before buying them, people with dogs and cats said they helped decrease pet smells.

      1. Luisa*

        We used Nature’s Air Sponge in our fight against cat pee scent in our house. (The cats belonged to the previous owner.) I don’t think they’d have gotten the smell out on their own (we also cleaned/clean frequently and aggressively), but I do think they helped.

    3. Earthwalker*

      Our elder cat started peeing in the box half the time and on the carpet the other half. Poor old guy seemed to have memory problems and couldn’t always remember where the box was. We spent considerable time crawling around sniffing the carpet for the source point of a whole-room smell. Once found, a good pet spray worked wonders. We used Skouts Honor and it was amazing.

    4. Veger*

      1) Get a blacklight flash light and find that cat pee. Cats can pee in the strangest places.
      2) Treat the urine marked areas with a cleaner designed for pet waste.
      3) Take both cats to the vet to rule out a urinary tract infection. They’ll be able to give behavioural treatment ideas too. And make sure that kitties have up to date vaccines/a microchip.

    5. Marion Ravenwood*

      My initial thought was: is there a third cat involved somehow? Have any of your neighbours recently got new cats, or have there been any new cats hanging around the area? Depending how your older cat gets outside to go, it could be there is another cat getting in (e.g. if you have a cat flap that doesn’t just open for your cat’s chip) and marking their territory.

  92. Anon von nonononon*

    Anyone with resources for rebuilding a positive relationship with spirituality after being exposed to a lot of reactionary fundamentalism growing up? Like not being raised in it (much, outside school chapel), but having a parent who was (and was psychologically damaged as a result), and had to watch people get damaged from it in childhood and adult life?

    The anger I have toward the people who did this to my family and friends is justified, but I’m conflating them with religion/spirituality as a whole, which is not good.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      There’s a Facebook group called Living Life Unfundamentalist, and there’s lots of good support and resources there. Some in the group have given up on religion completely, some are spiritual in a vague way, some are still Christian but just not evangelical fundamentalist.

    2. Earthwalker*

      You might Google “Unity Church” and see if its principles resonate with you. It’s Christian-based but it has a unique perspective and a more light-handed and positive approach than some traditional churches.

    3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Exvangelical (Facebook and a podcast) might be helpful if it’s appropriate. You can find a lot of other resources from there, assuming that you’re coming from a Christian background.

  93. families!*

    If a person is on disability leave, are they considered to be employed? Someone I’m friends with is fighting a cancer and they have not been working for over 6 months (we didn’t think they’d even make it this far but they are too unwell to go to work). I want to try to help them sign up for a meals delivery service but one of the conditions is that you cannot be working

    1. Natalie*

      I can’t imagine being on disability would count as being employed, but why not just contact the meal organization directly and ask?

    2. Sualah*

      I think it would depend what kind of disability. Like, my employer has short term and long term disability options. If I use either of those, I’d be considered on leave rather than terminated, because if I was terminated, then I wouldn’t be receiving this employer benefit, and also, I wouldn’t have my health insurance anymore. So, technically employed.

      But if the requirement is “working”—well, again, I wouldn’t be actively working, I’d be on leave. I would think you could mark “not working” with a clear conscience either way.

    3. anonagain*

      Definitely contact the meal delivery service. They probably get this question all the time and should be able to quickly tell you if your friend is eligible.

  94. what's in a name?*

    I have a sticky family situation I’m not sure how to resolve. Sorry this is so long. Thank you in advance to anyone who even makes it through this wall of text!

    Background: I’m trans. My mom has been accepting of my transition and new name, dad died before I told him. None of my dad’s family, the “Smiths,” knows about my transition — they all live very far away from me, hated me growing up, and don’t talk to me as an adult. For various reasons I don’t think they’d be supportive. When dad died and it was clear no one cared to see how I was faring once the funeral was over, I decided I was going to opt-out of telling these people my business and changed my phone number. Mom was supportive. Mom has also been mostly forgotten about by the Smiths, so she doesn’t talk to them much anyway.

    Problem: My mother is planning on moving in with my estranged-from-the-Smiths aunt, “Tracy.” They were sisters in law. Mom wants to know what to do when referring to me around Aunt Tracy while they are living together. Mom says Aunt Tracy isn’t in communication with the Smiths because they are demonizing and harassing her for separating from her husband. But Aunt Tracy is obviously in contact with her adult children, who are in contact with the rest of the Smiths… so there’s still a conduit there in my book.

    Mom says she is open to using my deadname or my chosen name, which is gender neutral, but insinuated she’s worried about slipping up. Still, I think just remarking that I changed my name leads to more questions, like “why not tell the Smiths?”* I’m worried that if Aunt Tracy knows something, it will find its way to the rest of the Smiths. But I also feel bad for placing my mom in a really awkward situation, and it would be easier if she didn’t have to remember which name to use.

    Question: So do I stick to my desires to keep the Smiths out of my business and make my mom continue to be the firewall in this weird situation? Or do I go with what is easier for her, and let her tell Aunt Tracy my new name, and potentially open the door again to the Smiths?

    *The Smiths are big on pretending they’re a Big, Loving Family with No Problems Here so this would definitely be A Thing. And yes they are a bit like the Borg collective.

    1. The Original Stellaaaaa*

      What would the Smiths do if they knew? Just silently disapprove from a distance?

      This is a much lighter example, but I remember being all private about my poetry when I was younger. I didn’t want my mother to ever see it. Then I realized that literally nothing would happen if she did see it. It might make her uncomfortable, but so what?

      So allow yourself to mentally go down the rabbit hole and guess what might happen if the Smiths found out. They might be mad. Good. Let them be mad. You don’t owe them any comfort.

      On another note, do you anticipate ever visiting your mom at your aunt’s place? The aunt will find out about your transition eventually and it could cause friction once she realizes that your mom decided not to trust her with something that decent people recognize isn’t shameful.

      1. what's in a name?*

        No, they’d probably subject me to the same harassment that Aunt Tracy is going through. There have been brief periods in the past where they’ve focused on me for one reason or another — imagine a barrage of calls and texts, basically. I had to block them all for a while years ago when they added me to their family group text chat and I was receiving 90+ messages in the space of an hour just with them chatting and gossiping. I’ve received some interesting “gifts” in the mail before too, like a Christian text (I don’t know the proper term but the book had chapters on all sorts of topics with guidance from the bible on what to do) with all the adultery sections highlighted. I was single but living with my platonic male friend in college and I guess that was not okay or something… I decided not to ask why they thought that would be instructional for me.

        No, I never plan to visit my mom at this place. So I’m not worried about that either. I swore when dad died that it was the last time I set foot in that state, and I’m sticking to that promise.

        Honestly I’m not sure Aunt Tracy is “decent people.” She’s not a Smith, and she’s certainly a victim of them, but she is the parent of one of the cousins who made my life growing up so miserable, and never had a kind view of me.

    2. TryingToReadHere*

      If you let your mom tell Aunt Tracy your gender-neutral chosen name, then she could still slip up with using the wrong pronoun, right? And then she’d have to explain the transition?

      The Smiths hate you and are demonizing and harassing Aunt Tracy now, so you guys are probably in the same boat of thinking the Smiths suck. If Aunt Tracy knew about your transition and desire to keep it private, do you think she could keep her lips sealed about it because she’d be able to understand that the Smiths are crappy people and don’t deserve to be privy to your personal life? I mean, you aren’t in contact with her children, so there’s no reason for her to be talking to them about you and I seriously doubt they would ever ask about you.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Of course whatever your preference is, you don’t need to justify it. But I’m a bit curious, or perhaps confused. It sounds like the Smiths don’t choose to contact you now, they couldn’t if they wanted to because you changed your number, and you don’t choose to contact the Smiths.

      If all of that is true, then what are the negative consequences to yourself that you anticipate if the Smiths were to learn about your transition? (Again, “I just don’t want them knowing my business” is totally valid, I’m just trying to understand if there’s more going on.)

      It sounds like it would be super exhausting for your mother to keep referring to you by a name she no longer associates with you. Also, pronouns can be pesky and hard to monitor all the time. She’s being a good sport about offering to try, but I think it would be easier for her either to inform Aunt about the name change, period, and not discuss reasons/etc. or to just tell Aunt that you’ve transitioned and that you prefer that the Smiths not hear about it from anyone.

      1. what's in a name?*

        Argh, so I tripped the filter replying to The Original Stellaaaaa, but in short yes, I do think they would attempt to contact me again. And even if they didn’t manage to get my phone number, they still have my email and my home address (haven’t moved in ages) and may even remember who my employer is. I also worry that my mom would end up bearing the brunt of things as the only conduit to me, and I don’t want that for her either.

        1. Not A Manager*

          In terms of your mom, I do think you need to let her decide what’s best for her in that regard. Risk having to deflect Intrusive Family, or lie to her roommate/relative on a regular basis? And, as someone asked above, unless you literally never visit your mother in her new home, won’t Aunt Tracy figure this out when she sees you?

          This whole situation sucks, and I’m sorry. But I think there’s a very high likelihood that Aunt Tracy is going to find out about your transition somehow, and I think you’re more likely to be able to manage the situation if you get out in front of it.

          It’s possible that Aunt Tracy can be told and the Smiths can be kept out of it, but I do think you should have a clear contingency plan in case they find out. That probably would include blocking them on social media and giving your employer a heads-up if you think they will actually make trouble there.

          Captain Awkward might have some good letters in her archive about toxic extended family.

          1. what's in a name?*

            I will absolutely never be visiting their shared home, that is for sure. (I am on the other side of the country) I don’t plan on ever seeing any of the Smiths ever again, and I’m far enough away that everyone who has insisted on visiting me has gone quiet as soon as they looked at the cost of flights.

            I think you and the everyone else are probably right though, I need some sort of plan for if/when Aunt Tracy and the Smiths find out, even if I ask my mom to lie to Aunt Tracy for me. I have a few weeks before they are actually moving in together, so I’ll see what I can come up with. Thank you!

            1. Jean (just Jean)*

              Is your mom up to the challenge of tactfully but firmly deflecting the focus of Aunt Tracy and the Smiths from you to someone else…perhaps a celebrity trans person who chose to be public and who presumably lives far away, has good security and/or is “too famous” or otherwise not a good target for Aunt Tracy’s and/or the Smiths’ intrusive behavior? (Such as sending you ideological handbooks with the parts on adultery highlighted! What the hell?! Don’t these people ever think about how badly their rudeness reflects on whatever belief system they’re trying to force on other individuals?! sorry, rant over.)
              May you continue to find peace and happiness. You’re showing amazing grace, far more than any of these so-called concerned people. Oy.

              1. what's in a name?*

                That’s not a bad idea! She might be up for that. I will talk to her about it!

                They are appalling awful representatives of their faith, to be honest. They’re all over Aunt Tracy for leaving her husband because divorce is not okay, but they have no issues with her husband having a second family in another house 5 minutes up the road. I don’t understand how they make that work mentally, but they do!

    4. Jane*

      What is your concern about what they would do if they found out? Do you think their disapproval would damage your relationship with your mother, or any other family relationships you have now? Do you expect they would contact you to tell you how disapproving they are of you? It might be helpful to name your specific fears so you can make a better decision on how to keep yourself safe and/or make specific plans to deal with your fears should they be realized.

      From what you said here, them knowing seems pretty low risk–they already don’t like you and you already have no contact with them. But I suspect there may be more to this, and sorting out what it is exactly should help.

    5. Observer*

      It’s perfectly reasonable for you to not want the Smiths to know anything about your business. But asking your mother to be your firewall is neither reasonable nor realistic. The odds of her slipping up, or Aunt Tracy somehow finding out are so high that you need to expect that it WILL happen with the only question being WHEN and HOW, not IF.

      Your best bet is for your mother to tell Aunt Tracy “What’s in a name has changed their name, this is the new name. Given the past relationship with the Smiths, we’d rather no one tells them about it since they tend to react poorly to things they don’t approve of. We’d appreciate if you don’t tell the kids. Thanks!”

      Aunt Tracy knows what the family is like, so she should be cooperative.

  95. crock pot conundrum*

    Hi folks – has anyone seen something like a battery operated crock pot? I’d love to make a crock pot dip for parties, but don’t want to run the extension cord across the floor to the table. I’d prefer not to use a fondue pot type thing because I’d be nervous about a flame.

    I was thinking about one of those small crock pots they make for people to take to work – I was wondering if they made them to run off of USBs, could I run them off of a portable phone charger type thing? But I can’t find any that use USBs, only plugs.

    I’m guessing those USB mug warmers won’t get warm enough to keep a bowl of queso warm, right?

    1. BRR*

      Hmm. I wonder if a portable battery charger would put out enough wattage for a slow cooker. I couldn’t find a solution but It looks like tailgating for a keep warm technique or camping equipment might work. There are also portable power stations but they’re pricer than a slow cooker and pretty bulky for what you need it for.

    2. Llellayena*

      I’d either tape the extension cord to the floor so no one trips on it or locate the heated dip on a table or counter against a wall so it can plug it there.

  96. Old Woman in Purple*

    There is a rift in a corner of my family as well, the details of which are immaterial here–other than understanding the need to find a way to minimize the associated baggage so we can Continue Living Our Lives Without Soap Opera Drama Rearing Its Ugly Head. Yes, it is a shame/too bad/sucks/whatever that such rifts exist, but they do, and, in my case, we made a concerted effort to manage/contain it as much as possible to avoid it getting out of hand…. drew a proverbial Line In The Sand that we refuse to budge across.

    My thoughts: Mom & Aunt Tracy are going to be housemates. If this living situation is likely to be for an extended period of time, it would probably be unfair to expect Mom to keep such a significant secret about her [adult] child from Aunt Tracy. Murphy’s Law would have it coming out at the worst time in the worst way, which would put Mom’s living situation in jeopardy. If Aunt Tracy is also estranged from the Smiths, and is planning on moving in with Mom, I assume that means she is a Good Sort and has some understanding of the Smith-Family-dynamics.

    I would suggest the three of you (You, Mom, & Aunt Tracy) have a Serious Conversation about what the deal is, asking & answering questions and expressing any concerns the 3 of you might have among each other….generally getting On The Same Page… so the 3 of you can show a united front against any unwanted flares from the Smiths.

    If/When the Smiths decide to Have An Issue, it is okay for the 3 of you to Refuse To Play Their Game. If they’re being awful, you don’t have to stay on the phone while they rant, or respond to voicemails/emails/letters, or let them come into your house (or you can ask them to leave if the visit started civilly and then went south). You aren’t obligated to invite them to your events or accept invitations from them, or otherwise interact with them any more than you have since your father’s funeral.

    It’s okay to say no!

  97. stitchinthyme*

    This is mostly a vent, but if anyone has any suggestions, I’m definitely open to them.

    My in-laws have always been horrible enablers of my husband’s younger brother (I’ll call him “Jim”). Jim has had drug addiction problems and anger management issues; the latter have resulted in his being unable to hold down a job for more than a few months. His parents have bailed him out, literally and figuratively, for basically his entire life. After making the mistake of trying to reason with them early on, we now generally stay out of it, reasoning that they’re all adults and they get to make their own choices, even if we don’t like those choices.

    However, in the last few years my FIL’s health has been declining, and thanks to Jim’s sucking them dry and other past financial problems (a bankruptcy, losing their business and their house), my in-laws are retired with nothing but Social Security to live on. After much persuasion, my MIL allowed us to give her a credit card which we pay the bill for, to use for any expenses they can’t afford. (Note: FIL is unaware of this, as he was very opposed to having to accept help from his kids.)

    I’m sure you can see where this is going: after Jim’s 2-year marriage recently imploded, my in-laws went to visit him (he lives out-of-state) and have been using our credit card to help him with moving expenses, and I have a huge problem with our money contributing to enabling someone who should damn well be taking care of himself — he’s almost 40, for crying out loud!

    It’s not about the money; we can afford it, and I certainly don’t begrudge any help we can give his parents — we also help out my mother when she needs it, so it’s only fair. My husband doesn’t like our money going to Jim either, but we are both pretty sure that if we told his mom that, she wouldn’t accept any help at all from us, and they really do need it. Either that, or she’d cry because she would feel terrible about abandoning her child when he’s in need. They have no other safety net besides us; their only other child can’t really afford to do much for them (though she at least doesn’t drain them dry).

    So – is there an option that I’m missing here? Is there a way we can give them help without enabling their enabling or dealing with the inevitable guilt trip? Obviously we can’t control other people, so it may very well be that the answer is, “Suck it up and try to ignore what they’re doing with our money.”

    (As an aside, I often wonder what Jim will do when his parents are no longer around — which may happen sooner than he expects since I keep thinking he’s sending them to an early grave. Because we certainly aren’t going to continue that gravy train once his parents are gone, and I know my SIL won’t give him anything, either.)

    1. Enough*

      2 ideas. 1) You can limit your giving to direct payments for things like rent and utilities or medical expenses. 2) Make the credit card a prepaid one that you load at the beginning of the cycle with the amount of money you are willing to give. They can only spend up to the balance on the card during any cycle. This way there is a limit on what can go to the son.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Jim will drain anyone dry who tries to help his parents remain afloat. He will do that as you see here by getting your parents to rack up bills that you or whoever has to pay for.
      Because all three are permanently linked together, then all three will have to hit rock bottom before this ends. And you know that all you have done is postpone the crash here.

      Perhaps you can pay some of their bills directly. They give you the bill or you access their accounts online for their utilities or whatever and you pay it yourselves. It’s important to realize that they are not fiscally responsible people. Their blind spot is Jim and all good financial sense goes out the door. If you continue to let them have your credit card then you, too, will be bankrupted.

      Maybe your best investment would to be to pay for counseling for them. eh, they won’t go, right?

      For immediate purposes, explain to them the money was meant for them and not Jim. Because they spent the money on Jim against your consent, the account has been paid off and closed. Then do it, close the account.

      Either pay a few bills directly or decide that this is a slippery slope and too dangerous for the two of you to get involved with.

    3. Bismuth*

      Oooh this is bad. My suggestion is to work it through with a good family therapist and financial planner. You need to figure out what you can live with, and they need to figure out their limits (I mean, besides none. They clearly have none.) Maybe tell your MIL that you can’t afford it to do so much, and the credit card can only be spent on certain items?

      They are their own worst enemies.

    4. Llellayena*

      Tell mom you will not support Jim and therefore the card you gave her cannot be used for any expenses related to Jim. If she continues to use it for that, I’m afraid you’ll have to take the card back. It sucks, but you can’t let them bring your life/finances down too. This is a take care of yourself first situation, but it’s never going to feel right. I’m sorry.

    5. fposte*

      One option is accepting that money is fluid. Having her use the credit card for Jim isn’t really any different from her giving her social security to him while your credit card is used to pay more of her bills. As long as you’re putting money in the pool and Jim’s getting water out of the pool, it doesn’t really matter where in the pool you’re pouring it.

  98. Flash Bristow*

    Guys, I’m sad. Often am, and I’m on antidepressants, but this is something specific.

    Without going into details, hubby and I used to have a silly game we played – think a brief noise we made to each other at bedtime. It was ours, it was unique, it was silly and I loved it.

    Some months back, hubby refused to play anymore, saying that [thing] had gone on holiday.

    After a while (lightly asking maybe once a month if [thing] is back yet) I’ve realised hubby really won’t be doing it again. Tonight I asked. Nope.

    So I said ok, but it wasn’t just about a silly game, it was about us having had something that was just between us. Our thing. Then I turned the light out, rolled over and cried silently.

    Advice welcome. Please be gentle…

    1. Not So NewReader*

      “Hon, we don’t do our silly thing any more. I loved our silly thing. Please tell me why we stopped? Are we okay?”

      Alternatively, perhaps you can find a new way of connecting. I was married for just over two decades so I do know that relationships evolve. Sometimes one partner gets tired of Silly Thing. But maybe a couple can find a new silly thing to connect on. Personally, I got sick of the redundancy. Hearing the same jokes or whatever over and over drives me up a wall. I absolutely need fresh material. It could be that the silly thing just ran stale for him and there is no underlying issue.

    2. TeacherNerd*

      My husband and I also have something similar. It’s silly, and it’s ours, and on one hand it’s utterly meaningless, but, dammit, it’s OURS. And I would also be said if it went away on holiday without coming back, and without reason or warning.

      I like Not So New Reader’s turn of phrase. “I miss our silly thing. Can you tell me why it went away? It’s okay if you just got tired of it, but I’d like to understand because it was something silly and endearing and it made me feel close to you.”

    3. Not A Manager*

      I don’t have any advice, I’m sorry. But I totally understand why you’re sad that the thing is gone.

      In itself, losing Thing would make me sad. But I wonder if it’s also making you a bit sad and insecure about something in your relationship? Having one partner unilaterally stop a shared activity, without any discussion or explanation, can feel scary even if it’s objectively a Small Thing that the partner stopped. And maybe this doesn’t feel so small to you.

      But also, I’m a little sad for you needing to sort of hint around about it, and being so patient, and then having to directly ask, and then just getting a “no.” I’m sorry I don’t really have anything more to offer, except that I think I would feel exactly the way you do.

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