weekend free-for-all – November 16-17, 2019

by Alison Green on November 16, 2019

Wallace the cat stares into your soulThis comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Leftovers, by Tom Perrotta. Millions of people vanish all at once, in what may or may not be the Rapture, and those left behind struggle to figure out a path forward.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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    2. EinJungerLudendorff*

      I’ve been binging Unity of Command 2 this week. Solid game, even if the time limits sometimes make me want to boil every river in Italy.

    6. Gatomon*

      I keep hearing about this game at work, but I’m still working on The Outer Worlds! This may be my next one though!

      1. Stormfeather*

        Also vaguely working on Outer Worlds, but starting to feel the pull of other stuff again, which is pretty much why I almost never finish games these days >_>

        1. Gatomon*

          I finish very few games myself. I usually have trouble right around the 20 hr mark. If the game ends around there, I’ll finish it, but if there’s more to go that’s when it tends to get put down for something else.

          I think the only real exception to that for myself is Skyrim. I put 100 hrs into that game in the first 3 months, but now I can’t seem to get back into the groove for a replay even years later.

    7. Warm Weighty Wrists*

      I’ve been playing Greedfall, but it’s frankly kinda boring, and I just found out that Syberia 3 came out! I’m much more interested in some nostalgic adventuring in pretty landscapes than pretending I care about my blandy bland main character in Greedfall. A trip to GameStop might be in my near future!

    8. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I just finished Lego Lord of the Rings today :) Have started Star Wars Lego. I’m not very good at this, but its fun.

    9. Gingerblue*

      Cities Skylines. Got a monorail system working! But now my garbage trucks aren’t working for no discernible reason.

    10. misspiggy*

      Ooh, I really need a gaming thread. Anyone got suggestions for nonviolent Xbox One games that don’t require a lot of learning? I’d love to be able to pick up a game without having to learn lots of controller combinations or develop complicated fighting or resourcing strategies. I’ve been enjoying GRIDD, Rime and Abzu but not finding much luck other than that.

  2. OperaArt*

    Thanks to everyone who helped 2 weeks ago when I was trying to find a dress for a dinner and ballroom dance event. I went from having no options to having an excess of choices. (Requirements listed at the end as a reminder.)

    If you’re interested in my final selection, it’s the Maggy London V-Neck Allover Sequin Ruffle Hem Sheath Dress from Dillards. I’ve never had an allover sequin dress before, but it’s appropriate for this event. The description says that the dress is silver, but it looks very gold in artificial light. I’ll include a link in a following post.

    (Requirements: in my early 60s, a US size 14 or 16, looking for a white or metallic gold dress. The length needed to be anywhere from knee to ankle, the sleeves at least to the middle of my upper arm, no illusion necklines or plunging backs, and it couldn’t look like a wedding dress.)

      2. Not So NewReader*

        You’d go a long way before you’d fine something nicer than this- it’s a wonderful choice.

    4. anon attorney*

      What a cute dress! I hope you have a fantastic evening.

      Can I cheekily hijack your post to seek similar assistance?

      I am late forties, UK size 12-14, looking for a dress for this year’s festivities (heading back to what’s left of the UK for a bit). I want to be modest on top but show off my legs (my favourite bit of body) but I can’t wear a high/roll neck or halter as top heavy – a gentle scoop or wrap style neckline suits me. I really like styles with chiffon sleeves/yokes and I’m relaxed about showing arms and upper back. Going for classy but sexy here. Ideas gratefully received!

        1. anon attorney*

          Default to black, but I’m open to ideas. Not s fan of pastels or pinks – strong colors basically :)

      2. OperaArt*

        House of Fraser has a black above-the-knee dress with chiffon sleeves and a medium scoop neck. The James Lakeland Pleat Dress with Chiffon Sleeve. It might be a bit longer than you’re looking for, depending on your height.

        1. OperaArt*

          A sexier option is their Frock and Frill Embellished Mini Dress. Sleeveless, lower back, short. Heavily embellished.

      4. OhBehave*

        Are you in the US? You say you’re heading back to the UK….

        UK
        cute in all colors
        https://www.romanoriginals.co.uk/ombre-sequin-shift-dress-14061495

        Watch the video. https://www.romanoriginals.co.uk/lace-overlay-dress-14010413

        pretty in red https://www.romanoriginals.co.uk/rose-print-overlay-dress-14010378

        US

        https://www.macys.com/shop/product/inc-balloon-sleeve-wrap-dress-created-for-macys?ID=9527184&CategoryID=66874&sizes=DEPARTMENT_TYPE!!Dresses&swatchColor=Deep%20Black

        gorgeous in navy https://www.dillards.com/p/tahari-asl-beaded-illusion-neck-velvet-sheath-dress/509839772

        green or white https://www.dillards.com/p/vince-camuto-asymmetrical-bell-sleeve-stretch-sheath-dress/509719271

        https://www.dillards.com/p/preston–york-felicia-short-sleeve-lace-sheath-dress/505009646

    5. Jdc*

      Oh that’s gorgeous. Perfect for the occasion. I never can find a reason to wear sequins but wish I could!

    7. OperaArt*

      Forgot to mention that I saved the links to all of the dresses people suggested. There are a couple more that are seriously calling my name.

  3. Arts Akimbo*

    Tabletop roleplaying– who has campaigns going? Or who has dream campaigns they’d like to run? What games?

    I’m currently in a D&D 5e game run by my spouse. We’ve got 4 people in the group with a possible fifth being added. It started out as a game where we were just blasting Undead creatures, and it is turning into this huge worldwide issue where the walls between all the planes are thinning and the Illithids are creeping back in to run their dark conspiracies!! It was one incredible plot twist, and we’ve only just scratched the surface! Also we have liberated a dragon egg from a pocket dimension where an Illithid had built its library/war room. And… in this library we found books with AIRSHIPS in them, and proof that our world used to have airships which have been wiped from all history and living memory! OH THE SUSPENSE! But my character is a Swashbuckler rogue, a pirate, and she longs to command an airship.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’m running the Pathfinder “Giantslayer” adventure path. We’ve only had a couple sessions, so they’re still I think level 2 :)

      1. TheMonkey*

        Same! I get my satisfaction vicariously via actual play podcasts and streams. Not as good, but still fun to watch/listen.

      2. Arts Akimbo*

        Ooh, I hope you get to someday!! If you’re interested, boardgamegeek.com has a sister site called rpggeek.com, and they do play-by-forum games there.

    3. curly sue*

      We’ve got a couple of campaigns going – a 2nd ed AD&D with my partner and kids, set in mythological Ancient Greece (kids are into Percy Jackson and partner is a Classics geek), and an Al’Qadim game (2nd ed AD&D ‘Arabian Nights’ setting) that partner, Oldest and I are playing with a friend of mine and her family. We’ve got a session of Al’Qadim this afternoon, in fact!

      1. Angwyshaunce*

        2nd edition D&D is my default – started learning it at 13 years old, and have 25 years (on and off) experience with that particular rule set.

        1. Arts Akimbo*

          I love 2nd edition forever because of that, myself! I still know all the page numbers of my favorite DMG stuff.

      2. Arts Akimbo*

        I always wanted to play in the Al’Qadim setting! So cool. And also, yay Percy Jackson fans! Glad that kids and Classics geeks get to bond in play! :)

        1. curly sue*

          The kids are playing twin children of Apollo, and I’m playing the grizzled old centaur cleric. My job is basically to follow them around and keep their characters alive long enough to complete the story. *g* So far so good!

          1. Zephy*

            (not that anyone’s still looking at the FFA on tuesday, but…)

            …so you’re the Centaur for Disease Control?

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Hurrah for 2nd Edition! We haven’t played much for 10 years, because of life obligations vs 50 minute drive to the gaming group. But our 8th grader now has a D&D club at school (5e) so we’re thinking of a future with 2e upstairs and 5e in the basement. :)

    4. Admin Formerly Known as Actor*

      That sounds super cool, props to your group and your DM for that fun story!

      I’m playing in a D&D 5E game right now with some friends from college. Unfortunately, I’m mostly hanging in because I think I’d lose these friends if I stepped away, but the DM and I have some pretty major stylistic differences and we also have a player with pretty serious “That Guy” syndrome, which when I brought up to said DM I was told, “That’s just how [player] is. You have to ignore 50% of what he says.” (Keep in mind, we’ve been playing almost a year and this player hasn’t straightened me and another player out (both women). Constantly mixes up our names – not our characters’ names, ours.)

      But the upside of all that is, I think I’m going to start planning my own campaign! Last time I took a stab at DMing, it was with this group, and I’ve since realized that they just aren’t a good group for me to DM for various reasons. (Also I jumped in with WAY too big a campaign idea and bit off more than I could chew.) But I have another friend who’d be interested in a campaign I run and I think I can find others – especially if I try to do it play-by-post style, which I think I’d like – so I’m going to start planning and see where it goes!

      1. Ariaflame*

        I’m DMing for the first time next month. Little bit nervous, we’ve been playing mostly GURPS for a while but what with having watched a lot of CR etc. I decided I’d like to start with 5e.

        1. Admin Formerly Known as Actor*

          Good luck! 5E is pretty easy IMO, just remember that you don’t have to be Matt Mercer straight out of the gate (and frankly, your players probably aren’t the CR cast either lol). I liked the bit of DMing I did before, just overwhelmed myself with trying to do too much. We’ve both got this this time around! :)

        2. Arts Akimbo*

          YAY!! Good luck and have fun! The key to success as a GM is to set up a great story for you *and* your players to tell! :) CR is a great place to go for inspiration!

          5e is so fun! I think it keeps the cool parts of the previous editions while sanding down many of the rough edges. It’s a great choice for a first-time GM.

        3. Minocho*

          I GM a lot, and often without an established group – until this most recent job sucked my time away, I volunteered to GM organized play tables at all the local gaming conventions, for usually four 4 hour sessions each weekend (as a woman, I feel it’s important to offer a table run by a woman to give other women who might be nervous to try it a different option) – and the most important thing to remember is keep the focus on the players.

          Different players have different styles, and some will mesh better than others, but if you keep your focus on the players, you’ll be able to determine what matters to them surprisingly quickly. Some find the rules super important (it gives them a set of parameters and lets them feel a little more in control), some find the story to be core, some want a chance to be the center of attention. If there appears to be a lack of interest or a problem, take a break and ask about it in private, see if adjustments need to be made.

          Another thing that I think is critical is: don’t try to solve problems using the game. If there is a problem at the table, with a certain player or between players, address it as soon as possible, address it directly, and address it in private first ( much like the interpersonal problem solving strategy Ask A Manager suggests for workplace issues). I’ve seen people try to handle issues in game, and it really can ruin a game (and the point is often missed). I’ve also seen people decide to ignore/avoid a recurring issue, until their ignore/avoid bucket is full, and then there’s an explosion and a problem that is much harder to fix.

      2. Arts Akimbo*

        My group did a play-by-post Amber Diceless game years ago that turned out absolutely amazingly. I think that style of gaming can really engender player investment and seriously interesting roleplaying! I wish you well with your game! :) And hopefully you won’t have That Guy in it. :P Gotta love dudes who think of all women as interchangeable, amirite?

        My spouse and I played with a group for a long time whose DM didn’t really match our play style. He wavered between overly simulationist and rules-crunchiness and didn’t seem to want to let the players drive the story in the directions we wanted to take it. And the weird thing was, he considered himself a total narrativist! It’s just that he had The One True Narrative in his head, I guess. Anyway, we loved him as a friend and put up with it until my spouse just Could. Not. Deal. (One of the other players did something that pretty much wrecked everything our group had been working toward for like 5 sessions, and if Spouse were GMing, he would have given the player a warning, like, “You start to cast the fireball through the keyhole of that locked door, but as you bend down, you smell a whiff of black powder emanating from the chamber within. What do you do?”) But yeah, it’s sad, because we don’t hang out with that group as much without that game to tie us together.

        1. Admin Formerly Known as Actor*

          “The One True Narrative” is EXACTLY how my current DM functions. When asked, he says all the right advice about how it isn’t him vs the party, that you have to make sure the players have choices, etc etc, but when it comes to the game he will literally remove a door from behind us so we go the direction he wants us to. Combined with his tendency to power game so that you have to battle optimally or risk death (although he won’t actually kill anyone, which takes all the suspense out of the game and just makes difficult battles feel obnoxious, not dramatic) it’s just a very linear path sometimes, haha.

          I’m super excited to try another play-by-post! I got involved in one for a month or two and then the DM got busy at work and had to back out, but I loved it for those couple months. I also have a friend who’s wanted to play for a while but never has the time, but he thinks he could manage a paragraph every couple days so he’s in. So I’m holding onto hope that I can make this work – and should probably go get started figuring out my campaign to do so, ha!

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            My husband and I call it railroading… if it starts happening, one of us will mutter to the other a very quiet chugga-chugga train sound, and the other will try not to bust out laughing.

          2. Minocho*

            Oooooh, yeah, I had one of these. This GM would always wax poetic about wanting to give us freedom and choice, and how he wanted our choices to matter, but then he set up the game like a video game rpg – there is a choice tree, but there are a discreet number of choices, and you WILL choose one of the ones he’s decided is available, not something else. The one time we absolutely refused to follow one of the pre-scripted available choices, our characters were punished and lost abilities and all allies. I was…not impressed by that.

            For me, the joy of the game is the fact that the GM has infinite options in how they make the world and situation react to player choices. I run pre-made adventures, but I heavily rewrite them as players express interest in other directions.

    5. Short Time Lurker Komo*

      I am in three games, two Pathfinder and 1 5e! The two Pathfinder ones are long distance using Roll20 – we have people from both coasts and even Canada, and that’s a lot of fun. One of them is a homebrew game that’s got us doing epuc level stuff at level 6 (and it’s taken us 3 years to hit 6 XD). The other is Rise of the Runelords – we just started book 3.

      The 5e game is played IRL irregularly and it is also homebrew. Its an evil campaign, but we spent most of the time so far in prison (when we hadn’t done anything yet!), but we recently escaped and are figuring out where we need to go next. XD

      1. Arts Akimbo*

        Oooh, fun!! I do like Roll20 for online campaigns! The DM of the last campaign we played using it didn’t like it for all these extremely obscure reasons that didn’t quite stick in my mind, but it wasn’t things that I noticed during play.

        YAY for homebrew games! There has never been a system or game that my group and I didn’t mod somehow during play. You just gotta go with the storytelling and system needs of the actual playgroup, ya know? (MAYBE Amber Diceless we didn’t modify.)

        I love that it took you 3 years to hit 6 level!! To me, the fun of games is when you’re low level and clawing your way up and just trying to survive and are constantly in over your head and need to keep your wits about you! 3-5 is my sweet spot for D&D/Pathfinder type games.

    6. Stormfeather*

      Sounds like a great way to segue into Spelljammer TBH, if they ever bring that out for 5e (or your DM wants to homebrew a conversion from the old rules).

      I don’t currently have any face-to-face games going on since I do almost all my socializing via the internet these days, but I’m in two internet games, one using Fantasy Grounds on Steam, the other using roll20.net. One is the latest in a sort of series of campaigns we’ve done with one general group of friends that were run by first one person, then another, with each of the DMs having played in the other campaign(s). The current campaign is a game where the world is created by the DM but uses a lot of the various dungeons or whatever that are pre-published, and oddly enough also involves the planes starting to fragment and bleed into each other, and we JUST made it out of one such accidental jaunt into another plane only to come back and find we may have ended up in the future…? Or something. Or maybe just ended up elsewhere on the home plane than we thought we did. My character is a female aasimar who is a cavalier subclass fighter, and all the characters I think have died at least once, but the DM was merciful since we were just starting out. Not sure if he’d give us any more freebies at this point.

      The other campaign is the second I’ve been in run by a different DM, and most of the players are different except for the one who was the first DM in the other series of campaigns (he brought me over when I was interesting in playing more, and they needed more players). The first one was also a created-by-him campaign that involved illithids almost having taken over the plane and us fighting against them, and ended up with us getting shifted to another plane for a while (funny how that happens). The current one is actually just us going through the pre-made campaign Dragon Heist, with occasional extra things from him thrown in (plus we started out via another low-level adventure). My first character there was a female tiefling monk (way of the kensei), but this DM tends to be honestly pretty brutal in his encounters and she died alongside three of the other four characters, so we rolled randomly for new characters (fudging it slightly by giving ourselves two choices) and ended up all three rolling up new paladins and just running with it. Mine’s a female triton conquest paladin who has also died since, but the DM felt merciful and gave us a way to get a raise dead for her.

      *Cough* sorry, I may be a geeky type who ends up getting carried away talking about RPGs and such. >_>

      1. Arts Akimbo*

        Ha, that is awesome!! Our games are spiritual cousins in so many ways! But man, those killer DMs… mine is relatively merciful with the challenges so far. Even the undead army I thought was going to kill the heck out of us turned out to be nothing we couldn’t whittle away at. So cool that you might be time travelling in the first one! And the second one– always wanted to play Dragon Heist! (I guess we’re heisting a dragon egg– does that count? ;-D)

        I would love nothing more dearly than for this game to segue into a 5e homebrew Spelljammer! I am crossing all my fingers and toes for that to happen!! Spelljammer and general Astral Plane ramblings are things I’ve always wanted to play but have never gotten to.

        Ha, just feel free to geek out about RPGs any time!!! I love it!

    7. Angwyshaunce*

      Playing a Pathfinder campaign at the moment. I play a wizard, so I wood-worked a “spell book” (book-shaped box with hinged front cover). Every spell I learn, I create an index card with all relevant info, that goes into the box. When it comes time to select spells, I just take out those index cards. No longer any need to write which spells I’ve memorized, nor to look up a spell in the book. So much fun!

      1. Arts Akimbo*

        OMG, that is SO COOL!! I lllllllllllove props for RPGs!! I made a full deck of Trumps complete with card box for an Amber Diceless campaign, but I never ever thought about making a “spell book” box!! That is the best idea ever, because spells and magic are THE biggest pain in the butt to keep organized for any RPG system, and you’ve really cracked it by having index cards!

        May I utterly steal this idea for my V:tM character, who has a ridiculous number of Thaumaturgical rituals after 14 years of play…?

      2. Arts Akimbo*

        Ha, my comment got stuck in moderation for having too many enthusiastic caps and exclamation points. Your spell book idea is awesome and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

        1. Angwyshaunce*

          Thank you! Yes, you should definitely try it! If making a book-shaped box is not your thing, I’ve seen them before in craft stores.

    8. Nott the Brave*

      My husband runs a weekly Pathfinder game for me and two of our friends. It’s set in our world, 500 years after an Event caused magic to spill into the world at large. We’re about a year into our exploration of the lost Island of Oahu, and just started ousting the shapeshifters that have been infiltrating our villiage.

      Slightly off-topic, but I just got to see The Adventure Zone love on Wednesday. I’ve rarely laughed so hard in all my life!

    9. Amethystmoon*

      I play in a couple of RPGs on Fantasy Grounds weekly. If you’re not familiar with Fantasy Grounds, it’s essentially a computer system for running table top games online. You still roll dice and have adventure cards, for those games with adventure cards. It allows D&D, Pathfinder, and a bunch of other things. There are quite a few games that were developed with the Savage Worlds ruleset. I’ve played Star Trek on it. Currently, I am in a 2e group on Wednesday nights and a Delta Green game on Sunday nights.

    10. The Half Elf*

      Currently playing Savage Worlds. Our GM anticipates that our current campaign will finish up first couple months of next year and then my bf will be DMing a 5e game: Ghosts of Salt Marsh.

    11. LizB*

      I’m DMing a 5e campaign with my three siblings, who are all playing different subclasses of rogue. I’ve been struggling a bit because they don’t RP very much, and so they keep zooming through my prepped material way faster than I expect them to. I think I’m finally getting the hang of throwing in enough riddles and logic puzzles to slow them down, though, and they’re getting more and more comfortable with the RP side of things, so we’ll hit a good balance eventually.

      1. Minocho*

        Keep throwing opportunities at them. If they get attached or intrigued by anything, use that as a hook to encourage RPing. You can encourage the RP by adding as much first person RPing as you’re able (voice changes for different NPCs, having their action elicit reactions that you demonstrate).

        I started out as a numbers based player. I’m a software developer and I love math and systems design, so that was the first thing I focused on. But as I got comfortable with the numbers and rules, I really began to work on the RP experience. I”m still working on it, but I needed the numbers nailed down to move forward.

        Keep having fun!!!

    13. Minocho*

      I’m the GM for a Pathfinder (1st edition) game, but I”ll go on a short hiatus to allow another player to GM for a bit, and he wants to try out Pathfinder 2e.

      I’m also a player in a D&D 5e game (which just introduced time travel to save the world by jumping through Stargates powered by dragon magic. Whee!), and when that campaign is finished, I”m planning to run a Pathfinder adventure path I LOVE, converted to D&D 5e.

      I’m the kind of player that loves complicated rules and all the fiddly bits. I’ve played a lot of D&D 3.5 and Pathfinder 1E and love the complicated options available, so I was worried about D&D 5e being enjoyable enough, but it’s really grown on me. I tend to build only certain characters when I play 5E, because I like the complicated stuff, but it’s really a well designed system – allows the freedom for roleplay to be central, simple enough to be approachable for new players, but with enough room for complexity that I can let my nerd side out too. I played an illusionist in my first 5e game, because there’s a lot there to manage and it requires a certain…flexibility of thought, and it was super fun! And now I”m a Hexblade / Paladin (going Hexblade/Paladin/Sorceror soon because…resource management fun!).

      1. NewGuy*

        Pathfinder will always be my first love… but I’ll admit that I’m not a huge fan of Pathfinder 2e. I played through some test versions before the official was released, and felt it lost a lot of what made Pathfinder special.

        I only got into 5e recently, but like you, I had a lot more fun than I expected! It definitely gives the whole game a more relaxed feel than pathfinder does.

        Hexblade/Paladin sounds really epic. Good luck with your games!

    1. Anon Here*

      Stately. He looks like he’s about to announce that he’s running for president, which would be welcome as far as I’m concerned.

      (Delete if too political.)

  5. Lemonish*

    Looking for recommendations for graphic novels for a soon-to-be 9 year old.

    He loves Usagi, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Captain Underpants, Dog Man. He really enjoys complex stories (he listens to Patrick Rothfuss’s Kingkiller Trilogy books in the car with his dad), so I’m fine with stuff that isn’t purposely made for kids as long as it’s not too sexy or violent.

    Thank you!

    1. AcademiaNut*

      Check out Ursula Vernon’s stuff – the Dragonbreath series and the Hamster Princess series. They’re a mix of graphics and text, aimed at a middle school age.

      I haven’t actually read them, just browsed them, but they look fun. I thoroughly enjoy her adult books written as T. Kingfisher.

      1. OtterB*

        I came to recommend Ursula Vernon Dragonbreath and Hamster Princess also. Her Digger might work if he likes complex stories. It is for adults but neither sexy nor overly violent. It is, however, more intense and there is some violence.

        1. Jules the 3rd*

          I love Ursula Vernon and T. Kingfisher, and second the Dragonbreath and Hamster Princess, but Digger is adult / late teens. The domestic violence subplot is not for kids, especially in its resolution.

          I handed my kid _The Cartoon History of The Universe_ when he was 7, and he’s read it through twice. He didn’t understand some of it, but it’s funny and true.

          I also like the Avatar the Last Airbender comics (set right after the series), there’s at least 5 of those now, every bit as good as the series (and if he hasn’t seen that, it’s the best). I love Rothfuss’s first Kingkiller and the 2nd was still good, but am SO frustrated waiting for #3. EIGHT YEARS. arrrrrrrgggghhh

          5th grade, little jules had to read a WWII book for school, so I handed him Maus, he asked for the second volume (which I just found, thanks to looking at my collection for this – thanks!). I had a hard time with both the book and Maus, but he hasn’t seemed phased.

          Not graphic novels, but my GN loving kid is trying different things: at 10yo, he really liked _Dragon’s Egg_, by Robert L Forward – hard sci fi, one of the best. Have not been able to get him to start any Vernor Vinge, I think the size is intimidating him. I should hand him some Miles Vorkosigan.

            1. Jules the 3rd*

              Yeah, hard to get into any more detail without major spoilers, but whew, that was not for kids.

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        We just picked up manga versions, which look good but might be a little challenging for 9yos (right to left format)

        1. Richard Hershberger*

          That’s what my kid has. The format strikes me as an affectation for an American edition, but the kid hasn’t had any problem with it. She would probably reject it if it were something she wasn’t really into, but given that she is motivated, she picked it right up.

    3. Hi there*

      That was a fun age! Maybe Bone? Timmy Failure was also a hit around the same time as the books you listed, and I thought those were hilarious. If it does not have to be graphic the Warriors series about a cat society in the forest (by Erin Hunter) is probably in your future.

      1. Clisby*

        Absolutely second the Bone series. My husband, daughter, and son all really liked it. It was the first thing my son voluntarily read just for his own pleasure, when he was 8 – he heard his sister and father talking about it, read the first book, and then read all the rest of the series over a summer. I haven’t read it, but it clearly appeals to a wide range of ages.

    4. I edit everything*

      My soon-to-be-10 son likes Rick Riordan’s stuff. There are graphic novels of his Percy Jackson series.

    5. Curly sue*

      My kid of that age with similar reading tastes is All About all the various Minecraft books – there are strategy guides, but also illustrated novels. I don’t know if there are graphic novel versions of any Gordon Korman books, but his middle-grade novels (especially the Macdonald Hall series) have hit the sweet spot for gentle/madcap comedy.

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        _Diary of an 8 Bit Warrior_ is on my kid’s shelf, below Bone and above all the Vernons. It’s better than _Wimpy Kid_ to me, if I was a parent to Rodrick, he would have… some different consequences, shall we say.

        _Nurk_ is an early Vernon stand alone, nice and quirky and age appropriate.

        1. Sarah*

          I was scrolling to see if anyone had recommended the Amulet series, but our family of adult, 12 yo, and 9yo all liked it.

      2. Jaydee*

        Another vote for Amulet! My son devoured them last year (8yo) and claimed them as his favorite series ever and the series that really made him like reading.

    8. Graphic Novels*

      My 10 year old son inhales books so I can’t say he’s particularly selective in his book choices but I think the below books are also popular among his classmates. For graphic novels he is currently enjoying the Nathan Hale’s Hazardous Tales series. He has also liked the Amulet (Kazu Kibuishi), The Last Kids on Earth (Max Brallier), and The Bad Guys (Aaron Blabey). The Bad Guys books are pretty short (they are like candy, my son will finish them in less than 30 minutes) but he finds them very funny and will often reread them.

      On a kind of different theme, he has also enjoyed el Deafo by Cece Bell and several of Raina Telgemeir’s graphic novels (Smile, Guts) which are stories about the authors growing up.

    9. Other Meredith*

      I’ve had a lot of success with Nathan Hale’s Hazardous Tales, which are graphic novels about historical figures and events. A few examples-the Donner party, Harriet Tubman, the Alamo. They’re very funny but also you learn a lot. I personally love them, and the kids at the library have liked them a lot too. Appropriate for older kids and teens.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        I second these, my 10 yr old daughter loves them!

        The Last Kids on Earth series is pretty engaging too – not a true graphic novel but heavy on the illustrations.

    10. fposte*

      Ben Hatke’s Zita the Spacegirl and Mighty Jack series are both great; Sara Varon is excellent in just about everything; Judd Winick’s Hilo books are winners; Chad Sell’s The Cardboard Kingdom is cool; Eric Orchard’s Maddy Kettle books are fun witchy fantasies. There’s also some great graphic-novel format nonfiction by people like Don Brown if that’s something that he might be interested in.

    11. Hi there*

      There are a lot of good recommendations in this thread. I am going to have to check out Ursula Vernon and T. Kingfisher. Also, the big hardbacks of the Complete Calvin and Hobbes are great.

    13. Sh’Dynasty*

      Robin Hobbs full collection is great- adult themed, great story lines, no sex. The original trilogy would be a perfect start since you follow the main character thru childhood. Since they’re actual books, may want to look into audiobooks too.

    14. Sarah*

      My son read the text version of the Wings of Fire series and loved it, but a younger friend of his is reading the graphic novel version and really likes it as well.

    15. weird magnet*

      Lumberjanes – a group of girls at a summer camp where cryptids show up

      All of Art Balthazar’s stuff is pretty great – I’ve given Tiny Titans to younger cousins before.

    18. Nita*

      A few I can think of off the top of my head – Geronimo Stilton series (they may be a little too kiddie, but you never know), I Am Neil Armstrong, Red’s Planet.

    19. Traffic_Spiral*

      Hm… Girl Genius (available in print and/or online) is pretty fun. There’s a few kissing scenes, but nothing too much. Ranma 1/2 is also silly kid fun, with slapstick kungfu violence and practically no kissing, but *does* show cartoon boobs (but mainly in a ‘LOL, the guy that turns into a girl doesn’t care about wearing shirts’ way), so… that might or might not work for you.

    20. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Not graphic novels, but if he liked the Rothfuss, it’s up his alley:
      ‘The Ranger’s Apprentice’ series by John Flanagan. I’ll throw in ‘Keys to the Kingdom’ by Garth Nix.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Oh and The Invention of Hugo Cabret by Brian Selznic IS a graphic novel–just so big I forget.

    21. Damien*

      How about some of Terry Pratchett’s books? He’s done some for kids of various ages, and even his most “adult” books contain a bit of mild language and that’s about it.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Some of them get more serious–Wintersmth for example. And good omens is a bit older than 9!

    22. Lemonish*

      Holy cow! You’ve all totally come through on these recommendations. Thank you so much. I am going to take some time to compile a list. Looks like my kid is going to get some great reads for his birthday and Christmas.

  6. Shiny Flygon*

    Haven’t done a Pokémon Go thread in a few weeks and it’s the community day today, so hi! Caught anything good recently? Have you beaten Arlo? (If so OH MY GOD TELL ME HOW. I’ve beaten Cliff but cannot beat Arlo to save my life!) Have you got an unova stone yet? I play daily and quite heavily and still not had a single one. Did you pay for the Regigigas event? Was it worth it for you? I didn’t, long story.

    Oh, and I caught my first durant on Tuesday and accidentally transferred it. I’m gutted.

    1. WS*

      I don’t have a Unova stone either! My girlfriend does, and we usually play everything together, so I think it’s just chance at this time. I’m sorry about your durant, how annoying!

      1. Shiny Infernape*

        Yeah it’s just chance isn’t it? I’m glad there are other unova-stone-free people out there though.
        Thank you!

    2. LGC*

      I’ve been off for the past couple of weeks – I broke my phone running the NYC Marathon (yes, you can carry an iPhone 7 in an arm sleeve for 26.2 miles, but put it in a bag first), and then this week was chaotic.

      I have so much I need to get caught up on, though! I haven’t taken on the Go Rocket team leaders yet at all.

        1. LGC*

          I did last week! I was slightly upset because I lost whatever turn-in value I had, but I was getting myself an iPhone 11 anyway.

    3. MinotJ*

      I somehow got 2 Unova stones soon after they appeared, and I didn’t appreciate them because I figured they were going to be as common as King’s Rocks. Now I know I just got lucky.

      My frustration lately is that I only have one Pokémon friend IRL, and I don’t want to rely on her for every new research task that requires trading and battling. I have over 30 long–distance friends, so if any of you want to randomly battle me, I’ll say “yes” if I happen to be playing right then, especially on my “weekend” (Tuesday/Wednesday). Otherwise, I’ve just given up on special research.

      I haven’t battled any of the Rocket leaders yet, but I have bookmarked a few pages explaining which Pokémon to use for each of them.

    4. Cruciatus*

      I’ll be doing Community Day in a bit. Not excited they then added ANOTHER HOUR for the Galarian Weezing raids right after CD. I have no interest in being outside at 30° for 4 hours. Why’d they spring it on us last second? Why not have it, say, next weekend?

      I am level 40, but apparently a lot of my Pokemon are not a high enough level to beat the Team Rocker Leaders. I did beat Cliff once but it was by the skin of my (Pokemon’s) teeth! I was reading a bit and it looks like level 30 pokemon are the ones to use in these battles. So I’ve been looking at common pokemon used for these Leader battles and have been powering them up and blowing through alllll the stardust I had just earned from that last event. Goodbye, a million pieces of stardust!

      If anyone doesn’t know how to tell what level your Pokemon are, there are calculators out there. I use an app called Pokegenie which I think is easier for android than iPhones). It will also tell you how good that Pokemon’s IV is, etc. by taking a screenshot of your pokemon and giving you the stats.

      I do have one Unova stone from doing the weekly research. I’ve been holding on to it until I get really good pokemon to evolve it with. I have enough Panpours but they are all just awful. I only want to use the stone for something worthwhile!

      1. Shiny Infernape*

        I know right? We got so very lucky on shinies so I was glad to get home before 2pm. No way was I going to stand outside for another hour, my coat had already soaked through :( even tomorrow would have been better than today!

        I presume that at some point they’ll have something like the swinub community Day when you can get a load of unova stones one weekend but I can’t wait until then!!

        Also level 40. I’ve beat Cliff a couple of times but cannot beat Arlo and now I’m at the stage where I need to for the special research :( think I’m gonna have to do the same with stardust and power up all the way. No charge TMs either which I think I might need :(

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      >accidentally transferred
      Oh I’m so sorry! I did that early on with my first Snorlax, and I’m embarrassed to admit I felt sick to my stomach.

    7. Arts Akimbo*

      I missed the event entirely by leaving my house at 2:30. I was so sad! Not a straggling Chimchar in sight!

  7. Orange You Glad*

    When I watch shows/films that have intense scary soundtracks to build tension…I mute them.

    I’ve watched entire horror films muted with subtitles because otherwise it’s too much and I’ll have nightmares!

    Do you do this? Am I the only one?

    (Bonus question: why is that music SO SCARY?! It’s amazing to me how different it is with vs without the sound!)

    1. valentine*

      I can’t watch scary movies anymore and it’s mostly the music. Sometimes it plays on non-horror stuff and I’m like, “Thanks for creeping me out, composer. But why? Why does it have to be so good?”

    2. Lena Clare*

      Yes! Or rather…I don’t watch horror films at all because I hate to be scared and the music is a huge part of that.
      But I very often will mute TV programmes I’m watching to cut out the music and just watch it with the subtitles instead.
      Sometimes the music is too atmospheric and therefore distracting.

    3. CoffeeforLife*

      I read an article about the use of infrasound and how it skeeves us out and produces feelings of dread. I regularly mute shows to get past a scene because I can’t handle the buildup.

      I also get embarrassed for characters so socially awkward situations get me too. Scotts Tots =total cringe

      2. A few things are nice*

        This is me! It really helped me feel more normal when I discovered there is a word for getting embarrassed for the characters – “fremdschamen”. (There may be an umlaut in there).

      4. Arts Akimbo*

        OMG, I just have to fast-forward through the Scotts Tots episode! Sometimes I watch the B story but usually I just skip it.

    4. Majestik Moose*

      Oh yes. That’s totally me. Otherwise, I get horrifically vivid dreams that are part movie-world, part something-my-mind-conjured-from nothing.

    5. Caterpie*

      Similar, but I used to play horror video games with the music turned off and Taylor Swift playing instead. Totally made them playable, even by myself in the dark.

    6. Queer Earthling*

      My sister doesn’t watch horror movies anymore, but sound is a huge trigger for her anxiety. She even covers her ears during tense moments in otherwise chill/non-scary movies, as a reflex. So yeah, not just you!

    7. A Simple Narwhal*

      Ooh ooh there is an awesome video about why music sounds scary! I’ll post it in a comment below. It’s only five minutes long, and you should totally check out their other videos too!

      They go all into how music evokes feelings or tells stories, and a ton of awesome and fascinating things about music theory that we all experience but usually never think about. Two of my favorites are “How Pixar Uses Music to Make You Cry” and “ How Disney Uses Langauge”.

      2. Nessun*

        That is awesome! I admit, it’s always the music that gets me – moments that others aren’t crying at have me bawling because of the soundtrack. I kinda love that though. I find it cathartic.

    8. Gaia*

      So, I can’t tolerate suspense building scenes. I usually fast forward through them. Even scenes that are in cars where you just know a crash is coming. Or, like you mention, where the music is building to something.

      I can watch the actual scene where the thing happens, but not leading up to it. It is a weird quirk of my anxiety.

      1. lasslisa*

        I kind of think suspense is mean. Like someone is telling you a story and someone else is prancing around jeering, “ooooh, a bad thing’s gonna happen! It’s gonna happen! It’s gonna be bad!” And I want to like, cartoon-neck-grab the heckler and be like “ENOUGH.”

        Modern film does much more active emotional yanking than okay classic movies do, and I like them for that reason. Let me feel the feeling of the *story* and don’t try to Technicolor paint over my actual emotions with some clumsily intense feels track.

      2. lilsheba*

        What I can’t handle is visuals, especially when it comes to things like someone is on a ledge and about to fall off, or hanging from a helicopter about to fall off, or walking on a rickety bridge about to fall off, you get the idea. I HATE HATE HATE those and they trigger my anxiety and ocd really bad, the obsessive thoughts part.

      3. Tau*

        I have this problem, plus the problem with embarrassment, plus problems with scenes involving violence. At some point in my early twenties this ballooned to the point where I can no longer watch any TV or movies at all, beyond like… maybe cooking shows. If they’re not too exciting.

        The most annoying part is when I need to explain to someone why I don’t have a favourite movie or can’t remember any video-based advertisement at all.

    9. Chaordic One*

      I haven’t done this for the reason you gave, but now that I’m aware of it, I’ll probably do it in the future. I do find that often I’ll mute my TV just because. I have it set up to show closed captioning and that seems fine for most shows.

    10. My Brain Is Exploding*

      I hate scary movies!! I also hate any movie where there are sudden loud noises or people/things randomly popping out. I often read all the spoilers about movies before I see them to make sure I know what’s coming.

    11. Ludo*

      I don’t do that with movies but I do it with scary YouTube videos

      I agree it’s the sound that makes it scary

    12. Salymander*

      I don’t watch horror movies at all, but I do this with other shows/movies when the music gets to be too much.

    13. LilySparrow*

      One of my kids is like this – responds far more intensely to the music than the visuals. It’s just the way she’s wired.

    15. PartyTyme Brand Yohimbine-Rohypnol Injection*

      I do music production as a hobby. Seriously, you turn the music off because it scares you?! What a waste.

      That stuff about ‘infrasound’ is largely jive, IMHO. You’ll need a pretty good sound system to get anything from it. The one article quotes Gaspar Noé and recommends his movie Irreversible? I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that most of the people in askamanager.com won’t enjoy that movie, and not because of the sound work.

      The following videos go into a bit of music theory but do a nice job of laying out some pragmatic basics:

      How to Imitate a Whole Lot of Hollywood Film Music In Four Easy Steps

      https://youtu.be/YSKAt3pmYBs

      How to Imitate Even More Closely a Whole Lot of Hollywood Film Music with One More Easy Step

      https://youtu.be/W1DK4m2tuiw

      But today you don’t even need to know lots of theory. Check out the audio / video samples for the following software instruments:

      NI Thrill

      https://www.native-instruments.com/en/products/komplete/cinematic/thrill/

      NI Straylight

      https://www.native-instruments.com/en/products/komplete/synths/straylight/

      Note that these allow you to make high-quality ‘cinematic’ music by dragging your finger / mouse pointer around in real-time.

      One of the better examples of ‘real’ music in a horror film is the soundtrack to the movie It Follows. The first 5 minutes or so are an amazing piece of film-work.

      Finally, if you’ve never seen Hans Zimmer’s studio, it’s worth a peek:

      https://www.google.com/search?q=hans+zimmer+studio

    16. That Girl from Quinn's House*

      One time years ago I was watching something with an intense scary soundtrack to build tension, and my roommate’s dog burst into the room and ran up to the television to bark at it.

      Apparently the soundtrack did such a good job of selling the idea that monsters were afoot, that the dog bought in and started defending her house against the evil monsters in the TV.

    17. Lifesmpossible*

      I can totally relate.
      That being said, I totally want to recommend A Quiet Place. One reason I love that movie is because it has to rely on building tension and suspension without the noise (and when the noise does come in, it’s completely jarring because it seems out of place). It’s just a different type of horror with other beautiful subplots.

  8. AcademiaNut*

    I’m wondering about people’s experience with bifocals.

    I’ve worn distance glasses since a kid (with a moderate prescription). Now my reading vision is getting worse (age related). I can still read comfortably without glasses, but I can’t read *through* my regular glasses without getting eye strain, which is a problem when I’m at meetings and need to use my laptop and see the screen. I’m a heavy reader, and work on a computer all day.

    Any advice or suggestions? How well do bifocals work with computers?

    1. Lizabeth*

      I have trifocals and usually read without glasses being near sighted. A friend recommended when I first got them to get a prescription for single vision “computer distance only” and I have never regretted getting them. Much easier than to try constantly to find the sweet spot with the trifocals! Yes, it can be a pain to switch back and forth as needed but I usually have my tris on top of my head and use a glass strap on the computer ones to let them hang around my neck. Good luck!

      1. OtterB*

        I got progressive lenses several years ago after needing distance lenses all my life. I also had to get a computer distance pair of glasses because I was making my neck hurt tilting my head up to look at the computer screen through the lower part of the glasses. It did take a little adjustment but works great. The brain is marvelous about learning to interpret visual input.

        1. Hi there*

          I have progressives also and just keep my head at a particular angle when working on the computer. I have to adjust when I do the standing desk but no big deal.

    2. Nerdgal*

      I have no line bifocals. I use a computer frequently and so far they work okay. They just take a few days to get used to them. But if I ever need computer glasses I will probably get a dedicated pair like Lizabeth.

    3. Richard Hershberger*

      If you get traditional bifocals, they will drive you crazy for a week or two, as you constantly look through the line dividing the two lenses. Then your brain will adjust, and you won’t notice it. There are more expensive versions without the line. I have never tried them, as the line doesn’t bother me.

      As for reading, I got a new prescription a few months back. My distance vision was nearly unchanged, but my close vision had shifted. The new prescription made all the difference. Reading suddenly was easy again. It is totally worth the cost.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        Fortunately glasses are pretty cheap where I live. I’m used to paying about $150 US for single vision, including frames and exam.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’ve always been super nearsighted, but in the last few years, I’ve hit the point where anything within about the 18-36” range is too near to see with my glasses and too far to see without, and anything less than that I just take off my glasses anyway and hold close. (My husband jokes that I’m going to have a hard time explaining to my doctor how I managed to pierce my own nose with an embroidery needle while stitching.) I asked at my last eye exam if bifocals were in my near future (pun not intended) and the doc said no, not yet, I just need to make sure I remember where I put my glasses when I take them off for now. Apparently I need a more significant “problem range” before bifocals become the solution.

    5. NeverNicky*

      My bifocals, once I got the right prescription, were game changing.

      I’d not been reading much (and I used to read 150+ a year) or doing needlework because I couldn’t see well enough with my distance glasses but not wearing my glasses tired my eyes.

      Mine are set so the upper lens works for my computer stuff – I have a big desk with monitors well set back – and now work fine for distance and TV unless I need detail (like bus numbers in the city) and the lower for reading. There is a line but my brain almost immediately got to grips with that (possibly because my old lenses were scratched!)

      And my old hobbies are fun again. Now I just need more time!

    6. Usually Lurks*

      Like others I’ve got progressives (trifocals) for regular use but also a specific pair for computer use — mine aren’t single vision but rather progressive bifocals. They still have the reading prescription on the bottom part, but the middle and top are the middle distance (~30″) that is usually just in the middle of the full progressives. They make an enormous difference. When I first got progressives I didn’t really need help with reading but I did need help with the transition from screen to looking at closer papers (eye doctor calls it accommodation). Pretty much immediately eliminated the mid-afternoon eyestrain problems I was having. The computer bifocal version handles that issue and also avoids the neck strain of trying to hold your head to use the skinny middle section of the full progressives. I can see distance well enough with them to walk around the office, etc, so I mostly wear them all day at work and don’t have a lot of switching.

    7. Asenath*

      Tried progressives, hated them, and now get by with three single-prescription pairs – distance, reading and computer – and often not bothering with them at all if I’m reading something reasonably close, like a computer screen. I’ve been quite nearsighted all my life – I still remember my first pair of glasses and how sharp and clear everything was with them, so I have always been pro-glasses. But I always seemed to be looking through the wrong bit of the bifocals or progressives or whatever they were, having to hold my head at an odd angle, and if I did get the right angle, I soon had to move my head because it seemed like my eyes ran out of the proper bit of lens as I read on. It really spoiled the experience of reading, one of my great pleasures, and using the computer, both for pleasure and work. I must have had them for about two years, too, because I couldn’t afford to replace them until the time required by my insurance company had passed. Then I got two pairs, distance and reading, on one of those 2-for-1 deals, and later added in a special computer pair. Most people seem to adjust quite happily to progressives; I didn’t and disliked them so much I am not interested in giving them another try.

      1. Elder Dog*

        I had that problem when glasses styles were all small lenses. I broke my glasses sitting on them, got larger lenses, and no more problems.

        There’s a lot of little stuff that makes a difference.
        Lens size, if they got the lenses centered right (if the PD is off, you’ll never get used to the lenses) and put them on first thing in the morning and you’ll adjust faster.

    8. Fikly*

      I first started noticing problems with computers as well.

      I ended up with progressives, and so so happy with them! Depending on how early you’ve caught this, the actual difference in the correction you need for distance versus computer may not be very big, and most progressives start with a moderate difference. Not all eyeglass shops know this, but there are a few makers who make progressives that do accommodate mild differences, and that’s what I use. So make sure to ask about that as an option, if your exam shows that it’s not a huge difference. Even a mild difference can still cause problems/eye strain for some, and clearly you are having problems!

      The nice thing about progressives, also, versus bifocals, is that they naturally work at a variety of focal points. I need three primary focal points – distance, my computer, and my cross stitching. My progressives work for all of them.

      There are also lens coatings that are aimed at computer screens. I don’t know if this is part of your eye strain, but it might be worth trying.

      Also, whether you try bifocals or progressives, there can be a big adjustment brain wise for some, while others adjust immediately. It’s normal to be either way, but if you don’t adjust after a week, go back and request different lenses, and any reputable place will not charge you for the change. It’s expected that this just happens sometimes.

    9. Ambrianne*

      I started wearing glasses for distance when I was four and switched to contacts in high school. When my close-up vision started to go at forty, my eye doctor backed off the distance to 20/25 or so and that put off the inevitable for a couple of years. Now I wear bifocal contacts and they work great. It takes some adjustment, like a month.

      1. Tris Prior*

        Explain to me how bifocal contacts work? I can’t get my head around this – is the reading portion marked somehow so you know that has to go on the bottom of your eye when you’re inserting them?

        I’m similar to you, got glasses at 8, now nearsighted AF, and in my late 40s am having trouble with reading and close crafting work. Limping along with a pair of cheapass readers from CVS for now – which do help, but they make me kind of nauseated, especially while reading on public transport.

        1. Contacts*

          See the link below for an explanation of how bifocal and multifocal contacts work. I wore multifocal lenses for several years and was pleased with how they corrected my vision (it’s worsened and they aren’t an option for me right now). I can’t speak to the bifocal experience, but with multifocals, there wasn’t a right-side-up or upside-down.

          https://www.allaboutvision.com/contacts/bifocals.htm

        2. Dancing Otter*

          I had bifocals, but realized they spent more time on top of my head than on my nose. They just weren’t worth the cost for me. That was about fifteen years ago.

          My eye doctor suggested one contact with full distance correction and the other for close-up. Supposedly, your brain adjusts quickly. Yeah, I’ll pass on that, thanks.

          We settled on contacts for distance and readers over them: not the ultra-cheap ones, but call them the top of the line at the drugstore. Since the contacts already took care of the astigmatism, I didn’t need expensive readers, but there can be quality issues at the very lowest price point.

          That worked for several years, but when I retired I realized I just wasn’t putting the contacts in until I needed to go out somewhere, so I switched to glasses only for distance. Apparently, my astigmatism isn’t strong enough to keep me from threading needles or reading or using the tablet/laptop.

          I’m back where I started 50+ years ago.

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      I was really surprised at how seamless the transition was. I expected lots of nausea and trouble adjusting, yet the only times I even noticed were laying way back on the couch watching a movie and running in the woods–in both cases, I was looking through the bottom of the lens which is adjusted for close reading and so blurry for things farther away.

      I am on a laptop all the time and bifocals work fine.

    11. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      I use progressives and like them. It took my brain a few days to adjust to the first pair, but it’s been smooth sailing since.

      One piece of non-obvious advice: be careful walking *down* stairs for those first few days. I worked out a subway route to and from home that had me walking only *up* stairs, which was in reverse of what most people would want, but felt (and likely was) safer. (This was a couple of decades ago, when the New York subway had even fewer elevators than it does now.)

    12. OperaArt*

      I have progressive lens. They don’t work well for a large screen if I’m going to be looking at it for more than a few minutes. I have to move my head around too much in order to focus. So I also have a much cheaper pair of computer glasses for work.

    13. Kuododi*

      I’ve been on bifocals for about 10-15 yrs. It has been a positive in the past however the past couple of years, I have found myself taking my glasses off to read small print. Grrrrr I am hoping this is part of the joy of aging. Best regards

    14. Pamela Adams*

      I have trifocals- the middle range is my computer glasses. I had bifocals for years before that. I even had them as a kid. Your eyes and brain quickly learn the trick, so you don’t have to consciously use them.

    15. Not So Little My*

      Look into “office lenses”. They’re a special type of progressive lens that is designed for working with computers. I still switch back and forth between my office glasses and my regular daily wear progressive glasses, but your mileage may vary.

    16. Not A Manager*

      I love my progressive lenses. They do take a little getting used to, so give them time and be sure that your doctor has instructed you on how to adjust to them.

    17. No fan of Chaos*

      Put your glasses on and sit like you usually do in front of the computer. Take a marker and mark a small line on each glasses lens above where you look through at your computer. I used a fine line nonpermanent marker. Now do some reading and typing on the computer and see if that would be a comfortable place to have a line. Then go drive your car and see if you can easily see over the line. If you let the optician set the line, it will be too high or too low. Good luck.

      1. Earthwalker*

        Yes, this. I’ve been in bifocals for fifty years since I was in middle school. (Loved them then and still do.) I’m a fan of line bifocals because no lens space is wasted on partway-between near and far. When I go to the optometrist I have to show him how far away the computer is from my eyes so that he prescribes the right correction, and then show the optician where the line should be, as No Fan of Chaos says. Good line placement means you don’t have to tilt your head at an odd angle to read the screen or drive the car. With trifocals you can park a closer-up book-reading or sewing lens below the computer lens. I tried it and found that for me having both computer and book lenses made them so narrow that I had to nod up and down to use either, so I gave up the book lens. One gotcha on using the bottom lens of bifocals for the computer, though: you’ll want the line higher than for a book reading lens, and some opticians who are good at placing a book lens will balk at putting the line that high. Bringing the laptop to your appointment (if you use its onboard screen) may help to demonstrate.

    18. LilySparrow*

      I am similar with lifelong nearsightedness and recent age-related farsightedness.

      I got progressives about six months ago, and they’re great. You can even get the kind for far, middle, and near – some people use that for the computer.

      My normal vision is so bad, I need my regular prescription to see the computer screen. So I just got the 2-way.

      It took a couple of days to get used to positioning my head, but smooth sailing ever since. Can’t believe I put it off.

    19. lilsheba*

      I wore distance glasses my whole life. I could read fine with them on too, although I did get computer glasses about 20 years ago to make life looking at a screen all day easier. Then a few years back I needed bi focals. I hated them at first but I’ve forced myself to wear them and I’ve gotten used to them (only one eye is nearsighted so technically I can get along without them although not great). So now I have both pairs, the last set I got I got the same exact frame for both, but I can easily tell them apart, and I just switch them out as needed. I also started using a neck strap for them both, so I feel like an old lady now.

    20. Merci Dee*

      Been dealing with an astigmatism and the resulting nearsightedness and glasses since second grade. I noticed last year that I’d have to take my glasses off to do close-up things like painting my nails, etc., and talked to my eye doctor about it this year when I went for my annual exam. He said that bifocals weren’t a must-have for me yet, but that they could offer some I’ll improvement, so I got progressives….. and I’m not really impressed with them. Because of the multiple focus points on the lenses, I had to get frames that were wider than I preferred (I’d been getting slender rectangular frames to help balance out my round face and cheeks for years), and the lenses are thicker and heavier than my old glasses due to the extra magnification on the bottom portion. Those things are small potatoes, but I still find myself taking off my glasses for a better view of close-up work … do why did I spend almost double on these stupid things in the first place? I’m going to talk to the doc about going back to single vision lenses at my next appointment in January, and just keep going like I had been before, but without the extra divots the heavier glasses are digging into my nose.

      My old glasses, and my current ones too, have always been fine for computer work, hand writing, etc. It’s just the very close work between 6 to 8 inches away from my face that was ever the problem.

    21. Forrest Gumption*

      I have lined bifocals, because I could not tolerate the progressives. You really have to experiment to see what works for you. I also have a pair of computer glasses as well that I only use when I’m sitting at the computer. Like the other commentor said, yes it’s sometimes a pain to take glasses on and off but it’s better than trifocals, which would be a nightmare for me. Also lined bifocals work best if they are aligned so that the line is not right in the middle of your field of vision. It should ideally be a little bit low on your eye so that it doesn’t interfere with your distance vision.

    22. Life is Good*

      I tried progressives for work. I mostly look at stuff about a foot away and my monitors, which are arm’s length away. The “seeing area” on progressives is just too small for the close up work and I don’t like how you have to move your head back and forth to read. I tried tri-focals for work, to get three larger areas for seeing, but the mid-range was just too skinny to see the computer monitor easily. My solution is to have a pair of lined bifocals that stay on my desk. My progressives stay in my purse until I need them for the regular world. Good luck in your search for the solution.

    2. Chaordic One*

      I’ve always thought that the “Left Behind” books and movies were ripe for parody. I imagine an SNL type of skit where all of the uptight, judgemental, holier-than-thou kind of people disappear and…

      for those who are left behind, the world is a happier and better place without them.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        What if the opposite happened: all the good people disappeared and all the unhappy people were left on Earth? That would be an interesting plotline! (And it sounds more logical to me for some reason)
        I hope some fiction writer explores this idea.

        2. Chaordic One*

          Well, that’s pretty much what happened in the original “Left Behind” books and movies. Authors Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins have you covered.

    4. tessajanuary*

      I haven’t read the book yet (on my very long to read list), but the HBO show is fantastic. Specifically the second and third seasons.

    5. Anonymous scribe*

      “Have the Rapture already, and let the rest of us start working towards the Federation.”
      –The gospel according to St. Margie

  10. Lena Clare*

    BEST and WORST this week, and plans for this wkend?

    WORST: So, ugh, my boiler broke! I’ve been without heating or hot water since last Sunday. I’m having a new one fitted on Tuesday – so, not long to go now! – and I’m keeping warm with an electric heater, a hot water bottle, and blankets, and I’m showering at the gym.

    My house is so cold though! It’s amazing how much residual heat it retains just from the heating being on for a couple of hours a day! Now it’s been off for a week…oof, it’s like an ice box.

    BEST: I have an interview on Monday.

    I’m just off to the gym for a shower and then to so some chores. Not very exciting!
    Hope everyone stays warm and safe!

    1. CoffeeforLife*

      Worst and Best: My latest foster doggo was adopted this week. It hurt more than I though it would but I know I can do it all over again.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Congrats! Court is on Monday for me. Not looking forward to it. Gathering all my documents this weekend to make sure I’m prepared. I was hoping they’d be out, but no luck. Hopefully we get a stipulated judgment and the move-out date is very soon. Once they’re out, the house goes back up for sale again.

          The relocation agency wouldn’t allow my in-laws to wait for the eviction to be done so they had to take a tiny apartment in a bad section of the city until their house is rehabbed from the fire damage. At least they’ll be there only six months or so, assuming it gets done on schedule. (Considering it was 100% gutted down to the studs because the damage was so bad, it seems like six months isn’t enough time.) So we’re back to the original plan of selling. Can’t wait to dump that house and never have to think about it again.

          1. CoffeeforLife*

            Sending you strength! I’m so glad we didn’t have to go to court for the eviction-they are full for several months out here and the wait would have been awful (and expensive).

            Six months does seem like a really short turn around for a full rebuild! During winter. I hope you are able to sell the rental for a profit!

            1. The Other Dawn*

              Thanks. The house being rehabbed is my in-law’s house, not the rental. The rental is our old house. We should have sold rather than renting it out when we moved. We’ll most certainly take a big loss, but I don’t care a this point–I just want it gone.

              1. CoffeeforLife*

                Sorry, two separate thoughts mushed in a paragraph and not clear :/ ! Best of luck on the sale.

          2. Observer*

            Actually, with a gut, 6 months is not so outrageous, as long as the contractors have their act together and you don’t have weather problems.

              1. The Other Dawn*

                Most definitely. We’re supposed to get hit hard this year. My in-laws are on the shoreline, though, so it trends milder. Hopefully the weather cooperates so they can get back into their home. I can’t imagine having already lived a few months in a hotel, and now a tiny apartment in a bad area of town.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Background: My goal for November was to write two 25 page papers and crochet 136 hexagons (blanket patches) by the 27th, because I’m leaving the morning of the 28th for vacation. (December goals, when I get back, will be one more similarly sized paper and finishing the hexagon blanket by sewing the hexagons together and crocheting a border, all before Christmas.)

      Best: I finished the last of the hexagons last night! All done!
      Worst: …. I still have 9 pages of one paper and 12 of the other to do, and now I can’t procrastinate them anymore by working on hexagons. :-P

    3. Sled dog mama*

      Worst #1: I was fired Monday for a completely bogus reason, lawyer I consulted agrees. Company has a scorched earth policy so I can’t talk to anyone I used to work with even to say goodbye. I do understand the HR escort out of the building, I had access that I could have seriously f-ed up things in the computer system if I wanted.
      Worst # 2: (actually happened last week) I found lumps on my dog’s belly, her cancer appears to be back. We knew this was coming because the type was super aggressive and known to recur even after chemo. Median survival for this type is 9-12 months (depends on which study you consult), and we’re at 16 months since diagnosis.

      Best: I got a call for an on the spot phone interview 5 hours after being fired and am interviewing with the company next week.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        So sorry about your job and feel even worse about your dog. The timing here sucks.

        Fingers crossed that your interview goes well. You will have to let us know.

        2. NoLongerYoung*

          Sending good interview karma for you and a wood from the doggone here fir you furbaby. So very hard….

    4. Jdc*

      Best: finally got a new AWD car on Thursday night. Got a great deal and met a great salesman. I was looking at another but was being treated like since I’m a woman i can’t possibly comprehend cars. Ugh. I worked in the industry for 15 years. I only paid $400 over my lowball I gave him. This salesman actually respected me. It’s so pretty and now I can feel safe in the snow not having a RWD which was fine in CA but obviously not so much in IL.

      I guess I have two bests because on Friday I went to a therapist. My husband took me because I was pretty much against it, I even almost walked out while waiting. I’m so glad I did though. It was just a get to know you but I really liked her. I don’t really have anything in depth to discuss that i could think of my doctor wanted it to help with my anxiety so I’ll give it a shot. Anything to help with the anxiety. Also how awesome is my husband to do things like take a couple hours off work to go with me so I feel more comfortable. He’s a great partner. Very grateful.

      Worst: I found out my ex got married (boyfriend of 15 years). I have zero desire to be with him, very happy but it was a slap to the face because he couldn’t commit to me for 15 years and married someone after a year. Not a totally rational feeling but it sure hurt my ego and made me feel even dumber for wasting so much time on that relationship. I have all social media of his and mutual friends so I don’t see it but one friend slipped through. He looked very handsome though and her dress was amazing. Truly gorgeous. I’d have married her in that dress! I love love long sleeve wedding dresses. I wish they weren’t so hard to find back in the day i was shopping.

    5. Parenthetically*

      Best: I got a medium good night of sleep last night, which is a minor miracle considering that I am Very Pregnant.

      Worst: everything else related to pregnancy, plus this damned sinus headache.

      1. Observer*

        Sinus headaches are the pits.

        Try steaming yourself with thyme. It’s safe in pregnancy and can be very effective.

        1. PhyllisB*

          I had a horrendous headache last week and decided to try peppermint oil (had peppermint extract, figured it would work the same) instead of Tylenol. Worked like a charm. Caution: Be careful about getting it too close to your eyes because it will burn (ask me how I know!!) The second time was this week and I was more careful and it worked again. I put some between my eyebrows, on my temples and a tiny bit over my under my nose. Where I made my mistake the first time was putting it under my eyes. (I didn’t think it was too close, but obviously it was.) Headache was gone in less than 30 minutes both times.

    6. Dr. KMnO4*

      Worst: It has been a long week. The weather turned bad on my hour-long drive home from work on Monday. I just had a lot going on at work and at home, where I had to pick up a good deal of household tasks that usually are taken care of by my husband. That is because yesterday…

      BEST: MY HUSBAND SUCCESSFULLY DEFENDED HIS DISSERTATION AND FINALLY HAS HIS PHD!!!!!!!!! Before he gave his talk, his advisor made some remarks, and brought up something interesting. My husband defended 7 years to the day after his advisor accepted him into the lab. It’s been a long journey, but he made it in the end. His committee was very impressed with his work and talk and were very complimentary. I’m extremely proud of him.

    7. Fulana del Tal*

      Best- I have an interview on Thursday and working an extra day this week.

      Worst- I have a sore throat hopefully nothing more serious

    8. Jaid*

      Best: I finally glued the pierced ear findings on a pair of earrings that were originally clip on. I don’t know how I ended up with the clip on ones, but it was something I got at a craft fair and I haven’t seen the artist since. But now I can wear them!

      Worst: I had a cold. At least I’m finally at the tail end of it. The only reason why I even went to work yesterday is because I couldn’t sleep and I would have had to pay to go to Urgent Care for a doctor’s note after the third day out. But I wore a face mask and left early.

    9. Sometimes Always Never*

      Best: my volunteer coordinator who has been dealing with a serious medical issue is feeling and looking well and her future looks good!

      Worst: my volunteer coordinator’s boss called me to tell me they were discontinuing the program which serves homebound elderly who are also less financially secure. I had never spoken to the boss before, and I think the point of her call, at least in part, was to let me know that while I can continue my weekly visits with the senior I was matched with, the visits will no longer be under the auspices of the program. Whatever. I am more concerned for the other seniors who utilized the program.

      (If this shouldn’t be in the weekend free-for-all, please remove.)

    10. Anony Mouse*

      Best: We’re adopting a cat this spring!!!!! (One well-suited to our allergy/autoimmune needs)

      Worst: Got 2.5 tubes of blood drawn today for ankylosing spondylitis autoimmune tests. Exercising self-care since it left me tired/shaky (I weigh less than 115 lbs so it feels like a lot of blood lost). Binge watching Disney movies and reading mystery novels.

      1. Anono-me*

        Congratulations on the kitty.

        For other cat deprived people- check BBC news – there is an article on a new treatment for cat allergies that sounds like a very big deal.

    11. Jules the 3rd*

      Worst this week: 3:15pm, kid calls and says he’s missed the bus and is still at school, right as the HVAC guy arrives to talk to Mr. Jules about the non-working heat and I’m in the middle of a time-sensitive email. Temp is about 45 but dropping, school is 15ish minutes away.

      Best this week: Just finished Untitled Goose Game cutouts for the kid’s birthday party tomorrow, and they look great, kid is super excited about them. I may need to take one to work.

      Plans: groceries and birthday party.

    12. Merci Dee*

      Best: I booked a freakin’ cruise!!! Last week, there was a meeting at kiddo’s school because the history teacher was planning a trip for any of the school kids that wanted to go – Peru in May 2021. The price? $4700. Yikes. And if I wanted to go
      it would be an extra $5200 just for me. So almost $10k for the two of us. I mean, the itinerary sounded awesome, and it would be a fun trip. But way too much. So I talked it over with kiddo, and suggested taking a cruise next summer instead. It’ll be a whole year sooner than the Peru trip, and only a fraction of the cost for both of us. She was more excited about the cruise idea than Peru. So I finally found a good trip, and paid the deposit today. So excited, but my crotchety old woman/accountant tendencies are crying at the amount of deposit I put on my credit card this morning.

      Worst: not really bad at all, but my dad’s having knee replacement surgery on December 2nd. So he’s scrambling around trying to get pre-op stuff done, and the knee is really killing him. He’s a stubborn old dude who will let someone else mow and care for his yard over his dead body. And he’s already said that he knows there will be pain from the surgery and the therapy, but it won’t be anything like what he’s been dealing with lately. So he’s highly motivated to get up and moving and to keep up with his therapy. I just hate that he’s been kn pain and is facing this surgery. But I know it’ll be such a relief for everyone when it’s done. Prayers and well wishes appreciated!

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        If it’s any comfort to your dad, my 91-year-old mom had knee replacement surgery a month ago. Like your dad, she is very independent. While the first couple weeks were unpleasant–that’s true pretty much for everyone, including me who had the procedure about 10 years ago–she’s doing great now, including walking around on her own unassisted. It’s all about the physical therapy and managing pain so you can do the exercises, and after about three days, my mom ditched the prescription pain meds and has been fine with acetaminophen and ice ever since. Wishing your dad a successful journey!

        1. Merci Dee*

          Thanks, lady! Everyone he knows who’s had the surgery tells him that the only thing they’d change was just having it sooner than they did because they felt so much better after.

          He’s going to have lots of support and love to help him get through it. And he’s a stubborn old coot (per my daughter), so he won’t let a little pain stand in his way. The real challenge will be to keep him from over extending himself in his push to recover.

    13. Me*

      BEST: Living with the parental unit has not been as bad as I anticipated, although I want to find a job very soon and have my own space again.

      WORST: Somehow, probably from stress, I ended up with not one but two infections in sensitive regions and have to take two giant horse pills twice a day for a fecking week. No wonder I was so insanely exhausted after moving, which I thought was very weird because I didn’t even do any of the physical work. Also, one of these medicines is making my mouth taste like I licked the underside of a truck. >_<

      1. Merci Dee*

        Ewwww!! A couple of months ago I had a sinus infection and had to take cefdinir, and that was just the worst tasting thing I’ve ever had to swallow. It was foul. I’d get a mouthful of liquid, tilt my head back and drop the pill in so that maybe it wouldn’t touch my tongue on the way down. I’d still have to chase it down with several bites of something…. anything… to get rid of the taste.

        On the positive side, Remus lives! Heh heh – the antibiotic is made by a company named Lupin. :)

      2. Lena Clare*

        My sympathies :/
        Try holding your nose when you take the medicine and follow it with a sip of orange juice (still holding your nose), that should take the taste away!

        1. Me*

          Unfortunately the taste is in my mouth 24/7 because the medicine is in my system–it’s not confined to the pill itself. I don’t notice it when I eat anything, but as soon as I’m done, I can taste it again. I’m stuck with it until I’m finished! :P

    14. Lexicat*

      Best: QSO livestream performance, excellent music and got to spend time with my Mum.

      Worst: twisted my ankle walking back to the car, fell heavily, and now need to get an x-ray tomorrow. Extra complication: I own 40 pairs of shoes, and the only ones close to flat have an ankle strap.

    15. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Worst: every time we think we’ve defeated the clothes moths we find more. Latest loss was a 25yo wool cloak my mother in law made my then-boyfriend for re-enactment. It’s now in the deep freezer, but I think it’s a goner. I’m dreading daylight because I have to dig into that closet and find out what else is in there.
      Best: after umpteen years, I finally can cast on my own knitting project. (Third person who showed me the crochet hook version, I got it.)

      1. Lena Clare*

        Oh no! Can you try some wooden balls infused with camphor oil in the drawers and wardrobes to keep them away?
        Also burning citronella candles in the windows seems to keep insects away in general. I hope the wool cloak is salvageable.

    16. BummedOut*

      Worst: I had to put my cat to sleep this week. I knew it was coming, she was progressively getting worse over the past couple of weeks, but it was still so very hard to do.

      Best: hard to come up with much, but I did feel like getting my sink unclogged with a plunger was a personal victory. The guy in the shop seemed convinced I would have to call a plumber.

    17. LizB*

      WORST: I am in packing-to-move hell. It’s been four+ years since I did this and I forgot how much I hate it. But…

      BEST: We are closing on our house in less than a week and then I won’t have to move again for a LONG time! And also will have a really wonderful little house!

    18. Chronic Overthinker*

      Worst: Had a dentist visit after a loooooooong hiatus and found out that all but seven teeth can’t be saved. I’m going to be wearing dentures. I’m too young for dentures. Also, it’s going to be ridiculously expensive and I don’t have dental insurance, and even if I did, it won’t cover all my procedures.

      Best: I finally got my husband to come grocery shopping with me and we actually had a decent “date night” this weekend.

  11. Cheluzal*

    Do I need a gift for a vow renewal ceremony?

    I just took a gift last weekend to the “bride’s” shower (lingerie female only affair).
    Do I need another gift??

    2. Richard Hershberger*

      They had a shower for a renewal of vows?!?

      I don’t get the concept of a renewal of vows. Did the first set have an expiration date? Do they gradually lose efficacy, so they need to be occasionally pumped up, like a tetanus booster shot? My twentieth anniversary is coming up soonish. My tween daughters want us to have a renewal of vows ceremony. My wife is open to the idea. My response is that if my original vows are due to expire, I want to know the precise date, so I can go have wild sex with other women before I get that booster shot.

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        Anecdotally, everyone I know who has done a vow renewal divorced soon afterwards. I view it as a Hail Mary in the matrimony playbook.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I think people do this when they know their marriage is in trouble and they think it will save the marriage.

          My best friend and her husband renewed their vows on their 20th anniversary. She told me that she’d always said, “If we can make it to 20 years, we’re renewing our vows.” I guess she expected that would be some feat, and it was considering all the problems they had. They’ve been divorced for two years now.

          A Facebook friend–someone I went to elementary school with–renewed her vows on her 10th anniversary. They spent a *ton* of money, took the whole family to Italy, had a big write-up in the paper…and I just saw a post last week that they divorced a year later.

          On the flip side, we surprised our parents on their 50th with a vow renewal in my sister’s backyard. We had their original flower girl for the ceremony and a JP to officiate. They were so surprised. It was a great day. They’ve since passed, but they would have been married 65 years this year. Obviously they didn’t need to renew their vows and had no idea we were doing that for them. I just think this is an example of when people might want to do it–50 years is a long time!

          1. curly sue*

            My in-laws did a short and sweet vow renewal at their 50th anniversary party. Their marriage has been very stable and they’re still devoted to each other, so in their case at least it was a ‘look how we’ve made it, look how far we’ve come’ kind of affirmation.

            I’ve joked with Curly Bob about doing a Vegas wedding ‘renewal’ at 25 or 30 years for ourselves (we just passed 20 together / 16 married in August). Our wedding was a very high-stress family-driven mess — though it all worked out alright in the end, there were too many parental and grand-parental temper tantrums that put a damper on a lot of things. It would be fun to just elope (like we’d originally talked about doing) purely for the fun of it — get some Cirque tickets, see some magic shows, get vows renewed by a Captain Kirk impersonator. Because at that point, why not?

              1. Richard Hershberger*

                If my family presses the idea of our renewing our vows, I might make this a condition. I, however, am more old school. Rather than Klingon, I would insist on Quenya.

                2. curly sue*

                  Curly Bob would 100% go for this. Our cake toppers for our wedding were minis he painted of Eowyn and Faramir.

          2. Anon Here*

            Re: the stories about friends

            The longer I live and the more people I meet, the more I DON’T want to get married. It’s great that it works well for some people. But all the other stories are enough to scare me away. I think I’ll stick to non-married relationships and save the piece of paper for when/if it becomes a logistical necessity. Yikes.

        2. Pony tailed wonder*

          My parents are in their 80’s and have periodically renewed their vows. They never invite anyone to them. Their marriage was strong until my father started slipping into dementia. My mom is at her wits end dealing with it.

      2. Jdc*

        I think there are two reasons: our marriage has sucked and we are getting back on track or they just want to celebrate their love. My friend didn’t get an actual wedding, just courthouse, so at the ten year mark finally got a proper wedding which was basically a vow renewal.

      3. Parenthetically*

        Anecdotally, the few people I know who’ve done them did so after getting through a particularly difficult period, as a way to celebrate and turn the page. But yeah, it says right in the vows “as long as we both shall live” so I don’t reckon you need a booster.

        (Ooh, I know one couple who does a vow renewal every year on their anniversary.)

        1. curly sue*

          It doesn’t say that in every set of vows – that’s a Christian ceremony. (not that other religions don’t have the concept of being married for life, but weddings and vow wordings are different everywhere.)

      4. Overeducated*

        The only vow renewal I’ve been to was for a couple who’d been married in Soviet Russia and wanted a church wedding so they could stop “living in sin” (30 years and 2 kids later). It was small and very sweet.

      5. Anon Here*

        That’s hilarious.

        But, to be more serious, you should consider doing it for your daughters. Not as a marriage thing but as a parent / family thing. It’s nice that they want to celebrate their parents’ marriage. Or you could just throw an anniversary party and accept gifts from them.

      6. Traffic_Spiral*

        “I want to know the precise date, so I can go have wild sex with other women.”

        In fairness, your wife finding out that you did just that, but she doesn’t want to divorce you (for some reason) is the leading cause of vow renewal ceremonies. Seriously, the demographic is 10% “let’s have basically a fancy anniversary party,” and 90% “ok, so someone (or both) cheated but we’re gonna try and work through this.”

      8. The Other Dawn*

        “My response is that if my original vows are due to expire, I want to know the precise date, so I can go have wild sex with other women before I get that booster shot.”

        Hahaha! Sounds exactly like something my dad would have said to my mom, my FIL to my MIL, and my husband to me. Guess we all have the same sense of humor!

    3. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

      Heck no. The shower was enough of a gift grab.
      Richard Hershberger, I like your style.

    4. Cheluzal*

      Apparently they got married at the justice of the peace when they were young so they never really had conventional gifts, but it still makes me uncomfortable.

      I also agree about them not expiring. I eloped and now I’m joking that I can do it all again and have people bring gifts and want to know the earliest expiration date LOL!

    5. Jdc*

      No but I’d give a nice card, at most maybe a gift certificate for dinner for the two somewhere moderate.

    6. Asenath*

      I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a shower for a renewal of vows. The renewal of vows isn’t all that common in my neck of the woods, but I think they’re basically a party (plus the ceremony) and you wouldn’t bring a gift unless it is the custom in your area to bring a hostess gift like a bottle of wine to any party.

    8. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      No, you don’t need a gift, and not just because Miss Manners says that gifts are always optional.

      The one couple I know who had a vow renewal when their marriage wasn’t in trouble not only didn’t ask for gifts, they didn’t announce the renewal ahead of time. They were having a party for other reasons, and partway through asked for everyone’s attention, and repeated their vows, and the readings that had been part of the wedding ceremony. I knew about the vow renewal in advance because I had read at the actual wedding, and they wanted me to do the reading again, which meant they needed to know whether I would be there.

      Not announcing it in advance meant nobody was thinking in terms of gifts; my friends realized that renewing the vows might be a big deal for them, but it wouldn’t be for other people.

      I’m not sure why they wanted to repeat their vows publicly around their tenth wedding anniversary.

    9. HannahS*

      No. Admittedly, I’m not from a culture where weddings involve vows at all, so I could be misreading it, but I see a vow renewal as a variation of an anniversary party. So, in that vein, I think if someone’s hosting you at a party in their home, it’s appropriate to bring a small gift, and a really good idea to bring a card regardless.

      One of my family’s handy traditions for the couples in our family who host frequently but don’t need/want us to buy them stuff, is to make a charitable donation in their honour to a cause that would be important to them. Reforestation’s a big one in my family, as are foundations that research illnesses that relatives have died from. So that’s an option, too.

      1. Cheluzal*

        It was an email Evite but it’s a formal dress affair at a facility by the river. Lots of mixed signals and I’m confused LOL.

        No mention of gifts, which was mentioned on the bridal shower party and is not too unusual in our circle. There is a reception but a gift should not be an admission fee, right?

          1. Wishing You Well*

            One could mail a card, but don’t take a card to the renewal event. You might get a call asking if the cash or check fell out of it. Could get awkward.
            I like the charity donation suggestion.

            1. Blue Eagle*

              I dislike the charity donation idea. Particularly when people donate to a charity that they support and not one I support. Giving a charity donation is NOT a gift (unless it is an established tradition like in HannahS’s family).

    10. Drago Cucina*

      My go to for weddings is a bottle of sparkling wine for now and a nice bottle of red to drink in two years. Usually also a gift certificate, but I think the wine alone would be fine and doesn’t have to cost much. A bottle of Prosecco and a Rioja.

      Not crazy about vow renewals. Confession, when we hit our 10 year anniversary we had a Mass of celebration and casual party afterwards with family and friends. We specified no gifts. We had been married in Europe while in the Army, so no family were there. It’s been 35+ years so far.

    11. Environmental Compliance*

      The only time I would bring a gift would be for a situation like my SIL, who got married rather quickly (surprise baby needed health insurance) and with no big wedding, and then a year later had the big ‘proper’ wedding to celebrate with family & friends. Honestly I think a lot of family didn’t even realize they had already been legally married. There was no shower or gifts the first time around, so it didn’t feel grabby. They actually didn’t have a shower for that either, and put around that they didn’t need or want gifts, and I think about 2/3 of everyone listened.

      I don’t think I’ve ever heard of someone doing a shower for a vow renewal, though. That seems really weird to me. (And also, a lingerie shower. Those just make me uncomfortable to begin with, tbh.)

  12. Arya Parya*

    So I ‘m not going to the yearly family reunion of my in-laws today. I’m staying home. My SO and our 1,5 year old daughter are driving there now and I feel guilty for staying home.

    This summer I found out I’m on the autistic spectrum and this event just triggered me. My brother in law is organizing it and he is the most chaotic person I know. So the date got picked fairly late and we only found out the location a week ago. The program is still a secret.

    Under normal circumstances I would be able to deal with this, but this is all colliding with some other stuff. It’s the busy period at my job, so there’s added stress there. Also this morning my SO had a mandatory thing to do, which means we (or now he) couldn’t take off at a more convenient time. They are now driving right through lunch time to get there, so the kid is probably a bit cranky.

    I’ve tried to get more information about the event in the past few months, but wasn’t given any. None of my other in-laws knew anything either and my BIL probably hadn’t organized anything yet. I tried to let my SO know I didn’t like any of this, but there was not much he could do about it either.

    About 1,5 weeks ago I let him know I didn’t want to go anymore and he said that was okay. But once we finally got some information he RSVP’ed on my behalf, figuring I would be okay now we had a bit more concrete program for the day. Unfortunately I didn’t realise this bothered me until last night when I just broke down. All the stress just got to me. I just didn’t feel like me having to take care we had everything ready to go, then rushing to get the kid in the car, driving with a cranky kid and then having to spend a day with about 40 people, trying to be cheerful. So I cancelled last night.

    And now I’m home alone and on the one hand it’s nice to have an afternoon to myself. On the other hand I feel guilty for cancelling so late and not being there. My in-laws are nice people and rationally I know everything will go fine. But I just can’t deal with so much uncertainty and things that might go wrong.

    Sorry, long story. Just looking for some understanding and hopefully to feel less guiltly about his.

    1. Christy*

      I’m not on the autism spectrum but I do have clinical anxiety and I gotta tell you, I am so relieved for you that you aren’t going! I know that feeling of “one more thing will absolutely break me” and then finally pulling out and then feeling bad about your choice but still feeling relieved.

      So like, my first point is that I think you absolutely made the right choice in not going. My second point is that in-laws miss family stuff like this all the time. Sometimes they blame work, sometimes they really do have a conflict, but a lot of the time they just don’t need as much time with their in-laws as their SO does. No shame or harm in that! And my third point is, sometimes you just have to totally tap out. And it sounds like your SO understands that! And that’s really good. It should be the default for a relationship but it isn’t always and I’m glad for you that your SO has been good to you in this situation.

      I hope you can enjoy the afternoon to yourself!

      1. Arya Parya*

        Thanks! My SO has been great about everything, I’m really lucky to have him.

        Now having a quiet afternoon, hanging out with the cats.

        1. valentine*

          You have every right to cancel whenever and I think it’s better not to go when you know you’ll be miserable. Let SO be the liaison with his side of the family. That’s going to reduce your stress a ton. See what that frees you up to do.

          For events where you need to leave at a decent time (on both ends), create a backup so you can go separately. Maybe you would’ve taken the kid, making a nap possible (for both of you?). Maybe you could have a hotel room nearby and only go to the gathering for about 30 minutes. Long enough to say hello, not long enough to get antsy because your escape is imminent? Or maybe SO could go alone unless there is quiet space for the kid or they’re not going to be there long enough for the throng to bother them.

    2. Agnodike*

      I skip in-law events all the time. I find the way they all interact with each other really stressful, and they’re pretty much indifferent to me and have been for the last 15 years, so why go? I put in an appearance maybe once or twice a year to prevent active conflict because most of them are perfectly fine people, and the rest of the time spouse and kid go without me. It’s no big deal. Enjoy a relaxing day/weekend so you’ll be refreshed and ready to have a great time with your family when they get back!

    3. Richard Hershberger*

      I pass on some in-law events. My introversion kicks in, and sometimes I can’t face being “on” for that long. It is fine. The family-by-marriage contingent generally aren’t the critical element to these things, particularly once your kids are old enough to not require constant care. Enjoy a quiet afternoon alone.

    4. only acting normal*

      “The program is still a secret.”
      That there is enough for me to nope the hell out. Especially since it’s in-laws.
      I’m also autistic and I need dates, times, places, and an rough idea of activities, in order to avoid panic. That’s not actually a huge ask: I’m not talking a minute by minute itinerary, just a normal level of invitation detail that’s courteous to all, not a special accommodation.
      (And FFS family, if BIL is very disorganised why is *he* tasked with organising the reunion?!)

      1. Arya Parya*

        Yeah, I need specifics too. My BIL just doesn’t get that. They rotate the organisation and it was his turn, so that’s why he was tasked. The good news is that it won’t be his turn for the next decade or so.

      2. Richard Hershberger*

        I balk at the idea of a family reunion having a “program.” at all. What does that mean? It might merely be an overwrought way of describing dinner plans, but it bodes ill, like there will be laser tag followed by a mandatory-participation amateur musical.

    5. CathB*

      I‘m in awe. You stood up for yourself and took care of your own needs. That is more than ok!
      You are going through a stressful phase, the family event sounds like something your partner can handle by themselves. You are staying home to conserve your strength for when your family (or yourself) really need you. Nothing wrong with that, in fact I think it is very sensible and takes courage.

    6. Jules the 3rd*

      Do whatcha gotta do. I haven’t seen my in-laws in two or three years. They’re perfectly nice people, but at Christmas, when I might have enough time off work to reach their place, they had a voluntary renovation and then an involuntary major plumbing repair, so I just send their son and grandson for a three-day trip on some school holiday in Jan / Feb. I stay home with the dog, everyone’s happy.

      And at a large family gathering, it’s unlikely that your ‘don’t feel up to it’ will be taken badly, and if it is, well, that’s their problem. I hope the kid gets a decent fast food meal in the car, and they have a good time, and you have a good time.

    7. SigneL*

      I wouldn’t go either – I have a very low tolerance for disorganization at the best of times. Enjoy your afternoon!

    8. Washi*

      I’ve never been to my in-laws’ family reunion. My husband is fine going without me, we live 15 minutes from his immediate family and see them fairly regularly, and I hate being in large groups so I just…don’t go. This gets me some occasional snark from his grandma, but my husband and I are on the same page about what’s reasonable for me, and that’s what we do.

    9. Queer Earthling*

      I’m also on the spectrum and this would be Very Stressful for me as well. It might help to remember that people skip out on family events all the time for a thousand reasons. If you had come down with a cold and had to cancel at the last minute because of that, things would progress exactly the same at the reunion.

      Enjoy your afternoon to yourself. :)

    10. A Simple Narwhal*

      If I’m understanding this correctly, your SO assumed you’d be down to go once you had more info and RSVPd without checking with you? If that’s the case then you definitely have zero reason to feel bad for canceling, because you aren’t actually cancelling – you never said you’d go, SO jumped the gun, that’s on him.

      And even if you did actually agree to go and changed your mind, that’s still perfectly acceptable too. Not feeling well (whether it be mentally or physically) is always a good and valid reason to not go to something.

      Don’t beat yourself up, enjoy your day with some well-deserved self care. <3

    11. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      I skip in-law things too, and nobody seems to think anything of it.

      Also, you aren’t “cancelling so late,” you’re sticking to your original “no thank you”–your SO RSVP’ing “yes” on your behalf *after you had told him you didn’t want to go* is his faux pas, and he gets to make the apologies. Yes, he gets to say “Arya Parya isn’t feeling well” rather than “Arya Parya told me weeks ago that she wouldn’t be able to make it, and I shouldn’t have told you she’d be coming with me without making sure of it with her first.”

    12. The Messy Headed Momma*

      If you had come down with the flu, you wouldn’t be going & you wouldn’t feel guilty. So, you came down with the anxiety flu…good for you for taking care of yourself!! Don’t feel guilty!!

    13. lasslisa*

      Absolutely no reason you would desperately need to go to this. There’s going to be another just next year, sounds like!

      For my own edification… How much of a “program” is there generally at these reunions? At my family reunions it’s basically TV, beer, and cards with a couple of smaller outings that are arranged on the spur of the moment a la “I need to get out of this house, who wants to go for a walk?” So I’m wondering if there’s anything there that would be a problem, since we’ve got several relatives on the spectrum and I want to be considerate.

      1. Arya Parya*

        There’s usually two activities, mostly we are informed of what they are. This year there was painting (portraits not walls). I haven’t heard what the second activity was yet, but we had to sent in an old picture of ourselves that wasn’t too recognisable.

        Your gathering sounds fine. I would be totally okay with it.

        1. MatKnifeNinja*

          Have your husband loop them in that you DON’T mind coming to things if you have a sufficient heads up, if that is how you feel.

          My cousin was diagnosed at age 50. He needs a huge heads up for family gatherings. If he gets the heads up, he does want to go. Autism does not =hating humanity.

          Well, he had a couple rough holidays, after his family found out about his diagnosis. Now the default is not to invite him. The rough holidays were because his family does everything at the last minute, and it’s chaotic mess. But if my cousin gets a semi heads up, he really does want to go.

          This Thanksgiving he received no invite AGAIN from his family. My cousin will eat with me, and my rag tag group of friends. His family feels that all they are doing is making him miserable, so why ask. My cousin just wants information any normal human being would get for an invited. He wants to see his brothers and their family.

          TL;DR is don’t let your diagnosis give them an excuse to freeze you out, unless you don’t care if you ever get an invite again. The “Oh we can’t wait to see SO and the kids” with no mention of you type nonsense.

          1. Arya Parya*

            My in-laws were very understanding, luckily. My MIL texted me this morning to let me know it was okay I skipped the reunion. They really are very nice people, only a bit more extraverted and chaotic than my own family.

    14. Not So NewReader*

      I feel relieved for you also. I’m pretty much an introvert, so these things feel like “show time!” and get tiring fast.

    15. Dan*

      Oof. I’ve never been diagnosed as on the spectrum, but this would drive me bat sh!t crazy.

      This also reminds me of my ex-inlaws, who can’t plan *anything* to save their lives. One issue between my ex and me is she couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be “flexible” and “go with the flow”. What I tried doing was splitting the difference so to speak — I’d go along with things one week, and pass on them the next. But nope. She’d lay it on thick every time. I told her I didn’t care what *she* did, but because I worked full time and am a bit of an introvert, I really need to chill out some weekends.

      I think my ATF was when my ex-BIL decided to marry his baby mamma, with whom he had an on-again, off-again relationship. My ex and I had planned a month long trip overseas in the fall that year, and had booked plane tickets and what not very early. When he said he was getting married, I told my ex to make sure to tell him when we’d be out of the country. Ok, no sweat, they planned the wedding for the spring. After the plans were shared, they later indicated they might change their mind and move it to the fall. I told my ex that if he moves it to the time period where we were out of the country, she can do what she wants, but I’m taking the trip we planned and would send my regrets about missing the wedding.

      Sure ’nuff, they did move the wedding to the period where we couldn’t make it. My ex did end up going on vacation with me.

      I don’t miss the ex-fam.

      1. Filosofickle*

        My SO’s family is extraordinarily anxiety-ridden and cannot plan anything. If you force them to make a plan or set a time, they will simply change it at the last minute. Everything is chaotic, no one knows what’s going on or when anyone will arrive, and no one takes the lead. Last year on Thanksgiving, all the food was finished and heated but for no apparent reason we all sat around for another 45 minutes until it was all stone cold and then we had to heat it again. No one knew why. And nothing happened because the matriarch is the most anxious of the bunch and no one can or will push her. I like plans and order and it stresses me the eff out!

        Happily, my SO supports me in not going very often. I choose to go when I can handle it, except holidays which I’m stuck with and they’re the worst.

    16. Salymander*

      My husband and I divide up the extended family into his and mine, and we each mostly deal with our own. That includes bad stuff (people being jerks) and “good” stuff (family reunions that are “secret” until the last minute wtf?). Husband and I take the view that dealing with the other partners family stuff is a completely optional favor and a kindness, and should be appreciated as such. We help each other out, especially with things like family traumas, but we don’t worry so much about parties organized at the last minute and in secret (!).

      LW, you sound like a very thoughtful, kind partner, and I bet that in situations where there is a real need for your presence you would be there. This is not one of those situations. Please enjoy having some time to yourself. That is totally fine, and will even help you to recharge your batteries for when partner and kid get back.

    17. Elizabeth West*

      It’s okay. You’re busy, you’re tired, and you just can’t even right now. It happens and sometimes you just need to NOT do stuff to be okay.

    18. Alexandra Lynch*

      I am also on the spectrum and my mother is not, and she is chaotic. I was actually very relieved this year to not to try to cook Thanksgiving dinner with her. I take it seriously with oven timing and lists of what dishes I need, and my mother is apt to say, morning of, “Oh, I just had an idea. What if we do this as well, and not that dish?” and I always get very irate, because changes to the menu were two weeks ago. Or she’ll decide to do something early and “get it out of the way” and thus screw up the oven schedule. And not understand why I’m upset! (And, of course, make me feel bad for being upset… cause she was just trying to help!)

    19. Maya Elena*

      If you need a way to reframe any guilt you may feel, also consider that it’s good for the kiddo to get one-on-one daddy time, and one-on-one daddy and his family time. If they like and respect you they will obviously never request your husband or yourself to see JUST him+kid and not you – but it might be a nice opportunity, especially if rare. I try to “butt out” for a bit every so often when my in-laws are visiting or we visit them, especially if they’re off to do something I don’t care for.

    20. LizB*

      You are so 100% justified and don’t need to feel guilty at all. I hope you had a really lovely afternoon to yourself.

    21. Thankful for AAM*

      I don’t go to the inlaws things, have not for years now, and I’m neurotypical (ive been tested, a la Sheldon’s quote). One of my sisters in law told me she does not go to her in law things anymore and kind of gave me permission to skip things with her family.

      Life is so much better this way!

    22. kt*

      I hope you had a fabulous afternoon without the chaos!

      The kindest thing my father did for me when we got married (besides a nice wedding gift) is say in his grumpy way, “I don’t want you driving around here and there trying to get time with all the families for holidays and events. Just pick what you’ll do and we’ll be fine.” And then he told me a story about going to pick up my mother stranded in a snowstorm in Wisconsin during a blizzard on some holiday because she was trying to do X and Y and Z to be with people and make it to multiple family things.

      It’s not 100% the same, but still, it was a nice thing to hear from him: pick what you want to do that won’t stress you out, and we’re happy to see you, and we’re happy to not see you if that’s better for you!

    23. Environmental Compliance*

      I have anxiety and this would absolutely blow it up. I *hate* not knowing what the plans are. I cannot function well with having absolutely no concrete anything and then let’s just play it by ear.

      My in laws tend to function like that, and Hubs and I had a very frank discussion early on of ‘no, I am not going to drop everything and tag along on their 4 hour drive to who knows where to do who knows what for who knows how long, why can’t we know about this more than 2 days in advance and with details about things like length of time or hotels or who’s driving??”

      We had a ‘family vacay’ with the inlaws a few years ago now that ended up being Drive to Place 6 Hours Away, and Let’s Stare At Each Other For 5 Days. I’m not asking for really exciting, boom boom boom do this do that do this type plans….but hell, we’ve traveled, let’s go out to eat? Walk on the beach that’s 5 minutes away? Literally anything but sit in this hotel room watching the toddler do toddler things, please.

    24. BetsCounts*

      I’m neurotypical and this sounds like a NIGHTMARE. Enjoy your weekend and please don’t feel bad about it! You’ll see everyone next year.

  13. Flying with cats*

    Anyone know of ways to help with cat’s anxiety, specifically when taking a plane? I will be flying with my two indoor kitties on a short 1.5h flight, but they will have to be in their carriers for quite some time for the whole trip. I’m wondering how to make it easier on them. Thanks!

    1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Are they normally anxious cats or are you an anxious owner for their adventure? :)

      Ours are pretty chill though one does tend to get a bit anxious on occasion. We flew them longhaul overseas and they had to be in the carrier for something like 14 hours due to drive time on both ends. What we did was:

      1) Got a carrier large enough that they could be in there together for comfort and stand up and turn around. Had to be one for medium sized dogs. We did acclimate them to the carrier by using it on long road trips (5 hrs) before we left, however.
      2) Stuffed in a tshirt I had worn for scent (but an older one that could be tossed if needed – uh, it was needed) A favorite blankie can work too
      3) Sprinkled in some cat nip and threw in two mice toys
      4) Laid down a special pee pad you can get for cat carriers,in case of accidents. It did look as though someone may have had a little bit of a leak, and that thing sucked it right up – no odor or wetness
      5) Taped a serving of their kibble in a ziploc to the top of the carrier in case of delay

      We did have to take them out in order for the carrier to go through the scanners, which we hadn’t counted on, so make sure you have a leash and collars if needed.

      Honestly, they just looked confused when they came out the other end and must have slept the whole way. The idea is to surround them with comforting things they know (toys, smells) for reassurance. They will likely be able to hold urine for some time, but the pee pads are definitely the way to go!

      1. Flying with cats*

        Thanks for all the tips and reassurance! One of them can get anxious in new situations, but I am probably going to be the most anxious out of the bunch :D Great point about comforting familiar smells! I am getting them used to the new carriers, and they are enjoying them so far (in-house.)
        I once stood in the security line next to a woman with a cat and offered help handling her stuff. She dropped her big fluffy cat in my arms :) So I’m aware I will have to take them out to pass through the scanner and will have leashes in case they get spooked.

        1. Jdc*

          When I flew with my dog i was far more anxious than he was. They tend to do pretty good. Per the vet I did basically Benadryl him pre flight. Frankly I should’ve Benadryl-Ed myself

        2. Jane of all Trades*

          Note that you do not have to go through the security line with them. You can request a private screening, which will take place in a separate room. If there is any chance that your cats might get sufficiently anxious to try and make a run for it when you take them out of the cage, I strongly recommend going with that option. I don’t think it would be easy to get them back again once they got lose. Good luck!

      2. TL -*

        If they’re going in cargo nothing but a pee pad and a soft blanket or t-shirt should be in the hard plastic carrier, which needs to be high enough for the animal to stand up with about an inch, inch and a half of clearance and large enough for them to comfortably turn around in. The carrier needs to be airplane-certified and water should be provided in a plastic hanging bin securely fastened to the inside of the carrier door (which will be metal.) The plane slopes dramatically during take-off/landing and may need to break hard, so nothing that can fly through the air, even soft toys.
        (I flew my cat internationally through a pet transport company and they were very clear on the safety guidelines.)

        If they’re in the cabin with you for a short haul, the rules are more relaxed, though my cat is too talkative for that option.
        If they’re going in the cargo area, figure out what the airplane company will do and who you should talk to if the plane gets stuck on the tarmac – in the USA, this is the dangerous part of flying for most animals.

        1. Flying with cats*

          I should’ve specified they will be in the cabin :) I’m good on the regulations side of things, just looking for ways to minimize their stress.

      3. TL -*

        Also I got her adjusted to the carrier by feeding all her meals in it for a little over a month.
        The carrier itself isn’t stressful for her – she’ll wander inside it occasionally – but she doesn’t like closed doors between her and me so I wouldn’t say she’s a fan of it either.

        1. Flying with cats*

          They’re good with the carriers inside the house, but being transported out is a whole different story. And also, of course no closed doors allowed :D

    2. Vet Student*

      Some cats respond really well to Feliway (pheromone) spray. You could try getting some of that and spraying the carrier/their blanket before putting them in it. I’m not sure how long it lasts but I doubt you’d be able to take the bottle on the plane unless it is less than 100 mL.

        1. Cat Herder*

          You can also get “feliway” collars with the pheromones on them. I can’t think of the real name, but they are the same as feliway. we had them on our cats to help with anxiety just in the house. Now one cat takes prozac.

            2. TL -*

              I put one on my cat and the first thing she did was get it stuck in her mouth (she doesn’t normally wear a collar and I thought I got it tight enough but apparently not.)
              It did not have the desired effect.

      2. BetsCounts*

        Yes, my vet puts a blanket sprayed with that over their carrier when they come in for their exams and it helps A LOT.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      You could check with your vet for kitty Prozac. You’d want to try it ahead of time to make sure there aren’t any unexpected reactions – I know one friend’s cat actually gets MORE worked up on the stuff, for example. But my dog gets anxious before certain situations and my vet issues me a prescription for her that’s an anxiety med that I only give her in those particular situations.

      1. Zooey*

        A friend recently brought her cat on a transatlantic flight due to a big move and was advised not to give any meds because they can have unexpected effects on heart rate.

        1. Flying with cats*

          I’m wary of giving them meds if not necessary. I’ll check with their vet – they know them pretty well and should be able to advise. Thanks!

    4. cat socks*

      Check with your vet about prescribing gabapentin. It’s a calming medication and is great for one off situations where kitty might be nervous. My vet used it when transporting her six cats on a cross country move. I’ve used it when I need to make a longer drive to the vet hospital for a couple of my cats who see specialists.

      2. WS*

        I used this for my cat who is so terrified of the vets that he will injure himself trying to escape if we’re not there with him. He had to stay there overnight, so he was dosed with gabapentin and was okay! We were nervous wrecks, but he was dopey and chill. Gabapentin reaches a peak around 24-36 hours after the first dose, so if you want to go this way talk to the vet well in advance.

        1. Flying with cats*

          We’ll have time to consult, but I should probably do it sooner rather than later. Thanks for the info!

    5. Queer Earthling*

      The time I had to fly with my cat, the best thing was the fact that the carrier had a little space that let me reach in and pet him, or just let him rub on my hand. He also wound up falling asleep partway through the flight.

      Good luck!

    6. Wandering*

      Best tip I’ve heard & not yet seen here comes from KittenLady Hannah Shaw: You can request a private screening room at the airport. She said there was no charge, & it meant that if a kit spooked & ran, she was in a small room so retrieving her wasn’t too hard.

      Do make sure your carriers are a good size for your cats & the airplane. Hope you can have them in the cabin with you.

      2. Flying with cats*

        Yes, they will be in the cabin, and I have the carriers figured out. I have no clue how they’d react to being taken out for security screening (plus there’s the putting them back in the carriers), so it would be neat have it done in a private room! Definitely going to ask – thanks for the tip!

    7. Salymander*

      Our cat had severe anxiety. We bought a Thundershirt for her. It wraps around the cat’s body, snug but not too tight. Does not restrict movement so cat can walk around and do all the normal cat things. Cat wore it for ages, and it really helped her to feel more comfortable and secure. Like swaddling does for a baby.

      1. Flying with cats*

        Or like a weighted blanket! It’s great there are such options, and I’m glad to hear it helped your cat :)

      2. TL -*

        Yeah my cat’s harness (which is pretty big) helped a lot during our big car trip. She’d fall asleep with it on but not when it was off.

  14. Foreign Octopus*

    It’s a been a week this week with my cat. I knew she had to have a tooth out (I was expecting two molars to be removed, max), and so I took her to the vet. He called me after the radiography exam to say that she had an infection in her jaw and needed them all removed so now I have a completely toothless cat. I’m actually surprised with how well she’s doing. She’s eating normally – mainly wet, but I gave her some dry food last night as the vet said it was okay, and she wolfed it down. I’m really hoping that without the bad teeth and once the infection goes, she’s going to put on weight as she’s very skinny.

    I’m hoping there’s a silver lining to her getting them all removed.

    1. Jellyfish*

      My cat got her teeth pulled maybe 18 months ago, and she’s been much happier since then. Put weight back on, her fur looks much better, she’s more playful.
      Good luck to you and your kitty!

    3. Sleepless*

      They do really, really well after full mouth extractions! You’ll be amazed how well she will do long term. She’s probably been in some pain for awhile. She will never miss having teeth.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I agree. I have one cat that has no teeth and all he eats is dry food. He doesn’t like wet food at all, nor will he eat people food.

      2. MsChanandlerBong*

        That is awesome to hear. Two of my kitties, both 12 years old, need to have full extractions. The vet just thinks they have bad genes–we have gotten them regular vet care, fed them good food, given them dental treats, and so forth, but their teeth are terrible (they were both strays, so they didn’t get a great start). As soon as we pay off Chewbacca’s recent medical bills (about $1100 worth), we will be getting the extractions done.

    4. LuJessMin*

      My cat had stomatitis and lost most of her teeth. She eats wet food, and I have to monitor her while she eats, otherwise she’ll wolf it down and then it all comes back up.

    5. Admiral Thrawn Is Still Blue*

      Cats are amazing in their ability to adapt. Sounds like she’s recovering well.

    6. A Simple Narwhal*

      My dog broke some teeth from over chewing when she had heartworm, and we were told they thought maybe two teeth had to be removed, but they could evaluate better once she was under and they could really get in there.

      Well it turns out she needed to have all of her top teeth between her canines pulled and another on the bottom, and I was devastated. Partially by guilt, and the rest by worrying how she was going to function, would she be ok? Would this change things?

      Well turns out pups are way happier when they don’t have seven exposed roots in their mouth! She was way happier with that fixed, and the only difference is that we don’t give her hard toys like nylabones anymore (which apparently certain breeds shouldn’t have anyway since they’ll over chew), and when she sleeps sometimes her tongue peeks out the front of her mouth, which is freaking adorable.

      I know dogs are different from cats, but I think in general all animals (people included!) are happier and eat better when they don’t have dental problems.

    7. Worked in IT forever*

      Some years ago, one of our cats had to have her remaining teeth all removed, other than a couple of front fangs. She’d already lost or had teeth removed before that. The trigger for the final extraction was that we noticed she was suddenly in too much pain to eat, and this cat always loved her food.

      Anyway, though it seemed at first a drastic step to have almost all the remaining teeth removed, it was absolutely the right thing to do. The vet told us that she’d happily swallow the kibble whole, and he was right. (The kibble is on the smaller side, though.) We must have done this four or five years ago, and we have a very happy cat. She’s also overweight (we are working on that), so a lack of teeth has not slowed down her eating.

    8. Windchime*

      My previous cat lived to the ripe old age of 19, and a couple of those years he had over half of his teeth removed due to infection. He did eat a little kibble afterwards, but mostly soft food. Once he recovered from the surgery, he did just fine. I would imagine that he probably felt better due to the painful infection being gone, and I bet your kitty does too.

    9. LizB*

      I’m glad kitty is feeling better! And it’s good to know that she’s eating well even without teeth. My girl needs an unknown number of extractions, but when I took her in for them earlier this week, her platelet count was too low in the pre-op bloodwork for the vet to feel comfortable actually doing them. We’ll bring her back in in a couple months to re-do the bloodwork, and then if all looks well she’ll have the extractions and cleaning a week after that. It’s so hard knowing that she’s probably in pain and hiding it (as cats do).

    10. BetsCounts*

      I was SHOCKED at how much my cat’s energy level improved after he had a couple of teeth pulled. He had been acting fairly old- sitting a lot, staying in one room. The next DAY he was much more active and affectionate- which made me feel bad for not doing it sooner!

  16. I’m going to London!*

    Thank you everyone, I think we are pretty set for the trip. Raincoat, check, walking short boots, still deciding. Did I mention that I have a free day in Cambridge? Food, spa, bookstore, recommendations?

    2. Jenny*

      Why not give us some more details about what you’d like to do in Cambridge? Is there anything that particularly interests you?

    3. NeverNicky*

      Heffers for the bookstore.

      Fitzbillies is the classic recommendation for tea and buns but it can be very busy.

      My treat when I go to Cambridge is Sticks and Sushi (part of a very small chain) or I have a very OTT hot chocolate at the Hotel Chocolat store so I’m a bit boring foodwise I’m afraid.

      The Fitzwilliam Museum is amazing but there’s lots of small and specialist ones around with everything from polar exploration to archaeology covered.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        Fwiw all the museums are free (unless they have special exhibitions on, where you pay extra for that part only and can skip it). So if you don’t like it, you’ve lost nothing!

    4. I'm Going to London!*

      Thanks for the advice- I will be spending most of my time talking archival business meetings, the husband is interested in bookstores, design, libraries and museums.

      Another question. Arriving in Heathrow. If money were no object- best way from Heathrow to Cambridge- car for hire, bus, train. Looking for fastest and least painful after an overnight flight AND luggage and a person using a crutch.
      oh and buses’ do make me carsick.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        Probably Heathrow Express then train from Kings Cross (though there is a cheaper direct Underground route to KX on the Piccadilly line). You can prebook assistance but I don’t have personal experience of doing so.

        Cars and Cambridge do not go, so I wouldn’t recommend. Whereabouts are you staying?

        2. I'm Going to London!*

          Thank you. Staying at the Cambridge Hotel. I figure a taxi from the train station in Cambridge. Not too concerned about getting back into London.

        3. Ra94*

          Heathrow Express would add a terrible stairs-filled tube journey to get from Paddington to King’s Cross. Much better to just stay on the Picadilly to King’s cross, exit to the station step-free, and hop on a train.

      2. misspiggy*

        Ooh, public transport on that route is going to be a bit of a nasty one. If money were no object, I’d find a Cambridge-based airport taxi firm (specifically mentioning airport pickups and/or business travel) with good online reviews and get them to pick you up. It’ll probably cost a fair bit,, but by far the least tiring way to do it. If there’s more than one passenger the cost per person makes it well worthwhile.

        I just had a quick look online and one example -Prestige Taxis – quotes just over £100. That’s pretty good in my book.

        1. misspiggy*

          Just to add, Heathrow Express only takes you to Paddington Station, where you would then have to get to Kings Cross, either by Underground (with luggage – not fun) or pretty expensive black cab.

          Taking taxis in or to Cambridge is fine, it’s just that driving yourself around would probably be a hassle.

          1. londonedit*

            It’s only one Underground line from Paddington to King’s Cross though (Hammersmith & City/Circle, both go to King’s Cross from the same platform) and there are lifts from the main line concourse up to the level you need to be on for those Tube lines and then back down to the Tube platforms, and lifts at King’s Cross I believe too. There’s a little bit of walking involved but unless you’ve got an absolute ton of luggage it’s very doable. Or as General says the Piccadilly line goes straight from Heathrow to King’s Cross and is much cheaper. It gets very busy in rush hour but as you’ll be getting on at the beginning of the line you should get a seat (though there isn’t anywhere on the Tube trains to specifically put luggage and you need to stay with your stuff at all times so that might be a consideration).

        2. Jenny*

          The easiest is to have a hire car from a small local firm waiting. There are retired people who do this on the side but I can’t remember any names.
          Next easiest (but slow) is actually the coach. You get on, you sit, you get off. If you’re able bodied without much luggage it’s much slower, but it is far less stressful.

          1. I'm Going to London!*

            I will investigate the car. I suspecting the would be the best. I don’t want to ruin myself at the very beginning.

      3. Jenny*

        So…
        The Pepys Library in Magdalen College, and the Wren Library in Trinity are both obvious choices.

        The Whipple Museum might appeal, as small and quirky, and the house museum at Kettle’s Yard.

        There are two second hand bookshops near St Edward’s Church by the theatre.

        Have fun!

      4. I'm Going to London!*

        Thank you everyone. So here is the luggage question again. I am staying 10 days. Must have professional clothes as well as casual for the vacation. Willing to wash leggings, undies, and socks on the road.
        I own 20 inch soft side suitcase with two wheels- a small case can go on top. I travel with a small backpack for the plane. This is the set-up I take for conferences that last 5 days.
        I just got a 25 inch suitcase with four wheels seems huge to me but might be more manageable.

        The following fits in my twenty inch with a pair of spare shoes and toiletries in the small case.
        OR I just take the big one and have spare room for purchases etc.

        Packing list- I do use packing cubes
        Many pairs of leggings
        one wool dress- blue
        one sleeveless black layering dress-
        one grey long sleeve layering dress-
        2 black skirts below knee length.
        1 soft blazer- either wool or silk
        1 long grey skirt
        2 sweaters- one very light, one xtra warm merino super fluffy cowl neck.
        4 cuddle duds undershirts to layer. one wool- if the temp drops.
        1 pair of super casual stretch pants.
        Polartec- cardigan thing- good layer- black.
        Many pairs of wool and/cotton socks
        short business casual Birkenstock boots
        1 pair of high top all birds-
        Deciding on casual hiking boots for London walking days
        packable puffer jacket
        packable raincoat- can layer over puffer.
        2 sets of Pjs.
        one pair of soft slippers (I wear these on the plane)
        bathing suit (wishful thinking)
        cashmere wrap- grey
        Merino wrap- blue

        1. londonedit*

          I think the four-wheeled suitcases are always easier to manoeuvre than the two-wheeled ones – you can just wheel them along next to you rather than having to drag them behind. Sounds like a good list, but I’m not sure if you’ll need all the thermal layers – it’s not that cold here! At the moment it’s around 10 degrees C during the day, and that’s fairly normal for November/December, so unless we get a really unexpected cold snap (which isn’t currently forecast) then I don’t think you need to worry about being that cold! And if it does suddenly turn freezing for some reason, M&S and Uniqlo have affordable and great quality thermal layers, so you could always buy things here. I’m currently going to and from work in fairly ordinary clothes, no thermal layering and just an average coat and pashmina-type scarf, there’s no need to bundle up at the moment.

          And definitely bring the bathing suit – I remember you talking about spas, and there are loads! Check out Treatwell – you can search by area and they show all the special offers and whatnot.

    5. Cambridge local*

      I’m sure this has been recommended to you before, but if you haven’t been to Oxford/Cambridge before, you should get punted around (I’ve seen too many people fall in or lose their punts to do it myself, but I’ll quite happily pay someone to boat me around!)

      I live in Ely, which is probably too far out for you to visit – but we have some lovely tea rooms and book shop (Toppings), and of course the cathedral!

  17. KarenK*

    Anybody playing Harry Potter Wizards Unite? Wanna be my friend?

    I want to complete the Brilliant Event special assignment, and I don’t know anyone else who plays.

    My code is 3700 0558 8214.

  18. LGC*

    Thanks fposte for solving my tuxedo emergency from last week! The only thing that stung was the $20 rush fee (well, I’m okay with it, but it was an extra $20 that I could have avoided spending), but it was…a lot less painful than I was expecting. The only issue was that the pants were a bit short when I picked it up, but they fixed it within like ten minutes. (FYI: yes, they make pants in a Legs For DAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYS inseam. Even slim fit pants. And they’re readily available.)

    I have been getting a stunning amount of ads for Men’s Wearhouse tuxedos this week, by the way. Also, I was not joking when I said I was extremely close to getting a statement tuxedo – one of the mannequins had plaid tuxedo pants on, and I did semi-seriously contemplate that as a choice. (I mean, it might have been on theme anyway – the groom is Irish.)

    1. LGC*

      In case you were wondering: I forgot to mention it was a tartan plaid. And you could get a matching jacket (like the model has on) – although the mannequin had a black jacket. (So basically, imagine like…kind of what bagpipe players wear, except the kilt is tuxedo pants instead.)

      https://www.menswearhouse.com/p/paisley-grayslimfitsuitseparatescoatredtartanplaid-3U633U6411

      My parents said I would have looked like RuPaul, and I felt very attacked. (To be fair, we’re both about the same height, although I don’t shave my head bald.)

      I also contemplated this, to which my mother said she was getting Delfonics vibes from:

      https://tuxedo.menswearhouse.com/white-satin-edge-lapel-tuxedo-pronto-uomo-id-5233

      I just settled on conventional black because I was going to do the bare minimum. I do not intend on bringing my laptop and writing a paper during the ceremony, though. (If you have not listened to this week’s Dear Prudence podcast, please do so immediately because the last letter is bananas. It’s about 10 minutes from the end, so 50 minutes in.)

    2. fposte*

      I’m so glad it worked out! If you do opt for a statement tuxedo at some point in the future, link to photo is required.

  19. Cute dog collars*

    Hi. For the holidays I usually make decorative dog collars for friends and family’s dogs. Last year was felt flowers on collars and the year before that, bow ties. Can you think of something new for this year? Pinterest is letting me down a bit. Thanks.

    1. Anono-me*

      I’ve been eyeing this little pocket that fits on the dog’s collar. You can tuck your id, a spare key and a folded up plastic bag or two in it. Then it can be attached to the collar.

      I have also seen collars with lots of pretty fringe all around, almost like a jester’s costume collar (but without the bells obviously).

    4. fposte*

      Am I correctly understanding that the flowers and ties are 3D, not embroidered on? That sounds amazing. What about stars?

      1. Dog collar OP*

        Hi. Yes. 3D. I cut the flowers on a Cricut and roll them. I don’t know whether AAM allows links but for those interested if you search for ‘felt flower cricut dog collar’ there are a lot of Etsy/ Pinterest images. And the bow ties are similar to what people make for young kids.

    5. Pamela Adams*

      Our dogs got some “bandannas ” that slid onto their collars. Very cute, and they didn’t lose them.

      Autumn leaves? Holiday ornaments?

    7. SAHM*

      Maybe because I’m staring out sausages, but you said you made felt flowers, can you make felt food? I would love a little sausage decorated collar or bagel decorated. Or mimosas…..

      2. Jemima Bond*

        Or felt “thing that is themed for that breed? So sausages, or ketchup bottles for dachshunds, thistles/other Scottish thing for a Scottie dog, rabbits for a greyhound, jacks as per playing cards for a Jack Russell, and little Heinz baked bean cans for mongrels (=57 varieties).

    1. Jenny*

      I have seen the first episode and was definitely intrigued enough to keep going. It is definitely well made and well filmed.

    2. Jules the 3rd*

      We watched the first episode last night, it was mostly good, but their soundtrack was off. Too epic for the events, enough that even Little Jules noticed.

    3. Ann O.*

      I’m only through the first episode. It was fine, but not amazing until the very end. I was not expecting that reveal, and I loved it.

    5. ThatGirl*

      We’re enjoying it and I think they’ve now introduced the cutest damn thing in the entire universe.

  21. PhyllisB*

    I have to work today so it will be this afternoon before I can get back on, but just wanted y’all to know my grandson in jail is going to be bonded out by his other grandmother on Tuesday.
    I will come back this afternoon and give updates and answer questions. I know some are wondering why a 16 year old is in county jail. I covered all this at the time, but it’s been a year now and I know there’s a lot of new readers.

    1. My son as well*

      Looking foward to your update. I understand.

      My son was dealing drugs in high school and we had no clue until his “little black book” of who owed him money was discovered. He left home at 18 and spent time in rehab and jail. Addicted to meth, he just looked at his life and his “friends” and just stood up and walked away. I believe God intervened.

      Fortunately, he was able to join the California Conservation Core and turned his life around. Earned his HS diploma, was hired by the Core upon graduation and worked for them for two years. He then joined the carpenters union and has been a journeyman now for 6 years. He is 38 now and a great father to my two grandchildren.

      He did this with a bit of our help, but mostly on his own and with the help God.

      1. Gaia*

        I’m glad for your son. I wish we had a bigger focus on rehabilitation in our criminal justice system instead of punishment.

        There are times punishment is warranted. But if someone is ever going to live outside of jail/prison again, rehabilitation serves all of society.

    2. Anono-me*

      That is such wonderful news for your family.

      It may be a good idea for him to meet soon with his doctor, dentist, etc. for as much proactive treatment as is practical.

    3. Gaia*

      I’m glad for your family and for your grandson.

      I don’t know all the details, and you’re certainly under no obligation to share them, but I do know that there is no justice in subjecting a 16 year old to the conditions you described.

      I hope your grandson gets the help he needs to put him on a better path, and that our justice system comes through for all of us should he be convicted.

    5. Thursday Next*

      I’m so glad your grandson won’t have to spend much longer in county jail. He’s so young, and it’s been so long. I’ve always read your posts, and you’ve always struck me as a compassionate and fair grandparent. All my best to you and your family.

    6. Anon for this*

      That’s got to be so hard on the family, I’m sorry. I have two cousins (different sides of the family) who have recently spent some months in prison for different low-level crimes. They’re both out now and seem to be moving on with their lives. They have good family support, but I’m sure it’s an uphill battle. Both were career-ending convictions and so the big challenge is to figure out something they can do to earn a living without the risks of encountering situations that could put them at risk of repeating their problems.
      I hope your grandson continues to get the support he needs!

    8. PhyllisB*

      Sorry to be so long in posting, it’s been a busy couple of days. I am going to post two comments. This one I will update, the second one will tell some of how he got there so those of you who already know and don’t care to wade through that again can skip over it.
      All I really know is, his other grandmother texted me and said she’s bonding him out and taking him straight to a doctor. They will decide on getting him evaluated and perhaps recommend a treatment plan. I don’t know how much she’s having to post. His original bond was $500,000.00 Yes, you read that right. Half a mil. I’m sure that is because he is considered a flight risk. My daughter said after the State Supreme Court denied the motion to remand to youth court his bond was lowered to $37,250.00 I know the standard amount to post is 10%, but according to my daughter, with his history the bondsman could ask for the whole amount.
      When psychologists saw him in juvenile they sort of hinted around that he was bi-polar, but said they couldn’t diagnose that until he was 18. I know when he was in elementary he was diagnosed as being having ADDHD, but after he went to live with his dad his dad would not allow him to take the medication because he felt like he needed to learn how to control himself. I will give more detail in next post.

      1. PhyllisB*

        Okay, so here’s the background on Grandson. At the age of six he was diagnosed as ADDHD and put on medication. He had problems and at the age of nine he burned down a neighbor’s boat house. Not intentionally; he was burning some pine straw. He stomped it out when he got through and went home, but blaze reignited and burned down this boat house. One of the neighbors saw him leave and reported him to the authorities. The housing association told his mother that they were being kicked out of the neighborhood unless he went to live somewhere else. (Daughter was renting so had no say.) That’s when he went to live with his dad. Child was banned from coming back to the area. His dad, as I said, decided it was just a discipline issue and refused to get medication for him and told him he needed to learn how to control himself.
        Things went along until Grandson was 13 and ran away from home for the first time.
        Now by this time his mother was hooked on meth. Well, she was before, just none of us were aware. Things had come to a head with her, and we took her other children away and told her we didn’t want to hear from her until she was ready to get help. Well, when she heard about Grandson, she texted me and told me she was ready, so I took her to a detox facility the next day. She went through her program, half way house and has now been sober for four years and has her two youngest children back with her.
        Well, he kept running away and kept getting put in juvenile. Every time he was out he would run again. One time he went over the wall at juvenile. Of course they caught him right away.Then he started running away and stealing cars. The last time (at 15) he stole a vehicle with guns in it. He didn’t know the guns were there until he stopped, and gave them away (!!) Back to juvenile he went. Got released AGAIN, ran away in less than 48 hours and was on the loose over a week. This time he and some other boys staged a fight and when the guard intervened, they beat him up and ran. This is what got him sent to the county jail. And led to him being certified as an adult. Grandson did not contribute to beating the guard, but he DID come up with the plan and was going to show them the quickest way to get away. He readily admitted that he came up with the idea, but that he did not hurt the guard.(They had to testify under oath that he didn’t participate in any violence.) Also they had the video proof that he did not. This is why his bail was set so high.
        So here we are. My prayer is that the right help can be found for him and that he doesn’t run away again before we get it for him. If any of you are praying people, I would appreciate you saying a prayer for him. And thank you to all of you who have been so kind and concerned. It really means a lot to me.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          I have seen the power of group prayer, Phyllis, and I will join in on this one. May the other grandma bring him to the exact right doc for his needs.

          Keep us posted.

  22. Frontline: In the age of AI*

    Any one watch this documentary? I posted this last week and most of the commenters refered to employment, which was one part of five parts that the show delved into.

    Curious what others who watched the show thought not just about employment impact and job loss, but also the other 4 topics covered.

    1. KR*

      My husband has watched it and honestly I can’t watch it. I know it will send me into an anxiety spiral. Like global warming, sometimes what you can’t change is the scariest.

  23. Jenny*

    Looking for gift ideas for my seven year old nephew. The issue is he already has a ton of toys and my brother lives in a pretty small apartment. My mom (who loves nearby to my brother) commented on the lack of space. I would love to do experience gifts, but I live a plane ride away and have a small baby myself, so it isn’t as doable. Something that would be “used up” (like maybe a onetime science experiment?) Might work. My brother doesn’t really have any ideas but he echoes the “please don’t buy him a ton of stuff” (he was the only grandkid and great grandkid on both sides for some time so he got inundated with presents).

    Any ideas?

    1. Mimosa Jones*

      Kiwi Crate has subscription craft and science boxes for kids of all ages. They also sell single boxes and they have good Black Friday/Cyber Monday deals.

    2. Fikly*

      Is one of the toys something electronic he can read on? Or can he borrow from parents? My go to gift for kids is always books/graphic novels.

    3. Grace*

      When I was seven, I was big into dinosaurs (aren’t we all?) and I got one of those palaeontology excavation kits that are plaster-of-paris and plastic bones – it sounds cheesy, but I have really good memories of sitting at the kitchen table with my dad and chipping away at the ‘rock’ with the little tools. It’s more of an experience gift than a toy.

    4. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Membership to something local like a children’s museum or zoo? If he has a particular interest like climbing gyms or art classes or karate, some classes or lessons in his area of interest?

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yes! “Experience gifts” don’t have to be “things I do with Nephew,” just “something nephew would enjoy”! Zoo pass, art/tech classes, etc. Love the idea of a magazine subscription too.

      2. A bit of a saga*

        This! We get an annual pass to the local zoo from my parents every year. It’s really great – no extra stuff in the house and the kids (and we) love it. My kid (also 7) is also very much into magazine subscriptions. She also enjoys receding clothing but that might be a girl thing? Thank you for trying not to bring too much more stuff into their lives. We have some family members who will buy a ton of stuff no matter what we say and I’m already tired just thinking about the mountain of stuff we don’t need that we have to haul back from Christmas.

    5. Cruciatus*

      Could you buy a computer game (Minecraft or something like that)? Magazine subscription (I know it’s “stuff”, but only once a month and it’s recyclable!)? A subscription snack box (or similar)? Again, “stuff” but it’s eaten!

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      Not sure of budget, but can you do experience gifts where you send cash to your brother (or a gift card, but cash is flexible) and he takes your nephew to try to the rock-climbing wall or for a day on the bumper boats?

      Also, cash can be a great gift for kids from geographically distant older relatives–its fungible and flexible. They can go buy the really cool new hat that is the talk of the first grade. Checks from my kids’ grandmother were deposited in their savings account, and I think as appreciated as the regular gifts from the other grandmother.

    7. Ranon*

      Cricket media does wonderful magazines for kids, my grandma gave me a subscription and I still have really find memories of it. It looks like they have a non-fiction/ science one for his age called Ask and a fiction one called Spider, plus they have others for older age groups so you could answer this question for yourself forever…(and get Babybug for yourself and your young kiddo, it’s great!)

      3. Wandering*

        Yes! Was coming here to suggest this. My nieces & nephews loved getting their very own mail every month, with pictures & stories etc. Cricket is a good source.

      4. LizB*

        I got these magazines from Babybug up through Cicada, and I LOVED them. I’m so glad they’re still being made!

    8. Not So NewReader*

      He might be a little young, but we gave our neph his first wallet. It was a big success. There is a hidden message with a wallet- “We see you as growing and maturing, so you will need this.”

    9. Platypus enthusiast*

      My cousins are the same age and some of their sport/club/activity gear can get expensive (here’s looking at you, tap shoes), so maybe something that he might need or want for activities. Or if there’s a local sport team he likes, maybe tickets to a game? I would have loved to be given a museum pass but my parents were pretty busy working, so that probably wouldn’t have been used much.

    10. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Equipment and instructions for a hobby? Inexpensive digital camera, stuff for knitting, crochet, cooking, beginning origami, magic?

    11. Amy*

      Annual passes to local attractions (zoo, science museum, water park?). Gift cards for downloadable games or books. His favorite snacks. An invitation to visit and do something fun with you. Fun school supplies for the new semester. A gift certificate to a “kid” place – trampoline park, etc. – to cover him and two friends for an afternoon.

    12. Nancy*

      My seven year old son is very into a couple of series of books: Beast Quest by Adam Blade and the Jack Stalwart series by Elizabeth Singer Hunt. Or a gift card to a local trampoline park, adventure playground or similar? Or, my son is always absolutely delighted to get money and plan his own spending (although that way we do always end up with more plastic stuff in the house).

    13. Salymander*

      A Write Your Own Book kit?

      My daughter had one. Write/illustrate maybe 15-20 pages and mail in, they send back a bound book with your child’s work. It is great. Not much work for the parents, and not a huge amount of packaging.

    14. LilySparrow*

      How about a Mystery Box? They get a series of packages in the mail with clues to follow/solve, and it all comes together in a story.

    15. Nita*

      Very kind of you to take your brother’s request for no more stuff seriously! Maybe ask him if books or art supplies would be OK? I mean, it’s kind of more stuff, but book are small and art supplies are one of those things kids need for school anyway.

    16. Pony tailed wonder*

      Why not a gift card for pizza so he can invite his friends over for pizza or have a slumber party with that pizza?

    17. Mindovermoneychick*

      Art supplies? Markers, crayons, gel pens, paper, glue, stickers – that sort of thing? It gets used up over time.

  24. Being a Friend/Medical stuff*

    Okay AAM crowdsourcing time.
    I have a friend. She is in New Mexico near Texas. She has an undiagnosed but very serious medical condition that will require her to fly to Minnesota. She is in a lot of pain and on pain meds.
    I have offered to fly to El Paso (no direct flights from where I live) and escort her to Minnesota and then drive to Rochester MN.
    I have been thinking. Is there another way? This will be expensive but also no fun for her. There is no direct flight and there will be layovers and transfers. We will be using wheelchair services.
    I have been looking at Medical transport but that seems like over kill. She doesn’t need an ambulance or medical professional escort.
    I have heard about “ride shares” on private planes but don’t know where to start on that.
    Anyone have any suggestions or links?

    1. Jules the 3rd*

      Start with aircharity.org, they’re kinda built for people like your friend.

      blackbird air is one that does share / charters, but the FAA made it harder and most of the ‘for profit ride sharing’ companies are out of business (AirPooler, FlyteNow). If AirCharity can’t help directly, they may be able to point you to other resources.

    2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Angel Flight may be an option – but there are a lot of requirements and its in small planes. However, the may be able to get her right into Rochester (sounds like shes going to Mayo?). It will be uncomfortable but any flight to Rochester or MSP from El Paso will require a connection.

    3. Anono-me*

      What a true friend.

      Would your friend be able to at least start her process at one of the other Mayo locations closer to her? For example maybe she could do the initial battery of testing at the Mayo in Arizona?

      Also have you two discussed the travel challenges with someone at Mayo? They probably have some resources and suggestions.

    4. SigneL*

      I was in a wheelchair for several months recently after a bad fall, and we had to fly to a wedding. The most difficult part for me was when I had to pee on the airplane – getting down the aisle and into/out of the bathroom was pretty bad.

      Airlines deal with people in wheelchairs all the time, so they will have people who can help when you board/deplane (but nothing happens fast – she may be the last to deplane). Everyone was very kind when I flew, but it wasn’t easy.

    5. Anon Here*

      Hmm. Just throwing this out there as a last resort. Try reaching out to the hobbyist flying community in her area* (NM and all of West Texas). Since it’s a remote area, there might be a friendly group of plane owners. She could be the one doing the reaching out, or you could.

      I bet if you started talking to people, you might find someone who could help. Obviously, offer payment. And do an informal background check. It’s something to try. You never know.

      *Obviously, there are some large cities in NM and El Paso is huge, but that region as a whole is vast and sparsely populated.

    6. Not A Manager*

      I second the idea of the Mayo Clinic in Phoenix. I had a relative who went there and had a very good experience.

      I’ve had to do the medical air transport. It’s very expensive and insurance (understandably) is fussy about qualifications.

      One thing you might look into is Amtrak. It looks like there is a train from Albuquerque to Chicago and then one from Chicago to Rochester. If you get the most comfortable sleeper cars, this might be a better option than hectic airports followed by a long car drive.

    7. Being a Friend*

      Yes, Mayo. Things are changing and she might be staying down there. I am going to investigate to be how/where I can be most helpful. I lucky to have a flexible schedule and to be an higher ed academic and will be finishing my classes right before thanksgiving and don’t start up again for 10 days in December.

      Thank you. These are all great suggestions and yes she is in a small town rural area.

    8. MeM*

      I saw there are a number of American Airlunes flights from el paso to Minneapolis with only one stop – in Phoenix or DFW. I believe they also have some programs where people donate miles, so perhaps they would be able to help with cost. Also, might consider splitting the trip, i.e. fly to DFW, stay the night and then fly out the next day. It would be a long day driving to DFW, but perhaps that is a better alternative to changing planes.

      1. MechanicalPencil*

        For context, that’s a 9+ hour drive. Not sure if that’s better than a flight plus layover or not.

  25. Fikly*

    I’ve been loving all the recommendations lately for shows to watch!

    I am apparently behind the times, because I had no idea about all the shows that are apparently on Youtube. Anyone have recommendations for ones found there? I am particularly charmed by charming/funny reality, think GBBS. I also quite enjoyed Blown Away on Netflix (I love crafts), but I’d love to explore just about anything.

    1. curly sue*

      I really enjoyed the various reality / history series that the BBC did with Ruth Goodman. She’s an historian and teams up with other experts like archaeologists to do living-history shows. Tudor Monastery Farm had them rebuild and live in a 16th century farm, but they’ve also done Victorian Farm – and a pharmacy one, I think – as well as a Wartime Farm.

      The BBC also did a couple of series where they took non-historians and made them live “historically” – Regency House Party was a bit of a structural disaster, but Coal House and Coal House At War were great fun. I think those are all on Youtube now.

      1. Jaid*

        I love Ruth Goodman and can’t recommend the “Farm” series enough. Tales from Green Valley, Victorian Farm, Edwardian Farm, Wartime Farm, and Tudor Monastery Farm. Add in the Christmas specials, Victorian Pharmacy, Secrets of the Castle, and you’ve got enough YouTube material to watch for months.

    2. OperaArt*

      I liked Blown Away, too. If you like competition shows about creative people, check out Skin Wars (body painting) and The Final Table (world class, international chefs). Both are available on Netflix.

    3. Valancy Snaith*

      I’m not sure how much of it is available on Youtube, but there is a Great British Sewing Bee that might be up your alley!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Not really what you are looking for but I just had to mention the space alien barn owls that somebody found, filmed and put on Youtube. I got roped into it because the still shots of these beings were going to keep me awake at night. The video was very funny. It looks like contractors in India found them in an attic. They are so ugly that they are cute, if that makes sense. The video is under two minutes though.

      1. Anoning as well*

        Ok, I watched the intro, and I laughed so much at the “is pottery better than sex” debate!

    6. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I always recommend Big Dreams Small Spaces on Netflix – a British show about 2 families making over their back gardens into dream spaces. Very cozy and reasonably informative for reality TV.

      1. Fikly*

        Oh, hard agree! I watched that because of a recommendation here – was it you? – and was utterly delighted.

    7. Jules the 3rd*

      I loved Blown Away! I’m currently watching The Apartment, it’s ok. I have loved ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ for years – skilled dancers learning new styles – but I’m having a hard time finding them now that I’ve cut the cable / network and am all streaming.

      For non-reality shows, I love Midsommer Murders. They’re funny.

      1. Fikly*

        Huh, Apartment could be interesting, thanks!

        I loved So You Think You Can Dance for years, but eventually the camera work got to the point where it interfered so badly the watching the actual dance that I gave up. I was very frustrated.

        Midsommer Murders is a riot!

  26. Asenath*

    One of my co-workers came to work last week with a terrible cold, in spite of us encouraging her to take more sick leave. I feel like I’m coming down with it now, and am hoping and praying it is my imagination, or if it isn’t, my immune system will throw it off in – well, less than 24 hours? I’m in a choir on Sunday, and my other choir has major extra rehearsals starting Monday in final preparation for our concert the following Sunday. I can’t possibly sing while coughing and sneezing and spreading germs to the other singers!!

    1. The Other Dawn*

      My husband got a really bad cold from his coworkers and was sick as a dog last weekend. Tuesday I started feeling my usual precursors to a cold (sinus headache and throat-clearing). I’ve felt the same all week, with the addition of a scratchy throat yesterday and today, but it hasn’t gone beyond that. I kind of wish it would, because then I’d know I’ll start feeling better in X number of days. On the other hand, I don’t want a full-blown cold. It’s really annoying. I don’t really feel good enough to workout or have a desire to be out and about, but it’s not enough to justify staying home from work.

    2. LGC*

      Oh no! Hopefully you don’t get it as bad as she had it!

      I’d almost advise resting as much as humanly possible today and seeing how you feel tomorrow. Rest your voice. You might want to call out tomorrow anyway just to avoid being as contagious.

    3. Parenthetically*

      Gargle with hot salt water, take some emergen-c and elderberry (good research on this shortening the duration of a virus)! Easier to prevent at early onset than treat once it hits!

    4. No Name Left*

      Zinc supplements may help. I am taking a zinc + selenium supplement daily and it seems to work in preventing and shortening colds.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        I take zinc in tiny amounts because a full dose causes big-time nausea. It helps prevent colds but I still get a significant cold about every other year.
        Good health to all!

    5. No fan of Chaos*

      Get Zicam nose swabs. Works great to shorten colds and helps with soar throats. I volunteer at an elementary school and need help often.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        The FDA warned in 2009 not to use Zicam intranasal products after some people permanently lost their sense of smell. Just a heads up.

  27. Frooty Circles*

    My daughter is two and a little chubby. I’ve worked with kids for a longtime and know they gain and lose weight throughout childhood. She is very healthy and active. Doctor is not concerned about her weight as she’s an active kiddo. Grandma (ex’s mom) stated we would need to start teaching her how to ‘suck it in.'(her belly) I said, “ha, yeah, nope. Not at all.” I know she was serious as she told daughter’s older cousin who’s a little heavier this all the time. I used to tell the cousin not to suck it in as she was fine the way she was. I know this will get brought up again especially the older my daughter gets. I want to get grandma to stop and not influence my daughter and her view of herself. What do I say?

    1. Jules the 3rd*

      Big picture: Talk to grandma before you go, on the phone, and say that she can’t make comments about your kid’s body / figure / weight. Tell her that this is a serious issue for you, and if she does make comments, you’re going to have to leave. *IF* you really like her, sit and listen to why she’s so obsessed with weight (in a 2yo! yeesh!), but in the end, that’s her problem to deal with, you just want to set the boundary so that it doesn’t become your kid’s problem too.

      In the moment: “We don’t talk about people’s bodies like that, grandma”. “Doc says kid is fine just the way she is”, and leave.

      Grandma *will* get upset. Grandma will push back. If you hold the boundary, Grandma will stop making those comments.

      Google “Captain Awkward weight comments” for more scripts and validation that you can and should have these conversations, and set these boundaries.

    2. Anon Here*

      “Please don’t say that to her.”

      But she might not change, no matter what you say. She might smile and nod and then tell your daughter to, “Suck in your tummy,” when you’re out of hearing range.

      So focus on what to say to your daughter. For example, you could explain that Grandma grew up in a different era and may give advice that doesn’t apply today, and talk about that. I don’t know what that conversation would look like at your daughter’s current age (kids are so different), but I would start preparing for it.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yeah, I think digging into body acceptance stuff and starting to think about scripts NOW is helpful. Being a female alive in the world means dealing with body-shaming, so it’s better to have armor against that.

        Also, Frooty, your language that you use around your own body is going to be a powerful protector for your daughter. She’ll naturally mimic how you speak about your body in how she thinks and speaks about her body.

    3. legalchef*

      What?? That’s ridiculous. All toddlers have a little round belly that sticks out. Even mine, who is the skinniest little guy (to the point where I need to sew his pants smaller at the waist) has a little belly. Toddler bellies are the cutest.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Infants and toddlers have much bigger livers, relative to their body size, than adults. Thus the pooch.

        1. legalchef*

          That’s interesting, I had no idea that was the cause! I figured it was due to undeveloped muscles/ligaments related to posture.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I don’t know what the custody situation is, but can you warn her than any comments on daughter not being thin enough will lead to you taking her and walking out? And follow up?

      Ideally, it takes only the warning to realize you are serious and won’t tolerate this.

    5. Parenthetically*

      “Granny, please don’t. First of all, ‘sucking it in’ can cause pelvic floor problems as she ages. Also, we don’t make comments on people’s bodies. All bodies are good.”

      “Granny, I’ve asked you to stop making comments about Daughter’s body.”

      “Sweetie, you don’t need to suck it in, your belly is good!”

    6. Gaia*

      Wow that’s seriously messed up. Your child is 2! As you know, toddlers gain and lose weight because they are growing rapidly. The only people that should be having discussions about concerns around her weight would be her parents (you) and her doctor – neither of which are concerned. And CERTAINLY the grandmother should never be discussing this with your young child. Children are inundated with messages about their body all the time. Why on earth would her grandmother want to make that worse!?

      Finally, a PSA for those that still can’t wrap their minds around it: weight does not inherently = health. One can be the “right weight” and unhealthy and one can be the “wrong weight” and healthy. It is way more complex than that.

    7. lasslisa*

      First: TWO YEARS OLD? That is completely inappropriate.

      I had a grandma who taught me to “suck it in” as a teenager, and it was pretty upsetting at the time though I’m glad to have learned that’s a thing you can do along with all the other ways you can use body language to impact how you’re read. But TWO YEARS OLD? Jeez. No.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      This is such bad advice for oh-so-many reasons.

      I would lie like a carpet: “So, Grandma, I spoke to the doc about your advice and he said not to do this as it can cause many health issues. Please stop saying this to my daughter.”

      Watch this woman. Seriously.

      1. Observer*

        You don’t need to lie – any competent doctor would agree with this. But Grandam is not likely to listen or care.

    9. Amy*

      That’s wildly inappropriate. Don’t normalize it and have an assortment of automatic replies. E.g.,
      “Wow! That’s such a bizarre thing to say.”
      “Stop sexualizing my child.”
      “You’re so rude to focus on her appearance.”
      To your daughter, “Ignore grandma. She’s getting old and she forgets that nice people don’t comment on other people’s bodies.”

      1. Observer*

        “Stop sexualizing my child.”

        Bad idea – this is not about sex and bringing that up is just going to side track the conversation.

        One I would add is “My doctor disagrees with you.”

        1. Ramona Q*

          Sexualization isn’t limited to sex: it also includes objectification and body image stuff. It’s a totally appropriate term to use in this discussion.

    10. yikes*

      Never leave your child alone with her. My mother did this to me from an early age causing all sorts of body image issues and an eating disorder. I remember being shamed of how I looked in a bathing suit as young as 7. “to suck in my gut. ” I was not chubby, I was not overweight.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Yeah, never leave your kid alone with her. And if grandma says anything like that, leave with your kid.

    11. ..Kat..*

      Tell her you will leave with your daughter if she makes these inappropriate comments. And then DO IT. And never leave your daughter alone with her.

    12. food*

      Please fight this and people have given good suggestions so I will just add please watch the grandmother/child interactions. One thing my grandmother did all the time when we would eat at my grandparents’ place, at least once a week, was give me a visibly smaller portion of food than everyone else and you can bet I made up for it by binging afterwards because I could not articulate the rage I felt or say it even if I understood it at that young age (like 5-6).

    13. Teach*

      Grandma gets no alone time with kiddo, first of all. If she can’t lay off body shaming A TODDLER she gets no time at all.
      I know this sounds harsh, but I only found out in DD’s therapy sessions what a grandparent had been saying and teaching her for years on girls’ days. Including being “so proud” of her at the point the Drs were talking about hospitalizing her for anorexia.

  28. Fikly*

    Some of you may remember I got a bad concussion in July. It’s the only one I’ve ever gotten, and I was completely unprepared for how much it would affect me, especially cognitively.

    Well, a few days ago, at the thing we do not mention on weekends, I had my most productive shift since the concussion. I’d say I was at about 75% of pre-concussion, but honestly, it felt so good to get to 75%. It’s been a long slog, and for the first time it felt like getting back to pre-concussion levels was a possibility.

    In other health news, thank you to everyone who commented on my back last weekend! I was able to see my psyiatrist on Monday (bless her and her office, I called first thing Monday morning, was seeing her 2 1/2 hours later) and x-rays showed C8 arthritis that is almost certainly the cause of the numbness in my left hand, and she strongly suspects a herniated T6. I’m having MRIs of cervical and thoracic spine on Tuesday to get a better picture of what’s going on.

    I’ve been working with my physical therapist, and have managed to find a better way to sit that has reduced my overall pain levels, but last managed to accidentally shift in some way that shot my pain up to stunning levels. Unfortunately I don’t remember how I moved. Hopefully I’ll get some answers soon!

  29. Smelly Apartment*

    I’ve been having an issue at my apartment that I asked the office for help with. Basically someone in my apartment building is smoking weed and the smell is coming into my bathroom very strongly most nights. I don’t care at all if my neighbor smokes, and this would be 0% of an issue if they were doing it in their car, a room in their apartment that didn’t vent into mine, edibles, etc. I only care that it comes into my space.

    I really dislike the smell (it makes me nauseous), and the washer/dryer is in the bathroom so I’m worried the smell is seeping into my clothes. I’m supposed to interview for a law internship at a more traditional firm very soon so I can’t smell like that.

    The office was very unhelpful, with the attendant just saying “LOL its not a big deal” and that nobody would admit to it so there was no point trying to do something. He apparently also lives in my building and can smell it too but doesn’t care.

    Anybody have any practical advice for keeping the smell out of my unit, or suggest if I should keep following up with the office? They suddenly replaced the whole management team a few months ago without explanation and maybe it’s just that the old team set an incredibly high bar, but the new team just doesn’t seem to care about anything (online reviews confirm this).

    2. Anon Here*

      You need a way to document what’s happening. Keeping records of your complaints needs to be part of that, so try to communicate with the office by email even if you also stop by. You might get a different response in writing.

      This is really tricky because pursuing it further would probably involve getting someone in trouble. I get that you want to avoid that. The office shouldn’t be putting you in that position.

      I can think of a few approaches. One approach would be to stop referring to it as a weed smell and instead just say, “the smell of something burning,” or something else generic. “A burning smell is coming through the vent and causing my clothes to smell bad. It is also making me nauseous, which has caused me to miss work. I mentioned this to the office once and no action was taken.”

      If they don’t respond, get your clothes washed at a laundry service or dry cleaner, send them the receipt and let them know that you’ll be deducting it from your rent. If that’s not possible, ask for reimbursement. If it’s making you sick, go to the doctor. Send them a copy of the bill. See if the doctor can write some kind of statement that you could also send them. And go as high up the chain as possible. The management needs to see this as, “Something burning in building. Expensive. Causing health problems for tenant.” That should get a response.

      You can also look for tenants’ rights organizations in your area. That can be a good source of info about what laws apply and how to handle these kinds of issues.

      1. Glomarization, Esq.*

        deducting it from your rent

        Depending on OP’s location, it can put them in a very, very unfavorable position (read: place them on the road toward eviction) if they do this, without putting the landlord on notice first and putting funds into an escrow account. Laws vary by jurisdiction, but in general it’s bad news for the tenant who quits paying their full rent without taking some other steps first, and just showing dry cleaning receipts to your landlord won’t be enough.

        OP, before you start doing anything with your rent payments, talk to a tenants’ union or a landlord-tenant lawyer.

        1. Anon Here*

          Yes! That’s why I mentioned asking for reimbursement as another option. It depends on where you are and what your situation is.

    3. Cats cats cats*

      If you’re worried about your clothes smelling, I strongly recommend Freshwave IAQ products. It works like Fabreeze, but actually destroys the odor molecules (as opposed to covering it up). It’s oil based and organic, so it doesn’t affect people with asthma or allergies the way some products do. It does have a slight smell when first applied, but that goes away after about 30 seconds. I have the same issue at my apartment, so I feel your pain.

    4. NoLongerStuckInRetailHell*

      I think you need to take this higher. You said “they” replaced the management team, so take it to whoever “they” are. Inform them that you informed the office of the problem, and while they are actually aware of the problem your complaint was ignored and belittled as no big deal.

    5. Zona the Great*

      Honestly, as a stoner myself, I’d appreciate if you just came and told me how it comes into your place. Most of us are super chill, ya know! We also can’t smell our own exhaled smoke. Bring them a bag of Funyuns to help the medicine go down.

      1. Smelly Apartment*

        This would have been my first approach because in my experience y’all are pretty nice! However there’s quite a few units in my building so I can’t tell where the source is.

        I wish the complex would just put out a memo to everyone in the building that the smell travels. I bet the person doing it might not realize its impacting other units and finds another way to enjoy.

      2. LilySparrow*

        This was my first thought, not as a stoner but as a frequent neighbor of people with annoying habits that intrude on my “quiet enjoyment.”

        Whether it’s music, smoke, or a barking dog, most people want to be good neighbors. Some are jerks, but it’s certainly worth a try.

        If you don’t know which apartment it is, start with the one that most closely abuts your bathroom and say something like, “I have a wierd situation where somebody seems to be smoking at night, and the smell really fills up my bathroom, have you noticed that?”

        If it’s them, you could ask them to close the vent or put a fan out the window, or just use a different room.

        If it’s not them, you haven’t said anything un-neighborly. And they might know who it is.

    6. No fan of Chaos*

      Take painters tape-the blue tape that doesn’t remove paint- and a large piece of cardboard-the kind you get at Michaels that isn’t too thick. Tape the cardboard over the fan or vent in your bathroom. You may need to take to fan cover off if it is too thick. This will stop the smell. I used to have to tape around my entry door when the neighbors had a party. This also works for cigarette smoke.

      1. assistant alpaca attendant*

        Air purifier but if it’s making you naseous and stinking up your clothes you shouldn’t have to pay money in your own apartment.

        Sending sympathy as fellow person who gets sick from smoke.

        Is your building non smoking?

      2. Smelly Apartment*

        Thank you! Someone told me to put dryer sheets into the vent but I was worried they might be toxic to my cats. I might try this instead.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        I was gonna say, I did this in college when a group of students moved across the hall from me. A stench like wet burnt dog hair would regularly waft into my place through a large vent near the front door of my apartment, and it was just awful. I don’t know what in hell they were doing over there — smoking hash? Burning weird food? Never found out. I just taped a paper grocery bag over the vent and it cut the smell down quite a bit.

    7. Orange You Glad*

      Not quite the same but my bathroom vent goes to the roof and during the winter there is a strong draft coming down. Like my towel was moving on the rack because there was enough of a breeze INSIDE my windowless bathroom!

      I covered the vent with white duct tape on the metal vent cover and viola! No more draft!

      Then in the spring I used GooGone to get the sticky tape residue off. So depending on which vent it is, covering it so it’s airtight might be your best option!

      1. Free Meerkats*

        Better than duct tape for this type of thing is gaff tape. It looks a lot like duct tape, but has better adhesive on it making it both stick better AND removes easier, leaving little or no residue. But it’s pricey.

    8. Earthwalker*

      In addition to the fan you might check all the water inputs into the room, like the ones under the sink, and stuff/tape/caulk any gaps you find between pipe and wall. We got our neighbors’ cockroaches via the pipe gaps once.

  30. Snarflepants*

    Cat genetics people, my foster kittens need to know who their parents are! I’m fostering six kittens, and I’m wondering what their parents looked like. All kittens are long haired. Three are tortishell females. One is a brown (probably) Male tabby. Two, a male and female, are white seal lynx point with blue eyes. My punnet square genetics skills are a bit rusty. Though both parents had long fur, as that is a recessive trait. Both parents had blue eye recessive genes. The genetics for black fur and orange fur are carried on the X chromosome. Thoughts on kitten parentage?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I believe kitten appearance depends in part on womb environment. You can clone a cat and get a different appearance.

      1. Anon Here*

        That’s true for all living things! Environment, from conception on, influences the way genes are expressed (aka phenotype).

      2. anonhere*

        @Falling Dipthong That only applies to calico/tortie patterning; tortie/calico is genetic, but the process that assigns black or orange to each cell in the embryo is epigenetic. Any cat clone will have the same base coloring as the parent, it’s only the specific markings that come out differently.

        @Snarflepants I’m no expert, but I’d guess you’re looking at two different fathers, one a tabby and one either a Siamese mix or a Himalayan.

        1. fposte*

          Oh, that’s interesting! I know a bit about horse genetics (though some of it’s out of date), and it’s similar with white markings–whether the horse gets them or not is genetic, but the extent is not.

    2. Anon Here*

      You’re on the right track, but that’s not how it works. Recessive genes are not always expressed. They’re the type of gene that can be passed on without showing up as a phenotype. I’ll explain below.

      But first! Many traits are influenced by multiple genes. The punnett square model only applies to certain kinds of genes and even those can be expressed as different phenotypes depending on other variables. Human hair color – you could have two recessive genes for blond hair, which would, in theory, cause you to have blond hair, but not if you have another gene (inherited or by mutation – we all have some of those) telling your body to produce darker hair. It happens.

      Recessive genes are the small letter on the punnett square.

      Cat parents: Sl + Sl = SS, Sl, Sl, ll. Each kitten has a 1/4 chance of getting the genes for a long hair phenotype. The Sl ones could wind up with long hair if the S is not expressed (rare, but it happens). The SS ones will have short hair. Or an additional inherited gene or mutation could cause long hair.

      Sl + ll = Sl, Sl, ll, ll. Each kitten as about a 50% chance of having long hair, with the previously explained exceptions applying.

      These are odds that apply to each offspring. There could be a litter of seven long haired kittens that all got the 25% chance of having long hair – their parents were both short haired and carried a gene for long hair.

      Genetics are very complicated. The relationship between two parents’ genes and phenotypes -> their offspring’s genes and phenotypes is complicated.

      There’s no way to tell what the parents looked like. But, yes, you can make informed guesses. Statistically, there is a good chance that one had long hair and one had blue eyes, but it’s impossible to say for sure.

      1. Snarflepants*

        Given that all six kittens have long hair, it’s more likely that both parents had that genotype. Though yes, it’s possible that six kittens got the lucky 25% chance of having long hair.

    5. Mango*

      Do you know for sure if all kittens had the same father? Our vet swears my two cats must have had different dads even though they were born in the same litter. Apparently it’s common and cat uteruses are designed to accommodate multi-father litters.

        1. Anon Here*

          Do you know anything about where they came from? Were the parents house cats or feral? If feral, what kind of climate?

          1. Snarflepants*

            They are formerly feral kittens found on a farm and brought to an animal shelter. (Say that five times quickly). So I don’t know anything about the appearance of either parent.

            1. Anon Here*

              But that’s a clue! If the parents were feral, natural selection is a factor, as is the local gene pool. Often, there is less variety in the appearance of feral cats in a given area than house cats. In places where I’ve lived, the feral cats have tended to be short haired or long haired according to the climate, for example.

                1. Venus*

                  A big reason for the lack of colony variety, in my experience, is that it starts with only a few cats and they protect their territory, so they are all related. In some situations the colonies draw from a bigger gene pool (cottage country where people leave behind their cats in fall).

                  As these come from a feral colony, it is very likely they have different fathers, and with the range of colours I would guess an area with seasonal folks (cottagers) nearby.

    6. lasslisa*

      Well, if you’ve got tortoiseshell cats they’re going to have both Black and Orange on their X color genes, so you know their genetic makeup there. All three being torties and no black ones implies to me the dad was orange, though 1/8 or so chance they got the orange from Mom. If Mom was solid orange (homozygous) all the kittens would have some orange so we can rule that out. So probably orange dad, mom heterozygous black. Black is dominant so she must have also had another color gene to produce the brown brother.

      Now, the lynx point: this is its own mutation related to albinism, and the blue eyes come with it (not from the parents’ eye color genes). Looks like it’s recessive, so both parents have to have had a copy. Could be two dads, one homozygous for it and one without it, or one heterozygous dad. From the numbers I’d assume one (but can’t be all) of the parents was homozygous colorpoint. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Point_coloration

      Haven’t looked at the tabby gene yet and out of time for now but hope this is helpful!

      One dad is (O,Y)
      Mom is (Black, brown)
      And at least one of the parent cats (possibly both mom and one dad if the kittens have different dads) will have visible colorpoint, which would limit that color expression to the “points”.

        1. lasslisa*

          Oh, and if you just want to know how the parents *looked*, then you don’t need to know tabby or not because a black coat (mom) doesn’t really show tabby patterning and an orange coat (dad) is always tabby-appearing regardless of the genes. But there were some tabby genes in there because that’s how you get lynx point.

  31. Sorgatani*

    This week and month have been highs and lows.

    On the highs: Good Omens finally came out in physical format. It’s not perfect, but nothing really is. And I really enjoyed it. Go watch Good Omens!

    On the lows: I’ve had to deal with a few people whose social behaviour and topics of choice vex me greatly.
    The feeling of “I don’t have words to address what is bugging me about this interaction, and I don’t think the message would be received if I were to deliver it” has been overwhelming my headspace.
    Politics, relationships, and tone deafness, Oh my!
    So that was the start of the week. By the end of it, I’d told 2 people to stop raising certain subjects with me – it worked in the moment, but we’ll see how well my message sticks.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      One thing I have enjoyed reading here is that people are so good at putting things into words where I can’t find the words. I know my life is better for this experience.
      But, yeah. sometimes people can leave us really speechless.

    2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I binged Good Omens (streamed) this week and endorse your recommendation. A good mixture of funny and clever and stimulating.

      I have also had to deal with “why even are people like this” stuff this week and sympathise. However, we remember that there are many good, honest and kind people about. When people are sucking, I look for the goodies.

    3. Bilateralrope*

      I wonder what Terry Pratchett would have thought about that group who tried to pressure Netflix into not making a second season.

  32. families!*

    I signed up for the first time to buy a gift for a kid for the holidays, and the nonprofit organizing this said the max they are told to ask for is around $40. Now my request has come in and it’s an iPhone 6 and case…and well that is more than $40 and more than I can/want to spend. Or do I buy what looks to me as questionable ebay purchases? (granted I am not an ebay purchaser and tend to not buy especially electronics that way; maybe I’m just overprivileged). Did the adult worker who submitted the requests have a conversation with the kid at all? I hate to break the heart of a kid who is in a tough situation but I also am upset at being in this situation when I was trying to be generous.

    2. SigneL*

      Yes, I’d talk to the nonprofit. They really don’t want kids getting very expensive gifts, for a variety of reasons.

    3. Gift giving*

      Ugh, this same thing happened to me many years ago. The child’s request was for a game system (like a Nintendo, or Xbox) which was way more than what I had the budget for. In my case, the non-profit included a note that said they realized this was out of many people’s means and that I should feel free to buy a gift I thought the child would like that was more inline with my budget. So that’s what I did. But I can definitely empathize with your feelings – I had been excited to buy something for a kid and then felt like in the end I was letting him down because I wouldn’t be able to deliver to his expectations. I agree with the other comments, reach out to the non-profit to see what they recommend. I would expect they would advise you to buy something else instead.

      1. Gift giving*

        I’ll also add, that now as a parent I’ve had to on a few occasions have Santa bring something other than what was asked for, like Legos instead of a Nintendo DS, and my child was still incredibly happy. So even if you are not getting what was requested, try not to feel like you are letting the child down or anything. Sometimes we don’t get what we ask for, but we can still have joy in receiving a gift.

    4. Jdc*

      Wtf. I stopped doing these when the list was items each worth hundreds of dollars. A $1000 phone? Ya. So inappropriate.

      1. spock*

        An iphone 6 is much closer to 100 than 1000 dollars. More than 40 but it’s really not as out there as that

    5. Alex*

      The organization really should have shut that down. There’s a reason that they ask for the dollar limit–because kids open their gifts in front of other kids (family or otherwise) that also had gifts bought by someone else, and they don’t want wild differences between the gifts. But to that end, they need not let requests for iphones go out. When a kid says “I want an iphone” they need to be redirected. Any kid asking for an iphone can understand “woah, Santa has a budget. What else can you come up with?”

      I’d go back to the organization and ask for their advice.

      1. Washi*

        Yep! Or if not shutting it down, had the kid list some alternatives as well. (I just made a list like this with a client, and her daughter asked for an American girl doll, which is not the same level as an iphone, but still pretty expensive! I was like “let’s think of some other options in case Santa is out of American girl dolls…”)

      2. Clisby*

        Another reason I would hesitate to buy a cellphone is wondering whether the family can afford to keep it active. I might check into TracFone and see if there’s a $30 phone I could add a LOT of minutes to – but even then, the time will run out.

        Sometimes they ask for items where you can find a more affordable substitute – for example, Target sells knockoff American Dolls.

        1. That Girl from Quinn's House*

          Or that the family even wants the kid to have an iPhone. It’s possible the child is asking for something that their parent specifically said they can’t have, for reasons other than financial. A lot of parents don’t want their kids having a smartphone and unrestricted internet access…even rich ones.

    6. Goldfinch*

      This is why I quit participating in the angel tree at work. The wish lists were all Beats headphones and brand name eyeshadow palettes from Sephora. I can’t even afford that stuff for myself.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I had a terrible experience with this years ago, but I still do the angel tree because I’m a big sap. I also grew up pretty poor, so I remember what it was like to feel left out when school started up after Christmas and everybody was talking about their ski vacations to Vail and the $500+ worth of gifts they got for Christmas.

        Anyway, I “adopted” a family one Christmas. The mother sent me a list of requested items, including Ugg boots x four kids. I told her those boots are almost $200 a pair and would not be able to buy four pairs of them. I ended up getting them clothes, nail polish, board games, cosmetic sets, and so forth. I gave them the gifts, and then later that day, I got a nasty email from the husband saying his wife had locked herself in the bathroom and wouldn’t come out because I RUINED her Christmas with the wrong clothing sizes. I was like, hey, I shopped from the list she give me. It’s possible the brands I got ran small or big, but I did buy the sizes I was told to buy. My husband is convinced they were scammers who got ticked off that I did not buy them $800 worth of Uggs.

        Now I only do angel trees through recognized charities. (This adoption thing was done through an online community group, so there were no official organizers and nobody making sure everything was legit.)

      2. Nita*

        Same here. I came in 100% wanting to do something nice for a kid whose family is on a limited budget, but for the last few years, most of the requests were for ridiculously expensive stuff (none of it super necessary, either). I stopped when I realised these are the kind of gifts I can’t really afford for my own kids…

    7. fhqwhgads*

      I don’t know if this helps but an iPhone 6 is super out of date and a refurb can be had for around $100 via reputable retailers, not necessarily ebay. I realize that’s still well above what they told you to expect, but it’s still way less than if they’d asked for a current phone. If it’s still beyond what you’re willing to do I agree with others that you should contact the org and point out the discrepancy between the range they told you and how much the request realistically costs.

        1. CastIrony*

          Agreed, but it was $150 for my sister’s 6s two weeks ago. Perhaps the price went down since, but I agree this is a great idea if their parents want to pay the $45 a month for the service.

          Either that, or the child can have WhatsCall, which is an app that lets people make calls over wi-fi.

      2. ..Kat..*

        My husband replaced his 6 early this year. Most of his apps no longer worked. And Apple was no longer supporting the operating system so anything that did work was not secure (as in easy to hack). Plus, by now, the battery of a 6 is probably crap. Please go back to the organization and ask them to talk to the child about this.

        Maybe the child wants to use it just to text wherever they can get free WiFi? Which would not require monthly cellular payments.

        PS. I have an old iPod (I think 2 to 3 years old). Battery needs to be replaced – I think about $35 at BatteriesPlus. The screen and body are in excellent shape. I’d be happy to wipe it and mail it to you for free if this would work. If this appeals to you, respond to this comment and we can have Alison connect us.

        1. ..Kat..*

          Oops. My husband says his phone was a 5 not a 6.

          FYI, BatteriesPlus does caution that changing the battery always has the risk of killing the iPod.

          Offer still stands. Charger cable and plug included.

          Make sure the child knows many apps no longer work on it. Don’t want to disappoint a child.

  33. Twilight novels?*

    What age is appropriate to read the Twilight novels? I’ve never read them, nor seen the movies, though I have the general idea on what they’re about. My daughter found the first one in the library and started reading it. She’s on the younger side, but is a voracious reader and has already read stuff like the Hunger Games, Divergent series, etc. How different is Twilight in terms of age appropriateness?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Based on my daughter, now early 20s–I don’t think it has anything harder to deal with than Hunger Games et al. I would let her select library books and read what sticks–don’t set anything up as the forbidden fruit. What readers take from books can wildly vary, and I think this is even stronger for young kids. I read Heinlein and shrugged off the sexist stuff because dude was old, like even older than my dad. Parents have read the Narnia books to their kids and been amazed at the hammer-like Christian allegory that sailed right over them as agog 8 year olds.

      1. Clisby*

        I tend to agree. My daughter and I read the Twilight series (I think she was about 13) and we talked about what an idiot Bella was. I read plenty of “inappropriate” books when I was growing up, and haven’t been scarred.

    2. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      I’d say it’s pretty similar to the series you mentioned, and wouldn’t worry about her reading it. I think it’s always a good idea to ask your kids open questions about what they’re reading, what they like about it, etc. and that way you might be able to glean if there’s any stuff you want to unpack with her.

    3. Parenthetically*

      Former junior high/high school lit teacher here: I mean, the big deal with Twilight is how super-yikes the relationship stuff is — obsessive, stalkery, OTT, instantaneous, possessive declarations of love from an ageless vampire to an insecure underage girl, presented as kind of the ultimate or highest form of love, and showing the hesitations and concerns of others as obstacles to be overcome rather than information to consider. Content wise apart from that? Eh. The relationship element is really worth encouraging her to think critically about — and really, I think that’s an important aspect of a parenting relationship with a voracious reader generally, not censoring their reading too strictly, but helping them do a bit of analysis, especially with books where the young female readers are sort of meant to see the main character as an avatar for themselves.

      1. Washi*

        Yep, this! I don’t think the writing is great, but I’m sure this is not the only crappy YA book she’ll read. My real concern is about someone young reading the Bella-Edward story and finding it incredibly romantic that like, he’s obsessed with her and she regularly ditches her friends for him.

        Also, it can actually be really empowering to read something and to be able to articulate why the book’s assumptions are wrong. Reading something you dislike can clarify your own taste and opinions, and it would be a great exercise in critical thinking to discuss not just why Twilight’s relationships are unhealthy, but why it’s so popular, why teens and even adults love it so much, etc.

      2. Bagpuss*

        I agree – it’s a portrait of an abusive relationship, so I think that is a conversation to have with her, but I wouldn’t try to discourage her from reading it

      3. Arts Akimbo*

        Agreed. It’s incredibly disempowering to the teen girl being stalked by the over-100-y-o superpowered guy. It’s so toxic, basically she tries to run away from him at several points and he does things like sabotage her car to keep her at his side. I was disturbed reading that, especially because I could see myself as a kid growing up in a dysfunctional household thinking that was super romantic and really warping my view of adult relationships.

        If she reads these books, Twilight Novels?, please be prepared to discuss them with her. Ask her what she thinks of how Edward treats Bella. Ask her how she thinks the author treats Bella as a character.

    5. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      I highly recommend books by Tamora Pierce instead. Her female characters are strong, interesting people, that work to get what they want instead of sitting around letting things just happen to them. No vamps, but there is magic.
      She has a few ‘worlds’ – The Circle of Magic and the Tortal worlds.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Esther Friesner has done a number of books reworking history or mythology, like Nobody’s Princess about a young Helen.

      2. TL -*

        Or in addition. There’s nothing wrong with the twilight books as part of a well-rounded reader’s library. If she really falls in love with them, have some discussions about how a fantasy love story would play out differently in real life.

        Reading level-wise, they’re about the same as The Hunger Games and content wise I’d say they’re probably a little easier for a younger person – THG get fairly violent.

    6. Amy*

      Well, they’re terrible books with cliche and awful messages about women and relationships. Having said that, the age appropriateness is on par with the other series you’ve listed. Thematically, it’s less mature than something like the Hunger Games.

    7. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

      My parents didn’t monitor what I read, and I accidentally read…all types of stuff starting when I 10 y.o. in terms of sexually explicit material. I turned out fine (mostly.) I think it’s mostly fine with Twilight, as long as she doesn’t normalize the relationship dynamics in the book (which in my opinion are more worrying than sex stuff.)

      1. Not a cat*

        Same here (don’t do this), leading me to read “The Happy Hooker” (grabbed from my Mom’s bookshelf) at age 11. I don’t think I was damaged….I have vague memories of thinking “yuck!”

        1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

          Haha. I read that as a kid too and “Fear of Flying” too (the one about zipless f**ks). I also remember finding a book of erotica while babysitting and there was a story about a man pleasuring a woman with a cooked sausage (literal, not a metaphor)… that one may have scarred me for a while.

    8. Jules the First*

      My mum’s rule when I was a precocious young reader venturing into the YA and adult shelves, was that anything not a parent-approved “children’s book” had to be left on the coffee table overnight, which had the dual outcome of preventing me staying up late reading when I was meant to be in bed, and gave my parents the chance to skim what I was reading so they could raise any potential discussion points later.

      I would say Twilight is fine for anyone 12+, but I would also recommend they pair it with something featuring healthier relationships and strong women (Kelley Armstrong has some great YA paranormal stuff, just check individual books carefully as it’s often shelved with her adult stuff which is, erm, definitely adult.)

      1. Teacher Lady*

        I teach 6th and 7th grades, and I wouldn’t give them to my students (based on content/themes). I’d say 8th grade (13/14) or older.

    9. Jenny*

      I read them when I was 16ish (I binge read them during a hurricane). They aren’t inappropriate per se but as mentioned above, the relationships in them are icky. If it’s just one thing she’s reading, I wouldn’t stress it. Kids read a lot of stuff. If she really gets into it, read them yourself and have conversations about why what Edward does in the book would be a red flag in real life.

    10. Jen Erik*

      My daughter and her friends were about 14 when Twilight came out, and read and reread it. Some of them were voracious readers, some not.

      I was too old to feel the charm (my 16 year old was too old to feel the charm) but I thought a lot of the criticism of it was overwrought.

      FWIW, my theory at the time was that it was the same dynamic as boy bands – I can’t remember the research, but the idea was that teenage girls who crush on those boys are rehearsing adult feelings in a safe way – and, among my daughter’s friends, that seemed true of this book as well.

      Having written that, I’m now thinking that they were all a bit older – and prepared to relentlessly make fun of the creepy baby – by the time that Breaking Dawn came out.
      I read them because the kids were reading them, so this is an impression from some time back: I might have a look at Breaking Dawn before she reads it if she’s younger and at all sensitive. I’m wondering if some of the baby killing Bella stuff might be a bit much for a younger audience.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I recall something written by a parent overhearing a group of young teenage girls talk about some actor crush. One of them sighed about somehow dating him one day and the others were like “No; by the time you’re old enough for that not to be gross, you won’t be into him any more.” They could distinguish between things that were fun as a fantasy, but not a model for real life.

        Agreeing with others re part of a well-rounded library, and not assuming that kids must copy every relationship they read about, like they have no other inputs into what makes a good or normal relationship. I enjoy well executed heist movies, while believing that stealing is wrong in real life.

    11. Ann O.*

      A kid that can handle Hunger Games and Divergent will definitely be fine with Twilight’s violence. There is a lot of overt discussion about sex, however, and a sex scene in the final book. It’s YA-appropriate, but significantly more graphic than anything in Hunger Games (and I haven’t read the Divergent series). Depending on your daughter’s age, that could be an issue.

      In terms of the critiques of the relationship dynamics in the series, personally I think the critiques get overblown. A lot of YA is full of problematic stuff that doesn’t get processed as literal models (although some of it is just problematic) (like V.C. Andrews novels!). I don’t find Bella/Edward any more problematic than Buffy/Angel.

    12. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Based on my reading history – if she’s not old enough to handle it, she’ll either think it’s boring and stop reading, or it’ll just go over her head. Either way, don’t stop her from reading them. Because if you try, that makes it forbidden fruit and she WILL read them.

      However, I don’t like those books for 2 reasons. One, they’re really badly written. And two, the “ideal relationship” dynamics depicted are pretty screwed up. You can’t protect her from it – those screwed up ideals are all over, not just in a few books. But you do need to add what a healthy relationship looks and feels like to your ongoing conversations with her, along with sex, consent, etc.

    13. Drago Cucina*

      13/14 would be my recommendation, but I wouldn’t worry too much if she’s read the other books you listed. The scene that turned me against Jacob when he kissed Bella, she slapped him, and he laughed because it didn’t hurt him.

      But, I was reading Harlequin romances at that age and the sappy heroines didn’t turn me into a door mat. One book, or series, probably won’t shape her entire world view.

    14. Traffic_Spiral*

      Eeh… I wouldn’t *stop* her from reading them if she’s already got them. That just makes them Cool and Forbidden. I’d sit her down and be like “ok, so fiction isn’t reality, and in the real world, stalkers are dangerous, and it’s not healthy to have that sort of obsession with a guy (or him with you).” Then make sure she has lots of better books to compare it with.

      1. Scarlet Magnolias*

        I was reading my father’s Travis McGee series at ten, my grandfather’s Frank Yerbys (male bodice rippers) at eleven and rounded it off with Georgette Heyer. My mother used to hide the John Updikes and Harold Robbins on top of the refridgerator. Guess she never realized I could hop on a chair.

  34. Anony Mouse*

    Update re: kitty—we’re bringing home a Siberian kitty this coming spring. :):)
    Ordered a wicker vase doubling as a cat scratcher for the living room. Fancy but cat-friendly. Cat/dog allergies plus autoimmune condition but making our dream come true. Will donate to our local animal shelter too.

    What do you wish you knew about cats, that you learned only after getting one?

    Also, am getting blood tests for ankylosing spondylitis. Has anyone gone through that due to eye issues?

    1. Amy*

      Ooooh. Congrats!

      I can’t think of anything I wish I knew before getting a cat, but I can think of a couple things I wish I knew before getting my Siberian. They are much more dog-like than other cats. They generally want to be with you, but still be independent. They are also very smart – opening cabinets and doors, pushing buttons, etc. – and I bought a lot of treat puzzles for dogs to keep him engaged. They are also very large for a cat. A lot of cat sized things I got were too small when he was grown (and he was the runt of the litter). We needed extra large litter boxes made for Maine Coons, extra tall scratchers, heavy scratchers so they didn’t fall when he leaned his weight into them, and heavy duty cat trees or they would rock and topple when he took a running jump to the top.

    2. blaise zamboni*

      Yay, congratulations! I love that you’re making your space cat-friendly already, that’s awesome.

      For things to know about cats…every cat is different so it’s kind of hard to say, especially without knowing your prior cat knowledge. But one thing that really surprised me (over 10 years and 4 cats) is that cats are very routine creatures. My cats don’t know why I’m gone most of the week, but they definitely notice if I’m home on weekdays or not home on weekends (they love one scenario and hate the other lol). This tendency can be used to your advantage, especially for a kitten. If you establish certain times as play-time, grooming-time, rest-time, the cat will usually follow your lead. Just try to be consistent.

      I have no input on the medical side, but good luck! I hope you get a solution to your issues soon.

    3. StrikingFalcon*

      I have AS. Developed the eye problems well after my diagnosis, but the medications available completely eliminate them. I only get flare ups if I have to stop my meds for some reason. Anything in particular you are wondering about?

      1. Anony Mouse*

        Thanks, good to know. Posting late. but–
        1. Did you have any symptoms prior to diagnosis? Any family affected too?
        2. I heard methotrexate might be medication used, but isn’t recommended for someone who’s pregnant. Does one stop taking the meds in that situation?

        1. StrikingFalcon*

          Yeah, I’d been dealing with increasingly long and intense flare ups of pain in my back/hips for about six years before I got diagnosed. The pain and stiffness are worst in the morning and gets better with movement, and periodically I would have pain so intense I could barely walk with a cane, lasting from a couple of hours to a couple of days. The medications prevent those intense flare ups also.

          No family history of AS specifically, but other, related diseases on both sides. Crohn’s, ulcerative colitis, psoriasis, psoriatic arthritis, rheumatoid arthritis, uveitis, and fibromyalgia all run together in families – there’s some sort of genetic link between them.

          Tell your doctor if you are planning to become pregnant in the future so you can talk about what medications make sense to take, and whether it’s safe for you to continue during pregnancy.

          Methotrexate is a treatment option, but should not be taken if you are trying to conceive or are pregnant. There are other options though, including some immunosuppressants called biologics due to how they are made. Of the biologics, Cimzia has been shown not to pass the placental barrier, so may be the safest option, although actual studies haven’t been done on any of the biologics.

  35. FYI - female related question below*

    Good morning! I was wondering if anyone has ever experienced some crazy hormonal changes after a long vacation? I went on a huge trip – 21 days – and was moving around a lot (6 flights, 2 trains, long car rides, etc.) and ever since I’ve been back which was early October, my cycles and hormones have been effed up.

    I have had normal cycles with out any random bleeding or out of the norm PMS symptoms my whole life and now I’ve had sore breasts for 6 weeks, my cycles are way off, I’ve got an ovarian cyst the size of a lemon, cramps for the last 2 weeks, and I’m either 10 days early on my period or my cyst has ruptured and it’s leaking blood. My gyno said “your trip didn’t do that to you” but I’m sure the stress of travel + eating like I have the metabolism of a 10 year old + drinking daily messed up my hormones a bit. In my 32 years of life I’ve never experienced anything like this. No change in medicine or anything else.

    Anyone ever experience this?

    1. Gaia*

      I haven’t personally, but I wouldn’t be surprised.

      Travel like that can be stressful on your body (even if you feel very relaxed) and stress can mess with hormone levels.

      It is also possible that it is unrelated to the trip and just a coincidence. Most of my 20s I had very regular cycles with incredibly light periods. Then, when I turned 30, one month my period started early and lasted for two months straight. It was so heavy I was going through 6+ super tampons a day (compared to using light tampons). Gyno did a full workup and nothing was “wrong.” He gave me some meds to stop the period and I changed my birth control to the implant to stop all future periods. He explained that sometimes, around 30, women can experience sudden changes in their cycles with no known “cause.” Sometimes it goes away, sometimes it stays. For me, I wasn’t willing to risk it staying.

      1. Original Poster*

        Holy crap. I would think I was dying if I was bleeding for 2 months!!

        Oh women and aging…. so many fun things.

        1. WTF Aging*

          Ha Ha! Did you know you can grow larger breasts at menopause? And it is considered normal? I’m up a full cup size+ and had to buy new bras. And my favorite shirt can’t be worn to work anymore. I DID NOT EXPECT THIS.

            1. WTF Aging*

              Dr said it’s about 1 in 5 women get enlargement, so maybe you will be in the other 80%. I got a whole science lecture about it (I like my doctor).

              To get back on topic, when I was younger, I did I find that I had some cycle changes when I traveled internationally. Nothing as severe as FYI, but noticeable. I always assumed it was the diet and sleep disruption that did it.

          2. Tris Prior*

            Huh. In my case that would be a positive! So far perimenopause has totally sucked ass for me, it would be nice if something good came out of it!

            1. WTF Aging*

              I don’t know. Reading some medical studies seems to indicate that it is unless you lose weight. Then it appears that breast size is more sensitive to overall body fat content than before menopause. My weight has been pretty steady for years, so I’ll be running my own one person experiment.

    2. Chaordic One*

      I’ve experienced similar things, although never as severe as what you are going through. Gaia is probably right when she points out the stress you’ve been through during your trip. My only advice is be good to yourself now. The usual things. Get enough sleep and try to keep regular hours (no staying up all night and sleeping all day), eat right, stay hydrated and try to fit in some light exercise even it is only something like taking a short walk for 10 or 20 minutes.

    3. moql*

      I had a hormone change after my last trip, although nowhere near as serious as yours. I had acne problems for the first time since college thacwent away after a month or my normal routine and diet.

  36. Sunflower Sea Star*

    Kitties and Christmas trees….
    We’ve had one kitty for about 10 years, but he was a quick learner and after a few days the first year has never, ever touched a tree.
    This year we have a second kitty, only a year old, and she’s a real stubborn and persistent stinker.
    Any ideas for keeping her out of the Christmas tree when she totally does everything she knows not to do the minute our backs are turned?
    It’s a good thing she’s cute and cuddly, too. Because she sure can drive me crazy!

    1. Worked in IT forever*

      To keep her out, there’s always a squirt of water approach. That might only work if you catch her in the act, though, so that might not work for you. The squirt of water works on our younger cat, and in fact I just have to pick up the squirt bottle, and she knows to stop what she’s doing … and save that behaviour for when we’re not around! (She likes to “playfully” ambush our old, slow-moving cat and to scratch the furniture.)

      The only other idea I have for keeping a cat out of a tree is maybe using some tin foil around the base of the tree. Some cats don’t like the feel of foil on their paws. We used to use it to help keep the younger cat off the counter. You might be able to find some festive foil wrap that looks better than kitchen tin foil.

      You’ve probably already heard that tinsel is bad for cats (in case she does get into the tree). Also, we put only “safe” ornaments like wood and cloth ones within kitty reach. Glass goes higher up. But that doesn’t work if you have a tree-climbing cat.

      1. Sunflower Sea Star*

        The squirt of water is what worked for out older cat. This one, though. Stinker does what she pleases when you aren’t around.

    2. Aphrodite*

      If you have a real tree do whatever you have to do to keep her from drinking the water. Most pre-cut trees leach the pesticides and other chemicals they have been treated with into the water; it can be toxic. Whether real or faux, will it have flocking; almost all flocking is also toxic. Needles may be toxic too. I went with faux trees a long time ago just for these reasons.

      Given the “cats and Christmas trees” images and videos found online, I would suggest securing the tree to the wall. Even if you squirt her with water that will only work when she knows you are not around–as you know. Best to assume she will go after it and just plan on it.

      Maybe consider giving your new baby her own tree, faux, with cat toys and shiny unbreakable ball ornaments as decoration on it. Encourage her to go after that. Good luck!

      1. That Girl from Quinn's House*

        I keep the water level in the tree stand low enough that my cat can’t fit her head that far down to drink it, with the low branches in the way.

    3. Salymander*

      We have feral cats. They were pretty wild in their early years. We just put up the Christmas tree a week early (minimum) so they could get the mischief out of their systems. A fake tree works best for this as no water to spill. Then, put less breakable ornaments on bottom of tree, so the more breakable stuff doesn’t get messed up. Maybe put only less breakable stuff on the tree the first year, as there is a good chance your kitties will still try to scale that tree and whack ornaments to the floor in the manner of King Kong on the empire State building smacking down planes from the sky.

      1. Cat Herder*

        First year we had our crazy kitten, we only put plastic ornaments on the tree–bought a big tub–and just left it at that. the tree did get knocked over but nothing broken. Now the biggest problem is anything dangling on the first 4 ft. Always put the nonbreakable higher up.

        1. Windchime*

          This is what I did. My cat was 4 months old his first Christmas, and I just put all plastic ornaments on the tree. He kept climbing it anyway and I would just gently tell him no and help him down but honestly, you really can’t keep a kitten from climbing if they want to. He also chewed on the cords so I sprayed them with bitter apple spray which didn’t do much good. Tinfoil didn’t work for this cat, either. He’s now a grown up boy and is well behaved around the tree; however, I used to have a little calico and even at the age of 16, she would play with ornaments and bat them down off the tree.

      2. Sunflower Sea Star*

        She was feral for an estimated 12 weeks before going to the rescue we adopted her from. Been with us nearly a year. She’s already calmed down some but it pretty determined and persistent about some things.

    4. OtterB*

      We used to put our Christmas tree inside a playpen (kind with adjustable walls and no floor). We had the cat, and a large dog who wouldn’t damage things deliberately but whose wagging tail was a hazard. It worked pretty well. I’m sure the cat could have scaled the fence, but didn’t

    5. Dancing Otter*

      I have an artificial half-tree that hangs on the wall out of reach. I’m currently working on a wall quilt of a Christmas tree to replace it. Washable! Less bulk to store!

      We tried a standard artificial tree, but Cindy still tried to eat the needles, Taffy and Gracie climbed it, and others leapt at the ornaments. (No, not all at once; different generations of cats.) Everybody wanted to sleep on the tree skirt: why do you keep putting boxes in our bed, Mom? None of these behaviors was conducive to Christmas cheer, and I worried someone would get hurt.

      Our main decoration is the crèche on the coffee table. It’s low enough that nothing has broken yet when patted off. And the stable isn’t big enough for a cat.

  37. Kalico*

    Looks like nobody’s started a writing thread yet. How’s the writing going? I did 2000 words on my novel this week, but that was only two days writing – so I’m happy with word count but want to work on getting my butt in the chair more than twice a week. I also wrote a blog post, though. But the big news is, I’m taking a writing course! It’s for “intuitive” writers (those of us who have trouble with plotting, thinking linearly/rationally about stories) and it has been amazing so far. It’s so good to finally feel like I’m learning writing techniques that suit how my brain works.

    1. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Eyy, so glad you found a good course!
      I honestly didn’t get much done this week, unless you count making a powerpoint as writing :p.

    2. KristinaL*

      I’ve been reading about how to publicize a book, and I’m feeling discouraged. It seems like authors are expected to do a lot for publicity. Which I understand, except that since many authors have to have a regular job too, it seems like most authors have to find time to write, publicize, work the regular job, etc.

  38. K. Holly*

    I notice a lot of people have trouble doing something consistently that they love. Especially if that something costs money, or doesn’t make money.

    It can be hard to start something as well when you’re working full time, have kids, pets, no time.

    I saw my friends struggling and I started to write a guide on how I managed to make time to record my music. My friends have different goals completely, but the technique is to do a little bit a day.

    It sounds simple but it’s not?

    My question for you is:

    What questions would you have about this technique?
    What reservations?
    What excites you?
    What do you want to learn more about?
    Why wouldn’t it work?
    What do you think would help you?

    I hope that I can tailor my guide to something that people actually want that would help, which is my reason for asking these questions here.

    1. fposte*

      Ooh, what an interesting project, and what thought-provoking questions.

      My general responses:
      How is this different from general advice to do a little each day?
      How do I keep momentum up and find reward even if I miss a day?
      How do I handle creative components that need a deeper immersion than a short time frame permits?
      I’ve tried to follow a lot of tips before and found them unuseful, so I have resistance to the technique to overcome as well as fear of failure on the task itself. Any thoughts on how to help deal with that?

      I’m thinking how there’s a ton of advice about organization, but Marie Kondo, UFYH, and Flylady have managed to break out as systems that people actually find helpful. If you can find a way to do the same for time, that would be a big deal.

      1. Admin Formerly Known as Actor*

        Excellent phrasing, fposte! All of this is exactly what I was trying to say but couldn’t come up with words for, particularly your first and last questions. I feel like many folks have heard the “just do it a bit at a time!” advice, and for whatever reasons it doesn’t stick. So I’d need to see/understand that this particular technique is going to address that issue and make practical suggestions for overcoming it in the way you mentioned Marie Kondo et all have managed to do if I was going to read the guide and find it useful.

      2. K. Holly*

        Thanks for your comments! Very well put!

        What about their techniques do you appreciate over other works?

        1. fposte*

          I don’t follow most of them, but I know that they’ve made a big difference to people who’ve struggled with other methods. I suspect it’s approach as much as technique–you can have the best technique in the world but if you’re not presenting it approachably to the frazzled and jaded audience it’s not going to get anywhere. You might find it worthwhile to trawl reddit and other discussion forums to see what people say about them; for that matter, it would probably be worth looking at time management method discussions to figure out what’s different about yours.

    2. C Average*

      I think it’s helpful to always remember that people who write books about their productivity system invented that system based on their own lives, needs, affinities, etc. They are experts on themselves; with some experimentation, you can become an expert on yourself.

      Case in point: I like to sew and used to want to develop a more consistent sewing routine. I tried making myself sew every day. I tried setting goals related to specific projects. I tried talking to other people about sewing because I thought it would make me more accountable. None of this really stuck.

      When I moved in with my partner, our cats didn’t get along and we wound up confining my cat to the basement, where I have my sewing stuff set up, and now I sew every day because it’s a way to spend time with my cat. Could I in a million years have come up with a “system” involving these particular parts? Could I write a bestselling how-to book about crafting with your cat? Clearly, no.

      tl;dr = look at the moving parts of YOUR life and see if some kind of system emerges.

        1. C Average*

          I’m sure I thought I had a point at the time, but for the life of me I can’t make out what it was. I’m blaming the NyQuil/hot toddy combination, which did wonders for my cold but probably not much for my coherence. I’m sorry! Good luck with your project. It sounds cool.

        2. Owler*

          I read it as you, C Holly have found a system that works for you. Don’t expect it to work for others. Not everyone is going to be able to get into a routine of setting aside a little time each day. If it were that easy, all of us would eat healthy, balanced meals and be thin from daily exercise.

      2. Arts Akimbo*

        To be fair, if you did figure out how to write it, “Crafting With Your Cat” would indeed be an instant bestseller! Ideally, the advice would be sprinkled liberally with anecdotes from you and others about massive craft cat-astrophes that have resulted, along with the success stories.

    3. Jackalope*

      I personally found it helpful to come up with rules about when I can skip said thing. For example, when I was trying to do something on a weekly basis I would say that I could miss it if I was away from home at least 4 days per week. That way it happened most of the time but I could freely give myself permission to skip on vacation weeks or the horribly busy ones right before a Big Event with lots of rehearsals. For something I do daily, I try to connect it to something else. Maybe I do it when I’m on the bus, or it is my reading at dinner, or whatever.

  39. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    More Graveyard Keeper for me. I’m really liking this one.

  40. Crystal Smith*

    Anyone else use Plated and absolutely heartbroken that they’re shutting down? Admittedly I didn’t get a box very often, but they were my go-to when I was feeling creative or wanted to try something new. I had no idea anything was up until I got the email notice that they’re shutting down at the end of November! What other meal kit services are there that have the same level of complexity? I’ve used blue apron and hello fresh but their recipes tend to be a little simpler, imo.

    1. Ruby314*

      It’s been a long time since I used it, but I think the Martha Stewart/Marley Spoon kit is a bit more interesting than the ones you mentioned

    2. Dan*

      Never tried it. I’ve had my eye on these things, because I wouldn’t mind a change from time to time, but these services really, really want to lock me in to subscriptions with a frequency that just doesn’t work for me.

      I had a quick google, and it looks like Albertsons grocery acquired Plated and is putting their products in some of its stores for a test run. Now *that* is something I can get behind — I’d much rather swing by the grocery store and pick up a kit when I feel like it and get a couple of meals out of it. Although, sadly, from what I read, the test run is going as well as hoped for.

      The thing that really appeals to me with these kits is that cooking for one from scratch is super inefficient, and really wasteful if you’re not careful. Sadly, these meal kit services have yet to figure out a model that works for everybody. (E.g., if I have to pay shipping fees instead of wasting food, it’s not really an improvement over my current situation.)

      1. Crystal Smith*

        Sadly it doesn’t look like there any Albertson’s or other stores carrying the Plated kits anywhere near me, but if they ever do show up that would be great! And I agree about cooking for one – these were definitely a splurge but it was really nice to get, say, the 1 teaspoon of ground Thai lime leaf I need for a recipe and be done with it, instead of scouring the Earth to find a jar and only using it once.

    5. bo bessi*

      We use SunBasket every now and then and really like it. The meals are interesting, and they have a huge variety. It’s also great if you have a specific dietary concern (gluten or dairy free, vegetarian, paleo, etc.). It’s easy to skip when you don’t want one sent too.

  41. Jackie*

    Looking for family reunion activities. We haven’t had a family reunion in 15 years so it’s great a cousin is organizing one on their hobby farm. Any ideas on what to do ? I’d like to suggest something to the host that would be fun for all age groups. Also, I wondered if collecting our family’s health history would be ok ?

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      Scavenger hunt? Family-oriented, so people have to talk to each other? I’m thinking like, find the name of the person whose father served in wwii or something.

    2. LuckySophia*

      the national archives has a downloadable “Family Group Sheet” . If you google “family group sheet PDF” that should do the trick…the URL if you need it is archives.gov/files/research/genealogy/charts-forms/family-group-sheet-PDF. The form has spaces to fill in names of spouses/kids for each “family group (e.g., household), plus spaces to fill in things like occupations, military service, cause of death. It’s not the same thing as a complete health history, but it has the added bonus of helping to document the family history. And you can ask the eldest attendees for help in filling out group sheets for the ancestors who are no longer among you! (As a genealogist, how I WISH I had done this when my grandparents and their sibs were still around. But I was just a kid then…)

    3. C Average*

      If there’s a common area where people gather, set up a large jigsaw puzzle. It’s amazing the great conversations I’ve had with various people through the years while looking for pieces of sea and sky. I bring a new one every time I visit my folks.

  42. Rachel*

    I have a hair question and would love any advice! I’m naturally a dirty blonde, almost light brunette. I’ve been getting highlights for years and am never satisfied with the end color. I want to be BLONDE like Sophie Turner and I tell my stylist this and am always hiding my disappointment. I asked a previous hairdresser if I should dye my hair and then add highlights and she said the maintenance would honestly just be a lot for someone who doesn’t like coming in every six weeks on the dot. I got full highlights yesterday and I’m blonder but it’s not what I expected (not as bright as it’s previously been). I can’t afford to keep spending this kind of money when I’m not getting the results I want. Am I asking for the wrong things? Should I be getting a different treatment? Trying different hairdressers? I’m not sure what else I can try. Any advice is appreciated!!

    1. Thursday Next*

      It sounds like you’d need a double process appointment, which tends to be longer and more expensive. If you could do a consultation with the colorist before the appointment, you could lay out your ideas and get their sense of how to achieve them.

      I sat next to a woman at my salon who was going from black hair to blonde, and she was there for 7! hours! I was scared to ask about the cost.

    2. LuckySophia*

      My hair is similar in color to yours, and I’ve been getting highlights (and sometimes a 3-tone highlight/mid-light/low-light, depending on which stylist I went to) for decades. Your prior stylist is right, if you dye (overall bleach/color your hair) the maintenance will be A LOT. Just once in my life I had an overall blonde base color applied, then highlights on top of it. I began getting dark roots showing at the part, within 3-1/2 weeks, and by 6 weeks they were really awful-looking. So thereafter I went back to just having highlights put in to “blend” the !^#^$% roots as they grew out. That said, if you really want that Sophie Turner look, an “overall” color and lots of touch-ups may be your only option. But it seems to me, if your stylist focused a lot more blonde highlights in the area framing your face, maybe that would achieve the effect you want without the “overall” color???

    3. Anon Here*

      Definitely shop around and try different hair dressers. It’s like finding a doctor – there’s a wide range of quality and specialties and you need to find the right fit. If you’re unsatisfied with anything, don’t go back.

      Ask people where they get their hair done. It could be a win-win; they might get a discount for referring you. Compliment people on their hair. Obviously, you wouldn’t ask if it’s dyed, but if they volunteer that info, ask who their stylist is.

      Also, seriously consider doing it yourself after preparing with the right research and products. You can order the same products they use at salons. You just need to find good tutorials about how to do it right, and maybe have someone help you.

      I don’t see why they can’t get you to the color you want. Even the darkest hair can be lightened. The hard part is doing it in a way that’s healthy for your hair.

      I hope you can find a good stylist!

    4. Not A Manager*

      Why are you always hiding your disappointment? Maybe you could tell your stylist that you want to be BLONDE and that it’s not coming out the way you like. Ask him or her to experiment with you until you find something you like.

      I’m not a hairdresser, but I’m not sure about the maintenance thing if you do dye your hair and add highlights. I *think* there are ways to stagger the highlights so that root growth looks okay? Not like roots are never going to show, of course, but they’re planned for.

    5. Ruby314*

      Have you ever done any toning at home? That may help with the overall brightness and that way you don’t have to mess with the actual bleaching part, which can get you into real trouble, damage-wise. I have highlights that tend to turn brassy, and I tone at home between appointments and it helps a lot. I do have balyage and am trying to keep a lot of time between appointments for both cost and laziness reasons :)

    6. Hair Today*

      I have similar hair colour. Highlights will never get you really blonde – that look really does require bleaching the hair. Highlights just can’t make enough impact against the body of darker hair to deliver the BLONDE impact you are looking for.

      Stop hiding your disappointment. Describe exactly what you want then listen to your colorist. Getting that true blonde colour takes commitment and effort – you’ll need to strip your hair colour out and then colour it to the desired shade, and yes it will require a lot of upkeep. You will have visible regrowth – that’s unavoidable. It’s the cost of getting the look you want. Only you can decide if it’s worth it.

    7. Ludo*

      Are you showing them pictures of the blonde you want? If so they should really be doing a better job either explaining to you the process to get there (which could be a long, expensive process) or just doing whatever needs to be done to get your hair to what you want

      To me it sounds like you don’t need highlights but you need a bleach and tone where they bleach all of the hair in your head and then tone it to the shade that you want. This is high maintenance and you’ll need to go every four weeks to keep the roots at bay, but it will be a real true blonde, not just light brown hair with highlights (which is also nice! But sounds like there isn’t what you want)

    8. Parenthetically*

      1. If you don’t like coming in for touchups, keeping a full head of pale blonde is going to be… tricky. You’ll have visible regrowth, and with dark blonde it’s going to be a pretty hard line. And it’s not going to be LESS expensive to get your new growth re-dyed every 6 or 8 weeks. That being said…

      2. Adding to the chorus of “stop hiding your disappointment.” If your hairdresser isn’t doing what you want, you get to tell them so, because you are paying them! You have the right to be crystal clear about your expectations and get the results you want. It shouldn’t be difficult for a professional to go from dirty blonde to light blonde, for goodness’ sake — it’s not like you’re asking them to take you from jet black to white! Show pictures of Sophie Turner’s hair and say, “My goal is to have this color hair. I don’t want highlights, I want ALL of my hair to look JUST like this. Talk me through the process it would take to get there.” If they hesitate at all, find another hairdresser!

      If you want to call around to various salons, it might be helpful for you to be able to say, for example, “I have level 6 and 7 natural dark ash blonde hair with all-over 9 and 10 warm blonde highlights, and I want to lift it ALL to a 10G-12G, like Sophie Turner. Is that something your stylists feel comfortable with?” You can ask to see a hairdresser’s book, and lots of salon websites will have photos of colorists’ and stylists’ work, including before and afters.

      1. londonedit*

        I was going to say the same. I went blonde for a bit last year, and because my hair is also a very dark blonde we went for highlights rather than a full head of bleach, because with a full head you get a very obvious line of dark roots as it grows. My hairdresser did ‘babylights’ which basically means tiny, tiny little strands of hair being bleached, which blends the bleach into your own hair colour much better and doesn’t have such obvious regrowth. But! It took HOURS at every appointment, it was ruinously expensive, and it took about six months of having a full head of babylights every 6-8 weeks before my hair was super blonde all over. It did end up being very light, but it still wasn’t ‘full head of blonde bleach’ light.

    9. Jdc*

      Fanola no yellow. Read the reviews though, you don’t want to turn purple. It’ll change your life. Keeps my color going for months rather than weeks.

    10. Person from the Resume*

      Find a good hairdresser who will listen and do what you want.

      It does sound like you’ve been asking for the wrong thing – highlights instead of bleaching and toning. And if you don’t want to keep going back frequently then it may not be go you.

      But I think you should find a specialist who will do what you want. And if the maintenance of the roots is too much for you, you can just dye it to your natural color; you don’t have to grow it out.

    11. Ann O.*

      My instinct is that you should change hairstylists, but I’m also wondering what exactly you’re telling them. Because if you’re actually saying outright that your goal is to have Sophie Turner blonde and they’re not telling you straight up to do an overall dye and commit to maintenance, they’re not doing their job. Highlights are never going to get you from light brunette to blonde.

      However, it seems strange that at least two hairstylists haven’t told you this, so I’m wondering if you’re also really emphasizing the low maintenance aspect. Maybe they’re unclear about your priorities in the maintenance/color tradeoff.

    12. Horseshoe*

      I have this same issue. I hate how stripey the highlights look, and they weren’t giving me the overall blonder look I wanted. I actually ended up just using the store-bought dye kit. You just do an overall application, rather than trying to do fancy highlights. I find that it gives me that lighter overall look, but still has natural variations in hair color (i.e. the parts that were darker to start with don’t end up as light of a color as the parts that were lighter to start with.) I usually just do a shade or two lighter.

      Also, costs about $10 vs paying the stylist over $100 to give me streaks I don’t like.

  43. HannahS*

    Happy news, AAM crew, I’m getting married!

    (pause for the parade)

    So, in the months between now and the wedding I’ll be frequently crowd-sourcing advice from all of you. Want to give someone unsolicited advice? Have strong opinions about weddings you can’t voice in polite company? Did your friend royally mess it all up and you’re just dying to tell someone about it? LAY IT ON ME! Both he and I like research and are voraciously consuming wedding advice, so please share!

    This week’s topic: Announcing engagement. How did you approach it, and what did you learn? Any thoughts or advice?

    1. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      First, we hired our friend to take very affordable engagement photos. I wrote my parents a letter enclosed with our engagement photo, telling them we got engaged (in writing since my mom tried to force us apart for the past few years before that). I called my best friends and asked if they’d be bridesmaids. Much happy shrieking ensued ;D

      Then, I posted engagement photos to Facebook to tell friends/faraway distant relatives I haven’t seen since a decade ago.

      The only 2 tricky parts:
      1. Church friends/distant parent friends who wanted an invite (we only said yes to 2 since we paid for our wedding 100% ourselves and my mom always used to tell me to leave the now hubs).
      2. Planning a wedding 100% by ourselves because my mom was the overbearing/verbally unkind type

      1. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

        Also CONGRATS!!!!

        What I ultimately learned: there’s no pleasing people (my mom was pissed hubs hadn’t told them in person). But he did after the fact and we just bought a house and we’re carving up a nice life for ourselves so far :)

      2. Ruby314*

        I haven’t done it myself, but my friend said that getting engagement photos is one of the things that a lot of people skip for cost, but that she found it super helpful because neither of them was comfortable in front of a camera, so it was a practice session before the ceremony photos and she’s convinced she would have had disappointing wedding photos without the engagement session to warm them up.

        1. HannahS*

          Yeah, I’m pretty uncomfortable getting my photo taken, but I’ve heard that advice, and it’s probably a good idea!

        2. No Name Yet*

          Yes, 100% this! My wife and I HATE having our pictures taken, and the engagement shoot made such a difference. We then used those pics to make a guest book for people to sign – makes it extra fun for people to sign.

          Along with that, make sure you’re comfortable with whatever photographer you choose, since they’ll be following you around a lot that day.

    2. Glomarization, Esq.*

      First time around, we really only made some phone calls and I started publicly wearing a ring on my ring finger. We didn’t do special photos or announcements, other than the wedding invitations themselves, which were very traditionally designed. This was long enough ago (25-odd years) that engagement photos and “save the date” announcements weren’t yet super mainstream.

      Second time around, it’s not that we got married on the down-low, but we essentially had a courthouse wedding with the minimum number of witnesses, arranged very quickly after we got engaged. No photo session for the engagement, no “save the date” announcements. A few months later, we had a more public celebration with a few dozen friends. The invitations to that gathering served as engagement + wedding announcements, and we had fun designing them ourselves.

      While I’m not an extreme pennypincher, I do bristle at what I felt the Wedding Industrial Complex wanted me to think was “necessary” for the engagement and wedding. I don’t wear an engagement ring, and all I wanted to do was give our friends a nice party at some point, so that’s what we did.

      1. HannahS*

        Oh, I hear you on the WIC! There’s so much that my fiance and I have already talked being just…unnecessary. So much of it is just…stuff. Pretty stuff, a lot of it, but still just stuff.

    3. Purt’s Peas*

      Congrats! I don’t comment super often but I’ve been around for a while, and I remember you telling the open thread you had a new relationship :) So many congratulations!

      I got married really recently, and it was not stressful. My two biggest tips:

      – find ONE checklist/planning guide and stick with it. If something wasn’t on the checklist until next month, we didn’t worry about it until next month, even if my mom was worried about it :) it also saved me (cis lady) from accidentally running into self-esteem-destroying media by looking further afield. We used the A Practical Wedding guide :)

      – Get clear about what you don’t care about & set your priorities. For example, we wanted to have fun with our friends. So we prioritized having a substantial guest list over a super-fancy venue, or expensive photography. We didn’t care about flowers, so we didn’t have any.

      Good luck and have fun!!!

      1. Tortally HareBrained*

        Yes to APW! I haven’t followed the blog since we got married almost 8 years ago, but I loved it then and that the book was a realistic look at what you needed.

      2. HannahS*

        Thank you! I’m glad to hear of one person who did not find it stressful. I’m very into A Practical Wedding, and I am 100% with you on flowers. I’d rather have flowers on our table every week for our year, rather than spend that kind of money on flowers.

    4. LGC*

      If you’re doing an impromptu invite:

      1) don’t invite work friends when you have other work friends dogsitting for you.

      2) do it more than a week in advance if it’s black tie. Do it more than TWO weeks in advance, in case one of your last minute invites breaks his phone.

    5. Overeducated*

      Congrats!!! I didn’t announce engagement formally, just texted and called family and close friends, but I haven’t seen anything i found a huge faux pad, either. So no advice. Enjoy!

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Just food, music, and booze will make everyone happy. Oh, and no suffering in the elements – so no outdoors if it’s too hot, cold, or rainy.

          1. HannahS*

            Oh, so true! I was at a gorgeous wedding once in a greenhouse that was so warm, that even once it cooled off and the party was getting super fun, we were just too exhausted to stay.

    7. wandering*

      Congratulations!

      Best wedding tip I’ve witnessed: if you have a lot of people coming in from out of town, make plans to spend time with them separately from your local friends. The couple who introduced this to me made arrangements for guests to stay at a group rate at their venue, and asked them to stay a day or two after the wedding. The couple stayed elsewhere, but hosted a lovely (fancy) picnic lunch for the out of towners and got to have relaxed, friendly time with everyone. And those who hadn’t yet got to spend time with the other member of the couple after hearing happy stories.

      Honeymoon was after that, and the couple reports being well rested and relaxed as they headed off.

      General best tip: have the wedding YOU TWO want, and can afford.

      As for engagement announcements, my favorites have been excited phone calls or visitors.

      Have a wonderful time planning this together, and may it reveal a lifetime of happy collaborations ahead.

      1. HannahS*

        Good tip! We have a lot of guests (mostly on my side) coming from really far away. I’m lucky that I’ll have time off around the time of the wedding to dedicate to seeing them.

    8. Aurora Leigh*

      Yay!! Congrats!!

      I am also planning a wedding and posted a lot down thread on the how to save money on your wedding question.

      Lots of excited calls and texts and a few visits the day of to show off the shiny new ring. I think we put it on Facebook pretty late in the day, after all immediate family and closest friends had been told. But we didn’t do anything particularly formal to announce. Everyone (except my mother . . . ugh that is a whole other thread) guessed it would be coming soon as we have been together over 2 years now. One friend was slightly disappointed it was an engagement and not a new puppy announcement lol

      Love that we got engagement pictures done with our doggy and got to meet the photographer and get comfortable with her before the day of. Plus, seeing how great the engagement shots turned out makes me more relaxed about our wedding pictures. (I mean yes, she had a large portfolio online, but what if WE turned out be really horrible to photograph . . . That is how my brain works.)

      I liked Zola’s checklist best and have settled on using that one. Plus I like saying the app says do this in this month. It makes me feel less bossy! Plus I feel amazing if I get to check something off early lol.

      Have fun! But take breaks where you just don’t plan for a couple weeks (especially if you have a year to plan). Figure out what tasks your guy is interested and make sure he feels included. I’ve been surprised by the things he is interested in in the planning process!

      1. HannahS*

        Oh thanks! We have six months to plan and I’ll be out of town for at least a month of it, so we’re going to be moving pretty fast. But luckily my fiance used to plan large events at his old job, so the process is much more familiar to him than to me! What were the things that are surprising you about your partner’s interest?

        1. Aurora Leigh*

          I sort of delegated cake, music, and the honeymoon planning to him. He doesn’t care about decorations in day to day to life, but he felt a little left out when I ordered all the decorations for the picnic shelter without discussing it. He likes what I chose, but was worried he wasn’t helping enough.

          And I was originally just going to have the wedding party wear whatever (mismatched) but he actually wanted people to match lol

    9. Cora*

      I posted a picture on Facebook and Instagram the morning after we got engaged to “announce” it. We didn’t take formal engagement photos until months later. We called all the important people to tell them that night before we posted any photos. His parents, my grandparents, etc.

      Personally, I don’t think it has to be a big thing- that’s what the wedding is for, right? At least for us. Honestly I was uncomfortable being the center of attention, so I didn’t even really tell people. Most quickly noticed the ring or it naturally came up in conversation.

      But the most important thing is that you and your fiancé do what feels right for you! If keeping it to yourselves until you get nice photos is what you want, do it! Or send an email, or announce it in Christmas cards maybe!

      One piece of advice – as soon as you announce, there are some people who will then not leave you alone about wedding stuff (like when they will get their invite…) – be prepared!!!

      1. HannahS*

        A very good point! We’ve actually delayed telling people until some key deadlines in my professional life have passed, because I can’t deal with other people’s excitement until after they’re done.

    10. Loopy*

      CONGRATS! I didn’t put too much thought into announcing it but I did call my two/three closest family members, and texted close friends directly.

      I actually did not post it on any social media or actually ever post about the wedding and it was one of my favorite wedding decisions. I didn’t want people wondering if they were invited or noticing as it got closer that other friends’ comments were clearly making plans/getting excited to attend when they weren’t invited. I also didn’t want advice form people I knew (I much preferred strangers so I could ignore it without feeling bad/awkward) and especially not from family/attendees. I had plenty of excitement going on via texts and calls.

      I also was on wedding boards A LOT. This…. was not actually a positive experience for me. While it was a great way to immerse myself in wedding-land….it also gave me body image issues and stress/anxiety about my wedding that wouldn’t have been nearly as bad without it.

      1. HannahS*

        Oh I hear you about wedding boards. I started reading advice on Martha Stewart last night and came away with a stomach ache; it was so stressful! And one of the planning checklists I found was like, “Oh you’re six months out, better start your diet and workout for the wedding! Three months out, better start your skincare plan for the wedding!” It was so maddening. Were there any wedding boards you found helpful?

    11. Wicked Witch of the West*

      When I got engaged (48 years ago) engagement photos/announcements/parties were not a thing yet.
      My one piece of advice is regarding the wedding. Give your photographer a list of *mandatory* pictures. Assign a good and assertive friend (who doesn’t have other duties) to monitor that aspect. Our photographer was a friend who did the pictures as his gift to us. Although he had a list, he got hi-jacked by my MIL. We have photos of all hubby’s side of the family and random friends and neighbors of my in-laws. The only photos of my grandparents and aunt are in random crowd shots. I am still bitter 47 years later. It was a harbinger of behavior to come.

      1. HannahS*

        Oh, I’m sorry to hear it! It’s a good point. I’m not huge into photos, but I definitely want a picture of everyone who was there.

    12. ..Kat..*

      My wedding advice: To marry someone (legally) in the USA, you only need a license, someone who can legally perform the ceremony, and two people who are allowed by law to marry. I recommend the two people love and like each other. Everything else is icing on the cake.

      Best wishes for you both.

      1. HannahS*

        Thank you! We are not in the US and have a few more requirements to have a Jewish wedding, but it’s good to keep the focus on those few things that really matter.

    13. heckofabecca*

      MAZAL TOV!!!!!!

      When I got engaged (we staged it at a family d&d match), my SIL posted about it on FB… before I could call literally ANYONE. So just be mindful of which folks are likely to get pissy about not hearing about it from you personally XD

      I would LOVE to heap advice upon you, as someone whose wedding was, and I quote—from someone NEITHER of us are related to—”the best wedding [they’ve] ever been to.” Bridal party, order of events at the wedding, timing/location, flowers… esp if you’re still in the Boston area, I can recommend some places for you to check out for a variety of things :)

      1. HannahS*

        Thanks!!! Oh my, yes, please heap advice on me. I’ll be back a lot in the next six months, asking for it. We aren’t in the Boston area–we’re up in Canada. So true about letting people know. I think it’s going to wind up that most of the people who I’m inviting are going to hear it directly from me, via phone or text.

    14. That Girl from Quinn's House*

      Congratulations!

      My tips for the wedding are: 1. Videographer. We thought hiring one was a waste of money so we opted not to, but now we sort of wish we had a video of it. 2. Vendors and “etiquette” sites: A LOT of wedding websites and vendors will gaslight you into thinking you need crap that you don’t need. Don’t fall for their negging-based sales pitch, and keep shopping around if you encounter such a sales approach. The industry is sadly predatory, taking advantage of the fact that you’re not experienced in planning a wedding. 3. Family: I am sorry to say, both of your families will go completely insane between now and the wedding. Be proactive about setting boundaries, even if right now you don’t think you’ll need them. You will later.

      Good luck!

      1. HannahS*

        HAH! Thank you for the warning. We deliberately have put off telling anyone until some key deadlines in my professional life have passed, because I simply…cannot. As the kids say, “I literally cannot even.” So hopefully, once the OMG !!!PLANNING!!! starts, we’ll be ready for it!

    15. Arts Akimbo*

      I learned:
      Buy a wedding planning checklist thingy. Like seriously, a two-page checklist from a bridal magazine will do, but it is a huge headache-saver. It breaks things down by date, “1 year before- reserve venue. 6 months before- book caterer” stuff like that. It was amazing for my peace of mind!

      Be true to yourself! Decide what elements of a wedding you and your spouse-to-be need and want, and what you can afford, and to heck with what anybody else thinks you shoulda/coulda/woulda have.

      Don’t sacrifice your financial security for one day. Your marriage is more important than any wedding.

      Have fun! :)

      Task some kind friend with shoving food into your face from time to time. Somebody told me this advice as he volunteered for the mission, and I was like “pff, nah” but lo and behold, my friend’s proffered snacks saved my evening! It’s amazing how little one eats when one is worried about receiving and hosting a roomful of people. Seriously, I had a very low-stress wedding, and still I only ate when food was literally pointed out to me.

      Congratulations and best wishes! :)

    16. LizB*

      Woohoo, congrats! Welcome to the community of AAMers in the midst of planning weddings. :) There are 2-3 of us right now on the weekend threads, I think.

      I announced my engagement in the following ways:
      1) Texts and calls to immediate family, close friends, etc. within about an hour after the actual proposal
      2) Posts on Facebook and Instagram a little while after that, on the same evening as the proposal
      3) Going “I got engaged!!!!” in response to the most innocuous “how are you?” questions from coworkers until the whole team knew through the grapevine — took about a week after the proposal
      4) Going to my family reunion and introducing my partner as my fiance until my aunts realized what I was saying and flipped out with happiness

      Item 4 was unintentional — I assumed my parents were going to spread the word to the family grapevine, but they didn’t, so there were surprises. Going off of that, my advice would be to be super clear about what you hope your parents (or other people you tell very early on) will share or not share with the rest of the world.

      1. Morning Reader*

        Perhaps too late to get a reply here, but Paul, what were you doing at this game, and why did you have your shirt off? Everybody knows Paul Bunyan is a lumberjack so of course he wears plaid shirts. Why was PB topless and what does he have to do with football? (Is this some State thing? I know they have a forestry program but are they now offering a degree in lumberjacking?)
        I had the game on mute (except for the playing of the Victors after each touchdown) so if this was explained, I missed it.
        Oh, and Go Blue :)

    3. Type 2*

      Buckeye friend here…always root for Sparty as we share a profound dislike of That Team Up North! Get ‘me next year!

  45. Why isn’t it Friday?*

    Hi everyone! Apologies if this has already been asked. Does anyone have tips on how to save money planning a wedding? Partner and I are about to get engaged and I’m finding the thought of planning an expensive wedding very daunting. Thanks!

    1. Ranon*

      I’d say be realistic- multiplication is a bummer, even if you wanted to take 250 people out to Taco Bell it would still cost a pretty penny. You don’t have to spend tons of money, but there are limits to how far a dollar will stretch, too.

      1. Overeducated*

        This is so, so true. We tried to focus on just the very basics that were essential to us: venue that would fit our guests, dinner (catered), and drinks (beer and one cocktail bought in bulk from liquor store, but we had to pay for a bartender). Even without decorations, flowers, photography, etc, space, seating, food and drink alone was in the 5 figures. Because it was for 120 people. A 60 person wedding would have been half the price.

    3. Parenthetically*

      Offbeat Bride and A Practical Wedding, for sure.

      There are tons of things you can tweak to save money — a cake and punch reception, for instance — but the major thing I’d say is NEVER SAY THE WORD WEDDING when you’re asking about venues, flowers (we didn’t have flowers, actually), catering, cake, etc. The price will double or triple the second a vendor hears the word “wedding.” Say “event.”

      1. Lucette Kensack*

        No, don’t mislead your vendors.

        First, they have a right to upcharge for weddings. But beyond that — they’re going to find out when they arrive at your wedding, and they’ll be right to be angry.

        1. Not A Manager*

          Why do they have a “right” to upcharge for weddings? Of course people can charge whatever they want, but why is the customer obliged to reveal what they want their flowers for? And why would the vendor be “right” to be angry that they didn’t know in advance what your flowers are for?

          1. Lucette Kensack*

            Vendors have the right to set whatever price they want, and it’s perfectly reasonable to be angry with a customer for lying in order to manipulate them into offering you a lower price.

            But I mean, if you’re cool with lying to get a better deal for yourself, I don’t think there’s much I could say to convince you otherwise.

            2. Not A Manager*

              Why on earth would that be lying? “I need flowers for a party” is completely true, whether it’s for a wedding reception or a child’s first birthday.

              Actually, “I need flowers” is completely true, whatever they are for. “I need flowers, how much do you charge for flowers, cool here is my money for flowers” is really all the vendor needs to know.

              If you’re talking about “lying” and “manipulation,” it’s pretty manipulative to hear the word “wedding” as a vendor and then jack up your base price. I understand what other people are saying about wedding standards being higher than normal party standards, but if a person is willing to accept normal party quality, I don’t see why they shouldn’t pay normal party prices.

              And most of the wedding markup isn’t for additional service and quality. It’s just taking advantage. Similar to jacked-up funeral prices.

          2. LilySparrow*

            Vendors customarily charge more for weddings because they are more trouble.

            1) The majority of wedding couples have never planned a large event before, and therefore have both unrealistic expectations and a harder time making important decisions in a timely manner.

            2) Weddings are more likely to get changed or called off than, say, a corporate event. Even with a nonrefundable deposit, the vendor loses money.

            3) Weddings involve people in a highly emotional state, and often combine bad blood with too much alcohol. You get everything from bridezillas to high-maintenance in-laws to physical violence. Not all the time, but often enough that you need to plan for extra prep time, extra last-minute changes, extra cleanup, breakage, and extra insurance.

            Many businesses have a PITA fee for certain customers or types of work. And weddings are a Pain In The Ass.

        2. Dan*

          I have to imagine this stuff is akin to looking at flower arrangement guides or something like that where if you say “wedding” they point you to the wedding arrangements with the upcharge, but if you say “event” they point you to the event arrangements that are cheaper and have very minor differences in the arrangements.

          If I choose to have the “event” flowers delivered to my wedding, no, the vendor isn’t “entitled” to be angry because I didn’t order the “wedding” flowers. Disappointed that they missed out on a cash cow? Sure. But angry? Nope.

          Similarly, I can imagine renting an event space where “wedding decorations” are provided by the event planner for a big upcharge. And when one says “nah, we just need the space, we’ll do our own decorations”, the event planner isn’t entitled to be angry because I didn’t pay (and ask for) over priced “wedding” decorations.

          Same with cakes. If I don’t want a “wedding” cake, I’m entitled to buy whatever cake I want and put whatever toppers on it that I bought for cheap off of Amazon.

          The vendor should know about “wedding” if it’s material to their preparation of the event. If not, then no, they’re not entitled to sell marked up services and get angry when people don’t want to pay the asking prices.

          1. Parenthetically*

            The vendor should know about “wedding” if it’s material to their preparation of the event. If not, then no, they’re not entitled to sell marked up services and get angry when people don’t want to pay the asking prices.

            Exactly. I mean, isn’t this exactly how capitalism works? You charge whatever you think you can get, but if people don’t want to pay that, they’re going to find a way to get around it?

            The way we saved money was by not using vendors at all — and that’s how most of my friends have had budget weddings. Renting a small-town church hall or community center and doing the decorating themselves, buying the flowers from a wholesaler for pennies and making simple bouquets themselves, ordering catering from a favorite local place (which they’re “allowed” to do because the venue doesn’t force you to use one of their $$$ vendors — that’s a HUGE scam right there), etc. I’ve had other friends do a simple courthouse ceremony followed by booking out a private room at a favorite restaurant and just picking up the tab at the end of the night. One friend’s wedding and reception were at the rooftop bar/lounge area of their favorite restaurant and it was SUPER reasonable — the couple and their families did all the decorating, the restaurant did a couple of custom cocktails and mocktails and a set menu. It wasn’t a “wedding venue” and they didn’t upcharge, because their main business was just… being a restaurant.

            1. Lucette Kensack*

              No, that’s not how capitalism works. Vendors set a price and you decide whether or not to pay that price.

              Obviously cheating happens in every economic system, but that doesn’t make it right. (If we were talking about something that could or should be considered a fundamental right, like food, housing, health care, etc., then there’s an interesting conversation to be had. But nobody has a right to inexpensive wedding decorations.)

              1. Dan*

                You’re using really strong language here. Where are you getting this impression? Unless I’ve signed a contract that says my “event” flowers won’t be used at a “wedding”, then I’ve cheated nothing. And if I have signed a contract, then the other party can take me to court for breach of contract and ask to enforce the remedies set forth in the contract.

                And capitalism allows me to not sign that contract in the first place if I don’t like it.

              2. Not A Manager*

                But in normal capitalism, vendors don’t set their price based on how the customer is planning to use their purchase. If I go to buy a toilet, there’s one price for the toilet no matter if I’m going to use it in my bathroom or if I’m going to use it in my installation art. “Oh Mr. Duchamp, you’re going to frame that toilet? I’m sorry, now it will cost you a million dollars” said no True Value ever.

              3. Sunflower Sea Star*

                I think the cheating (to use your word) is chargine three times as much for the same space for a wedding as for something like a retirement party. The venue doesn’t grow extra square footage.
                This is price gouging, and it’s not “cheating” to avoid being gouged on prices like that.

        3. Parenthetically*

          Framing this as a “right” seems very odd. Why do they have a “right” to charge me triple for the same exact flowers or cake or sandwiches that outweighs my “right” to say “hey I need some floral displays, how much”? Why should I have to sit through a florist’s sales pitch and spend a thousand bucks for a “bridal package”? If I want a simple, elegant, tiered cake for 80 people, why should it cost me $750 instead of $200?

          1. Lucette Kensack*

            I don’t know what to tell you. Vendors can set whatever price they want. Your right is to reject that price and purchase from somewhere else that fits your budget and your preferences about how you want to be treated as a customer.

            I also think — based on my own experience planning events professionally, as well as my own small, relatively inexpensive wedding — that the idea that vendors upcharge significantly for weddings is mostly a fiction.

            1. Dan*

              I had a feeling you worked in event planning in some capacity.

              I have to ask though, if you think that wedding upcharges are mostly a fiction, then why does it matter if I book the “event” package as opposed to the “wedding” package?

              1. Lucette Kensack*

                I genuinely don’t know how to answer your question if you’re just comfortable with lying to vendors in order to get a better price.

                What matter is that you are honest to the people you are doing business with. That’s it.

                1. Parenthetically*

                  I find myself agreeing with you so often here, Lucette, but I just do not get this. It’s not “lying” to say “I need flowers,” or, “I’m planning an event.” And if indeed the inflated prices for weddings thing is a myth, then there’s no reason to concern yourself with what sort of event people are having and whether or not they’re lying to you, nor to become “angry” if you find out that their event is a wedding.

                2. Dan*

                  Me calling up and ordering the “event flower package” for my wedding isn’t lying. It’s ordering the “event flower package” which is 100% true. “Wedding” is only going to get mentioned if you bring it up, and then I’ll tell you it’s none of your business what kind of event I’m having. and that I just want the flowers.

                  If the “wedding” markup is a fiction, why do you even care what kind of event I’m having?

                1. Lucette Kensack*

                  I’m afraid you’ve got that wrong. I work in nonprofit leadership development. I hire vendors; I’m not a vendor myself.

                3. Lucette Kensack*

                  Ethyl, I’m not sure what your question marks are about. I run leadership programs. I plan events for them. I hire vendors, but am not myself a vendor.

            2. Traffic_Spiral*

              “I don’t know what to tell you.” Yeah, I’d say that’s pretty obvious.

              And btw, no. Capitalism is not “seller does what they want, and consumer bends over and takes it.” Good Faith is an obligation that hits both sides of the aisle. Further, “Free Market” means people get to choose what they want to buy. If you decide to offer one bouquet for $50 and one for $100, you can either show customers a good reason why the $100 is more expensive but worth the expense, or accept it when they go “nah, the $50 one seems fine.”

              What you can’t do is put up a huge markup, refuse to give a single reason why there’s that markup (other than “but I waaaaaaant to”) and then expect people to go “oh well, I guess there’s nothing else I can do but accept the markup.” People are going to go “uh, no, that product sounds like a terrible deal, I’m going to get something else.”

              1. Lucette Kensack*

                Right, that’s what I’m saying. Go somewhere else if the vendor you’re working with charges an amount that is unacceptable to you.

      2. Amy*

        The “event” trick is only worthwhile if you’re organizing everything and have a flexible schedule. If you’re expecting the vendors to keep to your timeline, organize anything even slightly extra (champagne toast, a cake cutting and serving, ensuring corsages are still fresh at ceremony time rather than pick up time), or be prepared for “wedding” type issues, and you failed to inform them, you’re on your own. So when your cake is damaged during delivery and they replace it with something random because it’s just an “event” and not a photography ready cake for your wedding cake cutting, you’re probably SOL under the contract. Wedding pricing is usually more because people expect more. If you’re totally okay with whatever happens and can handle everything yourself, have at it though.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Yeah, our wedding was super low-key, so the idea of a lot of this stuff is just… bizarre to me. My folks picked up the catering, I made most of the appetizers, my father-in-law bought beer and bourbon, my friends decorated, that kind of thing. If you want the exact wedding Midge Maisel had, then you do you, mazel tov, have fun burning through 30 grand.

          But having seen some of the upcharges and restrictions “wedding packages” have, it’s truly beyond just “people expect more,” IMO. You want to get married in this historic barn? Well you’re only allowed to use this florist whose bridal packages start at $1200 and this caterer who charges $40/head minimum, a champagne toast is going to set you back $25 per person, you must use our waiters and you must have a minimum of four for a minimum of six hours, you must hire our wedding coordinator for $500, our DJ for $300 (plus the deposit on his sound system) etc. etc. But if you want to book this historic barn for your event? Cool, on the date you want prices start at $800 + cleaning fee for a 4-hour event with options to add more time, and here’s the price list if you want to add chairs, tables, a sound system, kitchen access, etc.

          1. Amy*

            I’ve organized a huge number of non-wedding events, and I’ve never encountered a venue that had that type of divide in events. I’ve seen those with different rules for events with and without a bar, over and number a certain number, with and without self-catering and handling your own decorating, and plenty that required everyone to use their preferred vendors for everything. I’ve literally never seen a setup like you describe, but if it’s there, I can see someone exploiting it.

            I also know two wedding planners, and I’ve seen that “wedding” stuff from vendors is literally different stuff from what I get for other events. The only explanations I’ve received (and to be honest, I’ve rarely asked), is that the smaller/less expensive/less long lasing/less photogenic/normal quality items used for “events” is not what most “wedding” customers expect. E.g., the florist makes me centerpieces that look good during an hour or two during dinner at the event, but the “wedding” customer wants them to look perfect from set-up the night before until the bar closes at 2am the next day, and to photograph flawlessly, and to be exact colors that may or may not be locally available that week, etc., so they don’t even try to offer “event” flowers for a “wedding” because the customer probably won’t be happy with it.

            If hiding the “wedding” aspect works for someone, great. But from what I’ve seen, they’re still going to get what they pay for.

            1. Parenthetically*

              Maybe some of it is regional? Just about every place I looked at when I was planning a wedding had sharp divides like that.

        2. Jenny*

          Im very much a hobby florist and did my own wedding flowers. However, I did a ‘amateur to professional’ florists course and one of the things they emphasised was that wedding flowers must be perfect, which means ordering more than you need so you get the timings of buds opening etc. I bet there’s other things like this where a wedding costs more because you’re doing more.

          1. Filosofickle*

            I always figured this is why wedding stuff is more expensive. Sure, vendors may also be taking advantage of what people will pay. But IME there is a much higher standard of perfection at weddings than other types of events, and the host (bride) is way, WAY more demanding. Not all brides, but lots of them. The event is going to require more attention, higher end goods, and more risk, so the cost is greater.

        3. Traffic_Spiral*

          Yeah, pretty much this. Now, yes, there are always some people who try gouging, but for a lot of them it’s “you want your special day to be perfect, and also want me to deal with your freakouts, your best man’s fuckups, the drama going on between your mom and your bride over whether I use lilac or baby’s breath, your rants-when-she’s-drunk aunt, and the bridesmaid’s ex who’s gonna burst in here randomly? I’ma charge extra for that.”

          1. AnonLurker Appa*

            +100000

            I work as a musician for funerals and weddings. Weddings are reliably 50-100% more work – advance admin (lots more questions and email time, because people are anxious about it being 110% right), choosing tunes, learning special request tunes, arriving extra early, tuning up in a place that preserves the surprise, etc

            1. Avasarala*

              Yes, weddings are just more involved. If you’re picking up flowers and having your brother arrange them on the tables and having your cousin do the catering, OK, lie about the nature of the event and you get what you pay for. If you want experienced professionals who are going to do a good job, coordinate with each other and with you, etc…. you get what you pay for.

      3. Aurora Leigh*

        I think this interesting, but I haven’t tested it personally. I think it makes sense if you are picking stuff up yourself, but less sense if things are being delivered. And a lot of it might just be upselling techniques more than anything else. Like if you call a Baker and tell them you want a round cake and 40 cupcakes, they’ll just sell you that. But if you say it’s for a wedding, they might talk you into adding various decorations and toppers and a stand and it will cost much more.

        But I do think if the vendor might have to deal with wedding drama in any way (difficult mother or MIL, for instance) well they’ve earned their surcharge.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Joking-not-joking: elope. Hah. We took a vacation to Las Vegas, as we have done several times before, and this time took 15 minutes out of the middle to get married. $350 for the wedding ceremony, $85 (I think) for the license, and $600 to take a dozen people out to dinner afters. (I had expected that bill to be a couple hundred higher, admittedly.)

      1. Dan*

        Heh.

        I joke that of all of the regrets I’ve had about getting married, the wedding itself wasn’t one of them.

        We did the Vegas thing too, but did plan everything ahead of time. We rented a wedding chapel (it was legit) in one of the hotels, took 20 people out to dinner, had a night on the town, and the whole thing was $3k including our flights and what not.

        Vegas is totally the way to go (seriously) for smallish weddings where renting event space is impractical.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          We did actually plan it ahead of time, haha. We got married at Luxor. But there wasn’t actually any real planning, other than making the reservations for the chapel and dinner and picking a color for flowers. :)

      2. CupcakeCounter*

        I did the not so planned out elope. Hubs mentioned it before we left but I didn’t think he was serious but brought all the required paperwork just in case. We got hitched and our 17th wedding anniversary is next month. No Elvis but our minister did marry Britney Spears to her first 55 hour husband a few years later.
        We weren’t even engaged.

    5. Not A Manager*

      My husband and I had a lovely wedding a few years ago. It was a second/third marriage for both of us, so between us we’d had some experience.

      My thoughts are that the big trade-offs are “your time” vs. “your money” and “invite everyone we like” vs. “invite everyone we love.” We designed and printed our own invitations, I made our chuppah myself, my husband provided the soundtrack for most of the event. I would have been happy to self-cater, but INEXPLICABLY my entire family vetoed that. It would have saved money, though!

      And then the guest list is key. You have much more leeway in the choice of venues if you have a smaller party, to say nothing of the fact that you’re paying for fewer people. If you choose to have a smaller wedding, don’t let other people guilt you into shoehorning more folks into it. If you choose to have a larger wedding, then allow yourself to be happy that you’re having all the people you care about, and don’t insist that you have to feed them filet and caviar.

      Finally, BOOZE. If you choose a venue that allows you to provide the booze you will save a bundle. Our wedding was in our backyard, but many “event spaces” will let you BYOB. Many more will not, so take that into account.

    6. SigneL*

      Husband and I were married in the minister’s study with only our parents there, so no actual wedding (still married 36 years later). If I were doing it again, I’d have a morning wedding with a brunch. There are lots of places to get a gown for less (decide on a budget for the gown and stick to it!). In fact, decide on a budget and stick to it, period.
      I didn’t have a bouquet and missed that. I also didn’t have a cake or photographs. I really think having good photographs is worth it. No one is going to remember the cake, but you’ll always have the pictures.
      Final thought – it’s not a competition. You don’t have to have fancy napkins or table decorations. (I’d also recommend keeping the wedding party small, and forget about expensive bachelorette parties). Best of luck!

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yep, my only regret is not having more photos. We had a couple friends with good cameras who ran around and got candids, and they’re great, but I do wish we had more “traditional” wedding pictures.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Know thyself. We got six pictures included with our wedding package and have never printed or even looked at them because neither of us is much of a picture person, so be realistic about what’s important to you! :)

        2. Filosofickle*

          My parents, who’ve been married more than 50 years, only had candids, too. While I don’t think they ever cared *I* wish there were better photos!

      2. Clisby*

        Not sure why you think getting married in the minister’s study wasn’t a wedding, but maybe people have different definitions. My husband and I were married at the courthouse, and that was a wedding. The reception/dinner thing is just a party.

    7. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Mutually decide what your budget is, draw up a plan, and stick to the plan. Mr. Glomarization and I kept it to $5,000 by having a relatively small gathering, having it in a local restaurant, and going really austere on the decorations. And we kept each other in check by reminding each other, like, we can hire some music, or we can create our own playlist and put the money we save into adding 3 more couples to the guest list.

      We saved a little on booze by paying for our guests’ beer and wine, but having them buy their own liquor/cocktails. We didn’t want to make it totally a cash bar, but we wanted, again, to be able to have a good number of people at the restaurant.

    8. Amy*

      Working on planning now. The best trick is to invite fewer people. We’re keeping it to our nearest and dearest. There’s a massive difference between 20 and 200 people when basically everything will be based on attendance – venue size, meals, drinks, etc.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Yep. You can have a fancy party for 25 or a modest one for 75… we invited around 100, ended up with 80 or so. Did a Saturday morning ceremony and noon reception with heavy appetizers, dessert table and open bar. Also saved money by printing invitations at Office Max, doing our own (fake) flowers for the chapel, running a playlist instead of a dj, and only paying a photographer for the morning. I do kinda wish we’d kept the photographer longer, but my uncle took some of the reception photo duties.

    9. DrTheLiz*

      So I’d definitely agree that there’s a time/money tradeoff – the more time you can put in the more money you can save (at least to a point). I was lucky in that there was a family wedding dress that looked lovely on me, but for the rest we did a register office (courthouse? Civil, anyway) ceremony, which provided seats for guests and a photo area for about £50, then hired a nearby theatre basement for the reception. (Not a wedding venue, did allow outside food and wine). We had a brief cocktail bar with Pimm’s, then champagne toasts and wine on a side table with a buffet meal – bread, cheeses, veg etc. We were also lucky enough to be near a flower wholesaler. If you’re in a city I would definitely recommend looking for one. We got up at 5am the day before the wedding and got fifty beautiful pink-and-yellow roses for £1 each, which when combined with some stolen garden greenery and my decade-old flower-arranging class gave us a bouquet, buttonholes, corsages and a rose for every table and all for easily a fifth the cost of the same flowers from a florist. Total cost of the wedding was around about £900 for around eighty guests. Not all of this will be practical for you, of course!

    10. catsaway*

      I second the other recommendation to look at A Practical Wedding (website, but there are also a couple of books). The recommendation there is that you and your partner sit down and each write out your top 3 priorities and see how they can be combined into an event that will make you both happy. Then you figure out your budget and go from there.
      In regards to saving money, there aren’t any magic tricks. Feeding people is expensive, event spaces can be expensive, buying formal clothes is expesive etc. Any budget wedding you read about online is going to involve some combination of (1) not providing a full meal, (2) a small guest list and/or (3) free labor – yours or your friends and families. You and your partner will need to figure out what sort of event will work for you and your families.

    11. Lucette Kensack*

      So aside from my stick-in-the-mud views on why you shouldn’t lie to your vendors to save money, here are the lessons I took from my own wedding:

      1) The main thing that impacts your cost is the number of people you have. There is really no getting around it; hosting a large number of people costs a lot. For us, just renting a physical space that could have held the number of people we thought we needed to invite would have blown our budget.

      2) Don’t sacrifice the comfort of your guests for your budget (or your aesthetic). When I look back on my wedding, the things I wish I could do differently were around being a better host.

      3) Soooooooooo many wedding accouterments don’t matter, aren’t noticed, or are forgotten immediately. Wedding programs, chair decorations, centerpieces, favors, etc. We skipped a lot of these things or did very simple versions of them, and it was still not worth the money or mental energy.

      Some small practical suggestions/things we did:

      1) Don’t have a tiered wedding cake. They cost a fortune, and all you get from that is a photograph of a wedding cake. We bought an assortment of fancy cakes and pies from a local bakery.

      2) Choose a venue that doesn’t require decoration (or a time of year, like Christmas, when venues will be decorated anyway). We got married in a former library on an island; the views out the windows were our main decor. The reception was at a B&B; the charm of an old Victorian house was our main decor.

      3) We used a reception venue where we could provide our own liquor (and in doing so we didn’t need to hire a bartender; the downside was the “being a better host” thing; folks made their own drinks).

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Yup, lots of good advice here. Especially keeping your guest list short.
        I had 5 people at my wedding. The only direct cost for the wedding was $10 for paperwork. Hubby wore a suit. I wore a maroon dress. The minister didn’t want to be paid anything. Mom served homemade chili at home for the reception. Sometimes 2 penniless college students just make it happen. We’ve been together forever now and I think modest weddings can be a good luck charm for some.
        Mazel tov.

      2. AcademiaNut*

        In general guests aren’t going to notice or remember things like colour coordination of table decorations, the type of flowers, or whether the bridesmaids have matching hairdos. They *will* remember if they are hungry or uncomfortable. So have enough food for the length of the event and time of day, seating (for everyone!), adequate, accessible bathroom facilities and protection from the elements.

        You can have fancy weddings, simple weddings, cheap weddings and expensive weddings. You can’t do a cheap fancy wedding well. Either you’ll run yourself into the ground trying to do everything, or you’ll burden your friends and family with the labour, or you’ll dump the cost onto your guests (and often all three).

      3. ThatGirl*

        I will say our tiered wedding cake from a local bakery was only $200 or so. But it was just buttercream with fairly simple decoration. And that was 12 years ago. :)

        1. sleepwakehope*

          Ours was a similar price 4 years ago, and it fed 125 people who are very enthusiastic cake eaters. PLUS for cake tasting they just let us take home a whole (small) cake in the flavors we wanted for something like 5-10 a cake. So I think it depends a lot on the bakery.

    12. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      It turns out that doing things yourself ends up very expensive. Venue packages (with limited options on linens, flowers, etc) benefit from economies of scale and hugely reduce your own stress.

      Of course do things if you like doing them – on the crochet subreddit lots of people have created their own bouquets which then last forever. But don’t do things yourself just because you think it will be cheaper.

      Lots of money-saving tips are about transferring costs to other people (especially recruiting friends and family to provide goods and services for nothing, or choosing an inconvenient location or date). If you choose these, recognise that it’s still a $30k wedding even if you personally are only paying $10k of it. Magazines and blogs will mislead you.

      That aside, I very much agree that the guest numbers have the biggest effect on affordability.

    13. Aurora Leigh*

      Planning our wedding right now (for Spring 2020)!

      Like others have said, it depends on the type of wedding you want. A great tip I read is for the couple to settle on the 3 most important things for the day and allocate your budget accordingly. For us, we want professional pictures (okay that’s mostly mine), plenty of good food, and all our family (mostly him, he has a big close family) and closest friends to be there.

      So the State Park with the $25/day rental of the (very nice!) picnic shelter won out over the wedding barns that cost upward of $1000, because the most important part of the venue was that it was big enough for everyone and wheelchair accessible for a grandparent.

      But we are paying $1700 for a photographer to do a full day of wedding pictures, plus an engagement session. This is probably our biggest line item, but she is amazing!

      For food, we are going to go to Sam’s Club and load up on pulled pork (delicious!) and various picnic type sides. This won’t be cheap for 100 people, but it won’t break the bank either. (My aunt has very generously offered to pick up this expense for us).

      Groom and groomsmen will be renting suits from Men’s Wearhouse. The bridesmaid dresses are $35 on Amazon. My dress is $125 from Modcloth and I got $15 flats from them as well. Veil from Amazon for $15.

      We decided to skip Save the Dates and just tell people (multiple times, but still). Skipping RSVP cards in favor of a wedding website. Invites from Zola on sale for about $1/each. Decorations and cake topper from Oriental Trading Company.

      Cupcakes and a small cutting cake instead of the big giant cake.

      I also want to make or buy some oversized yard games for entertainment. We happen to already own a large outdoor speaker, and just plan to hook up a playlist for the music (we are not dancers).

      For flowers planning to raid family yard and gardens for lilac bouquets. May possibly buy bulk babysbreath for the tables.

      1. Girr*

        This basically describes my dream wedding. I’d try to be inside as I’m a mosquito magnet. But I also want picnic foods (my fave!), oversized yard games (all of them! Jenga! Yahtzee! Bocce ball! Lawn bowling!), and a flexible venue size where we (meaning I) can invite everyone.

        A state park is a great idea for this type of wedding.

    14. Not So NewReader*

      The goal is to get married. Hang on to this thought as it will serve you well.

      A friend does weddings, meaning, she officiates. She tells each couple, “Something WILL go wrong. Matter of fact plan on several things going wrong. It doesn’t matter because you will still be married at the end of the day.”

      If you have a family member who for the most part is never pleased with anything, now is NOT a good time to decide to please this person. We built our wedding around pleasing a person-who-cannot-be-pleased. I finally gave up when I was told I had to find the perfect color ribbon for my bouquet and it went into a half hour discussion on ribbon color. I do not do well with that level of detail. In the end, person-who-cannot-be-pleased was the first to leave and they took the cake with them. They said they paid for it, so it was theirs. I found out after I asked for more cake (which was no longer there) because they never said good bye or indicated they were leaving. This story goes on but you get the idea. Have the wedding YOU want, not what others want. And for pete’s sake, pay for the cake yourself, so it’s YOUR cake.

    15. LilySparrow*

      1) Have it in the daytime, like 2 pm, with a “tea dance” reception.

      2) finger food buffet instead of sit-down dinner

      3) choose one splurge – dress, band, video/photos, or venue. Pick the thing that gives you the most significant enjoyment, and keep the rest mininal.

      4) Always prioritize making a pleasant, happy day with everyone having a lovely time together over things being fancy or impressive. A lovely, fun party is much easier to pull off than a “perfect” grand event.

      5) Read Miss Manners’ wedding guide – “a wedding is a ceremony that marries two people, followed by a party in a somewhat more formal style than you normally entertain.”

    16. Anono-me*

      Congratulations.

      Money saving thoughts:

      We ordered flowers from Costco. They were about 1/3 of the price of any of the local places. They were beautiful. Friends who had a summer wedding got their great flowers from someone at the local farmer’s market and paid about $75. (Just be sure to wrap the stems in cling film or something so that they do not drip on people.)

      Check the price of buying vs renting. In many cases it was significantly cheaper and we didn’t have to worry about late fees or damage deposits. (We sold or gave away what we couldn’t reuse.)

      Watch out for vendors that price things per unit. It is easy to get caught up in the moment and $0.12 doesn’t sound like much and neither does $0.27 or $0.41, but all those little charges add up and all of a sudden your place settings are $47.00 per person.

      Random:

      Get a wedding email and voip phone number. It will help you keep everything together. Also most vendors are well mannered, but info. gets sold and some vendors are pushy.

      Stash some energy bars and water bottles for re-energizing on your wedding day.

      Make sure you both have comfortable shoes, at least to change into.

    17. Kuododi*

      DH and I got married a tad over 25 years ago so take what I am about to say with perspective…

      1. I’d strongly recommend no alcohol at the reception. (Your pretty much guaranteed to almost double the catering costs if you spring for booze.) Additionally, no booze means a lower risk of a rowdy relative getting hammered and acting like a knucklehead.

      2. If you are members of a faith community, consider using their facilities for the ceremony. In our case, our church didn’t charge members for use of the sanctuary for the service. We also had our reception at the seminary where I had graduated and DH had one more semester. That left us no charge for the reception hall.

      3. DH had my engagement ring made for me. We had no emotional investment in getting a big diamond sparkler (We were poor little church mice at that time.). My engagement ring was white gold with our two birthstones in the settings. (If memory serves, the total cost was right at $150) Also I had scrap white gold to use for the Ring which knocked down the price about $25-30.

      4. My sister had gotten married about 6 months prior so she had her resource lists of flower designers, caterer, cake people etc. She also is a gifted, hyperorganized designer so I had her help with the whole process. All I had to do was get the musicians together. (Thanks God…all the other stuff was getting on my nerves!!!)

      5. Mom and Dad have us $5000 as their wedding gift. (No strings). We were able to pay for the wedding, a six day five night honey moon at the North GA mountains. We also had enough $$$ leftover to pay DH last semester expenses for seminary, including books. Needless to say, we were and are both very thankful.

      6. Getting back to the reception itself, we had an afternoon service with finger foods instead of full meals at the reception. (Saves $$$ and the stress of those impossible to please relatives who will never be happy with the food provided.)

      I hope this helps. Mazel Tov on the nuptials.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Gonna disagree with the “don’t wine and dine your guests” bit. People are going to considerable trouble and expense to go to your wedding – you should feed and water them properly. Cut down on the list if you can’t afford as many guests, or go for a slightly less fancy venue, but be good to the ones that *do* attend. Quality over quantity, and anything worth doing is worth doing right, and all that.

    19. Earthwalker*

      Is the option of “don’t have an expensive wedding” open to you? Everybody does that because the wedding industry encourages more and more and more extravagance for their own profit. Avoiding the professional wedding people could save you a lot. I’ve seen weddings held at home and in parks and receptions that are picnics or even pot luck. (That pot luck wedding in an abandoned dance hall was the most fun wedding ever!) The point is to celebrate your marriage, not to break the bank and make the bride miserable. Would your family and friends be open to something that’s more creative than expensive?

    20. LQ*

      If you end up with DIY wedding don’t DIY something when you’ve never done anything similar before. Scale difference is fine, it’s harder and more expensive, but if you’ve rented a park pavilion for graduation parties or family reunions for a hundred people and you want to rent a park pavilion for the wedding you’ll figure most of it out and be ok. If you’ve only ever done parties for 8 people in your home and you rent a barn for 200? You’re going to have a really hard time with it.

      Skip the multiple venue jumping if you aren’t going to have a wedding planner.

    21. Thankful for AAM*

      Our local library offers a wedding venue that is very inexpensive. Maybe gwt creative with the location?

    22. Arts Akimbo*

      Oooh, I will reveal my favorite tip for this, which my spouse and I did for our wedding– have it at a state park! Like in a beautiful outdoor picnic area. We did this, and we had the park hotel cater the reception! It cost us a tiny fraction of what other venues were charging for catering. Seriously, it was a pittance! I highly recommend looking into that, if it fits your personality and needs. I think we had around 100 people. Maybe 150.

      1. Why isn't it Friday?*

        I cannot thank you all enough! I read through everyone’s comments carefully and took notes on all of the helpful suggestions. I already feel less stressed knowing that we have options. Thank you all again!

  46. HRT*

    Y’all. You. All.

    I just started HRT for menopause and it’s been AMAZING. I know it’s not right for everyone, but boy has it been right for me.

    2. ten alpacas*

      I remember how much more my life improved when I started HRT. I’m happy it’s helping you.

      To answer wellred’s question: I was fully menopausal when I started and had been suffering severe sleep disruptions. I’d fall asleep fine, but be awake from about 2 till 6 or 7 am. Then I got up for work at 7. I was only getting one full night of sleep per month. Once the hormones kicked in, about 2 weeks after I started taking them, I was able to sleep through the night, every night. Expensive, but worth it.

      1. Sometimes Always Never*

        I can’t take HRT, but my doctor suggested a low dose of an antidepressant, which is allowing me to sleep without being woken up every 15 to 45 minutes in a hot sweat. I am so very grateful, as I knew I couldn’t do the HRT because of a previous blood clot, and I was really feeling the effects of no sleep. Glad it’s working for you!

    3. HRT*

      I am fully menopausal. I stayed on a low-dose birth control pill until I was pretty sure I was in menopause. When I went off the pill my quality of life really tanked. I had serious brain fog, disrupted sleep, loss of libido and pain during intercourse. I tried a number of “smaller” interventions that just didn’t help much.

      The specialist that I’m seeing is pretty hung-ho on the HRT. She’s followed the research carefully and has concluded that there is minimal risk to HRT if it is provided according to current best practices. If my situation were different I would have probed further and sought more opinions, but in my case I’d already decided that I was willing to accept SOME risk if the HRT would provide quality of life.

      Which it has! She has me on an estrogen patch, progesterone, and testosterone. The brain fog lifted literally immediately, my sleep is better, and – by far the biggest thing for me – yesterday my husband and I were intimate and I literally cried afterward. I’d really thought that I would never enjoy sex again. Maybe that’s TMI, but I’d missed that for both of our sakes.

      1. Filosofickle*

        It helps me to read this! I am a few years from menopause, but looking down the road sex is the thing I worry most about. Happy for you <3

      2. WTF Aging*

        I’m kind of on the same path as you, i think. I’m just now going off the low-dose pills, so I have the withdrawal bleeding, hot flashes, and weird sleep. Also my sense of smell is all different, and seems really sensitive, people all smell gross (not good for the sex!). I will talk to the doc about HRT at my next visit.

    4. HRT saved my life*

      Super helped me. I was experiencing hot flashes (like I was running a fever) , migraines, insomnia (like eyes open until the sun rises insomnia) anxiety, moments of panic and obsessive thoughts. Huge mood swings like I was an adolescent. Horrible dark depression.
      Went to a therapist, who sent me to the gyn. The gyn took blood, did some tests and said that I was just the person HRT was for.
      Within a week or so I was normal. Seriously a life saver.

    5. Wicked Witch of the West*

      I started having symptoms when I was 44. Once I found a doctor that didn’t dismiss me as being “too young”, I went on HRT. I got almost immediate relief. I’m still on it 25 years later. When I have tried to wean off or stop, the brain fog and mood swings start up. (there’s a reason my name is Wicked). I, too, am willing to take the minor risks to gain the benefit. Good luck.

      1. HRT saved my life*

        had a resident insist that I wean off. oh the misery. hot flashes, migraines and hate for my husband.

        1. The Ace Tomato Company*

          Late to the game on commenting, but I am on the HRT is the best thing ever train! And my GYN is of the mentally that it is okay to stay on it forever if needed, which is fantastic. I was on birth control for most of my life and me without the hormones is a scary thing.

  47. Kuododi*

    Well, I have a week and a half left of radiation. Woohoo . The ladies from my Meetup group have been magnificent, coming through with transportation. I’ve had pretty wretched vertigo, nausea and vomiting so the transportation help has been a Godsend. I’ve been keeping in contact with my radiation MD and primary care about the vertigo and nausea. Apparently the problem isn’t connected to cancer treatment but rather the big case of bronchitis I’ve been dealing with. Right now, I’m tickled pink to think about being almost finished with treatment. I truly appreciate all of the love, good wishes and prayers. They have meant more than I can put into words. Blessings!!!

    1. fposte*

      Woo-hoo on the week and a half, and I’m so glad you’ve had local support that understands. That’s not a time when you want to handle an Uber, let alone drive. Hopefully the bronchitis will at least settle down soon!

    2. Thursday Next*

      That’s wonderful! So glad you’re almost done with treatment, and that you’ve had transportation help.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      So glad to hear that you are almost finished. I hope the bronchitis dials back really soon. You sound like you feel loved and cared about and this is super important, I am very happy about that for you. Just my theory but a person who feels comforted heals better in some manner.

    8. NoLongerYoung*

      so glad to hear your support group is coming through so well and that you are almost done!!! Continuing to send warmest thoughts your way…

  48. matcha123*

    I made a mistake sending packages this past week…basically I mixed up the addresses and two people got each other’s mail. They kindly sent the packages off to each other, but should I offer to pay them back?
    They both live far from me, but nearish to each other. The content was treats I’d picked up overseas for both of them. I’d estimate the cost was maybe $5 – $8 for shipping. (It cost me about $23 to ship from my area)
    Maybe it shouldn’t make me anxious, but I’ve never done anything like this and I feel terrible about having them pay.

    1. HannahS*

      If the money isn’t a lot to you, but might be to them, definitely offer. If you all have about the same and 5-8$ is a lot, offer to pay. If it’s not a lot of money to any of you, apologize (once) and thank them. Don’t beat yourself up. You did a nice thing and made a small mistake. If they hadn’t been able to send to each other, they’d have each kept the others’ treats.

      1. matcha123*

        Both are way more financially sound than I am, so the cost was likely no burden. The time to go to the post office and contacting them both to ask about addresses, etc. was definitely more of a burden…

    2. Lucette Kensack*

      Yes, you should insist on paying. They shouldn’t have to incur a cost to receive a gift from you.

      1. Lucette Kensack*

        I meant to add: font best yourself up! Stuff happens! Make it right financially and let yourself off the hook.

      2. matcha123*

        I’ll ask them about repaying. Which I was going to do, but I am also a bit afraid of coming off as obsessive?
        When eating with them, if either covers costs for me, even if they insist, I probably ask about paying more than is necessary. This is different, but also giving me anxiety about how to go about rectifying this situation.

        1. Not A Manager*

          Don’t ask about repaying. There is no world in which these people are going to say, “oh yeah, thanks. Please send me a check for $5.” Sometimes the gracious thing is to accept that the situation is already a little awkward, without offloading the awkward onto other people.

          1. Parenthetically*

            Agreed. I cannot imagine a more financially-stable friend saying to a less financially-stable friend who had just sent them a gift (!!!) overseas (!!!), “Yeah, actually, can you go ahead and venmo me $6.73?”

            This is a mixup to chuckle over — just one of those funny life things that happens to everyone. If it were me, I’d be so grateful you thought of me, matcha123, and would never think of it as something you needed to feel bad about!

            1. Washi*

              Agreed completely! You could offer to pay them back, but if they say no (which they probably will) feel free to just take them at their word and everyone can let this go.

            2. matcha123*

              Thank you! I have a difficult time with this because two friends I grew up with, who were raised by quite wealthy families, would not ever. ever be ones to let something like this go. One literally came to my house to collect $15 after I gave her a specific payback day which she agreed to.
              I have to stop and ask people what would be normal or not because that experience really traumatized me.
              Luckily in this case both parties have been quite kind and have turned down my offer of repayment.
              Also thanks to all who’ve commented, it helps me understand what is reasonable!

    3. Not A Manager*

      I actually don’t think you need to. They chose to address the mix-up by re-sending the packages, and you say the cost isn’t significant to them. It was very loving of you to choose gifts for them overseas, and I’m sure they’re not stewing over the cost of postage.

      Apologize once, thank them for the time and effort of switching packages, and leave it at that.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep, this. Since they found their own solution, I’d worry less about it. They see how much it cost you to send the packages so they know you have already put some money into this.

        Ease up on you and vow to look for opportunities to give back the same graciousness they gave you, as opposed to giving them actual money. They sound like good people. You deserve to have good friends like this.

    5. Orange You Glad*

      I would just send each a text saying, “Hey – do you want me to Venmo or Cash app you the shipping costs for the mix up?”

      And they’ll either say “Venmo” “Cash app” or (most likely) “Oh! Don’t worry about it!”

      Then it’s handled and you can stop worrying about it.

      (I do two choices of payment methods instead of “do you want me to pay this or not?” because it’s still culturally taboo to say “yes, pay me” in social settings. People who don’t need you to pay them back will say that and those who do will pick a payment method.)

      1. matcha123*

        That is true. I said “Let me know the costs so I can repay you.” And they both said it was fine. I was happy to repay, but also thankful that they were fine.

        1. OtterB*

          You asked, which was appropriate. They declined. Now let it go, because if you obsess about it after this it will be weird. (My MIL would do things like that. Drove me nuts that she would Not Let Go of paying for something really minor.)

  49. Vicky Austin*

    I just wanted to thank all of you who gave me such great advice about coming out of the closet as bisexual. I finally decided that I was ready to come out, and I came out to my husband and a couple friends, and they were all very supportive.
    I haven’t come out to my family yet, but I’m not too worried as they are very progressive. I’ll probably just bring it up casually. The next time we’re discussing politics, I’ll say something like “So what do you think of Pete Buttigieg? Do you think America’ s ready for a gay President? I personally don’t have a problem with it. Heck, I’m bisexual.” Then I’ll wait for their response and then say, “I never told you, did I?” They’ll say no, and I’ll say, “Well, I’m telling you now!”

    3. Annonymousse*

      So happy for your journey! Maybe you can do it in a way that doesn’t make them feel like they missed an important message from you though? “I’m telling you now” is great if they ask why you didn’t tell them earlier, but “I never told you did I” sounds like you’re setting them up to talk about your timing just to shut them down on that topic. You know your family best but if they’re very progressive I imagine they want to talk more about you than your messaging.

      1. Vicky Austin*

        What if I say, “Yeah, I never told you before, but I’m telling you now. Anyway, Pete Buttigieg. You think he’s got a chance at winning the election?” That way, I’m letting them know, but I’m not making a big deal about it; because I don’t think it should be a big deal.”

  50. Gaia*

    Adventures in Anxiety: Week 4 edition.

    I took the Lexapro. First dose was last night. Because of how bad the Zoloft was, I wanted to try it over the weekend so if I’m a mess at least it will not be on a day I need to work. Doctor has me taking a half a pill of the lowest dose for the first two weeks. I felt…weird…last night about 30 minutes after taking it. A bit of a jittery stomach, a bit of a head fog. I just went to sleep.

    While I can’t attribute it to the medication (since one dose very low dose is WAY too early to see an impact) I did wake up without a knot in my stomach for the first time in….forever. I just….woke up. I wasn’t worried or scared, I was just awake. The knot showed up later, but it was kind of nice to not have that immediately upon waking.

    This week, I’ve noticed my anxiety is very focused around my finances. I have a good job, steady savings, and sufficient income to meet my needs and my wants. I am secure, thankfully, in a way that I never have been before. I grew up extremely poor and spent all of my 20s unsure how I would even pay my most basic expenses.

    It is kind of amusing that I should have been anxious about finances then, but wasn’t and I’ve been lucky enough to be able to make choices that ensure I don’t have to worry so much now, but do. For example: I have two fun trips coming up in the next few months. I can afford both, but my anxiety keeps screaming at me that I can’t, that I should cancel both. I go over my budget, I look at my savings and I see it is fine and feel better for a moment. And then I close the budget spreadsheet and my anxiety says “but you can’t afford this!”

    It is maddening. But I can’t let the anxiety take away this last thing from me. I love to go places and see people and things. I could never afford it before and I’ll be damned if I give it up now that I can.

    1. Paralegal Part Deux*

      I just want to say, as a fellow anxiety sufferer, you have my deepest sympathy. I took Effexor for anxiety and had a lot of success with it stopping my anxiety in its tracks. It was like I could tell my body wanted to have an anxiety attack but couldn’t. It was a weird feeling. Unfortunately, it also made me sexually hyper, and I would have jumped anybody if they stood still long enough. :/ So, I had to quit taking it pretty quick.

      I hope you find some relief soon, and I’ll be sending you good thoughts/energy your way.

      1. Parenthetically*

        “I could tell my body wanted to have an anxiety attack but couldn’t.”

        YES, oh gosh I know this feeling!! This is why therapy has been so important to me too, to try to retrain those impulses!

      2. Gaia*

        Thanks for the support and good energy. I’ve always had some anxiety but it has never been like this before. I finally broke down and started the medication because it felt like something changed this week and it was headed to a darker place I don’t want to go. I legitimately cried for like 30 minutes Thursday over something completely non consequential. And it is so frustrating because only a few people know how bad it is and I don’t think any of them really understand. They tell me to work out and I’ll feel better. To focus on eating healthy and I’ll feel better. I know both of those things would help but I literally cannot. I just….can’t. And I don’t understand why.

        I’m really hoping this helps. I just want to feel better again.

        1. Parenthetically*

          I literally cannot. I just….can’t. And I don’t understand why.

          Well, I know you cognitively know this, but just to reinforce the truth of it: it’s because physical tiredness, mental paralysis, and lack of motivation are symptoms of your illness! I hate the way stuff like this gets moralized. If you have the flu, nobody says, “You just need to stop having body aches and chills and it’ll solve the problem,” everyone recognizes that body aches and chills are themselves symptoms. Same with anxiety — inability/incapacity to do things that would help is the symptom! That’s one reason medication is so important, to address the symptoms, which enables you to do other things that can also help.

          1. Ethyl*

            “it’s because physical tiredness, mental paralysis, and lack of motivation are symptoms of your illness!”

            Yes!! And to add — “lack of motivation” in the, like, psychological sense, means exactly that “I just can’t” feeling!

          2. Gaia*

            I do know that, but you’re right it is good to have it reinforced. Especially because I’m not actually physically tired and I’m not sleepy tired. I’m just like…mentally tired. Probably because my brain is running at 150% constantly.

          3. Gaia*

            A well meaning friend keeps suggesting I nap when I said I was just too exhausted to work out. But I don’t want to nap. I’m not sleepy. I (thankfully) manage to sleep enough at night.

        2. Paralegal Part Deux*

          The problem with anxiety is that it’s not logical, and we try to make it logical, if that makes sense? Or I do, anyway. It doesn’t work like that, and I think that’s part of the problem. If someone has never truly experienced it, you can’t explain it to them. Not really. They’re always the ones that think “oh, you can just power through it!” is good advice, and if it was that easy, you wouldn’t need to see a doctor/specialist. Like, “gee, hadn’t thought of that before.”

          I wish there was more I could do to help, because I hate for people to suffer with anxiety attacks. I know they’re miserable and irrational, and there’s no quick, easy fix for it. Sending you many (((hugs))).

          1. Gaia*

            I have two friends that I know have dealt with anxiety but even they don’t seem to get it. One gets anxiety periodically and just sort of fights through it until it goes away (which is where I always was before) so she keeps telling me it will get better soon. Another gets horrific and physical panic attacks but doesn’t experience the mental/emotional symptoms whereas I am almost exclusively mental/emotional anxiety with relatively minor physical symptoms.

            I’m grateful that I can talk to both of them but it just reinforces that it is so complex and no two people experience it the same.

    2. Dan*

      I don’t suffer from anxiety in the clinical sense, but I can relate about the finances. I grew up pretty broke, such that buying anything but the cheapest thing was a needless waste of money.

      While I’m not rich (yet), I’ve gotten my financial life to the point where I’m not sweating every expense. E.g., dog had to get some teeth pulled recently, and it was an unexpected $1,000 expense. A couple of years ago, it would have stressed me out a bit and make me fret about things I’d have to cut back on as a result. But now, it was a shoulder shrug and a mental note to enter it as an expense in my cash flow statement.

      The other complicating factor is that I grew up in the midwest where things are cheap, and I now live and work in a HCOL area. So prices are just insane.

      My best advice: Set up a budget you can *truly* live with that allows for some flexibility. Then you can overspend from time to time and not sweat it as long as your big picture goals are getting met. For me, this means that every month I 1) Contribute $X to my 401k, 2) Set aside $Y in liquid savings, and 3) Pay $Z above and beyond my minimum student loan payments. Once those goals have been met, I’ve given myself permission to overspend on other categories if I feel like it. (As in, last Monday was a holiday at my company. I turned it in to a four-day staycation and ate at slightly nicer restaurants than I would have otherwise, went to an NHL game, and didn’t sweat it. Back in the day, I would have gone to the NHL game and ate “nicely” on one night, and ate cheap the other three.)

      1. Gaia*

        Thanks. I am meticulous in my budgeting. It is what helped me initially. I wrote everything down and categorized it as a “need” or a “want.” Once my needs are met (which includes sufficient retirement, emergency, and future spend savings), my wants can go wherever I want that month.

        The anxiety about this is not based on anything logical. Before these last few months of high anxiety, I did what you’re describing and it worked great. It is what I hope to return to. I think there is a healthy dose of anxiety that can and should be had around finances to ensure I am protecting myself. What is going on now is not that – it is trying to convince myself to spend nothing outside of bare survival because of some unfounded fear that something bad is right around the corner and somehow money will help me with it.

        I feel you on the LCOL vs HCOL thing. My town’s COL is rising rapidly and the town I grew up in is way lower. It is kind of crazy that I pay 2x what my sister pays in rent and she has a 3 bedroom house and I have a 1 bedroom apartment.

        1. Dan*

          I get the “irrational” fear thing. I mean, when you spend decades training your brain in a certain way, it’s hard to undo it. You *should* have a plan to deal with some level of uncertainty, because financial disasters can happen unexpectedly.

          If you find the anxiety is overpowering, *and* you’re in a reasonably comfortable financial position, it may be worth seeking professional help via therapy. What you’re really trying to do is unwind decades of how your brain was trained.

          I left some ideas about your NYC trip below (they’re in a stand alone comment, because nesting fail.) But given what you’ve said up here, you may want to rethink the trip a little. NYC can get expensive in a hurry (not that it has to be, it just can be) and IMHO it’s way to easy to have your anxiety overpower your ability to relax and enjoy yourself. I spend far more in that city than I do anywhere else, so if your anxiety is really getting to you, now may not be the time to go. Put it this way. I went up for 4D/3N with a friend of mine, and I probably dropped a little over $1000 outside of lodging costs. And I’m not exactly an extravagant spender although I like to enjoy myself.

          1. Gaia*

            I agree, there should always be a plan to deal with some uncertainty because we live in a world where things can go wrong at the drop of a hat. I think that is where there can be a healthy level of anxiousness. At this point we’ve left that healthy level way behind and I am in full on overpowering, unreasonable, and danger zone anxiety.

            I am working on seeking therapy. Unfortunately, my area has a huge demand and very little supply for counseling/therapy services. The earliest any provider can see me is January (caveat: if I were in active crisis, they could get me in same day. Thankfully, I am not). In the meantime, we’re giving medication a try.

            I saw your suggestions on NY and appreciate it! I’m definitely going forward with the trip. It is hard and it is a battle but I refuse to give this up. I’ve given up a lot to this anxiety and this will not be another thing. I am working on balancing the expense of NYC with some lesser expensive alternatives (like the SI ferry to see Lady Liberty as opposed to the tour boats, taking the subway instead of ubers and taxis, etc).

            1. Dan*

              Have fun in NYC. Then I’d just suggest from the anxiety side to plan a healthy a budget. It’s possible to scope out a lot of costs ahead of time to give yourself a realistic idea of what things cost. If you drink booze, that will add to the cost, and if you don’t, that will save you money.

              And yes, the subway (IMHO) is a no brainer, especially if you’re by yourself. In fact, I almost never take an Uber/taxi in NYC.

              Another thing you can probably do is download neighborhood walking guides. I’ve never done it, but TBH, that city is so full of history that doing that could be a lot of fun.

              Good luck.

    3. Parenthetically*

      I’m so glad you woke up without the knot in your stomach! That’s awesome.

      It helps me to remember that anxiety disorder isn’t rational, so it isn’t necessarily going to respond to logic. So giving myself permission to just sort of notice the script that’s replaying and go, “Hm, yep, there goes that financial panic/scarcity script again, cool story bro, good thing I don’t have to do anything about it, your story isn’t a demand for action, Brainweasels, now it’s time to think about how much I love Olivia Colman and how great she’s going to be in The Crown” has been really productive.

      Wishing you all the best! Thanks for these updates. :)

      1. Gaia*

        Thanks. I really appreciate your help and comments over these weeks. I’m finding that in spite of me telling everyone for years that there is no shame in mental health struggles, I feel a lot of shame that I can’t just get past this. So that’s interesting and something I want to deal with at some point.

        I think the hardest part for me is that it *isn’t* logical. I live in a world of logic and I respond to rules and guidelines and standards. So having my own brain react in a way that is so not logical is…disturbing and upsetting.

        Also: I cannot wait to see Oliva Colman in The Crown!

        1. Parenthetically*

          Lols not to keep banging on about this (see comment above) but in my 25 years of experience dealing with anxiety and depression, shame is ALSO a symptom! It’s like your brain goes all small and self-protective trying to keep big bad scary things away, and shame being a primal “hiding” feeling, it gets really ramped up. I think it’s okay to notice that too, and allow it. A dear friend of mine who deals with bad anxiety visualizes bubbles floating in front of her with the negative emotions in them — she doesn’t have to try to pop them, they can just float there. I visualize a wave — sometimes I’m in a floaty down in the wave, sometimes I’m in a boat and don’t even get wet, but the wave can go up or down and I’ll be all right.

          1. Gaia*

            Thanks. I hadn’t thought of shame being a symptom. It has actually been really upsetting to think that after telling people all these years there is no shame in mental health issues, maybe I held some buried bias myself. It really does help to recognize that this doesn’t have to be true and that it might be a defensive mechanism instead of actual shame.

            I am really working on trying to recognize and accept how I feel without necessarily trying to push it down. I’ve never been good at dealing with emotions (a whole OTHER thing to address with therapy when I can get seen) so it is a challenge but I like the suggestion of acknowledging the thought, accepting it exists, challenging the validity and trying to switch gears.

            1. Annonymousse*

              I deal with shame with my anxiety as well. It’s just another way your brain invents a standard of where you “should” be and beats you down for not meeting it.
              “This is how much money you should have [based on nothing].” “Oh god I don’t have it, what do I do??”
              “This is how you should feel about your anxiety. Look at those people on Facebook, they’re happy and don’t have your problems.” “Nooo what is wrong with me, why do I suck??”

              For me it has been a journey to accept that this is where I am, it is OK just to be, the critic only destroys and it creates nothing, there are phases of every experience and how I feel will change as time goes on. Best of luck to you.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      There is a thing called “an impoverished mindset” or beliefs about “scarcity”, you might want to check this out. I still have yet to do this. My parents had money when I was growing up, not a lot but enough. I was not allowed to have money and everything was such an effort for me because of my parent’s depression era parenting rules. (I had two pants and two shirts to wear to school all week. I came straight home to wash them so they would be dry in time for the next wearing. That’s one example.)
      This stuff is hard to shake off, because the struggle is so hard.

      There is a physical parallel that I can think of. I read a book about a woman ( a POC) who worked standing in icy water for decades. It was the only work she could get. She could never get warm. Even in her old age, long after she stopped working, on a 90 degree day she still had on sweaters and long pants. She just couldn’t feel warm. Trauma, physical and/or mental stays with us. Psychological trauma has a physical component, which you are definitely seeing here.

      And one more thought, sometimes we do not deal with hard issues from the past UNTIL we get to safety. It’s from that vantage point of safety that we are finally able to face head on just how severe things were in the past. I got married and a lot of “stuff” suddenly just started running through my head and I could not shake it off. What happened was I got to safety. Like you show here, I did not think about the problems in the moment because I used all my energy to push through all. the. stuff. Once I was safe, I had many “omg!” moments.

      1. Gaia*

        I will look into that, thank you. It does make a lot of sense that we don’t deal with things until we feel safe because there just isn’t the brain space when we’re trying to just survive.

    5. AJ*

      Thanks for sharing your experiences in dealing with anxiety. I hope your new meds help. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this struggle. I’ve always had some minor general anxiety but nothing that wasn’t manageable. Then one day over the past summer I started having pretty severe breathing problems and went to the ER. They did a bunch of tests and sent me home with no idea of the cause. It felt like my chest was super tight and I couldn’t get enough oxygen, and I was basically hyperventilating but it would come and go. My Dr did a bunch more tests but they couldn’t find anything wrong medically. I was pretty upset when they started telling me it was due to anxiety and panic disorder– I didn’t have symptoms other than breathing difficulty, I wasnt stressed or worried about anything at all, and I’m actually the happiest I’ve been in my life. I had recently got my dream job that I worked so hard for, after doing 10 years of grinding through temp/contract work trying to get by. My therapist explained that it’s a possibility that because I’m in a much better spot, I’ve let my guard down after being stressed about my work and financial situation for many years. Working so hard to get to get by and to be where I wanted career-wise left no time to really dwell on it, but now that I’m in a safer position those feelings started bubbling up. I guess it makes sense. And they were right after all about the breathing being a symptom of anxiety, because the Buspar meds definitely help.

      1. Parenthetically*

        “because I’m in a much better spot, I’ve let my guard down after being stressed about my work and financial situation for many years”

        Yes! This happens all the time! It wasn’t my journey but it’s definitely been my husband’s — happy marriage, generally settled life, starting a family, and BAM, out of nowhere comes all his hidden baggage.

        1. Gaia*

          Parenthetically, I’ve been thinking about this a lot today (big shock, right?). It ties into an area of advocacy I’m very passionate about and something I’ve been saying for years and perhaps I should listen to now. I can talk someone’s ear off about how when someone is homeless and suffering addiction they absolutely cannot get sober without some stability in place. You can’t deal with a mental illness when you’re trying to literally stay alive. Your brain just won’t allocate resources there – it is in full-on-keep-human-alive mode and literally nothing else matters until that is reached. Even if we’re not in actual danger of death, but just living in scarcity or stress, our brains don’t really understand the difference. So it would make sense that AJ, your husband, and I all got hit seemingly out of nowhere once our lives reached a stable point. Suddenly, our brains had resources freed up and thought “gee…let’s look in this corner” and found a shit ton of built up anxiety there.

          1. Parenthetically*

            HOUSING FIRST!! *solidarity fist*

            That’s awesome you found a parallel that resonates with you! I feel like our brains must work similarly — sometimes I have similar experiences where I find a parallel I’ve thought a lot about and suddenly the penny drops with the issue I’m trying to wrestle/logic my way through. It can be really helpful.

            Fingers crossed for you for more of those moments. This kind of thing is where an analytical brain can be a real asset. Even though anxiety *itself* isn’t logical, sometimes it’s been possible for me to logic!brain my way around some life-hacky mental and practical tricks to get myself going. (A great one I just came across re: exercise was to just pick two exercises and do 20 of each, back and forth, until you feel like quitting. One set is fine. Super simple, but as a hack to overcome my anxiety-based inertia/paralysis? Exactly what I needed. It eliminates the “nope, too much work to think about what kind of workout, find the ‘right’ workout, see if I need equipment, get the equipment, etc etc.” problem.)

            Still haven’t figured one out for staying hydrated. Baby steps.

      2. Gaia*

        You are not alone. I feel alone a lot, too. Even though I logically know I am not. But we aren’t alone. And there are more people like us then we will ever know.

        I suspect my anxiety has been worse than I realized for years. I’ve had “breathing issues” that felt like I couldn’t get air (even though tests showed I was). I saw doctor after doctor who ran test after test all coming to the same maddening conclusion: anxiety. But I didn’t *feel* anxious so I blew them off and assumed they were just following the medical profession’s love of claiming hysteria in women when they don’t want to figure out a real diagnosis.

        I always knew I had anxiety, but mine was manageable. Until it wasn’t. If I’m honest, I suspect I am also depressed. It is funny how it was just like a switch, though. One day I was fine and the next I just wasn’t. Nothing happened. Nothing changed. But everything changed. One day I could make decisions and the next I was paralyzed.

        I’m glad your meds and therapy are helping. I hope the meds help me. My first one was a disaster but my doctor listened and quickly switched me. This one has, so far (day 2), been tolerable. A bit of an upset stomach, a bit of a foggy head, but even if those never go away I will put up with that if it makes me feel more like myself again.

  51. Paralegal Part Deux*

    Any eczema sufferers here? My dermatologist mentioned a shot called dupixent that’s a twice monthly shot, and I was curious to see if anyone on here is currently on the medication/been on the medication and what your experience is/was with it.

    1. MatKnifeNinja*

      I was prescribed it due to my Dyshidrotic eczema, that literally nothing is clearing it up.

      I lurked on the a Facebook support group page for Dupixent.

      Insurance will battle you tooth an nail because it’s expensive. But if you have no other options, it might be worth the fight.

      Dupixent either works brilliantly or meh with a lot of side effects. When I saw pictures of the facial eye side affects, I said no. It looked worse than my zombie hands. People are crabbing about hair loss and hip pain, which is a known side effect.

      The other hard no for me, is you give the injection yourself at home. It’s a decent size needle. Bigger than an insulin needle. Between the possible facial reaction, hip pain (which is an issue for me anyway) and injecting at home, I gave it a hard pass. My hands are a zombie dumpster fire, but it’s not that bad to roll the dice.

      Now, I have see little kids photos on that page with before/after the medication, and it’s an freaking medical. Like a absolutely amazing. Like you are crying because your kid doesn’t looked like a clawed up mess crying. Kids seem to to better on the medication. I’ve seen adults with head to toe eczema that looked totally cured by Dupixent.

      My allergist was way too “this medication is no big deal”. I didn’t really believe him, and checked out the pros and cons. I’ve never had a medication that didn’t do some crappy side effect, and I couldn’t believe Dupixent would be a walk in the park.

      You can always try one shot and then dump it. I was approved, trained to self administer and backed out. It didn’t feel right for me at the moment.

      If you have a FB page, it’s worth spending a few days on the Dupixent group. They are kind and helpful.

    2. ..Kat..*

      My eczema improved greatly when I found out that I am gluten and egg intolerant and stopped eating them. I can tell when I have accidentally eaten one of these because I get sudden, bad eczema. Otherwise, my eczema is so much better that I don’t need dupixent.

      Not quite what you asked, but I wanted to share in case this might work for you.

      Good luck.

  52. Ruby314*

    TLDR; Has anyone else ever taken evening primrose oil for hormonally-induced acne?

    Background: I never had acne as a teenager, but started getting long-lasting cystic breakouts after college. (They seemed earth-shatteringly terrible to me, but my doctor called them mild. It doesn’t help that I have very pale skin and the marks would stay for months.) I was able to keep it mostly under control, but never was totally comfortable without makeup. When I went off the birth control pill at age 30 (after nearly 15 years) and switched to an IUD, the hormones went crazy. I finally saw a dermatologist who gave me a short-term topical antibiotic and a retinoid prescription (now using OTC retinol + azelaic acid from Paula’s Choice). Phew, it helped so much!

    Now, at 36, I am mostly clear except it seems that each fall I have a wave of chin acne. So I went for a facial the other day and the first thing (before I’d said anything about my background) the esthetician said was: that’s hormonal acne, you should try evening primrose oil to balance it.

    1. Lena Clare*

      Yes, I’ve tried it and it is too greasy for my hormonal acne.
      I use arnica gel with tea tree oil instead, which helps a lot.
      I wash with a scrub with salicylic acid in, then the arnica gel as a moisturiser.

      Plus I swear by taking a magnesium vitamin tablet a day – that’s great for hormonal changes; I also take a teaspoon of cider apple vinegar a day. I’ve no idea if that helps but it feels like it does me good :)

      1. Lena Clare*

        Oh darn it, I read it as you applying evening primrose oil to the skin (and thought you were talking about rose oil!) I need to get some sleep :D

        Yeah I’ve also taken supplements of epo and I didn’t think it did me any good :/

    2. Amy*

      Haven’t tried it, but post if it works.

      I’ve had similar problems. The only thing I’ve found that works for the residual flare ups is this stuff called Anti Bump Solution from ReneeRouleau, but I’d prefer not spending $50 a bottle.

    4. WS*

      I take it for PMS with mild break-outs, and it definitely helps for that, but I don’t have anything as bad as acne, more like 1-3 painful pimples.

    5. Bye Academia*

      I have struggled with the same hormonal acne problem most of my life. It has really cleared up recently, and part of that has involved evening primrose oil supplements. On a whim, I tried “seed cycling” the last few months, and I think it has helped. You can google for details, but the premise is you eat seeds with different nutrients at different parts of your cycle to help encourage the right hormones. It includes evening primrose oil supplements between ovulation and your period. It’s a little woo woo for me, but I think it has helped. It took about three cycles to notice a difference. If you don’t want to go that far into it, you could just try the evening primrose for the second half of your cycle for a few months and see what happens. It’s a pretty easy thing to try and can’t hurt, so why not.

      I also have noticed a big difference in how clear my skin is and how fast old scars go away since I started using the blue cocoon by May Lindstrom as my daily moisturizer. It seems kind of scary for acne-prone skin since it’s a thick balm, but it contains all kinds of healing ingredients that heal acne scars and prevent bacteria from forming new pimples. It’s really expensive, but it lasts forever and it has been worth it for me. I’ve also used Paula’s Choice retinol and azelaic acid for years and this has worked better.

      Finally, you say that it happens in the fall. Do you start wearing scarves, turtlenecks, anything near your face in the fall that you don’t wear in the summer? It might be worth making sure you’re washing your scarves frequently, or maybe switching up your detergent if you already are. Good luck!

  53. Gaia*

    Ya’ll: I’m going to spend Christmastime in NYC!

    I’ve never been to New York. I’ll be there the 20th – 25th. I am so stoked. If anyone has any ideas about fun (ideally not obscenely expensive – see note about about finances anxiety haha) things to do and see, I would love advice.

    2. tab*

      NYC is beautiful at Christmas time, and there’s lots of free things to do. Checkout this article:
      https://www.travelandleisure.com/articles/free-activities-nyc
      At Christmas it’s fun just to see the decorated store windows on 5th Avenue and visit Rockefeller Center. I’m not at all religious, but St. Patrick’s (Catholic) and St. John the Divine (Episcopal) are both beautiful cathedrals. They are free to visit. Have a wonderful trip!

    3. Sunflower*

      Get a weekly pass for the subway – the subway is the quickest and best way to get everywhere and you’ll feel much freer going everywhere knowing you don’t have to pay by the trip.
      99% of the expensive restaurants are not worth it. The street food and hole in the wall places are really the best, most authentic food.
      Just walking around the city, parks and department store decorations is magical (and free). There’s also really cute Christmas markets everywhere.

      1. Lore*

        Agreed on the subway pass. Works on buses too. If you’re interested in theater look into the TodayTix app—their deals are generally better than TKTS and they run a lot of lotteries & rush offers. Most of the big museums have one free or discounted evening a week. You will pay in crowds what you don’t in money, but can be worth it if you want to see a lot of stuff. NYC has a ton of food halls & markets right now. (DeKalb Hall in Brooklyn is my local but there’s five or six in Manhattan.) They’re not super cheap but often a good way to try a bunch of things, often from chefs that will go on to bigger things. Also check out The Skint—email newsletter of free/cheap stuff that comes out weekly.

      2. LilySparrow*

        If the weather is sunny, you can’t beat a bus ride for seeing the city. Particularly if you go crosstown through the park.

        Riding the bus in other places seems crummy, but New York busses are very nice.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          NYC buses are unparalleled for sightseeing. As a mode of transportation, it’s actually faster to walk unless you’re deep in an outer borough and far from a train.

          1. Sunflower*

            A general rule of thumb in Manhattan is that going cross town on numbered streets (east-west) takes WAY longer than uptown/downtown on avenues(north-south). Buses/cabs can go relatively quickly up and down the avenues but it’s usually faster to get out once you’re on the numbered street and walk a few avenues.

            NYC is large so it’s best to group your activities by area as much as you can. Trains run less frequently on the weekend as well- you should take a look at your to-do list and get a general idea of what is close by and the subways you’ll need to take.

            Definitely download the Citymapper app! It’s an amazing app(similar to gogle maps) that you can type your destination into and it will produce the fastest way to get there along with extremely clear directions, exits to take. It’s really great to use in cities that rely on walking and public transport.

    4. BRR*

      I always say walking from place to place is some of the best times I’ve had in NYC. I’d make sure you have some shoes that are decently waterproof in case. Go to see the tree at Rockefeller at off times because it can be CROWDED.

    5. Anon Here*

      You can do almost anything and everything here in NYC! It’s a good place to pursue whatever interests you have, or just have fun. Even Jane Average who has no hobbies or unique interests might enjoy being in the live audience of a TV show, sampling the amazing food from every part of the world, going shopping, and seeing the usual landmarks. But, really, think about what you want to learn about, what fun things you want to do, and what you want to experience in life. So much is possible here. Make a list and make things happen.

    6. LilySparrow*

      If it has snowed, do NOT wear nice shoes. Get some waterproof boots with good traction – and not ankle booties either, proper boots.

      The snow gets trampled into filthy slush and ice. The plows pile it up on the streetcorners, and you have to puddle-jump through icy sooty slush to cross the street.

      Warm dry feet make sightseeing (and life, really) much more fun.

    7. Fiona*

      If it’s cold, snowy, or rainy and you want inside places to go, the following are NYC-specific unique and awesome museums that I recommend (even if you’re not a “museum” person):

      – Museum of the City of New York (Upper East Side)
      – Transit Museum (Brooklyn)
      – Museum of the Moving Image (Queens)
      – The Tenement Museum (Lower East Side)

      Seeing the tree is fun. Walking around Greenwich Village, East Village, Chinatown, Little Italy is super fun – just people-watching. Warm up with a hot chocolate or cappucino (they were the first!) at Cafe Reggio, which opened in 1927. Walk through Central Park. As someone else mentioned, Staten Island Ferry is free and a great ride. You can also catch a cheap ferry ride up and down the East River, stopping at lots of places.

      Have fun!

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Former Staten Islander here. I third the suggestion of the Staten Island Ferry, but make sure you do NOT ride during rush hours. It will be a crowded and miserable experience! 10 am to 2 pm, or after 7 pm are the best times.

        If you luck into a really nice day, consider walking over the Williamsburg Bridge, not the Brooklyn. You’ll avoid huge crowds and super-aggressive cyclists, and there are interesting neighborhoods on both sides (Lower East Side in Manhattan and Williamsburg in Brooklyn).

        Continuing my theme of avoiding crowds, I love seeing the Christmas displays along Fifth Avenue early in the morning. They’re the same displays with a lot less people to jostle through. I typically start at Bloomingdales at 59th St and Lexington, walk up to Fifth Avenue, and slowly head down toward Macy’s on 34th and Broadway, cutting through Bryant Park along the way. A nice way to spend a couple of hours.

    9. Dee-Nice*

      Yay! I am the humbuggiest of humbugs, but even I get a little buzzed about the holidays in NYC. Many of my favorite things to do are food related, but not that expensive. Here are my favorite things to do near the holidays when I have a day off:

      -See the BIG TREE at Rockefeller! It’s magical at night but also beautiful and less crowded during the day. I also like to treat myself to a small piece of chocolate from the Teuscher shop at Rockefeller center. Probably the best chocolate in NYC.

      -I’m a coffee snob and I love to get a big cappuccino and just sit near a window with a book at one of the following small chains: Joe, Birch, Blue Bottle, Irving Farms

      -Walk around the holiday market at Union Square

      -Check out a museum on the Upper East Side, then bundle up for a chilly walk across Central Park to the Upper West Side. Once you get to the UWS, get a huge, hot cookie at Levain Bakery.

      -Get a slice of pizza at Joe’s in the West Village, then either huddle around one of the tiny tables and get elbowed by the locals, or walk across the street to Father Demo Square and sit on a bench

      -If you like nature and birds, google Birding Bob and see if you can join one of the Central Park birding walks. They’re usually cheap and will loan you binoculars for a small fee. You will be AMAZED at the variety of birds in the park.

      -For lunch, warm up with a bowl of hot noodles at one of the Xi’an Famous Foods located throughout the city. There are many places to get good Chinese noodles here, but you can usually find a Xi’an nearby without having to divert too far from your course.

      -The Magic Flute will be playing at the Met while you’re here! See if you can get Family Circle tickets for about $40. You’ll be way up in the nosebleed seats, but the Queen of the Night area will still melt your face off!

      -If you wear makeup: Not specifically a NYC thing and can get a little pricey, but I do like to go to Sephora or the MAC, let one of the artists do my eye makeup or something, and buy one fancy mascara or lipstick so they make commission. If you go when it’s quiet sometimes the person is bored and will spend extra time on you and give you free samples with your purchase! And then you walk out with a full face of makeup and feel fancy.

      Have a great time!

    10. LGC*

      So, the weather can be…varying! As in, it’s equally possible for it to be 20s or 40s F.

      Ice skating is fun, especially with friends. But the rinks can and will get crowded. (Also, avoid Wollman.)

      Two of the places I’ve been to a lot are the Lego store and Nintendo store at Rockefeller Center. But I’m a nerd.

  54. Lost in the Library*

    I just accepted a position in a different city in my province that’s about 4-ish hours away from where I currently live… Now, here’s where I need advice. How the heck do you find an apartment in a city where you don’t live? I’d probably be looking to start my new job either during the first or second week of December (the manager is willing to be flexible b/c this is a weird time of the year). I’ve lived in the same city all my life so now I’m suddenly thinking “uhhh was this a good idea.” What should I be doing knowing that I’ll be moving soon!?! Eeek!! I really didn’t expect to get the position, and now I feel a bit… shocked!

    1. Jules the First*

      You either make plans for short term housing in the city (friends, air bnb, apartment hotels) and apartment hunt when you get there or you line up a bunch of viewings for one day and drive up for the day. The former is the easier option. You can do this!

      1. Zona the Great*

        I agree. I’ve done both. I don’t know if you have property management companies in Canada like in the US but I called one with the best reviews and told them where I was working and what I was looking for. Best case: a short term sub-let.

      2. Parenthetically*

        Apartment hotels around here are WEIRDLY cheap, IMO? Like, cheaper than rent cheap? There are a couple places that, granted, look very basic, but are something like $250/week. If you have a lot of stuff, you’d probably also need a storage unit, but gosh you wouldn’t need to rush.

    2. Asenath*

      I’ve tried to get there a bit early and camp out with friends. If you don’t have friends or relatives there, many cities have short-term rentals you can use during the search, but they can be pricey – you can tell because they often have “Executive” in their name! Then there’s the option of going there for a few days, staying in a hotel, and apartment hunting full-time. You could probably do a bit of the preliminary stuff – finding out general costs and types of properties and their locations compared to the location of your new job – online these days. Also, you might keep in mind that you don’t need to stay permanently in the first place you find. It just has to be reasonably tolerable and you can move on when the lease runs out. Congratulations on the new job!

    3. Filosofickle*

      When I relo’d across the country I found a sublet for 3 months, and all my stuff lived in storage. That worked really well. Airbnb has also totally changed the game in many cities, offering flexible rentals and multi-month. Short-term rentals give you the opportunity to really explore the area and know what neighborhoods (and commute) suits you before you commit.

    4. Ranon*

      With a 4 hour distance you could probably do the extreme sprint apartment hunt and try to see a ton of places in one weekend and pick one, or do the short term rental, I only have to live here # months, it’s okay that this place has xyz that sucks thing- we’ve done both and they’ve both worked out fine but I have insane luck when it comes to finding places to live.

      In the meantime, the more you pare down your stuff, the less awful moving will be, whether you do it once or twice.

    5. Morning Reader*

      You can ask your new workplace for apartment building recommendations. (An advantage of taking a job in a library, they are usually very in tune with the community and know the good places and the ones to avoid.) when I did a similar move, I hauled all my stuff in a trailer and stayed in a motel with a secure parking lot for the first few nights, and found my first apartment quickly. You may want to do a short term lease at first to give you flexibility to move somewhere more suitable after you’ve become more familiar.

    6. Anon St. John's NL*

      When we moved to St. John’s, it wasn’t in our budget to make a separate trip to house-hunt before we landed. So we reached out to a local RE/MAX office and asked for a Realtor to look at places for us. We gave her a price range and a list of wishes and dealbreakers, and she found us a perfectly adequate place for our first several months there. Since the place wasn’t going to work out long-term, we left at the end of that lease, but that wasn’t at all the fault of the Realtor. She did a great job and we were completely satisfied with the way we worked it out.

      No particular endorsement for RE/MAX. I picked it because they seemed to have a large number of personnel on the ground, and they’d be able to find someone to help us and keep communication happening.

  55. Aphrodite*

    My sister has asked for one of those side refrigerator shelving units. I am linking a couple in my response.) But do you have one? Have you? What do you recommend? What problems if any did you encounter? Other thoughts?

    1. fposte*

      Whoa. I did not know this was a thing. I will follow this thread with interest, as it looks like something I could get good use from.

    2. Aphrodite*

      Oops, I forgot to include the links:

      https://www.amazon.com/Refrigerator-Organizer-Magnetic-Rustproof-X13X5-3IN/dp/B07HH11Q3K/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=Refrigerator+Side+Storage+Shelf%2C&qid=1573928381&refinements=p_72%3A1248915011&rnid=1248913011&s=home-garden&sr=1-2

      https://www.amazon.com/Refrigerator-Storage-Sunix-Upgraded-Organizer/dp/B07KY5KP28/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Refrigerator+Side+Storage+Shelf%2C&qid=1573928381&refinements=p_72%3A1248915011&rnid=1248913011&s=home-garden&sr=1-1

      https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07TYZ7RHS/ref=sspa_dk_detail_0?psc=1&pd_rd_i=B07TYZ7RHS&pd_rd_w=Kr3wC&pf_rd_p=45a72588-80f7-4414-9851-786f6c16d42b&pd_rd_wg=SYL5D&pf_rd_r=X8TH82X79YZMHZBTHFDV&pd_rd_r=3d242300-04a3-40e1-bae2-23ba7ea216c9&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEzM1lQTzBFS004TzBYJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwNjc2NDIzM0RTVDJSSk5UUzdOVSZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwODA2MDc3MUpSTjU2UzMyWDVCOCZ3aWRnZXROYW1lPXNwX2RldGFpbCZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=

    3. Anono-me*

      I didn’t know that this existed, but now I want one. Specifically I want the middle one that has arms on the top, so that I am not trusting the magnets to hold everything.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I liked the middle one the best also.
        The door mounted ones looked like stuff would bounce around with opening and closing the door. This could be important if you live with people who are not careful about closing the door properly and just slam it shut.

        I really love the idea but it’s not practical for my kitchen as the fridge is next to the stove and stuff would get covered with splatters. I can see it working well in some of my previous kitchens.

  57. DrTheLiz*

    Anybody got tips for sewing comfy shorts? I got a gorgeous charcoal Superwool remnant and am looking to turn it into a pair of shorts for the summer, but my previous experience with trousers has led to things that cut me in half at the waist when I sit down, which is… not ideal.

    1. Washi*

      I just made myself some flannel shorts! I cut up an old pair of shorts I liked but the elastic had worn out, and used them as a pattern.

      I like elastic and thick waistbands, which eliminates both futzing with zippers and discomfort when sitting!

      1. Dr. Anonymous*

        Totally make a muslin first. Often you just need to add length in the front and or back between the crotch and the waist, but if there are wrinkles where the fabric is being pulled into the crotch, you may need to add to the inseam (usually equally to front and back, unless the inseam doesn’t hit you where it should. If it hits too far to the front, you would add just to the front of the inseam, usually tapering down to nothing at the knee.)

  58. Dan*

    Enjoy. I find NYC a lot of fun. It will be *cold* at this time of year, so dress accordingly.

    One of the best free things to do pretty much anywhere is take the Staten Island ferry from Manhattan to Staten Island. You sail past the statue of liberty. I particularly like the views at night.

    You can get tickets to Broadway either online in advance, or day-of at “TKTS” booths. They advertise a lot of half-price tickets, but my recent experience suggests that most tickets sold there are the more expensive ones at a discount. The tickets are generally no cheaper than the cheap seats bought in advance.

    I think you ought to visit a sky scraper like the Empire State Building and do the observation decks.

    Take a food tour, although they’re not cheap. They are, however, a great way to see neighborhoods you wouldn’t really understand on your own.

    Advice: As a first timer, you probably “should” stay in Midtown Manhattan (it’s central to pretty much everything) but do make a point of getting out of Manhattan.

    I could go on. The city has a ton to do. My last advice is budget appropriately and enjoy yourself.

  59. Cat Mom*

    I need suggestions for cat tooth brushing products. My vet is recommending that I get my kitty’s teeth cleaned, but I really would rather not put her under anesthesia for that. What have you used that works?

    1. university minion*

      The teeth cleaning your vet is recommending and daily maintenance at home are two entirely different things. I recommend getting the cleaning done under anesthesia and then starting an at-home maintenance routine that will hopefully increase the interval between now and when the next cleaning is needed. As far as brushing products go, you’re going to have to trial-and-error to find the ones you cat tolerates best.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        But be careful about that. Our vet retired. He never suggested we put the cats under anesthesia to clean their teeth. The chain that bought his practice suggested it, but then noted that Laverne has a heart murmur and we had to get her cleared by a cat cardiologist first. (Yes this is a profession I have done my life all wrong.)

        Cardiologist cleared her but Laverne still almost died. After the procedure, the vet told us we should never have voluntary anesthesia for her again. I am absolutely positive our old vet would have said, “I don’t care what the cardiologist says, I’m not taking the risk.”

        (However: Shirley handled it fine. They pulled four teeth – she had recession – whatever it is when their teeth start being absorbed back into the body. We always thought she was a cranky unfriendly girl but nope – turns out she had been in pain this whole time.)

    2. The Francher Kid*

      I’ve had a lot of luck with PetzLife Oral Care Gel with Wild Salmon. I used it with an older cat and a greyhound who were both prone to tartar and gum irritation. It comes in a spray and a gel (also in peppermint flavor but neither of mine liked it). You can brush with it if they’ll let you, but the gel also works if you rub it onto their teeth. You have to commit to doing it daily, but if you’re consistent it will dissolve the tartar and plaque. It’s available from Amazon and Chewy (I think it’s a bit cheaper on Chewy).

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Thank you for this recommendation – our boy kitty needs a teeth cleaning but due to some other issues right now we can’t physically manage it for another few weeks. I may order this and give it a try and see if it helps!

        Is there a cat specific version or is it suitable for both even if it says dog?

        1. The Francher Kid*

          It’s for both. I think all the bottles have pictures of dogs but the label says safe for dogs and cats of all breeds. I bought the 4 oz size, which is $15.99, and it lasted a good while. My Siamese had so many health problems she could not safely undergo anesthesia, and greyhounds in general don’t react well to anesthesia. I put the gel on my little finger and rubbed it onto their teeth and gums. The greyhound enjoyed it, the Siamese not so much.

          1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

            He was always more tolerant than his sister in regards to having his teeth brushed as a kitten but then they got older and well, that fell off the schedule. I think we can get enough on a finger and onto the teeth and gums though. He may not like it, but we don’t want to live with that breath anymore!

  60. Beth*

    I’ve gotten so much joy, angst, heartbreak, and wonder from the book recommendations. I find that Allison’s picks are almost always hits for me. There have been so many great ones, but I still get goosebumps when I think of “The Immortalists” by Chloe Benjamin.

    I’m curious to see what others have enjoyed from the recommendations!

    1. Her name is Anne she has no other*

      The Immortalists was a heartbreaker of a book.
      Highly recommend but my gosh, brutal.

    2. Cobalt*

      Yeah, I was not prepared for The Immortalists based on the description. Haunting.
      There have been a few of Alison’s recommendations that haven’t worked for me, but when I need a new kindle addition, I check out her lists and I’m so excited for the 2019 list since I don’t always check the weekly thread. They are such a great resource!

  61. C Average*

    Warning: This is going to be long and rambly and will probably contain some whining.

    Last weekend, I went to a writing workshop–specifically, a manuscript boot camp. The instructor was a well-known writer I’ve admired for many years. The application process was competitive, and the workshop was expensive. I put a lot of time into preparing my own manuscript and preparing critiques for the other four authors in my group, as we’d been instructed to do. I had high hopes.

    It was honestly kind of awful. The instructor was snarky and brusque and made it pretty clear that she thought my book was a POS. She allowed my fellow participants to pile on for two straight hours of criticism, most of it so broad that it really wouldn’t be possible to address it without writing a different book. (The main character is boring, the love interest is impossibly good, the story is saccharine, the plot device you used to explore history is so dull I skipped those parts, etc.) I think that the negative feedback gained a kind of momentum throughout the session, because it didn’t altogether align with the written critiques I received, which were more measured.

    I knew it was an imperfect book that needed some work, but I walked away from that workshop so eviscerated that I honestly never want to look at the thing again. I have another project I’d been working on concurrently, and I’m planning to focus my attention there.

    I have so many people in my life who have encouraged me to write. Friends, relatives, my partner, colleagues, people I met in writing groups, etc. Rationally, I know their opinions count, too, and I don’t have any reason to think they’re all just blowing sunshine up my ass. I want to live up to their faith in my abilities and my resilience. I’m trying to keep my chin up. Also, I know this is one workshop, just as I know that even very successful writers hear from people who hate their books.

    Based on the other writers’ sessions (I went first), I can also see that the group I was in skewed toward nonlinear memoir and a certain flavor of literary fiction, and that the kind of fun page-turner I’d been hoping to write probably wouldn’t be their jam even if it was the best possible representative of its genre, which I recognize that my draft wasn’t. (I was much more restrained in my criticism of the other books, partly because one of my first comments got a lot of side-eye from the instructor, who clearly thought I was the worst kind of literary throwback because I cited Chekhov’s gun, and partly because I had also caught a horrible cold and had mostly lost my voice.)

    I don’t know how to think about this experience. Part of me thinks it’s a one-time, relatively meaningless foray into a particular subset of the literary world in which I clearly don’t belong–like that awkward moment when you walk into the men’s room by accident and mumble, “Sorry, didn’t see the sign” and back out in a hurry. Part of me thinks it’s a wake-up call letting me know that writing fiction is a terribly competitive field and that I had a rare opportunity to have honest-to-God experts tell me definitively, “You don’t have what it takes,” and that I should listen. Part of me says, “Be reasonable here. Take the criticism that makes sense under consideration, revise your draft, and send it to the kind of agents who rep page-turners with happy endings. They’re your audience.”

    And part of me thinks I should just get a real job and quit pursuing this silliness.

    Sigh.

    1. Jenny*

      SO you’ve written a lively page turner, popular novel, and the workshop was focusing on literary fiction? TBH, it just doesn’t sound like the right fit. I’m in a writing group myself, and I can see that there’s one member who gets less out of it, as he works in a different genre. The criticism we give him is well meant but isn’t right for him.
      Like you say, take the criticism that makes sense to you within your genre, revise the novel, and start getting it out to agents!

    2. wandering*

      I’d broaden your base for feedback.
      You tell compelling stories in short form, here; it’s hard to imagine that you wouldn’t do that in longer form as well.

      That said, most of what I know about the world of professional fiction is that it is indeed highly competitive.

      Is it writing worth your effort, to you, even if it never goes much outside your sphere?

    3. tangerineRose*

      All of this tells me that the instructor wasn’t very good “The instructor was snarky and brusque and made it pretty clear that she thought my book was a POS. She allowed my fellow participants to pile on for two straight hours of criticism, most of it so broad that it really wouldn’t be possible to address it without writing a different book.”

      2 hours of criticism is just cruel, not helpful. I’ve also heard that in writing groups, sometimes people start piling on to whoever is getting criticized, so many of the people might not have even meant what they said – they may have been trying to be part of the group. (Which is sad and mean that they’d do this.)

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Did EVERYONE get 2 hours of criticism?! Sheesh. Sounds like a mob mentality given the written comments were more thoughtful. Maybe they piled on so there wouldn’t be time for them to be eviscerated.
      Maybe other writers AREN’T the best judges of another’s work since the field IS very competitive. I’d be more interested in an editor’s or publisher’s opinion.
      Please keep in mind J.K. Rowling’s experience and keep going for at least awhile longer. And please remember: no matter what, standing up and walking out is always an option. Except in jail.
      Very best wishes.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Mob mentality is right.
        This sounds like the only way they could feel good about their own writing was to put down YOUR writing.
        Think about the demographics of the group who would be reading your stuff. I don’t think “elitist snobs” are part of your group.

        It sounds like you got zero actionable advice from this group. What a waste of money for you, I am so sorry.
        Do they have online reviews of their so-called service? Perhaps you can review their service to you. Be sure to include words such as mob mentality, pile on and elitist snobbery. You can point out they took the “constructive part” out of the phrase “constructive criticism”.

        And promise yourself that if you find a situation like this again, you will time them. After 20 minutes of their drivel you will get up and leave.

        1. tangerineRose*

          Mention the 2 hours of criticism. I think that’s all I’d want to know to “nope” out of there.

    5. MMB*

      Not sure if this will help or not but Stephen King was turned down by nearly EVERYBODY before Carrie was published and dozens of other writers have been shunned initially, derided as hacks, or were only recognized posthumously. The Bronte sisters self-published their first work under pseudonyms (male of course)!

      Keep writing, keep revising, keep learning and keep asking for feedback. It’s possible that you’ll never achieve the level of success you dream of but it’s equally possible that you will :)

    6. Pam*

      I agree with others- wrong fit and/or bad instructor.

      I recommend looking at workshops aimed at genre- there’s a much greater understanding of writing as entertainment.

    7. Ann O.*

      I have relevant experience here because I’ve worked as a slushpile reader, and I currently beta read for a couple of professional authors in wildly divergent fields (one is literary; one is urban fantasy).

      Listen to your instincts here: “Be reasonable here. Take the criticism that makes sense under consideration, revise your draft, and send it to the kind of agents who rep page-turners with happy endings. They’re your audience.” That is exactly right.

      Write everything else off as bad fit and lesson learned. If you’re writing genre fic, you need to get your feedback from people who like and appreciate genre fic. (Some literary writers do, but unfortunately, a lot not only don’t like it, but actively disrespect it.)

      However, it is a good idea to have an alternative career life plan. Publishing is struggling, and so are most professional writers. Neither of my friends are exclusively paying the bills through their books, and my urban fantasy friend has published a lot of books.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Everything Ann O. said. Maybe it wasn’t the right workshop for your work, but even if their preferred genre isn’t what you’re writing, they should not have been so freaking rude about it. Assholes are not a compelling enough reason to quit something you really want to do.

        You also don’t want a writing group that does nothing but heap praise — you can’t grow without honest and solid feedback, which is not what you got from this group.

        And I agree with the alternative plans. Honestly, I only know one published writer who doesn’t have a day job, and he’s been doing it for years and years and has multiple irons in the fire. He writes genre fiction and has a Grand Master of Horror award.

    8. Teacher/professional book reviewer*

      First of all, super bad fit and the workshop sucks. The “famous writer” supposedly read the submissions and considered the works of worth ie publishable with revision. “famous writer” took a paycheck and phoned it in.
      Oh please. I am your audience. I want a page-turner, I want to hear your voice, your story.
      Here is what happened, if I may. It was obvious to your peers that the “famous writer” disdained your work. Then there was the bullying pile-on basically sucking up to the instructor.
      Recognize there might be some usable comments buried in there. It’s possible. Take a deep breath.
      Find your people. They are out there.
      AND when you rock the world with your books. (yes, I said books) you won’t treat people in this way.

    9. Anon Here*

      Listen to the part of you that says, “Be reasonable here.”

      Here’s the thing about highly competitive fields, especially anything creative. Everyone is your competitor. So you shouldn’t take advice from them even if you admire them. It’s a time-honored tradition for established people to encourage those who pose no threat to them and discourage the more talented and/or unique ones. I don’t know how many are even fully aware of it; it could be partly subconscious bias.

      And people just have different perspectives. Liking someone’s work doesn’t mean you’ll see eye to eye or find their take on your work to be valuable.

      You need to establish your own voice, use your own judgment, and figure things out on your own.

    10. LilySparrow*

      Listen to voices one (wierd subset) and three (take some, leave the rest, find your tribe.)

      How many of the other authors in the workshop are published? How many of them are making a living off their books?

      Most imporantly, did you enjoy what they wrote and the things that the instructor praised?

      Writing is *not* a competitive sport, and people who act the way you describe are bitter, angry, and miserable.

      Find your people. Those aren’t them. There are lots of writers who enjoy books, who write and read for pleasure, and do the not-fun part of writing in order to give enjoyment to others. That is far more of a gift to the world than snooty gatekeepers who work out their frustrations by inciting a particicution.

    11. C Average*

      Thanks, all.

      I had an opportunity to write a review of the workshop and tried to be honest but fair; I saw firsthand that other people in my group had really good experiences, and I don’t want to tell people “don’t go here!” because it’s clearly a good fit for certain kinds of writers.

      Everyone gets a two-hour feedback session. Mine just skewed negative more than the others. (Two fellow group members confirmed that this wasn’t my imagination.) Maybe two hours of both positive and negative feedback is a useful amount for others. It was definitely too large a helping for me.

      My book needs work for sure. When I’m ready to look at it again, I know I can use some of the feedback I got to make it better. In the meantime, I’m focusing on the other book (also genre fiction) and pursuing some copy editing work I can do from home. And trying to shake this horrible cold.

      Thanks for listening to me whine and writing such helpful responses. Y’all are better than a spendy writing workshop with a famous-in-her-lane writer.

    12. LQ*

      Finding groups that work within and are successful within, and comfortably within, your genre is SO important. There’s shorthand within genres that readers expect. Especially voracious readers in thriller/romance/sci-fi/fantasy/etc genres. Having someone from outside that genre (especially if they look down on the genre overall which…yeah is ABSOLUTELY a thing) read and critique is not always a good thing. You have to take it with like a salt-licks worth of salt. Often times they’ll tear apart things that genre readers will not be ok with. (Is it really even a romance if there is no HEA/HFN? It can still be a great book but is it romance? Is a book really fantasy if it takes place in a perfectly contemporary New York with nothing that even the most woo believer would buy as magic? It can still be a great book, but is it fantasy?)

      It is competitive, but if what you’re looking to do is fun page-turners and you got feedback from memoirists and people who write Literature…I’m not sure you got feedback from the right experts for you.

    13. Arts Akimbo*

      I am so, so sorry you had that experience. As someone who has both taken classes and workshops of this kind *and* mentored others, though in the field of art and not writing, I am telling you that fit is *everything.* Getting a crit from a person who doesn’t understand what you’re aiming at, or worse, who hates the genre or style you’re aiming at is downright detrimental to learning.

      I got a similar evisceration twice before in my career. The first one was from an artist who was a working book cover artist in the genre I was working in, and all of his critique was aimed at making me better at it. His advice cut deep and hurt, but boy did it make me better! It took me a couple of years to fully process and start implementing all of his advice, but it was all solid, because he knew what I was doing and where I was trying to go with it, and his crits were aimed at getting me there. We were friends until his death.

      The second one, more than a decade later, was more like your current experience. She didn’t respect or like what I was doing, or my reasons for doing it, and was full of scorn. It was incredibly demoralizing. If I had been less far along in my career, I’d have been shattered. I still feel resentment about it to this day. I’m nice to her when I see her, but it really did change the way I see her and her art.

      I have mixed feelings about creative workshops, because I have seen the damage they can do alongside the good. I feel strongly that the people running them should make sure their instructors are giving constructive critique aimed at the specific goals of the participant.

      Do not let this bastich grind you down. *You* know the goal you’re aiming at. Keep your eye on the target.

    14. StrikingFalcon*

      I’m sorry you had this experience!

      Is this your first completed manuscript? To be honest, your first book probably needs revision. Everyone’s first book needs revision. No one just sits down and writes a book that is great. There are a lot of skills involved in writing books, and no one masters them in the first go. No one can! It’s too much to learn. I think you know this, since you went to the workshop in the first place.

      BUT. That is not to say your work is terrible. That is not to say your book has no potential. That is certainly not to say you have heard from Experts that you do not Belong in the Field of Writing. No such experts exist.

      Writing is not an inherent talent you either have or you don’t. It’s a series of skills learned over years, like making art or learning to play an instrument. Except art and music have clear paths you can follow to learn them, and writing fiction doesn’t.

      Take a break from this manuscript for a bit, but set a specific time frame for yourself for going back to it so you don’t fall into the trap of avoiding it forever. Then take what you can from the criticism you got, and try to let the rest go.

      The other people in your life, who encourage you to write, do they give you uniformly positive feedback? That kind of encouragement is helpful for motivation but not for getting better at the art of writing. Ideally you want to find a group that give honest critique but also praise where praise is due. This workshop was definitely not that!

      I think you’re on the right track in the “be reasonable” thoughts. Genre matters in fiction. Not everyone likes the same kind of books.

      Remember it is a major accomplishment just to finish a manuscript. Give yourself credit for doing that! Many aspiring writers never even get that far. You can do the revisions and make it better. This is just the start of your writing career, not the end. Good luck!

  62. coffee cup*

    Hair question:

    I’ve (nearly) always had long hair, either shoulder length or longer. I like it! I like having hair to faff about with, even though it’s frizzy and thick and a bit mad. I used to enjoy hiding behind it when I was more shy, which I don’t really do now, but I’m kind of a bit too wedded to the idea that if anything happened to my hair I would look awful.

    I’m wondering if anyone has gone from long to short hair and, if so, did you prefer it, regret it? I just saw a woman on TV with a really cool crop which was like a sort of quiff with a shaved side, and she looks amazing. I’d love to have the confidence to one day just do something like that –after all, it’s hair, it’ll grow back eventually – but I am too scared I would look ridiculous and have to endure it growing back.

    Not that it really matters but I am 36.

    1. Overeducated*

      I went from mid-length hair to a pixie and loved it so much I kept it for 4 years. Just growing it out again for variety. No regrets! Do it! Hair grows!

    2. CoffeeforLife*

      I chopped 18 inches off in August (from butt to chin) and I love it. It looks sassy and more put together than my long hair (my hair always received compliments and was my shield) but I really wanted a change. Now that it’s grown out a bit I want to cut it again (and get a perm since it’s so straight).

      I just kept telling myself, it’s hair, it’ll grow back!

    3. C Average*

      I’ve almost always had long hair. (I’m 46.) In my early 20s, I lost a bet and had to have my head shaved. I actually had a lot of fun with it during the various phases of growing out (pixie, bob, lob, shag, yay finally ponytail length!, etc.), but opted to grow it out and have kept it long ever since.

      One thing to consider is that short curly hair is often hiiiiiiiiigh maintenance. If you’re accustomed to pulling it back in a messy bun and calling it a day, you’ll have to adjust to either taking the time to style it or rolling with the good days and bad days. If you live in a humid climate, also accept that you may leave the house with your pixie cut or whatever looking great and, 15 minutes later, looking like you’re wearing a fright wig. Also, know that you’ll sometimes luck into a particular cut or a particular phase of growing out in which your hair looks GREAT and then be unable to replicate it.

      I know that lots of people overcome these issues. I am definitely the kind of person who doesn’t want to spend much time or money maintaining my appearance (I don’t do makeup, either), and I’ve learned from experience that I can manage long hair but not short. If you’re more put together, you might enjoy the change.

      If you cut it off and it looks awful, you can always tell people you lost a bet.

      1. Trixie*

        Interesting, because I find my pixie very easy maintenance. I have regular trims but even those are fluid depending on how I’m liking the longer pixie. The cut is also much more stylish without minimal styling on my part. Towel dry, some argon oil, and I’m done. I lived in humid climate with long hair, and was miserable. As often as I was pulling it back, pixie was an actual style and much more flattering.

        I would keep an eye out for women with the style and ask them where they go. Like any cut/style, half the challenge is finding a stylist who knows your hair and how to properly shape the cut. Biggest bonus like everyone has mentioned, it’s not permanent.

    4. Goldfinch*

      I chopped my long hair into a short bob and HATED it. So much time and effort and product to look presentable every day. I grew it out again and never looked back. I now wear my natural texture (combo of 2a/b/c) in a Devacut to midback.

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      I chopped all my hair off in university. I liked it, but I actually found it was more work than long hair. With long hair, I can toss it in a ponytail in 5 seconds. With short hair I had to style and use product in it, which meant washing it more often. I also didn’t like the in-between growth phase, because it just looked weird and goofy on me. Short hair is a bigger commitment imo.

      1. Filosofickle*

        That was my experience. I liked my chin-length bob, but I spent SO MUCH time every day — often multiple times a day — trying to tame it. I went mid-length for a very long time but even that requires a lot of styling work for me. Now I wear my hair longer because it weighs itself down and is a lot more versatile. Best of all I can let it air dry at this length, which I couldn’t at any other length. Sometimes I wonder if long hair like this is too “young” (I’m 46) but it is so freeing I don’t care! I can have a more polished look if I want to, but I don’t have to. What a revelation!

        However, I realize in hindsight that I also had the wrong short cut for my hair, which is very thick and loosely wavy. I was trying to have a straight smooth bob but a wavy messy one would have been a better fit with my hair. If you want to play with shorter hair, really talk to a stylist about how to work with rather than against your natural hair.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Haha, right? I have butt-length hair and short-haired folk are always going “OMG I could never have long hair, so much to take care of! Mine only takes 10 minutes a day!” Uh, I’ll see your 10 minutes a day and “raise” you thirty seconds a day. Call!

        1. Parenthetically*

          Yes! My only annoyance is how long it takes to dry. I have an oily scalp and so I have to wash it 3x a week, and it just takes ages to dry. But apart from that, jeez, how long does a messy bun take? If I want to go all out and do milkmaid braids it’ll take 10 minutes, or 15 minutes to throw in some hot rollers and let them sit while I get dressed (which happens twice a year, maybe).

          1. Arts Akimbo*

            Yeah, mine takes forever to condition and dry. Other than that, though, I do nothing to it but brush.

            I should really trim it more often, though.

      3. Clisby*

        Same here. I cut my hair short after I finished university. It was so much more trouble. For years, it was halfway down my back, now I keep it only a few inches below my shoulders – way easier to manage. My husband cuts it a couple of times a year – easy maintenance.

    6. Not A Manager*

      I’ve cut my curly hair a few times and never liked it. I’m happier with it at least below my shoulders.

    7. tangerineRose*

      I got my hair cut very short when I was a teenager and hated it. My hair’s been at least shoulder-length ever since it grew out. But different people like different things with their hair; you might enjoy it short.

    8. Salymander*

      I have very long, curly/wavy hair. I have cut it at various times in my life, and to different lengths. I didn’t mind chin length hair, but it required a lot more work to keep tidy than my long hair. The curls and frizz are calmed by the weight of the hair. Really short hair was not great for me, too curly and just not my thing. Again, too much work. I hate using that many products on my hair. Mid length hair was really poofy, like my head was a triangle of hair. Long hair is easier for me and requires less time and money. Also doubles as a blanket in winter. Seriously, whenever I cut my hair I get really cold. And I haaaaaate wearing anything around my neck, so no scarves for me. Maybe it would work if I lived at the equator, but otherwise no.

      But maybe you are less fussy/cranky/resistant to change than I am? Go for it, you may find that it is just the thing for you. My dear friend cut off her hair and stopped dying it. Now, she has a steel grey super short pixie cut, and she looks amazing. She started wearing really colorful and glorious scarves because now her neck gets cold, and so she has a whole new look. It is fabulous.

    9. Ron McDon*

      Oooh yes!

      I went from chest-length hair to having a ‘pob’ (Victoria Beckham’s short bob) many years ago.

      Everyone was unfailingly complimentary – the best comment I had was ‘you’re very pretty, you couldn’t see that before with all that hair in the way’.

      My hair is very thick and coarse. In my head it looks lovely and sleek and swishy (and the front is like that), but the back of my hair is coarse, dry and strawlike, no matter how I condition it, treat it etc.

      I kept growing it longer, hoping that this time it would grow smooth and sleek, but it never did.

      About three years ago I saw a photo of me taken from the back (my hair was shoulder length) that horrified me so much I asked my hairdresser to cut it short at my next appointment! I used photos of Kris Jenner and Ginnifer Goodwin to show what I wanted (short back and sides, longer on top) and I’ve had variations of that ever since.

      I love it! It is so much more flattering – every time I see someone I’ve not seen in ages the first thing they say is how much they love my hair – it takes 5 mins to blow dry (instead of 30 mins when it was longer), and needs virtually no styling in the morning.

      Ask people with hair you like where they go, only get it cut somewhere where they really talk in depth before washing your hair about what result you want, and listen to your stylists opinion.

      It will grow back, but for me it’s been a huge confidence boost and has transformed my whole look. Once you get around the age of 40 long hair *can* drag your face and features down and make you look older – obviously this isn’t the case for everyone, before y’all start posting outraged comments! – and I definitely found it took years off me.

      Give it a try, you might find you love it!

    10. Tris Prior*

      I got a pixie cut as a teenager and discovered that it made my head look really, really small and out of proportion to my body. Laughably so. I am tall with broad shoulders and my hair is fine, straight, and clings to my head regardless of how I try to style it or what product I put in it. Maybe if my hair were naturally pouffier I would’ve had a different outcome.

      One of those things that you don’t know until you do it, I guess – but I also look like I have a little tiny pinhead if I wear my hair in a ponytail or bun so I should have known better. Maybe try a wig first and see how it looks?

    11. Violet Strange*

      I’m 53 and just chopped my shoulder length lob into first the haircut you describe and then yesterday a short allover true pixie. I LOVE it! So easy, looks good 90% of the time with minimal effort, shows off my earrings. I dont see going back below ear/jaw length anytime soon, maybe ever.

    12. Queer Earthling*

      In my early twenties I went from butt-length curls to a verrry short pixie. I haven’t gone back! I love how easy it is for me to take care of, and also for me it’s an easy way to visually shorthand my queer identity. (I also now have the shaved sides because my hair needed to get gayer, apparently.)

    13. Asenath*

      I had very short hair as a child, went through several periods as a teen and young woman when I grew it out – at it’s longest, it nearly reached my waist, and I kept it at that length for several years. I got tired of that, and the hairdresser I went to then suggested going short by stages – shoulder length first, then a bit shorter, and finally back to a very short cut rather like my childhood cut, which I’ve kept since I find it so convenient and easy to care for. Hair will grow back, but if you’re uncertain about an extreme cut, cut it in stages.

    14. Workerbee*

      Seconding the suggestion to try a wig! That’s a heck of a style difference to go to without being more sure.

    15. Ali*

      I went from long to a bob a year ago, and then to a pixie this fall, and I LOVE it. I disagree with those that says a pixie is more work – it’s the easiest haircut I’ve ever had and I love how it looks. My hair is medium-thick and wavy. I barely have to even brush it in the morning. Highly recommend going to short hair!

    16. Amy*

      I enjoy going from long to short. I’ve always grown it out for a few years, worn a few different long styles, then, when I was ready for a change, chopped it off into a cute short style for a few years. Longer styles take time to do, but short hair usually needs a product for styling and more frequent cuts. I also color my hair, and longer hair takes more time and treatment. It is just hair. I’ve accidently ended up dyeing it the wrong color (green once!), messing up bangs as a DIY, and other goofs, and it does grow back. Worst case scenario, clip in extensions or a wig :)

    17. Nessun*

      My hair is curly, thick, and long. I would never cut it, though it grows quickly, because it poofs up badly the shorter it is.
      That said, my go to anytime I consider change on my hair is my hairdresser. I’ve built a great rapport with the woman I’ve seen for years, and I trust her implicitly. If you have any good relationship with a stylist, I’d take your question to them – they’ll know your hair and face and what will suit best.

    18. AcademiaNut*

      I’ve had hair past my shoulders, and gone in one step to extremely short. I’ll never go back to longer hair! These days I get it cut very short (basically a pixie cut, worn spiky), grow it out for a few months then get it cut again.

      For me, hair needs to be long enough to be tied back, or short enough to be out of my face. My hair is very fine and limp, so longer hair just sits there unless I put a lot of effort into it, which I don’t do. Short needs to be cut more often, but dries quickly, take minimal effort to style, and is cool in summer.

    19. Fikly*

      I had hair down past my butt in high school. Chopped it off the day after prom (why yes, I enjoyed the looks of shock). I wanted to go full pixie, but was convinced to stop at just past my ears. Eventually I did go to a very short pixie, and these days (I’m 34) it’s a longer pixie.

      No regrets. There’s always hats!

    20. Nancy*

      I got my longer-than-shoulder-length hair cut short about 18 months ago, at age 43. Honestly, I love it! It’s so much easier to look after. My hair is really fine, and used to take ages to dry; now, I just give it a quick dry with the towel, comb some mousse in with my fingers and I’m set. And I think it looks better – it’s got more body now it’s not weighted down by length. So I say go for it!

    21. Ra94*

      About 5 years ago, I went from very long (past bra strap) hair to a chin-length bob. I don’t think it suited me as much as long hair, and I started growing it out after about a year, at which point I wanted long hair. But I didn’t regret it at all! It’s just hair, it was fun to see myself looking different, and it was kind of fun seeing what my hair looked like at each intermediate length while it grew out again.

      It was amazing how quickly my hair dried when it was short, but it was a pain not being able to tie it up, and I found I had to spend a bit more effort styling it and washing it more frequently.

    22. Thankful for AAM*

      I had below the shoulders hair when I started my job 6 years ago. It is now undercut (almost shaved) on both sides and chin length on top. I wear it all on one side or pulled into a clip on top. I’m 56. And I love this cut, I’ve had it for 2 years.

      Follow your gut. I really did not like the short cut I got first, kind of a bob, I much prefer this shaved look.

      Have fun with your hair!!

  63. scared*

    Anyone have tips for curbing anxiety when you don’t know your medical diagnosis? Whatever is wrong with me seems complicated and could be very serious, and I won’t know anything for a week or more. I’m doing more tests next week. How do I stop panicking? Thanks.

    1. Anoni*

      I am sorry you are going through this. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness 2 years ago and looking back now I would tell myself that I am a good researcher and advocate for myself and I will be able to manage my health well. My neighbour had a recent cancer scare and she researched treatment options for the worst case. Also took sleeping aids and filled her days with activities. I wish you a quick and positive resolution!

    2. Not A Manager*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. My two tricks are to plan, and to compartmentalize.

      The compartmentalizing is that you give yourself some time and space to think about the thing, and then at other times you try hard to postpone your thinking. It’s not always doable, but for me the key is having that clear time and mental space where I know that I WILL think about the thing. Maybe that’s at the therapist’s, or after dinner with your partner, or whatever.

      The planning is trickier. You can’t plan for everything, obviously. But if you take the thing you are most scared of, and think, “okay, if it was that thing what would I do,” and have that broad outline of who you would call, what you would research, how you would manage, THEN you can also try to put it aside. When the thoughts come back you remind yourself, “yes, and I have a plan for that. I don’t need to think about it more at this moment.”

      Best wishes for the next couple of weeks.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This.
        I went through a point in life where I thought worry was going to kill me.
        One thing that worked well is setting up a no-fly zone. From 9 pm on I would not allow myself to think about anything that was worrisome. My justification made sense to me, “It’s 9 pm. Even if I figure out an answer no one is available to help me implement that answer. No point to thinking about this thing any further right now.”

        Another cool thing that helped me was telling myself that it is okay if I do not know all the answers. The real problem is if *I* fail to go look for someone who CAN help me. This covered everything from car worries to sick pet worries to big life issue type worries. The failure is not in the not knowing, the failure is in the not asking.

    3. WTF Aging*

      This is going to sound counter-intuitive and maybe morbid, but when I was going in to get my appendix out, I wrote a medical directive document and a will. Somehow having all that organized made me feel better. I was 29 at the time, and my issue was not likely to be life-changing, but I had general anesthesia, which scares me.

    4. Anonymatic YoYo*

      I just went through this and I would argue that its better to stay off Dr Google and only stick to ‘official’ information sources like the national associations, etc to get the basic understanding of why X tests or what happens at the test, so I could be prepared. I like to research and know more but as the tests progressed and the outcome got worse, I was glad I didn’t ‘borrow trouble’ and was able to process in my own time and speed and not cause more angst than it was already going to cause.

      Compartmentalizing is good too and make sure you get out, get some exercise and air and human contact. I made sure to spend quality time with partner where we weren’t allowed to discuss the scary things that were happening. But I also allowed myself a chance to cry and let out the anxiety when I needed to.

    5. lasslisa*

      I don’t know if it’ll help you, but the concept of “borrowing trouble” helps me sometimes. Whatever planning and worrying you do now, you’ll have to do it all over again when you get the news. And that’s assuming you guess right! If you guys wrong then you’re borrowing trouble from a future that won’t even come to pass.

  64. Veruca*

    I got ring splints today, and although I know I’ll get used to them, right now they are annoying! I know several people on here wear them–what suggestions, tips, tricks and hacks do you have for me?
    Also, I’m not ready to answer people’s questions about them. Although I often have significant bracing, it’s usually covered by clothing.

    1. MinotJ*

      I’m following this thread! I’ll be getting a ring splint for my thumb in the next few months and I want to know what to expect.

    2. Fikly*

      You don’t have to answer people’s questions about them! Or be as brief as you want – they help my fingers, or something I like, whatever you want, it’s none of their business.

      I’m in the process of getting a ring splint for my thumb, but not wearing one yet.

  65. Nerdgal*

    I have been told that I will need cataract surgery sometime in the future. So I made an appointment for a consult with an eye surgeon. What should I
    Ask? If you have had this surgery, what would you do differently? I know there are several different options for what type of lens to get and I want to be prepared.

    1. Lore*

      Your biggest decision will be whether you want to optimize distance vision (and need reading glasses worse than you do now), close vision (and need distance glasses), try mono vision (one eye each and your brain covers the inconsistency), or pay extra for speciality lenses. The specialty lenses can be quite pricey but if, for example, you have a high-reading job but don’t want to be completely dependent on distance glasses, as I do, they’re amazing. Some people tolerate monovusion beautifully. I am not one of them—the interval between my two surgeries when I had one corrected and one in corrected eye was super challenging. Some surgeons will do Lasik post cataract surgery to get patients to 20/20. I’d already had LASIK so couldn’t do it again—but I’m at 20/40 in one eye & slightly better in the other so I u have low power distance glasses for the theater and driving and such.

      2. Nerdgal*

        Please say more about the special lenses. Are they like toric contact lenses? They sound interesting .

        1. Lore*

          There are a bunch of different kinds of specialty lens implants (which are mostly not covered by insurance, FYI, so that’s a consideration to be aware of). There are ones like toric lenses that correct astigmatism better than the standard spherical ones. There are also multifocal (I think that’s what they’re called) ones that (at the least the way my surgeon drew them for me) have rings with different magnification in different areas of the lens. Again according to my surgeon, people who are naturally extremely nearsighted (as I am) may not find these lenses work as well for them because the shape of your eyeball is usually longer than normal and it’s hard to get the focus areas right. The kind I chose are called accommodating lenses–essentially they’re installed on teeny springs so that the muscles of your eye can shift the lens to mimic the flexibility of a natural lens (the artificial ones are more rigid, which is why the standard implants give distance or closeup but not both). I am deliriously happy with my choice, but here’s a few caveats: 1) I developed cataracts very, very young–had the surgery in my mid-forties. So spending the extra money, when this choice materially impacts my day to day work life, was 100 percent worth it. 2) Not all surgeons are experienced with this type of lens, and they’re harder to “install” than other lenses. 3) Your surgeon or surgical center may require the use of a laser to break up the old lens in order to implant the specialty lens–I guess it makes the surgical field easier to work in?–which may also not be covered by insurance.

          I read and use the computer completely without glasses. As I said, I have distance glasses for situations that require them, and I actually have one pair of progressives because I write theater reviews and it proved impossible to take notes in the dark in distance-only glasses. But I wear them maybe 10 hours a week most weeks. (I also have always had poor night vision so sometimes I wear the glasses to give me a boost if, say, I’m meeting people in a dark restaurant, where distance alone wouldn’t necessarily require them.)

          1. Nerdgal*

            Great info, thanks. I do understand that insurance doesn’t cover the fancy stuff but it’s a quality of life tradeoff that I would at least consider.

  66. Goldfinch*

    Husband and I need to move house, and I’m so angry about it. We had a long-term plan to leave the east coast in a certain timeframe, based on my tenure at work and his family’s health issues. Now it’s all shot because our neighborhood is falling apart, and we need to get out while we can still sell. Throwing an extra move into the timeline is going to completely screw our meager finances. *yells into the void*

    Thanks for letting me vent.

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Depending on when you’re planning to move long distance, you may want to consider renting. And work on decluttering all the stuff you don’t need – that will make it easier, and help reduce moving costs.

      Good luck!

  67. Fellow Traveler*

    So my oldest child will soon be old enough to legally stay home by herself. Where I live, the age is eight- which seemed fine a couple of years ago, but now that it’s around the corner, she seems still so young! I’m excited at the prospect but also a little nervous. (It will be another five years before I can leave her at home with a younger sibling, though.)
    For those of you who have kids who stay home by themselves, or for those of you who have been a kid staying home by yourself, what kinds of things should I make sure she knows and can do? She already knows both parents’ cell phone numbers, and her street address, and how to use the landline. How else should I prepare her to be home by herself? Any other measures I should take to make sure she is safe? It seems so simple to leave her at home, but I’m sure I’m missing something.

    1. fposte*

      Thoughts: Walk her to exits–sure, she knows where your doors are, but it really helps to drill officially–have her manage any locks on her own while you watch, and identify where she should go if she has to leave for an emergency. Does she know the sound of the smoke alarm and the CO detector? Teach her those as well. Give her a quick rule for the order (maybe there’s one already?) to make sure she knows that she needs to leave the house first, *then* call 911 if an alarm goes off. I wouldn’t just make sure she knows the numbers (and I’d include 911 in there), I’d have her practice use them a few times while you watch, and maybe even run through some mock 911 calls with you.

      I don’t know what the ultimate plan is here, but I’d start with short interludes and work up if the goal is longer times. I’d also plan to check in with her while you’re out.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Just because something is legal doesn’t mean it’s the right time for your child or your family. So first, just evaluate whether you DO think she’s ready for this. Not just intellectually, but emotionally also.

      Are you thinking of this for occasional errands or picking up the younger child, or are you thinking of this as a regular, hours-long experience?

      I would start very small. Let her be “alone” in the house while you visit the neighbor next door for an hour. Then leave her while you run a quick errand, etc.

      You don’t want to freak her out, but while you’re home with her, ask her how she would troubleshoot various situations that might arrive. What if the Fed Ex guy rings the doorbell? What if the lights go out? What if the cat escapes onto the street? It can be less scary if you wait for the situation to arise organically and then ask her about it, if possible. “Oh, that’s the Fed Ex delivery. How would you handle that if I weren’t here?” “You need a bandaid? Show me what you’d do if there wasn’t an adult around.” If you encounter a situation in a book or on TV, ask her how she’d deal with it.

      In terms of rules and safety, I’d be sure that there’s a physical place that she is allowed to go if she needs an adult’s immediate help. It could be a few neighbors who are likely to be home, or if you’re in a city it could be the corner store, or whatever. I’d be sure that she knows how to reach emergency services. Don’t rely on her to “know” her address and your contact info in an emergency. Post it prominently.

      Be sure also that she knows your own safety rules. Is she allowed to use the microwave when you’re away? Is she allowed to sit in the backyard? Is she allowed to bathe or shower when there’s no one home?

    3. anon24*

      Good advice on here already. Do you have a trusted neighbor? When I was old enough to stay home alone my parents started leaving for gradually longer periods of time. I wasn’t allowed to use the stove, go outside and play, answer the phone or door, etc. but we had a trusted neighbor I could contact in an emergency. The rule was pretty much “you do not go outside or make a phone call unless you are calling or going to [neighbor] because you need help.” Does your daughter know who to call if she tries to call you and for some reason you don’t answer your phone? Does she know (within reason) what emergencies are “call parents right now” and which are 911 worthy? Does she know what information to give 911 in an emergency? What to do if someone comes to the door? Are you going to let her eat while she’s home alone? What if she starts choking? You can do abdominal thrusts on yourself – does she know how? I’m not trying to scare you or her, but being prepared is a good thing.

      And most importantly, is she ready for this? I remember being completely freaked out the first time I was home alone and that’s ok (i quickly learned to love having the house to myself) but I think there’s a point where a kid can just be too afraid.

    4. university minion*

      Treat it as not-a-big-deal and it won’t be. You’ve got the bases covered. I was allowed to answer the phone, and “She can’t come to the phone right now, can I take a message” was my script. Of course, sometimes mom had me use it when she was at home and just didn’t want to talk to anybody. Under no circumstances was I allowed to call long distance (that stuff was expensive!). I’m not sure who mom thought I’d call, but she drilled that into our heads, LOL.
      The microwave was no big deal, as I’d been using it for a few years already. I come from a family of tea drinkers, so fixing my own something I learned at an early age. There were also plenty of snacks accessible.
      If there are tasks you want her to do while you’re out, make a list. When I was that age, after school it was make pizza dough sometimes (a favorite activity and being able to do it myself was a HUGE deal to me), rake leaves/shovel the driveway if needed, and sometimes help a neighbor in her garden. These are all things I enjoyed, so it wasn’t a battle to have me do them.
      Keys were a pain point for me as a kid and my folks replaced the lock at the back door with one that opened with a code.
      I was and am a pretty voracious reader, so I spent plenty of time curled up with a book. I’m sure I did my share of stupid ish, but nothing that caused any damage to myself or the house.

    5. Gatomon*

      I spent a lot of time home alone growing up, just me and the pets (only child). I was about that age when I started getting left home alone, though I didn’t spend summers fully at home until 10ish. A lot of this stuff is basic self-sufficiency she’ll need to learn for adulthood.

      For starters, make sure she knows it’s okay to NOT answer the door if she isn’t expecting anyone or doesn’t feel comfortable – she is under no obligation to open the door just because someone knocked. Who do you want her to answer the door for? I assume first responders and relatives are probably okay, but if the kid down the street comes over, is she allowed to let her in, or to go to her house?

      I would also make sure she knows what to do in case of a typical emergency. Power loss, gas leak, CO leak, water or sewer issues, fire, etc. Where can she go if she needs to evacuate? Where should she go if there’s a weather emergency, and how does she monitor that? I grew up in tornado alley and I did have to ride out some tornado warnings home alone.

      Also something to check, will your landline work without power? Many landlines delivered now are not POTS but VoIP and require battery backups that may not be included with your service by default. You’ll also need a phone that runs solely on the CO power (a princess or hot dog style phone).

      I will say that my parents trusted me to do a lot of stuff that maybe the average parent wouldn’t – I was allowed to call the utilities if needed to report outages, start a fire in our fireplace for warmth if the power was out or the furnace failed, flip breakers, shut off water to everything and operate all major appliances. My parents showed me how to do all that stuff first though, and my dad was in construction so he was adamant I learn how the house operated from a young age. We lived in the burbs though, and I had friends who weren’t even allowed to use the stove until they got their learner’s permits.

    6. savannnah*

      This is totally kid dependent. My parents routinely left my twin and I at home at 9 with and without our younger brother who was 5 at the time alone and besides the one time he called 911 for fun, it was uneventful. We were able to use the microwave and if we went to the park a block or two away had to let them know- My parents both had beepers and were on call 24/7 so we had a bit more ways to connect with them in the 80s and early 90s than others and thus had more freedom. It’s also good to know your community, we had stay at home parents nearby if anything truly needed adult attention, so think about other resources nearby. We did break into our house a lot because we never remembered our house keys so make a plan for that if she’s going to be coming home to an empty house after school.

    7. LilySparrow*

      Well, I didn’t start leaving them home for significant stretches right away. Just maybe 20-30 minutes to go for a jog or grab something from the pharmacy.

      By the time they would fend for themselves for a couple of hours, they could:

      keep up with their own key and use it (our deadbolts are pretty stiff)

      Make a simple meal like tea, toast, and scrambled egg safely (both in terms of food safety and stove safety).

      Knew my & their dad’s cell numbers, and had a list of neighbor phone numbers.

      Knew and reliably followed the rules on media consumption and candy consumption.

      Knew how to use the toilet plunger (though the one who consistently blocks the john isn’t quite competent at unblocking it yet).

      Were confident about being alone and not afraid.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Not a parent, but I was a kid.
      I remember learning to be home alone. What my parents did that was super helpful is allow me to chose when I could stay home. There were days where I just was not feeling it, I did not feel safe or I did not want to be alone or whatever. Rather than diving deep into all that, my parents simply said, “Okay then come with us.” No big deal, no long winded debate or conversation over it.

      I did have a 135 pound dog who would lay down her life for me. That was also very helpful.
      I never went outside when my parents weren’t home. That was something I just chose, they never said either way.
      I remember asking for my aunt’s phone number multiple times. They gave me the number each time I asked.

      My parents did arrive back home at the time they said they would be home. That was important to me. If you are not good at estimating time, then pad your time so it appears you always arrive earlier than stated.

      Most of the time it was daylight hours that I would be home alone. I can’t remember ever being home alone after dark. It could be that I was, but it did not worry me?

      1. Chaordic One*

        I had sort of a similar background. I knew a lot of phone numbers and we had good neighbors who were home most of the time. Back in those days there weren’t as many women working outside of the home and there were also a lot of retirees in my neighborhood that I could have turned to if something did happen, but nothing ever did.

        Looking back, the one thing that sort of scares me a bit now that I think about it is that, as a child, after school, while waiting for my parents to come home, I did a lot of cooking. I was maybe 6 or 7 and alone or with my younger sisters at home and I was making hot chocolate or cooking canned soup on top of our electric range. That and making toast in the toaster. Nothing bad ever happened. But it was a bit risky for a child to be doing.

    9. ..Kat..*

      I recommend having a code word or phrase that you and your child remember. If a stranger tells her that you are hurt and asked the stranger to bring her to you, they have to know the code word. For the first week or so, practise the code word/phrase with each other.

      Honestly, children at eight years old vary widely as to maturity and emotional readiness to be alone. You know best wheher she is ready.

    10. Fellow Traveler*

      Thanks, all! This is very helpful and concrete. I like the idea of presenting her with scenarios. She is a good kid, but sometimes she can be impulsive, so drilling into her what to do is probably important. Inthink at this point it might just be leaving her while we take her brother to daycare or run to the store for milk- so 30-40 minutes tops. I’m not worried about her getting into trouble, just want her to feel and be safe. honestly if we were to leave her at home she would probably sneak candy and spend the time in her room playing with her Barbies.

  68. Ermintrude*

    Has anyone ever lived in a listed building? We’re looking at renting a cob house with thatch, a septic tank and oil heating. It looks really cool but I am worried about whether it will be cold There’s a massive fireplace (cool but also a bit anxiety inducing) alongside the radiators but I am still worried.

    I’ve also never lived in a hamlet before so insight on that also welcome. There’s not really a nice garden to the house and there are no pavements or community buildings! It’s basically about five houses and that’s it – although a ten minute drive gets you back to the village we live in now.

    This isn’t a desired move but our current rental is being taken back, so we have to find somewhere in the next few months

    Thank you for any insight!

    1. Historic Hamlet Dweller*

      Can’t help on listed building, although do rent with oil heating and a septic tank. I wouldn’t own either, but honestly, they’re fine. My water rates are miniscule and we spend less than £600/year on heating oil for a 3 bedroom house which isn’t double glazed.

      Make sure your landlord is responsible for dealing with the septic tank (most are).

      Hamlet wise, I live in a cluster of 3 houses a mile from any others. The quiet is intense, and it took me a long time to get used to not being able to wander to the shops or pub in 5 minutes. I did however move from the centre of a major city – it sounds like it would be less of a massive step for you.

      1. Jenny*

        Sounds lovely! the relevant point for energy consumption isn’t that the house listed, but the size and that it’s cob and thatch.

        I lived in a big Tudor farmhouse and it was freezing, though we got it re-insulated. (The big Tudor Manor House over the road was apparently way worse.) The floors were the original pammets and they sucked out heat. We had big fireplaces, etc etc.

        however, I’m guessing that the cob house has got small rooms with small windows and low ceilings, so that should be better. Thatch is supposed to be a great insulator. Key things to look at – is it double glazed, single glazed or secondary glazing? Are there drafty original doors that have shrunk? Are there heavy curtains over the doors and windows? What are the floors? Is the fireplace blocked up, or open? Does it have a stove? Can you stand in the fireplace and stare up and see out?
        Would you mind if you just need to wear jumpers and sit with hot water bottles and rugs?

        Plus side – it’s a rental, so you can try it for a year! Down side – you can’t fix any of the problems…

        1. Ermintrude*

          Thank you! The windows aren’t double glazed unfortunately and the fire is open (so yay fire, boo drafts) – you can see out if you look. Downstairs is carpet, upstairs is wood so non slip rugs would be needed (and thick curtains, i agree).

          1. Jenny*

            It will be very cold in the room with the fireplace in winter. Heat will just go out of the chimney, though you could try and block it with a chimney balloon. I’m worried that it’s been left as an open chimney as that’s such an immediate heat loss source – makes me wonder what else hasn’t been done!

          2. Bagpuss*

            The lack of double glazing is likely to be due to the listed status. Are there thick, lined curtains?
            Also check for, or plan to get, draft-excluders for the doors.
            Is the fireplace in working order?
            An open fire can be lovely but if you have a large fireplace & open chimney which you *don’t* use, it is going to loose heat and increase drafts – ask about a chimney balloon.
            Thatch is pretty good insulation.

  69. MOAS*

    Thank you to Allison who recommended a Lisa Jewell book a while back. I got hooked to it and have read many books from that author. Just picked up her new title at target to read on my upcoming trip.. excited!

  70. travelling to canada*

    Any suggestions/word of advice for me? My husband and I are staying in Mississauga for the entire week of US Thanksgiving. Most of the days are booked for family stuff, but I ll have a day or two where I’ll be free during the day. I was considering a day trip into downtown Toronto. Any suggestions on where to go? I’ve been to CN tower in past trips, and I’ve been to Gerard street, but that’s about it.

    For background, we’ve been coming here once a year for about 13 years or so..we usually stay in Mississauga & Brampton and rarely venture further out. My husband likes to stay home with family, but I’ll have access to a car but wouldn’t mind taking public transit to the downtown area. Since I’ll be alone I would prefer a day trip.

    1. Old and Don’t Care*

      I’d go to Niagara Falls and/or Niagara on the Lake (never been there in winter, though, so vet that suggestion). I’lo be interested in what folks say about Toronto; I used to travel to Mississauga for work frequently, and they gave us a couple tours of Toronto but nothing stuck with me at all.

      1. travelling to canada*

        Thanks! I’ve been to Niagara, that’d be more of a family trip though. The day trip would be solo.

        Where in Mississauga would you go? Just curious, apolgoies if this is too personal to ask.

        This is the first time in 4 years we’ll be in Ms. It’s a reallynice area

    2. GTA Native*

      For the downtown day trip: I’d check out Kensington Market for interesting food (which cater to almost every dietary preference under the sun), St. Lawrence Market (indoor market with various vendors), Royal Ontario Museum, Ripley’s Aquarium. There’s also some winter/holiday events like the Christmas Market that are on already if that’s something you’re into.

  71. Third or Nothing!*

    YOU GUYS I FINISHED MY HALF MARATHON!!!!

    I am so proud of myself! It was really hard. I got injured early last month and lost a ton of ground with training. My feet started hurting at mile 4 and got so bad by mile 6 that I limped the rest of the way in. 7 freaking miles I limped. If it hadn’t been for this awesome other runner who said she’d stick with me come Hell or high water, I would have quit. But I did it in the allotted time frame and earned that medal with blood, sweat, and a lot of tears.

    2. Warm Weighty Wrists*

      Good job, you! Don’t forget to stretch, ice, elevate, whatever is medically called for re your injury.

    3. LGC*

      Congrats! I saw your post last week, but I didn’t have a chance to congratulate you!

      The tough races are the ones that teach the most. My first half marathon (in Jersey City in mid September – so still summer) I ended up walking three times at least. (I’d also lost some ground with training.) Somehow I decided to come back for more.

      1. Third or Nothing!*

        Ha, my first 10k was back in February. It was a similar experience, except it was blisters that made me limp the last mile in. You’d think I would say no more, but I signed up for 3 more 10Ks and a half. I think I’m going to go back down to 10Ks for a while though. I’m slow enough that the long runs were taking up a whole Saturday morning and I was starting to feel like I never got any quality time with my daughter.

        1. LGC*

          Yeah, I can definitely understand that! I’ve done marathon training. I’m a single guy with no kids and fairly fast, but 20 mile runs are just an ordeal in terms of time.

          If you decide to do a half marathon again, you can probably get away with keeping your long runs around 2 to 2 1/2 hours. Mileage is important, but also it’s not worth giving up your life to train (even if you’re a professional).

          1. Third or Nothing!*

            I’ve decided I will wait until all my hypothetical children are old enough to either stay home or ride bikes alongside me. With my husband working nights I had to take my 2.5 year old on every run and it was rough. And we still want more! Eventually.

  72. Google Question*

    Hi. I want some sources on how I can learn how Google tracks my location. I currently have a Google Pixel that got two gmail accounts saved in. One account I have more control over than the other. I wonder if Google tracks my location by my phone number or by my gmail account. If I change a location in one account, can my location still be tracked in my other gmail account that is in my Google phone?

    1. Gatomon*

      I’m not entirely sure what you’re asking, but my understanding is that location tracking is done using the GPS chip inside of your phone and is done at the account level. So disabling one account wouldn’t change the setting on another. If you search for “Manage your Location History” you’ll find Google’s article on how their location tracking works and what is tracked, how to disable, etc.

      If you’re referring to the location of your Google account itself, I’m not seeing that as an option or setting within mine.

      If you mean location sharing (where your location is shared with someone else), within your Google Account you can disable this. People & Sharing > Location Sharing via the web, Settings > Location > Advanced > Google Location Sharing on my Pixel. But you’ll need to do this for each Google account you have.

    2. Gaia*

      It is using location data from your phone and , if allowed, your IP address when you access Google services via browser. Browser settings determine if they can see your location when accessing their services online. If you don’t want them to, always use incognito mode. You can also turn off location settings on your phone, to stop Google from tracking you that way.

    3. Anon Here*

      They track data from all possible sources. Your “location” is set by the GPS data from your phone + your phone’s carrier data (which tower it’s getting reception from) + IP for any wifi networks you connect to + said data from any other devices you log into with an account that Google can get data from (which is a lot).

      They don’t always know where you are, but they usually do.

      1. Bilateralrope*

        Even if you drive past a wifi network without connecting to it, Google will use that to get your location. Chances are that enough people have gone near it with gps enabled to let Hoogle know where it is.

        Also, I’m choosing to leave that last autocorrect fail in because it amuses me.

  73. going anon for this*

    (It’s okay to answer on anon as well. Whatever makes people feel comfortable.) Does anyone here have first- or second-hand experience and info about psychiatric service dogs, either owner-trained or from an organization? What are the pros and cons? What tasks are they trained for, and have handlers got good or bad experiences to share? (am “asking for a friend”/ the friend is me)

    1. Anoning as well*

      I’ve looked into this a bit as well. I’ve been interested in one for PTSD support, and what I learned is that since I also have autism (though I don’t feel a need for a support dog for that) the vast majority of places that train them would require the dog be trained for both.

      Which is great in theory, but I could not find an org that trained dogs for both, at which point I got discouraged and gave up. Also, a lot of the orgs that train for PTSD are veterans only, and as I am not a vet, I found that frustrating as well.

      1. Close Bracket*

        There are psychiatric service dogs for autism? Please tell me more about this! I’m not nearly autistic enough to need a service dog, but I’m fascinated by the concept.

  75. Lives in a Shoe*

    Espresso machine question! I’m hoping there are other Gaggia Classic owners who can help. My steamer wand has started making big “blup blup” boiling motions in the milk instead of the smooth frothy marshmallow-cream like steam froth I was getting. I’ve cleaned the wand and this morning did a full descale. The steam appears to be coming out in a nice cone with the wand cover off, but it’s still messing up my milk. Ideas? Experiences?

  76. Aurora Leigh*

    I want to make better use of my spice rack and get better at cooking from scratch, but I’m not really sure how to start.

    One thing we really love is chopping up some chicken and various veggies and then mixing them with rice a roni, hamburger helper, and similar box mixes. I’d love to just buy the rice in grains in bulk and season things myself, but I don’t really know which spices to use or what goes good together, and my attempts come out too bland.

    Any recipes or resources?

    2. D'Euly*

      When did you last purchase spice? If you’re like most people, your spices are old and hence pretty tasteless. Visit a spice store or natural foods store that sells spices in bulk, so that you can smell/taste in the store and then get little quantities of some interesting things to experiment with–this way is much cheaper and you won’t waste. A nice food blog like Smitten Kitchen is fun to give ideas, but really any recipe you pull up can be a starting point. Google the central flavor you want for your chicken, like curry or chili or lemon, and you’ll see the range of spices recommended in various recipes. Or google chicken and whatever veggie you want to have and see what flavors others have gone with. And then it’s just a matter of trying and tasting until you get something you like! If you’re having issues with blandness, that might also be a salt issue–adding salt will make all your spices sing out more.

    3. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      You could start with premised spice blend like Cajun spice and lemon pepper. Just be careful to check the salt and sugar content because some use those as filler.

      If you really want to start from scratch, get *good* spices (I find that spices from ethnic grocers are fresher and cheaper) and check out professional chefs’ blends. I’ve never been steered wrong by Alton Brown.

    4. Lady Kelvin*

      You can look at The flavor thesaurus by Niki Segnit. Instead of a typical cookbook it provides flavor “recipes” so that you can mix and match spices to get your desired flavors and figure out new combinations to go together. Its more of an advanced cooking type of deal because it won’t give you specifics, but it is great for figuring out how to flavor things. For the transition off boxed stuff, my only advice is to start with recipes (online, like all recipes or food blogs) and the more you cook the better you’ll get the feel for what tastes good and how much of each to put in. And of course, taste your food while you are cooking it so that you can tell if you need more or less of something. Write down what you did as you are doing it, then next time you can refer back to it and change it as needed. I even make notes on my printed recipes so that I know what I changed or would like to change next time.

    5. Natali*

      A spice company can be a nice place to buy from as they’ll have more recommendations for newbies. I just always go to the Penzey’s near me but there are others. They also usually have a lot of information online if there aren’t a lot of stores near you.

      We got my brother a spice subscription box once as a gift. I think it was RawSpiceBar and it wasn’t terribly expensive. They send recipe cards as well.

      2. Clever Name*

        Penzey’s is mail order as well. They have a lot of good spice blends and it tells you what goes with what type of meat.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      If you google “spice chart posters” you can get a poster suitable for framing and hang it on your wall. I have one for herbs. It reminds me of what goes with what and also prompts me to try something different. And it looks pretty cool on the wall.

      If stuff is coming out bland, you might be able to taste test it before it is totally done cooking and add more of whatever to it. I make notes in my recipe books to add more or less of this or that. Some of it is just personal preference.

      Your basis for starting is to recognize what spices you DO like and add those more often. These spices become your foundation. When I try a new spice I tend to prefer not to use it with others so I can tell what it tastes like.

      Sometimes stuff just occurs to me. Years ago, I was putting pineapple on ham steaks and decided cinnamon would be a good addition. Yep, that worked. ha!

    7. Auntie Social*

      If you like wild rice try Uncle Ben’s Wild Rice (slow cook) but cook it with chicken broth, not water—then mix with cooked chicken, broccoli, mushrooms, etc. You can saute things in a skillet while the rice is cooking and then combine the two pans at the end–yummy.

    8. Jdc*

      I do this. I pre make batches of spice blends. Pinterest is where i get all my recipes. I use mason jars to store just because it’s easy and write on top what it is and the amount needed per dish.

    9. RandomPoster*

      In addition to the flavor combinations, another thing to keep in mind is that those box mixes are absolutely swimming in salt – that’s why they’re so delicious!

      1. lasslisa*

        This is right – if you’re getting the “wrong” flavor, try your spice cabinet. If you’re adding more and more spices and it’s still “too bland”, that’s a salt problem 98% of the time. You can also get flavor without salt by adding glutamates (e.g. broth) and I find onion powder key for generic depth of flavor.

        I’d suggest trying to cook in broth (or broth made with bouillon) instead of water, and increasing your salt. You don’t have to (probably don’t want to) as as much as is in the box but to help you get an upper limit, try reading the amount of sodium in a box of whatever mix you would use. Chicken rice a roni has 960 mg per serving and 3 servings, a according to their website, so that’s 120 mg short of three full grams of sodium. About 1+ 1/4 teaspoons of salt, call it a rounded teaspoon. That is a LOT to add to a pan that size. So if you’re just sprinkling salt on and not adding at least, say, 1/2 tsp, your flavor is going to be much blander. Bouillon and broth also already have a lot of salt so if you take that option you wouldn’t want to add as much salt, of course.

    10. lasslisa*

      Start by experimenting with it. Take a batch you’ve made that you think is bland, scoop some into a small bowl, and experiment. Add salt – does it taste better? Dash of onion powder, garlic powder? Italian herbs and spices blend? This is how you can learn without risking the whole pot.

    11. Chaordic One*

      If you’re lazy like I am, you could just buy “Mrs. Dash” seasoning blends at the supermarket. They are surprisingly good and underrated products.

  77. Typhon Worker Bee*

    Alison, had you watched the TV version of The Leftovers before reading the book? It’s my all-time favourite show, so I waited a couple of years before reading the book so I could try to enjoy it in its own right. Ultimately I liked both, but I thought the adaptation was way, way better. The author of the book seemed almost as if he hadn’t quite realised what an amazing premise he’d come up with, and treated the subject matter quite lightly; the show was much more profound and moving.

    1. Windchime*

      I was going to ask this question, too. I watched the TV version and found it really weird, compelling, and kind of scary/beautiful. I haven’t read the book because the TV show made such an impression on me. I really liked it.

      1. Typhon Worker Bee*

        The book is fine, and won’t spoil your enjoyment of the TV adaptation. It has some additional details about The Guilty Remnant and the cult of Holy Wayne that enhanced my understanding of those parts of the story. But really, my main takeaway after finally reading it was to feel thankful that the people who adapted it managed to see the potential in the starting material, and to expand and deepen it in the way that they did.

        I think I feel rewatch #2 approaching!

      2. Courageous cat*

        Agreed. The show in and of itself was pretty perfect, very profound and moving in a lot of ways, and I’d be hesitant at this point to mess with that by reading the book.

    2. RB*

      Yes, I watched the first couple episodes of the show, then switched over to the book. I thought the book would be much deeper and more thought provoking than it ended up being, based on the episodes I had watched. Now I wish I had stuck with the TV show rather than reading the book. All through the book I kept waiting for it to get beyond the prosaic and ended up being disappointed.

  78. Sunflower*

    I can’t tell if I’m depressed, having a drop in energy levels or both.

    I feel perpetually exhausted. By the time the weekend comes around, I’m so beat all I want to do is stay in and lounge. I’m naturally extroverted and like spending time with my friends. I love exploring and experiencing new things- i think it’s the feeling of not having enough time to relax and recharge that is holding me back from doing stuff. I’ve been really busy with work(and unhappy) and that’s contributing but it’s been this way since before that. I’m 31 and I feel way too young to feel like this. By Sunday, I feel upset that I’ve wasted another weekend not doing anything to change my situation.

    I’m jealous of people who seem effortlessly able to do this. I feel like my life is passing me by. I’m doing a lot of exploratory work to figure out what I really want to do with my career but I can’t keep counting down til Friday and then wasting my weekend away on a cycle until that happens.

    I already see a therapist but I feel like other people have experienced this before and I’d love some real life tips and resources from other people who have struggled with this.

    1. Gatomon*

      I’m the same age and I’ve been struggling with it myself. I know it’s not depression – I don’t have any of the other typical symptoms for me, and I’ve been through enough depressions to know how it typically goes for me.

      I talked to my doctor about it, and have gone through a bunch of tests where nothing unusual has come up. I am as healthy as I’ve always been, apparently. I generally get enough sleep of decent quality, according to my Fitbit. I suppose there’s always room for improvement with diet and exercise, but it’s really hard to tackle these things with no energy. Oftentimes I am just too tired to tackle making a “proper” meal for 1 after a long, stressful workday.

      My company made us start tracking our hours earlier this year (we’re salaried exempt on my team so it’s never been a thing before), and I have been keeping a private tab using that data to see how much I’m actually working. I noticed that while I’m only averaging about 42 hours per week, I’ve already put in a extra 40 hours worth of work since we started counting. Now I’m wondering if that is actually the problem I’m experiencing and not just naturally growing older. My job is very intellectually intensive but not physically intensive at all, so I wonder if there’s an issue with that physical/mental disconnect.

      Things I’m doing to combat fatigue: getting stricter about giving myself more time in bed, doing what I can to offload household chores or make them more effective (a smarter robot vacuum, a dishwasher that works better so no more handscrubbing/rewashing/drying) or easier (breaking them up into short chunks each day) and reflecting back on how I’ve spent my time each day so it feels less “wasted.” I’m also considering a treadmill or exercise bike to get more exercise. (My allergies are so bad that going outside isn’t an option frequently.)

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Do you have a set bedtime and stick to it?
      Do you drink water regularly?
      It was helpful for me to get up at the same time 7 days a week. This reduced the disappointments about having to get up early for work. I took naps on weekends, so that was a treat.

      Not much consolation but by the time I was 30, it was in my face that I wasn’t 17 any more. Make sure your expectations are realistic. If you are working 50-60 hours a week, you probably aren’t going to do much on weekends.

      I think until you move to change your situation, it will be hard. Try to break the process up into small, tiny steps and try to do a tiny step at regular intervals. Older me has gown fond of working for myself before I go to work. It’s a parallel to pay-yourself-first that people talk about with budgeting. I get up in the morning and I do things for ME first and foremost. Then I go to work and work for other people. Keep it simple, working for you can be doing a load of laundry or spending a half hour looking a job openings. Keep it simple and keep it doable.

    3. lasslisa*

      What happens if you do go out? If you push yourself out to go for a walk or attend something you signed up for, or if you had plans with a friend (say for them to come over, even). Is it draining, or energizing?

      Sometimes our brains are mistaken about what will make us feel better. Sometimes it’s true that rest and recuperation is what you need and doing anything else makes you more tired (this is true for me when I’m sick). Sometimes, though, it’s just the path of least resistance but leaves you feeling gross and listless (this is how it is for me usually). Generally, getting out and moving around and having somewhere you need to be are things that increase people’s energy levels.

      It’s worth a try to find out how you respond.

    4. merp*

      Late response, but if you haven’t done blood work lately, it could be a good idea. Could be something as simple as a vitamin deficiency! I went through this earlier this year (did all the testing, although in my case it turned out to be a side effect of medication) and it’s really hard, wishing you well!

  79. fhqwhgads*

    Informal poll:
    Do you get birthday presents as an adult?

    I stopped getting birthday presents from friends and family at some point when I was a teenager. At the time I assumed it was because it was a sort of rough time for my family, and I didn’t need presents, so I assumed financially it seemed easy for relatives to just…stop. NBD. Never asked. And I didn’t have birthday parties so there was no real time/place/reason for anyone else to give gifts either. Later I thought maybe it was just A Thing for little kids. Then I grew up and moved elsewhere and basically, I’ve only ever received birthday gifts from significant others since. It occurred to me recently I don’t know if this is pretty common or not, or maybe it varies so widely that there are on ton of people at all points? I know some cultures do not celebrate birthdays at all. I’m not asking about that. I also know in movies/TV etc it seems like birthday presents seem to be a thing for all ages, all people, and I’ve basically come around to wondering is that just a TV thing or what? I don’t have any frame of reference other than TV vs my experience and that’s not a great sample size.

    1. Dan*

      I’m going to go with “varies widely”.

      TBH, I think birthdays are for kids. Others disagree with me.

    2. Queer Earthling*

      Not from my family (although my sister sent me an Edible Arrangement a couple years ago) but my spouse, metamour, and I are all big gift people, so the three of us tend to make a decent little birthday fuss for one another.

      (Spouse and I both had pretty crummy childhoods, though, so to an extent it may balance out.)

    4. Thursday Next*

      Another vote for “varies widely.”

      Personally, I think adults should plan their own birthday treats (parties, outings, etc.), and/or make their expectations clear to significant others. It’s possible but not expected that parents will do something for an adult’s birthday.

    5. Nessun*

      Nope. I don’t get Christmas presents either. If I want something I have to buy it. I do feel rather resentful of those who do, but mostly because it represents to me that they have special people that give them presents – it’s the only time singledom messes with my head: birthdays and Christmas.

    6. Laura H.*

      I still get gifts but it’s usually some money or smallish items (this year I asked for money for new underwear from my folks and got a gift card to my favorite grocer and some m&ms from my friend). And that’s kinda true of my entire nuclear family of four. (Brother can be an exception as his birthday is day after Christmas.) But I also got about half $$ towards a Nintendo Switch from my uncle and my brother so it’s kinda not certain on smallness.

    7. Asenath*

      I don’t get birthday presents as an adult. I don’t know how common that is. I never did get birthday presents from friends after I stopped having birthday parties as a child (my idea, I disliked them). One of my aunts made it known that all nieces and nephews would stop getting presents when they hit age 18. Most of the others never did give me Christmas presents. My parents gave me a present until they died (and I did them), one of my surviving siblings gives me a combined birthday/Christmas present, the other has long since opted out of all gift-giving. This arrangement entirely suits me.

      We have an arrangement at work in which our immediate workgroup has a snack during a coffee break for each person’s birthday, and the birthday person gets to take home any leftover food (usually cake). We don’t normally take coffee breaks at all. That’s the only way I celebrate my birthday these days.

    8. ten alpacas*

      My dad sometimes gives me cash, sometimes with a mission, (by a nice bottle of wine/take your family out to nice dinner), sometimes not. He’s done that for about half my adult birthdays. My partner … sometimes remembers? Almost never any presents though, and that’s fine. Sometimes we’d do something special that I chose, usually go to the fancy dessert place and have fancy dessert. But lately, with kids being all busy doing their things we can’t really count on that. My mother in law is very good at remembering to send my partner a birthday card, but she doesn’t buy any presents. I sometimes buy my partner a present, if there is something they’d like. (this year a book came out just before their birthday, so I bought that, but we’d have bought that book eventually anyway).

    9. Parenthetically*

      Yep, another vote for “this varies widely.” My birthday gifts from my husband thus far are flowers and a nice dinner out. My parents recently moved close to us and I know they’re getting me a gift, but I don’t know what — they didn’t give me gifts typically when we lived a thousand miles apart.

      For milestone birthdays I’ve gotten the occasional token gift from a friend — a bottle of bubbly, some movie tickets, that sort of thing.

    10. Wicked Witch of the West*

      Other than hubby, anyone who would give me gifts has gone to their greater reward.
      I tend to buy myself jewelry for birthdays and Christmas and other “events”. For our 45th anniversary the hubby said, it’s one of those number times, buy yourself something. I went in the bedroom and came out wearing a ring I had purchased several months before. I asked if that would do. He thought it was nice. I wear it often.
      I don’t miss getting gifts of things I don’t want and won’t use. {{shrug}}

    11. Alex*

      My mom will send me a card with some money. Last birthday a friend gave me a sort of gag gift (that I thought was funny and appreciated). I don’t regularly receive gifts though. I’m in my 30s.

    12. Lady Kelvin*

      My mom will still buy me a birthday present some (most?) years and my husband usually does something nice (this year, tickets to see Phantom) but otherwise, no, I haven’t done birthday gifts since I was a teen. My husband’s family has always expected gifts on their birthdays, and I found that really weird (like your 30 year old sister will stop speaking to you if you don’t buy her exactly what she wants? really? is that a bad thing?). I don’t typically buy him birthday gifts, and for the most part, have convinced him to stop buying his adult siblings gifts.

    14. Not A Manager*

      Haha. I was just thinking about this the other day. In my opinion, birthday and winter holiday presents are for children and for very close loved ones. I’ve never been to an adult party where people brought anything more than a token gift, if that.

      Except for one.

      Many years ago, my husband’s cousin invited me to a “girls only” lunch at her house for her mother’s birthday. I showed up with, I think, a cute card. After lunch, all the women sat down in the living room and LITERALLY SAT AND WATCHED THIS LADY OPEN HER PRESENTS. I haven’t seen that since I was five years old. And these presents were not “token gifts.” They were jewelry, clothing… I could not believe it.

      I know I sound super judgmental when I say this, but that’s not my intention. These things are obviously very community-specific, and in this community that’s how people celebrate birthdays. What I want to convey is how entirely unexpected and foreign this was to me. I truly felt like an anthropologist doing a participant-observer study. I’ve also never been at another adult birthday that was even remotely like that one, which enhances my retrospective Twilight Zone perception.

    15. Deanna Troi*

      I get birthday presents from each of my parents (they are divorced), my sister, two aunts, my husband’s parents, his sister, and three close girlfriends (I’m female). Based on the responses here, maybe that isn’t the norm everywhere, but it is normal for my friends and family.

    16. OyHiOh*

      Mr Oy liked to get me a piece of jewelry (I collect vintage costume jewelry), clothing I had an eye on but wouldn’t buy myself, and/or practical things that I wanted but wouldn’t buy for myself. (See a theme here??? LOL) Family members send cards, parents usually send a check.

      This year being different, I got a lovely collection of cards from family and friends, Neptune and I went out for dinner and a show, and he bought me a book (appropriate, thoughtful, and again, something I wanted but wouldn’t buy for myself . . . . . ). I don’t generally need a lot of “stuff” (except books and vintage costume jewelry!!) but cards and personal words from family and friends are better. Something to hold on to on dark days.

    17. LilySparrow*

      When I was single I’d get a couple of cards from relatives or maybe a check from my parents.

      Now I’m married with kids, Ill get a modest present from my husband (like a new Sudoku book or a nice pair of slippers) and some handmade cards from the kids. My inlaws send a small check, too. The big birthday tradition in our house is making a cake together, but that’s mostly because we are GBBO fans.

      I never really exchanged birthday cards or presents with friends or extended family as an adult. Most of the time, I don’t even know what their birthdays are, or they mine.

      I do have a calendar of extended family birthdays, and Ill call or send a text, and vice-versa.

    18. Not So NewReader*

      I have gone in and out of spells of getting birthday presents. At one time, I decided that I really did not want any. People guess at what we would like. Some stuff was verrry nice. But as the years roll by I have no where to put it and NO energy to take care of it. I know other people who feel the same way.
      Finally after my husband passed I stopped gifting fellow adults entirely. It’s just not in the budget any more.

    19. Amy*

      Hm. Somewhere around college, I stopped getting “gifts,” but my family/extended family started sending cards with cash. My partner is habitually broke (for good reasons) and gives experience/dates. But I’m going to guess it is going to vary be person/family.

    20. Nicki Name*

      Among immediate family members, yes, unless they say otherwise. On both sides of my family, people tend to announce sometime in their 60s that they don’t want any more stuff.

    21. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Fhqwhghads: not meaning this to sound snarky, but do you buy birthday presents for aunts/uncles/cousins/parents/friends yourself? If you don’t, it’s not surprising you don’t get any – it’s usually a mutual exchange and part of the culture of the family.

      I get a birthday present from my husband, brother and parents. Usually something like a gift card. I do the same for them. Personally I think us exchanging gift cards is kinda silly but that’s what we ended up doing as a family.

      1. fhqwhgads*

        I wasn’t asking to find out why I do/don’t get presents. I was asking to have some sense of what “normal” is beyond my personal experience and television, which are otherwise my only frame of reference. I don’t have aunts/uncles/cousins/parents who are both alive and know me. I don’t live anywhere near my closest friends, who, if I saw any time on or near their birthdays I would certainly get them gifts, but being so far away it seems sort of weird to ship them something. They don’t do so to me and neither do I them. I do have friends where I live but we’re not super close. I don’t even necessarily know when those friends’ birthdays are in many cases (nor do they mine). So I don’t think I’m committing any major social faux pas here. It just occurred to me I have no idea what’s common, and thought of it specifically because of seeing stuff on TV or in movies that seemed way disproportionate to real life, and I never know if the answer is “yeah that only happens in movies” and everyone knows it, or if it’s more that sometimes that happens in real life and sometimes it doesn’t and if its happening in a movie tells me about those specific characters rather than being an exaggerated trope that only exists in fiction.

    22. lasslisa*

      I think everyone is kind of figuring this one out on their own and taking cues from the people around them. So if you were to start sending your friends birthday cards or gifts, they would more likely go “oh, crud, is that a thing we’re supposed to do?” and then start doing it. Or if they weren’t reciprocating the normal thing would be for you to stop. A couple friends and I give each other small stuff (This llama fridge magnet made me think of you! Try this cool chocolate liqueur!) but mostly it’s just immediate family and spouses in my world.

      But basically as soon as it falls off it stays fallen off.

      Did your parents receive birthday gifts when you were a kid? From who?

    23. Clever Name*

      My mother loves shopping, and I always get a ton of presents from her (I’m 40). Birthdays are a big deal in my family.

    24. Chaordic One*

      No, not anymore. The only people who give me birthday presents are my parents. My siblings and various aunts and uncles used to, but we kind stopped doing it over time, and some of the aunts and uncles passed away. My grandparents sent presents until they passed. I still get cards from my siblings and close friends.

      In my social circle, if an adult has a birthday party, gifts are not expected, although someone might bring along something like flowers or something to eat or drink, like candy or a dessert or a bottle of wine or a 6-pack of beer.

    25. Coco*

      Hello. Yes, I give and receive birthday gifts from friends and certain members of family (my in laws are more into gift exchanging than my parents or siblings). For reference, I’m in my early 40’s. My closest friends are long distance so it tends to be sporadic. I send and receive gifts anywhere from the week of the birthday to 4 or 5 months after. Just whenever the timing works / we see something that reminds us of the other and think ‘that would be a nice gift’. My in laws are very into birthdays dinners out with gifts so husband and I reciprocate. it can get to be a bit more than what I’d like. (Both in receiving and in giving. Starts to feel a bit competitive )

      I’m pretty crafty so I tend to make a gift and then supplement it with other things so I don’t spend a lot of money. And I think my friends spend about the same on me. Ex for the Ironman fan, made an Ironman themed tote and filled with coffee and snacks they like.

    26. londonedit*

      I do (just turned 38 a month ago). I happen to really love my birthday and see it as a wonderful excuse to get all my friends together, so I love celebrating every year. My parents, sister and partner all give me birthday gifts (and vice versa) – nothing huge, but gifts nonetheless. With my friends it’s usually a mix – the people who come along to whatever birthday drinks gathering I organise will do a mixture of bringing a gift, bringing a card, or buying me a drink, and I’m happy with all of those! Obviously I’d never ask for a gift from anyone, but it is a thing that happens.

  80. Aurora Leigh*

    How to be a good friend when your friend is making life choices you think are not wise?

    My friend has gotten into an (from my perspective) unhealthy relationship. I’ve not said anything about it so far, but I think I’ll have to say something eventually.

    My friend (B) is in her late 20s/early 30s and like me hasn’t had much experience with romantic relationships. She has low self esteem and used to joke about being alone forever. She works in a public facing role and about 3 months ago started dating a patron (R) that came in daily. He is 55, a grandfather, has been homeless (until he moved in with her and her mother) and unemployed. He has issues with alcohol abuse, has served prison time for DUI and credit card fraud, and has a court case pending for another DUI. Most worryingly of all, since they started dating, he never lets her out of his sight. When she is working he is never more than a few feet away. He has been told he cannot stand at the circ desk all day, so he will sit where he can see her. He becomes visibly agitated if he can not get her attention or speak to her right away (because she is working). We used to occasionally get together on weekends or after work, but now she declines all invites. Last week, they got married at the courthouse, but she has told very few people.

    I’m worried for my friend, but I don’t want to hurt her or drive her away from me. Complicating matters, I had asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding before they met. I really don’t want this dude at my wedding (with alcohol!) but there is no way I would tell my friend that. I am kind of hoping they have broken up by then . . . plus my fiance is a corrections officer, so there will be conflict of interest type paperwork for him to fill out if the dude comes.

    1. Parenthetically*

      Wow.

      I think you have space to say all this to her — and frankly, I think you need to. They’re married. He’s at minimum a control freak, and plenty of his behaviors are red flags for abuse. I don’t think it’s reasonable to just wait around and hope that they’ll break up.

      Just describe it as you have here, with no moral judgments, as facts. He was homeless until he moved in with you. He is unemployed. He has served prison time for fraud and DUI. He won’t let you out of his sight. He becomes visibly agitated if he can’t access you immediately while you are actively working. We used to get together to do XYZ but now that isn’t happening. Etc. Don’t add value judgments to the descriptions. Then say something like, “I think you deserve a happier life than what R has to offer you. I think if the situation were reversed, you wouldn’t be happy to see me in a relationship with someone who won’t let me out of his sight. I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I will tell you, as your friend, I had to say something, and I’m here if you need to talk.”

      1. valentine*

        She’s his hostage and her employer is helping him stalk her.

        You have to retract the wedding invitation. There’s no her without him right now and the options would be (assuming fiancé would have trouble at work if your bouncers tried to turf this guy) calling the police on him (which I don’t see you doing because that would punish her, too) or letting him ruin your wedding. Even if he did not do anything requiring ejection, you’d have active abuse on display: him keeping her on a short leash and staring at her.

        You’re probably not allowed private discussions with her (even if you think they’re private), but what about her mom?

        1. Anon Here*

          Yeah, I would try talking to her mom, or to other people you work with. This is complicated and could get more complicated. I’m sure there’s a lot more to it that what can be expressed here in a short post. Rally some people in the offline world to support her and support one another. This is probably upsetting to witness in addition to the obvious toll that it must be taking on her and her mom.

    2. Warm Weighty Wrists*

      This sounds like at least two separate conversations: (1) clarifying that you’re sorry but you don’t have a spot at your wedding for her husband. If she pushes back: You realize they’re married but they hadn’t met when you budgeted/made the seating chart, so it’s not possible. Then keep repeating that it’s not possible. I personally wouldn’t bring up the conflict of interest thing because it makes it sound like there’s a solution, when really you just don’t want him there.
      (2) This one only if you can get her alone, which seems difficult: asking her how she’s feeling about her relationship, and tell her you’re concerned about her. Let her know you’re happy to talk/help/whatever you’re actually willing to do.

      Best wishes–this does not sound fun to watch.

    3. Anon time*

      You don’t have to invite him to your wedding, but I would, just because if you don’t, it may end your friendship, since it’s her husband. It sounds like this dude sucks, but she’s missed/ignored all of the warning signs.
      I would try to find a way to have coffee with her alone (maybe to discuss official wedding business, so it needs to be just us girls). I’d tell her you love her but you’re worried about her, and that you’ll always be there for her. I don’t think you’re going to be able to convince her she’s making bad decisions, since she’s clearly not using logic, so I’d focus on preserving the friendship, hanging out with her as much as you can (especially if you can find a way to do it without creepster), and just letting her know you’re there for her. If she leaves, she’ll need your support.

    4. WS*

      Don’t make an ultimatum like “him or me”. Say clearly that you don’t want him at your wedding because of the alcohol, and while you really want her as a bridesmaid, you understand if this means she can’t be. You’re entirely correct that this is not a healthy relationship, but you want her to be able to come to you when she realises this, not feel that it’s him and her together against the entire world.

    5. Traffic_Spiral*

      You need specialist advice for this. Gavin de Becker has some good bits, but otherwise, there’s people and websites that specialize in the whole “what to tell people with abusive/controlling S/Os.” Go find them – it’s too tricky a subject to leave to amateur advice.

    6. !*

      Wow, your friend has gotten herself into a huge mess, even if the marriage does not work out, I’m sure he will take her for every dime since he’s unemployed. Too many women with low self-esteem fall into the trap of people taking full advantage of them under the guise of love, simply because they are being given what they (think) they want/need. Your employer should absolutely make this guy leave the premises if he is not a customer and is interfering with your friend doing her job. I think she needs to see him more clearly by others not putting up with his bs. I wish your friend all the luck, she will need it.

      1. LilySparrow*

        The phrase “circ desk” leads me to believe they work at a public library.

        The employer might be able to ban the fiance if he were a random stranger stalking the friend, and she asked for that. But if she’s marrying him, she’s not going to make a formal complaint.

        And libraries can’t kick out members of the public without cause.

        If he’s distracting her from her work, her manager might tell her that he can’t come, but I’m not sure what she could do to stop him in a situation like this.

        It’s just terrible all around.

  81. Jenny*

    I love the Libby app but the “skip the line” feature (you get the book for seven days and can’t renew it) is a trap. Now I have to decide if I wait 19 weeks ti finish the book or pay $10 to buy it.

  82. savannnah*

    Heading to Vegas for 4 days this week while my husband has a conference there. I like a little bit of slots, spas, good food and shows but I’ve never been. Anything I should do/you recommend? We are staying at the Westgate, which is just off the strip but has a monorail stop.

    1. Amy*

      Go to a Cirque show if you haven’t been to one. Check out Fremont Street, especially in the evenings. I hate slots, but they had lots of fun casinos geared towards slot machines, plus shows, ziplines, concerts, and the like. If you like to shop, they have some good outlet malls. The buffet at Ceasar’s Palace generally lives up to its reputation if you want to splurge. I think you can still get wedding cake by the slice at Freed’s bakery if you like sweets.

      And if you’ve never been to Vegas, enjoy the touristy things. Watch the fountains and the Bellagio. Go to the joust at Excaliber. Watch the big spenders (and probably a wedding party or two) at a few casinos. Check out the gardens at the Venitian. See the sharks and aquarium at Mandalay. There is a lion sanctuary nearby in Henderson and excellent hiking nearby if you want to get away from the strip.

    2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Definitely if its your first time then do the big Tourist Things unashamedly. Even better that you are near the monorail stop as Strip traffic is a nightmare. There is no place on earth quite like Vegas and the lights and craziness.

      My mother swore the best bartenders in town were at the lounge in the Stratosphere (mid Strip), so you may want to check that out, at the very least for the views too. The Wynn has a lovely bar/restaurant area around their outside waterfall, and Paris also has a great lounge area by theirs. Drinks aren’t cheap, but its really the atmosphere you are paying for. Better gaming odds will be in the ‘downtown’ area nearish Fremont street rather than the big casino chains on the Strip, but if you aren’t bothered by the number of decks in your blackjack game or slots payout percentages then it doesn’t really matter :) The Westgate is the old Las Vegas Hilton, where Elvis had his legendary stand, so an historic property, by Vegas standards.

      If you are willing to go a little Off Strip (and its a grid system so you can easily take one street most of the way across the Valley) there are more hidden attractions like the Pinball Museum or the Neon Museum (you aren’t far from this last one). Check out Chinatown or Koreatown if you are looking for some different food. Or if you really want to get away from it, Red Rocks north of town is nice for a nature break.

    3. WellRed*

      Definitely check out Venetian, it’s my favorite of all the hotels. I really like Canaletto there for a meal. I also like Skyfall at the Delano for drinks and the view. I tried out the monorail but didn’t find it very convenient

  83. Warm Weighty Wrists*

    Y’all, this is kind of embarrassing because I am a Fully Grown Woman, but I’m going to have jury duty for the first time on Monday, and I’m not sure what to expect! I was given the phone number to call and see if I needed to turn up, and made sure to give important work people a heads up about the possibility, but didn’t really think it was going to happen. Whelp, it did! How much time should I be blocking off for this mentally? Do I need to dress in a particular way or bring anything specific with me (I’ll have a book, but beyond that…)? What should I expect more generally?
    Thank you for being Strangers on the Internet to whom I can ask these questions without (as much) embarrassment. :-)

    1. Parenthetically*

      Your county should have an informational website for jurors. Just google “YourCounty” + “jury duty instructions.” Instructions vary SO widely from county to county that I don’t think we can be much help beyond anecdotes!

      Bring a book, dress comfortably, be prepared not to be able to use your phone. Jury Duty is mostly boring!

    2. Wicked Witch of the West*

      I have been called for jury duty numerous times over the past 40ish years, but never chosen for a jury. Hubs, on the other hand was on a jury that went 3 months. That was very unusual. Figure two days to find out if you are on a jury or released. If it’s less, great.
      You will always be safe with “business casual” for dress. Have your ID. If in the US, expect typical federal building security. Walk through the metal detector. Have your bag inspected.
      Relax.

    3. Sometimes Always Never*

      Don’t be embarrassed! Where I live, if it’s a state court trial (as opposed to a federal court trial), I think it’s a one day/one trial thing; in other words, if you’re not selected for a jury on Monday, you’re done, and if you are selected, you serve on that jury until the conclusion of the trial. But YMMV depending on where you live. I have been on 2 juries; they were interesting and fortunately short. I’ve been called into the courtroom with the other potential jurors and then dismissed because the parties had literally just reached a settlement. (Day-of-trial settlements are not uncommon, but the court system has to plan to have enough jurors in case they are needed.) Another time, I was discharged around noon, as it was right before a holiday weekend and there wasn’t apparently a lot of need.

      Comfortable business casual dress is fine. I’ve seen people dress much more casually, but I think it’s good to be respectful. Also, bring money for vending machines. And hand sanitizer:). And you’ll have your book and a fully-charged phone. Scope out where you might want to go for lunch on lunch break. That’s off the top of my head. I might be a nerd, but I do think participating in the judicial system as a juror is really important.

    4. Penguin*

      “How long” may vary by jurisdiction (I’m in the US); the higher the court level, the more likely the case is to be complex, so the more likely the jury will be needed for a longer period of time. The rule of thumb I’ve heard is to assume that county court might go for a few days, federal might go for up to a couple weeks, and state is likely to be somewhere in between. (I’ve been summoned several times, but never sat on a jury, so take that with a grain of salt.)

    5. Damn it, Hardison!*

      It’s hard to say how long it will take, as it will depend on what’s on the docket. I would block off all day for the selection process to be on the safe side, as you might hear the case (or more than one case) the same day. People seem to dress any way they want for jury; I opted for business casual. Bring something to read (you may not have wi-fi), drink, and a snack.

      I don’t know if the selection process I went through is typical, but first we filled out a form that asked for our personal information, education and work. We were also verbally asked questions as a group (there were 90 or so potential jurors), like “do you know anything about the case” and “do you know any of the people involved in the case” (they read names from a list). Then we were called up by one to answer questions from the judge and the lawyers for both sides, which for most people only took a few minutes. If a person was selected, they were told to sit in the jury box, and if they were dismissed they were free to go. Here was the part that surprised me – once the jury box (including alternates) was full, the lawyers could again choose to dismiss anyone from the people that had been seated. In one round of this process, they dismissed everyone they had chosen and started all over. My number was something like 86 so I thought there was no way they would get through all of the numbers before me, but all but a couple of people were called up.

      I ended up on the jury for a first degree murder trial (5 days, usually 9-12 or 1). It was a sobering experience to be honest, but I felt honored to take part in the process.

      1. Jenny*

        A lot of that matches up with what my experience was as a clerk, with the exception that the selection process happened with the jurors out of the room (so the jurors were just told if they were picked or not, the strikes did not happen with them in view). We also had a private time where a juror could approach with private reasons they could not serve in a case (for instance, one case I observed involved domestic violence, a juror privately approached us about her past experience with domestic violence).

        A juror is struck first for “cause”. This means the judge determines they do not think the person can be an impartial juror. Then each side has a number of peremptory strikes (they can strike a juror for any reason, usually someone who they think is likely to be sympathetic to the other side for some reason). However, if a pattern emerges (striking all women, all people of a certain race), the judge can demand a non-discriminatory reason for a strike.

    6. Jenny*

      I used to work for a judge. The majority of called jurors do not end up on juries (we would pull about 3x the panel size for voir dire) and long trials are pretty rare. Chances are you will just sit around a lot.

    7. Natali*

      Definitely bring a book or a laptop. The only time I’ve had jury duty I spent most of the time sitting around the big jury room waiting. I was empaneled twice, and the first trial was postponed and the second pled out. That was apparently enough in my county so after that I was done!

    8. Goldfinch*

      My husband was called but not chosen, so he was there most of a day. They were told on the recording when he called in that they would not be permitted books, iPods, etc. and to leave those things at home. (This was before ubiquituous cell phones, though, so maybe that’s changed.)

      He basically sat and stared at the walls for hours, which is just shy of torture for someone with severe ADD. I’m surprised he didn’t get kicked out for fidgeting someone to death.

    9. Nicki Name*

      Bring your book, expect that you might just sit there all day reading it, and if you get picked, be warned that courtroom procedure is about a million times more boring than it looks on TV.

    10. Amy*

      There will be an information page for jurors in the website of whatever court summoned you. Best tips though – dress in layers (temperature in government buildings can be random) and be comfortable but presentable and bring something to do all day even if you don’t have power (a book, extra batteries for your phone or tablet, a well-charged e-reader, knitting, etc) because even if there are outlets, other people will be competing for them and you will be trapped and bored if you’re not selected or dismissed immediately.

    11. WTF Aging*

      The last time I was called, there were several people who brought knitting. Bring a sweater, the room temperatures can be a little unpredictable.

    12. Auntie Social*

      If you want out just say “I don’t think anyone can get a fair trial with this DA, he always overcharges”. “We can’t keep calling him the defendant, what’s your name, Bob is it?”—talk to D directly. “I’m sorry, he looks too much like one of my son’s friends.” Be a suicide bomber for the defense and you’ll be gone by noon.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Do not do this. When I was last in a voir dire 3 summers ago, some bonehead tried a bunch of stuff like this and was removed directly from the courtroom to a cell to cool off, and charged with contempt. Judges aren’t stupid. Jury duty is boring but it’s also a civic duty and lying in court to get out of it isn’t going to sit well in most places.

    13. willow19*

      Leave your pen knife, multi tool, other “weapons” at home. And your concealed carry gun. Or you might lose them (have them confiscated). (These all sound obvious, but if you carry them every day you don’t really think about having them with you.)

      1. ..Kat..*

        Yes. I was on jury duty recently. Going thru court security was a lot like airport security. My silverware was confiscated (I normally bring my own to work so that I don’t have to use disposables). I tried to use reusable glass jars to bring in my food – massive security violation. Soda cans may not be allowed because you can twist them in half and have a sharp weapon. An metal underwire bra might have to be removed to get through security (they made women cut out the metal or throw away the bra).

        Bring prepackaged, easy to eat snacks. Change for a vending machine. Bring a disposable water bottle, you may not be allowed to have liquid in it when you go through security. I say disposable, because some places make you throw away the bottle before going into the actual court room. A tote bag large enough to comfortably carry your stuff (your hands may be full of forms to fill out).

        Comfortable shoes, comfortable clothes. Old courthouses may not have enough seating as you go through the selection process. Where I was there for some initial jury processing, plenty of people had to sit on the floor!

        Many people assume that because you are in a court house with lots of law enforcement around that you are safe from petty crime. Nope. Criminals are in courthouses too. You can get your pocket picked by a thief. You can be groped by a perv. People who look for marks outside of a courthouse will look for marks in a courthouse. That nice looking gentleman who you are chatting with and who wants your name and phone number could be on trial for rape, assault, murder, etcetra.

        Be nice to courthouse security. They are often low paid security personnel (not police officers or other licensed/certified law enforcement officers). They have to put up with a lot of crap from people on a daily basis.

        You will be asked if jury duty would be a financial hardship for you. If your job does not pay you for your jury duty hours, you will probably just get a daily stipend of $5 to $10 dollars. If this would be a hardship for you only after X amount of days, just be honest about this when the judge asks.

        Good luck. Despite the restrictions and hassles, I was glad I did jury duty. And I learned a lot.

        1. Parenthetically*

          See, the reason I suggested OP visit her county’s website is that almost none of this was true for my jury duty experiences.

          We didn’t have to go through intense security, just a metal detector and a VERY cursory bag examination. Liquids, sodas, food, utensils, containers — not restricted. We weren’t asked if jury duty would be a financial hardship. In fact, last time I was called, I explicitly said that it would be a financial hardship (AND that I was having daily panic attacks AND that I didn’t have childcare for my toddler), and their response was the legalese version of “Tough shit.” US District court pays $40/day plus a bit more for mileage, lunch, and parking, county pays $12/day with no additional money, regardless of whether or not your job is paying you in your absence. We weren’t allowed to stand out in the main courthouse area or talk to people not in the jury pool. We were essentially escorted in and out of the building.

          I just think this stuff varies so widely from one county to the next, to say nothing of different parts of the country, urban vs. rural, or other countries, that advice about what to expect isn’t going to be particularly helpful except in the broadest terms.

    14. Bilateralrope*

      My experience with the New Zealand courts:
      – The initial summons told me the length of the trial was up to 13 weeks
      – On the sunday night I checked the court website to find I wasn’t needed till thursday due to a delay. Also, the trial was now only two weeks.
      – On the thursday I turned up, went through their introductory process and then got told that the accused had taken a deal minutes before jury selection. So no need for a trial.

      My advice:
      – Check the court website for any rules about what you must or must not bring. Including any dress code they might have.
      – Wear whatever clothing you find most comfortable that fits within the rules. I went with sweatpants and a hoodie and got no comments.
      – Make sure you know both the law and your employers policy around paying people on jury duty. Some places have laws saying that the employer makes up the difference between what jury duty pays and what you’d normally earn. Others don’t.
      – Assume that the lawyers on both sides are aware of any tricks you’ve heard about on how to avoid being selected.

    15. Glomarization, Esq.*

      The bag or purse you plan to take that day? Look through it thoroughly before you leave the house to make sure you’re not unintentionally bringing contraband with you. I mean check all the little zippy pockets and stuff in the interior as well, and turn it upside down and shake it out. Your jury summons paper or the court website should have a list of what’s contraband, but think along the general lines of what you can’t bring onto an airplane. Don’t be that person who forgot the pepper spray, utility knife, paraphernalia, or whatever that settled to the bottom of their backpack.

      Same with the pockets in whatever coat or jacket you plan to wear.

    16. Warm Weighty Wrists*

      Thanks so much for all the info, everyone! To be clear, I’m not looking to get out of jury duty–I take civic duty pretty seriously, and I have an employer who will pay me my normal rate while I have jury duty. I just do best in new situations when I’ve gathered as much information as possible beforehand rather than just seeing how it goes. Thanks again for helping with that!

  84. Free Meerkats*

    Followup to the broken foot woman in a canoe story from yesterday https://www.askamanager.org/2019/11/open-thread-november-15-16-2019.html#comment-2737411

    The rest of the story:
    My two guys were just finishing up at one of our sample sites about 8:30 when a woman walking her dog came alone and asked if they could hear someone calling for help. At this site, the sewage in the 24″ line is moving along at high speed, so when the manhole is open, that’s all you can hear. They closed it up and then could hear the woman calling.
    The story from her to the police was she lived a few blocks down the road; there was a fight about 4AM between people there and she got pushed down the stairs, so she ran away on her broken foot. Somehow, she ended up hiding under a canoe wrapped in a blanket that was under there. The paramedics checked her out, decided she needed a trip to the hospital and put her in an ambulance. The police took statements from the woman who was walking her dog and my guys, and sent them on their way.
    The moral of this story, drugs are bad, m’kay?

  85. Can I get a Wahoo?*

    Cat hair: how do you combat it? I’m mostly concerned with clothing it won’t come out of, even after a wash and dry.

    2. Goldfinch*

      Certain fabrics are just not pet hair friendly, like fleece and Vellux. Anything fuzzy, really. The fur really drills in and embeds itself.

      A rubber glove swiped over the fabric can help to some extent (like what a nurse wears to draw blood), but some fabrics just aren’t viable unless you literally pluck out the fur with tweezers.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I agree. I have multiple cats and tons of cat hair, and cat hair will not cling to some items, but will be absolutely glued to other pieces of clothing just by them being brought into the house–I’ve learned to avoid those fabrics. I just keep lots of those sticky lint rollers on hand and I NEVER buy solid black, navy, or really any very dark color clothing item. I just can’t be thinking about visible cat hair all the time.

    3. Reliquary*

      We have three go-to fur removers.
      1) The Fur Wizard (or any similar) brush.
      2) Search for the term “portable lint remover.” It’s not electric; it has a wooden handle and is shaped sort of like an old-style vegetable peeler. It works best on wool or knitted fabrics.
      3) Duct tape.

      Good luck. Our kitty sheds like crazy, so it’s a constant battle that we have resigned ourselves to losing sometimes.

    4. Amy*

      By a rubber lint brush. Work out embedded hair from fabrics. Realize it’s tons of work and save rubber brush only for emergencies. Then start to wear clothes that match your cats. :)

      Seriously though, the rubber lint brush is a lifesaver if I really need something hair free. Scrub with the dry brush, then wash, then hide from the pets.

    5. Aphrodite*

      Use a dry rubber dishwashing glove. I haven’t tried it on clothes but it works superbly on upholstered furniture.

    6. Anoning as well*

      Figure out which clothes you do not want cat hair on. For me, it was work clothes. Every time I came home from work, the first thing I did was change. Work clothes went into a separate laundry hamper, and got washed separately. Despite my cat’s cries that I was neglecting her terribly for the five minutes it took to change, she survived, and my work clothes were by in large cat hair free.

      1. mreasy*

        This is the key for me too. I am a true New Yorker in my clothing palette (mostly black), and I have two white cats. The work clothes go into the hamper as soon as I get home, if I’m not going out later, so that my extremely affectionate/needy cats can not shed all over them.

    7. MMB*

      I know I will sound like a crazy person, but at one time we had two dogs and two cats and I used to lay the clothes out on the bed and vacuum them with a little handheld Dirt Devil. It was actually kind of awesome.

  86. Notinstafamous*

    My sister is 8 weeks pregnant with *intense* morning sickness. What can I do to help? What can I get her?

    1. Natali*

      It’s not a terribly satisfying answer but she should be talking to her doctor! They’re are perfectly safe drugs she can take that will help and she really doesn’t need to suffer.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Is she losing weight? If so, really encourage her to talk to her doc. And, of course, if for any other reason it’s more than just an inconvenience.

      The best thing for me, a million years ago, was to never let my stomach get completely empty. Tiny bites of saltines and tiny sips of something mildly sugary, all day long. First thing in the morning I would have some hot or cold lemonade. Maybe it raised my blood sugar? I have no idea, but after about 20 minutes then I could eat a little bit.

    3. Notinstafamous*

      (She’s seeing a doctor and figuring it out from a medical side. I just can’t help there and my normal approach is to cook for people and that’s not working here. Her husband goes with her to doctors offices… so trying to come up with ideas for something nice to do for them.)

      1. Jenny*

        If this is hyperemesis, my friend had this and it was just awful. And sadly there isn’t too much you can do to help her. Friend had a home IV system and a pump of meds and was still hospitalized a few times. Follow her lead on food, with my friend there was very little she could eat. Unfortunately she basically threw up regularly until the baby was born.

        The normal stuff people recommend for morning sickness often does not work here, so try to avoid suggestions. If you feed her, avoid stuff that is particularly unpleasant to throw up (rice and corn, for instance). She may end up just drinking those super high calorie medical shakes for a while.

        Also be prepared for her to be depressed. Hyperemesis is highly linked to depression both before and after the baby is born.

    5. Overeducated*

      Does she live near you? If so, could you offer to help with stuff like dishes, cleaning and laundry that might be hard for her to do if she’s sick all the time? Especially jobs involving smells that could trigger the nausea.

    6. Parenthetically*

      Cleaning service was my first thought. Childcare help if they have other kids. Anything you can do to help ease the burden of daily tasks while she fights it.

      Oh, and buy her a stack of disposable emesis BAGS. You can get them on Amazon and they’re 1000x better than a bowl or a trash can.

  87. Merci Dee*

    Does anyone else here use Duolingo?

    My daughter decided to download the app a few weeks ago to study Japanese, just for a lark. I didn’t pay much attention at first, but then it really caught my interest last weekend. I downloaded, and dived into Spanish. I studied Spanish for a couple of years in high school, but that was 25 years ago (holy. crap.). It’s been fun! The lessons are short, so you can fit one in at most any time of the day. The app is free to use, but you will have a short ad presented at the end of each lesson. It’s on your screen for about a second before you can close it out, so not a great inconvenience. You also have the option to pay to upgrade. And they offer so many languages! You can learn just one, or all of them if you want to!

    Let me know what you’re studying, and how your lessons are going! :)

    1. OyHiOh*

      My Duo list is German, French, Esperanto, Turkish, Korean, Japanese, and Hindi

      I don’t expect to become fluent using the app but for becoming familiar with the structure and vocabulary, it’s brilliant.

      1. Merci Dee*

        I started with Korean, since I work for a company that’s headquartered there. I’d taken a language and culture class from someone who’d come to our offices every week for almost 2 years, so I’ve had some good exposure to the Hangul alphabet and some basic conversational phrases and sentence structure. I gave up after about 15 minutes on Duolingo. They start with matching the Hangul with the vowel sounds, and I was having massive problems because the options they gave looked nothing like the sounds I was hearing. Like, I heard something that sounded like a long I, and the correct answer was oe. Ummmmmm….. maybe my southern vowels are just not meshing well with their native Korean speakers in the listening clips.

        1. WS*

          The vowels in Roman transcription of Korean don’t really match English vowels for anyone, I think! There’s lots of charts that explain how they are pronounced.

          1. Merci Dee*

            And I have a few of those charts… in my desk… at work. And I was lounging on my couch on a Sunday afternoon. Hmmm. Time to switch to Spanish! :)

            I’ll probably grab my folder of notes from the language/culture classes on day and bring them home to re-start the Korean lessons, but it probably won’t be until the Christmas holidays when I have some time off to devote to the lessons. What I’m looking forward to is actually hearing the inflections and stresses in the pronunciations of the words. I could take a few minutes to check out my charts and notes to pick up the characters pretty quickly again, but we never really delved into whether there were any regular rules about stressed and unstressed syllables, etc.

          2. lasslisa*

            Korean phonemes don’t really line up with English ones, so it’s a real trip to get it straight in your own head what your mouth does to make each sound. I really liked the Korean language textbook I had for making that clear – it’s the sort of thing I think Duolingo is pretty bad at. But if you get it somewhere else you can bring that knowledge to Duolingo and it makes the other lessons more useful.

    2. Jenny*

      I do Spanish on it to try to keep refreshed. The problem is the placement test doesn’t let you skip too far so I end up having to slog through basic lessons “La Mujer. El Hombre”.

      But it is free, so you can’t complain too much.

      1. Merci Dee*

        I just skipped the placement test because I wasn’t confident in what I’d managed to retain over the years, but it turns out I’ve remembered a lot more than I thought. But it’s okay. I’ve had fun with the lessons, especially the speaking portions. I’ve been using silly voices and changing my tones. And then snickering like a 10 year old kid.

        I think I’m going to run into some problems when I get to words with double R’s in them. I can’t roll my R’s to save my life. But when I try to say something with a rolled R, my daughter will just smile so smug at me and then let out a rolled R like a freaking motor boat. I could really just pinch her head clean off her neck and spit down the stump.

      2. Merci Dee*

        I just skipped the placement test because I wasn’t confident in what I’d managed to retain over the years, but it turns out I’ve remembered a lot more than I thought. But it’s okay. I’ve had fun with the lessons, especially the speaking portions. I’ve been using silly voices and changing my tones. And then snickering like a 10 year old kid.

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      I live in Spain and so have to study Spanish in order to communicate (though I do love languages), and I used Duolingo when I got here. They actually have some podcasts as well that you might enjoy if you feel ready to start listening to the language as well. They’re a mixture of English and Spanish as in they start off in English and then an explanation will occur in Spanish. They’re great for beginner listeners or those who haven’t listened to Spanish in a long time as a way to ease into the language. I found mine on Spotify but they’re definitely available on the iTunes store as well.

      Right now though, I’m not studying as intensely as normal because it’s cold and I’ve got other things to do so I’m currently watching La casa de las flores on Netflix. It’s a very funny Mexican black-comedy about the de la Mora family. It verges into telenovela territory on occasion with the drama but I like that kind of thing anyway.

      1. Merci Dee*

        When I was in high school, one of my Spanish teachers suggested that we watch the Spanish channel on cable TV if we were able to get more exposure to the spoken language. Telenovelas were always a favorite to follow because of all the drama. Couldn’t always understand what they were saying, but some of the overacting was just wondrous to behold. :)

    5. Spoons please*

      I’ve used Duolingo for Spanish and French. I’m amused at the sentences it provides at times, like “My penguin likes red dresses.” It seems a bit obsessed with animals, lol.

      1. EvilQueenRegina*

        Yes! Those sentences make me smile as well – if I ever need to order a glass of wine for a cat or sell my relatives for a euro then at least I will know how to!

  88. OyHiOh*

    Our community is holding together. The Hebrew School is trying to find a balancing line between teaching the children about the things that have happened in our community and protecting them from the horrors that can happen. Making some security changes and also sending thanks and gratitude back out into the greater community.

    I am going to be in a book. Neptune’s book of photo portraits is weeks away from release. Photos from three sessions I modeled for, and also a poem that I wrote. There’s going to be a signing and one night show in December. Excited!

    Also, just have to brag about shopping skills for a moment. I’ve lost enough weight this year that none of my pants fit and generally need to turn over my wardrobe. Got 5 pair of pants (casual and business casual), two sweaters, and 2 dresses for $44 and change. Thrift store most tags 50% off. One of the dresses is a tea length little black dress that’s perfect for Neptune’s book event so that makes shopping afternoon even better. Now to go gather up all of my old pants and a couple dresses that no longer fit into my wardrobe for donation. I have a 1 in/1 out policy for my closet.

    1. NoLongerYoung*

      how cool – I love the thrill of the hunt at the thrift and bargain stores – that’s a score. And the 1 in, 1 out policy is very useful.
      Glad to hear it’s going well overall …. such a good report, warms my heart!

  89. NearlyWed*

    I need hosting gift suggestions for the future in-laws!

    My future in-laws have invited my fiance and I to Thanksgiving this year. I would like to give them something to thank them for hosting me, but I’m not sure what to give.

    Also, 2 days after Turkey Day, his aunt and uncle will be throwing us a shower at their home. Again, I’d like to give them a thank you gift for hosting this party for us.

    Complicating matters – we will be flying across the country (we live in the south, they’re in the midwest) so we can’t bring a dish for dinner or anything too large.

    Ideas?

    Also, if it helps, I’ve met his parents twice, the uncle once, and have not met the aunt but spoke to her on the phone once.

    1. Sara(h)*

      What about something that is easy to buy locally once you’re there, like a plant? Otherwise, I love bringing local specialties from where I live. Is there any local specialty food item that is easy to transport (keeping in mind that the carry-on rules for liquids)? Or a box of notecards or a small gift by a local artist?

      1. Sara(h)*

        Another idea is something useful that most people could use or use more of — nice coasters, pretty kitchen towels, silicon bowl lids, etc.

    2. Amy*

      You can always thank them in person and send a gift afterwards. Nothing wrong with a nice box of chocolates arriving when they’re alone and ready to relax post-party.

      The best hostess gifts I’ve received have been little things I can immediately use, but that I wouldn’t have bought myself: a pretty wine stopper, markers to write on glasses, a set of cheese forks, hand knit potholders, cute dishtowels, a windowsill sized glass watering can, a little mint plant for cocktails, lavendar sachets, etc.

      1. NewReadingGlasses*

        My favorite to receive were a kitchen towel and a wine stopper. These are both good if someone cooks or drinks wine, though. I have given mostly things like chocolates, except to the person who can’t have them -they got a tin of tea.

    3. Auntie Social*

      Do you make a killer bundt cake or muffins or something? Could you bring your recipe and get up early one morning and surprise everyone with warm banana bread?

    4. Not A Manager*

      If your location has some local food specialty, that’s always a nice hostess gift.

      A coffee-table type book that reflects some interest of theirs.

      A coffee-table type book that reflects your location, combined with a wish that you will see them in your home soon.

      A nice bottle of wine, a box of fancy chocolates, some kind of fancy bakery goods.

    5. ..Kat..*

      Flowers (with a vase so that they don’t have to find one)! Or send flowers with a nice note afterwards. Always a thank you note afterwards.

      But, do make sure that they are not allergic to flowers. And that they like flowers. Some people who are allergic can handle a nice potted plant.

    6. Parenthetically*

      A tea towel from a local-to-you shop, some chocolates or similar from your favorite place, a lovely bouquet you pick up when you get there, a basket of nice pastries and great coffee on the morning of the shower? Also love the idea of notecards by a local artist, coasters, or coffee table books.

    7. Soupspoon McGee*

      I like giving food gifts from the area you live or grew up: for my region, that might be dried cherries, hazelnuts, or small-batch goat cheese.

  90. AnonYmous Miss*

    I’m having some issues with my family over my weight and changes I’ve made to my lifestyle. Just a heads up that my post talks has weight loss and therapy in it.

    In the fall of 2015 I had a wakeup call. I couldn’t find one item of clothing I owed that fit. I ripped two pairs of pants because of how much weight I had gain and nothing else fit. I had to order clothes online because even the biggest sizes in the plus sized stores were too small. I knew I had gain weight but I was in denial. I was 335 pounds There was a fire drill at my workplace and I got so winded walking down a single flight of stairs to the parking lot that I almost passed out. I went to my doctor because of how much that scared me. He told me I was pre-diabetic and said my cholesterol was through the roof. My weight was 100 pounds more than I estimated it at. I was always overweight my whole life and the last time I was weighed at the doctor and I was already medically classified as obese then. He told me I needed a CPAP machine for when I slept. I didn’t think I weighed as much as I did.

    Between January of 2016 and November of 2017 and I lost 185 pounds. I started going to the gym Monday, Wednesday and Friday before or after work and once on the weekends. I bought a treadmill for at home. I cut fast food, junk food and sugary foods, soda and most alcohol out of my diet and besides one or two cheat days a month where I didn’t worry about what I ate but I stuck to it the rest of the time. I also made sure I went to bed 8 hours before I woke up at least and I took my TV out of my room and went to bed with my phone and laptop turned off. In November of 2018 I had 15 pounds of excess skin removed and a body lift and laser scar removal. It wasn’t covered by insurance so I had to save every penny myself, which I did by also quitting smoking.

    I am no longer overweight. My knees don’t hurt any more. My cholesterol is fine. I feel so good that I ran a marathon this summer and I am training for a triathlon. I come from a family where food is how people show loved and it plays a central role in everything. Every relative I have on both sides is either really overweight or obese. I was overweight as a kid because of learned behavior from my parents and the adults in my life. Now I honestly don’t care about anyone’s weight, family or not. I only lost weight for myself because of my wakeup call. I don’t think everyone needs to lose weight and I have never said anything like to anyone ever. I am very careful about being kind to everyone I know and meet because I know how it hurts to be bullied over ones weight. My family though thinks that I lost weight to prove I am better than them. Once I lost weight the bullying from strangers stopped and started from them. I love my family and I have never acted like I am better than them. But they have treated me different since I started losing weight. None of them came out to watch my marathon which is fine but they didn’t come to my celebration either or comment positively on it. I still eat lots when I am with them and partake in the food. I use it as a cheat day and I never comment on food or weight to them at all. I don’t think I am superior to them.

    It’s making me not want to be around them. I love my family and it hurts being treated this way. I only lost weight to save my own health and I’ve told them that. I thought they would be happy I was making such a positive change and saving my life. How do I get them to see that when they won’t no matter what I do? If anyone has help for me I would be grateful.

    1. Observer*

      That’s so hard. You did what you did for yourself, and it was a GOOD thing you did. You feel better and that’s a good thing.

      I don’t think anything you can say will make them change your mind. Don’t talk about how much better you are feeling – it’s not a reflection on them but they are going to see it that way. It’s stupid, but that’s what it is. When they start making snarky comments, just tell them that hurts and ask them to stop. Try to set yourself up so you can leave if it gets bad. This way if they start in on you, you can ask them to stop. If they don’t stopyou can TELL them “I’m not going to stick around to be bullied.” And if they still don’t stop, LEAVE. Be very clear that the reason you are leaving is because they are saying these things to you.

      Hopefully with time they will stop doing this.

      1. valentine*

        Your family view this as a rejection of them and, if their narrative has been that this is just the fam’s standard size, they feel raw because you’ve proved that a lie. Some families work like cults and the more you do your own thing, the more they try to corral you. You may have to turn to found family, but it’s worth asking them to go to family therapy with you. I’m not sure if that’s best done one person at a time, since you don’t want them ganging up on you and using the therapist to triangulate.

        You have overhauled your entire life. That is amazing and I hope they come to both see that and to acknowledge it.

    2. Lena Clare*

      Congratulations, what an amazing achievement!

      Can you tell your family what you’ve said here? Something like:
      “When you say things like x,y,z it really hurts. I feel bullied by you. I lost weight for me and I’m healthier and in less pain now! I’m proud of my achievements.”

      Stick to I statements, especially I feel statements, e.g. I feel this when you do or say that.

      Families are hard. Wishing you the best.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Oh and I forgot to say, similar to above, don’t stick around if they continue. Leave. They’ll probably ramp up the behaviour to test the boundaries (extinction burst!) but stick with it and eventually they’ll learn you mean what you say – you’re not going to hang around to be spoken to in a way that makes you feel bad just because they’re jealous.

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yup, and follow up that explanation with some broken record “I’m not going to discuss weight with you” responses to everything they say.

    3. WS*

      I get the opposite from my family – I’m the only fat woman (my younger brother is also fat but apparently that’s fine?) and they’re all thin. The only way I trained them out of being mean, especially my mother, was to loudly change the topic if they behaved nastily, and if they didn’t accept the topic change, I would leave (or hang up if I was on the phone). It took about two years, but it did eventually work.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I’m so sorry that you are being treated this way. I don’t think there is a way to “get them to see” something they don’t want to see. You said it yourself: “they won’t no matter what I do.”

      If you are able to give up the fantasy that they will ever understand why you lost the weight, or that they will be happy that you are now healthier, I think you can maybe focus on setting some boundaries. You say they are mean to you. Whatever it is that they are doing – pushing food, or rude comments, or “jokes” that aren’t jokes – treat those rudenesses just the way you would if it weren’t about weight. “Please don’t talk to me that way,” “thank you, I said no,” “that’s not funny,” etc.

      “I’m leaving now.”

      But sadly, you might need to spend a lot less time with them. I’m sorry.

      One thought – does your family mostly behave this way in a crowd? It might be worth hanging out one-on-one with some of them. Or not, depending.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      First congrats on your weight loss and life makeover. I totally get what you are saying here about the vast amount of changes because I have had my own version of that.

      I will say that changing diet is similar to quitting alcohol. I lost sight of some friends when I quit going to bars every weekend. When I got older, and lost my excess weight, people drifted out of my life, again. Some of that would have happened anyway in both instances, but at first glance it seemed to be about the alcohol/weight loss.

      You sound like you have a good handle on things, not preaching, not expecting others to follow suit and so on.
      To protect your own heart/emotions, assume they will never change. Keep broadening your circle of friends so you have more people who know and love you as you are now.
      If you can work into conversation, “I don’t talk about people’s bodies because I don’t want people talking about my body.” Perhaps as the pile-on starts to build you can say, “Okay it’s time for me to leave.”

      I like the above advice about seeing them on a one-on-one basis. Perhaps start with the person who is most apt to be your ally and slowly expand out from there.

      While it’s been decades since I lost my weight and I do have some fluctuations in sizes, my life has changed entirely. People I know now say they cannot picture me ever being overweight, when I tell them how things used to be. I will always work at keeping my weight down, because I know how to pack on pounds. But when I catch myself getting too out of hand, I know what to do to get it under control and my response time is much faster. It’s still work.

      So it’s been two years for you. I’d estimate it might be ten years or longer before they give up the running commentary- just based on my own experiences. I have told the story before, I dropped the weight and the next comment was “what happened to your hair?” It turned white and I decided to stop coloring it. That helped me to see that some family just has to have something that the comment on. I think the level of familiarity brings the sense that any comment is acceptable. “I changed your diapers so I can comment on whatever I want.” Uh, no. That’s not how that works.

      We don’t get to chose who acts supportive of our endeavors. Adding another layer, family fails us and fails us often. The only counter-balance I know of is to seek out and add people to your life who ARE supportive. And also know that just like your family is not going to change, neither are you. So to them your “stubbornness” is the same as theirs. The best we get sometimes is knowing inside ourselves that we have gotten actual/real help for our own needs.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        I echo the “must have something to comment on.” I lost ~175 too, and similar journey. In my case, mom is body dysmorphic and thinks shes still fat at 116. She doesn’t push on my weight but DOES comment (criticize) my hair, clothes, or posture. So…yes to all of the above, but also know that there my be an underlying family dynamic that one is never “okay” with just being you. That’s okay. You cant give people insight if they don’t want it, but you can choose who you let speak into your thoughts. You have this internet strangers permission/recommendation to ignore them and just play your own positive thought sound tracks into your brain. Limit your time as needed to stay healthy. (Hug)

    6. The Francher Kid*

      This internet stranger is applauding the awesome, hard, life-changing thing you’ve done. Congratulations!

      I’m so sorry that your family cannot find it within themselves to be happy for you. I can see how terribly hurt you are and I’m sending hugs if you want them. Please don’t sabotage all that you’ve worked so hard to accomplish in hopes that they will accept you again. You deserve to be healthy and to be well. It may be better for you and your new life to move on, or limit contact for a while.

      Lots of therapy because of my own emotionally broken family has taught me a few things I hope will help you. 1. Most things people do is about them and not you. 2. You can’t change people, even if they’re wrong and need to change–they have to change themselves. 3. Some people won’t apologize because they can’t. 4. There may never be a good explanation. 5. You may not get closure, but you can create your own if you need to in order to move on.

      I wish you the very best. An internet stranger believes in you.

    7. Thursday Next*

      As with many family differences, I think your choices boil down to: avoid your family, or see them and assume they won’t change.

      If you do see them, you can set boundaries around their treatment of you. Hopefully you’ll be in a position to leave if their treatment of you is unreasonable. And let them know after the first offense that you’ll leave if they offend again.

      My concrete advice would be to stick to statements about your feelings, and avoid using the word “healthy,” which can be a trigger for some people to feel judged. So say, “It hurts my feelings when you say things like that. I’m in so much less pain now than I was before, and I hope you would be happy to know that I’m not hurting like I used to.”

      Keep it about you, your feelings, and your experiences. I suspect that talking about pain will be more difficult for them to brush off than things like prediabetes or high cholesterol.

      You’ve done so much hard work, and I am in awe of you. It’s unfortunate that some people will project their own feelings and fears into you. But their actions don’t diminish your efforts at all.

    8. LilySparrow*

      I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

      People’s weight isn’t always related to emotional dysfunction, but one of the ways family/group dysfunction can show up is through lifestyle behaviors. Maybe overeating/lack of exercise. Maybe alcohol dependence. Maybe some other types of group identity behavior.

      When people start defining their belonging in the group by that behavior, they can’t accept people who change. By changing, they see you as an outsider. And particularly when they feel outcast or bullied by the “outside world,” then outsider=threat.

      It’s really hard to address these dynamics, because they are operating on an emotional, unspoken level. Maybe you could try to discuss it with one or two people you’re very close with, but I’d encourage you to have some strong support, like a therapist or support group, before you do.

      It’s very painful to not be accepted by your family, particularly when the change you made is definitely good for your health and happiness. I don’t have any specific advice, but just support. I understand a little of what you are going through, and I know it sucks.

      I also believe very much in your ability to overcome hard things. You have proved it amply. You can find the belonging and acceptance you need, even if it means grieving these relationships and looking elsewhere.

      And you know? Sometimes you can have an okay relationship with family, even if it isn’t ideal. You can set boundaries that require respect and civility. Some families or family members can be “trained” that being nice is the price of admission to be in your life. Nice isn’t as satisfying as unconditional love, but it can work.

    9. LGC*

      Congrats on all your accomplishments!

      You don’t mention if your family struggles with their weight – just that they’re overweight. I can’t help but think that they’re somewhat jealous of your success in losing weight. So I think you answered your own question – “they won’t no matter what [you] do.” This doesn’t mean you have to cut them off (or that you should), but…like, they can’t discuss your weight. And maybe you can’t discuss doing marathons or triathlons with them because they can’t handle it.

      I’m also not sure that it’s just about your weight. I can definitely see if you’re better educated, politically different, or otherwise different from your family, they might have jumped to that conclusion. It might be worth finding some other common ground. (I mean, it’s still their problem and nothing you did – you sound like you’re living your best life – but it might help build a bridge. No guarantees, though!)

  91. Angie*

    I am really happy. I just won two very good tickets to The Nutcracker ballet in my local metropolitan area from a TV show. I’m taking my first grader to go see his first ballet, actually his first live performance. I’m just hoping he doesn’t yell something very strange and inappropriate. I’m also hoping I don’t yell anything very strange and inappropriate

    1. ..Kat..*

      THe Nutcracker is the one ballet that will have a lot of children at it. So people are more tolerant of children’s behaviors. It is also the one ballet that will have lots of “non-ballet-going” people at it. Just enjoy. You should be fine.

      Oh, and consider tucking a couple of easy, no-mess snacks for your son at the bottom of your purse. Children are always better behaved when their tummy isn’t hungry (adults too!).

      1. ..Kat..*

        Oh, your child might also like to read an age appropriate book about the story of the nutcracker – that way he can follow along.

      2. Angie*

        It’s a 12:30 p.m. showing so I’m pretty sure it’s going to have an awful lot of children there. He’s able to focus on things that he’s really interested in the ADHD has two sides to it and one is hyper-focus. He’s read a nutcracker book and he seen Nutcracker shows. I think we’re going to have a really good time

  92. ten alpacas*

    Firstly, congrats on the marathon! that’s absolutely fabulous! More importantly, a bigger congrats on being healthy!

    I’m not going to be able to phrase my thoughts about your family well, so please forgive. I think some of it is projection on their part, and there’s probably jealousy. If you can at all afford it, I’d actually look at therapy, I think untangling the bonds of family of origin stuff is really difficult, and if they are bullying you now I’m not sure there’s magic words to say that will make it stop. Maybe you could try having one-on-ones with one or two closer family members (parent? sibling) – doing non-food things together. Changing the whole family dynamic might be quite hard. But maybe you can find a community in running?

  93. Beginner in yoga*

    For people who do yoga by online instructions, like apps or YouTube videos, how do you make sure you’re doing the posture correctly? Like engaging the right muscle as instructed, where to place your weight, etc?

    I tried a yoga exercise for beginner, and in a few of the poses, what I felt in my body was different from what the instructor said. For example, the instructor said that this pose should engage the abdomen part, but I felt the effect on my shoulders and arms instead.

    1. ..Kat..*

      Sometimes a couple of in-person, beginner yoga classes can help you get started. Or a floor length mirror.

        1. Lena Clare*

          Ah right ok! Then maybe a couple of in person classes to begin with, as others have suggested, might help?

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        But how do you know what feels “right?” What’s “feel the burn” vs. “strain something small yet critical?” TBH, I think some yoga instructors have been athletic for so long (including dance, martial arts, weights, etc. – often from childhood) that they don’t remember or never had a time when they didn’t have a very comprehensive understanding of their bodies and their muscles, as well as the muscle memory and core strength to keep their weight centered and not sprain things through over-extension.

        A lot of what is intuitive for them is not for people with less experience.

        1. Lena Clare*

          I don’t have much experience with it. I just go with a nice comfortable stretch that feels nice; if it doesn’t feel nice then I stop. I cannot – and I mean cannot find any nice position for kneeling so that is a no-no, but everything else is adaptable. I kind of figure that as my muscles get more used to stretching in that position, eventually they’ll be able to do what she does and they will align.

    3. Purt’s Peas*

      Do a class so you can ask about it. It’s really hard to develop the proprioception—the sense of where your body is, what muscles you’re using—and that’s what a lot of the beginning is going to be about. It’s very helpful to be able to ask your teacher “I felt this in my arms, what should I do differently?” Also you do want to make sure you’re not doing anything dangerous like habitually extending your knees in a crazy way.

    4. mreasy*

      I took in-person classes for about a year before I started doing the videos online. By that point I felt comfortable after a long period of having received adjustments by instructors. If you can do it, I highly recommend starting with live classes. Otherwise, as you’ve seen, it can be easy to get confused or even to hurt yourself.

    5. Beginner in yoga*

      Thanks everyone! I should have mentioned this: I did take in-person classes around a year ago, so I thought I would be familiar with the poses. Honestly I didn’t feel like I learnt a lot from the in-person class. For some reason the instructor mostly ignored me, but gave a lot of praises and feedback to my friend.

      I’ve also since moved back to my hometown, and the classes around here are out of my budget. It was why I turned to YouTube actually. I’ll try to look around some more.

    6. lasslisa*

      If one part of your body is unusually tight, you’ll feel stretches there more often. For example, I have very tight calves and I feel a lot of stretches there that other people talk about feeling in their thighs. In some ways this is fine because it means you’re getting extra stretching on the parts of your body that need the most. But as far as adjustments that will let you also stretch out the other parts of your body, that’s where a decent in-person class could help.

      As for how to tell if something is a “good stretch” or not, a lot is practice. Some pains will “walk off” (loosen up if you keep going) and others wil just get worse.

    7. blaise zamboni*

      If something feels awkward in a pose or isn’t hitting the muscle group it’s intended to, try to check in with the rest of your body positioning. It’s really easy to shift into poor posture, especially if you’re trying a move that you aren’t familiar with. So make sure your spine is neutral, your shoulders are pulled down and back, your core is bracing towards the back of your spine, and your hips are in line. I sometimes pause the video, check my position, and try the move once or twice alone to make sure I know what it’s meant to feel like before I resume with the instructor.

      It can also be helpful to rewind and just watch what the instructor does without attempting it yourself, so you can see their movements more clearly.

      That being said, bodies are different and sometimes that just happens! I know for cat/cow in particular, I don’t feel it much in my abs because it’s a really gentle stretch…but it’s so gentle and relaxing that it highlights some of my other aches and pains, especially in my back and shoulders.

  94. rebecca*

    I have lost 20 pounds and 2 pants sizes since June and I am just so THRILLED. (Learned the pants size news today when trying on old clothes.)

    1. StudentaA*

      Congratulations! Love that feeling. The best part is you don’t even have to spend money on new clothes.

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      Woo hoo!!! Congratulations! That’s especially wonderful as you’ve had stress, but are clearly not eating to soothe….big hug and “you go girl!”

  95. PookieLou*

    I don’t like throwing parties. I am painfully shy, and I feel guilty asking people to do things on my behalf (especially if gifts are traditionally involved). I didn’t have a bridal shower because I was worried that I didn’t have enough good friends to invite. (I know now that I had plenty of friends who would have loved to come. I feel like I missed out on a rite of passage and a chance to spend time with people I care about.)

    I had similar anxiety about a baby shower, until a couple of friends volunteered to throw one for me. I felt relieved that I wouldn’t feel like I missed out again. They did an amazing job putting everything together.

    And then 2 people came. One of them could only stay 10 minutes. None of the people who told me over and over how excited they were to come, came. Several people texted me two days, one day, even two hours in advance that they had something else going on instead (activities that came up after they had RSVP’ed yes to me). Most no-shows never reached out to say they weren’t coming after all. I felt ridiculous sitting in an empty room, playing party games meant for a large group. It was my nightmare come true. My friend put together a beautiful guest book, which is now also a reminder that almost nobody showed up.

    First world problem? Probably. But it still really hurts. You get one baby shower, and mine ended with me going home in tears.

    2. Traffic_Spiral*

      Don’t dismiss your hurt as “first world problems.” Pretty sure people get stood up in the non-first world as well. There’s probably some tribesman in a mud hut somewhere going “I killed a whole wildebeest for this party, Mungu-Dammit!” Flaking sucks, and it’s even worse now that cell phones let people cancel at the last minute.

      1. Kristen*

        Yes, I bet you’re right about the cell phone thing. And it’s made even easier when you don’t have to talk to the person you’re flaking on and can send a text.

    3. Ginger Sheep*

      I don’t have anything to cheer you up, but lots and lots of commiseration. The same thing happened to me ten years ago – I never was popular, but thought I had a few decent friends, and organised a party for my 30th birthday. Only one couple came when I was expecting a turnout of about 15 people based on RSVPs. Lots of leftovers, lots of tears. I am turning 40 in three days, and I am not doing anything. I really wanted to celebrate (the last seven years were really bad, but most stuff has gotten way better in the past year), but am not doing ANYTHING – no way am I ever going to risk this again. No more birthday parties for me ever, and that makes me sad.
      So at least know that you’re not alone in having crummy friends, and that I feel your pain.

    4. Washi*

      So much sympathy! I just don’t throw parties anymore because I can’t stand the feeling of getting those “sorry, can’t make it” texts as the event approaches. From talking to friends, this is pretty common, and I think people who host a lot of parties are better than I am at not taking it personally!

      I’m much happier now that I only host smaller gatherings (like 3-5 people) and really cherish my non-flaky friends.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Toss the guest book out. Seriously, if it helps to keep the wound raw, then it needs to go. I have tossed dear things here because the wound was still raw.

      I am so sorry this happened to you. It’s my idea of a nightmare also. Cry when you need to, even in years to come. This kind of thing can stay with us for a while.

      I hope time is kind and soon you have new memories involving the warmth of friends and loved ones.

      1. lasslisa*

        I want to second this. Holding on to what it “should have meant” is only going to make it harder to find a new meaning that fits better and hurts less. If you think it might be something that’s a positive feeling later, because of your friend who threw the shower and who clearly cared so deeply about you, put it in a box or something and hide it away.

        As a person who throws a lot of parties, I can tell you the last minute cancellations are a real thing… but vary a lot by person. Over time you learn whose RSVPs mean what (and, in my case, stop inviting people who don’t ever show up).

        And there’re also other tricks you can do, but basically… This happens sometimes and it’s always awful.

        I recently got sick and had to cancel on a friend’s party. Turned out only five of the 15 or so original RSVPs showed up, and this was to a keystone annual event we all look forward to where there usually are around 20 people dropping in over the course of the day. Just bad luck. But I felt awful hearing how small it had been and I think if every person who canceled had known that there would only be five people there, some of those people would have moved their other plans instead, or found a way to make it work at least for a little.

        I hope your friends, if they know how many cancellations you got, feel awful about sticking you like that. Hugs.

    6. !*

      I too am not the type of person who has ever liked being the center of attention. I wanted to elope for my wedding and opted for small family with (very few friends) which was fine but I hated the anxiety it caused me. I have always reciprocated by attending the weddings, showers, etc. of others and being generous with gifts but have never felt the same in return. I have never celebrated my milestone birthdays with anyone but my husband or some family, never had kids, and I have really backed off on putting myself out there for others. I’ve had friends in the past put me in situations where I was left on my own, even when I went out of my way, at my own expense, to go visit them. Some people just don’t care, and so I have learned who I can rely on and the rest are taken with a grain of salt. I have no expectations of others anymore, it was a hard lesson to learn but I feel a lot freer now.

    7. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Very similar thing happened to me about 15 years ago. I was downsizing my bookshelves and invited a dozen people to eat, drink wine, and take my books. A dozen people RSVP’d in the affirmative, and zero people showed up, ugh.

      After that, I quit holding parties and started inviting couples or individuals over for dinner on Sundays — like family Sunday dinners for people who no longer had or never had that tradition in their lives. Still going strong with this scheme, once or twice a month.

      1. Kristen*

        I love your Sunday dinner idea. I cannot wait to have a house worthy of company so I can do something similar.

    8. WellRed*

      Man if I was one of the friends who organized the shower those others would be hearing from me! How hurtful and rude. This is also why I don’t throw parties or like to have them thrown for me. This fear. I’ll be curious how you handle these no shows going forward.

    9. Maya Elena*

      This hasn’t happened to me at a baby shower but has happened to me with parties before, where I invite people and they just don’t show up. It really sucks. I’m actually struggling with building up a friend group right now, in part because we will move house soon (so what’s the point) and in part because people just don’t like spontaneous get-togethers with strangers.
      I have come to the realization that you can be more successful in the following ways:
      -Connect with lots of people, even if it’s against your nature, and move mountains to make it happen if they’re willing and available to hang out; there are lots of other lonely people out there like you
      -First-generation American or not American tend to be more into hanging out spontaneously than Americans are, in my experience.
      -Meet multiple times in a neutral setting like the playground (for kids) or to an activity before inviting people over for a house activity.
      -In general, some people need to have a defined-end activity to want to hang out – e.g. go to a museum together, see a show together, check out a festival. If you like to just sit and talk and play games, you might need to adjust.

    11. Kristen*

      I’m very sorry that happened to you. You deserved much better. Also, not a “first world problem”; you have every right to be hurt. From one painfully shy person to another, I wish I could send you a baby gift.

      Congratulations on the baby though! He or she is going to be amazing!

    12. Llellayena*

      Been there. I still get upset over a birthday party about 15 years ago. Living at home, parents on vacation, house to myself. Invited about 10 people, ended up with 2. Granted, I had to move the date last minute because I didn’t get my asked for day off. I knew I’d lose a few from that. But 3 of my friends not coming because I wouldn’t add someone I had never met before to the guest list hurt.

    13. Owler*

      I’m am so sorry that happened. I am similar to you, and I can feel your pain. As someone said, throw out the guestbook.

      Larger parties sometimes give people a feeling that they are part of a crowd and if they don’t show, no one will notice. It’s hurtful and wrong. Two months ago, I tried to gather ten people who wanted to become friends and six of them cancelled…all with good individual reasons, but I’m not going to put myself out again.

    14. PookieLou*

      Thanks everyone for the reassurance that it’s okay to feel upset. One of the last things I want to be guilty of is an attitude of entitlement, especially when it comes to a gift-giving occasion. People not showing up felt like the embodiment of all my insecurities about social interactions.

      My husband and I very carefully put together a registry of things we need (it’s our first baby and our budget is very limited.) Knowing that over a dozen people planned to come, it was impossible not to imagine bringing home some much-appreciated help. A close relative sent a beautiful stuffed animal from out of state. It is such a generous gift, but the cost of that one toy would have covered the stuffed animal we had picked for our registry, plus a crib mattress and bedding- things our baby really needs, and things that would have lessened our financial burden. I would return it in exchange for the more needed items, but it would be a slap in the face to said relative. (They would as absolutely know if we exchanged the stuffed animal, given our relationship.) The person who texted 2 hours in advance to say they were going to their alma mater’s football game instead wants to drop off a gift later, but I’m not thrilled at the thought of seeing them, since college sports are not a last-minute emergency kind of conflict, and they were one of the most vocal about their commitment to come.

      I’m sure I’ll feel much better with time, but dang it hurts when it’s fresh.

      1. WellRed*

        Personally, I’d be tempted to decline the gift. I do think though you should use it as an opportunity to tell her how hurt you were ( but don’t harp on it).

      2. Gatomon*

        I’m so sorry! Canceling for a sports game (which is like you said, not an emergency, they’re posted months in advance) is just unbelievably rude rude rude. The team will have another game next year, you’re only having one baby shower!

        I’ve definitely noticed that some people seem to be happy to ignore registries entirely – one of my friends had a baby shower where all she got from her closest friends were baby blankets (the one thing she DIDN’T need) and someone’s used and broken baby bouncer. I think I was the only person who got anything for her off the registry, and there were plenty of practical, sub $25 items on it.

        That was actually one of the occurrences that opened my eyes to how that friend group had developed a nasty power dynamic where the “in” crowd was using the “out” crowd and it showed in how they treated the “out” crowd whenever we had something to say, needed help or tried to put an event together. I have no regrets about letting those friendships die off.

        I’m not trying to say that’s what’s happening here, but I think they deserve to be called out for their rude behavior and lack of manners. Go ahead and feel your feelings, and then rise from the ashes like a phoenix. :)

      3. Avasarala*

        I don’t get registries/showers as a concept fully, but I’ve definitely been flaked on. Anyone who flakes on me that drastically is cut. I will not invite them to anything again. I don’t have time for friends who are rude or flaky. It’s disrespectful and unkind. I only invite kind and respectful friends to my house. Someone who texts 2 hours in advance to say they’re going to a football game instead? They’re lucky if they ever see me again. What a hurtful thing to do to someone.

  96. Julia*

    I don’t know what to do about my mother. She’s always been fairly overbearing and has always favored my brothers, but we have been getting along well enough now that I live on the other side of the world.
    However, every time I call, she brings up the topic of my husband and I moving back to Europe. We want to, working in Japan isn’t great, but it’s really hard to find jobs for both of us at the same time and in the same city, and I don’t need to be reminded of it every time. She also keeps suggesting we move back in with them while we search, which I don’t want to. The last time I moved back in for a while, after she had been telling me how much she missed me, within a week she told me she wished I’d never come back.

    In summer, when I called to congratulate my niece on entering first grade and the whole family was there, she butted in saying she was hoping and praying I’d move back soon. She even suggested I go back to my previous awful employer (I was groped and yelled at) because apparently having my close by is more important than my sanity. I said I couldn’t talk anymore and hung up. I went low contact for a few months, but recently started talking to her more often again because she had seemed to have gotten the message for a while.
    Today I called to wish my father a happy birthday, and she butted in again talking about us moving back. Husband and I had just spent the afternoon trying to figure out where we could move and who would have to make career sacrifices when this happened, so at that point I yelled at her that I couldn’t take her BS anymore every time I called for something else. She told me to be “peaceful” (because every time I speak up for myself, I am blamed for ruining the family peace) and I said I have tried that all my life and I was sick of it, then I hung up.

    What do I do with this? We have tickets to fly home for Christmas, very expensive non-refundable tickets. I only want to see my grandma and baby niece in peace…

    1. Traffic_Spiral*

      Think of it as her awkward way of saying she misses you, and respond accordingly. “Yeah, we’d love to see more of you too, mom – maybe someday a jog opportunity will turn up.”

      2. Julia*

        Sorry, but no. She has been pestering me about going back to a job where I was sexually harrassed and gaslit just so I can be closer, without ever acknowledging how being close to her has caused problems in the past. She is a grown woman, as am I – if I say I won’t do something because it hurts me, she needs to accept that and drop it.

    2. Fikly*

      Boundaries! I don’t want to talk about this with you mom. If you keep bringing it up, I’m going to have to stop this conversation. And then if she brings it up, hang up.

      And when you’re visiting, leave if she won’t stop.

      1. Julia*

        I’ve been doing that. But when I leave, I also have to leave the other people in the room who I actually did want to talk to, and that sucks.

        1. valentine*

          Those people have effectively chosen her over you, though. If you’re not able to see them without her, that’s a choice they’re making (except niece and other minors, or anyone enmeshed). This reminds me of the Captain Awkward letter about mother-in-law Alice. I think that might help you.

          Your mom wants points for talking the talk and has zero intention of walking the walk. Perhaps it is cold comfort that she doesn’t mean what she says; she merely wants to be seen to say it to fulfill a narrative that mothers and daughters are close emotionally and seek to be close geographically. You can’t trust her and I bet it’s tough to trust anyone she knows because you have to pause to calculate whether they’ll report to her and when she’ll ambush you.

          Waiting on her to change is like saying, “It’s 2019. How is [-ism] still a thing?” Well, it’s a thing because the people perpetrating it aren’t stopping or changing themselves. They’re getting something from it and they’ll fight to keep it. She didn’t get it, or she’s going to do the minimum to keep you on a string. Time passes and you think about the good times or you forget how bad it was or true change seems possible. But if you were happy estranged, consider that that’s what serves you, even if means not having relationships with anyone who lives with her or backs her up or doesn’t actively choose you, including basic loyalty and support. Your mom and Team Mom are the ones preventing peace. They don’t get to build it on your silent suffering and that’s something they want because it’s easier than confronting their part in your mother’s mistreatment of you.

          I’d consider the sunk cost a small price to pay for my sanity and stay away from the country as long as I had any urge to see her or knew I might fold under pressure, repeating the cycle. If you can go, but only see others, and only if they won’t advocate for her or guilt you, that’s an idea. But she’s sticking to keeping both of you in these nightmare roles. And it’s Christmas. How do you really want to spend it?

          1. Julia*

            Thank you for your thoughtful response. I read all the replies this morning before heading to work and couldn’t answer then, because of time constraints, but also because I’d cry.

            For now, I have blocked her and my parents’ home phone number and let one of my brothers know that our mother wouldn’t be able to reach me for a while. This is tricky, because my brothers are her golden children, but all he said this time was “issues again?” (Last time he said it should be easy to forgive our parents because they’re old – easy for him as the golden child…)

        2. Observer*

          If you can, juts walk away and continue your conversation. Literally continue talking.

          If that doesn’t work, you are going to have to decide which it more important, because you simply cannot change another person. On the other hand, if you refuse to engage and you refuse to stay there / continue the conversation when she does this, there is a good chance that she will learn how to behave. Not that she’ll be more accepting, but she will (hopefully) learn that she can’t say these things to you.

          Also, don’t stay in her house. And make arrangements to see Grandma, niece, etc. on occasions other than in a group with your mother. Same for phone calls – why do you have to only call niece when Mom is around? Don’t let her be the gatekeeper to the rest of your family.

          1. lasslisa*

            In front of other people you might try to say “oh, mom, let’s not talk about that right now! How is Niece doing?” – and then if she keeps on it at least she’s the one being rude and hijacking the nice family conversation.

    3. parents ugh*

      My mother is like that, and I also moved to a different continent, and what I have come to realize is that what she really misses is her/some idea of me, which has nothing to do with real me. So your experience of being back for a week after professions of missing you, and then how she wishes you weren’t there make total sense in that framework. She likes some image she has of you, and real you can never live up/be that fantasy. It sucks and is painful! I usually say something like I’m sorry it’s hard for you, but it’s much easier to not take it personally because it’s ever clearer it’s about her, it’s not about me.

      1. Julia*

        Thank you. I just don’t understand how after 30 years, she still doesn’t see this, but then again this is a woman who mocks therapy and thinks my therapist is planting ideas in my head…

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Ironically, she is the one who needs to be peaceful.

      Can you toss this back to her every time she mentions moving? “Mom, you need to be peaceful. When you mention this topic you are not being peaceful.”

      You might want to figure out how you can see others without seeing your mother. Is there someone in the family who would assist in this manner? Perhaps someone who would have a couple people over to visit you when you are home?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I figured she wouldn’t be able to hack it. That is why I mentioned it. Often times people do not like their own words coming back at them.

        2. Arts Akimbo*

          What if you and the spouse just got a hotel room or AirB&B and invited the couple of people you want to see?

          Or, failing all else, just use your expensive nonrefundable tickets having a romantic getaway and not seeing anyone? ;)

          1. Julia*

            I want to. Not sure we can afford it, though, the tickets alone were more than I’d usually pay, but my grandma is 97 and I just had to fly home to see her this year.
            I also have a bunch of stuff left at my parents’ house… I don’t necessarily want to go completely no contact, but the way it is now isn’t working for anyone. I’ll see what my therapist says.

    5. Alex*

      I totally sympathize this this–my mother is the same way. For mothers like this, there are no magical words you can say that will make them respect your choices when your actions are in conflict with what they want. They will never respect you as a person separate from them, so they will never listen to your wishes as something that is valid.

      In my case, my strategy is to just fall completely silent when one of the “hot topics” is brought up (by her, always by her). I give one definitive answer with no reasons she can argue with: “No, I’m not planning on moving” and then just stop answering her rant except with completely neutral “mmmm” sounds. She eventually realizes she has hit a dead end and ends the conversation herself.

      Hanging up or leaving is read as an act of aggression, which escalates the conflict. That may feel like you are making a statement, but that doesn’t really matter for people who will never hear you, no matter what. Completely refusing to engage while still being present derails them–it’s like sucking all of the oxygen out of the room so the flame goes out.

      Good luck. I know dealing with mothers like this is really hard.

      1. Julia*

        Thank you. Yes, it does seem like she has a hard time understanding what I want in life. I have told her I’m not giving birth but adopting (I also have endometriosis she denied in my teens, and when I finally got diagnosed in my twenties the doctor said she didn’t know how much fertility I have) and now she’ll sometimes tell me stories from random women she knows who gave birth despite endo, and doesn’t hear that there are reasons why I don’t want that. (Namely her telling me awful stories about giving birth to me, but also not wanting to pass on my DNA.)

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Gently, it’s not HER who needs to understand your reasons.
          All she needs to know is “here is what I am going to do”.

          Some people lack the bandwidth or simply choose not to understand other people’s choices. It’s hard to sort out which one is going on here, but it sure looks like it’s the latter.

          Decide how many variations of “but I don’t underSTAAAAAND” you are willing to go through and then put your foot down. “Okay, mom, I really was not asking your opinion. I was simply letting you know what my plans are. It really was not intended to be a long debate. I have decided and this is what I will be doing.”

          1. Julia*

            Oh, believe me, I have definitely gone with “it’s not up for discussion” or similar, but she will bring it up unprompted and in front of other people, often with me being “stubborn” or “too sensitive”… I guess I’ve always known she was like this, but yesterday hit me really hard with all the stressors I already have going on, and I ended up venting here after I finally managed to start breathing again.

            1. Observer*

              It doesn’t matter who is around when she brings it up. Tell her that “We’ve been through this before. This is not open for another discussion.” Then stick to it.

              1. Not So NewReader*

                She is probably doing the same thing to them, so OP, this makes you a role model on how to handle this crap. Because it IS crap.

                1. Julia*

                  Ha, she’s not doing it to my brothers as much because even if she does, they get away with shutting her down. I get told I’m bitchy. And of course this serves my brothers really well because they get pestered less.

    6. Avasarala*

      I had to have a come-to-Amaterasu talk with my parents, saying that when they keep pushing and hinting at me moving back, it makes me feel like they don’t value my choices and my experiences away from home, like they think it only matters if I do it in front of them. They got the message and have stopped.

      Your mom sounds more abusive than this. I think you need to go low contact again–it helped her get the message before. Use your tickets home but get a hotel and separate transport. Schedule time with family members you want to see without your mom there. Schedule time to see your mom in a scenario you can leave if things go south.

      1. Julia*

        That’s another good point. We do want to move back to Europe, but it’s not as easy as she apparently thinks it is (and the job ads she sends me show that she has no idea what I can do or WANT to do), but not on her terms.

        I just wish I could have a normal mother, or at least one as nice as she pretends in front of my in-laws and friends…

  97. The Other Dawn*

    We released our two barn kitties from their cages a couple weeks ago and I’m happy to see they’re still around. We’ve seen them in our yard a few times since then. They run like hell when they see us, but they’re alive, have food, and a place to sleep. Today we’re going to make a couple shelters for them with large plastic totes and hay. I’m thinking of making a couple more, because I noticed we have two more kitties in the yard, both orange and white. We’ve seen them several times a year for the last few years, so my guess is they either belong to someone and they’re outdoor cats just looking for an extra handout or place to hang out, or they’re neighborhood strays or ferals. That’s fine–I’ll feed all the kitties!

    1. Smol Book Wizard*

      Yay! I can’t do much for the wild-y kitties of the world now because I’m in such an unstable situation (also family allergies) but I always want to congratulate and encourage those who can. There are so many cats who are probably never going to be snuggle buddies with anyone but still need a safe kind home base! I wonder if yours would appreciate a doghouse as a shelter, if the hay and baskets doesn’t work out? Often those can be quite nicely insulated and provide a little hide-out that’s waterproof as well.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        We built two shelters today using heavy duty plastic totes and straw, along with a moving blanket between the two lids. We’ll see how that goes. We may build a couple more.

  98. First House Buyer*

    House buying question! My husband and I are buying a house and I don’t know how to proceed on one he really likes, but I’m just uncertain about.
    Should we put an offer in on this house?

    House is from early 1900s, but was completely redone inside and out, just the frame is standing.
    Pros:
    -Beautifully redone: everything is brand spanking new, from roof to electric to plumbing, and interior looks spectacular and high quality
    -Garage and yard and even
    -An in-law apartment addition
    -Neighborhood: pretty good, already getting better and more expensive quickly
    -better than anything we could get for that price on our expensive goofing market

    Cons:
    -Flipped house
    -Floors notably sloped
    -Abuts a highway noise blocking wall
    -old house
    -Listinf agent part owner of the house
    -Someone else already made offer but backed out because of the uneven floors

    Thank you!

    2. university minion*

      In addition to an inspection (which are of dubious value, IMO), pay for a structural engineer who isn’t connected with a foundation repair company to inspect the foundation/piers and make a report. How are the other systems? HVAC? Wiring? Plumbing? Hopefully when rehabbing the house, they paid less attention to paint colors and more to systems. That’s unlikely, though.

      Flips are pretty notorious for poor quality treatment of houses, and depending on what they did, some of the changes can be really hard to undo. In my area, when I hear “house flip” that means knock down a bunch of interior walls, paint everything white, put in a kitchen island, shiplap somewhere and at least one barn door. I’ve seen some gorgeous older houses destroyed by this fixer-upper type renovation. If that’s the sort of layout/house you like, go for new construction, not an old house.

      1. Maya Elena*

        Thanks for the advice!
        The listing claims it to be new roof, heater, boiler, electric, siding, insulation, plumbing -in addition to new floors, kitchen (don’t love the island but eh), filled in an in-ground pool, fixed up the garage…. we also looked at another flipped home which was as you describe, and there’s no comparison.

        Why do you say the inspection is of dubious value? Do they basically do what I could and casually look over it?
        Looking at old pics (from an old listing) I don’t even think they knocked out that many walls. (But yes, they did add a barn door, lol.)

        2. university minion*

          Basically yes… they can’t look at what’s behind walls and that leaves what’ visible to the eye. Many also don’t get on roofs; they just observe from the ground. Ditto for attics if the opening is small and the inspector is not. I’m fairly observant, though not hypercritical, and I’ve never had an inspection reveal something that wasn’t pretty obvious. They don’t look under carpeting to see what asbestos laden goodies might be under there (not a big deal unless/until you want to rip them out). The termite/WDO inspection is separate and can be valuable (but can also be a lot of false alarms… not everything is a crisis).
          Is there adequate cabinet space in the kitchen? I’ve seen some ridiculous sacrifices in cabinet space in the name of “opening up the house”. Looks gorgeous when staged, but is there actually a place to put the stuff that a real human being needs in order to cook and eat a meal?
          What kind of siding and what’s underneath it?

          1. Maya Elena*

            Kitchen is comparable to a bunch of other houses we’ve seen; it’s not my ideal kitchen but quite respectable. Anything is a step up from my current kitchen… but I will think more about the cabinet space. That’s a good point for general house search, not just this one.

            The carpet…. from old pics looks like they put in new carpet over hardwood floors in the bedroom.
            Attic is completely accessible and pretty awesome (one of the lesser draws of the property).
            The “up on roof” is a good point; I would have thought they tried to see what’s under carpets.
            Well, we shall see. I’m thinking we might put the offer in and pull out if inspections (including lead, radon, termite, whatever else I can think off) turns up issues… don’t know if this is wise or feasible though?

    3. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Hire an inspector, whom you pay yourself. If the seller wants an offer super soon, then give an offer contingent on your inspection. Sloping floors can indicate shoddy workmanship on the renovations, or foundation issues, or why not both.

    4. Anon Here*

      So it sounds like it’s right next to the highway? I would note that as a health risk. Proximity to highways raises your risk for cancer and other diseases. It’s something to avoid if you can.

      And definitely find out if the sloped floors are the result of a more serious structural issue. I’m thinking next to a highway + foundation issues = trouble. The house might be getting vibrations from heavy traffic and this could make any structural issues worse over time. That could be the reason it’s so affordable.

      But you could just live there for a few years, continue to renovate, and then sell it at a profit, basically flipping it again. Those would be bigger issues if you wanted to stay long-term.

      1. Maya Elena*

        I don’t want to be in the flipping business… anyway there isn’t anything cosmetic to be done to this house, unless what they did is truly shitty in a way I can’t see (all the cabinets fall off or something). There is a distinct “Too-good-to-be-true” feel. I’m conflicted, but spouse wants it pretty badly.
        I will bring the pollution issue to him, because we have kids and I don’t want to increase health risks.

      1. WellRed*

        I agree. We have slightly sloping floors at work and it’s gradually thrown my skeleton off kilter. I’d hate to think of the long term impact on the structural integrity of the house or what the say about the structural integrity of the house.

        1. Maya Elena*

          That’s an interesting long-term effect I definitely wouldn’t have thought of… but I’ve lived in rentals with slight sloping issues or unevenness for ever, since childhood, so it wouldn’t be 100% new.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      The highway noise blocking wall did me in. I’d say nope just on that.

      However, uneven floors. I have them here! My house is pushing 200 years old and my area is pretty wet. Okay it’s a swamp.

      The thing here is to find out why the floors are uneven. Yeah, the house is old but what happened. Here I have several things, the wet area, the School House Factor and some shoddy construction. School houses were built out of whatever they had handy and in whatever manner made sense to them. I have heard it said that school house owners could form a club because of their stories. I tend to agree. Later work that was done may or may not have been the best choice at that time.

      Here’s the key for me: With the price we paid I would fully expect to take on some big projects. We looked around at that time and for our price range this house had projects that could be postponed, the projects could be done down the road a ways. Other houses not so much. As far as the floors, I would be most concerned if the floors “gave” when you walked across them. I waited a bit too long to get things fixed. My friend/contractor said, “You did not have floors you had trampolines.” Floors should not bounce as you walk.

      Look around do you see plants noted for growing in wet areas? Do you see streams? Is the basement wet or damp?
      Another huge factor is thinking about who would come to fix the floors. If you don’t know people or have friends who know contractors this can be a headache. I got verrry lucky. I met my friend/contractor who made this all very easy to deal with. He jacked up the center of my house 3 inches. It needed to go 6 inches. I wanted him to stop when he started to feel uncomfortable so he stopped at 3 inches. My kitchen floor is still tilted but my roof line is back in place. (go figure) The remaining problem floor cannot really be fixed as it is resting on a huge, huge post and that involves more money than it’s worth as floor seems to have stopped going down. It’s in a corner of a room and not that noticeable.

      But, really. If you fix the floors the house is still next to a noisy highway. If there are lights on the highway, those lights can be very bright and disrupt sleep until you get blackout curtains.

    7. Enough*

      How well does the wall keep out noises? Go by at various times on day/days a week. Knew someone who only looked at a house on a weekend when there was limited traffic on the road the house was on. Found it was just about impossible to turn left out of the drive in the mornings.

      1. Maya Elena*

        OOH good point! I wanted to go by during a rush hour. Just goes to show what inexperience can do for you – this is my first house-buying experience ever, since my family was never into owning….

        1. fposte*

          I would also go by, if you can, on an otherwise quiet night. Sound seems to travel farther and there’s less to blot it out then. It’s also good that (assuming you’re in the Northern Hemisphere) it’s late fall, because foliage can absorb more noise in summer and winter can be a noisy surprise.

          1. Maya Elena*

            We’ve been there evenings twice now; I’m planning to go one more time in rush hour to check out the noise (yes, I’m in the Northern hemisphere).
            To be more specific, it abuts the RAMP onto the highway, not the highway itself so much.
            I have more time – and the other people might change their mind; we shall see.

        2. Filosofickle*

          Can you knock on doors and talk to neighbors? Some might spill the beans about local traffic, noise, community, and even whether the flip appeared to have been done well.

    8. Kristen*

      Flipped houses always make me nervous. You just don’t know who did the important work (i.e., plumbing, electrical, HVAC, etc in case I’m missing something) unless they can prove it somehow. I think there’s a lot of amateurs who think they’re better than they are at these trades and will skip out on getting permits to ensure work is inspected and up to code. I’m also paranoid and untrusting in general of people I don’t know so there ya go.

      If you have enough money to shop around more for a better house, I’d probably keep looking unless the work mentioned above can be signed off on by professionals and you find out the sloped floors isn’t a concern (I don’t know anything about that and that may just be something that comes with the territory of owning an older home).

    9. Maya Elena*

      Thank you everyone for your advice on this house.
      To compromise with the husband, if the seller gets back to us, we will likely put in an offer with LOTS of contingencies and I will still keep my eyes open to all the things you mentioned, including hiring a structural engineer and checking how the traffic and lights are at rush hour.
      Maybe it’s more courageous to say NO right now, but this is how I will probably act.

      1. valentine*

        Since you say notably sloped and don’t know what’s causing it (sinkhole?), you could end up with whatever it is suddenly causing a steep slope and have to move out so you can shore it up in hopes of selling.

    10. Rick Tq*

      Get a copy of all the building permits that have been issued for the property, there should be ones for foundation work, roof replacement, electrical, and plumbing.

      Sloping floors is a deal-killer for me, you will have to level your oven, stove, and refrigerator if you want things to be level in pans and bake properly.

      Good luck on your search.

    11. Gatomon*

      The problem with flips is that people often do a lot of the work as quickly and cheaply as possible to minimize the number of mortgage payments they make. A lot is focused on making it show good to sell ASAP and not resolving actual issues or considering functionality. So while you may have all new house “guts,” they may not be high quality or installed by professionals. If this was a DIY flip and not someone experienced or construction background, you could be in for a world of hurt. The fact that the listing agent is part owner worries me a lot – does this listing agent do nothing but list homes they have flipped? If so I’d run far far away. There are agents out there who do it only to maximize their own profits.

      Sloped floors isn’t strange in an old house like that, but it’s a big flag to me. At best the house needs to be jacked up in spots, as another commenter mentioned. Why did the previous buyer back out over the sloped floors? Did they bring someone in for an estimate and find out there was a serious issue?

      1. First House Buyer*

        They brought in an inspector. We haven’t seen the results of that buyer’s inspection but will try to get it if they’re willing.

  99. Bilateralrope*

    The cat at work chased off another cat last week. Which means that she’s dealt with more intruders than any of the security guards in the past 2 years.

    Also, she made a lot of noise until I watched her eat what was either a leaf or a large green moth/butterfly.

  100. C.J.*

    Three days I found out that my friend A lied about being the victim of a hate crime. I am just devastated. I’m part of the same community as they are. When it happened there was so much support from both inside the community as well as outside of it. There were donations. Calls and emails of support. Cards. People dropped off baked goods. People helped to clean up and repair. There was widespread commendation of the act and the perpetrator. There was a vigil of support. Now someone called A out online saying things didn’t add up. They kept up and what they brought forward looked like proof. They admitted to faking the whole thing when the calls for them to explain got louder. Between the proof and their admission there is no doubt A faked the whole thing. They were arrested two days ago for filing a false police report, faking evidence, vandalism, fraud and taking donations when they didn’t need to. I’m afraid for my community over the backlash and that next time people won’t believe us. But mostly I feel betrayed by A. Has anyone else ever gone through something like this?

    2. WellRed*

      I haven’t either. Hopefully most people will recognize that A has some reason for doing this and won’t hold it against others in the community should someone have a real issue.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Lies always bubble to the surface.
      I am not clear if the person who started the call out is part of your community (of people targeted for hate crimes). If yes, this means that your community is very good at policing itself and preventing fraud. This is important when people do not tolerate fraud among their own group.

      If the person who called out is a member of your surrounding community ( community in the general sense of people who live and work around you) that’s a little tougher. It’s hard to know if this person is generally supportive and just does not like fraud OR if this person is part of the hate problem.

      I have an idea, but it’s modest. We run a program here in my area to help people with paying for utilities. We use a neutral third party agency to vouch that the individual has an actual need. Yes, we do catch cons this way.
      And we have caught a few. Is there someone living in your area who would be willing to be that neutral third party for you and your friends/group? This could be a religious leader, a social services worker, or similar person who has credibility with the public BECAUSE of the work they do in your area.

      1. Kau*

        “OR if this person is part of the hate problem”

        What? How is calling out legitimate fraud part of the hate problem? OP’s friend staged a hate crime. They admitted to doing it. The person who called them was right to do so no matter who they are. Calling someone out for lying about a hate crime doesn’t mean that you are hateful yourself. Sheesh.

        1. LilySparrow*

          I think NotSoNew was referring to the phenomenon of trolls who try to pick apart victims’ stories as part of a narrative/conspiracy theory that hate crimes don’t really happen.

          Like the way Alex Jones denies the reality of Sandy Hook – except in this case the troll got lucky and found an actual fraud. (Even a broken clock is right twice a day).

          Part of the devastating consequences of such a fraud is that it encourages trolls to harass and defame real victims even more.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Yes, this is why we have the word “frenemy” because even in personal, one-on-one relationships people can have their own agendas. Not everyone, not all the time, but it happens enough that we now have a word for this behavior.
            Likewise on a larger scale, people can target groups using the guise of being an ally.

    4. Anon Here*

      I’ve lived through a lot of crazy stuff. Sometimes I feel like I’m over-reacting and sometimes I feel like I’m under-reacting. Every day, I ride this cycle where things I’ve lived through look like hate crimes in one light and funny mishaps I should laugh off in another light. I can never decide for sure. I get angry about “hate crimes” in my own life and then feel guilty for talking about it that way because maybe it wasn’t a big deal and I should get over it and appreciate how good my life is. You know what I mean?

      But this is really different from that. This person actually staged a bunch of things and called the police. This isn’t me feeling like I exaggerated how bad a past experience was when writing about it. This is more of a deliberate, planned act.

      So I can’t relate at all. I’ve never known anyone who did anything like that. But it pinged a weird raw nerve because I’ve been feeling really conflicted lately about my own past – whether or not I should be angry about things, whether I was a victim or made choices for reasons. It’s always a mix of both.

      Anyway, I’m sorry your community is going through this. I don’t know what else to say.

  101. Samsung smartphone won't turn on.*

    My Samsung S4 smartphone won’t turn on and I’d like to know if anyone else has had this problem and was able to fix it.

    The phone had been periodically restarting over the past two weeks. I was able to back it up to my computer. I went in and deleted the cash and that seemed to fix it for a day, until this morning when it turned off and then would not turn back on again. I had fully charged the battery last night and turned the phone off overnight. I was able to turn it on and use the phone this morning, then it shut off again when I was not using it and will not turn on. I plugged in the charger and it still won’t turn on. Almost seems like there’s something wrong with the phone discharging the battery; the phone didn’t react normally when I plugged in the charger, just no response from the phone.

    What I want to do now is get it to turn on so I can delete all my personal data and replace the phone. The representatives at the local AT&T store can’t help me and only want to sell me a new phone (surprise!). I purchased the phone warranty plan ($9 a month) and this is the second phone that’s been replaced over the past 3 years.

    Any information is truly appreciated. Thanks!

    1. Observer*

      Most of the stores really can’t handle hardware. But, there is generally one or two stores in any given area that may be able to do this. Find out where the most local AT&T store that handles hardware is and see if they can help you.

      Do the people who do your warranty require that you return the phone? Because if not and you can’t get the phone turned back on, you might just want to literally break the phone.

      Also, is it really worth paying $9 per month for the warranty? Recent lower end phones give you everything something like the S4 gives you, and you wouldn’t be spending a whole lot more. Or you could have spent the same $9 per month (or less, to be honest) with AT&T on a phone that’s far more current.

      Obviously, get your replacement now – you’ve already paid for it. But given that you are getting really old phones at this point, it’s really worth looking at other options.

    2. LGC*

      When I saw you had an S4, I was going to tell you to just replace the thing! Motorola makes good, inexpensive phones, for starters. But then you said you replaced two phones in the past three years.

      I do have to ask where you got the phone from – you said it was a replacement, but the S4 is a six year old model. The first thing I’d do is replace the battery – which you can easily do on that phone. (I’d look on Amazon for replacements.)

      You can also take it to an independent repair shop. Or call the warranty provider.

    3. Samsung smartphone won't turn on.*

      Thanks to those who replied with the helpful information. I removed the battery and left it out of the case for 10 minutes, then reinstalled the battery and I was able to wipe data and perform factory reset.

      I’m now going to file a claim with AT&T for a new phone and cancel the $9 a month protection plan.

      1. Samsung smartphone won't turn on.*

        The replacement phone is a Samsung S8. I don’t think I’ll go with the $16 a month protection plan.

        1. WellRed*

          Glad you resolved this. I had a similar problem with a Samsung a few years back. I recently replaced my three year old Sam7. The battery wasn’t holding a charge well. They really don’t last much beyond 3 years. I replaced the battery but then switched carriers and had to upgrade anyway. Sigh. It’s all a racket.

  102. BRR*

    Chocolate. I love to bake and I’d love to be able to save some money on high quality chocolate (I am fond of guittard and valhrona). I’m ok buying I’m bulk to save since I’ll use it, but the internet is failing me on this so far. Anybody know any sources?

    1. fposte*

      I’m seeing an old stackexchange discussion that links to the still valid vendors chocosphere dot com, candywarehouse dot com and chocolateman dot com, all of which I am going to spend a *lot* of time perusing now. How are you on Callebaut? I see that sold in broken-up bags sometimes in b&m stores and I bet places that do that would be willing to order in a whole block for you.

      1. Lcsa99*

        You are awesome. We just bought 3 pounds of chocolate and half a pound of black cocoa powder for a lot less than we would have paid elsewhere!

      2. BRR*

        Thank you! I can’t believe I didn’t find chocosphere. It has exactly what I’m looking for at a great price.

  103. Jean-Michel Franks and Beans*

    General whine for the day. I’ve been attempting to buy new living room furniture and have looked at all of the stores in town and I’m just so disappointed with what is currently available in the stores areound here. I’m looking for a sofa and a chair (maybe a small recliner) and for a new chest of drawers for my bedroom. Most of the sofas and chairs are only available in shades of white through gray through black, with a few ugly shades of brown available. I suppose I’ll end up with something in white, but it is hard to keep clean. I’d really like something in a blue or green or maybe some other color. Or maybe a print. I haven’t seen a single sofa in any kind of print.

    With regards to the chest of drawers, I’d like something in a lighter colored stained wood, something sort of gold or blonde. All I can find is painted white or off-white or painted black or else very darkly stained wood. I did find one chest that was close, but it turned out that instead of being real wood it was made with “pressed wood” (sort of a wood laminate that is a step above particle board). I guess I just have weird taste in furniture.

    Then there is the hassle and extra cost of delivery. This is one of those rare times when I wish I had my own pickup truck so I could haul the furniture myself.

    1. Lcsa99*

      We had that problem when my husband and I were looking for stuff for our new place. Everything looked the same and was just boring. Either that or cost about 10x what we would be able to pay. I just kept looking online and looking at EVERY option stores had to offer till I found something we liked. It had to be special ordered but we are so in love.

      If you particularly want something with real hardwood you can look at auction sites like ebth dot com. You’d have to pay for shipping unless you live in the area but if you find something nice maybe you can finish it yourself.

    2. WellRed*

      Lots of places have options to order in a different fabric. They may also have other furniture options. I’ve never paid for delivery ( except a tip) but frankly would find it worth the cost for large items like a couch.

    3. Observer*

      If you don’t mind ordering totally on line, and are ok with some assembly, perhaps look at Ikea. They do have couches in different colors and lighter colored woods.

      1. Clisby*

        If you like Ikea’s stuff and aren’t good at assembly, you might be able to hire someone who can do it for you. Ikea partners with TaskRabbit, so you could see if that’s available in your area. (My husband’s previous office got most of their office furniture from Ikea, and hired someone to come in and put it together.)

    4. Cruciatus*

      I hear you. I found something at Macy’s and ordered it online–the Radley couch. It also has a ton of colors and reviews are really good (if you’re in the US and check it out be sure to click “See all colors”). There are also different versions (sleeper sofa, chair, sectional, etc.). I like the style though I’m sure it’s not for everyone. I’m nervous about buying something I’ve never sat on, but I’m hoping those reviews were honest and that I have a pretty good idea about what I’m getting. I’m not excited about the delivery fee either and I’m kicking myself because I didn’t see the couch when I bought my bed (also from Macy’s). They do lower the price of another item if delivering more than one thing, but I was able to get codes online to get the price a little lower for the couch and figured it was a wash and I just wanted to buy a frickin’ couch already.

      1. Jean-Michel Franks and Beans*

        Thanks for your comments. It’s a nice sofa and a good price (currently on sale ). I can imagine ordering one and then a love seat or a chair in the same style, but in a contrasting color. Maybe a naval blue sofa and a sapphire blue love seat. Or a sapphire blue sofa and a heavenly mulberry red chair. Please write again when you receive it and let us know if it lives up to the positive reviews others have posted.

    5. Jean-Michel Franks and Beans*

      Thank you for commiserating. Based on your comments, Lesa99 and WellRed, my latest idea is to find a particular sofa that I like (aside from the color), make sure that it is comfortable and well-constructed, and then order it in a more pleasing color. I’m still a little scared of ordering something as expensive as furniture online, but some of the ones that have consistently good online reviews are probably O.K.

      I had heard of EBTH, but had forgotten about it. It seems similar to another site called “Chairish.” Most of the items in EBTH look fabulous, and while the shipping seems a bit expensive, at least they are up front about it. It seems that often the prices are low enough that with shipping added it is still a fairly good deal. (I found a nice hardwood Federal style dresser that cost approximately $160.00, but that had a shipping charge of approximately $360.00 on top of that, so $520.00 total. Still, not terribly bad.

      IKEA is certainly an option, Observer, and they do have some nice chests of drawers in lighter colored woods.

    6. Cat*

      I got a deep blue couch from West Elm in their performance velvet fabric – it’s held up well for years and you can see samples in the stores. I highly recommend it.

  104. Anon Here*

    I think the MTA conspired against me today.

    “You know that Anon character who rides the train all the way from South Brooklyn to practice foreign languages in Manhattan?”

    “Yeah.”

    “She HATES cold weather. Let’s shut down a whole span of train tracks, including several stations, with no announcement, and no workable alternate route. And let’s shut down the trains going BACK from the place where she’ll be stranded! Let’s make her walk half way across Brooklyn in the freezing cold! And miss her French group!”

    “Right on!”

    “High five!”

    “Magnifique!”

    Well, I can say I got some practice with the alphabet. (Local reference.)

    In other news, my creative projects are going terrifically and I’m happy about that. I’m happy about many things in life right now. I went through a rough spot last winter, but now things seem to be turning around.

    Today’s experiment:

    Is it safe to eat noodles that sat out for a day after being cooked?

    Hypothesis: Add water. Boil the noodles in the water for a few minutes so they get cooked a little more and get sanitized. Eat with olive oil.

    Results: Very tasty. Seems to have worked. So far so good.

    1. OyHiOh*

      Oh, I’ve absolutely done the same thing with noodles before. Assuming they’re not over cooked to start with, they’ve been fine. Three to five minutes at a rolling boil is enough to kill most food born pathogens

  105. Angie*

    I got some really great news on Friday morning. I live in the Seattle area and I won a local contest for 2 tickets to the Pacific Northwest ballet production of Nutcracker. I’m going to take my 6 year old son. For no apparent reason he’s been humming the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy for the past 2 weeks. He’s been asking about the Nutcracker. I entered on a lark. I’m going to take him out to breakfast and we’re going to enjoy his first live performance. I believe they’re going to be pretty good tickets too because they’re supposed to be about $100 a piece. I haven’t won anything in a while so this is pretty nice.

    1. fposte*

      Wow, congratulations, and what a wonderful outcome! There’s something Golden Ticketishly special about a surprise Nutcracker bounty.

    3. Parenthetically*

      How fantastic. I have such wonderful memories of going to see Nutcracker with my mom and grandma when I was about that age. So magical. Have a great time!!

  107. Gilmore67*

    I went out to lunch with a friend today. I paid cash for my meal. I gave the server $20 for my meal that was 11 and some change. She gave me back bills only and no change. The amount back was less than how much it should have been. I confirmed with my friend the amount of the bill, what I gave the server and what I got back and yes she did not give me all my change back.

    When I asked the server about it she said… ” I didn’t have any change”. And that was that. Really? You work at restaurant/bar. You didn’t care or couldn’t figure out to go to the bar or a co-worker and ask to make change for a buck? You don’t know how to be handle a transaction professionally?

    She begrudgingly handed me another $1 when I looked a little annoyed. I was annoyed at the gall to just be so flippant about. Like I was suppose to just say… “Oh okay, yeah that’s fine that you don’t carry enough change with you to give back to your table the way you should”.

    If I had not said anything and she does this at other tables is she making a couple bucks off people? Because obviously when she does her checks at the end of her shift she can just take that extra .50 she didn’t give me and whomever else and count that as a tip.

    It isn’t the money in itself. I was just sitting there kinda dumbfounded that a server would actually short you your change purposely and then just be like…. Oh well. And then be irritated that I brought it up.

    Oh and her tip?.. Like my friend suggested…. ” I just didn’t have the right change with me,……” She didn’t get all of what I was going to give her. Probably should have stiffed her.

    1. Thankful for AAM*

      The server should have given you all your change and you should tip based on service. You know servers in the US get a very low wage, like $2 + an hour so tips are important. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

      And if you were disappointed, speak to the manager, “I’d like all my change and to determine my own tip. If that is not the practice here, let me know so I don’t return.” I find saying something is better than just not tipping.

      1. Enough*

        Yes to talking to the manager. Nothing changes if no one knows.
        And restaurants minimum wage varies by state.

        1. valentine*

          Even if there were somehow no change in the building, I would expect them to (1) tell you (2) offer the option of paying with a card (3) returning a whole-dollar amount in your favor.

      2. Gilmore67*

        I did actually contact the home page customer service on line. I didn’t get her name but at least I said something.

        Where did I go wrong? Bad service, bad tip. She short changed me on purpose. If she wanted a good tip she should have provided better service other than ripping me off on purpose.

        And I doubt greatly that restaurants tell their servers not to give their customers all their change back.

        Not tipping a lot was the right call.

        1. Violetta*

          So you were gonna have her hand you back the change, and then leave a tip? Why not just round the bill up to whatever you wanted to tip and tell her to hand you back $5 or $7 or whatever? Seems like a waste of time for everyone involved.

    2. LGC*

      Woof.

      So…like, yeah, she should give you all your change back by default. What’s worse is that she sounded reticent about it – I feel like if she’d been more upfront about the issue, you wouldn’t have been as upset with her. (Maybe “upset” is too strong, but I think it gets the idea across.)

      On the other hand, I’m iffy about stiffing a server in any instance. Like, she’s pocketing change. It’s dishonest, but…as Thankful pointed out, a lot of servers get paid only $2.13/hr base. (To be fair, they do have to be paid at least regular statutory minimum wage under law if their tips don’t add up, but who’s watching?) I think you should still tip because at this point, tipping is more paying them for their service rather than giving them a bonus. (And I’m aware that this is a really problematic sentence. I would prefer it to be different.)

      Also, she works at a bar and grill, it sounds like. While she should be more professional, I’m not that shocked that she…wasn’t.

      1. Avasarala*

        Someone pocketing change and being dishonest about my change is one of the few reasons I would not tip. Same with overcharging me and taking the difference. Completing the payment transaction is also part of the service.

        1. Gilmore67*

          Yes, that is basically what I am saying. Short changing me for any reason is just wrong. Whatever they get paid and hour doesn’t translate to ripping customers off.

          She didn’t complete the service honestly and took my money.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Some people just don’t get it. Management should be embarrassed that she did not know to give the customer EXACT change.
      I do believe this can be reported because you paid more than the bill stated.

      I use a DD drive through near me. A while back, I notice they never, ever gave me my one penny* in change back. I sent an email to management. A sign went up at the drive through, “If asked to pay more than the amount shown, please contact the manager.” It’s a bfd under the law.

      I will say, I have worked enough retail to see that many people do not take their coins. What’s up with that? If the clerk presses the point, the customer will often say, “keep it”. Really? hmm.

      *Yes, I know it’s just a penny. I also know that things like this can get outta control with other people randomly deciding not to give back quarters, etc, like you show here.

    4. Anon Here*

      Restaurant veteran here. She should not have done that and your reaction was appropriate.

      As others have pointed out, most servers are paid primarily or exclusively in tips. When I waited tables, my hourly $2 went to taxes and I lived on the tips.

      Many restaurants require servers to share a percentage of their tips with certain other workers – usually the busser, sometimes the dishwasher and sometimes other kitchen staff.

      Refusing to tip this person would have been fair, but it would be ideal if you could complain to the management about it and then ask about the other workers who are affected. “I couldn’t tip her because of this, but I want anyone who she would tip out to get paid. Can you guys cover that, considering the circumstances?”

      This scenario is, unfortunately, pretty common. She probably was intentionally skimming people’s change. It’s good that you caught it and that you did something about it.

  108. Violetta*

    So you were gonna have her hand you back the change, and then leave a tip? Why not just round the bill up to whatever you wanted to tip and tell her to hand you back $5 or $7 or whatever? Seems like a waste of time for everyone involved.

Comments are closed.