weekend free-for-all – May 2-3, 2020

by Alison Green on May 2, 2020

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: All We Ever Wanted Was Everything, by Janelle Brown. A mother and two daughters, all with secrets of their own, spend a summer grappling with family drama.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. cleaning services*

    People who having a cleaning service, are you still having them come right now? Are they taking enough precautions that you feel safe? Or is it an unnecessary risk? We’ve been having our cleaning person continue to come and hanging out outside while she’s here for her safety and ours but I’ve been questioning whether we should be doing it right now.

    1. Esme*

      We are not. We are fortunate that we are able to continue paying for the service instead of cancelling outright, but I’m just not comfortable allowing anyone else in our home, especially since they bring their own equipment. I don’t want to risk our safety or theirs. We leave the cash and a note outside for them and they pick it up during our usual time.

    2. OperaArt*

      I’m not having her clean right now, but I’m still paying her. I wouldn’t feel comfortable having her in my home right now even without the pretty strong shelter-in-place restrictions here in the San Francisco Bay area.
      On top of that, she does some caregiving for some quite elderly people, so I think she should stay away for their sake.

      1. Bex*

        I’m also in the SF Bay area and am doing the same thing. If they are in and out of multiple houses, there is just too much risk for me. It’s not worth it, but MAN do I miss them!

      2. Warm Weighty Wrists*

        Also CA, and same! I will be thrilled when our cleaner can come clean again, and my dog will be beside himself at seeing her again, but for right now I just pay her at the regular time not to come.

    3. Not A Manager*

      We pay our housekeeper, and we clean the house ourselves. Last week we had her come for the first time to clean the deck outside. We all wore masks and it was nice to see her at a distance.

      We don’t want to get sick, we don’t want to become asymptomatic carriers, and she has an elderly parent. It’s best that she doesn’t come into our home.

    4. Belgian*

      I am not. The company has decided to cancel on its own. I have been thinking of how I would handle it, as I think they’ll be starting up again soon, but I don’t really know. I live in a 1br apartment, with just a small outdoor space. Maybe I could sit outside if the weather is nice.

      1. Clisby*

        Same here. They’ve sent out an email saying they’re willing to start back up, which is fine with me – I’m going to call them on Monday. We didn’t pay for the canceled appointments, since we didn’t cancel them. We can isolate in our home office while they’re here, because we never let them clean in there. Too much computer equipment.

    5. Clementine*

      I had quit having a cleaner, but I didn’t realize having an outside cleaner was actually on the prohibited list until I saw a press release about lifting the restrictions in four phases. I was always very irregular before, so I have not kept on paying her, and as I used a service, she wasn’t even always my cleaner. When it is allowed, I think I will still not have a cleaner for a long time, because I would feel the need to re-clean every possible surface she might have touched.
      On a related note, I had to have a service person attend my apartment. I wasn’t thrilled about it, but I told the company in advance that I would leave the door open, and that I would be hanging out in the bathroom but available to talk. The service person was very nice about it. I was told he wore a mask and gloves, but as I was in the bathroom I didn’t see it. And he fixed the problem!

    6. Ann Onny Muss*

      I cancelled my service for the time being. I’m at higher risk of complications due to asthma. They’re at higher risk of infection due to their job. I’m hoping to have them come back in the next month or two, but want to see a larger decline in hospitalizations and deaths in my state/county/city, as well as more testing.

    7. Lizabeth*

      Mine comes once a month and I told her to keep coming if she feels comfortable doing so. A lot of her older clients have had her stop coming for the time being and a few are still paying her. We do the social distancing when she comes and she’s usually done in about an hour. I’m in a rural area that has about 12 cases so far in the county.

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I haven’t had her in and she wouldn’t let me keep paying her. (She occasionally tried to get me to not pay her when she did come clean in the past. She’s my housemate’s mom and I think, under normal circumstances, she just likes the excuse to come visit us. :-P )

    9. Rebecca*

      No, I put a stop to it, because she cleans for 3 other people as well, and she is a great person, BUT I don’t feel comfortable about her coming in the house, touching things, etc. as we don’t know who could be a carrier and people can be infected with the virus for days or weeks before they show symptoms. Mom arranged an every other week appt for 2 hours to do odd jobs, in the meantime, I vacuum, dust, do laundry, dishes, etc. on an ongoing basis, we use separate bathrooms (I’m on the upper floor), and there is no foot traffic in the house except us. The cats account for most of the vacuuming needs. I think it’s a bad idea to have someone come in for a non-life sustaining activity right now.

    10. The Cosmic Avenger*

      It feels like an unnecessary risk to us. Having anyone in your house who doesn’t live there defeats the purpose of stay-at-home orders. I’m also avoiding going into stores and restaurants as much as humanly possible, opting for curbside pickup or delivery only.

      Our concern is that our housecleaner probably still goes to multiple other houses, and to have her inside the house for a few hours, being extremely active with corresponding breathing and sweating, is more than just casual exposure. We would need to have the house empty for 3-5 hours before and after in order to feel comfortable based on the research on aerosolization, and that’s just not practical. She also has two adult children living with her, and from what we have heard from her, they are not the most responsible and may be a much greater risk to her than her clients, so we consider her an extremely high risk.

      We have been paying her for when she would have cleaned, in advance for each month we’re skipping.

    11. Redkitty*

      I haven’t been having mine come in, but she refuses to let me pay unless she comes in (I have tried!) She is wearing mask and gloves when she cleans, and so I think I’m going to start letting her come clean (except our basement, so my family has a place to go while she’s here without having to leave). None of us in my family are particularly high risk, and we are in a part of the country that is more rural and hasn’t had high known case numbers. It’s a catch 22 because she cleans for a number of families, I know she needs the money (she’s come in once a week for me for the last 11 years so we’ve gotten to know each other), she feels it’s immoral to take the money if she isn’t working for it; and I feel terrible not paying her since I know she needs to be working, and I’m essential and still working so I can. So we will take our chances.

      1. Be the Change*

        I asked my person if she would like to be paid or if I should donate to the food bank and she said donate. So I do it in her name.

        I…um… do a better job actually.

        1. pancakes*

          Asking someone whether they’d like to be paid is a pretty loaded question! Donations are great but not in lieu of pay. If you wouldn’t normally ask someone in your employ whether they’d like to donate their salary, I don’t know why you’d ask now.

      2. TooTiredToThink*

        Don’t know if you’ll see this, but have you tried using the “If you were were working for a company for 11 years, you would have gotten x amount of vacation time and this is just you getting that vacation time now?” type approach, maybe? That might help. Maybe.

    12. Leah K*

      I used to have a lady come every other week, and we stopped the service for now. It sucks, because now we make a lot more mess with two adults and two kids hanging out around the house 24/7, but I didn’t want to risk it. My state has recently relaxed some of the restrictions, so I am waiting a couple more weeks to see if we start getting a second spike in cases before I decide if I want her to start coming again.

    13. Job Carousel*

      No, for a variety of reasons. Right before this happened, I had decided to try out a different cleaning service due to some issues I’ve been having with my current cleaner (a woman who does cleaning work on the side from her two other jobs, who at that point had been cleaning my home once a month for about 3-4 months). Basically, with her evolving job situation, she was only available to clean my home one specific Sunday a month (often a very inconvenient day for me), and she would take 4-5 hours to clean my small apartment (1 bed, 1 bath), whereas the cleaning service I had before her would finish in about 2 hours. She also had the tendency to chit chat a lot which made me feel I couldn’t be productive at home during the cleaning (Sunday is usually my food prep day at home). To be honest, continuing to pay her without having her keep cleaning never crossed my mind as I was about to try a different person/service anyway. After this happened, my plans of trying a new person/service have gone on hold. I personally detest cleaning, and I’ve spent a few hours here and there doing maintenance cleans, but my home is badly in need of a professional clean again.

    14. enginuity*

      Our service is not doing residential cleanings due to the state order. I offered to continue paying them because they are a small local business and they said the money will go directly to our usual team, which is great and luckily something we can afford to do.

      Since we still want to have a clean place, my partner and I wrote down all the rooms as rolled a dice to decide who had to clean what. His idea – I never would have thought of it – but it actually worked out to be pretty fair!

    15. fposte*

      Nope. Against the state order; they’re not an essential business. I’ve been sending them pay to cover. We might make it work in June with me doing the hanging out outside thing.

    16. Everdene*

      No. But we are still continuing to pay her. I really, really miss having her come in and our house is currently so messy and grubby because there is no outside shame to clean it. I probably should be cleaning now instead of reading AAM!

    17. Thankful for AAM*

      We are still having them come. They wear masks and we take the dog and leave when they are here. I actually dont know if they are allowed in our state right now.

    18. Jen Erik*

      I have someone for a morning each fortnight, but I think it would be breaking UK guidelines if she came, so there wasn’t really a decision to be made. We are paying her each month, but she always phones after and is grateful, so I slightly suspect not everyone is.
      Also, I can’t imagine how tricky it would be to clean through at this point: we’ve seven in the household, so you’d be tripping over people all the time. I’ve resigned myself to living with a fair degree of untidiness, and looking forward to a belated spring clean at whatever point normal-ish life resumes.

      1. Historic Hamlet Dweller*

        Likewise – I suspect we’re in the minority who are paying.

        Sadly it turns out that two of us, working from home full time makes a whole lot more mess than when we were basically here to cook, flake out in front of the TV and sleep. We’re both also working more, and stranger, hours so housework is just not happening

        Genuinely cannot wait for our belated spring clean

    19. Imtheone*

      We stopped our cleaner when the stay-at-home orders were enacted, but we are still paying her. She recently contacted me because she was out of money. She shares her home with several adult children and a grandchild, but all of them are out of work and unemployment hasn’t kicked in. I asked her to come clean the porch furniture, which took about 1/3 her normal time, but paid her for it as an extra day of work.

      Cleaning the house takes me about twice as long, and eats up my free time, as I am still working from home. I miss the service, and hope I will feel comfortable having her back later in the summer. Hard to say, though.

    20. CupcakeCounter*

      The company I use is also certified for biohazard cleaning so they are only using the crew and equipment that meet those standards. We’ve had them in twice since this all started because may husband works in an essential industry and can’t WFH. They are only offering sanitize services so no widows or stuff like that.

    21. Anon for this*

      I would have him come, because I am not really physically capable of doing much, but I left it up to him and we are waiting and will reassess when my state reopens.

    22. Bibliovore*

      We asked ours to stop coming about 7 weeks ago. We kept paying them (two people) because I continue to be paid. They have recently gone on unemployment.

    23. Bluebell*

      Still paying our every other week cleaners by mail, but they haven’t been here since early March. We feel fortunate we can afford it, and it is the right thing for our family right now.

    24. An Actual Fennec Fox*

      Mine comes only once a month, and twice a month (same person) at my mom’s. We’re not having her come anymore until this ends, but we’re both still paying her regularly as this is her main income. We’re making do by keeping the essentials (floors, kitchen and bathroom) clean and not bothering too much if a little dust is here or there.

      1. Anon cleaning hater*

        I may need to adapt your strategy, I like it. I’ll just forget trying to do things up to my cleaning lady’s speed and standard.

        1. An Actual Fennec Fox*

          I suggest you do! Right now, I’m running on ‘is this essential?’ mode. So I keep the most important areas clean, shoes outside, and focus my energy on making sure I’ll be alive when this is over. (Keeping shoes outside the house and wearing them if I need to go anywhere outside the front door, even if just to take out the trash, has helped keeping the house clean too!)

    25. ASW*

      We normally have them come once a month and they cancelled during April because they had too many employees out due to childcare issues. Our state says they’re essential, so they didn’t have to close, but they chose to. They are reopening on Monday and will be coming the week after that. I had to start going back to the office yesterday, so I won’t even be here. There will likely be at least 2-3 hours between the time they leave and the time I get home anyway. I am high-risk because of my asthma, but I feel like I’m more at risk of getting sick from going to the office than I am from having a couple people come in my house once a month.

    26. louise*

      We’ve been paying ours and calling it paid time off…she was uncomfortable getting paid at first but we don’t anticipate an income disruption so we owe it others to keep the economy going. I can’t fix all the economic injustice in the world, but I can do this one tiny thing. The worst part, as others have said, is I miss having the cleaning done! I tried telling myself “you paid for this to be cleaned, you better do it up to her level,” ha!

      Now I’m not sure when/how to reintegrate her. She has a child with serious health problems so she was taking precautions long before others in our (very red, semi-rural, very libertarian) area were. I want her to feel safe while at our house.

    27. Anon cleaning hater*

      I got temporarily laid off, so financially, I can’t afford her right now. We’re supposed to be called back to work in a few weeks (fingers crossed) so once I am paid again, I’ll probably ask her to come and I’ll leave my place when she comes in, as long as she’s healthy and comfortable coming in. I keep in touch with her via txt. I wish I could pay her regardless whether she works or not, but what the money I receive when laid off is definitely not enough to pay a cleaner. I despise cleaning with a very fierce passion. When I do it myself, I do a good job, but it ends up taking me 7hrs for a 1bd condo with a den and I hate every single minute of it wiht a lot of anger. She is such a kind soul that she offered to come and clean my place for free, but I of course politely declined.

    28. Ann O.*

      I have not, although that is partially because I was unhappy with the quality of service and looking to find a new cleaning company or sole provider. I do not continue to pay because I’ve lost most of my own work and because I didn’t have a personal cleaner. It was almost always someone different sent to clean.

      I am contemplating looking for a replacement cleaner soon, assuming household income permits (we’re currently fine on my spouse’s income, but that may change if we have to commute to worksites again or are able to have some kind of paid recreational activities). Based on my understanding of the virus’s transmission, it should be negligible risk if the cleaner wears a mask and low risk even if the cleaner doesn’t (because we can open windows and run the fans to move the air). It’s not that hard to keep up with the house on my own now that I’m barely working, but I’m not a great cleaner. I’ve had amazing cleaners in the house, who just make the house sparkle in a way that I never can.

    29. Ted Mosby*

      Personal cleaning services are very obviously not necessary. It blows my mind that so many people are grappling with this. Someone moving from house to house to house is risky, even if they’re being careful (and given that they might feel you’re putting their lives in danger to avoid scrubbing your own floor, they might not feel super incentivized to bend over backwards to keep you safe). You might feel safe having someone in your home, but there are people who will suffer immensely or die if they get Covid.

      1. Big Bird*

        Those of us who have had the same cleaners for years and have developed relationships with them are, rightly, conflicted. We have had the same cleaners since 1994 and I have total confidence in them, but they live in a town which is the most hard-hit in our entire state. We are continuing to pay them but have asked them not to come for the foreseeable future. If we had a relationship with a business rather than two people that we care about, it would be an easier decision.

    30. Carlottamousses*

      We are not having ours come over either, but we continue to make payments via Venmo.

    31. Mama Bear*

      We are not. Her spouse has health concerns. She was not comfortable coming after the news about COVID-19 broke and asked for a break. Even if the restrictions weren’t in place, I don’t want to replace her so we will just wait and see if her spouse’s health allows her to resume working later. We are not having anybody in the house if we can help it. Necessary repairs only.

  2. Foot peel?*

    Hi. I tried baby foot about a month ago and it did very little for me. My feet are back to being callused, dry, rough. Does anyone have any recommendations for another food peel that worked for you? And the results lasted for at least 2 months? Thanks.

    1. Angela*

      I bought a kit off of Amazon about 8 weeks or so ago. It worked well. I am just starting to notice my heels are getting rough & calloused but I have not been taking care of my feet like I should.
      The one I got was off of Amazon for $16 but it was for 2 Sets (4 individual “shoes”). It was called “My Foot Foot Peel Mask Exfoliating Foot Treatment with Olive Leaf”. There are lots of other options but I had success with this & the price was right.

    2. HQB*

      I don’t use peels but I apply aloe vera gel to my feet after I shower and it helps keep them soft. A few times a month I use a foot file as well (after a shower, before the aloe vera).

    3. Dancing Otter*

      Can’t speak to a particular product, but slathering your feet with moisturizer before bedtime every night, and covering with old socks, helps. (The socks keep it from rubbing off.) Doing it once in a while when you remember, not so much.

      1. Daisy Avalin*

        This!! I use plain cocoa butter, and you really really have to do it every night without exception!
        I do it after a shower as well, a very thin layer rubbed in well, and then thicker layer under socks for bed. I do use a foot file to ‘tidy’ any rough bits before moisturising, and that seems to be enough.

      3. StellaBella*

        Agree with this. I wash my feet and slather with cocoa butter lotion and put on socks before bed. Also once every couple of weeks I make a hot foot soak with hot nettle tea and after rub olive oil into my feet and put on socks. I also use a bit of olive oil for my scalp and skin after a shower

      5. Anono-me*

        I do the socks overnight with stuff called Corona Cream (Unfortunate name right now but it works really well for many skin related issues.).

        I also occasionally soak my feet in a mixture guestimated equal part of hot water, Listerine, and vinegar. (Pintrest Recipe)

    4. Intermittent Introvert*

      I get spectacular callouses. So, I file every day after showering with a Body Shoppe file for a minute or two. Then use super creamy lotion. Keeps things at bay between pedicures.

    5. Ann Onny Muss*

      I gave tried Baby Foot, but have had success using the generic version of Eucerine Soothing Repair Creme. I use it after I shower.

    7. Christy*

      I have just started using aquaphor ointment on my feet (apply, put on socks, sleep) and it’s amazingly effective.

      1. Anon-a-souras*

        There’s a foot cream called O’Keefes for Healthy Feet that I combine with socks with interior gel pads. If I do pediegg file A few times a year and then use them at least once a week my feet stay in pretty good shape. I can’t remember what the socks are called- they are blue – pretty sure I read about both in The Strategist.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I tried that and it didn’t do anything for me. Baby Foot does and I love it, but it’s $25 a whack and I can’t do that right now.

          I’m wary of other foot peel brands. I tried a cheaper Tony Moly one once and it made my ankles itch so badly I wanted to cut my feet off. Wasn’t as effective, either.

    9. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I’m glad you posted this. I have had rough calloused feet lately as well. lots of great suggestions.

    10. Foot peel OP*

      Thanks for the suggestions. I HATE wearing socks to bed. Or at home in general. Or just plain anti-sock.
      Read an article recently on how due to stay at home orders people are wearing socks and shoes less and it causing dry feet issues

      1. Nessun*

        Following this for people’s suggestions but have to agree – I despise wearing socks to bed! May not have a choice though, the way my feet are doing…

      2. Damn it, Hardison!*

        My people! I hate socks so very, very much, but my feet are as dry as the desert. I bought some very thin cotton socks from Amazon and wear them with lotion for just a couple of hours at night before I go to bed. Lately I’ve been using O’Keeffe’s Healthy Feet Exfoliating Lotion And Night Lotion on alternating nights. I had better luck with Kokostar Foot Therapy mask than Baby Foot. Also, it really does work better if you soak your feet before putting on the mask, leaving it on for at least an hour, and then soaking every night until your feet are doing peeling. For spot testing calluses, I like Callus Remover extra strength by Lee Beauty, which you can get on Amazon.

      3. Christy*

        Same! I hate socks. I have no-show socks, like you wear with flats, and those are actually tolerable for me. They don’t cover the top of the foot at all. The ones I have are a past version but I’ll follow with a link to show what I mean.

        2. AnonEMoose*

          I don’t mind socks, but am not fond of shoes…really, I prefer barefoot whenever possible. Socks are just the next best thing when it’s too cold for bare feet.

    11. Bluebell*

      I like heel genius by Soap and Glory. I’ve also just used plain Vaseline with socks and that has been very effective. Neither is exactly a foot peel though.

    12. Dolly Dagger*

      did you soak your feet before and once a day for a few days after the peel? that helps a ton.

      peels every 2 months with a lotion containing 40% urea are the only thing that helps my sad feet.

    13. Bluebell*

      The Strategist is recommending one by Patchology. Apparently it’s not as quick and intense as Baby Foot but works well.

    14. Batgirl*

      I started using a homemade scrub daily in the shower made of coconut oil and dead sea salt creamed together because someone told me it would help my psoriasis. Not only did it clear that up but my formerly rough feet are always very soft and smooth now, even though I don’t apply directly to the feet. (Be very careful though because it can get slippy. Stand on a grip mat and soap away the oil as soon as you’ve scrubbed)

    15. Old person*

      I am a recent convert to Dr. Dre on YouTube and Facebook. She recently had had a Facebook post about this. It’s easy to go to her Facebook page and look for her post on foot calluses, I think she posted about it within this last week. She is a dermatologist based in Houston.

    16. Lalitah28*

      If you are not allergic to aspirin, you can try Kerasal or any product that has the active ingredient, salicylic acid and urea (https://www.drugs.com/mtm/kerasal.html) to get the same effect. Note: that diabetes in some people manifests as really dry skin, along with other symptoms, so keep that in mind.

      I personally use Kerasal and Thursday’s plantation Tea Tree Antiseptic lotion with socks at night and that seems to do the trick. I also supplement with the Amlactin lotion.

      However, you must get into the habit of soaking your feet and using a pumice stone to prevent the cracked heel buildup. For those with diabetes, there are more considerations (https://www.diabetes.org/diabetes/complications/foot-complications) but you can use a pumice stone on the soles of your feet a couple of times a week in the shower to reduce this problem.

  3. NL*

    Has anyone tried tinting their own eyebrows and lashes at home? The quarantine has me ready to try it (I bought 1000 Hour last and brow tint) but I’m nervous.

    1. BeeJiddy*

      I’ve never done my lashes because they are jet black already, but I’ve tinted my eyebrows using that exact kit and it works really well. I would say it lasts a few weeks, and fades gradually. I haven’t experienced any staining of my skin which I’m very happy about. I also haven’t gotten any weird reactions but my skin isn’t sensitive at all so I wouldn’t expect to anyway. My only complaint is that mixing the stuff up is kind of annoying, the two different components don’t like to come together so it’s a bit of a mission, haha. And after you open the containers of each component you can tell they start to degrade a little over time, so the mixing issue gets a little worse every application.

      I’m going from a dark brown to slightly darker brown, and I leave it on for about 10 minutes. For your first time you may want to take it off a bit earlier, lest you end up in a Groucho Marx situation.

    2. Worked in IT forever*

      If you’re nervous, maybe you could try an eyebrow gel for your eyebrows? I use MAC eyebrow gel. I have to apply it every day, but it’s quick to do (faster than applying mascara). It adds definition and covers my few grey hairs. I know that they’ve recently reformulated the gel yet again, though, and I haven’t tried the new formula yet. The last two versions of their gel worked well for me, though, so I’ll try the new version when my stockpile of the previous version runs out.

      I did have my eyebrows professionally tinted a few times, but I got a better colour by using the MAC gel (they had multiple shades of brown). The esthetician had only a few colours, and I ended up with an eyebrow colour that wasn’t a super match for my hair colour.

    3. Fisherwoman*

      I do my brows at home every week/two weeks and have done for years. No major disasters once I got the shade and timing right, and even that only took the first try or two. If they go too dark they’ll fade out in no time (dish soap and warm water will also help) – quarantine might be the perfect time to try?

    4. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      I di my eyebrows once a month, with a mirror and paper towels to clean the mess. But in my case I don’t need tinting, just a heavy trim because they grow all over the place. I was considering threading before everything halted, but in the meantime I’ll stick to the tweezers.

    5. Courageous cat*

      I do Just for Men in Medium Brown every couple of weeks on my eyelashes. It’s super easy and I use a q tip to apply it. When in doubt, choose a lighter shade for a shorter period of time – it’s easy to go way too dark with that stuff. I keep it on for about four minutes then use a wet paper towel to wipe off.

    6. Old person*

      I use that kit with no problems. It’s kind of awkward at first but it gets easier.

  4. Ugh*

    Well, my weekend’s off to a good start. I’ve locked myself in my room because my roommate is drunk, trying to force me to drink, and taking about he holes he never has to beat me up like everyone else he’s had to beat up. Hoping I don’t end up in a fight if I leave to use the restroom or get dinner. And I can’t just leave the situation, because of shelter in place.

    1. Clementine*

      Even in places with the strictest quarantine, you are allowed to escape domestic violence! I’m sure there are hotlines you can call. Do you need help finding one? (Or phone 911.) I am so sorry you are in this position, because I know it’s still extremely difficult to get out.

      1. Ugh*

        Thing is, he hasn’t actually threatened me. He’s drunk and ranting, and constantly shifting between rags and friendliness. It’s terrifying, and he said he hopes he never has to beat me up, but he said it in the tone of “I hope we can always get along”, and wasn’t phrased as a threat. Issue is, we’re not friends, he routinely forces me into scary conversations, and he says a lot of offensive things. And I feel like if I object and clue him into the fact I don’t like him or feel comfortable around him, then he will get violent (that’s exactly how my stepdad was). But, like, landlord can’t do anything, and even if I were the kind of person to deal with cops, I can’t see what they can do, except get him nice and antagonized for after they leave.

        1. Clementine*

          You feel threatened, and his behavior is threatening. Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to a domestic violence hotline and discuss options so you don’t have to live in fear. Domestic violence doesn’t have to be a man beating up his female partner–there are lots of other variations possible.

          1. Ugh*

            Yea, that’s true. Psychogically, it’s hard to think of myself as a DV victim, because I’m a big, tattooed biker who listens to metal. I don’t feel like I fit the logical image of a DV victim, even though I was one as a kid. Logically, I know I’ve been a victim before and can be again, and as a transwoman, I know I’m at high risk for violence, but somehow it’s hard to accept I’m a victim because that doesn’t happen to big, tattoed people on motorcycles. Even though it does.

        2. Zhenja*

          I hope I never have to beat you up is a threat no matter how it is phrased. Trust your instincts. If you feel like you would be in danger if you let him know what you are thinking then you probably are in danger. I agree that you should call a domestic violence hot line and talk through your options with them. They might be able to help you decide if you need to take action and, if so, how to go about it. Even though he is just a roommate, being trapped together puts a very different dynamic on your relationship. Trust yourself and take care of yourself.

          1. Ugh*

            Yea, I do need to do something. I’m trying to get my rrecently deceased father’s apartment, but if I don’t, I need to find something. He went and got stoned and called his friend to screw around, so right now I’m okay, but I felt like I had to lock myself in my room. I really don’t want to call a DV hotline (that’s almost scarier than being hit), and it’s really hard for me to see a big, tattoed biker as a DV victim (even though I’m a survivor of childhood abuse and should know better), but I locked myself in my room tonight, and it isn’t okay.

            1. Not A Manager*

              Can we stop leaning into the big tattooed biker thing for a moment here? I can see that it’s very important to you, but you need to take some steps to protect yourself. You’re allowed to do that no matter what you look like.

              Shelter in place is an important epidemiological tool, but it’s not an actual prison. Is there anyplace you can go? My understanding is that the very most conservative step would be to self-quarantine for 14 days in any new location, before joining the existing community within the home. Does anyone have a basement or a guest room they can offer you for two weeks? Could you afford a motel for two weeks?

              Why is it so scary to call a DV hotline? Are you concerned that they would shame you or not take you seriously? I’m sure you know your own situation better than I do, but a brief google search shows a number of organizations that claim to serve the trans community with regard to domestic violence. If you would like me to post some links please let me know and I will do that.

              You absolutely deserve to feel safe in your own home. Please don’t talk yourself out of that basic right.

              1. Not So NewReader*

                Lots of people have difficulty with asking for help, regardless of the type of help that is needed.
                One problem is that it messes with our image of ourselves as we like to be self-sufficient and we like to think of ourselves as self-sufficient.

                OP, I want to share something with you that my aunt said when my husband passed. It’s applicable to more than one type of situation. I think it fits your setting.

                [Please picture a 70 something y/o woman who had lost her husband, adult child, and son-in-law. She had survived two bouts of cancer. Please picture this person speaking right here:]

                She said, “You NEED help. Now is NOT the time to be proud or strong or whatever word you can come up with. The situation you are in is too big for any ONE person to face alone. You need other people looking at this situation with you, that is how you will get out of this bad spot. You can pay it back or pay it forward LATER. Get your own self on solid ground first THEN think about giving back the help you received.”

              2. willow for now*

                Agree – the DV is “new” to you, but not to the DV counselor. That’s what they do. If you don’t want to tell anyone else what is happening with the DV, you don’t have to – the counselor will not take out a billboard with your picture on it. You can keep it as private as you want/need. Just get some help, please.

              3. Ugh*

                The scary part of calling a DV line is that of actually telling some sort of social services that, like, there actually is a safety problem here. I feel guilty about not telling my landlord about all the problems (especially the angry wall punching and frequent use of ableistic and misogynistic slurs, and how he just ignores me if I do try to ask him not to do something), and it feels like if I do get my dad’s apartment I’ll just drop this on my landlord as I leave, but on the other hand, what could my landlord do? He can’t evict my roommate just because I said he does jerk things, and the very act of me telling the landlord would be massively antagonizing him. So there’s damage and mess to the apartment because I’ve been too much of a coward to actually address his behaviors, which could well come out of my security deposit and effect future landlord references because I can’t prove I didn’t mess up the stove or punch the hallway walls, and I’m almost wishing I could just keep ignoring it, even if I can’t. Even if I did last night, because he got high and calmed down and I felt like the problem had passed and didn’t call the DV line, even though I needed to, because it just feels like crossing a line.

                1. pancakes*

                  I just want to point out that you changed the subject from calling a DV hotline to telling your landlord. One step at a time, and no one is suggesting that you ask your landlord to intervene in some way! I get that calling a hotline feels like a big line to cross, but it terms of practical steps it isn’t necessarily. If they advise you to do things that don’t seem helpful, or realistic, or aren’t doable right now, you don’t have to do anything at all. All that will have happened in terms of irreversible action is that you’ll have had a conversation with someone who is supposed to be trained to be thoughtful and supportive.

            2. Almost graduated*

              What if your just calling the hotline for information gathering? They are the experts and they can help tell you want type of situation your in, not some random people on the internet. And they can also give you more specific advice to your situation

            3. A New Normal*

              Can I give a slightly different perspective? You’re not a victim, you’re someone dealing with an a-hole who needs to know what options are available to them during this very weird time. Without the quarantine you know you could just walk away but with it things get complicated. So reach out to those who have answers.

              I’m a childhood abuse survivor and I really don’t like the word ‘victim’ even if it fully applies so that’s why I stick with ‘survivor’ or ‘my father is an awful person’ and such. But that’s the word various place use and if we don’t avail ourselves of the best resources just because of the names then that kinda does make us victims of our own mental jerks who tell us what we can and can’t do. If that makes sense.

              So reach out to the best resources, whatever they call themselves, and get yourself someplace where you don’t have to be afraid again. You deserve that!

              1. Batgirl*

                Yes, ‘victims’ are not a variety of extremely weak people, especially in a domestic setting. You could be a ninja, but if you have to go to sleep in the same house as an unstable person then you are not safe. If you have to be constantly in badass ready defense mode, then no matter what you bench, the place is not home; move out.

            4. Traffic_Spiral*

              You need to move out of the “can’t” mentality into the “won’t” mentality. Even if you could easily beat your roommate up, why would you want to? He lives in your house! Like hell you’re getting into a brawl in your own damn house. This jackass can learn to live peaceably or you’re leaving/calling the cops.

              I remember once watching this smaller guy try and start an argument with a bigger guy (who I knew was actually a good fighter) at this outdoor festival, and the big guy just sort waved down a cop and was like “can you handle this? Cheers.” He then walked back to the table while the cops talked down the drunk guy and firmly escorted him away. Being much younger then, I asked him why he didn’t just handle it himself, and he said “I’m here to relax and have a drink, not fight a pisshead. Let the cops earn their salary, I pay taxes, don’t I?”

              You’re not going to fight your roommate for the same reason you won’t mudwrestle him in your living room – that’s not behavior you tolerate in your house.

        3. Batgirl*

          Violent people often do the Jekyll and Hyde thing. It’s a confirmation of your instinct, not evidence to the contrary. You’re allowed to leave. Is there somewhere to go?

    2. LGC*

      So, yeah, I agree with everyone else that this is probably an unsafe situation. (It seems like you’re a bit uncertain about calling it domestic violence, so I won’t.) And shelter-in-place situations don’t necessarily mean you have to stay in situations that are more unsafe than leaving your residence – which this sounds like it is.

      Is there anywhere you can stay at least temporarily, like a friend’s house or a trans-friendly shelter? It seems like you’re a bit wary of calling a DV hotline, so although I agree that it applies here that probably isn’t the step for you.

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      No advice here, just moral support. I hope you can find a path to living with someone less volatile. Or that your roommate finds a path to living elsewhere.

    4. Anono-me*

      I think that since you are a big scary tattooed biker, it might actually be beneficial for you to call domestic violence helpline for advice and also you should be recording on your phone when your roommate is ranting and banging around. If this escalates to the point where your neighbors called authorities, you may have an uphill battle convincing them that you, the big scary tattooed biker, are NOT the aggressor.

      Additionally, almost all domestic violence websites have information specifically on “How to most safely deal with a person in your home / life who feels it’s okay to threaten and/or hurt you.” I go to fashionista websites to find out what the next hot colors are when trying to decide on a paint color for my living room. You can go to websites to find information that will be useful to you, even if the situation is different than what the website host envisioned. You will not be taking away any resources or causing anyone in a DV situation to be denied a seat at the table by viewing a website. (I’m not saying you don’t deserve more resources than a website to feel and be safe, just deferring to your definition of the situation.)

      1. Ugh*

        Unfortunately, recording my roommate would be a very bad idea. I live in a two party consent state where your own home is very explicitly somewhere with an expectation of privacy, so it would be illegal to record him without his express consent.

        1. Anono-me*

          I’m sorry, that was bad advice about recording. Thank you for correctingit.

          I do I hope you figure out a way to feel and be safer.

        2. Reliquary*

          Here in the largest city of my two-party consent state, anyone who is suffering from DV can call this hotline and get assistance including a free hotel room.
          877-863-6338

          Your thinking right now about future possibilities is preventing you from keeping yourself safe in the NOW. If you link up with some external help, they will also help you deal with your landlord and the damages to your current place.

          Please consider calling your local DV hotline and asking exactly what services might be available to you. Most DV folks are trained well, and know that transfolx are at higher risk.

          There may be another option as well. If your community has a local Queer Exchange on Facebook, please post and ask for help. Your community is ready to help you. You’re family. <3

  5. Cabbagepants*

    I began planting my vegetable and flower garden this week! I have some old favorites (marigolds, tomatoes) and some exciting new kinds (heirloom melons!), too. I can’t wait to see them grow!

    1. Sparkly Librarian*

      Exciting! My seeds finally arrived (delayed almost a month due to COVID-19) so this weekend I expect to be planting a bunch. The zucchini I already started are doing quite well — 6 plants germinated from the 14 of last year’s seeds. I anticipate a harvesttime full of socially-distant zucchini delivery. What’s that verb?

    2. musician*

      That’s so exciting! I’m getting my plants next weekend. My favorite farmers market vendor decided to sell plants in lieu of the market being open, and was able to set up an online order form and secure the parking lot of a business that’s closed for now, which is where they’ll have the pickup location. They sent instructions to pay via venmo beforehand, drive in and pop the trunk, and they’ll load up the order. I’m super impressed with how quickly they were able to set it up, and I can’t wait to start planting everything!

    3. RoseDark*

      Yay plants! I started a small herb garden that should eventually end up on my balcony. Seeds arrived Thursday, just in time for Beltane planting! I have basil, parsley, thyme, and coriander. One of my partners has promised me sage and rosemary cuttings from their co-op garden whenever I’m able to pick those up, so I’ll have the start of a lovely witch’s garden if my thumb is even barely green.

    4. MistOrMister*

      I wish i was planting! I set up a seed starter kit 2 weeks ago and all I have coming up are radish and cat grass. The tomatoes, cantloupe, catnip and whatever else I threw in refuse to come out. Makes me sad b/c I wasnr able to find whole plants in the store so I guess I might not have a garden this year. Or else all I’ll have to show are radishes!!

      Has anyone tried growing mushrooms? I heard you can cut the stems/root part off ones you get from the store and plant them and they’ll grow. Havent tried it yet. I’m also trying to start cabbage and lettuce by placing the root chunk in water for a couple of weeks. But then the leaves start to rot, so even though they do send,up shoots, I must be doing something wrong.

      1. pancakes*

        For mushrooms you need a growing medium that’s been inoculated with spores. I just had a very successful experience growing blue oyster mushrooms out a grow bag from a company in my city called smallhold. I’ve also seen grow kits for sale from a company in Maine called North Spore Mushrooms, and they have a lot of information on their site about the growing process, including videos they’ve made.

        Maybe your lettuce and cabbage are in too much water? The leaves shouldn’t be wet, just the base where you want roots to start developing. When trying to start plants from cuttings you don’t want to have any leaves below the waterline.

    5. Retail not Retail*

      We got half our spring order this week and I was part of planting yesterday in that I surrounded the new babies with red pine bark nuggets and watered them.

      It’s been a year and I’m still like Donkey in the first Shrek sent to get flowers with this thorn and this petal. I’m not colorblind, I’m just like… white flowers white flowers oh crap the boss which white flowers?

      I’m a bit bummed to see our winter stuff leave to be honest. The pansies and violas are still so bright! And the squirrels and ducks only destroyed our centerpieces in pots. I mean you put in purple cabbage, what can you expect?

    6. WellRed*

      After my basil and chives sprouted, they have done nothing else. The basil seems to have shrunk back into the soil and the chives are lying flat. Not sure what I did or didn’t do, but am discouraged by this herb fail.

      1. Oxford Comma*

        If you can get your hands on fresh basil, you can stick it in a glass/jar with water and it will eventually grow roots.

      2. RoseDark*

        Sounds like a job for plant food? Just a stab in the dark; I’m no expert.

    7. Venus*

      I am starting to harden my tomatoes and peppers outside. Hopefully I will be able to plant them next weekend, if the weather cooperates! It’s still too cold at night to leave them out.

    8. StellaBella*

      I have planted zucchini, melons, potatoes, marigolds, basil, cat grass, gladiolus, radishes, and poppies all in containers and on a palette I found, on my balcony. Potatoes will be ready in two weeks or so as I stuck them in soil in January. I have a small balcony, about 3feet by 4feet. I love container gardening!

    9. Bluebell*

      I’m thinking of planting the many packets of flower seeds I have from past years, just to see what might happen.

      1. pancakes*

        A lot of the seeds I sowed this year were fairly old, from 2016, and I’ve been surprised by how well they’ve done. I sowed two kinds of tomatoes, Roma and Principe Borghese, and most of both have come up and are doing very well, and German thyme also from 2016, and that’s doing very well too. The marigolds seem to be duds, not one of those came up, but the zinnias I think are also from 2016 or so, ‘Cactus’ zinnias, and they’re growing like mad.

    10. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I managed to murder my zucchini seedlings so I’m going to have to plant a new set. I have several other plants that are way past time to plant into a bigger pot but it’s too cold outside and I don’t want to kill them like I did the zucchini so I’m not sure what to do. Hopefully it will be warmer next week.

  6. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    For the record, this thread is not limited to fiction, any writing goes.
    In between working on something that shan’t be discussed in this thread I’ve had a little time to work on one of my fiction projects. It’s going pretty well.

    1. DuckDuck*

      My personal writing is going well, I am doing a diary project writing snapshots of key memories from my life so I have it when I get old.

      My attempts at writing for work, not so well. I am dispirited by two things – one that fiction makes so little on Amazon. If you’re lucky you might make 2k a year out of it for what is a lot of work. I think 2k is a lot of money to me generally speaking but not for that amount of work. When I have written for buyers it took me all week to write something worth $200. I live in a place with one of the world’s highest minimum wages so it’s hard to feel motivated to write for so little.

      Second, that if you want to make money or get read you need to follow basically a template. You can’t write what one person called a ‘fairy floss hamburger.’ No one wants a fairy floss hamburger, they want a hamburger with meat like they recognise.

      So, I am not sure what I want to do with my attempts at professional writing. I’m not sure it is worth the investment of time and energy to write something I’m not that keen on for what is a small amount of money. I may just write and publish for fun.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        There’s nothing wrong with doing it for fun, not at all. I know someone who only writes for herself; very rarely does anyone else ever see it. I think me and her husband are the only two people who’ve read it (and she’s not bad). She just doesn’t want to deal with any of the other stuff and that’s okay.

        1. AnonEMoose*

          I’ve written a few poems I actually like. And the few people who’ve seen them have liked them. But I’m not sure I’ll ever do anything more with them…given my relative privileged status in our culture, I’m not sure I have anything to say that hasn’t been said a million times before. But if I’m just writing for me, then that doesn’t really matter, because it’s just for me.

          I feel like I should be thinking about a gaming scenario for a convention next year…but it’s hard to get motivated, not knowing whether large events will be allowed – or safe – by then.

    2. Daisy Avalin*

      I really need to get on with my HP fanfic, but the Muse is non-existent, and has been for several years now!! It’s really annoying, because I can’t continue till I fix this one little bit (as it will become a bigger part (or maybe not, I haven’t decided)!) but I just have no ideas!
      Think, if I can get on the computer around Child’s studies, I may just stick a placeholder symbol in place of the non-idea, and then write on as if I’d solved it, and hope that at some point my brain/fingers just fill in the right thing for me!

    3. nep*

      I actually did a guest post on the website of an organisation I very much respect and admire. Felt great to do some writing. I have hated so much of what I’ve written over time, that I rarely write anything anymore. So I was quite happy for that opportunity. (They liked an idea I had for a piece and asked me to go with it and write a guest post.)

    4. Princess Zelda*

      Finalized the script and recorded this month’s episode of my podcast; I was exhausted by the end of Thursday night but it was worth it! Now I need to figure out how to ease myself through my May research. April was *hard* and time seemed to warp, but it’s a new month and a new start.

        1. Princess Zelda*

          It’s a history podcast about American first ladies; I just recently started, so this was only the second proper episode. I’m currently hosting on SoundCloud, since it was fairly straightforward to set up. I’ve actually done most of the research for my next episode, but actually writing the script is not going super well. My brain just keeps going “words? I don’t believe in them.” I started right before the plague and committed to one episode a month, and thankfully that still seems like a workable goal.

          1. nep*

            Super interesting.
            (brain: ‘words? I don’t believe in them.’–love this.)
            All the best.

          2. Fikly*

            That sounds so interesting!

            I recently learned amazing things about Calvin Coolidge (apparently he would ring the bell to call his staff/security and then hide behind the curtains in the oval office or under his desk, repeatedly. He also had a pet racoon) and now am desperately curious about his wife.

    5. Claire*

      Commercial publishing is a trainwreck right now, with contracts cancelled and books delayed. My agent’s advice was to write whatever I liked for now and we’ll see how things go.

      With that in mind, I put my pirate novel to one side, and I’m writing a short story set in my Janet Watson universe (near future SF, with the US in a new Civil War). What a relief! I’ve written almost 1K today and I’m not done yet.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      I’m into outlining in the screenplay class. I was trying to play with format a little bit, and actually write some of it, but without software, it’s just excruciatingly difficult. A Word template was just not going to cut it. Then I found this demo of Fade In and OMG I AM IN LOVE. I think I might pony up for the full version (it’s a one-time purchase and updates are free, plus it has a Rian Johnson endorsement).

      It’s really fun trying this new way of telling a story (new for me, anyway). I feel like once I get used to the software, it will just flow. The tool you use really does make a difference; if you have to struggle, it cuts into your stream of consciousness.

    7. Anonnington*

      “Monetize,” and, “Receive credit,” are the key terms for me. Less anonymous writing on the internet, more writing in print with my name on it.

  7. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    For the record, this thread is not limited to video games, any kind of game can be discussed here.
    I grabbed a free copy of Total War: Shogun 2 (loosing yet another bit of my faith in humanity in the process) and am thoroughly getting my ass kicked by it. I will get the hang of it eventually though.

    1. LDN Layabout*

      Still Animal Crossing, still obsessed. It’s keeping me going through the pandemic…

      However, I bought two Nintendo vouchers for this month’s ‘you can’t go outside’ treat and the first one has been spent on FE3H which I’ll start today.

      1. ALM2019*

        Is animal crossing a game you can play by yourself? Meaning you don’t know anyone else that plays. I’ve been considering getting it but I’ve never played. I’ve seen people on YouTube talk about visiting each other’s islands.

        1. Dr.KMnO4*

          You can definitely play Animal Crossing alone. You won’t get all of the different types of fruit if you don’t play online, and your turnip experience will be much more limited, but I play solo and enjoy it immensely.

          I’ve played every day since launch, so let me know if you have any questions.

            1. Dr.KMnO4*

              From my experience: you have one native fruit, you find coconuts on every Mystery Island, your mom mails you another type of fruit, and that turns out to be the same fruit you occasionally find instead of your native fruit on a Mystery Island.

              Apparently the fruit your mom sends you is usually different than the one you get occasionally from Mystery Islands. But I guess I was unlucky with that. And I haven’t seen any fruit on a Mystery Island tour other than pears (my native), coconuts, and cherries (the one I got in the mail). I think Nintendo is trying to encourage people to subscribe to their online service and trade fruits and stuff that way.

              I’d love it if I could find the rest of the fruits on a Mystery Island tour. Maybe they’ll patch that in, or maybe it’s in the game already and I just haven’t visited enough Mystery Islands.

              1. LJay*

                Yeah I’ve gotten 3 types. (4 if you count coconuts).

                My native is orange.

                My mom sent me peaches on my first day and I planted them and planted more that I picked every time I had “plant a fruit tree” for a Nook Miles+ task now I have tons of peaches.

                And I occasionally find pears on mystery islands. Planted those on my island as well.

                You get coconuts on mystery islands too. And bamboo. (I also got some bamboo shoots after purchasing turnips I think).

            2. Nessun*

              There are also online communities where you can go get resources (and particularly get decent turnip prices) just by a one time use of their dodo code. You don’t have to friend them, you dont have to tip (some will ask but its very clear who doesn’t care), and there’s no long term relationship required – one trip and the code expires.

        2. LDN Layabout*

          +1 to Dr. KMnO4

          You can definitely play it alone, but also it’s very easy to make friends with people who do (if you have the online account of course) but you won’t miss out on too much.

    2. DarthVelma*

      Well, we finally beat the first scenario of Mansions of Madness last night. We’re picking another scenario and playing again tonight.

      I have to say I’m even more impressed with the companion app after last night. Even though the basic scenario was the same, the interchangeable tiles and the app really changed the layout in a way that made it all fresh. We discovered rooms we didn’t even know existed from the first two playthroughs. I’m a convert.

      In other gaming news, I got my butt kicked at online Monopoly by a 16 year old…again. That game hates me. But COD:Modern Warfare:Warzone hates me more. I cannot get through an entire game without it crashing and it’s making me bonkers. My old Fortnite squad really wants to play that game. I’ve tried every single suggested fix on the internet. I waited for some updates to go through to see if that would help. Still crashing. I can’t even play long enough to figure out if I even really like the game. Argh!!!

    3. Nicki Name*

      I made it to the church route in FE3H after recruiting all the recruitable characters. Then I noticed a couple of the ones I recruited didn’t show up after the timeskip. I guess they’re going to be opponents in this route?

      I’m already making plans about how to train everyone up next time through. Late in my first playthrough, I wrote down notes on what all the master class requirements are so that I could get the students aimed in the right direction to start with. This time, I’ve discovered that setting up master classes too early means some of them don’t have good intermediate/advanced matches. Oh well, I’ve got two more chances to do better! (Plus eventually I’ll come back to this game to play through everything in hard mode.)

      1. Purt's Peas*

        Some of them will be opponents–be sure to defeat them with your Byleth character if they show up on the map, and you may be able to re-recruit them.

    4. The Witch of the Wilds*

      I’m not playing anything at the moment; my computer is trying its darnedest to give up the ghost and I’m praying it holds on until my stimulus check comes in (next week, fingers crossed) & I can just drop it all on a whole new rig.

      But I’m so excited for the new AC game they announced this week, Valhalla. I really loved AC: Odyssey so I’m not only glad they’re sticking with the RPG stuff but that we’re getting another playable female protagonist. As much as I love Vikings, it was going to be a hard pass unless I could play a woman so my relief was immeasurable.

    6. Kate Monster*

      I started playing World of Warcraft again – after a ten year hiatus! My friend’s fiancé also restarted, so we’ve been doing dungeons together.

      For the non-screen games: I moved back in with my parents for shelter-in-place, and my mother has been teaching me mahjong.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      Still galumphing along in Best Fiends on the phone (my consoles are packed away). I just ground my way out of a boss level! Without paying anything, woo!

      1. Lou*

        Oh is that fun? I keep hearing ads for it and it sounds like it might be good, but I’m already spending too much time on Animal Crossing so it’s hard to justify another game.

    8. Warm Weighty Wrists*

      I’m still taking my time with a replay of Witcher 3 and enjoying myself (especially the alchemy and armor crafting) immensely. BF and I played What Remains of Edith Finch over a few evenings, and it was great! Interactive storytelling, slightly spooky but also nostalgic and loving atmosphere, and cool design elements unique to each character. Just what one wants from an indie game. We also started playing the puzzle game Baba Is You, which is fun to play with a partner to work through the problem solving, though I think it could be frustrating for some people.

    9. AnonEMoose*

      We played “Pathfinder” with our regular gaming group last weekend (we were able to play remotely). And we’ve been playing “Dragon Age: Inquisition.”

  8. Ugh*

    So I’ve had a bad night. I should talk about happier things. Who likes motorcycles? I have a blue Kawasaki Vulcan 650 decked out with Spock stickers. Maybe I’ll go practice slow speed maneuvers at the train station tomorrow? Parking lot should be utterly deserted on a Saturday in a pandemic. I love my motorcycle, but I haven’t been able to ride much. I really want to practice. I just feel like I need some guidance to my practice. I don’t know how much I’ve really learned since the basic skills course.

    1. Not A Manager*

      My partner has a BMW 1150R that he loves. A few years ago he and some friends took a trip of a lifetime to Switzerland, rented bikes and toured around. I had zero desire to ride on the back of bike in the Swiss Alps, so I stayed home.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        My husband had a R90/6 and an R69 US. (Had to say US, according to him.) Yeah, they were old bikes.

        OP, there are motorcycle safety courses available. Maybe they have created online courses now, which would still be worthwhile even though they are not in person. The in-person course my husband took was EXCELLENT. They really worked ya though, there was a classroom section and the a field practice session in the same day. My husband would take twice the usual amount of food for lunch and he ate all of it. When he came home his day was over. But they really showed ya how to handle stuff. There was a beginner course and there was an experienced rider course. When you get done, you KNOW that you KNOW. It’s very well worth the time. He’d take the course every few years, to stay current with the latest techniques and the latest thinking. He rode bikes for decades and had well over 200k miles under his belt. These safety courses are a good life habit.

    2. KR*

      Husband and I have a Honda Shadow. The local state park near us closed and all the other roads near us are straight lines, so unfortunately it looks like the prime riding season window in our area is over and thanks to COVID we haven’t ridden at all. My husband isn’t supposed to leave the base we live on unless it’s for grocery shopping/essential and he isn’t allowed to leave the immediate area. Very disappointing and sad. Have fun with your slow manuevers – the best way to stay safe is to practice!

      1. Jaid*

        I took a nice long drive today along the Delaware river in the Easton PA/New Hope area. Lots of motorbikes were out!

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      If you come to my neck of the woods (Brooklyn, NY), you’ll actually have a lot of company. Since the stay-at-home order started, I’ve never heard more motorcycles scream by in my life (I live near a highway). It’s as if someone gave out the advice that revving a motorcycle engine to its redline will make you immune. So weird. But I do think motorcycles are cool. Good luck!

      1. Atheist Nun*

        Yeah, I live in Brooklyn (also a librarian!), and my apartment windows overlook Flatbush Ave. I can hear the dirt bike/ATV crowd revving their engines each weekend, just like they did pre pandemic. I live on the 12th floor and can hear the noise loud and clear, but I am too high up to see if they are wearing masks.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          My guess is, if they’re going as fast as their screaming engines are making it sound, whether or not they’re masked is the least of the problems, sadly.

    4. Greasy turtle burger*

      Best way to get better is to ride it! I took the rider safety course on a lil Honda Nighthawk 250.A week later, I got out on my 86 Honda Goldwing 1200. I dont think my legs ever shook so hard from fear, but after a mile, my riding buddy said he looked over and saw me grinning ear to ear.

      1. BlackBelt Jones*

        I did a course that sounds like that one, on the same type of bike! Are you in Ohio?
        (My course was taken in the 80’s though…)

        1. Greasy turtle burger*

          Nah,Im in TN. Took mine in the early 2000s.Did they make y’all run over lumber? I didnt quite believe it when the instructors started gettin it out. And forget the figure 8 in a parking space thing.I couldnt manage that on a bicycle!

          1. BlackBelt Jones*

            Lumber!! Oh, no! We didn’t do that, thank goodness!

            We *did* do the figure 8 thing, though. I got pretty good at it, actually. :-)

    5. MissDisplaced*

      Well the one thing right now is there is not as much traffic. So get out there and ride!
      Closed malls also mean lots of wide open spaces to practice in for learning close maneuvers, turns and weaving.

    6. Anono-me*

      Do you have a way to video record yourself riding? I think watching a video of yourself doing something can be a helpful self-critique tool.

      1. Ugh*

        California contracts with Total Control to do our basic skills course now, rather than the Motorcycle Safety Foundation, so the MSF has little presence in the state. Total Control does have their own intermediate and advanced courses. I’ve paid for both, but COVID-19 has thrown when I can actually take them up in the air. There is a private motorcycle safety school that usually operates a couple counties north of me, but currently has plans to run their traffic skills course in my county on June 14th, if the shelter in place order gets loosened enough to allow motorcycle range courses. I’ve registered for the course, so if it’s allowed to be held, I’ll be there. I’m optimistic. Governor Newsom said weeks until the first phase of reopening, not months, my county just loosed rules for outdoor activity a little bit, and motorcycle range courses are very easy to do with social distancing in place. You’re already supposed to maintain a healthy space cushion to avoid collisions or intimidating people by tailgating, and turning that into a 6+ foot distance requirement and banning the loaning of gloves and helmets is reasonable enough.

      2. Greasy turtle burger*

        We have the advanced MSA course available here as well.I thought about taking it, but you take it using your own bike. I had to shy away from doing some of the activities on my older( maybe antique?) g-wing. Just dont think she’d handle it too well and parts arent cheap.

        1. Ugh*

          I actually did find a couple interesting intermediate-level MSF courses that Total Control doesn’t offer. My mom lives in Texas, and I need to visit her when the COVID-19 situation is safer (it sure isn’t safe enough right now, whether Texas is reopening or not). My dad recently passed away, so visiting my mom is a big priority. They have the MSF out there. If a school can loan me a bike, I might do the MSF’s street courses when I’m visiting.

    8. The pest, Ramona*

      I have a Vulcan too, love it! I’ve only ridden once since this started, but it felt great to be out on the road. I’ve only been riding a few years, took the safety course and had a smaller starter bike til I got the hang of it. I consider the ride exercise, I’m small and not strong, so is a workout for me.

    9. funemployed scholar*

      I promise you that any old grizzly biker would be happy to teach you. My dad is one (my mom was too–less grizzled) and I’ve been around them my whole life. It really is a lifestyle and they would welcome you with open arms. You can always take classes at Harley dealerships, but why spend the money :)

    10. funemployed scholar*

      My dad and I are fixing up an ’83 Virago. I’m a small woman and it’s probably way too big for me but I finally convinced my dad I’m old enough to have my own ( I AM 33 ) so we are finally getting it together. It was fun until the Cov hit and I haven’t been able to go back home to see him for 2 months but hopefully soon. It’s a great bike, it was in a shed for 10 years and a barn for 10 before that lolz

    11. pugs for all*

      Hi Ugh – I hope you got some wind therapy today! Perfect day for it, at least here in the Northeast USA.

      My husband has gone to American Supercamp Riding School a few times. Besides having a great time, he always comes back feeling like he has learned a ton that helps him in street riding. And did I mention he has so. much. fun? He has gone to ones in Harrington, DE but they hold them all over the country.

      I plan to join him at some point – got my motorcycle license in 2018, then broke my elbow in June 2019 and was out all season. And this year is…well, it is what it is.

  9. NeverNicky*

    A UK based coffee chain is re-opening less than 30 of its stores for drive through today, and one of them is in my small town!

    I am beyond excited.

    Food and drink has become a major focus in lockdown. We are so lucky that we have access to delivery/pick up for both a major supermarket and local specialists plus the income to be able to go beyond the basics.

    It’s made me realise even more how strong people here had to be in the war – coping with all the stress, fear, bombings etc plus pretty severe food rationing. Without good cheese and chocolate, I’d be very very low.

    1. Lena Clare*

      What chain is this? I haven’t heard of it and would be glad to get out and have a good coffee.

    2. London Calling*

      Wish you hadn’t said that, because I’d love a cappuccino right now. What chain is it? (asking for a friend).

    3. misspiggy*

      OMG it’s Costa, I’m so excited. They are normally such a part of our time-off routine that their closure really symbolised how messed up everything is.

      1. London Calling*

        Ooooh, have a Costa a couple of hundred yards away, might go and have a look this morning. Hope they are doing pain au raisins (pains au raisins? pains au raisin? whatever) as well :)

        1. NeverNicky*

          There are very few opening, and only for drive through or delivery.

          We’re in a small town in East Anglia so no delivery (for pretty much any fast food except Dominos) and even having a Costa was exciting, so an OPEN Costa

          1. London Calling*

            And one of them isn’t mine ;((. Damn, the minute my branch opens I am in there. No idea why I miss cappuccino so much, I’m by no means a big coffee drinker. I think it’s because it means weekends and lazing around.

            1. A bit of a saga*

              I think it’s also because it symbolises a (slow) return to ‘normality’ (however our new normal might look). McDonalds, a place I normally never frequent, reopened some of their drive-thru’s here last week and I seriously considered going, just because I could.

          2. Historic Hamlet Dweller*

            I’ve just realised that one near us is open too (hooray for East Anglia, we may have limited takeout options but there are a lot of drive through Costa)

      3. anonymouse for this*

        I’m jealous :0) would love a ham and cheese toastie but several thousand miles away right now

      4. Elizabeth West*

        Nice, I haven’t tried them. I usually go to Caffe Nero or a local shop when I’m in the UK.

    4. London Calling*

      I have noticed that about food. I’m buying stuff that’s a bit more expensive and thinking I’m not paying commuting costs, I just had a hefty raise, I can afford it and I’M WORTH IT.

      1. Lissa*

        That’s been me at the grocery store – I’m saving SO much money by not doing most of my usual stuff like Starbucks or going out for dinner that I am splurging more at the grocery store and not even worrying about it.

    5. MistOrMister*

      I’ve looked at some recipes from WWI specifically for rationing and dear lord above they mostly did not look at all palatable. I am hoping that palates were different then and it wasn’t such a horrible time for them to have to eat those things as I think it would be for us now. We definitely have it easy compared to previous generations!!!

      1. WellRed*

        Palates were different then. Even more recently, they were different and keep evolving.

      2. Chaordic One*

        I was reading about recipes from the Great Depression of the 1930s and back then, when people were going hungry and literally starving, there was a much greater emphasis placed on nutrition. Taste, not so much.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Plus, if the food you have is all you have, you’ll eat it. I used to date someone who would eat anything I made no matter what because he grew up that way. They couldn’t afford to be picky; you ate the dinner or you went to bed hungry.

          1. The pest, Ramona*

            That’s how I grew up, my family was frugal, and my mom wasn’t always the best at flavor when I was really young. I still eat the food in front of me. But to be honest, I want food that is really tasty and well made (and nutritious) now that I control my diet most of the time.

          2. allathian*

            Yeah, it’s a real luxury to be able to refuse to eat something because you don’t like the taste. In my country we have a saying, “hunger is the best condiment”. And it’s true.

      3. WS*

        My grandparents were in Aberdeen during WWII and on severe rations. They moved to South Africa immediately after the war and were thrilled to be greeted off the ship with a big basket of groceries with fresh bread, meat, vegetables and fruit – they thought this would be an amazing week’s rations! They were then very surprised when a member of the welcoming committee showed up at their door the next day to take them shopping – that was just a welcome gift, not their rations!

      4. knead me seymour*

        Although my aunt made me a jar of courgette lemon curd from a wartime recipe, and I thought that was pretty good. I might be able to survive on faux lemon curd and the National Loaf indefinitely.

  10. Belgian*

    I’m looking for a good quality exercise mat that offers enough cushion to do pilates but will also stand up to do doing HIIT exercises in sneakers on it. Anyone got any brand recommendations?

    1. acmx*

      I had the locking tiles before, like gyms use. I might have gotten them from greatmats? Probably the 3/4″.

    2. Call me St. Vincent*

      I have a Manduka yoga mat that is made from recycled tires that seems like it would hold up to the job. I haven’t used it for those activities, but I’ve had it for close to 10 years and it’s held up beautifully! It is very strong without being stiff and it isn’t too squishy like some yoga mats are. I could see it working.

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        It’s the Manduka Pro. In looking up, I saw that they also have a separate mat that is fitness specific. It’s a good company so I’m sure that one is good too.

    1. Lena Clare*

      Whenever I see the word liminal I have to look it up. Every. Single. Time.
      But yes, liminal is it right now!

    2. Overeducated*

      I have loved this word since i learned it (in Latin class many years ago).

    3. OtterB*

      I love that word and concept. It is human, I think, or at least an entrenched part of western culture, to want to move right along to the next thing, whatever it may be. But there’s growth to be had in uncertainty.

    4. Chaordic One*

      Someone has to make a joke using the word, “subliminal.” It’s meaning is not as closely related to “liminal” as you would think. Weird, huh?

    6. Enter_the_Dragonfly*

      It’s so awesome to see other people expressing their love of the word ‘liminal’! I’ve loved it ever since reading about liminal groups in Kate Fox’s ‘Watching the English’ (hilarious btw).
      Oh, and yes, liminal is definitely very apt right now.

  12. Marble Cake*

    Pen Pals!

    I am teaching my children to write letters and how to address envelopes. They are currently writing family members, but it made think about pen pals. I know social media makes it easy to communicate but I am old fashioned. I don’t have Facebook and rarely text. I prefer to call or meet in person.

    Does anyone have a pen pal? Where did you find your own pal? What do you write about or send? I am curious how this works in today’s world.

    1. All Hail Queen Sally*

      I have been penpalling since I was a kid. I am now in my 60’s and still keep in touch with two, a woman in England, a man in Australia (I did go to visit him once in 1988 or so) and a woman from Belgium who found me on facebook. I don’t remember where I got their names from. It was so much fun learning about other countries. I have visited other pen pals in the Netherlands, Germany, England, Malaysia, Indonesia and the Philippines. (It helped that I was in the military stationed nearby.) Most of my penpals were women and as they got older, got married and had kids, they would lose interest in writing.

      You might want to check out Postcrossing (dot) com, a website that facilitates the exchange of post cards around the world. It is awesome! You can request names only in your country or international (be advised international postage is crazy expensive these days!)

      I am thinking maybe I will write to some of them to see how they are doing these days. Thanks for your post–it is bringing back some wonderful memories! I hope your project goes well!

      1. Marble Cake*

        Thank you!! I checked it out! I might try it out with the kids.

        And I’m glad I can bring some good memories:)

    2. Polyhymnia O'Keefe*

      This is totally not how it works in today’s world, but I had a pen pal in high school (late 90s) that I got from a pen pal service. Digging around the internet, I’m pretty sure it was IYS. We didn’t get our addresses as a class, although I’m pretty sure I got the information through school. I was connected to a girl in Ireland and we wrote regularly for several years. We’re Facebook friends now, although not actively in touch anymore.

      I also have a group of friends I met on TWoP close to 15 years ago. There’s a group of about 20 of us who all met on one forum and are still friends to this day. We’ve gone through various levels of meeting in person, vacationing together, writing real letters, sending holiday cards, doing a birthday gift exchange, sharing a single DVD that we would mail with a journal from person to person, and are now mostly Facebook friends, since our lives have all changed so much from where we were at (mostly just out of college, 20-somethings) back then. I haven’t found that level of closeness again with a group of starting-from-strangers on a public forum, but it was a pretty special connection that we found at the right time in our lives.

      1. Fisherwoman*

        Oh my I remember IYS! I’m facebook friends with several of my old IYS penpals….and I miss letter writing.

      3. 2QS*

        I’m part of a group of nine who met on a tiny bulletin board 15+ years ago. Many of us have met many of the others in person, written letters, taken photos, done big collaborative projects online together, and so on. Some of my closest friends to this day.

    3. All Hail Queen Sally*

      I meant to say that the woman in Belgium found me on facebook last month but we had been penpals years ago and had fallen out of touch. The other two have stayed in touch with me these past 40 years or so.

      We would talk about our daily lives, our families, and current events. It helped me pay attention to things happening in other countries or states and I could always ask them about it.

    4. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I think the way children find penpals nowadays is that their parents hook them up with their own friends’ children in other cities/countries.

    5. MistOrMister*

      I am happy to text but I hate social media. And I always wanted a pen pal. I think I might have an old phone book…maybe I will pick a name at random and send someone a letter! Just for the heck of it.

    6. Lady Alys*

      I’m in several fountain pen groups on Facebook and there are always people looking for penpals.

    7. glitter crayon*

      You could look into volunteering to write letters with Letters Against Depression. They write to people who are struggling. I had some letters from them during a very hard time and it was wonderful

      1. Misty*

        +1

        Thanks for telling us about this site. I just looked them up and it looks very interesting.

      2. LadyGrey*

        Thank you so much for this. I just looked up this organization and signed up to do some letter writing. I have dealt with depression and mental health stuff throughout my life and can imagine how much a letter might have meant to me when I was really struggling. The opportunity to maybe help somebody in this way is so amazing. Thank you!!

    8. OtterB*

      I always wanted a pen pal as a kid (I’m in my 60s.) I signed up and wrote someone a couple of times and might have gotten one response back, but never really engaged with anyone.

      I did meet a group of fellow moms on the Catholic Moms section of an online parenting forum more than 20 years ago. We spun off into an email group. We e-mailed for years, through several different group emails. A few years ago we realized that the half dozen of us that were left were all on Facebook, so we set up a private Facebook group. A few of us have met in person, but mostly it’s online. We have supported each other through job losses and health issues and moves and parenting challenges like a kid coming out as trans, and we’ve also celebrated trips, children, grandchildren, and the small joys of life. They are an important part of my life, different from my in-person friends but equally valuable.

    9. Blarg*

      I had a pen pal when I was a kid. Now I am a frequent card-sender. In the before times, I’d send postcards from anywhere interesting (even local) and always kept postcard stamps in my wallet which helped ensure I actually sent the cards. There are some fun stamps right now, like a Sesame Street line, which might inspire your kids. The challenge, I think, will be getting people to write back… I enjoy the sending a lot but for kids reciprocation may be more important.

      In elementary school (in the 80s), we had to write a “business letter” to a national park and request info. I wrote Crater Lake and getting that pack of glossy brochures and such weeks later was a joy. I still hope to go there one day. And send postcards.

      Good luck! Your kids will make people’s days if they get a card from them. It’ll go on the fridge for sure.

      1. Marble Cake*

        I remember having to write letters to businesses. It was extremely exciting if they responded.

    10. Alston*

      So in 5th and 6th grade we had pen pals in Germany. My teacher had a friend who taught about the same age kids in a tiny town in Germany (they met on a message board about Golden Retrievers in thr 90s), so we wrote to them.

      The. German kids had already learned some English and wr

    12. Postcrosser*

      One alternative is Postcrossing, an international postcard exchange. It’s free to join and you are assigned people to send postcards on a completely random basis, both domestic and international. Google it for more info

      1. Blueberry*

        Oh huh how did I miss your comment before I posted mine! Anyway, I heartily second the Postcrossing recommendation.

    13. Got Cats?*

      I have a penpal. We’ve been penpals for 40 years. We have never met in person. She’s in the UK, I’m in the US. My dad was in our navy, and his submarine was stationed there over Christmas, and her family adopted my dad for the holidays. They had a daughter my age (10) and a daughter my sister’s age, and it’s evolved over the years from actual letters to emails, Facebook, etc. It has added tremendous joy to my life.

    14. Blueberry*

      May I recommend Postcrossing? It connects people from all over the world to send each other postcards. It’s allowed to become penpals but not required.

      Like others, I’ve had penpals almost my whole life, starting with distant family (since I’m an immigrant) and going onwards through school-mediated connections and fanclubs and such. I LOVE writing people and sending little pieces of myself across the world.

      1. WinterHasCome*

        I was just going to suggest that! I’ve been doing that for about 14 years or so.

    15. All Hail Queen Sally*

      Addressing envelopes is one thing. Decorating them is a form of art called Mail Art (google the term). Every year the National Association of Letter Carriers sponsors a contest for decorated envelopes called The Graceful Envelope. There are both adult and childrens categories. Years ago, the Smithsonian Traveling Exhibition Service created a traveling exhibition of Graceful Envelope winners from 1995 to 1999 and sent them around the US to 16 different cities from 2002 to 2005. I was lucky enough to see that exhibit when it came to my city, and it was fabulous.

  13. Lena Clare*

    That picture of Hank is gorgeous! He’s so clean (said with envy).

    My cat, Albert, who is almost identical to Hank, came in the night before yesterday with his belly covered in mud. It was a real battle washing and brushing him. I managed to get out some more clumps of fur too and he’s slightly cleaner and better groomed now! I’ll post a picture in the comments.

      2. Anono-me*

        Oh dear. I thanks from the look on his face that you better sleep with one eye open for quite some time.

        (But it is a very handsome face.)

    2. LifeBeforeCorona*

      I miss my long-haired Fred. He loved to stretch out full length on the floor while I brushed him. He was the only cat I owned who also loved having his ears cleaned with a q-tip. I think the wax and dirt bothered him because he would lay on my lap for hours while I gently cleaned out the gunk.

    3. Perse's Mom*

      That photo just encompasses so much Cat-ness.

      Your Albert looks less than thrilled (but is very handsome anyway).

  14. Jay*

    Well, a little bit of Pandemic Cheer this week.
    About 10 months ago a butcher shop opened up in a nearby town. It’s a bit out of the way, not in any of the big shopping plazas in the area (although on a road that gets quite a bit of travel). It’s not a terrible location, but they haven’t been doing much business and I was afraid that they might close. See, they specialize in fresh, local meats, super high grade stuff, way better than any grocery store anywhere near here. Everything sourced from local farms. Every steak, chop, or chicken comes with the name and location of the farm it was raised on, everything cut and trimmed to order. They even have a smoker and do the best pulled pork I’ve had outside North Carolina. It’s just amazing.
    Well, the first week the Pandemic really hit, and the state faced restrictions on business openings and travel, all the meat disappeared from the big national chains. Supply line issues. Suddenly, getting your meat on a freezer car or tractor trailer from the midwest was not a great idea any more.
    You know who still had a totally uninterrupted supply? The butcher shop. Because all their meat came from just a few miles away. Those of us who frequented the place put the word out that people could get food there (along with several farmers markets that also carried mostly super local produce).
    Now business is positively booming! Even though the national chains are fully stocked (around here, anyway) people are sticking to the butchers. They actually needed to take on more staff, nearly doubling the number of people on duty at any given time.
    It’s great for the butchers, it’s great for local farmers, and it’s great for the buying public.

    1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I love this. Our local butcher has a board up saying where the meat has come from and it does give you confidence. This kind of butchery, retail and indeed farming is good.

    2. Clementine*

      It also sounds like the butchers aren’t using products from those ghastly infected meat-processing plants. I am making an effort to not consume any more meat from those places, given how horribly the workers have been treated. That’s great news about your butcher.

      1. Black Horse Dancing*

        You may want to look into how those meat processing plants treat the animal as well. There’s a reason it’s called factory farming and that’s what those processing plants are.

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I’ve been getting my meat from a New England meat CSA for over 2 years now. Organic local meat delivered to my door (before pandemic). All I do is pick the amount and if there’s anything I want to exclude.

      The popularity of this place has taken off with the pandemic apparently so they have fewer monthly specials (optional add-ons with your order) this month but it’s nice to support local farmers and butchers and also not have anxiety about our food supply.

      1. Alex*

        Same here, and I’m so grateful for it now! I’ve had mine for many years and now there’s a waiting list.

    4. Sarah*

      As a farmer who has seen the demand for our meat quadruple in the last two months, thank you! It has been a wild ride, but we’re thankful that people have been shopping local. Now, I’m just hoping that the demand stays this high post quarantine.

      1. Jay*

        Congratulations on the business upswing!
        And thank YOU for all you do to keep your community supplied with food in these trying times.
        As a younger man I worked as a farmhand and know just how difficult and stressful that life can be at the best of times.

    5. Quiet Liberal*

      This is the best news! We started buying chickens and beef from a local organic farm a few months ago. At first, I balked at the prices, but wow, what a difference! It really is so much better than anything you can get at the grocery store. We’ve just cut back elsewhere.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        We found that we use less of the better meat (because the flavour is better and it isn’t pumped up) so the prices are closer than they look.

        1. Quiet Liberal*

          You are absolutely right about that. I meant to say that because it is so much more flavorful, we can enjoy a small steak and be satisfied. There really is a difference in quality, for sure.

    6. Parenthetically*

      We had a similar deal with a local farmer we’ve gotten meat from in the past through a CSA. They supplied a lot of high-end local restaurants, which they’re obviously not doing at the moment, but they’re now doing home deliveries of their incredibly high-quality meat — at about 50x their previous volume of home delivery. It delights me deep in my soul that more people are realizing the power and safety there is in the shortest possible supply chain.

    7. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      My brother is talking about getting one of the hogs the meat plants can’t process and butchering it ourselves. The logistics seem a bit tricky, but also it seems like a lot of fun. I’ve really enjoyed the smaller butchering I’ve done before. I probably shouldn’t be googling “homemade bacon recipes” though until we know we’re going to do it.

      1. Mimosa Jones*

        My dad used to represent a company that made portable butchering facilities. He was helping them find a US market for their product. I think the regulations got in their way, but I’ve wondered if something like that could t be a solution right now.

        1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          I think the problem isn’t just facilities, though they would help. You’d need people who know how to use them. I’m game to give it a go, but a majority of people probably would not be. And I’d take forever, do a kind of lousy job, and have no idea of commercial food safety for butchering. None of those are a big deal for family and friends use, but all would be important if done on a scale large enough to make up our missing production.

          I would really love a meat locker though. Everything else we can approximate at home with a bit of planning, but I don’t know how we are going to cool the meat. Ice bath in the bathtub, I guess.

      2. WS*

        A lot of butchers in my (very rural) area have a private service where they will come to your place and slaughter and butcher the animal for you – if there’s an actual butcher nearby, you should ask them! Unfortunately they tend to advertise this by painting “WE DO PRIVATES” on the shopfront…

        1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          Oh dear, that’s hilarious. Our local butcher is a little more upmarket. We could probably get them to do it, but I don’t know what it would cost, and I really want to butcher a pig! I’ve enjoyed what little experience I’ve had.

    9. Ali G*

      YES! I was already a member of a local/organic farm delivery service that has saved my butt. They have a waitlist now. Same with my Butcher Box membership. I only get it every 3 months, but luckily April was my delivery month. We had just run out of ground beef. With a few exceptions, we basically only eat meat from our freezer, and have been doing that for a while so we didn’t have much of an adjustment.

    10. Pennyworth*

      A few weeks ago, at the height of panic buying, I read a report of a similar small butcher selling more chicken in one week tha they normally sell in six months.

    11. Square Root of Minus One*

      Locally raised comsumption has boomed here too. Not just meat. I was already into it (that was the point of my supermarket answer last week as I recall). I usually don’t eat meat at home, but what you observe about uninterrupted supplies, I observed about veggies, flour… and prices didn’t increase nearly as much as the supermarket.
      When I was a kid in the country, my mom used to buy “a cow” from a farm nearby: one animal’s worth of meat in bulk, which was an assortment of meat products we put in the freezer. It was huge, lasted several months for the both of us. Now I don’t have the freezer for this, nor the supplier, but I hope I can revert to something like that later.

    12. Myrin*

      I’ve observed something similar where I live.

      Now, my butcher isn’t nearly as new as yours – the current owner (who is the least butcher-y looking man I have ever seen; other than him, all butchers I know, male or female, all look kinda similar, but he looks like a model for Butchers’ Weekly or something) represents the fifth generation of this family’s owning the building/butchery. We’ve also been buying there for pretty exactly twenty-five years now.

      Because it’s a bit of a hassle to get there without a car, I only go once a month and buy in bulk, but I’ve been doing that for seven years now and because of that (and of course because of the aforementioned 25 years regarding my family), all the people there know me pretty well and we usually chat for a bit while I’m there.
      And during my April visit, I asked one of the workers how they’re doing and she said that it’s mighty stressful right now because one of her colleagues is on maternity leave – which, I didn’t even know she was pregnant; that’s what happens when you only go somewhere monthly and then kinda just don’t see them four or five times – but their customer numbers have skyrocketed and there’s business like it’s the week before Easter every single day.

      I’m incredibly happy for them regarding the money they’re making – even though they’ve (rightly, they’re truly the very best) been very popular all along and never had a lack of customers – but god, you could see that they’re all a bit frazzled right now. I’m interested to see how this will develop over time.

      1. schnauzerfan*

        We have a couple of small scale “game processors” that deal mainly with deer, antelope and elk. They also do the private processing of beef or pork. I’ve never dealt with them because I’m a bit squeamish about meeting my food. But the pandemic has been an opportunity for both companies. Both are about an hour away and have both been bringing truckloads of meat to town once a week or so. We’ll the super market we’ve been doing curbside with has limited their sales to one package of meat per customer… here in the heart of beef country. So I braved the meat truck. Wow. Pork very reasonably priced, beef a little higher than the super marked. Meat for the week and some for the freezer. I’m hooked. They don’t do poultry though. I’ll be on the hunt for some chicken or turkey, but were good for meat.

  15. just a random teacher*

    What’s blooming in everyone’s yard right now? This is my third May Day at my current house, and every year I’ve been disappointed that there’s nothing reasonable in the yard to put in May baskets. It’s too late for daffodils and tulips, and too early for roses (they’re just buds). The main thing flowering right now in my yard is rhododendrons.

    As a kid, I mostly grew forget-me-nots for May baskets (I used to leave May baskets on doorsteps all over the neighborhood), but I’m wondering about some other good choices for things that don’t take much work and tend to have blooms on May 1st suitable for getting at least a few May baskets worth. I’m in the PNW, zone 8b.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I do love the rhodies in my front yard. Right now I have a bumper crop of stupid dandelions, not the inoffensive yellow phase but the giant ugly gangly gone-to-seed type. Mowing my lawn yesterday, I felt like I was pushing a little kid’s bubble mower :-P I also have a lot of volunteer green onions growing in my front bed, which is funny to me.

      My lilac bush has started to bloom. The cherry tree has flowers. My peach tree did NOT sick with red blisters this year, unlike the last two, so I’m excited about that, but I’m sure the squirrels still won’t let me get any fruit from it. :-P

      I have a bunch of strawberry plants I want to plant this weekend, but I need to decide what I want to plant them in. My thought is one of those big faux washtub type, then I can put it on my deck and have a better shot at keeping the rabbits out of it.

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Re May day – keep in mind that the specific date is based on a specific climate. You really need to adjust the date for your location.

      My daffodils are done, but the tulips are going strong. As are the grape hyacinths.

    3. fposte*

      I must be farther north than you; still got plenty of tulips and late daffodils here. My camassia are just starting to bloom, and the vinca is flowering. Peonies are getting ready–next week for the early ones if the weather stays warm.

    4. RagingADHD*

      My peony has 2 massive blooms open, and several more about to pop.

      Gorgeous!

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      A single red tulip in one corner.
      A single double layer tulip in another bed.
      A single mini tulip in a third bed.

      (I have not been able to kneel for gardening, so new new bulbs last fall or the previous fall.)

      Forsythia! A bridal veil shrub. And the dogwood is finally starting.

      A lone rebel chrysanthemum where I thought the plant had completely died.

      The iris have poked up leaves and I am optimistic there will be flowers.

    7. Generic Name*

      Nothing! :( :( :( spring is veeeery slow to arrive to Denver. My bulbs were blooming but withered when we had a hard freeze two weeks ago. I think the freeze really damaged my neighbor’s lilacs. We are about to plant our veggie seedlings, although I anticipate having to cover the veggie bed at least once before the weather warms up.

      1. schnauzerfan*

        Same in the Black Hills. We have one tulip that seems to have survived. Some crocuses on the hill sides and a really bumper crop of dandelions. My poor mother hates them so. WEEDS. She sneers. Wildflowers I counter.

    8. Auntie Social*

      Violas. So MANY violas. Some azaleas starting, but a halfhearted attempt.

    9. Sam I Am*

      The daffodils popped yesterday. All solid yellow. I have about 200 blooms.

      It gives me a thrill each spring, I should add MOAR BULBZ!!

      1. Cobalt*

        My woodland phlox, rhododendrons, virginia bluebells and jacob’s ladder are all gorgeous right now if you have shady areas!

    10. Bluebell*

      So many grape hyacinths in the garden! And the forsythia seems to be lasting extra-long.

    11. Senor Montoya*

      New Dawn and Josephs Coat roses, white irises, peonies, pinks, oxalis, still some ajuga, candytuft, gerberas, camellias. It’s been a beautiful spring, cooler than it has been for many years.

    12. HeyAnonynony*

      Forsythia has been going for a while. Lilacs are just starting. Daffs and tulips done, bluebells going nuts. Bachelor button (they self seed) are starting a long run.

    13. Jdc*

      Our tomatoes are getting going. Tons of lettuce. Peppers soon.

      Today my husband made me a gorgeous potting table. I’m so in love with it. I need to seal it though but it started raining tonight and I’m exhausted from helping with that and then painting our side door both sides and the trim. It looks so much better now. We did our front last weekend.

    14. Elizabeth West*

      Mum has a large pink azalea near the front door. It’s getting ready to burst into bloom.

    15. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Bluebells, dicentra, saxifrage, and the flowering quince still has flowers on it. I planted a ton of bulbs in early March but no signs of life from them at all. They were just cheap packs from the pound shop so they were probably not very good quality to start with. I have some shrubs that have already bloomed and faded (forsythia, flowering currant). I tried some flower seeds but they haven’t come up yet. Although it’s been sunny here it has been fairly windy and chilly at night so I think it’s just too cold.

      1. Laaal*

        I had a couple saxifrage years go but they died off after two seasons. I think it is too humid in the mid-Atlantic area for them.

    16. cleo*

      Spring is going strong here in Chicago. Our daffodils and tulips are beautiful, the serviceberry tree is in bloom and the lily of the valley are budding. Our hepatica is also blooming.

      I’m sad that I haven’t been able to take a wild flower walk yet this spring. We have a couple favorite walks in our local county parks/forest preserves but they are all closed on the weekends because of the pandemic and weekdays are trickier because of my job. But we did drive next to a forest preserve yesterday and saw some lovely patches of May apples, trout lily and spring beauties.

    17. Laaal*

      In Virginia, I have lavender, creeping phlox, iris, indian hawthorne (shrub), baptisa/false indigo, verbena, sweet alyssum (groundcover) and chives blooming right now. They are all purple and pink except the false indigo is yellow and alyssum is white; I guess I don’t like variety, lol! Daffodils and forsythia finished a few weeks ago. This is a really good time for my flower garden; I’ve got a lot of boring time mid-summer so I need to find some new plants for that dead zone.

  16. Vic tower*

    Who are your parenting heroes? Apart from my own parents, who I think did a good job, I would say the Obamas, the Yousafzai (parents of Malala) and Jacinda Ardern and Clarke Gayford… Who else?

    1. Nancy*

      What a great question!
      Apart from my own parents, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about Caroline (Ma) Ingalls. I’ve been reading some of the LHotP books to my children, and recently read a biography of Laura Ingalls Wilder. What Ma had to do to keep her family safe, fed and looked after was amazing. Pa too, but at the same time it does seem that he was the one that wanted to keep moving to new places.

      1. WellRed*

        Have you read the fairly recent fictional account of Ma Ingalls? I think it’s called Caroline. Quite eye opening.

      2. Scarlet Magnolias*

        I don’t know, fictional fathers like Pa Ingalls, Johnny Nolan and (actually a real father) Bronson Alcott, give me a swift pain. They get the credit for “following their dreams” (although Johnny Nolan was a lovable ineffective drunk) and the wife/mother ends up holding the family together. Pa Ingalls in particular.

        2. Nancy*

          I know! Reading LHotP as a child, I thought what great fun Pa was, but then reading them as an adult, I was often horrified at what he did – crossing the Mississippi in the wagon the night before the ice cracked leaps to mind.

          1. allathian*

            Yeah, absolutely. I loved the books as a kid and though they had great adventures, but as an adult I do feel for Ma Ingalls. Pa can’t have been all that easy to live with.

    2. ThatGirl*

      I’m not a parent and never will be, but Dwyane Wade and Gabrielle Union seem to be doing an amazing job.

    3. Torrance*

      The first parents that came to mind to me were Kristen Bell & Dax Shepard. They’re so honest and open about their parenting while staying fiercely protective of their children. Parenting (and, honestly, relationship) goals.

      And, even though her style of parenting is most definitely not for me, I’d say Mayim Bialik as well. She got a lot of guff for the attachment parenting stuff and some of her other parenting ideas but it’s obvious that everything comes from loving and wanting the best for her kids. Her videos on parenting post-divorce have been so honest that they’re a bit heartbreaking at times.

      1. Vic tower*

        Oh yes, Kristen bell and dax- I agree, they seem to be approaching it with love, humour and common sense!
        Will have to watch Mayims stuff.

    4. WoodswomanWrites*

      In addition to some already mentioned, I’m appreciating the parents of Greta Thunberg. They have supported the journey of their teen daughter as a global leader in the climate change movement. When I see teens who have become inspiring leaders like Greta and Malala, I admire their parents.

      1. allathian*

        Absolutely. Especially given that both Greta and her sister Beata have ADHD and are on the autism spectrum, they’ve done a great job. Just goes to show that you can be both neuroatypical and successful with the right support and a bit of luck. Their mother Malena Ernman basically gave up her career as an international mezzosoprano, because she won’t fly anymore.

    5. PX*

      I’ve always enjoyed Katherine Ryan (comedian) and she’s always talked a lot about what its like being a single mother in her specials (mainly the hypocrisy about being a single mother vs. any man who contributes to parenting in any form).

      But the last episode of her podcast (Telling Everybody Everything) talks a little bit more about her parenting style and it just made me appreciate her even more!

  17. LGC*

    I swear this is not really a work request, but…Zoom backgrounds and green screens? My laptop isn’t quite powerful enough to handle not having a green screen, and I kind of had way more fun with putting my background as the Drag Race Work Room (among other things) than I should.

    What do you guys do for green screens? I’m trying to not spend money, and especially not on Amazon. I THINK just construction paper or poster paper could work. And also, what are the best backgrounds you’ve seen?

    1. Rebecca*

      This made me smile, as I never thought about if I was forced to use video what would be in the background. I opt for keeping the 1970’s TV room vibe, and hoping the cat doesn’t decide to take a bath while I’m on camera :)

      1. LGC*

        It’s surprisingly easy to do! It works as long as you have a solid color as a background, but if it’s not a green screen then you get weird transparency issues (my walls are a light cream color and it caused issues with my gray hoodie).

    2. Blarg*

      Solid color sheet hanging on the wall might work as long as there is contrast to you (ie not close to your own skin tone or clothing). Have fun.

      1. LGC*

        You know, that might work. I just need to find a suitable sheet. (I can’t believe I didn’t think about this sooner.)

    3. KoiFeeder*

      I used a red blanket taped to the wall. It’s a hacky solution, but it worked.

      1. LGC*

        Tried exactly that, didn’t work for me!

        …to be fair, part of this was probably because I was wearing a hoodie that had red lettering on it, which didn’t help. Although I think it oddly did pick up my own skin color as well, since I’m kind of dark-skinned.

    4. Imtheone*

      We had a folding screen to control drafts. It makes a nice, fairly neutral background. The screen has been very useful and is now 18 years old, still in good shape. If you buy a new one, it probably won’t go amiss in future, calmer times.

      The other thing if I don’t use the screen is make sure nothing weird is showing on camera.

    5. Pennyworth*

      Could you use a lamp with green cellophane over it to make the wall behind you green? As long as it didn’t make you green too!

  18. Chocolate Teapot*

    I was pleased to discover a favourite local restaurant has re-opened for takeaway! Even when they were open as a restaurant, a takeaway service was offered, so I wonder if there was a delay due to a need for deep cleaning?

    So I ordered from them last night, and it was delicious.

    1. MistOrMister*

      I was looking forward to getting chinese food from my favorite place tomorrow (they have the best eggrolls I have ever had!!), but now I think I will be going there today instead.

      I think some places just didn’t feel comfortable being open. Maybe they were trying to figure out how to best keep the staff safe. Some places near me have taken to putting up large signs saying they’re open for carryout/drive through. Although, I question the places that are drive through only. How do they serve the people who don’t have cars???

      2. Valancy Snaith*

        They don’t. In my province it’s illegal to go through the DT without being in a car. People without cars don’t patronize them.

        1. Wired Wolf*

          We had a local-news story where a woman went through a Dunkin DT on horseback; I think that was a relatively small town and while there were a few cars out the drivers clearly knew how to coexist with horses. The employees were highly amused.

          1. KR*

            I used to work at Dunks & we had people come through on motorcycles, ski trimmers, snowmobiles, and all sorts of vehicles. Never a horse though!

    2. WellRed*

      I’d guess the delay was due to uncertainty about being open and trying to ensure they could do it safely.

      1. Quiet Liberal*

        We live in a super red northern state and locals are convinced this is a hoax. There have been “lip service closures”, but a lot of under the table transactions going on. Yesterday was the start of a supposed gradual reopening – only curbside takeout allowed. Lots of people out and about…parking lots full. One very small restaurant had at least 20 empty cars in their lot at noon. People would have to be literally sitting on each other’s laps if there are only 10 in that place. I asked my SO if the health dept. should be notified. He said HD inspectors are probably in there for lunch! He says we just need to take care of ourselves and not worry about the idiots. I’m so sick of people not caring about anyone but themselves around here. What is wrong with people?

    3. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      I wish my local Italian restaurant reopens soon. I love them, they have excellent food for all palates (pizza, pasta, meat and fish) at a reasonable price. We managed to eat there a couple days before the lockdown started. :(

    4. nonegiven*

      Not just the cleaning, some restaurants are rearranging/spreading out tables and adding plexi between the booths

  19. Catherine*

    Tips for training yourself not to cry?

    I’ve read Alison’s past posts on crying at work and while those are helpful for what to do if I cry (though I don’t really cry at work now that I’ve gotten out of toxic helljob), I want to head the process off entirely.

    I recognize that this is, after a few decades, just how my body responds to certain stresses (mainly, feeling powerless). But the thing is, this is very much a response I learned as a child, because tears were the only thing that scared my (alcoholic, rageaholic) stepfather and were thus the only weapon I had that could temporarily derail the verbal/emotional abuse train.

    I wasn’t using it consciously as a control tactic as a child, and I don’t use it that way now–it really is an involuntary response for me! But this involuntary response was acquired from learning that Crying Makes the Bad Thing Stop. Even if I’m not consciously using it in a manipulative way, it is a manipulative maladaption and I need to get rid of it somehow in order to be able to have healthy relationships with other people.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Watch your self-talk. If we tell ourselves “cannot cry, don’t cry!” the tears can come harder and faster.
      Instead try telling yourself that “things will be okay, it will all work out”. Yes, console yourself.

      Another tool I have used is to reflect on a similar situation in the past. How did that situation work out? What could I do differently in this situation? What parts did I do well with in the previous situation that could be used again here?

      While you are teaching yourself not to cry at the wrong time, also teach yourself to cry at appropriate times. I am big fan of turning on some sad music at home, if I feel that I have a build up of tears in me that I should deal with. I think it’s important to teach ourselves what we can do at the same time we are trying to break old patterns.

      Consider this, Younger You could only have some power, some control of the negative happening to you by crying. However, Adult You has more resources, more life experience, and more worldly knowledge.

      I have stupid example. I routinely cried when my car broke down, we’re talking this was my go-to response. My husband said, “Well. I am not sure how tears will get the car fixed.” He was a very practical person.
      I thought about this. I concluded that I would collect up facts before deciding that I had a Big Problem and Needed to Cry Immediately. Some times tears can be deflected by taking some sort of action, that action can be collecting more facts regarding the situation. I would ask myself, “Do I really need to cry here? Or can I go straight to problem solving mode?” In other instances I started realizing that tears actually prolonged the problem, if I skipped the tears I could cut right to getting rid of the concern.

      You may notice that you use different approaches in different situations to get to the same result. This actually makes sense, because generally speaking we do certain habits for more than one reason. So it takes more than one tool to change what we are doing.

    2. LGC*

      …there’s a lot going on here.

      Without getting into your awful stepfather or all the cultural baggage of women’s tears (your username is Catherine, so I’m making an educated guess)…you kind of answered your own question here, my dude. I’m blockquoting you with added emphasis:

      I wasn’t using it consciously as a control tactic as a child, and I don’t use it that way now–it really is an involuntary response for me!

      So, full disclosure: I don’t think you really need to stop crying, but I can definitely respect that you want to stop crying. I suspect that part of the reason you cry so often is that when you end up in an upsetting situation, you’re focused on not crying because Crying Is Bad. But it ends up kind of being like when you’re told not to think about pink elephants – you end up thinking about pink elephants more. You might find that if you’re more okay with crying, a side effect is that you cry less.

      One thing I’ve done is acknowledge that…uh, I might cry and it’s just a thing I do. (Or in a turn of phrase I’m really fond of and I’ve seen on AAM and CA and other places, that I have a leaky face.) Externally, it helps put your tears in context; people think that if you’re crying, you’re seriously upset, and you’re getting ahead of that. Internally, you’re also reassuring yourself that…yeah, this is a thing that might happen instead of some awful monster that you need to hold back.

    3. Lyra*

      I have a technique picked up from a (fictional) book ages ago: distract yourself in the moment. This is obviously possible only in some situations, so don’t get too down on yourself if you can’t do it because you need to be immediately responding to something else. The distraction needs to be simple, but somewhat mentally engaging and nonemotional. Some examples:
      Add numbers (the book I read had the character doubling each time: 1, 2, 4, 8, 16, etc).
      Try to list all the states alphabetically.
      Find 5 objects in the room that are red.
      Name animals beginning with the last letter of the previous one: aardvark, kangaroo, octopus, starfish

    4. Not A Manager*

      Something that has helped me in similar situations is to see the behavior as communicative – to me and to the other person. Perhaps when you start to cry, or when you feel like crying, you could try to name what is happening. You already did that here. “I feel that I’m starting to cry. This situation is difficult for me, and it makes me feel powerless. Right now crying feels like my only defense. I would like to [ignore the crying and keep going][take break by myself and revisit this later][be comforted by you and know that I’m safe with you].”

      I find that this technique works both when I’m exhibiting the maladaptive behavior interpersonally, and also when I’m just doing it by myself. And the key is (in my opinion) you DON’T actually “have” to stop crying. It sounds to me like you want to stop using crying as a defense mechanism. But you’re allowed to gently separate yourself from the technique of crying-as-self-protection, and still keep crying if you want to cry.

    5. WS*

      While I haven’t been able to stop myself completely, I have had a great response from saying, “Sorry, I’m going to cry, it’s involuntary, please ignore me and it will stop in a minute.” Sometimes people will let me go and have a little break, but even if they just wait a minute the problem solves itself, because my body realises that it’s not *that* situation, it’s just an everyday situation. I can take a few deep breaths, clean up my face, and carry on. But taking the break is the most important step.

    6. Katefish*

      I’m a leaky person myself :) and read somewhere online that pressing your tongue on the roof of your mouth helps stop tears. It worked for me in a few truly heartbreaking moments in court. Good luck!

  20. MistOrMister*

    Any suggestions for things to help with falling back to sleep? I usually doze off fine. But I noticed after exiting my 20s that I have many more nights when I wake up and am awake for hours and hours while desperately wanting to go back to sleep. It’s not stress related. Tv helps sometimes but not a lot. If I’m not crying from exhaustion sometines I get up and exercise a little and that might help. Warm milk is blech and I have never liked it.

    1. Catherine*

      Headspace has a “falling back to sleep” meditation that I use after nightmares sometimes.

    2. Quoth the Raven*

      I usually fall asleep to either the Sleep with Me podcast (you can find it on Spotify and YouTube) or ASMR videos, so if sound or voices don’t keep you up, you could check them out.

    4. Sh’Dynasty*

      Counselor gave me the advice that if you are awake for a long time, get up and move to a chair/couch to do a relaxing activity until you are tired again (ie reading, adult coloring, journaling, listening to relaxing music, making and drinking a cup of decaf tea). It’s more relaxing to your mind than fighting your body to GET BACK TO SLEEP.

      I found the tossing and turning was keeping me awake because I was frustrated that I could not just get back to bed.

      Also you may be having this come up due to quarantining/stress of being out of your routine. Grant yourself a bit of patience- a reminder for everyone!

    5. 00ff00Claire*

      I think the experts say that after a certain number of minutes, if you aren’t falling back asleep, get up and do something for a bit and then try again. It may need to be something quiet that you do though. I’ve had this problem too, and for me a few different things that have worked at various times. I’ve listened to books or podcasts that I know are soothing and comforting. At one point, Audible had a guided meditation series that you could stream that I listened to. There are similar meditations out there you could buy. Sometimes what I do lately is look up cake decorating videos, usually on Facebook. These are the ones where they just show a cake being decorated, or they’re a compilation of several cakes being decorated. The ones I watch are not narrated and not “how to” videos. They usually have music but I watch them without sound. They are kind of mesmerizing and to me, relaxing. Especially ones that feature round cakes, because then the cake is usually rotating.

      Anther strategy I have used will take longer to develop but may work. It’s not always successful, but it has worked for me at times in the past. What you do is, you create a falling asleep routine that you consistently follow at night when you go to sleep at bedtime. It has to be a routine that you can replicate when you wake up in the middle of the night. Maybe routine isn’t the best word to describe it, because it doesn’t need to be multiple steps (although it could be). It just needs to be something that tells your brain “it’s time to fall asleep”. Playing certain music, a certain podcast, even counting sheep, anything that you can incorporate into your current bedtime routine but also is easy enough to do at 3am. Follow this routine only at bedtime, when you know you are going to fall asleep anyway. Don’t try it when you wake up until you have done it consistently for a while at bedtime, I would think at least two weeks. Then, you can try following the same routine when you wake up at night. The idea is your brain associates the routine with sleep, so you are essentially conditioning yourself to fall asleep under a certain circumstance.

      1. TinyRaptor*

        I also have a “sleep routine” and it works pretty well for me. I use a specific body scan mp3 and/or a very vague and quiet loop of chords through headphones to indicate sleep time; for me the best has been the free Body Scan for Sleep from UCLA MARC followed by many repetitions of the “Peaceful Sleeper Brain Massage Sleep Loop” from a Loop It “Sleep Loops” album on Google Play Music. Sometimes I just do the loop if I don’t feel like listening to a person speaking.

    6. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I’ve had this since I hit the third trimester of pregnancy. I’m not actually very stressed despite world events nor am I that uncomfortable yet (34 weeks) so I guess it’s just hormones plus getting kicked in the bladder maybe? I dunno but it is annoying… following this thread.

      1. Ranon*

        For me pregnancy insomnia was its own beast (and profoundly unfair that it kicks in just as people feel the need to tell you to “sleep while you can” and doesn’t come with a side of being to burn people down with flames from your eyeballs).

        Migratory sleep patterns were my best bet- if there’s any place besides a bed you can sleep I would move from place to place every time I woke up and seemed to fall asleep faster than if I didn’t switch locations.

        And if it’s any comfort, I didn’t necessarily get more sleep right after I had the baby but the quality improved dramatically, sleep is a lot more restful when you’re not trying to support a whole other human and a spare organ with your body.

      2. allathian*

        Yeah, getting kicked in the bladder was tough, but when I was pregnant, the last part of the third trimester was tough, because my son got in position really early (at about 33 weeks), and then I had to go pee every hour, on the hour, because his head was putting pressure on my bladder. Or that’s what it felt like. Certainly more than five times a night.

    7. Numbers*

      I’m so sympathetic. I fall asleep fine, but wake up at 2 or 3. What usually works is a word game version of counting sheep. I go through the alphabet in my head and for each letter, I have to think of some sequence of words, such as A Place I’ve been to; the name of someone I know; and a food. Example: Alaska, my cousin Adam, Apples. Boston, my roommate Beth, biscuits. It’s JUST challenging enough that I can’t spiral into thinking about work etc, but not so tough that I stress about it. I give myself permission to skip Q and X. :)

      1. 00ff00Claire*

        I’ve sometimes do a similar thing where I start with a random high number, say 2538, and then count down towards zero. Unless I’m incredibly wound up, I usually start drifting off after about 15-20 numbers. I agree, it’s got to be something you have to concentrate on, but not too challenging or engaging that it keeps you awake.

    8. Trixie*

      NPR’s Lifekit podcast has a great episode on sleeping through the night. Short listen and very helpful.

    9. Parenthetically*

      The only thing that helped me when I went through a season of this was installing an anti-blue-light filter on my phone and wearing blue-blocker glasses to watch TV the moment the sun started to set. I went from waking up at least once in the night, wide awake and not able to get back to sleep, to sleeping through the night consistently.

      1. Pennalynn Lott*

        Same.

        I have a *very* anti-blue light regimen that I stick to. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night to pee (hellooooo, middle age!) but getting back to sleep isn’t a problem. Sometimes I’ll catch myself “scrunching” my face in an effort to… power-up?… my back-to-sleepedness, but as soon as I realize what I’m doing, I laugh and relax.

        Also, I try not to look at the clock when I roll over. But if I catch the time in my peripheral vision, I’ve trained myself to think, “Woo-hoo! I still get X-number more hours/minutes in bed!” And then I remind myself how long those hours/minutes would seem if I was sitting at my desk. [Just came back after lunch and still have four hours to go? That’s an ETERNITY! I have sooooo much time to myself! Yay, me!]

        I, uh, also use the office comparison when it’s 6:00 in the morning, my bladder is FULL, and the alarm is set for 7:45. Would I *really* try to hold it for an hour and 45 minutes if I was in the office? Of course not! So I get up, pee, and go back to bed. Yes, it will take me a few extra minutes for my heart and breathing rate to come back down to sleep levels, but even if I only get an extra hour of sleep (vs 1.75 hours), it’s a much higher quality of sleep.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Oh gosh I love those tricks!! I could have used those in a previous existence when I did sometimes struggle with insomnia and also would try to talk myself out of getting up to go to the bathroom (now I have a 2-year-old and an almost 5-month-old so if I’m horizontal and my eyes are closed, I’m asleep, purely out of self-defense)!

    10. Koala dreams*

      Get up and drink a cup of chamomille tea with honey. Listen to some calm music. Do some crosswords or sudoku. Open a window or put some ice on your arms if you are warm. Often it helps to get up and do something to break the cycle, after a little while you can go back to bed.

      If not able to sleep at all, accept that sleep is not coming and try to rest instead, for example sit in a comfy chair with eyes closed with a blanket and some music or radio.

      1. Heyanonyanony*

        I second the crosswords and sudoku. They engage the mind but not the emotions, and I never force myself to stay awake when I might have drifted off just to see how the sudoku comes out!
        I find a cooler room, with cosy bedding, helps me to stay asleep, as does exercise during the day to tire my body out (but not to the point of strain or sore muscles). Also consider if you are laying in a position that becomes uncomfortable. Carpal tunnel syndrome used to wake me up. Bad pillows or mattress can be a problem.
        A few years ago, I would wake around the same time, and I discovered that if I couldn’t get back to sleep, if i checked the porch, the morning paper was usually there and I could read it for a bit before falling back to sleep. Eventually I put 2 and 2 together, paid attention, and realised that the quietly idling car of the newspaper deilivery person outside my window was waking me up. I would remind myself that I would hear that at the usual time, and that I didn’t need to wake up for it, before I went to sleep, and started sleeping through it more often.
        Good luck! A full night’s sleep is a wonderful thing!

      2. DyneinWalking*

        Ooh, good point about maybe being too warm. I fall asleep more easily when it’s very warm, but in order to sleep through I actually need it a little bit cooler… VERY impractical. My solution is socks and a woolen blanket on top of a regular one (even in summer – I remove the duvet and use just the covers as a light blanket).
        If I wake up because TOO! WARM!, both are readily removed without me having to become fully awake.

        I’ve also found that sometimes, my body just craves water, even if I don’t feel that thirsty. It might feel like I’m awake for “no reason”, but then it turns out that I can sleep just fine after a few sips of water.

    11. J.B.*

      In my case that was unrecognized muscle tension (I could fall asleep asleep at first but not after my body had some sleep). Yoga and foam rolling, followed by heating up a sock filled with rice and putting it along my collarbone work for me.

    12. Searching for a New Name*

      There are a couple things I’ve found help me with this.

      The first is to set an “agenda” of what I’m going to think about when I’m trying to fall asleep. I pick something relaxing and soothing — usually a favorite daydream that I’ve been over a million times — and just focus on that and let myself sort of drift free from my body and my immediate awareness of my surroundings or the passing time.

      The second was learning that in terms of productive rest, lying still and relaxing and zoning out is almost as good as actually being asleep. Not as good, quite, but if you can genuinely relax and be calm and limp and still, you’re still getting a lot of the rest value. This took a lot of the stress out of these nighttime wakefulness episodes for me, and made it easier to actually fall asleep. Trying to fall asleep is kind of futile, because the more emphasis you put on falling asleep, the harder it is to actually relax. Take that pressure off yourself as much as you can, find something relaxing to focus on, and you’re much more likely to actually fall asleep.

    13. coffee cup*

      I listen to white noise. It just chills me out and stops my brain overthinking while not being too distracting or changing in tone in a way that will jolt me back awake again.

    14. Dancing Otter*

      Timed deep breathing, like count to eight on the inhale, hold for four, count to eight on the exhale. The sleep app on my watch stops after a minute, which isn’t enough to fall asleep, but that’s the idea. Pick a count that slows your breathing without having to work at it.
      I learned this when I kept falling asleep before finishing my breathing exercises after a bout of pneumonia. If it put me to sleep when I wasn’t trying….

      1. Laaal*

        Breathing helps for me also, but I do a different count. I do in for the count of 3, out for the count of 4, in for 4, out for 5, in for 5, out for 6, in for 6, out for 7. Seven is the max you should count up to bc if you go longer, you struggle and aren’t relaxed anymore. It sounded really hokey to me when I first heard of this but it’s really, really effective. It helps me relax when I’m stressed and angry. Imagining your breath filling up your body from your toes to your head and picturing it moving back down and rushing out of your feet as you exhale helps too. Very silly sounding but soothing. Good luck!

    15. Auntie Social*

      I start imagining a house, and decorating it. Window seats, light fixtures, wallpaper for the powder room.

    16. Lovecraft Beauty*

      I found that I stopped waking in the middle of the night, which only started happening in my thirties, when I cut off liquids at 8pm. Depressing, but it worked.

    18. Pennyworth*

      I listen to Yoga Nidra and mindfulness recordings. Listening to the directions occupies and stills my mind, and gets me deeply relaxed – I’m usually asleep well before they end. Another thing that can work for me is to play something I actually want to listen to – and my contrary mind sends me to sleep before the end. Having something to listen to prevents my mind racing on other things. I try not to use screens, because the light can interfere with sleep, though I think you can install blue light filters on devices.

    19. Jackalope*

      I find that getting sufficient exercise really helps. Something enough to tire me out a bit (doesn’t have to be a ton). Stopping the use of screens at least an hour before bed and stopping liquids a few hours beforehand also help.

    20. Resting easier now*

      Lots of suggestions (from someone who formerly existed on 5 hrs sleep/night for 20 years):
      No alcohol 3 hrs before bed.
      No heavy evening meals, stop eating 3 hrs before bed.
      No screens (including e readers) 1 hr before bed.
      Blackout curtains.
      Melatonin helped me to both fall asleep more quickly and to get back to sleep when I did wake up. It sometimes took a few days to work, and after a week or so of good sleep I was able to discontinue it (until my next round of insomnia).
      Good luck finding something which works for you!

    21. allathian*

      Are you drinking enough water during the day?
      Since I started to do that, I no longer go to bed thirsty or drink a lot of water last thing at night. When I did that, I had to get up at least twice to pee in the night, but now I can sleep through the night again.

    22. Swift*

      I try to keep my eyes open, and that usually makes me sleepier. Something about staring at the ceiling in the dark makes my eyelids heavier.
      Other than that, I try to work out sufficiently so that I’m tired when I go to bed, that seems to do it for me.

    23. knead me seymour*

      I’ve found the Ologies podcast episode about sleep (Somnology) actually quite helpful. For me, it was really good to hear that sleep can and should be easy. Your body wants to sleep, so you just need to keep your mind from getting in your way–and for me, the more I worry about not being able to sleep, the more it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. There are various techniques for calming your mind, but just the realization that sleep is easy was weirdly a huge relief.

    24. Nola*

      When I was pregnant, I found warm milk and a book helpful. My other techniques were imagining what dress I’d wear to the Oscars, or mentally designing wedding dresses for friends.

  21. MistOrMister*

    What new/interesting things have people cooked lately?

    Yesterday I made brownies in an edges only pan and skillet oven nachos.

    1. Kate Daniels*

      Baked mac and cheese! It was much easier and faster than expected, but I really hate grating cheese. I spend the entire time being really worried I’m going to cut myself.

      1. IAmOnlyHereForThePoetry*

        You can slice the cheese into long thin strips instead of grating.

      2. PhyllisB*

        I have a large zester, and I use it to grate cheese. Makes smaller strings (great for parm to top pasta) and you don’t have to worry about grated fingers!!

      3. Fikly*

        I haven’t tried it myself, but recently on a cooking video I saw someone break down cheese for mac and cheese in a blender.

        1. Kate Daniels*

          Huh, I never thought of that. I have a NutriBullet that would probably pulverize the block of cheese into dust!

    2. NeverNicky*

      Baked gnocchi with roasted vegetables – yummy! The herbs for it came from my garden, I felt a real domestic goddess

    3. LifeBeforeCorona*

      Left-over meatloaf, chopped veggies and barley are going into the crockpot today for a beef and barley soup. Our weather is alternating between Spring and Fall so it’s a perfect soup for a cool rainy day.

    5. DarthVelma*

      I experimented with something pretty simple that turned out really yummy. I have about a half dozen cornbread recipes and I ended up mashing some of them together. I was going to make jalapeno cornbread muffins, but totally forgot to get jalapenos at the grocery store. But I still had the Mexican cheeses to go in it. So I pulled out a different recipe – one that uses honey for the sweetener and just cornmeal, no flour. It’s pretty tasty and feels a bit healthier. Added about 1-1/4 cups of the cheese to the mix and put it in a 8×8 pan instead of doing muffins.

      It’s such a wet batter, and I didn’t think it was ever going to finish cooking. I was afraid the top was getting burnt, but it turned out to be the cheese melting a bit on the top. It was SO good. Oh my GAWD. Definitely going to try it again soon, but adding some bacon into the batter as well next time. Somehow it just seemed to say “put bacon in me”. :-)

    6. Parenthetically*

      I refreshed an old bread recipe I hadn’t made in ages, and it came out absolutely perfect — incredibly flavorful and with a great crust, but still tender enough to make a simple sandwich on. And last night I made Bon Appetit’s camouflage brownies. So fun.

    7. Myrin*

      Marinated lamb shoulder under a bread crust on a bed of green beans. Sounds incredibly fancy – and was also called as much in the book I got the recipe from – but was actually pretty easy to make (caveat: I’m a very experienced cook and also just seem to have a natural inclination towards it, so it might not have been objectively easy, although I’d say it was at least objectively easier than it sounds).

      Over the past year or so, I’ve made it a habit to make one or two more excessive dishes a month, like, ones you’d usually only make for special occasions. But I said fuck it, why wait around for any kind of event when I can just make it if I please? And I’ve been very happy with that decision so far!

    8. Nicki Name*

      I impulse-bought a package of gnocchi last week. I found a recipe for gnocchi with bacon and peas that I’m going to try tonight.

    9. Just Another Manic Millie*

      I made Blueberry Oatmeal Bread, Cheddar Biscuits with Old Bay Seasoning (they taste just like the cheese biscuits at Red Lobster), Nutella Cookies, and Italian Sausage Meatballs. I had never made meatballs before. I intend to make a Nutella mug cake. I never made a mug cake before.

      1. cleo*

        I made my first mug cake last month and it was amazing! Easy to make and so satisfying.

    10. Kuododi*

      I’ve been tinkering around with learning how to make arepas. (Venezuelan). I was in Caracas for Christmas season 89-90 and I would eat arepas like a sawmiller. Good times and amazing food.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Ooh! Report back if you nail it. I didn’t get the masa I was hoping for in my last grocery order, alas, but I’ll get my hands on it eventually.

    11. Might be Spam*

      Two Wrongs Made A Right
      It was MEANT to be a lentil stew from a recipe that my daughter sent me. I had everything chopped up and ready to go. It turns out that the bag of brown lentils was really a bag of split peas which apparently taste different. So I end up with a really THICK and bland pea soup. I wasn’t too fond of the results but didn’t want to waste a huge pot of Soup/Cement mix. So I mixed some with a can of extremely spicy soup that I bought by mistake which created a creamy soup that was still spicy, but much better.

    12. Not A Manager*

      So many, many things. I’ve made homemade pierogi and homemade gnocchi for the first time. Turned milk into ricotta. Turned milk into yogurt. Made sauerkraut on my porch. Pickled cucumbers in brine. Turned cream into sour cream. Made muesli and granola.

    13. Quiznakit*

      I’ve got a loaf of five-minute bread in the oven, and the other day I made a completely-from-scratch caesar salad that turned out pretty well.

      My CSA box turned up loaded with broccoli, so I’ve got to figure out how I want to cope with all of that, plus a bunch of apples. I’m thinking there is probably pie in my future. Oooh, maybe hand pies since lord knows there’s only one of me and even I can’t consume an entire apple pie before it goes off. I also need to figure out what to do with the yellow squash and the two wee butternut squashes, since I am not by nature inclined to love squash. (It’s too sweet to start with, and every savory recipe wants to amp the sweetness which is the exact opposite of what I want.)

      2. filosofickle*

        About the only way I eat butternut is pureed into soup, where I can tamp that sweetness down. For the life of me I don’t understand why people want to make winter squash and yams even sweeter. Blech.

        1. LifeBeforeCorona*

          If you like spaghetti squash, roast it with olive oil and salt. After you pull it into strands toss it with the pesto, add some parmesan. It’s delicious, light yet filling.

          1. Bluebell*

            I have an enormous spaghetti squash leftover from Passover. Am thinking of going totally off the reservation and roasting it, then finishing it with a Chermoula sauce for a totally different flavor profile.

      4. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        Broccoli is one of my favorite vegetables. I’ve decided that broccoli and cheese sauce can be a main course if mac and cheese can, and that will use up pretty much any quantity of broccoli. (I steam the broccoli before pouring the sauce over it and mixing it as if it were noodles.)

        1. All Hail Queen Sally*

          Tomorrow I will be trying a recipe for broccoli cheese soup. I really love broccoli too.

      5. epi*

        I actually like squash but I have very little sweet tooth and I agree with you that savory dishes that amp up the sweetness even more are unappealing.

        I would make a sheet pan dinner out of the squash; you can really tone down the sweetness that way. Cut into cubes, toss with olive oil and seasonings, and bake at around 400° tossing occasionally until it’s the doneness you want. Add in some potatoes or something else that tastes good roasted so you’ll get a less sweet mixture on your plate. You can include a green vegetable on the pan or make it separate if it’s more delicate than your other veg. It’s great with chicken or sausage if you eat meat because the fat and seasonings from the meat will get on the vegetables too, making it even less sweet.

    14. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I made lasagna with home made noodles from scratch.

      Last week i made a fresh cream fruit cake but it didn’t go over so well :-/

    15. Falling Diphthong*

      I made these carrot burgers, which rely on stuff you might have on hand or reliably get at a picked-over grocery store. My husband and teenage son both really liked them. One plus is that it is in no way pretending to be beef.

      https://smittenkitchen.com/2020/03/carrot-and-white-bean-burgers/

      I was fortunate to buy Ottolenghi’s SIMPLE shortly before my local bookshop closed down, so I’ve been cooking some things out of that. Meatballs with celery root is perfect cold rainy night food.

      1. Hi there*

        I’ve made those a couple of times with some black-eyed peas we had in the pantry. Yum!

    16. filosofickle*

      Winners from the last few weeks include green onion & sour cream biscuits, a sausage ragu, coconut rice w/ turmeric and greens, caramel popcorn, chimichurri chicken, banana bread, green & white pizza (first time I’ve made pizza dough in….a decade?) and plain ol’ chocolate chip cookies. I do love cooking, that part of my life hasn’t changed much :D

      1. Blueberry*

        Heh, my roommate has also become a sourfdough devotee, to my delight. She named it Goldfish.

    18. Lost in the Woods*

      We got limes at costco (wholesale) the last time we went, which of course means 10+ in a bag. Several went to fajitas, but the rest went to a riff on Stella Parks’ sunny lemon bars – about 2/3 lime and 1/3 lemon. They turned out really well!

    19. Ali G*

      I’ve been having fun learning how to use the air fryer. I made chicken parm in like 20 minutes! It was awesome!

    20. Sparkly Librarian*

      Made a pesto with walnuts and a ton of spring mix before it could go bad. Not enough garlic — this was before I scored a big jar of the minced stuff — but it’s serviceable.

      Today will supposedly include meatloaf, homemade sourdough naan, and hummus from dried chickpeas; I won’t have much to do with the making of it, but I am looking forward to it!

      Tomorrow I’m planning on a big pot of chicken and rice soup, lots of carrots and garlic and parsley, to eat for lunches next week with the homemade bread like I did this past week with chicken-barley soup. It’s been a bit of a learning curve to find the proper balance of when and how much to bake; soup works with fresh bread or stale!

      1. DarthVelma*

        That is so wild! We did the same thing for dinner last night. And they were amazing. :-)

    22. mlk*

      I made a Hasselback potato! Thinly slice a russet potato crosswise about 3/4 (or more) down, but don’t cut all the way through. Bake the potato. Place small pieces of thinly sliced cheese between each slice and heat. OMG. The recipe I used did some other stuff like sprinkle with parmesan at the end, used butter as well, but I didn’t bother.

      https://www.justataste.com/easy-cheesy-hasselback-potatoes-recipe/

    23. NoLongerYoung*

      I have been on a cooking binge, nudged by a friend who has been encouraging me. Just this week, I’ve made and assembled (4) 8×8 homemade lasagnas (from sauce on up); (4) 2.5 qt cheddar-broccoli- ham casseroles; (3) broccoli-cheddar-sun-dried tomato-ham-bacon quiches. And with coaching from her, made two small batches of a mango kesari. (the first batch was not great, the second one great). She dropped off the ingredients for the latter so I could try it ( I did not want to venture out to a grocery store for just those ingredients). The deep freeze has quite a bit of meat, too (in those vacuum seal bags). I’m hoping to start getting produce from the farmer’s market (PLEASE let them be available this year…or I’ll sign up for a box)
      And this afternoon I will be gifting some of the casseroles to various folks (porch, pickup) for those I know are having difficulties.
      But I’m stopping the “big cook” now until I catch up with the deep freeze. So now I can move on to my next project. LOL.

    25. IAmOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Last week, not this week but I made Lobster Pappadelle then Shrimp Florentine (using a chicken recipe but subbing for shrimp for the chicken.) Both were delicious and not too difficult to make.

    26. Senor Montoya*

      I made spaghetti alla carbonara, which I have not made in decades, literally. Bacon, eggs, olive oil, butter, cheese — no such thing as too much fat.

    27. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I’ve been making omelettes with goat cheese. This started because I was going to fry a couple of eggs to go with the hashbrowns I was making, and I managed to break the yolks on both eggs getting them out of the shell, so I decided to make a small omelette instead. I then realized with far too little time to do anything about it that I was out of shredded cheddar cheese to fill the omelette with. (I grate an entire block of cheddar at a time, so there’s usually some on hand.) Since I had an open container of goat cheese, that was what I could put in the most quickly.

      It turns out that goat cheese is delicious in omelettes, so I’ve been doing that on purpose now.

    28. Overeducated*

      I made a lentil soup with no recipe that i was quite proud of last week. It was just mirepoix and brown lentils but I got the seasoning right (wine!) and it was lovely and not bland.

      Also finally found flour at a bakery, and made dark rye bread. I had to abandon the recipe but it turned out ok. Making no-knead English muffins, rising overnight in the fridge now, and pan pizza tomorrow.

    29. PhyllisB*

      My husband thinks he’s Martha Stewart. He made some banana bread a few days ago. The funny thing, he kept asking me things like, “Is it time to add bananas? Do I put vanilla in it?” I would say, “What does your recipe say?” He was winging it. He had looked up a recipe online but didn’t print it off. Finally after about the fifth question, I went and looked up a recipe in one of my cookbooks and told him what order to add stuff. Got to admit it turned out pretty well. He was disappointed that it was a bit dry, but I reminded him banana bread needs to age some to taste its best. Sure enough, I ate some just now, and it’s perfect.

      1. PhyllisB*

        The other Martha Stewart in the family is my son. He is currently in sober living, and of course is in quarantine, so he’s been doing a lot of cooking/baking. He texted me the other day and told me in the last two weeks he’s made two loaves of banana bread, one loaf of apple bread, and…a pound cake!! He said one of his roommates is on a low carb diet and he told Son he was killing him with all these baked goods!! (Not literally, it’s not a health hazard, he’s just having a hard time being tempted.)
        Guess I’m going to have to turn in my apron!!

    30. PhyllisB*

      I’ve mentioned this before, but does anyone on here like to try recipes they find in books? I do on occasion, and recently found a recipe that intrigued me. It’s chocolate chip cookies…with cloves added. And coconut. I’ll report in after I try it and share recipe if it’s good. If anyone is interested in looking it up, the book is Recipe for a Perfect Wife by Karma Brown. It was a good book.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yes! Somewhere either on my shelves or at my folks’ house is my Little House cookbook — it’s a marvel of food history as well as a really fun set of projects from simple (cornbread) to almost-definitely unattainable (head cheese, blackbird pie).

    31. nm*

      I learned to make pan-seared tuna this week! The kind where it still looks raw in the middle. It’s my parents favorite date-night dinner for the two of them but I had never tried it or tried cooking it before. It was surprisingly easy and pretty tasty!

    32. Anono-me*

      If people are still having trouble getting flour and/yeast; Homestead Mills out of Cook MN is taking names and will be shipping out orders the end of next week (assuming their next bulk delivery is complete.). It is a small independent operation to begin with and shorthand right now, so please be patient.

    33. LizB*

      I made my own English muffins, and they were not as tricky as I had always thought and turned out extremely yummy. Gonna make them again this week.

  22. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Thanks to everyone for the suggestions last week on how to run with a face covering. While a regular mask was too difficult to breathe in and a thin T-shirt was too difficult to keep tied tightly around my nose, the suggestion that ended up working was the buff. It stays on my face and is light enough to be unobtrusive (though hopefully I won’t still have to wear it when it gets hot — not too hopeful on that, but we’ll see).

    I’m glad to have one less thing to be anxious about; heaven knows I have enough anxieties already from everything else.

    1. Retail not Retail*

      One of my coworkers had a thing like the buff but for cold weather.

      Keep us posted about hot weather – today’s gonna be upper 70s and humid. I’ll be weedeating or mowing and giving my fabric cup style mask another chance. Last weekend it got too hot to wear while working.

      1. Rebecca*

        I’m curious and asking kindly, do you wear a mask for allergies or because of the virus? I live in a rural area, the only time I wear a mask is if I have to go into the grocery store. Like, if I’m outside doing yard work, going for a walk or hike, I don’t wear a mask due to the virus situation. Like last night, my neighbor and I went to look for birds, we drove separately, and were outside on a bike trail, no other people, and we stayed 6′ apart and didn’t wear masks. I had a bandana with me in case we stumbled upon another person, but we didn’t see anything except birds the entire time.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          Hi Rebecca, for your purposes, I have no doubt what you’re doing is just fine.

          The thing is that New York State has required wearing a face covering – it’s technically only required when you come into contact with other people, such as a grocery store, but the advertising for the executive order has been “wear it anytime you’re out in public.” I’m cognizant of people’s extremely high anxiety right now, so the main reason why I want my face covered is so that other people don’t see me and freak out.

          My local running organization actually has come out and urged people to run with face coverings for this reason. You and I both know that it really isn’t necessary to cover your face if you’re not going to come into contact with other people — but in my neck of the woods, many people don’t.

        2. Alex*

          In some places it is the law. They are fining people who are outside without a mask in my area. Not in your own yard, but if you step off your property.

        3. Retail not Retail*

          It’s not required in my state or city. We’re supposed to wear one once we reopen but it truly is just security theater.

          I’m only bothering because my allergies are worse this year.

          It wasn’t too hot today using the weedeater and mower and leaf blower but I still had to drink some water.

    2. LGC*

      Those things ARE miraculous, though! The tricky thing is…I’ve often doubled them over because that’s much better filtration, but they’re a lot more uncomfortable doubled over. I can still breathe through them, but my face gets HOT. But on the other hand…like, honestly, I think people just want to see our faces covered, and not HOW they’re covered.

      (Before I got actual masks, I did use them folded over to go to the store, and they were pretty comfortable. It was mid-April, though.)

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I’m not going to try to double them. I’m not so concerned about the virus (well, of course I’m worried) as I am about not freaking other people on the road out… so for my purposes, just having a covering at all is sufficient, I think.

        1. LGC*

          I’m just way too conscientious (okay, I’m way too conscientious about appearing conscientious)! Usually what I’ve done is folded mine in half before putting it on so it actually is a more solid barrier when I’m running past people – it feels a bit flimsy in a single layer for me. I should probably take my own advice for once and just wear it single-layer (probably if/when I explore the local plague trail).

          1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

            If people are actually getting close enough to you to even be able to tell that your face covering is too thin, there’s… something very wrong with that scenario.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          I agree with the article, but I’ve given up trying to fight it.

        2. Alex*

          Totally agree with this article, but on the other hand, I don’t want to get fined.

    4. Call me St. Vincent*

      I got some cloth face coverings from Nine Line Apparel and I actually think they are the most breathable. I haven’t tried running with one, but I did take a couple mile walk and was surprised at how easy it was to breathe in it. I am not sure how protective it is because it is so breathable, but if I had to run in a mask/face covering, I would do it in that one.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I took a walk today without a mask. The only people I saw were kids in the front yard right up against their house, and people messing around in their garages. I think the shop towel mask would work pretty well, as light as it is. I kind of wish I’d worn it today; I sneezed a lot when I got back inside. Stupid pollen!

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Here, its mandatory to wear a mask on public transport or when shopping. I have noticed the social distancing seems to have been relaxed slightly.

        Yesterday, I was in the supermarket, then took the lift to the ground floor. (It’s in a shopping complex with part of it underground) I was pressing the floor button when a man barged in. Thankfully he was wearing a mask, but these are small lifts so distancing isn’t going to happen.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Yikes! I wear one when I go to the grocery store. I also wore one when I went to buy the sewing machine. I plan to keep wearing them when I go shopping anywhere for the foreseeable future because covidiots.

          The county we’re currently in is reopening on Monday, but BiggerCity and its county are staying locked down, which means no interviews in City (not that I would get one anyway).

  23. Retail not Retail*

    What are some positive things you’ve noticed during shutdown/quarantine/social distancing?

    Childish – the free HBO (finished the wire!), the changes in pokemon go, having my library books much longer than expected.

    Financial – I know it’s not good, I’m surprised more people aren’t discussing the effects, but dang low gas prices. (I still go to work.)

    Doctors – PT over video, very weird, won’t do that again. Other specialist – oh so good. Their office is miles away and I always have to wait and then drive on busy roads in rush hour.

    My car lease ends next week and I knew I wanted to buy it (no commentary on that decision please). I called the company and was like hey I don’t want to go to a dealership, what can I do? I’m in a state that allows direct purchasing, I got the loan online, I faxed in the odometer form so simple!

    1. Retail not Retail*

      About libraries – I have a nonresident city card and I got it last spring. Don’t remember one, so I filled out their question form online. It was set to expire in July, now moved to October!

      I have to pay for it. But I definitely get my money’s worth!

    2. glitter crayon*

      They’re taking VAT off ebooks. This is good news over here in the UK!

    3. LGC*

      Obvious and un-obvious: less traffic…which means I can run roads I’d normally feel a bit more cautious on, or run in places I’d normally be more cautious in.

      Our neighborhoods look a bit nicer. Not so much the “$HOSPITAL Heroes” and “Thank You Essential Workers” signs that are ubiquitous (there’s a community hospital in town that pulls from around our side of the county), but the sidewalk art that’s ubiquitous. I’m kicking myself because I meant to steal sidewalk chalk from my office Thursday and forgot to!

      Agreed with the PoGo changes! Niantic’s adapted pretty well.

    4. Numbers*

      So many of our restaurants are now offering takeout and we can even have takeout cocktails.

      1. WellRed*

        They only just this week allowed to go cocktails in our state. A place near me is doing it, but while I’m dying for a margarita, we can only order cocktails with food (per the state) and their menu is expensive and not to my taste.

    5. Overeducated*

      Connection. People I haven’t seen in months or years are suddenly up for regular or irregular Zoom chats and online game nights, when before it was “man I miss you, maybe we’ll see you next year when we have more money/vacation time/etc.”! Not the same as meeting in person obviously, but we could have done this all along.

      Also, grocery shopping every 2 weeks has simplified my life. I doubt we’ll be able to keep it up without outside incentive, the temptation to buy stuff we forgot or thought of in between will be too great, but for now it’s nice.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        I’m liking that I get to interact with long-distance friends and relatives more frequently now than pre-pandemic. I know part of it is because I’m no longer competing with in-person obligations, but I hope this continues!

    6. Big Moody Curve*

      Our air is noticeably cleaner! (SF Bay Area.) I’m hoping this experience helps to push us toward clean-energy vehicles. And I say that as the owner of an oldish, polluting truck. Give me proven alternatives, with the same reliability, range, and support structure we have for gas-powered vehicles, and I’m in.

      Also, it’s so, so quiet. No constant roar from the freeway (a mile+ away, but the sound carries). Greatly reduced local traffic. Lots of kids and families walking or biking. Lots of happy dogs getting extra walks.

      If I had a magic wand, I’d get the economy running again while somehow keeping the streets unclogged. TARDISes for everyone?

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Yes, I also came here to comment about the cleaner air in the SF Bay Area.

        I enjoyed a walk across the Golden Gate Bridge, a beautiful stroll minus the traffic and tourists (you can sees that I put on my blog with the same name as my handle).

        My city parks and rec department shared a map of local stairways and paths within town that I didn’t know about. I’ve enjoyed discovering those and the colorful flowers blooming in people’s gardens.

    7. MissDisplaced*

      For me some of the positives are:

      >Work from home! I honestly almost quit my job because when they moved into a new open office w/hotdesking they rescinded/heavily curtailed the WFH policy to “force” people into the new office. I love WFH and don’t want to go back in!

      >No commute! On average I spent 2+ hours a day just DRIVING to/from work. That also saves on gas, not to mention time showering, doing makeup and dressing for the office.

      >Spending less! With brick and mortar stores closed, I’m spending less money as I can’t go shopping for much beyond necessities.

      >Cooking more. The extra time allotted from not commuting means I can cook more healthier meals at home instead of eating out or getting takeout. Though I do miss going to a restaurant sometimes.

      >Buying less clothing! If WFH becomes extended, I realized that I could quite possibly not have to buy any more dressy clothing for several years. That’s how much clothing I have dedicated to “the office.” With WFH it’s simply not needed. I feel less fast fashion is better for the planet overall, though I do love clothes.

      I guess really a lot of my positives revolve around being WFH now. I’ve always wanted to try a full-time WFH job, but they were exceptionally hard to find.

      1. Retail not Retail*

        We’ve had benefits at work – cut hours without cutting pay is the big one. Another advantage of being closed is being able to drive wherever we want, wear headphones or play music, and if no Boss is there, wear different clothes.

        I also stayed over an hour walking after lunch today bc hey the park attractions are still here and this’ll probably be the last day without guests, enjoy the freedom.

    8. Torrance*

      With everyone forced to stay inside, a lot of things went virtual (socialising, DnD sessions, etc). As someone with debilitating social anxiety (w/ agoraphobia), it feels like the world has finally been made open for me. Virtual communication is not nearly as scary as doing it in our meatsacks.

      As a non-driver, having all my therapy appointments over Zoom has saved me so much walking.

      And, as someone who has wanted the mask cultures of Japan & South Korea to catch on in America, I’m glad it’s finally happening, though obviously saddened it took a pandemic to do it.

    9. Anonnington*

      Being judged more by the quality of my work and less by what I look like.

    10. hermit crab*

      Not going anywhere means that I have not felt motion-sick in over a month! :)

    11. musician*

      My house is more organized than ever before! So much time to take care of stuff that’s been on the to do list for literally years.

      My boyfriend and I (who both live alone and are both self-isolating, but sometimes self-isolate together) have been having so many cooking dates since there’s not a ton to do. He’s not a very experienced cook but has been eager to learn and is improving so much! I think this is something we’ll continue doing since it really is more fun than going out to dinner. On a semi-related note, I’m also planning to grow a lot more produce this summer since I have all this extra time to spend gardening.

      As a couple of others have mentioned, the social aspect has been really positive for me too. I’ve reconnected with friends who I hadn’t done a good job of keeping up with before. And another out-of-work musician friend and I have been Facetiming every couple of days to work our way through an etude book. It’s nice to have the motivation to practice when there aren’t any actual rehearsals, concerts, or auditions to prepare for.

    12. Clisby*

      The Wire! If we hadn’t re-watched in the past year, we’d be watching it now.

      The thing about the old days: They the old days.

      This might be the best TV series ever. My family even had a serious dinner conversation about who we’d most like (or least like) to move next door: Stringer Bell, Omar Little, Avon Barksdale, or Brother Mouzone.

      I persuaded them that Brother Mouzone was the best choice to move next door. Not because he was the best person, but because he was the most in-control person. I could see him volunteering to take in your newspaper and feed your fish when you were on vacation, just to maintain the facade of being a normal person instead of a stone-cold killer. The others are much more likeable, but much more likely to draw trouble like a magnet times 1000.

    13. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I’ve gotten to attend a lot more filk circles on Zoom than I ever would in person. I’ve gotten to hear several people I’ve never met in person since they don’t end up at the same cons as I do regularly.

      It’s also been nice since I adopted a new dog, and this is giving me lots of time to figure out his quirks before I have to leave him unsupervised for very long. (I am learning just how high he can reach and what kinds of things he’s likely to counter-surf while I’m home to rescue those things.)

      1. Might be Spam*

        Where can I find out more about filk circles on Zoom? I mostly watch filk on YouTube and I hope to find more.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          friendsoffilk[dot]org and filkstreams[dot]org both post event calendars. For events where you can find a website with organizer info, you might also want to email the organizer in advance so they’ll know to let you in if your name isn’t familiar to them. Filk is historically very welcoming to new people, but is trying to avoid zoombombers like everyone else. Just tell them you’re a curious listener who has been listening to a lot of filk on youtube and would like to come, and I strongly suspect they’ll let you in.

          You may also be able to find filk groups on Facebook. I don’t use Facebook and so I’m not really in the loop on those. A lot of different areas still have email-based mailing lists as well, but I hesitate to start pointing you at random ones without knowing where you live.

          Once we are back to having conventions someday, that’s also a good place to find filk, of course, but suggestions for that would also vary by region. interfilk[dot]org has a list of the filk-specific conventions that happen each year, but knowing which general SF cons have a good filk track can be a little trickier. Unfortunately, my way of finding that sort of thing out is to ask other filkers about specific cons, which is harder to point you at than a website. I know Balticon is going virtual this year (Memorial day weekend) and says they’ll be having online filk circles. Their website is balticon[dot]org.

    14. Might be Spam*

      I like wearing a mask and not wearing makeup. I found out that my allergies bother me much less now that I wear a mask outside. My watery eyes made people think that I was sad. They can’t tell I’m smiling behind the mask, but at least I can stop telling people that I’m not not crying and I’m fine.

      1. Retail not Retail*

        I went to the store after work in my standard work outfit – big rainbow sunglasses and now a brightly colored cup style fabric mask.

        No one got to see my expression – no obligation to smile at people or anything.

    15. Alexandra Lynch*

      Well, I have managed to lose 28 pounds since 1/1/20, and that includes 10 of those pounds lost during the quarantine. So that’s a personal sort of achievement. (The weight loss slowed way down, but it’s still happening.) I’ve got a lot of plans to start historybounding my personal wardrobe as I get down to my end weight, and that includes starting to wear headscarves on a regular basis even when I don’t have to cover my face any more.
      We three confirmed our relationship; once our county reopens, he and I are going ring shopping, and that way we can probably marry in the fall.
      He has a lot less stress when he works from home, and he now has a good position to argue from when he asks to work part-time from home every week.
      She is confirming that she loves coding and enjoys her college classes. The house we’re moving to is very near a state college, so she can finish the two-year degree remotely and then convert it to a four-year degree, and it’s close enough to the city center that once she gets a job downtown she can ride the bus to work, or commute with Boyfriend.

      We’ve had a lot of time to talk over what changes we want to make to the new house and what of those can wait a little bit (Fixing the giant-ass picture window previous owner put in master bedroom….hell0, people like to have the option to darken their bedroom!) and the things that cannot (vinyl flooring in the bedrooms?! That’ll be going away before we move in! Main stairway removed?! Putting that back before I buy a couch to fit in that room. The former servant’s stairway is not to code and I don’t want to try to carry a laundry basket up it with a cat who suddenly decides to make it upstairs before I do.)

      There will also be some wiring upgrades to be done so that the house can support two home offices and the power draw of two people doing a lot of computer work/running their own server. Also I get to totally redo the kitchen. Same footprint, can’t move doors and windows, but I CAN get all new appliances and cabinets and move the stove plug. The COVID-19 situation has allowed me much leisure to think and read on the topic, and I feel far more confident about my ability as a cook to plan a space that works for me.
      On the other end of the move, I’ve had time to clean things out more and make my cabinets and closets look nice. I personally would open closets and cabinets if I looked at a house (have to see what storage I’d get to work with, and does the sink leak?) and so I’m making things tidy for when that happens. However, all the artificial flower arrangements are shut up in boxes until the day of showing because there is a half-grown black kitten who believes that she must bite them. It’s giving us time for getting things like moving covers for the mattresses over several weeks instead of in one big expensive rush, and letting us pay down the credit card before we have to draw on it again for the actual moving expenses.

  24. Dye Virgin*

    I’m thinking of dyeing the tips of my hair using an instant spray dye, which lasts until the next time you wash your hair. Anyone ever tried this? What should I know before I buy the thing?

    1. TechWorker*

      Spray dye usually makes your hair kinda brittle (it’s basically like hairspray, at least the ones I’ve used) but is fun to try out!

      If you have very pale or bleached hair it can really take colour so you need to be a bit more wary (says someone who’s blue ‘6 washes’ dye lasted about 6 months) :)

    2. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      I tried a Loreal blue spray dye yesterday! Just in case, you need to apply it from a distance to avoid stainin your clothes.

      1. Dye Virgin*

        This is the one I’m thinking of buying! Does it come off easily? How many times do you have to spray to get a good colouring?

        1. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

          Yes! It comes off easily, just normal soap or shampoo. I applied a couple of times to make it really visible, but I would do it with underwear only and in front of a mirror to be sure.

      2. Dancing Otter*

        Wouldn’t the spray spread further if you hold it at a distance?
        Thanks for the warning, TechWorker – I’m going green this weekend, over my natural dishwater blond and silver. The streak I did last month faded quickly (from bright to pastel) but is definitely still visible. My daughter, who has had fantasy color for a couple of years now, tells me that washing with hot water makes the semipermanent color wash out sooner. (I’d rather color more often than bathe in cold water, but thanks for the warning, dear.) She uses a color depositing shampoo/conditioner to maintain her color between touch ups.

    3. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I used Colorista about a year ago and I hated the texture it left my hair. I also did not like that the color constantly transferred. Many of my pillowcases were tinted and because I have a tendency to run my hands through my hair, the tint would transfer on to my hands. I love the color it left my hair though.

    4. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      When my friends and I used spray hair dye back in high school, it created a “paint with water” effect the next time my dad mopped the bathroom floor. The dye that had settled as a mist on the floor suddenly was visibly everywhere when it was mopped. This was rather alarming to him as it basically looked like his floor was bleeding…

  26. Anon for slightly gross cleaning poll*

    Not important AT ALL but I need your opinions..

    My partner & I bought a new toilet brush (#domesticbliss) and wanted one with a lid. He complained after using it that the lid was pointless as it was too close to the brush and therefore ended up getting wet when the brush was fully dunked.

    Now… in my ~12 years of cleaning toilets I have never fully dunked a toilet brush.. I use it to clean any nasties on the side of the toilet bowl but had generally found bleach and a couple of flushes sufficient to clean the bottom of the bowl.

    Who is weird here, me or him? Do I just not know how to clean toilets?!?

    (Disclaimer, I was an awful teen and my mother never made us clean bathrooms so I learnt at 18 with I guess guesswork and what looked clean!)

    1. Dye Virgin*

      If you find that bleach and flush are enough to clean the bottom, then no need to dunk the brush. I personally have to dunk the brush.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I am chuckling. Just get a brush you both like? I dunk, because that’s me. I could count on one hand the number of times the husband cleaned the toilet. If your partner is willing to clean, then get something they like and something that you like as well.

      1. Anon for slightly gross cleaning poll*

        The lid is removable anyway (it’s just a piece of rubber with a hole in) so it’s not really a big deal, I just wondered if my cleaning habits were weird! :)

        1. Thankful for AAM*

          I dunk. But I also have a brush with a holder that has the lid. The lid pops up like a trash can with a lid that pops up by pressing a lever with your foot. So the head is covered when not in use.

    3. glitter crayon*

      I’ve only ever had ones that are attached to the lid so never considered it optional.

      I wouldn’t dunk it that far…

    4. I don’t post often*

      I’m finding this hilarious. My college roommate had never cleaned anything either. What a mess! Most people have to dunk the brush, but do whatever works.

    5. Alex*

      I definitely have to scrub my toilet bowl all the way in with a brush. I even it push it down the hole a little.

      The part of my toilet that gets the dirtiest is the part that is covered in water. Part of the reason in this house is because the water is very rusty and leaves a red film on everything after about a week, but it is still how I’ve always cleaned a toilet!

      1. An Actual Fennec Fox*

        Same here. Before I moved where I live now, I’d never needed to scrub too much inside, just dump some cleaning product or warm soapy water, let it sit and flush. Nowadays I have to scrub all the way in often, otherwise I’ll get that ‘clean but dirty looking’ toilet in about a week.

      2. Anon for slightly gross cleaning poll*

        That makes sense – we have a water softener installed so the bit that’s usually covered in water seems to stay clean without scrubbing. Or maybe just my partner scrubs it every once in a while so I don’t notice :D

      3. Gatomon*

        Yes, I have to attack the hole with the brush otherwise it gets super grimy in there, and it’s hard to clear off once the grime begins.

    6. MissDisplaced*

      You generally do have to dunk the brush to scrub within the bowl and under the rim. But not up the whole way to the brush lid. But usually the “lids” for the brushes are up quite high, like 8-12 inches. I’ve never seen one positioned down low to the brush part. IDK, maybe it is a weird toilet brush?

    7. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I use a Clorox toilet wand that has a disposable cleaning head. I don’t think I could go back to using a brush.

      and I hear you on that, I didn’t clean or anything until I was in my mid-20s when I moved out and lived with husband.

    8. RagingADHD*

      I scrub the bottom, but I guess our toilet is shallower because the lid doesn’t get wet.

    9. Jdc*

      I think toilet brushes are nasty anyway because they just sit there and built up the germs. I had to take my stepsons away because the little basin it sits in was literally brown with poop. Vomit.

    10. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Maybe it’s our water but I definitely have to scrub the bottom part that is always under water. But I don’t understand how this lid fits so that it’s getting wet all the time?

  27. Scrolling Netflix - What U Watchin?*

    What’s everyone watching on Netflix? I spent more time scrolling than watching yesterday and just didn’t find anything that blew my dress up.

    1. Skeeder Jones*

      I’ve been rewatching Gilmore Girls for the millionth time, but I’m fast=forwarding more than half of it because some of the storylines are just stupid and annoying. Last night I watched Unorthodox. It was only 4 episodes. I liked it and I’m hoping they do a second season. But truthfully, I’m having trouble engaging in anything right now. There’s nothing I really feel like doing and nothing really holds my interest for long. I just feel restless all the time. I’m sure I’m not alone in that.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        I JUST watched/binged Gilmore Girls for the first time and LOVED IT. Where have I been all this time?? I didn’t like the Netflix reboot, though.

        1. Skeeder Jones*

          Totally agree about the reboot. The storylines didn’t even feel right for the characters and sometimes felt forced to just make something up for cameos but they weren’t natural or they didn’t make sense at all. I did lovelovelove Emily’s story. She is the one who showed the most growth as a person.

    2. Kuododi*

      DH and I watched “Horns”on Netflix last night. (Daniel Radcliff in the lead.) He played a young man whose girlfriend was murdered. He woke up after a drunken bender with devil Horns growing on his head. It’s a supernatural murder mystery with revenge, and romance. For those with children, it’s definitely not appropriate, I would suggest watching after the kids go to bed. It was a pleasant little gem of a movie. Enjoy.

        2. NightOwl*

          Is the book by Joe Hill? It’s sitting on my bookshelf (loaned to me by my mom). I’ll have to read it and watch the movie.

    4. Black Horse Dancing*

      Dark is fascinating. Ozark is good. Money Heist (las Casa De Papel) is terrific.

    5. Misty*

      Just started ‘Never Have I Ever’ which is aiming for a teenager audience (I think??) but it’s directed by Mindy Kaling and I love her other show and her books. It’s been funny so far but I’m only on the 2nd episode.

    6. Senor Montoya*

      The Witch. One of the creepiest movies I have seen in a long time. Plus the cinematography is beautiful

    7. Elizabeth West*

      Getting caught up on Grace and Frankie’s newest season. I have Locke and Keye bookmarked next. Right now, I’m finishing up Buffy the Vampire Slayer on Hulu.

    8. matcha123*

      Crash Landing on You.
      Really cute and I think I cried multiples at each episode.

      1. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

        I’m going to add it to my list, I’ve heard nothing but praises about it.

    9. misspiggy*

      There are newly released episodes of Unforgotten, so that’s my priority. Also One of Us, a fascinating documentary counterpart to Unorthodox.

    11. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      The King Eternal Monarch!!
      The cinematography is superb, the actors are really good, the costumes are wonderful. However, the plot is a bit fuzzy (for obvious reasons) and the relationship between the main characters sometimes seems a bit rushed. I love that the writers don’t ignore the actor playing the main role is super handsome (like “is this guy single?” levels of handsome), and use that for comic relief. Also, while everyone is swooning over him, I’m like “did you look at the sidekick?”

      1. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

        Also, I’m trying to rewatch Beethoven Virus since I found a playlist with the original soundtrack (THE FEEEEELS :'( ), but I don’t think it’s available for my region, maybe it’s not even in Netflix.

    12. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      Also, I’m waiting for Dorohedoro to be released outside of Japan!! I think it was going to be uploaded at the end of May. 10/10 I would binge watch again.

    13. Bluebell*

      Locke and Key, and looking forward to watching the Madame CJ Walker miniseries. Trying to ration Nailed It.

    14. Lou*

      I just started watching this time saving cooking show, I think it was called Cooking with Nadiya? Something about Nadiya anyway, and it’s great and she’s so charming and fun.

      Also, not on Netflix, but there’s a new Amazon show called Upload that is hilarious so far (we’re just on episode 1).

    15. Gatomon*

      Just finished Tiger King (wowza). Now I’m working through Better Call Saul s4, Parks and Rec s2(?) and procrastinating on finishing Schitt’s Creek because I just don’t want it to end.

      1. NightOwl*

        Tiger King is next on my list of shows to watch. I started watching Better Caul Saul because my husband likes that show, which prompted us to binge watch Breaking Bad. I’ve only seen one episode of Schitt’s Creek but may watch more because I love some of the actors in the series.

  28. glitter crayon*

    So before the pandemic hit, I was referred from one team to another within a London hospital that treats me for various health problems, to have some tests for nerve / neurology problems. I thought non urgent NHS services were all on hold and the hospital is also now a covid centre so I wasn’t expecting to hear anything for months.

    I’ve been sent a phone apt for next week. I don’t know if I’m more worried about being offered the tests (I don’t live in London – it WAS a convenient location as it’s near my office – and while someone can drive me it’s in the low emission zone) or being told I have to wait.

    I did ask my GP whether to get re referred near home and they said not to, but to keep my place on the waiting list.

    I was all set to wait until I got this apt through and it’s really thrown me. I don’t know how to feel. I wish I had a realistic idea of whether this means it’s potentially serious.

    Does anyone know if the NHS is only running urgent services or if more are opening up now?

    1. NeverNicky*

      They are opening up a lot of services.

      I work for a health charity for a non-life threatening condition and although official guidance says it’s classed as non-urgent/not a priority, clinicians are now offering teleconsultations as redeployment has been rolled back a bit.

      I think in many places teams are trying to keep things ticking over at least.

    2. OtterB*

      In the US, so not directly applicable, but I know my primary care doctor’s office is encouraging people to keep following up on chronic conditions. You don’t want to neglect something that could be treated and will be worse if it isn’t.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My hospital system is getting ready to start allowing elective surgeries and such again too, albeit in a limited capacity and with a lot of restrictions. (I think they’re opening up at like, 25% capacity?)

      2. glitter crayon*

        Ah, I just mentioned chronic conditions to explain why I was already under this hospital – this is for something new / undiagnosed.

    3. glitter crayon*

      Thanks for the replies people.

      It’s Guys and St Thomas so I was really not expecting anything at all this side of Christmas.

      1. Jules the First*

        They are reopening fertility clinics in a couple of weeks (yay!) so I would expect other urgent-but-not-life-threatening stuff to be coming back online too. I got a letter the other day telling me to ring and book my smear, and the letter is dated post-lockdown, so presumably they are doing them…

      2. Pennyworth*

        I think hospitals everywhere are experiencing a big drop off of non-covid patients, and there is concern that people are avoiding important medical treatment out of fear. Can you ask how they are addressing Covid-19 concerns?

    4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      News earlier said they were closing the London Nightingale hospital already and based on the briefing yesterday I think the are looking at what they can start up for other things soon. Cancer screening and other things are probably high up on the list, perhaps the neurological tests were also deemed important and easy enough to convert space/doctors back to keeping those appointments. If its just a phone appointment it could also be just a check in to triage/see where your condition is at.

      Also, if it IS serious, wouldn’t you want that sorted out sooner rather than later?

      1. glitter crayon*

        Oh yes absolutely! I’m just a bit thrown by it happening when I was all set to be on pause!

      2. londonedit*

        Yes, I have a friend who works in a group of London hospitals and he said this weekend that they’re planning to ramp up to 75% capacity by the end of May (they can’t go to 100% just yet as some of their staff are on 12-week isolation at home, and there will probably be a need to keep to social distancing rules in outpatient clinics etc). Apparently they’re hardly seeing any serious coronavirus cases coming in now, just a handful a day, and they’re definitely looking at restarting non-urgent clinics in the next few weeks.

  29. Bananahammock*

    Does anyone have interesting family history to share?

    My great great grandpa once had a fight with his wife and decided to give her the silence treatment for three years. He sulked and just refused to speak with her. Of course this could also be exaggerated but we often joke it must be real because of all the drama queens we have in our family – it’s in our genes!

    Another direct ancestor several generations ago was given the death penalty for treason but managed to escape and lived a life in hiding and eventually started a family. This one we found documented evidence and is much more credible. It’s amazing to think my family would not exist if he didn’t make the unlikely escape.

    1. Sh’Dynasty*

      Small one for ya- my grandmother is one of 16 children. All had same parents and everything. We joke that we’re probably related to half of Ohio at this point.

    2. LifeBeforeCorona*

      My grandfather lied about his age to join the army. He was 16 yrs old, 6’2″ and well built from years of farming. He had an eye-opening time in Europe for a young farm boy. He came home and never went further than 100 miles from his home for the rest of his life.

      1. Four-legged Fosterer*

        I had family that lied about their age in order to get into the military during WWII. On their first attempt the two boys both went at the same time, and the guy looked at the forms and said “You were apparently born 3 months apart. You will have to try again later, and separately.”

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My grandfather’s father passed, his mother remarried (and I guess had a few more children with the stepfather), then after a few years SHE passed, and his oldest sister (who was in her late 20s and had already been over 18 when mom remarried) married the stepfather and they adopted all the kids who were under 18 so the kids would all be able to stay together. (And then had a few MORE kids.) And I guess sister and stepdad did get along quite well, they were happily married from all reports til the end of their days.

      There’s a mysterious disappearance somewhere back along that side of the family too. Dude got on the train to go to work one morning, nobody ever saw him get off the train at any stop, he never showed up at work, and he was never seen or heard from again. I don’t remember who it was though, if I talk to my mom this weekend I’ll see if she does :)

      1. Something Blue*

        Ooo! This makes me think of all the Dr Who episodes where a random human bumps into the beginning of an alien invasion and gets eaten. I always wonder what happened with their family and friends when they didn’t come home that night.
        But assumed the family was now dealing with the alien invasion.

        On a more serious note, I once took a museum tour that mentioned a previous resident of the building in the early 20th century who left for work one morning and disappeared. The guide said it happened a lot and the newspapers had lots of ads from families looking for lost people.

        I always wondered—did they abandon their families? Did they get killed in a traffic accident and were never identified? Where/how did people disappear at that time?

        1. MissDisplaced*

          Oh man! Yeah, Doctor Who does that quite a lot. Usually the opening of the episode before the Doctor arrives on the scene. Those people just disappear and no one seems to care.

          Or the beginning of Outlander:
          People disappear all the time. Ask any policeman. Better yet, ask a journalist.
          Many of the lost will be found, eventually, dead or alive. Disappearances, after all, have explanations.
          Usually.

        2. Asenath*

          I expect some of them just left town but a lot disappeared and were never found or if found, identified in the days when forensic techniques weren’t very good. Sometimes people who commit suicide try to make sure their bodies won’t be easily found.

          I remember years ago reading an article about missing persons cases – many of them were young women who were suspected to be murder victims of the kind of man who murders vulnerable women. Two were a couple who were victims of a drug-related murder – years later one of the criminals involved decided to come clean, and the bodies were found. There’s a LOT of rough terrain where people can go missing and never be found – sometimes it’s pure accident. Someone goes for a walk or out berry-picking and falls over a cliff or has a heart attack, and no one finds the body. There was one skull found by a berry picker which was strongly suspected of being that of a somewhat confused old man who went missing in the woods. It was suspected that in his state of mental confusion he’d tried to walk home, and died of natural causes, but whose skull it was couldn’t be proven then. I bet it could now – I never heard if anyone tried using modern techniques. That story stayed with me since my great grandfather went for a walk to the local post office shortly after having moved to town to stay with his daughter and her family. It was in a tiny town, surrounded by woods. As soon as he was missed, a large number of searchers scoured the entire area fruitlessly. In his case, a hunter found his remains the following spring. There wasn’t enough left to determine cause of death, and the assumption was that he had died of natural causes, and simply not been found in the thick bushes, although that area had been searched. There was of course speculation that he’d been shot by accident by a hunter and his body hidden. His wife had died tragically, too – she fell into the community well one winter night and drowned. When I was a child, I couldn’t understand that since all the wells I’d seen in pictures had walls, but my grandmother said back then the well they used didn’t have a wall and the soil around the top often got slippery. And of course it was mid-winter, it was probably icy too.

          There are still some modern unsolved missing persons – women thought to be murdered by men they were in a relationship with or who they’d met, of course, but also others, including men, who went off in the woods one day, never came back and were never found.

        3. allathian*

          150 years ago in an era with no photo-IDs or such, it was certainly a lot easier than today to just disappear one day and appear somewhere else a bit later with a new identity.

      2. Asenath*

        One of my relatives by marriage married three times, each time to a widower with children – she never had biological children of her own. I’d have to look up the records to figure out just how many children she raised! I remember er, and, less well (because he died earlier), her third husband who was an uncle of my grandfather, if I remember correctly. It was one of those situations in which an uncle could be nearly the same age as a nephew, and they grew up like brothers or cousins. She was a lovely woman, and by all accounts got on well all her life with all those stepchildren from different families. I don’t think any of my know ancestors disappeared, exactly, although some of them moved on to different countries. One – in my direct line – had some kind of illness or injury and died young, and never married the woman he called his wife. She and their son were accepted as part of his family, though. In the New England branch, one ancestor testified against and aunt by marriage who was convicted and hanged as a witch, and another managed to get out of town and lie low so she died of old age before she could be hanged. But I don’t think either of them were in my direct line.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          My gran on my dad’s side buried three husbands (my dad’s biological father died of what we suspect was hepatitis when dad was 16 or so, she married her second husband pretty quick thereafter and he was a jerk who died of some sort of cancer when I was a wee munchkin, and her third husband was her “ten year honeymoon”), then decided she wasn’t going to marry them anymore because apparently marrying her was fatal (also economic reasons, but that wasn’t as funny of a joke), so she just shacked up with them instead, and buried two more live-in beaux before she passed. My folks are still in passing contact with a few of the various gents’ various children, but not to any great extent, and nobody’s terribly fond of the fellow she was shacked up with at the end because, while he was very helpful to HER in her end days, he also tried to rob her estate blind on his way out in direct contradiction of her instructions.

      3. Imtheone*

        My father had an uncle who went on a trip by train and disappeared. The family never knew what happened. Did he run off and leave everyone? Was he murdered? It was a trauma for his wife and children. In those days, if he had been attacked and tossed off the train, tracing him would have been difficult.

    4. Grace*

      A few generations back (mid-to-late 1800s?There’s this one branch of the family (great-great-grandmother’s parents I think – my great-grandmother’s cousins were the Chapman boys with plaques in the church for their deaths in WWI) that used to be pretty damn wealthy. You go down to their local parish church (which is only about 8 miles from my hometown) and there’s plaques all over the place saying that the font, the pews, the new electrical lighting, etc, were bought with money donated by the Chapman family. When you wander around the graveyard, all the graves closest to the church – reserved for important locals – are Chapman graves, right back to the late 1600s. They were huge benefactors of the local economy.

      So, there was one Chapman patriarch who was a rampant adulterer. Everyone knew this. It wasn’t a secret in the slightest. It was apparently dictated (by canon law? or potentially by the local bishop?) that someone who was so blatant in their sinning – and in their lack of remorse – shouldn’t be allowed to pass through the churchyard gates for burial. But that wasn’t going to fly with the family. The parish priest knew that the church would end up a lot poorer if they refused to bury him in consecrated ground.

      The rules said that he couldn’t go through the gates of the churchyard – so they passed his coffin over the wall and buried him in the family plot alongside all his relatives. Expert rules-lawyering on all sides, I think.

    5. Blarg*

      My Native American great grandma sued her white in-laws for alienation of affection when they kept her husband away from her after she had their baby (my grandfather). She won $6000 in the 1920s and then apparently never spoke of it because I only learned of it when I found newspaper articles a couple years ago. I didn’t meet her but I’m in awe and proud to descend from such a brave woman (less proud to descend from the a-holes who didn’t want their name sullied by her … and by extension, me).

    6. another Hero*

      after my grandma got divorced, her dad married her ex’s mom, so they were fairly contentious divorcees and also siblings

    7. Seal*

      My grandfather married a woman in the 1920s and had at least 1 child before getting the marriage annulled. By 1930, he had moved halfway across the country, married my staunchly Catholic grandmother in what was apparently a shotgun wedding and had my aunt, with another child on the way. They went on to have 4 children, including my father, by the mid-30s. My cousins and I never knew about the first wife and child until we were all in our 20s. One of my cousins found the annulment papers hidden in her mother’s china cabinet and told the rest of us. To my knowledge, neither my father nor his sisters ever met their half-sibling, who would be in their 90s by now if they were still alive.

    8. Myrin*

      It’s lots of little tragedies stacked on top of each other to form one tragedy, really, but an interesting family history nonetheless:

      My grandfather was/is (he’s still alive) an illegitimate child. We are German, his mum was a French cook in a mansion in Germany. Even setting aside that this was in the thirties and as such, the respective other person would become The Enemy over time, the situation was extremely awkward, horribly sad, and quite infuriating all around.

      My grandpa’s parents were never a couple. My great-grandpa – who worked as the mansion’s chauffeur – was a known lothario, and my great-grandma was one of his affairs (she was also seven years older than him, which is a pattern which would later repeat itself with both my mum and my uncle). After my grandpa’s birth, she gave him to his birth father, ostensibly because she was so afraid of what her father in France would say if he found out she had a child out of wedlock (there was evidence found much later that a lot of this might have been an irrational fear of hers and that he actually might have welcomed the child, especially since he didn’t have any other grandchilden).

      My great-grandpa, who was married, told his wife that Lyra, you know, my coworker and my older sister’s good friend, had a child whose father ran away, he and some others were helping her look for him (which was an actual thing that happened; there was a literal search for this made-up man), and since she – the wife – couldn’t have children, wouldn’t it be so kind of them to take in the child? Which they did. So my grandpa started out his life living with his stepfather and stepmother, not knowing both who his birth mother was and that his stepfather was actually his biological father.

      It all came crashing down shortly before the war, when The Wife found out that my grandpa was his father’s natural son; she found out about his affairs in the same breath, and promptly divorced him. Through various happenstances which are somewhat unclear by now, my grandpa ended up in an orphanage and with the patres at the local monastery for a few years.

      My great-grandpa re-married the woman whom my mum called grandma, who insisted on the child staying with them, so back my grandpa went. Now keep in mind, this was in Germany and by now, there had already been a war for quite some time. My great-grandpa had to serve as a truck driver in France while his second wife took my grandpa with her to her sister east of Berlin. And this is actually one of the few details of this story I know directly from my grandpa, who is not much of a talker. I don’t know how well-known this part of WWII history is outside of the countries it pertains to, but towards the end of the war when the Russian army neared Germany, there were huge treks of refugees towards the west consisting of Eastern Germans, living in what is Poland and Czech today. And my grandpa was in one of them, even though it was really only by chance (because he was from literally the opposite side of the country). They travelled by foot for about six weeks until they finally arrived home once again.

      And despite the whole war situation, the tragedy in my grandpa’s life has always been his effed-up family history. He only really found out about his birth mother when he was 24 and marrying my grandma when his incensed aunt – the sister my great-grandpa talked about above – showed up at his doorstep and almost slapped him because he didn’t even deign to thank his poor mother for her generous wedding present. Well, turns out his mum had actually paid him an allowance for all his life, he just never knew any of it because it went through his father who promptly kept it to himself.

      And the real kicker is that there were so many ways this could have gone even marginally better for him but he somehow ended up in the worst timeline: his French family probably would’ve taken him in if his mum had taken him there; his paternal grandparents would’ve been happy to have him live with them had they known he was their grandchild and not just a random foster kid their son looked after; heck, the mansion’s mistress – who was not only his parents’ employer but also his aunt’s best friend – much, much later said to my grandma that had she only known that her beloved Lyra had a child, she would’ve made sure to care for the two of them.

      So, yeah. I like my grandpa and in turn, I’m his favourite grandchild, even if he’d never say so out loud. I’d say that that’s mostly because I got most of my personality from him – I’m definitely the one of his descendants who is the most like him. But my family sometimes jokes that I’m the socially adept and kind version of him because despite my generally good relationship with him, he’s also incredibly messed up. He screwed up with my mum and uncle, albeit in different ways, and he was not in any way an easy partner for my grandma. He is blunt to the point of cruelty, often belittles his children, has an awful temper, can not in any way admit when he’s wrong, and likes to scoff at others. My grandma was afraid of him a lot of the time.

      Most of this can certainly be traced back to his awful, terrible childhood and his scumbag dad. But it’s also really clear that he never put in the work to actually try and become a better adult somehow (even though he has always taken a great stand against adultery and promiscuity; I actually have a feeling my asexuality comes from him, but that’s just an aside). And yet, despite how mean he was to her for basically all of their marriage, he has been visiting my grandma’s grave every day since she died three years ago (corona times notwithstanding) and has cried almost as often. I’d never seen him cry before my grandma’s death. I sometimes think it would’ve been better if the tears had happened before that.

    9. Ali G*

      My dad’s parents divorced when he was young and they switched partners with another couple that also divorced (they were likely already cheating with each other). Growing up we always had to have multiple celebrations for Holidays, Bdays etc. because we couldn’t have the 2 couples over at the same time.

    10. Might be Spam*

      My great uncle Wally was a member of the Young Communist Party. He also worked part time as a bouncer for Frank Nitti. He also claimed that he suggested the new name (Russian Republic) after the fall of the USSR. He did seem to have influence in Eastern European expat communities.

      My paternal grandmother had a horse thief in the family, but she always took great pains to point out that he was was only related by marriage, NOT by blood.

      1. Auntie Social*

        Horse thief story—we had one of those along with buggywhip makers. A VERY snooty lady was recently talking about HER family, la di dah, and said “And YOUR family?” to me. My husband’s friend jumped in and rubbed two fingers together to indicate money and said “Auntie’s family has aaalways been in transportation” very knowingly, and I swear that woman was nicer to me for the rest of the evening!

    11. Chaordic One*

      My grandmother had several beaus, but was wary of marrying a drunk (understandable given our family history). When none of the local boys seemed appropriate, she grew bored living with her family and in her middle 20s she ran off to the big city and started nurse’s training. She was nearly 30 when she finished and then she was apparently doomed to spinsterhood. She said she was seriously considering becoming a nun. However, in the big city she met my grandfather at a dance and was smitten.

      Grandfather had a job as a traveling salesman, but had previously worked as a barber in small town several hundred miles away, after arriving from “the old country.” Grandmother was worried about the possibility that he might be a drinker or have other serious character flaws. She had a classmate from nurse’s training who had moved to the same small town where Grandfather had worked, so she wrote to her and asked if she could visit for several days. The friend agreed and Grandmother got on the train to the small town.

      After arriving at the small town she conducted an investigation into my grandfather’s character. She visited with the local priest (who remembered my grandfather), as well as his former employer and several co-workers from the barbershop, and apparently she met other people who remembered my grandfather from when he lived in the town. The investigation took a couple of days. Grandfather passed the background check! They were married for 43 years before Grandfather died. Grandmother was terribly disappointed that he died before they could celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary. She was really looking forward to it and to having a big party.

      After Grandfather died, we learned that he had lied about his age and made himself 2 years younger than his real age. He was really 9 years older than my grandmother, but made himself only 7 years older. We think Grandfather did this because he was afraid that Grandmother might think he was too old for her. When they finally married, Grandmother was 30 and he was really 39. Grandfather kept up the charade for the rest of his life, even delaying his retirement by 2 years. We only found out because his sister, who still lived in “the old country,” told us his real age. It appears that he changed a number “six” on his birth certificate to an “eight.” Also, several times people remembered Grandfather making comments about Grandmother being a “child bride.”

      One other thing that is funny about my grandfather was his conceit that he did NOT speak English with an accent and that people thought he was born in the U.S. He had a noticeable accent. Even Grandmother, who was born and raised in the U.S., had an accent.

      1. allathian*

        Wow, what a cool story. And what a resourceful woman your grandmother was.

    12. Other Duties as Assigned*

      Here’s one of mine:
      The family story was that one of my great-great-grandfathers from Norway (b. 1847) weighed 18 lbs. at birth. This legend was told over and over among that side of the family and some credence came from the fact that he was an only child (the implication being that if you have an 18 lb. baby, you’re probably not interested in having another). I always wondered if there were any way to prove this, so I went to the amazing Vesterheim Norwegian Genealogy Center in Madison, Wisconsin and read the microfilmed records of the church in that parish. I hoped that the baptism record might have had marginal notation like ‘this is a huge baby!’ I found the record, but it was the same as all the others.

      Since I didn’t have his parents’ marriage record, I went back nine months from the birth and started going back in time on that parish record to look for it. I went back nine months, ten months, a year, two years, etc.—nothing. Then I started going forward from the nine month’s back date: eight months, seven months, etc. and found the marriage: five months before the birth of the child. Here was a plausible answer. This child was not born out of wedlock, but as we say ‘not-quite-far-enough-into wedlock,’ so when they had a full-term (and full size) child only five months after being married, the cover story likely became: ‘what a huge premature baby this is!’ (still don’t know where the 18 lbs. came from). The only child question was answered as well. The father was 63 at the time of marriage and importantly, the wife was 47; it was the first marriage for both.

      I’ve unearthed lots of stories that add real texture to the lives of my ancestors and it’s what makes this a fun pursuit. Getting into research like this would be a great way to occupy/distract yourself during this difficult time as a lot can be done online now (and if you have kids, it would be a neat project to try to personalize history for them). However, use care in believing things people have posted about their families that lack documentation. Best piece of advice: talk (by phone now) to the oldest relatives you have to ask questions.

      I also like using services like newspapers.com to get interesting detail beyond birth/marriage/death. In small towns particularly, local newspapers sometimes have local news/gossip down to the neighborhood level. When I first met my wife, we did her family history and we found that a great grandfather of hers had hidden some money from his wife in the stove. Unfortunately, the wife decided to use the stove and burned up his money. The story made the front page of the local paper.

    13. MissDisplaced*

      My family is so boring. Nothing of interest at all except for coming to America in the 1740’s. But one of those ancestors was named Valentine. Seems like kind of a romantic name for a German farmer.

    14. Dancing Otter*

      My grandfather got to America by jumping ship from the Royal Navy. He said there was a general amnesty on deserters after WWI, but I never fact-checked that.

    15. Princess Zelda*

      My mother’s grandfather immigrated to the US from Austria right before WW1. Family lore has it that when he joined the US Army, he was still a subject of the Austro-Hungarian Empire, and he got served a draft notice while serving in Europe. Supposedly, when he got served, he brought it to his CO’s attention and got promoted for his honesty.

    16. Big Moody Curve*

      One branch of my family was an isolated clan in the Appalachians, with murky racial origins. Probably white + African + Native American. In the 1800s some of them were arrested and charged with voting illegally. The charge was that as non-whites, they didn’t have the right to vote. After several trials, they were declared to be white (enough) and acquitted. The handwritten census records for that era show their race as M for Mulatto. That was struck through and replaced with W.

      Same branch: Several of the men were blacksmiths by trade. During the Civil War they took to counterfeiting coins. At times their counterfeits were in high demand, because the actual metal value was higher than that of the Confederate money they were copying.

    17. Snickelfritz*

      Not my family’s history, but my home town’s; many years ago, a traveler arrived by train, checked in at the hotel (but gave no identifying information, including his name), and went for a walk to stretch his legs and admire the scenery. He was never seen again, and nobody ever came looking for him.

    18. Falling Diphthong*

      My husband is descended from Pocahontas.

      Our daughter shared this family trivia when in high school and discovered one of her friends was as well. So the two families compared trees, and the first parts matched. The girls were something like 11th cousins twice removed.

    19. Anon for this post*

      About a month or two before my mother gave birth to my brother, a woman called her up and said she was looking for my father. That woman had given birth to my dad’s daughter, my half-sister. My dad’s family had hated my mother so they encouraged him to re-marry. Polygamy was legal and common in those times/culture/country.

      Soon after, my father moved to a new country with his wife. My mother stayed behind, which was common, and went back to her parents’ home. Her family encouraged her to get a divorce; she even had a few proposals, but she refused, claiming she loved my dad too much.

      Eventually my father’s wife left him and he applied for immigration for my mother. My mother moved to our country and 9 months later I was born. I’d say we had a pretty good life growing up, my dad took good care of all of us and we were cherished and spoiled. I didn’t know I had a half sister until I was about 14 and found out from a relative.

    20. old curmudgeon*

      My dad’s father, who died before I was born, was a real old rapscallion. He always had an eye out for a pretty young woman, and got himself into sticky situations on more than one occasion.

      Gramp Smith was born in New Jersey in the latter part of the 19th century, and learned printing as his trade. He was working at a large print shop that was almost factory-like in its set-up, with a wide expanse of floor, lots of print presses, and with large doors at the front that were kept open for ventilation in the summer.

      One day, he was working in the shop on a print press that was right up near the door. He glanced up and saw an older man with a determined look and a shotgun cradled in his arm marching up to the open door of the shop. The older gentleman walked up to Gramp Smith and said “I hear there’s a fellow named Smith who works here.”

      Gramp Smith didn’t so much as blink as he replied “yes, sir, there’s someone by that name here, why do you ask?”

      The older guy said “that sonuvab**** got my daughter in the family way. She’s waiting down at the church and I’m here to escort him there to marry her.”

      Gramp Smith said “well, he’s way back there in the far corner of the shop, working behind that big press there.”

      The older fellow said “thankee, much obliged,” and marched off into the dark recesses of the print shop, shotgun at the ready.

      Gramp Smith calmly shut down his print press and casually strolled out the front door and down the street. As soon as he was out of sight of the door, he took off running. He ran all the way to the train station, where he raced up to the ticket window, bought a ticket for the train that was about to leave, neither knowing or caring where the train was headed, just that it was headed someplace else.

      And that is how my grandfather wound up settling in Detroit, because that’s where the train went.

    21. Skeeder Jones*

      My grandfather was always a tinkerer and enjoyed building things, from telescopes with lenses he made himself, to airplanes. He worked in the aerospace industry beginning during WWII. During his early years in aerospace, he invented the first digitally controlled milling machine that milled to 1/10,000th of an inch precision. He created technology that resulted in more than 27 patents for his employer. During WWII, he found himself working on the B25 Bombers being built in Los Angeles and in Kansas. He was the chief electrical engineer for these planes. They were instrumental in “Doolittle’s Raid” where pilots flew into Japan airspace and bombed Tokyo in retaliation for Pearl Harbor. His fingerprints are figuratively all over these airplanes.

      One of his friends was involved in a project and was having some trouble getting it to work. While sharing a meal with my grandfather, he asked him for help, knowing that Bert had an amazing mind and was a great problem solver. He explained his project and the difficulty. Bert grabbed a pen and some paper (family lore has this as a napkin) and made a sketch for his friend. The sketch solved the problem. The project? The docking station for the lunar module of Apollo 11 that would land on the moon!

    22. Michaele*

      Andrew Bryson was a Captain in the Irish Rebellion in 1798. The British had a list of 49 men who were officers in the Irish Army, and the officers were put on trial and condemned to death. The only trouble was that the British had not captured them yet.

      One day, Rebel Andy and a friend were hiding from the British soldiers in a barn. The soldiers knew that the men were in the barn, so instead of fighting their way into the barn, they set the barn on fire. Andy and his friend were able to dig under the wall of the barn on the far side, away from the soldiers, but they couldn’t stand up and run or they would be seen and shot. So they had to lie in the weeds beside the burning barn, so close that their clothes were singed by the fire.

      Another time Rebel Andy really was captured. A squad of soldiers was marching him towards the gallows to hang him, while he was trying to bribe the British Captain to let him go. They finally settled on a price, and Andy’s father went to quickly gather the bribe money, while the soldiers stopped at a tavern to drink some ale. His father came back with the money and Rebel Andy was allowed to escape into the night, only three miles from the gallows!

      But he still had a price on his head. He arranged to get his wife and two children on board a sailing ship; he was hiding in the coal room. Soldiers came marching up the gangplank to search for him. The ship’s captain was in a sweat. If a condemned man was found on his ship, he could lose his ship, or maybe his life! The soldiers looked in every room. One soldier opened the door of the coal room and saw him. But it was a friend, who called out, “Not here!” and shut the door.

      Now the ship captain was really scared. He went into the coal room and had Rebel Andy climb into a water barrel, scrunch down small, and the captain nailed on the lid! Andy had a small knife in his pocket and he managed to get it into his hand and made a small hole through the wood to let in air. If he had not been able to do that he would have smothered and died.

      When the ship had sailed out from shore three miles, so they were out of British waters, the ship’s captain let Rebel Andy out of the barrel. His wife, Elizabeth, gave birth to a son, Andrew Bryson, in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean on February 2, 1799. They arrived in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania on March 1, 1799 and settled in Uniontown, Fayette County, Pennsylvania, where Rebel Andy raised a large and law abiding family.
      Then there were the Polish ancestors who frequently had 14 children, but infoant mortality was so high that many families only could raise a few children to adulthood. One familly had every one of their 14 children die before age 3. I’m a genealogist and I have a LOT of family stories.

    23. Figgie*

      My maternal grandfather was married before he married my grandmother. His first wife died in childbirth. At the funeral, the minister told my grandfather and the entire congregation that he had murdered his wife because he had had “fornicated” with her. My grandfather got up from the church pew, walked out and watched his wife and child being buried in the cemetery from outside the fence. He never set foot in a church again.

      My paternal great-grandmother died in the influenza epidemic of 1918, along with her newborn child. My grandmother was only 14 years old, but since she was the oldest and her father was the town drunk, she ended up responsible for the other 8 children. She married my grandfather when she turned 15 (he was 35), as that was the only way she could figure out how she could raise that many siblings. My grandfather had been gassed in WWI and was on disability. That small check supported him, his wife, his wives 8 siblings and eventually, the five children the two of them had together. All in a dirt floored shack with an attic where all of the kids slept.

      My father (middle child) ended up having to leave home when he was 14 years old to travel to a larger town that was about 3 hours by bus to work in a meat-packing plant (called slaughterhouses back then). He spent 6 months there, sending money back home before his next sibling was able to replace him and he could go to school. He graduated from high school at 16 and promptly enlisted (his parents signed for him) in the Navy. He served as part of the Army of Occupation in Japan and used the money from the GI Bill to go to college and become a teacher.

    24. ThatGirl*

      My family is fairly boring, but my husband’s great grandfather (who died before he was born) was an honest to god Capone associate who spent time in prison and was disowned by most of his extended family. We didn’t find out until husband’s grandma died and some relatives told my FIL. Even then I found further details later in an archived newspaper article that were disturbing. My FIL never knew, grandma never talked about it. People in Chicagoland like to brag about Capone connections but he’s not actually any kind of hero, and having a convicted murderer in the family line is not super great.

      1. Cruciatus*

        My grandma worked at Woolworth’s in Chicago and one of her coworkers was dating some notorious Capone person (don’t know who) and I guess one of his pals took a shining to my grandma. She did not go out with him!

        And in asking my mom about that story again (I thought grandma said something funny to get out of dating the above guy but apparently I made that up in my head–glad I asked!), she told me another story about grandma where some guy (also in Chicago) asked her come to his apartment so he could take photos. Though grandma was from a small, small Ohio town, she knew the dude was shady and told the Pinkerton Detective Agency and they gave her the right bus schedule and fare and met her at the apartment where they then arrested the guy!

    25. Clisby*

      My maternal grandfather (born in 1870) was the eldest of 5 or 6 children. He left school after the 3rd grade because his father had died; he had to stay at home with the younger children so his mother could go out to work. When he was 10, he went to work full time for the railroad. Heaven knows what a 10-year-old did full time, but his mother needed the money he could make, and I guess the next younger child was old enough to quit school and become the babysitter.

      1. allathian*

        Railroad crews need food. I bet he was put to peeling potatoes and washing dishes, fetching and carrying, etc.

    26. MissBliss*

      The family story that has passed down in my family is that my fourth-great-grandfather was a crazy sea captain. I’ve recently learned that’s only half the truth.

      Born in Bermuda, he emigrated to the United States in about 1840 with his wife and nine children. In about 1850 (or maybe earlier, but I haven’t found any evidence of that) he became convinced that he had a legal claim to the Jennens estate (which is purportedly what Dickens based Jarndyce v Jarndyce on in Bleak House). He began to travel up and down the East Coast of the US getting people to join an association he established saying that they were the rightful heirs, and getting them to contribute money so he could pursue the cause. He would then travel back and forth from his coastal city to the UK in pursuit of the case.

      He arrives in London and almost immediately starts swindling people. He tells them that he’s the heir to either a 1.5 or 7 million pound estate (it definitely was not worth 7!) and people let him stay in their inn for free, they feed him well, they put him up in nice clothes. And then he never pays them. In 1851, a government official says “Everyone he has come in contact with says he is mad, but there is method in his madness.” His victims call him a fraudster; the government calls him crazy. He is briefly sent to jail, until the judge is informed that a respectable lawyer had advised him on his claim to the Jennens estate, and then he is set free. However, he still doesn’t have any money, so he continues his crimes and ends up in prison for “simple larceny.” But not for long! Because he’s transferred to one of the most infamous insane asylums in the country. Where he remains… for nine solid years.

      Again: his wife and nine children live across the Atlantic from him. At the point he is committed to the asylum, he has already been away from home for two years. He would be gone for over thirteen years in total. One would think at that point he would go home, kiss his wife and hug his children, and never leave the country. But he’s only home for maximum three years before there’s a newspaper notice for his “family association” asking everyone to come to a meeting on this date, because it’s the last date before he’ll leave for London. That’s the last time I can find him in the United States. He’s not buried with his wife or any of his children, and as the family story goes, he left one day and never returned. I think there’s a good chance he died in a prison or an asylum in England, but haven’t been able to find proof. I do find him one more time in the UK, in a workhouse for a few months, seemingly right after he would’ve arrived in England. Family records say he died in 1875 but doesn’t give a month or day or place, so I’m skeptical.

      I still have questions about whether or not he was a fraudster or crazy. From newspaper reports where he walked into court to challenge one landlady’s accusations, saw a bunch of other people with claims against him and walked right back out, I’m pretty sure he knew he was scamming people. But I cannot imagine that he would’ve spent NINE YEARS in an asylum, only to return to pursue the same claim that had ended him institutionalized, if he didn’t legitimately believe he was the rightful heir. And you know what they say about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result…

    27. Four Elephants*

      My great-grandmother, who was well known in my family for being a very tough lady, was working in a speakeasy during the Prohibition era. One evening, the town’s mayor had come into the speakeasy for a drink or three and, shall we say, took a shine to her in a manner that she did not appreciate. Well, she punched him very hard in the face, and he (probably quite drunk by this point) fell over, hit the back of his head on a metal footrest/rail thing under the bar, and got knocked out.

      Now, you’d think that punching the mayor would lead to some sort of trouble. But if the mayor were to do anything he’d have to admit that he’d been knocked out in one punch by a woman (apparently the whole illegal speakeasy thing was less of an issue), so great-grandma got off scot-free aside from the bruises on her knuckles.

      1. allathian*

        We’ve been watching Boardwalk Empire, and I can definitely picture this! Since she was working there, I’d be a bit amazed if she didn’t get a talking-to from her boss. But maybe he didn’t like the mayor either?

    28. Sara(h)*

      I had two great Uncle Morris’s (related by marriage to the maternal side of my family), and they were BOTH born on the Leap Year!

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        My husband and I both have an Aunt Dorothy married to an Uncle Alan.

    29. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I have not been able to verify this story, but there is a family tale that one day a group of men came riding up to my great-great-grandparents’ farm and demanded some breakfast. After consuming a suitably huge meal they paid with a small bag of gold dust.

      The men turned out to be Frank and Jesse James, with some of their associates. My great-grandma apparently still had the bag the gold dust was in, but one of my cousins has it and I’ve never seen it.

    30. blackcat*

      My mom had always been told about her great grandfather who came over to the US from Ireland at age 12 because his family was starving, with no money and lived the late 19th century American dream.

      She hired an Irish genealogist. Turns out, said great grandfather was actually from like the richest family in an area. He was not starving. Some letters revealed he just had a big fight with his father and jumped on a boat to Liverpool, then the US, when he was 14. People wondered what happened to him! The version known by hour distant cousins was completely different than what my mom had been old, and their version included a possible pregnant girlfriend who he left behind….

    31. Katefish*

      We have a family legend that one of us got her earring stuck in a wagon wheel crossing the plains (ouch) and that’s why most of the women don’t have pierced ears to this day.

  30. Lcsa99*

    Just a slight rant. TNT has been heavily advertising a new show that’s coming, Snowpiercer, and it feels like it’s so freaking tone deaf. I can’t believe that in the middle of a global pandemic they feel its cool to air a show about the end of the world.

    1. glitter crayon*

      Lots of people are enjoying shows about the end of the world right now. Sales of books about pandemics and dystopias are also on the rise. It’s ok that it’s not your thing but not everyone feels the same way!

      Personally I am enjoying shows about things being worse than they are in real life right now.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Personally I am enjoying shows about things being worse than they are in real life right now.

        Bingo. You know what, I might not be able to go out to the movies or something, but at least I have electricity and the internet and I’m not like, having to duke it out with crazy people on a bastardized semi going 80 miles an hour to keep from being turned into a broodmare for a tumor-riddled water hog.

        1. Blueberry*

          That is the best description of one of my favorite movies I have ever read.

      2. Tomacco*

        Same, that is 100% part of my coping mechanism. As soon as the pandemic was called I instantly turned to books and films about other pandemics, dystopias or people struggling through significant hardships e.g. the Blitz. It’s definitely a kind of therapy for me, and maybe something akin to gallows humour? However, I have a friend who was horrified/incredulous that I was watching Contagion as it hit far too close to home for him.

      3. Emily*

        Yeah, I think that people cope in different ways! And that’s fine, as long as everyone can opt out of things that make them uncomfortable.

        One of my favorite video game streamers (really the only one I watch) has been declaring different streams okay and not okay to talk/joke about the novel coronavirus. Her Animal Crossing streams have been mostly free of virus talk, for instance, but her playthrough of the Resident Evil 2 remake (which is literally a game about a zombie virus outbreak) has not been.

    2. TechWorker*

      Not sure if the show is the same as the film of the name (same director as Parasite which won all those awards recently) – but the film is really good. Dark, and probably avoid if you don’t like that sort of thing but it’s on UK Netflix at least, I watched it a while back and was thinking of rewatching with my other half.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Yes, it’s based on the film. The show’s been in development hell for awhile so I hope it’s good.

        1. Nessun*

          ^^this. Also, the film is incredible but NOT for the faint of heart. I wouldn’t want to watch it again anytime soon (and not due to the current events, just because it was hard), but it was really amazing. I’m looking forward to the series if and when, but that movie got me in the feels.

          1. allathian*

            It got me, too. I’m glad I’ve seen it once, but I don’t want to see it again. And certainly not the show…

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Bong Joon Ho! I love his stuff. Snowpiercer is awesome and if you haven’t seen it, go on Netflix and watch Okja. He also directed a monster movie called The Host. It’s the one with the big mutant fish (trust me, it’s really good).

        1. Nessun*

          The Host was awesome!! I keep forgetting to watch Okja for some reason…need to fix that.

    3. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      I doubt the poster was calling for outright censorship of Snowpiercer. That said, I won’t be watching it either. I can’t deal with end-of-the-world stuff right now. Even the one minute of news I watch per day spikes my anxiety. But if that’s your thing, hey, whatever floats your boat!

      1. glitter crayon*

        Sure, I just don’t think it’s that tone deaf.

        Personally I am more aggravated by the stupid Uber adverts saying to stay home.

        1. glitter crayon*

          Not because staying home is stupid I hasten to add – it’s just such opportunistic marketing!

        2. TechWorker*

          Personally I am way more stressed out by government ads warning people to stay home. They’ve purchased them on every channel and whilst I *totally* understand why, it stresses me out a lot. (I am obviously staying home… but it would nice to forget that for a short period of time!)

    4. ThatGirl*

      It’s based on a movie and has been in development a long time. Technically it’s after the end of the world ;) would you be offended by Walking Dead or Hunger Games promos? It’s still in production but Station Eleven is much more … prescient, shall we say, since it’s about a pandemic and the aftereffects.

    5. BlackBelt Jones*

      Here’s a parallel, I think. This is based upon memory.

      We had the horrific events of 911, and the show “24”, with Kiefer Sutherland was scheduled to start its first season in September or October. If you’re unaware, “24” was a fictional, action-packed show whose main theme was TERRORISM. I think I recall some sort of issue/public outcry about the subject matter, because of 911. The show actually started later than originally planned, because of that event and the outcry.

    6. fhqwhgads*

      It’s based on a movie and was in the works for quite a while. Given that networks are probably going to run out of new content before they can resume production, to me it’s very logical that TNT is heavily advertising their new, scripted, in the can show that has quite a few name-ey actors in it.

      1. Honoria*

        It’s on youtube, broken into its 4 parts.
        When things first got hairy, I immediately rewatched Part 1

    8. Fikly*

      I know nothing about the show, but tone deaf would be airing a show about the world ending via a plague. A show about the world ending through other means? That’s not tone deaf.

      It’s like how after 9/11, movies about planes being hijacked were put on hold, but not all movies about terrorism.

    9. Oska*

      I was halfway through Guillermo del Toro’s “The Strain” when the pandemic hit. It’s about a virus that nearly ends the world. The part where the virus turned people into vampires helped keep it nicely unrealistic, but it sure took on a whole different tone as an actual pandemic unfolded at the same time.

  31. Misty*

    Thank you for everyone’s kind words last week when I posted about having one of the worst days of my life. It really meant a lot to me.

    TW for mental health for the following.

    I ended up hospitalized Monday until yesterday afternoon because I kept having panic attacks and could not calm down. I feel much better now although I’ve only been home for less than 24 hours. Life before Monday feels like a long time ago.

    3. NeonFireworks*

      So glad to hear you’re doing okay! I had a Worst Day just like this years ago, and should have gone to the hospital, but didn’t. I still regret not getting treatment.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I am glad you got some in-person support for that. There’s lotsa stuff that probably shouldn’t be said on the net, so having people around you is important. You do sound a bit better, I hope it continues for you.

    7. Not A Manager*

      You’ve been going through an awful lot. I’m so glad you got good help. Please let us know how things are going.

    8. Jean (just Jean)*

      Thank you for the update. May things continue to get better. Take care of yourself.

  32. Faraday*

    I’m having surgery (ureteroscopy with laser lithotripsy) next week to remove a kidney that I haven’t been able to pass. I’m pretty terrified as I’ve never had surgery before. Has anyone else here had this done before? Obviously I’ll be asking my doctor what to expect, but I’d like to hear from others who have actually been through the procedure themselves.

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I can’t speak as a patient but I’ve seen a million of these as an anesthesiologist. You’ll be asleep for the procedure. In my experience, people aren’t typically in much or any pain after. What people do complain about (probably from bladder/urethra irritation) is the feeling of needing to go to the bathroom after – that combined with disorientation from anesthesia means you will ask for a bed pan or urinal about a thousand times in the recovery room despite being reminded your bladder is empty. Typically home the same day with just over the counter stuff (Tylenol, etc) being needed if anything.

    2. Beth*

      I’ve had these done five or six times, because I couldn’t pass the little buggers after regular lithotripsy. It’s a relatively easy surgery, the general anesthesia is used because, as my last doc said, “Nobody could stay still enough for this!”. There’s no cutting, they just thread the laser up to the stone, and blast it. I was given photos of the last one
      Once the stone is broken up, they put a stent in to line the ureter so you can pass any pieces without damaging the ureter. That stays in for 7-14 days. I will be honest, that was the most unpleasant part for me. It made me feel like I was having a bladder spasm every time I had to urinate. I’d call it 20% painful, 80% weird sensation. The stent removal was done in an office visit, and it felt almost inappropriately good.
      I hope this helps. Good luck!

      1. Faraday*

        Thanks! What were your pain levels like after surgery and during the recovery process? That’s one thing that really has me worried.

    3. Kuododi*

      I’ve not had the procedure in the past, however on Thursday May 7 I’ll be having the same thing done to me. (Lots of prayers for us both.). I’ve had various surgeries in the past. I can say on an emotional level, personally I find anticipation of what is coming is worse than the actual experience. I find good information, meditation, music and the common sense advice regarding food, sleep and physical activity to be most helpful. My very best regards to you. Kuododi

      1. Faraday*

        My surgery is on Friday May 8th. Thanks for the suggestions- I know it probably won’t be as bad as I’m imagining it will be, or at least I sincerely hope it won’t be! Good luck with everything!

  33. AshamedAnon*

    I feel like such an idiot.

    I’ve been dating a man on and off since 2015 when I was 18 in college. He was 42 at the time. I found out a year ago that he had a partner and he said that they never had sex, slept in the same room, and were basically roommates. He promised me that he would leave her. I’m 23 now, and he is 47. We met when he presented about his business at my college class.

    I broke up with him last night because this has been affecting me a lot mentally. I cry all the time. I know I should have broken up with him earlier when I found out. I feel like an idiot because I never wanted to be the other woman but then when I found out, I didn’t end things because I felt blindsided, heartbroken, ashamed and confused. I didn’t tell anyone who knows me like my friends or therapist. I am so ashamed of my behavior and the fact that I still love him. I am so ashamed.

    1. Anonnington*

      It’s not your fault. He was dishonest. You didn’t do anything wrong. You can only go by the information you’re given. He put you in a tough spot.

      It’s good that you ended it. I know the emotional side of this kind of thing can be hard, but you really can’t trust someone who would fail to disclose something so basic.

      It sounds like you have good judgment, and I hope you find someone more deserving of your love.

    2. Socks and Sandals*

      Yes, don’t feel ashamed that he lied to you! He is the problem. You deserve better.

    3. ThatGirl*

      You were and are young; you’re not an idiot. You were manipulated by a much older man who lied to you. Be kind to yourself. I strongly suggest talking about this with your therapist, and just as a general rule, men over, say, 30 who date college students usually do so because they know women their own age won’t put up with their crap.

      1. AshamedAnon*

        At the time I didn’t really question why he wanted to be with me because our conversations were and are really amazing but I can see now that because I’m younger and have been focused on classes, I didn’t question things he did because it wasn’t things that I thought was red flags until looking back now. If that makes sense. I think you’re right and someone older would have realized that he was up to no good in some instances.

        I am going to try to tell my therapist this week when I “see” him on teletherapy. I feel ashamed that I didn’t break things off with him right away when I found out and instead I literally believed him when he said he was leaving her for me and that we would move in together. Like literally I thought that was going to happen because he said he loved me. Lol I feel super dumb now because it’s been a year and that’s not happening clearly. And even if he did leave her for me, I shouldn’t want to be with someone who would cheat on their s/o because that’s literally horrible and I feel sick thinking of my part in what he’s done to her. Last night he told me he can’t leave her because it would upend his whole life but he wishes that he could be with me and he still wants to keep me around and then he cried. And that’s when I broke things off, but I’m thinking maybe I should block his number too because we’re still talking. He wants to be friends until I’m doing better because he said he’s concerned about me (because of all the crying and pandemic isolation) but I think maybe I’d feel better with distance from him.

          1. AshamedAnon*

            Okay I will, thank you. I don’t really want to talk to him anyways and I think talking to him makes it harder to think, if that makes sense.

            2. tangerineRose*

              I think he’s manipulative and is trying to take advantage of you. Blocking his number would be a good thing to do.

        2. Marthooh*

          You still love the person you thought he was, and you’re ashamed of the person he turned out to be. These are completely natural feelings to have when you just broke up him last night! There really isn’t anything to say to make you feel better; just give yourself some time to process the betrayal and get over the pain of it. I’m glad you have a therapist to help.

          As for being “friends” – maybe his intentions are good, but it’s a bad idea. There’s nothing he can do for you that would actually help, and he’d just end up trying to get you back in his life.

        3. ThatGirl*

          I agree, block his number. Never talk to him again. You’re not dumb, you’re learning! He was and is shitty, it’s not your fault.

        4. Courageous cat*

          Girl, the closer you get to being in the age range of “‘it’s normal/healthy to date a 42 year old”, like in your 30s, you’ll realize more and more that how creepy and manipulative and sad his behaviors more than likely were, because you’ll see how young you really were at the time.

          Get distance. Tell him to find someone his own age.

        5. Pennyworth*

          I so understand the shame feeling because I experienced something similar many years ago. It is not your fault that a middle-aged predator has been taking advantage of you and that you fell in love with him. That is how they get away with this behavior. Do you ever read Captain Awkward? If not, I suggest you look at the archive of excellent advice to people in similar situations to yours and how to move on in a healthy way.

        6. LGC*

          …just so you know, I am in a full-body cringe from this dude. I might actually need to take another shower after reading this, he makes me feel so dirty.

          But yeah, he doesn’t want to be just friends. I don’t think he really cares about you so much as he cares about losing you. If he actually did care, he would probably realize that he was a dirtbag for cheating on his wife with a teenager (look, you’re 23 now, but he started dating you when you were 18) and that the best course of action now would be to leave you alone. He is uniquely unqualified to provide support to…in my opinion, pretty much anyone, but especially you.

          1. AshamedAnon*

            This comment made me feel a lot better and also thank you for the link to the article.

            But yes you’re right. I think he just doesn’t want to lose me. Why? I have no idea. We stopped hooking up and being physical once I found out about his partner because I said I wouldn’t do that until he left for good. I think he’s really lonely emotionally.

            I blocked his number earlier this evening and then I blocked his email but then he called me from another number to tell me all the things he loves about me. So I told him I just can’t deal with this and he needs to leave me alone. I also changed my number because I’m low key freaked out tbh.

            Last night was it for me. We were video chatting and he was saying that he wishes he was with me during the pandemic and then he started crying and saying that he couldn’t leave his partner (they aren’t married but have been living together for the last 20 years) and then he mentioned he can’t leave because he has a 19 year old son and they coparent and it’s not fair for him to upend his whole life because he’s very wealthy and if he leaves then she would get half of his money because they’ve been living together long enough for it to be a separation. (I have no idea if that’s all true, that’s just what he said.) And I was just like ‘okay.’ We’re facebook friends and twitter followers and literally you would have no idea from any of his posts/information on there that he had a family at all. I told him that we’re done and he started crying and saying that without me he was completely emotionally alone and he pointed out that how we met was a “one in a million chance.” (his words) I told him I couldn’t be with someone who will never be able to fully commit to me. He said it was unfair that I wanted him to change his life for me and I said he didn’t have to change anything for me because it was over. Then I hung up. It was only a ten minute call.

            Then this morning he was messaging me that he was worried about me and that he won’t leave me during this time. He kept saying he was really concerned about my mental health and a bunch of other stuff. I’m assuming he’s talking about the fact that I’ve been really lonely during the pandemic and I’ve been crying a lot and depressed. However when I blocked his number this afternoon, I magically started feeling less sick and stopped crying. I think that he may have been a lot of the sadness I’ve felt over the last year. I’ve felt emotionally sick since I found out last August. Go figure.

            1. AshamedAnon*

              Oh I forgot to say, the weirdest thing he said is that he WANTS me to tell my therapist about him this Thursday when I have my appointment so that my therapist will tell me what to do. He doesn’t want us to stop being friends until at least Thursday because he doesn’t think he should leave me while I’m doing so badly.

              This is odd to me because:
              1. I left him.
              2. I doubt my therapist is going to like this guy once I tell him that he had a partner this whole time and be like ‘yeah you should keep dating him, sounds like a really healthy relationship’

              1. tangerineRose*

                Your therapist is going to tell you that he’s a manipulative user, and you’re better off without him. And dating an 18 year old when he was in his 40s is very creepy.

                1. blackcat*

                  Yeah, and dating at 18 year old when you have a 14 year old child is EXTREMELY CREEPY.

              2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

                You don’t need his permission to stop being friends, or to wait until some deadline he sets to dump him out of your life. And yeah, unless he is secretly your therapist in disguise, any competent professional is not going to tell you to keep dating him!

            2. Not A Manager*

              HE SAID IT WAS UNFAIR THAT I WANTED HIM TO CHANGE HIS LIFE FOR ME OH MY GOD I AM SPEECHLESS

            3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

              Oh lord, this is so much emotional manipulation! Block him and unfollow him and break off all contact. He doesn’t want to lose you because he likes having a younger girlfriend. And the one in a million chance thing is nonsense. There are plenty of ways that he will meet younger women, whether it is through presenting about his business to classes, colleagues at work, or his kid’s friends. Maybe you are the only one he has started a relationship with but I wouldn’t bet on it. If he successfully manipulated you I’d be unsurprised if he has done it to someone else. And the crap about not wanting to change his life for you is a blatant statement that you are only an accessory and emotional dumping ground for him. It’s natural to feel upset because you have lost someone you thought you loved, but he was taking advantage of you and was a straight up liar. Don’t feel bad about blocking him entirely!

        7. allathian*

          Block his number. I’m guessing prolonging the agony won’t help.
          You did nothing wrong, he took advantage of your youth and inexperience. I hope you can treat this as a valuable life lesson and resolve to do better next time. Don’t believe everything a guy tells you, and don’t jump into bed with a guy who has a female roommate until you’ve met that roommate and can see for yourself that they’re just living together and not in a relationship. A guy who is interested in you and especially one who says he loves you, would be happy to comply with such a request if it truly is as he says. And if not, well, you can save yourself a lot of heartbreak by being a bit more discerning in who you date.

          1. AshamedAnon*

            On the plus side, we never actually jumped into bed together so there’s that. But I’ll try to be smarter in the future. I just want to say in my defense, I had no idea that he had a partner for the first four years we were together on and off.

            1. tangerineRose*

              And this was another terrible thing he did to you – not telling you he was already in a relationship.

    4. lazy intellectual*

      Yeah…middle-aged men do this a lot. He took advantage of you and he is the one who should be ashamed – not you.

      You did nothing wrong. I highly recommend you talk about this with your therapist. You aren’t the first person to be in this situation.

      1. matcha123*

        This is exactly why I did not ever entertain any of the creepy, middle-aged men who would try to approach me when I was younger. If a man is old enough to be my father and is trying to hit on someone who already looks younger than her actual age, the flags can’t get any redder.
        Guys my age never looked twice at me, and I was frustrated and thought I’d never have a boyfriend. I didn’t date in high school or college. I was in my mid-20s when I got my first boyfriend. But dating a guy old enough to be my dad? Nope. I’d rather be forever alone. The handful of cute May-December romances that people pull out cannot make up for the huge number of frankly creepy older men who think they can get a younger girl to love them. bleh.

        1. lazy intellectual*

          I get very creeped out by middle-aged men trying to hit on me, and have trouble being impressed by even successful relationships between men and women with a huge age gap. It’s just ICK. A lot of middle-aged men would lurk around my college campus, looking for prey. I remember one time, in between classes, I sat down at a picnic bench in the student union to have a coffee and get some reading done. In a matter of seconds, a 50-something year old dude sits at my table (when there are plenty of empty tables around) and starts trying to start a conversation. I told him I wasn’t interested in talking, and he got more insistent. I stopped hanging out at the student union after that. Some of my friends experienced the same thing.

    5. Elizabeth B.*

      He has knowingly manipulated you since you met. You are a victim. He took advantage of your youth and inexperience.
      Literally, your brain is not fully wired yet and therefore people under 25 do not always make wise decisions (hence higher insurance policies for that age group).
      Be kind to yourself, be angry at him for betraying your trust, and seek out support.
      If you don’t want to tell your current therapist, call a mental health hotline.
      These are challenging times and you are dealing with a personal crisis.
      Please post next week, even if you haven’t done anything yet but cry (which is okay)

      1. What the What*

        Not only was he taking advantage of her, but he still is. He knows they can’t be friends. Maintaining contact with her and telling her he wants to be friends is just another way to manipulate her. This relationship is not and never will be the foundation for a friendship.

        1. AshamedAnon*

          I agree that I can’t be friends with him. I blocked his number when I told ‘Numbers’ that I would block him, and I feel much lighter now. Like a cloud has lifted and I can think again.

          1. Effie*

            You’re doing great. I’m so happy to hear that the cloud of emotionally sick has lifted for you.

          2. Numbers*

            I’m so glad. You are strong, and your posts describing what he did after you blocked him shows you made a very good decision to place boundaries!

    6. Wishing You Well*

      Be gentle with yourself. You were very young when this all started and you’re still very young.
      You should talk to your therapist about this.
      I hope your future is brighter.

    7. Cher Horowitz*

      All the Jedi hugs in the world for you!
      That was a strong and brave move. You deserve so much more.
      It is not your fault that he was a dishonest scumbag.

    8. Bex*

      I am so incredibly proud of you for leaving him! It’s going to be hard for a while, and that’s ok. You’ll get through this, and you’ll come out stronger.
      He absolutely took advantage of you at a very young age. He is the one who should be ashamed of his behavior, not you. Please please talk to you therapist about this; having a support system in place is so important and can help you heal.

    9. Not A Manager*

      Please share this with someone. Maybe just the fact that you safely shared it here is a good first step. I strongly believe that decent people who care about you will not blame you for your actions, or for your emotions.

      Can you try to imagine how you would respond if someone you cared about told you this story? Would you blame her and be unkind to her? Or would you understand that she’d been deceived and manipulated, and would you feel empathy for her, and be supportive?

      I think this situation warrants reaching out to your therapist.

      I ALSO want to say that brains are tricky. You know that this man behaved badly, so you feel embarrassed and ashamed that you still love him. But you do still love him, so you don’t actually want to think that he behaved badly, so you re-write the story to emphasize all of the places where you made a poor choice so you’re the one at fault, and not him. However you look at it (“he’s lovable so I must be the bad one,” or “he’s bad so I must be wrong to love him”), you wind up somehow to blame.

      I would encourage you to just take a break from thinking about blame and fault. RIGHT NOW you are in a situation where you love someone, but you also know that the relationship isn’t safe or healthy for you. Whatever the reasons are, whatever happened, those are the facts on the ground. So you get to take the steps that are necessary to keep yourself safe, AND you get to feel your complicated feelings about it. He must have had a lot of qualities that you valued. It’s okay to keep loving him, and to miss those things, and to also know that you are doing what you need to do for yourself.

      1. AshamedAnon*

        Thank you, this was really amazing advice. I can still love him and know that I don’t want to be with someone like that anymore. I also kind of don’t want to talk to him or be friends with him either. The whole situation made me feel really bad about myself personally, and taking a step back made me feel a lot better. It’s confusing because he keeps messaging me saying it’s not my fault and that he loves me and that he’s worried about me. I’m thinking of just blocking his number. I’m not sure why we would continue to be friends except for the fact that he knows a lot of things about me that I’ve never told anyone before and he has been very supportive of my goals in life. But it’s not like we’re going to be friends for the rest of his life at this point so what’s the point of being friends right now, right? Very confusing though for me to try to navigate. He is one of the main people I talk to a lot and I can’t see anyone in person due to the being home thing.

        I am planning on telling my therapist this week (we already have an appointment set up). It’s harder talking about serious stuff with the whole video conferencing thing because it feels weird saying it out loud at home and being worried someone may overhear.

        1. WellRed*

          Please block him. Also, what exactly is he “reassuring” you that it’s not your fault? That…he’s not actually single? Also, he’s “concerned” about you? More manipulating.

          1. AshamedAnon*

            He was reassuring me because I was really upset about hurting his partner with my actions last night when he told me that he can’t leave her because it would upend his life and it’s selfish of me to want him to change in order to be with me. That’s why I broke it off with him because originally he said he was single, and then last year when I brought up the topic of being more serious together, he told me he had a partner but then I broke up with him so he said he was going to leave her and move in together. But then I realized with the pandemic going on that that would never happen even though he says he’s very unhappy and he cries a lot over video chat every time I say I’m breaking up with him.

            I think you’re right. I’m pretty sure he’s manipulating me with the concern thing and likely all the crying. Because yes I talk to him every day but I also talk to my mom, friends, and aunt every day too so it’s not like he’s the only person I have in my life. Plus I see my therapist once a week. I actually have a lot of people to talk to and the isolation is because of the pandemic not because I’m lonely, you know?

        2. Not A Manager*

          I get the feeling that it’s not helpful to you right now to think too much about his motives. Let’s focus on actions.

          I think you should send him a text: “Hi Person. Thank you for being concerned about me. I believe that you care about me and that you want what’s best for me. What’s best for me right now is for us not to be in contact. Please respect this decision that I am making in my own best interest, and please don’t try to get in touch with me. I know that you care about me enough to honor my wishes.” Then block him everywhere.

          Don’t think of this as a final decision. You’re not being mean and you’re not burning bridges. If in the future you decide that for some reason it is better for you to be in contact, fine, that’s up to you. I think that ultimately you will feel pretty good not being in contact with him. That might take some time, though. Maybe set a time limit for yourself where you understand that you might impulsively want to reach out, and decide in advance that you’re not going to contact him for, say, at least a month. At the end of the month you can soberly re-evaluate.

          It’s also possible that he will try to circumvent you by messaging you from a new address or by mailing you something, etc. If he does that, then you really do need to understand that he’s not being concerned and he’s not being loving. If he does that, he’s doing something that you told him would harm you.

          But I hope that he has enough of the qualities that made you care for him in the first place, to respect your adult decision about what’s right for you.

          1. AshamedAnon*

            I actually blocked his number before I saw your post. I didn’t message him that I blocked him or anything. I hope that’s not bad that I didn’t let him know first. Last night when I told him that we were over and I was going to not talk to him anymore, he got very upset which is part of the reason I didn’t block his number last night. I couldn’t deal w the guilt and crying, etc. He doesn’t have my address because I moved recently. But he does have my email so in theory I guess he could email me but then I’d block his email address too.

            I feel much better in the last hour since I blocked his number. Like a cloud has lifted and I can think again.

            1. Not A Manager*

              Hey, @AshamedAnon. I can tell from your posts here that you are a very conscientious person and that you worry a lot about doing the right thing. I want to really encourage you to follow your own instincts here. Taking care of yourself isn’t hostile, or rude, or harmful to someone else.

              I personally think he behaved very badly and you don’t owe him anything, but I know you have different feelings right now. Please know that no matter what he has said to you, or no matter how responsible you feel for his emotions, it is perfectly okay for you to prioritize yourself and your own experience right now.

            2. tangerineRose*

              Good for you for blocking his number. You already told him you aren’t going to talk to him anymore, and honestly, he’s an older man who manipulated an 18 year old into a relationship, you don’t owe him anything anyway.

            3. allathian*

              Good for you. The silver lining here is that he doesn’t have your current address.
              Make sure you block him on all social media you’re on, too. Does he know where you work?
              If he keeps signing up for multiple e-mail addresses to contact you, or gets a burner phone to call you from a number you haven’t blocked, from now on, please screenshot every communication. That way, if this really becomes harassment and he won’t leave you alone, you’ll have some leverage to get a no contact restraining order. It may depend on the jurisdiction, but I don’t think you have to be in danger of physical harm to get one. And just the threat of one may make him reconsider, although if you threaten him with it, you must be willing to at least apply for it, too. (Of course, it’s possible it won’t be granted, but…)

        3. TL -*

          Whenever I hear of a great connection with such a large age gap, especially when the younger partner is mid-twenties or below, I often think the older partner has stopped maturing at a similar maturity level to the younger one. Which means the younger partner will outgrow them eventually (and it sounds like that’s what’s happening here, too.) I’ve never seen it happen where the younger partner was decades more mature than their age. And you should enjoy being young and being at a good maturity level for your age! College was a blast at 18-22 in a way I could never replicate now and wouldn’t want to, but I’m so glad I went at the maturity level I did.

          It’s hard for me to connect the same way now though – how do I talk about the decade+ adult relationships I’ve in with someone who is still making the transition to adulthood? Which isn’t to say that I can’t and don’t have good relationships and conversations with people younger than me, but at 31 I would read “living together but not in a relationship because there’s no sex” very differently than at 21 and I hope I read it very differently again at 41 and then 51. And I think a mature 47 year old would be frustrated that a confidant couldn’t immediately see the (decades?) of context and weight in that statement, and would re-evaluate the wisdom of developing a deep, peer-like emotional connection with a person who wasn’t at a place in life to understand what wasn’t being said. The fact that he didn’t do that makes me think he’s an incredibly immature person who was preying on your youth so he could live in a fantasy world instead of dealing with his problems.

          I think he took a lot of advantage of you, emotionally, and I’m sorry. :(

          1. AshamedAnon*

            It’s interesting that you said this about the fantasy world because I once told him that I felt like I was just an escape for him.

            You’re likely right on the first part too – I’m not a mature 23yo who just happens to connect better with people in their 40s. I never thought of it that way before.

    10. Anonnington*

      I want to add a different spin on the age thing. College-aged people can be mature and intelligent. This kind of deception can be directed at someone of any age.

      However, some men look for someone who is much younger because they’re looking for a certain kind of power dynamic. It’s more about who’s drawn to you for superficial reasons than anything about who you are.

      I’m in my 40’s. I look very youthful. And I get an endless amount of nonsense from men my age, just below my age, and older who think I’m in my 20’s and/or naïve.

      For me, it’s usually really obvious because they’re so incredibly off about who I am and what will impress me. They try to play the “cool adult,” and pretend to be into things 20-year-olds are rumored to like, and it comes across as really fake. They make a lot of dubious, unimpressive claims to fame and social connections. They do a lot of bragging before asking basic questions. They sometimes try to shut down any kind of actual conversation.

      I think that, if it is possible to generalize, younger people tend to be more open-minded and to read things as personality quirks instead of cynically analyzing the goal behind the behavior. And it’s socially encouraged. When I was younger, being open and accepting was considered a positive thing and the cynical, “What does this person want and are they being honest?” was frowned upon. That was a parent/step-parent/teacher way to think. And a lot of people (of all ages) try to take advantage of that.

      Anyway, the whole thing says nothing bad about you. Just take it as a learning experience and don’t talk to him anymore.

    11. LGC*

      …dude, you’re 23, this is the time of your life to make mistakes.

      I actually wouldn’t beat myself up over this, and I’m the kind of person that beats himself up over everything. Okay, so you fell in love with a guy and then he pulled out the, “oh btw I have a wife BUT IT’S A LOVELESS MARRIAGE I PINKY SWEAR ;)” line on you. And you believed him, because…like, you wanted to believe the best in him. And then it took you a while to come to terms with the fact that this was wrong and you couldn’t do it because you wanted to believe the best.

      But then you actually D’d TMFA. (This time, I have absolutely no qualms about dropping a DTMFA.) That’s huge! And it’s going to hurt because you’re grieving the loss of the man you thought you knew. And you’re feeling shame because the “correct” (emphasis on the scare quotes) thing would have been to have been, “thank u, next” when he pulled that line about his wife being his roommate on you. But you still got there on your own, which speaks very well about your character.

      Funny enough, I was reading an article that I’ll link to in a new reply – it was written about the pandemic and people who happen to be in more secure situations feeling guilty about that, but I think it kind of applies to you as well.

      2. Reba*

        re: making mistakes…

        WHOMST among us has not made questionable decisions because we really liked someone???

        Feeling shame is a response that helps us learn from mistakes. OP, I hope the shame subsides soon because honestly, you are not really in the wrong here! The situation is painful but you’re doing wonderfully to trust your gut and change your situation. Be proud of yourself for blocking him.

    12. Koala dreams*

      You didn’t do anything wrong. You were honest and your ex took advantage of that. It’s okay to grief the end of a long relationship, even though you now know your ex betrayed you from the beginning. You say you feel sorry for the other girlfriend, but I feel sorry for you. Your ex choose to get two girlfriends and lie to both of them.

      I hope some day you’ll be proud that you broke up with your ex and that you recover and find happiness again.

    13. blackcat*

      So let me tell you a story.
      In high school, my friend, then 17, joined a meetup group for an activity. Most of the folks in it were in or just out of college, so mostly 19-24ish. She met a guy, really liked him. They went on some dates.
      Somehow, it was not until date 4 and pretty deep in the rabbit hole of “this is really special” that they realized that neither of them were in the 19-24 age bracket. He was 29!! And was dating a 17 year old, totally accidentally. Now 29 is a lot younger than 42. But let me tell you know this not-a-creep handled it falling for a teenager.

      He asked that, if she wanted to keep going, that they meet each other’s friends and family. I, being 15, apparently told him that he was a creepy old dude and if he ever hurt my friend, I’d beat him with a baseball bat (teenagers! Not mature!). They had a lot of frank conversations with each other and with each other’s parents (both within and across family units), and talked this through will their close friends.

      It’s been nearly 20 years (OMG I GOT OLD). They’ve been married for a bit over 10 years. They have a lovely child, who has a great big cousin relationship with my kid. It is now not at all weird that he is in his late 40s and my friend is in her mid/late 30s.

      The dude in your life met you in a context where HE KNEW you were young and he was being predatory. He managed to hide his living situation from you *for years.* I’m not saying this as a “you should have known” story, but rather a “there is an ethical way to be in relationships with big age gaps” story, and to be clear that skeezeball fails every imaginable test for that.

  34. WellRed*

    I bought refrigerated pizza dough at the grocery store and it has no directions. Advice? How long should it warm up before I use it? Cooking temp? Weird tips? I’ve not been successful in the distant past ( why do parts of it puff up during cooking?).

    1. BRR*

      I use my own dough directly from the fridge and bake it in a non-heated cast iron pan at 550 (or the hottest your oven will go) for 12 minutes. Weird tip, I love cracking an egg on top with 5 minutes left on the timer.

    2. Anon5775*

      You might try pricking the dough with a fork all over after you’ve rolled it out. That lets the heat escape better I believe and might prevent some of the puffing up.

    3. ThatGirl*

      The puffing is steam from tiny air pockets, pricking with a fork will reduce that for sure, I like puffy edges though :)

      I like to parbake my crust a bit before putting toppings on, it gets crispier that way.

      1. Anon5775*

        yeah, and stretching or rolling it out and then letting it rest a while, then repeating, makes it easier to work with the dough. I’ve tried parbaking too but I found I prefer getting the crust super thin, like you can almost see through it and then baking it with the toppings on it. The crust gets totally baked then, otherwise I was having raw dough in the center. Also, mozzarella pearls as the cheese took it to another level. The shredded, dry mozzarella tended to just disappear and get too brown.

    4. RC Rascal*

      I use the refrigerated stuff to make calzones. Bake it at 400-450 depending on the oven & prick w a fork if it puffs. I usually put spray oil on the pan.

    5. filosofickle*

      I find dough has to fully reach room temp or I can’t stretch / roll it out. It springs back! Especially the Trader Joe’s dough; that stuff has to sit out for hours. One thing I’ve learned is it needs to be rolled out a lot thinner than I think. I often make two smaller pizzas out of one piece of dough because it’s easier to manage.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      I move it from freezer to fridge the day before. From fridge to an oiled bowl late afternoon to rise for a couple of hours.

      My main advice is to then just stretch it–pick it up with your hands and pull on different parts until it gets awkward, then put it on my baking sheet and keep pulling.

    7. Skeeder Jones*

      I buy my dough at Trader Joes and then I break off pieces to make individual pizzas. Each ball of dough makes 3 individual pizzas. I let it sit at room temperature for at least 30 minutes. Then I gently stretch it into shape. I bake it at 450 for 11 minutes

  35. Trixie*

    Hanging a heavy piece of artwork and I’m flummoxed by the hardware installed on the back. They don’t appear to be sawtooth hangers but maybe only part of a two-part system with the second piece meant to be mounted to the wall first? There are three pieces total mounted to back of heavy frame with two on top and one on the bottom, forming a triangle. I took a photo and will link below. If the AAM hive doesn’t recognize, I will check next with local frame shop for suggestions. If nothing else, maybe just go with adding sawtooth hanger or something similar.

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Don’t see your pictures, but google french cleat. Might be similar concept.

    3. Llellayena*

      Don’t use a sawtooth anchor for heavy art, the frame and nails are not designed for the weight. I’ll comment again after the pic is up, but it sounds like you have a bracket or cleat system. So you would screw the loose pieces to the wall at the distances they’re at on the back of the art then hang the pic on the brackets. You might need special screws or anchors to put the brackets in your wall depending on the wall type and stud spacing (standard long screws into studs, molly bolts between studs, masonry anchors if it’s a brick or stone wall).

    5. Reba*

      You have security hangers! I love these, I’m delighted.

      You need a t-shaped screw (best to put these in a stud or drywall anchor). Then you line up the hardware on your frame with the T’s, put them on, then use needlenose pliers or similar to rotate the screw 90 degrees, “locking” your frame to the wall.

      I hope that made sense. You will find video instructions by searching for security hanger or security hardware.

      Did you have this framed? I feel like they should have given you the right tools as these are pretty specialized. I used to use them for hanging artwork in public places, I’m not sure I’ve seen them for retail framing.

      1. Reba*

        There are also special flat wrenches for that 90 degree turn, since of course you want your frame to be as close as possible to the wall.

        1. Trixie*

          I bought it used and already framed. Now that I know what they are called (thank you!), I’ll see what I can find locally. If nothing else, maybe this is an easel piece or continue leaning against the wall.

          1. Llellayena*

            Glad someone was able to help! They were not what I was thinking they were! The ideas on the right type of attachment to the wall are still valid. If it’s heavy and you can’t hit a stud with the screw you might want to look at molly bolts, they should work with the T-shaped head mentioned above if you can find the matching length/width.

  36. Blarg*

    Yarn crafts! Being unemployed sucks but I have had lots of crocheting time. I got a Scheepjes whirl to make a shawl for my aunt’s bday and it was the best $28 I’ve spent on distractions/mental health this month. 1000m of beautiful colors and fingerling weight so it took a while to work up even with all the time in the world. Now my cousin asked for a throw and bought me two more (which I think is a pity-purchase, but I’m running with it). Anyone else having fun with beautiful yarns?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      The Wingspan shawl that went viral on Facebook about this time last year – I ordered yarn from the dyer at the time, and finally got it in December. I’ve been cross-stitching mostly this spring so far, but I started the Wingspan with yarn that gradients from grey to orange, and it’s just lovely so far. I think I’m about halfway through.

      I knitted the mini version in a slightly less indulgent yarn first earlier in the year, just sort of to get the hang of it, but I haven’t blocked it yet – blocking is my downfall. Not that I can’t do it, or don’t know how, but I’m lazy about actually doing it, so finished lace ends up sitting around in my project pile for a couple of months before I finally get off my duff and pin it out :)

      1. Lexicat*

        I feel you on the blocking. I think my record is 2 years between finishing and blocking, and I know I have a small stack waiting for attention.

    2. another Hero*

      Right now I’m at the swatch stage of knitting a blanket for my brother and SIL as a wedding gift. I’m using Malabrigo Rios in two colorways, which I’ve worked with before and love both for knitting and for having lol. But I just can’t figure out a pattern I’m into.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I did Burridge Lake for my brother and his wife when they got married, but I’m a sucker for intricate cable work :)

    3. Dancing Otter*

      I’m working on a lace shawl (A Glimpse of Spring by Hilary Latimer) mystery knit along with Wolle’s color changing cotton yarn. Hilary’s patterns are always good: well designed and well explained. BUT this is my first experience with the cotton yarn, and it has a steep learning curve. It’s five strands of fine cotton, skeined without twisting, and it’s very prone to splitting. While I can usually work plain purl or knit rows without looking, now I have to watch every single stitch for dropped strands.
      It will be worth the effort, though. The fabric has a good hand, very fluid and drapey, and the color progression (the color changes one strand at a time) is lovely.

    4. NeverNicky*

      I’m doing a knitting challenge to raise money for the charity I work for – I’m being sponsored to knit the toy kits that come with a lot of the magazines here in the UK. I’m doing 26 for the #TwoPointSixChallenge and hopefully people will also donate to rehome the finished items.

      Sadly the yarn is all cheap acrylic but I have promised myself some indulgent knitting after this with some of the nicer yarns in my stash – seems like all my crafting life I’ve been prepared for something like this!

  37. Lifestyle sites?*

    I’m looking to expand the sites/ blogs I read. Does anyone have any suggestions? I currently read the strategist/ cut, man repeller, refinery29.
    Thanks.

    2. Analyst Editor*

      You might like Dr. Psych Mom – a weekly blog by a psychologist that I like.
      I’ve used a lot of her advice for my own relationship and dealing with my own kids.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      I discovered my modern met, which is a great art site. Variety of short takes, lots of “Oh huh, how interesting” from me.

    4. Christy*

      I like Rachel Miller’s JustGoodShit dot com. And Anne Helen Petersen’s writing on Buzzfeed and Substack. And Captain Awkward. I also love reading the wirecutter for fun.

  38. Anonymous Donor*

    I’m going anonymous for this because I don’t need recognition, I just want to get the idea out there:

    When my stimulus check came in, I didn’t need it. So I thought of a way to use it that wasn’t just random spending. I emailed my landlord and asked if he had any tenants having difficulty paying rent due to Covid. I was able to directly pay someone else’s rent. This saved worrying if my donation was really going to help people or to overhead. Given that it’s the beginning of the month again, if you have the means to do so, this might be a good option. There are so many news stories about people who can’t pay rent and landlords who need them to pay rent to stay afloat. This could help both.

    1. Selmarie*

      Wonderful! We used to own several small apartment buildings and were talking the other day about the situation — people here are proposing some sort of city-wide or county-wide stay of tenants paying rent. I understand the need, but the landlords still have to pay their mortgages. There sometimes seems to be a perception that landlords are villains or raking the money in. In my adulthood, I was a renter for my 20s and into my 30s, and can’t imagine the stress of not being able to pay my rent. We are just glad we sold the buildings and don’t have to worry about tenants or the buildings’ mortgage payments.

    2. BRR*

      First, that’s amazing! But I have to add that overhead is helping people. Nonprofits have costs and needs that may not be as appealing to donors but are necessary.

      1. glitter crayon*

        Yes, this. Not sure what people think overhead is, or what staff wages are for at non profits!

        1. Lucette Kensack*

          Right! “Overhead” is a nonprofit accountant, rent on a nonprofit office, health insurance for the receptionist, etc. Be glad to pay overhead! It’s good stuff, and it’s someone’s rent down the line.

    3. lazy intellectual*

      This is a good idea! I used my stimulus check to contribute to someone’s GoFundMe for medical expenses and Venmo some tips to local food service workers. I will continue my usual donations to food banks and such starting next month, but I really wanted to give something directly into the pockets of people who are empty right now. People are in a major crisis right now because of this stupid economy.

    5. Blueberry*

      I want to HUG you (non-infectiously) for doing this. What a kind action! You deserve all the accolades.

  39. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

    What is your pandemic soundtrack? (This does seem to be a thing now!)

    I was just in the car and “Happy to Be Stuck With You” by Huey Lewis and the News came on, and that just seemed so appropriate.

    The first week this was all going on, “Panic in Detroit” by David Bowie kept coming up on my phone playlist, and that also really fit…

    1. WellRed*

      “Panic in Detroit” is top on my pandemic playlist. Also loving other dark or heavy songs “down with the sickness” “Bodies” “Dragula.” Of course, other days it’s rare Fleetwood Mac tracks. My musical taste is pretty wide ranging. (Can’t stand Huey though, ; )).

    2. glitter crayon*

      Some songs I’m playing a lot right now:

      Tricky – Black Steel (I’m in England so I really did get a letter from the government the other day…)

      Bjork – Joga

      DJ Luck and MC Neat – A Little Bit of Luck

      Whiz Khalifa ft Charlie Puth – See You Again

      Massive Attack – Protection

    3. fposte*

      I rediscovered an old favorite of mine this week: Bill Morrissey’s “It’s Dangerous Out There.”

      Well, there’s nothing you can say that will get me up today
      Nothing you have ever said that can drive me from this bed
      You can call me lazy, crazy, call me stupid I don’t care
      I ain’t getting up, it’s dangerous out there

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        The song is not familiar to me but the lyrics are wonderful. Thank you.

    4. The Witch of the Wilds*

      My go-to song for April was Reb Day’s A Very Musical Meltdown:
      Started the new year
      Full of optimism and inspiration
      But now with four months in
      My anxiety is reaching desperation

    5. Big Moody Curve*

      Mine isn’t so much about plague/pandemic, but survival as things collapse around us. A sampling:

      Jefferson Airplane’s cover of “Wooden Ships”
      “Gimme Shelter”
      “I Wanna Be Sedated”
      “We’ve Been Through Some Crappy Times Before” (Austin Lounge Lizards)

      I’m using “Don’t Fear The Reaper” as my hand-washing song.

    6. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      I’m listening to Spotify’s Best of Joe Hisaishi and Joep Beving, who was in the International Piano Day Deutsche Gramophone stream and was a nice discovery for me. Also, I created a “this should be in a figure skating program” playlist, which is a weird mix of music styles inspired by all the competitions I’ve been watching this year.

    7. Chaordic One*

      I’ve been listening to depressing covers of pop songs by Postmodern Jukebox. Their cover of Green Day’s “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” and the just-dropped cover of Pearl Jam’s “Black.”

    8. Nessun*

      I need the upbeats right now!
      Unstoppable by Sia
      Phoenix by Fall Out Boy
      The Best by AWOL Nation
      Dumb Blonde by Avril Lavigne

    9. blaise zamboni*

      I had my library on shuffle and “We Will Become Silhouettes” by the Postal Service played. I was grooving along until I got mega creeped out by how apt the lyrics are for the situation right now. Except, of course, that the song is about *nuclear fallout*.

    10. Jaid*

      Anything Vaporwave on YouTube. Love the videos which are also a mash of anime and commercials and other images from the 80’s and 90’s.

      “Vaporwave is a microgenre of electronic music, a visual art style, and an Internet meme that emerged in the early 2010s. It is defined by its mimetic embrace of Internet culture and its sampling of smooth jazz, elevator music, R&B, and lounge music from the 1980s and 1990s, with the tracks typically manipulated by chopped and screwed techniques and other effects.”

    11. Bluebell*

      All Songs Considered did a great pandemic soundtrack episode. My favorite song was “I’m Gonna Make it Through this Year if it kills Me” by the Mountain Goats. There’s a glorious version of this song on YouTube when they played it on the Colbert Show.

  40. Four-legged Fosterer*

    Animal rescuers:
    How are things in your area? Here in the north-east we have almost no dogs although there are worries that a lot of owners will surrender them in a couple months. Fingers crossed it goes ok.

    The cats were quiet for the first few weeks although everyone wants to adopt and so many people are nasty about not being chosen. Now there are kittens everywhere, and our rescue is taking them in and finding them homes, although there are still a lot of disappointed assholes (most disappointed people aren’t assholes, but the assholes are disappointed and very vocal). With the shelters closed to adoptions (and likely euthanizing most intakes – they are typically low kill but these times aren’t typical) cat foster-based rescues are overwhelmed with requests both to rehome kittens and pregnant queens as well as adopt. Which would normally be ideal except that we can’t do some of our typical fundraisers (pet stores) or do spay/neuters, so we can’t just take in every kitten and quickly rehome it, because we aren’t going to change our ‘normal times’ policies. I’m thankful that we are doing as much as we can, but it feels like a drop in the bucket some days. We have to remember “Rescuing one animal won’t change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal.” And there are some very happy and appreciative adopters thankfully. I did the adoption process (virtual home visits) for 10 cats and kittens this past week with some excited families, which is a good feeling!

    If anyone is trying to adopt an animal right now and the rescue is slow to respond, please don’t get angry with them. I know it seems obvious, yet stressed and angry people are taking out their problems on some very kind volunteers.

    1. Ewesername*

      Our local rescue is doing a Facebook garage sale as a fundraiser. Seems to be going well.

      1. Four-legged Fosterer*

        We do one of those every year, and it’s great, but we still miss out on the pet store (bake and craft sale) fundraising. We’re making it work as best we can, but wish we had a lot more funds so we could save all the mamas

    2. WellRed*

      And I can’t imagine stressed and angry people move to the top of list for adopting a defenseless animal.

    3. epi*

      Our local ones surprisingly do not seem too overwhelmed. My partner and I wanted to give some of our stimulus check to the shelter our younger cat came from, but found they are not overloaded at all and are even turning down certain types of in kind donations. Another shelter we support closer to home was not in need of any new foster families as of last week. I think that will change with kitten season, as you say.

      A third shelter in our area has expanded its partnership with animal control. They support people who need to give up their pets by helping them find a family to re-home the animal directly, without it needing to pass through the shelter system. I think it will get hard for people to care for the pets they have as time goes on so we’ve been giving to support programs that provide free or low cost supplies to help people keep their pets.

  41. Beth*

    I have mined Alison’s book recommendations for a couple of years, and found some really great reads, including “The Immortalists” which was my #1 for last year. I spent yesterday reading “My Dark Vanessa”, and I don’t quite know what to do with myself now.

    It’s probably going to be in my top 20, or even top 10 for the year, but it is not a light read (TW: Lolita-esque theme, older male teacher, female student). The subject matter is difficult to read, but Vanessa’s perspective (don’t want to spoiler it) is not one we hear much about. Her dogged determination to preserve that perspective is heartbreaking, and the damage done to her was even greater because of it.

    I think I’ll read some David Sedaris next for a change of pace.

    1. another Hero*

      The movie The Tale involves someone finding as an adult that the reality of a similar experience was different from her memory, and I’d recommend it if you can stomach it

  42. Myrin*

    I’m finding myself in an ongoing feud with the mouse population around our house.

    I use the garage for early-in-the-year gardening purposes because it already had a sweet wooden table built along one wall when we moved in and since it’s always been a dream of mine to have a setup like that (yes, I know I’m a nerd), I gladly adopted it. I put all the materials I need for proper propagation (is that really what it’s called in English? My dictionary is insistent on this word as the biological usage, but I’m not convinced) of all my vegetables there and have been sowing and planting there since late March. Remember this for later as you accompany me on a necessary tangent.

    Now, because our flat is way too small for a family of three adults, we have my mum’s old warderobe in the garage as well; we use it to store our winter clothes, some bed stuff like thick pillows, and some bags. About two or three weeks ago, my mum discovered – in one of the drawers – mouse excrements among the sorry remains of what was formerly one of the thick pillows. She got me to help her take out the drawer and look for other evidence of mousing (there was plenty) and to gather all the stuff to wash/disinfect.

    I then went to open the second drawer to see whether there was any damage as well and, lo and behold, the mousling was sitting on top of its downy throne and looking directly at me! We stared at each other for a few seconds, then I robotically moved my head to the side to stare into the abyss like I’m on The Office and slowly closed the drawer again. Meanwhile my mum, who was standing two metres away from me, continued to make a weird, high-pitched, ongoing sound in the back of her throat, which was honestly the most bizarre aspect of this whole situation. She is not afraid of mice at all but she so very much Did Not Expect To See A Mouse that she just had to utter this sheer feeling of weirdness in whichever way.

    In any case. When I re-opened the drawer, the mouse had fled. We took out the drawers, cleaned everything, threw a lot of stuff away because apparently mice love eating the airtight plastic we put around our winter clothes, and thought, oh well, we live on the edge of the forest, these things happen.

    OH YES THEY DO, THAT AND MORE!

    Because a few days later, I entered the garage to look after my seedlings only to find their containers either upended or dug up within an inch of their lives. Thankfully the mice seemed generally interested in the plants which had already sprouted so all my plants themselves remained intact, but they absolutely loved the sunflower and cucumber seeds and threw not only their soil but also their empty shells everywhere. I swore, cleaned everything up, put a lid or stones on top of things, and thought that would be it. Well. It wasn’t. Because a few days later, like an utter fool, I forgot to cover the plants one evening. And the same scene of carnage unfolded before mine eyes once again.

    So in a (very collected and calculated, obviously, it’s not like I screamed a little or anything!) rage, I moved all of my containers onto the balcony where I deemed them safe. Which they were. Apparently. Because three days ago, I went out to greet my plants in the morning only to find that the mice had lifted the cover of my professional seedling tray to wreck the place once again. (My sturdy little peas, who are fast growers and have borne witness to all of this from the very beginning, must be utterly traumatised by now.)

    I have now been mounting all of the containers on top of each other, with the tastiest seeds being on the very bottom so that the mice must open three other trays first before they get to them, and so far, it seems to be working well. But I know that they’re out there, hiding, lurking and watching, and just waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike again. But I’m prepared now. So let’s see who, as we say in German, has the longer breath between the two of us. Let’s see.

    1. Word Prefect*

      I work in a plant nursery and we regularly have trouble with mice and rats eating our seeds and seedlings. The only thing that seems to deter them is to put the seeds/seedlings on a table the legs of which are standing in buckets of water. I’ve no idea if this is possible for you but if you can devise some sort of moat it’s the most immediate way to save your plants.

    2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      Ah, a good feud with the local wildlife. Frustrating, but also good for stories afterwards. My brothers and father left one window open all one spring so they could shoot at the sparrows occupying the purple martin house.

      You are right, propagation is not the right word. From a gardening perspective, I’d typically use it for times when seeds aren’t involved, like cuttings, though it can include seeds. It’s also a fairly fancy word . “Starting from seed” would be a more normal description.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Slack-jawed here at the idea of domestic snipers declaring war on the sparrows. Who won?

        1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          I must say, the sparrows, really. We kept putting up that martin house for a few years, but the martins never used it because the sparrows were always already living there. A pity, because martins are beautiful birds who eat mosquitoes.

          This was an air rifle out in the country, by the way, so not a danger to anything but the sparrows, which are an invasive species so they don’t count.

          1. Jean (just Jean)*

            Thanks for the explanation! Sorry the sparrows drove the purple martins away.

    3. Tau*

      I’m sorry, I feel like I should have a properly serious response to this tale of trauma and devastation (your poor peas!) but I’m laughing really hard right now. Those are some really determined mice you have!

      Our plants seem safe (*crosses fingers*) but if it helps, we’ve been having problems with raccoons getting at the bird food. There is apparently a band of raccoons roaming around town who have learned how to form a raccoon pyramid in order to get at bird feeders that should by all rights and common decency be way out of their reach. My mother had to start taking ours inside every night.

    4. Reba*

      This is hysterical. Thank you for making me laugh with your epic tale of battle.

      (In a similar vein I always enjoy hearing about my parents’ protracted conflict with their local squirrels.)

      They will keep coming in. If you need to increase your arsenal, do you have access to spray foam (not insulation, just mulit-purpose self-hardening foam-goop in a can)? We have used electric mousetraps which I think (?) are most humane.

    5. Penny Parker*

      You need dehydrated bobcat piss. You can buy it at this place which has been in business for over 25 years and gets it sustainably (no animals are injured). We live in the middle of the woods and had over $500 dollars damage done to the wires of our car (several attacks) before we found this. It works and is organic.

      The Original PredatorPee® Since 1986
      https://www.predatorpeestore.com/

    6. Dancing Otter*

      The odor of a cat is a mouse repellent, even without any actual mouse hunting activity. I know, because our tomcat is the world’s worst mouser: I watched him let a mouse escape from under his very paws on two occasions. But they never returned, and neither did any of their relatives for a while year after each incident.
      Any chance of getting some used cat litter to place near the pots? You wouldn’t necessarily need enough for you to smell it yourself, just the mice.

      Oh, and people do speak of propagating plants from seed as well as from cuttings. It’s just not the most common way of saying it.

    7. another scientist*

      once the mice have found a warm dry place full of sunflower seeds and down pillows where predators can’t get them, they won’t be deterred by some stones. Rather, by cutting of their supply you might motivate them to venture into the house. You need to get some traps.

    8. Blueberry*

      You told this story BEAUTIFULLY and I cannot stop giggling.

      When I had to battle indoor mice I applied liberal splashes of peppermint oil to everywher I cleaned, and that did seem to deter them somewhat. *somewhat*.

      1. AuntieMelMel*

        I’m not sure mice are deterred by peppermint. The building I work in faces a large field. We have to put out traps every fall to keep the field mice from getting in. One year I had a new coworker whose desk contained no office supplies, just food. We didn’t realize the mice were bypassing the traps for that bounty. I purchased a bag of ball shaped chocolate covered peppermint cremes. I came in the next day to the bewildering sight of what appeared to be pile of small white cannonballs neatly stacked in a pyramid shape in the center of my desk. I soon figured out that a mouse had emptied the bag of candy, carefully peeled the chocolate off each ball and stacked them. I was extremely thankful for his artistic tendencies warning me not to leave food in the office but I’ve not believed peppermint keeps mice away since.

        1. Blueberry*

          Thank you for telling me this tale of art and woe. *tosses out peppermint oil*

    9. Deanna Troi*

      This is hilarious! You are an excellent writer. And yes, propagation is the correct term. My mom is in a garden club and they are always using it and talking about propagating. Some people use it only when they are talking about growing a plant from clippings, but it can be used for seeds as well.

      1. Myrin*

        Oh, our landpeople – who live in the other half of this house – had one but he died a few months ago. We’ll actually talk to them to get a new one together sometime this year (our landlord actually suggested that back in January or so but his wife wasn’t ready for that yet) but for the time being, they’re stuck in Australia and neither of us know when they’ll be back, so the cat acquisition is on hold right now.

  43. LossMom*

    As previously mentioned, I am the mother of a baby girl who died last summer after spending her life in the NICU. People are weird and awkward around infant loss, often because they just don’t know what to say or what not to. So I have decided to try to start sharing some suggestions on things that are and are not helpful, based on my experiences and those of some other loss parents I know. My goal is to share one unhelpful thing and one helpful thing each time I post.

    This week I would like to ask those of you who are parents not to complain about how hard parenting is to your loss parent friends who don’t have living children. Please understand, I am not saying that you are not allowed to find parenting difficult because my daughter died, or that you are not allowed to say that parenting is difficult because my daughter died. I’m just asking that you not put a loss parent in the position of being your support or listening ear as you work through the difficulties of parenting. This feels particularly acute during Covid when people are working to balance changes in work with having kids at home 24/7. I know these changes are challenging and believe me, I am fully aware that I have no idea what it feels like to meet the relentless needs of a child, but that’s kind of the whole point. We as loss parents are working so hard to function and to rebuild our lives after our child(ren)’s death(s) and frankly we would give anything to be in your shoes. So please, if you are struggling with parenting, share that with another friend. Don’t put us in the position of consoling you.

    This week’s advice on being helpful is an action instead of a phrase. If you know a loss parent and you have the kind of relationship where this is an option, make sure they have really good tissues available to them. I think you won’t be surprised to hear that many of us go through an incredible amount of tissues, especially in the early months. Having a steady supply of gentle tissues isn’t going to make our grief any easier to carry, but at least we can carry it without flaky, peeling noses.

    1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Thank you for continuing to educate us so graciously. It’s such an important topic and good intentions can be lost in bad words and actions.

      I look out for your post each week.

      I have not suffered the loss of a living child, only of pregnancies, but there is a lot of overlap in the useful advice here. Again, thank you.

    2. Magdalene*

      I’m sorry for your loss and that you are hurting. I wish you peace.

      I lost my son shortly after his birth. While the advice you give certainly works for you, it might not for everyone. Much of the things you have posted have been the opposite for me. I have also found lots of it hurtful. If it works for you that is good and my intent is not to be hurtful, but this is not a one size fits all thing and everyone will react and want different things. My friend who experienced a loss like this does not mind hearing other parents “complain” about their children and she finds it distressing when people avoid topics around her to avoid upsetting her. I feel similarly. Please be careful about this. Again I am sorry for your loss.

      1. Molly McGuire*

        +1 Magdalene

        I will go a step further and state I find these posts upsetting. I will borrow the word hurtful from you. These posts have made me avoid the open thread for the most part. I know you didn’t say this, but I think they are totally inappropriate for this venue.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          I removed a bunch of comments saying similar things, all of which came in all at once in a 30-minute period which is … unusual. The viewpoint has been expressed, and it does not need to be repeated over and over, given the nature of the topic. People are allowed to post here. If you don’t like someone’s topic, please collapse the thread and move on.

    3. KiwiApple*

      @Alison – you can’t collapse a front line comment though.
      Maybe if lossmom finds it helpful, she could give a summary of what she will write about and then post specifics in a comment below. This way, it would allow for people to scroll past.

      Also, comments within a short period of time – this could be a very natural thing, given an internal blog, when people comment etc.

      1. Belle*

        +1

        Most posts that can be upsetting has a warning in the first line — these do not. I would recommend adding a warning at least for those who are dealing with similar issues. Hard to avoid otherwise.

      2. Lora*

        I’m sure Alison is familiar with the commenting patterns on her site and knows when something is suspicious or unusual.

      3. allathian*

        Agreed. Perhaps a trigger warning might be appropriate here?
        That said, I can’t remember seeing LossMom post on any other threads except this one, and on this subject. It’s perhaps a bit unfortunate that it’s not possible to hide the posts of individual users on this platform.
        I think it might come as a surprise to LossMom that some people find her posts upsetting. A little humility perhaps, an acknowledgement that other parents who have experienced similar losses might feel differently than she does.

        1. Fikly*

          At no point does she say these things are universally helpful or unhelpful. She says what she writes is based on her experience, and a few other loss parents she knows.

          To suggest that she needs humility when you cannot be bothered to actually read the first paragraph of what she wrote is profoundly offensive.

          1. Fulana del Tal*

            When she states she is offering one unhelpful and one helpful suggestion, she is definitely writing as if there’s is one universal way to grieve. While humility may not be the right word, Lossmom writes in a way that doesn’t leave room for any other experience with grief/loss.

            I’m not denying her grief but there is no one way to grieve.

            1. LossMom*

              Thank you for these reminders. I see where I should have been more clear that I can only speak from my own experience. I did not mean to imply that the experience of infant loss is monolithic. Each person should be allowed to grieve in their own way and each person is going to have different needs and preferences after loss. I do apologize for any harm caused. My only intention has been to spare other loss parents some of the insensitive and hurtful comments I have received. If I have instead caused further hurt to others in the loss community in my actions, I am deeply sorry.

            2. Fikly*

              So what you are doing is ignoring her actual words, and then assigning a meaning to what she is saying that she does not state, so as to prove your point and take offense. There is no definite here. The only definite is in how you are interpreting it.

              Look within yourself for why you are doing this.

    4. Imtheone*

      Thanks for the suggestion. It’s so hard to know what to do, especially as time goes on. My family member lost a baby at the end of her pregnancy, and lives very far from us.

  44. Red Sunglasses*

    I came back to my apartment(I live in a 50 unit building, no doorman) in the city from my parents houses where I’ve been for 7 weeks to switch out clothes and grab mail. I just realized my roommate has the only copy of the mail key. I texted my super asking if he can open the mailbox and, of course, haven’t heard back.

    I’m hoping to catch the mail man today but if I can’t any other ideas how to get in there? I wouldn’t be that concerned but there’s a package in there that I’ve got about 5 days left to send back for a refund.

    1. Jessi*

      Can you just contact the package people, explain the problem and ask for an extension?

      Or Get your room mate to forward mail the parcel onto you and then send it back?

      Give roommate permission to open and return package?

      1. WellRed*

        It sounds like Red is at the mailbox, not the roommate. I’d hang around for the mailman. Can you leave a note asking him to leave it unlocked this one time? He probably can’t but it’s the only other quick fix I can come up with.

        2. Red Sunglasses*

          Correct- package has been sitting in the mailbox and my roommate is gone. There’s mail and packages sitting in our entrance outside of the boxes and now I’m wondering if they have stopped putting mail inside the boxes? My window is directly above our building entrance way and I have yet to hear anyone go in or out the door so hoping that means it should be easy to hear him- perhaps I can leave a note asking him to remove the contents and leave them on the floor with the other items?

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Call the Post Office and see if they are delivering/picking up mail at your place. If yes, leave a message for the carrier assigned to your route that you have a package for return mail.
            If the answer is no, ask how people are getting their mail. This might give you some ideas of what to do next.

  45. Anon-a-nanny*

    y’all I’ve a problem you might be able to help with.

    I worked in CA most of 2017-18 – legally, got a social and paid tax. I have been gone since Dec 2018. A few weeks back I received a payment that I thought was a mixed up tax return (as since I didn’t work in the US in 2019 I didn’t need to file and didn’t) but then last week received a letter to my old address and basically think this is a stimulus “cheque”. I’m not actually and an American and therefore not entitled to this money – any ideas as to how to give it back?

    2. nep*

      I saw an article online that said IRS gave checks to a lot of workers who shouldn’t have gotten them. Remains to be seen how they’ll handle that, I think.

    3. BRR*

      It’s likely because if the IRS doesn’t have your 2019 tax return they used your 2018. Not sure what the solution is though other than causing an unnecessary headache.

      1. Anon-a-nanny*

        I don’t want to take what isn’t mine, especially at the moment when so many are struggling. But at the same time it’s a bit of a nightmare- I’m not even in the country so I’ve got to factor in time difference and long distance calling even if i could figure out who to speak too

      2. Imtheone*

        I know someone who is now deceased, and the letter confirming the stimulus check was addressed to , “Deceased.” Because the estate has not been settled yet, there is a bank account and a tax return was filed. Seems odd, though.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Great question!
      First, find out exactly why you got this check. If it was deposited in an account of yours, leave it there. It could be siphoned back out months later, if the issuing entity wants it back. (You’re legally responsible to give back money that’s put into your account by mistake in the U.S.) With luck, you’ll be able to keep it.
      Families of the deceased who received stimulus checks in the deceased’s name are being told to keep it. It would take too much money and effort for the government to “claw it back”. However, you have a different situation and might be obligated to return it.
      I hope you get to keep it!

    5. Jaid*

      Does the check actually say it’s a stimulus check? I’m not clear on how that will get handled, but in the meantime you want to return the check:

      If your refund was a paper Treasury check and hasn’t been cashed:

      Write “Void” in the endorsement section on the back of the check.
      Submit the check immediately, but no later than 21 days, to the appropriate IRS location listed below. The location is based on the city (possibly abbreviated) on the bottom text line in front of the words TAX REFUND on your refund check.
      Don’t staple, bend, or paper clip the check. Do not cut up or mark anything on the front of the check.
      Include a note stating “Return of erroneous refund check” and give a brief explanation of the reason for returning the refund check.

      It sounds like you’re International, so send it to:
      PHILA – Internal Revenue Service, 2970 Market St., Philadelphia PA 19104

        1. Jaid*

          Oh, gosh, yes. When I’m called back, I can’t wait to see what guidance Headquarters has for this. It’s gonna be a wild year.

          BTW, I found this:

          A33. U.S. resident aliens with a valid SSN are eligible for the Payment if they can’t be claimed as a dependent of another taxpayer. Determine if you are considered a U.S. resident alien at Aliens – Which Form to File. If you are eligible to file Form 1040 or Form 1040-SR like U.S. citizens for 2019, including by filing a joint federal tax return with a U.S. citizen or U.S. resident alien spouse, file Form 1040 or Form 1040-SR with the IRS for 2019 even if your income isn’t enough to require you to file a tax return. You don’t need to take any action if you already filed a Form 1040 or Form 1040-SR for 2019 or 2018.

          If you are considered a U.S. resident alien for 2020 but not for 2019, you can claim the Payment when you file Form 1040 or Form 1040-SR with the IRS for tax year 2020.

          If you are considered a U.S. resident alien for 2019 but not for 2020, you won’t be required to repay the Payment we paid in 2020 based on your Form 1040 or Form 1040-SR for tax year 2019.

      3. Anon-a-nanny*

        No – its not actually a cheque – it was a direct deposit. I think it was a stimulus payment because of the letter

        1. Jaid*

          The letter states its for the Economic Impact Payment? OK, I can’t find specific guidance on it at IRS.gov, but:

          If your refund was a direct deposit:

          Contact the Automated Clearing House (ACH) department of the bank/financial institution where the direct deposit was received and have them return the refund to the IRS.
          Call the IRS toll-free at 800-829-1040 (individual) or 800-829-4933 (business) to explain why the direct deposit is being returned.
          Interest may accrue on the erroneous refund.

          In your case, though:

          The International Call Center is operational Monday through Friday, from 6:00 a.m. to 11:00 p.m. (Eastern Time):
          Tel: 267-941-1000 (not toll-free)
          Fax: 681-247-3101 (for international tax account issues only)

          Don’t be in a rush to return the deposit, though. Check in a couple of weeks with this topic and I’ll see if I have a better update for you, OK? I’d hate for you to send in a check if you don’t have to.

  46. Reluctantly Hermione*

    1. Studying for CIPP/US privacy law exam, 90 multiple choice questions, 2.5 hours. Last week’s practice exam was 72%. Passing score is 80%. Can’t help but feel I’m doomed to fail when I take it in June. (Took 4 tries to pass the bar, I excel at essays but am a horrific test-taker). Took another practice exam today I’ll grade tomorrow, which I took 5 weeks ago (there’s barely any sample tests so that’s all I got to work with).
    2. Our wedding anniversary is in a couple of days and I’m baking chocolate chip cookies for dessert. Hubs is cooking Italian. Feeling sad that we’re putting the brakes on trying for kids till next year when I’m close to 34. Where we live, I can’t get a dental appointment—there’s no way I’d be able to do prenatal appts in person (and given a family history of fetal demise that’s not ideal). It sucks.

    1. Analyst Editor*

      If by fetal demise you mean miscarriages, get checked to see if you have a clotting disorder. I know of someone who had multiple miscarriages until they started getting treatment for it — it’s unpleasant as I understand, but this girl has a baby now, after several painful tries.
      Prenatal care might be different from dental, because prenatal is less little solo practitioner clinics, and so are more likely to be open, and right now most people are postponing all other care, there is less of other care being provided, so there might actually be reasonable availability.

    2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I don’t follow your logic in 2 – why do you particularly need to see a dentist before you have a baby? Or do you mean medical antenatal checks? Why wouldn’t they be going on at normal frequency?

      Very best wishes for improved test results. Does the adrenaline rush tend to help on the day?

      1. Jules the First*

        I think she means that dental appointments are generally easier to get than prenatal appointments (which would be things like scans and testing), and that in the circumstances, both are going to be tricky.

        Hermione – I think you should call your doctor and ask, before you make this decision. My fertility clinic is due to reopen in about ten days (with precautions), but my dentist says she’s still at least a month out.

        1. Ranon*

          Dental work is way more dangerous than prenatal stuff as far as covid goes – big difference between basically aerosolizing someone’s saliva versus monitoring someone’s uterus.

          I have heard that the number of prenatal appointments one could expect has been reduced for most people, I expect US folks will see a schedule much closer to the UK model where you don’t even venture into an office until week 12 at the earliest (higher risk pregnancies likely somewhat different) and some regular appointments will likely be telemedicine.

  47. nep*

    Pros and cons of having a laptop with an optical drive these days? (Not deciding on that right now–just curious about people’s thoughts/experiences/usage).

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have an external one, but I don’t think I’ve used it in probably two years or more. None of my regular-use computers have one built in. The only thing I’m finding that involves actual physical media these days are DVDs, which I watch on the Xbox attached to the TV – all my software is downloaded. So I don’t know that there’s necessarily any cons to having one, but I can’t find any pros either, personally. :)

    2. Searching for a New Name*

      I didn’t realize when I bought my new(ish) laptop that it wouldn’t have one, and when I realized it I immediately went and bought an external. I’m really big on buying media in some kind of hard format, because dammit, I want to own the thing, not just have the temporary right to use it that can be revoked at any time!

      External optical drives are pretty cheap. Mildly annoying if I want to travel with it, but I don’t know how much of an upcharge there is on buying a laptop with an optical drive installed versus using the external one. I consider it worthwhile to HAVE the drive because I’m still buying CDs and want to be able to rip them to my computer.

      1. Reba*

        Yeah this is the only point of friction for me — I still buy cds and blu-rays once in a while!

        One thing that is funny about the state of personal tech these days is how seemingly difficult it is to listen to the music that I actually own (as opposed to streaming).

        1. Myrin*

          I was thinking this not too long ago. I have a James Blunt CD from 2004 which is actually one of the few CDs I own because I happen to like literally every song on it (which is rare for me) and my laptop will not even acknowledge its existence. It’s strange because it doesn’t do that with any other CD, just that one. It’s also strange because as a result, I had to download this CD I physically own onto my Spotify so that I can listen to it.
          (My sister, on the other hand, doesn’t have that problem. She likes to listen to cassette tapes from her childhood and as such still has a radio with a working CD and cassette player, which can be quite charming.)

          2. Reba*

            Wow, that is serious nostalgia!

            I have a colleague who is into cassettes and has also become good at repairing the old players, by necessity. They do sound different than other media.

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I found that a lot of them didn’t have optical drives anymore. I bought an external drive, and have used it a few times. However, I am now set indefinitely because I have it.

    4. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Can you even buy one with an optical drive in it? I haven’t seen one for a long time!

      I have an ancient laptop that I still use for ripping CDs and DVDs. The £1 shop here has a large selection of CDs and DVDs so I look through it whenever I am there, and I have found quite a few things that are surprisingly recent. I do use streaming services too but I like to have the physical media, not least because sometimes that one song isn’t available or I don’t want to listen to the ads. We have an external drive but it is quite finicky about rejecting some CDs and I left it at my other place which I am now not allowed to travel to anyway, so I am thinking about ordering a second one.

  48. Lcsa99*

    Wish me luck! I am attempting to bake a purple sheet cake later today. I thought it would be a fun surprise when my MIL cuts into it so I’ll bake and freeze until next weekend. It’s my first time baking in a sheet pan rather than a normal cake pan (I thought that would make it easier to make two smaller cakes) and coloring cake batter, so any tips are appreciated.

    1. another Hero*

      Neither of those changes should mess anything up too dramatically, though a change in pan size could affect the bake time.

      1. Lcsa99*

        Yup, we switch recipies from pans to cupcakes all the time so I’ll definitely keep an eye on it. Also considering lowering the temperature. Since it will be bigger, but likely thinner I am concerned with the edges cooking before the center and think a lower temperature will help.

        1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          If it’s a recipe made for 2 9″ round pans, that’s 127 square inches of surface, while a 9×13″ is 117 square inches, very close in size. I’ve never had any trouble switching between the two. I think I used the same temperature. Or were you thinking a big flat pan, like a jelly roll pan?

        2. ThatGirl*

          Per Wilton’s baking guide, you should definitely lower the temp to 325. I will link in follow up, or you can google Wilton baking and serving guide.

    2. Valancy Snaith*

      You might want to line the pan with parchment paper to help it release better–I don’t personally, but my friends who bake semi-professionally usually do to prevent any bits from sticking.

      1. Not A Manager*

        I used to bake cakes in rimmed sheet pans in order to cut shapes for my children’s birthday cakes. ABSOLUTELY line the pan with parchment, and also spray the parchment with non-stick spray. If you don’t have parchment, it’s okay to use wax paper (the wax on it might melt a little, but it’s food-grade and won’t harm you), or foil (not as ideal, but better than trying to pry the middle of the cake off the sheet pan).

        If you really don’t have anything to line the pan, then VERY heavily butter and flour the whole thing.

    3. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Google “Nancy’s baking paste” to line the tin. It is pretty disgusting stuff before it’s baked, but it’s a miracle for letting stuff just slide out of the tin.

      What are you using to colour the batter? Take care not to use too much as you’ll taste it (and possibly see it in the toilet the day after – anything with blue is fierce).

    4. Lcsa99*

      Thanks everyone! I did butter and parchment the pan. Couldn’t imagine it not sticking otherwise! I kinda wish I had gel food coloring, but the powdered and liquid colors made a nice shade. My big concern now is that it’ll fade enough that it’ll look more grey than purple. I know it will definitely fade, I just don’t know how much. Guess we will see!

      1. Pennyworth*

        I made a very bright multi-coloured cake using just liquid colors and they didn’t fade at all.

  49. New Fed Here*

    Single and thinking of buying my first house (live and work in the ‘burbs, no city within an hours drive.) The school system isn’t that great, so I’m thinking of going for the views and proximity to the boat slips along the Chesapeake (because I want to make a good investment). What are your thoughts?

    1. Reba*

      I’d look closely at some sea level rise projection maps. Here is one https://coast.noaa.gov/slr/
      As well as flood plains/flood zones… as you know there have been dramatic floods in the area in recent years, and sea-level rise is only going one way, after all.

      I’d also consider your commute — not only distance/time but mode, highway vs. slow roads, lots of factors that can make it more or less pleasant.

      Good luck, let us know how it goes house-hunting during this time!

    2. Alex*

      I don’t think I would buy coastline property as a long term investment. Too much risk with climate change.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I am more than several hours inland. We have fossil sea shells in our larger rocks here. We used to be right beside the sea. I may have ocean front property and not even know it. (joking, kind of … not really.)

        Nice views drive up property taxes (higher assessments), and the difference can be substantial.

        For the most part real estate is not a great investment plan. Some people make out well but a lot of people don’t get near breaking even.

        We bought less house than we were told we could afford. According to a real estate friend this house is still very saleable. My assessment has gone up 20k in 28 years. Yeah, modest house, which is way it’s so marketable. It can appeal to first time buyers or retirees.

        In order for a house to be an investment at some point you will need to sell it get your gain. How long do you want to live there? How much do you think you should gain over that time frame? And what type of buyer would be interested in buying your house when you are done with it?

    3. Generic Name*

      Honestly, I wouldn’t buy a house as an investment. Sure, equity in a house is considered an asset, but at we saw during the Great Recession, housing prices do not go up indefinitely. Buy a house because you have found a place you want to put down roots. Buy a house because you want a place to live that you can customize however you want.

      (And the reverse is true. One doesn’t “throw away” money on rent; one exchanges it for a place to live that is maintained by someone else)

  50. Amethyst*

    I’m on vacation from work. It was a last minute request, & I’m so glad my boss was able to accommodate it.

    My maternal grandmother is a handful & a half. She’s exhausting. She’s high maintenance. She wants things exactly her way. No one can do it their way or she throws a damn fit. Everything, to her, is a constant storm of WOE! Then we have her diet restrictions: all organic, no soy, no RSBT, nothing that’s whole grain, uses This instead of That because there’s more benefits to This, takes over 30 vitamins & minerals PER DAY… She has dentures because all her teeth fell out but claims her doctor says she’s healthy as a horse, has a heart problem we only know about from eavesdropping on a conversation she had with Child #2’s oncologist while he was in hospice dying… I mean, she’s just not a nice person to be around.

    She’s been living with one of her six kids for the last 25 years, at least. Two of them died of assorted cancers. A third is recovering from cancer. She’s been living at my cousin’s apartment since, like, October on his dime. He’s spent close to $20,000 on her (moving expenses, rent, utilities, + assorted other things for her). All of this despite the fact that she was going to help him cover her expenses. It wasn’t until last week when she finally gave him $200. That just covered the electric & heat. So now this cousin has decided he needs to find a smaller, more affordable, place so he can funnel all this money he’s spent on her so far to a lawyer to fight his exwife to see his children. (She’s violated their court-ordered custody agreement since their divorce, so he hasn’t seen his children in over a year.) My cousin told her she has to be out of this apartment by June 15th.

    Enter another cousin. She’s lived 1500 miles away from this woman all her life so she was never exposed to how toxic this woman is. She just knows her as the sweet old woman (she isn’t) who’s just had an incredible run of bad luck. This cousin came into our family chat group asking where Grammie was going. None of us knew what she was talking about–by all accounts, we all thought she was settled into my cousin’s apartment–until this cousin shared a photo of a card Grammie sent to her in which she mentions the moveout date along with other things to play up just how pathetic she is.

    Well. I can tell y’all it didn’t go down very well at all. She had over a dozen people completely shutting her down. None of us is able, willing, trained, or financially capable of taking her into our homes to live with us 24/7/365. We told Grammie years & years ago that she needed to find an ALF because the day would come when her needs would far exceed any of her family’s ability to care for her. (What went unsaid was that she’s gotten steadily nastier through the years & none of us WANT to.) She refused because she views her family’s duty to take care of her. It’s her “due”. We “owe” her this. We made it very clear back then that she wasn’t “owed” anything from us, & it was her responsibility to find a place that’d care for her. All of it fell on deaf ears back then, even with additional conversations we had with her through the years.

    Now she needs to be out of this place by mid-June & the only steps she’s taken is to cry on my cousin’s shoulder & wait for another family member to volunteer to take her in. Except this time it’s not happening.

    That chat actually got nasty. Blunt. Multiple members laid out exactly why they weren’t going to help her out. Her children stepped in & said just how awful of a mother she was to them. All of my cousins & I refused to take her in because we ALL have horror stories with her.

    I tried to remind the cousin that when she has multiple people sharing awful stories about one person, the problem isn’t with the multiple people, it’s with that one person. She wouldn’t hear of it. She expected us all to band together as one big happy family & RAH RAH save our grammie. She left the chat instead & posted a passive-aggressive Facebook status that she’d “lost all respect” for her family.

    I discussed the above situation with someone I know who’s dealt with difficult people like my grandmother. She gave me several options for her, especially as she’s prone to squatting in a home she can’t be in. (She did this with Child #2’s house for 6 years after he died, despite multiple court dates, eviction orders, court orders, sheriffs, lawyers… It was mental.) I relayed them to the family chat group.

    While all is now quiet in that group, all of this sent me into PTSD flashback mode for 3 days. I lost a lot of sleep; I couldn’t focus at work. So now I have the week off to recalibrate me.

    2. RC Rascal*

      I’m going through elder care issues myself. I’m an only child and the issue is my mother, who is a self neglecter and hoarder. Her health has deteriorated and she refused medical care. Here is what I’ve learned that can help you:

      Consult with a social worker who has elder care experience. They can link you with resources and provide advice.

      Call adult protective services on Granny. She is an older person who is nearly homeless due to her behavior.

      Granny’s behavior and general uncooperativeness are indicative of mental health issues. You may be able to get agency help for her.

      Good luck! I had to investigate getting my own mother declared incompetent in order to get her the help she needs. This is no longer necessary as I was able to get a medical POA but I’m still fighting an uphill battle.

      1. Amethyst*

        My particular PTSD results in trauma surrounding my paternal grandmother. I spent 3.5 years with that woman & what I went through… Never again will I ever put myself in that situation–I was that badly burned. I had to call the police a couple times on her because she became physically abusive to me. The police told me that my situation was classified as domestic violence. APS & social workers in that state said it was domestic violence all right… I was the one being abusive…to HER. Yeah. So as far as APS/social services is concerned, I have zero faith in them.

        That was actually one of the suggestions I was given. I was also told that if she absolutely refuses to leave that apartment, my cousin can call the police to report a concern that our grandmother may be suicidal (it helps because her card references a wish for her own death) 1-2 days before the moveout date & they’ll instantly put her on a psych hold. Then, once the hold’s up & she has nowhere to go, APS can step in & find her a bed in one of the facilities. This is the nuclear option for us if the other suggestions we were given (tour an ALF my cousin found for her; tour a homeless shelter) don’t work.

        You’re lucky you got it all done for your mother. I hope things level out soon for you.

        1. RC Rascal*

          I have also been given the advice for a psych gold but don’t think it’s appropriate in my case. I would still consult with a social worker. They see it all & this isn’t the first time they will have worked with an abusive elder mistreating the kids. They may be able to help you figure out how to get a state agency to help her find housing.

          1. RC Rascal*

            Find a social worker who does independent consulting. Not one attached to a hospital or agency.

            1. Amethyst*

              Thanks. But I’d rather end it here before I get back into primitive brain. This conversation is in danger of sending me in that direction.

              One of the options I gave to the family chat was consulting APS. So what happens next is up to my grandmother’s choices because I literally CANNOT handle this situation right now as it is. I will relapse & regress. It’s been nearly 7 years to the day since I left my paternal grandmother’s home & I don’t want to be back where I was 7 years ago. I can’t. I’ve done a tremendous amount of work & quite intensive therapy to even get to where I am now. I still have therapy on a regular basis because sometimes just speaking about what happened to me sends me physically back & my therapist has to interrupt me & lead me through a grounding exercise to separate myself from the specific part of the trauma that I’m speaking about.

    3. RagingADHD*

      Sounds like the cousin who started this is volunteering to take her in. She’s apparently got a lot of opinions for someone who is doing nothing herself.

      1. Aly_b*

        Yeah, that’s what I heard there! If this cousin feels so strongly then they need to step up to the plate.

    4. Rebecca*

      Echos of My Mother, Her Royal Highness. Except I’m an only child, my daughter knows what a horror she is, and all my cousins are 6 – 20 years or more older than me, and they’re like, uh, nope! I wish I could put my mother and your grandmother together someplace. I am so sorry for this. But you’re right. You owe her nothing. I just hope the cousin whose apartment she’s in doesn’t end up in a legal mess because she won’t want to leave!

      FYI – I have a cousin who was telling me that I should do this with mom, act like that, be more understanding, etc. and I said, OK, I’ll tell you what. You come here and live with her for a while, then tell me what I should do. Not surprisingly, the answer was oh, I don’t think that would be needed…uh huh…so shut your pie hole.

      You take care of YOU. Block phone calls and texts, whatever. She’ll get into assisted living when it becomes uncomfortable enough to do so.

      1. Amethyst*

        Thank you. I’m sorry you’ve gone/are going through this, too. I hope you’re having a bit of an easier time with your mother. Sucker Cousin doesn’t have my contact details, which helps. If I have to, I’ll mute the chat should it start going off again & just ask one of my sisters for the Cliff’s Notes to shield me from a PTSD relapse.

        My cousin’s a former Marine. He will MAKE her leave, lol. He’s not spending one more cent on her.

        1. Rebecca*

          Sending a hug to you! Glad to hear you have the Marines involved – they know how to get things done. Take good care of yourself!! **and isn’t it always so interesting when people have these opinions – you need to do X, Y, and Z blah blah blah, when push comes to shove, all of a sudden it’s not really what should be done?

          1. Amethyst*

            LOL! My cousin remarked that this must’ve been the very reason he went into the military; our grandmother is as stubborn as a donkey. (Or would a goat be a better simile?) One way or another, she’s going into an ALF or a nursing home. Her choices will make the decision for her in the next 1.5 months.

            Thank you for the hug! I’m sending one back to you. Didn’t someone once say that opinions are like asses; everyone has one? ;)

    5. Anono-me*

      I think you should apologize to your cousin and explain that you’re over stressed earlier but now realize that she’s right and that you will be more than happy to rent a U-Haul moving truck to take your grandmother to live with your cousin 1500 miles away.

      1. Amethyst*

        LMAO! Several other cousins mentioned that after Sucker Cousin left the group chat. If she decides to re-join, I know at least 3 people will be sure to bring it up if she pushes it.

        1. Auntie Social*

          It’s a classic familynlaw argument—if ABC is such a good idea, YOU do it!! You should see the color drain out of people’s faces when the table gets turned. And then the stammering begins, “I didn’t mean me, I couldn’t possibly. . .”

          1. Rebecca*

            Yes!! I’ve had enough of people telling me what I should do, how I should handle my mother, and I love to say, oh, OK, you come here and do that, and I’ll take a few weeks off. Love the stammering!! You are spot on!!

    6. Pennyworth*

      Can you just remove yourself from any involvement with your grandmothers living arrangements? It sounds as though there are quite a few cousins on the case, can it be left to them to sort things out? I’d be sorely tempted to go incommunicado until the end of June.

    7. Koala dreams*

      I know it’s too late for that now, but next time you get a call from a clueless cousin, just tell them “I won’t be able to help, you better talk to grammie directly about her plans” and hang up. The cousin sounds like a busybody to me, not willing to help her beloved grammie herself, just interested in criticizing other people. The less talking with such people, the better.

      I wish you a relaxing day and a swift recovery. Take care!

      1. Koala dreams*

        Oh, I see now it was a chat, that’s even better. You can close the chat, block the cousin and close the chat app.

  51. Nervous Nellie*

    Happy/positive stuff thread! What neat things happened to you this week?

    1) I got to the sueprmarket too early, forgetting that 7am-8am is seniors only shopping time, and was stopped by a store staffer at the door. The staffer said, “It’s 745 – just come back in 15 minutes and you’re good to go. Thanks, Miss!” If I wasn’t wearing a mask that would have been a “Ma’am”. I haven’t been called “Miss” in 25 years. It was very cool!

    2) On a walk I noticed that the chickadees and juncos are starting to adopt the goldfinch’s rollercoaster flight pattern. And then, wow, saw a goldfinch leading two chickadees in formation, zipping up and down in the air. Beautiful.

    3) Oh, and I GOT A JOB! See yesterday’s open thread. So much good stuff.

    I hope everyone is doing ok – what good things have you seen or done?

    1. Misty*

      Since I was in the hospital this past week, I got to talk to people in person and I feel much less isolated now. Also I got tested for the virus and don’t have it so I’m happy about that too. I’m actually really happy today.

      Congrats on the job! I enjoyed reading about your positive experiences. Thanks for the uplifting post.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Misty, I am so relieved that you are ok. Don’t ever forget that there is a real person with a friendly face behind each of our postings here, and that we are all cheering for you. And yay that you don’t have the virus! That is the best possible news! :) Enjoy your Saturday!

        1. Misty*

          That’s so sweet <3 That is very kind of you to say. <3

          I have been taking screenshots of a lot of the really nice things you all have been saying to me on AAM over the last few months and sometimes I read them when I need a people boost. You all are so awesome. Thanks again for the uplifting thread.

    3. MissDisplaced*

      It’s great to hear people are finding jobs during this. They ARE out there. Congratulations!

    4. Nessun*

      Congrats on the job!!! Happy yo hear about your good fortune, and what a positive outlook today.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      My older friend– I’ve mentioned this friend a couple times– had a good check up with the doc. They ran a bunch of tests and found her to be very healthy. He asked how old her parents lived to be. She said her father went into his 90s. The doc said she probably will also (another 10 or more years). She had some difficulty earlier but the doc concluded it was stress from isolation due to Covid-19.
      Lots of smiling going on around here.

    6. Mimmy*

      I participated in an online screening of Crip Camp that was put on by my school. Afterwards, we had a Q&A with Judy Heumann, who is one of the most well-known disability activists and was a key figure in the film.

      Even cooler: There was a raffle for a copy of her book…I was one of the winners! Of course it would be my luck that I was leave the event early forgetting about the raffle drawing!! Luckily that didn’t disqualify me.

      2. Emily*

        That’s exciting! I saw Crip Camp recently at a film festival and really liked it. The filmmakers were there, but I would’ve loved to see Judy, who I didn’t know about before viewing but was really impressed with in the film.

    7. Jaid*

      My test result came back negative and I’m feeling better anyway.

      And I took a nice long drive this afternoon. Half a tank of gas long. It was a beautiful day.

  52. Whining*

    I’ve just not been able to relax at all. I sleep 10-12 hours a day and just this week stopped feeling guilty for sleeping so much. I’ve tried hard to be positive and productive but at this point I give up. I just can’t relax when it is such a horrible time for everyone. I can get that this is a dream situation for everyone, and I too am finding small positives but in the bigger picture, it’s just awful what’s going on.

    I’m just so weary of things now, some COVID some not.

    I barely shower or do the cleaning projects in other parts of the house because 2 minutes in chilly air has certain body parts aching for an hour. Our home doesn’t have central heating, so it’s just space heaters in specific rooms which run up a giant bill which we can’t really afford right now.

    I’m tired of sending my husband to do groceries. I used to do this task and I miss it.

    I’m tired of a normal 30 minute trip taking 2-2.5 hours only for him to not find anything while everyone on my social media feed is making elaborate, fun meals because they can somehow find everything. I live in freaking NYC and in my area and at any given grocery trip, I can’t get either produce or baking products or halal meat. I miss being able to find everything on my list.

    I hate not being able to reach my stupid feet and give myself a pedicure.

    I’m tired of my hand being in severe pain and I have to plan my dr appts now around my husband’s work/fasting schedule because I can’t/won’t travel alone.

    And then the protestors. The keyboard warriors saying this is a hoax and fake.

    I’m just weary because I know that even if the govt lifts the lockdown, these restrictions aren’t going to go away for me personally (I’m pregnant and diabetic so double vulnerable). My zip code has the highest # of cases so I don’t even go outside for walks now. Which I don’t understand because every time I do go out (in the car every other week), everyone is social distancing and wearing masks. Strange.

    I want to go shopping, see things in person! get a pedicure, get a facial, go to the gym, eat an ice cream cone. Im certainly not protesting or feel like my civil liberties are being trampled upon—I want to do these things when everyone is safe. I just want things to get better for everyone.

    I’m just weary now.

    1. TG*

      All of this is classic symptoms of depression. Could be situational in response to the pandemic and since it seems like you have a lot on your plate. But there are lots of resources online for therapy right now. Please seek them out.

    2. Blueberry*

      I hear you. I hope you feel better soon (And find the things you need). May the rest of your pregnancy go well and your baby be a good sleeper. :)

    3. Thursday Next*

      You need to seek professional therapy and your OB’s medical advice. There’s really no substitute for it at this point. If you have tried therapy in the past without having it “click,” you really must try again. This is an exceptionally stressful time, and your pregnancy makes it all the more crucial that you have professional support in place during and following your pregnancy.

      I am not a doctor, just a woman who’s dealt with depression and postpartum depression—and the daughter of a mother whose depression went untreated. This is serious stuff. You need to take these steps to take care of yourself and, soon, yourself and your baby.

      NYC and NYState webpages have information about how to access remote therapy during this time. This is also an issue to raise with your OB immediately.

      Best wishes to you.

      1. Whining*

        I talked to my OB & PCP about panic attacks and feeling stress. I had a panic attack over a month ago, not as bad since then, just feeling tired and worried all the time lately. I told my obgyn about it and he said “we’re all in the same boat” and recommended Benadryl. I talked to my PCP via video visit a few days ago about something unrelated and she also said Benadryl. I’ve tried benadryl and it doesn’t work but I don’t wan t to switch doctors at this point. I had a therapist but he was meh. I am excited and happy about the baby, just a little anxious all the time about her well being.

        1. Thursday Next*

          I think Raging ADHD is right to say that you should bring very specific symptoms (sleeping a lot, not showering) to your doctors’ attention. And as Lorine says below, please ask to be screened for *depression* specifically. Ask for a referral if needed. It’s okay to tell a doctor you’re still concerned and that you’d like to speak to someone else who will discuss these issues further with you.

          It’s frustrating and unfair that getting screening and treatment for mental health puts the onus on the people needing them to advocate for themselves at a time when self-advocacy may be particularly difficult. It’s tough when you’ve made moves toward asking for help that haven’t yielded results. It can help to use very specific language, to name your concerns, and to repeat a request for evaluation or discussion.

          Being depressed doesn’t mean you’re not excited about your baby. I’m glad to hear that you’re looking forward to motherhood. Seeking screening/treatment can be motivated from positive feelings of love and nurturing for oneself and one’s child.

          1. Whining*

            Thank you for this, I will. For some reason this showed up now, hence the repetitive comments from me.

        2. Koala dreams*

          Please tell your doctor that benadryl doesn’t work and ask for other treatments. It’s their job to find a treatment that works for you. They can’t do that if you don’t tell them what’s wrong.

          Therapists can be tricky, sometimes you need to go to a couple until you find one that go well.

      2. RagingADHD*

        Yes, please tell your doctor that you are not going outdoors at all, that you are sleeping up to 12 hours a day, and that you are frequently skipping showers.

        And that you are struggling with a lot of guilt.

        Please be specific about these things. These are symptoms, just like if you had a rash or an earache. The doctor needs to know so they can treat you appropriately.

        1. Whining*

          I see him this week, I will mention specifics. I was very vague prior to this. I had a therapist late last year but I haven’t seen him now and he wasn’t that great now That I think about it.

      3. Whining*

        I had a panic attack about a month back due to a nasty family confrontation and I told my obgyn about it. He said take Benadryl. I told him I feel anxiety and stress and worry and he said we’re all in the same boat. I talked to my PCP and she recommended Benadryl as well. I’ve been taking benadryl (maybe 1x a month?) but it doesn’t help.at.all. I’m very excited and happy with the pregnancy, the shower issue is related to it. Despite htat, it’s the only bright spot I have right now.

        1. TG*

          What symptoms did they say to take Benadryl for? I’m intrigued about that as I’ve struggled with similar symptoms and haven’t heard of Benadryl.

          1. Whining*

            Being unable to sleep, tired but mind is racing with thoughts. I have Xanax at home as I was prescribed this pre pregnancy but as soon as I found out I was expecting I was instructed to stop it.

    4. Lorine*

      Hi! I agree with other commenters about getting screened for depression, I’ve struggled with it myself in the past and it sucks. In the meantime, three things that have helped me when I’m in a low mood are:
      -making myself shower every day
      -putting literally one thing on a to-do list and only worrying about getting that one thing done
      -accepting that my mood sucks and just going with it rather than trying to not feel that way (strangely, accepting that I’m feeling depressed usually makes things feel LESS bleak)

      I hope you feel better soon.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Please severely limit the amount of news you watch/listen to or read each day. It’s not helping you. (I seriously question WHO it might be helping at this point.) There are days where I look at the news for ten minutes in the morning and that is it. That is the best I can do some times.

      I do know of people who turn the tv on in the morning and have news on all day. I have no idea how they can function, really.

    6. Emily*

      I’m sorry that you’re struggling. Your situation sounds really difficult, and I hope that things get better for you at some point.

      1. Whining*

        Thank you. I can’t say it’s any worse than anyone around me. I know 98% of people are suffering right now in some way. I try to stay positive and count my blessings.

    7. At risk*

      I just want you to know I hear you. Today I googled “why won’t I take a shower?” When this all started, I had been meditating and exercising everyday. Just don’t do it now.
      I am more privileged than most. I am working safely from home. Some of my work is a distracting joy. (5th graders, need I say more?)

      Although there shortages and my grocery delivery doesn’t have half of what I ordered, I have enough. Almost nothing gives me pleasure. Reading, Netflix, reading AAM. I lose interest in about ten minutes. I know that I am depressed but then think “so what.”
      I know 4 people who died and one was one of my very dear, oldest friends. I get that I am grieving.
      Trying to notice small things. A cat’s tail waving in the corner of a Zoom frame lightens my heart for a moment.
      Ramadan Mubarak

      I wish you peace and health.

        1. I know how you feel*

          Thank you. Reread and sorry that I dumped. Yes, you are not alone but sometimes knowing that doesn’t always help.
          Read the advice of other people. Second it. Your specific symptoms are those of depression.
          I have availed myself of telephone therapy.
          Today is a better day.
          It does help for me to call people who share my loss at this time.

  53. Trixie*

    New Mac Book, are adding protective skins or covers common or more of a fun accessory? I keep mostly with me and don’t anticipate traveling much with it once shelter-in-place is lifted.

    1. glitter crayon*

      I have never bothered to stick anything onto mine – I think all you really need is a good carry case and anything else is just fun.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have a decal on mine for funsies, but no case or anything.

    3. Eng*

      I’ve never seen a cover used at my workplace with thousands of employees with macbook pros, and that includes the people who take them home every night. I guess if you plan to be very very rough with it it could be helpful, otherwise only get one if you think it looks nice.

    4. Jdc*

      I have a snap on case, a protective keyboard cover and a stick on cover on the track of of my new MacBook. I always sell when i get a new one and get top dollar since they are pristine.

    5. Sunset Maple*

      My experience with the new low-profile keyboard (and my favorite IT guy confirmed this) is that they have so little travel distance that one teeny crumb or bit of dirt can jam it up. So, a keyboard cover is essential, but I always buy a cover and outer shell set, because the price difference is negligible.

  54. Sarah*

    For the last couple years, my wonderful Grandma has really gotten into online jigsaw puzzles as a way to unwind and relax. She even bought a laptop just for online puzzles, her first computer at ~88yo. :D
    I’d like to add to her list of puzzle websites to her list. Anyone have any good websites for online jigsaw puzzles? Thanks!

    1. glitter crayon*

      I use one called Jigsaw Planet – it has loads of options for customising puzzles the way you want.

    2. nep*

      Cool. Never thought of that–I didn’t know that existed, but of course it does. Great idea.
      I’m going to let my mom know–she might like that.

    4. nep*

      Oh my gosh–I’ve never been one to do jigsaw puzzles, but I just put about five pieces together on an online puzzle; I can see how this could be addicting. Cool.

    5. NeverNicky*

      I use Jigidi a lot – you can save puzzles if you have an account which is great for the larger ones.

    6. Mimmy*

      I’ve heard about online jigsaw puzzles but I don’t know if I’d enjoy them. Plus, I’m very skittish about having an online account anywhere these days (aside from existing ones of course).

  55. Marguerite*

    I sent my sister a picture of some new mini mocha flavored cookies that I bought. She sent me a gif that said something like, “Is this a quarantine or an eating contest?”
    A little ironic considering a week before she asked me to find a package of Limited Edition oreos for her and some KitKat.
    Grrr…. siblings! We’re older but still have our moments where we have our spats.
    Anyone else?

    1. Blueberry*

      Did you see the recent letter wheere the college student LW’s sister was insistent that if she took pass/fail for her course she’d Be Unemployable? I kind of wanted to respond “she’s your sister, it’s in her contract to disagree with you.” I’m an only child and I have never seen siblings who didn’t get under each other’s skins sometimes. :) Fortitude, and enjoy your cookies!

    2. Wishing You Well*

      Spats? No. Pandemic eating contests? Yes.
      A sibling brought over multiple warehouse-sized bags of M&Ms. She was switching from working-at-home to vacationing-at-home and didn’t want the stuff in her house while on vacation. ?
      I finished the first bag in 3 days and now my jeans are tight…

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Tell her she wins. And then time how long it takes for her to figure out the grand prize is NOTHING.

      I have a friend who will get going on a point that is just… so…. Anyway, for example, they can insist the sky is aqua with orange dots. If I don’t wanna “play” today, I will just say, “You win.” And I wait for them while they try to figure out what they won. Meanwhile my life goes on, mostly unaffected by any of this.

    5. Senor Montoya*

      I dunno — I’ve got four siblings. I always take things like that as, I want to send you something light and funny? Unless she gets outright mean, maybe not take it as a spat? assume good intention and keep your blood pressure down :)
      Life’s too short. I’m old, I’m glad to hear from my siblings (and trust me, we used to fight a lot when we were kids). It means we’re alive and thinking about each other.

  56. Amethyst*

    I have a bee stuck between my doors & I have no idea how it got there & I tried to let it go except it wasn’t there when I opened the storm door so I let myself in, locked the door, happened to look down & there it was. I SLAMMED THAT DOOR SO FAST, y’all.

    Now I’m stuck in my house until I die.

        1. anon24*

          Yes! Save the bee! Is it a honey/bumble bee or a wasp? And are you allergic?

          If it is a honey/bumble bee and you aren’t allergic I would definitely save it. They are super friendly little critters and don’t deserve the reputation they have. You can hold them! I hold bees all the time, they die if they sting you so they generally won’t sting unless it is to protect their queen.

          I’ve actually held wasps too. Mean little buggers, but they generally won’t sting if you’re gentle AND you constantly talk to them in a calm voice. If you stop talking for so much as a breath they’ll sting you but I’ve picked them up and moved them without being stung so long as I keep up a steady stream of kind sounding nonsense.

          1. Amethyst*

            I’d say I am, now that I’ve been stung by a honeybee last year. It took 45 minutes but my lips started to tingle for 5-10 minutes before it went away. Other than that, it was just a sense of “not rightness” (feeling disconnected from my body, etc.) & pain from the sting site.

            My friends answered my call & came to release it. But they discovered that I’d done a good job in knocking it about when I slammed the door earlier & it was half dead, so they finished the job to put it out of its misery.

          2. Jaid*

            You should totally watch “The Hornet King” on YouTube. He’s a wasp removal expert and tries to relocate nests rather than destroy them, because they, too, are necessary for the environment.

    2. Dr.KMnO4*

      I feel you. I have supernatural reflexes when bees (and bee-like insects) are around. I would also be stuck in my house, because no way in H E L L would I be opening the door and possibly letting that bee inside.

      1. Amethyst*

        LOL!!! It’s like I’m looking in a mirror!

        Logically, I know bumblebees don’t sting & they’re very gentle & chill creatures. But it’s hard to resolve that knowledge against my neanderthal brain that goes, “DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!” when I find myself around a bee…of any variety.

        1. Dr.KMnO4*

          As a funny aside, our usernames are mirror-like too, because KMnO4 is a violet colored chemical.

          When I was working at a small college, I was getting some things out of my car and a wasp(?) flew at me and I instinctively slammed the door shut, trapping the wasp in my car. I couldn’t bring myself to open the door so I went over to the biology department and found a student who wasn’t afraid of bees to get it out of my car.

      2. Mimmy*

        Here to you and Amethyst on the supernatural reflexes when it comes to bees!!!! Whenever I gripe about bees, my husband reminds me why they’re important. Well, they can be important from a distance thankyouverymuch!

        2. Dr.KMnO4*

          I agree- I’m fine with bees existing, I just wish they would stay at a distance!

          Case in point: I was in LA a couple of summers ago visiting my brother. I was hanging out by the pool at his apartment complex and a bee (could have been a wasp or a hornet or a yellow jacket) flew over and landed on my pool chair. There were probably 50 unoccupied chairs around the pool and it had to come land on mine. WHY?! My swimsuit and towel don’t have flower patterns, I never wear perfume…I swear they are attracted by my fear. People always say that bees are more afraid of me than I am of them but I doubt that since I do everything I can to stay far away from bees whereas they fly towards me willingly.

          1. Amethyst*

            OMG. Now it’s REALLY like looking at me in the mirror. I have the same issue! I don’t understand it. All I smell is clean. I don’t use anything that would attract their attention. I mind my own business! I lean toward bright colors in summer (who doesn’t?) & if my shirt ever has a flower pattern it’s a vague one, or it blends into the other prints on my shirt. Yet, EVERY TIME, wearing a solid, printed, whatever color shirt attracts bees to me. As soon as I realize it, it’s a sharp inhale & a dash for my life to drive it away from me. UGH.

    3. Llellayena*

      I ended up with a wasp hovering around the ceiling fan light immediately above my head for the last half hour of a work screenshare meeting I was running. I didn’t realize it was a wasp until after the call was over (I thought it was a large flying beetle or something). I jumped to the door so fast….

      Anyway, once it was between the a green and the door it wanted to go toward the sunlight so I was able to open my door a crack and push the screen door open and it flew out almost immediately. Getting my heart to stop racing took a bit longer though…

      1. Llellayena*

        Apparently “screen” when mistyped auto corrects to “green”. Whoops.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      This is what vacuum cleaners are for, y’all.

      We were at a fair one time when we saw a food service person wrestling with numerous bees hovering around the prep area. The person got out their vac and plucked the bees out of the air. It was very effective.

      Years later we had a mouse problem here at home and my husband remembered the bee vacuuming… and I think you can figure out what happened next…..

      1. Amethyst*

        But then I’d have to throw away a vacuum cleaner & that’s a waste of a perfectly good one. Lol.

        1. Dr.KMnO4*

          Right? And that’s assuming I managed to actually capture the bees in the first place. I’m not sure wild flailing and running in the opposite direction would be very successful strategies. :)

      2. glitter crayon*

        Wtf?

        Bees are important for the world. It’s not cool or ok to vacuum them.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Not really a choice, it was a county fair with many, many people around. The bees were in and around the food that was being served.
          Under ordinary circumstances, I totally agree with you.

  57. Come On Eileen*

    My company did a massive layoff yesterday – hundreds and hundreds of people were let go (all related to COVID and following an earlier furlough of employees in our labs). Thankfully I still have a job and am safe – for now. Several of my friends lost their jobs, including a single mom and a father of 4 who is the sole provider for his family. I’m sad for them and yet grateful to still have a job. I need ideas for how to take care of myself right now and how to reach out and show my friends who lost their jobs support. I’ve texted with them but so far that’s it. My current idea was to send each a card with a Starbucks gift card, letting them know how much they will be missed and saying basically “I’d love to take you out to coffee right now, but since we can’t right now, let’s have coffee together when all this is over.” Is that weird or nice or meh? Are there other things I could do that would be more valuable? They’ll each get severance and unemployment and should be good financially for a short while, but of course I never really know the ins and outs of other people’s finances, so I want to be thoughtful about that. Anyway, ideas for reaching out and being of service in this time?

    1. nep*

      Nice of you. I think gift cards is a good idea–for either goods or services. If you’re close enough to some of them, too, you could directly ask them if there’s anything in particular that would help. I get that a lot of people will say no, even if they can think of things that would help. But some might speak up and let you know.
      Thanks for your kindness and all the best

      1. Texan In Exile*

        I think that’s really nice, too. I lost my job in December – not covid, obviously, but in a re-org – and the nicest things people did for me were to offer to be a reference for me and then to keep in touch with me since then. In addition, although not relevant for this case, it was also really nice when they expressed horror that the VP eliminated my position, questioned her judgment, and asked how the company would go on without me. :)

    2. Reba*

      I think that is really nice. Honestly, practical help is important but showing emotional support is just as key!

      We sent restaurant gift cards to some laid off coworkers of my spouse. Spouse framed it just as you did — if this were normal times, I’d take you out for dinner or happy hour, so use this card to order that for yourself!

      And I sent a grocery gift card to my intern because she suddenly had to uproot her whole life.

      1. Reba*

        Oh yeah, and like nep says (hi, nep!) we asked them to tell a fave restaurant or neighborhood joint. Obviously that’s more work than a Starbucks card, but it had the added bonus of throwing some business to local restaurants.

    3. Notthemomma*

      Rather than a Starbucks, could you go the local gas station or grocery chain? They can still get a treat, but they may be a bit more appreciative of something tel help with more ….necessary items?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Really good idea. Here we have a gas/convenience store chain with gift cards. Most people use these stores. The beauty of this idea is they can buy a treat (ice cream, coffee) or get a necessity (gas, grocery basics) whichever they think is best.

      2. Clisby*

        Yes – I don’t like Starbucks, so not sure how that comes up as a nice gift. I’d just throw the card away.

  58. RagingADHD*

    Social media oddity:

    Last week I had an online grocery pickup scheduled a few days out, so I asked in my neighborhood moms’ FB group if anyone needed anything. I don’t know everyone in the group personally, but it’s a very community-spirited bunch.

    I had a couple of takers and asked them to DM me. One replied with a totally reasonable request, but gave me her real name. She said that her FB profile is an alias because she works for a GC (general contractor? General counsel? No idea.) and “thinks get crazy, you know?”

    No, I don’t know.

    Her alias isn’t just a slight modification of her name, or a nickname. It’s a completely different persona, with a different ethnicity and a cartoon avatar to match the fake ethnicity (white pretending to be Asian, common Asian-American name).

    Well – I haven’t seen her in person, but her real name is basically Karen McWhiterson, and she thinks her persona is extremely hilarious in a way that just…yeah.

    Now, In my old career I worked for general counsels of a couple different organizations. Obvs there were social media policies that I had to be mindful of, but it wasn’t that complicated. It was stuff like “don’t post about what you’re working on, don’t badmouth the company, and don’t post about politics if you list the company in your profile.”

    Stuff just didn’t “get crazy” in any way that would require a fake identity. A wild day at the office stayed very much at the office.

    Is there something about general contracting that attracts a high level of online harassment, stalking, or personal danger?

    The other mom enthusiastically friended me and has made comments about meeting up IRL when all this is over, but my spidey sense is tingling. I am wary of her level of personal chaos, and the idea of (probably) using a POC identity as a costume because it’s just so hilarious…it doesn’t sit right with me.

    Is it just me, or is the “working for a GC” thing specious?

    1. fposte*

      I think “let’s pretend to be Asian” is skeevy whatever GC means, but I wondered if it could be government contractor, which would make somewhat more sense than working in construction.

      1. RagingADHD*

        So she’s what, a mercenary? Why would government contracting necessitate a false identity?

        Unless maybe she’s using the fake one to spout opinions that would get her fired?

        1. fposte*

          Not everybody’s a fan of Halliburton and their ilk. I don’t think it’s completely unreasonable to want to avoid getting random hate messages if you work for a lightning rod company. I do think it’s unreasonable to cosplay as another race to do it.

          1. RagingADHD*

            Ah, I see. They don’t have a presence here afaik but there’s some aerospace and maritime work within a 4-hour radius that probably have defense aspects. A bit far afield tho.

        2. Sunset Maple*

          My husband was required to conceal his identity when using social media because he worked with juvenile offenders who were often gang members. You’d be surprised what necessitates caution, it’s not all hitmen and spy games.

          Can’t comment on the cosplay aspect, though.

      1. Cat*

        Yeah lots of Asian people in America have “white” sounding names for a variety of reasons (marriage, adoption, assimilation).

      3. ThatGirl*

        Anecdote: My cousin is half Asian, he has his dad’s Swiss-German last name. His fully Asian wife took his last name. So her name reads as Christine Schmidt, let’s say. She’s definitely not what you’d expect her to look like based on her name.

        1. Courageous cat*

          So there aren’t Asian Americans with American-sounding names? This feels like a pretty bad take to me. I would try to work on unpacking the idea that anyone should “look like” anything based on their name OR race.

          1. ThatGirl*

            Of course there are, and it would be great if nobody ever had preconceived notions about what someone looks like based on their name. But we’re not in that world; I have a name that means some people assume I’m black or Latina. And I wonder sometimes if my cousin’s wife ever feels like her identity is erased a bit with such a historically white last name.

            1. Courageous cat*

              Just because people have preconceived notions (which is true) doesn’t mean it’s right to validate other’s preconceived notions by continuing to talk about them. Let’s make it normalized for anyone to have any name, rather than having it be 2020 and us still talking about how it’s “kind of unusual” in any capacity. That’s how we’ll see growth and progress.

              1. ThatGirl*

                I was sharing a personal anecdote, not making a broad societal statement. And for some cultures, names are extremely meaningful. It’s not as simple as you’d like it to be.

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Well, I have a cousin that works for the government and no one knows what she does. Really. If she even has social media, I strongly doubt it would be under her real name. And I don’t think my cousin tells just everyone that she works for the government. People in law enforcement, prosecutors, or those close to them could have a real need to conceal their identity online and they’re pretty common. It also doesn’t preclude them from being racist.

      And incidentally, you can be a POC and have a “Karen McWhiterson” name. Like another cousin of mine, who’s black but has a traditional “white” name. And may I mention the white as a ghost, true redhead named Princess that I knew in college?

      Be polite. If she’s a bad person, you’ll figure it out based on words and actions.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Well that just reinforces my side-eye about the whole, “I have to have an alternate persona because of my job, things get crazy you know.”

        If it’s a secret, why would she mention it at all? I just needed her address so I can drop off her bell peppers.

        I’ll probably never actually run onto her, it was just something out of the ordinary. Better than ruminating on PPE shortages, or whatever.

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          If your facebook looks anything like mine, you’ve been slapped in the face with how stupid many people are. Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

          And then you’ve got the weirdos who are paranoid who do fake names. Like my neighbor. Who is a decent guy. Just…. weird.

        2. Traffic_Spiral*

          Some people just don’t like having a lot of personal info out there. Having a few red herrings tossed into your online identity helps cut down on targeted spam, identity theft, random doxxing, etc. It’s not that big a deal, but some people just would rather have that extra layer of privacy – especially if they’re part of open online groups with strangers in them and stuff.

    4. Oak*

      People are giving you all sorts of reasons that this person could be legit, and it all could indeed be legit, but if your spidey senses are tingling, I say listen to them. What would be the benefit to you of meeting up with this person? Sounds like you already have friends and a good social network.

      Not saying she’s a bad person, or that you should shun her or badmouth her or anything, but if you don’t want to meet her or continue down any vein of friendship, just don’t.

      I learned long ago to pay attention to my heebie jeebies, and I have avoided a lot of drama and energy drain because of it. And I have friends with varying levels of personal chaos, that’s for sure, but it’s levels of personal chaos that they didn’t share with me before we were even friends!

  59. RMNPgirl*

    Did anyone else watch the Parks and Rec special? I think I had a big goofy grin on my face from minute one, until the song then I cried :). It felt like a warm hug from old friends and I’ve already watched it again.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      I loved it.

      Actors are just like the rest of us and can’t get haircuts right now.

    3. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      We JUST watched it! Loved it! Laughed so hard.
      Yeah, I needed that hug.

    4. Bluebell*

      I screamed when one of the guest stars showed up. Great way to take advantage of spouses quarantining together! Loved the whole thing.

  60. Anon and alone*

    ******************
    Happy Birthday
    ******************

    To all those who celebrate a birthday the week of May 3 to May 9, may you have a nice day, with those you love and who love you, both human and non-human, virtually or in person. May you enjoy the foods and drinks you like (and dance a little, if you’re so inclined). No matter how you’re celebrating, know that there are those out here who also wish you a Happy Birthday.

    Until next week.

    Thank you LGC for the kind thought.

    3. Pennyworth*

      Thank you! I’ll be alone as all my family are 2 hours away. I’m going to treat myself from our local patisserie, which is still open.

    4. Tessera Member 042*

      Thank you! I ended up scheduling my dissertation defense two days before my birthday, so (if all goes well) there’s going to be a whole lot of celebrating going on this week–stopped at the wine store today to stock up!

    5. Pharmgirl*

      Thank you! My parents want to see me, but I’m so afraid of accidentally giving them covid, so I’ll be celebrating alone. I’m trying to find a bakery that’s open to treat myself.

    6. All Hail Queen Sally*

      Thanks! My birthday is Tuesday. I usually buy myself something nice for a birthday gift, but I can’t think what I want this year. I am an introvert, so I am enjoying this time at home.

  61. Might be Spam*

    I’m using my hunkering-in-place time to let my dyed hair grow out and I am looking for a temporary fun color to use. I have dyed dark brown hair with about an inch of white roots showing. What would be a good color that would go with the dark brown?

    I’ve never done this before, so I am also looking for suggestions on what products to use. I’m hoping for something to blend the white and brown so there isn’t a stark line between the colors.

    2. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Are you planning to bleach? If so you can do pretty much any fun color. If not, you could do an auburn or go a few shades lighter.

  62. Narise*

    Strange encounter today..I ordered sandwiches from a local restaurant. I order from their regularly but usually only 1 sandwich,today I ordered 2. When I went in to pick up the order the manager said hi. And then she yelled across the restaurant that I ordered 2 sandwiches. I said yes and waited. She didn’t say anything and I finally told her one was for my sister which was true. I don’t know what her motivation was in doing this other than to embarrass me. My husband works for the same company so I don’t want to complain too much but I just can’t believe how rude she was over someone ordering 2 sandwiches. How would you handle this situation?

    1. Asenath*

      I’d just ignore it. There are a number of possible reasons for an action like that which don’t assume rudeness – she might have confused you with another customer (even if you’re a regular) and not remembered which one ordered two sandwiches; she might have remembered you, but wasn’t sure if she remembered your order because it wasn’t your regular order. And it’s not really a big deal if someone working in a restaurant confirms your order, even if she does it in a loud voice. I’m sure no one else in the restaurant cares one way or another.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Yeah, I’m seeing variations on:
        “Are you the two sandwich order, or the soup and pickle?”
        “Wait this is two sandwiches but you always get one, did someone mix up the slips?”

      2. LGC*

        I agree, because I’ve had the same thing happen to me sometimes! At the Chinese restaurant by my house that I order from regularly, the person at the front does the same thing (where she yells out the order). It’s mostly for the cooks/people getting the orders.

        And especially if you’re a regular and you usually order one thing, they might get a bit thrown if you order differently. It’s funny – I’ll normally order the same thing from another local restaurant, but on the rare times I order differently, the guy at the register will start to put in my regular order beforehand (I’m pretty memorable since I’m really tall, so it’s like “tall dude walked in, this is what he’s probably going to get”) and then I’ll gently correct him.

    2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      If I had been a fly on the wall I would just assume she was making sure she gave you the right order. Is there more context to explain why you think it was snark?

    3. nep*

      I don’t understand. What has to be handled? Did she have a nasty or snarky tone? I would just leave things be and ignore, but I think I might be missing something.

    5. Parenthetically*

      “I don’t know what her motivation was in doing this other than to embarrass me.”

      She thought she (or whoever took the order) might have made a mistake, since you usually only order one, or wanted to clarify that, of the multiple orders she was currently dealing with, yours was the one with two sandwiches.

      Genuine question: why would she want to embarrass you? She’s trying to operate a restaurant in an incredibly, unprecedentedly stressful time; my guess is that intentionally embarrassing customers is pretty low on her list of priorities right now. Why start with the most uncharitable interpretation of her actions?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Younger me did a lot of restaurant work. This is a pretty normal conversation when it comes to regular customers. If a regular changes their from their usual order, everyone tells each other so that the person goes out the door with what they want.

        Sometimes there would be banter. “Oh your testing me today, aren’t ya? Trying to keep me on my toes?” It’s just good-natured banter.

        I am also not clear on why 2 sandwiches is embarrassing. It’s a to-go order, you could ask for 10 sandwiches and it shouldn’t matter to anyone. I could be missing something here.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Yeah, add me to the “I don’t understand what’s embarrassing about 2 sandwiches” group. i mean, is it a pun? Does “2 sandwiches” have some sort of slang meaning I don’t know about? Is it a sex thing? Have we found the new Duck Club?

          I haven’t been this confused by sandwiches since that David Brooks article where he bemoaned his insensitivity in taking his high-school-educated friend to a [gasp] fancy sandwich shop, where her poor simple mind was unable to decipher the names of various Italian Deli Meats – bereft, as she was, of a proper college education.

    6. Princess Zelda*

      Given you say she “yelled across the restaurant,” I’m thinking part of your complaint is her volume? If she came out of the kitchen to verify your order, it’s entirely possible she just didn’t adjust her internal volume dial correctly. Kitchens can get incredibly loud, and sometimes you have to shout to be heard. When I worked in food service, I sometimes miscalculated how loud I was being even when I was at my (very, very quiet) house; it’s very likely similar for others.

      After you answered yes, what happened? Was she just staring at you, was she prepping food, was she prepping go-bags, or something else? Unless she had an incredibly nasty tone or was staring at you like an alien, I doubt any rudeness was intentional or meant to embarrass you.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        This is my interpretation as well. I also know that when a regular customer changes their usual order, the order-taker will give extra reminders to the person preparing the food so they don’t prepare the default.

    7. lazy intellectual*

      I’m confused about what the issue is? Was it possible that she yelling your order to another employee (out of your sight, like a cook) so he knew to give you the correct one? Because that would be a reasonable explanation to do that.

      1. Narise*

        No she was not confirming my order . I am not sure why everyone is so certain she was only confirming. My order was already bagged and I just walked in and picked it up. She didn’t have to say anything. She could have approached it completely differently if she was confirming. It was more she was making an announcement to the whole store that I had bought two sandwiches and was there for going to eat both and she wanted to make sure everyone knew it. I would think anyone on this site would know when someone is being intentionally rude to them vs being loud or clueless. This came across rude. I was asking how to deal with it.

          1. lazy intellectual*

            Yeah I’m blanking. Maybe it was her tone? Did it sound angry? Laughing? Mocking?

            There is nothing objectively weird about ordering two of the same thing, even if they are both for you. I doubt anyone in the restaurant – if they heard it – thought anything of it or even cared.

            I’ve ordered 2 of the same thing before because I wanted one for lunch and the other for dinner.

          2. matcha123*

            There must be some back story? I’m getting the impression that maybe the OP has experienced comments from people about how much they eat and the comment from the woman felt like a pile-on?
            I grew up with someone that would almost always interpret comments from others ungenerously. Like obviously the cashier has a bone to pick because she said “sweetie.” Which may be true, who knows, but I think that ordering from a different place would be the best option for the future.

        2. RagingADHD*

          Everyone is confused because it’s so odd and makes no sense.

          I believe you that she was being wierd about it, but there’s still nothing to “handle.” When people are randomly wierd at you, there’s really nothing to do but shrug it off.

          If you don’t like the way the manager acts, don’t go back. If she makes a habit of antagonizing or freaking out the patrons, the business will suffer. That’s the way it works.

        3. AvonLady Barksdale*

          But… maybe you were going to eat both sandwiches? It really doesn’t make a difference. Did you think she was judging you? It’s much more likely that she was surprised you ordered more than your usual one and maybe she was curious, but even then, think about whether that really matters. This is someone you have an established relationship with, she knows your patterns, I doubt she would try to antagonize you.

          “Two sandwiches today for you, huh?” is how I picture it, and that’s your opportunity to say, “Oh no, wrong order” or “Yes, two today!”

        4. Not So NewReader*

          So what if you eat both sandwiches. Why would anyone care?

          If you are used to picking up product all day long, two sandwiches in a bag will feel heavier than one sandwich, you’d notice that instantly. She could have just been making sure that it was the right bag for you.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            Is there a restaurant out there nowadays really wishing their regulars would order less food? Rather than double a usual order? (And when that happens, I think they assume “feeding a second person.”)

        5. The Other Dawn*

          “I would think anyone on this site would know when someone is being intentionally rude to them vs being loud or clueless.”

          Well, if any of us were actually there, we would. But we weren’t there. So, just going by what you wrote, we have no idea.

          “I was asking how to deal with it.”

          There seems to be nothing to “deal with” other than just get your sandwiches and get yourself home. *shrug*

          1. Fikly*

            If humans had the magic ability to know people intentions, there would be vastly less conflict in the world.

        6. Traffic_Spiral*

          “I was asking how to deal with it.”

          Eat your sandwiches?

          Look, no one else cares about how many sandwiches you order. Maybe you were extra hungry, maybe you were saving one for later, maybe the other one was for someone else… and none of these things are interesting to anyone else but you (and the other person eating the 2nd sandwich) and the restaurant worker making sure you have the right order. Apart from them, your sandwich consumption just isn’t interesting enough to motivate a comment.

        7. Arctic*

          It doesn’t matter that it was already bagged. It’s very normal to confirm the bag is right especially now when they don’t want people coming back because it’s wrong and increase contact.

          Every time I ever get pickup they read out the label to me.

          The answer to how to deal with it is there is nothing to deal with.

          1. Senor Montoya*

            Yes, because if the order’s wrong they have to fix it for you AND they can’t take the mistake-food back. This has happened to me a couple times with the grocery store. It’s an extra expense at a time when your margin is even thinner that usual.

        8. T. Boone Pickens*

          The correct answer is you order 4 sandwiches next time and see what happens.

        9. Fikly*

          This is a classic “someone’s behavior must be about me” reaction.

          People’s behavior is very rarely about you. People think very little about the people around them, they are too busy dealing with their own lives. Her actions almost certainly had to do with what she needed to get through that particular moment.

          Why did you think a response was even needed after you confirmed that it was for two?

          Also, why does having the order already in the bag mean she can’t be confirming the order was correct?

    9. Ashling*

      I don’t see any problem here? How was she rude? What about that encounter was supposed to be embarrassing?

      Absent a LOT more information, I think you are reacting very oddly to a normal seeming interaction.

    10. RagingADHD*

      I don’t get it either. If she was trying to be rude she seems very bad at it.

      What did you find embarassing about it? Did you think she was saying it would be greedy to eat two sandwiches yourself? Or that you shouldn’t be socializing with anyone?

      If she was trying to shame you for buying more food, she’s incredibly stupid. Selling people food is her job.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        I don’t want to make assumptions about the OP but…some women I know tend to be overly self-conscious about the amount of food they eat. This could (maybe, probably) be what is going on.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Yes, that’s common. I was asking to try to get context on the situation from OPs point of view, because it’s obvious this is an unusual situation.

          I also don’t want to reinforce the idea that one’s appetite of any size is shameful, because it isn’t.

    11. Wishing You Well*

      Shrug it off.
      The assumption “it’s not about me” is correct most of the time.
      P.S. The manager might be under a LOT of stress right now. Please give her a pass this time.

      1. WellRed*

        Love this! When I was younger, I often had that “it’s all about me” mis-assumption. Life is much more pleasant now with that notion shed.

      2. Courageous cat*

        Yep. No reason to give this literally a second more thought than it deserves.

    12. Senor Montoya*

      I wouldn’t go looking for offense where none is likely to be. If they know you and usually you order only one, assume that the boss just wants to get your order right.

      Chill.

  63. Princess Deviant*

    I don’t know if this is extreme fatigue from the virus or depression, or a combination of both or what, but it’s 6 in the afternoon and I’ve only just had a shower.

    Granted I did manage to have a half an hour walk this morning but I came straight home and went to bed and slept for a couple of hours.

    It’s really getting me down. I live on my own and I’m not having much contact with people. I don’t have very many friends.

    Any tips or happy stories you want to share will be lovely to hear.

    Take care and stay safe. Have a good weekend everybody.

    1. MissDisplaced*

      Are you recovering from COVID? Because if you are that is really to be expected. I have heard people say it felt like being run over by a truck! And that is even with milder cases. Your body needs the rest as it heals. Don’t feel guilty about sleeping more or being “lazy” and sluggish. Totally NORMS.

      If you can tomorrow, why not call some family or friends just to say hi? Even if just a 5 or 10 minute call, it’s something.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Yes, I believe I did have it. I had really mild symptoms, but the fatigue is… something else.
        Thanks for your kind words.

        1. MissDisplaced*

          Take care of yourself! Sleep all day if you feel you need it. Nothing wrong with that.
          I think that is what is so insidious about this virus. Unlike the flu, It seems to drag out a really long time, even in those with milder symptoms. If you have a place nearby to get tested, you probably ought to. IDK, but I think I’d want to know for my own piece of mind.

          I hope you start to feel better soon. :-)

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Ah, fatigue is worse than your most antagonistic cohort. Fatigue can take any thought and turn it into pure misery. “Yeah, I know you won a million dollars but your too fn tired to spend it. So there!”

          One thing I have done with negative thoughts from fatigue is tell myself, “I will just think about that later, when I feel more rested/recuperated.” I postpone the thought until a better time when I can actually sort it.
          Next step is to dive into something that will take your mind off the negative stuff- a book, a movie, eh, even a nap. Sometimes if the thoughts are too heavy then a nap is really the best route to go. Lack of rest can really pull the thinking down even if Covid-19 or other illness is not present. Fatigue causes the thinking to tank, by itself.

          1. Princess Deviant*

            Oh yes, so true. That is a good technique as I know I am worrying about uni-work and work-work and health etc etc.

            Last night I was listening to Jennifer Ehle read Pride & Prejudice, which was very nice. I shall take it easy today!

    2. WellRed*

      Can you afford to get delivery of a nice meal? Just a short term pick me up, but something to look forward too.

      1. Nessun*

        Agreed, a treat or pick me up is a good idea if you can do it. I fought similar malaise earlier in the week and it took a long walk in the sunshine to pick up a present for myself on Friday before I felt like myself again. Do something nice for your self, that requires as little effort as you feel necessary to get a good shot of comfort. I hope you can feel better soon.

      2. Princess Deviant*

        No, but I can think of something nice that I can do for myself, thank you :-)

    3. Nacho*

      Don’t be so hard on yourself, that’s one more shower than I’ve had in the past 3 days.

      2. Princess Deviant*

        Hi both. I’m sorry you’re struggling too. I wouldn’t say that I am being hard on myself, more that I am feeling depressed and tired. Reading this comment makes me think that there is a cut off-for feeling terrible, and not having a shower till the evening means I shouldn’t be feeling as bad as I am!

    4. Koala dreams*

      6pm seems a bit early for a shower, but I guess if you are tired it’s good to already have showered so you only need to brush your teeth when you want to go to bed.

      I’m writing postcards to elderly relatives to cheer me and them up. Before Easter I painted Easter cards, but now I don’t know what to paint. I don’t think Ramadan cards are a thing. What’s next holiday?

      Thank you and have a good day you too!

      2. Anono-me*

        The next celebration days for us are:
        May 5
        Maj Femte/Liberation Day for Denmark
        Cinco de Mayo for the USA and Puebla Mex.
        May 7-14
        Birthday week for our family
        May 10
        Mother’s Day for USA
        May 25
        Memorial Day for USA

    5. Anono-me*

      In my experience healing takes a great deal of energy. We are finding out new information about everyday and some of the information I have seen seems to include fatigue as a newly identified symptom.

      I just feel like you are holding your self to a higher standard of productivity while recovering from a disease (that has been declared a word wide pandemic) than I think you would hold anyone else to. Maybe it is worth considering what you would expect from someone else in a similar situation.

      Please be kind to yourself. (And maybe check with your doctor by email if your symptoms warrant.)

  65. Anon for Thinking About Moving*

    I used to love my bustling, very urban neighborhood. I never felt threatened by people who were homeless, and would converse with people who started a conversation. Now I am in a high-rise building in an emptied out ghost town. I fear going in the elevator and doing my laundry in the shared facilities. The number of people in crisis seems to have multiplied, and there is no busy commerce going on to hide it. I find it extremely stressful to go for walks, as there is at least a 50% chance I will get someone coming up very close to me and wanting to converse. I passed by someone who looked to be both homeless and deeply coughing. It feels like an urban dystopia.

    I want to move, but worry that is wrong to do. On the other hand, months of extremely stressful confinement await me. I know that I am fortunate compared to people who do not have jobs, who are in much more violent neighborhoods, who are sick, and on and on. I have a lovely apartment otherwise. I do not have an option to call someone up to go for a socially distanced walk in my neighborhood.

    1. Anonnington*

      Give yourself a break from the guilt. Your feelings are natural. It’s ok to recognize changes in how safe you are. That doesn’t need to be tied to any negativity towards people who are in different circumstances. You can care and look out for your safety at the same time.

      What are your concerns about moving? Is it a moral/philosophical issue or a logistical one? What would your options be?

      1. Anon for Thinking About Moving*

        Financially I have the means to move. My concerns are:
        1) Is it fair to bring in a moving service to my building?
        2) Given I don’t have a car and don’t drive, it’s really hard to scout out neighborhoods to ensure I am making a good choice and won’t end up in a worse situation.
        3) Related to #1, I feel like a move opens up a lot more exposure, and I have been working so hard to minimize exposure.

        1. Reba*

          Might be worth contacting a few movers and ask what they are doing for safety and to mitigate exposure.

          There are plenty of scenarios where a moving team could not maintain the 6-foot distance (e.g. moving a chest of drawers that’s 3 feet wide). But I bet there are creative things that the pros are coming up with to keep things going.

          If you are able to move a lot of your belongings yourself, a solution like the rentable box things might work — you could have helpers that move just a few big items for a short time, and you could handle the rest yourself over a few days.

          Ugh, moving is so terrible no matter what. But I definitely think it’s something you should explore.

          The scouting will be difficult. Can you activate your social network to find friends of friends etc. that live in areas you’re considering?

        2. Anonnington*

          That makes a lot of sense. Those are good concerns.

          So much hinges on the unknown right now. When will things get better? How much worse will it get before it gets better? When and how will other areas be affected?

          I say do your research and draw your own conclusions about the above, and proceed accordingly.

    2. Moving_Reply*

      Moving in a crisis–in the midst of a divorce, dealing with the death of a loved one–is generally an unwise decision. Making any major change in the midst of a crisis is generally an unwise decision.

      1. Anon for Thinking About Moving*

        I get that, but I feel confident that in 2020 I will never be able to walk outside for even 5 minutes without extreme stress if I don’t move.

        1. TL -*

          One reason that suggestion is made is because your feelings – including confidence, assurance, fear, and certainty – are a lot stronger than they would be normally.

          Nobody knows how much confinement is left – most states in the USA, including cautious, hard-hit ones, are actively discussing and planning for re-opening. Hospitals and experts are, too.

          Personally, I would look into the logistics and options for moving, and open up the possibility for yourself, but not make a decision anything soon.

          Also, I would suggest wearing visible head/earphones during a walk. You don’t need them to playing anything to deter others from speaking to you.

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Aside from the moving question, you are also showing the strain of the times. Take care of your mental health. It might help with the bigger picture of to move or not to move.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Just a thought, would someone talk on the phone with you while you take your walk. This is two birds/one stone. People will see you on the phone and be less inclined to talk with you. And you’d have company for your walk.

      1. Anon for Thinking About Moving*

        That is a great suggestion and I think it might give me some peace. I will have to be careful as I have previously given up doing that due to possible injuries from inattention.

    5. cleo*

      That sounds hard. I also live in a formerly bustling urban neighborhood and it’s weird. I live in a low rise building with my spouse so I’m not dealing with an elevator but I hate going into our communal laundry room now.

      I’m wondering if you could find someone to take socially distant walks with through a neighborhood group. Does your neighborhood have any kind of mutual aid society or community response team? Or a decently moderated community FB group / online message board? Even if you don’t find a walking companion it might help to feel more connected to your neighborhood.

      I’ve volunteered a little with my local community response team and it’s made a huge difference in how I feel about my neighbors and neighborhood.

  66. Neighbors who smoke*

    Advice on dealing with neighbors who smoke? We live on the top floor of a condo. Sometimes when we have the windows open, out of nowhere comes a very strong smell of cigarette smoke. I think it’s the people directly below us. I find the scent moderately annoying, but it makes my spouse light-headed and nauseous, so we always have to shut the windows and turn on all the fans, etc to vent the house. It is a very strong smell, stronger than if you walk by someone who’s smoking.

    Technically people are allowed to smoke on their own balcony, but would I be an asshole for asking them to not? There’s open spaces around our building where they could smoke. Also I don’t know who it is, so would it be weird to leave a note under someone’s door? Idk it frustrates me that we have to close the windows because of this person when fresh air is soooo important right now that we’re all stuck at home. Any advice?

    1. fposte*

      Can you compromise by asking them to text you if they’re heading out to smoke so you can close your windows up?

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I think that would be the best way to go about it. If they’re allowed to smoke, they should be able to do so. I don’t like the smell either, but that’s building life.

        Next time you smell it, go to your balcony and try to figure out which apartment it’s coming from and leave them a note with your number. But– and this is really important– make this request about you, not them. As in, you’re not asking them to stop smoking, it’s just that the smoke doesn’t agree with you so you want to mitigate it in your condo.

      2. Morningstar*

        What? Huh? They’ll be getting texts all day every day at all hours IF their neighbor would even agree to do that :(

    2. Anono-me*

      Also if you can identify which windows the smoke is coming in from oh, it might be helpful to put a small fan in that window backwards so it is blowing the air out and keeping the smoke out. Also if you have a balcony with open decking, it might be worth looking into one of those ceiling fans that you hang from a hook and plug into an outlet. That way you can borrow the smoky air back down.(Someone on here was talking about the non-installed ceiling fan at one point and maybe they can offer more information if you decide look into the fans.)

    3. Kathenus*

      Maybe try a fan in the window near their balcony that blows out to keep the smoke from coming in there? Then your other windows could be open for fresh air.

  67. tangerineRose*

    Suggestions for healthy vegetarian breakfasts that are easy to put together?

    Thanks!

    1. Princess Zelda*

      If you eat eggs (I know some vegetarians who do and some who don’t), omelettes are super easy, and you can put whatever you want in them; same with scrambled eggs, which are even easier. Smoothies are also super-easy and super-customizable. I’ve found frozen fruit at my local dollar store even when the grocery store is sold out, and protein powder doesn’t seem to be flying off the shelves in my area.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Salad with a poached or fried egg on top. An easy way to get lots of vegetables.

        1. Sam I Am*

          I use mostly dried beans for cooking, but have a couple of canned varieties on hand to add a protein boost, like on top of… whatever is leftover, often salad.

          Same with beans on toast or in a tortilla.

          Super quick: frozen waffles with some peanut butter spread on so it’s melty and a drizzle of maple syrup

          Oatmeal with peanut butter stirred in

          Oh my gosh, now my stomach is rumbling!

    2. lazy intellectual*

      My favorite vegetarian brunch is: Garlic mushroom with a dash of coconut milk for creaminess (if you eat dairy, you can use actual cream, too), vegetarian baked beans (I just get these canned….I’m not sure if they are considered healthy), eggs, and sauteed spinach. Rye bread if you want some carbs.

    3. Clementine*

      Oatmeal is a common staple for me, and you can do so many things with it, both sweet and savory.

    4. nep*

      Might not sound simple to put together, but I’m so used to it I could do it in my sleep…I mix rolled oats, chia seeds, ground flax seeds, hemp powder, and cinnamon in a cup or bowl and toss it with chunks of banana. (Sometimes I don’t have all those items, but as many of them as I’ve got on hand–ideally all.) Could be any kind of fruit.

    5. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      I eat a peanut butter and nutella sandwich for breakfast most mornings. Cheap, fast, delicious and good protein.

    6. another scientist*

      peanut butter and jelly on bread, with banana on top, or other fruit on the side.
      Avocado toast, with tomatoes or a bit of cheese
      if it looks like it won’t be filling, I throw a handful of nuts on the plate as well.
      and of course, yoghurt on fruit, topped with walnut pieces or granola.

    7. Alex*

      I love eating fried rice for breakfast. Not easy to put together, in the morning, but you can cook a batch and have it for several days. I usually put egg in mine, but you can have it with just vegetables too, or add tofu (if you can find it!). I know “fried” doesn’t sound super healthy, but if you use a moderate amount of a healthy oil, brown rice, and a lot of vegetables, it ‘s not half bad.

      If you eat dairy, I love whole milk greek yogurt with some homemade granola. I make big batches of homemade granola with peanut butter, honey or maple syrup, oats, and cinnamon. Fruit (fresh or frozen) is good on top. I also sometimes eat the granola with milk (or non-dairy milk) and add raisins and sliced almonds.

    8. Not A Manager*

      Smoothies made with yogurt and fruit.

      Muesli with milk or with yogurt. We’ve been making our own muesli, which is surprisingly easy and then you can control the ingredients. (Obviously you can use non-dairy milks or yogurts if you prefer.)

      I like grapefruit in any form, but for a special treat you can sprinkle it with brown sugar and cinnamon and put it under the broiler for a few minutes.

      Fruit salad.

      I do like eggs, and I like savory for breakfast, so I make a big batch of shakshuka (you can find recipes online) and keep it in the fridge. When I want some, I heat up a bit and put a poached egg on it. I’ll do the same with many leftover vegetables – my husband makes delicious Brussels sprouts, and I always ask him to make extra so I can have them for breakfast with a poached egg. If you don’t like eggs but you do like savory, there’s no reason not to have whatever you ate for dinner as your breakfast.

      1. Not A Girl Boss*

        I typically do not like eggs but lovveee shashuka. Especially with a bit of ricotta cheese in it. Totally masks the egg flavor.

    9. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      I like to saute whatever veggies I have on hand, then pile them on one side of the pan and fry an egg on the other. Throw it all in a bowl with a dash of hot sauce, and you have a healthy breakfast in 10-15 minutes. It’s a good way to use up vegetables if you tend to end up with half a pepper, just a few slices of zucchini, or whatever.

      1. MuttIsMyCopilot*

        Oups, just saw that you don’t like eggs! You could easily sub tofu or tempeh, or some canned beans. You can also wrap it all up in a tortilla with a bit of cheese and salsa for something different.

    10. Not A Girl Boss*

      Lifelong vegetarian. I have to avoid carbs in the morning or my blood sugar gets whack, but before that my go to was peanut butter + apple or English muffin. Now it’s:

      Egg bites:
      -12 eggs
      -1 bag cheese
      -3 scoops unflavored protein powder
      Pour in a greased muffin tin and bake at 350F

      Plain greek yogurt, frozen raspberries, granola. I dish it all out at the beginning of the week so the raspberries thaw and get all juicy.

      Coffee shake: iced coffee, ice, unflavored protein powder, half and half, cocoa powder, peppermint extract, blend.
      Easier version: flavored protein powder in a protein shaker with iced coffee instead of water, and a healthy fat like coconut cream drizzled in.

      Smoothie: 1 cup berries, 1 cup kefir , protein powder, greens, blend.

      No-Oat-meal:
      -2 tbsp almond flour
      -2 tbsp hazelnut meal
      -2 tbsp hemp seeds
      -1 tbsp chia seeds
      -1 tbsp flax
      -frozen raspberries
      I measure it all out into Pyrex before the week starts. Refrigerate. Again, berries get juicy. Add hot water when ready to eat and stir in peanut butter, voila.

      Hard boiled eggs, cheese sticks, and almonds.

      An avocado smashed up in a bowl and topped with everything but the bagel seasoning, plus a side of hard boiled eggs.

    11. mystiknitter*

      Jimmy Kimmel did a quick video on his kids’ favorite breakfast – ‘Pasta Tini’ – a pound of pasta (he used cavatappi) cooked up, a few garlic cloves gently cooked in olive oil pureed with a can of undrained cannellini beans and mixed into the drained pasta, served with a sprinkle of Parmesan cheese (he removed the garlic cloves before pureeing for the kids). I’ve had that a few times already and am working my way through a pantry of canned beans to get to the dried beans. Excellent reheated with some frozen peas or corn or other leftover vegetables!
      And if you’re open to exploring the what the world eats for breakfast, I’m here to recommend Japan – pickled vegetables, rice, grilled fish, miso soup, nori (except natto – I haven’t evolved). How about a vegetable curry or a lovely bowl of soup? or my current favorite – baked potato with saucy beans? So many cultures eat pickled vegetables or rice with breakfast that that’s a sure sign they must be satisfying. Tacos, anyone? That classic – cold pizza or a pinch of spaghetti? As others have suggested, all these can be made ahead and reheated during the week. Those garlic mushrooms mentioned below sound delicious!

    12. Jaid*

      Rice and beans cooked in coconut milk instead of water, with dates, shredded coconut, cinnamon, nutmeg, and whatever other spices you like. You may have to soak the beans, but other than that it’s rice and beans, yo. Maybe toss in some seeds for crunch.

    13. Pharmgirl*

      Baked oatmeal? You can make a pan of it as meal prep and have a square each day for breakfast.

    14. Chaordic One*

      If you don’t do cheese, there are some good imitation cheeses available from “Daiya.” Also, Nutritional Yeast can be a good substitute for mozzarella sprinkled on toast or eggs or egg substitutes.

    15. Pam*

      I just read(LA Times) a suggestion for summer berry pudding for breakfast, with added yogurt. Yum

  68. Anon-a-souras*

    Any ideas about how to help a 9yo with anxiety who hates School zoom because it makes him sad?

    My son is 9, 4th grade. ADHD and anxiety. Not medicated but was in therapy until this mess. It’s a battle to get him to join the classroom meetings or zooms we set up with a friend. Finally we talked enough to identify that he doesn’t like how he feels when it’s over. Which, I do get, I feel it too sometime.

    Both of the grownups are working more than full time from home, at jobs that make it really hard to have a rigid daily schedule. His sister is in Kindergarten. Oh and both kids have been in daycare/school pretty much their entwine lives. I think this is the first time away longer than 3 weeks. We are on week 6, I think, and in a part of CA where everything is shut down till May 31 at least.

    1. MissDisplaced*

      I’m not exactly sure what a School Zoom is? You mean like online school/classes? So, he’s sad when they end because he doesn’t have the interaction afterwards?

      If that’s the case, it seems like when the Zoom is over to try and re-focus his attention on something fun immediately after. Like some outdoor recess to get the energy moving, some sunshine, air, etc. Light physical activity of some type, or a short play time or creative activity.

      I don’t have kids, so I’m not expert. Just thinking back to my own days in elementary school.
      There was a reason we had two or three short recess periods a day at that age, usually after 1-2 hours of focus in the classroom. And we mostly always went outside, even when it was cold as crap! Because it’s good for kids to get out and just move: playing with balls, toys, climbing, running, and all that kid stuff. I can see why he’s sad if he isn’t getting as much of that anymore.

      I know it’s hard to supervise recess if you’re also trying to work your job. It’s really unfair what parents are going through right now, both having to work and play teacher when that isn’t the normal.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Zoom is an online video meeting service that many schools are using right now for classes.

    2. nep*

      I don’t have any recommendations at this point…Just chiming in to send you good vibes and big hugs. It has to be so tough to see your son go through that.
      I hope you’ll find some relief/solutions.

    3. Reba*

      How much can you let go? What would happen if he didn’t do anymore classroom Zooms — the year is almost over anyway, right? You could explain to the teacher that the Zooms are having a negative impact on Kid and he needs to cut back.

      May be worth trying to tease out more detail about what about the Zooms is problematic. Is it the screen, overstimulation of many faces, hates being on camera, missing friends, etc…. that may give you other ideas how to mitigate it.

      For friend socializing, maybe playing a game together online or through a console could work better than Zooming with cameras on?

      This is so, so hard on kids and parents alike.

    4. Not A Girl Boss*

      Try getting Jocko’s children’s book series for him. The first book is “way of the warrior kid” but the one I’m thinking about in particular for him is “Mikey and the Dragons” which is particularly about anxiety. It teaches kids that bravery isn’t about not being scared, but rather about doing the things that are hard and scare you.

    5. Saddesklunch*

      Hi there! I’m a school social worker who works with kids your son’s age. (Also this comment got long, sorry!)

      First, if it’s possible financially/logistically I wonder if your son could either continue therapy through Telehealth or with a school counselor/social worker to talk through some of his feelings. You might also be able to reach out to his therapist for some ideas for supporting him. If his school has a counselor/social worker you can probably reach out to his teacher for a referral for services.

      Second, I would let him know that it’s okay and normal to feel sad (or whatever it is that he’s feeling), especially when he’s doing something that reminds him how life is different now than it was before the pandemic. I’ve found that even simple reflections of kids feelings back to them (eg “I can see that you feel really sad about not being able to see your friends in person/go to school like normal and that video chatting sometimes makes it feel even worse”) are surprisingly effective because it helps kids to feel seen and to put words to their feelings, which is something they’re still working on at that age. You might want to process/talk more about those feelings with him. This might take less time than you would think, because kids his age often have a shorter attention span/tolerance for talking about feelings, and that’s fine! It sometimes works better to have feelings talks in shorter chunks or bursts. I also find that it helps to remind children that all feelings are normal but that no feeling lasts forever (feelings come and feelings go is a go-to phrase of mine). I think this is especially helpful for anxious kids because when anxiety is active it feels like it will never end, even though it definitely will!

      Third, after you’ve reflected back to him and maybe talked more about his feelings, enlist his help in coming up with a game plan for what he can do to help himself recover after zoom class or chats with friends. This could look like taking some deep breaths and/or moving his body, planning a fun distraction (music, tv, games), doing something with a family member, writing down how he feels, making art, or something totally different. If he was seeing a therapist he’s probably had a discussion about coping skills before, but he’ll probably still need some coaching. Have one of you write it down so it’s easy to access and remember what works for him.

      Things will probably still be up and down for him because this is a difficult and scary time for all of us, but hopefully some of this is helpful for you. It seems like you’re doing a great job parenting your kid <3

    6. Not So NewReader*

      If he doesn’t like how he feels when it’s over, perhaps planning his next activity at the end of class would help?

      I remember as a kid when company left the house, it felt sad- lonely. It was hard to find something that I wanted to do. Planning for that “let down” might have helped some.

    7. Pennyworth*

      Could you get you son to plan things with his friends in his Zoom sessions so he has something to when he finished each sessio. Like making stuff to show each other, or writing lists of what they will do together as soon as they can meet up, or even collaborating on school work.? If you have a date for school reopening perhaps counting down the days would give him something to look forward to.

    8. Mimosa Jones*

      Could using Zoom be functionally difficult for him and that causes the feelings afterwards? The whole pandemic and isolation probably also has a big role in this, but I’m wondering if there are some concrete issues that you can address that will also help with his feelings. Can you change some of the physical aspects of how he zooms: headphone vs earbuds vs computer audio, video or no video, computer location, sit on a yoga ball or seat cushion, have fidget toys handy, etc, and see if that helps any? Are some times in the day better than others? Could it be a video overload or ‘too much cake’ issue where it’s natural that he’d feel let-down afterwards and can you then build in some recovery time? And does he have an IEP so that you can ask for accommodations as you figure out what helps him?

      Also look into a sensory diet and activities that could help him cope and recover. Solutions could be as easy as giving him carrot sticks and pretzel rods at lunch and wrapping him up in a blanket burrito or giving him some “heavy work” during the day. It’s meant for people with sensory integration difficulties (which often overlap with adhd) but the techniques can be helpful for others as well. There’s also a book called “How does your engine run” that could be helpful. If his engine is running at a speed more appropriate for playing soccer, then staying still for a day of zoom classes would be very difficult and someone with anxiety may internalize those feelings instead of acting out. Repetitive and rhythmic movements like swinging, marching to music, bouncing a ball, jumping rope or on a trampoline can also be helpful releases.

  69. Cute Li'l UFO*

    Bone Bruise Diaries!

    Yes, it still hurts. I nailed it on Easter. I caught myself thinking “Is this the new forever?” the way I usually do with bad injuries. It never is the New Forever.

    I can work a bit with the brace off but too much and it hurts. I do sleep with it off per recommendation. I did torque it a bit opening drain cleaner yesterday, but what can you do.

    My kindle has been missing in the house and the more that I think about it the more irritated I get. Moved it off the bed to change sheets and may as well have yeeted it into the sun. Sucks because I was REALLY enjoying Saint X (thanks for the rec, Allison!)

    I need to roll up my area rug, vacuum, and store it until I can get a better carpet pad but I hate being sidelined. The rug is becoming a trip hazard since it loves to bunch up. I’m only part joking about being a day away from nailgunning it down to the floor.

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      To find your kindle – go clean your room. Strip your bed. Shake out the blankets, vacuum under the bed, etc. Odds are it’s in there somewhere, probably in or under something.

      And they actually did used to nail rugs to the floor.

      1. Cute Li'l UFO*

        It usually lives on my bed but the last thing I remember was seeing it on the floor and moving it elsewhere (not the bed since I was changing sheets) lest it get crushed. If I wasn’t in a splint I probably would have yanked everything apart weeks ago.

        I do remember, maybe not personally but having toured some old homes. Perhaps they were onto something! Back to sorting files then. :\

    2. Wishing You Well*

      Sorry you’re having these issues. I hope it all gets better – soon!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I got some Roberts carpet tape for my rug here and I have been pretty happy with how it worked. My dog runs through the house and somehow this involves wadding up the edges of the carpet. And I get to trip/fall over it. The tape was easy to use. My only question will be how much problem I will have with the hard wood floor later. For now, it’s doing what I need it to do.

      1. Cute Li'l UFO*

        It’s hilarious how adept at pets are at making rugs look like ribbon candy.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Ribbon candy, indeed. I am very frugal with using lights/electricity in the house. I had to put night lights near the areas where he wads the rugs up. I was so. very. tired. of falling and catching myself. Finally, I just said, screw the hardwood floors and decided I’d figure out how to clean that adhesive off later. ha!

    4. Elizabeth West*

      Look behind the head of the bed; it may have slipped down there. I lost a book that way once.

  70. Poppy*

    Is anyone else having scary landlord issues because of the quarantine right now? I have two kids, 2 and 4, and all of the parks and beaches here are closed. We live in apartments, and the neighbors complain about the kids crying and playing so much that the landlord is now threatening to evict us. My state protects renters with children but discrimination complaints never get followed up on here, and I can’t afford to fight an eviction. I also can’t afford to pay for movers right now or put down first and last months rent and a security deposit somewhere else. I don’t know what to do. I can’t talk to the neighbors about how to resolve it, the apartment says if I approach anyone it’s harassment and they’ll call the police, and I already do everything to keep the noise down. I’ve always paid my rent on time, but I do have an emotional support animal and my landlord was really really upset about that when I gave him the paperwork, so I think he’s been hoping to push us out for a while.

    I’m just scared to try to stay and end up in a scary court situation, scared to leave and move during a plague and spend money I don’t have, and scared to put my kids through all this.

    1. MissDisplaced*

      Well, during the pandemic there are SUPPOSED to be measures put in place to prevent evictions.
      And especially as schools and daycare are closed with no where else to take kids. So yeah, kids home all day = more noise and frayed nerves.

      Call your local state or city agency and ask about these measures and what your rights are, and report the landlord for the eviction threats if that’s possible. Because that seems pretty illegal.

    2. Anonnington*

      I think tenants’ rights groups and neighborhood community groups (online) are your friend here. Reach out and let other people know what you’re dealing with. Be objective about it. List each communication you received and ask for advice about the next steps and how to protect yourself.

      I wish I could be more specific about resources, but it really varies based on the area. Google until you find stuff and try different options so you’ll get different kinds of advice.

      1. Reba*

        Yes to tenants’ rights info.

        That’s really frightening, Poppy, I’m sorry.

    3. Aly_b*

      It may be worth seeing if you can get a lawyer to write a letter to the landlord on your behalf. Lawyer letters can get taken more seriously than just you telling them the same info, and if there is a discrimination law then having a lawyer write something can help “remind” the landlord of that and convince them that it might get followed up on and isn’t worth the risk. Most lawyers will do a free consult to figure out if they’re able to take on what you need, and preparing a letter should be much cheaper than moving. Make sure to mention that they say talking to the neighbors will be harassment as well, that sounds extremely questionable.

      1. WellRed*

        Bonus points if you can say you’re feeling harassed by all the complaints.

      2. Lawyers can be helpful*

        +1 on the lawyer suggestion. There are also legal aid-type services that can provide this kind of assistance for little to low cost. Some of them focus specifically on landlord-tenant issues, and lawyers routinely prepare these kind of letters. (The DC area has one such service where attorneys represent tenants on a pro bono basis.) I would suggest Googling to see if such a service is in your area.

    4. Theguvnah*

      I can’t tell if you’re in the US but if so consider emailing your state legislator and asking for help understanding the law and how to protect yourself. They will help you for free.

      1. Poppy*

        Yes to being in the US. that’s a good idea, I hadn’t thought of that!

        I know it’s definitely illegal, it just seems like there is so little to keep them from doing it anyway. And things seem to move really fast. I called a few lawyers but no one is doing free consultations right now, and I can’t afford to pay. Definitely have been googling a ton. I will check legal aid societies and the like. Thank you guys so much for all the good ideas.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Here in NYS no one can file an eviction until mid-June? maybe longer. Perhaps your state has the same mandate going on.
          This would mean all the landlord can do is make scary noises at you. The legal aid idea is a good one for free help.
          Please start writing down what is happening so you have an accurate record to refer to.

          My friend works in legal. She said her advice to landlords was to act as soon as they think there is a problem. In other words, if he had a problem with your dog, he should have acted on it then. If landlords wait, things change and they lose their ground/standing. This is handy to know because your landlord may realize all he can do is make a lot of noise.

          Very sorry this is happening to you, I hope something happens to ease this situation very soon.

    5. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      I don’t know where you live, but maybe check with the state and city/town/county government. There are a number of places where landlords are flat-out forbidden to evict anyone right now (even for nonpayment of rent). There are others where nobody is being evicted because the court the landlord would have to use is closed because of the pandemic.

      (I know this may not apply, but I saw a post elsewhere by someone with landlord issues, and it was pointed out that they couldn’t evict her, because they couldn’t get a court date right now.)

    6. Black Horse Dancing*

      I don’t know if you can claim discrimination because landlord is threatening eviction because you have kids, they are threatening–according to what I understand–because your family is noisy and disturbing others. (Landlord probably has witten complaints). Check with legal aid.
      If the neighbors already have a no contact order, this doesn’t look good.

    7. persimmon*

      Here’s a website run by a consortium of legal aid groups: lawhelp.org. You can use it to find either legal aid organizations that offer free help in your state (usually income-tested, so you may or may not qualify–but it’s worth a call since eligibility thresholds vary), or legal information specific to your state. There should be an eviction info sheet for almost every state: this is helpful because it describes exactly what your landlord would have to do to get you out and what your options would be.

  71. filosofickle*

    Wanted to share a suggestion for those who have time & want connection — a friend has organized a weekly movie club. Every week a streamable movie is chosen and we spend an hour on Sunday chatting about it.

    I mention this because what really works it that it forces a different conversation. Every conversation I have is about the pandemic or work in some way. There is nothing else to talk about! I’m not going places or doing things. And that repetition was making me want to not socialize. It was really refreshing to just spend an hour with lovely people, talking about something else.

    If I were running it I might do every other week, though. It’s a lot. I’d say about 4 people are showing up each week, out of maybe 8-10 invited.

  72. quswewro*

    Does anyone have suggestions on discouraging illicit activity in a neighborhood?

    My neighborhood contains a rather large park. There are signs all around that it’s for use by residents only. Personally, I don’t care about people outside of the neighborhood enjoying the park. I mean, I wish folks would pick up after their dogs, not litter, etc, but what can you do? In the summer when most neighbors sleep with their windows open, we have ongoing issues with teenagers & alcohol which often results in loud drunken fights that wake everyone. Even those I view with some amusement. I am disgusted by seeing the used condoms left by partiers, but what can you do?

    What I do find unacceptable is the folks who come into the neighborhood to use drugs. We’ve witnessed drug transactions & found crack pipes. The police have better things to do than patrol our neighborhood & going that route would require them to patrol frequently & for long enough for word spread that this neighborhood isn’t a good location to buy & use drugs. Plus, I’m sure as soon as the patrols stopped, the users would figure it out & return.

    There probably isn’t any good solution to this. Certainly I’m not thinking this is a problem that should be resolved during a pandemic. The stay at home order has just highlighted how bad the problem is. Has anyone successfully dealt with a problem like this?

    1. nep*

      Is this something local authorities are aware of?
      The couple of things to which you say ‘what can you do’ would be totally unacceptable to me–anyway, the second one for sure. I’m sure our neighbourhoods/contexts are different, but the latter would be enough for me to contact the police. People have the right to live in peace and without this kind of public nuisance.
      I understand what you mean about pulling resources toward something like this during the pandemic; I’m not sure how I would react during this time particularly. But I’m wondering whether the authorities have been informed and if so what if anything has been the reaction?

      1. tangerineRose*

        I’ve heard that sometimes when police have an extra police car, they’ll park it somewhere to discourage criminals – would an empty police car nearby maybe discourage drug users?

      1. quswewro*

        We have a neighborhood watch & that includes an officer who’s assigned to us (there are meetings). Neither the neighborhood watch nor the officer seems to affect this activity & it’s been going on for years & years & years. The drug use in the park seems to have been getting worse. My guess is my neighbors are reluctant to bother the police with nuisance complaints & have just accepted that this is a situation we’re all stuck with.

        I’m not assuming all the problems are from non-residents & that’s sort of beside the point. Regarding the drug use, prior to the pandemic, I only knew that there were cars parked around the park & not near any houses. During the before times when my neighbors & I were coming & going at all times of the day & night, I guessed that some of those cars didn’t belong to my neighbors or their guests. I mentioned the pandemic has highlighted the scope of the problem because a pattern has been established. During the day & evening, the neighborhood is very quiet with folks only leaving for the necessities. Then several hours after everyone has settled in for the night, cars start parking around the park & when I’ve bothered to watch, I see that the occupants of the vehicles simply remain in the park.

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        Because if you’re going to go to a park to have some drug fun you generally have the good sense to go where your neighbors can’t see and recognize you.

    3. KoiFeeder*

      Horrible, horrible idea:

      Put up “wasp bait” traps (usually raw hamburger soaked in fruit juice) around areas where drug transactions take place and drug paraphernalia is found. Put up signs warning about increased wasp activity and explaining that the traps are poisoned- but do not actually poison the traps. Wait for the wasps to come and colonize the park.

      Enjoy reduction in human presence.

      (obviously do not actually do this)

      1. Dan*

        I… for some reason find this post to be objectionable. We’re at a point in our society where civil discourse is at a breaking point (hell, who am I kidding, we’ve probably broken it) and these “I didn’t say what I just said” types of things do far more harm than good.

        Own what you say.

        For some dumb reason, I find the posed suggestion in and of itself rather amusing, but the framing needs to go.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          I am willing to tell people how to wasp an area, because it’s a useful thing to know (like, for example, if someone is going to try to turn off your utilities during a pandemic, wasping the area is a good way to keep that from happening). I am all in favor of weird nuisances and deterrents.

          But wasp allergies also exist! And, at least in the US, even though people aren’t legally supposed to be arrested at the hospital, there’s a history of the police performing drug-related arrests on people in the hospital. Irregardless of how I feel about people doing drugs in a public park (which is a solid please don’t), I don’t want someone dying because they got wasped and wouldn’t go to the hospital.

          Basically: Do wasp an area if your targets can get medical care. Don’t wasp an area if your targets can’t/functionally can’t get medical care. And always put up signs to avoid catching bystanders when you wasp an area.

          1. fposte*

            Geez, no. Don’t deliberately and illegally booby trap an area, whether people can get medical care or not.

            1. Fikly*

              Yeah, I mean, way to commit a crime because you are annoyed by drug users. Ever heard of two wrongs don’t make a right?

          2. ThatGirl*

            Wasp traps seem like they’d attract a lot more than wasps. And you have no idea who might be allergic or how their access to medical care is. I agree that this is a bad idea.

    4. WellRed*

      Contact your local city councilor and politely complain. Call the cops to report illegal or problematic behavior. Request additional patrols. Does the park need additional lighting? Can parking be unallowed? At least at night? The neighborhood needs to make it more of an inconvenience to use the park. It’s not to say any of this is easy, but without action, it can and will get worse.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        If you make another complaint to the police, please specify what nights and at what times the worst problems occur. I think that’d be very helpful for timing patrols.
        I hope things improve.

    5. university minion*

      Do residents actually use the park? If there’s not much activity, it becomes an attractive nuisance. If not many people are using the park, aim to change that. Encourage neighbors to use it – walk, jog, whatever is currently allowed- often and at all hours of the day that its safe to do so.
      Be the squeaky wheel with your local law enforcement. They probably even have a community policing division whose entire job is dealing with this sort of issue.
      Are the problem areas well lit? If not, that is a good project for your HOA to throw a few bucks at if they have it.

    6. Dan*

      I’m willing to take you at your word that the cops have better things to do than patrol your neighborhood, but I think it’s fair to ask if you *know* this to be a fact.

      I see your post below where you talk about neighborhood watch and what not. To which I would say: This is a big enough problem where enough community action and political pressure stands a chance of getting results. Somewhat separately, I’ve heard that the “broken windows” theory of policing has been debunked, but the behavior you describe is past the broken windows part.

      Over the long run, this kind of thing increases overall crime and drives down property values. It’s going to take some organizing and concerted effort on behalf of the whole neighborhood, but putting political pressure on the right people may get results.

      1. Not A Girl Boss*

        Yeah, I agree with talking to the local police. We’ve had similar issues with people using our housing associations beach, and asking cops to drive by every few hours basically solved the problem.
        They don’t have to sit around and catch everyone every time. It just has to be a frequent enough presentation to make ne’er-do-wells feel uncomfortable.
        Also, next time you see the stuff yourself, you can absolutely call the cops and ask them to show up.

    7. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I wouldn’t assume that I know what the police want to prioritize vs not. Inform them of the scope of the problem, tell them the timing and patterns, etc. Tell them that you’re not sure how much of a priority this would be, but they can’t make that call if they don’t know.

      My parent’s car was gone through last Christmas. I informed the police, nothing was taken or damaged, but figured they might want to know. Turns out, it was part of a wider pattern, and the information of this one would help them track it down.

    8. Anono-me*

      If it’s a privately owned Association Park two things:

      1. Check your Association liability and insurance coverage for the Park and any activity (including illegal) that happens. You don’t need a special assessment because a lawsuit. (Even completely frivolous and ridiculous lawsuits cost money to defend.)

      2. The parking in the streets around the Park are probably also private Association property. Your Association could post the Association streets and any parking spaces as ” Overnight Parking by Permit only. Violators towed at Owner’s Expense.” and find a tow company to take care of the towing.

      Even if it is a public park, you could ask for nighttime parking restrictions in the Park parking lot and on nearby streets with towing consequences.

      If people are driving to the park to commit annoying and dangerous illegal activities, they’re not going to want to have their car towed while doing so. Many towing companies offer this service at no cost to the property owner. They will patrol regularly and respond to calls. The cost of the tow is born by the vehicle owner. The only real hard part is making sure that people living nearby remember to display their local resident permits.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I’d suggest better lighting.
      And how about some cameras? If your municipality cannot afford cameras maybe they can put up fakes and install signs that say cameras are in use.
      Here parks are closed dusk to dawn. If someone is in the park after dark, that stands alone as breaking a law. Maybe the leadership of your town could get interested in such a law.

  73. Jennifer Juniper*

    Anyone have advice on how to deal with having to stay in place post-lockdown?

    My city has extended the stay-at-home order until May 15th. I have no problem with sheltering in place, practicing social distancing, and wearing a mask every time I leave the apartment.

    I am 45 and have no risk factors other than my weight. My wife is 55 and has eight autoimmune diseases, so she is on immunosuppressive therapy. This morning I told her I was volunteering for kitten yoga at the animal shelter on June 13th, provided the lockdown was over by then. She said that was up to me, but I was exposing myself to COVID-19 if I did that. She then proposed that I move out and that we have a long-distance relationship until they find a treatment/cure for COVID-19 if I did not stay on lockdown until then, even if my city opens back up.

    I live in Washington, DC. Our mayor is actually competent, so I trust her recommendations. However, I understand where my wife is coming from, since she is at extremely high risk. I acknowledge I am extremely privileged because I live in a beautiful apartment with my loving wife and we don’t have to worry about going back to work, taking care of kids, or anything else like that.

    How should I deal with missing out on everything when everyone else is let out of lockdown? I know I have to stay in place to protect my wife. I know I am being selfish and that cabin fever is a small price to pay for keeping my wife alive.

    1. Reba*

      Hi neighbor, this is a tough one. I think people in your boat (I’m in a similar position as the one with the illness, although it’s thankfully well controlled) are gonna have to keep being cautious way longer than the general populace.

      Your spouse’s suggestions sounds extreme, but it’s also compassionate. She wants you to be able to do things.

      I personally am both longing to go back to things I used to do, and really fearful. I don’t trust other people. I guess that’s the sticking point — *you* might do everything right when it comes to exposure on your volunteer gig, but still be undermined by someone else’s behavior.

      1. WellRed*

        Interesting. I didn’t read the wife’s response as compassionate at all, though I understand her concerns. But, move out until there’s a cure? They can’t cure the common cold, why do we assume there will be a cure for covid?

        1. Dan*

          Yeah, we can’t cure common cold, and we go about our business. But that doesn’t stop people from complaining about what sick people do pre-COVID19.

          And… I see her wife’s position on this. I told my dad the other day that “we the people” are putting up with lock down because this is a scary thing and few people understand it and its risks. But once “the people” *think* we understand the risks, as a whole, we won’t put up with lock down anymore.

          It’s also true that each and every person will have to establish their own tolerance. My parents are in a higher risk group, and they have friends who are in super high risk groups. Me? Not that high of a risk and I live by myself. I’ll be venturing out and about sooner than the higher-risk folks, and reasonably so. If I lived with a super high risk person, we’d have to agree on things together, and I hate to say this, if we can’t agree than living in separate spaces is probably reasonable.

        2. Reba*

          I’m trying to look at it in the best light :) It’s a compromise for different risk tolerances; I appreciated that she’s not saying “stay inside or divorce.”

          1. TexasRose*

            I think you missed the “immunosuppressive treatment” bit. This is not about risk tolerance. This is about different outcomes. Per today’s NYC death rates per age group, slightly more than 1 in 1000* people with confirmed cases and age 45-65 died of the disease. (I have no data about the underlying medical conditions of those who died.) This is the letter writer’s risk. *statista.com as of 4/29/2020.
            I have acquaintances who are immunocompromised, and we talked last flu season about how their doctors told them to stay at home because it would be a coin flip about whether they could survive your basic seasonal flu. The novel coronavirus arguably has about the same fatality rate as a seasonal flu (at least for the sake of this discussion, and based on the various preliminary results of testing and the percentage of asymptomatic individuals who carry antibodies).
            So: letter writer’s risk: slightly more than 1 in 1000 chance of dying if they go play with kittens and contract the disease, or
            LW’s spouse’s risk: about 1 in 2 (or higher) of dying if the LW brings a contagion (Covid-19, the seasonal flu, a common cold) home.
            If I were in the spouse’s shoes, I fear I would be considerably more blunt than they have been. (Of course, I have reactive asthma, so I know that if I get this crud, it’s highly unlikely I will survive it, which may color my opinions just a bit.)

    3. Dan*

      You’re in a tough spot with no good solution. The literal side of me understands your wife’s position, and perhaps I even agree with it. It’s not like any of us are in a position to establish the risk, and then determine what levels are acceptable.

      I say this as someone who isn’t at that high of a high risk, lives alone, and works from home.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Cabin fever IS a small price to pay to protect a vulnerable loved one. PLEASE stay home for now. New developments are happening almost daily. This won’t go on forever.
      You’re not missing out on that much. Look for ways to make this time productive and/or entertaining. You’ll want to look back and be proud of how you handled yourself during this time.
      Godspeed.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        And if you don’t want to stay in place, you should take up your wife’s suggestion to move out, even if it’s temporarily. You wouldn’t be a bad person for doing so – it is better than putting your wife at risk.

    5. MissGirl*

      This is changing constantly. If you can, wait a month and reevaluate. Maybe the numbers will go out of gray area to something that makes the decision easier (hoping that means lower). Also find out what precautions the shelter is taking and what you can take.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I agree with this. I have never seen such awful news reporting, one day it’s X and the next day “OH NO! Never, ever X!”
        How can people make decisions with useless information like this.

        Next layer of complexity:
        It’s a frequent problem that when we try to project out in to the future on any subject we can end up bumping heads with other people. The common thread is, “We aren’t there yet!”. We dunno what things will be and how they will look at that point. One person has one idea and another person has a different idea and so the arguing begins.

        I suggest you hold off on making any decisions here. I also suggest that as the time draws closer, the two of you call her doc together and ask his advice. Insist on collecting up current facts at that time.

        Try to keep in mind that the cabin fever is real. And it is much easier to argue with the people we live with because we are there with them all the time and no reprieve. You can decide to talk with trusted health professionals at that time and make final decisions then. I’d recommend just letting this topic go for right now to save your sanity and hers.

    6. Clementine*

      I think your wife is being totally reasonable. The legal restrictions are usually much looser than what at-risk people will feel comfortable following. So yes, you will be allowed to do kitten yoga based on the mayor’s assessment that that level of relaxed opening will keep ICU bed usage at a manageable level. But somebody is going to be using some of those ICU beds nonetheless. No one, except in a very few countries, is expecting the level to go to zero.

      Maybe you can take a month break living elsewhere, and then decide if you want to do a 14-day strict quarantine and move back. People need to take breaks from each other for all sorts of reasons.

    7. LGC*

      Oh, that’s tricky. Because you’re both right in some ways.

      So…like, what can you do? Honestly, I do think your wife’s requests are a bit intense actually – if she wants both of you to shelter in place until there’s a vaccine or a cure, that might never come or might not come for years! (For a lot of reasons, I think it’s more likely than not that we will find one or the other eventually, but it might not.) If she wants to kick you out of the apartment, that’s her prerogative as well.

      If I were you, I’d skip the kitten yoga in June…but also talk about how life might look like going forward. Because you’re also right – it IS extremely difficult to self-isolate for possibly years on end, and I don’t want that for either you or her. In October or November, we might not have a cure or a vaccine that’s widely distributed (we probably won’t)…but we might have better surveillance, and it might be less risky to go out and do some things. What’s the mix of safe and tolerable (because frankly – I don’t want to scare you, but if you’re in places with any other humans for any sustained length of time, you could possibly expose her to COVID now) that both of you can live with?

      And if you do have to live apart, how is that going to look?

    8. Courageous cat*

      Eight autoimmune diseases??? Wow, frankly I’m surprised at how kind and compromising people are being toward you. Whether things are open or not have absolutely no bearing on whether the virus still exists and is spreading or not. There’s likely to be more waves, and more coronavirus until we have a vaccine.

      If you feel comfortable with risking that with your wife (knowing that the main argument for opening back up is simply the economy, not personal health, and your mayor being competent has nothing to do with that), that’s on you, but how are you going to feel if you transmit it to her?

      I’m in favor of your wife taking all the time apart she needs on this one tbh.

    9. Ann O.*

      Given the risk factor, you may want to investigate the feasibility of occasional bouts of living apart, followed by a 14-day quarantine. Some health care workers have done things like that to minimize exposure to their families.

      I’m pretty chill at this point about protecting against outlier events. I’ve done my research and am just doing what I can to protect against primary modes of transmission. But given your wife’s extreme risk, I think she’s right that she has to be extreme.

      Since no one can know how long it will take for there to be an effective treatment or vaccine, moving out indeterminately is probably too much. But humans can generally put up with a lot more deprivation when we know there will be breaks from it.

    10. I am the at-risk wife*

      The key for me is that ” we don’t have to worry about going back to work” I think you have your answer. Let’s try keeping the wife alive.

      1. I am the at-risk wife*

        not Jennifer’s. So now my not-so-at-risk husband understands that he can’t just do what he wants because of my risk factors. If I was having chemo therapy, he would have to take the same precautions. And if you can afford to take a vacation from the stress of isolation. Then quarantine, I would be the first to say have fun.

    11. Ranon*

      If you like podcasts you might like Staying in With Emily and Kumal – Emily is immunocompromised so they went into shelter in place a week or two before most people and they’ll likely be much more careful as things get lifted too, it may help you feel a little less like you’re the only one living with these restrictions. Plus it’s really a lovely podcast, she’s a professional therapist (and he’s professionally hilarious) so even when they’re just talking about their lives it’s surprisingly helpful.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Thank you so much for the recommendation! I just listened to the first episode and loved it—these two are so great: thoughtful, funny, and caring.

    12. Lyra*

      I think it will help you if you can tap into your community. Maybe even find some new communities, perhaps online – is there a way to fine other spouses of vulnerable people who will have to take these same precautions? You are certainly not alone in this.

      At the start of the pandemic in the US, there was a great article in the NYT called “I Practiced Social Distancing Before Coronavirus. It Works.” It’s from a doctor who had to social distance for 18 months to protect her premature babies, whose immune systems were too vulnerable to even handle the common cold.

      One thing you might notice is that they start with very extreme precautions, and after a long period of time, eventually start to reintroduce more things. They probably could not have predicted at the start what things they could relax on and when, but it did happen, when it was appropriate. Your wife is very fearful right now, understandably, but the circumstances will change gradually, and eventually you will be able to talk about having more of a life outside of the home. It’s just not time to have that conversation yet, but know that there may be some changes possible before a vaccine is found too – it might not have to be so black and white for all that time, even though it does have to be now.

      For now, honor the sacrifice you are and will continue to make. Cherish the love for your wife that drives the sacrifice. I think it’s a beautiful thing. Trust in your resilience, but the find the people to lean on who can help you stay resilient. You’ll make it through this.

    13. Senor Montoya*

      I’d advise you to suck it up and find a different way to get over cabin fever. You absolutely do not have to do things that put you in contact with other people. Find things that get you out but keep you away from other people. And wear a mask every time you go out, and keep it on, too.

      I’m sure some commenters are going to whack at your wife for having an “extreme” reaction, but I don’t think it’s extreme. She’s asking you to decide: which is more important, her health and her LIFE, or your desire to go do fun things with other people. She’s asking you to decide, who knows more about your wife’s health, the mayor or your wife’s health care providers.

      Would it be safe for your wife to go do kitten yoga? No? Then you shouldn’t either, because if you do, you’re exposing her to everyone you are exposed to.

      You know, just because it becomes safER to go out, doesn’t mean it’s safe.

    14. Fikly*

      Your wife needs to understand that a treatment or cure for covid is not going to happen. Covid is a virus. Viruses do not have treatments or cures. At best, there is symptom management.

      That’s why we use vaccines to prevent viruses. Unfortunately, there is no reason to think that we will be able to come up with a vaccine for covid any time soon, as there have been many attempts in the past to create a vaccine for various viruses of this type, and they have all failed. And before anyone says, but they are throwing so much money and research at it, I will point out that there have been decades of research and hundreds of millions of dollars spent, and there is no vaccine for HIV.

      Even if, by some chance, a vaccine is created, it’s highly unlikely to be 100% effective at protecting the vaccinated against covid, saying a vaccine will fix things assumes there is no potential for mutation beyond what the vaccine covers, and that the vaccine is of a type where you get lifetime or long term immunity, not short term.

      All of which is to say, your wife needs to seriously adjust her expectations for what life is going to look like over the next 5 years, and then decide what she thinks is safe in that scenario.

      1. ThatGirl*

        There could be treatment – don’t forget there are antivirals out there. But yes, a vaccine is our best bet.

        1. Jennifer Juniper*

          Thank you all for your comments.

          I realize I am being extremely selfish. I will learn to curb my desires and cultivate an attitude of gratitude and accept this is our new normal after everyone else is back to normal.

          1. Fikly*

            You’re not being selfish. You have desires, and those desires are valid.

            You have to weigh pros and cons and make an eventual decision, but you haven’t at this point broken stay at home orders. That would be selfish. Thinking about it is not selfish. Don’t shame yourself for it.

        2. Fikly*

          Vaccines are possibly the best bet, but they are a terrible bet.

          Anyone who thinks that, if by some miracle a vaccine comes out that is safe for 100% of people, is 100% effective, and lasts a lifetime, it will be made available to 100% of the population is deluding themselves.

          Or else they only care about whether or not they get sick.

          I will simply point out that Malaria is pretty much completely preventable and curable, and yet over 200 million people got it in 2016, and over half a million people (half children) died of it that year as well. Almost all in Africa, but well, who cares about them?

  74. nep*

    Who knows about using music for live-streaming? (I hope this doesn’t veer into work territory–please delete if so.)
    I’m doing live online fitness classes–for now on Zoom; that could change. Music has always been a huge part of my workouts. I need to have great sound. I’m researching my options and I’ve tried out a couple of these royalty-free music websites (Epidemic Sound, soundstripe). I’m finding great songs that work fine for my purposes. But these sites all seemed to be geared toward people making projects–films, videos… I’ve even asked their support teams and their responses always go back to getting licenses to use songs for a video or other standalone project. One even said that their offerings aren’t meant for live-streaming.
    Any expertise or thoughts on this? Thanks.

    1. nep*

      Just seeing some compilations of public domain songs…this might be part of a solution. (Still, I like the idea of always being able to check out fresh music.)

    2. Numbers*

      My gym uses Rock My Run for online classes. Each video tells us which playlist/station from the app is being used. You can kinda hear it on the video, but I play it on my end to get the full effect. I got a 2 month free subscription.

    3. NoodleMara*

      No copyright sounds is a decent site that also has spotify playlists. I do livestreaming content and all they asked for is posting their url.

    4. nep*

      In case anyone still watching this, I heard back from Epidemic Sound–one of the sites I’m trying–and the agent says ‘it should be OK’ to use their music on Zoom, as long as the classes I’m live-streaming are free. (They are.)

  75. Teal*

    I’m still LOLing about “ass cookies” from a few weeks ago. Now, to go back and find that comment.

    That is all!

  76. Trixie*

    Last weekend, I discovered “Bosch” on Prime and am sad to learn this next season will be the final season. I love everything from Harry’s house to the soundtrack to storylines. On to the next discovery, which looks like Molly’s Game.

    1. Rebecca*

      I love watching the show, and I’ve read all the books by Michael Connelly, in order. What a great character.

  77. Spender vs giver*

    Something that’s been weighing on me a bit.

    I’ve always been a spender while husband has been a saver. As I moved up at my job and earned more, I felt that my time was more valuable, so I willingly pay for convenience in small (i.e., buying already peeled garlic or chopped veggies) and big (having a car > where I live, it’s a luxury not a necessity) ways. I also have a tendency towards retail therapy. The problem I feel is with the latter. I tried to fix it on my own – removed all my CC from websites, “shop my stash” etc. The only thing that’s stopped me is losing my job and saving my unemployment money for later on.

    I realize I have a problem with spending and tried to fix it on my own. It didn’t undo the past damage I did but I was able to save up more in a few months than I did in a few years of working and I’ll admit, I feel sick that I could have saved so much more money than I already did.

    My husband’s family always hits him up for money. “He lives in America/he’s single/he has no kids, therefore he can afford to help us.” That’s the mentality they have. He’s always been generous with them and has given away around 30k in his lifetime to friends and family, some of whom disappeared. It’s only now after 10 years of marriage and a baby on the way, that he’s expressed regret at giving money.

    We keep our accounts separate, and neither of us interferes with the others’ spending. I have never given him a hard time over buying a meal or something he enjoys. I always made sure to encourage him to help his family.

    Neither of us is rubbing it in each others’ face or saying “I told you so.” Every time I get upset that he’s helping out his family and they’re screwing him over as usual, I remember that I screwed us over as well by shopping so much.

    Not so much needing advice, just thinking out loud as it’s this unspoken thing between us.

    1. Not A Manager*

      Maybe it’s time to speak about it. It’s great that you’re not blaming each other for past decisions, but maybe now is a good time to negotiate what your joint priorities are going forward. Just because you used to “let” him give money to his family, or he used to “let” you over-spend, doesn’t mean you have to agree to keep doing that forever. Maybe both of you would be relieved to have some joint guidelines and shared oversight.

    2. Not A Girl Boss*

      I think it’s a really good time to make a plan for the future, trying to avoid blaming or rehashing past mistakes.
      A financial planner could help you mediate and make compromises that work for both of you.
      I’m also a big fan of mint to track spending. You wouldn’t have to combine bank accounts to understand where both of your money goes.

    3. fposte*

      I think the way you two have been handling money may have worked for you in the past but it’s time to consider a change. Talk over your financial goals for the future together. Are you going to save for college for your child? Do you think there might be another one, and what’s the cost to plan for there? How do both of you see retirement—stop working earlier and spend less, or work longer for a higher standard of living? How much money do you need to save together to achieve all these goals?

      Lots of couples do a yours/mine/ours thing, still preserving some ability to spend independently while pooling money together, but the “ours” can’t come last there. It sounds like financial independence is important to you and helping his family is important to him, but you haven’t talked yet about how to honor those wishes while also supporting your joint goals. Time to talk.

    4. KiwiApple*

      I think not only having a proper conversation with your husband and a financial planner, a therapist either on your own or with your husband would also be a good place to start.

    5. Spender vs giver*

      Great advice all. So far we’re in “limbo” where lock down has me saving money on eating out and commuting and impulse buying, whereas his financial habits haven’t changed. When I lost my job, I was devastated, and promised to not fall into the retail therapy hole again. The real test will come if/when I go back to work and have the means to go back to my old ways (having items delivered to my office and sneaking them home etc).

      1. fposte*

        Oh, if you’ve been sneaking packages home that sounds like it might be problem territory. Might be worth looking into real therapy at that point, especially since it sounds like you regret what you’ve spent rather than being glad now.

        2. Not A Girl Boss*

          For sure. While waiting on therapy I also recommend “Stillness is the Key” by Ryan Holiday. The book has really helped me reshape the way I look at desire, he talks about that hollow feeling when you get the thing you desire.

      2. Reba*

        I see that you have changed your habits (first with willpower, then because of lockdown) BUT you still have a lot of residual shame and regret about money. Your spouse might feel some of the same things. I hope you all can talk about your feelings around money — it’s one of the big, hard topics — and come to a new spending plan together AND forgive yourselves in the process.

    6. RagingADHD*

      What are your joint goals, financially speaking?

      What’s the plan if one or the other of you is unemployed long term? Or disabled?

      Is childcare a joint expense? What if you need/want more flexibility after the baby is born – can your lifestyle support part-time work?

      There’s a lot more to talk about than spending vs savings. Are you talking about the big picture, long term stuff?

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Neither one of you interferes with the other’s spending?
      Uh, who is manning the ship, piloting this plane?

      I’d suggest that you go to a third party to get help with writing a budget. The budget can include discretionary spending which is a hands-off territory for the other person. But it should also include retirement planning, college planning and so on.

      I think that a good starting point is to say that you are interested in figuring out how you both will meet your goals financially. The conversation can be about the future not the past.

      1. Spender vs giver*

        We’re eye to eye on groceries and bills, but if he wants to buy something for himself that’s part of his hobby, he doesn’t ask, and I don’t ask permission to buy makeup; we don’t grill each other over meals out or little things for ourselves.

        He will discuss it with me now if someone hits him up for money. I don’t want him to throw anything in my face because I am trying to change my habits, and I dont’ want to do the same to him because I DO see the change in him.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          It is tricky, I do agree.
          What helped us is we set a limit of x dollars after that we had to talk it over with each other. Notice this is much different than asking permission. What we needed to discuss was if he spent over x AND I spent over x with in the same month we might have problems getting through the month.
          For us, the cutoff was pretty low, because we were not wealthy. So anything over $100 we would talk about it with each other to make sure we could do it without racking up debt. We took turns deferring to each other’s goal. This month I’d agree to his purchase and he would agree to my purchase for next month. Other times it would be visa versa.

          At some point it stops being about asking permission or wanting to be able to buy stuff. Perhaps the bills are paid, but there is no retirement planning going on or no college savings for kids or the worst thing- there is NO life insurance! omg.
          My husband was not a financial person. He just did not have it in him. He was a sincere person but he did not get it. And this came to the foreground when we talked to a financial advisor. The advisor said, “Your wife is going to be on the street if anything happens to you because she cannot handle the house by herself!” My husband never thought of how I would pay the bills without his income.

          This is something much bigger than telling each other “no. You can’t have this or that.” It’s about taking care of each other in the future. My husband passed at age 59. He never even made it to retirement. The life insurance that he carried was the most he ever had. It was maybe 1.5 times his annual income. Yeah, that did not last. The recommendations I have read said to carry 8 times your annual income in life insurance. His life insurance did not even cover his medical bills he left.

          Not to be scary but to point out this is way out beyond “not letting a partner buy x item”. I will work for the rest of my life, because of this black hole I fell into. AND- check this out- there are many, many people worse off than I ever will be. I feel VERY fortunate. We had paid off our educations, I paid off all his medical bills (80k). And I managed to refi the house, the new mortgage payment was 55% less than the old monthly payment. And I STILL have to work the rest of my life.

          Your thinking is logical and your concerns are reasonable. Couples often drag in a third person to help them sort all this. This isn’t “throwing something in his face” this is talking about your future and having something available so that you can take care of each other.

    8. I know how you feel*

      May I suggest a book? How to get out of debt, Stay out of debt, and live prosperously. It is not only for people who have debt but who are feeling how you feel, “retail therapy” etc.

    9. Anon-a-nanny*

      Can you sell off (fb market place, ebay, garage sale?) some of the stuff you brought and aren’t using? It won’t be the same as if you had never spent that money, but you might be able to get a fraction back to go into savings

  78. Not A Girl Boss*

    How do you guys feel about joint email accounts?
    My husband set one up for us so we both get emails about bills and stuff and can be kept in the loop, which makes sense.
    But sometimes he uses it to email people when we both want to interact with (like our mortgage broker, or our personal trainer, or if he’s trying to coordinate visits with our parents). And it just gives me all the weird icky feels. Like, just cc me?
    I dunno.

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      It’s not wrong necessarily but the only people I know with joint marital email addresses are 70+, and I guess it’s because email became a more common thing later in their lifetimes? So it might make you look a little dated…

      3. Wishing You Well*

        Yeah…keep a separate email account for social contacts. You’re not the only one who feels joint email accounts are off-putting.

    2. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I don’t think emails are weird. My brother and his wife have a joint email account to communicate with family and I assume bills etc. Joint FB accounts just give me weird vibes.

    3. Washi*

      Following because my husband and I have considered doing this for stuff like leasing, where one of us always seems to get left out of the loop by the other party.

      I do tend to find it a little…precious? in some instances. And I think it would be weird if I were trying to coordinate a visit/outing with another couple and they used a joint email address where I couldn’t tell who was replying. It seems to elide individual identities and relationships, which is something that is personally important to me, but I know other couples sometimes take a more “we are one unit” approach.

      1. Not A Girl Boss*

        Haha yes, precious is I guess my thought as well.

        We do make sure to sign who it’s from but I just feel like if I was on the receiving end id almost be suspicious that someone was posing as the other person or something??

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I can get behind it for receiving stuff like you say, bills and such. But using it for regular correspondence is weird to me and I would not be okay with it.

    5. university minion*

      Every family is different. For some a family email works great and for others, your solution of cc’ing the parties who needs to be involved is the right answer.
      Joint social media accounts get a small eye-roll from me, but joint/family emails, nah… that’s just how some folks do their family logistics.

    6. Misty*

      I am friends with a couple in their 30s who has a joint email account and the thing that confuses me is they sign the email with both of their names so I never know who actually wrote it or if they like both sat down and wrote it together? It’s very confusing lol

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        Ugh, yes.

        If it says “love from Sansa (and Fergus)” you know it’s effectively from both but Sansa is typing. That’s all it takes!

    7. BRR*

      As a separate email from personal emails, I think it’s a great solution. I created one for our wedding and was like, “oh this is convenient.” We don’t use it often but it’s nice to know it’s available.

    8. Anonnington*

      Yeah. I think it’s a slippery slope and there’s a lot that could go wrong.

      I’m assuming you have a good, healthy relationship. However, speaking rationally, people can change and any relationship could potentially fall apart. A major disadvantage is that IF this were to happen, sensitive info could end up being sent to the joint account, which both people still have access to.

      I find it more concerning when joint email accounts are used early-ish in a relationship (including marriage) and for more personal things such as communication with friends and family.

      I have a friend who ONLY uses a joint email account since getting married. So I can’t write only to her. I can see her being the kind of person who would be ok with this. She’s not one to want to share a lot of personal stuff by email. She lives a low-key kind of life (as far as I know). However, I can’t help but question it a bit.

      So, yeah, I think your feelings make sense. I think asking to be CC’d is good. Just tell your husband you want to keep all your emails in one place – your main account.

      1. Not A Girl Boss*

        Oof, yeah, I can definitely see how your friend’s situation would raise your eyebrows and what you mean. We definitely still maintain personal emails for individual conversations, because honestly I just don’t want to read his boring bicycle tech conversations with his friends haha. We also do not have each other’s phone passwords etc, I think he just thinks this is more convenient than cc-ing when we both need to be clued in.

        One other thing it IS really convenient for is joint login accounts, like Netflix and bill pay accounts. We also have a password we use for joint stuff so it’s just easy.

    9. Ranon*

      We have one. It’s especially useful for childcare correspondence where otherwise sexism, intentional or otherwise, can lead to unbalanced communication. We also use it for joint online accounts that aren’t smart enough to to dual login, stuff like that.

      Other people are often dreadful at CCing so I can see using it in the circumstances you’ve described- for every person that’s good about keeping everyone on an email chain there seem to be three that aren’t.

      Ours is especially absurd because my partner is a computer person so the address is myfirstlast@hisfirstlast.net (which is long but at least easy for people to transcribe if they already have our names)

    10. MissGirl*

      Within a few minutes, she stood at the cabin’s doorway—a narrow crack they kept covered by a hide, the doggie door as she and Link had called it. She’d grown too large to squeeze through it. Another entrance dropped from the ledge above and directly into the cavern. She’d brought rope. Merrell pulled the ladder out and destroyed it every spring.

      1. MissGirl*

        Sorry, something pasted from my Mac and I have no idea how.

        What I did type was that I think this is a really good idea. If something happens to either of you, the other won’t be scrambling for access or passwords or forget about an account.

        1. Anonnington*

          Wow. I was reading that, thinking, “Great intro! What will this be a metaphor for?” Like the door symbolized the joint email account and how you might outgrow it?

    11. My Brain Is Exploding*

      We started out email with a joint account (y’know, when the internet was a baby). We now have 4. Mine, spouse’s, junk (what I use when I order most things online), and joint. The joint one is for our parents/siblings and all the joint accounts like banking, electric, etc.

    12. Emma*

      If you’re considering having kids, it’s a positive for things like daycare or the pediatrician, so instead of one person getting the kid info, both people do. That’s what we use it for, and it autoforwards to both accounts.

    13. Thankful for AAM*

      What do you mean by a shared email? If it is called DaveAndJane@email dot com, I find it very creepy and like one of them won’t let the other have their own email, like they had an affair and are keeping an eye on their correspondence.

      If it is DSmith@mail dot com, I would have no idea it is the Smith family email.

      My husband and I forward anything we need to share from our separate accounts.

    14. Sunset Maple*

      I find them useful for stuff that is intended to be handled jointly in the first place. We have one for all our financial stuff that we share, so there’s never a question of whether we gave the wrong address and will have to remember to forward everything to each other. But that’s for our realtor, bank, Hulu, etc. Not for friends or family.

      My husband has a separate e-mail for personal use, and I’m a tech nut with about a dozen different personal e-mails for compartmentalizing my web behaviors (one for eBay, one for LinkedIn, etc.). E-mail is free and easy to sign up for, so when people use a joint e-mail for socializing, techies generally assume they are either older (and not tech savvy) or have trust issues (someone cheated).

    15. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Depending on the rest of your tech setup, one thing you could also do is have a mailing list that both of your email accounts were subscribed to and that let non-members send to the list.

      I volunteer with an SF con, and this is what we do for email addresses like chair@ or programming@. We sent them up as mailing lists with whichever group of people need to be getting those emails subscribed, allow non-members to send email to the list, and then we respond to things that come in from our individual accounts and cc the list. That way it’s always clear who, specifically is replying, but you get the advantage of everyone seeing the emails. It also makes it easy to have an email discussion among that particular group of staffers by using it as a regular mailing list, but that’s more important when you have 5+ people on the list, which is reasonable in convention programming but less common in a marriage. :)

    16. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Often spouse will just cc (or bcc) me if need to see something.

      But we do have one extremely useful joint address: school[at family domain]. The schools’ systems are set
      up for email one address per child – the lack of foresight in this is ridiculous, but anyway. That email address is also used for school to register the child for all the remote login stuff being used so much at the moment. Our school@ address simply forwards to both our main email accounts, and we can each use it as an alias for sending mail.

      Only having one email address between a couple for everything is deeply weird. If it’s their internet provider’s default (so they’ll lose it if they change provider) is even weirder. There have been free reliable webmail services for like twenty-five years.

    17. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I’d be reminding him that CC or BCC exists! My husband and I have one joint bank account but both of our names and email addresses are associated with it, so if we had any notifications we would both get it. When we’ve had to jointly coordinate things we just CC each other. I can kind of see the appeal of a joint email address but it seems really old-fashioned, and I don’t think I’d like not knowing which person I am actually addressing.

    18. OtterB*

      I have thought about setting up a joint one for bills, bank accounts, and so forth. But I wouldn’t want to use it for communication with family or neighbors. And I am still using my AOL email address, which makes me a dinosaur.

      I have one acquaintance in a shared hobby who shares an email address with her husband, and keeps having trouble with things like him forgetting to tell her that he saw a message about hobby.

    19. Dancing Otter*

      Not for couples, specifically…
      I had to be the POA (and now executor) for my relative with terminal cancer when she could no longer manage her financial affairs. She had all her bills on electronic delivery. She could no longer remember her passwords for anything: not the biller accounts; not the bill payment site; not her email; not even her computer and phone. It was, and continues to be, sheer h*** trying to deal with the mess. Even with the probate court order naming me executor, I’m still having trouble with Social Security, Medicare and the tax authorities.
      So please, everyone who admits to not being immortal, document this stuff for whoever has to deal with it later. It may not be ideal to have your passwords floating around the office on paper anybody could find, but at home? If you don’t want to share access, at least keep an “in the event of” list that’s up to date.

  79. Lady of the Lake*

    First world problem but does anyone else here have grown in awful looking eyebrows due to COVID-19 isolation and everything being closed? I’ve never been able to do anything to them on my own. I can’t wear makeup to work (industrial sector with some fieldwork) so I don’t any and never learned. I get mine waxed every 2 weeks and tinted once a month. It is my one beauty indulgence if you will. I haven’t had them waxed in 2 months and they are grown in, have gaps, are shapeless and terrible looking.

    1. Thursday Next*

      I’m in for a discussion of this trivial problem! I’ve been having terrible insomnia, so once my husband and kids are asleep I take a look in the mirror at my eyebrows and roots. There’s not much I can control these days, so my eyebrows are a prime target!

      Since you wax, have you given any thought to those pre-shaped cold wax strips? I thread mine usually, so I have been maintenance plucking below the arches. I also splurged on a fancy brow pencil (hey, I’m not spending it on threading!) because I have sparse brows.

      I haven’t yet figured out how to troubleshoot my roots at home…that’s next! My stylist uses a semipermanent color but targets the areas I have greys, and of course, I can’t see all around my head. I’d prefer not to do all over color for as long as I can.

      1. Not A Girl Boss*

        R and Co sells a temporary root touch up spray! Think dry shampoo but tinted.

        My salon is also selling a t zone semi permanent dye kit that you apply just at your forehead and down your part, which helps at least what I can see in the mirror, hah.

        1. Thursday Next*

          A t zone kit, what a great idea! I will check lit some sprays or targeted color.

      2. Lady of the Lake*

        I have tried to do my own plucking or with using those wax strips and I screw it up every time. I’ve tried makeup, looked at tutorials and had someone from the stote try to teach me. I can never get it right and since I can’t wear makeup to work anyways I don’t even try buying it anymore.

        I envy that you can do your hair and eyebrows yourself. I don’t dye my hair because I’m a redhead and on me it would look weird to have red roots when it starts growing in. I hope your hair coloring goes well.

        I don’t have insomnia but due to being off work due to the closures and being home 24/7 for the last month and a half, my sleep schedule is completely messed up. It will be difficult to change it back when I get back to work.

        1. Thursday Next*

          I don’t mean to suggest that I’m particularly competent at doing my brows. :) But some tweezing has been better than nothing.

          I’m sorry you’ve had a tough time with DIY brows. It sounds like you’ve tried a lot of tutorials. I know some people have had success using eyebrow razors or dermablades above and between their brows.

          I’m a bit nervous about DIY color because my first visit to a professional colorist was because of a disastrous at-home coloring that needed corrective coloring. But if I mess up now, I’m okay with tolerating the results.

          I love red hair and agree you shouldn’t mess with natural red!

    2. Not A Girl Boss*

      Oh no! To be honest I’m super proud of how well I’ve been able to maintain my brows since I’m usually useless in that area. But I attacked them while I still had some shape left and could see what was growing in and I needed to get rid of. I plucked the major outliers but used an eyebrow razor on the edges because it’s just so much easier than trying to create a shape with tweezers. But it means they need a weekly touch up.

    3. filosofickle*

      I have always plucked my own brows but generally don’t do a lot of face maintenance or decoration. Last week I was in the car, looking in the rearview mirror to put on my mask…and in that bright sunlight, with my eye area the only thing visible…holy cow, it was like my eyebrows had exploded. Yikes. Came home and attacked with tweezers. That’s probably the first time I’ve really looked that closely at my face in 6 weeks.

    4. HBJ*

      Just pluck them. I’ve never had my eyebrows done, and I’ve been complemented on them before, so I think I do a decent job at plucking. Just follow the natural shape. Pluck what’s on the bridge of your nose and then just the real outliers, and it should look fine.

      1. Lady of the Lake*

        I envy you and other people who can pluck their own, but that is not me. I’ve tried and messed them up whenever I have. And with the 2 months of growing untouched they are completely shapeless and I would have no concept of how to shape. For me I’d rather have these grown in ones than the hack job I would get if I attempted to do my own.

        1. Not A Girl Boss*

          Maybe you’re like me and have long eyebrow hairs. The plucking always looks insane unless they’re trimmed first so a shape can actually be achieved, but trimming is best left to the pros soooo

    5. Another Sarah*

      Same. I was a teenager in the late 90s and early 2000s so I fell victim to the overplucking trend of that era and mine are still very thin to this day. I don’t do my own either and now they have grown in a fair bit over the time since everything closed. But now I honestly look like I have four eyebrows. Mine are growing in but there is a space between my actual eyebrows and the regrowth and the two don’t touch at all. My husband asked me why on earth I have four eyebrows and my sister and mom didn’t believe me until I showed them a picture but it is that noticable. I’m just hoping the hair where the space is will grow in eventually. But I totally feel your pain.

    6. Mimmy*

      Oh I hear ya on the eyebrows!!! I’m usually bad with keeping up with my eyebrows to begin with, but I don’t think I’ve had them done since the beginning of the year. They’re getting unwieldy!

      I know y’all are saying to pluck them, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I flinch when the professionals do it, I can only imagine how I’d be doing it myself.

    7. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Love beauty talk! My brows are weird too, they’re not very bushy or hairy, 2 months of growth and not much has grown in that I could get a new shape/reshape it. I dont’ use wax strips so I use an eyebrow razor for the middle part.

    8. Anon Phd*

      I’ve been plucking mine. I usually get them threaded every 6 weeks. Thankfully they don’t look too wild yet and the tweezing seems to be working, but I miss getting them threaded…don’t even get me started on the bikini area…I GREATLY miss my waxes.

    9. Sunflower*

      I feel your pain!! My eyebrows are two totally different shapes. I’ve plucked and waxed them on my own before but I can’t get them to look anywhere as good as they do professionally.

      My advice is to air on the side of caution and don’t overpluck/wax. I end up with patches when I pluck myself. I’m really jealous of people who can pluck a few hairs and maintain them on their own.

    10. Kuododi*

      Oh sweetie. I’m rocking the Walter Matthew in drag look bc of the eyebrows.

  80. Washi*

    The poster above reminded me of an issue I meant to post here. My husband’s family sends SO MANY EMAILS. They always have, but covid has really taken it over the top. I set up an email filter so that anything from his parents or grandma that was sent to both me and my husband will just get automatically archived (bc my husband can just deal with it) but even so, I’m still receiving 3-5 emails per week from them. Some of it is reply-all nonsense that gets past my filter because they love to send random articles out to seemingly everyone in their address book, and some of it is them reaching out individually. Plus his parents and grandma also want to talk with us almost every week (I frequently pretend to have grad stuff to deal with and hop off after 5-10 mins.)

    We’ve already struggled with the amount of contact they want vs. how much I can handle, and I thought this crisis would give the silver lining of a break from them but…nope. One option is to just continue ignoring it. However, if I were annoying someone this much I would want to know, so I’ve been considering whether there’s a way to ask them to leave me off all group emails. I just can’t think of a way to say it that doesn’t sound pretty chilly, and I know his grandma won’t understand why I don’t want to be included in the mass email to all her relatives. Aghhh if anyone has thoughts please help!

    1. Ice Bear*

      I don’t think it’s necessary to ask them to stop sending emails unless they are expecting you to respond to each one. If not, set up a filter and look through them when you can mentally deal with it. Why hurt someone’s feelings unnecessarily?

      1. Washi*

        That’s fair! They expect replies from one of us but my husband deals with the rest, so I only need to reply to individual emails (maybe 1-2 per week) and I don’t want to hurt their feelings, which is why I haven’t said anything.

        I just keep thinking I’ll get used to it, and compared to other issues people have with their in-laws it’s not bad at all. This is so embarrassing…but I feel briefly FURIOUS every time I see another email in my inbox. I just can’t seem to accept that this is the way they are. I wish I could stop feeling mad at them and wanting them to just…go away.

        1. Ice Bear*

          Why do you feel furious? Do you personally not like them, or is it more about trying to keep your inbox clean?

        2. Parenthetically*

          I totally get this. Somehow emails feel so much more demanding/intrusive to me than texts. I can absolutely imagine feeling a flash of anger if I were getting 15 emails a week even from someone I was overall happy to hear from.

          “compared to other issues people have with their in-laws it’s not bad at all”

          See, I think the “little” things are often bigger than the big things because we see them as little things. Like, I teach cooking/meal planning classes, and I see this a lot — that people (mostly women, let’s be real) get incredibly frustrated with all of it because it’s “just making dinner” and then they get to add feelings of guilt and shame and inadequacy to the stress of something that actually isn’t “just dinner” at all, it’s a huge part of the task of running a household and involves juggling and managing a million things. So this actually reads to me like “just emails (but not actually just emails, actually a twice-daily reminder of how I wish my relationship with my in-laws were different, how I wish they were less intense people, how I feel like I have no good options in response to these irritations, how I feel like I can’t meet their expectations of me, etc.).”

          1. Washi*

            Ahhh this is exactly it! Thank you for putting it into words – it’s not an email to me at this point, it’s my daily reminder that I am not the enthusiastic daughter-in-law that these nice people who created my husband would like.

    2. Washi*

      Realized the original post is maybe not clear, 3-5 emails is the number that get past the filter each week. It’s probably 10-15 emails per week in total.

    3. Anono-me*

      Have you considered resetting your filters so that all of the emails from his family go to your husband? He can then summarize and share any information you need as well as forward any emails that you need to respond to. And if he feels that they’re sending out too many emails then he can discuss it with his family members as needed.

      (For perspective: I have lucky to have absolutely lovely in-laws. But my husband takes the lead on dealing with his family and I take the lead on dealing with mine.)

      1. Washi*

        Omg somehow this has never occurred to us! Thank you! I’m definitely going to try this out just to give myself a break from all the love :)

  81. Anon to vent*

    I would like to vent.
    My in-laws, who are generally great, decided to stop in today. They live two hours away and they get like a drive. Out state is under a stay-at-home order, my husband might have the ‘Rona, but they just thought they’d drop off some things, (as though my house needs more stuff) and help us in the yard and whatever, I guess check in to make sure I don’t need help!

    Thank you, and the help is needed because I’m generally overwhelmed by housewoek these days, but I wanted to use my kids’ scarce nap time today to nap myself or relax or mindlessly scroll my phone, or make dinner — not make small talk from six feet away or have people to putter about my yard, giving helpful suggestions and planning future visits and (unintentionally, but still) underscoring my inadequacies as a house keeper.

    That is all.

    1. Wicked Witch of the West*

      Vent away! I vented about my in-laws for years. In my case it was mostly cultural differences. First generation Italian versus many generation German/English. Hubby always caught the fallout. Keep reminding yourself: they mean well, they mean well. Eventually you might even believe it. I never did :(

    2. tangerineRose*

      I’d be so frustrated with them. Actually, I feel frustrated with them just reading about it. The 6 feet recommendation isn’t a guarantee, and it’s easy to get too close.

    3. PX*

      Oof. Not sure what kind of relationship you have with them, but I would definitely be using my words about not coming over unannounced. The people in my life I’d feel comfortable with that are few and far between, and definitely not now in these weird times.

      I’m not the best at scripts, but someone else can probably chime in. And even in these weird times when people just assume you are home and have time for them, you can still set boundaries.

    4. Dancing Otter*

      The number of people I would allow to drop by unannounced: ONE. And that isn’t an issue because she lives in the other bedroom.
      Back in the day, I chose my college partly for its distance from home, to guarantee my parents would not just show up at the front desk out of nowhere.
      I’m not anti-social, but for the love of all that’s holy, just pick up the phone first! What if I had gone out to run errands? Or had thrown every piece of clothing I own in the wash at once?

  82. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Is spiralized zucchini an easy substitute for in pasta bake recipes?

    I’m googling zucchini pasta bake but I’m getting recipes that include pasta & zucchini. I’m probably using the wrong terms.

    Basically I just want to make it like a pasta bake which is boiled pasta + sauce + ricotta/cottage cheese + cheese. Ive made zucchini in the past for work lunches and it never held up. Figure since I’m home I can enjoy it fresh made. Appreciate a nudge in the right direction.

    1. Trixie*

      I haven’t made them recently but I remember the key to zucchini noodles was tossing with salt before letting them sit for a bit and gently squeezing out all the liquid.

    2. filosofickle*

      Try searching for zucchini lasagna, or low-carb zucchini noodle bake. Those brought up recipes for me.

      I cook with zucchini a lot, and I suspect spiralized zucchini will get mushy in anything other than a really short bake. But then I like my zucchini on the-less cooked side. Slices seem like they’d work better (like a lasagna noodle, not spaghetti)

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Thanks! I was blanking on that! My husband brought a few zucchinis so I can do different things with them.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Zucchini is very wet. If you’re spiralizing it and cooking it right away, that shouldn’t be a problem. I saute zucchini noodles for about 2 minutes in a little olive oil and garlic, and then I serve either with mashed avocado or with tomato sauce. Very simple.

      If you’re planning to layer it like a lasagna and bake it, I would definitely dry it out. Slice the whole zucchini into strips about 1/4 inch lengthwise (so they look like lasagne noodles). Sprinkle some salt on either side, and lay the noodles in a single layer on several paper towels or on a clean tea towel. Cover with another layer of towel. Let them sit for about 20 minutes, then gently press on the strips to get more moisture out. (You can lay a cookie sheet over them and put a weight on it if you like.)

      Once they are pretty dry, you should be able to use them in your “pasta” bake, especially if you don’t use a watery sauce on it. If you can get ricotta salata, try that instead of regular ricotta. If you’re using ricotta, try draining it in a fine-mesh strainer before you use it. If you make your own tomato sauce, make it a bit thicker than you usually do.

      If you try this and it still gets super wet, then after you dry your noodles the next time, brush them with some olive oil and bake them in a hot oven until they are al dente. Put your “bake” together with warm sauce and heat in a hot oven just long enough to melt the cheese.

    4. it happens*

      I’ve substituted zucchini for pasta in a few things- but at a 2:1 ratio – 2 parts pasta to 1 zucchini in lasagna, two layers lasagna noodles and one sliced zucchini, and with fettuccine, spiralized, added for only the last two minutes of boiling time… essentially reducing the carbs/calories, but still getting the pasta goodness.

    5. Ranon*

      I’d suggest just doing a ratatouille with big gobs of ricotta on top- I think the flavor and texture will be nicer and you’ll still get your cheesey goodness.

    6. Not A Girl Boss*

      Try palmini (available on Amazon) instead. It’s a much better dupe for pasta and not as wet. The problem with zoodles is that the water is released as they cook, so it makes baked dishes wet.

      Every single Sunday we use this recipe to make “Sunday Supper”.
      -brown meat in pan, drain off fat
      -throw in a can of drained Palmini and stir it around until hot
      -stir in sauce
      -plop on some ricotta
      -top the whole thing in mozzarella and parm
      -sprinkle on Italian seasoning
      -stick the whole pan under the broiler until the top is browned and amazing

      It’s soooooo good.
      I have followed that exact recipe but with zoodles, but after you cook the zoodles you have to drain the water off which is fine but kinda a pain.
      Also sometimes I add spinach, which again, you have to drain off.

      1. Not A Girl Boss*

        FWIW I have successfully made zucchini lasagna which does hold up to freezing and work lunches well, but it’s a lot of work. I think the mandoline slices of zucchini get dried out better.

        Basically, instead of lasagna noodles, slice zucchini on a mandoline. Then lay them out on top of a paper towel, cover with course salt, add another paper towel, and wait 10 minutes before wiping up salt and moisture. Then make lasagna like usual.

      2. Not A Girl Boss*

        Sorry, last thought, on exceptionally lazy weeks I’ve been known to throw a drained can of palmini, some sauce, and some cheese in a Pyrex, and then just microwave it at lunch time. Its not bad but stir frying it gets a more pasta like texture.

    7. Alex*

      Not sure about spiralizing, but generally for zucchini lasagna, in which you cut a zucchini in thin slices lengthwise to be like lasagna noodles, you need to slice, salt, squeeze out the water, and then grill or roast separately, to sufficiently get enough water out of the zucchini so that you don’t end up with a watery mess in your baked final product.

    8. D'Euly*

      What about stuffing the zucchini instead? Slice the zucchini in half, scoop out the insides and mix with sauce, fill the boats with sauce and top with cheese and bake.

    9. Pennyworth*

      I just searched ‘zucchini in place of pasta’ and a whole lot of recipes came up.

    10. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Yall are awesome thanks!

      A few years back I made a pizza with creamy and zucchini topping. I really wish I could remember what recipe I used haha.

    1. Anono-me*

      He always makes me think of a disalute and degenerate, but handsome, Rockstar.

  84. tangerineRose*

    I was looking through some old comments from Feb 15 weekend, and COVID opinions were a lot different than they are now.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      The information we’ve had available has changed since then, too.

    2. Digley Doowap*

      Ah, the good ol’ days where everyone gave me a reaming when I suggested stocking up on food and supplies just in case it turned into a pandemic.

        1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          Yes and no. I bought more than I normally would in the first few weeks because the advice at the time was that if you had any symptoms your entire household would have to quarantine for two weeks. There were no online grocery services available here (the slots were booked solid for a month). Normally I go to the store 3-4 times a week and only buy what I need for a few meals at a time. So in the first week I bought a bit more than I normally would, so that if I got sick and couldn’t leave the house I would have supplies on hand. I’m talking about 3-4 extra cans of soup, frozen vegetables, and a bag of pasta, not 8,000 rolls of toilet paper. Multiply that entirely common sense behaviour times everyone and add the just-in-time method of stocking shelves, and you get shortages. Obviously some people went nuts and bought way too much of some things, but most people did what I did and bought an extra week’s worth of groceries.

          1. blackcat*

            Yup.
            And of course, two days after that stocking up, my husband got sick, then I got sick (give it even odds if it was COVID or flu since we didn’t get tested. At the time, “had close contact with someone who had close contact with someone who had it” was not enough for a test). We couldn’t go out for just over two weeks (following guidelines from time of symptom onset/resolution), and even with having stocked up, we were down the dregs of what was in our house and relying on neighbors to pick stuff up.

            By the time we could go out again, it was peak panic buying and miserable. Took us a few more (infrequent) trips to get stocked back up on basics.

      2. Anonnington*

        Yeah. I bought seeds back in February and started quarantining except for two trips out. Now I have vegetables that’ll be ready to harvest soon.

        There was a lot of social media drama. Lots of denial and stupid arguments. I skipped all of that and just quietly stocked up.

    3. Misty*

      I can’t even remember what I used to think about in Feb. Since then so much has changed. Things started getting serious/closing down March 14th here, everything before March 14th feels like a lifetime away.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        a “joke” i saw on facebook is that the last “normal” day we had was Friday the 13th.

      2. tangerineRose*

        Yeah, I don’t remember taking it seriously until sometime in March, probably around March 14.

    4. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I still can’t believe that almost 2 months ago I was questioning why I couldn’t go to the mall if I feel fine. Things change so rapidly.

    5. BRR*

      I was just thinking that not too long ago there wasn’t much advice beyond wash your hands. Then I was thinking how it wasn’t that long ago we were almost at WWIII with Iran and really not that much longer l was WWIII with North Korea.

    6. Pennyworth*

      My cousin in the UK has started sending me stuff he has found on-line about how we shouldn’t be in lockdown and that Covid 19 is no more harmful than regular flu and is only killing people who were going to die soon anyway.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I see social media bringing up Sweden as an example and they refused to lock down and no one is sick, due to their excellent health. Some accounts are even showing empty hospitals in Europe. Not sure how much truth there is to that.

        1. tangerineRose*

          I used google and found this article https://www.newsweek.com/sweden-coronavirus-rate-1501250
          Among other things, it says: Cases of the novel coronavirus continue to rise in Sweden, which has a death rate of over 12 percent, the sixth highest in the world among countries with more than 1,000 confirmed cases, as of Thursday, according to the latest figures from Johns Hopkins University.

          So I googled and found https://coronavirus.jhu.edu/data/mortality
          If you search on “Cases and mortality by country” and check the Deaths/100k pop. column, it has some info. Here are some of the results.
          USA 19.85
          Italy 46.72
          Belgium 67.44
          Sweden 26.05
          Mexico 1.56

          1. mlk*

            I follow an expat Irishman who has lived in Belgium for years. He’s pointed out that Belgium is assigning to COVID-19 all deaths in care homes unless proved otherwise. In the article he linked to, the government official stated that the Belgium numbers should be cut in half to match other countries’ numbers.

        2. Bob*

          Lol. I’ve seen/heard/read a lot about the Sweden example and the key things people like to conveniently leave out is that even though there was no official lock down, there was and still is a lot of social distancing happening. And as a society, they are generally better placed to avoid some of the issues that other countries have (eg something like 50% of people live alone, so that alone makes it harder to spread).

          The other convenient fact people leave out is that apparently, as a proportion of the population, the death rate has been relatively high. So just because the total numbers havent been high, doesnt mean it was a great strategy.

          This PSA brought to you by talking to colleagues who work in Sweden, including one who did get coronavirus and confirmed it is an awful experience.

          1. fposte*

            Yes, they have fewer people than my state but their death count is higher, and we’ve had a serious outbreak.

        3. Lyra*

          Sweden has a very high per capita covid-19 death rate, and it’s far higher than the rates of the other nordic countries. 1/3 of their deaths have been in care homes. There just hasn’t been a great outrage over the numbers yet, though perhaps that may come.

    7. WellRed*

      Two months ago I couldn’t have fathomed the lockdown being extended in various forms and just this week learned I can’t vacation at Mom’s for the first time in 20 years as she’s in another state so with self quarantined rules in both states one week would turn into several.

    8. Lady Jay*

      Whoo boy, yeah. I can pinpoint the exact time I shifted from “hey, let’s not get too worked up” to “okay, it’s time to panic now.” I ran across a thread on Twitter (linked in reply) describing what the exponential growth of the disease meant for the # of cases as the months pass, and for our healthcare system. Within a week from the day I read that tweet, the school where I work was closing for the semester, major conferences were being cancelled, and life changed.

      Now?

      I’m staying pretty close to home even as my state is opening up. However, given the length of time before a vaccine is expected, I’m also thinking that ways to stay in contact with people – e.g. social visits outside, from six feet apart, or other creative solutions – are going to be necessary to get us through the long haul. We need something that’s safe + sustainable. I don’t know what that looks like yet.

      2. Anonnington*

        Keep erring on the safe side. I’m in NYC, where it obviously has been pretty bad. It’s concerning to see some of the reactions in other parts of the country. People don’t seem to understand how diseases spread, and what this one is like.

        The thing is that although NYC’s denseness helped the virus to spread fast, we also have better emergency services, more hospitals, and a more insured population than many parts of the country. We have state Medicaid for anyone who needs it.

        I think lower income rural areas are actually in the most danger from a long-term perspective. That’s where people have the least access to healthcare, especially where emergencies are concerned.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          I’m in NYC and this is something that’s so confusing to me — it is hit bad, and I’m no conspiracy theroist that thinks this is all a hoax. My zip code is like one o the worst hit YET anytime I do go out (every few weeks for my Dr appts) all I see are people keeping their distance and wearing masks. My cousin is NYPD and is just recovering from COVID and he’s seeing ppl have block parties and car shows etc. It’s… it’s just abhorrent how at this point people are not taking it seriously.

          1. Fulana del Tal*

            A lot people in the outer boroughs usually work in jobs that are now called essential. Hospital maintenance/laundry, MTA workers, delivery and more, these people can’t work from home so they were exposed. Also living in apartment buildings especially NYCHA it can be impossible to keep distance.
            Another factor is the undocumented community, they can’t collect unemployment so many are still working if possible.

        2. Lady Jay*

          Yeah, as someone from a rural, Southern state (which is kind of the worst at handling this crisis), there’s a lot of misunderstanding. Our case rate is still going up, and I’m worried about us for the summer.

          That said, now that there’s *some* consensus, at least among scientists and the majority of the educated public, about how the disease spreads and what can be done to contain it, “keep social distancing” is only part of the answer for how we move forward; we also have to think about managing risk. I live alone, 100s of miles from family. With no vaccine in the next year plus, it’s unsustainable for me (hardcore introvert though I am), and the hundreds of other people who also live alone, to stay home and stay home and stay home and stay home without any real end in sight.

          To be clear, I think the various state openings this weekend are a terrible idea which will bring nothing but pain, and I don’t think it’s wise for *anybody* to eat at a restaurant, or visit the mall, or participate in a choir, for the foreseeable future. But maybe meeting up at a park and talking from six feet away is okay, or going on a run outdoors and passing a handful of people. The question isn’t just “do I keep away from others?!?” but “how do I keep away from others in a way that works long-term?” We’re never going to be Taiwan or South Korea or New Zealand, frankly, with the social will to shut down for an entire month; and without that will, this will last for a long time. We need to find ways to get through that without going bananas.

    9. Chaordic One*

      Back then I really thought it would be like Ebola or SARS, something horrible, but that would stay far away.

    10. UK EMS Anon*

      I remember the first time it induced panic in me. I had been stressing about it generally for a couple of weeks but the first time I actually felt fear was 11 at night on the 11th March, stood in a car park, when a patient told me they should have gone for screening and hadn’t. Interestingly, the panic wasn’t for me getting sick, I was due to visit family a few days later and was terrified that this would mean I couldn’t go.
      Thankfully, a discussion with one of my managers later, I felt calmer in that respect and managed to still get several days with my family, just before we locked down.

      It’s very interesting to see how comments, opinions and feelings about it have changed.
      I went through a few weeks of pretty much being terrified to go to work, literally requiring an almost meditative game (I Love Hue Too – highly recommend it!) to help me settle to sleep, to being more resigned about it and sleeping better.

    11. Mimmy*

      I don’t remember exactly how I felt in February but I remember seeing it on the news every night and thinking we in NJ were okay because it was way out in Washington state. Once it hit New York state, then I started to be concerned. However, I don’t think a huge lockdown was ever on my radar.

      Then things started getting exponentially worse in March – the week of March 9-13 was so surreal seeing things shutting down one by one, practically every hour. When we sent our students home Friday and told them not to come back, I knew things were serious.

      Yet……at the same time, I was in denial. I thought by April things would be back to normal. Now I’ve become accustomed to lockdown and social distancing. I have no problem with re-opening some outdoor settings like parks (the weather is beautiful here in NJ!), but I do worry that there will be too much congregating. It’ll be interesting to see what happens with the relaxing of some rules plus all these protests (with large gatherings!).

    12. OtterB*

      I can pinpoint my change in attitude because (a) my 20-something daughter was hospitalized for pneumonia on Feb 26. Her doctor’s office and the ER asked whether she had traveled outside the US or been exposed to someone who had (answer: no). But my husband and I were allowed to visit and staff caring for her were using normal hygiene care but not taking any special precautions, As I was sitting in the hospital with her over the next week and scrolling news on my phone I saw more and more news about COVID-19, but still no cases reported in our area. With hindsight we wonder if she had it, but probably not, as she recovered steadily once they started her on antibiotics. Then (b) the week after that, my women’s chorus went in the space of a few days from “don’t come if you’re sick, wash your hands” to “canceled until further notice.”

      If you haven’t read the Atlantic article by Ed Yong on “Why the coronavirus is so confusing” I highly, highly recommend it, especially for sharing with people who are somewhat skeptical about why things keep changing. It provides a framework for understanding what we know, what we don’t know, and how those things affect decisions.

    13. Anon attorney*

      I was in doom mode from about February (unfortunately, my government did not get with the program until muuuuuuch later) but one thing I’m very aware of having changed is my feeling about getting it myself. Originally I was all “well it probably won’t kill me, we’re all going to get it eventually, so what” and I was far more afraid for older relatives. However, I’m now considerably less blase, and I really don’t want to get it myself either. A close friend had it and it wasn’t fun but not serious, thankfully. But it is much more physiologically unpredictable than I had first thought.

      (I’ve adhered to safe practice throughout and wasn’t doing risky stuff before I changed my view – it’s an emotional shift rather than behavioral. Luckily I have a job that can be done 100% remotely and my company transitioned before the government required it.)

    14. lazy intellectual*

      I don’t think it was even on my radar! I mean, I knew it existed, but I interpreted it as something more like the H1N1 virus. I live in the U.S., and unfortunately our government dropped the ball (as I’m sure many are aware.) We didn’t fully lockdown until exactly a month after mid-February, which I now think is crazy. (On the last workday before we started WFH full time, my friend and I went out for happy hour drinks.)

    15. RagingADHD*

      The world is very different than it was in February. It would be stupid and irrational to cling to opinions formed with less knowledge.

    16. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I remember now — a few months ago, late Feb/early March, I remember reading that someone 10 minutes away from me was infected and that infection spread. I had a coworker who lived near there and we all joked around about it. If he called out sick “uh oh, he got the corona!” He would come 4-5 ft away from me and make the coughing noise but not actually cough. Like, just silly and immature. We all just laughed about it and didn’t think it would get like this. This definitely wouldn’t fly now.

  85. Anon Phd*

    Hi all – anyone Marie Kondo-ing their closets today? I am…and omg..what a task, I highly under estimated the time it was going to take me. I haven’t discarded things for YEARS, because my PhD prevented any time for doing it. I did purge my knits in January, so at least my wall unit is cleared up, but today was the bedroom closet. It is EXHAUSTING after more than 3hrs to decide if stuff sparks joy. I have stuff I wore while I was still married, which was over 10yrs ago and I haven’t worn it since. I don’t get how or why I still held on to it. But it explains why my small closet could no longer fit stuff. Covid or not, I had this on my to do list. I ain’t gonna finish it today…there’s a pile of clothes in my living room now, waiting for me to decide on it tomorrow..uggh. Add to that a suspect leak in my washing machine, the source of which I haven’t diagnosed yet…it comes and goes. At least I had wine when I started to purge the closet lol. If you can relate, or wanna commiserate, DEFINITELY comment lol.

    1. Reba*

      Well done you!

      I usually keep a donate bag and sometime a scrap/rag bag going in the bottom of my closet… I find it a lot less taxing to do it here and there than in a big purge. (Of course, I still have more clothes than I should, so I can’t recommend this method!) For a time I stuck to a one in, one out rule… I still think of this for guidance but I’m definitely not following it to the letter any more.

      The emotional entanglements we have with garments can be pretty amazing.

      1. Anon Phd*

        It is very taxing lol. After this, in the future, I may opt for a scrap/rag bag.

    2. willow for now*

      I Marie Kondoed my closet a while ago. Got rid of a suit my ex bought me, my wedding dress, some coats I never wore. I love the idea of thanking an item for being useful when it was useful, then letting it go. Some people find that really corny, but it works for me!

      1. Anon Phd*

        I agree with you. I like the corniness of it, esp when it’s an item I didn’t wear too many times, but just just can’t stand to wear anymore. I realized I still have a scarf my ex sister-law bought me…I never wear it and it’s gonna go for sure…she was so awful lol…don’t need those reminders lying around.

    3. Chaordic One*

      I can’t quite get into Marie Kondo. It’s just a bit too extreme and I’ve got the family ghosts who survived the Great Depression haunting me. OTOH, I have really gotten into Swedish Death Cleaning and it is also exhausting. Also, a lot of the places where I would usually donate some of the unwanted items are shut down because of Covid, so they’re sitting in boxes in my garage.

      My “go-to” beverage of choice for death cleaning has been Irish Coffee.

    4. TL -*

      I’ve never gone full Marie Kondo (I just don’t have that much stuff after moving so much) but I really do like a lot of her philosophy (I translate it to more, does this have a defined use and place in my life?)

      One thing it’s changed is that when I’m shopping, if I think about buying something, I really have to force myself to think about using it. Where will it go, what will it do, how will I use it, does it fit with my established pattern of behavior? And I’ve gotten a lot better at returning stuff that doesn’t fit in my life the way I wanted it to.

      So just want to say, as exhausting as it is, hopefully it really helps in multiple ways.

    5. Senor Montoya*

      I have a goal of cleaning out one bag, box, or shelf in my personal room every two weeks. That’s the only part of the house that’s cluttered. I have not met my goal.

      I felt bad, and then I read Captain Awkward’s column for this week and letting go of being productive.

      I love the captain. I am now going to go lie on my husband’s LaZBoy with a cat instead of cleaning.

    6. RagingADHD*

      I tried the Kondo thing when the book had its first wave of popularity. Never really worked for me, because the whole “pull EVERYTHING out” made my small living space unlivable.

      I can’t go without sleeping or making meals for self & family just because The Method says to pull out everything. It just takes too long to put back.

      A more FlyLady ish approach works for me – do one small area at a time.

      Manageable tasks are satisfying. Giant undertakings just don’t get finished and make the whole household miserable.

    7. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      For some reason the whole “spark joy” concept just does not gel for me at all. I have a number of psychological hangups, especially around clothes, and a persistent anhedonia/depression that makes it difficult to experience joy in the first place. But I will admit that I never could get all the way through the book so perhaps I’ve skipped some useful insights. But definitely the idea of putting everything of one category together before sorting through it seems overwhelming.

      I have not managed to do much sorting around the house at all. I have several such projects that really need doing but I ran out of steam and then started working on a research project. Maybe this week I can manage to clean up a corner or two.

  86. Green Snickers*

    People in NYC: What’s your favorite place offering take-out options that previously didn’t?

    2. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      I’ll admit to being totally confused by that event. There were signs all over my building lobby. Awesome air show event to support first responders, be patriotic and support it, but don’t actually go out and watch because social distancing. Of course, people went out and watched and didn’t social distance. The intentions were good, but… why?

  88. Merida*

    I’m a redhead. I have always wanted to dye my hair a different colour but I never have because I don’t think it would look good to have a line of red on the top of my head or across the top of my fringe when my roots start to come in. I have seen these effect in real life and it is never pretty. I have always been curious. Anyone with red hair here ever dye their hair a different color? [I don’t mean putting highlights to enhance your red hair, I mean colouring it black or blonde or some other colour]. Can you share pros and cons and what the experience was like? A part of me has always been jealous of those with other colours of hair even though I generally do like my hair.

    1. Invisible Fish*

      I can’t speak for myself, but my husband is a redhead – truly the reddest orange ever. What I can say after knowing him and his similarly hued family for 30+ years: don’t do it. You’re right about that line of red/red roots ….

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I am Merida, and I color mine (unnatural colors, currently purple, teal and orange) from the shoulders down for a variety of reasons, including not wanting to worry about roots. But red hair also (in general) won’t take any notable dye without bleaching anyway, is my experience.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I didn’t actually notice your choice of username before I replied, haha.

  89. LGC*

    So, more pandemic-related stuff – and it’s actually related to the work thread and the post I put up in the weekend FFA last week.

    First of all – thanks everyone for all your kind words and assistance. This community has been such a big help over the past week. I have a special shout-out for Not So NewReader, who I really meant to reply to sooner, but I was only able to think of a good reply a couple of hours ago. It’s helped me sort out my own feelings, and…well, actually gotten me to take some actions that I’ve been meaning to for a while.

  90. Potatoes gonna potate*

    How do you even try to respond when someone says the thing that devastated you makes you “lucky”? Even if for the long run it’s better. Sigh.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        haha well no walking away since no face to face interaction. This is someone I value dearly who is normally more sensitive and sensible than this.

        1. Anonnington*

          It would depend on the person, but I might ignore it and then take a break from talking to them. It can be hard to have productive conversations about that kind of thing online.

          “Wow. That’s a horrible thing to say to someone,” could also work.

    2. WS*

      Take a break from that person. If you’re stuck in quarantine with them, be ready to get up and leave the room if they make that suggestion again. You don’t have to defend yourself or make them understand; you get to set your own boundaries and that can be one of them. (I used this technique successfully to get my mother to stop commenting on my weight – after I’d been through an eating disorder and cancer!)

    3. Greensleeves*

      “That’s hurtful. Why would you say that?” And then stop talking/typing and wait. Dump all the awkwardness on them.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      “uh, that really wasn’t the type of support I was looking for, but thanks anyway.”

  91. Jaid*

    Ordered something off of Etsy, delivery from Germany.

    Got a notice it’d been delivered today. Yeah, I’m not seeing it. I wish stuff like that would be transferred to the USPS because at least it’d have been stuffed in my mailbox…

    1. Anonnington*

      Did you get a tracking number?

      I would contact the seller and the carrier immediately. They should replace it or give you a refund.

    2. Chaordic One*

      Sometimes subcontractors will claim that things are delivered when they aren’t in order to meet their quotas. In those cases the item will usually show up in a day or so. Or it may have been delivered to one of your neighbors. Once I had a situation where UPS claimed they delivered an item and left it on my porch. There was nothing on my porch and the vendor sent me a replacement. Several weeks later I found the original package. It had been thrown onto my balcony. (I rarely used the balcony and it never occurred to me to look there.) I kept it and never said anything because sometimes I’m a bad person.

      1. Fikly*

        I used to live on a street where the street directly behind mine had the same exact street numbers. Who thought this was a good idea, I do not know, but I was forever getting the mail and packages for the house behind mine, and they got mine, and we’d just have to swap.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          I used to live in student housing apartments where the streets were named things like 12th street, 12th lane, 12th avenue, 12th ct, and so on since they were too close together to “steal” 11th and 13th from the grid. The address numbers repeated and all the buildings looked alike. I’m told the reason they painted each building’s doors a different color was that the fire department insisted they do *something* to let people tell the buildings apart. You’d tell people things like “I live in 4321 NE 12th Ct. That’s the blue doors.” or “I live in 4321 NE 12th st. That’s the teal doors.” or whatever.

          Anything through the mail system was fine (there was a complex-wide set of mail cubbies all in one place and I assume the delivery person assigned to the route was used to it), but things like getting a pizza delivered or having people come over was a mess.

  92. Anonnington*

    Who else here is taking a moment to do a social media cleanup?

    There are so many people I need to block/unfriend on social media because of their abusive behavior. I just made a list.

    I’m one to give people the benefit of the doubt, and a lot of second chances. I tend to go too far in that direction and keep abusive people around longer than I should. I need to get more assertive about cutting ties with them online. (Believe me, I’m good at blocking people’s phone numbers and ceasing to talk to them in person.)

    There are a lot of bad reasons not to block people, and a lot of good reasons to do it.

    You see, I look kind of weird due to some random physical stuff. It leads people to make horrible and inaccurate assumptions about me, and some feel justified in being abusive based on those assumptions. I need to be less patient with those people and just cut ties with them everywhere I can.

    Gearing up to log back in to the social things and start working on that.

    (I’m in the arts and I use social media to promote my projects, so a lot of these people are others in that field. It’s not just a social thing. It’s more like disconnecting from people on LinkedIn.)

    1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      On my Facebook, I’ve decided to silence anyone who posts nonstop virus news and nonstop political news.

      So out of my 140 friends, I now subscribe to the posts of… about six of them. I can read through all the day’s posts in about 90 seconds now.

    2. Tweeter Bug*

      I don’t friend or follow people who post stuff I don’t want to read, and I’ll unfollow or defriend immediately if someone starts bugging me. No need to clean up, I curate my online experience constantly.

      1. PX*

        Same. I get that when its related to your work/business/self promotion it can be a bit different, but for me – social media is there to entertain me. Its the one place in my life I truly subscribe to Marie Kondo’s spark joy theory. The minute I’m automatically scrolling past posts, getting annoyed when I see them or just dont care? Unfollow/unfriend.

        1. Anonnington*

          I should probably do that. And add new people.

          Ah, but it’s like running a small business. A lot of them have bought things from me. Some are considering buying things in the future. I can’t really unfriend/follow customers unless the reason is really solid.

          But there are plenty of cases where the reasons are extremely solid and I just never find the time to look them up and disconnect from them. I need to take the time to do that.

          1. PX*

            Hah, I add and delete people all the time, so as you can tell, I’m fairly ruthless about it all.

            For what its worth, most sites these days have a mute option, so if you still feel the need to stay connected for the optics/future revenue potential, you can just mute them. You dont have to see their posts, but they are still ‘friends’/can message you to buy things (I presume!).

            But yeah, just take the time to do it. You’ll feel much better after :)

    3. Might be Spam*

      I finally blocked some abusive siblings today. I didn’t do it before because I didn’t want to upset my mother. Today was the last straw and life is too short to put up with them anymore. I’m not going to to tell them because it would upset mom and really wouldn’t help the situation. They would just look for another way to attack me. It’s a relief to finally do it.

    4. nonegiven*

      I had a cousin announce she would be posting a scripture every day. I put her on a 30 day time out.

  93. Books*

    Amazon is easy but they’re kind of the worst, especially with all the worker condition stuff now – Alison, could you link somewhere else for your book reccs some weeks maybe?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Someone asks this about every other week and she explains why that’s not an option every time.

    2. Reading is fundamental*

      Here’s what she said last week when someone asked her to link to Bookshop instead:

      “In theory I’d love to, but I’ve compared the two and unfortunately it would bring in markedly less revenue. Online ad revenue has plummeted since the outbreak, so it’s not a time I can even think about switching.”

    3. Anonymous Educator*

      Bookshop is definitely worth another look. According to Forbes…
      Bookshop’s 10% commission for affiliate publications is roughly twice Amazon’s 4.5% affiliate commission.

      Maybe Alison has some special affiliate deal with Amazon that’s not 4.5%?

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Maybe we could trust that on the many occasions she’s said she’s looked into it and it’s not currently a viable option, she’s, you know, telling the truth, and let her operate her website the way she chooses. Meanwhile, y’all can vote with your pocketbooks, if not patronizing Amazon is that important to you. Nothing is stopping you from looking up the same book on Bookshop or whatever. (I just look it up on my library’s website most weeks, to be honest.)

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        No, it’s that Amazon sells loads of products other than books, and the affiliate links pay you for everything that person buys in the next 24 hours after they click on the link, not just the book that was linked.

        I have looked at both options. Amazon is significantly more revenue. I will happily consider it if/when online ad revenue goes back up, but right now — like many people — I’m trying to stay afloat, and it is indeed getting exhausting to have to defend that to readers.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Question – does the affiliate link pay you for other purchases even if they don’t buy the linked book?

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            Yes. All purchases from Amazon in the next 24 hours. So if you click through to see the book, don’t buy it, but later that day you buy a fridge on Amazon for $800 or a pair of boots for $200 or whatever, Amazon pays the affiliate a percentage of that.

            1. Anono-me*

              Could you please answer three more questions about how the Amazon commissioned works. (I promise I’m not trying to be a jerk to you.)

              1. So if I click through your link to look at the book of the week, decide not to buy it, then order more dog food and some other necessities of life, you get a commission on the dog food purchase?

              2. Also does it work that way every week or do you eventually stop getting commissions on the non book items that I buy?

              3. When you get the “less than 24 hours ago” commission, do you see individual purchases with actual names or just an aggregate and a check?

              1. Ask a Manager* Post author

                Sure!

                1. Yes.

                2. I believe it’s every time you click through, for the next 24 hours.

                3. I see individual items purchased and how much I earned from each but not names. Here’s a snapshot of the way it shows me data (the last column is what Amazon pays to me):
                https://imgur.com/a/ZGKz4sY
                (This probably illustrates better than anything else why the Amazon payments are higher, despite the per-item commission being lower.)

            2. salad*

              This is great to know! I rarely buy from Amazon but once in a while it’s the best or only option. Now I know to click through links on this or other websites I like a lot to get y’all a commission.

              1. Misty*

                Same.

                I buy things on amazon sometimes and from now on I’ll clink on the link before buying things on amazon because I love this site. I think I will also mention it to one of my roommates who also reads this site sometimes too!

            3. Lifelong student*

              I am glad to know this- I shop on Amazon a lot- and in the future will always link from your site.

        3. Books*

          Did not know the background details or see last week’s, apologies! Wishing you and your budget well, sigh. This time sucks.

        4. LGC*

          and the affiliate links pay you for everything that person buys in the next 24 hours after they click on the link, not just the book that was linked.

          I was today years old when I learned this.

          I’m on an Amazon boycott myself, but I’ll keep this in mind for the future.

    4. Ask a Manager* Post author

      And now I see from your IP that you are the person who asked this exact same question last weekend and I responded to you then too. Please go hassle someone who’s making a profit right now.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      OP, Alison provides us with a safe space where anyone can jump in and be a part of the group. She makes NO money monitoring our comments to make the space safe. If Alison goes out of business (HUGE loss), Amazon will still be up and running and doing what it is they do. Isn’t it more to the point to file complaints about Amazon to Amazon or appropriate overseeing government agency?
      Getting Alison to go else where won’t impact Amazon, they won’t care. But it will have big impact on Alison.

      The delicious irony here is if you read Alison’s work here, you can see that her words are like a baseball bat to the knees for places like Amazon. She stands in direct opposition to that type of management. Perhaps she is starting a revolution from with inside Amazon and none of us know it.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        There’s also nothing that forces people to support Alison via Amazon. If you want to buy her books on Bookshop, nobody is going to stop you from doing so, and she’ll still get some royalty (I hope) from that purchase, even if she doesn’t get the affiliate money.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Yes! And I want to say for the record, I would like to support Bookshop! I love what they’re doing. It’s just not practical for me right now with online ad revenue having taken a huge nosedive. I fully intend to consider it again if/when that changes.

    6. lazy intellectual*

      When a company corners almost every aspect of the market, it’s not reasonable to ask individuals to avoid it. Most companies in the U.S. are problematic because our government does not require good worker conditions at the federal level. Leave individual people alone and harass the government instead.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        I wonder if people who think they’re boycotting Amazon realize how much of the web runs on AWS. I’m not saying there’s no way to do an effective change or to pressure companies, but boycotts are not a purity test.

        1. lazy intellectual*

          I started avoiding buying things from Amazon a year ago, but then learned after the fact that they bought Whole Foods. Well, crap, now every time I go to Whole Foods I’m still patronizing Amazon. And AWS, like you pointed out! It’s just difficult. I also don’t blame people from buying online from Amazon since sometimes they are the only option in line with people’s tight budgets. And it’s not like Target and Wal-Mart are any better.

    7. RagingADHD*

      You have the title and author – you can buy it wherever you want.

      You could even check it out from the library.

  94. coffee cup*

    Small things that have cheered you this week!

    An indie coffee shop I like opened for takeaway for three hours yesterday. It’s a 15-min drive for me, which isn’t too bad, and I thought do-able, so I headed up and bought two coffees, haha! It was great to chat to the guy in the shop and also the people in the queue. The sun was out and warm, and after I got my coffee I had a short wander round a park and then back to my car, and went home. It almost felt like normal times.

    Also I wore lipstick when I went, for some reason… and it made me feel great.

    1. Grace*

      I wore red lipstick and glittery eyeshadow to go to the supermarket today, and it felt so good. I’ve missed having ten or fifteen minutes to myself in the morning to just sit and listen to music and do makeup self-care.

      Spinning around in a circle skirt in the kitchen waiting for the kettle to boil was also this week’s self-care. (The £70 I spent yesterday on five more 50s-style dresses and circle skirts was not exactly self-care, but it’ll facilitate future enjoyment, so it’s fine.)

    2. Cruciatus*

      A high school classmate and friend went back to school in her 30s to be able to support her family after her husband was diagnosed with a degenerative disease. So she’s been a full-time mother, student, and care giver for many years now. She was supposed to graduate yesterday but of course in person ceremonies have been cancelled. Well, one of her best friends and her mom pulled off a surprise drive-by “graduation”. Her mom got her onto campus under the guise of taking graduation photos (and apparently my friend was annoyed she had to dress up for this!) and the rest of us met in another parking lot to line up and we even had a university police escort to drive by and surprise her with congratulations and well wishes. It was a great turnout and she was bawling once she realized what was happening. I stayed to watch as everyone else drove by and chatted with her and her family afterwards (from across the street) and it just felt GOOD. I didn’t know I needed that for my own soul as well until I was doing it. I almost backed out of doing it but I’m so glad I went.

    3. Alpha Bravo*

      I did my fortnightly shopping Monday and they had my favorite, locally produced dark chocolate sea salt caramels in stock. They hadn’t had any since before Valentines Day. I bought three boxes. Bliss!

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      Chocolate pie at the farmstand.

      Tried something my doctor suggested and it made a big and noticeable difference after a few days.

      Downloaded an ebook onto my husband’s kindle (I really prefer paper, but library closed and the ebooks I looked at all had waiting lists) and the story is really good. Thank you to whoever suggested 10 Thousand Doors of January.

  95. Marina Marina Marina*

    We have started to decorate our balcony where we are most likely to be spending our summer vacation. The plants look and smell great, the furniture looks new after some oiling, so we’re almost ready for the season. (We had snow last week so sometimes I am not sure if we will have summer this year.)
    The side wall is plain concrete and it looks too industrial. We’re checking with the landlord if we are allowed to drill in that wall so we can put up something. If we can’t, do you have suggestions for fixing something on concrete? Also, what kind of wall decor do you have outdoors? (Apart from plants.) I was thinking of an installation of fake palm leaves from Ikea but they will probably not like the weather.

      1. PX*

        This. I’m lucky to live in a neighbourhood with some nice artwork around and it always makes me so happy.

    2. Reba*

      Yeah, I would expect fake plants to fade unattractively. Would it work to have some trellis and climbing plants in containers there?

      What about covering it with reed fencing, bamboo strip, willow fencing? You can get this at home and garden stores, and I often see it used to create privacy screens around balconies. It would add natural texture and while it doesn’t last forever, it would at least continue to look ok as it weathers.

      It might be better to draw focus away from the wall than to try to remediate it.

    4. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      We used to have some big fabric wall hangings on our lanai when I was a kid. My mother sewed them herself out of ourdoor-friendly fabric. She ran a dowel at the top and another at the bottom and then hung them from a string tied to either side of the top dowel.

      I don’t know whether you’re in a stacked-balcony situation with another balcony above yours or whether there’s open air above your balcony, but I suggest looking up if there is anything above the concrete. It might be easier to hang things from the underside of whatever is above you instead of drilling into the concrete.

    5. Might be Spam*

      You can fit 4×4 posts in the holes in concrete blocks and use the posts to support anything you want to hang. You can use regular concrete blocks or square fence post blocks. Normally you dig a hole to put the block in, but I’ve seen them just sitting on a patio with the posts inserted.

  96. New rabbit holes*

    With the pandemic and all I seem to be going down far more internet rabbit holes. Now I’m obsessed with finding the ‘right’ hair curling wand (haven’t owned any hair curling implements in 20 years) and whether I need yet another ear piercing to further curate my ears (been 10 years since the last one). Sigh. I hope I’m not gonna start trying to find a self ear piercing kit

    2. Recreational Moderation*

      I can’t stop watching the “person sees color for the first time” EnChroma videos. I’m always moved by the person’s response, like the guy who put the glasses on, looked around in silence, then turned to his friends in amazement and said, “Is *this* what you see all the time!?!”

        1. Recreational Moderation*

          Agreed, it’s pretty amazing. I like imagining the thoughtful, “Okay … so, would it change anything if we did •this•?” conversations that must have taken place as the originators developed the process.

          I do realize that the business is for-profit—and the glasses are in what I would call the pricey range—but I hope the stunned, joyful reactions of the customers give the scientists and workers who create these glasses a great deal of pleasure as well.

          It also touches me that in most of these videos the glasses were purchased by a group as a gift for a colorblind friend, family member, even coworker. How great it is to see that caring and sense of community just now (or, really, any time).

    3. Beatrice*

      I’ve been doing a lot of shopping of vintage china and glassware on Etsy. (My dinnerware for the last 12 years has been Corelle plain white because I decided I didn’t want to commit to a pattern…judging by the amount of shopping I’ve done recently without buying anything, I still don’t want to commit, lol.)

      I go down internet rabbit holes quite frequently, but they usually involve coming up with a question and finding the answer and then getting interested in reading about it and then two hours later I’m reading something completely different but I’ve leapt from topic to topic and been engrossed the entire time. Did Napoleon have any siblings? What happened to Henry VIII’s last wife after she survived him? What unique Hawaiian dishes don’t involve Spam? and so on.

  97. nep*

    Are Western Union and Moneygram pretty reliable? I’ve not used Moneygram and it’s been ages since I used Western Union. I want to send $ to friends in Senegal and Côte d’Ivoire, and these are the two companies that are easily accessible to them. Any other ways people transfer money internationally these days?
    Thanks

    1. Mimosa Jones*

      I used Western Union to transfer money to my husband when his bank card stopped working in Europe. It worked just fine.

    2. Reba*

      I use Moneygram the most, it seems to usually be a little cheaper than Western Union. I regularly send to Senegal, Mali, Benin.

      If you make an account you can save your recipients and occasionally get a little reward discount.

      I recently used Xoom, a service through my Paypal account, for the first time. It was delivered through the Ria money transfer network and the receiver had to go pick it up from a bank (not just any money service place/boutiki) but it worked fine.

    3. Anono-me*

      I haven’t used either of those services, but one thing you might want to check before you send money, is how the recipient will pick it up. Things are more unpredictable than ever. Even though the pickup stations previously used are open, our loved one has said that they do not feel safe traveling to those stations and using them righ now.

    4. PX*

      I use Western Union and it works just fine. Beware of extra fees depending on method of payment on both your and the recipients side. Not sure how prevalent mobile wallets are on that part of the continent, but if you can, thats typically the best option (both price and convenience wise).

  98. Victoria, Please*

    Well, it’s the weekend for nasty jobs. We had a brown spot appear on the ceiling, so, roof leak. I went up to the attic to see what I could see, which turned out to be rats. So I spent two hours trying to clean up as much rat poop as possible and am now debating what to do. Do those electric traps work, are they safe? Like, won’t set the house afire? How about predator urine repellent?

    My husband then wanted to climb up on the roof to see if he could see the problem from the outside. HELL NO. He is very fussy about the quality of jobs, so I told him I would handle the rats and he could decide what to do about hiring someone for the roof.

    Then an arborist came over to look at our many trees and we stood far away and shouted at each other about native oaks (good), fan palms (bad), and citrus.

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I told my husband he had to sign up for more life insurance if he wanted to climb ladders around the house. I was mostly joking but still…

      1. Choggy*

        I don’t even allow my husband on step ladder higher than 3 feet unless I am standing right next to him…he can be rather klutzy.

    2. Reba*

      Ugh! We used the electric traps for mice, and recommend them. I imagine the ones for rats are more powerful.

    3. Ronda*

      i had pest control company do for me. ( I had to get a 2nd guy cause 1st didnt get it done)

      1. block any ways in. they used a combo of wood, screens and cement. 2nd guy also put a ~2ft gravel ring around house, because they were tunneling under to get in crawl space. he said they wont dig in rocks.
      2. trap whoever you blocked inside the house. They used the spring traps.

      for many years before I had a pretty aggressive cat, so I didnt really see rodents. Also, they had done lots of new construction recently and I think they disturbed the rat homes that were not my house. (another long term neighbor also got rats at about the same time)

    4. Undine*

      I second a good pest company, they should go through and block everything. The rats you see in the attic may be coming in through the crawl space underground and climbing up. We did all sorts of work on our own to eliminate rats, including building a retaining wall and it turned out they came right back and we didn’t realize it.

    5. Dr. Anonymous*

      Oh, rats, man. They’re so darn smart. The electronic traps will kill the rats if you can get them to go in there. I’d suggest you bait them a couple of days before you turn them on so they have a reason to go in there and be happy about it. That worked on a couple of our rats. They were always able to get the bait off the snap traps without tripping them, so those didn’t work for us.

      Then they realized the electronic trap did not lead to a long, happy rat life and stopped going in. We finally had to use a “humane” cage trap and that also worked (be sure to lubricate the mechanism, though, or they might get in and out without tripping it), but then you have a live rat, so my poor fiance finally shook the trap into a box with the electronic trap in it and the rat ran in there to hide and BZZZT! They are quick-acting.

      I agree with everyone that stopping intrusion is key.

  99. Tuesday*

    Does anyone have any Mother’s Day gift ideas for my amazing, funny, and kind mother? She’s 95 and though she’s trying to regain her ability to walk, she currently uses a wheelchair. It’s hard for her to keep her spirits up. She’s someone who was always moving – cleaning, gardening, swimming, walking, riding her bike (until she was 90!). When she did sit down, she spent most of her time reading the news. Reading has become much harder for her, but she has been listening to audiobooks. So that’s an idea, but the library already has her set up pretty well. I’m trying to think of something else that would be useful or make her life more enjoyable.

    1. PX*

      I’m on a massive podcast kick, so perhaps if there are topics she is into you could get her set up with some podcasts on those?

      Are there activities you can redirect her to? She may not be able to be as physically active, but how about keeping her mentally active? Things like crochet/knitting/puzzles might be cliche’s but its for a reason (ie they keep you occupied without needing to move too much). Or volunteer activities that can be done online/via phone if she’s a social person?

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I like introducing her to a podcast in her wheelhouse. Says You for anyone who enjoys words. (Derivations, meanings, etc.)

    2. OtterB*

      Maybe documentaries about travel, gardens, etc.? Unless you think those would feel more like rubbing it in that she can’t do those things in person.

    3. Cruciatus*

      I don’t know if this is appropriate for your mother’s condition, but a few weeks ago someone was asking about under desk “bikes”, where they can pedal to get some exercise. Would that sort of movement be useful to her, especially if she’s regaining her ability to walk? If she wants to be active, maybe also light weights and a video for seniors? (again, only if that’s appropriate and her doctor wouldn’t be against it!)

      Or maybe a tablet/device with a webcam where she could chat with friends and family and be able to see them too if they have a web cam device? And there’d be lots of other things to do with that–apps, puzzles, books, taking/sending photos, and just general internet stuff.

      I myself am getting my mom a long bread knife (because her current one is too short to stay between the bread slicer sides, and a pepper mill with different coarseness levels (taking any suggestions for either of these ideas!). Not exciting but they are what she specifically asked for!

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I am not sure what your budget is. Alison was talking about a little garden thing she was doing, it’s a special planter and you can grow stuff (herbs, veggies) right in your home on the counter. It looked pretty cool actually.

    6. Anono-me*

      Nerf gun with lots of ammo for inside the house. (Pea Shooter with a bag of old dog food or similar for outside the house. ) Handigraber for picking up the ammo.

      Laser pointer.

      Large screen tablet set up with large font for reading (assuming that the larger font will work for her). AARP had some advertised not to long ago.

      Raised bed garden.

    7. tired tired.*

      don’t know if it’s possible but can you get her lots of helium balloons to tie to her wheel chair. Fun and decorative and she can bat them around.

    8. Fikly*

      When I was trying to get someone into the idea of podcasts, I did a lot of browsing of podcasts to find ones I thought she’d like, then downloaded a couple of episodes of each, and put them on a USB key (I’m dating myself) for her. That way it was really easy and low effort for her to try.

      I also gave them to her with the promise to teach her how to set up getting the podcasts of the ones she liked.

    9. Fellow Traveler*

      What about nice earphones Soave can listen to books? I got my dad the Trex Titanium earphones which work by conducting sound through your bones – they don’t cover your ears, so you can still hear the noise around you.

    10. Tuesday*

      You all are the best. I really appreciate the great ideas. I was completely stumped, but now I’m going to start googling and settle on something. Thank you!

  100. WellRed*

    Keeping in mind, I wasn’t actually present: my brother, addiction, took something yesterday (pills likely). His friends found him passed out on his shop floor and took him home. Injured, combative, unable to stand or make much sense. Mom called 911. They were very kind but bro wouldn’t let them check him, let alone be transported. Later, the neighbor had to call the cops because he was “scaring” her. They came, but didn’t take him into custody. Any thoughts on why someone who is off his head is allowed to refuse treatment or why the cops couldn’t do anything? Not criticizing, curious.

    1. Sam I Am*

      Everything is different everywhere, so it’s hard to say.

      I suggest, if at all possible, to privately book an hour for an over-the-phone session with a social worker who is in your brother’s location. They can get you up to speed on jargon- “custody” means arrest in most places, involuntary psychiatric hold in a few (I think it’s for 3 consecutive days, max, depending on location) and may mean a hospital bed in others.
      “Off his head” isn’t clear, though I understand why you used it.
      And, of course in the US, is your brother insured for any forms of medical treatment? If someone has access to a bed at a treatment center, the decisions (even at the first-responder level) will be different than if they don’t have this coverage.
      Have the local authorities been leaning towards keeping custodial populations down due to the virus?

      A local social worker can tell you so much about what’s going in in your brother’s location, and how that translates to why things went the way they did. Also, you don’t have to book regular sessions (like therapy) if you just need a run down on the situation.

      I know it is a unique stressor. I’ve been through something similar with a family member. The advice I gave you is the advice I was given by a friend in the field of social work.

      I chose a social worker in that location by connecting with of a couple of therapeutic group coordinators, who in turn gave me the names of social workers whom they were familiar with and who dealt with addiction and families. I chose the name that overlapped on the list. It was great advice.

      I hope this comes off as intended- I’m also not criticizing, and trying to give you the map to the best information for you. If I could answer your actual question, I would.

      I hope y’all are ok.

    3. Sam I Am*

      I wish I could answer your actual question, but having been through something similar, I’ll give you the advice I was given, which proved valuable.

      Book an hour for yourself, over the phone, with a local-to-your-brother social worker, and talk with them about it. Does custody mean arrest? Involuntary psychiatric commitment for a few days? A hospital bed? Some of this is state law, some of this is about if your brother has health insurance…. and I wouldn’t be surprised if some localities are trying to keep custodial populations down right now, with the virus and it’s danger to incarcerated populations. A local social worker can shed light on some of this.

      I fond a social worker by connecting with a couple of leaders of recovery groups in that area. They gave me a few names of people they respected who specialize in addiction and families, and one name overlapped, so we went with her. One session with her was extremely helpful to me and my family.

      Take care of yourself, and good luck.

    4. My Brain Is Exploding*

      How bad is coronavirus where you are? Maybe trying not to have people go to hospital or jail unless absolutely necessary and setting the bar for that a bit too high?

      1. Misty*

        This was my thought. The police in my area have been trying to keep people out of the hospital as much as possible.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      There may not have been a chargeable offense occurring.
      The officers may not have seen any offense occurring while they were there.
      “Scaring her” may not have been enough to get to the legal definition of “harassment”.
      He may not have been making threats specifically at her and/or he may have been making vague threats.

      From what I have seen it can take several of such calls before anything is done. Our laws are “reactive” not “proactive”. We wait until something goes wrong in a big way THEN we do something. In some ways this is good, but it other ways it seems antiquated. It’s not a stretch to believe your bro will NOT get better on his own and how many times do we (society) have to see this before we realize.

      I am very sorry your family is having this difficulty. Perhaps your local police chief could provide you with situation specific information.

    6. anon24*

      Hi WellRed. This is such a difficult position for everyone involved and the laws here are hard, because they are designed to protect the interests of your brother, even though it doesn’t always work that way. I wasn’t there, so I can’t honestly tell if someone wasn’t doing their job or if your brother fell into one of those unfortunate areas where we can’t do anything, but I’ll try to explain it the best I can. Disclaimers that again, of course I wasn’t there, don’t know details, and don’t know the specifics of your local laws. When you say your brother didn’t let them check him, I’m assuming you mean EMS? Because later you mention the police? If I’m assuming incorrectly, I apologize. My comment addresses the first visit. I think Not so NewReader did a good job covering why the police didn’t do anything.

      This is super long, because I am always way more wordy than I need to be, but the TL:DR is that people are allowed to refuse medical care if they can answer all our questions appropriately. However, if they are a threat to themselves/others or can’t take care of themselves you may be able to petition for an involuntary commitment. Local laws vary, check your area.

      People are usually allowed to refuse care/assessment from EMS if someone else calls the ambulance for them. This is to prevent them from being forced to go to the hospital against their will and from having to deal with us if they don’t want to. For example, you might be surprised how often we get called out to check on people who are sleeping in their cars because someone thinks they overdosed. It’s fine, we’re happy to do it, but there’s no need to assess those people if they are truly just sleeping. Also, think of people who have seizure disorders and regularly have seizures. They may not need EMS when they have a seizure, but well meaning bystanders may call us out (none of this is to say don’t ever hesitate to call EMS. please, please, if you think someone needs us, call us!). I’m an EMT, and if I take someone to go to the hospital against their will it’s actually legally kidnapping. But, in order for someone to legally tell me to go away, they have to be what we refer to as “Oriented x4”. In other words, can you tell me your name, tell me month/year, tell me what is going on right now, and tell me where we are. If you can tell me that generally the law says that you can refuse EMS assessment BUT I also have to feel that you can competently understand what’s going on, and that’s where things get a little murky, especially with drugs/alcohol. As an EMT, if someone is clearly under the influence I’m always going to assess them, even if I don’t transport, because I want to determine how impaired they are and determine if they are going to be safe. But if they are answering all my questions correctly and do not appear incredibly impaired while I am talking to them, I can’t force them to do anything. Again, I wasn’t there, so I don’t know how your brother presented at the time he was assessed, I don’t know if he was able to answer those questions appropriately or if someone wasn’t doing their job.

      Sometimes there are really horrible situations where it is clear to everyone involved that the person needs care, whether it be medical or psychiatric, but the person refuses that care and is unfortunately just legally competent enough to refuse. I have begged people to come with me and seek treatment and they sit there and insist that they are fine and everyone else is the problem, meanwhile their family is losing their minds. I can get a doctor involved over the phone and try to use their title “Hey, I talked to the doctor and they REALLY think you need to be seen at the hospital”, and sometimes the doctor will get on the phone with that person and actually talk to them, but even then, if they still refuse to go and meet all the legal criteria, I can’t make them go.

      Now, sometimes people fall into criteria for an involuntary commitment. Every area is very specific, so this is very much a check your local laws. In my area, if someone makes specific suicidal threats, homicidal threats that seem related to psychological issues, is unable to care for themselves, or meets a few other criteria, police, hospital workers, or the family can petition for a warrant to have the person involuntarily committed. There is a county agency that handles these warrants and so usually either the person will admit to the police that they feel suicidal and the police officer will write the warrant and transport to the hospital, or the family will contact the agency about what is happening and the agency will determine whether that meets criteria for a warrant.

      I’m sorry that you and your family are going through this and best wishes for all of you. Addiction sucks.

      1. WellRed*

        Thanks for this (and the other comments, everyone). Yes, it was EmS. I suspect he may have been able to answer those 4 questions and he was at home and not alone so it makes sense they couldn’t do anything. I’m filing away this info for future mental reference.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        You are making me think. A long time ago when we had a motorcycle accident, I was trying to get the EMTs to look at my husband. So I kept saying that I did not want help. (I was sitting by the side of the road in a rural area, covered in blood. I obviously needed help.) One EMT finally got very angry with me. “We are loading your husband in the ambulance NOW. And we are leaving NOW. Are your going with us OR NO?” Gosh, she was SO ANGRY.
        She was genuinely afraid she was going to leave me by the side of the road. I just wanted them to take care of my husband. A bit of a crowd had formed and he was up and wandering around. I had to keep telling them to go find him, ASAP. I knew better than to try to walk around. What I did not think about was the fact that I had refused their service!

    7. Emma*

      They can only take him if he’s a danger to himself or others. My MIL occasionally gets committed, and it’s a high bar. Really dependent on officer judgement.

    8. nonegiven*

      If he knows who he is, where he is, and why, and doesn’t seem to be an immediate threat to himself or others then they can’t legally do anything.

  101. AnonymousLady*

    Anyone else struggling with feeling lonely and isolated due to staying home all the time? I talk to friends via FaceTime and text as much as possible, but I really only have a few friends tbh, and they don’t have the time to talk as much as I need to. I’m staying with my parents for the time being, so I’m not completely isolated but I still feel very alone. My family isn’t very big or close-knit so we’re really talking that much either. I feel like I need to ask my friends to reach out to me more, but I don’t know how to do this without appearing needy.

    1. WellRed*

      I’m feeling a bit lonely. A lot of my regular socialization ( friends have kids and partners) is hanging out at the local pub with other regulars. I’m afraid once this is over, many will have moved on in some way.

    2. Parenthetically*

      “without appearing needy”

      Can you reframe this in your mind as “it’s okay to have needs, and it’s okay to ask for what I need, and that doesn’t make me pathetic or clingy, it makes me a human who needs connection”? There’s really no other way to get what you’re after besides texting your friends and saying, “Dudes, I’m home all the time and feeling the isolation SO MUCH, and I really need some extra connection with people I care about. Can we do Zoom happy hour on Wednesdays after work, or send each other pictures of every cool bird we see, or cook dinner ‘together’ once a week or _____ or _____ or [insert your idea here, friends]? Help a friend out!”

    3. lazy intellectual*

      Not exactly lonely but bored. I’m fortunate in that I have a lot of friends/family who are willing to keep in contact me, do regular video chats, etc. But…I miss being able to hang out with them in-person, go out and do activities, etc. My weeks are all starting to look the same now. Work (again, which I’m fortunate to have) M-F. Saturday and Sunday, I clean and cook and have my regular Skype dates with friends and family (my favorite part). Read, watch a movie, go on walks, hang out on the internet and this website. Rinse and repeat.

      At this point, loosening the stay-at-home restrictions to just be able to go visit people would be huge improvement. But I know we have to wait until the time is right.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Our governor has laid out the prospective dates for our cautious Phase 1, and it looks like, provided we don’t see a spike in cases, our dearest best friends are going to be able to come over for dinner in about a month. To say I’m excited is a HUGE understatement.

    4. Might be Spam*

      I’m not a very social person but I decided to start a group email for a dance group I’m in. Not everyone participates, but amazingly, not one person asked to be removed from the list. Some people don’t feel like sharing but I think they still feel included.

      I just asked people to share some random, normally boring bits of their day and started the discussion with something dumb that I did that day. Eventually I set up a Skype group to meet at the day and time we would been together pre-lockdown. Some people prefer email and some like to Skype.

      I’ve never used Skype before and it looks like my Pandemic-Lockdown-Skill is going to be “Skype Whisperer.” I’ve learned a lot about Skype (by making mistakes) and people are calling me to get help setting up their own Skype calls.

      This might work for other people who meet regularly, like a neighborhood pub or recreation center because you already have something in common. Ask participants to invite others to join you. Some businesses and groups are starting Facebook meetings online. Some days the discussion is superficial and other days we go really deep.

      I feel useful and I’m getting to talk to people way more often than I ever expected. I’ve never felt very popular before, so this has been great.

    5. Thankful for AAM*

      One of my friends has organized 2 Zoom parties. It sounds awkward but it was really nice. We have themes, a pants hat theme (its a running joke with us) and tomorrow is a May 4th party.

      We just chatted and checked in but it was a nice thing to have everyone together. I think it helped that we had a plan for a specific time, we each set aside the time to be there.

  102. Lady Jay*

    Y’all. I moved yesterday, I’ve been in the new place 24 hours and there are wasps building a nest (paper wasps) in one corner of the deck. Other than alerting my landlady (which I may just do), what suggestions do you have?

    (I really hate wasps.)

    1. Parenthetically*

      We have one just outside one of the windows in our living room. I feel no qualms about the can of wasp spray I’m going to empty into it later today.

    3. Sara(h)*

      Definitely call your landlady! She may be able to get exterminators. I wouldn’t try to deal with it myself if I wasn’t the property owner. Wasp stings are horrendous, at least for me.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I wait for a very cold morning, say 40 degrees or lower. Then I knock the nest down and sweep it up. The cold makes them lethargic and very stupid. This is not for everyone, clearly, but it doesn’t bother me. I do specifically wait for that 40 degrees or lower. I have gotten rid of bees this way also.

      My husband added hairspray to our routine. It coats their wings, hardens quick, and they drop to the ground. Again, not for everyone. It worked well for us.

      OTOH my neighbor had difficulty with wasps in a tree stump. I went over a couple days in a row and sprayed. She made a note of the various times of day she saw activity, I followed those time frames.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I should say that I am careful about how I throw the nest away if I chose to knock it down. There’s a field behind me. I have a storm drain in front of my house. Other times I do it just before a dump run and I take it directly to the dump.

        1. Chaordic One*

          When I’ve had this problem, after taking the steps you’ve mentioned, I swept the nest into a trash bag and then put that trash bag into a second one. (Double-bagged.)

    5. Reba*

      Wasp spray, and it’s pretty scary to apply — do it when the wasps are out of the nest! — so feel free to get landlady on it. And then if you are crafty, I saw online someone made a crocheted hornets’ nest and hung it in their area as a decoy, to discourage any such creatures from coming back to rebuild.

      1. Something Blue*

        Re: the crocheted nest: Cool! That’s like a little Death Star!

        Only no one dies! They just fly elsewhere…

    6. Anono-me*

      We use one of the eco-friendly mint oil based sprays to kill the Wasps. It also seems to repel them somewhat although it’s not advertised as doing so.

      1. Anono-me*

        Ps,
        Congratulations on the new home and seconding letting the landlady know as the first plan.

    7. fposte*

      I had good luck, with a wasps’ nest in a weird place (between inner and outer windows), with ruining the tone of the neighborhood. I sprayed it with water from a regular plant sprayer; annoyed wasps left for it to dry. I kept regularly respraying it until it seemed like they pretty much gave up and then I knocked the next down with a pole and booted it out the window into the lawn.

    8. Auntie Social*

      If it’s under the deck, paint the deck light blue (if landlady lets you). Wasps think blue = sky and won’t rebuild nest.

  103. Anonnington*

    I’ve been quarantined with my dog for two months now. I was living kind of a solitary life before, so it didn’t seem like a big change. And yet I think it’s starting to get to me.

    As solitary as my life is, it was occasionally social. I’d go out and talk to people and take on new projects and learn about new things. I’m still doing more of that than is normal in quarantine and yet . . .

    I think I’m starting to lose it. I’m having insomnia. It’s affecting my work. It’s affecting the (limited and exclusively digital) social side of things. I feel on edge and in need of sleep. I joined a forum, but I didn’t use the best judgment about what to say and just got flamed.

    I ordered a fan to help with sleeping. It arrives in a few days. A lot of people here in NYC have given up on social distancing and are getting festive. I know things could take a turn for the worse because of that, so I keep quarantining myself. And even avoiding social media because people seem more on edge and the creep factor is increasing – everyone wants something.

    I miss positive interactions with people. Smiles and random conversations. Getting a good night’s sleep.

    That is all, friends.

    1. Anono-me*

      I have absolutely nothing useful to say. But I wishing good days ahead for you.

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      You are not alone in feeling like this! I was ridiculously excited to pick up a bag of bird seed today because it meant I got to drive my car and talk to one other person (the guy who put the bag in my trunk). I’m having trouble staying focused during the day and staying asleep at night. It’s unfortunate but understandable. Like Anono-me, I hope there are better days ahead for all of us.

    3. Misty*

      I greatly understand the pandemic/staying home affecting mental health. I ended up in the hospital this past week because I couldn’t stop having panic attacks. I didn’t realize the isolation had affected me so much until I was surrounded by people again.

      Isolation is so rough even if you spend a lot of time normally alone. I think we get more social interaction from our normal schedules than we realize. I would advise to try to stay in touch with supportive friends and family as much as helps you. Trying to keep a steady sleep schedule has been helping me (but my insomnia was out of control before the hospital tbh.) Have you considered teletherapy just to have someone to talk to? I’m not a huge fan of it tbh because in person is so much better but it’s worth a thought if you think it could help. I’ve been doing it and while it’s not awesome, it’s def somewhat helpful imo.

      I will be keeping you in my thoughts this upcoming week and please let us know how you are next week if you can/would like to.

    4. Anonnington*

      Thank you! Yes, I’m keeping in touch with people.

      This weekend, a lot of people in my neighborhood have given up social distancing. The streets are getting crowded again. People are having parties.

      I can’t stand it. They’re just going to end up spreading the virus again and random people who didn’t make bad choices will be infected. If only more people understood how infectious diseases work, and could set aside the conspiracy theories and other nonsense.

      1. Misty*

        That’s strange that people have given up in your area. My area is still going strong from what I could see on my drive home from the hospital and all my walks with the dog. Why do you think people are giving up this weekend? Warm weather perhaps?

        1. Anonnington*

          Warm weather, what the media reporting (medical advances, declining daily death tolls), quarantine fatigue, a false sense of security, and probably misinformation.

          1. Misty*

            Ah okay. I asked my roommates and they said everyone here is still freaked out about the virus.

            1. Anonnington*

              I think it varies by the area of the city. I’m in one of the more affected zip codes.

  104. nep*

    Anyone ever used the Pranamat? What if any benefits did you experience? I’m so curious about this thing. I reckon it’s a very expensive item the effects of which could be achieved through other less expensive measures…But I do find it intriguing.

    1. Not A Girl Boss*

      I was just looking at a copy cat on amazon that’s only like $50. I’ve had some friends tell me they’re useful for surface skin imperfections, since it’s basically microneedling, and ok for nerve pain stuff. But really didn’t do that much for them for deeper muscle pain. For that they ended up getting a massage gun.
      Talk about expensive, my mom just ended up forgoing her prana mat for a Joov and said the Joov is incredibly effective and “worth it” but oh man that price tag…

      1. nep*

        Hoo boy. Just looked that up. Holy cow that’s steep.
        Interesting. I’d not seen that. Thanks.

    2. fposte*

      I tried the Pranamat for a while and gave it up. It didn’t seem to afford any advantage over lying on my back without it for the same amount of time. Though it was a *superb* back scratcher.

  105. PhyllisB*

    My heart is breaking. My daughter just let me know one of her friends died of Covid19. She’s only 39 and leaves behind husband and four sons.

    2. LGC*

      I’m so sorry. You, your daughter, and her friend’s family have my deepest condolences.

    4. JC Books*

      I once read a neat article about losing a parent. It is important to keep up traditions. If mom made a certain cake on birthdays, then find the recipie and schedule someone to make it for each birthday. If mom always bought Christmas PJs to open on Christmas assign that to someone in the support network.
      If there is a first or last day of school tradition, assign that to someone. Ask kids to share favorite memories of mom and they will give lots of ideas. Her friends and family want to help. These tasks make all involved feel good. Hugs!

    5. NoLongerYoung*

      Phyllis – sending condolences. and a gentle virtual hug for your daughter – this must be hard for her,too?. The first friend makes it so very real, and reminds you of your mortality….

    6. Auntie Social*

      I hope they all still celebrate Mother’s Day. Maybe make her great roast chicken and say “mom sayings” a lot. Or clean their room as a MD tribute

  106. Rebecca*

    Oh hey everyone, I’ve been busy washing winter things to put away. 16 days ago, snow. Today, 80 degrees and I walked around in the freshly mowed yard in my bare feet! And I walked over to my cousin’s house, and we drank a few cold beers on the back deck (appropriately distanced!!). It was SO GOOD to sit and talk to people face to face! I suspect we’re going to jump from winter to summer again.

    I also got groceries, in the store, as I forgot to snag a pickup time for this weekend, and one of the employees was stocking in something, and I waited a while, but felt like I was blocking the aisle, so I said, excuse me, could I grab that thing and get out of your way? She said, sure, I grabbed it, thanked her, said to have a nice day, and she said, thank you for being nice about it, so many people just yell and complain. I told her I was grateful she was working because it meant I could still eat the foods I like. Man, why do people have to be so awful? I was able to buy everything I went for except the beef roasts that were on sale, but I have beef, pork, venison, turkey and chicken so no worries on meat to eat. I did snag a brisket with a spice packet, it’s in the slow cooker now with potatoes and cabbage. I can’t wait to dig in!!

    Hope everyone is well. My mother was especially weird today, commenting about “all the clothes I washed” and that why was there another pair of jeans on the line today, when there were 7 yesterday, and why were there so many? Well, I hadn’t done laundry for 7 days, and yesterday I had to fiddle with the mower deck at one point, and I was laying in the mud….but she proceeded to tell me that “she wears her pants 2 or 3 full days before washing them, and there’s no reason I can’t”. Also, I apparently don’t know how to use a slow cooker properly because she felt it was “too full”. Gee, I’m 57 years old. Perhaps I know when my clothing needs washed, and how to prepare food without making myself sick. And no, I’m not wearing the same things for days at a time! I actually sweat and am physically active. OMG. This was just one of the highlights. Honestly if that woman doesn’t have something to bitch about, she’ll find it.

    BUT – nothing, not even the new murderous death hornets or whatever they are, can ruin my day. Windows are open, all laundry freshly washed, all my winter stuff is ready to be put away, I trimmed the cat’s toenails, and hope to go for a short walk later. Oh, and bears :) The bears were back, with the normal squirrels, raven, raccoons, skunks, opossums, and the neighbor’s pappa cat who strides right by the camera like a boss. And I saw a baltimore oriole and a towhee – the birds are so active right now. For some reason the vultures are still lurking about, it’s weird. I just say not today boys, not today.

    1. Mimmy*

      The weather is just perfect today, so I completely hear you on just taking it all in and enjoying it. Very happy you got to spend some time with your cousin. I’m very introverted so the lockdown has been okay for me, but I really do miss interacting with others.

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      Maybe we should make a star chart for your mom and try for “not break the chain.” One star every day she does complain. IF there is ever a day she doesn’t complain, she “breaks the chain” and you can have a special celebration? That way you are always expecting it.

      If you wanted to make it more interesting, you could go for an extra star bonus for a new complaint she hasn’t previously expressed….

      Kind of a reverse of the “don’t break the chain” habit builder.

  107. PhyllisB*

    This was from last week, but did not see these responses until now. I can’t really answer why he didn’t just send emails. I can only guess it was because the students thought they were supposed to be back on the 27th but TPTB waffled around so long they didn’t even let my husband know until the day before what was going on. He wanted them to know right away about the change so no one would show up for nothing. And because they have given the excuse before that they didn’t “see the email until it was too late.” (Kind of like my children refusing to check their voice mail.) The point I was trying to make is I thought it was funny that he was sitting there muttering all these threats as to who was going to fail, double fail, ect.

    My husband is an instructor at our college workforce center and he has to go back tomorrow; students return May 4. Their instruction is all hands-on, cannot be taught online, and there are state requirements on how many hours of hands-on they get before they are considered complete.
    Anyway, he got the definite message today about return so he sent texts to all his students and VERY PLAINLY told them to respond by email so he would know they saw it and could ask questions if they had them.
    He told me, “I bet every single one them text back.” And sure enough, they did. I got so tickled, he was sitting at the kitchen table with his roster muttering, “I’m failing your ass. YOU just got an F-. ….” Of course, he’s not really going to fail them, but he is going to give them a stern lecture in FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS when class resumes.

    ▼ Collapse 2 replies

    fhqwhgads*
    April 26, 2020 at 9:33 pm
    I’m confused why he didn’t email them first if he wanted an email response though? I mean, I get it, following instructions, but it’s a pretty natural response to reply in the medium one received the initial communication.

    1. RagingADHD*

      If he makes a habit of being overly rigid and setting up pointless hoops for his students to jump through, of course he’ll be constantly irritated. I assume a number of students are irritated with him, too.

      They are adults. I’m sure a number of them texted back because demanding they email instead of hitting “reply” on the text is ridiculous, and they don’t have the time or inclination to play along.

      If he has nothing better to spend instructional time on than throwing a tantrum because they used an easy, logical form of communication about logistics (NOT a class assignment), then I’m not sure why they are bothering to reconvene at all.

      1. Not a Mind Reader*

        But if you read the post, it mentions that he had been emailing them but then they complained they didn’t see the emails. So if they had just checked their emails to begin with, he wouldn’t need to text them. So really, asking that they email back confirmation isn’t that bgi of an ask…

        1. RagingADHD*

          Not on its own, no. But it didn’t work.

          What’s the goal here? Getting the information to the students so they know when class starts, or making them “behave”?

          Pitching a hissy fit about it and lecturing people isn’t going to improve anything. He might as well save his breath and focus on the class material he’s supposed to teach.

  110. gsa*

    Good evening. currently 2008 EST here.

    Anyone do any fun or interesting this weekend?

    Replaced three windows yesterday, and today cooked some hummingbird food. I just filled and rehung their feeder.

    I’d post pictures if there was a reasonable way to do it.

  111. Auntie Social*

    QUARANTINE FATIGUE: Anyone else, or just me? I’d really appreciate any ideas to get the blahs/go-bloots out of my system.

    1. AnonEMoose*

      If it’s safe to do this where you are, go outside for a walk as often as you can. Even if it’s just around your block or up and down it a few times. Anything that gets your circulation going a bit and gets you some fresh air. Or a bike ride, or whatever doesn’t compromise social distancing but gets you some air.

      Do something nice for yourself, whatever that looks like for you. Order an adult coloring book or two and some nice pens. Try a new recipe or two.

      See if you can find a way to do some socializing online. I chat with friends on Facebook pretty regularly, and talk to my mom on the phone every week, and talk with another friend on Google Hangout every week.

      Or if it’s a thing you enjoy, try learning about something you’ve always found intriguing, but never had the time to look into. Even in just a casual way.

      Or, you know, just remind yourself that it’s ok not to be ok right now. This situation sucks for so many people, in so many ways, and it’s totally to be expected to feel sad and anxious or angry or down or whatever it is you’re feeling. Sometimes it helps me to just recognize that I’m not ok in the moment – but I have reasons to not be ok, and I don’t have to be ok all the time.

  112. Lizabeth*

    Gorgeous day today BUT the warm weather has brought the STINK BUGS out of their hidey holes on the screened in porch – about 12-15. Trying a DIY vinegar spray and see if that kills them. Otherwise I have to knock them into a jar of soapy water.

  113. Phryne Fisher*

    What should you do if you think your SO is a jerk in public?

    Here’s an example: We’re driving on a residential street big enough for one car in each direction. We come up to a car that’s stopped because the driver is chatting with someone on the sidewalk. My SO stops behind the car. The driver and pedestrian are waving to go around. Finally, SO drives around and says, “You has aren’t supposed to be stopped.” The driver and pedestrian both seem unimpressed, respond back to the effect of “Go away” “Mind your own business.”

    When I asked why SO felt the need to give those strangers a hard time, SO felt completely justified. My take is that while yes, the car shouldn’t have been stopped in the street, we were hardly inconvenienced.

    1. RagingADHD*

      If it’s out of character, I’d let them know that they seem like the stress of the shutdown is getting to them, and see if we can brainstorm ways to blow off steam in healthier ways.

      This particular incident seems pretty low key, but if it happens a lot I’d ask them to please not antagonize people – or at least not with me in the car, because sooner or later it’s going to get ugly.

      If this is the tip of the iceberg and they are habitually a jerk to others, I’d take note of it and seriously consider getting out of the relationship before they turn it on me. With habitual jerks it’s not a matter of if, but when.

    2. Analyst Editor*

      Hmm, that’s a tough one; and I have this issue with my husband from time to time. I think there are two things: 1) addressing it at the right time and kindly, and 2) introspecting to see if you’re unusually triggered by what seems like assertive/more masculine behavior which is still within the realm of appropriate when someone else is being rude (e.g., stopping in the middle of the street: we all do it sometimes, but it’s a jerk move in itself).

      For 1), I think addressing it in private, ideally after you’ve both had food, is the time to do it — and in a non-confrontational way, with “when you are aggressive like this, I feel ____ and I don’t like it because ____. Could you please try to tone it down a little, even if something frustrates you [for example]?” (I mention the food part because I’ve totally had it when we had HUGE fights with husband right BEFORE dinner and couldn’t even remember the cause AFTER…. And for me, lack of food also makes any negative feeling I have about his behavior magnified like 10X.)

      2) I know I’m very conflict-avoidant, and I cringe when others — e.g. my own mom — stand up for themselves aggressively, even in situations when it’s appropriate: e.g. a vendor trying to scam you, or a bureaucrat brazenly lying to or stonewalling you, or someone cutting you in line at the store. But that doesn’t mean my way is the better way.

      Good luck!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I think I would go with, “Hon, it’s just a minute or so out of our lives. It’s not that big a deal.”

      Sometimes SOs can respond really well if we tell them something just isn’t that important.

  114. Bruise Campbell*

    I absolutely adore this blog but the visiting angels ad is very intrusive and difficult to dismiss.

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