weekend open thread – August 22-23, 2020

by Alison Green on August 22, 2020

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Before the Fall, by Noah Hawley. A man rescues a young boy after the plane they’re on goes down, and when the boy turns out to be the only surviving member of a rich and powerful family, questions are raised about what really happened on board. This is not my usual fare, but it kept me totally engrossed.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  2. Aphrodite*

    What is one product you have bought within the last twelve months that you would unreservedly recommend and why.

    I am asking because I recently ordered a second bed fan (https://www.bfan.world/) because my first one is in storage since I am living in interim housing. I adore this thing beyond reason and thought it might be fun to recommend it. Of course I have no affiliation. I’m simply in love … with a thing.

    Please limit this to tangible items (which can include consumable) rather than trips or experiences. Looking forward to hearing what everyone thinks is perfect for them.

    1. Sara(h)*

      That is an AWESOME question. I have three recommendations, 2 in particular, and all of them are inexpensive. First, the Tovolo mini scoop and spread. Here is an Amazon link (but if anyone buys from Amazon, use the link Alison posted up top, so she gets a commission): https://www.amazon.com/Tovolo-Silicone-Spread-Assorted-Colors/dp/B00TUHR2PU (If you want to choose your color, you can find them on ebay and other places in specific colors). This thing is amazing. My sister got me one, and since then I’ve bought a bunch as gifts. My friend says that hers is always either in the sink or drainer b/c she is always using it. Me too! It is the best for scooping those last bits out of jars. I love this thing!
      Also this: https://www.amazon.com/Premium-Handheld-Cordless-Operated-Keyboard/dp/B07ZXSH3BP/. I have one at home and at work. I use it all the time — small spills of dry oatmeal, spices, or even broken bits of glass. Love it!
      The last one is just an inexpensive veggie peeler that works REALLY well:https://www.kuhnrikonshop.com/original-swiss-peeler-orange/KHN+2776.html. It does rust easily though if it stays wet, so you want to keep don’t want to let it sit in the sink for long, but I’ve had mine for a while and it still is sharp and works beautifully!

    2. Jackalope*

      I got a wrap dress from Toad & Co (actually two, same style but different colors). One of the things I hate about That Place We Do Not Name On the Weekend Thread is that it’s chilly and air conditioned so I can’t wear summer weight clothes when I’m there. Since I’m working from home instead (with no air conditioner), I’m free to wear summer clothes. I’ve loved wearing this dress on warm days; it has a nice fit, lightweight feel, and POCKETS. Plus the skirt is long enough but not too long.

      I’m a big bookworm and normally try to limit myself to the library as much as I can, but since the library has been closed I’ve bought more books this year. I went on an online list of books in some of my favorite styles and just splurged on a handful of them without worrying much other than that they were a style I liked. That was so fun getting a couple of boxes of books in the mail! (My favorite so far has been The Priory of the Orange Tree, in case you were curious.)

        1. KaciHall*

          Same here. My husband burst out laughing when we were looking at old pictures the other day, because there’s a picture from first or second grade, and I’m in a pinafore dress with front pockets, with my hands jammed in and a smile on my face. He says it’s proof that I’ve only ever really needed dresses with pockets and nothing else to be happy. He is wrong, but not by much…

      2. Everdene*

        I’ve discovered Popsy dresses this year. They ALL have pockets! I have bought 5 or 6 so far and will definitely buy more.

        1. Batgirl*

          Oh dear God this is my pocket-filled non skimpy, cute length home! Apple print! Books! Roll on school…

    3. Lemonwhirl*

      I’ve fallen down the baking rabbit hole during quarantine and made a Wishlist of obscure baking tools. My birthday was in July and my awesome husband pretty much bought my entire Wishlist. My two favourite items are:

      A plastic dough scraper – https://triggerfishcookshop.ie/products/plasticscraper
      So great. I don’t know how I baked without it. Really helps lift all the usable dough out of the bowl.

      A Danish whisk – https://www.bakerybits.co.uk/dough-whisk-dark-handled
      Does an amazing job really mixing everything up without too much clumping on the whisk itself.

      Also, I want to advocate buying really good flour, even if it means buying ridiculous quantities from a wholesaler. I’ve been buying 16kg bags of bread flour. I go through them in 6-8 weeks depending how bake-y I feel.

      1. Dani*

        I am Danish and had never seen nor heard of such a thing..! But it looks really cool and usefull!

      3. RagingADHD*

        Yes! I got a dough whisk this year, too. So good for all kinds of thick batters, as well as dough. Gets the lumps out easily without clogging up like a wire whisk.

      4. Jenny F. Scientist*

        I also got a Danish whisk and use it all the time! I got the Tovolo one because it’s all metal.

    4. LDF*

      Glass chair mat. I never bothered getting one before WFH and just suffered whenever I was at my desk in my deeply covered office. Sitting there 8 hours a day forced my hand and it’s a GAME CHANGER. If you want to use your swivel chair on carpet, I cannot recommend glass enough. So smooth.

      1. Cedrus Libani*

        Also, if your WFH space does not allow for a mat, you might consider getting rollerblade style wheels for your desk chair. They’re bigger than the usual wheels, so they work much better on thick carpets.

    5. Princess Deviant*

      I’ve sort of gone on a stress-related spending spree since Covid-19 began, so I have a few things I’m now very fond of!
      Particularly though: this shiatsu neck massager – shorturl.at/hyJ23
      and a pressure-point-relieving mattress topper, on offer from Groupon which is no longer available.

      1. Long drives*

        I am intrigued by the neck massager but the URL posted is not working for me? Just opens to shorturl.at and invites me to shorten a URL.

        1. Princess Deviant*

          Oh that is annoying. It is the Snailax Shiatsu Neck Massager with Heat – Adjustable Back Massager, Heated Neck Massage Pillow, Electric Massager for Neck and Back Shoulder Foot Massage from Amazon. Perhaps searching for it will be better?

    6. Director of Alpaca Exams*

      I got a Samsung Galaxy Active 2 smartwatch primarily because my partner hated the sound of my phone notifications, I missed calls and texts if the phone was on vibrate, and having a vibrating notification machine on my wrist seemed like a good way to keep us both happy. But I’m astonished by how much I like it for lots more things than just getting my notifications reliably, consistently, and quietly (though I do like that part a lot). It tracks my sleep, it rewards me for getting enough exercise, I can use it very easily to receive and send quick Slack messages or texts when I have a squirmy child on my lap and can’t dig around in my pocket for my phone, and one time my mom called while I was washing dishes and I answered the call from my watch so I didn’t have to try to use my phone with soapy hands. (“Mom, I’m talking to you through my watch like Dick Tracy!” She was very impressed.) It turns out getting my phone out of my pocket, unlocking it, finding the app I want, and waiting for the app to launch is actually kind of a hassle, and I have small hands and a large heavy phone (because all phones are large now) and don’t want to be holding it all the time. So being able to check the weather from my wrist—or use my watch to put my phone in do-not-disturb mode if the child on my lap abruptly falls asleep—is really nice.

      I got a magnetic mesh band for it, which I like much better than the silicone band it comes with, and an IQ Shield cover for the screen because I keep bonking it on things. I enjoy playing around with different faces and would be designing my own by now if the design software hadn’t crashed my laptop to the point where I needed to reinstall the OS (oops). I have very narrow wrists and the 40mm size looks good on me. The battery lasts a full two days, since I use a simple watch face that doesn’t take up much energy. And it’s useful to have one designed for sports use so I don’t have to worry about splashing it when I wash my hands.

      So yeah. I’m a smartwatch convert! Highly recommended.

    7. Hotdog not dog*

      Ache No More lotion from the Misty Mountain Soap Company (mistymountainsoap.com) is fabulous! Light, soaks in quickly, and actually works on my frozen shoulder and arthritic knees! I also discovered that it’s good for sunburn and muscle pain when you overdo it in the garden. It also has a very light scent that fades away pretty quickly so you can still wear another cologne or scented lotion without smelling weird.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Love Misty Mountain! I’m going to TN in a few weeks and will have a chance to stop by and load up on my favorites.

    8. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Can I say formula? Lol. I’m glad to be in a time where it’s an option and not just a sub-par alternative.

      Oh and a strawberry huller. I’ll have to think about other stuff.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Ugh ok I just reread your question. So the first item doesn’t fit the spirit of the discussion so my apologies. But definitely on the strawberry huller. I love it.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Two big hits in the family recently.
      We got a sous-vide and the results really are good. Low slow cook on meat then toss it on the grill. Squid even–instead of boiling for seconds, it’s at 139`F for over an hour. (Too long is still possible, but it takes much longer to get there…and it goes soft instead of rubber.)
      And my daughter who always disliked toothpaste has discovered fennel flavored toothpaste from Tom’s of Maine.

      1. Ali G*

        We love our sous vide! I’ll never cook steak any other way again. I love the idea of squid (or maybe even octopus!).
        It’s also great for re-heating meat. We did ribs on the smoker recently and re-heated leftovers in the sous vide and it was almost as good as the day we made them.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I don’t even try to cook pork chops any way other than sous vide, I will always overcook them. But in the sous vide bin, perfection.

    10. username required*

      A Lavazza electric milk frother. I’ve been working from home for close to 5 months and being able to make lattes or cappucinos is great.

    11. The Other Dawn*

      Goat Milk Hot Fudge from Beekman1802 (dot)com. It’s a small jar, but it’s SO delicious! I don’t use it on ice cream–I keep it in the fridge and grab a spoonful when I want something sweet.

      I’ve started using their goat milk soaps. The bars are huge–9 ounces–and smell really nice. The soap feels very creamy, too. I have their Heirloom Flower Garden Spritzer in honeysuckle scent. What I like is that it is a very light scent and can be used as a room spray, body mist, fabric mist, or anything else you want it for. No alcohol, just water and fragrance. I also just started using their Milk Stick natural deodorant and I’m liking it. My body seems to have started adjusting to it.

      I don’t know if anyone here watched The Amazing Race, but the guys who run this company, Josh Kilmer-Purcell and Brent Ridge, won season 21. We took a tour several years ago of their farm in NY, which was fun. I got to hold the baby goats. :)

      1. GoryDetails*

        “I don’t know if anyone here watched The Amazing Race, but the guys who run this company, Josh Kilmer-Purcell and Brent Ridge, won season 21. We took a tour several years ago of their farm in NY, which was fun. I got to hold the baby goats. :)”

        I’ve enjoyed some of the Beekman products too – but I especially recommend Josh’s book THE BUCOLIC PLAGUE, “an unconventional memoir”. [And I envy you the visit – and the goats!] I loved their Amazing Race stint too.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          OMG the baby goats were adorable!! So warm and soft. :) I loved seeing their property. It’s absolutely beautiful. I have an old house–older than theirs–so it gave me ideas for how I’d like my yard to look.

          I’ll have to check out that book–thanks for reminding me. I was going to buy it early on and then forgot about it.

    12. anon for this*

      I bought two silicon drain catchers that sit about an inch down into the bathtub and sink to catch hairs (“TubShroom” and “SinkShroom” since they are both mushroom shaped).

      I have very thick hair, and every time I wash it, a couple hundred hairs fall out. Combing my hair also usually ends with a bunch of hairs in the sink, too. I hate buying drain cleaner because it’s corrosive and awful, but I haven’t been able to avoid that in years.

      Since purchasing these and setting them up, I’ve had no drain problems at all. A few hours after washing my hair, I just pull up the TubShroom – which now has a couple hundred hairs neatly wrapped around it – and put those in the trash, not the sink. Fantastic!

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        Those things are VERY handy, and on a related note, if you don’t manage to get them in time and your drain is running slow, you can get a Zip-It (or knockoff) drain cleaning tool, which is just a long thin flexible wand with backward-pointing spikes on it. Reach it down into the drain, pull up a magnificent wad of hair and soap scum. Done. Drain works perfectly afterwards. Such an ingenious idea, costs about $2 and ten minutes of time. Worth it, worth it, worth it.

        2. NeverNicky*

          Second this recommendation (long curly hair, getting longer and thicker in lockdown/menopause!)

        3. Trina*

          And if that doesn’t work, try a product called Green Gobbler. It’s supposedly less caustic than Drano and is safe for septic systems. I used it a couple of years back on a bathroom sink and then again I used it recently on a kitchen sink. It really cleared them quickly.

        4. Windchime*

          I bought one of these recently! It was very gross and kind of cool to see all the gunk it drug up out of my drain pipe.

      2. merp*

        I used these at my last house but now my tub has an attached drain-stopper (like the kind you push down to stop the tub – idk the name for it) and I am genuinely annoyed that I have to try to figure out something else that works. Tub Shroom works so well!

          1. merp*

            Thank you for telling me this, omg. It had not occurred to me in the slightest that it would be easy to remove.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      Aphrodite, I just have so say I watched the video on the bfan website and I am super impressed with what they had to say. I especially loved the part about how inadequate rest lays the ground work for so many illnesses including cancer… oh my yes! More people need to point this out, it’s that important. I laughed out loud about being cranky from not enough rest as I cannot count the number of cranky, tired people I see around me. I am wowed by this company. Thanks for posting this!

      1. Aphrodite*

        You are most welcome. I discovered it about 4 or 5 years ago. I had been given a Brookstone bed fan by a friend and was super impressed until within one year it died. I called the company and customer service basically laughed at me. So I ended up giving it away on CL (to someone who liked to tinker with stuff) and spent many hours in intense and deep research, eventually coming to this site. On the site, the owner has a short story of how Brookstone ripped off his idea and how he re-started with the b-fan.

        I ordered it and was so impressed. It was much better, and the owner reassured me that they would stand behind their fans and why. And they have. My original one still works beautifully but I decided that this summer’s heat was bad enough to warrant another since I cannot get to the original.

        I don’t want anyone to think I benefit financially from my recommendation because I do not but this is one of those rare products that I was fortunate enough to discover for myself that is SO DAMN GOOD I feel the need to tell others about it. I am very happy you are thrilled with it too.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            It will probably save people thousands in medical bills plus how do you put a dollar value (expense) on pain/discomfort? I am a huge fan of non-invasive therapies. This one is pretty cheap if it works well for a person.

    14. sswj*

      We got a Roomba alternative, and I adored it so much we got a second. It’s a Goovi and I think it’s this model: https://www.amazon.com/GOOVI-Self-Charging-Protectio-Multiple-Cleaning/dp/B07R1SZP62
      My husband found them on eBay for about $100 including shipping.

      We have all hard floors, live in a sandy area, and have 2 people, 3 dogs, and 11 cats. That’s a lot o’ hair, and since the cats have access to their own yard that’s also a LOT of feet bringing in sand! The units are fairly basic in that there’s no bin-full sensor, and it sometimes takes it a while to find the base for a recharge, but it does a phenomenal job on the main sections of floor. It handles throw rugs well as well as floor grates, has an alarm if it gets stuck or eats something it shouldn’t, and has a remote too. Oh, and they aren’t stupid noisy either. I adore them!

    15. GoryDetails*

      Cat-toy division: the CoolCyberCats Cat Catcher teaser wand – a plastic wand with a wire with a toy critter at the end. This model had a mouse, complete with tail, and it’s been making my cats lose their dang minds. (One of them even trots away with it, growling possessively if the others come near.) They’ve liked other toys in this line (there’s a “bee” version that’s very cute), but the mouse is the biggest hit. I can give the cats a full workout just by waving the thing around while I’m sitting in bed reading, though the reading often takes second place to the sight of the cats doing aerial backflips across the bed!

    16. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I think actually my stick-blender-mini-chopper set has been a particular favorite this year. I don’t remember exactly what brand mine is, but I use it all the time for mostly the mini-chopper functions. Purée a can of something, a pint of blueberries for jam, croutons to bread crumbs, that sort of thing, without getting out the whole big food processor. Some of them also come with a milk frother attachment too, heh.

      On the bed fan – do you think it would be useful for situations where, say, the person on ONE SIDE of a king sized bed wants it much cooler than the person on the other side? Can it be focused that way, or is it more of an all or nothing? We currently have a tower fan blowing on my husband’s side of the bed, but it gets me too and I end up freezing and with dried out nose from being blasted by it, and he’s STILL grumbling about being too warm. :-P

      1. Aphrodite*

        Ys, it would work very well for only one person (of two) in a king-size bed. Just place it on that side at the foot of the bed rather than in the middle. I think they address that on the site. Be right back …

        I only did a quick search so I didn’t find it but I do remember reading about that. Here’s their contact page, though. You can certainly ask: https://bedfans-usa.com/pages/about-us

      2. Aphrodite*

        Hmm, I replied to you earlier and the post is not here. I’ll try again.

        Yes, it will work on just one person when two people share a bed. Just place the fan on the side you want–at the foot of the bed as usual but rather than in the middle, put it over to the side of the person who wants the air.

    17. Ali G*

      Great question! I’ve been trying to use less plastic lately and 2 products have been lifesavers:
      Silicone stretch lids: https://www.amazon.com/Reusable-Silicone-Stretch-Flexible-Container/dp/B07CYN1R4H/ref=sr_1_8?dchild=1&keywords=bowl+covers&qid=1598099177&sr=8-8
      And
      Food Huggers! https://www.amazon.com/Food-Huggers-Reusable-Silicone-Savers/dp/B01J4ADMJ2/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?dchild=1&keywords=food+huggers&qid=1598099350&sr=8-1-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEzNTVKWFZEME1VSFZFJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwNjczMTcxTkJLQ1hIQUY0OVUyJmVuY3J5cHRlZEFkSWQ9QTAwNzkwODExTDNRT1UxVjdVNiZ3aWRnZXROYW1lPXNwX2F0ZiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=
      These are great for ends of cukes, zuke, onion, instead of plastic wrap.
      I also have a ton of reusable silicone food bags.
      Between these products, I’ve had the same roll of plastic wrap in my drawer for probably 8 months. I pretty much only use it for raw meat, so I toss it.

      1. tab*

        I almost bought these a few weeks ago, but I was scared by reviews like this, “Great concept, but they don’t stay on. They have to be perfectly dry to get them on a dish. Then if you put them in the fridge or in the microwave and they get condensation on them, as they do, they will pop off.” Have you seen these problems?

        1. Ali G*

          Not at all! You probably would want to cool stuff before putting it in the fridge, but the lids have totally stayed put. The only time I had a problem was when I should have used a larger size than I did, and it did pop off, so now I make sure I have some overhang all around.
          Also, I only have the round ones, so I can’t speak to the ones that go over casserole dishes or other shapes.

    18. Parenthetically*

      I LOVE this question and can’t wait to read all the responses!!

      SeaVees sneakers — I got these in a beautiful goldenrod color to replace my completely derelict Chuck Taylors and not only are they WAY more comfortable for my feet than Converse (I find Converse ridiculously narrow), but they’re also simpler and cleaner and more… can canvas sneakers be a bit chic? Anyway I adore them.

      Also, dudes, if you have a Costco membership I am BEGGING you to go buy a jar of their mixed nut butter! Spread it on toast! Mix it into yogurt with a drizzle of honey or maple syrup! MAKE COOKIES WITH IT. And then come back and thank me.

    19. Teapot Translator*

      A shredder!
      I know it’s boring, but I’ve been able to shred paper that I’ve had to hold on to because I couldn’t put it in the trash or the recycling bin! So it helped tidy the house a bit.

      1. TPS reporter*

        I love my shredder so much! Even with the USPS struggling I still get so much spam mail.

        My favorite quarantine purchase was Blueland hand soap. Since of course we’re using a lot more soap being at home all day, I felt so guilty throwing away countless hand soap bottles. Blueland gives you a very handsome glass dispenser with little refillable tablets.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I’ve seen the Blueland ads and wondered if the tablets were really as nice as they seemed!

        2. Ali G*

          I’ve been waffling on Blueland! Thanks for the recommendation. We need a new soap dispenser for our kitchen too.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        My fav shredder is a Bonsaii. The last one we had a 4 consecutive hour run time and a 4 year warranty. It gave up just after year 5. We got a new one it has less run time, just 2 hours but I need to stand up after two hours anyway. It seems to be an even better shredder. We use the heck out of it. Previous to this brand we were buying $100 shredders and burning them out in about 7-8 months. I have tried a few shredders…..

        1. Windchime*

          Wow, I think I need one of these. Mine is supposedly heavy-duty but in reality it bogs down if you put more than two sheets in at a time. I would love a shredder where I could put unopened credit card offers in and shred the whole thing, envelope and all.

          1. Sara(h)*

            I bought this Aurora shredder a year ago -Aurora AU1220XA 12 Sheet Crosscut Paper and Credit Card Shredder with 5.2 gal Wastebasket – to replace an older Aurora shredder that lasted 10 years(!) and finally died. I initially replace it with the same less expensive model (the 8-sheet model), but it made this weird high-pitched whining noise that my older model didn’t make. So I bought this upgraded one, and I love it! It never gets jammed either, which my old one occasionally did. But I also want to try the roller stamp mentioned below! Although apparently that works only for smaller fonts, but most things are small font anyway.

      3. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        I haven’t used my shredder for probably three years, since I bought what we call The Obliterator. It’s just a little roller stamp that you quickly whizz over personal information, then you can put most documents in normal recycling. Where I live, shredded paper isn’t allowed in kerbside recycling so this is a huge time- and effort-saver.

        Search for Miseyo Roller Stamp. It’s about the size of a salt shaker. We haven’t needed to replace the ink yet and it’s used probably daily.

        2. Mystery Bookworm*

          We just ordered one of these stamps! Thank you for the recommendation — I’ve been so relucant to shell out the extra cash for more clutter in office (a shredder). This seems like a much easier first solution.

        3. NoLongerYoung*

          My condolences! I’m east bay. And yes. I hear you on the urge to return to home state….between the aging midwestern parent, the covid sheltering, the air quality (last year was worse.for me, I did get a window AC because of work from home, with an old bungalow..
          I and the laptop were malfunctioning in the heat). But all factors together….moving is looking tempting.
          My heart goes out that you have the hospice/impending end on top of it all….hug.

    20. Ali G*

      I guess my links were too much for moderation.
      For me, Google “Food Huggers” and “silicone bowl lids.”
      I’ve been trying to avoid single use plastics, and these are so great. I also have a number of silicone baggies, so I really only use plastic bags and wrap for things I wouldn’t want to try to clean up, like raw meat, or stinky things.
      I’ve had the same roll of plastic wrap for so long the box is falling apart!

    21. Notthemomma*

      For the cleaning nerds- Holloway House Floor Cleaners! Years ago I stripped the wax off the linoleum floor and then cleaned and shined with their products. I truly had a couple people think I had gotten new flooring. There is absolutely NOTHING that will ever touch my floors again.

      #2: Sea Foam Bugs B Gone ( in-line or automotive stores). While it’s made to get bug reside off car front grills and bumpers, I use it in my kitchen – in the stovetop, it took the silver jets where the gas comes out from cruddy black to silver and shined. I’ve also used it on the shower walls, faucets, on the grill. It’s pretty cheap, so I now buy it by the gallon and refill spray bottles. Even gave it away to friends.
      No financial interest or connection to either company.

        1. Notthemomma*

          Yes it is! I was a bit worried at first, so I did a regular rinse/wash. Since I first found it a friend had also separately found it and researched that it is safe. She is more of a safety researcher than I, and hers is the gold seal of approval in my friend group.

    22. Lyudie*

      I recently had an allergic reaction to a face product, and after a week plus of super dry itchy skin that my regular moisturizer was just not touching, I got some Aveeno Ultra-calming Night Cream. Omg this stuff is a miracle. After using it just a few times I saw a huge difference. My face is not flaky and gross, there are only a couple of small dry patches left. The leftover blotchiness/redness is mostly gone. The slightly puffy spots (I think eczema flaring) are no longer puffy. I might look into a regular Aveeno moisturizer when this is gone and forsake my beloved Neutragena if all their stuff is this good.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Ooooooh! Thanks for this rec. I have two kids with VERY fussy skin and have the dickens of a time keeping them moisturized and un-eczema-y in the winter.

        1. Lyudie*

          It is a little pricey IMO (but I am cheap lol) around $18 for a small jar (I think it was a bit less on Amazon). But a little goes a long way and it really seems to be doing the trick, I think it’s worth a shot! No fragrances either!

        2. Sara(h)*

          Neutrogena Norwegian Formula unscented hand cream is MAGIC for eczema and dry, cracked hands. When I was a kid, my hands used to crack and bleed in the winter, when a friend’s mom recommended this stuff to my mom, and I’ve used it ever since. It also very healing in general — like for mom’s post surgery incisions once they were almost healed but still sensitive and sore. I buy it 6 tubes at a time!

      2. Stephanie*

        I’ve tried Aveeno facial stuff in the past, and it has all been good. I really liked their calming daytime moisturizer, and their body lotion is the only thing my son can use in the winter on his eczema-prone winter skin.

        1. Chaordic One*

          Most of Aveeno’s stuff is, indeed, very good, but you need to pay attention to the ingredients on the labels. I have soy allergies and I’ve had not-so-good reactions to some of their products that contain soy as an ingredient (mild allergic skin rash and mild hives). I washed as much of it off as I could with soap and water, then took a Benadryl antihistamine. After about half an hour I applied some Benadryl hydrocortisone creme to it. Soy doesn’t seem to be a common an ingredient in cosmetics and lotions and I would imagine that Aveeno products containing it are probably fine for most people.

      3. Caroline Bowman*

        Aveeno is the answer for sensitive skin prone to flares and dry. My children struggled a lot with exzema as babies and apart from the really medical, gross, heavy ointment-type things, Aveeno was the only pleasant, nice-to-use bath / hair / moisturising range we could use. It really is fantastic stuff!

      1. WellRed*

        I just heard of pizza peels today! Can’t figure out what exactly they are. Recommendations? Stores? I’ve been striving to up my pizza game during the pandemic.

        2. Natalie*

          A pizza peel is essentially a large wooden spatula, or a thin cutting board with a handle. They’re used to transport the raw pizza into the oven and then back out again when it is cooked. You can also use them for other items that are baked free form (not in a pan).

          Any kitchen supply store you like should sell them, or amazon, although personally I’d prefer to handle it before buying. Sometimes they’re called baking peels.

          1. WellRed*

            But how do you get it from that to the baking sheet pizza pan whatever without making a mess?

            1. Jeanius*

              Before you put the dough on the peel, put corn meal on the peel. After I dress my pizza, I give the peel a little shake. If there’s any areas that stick, lift the crust and toss addtl corn meal under.

      2. Ali G*

        I love to put the pizza stone on our gas grill with all burners turned up to high. If you make your own dough, most home ovens don’t get hot enough to cook the dough so it gets brown, puffs up and is chewy inside. I get the grill up to like 600 and let the stone get suuuuppper hot, and then put the pizza on, close the lid, and in about 3-4 minutes it’s done and perfect.

    24. Nervous Nellie*

      Two laundry-related items are my best buys for 2020:

      A cheap salad spinner from the supermarket that I use when handwashing delicate clothing items. I can spin out the bulk of the rinse water, so that I can hang bits & pieces to dry in the tub.

      And a tension rod that I can hang in the middle of my tub for said delicates.

      Both were cheap, take up very little space, and save me from COVID danger in my apartment building’s laundry room. Love ’em!

      1. Jean (just Jean) Seeking Electronic Pest-Repelling Devices*

        Another apartment-dweller here delighted with the following bought to avoid the one poorly ventilated laundry room that serves our building:

        The “Ninja 3200 RPM Portable Centrifugal Spin Dryer” transforms dripping items to almost-dry. Its price (approx. $150 US) exceeded my usual impulse-purchase limit but is worth every penny. Electrically powered but needs only 2-3 minutes per load.

        Two perforated plungers, one home-made by modifying a brand-new toilet plunger, the other a commercially available “Mobile Washer, speed up “hand washing” and somewhat relieve carpal tunnel discomfort.

        Several 5- and 2.5-gallon buckets hold all items to wash, soak, or rinse.

        Home washing is remarkably time-intensive and thus only for items too delicate for commercial laundering. My spouse’s work clothes go to a dry cleaner. Bulky/sturdy household items (sheets, towels, jeans) go to a wash-dry-fold service.

        Resources: laundry-alternative(dot)com, ClothDiaper(dot)com, your local hardware store, and The Container Store for plastic hangers with swivel hooks (easier to hang over door tops).

        2. Chaordic One*

          This sounds like an interesting invention. Often I’ll remove still damp items from the dryer and let them air-dry the rest of the way and this would probably work well for most clothes. You’re so right about home washing being time-intensive. These newer water conserving washers take a lot longer (about twice as long) and don’t do as good a job as the older ones with their agitators.

    25. Jaid*

      USB powered fans. I used to keep one for traveling on the bus/train to work and one at home on my desk.

      Also a USB powered callus remover.

      All available on Amazon.

      1. LemonLyman*

        2nd USB powered fans! We have usb batteries that we use to charge our cell phones and now use to power our little usb fans. Great for when it’s hot out and we need a little air movement but don’t need to turn on the AC. Also nice to put on the bedside table at night.

    27. Aly_b*

      I didn’t really notice I needed a new mattress but hoo boy did I, and it’s made a huge difference in my energy levels. Also set up a home gym, which has been awesome (technically more than one item but combined in spirit, I think).

    28. Creapy Arms*

      I bought from amazon the Door-Doc Front Load Washer Mold and Odor Prevention. It’s a little pricey but works great. I would also suggest you watch the Dirt Farmer Jay video on u-tube. I learned a lot from it.

      1. LemonLyman*

        Thanks for the magnetic arm rec! We’ve been having problems with smell from our washing machine.

        There are a lot of Dirty Farmer Jay videos. Was there one in particular you were referencing?

        1. Creapy Arms*

          It’s called Get rid of Front loader washer Stink. Did you know that there is a filter on these washers that you have to clean? He shows step by step in video.

      2. Sara(h)*

        I want to mention that I just watched the video, and Jay recommends using vinegar in your washer. I used to do this, but then I learned it is terrible for your washer and disintegrates the rubber hoses. I highly recommend you DO NOT USE VINEGAR in your washer.

        1. Sara(h)*

          Otherwise, his instructions for cleaning the filter are awesome — so easy, and I didn’t know to do that!

    29. Jules the 3rd*

      I found some shirts on clearance at Dillards. Bought one, wore it, liked it so much I went back and got three more, and I wish now that I’d gotten 2 more than that. Lightweight blouse made of cotton / modal, with a neckline with buttons about 1/3 the way down the front. Sleeves can either button up to 1/2 length or go loose to 3/4. Semi-tailored, so I get a little waist, but still loose enough that you can’t easily tell how big my stomach is (my BMI’s 30, and I’m carrying a lot of it in my stomach). No elastic to irritate my new elastic allergy, and in my favorite colors – dark purple and blue-green.

      It’s not quite formal enough for work, but I wore these every day I wasn’t at work from November to June. I put on a second or third layer for winter, but it layers easily. It’s a little too much for high summer, but any weather under 85 degrees and it is my perfect shirt.

    30. HannahS*

      Pomelos, when they were in season. I’ve always enjoyed them, but I went crazy this winter, buying like two a week while they were in season. It was so much fun to introduce my fiancé to them!
      And on the subject of citrus, also a Buddha hand citron. I don’t know why my local grocery store suddenly had them for a few weeks, but I spent an absurd amount of money on two of them. I attempted to candy both of them–one failure, one success–and gave the results to my dad. His mom, who was dying, used to make candied etrog, but since etrogim are grown with lots of pesticides, we’ve never candied one. My parents actually took the little pyrex bowl of candied citron with them to Israel, so that my aunt and uncle could have some too. It was a buttload of work, but so worth it.

      1. Aphrodite*

        The bed fan can actually be placed anywhere next to your bed–the foot, the sides or, I suppose even the head if you pulled it out a bit from the wall (and didn’t have a headboard). It pulls air from the bottom where the mechanics are and upward and then out. When you place the fan at the foot and get it in between the flat and fitted sheets, the air does blow from your feet upward.

        It is powerful so for me I find that low is best. It’s easy to turn the dial up or down on the controller so you can easily adjust it until you find the right place for you. Since I always like some weight on me, even in summer, I use it with a lightweight blanket and my bedspread.

        Your feet will likely be the coldest since the air hits there first, but if you don’t mind feeling a bit silly, and want the fan to be higher, you can always use socks.

        It feels WONDERFUL. You can feel the breeze all around your body though it is heaviest at the point of entry (that is, at the source of the fan). Even after all this time I can’t believe how much better I sleep. (A bonus is turning it on very high during the day to make the flat sheet and bedding “blow up” and amuse the cats.) For me, it became a “need” rather than a “want” because I sleep better and I definitely feel better.

      2. Aphrodite*

        If you put it at the foot of the bed, yes, your feet will be the prime recipient. But it does flow over your entire body as their videos and illustrations show. You can use socks if your feet get uncomfortable.

        I think it might work best if like me you prefer some solidity in your bedding even in summer. The power of this thing is excellent and I never put it on above low unless I want to entertain the cats for a while with “blown up bedding.” You can put it at the side of the bed or, I presume, even at the head if you don’t mind it not being between the sheets and don’t have a headboard. I use it in the middle of the foot of the bed as I sleep alone but it can also be put to one side if there are two and only one person wants to feel it.

    32. My Brain Is Exploding*

      I said this last week, but a couple of books by Katy Bowman. “Dynamic Aging,” which I’ve already sent to a couple of people, and “Move Your DNA.” How to improve your well-being and mobility with easy exercises and lots of natural movement. Applicable to older folks and also to younger people who can learn to change the damaging loads we put on our bodies.

    33. TechWorker*

      1) some culotte trouser things from sweaty Betty – I always felt I was too short and not fashionable enough to wear culottes, but then lockdown hit and I was like ‘fuck it!’. They probably do make me look quite short, but they make me feel super badass and are in some lovely thick jersey type material that hangs really well and is smart enough to wear for work (once I’m back in the office) but feels like wearing warm pyjamas. The dream!

      2) we got kittens this year and anything that makes litter easier helps! Two great purchases on this front:
      modkat top entry litter box – it wasn’t cheap but it’s just so *functional*. It’s really well designed and makes a reassuring click when you open it to clean it. The scoop that came with it is also easy to clean.
      A heavyweight stone (?) bathroom bin to put the litter scoops in. For the first week or two the litter scoops were just being left on the floor and it made me feel so gross every time I saw it there! Now the scoops stand up neatly in the bin and I can soak them in the bin to clean them and it. Hurrah!

      1. Skeeder Jones*

        Have you tried the Litter Genie? That was a game-changer for me, keeps it from smelling and I just replace the bag every couple weeks.

    34. Girasol*

      Tuft and Needle’s basic mattress to replace my old thinner one. I had just bought an Inofia foldable mattress for a folding guest bed. I let it out of its box and it just laid there like a lumpy old quilt for a week until I gave up on it ever expanding into mattress shape. So I wasn’t optimistic when the Tuft and Needle came. But it expanded like *poof!* I should have opened it in the bedroom because it was mattress-sized on the living room floor in two seconds. So I wrestled it into the bedroom and oh, my. It’s true that you can sleep better on a good mattress! So, so nice. Suits my preference for a mattress that’s firm-ish but not hard. (I should mention that my best friend is raving over her new Avocado mattress. That sounds wonderful too but my budget didn’t stretch that far.)

    35. LQ*

      Bamboo sheets. I’ve tried a few sets but hands down the ones I’m in love with are on Overstock and they are called “Rayon from Bamboo 300 Thread Count Sateen Extra Deep Pocket Bed Sheet Set” (can’t link). They are magic. I love them so much. I’ve now bought 4 sets (the first 2 I bought well over a year ago at a much higher price, I’ve been trying to find new ones since and returned all the rest, these are the ones that are the best by far).

    36. Corky's Wife Bonnie*

      A Ninja Foodi. This thing is seriously awesome. It is an air fryer, roaster, pressure cooker, slow cookier, etc. It was especially handy when our oven took a crapper (the stove-top still worked) and the new oven wasn’t coming four weeks. I use it a lot!

    37. Chai life*

      Because we are still living a fairly quarantined existence the only people we see are our (adult) kids, and that is only in the backyard with masks. I bought a sun shade sail thing (can’t recommend enough!), a pop up shade canopy for more socially distanced seating (ok, but not as much shade as the sail), more patio chairs and small tables, and an old style water jug. Makes visiting so much more pleasant to have shade, seating, and no fuss water available.

    38. T. Boone Pickens*

      My blender finally conked out so I spent a few weeks researching new ones. I ended up getting a KitchenAid KSB1570 for ~$80 on Wayfair. It’s fantastic. I strictly use it for pretty dense smoothies and it’s been humming along for a couple months now. It’s also a breeze to clean, which is great. It’s not a Vitamix..but it’s also $200+ less than a Vitamix.

      I can also fully endorse Anker’s bluetooth speakers, multiport USB chargers, mobile USB charger and their nylon USB lighting cords. All pretty inexpensive and they work great. The bluetooth speaker is going on 2 years now and is a great mobile speaker, it’s lightweight and has a silicon case so it’s durable in case you drop it.

      1. My Brain Is Exploding*

        How noisy is it? Does it handle ice out frozen fruit well? Does the base have a rubber gasket and, if so, can you readily get replacements?

    39. Oxford Comma*

      The “ComfiLife Gel Enhanced Seat Cushion.” It has saved my butt. Quite literally. I’ve been dealing with sciatica and it’s been very helpful in relieving that. Even when I’m not working, I like to do things on the computer so I’m on this chair a lot.

    40. Mimosa Jones*

      Face antiperspirant. I don’t have a specific brand to recommend yet, but the concept is awesome. It just makes this whole menopause thing easier to deal with. And mask sweat.

      1. allathian*

        Please post again if you find a brand you’d like to recommend. I’m not menopausal yet but my face sweats a lot, to the point that I very rarely wear makeup anymore. I have sensitive skin and haven’t found any waterproof makeup I’m comfortable with. Or rather, removing it is too much of a chore…

    41. pieforbreakfast*

      Olukai shoes. They’re a Hawaiian company and I first discovered their flip flops, which someone I know calls the “Cadillac of flip flops”, and according to the company are what lifeguards in Hawaii wear. Comfortable, good foot bed and grip. Since then I’ve bought sandals and two pairs of tennis shoes and wear one of them pretty much every day. Their slip-ons and tennis shoes have a drop down heel so they can be worn as a clog, helpful when feet are wet or just needing to put them on to run to the mailbox. And they wash really well!

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        I’m from Hawaii and my partner will only wear Olukai. He wears them to disintegration then gets a new pair.

    42. Roja*

      Honestly, I’ve spent the summer slowly upgrading our food quality. We are fortunate enough to have the money to do it, so I’ve started switching to ethically sourced meat and dairy, and gotten a CSA box. It’s seriously made SUCH a difference in how our food tastes. I never want to go back.

    43. schnauzerfan*

      My Switch Lite and Animal Crossings, New Horizons. I’ve never been a big video gamer, played a few games waay back in the day, Frogger, Robotron, etc., and more recently Tetris and Angry Birds, so yeah, don’t need it wouldn’t use it. But one day I got an alert that Best Buy had a Switch in stock. Figured I could buy one and give it to the niblings if I didn’t enjoy it. (Shhhh, don’t tell them they almost had a Switch!) Here in day 50012 of social distancing it’s been a Godsend.

      1. Black Horse*

        Oh man, I’m loving ACNH. I’ve been playing it with my 15 year old son and it’s been an absolute delight to have “animal time” every day. It’s been a great opportunity for some mom/teen bonding, and it’s so soothing and relaxing. And all I’m doing is watching him play!

    44. Mad Hatter*

      Based on recs from this site, I ordered a bidet attachment in the spring. It’s a Luxe Neo 180 Non-electric bidet attachment and is available on Amazon for under $60. It was easy to install and works great. I’m buying TP and wipes much less often!

      1. A313*

        I’m looking into this. Repeated requests to my husband to install an electrical outlet near the toilet have gone unheeded for years now ;) (He actually is really busy doing so many other things.) My question is, in the winter in a Northern state that gets a real winter, will I be sorry?

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I would always recommend one. I’ve used them in South Asia and Middle east and even in some houses here in the USA and they’re amazing. I bought one from Home depot a few years ago but unfortunately we couldn’t install it in our bathroom as the area was too small and awkward for us to maneuver.

      3. BetsCounts*

        I have the Luxe Neo 120 and I LOVE it. It was only $40, required no electricity and- well it cleans really well. When it eventually breaks I’ll get one with a little fan instead of drip/wiggle drying

    45. Bostonian*

      Definitely a portable phone charger that has a jumper cable adapter so I can jump start my car with it. I don’t drive my car very much, so sometimes the battery dies in the winter if I’m not being so good about taking the car for a weekly spin. It’s pretty small, was about $40-50, and was worth every penny! Saved me from having to wait for AAA so many times!

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I had a car with a dodgy battery and that thing saved my bacon several times that year until I got around to having it replaced. I got them for like EVERYONE for Christmas as a result :-P

        1. Insurance mom*

          I found something similar with a little air compressor and flashlight built in. Will blow up bike tires or lawn mower tires. It was under $100 and I gave to both son-in-laws for Christmas

    46. justabot*

      Wool dryer balls by Friendsheep. There are many good kinds, but these are the ones I tried and loved. My clothes dry so much more fluffy, less wrinkled, softer, and in less time. Totally worth it!

    47. Kara S*

      Cast iron frying pans + cookware. Oh my gosh…. every meal cooks so much better in them and they are way more durable than what I used before.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I just got a cast iron dutch oven from Amazon (my mom wanted them but didn’t like that htey were so heavy so I took one and returned the other). I can’t wait to use it!

    48. PNW Dweller*

      My sister gave me a modkat litter box. It is the one that has a grate on top with a hole in one corner for the cat to climb in and out of. Game changer! Seriously the only litter on the floor is from me when I scoop. I never thought I would write this, but I love this litter box.

    49. Overeducated*

      An electric flyswatter. It looks like a small tennis racket. We’ve been struggling with mosquitoes indoors since last fall and this was the game changer.

    50. Jamboree*

      This lazy susan is the best invention in the history of kitchen organization. This one has removed a bit of the circle footprint of every other lazy susan design so it fits in shallow cabinets but still spins. The mini lazy susan in the middle is just the icing on the genius cake. I am oddly passionate about this but I like my cabinets organized! https://tinyurl.com/y3xy8cny

      1. Apt Nickname*

        I got a double decker pull out spice rack and I’m so happy with the extra room in my cabinet. Organized cupboards forever!

    52. Lena Clare*

      Oh, I bought a small glass jug with American cup measurements, and I cannot live without it. In fact, I don’t know how I’ve managed till this long without it. I didn’t know I needed it I guess!

    53. BetsCounts*

      I got the Oster My Blend 250-Watt Blender with Travel Sport Bottle. I like smoothies but realized I wasn’t making them because I hated cleaning the blender. Then I picked this up. It doesn’t take up as much space, is super dishwasher safe, and works pretty well.
      I also ordered blanket/comforter storage: “Clothing Storage Bags Organizer, Large Capacity Closet Storage Container Box with Reinforced Handle and 2 Sturdy Zipper for Comforters, Blankets, Clothes”. We had been keeping unused comforters/sheets in stacked folding lid crates, but I realized I was reluctant to put the sheets/blankets away because I didn’t like wrestling with a stack of crates just to go digging through them to get/put away the blankets. These also stack but the contents are visible and are easy to go through.
      Finally, if you spend any time on Buzzfeed you’ve probably seen before and after pictures of people who have used the Microplane Colossal Foot File or the Baby Feet Foot Peel. In our house we call the foot file the cheese grater and it WORKS amazingly well. But make sure to sweep up the- remnants and put in the TRASH, not the washing machine with the towels or anything. The Baby Feet Foot Peel does AMAZING work but don’t use the file for at least a week after you’ve worn the peel.

    54. araminta18*

      How does the bfan work with weighted blankets? I’m intrigued, but I use a weighted blanket so not sure if the bfan would work with it…

  3. WoodswomanWrites*

    To my fellow Californians in fire areas, may you all be safe!

    The smoke where I am in the Bay Area is horrible but my location isn’t at risk. There are fires to the north, east, and south but fine where I am. The fires are causing havoc for co-workers and friends, who have evacuated to the north as well as 50-100 miles south. At least one friend likely lost her house, which she found out about by seeing a photo of her driveway on a local website. Fortunately all are safe.

    With my asthma, air filters are my best friends. For those who aren’t familiar with it, the website Purple Air shows local air quality in real time. I’m going to use it this weekend to locate places that are less smoky within driving distance and get some fresh air outdoors. Take care, folks.

    1. California wildfires*

      Thank you for you post. I just posted a few posts down. I live in Sonoma County. The 2017 fires came within a mile of my home. I had to evacuate in 2017 and 2019. I haven’t had to evacuate *yet* this year, but it is going to be a long few months ahead. Sorry to hear about your friend who lost her home. Hope you find some clean air this weekend!

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      Since there’s a more extensive thread below under the heading California Wildfires, we can continue this conversation there instead.

  4. So worried*

    Electronic faxing
    Please share with me, if you know, how safe is electronic faxing? I electronic faxed my personal info a few days ago, then a couple hours later found out on my own that that info was no longer needed from me (only if I had checked my 403b account before faxing).

    On Friday at 8:20 AM, I received an email from B advising that they received the funds check from my previous employer’s 401K account to roll into my current employer’s 403b account but no signed incoming rollover request form attached. So I was asked to fill out the request. Two hours after receiving that email, I emailed B advising that I completed the request 3 months ago via secure DocSign and if B could check if that signed request was still valid for the rollover. No response from B.
    The following week rolled by without any response from B. (In B’s email they said that if I have any questions don’t hesitate to contact them). When the week was almost over, I emailed N whom sent me the request to sign via docsign; N responded back within an hour of receiving my email advising that the request I signed months ago had expired.
    The 2nd week since receiving B’s email was also coming to an end. I decided to fill out the request and fax it as requested.
    Two days after faxing my personal info, I received a letter from my 403b company that my rollover was completed on Monday (3 days after the Friday that I received B’s email).
    I won’t be so worried right now only if I checked my 403b account or at least receive one simple email response from B.

    1. Probably not helpful*

      Recently I needed an EIN Verification Letter from the IRS. After a long wait on hold, I got through to someone and was told that they’re not allowed to email a verification letter or fax one to an E-Fax or any fax machine that is hooked up to the internet or to a personal computer, supposedly because they can be hacked.

      The IRS will send you a faxed verification letter, but it has to be to an old-fashioned stand-alone fax machine, but you have to be physically present by the fax machine when they send and they keep you on the line while they send it until it goes through. That way you can pick it out of the printer before someone steals it or copies it .

      (They will also mail you a letter, but that takes forever.) I think lots of people who request the letter be sent to them by fax lie about their fax machines not being e-faxes. The IRS is probably overly cautious and I would guess that most of the time nothing bad happens. Do you feel lucky?

      1. What the What*

        I’m an accountant and I use an online fax. Because I don’t live in 1999 when it was normal to have a landline and a fax machine.

        It’s as secure as a secure email system a bank might use to send you bank account info.

        I was as an in person IRS audit last year and the agent made me fax her something. I used my E-fax to send it and she didn’t blink. She then logged onto her email and looked at the fax.

        I was like, “Wait a minute! Is that an E-fax? What about all this BS about standing by your fax machine that’s connected to a landline??” She just laughed and said they’d been using E-faxing for years.

      2. Observer*

        Well, the reality is that a standard fax machine is as easily hacked as an e-fax. The ONLY thing that makes their method slightly better is that they stay on the phone with you while they send the fax and have you pick up the piece of paper.

    2. Doc in a Box*

      I am a physician and was 100% telemedicine for about two months. Medicine requires a LOT of faxes. Because I don’t have a fax machine at home (didn’t ever need one before the world shut down!), I signed up for e-fax with Doximity. I actually prefer e-fax to regular fax, because I get a “receipt” and because everyone else was using Doximity e-fax too, I was fairly confident that my message was going directly to the sender rather than sitting on a shared machine in an office for who knows how long. (So basically, email.)

      In the scenario you describe, it sounds more like B is bad at email.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I agree that B was probably bad at email. I have done two rollovers and each time I walked beside the rollover. I sent the paperwork the way the company requested and I used the phone to talk to an actual person also. I am sure I was a nag.

        Just my limited experience but a rollover takes about 3 days to complete. One time I calculated the interest lost while in this 3 day limbo. I will never do that again as it just causes more upset.

        At work we switched from stand-alone fax machine to using email for faxing. (Sorry can’t be more detailed.) I fax multiple times a day at work. Email for faxing seems a tiny bit more reliable but not a significant difference. Again, this is just what I am seeing here. My preference is to send things as an attachment in email, which is not really possible with transferring funds as they want layer upon layer of security. That makes sense, also. I think my financial advisor gave up on his system as older people just can’t jump all the hoops. But people of any age are going to want confirmations, that is just normal stuff in doing business.

    5. Observer*

      Fax is a ridiculously insecure way of communicating altogether. I don’t really understand why it’s still considered acceptable for stuff requiring high security.

      Doing it electronically is not going to make anything worse.

  5. Ask a Manager* Post author

    This week’s questions for the crocheters:

    1. I am about two-thirds done with my first scarf and so far really happy with it! (But I see now why people told me last week I’d get bored if I only ever used one stitch.) Anyway, is it generally a good idea to block scarves when you’re done, or is that unnecessary?

    2. I’m very intrigued by this blanket, which is just four Scarfie scarves sewn together:
    https://www.joann.com/how-to-crochet-a-scarfie-duo-tone-throw/4479518P113.html

    Once you have the four scarves done, the instructions just say, “Sew long sides of strips together to make throw.” What … does that mean? Sew with a needle and thread? Somehow crochet them together? I can’t figure out how to interpret this.

    3. Ombre yarn! I don’t think I want to ever use anything else.

    1. Not Australian*

      I’ve been crocheting for years; I’ve tried sewing things together and I’ve tried crocheting – and frankly the latter is a far better option. (It’s also easier to take out if you need to.) Just line up the two items to be joined and pin them with pins at right-angles to the seam. You should find that individual stitches on each piece match up, and you can therefore put the hook through both layers and just do a simple through-and-back single stitch all the way across. It leaves a ridge, but that’s never bothered me … and personally I’d always prefer to have the ridge on the ‘right’ side because what you get on the reverse is just a series of straight lines which are not very interesting – and look terrible in contrast or random-dye yarn.

      I wouldn’t ‘block’ anything myself unless the item had got seriously out of shape during the manufacturing, but then I very rarely block knitting either – I just don’t like how it looks, and you can’t undo it. As an alternative, you could try handwashing the item and drying it flat afterwards.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        All of that pretty much, except that I do block knitted lace because you pretty much have to.

        (I really like Lion Brand’s Mandala yarn for color changing.)

    2. It’s me AV*

      1. It depends a little what yarn you’re using – if it’s an acrylic then don’t worry about it, if it’s wool/wool blend it can help to set the stitches in place and help edges lay flat, but for me blocking makes less of an impact with crochet than knitting anyway.

      2. Yes they mean sewing with a needle – a yarn needle that has a big eye and more of the same yarn you’ve been using for the strips. You’ll line up the stitches at the edges of the strips and then put the needle through one loop from each side. There would be a way to crochet it together but that could create a ridge, so a different effect.

      3. Ombré yarn, so fun!

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I was ready to finish something during initial stay-at-home this spring. My clever husband made one for me out of the wire from a Chinese takeout box:
        Snip, fold, solder, sand.

    3. Wormentude*

      I did a big reply and seem to have lost it so will try again…

      There are loads of joining methods. I prefer whip stitch as it looks nearly seamless and is flat. Crochet joins tend to stick up above the work and don’t look as neat in my opinion. Will reply to this with a link showing 7 methods so you can see the variation.

      By the time I’ve finished a piece, I think it’s nice to wash it as it has been handled so much. Once it’s wet, it’s little extra effort to block. For acrylic, I’ll lay it out somewhere flat (spare bed on a towel) and reshape with my hands to make sure it’s neat then leave it to dry. Natural fibres need firmer handling and probably pinning on mats. I’ll post a link to some advice on that too.

    4. possum whisperer*

      On question 2
      I think my mom sews the parts together with a really big needle made for yarn.She’ll make a buttload of multicolored squares and after I stack them in the order they go together (cuz she cant see) she busts out with the big needle and ends up with an afgan or throw or whatever she’s making.

        1. Crafty Crafter*

          For sewing with yarn, it’s a tapestry needle. A bodkin is to pull elastic, ribbon through a casing when you’re sewing fabric. No pointy end. At least in the US. Maybe different elsewhere?

    5. Hotdog not dog*

      Ombre yarn is awesome! The only thing I love more is spatter or tie dyed yarn. It’s fun to watch the colors move through your hands and see what kind of pattern it turns into! I almost never block projects, but I always wash them. There are tons of you tube videos to show you how to sew pieces together. It’s not difficult but can be dull. You’re going to post a picture of your finished scarf, I hope!

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I very seldom block things. Part of that is laziness. But if the item seems to be squared up the way it should be, I don’t worry about it. If the items is wool, then yes, I will block it out.

      There are things that I am careful about how I hang them up to dry. Some stuff I lay out on a towel, say across the dryer or other surface that won’t be damaged by dampness. And I make sure the item is not wrinkly by finger tip pressing the “bad” spots.

      Other folks may have found exceptions but generally I tend to think that when they say to sew crocheted things together they mean use that same yarn and use a yarn needle. This is a needle that is the same idea as a regular sewing needle but it is large (about 3″ or so), it can be plastic and the eye is big enough to accommodate the yarn without shredding it and without driving the sewist nuts in trying to push the yarn through the eye. Most sewing/yarn places have yarn needles for sewing.

    7. CraftyCrafter*

      1. No need to block a scarf–it’s just going around your neck. (Future project: Infinity scarf! Stylish, cozy, and the lack of ends means there’s nothing to give away any unevenness, so very forgiving!)

      2a. I, too, would sew this particular project with yarn, but with a mattress stitch to keep the seams as flat as possible. There are several different methods, so you might want to try out a couple on small scrap swatches to see which you like best.

      2ab If you ever do a blanket with smaller pieces (as opposed to strips), that would be an opportunity to explore crochet joins, which become design elements.

      2c. This pattern is a bit loosey-goosey. If you crochet five strips “about” 56″ each, you will end up with an uneven blanket. I’m a bit of a perfectionist, but I would do one strip to the length you want, then count the number of rows and replicate. HDC rows are pretty easy to count after the fact. At the very least, do one strip, then measure the others against it. When you’ve sewn them together, as others suggested, you can wash it and dry flat, tugging it into shape here and there while it’s damp, if you want.

      3. Ombre yarn is lovely, right? You get color interest without having to mess with joining a bunch of different yarns.

      2. CraftyCrafter*

        It doesn’t seem to want to post my reply, maybe because of a URL, so this is a workaround.

        Here’s a resource for sewing crochet pieces together. You can definitely find videos, too, of course.

        Go to yarnspirations dot com and search for “methods for seaming crochet”. The article shows several different options.

    8. Jenny*

      I wouldn’t make the scarf throw because of the amount of sewing. But sewing is my least favorite part of crochet.

    9. Parenthetically*

      My mother NEVER blocks and the only things it’s made a difference on are the fingerless gloves she made me once — the edges just wouldn’t lay down until I blocked them myself.

    10. Anonbeth*

      I love this! I wouldn’t bother with blocking a scarf unless it’s lace. Blocking acrylic is a fuss anyway.

      Unsolicited advice: if you like the idea of the scarf afghan but are tired of one stitch, you could do each scarf in a different crochet pattern and have a sampler afghan vibe.

      Third, have you heard about Ravelry? It has a huge (huge! Hundreds of thousands) pattern depository with a ton of filter and search options. (The site did a redesign recently that wasn’t handled very well, and that’s a much different conversation. But it’s still the best place for patterns!)

    11. Feline Fine*

      1. Blocking really adds definition to your work. Some stitches/patterns require it more than others. Whether or not you choose to do it, is up to you.
      2. You should sew with the yarn that you made it with. My trick is to leave really long tails at the beginning and end so I can use those.
      3. Love it too!

  6. Well...*

    Removed because this thread is no work, no school. Please post it on the next Friday work thread!

  7. California wildfires*

    Anyone else dealing with the wildfires in CA? My county is dealing with huge wildfires for the third year out of four (3 of 4 years). It is so early for the fire season to start this year — this winter there was only half the rain we typically have.
    No fatalities in my county yet this year, but in neighboring counties there have been. There is smoke in the air, constant sirens, and planes and helicopters; it is all so triggering. I hope to live elsewhere by this time next year.
    Not to mention the difficulty of dealing with wildfires and evacuations in the middle of a pandemic. I never thought I’d find myself reading an Emergency Preparedness email entitled “How to Prepare for COVID-19 in the Event of an Evacuation.” I’d hoped our county would be spared this year. Ugh.

    1. Aphrodite*

      No, thank god. I’m in Santa Barbara and while the smoke is thick we are still safe. Hugs and best wishes to my fellow Californians. Stay safe in all ways and from all things.

    2. California wildfires*

      I forgot to mention, the other 2 years I had to evacuate, but this year I haven’t had to evacuate (yet). Hoping it stays that way, but it’s going to be a long few months ahead.

      1. Elizabeth Bennett*

        I’m in Sonoma County, too (saw you’re post upthread) and was also evacuated the last two times, and not yet this time. It is very triggering. I am so so tired.

        2. California wildfires*

          Hello neighbor! Sorry to hear you are going through this too. So much ash and smoke today, more than yesterday! Hoping that NEITHER of us to evacuate this year, but I already know of one colleague who has lost their home this year. It’s such a conflicted feeling to feel relieved that it’s not me this time, when I know others are suffering, but I just am so emotionally tapped out. :(

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      I posted a thread above, including my comment here as well in case it’s confusing with two threads.

      To my fellow Californians in fire areas, may you all be safe!

      The smoke where I am in the Bay Area is horrible but my location isn’t at risk. There are fires to the north, east, and south but fine where I am. The fires are causing havoc for co-workers and friends, who have evacuated to the north as well as 50-100 miles south. At least one friend likely lost her house, which she found out about by seeing a photo of her driveway on a local website. Fortunately all are safe.

      With my asthma, air filters are my best friends. For those who aren’t familiar with it, the website Purple Air shows local air quality in real time. I’m going to use it this weekend to locate places that are less smoky within driving distance and get some fresh air outdoors. Take care, folks.

      1. Amy*

        We’re really hoping to find a place with clean air to get outside this weekend, too. Last year when the fires got bad we headed north to stay with family but with COVID going on that’s not an option for us. And I keep seeing posts from people on the coast asking tourists to stay away this weekend because the traffic clogs up the roads, which need to stay clear for evacuees and emergency vehicles headed to the burn areas. Being cooped up in the house trying to stay out of the smoke is awful but we don’t want to become part of the problem. Ugh! Fingers crossed we can figure something out.

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          This is all so strange. In normal times, I would spend a couple hours in an air-conditioned movie theater or library as an escape, but the virus has nixed that option. I am definitely staying away from areas where first responders need the roads to be clear. Through yesterday, there were inland places just a few miles away where the air was clear and I was planning to to wander around nearby urban neighborhoods today. But now even those areas are filled with thick smoke. Even with my air filters going in my place, from exposure yesterday, my lungs hurt today. I can’t imagine how difficult it is for those with breathing problems who don’t have access to any tools at all.

    4. WoodswomanWrites*

      Crazy times. I saw from your post above that you’re in Sonoma County, the epicenter of ugly fires the last few years. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this again, and thanks for your kind note to my other thread above about my friend losing her home.

      Your comment about living elsewhere rings true. I can’t imagine that with climate change and the trend of more heat and less rain that people are going to want to continue living here long-term. I’m in my 60s and thinking about where I want to retire looking forward a few years. As an asthmatic, for the last few fire seasons I’ve been observing maps of California, Oregon, and Washington and seeing where the air quality is best for when I retire. It’s all about heading north and being on the coast. And it’s certainly cheaper, at least now. Fortunately, I love the Pacific Northwest, spend lots of time camping there, and have friends in multiple places.

      The COVID-19 and wildfire season combo is just surreal.

      1. California wildfires*

        Thank you for your kind words. We are also dealing with an imminent death in the family (on home hospice for cancer) and had a death in the family (also cancer) a few weeks before COVID. It’s been a trying time! I am from the Midwest, and all my family is there, so I’m thinking of heading back there. I love the Pacific Northwest, but I love my hometown too (for very different reasons), and living there I’d be near one set of parents and within a day’s drive of all my family.
        Wishing you the best with your plans for the future.

        2. NoLongerYoung*

          My condolences! I’m east bay. And yes. I hear you on the urge to return to home state….between the aging midwestern parent, the covid sheltering, the air quality (last year was worse.for me, I did get a window AC because of work from home, with an old bungalow..
          I and the laptop were malfunctioning in the heat). But all factors together….moving is looking tempting.
          My heart goes out that you have the hospice/impending end on top of it all….hug.

    5. Amy*

      I’m so sorry. We are also in a county that is heavily impacted – one of the biggest fires is currently ongoing in our county, about a 20-minute drive from us. We are not currently under evacuation orders but we have our bags packed just in case and the smoke is terrible here. That said, we are some of the fortunate ones. I have friends who have evacuated and I am just devastated on behalf of all who have lost their homes. We are doing our best to help out by donating clothes and food.

      I am not from California and though we have lived in the state for about ten years it is no secret that I want to leave. I like our town but I hate the yearly wildfires and I fear for what the smoke exposure is doing to our family’s long-term health. I also hate that everything outside is yellow, bone-dry and crunchy about 8 months out of the year. It not only makes it a wildfire hotspot, it’s just ugly and depressing. I miss the lush greenery of where I grew up. Unfortunately we’re tied down here for at least a few more years due to our work situation. I feel awful for those who have grown up here seeing climate change turn their hometowns into an apocalyptic scene. One of our neighbors is in her 90’s and has lived here all her life and said it was never like this when she was younger.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        This is all so strange. In normal times, I would spend a couple hours in an air-conditioned movie theater or library as an escape, but the virus has nixed that option. I am definitely staying away from areas where first responders need the roads to be clear. Through yesterday, there were inland places just a few miles away where the air was clear and I was planning to to wander around nearby urban neighborhoods today. But now even those areas are filled with thick smoke. From exposure yesterday, my lungs hurt today.

        I learned today that the facility for a wonderful nonprofit on the coast was destroyed. It’s weird when the levels of disaster are so multi-layered that it becomes this comparison of which horrible impact is less awful than the one experienced by someone else.

    6. KR*

      I’m in the Mojave desert. The air quality has been horrible since the Apple Fire started, and now that all the others have ramped up with the Dome Fire as well.. it’s bad. The air is usually pretty clear up here with the exception of some haze and light smog, and for the past week it’s looked like it’s foggy the air is so bad. I’m so sad thinking of the Dome fire and how much of the national preserve has been burned. It’s a beautifully remote, wild, dangerous place and I do care for it. Well wishes to fellow AAMers in CA.

    7. Filosofickle*

      We live in the East Bay and happened to be on a vacation south of Santa Cruz when the fires got going. Ugh. We decided to stay, limiting plans due to the AQ. (The point wasn’t to sightsee anyway. It was to be on the beach for a few days instead of the walls we’ve been staring at for 5 months.)

      Seeing all the pleas from Santa Cruz County (and San Mateo county) not to come to the coast and clog up the roads made me feel guilty. But we were already there. Then, coming back yesterday, our car died in the middle of nowhere and hours later when we finally got a tow — they were tied up with evacuations — it was too late in the day to get parts. So we spent the night in Gilroy. I really hope we didn’t take a room from an evacuee. The CZU zone is so very bad.

      Hopefully the car will be fixed and we’ll get home today. I’m concerned about what we’ll find there — while there’s no evacuation threat it will be smoky and hot. It’s even worse where my parents live, but at least they have A/C! The hotel was actually a blessing, since the AQ and the A/C were great here last night. Having access to the outdoors is what’s kept us sane all these months. Losing that is a blow. I’ve managed to go 5 months of SIP just fine, but during the fire season two years ago it only took 3 weeks before the cabin fever clobbered me.

      Both our families and elderly parents live in the Bay Area. We aren’t moving away. Tho we are hoping to move homes, to one with A/C. We have to figure out ways to better prepare & ride this out because it’s going to keep happening.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Hope you get home safely. I’m not moving anytime soon. My mom in her 90s is here and I can’t afford to leave my job until I retire.

        It’s the lack of air conditioning that’s getting me, too. Fires in the past started later in the year when it wasn’t so warm. You’ve given me the idea to invest in a portable air conditioner, which I hadn’t thought of. They aren’t cheap, but this wildfire pattern is here to stay and as long as I’m here, I think it’s essential. Thanks for your suggestion that will help my health!

        1. Filosofickle*

          We made it home! Yay! What a weird week.

          Two summers ago I bought a window A/C unit for our bedroom. It’s noisy and can only do so much without insulated walls, but when it was 100 out it brought the room down to 80-85 and it felt very cold sitting in front of it. When it’s bad, which isn’t too often, I just camp out in that room. $150 well spent! Don’t know how good its air filtration is, though.

    8. Chaordic One*

      I’m several thousand miles away to the east of the fires and we’re getting the smoke from the fires blowing our way. Although it is a sunny day, the sky to the west (the direction to the fires) is gray with smoke and the air is hazy. You can see the haze in front of distant hills or buildings that might be a half mile away. My asthma seems to be acting up and I checked the state website and see that air quality has risen to Orange (Unhealthy for Sensitive Groups). I’ve been surprised to see so many people out walking their dogs. Most of the people are wearing face masks and I suppose it is not just because of COVID, but also because of the air pollution.

    9. OperaArt*

      I’m in Alameda county, but not near any of the existing fires. My city area had 6 vegetation fires in 90 minutes early last Sunday morning from lightning, but all were extinguished by the end of the day.
      The smoke has been thick for days. I’m very fortunate—no power outages, my A/C kept working during the 105+ degree F heatwave, and I am telecommuting because of COVID-19 so I’m not outside much.

    10. Elizabeth West*

      *Hugs* and good vibes for the safety and health of all of you. I would gladly trade you some clean air and rain from Trumplandia if I could.
      (I know CA is on fire but I still miss it so, so much.)

    11. Starling*

      My family was evacuated from the CZU fire. I’m so tired and so sad from just… not knowing what will happen. I’d like to make contingency plans, but there’s no way to predict what the outcome will be. I’m trying to be in the moment, but I love our house and am sad. All family are safe though, so I’m tying to keep perspective.

      1. California wildfires*

        I’m so sorry! It is so stressful to be evacuated — watching the fire perimeter and waiting for the 2x daily CalFire updates –all the uncertainty. I just realized that the LNU evacs are creeping a little closer than I thought, and it’s stressful — I don’t want to keep going through this every year, and didn’t anticipate this when I moved here 6 years ago. I’m not planning to be here more than another year or two, which isn’t only due to the fires but that is a BIG part of it.
        If it is any comfort, it WILL be okay. I know many people who lost their homes in 2017, and they are okay! But I am hoping for the best for you and your family, and that you get to go back home…soon. Sending lots of good internet vibes.

        1. Starling*

          Thank you! Yes, it will all be ok in the end. Who know what new adventure awaits us ( at least I got most of my wine cellar evacuated – haha!)

          2. California wildfires*

            Good call on the wine cellar — priorities! Sounds like you had a decent amount of prep time for your evacuation, which makes a big difference!

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I remember when this was originally published after the 2017 Sonoma County fires. I didn’t realize he extended into a full graphic memoir. I will check it out.

        1. California wildfires*

          Yes, highly recommended! His ability to convey emotion through his drawings and through simple dialogue is unlike anything I’ve every seen.

    14. PollyQ*

      I’m in San Mateo county, fortunately not near the CZU fire. (Someone posted video on Twitter of a smaller fire off 280 near Millbrae yesterday though, which is pretty near me.) I realized last year that severe wildfires that cause huge damage and spread unhealthy levels of smoke throughout the Bay Area are our new normal, and it’s horrible. I’m not ready to move out of CA, but boy howdy, this situation makes it a much less appealing place to live overall.

    15. WoodswomanWrites*

      In case anyone is interested, I added a post to my blog today with photos from a trip to the beach when there was a window of fresh air. The sky looked surreal in the smoke. The link appears to have triggered moderation. You can find the blog at WoodswomanWrites DOT com and name of the post is Fire and Fog on the California Coast.

    16. natter*

      I’m in San Jose. No evacuations in the city yet, knock on wood. But the smoke situation is pretty awful, and I don’t know how I’m going to sleep tonight with the knowledge that we could get more dry lightning overnight. It feels like we are just barely going to get through this as things stand; if more fires are sparked…ugh.

      I love it here so much, but this is really hard. Especially given the COVID situation. By and large, indoor stuff still isn’t open here, so outdoor activities have been our saving grace. Now, thanks to the smoke, we can’t even go for a walk or bike ride! Which is the one thing we could do! It’s not great for the old mental health. (And still, we’re doing better than those who had to evacuate!)

      Everyone we know thinks we’re certified morons for living here, and it’s hard to argue with them this week. We’re paying for some of the most expensive real estate in the country – even though our jobs have gone remote for the foreseeable future – and getting choked on smoke at the same time? Where’s the sense in that? Our families live far away, so it’s not like they’re keeping us here.

      But I’ve made friends here, and I love my co-workers when it’s not a pandemic and I can actually see them, and this is actually a wonderful place to raise children if (and it’s a big “if”) you can afford it. I thought we’d found the place we were going to stay until the kids finish high school, anyway…but each year of fires makes that feel like less of a good plan…

  8. Princess Deviant*

    I just wanted to say that yesterday I officially got my diagnosis and I’m autistic. I knew I was, and got told it unofficially but yesterday I got the piece of paper to prove it.

    I’m feeling wiped out now, I’ve been crying a lot, and am relieved. I feel like I’m coming down with an awful sore throat, which is a kind of typical-for-me symptom of ‘not being heard’, except now of course I’m getting my ‘voice’ back.

    Thanks so much to the commentariat here, who gave me advice about it – especially nep. I doubt I would have gone to get assessed if it wasn’t for people telling me their experiences here and I’m grateful for that.

    So what are you grateful for this weekend?

    1. Not Australian*

      I’m going to say ‘congratulations’ – which may seem odd, but TBH just putting a name to any problem is so important that I think it’s appropriate. Once you have identified the enemy, you can deal with it!

      1. Director of Alpaca Exams*

        Being autistic isn’t necessarily “the enemy”—there are a lot of things about it that I love, now that I understand what they are and how to make use of them. Hyperfocus is wonderfully productive, stimming feels good, and there’s nothing like being able to speak my mind in the company of other autistic people who won’t find me confusing or awkward. We’re not broken, we’re just different from allistic people.

        3. WoodswomanWrites*

          On behalf of my young autistic relatives, thank you so much for this wonderful comment.

      2. Princess Deviant*

        Thank you, that is kind :-)
        I will agree with the other posters above that being autistic isn’t the enemy for me – it is me. But I get what you’re saying. I just struggle in some areas and now I know why, and with a diagnosis I can get help where I need it.

    2. Director of Alpaca Exams*

      That’s wonderful. Congratulations!

      I’m grateful for the community that came together for saying farewell to a departed friend this week.

    3. Jessie*

      My five year old is ASD. It was sad but also a relief to get a diagnosis. Once you know what you have, it is easier to understand yourself and understand your behavior in the correct context. I’m sorry you have to wait so long.

    4. Arya Parya*

      Congrats! I got diagnosed a year ago. I can’t say my life got easier, but I do now know my limits better, which helps.

      I’m grateful that the heat wave is finally over and I can sleep again. Because getting enough sleep is very important to me. Without enough sleep I get overstimulated a lot faster.

    6. The Other Dawn*

      Congrats! It’s always a relief when we can put a name to an issue.

      I’m grateful for my husband, who is very handy. I have no idea where he gets it from (definitely not his dad), but he’s the kind of guy who can read a book or watch a YouTube video and then go and rewire all the electricity. It amazes me. At the moment he is converting a small bedroom (8′ x 10′) into an office for me now that my department is permanently working from home. Our house was built in 1735, so this “small” project is becoming quite big: tracing wires that seem to go nowhere, some of which test as live in the ceiling, but dead in the attic above; adding outlets (it has only one!); pulling up four layers of flooring to reveal the original 12-inch+ wide planks (one area was butchered and he found a huge hornet nest under it); pulling down five layers of wall (yes, FIVE layers) to expose the original 12-inch+ wide wood planks, which still have bark on them, and original 1700s plaster on another wall; and then pulling down the ceiling tiles to expose a very damaged, moldy ceiling. He’s been able to figure out every problem he’s encountered and it’s amazing to watch his process of figuring things out.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          We did! I’ll post on my blog at some point, though I’ll probably wait until the room is done.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      A friend of mine received a diagnosis- different from this. She was happy and crying at the same time. I asked her why she was happy. She said, “I knew I was different from others and I don’t fit in. I didn’t know why. Now I know why and I know to handle things differently.” I ended up crying before she was done explaining. She found parts of herself and she could stop wondering, why-why-why.
      Congratulations on taking back your life and your ability to control how life goes for you.

      1. NeonFireworks*

        This happened to me twice in the last year. I spent so many years wondering why everyone else seemed to be able to manage X and Y so easily. Medicine stepped in: my body does X badly, and my brain hardly does Y at all. And for all this time, I thought I needed to work on my psychological resilience!

    8. Nervous Nellie*

      Congrats, Princess Deviant! I think knowing more about who you are is a wonderful gift. You are under no obligation to explain yourself, or to feel labelled. Autism does not define you! And truly, it is a wonderfully different way of seeing the world in so many ways. I am delighted for you that you have some answers – that is always empowering.

      What am I grateful for? Well, first, for nep, who regularly mentions things I immediately want to research and explore more about. A fine advisor, nep is!!

      And I am also grateful for this super forum, which has both improved my work savvy and given me great personal advice and a window into the lives and minds of the commenters here. I am so excited for you that you are getting your voice back, but do know that you are always heard here.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Ah that us such a lovely comment, thank you so much. I am truly very touched! Nep is indeed a fine adviser :-)

      2. Mimmy*

        Nep is pretty awesome – I remember her encouraging me as I was preparing to attend my very first out-of-state conference two years ago.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, nep, you mention stuff and I google… A LOT. I may not comment, but I do race off to see what you have found. ;)

    9. Princess Deviant*

      Thank you all so much for your lovely replies, you are very kind. I feel less alone when I come in here and chat to others. It is such a nice space!

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I know my ADD diagnosis helped me — may yours give you as much self-understanding!
      I’m grateful that my 13yo is on a mission to purge her outgrown things and “be cleaner than the parents”… she has even started washing & folding things to take to the consignment store!

    11. nep*

      Thanks, all, for the very kind comments. Wow. I am so, so grateful for AAM and this smart, compassionate group of people here. Alison really created something special with this weekend gathering.
      Peace and best of health.

    12. Mimmy*

      You sound relieved and that is wonderful. I too suspect that I may have some autistic traits (which are probably secondary to my congenital condition, which is relatively rare) but am wary about getting formally assessed. It’s been so tempting though because finally understanding my difficulties and getting my voice heard sounds so freeing. I’ll have to go check out your thread from last week.

      2. Princess Deviant*

        Thank you, I am. The discussion wasn’t last week, it was originally last year. You can find the link if you search for weekend-free-for-all-april-6-7-2019 on this site and then Ctrl F Princess Deviant. it should take you there :-)
        There was loads of good advice. I also forgot to thank Awful Annie and Tau – so big thank you to them if they are reading,

    13. lazy intellectual*

      Virtual hugs (if you’re into that). I got diagnosed with ADHD yesterday and I’m still processing it. I think it’s a step in the right direction. I’ve also wondered if I have ASD as well, but it’s possible my ADHD explains a lot of my symptoms.

      Best of luck to you!

    14. allathian*

      I’m happy for you! I think it’s always an advantage to know yourself better. I hope it will help you advocate for your needs in the future.

      1. allathian*

        I’m grateful for my husband, who is my soulmate and a true partner. I’m grateful to this blog for giving me the opportunity to grow and learn and realize that I’m very privileged in many ways.

    15. AnonyGirl*

      If I can ask-where did you go to get assessed? I have had people suggest that I may be on the spectrum, but I dont even know where to begin or who to talk to. All I see in my area is geared towards children.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        I’m in the UK. I went to my GP with details of how I was experiencing difficulties in each of the triad of impairments (communication, social interaction, and repetitive behaviours), and my GP used this to write a referral to the ASD assessing department. I looked up the AS-10 before I went, which was helpful too because they asked me to fill it in. I found some of the questions very geared towards men, so it was also helpful to me to read how women experience it; I read Women and Girls with Autism Spectrum Disorder by Sarah Hendrickx which was formative in helping me describe how the characteristics were specific to me as a woman afab.

        I waited a long time for an appointment. Before I went I was asked to fill in a lengthy questionnaire about childhood behaviours which I had to get my mum to help me fill in. This was honestly the hardest thing because my mum doesn’t think I’m autistic.

        That was followed by an interview a few months later with a psychiatrist and an autism specialist nurse. Usually you would go with a family member and they would interview each of you in turn, but I told them I was going on my own so they interviewed me jointly.

        They told me there unofficially that I was autistic, but I had to wait for the report, go over it for errors, send any corrections back then have a follow up assessment to discuss reasonable accommodations before I got an official diagnosis, which was on Friday. The whole process took approx 18 months. I think it would have been slightly less, say 12 months, if, you know, Covid-19 hadn’t happened. But, still, it was a time.

        I’m glad I can now use the diagnosis to get support in work and at uni. My family are still my family, having a diagnosis has not made any difference whatsoever to the way they see me or treat me, which is good on the one hand.

        Good luck!

    16. KoiFeeder*

      Congratulations on your official autism license! Having that little piece of hard evidence in your hands means so much to so many autistic people, I’m glad you’ve gotten yours after all this fuss and hard work.

      Fair warning that actually making a laminated “autism license” and keeping it in your wallet severely annoys the allistics. Not sure why, I know I’m hilarious.

        1. Princess Deviant*

          Oh bummer, I just got an email saying they are not taking physical orders due the pandemic right now. Will have to wait.

          1. KoiFeeder*

            Wait, you can buy them? I made my own with the school’s laminating machine.

            Other people have the same sense of humor as me! A miracle!

            1. Princess Deviant*

              Yes, evidently we do :), and you can download it for free from the National Autism Society’s online shop (I don’t have a printer, hence I tried to order it).

  9. Relocating during pandemic?*

    Selling house?

    TL;DR – what cons should we be thinking of when maybe making a major relocation?

    We are considering a move. We moved to this house when our oldest was ready for kindergarten. This was the cheapest house in the neighborhood, and we selected it because we could actually afford it and not because we loved it. The school district is small, highly desired and defined by the neighborhood boundaries. It’s a half acre nicely wooded lot with some very tall fir trees, 1920s era house and we’ve done a lot over the years to make the place better. Wrap around porch installed, fir double hung windows with true divided light added to replace existing windows and pretty much every major system has been replaced.

    That being said, there is still a lot to do. I mean, a lot. It looks nice and shows nice but there are quite a few things I’d like to do in the next 10 years.

    And it’s kinda overwhelming. Dh just finished a drainage project on the back patio and it made me really look at the patio and wish it were concrete instead of very charming cobblestones (like original cobbles used in streets way back when). Cute but try to put a table and chairs on it? Wobbly because those cobbles aren’t uniform.

    On Sunday, we got up, looked at each other and said, let’s go look at a house instead of biking! Yeah, really. Dh had already shown it to me and I’d brushed it off a few weeks ago. Obv it was still in our brains because within the hour I was arranging for an afternoon viewing.

    It’s well outside of our metro area. We were already at the edge of the big city, outside of city limits but still have an address that suggests we live in the city. The potential new house is 1.5 hours away in the foothills of the coast.

    Much newer house, actually bigger which is weird but it’s also mostly on 1 level (except the bonus room that would be an office). 5 acre parcel with small orchard, big garden (I’m a gardener), huge greenhouse (big dream come true), she shed (claimed!) and really big shop (2 stories tall, could park a bunch of motorhomes or cars in there). Just pluses all over the place. Nice finishes throughout. Perfectly landscaped and hardscaped. Even has a chicken coop, even if it’s woefully undersized for my current flock. Checks all the boxes in terms of aging in place and ease of maintenance.

    I met with our realtor and she gave us a figure that imo is awesome but in dh’s opinion is $50k shy. There is zero inventory in our price point currently in the neighborhood – everything else is much more expensive. Either way, it’s much more than the coast house would cost. And our mortgage is already small. I started the loan process today, just in case.

    We are both full time remote. Our kids are in college (one sr year and one just started grad school) and neither is likely to end up back home. Only one costs me money on a monthly basis and that’s because we pay his rent.

    It just feels weird in this pandemic to isolate even more. I have one really good friend that is moving about a half hour away and being on the coast we assume that we’d get a steady stream of visitors (is that a pro or a con?) What else should be in our “con” column?

    1. Cards fan*

      Be sure to check the reliability of available internet service in a remote area, especially if you need it for work. Otherwise, it sounds awesome!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        And cells.
        Cells do not work where I live and it is a pain in the butt to keep explaining that. People don’t usually understand the sentence, “Cells don’t work here.”, so you end up saying it five times to be heard once.

        1. Relocating during pandemic?*

          Good point! Cells don’t work at our current house unless people are connected to the WiFi. Since we both do multiple conference calls a day, that’s very tied into the ability to get internet up there.

          I know the cable comes from the phone company, so at least there would be a land line backup.

      2. Relocating during pandemic?*

        Very good points made by all so far!

        Yes, they use internet. They say it’s strong. We noted two locked wifi networks while we were in the driveway, one quite strong. Obviously that’s a huge concern for us, so we will have to check it out further.

    2. Lizard*

      I guess you probably would have mentioned it, but any medical needs? Eg needing regular appointments with specialists, etc. How far away are the nearest GPs, dentists, or hospitals?

      In any case, it sounds like a lovely house!

      1. Relocating during pandemic?*

        So far we are just at the point in our lives where we need annual visits to care providers. My work insurance covers us statewide and there are providers within 20 minutes in two directions.

        There is a hospital about 20 minutes away, but the nearest level 1 hospital is an hour away. It’s probably not as available as where we currently live.

    3. Ranon*

      5 acres is a lot more work than 1/2 acre. Does being outside the city also mean being far from the nearest airport? If there are places you intend to fly to (later, presumably) that can really tack on some travel time. If you’re traveling infrequently that’s presumably not a huge deal.

      That being said, if doing outside work is part of your leisure activities, go for it- my parents were in a similar spot to yours about a decade ago and they’re still thrilled to be out in a spot with some land and loads of out buildings, my stepmom is swimming in produce, my dad has completely redone his shop, and even though they don’t have many neighbors they’re quite friendly with the ones nearby.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Debbie downer here. Five acres is A LOT of work. How far away is the rescue squad/fire company/police?
        I assume you will have a septic and a well. What condition are they in?
        Are you able to subdivide? For example, let’s say 15 years from now you want less responsibility, do zoning laws allow you to sell off a part of your property? I am asking this because in my area 5 acres is kind of a flag warning that subdivisions may NOT be allowed.
        The house does sound wonderful, but why are the owners moving? This is always an interesting question to ask.
        Taxes. Of course, always taxes. Make a list, using paper and pencil. Here I have village, town and county. Then there is school and library. And I have water bills. Wait, we haven’t even started on all the other taxes not related to property.
        How are you at country living? I mean real country living. Does the thought of a bear or a coyote rattle your mind? (Some of us who live here are rattled by this stuff.)
        One thing I see here over and over is the LACK of people to call for help with plumbing, heating and such. There’s not a wide variety of choices and that can bother some people. I am 45 minutes from the nearest mall, 30 minutes from the nearest grocery store. There is one gas station in town. If we lose power in our area there is no way to fuel up without going at least 10 miles from here. Because of the lack of help, it’s good to be handy around the house. Are you guys gated toward being handy?

        1. Relocating during pandemic?*

          Pretty much everything is 20 minutes away, but good point to check the local fire district! The yard is pretty good from a wildfire perspective- the tree line rings the property but other than the orchard there aren’t but two trees near the house.

          We would save at least $4k/year in taxes. The metro area we are in is quite high in taxes although our current home is somewhat softened by local taxes because we are in an unincorporated area of the county. Same with the potential new house, so a lot of the taxes tend to be county level, and no city level ones.

          We are 20 minutes outside of two towns, one that has a respectable population. There is a third town 30 minutes away, so I’m not horribly concerned.

          We are handy, having served as the overall contractor for alll of our home improvement projects. We have pretty much every tool known to man and woman alike, and I buy a fair amount of them. The house is only 16 years old so my biggest concern is the roof. Good points on the availability of tradespeople!

          The house uses radiant heating that isn’t electric based so I’m ok with losing power. I’d be surprised if they didn’t have a generator but that’s something to think of. Solar is likely an option, and I could totally see a solar installation in the lower field being a possibility.

          1. Relocating during pandemic?*

            Forgot to mention that we are used to coyotes and the occasional odd bobcat so I’m not worried about wildlife in general. Not a bear area.

            Good things to think about!

          2. Sam I Am*

            I have propane hot water that heats the house, but the pump won’t work with the electric down. I got a small generator for this purpose.. it’s large enough for heat, fridge, and wifi. If your radiant pump is electric (the pumps often just plug into the wall) you may be able to do some sort of battery bypass is you don’t want to go the generator route.
            Good luck with everything!

            1. Relocating during pandemic?*

              The radiant heat uses oil to heat the water. I would assume it has an electronic assist to light the flame? No idea.

              It does have a large wood burning fireplace (enclosed so nothing pops out).

              Thanks!

              1. Not So NewReader*

                Separate chimneys, right? One for the furnace one for the fireplace? And the chimneys have or soon will have a proper inspection?

                1. Relocating during pandemic?*

                  The furnace doesn’t exist. It does radiant heating in the floor using tubes of hot water embedded in the concrete so there isn’t any off-gassing.

                  The chimney would be inspected as part of the home inspection. In our current house, we installed a wood burning insert last year. We’d consider doing that at the potential home too as it would alleviate any concerns about the mortar in the chimney. With the inserts, they sleeve the chimney with an exhaust pipe.

                  Another good thing to bring up!

        2. bunniferous*

          My 80something year old parents have about that many acres and do just fine with it. Dad was mowing today. But definitely have a well inspection and test the water quality as well. Also if you have never lived with a septic tank you will need to understand how they work and how you do have to be careful what you put down the pipes.

          1. Relocating during pandemic?*

            I’m definitely going to have to check that out as we’ve always lived on city sewer.

            I’ve heard they can be touchy!

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Check to see if there is one of those septic tank alarms. This alarm goes off when you need to pump out. If you don’t pump out, the alarm machine turns off your water. You end up with NO water until you pump out.

      2. Relocating during pandemic?*

        Great points!

        We don’t travel much. DH would travel maybe once a month for work but he’s downshifting at the end of the year, so it’s likely it’d be less frequent. We are a half hour from the airport and this move would tack on just over an hour.

        5 acres seems like a lot for sure. There is certainly a lot of grass to mow. There are larger trees that ring the property. We do have a chainsaw and we are both handy. We are used to having a tree cut down into rounds and then we turn the rounds into firewood. But most of the perimeter trees seem mid-maturity instead of old growth.

        We pretty much spend every evening and every weekend in the yard doing projects, and it’s taken 17 years to transform part of this yard. The other property is already transformed. The plantings around the house are small bushes like hydrangeas and not towering hedges of 12’ high camellias like we have. Other than needing a riding lawnmower I don’t think it’ll be bad!

        1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          You don’t have to mow the whole thing! You can put in a meadow/grassland/prairie bit with native grasses etc. Or just leave a good bit unmowed-sounds like you’ll be out in the country where people don’t care about that stuff so much. My parents have a lawn area around the house, but the rest is wild with mown paths.

          BTW, my dad enjoys the riding lawnmower so much that he actually keeps more mown than they otherwise would.

          1. Relocating during pandemic?*

            it’s funny because dh has always wanted a riding lawnmower, and the two homes we’ve owned have only supported the use of a battery push mower. Tiny amounts of grass.

            I do like the idea of a meadow! I think the very lowest part of the property that is slightly wooded is a grassland, but I didn’t walk down that far to check it out.

            1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

              If you get half the joy my parents have with their big property, it’ll be a move well worth it. Every time I go visit my mom has to show me all the new stuff they’ve been working on. It sounds like a lovely property-just don’t get your heart too set on it in case there are issues.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          If you have a lot of open area you could let a farmer hay it. I am sure it’s different in other states but here if a field is hayed for agricultural purposes, the landowner can get a nice break on taxes. It’s an ag exemption.

    4. My Brain Is Exploding*

      How are the medical providers, hospitals, etc? How close do you want to have secondary and tertiary care?

      1. Relocating during pandemic?*

        I think worst case would mean traveling back to our current town for specialty care. Both of my siblings live here so we’d always have a place to stay.

    5. Long drives*

      I lived in the country for a number of years. I agree with all the Comments above, especially about services and Internet. Verify how Internet is provided; I’ve seen places that claim to have it but really you’d be using your phone as a hotspot.
      How handy are you all? Hubs had to get very good with a chainsaw (it can be hard to get people out to do any kind of lawn, cleaning, or handyman service.)
      Check out the neighbors. Are they friendly- or resentful of the new people? Do they hunt on their land- and expect to be able to hunt on yours? Trespassing was a constant issue for us. Check out zoning ordinances- you don’t want a chicken farm to suddenly spring up next to you.
      Water. If it’s a well, taste it. Well water has a reputation for being great, but ours was high in sulfur and iron. It turned all the whites orange. Even with a water softener and thousands of dollars of other water treatment equipment, it was still undrinkable.
      c

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        If it’s a well, ask if they’ve had it tested anytime lately, including for PFAS.

        My parents moved to a lovely 6 acre small farm at the edge of a lake, only 30 minutes outside the town where I grew up. It was great until this past couple of years, when we found that a local plant had been dumping an under-regulated possible carcinogen (think DuPont and PFAS and you’re in the right area). My parents got their well tested – they’re now part of the free water delivery from the company, but still haven’t figured out what to do about the chickens, ducks, geese and turkeys they raise to eat themselves.

        1. Relocating during pandemic?*

          Luckily PFAS aren’t a concern on our coast (outside of some specific areas of California and we don’t live in that state).

          I’ve asked for the well log and depending on depth and material that they drilled into, it’s likely that I’d just ask for a nitrate and arsenic test to be overly safe. It’s not a huge agricultural area and it isn’t the part of the state known for naturally occurring arsenic but the water would be going on edible plants.

          The house is served by a water district that pulls water from a river nearby that is reasonably pristine – no wastewater upstream. The treatment processes they use would take care of anything I’d be concerned about. Water is my specialty!

      2. Relocating during pandemic?*

        The immediate neighborhood seems to all be 5 acre parcels with the exception of the end of the road which has horses on the property and seems to be the biggest lot. There are only about 8 immediate neighbors. The overhead shots make it clear that they are all average sized houses with outbuildings and gardens.

        I have chickens and I noted a rooster crowing when we visited. Nothing in the area seems big enough to support a pig farm or really large scale farming at all until you get about 10 miles further into the valley proper.

        I am always concerned about the source of water! I know the water district and the treatment processes they use so I’m not worried about that. The well on the property is for irrigation use.

        Most of the property is fenced and it’s all quite open. Good point on meeting the neighbors!

      3. Clisby*

        It didn’t occur to me when I first read the post, but you’re right about the hunting (or, you could be right depending on the area.)

        My husband is from SE Ohio, and once we were visiting his father, who lived on a farm of maybe 130 acres. I had to go to Columbus for a day of meetings at my job (I almost exclusively worked from home), and said something like, “Oh, you can take Emma walking around the farm.” He looked at me like I was crazy, and said “I can’t take her out walking – it’s deer season.”

    6. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      Are you permanently remote or will one or both of you potentially have a long commute if and when the world goes back to normal?

      1. Relocating during pandemic?*

        DH is permanently remote. They switched to hot desking a few years back although he retained his office. He has been telecommuting 4 out of 5 days since we got a puppy over a year ago. I was only doing 1 day a week of telecommuting but have been fully remote since the pandemic started.

        My boss has stated that my position description will be rewritten to have a fully remote option. My employer has a process to apply for telecommuting so I’m probably submitting that paperwork early next week for approval. The bigger boss has already said yes (that boss has their main home and spouse in a different state several hours plane ride away, so he’s obv telecommuting during this pandemic). I wouldn’t move forward without that paper being signed, because I’m still a few years away from wanting to retire. DH will shift to part time at the end of the year (which means 40 hours instead of 70) but he will likely fully retire in the next 3-4 years.

        We had one person go fully remote for years until they retired about 5 years ago so it isn’t without precedent.

        I know that’s the main point of my insecurity about moving. I don’t want to lose my very good job.

    7. Esmeralda*

      Kids in college: Right now it may seem that you will not be supporting them much/at all after they graduate, but I suggest having a contingency plan for that and give it some consideration in buying the new property, given how terrible the economy is and will continue to be for some time to come. Remember that it was hard for people graduated during the last recession to find jobs even after the economy improved.

      (My husband and I discussed this very topic last week: I had planned to retire early, but I now expect to continue working for the foreseeable future in case we need to help support our son, who is a college junior)

      1. Relocating during pandemic?*

        Good point! We would always be happy to have them come home and stay with us. The number of bedrooms hasn’t decreased but the number of bathrooms is higher than the current house. The shop has stubbed out plumbing for an apartment.

        The oldest is just starting his 5-year fully funded PhD program, so he’s pretty set for awhile and isn’t likely to move back to this coast while in that program.

        Neither kid will have college debt. I’d love to stop paying the younger son’s rent when he graduates from college, but that money isn’t shifting to a different bucket so we could still swing it just fine I think.

        I’d really love it if the kids would move home, but the best we can hope for is a few weeks each year gradually shifting to a few days a year. Sigh.

  10. Greta*

    Update on my post from last week re: what to do about a family member’s request.

    Thank you to all who chimed in with advice. For those who didn’t see it, in a nutshell, my BIL asked to come stay with us (me, husband, live-in MIL, and kids) for an extended period of time because he is lonely during the pandemic. He lives across the country (USA) and proposed to drive here and quarantine in his van in our driveway. I really did not want this to happen because I don’t think it’s possible to fully quarantine in a van with no bathroom or kitchen, I am in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy, we are struggling to WFH and take care of kids, and adding a long-term houseguest who would not be here to help out is just too much right now (particularly since we are high risk for COVID).

    All 60+ commenters agreed my husband needed to shut this down and he did, compassionately and without throwing me under the bus. He told his brother it would be too much right now and proposed we look at early spring instead. It did not go well. BIL sent several angry texts back saying “that doesn’t work for me” and we need to “just figure it out, take time off work if you have to” because he is “not going a year without seeing his mom” and he “needs his family.” This is what I was afraid of. He has had a rough year for personal reasons and I know he really misses seeing his family (my MIL and husband are his only living immediate family). But the texts really made my husband angry because he thinks BIL is being totally unreasonable. I dearly miss seeing my family too (I probably won’t see my parents or siblings for 1-2 years by the time this is all over) but that’s the reality of this pandemic when you live far apart.

    Fortunately cooler heads prevailed and instead of this becoming a massive fight, my MIL was able to talk everyone down and BIL has agreed to postpone to early 2021. I’m still worried about how that’s going to go given that COVID will certainly still be an issue then, but I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Any additional thoughts on how we could make this situation work are appreciated.

    1. Still*

      I’m glad your husband and MIL have your back and that you’ve managed to at least postpone the visit!

      To be honest, I’m exhausted just reading about your BIL and his demands. Somebody inviting themselves to my home, especially for an extended period of time, is already pushing it. Not coming up with a very explicit plan about how they’re gonna help out and contribute to the household during that time? Unacceptable. Getting angry and pushy when faced with refusal, especially when they tried to invite themselves over during a time when no thoughtful human would think it’s a good idea? Quite frankly, this person would be disinvited from any stay at my house, ever.

      I know there might be family and cultural expectations at play and that you want to be considerate towards him, and that this is not a line you might be able to draw, but just as a data point: I think your BIL’s expectations are outrageous and you’d be fully entitled to not host him at your house overnight, ever.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I agree that behavior would seal their fate in my books.

        In the name of peace and harmony it seems like your MIL has the magic touch. I’d talk to her and ask her how to pull this together with the dual goal of peace and safety.

        It took me a bit to figure this out, but we do have to trust our inlaws to know how to deal with each other. They have had many more years practice. It seems like your hubby and MIL respect your “NO”, so your part in this seems to be to just stand by that “No” answer and not waffle. If you seem indecisive/wishy-washy it’s going to make it harder for them to back you.

      2. Dancing Otter*

        Yes, not a single night! If he decided not to leave the next day, how would you get him out?

      3. Wishing You Well*

        Wow. You’re supposed to fix BIL’s problems when you’re about to give birth in a pandemic? And he gets irate when he hears the word no? And he STILL wants you to take him in after a barrage of angry texts? Wow.
        There’s no way I’d let this guy into my house or on my driveway. He might be lonely but it’s more likely he’s broke because when does “I need company” translate to “I have to live in your house”?
        Concern A: He’ll establish residency at your place and it will take a full-blown eviction to get him out – even if he’s living there for free. The “living-in-my-van” is ridiculous; he’s aiming to live IN your house.
        Concern B: He will refuse to quarantine while living with you because he’s lonely.
        Concern C: his temper. Next time you have to tell him no, he’ll have his tantrum inside your house in front of your children. Could you all handle that?
        He can easily see his mother and brother outside the house (outside restaurant, maybe) without living at your house. Suggest they Facetime with him. The loneliness issue should be separated from the residence issue. You sound like a kind person. You also sound like you have enough on your plate without adding more.

      4. WoodswomanWrites*

        Same. If it were me, with such an angry response and demanding that his brother quit his job to cater to him, this would ensure that he would not spend even one night at my house. Issuing threats sure doesn’t build familial connections. If he wants so badly to be near family, he can find his own place nearby and get together in the way the rest of us are seeing people–masked, outdoors, and at a distance.

        I’m glad that your husband and mother-in-law are taking the lead on this. In the meantime, if he’s that unstable, counseling could be helpful and they could be encouraged to seek it out to take care of himself. That’s not for the rest of you to do.

    2. WellRed*

      Why am I not surprised BIL had an unreasonable reaction? I guess it was just reading between the lines of last weeks post. I’m so glad your husband and mIL have your back. I wouldn’t do anything else right now. Let him cool down, waaaau down.

    3. Joie de Vivre*

      If he comes (and I hope you can figure out some way to keep that from happening), don’t treat him as a guest. He needs to help clean the house, make meals, do his own laundry, yard work, and any other family chores you have.

      I really hope your husband or MIL can’t shut this down. Good luck n

    4. Ali G*

      Have a talk with your husband and MIL and set some metrics for what the world will need to look like before you will be comfortable with having BIL visiting. What things need to happen? Kids in school/daycare? Baby sleeping through the night? How many cases a day where you are and where he is would you consider low risk? Decide these things now, get yourselves on the same page, and then you will be able to objectively evaluate if BIL can visit or not.

      1. valentine*

        Have a talk with your husband and MIL and set some metrics for what the world will need to look like before you will be comfortable with having BIL visiting.
        This is the missing piece. Your baby will still be too young in early 2021. You can’t trust a person who wants to keep breaking quarantine and put your whole household at risk, who says you need to stop working (¿Qué? to attend to him?), to maintain sufficient hygiene and otherwise not increase your risk. Early next year simply isn’t doable.

        Hubs didn’t shut it down. He, what, argued and compromised and let his mom mediate? None of that is good. Why is BIL making demands and why do hubs and you feel like you can’t outright tell him no? Did BIL raise hubs? Is he significantly older? Do you have a policy where all family is welcome in your house whenever they want? I don’t understand the lack of defending the castle. Someone needs to tell BIL that he can’t visit for the foreseeable future and you will revisit the topic in 2022, unless you know sooner that you need to say no to that as well. (If you don’t own the property or MIL shares ownership, you’d do well to change that.) MIL, however, is a free agent who can go live with him or go see him somewhere (hubs can’t because child care), quarantine, then return to your house. But if BIL is in town or nearby, would any of you tell him no, when you won’t now?

    5. Brob*

      Take time off work if you have to????

      Omg, the entitlement. How dare he? I would not want to see this guy anytime soon.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        That’s something teens say to each other when they are working their first jobs. But after that they realize, whoops, no really can’t say that.

    6. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Your BIL having difficulties does not mean you have to fix it for him. He’s an adult. He can seek out therapy and whatever else he needs. He also could take steps to move closer to his family. He’s the one living far away. All this is to stay – he’s being unreasonable and childish. Which is not your problem. You have actual children to deal with. The adult baby is pretty far down the priority list, whoever they are.

      You do what’s best for your family. If you’re not comfortable with him staying with you in the future, there are hotels and airbnbs and tents and campsites. He can figure it out.

    7. Come On Eileen*

      Thanks for the update on this. My recommendation? Give yourself the gift of not thinking about this for the foreseeable future. It’s postponed, that’s good enough for now. Your BIL allowed to be angry and frustrated by this — most people would be. 2020 is a crappy year for almost everybody. You don’t need to do a single thing about his emotions. He’s an adult and can manage his feelings. I’m glad your husband spoke up.

    8. Jules the 3rd*

      If your BIL comes to town, he has to have a place to stay that’s independent of your property. No van in the driveway, not in a guestroom, his own place. Visits have to be outside, masked, and distant.

      I did clean out my car port to have an outside space with a roof where we could see people. If you can set up something like that, and let BIL know, it may make him feel more welcome and more patient. Carport’s open to the air on three sides, so almost like being totally outside, but the roof and power outlets means we don’t have to worry about weather. If you do set up something like that, you may have to be clear it’s just for *visits*, he can’t live there.

    9. Parenthetically*

      I mean, the solution to me pretty clearly needs to not involve BIL living with you — you’re still going to have a baby! And an overworked husband! And a demanding job! In your shoes, I think I’d present him with a couple of options:

      1. MIL moves out, MIL and BIL rent an apartment together. Obviously contingent on BIL being able to meet MIL’s needs.

      2. BIL rents an apartment nearby (or rents/buys an RV with water and a toilet and a kitchen and parks it at an RV park nearby, not in front of your house) and forms a (maybe-socially-distanced) pod with your household. Contingent on BIL abiding by the same standards you’re abiding by to keep yourselves safe.

      You, MIL, and husband all present these as the only options, with your house being 100% not on the table.

    11. Aphrodite*

      Your BIL sounds very entitled , though I believe he is acting out of his own desperation and not just being a jerk. However, that doesn’t really matter. I am so glad to read your husband took the reins in this issue and stood firm against the texts, and that your MIL was a calming voice of reason.

      However, the issue is not solved, merely postponed. Like you, I believe that COVID will still be around for at least another year. Even if it is mostly over–there is a safe and effective vaccine–by early next year your BIL will still demand to stay with you, to not help out, to be there only to satisfy his needs.

      What he needs to be told by his brother (your husband) and his mother is that if he is that lonely he needs to be the one to help himself. He needs to save money for a hotel, or your mother needs to put him up, or he needs to buy a tent and stay in a campground or something other than sponging off you and your husband. He needs to take responsibility for what he wants–and that does mean staying in a van in your driveway and making himself at home in your kitchen and bathroom. No way! I would keep the door firmly closed to him unless he has made arrangements satisfactory to himself for where he will stay, wash, eat and so on. You are dealing with an entitled moocher who is more than willing to run roughshod (and become abusive) if he can’t get what he wants when he wants it. The lack of COVID won’t change that. Beware!

    12. allathian*

      Glad to hear your MIL has your back and has shut this down for now. Your BIL’s reaction would tempt me to cut ties with him completely. Perhaps your BIL will see his mother when it’s safe for her and perhaps your husband to fly to see him? There’s no need for you to accommodate him as your guest ever again.

    13. eeniemeenie*

      I’m happy for you that he’s not coming! Saying no gets less difficult over time with practice.

      This was a crappy situation because it was a choice of either (a) saying yes and having BIL in your home, which you did not want; or (b) saying no and sitting with the discomfort of guilt and BIL’s hostile reaction.

      I agree with your husband. Your BIL is being completely unreasonable. I hope you remember this is not your fault. You’re not forcing BIL and MIL apart – the only way you could do that is is if you held MIL in a basement for a ransom. It’s sad that he’s had a rough year and misses his family – that’s valid. But we are in the midst of a pandemic so we’re all making sacrifices. He’s not alone in missing out on family presence and support. His wish to see his family does not trump your own needs to remain physically and emotionally healthy.

      You cannot control your BIL’s reaction or emotions; thus you are not responsible for them. So if this situation repeats itself next year, let BIL get mad and have whatever reaction he wants to have. He is not a two year old; it’s not anyone else’s job to placate him. That should not have any impact on your decisions about how you keep yourselves safe.

      Hope you have a healthy and happy new baby!

    14. Observer*

      need to “just figure it out, take time off work if you have to”

      I’m glad you MIL managed to talk everyone down. But please recognize that your husband’s initial reaction was 100% on the money. This was not just a personal quirk or a “feeling” on something subjective. Your BIL was being objectively unreasonable.

      You DO need to do a realistic reassessment a couple of months before the projected visit date. Do NOT allow BIL to insist “But you agreed”. It may be doable, and it may not be. And if it is not doable, you will need to hold firm.

    15. I'm just here for the comments*

      I’m happy that at least for now you’ve got some breathing room from your BIL. I can also understand the impulse to push things off and restart the conversation at a later date rather than outright ban your BIL from ever stepping foot in your home, and hopefully your husband and MIL can work out a more tenable plan in the future. I just want to throw this thought out there as I was following your post last week as well – you say your BIL won’t be helpful when he visits, but I think you can and should put your foot down about the amount of work you’ll be doing for him (which should really be none, in my opinion). Why? Because he’s already proven that he can care for himself- he’s living alone far away from family; who’s doing his laundry and cooking his meals and cleaning his place? If not him, then he has figured out a way to get it done (i.e. paying other people to do it) and there’s no reason for him to suddenly become helpless just because he visits. If your MIL and husband want to wait on him hand and foot then that’s their prerogative, but make it clear to your husband that your plate will still be too full to take on a full-grown manchild (but maybe don’t use that exact description). Setting boundaries is not being mean or controlling, it’s simply letting your family know what your limits are so you don’t end up completely overwhelmed and overburdened, and I have a feeling your husband may be more in agreement than not. Good luck.

  11. Jessie*

    Hi,

    I have a strange situation regarding the apartment we live in. So, backstory: My husband and I were supposed to live overseas when we got married. But due to sudden circumstances we.moved back. We had never bought a place, so my mom offered us her old apartment to live in. It was in the family building. So, my aunt and cousin were neighbors and my mom also had another apartment she stayed in when she was in town. The apartment was for free. We stayed there for a while and had our two kids there but the problem was the apartment was a dump. It had not been renovated for years. And to make matters worse, a huge building sprung up right next to us, shielding the sun, so it became very dark and depressing.

    So, we decided to start looking for a house. Twice, we found a great property, but the deal fell out at the last minute. The second time, I was literally sitting at the table with the real estate agent, with the contract right in front of me, when the owner of the house comes in and says that he won’t be selling after all because he got a better deal. Uff.

    So, after that, I got turned off house hunting for. a while. Then, our circumstances changed again and it seems that we needed to look for a house at the other end of the city. So, not the suburb where we were going to buy a house. So, we were kind of stuck. But we needed to make a decision fast, because 1, the house was a dump and becoming dangerous ie cupboards falling on someone’s head in the kitchen etc 2 Our son got accepted into a school at the other side of town and his therapy was there too (he has Aspergers). I was spending four hours in the car dropping and picking him up. So, we decided to rent a furnished apartment near his school, just for a year until we found a house.

    I chose an apartment that I really liked and that was the opposite of the dump we were leaving.. It was big, airy, and sunny. The furniture was very classic and the terrace was as big as our old apartment. It was super expensive too. And in my opinion renting is just money down the drain. But given our situation, I thought we could treat ourselves for a year, until we find a house. So, we moved in last February and it was great and very close to my son’s school. No more four hour rides. No more yucky kitchen and bathroom yay.
    Current problem: Well, once we moved, we realized that the apartment was a bit deceptive. Even though it looked really great. It was super old. Things didn’t break, they disintegrated. Like you would pull a drawer and the knob would come out of your hands, the showers would break, half the bulbs in the house didn’t work and when my husband tried to fix them, it turned out that there was a problem in the electricity itself. There was also.an occasional smell of sewage that come from the bathroom yuck. And there was an unbelievable ant problem. And on top of all this, schools were shutdown due to corona and the whole reason we moved there (to be close to my son’s school and therapy) was now null. And again because of corona, we couldn’t bring maintenance people to fix the problem. It depressed me because one of the reasons we moved was because of the the terrible condition of the old apartment. And now we were back in the same situation, but paying a crap load of money for it!!!

    Then we quarantined there for four months, and this apartment that I was so happy about, became like a prison. A month ago, we broke the quarantine and came to stay with my family on the coast. And I’ve been thinking a lot about this apartment. And I just hate it. It just has so many awful memories. I have severe anxiety, so the quarantine really triggered me. And all I remember from this. place is the endless stress, the non stop washing of groceries and surfaces and the bloody masks and the smell of disinfectant. I’m getting a bad vibe from this place. Is that crazy? Every time I think of going back, I get triggered.
    Now,, I’m thinking of breaking the contract, paying the penalty and either renting a new place or moving back to the dump. My husband thinks that’s nuts. He says the dump is still a dump and not livable. The new apartment is close to my son’s school which is opening next week. That, it IS a nice place but just needs a bit of maintenance, which we could do. And that if we break the contract, we would have to pay a penalty. And that there is no such thing as a “vibe.”

    My question is, have you ever had a bad vibe from.a place? And is there anyway we can turn this around? Can I get rid of this anxious feeling I get from this place? Can I turn it into a happy place.

    PS: my son hates the place too and keeps asking to go back to the old apartment. The new place is much prettier, but my husband thinks that he is associating the new apartment with the quarantine and that’s why he hates it. Quarantine meant no.more play areas, parks, malls etc.

    1. Asenath*

      I don’t get vibes, but there have been a few places I would prefer to never live in again for perfectly rational reasons! And it sounds like you do have good reasons for wanting to not return to this apartment. Whether you should listen to those reasons is another issue. You and your husband (and maybe your son, if he’s old enough to contribute to the discussion) need to consider all the factors. Is your husband right that the repairs could be done easily? How much is the penalty and how would it affect your budget? Could you set a limit – OK, we can reasonably expect to get the essential repairs X, Y and Z done by DATE, and then we’ll look to buy or rent elsewhere when the contract ends. In my experience, living in a place I really dislike is a lot easier when I have plans, with date attached, for an exit. How bad is that commute if you move back to the gloomy dump? For me, being near a child’s school and therapy would counteract a LOT of faults in the apartment, but you may think of things differently. If you do decide to stay, and the quarantine eases a bit, you and your son can explore the area for amenities like parks, which will also help if you decide to move locally at the end of your lease.

    2. WellRed*

      I think it’s possible to get bad vibes from a place, but it sounds like your vibes come more from the situation than the actual apartment. Do you really want to move back to your family dangerous dump (and what’s that all about?) does it have to be either or?

    3. Not So NewReader*

      My vote is to move to the new place. I have had three apartments. I know for a fact once I reach this point I am done and that’s in caps- DONE.
      Unlike the other places, check this new place out thoroughly. Look in cupboards, turn the water on and off, flick the light switches. Give it some serious scrutiny. You now know where are the pitfalls are so you definitely know where to look.
      The problem that I am seeing is the you have had several serious instances involving housing. Having panic attacks does not seem unreasonable to me after what you have been through. It’s a basic need to feel safe in our home environment. Making matters worse you select a home to purchase and that falls through. So this is many whammies all in a row.

      As far as house hunting, not a comfort but as a confirmation, I ended up in tears in the process of looking for a house. Looking for a house is daunting especially if you have constraints such as location and/or budget. It’s not always FUN like it seems it should be.

      My best advice given your whole setting here, is to start asking for help from trusted people in your lives. This is really hard and you shouldn’t try to shoulder it alone. Whose judgement do you trust the most of those around you? Who has special knowledge or expertise that would be willing to give you some advice at no or low cost?

      Find a path where you are running TOWARDS something, as opposed to running AWAY from something. Bring in well chosen people to help you get there.

      1. VelociraptorAttack*

        I think the “new place” is the current place and there isn’t actually a new place that has already been found.

    4. Anono-me*

      For the next month or two, with school starting next week, it probably makes sense to go back to the expensive appartment temporarily.

      But I would start house and apartment housing online today, so that you have appointments to view new places next week . I would also have someone else who is handy take a look at the next place before you commit to rent and have a formal home inspection if you decide to buy.

      As far as the plan to stay in the expensive appartment and diy the maintenance; I am concerned that the maintenance may not ever get done, since it hasn’t already and it was so bad that you left for the summer. (Also, it sounds like no diy maintenance was done on the other place. ) TBH it sounds like neither of you are DIY people.

      Question: with all the problems with the expensive place, can you ask to end the lease with less/no penalty once you find a good place?

    5. Jules the 3rd*

      If you can stand it, try for your original plan, but maybe move up the house hunting part.

      You’re going to need a place where you can stay when school goes remote. If you’re in the US, the pattern is ‘school opens in person, kids show up sick, schools close’. There’s no reason to think that fall 2020 is going to be anything other than that for us (except for the few ‘schools open virtually and skip the in-person / get sick part’). We may get back to in-person school in a year, fall 2021.

      A house might have enough yard for your kid to be outside some, even if he can’t hang out with friends.

    6. valentine*

      A vibe is a feeling and yours is you’re unhappy with the apartments. Ideally, you would’ve moved somewhere new. (When you’re looking, open the drawers and turn on the faucets and lights, on your way in and on your way out.) I don’t understand why you have to pay a penalty when there’s so much wrong with the new place. (Ants?! Just no.) The price is worth your freedom, though.

      The dump: Why doesn’t your family fix it? Even if they did, though, the lack of sunlight makes it a nonstarter. Proceed as though it doesn’t exist. Don’t factor it into your decisions.

      1. Jessie*

        The dump is my mom’s and she doesn’t want to spend money on it. It’s a shame because the other apartments in the building have been renovated and look great.
        My husband and I are not DIY, but we had an endless streams of maintenance guys coming to fix things, but in a couple of days, they would break again.
        In the new place, I was weary of bringing anyone in, because of corona. The ants specifically were terrible. I tried washing and using vinegar and peppercorns, but they would be back the next day. They got in all our food. I threw a ton of food because of them. One time, after I boiled some pasta, I found dead ants floating in the water. It was a newly opened pack. How did they get in there!!! In the end, we had to give in and got someone to spray the apartment.
        We have five months to go before the lease ends. I will try and spend some money on the place, but if I still feel that way by next month I will have to break the lease early!

        1. Anono-me*

          Try ant disks. (But put them where the kid can’t get at it.)

          If repair are regularly failing shortly after they have been made, a responsible maintenance person should be returning and redoing the repair. Maybe you are trusting the wrong DIY people. It might be helpful to educate yourself about the repair before you hire someone, so that you know what to expect.

        2. Natalie*

          In the new place, I was weary of bringing anyone in, because of corona.

          You need to get over this, whether you stay in your current apartment, move to a new rental, or buy a place. We are looking at months more of this at a minimum and things just can’t go unmaintained that long. As long as you aren’t hanging out in the same room as the worker for hours you’re basically fine – sit in your bedroom or go for a walk while they’re there.

    7. allathian*

      Ouch… I think you, like your son, may be associating the apartment with COVID restrictions and that’s one reason why you don’t like it. Of course, the way it’s disintegrating doesn’t help. I really, really hope you’ll find a house soon, preferably one that’s not too far from your son’s school. A 4-hour daily commute to school doesn’t sound reasonable.

      That said, I get bad, bad vibes from old churches that were originally consecrated Catholic. I desperately try to sit still if I’m attending a wedding or funeral in an old church. I don’t have this problem in churches that were built after the reformation. I’m basically a lapsed Lutheran although I’ve never really been a believer. When I was 5 I asked my recently widowed, very pious grandmother what the difference was between believing in Santa Claus and believing in Jesus, and 40+ years later I still don’t know the answer to that question. I lost my belief in Santa early, we celebrate on Christmas Eve and kids sometimes get their presents from a person disguised as Santa in person, and when I was 4 my uncle dressed up as Santa but didn’t disguise his voice. I panicked and screamed the house down until he took off his beard, but that was the end of my belief in Santa… This is one of my earliest coherent memories.

      I’ve never felt more at peace than when I got the chance to walk among the standing stones at Carnac, France. The balmy weather at the time may have had something to do with it, I suppose… But it happened 26 years ago and it’s still the place I visit in my mind whenever I want to feel calm and strong. I suspect I’d feel the same way at Stonehenge, although I’m unlikely to ever get the opportunity. A friend of mine, who’s an RE teacher and very religious, had the chance to visit Stonehenge once, but she got very bad vibes from the place and had to leave early.

      1. Jessie*

        I think this will derail the thread a bit. But if we are focusing specifically on vibes, then I have to share this. A few years back, I was working as. a journalist. I was doing a story about a guy who claimed that his sister and brother went missing during the revolution that happened in my country. We met at this weird cafe that he suggested.. There was something very off about it. The cafe was two levels, and he asked me to go to the bottom level to do the interview because it was “quieter.” I’ve been to many cafes that were two storey, but when I looked down, it was total darkness. I got a very creepy vibe from it and gott scared and insisted that we do the interview on the top floor. It was a bizarre interview and the guy was acting strange. After we were done, I went to my car, and the guy suddenly said that his parents home is right on the this street and if I would live to visit. He had told me earlier, that his parents didn’t want to be interviewed. I also got a. creepy vibe from the basement. So, I told him, what’s the point? He told me, well you can take pics to go with your story. I told him that I don’t take pics (I have a hand tremor due to a neurological problem). He said, well then give me your phone, and I will take some pics and give it back to you. Usually, for something like that, I would send our office photographer to take some snaps. But he kept nagging, so I’m like, ok, take my phone and I will wait in the car.
        He took my phone. Then he made a big show of putting HIS phone and HIS wallet in my backseat and told me to “please take care of them” until he comes back. So, he goes and I sit in my car, looking at my notes. And I wait and I wait and I wait. And he’s not coming back. And he has my phone, so I can’t reach him. So, I’m like ok, he left his phone, I will use his phone to call and ask where he is. I get his phone from the backseat, and lo and behold, it’s not a real phone, it’s a bloody toy phone! . I’m confused. I reach for his wallet. It’s empty and stuffed with old menus and random paper. I’m in total panic, staring at the stuff. My mind is not comprehending what the hell is happening here. Then I figured it out. He was a con artist. He tried to get me into that creepy cafe and I refused. He tried to get me into the basement and I refused. So, he decided to cut his losses short and take my phone. It was an iPhone, so he still made himself a few thousand pounds (in our currency). I was beyond hysterical. And when I went to the police station, I was told that they did not want my “phone,” their plans were for something much more sinister. It gives me chills until now, to think what he planned for me. And the only thing that saved me, was the “vibe” I got from that eerie cafe and the family basement. So, yeah, bad vibes happen.
        Lol, I derailed my own thread.

        1. allathian*

          That’s scary! I’m glad you got away with just a stolen phone.
          I wish you luck in your house hunting and I hope you’ll update us here on the weekend thread.

    8. Nita*

      In your shoes, I’d re-start the house hunting and be ready to pay the penalty if you find a good place before the lease runs out. Depending on where you are, the market may have become more buyer-friendly lately.

      Also, lots of sympathy on the argument with your husband. I’ve been having a massive argument with my husband over a corona-related issue for the last two weeks. He thinks it’s all good and we don’t need to do anything, and I am staying awake nights in dread of what will happen if we do nothing. It’s so hard to convince someone to take a financially painful action, when they think everything is fine, and they don’t need to spend massive money to fix it. It’s a schools-related thing for us… I think maybe we’ve sort of kind of reached an agreement, but there are so many unknowns we’re both just throwing around what-ifs.

    9. Overeducated*

      I’m a renter under contract for my first house. The amazing things about renting are that you don’t have to do major maintenance, and you can just walk away when your situation changes. The dump and the new apartment both sound like they need a lot of work that won’t be done for you during covid or ever…so walk away. If you have the money to pay the penalty, do it. That’s a perk of not owning.

      Find someplace better. No dump. Another rental is ok. I don’t think it’s throwing away money, but I’ve never had free housing to compare it to, only mortgages where you mostly pay interest the first few years anyway.

    10. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I don’t think i’ve ever gotten bad vibes from a place, but definitely bad memories. I’ve lived in a few places that later on I just associate with bad memories. Sometimes it is totally worth it to just pay the penalty, I fully believe that peace of mind is worth the $$$.

  12. fluffycushion*

    Does anyone not want to go to a family members occasions? I have one brother, who I really like. BUT! I hate going to his life events. I went to his wedding which was fine enough but know I am facing a lifetime of events like christenings, kids birthdays, his milestone birthdays and more. I know it sounds awful but I really don’t want to do this. I only know two people at these events, most of who spend their time talking to others. I hate making small talk with people I am not interested in, like my sister in law’s family or my brother’s friends. I just don’t care about these people and I hate pointless small talk with people I only see every few years.

    I am single and childless by choice. There are no major life events for me he is expected to attend. It strikes me as unfair and a one sided deal I have to spend my life going to these events. I just want to say ‘I love you, happy special occasion, but count me out of the party.’ I really don’t think not being there would be a big deal.

    Or am I being a jerk?

    1. Asenath*

      If you want to maintain a relationship with your brother, it’s probably a good idea to go to some of these events. They can strengthen your connection with him and his family, and without these rituals its very easy for even close relatives to drift apart. You can reciprocate by setting up your own rituals to which you can invite him and his family – personal achievement, Fluffycushion’s Annual Party in honour of Holiday of Choice, that sort of thing.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I haven’t ever been to any of my brother’s family occasions, and my nephew is… eight? I think? We didn’t attend each other’s weddings. We live in different states and mostly the only time I see him is when I go visit my parents in my hometown, which I don’t do except at the occasional Christmas. I don’t like his wife or her family pretty much at all, but that’s sort of incidental- mostly it’s just that my family tends not to be very close and my siblings and I really don’t have a lot in common. I’m somewhat close to my parents, but we generally prefer to go somewhere to vacation rather than hang out at our houses, which is why I don’t go up there much. (My sister is single and childless and also lives locally to them and my relationship with her is functionally similar.) So for me, it’s been fine, but if I lived closer, or if I saw them a lot and then just skipped everything big, it might be more weird.

    3. Jessie*

      You’re not a jerk, but you should go. If he’s your only brother, and you guys love each other, then it probably means a lot for him that you go. Maybe reduce the number of events. And you could tell him about your discomfort about making small talk with strangers. Maybe he can help you out more.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      Do you want a good relationship with your brother? Do you get along? Do you want to support him and something that’s important to him? If so, then you should go. His wanting you to be present at his special (to him) events should take some precedence over your dread of small talk with people you don’t see often. It’s only a couple hours (or however long you choose to stay). I mean, you don’t need to go to every single event, but you should go to some. You might not think it’s important to him you be there, but he might like you being there at least sometimes. If I had a sibling who never attended anything to which they were invited, I’d get a really loud message they don’t care about me and it would really hurt our relationship. And would you truly not care at all if you invited him to a big life event, or multiple events, and he didn’t go? I know you say there won’t be any (not sure if you mean there won’t be events or that he wouldn’t be expected to be there if there were), but you never know what the future holds.

      I’m childless by choice, too, and I hate going to kids’ birthday parties and such, but it’s something you do when you have family. Especially if you’re on good terms and care about the relationships.

    5. GoryDetails*

      I don’t think you’d be a jerk to just send love and congratulations while declining to attend, but that doesn’t mean your brother wouldn’t think so. Perhaps you could choose one or two events to attend just to keep in touch – doesn’t hurt to be a little acquainted with extended family/friends – or suggest other times to visit when it’s just family; that way you could spend time with your brother and get to know your niblings, but avoid the small-talk situation.

      FWIW, my family’s on the laid-back side – we are close, but we don’t visit often, and not just because we live a 4-hour drive apart. Nobody gets upset if there isn’t 100% attendance at major holidays or events, and in general we make visits (or did, before the current unpleasantness) on non-occasions, spending time with each other rather than large groups. That may not fly in all families, though, so if your brother and family really, really prize having everyone show up for events, you might have to decide how hard you want to push back. But I think a cheerful “can’t make it this time, love to everyone” should be fine.

    6. Emma2*

      Could you go to the once in a lifetime events (wedding, christening) and suggest an alternative to the regular events (birthdays) if some celebration beyond a small gift is expected. Depending on how you feel about it, maybe you could offer to take any kids out for a day to celebrate their birthday, go out for a day with your brother and his family, or have them over for dinner with a birthday cake for dessert? That way you can “spend more quality time with your nephew/niece than you would at the party” – both true and a reasonable line to use to explain your approach.
      I generally don’t think childless adults should be expected to attend children’s birthday parties – welcome to attend if they are close to the child, yes, expected to attend, no. These are events for children, and adults are there largely to supervise the children and engage in child-centred socialising.

      1. Washi*

        This is what I do. I’m glad to see that someone else doesn’t love these big life event parties, because I feel like such a weirdo for not liking them! I’m actually a pretty social person, but something about this kind of event gives me the heebie jeebies. I’ve avoided having parties for my own life events as much as possible, but I agree that you can’t just decide to avoid other people’s parties without consequences to the relationship.

        I go to the things that are extra important and don’t have an alternative celebration option, like weddings. For birthdays, I’ll occasionally go, but more often, I’ll preemptively make individual plans with the person. This is more for friends, since I don’t live close to my family, but I actually find people tend to be flattered that I independently kept track of their birthday and am reaching out well ahead of time to take them out to dinner or whatever. (That might not work so well with a brother where it’s more expected that you know when their birthday is.) But yeah, I think especially for kids, special time with Aunt Fluffycushion could turn into a fun tradition!

    7. Caterpie*

      I don’t think you’re being a jerk, sometimes these sorts of events can be really draining (even if you like them!).

      Would it be possible to make it through some of the once-in-a-lifetime events like Emma2 said, and pick and choose from the rest, such as kids’ parties? My siblings are both married, but I would 100% have no problem if they wanted to bring a friend to something like my kid’s party. Is that something you could try? It seems like your brother invites his friends to these, so hopefully he wouldn’t mind if you brought one yourself. That way you’d have a buddy and wouldn’t have to make small talk with strangers.

    8. Alex*

      I totally feel the same way about events. Weddings, parties, etc….all torturous obligations, not fun at all!! The only exception is if I know and like most of the attendees–for example, two childhood friends got married, and the guests were mostly also MY childhood friends, and so that was fun.

      But events where I know only the person being celebrated? No no no no no no no no….awful.

    9. BRR*

      First, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to. But unless there’s more to it, it sounds a bit extreme. Are there that many events? If it’s every weekend, that’s wayyy too much. But sometimes you just suck it up to make someone else happy.

      It’s also going to be how your family dynamics are. My family is pretty big on attendance. My husbands family doesn’t treat it as a big deal if you can’t make it.

    10. Marthooh*

      For kids’ events, send cards or letters instead; you get extra points if they arrive ahead of time. For once-in-a-lifetime things, pick a few and show up to them with a smile plastered on your face (you don’t have to stay to the bitter end, either!). For the rest, have something else already planned, “…but congratulations! And thanks for thinking of me!”

      1. CJM*

        That’s what I did with my sister and her three kids’ annual birthday parties. I politely opted out after attending a few. My husband and I simply didn’t enjoy them: the drive, high expectations, small talk (and nothing but small talk), scanty refreshments, and family tensions. I know my sister was disappointed, but I had to look out for myself and my own family first. We did attend every baptism, graduation party, and wedding — and all holiday celebrations until recently — with good cheer each time.

    11. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Honestly, yes, you’re being a jerk. Not to think it, but to act on it.

      I don’t want to do a lot of things. But doing the things is frequently what it takes to maintain healthy relationships. And sure, you may just not vibe with your SIL’s family or your brothers friends, but such disregard for them is kinda crappy. They are human beings, and just because you don’t know them doesn’t mean you can’t get to know them better and maybe even like someone. You are perfectly capable of going to various events and being pleasant and friendly. You need to do so.

      You get christened once. Birthdays are annual. You’re looking at what, 5-10 things a year? Is it really going to kill you to spend a few hours at some event 5-10 times a year?

      As for major life events for you – you have birthdays too. What’s wrong with having a Halloween party or something and inviting your brother?

      1. Colette*

        And the thing is, the first time you go, you won’t know anyone. But if you talk to a couple of people, you’ll get to know people over time. You don’t have to become friends with them, but it’s OK to have a pleasant conversation with someone you only see every few years.

      2. Dan*

        10 events per year is almost one per month, which is too much in my book. OP doesn’t say how far she lives from her brother, but if there’s much travel involved, then one visit per year is reasonable. If they live down the street, then once a year looks grouchy.

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          Obviously there’s a range here, and yes distance does factor in. But foregoing all of it? Nope.

    12. Jules the 3rd*

      If you do skip out on Big Events, try setting up special smaller events for just you / your brother’s immediate family (wife n kids), to maintain the relationship. We meet up with the family for trips – Grand Canyon, Paris, Washington DC – but that doesn’t work for everyone, I know.

      Relationships are not about keeping score (one-sided deal?!), it’s about connecting. You’re probably not doing much connecting with your brother at Big Events anyway, but they’re the easy way to keep up the appearance of intimacy. Someone else is doing the planning, all you have to do is show up and chat.

      But make sure you check with your brother on each of them, because ‘whether I should go’ is really a question between you and him.

    13. valentine*

      I have to spend my life going to these events.
      You don’t have to! And it’s perfectly fine not to.

      If you want to spend time with him or the kids in person, pick random holidays, like National Ice Cream Day, but not always the same one, to avoid the guilt and expectations associated with certain, especially Christian, fed hols.

      If you have a good relationship, sit down with him and discuss what’s important to both of you and what kind of role you want to play in each other’s lives.

    14. I don't mean to be rude, I'm just good at it*

      I hate weddings, bar/bat mitzvah s, christenings, holiday parties, etc… Although I am lousy at small talk, I can do it acceptably.

      If I could get away with it, I would never go to a large family event again, but when they occur I put on my suit and go.
      1. It makes my parents happy.
      2. It makes my family happy.
      3. It’s the right thing to do.
      4. I don’t want a year of, “Where were you?”
      Suck it up and go. A few hours versus a lifetime of being shunned.

    15. Dan*

      I think trying to think about it holistically is overwhelming you a bit. I’d just take things one event at a time.

      However, if you want to plan a bit and you live any distance apart, you might just decide that you’ll visit once or twice a year or whatever, and ask your brother which big events those visits should be for? If you live down the street, that’s going to look stingy. My blood family is dinky and my brother and his wife have no kids, so I don’t get dragged to endless events.

      That said, when I was with my ex, her family was local, and there were LOTS of them. There was always something going on on the weekends. My ex thought that working was beneath her but got bored while I was at work, so she really thrived off the family contact. (We had no kids). Except… when the weekends rolled around, I just wanted to chill a lot. That was the cause for endless arguments. She didn’t want to go “alone” and she wouldn’t accept the fact that I needed some down time. I tried compromising with “big” events or monthly, or something, but nope. Anything less than “everything” was not acceptable.

    16. Jazz*

      I’ve gone to parties where I only knew one or two people, who spent most of their time talking to others. I have social anxiety so it made me really miserable. I felt so stupid just sitting around alone or attempting to make small talk with complete strangers. It’s not something I’d do again at this point because someone merely appreciating that I attended a party where I barely saw them is not worth the stress and humiliation it causes me.

      My suggestion would be to let your brother know that you’re not attending whatever event because of how uncomfortable you are around crowds of strangers, and ask if you could celebrate it with him separately (like take him out to lunch or simply visit him to drop off a card/gift).

    17. RC Rascal*

      You need to go. Things can have a way of changing over time, compounding and sometimes escalating. My mother’s sisters family saw no reason to attend our life events but expected everyone at theirs. My mother constant forgave her & made excuses for her, but privately it made her very sad. Only my dad and I saw the sadness.

      I hate the entire pack for the way they treated us & the number of times I saw my mother cry over it. As far as I am concerned they are all selfish insufferable jackasses.

      Sometimes it isn’t about you.

    18. Gatomon*

      No I’m 100% with you, and in the same situation (single and childless by choice). Kids events in particular are miserable to me – mostly they don’t care much if you’re there anyway unless you spend other time with the kid to build a relationship. Other parents don’t care as soon as they find out you don’t have a kid.

      I’d hit the big ones like major holidays* and adult birthday celebrations, but opt to just send a small gift or cash + card for birthdays past 2 unless there’s a family-only celebration.

      *Depending on how painful these are I might limit this too. Perhaps you do Christmas and Easter but have plans for Thanksgiving or something.

    19. ...*

      Its certainly your choice whether you go or not, and you could explain that these parties just aren’t for you. He may be hurt but you don’t need to do something you don’t want to do. I do personally enjoy these types of events happening every now and again and I enjoyed my sisters wedding, baby shower, and baby birthdays. You can definitely still throw a life event party like a milestone birthday or a housewarming for buying a home or a pet adoption homecoming party or something. It sounds like you dont enjoy these though, haha, but I love to celebrate live events or exciting moments even if its not kids or wedding related. Ive enjoyed celebrating promotions and houses and birthdays and friends businesses and stuff as live events so dont feel like you cant celebrate other important stuff.

    20. allathian*

      Would your brother be open to you bringing a friend as a +1? That might make things a bit less awkward for you. If your friend is more social, she could be your buffer with the small talk. I’m pretty introvert myself and fundamentally don’t like small talk very much, because it’s so draining. But for people I really care about, I’ll deal with it, even if it means that I don’t want to have anything to do with people for the rest of the weekend or whatever. That said, I guess it helps that my only sibling is even more introverted than I am…

      1. allathian*

        I’m married with an 11-year-old and my sister’s childfree by choice. She has an SO but they don’t live together and both of them are happy with that arrangement.

    21. eeniemeenie*

      What strikes me about your post is your issue on fairness. I have never heard single/childless friends begrudge being a part of their family’s major life events because of an imbalance on the number of each party’s parties. It makes me wonder if there’s a deeper issue here that wasn’t mentioned. I also can’t help but ask, why is it so burdensome to attend these events? I hope that doesn’t come across as snarky because I am not asking sarcastically. Unless your brother gets married multiple times and has sixteen kids, most of the events you mentioned are one-offs or occurs only a couple of times a year. As his kids grow older you likely won’t even be invited to their birthdays.

      Most people attend their sibling’s major life celebrations because they genuinely want to be a part of that celebration – for you it sounds more like a burden you begrudgingly tolerate. Is it because there’s something about your brother or his events that you dislike, or do you hate attending big events in general? If it’s the latter, it’s reasonable to tell your brother you prefer to bow out of attending parties but celebrate in other ways (have a special lunch with him and his family, send a nice gift, etc). If you just don’t want to be a part of celebrating his life events at all, you can do that too – but yeah, this does risk affecting your relationship with him.

    22. RagingADHD*

      It sounds like you have some kind of real disconnect with your brother and his wife. If attending joyful life events feels like a chore, and you resent the fact that he won’t be “forced” to attend any for you…yikes.

      I’m sorry you don’t have the kind of relationship where these would be things to look forward to. I’m especially sorry you seem to have lost the entire rest of your family, since you don’t know anyone. Certainly there’s a self-reinforcing cycle there, if you skip such events or don’t talk to anyone, you can’t get to know anyone better.

      Maybe there’s some grief or trauma around those losses that’s making these events more painful? I don’t know.

      You sound like you’re in a bad place right now, and I hope things get better for you.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I have to agree with this. It doesn’t sound like functional family dynamics and OP you do have my sympathies if that’s the case. Even with people who are not single and childless by choice wouldn’t feel so resentful about attending happy events.

    23. Pennyworth*

      Do you see your brother outside of these events and generally get along? He might be inviting you because it would be unkind to exclude you, but would he mind if you politely declined and made sure to privately celebrate the milestones with visits and gifts? My SIL deliberately excludes my brothers siblings from their milestone celebrations and posts about having the ‘whole family’ present, which stings a bit even though we don’t actually want to attend.

      1. allathian*

        Why do you follow her on social media? Sounds like you don’t have much of a connection with her.

  13. Venus*

    How does your garden grow?

    This year’s drought is having the effect of very few tomatoes, although there are a lot of cherry ones. At least I enjoyed the process. I look forward to digging up potatoes, although I don’t know when to do those.

    1. Anonymath*

      We’ve hit the worst of summer here, so not much is growing. DH pulled the okra trees, so I don’t have to get on a ladder to harvest them daily. Weeds are taking over , and it’s too hot to deal with them now. I’ll tidy up before a Fall planting in October. The teeny peppers are still going and so is the basil, but everything else is pretty much done. We’ve got one avocado still growing and a couple of bunches of bananas. This might be the first year we get ripe bananas from our plants. The papaya trees are all above the fence line, but no signs of buds yet.

    2. GoryDetails*

      My garden’s limited to four self-watering planter boxes, but they’re all doing pretty well – peppers best, eggplant next, tomatoes third, tomatillos last (only had a couple of ripe tomatillos so far). Of the tomatoes, the yellow grape tomatoes are the biggest success; I’ve been snacking off of those daily for weeks, and they’re still producing madly. One other variety had bad blossom-end rot, but another, Aunt Gertie’s Gold (a yellow beefsteak heirloom) has been producing beautiful big tomatoes, very tasty! Though I’m not the only one who found them tasty; something chowed down on almost half of one big tomato. Not just one little bite, as when the chipmunks try to decide if they like something, but massive consumption! I have a wire cage around the planters so I didn’t think anything bigger than a chipmunk could get in, but then I peeped out the window one late afternoon to see a groundhog (!) halfway up the plant. It had found a way to nudge past the wire, and was dining on a mix of tomatoes and, surprisingly, the *leaves* of the eggplant – not the fruit, which it obligingly left for me, but those leaves must be awfully bitter. I’ve reinforced the cages and hope it’ll keep the beggar away for the duration of the season.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      Crappy. Green beans are coming in dried up, which is really odd. My scotch bonnet plants got eaten weeks ago. My jalapenos are growing, though, so I’m hoping in another few weeks I can start making fruit-jalapeno jellies again.

      Right now I’m trying to find books that talk about garden design in the early 1700s (New England). My house was built in 1735 and I have a huge side yard. I really want a large flower and herb garden there, but don’t know where to start. I know I want it to have a more formal design, meaning shaped areas and walkways, but not formal shrubs and things like that. Just defined areas, I guess. I’m absolutely not a gardener and don’t have a clue what should do where or which plant should pair with which, so I’m hoping I can find some resources to give me ideas. I want something that looks like it fits with the age of the house.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Re garden design recommendations:

        AN ISLAND GARDEN by Celia Thaxter, a charming look at her garden on the Isles of Shoals; probably more useful for atmosphere and incentive than specific design (though you can find the layout of the recreated garden online if you want to see what it looks like now!)

        AN EDEN OF SORTS by John Hanson Mitchell, one of several books he’s written about his land near Littleton Massachusetts; a mix of history, garden styles, and native plants.

        And for more specific plans, THEME GARDENS by Barbara Damrosch; the themes include Colonial and other types that might be what you’re looking for, with sketches and layouts and plant information.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Thanks! I just found the layout online and that’s exactly the kind of thing I’m hoping to find.

          I just ordered two books, which arrived today: Early American Gardens: “For Meate or Medicine” and American Gardens in the Eighteenth Century: “For Use or for Delight”. I’m hoping they’ll have some good information, though I’m not seeing much as I’d hoped in the way of illustrations.

            1. The Other Dawn*

              Thank you for that! I checked out his Instagram and he has some beautiful property. It’s giving me some inspiration for my own.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        The local historical society may be a good resource. Ours has a nice little research center (volunteer staffed). You might even get lucky and turn up images of the home in earlier time periods.

      4. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        Try googling “formal herb garden”. I’ve always loved those. “Kitchen garden” or “potager garden” might also be what you are looking for. Just look over the images a bit and see what makes you go oooh.

        Personally, I’d go for a formal circle and spokes center with low herbs, and have it get taller and wilder around the edges.

      5. Pippa K*

        Do you have a favorite fruit-jalapeño jelly recipe that you use? I’m looking for a good one (for canning, not freezer jelly).

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Yes! I’ll post the link below. It will go to moderation, but will be released eventually.

        2. The Other Dawn*

          Both of these are for canning and use liquid pectin. I also included my blog posts so you can see what it looked like and any notes I wrote at the time. For example, the blackberry recipe didn’t make as much as what the recipe said it would.

          Recipes:
          https://bake-eat-repeat.com/jalapeno-pineapple-jelly-recipe/
          https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2018/09/homemade-pineapple-jalapeno-jelly.html

          https://www.southernmadesimple.com/blackberry-jalapeno-pepper-jelly-free-printable/
          https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2018/09/homemade-blackberry-jalapeno-jelly.html

    4. GoryDetails*

      Well dang, my (lengthy) post seems to have disappeared. No links in it to trigger moderation, so…? Anyway, the gist is that I had my first Aunt Gertie’s Gold heirloom tomatoes this week (big yellow beefsteaks), really tasty – but I had to share them with a critter, which turned out to be a woodchuck that was finding its way inside the fencing and was actually climbing the plants to snarf down the ripe fruit! (It was also nibbling the leaves of the eggplant, which seemed really weird; plants in the nightshade family have really bitter leaves. Maybe it has a sophisticated palate?)

    5. Ali G*

      My Fresno and cayenne peppers are gorgeous! I’ve never seen such vivid red! I also have these really pretty yellow ones. Taste testing tonight.
      I don’t have quite enough yet to make hot sauce, but I am hoping in a few weeks. If this works out, I am going to plant twice as many next year. These seem to be the only things I can grow because of all the critters around.

    6. Hotdog not dog*

      Everything is still growing like weeds! Since I became unemployed I have more than enough time to weed, water, and trim, and the extra attention seems to be working. Last week I made several gallons of pomodoro sauce, 5 loaves of zucchini bread, and froze 3 quarts of green beans. Today I’m going to make pesto and see how drying some of the other herbs goes. I’d love to overhaul the perennial bed, but need to watch the budget. Hoping for some good sales at the nursery in September!

      1. Eva Luna*

        Join a local gardening group! There’s one based in a neighborhood a couple of miles from us, and much of what’s in our perennial garden has been given to us by people splitting perennials or changing things up. And they do a giant seed swap and a giant seedling swap every year.

    7. Jules the 3rd*

      US Southeast, we’re having a very wet summer. It was cloudy and cool through June, so everything’s taking a couple weeks longer than usual.

    8. Wishing You Well*

      My backyard is scraped dirt. We’re having construction done and the plant destruction is hard to take. *sigh*
      I hope next year will be better/greener.

    9. Girasol*

      Tomatoes and cukes doing great, corn (planted late in the bed that the peas took up until June) is on the way. Beets, potatoes, and carrots all growing fat, and my first try at salsify. Winter squashes burgeoning. The beans died, both plantings. They just disappeared shortly after they came out. I found out why: an epic assault from pillbugs. Water, it seems, fosters pillbugs, and the usually dry paths between my raised beds happen to be downright swampy this summer even though I’m not overwatering. I think I finally found the culprit: The neighbors are entertaining their bored kiddies with a wading pool, and they empty and refill it next to the fence rather often. I haven’t the heart to ask them to do anything about it now when life is rather difficult, so I’ll put up with swampy paths and do without beans this year. I’m debating installing a french drain or at least flagstones between the beds for my muddy feet, but that has to wait until I can shop more widely than just the monthly grocery run. (My husband has leukemia so I’m doing all I can to reduce our risk of covid.)

      1. Eva Luna*

        Maybe try some cedar chips? We have some between our raised beds and it’s helpful with the mud. Around here you can buy them outdoors at garden centers, or maybe someone near you even delivers?

    10. pieforbreakfast*

      Dig potatoes after they’ve flowered and the leaves start yellowing. You can go early and get new potatoes if you want, just dig from the outer edge of the plant and pick a few without disturbing the main stem.
      I’m at that point in my summer grocery shopping where I buy very little produce and I love it.
      My tomatoes are all dealing with a leaf fungus which is causing them to drop and the a lot of the fruits have cat-face or blossom-end rot. But I cut around the issue and eat them anyway because they are friggin’ delicious. I usually rotate crops every two years and I didn’t this year and I think I’m paying for that.
      Beans awesome. Basil is doing well after a stumbling start. Shishito peppers for the win! Cucumbers out of control. I always plant more than I need and I always am trying to find what to do with them. Usually I have an office to share them with but not this year. I may start dropping on neighbors’ porches .

        1. Eva Luna*

          Most of the food bans around here don’t do perishables, so I decided to set up a weekly produce swap in a local community garden. We just set up a table on Saturday mornings, and people with gardens drop stuff off and people who need food pick stuff up. It’s been a lot of fun! Also our neighborhood is very diverse, so we swap recipe ideas and people try veggies that aren’t part of their regular cuisines. (I’ve never had so many questions about what to do with chard!)

    11. allathian*

      We picked our blackcurrants last weekend. They didn’t give a great harvest this year, but fingers crossed for next year.

    12. Nita*

      Not too bad, lots of tomatoes and a little bit of squash coming up. Our growing season is long, so I’m hoping to plant a few things soon for the fall. I’ve finally got my car back, but I’m scared to leave it parked in my neighborhood because I can’t afford any more post-burglary repairs… I guess I won’t be working on the garden even once a week now. Hopefully once every 2-3 weeks will be enough at this point. My parents are handling the day-to-day watering, and getting lots of fresh tomatoes for their trouble :)

    13. Lena Clare*

      It’s pretty good out front! I do need to do some weeding today, but nothing major. It should only take a few minutes I hope.
      It was cool because my mechanic called round yesterday and noticed. He commented on the garden out front and said it looked nice!

      I have booked prople to sort out the backyard. That’s getting dug out and flagged at the end of October. I then will need to wire brush and paint the walls myself. It’s a huge job but needs to be done. I want to also insert some hooks along the tops of the walls to hang lights from, and I’m going to have fun planning the small garden bit so can’t wait for that bit but am kind of dreading the diy stuff lol!

      Out in the alley the neighbours have continued to weed and it looks pretty clear for most of it, although there is still a lot to do. The worst bit is around the neighbours directly either side of me and they won’t come out to help, so I’ve been trying to do it by myself which is hard work. Every time I clear the weeds they come back even stronger the next week. It’s like day of the triffids.

    14. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I managed to get a good zucchini and there are a couple of other edible ones getting close. There are flowers and tiny tomatoes on a few plants but they are nowhere close to ripe yet. I also realised that the reason why one of my zucchini plants has stopped producing any flowers is that the poor thing is completely covered in aphids. I thought I had splashed it with soil when I dumped a bucket of water on it. I moved the pot to the other side of the house away from any other plants and I will try to remove the worst of them but I think it’s a goner.

      I have been radically trimming and reducing a hedge and I had a massive pile of branches to deal with. I ended up using them to build a kind of woven compost bin over the area of the garden that had been overshadowed by an overgrown evergreen tree for the past 12 years at least. That spot has been very dried out and depleted so I’m hoping that by composting all the weeds and leaves over this spot for a while I can revive the soil and plant stuff on it next year. In the meantime I have a funky contraption that seems to be discouraging the neighbourhood cats, so that’s a bonus.

    15. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      The cucumbers are doing well: the new plants are growing quickly and the existing vines are putting out new flowers. Only a few cherry tomatoes, alas.

      I have ordered strawberry plants, to plant this fall for harvest next spring, and am feeling wonderfully organized.

  14. AvonLady Barksdale*

    A financial question! My grandmother passed away suddenly (it’s been a very tough week) and I learned that I am the beneficiary of her IRA. It’s not a huge amount after taxes, but it’s a good cushion of extra funds at the moment. I will use part of it to pay off a small amount of credit card debt, and after that, one option would be to pay off my student loans. If I do that, I will still have a little left, but I’m slightly hesitant. I have two consolidated loans and an expected repayment date of August 2025.

    PROS:
    Getting the debt paid, which is, generally, important to me, even though my credit score is pretty high.
    Relieving myself of the monthly payment during this time– my already not-great pay was cut due to COVID-19.

    CONS
    Interest is pretty low.
    The monthly payment is not a hardship even if it’s annoying.
    There are a few other things I’m trying to save for, like a down payment on a house.
    I would feel more at ease in general if I had a cushion in case I lose my job (though I would still have enough for a few months of expenses).
    My dog needs surgery (found out the day of the funeral, he has a potentially malignant growth, 2020 can suck it) and I’m worried that his insurance won’t cover enough, especially if he needs follow up treatment, so it would be nice to have that money available. (But between me and my partner, we could handle it.)

    So what would you do? Pay it all asap? Does it make sense to, maybe, repay one loan and not the other? Is it true that carrying this particular debt is not really a big deal so I should just keep on as I have been?

    1. Asenath*

      I’m sorry for your loss.

      I’m no financial expert, but when I’ve gotten my hands on a bit of unexpected money, I’ve generally split it – so much towards debt, so much towards savings (including the savings I set aside for pet emergencies) and generally some (even if its only a little bit) just to spend. The exception was when I could wipe out a debt I’d been really looking forward to paying off, but it sounds like you can manage paying your debt and don’t have high interest debt. Another possibility is just leaving it there – I think in some cases you can leave the money in an IRA in your name and not pay taxes until you take it out.

      1. Lifelong student*

        There are rules about how long you can leave money in an IRA- it is not indefinitely. There are ways to minimize the tax impact.

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        There are weird rules for inherited IRAs! I still haven’t wrapped my head around them all. But from what I could gather, it just made more sense to do something with the entirety. I think there’s something about how I would have to withdraw all of it within 5 years or something like that. If it had been more money, I would have kept a bit liquid and invested the rest.

    3. Venus*

      I enjoyed watching Til Debt Do Us Part and she has told people to allocate their funds to savings (retirement), emergency funds, and big spending (down payment) as much as debt repayment. Especially when it is low interest! I know it’s hard for me as I want the debt gone, yet there’s no good reason because it is so low interest. I would split it, same as Asenath.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Yeah, I think that’s where I’m leaning. Low interest debt with a high credit score can’t really hurt me that much. There’s always the option of waiting and taking care of immediate priorities first, like the cc debt and my buddy’s vet bills, then I can always pay off the loans down the road.

          1. The Cosmic Avenger*

            That’s what I am favoring right now, when savings accounts or even bonds will not get you as much interest as the rate on a really low-interest loan. I’d favor paying off the debts completely, then putting the money that you were paying on debt each month into a house fund. You will not have a cash cushion, but you will have the cushion of having more free cash every month and no debt payments. If you had a big emergency expense, you might have to take out a loan and…you’d be back where you are now, with outstanding loans, right?

            But there’s nothing wrong with splitting the difference, either, for the reasons you gave, if the interest rate is really that low.

            The main thing I would advise is to be careful as the withdrawals will probably be considered income, so if you can spread it out over the 10 years it might be better for you, tax-wise. But if you were planning on retiring in 10 years or less, you could withdraw all of it after you stopped earning income, which would ease the tax burden.

          2. Jules the 3rd*

            But that delays the house downpayment.

            It really boils down to timing and discipline – if you’re looking to get a house ‘soonish’ (at a guess, within 3 years) AND are confident that you can keep yourself from spending it, then keep the post-cc-payment inheritance as cash. If it’s going to be more than three years, pay off the student loan and work to put the payments aside as savings.

            The problem I’ve run into as we pay off debt is that I’m only putting part of the payments towards savings / retirement. We have been expanding our lifestyles a little. I don’t think going from ‘$20 for sushi 1x/mo’ to ‘$20 for sushi 2-3x/mo’ is badly extravagant, but I do get the occasional pang over it when the bill for the new doors / AC for the house come due.

            1. WellRed*

              I’m not a fan of buying a house while having any significant other debt. Others will disagree but as long as I can’t pay off student loans, I don’t consider myself in a place to buy.

              1. MsChanandlerBong*

                Same here. I could go out and buy a house now, but I don’t think it would be smart to do so. I probably won’t wait until my student loans are paid off, but I will wait until all my other debt (a couple credit cards and about $10K worth of medical bills) is paid off, I have a six-month emergency fund, and I have at least 10% to put down (my credit union is doing conventional mortgages with only 5% down and no PMI, but I’d rather put down 10%).

              2. Venus*

                This can depend on the cost of renting versus buying in your area. In some cities and towns it is much cheaper to buy, and someone will be better off financially in the long-term if they buy a home while having student loans. I can appreciate that it works for you, but there are so many different circumstances and sometimes having a mortgage and student loans is the better financial choice.

          3. Colette*

            The issue with that is that it takes time – and given the general instability in the job market, savings is probably the better choice right now.

    4. Ali G*

      Definitely pay all the credit card debt.
      I also waffle on the student loans. I have 12 years left on mine, but recently paid off the higher loan and my monthly payment was cut in half, so I decided to not do it.
      Could you see how much your monthly payment would decrease if you just paid one? That way you still have a chunk f change if you need it for the pup (ugh I am so sorry, 2020 can literally GF itself), and reduce your payment. You only have ~5 years left which isn’t that long, so you aren’t really saving yourself much interest by paying it all off.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Ooh, cool, thank you– weirdly, it didn’t even occur to me that my monthly payment would decrease if I paid one off in full (my brain is not all there right now). That might help with the mental pay-it-all-off-now while still keeping the cushion.

        And for sure, the credit card is number one. It’s only about $1k and I was planning to use my bonus to get rid of it… until bonuses stopped.

        1. Natalie*

          Since your monthly payment is manageable, if you apply some of this to your student loan debt consider paying the same amount even after your required monthly payment goes down. You’ll have some of the cash available, the option to drop down to the minimum required payment if necessary, and you’ll pay the remaining loan faster and thus pay less interest.

          retain the flexibility to

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I got a little bit of money ahead a while ago. The very first thing I did was get help for my dog. He had thrown his back and hips out of alignment with all his shenanigans and bouncing around. It reached a point where he could not stand or walk. He was 5 years old at the time. I got his structural issues taken care of and I got him some stuff to help with calming so he did not bounce so much and continue to hurt himself so badly. All this was 4 digits out of pocket.
      I could have put that money toward, you know, very practical things. I am here to say, NO REGRETS about taking care of the dog first. It felt so good to get him proper care.

    6. BRR*

      Ugh I’m sorry for the rough time. I think it depends on how much you have in emergency savings. How long will it realistically take you to find a job in your field? I’m not sure a few months is enough in this day and age.

    7. Aerin*

      So sorry for your loss.

      In addition to what others have said, I hold onto the hope that there will be some sort of student loan relief/forgiveness on the horizon. So if you’re managing your payments fine and have other concerns, definitely handle those other things first.

    8. fposte*

      My condolences on your loss.

      I think once you pay off the CC debt it becomes pretty situationally dependent on interest rate, amount, etc. I would do a spreadsheet figuring the different alternatives. How much do you want to have in your emergency fund? If you pay off the loans, how long will it take you to save that up, using the money that would have been loan payments, and how much will you save in interest?

      On the IRA: It used to be that you could stretch inherited IRAs out for nearly forever, but that ended, so there’s no need to try to preserve this one as part of your retirement. However, you don’t say that it’s a Roth–have you figured out what taxes you’d pay if you withdrew all the money this year, and what tax effect stretching the withdrawals out for a few years would have?

    9. I'm A Little Teapot*

      You don’t have to commit the money to one thing. Pay off the credit card. Bank the rest of the money for now. You can always make a lump payment to the student loans later.

      Not sure the rules on inherited IRAs, so make sure you do your research. It’s not just like a checking account. And remember, you don’t pay tax on inheritances. The estate would pay any taxes. (disregarding the inherited IRA part) Not sure if you were clear on that, so just stating it.

      1. fposte*

        I don’t think AvonLady Barksdale was the heir of the estate, though, just of the inherited IRA. That being said, ALB, it sounds like you were thinking you needed to withdraw it all and pay taxes this year, and you can space the withdrawals and taxes out over 5 years.

          1. AvonLady Barksdale*

            So many new rules! Yeah, I know i have time but also that there’s a limit. It’s a small enough amount that I just prefer to cash it now. It’s more use to me if it’s liquid, just a matter of allocation.

    10. Dan*

      I’ve spent my adult life, for one reason or another, managing debt. It’s only recently where my emergency fund had more than $500 in it.

      First things first, pay off the credit card debt. As far as the student loans, it all depends on what the interest rate is. I still owe close to $40,000, but my rate is 1.9%. My monthly interest payments are $70, and I expect to pay off the balance in full in about 4 years. My monthly payments are around $750.

      I am in no hurry to pay off that balance. In the COVID-19, I don’t care how stable one thinks their job is — pretty much everybody’s job is at risk depending on how this thing plays out. Having cash in the bank gives you options, which is really important. If the interest payments were killing you, that’s a different story, but cash in the bank is a better play.

    11. RC Rascal*

      Dealing with this right now. If you haven’t already taken the distribution consider rolling it into an inherited IRA. you will then have to take Required Minimum Distributions over a 10 year period. This was you will minimize tax burden & total value of inheritance will be about double provided you invest it properly over the 10 years.

    12. Oxford Comma*

      My condolences on your grandmother’s death.

      I personally would pay off all the credit card debt and then do my best to pay any balance off in full going forward. With the balance, maybe portion it out. So much for savings, so much toward your dog’s surgery, some on the student loans–can you pay one off or a portion of one? and then maybe use a small part of it to do something fun.

      As long as you don’t have late payments, installment debt, which is what your students loans are considered is “good debt.” But that said, I got to a point where I could have just made the monthly payments but I was sick of them and it and I was fortunately able to pay them off in full and I did, but I waited till I had more of a safety cushion.

  15. Grim*

    SF Bay Area native here. I’m in the east bay and have been closed up in my home 24/7 up since last weekend. Currently at 187 on the AQI smoke index at 4:40am. Thank goodness for our AC, which was installed 5 years ago.

    Friends in the Santa Cruz Mountains have been evacuated and one has had their home burn to the ground. Really hard on them; most had time to pact up before leaving, but how much can fit into a car? Not much. Also hard on the fire crews, many now working 48 hour shifts, shorthanded without enough resources; Just enough to help douse the flames to aid the evacuations, but not enough to contain the fires, most of which are at zero containment.

    I can concur about climate change impacting California. Here in the Bay Area, we had a wonderful Mediterranean climate year round but not anymore. We now have drought, heatwaves, population growth due to jobs, now massive fires. But I’ll never move away; all my family and friends live here and how many can say they can fish, camp, hike, snow ski, sail the sea and water ski all within a 4 hour drive?

    My question is when will the current fires end? Looks like many more weeks and we’re due for more tropical storms with lightening coming up from Mexico early next week.

    Now if I could buy some N95 respirators…

    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      Another Bay Area resident here. I hear you. A friend’s house has burned down. As for when the fires will end, I anticipate that won’t be until it rains this winter eventually. Honestly, I’ll settle for containment at this point.

      There’s a thread further up with a lot of comments with the heading California Wildfires.

    2. PollyQ*

      Part of the problem is that with all the fires breaking out at the same time, and the # of firefighters available reduced due to COVID, none of the fires is getting the full resources needed to fight them. So, unfortunately, I think the answer to “when will they end?” probably is “many more weeks.” Right now, I’m hoping that the possible lightning storms don’t actually happen, or if they do, that they won’t spawn too many fires.

  16. Erika22*

    I see there’s already a couple other moving/home questions this weekend, so how about another: for those of you who own a home, how did you decide when and where to buy?

    In the past decade I’ve lived in nine different apartments/houses in four cities (in two countries), and five of those places have been with my now husband. Our current flat is cute and cozy (read: small). Lockdown/pandemic has made us want to get a bigger place further out of the city, and since we’re getting older and plan to have a kid someday, we’re considering buying something. There’s a bit of time pressure because my husband is the main earner and plans to quit his job in a few months, so we’d like to move before that happens. We’ve agreed it makes sense to rent for the first year in our new area before committing to a house anyway. We can hold tight in our current flat but it’ll be rough during winter and SAD if we aren’t going into the office.

    We’re researching areas based on needs and wants, but what I’m finding is that I don’t want to move so far from the city as I was fantasizing during the height of lockdown. It feels like we can’t really decide where we want to try living, and I feel like part of that is the reluctance to say “this is it, we’re staying here for the next 5-10 years” when we’re so used to moving and living new places. I’m still not sure if we’re even ready to “settle down” in this sense!

    Anyone have advice on at what point they decided to buy a home and where? Or anyone in a similar situation?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I bought instead of continuing to rent because I had two dogs, 70 and 50 pounds, and finding rentals that would allow them was more hassle than I wanted to deal with. Also I was tired of moving regularly and REALLY tired of crappy landlords/management companies.

      1. Erika22*

        Yes getting a pet is a huge +1 in the buy column for us! It’s so hard to find places that allow them!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          One of my requirements was a yard that was (or, worst case, could be) fenced. I ended up with a 1/3 acre and a six foot shadow box fence already in place. We moved into my house the week of my younger dog’s first birthday, and she was so beat from playing outside in her backyard that we had to literally carry her to bed the first two weeks straight because she’d just conk right out in the middle of the living room floor. We joke that I bought the house as her birthday present :)

    2. Ali G*

      I decided to buy because:
      I have moving
      Wanted to be able to paint, renovate, decorate (hey that rhymes!)
      Wanted pets
      I was also in a position to do so at the bottom of the market from the bubble burst in 2008, so it made financial sense.
      I have since moved twice, but once into my husbands place before we got married, and now into our jointly owned forever home (or at least 20 years).

    3. Asenath*

      I decided to buy at a time when my friends all advised me not to because my economic situation wasn’t all that secure – I had a decent-paying job, but it was clear it wasn’t a long-time option. I’d managed to get a temporary assignment in a city I liked instead of in my official location, which I disliked more and more as time went on. I was renting in a centrally located small old house, and I knew my excellent landlady was thinking of selling. I knew the house needed work, but the location was excellent for me and I like the historic feeling of the area. I also wanted some security, without the possibilities of noisy neighbours and rent increases if I continued to rent. And then I got my hands on some unexpected income for some extra work I did. So I bought the house I was living in, quite cheaply (my landlady was very reasonable, and I knew all the flaws of the place), and when, as I more or less expected, my job ended, I had a foothold in the city and neighbourhood where I wanted to live and a mortgage that was fixed for several years and less than I’d pay for a nice apartment. It worked out extremely well for me. Eventually, I realized that my fondness for old houses and their renovation and maintenance was best expressed by watching other people do it on TV, and, having held down a new job for a number of years by then, I sold it for what I could get which provided enough money to put a good downpayment on a nice apartment-style condo, all on one level, in excellent condition, and with any exterior maintenance done by the board. I’m staying here until they carry me out feet-first. My old house, which I remember fondly when I don’t think of the roof leaks and plumbing problems, was renovated beautifully, if you can go by the photos, but has been re-sold a couple of times so I wonder if some flaws still exist.

      1. Erika22*

        Yes to a mortgage lower than rent! That’s also a draw of buying. But like you I’m not a reno person – I’d be inclined to fix like one major thing but if it requires too much work at point of sale I don’t think we’d buy it.

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I wanted to buy. I knew it. I wanted to stay in one place, I wanted to be able to paint and decorate without worrying about the landlord.

      As for where – I narrowed it down to a general region, then was researching specific towns as I saw houses I liked. I did not decide I wanted to live in Laketown and only look in Laketown. Others can do it differently, but it worked pretty well for me.

    5. Aerin*

      We bought because we were sick of living in apartments (well, I certainly was, with the awful noisy neighbors we had on literally all sides) and because the house rental market in our area is basically non-existent. But we also wanted the ability to paint and make changes as we saw fit. Our credit wasn’t great at the time so we ended up staying in the apartment for an additional year while we paid stuff back. We also got a savings-secured loan which was a big help in that front, because basically the money went into our savings account and was automatically paid back out of it, so we didn’t have to do anything once we’d gotten it.

      We’re actually at the point where we’re considering moving again. We’ve been in this house 7 years, and while it feels weird to say that a 3BR house feels small for 2 adults, the layout sucks. Everything is cramped and narrow and there are barely any closets. So now the question is if we want to buy or build. Our current location is honestly a dream: close to three different freeways so it’s really easy to get to work and around the city, immediate neighborhood is quiet but within about a mile is just about all the shopping we could need, gas station, two libraries, plenty of restaurants, all that. So just tearing down and rebuilding something that’s a big bigger and fits our specific needs is looking more and more appealing, since anything prebuilt that we buy would probably need some work and we already own this land.

      Sadly it’s something that will probably have to wait a while. Spouse had to take a pay cut to change fields so he’s trying to get either a raise at his current job or to find something else that gets him at least back to where he was. So that’s first on the agenda before we can talk to the bank or an architect.

      1. Erika22*

        I get what you mean about the space just not being proportioned well – I’ve been mentally knocking down walls in our flat and sighing over the possible space. Good luck getting everything in place to start that journey, it sounds really exciting to design something from scratch just for you!

    6. Jules the 3rd*

      We bought when I got my first post-grad school job. I could pay the mortgage on just my income, hubs could go back and finish his degree, and we got a big enough house to have a roommate for a few years, until we were ready for a kid.

      – My job was with a company I really liked, and that had lots of room for me to grow
      – Our metro area was high-growth, with lots of jobs in both my and my husband’s fields
      – I was 30, in a long-term relationship, and talking about kids / retirement
      – We had a prior roommate looking for a place for 18mo

      Everything just came together for us and it seemed like the right time and place.

    7. Long drives*

      We first bought because the rental market was expensive with slim pickings. We saw a townhouse that at the end of the day, was nicer than the rentals and less per month in mortgage payments. Location was key.

    8. No Tribble At All*

      We were sick of the apartment complex having sudden inspections (think 1 a month for 6 months!) and for paying cat rent. Then Amazon announced they were putting a new HQ in the area and my husband turns to me and says “okay so we should buy, like, now.”

    9. T. Boone Pickens*

      I ended up buying a lot because I couldn’t really find anything that blew my doors off. I really wanted to find a house that either backed up to a wooded area or was a little isolated from my neighbors as I’ve been living in apartments for 10 years now and I just…kind of want some space you know? It got to a point after looking at my 30th house I just thought…geez why not just buy a lot and build exactly what you want? So that’s what my plan is.

    10. Reba*

      Like you, I have lived in several places, and for the past few years I feel like I go back and forth between “clearly I am a City Person” and “I’m ready to have my home on the remote mountaintop now!” And these days, of course it’s like why are we living in a city again, hmm…

      It is wise to rent for a while before buying in a location. Once we did not do that, and it became a major regret. In our current place (condo) we bought a unit about 4 blocks away from our old apartment :D Honestly we got TIRED of moving, maybe you will get to that point too, or maybe not!

      Housing in my city is pretty bonkers, so we were able to significantly upgrade our space without paying much more per month in mortgage payment+HOA than our rent (which increased every year, even in a rent controlled building!). That was the main realization that pushed us to seriously shop for a condo. Some kinds of units were available to buy that were not really available to rent.

      I’m grateful we are not riding through the pandemic in our old place, with loud and mean neighbors, not quite enough space and not quite enough sunshine.

    11. Firefly*

      My husband and I lived in 11 places in 10 years before we bought our house. We had thought we wanted to live in a small town after many years in several cities, but ended up renting in a small town when I got a temporary job and…nope. We ended up buying an hour from there in a mid-size city that we’d spent a lot of time in. We knew we were ready to buy when I had a job with long-term possibilities, and when our finances were such that our mortgage payments were lower than renting. We ended up going with a much smaller house that we’d planned in exchange for a much better neighbourhood and a large fenced yard for dog and kid. That was ten years ago, and I’m never leaving!

    12. allathian*

      We bought a lot and built our house 9 years ago. Three of my husband’s friends decided to move into a particular area and we started looking for a lot there. We had to make a few compromises but at least they were ours. The mortgage we’re paying is a lot cheaper than renting a house of anywhere near the same size would be. We have 5 bedrooms, one of them is our library/movie room and another’s our office. Our son has a room for gaming, schoolwork and computer stuff upstairs and a separate bedroom downstairs. This has been a blessing during the current pandemic, because I WFH in the office, our son goes to remote school (our schools are open, but he has a slight cough now and kids need to be at home if they have any respiratory symptoms at all) from his gaming room and my husband has a computer set up in our bedroom. With a headset each we can all be on video calls at the same time without getting on each other’s nerves.
      Our house is built on a slope and half of downstairs is below ground level (our 3-shower bathroom, utility room and sauna – I’m in Finland and most one-family houses have one – are underground), which really helps to keep it cool even in the hottest weather. We have a portable AC unit upstairs for really hot days.

      Now that I’ve written all of this down I realize it sounds like we’re fabulously rich. We aren’t, but we just decided to invest most of our disposable income in our house. Other people put their money in fancy cars (we have two cars that actually get driven, both are about 15 years old, and my husband has a project car that gets maybe 500 miles on the odometer each year and that’s from 1988) or on spending most of their by American standards very generous vacations traveling, etc. As you can imangine, we’re happier than ever with this choice in these times.

    13. Windchime*

      I bought my current house because I was taking a job nearby and my sister also lived here. Nine years later, my job is now remote and my sister has moved, so there is no reason for me to continue living in the traffic and the endless, endless rain. So I’m in the process of starting to look for a house in a lower cost of living. Will it be my forever house? I don’t know. Maybe. But I’ve learned over the years that if I can love one house, I can love another. This is a nice house, but I can find another nice house.

    14. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      We were living in a crappy flat in an old Victorian building which was cold and drafty and the landlord’s method of fixing leaks was to stuff old blankets into the area. (Seriously – our flat was accessed by a staircase leading up through a utility area and there was water on the floor and mushrooms growing out of the wall at the bottom of the stairs where a pipe was leaking behind the wall. He tore off the plasterboard and stuffed an old bedspread into the wall, then covered it with a board. He did something similar under the bathtub). So we wanted to move into a better place as soon as possible.

      My husband was working in a different nearby city so we wanted to move there. We looked at places that were close to public transportation and other local amenities like a small supermarket and were affordable. We did consider renting in the city centre but our current place is only 10 minutes by train in normal times and it was less expensive to pay the mortgage than to rent, and we have more space than we would have had. It’s been nice to be in a slightly more suburban area because we have a garden and open space nearby. We’d be unlikely to make a profit if we sold this house as the market around here has been pretty static for years, but it would at least probably sell fairly easily if we decided to move.

    15. Jay*

      We rented and moved almost annually for ten years before we bought a house. We wanted to buy a house because we wanted to make it ours and my husband desperately wanted a yard – he’s a farmer at heart. We bought THE HOUSE. The one we said we’d stay in until they moved us to the nursing home. The one with an orchard and a garden and a pool. We renovated the kitchen so it was perfect for us. Once our daughter was born we realized immediately that the location was impossible. We were both commuting in opposite directions. Her daycare and our social lives were in the city where I worked, over an hour from my husband’s job. We’d never found a community where we actually lived. My husband really didn’t want to move. We argued about it for a while, and then I changed jobs and took a pay cut and we had to downsize. He was angry, but went along with it. I decided I was never again going to think a house was permanent and would focus on whether it was working for us now, not what I wished for in the future.

      We moved to the city where I work and bought a house that was fine. Not perfect, but fine. The yard is much smaller – but he can actually finish the projects he starts because it’s much more manageable. He commuted for a year and then found a job locally. Until my daughter was 12, everything she did was within a mile of our house – her school, her dance classes, the playground, her friends. There are two supermarkets within two miles (we go to the further one because it’s Wegmans. Enough said). When we had more money we put it into renovations instead of moving to a “better” house. We’ve now been here almost 20 years and plan to stay after retirement unless and until we need a first floor master, which would be difficult to create.

      tl;dr: for us, location and affordability trumped everything else. We wanted to own because we wanted to have complete control over the house and yard, and we realized we needed to live where we had community. Nothing is forever; if this house stopped working for us, we’d sell it. We deliberately bought in an area that is fully built up – there’s no new construction in this neighborhood and houses sell fairly quickly, so we won’t be stuck with it. We’re not house poor. The house serves us, not the other way around.

      1. Erika22*

        This is super useful and reassuring, thank you! I think we get so focused on the permanence of buying and worry so much about it being THE house that we forget it’s not necessarily forever, just for as long as it serves our needs.

        1. Jay*

          Exactly! That’s one of the best arguments for not being house poor (and there are SO MANY OTHERS). The people I know who regret buying mostly fall into a couple of categories: they bought something because someone else thought they should, or they bought a house as a financial investment and their future depended on the appreciation in value. It may be an investment. In many areas of the country, real estate is a good bet – but not everywhere, and not always. So buy if that’s what works for your life right now and buy the place that works for your life right now. In our area, real estate costs are low relatively to the rest of the country but rents are comparatively high. Since we’ve been in this house so long and have refinanced twice, our current mortgage payment is about 1/3 what we’d pay in rent for a decent townhome, and probably 1/5 what it would cost to rent a house this size. Of course, we have a lot of expenses we wouldn’t have if we rented, so it’s not a simple apples-to-apples comparison. You’ll figure it out.

    16. Potatoes gonna potate*

      My husband and I started discussing moving earlier this summer and we weren’t really sure where to go. Eventually we settled on New Jersey as it’s close enough to where we currently are and still within a 12 hour drive of where his family is. Other than that, our budget really controlled a lot of factors. I’ve already decided that wherever we end up moving will be temporarily, 3-5 years until we have a bigger budget.

  17. nep*

    Anyone use dealdash dot com? I’ve heard of it, but never ventured onto the site to see what’s up and how it works? Legit? Good deals?

    2. mreasy*

      We looked at it awhile back and the “deals” end up not being so great when your fee per bid/etc is factored in. It seems scammy to me.

    3. KuklaRed*

      Scam. Scammity scam scam. They keep getting shut down on fraud charges and then reopening with a different name. Stay away.

  18. Teapot Translator*

    I want to hear about other people experiences with ailing elderly parents and whether you chose to live with them or not and why.
    My dad is sick and will probably die of his illness, we just don’t know when (a month from now? a year from now?); it all depends how he responds to treatment. In the meantime, he doesn’t feel secure being alone at home, particularly at night so he wants someone to stay with him at night. None of us (my siblings and I) has enough space to have him move in with us. I feel like moving in with him is asking too much. It’s a lot to take on.
    So, I want to hear about how it went for you. What worked, what didn’t work, what you wished you’d known before making the decision, etc.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I think the number one thing to do is find out his thoughts on this question. None of our parents moved in with us. My father was the one parent we would consider living with because he was flexible and considerate. My MIL did not want to live with any of her children because HER MIL lived with her and that was not a good story.

      If you do move your dad in with you, it would probably be wise to think of it as temporary. One or two people cannot provide 24 hour care for a person and still keep a job. In these scenarios the caregiver often times ends up in the ER.

    2. Amethyst*

      I lived with my paternal grandmother for nearly 4 years & it left me with PTSD, a side of the family I don’t talk to anymore as they revealed themselves to be deeply dysfunctional & toxic, & a vow to never be in the position of caretaker for an elderly person ever again. What I didn’t know going in was that she was an extremely abusive woman (which explains why we had extremely limited interactions with her growing up, but I was never told just how toxic the woman was until I got it firsthand. Even my mother says that my story is much, much worse than her own with that woman.). My answer is based on that, which…admittedly, I’m very biased based on my horrific experience with her.

      I wouldn’t do it. Even if your father is a nice guy, I wouldn’t. When you inevitably have an argument (or even a heated discussion), where would you go to cool off? Where would your safe place be in a home that’s his & that he could chase you into in order to continue that argument/discussion? Where would you go that would guarantee you your own mental & emotional space so you could recharge & decompress?

      If your father develops serious side effects of medication (or something else) he’s taking that may include personality changes & cognitive function changes, how would you go about getting him the help he needs? My concern is (because this actually happened to me) that if he becomes violent toward you & you call the police to protect yourself, they aren’t going to do much, if anything at all because he’s elderly. They’ll make a report to APS who’ll come out to investigate & make sure *your father* is safe *from you*. Because this is exactly what APS did to me: They blamed *me* for the woman’s behavior when I’d done nothing at all except breathe. I learned that APS takes the stance of “Elderly people are nice & kind & sweet so any reports of violence done by them is wrong & it’s the reporter who committed violence toward the elderly person.” So I’d really keep that in mind.

      I would stay safe inside my own home & have an overnight nurse or home care aide to stay with him. They are trained to handle all kinds of situations. You are not. They have the experience under their belt to handle all different types of personalities. You don’t. You have the baggage of being So & So’s daughter that may result in him deciding he doesn’t have to listen to you because you’re the child & he’s the parent. They don’t have that baggage. AND you can keep your sanctuary, & the nurse/whoever you hire to stay with him can go home at the end of his shift & decompress & recharge.

      1. Summersun*

        Unfortunately, I agree with this. My elderly uncle is currently seeking help in dealing with his wife, whose dementia has her telling her friends that he regularly locks her out of the house and steals from her. Getting her support and medical treatment has turned into protecting himself from her accusations.

    3. LuckySophia*

      After grandma died, grandpa didn’t want to/was afraid to be alone in his house at night, so his multiple adult children (most of whom lived nearby) took turns staying overnight in his home. They worked out a rotating schedule…(and frequently had to swap dates among themselves). Sometimes a different person came each evening and stayed through breakfast, or maybe lunch; or they advance-prepared his dinner and put it in the oven or fridge before they left. Sometimes one person would stay for several days in a row. Among them, they juggled stuff like helping him with laundry, or shopping for his groceries or taking him to Dr. appointments once he quit driving. It was mostly “workable”…but the main issues revolved around what I’d call “unequal division of labor.” Some of the adult kids didn’t do their fair share, either by not performing a relatively equal number of nights on duty…or they showed up, but blatantly ignored the extra tasks like helping with laundry, or meal prep. Grandpa turned out to remain surprisingly healthy, so this “night companion” situation went on for about a decade, which ultimately took a toll on the couple of adult kids who were more attentive to his needs and ended up “covering” for their sibs who so often had Reasons Why They Just Couldn’t Show Up on Their Assigned Night After All.

      Your situation is different; your dad’s illness imposes a timeline that is much more finite. But, illness imposes additional/special caretaker demands of its own. I’d say IF you & your sibs are considering being “overnight companions” to your dad in his home…you all need to sit down in advance and be really clear and honest about who is or is not able to commit their time and energy on a reliable and consistent basis. And then be willing to hold each other accountable over time to whatever commitments were made originally.

      I wish you and your sibs and your father well.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        That’s kind of our plan. My grandfather doesn’t want to leave his home. My mother– his only child– will be here for a few weeks, but when she goes home his great-nephews will rotate (they’re all in their 20s and live at home). He also has a home aide who will come in occasionally, and he has a woman who comes to clean and her husband who takes him grocery shopping. So it can work if people live nearby.

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Honestly, as hard as it is, he may need to move into assisted living or whatever is appropriate. Alternatively, if the money is available, hire caretakers.

      I wouldn’t move in permanently with my parents. I have my own life. That doesn’t mean I won’t try to help them out, but there does come a point where they have to be willing to help themselves.

    5. Public Health Nerd*

      I tried moving in with my chronically ill mom (and otherwise stable dad) and grandma while Grandma was recovering from an accident. It almost wiped out our relationship permanently.

      What’s worked a lot better is I help them find caregivers to spend the night as needed who they hire and pay. I think it works better to have a boundary between My Kid and The Person Who Bathes Me, at least most of the time. It also gives them more control over the situation- if they hate it, they can fire their caregiver. But you can’t fire your kid. (Easily anyhow)

      These days, I go over and help as a one-off solution, but if it’s long term, I help them find someone. (Often a RN/LPN/etc friend who wants extra cash).

    6. Anonyme*

      How many siblings do you have? It wouldn’t have to be an all or nothing. Perhaps each of you could do a week or a few nights at a time? If you are able to split for home health aide for 1-2 nights a week who can also help with bathing that might make it more manageable. No one person feels stuck with a permanent move. Other possibilities include:
      – meal delivery services
      – lifeline service if no one can stay, your dad can press the button and have emergency services respond.
      – hiring a housekeeper.

    7. Books and cats*

      This is such a personal and situational decision.
      First, you have my empathy. My father’s leukemia diagnosis came with “not if, but when” .
      1. Rotating night care in his home between you and your siblings could work. Especially during the beginning if he doesn’t need much physical care, just someone there and maybe basic household chores.
      2. Depending on finances, pool your money and hire a day or night aide.(when my grandparents lived with us when I was a kid, Aunt on the other side of the country paid for a housekeeper)
      3. Contact your local Area on Aging. You can find it on line. They can also be a great place for resources and some financial help with aides, if he qualifies. (Pre covid, furloughed for now, I worked at the library, in senior services.)
      4. If his condition has an organization, such as American Cancer Society or, in our case, Leukemia/Lymphoma Society, contact them.
      5. Don’t forget other extended family and friends who my want/be willing to help. That relative that’s a recent grad might be happy to live in for companionship during the week, even working during the day, (rent free, of course) and you and your siblings could cover weekends.
      6. Don’t forget to take care of you during this time!!! Your emotions will go high and low, that’s okay! Do what you need to in order to weather this storm!!
      My sister and I live 1 1/2 miles apart. I live a “field and a dirt road” across from my parents house. I literally put on shoes and ran there once when Mom called, from shoes to inside, one minute! We did it with only home health taking care of ports and such. But, that was our circumstances with great relationship all around. Not everyone has those luxuries.
      Wishing you and your family the best of outcomes.

    8. AcademiaNut*

      I agree that moving in with him is a big ask. Some things to consider, though:

      – what is it about being alone, particularly at night, that worries your dad. Could it be solved by some other means (a medic alert system, for example)

      – talk to your Dad’s doctor, with his permission. What is the prognosis of the disease, what sort of help and level medical care will he need as it progresses? How long could the current state (able to live alone, not comfortable doing so) last? Will you be providing company or acting as a nursing aid (bathing him, for example). Will you need to hire medical help even if he has someone living with him?

      – what is the current situation of you and your siblings? Single? Coupled? Kids? Do you work outside the home? Do you own or rent?

      – what is your relationship with your Dad and siblings? Do you get along well, can you discuss difficult topics calmly. Can you depend on your siblings to reliably and fairly share the work and worry? How many siblings are there to spread things around, and are they local vs distant?

      – how much money can you put into this? Can you hire an aide to live with him, and take turns giving the aide time off? Can you afford assisted living?

      1. No fan of Chaos*

        Some things I have learned by experience. If he still drives, put a locater like LoJack on his car. You never know if you need to find him. If he walks, insist he always carries his phone (in case you have an emergency). Put wi-fi cameras in his kitchen and basement and on any stairs. You can check on him any time. Does he still cook? Is he safe with the stove? Maybe disconnect it and tell him whatever. Subscribe to a meal service that is ready to eat. Be sure he has an Uber account and knows how to use it.
        I’m 71 now and wouldn’t live with my children and their families. We all need privacy and space. Put me in a home where the food is good and they serve dessert nightly.

    9. pandas as pd*

      Going slightly against the grain here: My mom moved semi-permanently in with my grandfather when he needed care, and me (the granddaughter), my wife and dog moved in for the last few months. It was amazing.

      Not that death and dying is ever easy, but being there for all the little moments (when he felt well enough to be wheeled outside for the first day of spring, when he discovered he could facetime my cousins, when he felt reminiscent and told me stories about how he met my grandmother, watching him watch old movies with my dog asleep in his lap) was so meaningful. The fact that he knew and loved my wife in a way that would never have been possible with just visits was amazing. I think it also made his passing easier – no one felt like we had unfinished business.

      Of course there were conflicts and hard times, but you have to evaluate your own experiences, and in the current climate the risk that with COVID if you do chose to put him in a nursing home visits may be severely restricted or cancelled. I would worry extra about this!

  19. Moving update*

    Earlier in the spring/summer, I remember there were a few of us moving due to covid, and I actually did, so I thought I’d update and see where other folks ended up!

    My husband and I were living in a spacious 1br in a high rise that we’d originally settled on because it was a good price for the square footage, considering its proximity to a metro station. We had busy work and social lives, so we were only really there in the weekends. But when covid hit and we were home all day, we realized that we got almost zero natural light and had super noisy neighbors not amenable to turning their music down, sharing laundry was stressful, as was trying to dodge fellow residents and leave the building for a walk.

    We ended up deciding that what the heck, we are renters! Might as well take advantage of the flexibility, and we decided that we would just move back if we were unhappy. For about the price of our 1br, we found a small 2br townhouse about 1.5 miles outside the downtown area of our suburb and we are really happy, mainly with the quiet and the ability to just walk right outside. However, I don’t think we would have made the move if there weren’t some other non-covid factors that had also changed – we hadn’t commuted by metro for years, and both of us now have cars. So covid was partly a kick in the butt to try something else.

    SO did anyone else move? Or decide to stay?

    1. Anonymous for this*

      I also moved!

      Last year was when I decided to compromise and live in a basement in the suburbs. I really needed to save some money, and I traveled so much in the spring and summer of 2019 that I did not have time to do a thorough apartment search anyway. I figured the basement would be a bit short on the natural light, but the place I found had a lot of parks nearby. Far from work, but I decided to try out commuting and see if I could deal with it. That turned out to be…not awesome for me (my immune system has been a bit wonky lately, and I was getting sick almost every week, presumably from exchanging air with so many other people all the time). I was pleased when suddenly in March I could WFH, which led to a period of better health. But now I had another problem, which is that I was locked in a basement most of the time for months on end. So much for my plan to get light by visiting parks. My neighbors above and to the side were not quiet. It was also a miserably cold and grey spring where I live, and the basement never warmed up, even in June. This left me shivering all the time even under a couple of blankets. I used my space heater so much that I accidentally fried a power bar. Completely sick of it, I spent about 3 months apartment hunting and got lucky. I found a slightly smaller but much nicer apartment that gets a ton of light all day, and is closer to my job but not overpriced (I am still WFH, but not for long at this rate). I’m very very happy and thankful. I don’t regret the year in a basement – it allowed me to finally pay off my obligatory millennial student loan after more than a decade – but I’m not going to miss it.

    2. Tthankful for AAM*

      I’m the opposite. I have been wanting to downsize. But we learned, during our COVID quarantine when my husband got it, that our house is perfect for quarantining from the world and from each other. It is set up so we were able to live in separate parts of the house for 24 days.

      It was not the size of the house, 1,700 square feet, but the split bedroom plan that worked so well for us. Spouse lived in the front 2 bedrooms and bathroom, behind a door that separates them from the rest of the house, and I lived in the master bedroom and bath. I used the kitchen but we both stayed out of the living room. I never got it but spouse was very ill and eventually was hospitalized. He is home now and

      So now I’m thinking we will stay as the house worked so well. I am even thinking of turning the closet in one bedroom into a mini kitchen, like you might have in a studio.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        So glad to hear that your husband has recovered and that you never became ill yourself!

      2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        We moved – after three years living in a townhome style two bed, 1.5 bath with a depressing “garden”, with loud jerkwad neighbors who always started partying at 2am, to what was supposed to be a short term rental ground floor, 2 bed, 2 bath flat with a garden that should be in a magazine. We are in London so the rental market here is nuts in the best of times but this is a case of everything working out for the best.

        I’d had it with the place we had been renting (seriously, the stress alone living next to those jerks was more than enough) and indicated we were leaving end of our lease end of April. It rented in about 6 hours, to a couple who were adamant that they had no flexibility in timeline. We hurried to get something under contract by mid-March because everything we wanted kept getting snapped up. And then.. Covid hit, the market locked down, and the owners who were supposed to be emigrating to America now couldnt. We got stuck and somehow this place came up on the market as a short let – its down the street from a good friend of mine (we knew the area already), single story flat with walk in shower. We took it, sight unseen, for four months!

        Its turned our better than we could have ever imagined and we are signing on to stay up to another year, but more likely 9 months. Somehow our needs meshed with what the owners needs were for that time frame and while its a little cramped, the layout is excellent for WFH/quarantine, the neighbors are quiet/considerate, we love the village, there is community, and it will work while we figure out where do we buy, do we stay here or return home to the US, what is the world going to look like by next spring?

        Oh and the old place? I got a frantic text from the handyman the morning the new people were supposed to be moving in to tell me that there was a massive water leak from the upstairs bathroom into the downstairs bathroom and did I know anything about it? I’d always reported anything water related, so said no – it had started leaking two days after we left. Last I heard the whole ceiling and flooring had to be ripped out, bathroom piping reworked, just the works, which meant the new tenants could not move in until there was a functioning bathroom. Talk about luck!

    3. Erika22*

      Still in the process of looking! I posted above – we’ve gotten a little stuck on where to move (stay close to current city or move further out) and if we’d want to buy eventually. Your situation sounds like ours and what we’re aiming for – send those vibes our way!

    4. Annie Moose*

      I moved this spring, but the process was ongoing when covid hit, so it wasn’t a factor in deciding to move (just in how I moved!). In retrospect I’m so thankful I did it. I’d been in a small one-bedroom apartment (just me and the cat) and quarantine was hard on my mental health simply because there was nowhere to go. I could either sit on my couch, sit on my bed, or sit on my (very tiny) balcony if the weather was good enough.

      But now I’m in a whole house and I’m loving it! It’s amazing how much difference it can make, simply having more space. (I joke that I can now sit on my couch, sit on my bed, or sit in my office, so many more options) And my cat loves it too. He was very stressed out about sharing the apartment with me 24/7, but the house has given him so many more places to nap and he can be as close or as far away from me as he likes. I keep losing him… I have most of his spots figured out by now but every now and again I’ll go through the house twice and still have no clue where he is! So we’re both a lot happier having more space to ourselves.

      And man, what a difference it makes working from home when you have an actual office with a desk and not just the couch and coffee table…

    5. misty*

      I moved from the east coast to the midwest for school. I decided in May to move with a roommate due to cost of living and a crazy housing situation. My situation is much more stable now, my rent is much cheaper and I have much less roommates.

      I de cided in May and moved into my new place on Aug 1st. Everyone on here gave me a lot of good moving advice

    6. Windchime*

      I haven’t moved yet but am gearing up to do so. I’m tired of gray, rainy Seattle and now that my job is fully remote (except for the odd meeting here and there, post-Covid), there is literally no reason for me to keep living here. So I’m planning to move back to the East side of the state.

  20. Lost Duckling*

    Huh

    I’ve been feeling more and more lost with each passing week. I’m hitting a wall and need someone to talk to but at this point, I don’t know who: a counselor/therapist, job coach, or even just a general life coach. I’ve always had a pretty good handle on my anxiety and low level depression but it’s gotten out of control with being home so much. I’m the only one of my friends and family who is furloughed, everyone else is back to work at their same jobs in some way, so I’ve got major job worries. I already felt fairly aimless in life before the quarantine so all the lockdown stuff has made it all the worse. My weight is the highest it’s ever been but even with all the time in the world from lockdown, it’s all I can do to even go for a walk in my neighborhood now and then. I haven’t used the downtime at home for anything productive like online volunteering or learning a new skill, so all these months feel like a waste.

    All these whirling thoughts and anxieties send me into a panic and depression. Feels like I’m constantly in a place of hating everything about me. I want to make a change but everything feels so overwhelming that I don’t know where to start. When you’re spiraling, where is the first step to getting your head above water?

    1. WellRed*

      I think counseling/therapy is where you need to start. You need to take care of yourself before you can make life or job changes.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Good suggestion. If you don’t know where to look for counseling, ask your doctor for a referral or recommendation. If you can’t do in-person sessions, phone therapy as a new client is slightly more challenging but it’s doable.

      2. StrikingFalcon*

        Yep, therapy. You need an outside voice helping you sort through it all. Medication also helps some people break the cycle.

        Since you are out of work, look for a place that offers a sliding scale payment scheme. There’s also more virtual therapy available now too.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I have the daunting threesome of hydration, nutrition and rest. Of the three, probably water is the easiest. Make sure you are getting good amounts of water into you each day. Bonus points for adding a drink with electrolytes in it. Stress burns up vitamins and minerals like wildfire. With these nutrients gone, your anxiety and depression will probably ramp up.

      I think of it as a circle. I eat crappy foods/can’t sleep/forget water because I am stressed, then I become more stressed so I eat more crappy foods/sleep even less/what’s this thing–water? I have to break that cycle some how. I think that adding proper hydration is the easiest entry point. I measure out my water in the morning so I know how well I am doing during the day. Proper hydration helps organ function, this includes how well the brain works. I think we will find in the future that some dementias start with chronic dehydration that is how serious this is.

    3. voluptuousfire*

      Writing it down! When I get overwhelmed and I have no idea where ot start because my anxiety is causing 100 different thoughts to ruminate, I just grab a notebook and start listing things. I’m not a journaling type in that it wasn’t a regular thing but it can help.

      Or even better–write everything down and then take a pad of sticky notes and a sharpie marker and write out each thought or point on the sticky note and put it on the wall. You can organize the points/thoughts in an order that makes sense to you to tackle. I did this a few years ago when I got overwhelmed with all the projects and tasks, emotional and physical, I had swirling around in my head. It got so bad I had insomnia for 3 days. I created a grid by posting 4 stickies–easy, hard, sooner, later. I wrote my thoughts down on the stickies and went thorugh them, categorizing them by what I thought was harder/later, so on. Having that visual map of my thoughts made a huge difference.

  21. GoryDetails*

    What are we reading now?

    I’ve enjoyed some varied titles recently, including:

    YOU COULD LOOK IT UP by Jack Lynch, a history of reference works from ancient Babylonian laws to Wikipedia

    NATSUME’S BOOK OF FRIENDS (Vol. 20) by Yuki Midorikawa, from the delightful manga series about a boy who can see magical beings, yokai; lovely artwork, touching/funny/sometimes-scary stories, episodic enough that the books can be read out of order but with some character development along the way.

    THE TRUTH IS A CAVE IN THE BLACK MOUNTAINS by Neil Gaiman, one of his short stories published standalone with illustrations – this also appeared as a stage production with music, which I’d love to see. A rather dark tale of love and vengeance with a nice mythical tone.

    THE IRON RING by Harry Stephen Keeler – this one’s delightfully bizarre (which goes without saying when we’re talking about Keeler), with a woman on death row on a trumped-up charge, and assorted characters vying to either free her or suppress the truth.

    And on audiobook, THE GREAT HALIFAX EXPLOSION by John U. Bacon, about the devastating munitions-ship explosion in 1917.

    1. Parenthetically*

      Just finished the strange, gorgeous, dream-like The Plains by Gerald Murnane. Achingly beautiful, layered, complex prose, and a hilariously meandering, opaque story.

      From the sublime to the ridiculous: also just finished the 5th or 6th Maisie Dobbs book. Cracking mysteries, appalling writing. But lots of fun and easy to devour.

      1. sswj*

        Ha! A while back I kind of binged on Masie Dobbs audio books. I did indeed get sucked in by the essential mysteries, but eventually found myself wanting to dope-slap both the author and the protagonists. I decided to give it a rest when I found myself saying snarky things out loud in response to the reader’s narration.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I just read N.K. Jemison “How Long ‘Til Black Future Month?”
      Some of the stories jumped immediately into the ranks of my favorites. Speculative fiction and sf with the occasional nod to horror, and wonderful/wonderfully diverse characters & settings.
      I also picked up Taaktumi after a recommendation from someone here. It was more effective horror than I was prepared for… I think I’ll be getting reruns in my nightmares this winter.

      2. Windchime*

        I recently read the Broken Earth series, also by N.K. Jemison. It was such a good series. Highly recommend.

    3. Emma2*

      I had somewhat fallen out of the habit of reading, but recently read some lighter (YA) books and some audiobooks and am suddenly back to reading; it feels a bit like catching up with an old friend.

      This week, I have been listening to AMERICANAH by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie on audiobook. I read the book several years ago, and had been planning to revisit it. Adichie is one of my favourite authors, and I am loving the book a second time – it is a love story, but also a story about race and relationships and immigration. That makes it sound very serious, but the books is full of humour, and Adichie just writes so well.

      This week, I also read SUCH A FUN AGE by Kiley Reid (a story beginning when a Black babysitter caring for a white child is detained in a grocery story; it is a comedy of good intentions when it comes to white liberals and relations across races) and LIKE A MULE BRINGING ICE CREAM TO THE SUN by Sarah Lapido Manyika (I picked this up after watching a YouTube video by Brown Girl Reading – I recently found her channel and I think we have somewhat similar taste in books, so have been interested in what she recommends).

      I have started reading THE WARMTH OF OTHER SUNS by Isabel Wilkerson (history of the Great Migration in the US). I have also just started DEATH AND NIGHTINGALES by Eugene McCabe (a novel set in Fermanagh in Ireland in 1883).

    4. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Just started “A Beautiful Mind” for book club. So far it’s a bit of a slog

    5. Dancing Otter*

      I’m mostly rereading this week. Discovered a completed boxed set of Narnia on Audible, which I might “read” next. Did you know the author did NOT consider Wardrobe the first volume in reading order, even if it was written first?
      There’s a new volume in the Liaden Universe series (Sharon Lee & Steve Miller, available from Baen Books’ website) coming out soon, so I need to refresh myself where the last one left off.
      Beyond that, who can sort books for discard without rereading some of them?

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, I have a hardcover omnibus edition, it’s been years since I read it, and Wardrobe’s the second book in that set.

    6. AcademiaNut*

      I recently read Harrow the Ninth by Tamsin Muir, and was up very late one night to finish it in one reading. Very engaging, completely and utterly bonkers, and the kind of book that takes intense concentration to read, but has it pay off when you figure out what’s going on. If if you haven’t read Gideon the Ninth prior to it, it will make no sense.

    7. CJM*

      I’m reading The Idiot by Elif Batuman (thanks to Alison’s recommendation a while back). I’m really enjoying it. The main character’s self-doubts, travels, and love of languages remind me of my own young adulthood. I’m almost done and already miss my time with this book.

  22. DarthVelma*

    I guess I’ll start the gaming thread this week. I’m curious if anyone else had any big personal game accomplishments this week.

    Partner and I are still deep into Elder Scrolls Online. We started on a new quest line this week and killed our first big world boss and helped kill a dragon last night. It was exhilarating! :-)

    We’re currently doing stuff in the Khajiit lands and I’m really loving the architecture. It’s this interesting blend of disparate but recognizable styles into a cohesive whole.

    Later today I’m going to force myself to learn the crafting system. The partner keeps hinting that I really need to just bucklet down and do it. I’d just rather go bash things. I have to convince myself that if I learn the crafting, I can make better stuff to bash more and bigger things with.

    1. Caterpie*

      Congrats on the world boss and dragon! That’s really cool that you can share that hobby with your partner. I like to game with (in the same room, I mean) mine too but we use different platforms, so we can’t really play together like that. Can I ask how many hours per week you need to put into ESO to make it ‘viable’, if that makes sense? I love Elder Scrolls games but have always heard MMOs can be time consuming if you don’t want to spend a lot of real life money.

      I beat Pontiff Sulyvahn in Dark Souls 3 last night, so that’s my accomplishment. The next area is super PvP heavy and my build is very strictly PvE, so that’ll be fun.

      1. MEH*

        Dark Souls III is my favorite game of all time. Congrats on beating Pontiff Sulyvahn! He’s one of the toughest bosses in the vanilla game. I’m all about the PVE as well, so I play offline when I’m embered up. Enjoy the rest of your time in Lothric!

      2. DarthVelma*

        Well, I have some eye strain issues and a very screen heavy job, so I rarely get to play video games during the week – 1-2 nights if I’m lucky, many weeks not at all. So I’m mostly limited to playing ESO right now on the weekend. I’m probably putting in about 10-20 hours per week right now. But we’re doing all story-line stuff, so if I don’t play for several days, I just pick up where I left off. I’m finding it really low stress.

    2. Lyudie*

      I’ve been alternating between Animal Crossing and Fallout 4 (yes I have diverse interests :D). I played a bit of ESO because I heard you can do more solo with it than most MMOs, I am too flaky generally to do a lot of guild-type stuff. I haven’t gotten very far at all with it though…need to get back into it and give it a proper go sometime. I have not looked into the crafting system but I generally love crafting lol.

    3. Square Root of Minus One*

      I’m also an ESO player with my partner. One of our dates during shelter in place since we’re long-distance.
      It’s funny how our styles differ. No accomplishments this week because we’re not currently playing (vacation), but we both picked up crafting very early on, and boy, are we glad since researching equipment is super long (smithing especially). I guess our accomplishment would be that we’ve both successfully organized our research so it goes on the full two weeks we won’t be here, without stopping in the middle.
      We haven’t really made it into Elsweyr yet, but I’ve been in love with the lore a long time through the previous games and I LOVE wandering around Tamriel. I’ll take on Vvardenfell when I’m back :)

    4. Catherine*

      I got Spiritfarer for the Switch and I am absolutely addicted. It is a very tender management sim about death and grief and I cry every time I have to let a passenger move on.

      1. MEH*

        I’m playing Spiritfarer at the moment as well (Steam version), and I recently had to help my first (and thus far favorite) passenger move on. I actually said ‘no’ out loud when she said she was ready, and I bawled the entire time. It’s such a lovely and emotional game.

      2. Hi there*

        Wow, thanks for this recommendation. I got a switch lite so I could play Animal Crossing with kiddo and had been wondering about other games.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My husband just stomped upstairs bemoaning a problem with DDO… he & a friend have been exploring an expansion during a free trial period, playtesting it for possibly buying the pack for friend’s kids. And the game has had some as yet unknown catastrophic failure so they’ve rolled data back to JULY.
      I love that world, and I love its feel, but the game’s bugs long since drove me away. I think my last straw was the third time I had to reassign skill points because they got blanked out.
      In other news, I’m going to pick up a copy of one of the Dance Dance Revolution games we didn’t have… yay BuyNothing Project.

    6. GoryDetails*

      I’ve been playing in a family Zoom-based D&D game run by my nephew, and based on Elder Scrolls/Morrowind. We got through what he called the “tutorial” phase, lots of short quests in different places to introduce us to the geography and the various magical and weapons/armor-type options; now we get to decide whether to go on the big quest to be Chosen Ones or to divert to more typical adventurer-style activities. We’ve already developed some character quirks based on the dice rolls; one character’s become really, really good at summoning spectral creatures, while another’s had bad luck with one particular spell even though all the others have been working well. And my character discovered early on that trying to use the “luck roll” to improve my success seldom worked, so I’ve decided to skip the luck roll entirely…

    7. MsChanandlerBong*

      I beat Super Ghouls and Ghosts last night! It was probably the toughest game I’ve ever played, but I enjoyed it. I think I’ll try Mega Man or Castlevania next.

    8. Gatomon*

      I started Horizon Zero Dawn on PS4 a few weeks ago but just couldn’t get into the story and controls. I really wanted to like it but… I don’t get the hype.

      So I put that down and started The Last of Us Part II, which is much better. I’m enjoying playing as Ellie, and I’m glad they finally sorted out how to render a horse. (I played TLOU Remastered just after finishing RD2 so to see those nightmare horses after how well RD2 did… ugh.)

    9. Warm Weighty Wrists*

      Oh I hope you’re still around because I’ve been wanting to ask someone about Elder Scrolls Online! How much plot/story is there? I played Neverwinter for a while, and I was good with the patience of chipping away at things to level up, but I ended up stopping because 1. I felt it was taking up too much of my time, and 2. there wasn’t a good enough story to the quests to make me feel like the time investment was worth it. (Possibly relevant: I did join a guild but I didn’t quest much with others or make any friends or anything. I’m pretty shy in a gaming context.)
      Since then, I’ve avoided MMOs because I assume they will all have the same problems, but I really enjoy the Elder Scrolls world(s) so it would be fun to play some quests there on a casual level.
      I’d appreciate any impressions from ESO players!

      1. DarthVelma*

        ESO has a LOT of plot/story. I’m not much for PvP in this type of game, so story is important for me and so far I’ve found the story pretty engrossing. And I’m just completely in love with some of the characters. I don’t want to get too spoiler-y, but there are characters that are silly funny and others that have a dry sense of humor and some that you’ll just want to hug when you have to help them make hard decisions. There are serious and dignified characters trying to do the right thing. And there are assholes who you have to help anyway. There are story moments that have real weight, where you feel like what you do matters. And then other times, you just whack things and everybody thinks you’re awesome for doing it. :-)

        And I want to be a Khajiit. We were playing last night and there was an interesting human and I told my partner “This might be my favorite human…which still puts them behind my least favorite Khajiit”. I’m going to be very sad when we have to move on to parts of the story that don’t really involve them.

  23. insurance fraud, please?*

    I think one of my wedding vendors wants me to commit insurance fraud and I’m not quite sure how to deal with it. Obviously I’m not going to commit the fraud, but looking for some scripts for how to move forward with the vendor.

    I was supposed to get married this fall, but we aren’t going to be able to have the wedding we planned for (and don’t want to hold a big gathering during a pandemic). We bought event insurance before the pandemic hit and the insurance company is allowing us to file a claim. I have no clue if we can even be refunded, but they said there isn’t a downside to filing. Anyway, as part of the claim filing we had to get a confirmation in writing of each vendor’s updated cancellation policy.

    One vendor said, in writing, that they would refund half of the deposit if we cancel. I submitted this to the insurance, and calculated my claim amount accordingly. I let the vendor know that I’d keep them updated, and that our plans going forward will depend on how the claim is handled. The vendor then emailed me asking if they could actually keep all of the deposit since they figured the insurance would just refund it.

    My understanding is that the vendor wants me to tell my insurance that they won’t refund anything (even though they said their policy is to refund half for cancellations, which I already submitted in our claim) so that they can keep money they originally planned to return. They even mention that they are usually a person of integrity, which tells me they know it is wrong.

    I feel like this is shady for them to even ask, and has left me feeling really disappointed in this vendor. I’m sure whole mess has been terrible on small businesses, but using a client to defraud a fellow business involved in the wedding industry isn’t cool either. It’s also not fair to the other vendors to cut a deal like that with just one.

    Am I missing something? I wanted to give the vendor the benefit of the doubt (and maybe others in the industry can weigh in unless it violates the no work rule) but I feel really icky about it. If we postpone, I also don’t feel 100% about continuing to work with them. It’s a shame, because I was hoping to hire them for other events in the future (they do other events outside of weddings) to support them post-pandemic. Any advice, or does anyone see anything I’m missing?

    (Also would love to hear happy stories about small, meaningful, socially distant weddings too, to keep things light.)

    1. Not A Manager*

      I’ve found it useful on several occasions to just play dumb. “Wait, I already submitted a claim for 50% because our contract says you’ll refund 50% in case of cancellation. Isn’t that right? I think it says that in clause 7a.”

      Most people will find it hard to state (in writing even), “oh yeah, I know that’s what the contract says but I want to commit fraud.”

      1. insurance fraud, please?*

        Thank you, that might also help the vendor realize what they’ve asked me to do, in case they didn’t realize it before. Also commits more to writing and shows that I’m not complicit.

      2. Not A Manager*

        Two things. First, I don’t really understand what a lawyer is going to clarify for you. If the vendor is actually asking you to file for 100% of the deposit, the lawyer will say, “that would be insurance fraud, don’t do it.” There’s really not much else for them to advise you on.

        Second, it looks like you are keeping your vendor in the loop about your insurance claim as a courtesy to them. Your future plans depend on how much you will lose from canceling the wedding, and that depends on the insurance claim. I’d just stop looping them in at this point. You have two separate contracts, one with the vendor and one with the insurer. Ask the vendor for your 50% back per your contract with them, and tell them that as soon as you are ready to plan your postponed event, you will let them know.

    2. Sandra*

      It is insurance fraud. And they know it. You could spend up to 5 years in prison, have a $50,000 fine and be charged with a felony. (In my state)
      I would talk to my lawyer about it and ask him what to do.
      A similar thing happened to me while I was getting estimates on a tree removal.

      1. insurance fraud, please?*

        Talking to a lawyer isn’t a bad idea. I think most of the ones in my area will do free consultations for stuff like this. Thanks!

    3. eeniemeenie*

      I really feel for the vendor as so many businesses are suffering badly. But of course you don’t need to participate in insurance fraud! “I’m sorry, I already advised my insurer of your 50% refund policy so $x is the amount we’re getting back. I’ll keep you updated.” That’s all you need to say.

    4. lasslisa*

      Before you bring any sort of escalation I’d just tell the vendor “sorry, the insurance only reimburses according to our contract, so I still need you to reimburse half like we agreed.”

      If they then start saying they won’t refund half, or whatever, that’s when I’d talk to a lawyer for a letter, but if you haven’t tried just saying “no, sorry, that won’t work” that should really be your first step.

    5. Microwedding Proselytizer*

      This isn’t really about insurance fraud, but my husband and I got married with 12 guests last fall (long before COVID reared its head) and it was pretty marvelous. We were able to rent a BnB/small guesthouse about an hour’s drive away in a “vacation” spot from Fri-Mon, everyone got their own suite and bathroom, and it was pretty affordable. Our guests were siblings/parents/grandparents, so no friends sadly, but we had professional photos done and had breakfasts and dessert catered. It was INCREDIBLY relaxing and low stress, and we loved it, we had such a fantastic time we were talking about doing it again (sans wedding) with the family regularly.

  24. My Brain Is Exploding*

    What did you watch this week that you enjoyed? I watched “Pick of the Litter” on Netflix. PUPPIES!!

    1. DarthVelma*

      We watched the first episode of Lovecraft Country and really enjoyed it.

      There was some really nice genre trope-busting in the first episode, and I liked that. They also explicitly referenced the racism in Lovecraft’s works. Given the folks involved in this project, I really trust them to keep the parts of Lovecraft that are worth keeping (the man created some really awesome monsters and mythos), while jettisoning the parts that are just not ok without pretending they weren’t there.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Yeah, I’m enjoying Lovecraft Country too. Had read the book when it came out, and am pleased with the adaptation – what a great cast!

      2. Scarlet Magnolias*

        I was hoping for better monsters, the ones in the first episode were about on a par with the creatures in
        Hellboy The golden Army. Meh

    2. GoryDetails*

      On Netflix, Next in Fashion, a fashion-design show rather like Project Runway. I’m not a fashionista at all, but I like seeing the different forms that clothing can take, and in this case the cast (nearly all of them already established designers, fwiw) was great fun to watch.

    3. Aerin*

      We finished up with the broadcast seasons of Clone Wars. Now we decided we’re gonna go back and rewatch the Star Wars prequels before moving onto the final season, since I know part of it takes place concurrently with Revenge of the Sith and I’m pretty sure I haven’t seen that since it was in theaters.

      Also I really liked Palm Springs on Hulu, and I’m getting a kick out of Star Trek: Lower Decks.

      1. Annie Moose*

        What a coincidence! I’ve been on a big Star Wars kick lately, watched the prequels (well, episodes II and III) and have been working my way through Clone Wars. I just finished season 3, the last half of which took a massive quality leap IMO, which makes me pretty excited because people say seasons 4-6 are even better. Ahsoka’s fantastic, and I understand Rex becomes a much more major character later on which makes me happy because he’s by far my favorite clone (mostly because his armor looks the coolest). I get excited every time he’s onscreen even if he’s just standing around listening to Anakin’s stupid plans, haha.

        1. Aerin*

          Rex is my husband’s favorite, too! After only a couple of episodes he went and looked it up to make sure nothing bad happens to him.

          I think season 3 is definitely where they started taking advantage of the groundwork they’d laid, doing longer arcs and looping back to things they’d set up earlier. A writer friend on Twitter said that it does wonders for Anakin’s character development (Padme’s too, to a lesser extent), and you really do see why he starts to distrust and resent both the Jedi and the Senate.

          I will say season 6 is a little more iffy. IIRC it was intended to end with season 5, then they got renewed when they weren’t expecting it and had to kind of scramble for content. So it feels a little more like deleted scenes than anything else, but it was still good.

    4. Esmeralda*

      His Girl Friday, which I’ve seen many times and my husband, amazingly, never had before. Rapid fire snappy patter, Rosalind Russell and Cary Grant; beautifully restored print on TCM. Rosalind Russell runs after an office flunky and tackles him! on the sidewalk! at night! she’s wearing a fabulous suit and heels! One of my favorite screwball comedies.

    6. CTT*

      I (finally!) finished the last season of Dark; I thought it was a satisfying finale on so many levels. I can’t wait to see what those creators do next (although apparently their next project has a horror bent, so we’ll see if I can handle that).

    7. allathian*

      History documentaries on Discovery. A great 3-part documentary about the American Revolution and about the ordinary people who played a huge part in it, from a 16-year-old girl who rode for dozens of miles one night to assemble the local militia, to Native Americans who fought on both sides and the battles between tribes that resulted from this, to manumitted slaves who worked as spies. This one was an eye-opener and the episode names made me laugh because they referenced Star Wars. The second one was literally The Empire Strikes Back.
      A documentary about mummies by Ramy Romany. It’s rather refreshing that the host is Egyptian by birth.

    8. Puppies!*

      Thanks to your recommendation, I just watched it and am bawling happy tears. It was just what I needed. (And I’m a cat person!) So thank you.

    9. Warm Weighty Wrists*

      We started Perry Mason this week, and continue watching Counterpart, both of which are excellent in a “nobody’s a good person” sort of way. I also started Season 4 of Wynonna Earp on my own, and I do love those characters.

  25. ThatGirl*

    My dad is 68, he survived a heart attack and two months in the hospital in late 2016 and is doing well. He is in generally good health but his heart and lungs are weaker than they used to be. He lives in rural PA, my brother lives in a group home in northern Indiana. My problem is dad wants to come visit my brother and others in that area this fall. Even as a road trip, seeing that many people strikes me as a bad idea in the age of corona. What can I say to him?

    1. Analyst Editor*

      Does he live alone? See what he has to say. Or brainstorm ways for everyone to see each other not in the group home (which I agree sounds like it can be a hotbed of pestilence under certain conditions). I’d guess he might say that he’d rather take the risk than live alone in rural Pennsylvania in isolation for another year or however long until this blows over. I think the calculus for the risk you can tolerate changes for different people, especially as they get older, and especially if they themselves aren’t putting others at risk by taking risks on their own behalf, and that’s ultimately their own choice to make….

      1. ThatGirl*

        He is married, I don’t know how my stepmom feels about it.

        COVID has actually hit my brothers group home already (as I was afraid it would) though thankfully most people are mild/asymptomatic. It’s just that I know he’d want to see other people and would have to stop along the way. He came so close to dying or permanent disability before, I’d hate to see that happen now because he was eager to travel.

        But yes, I know ultimately it’s his decision.

    2. My Brain Is Exploding*

      My first thought was wondering what the group home will even allow. Not sure you can talk him out of it; perhaps defining metrics (eg, he’ll only go if the positivity rate where he’s going is less than 50%, etc) and precautions he’ll take while there (such as outside visits) is the best you can do. Make sure he goes to the doctor first and has his flu shot, etc.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Well probably the group home would let him see my brother outside, I’m unsure of their inside visitors rule. Nowhere has a 50% positive rate! But Indiana’s is higher than ideal right now and that county is a hotspot. So it worries me.

    3. fposte*

      I have a lot of sympathy for people up in years who are realizing that if they wait until visiting is completely safe again, they may never see some loved ones again. But a group home is going to be really hard to manage, and then throw in “others.” This isn’t a situation where everybody’s doing a test and then quarantining in advance of the visit.

      My main concern is that he’d be picking up virus at the group home and taking it to the others or vice versa. Would it be truthful to tell him “It would break [brother’s] heart if you/the cousins got sick from this” or “It would break Bob and Shirley’s hearts if [brother] got sick from this”? People who feel invulnerable themselves are sometimes more susceptible to the vulnerability of others. I don’t know that you can convince him not to visit, but at least maybe it can get pared down a little (and I’d still encourage him to get a test a few days before he goes).

      1. ThatGirl*

        Ironically my brother’s already tested positive and has been in isolation for three weeks. But it’s less him and more the “others” and it would break my heart if my dad got sick, he went through so much after his heart attack. Sigh.

        1. fposte*

          You can always try telling him that; it may still involve another person enough to move him out of the notion that the risk he runs affects only him.

  26. Jaid*

    I called Lap of Love and they’ll be here on Monday. It’s time to let my cat go.

    I got her in September of 2000 and I’ll miss her so much.

    1. Lyudie*

      I am so sorry Jaid. We had to do this with our cat in February. It’s so hard even when you know it’s the right thing to do. <3

      1. I take tea*

        I’m so sorry. Lots of sympathies from a fellow cat slave. It’s a really hard decision, even if it is the right one.

      2. Grim*

        My old fuzz buddy is approaching the end as well. He’s been with me 17 great years and I rescued him from a horrible existence.
        You’re doing the right by your loved one.

    4. Not My Money*

      I called them yesterday for our kitty girl. She’s around 20 as well (aged 2-3 when we rescued her 17 years ago). She’s winding down and we don’t want her to suffer. The woman I spoke to was so compassionate and I’m glad I found them from this site.

    6. Corky's Wife Bonnie*

      I’m so sorry. We used Lap of Love in June and were very pleased. They were kind, gentle and dealt with me being a blubbering mess with compassion. Virtual hugs going out to you.

    7. Cj*

      We also had to put our cap to sleep a couple months ago, just one week shy of her 20th birthday. We have five other cats, but each one is unique, and we miss personality and cuddles so much.

    8. Jaid*

      I couldn’t wait for Monday. She basically stopped eating and drinking and could barely turn over.

      I ended up at the 24 hour clinic in Levittown at 8 something PM. They were kind and proficient.

      Now to get used to the silence at home…

      Thank you for your kind thoughts and well wishes. Bella was loved and she loved me.

      2. allathian*

        I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope that the knowledge that you did right by her and your wonderful memories of two decades of cat companionship will sustain you.

      3. PNW Dweller*

        I’m so sorry for your loss and for the hard choices you had to walk through. A big virtual hug from someone five months ahead of you with a similar story.

      4. Windchime*

        I am so sorry. I lost my 19 year old boy many years ago and it was so hard to see him go. I can think of him now without pain, but it was really hard at first. I’m thinking of you.

    10. My Cat's Meowmy*

      I am so sorry. My kitty will be 20 in February, he’s definitely an old man now, and I’ve entered the Bargaining phase of grief. I’ve been imagining my world without my boy and it’s awful.
      It sounds like you were in tune with your cat’s needs and you gave her the best support and care that you could. How wonderful it must have been for your cat to know she was so loved, right up to the edge of the rainbow bridge.
      There’s an artist online called Jenny-Jinya who makes incredible works that absolutely play your heartstrings like a harp. I don’t know if you’re ready for this, but she’s recently posted one about someone who helps their dog move on. There are many stories in the comments from people honoring their own fur-family.

      https://m.facebook.com/profile.php?id=338824492804467&ref=content_filter

      1. Jaid*

        I’ll be getting the clay paw print in the mail. I’ll be asking Marcia Reiver of Raku Ceramics to make a plaque like the one she made for my kittyboy.

        Thank guys! I look over at the sofa and she’s not there…

  27. Dainty Lady*

    A couple weeks ago I asked for advice about how best to help my stepdaughter with a new baby (thank you all!). The time has come! I think we’ll go down later this week.

    New question — I have a friend who lost his job due to covid. He’s posted on FB about unemployment being barely enough for the rent, not food, utilities, or anything. Would it be hurtful or insulting in any way if I asked if he would be willing to come by our house while we are gone to water the plants, feed the birds, etc., being paid what I would pay a professional someone to do it? I hesitate because he’s a mature man with grown up children and this feels so teenagery — Hey Joe, wanna make a few bucks? I would love his help; he’s a very careful and responsible person that I trust. I just seriously do not want to hurt his feelings or pride, or make him feel obligated just because we’re friends.

    Thoughts?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’ve done similar in the past. Generally my phrasing has been something like, “I need someone to swing by and (do xyz) while I’m gone. I’m expecting to pay someone $whatever and given my druthers, I’d rather pay someone I know and trust than a stranger if possible. No is a perfectly acceptable answer, of course, but is that something you might be interested in before I keep looking at further options?” It’s always gone fine for me, at least.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Make sure you are paying him enough to cover his gas/transportation costs and give him pocket money. Don’t assume he has enough money to pay for gas the whole time you are gone. Depending on his setting he may be counting the number of miles he has left on his tank.

    3. Anono-me*

      I think asking your friend if he wants this small job is a kind thing and a win-win. If he doesn’t want it he can always say no. Red has some good wording. I think making it clear that you have a plan B that is acceptable to you if Joe doesn’t want the job is key. NSNR makes a good point about gas money, maybe pay upfront.

      If you have a garden or Joe is house & bird sitting; you may want him to harvest whatever is ready while you are gone. It will help your plants to continue to be more productive and he will have the veggies that would otherwise go to waste.

      Also, I would also accidentally leave a few things in the fridge that will be spoiled by the time you get back. That way you can call and ask Joe to please take care of them for you either – pitch them or eat them (Half a jug of milk, most of a loaf of bread, some eggs and maybe a pound of ground beef you pulled out of the freezer and forgot to use.)

    4. Dainty Lady*

      I did go ahead and ask, saying of course no problem if he didn’t want to or was too busy; I did mention the FB post since it’s pretty obvious that I wouldn’t be asking if he was still employed. He said yes, if a family issue makes the timing work out. I responded, Timing sounds okay but don’t hesitate to pull out if you need to, I can always call the professional service so no worries at all. He only lives a mile away so gas isn’t a big deal (and he’s someone who would bike for green reasons).

      Thanks!

    5. Venus*

      Red’s wording is good.

      I would ask him. He is very likely posting on social media in the hope of this exact thing. Red’s wording makes it easy for him to refuse if he has a conflict or logistics problem.

  28. Alex*

    This is extremely low stakes but something that is driving me nuts. My cutting boards never feel really clean, and every so often I realize that they SMELL. When the smell builds up, I soak them in a bleach solution, which helps some but doesn’t completely get rid of it. They also stain easily, like if I cut a red pepper or something like that, the board is red.

    I don’t have a dishwasher, so I do my best to scrub with both a scrub brush and a sponge (and hot water and dish soap) every time I use them. But it seems like the little cuts that inevitably happen (because it is a CUTTING board) trap bacteria and food residue. The wood one I have is slightly better than the plastic ones, but of course you have to maintain the wood one with oil (and maybe that is why my wood one isn’t quite as bad smell or stain wise, because I use it less often).

    Any recommendations on either how to clean or new kinds of cutting boards to buy? I cook a lot so I would be fine buying something new if it was going to stay non-stinky for a long time. One of my plastic ones is a pretty high quality plastic one from King Arthur so I know just spending more won’t solve the issue (OK, my others are IKEA..).

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Hm. All of mine are IKEA and they don’t have that issue that I’ve noticed (hands up if you just went in the kitchen and smelled your cutting boards to be sure … just me then?) but I have a dishwasher and put them through it regularly. :-/ try scrubbing them with a brush and some baking soda maybe? Scrub scrub, let that sit a bit, scrub some more, rinse well in hot hot hot water, maybe another round of scrubbing with vinegar, and more rinsing?

      1. Alex*

        Oh I haven’t tried baking soda–I can definitely try that.

        Yeah a dishwasher would be really nice…..

    2. Mohr*

      I’ve heard at restaurants they take rags soaked in a bleach solution, lay them out over the cutting boards, and let them sit overnight. Then rinse off and scrub the next morning.

      You mentioned you’ve already tried soaking in bleach — maybe you just need a longer contact time?

    3. fposte*

      Maybe I’m just hard on mine, but I don’t consider them long-term investments. I just think there’s too much potential for uncleanability in the knife nicks. I buy reasonably priced Oxo and pitch them if they start to stink.

      1. Alex*

        I do tend to keep things way past their expected lifetime. I honestly can’t even remember when I got these so maybe I just need to say goodbye!

        It’s especially hard as I get older–like, these towels that my parents bought me when I went off to college? Why are they frayed? This is an outrage! And then I realize that was over 20 years ago now….

        1. fposte*

          Oh, yeah, that’s definitely me as well. I’m currently indignant over the worn sofa upholstery that got put on 20 years ago.

          1. Windchime*

            Yeah. I’m wondering why a pillowcase I have is so thin. It’s because it was a wedding gift in 1980.

        2. Colette*

          Yeah, I was annoyed yesterday that I had to put a new binding on the quilt that always sits on the couch, and then I remember that my mom made it after my grandma died … in 1994.

        3. Seeking Second Childhood*

          My former professional chef husband prefers wood cutting boards when washing by hand because the bleach can get into the surface with just wetting the surface. Plastic, you may want to soak in bleach water occasionally.
          The wood you can also sand down and re-treat. (I think beeswax with mineral oil, but looking it up would be safer.)

        4. Not So NewReader*

          I agree with your indignation. I have my parents Cannon towels from the 70s and they are as good as they day they were purchased. No fraying, no color loss. Planned obsolesce. It’s a thing.

          We can do better and we chose not to.

        5. allathian*

          I have some linen-cotton kitchen towels that my grandmother initialled and hemmed for her trousseau. She got married in 1942 so they’re nearly 80 years old and still perfectly serviceable.
          I’m glad I have a dishwasher and I pretty much wash our cutting boards every time I use them, even if I use it for cutting something innocuous, like cucumber. But in your case, I think that soaking them in bleach overnight might work.

      1. fposte*

        I stayed with a friend who used a marble pastry slab as a cutting board. You will not be shocked to hear that her knives would have struggled to cut butter.

    5. Not A Manager*

      Make a paste with baking soda, a few drops of dish soap, and a very small amount of water. Liberally slather the paste all over your cutting board. Let it sit overnight, then scrub the board with the dried paste before you rinse it off.

    6. Kathenus*

      Whenever mine get discolored in the knife cut areas I just spray some bleach cleaner on it and leave it in the sink for a bit before cleaning. And as others mentioned, plastic boards definitely have a lifespan. I have one corian cutting board I got at a craft show years ago that I love, so if you can find something like that it’s a less porous option.

    7. Esmeralda*

      Research shows that wooden cutting boards are more sanitary than plastic. (And in my experience don’t get smelly if you wipe them off.)

      I don’t use any sort of oil on my wooden boards and I don’t baby them in any way (except the fancy bread board we got as a gift). Every so often I will clean them with coarse salt. Sometimes I will rub them with a lemon rind (after I’ve used the lemon) and then clean with salt. I’ve had them forever.

      1. sswj*

        I never oil my cutting board, but I do periodically pour boiling water over it and then scrub with a soapy brush. It never, ever goes in the diswasher though. For some reason I thought that actually ruined them and made them less resistant to funk.

          1. PNW Dweller*

            Wood in general shouldn’t go in the dishwasher- it’ll warp and I feel like it could get funky. Wood somehow has a natural healing making it more sanitary than plastic. At least that’s a bit of folklore that I follow.

        3. Chai life*

          I’ve had my wood butcher block countertop for 35 years. End grain wood (most newer cutting boards are not end grain, I don’t know if that makes a difference). I cut everything on it, clean after each use with a wet soapy sponge, wipe soap off with hot water and sponge.
          I clean it more thoroughly a few times a year with a green scrubber. I have never oiled it. It has never smelled.

      2. Emma2*

        Like Esmeralda, I never oil my basic wood cutting boards (I have one for onion/garlic/chillies/etc and one for everything else). I do sometimes clean with coarse salt; I use a lemon rind to rub the salt into the board, let it sit for a bit and then rinse it all off. Mine are at least 10 years old, maybe 15 (maybe more?).

        1. Sarahkay*

          I’m another fan of wooden boards, and never oil them. I do keep one side for onions and garlic, and the other for everything else, as the onion side can smell a bit onion-y. Mine is about ten years old and going strong but my mum’s had that beat by decades, and she never oiled hers either.
          I think it was a wedding present; certainly Mum used it daily from my earliest memories, and I’m nearly 50. Last Chrismas it was given a ceremonial burning because it had been used for so long it had quite literally worn through. It was only about a quarter inch thick, and the decades of steady use had just gradually worn it away in the centre where most chopping took place.

    8. No Tribble At All*

      We use Epicurean brand cutting boards — they’re a thick durable plastic, and we haven’t had issues with smell. One of them did stain when ~someone~ left an old baking sheet right on top of it for a while, but they hold up really well!

      1. No Name Yet*

        Was coming to recommend Epicurean – they’re great! We particularly like the ones made of composite material, they hold up well, and feel closer to cutting on wood than plastic (but are as easy to clean as plastic).

      2. AGD*

        I have one of these as well! I paid a fair bit for it, but as far as I can tell, it’s indestructible.

      4. SpellingBee*

        Thanks for this recommendation! I need some new cutting boards so I’m going to check them out.

    9. PX*

      Pretty sure I remember reading somewhere that wood oil for cutting boards is just a myth to get you to spend more money. I certainly never use it and my boards have survived years!

      As far as smell goes, I find the occasional boiling water and really good scrub with dish soap does the trick. Baking soda is also a good option. Also I find trying to dry it as soon as it’s been washed helps.

      1. Flabbernabbit*

        Lots of people don’t use oil and get away with it as you have. Depends how you use it, your environment etc. But oiling wooden cutting boards is a good thing, not a myth. Boards can crack if they dry out from lack of oiling, especially if the wood isn’t great. Same is true, apparently with my leather chairs. Didn’t know I had to condition the leather. The leather is cracking now. Got to go slather my face, come to think of it.

        1. PX*

          Hah, see I’ve always known about leather (grew up polishing shoes) so that’s an “obvious” one to me.

          I think when it comes to wood for chopping boards like you say it’s a factor of what wood it is and certainly how you treat it. For me making sure you generally keep it dry it and don’t let anything too acidic sit on it for a long time seems to have helped.

    10. Observer*

      I stopped using regular cutting boards and got some ceramic tiles. They work well, and the surfaces are pretty much impervious so nothing gets into it.

    11. Melody Pond*

      Several years ago, after I read about a particular study in a book (the book was Green Housekeeping, I think?) that found it’s mostly not possible to fully sanitize plastic cutting boards after they’ve been used, and that wood cutting boards are far more resistant to bacteria — I tossed my plastic boards and bought a fairly cheap wooden bamboo cutting board. (As I recall, researchers in this study left raw chicken juice on a wood cutting board, without even cleaning it. After like a day, 98% of the bacteria had died off.)

      I think I have oiled my bamboo cutting board maybe ONE time, in like eight years. Otherwise, after doing something messy on it, or perhaps something involving raw chicken juice, I just wet it and lightly scrub it clean with a little dish soap, rinse it really really well, and let it stand up to air dry. So far, the main bamboo cutting board I have, has held up really well, despite my blatant lack of oiling. And it’s got no stains or smells.

    12. Flabbernabbit*

      I’m a woodworker and make cutting boards among other things. It’s worth investing in one made of a good hardwood like maple, cherry or walnut. Acacia is good and less expensive. Never oak or something like that which has more pores. End grain even better but usually more expensive. I made a 1.5” thick one and it never smells. Hubs uses a different board for garlic and onions though. And I do sand it down sometimes, though not necessary. Wash it by hand right after using it, oil it regularly (beeswax, walnut oil, but personally I would not use mineral oil). If your board is too dry, it will soak up other stuff. So oil it, for prevention. Lemon and baking sofa as others said in between.

    13. Dancing Otter*

      I buy cheap plastic ones, run through the dishwasher frequently, and am perfectly willing to replace as needed. That’s been for cracking, though – knife “wounds” getting too deep – not from any odor or stains.
      The lovely wooden one I was given years ago gathers dust because I don’t want to work so hard to maintain it.

  29. Nervous Nellie*

    Hi AAM friends! Question for you – what games have you invented to amuse yourself during this very strange time?

    Here is one I have devised: I own a lot of DVD movies that I bought in thrift shops over the years, and back in April, I started a game with them. I watch a film, and then must watch a film with one of the actors from the first film (bonus points for choosing a film with the same minor supporting actor). I have watched dozens of films since then and have not broken the chain yet. It has turned out to be more fun than randomly flipping through the stack of movies, and has really been a neat way to notice lesser-known actors and compare their performances side by side. I am still devising the ‘rules’ of the game, like giving myself bonus points for finding films with 2 or more of the same actors, or viewing 3 or more films in a row with the same supporting actor. Why not, eh?

    Even comparing big stars is good fun too. For example, Helen Mirren in The Mosquito Coast as a young mum married to a wild-eyed inventor (Harrison Ford), gave me reason to hop next to her incredible performance in The Queen. What a contrast!

    I have been keeping a list of the movies and linking actors and will staple it into my pandemic diary when this is all over. And I have been enjoying using the IMDB (Internet Movie Database) as a lookup reference.

    And you? I am game to hear your games, LOL.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        LOL! Funny you should say that – I was noticing in the dozens of films I have watched that they are Kevin Bacon-less……

        I sure do have a lot of Clint Eastwood, Gene Hackman, Brad Pitt, Natasha McElhone, Richard Jenkins, Harrison Ford & David Suchet films. It is interesting seeing the patterns – lots of action movies & drama, a few comedies, no romances, lots of ‘guy’ stuff. I hadn’t really noticed that before!

    2. Analyst Editor*

      I think a lot of directors prefer certain sets of actors. It’s really interesting to look up the actors in a movie and see some older, completely obscure movie they all worked on together, or many of them worked on.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Totally, yes! I am seeing a lot of related directors/actors and even producers and composers.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      We are rating high-end dinner plate designs online: gold medal if we’d eat off it, silver if we’d hang it on the wall and bronze for Nope!

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        That is fantastic! I recall some Versace plates in the early 90s that were positively lurid….

    4. Skeeder Jones*

      I did that a few years ago with tv shows. I started with 30 Rock, followed Jane Krakowski over to Ally McBeal, took Calista Flockhart and watched Brothers and Sisters, then grabbed Rob Lowe and moseyed on over to Parks and Rec and that actually took me full circle since Amy Poehler guess-starred on 30 Rock a few times. I like the idea of doing that with movies though because it would help me watch movies I wouldn’t normally think of.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Skeeder, if you have not seen The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, you might get a kick out it! Jane Krakowski was tremendous in it. And the always amazing Carol Kane was too, and could lead you into the 80s series Taxi, and, and, and…..

    5. Oxford Comma*

      I use Letterboxd to do something like this. They have a free account, but I think you need the first paid tier to make watchlists. Most of mine are private lists, but I’ve also used other people’s lists to try and make my way through whatever I want. I get obsessed with actors and I’ll try to watch everything they’ve ever done.

    6. AGD*

      I love this!

      I’ve been playing with creating and maintaining databases for utterly trivial things (like Every Piece of Clothing in My Wardrobe, with columns for the colors, fibre content, where and when I bought it, and how often I wear it – and a page of graphs and statistical analysis). I get a disproportionate amount of pleasure out of playing with data, which might explain my job (academic social scientist). I was the sort of child everyone thought was going to be a librarian or an archivist, so this is on brand.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Great minds, AGD! I am a bean counter by profession, and a ‘sorter’ by nature. I have organizing rubrics for everything, including the cases of DVDs I am drawing on here. What a pleasure it is to gather data & sort!

    7. Auntie Social*

      I play “Recast”—if my daughter and I have watched an old movie on TCM then we recast it with today’s actors. Or we take it a step further and recast an oldie with the cast of Clueless or something. Kinda fun, you can play it alone or even as a party game, if we’re ever allowed to have those again.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        I love it! I am going to go back over my just-watched lists and recast all those films. Thanks for the great idea! Good fun!

    8. Buni*

      My friends & I have been playing Don’t Get Me Started over email. Basically, someone nominates you an incredibly boring, non-confrontational, everyday object / subject (examples to date: lamp-posts, bread rolls, listening to the radio) and you have to GO OFF.

      We take turns sending each other 250-500 words on why [subject] is just the worst thing ever, each rant having to start with ‘Oh my God, don’t get me started on….’. It’s frickin’ hilarious.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        That IS hilarious! I am doing periodic Zoom calls with my sister, and I bet we could freestyle them on the spot, like a poetry jam. I am going to suggest this to her next time! :)

        1. Buni*

          It started as a stuck-in-the-car-on-long-journeys game so should absolutely translate to zoom. Slight rules: it can’t be completely spurious (no ‘my mother was killed in a freak bread-roll accident’) but it also can’t be based on anything ‘real’ (no ‘I have a gluten intolerance and bread rolls legitimately make me ill’).

          The other game is Conspiracy Theory, where you’re given two completely unrelated events (e.g. sinking of the Titanic + assassination of JFK) and have to link them into one vast conspiracy theory.

          We spent a lot of the time stuck in the back of the car on long journeys as kids…

  30. merp*

    Looking for input! A recent favorite quarantine daydream is “find a remote job and move out of the city somewhere beautiful.” (I should say it’s currently a daydream – might get there someday!)

    There are so many places I haven’t been or heard of – does anyone want to recommend a spot I should daydream about moving to? No real rules, although I would love trees and/or water :)

    1. Mohr*

      I looooove Appalachia — although maybe it’s because I grew up there.

      Probably my favorite weird little town is Harper’s Ferry (both WV and MD). It’s on the Shenandoah River and it’s got a historic area that’s nice to walk around, and there’s hiking and rafting and kayaking and forest all around. Plus it’s relatively close to places like DC and Baltimore, if you ever feel the need to be in a city for just a little bit.

      Also there’s a great kettlecorn company there that sets up shop at fairs and sometimes on the side of a road that’s particularly well-traveled by hungry kayakers. Can’t remember the name, but I think that’s part of the magic.

    2. Aerin*

      Look up images of Stanley Park in Vancouver. Evergreen trees on one side of the hiking path, ocean on the other. Vancouver is definitely high on my list of daydream relocation spots. Other places I’ve visited that I could happily live: NYC, London, Edinburgh, Prague, Vienna. (Edinburgh has recently been edging out of daydream territory and into serious consideration.)

    4. Anonymous bird*

      My family just moved to Chattanooga, Tennessee and we are loving it! It’s beautiful here, affordable and the weather is awesome. There’s also a lot of cultural activities here and it is very family friendly. We moved from the Northeast.

      1. Anonymous bird*

        I should have added it’s a very outdoorsy place with tons of hiking, bouldering, mountain biking etc. People are always outside. You can paddle board, SUP and kayak on the river and there are a lot of nice lakes nearby. A lot of people call it the Boulder of the East and it was recently written up in Outdoor magazine!

    5. 2QS*

      I was born and raised on a hippie island in the PNW, which will always be home – but I also lived in the Finger Lakes area for a while (Ithaca, New York) and loved it! Middle of nowhere and cold winters, but incredible scenery and parks and hiking. Living on any of the hills guarantees pretty sunrises and/or sunsets. Prettiest fall seasons I’ve ever seen, by a long shot – almost the entire town turned a luminous amber in October every year (you can tell I grew up among evergreen trees).

      1. AcademiaNut*

        Hippie PNW island was what came to mind for me – something in the Gulf Islands maybe. Sheltered ocean, forest, mild climate, wildlife, not too many mosquitoes, but also close enough to Vancouver or Victoria that you could do occasional runs into the city for shopping and such.

        1. Windchime*

          That sounds like the San Juan Islands. Or perhaps Anacortes, WA. It’s a cute little town by the water so there are sailboats and beaches. Not too far from the border, so it would be easy to hop on over to British Columbia for the afternoon.

    6. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Orkney Islands in Scotland. Relatively remote, beautiful, lots of wildlife and amazing archaeology. Long dark winters and long daylight hours in summer but relatively mild climate. It’s also not so remote that you don’t have regular shops and town amenities like pubs and museums. Not a lot of trees though.

      1. Sarahkay*

        Seconding the Orkney Islands. I was there for two weeks a few years back and absolutely loved them. True, not a lot of trees, but there is a road sign in the main town, Kirkwall, warning of otters crossing – how can you resist?!?
        I was also lucky to have pretty good weather in what was a horribly wet summer for the south of the UK. Since Scotland has a reputation for being very wet (unfair in many cases, it’s mostly the west coast that is particularly rainy), the week before I headed off I got a lot of teasing at work about how wet it was going to be. Turned out, they were right – it was very wet, but only for them in the south of England. I had a reasonable amount of sunshine, and very little rain.

    7. Ranon*

      Ouachita Mountains, Arkansas- loads of trees and water (it’s where Arkansas spring water comes from, after all), near Hot Springs for some degree of city convenience.

      Upper peninsula of Michigan is also beautiful but you’ve got to be into winter for year-round habitation.

      Bits of Idaho are pretty stunning, especially Coeur d’Alene

  31. Potatoes gonna potate*

    How do i figure out what’s a reasonable price?

    We’re looking to get repairs done in our house, some minor some moderate. Neither my husband nor I are handy or too knowlegeable about construction work, so weve been asking around. I asked for quotes in a group and got a few people messaging me. I sent them all the same pictures of what we need done. One guy said 10k another said 8k. For installing electrical outlet covers one guy said $100 per outlet cover. (Even that I figured out is not very expensive).

    I then asked a friend of mine who owns a construction company and he said it was $2-4K max with labor and mark up. He said “10k is a ’here you go and don’t ever speak to me again’ price.”

    I’m willing to pay for service, I’m not trying to be Stingy but I don’t want to get taken advantage of.

    1. Ali G*

      Angie’s List is good to see what others paid for similar work. Also, the trades are really busy right now (at least where we live), and they can afford to be picky. They might be purposely turning you off with high prices because they aren’t interested in your job. I think that is what your friend meant about the price.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Oh yeah definitely. I’m familiar with it. I’ve also heard it called the “fuck off” price.

      2. Wishing You Well*

        Angie’s List changed completely when she sold out to HomeAdvisor. I used to use Angie’s List all the time. Now I have to use Yelp.
        Try YouTube for home maintenance tutorials. Replacing plastic electrical covers is faster and easier than loading a dishwasher.
        And, yes, contractors who don’t want your job will WAY overbid so you’ll go away. If you agree to their price, at least it was very profitable to do the job. Always get more than one bid on bigger jobs.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Oh I didn’t know they were home advisor. I tried them and man they were/are aggressive. I had one calling me multiple times in 20 minutes despite picking up the first time and saying I’ll call him back.

          The electrical plates was just one of the things needed and an example of the price gouging.

          I don’t like YT videos but I’ll look some up.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      $100.00 per outlet COVER? That sounds outrageous. You’re talking decorative (or plain) wall plates or something, right? (Just want to make sure you’re not talking about something where they’d need to do actual electrical work, like installing the whole outlet.) If so, you can buy cheap plastic ones for like $2.00 or less and put them on yourselves. I honestly wouldn’t pay someone for something like that and most definitely not $100.00. Maybe $20.00 if you get a decorative cover and don’t want to be bothered with doing it yourself.

      Make a list of everything that needs to be done and get several quotes. Ask them to break it down so you can pick and choose what you want to do.

        1. Parenthetically*

          That is truly bananagrams. They require one screw and take about 3 minutes to replace and cost, like Dawn said, about two bucks. If you’re wanting to replace the plug bit, it’s still really cheap, you just have to turn off the power.

        2. RagingADHD*

          They aren’t charging $100 for the wall plate because that’s what it costs to do.

          They are charging $100 per plate because that’s what would make it *worth their while* to come to your home and spend time doing all these little jobs.

          Every business has an opportunity cost, as well as labor & materials.

          It only “costs” $2k – $4k if they have nothing else going on and aren’t turning down other work to fit you in. If they have a full roster of high-end jobs, they would be doing your work at a net loss.

      2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        I think I paid $0.64 for my last outlet cover. Took me 30 seconds with a screwdriver to put it on. Even if you had to buy a screwdriver, even if you got a gold plated screwdriver, it’d still be way cheaper to DIY. If you can tie your own shoes, you can put on an outlet cover.

      3. pancakes*

        White ceramic or porcelain ones aren’t much more expensive and look nicer. $100 per outlet is outlandish. This is a very simple task that requires nothing more than a screwdriver and takes no more than a minute or two.

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Why don’t you do some research and see what you can tackle yourself? Youtube is very helpful for this. Even if I’m not going to do something myself, I like to know what’s involved so I know if the contractor is bs-ing me.

      Also, at least in my area, all the fix-it people are swamped. Especially the good ones. That will contribute to higher costs. And be aware that there are national shortages of various things. Don’t bother trying to put in a wooden fence this year.

      1. fposte*

        I just found that out! Somebody in my neighborhood put up a wistful post seeking 4x4s for fencing and I actually had a bunch just hanging out unused, and they said there hadn’t been any in town for some time. So that worked out nicely–I basically got people to slightly clean out my garage for me.

      2. Natalie*

        Oh interesting. That gives me another reason to do the hog wire version I’m obsessed with!

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Uh, I think you should ask your friend to do the work.

      I hired a friend here. He worked for about 2.5 years on this place. This went well for us. He worked at his own pace. He left easier stuff for me to do, which saved me labor costs. We had a tense moment or two because construction causes tension. But we backed off and thought about things then regrouped and we were fine after that.

      If your friend is booked up, ask him who he would recommend. Contractors all know who is good and who is ripping people off. That is because they have to repair the work of the rip off artists.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Ha that was my first instinct too, I asked him, he said he’s too busy and can’t commit but gave me the # of a colleague. We have someone else coming tomorrow to give a free estimate

        1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          Definitely a good way to do it if you can, or if you find one person you’re happy with ask them if they can recommend another. My husband has a friend who is a surveyor and he’s been able to suggest other people, and once I found a good electrician I got him to suggest a plumber. This has worked out better than just calling new people every time. Neighbours might also know people that they were happy with.

    6. MMB*

      I’m in property management and we had every electrical outlet in our building completely replaced for less than $800. And yes, we used a competent, fully licensed and insured company.

    7. PNW Dweller*

      Do you have any realtor friends? They might have some go to people they would recommend.

    8. No fan of Chaos*

      I get the best handy people from Home Depot. Go to the front service desk and tell them what you need done. Hang Christmas lights. Replace toilet. Put up some shelves. They will print out a list of three people who offer to do this kind of work. I call then and then ask them about the work I need done and listen. Then ask them how long they have been doing this kind of work and listen. They are relying on Home Depot to recommend them so they will do their best. The last duo I found have been working for me and my entire family for the last five years as needed.

  32. blackcat*

    Cat peeps!
    My older cat has gone through some digestive troubles. We’ve worked that out with a vet and he’s doing much better on a new hypoallergenic food.
    But in the midst of this, he has stopped burying his poop, and he hasn’t restarted. His literbox is in the home office, which obviously is near people yet can’t be attended to right away. So when he poops and does not bury it in litter, the room stinks to high hell. Which is awful if either myself or my husband is on a zoom call in there. We don’t really have another room to put it in.
    What can we do to cut down on the stink? Can we convince him to bury his poop again? Should we try a new litter?

    1. Grim*

      My old fuzz buddy never buries his poop, but fortunately, his younger brother usually covers it for him, but often with an unfortunate time delay.
      Tried different cat litter but it made no difference. You may have to buy an automated air freshener that periodically gives a squirt into the room.

    2. A313*

      My older cat stopped burying hers, I think as a “message” to her younger brother. He actually would often go in and cover it. Now, he is gone, sadly, and she still doesn’t cover anything. I have no idea how to get a cat to do it if they don’t want to! You might want to try a new litter, though, and put out 2 boxes, one with the new litter one with the old, and see how that works.

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      This can be a side effect of arthritis. Or it could just resolve itself in time. Or he’s just silly.

      If you want to throw money at the problem, consider a auto-cleaning litterbox. Or just figure out how to take 2 seconds to grab the scooper and shove litter over it.

      1. blackcat*

        Not to make this a work problem since this is the weekend thread, but that’s what we do when one or the other of us is not in the middle of a video conference meeting. It just seems super awkward to pop out of a call for a minute to be like “sorry, I need to cover my cat’s poop.”

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          If possible, just mute and turn off your camera for a moment. I frequently mute because of my sneezing!

    4. TL -*

      My almost three year old cat sometimes covers her poo and sometimes gets distracted by wiping off her paws and doesn’t, though she’ll usually cover it next time she has to go. If I’m near, I’ll cover it where she can see. When she was little I’d “help” her cover by guiding her paws. It helped but I’d be careful depending on the age of the cat – if they have arthritis that would probably be very uncomfortable or even painful.

      Probably a covered or automatic litter box is your best bet for smell containing.

    6. Black Horse Dancing*

      Cats don’t always cover their poo. It can be a hierarchy thing, a bored thing, or simply it hurts to flush thing. Just be happy he’s using the box! I agree with muting the Zoom call/camera off, then quickly scoop or cover. Your colleagues don’t need to know at all what you’re doing. Then light incense if you like it or simply light a match and blow it out.

    7. Kitty*

      My cat had severe GI problems and his poops began to smell so bad I would gag and vomit. After much trial and error, I ended up putting him on a raw diet. The size of his poops became much smaller and the smell was barely noticeable.

  33. Jackalope*

    Anyone had an interesting or amusing mishap (preferably non-COVID-related, although I’m not too particular) to share? I had one recently that was awful at the moment but is becoming more amusing now that I have more than a week’s worth of days between me and The Incident, and I’d love to hear your stories too! Share something we can laugh (or shudder) at, that’s an okay story now that you’re out of it.

    CW: Bees

    So, background: my friend/housemate (let’s call her Nora) and I decide to go camping, since we both like it and what else is there to do this summer anyway? We stay up late the night beforehand, and so when we’re getting ready to leave the next morning I have a bunch of caffeinated tea to keep me awake. This has a predictable effect on my bladder, and so a few hours in I’m all about finding some facilities, which unfortunately are few and far between out in the middle of nowhere. We come to a trail head with an outhouse, and I’m seriously excited about it; I park the car and get out to go do my thing, when I realize there’s a serious fly in the ointment. Or rather, a bee. LOTS of bees. SO MANY BEES. (*Spoiler alert: not really bees; they are actually much worse.) They are large and black & white rather than the usual friendly yellow/black combination, and they are making it clear that I am an intruder. SO many new friends, and NONE of them acting happy to see me.

    Soon I have a swarm of large black eusocial insects flying and buzzing all around me and acting super aggressive, including regularly dive-bombing the car where Nora is still sitting. I walk over to the outhouse, nervous but also desperate, and there is a [so-called] BEE sitting on the handle. I move my hand nervously towards the handle and back off; her friends are clearly not fans of me trying to touch the handle, but matters are getting urgent. Eventually she moves and I try the handle, and it’s LOCKED. (Later Nora opines based on the fact that the outhouse seems to be the center of the swarm and there are many of our new friends flying in and out of the vents that the hive itself is probably inside, which if correct means that I was SUPER lucky that it was locked, but this did not feel lucky at the time…) I back away, and make my way back to the car as carefully as possible, with lots of loud, buzzing companions, while Nora is looking at one of the bees that landed on the windshield right in front of her and thinking, “This animal has a face like a skull; it can’t be a bee.”** We are both Captain Awkward readers (this will make more sense to our fellow CA fans), so when I crammed myself back in the car making incoherent scared noises while patting myself down for any new friends who joined me in the car [thankfully none of them had], she exclaimed, “IT’S FULL OF BEES!!!” CA uses that analogy for abusive relationships of all sorts, and let me tell you; having been someplace that was full of literal members of the bee family…. Well, I’m never going to date that outhouse, that’s for SURE. Final score: bees 1, Jackalope & Nora, 0. Their home was safe.

    (I will add that they were most restrained, given how close we were to their hive [even if we were wrong about it being in the outhouse, the fact that there were so many of them indicates that it was still close by]. Neither of us got stung at all, or got any other consequences other than some stern warnings. Which is good, given that their sting apparently feels like being hit by a baseball bat.)

    ** For those of you who are wondering, it turns out they were bald-faced hornets, which are a type of yellow jacket. If you aren’t familiar with them, go look at the Wikipedia picture, and that’s pretty much what she was looking at.

    1. Mimmy*

      I don’t have any stories to share but O. M. G. !!! I would not have made it to the door handle, I would’ve immediately hightailed it back to the car!

      1. WellRed*

        Seriously. Jackalope, it’s like you were in a slow motion horror movie and we’Re all screaming “get back in the car”!!

      2. Jackalope*

        All I can say in my defense is that I REALLY needed to pee. So much so that my sense went out the window.

    2. Esmeralda*

      Ho-leeee crap, you are lucky! Wasp stings huuuuurrrrrttttt, and those insects are very aggressive.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I live in the woods. Apparently we have a cracked in something somewhere but we can’t find it. What HAS found the crack? Two or three rounds of ants. House flies gslore. A carpenter bee. A white-faced hornet. A big black wasp.
      I’ve never used fly swatter or pesticide like I’ve had to this year!

    4. Girasol*

      I did go look at the picture and OMG! Wikipedia says that although they are beneficial for pest control they will defend their nest vigorously, not just by stinging, but they have the unique ability to *squirt venom into a nest predator’s eyes.* Run away, run away!!

    5. Pam*

      I had a lovely trip-&-fall the other day. Neuropathy means I can’t feel my feet, and my large Frankenstein shoes don’t help.
      I was moving the baby gate that keeps our dogs separated, caught my foot in the electric fan cord, and fell in slow motion. My glass of tea flew through the air, and turned a somersault on the way down. I said a few curse words on the way down, but got up with nothing but bruises.

    6. allathian*

      Yikes! Now I’m curious, how long did it take until you actually got the chance to pee? I’ve been forced to resort to peeing by the side of the road more than once because when I gotta go, I GOTTA GO. The two-door trick works. You open both the front passenger door and the rear door and pee in the space that can’t be seen from either side, as long as you’re in a reasonably sheltered spot and not immediately facing any houses. To be fair, I’ve only done this when traveling with my husband and son. They avert their eyes but it’s not the end of the world if they see my bare ass.

      1. Jackalope*

        I drove a couple more miles down the road, jumped out of the car, and did one of the fastest pees of my LIFE, even though there were no members of the bee family present at all that I saw this second time. So maybe 15 minutes? Thankfully there was virtually no traffic (I think there were maybe two other cars during the hour we spent on that road?), so I waited for a spot where I could pull over and didn’t see anyone else coming. The only person who might have seen me was Nora, who didn’t care.

    7. PNW Dweller*

      Mine is just funny. I stopped by to visit my parents and their 1 year old dog was so happy to see me. I went out to his yard, played a bit and when I tried to go back in, he grabbed my shoelaces from one shoe and tried to pull me back into the yard. They have a grab bar by the door and I was close enough to hold onto that as he quickly had me off my feet. I looked like I was in hurricane gale force wind (and I’m not a small person!) I was laughing so hard, as was my stepmom, so it took a little bit of time to get my feet back on the ground.

  34. Goose*

    Sometime this fall I am planning to visit my parents for a number of weeks, but I have no idea what to do about my cat. I can’t bring her with me because of family allergies, and I’m not sure my normal sitter (1 hour/day) will be enough for her. She’s been so needy since quarantine started (unable to entertain herself despite toys, window ledges, perches, etc. and we play and cuddle a LOT.

    I wouldn’t want anyone staying at my place, but she doesn’t like other animals so dropping her off with a sitter would be tough. I’m anxious, but also feel silly like I’m over thinking it. Am I being a cat helicopter mom?

    1. I take tea*

      You are not overthinking it. You do need to plan for your pets. A sitter one hour per day for several weeks would absolutely not be enough, I would not do that for longer than a weekend. Do you have any friends or maybe a trusted colleague who could look after her in their own home for some weeks? Maybe somebody who would like a pet during these times, but do not want the long time responsibility. They might like to borrow the cat for a while, as long as you bring all their stuff and food and work out funding for emergencies (tip: write down the number/s to emergency veterinary as well as the standard one, if you have one). I think it would be the least stressful alternative, if you don’t want anybody in your home (which I can understand).

    2. Ali G*

      I think if you are going to be gone weeks, an hour a day is not enough. What is the reason for not wanting someone to stay in your place? In general I don’t like to leave my home empty for a long time, so I like having someone there while I am gone. Do you have a friend that can stay maybe a couple of days a week or where the cat can go stay? You could also try Rover and see if there are any sitters that don’t have other pets.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      If you don’t want someone staying at your house and you don’t want to drop her off with a sitter, then you should think about boarding her if you can afford it. You can try a boarding place or ask your own vet. My vet charges something like 15.00/day. I realize that’s going to add up, but this is multiple weeks and the it sounds like you don’t want the two best options. The alternative is to have someone come twice a day.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I wouldn’t board a pet if I could help it, honestly. I think you’re better off reconsidering whether you can have someone stay over, maybe an acquaintance or someone who is well recommended.

      Otherwise I’d ask around for people who would actually like a quiet, private daytime space. There are a lot of students and WFH who might really value being able to come to your place during the day and who would be willing to play with the cat in exchange for a stipend, wifi, and a quiet workspace.

      1. Liz*

        This is a good idea. I’d expect to still pay someone to come to my house every day but if you could find someone willing to spend the majority of the day at your place and use the space to work for the day, it’d at least get your cat in the company of a person for a good amount of time but wouldn’t be someone fully living at your house.

        I definitely would not board the cat for several weeks, I imagine that would be extremely stressful for kitty. I also think it really isn’t fair to kitty be alone for 23 hours a day either. For a shorter vacation, sure, but not for a number of weeks.

    5. Kathenus*

      One additional thought is to start weaning on the amount of playing and cuddling now – not stopping them, but reducing them so that it’s not such a huge difference when you go away and it’s a pet sitter. You have the luxury of some time to do that, which may help her deal with it better if it’s not going from play/cuddles all day to one or two hours seeing a petsitter.

    6. Roja*

      For a couple of weeks, you do need to have someone stay over, or you need to find a friend or local foster family who can take her for a while–preferably someone she already knows! But that’s a really, really long time to leave a single cat. Your other option is boarding her. But please don’t leave her by herself that long.

    7. Anon here*

      Maybe reconsider someone staying at your place? Cats do best in their own home, of course, and the less disruption for her, the less you’ll worry. We did have a pet sitter basically live at our house for a 12-day trip, and he spent the night. It was a little weird, and I’m a pretty private person, so I had to choose what would be best for my cat so I could enjoy the trip. We did have to return a movie he’d left in the (was afraid to look at the title, but it was just a regular movie, whew!), but the mail was brought in, plants were watered, house wasn’t left vacant, and most importantly, my cat was safe and as happy as she could be without me and a stranger in the house (who wasn’t such a stranger after a few days). A previous cat needed to be boarded for medical/observation reasons, and refused to eat. Luckily, that was only a couple of nights. You know your cat best, and your comfort level of having someone stay in your home, but if you can make adjustments so you’re as comfortable with it as you can be, that’s where I’d focus my energy.

    8. Goose*

      Based on everyone’s comments, I’m reconsidering someone staying over. I’m going to reach out to a few people so it’s not a stranger staying. Thanks all!

      1. allathian*

        Good luck! If that person doesn’t live too far away, they wouldn’t even have to sleep in your house. Even with clean sheets, etc. I wouldn’t be comfortable with anyone from outside our immediate family sleeping in my bed.

      2. Emma*

        Yeah, that’s really what I would recommend. When I had a kitty I had a trusted friend who lived out in the suburbs and always enjoyed staying in my city apartment with the cat for a few weeks while I was on vacation. Kitty got company and I gave friend a nice gift – still way less expensive than boarding. I tried boarding once and kitty was a nervous wreck – they are very territorial and can get pretty freaked out in a new environment.

        1. Windchime*

          Years ago, I used to board my cats at the vet. They charged a little extra for a “kitty condo” so I thought, “Yes, I want my cats to have the condo!” Turns out the “kitty condo” was a cage that was slightly bigger than the non-condo cages.

          I would avoid boarding at a place like that if possible. I felt terrible knowing that I had been leaving my cats caged for days on end. Now I have a house sitter coming in.

        2. Jaid*

          I’d look after my parents cats when they went on vacation. It helped that they recognized me as someone who already had been visiting.

    9. Black Horse Dancing*

      Many pet sitters also do house sitting. A bonded pet sitter is worth their weight in gold.

  35. tabby cat troubles*

    Hello all. This is my first time posting in the weekend open thread. I have a question about my cat, and I’m hoping someone can help.

    I have a 7 year old female fixed cat. I’ve had her for 4 years. In the past 8 days, she has defecated outside of her litter box twice. She defecated in an entirely different room than her box. I called the vet and scheduled an appointment for next week, but in the meantime, does anyone have experience with this? My cat has always had very good and clean litter box habits, and there have no been no changes in the household, so I’m not sure what is going on. This is the first time that she has had accidents like this. She continues to urinate in her box, the two accidents have been poop.

    I have not thoroughly cleaned her litter box in a long time. I scoop twice a day but rarely actually change the litter. Could this be contributing to the problem?

    Thank you!

    1. Goose*

      Giving it a good clean couldn’t hurt. Is she drinking enough water? Has her eating habits changed at all? Not going in the litter box is a clear code for ‘something’s not right.’ If she’s not spraying it doesn’t sound territorial, but more that she’s uncomfortable in the box for some reason. Could be the box, could be the littler, could be something medical. Glad you’re headed to the vet!

    2. A313*

      It could very well be the litterbox. I completely change the litter once a week and wash the box with a mild dish detergent and lots of hot water. Cats’ sense of smell and cleanliness is so much better than ours, so even if you think it smells fine, she might not. Also, do this before it becomes a habit for her to do her business elsewhere, or you have a bigger challenge trying to direct her back to the box. The vet visit is also a good idea, just in case, but the box cleaning has to happen either way.

      1. A313*

        Dr. Elsey’s litter is very popular (we use it), and I understand it’s helpful to get cats back to their litterbox.

      2. tabby cat troubles*

        Thank you for this. I just got done thoroughly cleaning her entire box. I dumped the old litter and used hot water and dish soap to scrub out the box and the lid. I also went ahead and cleaned the little room her box is in, figured it couldn’t hurt. I poured fresh litter in and her box is cleaned and ready. I also left the lid off because I read online that sometimes lids make cats uncomfortable in their box.

        She’s used this type of litter and box for years, so I’m wondering if the issue is that it was just too dirty and she was a little fed up.

        1. A313*

          Yeah, she could have gotten fed up :) I meant to ask if there was a lid. Some cats like them, but many don’t. They trap odors in the box if it’s not as clean as she’d like. If she continues going outside the box, or if she hasn’t been in a while, a vet visit can see if there’s anything going on medically. Good luck!

          Funny story: one of my cats accidentally got trapped in the closet and attached bathroom for the day (no litterbox in there). We got home after work and my husband discovered the the cat chose to poop on one of the silicone and foam knee pads he used for working on yard projects. It was an interesting choice — I figured that since the knee pads were well-used, they probably had a strong “scent” to them already; and the poop was perfectly centered in one knee pad.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I have multiple cats and I very rarely change the litter. I scoop everyday, but I don’t find I need to completely change it out. What kind of litter do you use? It’s possible you’re using something that actually does need to be changed out.

      I’m more inclined to think it’s something to do with either age or more likely a parasite and/or protozoa. One of my cats was doing this for months even though we scoop everyday. Since I have a lot of cats, I couldn’t figure out who was doing it since I never saw anyone do it. It took awhile before I finally caught him in the act. I had his stool sample tested and he had roundworm and coccidia. An online search says: “Coccidiosis is an intestinal tract infection caused by a one-celled organism (a protozoa) called coccidia.” I had to give him two rounds of meds for the coccidia and I’m treating for the roundworm now, which is also two rounds. I haven’t found poop on the floor in at least a week, which is a big improvement.

      1. tabby cat troubles*

        Yeah, her last stool sample was 2018 so the vet said to definitely bring a stool sample so they can check. I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if that is the issue. She’s used this same litter and box for years so its not like I tried a new brand or anything, and there have been no changes in the house. So my two guesses are either that she has a parasite, or maybe it was just too dirty and she was annoyed.

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      My first thought would be she’s making it clear that you need to empty and wash the box, then put clean litter in. Assuming that’s the case – you now know that you need to be better about litterbox maintenance.

    5. cat socks*

      Dumping the litter and entirely cleaning the box is a good thought. Dr. Elseys cat attract litter is good for kitties who have had litter box avoidance issues.

      However since nothing else has changed, my first thought is that it could be a medical issue. Your vet should be able to determine that with a stool sample.

      I have five cats and their litter boxes are made from large storage boxes. It’s very awkward and heavy to completely dump the litter and clean them out. I usually do it a few times a year because I need to haul them to the driveway and hose them out. Otherwise I just add fresh litter as the level gets low.

    6. Kathenus*

      I think you’re hitting on the two most likely things – a medical issue, since this can definitely cause some cats to associate the litterbox with discomfort if they have a health issue involving urinating or defecating; and litterbox hygiene.

      I scoop my litterboxes anytime I notice they’ve been used, and fully change out and scrub them every 2-3 weeks. I definitely notice my cat seeming a bit put off by the litterbox if I go too long before full cleanings.

      Good chance it’s one of those two. Since your vet appt. isn’t until next week, I’d suggest scrub and change out your litterbox right now to see if things change between now and the vet appointment, as a data point to help figure this out. Good luck.

    7. tabby cat troubles*

      Thank you all! I just got done thoroughly cleaning her box. I emptied the old litter and scrubbed out the box with hot water and dish soap. I also went ahead and cleaned the little room her box is in as well. The box is cleaned out with fresh litter in it. She’s of course taking her Saturday 12-hour nap right now, so I’ll keep an eye on her later when she’s up. Thank you again!!!

    8. Dancing Otter*

      Could she be angry about something? My daughter’s tomcat does his business on her clothes when he feels she hasn’t been giving him the proper amount of worship and treats.

    9. Black Horse Dancing*

      Kiity may simply want two litterboxes–one to defecate in, one to urinate in. Also, arthritis can cause this as well as gut issues. And if kitty is declawed–a horrible practice–that can also lead to litterbox issues.

  36. Dnd Newbie*

    I just joined my first DnD group with a group of strangers online, and I have a question about the DM. It’s a specific group for beginners, but it feels like he’s frustrated with decisions we make. For example, we are currently attempting a prison break and have been chatting this week to come up with a plan. The DM occasionally pops in to tell us why something won’t work, and it seems like there is “one” solution that we just aren’t getting and it’s making everyone, including the DM, frustrated. Is this a case of “puzzles for toddlers” or should I speak up and ask him what he wants?

    1. merp*

      I don’t have a solution, but I would say this is not really great DM behavior! The DM’s role is to go with what the party ends up doing – I am sure it’s frustrating sometimes (where once the party I was in completely ignored the main plot to talk to every NPC in the tavern because we thought it was fun, for instance) but they shouldn’t really be railroading you in one direction and one direction only.

      DMing is super challenging and I’m not trying to be rude about this person – just that I think you are right to be frustrated by this. Maybe bringing it up as a group can help if you get the sense they wouldn’t be too defensive about it.

    2. GoryDetails*

      Yeah, that’s not a good way for a DM to handle things. It can be helpful with newbies to be a bit more proactive in guiding their choices, but there are in-game ways to do that – charismatic innkeeper, renowned local wise-person, even a rival band of adventures who can be overheard discussing the DM’s desired plan at a nearby table at the pub… That doesn’t always work either, but it can be a fun way to nudge the players into asking the more helpful questions.

      And you can always just talk to the DM, explaining that you’d prefer it if he provided some more direct hints rather than simply putting down each of the players’ suggestions until they land on the right one. Though if the other players are enjoying the figure-it-out stage you may need to be more patient.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Ditto to the DM hasn’t thought through the plot options. A good DM will take the unexpected and run with it. Like when a friend admits to nightmares about a specific type of monster the night the campaign is due to start, and DM was going to use hordes of that monster as plot point…. and the friends didn’t know for decades.

    4. AcademiaNut*

      Yeah, this is bad DMing. I’ve seen this referred to a “pixel b!tching” after the old point and click adventures where you had to find the exact pixel to click on to progress.

      A good (and experienced) DM will set up a situation, have a couple of ideas of how it could be resolved, and then let the players run with it, adapting as necessary. Some groups will go for brute force (attack en masse, fireballs and lightning bolts) others will be more subtle, and some will get really creative and outright weird.

      Also, a DM shouldn’t be telling you “no that won’t work”!!! That the opposite of how RPGing should go. They should be clarifying rules as needed, but not vetoing your plan. Instead, they should let you run it and see what happens – it might work, it might end horribly. As a DM I might give novice players suggestions on effective implementation of their plan, but wouldn’t make them play mind reading games, or micromanage them into doing what I would.

    5. PNW Dweller*

      I’m sad your DM is being a control freak. The best part of D&D is getting to use your imagination. The DM in return needs to be able to adapt to how you guys approach your task. Can you tactfully suggest that strategy chats don’t include the DM? If that doesn’t fly it may be more enjoyable to find another group. Before giving up, a last ditch might be “DM, I gotta be honest, it seems like we aren’t on the same page. Instead of being fun, this is becoming an exercise of frustration for everyone. I’m not sure if this is for me. Is there something you can think of that would help our knowledge gap?” Also, have you heard of Critical Role? It’s a live D&D group, you can watch old episodes on YouTube. Matt Mercer is their DM, you will be able to see how a great DM helps guide the group.

    6. Ktelzbeth*

      Agree that this doesn’t sound right or fun. Not everything will work, but the DM should let you try anything game-legal and fail, perhaps in a hilarious way, instead of telling you things won’t work. I’ve even known DMs to be so enthralled with a solution the players came up with that the DM let it work, even though it wasn’t the initially planned solution.

        1. DnD Newbie*

          Thanks! It was only our third session but I had gotten attached. Back to the character creator…

  37. Bekx*

    My mom is incredibly emotionally immature and I’m really struggling with how to be around her. My husband and I are trying for a baby, so this has been extra pressure since I know she will want to be involved.

    She’s the type of person who has temper tantrums, silent treatment, slamming doors, sighs, etc. She refused to talk to me the day after my wedding because the preview photos my photographer gave us the day after didn’t have any of her in them. She gets easily offended and has maybe apologized to me three times in my entire life and that’s only when my dad tells her to. I love my dad but he enables her.

    I went to therapy when I was wedding planning about it, but I don’t think I was with the right therapist. Her advice was to treat my mom as a toddler and remember that toddlers can’t express emotions the way adults can. That’s great and all, but it still doesn’t help when I’m in the situation and she’s doing something inappropriate or embarrassing.

    Any time she’s critcized she blames it on her disability or her breast cancer or her heart condition. She won’t let my dad even go out to lunch with me without her there too.

    I’m at my wits end. It’s exhausting. People tell me to set boundaries but what does that mean? I can’t cut her out of my life, because she does love and care about me, but being around her is exhausting.

    What do I do?

    1. Colette*

      First of all, you can cut her out of your life if you don’t want her in it. But first I’d try some boundaries.

      “Mom, I’m not going to talk to you when you’re acting like that.”
      “You sighed, is something wrong?” – and then if the response is anything but a clear statement of a problem you can fix (and want to fix), move on and ignore any further sighing.
      “Please don’t slam the doors.”
      “If you aren’t going to talk to me, I’m going to leave/hang up” – and then follow through.

      Basically, ignore any behavior that’s not OK, or call her on it. And enforce consequences (which are likely to be packing up and leaving or hanging up the phone).

      And like a toddler, you have to be consistent 100% of the time, or you’ll train her that if she continues to behave badly you’ll give in.

      (And I’m sure she loves you as much as she is able to do so, but … part of love is doing things that are good for the other person, and that doesn’t seem to be happening here. If you need to walk away, that is OK.)

      1. Bekx*

        Thanks for supplying some scripts. That helps. Last time I took the high road, and man was it hard, but I do agree it probably is the most effective. It was sad because I wanted to talk to my dad more, but he enables her so I have to be consistent. You’re right.

      2. Mimosa Jones*

        If you ask your mom if anything is wrong and she says no, then you can say, “Ok well unless you tell me, I’m going to assume you’re happy.” The toddler version would be “use your words.” Then you’re free to ignore any silence and stomping because she’s been informed that it’s her responsibility to tell you when she’s upset with you.

    2. Esmeralda*

      Let me just say that yes, you can cut her out of your life. Just because she loves you doesn’t mean you have to put up with her exhausting, mean, selfish, embarassing, or nasty behavior. You just don’t.

      You don’t have to cut her out of your life completely, of course, but please know that it is a perfectly reasonable option.

      Boundaries: read captain awkward’s blog. That’s the best resource anywhere on what boundaries are, how to set them, how to maintain them. Plus she’s a good writer!

      1. Bekx*

        Thanks, I love captain awkward. I should read her more often, my struggle is I tend to get angry when she does these things because I feel like I’ve told her I don’t like it when she says XYZ or does ABC before, so my fuse is a lot shorter than it would be with a rude stranger.

        1. Observer*

          This is one place where your therapist’s advice come into play. You are reacting like she’s a reasonable ADULT who should be able to respond appropriately to the things you tell her. But she’s a toddler, stuck in permanent toddlerhood. How would react to a toddler?

          Also, the tools you use with her are the same as you would use for a toddler. Just dressed up a bit. Will they change who your mother is? Not likely. Will they change some of her worst behaviors? Possibly. Will they make your life easier and less stressful? Undoubtedly.

          TLDR; Your mom is a toddler. So, you don’t let a toddler get away with bad behavior but, emotionally, you don’t take it the same way to you take it when an adult misbehaves.

          You’ve gotten some good scripts. Use them or edit in ways that make you more comfortable.

    4. Dan*

      I’ve functionally cut my mother out of my life. This is somewhat awkward, because she’s still married to my dad, whom I’m close to, and they still live together. So how does that work? Well, I live 600 miles away and I talk to my dad on the phone after she goes to bed, so that seems to work. I visit once a year, stay for a holiday weekend, and that’s it.

      It’s not as awkward as it may sound, because mom doesn’t think or communicate at an adult level. So most things are really shallow without any real substance. She’s been developing memory problems, which compounds things — she now repeats the same things over and over, and if you tell her that, she then flies off the handle.

      Yes, my mother loves me (or so she says) but I’ve just come to accept that she loves me in the way that she can, not necessarily in the way that I need her to.

      1. Bekx*

        Thanks, your mom’s memory problems are pretty much how my mom has been my entire life (brain injury), so I relate with that well.

        1. allathian*

          If it’s a disability, it may help you to think that your mom isn’t being malicious. Obviously what she’s doing isn’t acceptable even if it isn’t intentional. You’re definitely still allowed to set boundaries on what kind of behavior you’re willing to tolerate from her. It’s important to learn this now so that you can protect any children you may have in the future.

          1. Firefly*

            One note here: it is possible for someone to have a disability that affects X and still be malicious in ways that involve X. For example, my mom had anxiety attacks and needed to take tranquilizer a to cope, which meant lots of naps and inability to drive. However, if she was mad at teenage me or my brother, and our dad was working, she would purposefully take an (I needed) tranquilizer so she couldn’t drive us to special events. She admitted this later when she was more stable. Led to us feeling like we had to be understanding of actions that were specifically mean

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Yes, my mother loves me (or so she says) but I’ve just come to accept that she loves me in the way that she can, not necessarily in the way that I need her to.

        As someone with mother issues, this is really helpful and something I’ll keep in mind.

    5. LGC*

      Okay, so…apologies for invalidating your entire experience, but here’s some tips:

      1) To be honest, you can cut your mom out of your life. She might have good intention(somewhere…), and I don’t doubt that she does love you and care for you, but her behavior is causing you a huge amount of pain. How much a person loves you (or says they love you) shouldn’t matter that much – if they have a history of hurting you, you’re not obligated to give them your time.

      It’s something I’ve found freeing in similar situations – I don’t have to put up with abuse just because the abuser did something nice for me (or even a lot of nice things for me).

      (Caveat: there are some situations where people ARE genuinely trapped, especially in domestic abuse situations. But it doesn’t sound like this is in play here.)

      2) This does not mean that you should cut your mom out of your life. First of all, it doesn’t sound like you want to. Second, even though I wrote a novel about the joys of estrangement, it’s not all puppies and rainbows – you definitely do want to continue seeing your dad, and I think that if you estrange yourself from your mom, you’re going to estrange yourself from your dad too.

      3) I think the missing piece of what your therapist said was…you also don’t treat toddlers like adults partly because they don’t have emotional regulation. You’re planning to have a baby soon, right? So imagine a couple of years from now, you and your husband were successful and now have a toddler. You’re baking a cake, and your two-year-old daughter wants to HELP MOMMY BAKE. Do you let her get her little hands in everything, pour the batter into the cake pan by herself, put it in the oven, and then take the hot cake out when it’s done?

      I’d hope not.

      4) So basically, if I were you I’d start with the middle road of…not having your mom as involved with major decisions. One term of art I’ve heard is putting her on an information diet (which is slightly different – you don’t give her as much information about sensitive decisions), which is another way of thinking about it. And I think that – unfortunately – might have to apply to your dad as well. It sounds like he’s influenced by her to the point where you can’t see him without her (!!!), so you might not be able to share as much with your dad as you’d like.

      It sounds like that might be the best situation – pulling back somewhat on the contact, but not entirely pulling back. She might (okay, probably will) fight this, but that’s her problem.

      1. Bekx*

        Thank you so much for your detailed reply. I really connected with a lot of what you said. She’s been on an information diet for a year or so now, because she was sharing details of my life to her coworkers, but she craves any sort of information about me… Even if it’s just that the dog farted in her sleep.

        You’ve given me a lot to think about for sure!

        1. valentine*

          she craves any sort of information about me… Even if it’s just that the dog farted in her sleep.
          This is obsession. Why? What does she get out of it? Because that’s what’s happening. You tell her not to do xyz and she steamrolls you because she needs it and you’re willing to continue playing your role.

          I can’t cut her out of my life
          Because of this, whether you told your therapist this or just because she sees the interaction continues, I think your therapist was saying your mom isn’t going to change. She may love you, but is her love, both noun and verb, useful, much less beneficial to you? I see only harm on your tale, and you don’t have to keep living like this. Since your parents are a unit, you have to treat them as such. It’s painful to you, but what if you could detach and reducing contact also reduced your anxiety, dread, and fear? I’d try it for six months, then another. Until you feel free.

          And your dad isn’t merely enabling her. She’s a boat rocker and his role as the at-first-glance less-bad guy is a vital leg of your triangle. (See: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share.) She couldn’t do what she did/does without him.

          You may want to search JustNoMIL for stories of crashing the birth (don’t tell her you’re pregnant until the kid’s 20; barring that, don’t reveal how far you are, so she can’t estimate the due date), doorstepping, and home invasion.

          Further reading: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist; Adult Children of Immature Parents; Emotional Blackmail; The Emotional Incest Syndrome: When a Parent’s Love Rules Your Life; Toxic Parents; and My Mother, My Self.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      Try therapy again. I hope you get a compatible therapist this time. You’re dealing with a lot and you need someone who is neutral with advice. Hopefully, in sessions, you’ll determine your emotional needs and if your mother is capable of giving you what you need. Boundary setting and enforcing them are great things to learn and practice in the relative safety of a therapist’s office. New mothers need to do a LOT of boundary setting with other adults and the skill is essential in parenting.
      I hope you and your husband have good news soon.

    7. Jessi*

      Might I suggest you spent some time on the reddit forum justnomil? I feel like you could have a good place to vent and get advice there.

      I personally would just ignor her acting like a child. Ignore sighs and treat silent treatment like a gift.
      For bad behaviour just up and leave every single time “Seems like you are too upset to carry on with this visit/ phone call, so I’m going to go. Call you again next week/ see you next time”.

      this is your baby, and body and life and you don’t have to let her be involved any more than you WANT her to be

    8. Not So NewReader*

      There’s lots of videos on YouTube about narcissistic parents. You might want to check them out, perhaps something will parallel your setting.

      I think that you will have to draw your lines with her, set your boundaries. My mother had poor behavior in public so I quit going places with her. It was too much work. And I kept going drawing a boundary on specific things as I went along. She would drive me places and I am not sure how I got there alive. So I took over driving. She had made it very clear that she hated doing meals and laundry for me, so I took over that (by the time I was about 7).
      Finally I moved out and did not see her that much. She claimed she loved me but her definition of love and my definition of love did not match at all. She loved me when I marched to her tune and she could shut love off like it was a water faucet. That’s not love.

      1. allathian*

        Whoah, doing your own meals and laundry at 7? How old were you when you finally moved out? You learned to be independent early, that’s for sure.

        1. PNW Dweller*

          Having a narcissistic parent I think leads you into taking care of yourself. I was in the same boat. You can’t have needs because theirs are always more important. If I remember correctly my 1st or 2nd grade specialty was instant mashed potatoes. Moving in with my dad and stepmom full time at 15 was strange. For the first time in my life I was allowed to be a kid; and I was told (by my stepmom) that school lunch making was the mom job. So was laundry.

          1. allathian*

            Awww, that’s sweet! You had a good stepmom, although to be fair, I think it’s a parent’s duty to teach their kids to do chores as they get older. My son’s great at filling and emptying the dishwasher and folding and putting away his clean clothes. Parents do a great disservice to their kids if they teach them to expect to be waited on hand and foot. If they can’t do basic chores, nobody’s going to want to live with them when they get a bit older. But yeah, expecting a 7-year-old to do everything for herself is bad parenting at best and it would be considered neglect in many places.

          2. Batgirl*

            Yeah, my partner has a toddler-mother and he is a crazy level of competent born of early onset responsibility, and gets kind of fidgety when people are doing something for him as though he is not allowed to be a guest, or to be cared for. She on the other hand gets nostalgic for the days when he was her child carer and doesn’t feel that adults looking after her is quite the same level of emotional fulfilment. I get really evil and say “Ooh tell me about how you used to mark his birthdays!” (She didn’t and knows she should have). She does legitimately have conditions but she quite despises treating them or even entertaining independences that she could do. Every time she behaves like his worth is tied to serving her his confidence is crushed. He sees her for who she is, but really struggles to see himself.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          I was 20. I decided I was not going to leave and come back, leave and come back. I decided that I would leave once and that would be it. So I waited for that time where I knew I could jump and make it.

          In some ways, it actually helped me. I can work with next to nothing and keep going. It’s to the point that bosses comment, “You never need anything….”. It just never occurs to me to ask for much stuff. I can usually take what is in front of me and make it work.
          The other way it has helped me is that nothing that has happened to me since those years has been that hard. Nothing.

      2. Texan In Exile*

        She had made it very clear that she hated doing meals and laundry for me, so I took over that (by the time I was about 7).

        Holy smoke that is so wrong. I am so sorry that your mother neglected you like that. You were a little kid. You should not have had to prepare your own food and wash your own clothes!

        My mom did not get up to make us breakfast starting when I was about ten, I think. I learned when I was an adult that she had been deeply depressed and just couldn’t get out of bed. This was in the 70s before they had the good drugs. She has since taken anti-depressants and is a new woman.

        I am now 56. When I saw her in March, she told me, unprompted, that she was sorry that she had not made our breakfasts when my siblings and I were kids. I was gobsmacked. I hadn’t brought it up. I have never mentioned it to her. But I have known my entire adult life that there is something really weird about parents leaving their kids to fend for themselves in the morning before school.

        I am sorry you had to go through that. It’s wrong.

        1. Black Horse Dancing*

          I don’t think it’s weird. In my large family, we all made our breakfasts (cereal and milk) and lunches–lunches from first grade on and breakfast from 7 or so. Kids are very capable of these simple things.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            I’m fine with teaching kids to do stuff, no prob there.

            I see a problem when the parent has checked out and the kid is fudging their way through things because no one taught them or no food supplies are available. That’s neglect.
            I see an even larger problem when the parent tells the kid that they don’t deserve to have food. That’s disgusting.

    9. Natalie*

      For whatever it’s worth, I have a newish baby (4 months old) and I haven’t been in communication with my mother for 2-1/2 years. I’m working with a therapist right now to decide what I would want if/when I decide to get back in touch with her and let her spend time with my daughter.

      I might consider giving therapy a try again. It’s possible you weren’t with the right therapist, and it’s also possible that they could have explained further or suggested more or different tools if they knew that particular thing wasn’t helpful. Don’t be afraid to ask a therapist to explain or clarify something. I find it’s helpful for me to focus on actions and behaviors – I’m not really at a place where I need help delving into my childhood or untangling emotions, but I need help articulating what behaviors I can’t hang with, what I would like to see instead, and how to achieve that.

    10. Amy*

      I think there is a lot of good advice upthread already, so I will just add: when your baby arrives I think you will find that the importance of your parents in your life will take a backseat to the importance of your new family. You are not going to have the bandwidth to worry about your mom’s behavior as much, which is a good thing.

      You can be “busy” with motherhood as often as you need to be to ignore her calls (and truthfully, you WILL be really busy). You will also likely feel more of an obligation to stand up to her ridiculous behavior because you’re not just protecting yourself – you’re protecting your child. And access to grandkids can be a great motivator for people to change their behavior. The first time she pulls this kind of stuff with you and there’s a baby in the picture (even in utero) you can absolutely become distant and inform her that you are not interested in having her around your family if she’s going to behave that way. She can pout all she wants but it is YOUR call, and there’s nothing she can do about it. Heck, you can draw these boundaries now, but the leverage of the grandbaby sure will help. And they are boundaries you really do need to draw, both for your own mental health and to set an example for your (future) child who shouldn’t be exposed to this toxic behavior.

      One last note – when you are pregnant, I would recommend you think carefully about how much information to divulge to her and when. If she is going to be boundary-stomping and stressing you out you probably don’t want to share every detail with her, and I definitely wouldn’t include her in discussions about name choices, birth plans, or exact due dates. When you’re in labor, go have the baby and tell her after the baby is safely delivered. Access to this kind of info is a privilege that she doesn’t seem to have earned if she’s just going to stress you about over it.

      1. Bekx*

        Thanks for these tips. I have the added comication of having awesome inlaws, who my husband is extremely close with, my mom gets jealous that we are so close with them. I don’t tell her we see them, but sometimes my husband forgets and then we have to back pedal a bit. Or my inlaws say something that I hadn’t told my parents and then my mom gets offended because she heard it from them not us.

        1. Natalie*

          So with this kind of thing, in my experience you will tie yourself into knots trying to avoid offending your mother with the fact that you’re closer to other people. It’s not sustainable, especially with a child. Are you going to ask your kid to lie to your mom about events or time spent with your husband’s family?

          This will take some time, and probably some therapeutic support, but ideally you want to get to a point where you aren’t being led by the nose by her reactions. Maybe you still have some feelings about her reactions, sure, but you’re able to *tolerate* those feelings rather than manage them away.

    11. eeniemeenie*

      Setting boundaries means not taking responsibility for your mother’s behaviour or reaction.

      Let’s take as an example her silence treatment about your wedding photos. Taking responsibility for her sulking would look like this: “I’m so sorry the preview pictures didn’t have you in them, I’ll contact the photographer right now and ask them to send photos with you. Please don’t be mad, I’ll do this right away.”

      Removing the responsibility of your mum’s emotions to her might look like this: “I’m sad to hear you’re angry about this, but I didn’t personally choose the pictures the photographer sent to preview. If you want to contact them yourself you can do that. Happy to give you space to work out your feelings, let’s talk later, bye.”

      If she blames her disability or health condition about her behaviour, try saying this: “Yes, it’s difficult to live with a disability. However, it’s still hurtful when you slam doors/yell/cry because XYZ.”

      If she chooses not to be in your life because you won’t accommodate everything she demands, that’s *her* choice to sever ties with you and the only thing you can do is respect it. Or…give into her demands and feel stressed out. Can you sit with the discomfort of saying no to your mother? Or are you trying to ask how you can keep saying yes and be happy?

      When you have a parent like this it will invariable affect your husband and your future kids. She is not a toddler where you can put her down for a nap when she tantrums.

      1. Bekx*

        Thanks! I’m kind of proud of myself because that’s what I did with the wedding photo debacle! I’m trying to work on the feelings of embarrassment when she reacts this way. My husband reminds me that her behavior is not a reflection of me, but it’s hard to not care.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Feelings of embarrassment. Decide not to wear her embarrassment for her in the moment. I’ll do an example: Mom has bad behavior x and people are staring. Immediately say to yourself, “I refuse to carry your embarrassment for you, Mom. This is your embarrassment to wear/carry, not mine.” When you feel the feelings of embarrassment rushing toward you just say this quietly inside your mind right as the situation is unfolding. “I refuse to carry/wear your embarrassment FOR you.”

          It’s funny/odd you know, where I landed after a bit was that there is very little anyone can do in public or in a group that embarrasses me. It took me a while to get into the swing of this, but once I got it, then it just seemed to carry over to everyone. One time a friend decided to pull a joke on me while we were cashing out at a store. Friend thought he would catch me off guard. I did not even break stride. I just pushed it right back to him. We never went through that again.

          Something that is good to know, passers-by can see when a family member is giving a ration of crap to another family member. We read like open books to each other. Not everyone who sees you dealing with your mother’s behavior blames you, matter of fact, they marvel that you are still trying. Just so you know this….

        2. Batgirl*

          I think it’s pretty difficult to just decide you’re suddenly not going to feel something. It’s not like you decided TO be embarrassed; its not a decision so you can’t u-turn. Feelings are like the weather, when the conditions are right they manifest.. I think you have three options:
          1) Fake it till you make it. Act how your personal hard-to-embarrass hero would react. Sometimes feelings follow actions.
          2) Own the feelings. Exactly as though they did show up just like the weather. Say out loud “Wow, I am so embarrassed, please excuse me.” Warn your mother “I get embarrassed when you do x and will probably leave” . If she calls you an arsehole remember that feelings aren’t decisions: “Maybe! I’ve tried for years to be graceful enough to not care and I’m just not”. Or just acknowledge it to yourself that you won’t sit through any embarrassment and enjoy it any more than if it were rain.
          3) Avoid the situations you find embarrassing with minimal explanation “That’s not always enjoyable for me. No idea why it’s not not more fun” or “Sorry I’m busy”.

    12. Rusty Shackelford*

      When setting boundaries, one thing people don’t always understand is that you can’t expect other people to respect them. The way you set a boundary is that you decide what it is, and you enforce it yourself. So you can say “Mom, don’t treat me that way” until you’re blue in the face and it will accomplish nothing. The way to enforce that boundary is to say “Mom, I don’t want to talk to you when you’re like this, so I’m going to hang up now, bye!”

      Also, motherinlawstories dot com is a great site with lots of people who are in the same boat, and are full of good advice or just a listening ear. It’s not limited to MILs. Any troublesome family member is up for discussion! And it never ends up on Buzzfeed. ;-)

  38. Going Underground - arthritis advice please*

    Hello, regular reader/commenter using a different username today because I want to be anon.

    I wondered if anyone here has any advice about arthritis – particularly rheumatoid arthritis.

    Last weekend my fingers swelled up alarmingly and the joints on my thumb, index finger and middle finger were very painful.

    The swelling subsided by Monday morning, but the pain persisted, along with weakness in my hands (picking up heavy items hurts and doesn’t feel doable at the moment, I can’t open jars or carry heavy items).

    I had a phone consultation with my GP on Tuesday morning, and she booked me in for a blood test this week; she’s also going to check me over and look at my hands.

    My mum has rheumatoid arthritis (hers started about 7 years ago), and it began exactly like this. When the Dr heard my mum has RA she said it sounds likely that this is what it is, although of course they’ll look at other things it could be too. Having read up on the symptoms etc, I am feeling that it is likely to be RA or some sort of arthritis.

    I am hoping some of the wonderful AAM readers can give me advice about this – what things have worked for you to alleviate the pain and make your hands easier to use?

    I bought some compression gloves which are helping a little with the pain and swelling. I’ve also been alternating between putting my hands in hot water and cold water which helps, and not doing anything which stresses those joints or really hurts.

    I’m only 46 and have an office/computer/writing based job – I’m due to go back to work on 1st September but am feeling a bit worried about how I can do my job if my hands are still like this!

    I’ve not been taking Ibuprofen or anything because it doesn’t feel like the pain is intense enough for that, but would that help with the inflammation/swelling?

    I’m in the UK, which will probably inform the advice you give :)

    Thanks in advance for any help you can offer; I may not be able to check back/reply for a while, but I really appreciate any advice etc anyone can offer!

    1. nep*

      I am sure that others will have some direct experience / advice. Just putting this out there FWIW (and not sure whether it even applies)–A colleague said she and people she knew had astounding relief after cutting down or quitting dairy.

      1. Going Underground - arthritis advice please*

        I’ve not heard that before, thanks nep – I’m off to google!

      2. Reba*

        Yes, I have not had success with dietary changes, but I know a couple people who had less pain when they reduced dairy, nightshade plants, and coffee. It’s worth trying!

        (I was bummed that this didn’t help me, but OTOH I still have ketchup in my life.)

        My disease is well controlled by the “old” classes of drugs, which I’m grateful for. I had flares throughout my teens but wasn’t diagnosed until my twenties, so the tips I have are things I figured out based on what seemed to feel good and help my mystery joints.

        Everyday things I do that help are keeping everything warm (especially in winter), massage, and gentle compression, like the gloves or stretching bandages. Finally, exercise and keeping everything moving is key! I do basic range-of-motion exercises — I’ll put a link in reply to some suggestions. I try to do this every day. I don’t, but I try!

          1. Going Underground - arthritis advice please*

            Thank you for posting this link, Reba – those exercises (and the entire website!) look really helpful.

        2. Going Underground - arthritis advice please*

          Thanks Reba, that’s really helpful!

          Welp, my husband and I have a routine of having a bowl of fruit and yoghurt with a cup of fresh coffee each Saturday morning – if this is RA it sounds like I might be trialling going without that!

          I had a look at the NHS website earlier which linked to exercises – I thought ‘great, that’ll be useful’… until I clicked on the link to see just two exercises for hands! So I look forward to seeing your link once Alison’s had a chance to release it :)

          Thank you for your reply – it’s good to hear what has worked for you and it’s a useful reminder to exercise; it’s tempting to rest the joints all the time, but they’ll get worse if I just leave them to wither away!

          1. KeinName*

            Coconut-milk yoghurt tastes really similar to normal yoghurt I find :-)
            I‘d be careful of sudden lifestyle changes, since stress can make autoimmune illnesses (like rhematoid arthritis) have more impact. Maybe be gentle with yourself and see how bad this turns out to be, maybe it is totally manageable and goes away quickly! All the best!

            1. Going Underground - arthritis advice please*

              Good advice KeinName, thank you!

              I love coconut, so that sounds a delicious alternative!

              There’s been a lot of good advice on here (as I suspected!) but that’s a helpful reminder that: a) I don’t know what I’m dealing with yet, and b) it’s not a good idea to try out lots of different things at once :)

              If this is RA (or similar) I’m fortunate that it’s being investigated early on and there are lots of treatments available – you’re right, I need to relax and see what happens!

              Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

    2. Kathenus*

      I have psoriatic arthritis – in the same class as RA – and my wrists and thumbs are the biggest problem areas. Once you find the right meds, which might take some time, it should really help. Definitely see a rheumatologist. Ask about the possibility of a short-term prednisone prescription/dosepak to help with alleviating some of the pain and swelling while working on finding the right medications since they can take a while to build up to full effectiveness. Over the counter Aleve/naproxen sodium can help with the swelling.

      I found thumb and/or wrist braces that I could use when one was especially sore or for activities requiring more use of my hands. Another thing if you’re able to invest in it that helped me a lot early on before it was under control was a paraffin bath – it’s basically a warmer that keeps paraffin wax melted and you dip your hand/wrist in, then pull it out and let the layer of was harden a bit, then repeat. Very soothing and therapeutic for me.

      1. Going Underground - arthritis advice please*

        Thanks for your reply, Kathenus, I appreciate it.

        Yes, my mum noticed such a difference once she got meds in the correct dose etc. I’m not sure how soon I can be seen by anyone; I seem to remember it took a few weeks for my mum to be seen by a specialist, and that was pre-Covid.

        Thanks for the prescription advice and over the counter recs – I don’t recognise those OTC medications as being available in the UK so I’m off to google what brand names they are called over here!

        I’ve heard that paraffin baths are really good for joint pain, I’ll look into that, thank you.

        Thanks again for taking the time to reply :)

      2. Aerin*

        When Spouse first consulted a rheumatologist, they gave him a prednisone shot and he said it was like magic, which is how they confirmed the RA diagnosis. He went through a bunch of different drugs before settling on Humira, which has been working really well for him. Compression gloves also help when he’s having a flare-up.

        1. Going Underground - arthritis advice please*

          Thanks Aerin!

          My Mum had a couple of shots (she can’t remember of what, though!) and she said it was amazing, such fast relief.

          I find the compression gloves have helped, although I wish I could alter them to suit – for example I’d like them to compress a bit more around the worst joints. But compared to how my hands felt last weekend they’ve helped a lot.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Glucosaime works well for me.

      So did cutting back on sugars and increasing my water intake.

      I noticed a cousin had problems with arthritis. When she visited, she would tell me, “oh I am having a good day. Let’s get ice cream!” It was about an hour after she had the ice cream all of the sudden things would start hurting. It was amazing to watch this happen regularly. I dunno if it was the dairy or the sugar or both.

      1. Going Underground - arthritis advice please*

        Thanks NSNR!

        I used to take Glucosamine many years ago (I’m vegetarian and had read it was beneficial to take a supplement as I’m not getting it from fish etc). Not sure why I stopped taking it, I was probably too young to notice any benefits so thought it wasn’t worth doing :). I take a ‘well woman’ multivitamin due to low iron and b12 deficiency, but that would be a good addition, thank you for the tip.

        I eat healthily/low sugar, and drink plenty of water but useful to keep an eye on that.

        Nep mentioned above that dairy might be a trigger, it’s definitely something I need to investigate.

        Thanks again for your reply.

    4. Skeeder Jones*

      I have similar issues due to lupus and here’s what has helped me:
      Lidocaine patches (required a prescription in the US when I started using them but you can get them over the counter now). I would cut strips and wrap them around the problem joints (often needed a little tape to help them stay).
      Capsaicin cream: made from peppers and it kind of tingles the first few times you use it but it is well known to help with swollen joints.
      Anti-inflammatory: I know you said the pain isn’t bad enough for these but they do work well if you take them over time, like take a small dose every day as opposed to a larger dose when the pain gets bad. It is easier to prevent severe pain then to bring it down to a manageable level once the pain level spikes.

      1. Going Underground - arthritis advice please*

        Hello Skeeder, thanks for taking the time to reply.

        Lidocaine patches sound wonderful! It would be lovely to have something directly targeting the affected joints – the other things I’ve been trying cover the whole hand, and don’t necessarily target the area I need. Not sure if those are available in the UK but I’ll look into it.

        Never heard of Capsaicin cream, thanks for the tip, I’ll look into that too!

        Thanks for the advice regarding anti-inflammatories too – that makes sense.

        Lots to read up about, thank you so much!

    5. PNW Dweller*

      You have a family history so RA seems likely. I was suspected of having it, but one of the things I didn’t have was mirroring pain. It is common for both thumbs to hurt, not just one side or the other. Then they thought maybe psoriatic arthritis, so we tested my skin and came back eczema. I had pressure hives, that has calmed tremendously after going sugar free. I hope you find a great rheumatologist that will help diagnose and find solutions that work for you.

      1. Going Underground*

        Thanks PNW Dweller for your kind wishes.

        My dominant hand is definitely the worse; I have some pain in the same joints on my other hand but nowhere near as bad.

        Until my mum was diagnosed I didn’t realise how many different types of arthritis there are, I’d only heard of RA and osteoarthritis.

        I’m lucky that where I live has a renowned arthritis centre at the local hospital so I’m sure if this is an arthritis condition they’ll get to the bottom of it quickly.

        A few people I work with have gone sugar free and rave about the difference it’s made to their lives; I definitely need to look at what I’m eating/drinking I think.

        I eat a lot of fruit/veg as I’m vegetarian so I’m interested how that would work with going sugar free – do you still eat that sort of sugar, or is it more the processed sugar you’ve cut out?

        1. PNW Dweller*

          I have cut out processed sugar- and the hives come back reminding me when I indulge. I have generic (?) arthritis in my back – to the extent getting out of bed in the morning can be a challenge- and keeping processed sugar free eliminates most of that too. I’m so glad you live where you have excellent resources :)

          1. Going Underground*

            Thanks for indulging my curiosity :)

            I think it’s so interesting the effect sugar has on our bodies, definitely something I need to look at.

            That sounds painful; I’m glad you’ve found a way to lessen your symptoms.

  39. Tabby Baltimore*

    Photo comment only: A portrait of Sophie and her “bonus sons.” I thought the 6-cat photo from a few weeks back was very telling, in the sense that Sophie was right in the middle of the group, almost as if she was the sun around whom all the other cats orbited. She seems like the heart of her feline family. I always look forward to these weekly family portraits. (Eve, on the bannister, “where she should not be,” has definitely been the most memorable!)

    1. Bostonian*

      I really love the cat photos, too! They seem to be so well-behaved and like they get along together famously. Meanwhile, I only have 2 cats, and getting the both of them on the same page can seem impossible at times!

  40. My mouth still hurts*

    But I feel like I turned a corner. Thank you who posted on the weekend thread with the suggestion of cold soups!
    Super win!
    Last night I made cold cucumber, avocado, fennel soup. So delicious.
    Starting to read again.
    An engaging biography of Louise Fitzhugh (author of Harriet the Spy, Seal Press)

    2. Dan*

      I missed that thread last week. That said… Jose Andres has recipes for gazpacho in his vegetable cookbook. I made beet gazpacho last night, and it was BOMB.

      1. My mouth hurts less*

        thanks Dan, I will look for that. Not a fan of beets. HAH now I remember- when I was a kid- borcht! thats a cold soup. Nope. BUT I have peppers, cucumbers, and tomatoes. I think that is gazpacho, yes?

        1. Dan*

          I’m pretty sure that “gazpacho” can take many forms. You certainly have the base for it, but may need some acid such as lemon juice or what not. Chef Jose has like five variations in his book.

          Although… far be it from me to quibble with a chef of Jose’s caliber, but I’m pretty sure what he calls “gazpacho” is what most Spaniards would recognize as “salmorejo.” His recipes in that book blend in bread and emulsify it all with olive oil, which makes it distinctly not gazpacho AFAIK.

          TBH, if either is on the menu at any decent Spanish restaurant, I’m gonna order it.

          1. feeling much better, thank you for asking*

            I have bread, I have oil, I will look and see if this is supper. We have a high of 90 degrees today.

        2. Damn it, Hardison!*

          I’ve made Bon Appetit’s Summer Gazpacho several time this summer. It’s puréed, instead of being chunky (if you leave off the garnish), and so refreshing when it’s hot.
          Sara Moulton has a cold pea soup that I love, even without the shrimp and carrot topping. If you google Sara Moulton pea soup it will be the first result.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      We tried making broccoli in the instant pot and I messed up the timer and pretty much melted it… it made wicked good soup with chicken broth and a little thickening! And yes.. I ate it cold the next day. And I have never liked broccoli soup before.

    4. My mouth hurts less*

      Update and…
      Oral surgery 4 weeks ago. I am super slow healer due to a genetic condition.
      Was living on smoothies and root beer floats. Congee and rice pudding.
      I couldn’t read and many AAM weekenders gave me fabulously distracting Disney plus, HBO Max, and Netflix suggestions.
      AND soft food things to eat.
      I don’t recall having cold soup before but I have been getting CSA and had all the ingredients.
      Will try something tomato based next.
      Just in the last few days although still have pain, I know I am getting better because I am interested in things again and can read without being distracted by the pain.

  41. Ghostwriting is Real Writing*

    Question for some of you parents out there. During the pandemic, I have been doing a lot of video chatting with my grandchildren. I was thinking about getting the 8 and 10 year olds their own phones so they wouldn’t have to use their parents’ phones – with parents’ permission, of course. Is there a phone or service that would allow them to have internet service so they could video chat and maybe text pictures back and forth, but only have access to specific phone numbers? I would also want to be able to block all incoming numbers except from those same specific numbers. Neither their parents nor I would want them to have unfettered internet access or the ability to play games or watch YouTube on the phone or have random people call them – or them call random people. Anything like that out there?

    1. Jessi*

      Why not just buy a tablet? With no sim in it it would be reliant on the parents wifi, and you could just block Youtube.

    2. it happens*

      My sister solved this with a watch called tick talk. It’s an <$200 smart watch that can operate on wifi and for an additional ~$15/month outside of the house, with associated usage limits…
      My nibling can video call the people whose numbers the parents put into the app. He can can voice text with the parents because they have the app. I assume that others can have the app as well to enable the texting and photos. Said nibling loved having the watch to share EVERYTHING done while visiting the crazy aunt. Nibling’s Only complaint was that outgoing texts are voice-only (to help with kids who don’t read yet?)
      This is definitely an involve the parents discussion. Too many reddit threads on grandparents who have no respect for parental authority and see grandchildren as “do over” kids. (Not saying that’s you, just that it is a thing.)

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      A former co-worker bought a ‘Dick Tracy watch’ for her son that allows the parent to program specific authorized numbers to send/receive. I unfortunately don’t have any idea the brand name–but now you know it exists to look for.
      (Their first added numbers were parents, grandparents, school nurse, and best friend.)

    4. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Assuming they have wi-if in their house, the kids would not need to have cell phone service. You could get them an older smart phone and use an app to talk, text, or video call. Or a tablet would work as well.

      (Ipads and iphones have the FaceTime app – I am sure there is something similar for the other devices)

    5. My low taste in reading material*

      Please check with the parents first. There was drama when someone surprised my 1st grader with a kindle. This was back before parental controls existed. They expected us to connect it to our Amazon account, but there was no way to block the covers so all our R rated romance & horror novels showed up. With cover art.
      (They were not willing to work to solve the problem or return it either for some reason.)

    6. Red haired runner*

      Amazon makes kindle fire tablets specifically for kids. They come with extra parental controls built in.

    7. Laura H.*

      Piling on the ask the patents of the kidlets, also a good opportunity
      to pick their brain for device options.

      I recently got a 7th gen iPod touch to offload my games and such onto from my phone. I think it may be able to do certain video call apps. (That’s not my use for it so- haven’t ventured there yet.)

      It’s the size of an IPhone 5 (which feels better in my smaller hands.)

      It is relatively pricey but I’ve been happy with it.

      It’s connected to my phone with the same Apple ID, so that’s a thing.

    8. AcademiaNut*

      To be honest, I don’t think it’s realistic to give an 8 and 10 year old their own smart phone or tablet, and expect them to use it *only* for video chatting approved people, and banning all games and videos. It’s sort of like “Look, here’s this marvelous device for your very own. It plays movies and videos and games and lets you browse the internet and do Tik-tok and Instagram. Oh, but we’re not actually going to let you do any of that – it’s only for talking to Grandma.”

      Instead, I’d consider giving the *parents* a low end tablet or phone that they can then lend to the kids when they want to talk to you. That way it’s basically the same setup they have now, but less inconvenient for the parents.

    9. Ghostwriting is Real Writing*

      Thanks all. The Tik Talk watch idea sounds perfect. The kids all have their own tablets to use for zoom schooling, so was looking for something a bit different. And parents will definitely be brought into the conversation – though I can almost guarantee that if there is a way for grandma to safely help with school work or have those all important “why” discussions (Why are some flowers weeds and other flowers are just flowers? Why do basketball players wear shorts? Why was the man asking for money on the highway? Why do we have mosquitos?) whenever the idea pops into their heads so parents can do their own work – they will be all in.

      1. Bumpjumper*

        We bought my 10 and 12 year olds each a Gabbphone. It’s basically a stripped down smartphone. It can talk, text, take photos, listen to MP3s, has an alarm and a calculator. That is IT. It wouldn’t work for video chatting but this has been a lifesaver for us. It’s a month to month contract (20 bucks I think) and the phone itself is 99 bucks. It is an excellent way to get the feet wet and let the kids have some independence without handing them the entire internet. Good luck!

  42. a naan this time*

    I hope people don’t judge me for this, because I am in an open relationship and have a crush on another guy. We’re all guys here. He’s bi but also in a relationship that I have no idea if willing to accomodate another person. I have no expectations it will go anywhere! I wanted to admit the crush with zero pressure and move on. Is it shitty to even bring it up?

    Another thing is that I’ve been adding to my collection of unusual pets. Got snails, a few different types of pillbugs, question mark roaches (not adults yet) and now two death feigning beetles. Anyone else out there with unusual pets or interested in getting some? They are cheap and interesting and easy to care for! I can answer questions if curious

    1. Courageous cat*

      No, nothing shitty if you’re happy to move on afterward. Just tell him in a “leaving the door open if you ever want it” kind of manner.

      1. a naan this time*

        OK thank you! Worried people would think it was bad to be in a polyamorous relationship and see if someone else was interested in one. Usually “I have a partner” is a hard stop. I do not want to break apart their relationship! But I have had better luck than you might think at entering a poly relationship.

        My boyfriend knows and doesn’t care other than to think it’s cute.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          You’re not bad for being in a poly relationship – that’s your business. However, I would strongly advise finding out if your crush is in one before you proposition him, as it is generally considered very bad manners to hit on someone in a relationship unless you know they’re open.

          Also, “admitting a crush” is kinda dumping your feelings on the other person without having much plan about what to do about it. Why don’t you find out if he’s available, then decide if you want to ask him out, and then (assuming the answer to both previous questions is ‘yes’) ask him out?

    2. Morning reader*

      About the crush: so much depends on the terms of your current, primary, open relationship. Are you open to extended relationships with others, or is it more about the occasional fling? As for the other guy, as long as he’s not a W-place buddy, perhaps mention that you’re in an open relationship, ask him how does that work with his partner? If he says he’s monogamous, there’s your answer. If not, explore possibilities as usual.

      About the small pets: no, but I recently acquired a compost bin with red wriggler worms. I’m enjoying feeding them. I need to find a better list of what they can eat, or not.

    3. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Not shitty at all, but I’d bear in mind that these are weird times, so one plausible answer would be “oh jeez I’m flattered but everything is weird right now, can I get back to you when the outside world has stabilized?”

    4. Another poly*

      I think the hardest part is figuring out if the person you have a crush on is poly as well. Does he know you are in an open relationship or have you ever had occasion to discuss open relationships? If so, you have the beginning of an idea of whether something might be possible. If not, you might just start by finding out how your crush feels about open relationships.

      You also mention that you are in an open relationship, but how well-defined is “open?” There is a whole spectrum from the occasional one night stand to co-primary partners. Have you talked through all of this with your current partner, including what he expects of you and the potential new partner in terms of STI testing before you become involved with someone else?

      You can’t admit a crush with no pressure. The person on whom you have the crush will have feelings to deal with, regardless of how clear you make it that you are okay with it going nowhere.

      If everyone involved consents, there is nothing wrong with open relationships, though they can certainly get complicated. I just had a bad moment last night because I had to miss my boyfriend’s wedding due to Covid-19. He and his partner wished I could have been there. Poly wasn’t the problem; the pandemic was.

      (Also, I like naan, at least when I can get a good gluten-free one)

  43. Courageous cat*

    Has anyone ever tried ketamine for depression? I was not aware of the fact that you can literally just be prescribed generic ketamine and get it at a compound pharmacy, it’s just a matter of finding someone who will prescribe it to you (which I think I have). Curious anyone’s thoughts.

    Also has anyone ever had treatment-resistant depression and then treated it successfully? What finally worked for you? Over the past 13 years I’ve tried nearly every SSRI/SNRI/etc (just about all modern antidepressants except for Effexor and maybe one other) and it’s not like I get bad side effects, it’s just that I get nothing. Nothing at all. My psychiatrist moved me on to tricyclic antidepressants (amitriptyline and nortriptyline) and also nothing. I feel like I’m hitting a wall. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel but I don’t think I’m ever feeling it. It’s frustrating. I’m also looking at TMS but not sold on it.

    1. Keymaster of Gozer*

      Not ketamine, but our family has a long history of severe depression and while I was lucky to find a very old antidepressant that worked for me it’s now banned in the (UK) (apparently has massive heart problems) but I’m fighting to stay on it. Therapy doesn’t work for me at all.

      My grandmother had electro shock therapy for her depression after it proved resistant to all meds and all therapy. It really worked for her, kind of like resetting the brain to a working state. I’m actually considering it (although I have epilepsy) because I’m just so tired of fighting my own brain every single day.

    2. a naan this time*

      Never tried ketamine but I know they use it in animals for stress relief (usually short term, I’m not a vet or doctor was just an assistant).

      The road the getting the proper med can be a long one. I wonder if it would be worth looking at underlying medical causes? No armchair diagnosis, but things like hormone imbalances or vitamin deficiencies can cause depression.

      My own journey is that I always seem to get bad side effects and am now on one that is better. Been working on getting other treatments, because mental/physical and neurologist are so connected.

    3. TL -*

      One of our family friends had electroshock therapy after a decade-long depressive episode. It worked for her and as far I can tell, it’s been a few years and she’s still doing okay. (Not sure if she’s on any other meds for depression currently.)

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Since you’ve tried many meds, try long-term therapy. Getting a compatible therapist could take a couple of tries. At the same time, exercise – especially outdoors, if you can. Just walking will help. Finally, resolving negative factors in your life can also help. (Going very low-contact with a person did wonders for my state of mind.)
      It’s a tough road. Finger crossed for you.

      1. Courageous cat*

        Thank you, but that’s not quite what I’m asking. I’m very aware that exercise and “resolving negative factors” can help. I think people tend to bristle at suggestions like those as a cure for mental illness because A, they frequently aren’t, and B, it assumes the person you’re talking to hasn’t already tried those things many times. My depression isn’t going to go away without medical intervention.

        Therapy is something that is on my list but hard to find ones that take my insurance.

      2. moql*

        Seconding Courageous Cat. No one ever gets to the point of trying multiple drugs without have been told a million times to try diet and exercise. It’s condescending and unhelpful.

    5. BRR*

      My doctor floated the idea when I was having issues with meds. It’s apparently had really decent results so far.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My “medication redistant’ depression turned out to have a large component of undiagnosed ADD. It’s not completely gone with the ADD meds, but it’s much more livable.
      One writer who I’d recommend you look up if you aren’t familiar with her yet is Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess. She’s very open about her fight with depression aka the lying bastard.

      1. Courageous cat*

        I genuinely wonder about this! I do exhibit some symptoms, namely my ability to focus on anything if it’s not deeply interesting to me (like at work), and I wonder if my general malaise is actually due to something like that. Good point.

        I’ll check her out, thanks.

        1. No Name Yet*

          For what it’s worth, another culprit of “medication resistant depression” can be bipolar disorder. It’s my specialty area, so I’ll admit a bias, but I’ve also met many people who had serious depression with mild hypomania who weren’t diagnosed until many years of antidepressants not working.

          1. Courageous cat*

            I’ve given consideration to that too actually, but I’ve never really had any manic episodes. Some over-spending but not in an overwhelmingly intense way, just kind of like, slowly filling the void. Do you have to have significant manic episodes to have bipolar?

            1. a naan this time*

              No, hypomania is common qnd often overlooked! You can go long periods of time w/o any manic episodes and still be considered bipolar. I’d look into other diagnosis for sure!

            2. No Name Yet*

              As a naan says, nope! Hypomania by definition is milder than mania (a period ‘different from your usual [non-depressed] self’ vs. ’causes significant problems in your life’). For the most part, people who have had full-blown mania know – as you said, overwhelmingly intense. But hypomania can be much sneakier, as it can be 4 days of being in a really good mood, having more energy, and getting things done (sounds pretty good to me, LOL). For most people even mild hypomania can cause some difficulties, but even if it doesn’t the diagnosis is still important because the medications to effectively treat bipolar depression are typically different than those to treat unipolar depression. (That being said, I have unipolar depression and in the past found that a SSRI + mood stabilizer worked for me, so none of it is 100% one or the other.) I will say that I’ve also seen plenty of people who overspend when they’re depressed, to try and make themselves feel better. If you want to read more about it, the Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance is a great resources (https://www.dbsalliance.org/).

              1. Courageous cat*

                Wow, thank you (and naan) for this insight – I had absolutely zero idea that was possible. I’ve never gotten a very firm diagnosis other than just like “generalized depression” so maybe this is worth exploring with someone who can really sit down and flesh out a specific diagnosis with me. I agree that it’s worth looking into since maybe a mood stabilizer would be the ticket instead.

                Thanks again because this is very eye-opening!

                1. No Name Yet*

                  You’re very welcome, I hope it’s helpful! I would say it could definitely be worth reading more about (you’d be looking for descriptions of hypomania and bipolar II disorder) to see if it fits your experience, and then talking to your psychiatrist or another diagnostician if you think it might. Good luck finding something that works for you!

                2. Courageous cat*

                  @no name yet – I am reading about it now and am definitely seeing some of myself in the readings. My only curiosity is whether my days of higher energy/productivity are long-lasting/unusual(?) enough to qualify as hypomania. I have an appt with my PA on Wednesday so I’m going to float the idea to him. I’m realizing now, weirdly, that no one has ever really sat down and analyzed me for a true diagnosis. I’ve always just been given medications based on symptoms and nothing more.

                  Frankly I, deep down, kind of hope it’s that or something similar, because I really want an answer and I’d really like to get on medication that works for me. If a mood stabilizer were the ticket, I’d be over the moon.

                  If you’re still reading this by chance – can you tell me what you mean by this being your specialty area? Just curious what you do!

                3. Courageous cat*

                  (lol just realized I was repeating my earlier comment in some of that but c’est la vie)

                4. No Name Yet*

                  I’m actually a psychologist working in a clinic specializing in diagnosing/treating people with bipolar disorder (which totally outs me if anyone I know is reading this, LOL). Clearly I don’t know you at all and certainly wouldn’t attempt any kind of diagnosis via this type of method, just to be perfectly clear. Your comment about ‘treatment resistant depression’ just jumped out at me because it’s something I hear moderately often from the people I work with who were originally diagnosed with unipolar depression (which is fairly common for folks with milder hypomanic symptoms). And for what it’s worth, not having a full-blown diagnostic interview is fairly common for multiple reasons (some of which I think are reasonable and some of which have to do with problems in the medical system).

                  Your question about whether your periods of higher energy are long/unusual enough to ‘qualify’ for an episode is a good one to be aware of. What might serve you the best before your visit is to spend a bit of time thinking about any other patterns that tend to crop up around those times – changes in how you get along with others (better or worse), how you feel about yourself, interest in sex, how much sleep you need, starting new hobbies, change in substance use (more/less caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, marijuana, anything else). Or, if energy or productivity are the only things that change, that’s useful information too! Basically, when I’m looking to see if someone has hypomanic episodes I try to parse out what’s different during those possible times compared to their usual self – so the more you’re aware of what’s the same vs. what’s different, the more likely your NP or psychiatrist will be able to help you sort out if that’s an accurate diagnosis or not. If you have people around you that you trust (spouse, good friend, parent, adult child, etc.) – sometimes they can be aware of changes that you might not be.

                  And for what it’s worth, your hope that this or another new diagnosis is accurate makes perfect sense to me – there can be a lot of value in understanding why we have the experiences we do, especially if that knowledge leads to treatments that work! I hope your visit goes well!

                5. Courageous cat*

                  100% understood! Just was curious where your perspective was coming from. I have already sat down and started to write out the ways my moods differ and will continue to do so before Wednesday. I very much appreciate your input and will give an update if/when I have one to give.

                6. lasslisa*

                  The other thing I know can be indicative of hypomania can be needing less sleep – periods where you are going to bed late and still waking up early, chipper and ready to face the day. (Yes. It feels fantastic.) So just another thing you might look for.

    7. Not A Manager*

      I know one person (this was many years ago) who would check himself into the hospital every now and then for electroconvulsive therapy and it worked very well for him. Also, I have no personal experience with this at all, but have you looked into LSD microdosing? Ayelet Waldman has a well-reviewed book about her own experiences with it, as well as some research and history of the drug.

      1. Courageous cat*

        I have heard very good things about microdosing LSD too and would be very open to trying it if not for the fact that I can’t find it, and that worse yet, what if I DO find it, it works beautifully, and then my source dries up? Finding a drug dealer is hard. Haha.

        1. Cube*

          Not sure if this is ok, since I’m going to recommend an illegal drug, but here goes:
          My spouse has found shrooms to be tremendously helpful. They describe it a lot like the ‘brain reset’ effect of ECT – that it breaks the brain’s patterns and makes it easier to form new ones. By normal metrics they’re quite safe. That said, it’s not as simple as a mood improver, and like any powerful tool can be used harmfully. Some folks microdose, but there’s some research on getting really good results with very large doses.

          As compared to LSD they’re easier to get a steady supply, and very possible to grow from spores. I’ll leave it at that.

    8. Reba*

      Heather Armstrong (dooce blog) wrote a memoir about being part of experimental trials for treatment involving intentional coma states, which the researchers hope would be an alternative to shock therapy.
      Obviously, I can’t say that’s a recommendation, but you might find it of interest.
      Best wishes to you.

    9. Courageous cat*

      Interesting suggestions on ECT – I have considered it a couple times, but my memory is already bad enough that I am very wary of making it worse, and that seems to be a very common side effect.

    10. ThatGirl*

      My husband has considered ketamine IV therapy, his psych recommended looking into it. However we’ve put that on hold as he’s doing better now. TMS was another option. Ultimately I don’t think most people understand what resistant depression can be like! It’s not just “you need to exercise more!” I would recommend looking at what your insurance will cover, what you have time for, what your psych or therapist recommends.

    11. ..Kat..*

      I have only heard of ketamine for treatment resistant depression being given as an IV (intravenous) medication – given as an infusion over hours every so often (say, once a month). Some people are finding depression relief with this.

      Is your doctor talking about this, or a prescription that you take at home by mouth every day? Ketamine is an extremely powerful tranquilizer. I would be leery if someone I cared about was prescribed this for every day usage. I don’t see how you could drive a car or anything else like this.

      1. Courageous cat*

        Perhaps you should read more about ketamine as your language makes it sound a bit like you’re reacting to the party-drug stigma – I would presume it’s taken in the evening, but ultimately I am not going to be leery of anything a doctor of mine suggests. I also don’t think it’s going to be an extremely powerful tranquilizer in this setting. It can be at much higher doses for veterinary/surgical/etc use, but I would imagine this is closer in nature to the shroom microdosing some people are doing.

        I am not sure how frequently the intranasal spray is prescribed for. I know with Spravato it’s not every day but that one has to be done in a doctor’s office.

          1. Courageous cat*

            The way you phrased it as “I have only heard of” and didn’t seem to know much about the other methods had not given me that impression, but well noted. (do you only administer it for sedation purposes?) I also think when language veers a little into fear-mongering territory, I tend to be somewhat defensive, as I have always been very anti… furthering the stigma of taking drugs for psych conditions. I would hate for someone to be scared off of something that could really work for them due to anecdotal experiences, you know?

            Either way – input received, and I will make sure my doctor is comfortable with me living life as normal with whatever method of consumption he suggests.

    12. MatKnifeNinja*

      Have you tried a MAOI? (Parnate, Nardil and the one that comes in a patch form, can’t think of the name.)

      Parnate was the only thing that yanked me out of a suicidal depression. There is a diet you have to follow, and it doesn’t play nice with some medications, but it worked.

      I too had burned through the SSRIs, SNRIs, and tricyclics. Ketamine wasn’t around when I was having my issues.

      Good luck. I hope you find something that helps you soon.

      1. Courageous cat*

        Ooh man, it’s a good idea but I am SCARED to take an MAOI. I drink a decent amount, for one, and wouldn’t want to stop – and I know it has so many medication interactions (and I take a bunch of medications). I think with Emsam (the patch) a lot of that is lifted and you don’t have to do the diet, but I am not sure about the rest.

        I am keeping that idea in my back pocket for sure, but that’s going to truly be a last resort thing for me. Thank you for your input!

    13. Telgar*

      I’ve had chronic depression for a long time and what works for me is Bupropion which is a kind of amphetamin. I experience almost no side effects and it has held me stable for years. I am now finally at a point where I feel things are actually getting better (and not just worse more slowly).

      1. Courageous cat*

        I’m glad to hear it’s working so well for you! Unfortunately I’ve tried that one twice and it tends to make me a bit irritable due to the speedy aspect, but I have heard great things about it for some of my friends as well.

  44. HannahS*

    Families where one set of in-laws is a happy family and the other set is…complicated, talk to me! What was your experience navigating a relationship with your in-laws? Doesn’t matter which side you were from originally, I’m just curious.
    I’m from a warm and close family, and my husband isn’t. I’ve had an easy time, because I just follow his lead and judgment when it comes to his family. I’m sure some aspects of the dynamic will become more complicated when we have children, though.

    1. Anon here*

      I don’t know how long you’ve been together, but most families have some issues. The issues may not be apparent at first glance, or even for a while, and maybe they only mostly appear when there’s a specific type of situation. I come from crazy, and I initially thought my husband’s family was so healthy/normal. And they generally are on the surface and really, in most circumstances, but knowing them now and having seen them go through certain life phases, their brand of dysfunction is just better covered over. Honestly, it makes me feel better, not that they have tension/unhappiness/etc., just that it’s good for me to keep in mind we all have our challenges, blind spots, room for improvement.

      Your husband should take the lead on any issues you guys have with his family. That way, you are a team, you are supported, and it doesn’t leave you with all of the emotional work. From the beginning, I decided to “protect” my husband from my family — he doesn’t really need protecting, but it’s best not to get too close to some of my family, or you’re forever fending off boundary-pushing, etc. It’s a decision I made for myself before I met him, and from my experience, especially given my personality, a cordial relationship is best. I also know that this is how things are now, but they may not always be, so this leaves the door open enough.

      1. RagingADHD*

        This is similar to what I was going to say. There’s a lot of garbage that’s gone on in my family over the years, and I thought my husband’s large, warm, close-knit family was idyllic.

        Unfortunately, it turned out that when the storms of life hit, the “everything is fine!” family had no resources to cope with it or bounce back. Now half of them don’t acknowledge the other half’s existence, the couple who seemed the most solid is going through a really ugly divorce, one of the nieces is cutting, and I don’t know what exactly is going on in that house, but when Dad had a tantrum at the family reunion, Mom had a prepared codeword for the kids to grab their stuff and bolt for the car.

        And, now that the Most Broken Generation is all gone, my messy family muddled through and are still happy to see each other when we can.

        You’re doing right letting him take the lead. When the kids arrive, I’d say that you should always err on the side of caution. Whichever one of you has a gut feeling of “Errr…Not an overnight visit, I think.” or “Maybe we shouldn’t let so-and-so drive the kids.”

        Go with that gut feeling. Listen to the alarm bell, no matter who has it or who it’s about.

    2. Raised by Wolves*

      Hannah,
      I am from the complicated, physically and emotionally abusive, no boundaries, “raised-by-wolves” family. Got out when I was 17 and barely looked back. Live at least 3 hours away or several states. Still keep in touch with 1 out of 4 brothers. On good terms with the others but too toxic to be in contact more than a few times a year. Stayed in touch with my father and stepmother at a distance. Kept in touch with mother through letters, anything else was too painful and guaranteed drama. When I got married, invited my father and stepmother and brothers. Did not invite my mother. (see drama)

      Husband’s family, they have their own issues but all pretty typical. We relocated to be near them. I adore them and enjoy that they have adopted me into their clan.

      Number 1 is that they don’t judge me for my distancing myself from my family of origin. I was very anxious about that. I didn’t even tell my husband “the half of it” of my childhood because I was afraid that he would view me as damaged goods. Or think I was exaggerating (no) Some therapy later, I shared some but not everything because it is just too painful.

      The most awful is when people say, “she’s still your mother, I can’t believe you don’t talk to your mother.”

      1. Rusty Shackelford*

        The most awful is when people say, “she’s still your mother, I can’t believe you don’t talk to your mother.”

        “I know, right? It truly is shattering that my own mother is so horrible that I have to protect myself from her. But such is life.”

    3. No Tribble At All*

      Sorta secondhand here, but, my mom has a somewhat large & fairly happy family, good relationship with her parents & siblings, and my dad is an only child whose parents divorced right after he was born. His mom has now fallen in with a cult & is shunning him. When I got married a few years ago, he said there was no one from his side of the family he wanted to invite (the only person he actually liked was his grandmother, who had passed away). But he also said he feels very lucky that my mom’s parents love him and have welcomed him with open arms.

      I agree that the most important thing is to follow his lead. We were also lucky that we’re geographically closer to my mom’s parents (the nice ones) than my dad’s mother, but not close enough that we saw either frequently. So visiting my dad’s mom would be a once-a-year thing and my moms’s parents a 3-4 times a year thing. As we got older (around middle school) and the cult’s hold got stronger, we stopped visiting my dad’s mom. It wasn’t a Big Single Discussion, rather information coming out in little drips and drops, to learn why he’s estranged from her. I know my mom has followed his lead on how much contact our family should have.

      In college, his mom tried to get in touch with me, but by then I knew I didn’t want to have any kind of relationship with her. I appreciate that my dad gave us her phone number & email and told her that we have it rather than giving her my contact information. (For a while she went through a long-guilt-trip-emails-every-day phase).

      So there is a difference between “actively jerks” and “just not that close”. I also know people tend to treat their grandkids better than their actual kids. Lots of advice columns are full of “my parents were mean to me but now are nice to my kid, and it hurts me.”

    4. anon 4 this*

      Oh, I know this feeling from watching my parents! My mother was from a really close knit, well functioning family, and my father wasn’t. The grandchildren phase was completely fine, fortunately, because everyone adored the kids. The biggest problems were farther down the road, when my father got avoidant about his relatives and so a lot of demanding nonsense fell to my mother to deal with, which exacerbated her health conditions. That was not good.

    5. MsChanandlerBong*

      Honestly, we moved 2,000 miles away from them. My family has its flaws, but we love each other, and we have fun. My husband’s family is made up of the most miserable bunch of people I’ve ever met. When you look at our wedding pics, there’s my family smiling and dancing, and then there’s his family looking like they just sucked on a pound of lemons. They have no boundaries and are one of those “family is the most important/family takes care of family” groups, which is fine if the family is functional–not so good when there is a lot of dysfunction and boundary-stomping. I used to try harder, but my husband told me not to bother because they’ve always been like that and will always be like that.

    6. midnightcat*

      I’m from the difficult side and what’s been really important is not being forced to act super close and play happy families when that’s uncomfortable for me even with nice people.

    7. D3*

      My family is the messed up one.
      It’s been easy for me to integrate into his family.
      It has been REALLY hard for him to understand my struggles with my family. He really cannot (or could not – time and experience has opened his eyes) comprehend what it’s like. For a long time, he kept thinking I was overstating things, or not giving my parents the benefit of the doubt, or he was SURE they didn’t really “mean it that way”. He couldn’t understand why I never called my mom for parenting advice. He truly had such a good (not perfect, but overall very good) family growing up anything else was unfathomable.
      When I cut off my family, initially he tried to maintain a relationship with them and smooth things over. That was very…educational for him. Without me as the point of contact, the manipulation, insults and lies were much more obvious. He cut ties not long after.
      So my advice, when someone tells you how their family is, BELIEVE THEM.

      1. Nita*

        This is us! I’m the one with the complicated relationship. I don’t know why, because for sure my husband has things to feel upset about with his family. I guess the difference is that he’s always had a good relationship with his mom, and that protected him from the bad stuff somewhat. My own relationship with my parents, not so great, my strongest feeling about them is “these people can’t and won’t protect me if anything happens.” Maybe it’s not 100% correct, but we definitely have a history of that. Anyway, back when I met my husband I made the choice to introduce him to my parents. And then, the choice to try and have them see the kids a lot. I’ve regretted that many times, because they’re all of them getting along, except for me. I’m the one counting the minutes until we can go home, looking at the ceiling, pretending I’m really somewhere else. And my husband can’t understand that. He can’t understand feeling repelled from your parents, or why I won’t share any news with them if I can help it. It certainly adds another layer of complication to an already difficult relationship. Oh well, it is what it is. I am not planning to cut myself out of their life completely (ugh) because they will need my help in years to come. Also, because no matter what I feel emotionally, mentally I know that for the most part they did their best and it’s not all their fault. So I’ve just got to deal with this. It’s not so bad, I guess, at least I get to go home at the end of the day.

    8. They Don’t Make Sunday*

      It’s great that you’re thinking about this. Mine is so specific as to potentially not be useful but just in case… I was happily adopted by my husband’s close-knit family, but my relationship with them (primarily with my MIL) totally changed after we had a kid. I feel way more territorial over my little family unit in an us-vs.-them way. A lot of it has to do with my MIL’s intensity, and intensity over my child, which has made me pull back from her a lot (which she has noticed). So if your family is low key, your husband may not have this reaction at all.

      A lower-grade, and longer-running, undercurrent is that I sometimes resent how much my husband’s family wants to see us (they routinely get us for both Thanksgiving and Christmas because my family of origin is dying off and doesn’t make an effort anymore). I see some of my family members maybe once a year. I sometimes resent my in-laws for the imbalance (and what I perceive to be their entitlement to see us at every holiday), even though I actually do like their gatherings and otherwise wouldn’t have as many equivalent gatherings to go to in my family. It’s a little bit of a bag-humbug, how-dare-you-suffocate-me-with-the-functional-family-I-wish-I-had-too posture.

    9. SummerBreeze*

      I’m you — a close, happy family. My husband comes from divorced parents who hate each other, stepparents on each side whom he hates, etc.

      Honestly…his family is the only thing we fight about. It’s really hard. From my perspective, there’s a lot of jealousy on his side — He and his family seem to be jealous and resentful that the people in my family actually like each other and choose to spend time together, and it comes out in weird ways. And at this point, 8 years in and with two kids…there’s a lot that has gone down. They’ve said and done some really shitty things to me and my family. So there’s no hope of any real or genuine warm feelings from my end towards them. And honestly that’s partly because my husband has troubles acknowledging the extent to which his family is dysfunctional.

      I haven’t seen them since before the pandemic and that has been the brightest lining to this dystopian hellscape we live in.

    10. Texan In Exile*

      I am from the happy family and my husband is from the broken family with alcoholic, angry parents and a sister who was mentally ill who died of a heroin overdose. My husband also has two half brothers from his father’s first marriage.

      His parents, who died five years ago, hated me. I think because they saw love as a zero-sum game? I met my husband a few years after his first marriage broke up. In that interim, he was spending a lot of time with his parents, but once he met me, he was spending time with me, which I guess they thought was taking away from them.

      Anyhow, our solution, once we realized there was nothing I could do to make them like me, was that Mr Texan would visit them by himself once or twice a year. I wrote letters to his mom once every few months – polite letters about books and gardening. I never answered her request that I list all the things they had done that I didn’t like and that they would do the same for me. I did not see his mom the last four years of her life and saw his dad only at his mom’s funeral. His dad died a month later.

      It has only been in the last year or two that Mr Texan has started to say out loud that he is angry at his parents and that his upbringing and the way they treated him was not healthy. He had thought my family was just boring and too low key because there was No Drama and No Gossip, but – we are just not as dysfunctional as his family was. We have our issues for sure (because nobody is perfect), but my dad never screamed at my mother until she cried and she never hid in the bathroom because she was scared he would hit her.

      So. My experience was that I just gave up. I stopped trying to have a relationship with my inlaws. They were not kind to my husband. They were not loving to him. He is a wonderful person and was a wonderful son to them. It made it harder for Mr Texan when I was around him and his parents and I sure didn’t enjoy it.

  45. Keymaster of Gozer*

    Most ridiculous thing you’ve read in your local news/heard locally recently?

    I’ve had ‘Sword fight in town centre’ and ‘staff petition company for no mask Fridays’

    1. university minion*

      We had a man show up to a voting precinct the other day wearing a mask… and only a mask.

      1. Jean (just Jean) who does a lot of laundry*

        Well, that’s creative. Maybe he thought he would be well-disguised with the mask.

    2. Jean (just Jean) who does a lot of laundry*

      Neither local nor in the paper, but this morning either NPR’s “Weekend All Things Considered” or our local affiliate radio station had a story about an emu who unlocked his gate, ran away from home…and was found and reunited with his people family. Apparently emus can run 31 mph so as the narrator said it looked like a cartoon scene come to life with this bird powering down the road.

      About 10 years ago the local paper described motorists having a “what did I just see?” moment a couple of runaway emus hove into view.

      Personally I have no desire ever to live with a large, long-legged bird (not even for the comic relief!) but it takes all kinds.

      1. Animal worker*

        Another fun fact about emus – they are very hard to pick up. I worked at a zoo years back where we were trying to move two emus to another area within the zoo. Unfortunately our truck didn’t have a ramp, but we had plenty of skilled animal handling folks, and they were really calm and used to people. But nope, all we ended up with was two emus still standing on the ground, a pile of loose feathers (don’t worry, ones that were ready to molt out anyway), and two emus laughing at us ‘skilled animal’ folks. We ended up getting three lightweight barricades, forming a triangle around them, and walking them down the service road to their new home. You learn the most random things sometimes!

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I hear they have a kick that can cause a grown man to fall to the ground. Very clever way of moving them!

    3. Morning reader*

      Drone attacked by bald eagle in northern Lake Michigan. The drone was finally retrieved from the lakebed and the EGLE department scientists are looking into making their drones Look less like seagulls.

    5. NeverNicky*

      In the regional paper (but happened in the quiet little town my friend lives in) – man riding a horse in the middle of the night, wielding an axe.

      I live in quite a rural county in England, we’re in some ways a little cut off and old fashioned (but with wifi!) so there’s often quaint headlines – postboxes being put out of use by nesting birds, accidental archaeological finds in rabbit holes etc

      1. Keymaster of Gozer*

        Also rural here, it’s funny that sometimes our biggest headlines involve cows on railway lines or bales of hay being stolen from the middle of nowhere!

    6. MsChanandlerBong*

      This was not recent, but my favorite local story is from when a man went to the nearby Price Chopper (a grocery store), stole some chicken wings from the deli area, ate the chicken wings as he walked around, and then discarded of the picked-clean bones in the lobster tank in the seafood department. Then he stole a 12-pack of soda and led police on a low-speed chase through the parking lot.

    7. midnightcat*

      The ravens at the Tower of London are getting bored because they aren’t seeing enough visitors and are wandering off looking for food!

  46. Mrs. Aurora Anony*

    Turning another year older this weekend. Hubs and I want to try for kids before I hit advanced maternal age (35) for health reasons. It’s kinda hitting me that this was the best year of my life for certain reasons and (prob due to PMS plus Covid blues) that it’s all downhill from here (pain of childbirth, screaming kids, judgy in-laws telling us how to raise our kids). Does life ever get better after getting pregnant/having kids? Or is life more terrible post-kids like people warn me?

    1. Morning reader*

      OMG, having kids has potential to have your most fun ever in life! Also possibly some of your worse times ever, it’s a real roller coaster and it keeps changing as kid grows and changes. Then, there is the final joy of being parent to full fledged adults! You’re back to being an unencumbered adult yourself and you get to think, hey, I made (or contributed to making) that neat whole other person.
      I think I’m having rose-colored glasses from being in that last stage myself. But please don’t believe it’s all downhill from there. It can be tough, it’s definitely risky, but much potential for joy along the way.

      1. I Go OnAnonAnonAnon*

        I 100% agree with this assessment, and I’m still in the young-adult-kids-not-yet-left-the-nest stage. I think that’s due, in part, to having older siblings with fully grown adult kids and seeing my siblings travel, pursue hobbies, enjoy retirement, etc. Another part is that I am mostly freed up from volunteering at my kids’ schools and am able to pursue volunteering as an interest, for/with causes that mean a lot to me. I am super-glad that I had kids and that I had them in my 30s, but I was also never on the fence about whether or not I wanted them. I stopped at 3 but always wanted 5!

    2. Anon for this*

      Wow, that’s a pretty grim assessment. If you aren’t at least mildly positive about having kids, maybe rethink it.

      Like anything, being a good parent is very hard and very rewarding. But a pessimist attitude takes the joy out of it and amplifies the tough times.

    3. Kids can be fun!*

      Um, who are these people who are telling you that life is so terrible post kids?

      Having a kid was one of the best things I have ever done. Sure it’s hard, and there’s a lot of lack of sleep the first several years, crying or screaming, arguments, etc but man having this little being in your life is so worth it. It’s lots of kisses and hugs, missing someone when you are away, seeing the world through new eyes again, seeing this being develop into their own self. I would never trade for my old life. And it goes by fast, before you know it they are growing up. And then you have your old life back (well the parts where you aren’t dealing with tantrums and can do and go where you want whenever you want).

      Not everyone wants kids and would enjoy having them. But if it’s something that you want, it will be hard and also totally worth it. I don’t think you can assume it’s all downhill from here. That certainly hasn’t been my experience and I had a child in my late 30’s so had lots of fun before then.

      Good luck! I hope you will overcome the PMS and/or Covid blues (totally understandable) and be excited about starting this journey rather than dreading it. (And if not, please don’t do it if it’s something you dread)

    4. Natalie*

      It’s not like you hit some kind of wall at 35 – as with everything related to aging, things get a little bit harder on a continuum over time. There was an interesting piece on Slate about how 35 ended being the cutoff for “advanced maternal age” that might be worth a read.

      More importantly, do you actually want kids?

      2. Reba*

        Lol my sister was so indignant when one of her docs was still using the term “geriatric pregnancy.”

        Mrs. Aurora, it sounds to me like you might be feeling pretty down in general, and that’s bringing all the negatives into sharp focus and obscuring the positives. Birthdays sometimes come with some melancholy. But maybe continue to take your emotional temperature as you think through this.

    5. Overeducated*

      Are you kidding? Kids are fun and endearing and bring joy to everyday life! They are limiting, expensive, and exhausting too, but i wouldn’t say overall life is worse with them. It’s just different.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      It’s all downhill from age 35? wow, what a bunch of negative nancys. If you want kids then have kids, but maybe find new people to hang out with, replace these negative nancys.

      Speaking as the kid of someone who felt their life ended after having me, please, please, think very carefully about bringing a child into your home. Life is what we each make it. A child does not end a person’s life. Just as getting married and “shackled” to someone does not end a person’s life. Please consider the place where you are standing (physically standing and figuratively standing) while you contemplate this next step in life.

      FWIW, my best years started at 40.

    7. OyHiOh*

      On the plus side, I called my eight year old in to help with lunch and along the way to washing her hands (and also while washing up, and after as well) she regaled me with info about the toad she found in the yard . . . . And then wanted to take the toad with on her post lunch walk

      On the negative side, I’m presently hanging out in my 12 year olds room working through repentance and “penance” following a minor destructive episode outside that ended with the collapse of a kiddie splash pool.

      The first four years or so are hard, absolutely. But then you have toads and river rocks and turkey feathers, and a ten year old girl who says “yeah, and you need to vote because otherwise I might not be able to!” after seeing a piece about the 19th amendment the other night and it gets harder in different ways (hormones . . . ) but also wonderous because you get a ring side seat to a small human experiencing the world without prejudice or adult assumptions.

    8. Traffic_Spiral*

      That’s kinda like saying “does life get better or worse after joining a convent?” It’s definitely an extreme lifestyle change, but whether or not it’s better or worse all depends on if it’s the sort of life for you. Do you want kids?

    9. Anonnymouse*

      Not going to lie, my quality of life greatly decreased after having two kids (born when I was 34 and 36.) If you’re not fully on board, seriously consider not having them. I am exhausted and ragged all the time, and I’m years into this. There is rarely a break. My body, marriage, and mental health have all suffered a lot, possibly past the point of return. I love my kids but I don’t care for many aspects of parenthood. It’s not really socially acceptable to say it, but the stress of kids in this modern life (two working parents, high cost of living etc.) is nearly too much for a lot of people.

      1. allathian*

        Thanks for your honesty.

        As a young adult, I always thought I would end up childless, mainly because I was either in college, underemployed or unemployed and single for most of my twenties and early thirties. I met my husband when I was 33 and we were LDR for the first few years. I was 36 when I got pregnant, literally in the month we started trying. In spite of being overweight and not exactly in the prime of youth, I had a fairly easy pregnancy although the labor was long and hard, but I wasn’t traumatized by it or anything. We didn’t have another kid because by the time I felt ready to try again, I got pregnant twice and both pregnancies ended in an early miscarriage. I also suspect a third pregnancy between the two miscarriages because I had a very long menstrual cycle, 6 weeks, with a very heavy period afterwards. I had influenza at that time, too, and was too grateful not to have to deal with a heavy period as well to do a pregnancy test, so I can’t be sure if I actually was pregnant. After the second miscarriage I pretty much decided enough was enough and we quit trying, I was 43 at the time.

        That said, I remember almost nothing of my son’s first year and I’m lucky I got to stay home with him on maternity and parental leave until he was two and then I went back to my old job. I had a great support network when my son was a baby and a toddler. He’s a fairly easygoing kid and other kids like him. The first 4 years were pretty tough, but the older he gets, the more grateful I am to have him. He’s 11 now and it’s an easy age. I’m not exactly dreading the teenage years either, but we’ll deal with whatever comes when we get there.

        There are some aspects of parenthood that I dislike quite a lot. Some of them I deal with as cheerfully as I can because it’s necessary, but I’ll opt out of the stuff that I absolutely hate. I was a member of my son’s daycare PTA, and I got my fill of fundraising there. It was satisfying in a way, but I cheerfully declined to participate when he moved on to kindergarten and school. We’re fortunate in that we aren’t exactly poor even if we’re not swimming in money, so if I can get out of “charity baking” or some such thing by paying, I’ll pay because volunteering just isn’t my thing. I’m so, so happy that my son isn’t interested in team sports, the idea of being a soccer or hockey mom horrifies me. My son’s in 5th grade and at his school, 6th graders go on a school trip in the fall. So the parents of 5th graders are tasked with providing catering for school events such as sports days, Winter celebrations, spring break picnics etc. I’m secretly gleeful that COVID will probably throw a spanner in the works for all of this. We’ll have to find some other way to raise money, provided they can go on the field trip next year. I don’t know if the 6th graders are going this year… As horrible as COVID is in general, I’ll take the silver lining!

    10. RagingADHD*

      I am so much happier with my kids than I ever was before. My only regret is that we didn’t have them sooner so I could have one more.

      100% serious. No snark. They are by far the most amazing, awesome, joyful, terrific thing that ever could have happened to me.

      People talk up the downsides these days, partly so that folks who struggle with PPD, infertility, or just the normal changes & tough times don’t feel alone. And partly because our culture is suspicious, cynical, and negative about unadulterated happiness over anything.

      Don’t let the bastards get inside your head and steal your joy. You have an unbelievable amount of sweetness and delight ahead of you.

    11. Anon for this*

      . . . honestly, I wish I hadn’t.

      I became pregnant due to contraceptive failure and was not able to access abortion services. I was ill to the point of hospitalisation during parts of the pregnancy and was left with permanent physical and mental health issues, plus lost my relationship when I refused to have another child.

      I’m not saying this to frighten you. But if you don’t want a child enough to find that risk acceptable, maybe don’t.

      1. I Go OnAnonAnonAnon*

        I am so sorry this happened to you, and I hope that you have the help and support you need.

      2. RagingADHD*

        I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that. It really does make a difference whether someone is deliberately deciding they want children, vs. an unplanned pregnancy. If you didn’t want children to begin with, that’s certainly going to affect your experience.

        I hope both you and your child have plenty of support.

    12. Stephanie*

      Oh, my. No, it’s definitely NOT all downhill from here!
      My kids are now 18 and 21 (and will turn 19 and 22 in less than 2 months). Parenthood is often a rollercoaster of a ride, for sure. Sometimes it is just amazing and glorious, sometimes it is really hard and soul-crushingly tedious. But it is definitely worth it, if it’s what you want. I loved some of the parenting stages, and found others to be a slog. Newborns are hard, but I loved it when they hit around 6 months (they sleep a bit more consistently and they start to show more personality). Toddlers are difficult, but can be fun, too. I LOVED the middle childhood years when they were 7-10. They have some independence, but they still like Mom and Dad. The early teen years were really hard, but we are all living together now unexpectedly (due to Covid), and mostly getting along very well, surprisingly.
      One of the best things for me as a mom was seeing who my kids were becoming, and I always really liked watching them grow and move to the next phase of childhood (and life). I was never the mom who was sad to see them grow and mature, that’s what they’re supposed to do. It’s really rewarding to see them become people that you are proud of.

    13. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Ahhh all downhill after 35, that’s really depressing. I turned 35 in May and I just had my first baby last month. Yeah, I struggle with sleep and I have less freedom and independence as I did before (but it was all taken away since COVID hit) but…..I don’t feel like life is shitty. I love my little peanut and I think the best I can say is that it feels life is more fulfilling. It’s scary but it’s fulfilling (it goes without saying that I definitely don’t think non-parents don’t have fulfilling lives…)

    14. blackcat*

      Babies kind of suck. Things do get better, and it’s hard to remember in the thick of the baby-phase that it’s actually a pretty short time period.

      On the same note, my son’s birth was REALLY painful. Third degree tear, precipitous birth, no drugs. My god, it hurt. But that was also super short! And most people get drugs to help! Being pregnant was about a million times worse than giving birth for me (I had HG, lost tons of weight, then had lots of pain issues at the end).

      But if you are feeling this way about having kids…. don’t. At least not right now. Wait. 35 is not some reproductive health cliff. 40 kinda is, but 35 is not.

    15. Black Horse Dancing*

      Many parentsa regret having kids, many don’t. Don’t have them if you don’t want them! Perfectly fine to be childfree and there are many pros to it. What do you honestly want? If you’d rather be with kids once in a while, volunteer somewhere.

    16. Nita*

      Well do you have to have kids? You could be perfectly happy if you don’t, especially if you’re comfortable seeing yourselves as a family with no kids years down the road.

      Because yeah, the first years can be pretty miserable. Much less miserable if you have the option of leaving the kid(s) with someone and doing something optional on a regular basis. Not work. Just something unnecessary that makes you happy. If that’s not an option, it helps slightly to keep your eyes on the prize of having good times with the kids when they’re grown up. FWIW, the misery is not a given – one of my maternity leaves was actually seriously heavenly, but it was my third one and I guess I made all the mistakes with the other two :)

  47. Anonforthis*

    How do I become less critical? I know this stems from my mother who was really critical of me and unfortunately I have become the same way. While we have a better relationship now (I’m 55) the way I was raised has really affected me. I have no friends at all, I don’t even know how to make friends. Perhaps my being critical is to blame. Much of the time I am not even aware of it and have hurt others, especially my husband who has only ever been loving and supportive. Whew, just writing this is hard and is making me cry. I think my parents really did a number on me and my siblings, none of whom I am close with. We have never shown any emotion around one another and are always on guard, probably because we learned early that showing emotion would not get you any comfort in return. It’s made for a challenging life personally and professionally.

    1. Anon for this*

      I salute your self-reflection and wish for change! You might try buying a CBT book to help you with reflection and habit change. Or find a therapist to help you work out your self-protective strategies and being more open and vulnerable. Mindfulness meditation might also help slow down your critical reflexes so you can replace them with something more positive.

    2. Tomacco*

      Honestly, find a good therapist who you connect with. Someone who will help you unpack your childhood, reflect on past and current relationships, and identify strategies to help you become the less-critical person you want to be etc.

    3. Might Be Spam*

      Are there any addiction or mental health issues in your family of origin? One of these groups may be useful, especially if you also try therapy.
      ACoA “Adult children of alcoholics” includes other dysfunctions, not just alcoholism.
      Alanon is for families of alcoholics even if you don’t currently live with them.
      CoDA “Codependents Anonymous” is for anyone who comes from, or currently has, toxic family in their lives.
      There are meetings online and some groups are starting to meet in person again.
      I’ve gotten a lot of insight into my family and why I do things and I’ve learned new coping strategies that really work. It’s never too late to try. I started when I was 60 and my life (even with the pandemic) is so much better.

      1. Mazzy*

        These type of meetings make it SO EASY to make friends. At some, people go to dinner or lunch afterwards. You don’t need to be a social butterfly, just get invited or try to invite yourself, and make small talk the first time. As Not So New Reader implies below, if someone says they’re doing something expensive, don’t say “oh your budget must be blown.” Say “great!” Try to keep it positive in the beginning. You can always bring up the negative stuff later – much later.

        I think that when you’re not good at making friends, there is a tendency to rush into it. Resist it. There is no reason to unload your baggage on someone you just met. Talk about basic stuff. It’s OK if there are pauses. Better for an awkward pause than you unloading a bunch of stuff on a near-stranger.

        I made some friends and just acquaintances as well in a program. That’s a place to start. Go to the meeting a little early so you have to talk to someone. Get #s. Call someone in need, even for just five minutes to check on them. Little stuff like that. Don’t make the goal “find my soul mate BFF at the first meeting.”

        Now I’m getting to into this and hoping OP can think of some sort of meeting they can regularly go to.

        1. Might be Spam*

          You’re right about meeting people and making friends at these meetings. Sometimes the after-meeting get-together will last longer than the meeting and has more focus on back-and-forth conversation than is possible in a meeting. Also, we’re all learning about boundaries and people don’t get upset if you don’t want to talk about something.
          I’ve been able to say “So who wants to go somewhere after the meeting?” I never used to be able to risk that before. In my groups we make a point of telling newcomers that they are welcome to join anyone who is going out because “We are all ‘cool kids’ now.” Don’t be afraid to ask what the group does after the meeting.
          Go out afterwards can be just as important as going to the actual meeting.

    4. LGC*

      THERAPY

      THERAPY FOR EVERYONE

      THERAPY ALL THE TIME

      …okay, but seriously, you do sound like someone who would benefit from therapy! (Aside from being a human, of course.) First of all, you want to change. Second of all, you aren’t sure how to change. Finally, you have…quite a bit of baggage from your early life. (Fine, you have a bit of trauma and have learned coping mechanisms that were helpful to you as a child but aren’t helpful now.)

      I’d probably look for a therapist that specializes in behavioral therapy and/or family issues. The behavioral therapy is because your first sentence is literally about correcting a behavioral issue, and then you talk about the dysfunction in your family where you and your siblings don’t show emotion because you don’t see the point.

      (And yes, it’s costly, although there are sliding scale therapists, teletherapists, and other options.)

    5. nep*

      Whew, just writing this is hard and is making me cry
      Sounds like an important breakthrough. Wonderful that you’re at this point, and reflecting on things in this way. Courageous of you to put it out there.
      Maybe it’s almost an unconscious defense mechanism–I’m going to criticise to preempt being criticised…or at least so I’m not the only one being put down. Or by some mechanism deep down you’re not even aware of, criticism is how love is expressed. Of course, only you and anyone you might turn to for a very deep look at this will know.
      I guess what comes up for me is it might help to catch yourself when you start to repeat this narrative to yourself that you are a critical person. You are fresh and new in every moment. Think about it.
      If it turns out that you turn to therapy, may that go well for you. Wishing you peace.

      1. Hello It's Me*

        You are the best, nep! I loved that you put that link to Todd Rundgren a few weeks back. Wishing you everything wonderful too. This was so kind and compassionate.

        1. nep*

          I’m trying to recall–I remember being so taken with a commencement speech he did; I reckon that’s the link I shared…
          Anyway, love your handle. I could watch that ‘Midnight Special’ rendition a million times.

      2. I Go OnAnonAnonAnon*

        “You are fresh and new in every moment.”

        Thank you for this. I needed to hear it today.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Just my opinion but 50% of your problem is solved right here in this post. The number one thing is that you are able to put into words what is bothering you and what you want to change. The second thing that telegraphs you have started your change already is the tears. Tears cause a chemical reaction in the brain that helps to keep the brain healthy. Use your tears to help you along here.

      I am 60. I believe my family was hyper-critical. Part of me realizes that I will have to take deliberate steps the rest of my life to combat my natural critical reaction. Acceptance is a good thing. Put it on a par with brushing your teeth, washing your hair, it’s just something that we do. We brush our teeth, we try to be less critical, etc.

      My wise friend gave me a tidbit that I think is unusually good. In order to learn to be less critical of others we have to learn how to be less critical of ourselves. Can you remember the last time you forgave your own self for a misstep? Uh, okay, have you ever forgiven yourself for your own misstep?
      Use a two prong approach, forgive yourself AND forgive others.
      A good way to help ourselves with our own mistakes is to go to the trouble to develop an action plan for not making that same mistake again. I use this at work also. It’s just an all round good habit. Yes, it’s a PITA when you first start. But once it kicks in and you see the benefits, it suddenly gets much easier.

      Another good habit is to apologize the moment you realize you have said the wrong thing. The way this went for me is that I did not always realize so I wasn’t apologizing all the time. But I did get a surprise in that I found parts of myself when I apologized. I did not break up into tiny pieces, which was really great. I dunno, I guess I though I would implode or melt or something. Instead I felt stronger. I realized it takes a strong person to admit they are wrong. Fragile people can’t admit they are wrong, as they think they will implode or melt or something.

      It sounds like you are sincerely impressed with your hubby. Copy the best of his best. There is no shame in copying what we see others doing. Copy what you admire the most and pretty soon you will be creating your own admirable things.

      Practice. My friend bought a brand new truck. It’s nice… and EXPENSIVE. I know my friend watches the budget. I also know my friend has had some really hard bumps in life. Putting these two together I realized that my friend did not need me reminding him about his budget. He needed me to celebrate this one little win he had when he was able to purchase a nice and safe vehicle. I was more supportive by cheering with him than I ever would have been by making a comment about his finances.
      This is one example, but it shows how we can just go one person at a time and one situation at a time to change what we learned in life.

      Making friends involves being able to trust. If your guard is up, your ability to trust is down. Remember trust is not an all or nothing thing. You can share a recipe with a friend but you don’t share your credit card number. There’s a middle area and it’s huge. I have to note here that you did actually post here, so I would suggest to you that you have this step under way also. You decided to trust people here, you decided to let your guard down a tad to find out something/anything. This means you can go ahead and find another well chosen person to trust.

      I do agree with the therapy suggested here. And I also agree with finding books to read. What I like about self-help books is that it’s totally private. You read the book and think it through for yourself. No one else is involved. Sometimes we need a little space to sort our own thinking.

      I’d like to point out something, maybe it’s obvious but maybe not. You are not that naive child anymore. You are not that naive teen any more, either. You have been able to see how the world works and you have a broader respective than you have ever had. This is an advantage.
      You also have resources. As kids we don’t have much to work with. When you and I were kids there was no internet. Now help is just a few clicks away.
      And last, you have your autonomy. You have the ability and the right to say how this segment of your life plays out. The naivete is gone, the resources and autonomy are in place. It’s not like it was when you were growing up.

      You can do this. I wish you the absolute best.

      3. Mazzy*

        You say friendships are about trust. I want to add, they are also about consistency. If you want to meet people, you need to be seen around and be consistent, meaning no fits of rage or sour pusses. As I wrote above, despite meeting people in the regular places – jobs and college – I met some people in meetings. No, it was no because I’m wildly entertaining and a socialite. It was because I was consistent. People see you in the same place week after week. You become part of the scenery. Eventually something will happen that they will start talking with you.

      4. NoLongerYoung*

        Always, NSNR, your advice is +100. insight and encouragement bundled together. I’m almost 2 years out from under my albatross and critical person-induced misery, and still, every time you write, I find new words that help. Know that you have helped me (and others) even when I dont say thank you.

    7. Not A Manager*

      In addition to the good advice that you’ve gotten, you might also take a look at people that you really like and admire how they behave, and try to model your behavior on theirs. I was lucky to have some really good role models in my 20’s and again in my 40’s who demonstrated by their behavior other ways of acting and feeling. Even if you’re not “feeling it” internally, make a conscious effort to imitate the behavior that you like.

      One time, I was bike riding with a friend. I’d always seen other bikers shout “on your left” when they pass you, so I was doing that. But this lady, when we would pass someone, would call over her shoulder, “thank you!” I’d never seen anyone do that, tbh. It seemed like such a nice acknowledgement that I decided to start doing that too. I know that sounds sort of petty, but if there are people who you think to yourself, “wow, that person is so kind and non-judgmental,” maybe think about what they do that makes them seem that way to you.

      Relatedly, as an antidote to criticizing, you might try to actively praise one thing in every daily encounter you have with another person. It doesn’t have to be something big. Like everyone else, I’m interacting a lot with people on the phone. I try to say something like, “you’ve really resolved this issue for me, thank you so much for the effort,” and whatnot. Tell your husband small things that you’ve noticed that he’s done, or even branch out and praise him for some nice aspect of his character. “I really like that I don’t feel judged by you” might be a good place to start.

      I also think that it can help to have a little dialogue with yourself when you feel critical. Sometimes it’s a matter of reminding yourself that in matters of custom there really isn’t One Right Way and what other people do is fine for them. Sometimes it’s a matter of trying to find empathy or compassion for why someone might have made a wrong choice. But just taking a minute when you feel critical, to sort of reset your own internal clock.

    8. Anonyme*

      This seems like something that would need work to unlearn. Whether that is through therapy or goal setting (aim for 3 times a day saying something supportive instead of critical and work your way up?)

    9. Anonforthis*

      Thanks everyone for your responses, has given me much food for thought. I started thinking and reading about my need to prove my intelligence and over compensate to make up for my shortcomings in other areas. This causes me to be thoughtless in my delivery and so run roughshod over the thoughts or opinions of others. I’m determined to be more aware of my approach to conversations instead of barging in and forcing my viewpoint as the only (and best) one.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Under the heading of going easy on yourself: Remind yourself that these things were necessary to survive into adulthood. You had to do as those around you did. Happily, these things are no longer necessary now. Life is kinder now. People are kinder now.

    10. Observer*

      You’ve gotten some excellent advice, and you seem to have taken a lot of it on board in a healthy way. So that’s a really good start.

      One thing you can start doing immediately is to give yourself an immediate check before you make any comment about another person / person’s action. Ask yourself the following questions:

      1. Is it necessary
      2. Is it kind
      3. Is it accurate

      If you get a no to any of them, step back. Just keep in mind that you need to define “necessary” pretty narrowly. But once you start making a habit of really thinking about what you are saying, you are likely to improve, since you really want to change.

      And let your husband know what you are trying to do.

    11. Windchime*

      I used to be extremely critical, mostly because I grew up with a critical mom. What helped me was just maturing and also, to truly give people the benefit of the doubt. In a weird way, that also helped me to give *myself* the benefit of the doubt. To forgive myself for mistakes or dumb decisions.

      I started out small. If someone cut me off in traffic, instead of thinking they were an asshole, I tell myself that maybe the just didn’t see me or they really, really needed to get over so they could make their exit. If a coworker is curt, I don’t take it personally; I just try to remember that he is a person, too, and maybe is just having a bad day or didn’t sleep last night or he had a fight with his wife. Either way, it’s not personal and I can just not interrupt him unnecessarily for a bit. Once I got in the habit of giving others (and myself) the benefit of the doubt, my life became a lot easier and it helped to remove that feeling of anxiety and defensiveness in my interactions with other people.

      Also, therapy. If you find the right person, it can be super helpful.

  48. General Organa*

    Hi! A somewhat silly request. I was never allowed to have video games or spend a lot of time on computer games as a kid, but now that I am an adult with a lot of time on her hands due to living alone in quarantine, I’d like to try some. Any suggestions for someone who loves fantasy and the idea of RPGs but is new to gaming? I have a Nintendo Switch but would be open to computer games too. I like Animal Crossing and Mario Odyssey so far — I watched some friends play through Breath of the Wild and it looks amazing, but I tried to play and couldn’t get the hang of the variety of the controls (though it might just take practice). Would love any thoughts!

    1. Ranon*

      Kingdom of Loathing is a free online game (there’s some ways to give them money but it’s not essential to enjoyable playing) – it’s basically a text & turn based game so it doesn’t require any security dexterity in moving in a digital environment but it’s very well written and has absolute mountains of content to explore. It’s also very funny. Graphics are light but well done (stick figures)

    2. No Tribble At All*

      Console controllers can take a while to get used to :) hello from someone who also wasn’t allowed video games as a kid and now is a grown-ass adult who loves them! I would actually recommend starting with some older games to get yourself used to a controller. I loved Dragon Age: Origins — it’s a high fantasy setting, RPG, with great characters. The combat is turn-based so you don’t have to aim, per se, you just have to select the enemy and push the “attack” button. You also don’t have to have reflexes or coordination for button combos. If you do play it, don’t feel afraid to look up a leveling guide for your companions: the game has both attributes (Strength, Wisdom) and abilities (Shield Bash, Ray of Frost) and you have to have the right attributes to make your abilities effective. The DLCs are totally worth it as well, and have some playability improvements (party loot storage!).

    3. Aly_b*

      Portal 2 is still an absolute delight and is an all-time favorite of mine. It was one of the early games I played and found one or two spots where the controls were tricky but not so many that it was game breaking for me as a new gamer. I like Torchlight 2 as well for a fantasy game with some low-controls combat that’s not too stressful, and a fun mix of loot, combat, and upgrading/crafting equipment. Those are both ones I played on the computer but I think Torchlight may be available on Switch as well.

    4. No Tribble At All*

      For getting used to a controller, Dragon Age: Origins! High fantasy setting, RPG, amazing characters and plotline. Because the game’s a little older, the combat style is older as well, so you don’t have to aim or have precise timing. Don’t be afraid to look up leveling guides online — your characters have both attributes (Strength, Wisdom) and abilities (Shield Bash, Lightning Bolt) and you have to have the right attributes to make your attacks effective. So there’s a Lot of options, but it’s all very well documented online. I highly recommend the DLC as well — gameplay improvements and great story.

    6. Girasol*

      A friend started us on Guild Wars awhile back and we love it. It’s an older game but it has remarkable diversity and the scenery is really wonderful. There’s a learning curve with the controls and I remember being frustrated at the start, but the makers added a lot of pop-up tips for starting and advancing a new character so it coaches you along rather well now. They do really well at reducing frustration and “grinding,” those boring repetitious efforts that plague some games. We play as a group and chatter on Mumble (a gamer’s chat app) in the background, but I play a lot alone and there’s not much that the lone player can’t do. You can battle baddies and other players, do quests related to a long and complex fantasy back-story, gather resources and do craft work, or just wander around avoiding the dangers and enjoying the scenery.

      1. Nessun*

        Second Guild Wars (well, Guild Wars 2) – a beautiful game with an interesting story, very supportive guilds and ingame chatter, and free to play through lv 80, so pots of time to learn if you like it. Every game has some more toxic elements but I find them harder to find and easier to leave behind in this game. And as someone who hadn’t played an online rpf before I picked it up 4 years ago, it was easy to figure put and people were really helpful in explaining things. Plus if you kill a magical whatsit everyone gets loot – it’s not a “one pair of +100 trousers of baddassery will drop when 60 people kill this boss” kind of game. And the score is gorgeous!

    7. Aerin*

      Breath of the Wild does take a bit of practice. I played that one after playing Kingdom Hearts, which has its jump/attack buttons reversed from BotW, and it took awhile before I stopped messing those up.

      I think you can get most of the Final Fantasy games on PC. The only ones I’ve played personally are X/X-2, which I really enjoyed and have been meaning to replay. (Well, I also got through about half of VIII a while back.) I know Skyrim is available on Switch but that’s another one I haven’t played.

      If you’re curious about retro gaming, getting a Nintendo Switch Online account gives you access to a bunch of NES and SNES games

    8. curly sue*

      I have been having a fantastic time with the Lego games on the Switch. My current obsession is Marvel Superheroes 2, but really all of them are good fun. The basic game mechanic is “break everything, and then rebuild some stuff,” and my youngest kid and I have had a blast just running around the setting ignoring all the quests and just blowing s**t up.

      I also had very little experience with console games prior to the Switch, other than Mario, and Breath of the Wild is very worth the effort of mastering the controls. It’s not like anything I’ve ever seen before, and the open-word aspect once you get off the Great Plateau is mind-blowing.

      Are you playing the Switch hand-held, or docked on a TV? If docked, I had much better luck getting used to a Gamecube-style controller, plugged in via USB. I’m not a fan of the joycons, and found them uncomfortably small for my hands when detached from the system.

    9. Laura H.*

      Fire Emblem 3 Houses.

      Grid based system and somewhat point and click for combat. And it’s replayable with four different routes!

    10. General Organa*

      Thank you all so much, I’ve googled all of the games mentioned so far and they look like an amazing start!

    11. Dan*

      My advice here with computer game is use Steam as the client manager. Everything is digital, and Steam runs fantastic sales a few times a year. If you wait for sales, you can buy and try without wasting too much money if you don’t like it.

      One of my favorite games is HITMAN. It’s a strategy game that really makes you think to score well. The funny thing is, you carry a gun, but nine times out of ten, if you use it, you will lose. The idea is to blend in and take care of business without drawing attention to yourself, and using a gun is usually counterproductive.

    13. Aealias*

      I feel a little like I’m recommending crack, but if you enjoy fantasy and rpgs you might be a candidate for World of Warcraft. The game client’s a free download, and the first 20 levels are free to play, so you can get a feel for if it grabs you. I recommend an RP server for a slightly higher chance of friendly players who speak in complete sentences, but you can absolutely enjoy questing through the game just interacting with storyline and NPCs. If you DO decide you love it and want to pay the monthly subscription fee (~$15) you can hit up any current player for an invite, which gives you and them some flavour content, and you a boost to levelling when you play together. Or you can just sign up on your own, that works fine.

      Pikmin was almost my favourite Nintendo game, although the colonialist theme was deeply upsetting when I thought about it. My favourite Nintendo game EVER, if your platform is backwards compatible, was Eternal Darkness, which is an RPG wherein the point-of-view character goes slowly insane, to very cool effect. Strongly recommend.

    14. Nynaeve*

      No specific recommendations, since my gaming preferences seem to be different from yours, but I want to offer encouragement as a fellow new-to-gaming gamer. You have just as much a right to be in gaming spaces and call yourself a gamer as people who grew up with consoles! There are so many different types of games that there really is something for everyone. Explore and find what you like. If something doesn’t work for you, don’t feel bad about dropping it, even if other people seem to like it.

      I mostly play computer games and I found walking simulators and games with point-and-click interfaces to be newbie-friendly ways to start off. I played a lot of short indie games to start off because I liked the reward of getting to the end of the story fairly quickly. Eventually, you’ll find what you like and what frustrates you and can skim reviews to filter for those things.

      It helps me to keep in mind that learning to play the game is part of the process of the game itself – you’re not necessarily supposed to master it right away, and if the game is doing its job right, your skills will progress as the game moves forward just enough to struggle a little with the next challenge, but eventually master it. It is a really rewarding feeling to suddenly master something you’ve been struggling with. However, if I get really stuck and frustrated, I’m not precious about solving it myself. I’ll search for how someone else solved the problem or ask a skilled gamer friend to play through a section I’m just too butterfingered to handle. The point is to have fun!

      If you do try computer games, I second the recommendation for Steam. There are tons of games and really good sales. Once you start playing, you’ll get recommendations for other games you might like based on what you’ve spent a lot of time playing. I had 5 or 6 games at the start of the year and now I have 29!

    15. MEH*

      Late to the party, but I would recommend Spiritfarer if you like Animal Crossing. It’s a cozy management game that has to do with death, grieving, and loss, but also life and love. There are some gameplay aspects, but they’re pretty simple and not hard to master. It’s a lovely and emotional game. It’s on the Switch and on Steam.

      I’d also like to welcome you to the world of gaming. I’m an older woman with cruddy reactions, and I’ve learned to enjoy gaming on my own terms. I use Steam (PC), and it’s fantastic for exploring different genres of games. Steam always has some kind of sale going on, and some of the games have demos so you can try them out without buying. If you like fantasy and the ideas of RPG, both Skyrim and The Witcher 3 are good open world games that fit both categories. Personally, I liked The Witcher 3 better than Skyrim, but both are well regarded.

      I want to echo others who say that gaming is for everyone, and there is probably something for you. It may take some exploration, and it might not be what you expected it to be (my favorite series is Dark Souls, and I never would have guessed that when I first started playing the first game). Oh, and Dark Souls games are fantasy and RPGs, too. They’re known to be difficult, but they’re also highly rewarding. Good luck and happy gaming!

    16. Diatryma*

      For more intense gaming, I really like Don’t Starve (which gives you an idea of what I consider ‘intense’).

      I am also a huge fan of Just Shapes and Beats– move your shape to avoid hazards made of music! also Square Friend! and Boat Friend! and OH NO WHAT HAPPENED and it’s amazing how attached I am to my little shape.

      Fall Guys: Skill? What skill? You need like four buttons and mostly run into things and make WHOO noises when you trip.

  49. I'm just here for the cats!*

    Would love some insight. Do most people only have 1 set of bedsheets? I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube cleaning videos and so many only have1 set of sheet, even for their kids. This make no sense to me. Not only would they wear out faster, but what happens if your kid is sick and messes the bed? Are you going to have him sleep on the mattress and so laundry at 2 in the morning?

    1. A313*

      I have several sets, but I often wash the set from the bed and then put them right back on. Hate folding the fitted sheet! And yes, I’ve watched the videos and know how to do it, but some part of me hates that it can’t be folded perfectly square because of the elastic. But if I need to, I can use one of the other sets. Maybe the YouTube people do the same? I hope? Cause with kids, you’d need more than 1 set for sure!

    2. BRR*

      I used to and would just wash and but then back on. Now I have two sets and would definitely have at least two sets for kids.

    3. Roja*

      I only have one set, but I thought I was the only one! I’d never have just one set for a kid though… that sounds awfully risky.

    4. it happens*

      Hi, I’m it happens and I have a linens problem.
      I love sheets. It started when I first lived on my own in a fourth floor walk up a block away from a laundromat. Hated carrying laundry around, so made sure I had enough sheets, towels, socks and underwear to go six weeks between trips.
      I now have two sets of dedicated summer sheets (so I can pull one set off to launder and immediately put the other set on,) two sets of flannels, a Belgian linen set that can be used anytime, a dedicated “hotel” looking set with matching duvet cover for when elders come to visit, a very high thread count set that is just too warm to use, and two other pretty ones that rotate in and out. And that’s after getting rid of a few sets some years ago because even I could see it was too much. But I still love to look through catalogs of pretty bed things.

      2. Valancy Snaith*

        Oh thank goodness I’m not the only one! We have two sets of fleece sheets for the winter that we rotate (although one is wearing out, and I really should get a second set) because it gets damn cold here. One “good” set, two “everyday” sets, one set that’s stained and I put on the bed in the event that something else might stain it, one reject set that I hate but am keeping around for…I don’t know why, and two sets of sheets for the guest bed. One sheet set got sacrificed earlier this year to make masks (back when elastic and fabric were in short supply), one went with my brother-in-law when he moved out, one I’m just keeping around because I haven’t gotten around to doing anything with it yet. And yet I find myself looking for more!

      3. Insurance mom*

        Um, me too. Also I have a ‘holiday’ bedspread, a winter red quilt, and a couple others too heavy for August.

      4. I'm just here for the cats!*

        Same here. One apartment was 6 blocks away from laundry mat. But we have always had 2 sets of summer and 2 winter sheets.

      5. Sarahkay*

        I don’t even have the excuse of hating to carry laundry since everywhere I’ve lived since my student days has had a washing machine, and I have at least eight sets of bed linens – maybe more but I can’t be bothered to go and count.
        I love having a choice of colours; usually I go for the deeper coloured sets in winter and lighter colours in summer. If I’m liking a particular set I’ll wash it, hang it out to dry and put it back on the bed the same day, so it’ll have a lovely fresh-air smell to it, which is one of my favourite things.

    5. Bibliovore*

      2 beds, 4 sets. I like to put the clean set on immediately. Wash once a week, so I don’t have to think about it.

    6. ...*

      I usually just have one set, I dont have kids though. my dog puked on the bed last night so I just like put another blanket over the bed and slept on that while I washed them. and yeah I do laundry at 2 am if they get messy for some reason, I just throw them right in the wash

    7. Llama face!*

      I have 3 sets of sheets that I use rotationally (changed weekly). I live somewhere where stuff gets musty easily so I’ve figured out that 3 weeks is the max gap between uses or they start smelling bad. I have two bed pillows that I stack one behind the other so the next sheet set’s pillowcase is put on the rear pillow the week before and then that pillow becomes the front one the next week. (That way my pillows also last longer since they get drooled on only every 2nd week, haha).
      I can’t imagine only having one set of sheets.

    8. MMB*

      I……..have an entire linen closet. A big one. I think it’s hereditary ALL of the women in my family seem to have at least a dozen sets of sheets.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, me too. Although I have a few favorites that get used more than others. I couldn’t live with just one set of sheets per person, because we don’t have a tumble dryer.

    9. HannahS*

      As a kid, we always had a couple of spare sheets and an extra blanket or two hanging around in the closet, for exactly that purpose. Since I’ve moved out, I always had two. I don’t always have time to do laundry exactly when the sheets need to be changed.

        1. midnightcat*

          Sure, until you wash it and then you need a second one?

          We are talking about sheets right? The things that go between your bed and your skin?

          1. lasslisa*

            You just don’t use the bed for a few hours while the sheets are in the dryer. It’s not so hard!

    11. ThatGirl*

      We have two lightweight sets of sheets and two heavier ones for winter, and we alternate weeks. We also have two sets for the guest bed!

    12. RagingADHD*

      We have, I think, 3 sets per bed for the twin size and 4 sets for the queen size. It may be more or less as they wear out and get replaced.

    13. Elizabeth West*

      I always have at least two, so I can rotate them. Cotton percale lasts the longest and is the most comfy, except in winter when I really enjoy flannel sheets. I think right now I have more like six, since my mum has given me some since I’ve been here (the rest are in storage).

      Pro-tip: Do not wear flannel PJs when sleeping on flannel sheets; you’ll stick like one of the shapes on those little felt boards for kids.

      1. Christmas Carol*

        Additional Pro-tip: Do not wear satin PJs when sleeping on satin sheets; find yourself on the floor.

      1. Ron McDon*

        I can’t imagine only having one set – what if you wash it, hang it out and it rains? Or blows off the line and gets dirty? Or your dryer breaks? Yes, I have anxiety and over-think everything, how did you know?!

        I have two sets for every bed. My son’s room is cold in the winter, warm in the summer, so he has four sets – two flannel sets for winter, two cotton sets for summer.

    15. Alex*

      For my own bed I have one set for winter and one set for summer.

      I have a few more sets/sheets kicking around for my futon (for overnight guests) and other uses, like camping and picnics and whatever, but those are older and don’t fit my mattress thickness.

      It never occurred to me I’d need to alternate every week. I just wash and put back on. Except when I swap out for the season change.

    16. CatCat*

      We only have two sets for each bed: one set of cool sheets for warm weather and one set of warm sheets for cold weather.

    17. Sleepless*

      My mother was taught in home ec in the 50s that you were supposed to have three sets for each bed…one to switch out when washing them and a third set for an emergency. I only have two, but a third would be useful.

    18. Eva Luna*

      We have 2 beds (one king, one queen) and 4 sets of sheets: one heavy flannel for winter, and one cotton for summer. And we have an ancient full-sized sofa bed in the basement and a set of sheets for that somewhere, plus two twin mattresses and folding bed frames in the basement (long story, but someday we hope to be able to build out the attic and store those behind knee walls up there for visitors – two twins are more versatile than a larger bed depending on who the guests are). And we have a couple of twin sheets for those.

      The blanket/bedspread/comforter/quilt situation, however, is a little bit out of hand.

    19. londonedit*

      I have…four or five? I’ve never heard of just having one set of bedding! There’s no way I could get a set washed and dried in time to put it back on the bed that same evening, so I absolutely need more than one set so that I can put a clean set on the bed while the used stuff is being washed and dried.

  50. LGC*

    Low-stakes question for the day: how can I become a more timely person? I think this really hit me this morning when I missed meeting up with my friends for a run and they pointed out that they were expecting me to be a bit late (I was late the previous couple of weeks, but chased them down both times before) – which kind of stung a little bit, but was also something I couldn’t argue with. I joked that I’d probably be late to my own funeral a la Elizabeth Taylor, but…ugh. I’m a bit annoyed with myself.

    I’m generally pretty good with important things – like getting to work on time or major life events like weddings – but if it’s like going out to dinner with friends (when that’s allowed again), that’s where I struggle. And to be fair, I thought I was just charmingly late, but now I’ve realized that I’m well past the age (if there was ever an age) where that’s cute.

    1. Ali G*

      Do you know why you are late? Do you get distracted and lose track of time? Are you terrible at judging how long it takes to get somewhere? Do you just not really care and therefore don’t think it’s a big deal?
      My husband is chronically late because he is a terrible judge of how long it takes him to do things. He will tell me he just needs to do these 2 things and he’ll be done work in a half hour. I don’t even consider that possible and I mentally start to check in after an hour.
      I think you need to figure out what is driving the lateness and then you can address it.

      2. LGC*

        It varies. Like, this morning I stepped awkwardly out of bed again when I got up (an hour before I was supposed to leave, and I was meeting them in town) and got a bad cramp and just crawled back under the covers. Next thing I know, it’s 6 AM (when I’m supposed to BE THERE).

        Funny enough, I generally get worse the closer things are to me. I can figure out how to get to the train in time to get to the city most of the time. Ask me to walk five minutes to downtown, though, and I’ll often show up a bit late.

        1. Alex*

          It seems like you suffer from magical thinking. If something seems “mushy” like the five minutes that it takes to walk from here to there, or the vague time you need to leave your home to not miss your friends, it just gets folded into “oh, I’ll get there, it’s not that far” rather than “I need to be out of bed by X time and leave by Y time” the way you think about something like a train schedule.

          So maybe try to start setting specific goals for yourself for every time you have any kind of appointment. When you make the plan to go running with friends, include in that plan that you will have to plan to be out of bed by X specific time, leave the house by Y specific time. Make everything like a train schedule, and importantly don’t let yourself tell yourself the story that some times are “softer” than others and will magically fall into place. All time is the same!

          1. Lizard*

            Seconded! Another form of magical thinking is forgetting to allocate time for quick tasks. I know there are certain things I need to do before I leave the house. It takes less than a minute to pack my bag. And it takes less than a minute to check the stove. And it takes less than a minute to put on my shoes. Etc.

            If I assume it takes zero time to do these things, and only get started when I’m due to go out the door, I’ll be late. Because these tasks add up, and I might need an extra ten minutes to get them all done.

    2. CTT*

      “I’m generally pretty good with important things – like getting to work on time or major life events like weddings – but if it’s like going out to dinner with friends”

      I think that’s what you need to focus on – you’re sending the message to your friends that they’re not important. I have a few chronically late friends, and while it’s annoying (how many times have I made the “should I get a drink now? Because if they’re ALMOST to the restaurant then it’s fine, but if they’re still 10 minutes away, I’ll end up drinking it all before they get here” calculation), but knowing that they are capable of being on time and choose not to be hurts. If you can show up for work on time, you can show up for your friends.

      1. Parenthetically*

        +1 to this. I have a dear, dear friend who’s like this — her kids are never late for school but she has NEVER shown up less than 15 minutes late to do something with me. It’s honestly hurtful.

        2. allathian*

          I don’t keep them either. I had a friend in college and early adulthood who used to do this all the time. She was wonderful otherwise. As long as we didn’t have cellphones, she’d be more or less on time. But when we got our first cellphones in the late 90s after we’d graduated, it became really awful. She’d call or text me when she was 15 minutes late that she’d be there in a jiffy, and it’d take another 15 minutes for her to actually get there. It became really annoying and I felt like she didn’t value my friendship, especially as there was never a good reason for her to be late. If she’d texted me to say that her boss showed up or that she got an urgent assignment just when she was planning to leave, I would have understood. But in her case I suspect it was a combination of magical thinking and poor planning.

          At some point my annoyance with her inability to keep time started to outweigh the joy I got from our friendship otherwise, and it just petered out. For a while we remained e-mail friends, but then when I met my husband and especially when I had my son, we just lost touch.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Yep. I used to have a friend who did that – called me ten minutes after he was supposed to be meeting me for breakfast to tell me that he was just leaving, never mind that the restaurant was 20 minutes from his house at best. Finally I just got there on time and ordered when I was seated. He showed up at 10:40 while I was halfway through my pancakes and went “Oh, I thought we were eating breakfast together!” I said “So did I. At 10am.” And never agreed to meet him for breakfast again.

      2. LGC*

        Seeing myself quoted back at me hurts SO MUCH and I appreciate that you did that. That’s what bothers me about this – like, they DO matter to me! But I know I’m not acting like they do.

      3. Everdene*

        I have a former close friend who was always late. Sometimes it was all a funny joke, but other times really hurtful. On one occassion me and Oak looked after their daughter for the weekend. We agreed they would be round in time for Sunday lunch at 1pm and then take her home. Knowing they would be late I prepared the meal for 2pm. They didn’t arrive until 3:30pm – there house was 20 minutes away. The daughter kept asking ‘when will my mum and dad be here’ and I honestly couldn’t answer – so she was hurt too.

        Oak and my inlaws have a habit of being late too, although not so bad, it can be really frustrating. When it’s a consistant thing, as others have said, it does feel like they think their time is more important than yours.

        While I value punctuality a lot, I find mornings really hard. My trick is to set lots of alarms; wake up, get up, be out of shower, put your coat on, leave house now… and I’ll set them through the day if I have something with an exact time. It drives Oak mad BUT at least one of us is on time!

      4. Ron McDon*

        100%

        My sister has always been late to everything social (never work or ‘important’ things). It used to drive my parents and I (and my husband and her own husband) crazy!

        I know that people who are perpetually late don’t do it on purpose, don’t mean to be late, don’t mean it disrespectfully – but it feels disrespectful. It feels like you’re prioritising your time over other peoples’. That it’s more important that you do that ‘one last little thing’ than turn up on time to meet your friends/family.

        After we were making Christmas lunch one year for which she arrived *an hour* late, we have stopped waiting for her. If we’re meeting up for a day out somewhere and she’s not there, we go off exploring and she’ll ring us when she arrives so we can meet up. If we’re making dinner and she hasn’t arrived, we go on and eat.

        The only way to handle this is to stop accommodating it and stop getting annoyed.

        Now, because I know that we’ll just go on and do something I don’t get annoyed if she’s late – we go on ahead and she joins us when she can. We’re all less annoyed and she doesn’t feel guilty – it’s improved our relationship immensely!

        The fact that you were a little annoyed and inconvenienced by your friends going ahead without you is a good thing, I think. Next time you’re considering whether to leave now or just do something else first, you might remember how you felt and decide to be on time (or even a bit early!).

        And I think you’re so right that the closer an event is to where you live the less urgency you feel – my son’s best friend in primary school lived a 1-2 minute walk from the school gates – and his parents were running down the road with him 5 minutes after school had started every single day!!!

    3. Aerin*

      Maybe try counting backwards when you’re planning on getting somewhere? I have ADHD and it’s really easy to lose track of time, but I also hatehatehate being late and being rushed stresses me out. My calculation tends to go, “Okay, so we’re meeting at 7. It takes 20 minutes to get there, so with a cushion for traffic and parking I should aim to leave the house by 6:30. I want to try something new with my hair, so I should start getting ready by 6.” And then I might set an alarm, but usually I’m so paranoid about being late that I’m constantly gauging how much time I have left before I need to get going. (Kind of like how it’s normally really hard for me to wake up, but if I need to be up early to catch a flight I will be w i d e awake before the alarm.) Also I’ve put up a couple of extra clocks in places where I know my sense of time gets wibbly so it’s staring right at me.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Someone (here?) also recommended a timer/stopwatch app that actually audibly calls out the ongoing time, to kinda keep the user on their toes as far as “Hey, time is passing, let’s go” kind of thing.

    4. Purt’s Peas*

      One thing to try is to get more comfortable being early. I think it’s pretty common to avoid being early to somewhere, whether you’re worried that you’ll have to wait, or that you’ll look too eager, or that it will be awkward to chat with the only other early bird.

      Might not be relevant to your specific lateness block, but it’s part of mine, when it comes up.

      1. Aerin*

        Or if you still want to be fashionably late (which in my book is, like, 5 minutes max if it’s something with a set start time), wait in your car, or if you’re taking transit/a cab find someplace nearby to chill until it’s time.

      2. lasslisa*

        This is definitely my problem. It’s 5 minutes before the meeting starts! I shouldn’t waste time standing around when the previous meeting still isn’t over, I should send this email to be efficient! … Oh, it’s 2 minutes past now. And I have to walk 2 minutes to the conference room. And now I’m basically 5 minutes late.

        And I spent forever being like, “how do other people always get places on time? How come no one else overshoots on their last email?”

        Turns out other people were just… getting there five minutes early and shooting the breeze with each other in the hallway. Back in school, lots of people got to class early and got out their notebooks and started looking over their notes! Never had any idea.

    5. Anonbeth*

      Not doing an armchair diagnosis, but you might look up time blindness and/or ADHD related tardiness and see if it sounds like you. There was a long thread about ADHD lateness on AAM at some point.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        I was just about to suggest this. I recently got diagnosed with ADHD (see above) and also have issues with timeliness. I’m also good with making it to important things (like a flight or a train), but consistently being punctual (like to work pre-COVID) and to meet-ups with friends is something I’ve always struggled with.

        1. lazy intellectual*

          Something I do suggest you do is set a couple of alarms prior to when you have to leave in addition to your wake up alarm. Basically, 1 alarm halfway between when you wake and and when you leave, and one 10-15 minutes before you need to leave. The second alarm is what will light the fire under your butt if you are dragging your feet for whatever reason. Set these alarms the previous day.

    6. Not A Manager*

      My entire family of origin runs late. Like super, incredibly late. I still do sometimes, but the thing that really changed it for me internally was when someone told me that when you’re late, what you’re saying is that your time is more valuable than the other person’s time. That you literally don’t care that they are waiting for you.

      Once I heard that, I would feel so terrible when I was late that I started doing a much better job of being on time. One thing that gets in my way is I tend to break up all my tasks into tiny tiny increments, so whenever I’m set to leave there’s always one other VERY QUICK thing I could do, like switch the laundry to the dryer or send one more email and it’s SO QUICK I COULD FOR SURE GET IT DONE. I’ve really had to wean myself off of the idea that I need to cram in one more task – and asking myself “which is more important, this email or my friend’s time?” has been really helpful.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Pad your time estimates in EVERY thing that you do.

      When I became more conscious about time, I had to laugh because everything takes longer than it should. I get dressed in the morning and my top of choice that day has a lovely stain. I cannot find another top to go with the pants so I have to pick out pants AND a top. What should take a few minutes ends up being 15 minutes.

      I made a list of all the reasons I had problems getting to work: Accidents, construction, school buses, farm tractors, flooding, ice, cows, deer, omg, help me. At one point I realized I was averaging 3 days a week that I was delayed getting to work for some reason.

      This was a huge wake up call, delays and unforeseens are a part of life. Once I accepted that as fact, I needed to pad my time estimates. I add about 20% to my estimate most of the time. However at work, I have to double my time estimates, because unforeseens pop up every minute.

      I am going to make an odd suggestion. Get more rest. Seriously. It’s easier to be on time and to CARE about being on time if a person has some rest under their belt.

    8. midnightcat*

      Where did you get the idea that being late is charming? I think you need to unpick that!

      2. Not A Manager*

        Haha. I remember years ago (when I was still a Very Very Late Person) quoting to my husband that line from Catcher in the Rye where Holden says that unlike in cartoons, guys don’t stand around fuming looking at their watch when their date is late, because when a woman shows up looking sexy and fabulous it’s all worth it. (To paraphrase.) My husband was like, “no it’s not.”

        I do think there’s an image of the manic pixie dream girl (or whatever is current for a particular generation), where there’s a certain power dynamic to who’s late and who’s waiting, and whether it’s cute to be distracted or derailed, and whether certain things are forgivable because you’re cute.

      3. midnightcat*

        And also I just recommend setting alarms. If I need to be somewhere, I have alarms to remind me to get dressed and go.

    9. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Pointedly tell your friends to go on with whatever without you if you are not on time. And that you won’t be angry if they do. If you miss more, it may improve your motivation.

  51. Overeducated*

    I’m going to pick up my oldest child’s first bike today and I’m so excited! I love biking around town, she outgrew my rear seat about a year ago, and I look forward to riding together.

    ….as soon as she learns. She wants training wheels, but they are apparently made for 12-18″ bikes, and we are getting her 20″. (18″ hard to find, and she is at max height for 16″ already. We should have started this last year.) Any tips on teaching a kid to ride without training wheels with minimal trauma?

    1. Alex*

      A quick search on Amazon shows lots of training wheels that fit 20 inch bikes.

      Another option is to make it into a strider bike and remove the pedals until she learns to balance.

      Not recommended is to tell her she is a wimp and that big girls don’t mess around with training wheels, and create a standoff for two years over whether she will or will not get on that death trap. Ask me how I know….

    2. Ranon*

      Take the pedals off, drop the seat so she can reach the ground with her feet, and let her practice with it as a balance bike first- there’s some good you tube videos out there that can help with technique. If there’s an empty parking lot near you with a gentle slope those are pretty great for learning on.

      It’s likely better that she’s learning without training wheels- balancing is the hard part and training wheels can actually teach bad balance habits. Just keep the seat low until she has her confidence.

      Oh, and show how the brakes work- not that she’ll use them right off (lots of other things to think about!) but they’re an important component to learn.

      1. Elf*

        Second taking the pedals off 1000%
        She will be riding in no time if she starts out using it as a balance bike. Worked great for my niece (who didn’t learn to ride until 6) and my son learned on an actual balance bike (he was younger), was quite proficient on it, and literally went from never having been on a bike with pedals to biking around just fine in 10 minutes (caveat, it took him much longer than 10 minutes to be able to get started from a stop or to be comfortable with the hand brake).

      2. 00ff00Claire*

        I agree! Make it into a balance bike. You should be able to take the pedals off. There are tutorials online for how to do it. Balance is the real skill, and it may take some time, but she should be able to do better without the pedals at first. Wait until she is able to easily coast plus steer while maintaining balance before putting the pedals back on. That is, she should get to the point where she looks like a proficient bike rider who has enough momentum to stop pedaling but keep moving (if that makes sense).

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Do you have access to a slightly sloped smooth lawn? That’s how my friends taught their kids.
      Do avoid bumpy surfaces, if a child gets pitched, it can spook them.

    4. moql*

      I have strong memories of my dad holding me upright by holding on to the back of the seat. I would peddle slowly and he walked beside me. My sister and I were both very timid and having him there to keep us from falling helped build confidence.

      1. Natalie*

        My dad did this with me, too. He’s a runner, so as I got some speed up he kept pace and then at some point just let go and let me do it myself.

    5. allathian*

      My son never really learned to ride a bike with training wheels. In retrospect I suspect he would have learned faster with a strider bike, but somehow we never got round to getting him one and for some reason it was impossible to remove the pedals from the bike we did buy for him. The first bike he got did have a parent bar at the back for a parent to give a push to a kid who gets stuck and to help with balance, and we just kept moving it to bigger and bigger bikes. He’s on his third now, a 20″ with 7 gears (and both a handbrake for the front wheel and a foot brake for the back) and he’s finally confident enough that I’d let him ride in the neighborhood on his own if he wanted. So far he hasn’t wanted to do it, though. A couple friends live in our area and that would be perfect for biking, but they aren’t in his “pod”. Only his best friend is, and it’s a bit too far to ride.

      He really didn’t want to learn to ride a bike at all, but in our area it’s a good skill to have. They even have courses for adults who want to learn, most of whom are immigrants who never got the chance to learn as kids. We finally motivated him to learn it when we promised we’d buy him a PS4 when he was confident enough that we could get rid of the parent bar at the back.

    6. Ron McDon*

      Try her out without training wheels – my youngest son is not particularly sporty, coordinated or well-balanced, but he picked up his elder brother’s bike (that he’d outgrown) one day and just – started riding it! We couldn’t believe it!

      Depends on how resilient your child is of course – some children would lose their confidence if they fell over and never want to try again, so do be careful! But I think because it was his idea to just give it a go he just – did it. I would have probably said ‘no, you don’t do it, you need to try riding with stabilisers first’ (anxiety brain) so good job he just did it!

  52. tangerineRose*

    Recommendations for a deck stain sealer? I’m looking for one that works but has few to no nasty chemicals.

    I was going to go with Behr, but their stain sealer has warnings about cancer. Olympic has low VOC stain sealers but also has some pretty bad reviews.

    1. Enough*

      Checked Consumer Reports and it seems most problems are probably occurring because of the level of prep done and or putting on too thick a coat. Two thin are better than one thicker. As for cancer almost any chemical will have that warning. But to be a real issue usually requires exposure to large amounts over long periods that wouldn’t occur with the average homeowner.

        1. Ranon*

          There’s a difference between occupational exposure and one-off. You’re not using this 40 hours a week, every week.

  53. Courageous cat*

    Has anyone watched The Rain on Netflix? I’m halfway through the last season and would love to hear other people’s thoughts (with no season 3 spoilers) if anyone else has

    1. Bostonian*

      Do you like it so far? I’ve been thinking of watching it as a follow-up to having just finished Dark…

      1. Courageous cat*

        Honestly I really love it, and I’m very picky. There’s only 20 episodes and the way they handle their pandemic is very interesting to watch. I will say there is about one REALLY BAD DECISION per season that might annoy you but the rest of it has kept me extremely engaged.

        Dark is on my list next to watch!

  54. Morningstar*

    Moved from a dry climate to a humid one and need dehumidifier recommendations. Any suggestions for an 800 square foot apartment? The idea is to make doing housework and exercising indoors less unpleasant.

    1. Parenthetically*

      My parents have a Vremi (link in reply) and it makes an INCREDIBLE difference in the comfort of their house compared to ours. Their AC doesn’t have to work as hard to keep the house feeling cool and comfortable. It’s great.

    2. Natalie*

      We have a pretty basic GE model that works just fine. And our basement is super humid so it is running a ton. I think I read some Wirecutter recommendations as well but ended up not going with their pick as a lot of reviews mentioned reliability issues.

      One thing to think about is drainage. You can empty the reservoir but that might get old depending on how much humidity we’re talking about. Our basement doesn’t have a floor drain, so we bought a small pump to route the water into our laundry sink. You can get dehumidifiers with built in pumps but they’re oddly expensive you’re stuck repairing/replacing the whole thing if one part breaks.

      If you’re thinking about installing a window AC, you could look for one with a “dry” setting.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I am happy with my GE also. I bought it at a bargain type place and I was surprised to see it was about $300.

        You can hook a hose up or you can dump it by hand, this varies so look before you buy. I needed to dump mine by hand twice a day. It worked out because it’s next to the door where the dog goes out. I would dump it while waiting for the dog.

        My utility bill jumped by $50 per month. For me this was twice what I would expect to pay.

        My contractor friend said to make sure I turn it off when I open a window, because it will try to dehumidify all of the outdoors. So I shut it off when the windows are open. He also said to open a window when I cook- don’t make the dehumidifer deal with that extra steam from cooking.

        He said that the structure tends to dry out over time, the wood is less damp, the sheetrock and floors are less damp so I would have the opportunity to reduce how much I used it in a while. I found that to be true too. My cabinet doors warped. Once I stopped running the dehumidifer so much the doors went back to their normal state.

    4. Courageous cat*

      Do you have ac? Isn’t ac dehumidifying by nature? I can’t survive without it at this point

      1. Ranon*

        Depending on your house you may need dehumidification but not cooling- our place gets tons of shade so it doesn’t get hot but it does get moist, so a separate dehumidifier is a lot more useful for us.

        1. fposte*

          My version of that is yes, my AC definitely dehumidifies, but if I had to run the AC enough to dehumidify the basement I’d freeze in the rest of the house.

        2. Courageous cat*

          Ah, gotcha. As a southerner I unfortunately can’t relate, hahaha. *sweats furiously*

          1. Parenthetically*

            I live in Kentucky, and my parents live next door (in fact, we live in a complex that shares one central air conditioning system); they have a dehumidifier and we do not. Their house is SOOOO much more comfortable than ours and they can keep their AC set higher and still have it feel cooler. It’s an amazing difference!

            1. allathian*

              Maybe you should consider getting one, too? We have a portable AC unit upstairs and we can run it as just a dehumidifier if it’s not too hot but humid.

  55. Serious Pillowfight*

    tl;dr: Trying to help husband figure out mystery health issues, mainly chest pain. Sleep apnea diagnosis.

    I realize no one can make a diagnosis over the internet, but this group is smart and I’ll try almost anything to figure this out. Sorry, this is long.

    My husband, age 31, has had ongoing chest pain around the sternum for the past month, radiating out to either side. It gets worse when he bends or twists. It started while he was at work July 20 (he works at a pharmacy). Doc initially suspected acid reflux so wrote a prescription for that, but it didn’t help. Husband suspected liver issue, but torso x-ray was clear. COVID test was negative as well. Monday he’s seeing a gastroenterologist.

    He’s taking a leave of absence from work for the next month to heal whatever this is and seek a diagnosis without making it worse. It sucks, but I moved a little money around and we can get by with only my income for a few weeks. BUT…this can’t continue indefinitely. Doctor can’t find anything concrete so it’s not like husband can get disability at the moment.

    He’s also suffered from constant fatigue and low energy since he was about 18, he says. We wonder about chronic fatigue syndrome. Blood panel results came back last week. EVERYTHING was smack in the middle of normal.

    He did a sleep test a while back and was diagnosed with sleep apnea. He was able to rent/borrow a CPAP machine through insurance but unfortunately after a few weeks he had to stop using it due to discomfort. Last year he was tested for Lyme, West Nile. All negative. He’s had surgery for a slipped disc, which was successful at fixing a badly pinched nerve in his back and arm.

    Husband has been trying to get a diagnosis but often turns pessimistic whenever nothing is found. He’s usually in a pretty good mood despite all this, but he has made scary comments in the past to the effect of he “doesn’t know what he’ll do if he can’t find an answer” and said glumly the other day that “his health is getting worse year after year.” He pretty much feels crappy every day.

    Oh, and his parents smoked cigarettes around him his entire life until he moved in with me at age 23, so that’s great. And they still smoke inside, so visiting them sucks. (Not that we can at the moment.) They think if they stand 10 feet away from you, you’re immune to the secondhand smoke. Husband himself has never smoked.

    I can only imagine how frustrated he is. I just feel like….the doctors should be able to figure out what’s wrong eventually. How are all these scans and tests coming back totally normal?? Pain doesn’t just come from nowhere!

    Husband told me he’s scared about what’s happening to him. He says he has “known” something was wrong with him for many years but no one believed him. I’m torn because of course I want to be supportive and don’t want him to hurt himself, but he can’t NOT work forever. He’s not lazy — he cooks one or two meals a day from scratch, does grocery shopping, laundry, etc., and he’s one of the most valued employees on his team. But he seems to think if he feels this crappy he should be able to not work. I’m trying to impress upon him that’s not workable unless we win the lottery soon.

    Sorry this is all over the place. Wondering if anyone has any ideas.

    1. Might Be Spam*

      Since he has a specific date that it started, could it be a muscle problem? My first thought is muscle inflammation near the chest wall. Physical therapy is a non-invasive option to try.
      I have similar general health issues to your husband and almost had surgery scheduled before I convinced my doctor that my pain could be muscle related. (Ironically, he was the first doctor that I ever had who took my concerns seriously.) Physical therapy and medication helped me get past it. It may seem like a simple thing, but if you don’t treat it, sometimes just resting it is not enough and it won’t go away.
      Also, right now everybody is under stress and that can lead to physical symptoms or make existing ones harder to deal with.

      1. Serious Pillowfight*

        Could be! I wondered about costochondritis, but he insists it’s not that. There’s frustration on my part because he sometimes acts like he knows more than everyone else and no one without a medical degree could POSSIBLY have any valuable suggestions. But he also told me “If the doctor says it’s costochondritis, he’s wrong.” …OK.

        1. Observer*

          I’d trust him on this. Remember, he’s the one who knows his body the best. Also, he’s been feeling problems for a long time and having his concerns dismissed. And now it turns out that he’s right. So, yeah, don’t get too hung up on the fact that THIS particular symptom just showed up at a certain date.

    2. Enough*

      For sleep apnea he could try a dental appliance changes the alignment of his lower jaw. Check with your general dentist for recommendations for who to see. This can be expensive so check what insurance will cover it.

    3. university minion*

      Has he spoken with a mental health professional? You mentioned several doctor visits, but much of your accounting of his remarks sounds like there could be a strong mental health component, too.
      Good luck getting to the bottom of things.

      1. Serious Pillowfight*

        Good eye… he does have some mental health stuff. He was seeing a therapist but it tapered off with lockdown. He’s been doing pretty well, though. If he spirals I will definitely insist he see his therapist again.

      2. Not A Manager*

        The health stuff doesn’t have to even have a mental component in order for him to benefit from therapy. Having a mystery ailment that defies diagnosis is scary and exhausting, and he’s understandably worried that it might always defy diagnosis. He deserves some good mental health support just to help him navigate his medical situation and the healthcare system.

    4. Dr. Anonymous*

      An important question is if there’s a tender spot on his chest that corresponds with the pain. Then I’d look for a physiatrist who does triggger point injections in case there’s a costochondritis-like issue. There are multiple medications for vague chronic pain that may make his pain more tolerable even if you don’t find an answer. And a CPAP can be adjusted to a lower setting so he can get used to it slowly. He’s Likely always going to be tired with untreated sleep apnea.

      Sorry you’re going through this. Please ask his PCP to focus on managing the pain as well as diagnosis since diagnosis may take a while.

      1. Serious Pillowfight*

        Thanks, good point on the pain management. That’s important so he doesn’t have to suffer while we pursue a diagnosis.

    5. Aerin*

      I went through a chest pain thing a couple of years ago. Ended up being a lovely combination of costochondritis (the medical term for “I have a needy 14lb cat who likes to mush faces”), acid reflux, and benign heart palpitations. I got a clean bill of health on the heart, which really helped with the anxiety (because freaking out that something was wrong with my heart was just giving me more palpitations), and I take Aleve and omeprazole for the other two.

      I still deal with the fatigue thing, and it sucks, but my blood panels come back perfect every time. I keep telling myself it would be better if I would exercise more, but then finding the willpower to exercise is so tough. Honestly, the plague has thrown everything so out of whack that I’m just accepting this as part of life for now.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Would he consider a chiropractor to have his structure checked out?
      Is there any way he could have popped a rib out of place years ago?
      This almost sounds like it’s a muscle type of thing.
      Does he sit or stand straight or does he hunch?

    7. valentine*

      Step one is to get back on the CPAP and give it time. The choice of nasal pillow/nose-mouth mask, or full face mask will depend on whether he opens his mouth in his sleep. The pillow’s the least obtrusive, but if he opens his mouth, he’ll need something that covers it, so he isn’t defeating the purpose. He’ll want one, anyway, for when his nose is stuffed. Did they not have him try different masks during the study? If rainout’s an issue, he can use a rainout guard and a hose cover for the the heated tube. He has a diagnosis, so, without the CPAP, he’s risking his life and doesn’t know how continuing to do so is affecting the chest pain. With one exception. Untreated sleep apnea causes the heart to work more (and even more if weight is an issue), so it could very well be that his heart’s so overworked it’s crying out via the chest pain. Has he had both sitting and treadmill EKGs?

      I understand if he’s discouraged, but he seems worryingly unmotivated. I’d be worried he’s no intention of really tackling this or of returning to work because it’s all just too hard.

      Stop exposing yourselves to smoke. If you must see them in person, do so in a public nonsmoking place, somewhere they can’t take smoke breaks and assault you with the horrible stench. If you’re doing video chat, you can continue post-pandemic. Avoiding smoke can only be beneficial to hubs.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Fellow CPAP user. Yes, getting the right mask option is a game-changer, and long-term compliance will help his overall health enormously.

        Your husband sounds depressed, and that’s quite common with chronic health issues. Especially with untreated sleep apnea, it has a direct adverse effect on the brain, between the stress hormones, sleep deprivation, and oxygen deprivation.

        Please encourage him to talk to his doctor about the way he feels and the depressive thoughts he’s having.

        I don’t mean that the illness is “all in his head.” I mean feeling awful for years, and suffering from ongoing insults to your system from the apnea, would make anybody depressed. It’s possible that treating the depression directly could help him have the energy to keep following up other treatments, like exploring the right fit for his CPAP.

        1. No Name Yet*

          Yes to both valentine and Raging ADHD. CPAP can be truly tough to use and get used to, but untreated sleep apnea can be both exhausting and dangerous. There are multiple mask options, it’s worth trying them out. Also, if he went to a sleep clinic, they should have someone there who’s used to helping people brainstorm strategies for using it. I work at the VA, and PTSD can really make using CPAP more difficult – so most of the clinics are used to helping veterans who have both figure out strategies for how to use the machines!

        2. Ktelzbeth*

          I have sleep apnea, depression, and undiagnosed (undiagnosable?) fatigue even when my sleep apnea is appropriately treated. I cannot tell you how frustrating it is at times. Every few years, I get a burst of energy and try again for a diagnosis, but fail. I exercise, which doesn’t make much difference for my energy level but is good for me, and I work as a doctor. (Costochondritis was also the first thing I thought for your husband, but I see that he doesn’t think that that is it.)

          I don’t have a lot of actionable advice that hasn’t already been suggested (agree with Dr. Anonymous), but off all the sympathy.

      2. Dan*

        This seems like a reasonable place to pile on with the “use the CPAP” advice.

        The only “that said…” part that I’ll get out of the way quickly is that Sleep Apnea isn’t truly a binary diagnosis, it’s actually a continuum and your husband should have a score on file. If that score is under 10, the CPAP probably won’t make that much of a difference. (5 or below is considered normal enough where they will consider it “treated” once you’re on the machine.)

        Now that that’s out of the way… the higher your score gets, the worse it’s going to f up your life, and that’s not an overstatement. My score is a 26, which is considered moderate, and I really can’t go back to not using it. My dad has a friend who scored close to 60, and will pretty much die without his CPAP. What the score measures is the number of times in an hour your sleep gets interrupted. At 60, my dad’s friend’s sleep is getting interrupting like um every minute. I won’t go into the details on how my health was before/after, but it’s night and day and my score is half of my dad’s friend’s. In contrast, dad scores like a 6 or 7. He tried the CPAP and said it didn’t do much. I believe it. I’ll note, though, that it took me like 4 months to acclimate to the CPAP. This is *not* an overnight or even one month deal.

        There are different mask coverings. He needs to try them. I much prefer the nasal pillows, but even with that mask, I have to have the bands set “just right” or it gets really uncomfortable.

        You can do other things like buy a bed with an adjustable base. I bought one back in January and I love it. It helps to have a good mattress too. But this is not a complete replacement for the CPAP.

        My guess with the constant fatigue is that the sleep apnea isn’t minor.

        I’m speaking for experience here — if his energy levels have been like this since he was 18, this is no way to live. Mine were really only that low for a couple of years. The CPAP has done wonders. So your husband needs to do everything he can to deal with the sleep apnea. Work through the CPAP issues with everything he’s got. Get the energy levels back. EXERCISE REGULARLY. (The energy levels and the ability/willingness to exercise will go hand in hand.) Check your bedding, make sure you’ve got the right sleep environment.

        But really — deal with the sleep apnea. If he doesn’t, he’s looking at an early grave. He’s 31 and too young for that.

        1. RagingADHD*

          My score was a 53. My blood oxygen was dipping into the 70s. After one night with the CPAP, I would have strapped that thing to my head with sandpaper and barbed wire, if that’s all I had. It is my best friend.

          That said, I am glad to have a nice comfy mask!

    8. fposte*

      FWIW, pain often does come from nowhere, at least as far as scans are concerned; it’s a process, not simply an injury. The correlation between visible problems on a scan and pain is very loose indeed. Contemporary medicine is generally pretty good, assuming you have reasonable access to it, at ruling out things that are going to kill you fast. For stuff that just makes our life really uncomfortable it’s a much longer process and much more of a crapshoot.

      Especially given that he’s already had disc issues and back surgery, I think a referral to a really good PT with a place that also does bodywork would be worth a try. At this point thinking in terms of management, not just cure, is going to be helpful, and it’s quite possible that there’s a lot of compensating going on post surgery that he’d benefit from addressing. They also have their hands on a lot of people in a way doctors don’t usually, so often they’ll have useful possibilities to consider as a result of their work.

    9. MsChanandlerBong*

      Is this pain accompanied by any abdominal bloating or distention? I went to the ER several times last year for chest pain (I have a history of heart disease and heart attack, so it was warranted), and every time I went, they could find no acute problem that would be causing the pain. I later realized that the pain was not “chest pain.” It was pain at the very top of my abdomen; my belly was so distended that it was pushing upward, causing the discomfort to feel like it was in my chest. I am still trying to get a diagnosis, but now that I know it’s not my heart, I’ve saved a lot of money on ER copays in 2020. I think the GI may actually be the best person to help him at this point, provided all of his cardiac tests have been normal.

      And I completely understand his frustration at not being able to get a diagnosis. When you feel that unwell, you’re desperate for an answer. Even if it’s a scary answer, at least you know and can start making a plan for treating and managing it. In June, I had horrible shortness of breath. It started out with short bouts of “running out of air” (I could not talk or sing or do any physical activity because I would be breathless in seconds). Then I was so short of breath that I went to the ER. A blood test they use to determine if you might have a clot came back abnormal, and I was actually relieved for a few moments. Sure, a clot is not good, but they could come up with a plan to treat it. Then the VQ scan showed I did not have a clot, and I felt like someone had sucker punched me. No, I didn’t WANT a clot, but I wanted a firm answer and a reason why I felt so terrible. I never did find out why I was so short of breath and my O2 saturation was so low. It eventually went away on its own and hasn’t returned.

    10. Stephanie*

      It’s important to realize that pain can show up in a completely different, seemingly unrelated spot than the cause of the pain. I had hand and wrist pain, off and on, for years. It would flare up for a bit, I’d rest and reduce activity, it would improve. Then it would happen again. It finally got bad enough that I saw an orthopedic surgeon, got tested for carpal tunnel, and found out that it was actually all due to a pinched nerve in my neck. I got physical therapy for that and finally saw real improvement. Our bodies are made up of interconnected soft tissue and bones. Nerves act weird sometimes and will cause pain in a spot that is connected, but not obviously so. Your husband’s chest pain could be caused by something that is happening elsewhere.
      I also want to pile on a bit about the CPAP. My husband just got fitted a couple of months ago, and he clearly should have done it a long time ago. He still doesn’t exactly like it, and he’s still getting used to sleeping with it on, but he is definitely sleeping much better than he had been before (and so am I). I think it takes quite a bit of time to get used to the CPAP, but from a health perspective, it is worth sticking it out.
      Exercise is important, too. I know it’s hard to be motivated to exercise when you don’t feel well, but it’s all related: you feel like crap, so you don’t do anything active, and you don’t do anything active so you feel like crap. Even just a daily walk can really help with stiffness and it also helps with sleep quality.
      Good luck, and I hope he finds some answers soon.

    11. Anonbeth*

      For the fatigue–you mentioned blood panels. Did those include vitamin D and B12 tests? Deficiencies in those can cause long-term fatigue and depression symptoms (more serious consequences with a B12 deficiency), and some doctors are proactive about checking but some are not.

      1. blackcat*

        This. I had a rather severe episode of depression… that turned out to be a severe vitamin D deficiency. That was easily treatable, but I didn’t get checked for it until I injured myself running. Bless the orthopedist who figured out that “I picked up running to help with depression” + stress fracture could mean vitamin D deficiency.

        I will also say, as someone who is struggling with what my doctor has labeled “post-COVID syndrome,” it’s really, really hard to deal with unexplained medical things. It’s so frustrating to know your body isn’t working right but not have any tools to fix it.

        1. Anonbeth*

          Hey, hope you see this or that your doctor’s already brought it up. A lot of people in the chronic health community are saying post-covid symptoms could be Myalgic Encephalomyelitis aka chronic fatigue syndrome, which is one of those lovely ~mysterious conditions that historically hasn’t gotten a lot of research. Might be worth looking into and seeing if it sounds like what you’ve got. Good luck and I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. (And–smart ortho! Wow.)

    12. KoiFeeder*

      If it’s not costochondritis, could it be pleurisy?

      Yes, the inflammation markers came back normal, but mine have been known to do so when I’ve visibly got inflammation. It’s not common, but I don’t really trust inflammation tests anymore.

    13. life...happens*

      Not likely the problem but thought I would throw this out there as it might be contributing to issues.
      I had sudden onset pain just under the sternum which became severe in a matter of hours. A trip to the ER followed by surgery and I am now minus my gallbladder. Could it be possible he has gallstones?
      I hope he finds out why is causing his health issues. I would second the other suggestions made here (sleep apnea, PT, and speaking to a therapist).

  56. Might Be Spam*

    Pre-covid I volunteered at a library teaching computer literacy to adults. Now I’m leading an Skype online support group for adults, some of whom are struggling with Skype. There is no funding, so I don’t have a paid subscription for Zoom or similar service, and our meetings run for an hour, followed by up to 2 hours of chatting.

    Half of the group is fine and only has an occasional tech hiccup. The other half of the group keep disrupting the meeting by clicking on things they don’t understand, starting up screensharing, not muting their microphones when things get noisy, etc. This is frustrating the first half of the group because I have to use the meeting time to untangle things. Or I have to eject them from the meeting and tell them to log in again. Either way will be rude to someone.

    We usually work things out but it is very difficult doing it when I can’t see what they are doing. Especially since they could be using Apple, Android, or Windows, phone, tablet, or computer. Every platform is slightly different and I have to memorize all the differences and talk them through something I can’t see. And they often aren’t sure what platform they are even using.

    I have offered private time to try to talk things through over the phone before the meetings, which some of them have done. I have a couple of people willing to help with the tech before meetings, so I just need to decide what to do when the meeting gets disrupted.

    I used to be able to make housecalls, but I can’t think of a safe way to do that anymore. It takes ten times longer when I can’t see what they are doing.

    I enjoy the group, but I am getting burned out by these technical difficulties. I can only make half the group happy at a time. I can’t split the group because they all want to stay together. Either way, I must be doing a good job, because the group is slowly growing by word of mouth. I don’t know what to do if it gets any bigger and we can’t get the technology under control. We expect the group to continue to grow when winter and the major holiday season comes along.

    Is there anything easier than Skype and still free? Do I eject them from the meeting and tell them to log in again or take up meeting time to fix things? Some other option I am overlooking?

    1. it happens*

      If it’s a group where people already know each other, is there anyway for them to provide tech support/testing prior to a meeting? By this, I mean maybe they are more comfortable with each other than you (don’t want to put you out) and they can do the trouble-shooting amongst themselves, tech-literate to less-so? Do they have a way to communicate with each other (like emails or a message board) outside of the meetings to set this up?
      It’s great that you’re providing this outlet to people who need to keep contact with other humans, keep it up!

      1. Might be Spam*

        I have 2 group members willing to help with tech support prior to the meeting start time. We share phone numbers and emails with each other so they can reach out to each other.

    2. midnightcat*

      If this still for teaching computer literacy or something else? If the former; well, the purpose is to teach them computer literacy, and they are struggling with computer literacy.

      If the latter, I think maybe you need to put some ground rules /a group agreement in place, eg about muting and not clicking on things, and walk everyone through it at the start of every meeting.

      1. Might be Spam*

        It’s only for social & emotional support. We are definitely going to make some rules.

        1. midnightcat*

          Ah I see – sorry, I thought it was the same thing as before.

          Group rules, walk through at the start of every session – this is great to do anyway, and might help a bit here.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Ugh.

      You’ll have to draw some lines here some place.
      You could consider sending out some rules of courtesy. No clicking on things, mute if you have noise in your immediate area, no sudden screen sharing. You could say that you spend half the class fixing problems and this is not fair to the people who are ready to go ahead with the class. You can add that since it is possible this group will be getting larger in the near future you’d like to get everyone on the same page.

      Or you could pair them up, a savvy computer person with a struggling computer person and ask them to work together during non-class time.

      One thing I would definitely do is ask the library director how she wants you to handle this situation. It could be time for her to step in. You may be taking on way more than the library expected you to do in the first place. A check-in might be good for a number of reasons.
      The bottom line is that you are a volunteer. This means you can quit at any time. Let this empower you here. Think of it as, “What will it take to prevent me from quitting any time soon?”

      Last thought, have you sent them training links for Skype? If yes, tell them that they need to work with the training videos more rather than experimenting when you guys meet. If no, tell them that during meeting time is time for interaction and experimentation is not part of the meeting time. You get to define what meeting time looks like.

      1. Might be Spam*

        These are great ideas for when we get back to the computer classes. Right now it just for social support. I’m going to use your ideas in an email to share with the group and make sure new members get it.

    4. Might be Spam*

      Thanks for the comments. I’ve been worried about coming off as mean, but I realize that we really need some rules. I’m going to bring it up with the group this week. It looks like I’ll be getting some practice on setting appropriate boundaries.
      I’m still open to ideas on options that I may be missing.

      1. Might be Spam*

        The reason I mentioned the computer literacy is because that’s where people knew me from and knew that I am good at explaining technical things without embarrassing anyone.

      2. Ron McDon*

        The first time I used Teams I went on before the meeting to familiarise myself with what the different buttons did etc, but I found things looked different when I was in a meeting, and I was clicking on things to find out what they did whilst waiting for people to join!

        In hindsight, I should have watched a tutorial to familiarise myself with what button did what – I think it would be a good idea to put links in an email for tutorials on each different platform. People can then watch those at their own pace. Instituting a rule that no-one clicks on anything during the meeting is a good one too!

        1. Might be Spam*

          Links for different platforms is a great idea. I knew I was asking the right people. ;)

  57. nep*

    Paraphrasing Tom Rivett-Carnac (interviewed during this week’s TED Radio Hour): Stubborn optimism is not the result of success but rather the cause of it.
    It’s one of those things you know, but sometimes hearing it put a certain way stops you in your tracks. Heard this while driving today and it really hit me–how much of the time I’m drowning in the negative voice without even questioning it. Thank goodness for meditation; it’s helping a lot.
    Talk to me of shifts in mindset (particularly shutting down that voice) and how it’s helped any given situation.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I read a story about two sisters crossing a river on horse back. The younger sister was following the older sister. Older sister kept checking back to make sure younger sis was moving along.
      The water got deeper and faster, eventually younger sis stopped in the middle of the river.
      Older sis realized immediately what the problem was. The younger sis had become mesmerized by the movement of the water, so much so that she was even failing to guide her horse.
      The older sis said, “Look up. Look at the river bank over there. That’s where we are going. Look up.”
      Once the younger sis looked at her goal/her targeted destination, she was able to get herself and her horse over to safety.

      It so easy to become mesmerized by the chaos around us that we forget where we wanted to go. It’s easy to say that water is moving fast and it looks so scary, we can convince ourselves that we are powerless. But are we truly powerless?

      One thing I love about this story is that it drives home the point about how important it is to listen the advice of well-chosen people. Little sis did not have to listen to her big sis, but some how she kept enough of her wits about her to realize that her big sis was actually helping her. This one hit me between the eyes, I don’t always recognize help when I see it. Some times help seems like some huge negative thing, for example here, “My big sis is NOT going to tell ME what to do!!” Whoops, that would have been a bad call. Big sis’ advice was actually solid, actionable advice that worked.

      My mother used to annoyingly say that most of life is an illusion. I tend to agree. We form beliefs and we live by those beliefs, never checking to see if we are correct or not. I am NOT talking about religion when I say beliefs. I am talking about things such as “Through out my childhood I was told I am stupid. So it must be true. I must be stupid.” So we get caught in this illusion that we are stupid. Reality is we are not stupid but we never check to see what the truth is and we don’t believe other newcomers when they say they think we are bright or intelligent. Being willing to listen to others and accept the advice/inputs of well-chosen people can be life transforming or even life saving stuff. We don’t have to walk alone.

      1. nep*

        Oh, exactly.
        Don’t believe everything you think.
        Pivot. One of my favourite words. Dropping the narrative is a powerful way to pivot.
        Thanks for this, Not So NewReader.

    2. CJM*

      I like that stubborn optimism idea a lot! Thanks for sharing.

      I bought Dr. Andrea Bonior’s book Detox Your Thoughts for my daughter and signed up for Dr. Bonior’s free newsletters by that name through BuzzFeed. I haven’t read either yet, but I know from her Washington Post column and chat transcripts (now defunct…boo) that Dr. Bonior’s positivity and encouragement shine through in everything she writes. If you can access her Baggage Check columns and chat transcripts at WaPo, they’re a treasure.

      A wise friend shared a tip that’s helping me be more positive (a lifelong challenge). When someone says something that feels hurtful, my friend picks the most positive interpretation she can think of. She says we usually don’t have the full picture, so it’s best to assume no ill intent. That can help keep communication calm as you give the other person a chance to explain. You still have your feelings but put them on the back burner until you know more. It’s helping me keep my cool with my sister and elderly mom during crises with my mom’s health.

      1. nep*

        That’s great. Anything that helps us pause. It’s so helpful to keep in mind that there is space between an incident and our reaction. That space is a great place to live.

      2. Might be Spam*

        I just borrowed Detox Your Thoughts from the library. I’ve heard good things about it and I liked her Washington Post column. I didn’t realize she had a newsletter now.

        1. CJM*

          The newsletters came out before the book and seem to be an overview of the book’s material. I Googled yesterday, and it looks like BuzzFeed still offers sign-up. I like the idea of bite-sized pieces/emails to digest. I didn’t thoroughly read them, but I looked over a few. One day soon I’ll spend some serious time on them!

    3. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Wow this is fascinating. Firs t time I’ve heard the phrase and I think it helps so much. I’m surrounded by constant negativity–my husband is realistic/pessimistic while my mom is a whole other story where she never has a good thing to say. I try to remain positive and be optimistic. I realized my dad used to be like this. really helpful to know this.

      1. nep*

        What really grabbed me was being reminded of what should be obvious but often gets lost–that success does not beget optimism; it’s the other way around.

  58. Ali G*

    What’s cooking everyone?
    Tonight is wings in the oven with fries and a blue cheese ranch. Tomorrow night is taco skillet. That should give us some leftovers into the week.
    So there seems to be some other sous vide fans here today. I’d like to better use the sous vide for meal planning. Does anyone do that? Do you cook big batches and freeze/reheat? Can I take meat that I buy frozen, and put it in a foodsaver bag with sauce /seasonings whatever and then just cook from frozen? Show me your ways!

    1. Princess Deviant*

      I’m obsessed with Isa Chandra Moskowitz’s vegan bahn mi, I’ve been eating that a lot lately. Oh and her BBQ pantry sauce, which I make with tofu, onions, sweet corn, and fried potatoes. So delicious.
      That and Matt Pritchard Dirty Vegan’s power salad seem to be my staples lately.

      I don’t know who it was on here a few weeks ago who recommended Meera Sodha’s salted miso brownies but they are gorgeous too! Thank you for that!

    2. Parenthetically*

      We are meal planning today as usual, so it’s leftovers tonight — cumin lamb (a truly gorgeous flavor combo of cumin, whole dried chilis, and Szechuan pepper + ground lamb + veggies) with the most amazing dao xiao noodles that we found at our local Asian grocery. They’re chewy and stretchy like all great Chinese noodles, and have the most amazing ruffly edges that hold onto sauce like crazy.

      Also on the menu for this week: southeast-Asian-y pork lettuce wraps with rice noodles, an easy cauli/chickpea/spinach masala (with TJ’s masala simmer sauce), Italian sausage meatballs with red sauce and pasta, and my grandma’s tamale pie (ground beef cooked with tomatoes/spices/garlic/onion/black beans/corn/jalapeno, topped with cornbread batter and cheese and baked — sooooo good).

    3. CTT*

      I’m doing my semi-usual Saturday night takeout from a local Italian place (I haven’t gotten it EVERY Saturday night of quarantine, but probably 60% of them) – spinach and bolegnese lasagna with a salad, and enough leftovers for tomorrow! But I also did my grocery list for this week and my plan is to make chicken tikka masala for lunch and pizzas for dinner this week.

      Taco skillet sounds soooooooo good.

    4. Might be Spam*

      I’m merging my leftovers. I’m turning my leftover Chinese beef with broccoli into a Chinese/Mexican Fajita because I don’t feel like making rice.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Sous vide prepping: I buy my pork chops (and generally most of my meat) at Costco, so I’d be splitting up the package anyway (they tend to have 9-10 in a pack ad my household is three). So we pack them into the food saver bags with three to a pack, throw in some seasonings (I do mostly just salt and pepper or a garlic blend, but my husband sometimes gets fancy with his own combos), seal them up and freeze them. Then, yep, on pork chop night, they just go straight from the freezer into the Anova. Other meat, pretty much the same thing.

      This week’s menu:
      Monday, tacos.
      Tuesday, sheet-pan roasted sausage and root veg (I have regular potatoes and sweet potatoes. I wanted butternut squash too, but the store was out of the pre-chopped stuff and I did not feel the urge to wrestle with the whole squash myself. This is usually a fall thing, but I had a craving :) )
      Wednesday: boneless country ribs in the crockpot (which basically ends up as bbq pulled pork, and if there’s any leftovers I’ll probably make a batch of pulled pork mac and cheese for my freezer)
      Thursday: a new recipe from Serious Eats, their halal cart chicken and rice with white sauce.

    6. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I made gazpacho yesterday so had it for lunch today and will finish it tomorrow. Dinner is oven baked chicken tenders, potato salad, and cucumber onion salad. Later this week will be a potato chip tortilla with aioli. I have a lot of things in my freezer to eat, so I’m doing more reheating than actual cooking.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I must inquire: What exactly is a potato chip tortilla, with or without aioli?

    7. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I’m trying to clean out my pantry & freezer, so it’ll be hamburger helper, knorr rice/pasta sides, pasta, zucchini noodles and whatever protein I can find. I miss the days of meal planning

  59. Tired of Flat Hair*

    Recommendations for a curling iron?

    I have chin to shoulder length hair. Lots of it but very, very fine.

    I have no idea what I’m doing, so I would like to not spend TOO much money on something that is beyond my skill level but also I know that sometimes spending a bit more money will give a quality product that’s actually easier to use.

    1. Dancing Otter*

      Have you tried a blow dryer shaped as a round brush? (There’s probably a name for it, but ???? The hot air comes out the shank of the brush.) I find it a lot easier. My hair doesn’t get quite as much curl, but it’s almost impossible to burn myself. Also, it’s one step, not dry then curl.

      2. Ron McDon*

        In the UK this is called a hot brush.

        I have various tongs, hot brushes, straighteners and other contraptions I’ve bought over the years. Eventually I realised the problem wasn’t the gadget but me! I am fundamentally uncoordinated and find doing anything to my hair so difficult – unless I’m not going anywhere and just testing something out at home, in which case it goes brilliantly, looks fabulous, and is never replicable!

        Nowadays there are lots of YouTube tutorials; I recommend you find someone who has hair like yours and see what they use – I find the method of using rounded straighteners to curl hair much easier than using tongs/hot brush, but YMMV.

        Good luck!

    2. JKP*

      Do you want curly hair or straightened hair? I also have a lot of really very fine hair, also about shoulder length. I prefer it curly rather than straightened, and I’ve tried a lot of curling irons over the years.

      This is my favorite:
      https://amazon.com/gp/product/B000R830IE/&tag=askaman08-20

      It heats up really fast, and has a lot of heat settings. I only use it on the 2nd lowest setting. But what really makes the curl hold is that the bristles of the brush heat up too, not just the barrel. You have to be careful not to touch the red bristles that are hot.

    3. Scout*

      Hot tools 1 inch curling iron! I have fine hair and it will hold a curl for 2 days with this iron. Got mine at Ulta

      1. Tired of Flat Hair*

        Thanks everyone! I will check those out.

        I didn’t even know there were round brush hair dryers. While that’s different than what I was thinking, I think I’ll try that as well for when I’m not wanting curly hair but just want volume.

  60. Anonosaurus*

    Recognizing people. Anyone else bad at it?

    I have read about prosopagnosia and I don’t think I have it, or at least not to s significant degree. But many many times I will encounter someone in the world, and be *genuinely* unable to decide whether they are Person X who I know, or Random Stranger who resembles Person X. This only happens out of context (eg seeing co-worker at the store) and it tends to involve people who are in my mind already (because Person X is sorta cute, or even I’m sore with Person X about something). I’m caught between not wanting to stare at a possible stranger and not wanting to fail to greet an acquaintance.

    It’s not a big deal. I figure if and when it actually is Person X, she will say hi. If that happens, I immediately realize who it is and we will normally at least greet each other.

    I happen to have had a few unresolved encounters recently (I mean that I’m still unsure if I blanked an acquaintance or stared at a stranger) so just curious if others experience this.

    1. it happens*

      I am legitimately terrible at it. I lived with someone for many years and was taken aback to be kinda/pretty sure (But not 100%) he was at a restaurant a block from our house a year later. So not sure that I had to ask my friends to wait while I walked outside the place to do a quick check. The man did not acknowledge me, so I don’t think it was the guy I lived with, but I still really don’t know. I would also walk through the lobby of my office building and walk right by people I had meetings with and not acknowledge them. I would blame it on not wearing my glasses (which as not a lie.) The same for people in my small apartment building, see people going in and out, and without their kids or dogs I’m not sure if they live here or are visitors. It is disconcerting to say the least.

    2. Llama face!*

      I do have prosopagnosia (at least according to a study I participated in) and what you describe is very similar to my experience. It is a spectrum; not everyone is at the extreme where they don’t recognize their own family.
      So, yep, I regularly run into situations where I see someone and have to do the “Are they someone I know? Or do they look like someone I know? Or look like a celebrity so they seem familiar? Or are a celebrity…ditto?” thing and often I’m not ever sure if my guess was right. It is super awkward at times.

    3. Erika22*

      My husband has trouble recognizing people sometimes – enough that he thinks he may have mild prosopagnosia. (We’ve seen Hamilton live and watched the film, and it’s only after I said something casual about Peggy/Maria did he realize they were the same actress, as well as most of the other double cast roles. His mind was truly blown!) It’s happened to him in real life too but never caused an actual issue, just some uncertainty or surprise.

    4. Goose*

      Yep. I haven’t been formally diagnosed with prosopagnosia, but the few tests I’ve taken online (and agreement from family and friends) basically confirms it. My mother once lost a dramatic amount of weight in her face and I did not recognize her when she came over to me. Very disconcerting for the both of us.

      Question for the others chiming in: Do you also have trouble recalling what people look like in your mind? For example, I can recall a photo of my father, but I can’t tell you what he looks like right now based on when we last video chatted. I find it so much easier to remember what people look like if I have had time to study a photo reference.

    5. Colette*

      I’m terrible at recognizing people I know from one context in a different one. (Same with movies/TV – I can see an actor I’ve seen in other shows and not realize it.) But there’s a second category of people, the ones I know well, and those I will always recognize, even if it’s been years.

    6. Asenath*

      I have always been poor at recognizing faces and, even if a face looks familiar, attaching the correct name. And it’s worse when I see someone out of context, such when someone I used to know at work greeted me in a shopping area, casually dressed, wearing sunglasses, and pushing a stroller with her children. In my case, I don’t think it’s bad enough to be a clinical issue (eg prosopagnosia), but I’m definitely below average in my people-recognizing skills. I have had conversations with people and never figured out who they were. But most of the time I just smile politely at anyone who appears to know me, and if I can’t remember them I might exchange the usual pleasantries without ever admitting that I don’t know who they are. Actors almost invariably baffle me – if someone asks what I thought of Famous Actor in something I saw, I’m very likely have been unable to identify him or her. I tell myself that’s because actors are always changing their appearance and even behaving like different people! I can’t say it’s a big problem for me, though. I recognize people I know well, and when I don’t, I smile and fake it.

    7. RagingADHD*

      Yes, I’m mildly face-blind with people I don’t know well, especially out of context. I’m also forgetful about names and a lot of other things.

      If I suspect that I might recognize someone, I err on the side of waving at strangers. Having to say, “sorry, I mistook you for someone else” is slightly awkward, but “sorry, I didn’t recognize you” can feel like a snub, even if it’s unintentional.

      Besides, there are enough times when I don’t suspect and just overlook someone entirely – I figure I should at least try to catch some of them if I can.

    8. Millicent*

      One time I asked someone I’d meet that day how they knew another guy who had come over to him. (It was an activity meetup.) He looked at me oddly and then said, “That’s my identical twin.”

      So yeah, although I don’t have prosopagnosia as far as I know and don’t have trouble recognizing my family, I do have trouble with actors in movies (I’m the annoying person whispering, “Is this the same guy as the one in the last scene or a new character?”) and with friends, work colleagues, etc, particularly if they are out of context. I thought it was just me!

    9. Aerin*

      I’m actually a very visual thinker, so I think my recognition issues are related to ADHD memory issues. If it’s someone I haven’t seen many times and we’re in a different context (especially if there’s a bunch of other stuff going on), I just don’t make the connection.

      I also blame The Mouse. I was directly interacting with hundreds of people per hour (seriously, I’ve done the math) and with the turnover and whimsical scheduling, my coworkers changed a lot day-t0-day. At a certain point, your brain just… stops trying. So it’s like I have to reach a certain familiarity threshold to convince it that yes, we should hang onto this one.

      I’ve actually pulled the “I’m pretty sure I know you but I’m really bad with faces” a couple of times, when I really wanted to talk to them but second-guessed if they were who I thought. So far it’s worked out all right.

    10. allathian*

      I often recognize people in a vague way, but I’m unsure when or where I met them last. I have a hard time recognizing people in unfamiliar settings, I’m sure I’ve walked past coworkers at the mall without recognizing or acknowledging them. I’m also hopeless with names and putting a name to a face. Just one more reason why I decided that I didn’t want a career in sales or marketing after all, even though marketing was my major at college. I loved it in theory but I just sucked at it in practice, as I learned during my first internship… As you can imagine, I’m also pretty bad at networking.

    11. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’m about where you are. I once almost ran into my grand-boss with my shopping cart at Target (she came around a blind corner too fast, I stopped just in time) and waved a quick sorry, and as I was getting ready to walk on thinking “Wow, that looks an awful lot like — “ and then she greeted me, and I was like “WELL CRAP.” (Then on Monday at work – we’re medical coders – I sent her a joke about narrowly avoiding a [code for injury due to shopping cart collision, yes there is one of those].)

      I mostly chalk it up to my aphantasia – I can’t visualize anything, which makes remembering what things look like REALLY hard. (I do okay if my husband asks me where something is in a cupboard, because of the physical muscle memory of reaching for it, but in working through that physical memory, I also close my eyes to block out any visual input, which makes people think that I’m visualizing the cupboard, haha.) But if I, say, get home from the grocery store and I’m telling my husband about the terrible cashier, I’ll remember things like “she scanned everything three times” and “she had to call over a manager to identify a potato” and “she had a really squeaky voice,” but I won’t remember whether she was old or young, blonde or brunette, and I *might* get that her name had a Y in it, but I couldn’t tell you what her actual name tag said for love nor money.

    12. Sleepless*

      I definitely have it, to about the same degree you do. It’s definitely one of many things that has contributed to my social anxiety. I have undoubtedly made people think I was unfriendly when I saw them but didn’t speak to them. I have made untold gaffes by starting to talk to the wrong person. I once stared at someone for a second too long at the store because I thought I knew them…it was a celebrity who lives near me…sigh.

      Hidden Brain did a podcast about facial recognition a couple of years ago. It’s a subject that always fascinates me.

      1. Anonosaurus*

        Thanks for highlighting the podcast – I think I will try to find that and check it out.

      2. Aerin*

        I have no problems recognizing celebrities from pictures and film, and even in person at red carpets, but I am so bad at recognizing them in the wild. And I lived in SoCal and worked at Disney, so I saw lots of them. I just usually didn’t know I had done until someone else pointed them out.

    13. KoiFeeder*

      I am seriously face-blind, but I have this issue because I associate a few non-facial features with someone (say dark skin and blue hair) and then I either have to try and determine whether every person I see with dark skin and blue hair is that person or wait until someone approaches me to try and identify if I know that person.

      I’ve been considering getting one of those vests like they put on anxious dogs, but instead of “reactive” it would just say “faceblind.”

    14. Anonosaurus*

      Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences. I was really interested and reassured to hear about them. It has also made me think. In particular, I know that I don’t have any issues recognising actors or other famous people; my problem really boils down to having difficulty knowing whether I have seen someone I know in real life, or just someone who looks like them. As this only happens with people who have some kind of emotional resonance for me, I am tempted to suspect that the roots of it are less to do with my facial recognition software (hello fusiform gyrus!!) and have a more murky psychological origin to do with social anxiety. saying that, I think some studies on prosopagnosia have found that super famous people, like Presidents, don’t count as the brain kinda ‘over learns’ what they look like from constant repetition. I also suspect I have undiagnosed adult ADHD so that may be a factor.

      Whatever the reason for all this, knowing that other people have similar experiences is really affirming, although I sympathize with everyone else who gets wrongfooted in the grocery store :)

      Thank you all, and have a wonderful week.

  61. Amber Rose*

    My stomach hurts. I think I can’t eat fiber. As soon as I have fruits or veggies, everything goes horribly wrong inside me. My doctor just shrugged and said some people are like that, but I’ve only been like that since last year so I don’t really agree but what can you do.

    Anyways. Can one eat healthy enough with a near zero volume of fruits and vegetables? I currently eat a lot of dairy, meat, potatoes and sourdough bread.

    I’ve lost an unbelievable amount of weight which is nice but I don’t want to have problems from deficiencies later on.

    1. Alex*

      Did your doc check out anything before shrugging? Like, consider IBS or other problems like that? If not, I’d try to get a second opinion. Stomach problems like that could be a symptom of an underlying condition. Not eating any fruits and vegetables for the rest of your life doesn’t really seem like a good or realistic plan to me. Of course, I’m not a doctor, so really just my advice is to get a second opinion.

      1. Amber Rose*

        I tried an elimination diet to see if it was IBS but all it turned out was misery as soon as I brought in a fruit or veggie.

        I don’t really have the symptoms of IBS either. Aside from the pain, everything is different.

      2. Reba*

        Look up SIBO and see if it describes what you are experiencing.

        Amber Rose, hope you can figure out some changes that bring relief.

    2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      A juicer is the first thing that comes to mind. Or buy bottles of V8 and OJ. That way you get your fruits and veggies without the fiber.

      I’d probably start with a lot of V8, to see if that agrees with you. Possibly also a week of bran muffins and whole wheat bread, to see if fiber that is not in fruits and veggies is ok. Cause then it wouldn’t be the fiber, it’d be something else in them.

      1. Amber Rose*

        But… my diet. I’ve come so far, I still have so far to go, and V8 is so impossible to fit in. :(

        1. Laura H.*

          Not a doc and none of my business…

          You can re-lose or maintain your weight, you cannot undo effects of nutritional deficiencies if they get beyond a certain point.

          You should get a second opinion. I understand food and diet things are rightly touchy but sounds to me like something is seriously wrong.

    3. Kathenus*

      Try Bean-o before veggies – it really helps some people with this. I eat a ton of raw veggies, they’re a favored snack. My system goes in and out of them making me feel bloated and gassy and uncomfortable. When I’m like that the Bean-o helps.

    4. Goose*

      How are you with cooked fruits and veggies? Are you working with a registered dietician or having your diet overseen by a doctor? I worry about scurvy and other vitamin deficiencies.

    5. Dancing Otter*

      Short answer, NO. Not even with multivitamins.
      See another doctor.
      Have you have a colonoscopy recently? (No idea your age) Or at least one of the less invasive alternatives?
      Sudden changes in digestion should always, always be investigated. Unintentional weight loss, even if welcome, should always be investigated. (A diet of dairy, meat, potatoes and bread can still be high calorie. That doesn’t explain the weight loss.)
      Maybe you’ve developed a new allergy to certain types of fruit and veggies, and allergy tests can identify them so you can eat the others. Maybe you have IBS, or diverticulosis, or something serious.
      Get to a decent doctor ASAP.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Hard agree. This could be a bacteria or something similar. Do get to another doc, as soon as you can. Going without fruits and veggies is not a long term plan, at all. I also agree with the allergy suggestion and more confusingly it could be certain combinations of foods. Keep going, there is someone out there who will help you.

      2. Quandong*

        A second opinion and more thorough investigation is very important. The current doctor’s attitude shows they don’t care to find the source of pain, or prevent long-term consequences of avoiding fruit and vegetables.

        If a doctor is unresponsive like this, don’t stick around and waste your effort trying to get through to them, Amber Rose! Keep advocating for yourself and find a doctor who both takes you seriously and will refer you to other professionals if they can’t work out what is going on. You deserve better treatment and care than what you’re getting from your current doctor.

      3. KoiFeeder*

        Seconding this for sure. I offered advice below, but I have these symptoms because I have severe intestinal damage. Fire your doctor at ONCE and get a different one. Not being able to digest fiber means that your intestines aren’t functioning at full capacity, and that is bad.

    6. Dr. Anonymous*

      Second opinion, definitely, consider a gastroenterologist, maybe one who has a particular interest in bloating if that’s the symptom you get, or in small intestinal bacterial overgrowth, though that may not be at all what you have.

    7. Asenath*

      I’m no expert, but I don’t think its a good idea to completely eliminate two such major groups as fruits and vegetables from your diet. And if this has only been happening for a year, that’s a change from normal. Maybe you should ask for a second opinion.

    8. What the What*

      Potatoes and bread have fiber. Is it just raw vegetables and fruit? What about cooked? I mean… if you are eating potatoes, you are actually eating a vegetable. So one would assume that you could easily introduce other cooked root vegetables to your diet.

      Why is it hard to fit V8 into your diet? That seems like an odd statement. It’s a drink with very few calories.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        Sourdough is white flour, right? I can eat potatoes, white pasta, white rice, and white bread with my intestinal damage, but if I try things with whole grain it gets bad.

    9. Chaordic One*

      You can try a fiber supplement to see if that helps or if it has the same effect as eating vegetables. There are fiber supplements out there, but most of them contain psyllium which usually leads to lots of gas. “Citrucel” brand fiber supplement does NOT contain psyllium and does not give most people gas. I recommend it.

      As others have suggested, you might also want to try a probiotic supplement, such as “Florajen Digestion.”

      Finally, you should consider undergoing allergy testing, to see if you have actual food allergies. When I was diagnosed with food allergies, it was by an ENT.

    10. KoiFeeder*

      Multivitamins! Multivitamins are your friend. I eat white grains, potatoes, meat, and dairy because my intestines are severely damaged, and the multivitamins keep me reasonably stable. I try to get the extra-vitamin milk and enriched grains, and I still drink my orange juice, too.

      Have you tried cooked fruits and veggies? I’ve had that recommended to me, but it’s not feasible with my situation.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        Also, as said above: see a doctor. Run, do not walk, away from your current doctor and see another doctor. I am not kidding about my severe intestinal damage. I could have died. Your intestines are not functioning at full capacity, and hopefully that’s not a big deal, but you really really do not want to be wrong about that.

    11. Observer*

      Please find a new doctor. Your current guy is an incompetent idiot, or he’s just not interested in caring for you.

      It’s extremely difficult to get adequate nutrition this way. And while it is true that some people really just can’t digest a lot of foods, that is NOT common enough that it makes sense to just brush it off. Especially when it’s a significant change. Not even doing basic diagnostics is simply medical malpractice.

    12. Anonosaurus*

      I’m going to add my voice to those who have said – see another doctor (assuming your insurer can accommodate this). I am not a MD but unexplained weight loss and severe, persistent digestive symptoms with sudden onset require further investigation, not a shrug and hey well better get some Imodium.

  62. Erika22*

    When you travel with your partner/SO, do you do everything together? Or do you take a little time for yourself to do something solo? I love traveling with my husband but sometimes I just want to take a few hours to explore independently, or enjoy a cafe alone, or whatever, and for some reason it feels weirder to ask for that time when traveling with him than it is when I travel with friends. (Not saying I haven’t done this with my husband on trips! Just that it feels different.) And of course, this isn’t super applicable atm – but fantasizing about roaming old city streets had got me thinking! I’m curious how you all travel with your partners?

    1. All the cats 4 me*

      Definitely! I love museums and spouse likes them somewhat, but not as much as me, so he will do something like Ripley’s while I goggle at the jewels and costumes at the V&A.

      Best piece of travel advice I have ever received was to plan time apart, as it gives you conversation when you meet up for dinner – for us, this is especially important when we are travelling in a country where we don’t speak the language, so we only ever converse with each other or the odd person who gloms on to my spouse (I swear he has a friend within an hour of arriving anywhere!).

    2. Dr. Anonymous*

      We absolutely split up just about every day. Morning person and night owl and jet lag magnifies this, so we’re miserable if we try to stay in sync. I get up in the morning and do my thing, we meet for lunch or tea, and do an evening thing together, and then he stays up. It’s great if we travel with his parents, because I can have breakfast with SO’s father, Mr. Energizer Bunny, and then his mom and I can go to bed at a decent hour while my SO can stay up late and plays gin rummy with him.

    3. Nicki Name*

      It depends. Mr. Name and I tend to have different wake/sleep cycles, so if we go somewhere that we’re interested in different things, then we might hardly see each other while we’re there. But if we’re going to the same places around town then we try to sync up as best we can.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      We stick together for a couple days, though one of us may pack it in early and go back to the hotel (usually but not always him), but after about day 3, we’re more likely to split up – I have a lot more vacation stamina than he does, and if he tries to tough it out and keep up with me, he gets sore and frustrated and grumbles and I get annoyed with the grumbling, and that’s no fun for either of us.

    5. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Depends, sorry to say! I’m an early riser so sometimes I take a walk or get a coffee before my partner is up, but we generally do stuff together. However, he often encourages me to get a massage or something so he can Pokémon a bit– or I insist on an afternoon nap while he goes out.

      That’s when we go somewhere to be tourists. Other vacations, like getting a beach house, it’s totally different. I take a ton of walks without him.

    6. Aerin*

      For the most part we do everything together, but our interests and priorities are very similar so it’s rare that one person would really want to do something that would be a no for the other. I like the idea of exploring on my own, but not enough to ask to split up. I think it might be different if we were spending longer in a given city–the most we’ve ever done is 2-3 days, so there’s not a lot of time to just wander.

      The exception is when we’re traveling to a convention. Then we don’t bother trying to coordinate our schedules, though we’ll check in to see when the other might have a break or to let them know when we’re going offsite.

    7. D3*

      Yep. He likes to hike, I don’t. So I will drop him off at a trailhead and pick him up again a few hours later. And go do something *I* like. Try a new food, go to a book store, or (shhhhhh) nap back at the hotel.

    8. allathian*

      My husband is a long-distance runner and has lots of stamina, while I don’t. Our son is very resilient as well, at least as long as he gets a say in our activities at least sometimes. So when we travel, we’ll do things until I run out of steam, then I’ll head back to the hotel to rest for a bit while he does something with our son. After my siesta we’ll meet up again and do something in the afternoon and evening. Heat makes me sleepy, so when I’m in a hot country I’ll happily take a siesta in a hotel room with AC. We’re both early risers and usually go to bed fairly early too. Sometimes that’s a problem if the hotel doesn’t start serving breakfast until 8 am. I’d be first in line at 6 if it’s available. Morning walks are great when it’s not so hot yet.

    9. Anonosaurus*

      Whoever I’m traveling with, I need a bit of time on my own. Not for any specific reason. I just need it – I think it is something to do with wanting to experience something without immediately having to react to it or discuss it with someone, whether the something is a beach or a museum. I solo travel a lot, but also I don’t think there is anything weird about wanting to do this when you are with a family member or spouse. I think that culturally we can feel like we are weird if we don’t want to do every single thing in every single day with your spouse, but I suspect a lot of us want a little solo time than that.

  63. midnightcat*

    Just a quick thanks to Alaska_Blue and others who discussed CT scans with me last week. I had mine yesterday – you were not kidding about the contrast making you feel like you’ve had an accident.

    So now it’s just the scanxiety of waiting for the results. There have been some headlines recently about NHS backlogs for urgent tests but I’ve had mine super quickly which has been both reassuring and a bit alarming.

    1. Alaska_Blue*

      Wishing nothing but the best for you! Not enthused that I could share my expertise….but in ways proud I could share what I had experienced and that it might help someone new to these things. My continual hope for you is that “they” give you an answer/diagnoses, midnightcat.

  64. Petty Betty*

    Short version: Am I being unreasonable to want to leave my porch light on?

    Long version with context:
    I’ve lived in a mobile home community for the last several years.It’s a quiet neighborhood and I live at a dead end with no one next door until the last couple weeks. A lady and her adult daughter moved in. I have my 3 young children.

    Last year I had 3 break in attempts into my home, the last where I chased the man out of my home. The last time he came in the backdoor on one of the few times I ever left my back porch light off. I have made sure to keep it on since. The two prior attempts were at windows where the porch light was off or did not light well. All of this was extremely traumatic for me as it was just me and my children and was pregnant during all of this. Luckily, nothing has happened in almost a year but I still am fearful at times as the person responsible is connected to the neighbors across the street.

    The new neighbor asked me to turn it off as it was bright in her and her daughter’s bedroom. I sympathized with her and explained why it was on and the break in history. She stated she would buy me a motion sensor and politely declined as I want to be reassured my children and I are safe. She reiterated how bright it is and so forth. I apologized and said i understood as I bought black out curtains for my kids room as the street light shines straight in the room. The conversation ended on a weird stalemate. My kids were yelling from the front door to help them so I said goodbye. For context, the porch light is just a single lightbulb in the outdoor lamp thing.

    Am I being unreasonable to want to leave my porch light on?

    1. LNLN*

      I do not think you are being unreasonable. Your neighbor was within her rights to ask you to turn off the light or to use a motion detector and you are within your rights to decline. It is unfortunate that this is a problem but you certainly should do what you can to keep your home and family safe. Good luck!

      1. RagingADHD*

        This.

        It’s one of those situations where two people both have good reasons to want opposite things. Nobody is wrong.

        You have to make your safety your first priority. She can be responsible for her kid’s light issue.

        I hope you both are able to have a neighborly relationship going forward. And I hope you’re soon able to move away from that scary situation.

    2. Asenath*

      I’ve never heard of anyone being expected to turn off an ordinary porch light. Now, if someone had installed one of those super bright lights they have in sports fields to allow night games, I could see it.

    3. Ranon*

      I hate light pollution so I’m very sympathetic to your neighbor but I also get your security concerns. Would changing the fixture be an option? If you choose one that meets “Dark Sky” requirements that would likely substantially reduce the light going in her window (which isn’t helping your security) while still putting light around your place where you need it. If she was willing to pay for a motion detector she might be willing to pay for/ share costs on a fixture, some options are pretty inexpensive.

    4. BRR*

      Neither of you are being unreasonable. Could you offer to buy blackout drapes or is there some type of outdoor decoration that would help block the light like some type of trellis?

      1. eeniemeenie*

        That would be a kind and generous offer, but it’s certainly not OP’s responsibility to buy blackout drapes or anything else for the neighbour.

    5. Petty Betty*

      I failed to mention when I stated my kids use blackout curtains she said that she had not bought curtains for the room, mostly because they were expensive. So I was kind of like, what? You want to me to have my light off or you will buy a motion sensor light but you don’t want to put up curtains cause they are too expensive?? Normally I’m pretty understanding about turning out lights, but it’s just a regular light, nothing super bright.

      1. Pennyworth*

        If she can’t afford curtains of any kind it sounds like she might be on the edge financially. Even standard curtains will block quite a lot of light. I think you should accept her offer to pay for a motion sensor, because I think they provide better security (the unexpected sudden illumination) than a constant light (which is known and can be worked around).

            1. HBJ*

              Yup, I bought blackout curtains for like $15 at Walmart. Or there’s the option used by people in northern climes for decades – aluminum foil over the windows.

      2. valentine*

        she said that she had not bought curtains for the room
        I knew this was coming! She is unreasonable. Especially because of this and your neighbors who have a criminal visitor, don’t accept anything from her. You don’t want to end up in a dispute over money.

        She has the (far!) easier fix here. Instead of trying literally any cover (any fabric whatsoever, boxes), she assigned her problem to you. (My crime TV show POV is suspicious she’s working with the housebreaker!) You are in a vulnerable position, with three minors, and have something that appears to decrease assaults on your property. That little light of thine? Let it shine.

        1. Slinky*

          My crime TV show POV is suspicious she’s working with the housebreaker!

          This is… way overstated. I agree that the neighbor should buy curtains, but OP already has a lot of legitimate fears without adding needless speculation to them.

      3. Parenthetically*

        Yeah, this pushes her into unreasonable. Her kid’s room doesn’t have curtains and she’s expecting YOU to solve the problem. No thanks, lady. “Expensive?” I special-ordered a CUSTOM roll-down blackout shade for my son’s room and it set me back an entire $40. A pair of 100% blackout curtains is less than $20 at Walmart.

        If she brings it up again, I’d say, “Oh hey, yeah thanks for reminding me, I meant to tell you I found some blackout curtains at Walmart dot com and turns out they’re actually about the same price as a motion detector light!”

    6. eeniemeenie*

      I sympathise with both of you. My husband has anxiety related insomnia and he finds even the tiniest bit of light very disruptive to his sleep. He stuffs towels to block the gap underneath the door if another light is on, even if on the other side of the hallway. He struggles severely with sleep if we go to a hotel where a dim street light shines through a crack in between curtains. It’s not a matter of reduced sleep; he would literally stay awake the whole night tossing and turning. If your neighbour’s daughter is similarly sensitive to light at bedtime, your porch light would not just be annoying – it would interfere severely with quality of life and her health.

      Having said that, if you were my neighbour I would accept I have no control over your porch light and try to find ways to make changes within my own home. If blackout curtains are out of budget, I’d even look into makeshift blackout options like putting up cardboard or thick black paper.

      By the way, is it possible to look into a dimmer bulb for your porch? Even if this doesn’t resolve the problem perfectly, the gesture itself might go some way in showing your neighbour you’re trying to accommodate her within reason. Chronic sleep deprivation is pure hell. While your neighbour has tried to find a compromise by buying you a motion sensor, I wouldn’t be surprised if the frustration eventually escalates into something unpleasant. It’s in your own best interests to keep good neighbourly relations.

    7. Washi*

      You are not being unreasonable. Maybe a motion sensor would solve the problem, or maybe the neighbor would then be complaining that the light turned on and off every time a bat or squirrel moved across your yard. Her money is much better spent on some curtains (personally I can’t imagine not having curtains in a bedroom for some privacy at night!) than on adjusting your porch light.

    8. lazy intellectual*

      Neighbor is being unreasonable and kind of combative. I also have issues sleeping with light, but that’s what blackout curtains (already addressed on this thread) and eye masks are for. I live in a city area so light pollution is a given.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        I also second the suggestion upthread to not let your neighbor buy you a motion sensor or anything. It seems like they would use the gift as some sort binding agreement. (Like “I bought this for you in exchange for your agreement to keep the lights off.”)

    9. Sleepless*

      Not at all! My neighbor and I had a minor version of the same issue. I need total darkness to sleep. He lives across from me and has a very bright porch light. He had a family member with anxiety who insisted on having the porch light on. I got some inexpensive blackout curtains, did a tiny eyeroll, and moved on.

  65. Savory Snacks*

    Can anyone recommend savory snacks that are both no-salt and no-sugar?

    Husband has to avoid salt, and I have to avoid sugar. I’d like treats we can share, but I feel like we’ve exhausted the options quickly. We’re both sick of seasoned popcorn, rice cakes, and unsalted pretzels.

    2. lazy intellectual*

      Roasted chickpeas?

      With both plain nuts and chickpeas, maybe you can roast them with some non-salt seasoning (like paprika and garlic powder) for taste.

      1. nep*

        Mmm. Good one. Roasted chickpeas. Great idea–roasting nuts will definitely give them a great flavor.

    5. KittyCardigans*

      Vegetable slices (mostly cucumbers and tomatoes) in vinegar with pepper is a go-to snack for me. Besides that, maybe bread dipped in flavored oil? Pumpkin seeds? I’ve done chickpeas roasted till crispy with spices before, and recently saw a recipe for canned beans roasted the same way…that could work. Dips and dressings are often heavy on salt and sugar, but maybe fresh herbs stirred into sour cream would be a good dip that might kick a rice cake or whatever up a notch (I don’t think sour cream has salt?).

    6. Anono-me*

      Plantain chips. (Fresh Thyme Grocery has some very low salt ones. )

      Veggies. Radicchio or Jicama plain or with garlic dip. Cucumber slices soaked in water with vinegar. Radishes sliced thin then soaked in water with lime juice (the water can stain.)

      Trader Joe’s has a cocktail sauce that has almost no sodium (like 2%FDA I think) and most shrimp and crab legs are super low sodium unless frozen in brine.

      Boarshead has “no salt added” deli meat. I think the Turkey is 2% rda per serving and the beef is 4% (Their low sodium version are better than most, but still way higher than I like.)

      (Also Trader Joe’s has a spaghetti sauce that is super low sodium without sugar. )

    7. Llellayena*

      Roasted vegetables: coat with olive oil and bake at 375deg until soft/roasted – carrots are especially good as they come out tasing sweet like candy

      Roasted nuts with herbs or spices: coat with oil or melted butter, add herbs or spices like rosemary, thyme, cayenne pepper, whatever you like. If you use butter, refrigerate the results.

      I need to go shopping, I’m getting hungry…

    8. fposte*

      You might need to hunt for cheese with no salt, but you can microwave up thin cheese slices until they brown and bubble, and when they cool they’re crunchy and chewy. Yum.

    9. Red haired runner*

      Vegetables with homemade dip comes to mind. I made a pretty good ranch dip once with plain greek yogurt and the herbs that go into ranch dressing. It’s not that much more work than buying pre-made dip and you can have full control over the amount of salt. Making your own tortilla chips and pico de gallo is also pretty easy and again would let you control the salt level.

    10. Ronda*

      the asian stores have all kinds of weird flavor snacks…… I am not certain on sugar and salt content, but it might be a place to explore.

    11. Tris Prior*

      Homemade kale chips have been my go-to lately. I season them with various salt-free seasonings from Penzeys, or sometimes just garlic powder that doesn’t have salt in it.

  66. Anono-me*

    I don’t think you are being unreasonable.
    I do however think you should replace your porch light with a proper security light and ask the electrician to do whatever can done to mitigate the shine into the neighbor’s bedroom. And if your neighbor is willing to help with the cost. I think that you should let her.

    The reason I think that you should get a proper security light is because most porch and motion lights are easy to circumvent. They are usually fragile bulbs mounter 8 or 9 feet high. A friend was telling about TPing houses in high school and how not to get caught. 1. If the porch light is always on, hit the hot light bulb with water from a supersoaker or use a wrist rocket. 2. If they have a motion light. Ask the tallest kid in school to help you. Tall kid slides along the side of the house until they are under the motion light, then reaches up and unscrew it.

    You may also want to ask your local police department or community safety committee to do a safety inspection of your home. I had one done many years ago and found it very helpful.

    In addition to trying to help your neighbor if you can do it without compromising your family’s safety being the kind thing to do; it will also increase your safety if your family has a good relationship with your new neighbors.

    I hope that you are able to stay safe.

    1. Lena Clare*

      Extremely cute:)
      I had fun scrolling through that thank you. Also got some good ideas for plants on my kitchen windowsill.

  68. valentine*

    Anyone know the name of a poem by a US or UK writer about standing at his five-year-old daughter’s grave? I’m thinking early 20th century, but it may be even earlier.

    1. A313*

      Probably not but maybe: A Refusal to Mourn the Death, by Fire, of a Child in London by Dylan Thomas

    2. A Teacher*

      Is it possibly Roald Dahl’s essay about his seven-year-old daughter dying of measles? Sorry, I know that’s the wrong age and wrong format, but maybe?

    3. marushka*

      Elegy for Jane by Theodore Roethke? It is his student rather than his daughter, so maybe it’s not the right one? I’ve always found it so beautiful and moving.

  69. KoiFeeder*

    Medical question for POTS folks. It’s a “is this a tough it out or tell the doc” question, so you all get the rant, sorry.

    I got put on heart medication recently, due to the ER thing. It does lower my blood pressure a small amount, but it’s primarily to keep my heart rate from exceeding 200 again. It’s working at doing that! But… My stamina has tanked, and I end up severely fatigued and dizzy after any exercise, to the point where I have to lay down after putting away dishes or making the bed. I’m not really in shape, and I may have some form of exercise intolerance, but this is a lot worse than it was before. And no, it’s not age- I’m not even 25.

    The last time I took a heart medication, it was midodrine, and the side-effects were equally immediate but far more severe. The cardio specifically picked this one because it didn’t interact with the rest of my medication, and because a severe reaction is sort of a lightning-strike chance of occurring. Dr. Google confirms that exercise intolerance is not a known side effect.

    So, as said before… Do I tough it out or not? This is an arrythmia that will likely get worse over time, and cause damage if untreated. The worsened exercise intolerance sucks, but, well, I won’t die. But I’m not really experienced with POTS (it runs in the family, but in a more manageable form- I have the worst symptoms), and this isn’t a POTS medication anyways but an arrythmia medication, so I’m a bit at sea.

    (Yes, calling my doctor would be the pro move. In my defense, it’s difficult for me to calibrate symptom severity given everything, and I really cannot call my doctor for every symptom I have because neither of us can be on the phone for the rest of my lifespan! You can still tell me I’m an idiot and to call my dang doctor, though, I don’t mind.)

    1. Dr. Anonymous*

      Call your dang doctor. I hate when people suffer (particularly with remedies I have them) and don’t call me.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        I’ll call my dang doctor, then, but this really isn’t “suffer” for me. I would label it inconvenient and unpleasant, but not debilitating.

        1. Anono-me*

          Is it possible that your ‘call the
          doctor’ meter might be off-kilter because of all your previous frustrating medical experiences? (Also, I vote call.)

      2. Another anonymous doctor*

        I agree completely with Dr. Anonymous and I define suffering very loosely. You meet my definition.

      3. EDS Zebra here*

        Yes, anytime you are taking a new medication and are experiencing different (note I didn’t say unusual) symptoms or something out of your ordinary call the Dr. This would be one of those times.
        My body reacted strangely to medication and waiting it out was not the right call, you made need an immediate adjustment.
        Dr. Anonymous,
        yes, to you it is obvious to Call the Dang Doctor but for those of us with special needs sometimes we can’t tell. And we have experience with Drs. minimizing our experiences as well as chalking up symptoms and pain to mental instability. Especially on a weekend. How many days is too many to have a migraine? I seemed to have subluxed my knee cap. Hurts like hell. Can’t walk. A civilian would probably call the Dr. Not me.
        I appreciate your supportive advice but wondering if you have ever had an EDS patient.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          Same EDS! Well, probably not the same EDS, but I also have it. And you’re right, having all this medical stuff makes it a lot harder for me to calibrate when I should or shouldn’t consider something a problem.

    2. midnightcat*

      If you’re having new or different symptoms after starting a new med then you really need to tell your doctor.

      I don’t know about POTS but have some general thoughts:

      Google told you this isn’t a known side effect. This doesn’t mean it definitely isn’t being caused by the med! It might mean it’s a new side effect not known to the manufacturers. (In the UK we have a way of reporting potential unknown side effects to pharmacy regulators as well – it’s called the Yellow Card Scheme – perhaps you can do something similar where you are too.)

      All medicines can have side effects and the way they affect you will vary depending on lots of factors. That doesn’t mean you should just ignore them – it means you should talk to your doctor in case you need to adjust the dose or adjust one of your other meds.

      So, call your doctor! And also don’t just google symptoms – look for the information leaflet for your specific medication and formulation. (Over here this is a sheet in the box and also available online but I don’t know if this is a thing elsewhere.)

    3. Cruciatus*

      I read this to my sister, a doctor, and she said to call your doctor or cardiologist, whoever prescribed the medication! She says they may be able to just lower the dose. But calling should be your first option.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        I’m actually on the lowest prescribe-able dose, and as I was typing that out I remembered the existence of pill cutters.

    4. PollyQ*

      Two things:
      1) I started high-blood pressure meds 3.5 years ago, and it took my body a couple of months to adjust to them. Eventually, the fatigue passed.
      2) However, I still say “Call your doctor” — “severely fatigued & dizzy after exercise” is a serious symptom, and suggests that the meds may need to be adjusted. It’s possible there’s nothing to be done, but that’s a call a professional should make, not you.

  70. Nacho*

    Any suggestions for quarantining when you live with somebody else?

    My kid brother still lives with our parents, but he’s about to start a work study in a homeless shelter that will last 10 weeks. Obviously we’re all concerned about him contracting COVID while at work, but he can’t put this off any longer before it affects his ability to graduate on time. They’ve got a two story house, and my mom’s talking about him only coming upstairs to grab food, which he would eat in his downstairs room. Would something like that work? Or should they set up a mini-kitchen for him in the basement and basically live with not seeing him for the next two and a half months?

    1. AcademiaNut*

      Even if he’s grabbing food, they’re basically not going to be seeing him for two and a half months. I’d go for a hybrid. Set up a table at the door to the basement where you can leave his plated meals, and he can return the dirty dishes. He can literally open the door, grab the dishes, and head back down. But also set up the basement with some eating facilities – a bar fridge, kettle and microwave, for example – so he can make his own breakfast and pack a lunch, and have cold drinks and coffee when he wants. I’m assuming he’s got a bathroom with a shower down there – if he’s sharing bathroom facilities with the rest of the family, it’s not a quarantine.

    2. midnightcat*

      Is anyone else in your household clinically vulnerable? If not, it’s a bit excessive to quarantine like this just because he’s going out to work.

      I suggest he removes his clothes and showers when he comes in, clean clothes every time, and everyone is very proactive about hand hygiene and cleaning the house.

      I don’t know anyone who has attempted to quarantine from their own family on an ongoing basis. I just don’t think it’s workable. I know a few healthcare workers and they aren’t even doing this.

      1. Colette*

        This is less likely to be effective than just isolating himself, though, since he can be sick without knowing it immediately.

      2. Nacho*

        My parents are 60. They’re in good health for their age, but still probably shouldn’t be taking any risks.

      3. Courageous cat*

        Healthcare workers take all the necessary precautions around each other though, I would consider working at a homeless shelter to be fairly risky since many homeless people don’t have access to PPE or handwashing.

    3. Workerbee*

      I find myself wondering if his school would reconsider or change this particular work study requirement. Or letting him graduate while deferring this. The more people you come into contact with, the more risk, et al.

    4. 00ff00Claire*

      Depending on your parents and brother live, he may need to assume that he will get exposed / become an asymptomatic spreader and therefore your family’s plan to separate by him living downstairs make sense, especially if it is not too hard to do. The CDC has some guidance on their website for how to minimize the chance of infecting household members if someone in the house is known to be sick. It’s called “Caring for Someone Sick at Home”. Obviously, he’s not sick, but you could probably get good ideas there and then modify them to whatever level your family is comfortable with. There is also guidance on the website for congregate living settings: “COVID-19 Guidance for Shared or Congregate Housing”. The section on common spaces and communal rooms could help you/them think through modifications they might be able to make to their daily routines to minimize the risk of transmission if he is exposed.

      Making sure the house is well ventilated would also be helpful, and if he spends time in the same room as your parents, he could always wear a mask, as if he was at work or school. In fact, I think the key would be trying to imagine your parents and him aren’t related / a “family unit” and think through what steps a university / hotel / Air B&B / etc would do in that situation. Also remember if they take these steps, they should probably continue them for at least 24 days after the end of his work study – 14 for the incubation period plus 10 for the time he would be an asymptomatic spreader if he was exposed. That seems like a long time, but if they are going to be cautious enough for him to live separately, it probably makes sense to be thorough about it.

      Hope his work study goes well and that your family continues to remain healthy!

      1. Natalie*

        at least 24 days after the end of his work study – 14 for the incubation period plus 10 for the time he would be an asymptomatic spreader if he was exposed.

        This is pretty extreme – the recommended quarantine period for *known* exposure is only 14 days.

    5. Sparrow*

      I work in a hospital. I don’t live with my parents right now, but if I were, I’d wear a mask upstairs in the common spaces- while preparing food, in transit to other parts of the house- and try to spend most of my time in the downstairs space (definitely eat down there). I’d socialize with my parents either indoors with all parties wearing masks or outdoors and well spaced without masks. In my mind, this is a decent balance of safety and tolerability/quality of life but everyone’s calculations will be different

  71. eeniemeenie*

    Can you help me out with a polite script to say to my SIL? She messaged me saying it’s FIL’s birthday. My husband did not receive any such message from her. I’m irritated by the expectation that I take responsibility for acknowledging FIL’s birthday when that should fall on her brother – i.e., FIL’s son – rather than me, his DIL. My siblings would never text my husband to tell him it’s my dad’s birthday. We don’t expect my husband to do anything for my dad’s birthday beyond showing up for any birthday event we arrange. Likewise, I’m happy to participate in birthday events for my husband’s parents but I feel the main responsibility of remembering and acknowledging their birthdays should fall on him. I am sick of shouldering the majority of emotional labour in our relationship just because I’m a woman. Advice?

    1. Long drives*

      “Oh, you should text (Husband) to remind him!”

      I think a simple redirect might be easier than trying to convince her she’s not smashing the patriarchy like she should (which I agree with you about, 100%.)

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I would probably ignore her text, but this is a better solution. (I straight up have my husband’s sister blocked on social media and she doesn’t have my number, after she pitched a tantrum at husband that he “needed to get me under control so we could be good friends.” Uh. Seriously? No thanks. I don’t think he’s talked to her since then either, I’m not sure.)

      4. BRR*

        I was going to reply with suggesting to pretend it was an accident “oh I think you meant to send this to HUSBAND” but I think yours is better because it’s friendly and doesn’t dance around the subject.

      5. Observer*

        Exactly.

        You don’t need to convince her to change her attitude. But you do want to get off this treadmill. So, just refuse to play.

        Remember – she texted, but that doesn’t obligate you to respond the way she wants. So, don’t. And leave it at that.

    2. Anon for this*

      She, too, is a victim of the same assumption that this stuff is women’s work! She is not the enemy!

      I would mention it as, “Hey, thanks for keeping me in the loop on Bday, but that’s really Husband’s territory for planning and stuff.”

      2. A313*

        Control what you can. I’d forward the text to husband this one time and he takes it from there. If he acknowledges FIL’s birthday and his other family members’ events, they will eventually see that the acknowledgments are coming from him. Or he won’t do it, and that has its own consequences.

        If it makes you feel better to say something, knowing that it might not have any effect or will cause some tension in your relationship with your SIL, then definitely say it. Maybe make it a commiseration about how women often take on this sort of “chore” and that you’re changing how you and your husband deal with it. If she wants to, in the future, remind her brother/your husband, that’s her choice, but you won’t be doing it in the future.

        1. Observer*

          Nope, don’t forward the text unless that’s your normal way of communicating with husband. When you are trying to get someone to change a behavior, you don’t do things that make that behavior work for them.

          And saying “I’ll do it this one time, but you need to change” generally comes across condescending and preachy. Sure, eeniemeenie has a fundamental disagreement with SIL, and with good reason. But it’s not her place to school her like a child. It *IS* her place to not accept the role she is being handed.

          1. A313*

            I’ve done this very thing (forwarded once, well, more than once), and it’s worked for us, but of course won’t work for everyone. And it’s more of a “how we handle this situation” needs to change, rather than telling your SO he needs to change. And perhaps communicating with SIL how you (both) are handling it in the future. Telling her why is also optional, but might serve as a wake up call to her, as well. Depends on her personality and situation.

            My one SIL is very traditional gender-roled. She initially expected so much more of me than my SO in this regard. She is finally getting the hang of things, though — if she wants a response to certain things, ask my SO. I’m sure she’s been annoyed me at times, certainly in the beginning, but it’s an easy fix for her to get the info/response she wants. I did not explain to her the “why” of it, as she’s fairly fixed in her thinking, and her husband would never agree to this type of change (it’s good they found each other!).

    3. Aza*

      I’d have your husband text her and thank her for the reminder and ask in the future that she text him.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Same. Do not get in that loop of passing on messages from husband’s family to husband, because that’s just guaranteeing that they’ll keep asking you to. If they want to tell him a thing, they can tell him a thing, that doesn’t need to involve eenie.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              And if he doesn’t do whatever it is they think he should do, call them or throw dad a party or whatever, then THAT comes back on eenie too. “Why didn’t you tell him to (whatever)?” No amount of “I did, and he still didn’t do it” will get you off the hook, because once you take on the responsibility of delivering the message, you somehow magically also become responsible for making sure the whole kit and caboodle is followed through on and done right.

          2. Aza*

            Eh, for me it would be more of a one-off conversation with my husband (“your sister is texting me these reminders. Can you text her and arrange to handle your dad’s birthday stuff for the future? I’ll keep handling my family’s stuff, you handle yours”).

            But to each their own!

      2. Max Kitty*

        But isn’t that falling into the assumption that sister should be reminding brother of their father’s birthday? He should thank her for the reminder this year and tell her that she doesn’t need to remind either of them. And then set up whatever system is necessary that he remembers his own father’s birthday.

        1. fposte*

          But if he and she are fine with that, it’s okay. They don’t have to quit for ideological reasons if it works for them, and it’s up to him, not eenie, if he should do that or not.

        2. eeniemeenie*

          It’s not my role to lecture her on this though. If she’s happy to keep reminding her brother about their dad’s birthday, that’s her business. I just don’t want her expecting me to do this stuff.

    4. Analyst Editor*

      So I’m going to give a bit of a different perspective here.
      Yeah, a simple polite redirect is probably fine. Or you can just remind your husband to wish FIL a happy birthday, or even send a note yourself because it’s not actually a lot of effort and will make you look good. Your SIL might be messaging you because your name was easier to find in her contacts, or because she just feels more comfortable messaging you than your BIL – which is a compliment to you, in general.

      But I bet the issue isn’t how you the woman are being forced to remind your husband of birthdays. Either he doesn’t pull his weight in the marriage in some way, or you’re not feeling appreciated, or you’re stuck with managing the social calendar while hating this chore for its own sake (whether or not it’s traditionally women’s work). Or maybe there’s some kind of baggage with your in-laws that a simple communication elicits irritation. But these are separate from the object-level issue of the “emotional labor” of the family social calendar.

      Each of these can be examined and addressed, but I think keeping too much score for how much emotional laboring you do is not productive. Furthermore I know that for myself, I try to keep score, I am not always as objective an accountant as I could be, and neglect to incorporate ways my husband contributes to the household, leading to rancor and fights.

      Anyways, good luck!

      1. Ice Bear*

        It could definitely be the comfortable thing. I completely understand that, especially if the husband isn’t very approachable. I used to message my sibling’s SO instead of my sibling because I could trust the SO to respond whereas I couldn’t trust sibling to do the same. Sibling even gave their blessing to do this (until they suddenly decided it wasn’t ok but neglected to inform me and then got angry at me for not messaging them directly, but that’s a whole other story).

      2. blackcat*

        IDK. The women do birthday reminders thing is actually super common and a lot of people buy into it.
        My MIL never forgave me for “letting” my husband forget her birthday.
        My brother freaked out at me the first year I declined to remind him about our parents birthdays.

        I am very willing to bet this is part of this same pattern.

        I boycott all birthday reminding activities precisely because of how common this dynamic is.

        1. Filosofickle*

          My partner (male) and I (female) have an agreement: Each of us is responsible for our own family’s things. He’s pretty good at remembering birthdays, but has forgotten important things…for example, when his niece had a baby this year he never sent a gift. (Despite me bringing it up multiple times.) I’m aware I’m probably the one who will be given the side-eye for it. It sucks.

      3. eeniemeenie*

        I…disagree with this.

        To imply this is an issue with my marriage or family communications belittles the real problem of women bearing the brunt of emotional labour while men enjoy much less expectations. That’s like tweeting #alllivesmatter and #notallmen. You don’t need a detailed spreadsheet to keep score when the disparity is so obvious in our society.

        I invite you to examine your own prejudice (we all have them) and consider why, upon reading my post, your immediate reaction was to speculate on a stranger’s personal life rather than acknowledging the real and prevalent sexism that exists, particularly if you are a man or a woman in a position of privilege.

        1. Analyst Editor*

          The post asked for advice, and this is mine from personal experience and received wisdom, based on my own mistakes in my own marriage and seeing that of others. If it’s wrong or doesn’t apply to you, it doesn’t.

    5. Observer*

      Play dumb? Tell her “Oh, you sent this to me instead of Hub. Best re-send to him to make sure he sees this in time.”

    6. RagingADHD*

      I trained people both inside and outside my family not to expect me to pass messages to my husband about anything. Mainly by telling them “I am probably going to forget to pass this on. You’re better off contacting him directly.” Secondarily by honestly forgetting to pass them.

      If they still did it after being told, I would forward the email or text to him, and (this is the important part) CC’ING THE SENDER, with the note “I think this was intended for you.”

      If I remembered. Sometimes I truly didn’t, and things just fell through the cracks. We all survived. And on the rare occasions that anyone had the gall to come to me and say, “But I told you about it so you could tell Husband!” I could just say, “well, that was probably a bad idea.”

      Here’s the thing: if you are going to buck the traditional expectation of emotional labor, you are going to have to buck the social pressure that failing to do it is rude or irresponsible. I have a slight amount of social “cover” in that I honestly have a terrible memory. The pressure to not be rude is part of the whole scheme imposing the labor in the first place.

      Anytime women resist social norms that make us responsible for everybody else’s feelings and meetings everyone else’s social expectations, they get called a bitch. Maybe not out loud, but inside somebody’s head. Sometimes inside our own heads.

      If you want to stop playing the game, you gotta get comfortable being the bitch.

      1. eeniemeenie*

        Ooh. Your fourth paragraph resonates with me. I did pass on the message to my husband (along with “why is your sister sending me this it’s your dad yo”). He didn’t arrange a gift or wish FIL a happy birthday. BUT! I am the one feeling guilty and thinking I’m going to be judged.

        Then I decided to accept being judged if it means I drop the burden on my husband where it squarely belongs. I’d rather sit with the discomfort of doing nothing than do everything.

  72. charo*

    I saw a question about HOT FLASHES and here’s my tip:

    Having studied Healing Massage and other New Age disciplines, it occurred to me that when I had a Hot Flash, I could just “give in” to it instead of focusing on suffering.
    I visualized it as “burning up all the rust and corrosion and clogs from a full life.” When I pictured it as clearing the brush, a controlled burn, instead of a raging fire I couldn’t control, it helped. I wasn’t fighting my body, I was re-framing what was happening, and I felt calmer.
    Sometimes just accepting, embracing even, what you can’t change can work.

    2. nep*

      +1
      Hugely helpful approach in many different situations, yes. Often fighting something makes the thing ‘stronger.’

    3. RagingADHD*

      I’m sure it helps to cope when they happen in the middle of the night. I’m having little trouble imagining how that would play out in the middle of a business meeting or job interview.

      I mean, there’s not really anything you can do to stop it, but I’m not sure this explanation would improve the situation.

      1. lasslisa*

        Acknowledging it to yourself as something that’s happening but you don’t have to feel angry about can help you keep your focus on whatever other tasks you’re doing, and help keep an emotionally even keel rather than let it upset you and get you flustered.

        It won’t stop you from, I don’t know, sweating through the armpits of your blouse, but I don’t think anyone had a method to control that anyway. At least if you’re not getting all worked up about your body REBELLING you won’t accidentally panic and flub some other part of the interview!

  73. Victoire*

    I hope this is okay for a weekend thread–I read a post once on AAM that I’ve been absolutely unable to find again (search box, browsing archives by topic, Google). Can anyone locate this elusive post? The letter-writer was friends with a woman applying for an internal promotion, but Friend had been beaten out by a superstar external candidate. Letter-writer observed the interviews, and the interviewers all agreed that Superstar was going to get the position, but Friend was obliviously convinced she had the promotion in the bag. Letter-writer was trying to figure out what to tell Friend, if anything. I’m in a similar sticky situation, and I’d really like to hear Allison’s advice, if I could find it again! (Of course, I can’t remember at all what Allison’s answer was.)

    1. Slinky*

      Hmm it’s not an exact match, but maybe the one where the OP’s fried tried to strong-arm her way into a promotion? The friend applied for an internal promotion, didn’t get it, and then tried to force her way into an even higher role. I’ll post the link after this. It’s not exactly what you’re describing, but it’s the closest of anything I can remember.

    2. Rhymetime*

      You might get more replies if you post in the Friday open thread. There are people who read during the week who aren’t here on the weekends. I hope you find it.

  74. Analyst Editor*

    I’ve been looking at options for my kids to go to school (if school in person ever resumes) and am somewhat unsatisfied with the choices. I happened upon something called a “cooperative school” and don’t really know what to make of it.
    Have any of you tried this for your children, at any level – from pre-school to high school? What was your experience?
    Thank you!

    1. BigSister*

      I am not a parent but I mentor a young girl that is homeschooled and she goes to a co-op part time (now remotely).

      From what I know of her specific situation, it’s a way for homeschooling parents to share teaching duties and actively participate in their kids’ school day. Co-ops allow parents to pool money for expensive supplies like microscopes or musical instruments etc. My mentee is in a co-op with 4 other families so I think it’s at most like 10 kids per “class”. She really enjoys it and the families are all friends.

    2. I Go OnAnonAnonAnon*

      My three kids all went to a co-op preschool and it was absolutely perfect for our family. It had a play-based curriculum, which was very important to me as I fundamentally disagree with workbooks/etc. for preschoolers. It also had required parent education and co-op business meetings once/month (so 2 meetings) and a weekly teaching/work shift supervised by credentialed preschool teachers, which meant that I got a lot of parenting education on things like positive discipline, conflict resolution, ages and stages, preschooler brain development, etc., and also practice putting what we learned into action. And as a co-op, I had a say in the business side of things, too.

      Also, because it was a co-op, it was significantly less expensive than other non-co-op preschool options in our very expensive COL city. It is not, however, for everyone, and I am not sure tha tbeing part of a smaller co-op would have been as positive an experience. Our preschool comprised roughly 90 families, which is big for a co-op.

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