weekend open thread – December 19-20, 2020

by Alison Green on December 19, 2020

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Hench, by Natalie Zina Walschots. Jennifer at Captain Awkward recommended this, and I loved it. It’s about a woman who works very boring temp jobs … for super villains. There are a lot of details that will be familiar to anyone who thinks about work a lot (a villain who is way too interested in how people are feeling, coworker tensions, worries about health insurance …), all of which become very amusing in a “working for villains” context, and you will be deeply invested in some surprising characters by the end of it. One of my favorites of the year.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Beth Jacobs*

    I’ve decided not to do a normal Christmas visit with my grandparents this year. We’re doing a walk instead, but considering the low temperatures, it’s bound to be short. Rationally, I stand by my decision, but I still feel super guilty. I know they would have preferred a large family gathering.
    I’m sure I’m not the only one. Anyone else struggling?

    1. MilitaryAnon*

      Yes! No grandparents in the picture for me but I know my parents are devastated to not be able to see all their sweet grandbabies this year. We try to keep up with pictures and FaceTime but life is just so busy right now. One thing I know others are trying:
      – Outdoor Fire Pit(s)

      If you have the funds, it’s possible to get some pretty toasty (and portable!) fire pits. We have a metal one that doesn’t even scorch the grass underneath somehow and can easily fit in the trunk. With a couple of those and some blankets, you could sit outside with warm tea or cocoa and chat. It’s not the same as a full meal in a cozy home, but it’s quality time together. Of course YMMV if there’s active snow on the ground.

      But even if all that happens is a short walk, you’re spending time together and staying safe. As someone with lots of friends and family in front line healthcare, thank you so much for making the harder choice this year!

      1. Maria*

        I do live where there’s snow and we’re doing an outdoor chili gathering with my in-laws. They bought one of those patio heaters and will have a couple crock pots of warm food/drink. Not ideal, but it’s been in the twenties the past week so it should be okay.

        1. Elsewhere*

          I’m widowed, live alone, have no relatives in-state, am self isolating like the majority of my friends, and will be spending the holidays alone

          On Christmas day I will be grateful for my own health and the health of those I hold dear, and for the fact that as a retiree I have a source of income and can keep a roof over my head and food in the refrigerator.

          I’ll Zoom with some folks, talk on the telephone with others, and continue to think that in the coming year will be better, even if not right away. I’ll remember past Christmas get-togethers and dream about future ones. I will even haul out the good dishes and glassware to eat with to make the day a bit more special.

          And I will continue to believe that somehow we will get through this and all be together again.

          Happy holidays to all.

          2. Knitter*

            My mom also retired and widowed thinks this way too. She is an expert at passive aggressive comments, but this Christmas she gave me the gift of just assuming I was not going to travel to her and not making any sort of issue of it. Travel never came up and she was proactive about sending gifts. We are incredibly grateful for not having to manage her feelings as we so often do.

          3. Marillenbaum*

            This sounds like my plans for Christmas. I live alone, my fiancé and I are long-distance because of work, and my family live in all sorts of places. Christmas Day, I will make fancy French toast and coffee, call my parents (and sister, and fiancé, and some friends), and then watch Bridgerton on Netflix.

    2. Jemima Bond*

      I am definitely struggling. My partner is going to his mum’s, just the two of them, as he hasn’t seen her since February. I am going to my mum’s. In both cases this is permitted within our govt guidance but we might still have not visited, to be on the safe side – but my father died unexpectedly (not COVID) a fortnight ago so I just can’t not be there for her. I am self isolating now the week before I go, to try to be safer.

      1. WellRed*

        I’m in the same boat but it is my brother who died, so off to Mom’s I will go. Haven’t been anywhere in a week and getting tested but I know it’s not ideal.

    3. Square Root of Minus One*

      I’m not going home this year. I know my mom is unhappy about it, even though she says it’s rational. I am really unhappy too (didn’t go last year already because moving to a new place) but seriously, the restrictions are too much. I’m rolling over my vacation instead.
      I live alone so I can make my home not Xmassy, but the Xmas spirit at work right now is killing me. I can’t wait for all the Xmassers to be gone on holiday. Even my favourite coworker, usually known as a Grinch, was partaking in a Xmas sweater contest.

    4. Oxford Comma*

      We decided a while ago there would be no gathering on Christmas. It is a decision I am 100% on board with logically, but I usually feel pretty low at this time of year and it’s going to be super hard this Christmas.

    5. Tacocat*

      Going through the same thing. Had to work really hard to convince my mom (in her 70s with multiple health issues) that going to a 15 person Christmas celebration with multiple kids in school wasn’t a good idea. Then everyone started calling her and trying to convince her to go. I’m really angry because I know she’s already sad about not going.

      1. Tired of Covid-and People*

        Where is the love? Pandemic deaths and infections are at their peak. I just don’t get the madness.

    6. Lucy Day*

      My daughter has special needs and we suspect covid would be extra dangerous for her, so we are not hosting or attending any family gatherings this year. We live far from family so there would be travel involved, which would make it extra risky. This is our baby’s first Christmas so it’s disappointing to not have her grandparents, aunts and uncles here the way we planned originally, but we all feel keeping everyone safe is the top priority. The whole family is sad, but we would rather us all be healthy and able to gather sometime in 2021 instead.

      I know my husband’s extended family took a walk with his grandparents over thanksgiving – it was a little chilly so they kept it short but his grandparents still enjoyed seeing everyone! I’m sure your grandparents will feel the same.

    7. Disco Janet*

      Yep. We’re going to drop off presents at my in-laws and chat for a bit, but with masks on and keeping our distance. I’m not looking forward to it, but my husband is really missing his mom and this was the compromise we agreed on. My in-laws are still going to act like we’re being ridiculous though, which makes the whole thing extra frustrating. They’re in the “masks are dumb/I’m going to live my life/taking precautions means you’re living in fear” group. Ugh.

      We will see my parents – I feel a bit guilty about the difference there between husband’s parents and mine, but mine help us with childcare on days my work must have me be in person, so we’ve been seeing them anyways. No big gathering like they usually have, which my mom is sad about but luckily knows it’s for the best and never even considered hosting a group this year. Honestly, I always find the big gathering to be a bit hectic (I never get to spend time chatting with my parents on holidays because they’re so busy hosting) and it’s hard for my son on the spectrum who gets overwhelmed with all the sensory stuff going on with so many people together – so I’m looking forward to it being just us and them. Trying to be conscious of my mom’s disappointment though.

    8. Canuck girl*

      It’ll just be me and my parents this year, which is not bad, hopefully we won’t get on each other’s nerves, they are good parents, but they can be a bit much sometimes. We usually spend Christmas with another family, who are family friends and they have adult children who I am friends with. It is typically a nice large gathering with good food and making gingerbread men with the kids. But, alas, not this year, it was hard for my mom to say no to the gathering, but what can you do. I’ll at least get to go on a Christmas walk with their oldest daughter who is like a cousin / older sister to me. To be totally honest I had been having mixed feelings about that gathering after the past two Christmases, because one of the adult children (they’re all in mid to late 30s, as am I), the brother is prone to making racist comments and no one says a thing, not even his wife…but that’s a whole other separate discussion for a different thread for another day. I’ll still miss seeing the rest of that family (other than the brother) and spending time with people other than my parents.

    9. Ali G*

      It was really hard on everyone when we cancelled Thanksgiving. We host my husband’s family and we hadn’t seen them since last Thanksgiving. We usually do East-Over in the spring, but obviously that didn’t happen either.
      We’ve been isolating and got covid tests so my in-laws can visit. They come tomorrow for one night. I know it’s not optimal, but it will do wonders for my MIL’s mental health. In-laws have seen my SIL and her family only twice this entire year and haven’t seen their son at all. They were in a big scary hot spot over the summer so they’ve basically been isolated the whole time, with few exceptions.
      My family cancelled all plans a while ago, so this is the only thing we are doing. It’s weird but for the best!

      1. Not playing your game anymore*

        I come from a long line of people who “went west.” They packed up everything that would fit in a wagon, or even just a cart and left everything behind, knowing it was unlikely they’d see loved ones again. Sometimes without even the comfort of a letter. I tell my self if they could do all that I can survive another zoom holiday. Mom is really missing her grand and great grandbabies. I miss so many family and friends too. But we’ve also lost several people and really don’t want to lose more. So here we stay.

        1. Beth Jacobs*

          So true! I’m going to reread the children’s’ book The Long Winter (Laura Ingalls Wilder, part of the Little House series). When the Ingalls family got snowed in for the entire winter, they made it through. Their parents saved a church magazine for Christmas so the girls would have something new to read then. People have managed not only to survive, but to thrive, in situations of far greater hardship.

          1. Natalie*

            A few weeks ago I was browsing at a book store that sells new and used and I noticed they had multiple copies of every Little House book *except* The Long Winter. Weird pandemic shortage.

    10. pancakes*

      I saw an interesting idea floated as a possibility, by the writer Zeynep Tufecki – she was responding to someone having a hard time getting their family to agree to postpone celebrating Christmas because they weren’t sure they’d have time off later in the year:

      “I’ve been hearing exactly this. That people get close to convincing their family to postpone gathering now, but the roadblock is they’re not sure if they will all have time off. What if [the President] proposed a Federal holiday—say around Easter in early April?”

      Other people suggested summer. Either way, that could be helpful.

    11. Might be Spam*

      My mother finally got a home care aide. This week I found out that neither of them wear a mask when the aide is there and I am flabbergasted. I don’t know what to do about Christmas now. I’ve been isolating so I can see Mom, but now I am worried about her infecting me instead of the other way around. Who knows what the aide’s other clients have exposed her to?

      We’ll have to do a phone call and I’ll drop off some presents at her apartment but not go in. It’ll be tough because she always has an excuse to need me to come in to help her with something. Now, I have to say no. She said that we have to come to her to get our Christmas cards because she won’t mail them. Yup, she’s holding our Christmas cards hostage.

      My daughter won’t come in my apartment either, but that’s because she works with the public and has been exposed to the virus twice by careless coworkers. So we’ll exchange gifts outside and go home to open them over Zoom with her brother who lives across the country.

    12. TechWorker*

      I’m struggling right now too. I’ll be spending Christmas with just my partner, which will be nice, but I’m used to big family christmases. I was looking forward to meeting my dad and most of my siblings just after Christmas for lunch, but that’s now very much against the rules that the U.K. just announced.

      My dad is keen to ignore all the rules, I am not. Trying to work out if there’s any way of doing an outside present exchange but urgh it’s just all such a mess :(

    13. Arts Akimbo*

      Pretty sure my mom and stepfather are COVID deniers. They just… don’t think it’s that big a deal! It’s very upsetting. So, she’s sad we won’t come down for Christmas, and I’m sad we’re in a deadly pandemic which some people think is not that big a deal. We’re just studiously avoiding talking about it and sending gifts through the mail.

      1. Vistaloopy*

        This is very similar to my dad and stepmom! They are having all of 4 of my step siblings (most of whom live out of state) and their partners/kids for Christmas and wonder why we aren’t coming over. It makes me sad to miss the gathering but lately all I want to do is stay home because it’s the only place I feel safe.

    14. Artemesia*

      We had planned for my daughter’s family to quarantine so we could do new year dinner/belated Christmas gifts, but they cannot do that due to an unexpected work issue that came up — and their youngest is in day care which is so far so good but an every present risk factor. So we are back to outside walks too.

      We are meeting at the firepit for a drink tonight — had Thanksgiving around the firepit and will do Christmas day games and presents on zoom. I decorated gingerbread houses with my granddaughter last weekend (dropped off a kit to her place, so we each had a house to do on line) and tomorrow I am decorating Christmas cookies with her and her toddler brother on zoom.

      You do what you can. I think making the effort is really important. Your grandparents know you care, you are doing what you can do — maybe talk t them on the phone or zoom more than usual to balance the misery of not being together.

    15. Not Australian*

      We won’t see anyone at all between now and 28 Dec when two local people with whom we are ‘bubbled’ will be coming in for a drink and a mince pie. On 2 January we’re hoping to meet up with at least one of the grandchildren on a windy sea-front, drink coffee and exchange presents … although as they have just come out of Tier Three and gone into Tier Two we might be able to meet inside somewhere after all. After that, we have no expectation of seeing any family members until Easter at the earliest.

    16. CTT*

      I’m having half of my normal Christmas; my sister/BIL/niblings are the only people I’ve really been seeing during all this, and the usually host Christmas. My parents won’t be coming, which I’m sad about, but I expected. I’m weirdly upset that we’ve decided to forgo our usual big four course dinner and do something simpler. Which I guess makes sense but 1) we usually start cooking at 9 am so now I’m worried I won’t have anything to distract me from being sad and 2) I want my elaborate dinner, dangit.

    17. JanetM*

      We will go to my husband’s parents’ house for Christmas Day dinner. He told me, “The way Mom sounded on the phone, I’m afraid she’s starting to think this may be her last Christmas.” (His parents are in their 80s.) Not that she said that, but the intensity of the request, especially since she was fine about our not coming for Thanksgiving. I trust his premonitions, so we’re going.

    18. urban teacher*

      My mom has had cancer 4 times so we’re not seeing her . It ‘s hard. And it’s really hard when my partner’s sister posts on the family text that she’s in Hawaii with her boyfriend. ” I got tested 72 hours before” Great, so now you can spread it in Hawaii. And I won’t be able to see my mom until summer.

    19. Moocow Cat*

      Nah! Mostly I’m relieved to be free of the overwhelming social obligations this time of year. Though it will be great to see family again soon.

    20. overeducated*

      Yeah, I’m sad about it. We live far enough away that an outdoor get together isn’t feasible. I’m sort of just ok with being sad. What bothers me more is the fear that even though I am not seeing family, some of the young adults who work in retail are getting together with the older generation; while I may be skipping the holiday gathering so we can enjoy many more, what if we can’t because others don’t make it?

    21. NapkinThief*

      Same. We were planning to spend a week with my parents for baby’s first Christmas – fought for the time off, and were going to rent a car (and drive 18 hours!) to minimize contact, but after lots of back and forth and consultation with his doctors, my dad called a couple weeks ago and asked us not to come. Rationally we all agree it’s for the best, but it still sucks. Especially because my dad hasn’t gotten to see the baby yet (mom was here for the birth) and it feels so unfair to miss out on these moments. But we miss it this year in hopes of having many more in the years to come.

    22. Beth Jacobs*

      Thank you all for sharing your experiences. It’s touching to know that despite all obstacles we’re finding a way to show we care while staying safe. Merry Christmas everyone :)

    23. Jules the 3rd*

      We’re doing a Zoom with the grandparents, like we did for Thanksgiving. I am deeply grateful that my parents are taking COVID seriously. It sucks not to be able to hug them, and eat my mom’s cooking (sweet potato biscuits… mmmmm), but it’s worth it.

    24. Choggy*

      I think too many older people are feeling incredibly isolated, especially if they live alone, they are willing to risk it but don’t really understand the true ramifications. My MIL lived across the street from a couple who had health problems, their son, who had Covid, visited them. They both got it, and ended up dying from it within a few days. My mother is flying from NY to FL on New Year’s Day, she was determined to go to Florida for the coldest months and will be staying in the same town as my brother. I hate that she’s doing this (she’s 85 and in good health), but she’s always done what she wants, and who am I do tell her she can’t? The only thing I can do is what is best for me and my family, and that’s what you have to say to anyone to tries to make you feel guilty about that. My husband and I were alone for Thanksgiving, and will be for Christmas. He’s a nurse, who works in a chronic-care facility, and while there have been only a few cases (staff) of Covid, and he gets tested weekly, it’s not something we are willing to take a chance with. I work from home, so I’m less of a risk, but I’m supporting his wishes. I haven’t seen my family in over a year, we connect over Facebook, phone, email, online meeting software. You could always make videos (I think Zoom has this functionality) and send them a link to it over email if that’s the easiest way to send them some cheer from their family.

    25. Marion Ravenwood*

      Yep. London (along with a fairly big chunk of the rest of England) has gone back into lockdown as of today, and whilst I’ll make the most of Christmas with my boyfriend and our flatmates I know my mum in particular is devastated that she won’t get to see me (though she can still go to my sister’s as originally planned under the new restrictions). I think it’s the fact that she’s upset more than anything else – I was mostly OK until we spoke on the phone earlier and then had a bit of a wobble. It sucks, but it’s for the best and I’m hoping that it won’t be too much longer until we can all be together again properly.

      1. Beth Jacobs*

        I definitely feel you. I’m a slight Grinch myself, so it’s not really about my Christmas, but I know how much it matters to my grandparents!

    26. Blackcat*

      I’m actually on the other side of things: As an adult, I’ve done Thanksgiving with my extended family and Christmas with my parents (as a kid, both were at home with my parents who refused to travel for the holidays with kids…. yet somehow expect me to haul a toddler to them for Christmas… ). I am actually really looking forward to Zoom Christmas, since AAALLLLL of us can make it. Me in New England, all the extended fam in the south, two cousins in OR, my cousin in London, etc. One aunt is the designated caregiver for our grandmother (she’s in a graduated living facility, still in the “independent living” apartments, but they restrict visitors to one regular person per resident), and she’ll be running the Zoom session for my grandmother. It’s nice to not have to choose which family to visit.

    27. Quinalla*

      Yes, we too are staying home with just the immediate family. 2 of my siblings and kids are visiting my parents, but are wearing masks and keeping the visit briefer than normal. My other sibling and I are not visiting to protect ourselves and our parents, he is a restaurant owner and his COVID pod is HUGE because of that. We are lucky enough to both be working from home and kids have been out of school for 3 weeks distance learning, but we aren’t wanting to take risks with my sister especially as her kids are in daycare and at school and she is divorced and no clue what her ex is doing safety-wise.

  2. Jennifer @unchartedworlds*

    Best newish SF novels? I’ve enjoyed things by Rosemary Kirstein, Ann Leckie, Becky Chambers, RB Lemberg, NK Jemisin. What/who else might be in the general vicinity of those? & whereabouts are they on the spectrum from “science” to “inexplicable magic”? No spoilers please, but mention of themes/flavours welcome.

    1. AcademiaNut*

      If you like the fantasy end of things, Becky Chambers puts me in mind of The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison and much of T. Kingfisher’s works. The former has a political maneuvering heavy plot, but is somehow a total comfort read. Kingfisher’s stuff has a good sense of humour, a fast paced plot, and decent people doing their best when in over their heads. Maybe Sisters of the Vast Black (nuns in space…). I just finished Daniel Abraham’s Long Price Quartet – fantasy with an Asian inspired setting that combines good characters with a thoughful and wide-ranging plot, and a very interesting magic system. Each book is separated by 15 years, so you see the consequences of the first book playing out over many years.

      For Jemisin – Nnedi Okorafor has some good African inspired science fiction (try the Binti trilogy). It’s not new, but the Hyperion Cantos by Dan Simmons has complex, wide ranging, philosophically heavy plots (I just finished re-reading it, so it’s in my mind).

      And if you haven’t read them yet, check out Gideon the Ninth and Harrow the Ninth, which lie somewhere in between science fiction and fantasy, and are completely and utterly bonkers, but amazingly good. Necromancy based magic, space travel and an immortal emperor.

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      I think for the world building that NK Jemisin does then you might like The Expanse series, by James SA Corey that examines a future where humans have spread out into the solar system but it’s not the Star Trek utopia that we tend to imagine. I would say that it’s presented as science but there is a suspension of disbelief required when it comes to the main scientific thing that the series is anchored around, but I think it works.

      Then there’s Kindred, by Octavia E. Butler. Personally, this is the best book I’ve read in ages. I’m not sure it’s considered newish SF novels but it’s well worth a read as it’s about a Black woman who keeps accidentally travelling back in time and meeting with her slave-owning ancestor.

      The Power, by Naomi Alderman is fantasy dressed up as SF but is really, really engaging.

      Children of Time, by Adrian Tchiakovsky is definitely more on the science end of the spectrum and about a generation ship that encounters troubles on its way to a new world. The human story is running parallel to another story on the world that they’re heading to, and it’s very cleverly done.

      And finally, Sleeping Giants, by Sylvain Neuvel is on the science end as well. The format’s not for everyone and, admittedly, I bought it for its gorgeous cover but also enjoyed it at the same time. It’s the first of a trilogy I think but I haven’t got around to the rest in the series yet.

      Happy reading!

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Seanan McGuire writes mostly urban fantasy under her own name and sci fi under a pen name Mira Grant.

      Her flagship MG series is the Newsflesh series, which is a political conspiracy /murder mystery thriller that takes place in a world 20 years after the zombie apocalypse where the virus is still an ongoing concern and the world has adapted to it. Her MG mermaid books (2, a novella and a novel, one is called Rolling in the Deep though I forget which one) are fascinating and the True Story of what happened when that trashy mockumentary show went looking for things in the depths that they didn’t want to find.

      On her own name: Her standalone (so far though more books in the world are coming) Middlegame is amazing and I’m not even sure how to describe it. She has an ongoing series of novellas called the Wayward Children series that are portal fiction, about kids who went through doors and came back, that are good for both adults and teens and have really good representation for non-cis/het characters, if that’s a thing of interest to you. I really enjoyed her Indexing duo, though they’re kindle exclusive – the characters work in a government agency where their responsibility is to monitor and prevent the incursion of fairy tale tropes on the “real” world.

    4. Telgar*

      It sounds like you like very similar books to me, so here a lenghthy post:
      You have probably heard of the Murderbot Diaries by Martha Wells; if not: the title ist (mostly) ironic; it’s pretty hard SF Space Opera about a genderless cyborg who’s trying to find out where it fits in while getting into trouble.
      I just finished the second book in the Thorne Chronicles by K. Eason; the title of the first book is “How Rory Thorne Destroyed the Multiverse” the second “How the Multiverse Got Its Revenge”. It’s Science Fantasy with space travel, scientific magic and fairies (who might be aliens) with a subverted fairy tale vibe. Strong female characters; Rory Thorne is a young woman (well she’s 15/16 so teenager, but no teenage angst).
      Currently I’m reading the second book of the White Space Series by Elizabeth Bear. The first book is “Ancestral Night” the second “Machine”. Different Characters but same universe. It’s also mostly hard SF Space Opera with lots of representation across the board – gender identities, sexual orientation, race, disabilities. There are also a lot of different aliens and some philosophical conversations about a number of things. The center in each book is a cosmic mystery.
      Rather similar in some ways but darker is “The Last Human” by Zack Jordan. Lots of aliens, a lone tiny human among them and a big mystery in the middle.
      Another series in the same genre is the Finder Chronicles by Suzanne Palmer. First book: “Finder”, the second “Driving the Deep”. The main Character is a male human, but there is a very diverse supporting cast over various genders, species etc. Each book focuses on a unique environment: the first, a conglomeration of rust bucket space stations; the second, a claustrophobic underwater realm on Enceladus.
      And then there is Jim C. Hines’ Janitors of the Post-Apocalypse, a Space Opera where the janitors are the heroes. Female viewpoint character. A very fun read. First book is “Terminal Alliance”, the second “Terminal Uprising”.
      If you also like Superheroes: I very much enjoyed the Dark/Spark books by James Alan Gardner
      “All Those Explosions Were Someone Else’s Fault” and “They Promised Me the Gun Wasn’t Loaded”. Overlapping Characters but different viewpoint. It’s about four female students who become superheroes and it’s a lot of fun.
      I hope that helps.

      1. Autumn*

        Seconding Wells’ Murderbot series – the first four are long novellas published separately, and i just devoured them like candy, and then gave them to everyone I could, who also devoured them. I also loved her Raksura books, which are shape-shifting fantasy adventures, with great and inventive world-building. The Il-Rien books didn’t do it for me at all though, too much as you say “inexplicable magic”!

    5. Purt’s Peas*

      The Ninefox Gambit by Yoon Ha Lee. It’s a bit opaque in the beginning, but it’s a space opera where math is “calendrical math”—auspicious days and holidays celebrated on exactly the right date power the strange technology of an empire. It sounds a little strange to describe, but the characters are really vivid, and I found it incredibly gripping.

    6. Buni*

      Massively recommend ‘Invisible Planets’, ed. (& in many cases translated) by Ken Liu. It’s an anthology of new sci-fi short stories from exclusively Chinese writers. Really interesting to see the way a different even contemporary culture impacts on its writers’ visions of the future, very different in many ways from Western writing.

      1. Buni*

        Meant to say they’re mostly – but by no means all – along the Cyberpunk / Bladerunner type of lines. Not so much ‘fantasy in space’ as ‘this is realistically where we could end up’.

    7. Rock Prof*

      Thank you for asking this! I’m interested in all these recommendations too, as I’m currently finishing up the Wayfarers books. All the rest of the books in my “to read” stack are feeling too dystopian to tackle right now (non-fiction about climate change).
      I’d also recommend Exit West. It’s on the speculative fiction (fantasy?) side, set in the near future and focuses around immigration and sense of place.

    8. Natalie*

      Hopefully you don’t mind if I tag on a related question? My husband likes fantasy, two authors I know he enjoys are Brandon Sanderson and Patrick Rothfuss. He has all their books so I’m curious about other authors that might be similar? Women, non-US, and/or people of color would be a big plus, he’s trying to expand his bookshelf.

      1. OtterB*

        Not new, but he might try Elizabeth Moon’s The Deed of Paksenarrion (three fairly short books available in omnibus form. ) There’s also a sequel set of 5, Paladin’s Legacy, beginning with Oath of Fealty.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            just fyi for other readers later – book 3 gets a trigger warning for rape & torture

      2. Telgar*

        – Zen Cho: “Sorcerer to the Crown”. About a black (the only one) sorcerer in Regency London.
        – Trudi Canavan: “Thief’s Magic” (first book of the Millenum’s Rule Series): multiverse-hopping fantasy
        – Robin Hobb: “Assassin’s Apprentice” and all that follows.
        – Also as recommended by AcademiaNut I second “The Goblin Emperor”

      3. Jules the 3rd*

        I love Rothfuss, so he might also like Lois McMaster Bujold’s ‘World of Five Gods’ series. Her scifi Vorkosigan Saga is also first rate. _Hallowed Hunt_, _Curse of Chalion_, _Paladin of Souls_, and several stories and novellas.

        I often dig into Hugo awards and nominees to find new authors; LMB won Hugos for both these series.

        1. Natalie*

          Great tip, thank you! We had an amazing bookstore here named after the same Hugo, which would normally be my resource, but it was destroyed during the uprisings this summer.

          I was able to find a T Kingfisher book locally and I’ll look for World of Five Gods as well.

      4. Ann O'nymous*

        I read an excellent trilogy this year by S. A. Chakraborty. The first one is called City of Bronze. I read it, my friend (who also likes fantasy) ready it and loved it, and a second friend (who isn’t usually a fan of fantasy) also loved it!

    9. OtterB*

      Have you read any of the Liaden Universe series by Sharon Lee and Steve Miller? Space opera with strong romantic subplots. Traders in space, a culture with a strong sense of honor and etiquette expectations, the occasional alien (giant turtles!), some magic-ish in that there are people with mental powers. It’s still being added to – book twenty-something is just out. The first published book was Agent of Change but there are a couple of other on-ramps.

      I haven’t read them – the first is somewhere in the house, I need to find it over Christmas – but I’ve heard a lot of good things about Ada Palmer’s series that begins with Too Like the Lightning.

      Also Arkady Martine’s A Memory Called Empire. Diplomacy and intrigue in the interstellar realm.

      1. Nicki Name*

        Seconding A Memory Called Empire! It won a Hugo and deservingly so. It’s very close to Leckie– space opera with a lot of Sufficiently Advanced Technology and a strong interest in how different societies work.

      2. Rock Prof*

        Thirding A Memory Called Empire! It’s one of the best books I’ve read all year. I’ve been recommending it to everyone I know, particularly those who like Ann Leckie’s work.

        1. Lady Alys*

          Fourthing! Can’t wait for the next one!

          (Also thirding or fourthing “The Goblin Emperor,” it is a *total* comfort read in these days, featuring as it does intelligent, kind, and competent leaders.)

    10. GoryDetails*

      Seconding T. Kingfisher (aka Ursula Vernon) and Seanan McGuire (aka Mira Grant). I’m also enjoying SLEEPING GIANTS via audiobook.

      Alison’s recommended book HENCH sounds pretty awesome as well, though I’m not sure where it lies on the SF spectrum. It reminded me of the anthology THE MAD SCIENTIST’S GUIDE TO WORLD DOMINATION, which features a variety of takes on mad scientist/evil genius tropes, with several of the tales featuring hench-folk of one kind or another.

      Not that recent, but a very enjoyable comedy/SF romp: EMPEROR MOLLUSK vs. THE SINISTER BRAIN by A. Lee Martinez.

      1. Not playing your game anymore*

        Same. I just added Hench to my Audible TBR pile because it was ringing all the THE MAD SCIENTIST’S GUIDE TO WORLD DOMINATION bells.

        I loved that one. I also feel like Vicious By: V. E. Schwab has kind of that vibe.

    11. Artemesia*

      I am not at all a fantasy buff but loved SciFi back in the golden ages. One space opera that I really enjoyed was Bujold’s Vorkosigan books if you haven’t already done those. She also writes a couple of series that are more fantasy/magic oriented but I don’t like that stuff and so can’t speak to those. If you haven’t done them and want to the first book is: Shards of Honor followed by Barayar.

      1. OtterB*

        I am a fan of Bujold in all forms; I like the Vorkosigan books but I also like her fantasies.

        Folks who like The Goblin Emperor (count me among them) may also like Bujold’s novellas about Penric and Desdemona, beginning with Penric’s Demon. It takes place in her Five Gods universe (also called the Chalion books) and it shares the Goblin Emperor’s bent toward valuing kindness.

      2. SpellingBee*

        Yes, yes, yes to Bujold – the Vorkosigan series is my favorite, have read them all a number of times; Chalion books are second favorite, and I actually just bought the latest Penric story and am saving it for Christmas Day as a special treat. The Sharing Knife books are okay but I didn’t love them and haven’t re-read.

        I also like Elizabeth Moon’s space operas – she has 2 series (Vatta and Serrano) both are excellent.

        Am I the only one who doesn’t like Anne Leckie’s Ancillary series? I want to like it and I’ve tried several times, but I just can’t. I do love Murderbot, though!

    13. PostalMixup*

      Have you read The Stars Now Unclaimed by Drew Williams? Space Opera set in the far future, in which some sort of super weapon has sent the universe’s capabilities back to pre-technology eras. Protagonist is collecting kids with superpowers that are the universe’s only hope to defeating the supervillain aliens.

    14. Seeking Second Childhood*

      How about unfortunately overlooked excellent older science fiction? I’ve run across too many people lately who haven’t heard of one of my favorites: “The Demolished Man” by Alfred Bester is the best hard sf look at telepathy I’ve read. (Fans of Babylon 5 will recognize the author’s name because Walter Koenig’s psy-cop character was named after him.)

    15. Lady Alys*

      I don’t think he can be called “science fiction” by any stretch of the imagination, but you might enjoy Terry Pratchett (unfortunately deceased within the past few years after developing a rare form of early-onset dementia). He wrote a LOT of books, mostly set in the same world, which could be described as a cross between Monty Python and Middle Earth. The early books are entertainingly silly, but got richer as he got better. My favorite sub-group of the books are the ones about the City Watch (use and abuse of political power) but he adresses everything from rock ‘n’ roll to the invention of the internet in various other books. The last three or four, however, were written after he lost the ability to do the writing and revising himself, forcing him to dictate to others. His publisher did not do him any kindness by putting them in print. But read the rest! Especially if you like Ann Leckie’s and Becky Chambers’ humor, Pratchett might be right up your alley.

    16. Jenny F. Scientist*

      I just read “A Deadly Education” and enjoyed it more than anything else I’ve read all year! School fantasy, but kind of darker. Just barely not too dark for this year (for me).

  3. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone writing going? As usual, this thread is not limited to fiction writing.
    I went ahead and wrote those loose scenes anyway, and now I’m hoping I will eventually end up with enough of those to make a coherent whole ^^’

    1. river*

      I’m working on my second draft, and it’s a lot of work because I decided to change a fundamental aspect of the main character, so every chapter needs to be at least partially rewritten, even though the plot doesn’t change much. It’s so confusing sorting it out. I’m finding it hard, especially mentally.
      I use Scrivener. The project size is getting unwieldy. I’m worried about inconsistencies getting through. So far I’ve tried changing the colour of the words, green for new and black for old. It’d be easier to rewrite the whole thing, but so much of the old is good (my first drafts are pretty thorough), it’s a lot of work (100,000 words), and rewriting is much less interesting than writing it the first time, so I’m reluctant to commit to it.
      Any suggestions would be welcome, especially how to organise myself.

      1. Teatime is Goodtime*

        Hmm. Often when I get bogged down and confused about my own writing, especially due to length, I do two things:
        1) Outlining. I made a short synopsis-like paragraph for each chapter with all the most important bits, like plot points, writing structure stuff, character development and/or whatever else. Depth and length depend on the need, how much trouble I am having and what my troubles are. But that way when I get myself confused, I can always refer back to a document that’s maybe 15 pages long instead of 150.

        Occasionally, I’ve made progress maps along the same lines, where I mark in a separate document what I’ve done for each chapter in a re-write. So the document starts out with the chapters listed, one line each, and then when I work on something, I write there what I changed or did. Sometimes I mark what still needs to be done. So it might read something like this:
        Chapter 10: Complete rewrite, added story about tunnel, cut joke about books, needs further edit, polish & double check that tunnel story isn’t anywhere else in the book.

        2) Printing the darn thing out. Might feel wasteful, but there’s nothing like actually moving pages physically, or going through and marking with an actual pen.

      2. saltedchocolatechip*

        Currently on a second draft too! Like Teatime I made a chapter by chapter outline about what *should* happen now in this snapper (three bullet points, one for each POV section per chapter) and I’m using that as I edit chapter by chapter.

        I’ve used Scrivener and loved that you could kind of focus in on a chapter so I came up with a Word doc system that allows for zooming in on one chapter (while keeping the rest of the novel together for easy ctrl-f uses!) and I think you might like it given your tracking question…

        Word Doc 1: my full working draft.
        Word Doc 2: “in progress” doc, which is the chapter (and only that chapter) that I’m currently focusing on. I have tracked changes on while I work on it and when I’m done, I copy without tracked changes to Doc 1 and WITH tracked to Doc 3, then delete from this doc and copy in the next chapter I’m working on.
        Word Doc 3: Tracked changes versions of every chapter I’ve edited so far, copied from Doc 2 as they’re finished.

        So at the end I’ll have a clean working doc and a tracked changes version — they won’t be exactly the same because I tinker a little in the working draft as I go. You could skip the third doc and just keep track changes on in your first doc? But for me I like knowing my working doc is “final” but if I ever think “hey did I drop something I didn’t mean to” I can go search the track changes one.

        Hope that made sense and was helpful!!

        1. river*

          Thanks Teatime is Goodtime and saltedchocolatechip for your ideas! I like the progress map and the “in progress” doc, both useful ideas. I will try to implement them and see if I can get a better handle on it. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed, so I think dealing with more manageable pieces is important.

      3. RagingADHD*

        Are you using the Scrivener cards and tags? I find that very helpful.

        You can also split and re-merge documents very easily. So if you have a long scene to work through, you could split off each section as you finish it to keep track.

        Sometimes, for really detailed editing I break busy chapters down into “French scenes” like in a play – whenever someone enters or exits. That helps you get granular.

        I also like the revision “punch list” method from Writability. Very helpful.

        http://avajae.blogspot.com/2015/03/how-not-to-get-overwhelmed-with.html?m=1

    2. Beancat*

      I’m working on my second zine plus a fandom exchange and I’m frankly a little burnt out. I’ve been ignoring my burnout for a few years now and I’m not nearly as prolific as I used to be. It bothers me immensely :(

    3. Teatime is Goodtime*

      Stalled at the moment, unfortunately. I have so much to do! I also have too many hobbies and too many projects and don’t quite know where to start so that I can actually finish things and cross stuff off my list. Well, lists. And inevitably, if I start in on one thing, that inspires me and I beget another 10 projects and… argh. Which is all to say that my goal is to get my thoughts and feelings in order by the end of the year so I can start 2021 on a more organized foot.

      1. Artemesia*

        I was planning to catch my travel blog/photo journal up and have done a couple of new posts — but I should have been able to do 10 or 15 with the time I have.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      Well, I got the cover made for Book 2. That’s about it. Mom’s home now and has to be supervised (she’s doing well but you have to sit with her while she’s eating and be handy if she needs to get up or go to the bathroom, etc.). I bought a 2-way baby monitor (I dubbed it the “Momitor,” lol) so if she needs to get up in the night or if I’m downstairs, she can call me and I can go “What?” Some family has committed to staying over, but I’m going to be waking up at night for a while, I guess.

      I can’t work when I’m upstairs with her; I can’t think while the TV is on and her TV is always on. Plus I have to study for that certification and keep applying to jobs. Applying I can do while I sit with her, but I can probably do some editing after she’s in bed. She goes to bed fairly early (always has).

      I’m pretty happy with the cover. It has a vintage vibe to it. :)

    5. RagingADHD*

      Got great feedback from the editor on the nonfiction manuscript for work, but she agreed that it needed some structural changes and made really useful suggestions on how to fix it.

      Fixed it, sent to client, waiting to hear back if they like it. (I think they will – I’ve been talking to them for a year now, I should hope I have a pretty good sense of their taste.)

      No writing planned now until after New Year’s – we are in full Christmas Elf mode.

    6. Nela*

      No work on my nonfiction book revision again, hopefully tomorrow? Partner has a working Sunday, and I’m staying home so I might as well “work” too…

      I started working on two small comics/illustrated essays/journal entries, not sure even what to call it. It’s an experiment with a different format because I want to integrate my drawing and writing more. Right now they’re almost entirely separate and it started to bug me.

    7. Mystic*

      Hey, I tend to write too. I write fanfiction on A03 and so far, I’ve been able to post almost every day for the past week. I’m hoping to keep it going!

      You’ll probably end up with a whole without even realizing it.

  4. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    As usual, this thread is not limited to video games or even “real” games (which is a meaningless term anyway).Also feel free to ask for recommendations or help tracking down a vaguely remembered childhood favourite.
    I’m still chugging along with Sherlock Holmes vs Arsène Lupin. Also played some Age of Empires 2 for the first time in about a year XD.
    I’m also sitting here watching the whole Cyberpunk 2077 thing go down and just…*le sigh* 2020 is becoming the year of “why you shouldn’t jump onto the newest shiny thing immediately” isn’t it?

    1. Gingerblue*

      I’ve been playing a lot of The Long Dark, a bleakly gorgeous Canadian survival game, and trying to get back to Cities Skylines.

      1. Squeebird*

        I love the Long Dark! I find I can’t play it in the winter though because I’m already cold and it makes me feel even colder…!

        1. Gingerblue*

          I tend to get really into it for a few days at a time, and then realize it’s affecting my mood and I need to play something more cheerful for a while! You can only be eaten by so many wolves before it’s a real downer…

      2. GoryDetails*

        The Long Dark sounds pretty cool! I don’t play a lot of online games but could get into a solo survival game like that.

        Am participating in a weekly Zoom FRP game with family, this one with a steampunk/fantasy-world/time-travel setting.

        1. Gingerblue*

          If that sounds good, I also highly recommend Subnautica, in which you’re a survivor of a spaceship which has crash-landed on an alien planet which is mostly water. You start out floating in your little ejection pod and catching fish by hand and holding your breath underwater, and gradually pick up the tools and blueprints and materials to build submarines and underwater bases. It’s beautiful and the progression is very satisfying.

          I wish my family could be convinced to play RPGs together! I hope your game was good.

    2. Beancat*

      I started this indie game called Calico and it’s super cute! You play as a magical girl rebuilding a cat cafe. There’s a lot of inclusiveness in the cast and adorable animals…but there’s so many glitches. Last night a giant cat knocked me out of bounds and into the water during a real time rendered cutscene, and there was no way for me to get back onto land with the invisible walls, so I have to start that day over.

      1. Beancat*

        Oops, hit enter too soon. But it’s an adorable game and it makes me very happy! :) I just hope we can get a patch soon so I can enjoy it even more!

    3. Just A Guy In A Cube*

      Got my parents Karuba and hoping this weekend to try out some FaceTime Karuba with grandkids

    4. DarthVelma*

      My partner has become completely consumed with Cyberpunk 2077. He has a really good gaming PC setup and hasn’t been having issues like the folks trying to play on older consoles.

      The down side is I’ve lost my gaming partner. I’m hoping to get in a little ESO with my secondary character this weekend and maybe by the week between xmas and new years, he’ll be ready to get back to helping my main character get that pot for his head. :-)

      I’m hoping to get some tabletop gaming in during that week off as well. It’s been a really long time and I think I’m about ready to fight monsters or eldritch horrors or even spaceships again.

    5. Aealias*

      I’m slowly, slowly working my way into WoW Shadowlands – I’ve been RPing the story-line with a friend, so it’s slow going but hugely more fun for me.
      I bought Diceforge better than a year ago, but hubby and I finally played it recently, and it lived up to my hopes. Unique mechanics but accessible gameplay, slightly reminiscent of Agricola in the competition for actions, but I find it less frustrating. We’re planning another game tonight, replayability is looking good.
      My D&D group cancelled our last meetup because local cases were climbing, and we’re now under pretty strict restrictions, so I don’t expect we’ll continue the campaign any time soon. Which is so disappointing, because I JUST finished making little figures for everyone.

      1. Jackalope*

        I know Zoom fatigue is a real and awful thing, so if this doesn’t work for you then ignore, but we started our D&D game on Zoom and have continued that way since April or May or something and it’s worked really well. Maybe youall could do that?

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Guild Wars 2 … my family is currently searching for the fourth hidden key in Troll’s Revenge for Wintersday.
      It’s a game type that’s been getting annoying — scavenger hunts for which we’re given almost no clue, so it’s far too tempting to just hop on the wiki and look for an answer.

    8. Belgica*

      I would love some suggestions for video games to buy as a Christmas present for my husband! He likes puzzle and adventure games mostly. His favorite game growing up was Puzzle Pirates, and recently he’s been enjoying playing Zelda (Nintendo Switch) and Ratchet and Clank (PS). I know absolutely nothing about video games so any recommendations would be super helpful!

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        I hope you’ll see this in time, so here goes:
        1) When in doubt, most game stores (online and physical) nowadays have gift cards, so you can always go with those of necessary. In the case of PlayStation, do make sure you don’t accidentally buy him a gift card for a PS Plus subscription (unless he uses that service, of course)
        2) Psychonauts. It’s a puzzle game where you venture into the minds of people to try and fix their issues.
        3) Immortals: Fenyx Rising. This is an Ubisoft game that is not so subtly inspired by Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. I haven’t tried this one personally, but I’ve heard good things.
        3) The Luigi’s Mansion games. You play as Mario’s cowardly brother who ends up in haunted mansions no less than three times, where he has to fight ghost using a vacuum cleaner. You’d think he’d learn his lesson after the first time, but you’d be wrong.
        4) Super Mario Odyssey. Mario has definitely come a long way since his NES days.
        Others may have other recommendations, this genre isn’t my forte. I also have some recommendations for puzzle games that are considered Visual Novels by many:
        1) The Layton series. It’s latest installment featuring professor Layton daughter is available on Switch.
        2) The Ace Attorney series. The original trilogy recently came out on pretty much every modern console. You play as a lawyer during some pretty zany cases that nonetheless manage to be heartbreaking (with some healthy doses of nightmare fuel). The main gameplay element is spotting contradictions to solve the case.
        Based on the examples you gave I think the first ones in the list should be more up his alley, but you know your husband best.

        1. Beancat*

          To be fair, E. Gadd pulled Luigi into mansion two. My boy was just trying to enjoy some well-deserved time off and watch some TV ;)

          But I’m here to second Luigi’s Mansion, Layton, and Ace Attorney! I’ll also toss in Murder By Numbers, which is a picross visual novel that gives me Ace Attorney vibes.

    9. Quinalla*

      Our twice monthly D&D game on zoom & fantasy grounds is still going strong! Playing a mix of Monster Train, DOTA2 (only with bots and friends), DDO, Frostpunk and This War of Mine on Steam/PC. Haven’t had the energy to play tabletop board games in awhile unfortunately, but my whole family has this week off, so we’ll be playing some this week, we have a stack of unplayed stuff so should be fun :) Really miss our monthly board gaming crew, but haven’t found a way to make it virtual, too many of the people have video conference fatigue :(

    10. String Theory*

      I went back to Skyrim after almost a year of not gaming. My husband is currently enthralled in Cyberpunk 2077. And after reading the comments I’m considering giving The Long Dark a try. Maybe ESO as well. I don’t have a lot of down time over the holidays and Skyrim is the comfort food of gaming for me, so I keep going back to it over and over.

  5. Lena Clare*

    I had a discussion on here a few months ago about feeling guilty because I’d decided to leave a uni course after people had invested in me doing it.

    Well short update, I passed my final-delayed-due-to-Covid-assignment which means I now have a Postgrad Certificate. Absolutely delighted!
    I still don’t know if I’m returning next year for a Diploma or even the Masters, but that’s another discussion.

    It has been such hard hard work and this year has been crappy, but this achievement has been a highlight for me.

    What has been your highlight this year?

    1. Retail Not Retail*

      My life is the same as it was this time last year – low paying job, living at home at 31 (now 32!). But i have changed some things medically so I mentally feel better and I got some experimental hip therapy although it still gives me problems. Maybe next spring we’ll be good enough to go kayaking!

      I also tried new part time jobs this year and hope one will return, covid willing. One was one day of canvassing. Good money, but I wasn’t comfortable with the lack of info and it was the first week of September AND my hip screamed after 8 hours. My other job was groundskeeping at a stadium for minor league baseball games! I love baseball! Hell yeah! In March, we got an email that said “anyone want to work tonight’s soccer game?” (We did light security) and then 40 minutes later, “nevermind, sports are cancelled we’ll be in touch”. I also learned new skills at my full time job due to the decimation of our regular and work release staff.

      So I guess I’m proud of my mental stability but I feel like I cheated at 2020 since my job didn’t change, no being stuck at home since March for me!

      2. Marion Ravenwood*

        Congratulations!

        My big highlight was buying my own flat (which doesn’t look like it will go through in 2020 but will hopefully be a fresh start in 2021). And just getting through this year to be honest – I’ve had two house moves, been furloughed (and rehired), survived a restructure at work, had my divorce finalised, and have still managed to improve my performance at work, maintain my relationship (we celebrated our first anniversary as an ‘official’ couple on Friday!), save a bit of money and just generally managed to hold it all together.

    3. Just A Guy In A Cube*

      I started therapy this year specifically to deal with recurring frustrations that were leading me to lose my temper, and over the last couple weeks my toddler’s bedtime has been a multi-hour disaster, which has been really frustrating and demoralizing. And … in therapy we’d talked about feeling tension in my body being my trigger to notice and say “I need to do something about this recurring frustration”, and then I need to analyze the situation to figure out what the specific triggers are (she’s not cooperating with my plan, and it’s incredibly demoralizing to come downstairs to a bunch of dirty dishes), and then I need to change my approach. So the last week or so toddler bedtime has continued to be a disaster, but when it starts to go that way, I’ve just brought her downstairs to do dishes with me, then we’ve gone up for bedtime round 2, and it’s still not great how long and drawn out the bedtimes are, but I’m not getting at all frustrated or upset, and the dishes are still getting cleaned. So bedtimes are going better AND the thing I started therapy for has actually gotten better!

      2. (A different) Susan*

        Toddler years are SO hard. Congratulations on both doing the useful thing for yourself, and making it through this year with your child!

      3. Jean (just Jean)*

        Thanks for your post which inspired my own answer to the “what went especially well?” question.

        More to the point, many compliments to you! Your solution is genius! Standing up and cheering here as the parent of a formerly challenging toddler (and small child and larger child) here.

        Your solution gets you unstuck from being frustrated when you can’t move on to do the dishes. You also get your toddler unstuck from frustration when she can’t fall asleep. (It also stops escalating her distress because she’s no longer picking up on all of your frustration vibes.) You provide a powerful model of responding positively to a problem. You are retraining two brains, yours and hers, to find “what works.” Instead of insisting “we have to do it this one way because that’s the way it’s supposed to be,” you are saying “okay, we’re stuck here, what way of getting unstuck works best for us/ in this family/ in this time?” This is so great because you’re not just giving her the fish (magic bedtime) but teaching her that there are multiple ways to find a fish.

        I wish I had this world monopoly on total wisdom when our child was younger. I loved and love him dearly and he knows it (and feels the same way back) but at times it was a very hard road. With insights like yours the road will become easier much sooner, and then you get to enjoy each other’s company much more, and isn’t that the point of having children / being family?

    6. allathian*

      Congratulations on passing the certificate!

      I also passed a professional certificate this year. Originally it was supposed to be completed by May, but there were some Covid-related delays. It was tough at times, but I’m glad I did it.

    7. Sleepless*

      I haven’t been trapped at home, because I’m in an essential sector that can’t be done from home. It’s a little scary, but no scares so far. My entire profession has had to alter how we do a bunch of things, and for reasons nobody quite understands, we’ve been insanely busy. It has been an incredibly challenging year, but…it’s been really good too. I changed jobs at the beginning of the year and this job is superior to the old one in almost every way; I can’t imagine going through all of this at my old workplace.

      I learned a new and completely unrelated skill this year too! I’m a bookkeeper! I took over doing the books for my husband’s tiny company, and through a combination of some very patient sessions with our consultant who set up our Quickbooks, a bunch of searches on Intuit’s website, and one of their online classes, I’ve learned how to use Quickbooks and some basic accounting. My day gig isn’t anything remotely related to finance or accounting, so it was a big learning curve, but I feel so smart.

    8. Rebecca Stewart*

      We moved.
      We are a three person family, and my girlfriend has a ruptured disc in her lower back and really needed a house with a groundfloor bedroom. We found a slightly smaller but better laid out house for us, and our mortgage payment is less and we had enough extra to live on for quite some time between his layoff in July and now.
      The house is the opposite of open-plan, which we all like very much, and there’s a sunroom on the back the cats like. I have put bird feeders out so they can enjoy live Cat TV.

      Also we got a third cat. The Cat Jeoffrey is a pale grey tabby boy who is three months old, and very definitely all that and then some.

      So while this year has been hard, it’s had some very nice moments in it for me and mine.

    9. Paddling as fast as I can*

      2020 has been a year for me. I got a new job in January (yay and still working even better) Finally doing what I love (HR) Then well Covid came so we had to lay off and I survived that one. Helped people navigate unemployment (which fortunately I know very well in my state) Opened again very little but we did fine during that time in fact very well then we got shut down again this time I only survived being laid off as some one tested positive and had to stay home. We are open again and really looking forward to next year but this year. I got the job rewrote all the policies and saved my company 75K in spending!!! Finally a job I love with management that cares and I feel great

  7. perpetually unkempt*

    Friends of AAM, I need some fashion help.

    I can put together an outfit like anything. I look great when I am standing or sitting still.

    In motion, I am a disaster, and I don’t know why, unless the wind itself harbors a grudge against me.

    I have never in my life been able to get the hood on a jacket, cloak, or scarf to actually stay up on my head. It always billows up with air when I start walking and falls off. I’ve given up on hats because I can never find them small enough so they always fly off at the faintest gust. When I’m walking down the street my bangs fly all around, even though when I look at other people their hair is just fine. Hairspray doesn’t keep them in place, but it makes my hair visibly crunchy.

    My scarves unknot themselves no matter what fabric they’re made of, even wool and cashmere. If I pin the knot, the scarf itself will slide around my neck, and the pins big enough to hold a scarf knot are too big to put through a shirt. The ends come untucked from inside my jacket and flap around.

    My question is, how do I fix this? I don’t think it’s just an error of my perception because I watch other people when this is happening to see if they are similarly effected and their scarves and hoods are fine. I know it’s noticeable to others because my friends have commented on it before or reached out to try to fix my accessories. It feels like everyone else was given some kind of special instructions that I wasn’t.

    How do you get your accessories to stay decorously on you? Tell me your secrets!

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I am chuckling. I gave up on umbrellas because I could seriously injure someone. As you say here, I watched others and they seem to have NO problem. Disturbingly, my umbrella would turn itself inside out, removing any hope of collapsing it back down ever again. It was really awkward to figure out what to do with this broken umbrella.
      All I could conclude is that people who are used to umbrellas teach others how to keep it under control.

      I like scarves. But they seem to be needless complexity. They end up in my way if they are part of my outfit. If they are outer wear I seem to lose them often. I wear a lot of turtlenecks when the weather gets bitter cold.

      I think larger hoods work better for me somehow? If the front of the hood reaches my eyebrows, there seems to be more weight there so it is less apt to blow off my head. I like headbands for my ears.

      When winter is at its worst, I opt for less and less accessories. What I like about this, is that it seems to be enough to take care of my car and get somewhere safely that accessories feel like MORE work and more things to keep track of. Maybe you just are trying too hard and less would be more for you?

      1. Jemima Bond*

        Ah umbrellas. A few minutes being a bit drier then ages wrestling a wet pterodactyl.
        Seriously tip though, try to point it into the wind and it should go inside out less.

        Perpetually – some ideas in case you haven’t tried them:
        Scarves – I usually put them on before my coat, just overlapping them in front then buttoning my coat over to hold in place, which usually seems to work. You could pin (to your clothes underneath) the overlap which would be flatter/thinner than a knot. NB if you have a short jacket and a long scarf with a wool fringe, beware of “scarf pubes” lol!
        Re hats or a knitted/wool headband, could you get a friend to knit or crochet you one to size so it’s snug? Or how about a cowl or mobius loop scarf so there are no ends to come untied?

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          I wear pashmina scarves in the European style, which means folding the scarf in the middle, then placing it around the neck and looping the ends through the fold. It seems to hold in place.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Also, if you (oh help let’s see if I can describe this reasonably) put one end through the fold, twist the fold 180 degrees around, and then put the other end through the fold on the other side of the twist from the first end? you get a “knot” that sort of looks like a diamond-ways hashtag, it looks pretty and lays relatively flat.

          2. Purt’s Peas*

            I wear a pretty neat knot my pashmina scarves—start it in the European style as you describe, but the first scarf end goes under and over through the loop, and then the second scarf end goes over and under through the loop. It’s a pretty nice woven effect and gives amazing coverage.

          3. Dear liza dear liza*

            This is how I wear winter scarfs. I saw someone do that when I was 30 or so, and suddenly mufflers made sense!

            For pretty scarves, I like the infinity versions. Loop loop done.

        2. DistantAudacity*

          And also, there’s a great deal of quality differences on brollys. The ones I’ve paid a bit more for hold way better (sturdiness of the spines (?) and the mechanism) – I’ve given up on the cheap ones, as it just not worth the effort.

        3. Telgar*

          Also, if a wind gust does go under the umbrella, don’t try to hold it steady. Give a little and in the motion angle the umbrella so that the top is toward the wind.

          1. allathian*

            Yes, this. And it also ensures that the umbrella protects you from the rain. That said, I’ve all but stopped using umbrellas because I find them so awkward.

        4. Marillenbaum*

          I knit some, and for my nephews who are too small to safely wear scarves without strangling themselves, I do small cowls with a button and buttonhole to keep them in place. It works really well.

    2. DistantAudacity*

      I do not like scarves.

      However, I live in a cold climate, so they are a necessity in the winter. After quite a lot of experimentation and failed purchases, I have a few now that a) are in my colours and b) work with my coats. And stay put.

      I have a theory that it’s harder for me to find good scarves because I’m quite busty, so there’s already a lot going on in the chest area (don’t want to add more than necessary), and also my neck is quite short, so it can’t be too big or I’ll drown in it.

    3. Reba*

      Do you walk really fast? Do you have a secret magical breeze that follows only you? :)
      Maybe you would do well with an infinity scarf/ circle scarf. No ends to flap around. Or what about a snood? Or neck gaiter?

      1. Mella*

        I only wear infinity scarves, they’re great. No chance of falling into a puddle unnoticed–unless I experience decapitation, in which case accessorizing is probably not my biggest issue.

    4. Epsilon Delta*

      I can’t get hoods to stay up either. I think it’s because I’m especially short? That’s what I blame it on anyway. Not enough distance between my torso and the top of my head. The hood on my winter jacket has drawstrings that you can tighten, and that seems to have helped a bit (but I still feel like I am the only one who has to hold into their hood in the wind).

      Are you putting your scarf on under your coat? That should ensure the knot stays in place.

      1. pancakes*

        I’m pretty tall and they don’t stay up on me either! I live in a city where people tend to do a lot of walking, and the way the wind comes whipping around the bases of tall buildings, especially near the waterfront, makes me suspect that many of these garments are meant to be worn by people who drive to work. The wind thing has been studied – it’s called “the urban wind island effect.”

        1. perpetually unkempt*

          If I didn’t see the hood thing not happening to the other people near me I would blame the wind island effect–we do have a lot of tall buildings!

    5. Llellayena*

      As someone who’s head is between standard adult and kid sizing, I feel you on the hats! I actually found a hat that fits at a craft fair, so looking for a crafter that can make you something that fits is worth it. Etsy, maybe? Scarves I tend to go long, wrap it around a couple times and then hang onto the ends, because yes wind is an issue. I don’t bother with hoods, they’re usually too big on me and drop over my eyes and just catch all the wind. Oh and I have long, straight hair that loves to get tangled when it’s trapped under coats/scarves so my hair generally looks like a rats nest after the coat comes off if I’ve been walking around a while. Yep, not just you…

    6. Texan In Exile*

      I have been looking for (cheap) hatpins forever. I wear a hat when I am outdoors because glare and migraines and also I don’t need my face to turn into wrinkled leather any sooner than necessary.

      And the hat almost always wants to blow off if there is any breeze at all. These are hats that fit.

      I think it’s just the nature of the thing, which is why women 120 years ago had hatpins. (Which also, I have heard, double as self-defense weapons.)

      2. pancakes*

        You might have better luck with metal combs from a millinery supply shop. They’re small metal or plastic combs, small enough to be sewn to a thin hairband, but would almost certainly help keep a hat in place too. There are people on Etsy who sell small quantities of supplies like these.

    7. RagingADHD*

      I only do hoods on my sports parka with the drawstrings pulled. For hats, I wear something knit, or stretchy like a fleece cloche that pulls right down to my ears.

      For warm scarves, they get wrapped multiple times with long ends buttoned inside my coat, or I’ll use them as a “hood” with multiple wrappings. The ends come down to my waist. If yours are coming untucked, they’re too short.

      For hair, a good (pricey) haircut will always stay in place better than a cheap cut or an irregular, grown out cut. Good cuts have a shape that works with your hair texture, and the lack of split ends means less flyaways. I have made peace with the fact that I’m not willing to spend the money to have the kind of hair I really want. (And even if I were, I’m still not going to go into a hair salon in my area anytime soon. It’s bad around here.)

      For the rest, like hair or fashion scarves, I think you are underestimating how much “fixing” people do to themselves. Your friends aren’t just fixing you – they fix themselves all the time unconsciously, and they deliberately try to do it when people aren’t looking.

      And to a certain degree, our brains filter little gestures like that out because they are so common and meaningless. Think back to the spring when everyone suddenly became conscious of how often they touch their face! I even saw a public health person give a speech about safety that included “don’t touch your face” and she was touching her face *while she said it*.

      You’re not registering the fact that people zhuzz their hair and accessories so much, but they totally are.

    8. Not A Manager*

      It sounds like the issue is mostly keeping something on your head for warmth and also to keep your hair tidy.

      Here’s what I do, although it’s not “fashion” in any way. Before putting on my jacket: Put a wrap or shawl over my head with one long edge at about my hairline, and the rest hanging down my back. (Fold in half lengthwise if necessary so it doesn’t hang too low.) Loosely toss each end of the shawl over the opposite shoulder, with the ends hanging down my back. Now I put my jacket on and zip or button it.

      The closed jacket holds the shawl in place so it doesn’t unwrap. You can drape it as loosely or as tightly as you want for warmth or so it doesn’t fall back off your head. The light shawl keeps my head warm and protects my hair without mushing it into hat hair.

      If your shawl is very long, or if it still comes loose when the ends are over your shoulder in back, you can wrap the ends entirely around your neck and tuck them in front of your shoulders before you put your jacket on. I find a knot to be way too bulky.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Yes, this is a good description of what I meant about using a scarf as a hood. Most of my warm scarves are more like shawls/pashminas.

      2. perpetually unkempt*

        This is similar to something I’ve tried! Is there any trick you use to anchor the shawl on your hairline? I’ve tried this and when I walk around the “hood” part of the shawl fills with air and blows off.

        1. Batgirl*

          In that situation I would use a very slim, stretchy beanie on my hair, and a coarse tartany shawl over it. This would create friction and hopefully prevent slippage. You would need to pull the shawl taut, also.

    9. Jackalope*

      I don’t know if this would work for you, but I use a fleece neck gaiter instead of a scarf. It means less extra fabric to deal with and does a good job of keeping my neck nice and warm.

    10. Mella*

      Regarding hair specifically, is there any chance you’re just fighting your natural texture and losing?

      I struggled with messy frizz for years, frantically flat ironing and using all kinds of expensive leave-ins to no avail. My unruly “straight hair” was actually fried extremely wavy hair. I quit heat styling, switched to CGM products, and now my hair is calmer (though not smooth and sleek).

      1. perpetually unkempt*

        I don’t style my hair at all, but it’s slightly fried from some old bleach damage that I’m growing out. Could that be it? For the last few months I’ve been religiously Olaplexing it and also doing coconut oil treatments.

      3. Marillenbaum*

        This is also why I strongly recommend silk or satin scarves to cut down on the frizz. There are also satin-lined caps available if you prefer a slouchier, beanie look.

    11. Jay*

      I had the same issue with my hair for years. The only thing that worked was having it long enough to braid or put in a tight ponytail. I finally got a haircut that works with my hair – the stylist noticed my cowlick and the way my hair has wavy spots and curly spots. As someone said below, this is not a cheap haircut. My life is SO MUCH EASIER. It’s a short cut, so I wash it, either finger-comb it if I want to emphasize the curls or brush it to bring out the waves, and I’m off. Saves me at least 20-30 minutes in the morning, no lie. Doesn’t blow around in the wind. Life-changing.

      I finally figured out how to wear scarves about two years ago when I was 58, so don’t despair. If I want to wear it without my coat, I wrap it around my neck starting with the ends in back and bringing them around over my shoulders, then knot them loosely in front. I have to occasionally adjust it through the day but it’s no big deal. If I want one for warmth, I wrap it around my neck and zip or button my coat over it so the ends are under the coat.

      I also finally gave up and started wearing a knitted watch cap when it’s really cold out. Yes, it gives me hat head, but since my hair is short, I can usually fix that by running my fingers through it. Before I got this cut, I used earmuffs to keep my ears warm without messing up my hair. I like the hat better.

    12. TechWorker*

      Maybe I just wear different clothes to you? Haha.

      Scarves I mostly wear with coats and tuck inside the coat (then it’s not going anywhere). Hoods are worn only for rain purposes in which I fully embrace that I’m going to look a bit silly and just tighten the drawstring (other hoods always fall down as they do for you). I don’t wear hats, I wear a little knitted earmuff/headband. These actually cover your ears so they’re warm and if you get one the right size I’d struggle to see it coming off in much less than a gale :)

    13. 00ff00Claire*

      For scarves, I learned a method of wearing them a few years ago that seems to be more secure and warm. It only really works if you are wearing the scarf for warmth instead of as solely as a fashion accessory. It was taught to me as a good method dressing children for warmth during cold weather (I am from a warmer region wear scarves are more for fashion than warmth). You need a longish scarf that can reach your waist or just past it when you drape the scarf around your shoulders and let the ends hang down. I have also only done this with a thick, yarn knitted scarf that probably has more friction than say, a cashmere one. First drape the scarf so that it is on “backwards” – the middle of the scarf should be going across your throat and the two ends hanging down your back. (The best I can compare this to for a visual is a doctoral hood, but with two separate ends hanging down the back instead of a hood.) Next, cross the ends behind your neck and bring them around over your shoulders to the front so they are hanging down over your chest / front torso. It will be more secure if you put the scarf on first, then your coat over the scarf. As a bonus, you can pull the part across your throat up over your chin, similar to a gaiter, for extra warmth on your face.

    14. OperaArt*

      Use hat tape to make your hats effectively smaller. Hat tape is a foam strip, sticky on one side, that you put between the hat and the inside hat band. I have some arriving today as a matter of fact.

    15. Trillian*

      I never, ever did. I concluded that most clothes for women were meant for posing in and not for moving in. Given my choice, I live in technical clothing (absent-minded people NEED pockets!) and won’t wear or carry anything that can’t be attached to me or my bag. No umbrellas, no scarves; gloves only if it’s cold enough that I’ll immediately notice their absence. Wide-brimmed, waterproof hats, with a chin strap and a carabiner.

      1. Batgirl*

        Especially if you buy women’s clothes from the stores marketing to very young women. If their ads involve women frolicking in a field like a horse: avoid. The skimpiness and impracticality they offer is truly scandalous. My mother always told me to buy men’s scarves and children’s hats (she’s a pea head, I actually get along better with men’s hats) but more mature shops, especially with the shawl fashion, actually do better than they have done in the past.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        My fall down is that I am always thinking about the Next Thing. This means small stuff like scarves, hats, mittens and such often get forgotten. I can really relate to needing pockets or things that clip to me or my tote bag. When I get to work, the first thing is to pack the hat, etc into the tote bag.

        Oddly, when I did use umbrellas, I never left one behind. Probably because the thing was so very irritating.

    16. Artemesia*

      I get the hood on my winter down jacket to stay up by doing the scarf over the jacket — ie I loop the scarf under the hood and then use the scarf tightened at my neck to hold the top of the coat closed and it also keeps the hood in place. The top snaps strangle me especially if I am wearing a turtleneck. I am not heavy nor is my neck big, and I still can’t use that top strap to get a tight closure — and the bonus is, that it keeps the hood in place as well.

    17. I take tea*

      I have a friend who swears by Buff Multifuctional Headwear. It can be used as scarf or headband or headcover, lots of opportunities. It fits pretty snug.

    18. Mr Jingles*

      Hats: I’ve sewn a rubberband inside the hat only on the front, on the backside the robberband is loose and i slide my braid through. That way its nicely tucked against my head and sits tight. The band should have the same colour as the hat for this and be really snug so buy high quality. When a breeze comes you should also bow your head towards the wind so the hat gets pressed on instead of flying away. If the breeze is very stiff nothing helps but holding it up there with your hand.
      I never wear caps, I prefer earmuffs when it is cold or snuggly headbands.

    19. Batgirl*

      My tips for low-wind:
      -Pay out for a decent brolly, a transparent one with good reviews you can dome yourself with. Don’t use any umbrella in high wind though.
      – If you don’t want to fold your scarf under your coat, simply drape a blanket style one around your neck and cinch it with your coat belt. If no coat belt, scarf rings are good to add tension and secure knots.
      High winds:
      Stick to things which can lie flat to your head so they won’t ‘sail’. Gaiters, bandanas, stretchy hair bands, silk scarves, snoods, can keep your hair tucked away. Infinity scarves with a very loose weave resist wind quite well as a hood. Ordinary sweater hoodies under your coat are more fitted and snug to your head.
      You can pop a coat hood over the top to keep your head covering dry, but it will fall down periodically; this happens to everyone unless it has a drawstring and toggle.
      Sometimes you can put a hood over a hat, and the extra filling pulls the hood taut and the hood protects the hat from winds, if you find the right combination. A scarf pulled tightly around the neck of the hood can also secure the hood more.

    20. perpetually unkempt*

      Thank you all for the advice! I will be experimenting a lot over the next few weeks, especially with the knots recommended. My main challenge right now is that my warmest scarf is apparently much shorter than recommended!

  8. New habits*

    Are there any new habits you’ve started due to covid that you think you’ll keep going with even after it is over?

    I’ve starting cutting my own hair and I think I might continue with it.

    1. Walk walk walk*

      My dog and I start our day by walking 4 miles. I do believe I will continue. It helps her drain ber energy (she could go 10)

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        YES. My grocery bill decreased dramatically when I stopped being the one who did the wandering up and down the aisles going “ooh, that looks good.” (It also probably helped that I am no longer doing my grocery shopping right before lunchtime – in the before times, I did my shopping of a morning and picked up lunch for my family on the way home. Now I have both the groceries AND the lunch delivered.)

      2. Natalie*

        Definitely. We were already doing pickup, but the store that offered the best selection was very hit or miss on the actual fulfillment. During the pandemic so many other stores have really stepped their game up, and we save a ton.

      3. Lizard*

        THIS. One habit I do not miss is my pre-COVID routine of picking up something to make for dinner after work. Now I’m forced to plan my purchases with grocery pick up (which I tend to do only 1x per week) and my hunger induced impulse buys now are a thing of the past.

    3. nep*

      Applying hand sanitizer several times while I’m shopping–either at the supermarket or resale shops.
      And, not a habit per se, but I’ll definitely continue teaching my group exercise class online.

    4. StellaBella*

      I starting walking 4 miles a day on 26 March as we went into lockdown. Except for a handful of really bad weather days I have kept it up. I need it now too since I work remotely and eat more than before ugh. I cook at home all the time (since March have been out to eat 3 times only in summer, outside.). I also started to keep more cash on hand in the house just in case.

    5. Thankful for AAM*

      My husband and I walk 3 miles almost every evening. It has become a lovely way to connect and get me moving since no gym. I am sure we will continue that.
      I also cut his hair and mine. I plan to keep cutting mine but get professional cuts/clean ups once or twice a year. I was longing for him to get his cut by someone else but I think I finally figured out how to cut his so I am enjoying it more. Bonus is that if I cut both of us at the same time, he does all the clean up! lol
      I also started crocheting thanks to Alison and everyone here – I will keep doing that.

    6. CTT*

      I probably should have been doing this anyway, but: washing my sheets once a week. I started doing sheets and towels on Sundays and regular laundry on Wednesdays to give the days some distinction and I realized that changing my sheets every week was not that much of a pain, especially now that I live in an apartment with its own washer/dryer.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      Mask-wearing when I have a cold or feel like I might be getting one. I always wondered why we didn’t do that in the first place. I’d like to see it continue. I mean, “I might be coming down with something” has a much more loaded meaning now, am I right?

      1. Frankie Bergstein*

        I really like this! I may borrow this depending on if there’s a critical mass of folks who do it. By why not do this on planes and in the subway where it’s really crowded?

      2. Llama face!*

        I also plan to keep masking if potentially sick and I still need to go out. I wanted to start doing it for a few years already- ever since I started watching more shows from eastern parts of the world and saw it normalized there- but was too self-conscious to be the odd one out. Now I feel brave enough to keep doing it even if nobody else does.

      3. Thankful for AAM*

        I have a coworker who always did that, at least in the workroom. I will def keep wearing my mask as long as they let me in my public facing job.

      4. GoryDetails*

        Me too! Mask-wearing *and* better/more frequent hand-washing – habits that don’t cost me much time or effort and that should be effective in minimizing other illnesses.

      5. Retail Not Retail*

        I’m definitely breaking out a mask the next time a cold sore appears – the one that came last month was the fastest and least painful one ever. No touching!

      7. More Coffee Please*

        Totally agree! That’s the norm in places like Japan, and it makes so much sense. Plus, now that a significant portion of the population owns reusable cloth masks, I think there’s a chance people will actually continue this habit. I spent like $30 on 6 cute face masks – I want to find another reason to use them!

        2. Blackcat*

          I have spent a truly embarrassing amount of money on cute fabrics, and the entire family is decked out in awesome masks. It would be a shame to put them all away forever!

    8. another scientist*

      Baking my own bread! I came several months late to the sourdough game, but I’ve just branched out into rye flour and having so much fun with it.

    9. Not A Manager*

      Home fermentation, of all things. I’ve been making yogurt, buttermilk, and sauerkraut and it’s a lot easier (and less expensive) than buying it from the store and hoping to use it before it goes bad. I’ve been baking bread since the Before Times, but I’m still doing that also.

    11. Might be Spam*

      I’m going to keep wearing masks when I go for walks. My eyes are very sensitive to wind and I tear up so much, that I look like I’m crying. Tears running down my face. People ask me if I am alright. When I started wearing masks, the tears almost completely stopped. I think I was actually having allergic reactions. The mask keeps dust and pollen out of my sinuses that must have been triggering the tears.

    12. Erika22*

      More cooking experimentation! Though I cooked before, it was always so hard to motivate myself to cook something new, especially after work and then commuting home. Cooking something new has become a way to wind down after work, to be creative, and to have some time to myself! Plus, it’s a delight to have a craving for a food and think “let’s try making it” instead of feeling sad I can’t go to a restaurant and order it. For my week off work, I’ve actually made a list of the things I’ve been wanting to try making, and I’m genuinely excited to make a start!

    13. Quiet Liberal*

      We’ve realized we just don’t need to spend as much money as we did before COVID. It seems like I was going to get my hair colored and cut every five weeks only because the hairdresser prescheduled me on her calendar. I could have gone probably eight weeks between, but it just became routine. My hair is slowly becoming gray and it looks fine. I’ve trimmed my hair myself, but I really need a pro to do that. Like another poster, I’ll probably have a good cut done every six months or so, when it feels safe to do so again, but I’m done with color.

        1. Windchime*

          I stopped with color a couple of years ago and it’s finally all grown out. I’m a lot grayer than I thought, but I’m kinda OK with that. It’s just so freeing to not have to always be worrying about roots and my hair is so much healthier than when I was coloring it.

      2. Mella*

        Covid has made me up my color game, which is backwards from everyone else. My gray temples are so much more prominent when my face is covered, and my hair grows like dandelions. I’ve stepped up my coloring to every three weeks.

    14. Artemesia*

      yeah my hair is long and not thick anymore and I need it to be able to go up or in a pony since it is fine and frizzy and I am not willing to constantly ‘fix’ it and have the weather wreck it and a very short cut is not going to be good with this type of hair either. I was getting it trimmed but realized that I can do that adequately and it saves me 3o or 40 bucks every couple months. If I was getting an actual style cut it would be closer to a 100 but I don’t see that in my future. I always kind of hoped that by the time I got to be this age the style would be kaftans and shaved heads.

    16. Marillenbaum*

      Daily walks and Duolingo. I started learning Danish on the app–my dad grew up speaking it at home, but none of the kids learned it (neither his first wife nor my mom are speakers). I didn’t want us to lose it, so I’ve been going for a little over 250 days! We can have fairly simple conversations, and sometimes watch the same Danish-language shows on Netflix. It’s been a really lovely addition to my life, especially since I only do it for about five minutes a day, while I’m making my coffee or something.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Hej på dag. Hvordan har du det?
        I should reinstall Duolingo….we have friends in Denmark and their kids are learning English through our online calls better than we’re learning Danish.

  9. Loom?*

    Is anyone into weaving?

    It looks interesting and I’d like to start a new craft but for those who use a small loom like a 20 inch one, what do you make? I’m not into wall hangings and coasters. Do you make bath mats and small rugs?

    1. Dumpster Fire*

      My mom weaves, and has made beautiful chenille scarves; very nice placemats and kitchen-sized towels, table runners, etc. The scarves are wonderfully warm and cozy, and several more distant family members have asked when they’re getting their own.

    2. nep*

      This is yet another push for me…Glad you posted this.
      My grandma (long passed) used to make rugs. We’ve got her loom–in pieces, of course–in the rafters of the back shed. I have no idea whether it’s salvageable, but I am determined to take it down, study what we’ve got, and work on making it function again if at all possible.

      1. Dumpster Fire*

        Looms seem to last forever, and the “technology”, such as it is, doesn’t really change. If your grandma’s loom is structurally sound, you can probably buy the various parts that might have rusted (heddles, handles, etc) and get it working without too much difficulty.

          1. Dumpster Fire*

            My sister found a small table loom on the side of the road and picked it up. This one is probably 60 years old but the exact same model is still sold today. We looked it and it sells for $750 new. Someone else’s throwaway now has a new set of heddles (the dangly metal things that the lengthwise threads go through), a couple new handles, and is fully functional. It was actually a lot of fun to fiddle around with it and get all the moving parts, moving again!

    3. Keener*

      Ive seen people make beautiful cotton tea towels. They tend to be way more absorbent than commercially produced tea towels

    4. Can't Sit Still*

      I’ve just started weaving on a 15″ rigid heddle loom. It’s much easier on my hands than knitting. I regret buying the 15″, and I should have started with the 10″, like everyone told me to. The smaller the loom, the easier it is to transport, or use on the couch. At any rate, on a 20″ loom or smaller, you can weave scarves and stoles, placemats, towels and washcloths, rugs and pillows or basically anything that requires strips of fabric.

      I’m practicing on wool for now, because I have tons of really nice yarn I bought for knitting, like cashmere, silk, and yak, most of it hand dyed, some of it custom dyed to order, and I don’t want to use it on something I won’t be happy with. Once I’m confident in my weaving skills, I’m going to weave strips for a ruana, something I’ve wanted to do for a very long time.

    5. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

      I make hats on round looms and I’m working on my first afghan right now, using an infinity loom.
      It’s fun.

    6. Pippa K*

      Similar experience to some others here – I weave on a 16 inch rigid heddle loom and love it. It’s beginner friendly but versatile enough to be satisfying as you progress to more complicated projects. For example, there’s a way to weave things twice the width of the loom, which is how I made a regular-sized baby blanket on my little loom without having to sew panels together. I thought I might want a bigger or more complicated loom someday but have realized I’m pretty happy with my little rigid heddle. And just to add – I cannot knit, crochet, or sew, but weaving turns out to be the fiber craft for me!

      If you do try out the hobby, Syne Mitchell’s book Inventive Weaving on a Little Loom is great for beginners, as is Liz Gipson’s Weaving Made Easy.

    7. Shahiri*

      Weaving is great! And as others have said, you can easily make lots of square and rectangular fabric things like dish towels, napkins, etc on a small loom. One of my early projects when I was learning to weave was making some throw pillows which I really enjoyed.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      One extra thought for you – if you sew two panels together, you’ve got a wider panel. Sew four in the right pattern and add pockets and you’ve got the long elegant vest I adored when I was in college …. I’m still annoyed that that item vanished in a shared household situation.
      Narrow pieces make lovely trim for other garments.

  10. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    Plant question! I potted the “baby” off my spider plant the other day but I left it attached to mom for another few days to make sure it was still supported while it settled in and got the hang of living on its own. (This totally sounds like a metaphor for kids moving out, but I promise, I really do mean plants.) When I cut it loose, what should I do with the vine thing it grew on? Leave that attached to new plant, old plant, or cut it off from both of them? Will the old plant use the old vine again or just grow a new one next time? And how close to whichever plants I cut it from should I cut?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Also, tips for encouraging them to have more babies? I have no idea when I turned into such a plant person. Six months ago I was a black thumbed plant killer. Now I have 12 that are in various stages of doing really well. (Two of the air plants have babies too.)

      1. DistantAudacity*

        Starve’m a bit (no water), and then go back to treating it well seems to work for me (this happens naturally, ahem).

        It may just be seasonal/cyclical, though.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Haha, I had to set myself regular reminders on my phone for watering, because otherwise, yeah :) I don’t water all of them every time, but I check them all and see if they need it.

    2. Janne*

      I think you can let the vine thing be attached to the plant, and if the plant doesn’t need it anymore the vine will die. The plant can get nutrients back out of the vine when you let it die attached to the plant, so that’s an argument to not remove it before the vine is dead. I do this with leaves too, except when I think there’s a disease or something in the leaf (hasn’t happened yet, fortunately). I think it doesn’t matter much where you cut, I’d cut in a place that looks kind of good, so probably closer to the baby so that the baby doesn’t have a long vine sticking out.

      My approach for getting the spider plant to make more babies is to care for it as well as I can, and then hope. Good care includes lots of water, a new pot when it gets too big for the old pot (I look for roots sticking out from the bottom of the inner pot), good light (not direct sun) and house plant fertilizer once in a while. :)

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I am not sure how true it is, but I can remember a long time ago someone saying spider plants will have babies if they get pot-bound. I think I never followed it too closely because my plants seemed really good at making babies.

        1. Grits McGee*

          My parents live in South Louisiana where it’s warm enough to plant them outside in the ground, and they put out babies like you wouldn’t believe. Maybe it has more to do with good growing conditions (which would lead a plant to develop to the point of getting pot-bound)?

    3. Blue wall*

      When I cultivate the babies from my spider plants I pull the baby off and put it in atlas’s of water (just the base of the plant in water) to let it root this will take a few weeks. Once it is rooted, then I plant it in its own pot. I let the baby vine do it’s own thing.

  11. Home for the Holidays*

    I could use some advice. I’m off work this week and was really looking forward to giving myself some holiday cheer after this year.

    However, my spouse is seriously struggling with untreated depression and is also off work most of the week (not an optional thing unfortunately). And it’s majorly affecting my own moods/emotions as someone who is struggling with anxiety. I know the answer is always a therapist but I can’t make that happen in the next week.

    Does anyone have tips for how I can take care of myself while we are both trapped in the house? It’s NOT that I don’t want to be supportive, but right now he doesn’t want to talk, doesn’t want to be bothered, and I end up trying not to burst into tears all day feeling helpless, miserable, lonely, and frustrated. The loneliness feels selfish but it’s there. Due to covid I feel so trapped in the house and out of options and I’m beginning to really worry about myself.

    Just looking for ways to keep myself well while being in the same space.

    1. LNLN*

      My husband and I are both retired, so we are home together a lot. Things that help when I am feeling lonely include: calling friends and family, even/especially friends you haven’t been in touch with for a while, writing notes of gratitude to relatives, teachers, bosses or coworkers who have been supportive of you over the years, doing something kind for a friend or neighbor (I am baking cookies for a friend who has an ill relative staying with her while he has medical tests done), research volunteer work that can be done at a distance (I am looking for a “friendly visitor” program that is done telephonically), listen to an old favorite book in audio version (my library system has loads of audio books for borrow-I am listening to books from my childhood like The Secret Garden, The Princess and the Goblins, The Door in the Wall, and A Wrinkle in Time). Things like that make me feel connected to others and less lonely. Meditation also makes me feel more connected to the world, if that is something you are into. I wish you well!

      1. jotab*

        Oh my goodness, I have been driving home late at night from work and seeing one light on at the top of an apartment building in the darkness. I finally just googled “princess following a string by moonlight” to find out the title of a book I couldn’t remember, I also couldn’t remember anything else from the story. So great to see mention of the Princess and Goblins here!

      2. Home for the Holidays*

        Thanks so much. I do have some cookie baking lined up and yesterday spent a lot of time on the phone with family and friends too. I hope I start feeling better soon!

    2. RagingADHD*

      Can you go outside at all to walk? Fresh air, natural light, and exercise do good things biologically for your brain, on top of the time away.

      Can you connect to friends or family by phone or video?

      Got any good books?

      Do you have a spiritual tradition? It can be a good time to do some extra study or journalling, or see if there are ways to participate or do socially distanced volunteering (soup kitchen, etc)

      Other than that, projects. Something constructive & satisfying that keeps you busy – whether that’s housework/deep cleaning, learning a new skill, cooking/baking, or something creative. Something challenging that requires research or tutorials can be very engrossing.

      1. Home for the Holidays*

        I really enjoy walks outside. I’m going to try and get out quite a bit this week, I’ll invite him to come but I know I feel guilty for going out and being out of the house and leaving him behind- so it’s always a bit of a struggle to find a balance between support and self care. Today it’s raining so it’s a bit of a bust for now unfortunately!

        I’ll try to be outside this week though. I’m also putting some cleaning and baking on my to do list!

        1. Marillenbaum*

          If you struggle with feeling guilty, remember you have to put your own oxygen mask on first. You can’t help anyone if you’ve burned out. Also, being kind to yourself matters because you matter! It isn’t your job to pull him out of this slump, but taking care of yourself to prevent falling in is a net good for the household.
          Also, a suggestion: light! Open curtains, turn on lights, light candles. It makes a huge difference. This is also why going outside is so important: even a grey, cloudy day will get your body so much sun that it needs.

    3. DustyJo*

      Paying it forward: First time with a therapist, I basically cried for the hour. At the end, she said to make a list of things I like to do for next time. Next week, she said, Now, do some of those things. Ten years later, I do the same, as needed. Walking, listening to music, sewing…

      1. Home for the Holidays*

        I know exactly how I’d like to fill my week if on my own- and doing these things really does work! It just seems like a struggle to go about my life like nothing’s wrong. I guess I’m realizing the struggle isn’t what to do, it’s how to go about doing it in this type of situation.

    4. slmrlln*

      If he doesn’t want support, then accept that for a day or two. What do YOU want? What would make YOU feel happy and festive? Then find a way to do those things. If needed, you can remind yourself that a little self-care will make the situation better for you both. What I like most for a festive winter atmosphere is twinkly lights (candles, lights on a tree, lights on a wreath, lights in the window, whatever I can manage), mulled drinks (cider, wine, etc), and baked goods. You don’t have to do all the holiday things, but if you had to pick one or two, what do you know will make you feel good?

      1. Home for the Holidays*

        I had a whole list of things I wanted to do this week! Baking and reading and walking outside! The issue is it just feels so hard to do them now, like I’m ignoring the elephant in the room. I really believe in self care- especially because I get get very depressed as a result as well. But…I feel like an unsupportive or even cruel spouse for carrying on like nothing is wrong. That’s the struggle. Then I don’t enjoy whatever I’m doing as much because it’s tinted with anxiety and guilt.

        1. Telgar*

          A bit late, but:
          Caring for yourself is the best thing you can do right now; not just for yourself, but also for him! I bet he hates that his depression makes you sad. I know I did. You’re not helping him by limiting yourself. Instead make yourself happy and leave him the option to join in if he wants, without pressure. Don’t feel guilty – you didn’t cause the depression. I know it’s hard, but acting normal is helping him.
          Good luck!

        2. Mr Jingles*

          Make yourself aware: your spouse is an adult. And while depression is a serious illness that befalls people like a vampire sucking out their happiness, the only thing that helps is making a conscious decision to work against it and that decision is your spouses to make and not yours.
          I understand how you feel. I struggled with depression myself and I saw my husband struggling with it. But you can’t help him. He has to help himself. But by caring for yourself and battling your own depression you can show him how it’s done!
          Invite him! Let him know that you care and outright ask him for help if you need it. But if he refuses don’t try to take responsibility for his feelings and depressions or you’ll be dragged down too and that won’t help either. It’ll make things worse if he sees how his condition impacts you. And if you don’t care for yourself and stay strong you won’t have the energy to be there for him when he finally reaches out. So for the sake of both of you: do what you can to stay sane and healthy so when he is ready to fight the cloud of doom that is named depression you are there and can help him find joy. Look at it as a research on methods to improve your mood so you have some ideas if he needs them too and asks you what he could do when the time comes. If he’s a decent person, seeing that you carry on will take some of his burden away and might even help him escape the gloom. After all, don’t we all hope to see our loved ones being happy even if we can not be happy ourselves?

    5. Juneybug*

      When you take care of someone, it becomes hard to imagine what you would like to do during your free time because all of your current free time is taking care of them. I would suggest you take a take a few minutes to dream* – what would be some fun activities you could do while he’s at work? Read? Try a new hobby? Take a walk around an area you have never explored before?
      *you might have to practice at this a few times because your dream muscle has been put aside for awhile. Don’t worry, it will come back to you.

      For your spouse, what are the next steps for their mental health? Sometimes anxiety is at its worst when you don’t know what is coming up. So if you know your spouse has an appointment with his doctor to review his health and get him started on treatment, then that is one less thing to worry about.

      I wish you luck and a happy, healthy new year!!

      1. Home for the Holidays*

        Fortunately, I am still totally able to dream about what to fill my time with! I know exactly what I’d like to do. The problem is my spouse has been resistant to talking about the issue or any feelings really- so I need to figure out how to handle that. And it’s getting to the point where I can’t just ignore the fact that there is no acknowledgement of a problem…and no interest in making a plan.

    6. Double A*

      My husband’s depression is treated but he still has pretty frequent episodes. We both think of it like he has the flu. Just no energy, needs to be left alone, might need to sleep all day. I just do my own thing, and we still have dinner together and all that.

      I’m not a very empathetic person (in the sense that I don’t take on other people’s feelings) and it still makes me feel sad and lonely sometimes. But I don’t take it personally, and thinking of it more like a non-mental illness has helped us both have fewer feelings and narratives around it that would feed into making it worse.

      1. Home for the Holidays*

        I think I could do this too if he was being treated. Unfortunately, after posting yesterday I realized that it’s at the point that it’s very very concerning that it’s untreated and leaving it alone may be dangerous- which was not really in my original post. I really think I could use this approach if I knew someone else was working on it with him but right now since there’s nothing in place, it’s scares me too much to treat it like the flu and do my own thing. I hope one day we are in a place where I do feel that’s an option though.

        Plus, I am really empathetic, and his episodes can send me spiraling badly- so it’s harder in that way too. But I really appreciate your perspective, it sounds like a really workable system.

        1. Jennifer @unchartedworlds*

          I think being very worried about the wellbeing of someone you love is similar to being ill yourself. So you might feel better if you can take a step towards finding out options for help for him.

          Might there be a helpline you could call about mental health stuff, where someone could help you think through what’s possible, and perhaps suggest resources you didn’t know about? Or is there a friend you’d trust to talk it over with?

          In your position, I think what I might do is go for a walk and take my phone, and call from a park, or somewhere there were few enough people I didn’t worry about being overheard.

          Wishing you luck, anyway – it’s a hard situation to be in.

  12. Beancat*

    Any fellow endometriosis sufferers? I just found out I have to have my third surgery (fourth if you count the nerf football-sized ovarian cyst I had to have removed as a teenager). I’m definitely used to it at this point – it’s stage IV endo so it’s had a hugely negative impact on my life – but this is the third time in three years which means it’s not managed well. I’m finally seeing a new doctor for it and I’m hoping he’ll be better than the other one (who told me that if I wanted relief, my new husband and I should start working on having children – despite me telling him MULTIPLE times we are not interested). But even the new doctor told me that in an ideal world, this surgery plus the ridiculously high dosage of birth control I take plus a medication plan with a pain clinic might buy me five years at best before the next surgery. I can’t even take hormonal birth control because of a blood clotting disorder, so I’m already at a disadvantage.

    What are some things you do to cope with your symptoms? I cracked a little at the thought that this is going to be a lifelong thing with five years between each surgery at best. Either advice or just commiseration so it doesn’t feel quite so lonely would be great.

    1. Julia*

      I have suspected endo (doc could feel some, but I haven’t had surgery yet) and mine is mostly “only” bad during my actual periods. I had it under control with Visanne for a few years (a progesterone-only pill, not sure if that’s also out for you, IANAD) but went off this spring to see if some emotions I was feeling were me or the pill.

      My periods are very painful. They also like to start a) suddenly at night so by the time I wake up from the pain, it takes pain killers (only naproxen works for me, not ibuprofen) forever to counteract the pain and it never quite goes away or b) announce themselves for a week with increasingly bad cramps that give me no idea when to start with pain killers, as I can’t just take something for one week every month without worrying about my liver. (Doctors don’t seem to care, but I’m very concerned.) “Luckily” I only work part time this year (yeah 2020…), so I can often tough it out (= cry and moan) at home, and I try to treat my period as a sort of home vacation where I give myself permission to just hang out in bed all day and read or play games.

      Some months my periods are actually okay, and I’m trying to figure out why. I have done self-trials with melatonin, which seems to have some evidence wrt/ endo treatment. I don’t seem to react to any food stuff (I did try vegan and gluten free before going on Visanne, because no doctor wanted to treat me and I was desperate) and just found it more stressful to watch my diet that strictly, and stress definitely makes things worse for me. I’m sure people will tell you that if only you ate/didn’t eat XYZ you’d be fine, but those people are most likely wrong.

      Taking magnesium/calcium/vitamin D in higher (but safe!) doses seems to help a little, or at least I think it does, as it’s hard to say why I get the occasional bearable period. People on r/endo have also mentioned body position – if you’re very tight and hunched over due to the pain, it tends to feel worse, so trying to relax in the hot tub might help, as might gentle stretches. I also like applying heat to my stomach and/or lower back, with a hot water bottle or a stick on heating pad, and I have also recently tried a hot compress kind of thing that is sold here in Japan as 温湿布 (if you google it and then have the results translated, you might find something similar in your area) that is a stick on hot compress with some pain-killing substances, and it seems to help a little when I feel like I can’t take any more naproxen.

      In my experience, and I think a lot of endo sufferers will agree, the above things won’t do a lot because endo is a devastating disease, not the common cold or anything easible curable, but I do think that they take maybe 5 or 10% off the pain? Sometimes that plus taking pain killers at the right time (which is what I struggle with) can make the difference between it being bearable or not.

      I’m really sorry you are struggling with this. I know how hard it is to feel like no doctor takes you seriously (which is another reason why I’m currently without treatment) or only cares about you as a walking incubator. I also have no intention to give birth, and it seems to be a real obstacle when it comes to treatment.

    2. NerdyPrettyThings*

      I’m so sorry. Yours sounds so much worse than mine was. This night not be an option for you if you can’t take hormones, but I had a total hysterectomy at 38. It was the best decision I ever made. It was truly life-changing. I hadn’t even realized how much the constant pain was affecting my life until it no longer was.

      1. Julia*

        I’m glad you are pain-free now, but I feel obligated to point out that because endo is endometrial tissue growing outside the uterus, removing the uterus is not usually considered a good treatment for it in most cases.

        1. NerdyPrettyThings*

          They also removed the ovaries and cleaned out the extraneous tissue (which is what they do in the other surgeries I’d previously had). It worked for me.

        2. fhqwhgads*

          “Total hysterectomy” is usually layperson shorthand for “hysterectomy plus double oopherectomy plus…” now I’ve forgotten the rest of the terms but they take out the uterus, ovaries, falopian tubes (and in my case cervix although that may not be standard for endo; I had a high risk of cancer which is why that was removed at the same time for me). It is thought that removing just the ovaries might solve it since if you’re functionally in menopause, the cycle of hormones that causes the endometrium to grow stops. So the lesions stop. You’re right that removing only the uterus doesn’t really help. But removing all of that is in many cases considered good treatment.

    3. Squirrel Friend*

      Hello. Fellow blood clotting disorder person here.

      Now I have never had endometriosis (at least no doctor has ever said that about me). However, I had fibroids. Between being on a lifer on anticoagulants and having fibroids that were both creating painful periods and threatening to have me hemorrhage at any moment (or never at all, no doctor could tell me), I had 3 options given to me: 1. Keep the status quo (not recommended by the MDs), 2. Have a invasive surgery to just cut out all of the fibroids, or 3. Have a partial hysterectomy (kept ovaries and cervix as I am years/decade(s) away from menopause). Options 2 and 3 were the recommended, but option 2 would have been worse for me due to the anticoagulants. Therefore, two months ago, I had the partial hysterectomy. I didn’t reclot and the doctors took precautions to make sure I wouldn’t while I was in the hospital.

      Truthfully, while I wanted my own children and I cried many nights over losing that option, I have now been period free for almost 3 months, and I feel so much better. Sure two weeks post-surgery really sucked as I was in pain, but that pain went away. I’ll never have to worry about hurting or bleeding heavily at work, on vacation, etc. I had to think of me first. Furthermore, the chances of me having my own children was pretty low because of my blood clotting disorder; it would give me a very high rate of stillbirths (over 20 weeks along), and it would also be difficult getting pregnant to begin with.

      If you’re not interested in having children, could this be a possible route for you? I cannot commiserate with endo so I don’t know if this would alleviate everything for you. But it’s certainly not a commitment to simply ask your doctor all the questions.

      Look at it this way:
      -Take care of yourself first and foremost. Is your endo creating a quality of life issue? (My fibroids certainly were.) For example, do you plan your days around when you suspect your period is due? Do you calculate when your period will be so you’ll know if you’ll get it while on a vacation? Do you stay home from work sick as a dog – when periods shouldn’t be making you feel as such?
      -Is it causing other health issues? Do you have thyroid issues? Or are you becoming anemic from heavy periods?

      Stay well.

    4. udon the day away*

      I discovered I had stage IV endo after a surprise trip to the emergency department: I had a massive endometrial cyst rupture, my pelvic cavity was full of lesions, and the endo diagnosis explained so many things about my awful, awful periods throughout my 20s. It also brought SO MANY women out of the woodwork; it turns out friends, relatives, coworker – and their friends, relatives and coworkers – all had endo, but nobody every talked about it! I was put on Lupron shots with add-back hormones which helped. However, not wanting to be tied to very expensive shots every 3 months for the next 15+years, and being very clear in my desire to not have children, I eventually had a total hysterectomy in my early 30s. Initially my (male) gynaecologist wouldn’t do it, but I got second opinions from two other (female) gynaecologists, who were both very supportive and enthusiastic. For me, it has worked wonders and although I still have to take add-back hormones, the pain and intense emotional mood swings have been eliminated. I realize it’s not a cure, and that it’s not an option for everyone, but my quality of life over the last decade has improved significantly.

      1. Beancat*

        Depending how this goes, I might seek a female OBGYN. I had an appointment with one but her office called me to cancel pretty unceremoniously, and I’ve had no luck getting anywhere since. There’s apparently a network of endometriosis doctors in my area, but I had no luck getting in :( I’m glad a hysterectomy helped you! This surgeon won’t currently even consider a hysterectomy/oophrectomy/etc. because he says that the hormone issues will wreck me hard.

        I’m more okay with that because the first doctor only refused “because baby”. This guy isn’t considering it because he’s concerned about long term effects on my health, which I can appreciate.

        1. Deanna Troi*

          I had a hysterectomy, but kept my ovaries so that I wouldn’t go into menopause. I understand that this isn’t the right decision for everyone, but it made all the difference in the world to me. The surgery to remove the endo essentially did nothing for me and it got bad again almost immediately, so I decided to go with the hysterectomy. Good luck – I know how hard it is.

          1. Deanna Troi*

            Should have clarified – because I kept my ovaries, I haven’t had any hormonal issues. But I don’t know if that is always true, depending on your specific symptoms.

    5. fhqwhgads*

      Lupron depo worked for me. Huge improvement in my quality of life. But once I went off it (you can’t stay on forever), the endo came back within 2 months. I had a full hysterectomy. If you don’t intend to have biological children, it’s probably worth considering. I know it’s a very personal decision and there are many factors to consider, but for me, it improved my life significantly.

      1. Beancat*

        Yeah, I got a single shot of lupron this week to get me through until the surgery. (I’ve had a migraine and ringing ear since, sigh.) This surgeon won’t currently even consider a hysterectomy/oophrectomy/etc. because he says that the hormone issues will wreck me hard.

        I’m more okay with that because the first doctor only refused “because baby”. This guy isn’t considering it because he’s concerned about long term effects on my health.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          Bummer. I was on the lupron a couple years. I tolerated it VERY well though. Since it was so long the doc had way less concern about the hormonal effects since I’d basically been in a forced menopause already for quite some time, and they’d been monitoring me, etc. I am on add-back though.

    7. Observer*

      It sounds to me like you have been seeing doctors who are doing ablation rather than excision. Unfortunately, most doctors to that – it’s much easier. But it doesn’t work as well.

      Find a surgeon who does excision – and who does a LOT of these surgeries.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        It does also depend on where the endometriosis is, to the best of my knowledge? Most of my endometriosis is inside the lining of my intestines, and it’s difficult to ablate or excise without basically removing chunks of intestine. But I also don’t have any huge endometriomas, much less ones the size of a small football!

        1. fhqwhgads*

          Mine went in with the clearly stated and agreed to by me in advance plan of: -ectomies I mentioned above, plus excise everything excisable and only ablate anything in a location where it would be unsafe to do anything else. I was lucky though and they were able to excise everything. There was some very very close to my intestines and kidneys that was juuuuust in the right spot to be excised. If my surgery were three weeks later, it probably couldn’t have been. I felt very lucky.

        2. Observer*

          Yes, it does matter where it is. Obviously if it cannot be excised, that’s that. But a doctor who does a LOT of these surgeries will give someone the best chance of success – and if they are good they will also recognize when it’s not an option.

      2. Beancat*

        This new doctor is actually planning to do excision I think! He wasn’t happy to hear that my first one just did ablation. (The first do to also didn’t send over ANY of his surgical notes when I paid for records…nothing in my record says the world “endometriosis” so the new doctor is basically starting from zero. They didn’t even send pictures.)

        1. fhqwhgads*

          Gah that first one sounds so frustrating! I got photos of my surgery. All the lesions they removed. I have before and afters pretty much.

        2. ElsieD*

          Honestly, a female gynaecologist would be my recommendation, she might at least listen to you. Best wishes.

          1. Observer*

            Unfortunately, that’s not necessarily true. I’ve heard too many stories of women who SHOULD know better just not getting it, to put it kindly. When it’s the doctor who is supposed to be treating you….

        3. The teapots are on fire*

          So sorry you’re going through this! The hospital where you had your surgery will probably have the surgical notes though they may not have pictures.

        4. Jean (just Jean)*

          Oooh, that is horrible when doctors (or their office staff) will not send records. Sending you moral and medical support. May you find complete healing in a matter of months, not years.

  13. Retail Not Retail*

    How is your region handling current cases? Mine is doing terribly, it’s inspiring seeing my state so high up in the rankings! We’re never in national news, aw.

    Our governor released a gibberish statement that boiled down to theoretically you could do the right thing – masking, staying apart – because you care about your neighbors, so I won’t release anything requiring you to do the right thing. Because you could do it of your own volition. Any minute now y’all. Would be great.

    There are rumors of another mild shutdown next week but it’s closing the barn door after the horse has run. Schools are closed for Christmas break and our transmissions aren’t exclusively happening at open restaurants. “Oh no eating out for our holiday party? We’ll just order takeout or cook and everyone can come over! Merry Christmas!”

    1. AnonForThis*

      I think you might live in my state. :/ I work in a public school, and it’s awful. It’s definitely spreading here, regardless of what the governor says. A parent told me on the phone last week when I called her to pick up her kid that he hasn’t gone anywhere but school. What can I say? We’re doing the best we can, but only 27% of our students are virtual, and our building is old with small classrooms.

      1. Retail Not Retail*

        Our region’s schools are so terrible with this virtual hybrid nonsense. However, the biggest district in the area (since most are municipal) has stayed all virtual all year and will probably do so until next year. Parents pulled their kids out for waivers to the town schools but like. As hard as virtual is, doing one thing the whole time is easier on everyone. And they don’t have to randomly shut down every other week. (My mom is a staff member with health problems – they work at school but well distanced and no kids!)

        My sister works for a military base school and they reopened because of their isolation but cases are spiking. One kid tested positive and 130 people had to quarantine. They’re not messing around even as the CDC guidelines weaken for the rest of us.

    2. DistantAudacity*

      My region (non-US) is improving, thankfully.

      We were getting the second wave, and especially in my city, so the government (and the city) enacted a harder lockdown; closing some services again, mandating masks in all public spaces, limiting sales of alcohol etc. Also stronger WFH mandates again. They did this late October, so that it has had an effect now, and we get to have reasonable, max 10-people holiday celebrations.

      Erna says to stay at home, unless very necessary! (Erna Solberg is our prime minister).
      (Overall our numbers are quite good in general, though, both in cases and in fatalities)

    3. Thankful for AAM*

      My first thought was, that is my state except we are often in the national news for idiotic behavior. And then I got a sad feeling that a lot of governors are saying similar things. Ours is saying we will not have a shut down again no matter what and also that we are not going to be getting enough vaccines. But its all good, he says.

      1. Thankful for AAM*

        And I just saw a news headline: Governor urges dining in restaurants!!
        He also said he will stand in the way of cities and counties who try to close restaurants.
        He says he has the server’s backs but what he really means is he is encouraging them to risk their lives for low wages.

    4. ThatGirl*

      We’ve had increased restrictions since late October and things are getting marginally better – our positivity rate is below 10% again – but it’s still not great. Our governor is doing his best, I think, but trying to balance too many interests. And transmission by and large wasn’t happening at restaurants or bars anyway, it’s at nursing homes and warehouse settings and in homes. I don’t think indoor dining should’ve been allowed anyway, but it’s a bigger problem than that.

    6. RagingADHD*

      We have a mask mandate that got extended into January, and schools went on staggered schedule (2 days in school/3 days virtual, alternating groups) back in November.

      But we’re in bad shape because there’s no enforcement. Lots of antimaskers. They are calling RN’s out of retirement. Some counties (not mine thank goodness) have 50% positivity.

      I have to go get groceries today and I’m dreading setting foot in stores now, but I missed out on a pickup order slot and we need stuff.

    7. Llama face!*

      Our region (non-US) is prioritizing “The Economy” in its restrictions. Light on businesses and tough on personal life. They’ve ordered harsh restrictions on personal gatherings to the point where any household of more than 1 person can’t have anyone in their home or on their property (single people can join a family of less than 5 people so they aren’t completely alone) until mid January. They are finally planning on further reducing capacity in stores but made the order to start on Xmas so as not to lose all the shopping dollars. Most businesses, especially big box stores, still aren’t enforcing the mask order (although I’d say closer to 80% of people are actually- badly- wearing them now). And they keep recommending anyone who can work from home should but are not making it an order so certain employers (mine) just ignore it, even though one of our higher sources of transmission is between coworkers. Authorities have been begged by medical professionals to lock us down and/or enforce on the current orders all through the fall as our hospitalization and death toll is climbing a lot but our head honcho believes in “compliance not enforcement” so we have antimask rallies happening regularly with maybe 2 people out of more than 100 getting any fines and the rallies not being broken up by police for hours.

      Oh and we are second highest percentage for rising cases in our entire country even though we have a puny local population.

      We did get our first tiny shipment of vaccine recently so a few people in specialized areas got the shot. It will likely be closer to Summer 2021 before ordinary people like me get a chance to be vaccinated.

      1. Aealias*

        Hey, sounds like you’re in my jurisdiction! I suppose it could be worse, we could be next door. I’m torn between frustration with Mr. Economy-Over-All and the absolute certainty that I cannot care for my kids and work from home again. I don’t understand why we’re not doing a two-week post-Christmas shutdown to catch all of the inevitable transmissions over the holidays. (Because the laws restricting Christmas gathering came way too late, and are way too limited, and a lot of people aren’t going to change their plans at this late date.) I think the government talking so long about how we can get by with the fewest restrictions possible has convinced a lot of people that restrictions are unnecessary. And no-one is willing to accept greater restrictions on their PRIVATE lives than their public/economic lives.

        I work in schools, and a lot of teachers are either struggling with anxiety or panic attacks, or they’re fatalistic/depressed. “We’ve got to be here, the kids honestly need in-person learning. Welp, hope we don’t die!”

        1. Llama face!*

          Well if your jurisdiction is western and north of the US we may be neighbours. But I’ll keep it that vague for non-doxxing purposes.

          I know a lot of teachers here are struggling terribly both with the risks and with the massive work overload of having to do both virtual and classtoom work while becoming increasingly short-staffed.

          And I hear you on the “welp, hope we don’t die!” I don’t work in a school but all my coworkers are all basically at that state in our workplace since our bosses refuse to do anything COVID-wise that isn’t strictly ordered or fought about for months on end. And current rules aren’t enforced (obv that attitide comes from the very top since we- indirectly- could be said to work for the head honcho).

    8. KiwiApple*

      Well my country will go into a mainland lockdown beginning Boxing Day for 3 weeks. I’m meant to emigrate in 4 weeks…

    9. IL-region 6*

      IL here (region 6) https://www.c-uphd.org/champaign-urbana-illinois-coronavirus-information.html?fbclid=IwAR2yoDr9O8AWb8GVpvIyrYBbbU3hEQPAQZoYD1LtGK0kw5dVwWR8QtTFeUA
      I feel lucky to live (and work) at a major university that has the saliva testing (2/week for us staff, it was every other day for undergrads, but now is back to 2/week for them over the winter break).
      Compared to other regions we’ve been doing OK so far, had a bit more restrictions (no dine in in restaurants) but other than that I think we’re doing as well as we can.

      1. Retail Not Retail*

        My city has really been pushing free surge testing for literally anyone who wants one, no appointment, decent turn around. Not enough people are taking advantage of it, but our positive percentage rate is dropping though still incredibly high.

        My job is affiliated enough with a government body that we got in on free weekly testing – no questions asked! – starting last month. I went this week and last and it took less than five minutes which is great personally, disheartening macro.

    10. Bluebell*

      RNR- pretty sure we live in the same state. I’m getting less and less happy with our gov, though they were great at the beginning. Many people think this gov is bulletproof, but who knows by the next election.

      1. Retail Not Retail*

        Our gubernatorial election isn’t until 2022 and memories are short. He’s also pushed most responsibility to local governments who are sadly angering everyone – they’re doing too much for the vocal crowd and not enough for the rest of us.

        (I suspect we’re not since you say they were doing a good job at one point!)

    11. Gatomon*

      We had a horrible fall spike (my state is adjacent to the Dakotas) but it seems to be falling and not spiking further post-Thanksgiving. The test positivity rate still has me worried though. We had some new restrictions placed in my city, and my office voluntarily sent everyone home about a month ago due to the snowballing business impact, but things are more or less business as usual for the COVID era in my state. I think most of our decrease is because we finally reached the point that so many people were getting sick/quarantined that schools and businesses just couldn’t stay open consistently.

      I’m trying to avoid going in store anywhere as much as possible until the holiday season is over (the crowds are awful and the stores are crowded with product, which makes it even harder to maintain distance) but now mail and shipping are jacked up so I’m just sitting tight until the new year. I’ve done one post-Thanksgiving fill-the-trunk event and I think I will do another when I pick up my Rx this week, and that’s it. I wish I had a bigger freezer.

      I can’t get a good read on our incoming governor. He’s indicating he’s going to follow the recommendations of the science community, but he basically bought the governorship with his own money and clearly is just using our state as a stepping-stone to a presidential run. I think his big priority is decimating the state government apparatus, so I’m hopeful he decides to leave the current guidelines more or less in place while focusing on the legislative session and his agenda.

  14. Not So NewReader*

    Got snow? Who got dumped on and how are you/your area doing with the mess?

    I guess our county had more broken plow trucks than working plow trucks. The problem in part stemmed from plowing UP hill. The weight of the snow was too much for the truck.
    I got about 40 inches here, maybe a bit more. Other communities definitely got more. People are looking for bucket loaders because blowers, tractors and pick-ups with plow blades are not working that well.
    By some miracle we never lost power here.
    We have to watch the weight on our roofs also.
    Things got a little better yesterday, probably they will continue to improve.
    Is anyone seeing the beet juice pretreatment in their area? How’s that going?

    1. LGC*

      I don’t know if you’re lucky or unlucky! Out in New Jersey, we slightly undershot our snow totals. Which is nice because we can do stuff (although it’s currently a balmy 13 degrees and as a Just Outside The City kid, that is way too cold for me), but I’d have enjoyed getting a couple of feet of snow. Snow’s pretty for a few days.

      (I also don’t have to shovel, so I can just enjoy the snow.)

      My town didn’t do beet juice, I don’t think. We just salted our roads ahead of time…way ahead of time (like, in the morning), and the snow didn’t start until 5 PM. NJ Transit ran a weekend schedule – which made the commute to work terrifying, since I was on the first train of the day and it was the most crowded train I’ve been on since March – and stopped service entirely from 7:30 PM Wednesday to 10 AM Thursday.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        We were told something like 6-8 inches. Not a big, big deal. Except when 6 inches suddenly turns into 40.
        Interesting that you have the same temps we do. I about 5 hours outside of NYC, and probably the same rough amount of hours away from the Jersey boarder.
        It looked like you guys got a lot of ice- freezing rain crap, that we did not get though.

        1. LGC*

          Yeah, it looks like it shifted a bit north like it often does. It feels like literally every storm in the past few years has been “NORTHERN NEW JERSEY WILL GET RECORD AMOUNTS OF SNOW” and then in the end we get a “reasonable” amount and it’s upstate New York that gets three feet. I’ve seen the pics from Binghamton. It’s INTENSE.

          I’m not too far from the NY/NJ state line, so we did get a fair amount of snow here (and I work in Jersey City, and they got snow down there as well). It was just crunchy, which…eh.

        2. Blackcat*

          You’re in NH or Upstate NY? I definitely saw in the forecast that a lot of NH was in the 2-8in ranges… then got 24-40in dumped on them. Over 2ft of snow is just a huge PITA, even if you’re in an area used to a lot of show.
          Here in greater Boston, we got ~14in, which is enough to make urban parking painful, but not so much that it takes days to dig out of. And it was spot on the forecast (8-12 a few days out, then upped to 12-16 the day before), so at least we knew what to expect.

          I was in Philly in Feb 2020, and man, it was awful. It was an amount of snow Boston can handle (I was here in Boston for the blizzards of Feb-March 2015, we did okay until the 3rd blizzard), but Philly just like… breaks with over a foot. I watched plow after plow get stuck, because the only plows available were the ones on the front of pickups. A pick up truck can’t plow 2 ft of snow! It just can’t! And it was so much worse that they tried, rather than waiting for big trucks, because then in addition to all the snow blocking roads, you had random abandoned pick ups everywhere. It was 4 days after the second storm that the street I was on finally got plowed.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I have heard nothing but good things about it. But on the logical side of my brain, I know there has to be some limitations. Someone was saying that because of Covid less people were available to harvest the beets therefore less beet juice available. (I think i know what to do with my large front yard now.)
        Last year was the first year I heard of anyone using it around here. I heard of counties south of me, near the city and Jersey using it for over 10 years now.

      2. pancakes*

        I didn’t know what it was either. It seems like it could be problematic in NYC considering how many problems we already have with slushy salt-heavy water (when the snow starts to melt) entering spaces with very old, outdated electrical wiring and causing stray voltage. The meltwater seeps into manhole covers, grates, etc. Look up the death of Jodie Lane in 2004 for more about this. There are dogs electrocuted what seems to be every year as well. It’s maddening enough in itself that this happens, but now more than ever – we have infrastructure badly in need of updating and many thousands of people in need of the thing we don’t talk about here on weekends.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          OH MY! I had not heard of this case. What a tragedy.
          Part of a much longer discussion I have often heard how NYC is a hot mess with their underground wires, pipes, sewer, etc. There is not enough money in the world to fix all that is going on there. I don’t understand why we don’t have government programs putting people to work fixing as much as they can.
          One of the articles did say that salt could have caused the insulation to wear which in turn caused this terrible loss. I know first had that rats eat insulation too so all the problems there are mind bending, for sure.

          But that is a good point you have, how do you apply a liquid to an already overloaded system. Now you are making me think because we have clay soil here. Although we are far from the problems NYC has, it’s good to think about where this stuff is going to run off to.

          1. Potatoes gonna potate*

            It’s a hot mess.

            The outer boroughs (Bronx Brooklyn etc) fare way worse IMO than Manhattan in terms of street cleaning and all. Now-I’m not sure if this falls under infrastructure or just my own klutziness but all the times I’ve stepped onto the snow covered street only to realize it was a very deep slushy puddle or ice….it’s a miracle I’ve not been injured. That’s never happened to me in the main city, only outside.

            1. pancakes*

              It is. I was injured one year, several years ago at this point – I slipped on an icy metal plate in the road and broke my wrist! Ugh. Maybe sand would be better than salt here.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Thank goodness it was so light, right? If this had been wet and heavy we would have been in serious trouble- like call the National Guard Trouble.

    4. Mimmy*

      I’d heard some places got 40 inches!!!!

      By chance, does anyone know how much the Boston area got? My sister lives there and forgot to ask her when we did a Zoom family call last night.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        It looks like a foot or a bit more. The Boston Herald has an article that seems to have a good description.

      3. Blackcat*

        just over a foot in the city, 14-16 in most of the metro area. Light fluffy stuff, mostly, except right on the coast.

    5. GoryDetails*

      Got about 8-10 inches in southern NH, drifting deeper here and there. Very light and fluffy, thank goodness.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        It’s amazing to me when places north of me get LESS. Eight to ten is still not a lotta fun, though!

    6. Potatoes gonna potate*

      We got a lot on Wednesday. My husband was shovel ahovelling when he came home and the snow plow trucks dumped the snow right back where he had shoveled. We’re parking the car on the street until it melts. I went out to Walmart & Target and couldn’t find salt. Amazon is selling them for really expensive.

      In our old neighborhood that we just moved out of (about 1.5 h north from where I am now) garbage trucks didn’t bother to come.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Oh no, they put the snow right back after he shoveled. That is so discouraging. I hope you find salt, maybe a neighbor would sell you some of theirs?

    7. urban teacher*

      Here in SE PA got 6. However, as a CA native, dealing with snow is a new thing. My partner and I realized that you have to have a shovel to dig out your car. I was glad horseback riding was cancelled today because I need another month of practice to feel comfortable driving in 20 degree weather.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        The car creaks, the tires creak, it’s all very odd, right? Sometimes the steering gets really stiff, too. Supposedly I am used to it because of living in the NE for so long. But I still drive along gingerly and slowly.

      2. Blackcat*

        I’m a CA native, too. The first year I had a car on the east coast was in Philly in 2010. A very kind neighbor from upstate NY offered me “driving in the snow” lessons, which were tremendously helpful.

        Pro-tip: In addition to a house-shovel, get a tiny one and a good brush to live in the car in case you’re ever out and about when it dumps a few inches.

        1. urban teacher*

          Thanks to an awful principal when I lived in New Mexico who told every other teacher in Albuquerque to stay home after a snowstorm but me. I drove 20 miles on a unpaved snowy highway so my snow driving experience is all right. My issue is possible ice.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Only 7-10 inches here (it drifted) but it was packing snow so even our big snowblower had a hard time with it. (AND I can’t find my snow pants so I was ridiculous in the ones I borrowed from my much bigger husband.)

  15. nep*

    I was helping an elderly relative ask her internet/cable company some questions about her bill.
    I reckon it might vary by region, but I’m interested to hear what people pay monthly for internet and cable (the cable is sort of middle tier–more than local stations, but not the max number of channels possible). Hers seemed quite high, but I could be wrong.
    (My impression with this company, also, was that the ‘bundle’ choices are quite limited; she’ll never, ever use a lot of the things included in the bundle she has, but there’s not really an a la carte option.)

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      We pay Comcast/Xfinity about $120 a month for internet only – we opted to pay the $50 extra for truly unlimited data, because two of us work from home full-time and the third will be before too long, plus two of the three of us are online gamers and all three of us stream various online media pretty consistently. When I called up to add it, the CSR was like “Well, are you sure? Only about 1% of our customers actually go over the terabyte data cap with any regularity.” I said “Take a look at our account history.” She paused, and I heard some clicking, and then she said “Right. I’ll get that added for you.” (I think this month we hit the terabyte at like, the 16th.) We don’t do any cable TV, but we have several streaming subscriptions – Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, and Amazon Prime as a household, plus my housemate has a couple more specific ones, Crunchyroll and a couple horror channels, that nobody else uses so he pays for them himself.

      Once my husband starts working from home too, I might look into switching to a business plan instead of our current residential. I’ve hesitated to do so far because without doing the in-depth research, my understanding is that the pricing will be fairly similar, but we’ll have to enter into a contract (which I’m not SUPER keen on, so con) and we’ll then get priority for fixing outages (which is nominally a pro, but we don’t get many outages, knock wood; I think we’ve had like three in the last two years and none of them more than a couple hours).

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        (Apparently since covid they’ve dropped the unlimited option to $30/month, so my bill is exactly $118.90, including my internet for $72 and change, a speed upgrade for $10, the unlimited data upgrade for $30, and the taxes and such.)

      2. nep*

        Thanks. She’s with Xfinity also. The actual internet+cable ‘bundle’ is $133, then with all the service and equipment fees, the monthly bill comes to $193. Seemed super high to me, but I really don’t have a frame of reference so maybe it’s normal.
        (One of the issues was the bill shows two additional boxes she doesn’t have; they account for only about $16 on the overall monthly charges. Xfinity is to remove them from the bill.)

        1. nep*

          (And can we just talk about how much it sucks that Xfinity is dropping Norton Security for its customers at year’s end? And fees will all be going up…)

          1. nep*

            Yes. I was trying to get at whether she was paying for some bells and whistles she didn’t need to be paying for, but it seems the ‘bundle’ options are limited.
            She is going to see how they handle the current error on her bill, and whether they give her a refund of some kind, which the agent said is possible. If they handle this well, she’ll probably stick w them; if not, she’s going to shop around.

        3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          We also don’t rent our modem/router equipment from them — we wanted higher quality equipment than they hand out, because we have at least 40 devices on our network (not always actively in use, but still) so we bought our own. The outlay was higher up front, but we’ve had them long enough that they’ve paid for themselves in saved rental fees. I’m not sure that’s a good way to try to save though, if you don’t have someone in the house who’s comfortable getting into the settings and poking it if things start to misbehave – I expect for most average users the stuff they hand out is probably fine.

          I did some looking after my previous comment, based on my own address (so YMMV), and while the current intro price for second tier internet (100mbps download speed) and second tier (100+ channels) TV is $70/month together, it looks like that includes $71 in discounts, including a “two services” $20 discount and a $10 paperless billing and autopay discount, and the other $41 discount ends at the end of the initial 24 month intro agreement. So the normal price for those services would be about $140, before any discounts or equipment fees.

          1. Reba*

            Yes we also bought our own modem/router! They wanted like 12 bucks a month for renting, so it quickly paid for itself. The most IT support we have to do is to turn it off and back on again. Make sure to get one that your ISP supports if you go this route.

        4. Old and Don’t Care*

          That’s about what I pay for Spectrum. I have one TV with a DVR, and no premium channels. It makes me crazy how much it costs.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            I am paying $70 for Spectrum, I own my own modem and I only use it for my computer. No tv. I am lucky to have internet in my little area at all.

          2. Gatomon*

            Sounds right. Spectrum just seems expensive even compared to the other cable companies. And there’s no savings from buying your own modem (though I guess I save $5/month by having my own wireless router.)

    3. Retail Not Retail*

      Local company – the big ones aren’t available in our town – and it’s $60 for internet. I don’t know the gigs but we’ve never gone over. Neither of us work from home though.

      1. Juneybug*

        Sounds like us in rural Washington ($60 plus tax for internet). We don’t have Comcast cable (not available on the street I live on).
        We have Hulu at $66 monthly. Note that Hulu just increased their price to $70 plus tax, starting Dec 18 (honestly, Hulu you couldn’t wait until after Christmas?!).

        Hey Nep – first of all, it’s so sweet of you to help your elderly neighbor. The world needs more people like you.
        Second, if she will let you, also ask what other bills she is paying (maybe look at a few different bank statements since some transaction happens quarterly). My elder mom was paying for Yahoo when she already had internet; magazine subscriptions that she didn’t want; food supplements that she didn’t care for; and so on. We reduced her monthly expenses around $300.

        1. nep*

          She’s a relative. Anyway, thank you.
          Appreciate the tips. It’s clear that she was paying for some things she isn’t using; I’m hoping after my call w Xfinity she’ll have a lower bill and possibly get some kind of refund.

    4. Llellayena*

      I have Xfinity, as basic as I can get depending on which package is cheapest when I call every couple years to complain that my bill went up. Base package for internet/cable is $109, total after fees is $148 (I really wish they’d let you opt out of some of the fees, the “regional spots fee” is useless for me, I never watch sports). Like I said, I call as soon as my current plan is running out to ask what the best deals are. Sometimes the triple play is cheaper than the double play, so one year I had a phone line too. I never connected anything to it (in part because I couldn’t find a phone jack). The one thing I’ve found with that is sometimes I’ve ended up with a plan that doesn’t get a couple channels I like (two fewer channels to find Law & Order on).

      1. nep*

        Thanks.
        Yeah–I asked the agent about that ‘regional sports fee’; he said it was just one of the fees that come with having the cable package she has. (She wants more than just the local channels, but I still think there should be something more basic than what she’s getting.)
        Appreciate the infos.

      1. Lore*

        In my area, Fios has a $30-a-month equipment fee on top of their service price. That made it come out to way more than $65. Do you not have that where you are, or is the base price just much cheaper?

    6. Generic Name*

      I pay roughly $60 a month for high speed internet from centurylink. No cable or phone. Cable/satellite TV is extraordinarily expensive.

    8. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I have Comcast for “cable” and internet (basic, no Infinity in my area) and my bill is $108 a month. The cable is a very basic TV package that Comcast doesn’t advertise on its site because it’s only about $10/month. With that I get my local channels, 5 PBS channels, and a few random channels (C-Span). I use a few streaming services so I don’t miss all of the cable channels.

    9. Zona the Great*

      $90 per month for crazy fast and high gigs. Internet only. Cox is a Local service I think…? It’s really good.

      1. anonlurkerappa*

        the only service we are paying for is internet, and I make sure and call each time the bill goes up to bring it back down. We are also in an area where there is centurylink, so I often threaten to switch when I call.

    11. IL-region 6*

      Xfinity/Comcast here: basic internet : $25 (with autopay, otherwise it would have been $30).
      It was 50, then was going to go to $75, but I called and got a promotion in September of this year that brought it down to $25.
      Midwest, south of Chicago, if that helps.

    12. Comcast Hater*

      comcast/xfinity in NJ: Standard+ package $80 (incl. Limited Basic TV, Expanded Basic TV, HD, 20hrs online DVR, and Performance Pro internet), $5 tv box rental, $14 modem rental, $20 broadcast and sports fees, $2 taxes and gov fees = $121 monthly total.
      Make sure you know what options they offer in your area, how they differ, and what is the absolute minimum you can live with. Then call their CS line and tell them your bill is too high and you’d like a bundle discount. If they can’t do anything (or enough) for you ask to be transferred to customer retention team. Tell them you are going to cancel everything except for the most basic bundle unless they reduce the fee. I play this game at least once every 2 years and get either a discount on an existing service or higher internet speed/more channels for the same price. I wish FiOS was available in my area because my previous experience with it was superior to Comcast (plus you can play them off against each other). As it stands I’m forced to deal with the Comcast monopoly.
      Modem rental is a rip-off and you can break even in one year if you buy your own. BUT! You are then on your own if anything goes wrong or the modem doesn’t connect – they won’t help you troubleshoot. So it’s a trade-off.
      Good luck!

      1. nep*

        Cool. Thanks.
        She’s been w Comcast>Xfinity for decades. She said she’ll look at alternatives if they don’t handle the current situation well. (They’re looking into a refund and they MUST take the two additional boxes off the bill; she has and uses only one.)

    13. Lady Alys*

      Comcast/Xfinity
      Internet-only, no TV
      Performance Pro+ Plan / 200 Mbps (I’m sure there’s a cap, but my husband and I have been working from home since March and haven’t had any problems – kids are grown and moved out)
      $60/month
      We purchase our own modem/router/etc
      Twin Cities MN

    14. Gatomon*

      My bill to Spectrum is about $145 including all the taxes and fees. That’s for internet (100/10), basic package + digital tier 1 channels* and 1 DVR box. This is still an introductory rate, it’ll go up about $50 when it expires around February or March. Spectrum isn’t known for giving discounts out again, so I’m not sure what I’ll do at that point. I don’t have realistic alternatives for internet, and internet only service is $75 I think. I’m okay with some increase, I’m happy with my service overall, but $200/month is a bit much.

      TV is the sore spot. I’m a sports fan, so my biggest issue is two regional sports network that none of the streaming carriers (YouTube TV, Sling, Fubo, etc.) carry – my team isn’t even carried on these networks, but if they play the teams that are and it’s not nationally broadcast, I get blacked out. I think my only realistic alternative is having satellite TV installed.

      *This combo basically makes it their mid-tier package without having the HBO and Starz that are normally included in that, which saves me $18/month.

  16. WellRed*

    If you have two laptops, one quite old and one newish, but one doesn’t connect to the Internet (more specifically, Teams) nearly as quickly as the other, where might the problem lie? The old one connects just fine, the new one I’m wondering what the heck is happening. I got mansplained, so trying to find the right language to point them in the right directions.

    2. DistantAudacity*

      Is it generally internet connectivity, or just Teams? I mean, is there a difference if you open a browser and surf to AAM?

      Is there a difference in peripherals between the machines? Might the new one try to do more in with camera/microphones?

      Is it when you are starting the Teams application, or when joining a video/audio call? How’s the chat functionality?

      1. WellRed*

        Hmm, I did connect to a dock recently and a mouse. For teams, honestly, it’s that I can’t open word documents easily. I keep getting a spinning blue circle.

        1. WellRed*

          And overall, I can use Internet though it’s slower than other machine. The slow one often shows its connecting at like 12 Mbps.The other will say 80 mbps.

          1. DistantAudacity*

            Hm. You should do a check to see if all drivers related to the network card is up to date. Locate the «device manager», find the network device and check for updates.

            You can also check with the network card manufacturer if they have more drivers available.

            Also, google «why is [laptop model] slow to access internet»

          2. dashingtonv*

            Not all WiFi are the same.

            You have 2.4 Ghz and 5 Ghz. The former is more reliable and the second is faster.

            Then you have different wireless standards, too.

        2. DistantAudacity*

          Hm – so it’s when accessing the file structures (it’s underpinned by a Sharepoint setup).

          Have you tried «open in Sharepoint», and see if it’s easier to open the file from there? When you are in the file area of a Teams channel, there should be a menu option somewhere, to show the file area in Sharepoint.

          1. LQ*

            Agreed. Try the Open in SharePoint function. I’d also try pinning the documents to word and opening directly from word to see if there’s a delay when you open that way.

            I had some issues with teams and one drive (which is also sharepoint under the hood) and it ended up being a conflict with the antivirus and require fighting to get the good tech guy and then he spending like 4 hours pulling all of the little bits and pieces and uninstalling and reinstalling EVERYTHING.

            Do the word docs open ok when you open them in the browser? is it just word the desktop app? If so I’d maybe give a go to repairing office.

            Looking at the overall slow internet note, I’d definitely look to see if you have any resource-hogging anti-virus stuff going on.

  17. Lizy*

    Anyone have experience pulling a high schooler and home schooling them? I’m not talking covid-school but legitimate home school with a homeschool curriculum. Advice? What did you think you did right? What would you change if you did it again? How do sports come into play? (Ha)
    We know this is what we’re going to do, and now just need to implement it.

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      My mom pulled me out in first grade and I was homeschooled through high school.

      The logistics of pulling your kid out will vary greatly from state to state. I always reccomend HSLDA for their legal tips on this. They are a very conservative Christian org, but they’ve been around since the 90s. Sports in my state are handled on the district level. Some of the bigger support groups put together teams that competed with local private schools.

      My parents did some things wrong and some things right, but overall I was more prepared for college study than many of my peers.

    2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      We were homeschooled from the beginning, so no advice on that. Sports stuff my family did (from the elementary age, so some of it will be for smaller kids but will give you an idea): homeschool org soccer team, neighborhood swim team, YMCA summer swim team, year-round swim team (my brother got quite serious in highschool), little league baseball, YMCA basketball league, and an adult short term volleyball team. Also, my dad does pickleball.

      If you live in a big homeschooling area, you might find some some homeschooling org sports options, which will likely be fairly low skill but great if you just want some fun exercise. Check out the local YMCA or whoever owns any non-school basketball courts & soccer fields etc, there will very likely be some sports stuff going on. Probably mostly for elementary kids, but the adult geared stuff is an option too. Also, you can play too instead of sitting on the bleachers waiting for practice to end because you are the one with the driver’s license (unless your kid is already old enough to have their own).

      For more serious stuff, a lot of the high school level travel teams aren’t school affiliated, so you can join them like any other family (try-outs etc). Also, in some areas public school allow (or are legally required to allow) homeschoolers to participate in extra curriculars, so be sure to check that out. That’s probably your only option for football & track and field, or at least I’ve never heard of a team not attached to a high school or college.

      Asterisk for all of the above: Covid.

      Speaking of college, the community college is a great resource for homeschoolers. Any classes you don’t want to teach or lack the resources for, send the kid to community college for. It’s kind of expensive, but should be transferable credits for real college, so it’s a savings in the end. I did chemistry, my brothers did chemistry and physics. Might be able to do sports with them as well, come to think.

      The Teaching Company’s Great Course are a great tool. (Always buy on sale! They are like 1/4 price.) They are college level lectures originally designed for adults who wanted to continue to learn, but homeschoolers found out about them too. My mom would often center a history course around them. Add in assigned reading (library books are great) and an appropriate amount of research papers, maybe a museum (or visit museum websites, you can see a lot of cool paintings that way from a continent away) or a battlefield, and some discussions, and you’ve got a pretty solid course. Also, you can listen to them in the car. We often did a lot of learning on the way to and from vacations. Cars are pretty great places to discuss school topics as well.

      Speaking of museums, it’s best to time your visits for the first week the local school is back in session. They’ll be gloriously empty. Going to anything while school is in session is one of the delightful fringe benefits of homeschooling.

      If you have specific questions, I’d be delighted to answer, though my perspective is from the homeschoolee rather than the parent.

    3. Thankful for AAM*

      Congratulations, this is very exciting!! I have a lot to say, long reply!, but most important is to remember that you can figure this out over time, you don’t have to get it right, right away. And you can go into it with one idea and switch it up when you realize you want to go in a different direction.

      There are likely some local homeschool groups in your area you can connect to. It helps to find the locals as they have done much of the work in understanding the specific laws/documentation you have to create and keep and in local resources. In my area, they are almost all religious groups and that is not our thing but I homeschooled my elementary age son for a bit and we did things with those groups to access sciency stuff and sports.
      There are also some online curricula you can buy/follow but you can also create your own. In my area, high school homeschoolers can dual enroll in local colleges. My friend’s daughter earned about 2 years of college credit that way for free. Now my district also allows homeschool students to join after school sports and activities. So finding what yours offers can help a lot.

      I think the key thing is – what does your homeschooler want to accomplish? Are they very focused on something specific they want to do/learn, in getting into college, in math or politics or writing above all else, or in working and gaining experience while they learn? Do they want to recreate school at home or something closer to unschooling? Do they want to take the lead, do they want you to, how do they envision this? And what do you hope to get out of this?

    4. Thankful for AAM*

      Funny story, my son entered public school for the first time in middle school.
      He was completely gobsmacked that:
      1. you had to ask for permission to go to the toilet or to move around in any way. IDK why but that was not something I thought to prepare him for.
      2. on the first day he heard a kid say, “ive had enough of this sh*t, I’m gettin me a hall pass to get out of here.” It was an abrupt way for him to learn that other kids did not want to be there or to be learning.

      Just like he had some adjustment to do when entering school, there is an adjustment period when leaving school. School is so much about external rewards and when you are not in school, those drop away. You have to do things because you are internally motivated. Even if you are leaving school because you are motivated to learn more, when the formal structures drop away, you can need some time to adjust and make school your own.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Libraries are starting to pay more and more attention to home schoolers, so you might want to check there, also.

    6. OyHiOh*

      I
      I’m going to assume you are not thinking about homeschool for religious reasons; if you are, skip my comment completely, it won’t apply.
      Slightly different perspective:

      I was homeschooled until the start of 8th grade, then attended a pair of rather conservative religious/lutheran schools for 8th grade, high school, and 2 years of college.

      Unless you live in a good size community (at least 100,000, but size definitely improves your range of possible options) that is reasonably homeschool literate (in many states, homeschooled students are allowed to participate in public school extra curiculars and sports but many school districts do not know this, or fight it as much as they can), and you’re prepared to make sure your student is out and involved in their community socially and otherwise, I would absolutely not recommend a true home school program.

      If you use an online charter school for curriculum, that’s one thing and your student will probably be fine academically. I’d still worry about social and culture but at least they’ll be college/vocational school ready at the end of it. However, most high school homeschool curriculum is written for the people who homeschool for religious reasons and the high school curriculums are academically substandard in about every way you can imagine, plus heavily afflicted with American exceptionalism and rah rah white savior/yay colonialism!!! mindsets. If this is what you want, look at Classical Conversations or Abeka – they’re not amazing but they’re better than the rest.

      What really concerns me about homeschooling in general, having been through it myself, is that the program of study can be very good for a certain kind of student (me! I’m a terrific book learner and test taker) while also being very damaging and isolating at the same time. There’s a lot said about the negative influences of a peer social group – and not often do we talk about the positive impact of that peer social group. I didn’t learn how to talk with peers. I didn’t have any of the normal and typical experiences of a classroom and peer social group and that has literally followed me through much of my adult life. Decades out of high school, I have learned how to navigate peer groups. I feel pretty awkward sometimes but it’s helped to learn that lots of people feel awkward for lots of different reasons and I manage well, most of the time. But I don’t think people should just “manage” and “figure it out” when they’re forced to as adults in the workforce. I think that our school years are a training ground of sorts and the more people, teachers, and experiences a teen has opportunity to interact with, the stronger an adult they will be. I’m assuming that the school is a safe place for the student, of course because bully students and bully teachers erase any advantage the construct of “school” offers.

      So, if you’re going to do it – and there are good reasons to get some students out of traditional classrooms – I would use an online charter school for curriculum, and prioritize a couple out-of-th-house hobbies and/or extra curricular activities so that they either maintain relationships or have opportunities to develop new ones.

      I would stay out of homeschool organizations, unless you can find one that is explicitly secular and enforces boundaries around religious conversations. For the same reason, I would steer away from HSLDA – they are virulently Christian and fear driven in their approach.

      1. PT*

        “I think that our school years are a training ground of sorts and the more people, teachers, and experiences a teen has opportunity to interact with, the stronger an adult they will be. ”

        You say this because you did not go to a traditional middle and high school and see what brutal, savage monsters “peers” can be. Many students are lucky to graduate alive and in one piece.

        1. kt*

          Kids are different and places are different. I am a total nerd and was lucky enough to go to public schools that basically did alright by me. I was the only person I knew, though, at my engineering college that actually liked school and had friends who understood me (it was a small and very selective engineering school). Many of them had terrible school experiences; I feel like the foundation of my understanding of diversity in people, talents, personalities, everything was laid in my public high school, where I hung out with everyone from stoners and car thieves to people who are now professors at Yale (and these were not mutually exclusive ;) ). So, check out your own community.

          I did a bunch of extracurriculars with homeschoolers and people in non-traditional schooling. It was interesting, & useful for them.

        2. Sometimes things just suck*

          I had a brutal experience through all my years of schooling and I agree with the poster you’re responding to. I barely made it out in one piece AND it made me a stronger adult. Just my experience/opinion.

          1. Observer*

            That’s one of the strongest condemnations of public school I’ve heard. There are many ways of raising a strong and resilient adult that does not include a years long “brutal” experience from which a child “barely made it out in one piece”.

            The fact that you think that this is still the best way to ensure a child’s social education says that while you may be stronger, you are lacking in some other significant areas.

            1. Sometimes things just suck*

              I actually didn’t make any of the arguments you’re attributing to me; I related one aspect of my own experience, without drawing any conclusions, in order to suggest that there might be some complexity there beyond “high school bad.”

              Of course I would have preferred to develop resilience in a gentler and more measured way. I also would have preferred that for the other experiences in my life (surviving a serious illness, for example, or living with PTSD) that have given me strength and perspective. But sometimes it doesn’t work out that way, and it’s OK to see the positives in surviving difficult things even though we wish things were better.

              But thanks for telling me I’m wrong to feel how I feel about my own life. Extremely helpful.

              1. Observer*

                You get to feel how you feel about your own life – that’s not my business.

                But when you tell someone that they are probably making a bad decision for their kid and your basis is that your “brutal” experience, that you are lucky you “came out of in once piece” is still a better choice, it’s perfectly reasonable for others to weigh in.

                I’m not attributing anything to you that you did not say – there is a reason I quoted your own words back to you.

        3. Harvey 6'3.5"*

          As always, it depends. Two stories. My sons’ public middle school also mainstreamed ADHD kids, so all of the other kids were given peer training on how to support fellow students and resist bullying. One son was undiagnosed but probably on the spectrum, the older wasn’t, but both had good experiences because the kids were trained to be nice (and it took). It was a wealthier community.

          My daughter always went to private religious school and many classes were not as nice. It does happen that my daughter’s class was a fantastic group of kids, where even at prom, the “queen bee” girls literally made a spreadsheet of who had a date, and if a kid didn’t have a date, they arranged an appropriate match, which my daughter really appreciated. So everyone had a prom date and had fun (at the very heavily supervised prom and post prom party, surrounded by parents all night).

        4. TL -*

          Kids do bully but of all my friends and acquaintances who went to public school, only one was bullied (and though not acceptable, it wasn’t on the extreme end; the worst of it was someone dumped a slushy on her head when walking by) and one was a bully/mean girl (reformed by the time I met her.)

          I will say, talking to my homeschooled friends and relatives, there are a lot of experiences they missed out on that they didn’t even really know existed. It’s definitely a tradeoff.

      2. Observer*

        For a lot of kids the “typical” school experience is soul crushing and / or damaging. And for a lot of others it’s not bad, but it doesn’t really add anything.

        The idea that homeschooling is bad or doesn’t give kids an opportunity to learn social skills is simply not the case. I’m not arguing that your experience was good. But that doesn’t make this a universal, or near universal, experience. And, I’m wondering why there was no one in your actual school years to help you out, either.

      3. Elf*

        I agree with you that explicitly secular is important, but I think you may overestimate how much difference being in schools would have made in your ability to have peer interactions. I certainly didn’t learn how despite being in public schools all the way through. I think awkwardness around peers is much less a product of environment than people think.

        In any case, the kid here is already in high school, so she either already has a group of friends she can continue to see or is in a bad social situation that would not be improved by remaining in the school.

        1. Lizy*

          Exactly. While the kids aren’t bad, necessarily, he’s definitely being influenced in ways we’re not ok with.

          1. Red Sunglasses*

            How is your child feeling about the decision/how much were they a factor in the decision making process?

          2. allathian*

            Influenced in what way? Is he being taught things at school that you’d rather he didn’t learn, or is he spending time with other kids you’d rather he didn’t spend time with? If the latter’s the case, good luck. Kids will find ways to spend time with people their parents disapprove of. I hope you’re not planning on isolating him socially.

            I always figured that doing a decent job homeschooling meant that one parent had to become a full-time homeschool teacher.

            1. Lizy*

              Essentially, the latter, although there’s much more too it. We’re definitely not planning on isolating him – tbh it’s an accountability thing more than anything.

  18. Laura H.*

    Little joys thread.

    What brought you joy this week?

    I got my toes tamed with a pedicure at a place close to where I work, and while I think I’ll stick to my usual place (because I like them- this new to me one was just closer) I happily don’t have toe claws anymore. Sadly, my mother paid for my manipedi at my usual place… I’m gonna suggest she see if she can get it instead.

    And someone apparently paid for my dinner last night at the Mexican Restaurant also close to where I work.

    Please share your little joys and I hope y’all have/ had wonderful holidays.

    1. Retail Not Retail*

      I can’t say work stuff without completely outing myself – redacted did redacted and then i saw 3 redacted do redacted but no one else did so i felt special!

      Pokemon go, ha, just hit level 41 this morning.

    2. Mimmy*

      -Being told by one of my students that she’ll miss working with me when she finishes my class in a couple of weeks

      -Finally having some time to do a jigsaw puzzle

      1. fposte*

        God, I love jigsaw puzzles. I’ve been doing them on my tablet in an app that lets you upload your own images; the piece-cutting is horrendously weird, so it’s really hard, but something about the tablet makes me slightly less obsessive than a table of unconnected pieces.

        1. Mimmy*

          I’ve thought about doing an app in order to save on physical space, but I’m old-fashioned and prefer the real thing lol.

    3. Queer Earthling*

      We don’t usually let the cats sleep in our room, but we decided to try it last night; Spouse and I sleep in twin beds, and we have two cats, so we got one cat per bed almost all night, just purring gently and being Very Good Boys. My cat only got up for a few minutes to check on my metamour (who sleeps in a different room) when he heard him get up, then came back to sleep on me. Both cats are usually pretty loud, but I think they recognized the opportunity because they both tried to be extra quiet all night.

      I feel a little bad because Metamour usually gets both the cats, but he seems to be coping.

    4. I edit everything*

      We got our Christmas tree up and simultaneously enjoyed the streamed Christmas concert of one of my favorite choral groups, Chanticleer. It was nice family time, which we’ve been having trouble with recently.

    5. Frankie Bergstein*

      My small joy this week is playlists! I made one for exercising and one for starting up the day.

    6. Bobina*

      Some Youtube chefs were quite entertaining, and now I have a recipe for sort of fried chicken that I’d really like to try!

    7. Thankful for AAM*

      I’m only being a little sarcastic that it made my day that the man I asked to cover his nose actually kept it covered when he walked away to the back of the building and he still has it covered as he is walking back to the exit.

    8. GoryDetails*

      Had a lovely snowstorm here – the light, fluffy kind, relatively easy to shovel even for me {wry grin}, and very pretty to look at. (I didn’t have to go anywhere so I got to enjoy it while sipping cocoa and petting the cats. And yes, it made me very, very sleepy; barely woke up in time for today’s family roleplaying game via Zoom!)

    9. cleo*

      I made cookies over the last 2 weekends and dropped them off to 2 different friends.

      And I saw the sunrise.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      A friend noticed my driveway was not cleared and sent someone with a bucket loader to start to clear my driveway. I definitely would have broken my tractor if I had tried to do it on my own. Tears of joy, just tears.

    12. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      After nine months, I finally saw my workmates again. We’re really close and I really missed being with them.

    13. NRG*

      I found a pound of butter in my freezer that I thought I’d used. It was like finding 4 little sticks of gold.

    14. Clisby*

      After fearing that every single live Christmas tree in Charleston had already been bought, I scored one at a place that was down to its last 3. And our grad-school daughter with adorable tortoiseshell cat will be with us for a couple of weeks (we all covid-tested negative before she came.)

    15. Tabby*

      Watching The Mayans on Hulu. I don’t know why, but watchg Danny Pino go over to the dark side is giving me the giggles. I normally do not like drug cartel/gangbanger shows and movies, but the guy does a really good job of being creepy, bugged out, and slightly unhinged while looking like some kind of bespoke, kind of pretty gentleman. It’s weird as hell, and im here for it.

  19. Funky Hair Thread*

    I’m slowly working up the courage to dye my hair a funky color at home. Since I have dark brown hair, I’d have to bleach it to get a fun color. I’m thinking of using the Manic Panic bleach kit with a Limecrime color— apparently Manic Panic colors bleed and stain a lot, and I don’t want that. Soooo tips for this? I’d bleach it, blow dry it, then add the color? Do I do a conditioner in between? I’ve only ever done box dye before & those were just one or two shades different. But I really want magenta hair!

    1. Lena Clare*

      I’ve got dark brown hair and I recommend bleaching it at a salon professionally. You may need more than 1 visit to get the base you want.
      Bleaching it at home will give you orange hair…ask me how I know!

      1. R342*

        My hair is also dark brown. I bleached it at home then put electric blue dye on. If you’re putting a bright colour on top it’s likely to be fine.

        2. R342*

          (forgot to say the crucial part which is that my hair was bright orange after the bleach but was the promised shade of blue at the end)

      2. pancakes*

        I had good results bleaching my brown hair myself and going fire engine red in the 90s, but it’s not quite dark brown to begin with, more of a medium brown that goes dirty blonde in lots of sun. It was fine, though red is more high maintenance / tends to fades faster than other bright colors. Do a spot test with all of this stuff before applying it to your full head, even if you haven’t had allergic reactions in the past.

    3. Disco Janet*

      Watch a LOT of tutorials. If you want to not fry your hair, you’re going to need to do some research on developers, olaplex, and how to section your hair/order of application, etc. it’s honestly WAY more than I could type in a comment and is easier to understand when you’re actually seeing someone do it. Buy more bleach than you think you’ll need.

      I also have dark brown hair and I’ve had lots of fun colors over the years…but I won’t attempt it at home anymore. It’s just so easy to damage your hair when you’re lightening it that much. I now go to a stylist who specializes in funky colors. Once it’s dyed, I recommend Viral shampoo and/or Overtone conditioner to keep the color – fun colors don’t get into the hair follicle as well, so they wash out much more quickly if you don’t do some upkeep.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have red hair that totally blows off ANY hair dye if it’s not bleached first, and after one horrific bleaching incident at home (I cried for a week), I have the bleaching part done by a professional once every 12-18 months and then do my bright funky colors at home with touchups as necessary. (I have butt-length hair and do my funky colors from the shoulders down, so over the course of the year the level of the color drifts down my back as it grows, then when I have the bleaching done it goes back up to shoulder level, but I never have to worry about roots.)

      The last several years, I use Arctic Fox for my colors, and it holds up really well. Very little bleeding after the first wash, and the purple in particular fades in such a manner that I can legit go six to eight months or more between touch-ups — it starts out a gorgeous deep dark purple, and gradually fades to a beautiful wine shade.

    5. Loafing Around*

      I did this earlier this year! Watch a ton of tutorials, bleach then tone then color. Ideally you should do lots of deep conditioning leading up to the bleach step, then between the bleach and toning steps (waiting a week or two between those), but I did it all in one go and it was okay. I used manic panic bleach, wella toner and Arctic Fox dye. My best tip (besides watching tons and tons of videos on how to do this) would be to start at the ends and maybe do just the bottom couple inches of your hair the first time, just so that if anything goes wrong, a quick snip will fix it.

    6. gendervoidkillua*

      Yeah, if you bleach at home your hair is probably going to end up more yellow/orange than white. For me it’s never been an issue, I do use the manic panic colors as well and it just means the first time I dye my hair it ends up more green than the color I wanted (I usually do mine blue). I *personally* have not had any issues with my hair bleaching it at home, even with leaving the bleach on for a solid hour (my hair is jet black), but my hair tends to be pretty forgiving in general and I also don’t use products/blow dry it on the regular. I’ve also never done conditioner before color, but I leave the color on for a super long time and try to avoid washing it for as long as possible afterwards. I also don’t bother blow drying it in between, just towel dry and then add color. You’ve already bought your bleach, but if this is something you want to continue doing, I recently switched from the manic panic bleach kits to a bleach with the toner built in and I’m really liking it so that may be something you want to look into as well.

    7. Queer Earthling*

      Manic Panic does bleed a lot, although the colors are nice and the dye smells really good. I do want to note that LimeCrime is kind of a terrible human being. (Attempts legal action against negative reviewers, dressed as Hitler one time, among other things. You can google if you’re in the mood to get outraged.) Arctic Fox is supposed to be super good though! I’ve also had surprisingly decent, if short-term, results with L’Oreal Colorista, which I can buy at the grocery store, which might not be a bad idea if you want to just try it out? They even have colors you can do over darker hair without bleach, which work fine although are not as vibrant.

      I bleach and dye my dirty blonde hair at home* without too much difficulty, though obviously your mileage may vary. In my experience, my hair is happiest if I bleach one day, condition it (NO shampoo) that night, and then dye the next day. This was especially true when my hair was curly because not conditioning would literally knot it up overnight, but this last year it straightened itself somehow and that’s less of a concern; this method still seems to work okay.

      I also find my color lasts longer if I use a conditioner in the appropriate color. You can either buy conditioner in your preferred shade, or mix a little (very little!) bit of your hair dye with a bottle of conditioner.

      *important footnote: my spouse (who was once a license beautician) does it or at least oversees it, and I already have a short queer/punk hairstyle so if it gets messed up I don’t mind buzzing it all off. You may not have these advantages.

      2. Funky Hair Thread*

        Thanks for the headsup about Limecrime— if thought that was Jeffree Star and didn’t remember they’re also bad. Definitely don’t want to support that company now!

    8. RagingADHD*

      If you’ve never bleached before, I highly recommend doing just the ends to test the effect before doing your whole head. If it’s terrible you can trim it off.

      Yes, definitely condition the heck out of it. I’d advise letting it air dry and waiting at least one day (a couple would be better) before putting the funky color on. The more processes you do (including heat), the more damage. You can spare your hair a bit by skipping the blow dry.

    9. Nerdling*

      I took the plunge on this back in May or June. I have naturally very dark hair, so it took two rounds of bleaching. One of the best tips I picked up from watching lots of tutorials first was to moisturize my hair overnight with coconut oil under a shower cap immediately prior. One round of bleach, then toning. Then I waited about a week before bleaching and toning again. Still doing LOTS of conditioning, especially with coconut oil. Then I dyed it purple. Its since faded and washed out, so I’m a really nice blonde except where I have about three inches of roots from sheer laziness. Hahaha!

      For products, I went to Sally’s and got Ion brand powdered bleach, a 30-volume developer to mix with it, and the nice WELLA T14 ash blonde toner. I used an Ion Brights purple dye with 10-volume developer. Also an Ion color sealer. Then it was all cold washes to preserve the color as long as possible.

      Whatever you decide, good luck!

    11. ....*

      Bleaching your hair at home is nothing a good idea at all. It’s not going to turn that bleached white color in one or even two sessions If it’s dark. You will end up with orange overprocessed cotton candy for hair! Definitely want to bleach at a salon only and even then it will be a lot of work to prevent damage.

      1. Lizzie*

        Another thing to consider is how you will deal with the dark regrowth; it will be tricky to bleach just the regrowth by yourself without bleaching the already bleached and dyed part, which will be hard on your hair. Obviously hairdressers know how to do it! I am sure there will be YouTube instructions on it, though.

    12. Cedrus Libani*

      I have dark brown hair, and as a graduation present to myself, I did the funky hair thing. Went neon pink.

      That was fun. But a month later, I was blonde with 3/4″ dark roots, and I was an unemployed former grad student who shouldn’t be dropping that kind of money at the salon. So I did it myself. Two cycles of bleach later, the roots were still orange. Three cycles later, the roots were blonde, and the rest of my hair was coming off in clumps as I washed it. Long story short, I was rocking a white-blonde 3/4″ clipper cut. Which I thought was awesome, and I kept it that way for awhile on purpose…but if this scenario sounds like a disaster to you, do not bleach your own hair!

      Some things I learned: It’s basically impossible to do a targeted bleach on your own roots. I was able to simply massage the bleach mix into my scalp, after adding baby shampoo to make it thinner, but that bleaches the whole hair. My hair (average Caucasian texture) disintegrates like clockwork after 5 bleaches. I bleached every two weeks, which is about how long the vivid colors last, so my hair was always between 8-10 weeks of growth long (so around 1.5″ all over). I never used shampoo other than for the bleaching, as it strips color and fries the hair even worse, I just washed with conditioner.

      I had good luck with the Pravana Locked-In color series. Like it says, the color stays where you apply it. It still fades over time, but it doesn’t ruin your shower or your linens. Be advised that darker colors are more forgiving of uneven and incomplete bleaching. I once made the mistake of going pastel gray – the roots were brown, the ultra-bleached tips were steel blue, and most of the rest was a Swamp Thing grayish-green. I looked like I had Spanish moss growing on my head. Not cute.

  20. Washi*

    I have a question about HBO’s Gentleman Jack, if anyone has watched it: why does everyone except Anne Lister have a northern accent? Is it a signal that Anne is more cultured and well-traveled? I assume it’s intentional but being from the US, I’m not sure what it means.

    1. Jemima Bond*

      Guessing, but it could be a class thing – until fairly recently it was considered more educated, higher class, “better”, to try to speak in a more Received Pronunciation way, rather than use any regional accent. I think Anne Lister was a landowner so would have had money and been rather middle class at least so would have been brought up to speak more RP or made an effort to do so. I haven’t seen the series though so if other characters that are of similar class sound very northern then that’s odd!
      I’m pretty sure that the actress playing Lister used to be in a soap called Coronation Street so she either has or can competently do a south Lancs/Mancunian accent – not exactly the same as Yorkshire but a lot closer to it than RP. So it’s not an actress ability thing, like Robin Hood Prince Of Thieves lol.

    3. DistantAudacity*

      Yes, it should be a very clear class marker (I haven’t seen it – it’s on my list). Anne Lister would have been landed gentry-ish. Interesting what Ann Walker has. She would be of similar status, but with a more provincial background.

      Note: class here is not tied to economic status! Think Austen, and «Emma», where you see this quite well.

      1. Washi*

        So my follow up question is why her sister Marian also has a Yorkshire accent? Marian doesn’t own the land but isn’t she the same class as her sister? Now I’m thinking that it might be because Anne Lister is a bit of a class snob, so maybe she’s cultivated it on purpose whereas Marian hasn’t bothered.

        I definitely recommend the show! The costumes are gorgeous and I love the soundtrack, as well as the show itself being good.

        1. RagingADHD*

          I haven’t watched the whole thing, but my impression was that Anne had traveled and been involved with a more cosmopolitan social set, while her sister stayed home? Is that right? (I may have my stories mixed up).

          People’s accents change when they live away from home, particularly when they are trying to fit in with a different crowd.

      1. udon the day away*

        They’re filming it right now! Some fun behind-the-scenes pics on Suranne Jones’ Instagram page.

  21. Kong’s Biggest Fan*

    Here’s a long shot question but I’m hoping someone might have an idea of how to track this down. In 2009, the author Stephen King came to a Maryland Walmart for a book signing because it was the Walmart that sold the most of his books in the country. My mother, HUGE Stephen King fan, went and was interviewed by a news crew while she stood in line. She made it onto the news for their story, with the newscaster joking she was his biggest fan, Misery style. Anyway, we recorded that bit of the news on our DVR.

    However my mother has recently moved out of her hone and the DVR was wiped before I could save the footage. Now it’s gone and seems to be nowhere online. There are plenty of brief articles talking about Kong’s visit but none with actual video clips. No luck in YouTube either. And I can’t even recall which specific Maryland news channel it was. Any thoughts on if there is any way to track down this footage? Other than blindly writing all the local news stations and hoping one responds, I have no ideas and am worried it’s lost forever.

    1. Dizzy Belle*

      I work for a local television station, not in Maryland. Few local television stations keep full archives of every news broadcast for 10+ years; the ones that do, may have only a rudimentary indexing system that may not have the right key words it would take to find it. In this day and age with staff reductions and dropping ad revenues, there is no one there whose time is well spent trying to look up an old news segment that admittedly probably aired on a different station. But writing to all the local news stations is absolutely your only option – nobody else would have. Bummer but this is the truth,

      1. pancakes*

        Video clipping services might have it, though, if they still exist. A quick search suggests that some do, though I can’t vouch for any one in particular. These are basically what companies and people that monitor their own press used to use to keep track of their publicity before Google alerts were a thing.

    2. WellRed*

      Any chance The Walmart is still there and maybe has a manager or other longtime employee who taped it and saved it. Real long shot, I know.

    3. Little Miss Cranky Pants*

      Your instinct to contact the TV stations if a good one; they might have the clip in their morgue/archive. You might find a sympathetic staffer by waving the “little old lady who might die soon” card. Might.

      Also, track down Stephen King fansites and see if someone else may have recorded it. I once got backstage passes to an Aerosmith show because I had saved a print ad for a Joe Perry solo show, and the management company wanted it for a potential lawsuit against the promoter. Hardcore fans sometimes save the weirdest stuff…. :)

    4. Red Sky*

      A quick google search shows the signing took place in Dundalk MD, I would start by emailing the local news stations there basically stating what you posted here with a bit more identify details such as your mother’s name. I tried searching the local news station’s websites, but it doesn’t look like the results go that far back.

      You could also try a Baltimore County Public Library reference librarian, I’ve found them extremely helpful when researching all manner of things. Good luck and I hope you’re able to locate this for your mom!

    5. Dizzy Belle*

      Oh if you can nail down the exact day that it happened, from the newspaper articles and other sources, that will definitely help a bit when you write/call the TV stations.

    6. Michelle*

      I’m not sure if this link will be helpful or not. It is a news clip of the event done by WBZ News where several people are interviewed, but I have no idea if one is your mother, or if this is the right clip.

      https://archive.org/details/WJZ_20091111_230000_Eyewitness_News_at_6/start/1140/end/1200

      The page opens weird (on my computer). You need to use the scroll bar at the bottom of the page to move through the news stories. The Stephen King one begins at 6:19.

      2. King’s Biggest Fan*

        Sadly no, that’s not the clip with my mom but thanks for digging it up! At least I can cross that news channel off the list to write to.

    9. internet nerd*

      I posted a link but it must be caught in moderation. Google: Stephen king Walmart Dundalk Maryland fans line 2009. Click on the video tab of google results. There are two Internet Archive results from November 11, WJZ Eyewitness News at 5 and the same at 6:00. Any chance that is it?

      1. King’s Biggest Fan*

        Sadly no, that’s not the clip with my mom but thanks for digging it up! At least I can cross that news channel off the list to write to.

  22. Casey*

    I asked for personal experiences with antidepressants here a couple weeks ago and a couple days later managed to get a last minute appointment with the psychiatrist, so ya girl is now on Zoloft (generic)!

    I started taking it while I was preparing for finals, which, in hindsight, maybe I could have waited? I was having a hard time telling side effects of stress from side effects of the SSRI. And even now, I finished my finals at 11:30 pm last night so that could be an explanation for why I feel so much better.

    Butttt I am feeling better! The psych and most of you said that meds aren’t a get-mentally-healthy-quick solution, they just make it easier, which I’ve found to be the case. Before I would have a thought like “I’m going to fail all my classes” and that would spiral into despair and lethargy that really put me on track towards failing, and none of my coping mechanismd seemed to help. Now I have that thought and it’s way easier to push it away, like “okay, well, let’s try and only fail half” or talk to someone. I am cautiously optimistic that the spring semester will go better than this fall!

    Some side effects I did experience: upset stomach that makes it hard to eat sometimes; headaches; dry skin that caused a pretty bad breakout but I am religiously applying CeraVe; more acute fatigue — I was tired all the time before, but adjusting to the meds meant yawning every five minutes all day. I’m still ramping up the dosage to see what’s right for me, so I’m not out of the woods yet, but I wanted to thank everyone who shared! It really helped calm my nerves.

    1. mreasy*

      Headaches and nausea tend to be the type of side effects that go away once your body adjusts. It’s so lovely to hear the meds are helping!

    3. CoffeeIsMyFriend*

      I agree that the headaches and nausea should go away (I always get nausea when stopping or starting a med).
      Also want to add that if they don’t, don’t hesitate to go back to your doctor! I was on Paxil but it made me sweat terribly and caused really bad restless legs, and my doctor switched me to Celexa which worked just as well for my depression without those side effects. Paxil also made me more tired then Celexa. My brother on the other hand, had side effects with Celexa and had good luck with Zoloft. Never hesitate to advocate for yourself, and ask lots of questions during appointments.
      Glad you are doing better!

    4. JC Books*

      I am taking generic Zoloft. I started on smallest dose. I am now on a higher dose.
      To minimize the side effects, I take it at night. Hope you feel even better in the next few weeks! It really made a huge difference.

    5. Notthemomma*

      Horrible, horrible analogous, but I’m sleepy so you get what you get :-). Finding the right dedication is similar to finding the exact right pair of shoes. Some people will swear by and only wear brand A, others brand B. But you need to be self aware enough to know what does and doesn’t work for you by the medication, the dosage, and delivery.
      I’ve been on several because the weren’t right or the effectiveness changed over time. The important thing is you took that first step!!!
      Knowing the dumb stigmas some people hold, I want you to know my friend, I am giving you a virtual hug for the strength in simply making that call. Pat yourself on the back and take care.

  23. nep*

    Hope OK for this forum–If not, please flag/delete…
    Has anyone been following the troubles surrounding the NY Times Caliphate podcast? NY Times published a report of its review yesterday, but apparently the reporting has been a source of controversy for a good while. As a (former) reporter, I find this all fascinating to read.
    I put ‘former’ in parentheses because once a reporter/journalist, always a reporter/journalist.
    A great line I saw in a piece in The New Republic yesterday: ‘Journalism suffers when it dramatizes its own construction.’

    1. DistantAudacity*

      I’ve seen it. It’s always good when there’s transparancy about what has happened around things like this.
      To me, this is similar to when there have been authors/writers/reporters lying about their backgrounds or work, and getting the fake stuff published. Good to get it out in the open when it is discovered.

      I’ve not paid enough attention to the why’s and the how’s it slipped through all the checks, though.

      1. pancakes*

        This isn’t quite transparency. People have been pointing to big ethics problems with this journalist’s work for many months. I’ll link to something in a separate reply.

        2. DistantAudacity*

          Thanks! I must admit I just skimmed the headlines.

          Yeah, that’s not great, is it. A proper clearing up is def needed.

          1. pancakes*

            They don’t have a good history of doing proper clearing-ups, is the thing. The way NYT handled its 2018 half-apology for publishing loads of dodgy articles demonizing “crack babies” throughout the 1980s and 90s is a good example, I think, of how it tends to handle big problems: Decades later the paper admitted to what many, many critics observed while it was happening, with no indication whatsoever about what it plans to do, if anything, to prevent it from happening again. In 2018 the editorial board admitted that much of the 1980s and 90s reporting on this topic was based on “totally unsubstantiated” research and figures “clearly drawn from myth,” without delving into how, exactly, it came to be published in the first place, let alone what they’re doing to prevent it from happening again.

    2. Reba*

      Yes, in fact I remember rolling my eyes about out of my head several years back at the reporter’s story of her epiphany about Arabic in Mali.

      Several journalists and academics have done great threads about how much this is revealing of the basic islamophobia and orientalism in our culture/media that this whole mess reveals (links to follow).

      1. Reba*

        Alia Malek
        https://twitter.com/AliaMalek/status/1340045572015796225

        The Mali thing is discussed in this post by Alex Thurston
        https://sahelblog.wordpress.com/2020/10/02/rukmini-callimachis-broken-clock-moment-in-timbuktu/

        And the whole idea NYT is floating that because it was a podcast something something something… the writer’s work before the podcast was bad, too. !!!!

        I’m mad about this because it has to do with regions of the world where people I care about live. And her reporting has impacted policy and people’s lives, not for the better.

        1. nep*

          Just getting to look at these links. In the Alex Thurston piece, he cites an article that has her saying (in Mali): ‘Because I couldn’t read them, I didn’t think they were very important.’
          My head hurts. I can’t even conceive / produce any words to describe my reaction to that.

        1. Reba*

          One of the links I posted that will pop up, explains it in some detail as a “stopped clock moment.” In summary, she saw a document in Arabic when she was in Mali in 2012-2013. Her “epiphany” was that since Mali is officially francophone, any Arabic document was necessarily from the outside, i.e., from the Islamic State. This is a wholly incorrect premise, although she did report some IS stuff from the documents.

          The eyeroll is her basic ignorance that somehow went uncorrected, because it was an exciting, scary-islam narrative. If she had known *anything* about Mali–and as a reporter for a prominent newspaper assigned to that area, she really should have–she would have known that there is a long tradition of Arabic education in Mali and its neighbors (many people are educated in Arabic and Quranic recitation who don’t learn French), that indeed one of the world’s notable libraries of Arabic manuscripts is in northern Mali, and finally that there are actual Arabs in that country. Like, Malian journalists were able to read the document for her, therefore they read Arabic, yet Arabic is foreign Islamist code???

          1. nep*

            Right. How much deference is a reporter giving to people on the ground (as journalists MUST do) in such instances? Kind of unbelievable.

          2. nep*

            (We were in the region at the same time and I ran into her/was in contact w her a few times. Not going into detail about it, but this all has me doing some interesting reflection.)

            1. Reba*

              !!!!

              I really hope more people, not only journalism people, do some reflecting on this!

              Thanks for starting this thread, nep.

              1. nep*

                (I mean personal as well as professional. Agree, though–always good to reflect on so many aspects of this.)

      1. Reba*

        The sole source for the podcast made it all up.

        “Troubles” is really understating it! The NY Times is issuing corrections and discussing it, but not actually retracting this podcast downloaded 30 million times or something. The reporter has developed the Islamic state as her beat, and there have been ethical issues raised about her work several times, the podcast being the latest and most explosive.

          1. Reba*

            Sorry, didn’t mean to nitpick! Just to say, it’s pretty bad and complicated. So yeah, “troubled.” :)

    4. pancakes*

      Yes, I’ve been following it. Have you seen the tweet pointing out that they also didn’t disclose an odd conflict of one of the authors of the article about the investigation? A journo with the Globe & Mail pointed this out:

      “It is…very strange? to me? that a publication would run a long investigation into what it admits is a failure, but not disclose that one of the investigation’s authors is married to the second-most-powerful politician in a country where the story is set?”

      (He is referring to Graham Bowley, who is married to Deputy PM Chrystia Freeland).

      1. fposte*

        Tangentially, I didn’t realize there was a Canadian MP named Candice Bergen, whose politics seem quite different from the Murphy Brown Candice Bergen.

    5. nep*

      The very thing of starting the podcast with this big fanfare before the reporting and fact-checking were complete–that seems like one of the big issues here.

    6. Dear liza dear liza*

      I also hate that the NYT will bounce back but has given the conspiracy/Fox News types another rallying cry as to why you can’t trust the “lame stream media.” A free press is essential to serve as watchdog over those in power, and attacks on it are heart breaking. (When I point out that trustworthy media admit when they are wrong, I just get eye rolls.)

  24. Kiwi*

    So my husband and I got COVID (he brought it home from work right in time for his 30th). Any ideas of stuff to do now that we’re super isolated? I’m running a D&D game today with friends and he bought a new videogame but we’re quarantined til the 30th…

    1. WellRed*

      Reading, streaming whole tv seasons, organizing the closet (if you feel well enough), paint the bathroom. Up your cooking or baking skills.

      1. Kiwi*

        Oooh I have 4 whole closets that need organizing, I think that could keep us going for a while. I still have work but the husband’s gonna need a job to do!

    2. Michelle*

      -Holiday baking or making a special meal together (if you can get groceries delivered).
      -Tackle an organizing project that you have been putting off–go through your closet, clean up your computer files, wipe out your kitchen cabinets and drawers, weed your paper files at home.
      -Go through digital photos and create a photo book (or two or three!)
      -Download Duolingo and start learning a new language.
      -You mention D&D, but there are a number of board games that have apps that you can play with others (or alone, if you wish). Among Us is a huge hit right now.
      -Update your resume (whether you are looking for a new job or not). Likewise for LinkedIn, if you use it.
      -Brainstorm a list together (or apart) of all of the things you want to see and experience (travel, restaurants, etc.) when this pandemic finally comes to an end.
      -“Window” shop online for actual or dream remodeling/redecorating projects.
      -Create some new playlist themes.
      -Movie marathons or binge watching a TV series is always good to fill a few hours.

      I hope you are both feeling better soon.

    3. beth (another one)*

      Jigsaw puzzles? I keep seeing really cool ones in online ads. They definitely can keep you busy for a long time.

  25. Disco Janet*

    Anyone else have a devil’s advocate relative who thinks you’re being unreasonable when you refuse to debate with them? The politics job you don’t want tot discuss with family letter form the other day made me think of my brother – different dynamic than the one in the letter since it’s not someone older than me and it’s happening on the phone (and in non-Covid times, in my house), but this kind of thing drives me CRAZY.

    Basically it boils down to he enjoys engaging in debates and I don’t. He also has the very annoying tendency to constantly judge me and basically call me a sheep for things like not voting third party in the election, having a 9-5 job, being married with kids, liking some popular music/movies/shows, etc. Like I get it dude, you prefer an alternative lifestyle – that doesn’t mean you have to constantly criticize mine for not being that way. Do what makes you happy and I’m going to do the same.

    Anyways, whenever he picks fights my script is pretty similar to Alison’s. “Let’s not debate – I know we disagree, but I just want to catch up.” Then I change the subject. Then he gets all heated, we spend five minutes arguing about the fact that I don’t want to argue (oh, I don’t), and then he calls my mom to complain about how he can’t talk to me because I’m always shutting down things he wants to talk about. Ughhhh. Has anyone ever actually managed to get through to a relative like this and got them to stop doing the whole devils advocate/let’s debate thing?

    1. Ins mom*

      What a pain! Actions have consequences, dude . You aren’t going to change him . Just disengage/avoid. Sorry, OP. You can’t fix him

    2. Reba*

      Leave him on read?
      Ask your mom not to convey his complaints to you?

      IDK, I guess I’m feeling pessimistic but I don’t really think you can get this person to change. They are a douche canoe, at least about this. Your boundary is super reasonable!

    3. Workerbee*

      Since it’s on the phone, what would happen if you said, “I’ve told you repeatedly I don’t want to get into the exact same arguments with you, including arguing about arguing, so since you can’t do the basic courtesy of listening that you expect me to do with you, I’m hanging up”—and do it? (By all means use a shorter script, I just was feeling salty thinking of my own dear brother).

      Then let him run and cry to mom. If she enables this, that’s on her. If she calls you to try to make it your problem that he’s being an ass, you can shut it down, or return awkward to sender, or calmly state how it’s sure funny how he thinks his feelings are the only ones worth consideration, isn’t it?

      But above all—
      You’re not obligated to play these games with your brother (or mom, if she’s involved like that), just because he seems to have a mighty jealous streak about your stable and happy lifestyle. He can go find other grown-ass men to grump to.

    4. Thankful for AAM*

      Another thing Alison says to do sometimes is to say things like, that’s an odd thing to say. I feel like some version of that can work here? Just saying things like, “you really want to debate that,” or “I know, I like that movie and you don’t,” or “how odd, you expect me to vote the way you want?” All said with a flat, bored voice.

    5. Natalie*

      Well, I stopped talking to my mom entirely a few years ago, so that’s one option…

      Assuming you aren’t interested in estrangement, I think there are two places I’d work on setting boundaries here – the argument about not arguing, and your mom relaying his complaints to you. There are lots of different strategies you can use, it depends on what you think you can consistently do comfortably. With someone like you’re brother, I’m a fan of being a complete broken record, because I don’t have to think about what I’m saying. I can just repeat “I’m not arguing with you about this” a few times and then hang up/leave/hand him his hat as relevant. Unless he’s physically in your home, you don’t need his cooperation to end the interaction. For your mom, I’d probably try communicating once or twice that you don’t want to hear brother’s complaints anymore. Then if she starts relaying them again, you can remind her you don’t want to know and change the subject.

      Whatever exact method you chose, remember you don’t need the other person’s co-operation. I have gotten caught up with basically trying to get the person to understand and agree with me that I’m right, which is rarely possible, always unnecessary, and a huge waste of energy.

    6. Canuck girl*

      Hi there…so I don’t have a relative like this, I wish I had more/better experience to share, but I had issues with my parents back when I moved out and I had to work on setting boundaries because my folks had many demands / ideas on how I should live solo, and that caused arguments so I can draw on that a little bit. My therapist at the time taught me assertiveness techniques on how to refute my dad when he wanted to draw me into a long debate on why what I wanted was wrong. And it’s pretty much what Alison’s advice is…the “broken record” technique of “I understand this is what you want but that is not what I want. I will do a, b, c.” and then move on to a different subject. It was all more emotionally charged, my dad would behave like your brother, more heated up at first, but then he would eventually stop and leave and he accepted what I wanted, he had no choice. I think if you stay consistent in using Alison’s script and not get draw into these debates, your brother should eventually get the message and adapt, just maybe accept that it won’t be an immediate adaptation.

    7. Notthemomma*

      When on the phone, silence. No response no sound. Simple silence can make people uncomfortable. When he asks if you are still there “oh yes! I was just remembering that time when …”. Repeat as needed. Responding that you don’t want to argue is seen to them as an opening to argue.
      When in person, same silence with a blank face, perhaps looking just over their shoulder.

      1. fposte*

        Totally agree with this. Getting sucked into a trap about the trap is still getting sucked into a trap. It seems like the subject matter is secondary and that what he really wants is to argue. You don’t, so don’t. You could ask him about a nonpolitical subject he can’t resist, or redefine him as a great listener (“Why won’t you talk to me about the corruption inherent in the system?” “Work has been weird since they painted the walls beige; I miss the taupe. I’m thinking that they were going for cream but missed; I think I would have preferred cream, as long it was a warmer tone, you know? Not like a bone but more like a pale butter. But not too yellow—nobody likes that”) in emulation of every droning bore you’ve ever been trapped by.

      2. Thankful for AAM*

        This is great! The phone really makes it easier to just do nothing. I find it much harder in person when it is just the two of us. Also, I can do other things while I am not really listening.

    8. Wishing You Well*

      One idea for you: I restricted a problematic relative to email only. Setting that boundary improved my life significantly. Sometimes you have to restrict certain people’s access to your life.
      If you want to keep talking on the phone with your brother, set limits. Once he starts in on you, I recommend telling him you have to go and hang up. Redirecting the conversation hasn’t worked and he’s escalating by complaining to Mom. Setting boundaries is a normal and necessary part of life.
      I hope things improve for you.

      1. Notthemomma*

        Yes! I have several email addresses and people have to work their way up from, say, hotmail to yahoo, to gmail. If they start with the forwarding garbage, the go to the bottom tier again which is one I rarely check. I Think of it as the junk mail sorting for relatives

    9. Not A Manager*

      I’m going to suggest something else that works with my similar relative, BUT it depends on the dynamic behind your brother’s behavior.

      I have a relative who truly enjoys debate and very fine-grained argumentation. He’s not actually trying to get under my skin or judging me (which is why this might be different in your case). He’s also SUPER negotiation- and rules-oriented.

      So, for this relative, first we had a conversation about why some of the debating made me uncomfortable – that he felt that everything was judgment-neutral and up for discussion, but that some things made me FEEL attacked and judged. Because he has good will, and because he accepts that feelings are real, he understood why some things are debatable and some things aren’t.

      So now when we talk, some topics I just won’t get into, and I’ll remind him that they are off-limits. Other topics that are more general, I will debate with him sometimes but I’ll give him a heads-up when I’m running out of steam. I’ll say “I only have about five more minutes of this in me,” and then I let him get the last word.

      This is someone I love very much, so it works for me.

    10. RagingADHD*

      Yep, have them. So the missing step here is that you have to let him get heated and ride it out. Just don’t engage, don’t disagree. Wait it out and ask about the other (safe) topic.

      Probably he doesn’t actually care about the things he’s arguing, he just feels the need for a reaction because reaction = engagement. Does he have any other interests or enthusiasms besides politics? Can you get him to talk about that stuff – music, sports, work, his relationships, whatever he has going on?

      Does he not have a relationship with your kids? You can always put them on the phone, unless he’s awful to them. Of course, if he’s awful to his niblings cutting him off may be the only option anyway.

      I had to block my brother on FB because he was always picking fights on my posts and they always turned nasty. We always had a good relationship otherwise (tho we both have enjoyed a vigorous debate in the past).

      I was just honest – “Hey, I’m exhausted with all the negativity this year. I love you and I want to have a pleasant conversation with you about positive things. I miss having fun with you, and this isn’t fun.”

    11. ???*

      I have family members like this. My suggestion, be the world’s most boring debater. Simply agree with everything he says. ‘yes, that third party candidate is now the person I will vote for.’, ‘you’re right I am a sheep.’ since he can’t debate with himself, hopefully you’ll be able to move unto a different topic.

      BTW, if you’re a sheep for having a family, what does he want you to do? Get rid of them?

    12. Oh Snap!*

      Isn’t it funny that someone so proud of being “different” is trying to insist that everyone be like him?
      Anyway, just do not engage. Nope yourself out of the room. My brother-in-law used to say awful, horrible, small minded things that he justified by saying he’s “playing devil’s advocate”. We started to just leave the room when he started in on something. Or turn and talk to someone else. Or turn up the music and dance around the room. Yes, it’s awkward as hell to have a room full of people actively ignore one person but after a few times he stopped. He’s a great person to talk to otherwise but he likes to rile people up and when he realized we wouldn’t play his game he stopped.
      I realize I’m lucky that my family was willing to do this with me but it took time and some coordinating. I had realized at some point that he was targeting me and one of my siblings with his aggressive arguments. One particularly bad night while I was cooking (for him!), he tried to loudly argue fundamentals of my profession that I had been doing for 20 years and instead of politely debating I rage yelled a complete takedown of his argument complete with all the swear words while slowly walking toward him making eye contact, in front of all the kids and parents (Look, Ma! Auntie dropped an F bomb!) until he hid behind a book. We hate drama in our family so over the next several days I talked to the rest of the family, pointed out all the times he interrupted my sibling and I to advocate for the devil and that he was doing it just to get a rise out of us because does he really think he knows better than me about my own job? I said that I wouldn’t put up with it and if he did it again I would leave the room and I would appreciate if they supported me setting boundaries. They wanted to avoid any future outbursts so the next time he came over and got out his Shit Stirring Spoon (his arguments were never thoughtful or rational or even things he actually believed they were just contrarian), I said “nope!” out loud and went up to my room. A few minutes later my husband came up too. My husband said that after I left BIL just leaned in to it more so my husband walked out of the room too. When we came downstairs later there was just one lone sibling still trying to debate. That sibling eventually came around and stopped engaging with him too. After that any time he would try to pick an unwinnable fight we just changed the subject as a group or ignored him. That was several years ago and he can still be kind of a jerk at times but at least he no longer argues for argument’s sake.

      1. ShinyPenny*

        That is a beautiful story! It seems so rare to have a group coordinate (and actually all follow through on) an intentional response to a Missing Stair. Especially when ‘the group’ is family, since usually in a family if there’s one MS, there’s several (or a majority).
        It’s nice to hear that it can happen!

    13. Not So NewReader*

      He doesn’t want to talk, talking would be conversation as in a back and a forth.
      He wants to argue, basically sledge hammer his points home. This is not talking and it’s not conversation.

      My latest thing with handling that has been to say, “Okay. You win. Next topic?” And, of course the topic does NOT change, so I repeat. “I just said you win. Let’s move on shall we?”

      But your bro seems well entrenched in what he is doing so you could probably just go with, “You’re right. You win. Okay have to hang up now. Talk to you later.”

      Until he decides to change what he is doing there is not much you can do. See his goal is to be right all the time. You can ask yourself what could be driving this need to be right all the time and maybe find some insights that help you keep your cool. Or maybe you can work it into something such as saying, “I know you like to be right all the time, so I agree, you’re right. Happy now?” I can almost promise you he will NOT be happy.

      Of the arguing people I have known most of them have been drinkers- I mean heavy drinkers. If this resonates with you, keep in mind you are arguing with alcohol not a human being. You won’t win.
      One of the drinkers also worked into having heart issues. Baaaddd heart issues. Once the surgery happened the person became much more tolerable and then moved to becoming QUITE likeable.

      Meanwhile, develop some one liners such as:
      “Your recording seems to be stuck. You have already said that.”
      Or “You know, constipation can really hinder mental processes. You seem to want to argue all the time. Have you been drinking enough water?”

      One person I was talking with actually very much loved her arguing person and was very concerned about the arguing person. I suggested to my friend that she sit down with her arguing person in a calmer moment and talk about getting a full check up at the doctor’s. This assumes there are calm moments, which my friend did actually have with her person.

      Of the two arguing people in my own life, it did not go so well with the other arguer. I do believe there was also drugs involved there, so between the alcohol and drugs there was no hope of finding new footing. I didn’t cut the relationship off, I just let it drift away. I let it die from lack of participation. This was easy since this person did not call me anyway. I just opted not to call them.

      I have to chuckle, because these people who love to debate would not actually survive on a formal debate team. If you look at the rules for formal debating, you would see that your bro is breaking most of them. You can’t be judgmental and you cannot call people names- that’s two big missteps right there. What your bro is doing is called “bullying”.

    14. ....*

      Sounds exhausting honestly I’d probably stop calling him or inviting him over because it sounds genuinely unpleasant

    15. I'm A Little Teapot*

      He’s not a devil’s advocate relative, he doesn’t enjoy debates – he’s a jerk. Just call it what it is. If he wants to be a not-jerk, then he can change his behavior. In the meantime, talk with other people who aren’t jerks.

    16. Batgirl*

      I’m always amazed by people who pick up the phone to awkward relatives. That’s my idea of hell. The phone is for good conversationalists. Anyway, I think you should relegate him to WhatsApp, so you can disengage at will. Make him wait 24 hours for the world’s most boring grey-rock answer. People are also more careful about what they say in writing, especially if you make it a group with a few relatives (you can check mate him by making your mother your prevention rather than his cure). I would certainly put a stop to his snitching to your mum; that’s just enabling colossal immaturity! “Mum, just tell him that you won’t be passing on his comments to me and then live up to your word and don’t. We arent five.”
      I’d also reframe “thinks I’m being unreasonable” as “wants a lot of my attention” and he’s willing to wind you up and take the piss to get that kind of attention. Some people (very young men usually) see piss taking as affectionate but I give my brother a world of no if he tries. Women get enough of being talked down to for it to ever be a game. If he dismissed my no (he actually never has) I would stop all conversing and probably move to a small-talk and cards relationship.

    17. Esmeralda*

      Nothing you can say will get through or change his mind and behavior.

      Say this: Name, I don’t want to argue
      Then do this: walk away. (Or hang up the phone. Or turn off the zoom )

      Every time.

      Eventually he may get tired of having no one to hassle.

      If he complains to your mom: that’s his problem. And hers, I’m guess. But not yours. If she gets on your case about it: “Mom, if brother has a problem with me, he can discuss it directly with me. I’m not discussing it with anyone else. “ If she continues to get on your case? See above…

    18. Mr Jingles*

      Doesn’t sound like a devils advocate to me, your brother sounds like a bully who can’t accept a no.
      With my brother I became totally unresponsive whenever he tried to pull me into arguments. I just said no and nothing else. I just stayed quiet and stared at him.
      When he tried to pull my mother in I simply told her ‘no’ too. The word ‘no’ is a complete sentence. Don’t explain. Don’t change the subject, don’t react. Just ‘no’ and silence.
      With a very annoying ‘friend’ (of a friend) with whom I didn’t have to keep any boundaries or pretend to be civilised I used a different technique: I recitated my favourite poem by Rainer Maria Rilke over and over again whenever he tried to draw me into an argument. Drove him nuts. After a while it drove him away. When my real friend asked me why I did so I told him: he’s started nonsensical arguments I’m not interested in. So I thought it’s nonsense time and nothing is more nonsensical than Rainer Maria Rilke’s poems! But at least Rilke’s poems are amusing which is more than I can say about our ‘friend’s’ choice of argumentation.
      Oh I so burned the bridges with that person! But I don’t regret it.
      I think what I want to say: if you don’t want to argue, don’t argue. Just don’t response until he gives up. Those types don’t care for arguments or facts or how you feel. They are bullies who want their argument just for the arguments sake and to annoy you. Every response beyond ‘no’ enables them and gives them the pleasure they seek: needling you to see you suffer. Don’t give them that. Stop engaging till they give up.

    19. Juneybug*

      This might sound weird but your brother might be “deflecting”. For example, I had a relative who trapped me in a car on the way to a family event and then proceeded to tell me how my marriage was bad, how I needed counseling, etc. It was quite a horrible ride. It took two days to recover from the emotional attack. But then on another ride to different family activity (where I brought my wonderful husband as a buffer), same person confessed her marital problems, talked about the stress she was under, etc. I realized that my life was great but her life, not so much. Knowing that it’s her problems or issues she is really talking about and that she is deflecting (and not changing her situation) has given me freedom to ignore her words. Now when she start talking about my decisions/work/marriage/life and how I could do better, I smile sweetly and change the subject. #livingthebestlifeaslongasIignoresaidrelative

  26. Hotdog not dog*

    My family is working on a plan for our big post-covid bash (obviously the date is TBD). We’re thinking potluck, assign each person a different holiday that we missed in 2020, bring a dish appropriate to that occasion. We’re doing it at my parents house and Mom is planning to pull out decorations for all the seasons. We’re undecided about gifts, though. I’d as soon skip them. For me the gift would be time spent with my whole family and the chance to pair Irish soda bread and Christmas cookies! One of my relatives suggested drawing names, kind of like Secret Santa, and another one suggested a Yankee swap. The point from that perspective is that we missed birthdays, anniversaries, holidays…so let’s go as big as possible. What say the commentariat?

    1. WellRed*

      Hmm great question. If this were a Christmas celebration, I’d say go for it. But as an all around celebration, the idea of gifts feels a little … extraneous? I also don’t see the point of yankee swap or secret Santa if these relatives really just want to open gifts. So much of that stuff is typically useless crap.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      How fun! I might say, have everyone bring a decorated box with their name on it and a stash of “stocking stuffer” type goodies to distribute into everyone’s boxes, maybe also including birthday/anniversary cards and such. That way people who want to go big can bring extra stocking stuffers, or slightly nicer goodies, and people who maybe aren’t quite able to do that can stock up on the post-holiday candy sales and fill in the cracks and still feel like they’re participating.

      1. Hotdog not dog*

        I like that idea! It has the bonus advantage of being a good way to use up my stash of craft supplies…we could get the children to decorate shoeboxes for everyone. I have a teenage niece who loves to oversee group craft projects with the littles.

    3. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Depends on what the people want. It’s not like you have to follow any rules, right? If people are excited about buying people presents and getting them in return, and if it’s one of the things they regretted missing out on, go for it! If people are like “eh, let’s not bother,” don’t! If some people are each way, go with the group that is larger/cares more, or make it optional or a smaller deal.

    4. Canuck girl*

      I think I would just focus on the party, what food and drink to bring / cook. Personally I think gifts would be a bit too much to add to everything, esp if it’s a big gathering. At most I would probably opt for Christmas crackers – they’re inexpensive, and it’s a lot of fun to open them…even though the stuff inside is usually useless and silly, it’s fun to wear that paper crown.

      1. Hotdog not dog*

        That’s my thought too…although after this year I TOTALLY see the point of going big! My brother suggested that anyone who wants to bring a wrapped (generic, reasonably priced, but nice) could do so and those people could participate in a gift swap. One concern I had was that some of the family will also have travel costs and we’re not the Rockefeller family, so may be less financial pressure without gifts.

    5. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Maybe you could lean into how bad 2020 was and each being something meaningful to donate? Eg, winter coats, business clothes for women just getting into the workforce, prom dresses for teens, books or toys for hospitalized kids, long shelf life foods. You can show each other what you picked out as part of the party.

      1. Anon5775*

        I love this idea. But another one could be gifts in the form of a game for those that want to participate. For ex, get a roll or two of Saran wrap and start rolling it into a ball and inserting small toys, money, new toothbrushes, candy, other small things, etc. and then keep rolling more wrap until you have a huge ball about 14-18 inches in diameter. Then get a pair of mittens or gloves and have everyone sit in a circle. The 1st person puts the gloves on and starts unrolling the wrap. They keep whatever gifts they reveal but while they are doing this the rest of the people are shaking dice. When someone gets doubles or 2 sixes or whatever you’d like, they pass the gloves and ball to that person and you just keep going until the ball is totally unraveled. It’s a fun activity.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      “Merry thanks-fourth of Hannu-ween!”
      My grandfather used to say that….and now it feels new again.

    1. Alex*

      I’d probably just make the dough, and refrigerate for a while before rolling out and cutting cookies.That said, I’ve never used that product so I’m not 100% sure of the texture.

      1. Nicole76*

        Based on what I remember from previous pouch mixes, it’s a little too wet for cutouts, although refrigerating it beforehand may help. I’ll give it a shot; the worst that could happen is I have to make regular round cookies.

        I tried Google but I couldn’t seem to find a discussion about this. Even Pillsbury’s site points people to their cookie dough tubes for cutout cookie recipes so that wasn’t helpful either.

    2. ThatGirl*

      It’s gonna be soft; you can add a little extra flour and roll it out if you want but the shapes will puff up as they bake.

      1. Nicole76*

        That’s exactly what happened, although not so bad that you couldn’t tell what the shape originally was.

  28. Canuck girl*

    Hi all – I wanted to give an update on my new kitty, about which the many nice people here calmed down when I got him two weeks ago. He is eating and drinking super well now, follows me around like a shadow, meows at me and races around the apartment. I took him to the vet a few days after I posted here because I found a ton of black wax in his ears and then learned he also had tapeworm and the ears likely had mites sometime ago. Thank goodness for my great vet. Kitty is in good spirits. I will need the vet’s advice on how to portion the bugger’s feeding lol. After eating half a can of food, he ends up following me around and meowing and then leads me back to the cabinet door where I keep the dry and wet food. At the shelter where I got him he just had a bowl of dry food all the time, but I’m working on getting him on a meal schedule.

    Now, if any cat owners here who lived in small apartments with their cats have any tried and tested tips on keeping the cat entertained, I welcome your advice :) . I worry quite a bit (probably too much) that he’ll get bored in my no too big apartment (been reading a lot, maybe too much on how to prevent cat boredom), but got him quite a few toys that he enjoys chasing, a scratching post, this circular thing with a ball in it and when the Christmas tree is gone, I’ll get him a small kitty condo. Oh yeah, the cat also meows at me in the evenings when he gets more active and wants my attention and wants to play, and when he wants me to follow him to my bedroom so I can cuddle him. He’s been very vocal this week..it quite adorable.

    1. Hotdog not dog*

      I had 2 cats in a small apartment years ago, and after about a year their favorite entertainment was to sit in the front window and watch the neighborhood! Before that, they behaved just like your sweet new kitty! I gave them plenty of toys and attention, which helped with that kitten energy.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My husband free-feeds his cats and they’re both lazy and a little overweight — our vet suggested enrichment toys. One of the ones I found that looked like a lot of fun, but would totally not work in my house because we also have dogs, was a set of three plushy mice, each of which has a little plastic food cage inside. You put part of the cat’s daily dry food allotment into the three plastic food cages, then put them around the house, and kitty gets to HUNT HIS PREY! The inside parts were dishwasher-safe, the outside plushy parts were machine-washable, and suitable as toys even when they weren’t stuffed with meat cereal. I saw them on both Chewy and Amazon. :)

    4. beth (another one)*

      Get one of those hammock things to put on a window! My cat loves his- windows are like tv for cats. They just love seeing what’s going on outside.

    5. Maria*

      We free feed our cats, but with puzzle feeders. It keeps them from just eating because they’re bored (since they have to work for it) but also prevents the begging for food.

    6. Queer Earthling*

      For activities–make sure you switch toys out fairly often, because some cats do get bored with the “same” toys all the time, but if it’s hidden away for a few months, it’s magically a brand new toy again.

    7. Flower necklace*

      My cat loves chasing ping pong balls. It’s an easy way to keep him entertained. When he was younger, he loved chasing the laser pointer. Now that he’s an adult, he won’t chase it, but he will chase the little speck of light reflecting off my watch or my cell phone onto a wall. I have no idea why. Cats are weird :)

    8. Canuck girl*

      Loving all your suggestions and super grateful for them. Interesting point about the cat getting bored with the same toys, because I think that might be happening with some of the balls with bells already. I might get a second set of different coloured/textured balls and switch them out and see how he likes it. I do agree…cats are weird. Mine got excited about a shoe lace but ignored the wand toy with a sparkly tassel at the end haha.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        They seem to like stuff with our scent on it. That pencil was way more interesting than the $10 toy from the store.

        I’d suggest paper bags, cardboard boxes, things that roll- like a towel tube or tp tube, things that dangle like a shoe lace or old belt. My caution warning is I only gave them this stuff when I would be home and IN the house to keep an eye on how things went. And I only gave them stuff that I never expected to use again.

        Someone gifted me an $18 battery operated cat toy. I felt so bad, but what could I do when the cat did not like it? I stopped buying expensive toys for them myself after seeing this. They were fine with out the toys.
        One of my girls ate spiders and the other ate spider webs. They’d bat around the crickets when they found one. Sometimes they would sit for hours and stare at the birds outside. One was a climber. I found her on the top shelf of my clothes closet. She got up there by digging her claws into the sleeves up the garments and yanking herself up. She also go on the top shelf of books in another room. The Web Eater, was fascinated by large font newspaper headlines and tried to push the letters off the paper. She did the same thing to the design on the linoleum in the kitchen.
        They amuse themselves and in turn amuse us.

    9. PT*

      My cat was free-fed at the shelter and it took awhile to get her on a schedule. One thing I found helpful was just portioning her daily amount of food into however many meals worked best for her at the time. So sometimes she’d get breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and sometimes she’d get a larger breakfast and dinner and no lunch.

      Sometimes she’ll get hungry here or there and if she can’t be distracted from begging, I’ll give her a little extra, but if it starts to become a habit I’ll just shuffle her feedings around so she keeps her daily calories about even.

    10. I take tea*

      So nice to hear that you are getting along. Lots of good advice here, I’ll add that if the space is limited, remember that your cat doesn’t need floor space. We have a bookshelf that goes around the room. We emptied the top shelf and added a cat tree at one end and a drawer to jump on at the other. It’s been a hit. The cats race around on the shelves, or just lie there and watch. Cats usually like high places where they can se what’s going on. Try to arrange such spots.

  29. Teapot Translator*

    I need recipe ideas, but cookware-specific.
    Context : I found a ceramic baking dish at my parents that I’m going to use to make focaccia bread. I’m wondering what else I can make in it because I won’t keep it if I can’t use it for different things. I haven’t been able to find a picture of what the baking dish looks like on Google. It’s round (maybe 8 or 9 inches? I can’t find my measuring tape), around two inches high, made from glazed terra cota and it has a lid in the same material.
    While I was googling, I did figure out it could be used to make clafoutis and hot dips.
    I’d love to have more ideas, though!
    I’ll post as a reply a link to a Twitter video where you can see a baking dish. It looks like non-stick metal, but maybe it will help someone figure out what I mean!

    2. Natalie*

      It sounds similar to an enameled dish, in which case you can make basically anything that bakes and is the right size. Most casseroles can scale up or down pretty well.

      I use our enameled bakeware to roast vegetables as well, it’s easier to toss them in oil and salt in a dish with sides than on a sheet pan.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I googled “enameled dish” and it does look similar to the round one with the lid.

        You’re right about the vegetables! And I need to eat more vegetables (but I’m not a fan). :-(

        1. Reba*

          Sounds like it would be good for a gratin, which is a nice way to eat vegetables (with cream and cheese :) ).

          1. Teapot Translator*

            Mmmm, cream and cheese.
            You know what? It always feels like “cheating”? Like, I should eat vegetables raw and as healthily as possible? But if the choice is between no vegetables and vegetables with cheese, I should just eat vegetables with cheese. ;)

    3. Michelle*

      I have a pan like that, and I use it for lots of different things.

      I make this Magic Crispy Baked Shrimp recipe quite often: https://12tomatoes.com/magic-crispy-baked-shrimp/

      It is also good for Ina Garten’s Overnight Macaroni and Cheese recipe, though I would suggest skipping the sprinkling of half of the cheese over the top (so stir 1 cup of Gruyere and 1/2 cup of cheddar into the cream and pasta, but don’t add cheese on top). It is waaaaay rich enough without it. https://barefootcontessa.com/recipes/overnight-mac-cheese

      It may be big enough to do cornbread in. There are so many cornbread recipes and mixes, but this one could get you started. https://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2015/01/moist-and-tender-brown-butter-cornbread-recipe.html You might have to try that and may end up with a small muffin amount on the side.

      This recipe for chicken, broccoli, and bacon worked well in mine: https://www.kyleecooks.com/freezer-meals-chicken-broccoli-bacon/

      There are a lot of recipes for making rice in the oven (as opposed to stovetop), which you can look up online. Some are directions for making plain rice (which would require the lid), others are for rice casseroles.

      You could also make a quick pot-pie filling with leftover meat and vegetables–again, lots of recipes online for variations, and then dot the top with biscuits (either homemade or from a can, cut into quarters) and get an all-in-one meal.

      I use my pan often enough, that I figure it is one of the few items in my kitchen that I wouldn’t want to be without, especially now that there are only three of us left at home and we don’t need huge portions anymore.

      1. Michelle*

        If it helps, for reference, the baking dish that I have is the Le Creuset Stoneware Covered Round Casserole, 9.5-Inch. I’m not sure if yours is similar or not.

  30. Bibliovore*

    Irritable and unreasonable and I know it. That said.
    Mr. Bibliovore and I are in hi-risk groups with multiple risk factors. We have been except for Dr. visits, sheltering in place since March. We are both grateful that we have family and friends socially distant visits outside at least once a week. We have all of our needs met and can give to others.
    I am at a loss for the holidays- I am a not practicing person and did not grow up in a home that celebrated holidays. We agreed on new phones for each of us for Christmas.
    His birthday is in the first week of January. I have been recovering from shingles (pain /fatigue)and have made NO birthday plans. or a present. (I was thinking of donating money in his name to a cause)
    Would it be nuts to do a massive zoom party for a half hour? Hour? (I am all zoomed out due to work commitments) Should it be a surprise? Its not a significant one. (one the other hand is every one past 70, a significant one? How would I know? I didn’t celebrate my 50 or 60 by doing anything.)

    1. Reba*

      Maybe you could organize friends to record a little video, or just a write a birthday message, and compile those in lieu of a Zoom? I think free-form social zooms are the kind of the worst.

      Hope you get well soon!

    2. The teapots are on fire*

      It sounds like just a bad time to try to make this work. What if the two of you talk and negotiate a later date for Mr. Biliovore’s Birthday, Observed? I move the celebration date of holidays around all the time to make them more convenient for me.

      Maybe around the time when weather starts getting nicer where you live. You’ll have more time to recover from shingles and make a good plan for his birthday. He’s 70+ years old, so he should be able to tell you how big a deal he wants his birthday to be and you can plan accordingly.

      1. Bibliovore*

        oh, I so appreciate this. I guess I just needed permission to do nothing. Of course- I will cook him his favorite dinner.
        I will try to have a sense of humor when he wakes up Christmas morning and says where’s the tree?

    3. Anono-me*

      Seconding Reba’s writting suggestion. And if you want to make it a bit more “Let’s celebrate Mr. B.” you could ask your friends each to please send a postal letter with a fun shared memory of Mr. B. and possibly a picture. After the actual birthday, you can put everything in an album.

      P.S.

      I’m glad to hear that you are doing better.

  31. Kali*

    I’ve been thinking about the term “passing” recently and I’d like to discuss and unpack it. I’m not describing a problem I’m having and looking for solutions, though I know that’s normally the point of this blog! Right now, I’m more feeling out the subject and getting outside of my own head, getting some external viewpoints in there. The goal isn’t solution, just thoughts. I realise “how we categorise other humans” is a controversial topic, and also how we think about race and the terms we use are very culture-specific and change very rapidly. As far as I know, I’m using terms which are broadly fine in the UK (where I am from) but I might have missed an update, and the terms may be read differently in other countries. I will assume other commenters are well-meaning and discussing a difficult topic to the very best of their ability, and I hope everyone can assume the same of me and I have never given them cause to suspect otherwise.

    Specifically, I am mixed race but can be read as white, and so I am “white-passing”. I’ve come to realise I don’t really like this use of the term “passing” because it implies that I am purposefully trying to come across as white and most of the time, that isn’t the case. I – and presumably, other racially-ambiguous people – are mostly just going about living our own lives. It implies trying because in other contexts where we use the word ‘passing’, i.e., to pass/fail a test, we are trying to pass. “Passing” is also used for other ways we categorise people, like for gender or sexuality. When a trans person is able to socially transition and begin presenting as their true gender, they might use the term “passing” when they are read as that gender, which is what they are generally trying to achieve. LGBTQ people might also want to “pass” for straight in certain circumstances. There are definitely times, both historically and in my own day-to-day experience, where passing as being part of the majority in terms of social race, has been an advantage, sometimes life-saving. White-passing IS something people have intentionally done, often for very good reasons, but I don’t think it describes my day-to-day experience.

    There was a recent small controversy I saw, when one person described others as “white-passing”, to mean she had mistaken them for white based purely on appearance, but acknowledging that this might not reflect their actual lived experience. Some people felt like whether you “pass” as white or not was a matter of identity and it was Not Okay for someone to tell you if you were or not. That sounds like nonsense to me. Passing IS in the eye of the beholder. I know I pass as white because some people (not everyone) will say something that gives away what category they think I’m in. I’m not talking about racism (mostly). ‘Race’ is a way we categorise other humans to make predictions about them, like: is your day-to-day experience the same as mine? Do you face the same systemic violence I do? What cultural touchpoints are you like to have? What languages might you speak? What holidays might you celebrate? It’s an imperfect system, that breaks down when you start looking at individual people, but it does have a purpose. It’s a way of detecting “like-me” and “not like-me”. That’s why representation is important – I can see a mixed race woman in power and think “you probably faced the same struggles I do, and you made it”. Obviously, most people don’t think it in those words, but that’s the feeling. It’s been hugely problematic when people have assumed they can make predictions about things like intelligence or honesty based on what race they think someone is, and when they don’t realise they’re making predictions. Some people have taken their assumptions as facts and insisted reality is wrong in the face of new evidence, i.e., attributing the achievements of a person of colour to their white ancestry. Sorry, tangent. I was saying, the way I know I’m white-passing is people will say something that implies “like-me?” and I will have to reveal “not-like-you” or vice versa.

    Being white-passing does make my life as a person of colour easier. Passing-privilege is real, and it is useful to have a name for it so we can have conversations about it. Right now, I think I’m okay with the term “passing privilege” but there might be a better term out there, either now or soon. I’m going to spend the rest of this paragraph briefly unpacking the difference between white-privilege and passing-privilege, but you can skip this bit, it’s a tangent. Note that privilege, as I understand it, doesn’t mean any individuals life is harder to easier, because we all have different traits people react to differently, but means that, as a group, there are some things trait X people aren’t really affected by and trait Y people are. “Unpacking the invisible knapsack” by Peggy McIntosh (not linking because links tend to delay comments posting, but easy to google), has a list of 26 things she does not have to worry about, as a white person, that other, non-white people, are affected by. The benefits I get from passing are 2, 3, 4 (apart from being a woman), 10, 23, and 24 (from a list of 26). I get half of 6, 16 and 21. 8 and 13 depend on topic, and 10, 12, 13, 17, and 19 depend on whether other people know I’m mixed or not.

    A big part of passing-privilege, which affects the question of whether I (very specific to me, not talking about anyone else) am “trying” to pass is that I come from a society where a lot of traits associated with beauty are white. We even have the word ‘fair’ which implies both. If I dye or highlight my hair blonder to make it pretty, I can’t ignore the fact that maybe I think it’s pretty because blonde hair has been held up as “pretty”, in part because it’s linked to whiteness. Being blonde makes me more likely to be read as white, in my experience. I tried to look pretty, but did I try to look white? I don’t think I did, but we’re all influenced by our society and culture in so many ways we don’t even notice. I can also change how people read me with make-up – am I trying to look white if I don’t use bronzer? Or if I wear make-up to make me look more like my mother, who is pale and blonde?

    1. Reba*

      In recent years have read/heard the term “coded” in lieu of passing. I think it suggests some of what you are saying — that it has to do with how you are read by others, not necessarily your own intentions or identity. It would seem to also address some of the entanglements you are getting at with your blondness example. You can like blond for blond, because it’s flattering, but not wholly escape or control the cultural meanings attached to blondness, the signals it sends as part of the code of appearance or presentation.

      I’d also recommend Tressie McMillan Cottom’s book “Thick” for her essays on beauty, appearance and identity.

      1. Kali*

        I’ve not heard the term ‘coding’ used in that way, that’s interesting. I’ve heard of code-switching, which is about intentionally fitting in. I’ll have a look at the book, thanks!

      1. Kali*

        Thanks!

        I’m familiar with one of the editors named on the cover, I’ve watched some of his lectures on writing on Coursera.

    3. NewBee*

      Have you read The Vanishing Half? One of my favorite books of the year, and it’s about this very subject (someone who deliberately passes as white). And of course Nella Larsen’s Passing is a classic.

    4. RagingADHD*

      Hey, I’ve seen you post a number of long things lately, and I’m wondering if you could try and include more line breaks?

      Particularly on mobile, it’s very hard to read when it’s a solid wall of text.

      1. Kali*

        Yes, I’ll try to remember.

        We’re experimenting with the dose of my ADHD meds atm, so the new focus is great but it does mean I have suddenly started having the attention to pull together all these things into Giant Walls of Text. I normally wouldn’t have the attention span to write that much!

      2. Kali*

        Just to check, I read that as “shorter paragraphs” but should I also figure out a way to create more breaks between paragraphs?

    5. Sparkly Librarian*

      I’m mixed, but for various reasons (adoption assimilation in a prior generation, my particular phenotype, family of origin cultural practices) identify mostly as white and am coded as white by mostly everyone except a few people with my same mix of heritage. Instead of “white-passing”, I have seen “white-presenting” or “read as white” used because those terms focus on what other people assume rather than what the person in question is projecting. In other words, it’s on them for making unfounded assumptions. I’m also often read as straight (incorrectly) but I am not straight-passing! I am an out and proud queer femme. I do acknowledge that I get “passing privilege” because of how other people read my presentation, so I think it’s fair to use that term. I also use that privilege on behalf of others who do not get the same, but then there’s the question of whether I’m seen as a member of the group or an ally (and how to behave accordingly).

      1. Kali*

        >I also use that privilege on behalf of others who do not get the same, but then there’s the question of whether I’m seen as a member of the group or an ally (and how to behave accordingly).

        For me, it does sometimes feel like a “card” I can play, despite not having to deal with the experiences of someone who isn’t read as white as often. Revealing myself as ‘mixed’ reframes what I’m saying in discussions where that’s relevant, because my opinion is now perceived as “in group”.

        That said, there’s definitely a line you can overstep. For instance, I’m not personally offended by, for example, Matt Lucas dressing in brown-face in Come Fly with Me. I recognise that brown-face is wrong and it would be better if people just did not, but…I don’t have an emotional reaction to it. I don’t find it upsetting*, and I suspect part of that is my passing-privilege. It would be disingenuous and misleading of me to say “I’m Indian and I’m not offended”, despite those statements being true, because the reasons for me not being hurt or offended by the portrayal aren’t because it isn’t hurtful or offensive (which is what that sort of statement implies) but because I’m not the target, in the same way anyone who isn’t south-Asian isn’t the target.

        *I DO find Vicky Pollard – Matt Lucas pretending to be a stereotypical “chav” – to be upsetting, and I am also working-class. I think a big factor there is that firstly, I am more strongly coded as working class than I am South Asian, and, secondly, Taaj felt like a real character, while Vicky feels more like a spiteful caricature. Both exist for the purpose of comedy, but I felt like the joke was on Vicky, in a way it wasn’t on Taaj. None of this is intended to argue that brown-face is okay, I just find it interesting to unpack those feelings a bit.

        Another thought I had about being read-as-white – which I do like better! – is that all the terms are phrased as if it’s a Yes/No, 100% rate. It’s not binary though, it’s a rate. Just to make up some numbers, I’m read as white maybe 65% of the time (that I’m aware of, some people don’t signal), which is a different experience to people who are read as white 0% or 100% of the time.

    6. oranges & lemons*

      This is a bit of a side note to your comment, but I just wanted to mention that trans people don’t necessarily want to pass as cis either. Some do, and sometimes it’s a strategic choice to avoid transphobia, but some trans people prefer to be visibly trans. I think there is some commonality between the experience of “passing” in a gender, race, disability and/or sexual orientation context, since it all has to do with the intersection between identity, public perception and discrimination, and everyone is going to have a slightly different experience.

      1. Kali*

        Thank you, that’s a good point to raise.

        I have definitely related to the stories of people who can pass/not pass in categories other than race, so I agree there is commonality. The example that comes to mind is in what to call us, and who decides, and what’s okay, and what isn’t. I’ve heard of some older trans people being happy with the label “transsexual” and not wanting to change it for themselves, even if they know the language has changed and other trans people don’t like the label and don’t want it used. As a child, I was taught to call myself “half-caste”, but that became unacceptable when I was about 4-5. If I were older, I might have similar feelings about identifying with that label despite its flaws. I can see how you’d just get sick of being told what you are and just pick a label and stick with it. If “mixed” became unacceptable…I would probably still think of myself that way.

      2. Batgirl*

        My gay friends say there is something inherently … repressive? about being presumed straight as though that’s the default and it makes it seem like being gay is aberrant. I wonder if that’s Kali’s objection (the default aspect) to being presumed white or why some trans people dislike being presumed cis?

    7. I can never decide on a lasting name*

      English is my second language, so I may ve wrong here, but: I have always thought of “passing” not as in going to an exam, but as coming to an entrance or roadblock where some are let in and others not. White people are allowed to pass through the gates to a number of privileges and if a person passes as white, they have also gotten the possibility to pass through those gates. Does that make sense?

      1. Hrodvitnir*

        Oh, I like that. Because that is how I think of the word “passing” in this context but wasn’t sure why I felt like “passing” as a success was… if not incorrect, not the main way I think of the concept.

        I grapple with this a little, because I am not willing to call myself a white-passing Maori person despite being basically that (light skinned, features Maori and IME a number of black African people easily ID as Maori but white people don’t really register), because I’m *so* culturally white.

        I’m about 1/4 Maori, which means I am very close to the measureable, inter-generational damage white colonialism has caused, my grandmother was dark skinned and felt those impacts pretty directly; but I personally experience neither the direct impact of interpersonal racism nor the structural impacts of ongoing colonial actions.

        I have the most tenuous of connections to my iwi (tribe), and it’s not core to who I am as a person. But it is still part of who I am as a person and it can still be very uncomfortable to be surrounded by a blinkered white perspective and assumed to hold the same.

  32. violet04*

    I would try to engage him in a couple of play sessions during the day. Mine love Da Bird toy or similar wand toys with some type of feather or mouse attachment.

    I’m WFH permanently now, so when I see them get a case of the zoomies I’ll pull out a toy. In the evening, I’ll have a play session with them before feeding. What I’ve read from cat behaviorists is that cats have a hunt, eat, groom, sleep cycle. So after hunting their toy, they eat groom and then sleep.

    Sheer Fun for Cats is a fun toy. Mine love to pounce on toys I drag underneath it.

    Sounds like you’re doing a great job with him and glad he’s getting medical treatment!

    2. Canuck girl*

      Thanks so much for the toy suggestions complete with names and play timing ideas. Yes, I too am WFH for the foreseeable future, which basically feels permanent…uggh, anyway, but the cat loves me being home so at least there is that benefit haha.

      1. violet04*

        You’re welcome! Yeoww catnip toys are great too. Although I don’t remember at what age kittens start reacting to it. They are a little expensive, but they are completely filled with catnip, no filler. I have to keep them hidden otherwise the cats will rip them open.

  33. Blue Eagle*

    Reading thread
    What is everyone reading this week? Two books that have been on my reserve list at the library for a full year finally cleared early this week and I’ve already read them both. The Water Dancer by Ta-Nehisi Coates and Nothing to See Here by Kevin Wilson (who also wrote The Family Fang). Recommend them both but will add that if you liked Family Fang you will probably like this one, if not, then you probably won’t.
    One other book – John Cena wrote a couple of little kid picture books about a team of trucks, the main character is Elbow Grease. Each teaches kindness, sharing etc and would be a good gift for little kids.

    1. Retail Not Retail*

      Can we be negative about a book? If not, nevermind but lordy that book was bad.

      Just started Trust Exercise in physical book form and I’m reading Solutions and Other Problems on my kindle. I’m liking the first, loving the second obviously!

      I’ve been on a criminal justice reform kick lately and I really recommend Charged by Emily Bazelon. Picking Cotton is a good one as well about one case from the victim’s and wrongly accused’s perspectives. Just Mercy of course is great.

    2. WellRed*

      Not reading anything because the book I got last week I realized I already read! Going back to exchange it today, hopefully for something else.

    3. Kali*

      I’m having one of those weeks where I’m not really settling to read books, especially new ones, so fanfics and rereading romance novels is where I am right now. This week I read a harrowing Recess fanfic where they’re all adults and no longer friends due a traumatic event which is haunting them. A little bit like I Know What You Did Last Summer. It’s really well-written and does seem like a natural continuation of the series, which might seem surprising due to the change in genre and tone. But, I watched recess as a child when it was appropriate for me, and now I’m an adult and the characters have grown with me. Plus, the writer understands why Hustler Kid is the most attractive character, don’t @me, that crush was age appropriate at the time.

      I do love when I find a really good fanfiction that functions as an amazing sequel to the original work without being constrained in the way actual sequels are, like by having to be profitable or having to appeal to the original audience (i.e., children). 90% of what’s out there isn’t this kind of diamond, but some of them are. There’s an amazing Harry Potter one where Dudley grows up to be a gay social worker and acknowledges the familial abuse he and Harry went through as golden child and scapegoat, and they make up when Dudley’s daughter ends up being a witch. There’s open discussion of Harry and Ginny’s PTSD and the years of therapy and other treatment they’ve needed (and even know, all their children know to announce their presence and not risk creeping up on Harry and triggering a panic). The story even legitimately redeems Snape somewhat though it takes a LOT, including lots of details of him protecting students at Hogwarts during Umbridge’s year (and since the book is for adults, an increased explicit mention of just how awful it was, which makes his protecting the students stronger, emotionally speaking), his invention of a potion which saves the students from nerve damage from repeated torture spells and posthumously (for Snape) improves Neville’s mother’s mental state to the point where she can recognise her son, his absolute refusal to feel sorry for himself and accept forgiveness and his [spoiler] reincarnation as a new child to abusive parents, with his old-Snape-soul functioning as a guardian angel by taking over and/or healing his new child-self when needed. He thinks of as the child as a different person until quite late on, that’s part of the mystery, why he’s in this kid’s head. Harry ends up fostering ‘Tim’, and it helps to heal them both. ull disclosure, I had abusive parents myself, and I found the story so soothing. Some people, like Harry/Snape/Tim (and me) need to ‘find’ their family, as it openly points out. I know Snape isn’t a hero, but I sympathise with him because I know a lot of children from our backgrounds do end up in cults or otherwise harming others, and I know I could have had a similar story (of abusing others, not of being a wizard) if I’d been less fortunate than I have been. It soothed me, to see him rescued, and, in the story, Snape being rescued in that way was important for his healing. It was also important – and more applicable to a non-time-travelling audience – that both Harry and Snape saved Tim, and that saving was also important for emotional healing. You can’t save yourself, but you can make things better for other children. The story’s written by Paganaidd. It’s in multiple partners, but googling the author’s username plus “dudley’s memories” brings up her author’s page, with all the parts. Another writer, Call-Me-Cassandra, wrote the memoir Dudley wrote in Paganaidd’s universe (‘Fortunate Son’), which is definitely worth reading as part of the whole.

      The bonus of fanfiction here is that, knowing what we know now, I don’t want to give any money to JK Rowling and I’ve become suspicious of the subtext in her newer works, but I do still want to retain my enjoyment of the original books. That’s working out for me so far, but I do sometimes wonder what will happen if I have children, and would I want to share the original books with them? Or better for a full boycott there? Has anyone else pondered this? Purely theoretical, I don’t have children and, if I did, this would be several years away, so I’m not really looking for an answer, just exploring how people think about this issue and maybe what decisions they’re making.

      Oh, for romance novels, I really like stories where RomanticLead A has an abusive family or ex, but RomanticLead B loves and admires and supports A so much that A is able to realise that everything her (used for convenience, but open to non-het romance and/or men being the ones with this arc) family told her wasn’t true and there is a very satisfying scene where A stands up to them and tells them she never deserved to be treated like that, everything they said about her was untrue, and they can all go to hell. Any recommendations? The Dragon Finds Forever by Kirstin Painter is one of my favourites, and Marshmallow by Dane Griggs hits the same notes. Olivia’s Luck is kind of similar, in that the main character has the scales fall from her eyes and realises her (ex)-husband was never good enough for her, not vice versa, which isn’t as satisfying, but the book is 576 pages, with multiple plot points and extended character growth rather than JUST the romance, which is great. My biggest complaint about romance novels is that, even if they hit the emotional spot, they’re a bit thin, there’s just not enough to really sink your teeth into, so it’s great when you find the ones that do both.

      1. gendervoidkillua*

        Ooh, that Harry Potter fic sounds really interesting, mind linking it? On the fanfic side, Ive been really enjoying the ever upward series by stranglerfig, which features Harry leaving the Dursleys as a kid and growing up parented by the basilisk as well as other various magical beings. Lots of worldbuilding, especially for things like the merfolk/centaurs/acromantulae that weren’t really touched on in canon.

        For romance, I don’t read a ton of it but I did recently read Hunger Pangs: True Love Bites by Joy Demorra which doesn’t quite hit the notes you mentioned but does have a scene where Lead A realizes his abusive partner has Crossed A Line and throws her out. It’s book one of what I believe is to be a five-part series. Speaking as someone who isn’t a huge fan of romance, I found it to have some good meat to it as well so maybe you would enjoy it?

        1. Kali*

          Sure, the only reason I didn’t is links can get stuck in the mod queue.

          Most stories are here: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/1930591/paganaidd

          The main story is Snape’s Memories, but there are prequels (including one written by another author) and a short sequel. If you wanted to read all of them, I’d suggest: Severus’ Dreams, Fortunate Son (Dudley’s memoir: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6486190/1/Fortunate-Son), Dudley’s Memories, Snape’s Memories, then Lily’s memories.

    4. GoryDetails*

      Among others:

      THE RIVALS OF SHERLOCK HOLMES 2 – a hardcover collection of Holmes-era stories about other detectives and/or arch-criminals, presented in facsimile form featuring the original layout and illustrations from the magazines where the tales first appeared. Some are still well-known – Hornung’s marvelously dark “Raffles” tales among them – while others have faded into obscurity, but I enjoyed nearly all of them one way or another.

      IRON MAGICIANS: Search for the Magic Crystals: this one’s fun, a choose-your-own-path graphic novel in a steampunk kind of setting, with subplots featuring zombies, demons, mad scientists, spies, and more. Well-designed and very entertaining. One can play it as a legit roleplaying game complete with stats and battles, or just romp through the various paths assuming a win at each battle – I tried some of each.

      THE RETURN OF CAPTAIN JOHN EMMET by Elizabeth Speller is a post-WWI mystery featuring lots of intertwined subplots; in the end there were a few too many coincidences for my taste, but overall it was entertaining.

    5. Anon5775*

      How the penguins saved Veronica by Hazel Prior was a delight! I highly recommend to those that liked A man called Ove by Frederik Backman.

    6. Bluebell*

      Just finished The Fated Sky by Mary Robinette Kowal. And also in the middle of Our Time is Now by Stacey Abrams. She is such a good writer.

    7. Tortally HareBrained*

      I read Piece of My Heart by Alafair Burke and Mary Higgins Clark this week. It’s potentially the last in their co-written Under Suspicion series. It was enjoyable in the way I find many of her later books, comforting and familiar. Not blow you out of the water mystery, but well paced and moved forward the cast of familiar characters.

      I’m also reading The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters by Priya Parker. Not my usual fare, reading it for professional development but I’m enjoying it and finding useful tidbits to think about.

    8. allathian*

      I’m rereading The Flame Trees of Thika by Elspeth Huxley. I first read it as a young teen, in the mid-80s when the TV-show that was based on the book was popular. Interesting take on the race and gender relations in East Africa before World War I, seen through the eyes of a child.

    9. *daha**

      I’ve got two science fiction anthologies sitting on my desk at the top of my to-read pile. They just came from the library. They are Dark Matter: A Century of Speculative Fiction from the African Diaspora, and the follow up Dark Matter: Reading the Bones. They are both edited by Sheree Renee Thomas. Thomas has just been named the new editor at The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction. I’m completely unfamiliar with her work, so this will be my introduction.

    10. udon the day away*

      I’ve been knitting up a storm, which means I’m unable to read, so instead I’ve borrowed audio books from the library. This week I’m finally reading/listening to ‘Catherine, Called Birdy’, which I’ve wanted to read for years and which I’m really, really enjoying. Prior to that it was a slew of books by Alan Garner; Boneland made me cry, and I listened to it twice in a row.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Hi! Welcome!
      I remember when I first found AAM. I read and read and read. Then one day I actually made a post. I don’t usually post online because what happens next is usually not worth it. Alison does a great job of setting rules and not tolerating nonsense. And most of the time, I read something that I can apply to what I am doing RIGHT NOW. It’s very relevant and useful. My life is better because of reading here.
      I hope you enjoy!

    6. Notthemomma*

      Welcome Mystic!
      I hope you have the chance to peruse past posts; there is a lot of good info about work, life, weird stuff. You’ll get to recognize some posters; Allison has built a great community here which we so appreciate. Glad to have you in the community.

  35. GiantPanda*

    @Alison, do you also get commission for your book recommendations from other Amazon sites? This is not the first one that sounds very interesting, but my books come from amazon.de instead of com.

  36. Stressed COVID Mover*

    Requesting tips for moving during the time of COVID! We had been thinking about buying our first house and originally planning to do so this summer-ish but then COVID happened (and we have been in the super cautious category of reacting to COVID). Our rental is lovely and so we decided to delay until things were better. The house owners told us a few months ago that they were thinking about selling the place we’re staying in so we started low-key moving towards a house purchase, but then they backed off and said they weren’t sure, they were still thinking about it, etc. Yesterday afternoon we finally got the mortgage pre-approval, and then about half an hour later, got a call from the landlord saying they’ve decided to sell and they want us out by March 1st. (I will confess that I’m a bit annoyed with them on this one; they did let us know beforehand that they were thinking about it, but it still feels like a crap move to call us a week before Christmas and tell us they’re kicking us out in 2 months in the middle of a pandemic.)

    So…. now I’m freaking out a bit. I have a great real estate agent that I called last night and we are going to work on that end, but this all feels so overwhelming. We’ve never done this before, and aren’t 100% sure what we’re even looking for, which makes this feel like an impossibly short turn-around. The market around here is really tough right now (another reason we’d been waiting), and trying to figure this out while being pandemic-ally responsible is tricky. And then I’m not sure how to move; basically all of my adult moves have involved some version of a group of friends coming and joining a moving party (which I have also done in return – this is how my friend group rolls), but COVID. On the other hand, having random movers coming into the house whose precautions we don’t know is also not a good thought.

    Anyone have any ideas, thoughts, suggestions? Anyone else managed something like this and have tips?

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      We’re moving apartments in a few weeks (I cannot WAIT) and having our movers pack us as well. We chose them because their reviews are stellar, our new building recommended them, and they have clearly outlined COVID policies on their website. That’s really all you can go by, barring a personal recommendation from someone you trust.

      I would rather have professional movers in my home right now than my friends. People who are paid to be efficient and safe and whose tip depends on my satisfaction with their service. Plus they’re insured.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Emphasis on the insured. When I moved, the movers accidentally put the leg of a couch through a wall. The repair and repainting to bring my wall back to a suitable state (rather than dented and patched and obviously not quite the same shade of taupe) was all on them, and they did it promptly – I didn’t have to chase any of my friends down to either do it, or pay for having it done, or anything like that. Much less stressful.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          Exactly. I don’t even want to think about a well-meaning friend dropping something valuable. I’m very lucky to be in a position where I can hire movers (and packers, which to me is a real luxury), especially in times as stressful as these. I once saved for months so I could hire professional movers, and for this move I will probably make a small dent in my savings (due to a pay cut) but it is soooo worth it.

          1. Stressed COVID Mover*

            My experience with friends helping has generally been positive. The last time we moved, for example, was when my now husband and I were combining households. My stuff was 90% moved by friends, and then we had professional movers in for a couple of the heaviest pieces of furniture a few days later and my husband’s stuff was mostly moved by the pros. My friends just had a much more… personal touch with the moving. For example, I have a couple of good friends with that I lived with for a number of years and who gave me some of their cast-off furniture when I moved out. They knew exactly how to take it apart and put it back together, and got everything set up exactly the way I needed it. The female half of the couple was the one who taught me how to cook, and so unsurprisingly we set up our kitchens in very similar ways. She spent a few hours on moving day unpacking my kitchen and putting everything away, and I can’t tell you how helpful it was the next few days just knowing instinctively where all the dishes would be. There seriously wasn’t a single dish she unpacked that I couldn’t find by just going to the drawer/cupboard where I thought it would be. We eventually moved things around a little bit to fit things in once my husband’s dishes were there, but for the most part it’s still the same.

            The professional movers did a great job , got everything to the house, and I have no complaints about how they did it, but it was a bit trickier. Their primary language wasn’t English, and while they did speak English reasonably well, there were times when it was hard for us to communicate things like please put this box in this room and that piece of furniture in that room, please push it all the way up to the wall, since this one is too big for us to move by ourselves so we have to get it in the exact right spot now. We got it all figured out and they were very careful with everything and I don’t think anything got broken (not sure how they did with packing things up because that mostly happened at hubby’s place, since mine was mostly empty except for the large furniture by the time they came over), but it was much more stressful than with friend movers. Although on the plus side I now know more about how to work with professional movers and how to get ready for them to come.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              You may have figured this out already from last time but — color coding! Post-its are the easiest way to do it, I found, but you can also use colored duct or electrical tape, or labels, or similar. All the boxes that go in THIS room get a green post-it taped on the top of the box (and all four sides, if you’re being really dedicated, so you can see it from any angle), and THIS room also has a green post-it on the door. All the boxes for THAT room get a pink post-it, as does THAT room’s door, and so on. The color coding means that language barriers are less of a concern, as well as being helpful for everyone at a glance to know what goes where.

              Similarly, if you have multiple floors, you can mark which floor the destination room is on the post-its too — 1 or 2, up-arrow or down-arrow, something like that. When I moved, my master bedroom was up the stairs and to the right, so the boxes for that room all had an up-and-90-degrees-right arrow on their label and the bedrooms to the left had up-and-left arrows. Downstairs pretty much had kitchen, my office, and “everything else” got piled in the living room, so it was right arrow, left arrow and X because that’s more or less how those three areas were arranged from the front door. (I couldn’t figure out how to draw a “center” that didn’t look like an up-arrow, hence X. :) )

    2. lapgiraffe*

      Agree with AvonLady that pros know what they’re doing and are very efficient at it. I was in a similar position to you except it was not covid times and it was a very sour situation, in the end we moved twice in five months because of it and used two different moving companies. Though I did not love the first one (hence there being a second), both were incredibly fast and had systems that made it feel much safer than just me and friends.

      In both situations I just stayed out of their way, I could have practically just gone and gotten a coffee and let them work on their own. So from a covid perspective you could easily just hang out on a porch or back yard, pop up the trunk of a suv and have your own mini moving tailgate, and the doors are open so there’s so much ventilation happening/no one is staying anywhere for long. And when you reach new house just fling open the windows and let the place air out. I’m sure these guys are used to wearing a mask by now and will do things safely.

      As for finding the house, truly truly I wish you good luck. It’s a tough market where I am and I just threw myself into seeing as many places in my budget and desired locations as I could every weekend. I found a great realtor through a friend, and now I’m good friends with the realtor and we play tennis all the time, but having someone who you trust and who actually steps up and works, that was key for me. Realtor might also have good insight into short term rental to bridge the gap. Good luck!

    3. BRR*

      We moved and ended up using movers who were recommended by a friend. While the friends didn’t use them during covid, turns out good movers also had good covid policies. The movers themselves were a little more iffy but it worked out to pack ourselves, save the most delicate breakables for moving ourself, and let them move the rest. We were basically able to stay out of each other’s ways and they were incredibly quick.

      1. BRR*

        I’d also suggest getting another preapproval or two to get the best rate and ask how long it’s taking them in average to close.

    4. WellRed*

      If you’ve been good tenants, can you ask them for a bit more time and point out the holidays and pandemic makes this difficult.

      1. Stressed COVID Mover*

        I’d been thinking about doing that too since we’ve gotten along really well. I kind of want to see what our timeline might be first since I think it would be easier to say, for example, please give us three more weeks, we get our new keys on Date than please give us more time, we don’t know how much but more!

        1. WellRed*

          I don’t think it would hurt to ask now, just a month could make a huge difference for you. Not so much for her.

      2. Otter Dance*

        The date may have been chosen because they actually have a buyer, and that date is needed to accommodate their closing date.
        But agreed, it’s worth asking.

    5. Natalie*

      I wouldn’t worry about hiring movers – in my experience it’s better to stay out of their way, so you don’t really need to interact with them the way you would with friends. Remember we’re not talking about radioactivity or even norovirus, once the actual people are out of your space, the risk is basically zero again.

      Don’t hesitate to ask for more time, if it would be helpful. The worst that can happen is they say no.

      That said, I wouldn’t rush to buy, especially if you can’t get more time. A tight market and a tight timeline means you’re way more likely to end up with something you don’t really want, and overpay to boot.

    6. Double A*

      Would to be at all interested in purchasing the house you’re renting? Could be worth thinking about and discussing with the landlord.

      1. Stressed COVID Mover*

        They offered to let us do that and originally we decided that we didn’t want to for various reasons (deferred maintenance, location not where we wanted to plant ourselves, etc.). We are reconsidering that again though if they’re still open to it; the local market is so tough that it might be a good idea to consider it a “starter house”, buy it knowing its warts, and then find another option in a few years when things aren’t so awful. In particular, since it’s so much of a seller’s market right now, it’s almost impossible to buy a house if you want an inspection done first; buying a house where we already more or less know the warts because of having lived here might be better than buying a completely different house with issues unknown.

    7. Jenny F. Scientist*

      IDK where you are but in some (many) states, landlords can’t terminate your lease just because they have sold a property. It might be worth looking into.

      I second hiring movers- we found some surprisingly good people on Craigslist (I know!) and hired a friend’s adult son once for the heavy lifting. I would also buy a N-95 type mask for myself, whenever the movers are going to be around; at least it’ll help protect you regardless of their choices.

    8. NewWorkingMama*

      We bought a house in July in an insane market. It was less than 24 hrs between seeing the house and putting in a competitive offer. There was no back and forth, everyone put in their best offer and they picked. That being said we closed really quickly with minimal issues and it was 60 days. I would think you’d need to either get an extension or find somewhere else to live temporarily. Also, having a super tight deadline to buy a house is so stressful! We used professional movers and I just stayed outside the front door directing them where to go and my husband made sure they were all masked and spaced at our apartment.

    9. Esmeralda*

      1. Make a list of things you do and don’t want (two storeys, small lot, walkable neighborhood, new construction etc)
      2. As you look at possible houses, revise your list
      3 . Share your list with your agent
      4. Remember that many many people have done this. You can do it too!

    10. Juneybug*

      I wonder if this might be a good time to divide and conquer – one person does the house hunting, setting up tours, working with the real estate agent, etc. The other person starts packing up the house or getting it ready for movers, etc.

    11. Dream Jobbed*

      I am so late to this you are probably not going to see it. But please bring this topic up again after the first of the year. I have much more advice!

      -If you don’t have pets/kids can you put stuff in storage until you have some breathing room?
      -Market is extreme right now. It will go back down (this isn’t the 2005 bubble, but has some similarities.) The thought of desperate buying on a house is terrifying.
      Packing – I bought labels (post-its fall off) about 3″ x 3″ and used three on every box (top and town corners) so I could always see them. Labeled them by room – i.e. LR 1 for living room box one, and kept a spreadsheet of what was in each one. No reason for movers to know what is in them.
      -As you load a box up, put it in storage (even if you are buying now, start emptying the house. Least important stuff will be at the back of the unit.) You can empty out the unit at your leisure too.
      -If in America, keep track of everything you donate to charity and use itsdeductible dot com to determine the value of what you give away. (Probably only helpful if you already itemize.)
      -Plan on a few days before you move in to clean, repair, and paint the new place. So much easier without lots of stuff around.
      -I’ve had terrible luck with movers – three major moves of at least 1800 miles – so just keep an eye on them. During my one in town move, the kid comes in and starts kicking down my antique sleigh bed – all it needed was to be gently lifted out. Pay more attention to new employees.

  37. Nanny breaking shelter-in-place*

    Hi, posted about this before but no clear resolution. What to do about a nanny who insists on flying to another state to see family (no emergency, she hasn’t even met most of these people before they are her bf of one year’s) because ‘the family decides’ and it’s not her decision according to her (and her bf’s dad is a retired doctor and apparently says it’s ok?). She is a very normal happy seeming person, I don’t get weird control vibes. It seems more like she thinks we won’t get mad at her or argue with her if she says it’s somebody else’s fault. We are in the worst hot-spot in the US, ICU beds close to 0, strict shelter in place order in both our state and the one she wants to travel to and quarantine requirements (so it looks like she is going to just ignore quarantine rules in the other state). I am forcing her to quarantine in our state before starting work for us, so she misses one month of work, we have to find a substitute during a pandemic. She had only 2 vacation days when she declared she is going, no matter what, because ‘it would be illegal for “them” (ie government?) not to let her fly (I am actually not sure about this, I think it kind of is illegal to brake the shelter in place for non-approved reasons). She was ready to quit over this, so we are letting her take unpaid time. I am so angry about her not caring about spreading the virus even if she isn’t scared for herself (she is healthy and in her mid- 20s). My husband says we are her employers so it doesn’t matter what she does in her own time, it is not such a big deal, and it would a be difficult to replace her. She is great with our daughter. But I can’t even look the nanny in the eyes I’m so mad. I think this is technically a reportable violation but I don’t think I want to go there. The question is, should we fire her over this? It has nothing to do with work performance (except she insisted on taking leave she doesn’t have, just booked the flight, but we decided to capitulate on that). The agency we use says it’s legal for us to fire her (we also have an explicit statement in our contract that breaking COVID related safety rules may end in termination). So I know what’s legal. But what is the right thing to do? What if she ends up not traveling in the end? Do we then…. not fire her? How would we know for sure anyway?

    1. WellRed*

      I think you have to let her go and find a new nanny because it sounds like the trust is broken. You are here asking because you know deep down that’s what you have to do. Also, I’d honestly be annoyed by her reasonings (it’s not even her family!) and questioning her overall judgment.

      1. tangerineRose*

        That’s what I’d recommend too. Sounds like she doesn’t really care that she might infect people, and she is comfortable blaming others.

    3. Alex*

      I don’t think I could employ a person I was blindingly angry at to take care of my child. I think that is the real thing that matters here–not whether or not what she is doing is legal/right.

      As long as she follows quarantine rules she is probably legally allowed to travel. But that doesn’t assuage your anger, so I would just fire her.

    5. Anona*

      It sounds like you’re really uncomfortable having her continue as a nanny, which is fine! She’s doing some really risky behavior. Do you think you could find a new one?

    6. Not A Manager*

      I don’t understand the question. You’ve established that it’s legal for you to fire her, so you can fire her if you want to.

      You say that she threatened to quit and therefore you allowed her to take unpaid time, but why? This is an employment relationship. You basically said, “this is a non-negotiable condition of your employment,” she said “I choose not to continue being employed under those conditions,” so… problem solved? By deciding that the “non-negotiable” condition was in fact negotiable, now you’re in a position where you are enraged at your employee and you don’t trust her.

      I personally couldn’t continue to employ someone that I felt that way about, regardless of the underlying circumstances. I can’t imagine it’s good for anyone, including your child.

    7. ampersand*

      In normal times you wouldn’t be monitoring her behavior to this degree. This isn’t normal times. She’s taking unnecessary risks and I would question her judgment at this point. She needs to go.

    8. CatCat*

      She’s already told you she’s going to travel in defiance of COVID rules. Fire her. If she ends up not traveling… so what, she’s already fired. Not your problem anymore. I would not trust this person with my family, personally.

      1. CatCat*

        And as to this: My husband says we are her employers so it doesn’t matter what she does in her own time…

        Except that she comes into your home. It is 100% of your business if she defies COVID regulations on her own time. Because when she does that, what she does on her own time comes into your home on your time.

        1. Natalie*

          It sounds like she just decided she was taking time off with minimal notice and without getting it okayed by her employer. That’ll get you fired pretty much everywhere, home-based or not.

    9. RagingADHD*

      Just fire her already. You hired a nanny in the first place to get help, and reduce your stress. You are getting the opposite.

      Anybody who just announces that they’re not going to show up for work, even though they’re out of PTO, doesn’t care much about keeping their job.

      Why should you care more about her job than she does? There should not be this much constant negotiation all the time.

      1. Lizzie*

        Hiya, you are her employers and it DOES matter what she does in her own time if it affects her ability to do her job safely when she is at work. So, dying her hair red is fine, being under the influence of alcohol or other drugs is not. Her job is to care for a child – your child- and you now know she is not taking the risk of infection seriously.
        It is difficult isn’t it when we like someone, and they do a good job, but then we discover something that we can’t accept – we do prefer people to be consistently good or bad!

    10. Jessi*

      I am a nanny. I now live back in London, but I spent 2017-18 working in a nanny in CA.

      It seems your nanny is not on the same page as you. This is never going to work out. Fire her and hire a new nanny. I promise you that if you are paying well (average for your area, with PTO, a few sick days ect) and legally, and you will find another nanny – there are loads of nannies who have been made redundant due to the pandemic.

      before you hire your next nanny make sure you and your partner have sat down and agreed a COVID policy. This should apply to you too, and you can show it to her as “this is the policy, we are/ will do X to help keep you safe and we expect Y in return. Will you require (and therefore you should pay for) the nanny to get the vaccine when it becomes available? If yes this should go in the contract, and be agreed at the start. What is your policy for taking vacation? the family I work for are very flexible but I try to give them at least two weeks notice, and they give me two weeks when they are going to go away. You need to try and hire a nanny who is on the same page as you or one party will always be upset.

      1. Sam I Am*

        I think the language about creating your COVID policy and using it for hiring someone new is spot on.
        She seems to be a bad fit for your needs, and distilling your protocols for the next hire is a great idea.

    11. LNLN*

      Clearly, your nanny has poor judgment about this. I would be wary about her judgment in other situations related to health and safety. Look for a new nanny!!!

    12. Anono-me*

      I think if I were in your shoes that I would already have a new nanny whose judgment I trust.

      What happens next time someone asks her to break quarantine? Will she tell you or just be quiet about it? If she tells you about it, you have to go through this all over again. New Year’s, Valentine’s and St Patrick’s celebrations are coming up soon. If she is talking about how pandemic saftey measures are impacting her rights, you may see her making more covid-19 choices that you disagree with. She also may feel that it is in her best interests or it is her right not to tell you if she doesn’t follow protocols on her own time. Which is its own set of problems for you.

      But while this is about Covid-19, it slso isn’t. It’s about her disrespecting the her work contract. I guarantee that if I unilateraly decided to take extra time off from anywhere that I ever worked, that I would be out on my can. (I know nanny is a weird dynamic, but I have worked some pretty weird places and/or for family.) It is also about trusting her judgment. Her first responsibility is to keep your daughter safe. Caring and fun come a distant second. Your nanny’s initial plan to travel right now without quarantine time was one that would have your daughter and your whole family at risk.

    13. Nacho*

      Going to your boss and telling them you’re taking a time off with no noticee using vacation days you don’t have shows a clear lack of understanding of how jobs work, and I wouldn’t be suprised if you fired her for that alone. I know my boss would sack me in a second if I did that.

    14. Not So NewReader*

      Of your entire paragraph the only parts that are relevant are the parts where you say she needs to do x by contract. She is not doing x as required by contract.
      Her bf, his fam, his doctor-dad and all that has nothing to do with her contract. It does not matter.

      I also think that with this level of anger on your part you are done with this person. Even if she does not travel, your ability to trust her is gone and your ability to calm down has also left the scene. I don’t think you will ever have a decent relationship with her again. As an employee, if I see this level of anger, I LEAVE. There’s nothing else to do.

      Alison always says never to threaten to quit over something. Yet your nanny did threaten. You know, it takes a bit of doing to get to a place where threats are okay. She must have one foot out the door anyway.

      I would not belabor this any more. Call this week and make arrangements for a new nanny. All that is happening here is that she is getting more and more inflexible in her stance and you are getting more and more angry. Better to just let go. Your little girl will love the next person also.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I don’t know if I’d say never threaten to quit over something. If you’re ready to quit over something, in some cases it can make sense to be up front about that (not threatening, just “here’s where I am with this — is it resolvable?”) as long as you’re ready to follow through (not just bluffing) and have enough capital that the relationship can stand that strain if the immediate situation gets worked out and you stay*. In this case, the nanny said that this was a deal-breaker for her, which is good to know … but it can be a deal-breaker for the OP too.

        * Not trying to talk work stuff here, but didn’t want people thinking I’ve said something that isn’t quite what I’ve said!

    15. Nanny breaking shelter-in-place*

      Thanks all. We are wondering if our nanny is behaving like this because she’s already done with our job, but prefers to be dismissed rather than quit so that she can collect unemployment benefits. Is that how it works? If she is ‘fired with cause’ would we have to dispute unemployment etc? I guess I can photograph the texts she sent that say that she will travel despite a shelter-in-place order, to prove ‘constructive dismissal’, though it feels like a bit much. We are paying her completely legitimately, so is everything including any unemployment she might collect, already covered by our tax? I don’t particularly want vengeance, but also don’t want to pay anything more when she’s behaved like this, other than strictly what she is owed.

      1. Sunflower*

        Talk to your agency about this. I don’t know much about how the unemployment benefits would work at this time but they should be able to tell you if you’d be on the hook for anything.

      3. Wintermute*

        In general, it’s really complicated. It depends on the state you’re in, and their laws. In most states I have lived in being fired for this would *probably* qualify you for unemployment. To be inelligible you need to be fired for either criminal conduct related to your workplace (theft, property damage, etc), malicious acts (sabotage, etc), attendance failure or job abandonment. If they’re just bad at their job, you don’t like them, or other at-will-employment-related firings they are capable of drawing unemployment.

        Clearly you have some very strong feelings about this (I do too, for what it’s worth) but it’s not actually illegal what she’s doing as far as courts have said thus far, so depending on where you are it’s quite likely she can collect unemployment. But that’s not really so bad, just think of it as something she is owed, there’s a safety net there for a reason, after all: it’s part and parcel of being an employer of people that sometimes it won’t work and as a society we’ve set a certain bar to ensure that even though she did make a serious mistake in my opinion it shouldn’t ruin her entire life.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            Yes — in the states I’ve dealt with, refusing to come to work when you’re supposed to be there / don’t have PTO would make you ineligible. Unemployment tends to be very black and white; if you break a clear rule (like “be at work on the days you’re scheduled” and “don’t take time off you’ve been told you can’t have”), they’ll generally deny you.

    16. Observer*

      I’m wondering why your husband thinks what she does on her own time doesn’t matter. More importantly, if your husband doesn’t think it’s big deal is he going to be willing to get a replacement?

      If you decide to fire her (and it sounds like a reasonable step to me), then just do it. At this point, don’t make it conditional on her not going. (You would know that she didn’t go because she would be available. But I think there is just no recovering.)

    17. Generic Name*

      So your husband has essentially said that what she does on her own time is her business. Okay, fine. What if, the evening before she starts work, she goes on a bender and is still drunk when she arrives at work? She then drives your child to school while still drunk. Sure, she got drunk on her own time, but that decision put your child’s life in danger. Intentionally putting oneself at risk of getting infected, and then expecting to come to work as if nothing happened is similarly irresponsible.

      If you REALLY WANT to continue to employ her, you could insist she quarantine herself unpaid for 2 weeks after she returns. However, you now have important information about her judgement and decision making ability.

  38. Red Sunglasses*

    Anyone else super annoyed with celebrities and influencers through the pandemic? I keep thinking back to that Gal Gadot ‘Imagine’ video and how much it exemplifies exactly what I hate about them. The fact that these people thought this video would bring so much joy to us everyday folk lives was so comical. 90% of the participants couldn’t even sing!! Especially recently, every time I go on a social media app, there’s another person issuing a press release on their COVID diagnosis (most of them super mild) and some even doing AMA’s of sorts. I find it so self important- do they not realize that they are not special and 76 million people have been through this? These posts don’t seem to have anything to do with educating people- it’s all about them talking about themselves as usual.

    I’ve never been a fan of influencers or celebrities pre-COVID and I feel like the pandemic has shed some more light on the pedestals we place them on. I value, consume and pay for their art/work but I don’t see why we should elevate them as more special than average human beings.

    Am I missing something here?

    1. Enough*

      Think is an unfortunate consequence of reality tv. If you are going to watch their shows you of course want to know everything that ever happens to them.

      1. fposte*

        I heard some really interesting commentary on a British podcast by a reality star there (Vicky Pattison, looks like) who said she feels like since the public made her, she owes them, and that drives her social media use. That really reframed my view of celebrity motivation.

    2. Should I apply*

      While I get the general annoyance with influencers, especially the ones that seem to be famous for being famous, it sounds like you are really just annoyed at society in general and the fact that we give these people attention that you don’t think they deserve. While social media has made this trend more visible I don’t think it has really changed human nature, a section of people always seem to want to know what “famous” people are doing. Otherwise tabloids would have never existed. What you consider annoying or self-important others might consider it thoughtful or at least interesting to them. (I am not one of those people)

      Can you just disengage from that part of social media or social media in general? I have pretty much zero influencers in my feeds, because I basically only follow accounts with pretty pictures or very specific topics that I am interested in.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        Yep. The root cause of this is the fact we have celebrities and influencers to begin with. But what can you do.

      2. Red Sunglasses*

        I don’t actually follow any influencers or celebs – I mostly see it reported from legit news sites that I follow. I guess I’m annoyed at legit news sources picking up these stories but that’s a whole nother discussion.

        I always believe that as long as what people post isn’t harmful to anyone(photoshopped pics that you claim aren’t shopped falls under harmful in my book) or untruthful, they should post whatever they want and you can disengage.

        The first AMA I saw was from a journalist who tweeted ‘some days you write the story, other days you are the story. I have COVID, AMA’. and I just had to roll my eyes

    3. WellRed*

      I don’t disagree but I also think celebrities often have managers etc who tell them to do this or that when really, they shouldn’t. I’m thinking of actors who can’t sing who put out an album that dies a quick deserved death.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        I’m pretty sure the Gal Gadot imagine video was supposed to be a Wonder Woman PR thing. It crashed and burned but…yeah.

    4. lazy intellectual*

      Same. I’m tired of celebrities and people in general talking about the “silver linings” of getting to stay home more, take life more slowly, spend time with family, etc. I myself am fortunate enough to have stayed home during the pandemic, but idk…whatever “silver linings” I and other people have experienced have come at a huge expense during a global deadly pandemic. Giving up social gatherings is hardly a sacrifice.

      1. HBJ*

        Yea, I’m hardcore eye rolling. I’m currently a mostly SAHM, so how exactly is getting to “stay home more” and “spend time with family” some sort of silver lining? That’s … my normal life. I already didn’t get out as much as I’d like pre-pandemic, and now the things I did go out to are canceled. And yea, keep telling us that the shut-downs causing a serious step back in our business plans are a “silver lining”. Oh, we get to “stay home more.” Except we don’t have a home. We have a rental, and what we really wanted was to buy our own home, and now we don’t have the finances for it. But yea, what a silver lining that our life “slowed down.”

        So out of touch.

        1. Jessi*

          Right?
          Yes I want to spend more time in my tiny teeny flat. that we only have because we are never home

      2. LQ*

        I’m not one of the people who got to “stay home more, take life more slowly, spend time with family” and I’ll say I’m really frustrated that a huge part of the narrative around this whole thing has been this “silver lining” bs. I keep trying to tell myself that the people who have time to write this stuff are the people who have all this lovely extra time and families. The stories about the real hard stuff of working straight through, living apart from loved ones, and the horrors took a lot longer to come out because those are the people who are now screaming to try to get people to listen and do the right thing before they collapse, or after.

        (That said, I’d also say that giving up social gathering is absolutely a sacrifice, the only thing I looked forward to every week I had to give up and it’s absolutely put me on the verge of feeling like I’m not going to make it through when everything else is stacked up and that one little block was taken out at the bottom.)

        1. lazy intellectual*

          You are right – that statement was pretty flip. We all need socialization to varying degrees in our lives. I guess I was referring to the celebrities in the original post who are sad they can’t go to the met gala or whatever lol. (Adding to the Hall of Shame, did anyone see Vanessa Hudgens video where she insisted summer festivals shouldn’t be canceled because people dying was “inevitable”?)

        2. Jenny F. Scientist*

          Conan O’Brien on Twitter: ‘My New Year’s resolution for 2021 is “Spend less time with my family.”’

    5. 653-CXK*

      I hate “influencers” in general. They are nothing more than shameless, publicity-seeking poseurs, flogging whatever mediocre sludge they want to promote.

      (I have stronger words, but I won’t use them here.)

    6. RagingADHD*

      There’s a charming movie with Jack Lemmon and Judy Holliday called “It Should Happen to You,” that has a really fun twist on the idea of people getting famous for being famous.

      It’s very wholesome. Probably would be a good antidote to the way you’re feeling.

      1. PollyQ*

        I saw that last year, and it really was fascinatingly topical for a movie that’s 66 years old! Also, Jack Lemmon is fabulous in it.

    7. CTT*

      I don’t know if this will actually be comforting, but we watched an old episode of Name That Tune last night, complete with old commercials, and celebrity is nothing new, and neither is being famous for being famous. It seems like there’s more of it now with social media, but you don’t have to follow these people. It’s pretty easy to carve out a social media world of just the things you are interested in.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I don’t do much with social media.
      As far as the so-called influencers most people I know have never even heard of them. I am not sure how they be influencing people.

      Anyway, the cynic in me says follow the money. What is the influencer saying? Next step, who would be interested in paying them money to say that? So with the Covid stuff, cynical me says, “Who would be interested in a message that basically says, ‘Covid is nothing.’ ”

      Eh, so let’s say NO one is paying them to share this message, just to keep the storyline moving here. Is someone tampering with number of views to make it seem like the masses are watching? (I have seen this one in my own experiences.) Is the deliverer of the message starving for attention and any attention will do? Is this a person who could talk for an hour and say nothing? It’s good to look at the whole context, not just the video.

      In some settings the so-called influencer is actually a pretty sad person having a sad life. It’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

    9. KR*

      I think some of it is celebrities reacting like normal, maybe heavy, social media users with a large following and we’re just hearing about it all because of celebrity gossip/tabloids/the fact that people tend to share things of interest to them on social. If I made that stupid imagine video no one would watch it and you would have no idea I made it, but because a bunch of movie stars did you’re seeing it everywhere. It’s also a bit annoying but they’re also trying to use social media to keep themselves relevant, which I get.

    10. Generic Name*

      I’m not annoyed by social media “influencers” because I pay zero attention to them. I haven’t even heard of this video, and I do not watch reality TV. Where did you happen to see this video posted? Maybe unfollow whoever posted it or don’t go to the website where you saw it? I used to be on Twitter, but I took a break because I was similarly annoyed at what I saw there. I have no idea how king that break has been (a year maybe?) but I realized I didn’t miss it so I haven’t felt like going back there. We do have control over the media we consume.

    11. TL -*

      People really connect to a person(ality) through their work. I don’t know if it’s elevation so much as just a buying into a fantasy of a person/friend that’s a really nice escape. My favorite YouTuber does these witty, insightful video essays on movies, pop culture, etc.. and when I watch a video she makes, I am essentially “hanging out” for an hour with an interesting person who’s never boring or making an unclear argument. (I’m positive in real life she’s different, of course, but I only know her through her YouTube channel.) And I like her POV on things, so yeah, if she made a video on her experience with COVID, I’d probably watch it, just like if my actual friend wanted to tell me about their experience, I’d listen.

      It’s a pseudo-friendship – you’re interested and emotionally invested*, to a point. Obviously, there’s no two-way personal interactions but also no “off” days or difficult conversations like with a real friendship. And with a lot of people scared about COVID, hearing about the experience of someone they have some sort of trust in is comforting. Or they may have been worried about the influencer/celebrity and wanted to know how they were faring. Which is pretty normal in your friends and family network! It’s just that most people’s network of this sort is probably under 20 people, while celebrities and influences have a network that’s thousands to millions of people big.

      I’ve felt the exact same irritation when I’m out with a group of people where I only know some of them and one of the people I don’t know very well starts rambling on about their life and their experiences. I don’t care and I don’t really want to be subjected to the mundane details of their life – but I do care when someone who I am friends with starts going on about the exact same subject. So. It’s the same thing, just on a massive scale.

      *see how many people felt personally betrayed by JK Rowling’s essays on trans people

  39. Teapot Translator*

    On another subject, is anyone here on Postcrossing? I’d heard of it ages ago and I decided this week to sign up! I’m preparing my first postcard! Once it’s in the mailbox, I’ll request a few more.
    I like the fact that it’s a one-way thing? I have issues with correspondence (I’m terrible at it and I’m always disappointing people by responding to everything late or never). So, just sending a postcard and expecting nothing in return is soothing.

    2. DistantAudacity*

      Yes, me!

      I heard about it here! I just got my first postcard this week – a lovely Christmas card from Germany.

      It takes a bit of time, since you have to send off cards, they have to be registered as received, and then someone gets you to send a card to. I have sent cards to the US (twice), Germany (twice), Russia, Singapore and France.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I got carried away and now have five postcards ready (or nearly, I’m missing a stamp) to go. Once someone else registers one of my cards, can I ask for more addresses? I’ve reached my limit for the moment (I only get 5 addresses). I’m sending cards to the United States (I’m in Canada), Germany, Russia, Japan and England!

    3. Heartlover1717*

      I plan to sign up after the new year and the raise in postal rates here in the US. Looking forward to it!

  40. fposte*

    Trivial laundry question! I adore those super-cheap blankets and throws around now (mine are literally from my supermarket) where one side is velvety and one side soft fake sheepskin. I find the velvety side keeps its texture reasonably well but the sheepy side starts to lose its airy feel with laundering. Would fabric softener be more or less useful here? These are way too flimsy for the slicker brush treatment. It may just be inevitable that a $10 blanket loses its top form quickly, but I’ve wondered especially about the fabric softener since there are some things it’s not great for.

    2. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      Could it be the dryer? Cheap synthetic fabric might melt a bit in a high heat dryer. Air drying might be best for cheap fabrics.

      1. fposte*

        That’s a thought— generally it’s in low heat but I can try air-drying in future. The agitation probably doesn’t help either.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      My cushy synthetic throws lost their softness from machine drying. I will air-dry the replacements from now on.

    4. LQ*

      Not sure if this will work for blankets but I’ve used this trick on fluffy rugs? Pull it out of the wash and shake the snot out of it, then let it air dry. If you can shake it once or twice while it dries too. I’d definitely avoid the fabric softener and the dryer.

    5. ShortT*

      I was diagnosed with ADHD late this past winter. I had an ASC l assessment last week. My ASC feedback session is scheduled for Tuesday next week.

      Finally.

  41. Should I apply*

    Hobbies – dabble vs. focus? Which are you?

    In my personal life I am a chronic dabbler, I love to try new things, usually craft related, but my interest tends to wear off quickly and its on to the next thing. Due to this I have a rather large and varied collection of art and craft supplies. This tendency doesn’t show up in my professional life, and honestly might be a reaction to my professional life which is pretty boring.

    At the same time I am fascinated by people who have taken what I would consider a hobby and made it an artform and/or career. I realize to do that you have to commit to one area and really focus on it. So I am curious for others are you a dabbler or do you really focus on one thing? Why do you think you choose to do that?

    1. Asenath*

      Dabbler, and not just in crafts. I think I have a magpie sort of mind – I easily lose interest or get distracted by some new interest.

    2. Dwight Schrute*

      Absolutely a dabbler here! I don’t have the drive to turn my hobbies into a more serious thing because then it’s not fun to me

    3. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      I dabble like you. My hobbies have included jewelry making, sewing (totebags and backbacks) macrame, painting (acrylic and watercolor), candle making… since i don’t sell anything i stop when i have enough of something (ok…too much) or can’t keep giving them away as gifts.

    4. Mystic*

      I’m a dabbler in a few things, but every once in awhile, something grabs my focus and I just concentrate on that until I get distracted again or I finish it.

    5. Dan*

      I’m a “focus” person with most things in life. I’m not really sure why that is. I try to be careful though, because I don’t want to spend too much money on a “one hit wonder” that doesn’t make a lasting impression on me. For example, some of my “hobbies” are food and beverage related. I decided I was tired of my Keurig, and wanted to get into the “craft” coffee scene. Depending on what you do, you can spend *lots* of money. (One of the biggest hits this season was a $500 espresso maker. It’s hard to find in stock *anywhere* right now.) But sometimes cheap just really doesn’t cut it (crappy coffee really is crappy coffee, but if you buy the good stuff and prepare it wrong, you still have crappy coffee.) So for me, it’s this weird balance between “do it right” and “don’t break the bank.” If I spent a lot of money on something that I could have gotten cheaper, but use it regularly, I *usually* don’t have that much guilt over what I spent. But stuff I spend any amount of money on and use just once or twice really is a waste.

    6. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I’m definitely a dabbler. I would love to be able to make and sell crafts – but to be successful, you need to make a lot of similar type things and I just cannot. It’s way too boring. ( plus sitting at craft shows all day long is the worst.) I made masks for a charity this summer. Making the first like three masks was ok. Making the remaining 37 was torture.

    7. oranges & lemons*

      I feel like I’m somewhere in between these categories. I have too many hobbies to focus on all of them at once, so in that sense I’m a dabbler, but I tend to take on large projects that I focus on for months or years at a time. I have made money from some of them, but not a career. I also think it would be nice to really focus on one thing and get more accomplished, but on the whole, I’m glad to have a varied set of interests. If I get too burned out on one of them, I can switch to something really different.

      2. Grapey*

        Same – I am a dabbler but when I see that I get good at a few hobbies I tend to explore them more. I’ve made some money off of my stuff, as well as (I assume) appreciated christmas gifts in a couple of areas.

    9. LQ*

      I dabble until I’m ALL IN. And I’m ALL IN when I’m bored at work. I dabble when I’m engaged. I’ve kind of mapped out hobbies vs work and there is this sort of I need to be engaged/work hard at this level and I make it happen between hobbies and work. It’s sort of interesting and when I had my job shift to being more intense I consciously folded down my hobbies. If at some point the opposite starts to happen I plan to pick up my hobbies again more quickly to keep myself from getting frustrated in general which has happened before, but I see the pattern now!

    10. OyHiOh*

      Both

      Due to a somewhat unusual childhood and range of family characters, I have an extremely wide arts and crafts skill set. I don’t have a lot of depth in any one particular thing, but I can fold a gorgeous boquet of origami tulips, pinch out a clay pot, make a macrame keychain . . . . you get the point. Some knowledge, in many different areas.

      But I’m a three dimensional modern artist in one of my spare times and I use all of those different skills to create art pieces. At the moment, one of the pieces on my bench involves drift wood, wood stain, jewelry wire, acrylic paint, air dry clay, and advertising paper. None of the techniques I’m using are terribly advanced, but half a dozen simple processes are turning into something beautiful.

    11. allathian*

      I’m definitely a dabbler, always have been. The only exception is reading, it’s been a serious hobby of mine since I first learned to read as a kid. The only time when I didn’t read a lot was when I was working on my Master’s thesis and had to read a lot of non-fiction.

    12. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I try not to dabble, because I’m really really bad at giving up on things quickly. I don’t enjoy doing things I’m bad at, so the number of times I’ve spent Lots Of Money on a new thing I want to try, only to try it twice, decide I’m terrible at it and I hate it, and shove all the supplies into a closet somewhere, is really stupid. :P Or I totally psych myself out and get scared to even open the box and try – Ashford inkle loom I bought four years ago and haven’t even taken out of the SHIPPING box yet, I am looking at you. And I am also super stern-face looking at myself because that weaving thread elsewhere on this weekend’s page had me adding a heddle loom to my wishlist last night, what the hell. So when I say I try not to dabble, I am … not always successful. :P

    13. Reba*

      I have just a few things/skills, some of which I have formally trained in in the past, but I am pretty off and on with actually practicing them. Like, years without picking it up. I did a lot of different arty disciplines as a young person, but then focused on a couple forms of visual art for a university degree.

      (Aside, I was one of those privileged, overscheduled kids and I often look back in amazement — from my couch — at how much *stuff* I did while a student! The energy, how???)

      I was just talking with spouse this morning about their instrument, which they have played since age 15 and have been getting newly serious about in the past year. We talked about how comforting it is to have something that’s always with you, but also how as we get older it’s possible to find new depths in the familiar.

    14. Thankful for AAM*

      I’m interested in moving from hobby to side gig. Would love to hear from anyone who has done that.

  42. RosyGlasses*

    By the way – thank you Allison for your recommendation of the House by the Cerulean Sea – I loved it so much! The Midnight Library came up as a recommendation when I was purchasing this one and it was also fantastic (and I found out later that it was nominated as the Fiction book of 2020 by Goodreads). Both exceptional and a breath of fresh air in this 2020 crapshow.

  43. Rebecca*

    I would love some blog recommendations please! Ideally with a comments section that is considerate/respectful (or at least well moderated). What do you look at when you’re online but not on the AAM site?

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      If you’re interested in fashion at all, Go Fug Yourself is hilarious and has one of the best comment sections on the internet. The only place I ever tell people to read the comments!

      1. Canuck girl*

        Seconding this. I like Corporette – it’s work related, mostly with respect to fashion, but there are great threads on lifestyle issues and a great weekly news article compilation (mostly related to career women) that always includes a humorous article as well. The comments section is respectful and interesting.
        Lainey Gossip is fun with often great in-depth analysis of all things celeb.

      2. VirtualLight*

        Thirding Go Fug Yourself. Even if you’re not interested in clothes (I am) or celebrities (I’m not especially) the writing is witty and relatable and speaks to what’s happening in our culture. The lovely warmth in the comment sections – which is often very wide-ranging in terms of subject depth and breadth – and the Friday links post make it one of my main homes on the internet.

        I also spend a lot of time reading Danny Lavery’s Dear Prudence on Slate. Can’t speak to the comment sections there, though.

    5. N. Parker*

      I’m obsessed with Refinery 29’s Money Diaries. I love getting a window into how women of other ages and locations manage their careers and money. Comments can run the gamut but are never too crazy.

  44. For Volunteer Document Transcribers*

    I remember learning about volunteer document transcription here. I never got around to doing it myself, but now a local museum has asked an organization I volunteer with for help in setting up an online system for their archives. We can’t take it on, but we’re hoping to give them some help with creating their own system. How do the organizations you’ve volunteered with manage the process of presenting the documents, allowing check-outs and check-ins, and reviewing completed transcriptions? What makes a system easy to use?

    1. Wishing You Well*

      No idea but organizations that use “citizen scientists” might be able to help you. Try searching online for such organizations. See if one is willing to give you set-up advice. Crowdsourcing for archives and science is one of the best uses of the Internet!
      Best of Luck.

    2. another scientist*

      They could try to get their project in with the zooniverse.org . That’s a platform coordinating volunteer efforts like that.

    3. More Coffee Please*

      I just started doing some volunteer transcription online with the Smithsonian! If you Google “Smithsonian Digital Volunteers” you should find it.

      I’m not too familiar with how it works yet, but from what I understand, the document becomes locked to other users when you begin a transcription. This prevents people from overwriting each other. However, the document will automatically save and unlock after 15 minutes of inactivity to prevent someone from idling having the document open and locked on their computer.
      Once a document is complete, it’s marked as ready for review by another volunteer. Once that person reviews it, it’s sent to the Smithsonian employees (I think) for final review.

      I think it’s easy to use in that there’s nothing special I have to remember to do when I open a document to edit it.

  45. KAPtain*

    Has anyone gone through KAP (not just infusions)? I had my first session yesterday (integration session will be next week). It’s by far the weirdest thing I have ever done in my life! I’m not sure how what I experienced is healing, though. I’m actually a bit sadder today (which I’ve been told can be normal). I know these are things to discuss with the therapist and I will be, but would love to hear about other’s experiences – did it help? Did you feel confused about how it was healing at the beginning?

    1. Courageous cat*

      Yeah! I didn’t even know what KAP was and had to google it, but yes, I do the nasal spray.

      Never done an infusion but my understanding is by and large that they can trigger some big/bad feelings for a little while afterward, but you should start to see real improvement after multiple of them.

      The nasal spray is much smaller doses more frequently, so I can’t quite relate, though I will say it seems to affect me somewhat differently every time.

  46. nep*

    Do you have added antivirus/malware software on your smart phone?
    My Norton plan allows for five devices. Good idea to use it on my phone? Reading a bit online about this, but would be interested in thoughts/experiences of anyone here.

    1. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      I did for a time. I used Avast antivirus. It was fine. I never really noticed a benefit. I do use an ad blocker on my mobile browser and that seems to make the biggest difference. I don’t download a bunch on my phone anyway.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      No. Antivirus is like a placebo. I’ve never seen a real-life situation in which it stopped a security threat. If anything, I’ve seen many cases of people not paying attention to real security issues, because they think they’re protected by antivirus.

    3. Gatomon*

      I ran Malwarebytes on my Android devices, but have switched to iPhone/iPad and did not continue it with the switch. I’m also about to drop it on my Windows PC, because I think Windows Defender is up to snuff finally and it’s a bit heavy-handed. It did stop some of those ad-redirects on my phone, but never caught a malicious app. I’m very careful about what I install. I also run a Pi-hole (free-as-in-beer ad-blocking DNS server) at home so most ads don’t come through on my mobile devices. I don’t browse much outside the home, especially due to COVID now.

      As long as you are cautious about what you install/download on your device and don’t click on strange links, the big dangers are malvertising and device vulnerabilities. Keep your phone up to date and use ad blocking services if you can.

      1. nep*

        Thanks. This was a question to my IT guy, because Xfinity up to now had provided Norton Security for our PCs, but is ending that. I’d asked whether Windows Defender is sufficient, as we have Windows 10.

  47. Just a PM*

    Has anyone refinanced their mortgage while thinking about moving? Interest rates are super low and if I refinanced, I’d be able to take a decent chunk off my monthly payments. But at the same time, I am planning on moving in about a year-ish (will start looking next summer) so I am not sure if refinancing is worth the hassle. What do you think?

    1. Enough*

      It’s a monetary decision. Will what you save monthly equal or exceed whatever costs you have to refinance? Usually if you are planning to move this soon it’s not worth it.

    2. LDF*

      If you google “refinance calculator” you’ll get a bunch of tools that will tell you your break even point in terms of months.

    3. Venus*

      Agreed with Enough that it’s a monetary decision. Keep in mind as well that there will be different penalties in a year when you sell, so would refinancing now also make those fees next year much smaller? Mortgage cancellation fees are typically based on interest rates of your payments, and variable rate mortgages tend to have lower cancellation fees, so there are ways that this could be less painful for you.

      As an example, if your current mortgage costs $3000 to break either now or next year, and you get a cheaper mortgage that will cost $1000 to break, then the cost to remortgage if you sell your home next year is really just an extra $1000.
      If you don’t remortgage and cancel it next year: $3000
      If you remortgage and cancel it next year: $4000
      There are easily financial options in which refinancing wouldn’t be a good idea, but it would be best to do some quick math comparing options.

      Hopefully that makes sense?

    4. Nacho*

      Refinancing costs a few thousand dollars (or at least it did for me), so I’m not sure it’ll be worth it if you’re thinking of moving soon.

    5. Holly the spa pro*

      As others have said, refinancing costs a couple thousand dollars in fees and sometimes you need an appraisal which is a few hundred more so usually moving that soon after will cost more money than you will save. Also, depending on the type of loan you have, you cannot get approved for a new loan within a year of a refi.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Check with your lender about your options – mine offered me a refi that literally just reduced my interest rate, it didn’t extend the duration of my loan, no appraisal or anything. It included a $1200 fee (I forget exactly what that covered, but it was basically closing costs/paperwork), but reduced my payments by about $250/month, so as long as I wasn’t planning to move in the next five months, I still came out ahead (and December is month 5). It was some sort of internal program they were doing only for existing customers who had been up to date on their mortgage for a certain length of time, I believe. (And I keep paying the same payments I had been previously, which was about $200 over the PREVIOUS payments, so now I’m making an even better whack at the principal. But I’m not planning to move any time in the foreseeable future.)

    7. Just a PM*

      thank you, everyone! I didn’t know there were fees for refinancing (well, I did, but not as high as some of you suggested, or maybe I was willfully ignoring them for the “this is how much you can save!” number). I will be doing more research in the coming months.

      1. Venus*

        There are fixed mortgages and variable ones. The fees for breaking a variable are much much less than for the fixed.

  48. Canuck girl*

    Movie recommendation question. I watched “The Birdcage” last night and omg did it give me a lot of laughs, more than any comedy in the past few months. Robin Williams will always remain a favourite actor. It was so fun to rewatch it after many many years.

    So.. any comedy recommendations that may deliver the kinds of silly laughs that “The Birdcage” does?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      It’s been a minute since I saw either, but as I recall “To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar” gives me the same kind of laughs as “The Birdcage” – plus To Wong Foo has a bonus Robin Williams cameo.

    3. Mystic*

      I don’t think I’ve seen it, but one movie that made my whole family laugh was “Murder Mystery”. It has Adam Sandler in it, it’s a mix of a comedy/thriller, and it came out in 2019.

      1. Love Movie Recommendations!*

        Oh, The Birdcage! What a fun movie. I’d say A Fish Called Wanda will produce the same giggles.

    5. CatCat*

      We rewatched “Airplane!” a few months ago after not seeing it in many years. We laughed pretty hard.

    7. All the cats 4 me*

      We are re-watching all the episodes of “Third Rock from the Sun” and getting a lot of hearty laughs. It is a good daily dose of laughter, we try to limit ourselves to a couple of episodes a day.

    10. Double A*

      I love The Birdcage!

      We went into “The Hustle” with zero expectations and came out of it highly amused.

      I also remember a similar experience with “Our Idiot Brother” with Paul Rudd but I can’t remember anything about that movie other than it made me laugh a lot.

    11. Alaska_Blue*

      We randomly stumbled into seeing “Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle” and loved every minute of it. A perfect random Saturday afternoon movie.

    12. Username required*

      Scrooged – Bill Murray version
      And I’m sure I’ve recommended this before – Muppets Christmas Carol

    13. allathian*

      Not sure how well it fits, but we laughed ourselves silly the other night watching Star Wars Lego Holiday Special. Definitely for SW fans, though.

    14. Nicki Name*

      Airplane! and Airplane II: The Sequel— particularly the second, but you have to watch the first one first because some of the jokes in the second are callbacks to the first.

      Silent Movie— the first Mel Brooks movie I ever saw and still far and away my favorite.

      The Italian Job (the original 1969 version)– a silly heist movie. Warning: ends with an earworm.

  49. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

    Swag: what’s the best/worst/funniest swag you’ve gotten at a conference, trade show, vendor fair, work, health fair etc.?

    Funniest for me was one of those foam stress toys in the size/shape of a disembodied toddler foot. People were snatching multiple. I decorated mine with marker and a broken red pencil to make it more…authentically disembodied.

    1. Enough*

      My husband got a small jar with a lid (assume for candy) that I use to put change in. He also has 2 pieces of coal (sealed) for speaking at state regional civil engineering society meetings. They are pretty good paper weights.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I got one of those stress balls in the shape of a doctor. I write on it the names of doctors who do egregiously bad documentation. Then when I get egregiously bad documentation, I squash him with malice, thus squeezing them all in effigy at the same time.

    3. Helvetica*

      A jar of jam at an event with participants from all EU countries. Jam is liquid, and basically everyone had hand luggage. It astounds me to this day because the host country giving the gift is a long tradition and when my country had to host a similar event, we knew that liquids were definitely out.

    4. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Best: Crabtree and Evelyn hand lotion (until TSA made me throw it out)

      Weirdest: Hemoglobin A1c test (blood test that measures your average blood sugar as a diabetes screen)

    5. The teapots are on fire*

      Best: A small bottle of Jelly Bellies from a publisher at a library conference. The conference buses were very slow that year and at one point I was stuck on a bus at dinnertime for half an hour or more while the driver left (for a meal break? to urgently visit the facilities? We’ll never know) and I passed around my bottles of jelly beans all around the bus for a fleeting moment of instant popularity.

      I also got a stress-ball in the shape of a doctor WHO WAS ALSO A COW and who mooed and vibrated when you pulled her string.

        1. Pippa K*

          That stress ball sounds AMAZING. But possibly that’s because I skimmed by too quickly and read it as “Doctor Who as a cow” which would be hilarious. Doctor Moo!

          …I’ll show myself out

        2. The teapots are on fire*

          No, it’s cute. A person standing up with a cow head in a little white coat wearing a little stethoscope (all molded as one thing, not a stethoscpe you can play with, sadly. Cute as heck. Just happens to be made of stress ball foam.

    7. Coenobita*

      My dad’s an ob/gyn and when I was a kid, whew, was there ever some swag from those conferences. I remember two things in particular.

      The most popular with guests to our house: one of those round calendar things that you use to figure out your due date when you’re pregnant. Of course, as an already-born person, you can also turn it the other way round from your birthday and estimate your conception date.

      The most embarrassing to realize you are using in class in junior high: A ballpoint pen that when you clicked it, the barrel part of the pen rotated between a few illustrations so it looked like a fetus was appearing and disappearing inside a woman’s body.

      I also have a few pens that look like syringes. To click the ballpoint out, you push down the “plunger” and it looks like you’re “injecting” the ink. I got them when I was a subject in a clinical trial and hanging around a particular hospital lab a lot – someone from the lab had apparently got dozens of them at some event. They make me laugh every time I use them.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        When I was in high school, my brother and I figured out, he was born almost exactly 9 months after my first birthday and our sister was due (she was born early) almost exactly 9 months after HIS first birthday. We both blinked a lot and agreed silently to never discuss it again.

        I have both pens and highlighters that are the syringe style – I’ve gotten them at conferences (I’m a medical coder) and also as a souvenir from a medical museum in Richmond. :)

    8. AcademiaNut*

      Most fun – silver alien-shaped pen (the abduction alien types). From Los Alamos Labs.

      A friend wen to a conference with 3D printed asteroid models, which was pretty cool.

      Most useful – logo’d luggage scales.

    9. Lizy*

      OldOrg gave away mini work-station kits. Had a mini stapler, couple of paper clips, mini-hole punch, super-mini post it’s, mini tape… basically an office supply geek’s dream. It’s amazing. I don’t want to use any of it because I’m afraid of running out and that would make me sad so I basically just have it on my desk and admire it.

      I mean, someone has it and admires it… I totally use it. Yeah… that’s right…

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        I have two kits like that but I bought them at Wilko (sort of like a small scale Target without clothing or groceries). The tiny scissors and stapler were actually handy at work a few times.

    10. Bibliovore*

      Stinky Cheese Man Button
      Harry Potter lightning bolt tattoos
      Captain Underpants tattoos
      Make Way for Ducklings canvas tote.

    11. Deanna Troi*

      I was at a nationwide transportation conference. I got a coaster that was sliced off of a plug that was taken to test concrete.

    12. Dumpster Fire*

      Not really swag, but gifts given to employees at Old Job (which was a software company with a very geometric logo, usually in blue ad white): a bright pink and green beach towel of amazingly crappy quality, with a huge picture of a flamingo! Huh?!?

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        You never know….one person’s “Huh?!?” is another person’s “gotta have it!!!” Flamingos (flamingoes?) are one of those things that send some people into ecstasy.

    13. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Best was a solid aluminium bottle opener which is still on my keys 20 years later, though the logo has long since worn away. Second best is a full size, decent quality measuring tape. Worst was a travel mug that leaked and went into the trash at the end of the conference.

    14. Cedrus Libani*

      I once got a participation trophy. It was GLASS, and not a solid lump of it either – it was a blown glass sculpture, with super-fragile decorations. Throughout the closing dinner and the bus ride back to the hotel, we heard the sound of glass breaking, plus muffled swearing in a variety of languages. I was also going home the next morning; that was a two-day, multi-flight process. I ended up wrapping the trophy in every scrap of clothing I could spare, then put it in my luggage and hoped for the best. Which worked, somehow, and I still have it.

  50. Alone in grief*

    A few days ago was the 20th anniversary of my sister’s passing. Damn drunk driver.
    It’s always been a rough day for me. This year, no one but me remembered. Not my husband, who definitely noticed I was upset but just asked me what he had done to deserve being ignored when I wasn’t a sparking conversationalist at dinner. He usually remembers and is supportive, so it hurt more that he didn’t. Not my lifelong good friend who sat by my side at the funeral and usually reaches out. My parents are gone now, too. So it’s felt very isolating on top of all the other isolation this year.
    If someone you know is experiencing loss, new or old, reach out. You’re not going to remind them of their loss. They know. But you just might make them feel a little less alone.

    1. MissGirl*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I think losing a sibling has to be one of the most painful things. They are there for our entire lives in a way no one else is.

      Did you tell your husband? I’m not good with dates and with COVID, I find the days running together and I lose track even more so. Ignoring him doesn’t give either of you the emotional support needed.

    2. My Brain Is Exploding*

      I’m so sorry. I feel that way every Father’s Day when I miss my dad (and his birthday, etc.) but my spouse and adult kids don’t usually think about it. And…JUST NOW, while reading your post, I realized: they are not forgetting AT me. They love me! I need to use my words and tell them I miss Dad and they will comfort me.

    3. Blue Eagle*

      I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your sister. Losing someone so close to you takes a piece of your heart that cannot be reclaimed.
      Not to excuse any one of your friends or family but may I offer another perspective. I am still missing my Mom and Dad and I enjoy celebrating their birthdays by sharing a cherish memory of them. But I do NOT like any thoughts of them on the day of their passing as it makes me so, so sad. Which drives my sister nuts as she always wants to join her in doing something to celebrate the days of their deaths. Which drives me nuts as I do not want to do it on those days. And I do not want to hear from other friends/family on those days. Perhaps your friends/family are more like me and are doing for you what they would prefer?

    4. Still*

      I’m so sorry for your loss, and that you haven’t been feeling supported by those close to you. It’s been a weird year; if your husband and your friend are usually good about it, I definitely think it’s not on purpose and they’d be mortified if they realised they’d forgotten and made you feel this way. Could you gently nudge them and remind them that you need some extra love right now?

      On a related note: would you appreciate it if somebody reached out to you and said they are thinking of your sister at some other time of the year? I lost a good friend some years ago and at the time I was loosely in touch with his family. I still think of him often and sometimes I consider reaching out to them just to say that I still remember, appreciate, and miss him… But I’m never sure if it’s okay or if I should wait till the anniversary to say something. Thoughts?

      1. WellRed*

        I think it’s ok to reach out at any time. I also am of the mind that this year in general is weird. It’s hard to remember what day if the week it is for many people.

    5. allathian*

      I’m sorry for your loss.

      This year is weird for most of us. I’m not the best one with dates. What did you say to your husband when he accused you of ignoring him? Did you tell him that you’re sad because you’re mourning the loss of your sister? If he didn’t know her well enough to mourn her personally, he probably could have used a reminder.

      There’s also the fact that it has been 20 years. You’re still mourning your sister, and that is totally understandable, but since you say that your parents are gone now as well, you don’t have anyone to share that immediate grief with. You can’t expect your husband to mourn your sister as you do, although I do understand that you’re disappointed that you didn’t get the support and sympathy from him that you have received before.

      How is your lifelong friend doing now? Do you even know if she’s been experiencing some more immediate issues that might distract her from your, let’s face it, 20-year-old grief? You may mourn your sister until the day you die, but you can’t expect others to keep remembering that loss forever, especially if they have more immediate losses in their life. With the sole exception of your husband, that is. He should at least be sympathetic if you remind him of why you’re sad, but I think it’s unfair to expect him to be a mind reader, tell him you’re sad and why.

      I’m sorry if I sound callous here, that’s not my intention. The closest people I have lost are my grandparents, a few uncles and an aunt. Some of them died at an age that is younger than my current age. I don’t remember the dates of the deaths of any of them, and I certainly don’t mourn them, 5+ years after their deaths. But then, all of them died from long-term illnesses and I wasn’t particularly emotionally close to any of them, except my paternal grandmother who was so far gone with dementia when she died that I had mourned the loss of my beloved gran long before she actually died. I expect I will come to know true grief at some point in my life, when my parents die. I hope I’ll be a supportive spouse when my in-laws die. I have some health issues that mean that I fully expect to die before my husband. I haven’t dared to think how I’d react if I lost my husband, my sister, or especially my son…

      1. Batgirl*

        It’s not only the closeness of a relationship. Losing somebody to a crime puts poison in the wound. Twenty years won’t put paid to that.

    6. R342*

      I’m so sorry. What a pointless painful way to lose a loved one. I’m sorry you’ve been left alone with your grief this year. Thinking of you and your sister <3

    7. Batgirl*

      Sometimes I feel like a bad daughter, because I don’t care about death anniversaries and my mother does; she misses my father more and her grief is acute on that day. For me it could be any day. I deliberately don’t know the date and go so far as to pretend father’s day isn’t a thing because it doesn’t apply to me anymore and makes me miserable. What works for us is my mum decides how she wants to mark the day or be supported and lets me know in advance.

  51. Anon Today*

    Have gotten myself into a weird texting scenario that would never happen if it weren’t isolated covid times and I’m reaching a breaking point. Long story short, I started commenting on someone’s social media over the summer because he took up one of my favorite hobbies, nothing big just some short comments of encouragement or agreement. I met him socially years ago and we worked in related industries so we became social media “friends,” but we’re not actual friends and I don’t think I had seen him in real life in at least four years.

    This hobby can be done outdoors very safely covid-wise so after some light DMing we got together once to do so, it was nice enough but we have different approaches and philosophies related to the hobby, so I have passed on subsequent invites. But this opened the floodgates on him texting me all the time about anything and everything. We’re both unemployed at the moment, I live alone and found it innocuous to have very casual chats throughout the day and also most of our chats were strictly about 1) the shared hobby 2) helping one another navigate the unemployment insurance options in our state and 3) the state of our related industries, but at some point in November it just became “more serious.” Like sharing of major anxiety and depression issues, roommate problems, “I don’t know how I got to be this old and have accomplished nothing” type talk, and a lot of major sadness around thanksgiving that are frankly above my pay grade (if my close friends came to me with this level of anguish I would be helping them get an appointment with a mental health professional immediately).

    I feel for the guy, he’s clearly struggling with a lot and I can relate. But also it’s like he decided out of the blue I was his new confidant and I just don’t want to or have the emotional bandwidth to be this kind of friend for him. I’ve pulled back on the texting, I’ve never reciprocated on the sharing of such intimate thoughts and feelings, I’ve tried to keep things general, even straight up ignoring him when the conversation veers too, I don’t know, intense or personal or combo of the two, but despite all of these things it has not made him stop reaching out and text vomiting his problems on me.

    I know I need to be direct and stop this but I need a script and I don’t want to cause any unnecessary additional anguish. Do I do the kind lie and make it about me needing to spend less time on phone and more time on finding a job (which is very true!) or do I speak honestly that I can’t be the kind of friend he wants out of me?

    1. Not A Manager*

      If it’s very true that you need to spend less time on the phone and more time on finding a job, then it’s not a lie.

    2. ampersand*

      I recommend telling him the truth in as kind a way as possible (what you suggested is good wording, and I think brief is okay—you don’t need to defend or justify your decision). If you don’t tell him the truth, you leave the door open to more texting/conversations later, and then you have to make up more excuses.

      It will be hard for him to hear but 1. This isn’t fair to you and 2. There’s some chance he’ll realize you’re right and that will encourage him to seek out help, or maybe think twice before doing this to someone again (but also: not your problem—he’s not even a close friend!).

      It’s absolutely possible to be firm and kind at the same time, even when what you’re saying is difficult. I would caution against letting yourself get sucked into any kind of long text convo about it—say what you need to say, let him respond, and if he keeps talking (which seems highly likely based on what you’ve said here) tell him you have to go, and stop replying.

    3. Dan*

      My problem with the “kind lie” approach is it sort of keeps the door open for a little “negotiation”. That is, is “less time texting” supposed to be taken literally (meaning you can still text, but not as much) or is it supposed to be taken figuratively, as in “not at all”? The later isn’t literally true, though…

      My preference would be for your second option, “I can’t be the kind of friend he wants outs of me.” It’s direct, it’s clear, it’s not ambiguous, and really, it’s not even mean. It *is* a compassionate way to convey that message to someone. (As opposed to, “dude, you have too much baggage. Find a shrink!” That wouldn’t be nice.)

    4. Jessi*

      How about
      “Hey I am really struggling at the moment and as such I need a break from being a sounding board for your heavy emotional stuff. Its been a weird year and I’m not in a great place. I love seeing and hearing about your hobby stuffs and I hope you will keep my updated on that!”

      You may find that you need to send a text or too saying “this is above my paygrade” or “oof too much for me” a couple of times but this makes it all about you and its true, so you aren’t lying.

    5. Yennefer of Vengerberg*

      My suggestion: “I’m sorry you’re having a hard time right now. I have a lot on my plate as well, and I’m not really able to support you with these kind of things. When I/my friends have struggled like this in the past, I/they had a lot of success talking to a therapist. I hope you can try the same.”

      Every time he brings something like this up again after that, you can respond with, “I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I think this is something you could talk to a therapist about.”

      That’s assuming you want to continue the less intense version of your relationship.

    6. Anon Today*

      Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I agree with ampersand and Dan on taking care to not leave the door open for further conversation, I had not thought of that but I most definitely don’t want it to sound temporary or situational.

      The fact that this is all texting is, strangely, the part that I find more challenging. I know I’m in the minority but I much prefer to have hard conversations if not in person then at least on the phone. I worry about a message being read the wrong way/not being able to soften a blow with smiles and a warm tone, but this is all tapping into my own hang ups that I need to get over and address head on so maybe this is also an opportunity for growth for me.

      It’s good to set boundaries! And this is a relatively easy way to practice that. Thank you again to everyone, a little AAM rational pep talk is the help I needed today.

      1. Batgirl*

        Do whatever is best for you. If you’d rather call him up, do that. It’s not cool that he’s made you his free emotional-labour person, and while it’s worth doing kindly, discharge that expectation in the way that is least labour intensive for you: “I’m calling you up because I can’t be this kind of friend to you and these texts are the kind of thing you should be discussing with someone who is better able to help”.

    7. Thankful for AAM*

      I think you already wrote your script. Something like, we have not been friends very long but “if my close friends came to me with this level of anguish I would be helping them get an appointment with a mental health professional immediately.”

      I’d add or sub long term close friends into that statement. And maybe expand on “level of anguish” to give an example or general sense. And then say you would be happy to do that with him. Then tell him every time this is more than you can manage.

  52. FourAM*

    Looking for positive stories and advice for how to help a romantic relationship come back from being on a break.

    The details don’t matter, but trust that a break was necessary. We are both safe, and open to the idea of working on things. We both have our own places, so no one is disadvantaged in terms of housing by the break. Significant other and I will have had no contact at all for a full month by the time we meet to reconnect post break and discuss how/if we will move forward.

    Looking for positive stories and advice for how you came back from a break or how to restart in a good way.

    1. Laundry Days*

      My quick thought is you should both be prepared to discuss what is different than a month ago — what changes you’ve made; new understandings about yourself, them, you together, the situation; if you’ve seen a therapist, what you are working on with the therapist (and if you’re both still interested in a future together, would you both be willing to go to couples therapy?). Otherwise, I’m not sure what difference a month of no-contact could make for you. Make sure you aren’t wanting to be with that person simply because that month scared you/was difficult and it’s easier to go back to them.

      1. Yennefer of Vengerberg*

        I don’t have anything to add, but I wanted to say this is such good advice! I think Laundry Days nailed it.

    2. Advice*

      My only piece of advice is to ask yourself “what are you and your SO hoping to accomplish by this break?”

    3. allathian*

      Good luck.

      Ask yourself, why do you want to work on this relationship? What has changed during that month for you? What do you need to have changed with your SO for you to even consider getting back together?

      For what it’s worth, I think that one month is far too short a time to make a difference. If you get back together after a month’s break without working on your issues, I fully expect that you’ll be back where you started within six months. That’s what happened to me in my first serious relationship, although our break was only a couple of weeks until I went back to him. We never worked out our issues and before long we were back where we were at the first breakup, but this time I was smarter and decided that I didn’t want an on-off relationship and left him for good. Admittedly this is only my personal experience. The irony is that I was finally convinced to break up with my then-bf when we visited his parents, who were considering getting married again after being divorced for 5 years. But they had a long history and 3 (adult) kids and were really committed to making the relationship work. They were also more in love than I had ever been with my then-bf or he with me, and that’s what finally convinced me that our relationship didn’t have a future.

      Getting back together may work, but only if you’re really honest with yourselves and each other about the issues that led to the breakup in the first place. If relationship counseling is an option for you, I’d definitely recommend it, because it would help you clarify what both of you really want. It takes two to keep a relationship going, but only one to break up.

  53. nep*

    Snail mail story…
    I am constantly praising our postal workers here, and telling them how much I appreciate them–especially during COVID. (I’m there just about every day to mail out Poshmark packages.)
    It just occurred to me last night that among a few cards I had dropped in the box earlier in the day, one of them had my return address and the first name of the recipient–that’s it. The first name. I had forgotten I was going to look in an address book to complete the recipient’s address. So yeah. I can hear my heroes at the post office saying, ‘Hey, we’re good, but we’re not that good.’

    2. Buni*

      I once managed to post a birthday card with an incomplete addresss AND no stamp. I realised the second it left my hand so went back to the post-box later that afternoon and hung out for half an hour to catch the postie.

      He was a bit reluctant – technically once it’s through the slot it’s the property of Royal Mail, no take-backsies – but luckily it was a bright pink envelope and easily spotted. I don’t think he’d have let me take it away but he was happy to wait an extra 30 seconds while I filled it out and stuck a stamp on, apologising profusely all the time…

  54. Arts Akimbo*

    I know it’s Book recommendation for the week. I KNOW this. But in my skimming the page I thought it said Rock recommendation for the week.

    Someone please recommend me a rock! What’s your favorite rock or mineral? I will put in a plug for fossilized Crinoid stem segments! They’re cool, commonly findable in the pea gravel where I live, and sometimes the middle section is hollowed out and you can use them as beads!

    1. opal!*

      Opals. If I remember correctly the colours are due to a crystal structure of water forming in… the rest(silica?). The bigger the water, the more red it goes.

    2. Llama face!*

      Can I make it more specific and say my favourite rock I own? Technically it is multiple things since it’s a piece of mica schist with a pea sized red garnet stuck in it. The garnet is just sandpaper grade but it is a very lovely deep merlot red. I’ve had it since childhood when I found it in the hills near my house.

      1. Generic Name*

        This is my favorite rock that I own too!!! One year for Christmas my dad got me that rock, as well and a cool shiny green beetle that he made a small frame for, so that year my favorite presents were a bug and a rock. :)

    3. A313*

      Ammonoids. I recently got one, and it’s lovely! The idea that they are so very, very old kind blows my mind.

    4. Blue Eagle*

      Jasper metaconglomerate (a/k/a puddingstone). Which I got on a community college geology trip to Ontario, Canada. It is flat and polished and I used to have it on my desk at work as a place to put my coffee cup.

    5. Buni*

      I’m fond of a really rough limestone, where you can practically see each little individual shell. Also like a smooth black basalt pebble.

      I’ll take this opportunity to recommend to everyone ‘The Pebbles on the Beach: A Spotter’s Guide’ by Clarence Ellis – published originally in the 50s, reissued recently and just a quiet joy. It’s like David Attenborough gently narrating a beach.

    6. Anono-me*

      I love agates. Not that I would complain if you gave me a big ruby or emerald. I want to go to the national park that is a diamond mine someday.

      1. Coenobita*

        Do you mean Crater of Diamonds state park, in Arkansas? I’ve been there and found it underwhelming – it’s basically just a big field full of dirt. You can have a good time digging around in there, but my recommendation is to bring an umbrella because it can be brutally hot and there’s no shade.

        However, I wholeheartedly recommend the Penn Dixie site near Buffalo, where everywhere you look there are amazing Devonian fossils (trilobites, crinoids, gastropods, etc.). If you pay about $10, you can take home as many rocks and fossils as you can carry. I have SO MANY gorgeous trilobite specimens from there. And the volunteers are just fabulous.

        1. Anono-me*

          Yes. It always sounded so cool in the news/travel articles.

          Thank you for the alternative. That sounds fun.

          I have gone to agate beaches in the boundary waters area. They are fabulous.

    7. WellRed*

      I have a scarab bracelet that belonged to my grandmother: onyx, bloodstone, jade, carnelian, tiger eye and chalcedony. But really, I love all stones, precious or not.

      1. allathian*

        Tiger eye is really cool.
        I also like amber, especially if it has fossilized insects in it, although maybe that doesn’t count as a mineral…

    10. Coenobita*

      I was a geology major in undergrad and, while I wasn’t a huge mineralogy person (too much geometry, not enough field work), I loved how it was basically a semester-long exercise in picking your favorite mineral.

      My favorite is probably chert because I’m basic, or maybe the potassium feldspars (microcline is straight-up plaid under crossed polars in thin section, which is just wild to me), but I also have a soft spot for the aluminosilicates (especially andalusite) and my favorite hand sample is a fist-sized chunk of actinolite that I got from the slag pile of an old talc mine. Green and spiky and gorgeous!

      Also, one time when we were studying for a mineral ID exam, I convinced my friend that people call sodalite “popalite” in the midwest. He believed me for a solid minute at least :)

      1. Coenobita*

        Also I feel I need to clarify that I know chert isn’t really a mineral, but close enough!

        For the fellow rockhounds on this thread, you might enjoy Audre Lorde’s poem “Parting,” which begins: “I talk to rocks / sometimes they answer / double-voiced / as a woman in love / taking leave / in roars of jade.”

      2. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        Is chert basic? I’m quite fond of it because many prehistoric people used it, among materials, to make stone tools.

    12. *daha**

      I moved to Michigan nearly ten years ago, so it is non-optional that my favorite is the Petoskey Stone. It’s fossilized coral that’s been glacier-processed.

    13. Nicki Name*

      Hard to pick just one, but one of my favorites is obsidian. There’s an obsidian flow you can visit in my state, and it is just so cool to see.

    14. Nessun*

      Prehnite tower with a polished side and a raw side – supposed to heal the healer, which is the support I need right now to fill my own bucket. And an agate eye – so gorgeous and fits in my hand so well, I love to hold it!

  55. Lifelong student*

    Yarn- crochet, knit, whatever thread!
    What’s on your hook, needles, loom this week?

    The project I put in time out last weekend stayed there all week- until I realized I didn’t like it at all. So I am frogging it and starting a new project. Instead of frogging and rerolling, I am working off the old project- one less task to completion!

    1. Wishing You Well*

      I’m knitting little leaves. (Yeah, I know, weird.) My smallest leaf so far is a maple leaf 3/4″ long. These little things don’t take much time to complete and can be used in a variety of ways.

      1. OyHiOh*

        Do you have a link to a pattern, or book?

        This is the sort of thing I wanted to do awhile back and ended up working out in rolled paper because I couldn’t find knitted patterns I liked!!

    2. HannahS*

      Very simple garter-stitch slippers. It’s a free pattern on Ravelry–basically a tapered square that you form into a slipper. I’m using it as an opportunity to practice continental-style knitting. I feel like continental is easier for colour-work, which I’d love to learn.

    3. Can't Sit Still*

      I’m finishing up my sampler scarf from my techniques class last week. I’m almost done with the plain weave sections, and then it’s back to the pick up stick sections. It’s looking better as I go along, but my selvages need more work. I’ve noticed that I’m consistently doing a warp float in the same place, so I need to be more careful with my shuttle.

      I’m considering upgrading to a boat shuttle, but then I would need to wind bobbins, so I’d need a bobbin winder…I’m thinking my next shuttle will actually be a wave stick, so I can get fun textures out of plain weave. I am so happy to be crafting again! I really can’t knit much anymore and it just makes me sad to see UFOs sitting around, knowing they will take months or years to finish, if they are ever finished.

    4. curly sue*

      I’m noodling along with a patchwork-style knitted blanket to get rid of a bunch of my odds and ends. It’s got cabled stripes in one colour, then blocks in other colours, and I’m mostly trying to use up some grey wools of varying shades that my MIL gave me, and some greens, pinks and blues left over from other projects. It might end up hideous, but it’s going in the basement playroom anyway so only people who already love us will see it. *g*

    6. Lizabeth*

      Just watched the Storyteller episode of Craft in America on PBS. They had someone who crocheted these fabulous coats!

    7. Glass Piano*

      I need to power through the end of a second sleeve today so I can block a gift sweater and do some finishing on it before Friday. Fortunately I live in the same house as the recipient so I don’t need to worry about shipping!

    8. udon the day away*

      I’ve just finished an assortment of mittens and fingerless gloves for friends and family. I can do killer thumbs now!

    9. Emma2*

      I am knitting a jumper that may be cursed – knitting is the wrong word as I am about to rip out the first few rows for about the fourth time. This time, I managed to twist the stitches when I joined in the round. Last time – the pattern has short rows to raise the back neckline – somehow I did not notice that I was turning in the middle of the sleeve rather than the front chest on one side, through several rows, and had to rip it. So frustrating. Hopefully next time I manage to avoid any stupidity… Of course I am knitting with mohair held with wool so really not a fibre that appreciates being ripped and re-knit.

    10. Thankful for AAM*

      Finishing up the cosmic cal blanket (pattern online). I’m doing a baby blanket cal starting Dec 27 and a mystery cal from fibers and fiction starting Jan 7. I am also playing with making hanging pod baskets that work up really quickly.

  56. CatCat*

    Did anyone watch the most recent episode of The Mandalorian?

    My family and I about lost our minds!!

    (SPOILERS in comment replies.)

    1. CatCat*

      It was such an exciting episode! The ending, whoa!

      I think it’s well set up to move to another storyline. What’s going to happen with Bo-Katan? There is no way Moff Gideon goes down so easily, so now what? What will we do about the dark saber issue? Will we ever know why storm troopers cannot shoot to literally save their lives? Where’s that creepy clone doctor? And it looks like Boba Fett is now a king?

      But I am going to miss baby Yoda HARD. Like damn… I loved that little guy.

      1. Tortally HareBrained*

        Yes yes yes to your last point! I kept telling my husband it was a story well told, and better to end too soon than too late. But damn he was absolutely the best part.

        1. Loopy*

          “better to end too soon than too late” – my husband had to tell me the very same thing. I grudgingly agreed because I’ve griped when storylines have dragged out and gotten ruined that way!

      2. curly sue*

        That was Jabba’s old palace at the end, and Bib Fortuna who got shot, so I assume Fett’s taking over the Hutt smuggling empire. It’ll be interesting to see how it plays out!

      3. I'm A Little Teapot*

        Possible: Gideon goes after Mando for the sword back, then Bo-Katan goes after Gideon and gets the sword for good. And I think Mando is going to help Bo-Katan take back Mandalore, and hopefully be a little less fanatical about the helmet thing. He could use a shower. I don’t think he’ll be great about the helmet thing, but maybe with trusted friends? There’s also Thrawn that Asoka is looking for, and she’ll have her own show too I think. And Fett is gonna have his own show! Next December is going to be busy.

        Clone doctor, hm. New Republic gets him? Cara might turn him in, or Mando for the reward. He is a bounty hunter after all.

      4. Sam I Am*

        We all had to let him go, it was all done so well. We were all taking our masks off so he could touch our face.
        And then we all saw, as Lucas knew from the start of A New Hope- that kids like droids, and he toddled away from us, to his shiny new path with his shiny new friends.
        And we had to let him go.

        I loved it.

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I scared the cats! OMG!!! Then I googled when it was set because I was very confused. Turns out, I was wrong about when it was set, by about 30 years. lol

    3. allathian*

      Loved it, great ending and coda. Watch it again if you stopped watching when the credits started rolling.

  57. Anon On Fire*

    Does anyone have any advice for dealing with burnout in the short-term? I have a pressing deadline in about a week: I am totally burned out now, but still need to power through to the end and get this project done. I’m really struggling to marshall my energies, my focus, and my motivation for just a few more days … !! (I know I need to deal with my burnout in the long-term, too, but I first need to survive the immediate deadline.)
    Thanks! I hope this doesn’t seem too work-related for the weekend thread.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      This weekend was all about getting dug out. I don’t have too much left in terms of energy or even desire to do anything. But I have done a few small things that gave me a feeling of success. I had to see a person and ask a question. I got a positive response. That perked me up for at least a few hours. Today I called another person to check in and I had a couple questions (different subject) for this person. We chatted for over an hour and a half. It was great, a real boost.

      I put my energy into pushing through the snow removal. Anything I accomplish after that is bonus. I try to pick things that probably will go well and can be done in a very short time. This helps to re-energize me.

    2. Bob_NZ*

      I like to make sure the easiest/laziest option is the healthiest. I figure if my body is already under pressure the best thing I can do is keep nourished and hydrated.

      For example:
      – Spending an hour in the kitchen on Sunday, ending up with a big pot of veggie bean chilli, a big pot of veggie soup and a week’s worth of overnight oats. The all goes in individual portions and placed in the fridge or freezer. My meals for the working week are sorted. (Boring and repetitive, I’ll grant you, but also healthy and one less thing I need to think about.)
      – Filling the fruit bowl and placing it near my desk.
      – Filling a 1-2 litre bottle of water at the start of each day and placing it by my desk.
      – Keeping a bottle of one-a-day multi vitamins on my desk.
      – Other healthy snacks on hand (e.g. a ziplock bag of nuts and dried fruit)
      – Getting off the bus one stop early. I figure even a 5 minute walk is better than no exercise or fresh air each day.

      Good luck with the project!

    3. VirtualLight*

      When I just can’t focus setting a timer helps, especially if there is a nice thing to do at the end – “If I can focus on starting this for 15 minutes (or 10, or 3) then I can have a nice cup of coffee at the end.”

      Making my goals in terms of time worked instead of accomplishment made also helps me to take some of the pressure off. Like, I feel the Awful Task will never be finished BUT I can spend some time working on it, but I can cross out one of the “15 min” boxes I put next to that list item.

      Forcing yourself to get out in the fresh air for just a little while also really helps, and somehow makes my resistance to everything else a little less potent. Take care of your body first. Good luck and let us know how it goes!

    4. Roci*

      I’ve been throwing everything at the wall and seeing what sticks.
      – making a home-cooked meal can sometimes be energizing, or some days intentionally deciding on take out can be a relief.
      – going to bed earlier to wake up well-rested, or some days, intentionally staying up so I have a bit more time in the evenings, even if I’m tired the next day.
      – switching up music playlists, or going back to nostalgic music or listening to nothing at all.
      – trying shorter pomodoros of 20 min or less, or trying longer less structured working sessions to really get in the zone.

      When all else fails, I turn my music up really loud and remind myself it will be over soon.
      The important thing is to be forgiving and patient with yourself, and remember that you’re not “failing” by doing things one way or the other, or by changing strategies frequently. You’re being flexible and dealing with an incredibly stressful situation! You’ve got this!

  58. Anonforthis*

    Girls/women on here who thought they had autism before actually getting diagnosed – what clued you in?

    I’ve been reading about autism in women for about 2 years now, and am super ambivalent about whether I might be on the spectrum. I recently got diagnosed with ADHD, which could explain some stuff. Basically, some of the symptoms apply to me and others don’t – I don’t know how important that is. I’m not sure how motivated I am currently to pursue a diagnosis, but I wanted to hear others’ insights.

    Some of the descriptors that apply to me are having trouble with socialization and code switching, and learning most of it from mimicking others (this has improved a lot as I’ve grown up, but some social situations are still difficult. It’s possible I just have social anxiety.) I am also extremely sensitive to my environment and clothing textures, and adhere strongly to routine. I also sometimes have trouble reading people and subtext, but not all the time.

    Some things that probably would preclude me from being on the spectrum, based on my limited research, is I don’t have issues with understanding language (like reading or listening to conversations) or interpreting expressions. Also, based on a couple of different sources I read, apparently autistic people typically don’t like or read fiction??? This doesn’t apply to me – I read a lot of fiction.

    Sorry if I sound super uneducated or ignorant, but I’ve done my best to research this topic and reading sources from people educated in psychiatry, but my understanding will still fall very short. I don’t want to imply these characteristics apply to all autistic people. Part of my ambivalence is I don’t want to take on an identity I don’t really have.

    1. Enough*

      One aspect is that with ADHD you tend to miss the innate learning that socialization is build on. The clothing and rigid routine seem more on the spectrum but can be the result of other issues. The routines could even be a coping mechanism from the ADHD. And some people are more aware of textures. My brother had to have new clothes before he could wear them and my daughter has issues with food textures. Neither is autistic though brother may have been ADHD (not a big thing in the 60s). I would probably work with the ADHD for awhile and see if that changes things.

    2. Venus*

      The label helps get resources, so if that doesn’t make a difference then there’s no point in getting a test. If you don’t know either way then try looking at recommendations for people with autism, and see if that helps you. I have friends with mental health diagnoses but the treatments didn’t necessarily work for them, yet other treatments did. In their case the original diagnosis wasn’t critical, other than in their case it allowed them to have a starting point with their health care provider, and it was finding workable solutions that made every difference. So hopefully that concept helps – there is enough uncertainty these days with mental health diagnoses that I don’t think there’s often an easy answer to whether someone has something or not, but if something isn’t working for you then look at suggestions for what might help.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’m in your boat. I tend to have results with a very strong indication toward ASD and ADHD both, on informal testing, but haven’t generally been inclined to pursue an actual diagnosis, because in general my quirks (many of which are common to one or both conditions) don’t interfere with my day-to-day life to a degree that bothers me enough to make it worthwhile. Basically, I’ve figured out my own way to deal with them, for the most part, though a huge amount of that “dealing with them” is that I don’t interact with people much. But I don’t feel any particular need to interact with people much, so that works for me. I’ve had a couple of doctors ask if I wanted to pursue a diagnosis, and I really just … don’t have any interest in formally doing so. So I don’t refer to myself as autistic or a person with ADHD, because I don’t have a formal diagnosis, but I do (when a situation warrants, which is rare) identify as neuro-atypical, because even if I don’t have either of the two conditions, there is definitely something going on in my brain that is significantly outside the norm.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I think for me part of it is that I’ve known way too many people who first self-diagnosed, then used their self-diagnosis as an excuse for all manners of shitty behavior, and got other people to treat them differently based on their self diagnosis. And in my experience, people aren’t great at distinguishing between self-diagnosis and formal diagnosis. So I just … avoid it altogether, because formal diagnosis doesn’t provide anything useful for me personally. (There are other people for whom the formal diagnosis makes a lot of difference; I don’t mean to say that it’s not useful for ANYBODY. I literally mean, not useful for ME.)

        1. Anonforthis*

          Yeah no this is definitely not my intention. The annoying thing is I’ve noticed the flip side of this as well – a lot of people think it’s okay to armchair diagnose others as autistic when they act like jerks. It’s annoying and contributes to negative stereotyping – not all people with autism are jerks! Gah. But that’s also partly why I don’t want to label myself – it could contribute to mischaracterizing of people with autism.

    4. Elf*

      I am undiagnosed, but am pretty firmly convinced that I am autistic (and when I mentioned it to my therapist she was like “yes, obviously, and?”). I will probably never actually get a diagnosis, it’s expensive and complicated and is unlikely to make a practical difference in my life. The big difference for me is being able to be kinder to myself and better able to predict what will be difficult, and to ask for things that I need.

      The biggest piece for me is that I can actually be reasonably competent at things like code-switching and understanding people’s moods, etc, but in order to do it I have to pay conscious attention 100% of the time. I had understood this about myself (and even that it made me different from other people) long before I read about the manifestation of autism in women, but once I did start reading about it and realized that that was masking it was a huge revelation.

      After that I started to notice many many smaller things which I wouldn’t have put together (tactile sensitivity, cannot stand lotions or sunscreen or play-doh, texture issues with food, as a kid I absolutely Could Not eat any foods that were touching each other or had sauces, clothing textures, very loud voice that I *can* modulate but only if I’m paying active attention, so I get loud as soon as I’m really interested in a conversation, respond super literally to sarcasm, etc because I *do* understand it but it takes me a second too long, among other things)

      As for the fiction thing, I love reading fiction/fantasy/scifi as does every other autistic person I know (which is quite a few, mostly diagnosed). That’s definitely not a reason to rule it out.

      Hope this helps, and I wish you the best of luck. I know that for me it was only once I had realized it was true that i started to unravel what the coping mechanisms were that let me pass, even to myself.

    5. Arya Parya*

      As a woman who has fairly recently (1,5 years ago) been diagnosed with ASD, I might have some insight.

      I always suspected I was at least near the spectrum. My brother was diagnosed with ASD at age 9 and I saw a lot of myself in him. But he just had it worse. I knew I wasn’t great socially, but I always found my way. I challenged myself, got better. So I never had a reason to get a diagnosis.

      This changed 2,5 years ago when I became a mom. I struggled a lot, still do, and needed help. That’s why I was finally diagnosed. Now there are some resources available. I also cut myself more slack. Some things just are harder for me.

      As for the not fitting the criteria, that’s fairly common in women with ASD. I love reading fiction, always have. It helps me understand people better. I would suggest looking up Sarah Hendrickx on YouTube. I recognized myself in her story.

    6. OyHiOh*

      Psychology Today has a couple of ASD self assessments designed for women. They’re meant to give you an idea of if you should pursue further testing.

      I score insanely high on the social assessment. This doesn’t surprise me. Most of my social skills, I’ve learned through mimicry, and I think of clothes and behaviors as “the observer will think I am X kind of person because I am wearing/doing A and B.” On the plus side, I’m a skilled musician and actor precisely because when I put on X, I become the kind of person my character is.

      I barely register on the emotional assessment. For whatever reason (masking, mimicry, therapy? I’ve done a fair amount of CBT), I basically don’t have any emotional symptoms of ASD, just residual anxiety, plus lingering daddy issues that I attack in a round of CBT every couple years, but keep reappearing in different forms.

      Iv’e got a few sensory characteristics, but not enough to really make a diagnosis.

      For me, the most inhibiting part of my mental health is my anxiety. When I’m dealing with that well, everything else is kinda in the background, part of who I am, but not in a life-interferring way. When my anxiety is out of control, all of my social and sensory issues come out to play in ways I can neither predict or cope with.

    7. WS*

      That not liking fiction is definitely not true for autistic women – I write fanfic and there are a ton of autistic women in that community, which involves a lot of reading and writing, and I’ve seen academic work confirming that.

    8. Princess Deviant*

      Autistic here and I read a metric fuckton of fiction! I don’t find the AQ10 or whatever it’s called very helpful for women (I’m one).

      What helped me was taking to a (female) friend who had been diagnosed as an adult. We had a hell of a lot in common.
      I also sought resources specific to ASD in women like Sarah Hendrickx’s ASD in Women and Girls. (In fact I asked here on the weekend thread and got loads of advice!)

      Videos by Tony Attwood are great too, although he does call it Aspergers.

      I did believe that I was ASD so I ended up getting an assessment and having it confirmed.
      Even if you were to get assessed and were not dx as ASD, would that help clarify some things for you?
      Interestingly in my ASD assx I was told I should probably get an ADHD assx also. I actually think a lot of the traits I have can be explained by ASD, and I’ve chosen to not follow an ADHD assx in addition. That might change as I get older, but for now I’m happy with the status quo.

    9. KoiFeeder*

      I was diagnosed pretty early as autistic, but let me tell you that I devour fiction like nobody’s business. I have never heard before that autistic people don’t like or read fiction.

      I don’t like fiction that’s basically “here are two people performing an uncomfortably banal and realistic emotional drama that could also be happening in your neighbor’s house right now,” but that’s way different from not liking any fiction ever.

    10. RagingADHD*

      Sensitivity to clothing texture or discomfort is actually pretty common in women with ADHD, because it pulls our attention.

      When we can’t tune out a sensory input it’s very distracting.

      In the same way, it can be difficult to filter background noise or visual stimuli, which then becomes overwhelming. I think it may be a different mechanism in the brain, and is more likely to just be exhausting than to cause a meltdown, but it’s a pretty common thing.

    11. Weegie*

      You could be describing me! What made me start thinking I might be autistic was reading accounts of women who were diagnosed in mid-life and seeing similarities in experience. Also meeting a new colleague (male) who was convinced he was autistic and having discussions with him around the topic and differences between male and female presentation.
      I’ve been considering pursuing a diagnosis for some years but haven’t done so. It’s extremely difficult in my area, as there are no adult autism services at all, so I’d have to be referred elsewhere or pay privately. The latter is almost pointless, other than for peace of mind, as private diagnoses are often not recognised by workplaces and l agencies who supply autism services. Plus, I don’t really need services right now, so I’m not sure it’s worth it (although I do wonder about my older years: I simply could not tolerate living in a care home, and a diagnosis might see me spared that eventuality).
      I’m finding that current circumstances have made me care less about whether or not I’m autistic: now that everyone else is being forced to live the way I prefer (*never* having to go to the office! Limited social contact!), I feel a lot less excluded from society and consequently much happier. Whether this sense of wellbeing will continue once things go back to ‘normal’ is a question.
      I not only *read* fiction, I have a PhD in it! Women present differently than men in all kinds of ways, and that can be one of them. I also believe reading fiction is one way in which I have been able to understand and navigate the neurotypical world.

    12. Nicki Name*

      Allistic with several autistic relatives here. You’re right the characteristics of autism can vary a lot from person to person, so don’t rule yourself out just because you don’t check every single box. If you’re thinking about it this much, I’d recommend getting tested and finding out for sure.

      Also, I have no idea where “autistic people don’t like fiction” came from, both my parents are on the spectrum and read a ton of it!

    13. Mimmy*

      I’m not diagnosed but I’m pretty sure I have ASD traits, such as sensory sensitivities including being unable to filter out extraneous noises and some difficulty with reading nonverbal cues. For me, though, I think it’s because of the condition I was born with (I don’t want to say the name of it because it’s rare and may identify me). I’ve thought about getting a formal diagnosis to get access to services or resources, but having a “label” could bite me. I definitely identify as being neurodiverse though.

      I’ve never heard of people with autism not liking fiction. I loved reading fiction when I was younger but not nearly as much nowadays.

    14. Anonforthis*

      Thank you all for your insights!

      Yeah the fiction thing is a result my informal online research so it’s possible I’m misinterpreting something. Basically there are screener criteria I saw in two different sites that listed not understanding fiction as one of them, but it seemed oddly specific.

  59. oranges & lemons*

    Am I the only one who categorizes “healthy” and “unhealthy” food mostly based on what I like? I like most vegetables, legumes, nuts and seeds, but don’t tend to think of them as particularly healthy even though logically I know that they are. But I can’t stand leafy greens, and so for me, a kale salad or wilted pile of spinach is the apex of healthy eating.

    Am I alone in this? Are there any healthy things you like so much that you forget they are healthy? And where do you draw the line?

    1. Red Sunglasses*

      I don’t categorize food as healthy or unhealthy for 2 reasons. So much of it is about balance and portions and even if something is ‘healthy’, you rarely eat ingredients on their own. If you’re eating Kale, you’re usually covering it in a dressing or added toppings that can range from vegetables to cheese and ranch dressing. Even unhealthy dishes contain healthy ingredients. Nuts are healthy but also very high in fat. Tom Brady has a whole list of vegetables he won’t eat.

      I try to go on the ‘make good choices’ route. If I had a lot of carbs for breakfast, I try to eat meat and veggies for lunch.

    2. Reba*

      I mean, there is definitely a big cultural ethos about “good” and “bad” foods, like self-disciplined greens and “sinful” chocolate, not to mention the overall suffering-is-virtuous thing. So I know just what you mean. But whatever to all that!

      I will also take this opportunity to tell that my close friend’s mom tricked them into eating broccoli and such as their treat or desert, like “you can have your broccoli AFTER you have finished all the chicken.” She was a great cook, which probably helped, but that is bold parenting.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I am not sure what you are aiming for here but a whole food is a whole food.

      It is possible for some whole foods not to agree with our systems. My body gets mad at me if I have nuts or milk. My body does not do well with it.

      So of the healthy foods group, I have “healthy foods that agree with my body” and “healthy foods that cause my body discomfort.”

      I think it’s normal to have tastes or preferences on anything. Under the two healthy food groups I have things that I like and I dislike. Yeah, I like some of the healthy foods that don’t agree with my body. So I keep an eye as to how much I eat of those things. And this is because my goal is to reduce discomfort in my body. That is where I draw my line with how a food settles inside me.

    4. Anonforthis*

      Sort of. It took me awhile to realize that when I cook food, my meals are actually on the healthy side. But I didn’t realize that because I associated “healthy” food as those bland items you see in a lot of “LA healthy” type restaurants, like kale and farro, salads, quinoa, whole grain bread – none of which I eat. I grew up SE Asian and make a lot of of veggie and meat curries that – as long as you cook using reasonable amounts of fat/oil, are actually pretty healthy.

    5. Double A*

      I know what you mean. It’s hard for me to ever feel like I eat “healthily” even though I think objectively I do okay. I once heard a better way to think about food is nutritious (i.e full of nutrients) vs not nutritious, and I do try to think that. But I still feel like there’s some kind of mythical ideal healthy diet out there.

    6. Roci*

      I think this is more about what we culturally consider “healthy”. There is a strong association in white American culture that “healthy” food is mostly green in color, has bland or mild flavor profile that leans towards bitter or dry, includes lots of leafy vegetables like spinach/lettuce, and isn’t very tasty. “Unhealthy” food is red or yellow or colorful, has strong flavors like savory umami or sweetness or spiciness or thick/creaminess, includes root vegetables and fats and meats and sugar in various forms, and tastes delicious. You can see this in advertising and influencing where some foods are described as “good/whole/smart/natural/healthy/clean” and some are “indulgent/rich/sinful/delicious/juicy”.

      It’s such a false dichotomy and as another commenter pointed out, there are lots of foods from other cuisine cultures that have strong flavors and also a lot of vegetables, for example! And while sure leafy greens have nutrients, spinach is hardly the Popeye superfood it’s marketed as. And none of these food choices are in isolation: kale doesn’t cancel out all the dressing you put on it to make it palatable, and you can be in great shape and eat cake and burgers if you exercise and have a balanced diet.

      Many people unconsciously associate “delicious=bad for you” and “not delicious=good for you”. I think it’s really important to decouple that and experiment with delicious food that has lots of nutrients and less refined sugars and trans fats and artificial preservatives and so on.

  60. Marie*

    Is there a way to get people to tell you what they want? My mom is famous for not saying what she wants, so you sort of have to guess. For example, she needed help with something on the computer and seemed apprehensive, so I asked her if she wanted me to do it and she seemed relieved. I know that this is just how she is, but I wish she would just tell me/be more direct. (My dad used to say, “Spit it out!” to her in a funny way, but this wouldn’t work if I was in a more formal setting.)

    2. PollyQ*

      Have you directly asked her to be more direct? (Kidding!) (sort of)

      I see three options: 1) Acknowledge to yourself that this is how she is, and just live with it. 2) Ask her to be more direct. 3) Ruthlessly ignore any secret/implicit requests and only respond to direct communication.

      I wouldn’t actually recommend #3 here, because it doesn’t seem like she’s doing it an unkind, manipulative way, but it’s a Captain Awkward™-approved tactic for people who are playing a passive-aggressive “gotcha” kind of game.

      Honestly, I think it’s unlikely you’ll be able to change her much. So, you can give #2 a try, but be prepared to live with #1.

      1. Yennefer of Vengerberg*

        Agreed. Try to understand why your mom does this. It may help you find patience.

        Maybe she struggles to ask for help because she doesn’t want to feel like a burden. Maybe growing up she was made to feel like she had to figure out everything on her own.

        You could ask her directly if she’s the kind to have good self awareness and is open to these kind of discussions. Alternatively, I’ve had good luck writing out my parents’ story to get to the root of their -isms.

    3. Washi*

      This is a pet peeve of mine! There is a very contrary part of me that wants to just completely ignore people when they are hinting around at a favor that I would be totally willing to do if asked. (And the cousin of this behavior also drives me up the wall – when someone is reading/watching something and exclaims loudly “that’s so funny” and looks over at me waiting for me to ask what was so funny.) Depending on the context, I’ll say something like “let me know if you need X” and then move the conversation on, so that they know I’m willing to do the thing, but still have to say it.

      When I type this out it sounds really mean, like if a coworker hinted they needed a tampon I would just ignore them. This really only annoys me in the context of a close friend/relative asking for a non-sensitive favor where it doesn’t seem like so much mind-reading/reassurance should be necessary.

  61. Anona*

    Is anyone else parenting a small child with a chronically ill partner?

    Are you sticking to one kid, or have/thinking of having a second?

    My partner is able to work an office job, but the physical work in taking care of a small child (bending, lifting, waking up early after being up all night in pain) is not something they can do.

    I think I want a second kid, and if we’re going to try for it, it’s time, but I’m worried about the amount of work, when a lot of the physical labor will be on me, at least for the next few years.

    1. Enough*

      Never been in this situation but a lot would depend on the age of the older child. For me at a minimum they would have to be potty trained and be at least minimally helpful. Dress themselves, pick up after themselves. I had 3 children with large gaps (4 yrs and then 6 yrs). It was much easier having the older 2 in school when the youngest was born even with # 2 only half days.

    2. Natalie*

      Sort of? My husband hasn’t been diagnosed with anything yet but he’s been pursuing answers to some specific issues for a while. It’s becoming more and more likely that it’s some kind of chronic condition that will have to be managed rather than just fixed. But his restrictions and challenges sound quite different than your partner’s.

      Would something like an au pair be an option for you? A good friend of mine had one for a few years because her work schedule isn’t office standard and it was a very positive experience all around. They went through a service that arranged visa, health insurance, etc. You pay a wage, but you’re also providing room and board so the cash outlay is lower. It cost about the same as daycare for one kid, and they had help for the whole day.

      1. Jessi*

        Just as an fyi they aren’t currently issuing J1/ au pair visas at the moment.

        All au pairs must come through an agency (there were about 8 of them that were state department approved though I’m not sure how many of them will survive covid). The agency fee is around $8K a year and the stipend paid to the au pair is around 200usd per week, so you are looking at around 20K

    3. Lizy*

      We have 4 and my husband is permanently disabled. He actually stays home with the almost 3YO and baby, but my MIL helps a lot.

      It can be done. Just depends on the individual and the circumstances.

    4. Double A*

      Kind of, though with my husband it’s a mental health issue. I’m pregnant with our second, and this will be our last. My daughter will be about 2.5 when the baby is born. We’re just anticipating the first year will be really hard. At the same time, I think we’ll be more relaxed, and I’m thinking my husband will really lean into the whole “napping with an infant” thing and he’ll actually take the lead on a lot of baby stuff. Since it’s awhile before they’re mobile that might work well for you guys, as well.

      But it’s definitely a leap of faith that we can make it work!

  62. Might be Spam*

    I’ve been helping my mom with a financial situation and we had a meeting with a financial counselor through a county-run agency. The meeting went well and the counselor said she would send me an action plan for us to follow along with some additional information.

    She said she would send it the next day, but it’s been over a week now and she still hasn’t sent it. I thought there might be an email issue (Gmail had problems this week) so I emailed to make sure she had used my correct email address. She acknowledged the email and said she would be in the office the next day, but didn’t send the information. I’ve tried to be patient, but we need this information. I’ve emailed her a couple of times and not gotten any response.

    We’ve gotten a survey request from the agency and I wanted to wait until the issue was resolved before filling it out. I’m afraid that if I fill it out now and mention the lack of follow up, that it would be burning the bridge and the issue will never be resolved. The counselor also happens to be the head of the agency, so there is no one else to appeal to for action.

    Any ideas on how to get her to respond? I know it’s the holiday season and things get backed up. I really need this action plan information, so we know what we need to do to get this issue resolved. This is really stressing out my mother and she is losing sleep over it.

    1. A313*

      I hope she responds soon. It’s the holidays, and COVID, and who know what else she might have going on.

      In the meantime, though, is there anything you can recall from the meeting (write it all down) that you can get started with? It might help your mother (and you) to take some small, beginning steps while you wait. And writing things down makes them more concrete for me, at least, and can give a visual of progress/a plan.

      I don’t really have any language/suggestions for getting a response sooner, unfortunately. Good luck!

      1. Might be Spam*

        I remember most of it. The part that’s missing is contact information that she didn’t give us because she planned to put it in the email. I was able to figure out enough to be able to make a phone call to gather some information. I’m stuck now until I hear from her for the rest.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      One person introduced me to the concept of “being a nice nuisance”.

      “Oh, I am betting you are super busy right now and I am so sorry to bother you. My mom’s in a real pickle and I am so worried. How is that information coming along? Do you need further from me? Can I do anything to help?”

      And all your emails read similarly but you change the phrasing a little. Be nice but keep asking.

      It could be that her work lost internet connection.
      It could be that her computer is down, the email system failed, she had a family emergency, etc. If you are nice you won’t have regrets later if you find out something awful. But by repeatedly asking nicely, this satisfies your need/right to get answers and have your mom’s case processed along.

      Going the opposite way, you could send her an email that just says, “Are you alright? I think you would probably answer asap, so I got to thinking that maybe something happened to you?” Again, if she did have a problem this puts you in a good spot. If she did not have an actual problem this question can act like a jolt of lightening and help her to respond to you in some manner.

      1. Might be Spam*

        I like the nice nuisance idea and it fits my personality. I tend to be overly kind and helpful and it would be valid place to use that energy. (I’ve gotten a lot better at stepping back.) Thanks for the phrasing suggestions.

  63. Llama face!*

    Recommendations for free exercise or stretching youtube videos or channels that can be done in very limited space?
    I recently had to put my usual martial arts classes (zoom since halfway through 2020) on hold because the timing was just not working out. I need something to keep generally fit but that can be done on my own timing.
    Particulars: I have never done yoga so anything like that would need to be vey beginner friendly. I have a few very small free weights but no other equipment. I don’t have access to stairs. My exercise space could be about 7 by 7 feet max (if I moved things) and has low ceilings.

    1. Yennefer of Vengerberg*

      There are so many fitness youtubers out there these days! I can recommend my favorite: Yoga with Tim. He’s no where close to the most popular yogi on YouTube, but he has great 30day challenges with a good start for beginners and I find his yoga much more strength demanding than the others. I found the other yogis to either demand too much from me flexibility-wise or be way too easy.

    2. ronda*

      I am a big fan of yoga.. I have found almost every yoga teacher has something to offer and they are all different. Try one, then another, til you find some you like.
      I like a live zoom class, so haven’t really done the youtube much, I have seen others recommend yoga by Adrianne(?)

      Years ago, I did have some one send me a kettle bell exersise video that didn’t take much space… you basically stood and and did many different arm moves with the kettle bell.

      I have also done zoom classes via the ymca for Zumba. doesn’t take too much space and the several different teachers seem to do different moves. my favorite was one who was very basic cause she didnt used to be a dance type of person, she was a couch potato type person :) The ones with more dance ability are also motivating… even tho I can’t really follow them too closely.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I’ve been using the Nike Training Center app. You can search for workouts based on beginner/intermediate/advanced, no equipment/some equipment, mobility/endurance/strength. I hate traditional yoga but find some of their mobility workouts to be excellent for stretching and preventing stiffness. I do all workouts in my office/second bedroom and it’s been great so far.

      1. Redhairedrunner*

        I’ll second the Nike training app, they make it really easy to find workout that will work for you and give clear instructions.

    4. violet04*

      Fitness Blender. They have a variety of exercises that can be done without equipment and don’t need much space. They also have low impact options if you need to avoid jumping.

    5. Longtime Lurker*

      Fitnessblender has plenty of options, and they are usually good about giving modifications that are lower impact (which often translates to limited space). And Daniel and Kelli will become a part of your life…

    6. Alex*

      I’ve been using fitness blender, and my workout space is even more restricted. They have so many options there’s sure to be one you like and can manage in your space.

    7. Penguin*

      Arianna Elizabeth (on YouTube) has a beginner-friendly video titled “Bed Yoga | (super gentle and accessible for all!)” that might be worth looking at!

    8. Mephyle*

      The app FitOn has all exercise content free, and one of the categories is “Small Space.” I just checked it now, and there are 14 workouts in that category. (There might actually be more than 14 small space workouts altogether, because I have a filter to only show me workouts 25 minutes or less.) Looking at the small space workouts, I see they include strength, pilates, yoga, stretching, bodyweight, low-impact cardio…

    9. No Tribble At All*

      Fightmaster Yoga (YouTube channel) has a great 30 days yoga for beginners! She’s very chill about the stretches, sort of “however far you stretch, that’s where you are.”

  64. Glass Piano*

    I am absolutely thrilled to have been accepted in to grad school this week (don’t worry, this post isn’t about that!) – and I am going to need to pack up everything I own and move to a city 20 hours away where I don’t know anyone! The last time I moved it was out of a college dorm room and everything fit in my car. Now I’m a few years out of school with some actual large possessions, and I’ve realized I have no clue what the best way is to go about getting everything from A to B. It’s not like this is a multi-person household so a moving truck seems like overkill, but I’ll be driving my car there so a Uhaul won’t work. Has anyone used those pod storage containers with success? I’m looking for something as economical as possible.

    Also, any tips on long solo drives?

    1. GinnyDC*

      I used pod storage for a move a few years ago (2011) when I was moving cross-county to temporary housing by myself. It worked really well for me. I had the pod delivered early so I had few days to load my things into–everything except clothes, personal items, and my cat :-). Then the company picked it up and stored it for me until I had moved to my permanent housing. Then I had few days to unload before they picked up the empty pod. It’s not necessarily the cheapest option, but it was very convenient. I didn’t have to worry about hooking a trailer to my car or hooking my car up to a truck. And, given the mileage charges that some moving truck companies charge, it wasn’t that much more expensive. I’d definitely encourage you to check it out.

      As far as long solo drives, audio books are my go-to! I have an Audible subscription but the Alexa app will actually read your Kindle books out loud for you as well. (Sometimes the pronunciation or emphasis is a little off, but it’s pretty good.)

      1. Reba*

        Strongly agree with this. I have driven from the coasts to the middle of the country numerous times (assuming you’re in the US).

        Especially if you are driving alone, you will start to get a little… Weird… On these long stretches and I highly recommend taking your time and staying rested.
        (I have also fallen asleep while driving. Don’t do that.)

        ALSO you should take the opportunity to visit beauty spots and strange roadside attractions, which are America’s treasures!!

        To your question about Pods, all the different companies have slightly different terms/services. I have used abf u-pack twice, because they offered storage around the move. At the time they also offered the most physically sturdy cubes.

        Good luck!

    2. Not A Manager*

      There’s a site called U Ship which works like any other labor auction site. You post the items you want to move and your timeframe, and truckers bid to fit your items into the interstices of their loads. They are community vetted with stars and reviews, so you can choose the one that looks best to you.

      I’ve shipped this way twice with no problems.

    3. OyHiOh*

      I did a long solo drive in Sept

      COVID precautions – mask, hand sanitizer, take a look at what gas station chains are common along your route and see if any of them have apps for paying for gas and ordering things from inside. If you can avoid going in places except for bathroom and sleeping, do so. Rest stops were open when I traveled so I used those for bathroom stops whenever I could, I was more concerned about being around congregate groups of people than high touch surfaces. Use drive thru for food, even if other options are available.

      I expected to drink lots of coffee (caffeine of choice) and listen to the radio a great deal. Instead, I found myself content to drive in silence for sixteen hours over two days. I didn’t have trouble with focus or attention to the road. There’s been a lot going on in my life for the last year and the opportunity to just be alone in my head was a huge relief.

    4. D3*

      Even if it’s more expensive, give yourself time to do the drive safely. I personally would not to a 20 hour drive in two days. I’d do it in 3. (And it would be REALLY stupid do try and do it all at once!) Depending on where there was to stay, I would do an 8 hour day the first day when you’re fresh, and two six hour days after that. Another night in a hotel is cheaper than an accident.

      1. Blackcat*

        I did a 16 hour drive in a UHaul in one day. It wasn’t ideal, but I think it inflicted minimal trauma on the cat. 16hr is my limit though…

    5. WoodswomanWrites*

      Here are my tips for long solo drives. First, the COVID precautions. I buy all the food I anticipate needing in advance so I don’t have to access grocery stores or restaurants. A cooler for the car is handy. You can put perishables in the refrigerator of your hotel room and use their microwave to heat things up. My only contact is typically when I stop to get gas, use a bathroom (rest stops for these are best), and check into a hotel. Mask up and sanitize your hands at before and after.

      Maintaining my blood sugar is key to being a focused driver. I’m a frequent snacker so I keep finger food that’s easy and safe to access while driving handy such as tortilla chips, energy bars, popcorn, crackers, etc.

      My personal maximum in the car is nine hours, including breaks, or else I get tired. Personally, I enjoy checking out places I’m driving past. I take breaks, even if it’s just a few minutes here and there. As a naturalist, I like exploring different climates and topography, and being a birdwatcher I enjoy looking for different species that I don’t usually see. There may be cool landmarks like historic sites you can walk around in for a little while. This would be a four-day trip for me.

      I like a balance of listening to my own music, silence to just watch the world go by, and discovering random public radio stations along the way. Some years ago I learned that most public radio stations are between 88 and 92 on the FM dial, and that’s led me to fun stuff when I’m traveling. Silence is a good break in between.

      I recommend the website Atlas Obscura. It’s a list of notable places across the country, and you can find interesting places along your route. Pre-pandemic, the website led me to discover a history museum in a little town and a wildlife rehab center where I stopped to check out their birds of prey. Outdoor locations may still be accessible. I once found an interesting cemetery from the mining days in a tiny town.

      As you can probably tell, I love solo road trips. One last bit of advice is to plan carefully for where you will spend the night if you’ve got lots of possessions in your car during your move. To minimize the risk of theft, I stay overnight at places that aren’t right next to the freeway off-ramp, and that are away from cities and off the beaten path. I’ve never had my car broken into.

      Have a good trip!

    6. Anono-me*

      You may want to check out a company called Estes. You pay for X feet on the truck and each load is separated by a divider.

    7. *daha**

      The pods were a lot pricier than I expected, last time I checked. My cheapest option turned out to be a one-way rental truck with a trailer pulling my car behind. For some of my moves, though, I saved money by renting a truck for “local” use and paying the per mile fee. I drove it back to where I picked it up from, got it in my car, and drove once more to my new home. Even counting in the gas three ways and other travel expenses this worked out cheaper than the one-way fee and I had the time.
      FWIW I like Penske better than UHaul.

      1. Reba*

        Yeah, part of figuring out the strategy is your money/time relative importance. At times, I have had more free time than money…at other times, the money spent to handle it faster is way worth it.

        I think driving a trailer would be too stressful for me. Then again, I definitely enjoyed driving the 24′ truck, to my surprise.

  65. Girasol*

    Anybody have targeted advertising stories? I am retired IT, but someone seems to have inferred that because I live in a midwest state I must want farm implements to hook to a tractor. I ordered a small part for my husband’s old Piper Cub once so someone thought I might like a new Lear jet, but when I didn’t show any interest after a month of ads they hammered me with ads for a radio controlled helicopter instead. I sometimes sell crafts at a craft fair and then get book-sized catalogs of forklifts for my “warehouse” that’s really three Rubbermaid bins in the garage. What crazy things get marketed to you and why?

    1. LDF*

      One thing I’m confused about is how many fb ads I get for a specific brand that seems to cater to trans/GNC AFAB people. It’s not weird as in a weird product, seems like a nice company, just totally not my thing and don’t understand why I’ve been getting their ads for literal years!

    2. Teatime is Goodtime*

      Oh man, I have never understood why, after buying a washing machine, I kept getting ads for washing machines! I just bought one! I don’t need another one! That goes for basically any big appliance or thing-one-only-has-one-of. On the bright side, those are ads that not really annoying but are very easy to ignore.

      The ones I find most amusing are the accounts that I use with my husband. They seem to get mightily confused. Apparently I’m looking for children’s 80s horror action sitcom biographies about sharks, construction site vehicles and embroidery. In French. (That was just a silly thought-up example because of course I don’t have any on hand, but doesn’t feel far off from the truth.)

    3. Just a PM*

      About two years ago, I ended up on the distribution list for a catalog from a company/dispensary that specialized in cannabis goods. Special cookies, special brownies, special weed, special pipes, and CBD-infused everything – air freshener, blankets, pillows, robes, so on. After about 6 months, the catalogs stopped.

      I have no interest in that. I’ve never partook. I’ve never been to a specialty store. So I have no idea how I got on the distribution list in the first place. But best of all, the catalogs were addressed to me at my parents’ address, my childhood home where I hadn’t lived in 10 years. The family had a lot of fun at my expense and still like to tease me when we visit the grandparents about staying away from the dispensaries (it’s legal in that particular state).

    4. fposte*

      Sometimes I like to game them. Florists are relentless in ad streams, so if you browse major florists you can see pretty flowers for a long time.

    5. For Volunteer Document Transcribers*

      This is a while back, but when I got my second Swedish speaking friend on Facebook, my targeted ads and suggested posts switched to Swedish. Then when I got a friend who spoke Arabic, I started getting ads for hijabs….but not in Swedish…although that would have been cool.

    6. opal!*

      I’m a scientist and a few years ago I was put on a project to try to shape metal pieces with explosives. I didn’t know anything about explosives, but I kept surfing/scrolling amazon for textbooks. I also had a preschooler. For a while amazon’s recommendations to me were: explosives (scientific texts etc), books aimed at off-grid living, and Dr Seuss.

    7. Coenobita*

      Oy, once I was visiting my mom and she used my computer to shop for exterior lighting, like those little light poles you can put in your garden or along your walk or driveway. The ads for exterior lighting were so persistent, and not very useful for my small apartment with no garden, walk, or driveway.

    8. D3*

      I work with pregnant people and even though my youngest is in college, I still frequently get free diapers/formula/baby stuff in the mail. Right now they companies think I have a 3 mo and an 18 mo.
      It all goes to the food bank, so I hope it helps someone who isn’t a postmenopausal empty nester!

    9. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      If you read manga, the ads think you are a horny teenage boy. I am not a boy, not a teenager, and not particularly horny. No, I would not like to play a game that would, “make my girlfriend mad if she found out.” A. I don’t have a girlfriend B. If I did, I would not be playing games that would make her mad C. Boobs do not look like that.

    10. KoiFeeder*

      I get so many senior/end-of-life-planning advertisements because of all my chronic illnesses. I’m only 22… I’m too young to be deciding on an elder care home…

      I also have one really nasty one that I’m going to put in a reply to this comment, because I suspect it’ll be triggering.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        The nasty one is that, in a recent phone conversation with my father, I mentioned that chronic exhaustion and depression tend to have the same symptoms, and it’s hard to tell if I’m apathetic because my sleep quality is garbage or if I’m apathetic because of depression.

        It took about a week after that conversation for my phone to stop advertising guns.

        1. Dan*

          Speaking as someone with (or had) poor sleep quality, it would surprise me not all if if your poor sleep quality triggered your depression, and in turn the apathy.

          1. KoiFeeder*

            I can believe that. It’s definitely depressing, especially given my insurance’s abject refusal to sign off on anything that might help without months of prolonged fighting with them.

            I’m supposed to sign the final paperwork next week, so hopefully soon I’ll get my APAP.

            1. Dan*

              Interesting… I didn’t realize getting those machines was something insurance put up a big fight over. I have a CPAP, and I had nada trouble getting mine approved. My dad had a super minor diagnosis to the point where I thought insurance would have told him to take a hike, but he somehow got one without any issue… and then gave it back because it wasn’t doing him much good.

              Word of caution/warning/advice to you: It can take several months to adjust to the APAP (ok, I have a CPAP which is different, but…). It really does change your physiology, and your body takes awhile to adapt to it. But if your sleep sucks, the long run results are worth it so stick with it.

              1. KoiFeeder*

                To be blunt, my insurance has been fighting with me on a lot of things that they don’t fight my parents or brother on, as well as messing with whether or not they cover my most important medications. I’m also the person on the plan that costs the most, because of all my chronic illnesses. At this point I’m pretty heavily convinced that my insurance is hoping that I’ll just give up and die and stop costing them money.

        2. Helen knows the owner*

          What websites were generating gun ads? I have googled and had conversations about those things and have never received an ad for a gun.

          1. KoiFeeder*

            Ah, not a website- it was my game apps! The nonogram app and the crosswords app specifically. I use firefox and adblock on my phone, but that only handles the browser, not other apps.

            1. Helen knows the owner*

              What are these apps names and did you report this to anyone? This is HIGHLY wrong. I honestly thought advertising guns on external pages was illegal (I understand if I go to a website about guns that there might be info on how to buy a gun on there) and a google search shows that FB, Insta, Google and YouTube all prohibit it. I’m not sure what the laws are surrounding targeting marketed for this but it seems like it’s not a widely used practice or acceptable and it’s beyond disturbing that an app I assume can be accessed by children would be taking $$ for this.

              1. KoiFeeder*

                I did not report it- it’s illegal to advertise guns?

                Both of these are free apps so, yeah, there’s no age-block preventing children accessing it. Huh. I will… go report those apps now. Thank you!

        3. RagingADHD*

          That’s super wierd, because I regularly search for info on weapons, ammunition, doomsday prepping, and similar things for my fiction.
          Even attended a local gun show to interview historical firearm experts and wrote a blog post about it.

          I’ve never seen a gun ad.

    11. Dan*

      My favorite:

      I work for a rather large org that provides professional services (mostly engineering and the like) to the federal government. We don’t sell stuff that retail consumers can buy. The only way we get money is if some government entity writes us a check. Some big name media company did a blurb on us last summer, and a bunch of us read it from our work computers. For like a month, we were getting targeted ads for our own employer. Two things; 1) *We* can’t buy what we sell, and 2) We already work there, so there’s no recruiting angle either. I mean, I’m reading and getting this stuff from an IP address that is tied to my employer. Seriously, WTF?

      One thing that annoys me are travel ads. I’ll spend a fair amount of time plugging in different sets of dates in various search tools, and for months afterwards, will get targeted ads for those places. No surprise there — everybody gets them. But what really bugs me is that those targeted ads are showing a price that is never available to me. I click through because I am curious, but that rate is always an offseason rate or something, if I can even find when it’s valid. I’ve stopped clicking through those ads for the most part, but I would really appreciate it if the price shown is actually available on the dates (or even sometime in the month, my plans are a bit flexible) I’m traveling.

    12. Dan*

      Forgot to mention…

      I do aviation stuff for work, and TBH, some of the ads I get are super interesting, along the lines of, “I didn’t even know that was a thing.” I’ve seen some ads for some super interesting private jet interior designs.

      The core of my job is data analysis, and somehow that knowledge has crept into my Youtube account. I cannot stand it when late at night when I’m watching some YT before dozing off, Tableau and Slack ads start popping up. For one, I already use them at work, and in fact even like them. But no, my personal account when I’m not at work is not the time to pitch them to me (again). I mean, I use them already…

    13. Retail Not Retail*

      The weirdest was an ad for a tool I used at work… on the CW. Why would they buy a tv spot on a broadcast channel? Weird. (Kidding, I know it was just really strange timing. It wasn’t an ad for the store where you’d buy the tool, it was for the tool. And I do not watch shows that use tools on that channel ha, we going after riverdale teens for these tools?)

      The best are the ones where your geographic markers are just messed up and facebook is like you – living in kansas having gone to university of washington – want and NEED shirts saying “you can take the girl out of texas but you can never take the texas out of the girl” and “arkansas fan living in new mexico” (all locations changed to protect the guilty)

    14. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I’m getting all the Medicare supplement ads, calls, mail, etc! My mom just got signed up for the first time, and for whatever reason I’m getting all this stuff. I find it hilarious actually.

    15. mreasy*

      I got an Instagram ad for exotic organic fountain pen ink recently and I have ZERO idea what it could be related to.

    16. NRG*

      I get ads for trucks. I have never owned a truck and have no need for one. This began when I bought a large cube of peat moss for the garden. Really it was a one time thing, and it fit in my car.

    17. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      I started getting ads for fertility treatments and international adoption as soon as I hit 30. As soon as the pandemic hit it changed to premium medical insurance, funeral services and plots at private cemeteries… which is even more gross than the baby ones.

    18. Nicki Name*

      Whatever picks ads for me to see on news sites seems to think I am extremely concerned about pooping enough in the morning. I have absolutely no idea what demographic or medical condition these are supposed to be for.

    19. Generic Name*

      My ex is in his mid forties, and when he hit 40, he I guess had a midlife crisis or something because he started to become really vain about his appearance and how old/young he looked. He would get incensed that he got Facebook ads for treatments for gout. I thought it was hilarious.

  66. Yennefer of Vengerberg*

    I’m thinking of going back to cable/satellite after only having Netflix since I moved out of my parents place 10 years ago. Everyone is talking about the death of cable TV, but I’m wondering if anyone on here feels like me?

    The reason for the switch: I’m so tired of having to choose what to watch. I often end up browsing Netflix for 30min only to shut it off again. I usually watch TV to unwind, and I feel like the choice kind of destroys that. I’ve got enough choices to make in my life already. I miss the days where you were satisfied with whatever happened to be on TV. When you got excited and looked forward to that good movie scheduled to play on Sunday. My plan: get the news, animal/National Geographic, food & home and movie packages and never look back. I just hope cable doesn’t become a thing of the past.

    1. CTT*

      I still have cable because of (1) live events (sports, awards shows, etc.) and (2) I love to zone out to a movie on the weekend on tv without having to scroll through Netflix and choose like you said! So I still endorse cable, but with the caveat that I don’t think you can pick and choose channels like you’re planning – at least where I am, it’s still all or nothing, which is what led to cord-cutting in the first place.

    2. WellRed*

      I have an app from my cable provider. Gives me quite a few channels but not overwhelmingly. Some times, yeah, I just want to choose between Law & Order and Friends.

    3. LDF*

      I have youtube tv which I feel like is a solid price point and provides all the benefits of “live news/sports” and “see what’s on” and DVR without requiring a contract or any equipment leasing.

      1. Retail Not Retail*

        We get hulu live for the sports and DVR during college football season.

        Another option if you’re in a good place geographically is an antenna – you can get ion, antenna tv, metv, a couple PBSs, religious channels, spanish ones, weird things in addition to the usual over the air channels. That sounds so obvious sorry! But I think most people have forgotten about the good ol free tv.

        1. Retail Not Retail*

          We can’t get one major station and it’s entirely on their end, they didn’t change their tech when the other stations did and it sucks because they say “oh you need to live within this many miles? Oh you do? Well you need this type of antenna… oh you have it?”

    4. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Yep, when I really just want to plop down and watch something I don’t usually want to try to figure out what I want to watch!

    5. OtterB*

      We dropped cable some years ago because nobody was watching it, but we haven’t had Netflix or anything else either. I am looking at getting a Roku smart TV. But I don’t want to have to browse forever either, so will have to figure this out.

    6. Urban Prof*

      Cable TV in my area is expensive, so we replaced it with Hulu + Live TV, which is now $65 month. Before you commit to cable, check it out and see if it fits your needs.

    7. Yennefer of Vengerberg*

      Thanks for all the alternatives to cable! I didn’t even know these others were an option and, to be honest, I didn’t realize cable was so expensive. I’ll definitely look into them and if anyone else has other options please let me know.

      1. The teapots are on fire*

        Many cable companies will allow you to play a little game with them where you call them up and say you can’t afford it and you have to cancel and maybe get DSL from some other imaginary company and after some argument and transferring you to some other people, they’ll offer you reduced rates for a year.
        You have to be willing to perform some drama and it’s ridiculous but some people do this dance every year.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          My sister is willing to do this every single time and I’m just…not. I usually accept the rate increase and grumble that I should cut cable, and then I don’t. Once in a while I’ll contact them to see if I can get a better deal and I always do, but I just don’t have the patience to do that all the time. To be fair, she’s got twice as many TVs as me and six people in her house vs. just me and my husband, so she definitely has a good incentive to fight with them every year or two.

    8. D3*

      Look at SlingTV – might give you the same benefits at a lower cost. We had it but ditched it because it was pretty much all live TV and we kept missing what we wanted to watch, LOL.

    9. Dan*

      I think cable as we know it will be a thing of the past. Even “cable” these days comes with dozens, if not hundreds of channels that one has to pick something from.

    10. Sunflower*

      There are apps that function similar to cable TV. Pluto TV is one that I use because it has not only network channels but also channels for specific shows (ie Law and Order channel that plays nothing but Law and Order).

      Not having cable, I do end up rewatching the same shows over and over and not watching new shows as much but the cost of cable doesn’t outweigh that. I have a few default shows that I have as background noise (Old Bravo seasons, Friends, SATC) that I throw on as soon as I get home from work and just let play.

    11. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      Sling! It’s tv you stream to your tv. Lots of stations and it’s playing whatever is scheduled to play on cable etc

    13. Skeeder Jones*

      I tried to cut the cable cord a few years ago but in order to get all the shows I wanted, I needed Hulu, Netflix and a few other streaming services. With all of those, I dealt with buffering issues until I bought a smart tv. But even when they were working, they required me to know what show I want to watch and sometimes I actually just want to see what is playing to either have it in the background or get introduced to new shows. So in the end, it just didn’t work for the way I watch TV.

    14. NoLongerYoung*

      I didn’t need sports, so I went with Roku (I have Amazon prime, so I can get some movies), and – for your purposes – a good digital antenna. Under $100 all in 2 years ago, and not a cable bill since.
      I have a whole lineup of favorites marked in Roku (I’m only able to watch about an hour a week, so yes, I don’t want to spend it surfing and deciding. ). I pick the next one off my list, and watch it.
      The tv antenna is for when I “do” want to watch local stations (I get 65 of them, so I don’t have time to check them all out, either)…. but for say, Macy’s Thanksgiving parade, etc, it’s nice to have.

      I also look at the theater column in the Wall street journal, and pay (or watch free) to stream the really good theater productions. I schedule those (like National Theater of London streams X and it ends on Friday at midnight…), so I don’t miss them. I try to get one a month of those. Even with my old TV, I was able to hook HDMI to the laptop and stream from the website to the “big” screen.

      But yes – the combo of the Roku and the antenna covers most of the bases for me.

      1. OtterB*

        (late reply, not sure you will see this) What kind of antenna did you get? I’m looking at that also.

  67. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Had my first snowfall in my new home (well not IN the house thank God)! aaaand I realize I have no proper footwear. Any recommendations for shoe brands and/or styles that I can wear for both inclement weather and driving so I don’t have to change?

    In winters past, on the rare occasion I did wear rain or snow shoes, it was during my commute to work and I’d take them off once I got in to the office.

    Now, if and when I go out it’ll be driving and occasionally into the yard.

    Everything I’ve seen for winter weather is very heavy and doesn’t seem appropriate for driving?? The heavy part makes sense, but idk I have a hard time driving in anything heavier than flats. (Maybe I am
    Just weird)

    TLDR- ISO of shoes that I can wear during winter weather and while driving?

    1. Michelle*

      I live in New England and wear Land’s End All-Weather Mocs for much of winter unless I specifically need boots on for some reason. They aren’t high on the sides, more like a regular slip-on shoe, so you can’t really wear them while traipsing through deep snow, but they are great for hopping in and out of the car while shopping, etc. They are water resistant (not sure about water proof, but I have never had an issue), so they even work in slushy weather. I will say though, that they are fine for areas that don’t get ultra-cold winters, but I wouldn’t want to wear them in a place where it hits -20 to -40.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Completely forgot about Lands End brand.

        Sorry if this is a dumb question but Is that temp in Farenheit or Celsius? I’m in New Jersey now, we got a lot of snow and it hasn’t gotten lower than 20 F I think. In years past, the extremely cold temps didn’t have snow/rain…

    2. LQ*

      In my experience, good socks matter more than shoes? Wool all the way. It’s the best thing for winter and year-round. (Except lately I’ve been having foot issues so I’ve been doing a thin bamboo sock under a heavy good wool sock which is coming down to be a great setup for me, but still the wool!)

      1. D3*

        This is true as long as your feet don’t get wet. If your shoes allow your feet to get wet, it’s all over.

        1. LQ*

          Oh, this is where good smart wool comes in. Don’t take them off, but even if my feet get wet (which 100% they will in my experience) a smart wool means that 5 minutes later and you’re ok, still ish, but ok. My feet always get wet, hence always wearing smart wools.

      2. lapgiraffe*

        All wool all the time! Smartwools snd Darn Toughs, plus I really like Carhartt socks for a cozy cushioning.

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I bought a pair of Sorel Out ‘N About Plus boots last year and really like them. Not clunky, waterproof and warm on the commute.

    4. Urban Prof*

      I’m a veteran of more than fifty winters in snowy northern climes.
      Two necessities are Muck boots at muckbootcompany dot com, and lightweight snow boots. For the latter, I recommend Propet Madi ankle strap snow boots, available at many different online outfits.

    5. Egret*

      Forgive me if I’m misreading your post but it doesn’t sound like you’re actually going to be walking outside much, just running to and from the car, or being out in the yard? If so you wouldn’t need a full-on winter boot, something like a Chelsea boot would do without being ultra bulky.

    6. Mella*

      I prefer to use a set of Yak Trax. They’re easily portable and can slip over semi-fashionable boots.

    7. lapgiraffe*

      Canadian brands!! I’ve had great luck with Pajar and Toe Warmers, the latter so cozy and comfy if less stylish than the former.

      My absolute favorite is Chaussures Leclerc from Quebec, though I’ve never seen them at a store in the US. Like these are so good they are worth a trip to Quebec City just to buy them (I’m only slightly exaggerating).

      Signed, Bostonian who is very pleased that it finally snowed after several disappointing winters in a row

  68. Amethyst*

    In mid-October, I had a rash localized to my forearm, elbow, & hand that left some scarring after it went away. It returned a couple weeks later in November to the back of my calf. The rash is gone (took 3-4 weeks each time), but also left some scarring. The calf scarring is like purply bruises scattered over the back while the arm is normal scarring (pinkish shiny skin). I’d like to reduce the appearance of both types of scars, particularly the ones on my leg. Is there a scar reducing cream/etc. that you swear by?

    1. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      I’d say Aveeno like or vitamin A creams, but it would better if you consulted with a dermatologist.

    2. Valancy Snaith*

      I’ve used Bio Oil to good effect in reducing scar appearance. My mom had a minor skin cancer removed from her face, and her doctor prescribed a Vitamin A cream which worked wonders on the little scarring that resulted.

    3. Claire*

      Bio Oil has worked exceptionally well for both myself and my mother. Including making a bad scar on her forehead from a fall imperceptible. I would never be without it.

  69. Sunflower*

    Does anyone infuse liquor at home? I’m trying my hand at Allspice dram and recipes are mixed in calling what type of Rum to use. I don’t really drink rum so am going to go cheap and hope for the best since it’s essentially going to be a cordial and used quite sparingly in drinks. I’ve only infused cucumber and gin which I used a specific type of gin since I drink that straight or with very little mixer.

    Any advice or other fun thing more seasoned infusers have made?

    1. ThatGirl*

      I love I infused bourbon with strawberries over the summer and it was great. Of course strawberries are not really in season right now.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I now really want to try this. Or peach. (Peach bourbon jam is amazing.) … Or both.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Me: “Can you please make your grocery store trip today during the hours where bourbon can be purchased?”
          Husband: “Do you have a plan?”
          Me: “Yes. Yes I do.”

        2. ThatGirl*

          For strawberries, use super ripe ones, cut into larger chunks, and let them soak for 24-48 hours or until the color is gone from the berries. I bet peach would work well too! I recommend using it with whiskey sours or basil syrup and old fashioneds.

    3. lapgiraffe*

      I have not made my own allspice dram but I dabble in other DIY cocktail ingredients and I work in booze industry so have many customers with much more experience doing the same. Honestly, don’t go that cheap, you can definitely tell even when it’s a small amount. Cheap spirits have very volatile esters that never go away, and you don’t have to spend a ton to get a good quality rum when compared to other spirits.

      I’d go with something like Smith and Cross, and I’d just do half the bottle and use the remaining half to sip or mix on its own.

  70. WoodswomanWrites, seeking advice for financially supporting a parent*

    My siblings and I are blessed to have a wonderful mother who in her 90s is in great health and mentally sharp. She lives in a retirement community in her own apartment. She gets her meals in the dining room, has a community of friends, and has access to amenities in the building like a library, cultural events, etc. Should she ever need it, she can move to a different part of the building for assisted living or skilled nursing. The staff is excellent and have kept residents safe during the pandemic. She’s happy there.

    When she moved in many years ago, we all knew that there was a chance she would run out of money if she lived a long time. She is coming to the end of her savings in about a year, and my three siblings and I will soon have conversations about how much each of us can afford to contribute to supplement her Social Security so she can stay in her home. Additionally, our two cousins (their father was my mother’s brother) have generously offered to help because they know that’s what their late parents wanted, they received an inheritance, and they care about my mom.

    I know that I’m fortunate to have a caring family that has open communication, is not combative, and wants to be financially fair when our own income has a big range. Personally I’m at the low end.

    Before we engage in the nuts and bolts of who is going to contribute what, I welcome advice from those of you who have been through a comparable situation. What worked best as you navigated the planning process? What pitfalls should I watch out for? Anything else you’d like to share that would be useful? Thanks in advance.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Ugh. This is so hard.
      My number one thought is to check with an attorney. I would be concerned about setting a precedent that could open the door for me to be on the hook for her medical bills.
      My next thought is tax implication for your mom. I would definitely try to set it up as an annual gift, which does have a cap but it’s tax free. (I assumed this has changed since I was familiar with it- so again good idea to check with a lawyer about taxes on her end.) And you want to be sure not to go over the limit SS allows so she does not start to chip away at her social security check.

          1. Enough*

            True as far as amount but the more income the more it gets taxed. But as long as nothing is reportable for tax purposes it won’t effect either SS or medicare.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        That’s a good point about keeping support within the range that is considered a gift without being taxable.

        1. ....*

          I think the limit for that is super high. It’s 15k/yr before you even have to report it. Then the amount where you owe taxes is significantly higher

          2. Natalie*

            That’s right, the $15k limit that people are familiar is the point at which you’d have to report the gift. Each individual can make $5 million in reportable gifts in their lifetime until gift/estate tax kicks, and at that point the tax is paid by the giver.

            Except in possibly a few states, gifts are never income for tax purposes.

    2. WellRed*

      My only thought is related to your comment that she can move into a higher level of care, how that will affect plans you make now since it will be more expensive, I assume.

      1. WoodswomanWrites, seeking advice for financially supporting a parent*

        Actually, she is fortunate that her monthly fee will remain the same even if she requires a higher level of care. Thank goodness that was in her contract when she moved in. It would not be the case now.

        1. fposte*

          Do you know what the facility’s policy is on this? My dad was in a CCRC too and once you were in you were in. I would certainly check with them if you haven’t before making plans within the family. Obviously you may still want to provide what support you can but it would be good to know how necessary it is.

          1. WoodswomanWrites, seeking advice for financially supporting a parent*

            Yes, we had a meeting with the facility staff. Long story I won’t go into here, but it’s clear we need to come up with the funding ourselves.

    3. Anona*

      My first thought is having a plan if one of the funders (sibling or cousin) stops contributing, either because their priorities change or their financial situation changes (job loss).

      I believe there are some nursing homes if you don’t have resources, but I know spots are scarce and they’re usually not that nice. So maybe look into that process in advance, just in case it becomes necessary so you at least have the info, though obviously it’s not your first choice.

      Good luck! I know this type of care is thousands of dollars a month, from when we went through it with my grandparents.

      1. Anona*

        And we have a friend who doesn’t have much in the way of resources. She ended up going to a small care home that was run out of someone’s house. When she later needed more care, she had to leave and go to a larger facility, where she is now. She has a roommate.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        We looked into publicly funded options. She would be moved far away from her high cost of living area, she wouldn’t have the same quality of life, and it would be upsetting for her. It’s a last resort that we are hoping to avoid. None of us are hugely wealthy but we anticipate that at least in the short term we can collectively keep her where she is.

      3. WoodswomanWrites*

        Also, that’s a good point about making a back-up plan to cover contingencies. I am looking for a new job partly to have a higher salary and the capacity to contribute more.

    4. Lifelong student*

      You should speak with an elder care attorney- but also with your own attorney/CPA. Depending on your mother’s income, eligibility for government programs, and contributions from family members, there are many variables. Sometimes, it is possible for an aged parent living in a facility to be considered a dependent for tax purposes- which could make payments for medical care deductible. This is a very, very, very complicated area and depends highly on facts and circumstances. Do not act without professional guidance. I am a CPA- not practicing in this area, but know enough to know that there is a lot to know!!

      1. ronda*

        I have just been volunteering for the aarp tax aide program and have been hearing in about this in my training class.
        The parent can be considered a dependent but only by one person… so there are rules about which person would be able to claim them when multiple people are providing the support. You can look up the rules for a parent being a dependent on the irs site and get the general idea, but it does become very complicated in deciding who can claim it and who should claim it (i.e. get the best tax outcome)

          1. ronda*

            the other item brought up during my taxes training class that might apply was medicaid waiver payments. many states will pay someone to care for the person in home rather than an institution.

            according to my training, these payments can be excluded from income if the person needing care lives with the person providing it full time. but since this may be your dependent, you also may qualify for some tax credits, so need to figure out if you get better credits/ total tax when you include the income or not (different credits have different income ranges and rules)

            It does not sound like this is your/her preferred course of action, but if it doesn’t end up being affordable to stay where she is now…. maybe she moves in with one of you and you are able to offset costs with this program and tax benefits.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        Good to know. One of the siblings is an attorney but out of state and this is not his area of expertise. I imagine he would be a good liaison for our family with an attorney we could consult with.

    5. Venus*

      My thoughts on sharing expenses is typically to divide by each person’s income (so if individual A has twice the income of individual B, then they pay 2/3 of the cost) although this is complicated by being in different households and situations. But it might be the best place to start.

    6. Dumpster Fire*

      Before committing to anything, meet with the financial office at the assisted living facility. My grandmother was in assisted living for a few years and eventually outlived her savings, ended up on Medicaid for the last few years of her life (she lived to 103). Her assisted living accepted some combination of social security and Medicaid but they were definitely not getting as much as their usual rate (and her son – my dad did not pay out of pocket at all.) I don’t know if it was state-specific or related to the facility itself, but it’s definitely worth discussing with their financial people.

      1. Might be Spam*

        Seconding this. My grandmother also made it to 103 and outlived her money. She qualified for medicaid and a social worker who helped find other resources. My mother did end up chipping in around a hundred dollars a month, but nowhere near the actual costs.

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          I appreciate that perspective. We did check into that. My mother would have to move out of her facility to a location much farther away in a less expensive area and without the amenities she enjoys. There unfortunately is no other option for her to stay where she is other than being supported by her family.

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      Thanks so much for all the comments and ideas, which are really helpful. Yet another reason I am grateful for Alison and the Ask A manager community.

  71. Anon5775*

    I am debating about getting myself a tablet but wonder if I’ll really use it since I do have a laptop and smart phone already. Anyone have suggestions for an Android model that would be about $200-300? And I’d love your reasons for why you use or don’t use a tablet (assuming you have one and then it turned out you don’t use it much).

    1. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I have an iPad and a laptop, and use the iPad so much more. It’s just so convenient for browsing, watching videos, and reading ebooks.I pull out the laptop once a week to update Quicken but that’s it.

    2. D3*

      Laptop is for work.
      Tablet is for fun.
      I can (and do!) take it around the house and watch movies or TV. Often I prop it on my table and use it for entertainment while I craft. This week I used it to watch a sappy Christmas movie while I wrapped gifts. I can browse fun stuff on the internet. I can read digital books. Or listen to music.
      And it doesn’t feel like work the way sitting at my laptop does.

    3. Mella*

      I have an RCA Viking tablet that has survived two dunks in the bathtub (I have a feisty cat). I really like the quiet of a tablet for typing while relaxing with my hubby in the living room as he watches TV. The clacking of a laptop gets annoying. Typing on a phone dries me insane, and the tiny screen is hard on the eyes.

    4. WoodswomanWrites*

      As a hobbyist, I’m a nature photographer and blogger (same name as my handle). My laptop is essential for those. I can’t do text and photo editing adequately without a big monitor. A tablet wouldn’t work.

      Where my tablet comes in handy is for when I’m traveling, pre- and post-pandemic. I have a tiny keyboard that attaches to it. I can keep notes about the where and when of my photos, and I’ve been able to write blog entries from campsites. It’s also a nice way to watch videos, look up maps of destinations, etc. I can also send emails a lot easier than using my tiny phone screen, which is tough on my eyes.

    5. Alex*

      I have an ipad and I use it daily. I cuddle up on the couch with a game or with just looking at crap on the internet. I also check my email first thing in the morning from bed. It’s also great for travel, if we ever do that again.

    6. AcademiaNut*

      I’m much more of a laptop person – I tend to do recreational stuff that isn’t well suited to a tablet, like coding, and editing photos, not to mention aggressively multi-tasking. I also touch type, so a laptop on my lap is more comfortable that either a tablet screen or detachable keyboard.

      I do get a lot of use out of my eBook reader, and have a higher end one that costs as much as a low end tablet. I love having the dedicated reader for a more focussed reading experience, I can hold it in one hand and turn pages while reading on the subway, and the non-backlit aspect is easier on my eyes.

    7. Might be Spam*

      I bought a tablet last Christmas even though I didn’t need it. I wanted to reward myself with a toy for coping with a difficult situation. I think I paid $150 for it and didn’t expect it to do much.

      The Saturday after the Stay At Home orders took effect, just as I started a support group on Skype, my computer crashed and couldn’t be repaired. Everybody else was ordering new computers and it took 8 weeks to get a new one delivered. I couldn’t even go to the library to use a computer because PANDEMIC.

      The tablet saved my sanity. My phone is too small to be really useful. The tablet got me online so I could order a new computer and kept me connected to everything I needed until my new computer arrived. 8 WEEKS. That’s 2 Months with no computer and no access to another one.

      Without the tablet I would have been a total wreck and unable to work at all. That “toy” is priceless.

    8. LenovoFan*

      I bought an 8-inch Lenovo M8. I keep it upstairs and use it when I’m in bed. It has amazing battery life, the functionality I need (email, internet browsing, access to the Google store, streaming, wifi of course, lots of storage) and it came in at under $150 including tax and shipping. I have two laptops and a cell phone but use the tablet for quick browsing in bed, looking things up, and streaming. It comes in handy. And it was cheap. I’ve had good luck with Lenovo products. Both my laptops are Lenovo, and the spare laptop’s running Windows 7 and is 8 years old – but still running well. The only downside is that the spare/backup laptop only has 4 gigs of RAM so it’s a bit slow.

    9. Bobina*

      I got a tablet which I didnt think I’d really use much but I’ve found I quite enjoy having!

      My laptop is for watching things (I dont have a TV) and anything requiring typing (AAM, Reddit, Emails), Light photo editing etc. Meanwhile my tablet tends to act as a bit of an e-reader, certain apps seem to do better on it (Tumblr for whatever reason) and for those days when I’m being a terrible multi-tasker (aka half watching something on the laptop but also skimming something else on the tablet).

      Tablet is also good for going into the kitchen to refer to recipes and play music while cooking :)

    10. Anonymous Educator*

      I find a tablet useful for streaming videos and looking at recipes for cooking. Other than that—phone or laptop all the way.

    11. ThatGirl*

      I use my iPad for general web browsing, mobile games, watching movies on a plane/while traveling, and reading kindle books. But a laptop is best for serious emailing, writing and “work” related things.

    12. OtterB*

      I use my tablet mainly as an e-reader, but it’s also better for web surfing than the phone.

      Currently I have an iPad because of an app that wasn’t available for Android, but my first tablet was a Samsung Galaxy and I liked it a lot. My cousin recently got the newest Samsung Galaxy and likes it a lot.

  72. Damn it, Hardison!*

    Does anyone have a recommendation for a pantry inventory app?

    I am fortunate to have a upright freezer and large cabinet in my basement for extra pantry supplies. These days they are more full than usual, and I’m looking for an app that I can use to keep track of what’s in them. I’m pretty good about checking the pantry when I make my grocery list, but I find myself buying extra things because I pass something in the store that we often need (like tortilla chips) and I can’t remember if we have any. I rotate a couple of stores, so there are specific things or brands I can get at one not the other, or are reasonably priced at one but not the other. I’m hoping to find an app that I could use in the store to look up what I already have in the pantry/freezer. Any suggestions welcome!

    1. self employed*

      Oh interesting. I’d be inclined to use a cloud based spreadsheet like Google Sheets or the like.

    2. Nynaeve*

      Out of Milk lets you have a shopping list, pantry inventory, and recipe book. I think it also scans items and lets you search for coupons. My main problem was I never remembered to update the pantry inventory, but that’s not really the app’s fault!

    3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Honestly, I just use pen and paper.

      I cleaned and organized our pantry in October and grouped things into tubs/boxes that I mentally associate with each other – nuts/seeds/dried fruit in one tub, pasta and rice in another, dried beans and lentils, etc you get the idea. Then I wrote down in columns on a piece of paper just how much I had of everything, and stuck it to the inside of the door. Now if I need to check if I have something for a recipe I dont have to go digging, I just open the door. If I use something up it gets crossed off the list. This was important because I was having issues NOT buying more and more dried things to store, and then I saw how much I had and I was able to rein in the behavior.

      On the inside of that same door I have a list of what is in the freezer, same approach. For canned goods I can more or less see them in the cupboard lazy susan (and they are grouped) so I don’t do this as much for cans. I do have a more visual memory so its a bit second nature for me to call up a mental image of what is there.

      However, I do tend to keep mental/physical track of the Big Ten items we use the most and keep an eye on the inventory. Things like canned tomatoes I dont feel bad adding a few extra to the cart if I know the price is a good one. You may want to just work with the needed + fast moving staples in an app so you are sure to update the list and keep track of it, rather than the whole shebang.

    4. tab*

      I use a Google Drive document that lists everything I buy at the grocery store. I check off stuff I don’t need to buy, and then buy anything that doesn’t have a check mark. That way I (and my husband) always have the list handy, no matter where we are.

  73. Goose*

    Favorite “Christmas adjacent Christmas moves?” Things like Die Hard, Iron Man 3–nothing with a Christmas message, but the occasional Christmas element. I want to to watch some timely movies but don’t want anything you would actually find in the Christmas section

    4. Just S*

      The same writer/director as Iron Man 3, Shane Black. Kiss Kiss Bang Band and The Nice Guys. Not a spoiler, Ryan Gosling’s eye twitch in the elevator cracks me up!

    5. CTT*

      Catch Me If You Can has surprisingly a lot of pivotal scenes at Christmas. (Also, bonkers to me it got no costume or production design nominations at the Oscars, but I guess in 2002 we weren’t appreciative of mid century modern style?)

    6. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Fargo is my go-to holiday movie. I think it’s all of the snow and the midwestern accents that make me think of where I grew up. I also love the remake of Last Holiday with Queen Latifah, because the Queen can do (almost) no wrong (no one can defend Taxi).

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I love both of those movies and I agree about Queen Latifah. I especially liked her in Chicago, mostly because of her song and dance number. She was great in Bringing Down the House, too.

    8. Shezam*

      The movies we watch every year are Trading Places and Donovan’s Reef. Both take place around Christmas time but aren’t Christmas movies per se.

    9. Anono-me*

      ‘The long kiss good night’ starring Gena Davis and Samuel L. Jackson. The chopping scene is a favorite of mine. Moral of the story – “Don’t mess with school teachers.”

      I would also like to suggest ‘The Ref’. It is a Christmas movie rather than a Christmas adjacent movie, but it is not a Hallmark type Christmas movie.

      1. SpellingBee*

        I was going to say Desk Set too! One of my favorites and we watch it every year, usually on Christmas Eve. I adore Katharine Hepburn and her costumes in this movie are amazing, except for the green dress she shows at the very beginning of the movie from a shopping trip. Fortunately you never see it on her because it’s just SO WRONG.

    12. Sunflower*

      Bridget Jones Diary and Just Friends- both so freaking hilarious. Happiest Season and the Family Stone are 2 that definitely have a strong Christmas presence but I wouldn’t say have a Christmas message

  75. Washi*

    Please help us solve our pest mystery! We have been living in a townhouse for about 6 months. Pretty soon after we moved in, we found a bag of our hot chocolate chewed open and spilling out. It had had been sitting along with a bunch of bags of nuts and seeds on this wire over-the-door shelf thing in a closet, so we moved everything into cabinets and put out a couple mouse traps.

    Then just a week ago, my husband’s parents gave us a bag of individually wrapped Ghirardelli squares, which they put in a gift bag. Today we found that the chocolate bag was torn open (with little bits of paper in the gift bag) and every single chocolate gone. No bits of chocolate, no bits of the wrappers. Next to the bag of chocolates and completely untouched is a giant bag of birdseed.

    Is this normal? Are there rodents that eat exclusively chocolate and will removed wrapped candies from a bag? We’re so confused! We’ve never seen any pests or even any poop.

    1. Washi*

      Update, my husband’s parents clarified that they also gave us 4 bags of chocolate gelt, which are also now completely gone!

      1. Enough*

        And I had the opposite issue that I saw poop but no food was ever touched. They were coming up the wall from the basement and running through the cabinet drawers.

    4. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Our experience with mice was that they open everything and take five bites of everything, leaving a lot of destruction in their wake.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I have seen rats drag things off. Well, I found where they were dragging those things to.
          Whatever it is they maybe using the wrappers for bedding or nesting.

    5. Anon5775*

      I’m gonna throw out a wild thought. Sleepwalking/sleep-eating? I have no experience with it but it’s a possibility.

    6. RagingADHD*

      If the candies were in paper and foil, while the seeds were in plastic, it’s possible the smell was more prominent.

      If the candies were completely gone rather than nibbled, my concern would be that it’s something larger than a mouse that could carry them off, like a rat.

      Ugh, I hope not, but that’s the first thing that comes to mind.

      1. Belle*

        That would be my concern too – rats. I would recommend you have a pest person out to look. It usually isn’t too expensive for them to verify what pests you have and can work with you on a plan to address, including how they may be getting inside.

        1. Washi*

          Yeah, I’m thinking maybe rats? The bag was more torn than chewed, which is very characteristic of how my pet rats used to destroy things (sadly my pets are long dead and not the little chocolate thieves in this scenario).

    8. WS*

      My aunt in Canada had a similar problem and it turned out to be a raccoon! She only discovered this because the raccoon got bolder and bolder and then she found it sitting in her kitchen.

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      In her younger iron-bellied days, my Elder Statesdog would steal any chocolate she could get hold of and eat it, wrappers and all. She still goes for wrappers, if they’re not put in the locking trash can when my husband finishes gorging on junk food. :P That probably wouldn’t explain the actual powdered hot chocolate though, she’s more of a candy and cupcakes gal.

  76. tangerineRose*

    Suggestions for feel-good cozy mysteries? Right now, I’m re-reading JoAnna Carl’s chocolate mysteries, and I also enjoy Donna Andrew’s bird mystery series.

    Thanks,

    2. Retail Not Retail*

      I love Elaine Viets’s two series – Josie Marcus, Mystery Shopper and the Dead-End Job books. They’re not “feel-good” except by the usual hallmarks of the genre – bad crimes, but no graphic descriptions. However, they are a bit funny. I hope they’re supposed to be or maybe I’m messed up!

      I think the dead-end job series would make for great aam questions! “My boss was murdered. Do I have to clean out his office even though that’s not my job description?”

    3. Not playing your game anymore*

      E.J. Cooperman’s Haunted Guesthouse Mysteries.
      Donna Andrews Turing Hopper Series (not as funny as the bird series, but good)
      Charlotte MacLeod Peter Shandy mysteries. (perfect time to read the 1st book Rest You Merry)

      Craig Johnson Walt Longmire, series (not exactly cozy, but not too hard boiled either)

      Margaret Maron, Deborah Knott mysteries.
      Laurien Berenson. Melanie Travis (must love dogs for these and I can’t stand the narrator of the audio books)
      Elizabeth Peters
      Ellery Adams. Books by the bay.

    4. PollyQ*

      Sarah Caudwell’s Thus Was Adonis Murdered, The Shortest Way to Hades, and The Sirens Sang of Murder, although they’re more hilarious than cozy.

    5. GoryDetails*

      Jenn McKinlay’s “Library Lovers” series is fun; I especially like the way the characters all get to talk about actual books they’re reading, in and among the mystery-solving and romantic-complications bits.

      Betty Webb’s “Gunn Zoo” series has its points as well, though the characters get a bit frenetic. I do like the bits about actual animal species and the care and handling of same in a zoo environment; Anteater of Death is the first one.

      Sharyn McCrumb has the “Elizabeth MacPherson” series, which varies from light and snarky to rather bleak, but the early books are fun. I’m especially fond of Highland Laddie Gone, set during some Highland games. [Any scenes involving Elizabeth’s cousin Geoffrey are priceless. Sadly, he isn’t in all of the books, but he does have some stellar scenes in the Highland Games one.]

    6. Hi there*

      I really like the Rhys Bowen Lady Georgie mysteries. The first is “Her Royal Spyness.” The Christmas one is on sale for the Kindle now, I think. (And while we are talking about books, I really enjoyed Hench.)

    8. allathian*

      “The Cat Who…” mysteries by Lilian Jackson Braun. I think they’re the very definition of a cozy mystery. I haven’t read more than three or four, but they’re fun.

    9. Pamela Adams*

      For a classic cozy series, try The Miss Silver mysteries by Patricia Wentworth. She is a retired governess who became a detective.

  77. Nacho*

    Has anybody here ever tried Blue Apron or one of the similar products that ship you ready to cook meals? Are they tasty/easy to make, or is it not worth it compared to just going to the grocery store?

    1. A313*

      They are tasty, but they take longer to make than the instructions say, the ones we tried were are cooked on the stovetop by frying, which is messy, and there is a LOT of packaging to dispose of. They do give you a recipe card so you can recreate dishes you liked, but we actually never did.

    2. PT*

      I have not tried them, but I’ve lived in several apartment buildings where they got delivered, and I have to say, seeing the meal kit boxes sit for hours and hours in the hot summer sun really put me off the whole idea of them.

      I know they’re packed in Styrofoam with an ice pack, but is that really going to hold up for long against direct sunlight on a 90 degree day in some of the US’s lower latitude cities?

      1. university minion*

        Yes, they do! I don’t get them often, but even in the summer, they hold temp (I’m in Florida and my front door faces south).

    3. lazy intellectual*

      I’ve get HelloFresh a couple of times a month. It’s expensive, but I do like the recipes. It’s definitely not cheaper to than the grocery store though. The reason I like it is that it gives me a break from meal planning and shopping for my usual ingredients. I’m not the best at meal planning, and am not always good at knowing what I need from the store for cooking meals, so I like the pre-portioned stuff from HelloFresh. I also get sick of eating the same thing each week and HelloFresh switches things up every now and again.

    4. Pharmgirl*

      I tried Blue Apron a few years back – it was okay. They tasted good, but after a while the flavors seemed repetitive. They also took a while to cook, much longer than advertised. I don’t remember the pricing on this one.

      I’m currently signed up for SunBasket (couple weeks now) and so far I’m definitely enjoying it. The food seems healthier, I’m enjoying the variety, and the cooking times are accurate. They’re fairly easy to cook as well, and they also offer some pre-prepped and even some fully cooked heat only meals. But it’s definitely pricey -$75 for 3 x 2 serving meals. It’s worth it for me now – I’m just exhausted from work, and needed a break from meal planning/shopping/cooking. I’m only one person so I do get more than the 6 servings, and it’s nice not to have to worry about meals right now. But I’m not sure I’ll be using them weekly after the New Year – will probably save them for busy weeks.

      TLDR – in general these plans are good if 1. you’re in a rut and want to try different things and 2. if pricing isn’t a concern, but you’re short on time. It saves the hassle of having to plan meals or go shopping. And it lets you try different meals with ingredients you may not have or want to buy in bulk, since they give you what you need. I think they’re also good if you’re new to cooking since they can help you learn different foods / guide you through recipes. Most should be easy to cook if you like cooking though.

    5. LDF*

      I’ve gotten a box once but was put out by the amount of packaging. I’m sure it varies but anything that ships will have lots of styrofoam or a bunch of icepacks or both. My box was for less than a week of dinners for one person, like 1 or 2 meals with a few servings each, and had 3 giant ice packs. No thanks! I’d love the idea if I could find something local I can pick up, like halfway between a meal kit delivery and a CSA.

    6. Josephine Beth NotAmy*

      We started with a couple of free boxes of Hello Fresh in March, coincidentally the week before pandemic shut down. We didn’t originally plan on continuing but with food scarcity issues in our area and us needing to be strict about stay at home, it was incredibly helpful. We’ve enjoyed 99% of the meals, and the 2 person box generally feeds the 3 of us.
      We don’t do every week – as someone said, the recipes can get repetitive and it’s definitely pricier than buying groceries. But I HATE meal planning and we’ve discovered some new foods we love (and several recipes we recreated or modified) so it’s been a good for us overall.

    7. Miss Dove*

      I know people that love it. I think they just like the idea that it comes all ready to go. It’s one thing they don’t have to think about.

    8. Washi*

      We tried GreenChef when a friend gave us a free week. That one is supposed to have recyclable/less overall packaging, which it did seem to accomplish (though still way more than going to the grocery store.) The food was pretty tasty and one of the recipes was good enough that I recreated it later. The thing is, I don’t really understand how it would save a substantial amount of time. It still took us about an hour from start to finish to cook, so no time savings there, and even if we got all our dinners there, we would still have to shop for breakfast and lunch items.

      Since it takes about 20 minutes/week to meal plan and maybe 20 extra minutes in the grocery store to get our dinner supplies in addition to breakfast and lunch…so a total savings of 40 minutes/week. I could see doing it every once in a while to get out of a food rut, but otherwise definitely not worth the extra $$ for us!

      1. Pharmgirl*

        I think there’s a couple things for the time saving. It’s definitely kit dependent – I didn’t think Blue Apron was quick cooking, but SunBasket seems to be.

        But also, as a a single person, I find meal planning stressful! It’s hard to make sure I’m making enough servings that I’m not cooking for every single meal, but not too much that I’m sick of the dish or it goes to waste.

        Normally too, I wouldn’t say it saves on grocery time as you mentioned. For Covid times though, I don’t really have the time to wait in a long line regularly. Since for me the 3 meal plan usually covers most of my lunches and dinners for the week, all I need is breakfast and a few staples. So really I only physically go to the store every few weeks, and the meal plan covers the rest.

        That said I don’t think it’s worth it long term, but it’s been a nice break these last few weeks of the year.

        One thing I’ve done in the past that’s really more for variety without breaking the bank is a meal plan service…I think they’re less than $10 per month. It’s just the meals and grocery list, but it can be a nice change. I have a few plans saved from when I was signed up a few years ago that I’ll probably go back to in the new year.

    9. GoryDetails*

      There are simple Hello Fresh kits at my local supermarkets (well, Hannaford anyway – not sure if other chains carry them); they run about $20 for a two-serving meal, and I’ve been happy with them. Since I get them at the store the packaging is minimal, mostly recyclable plastic. And the recipes are simple enough that I could reproduce them without the kits if I wanted.

      I did try the kit-by-mail option – I think it was Blue Apron but am not sure now. I really enjoyed the process, especially as one kit featured black garlic (the slow-cooked, nearly fermented garlic that’s caramelized and sweet), something I hadn’t encountered before. The kits did have a LOT of packaging, but there were options to send some of it back – the insulated package liner for one – and suggestions for re-using or recycling other bits.

      While the subscription models seem to offer lots of ways to space out the kits, I still found it a bit much for my budget, so I cancelled after three or four kits, but I did enjoy them.

    10. Cedrus Libani*

      I did a small subscription to Blue Apron, but didn’t opt to continue. The recipes were tasty and clearly explained, even though the stated cooking times tended to be optimistic. Wasn’t a huge time-saver for me, though. I’m the meal planner, but that’s 20 minutes a week, including the part where I order the groceries and they show up at my door. You still have to cook the meal, so you’re not saving time on that. Also, the portions were a bit awkward…the servings were ~600 calories, which is great if you’re small and sedentary (as my partner is), but I am neither. So the two-person box was one dinner and a snack, and if I’m paying for the family box, might as well get take-out that’s cheaper and already cooked.

    11. Thankful for AAM*

      I did Purple Carrot for a few months (we are vegan). I was not worried about cost, I just really wanted a break from thinking about what to cook and wanted to treat myself.

      I used it for my lunches so I cooked every second day and I found the times for cooking were very exact (usually 30 or 40 minutes) but I already know how to do most techniques. If you don’t, it would take longer. The foods were fine, I got some variety I would not otherwise have gotten, and it was an adventure. But I hated all the packaging. Not just the box and ice packs but each sauce or ingredient had its own plastic bag or small plastic container. It was just too much.

    12. Asenath*

      I tried HelloFresh. The meals were good (although in the small sample I had they did seem to depend on the same green vegetable), they were easy to make and I’m pretty sure they cost more than shopping. I stopped getting them because of expense, and also because it reduced the time spent on shopping, which I dislike, but required me to cook which I dislike even more. And I got tired of those sugar peas or whatever they were. They also required me to roast vegetables regularly, which meant I had to either wash my only suitable pan by hand, run the dishwasher more frequently, or buy more pans. I returned to my old methods of cooking extra when I did cook, and freezing leftovers; and buying the better type of prepared meals.

    13. Rusty Shackelford*

      Don’t know if you’re checking answers today, but we signed up for Hello Fresh a couple of months ago.

      The good parts:

      – The meals tend to be pretty tasty.
      – We’re eating more fresh vegetables than we normally would at this time of year.
      – I’ve stopped going into grocery stores for the most part, and am using curbside pickup, which lends itself to “I want to make X, but Wal-mart shorted me on a crucial ingredient” issues. Not a problem with delivered meal kits (although at least once I’ve been missing an ingredient).
      – I’ve gotten tired of meal planning, and using a service takes most of that off of me.
      – It’s more expensive than grocery shopping (they’ll tell you it’s not; they’re lying) but less expensive than take-out.
      – The instructions are step-by-step and pretty easy to follow, and Mr. S has taken an interest in cooking that he did not have before.

      The bad parts:

      – The side dishes are repetitive – lots of roasted vegetables.
      – The portions are small. More than once, we’ve received a total of two carrots as a side dish (for two people).
      – Some of the produce has been old – carrots that are so soft you can bend them in half. I do get a refund whenever I complain.
      – Many of the meat dishes rely on a sauce for flavor (i.e., the meat is only seasoned with sale and pepper), and Mr. S isn’t as much into sauce as I am. Also, I suspect those yummy sauces are very high in sodium.
      – The recipes tend to rely on sour cream when a typical recipe might normally use cream (i.e., in a creamy pasta sauce) which I guess is an easy shortcut, but it gives an inappropriately tangy flavor sometimes.
      – SO. MUCH. PACKAGING. They’ll tell you it’s “recyclable,” but the recycling instructions are “cut open this pack of frozen goo, dump the goo into the trash, rinse out the pack and recycle it” and no, I’m not going to do that.
      – There aren’t a lot of low carb options.

      The box staying cold really isn’t a problem. In fact, we had a box delayed a day due to weather, which means it sat in a warehouse or on a truck an extra day, and the freezer packs were still frozen solid when it arrived.

      We’re planning to keep it up for a while, mostly because it’s gotten Mr. S interested in cooking and actually confident enough to cook something other than tacos or spaghetti on his own.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        This is pretty much my experience with HF too. I live in an apt building and actually once forgot to retrieve my HF delivery before the concierge left for the day, and had to get it the following day. It was still cold! The ice packs still had ice in it.

  78. long time lurker*

    OMGGGGGG! Natalie Walschots is a friend of mine and I’ve been so thrilled for her about all the good press her book has gotten and I’m SO HAPPY you love it!!!

    3. bibliovore*

      I’m reading it right now! Loving it. A unique voice that has been making me laugh aloud. Perfect for these COVID times. I think this is the first time that I am reading a book at the same time as an AAM recommendation.

  79. Major Pettigrew*

    Looking for help finding game apps that can be played by two people but not necessarily at the same time.

    My niece and I lived in different time zones and I’m trying to find some sort of phone app game that we can play with each other. Ideally, it would be the sort where we don’t have to be playing at the same time since we’re not often awake/free at the same time.

    I’ve heard people talk about Words With Friends but I believe you need a facebook account which neither of us have. But something like Boggle, Chess, even Connect Four. It would be awesome if it has a chat function but that’s not a requirement. Thanks in advance for assitance

    2. Michelle*

      Our family plays Draw Something Classic. It is like Pictionary from a distance. You draw a picture, which gets sent to another person. They guess the word you drew (letters to choose from are provided), then they draw a picture back.

      It does have a place where you can send a short (100 character) message after you have solved their drawing, but before you draw yours. You have to be quick to click on the text box though. It only gives you a few seconds to decide.

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      You can play Words with Friends without a FB account. It’s like other Zynga games – you can make a sign-in using email instead.

    8. Anon puzzler*

      Ruzzle is like Boggle, you can compete with each other without being on at the same time, and I’m pretty sure you can chat. Lots of fun!

  80. Keymaster of Gozer*

    A thank you to the fine people who helped me with the issue of my cat randomly attacking me. He’s responding really well to extra playtime and encouragement when he beats up a bit of ribbon rather than my arm. He did do a flying leap onto me from the bookcase earlier (he’s a 12kg cat so ow) but we’re getting there.

    And I’ve not had to go out to buy more plasters this week :)

    1. Cat and Dog fosterer*

      I’m really happy to hear it! The more that people can enjoy every part of their pets, the better :)
      Thanks for the update!

  81. TheBeanMustMoveOn*

    I know this is late, but I hope someone sees it.
    My BIL had Gastric Bypass last year and as a result their family diet has changed. I would like to bake them some treats, and I am wondering if anyone had any ideas about what kind christmas type cookies/treats would be nice to send through the mail to them. I have some other non-food based ideas too like soap and kid puzzles. And I might just go that route. But I was looking for some ideas.

    1. Choggy*

      Why send baked treats at all, too tempting! I would stick with the non-food items (or send nuts?), the soap, kid puzzles, or fun family games?

    2. WellRed*

      Please don’t do it. Stick to non food stuff this year. Same goes for anyone newly diagnosed with diabetes or some other health condition that requires dietary changes.

    4. Your Local Cdn*

      I have had a similar procedure and while its not necessary Christmassy, I enjoyed snacks like rice crackers and spiced popcorn and so forth.

      1. Natalie*

        I think popcorn is plenty christmassy! People give out popcorn tins, and string popcorn for trees and such. It’s totally on theme.

  82. Couch potatoe in training*

    Our couches are beat up (think: 10-20 years old, big holes, broken springs, smelly).

    We have toddlers. We’d like to get a new couch but are debating:
    *New couch of good quality, but with kid fighting things like slipcover or marker resistant material

    *New couch of lesser quality that we get rid of when the kids aren’t quite so dirty. (When is that?? Middle school?? Asking for a friend ;-D)

    What say you, commentariat?

    1. Choggy*

      I would recommend something middle of the road with removable cushions and slipcovers that can be cleaned. Microfiber sectionals are a great option. I would not recommend leather or anything that is really expensive that you would get mad at the kids for ruining.

      1. Couch potatoe in training*

        How does microfiber do with cleaning? I have this image of trying to clean spilled stuff off of it and feel like it would stain but that could be wrong.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          My husband has had our microfiber couches longer than he and I have been together – I think he said he got them twelve years ago now? We don’t have kids, but have always had pets around, and my Junior Ambassador is an EXPERT at slobbering bone detritus all over the thing. Between removable cushion covers that go in the washing machine, and a Bissell green machine spot cleaner, if we actually take the time to attempt to clean it (rather than rolling our eyes and sitting on the end where the dog doesn’t chew her bone, which is admittedly what we usually do when nobody is coming over, because we all have Our Own Spot), it cleans up beautifully. :) And before we had the Bissell, a regular spray cleaner for upholstery did the trick too, albeit with a little more actual scrubbing required.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            One thing about microfiber + slipcover though – if you spill on a slipcover on a microfiber couch, my experience is that you have to clean both the slipcover AND the couch pretty quick, if anything does seep through the slipcover. If it seeps through and you don’t get to it quick, THEN it can stain or even mildew, being hidden under the slipcover. (I just remembered, before husband and I lived together, he and the couches lived with his brother, who had two toddlers at the time. So the couches did survive a couple-three years of toddlers as well as twelve-plus years of pets.)

    2. Observer*

      Middle of the range with removable cushions. Get leather – the middle of the road ones actually hold up better than the high end ones because they use tougher leather. (The idea is that the higher end units have leather that’s REALLY soft and smooth to the touch.) Leather is better than cloth, even with stain resistant treatment, especially with the tougher leather.

      One thing that surprised us is that adapting a regular sofa into a sofa bed (it looked and felt like a sofa, but if you took the top cushions out, you could pull out the bed), actually made the sofa a touch less comfortable (something you would only really notice if you had sat on the sofa with and without the bed inside) but also made it much more durable, because the frame of the bed holds up MUCH better than the normal springs.

      In fact, when we got rid of our last couch, it was still reasonable comfortable to sit on (not sagging, not springs to break) but the cushions were just beyond getting reasonably clean.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I would get something decent but not crazy expensive. Something that you could replace in six or seven years, but that if you kept it through their high school you would not hate it.

      When my kids were young we got a giant slipcover that comes in one piece and that you throw over the sofa like a big shower cap. Then you basically tuck in the fabric around the cushions and tie off the corners at the bottom, and it looks surprisingly decent.

      I can’t remember what it’s called, but if I find an image I’ll post a link.

      The answer to when they stop being a big mess is, maybe? Toddlers make one kind of mess, but ill-behaved teenagers make a different kind of mess. My teenagers were ill-behaved but your mileage may vary.

      1. Not A Manager*

        I got it from surefit dot com. It looks like now they have some fancy-shmancy options with individual cushion covers, but we had the single-piece ones that you see further down on the “sofa slipcover” page. You can see that you tuck in the excess fabric under the back and behind the seat cushions, but you have one continuous surface across the seat of the sofa itself.

    4. KoiFeeder*

      I was damaging the couch well into high school. Not intentionally, and I always did my best to clean up after myself, but that and and two dollars will get you a soda. I’d get something that you can live with sitting on and live with cleaning soda stains off of.

    5. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      My parents got nice new couches when we were ~7-13, thinking that we were old enough not to destroy them. We weren’t. They were not ruined, but definitely not “nice furniture” anymore.

    6. opal!*

      “New couch of lesser quality that we get rid of when the kids aren’t quite so dirty. (When is that?? Middle school??”

      I have teenagers. They do more damage now then as elementary school kids. I’m planning “when the last one moves out” as when we can get nice furniture/dishes.

    7. Anono-me*

      A while ago I saw a story about a woman who had started a furniture line of indestructible furniture. 2x4s bolted together framing and sun setter type fabric upholstery etc. Maybe you can find it or something similar.

      The woman started the furniture line because her husband and sons were so hard on the furniture . (I actually found the family part of the story disturbing. )

    8. Annie Moose*

      Scotchgard it. (some furniture stores will do it for you, although I think this may be less common than it used to be) A good protective spray will make almost any stain come off easily. When I was a teenager, we had a light green couch and everything from pen to salsa to blood ended up on it, and it all came off with ease because the fabric had been treated.

  83. AnonyXmas*

    Does anyone have a parent who insists on sending gifts when asked repeatedly not to do so? My FIL has been asked, over and over again, not to send a check, or other gifts to us, and we’ve even told him we do not like the gifts (prepared meals from a retailer we don’t like). We thought we had finally gotten through to him, but this year, we got the check, (home-made) cookies, and the prepared meals! We were hoping he would at least not sent the meals (baby steps!), and when asked why he did, after being told we did not like them and there is no need to send them, he said he felt bad because he was sending the same to my husband’s brother and sister. There is a back story here, he was not a great parent to my husband, FIL struggled with addiction and his sexuality, and actually got my husband hooked on drugs when he was a teen. Hubby was a full blown addict until his early 30’s (before I knew him, he’s been clean and sober for almost 30 years!), and his FIL is still an addict at 82 (pot and pills). FIL even offered me an Oxy pill when I mentioned I had a stomachache when we were traveling together. Um, no, I’m not going to take a highly regulated, highly addictive pill for a tummy ache! I think he just has a LOT of guilt over his poor parenting, and instead of talking to my husband and apologizing for what he did to him, he sends money and gifts. Very frustrating!

      1. AnonyXmas*

        SIL is fine about (and is always looking for more, so we are even giving her the meals we received), and not sure about BIL but he’s a very easy going don’t rock the boat type of person. They also don’t have the same history with their father as my husband does, neither lived with their father and his drug use/many partners so really can’t compare. I have suggested to my husband perhaps he could talk to someone (a therapist), he tells me stories at times about his past and I just feel so bad about it but I can’t change his past. He doesn’t dwell on it, but it would be great if he could be honest with his father about his feelings. I really think he’s looking for an apology, but I’m sure FIL will just deny it all, because he’s an addict and that’s what they do.

    2. fposte*

      Can you redirect the impulse to something you *would* like? He’s not going to be able to resist gift-giving, so you may have better luck re-aiming the impulse. And can you find a neighbor or co-worker who’d like the meals in the meantime or might even find it a godsend (and of course the check is easily churned into a charitable donation)? I get that you all just don’t want anything from him, but I don’t think you can control that; personally, I’d emphasize how wonderful the check is next year and hope all the weight gets thrown behind it, and then enjoy passing it along to a charity.

      1. AnonyXMAS*

        We give to charity already and gave the meals to his sister. You’ve given me an idea, I will ask my husband to suggest to his Dad to make a donation in our name instead of sending us gifts we don’t need.

    3. Not A Manager*

      There’s a lot of backstory here. I think it might be helpful to ask why you don’t want him to send anything, even a check. When the issue is simply “my in-laws send too much crap and we don’t want it/can’t store it,” there are practical solutions like “just give it to charity.”

      But this sounds more like you and your husband want to maintain some kind of relationship/interaction with your FIL, but you also want your FIL to behave in ways that acknowledge his history with your husband. It also sounds like it’s important to you that FIL accept and respect boundaries that you set.

      But he’s not going to. He’s going to keep sending gifts, and he’s probably not going to apologize for his past actions, and he’s certainly not going to give up his addictions now. If your husband wants to maintain the relationship given all of these things, I really think you’ll be better off not trying to force FIL to obey you about the gifts. Deposit the check if you want to, or give it to charity, and give the food to a neighbor or to a food pantry.

      Since you’ve asked him a bunch of times not to send gifts and he still does, you could choose not to mention the gifts at all when they arrive (he’s probably hoping for some kind of reaction from you); when he asks, you can tell him that you donated them. I wouldn’t get into “because you disobeyed us and we hate that stuff.” He know that. I’d just be bland about it – if you’re trying to preserve the relationship.

      But honestly, if you are trying to preserve the relationship I’d ask myself (or ask my husband) why you are preserving this relationship if you still need to control FIL so tightly and his disobedience makes you so upset. An old guy sending you homemade cookies isn’t objectively that horrible, and if there’s anything worthy about him and about your relationship, it might be easier for you if you can get to a place where you can accept them graciously. Maybe the gifts *are* his way of apologizing, as best he can given who he is.

      I’m not saying that anyone owes him that, or that you’re wrong to be angry. I’m just saying that sometimes “do or do not” is a useful maxim. Do preserve the relationship, or do not preserve the relationship.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        In a parallel thought, some people reduce relationships down to The Gifts.
        Maybe he feels like he is showing you both that he still cares and this is the only way he knows how.
        Or maybe it helps him to feel less guilty for a life time of failures.
        Or maybe his father never once bought him anything and he is not going to make THAT mistake.

        My best guess is that the gifts represent one tangible tie to all of you. He is using the gifts to connect with you on some level. So when the two of you say, “no gifts”, then he has no idea what to do next to connect with you.

        I tend to agree that unless you go with a different relationship or no contact, you will probably keep facing this problem. I estimate your hubby to be around 60? For many people this is a time where they begin to get less and less interested in gifts, because they have STUFF, or because they are picking and want to chose particular things themselves. Can you guys play the “I am older now” card? “Dad, I really do not need or want STUFF. I have STUFF. I don’t need money and I don’t need food. I am older and at this stage a card is good enough.” Maybe he will get that but doubtful.

        You could tell him where his presents are going if he sends any. Sometimes when people know their gifts will not be used by the recipient that causes change.

        My own father was a drinker. I think he was much tamer than your FIL but he and I still had many struggles. The thing that helped me the MOST to put much of that in a calmer place was understanding how he got to where he was. He had an awful life. I sat and cried just because his life was awful. I got to see another side of him, I saw him as what his environment did to him growing up. I am not saying that makes him right or that makes everything okay. I am saying it broaden my perspective and in turn I found some relief for my own story.

        My mother was the opposite story. I found absolutely NO reason for her to be the way she was. And that was a wound that took much longer to knit together. I never learned anything about her. She’s a stranger to me.
        My point here is maybe what FIL can actually do for your husband is to try to describe what his life was like. Again, it’s not an excuse. It’s not an apology. All it is, is a wider perspective. I do know that understanding how my father became who he was has allowed me to rise about some of the stuff that happened. And in other instances, it helped me not to repeat his habits or copy his approaches that didn’t work.

    4. nep*

      Not Christmas so much, but my mom, every flipping year, asks me about what she might get me for my birthday.
      UM, is it that you don’t believe me when I say (as I have for 30+ years), I don’t do birthdays and please if you want to respect me, ignore this occasion. Seriously one of the most frustrating things. Utter disrespect, in my book. I feel for you.

      1. Filosofickle*

        I agree it’s disrespectful. My partner has a sister who gives holiday gifts even though everyone asks her not to. (And she does NOT have that money to spend, but that’s beside the point.) Everyone asks her not to, every year. They have an aunt who literally refuses gifts to the sister’s face. But nothing will keep her from giving us piles of things we don’t want, which are always pretty junky/generic. It’s a compulsion. Happily, my Buy Nothing group has found homes for all of it but I shouldn’t have to get rid of stuff I asked not to get.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Sometimes it’s like a wall goes up and they will never, ever comprehend what we are saying on a given point.

        I’d be so tempted to say, “All I want for my birthday is your promise that you will never, ever mention my birthday to me again.”

        I’m so sorry, nep. Sometimes simple things are just too hard. And they shouldn’t be.

        1. nep*

          Hey, one could have far worse problems, right? (It does go along with a general trend of disrespect though; the relationship is strained at best.)
          I’ve almost said just about that–On a rather milestone birthday, when she did nothing to observe it, I was almost in tears of gratitude telling her, ‘Thank you. I feel respected.’ But, alas…it didn’t last. This year she was OK though. I think–after decades–she’s starting to get it.

    5. Maggie*

      Maybe just start dropping the baskets off at a food bank or homeless shelter? This situation seems really fraught and simply passing it along as a blessing to other people who would enjoy it might be the easiest way out.

  84. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Somehow I lost a pair of leggings that I was wearing. I took them off to change into sweats and then I couldn’t find them. They’re long gone now (we had gone back to our old house to clean up and there were lots of garbage bags which I think this went into), and I’m bummed because they were pretty $$$$ ones (high compression post partum leggings).

    While I can save up to buy them again lol, anyone want to share some funny/interesting stories about something they’ve magically lost?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’ve told this story before, but — I was reading a book and somewhere I lost it. I lived in a 250 square foot studio apartment by myself, no pets, so it’s not like someone put it somewhere. I looked around for a couple of days and figured I must have dropped it on the bus or something. So I went to the used bookstore and found another copy on the dollar rack. It had a different cover, but I figured it was close enough, right? Got home from the used bookstore and my missing copy was on my bed, right in the middle of my pillow, where I could not POSSIBLY have missed it for the last few days while I was looking. Still had my bookmark in and everything. I had shouty words with the Gnomes of Missing Things.

    2. My Brain Is Exploding*

      An eye doctor friend sent me a pair of frames (no lenses, I was going to have those put in where I lived).I took them out of the mailer, tried them on, put them back, and then they were… gone. Not in the trash, nowhere. I never did find them and was too embarrassed to ask for another pair.

    3. D3*

      Bought a gift for my toddler for her birthday. Hid it somewhere, she found it, hid it again somewhere else, somewhere I remember thinking was really clever. Never was found again. When we moved from that house when said toddler was now a college student, still did not turn up anywhere….

    4. Filosofickle*

      2. When I was a wee lass, I loved and lost lots of pacifiers. Goggees, in my language. We moved out of a house when I was 6, and my parents took off the heating vent cover under my bed, and found a pacifier inside.

      2. I had a little black dress, new with tags and in a hanging bag, stashed in the back of my closet. One day I went to find it, and it wasn’t there. I looked everywhere! I have a history of sleep walking & acting out dreams so I checked trash cans, over the railing, anywhere I could have stashed or thrown it as part of some weird dream theater. 15 years later, I’ve never found it.

      3. A wooden Oaxacan sculpture went missing in a move. Unpacked everything, never found it. 4 years later I moved again, and when I unpacked, there it was! No idea how that worked out.

    5. Anono-me*

      No amusing lost and found stories, but I just got an ‘Old Navy’ email ad for compression leggings for women on sale. Probably not nearly as nice as the ones you lost, but a fun coincidence.

    6. Alex*

      I lost a pair of pants over three years ago. I looked everywhere for them, gone.

      Last month, I found them in my car. No, my car is not a mess! They were under the front seat, but like…I clean my car, I swear!

    7. Penguin*

      I have a jacket with an inner, detachable, fleece liner. Or rather, had. I still have the nylon shell, but the fleece liner vanished six or seven years ago. I’m still not sure how I managed to lose half a jacket…

      1. Anima*

        My mom accused me a full winter long of loosing our house keys. I could not remember even having them the day they went missing.
        They turned up next summer, in my mum’s summer pants. It still bafgels me to this day how my mom would not wash her pants before them putting in storage for winter…
        And I did not loose the keys in the first place, which explains me not remembering having them. And that’s how I lost or rather, not lost, the house keys.

    8. Redhairedrunner*

      I had a pair of ugg boots in high school that disappeared in between winters. My mom wouldn’t have tossed them and they never resurfaced. How do two large boots just disappear?

    9. Not So NewReader*

      Over 20 years ago I bought two antique ads for Victrolas. My big idea was to frame them and hang them up over my Victrola. I bought frames.
      I cannot find those ads ANYWHERE. I have looked for 20 years. They are no where to be found. At some point I have emptied everything, cleaned it and sorted it. I have torn rooms apart for painting and still no sign of the ads.
      I don’t dare let go of the frames because that will trigger finding the ads and then I will not have any frames.

      I remember thinking of a safe place to put them so *I* would not accidentally damage them. Where that was, I have NO idea.

      What is most annoying is that I have found other things that have been missing for a year or two. So what is up with the Victrola ads?

    10. ThatGirl*

      At some point in college I lost my camera. It was a nice one, between a point and shoot and an SLR. It had been in my trunk in a camera bag and the next time I went to look for it I couldn’t find it.

    11. HBJ*

      I lost a sewing pattern during a move midway through making the item. That item was unfinished for years through a couple more moves until I finally bought another copy of the pattern. I finished the item and then a few months later, the pattern finally turned up flat against the bottom of a box I’d looked in multiple times. Not sure how I missed it.

    12. voluptuousfire*

      One of my favorite bands would have a mini-music festival over 3 nights, culminating on New year’s eve with them playing at midnight. I went for three years in a row and had a blast and met many awesome people through that band. I bought one of their hoodies on my third trip there and it was fantastic. Good solid weight, sturdy zipper, a good band logo, etc. It had so many great memories attached to it! I wore it for years but had stored it away for the summer. Later that fall, the band had their final tour (the band broke up in 2017) and I went to pull that hoodie out to wear and it was gone! I tore my house apart looking for it. I think it had found its way into the pile of clothes on my floor that I had tossed into a garbage bag, looking to donate. That’s the only way I can think of how it’s gone. :(

      Hopefully it’s giving someone else a great time and keeping them warm.

    13. voluptuousfire*

      Oh, tickets for a concert! I had specifically put them in my treasure chest jewelry box like I did all my concert tickets. The day of the concert came and I went into my jewelry box to get them out and they’re not there. I tore it apart, dug through drawers, no luck. Was so upset since it was one of my favorite bands at the time and of course, the show was sold out! I ended up getting a ticket for $90 on StubHub and ended up leaving halfway through because I felt like crap and was coughing up a storm. Turned out I had bronchitis. :(

      Two years later I was decluttering my room and opened the jewelry box to see if there was anything in there I could get rid of. Out falls the envelope with the ticket in it! LOL. The box was a heavier dark wood and had a curved top and the black envelope had somehow gotten pressed really well up into the curve of the box lid. At least I knew I didn’t lose them!

    14. Suzy Sunshine*

      I once couldn’t find one of my gloves before going to work one winter day, so I just put on my hat and the one gloveI had, and kept my other hand in my coat pocket. When I got to work, I took off my hat, and my missing glove was on top of my head!

  85. Tired of Covid-and People*

    This is Covid Christmas, one holiday season, hopefully just one year in a pandemic that is at its peak. Everybody has to adjust expectations, at least those who respect science and haven’t politicized a germ have to.

    As an introverted person with little to no close family, I didn’t care for holiday season before Covid, and I am probably handling it better than most. In any case, I wish that all get through this as best as possible, and appreciate that they haven’t lost loved ones to Covid so they are still here to visit with by other means than in person. I’m focusing on those less fortunate than me, which puts a lot of this in perspective.

  86. Kate*

    I had a sock mystery. I lost one of my pair of favorite woolly socks that I liked to wear in cold caves (being a caver). I looked everywhere. I put the remaining sock in the caving gear box and hoped. And then I found the other one in the bureau sock drawer. So I went to the gear box to get its mate but it wasn’t there. So I left the sock in the bureau. Later the other turned up in the gear box, yay! But then there wasn’t one in the bureau. I thought I must have been moving the same one and forgetting where I left it. I just couldn’t throw it out so back in the drawer it went. One day I wore my second-favorite socks caving. We were about four hours down and had just turned around to make our way out when I found a sock on a ledge. I put it in my pack, took it home, and its mate was waiting in the drawer. The one I found was fluffy clean, not all sodden and moldy as it would have been had it been sitting underground for ages, so all I could think is that both socks had been wandering around for months by static cling. That one must have clung to my coveralls that day through hours of clambering and down a rappel until at last it fell off right next to the rope. It’s the only occasion in my whole life in which a lost sock was found again.

    1. RagingADHD*

      Socks do not abide by the laws of physics as we understand them. It had to be a wormhole, or something.

  87. ThePear8*

    Anyone know any good online courses for learning Bulgarian? I love learning languages but do better with more of a structured course than one of those sites that just gives you flash cards or something, I’m really not a flash cards person.

    1. Thankful for AAM*

      Check your library for their online resources. Ours has transparent language online and it has Bulgarian.

    3. nep*

      My niece is looking to learn a language and I think she’s liking HelloTalk. I don’t know much about it; have you looked into that? Or is that a little more advanced, once one has a foundation in a language?

  88. fhqwhgads*

    A year ago…maybe it was two…time has lost all meaning. Alison posted something about a modular sofa that she got and turned out to really like it. Anyone remember what that was? I looked into it at the time and was intrigued but our living room couch was still too new to really consider replacing. Now enough time’s passed – or we’ve been sitting on it excessively because pandemic – I’m reconsidering again.
    Thanks in advance.

    3. ButImAGilmore*

      We just bought their sectional and a lovesac (our toddler fell in love in the store) and really like it! A bit pricier than things we saw but very comfy.

  89. StudentA*

    You’d think I’d be used to it by now, especially since I have my own cats, but I can never get over how photogenic your cats are, Alison. Of course, major props to your photography skills.
    You should totally make a coffee table book at least for yourself!

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