weekend open thread – March 6-7, 2021

by Alison Green on March 6, 2021

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: We Run the Tides, by Vendela Vida, about a teenage girl’s relationship with an attention-seeking friend. It perfectly captures what it’s like to be a 13-year-old girl — the shifting nature of reality, the blend of the ridiculous and the profound, and the precariousness of friendships.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. PrincessB*

    Has anyone successfully solved a food allergy mystery? A month ago I ate a samosa with a million ingredients from a restaurant where I don’t speak the language of the proprietors. And my face swelled up and I needed prednisone for 5 days. Since then, periodically my throat will itch after eating, but no swelling incidences. Zyrtec stops the irritation.
    I’ve been tracking what I eat and eating simply, but haven’t found a pattern. I’m curious about allergy tests, but it seems they aren’t accurate? Anyway, if you’ve solved something similar I’d love to hear how.

    1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

      I had the full workup of allergey testing a few years ago.
      First they start with blood testing, which is not accurate, but if enough comes up then they do the actual skin testing. I’ve had crap health my whole life, turns out that I’m allergic to wheat, soy, egg whites and a bunch of minor stuff. Removing it all from my diet has been a life changer.
      Besides physical reactions, wheat allergies/intolerance can cause depression (check), brain fuzz (check) and a whole host of other things.
      If you suspect that you have food allergies, and from your description I agree – push for it! Do not let your doctor refuse!
      Good luck!

      1. PrincessB*

        Oh wow. I’d only heard of skin testing by allergists, which I thought wasn’t relevant since my reactions are internal. Did you just push your doctor to refer you to an allergist?

        1. PollyQ*

          They test all kinds of allergies via skin test, and yes, definitely push your doctor for a referral. Anything that makes your mouth swell up can get worse and cause your airway to close, so it shouldn’t be that hard a sell.

        2. Anon for this*

          I have a lifelong severe allergy that wasn’t officially tested until I was in my late teens. I got a false negative with a skin test and a very obvious positive with the RAST blood test. My allergist said she’d never seen this combination before.

        3. Natalie*

          The effectiveness of skin testing is more about how your specific sensitivity works, not what symptoms you experience. Skin and blood allergy testing will catch IgE mediated allergies, which are the immediate immune hypersensitivity reactions that we tend to think of when we think “allergy”. There are other categories of hypersensitivity reactions, caused by different parts of the immune system. Often they cause a delayed reaction – I know a couple of babies with FPIES, for example, which causes vomiting hours to days after consuming the trigger food.

          The fact that your reaction was immediate and causes swelling does suggest an IgE mediated reaction, and I really encourage you to see an allergist soon, since those reactions are more likely to be life threatening.

        4. PT*

          I did skin tests when I was 18, then the sequence of blood > skin > food challenges when I was 25 or so.

          I know a LOT of people who had really good experiences with theirs, but mine were terrible. I got a ton of false positives that were all ruled out by the food challenges. I spent college and my early 20s afraid I was going to go into shock if I ate the wrong thing and it turned out I wasn’t even allergic to any of those things!

          I ultimately turned out to have one food allergy: it’s one that didn’t show up on either set of tests. Of course.

          1. NotQuiteAnonForThis*

            Proving that food allergies can be utter a-holes. I’m so sorry you spent so much time frightened (been there, done that, its a thing) but questionable results, and as you’ve mentioned the one true allergy never showed up on tests, that had to be a nightmare to straighten out.

    2. Weegie*

      Yes – and it took me about a year! In the wake of medical treatment (chemo) I seemed to be allergic to everything, mostly food-related, and could eat only about 5 or 6 things that didn’t cause a reaction. Eventually got a referral to the allergy clinic, and only because I had experienced some breathing difficulties, throat closure and mouth ulcers.
      The blood tests were a bit useless, tbh – they showed a faint reaction to pears – and the dietician associated with the clinic was worse than useless. But! The allergy consultant was brilliant, and encouraged all her patients to try exclusion diets and gradually adding things back in. She shared what other patients were doing, such as writing to food manufacturers to enquire *exactly* what the non-specific ingredients were in their lists, and she believed us about our findings and allergic reactions rather than rubbishing them.
      Net result: after about 6 months of this, I identified rapeseed oil (canola) as the main culprit. It only caused problems if I consumed it consecutively over about 5 days (I knew this because I bought a packet of biscuits that contained it and ate one every day for a week), and once it had built up in my system it seemed to trigger almost all of my other food allergies. Removed it from my diet, and everything else went away.
      Trial and error – it’s pretty much the only way to isolate whatever is causing the problem, along with a sympathetic doctor and a bit of research; and why not throw in the blood tests, too, but don’t rely on them absolutely.

      1. Kt*

        I did elimination diets with careful record keeping and did identify my wheat allergy, but also some more subtle things: if I have a bunch of fermented things at once (say an evening with wine, fancy cheese, and cured meats, or a lovely lunch with a ton of kimchi and some seaweed stuff and other fermented condiments) then I get terrible sinus headaches within hours and all the symptoms of a hangover without the alcohol consumption necessary for a hangover. Some of these things are sneaky because it’s a confluence of triggers or consumption over a few days, rather than a single item in isolation. Good luck!

        1. Nic*

          That sounds like it might be an intolerance to monosodium glutamate. From what I remember of my own food intolerance imvestigation, fermented foods tend to build up levels of MSG, as do cured/aged meats and cheeses, and seaweed has quite high levels of it naturally. Do you also have a reaction to mushrooms (also high), or large amounts of tomatoes and/or onions (both fairly high)?

          1. Kt*

            Nope, no problem — I can eat tons and tons of tomatoes, mushrooms, and onions, and often do as sauce + a bit of pasta is a staple dinner (I try to overload on the veggies/sauce part and lessen the pasta, by personal preference, even though I know it’s not the Italian way, and I eat a lot of onion). Interestingly, histamine and glutamates are related in that histamine increases glutamine release. So I guess I’m not surprised to hear others have similar symptoms from a different problem.

    3. WS*

      Yes – my mother had a similar experience to you about 10 years ago, and solved the mystery via allergy testing. Unfortunately, it turned out she was allergic to a whole lot of things due to an underlying latex allergy, which is very common in older nurses. Nightshades, melon, mushrooms, sulphites…

    5. 00ff00Claire*

      Do you have a primary care doctor? You don’t mention if you have talked to your regular doctor, but if you have one, I would reach out to them as soon as their office is open. I don’t want to unnecessarily alarm you, but if your face swelled after eating something, then you really should get tested instead of trying to narrow it down via a diary. You may need a referral to be able to see an allergist, but I would make sure any doctor you spoke to knew that your face swelled because that’s a pretty serious reaction. The skin tests do identify oral allergies, but there is more than one type of oral allergy, so make sure the doctors know all of your symptoms. I think a food diary will be helpful if the tests are not conclusive. Hopefully they will be able to find the culprit via testing, but if not please push them to keep looking!

    6. The Prettiest Curse*

      I have a couple of severe food allergies that didn’t emerge till I was in my 40s. I got a referral to an allergist and they diagnosed me via blood tests, skin testing and food challenge testing. Skin testing involves getting a sample of the exact food you had the reaction to, putting a sample on your skin and measuring your reaction. Food challenge testing involves being given progressively larger samples of something which you think could cause a reaction and then bring monitored (this takes place over a few hours.) You should try to get them to prescribe an epi-pen, but in the interim, I’ve headed off reactions by taking 2 Benadryl as soon as I notice an allergic reaction. If this doesn’t work after 15 minutes or so, go to the ER immediately.
      My allergist recommended taking 2 Xyzal or Zyrtec (or generic equivalent) daily to ward off allergies upfront and I haven’t had major issues since starting to do that. My advice is to get an allergist referral ASAP and try to determine which ingredients were in the food that gave you a reaction. Good luck!

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I ended up just eating simply. No restaurants for this kiddo. Well, I do go once in a while but then I am careful afterward. If I eat in a restaurant once or twice a year that’s about it.

      I got pretty sick/run down. It took a few years to learn that:
      Deli meats make my ankles swell.
      Potatoes make me logy to the point I don’t care about stuff.
      Desserts/sugary stuff ramps up my joint pain, headaches and other problems.

      I could go on. But the observations started decades earlier when I finally figured out that others don’t feel the need to double over in pain when they drink milk. Young me thought that was normal. Things came to a head in my 30s when I could not even get out of bed because of exhaustion.

      So I ate only whole foods for about a decade. I did feel better and stopped having random problems. When I started loosening up my plan, I started really noticing what was going wrong. I learned I can have one serving of deli meat and probably be okay. If I ate another serving the next day- the ankles started swelling. It’s too much of a PITA to keep track of when I last had deli meat. So I just don’t bother with it much. Likewise with other foods.

      It’s only been with in the last five years that I finally figured out that gluten was helping my vertigo way too much. (Consider- I have been working at this since 1995.) I got rid of gluten through clenched fists because, Yet One More Thing. Now I see that my sense of balance is much better so it’s not the hardship it seemed to be initially.

      But it’s been just under half my life to get to this point. Of course, YMMV. I did learn that what seems benign today can be problematic next month or next year. The general idea is that at first I downshifted to eating simple foods. After a while, I tried things I used to eat. Since I only change one thing at a time (within a 7 day stretch) it was really easy to see how my body handled that.

      For me in my own setting, your biggest clue is when you said “a million ingredients”, I knew instantly that I would not do well with that at all. I googled to see how these things are made, and yeah, a million ingredients. My body just won’t do well with trying to break all that down. It almost doesn’t matter for me what the ingredients are, there’s just too many.

      1. pancakes*

        There aren’t typically a million ingredients in samosas, though. Potatoes, peas, cilantro, ginger, some spices. Of course any one of these ingredients might cause a reaction in someone with an allergy or sensitivity to it, but the question remains: which ingredient?

        Deli meat is very high in sodium.

        1. AcademiaNut*

          The spices will be the tricky part – there are easily about 20 different spices that could be in the filling, plus whatever’s in the chutney that often comes with it. And some of them, like asafoetida or amchur powder, might not be things you encounter regularly.

          I had a colleague who had what she eventually figured out was an extreme sensitivity to mold that cause reactions with all sorts of foods. She pretty much had to give up eating anything pre-made or that she hadn’t cooked herself from basic ingredients, because it was too hard to find safe food otherwise.

        2. Esmeralda*

          The dough will have wheat flour, salt, possibly some spices, ghee or oil or some other fat. The filling can also have chiles, onion, garlic. Spices in the filling: could be a few or a lot (typical are cumin, ginger, amchur, red pepper flakes; if there’s a spice blend like garam masala then that’s more spices and the exact spices will vary). Then they are fried, so whatever oil they’re fried in. If they’re from a restaurant, then there could be cross contamination at any point in the process of making them.

    8. Laura Petrie*

      I have a mustard allergy. I’ve never been officially diagnosed but I figured it out from reactions I had to food. It is pretty common in Indian food plus loads of other stuff you’d never think of.

      I kept a log on my phone of when I had a reaction and what I’d eaten just beforehand. I realised it was mostly curries, burgers and stuff with cheese sauces. I used to love American mustard with my fries so I’m pretty gutted.

    9. Stephanie*

      An itchy throat after eating is a huge red flag, and it could very quickly develop into a more severe reaction the next time you eat whatever it is that you’re allergic to. Food allergies are tricky that way–you can suddenly react much more severely than you have in the past. I highly recommend that you get a referral to an allergist ASAP. Food allergies can show up on skin tests. (I realize after reading comments that they don’t always, but it’s a good place to start.) At the very least, you need an epipen for potential emergencies, just in case you have a bad reaction. (My son was diagnosed with a peanut allergy when he was three, after having a skin allergy test. On the allergist’s recommendation, we had him retested again when he was older–maybe eight–to see if he had outgrown it or if the severity had lessened. His reaction on the skin test was much worse than the first time he was tested. He’s 19 now, and carries an epipen everywhere, and is very careful about what he eats.)

      1. Stephanie*

        Also, in the meantime, get some Benadryl to have on hand. Zyrtec and Allegra are great for managing seasonal allergies, but they take a week or so of daily use to build up to full effectiveness. Benadryl works much more quickly, and is the gold standard for food related reactions that need more immediate results.

        1. Anonymato*

          I second that – do your comparison. I am in the US, and Epi-pen was prohibitively expensive even with insurance. Auvi-Q was free/cheap and it tells you what to do in case of going into shock.

    10. Quinalla*

      One of my kids has food allergies – had a severe reaction when she was about 19 months – and we got her tested by an allergist using the scratch tests. They are not perfect, but do a good job with someone who knows how to read them. I would highly recommend a referral to an allergist – a good one is so valuable! And yes, they may have you do elimination diets, etc. but it is great to have a professional to guide you through that. For my kid, we knew what triggered the allergist reaction – peanuts which was confirmed – but we also found out she is also allergic to tree nuts and cats and lots of tree pollen.

    11. Chaordic One*

      I’ve told my story here before, but I’m going to repeat it. When I was in my mid-20s I had a whole bunch of “stomach problems” with bouts of cramps, gas, constipation, and diarrhea. I had just started a new job and it was fairly stressful. I consulted a doctor and was told that my problem was that I did not handle stress well and referred for counseling. The counseling sort of helped but, like Not So New Reader, I ended up not eating and I lost a lot of weight and was eventually diagnosed with an eating disorder. In retrospect, I don’t really think I had a classic eating disorder such as anorexia. I don’t think I really had body image issues. I wasn’t eating because it seemed like everything made me sick and by not eating I could have some control over my life and avoid having “stomach problems”. Things improved quite a bit when I quit smoking and I immediately began to put on weight I had lost and I went from being underweight to overweight, but I still had frequent bouts of “stomach problems”.

      More than ten years later I had a stable job and good insurance and was suffering from chronic environmental allergies (think pollen and hay fever). My sinuses were almost always swollen shut and I could not breathe through my nose. I found a competent Ear, Nose and Throat (ENT) doctor who did allergy desensitization shots and I made the commitment to undergo treatment. The first part of the treatment was to undergo skin testing. The results of the testing verified allergies to a number of environmental allergies, including allergies to the most common trees and grasses growing in the area where I lived (which I pretty much knew). They verified allergies to various animal danders such as cats and dogs and horses (which I suspected). (Fortunately, I seem to be O.K. with poodles and doodles and wire-haired dogs.)

      But the big “A-HA” moment was when I was informed that I also allergic to tomatoes, dairy and soy (and some related lentils). It finally explained my “stomach problems”. At the time that I was working in the stressful job, being pooped out at the end of the day and not feeling like cooking after work, I would often buy fast food on the way home from work or I might buy something packaged and frozen that I could pop into the microwave when I got home. I love food with tomatoes and cheese (dairy) in it and was often eating pizza or lasagna or spaghetti or cheeseburgers and fries drowned in ketchup, or mac and cheese, or milkshakes or tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. And these were the things that were making me sick. And soy. They put soy into just about everything. Soybean oil and soybean protein are listed as ingredients in almost everything. It’s so hard to find and buy mayonnaise without soybean oil in it.

      Before I was diagnosed with the food allergies, I did go into anaphylactic shock a couple of times. Once when eating a lunch with sandwiches made from deli meats. (It could have been the bread, the condiments, the deli meats. I just don’t know.) Another time when I had eaten anchovies and capers in soybean oil. (It was definitely the soybean oil). I also noticed that when I took a particular brand of vitamin pill I would get headaches. I later noticed that one of the main filler ingredients for this particular brand of vitamin pill was soy.

      I underwent allergy desensitization shots for 3 years which definitely improved my quality of life with the environmental allergies. (I also ended up having turbinator reduction surgery and my deviated septum corrected which helped me immensely.) I still have allergies to animals and foods. If I have a bad reaction to something Benadryl-type medicines help. But knowing what to avoid has been the biggest help. For a while I had an eppie pen, but they just got to be ridiculously expensive and so I don’t have one anymore, but I do keep Benadryl (or the generic store brand) on hand, just in case.

      I feel bad that it took me so long to figure it out. It seems so obvious now. Like, “Duh!” And, yeah, I really miss pizza.

        1. Chaordic One*

          Thank you for this. It is good to know. I will bring the subject up again the next time I see my doctor and get a prescription for one again.

    12. PrincessB*

      Thanks everyone! To answer some questions- I have a primary doctor but went to urgent care because my mouth swelled up so quickly and it was nighttime. I have seen my primary care doctor but she didn’t give me a referral, just told me to try to get the ingredient list from the restaurant. Based on the replies below in going to push much harder for a referral to an allergist.

      1. Anna*

        I have a kid with food allergies and the process of figuring it all out was hard. We first had a terrible allergist who just handed us a long long list of allergies for a toddler with no real recommendations, guidance, or follow up. After going back to our pediatrician practically in tears he sent us to an immunologist who redid all of his testing much more thoroughly with blood work to go along, and more specific information. Original testing had many false positives. Second doc was also the one to prescribe epipen, even though he has never had an anaphylactic reaction. Her explanation– you wear a seatbelt before you ever get in an accident.
        All that to say a)find a well recommended allergist/immunologist and b) get an epipen.

    13. Galloping Gargoyles*

      If you are open to natural tests and remedies, there is a test a naturopath doctor can do called muscle testing. It sounds crazy but I’ve had it done and it really was helpful. Mine was done in conjunction with acupuncture. Basically you hold something in your hand and the doctor pushes on your arm and if you have an allergy or deficiency you can’t hold your arm up. It sounds crazy and if you don’t experience it for yourself it is easy to be skeptical about. My doc used the acupuncture to help me deal with the intolerances as well as sugar cravings. Good luck! Food allergies/intolerances are no fun to deal with.

  2. McMurdo*

    I’m watching my little sisters for the next few weeks while my parents are on a work trip. They’re in high school, so they’re pretty self-sufficient, but we live in a rural area so they really just need me to drive them places.
    But they each have like three things a week (soccer practice, hybrid school, work, etc.) that they need me to take them to, and some of them are at the same time 40 minutes apart, and I have no idea how to keep it all straight and get everyone where they need to be and also attend my own classes. Advice?? Should I make everyone join a Family Google Calendar???
    (We have another sister who can help occasionally, but she’s working two jobs and is out of the area most of the day.)

    2. 2Teas*

      Is it possible they have friend’s families that are going to the same event? As a parent I would often meet other parents in the same boat. We would work out some ride share plan. Maybe your parents can share how they get it all done.

    3. Not A Manager*

      As a parent who used to do a lot of driving, first, you need to get everything onto one calendar. If their schedules are the same each week, that’s pretty easy, but in any case you need everyone’s week laid out on one grid. They have to be responsible for updating you BOTH on the calendar AND verbally if something changes.

      Second, you need to figure out who you can carpool with. Take turns with other families to drive several kids to the same event.

      Third, sometimes someone is going to be dropped early or picked up late. Tell them to bring their homework. Sometimes to get one person to their thing on time, someone else needs to get to their thing early.

      I don’t understand why whoever used to drive them didn’t leave all of this info for you. Also, why do they have so many in-person events anyway?

      1. Annie Moose*

        Given that two of the ones listed are school and work, I doubt they have much control over whether or not those events are in-person…

      2. Lizzo*

        Going to echo the “why didn’t they explain any of this to you before they left” comment. If they were hiring someone to come stay with your sisters, they would have done so…

        As @allathian commented downthread, if you’re asked to do this again, be assertive about asking what expectations are and getting the info you need re: those expectations. (Speaking from experience, this is good practice for professional life!)

    4. ..Kat..*

      Ask your sisters how this normally works. Ask them to find out if they can catch rides with reliable teammates, school mates, and coworkers.

      1. Juneybug*

        Also get names of your sisters’ friends and their parents as well as their phone numbers. You probably will never need the info but the one time you get a flat tire and can’t pick up a younger sister at a game, you will so glad you have contact info of someone who wait with them or give them a ride home.

        1. Esmeralda*

          Get your sisters to give you this info. They are old enough to take responsibility for assisting you. If they don’t get you the info you need, and don’t get their schedule on a shared calendar, and don’t update you sufficiently in advance when there are changes, then Too Bad So Sad. They’re in high school. They will either miss their event or find a way to get there.

          Yeah, that’s an old school perspective, but: 1.these are reasonable expectations for people their age, 2. If they don’t know how to do this stuff now, they need to learn it before they head off to college or work, 3. It’s the fairest thing for YOU.

          When I was a teen, dad had a car which he took to work. Mom had a car and there were five kids. So you better believe we didn’t have much luck with last minute oops I forgot to tell you I need a ride to my physics study group. Or I left my lunch…

          You’re working and going to school. Your schedule matters too. I work with college students and have some who are responsible for their younger siblings schooling as well as helping their grandparents, and their own classes and part time work. Of course family obligations are important, but you’ve got to meet the obligations to yourself.

    6. allathian*

      I would suggest a Family Google Calendar.

      You also have the perfect right to say as a temporary parental figure that you never signed up for the extracurricular stuff. The world won’t end if your younger siblings miss a few weeks of soccer practice if you can’t deal with it. Next time, before committing to babysitting them, be more clear with your parents what you are and aren’t willing to do for your siblings.

      1. Owler*

        I love a family google calendar, but if they don’t already have one, I’m not sure you will get them to sign on for just a few weeks. Figure out from your sisters how they normally get this stuff done. But by all means, if it helps you remember the times you’re needed, make one.

        In our small family, we basically have a family meeting Sunday night to walk through the schedule, especially carpooling and rides. And then nightly, we check in at dinner about what is needed the next day. I think you could do something similar and then set up your personal reminders (electronic on phone or Google calendar) to get in the groove. Good luck!

    7. Pennyworth*

      Ask you parents how you should manage it – they know you can’t be in two places at the same time and probably have a list of other parents who can help out. They might even set it up before they leave – or if they have already left, ask them to do it now.

    8. Maia*

      Shared Google calendar could work well but my suggestion would be sitting down as a group to go through it together and plan out your next few weeks. Or you could all do it on a physical calendar if you’re living in the same place. Given they are in high school I think it’s ok to put some responsibility on your sisters for keeping track of their schedules and letting you know what rides they will need.

  3. Bindswa*

    Has anyone traveled to Tanzania/Uganda/Rwanda? I’ve booked a one week safari on the northern Serengeti but I have 24 days total to explore Eastern Africa in 2022.
    PS-the trip is fully refundable and I’m responsible, not to mention already vaccinated.

    1. PrincessB*

      That sounds wonderful. Zanzibar in tanzania is definitely worth a few days. I haven’t been to Uganda or Rwanda but hear that seeing the gorillas is inspiring.

      1. Bindswa*

        A gorilla walk is definitely on the list. I was planning to just spend a couple days in Stone Town. Or should I branch out a bit?

        1. Joan Rivers*

          San Diego Zoo has vaccinated some primates after the gorillas got Covid, presumably from staff. Experimental animal vaccine.

          So I hope everyone is keeping this in mind. In zoos humans have always worn a mask w/primates for protection, before Pandemic started, yet some got the virus anyway.

    2. Puggle*

      What style of trip do you have in mind and what are you wanting to see? I’ve traveled to those countries but camping/hostel with a small group tour. One thing that comes to mind that if you are gorilla trekking, you’ll need long sleeved shirts and full length pants to avoid stinging/thorny plants. I got my gorilla permit for Rwanda, but regret not spending more time in Rwanda as it’s amazing.

      1. Bindswa*

        Excellent advice on the long sleeves. The gorillas are fast becoming a must do in my list.

    3. Grace*

      I went diving off the coast of Tanzania – even just snorkelling in the right regions lets you see some gorgeous reefs, but if you have a week to spare, doing the diving course that will allow you to go deeper for longer might well be worth it.

    4. Elizabeth*

      Just because you are vaccinated doesn’t mean it’s OK to travel. Vaccines aren’t 100% effective and even vaccinated people can get mild cases. Remember that like 30% of mild cases still result in long covid. Also vaccinated people can probably still spread the virus to others. You were privileged enough to get a vaccine before others including many in communities of color and need to think of others more than travel.

      1. Risk Manager*

        This is fair but I also think people should be able to plan travel and talk about travel as well. I would hope we should give the OP benefit of the doubt that when 2022 comes if it’s not responsible for her to travel that she won’t?

      4. Patty*

        Seat belts aren’t 100% effective, people still die in car crashes. Sunscreen isn’t 100% effective, people still get skin cancer. Nothing is ever going to be 100% effective. As long as you take reasonable precautions and accept the risk, live your life.

      6. Jim Bob*

        This is exactly the messaging that’s making things worse by depressing vaccine acceptance.

        If it will never be OK to do anything again, even another full year in the future, why take the risk with a new, unlicensed vaccine? The way we get people vaccinated is to give them hope for the future, not moralize at them.

        1. Bindswa*

          Thanks Jim Bob. I didn’t want to dignify that comment with a response but I’m definitely aligned with your perspective. Let’s embrace the vaccine and be hopeful but responsible while moving forward.

        2. Emma*

          To be clear, the vaccines that are on offer are licensed in the counties they’re being offered in. I can’t say for sure that this is the case in every single country, but certainly vast majority, including all the countries most represented among AAM commenters.

          1. Jim Bob*

            The vaccines are authorized for emergency use. They are not fully licensed, because long-term safety data doesn’t exist yet.

      7. Bluephone*

        The trip is in 2022, FFS.
        It is really snotty if you to assume that the commenter “stole” a vaccine out from under someone “more deserving.” They could be an essential employee (maybe even an ICU doctor GASP). They could be over 75. Or themselves part of a community that’s having trouble getting vaccinated. Or maybe none of those things apply. Either way, everyone would be better off if you got off your high horse for 30 seconds, especially about stuff that doesn’t concern you at all.

      8. Nancy*

        It is perfectly fine for someone to plan a vacation a year in advance and to talk about future travel plans.

        No vaccine is 100% effective. No clue where you got that 30%, do you have a source for your claim?

      9. The Other Dawn*

        Wow. It’s perfectly fine to be planning a 2022 trip–I am, too. By then, everyone who can and wants to be vaccinated very likely will be. There’s nothing irresponsible about planning a trip a year or more away.

        Also, people posting here, or really anywhere, about things they have done during the pandemic, are actually doing now, or want to do at some point shouldn’t have to add a disclaimer every time saying they’re being responsible, use PPE, wash their hands, will be vaccinated, etc. But I know why people do it: so they don’t get told they’re being a terrible person.

        1. Bindswa*

          Thanks for the vote of confidence. And that’s exactly why I added the postscript-to avoid judgement. It almost worked. Lol
          Good luck on your adventure too! It’s so exciting to plan travel again, isn’t it? My mental health has improved dramatically during this trip planning session. It brings me joy.

          1. allathian*

            I hear you. I usually enjoy planning trips even more than actually going on them.

            I’m sorry you got so much pushback when you posted about your future plans. I’ll be charitable and assume that most of the negative posters thought you were planning a trip for later this year, which I think would be irresponsible.

            An additional problem is that while COVID numbers in many African countries have been relatively low, the biggest reason for this is that it’s very hard to get tested, so a lot of cases don’t get diagnosed.

      10. RagingADHD*

        No, we don’t know that vaccinated people can “probably” spread the virus. There’s insufficient data one way or the other.

        And no, 30% of mild cases don’t turn into long covid.

        Misinformation and pseudoscience are just as destructive when you’re urging caution as they are when covid deniers talk about the vaccine containing mind-control chips.

    5. GoryDetails*

      I was fortunate to be part of a two-week trip to Kenya and Tanzania with a group of friends back in 2001 – absolutely stunning from start to finish. In Tanzania the high point was the visit to the Ngorongoro Crater, spectacular views and wildlife galore!

      We did have a pretty comprehensive tour package with a very able guide, which helped a lot with travel arrangements, getting through customs with minimum hassle, that kind of thing – not sure I’d have coped nearly as well if I’d tried to arrange such a trip outside of a group.

      One tip that I wish I’d paid more attention to going in: it’s a very long flight, and I didn’t stay as well-hydrated as I should have, which may have contributed to ongoing headaches and general not-feeling-well. I can’t be sure that was the only cause – the dramatic change in climate, altitude, and allergens could have been more significant – but more proactive self-care might have helped. I enjoyed the trip anyway, but would have had an easier time (and got more sleep) if I’d planned better re the hydration and antihistamines and, just maybe, getting more exercise before I went.

      Hope your plans work out, and the state-of-the-world allows you to have a safe and enjoyable trip!

      1. Bindswa*

        Ngorongoro Crater looks fantastic. I feel like I’m going to be weepy the entire time I’m on safari. I absolutely can’t wait. And thanks for the motivation to get in better shape. I want to be present for every moment. Lol

        1. Bindswa*

          Also! Thanks for the positive thoughts. I’m definitely going to be safe but it feels so so amazing to be planning travel again.

    6. PX*

      Try and spend some time around Lake Victoria if you can. There are high end places which look really decadent if you want to treat yourself, or other more affordable options, but it’s quite pretty and a different side to the region.

      If you want more than just safari, spend a few days in a capital city of your choice and get a feel for the culture and what life is really like. It’s easy to stay in a bubble if you’re just on guided tours (which is fine if that’s what you want).

      Eat all the fruit. Drink all the passion juice.

      If you’re into coffee, maybe visit a coffee farm. Rwanda will probably have more options but you can probably find one in any of those countries.

      1. Bindswa*

        Any recommendations for around Lake Victoria? Just somewhere to kick off my own research would be appreciated.

        Any other foods to try? I can’t wait to guzzle gallons of passion fruit juice. I love it so so much.

        1. PX*

          Just had a Google to refresh my memory but I think Rubondo Island which is on Lake Victoria is the place I had heard mention as being worth a visit – think its on the Tanzania side. The other place which is actually Lake Albert is Murchison Falls (Uganda). I’m not sure how much you want to do as far as your own research, but Abercrombie & Kent are a travel agency who have had offices/tours in that region for years, so might be worth looking at their packages for inspiration if you havent already come across them.

          As far as food goes. Gosh. All of it? I’m an adventurous eater with a tough stomach so I will generally try anything and dont get sick. I also firmly believe in eating street food as well – generally I’d always aim to eat what the locals eat :D Ask your guides for advice as well!

          But off the top of my head, if you head towards Zanzibar – all the stews/curry type things are obvious (its not referred to as spice island for nothing). Drink proper masala chai while you’re there as well. Mahamri/Mandazi (donut equivalent-ish). Achari (dried spiced mango) if you can get it. You’ll often find goat meat is the predominant meat in that part of the world, its delicious, enjoy it however its cooked. I know the rolex (omlette + vegetables wrapped in a chapati) is a Ugandan staple, I’ve personally never had it but it sounds good to me. Banana beer if you drink alcohol. Matoke (cooking bananas, similar to plantain) – usually found as an accompaniment to a stew.

          1. Bindswa*

            PX! You’re like my personal travel guide. I really appreciate the effort you’ve put in to your comments. You’ve pointed me in so many right directions. You sound like my type of traveler.
            My husband is excited to spend a little time on either lake and do some fishing…apparently not during a full moon, as I’ve just discovered. Lol
            You’ve really given my a lot of knowledge and confidence in the direction I’m taking this trip. Thanks again.

            1. PX*

              You’re welcome! I’ve spent a fair amount of time in that part of the world and just want more people to experience it and see how awesome it is, so always happy to talk about it :)

              I hope you have a great trip – come back and update us once it’s happened!

  4. Casper Lives*

    This was a really hard day. I had to say goodbye to my cat of 18 years. He’s been in my life longer than he wasn’t. It’s been a decline with some chronic illnesses, but I didn’t expect the vet to call me a few hours after drop off and recommend I let him go that day. He was such a sweet, gentle cat that the vet’s office put “prince” in his file. (His bonded brother of 12 years doesn’t have that note, let’s just say that).

    It feels like I said goodbye to a person. Not a cat. I feel guilty and second guessing even though I’ve known it was coming. I was planning on getting a few more months and planning out a full day to love him first.

    Anyway. Sorry to get anyone down. I can’t seem to sleep yet.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      >It feels like I said goodbye to a person. Not a cat.

      Sounds like he was with you for more than half your life — that’s a significant chunk of time. Many years ago a friend, grieving the death of one of her own cats, said, “Love is love.” May this give you comfort. I’m sorry for your loss.

    3. Derivative Poster*

      I have been there and it is so hard. Wishing you the best as you get through this time.

    4. Jackalope*

      I’m so sorry. Losing a pet is so hard. Take care of yourself in whatever way works best, and be gentle with yourself.

    5. Not A Manager*

      I love that the vet put “prince” in his file. What a nice comment on your cat.

      I’m very sorry for your loss.

    6. Felis alwayshungryis*

      It doesn’t matter who you said goodbye to – love is love, and it hurts when we have to do it. It’s normal to second guess and wonder if it was the right thing to do, but I think it’s better to let them go a week too soon than a day too late.

      I’m sorry for your loss. He must have been a lovely cat.

    7. Analog*

      I’m so sorry for your loss, Casper Lives. I’ve lost two cats very suddenly too — one who was seemingly healthy up until about a week before he passed, and another who was perfectly fine that morning but gone by that evening.

      On the opposite side of the spectrum, I’ve had family members who have had much longer goodbyes with their beloved pets, where the boundary between when their pets are managing to cope and when their pets are constantly suffering is a lot more blurry. I’ve seen their agony as they go through the difficult decision process of when the right time is to let go — it’s a decision that really weighs on them.

      It’s so, so hard, no matter which scenario ends up happening. It sounds like you gave your cat a wonderful home and a wonderful life for many years, and his absence will be acutely felt for a long time, but at the same time it sounds like you did your best to act in his best interest, so please don’t feel guilty over that.

    8. Liz*

      I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I had to make the same call yesterday too and it’s heart wrenching. Not a slow decline in our case, but a sudden, unexpected cancer diagnosis in January followed by a rapid decline. I hadn’t expected her to fade so quickly but I realised over the past few days that she had reached that time. She was a young cat still, but her spark had all but gone, and the few glimpses of her old self were becoming a rare sight.

      It’s awful having to make the call. It feels like such a responsibility and there’s always that voice that wonders if it’s too soon. I was still asking myself “could we try this treatment? This shot? Would a change of food encourage her to eat?” But we reach that point where we’re buying time for ourselves, not for them, and it takes courage to say “it’s time”. There will never be enough time to let them know you love them, never be enough days to say goodbye, but I believe they do know we care, because we show it in all the days and years before.

      You’ve done the right and kind thing by your cat. It might not mean much, but I’m in the same boat with you today, and I’m sending solitary hugs your way. I haven’t slept much, I’m still crying. It will hurt for a good while yet. The other cats have barely left my side and I think they know.

      Many, many loving thoughts from one Cat Guardian to another. It’s awful to have to say goodbye, but so, so wonderful to share our lives with them.

      1. Quiet Liberal*

        Oh, Liz! We experienced the very same thing last April. I have a video of our dear cat rolling around on the grass playing with a leaf she found. Three weeks later she was gone from aggressive stomach cancer. I completely know what you are going through; I am so sorry. Our beloved pets are so much a part of our lives that of course we are devastated when they leave us. I’m going to go hug my dog and new kitten.

        I’m so sorry you guys are grieving your dear pets.

        1. Liz*

          Oh that’s awful, I’m so sorry! Three weeks is no time at all to come to terms. That must have been devastating.

          We at least had a little longer,
          but again only a matter of weeks. She was perfectly fine up until a couple of months ago when she developed a squint in one eye. I took her in expecting some eye drops, but they couldn’t find anything wrong with the eye, just a lesion in her mouth on that side, which they thought might be infected. But it didn’t respond to antibiotics, so a couple of weeks later I booked her in for a biopsy, and the vet was as shocked as we were that it came back as adenocarcinoma with evidence that it had spread to her lymph nodes (the squint was most likely a tumour pressing on a nerve). She was only 8. We chose to have further screening done to have an idea of how far it had spread, and the xray showed evidence of widespread masses on her lungs. Another 2 lumps appeared on her throat a few days later, and her weight dropped from 3.8kg in December to 3.05kg last week. She wasn’t eating and you could see her struggling to breathe. She was spending much of her time hunched over in this defensive crouch, a far cry from the playful cat we knew, and that was when we knew it was time. We were able to go in with her to say goodbye, and she fell asleep in my lap with her head on my arm.

          Cancer is such a strange beast. One of our older cats developed masses on her liver and kidney and is still going over 2 and a half years later when we expected her to fade. Her weight also dropped, but she eats well, and has stabilised and gained a little back. Aside from medication for her kidneys and a low dose of steroids, she is largely unchanged. She is old and frail and her legs aren’t too good, but she is still bright and mobile and is currently sprawled on my lap having a snooze. Even 2 years ago, we were amazed she was still with us, and we never had expected her to go this long, and certainly never thought she would outlive her much younger sister.

          My thoughts go out to all of you in the thread who have lost a beloved pet. It’s the sad truth that most of us will outlive our animal companions and many will have to make the tough call. But the joy they bring to our lives is more than worth the sad times, in my opinion. I wouldn’t be without them.

    9. Zooey*

      I’m so sorry. Pets have just as big a role in our lives as people, it’s so hard to let them go.

    10. sswj*

      Damn, I’m sorry. I have (and have had) many cats, but there are a few who have been so much more than pets, they were dear friends. More importantly, I was their person. They wanted my company, interacted with me differently, and it was very clear that *I* was *their* friend – they chose me. It’s an honor to be so loved by a cat, and it hurts like hell when they have to leave us.

      I lost my most recent Best Friend not quite 2 years ago and finally I can think of him without tearing up (well, except for now). I loved him beyond all things, and having to say goodbye was one of the hardest days ever. I truly feel for you, this sucks :( It sucks even more that doing the best thing we can for them tears us in two.

      I’m so sorry :(

    11. nep*

      Sending you love. There’s nothing like that pain, and I wish you didn’t have to feel it. That’s how big your love is for him.
      When our 17-year-old was ill and we were worried about bringing him in ‘too soon,’ not wanting him to suffer but not sure whether it was ‘really’ time, I came upon a line that really helped me–roughly: For the cat’s sake, better a week too early than a moment too late.
      Take the time to grieve. Wishing you peace and healing.

    12. Hotdog not dog*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. Really, the only negative part of having pets is that we have to say goodbye too soon.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      Bless the beasts and the children….
      When the darkness surrounds them;
      Give them love, let it shine all around them.
      — Karen Carpenter

      The innocence and sincerity of the being seems to ramp up the sense of loss and grief.

      Our pets become corner stones in our lives, they anchor us. Their consistency, even their bad habits, can be oddly reassuring especially in an uncertain world. They do serve us and they forever impact the course of our lives with their subtle comfort. We become something better because of them. We don’t ever lose that part, even when our little buds depart from our lives. They leave their mark on who we are and who we become. We get to keep that part.

      So very sorry.

    14. mreasy*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you gave him a wonderful long life, and that he was an exceptional fellow. Of course you’re devastated to lose a best friend. Sending love to you from a stranger on the Internet.

    15. Grim*

      I know exactly how you feel, as we just had Laps of Love give our precious Skouby cat his passing to the bridge 3 weeks ago.

      Still getting crying spells and hearing his calls inside the house. His older brother cat is still looking for him and crying when he can’t find him.

      Time will help, but you’ll always remember him. One day, your smile will come before the tears.

    18. Catten Mom*

      I’m so sorry to hear about the passing of your prince. Pets are beloved family, and it’s okay mourn the loss.

    19. the cat's ass*

      I’m so sorry about your kitty (or as May Sarton used to say, your Fur Person). Of course youre heartbroken-he’s been in your life for more time than many others! I wish you the best as you navigate through losing your little prince.

    22. Black Horse Dancing*

      Companion animal-human bond is as strong as person-person bond. I grieve with you.

      It breaks your heart every time. My deepest sympathies.

    23. Okay, great!*

      He sounds like an awesome cat, and like he got a lot of love. If the vets office marked him down as a prince, I’d bet he brought a lot of joy to others lives as well. Losing a pet is very hard, and i wish peace for you in the coming days.

    24. Canuck girl*

      I’m so sorry for your loss! I had two cats before and cried very hard after both, I feel for you. They were dear best friends and members of the family. I’ve had a new kitty for the past few months and he’s definitely like a lovely best bud already that I can’t imagine life without. Pets are amazing companions in life, take the time to mourn yours and take good care of yourself. *hugz*

    25. NoLongerYoung*

      sending you a hug. my heart goes out to you. They are never here long enough for us to fully express our love…..

    26. Clumsy Ninja*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. As a veterinarian, I would tell you that you made the right decision, but the hardest decision. And I think sometimes cats sneak up on us with how hard it feels, because they are often a quieter presence in our lives than dogs. But they’re just everywhere in our lives. Virtual hugs to you.

    27. noblepower*

      Thinking of you – losing a loved one hurts your heart, and the bond we have with our pets can be incredibly deep. I hope that you are able to cherish the happy memories and that they will ease your pain over time. There’s no “good” way to lose a beloved companion…

    28. JelloStapler*

      Oh that’s rough. Pets are such a hard thing to lose. He’s been with you for a long time, of course you’re grieving. I hope you are bring gentle with yourself.

    30. CSmithy*

      I’m so sorry. <3 This is always so hard, even when you know you did right by them.

      "…planning out a full day to love him first." This is beautiful, but remember that he had a whole 18 years of love from you! He was a lucky cat, I'm sure.

    31. Paralegal Part Deux*

      I’m so sorry. I had to do this last year with my cat of 16 years who’d had a stroke. I know it’s hollow comfort, but it does get easier with time. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    32. LogicalOne*

      I am so, so sorry to hear about your fur baby passing. May his memory be eternal.

  5. Kuododi*

    My heart aches for you and your precious, beautiful kitty. DH and I had to say goodbye to our beloved Grandpa Doxie about 6 weeks ago. Needless to say, the tears have been copious. May the Holy One give you peace as you learn to navigate life with out your furry companion.

    Blessing

    1. Joan Rivers*

      Queen Latifah lived to 20 and it was so hard to have to choose to let her go, but it was very clear it was time and I couldn’t know how much pain she might be in.
      But the moment I saw her eyes close I actually felt a sense of peace, for her. And spirit never dies, I still see a flash from the corner of my eye sometimes and know it’s Latifah.
      We do it for them.

  6. Not my usual OP name*

    Wondering if anyone has had this or can offer advice?
    Woke up the other day with a pain down the side of my jaw and ear. It hurts to open my mouth to eat. Doesn’t seem to be anything in my actual mouth that’s sore. Help?

    1. not that kind of doctor*

      Probably an ear infection that’s inflaming the Eustachian tube too. Internet says to wait and see a doctor if anything starts oozing or if it doesn’t get better after a day or so.

    2. PollyQ*

      Not a doctor, but I do know that there are various bits of anatomy in that area that share nerves, leading to what’s called “referred pain” which can make diagnosis tricky. My advice is to call your primary care doctor or go to a walk-in clinic.

      2. Joan Rivers*

        Cheap dental clinic diagnosed that I had “ear pain” and not dental problem, and was given antibiotics that subdued it partly.
        Finally went to a better dentist that did x-rays and diagnosed a root canal needed!
        Which, despite its bad rep, was not awful — it felt better than the pain I’d been in.

        Don’t be afraid to get a correct diagnosis.

        1. Gray Lady*

          I have always said by the time I’ve needed a root canal, the procedure itself was cake compared to going through the pain I’d been suffering.

    3. Jay*

      I’ve had lifelong ear infections, and some of the really bad ones could cause that.
      Any pain, blockage, or unusual discharge from your ears?
      Another time, I managed so sleep in some way that my lower jaw was sort of open and tilted to the side. Sort of like if you waggle your lower jaw from side to side, but it stays to one side for like 8 hours with the full weight of your head behind it. I’m not describing this well at all. But it did stress the joints something awful.

      1. Grace*

        Yeah, I’ve slept with my jaw pushed to one side (I sleep with my hands tucked up under my chin, so clearly had my lower jaw resting on a hand instead of my pillow) and it hurt to move my jaw for a while, until I figured out what was causing it. Once I stopped doing that, it sorted itself out within a couple of days.

    4. AcademiaNut*

      Issues with the TMJ can cause that sort of pain, and difficulty opening/closing the mouth. There’s a ton of stuff online about it.

      2. Canuck girl*

        Yup – I had this in the summer – ongoing earache that wasn’t an ear infection. It was a TMJ issue from clenching my jaw too tightly that I had to get treatment for. My physio who treated me and my dentist told me a ton of ppl have been having these issues since covid started.

        1. Beatrice*

          Yes! I go to a massage therapist for some shoulder issues, and the first time i was able to go back after lockdowns started, she checked my jaw for pain also, and said tons of her patients have had issues because people rest their mouths differently when wearing a mask. I started paying more attention and realized she’s right…I often hold my jaw at an awkward angle or move it awkwardly to keep my mask in place without touching it with my hand.

    5. Skeeder Jones*

      Jaw pain can also be an unexpected sign of heart issues or a heart attack. I don’t know the rest of your health to say if that is a likely issue for you but it’s good to keep in mind. Outside of that. I agree with the other posters, there’s a lot of referred pain in that area, I’ve had horrible earaches following dental surgery and jaw pain with an ear infection.

    6. WS*

      Jaw pain can be a large number of things and should be checked out by a doctor in case it’s one of the serious ones. In the meantime, soft foods and damp heat (wheat bag, hot flannel) applied to the area can be very helpful.

    7. Helvetica*

      I tend to get that occasionally because I grind my teeth at night. It just means I am too stressed.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I’d start by checking with an experienced chiro. Something might be out of alignment. Have you hit your head on anything lately. Doesn’t even have to be a hard hit, to knock something off kilter.

      1. Sylvan*

        If you think something’s dislocated, please go to urgent care or an emergency department, if possible! Getting it put back into place quickly and correctly makes recovery sooo much easier.

    9. rkz*

      Do you have any swelling? I had an infection in my salivary glands about a year ago that started with some pain in my jaw and gums and then escalated to terrible pain and swelling in my cheek definitely one of the weirdest things that’s ever happened to me! You can also get stones in there apparently which can cause similar levels of pain and swelling. Mine seemed to be viral so just lots of hot compresses until it passed.

    10. Techie*

      Please go get checked out by a doctor. It’s not super-common, but jaw pain can be a symptom of something serious.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Especially if it’s the left jaw. But it could be any number of things including TMJ, ear infection or a jangly nerve that randomly acts up. OP should email the doctor with details on the symptoms and proceed from there. A trip to the dentist might be in order, too.
        I hope it’s temporary and very fixable!

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Google parotitis, if the symptoms match get a covid test–I read elseweb this morning a post that it’s turning up as one of the weird occasional side symptoms.

    12. ronda*

      I had side jaw pain and went to dr…. no answer, just recommended pain med.
      But later went to dentist and found out needed a root canal. said that pain may have been the tooth nerve. At the time it didn’t feel like it was tooth related.
      maybe try dentist if dr doesn’t seem like identifying problem.

    13. Sylvan*

      Could you see a doctor? Unfortunately, this kind of pain has a lot of possible causes, but a doctor can help you work it out.

      Also, just a thought. Have you seen a dentist recently or do you grind your teeth? Sometimes either of these things gives me a similar feeling. A dentist strained some muscles around my jaw* and they act up if I stretch them (like you do in dentist appointments) or grind my teeth.

      *I don’t 100% understand what happened lol

    14. Swift*

      That sounds a lot like what happened to me several years ago: in the middle of the day my left ear/jaw started hurting whenever I moved my head or opened my mouth. It gave me a headache bad enough that my boss told me to go home. Ending up seeing my dentist about it, they did an X-ray and diagnosed TMJ. Treatment was going to PT for a while (mostly posture exercises and head massages, it was great). It still flairs up sometimes but it’s never hurt as much as the first time.

      I hope you can get it checked out and that it’s not too bad! And that it stops hurting in the meantime.

    15. CatPerson*

      Pulled muscle. Do some careful stretching, slowly opening your mouth and holding, slowly closing, repeat.

  7. Princess Deviant*

    Could also be grinding teeth and TMD. Definitely go to see your GP or PCP who will recommend next steps. If you’re grinding your teeth, your dentist can make you a mouth guard for wearing at night which is very effective in reducing jaw pain.

  8. WoodswomanWrites, wondering how to shrink a video*

    I’ve recently started taking nature videos with my camera. They look good on my laptop and I’d like to post them on my WordPress blog but the files are huge. I’m not tech-savvy for video, and Google and WordPress forums both take me to multiple leads that I don’t understand. I know there are ways to shrink my video files to post on YouTube but there are so many programs out there that I can’t figure them out. Or is Vimeo more user-friendly for these things? I appreciate any advice. I’m willing to pay for whatever programs might work for a hobbyist, as long as they’re not crazy expensive. Any suggestions on how to convert my videos to smaller files I can share online?

    1. Not A Manager*

      What kind of laptop do you have? If it’s a Mac, then when you export your video you should get a menu with how much resolution you want.

    2. AcademiaNut*

      On the free and good quality end of things, HandBrake is great. It’s available for Mac, Windows and Linux.

      Once you download it, fire it up, open your cellphone video as input, then go to the presets tab and choose a web format (one of the Vimeo options would be good). Then hit start. It will convert your input video into something appropriate for a website, without you having to know what the settings mean.

      There are a ton of things you can change yourself, but the presets are pretty good, so you can ignore the rest.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        My videos are on my Nikon camera, not my phone. Would the program work in that context?

        1. Nela*

          In any case you’d need to copy them from the recording device to your computer before converting them.

          1. AcademiaNut*

            Yes – transfer to the computer fist. They’ll probably be a file with an extension of .mov (or maybe .mp4 .mpeg .avi .mkv) or something like that, but the program should read it in fine.

    3. chi chan*

      So some formats are basically more heavy than others. Consider converting it to mp4 format. You can do it in windows media player. That said how long are the videos? Too long and maybe you can split them up. No need to pay you can do it in windows media player. Look for videos on youtube for windows media player. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Rad7LwzZX8

    4. WS*

      Handbrake is a great, free program that will put video files into any format at any size you like. You just need to get them from your camera to your laptop then “open with” Handbrake and choose your format.

    5. The Cosmic Avenger*

      If you post them on YouTube you shouldn’t have to shrink them at all; YT adapts the stream based on the size of the active player, plus they’re hosting the file itself. The initial upload might take longer, but I think it’s worth it to allow people with bigger monitors to see a sharp rather than fuzzy video! (I’ve done this for clients before.)

      1. Nela*

        Yeah that depends on your internet connection speed and video length. Sadly I don’t have a choice but to reduce video size and quality because they regularly end up around 3–5 GB in size and take about the same number of hours to upload.

    6. WoodswomanWrites*

      I appreciate the helpful comments. The longest videos are 30 seconds and most are shorter. One other question–is there an advantage to using Vimeo over YouTube?

    1. Skeeder Jones*

      Hi! I collect Woodstock (from the Peanuts). I probably have close to 50 items, maybe more, I never really count them. I am also obsessed with trees, specifically birch trees, and have a ton of tree-themed art.

    2. Princess Deviant*

      I suppose I might call myself an eyeshadow palette collector. I have 31. I know others will have much more, but I like to use them as much as possible. I do think I have too much to use all of them regularly, so ideally I’d have less than, say, 20, but I also like to look at them, and swatch the colours, and mix and match with colours from other palettes so…they bring me joy and I’m not getting rid. Whenever I have some spare cash I buy another (all vegan and cruelty-free).

      And books.
      If my Kindle weighed as much as the books I have on there then I wouldn’t be able to lift it up. And then there’re the paper books too on my bookshelves.
      My tsundoku gives me much joy too; I’m not getting rid of any of them :)

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have collections of Funko pops, Disney trading pins, and “antique” Apple computers (1983-2001, currently, so not literal antiques by the general definition but def antique for computers). But I’m super picky about all three as far as what I add to the collection – all the computers still actually work exactly as originally intended. There’s only one style of old Apple that I’m still actively interested in adding – a Cube.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      I have an old house (1735), so I’ve started collecting things like stone crocks from the 1800s, primitive wooden bowls and spoons, and furkins.

      2. Amity*

        Your collection and decor sounds very interesting! If you ever post them anywhere public please let us know. If you’re not comfortable doing so I totally understand, but if you do I think you’d have a ready made following. : )

        1. Amity*

          Err I meant if you ever post pictures anywhere public. Although I’m sure you figured that out!

        2. The Other Dawn*

          I keep a personal blog and have a few posts with my finds, if you’re interested. I have more items, mostly crocks, grain scoops, and candle sconces, but no pictures yet. One day we hope to replace some of the furniture, like the dining room table and bedroom furniture, with primitive/early colonial items. That will take a while though!

          Here are some of the vintage Christmas ornaments I’ve found (I buy those up when I find them): https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2018/12/merry-christmas.html

          And here are a few posts of some of the wooden spoons, bowls, and a few other things. Most of the stuff on or next to the desk are also flea market or antique store finds: https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/search/label/antique%20store%20goodies

    5. sswj*

      Apparently I collect cats :p Not figurines, the real fur n’ claws kind. I have 15 and would have more if I could!

    6. nep*

      In the ’90s I collected matchbooks. I would write the date and the occasion and/or person I was with. It’s crazy looking at those today.
      Also in the 90s, I worked in an office that received mail from all over the world. I’ve got some cool stamps from that period.

    7. Doctor is In*

      Elephants. I have over 100 figurines, stuffed toys, art prints, etc. 45 years worth.

    8. Perstephanie*

      A small but epic collection of books on interior decorating written in the 1950s and 1960s.

    9. Llellayena*

      Teapots! I think I’m up to about 20 (small apartment limits adding more). I like ones with unusual shapes. I have an adorable one that I call “kissing Buddha face!”

    10. Nicki Name*

      I’m a lifelong gamer and I collect dice! I have all sorts of dice I can’t actually use because they have weird numbers of sides, or are pretty but hard to read, or use non-Roman numerals.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I collected dice as a kid! Totally forgot until I saw your comment. I wonder if I still have them somewhere.

    11. allathian*

      Moomin mugs. I’m not a serious collector and don’t have any very valuable pieces. They’re in daily use anyway, except a few that are worth a hundred or so euros, which I keep in our glassware cupboard.

      1. londonedit*

        Same! I don’t really collect anything in particular, but I do have a lovely collection of Moomin mugs.

    13. Dark Macadamia*

      I’m glad you asked this because it made me remember a bunch of collections I had as a kid! I knew I collected candles but thinking about it I also had piggy banks, novelty dice, and a bunch of souvenir spoons (the ones that have an image of a famous landmark on the handle). I think the only collection I still have is the 56 original Nancy Drew books – I was collecting them before the internet was a thing you could use for that, so it involved years of checking used bookstores, garage sales, antique shops, etc. My mom kept a list in her purse of the ones I already had.

      The only things I collect as an adult are a specific Hallmark ornament series and the little seasonal birds from Target (not all, just ones I really love – there are currently 5 of them that take turns being displayed throughout the year).

      1. allathian*

        As a child I collected stamps for a while, although never in any particularly serious way. I liked the colorful ones. I also collected beer bottle tops. My dad was a beer aficionado when I was a kid, and while the craft beer movement didn’t exist yet, he’d travel quite a lot on business and would bring me some exotic ones.

    14. MissCoco*

      I collect lab glassware, particularly small glassware.
      I have a set of vintage pharmacist measuring beakers, and a lot of tiny round bottom flasks And beakers, but my favorite is a 0.5mL volumetric flask – last commonly used in the days before micropipets!

    15. Generic Name*

      I collect rocks, gems, and minerals. I have a small (and illegal) collection of found bird feathers. You could say I collect Polish Pottery. I use it as my every day dishes, but it’s mostly my mom who buys it for me.

        1. Tortally HareBrained*

          In the US at least most species are protected under the Migratory Bird Act. This prevents collection of eggs, nests and feathers. Found feathers are protected since they are impossible to for law enforcement to separate from poached feathers later, since the feather itself gives no indication of how it was collected. Plus being able to sell found feathers creates a potential market, thereby leading to more poaching.

          Many people collect things they find and just keep it to themselves. For a private collection you aren’t doing environmental harm if only picking up things you find, but on a larger scale it’s easier just to protect them all.

        2. CoffeeforLife*

          You might never come back to see this but :) feathers are protected, as are all other bird parts including nests and eggs by the Migratory Bird Act 1918 to keep from killing birds to collect them. This protects native species (over 1000) but not European or domesticated ones (turkey and chicken).They can’t tell if a feather was collected from the ground or plucked from the bird. Indigenous Americans use them in ceremonies so they are allowed certain ones.

      2. CoffeeforLife*

        Ohh, I love polish pottery! Between my mom and I we have an extensive collection. All purchased in Poland. Sadly I lost half my dinner plates in a move. But I love to mix and match all the patterns! Honestly, I have too much including candlesticks, tea service, children’s tea service, decorative eggs, etc!

        1. Generic Name*

          I’ve gotten like 90% of my pieces from tj max, but I haven’t seen any there in a long time.

    16. Jackalope*

      I collect autographed business cards. I started this when I was in high school, and now I have a wide range of cards from all different parts of my life, including friends/family and random strangers (I’ve only ever had 1 person turn me down on giving me one). Most people are tickled to be asked for their autograph, and then I can look back later on the memory of the date/place where I got the card. I also have some “heirloom” cards from people I care about who have died, or who got married and changed their names, or who have now retired, so it’s fun to remember who they were at that moment in time. Plus, for a while I was moving around the world and couldn’t carry a huge collection with me, so a stack of business cards was the perfect size to toss in a carry-on or backpack if I had to move.

    17. Queer Earthling*

      I collect dolls, mostly Asian ball-jointed dolls. (My spouse does, too; our combined collection is 7 dolls with two more on the way.) I love that they’re customizable and I love making and buying things for them; therefore I also have a collection of doll clothes, doll wigs, and doll care equipment!

      I also seem to have developed a plush dragon collection without noticing.

    19. Chaordic One*

      I collect Barbie dolls and their related accessories. I have about 15 dolls from the 1960s and 1970s. I also have several of the more fancy collector dolls from the 1990s and more recently. And I collect a couple of the Hallmark Christmas ornament series (the little houses).

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I have a collection of Russian lacquerwork boxes. I didn’t intend to start collecting them, but I bought one, then another, then I visited St Petersburg on a cruise and bought a few more.

    20. Barbara Eyiuche*

      I collect postcards, Christmas tree ornaments, movie posters, and books. I definitely have too much stuff for my house, but I’m hoping to get it all organized this year.

    21. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Does accidental collector count? I like buying makeup. shoes. clothes especially South Asian dresses that I’ll never really have much opportunity to wear esp nowadays. They used to bring me joy but I’ve been grappling with a shopping addiction for quite a while now.

    22. Yenda*

      Hubby and I collect LEGO. We’ve been building and collecting for a little over 7 years.

    23. Dancing Otter*

      I apparently collect yarn and fabric, as my stash grows faster than I can use it.

      1. SarahKay*

        I, too, collect fabric, along with dress-patterns and good intentions about making clothes. I have made some items, but my fabric buying is definitely in excess of my making.

    24. ThePear8*

      I obsessively collect keychains. It’s as though I’ve developed an internal radar to seek them out in every gift shop I pass. I link them together and hang them on my wall and it brings me a lot of joy.

      1. Lcsa99*

        I collect keychains too! We have them linked in a long chain circling our kitchen, and have 200+ (I would guess close to 200, husband thinks it’s closer to 500). Don’t know why, but I’ve been drawn to them since I was 10 or 11.

        It’s frustrating that you can’t always find them places you get other souvenirs. But we’re always looking!

    25. Heartlover1717*

      I collect hearts. I have heart-shaped hatboxes, pushpins, stones, tap lights, candles, etc. My favorites are ones that chime like Baoding balls. I’m always on the lookout for unique heart-shaped items…

    26. Beauceware collector*

      I only have a small collection, but I think of myself as a discriminating collector! :)
      I collect Beauceware. It’s a type of pottery made in Canada from 1939-1989. I mostly stick to the midcentury modern stuff.

    27. littlemoose*

      I’m a deltiologist — I collect postcards. I have postcards from every continent except Antarctica. My most far-flung ones are from Senegal and Bhutan.

    28. Might Be Spam*

      I collect clay cookie molds and cookie stamps. Most of them are heart shaped and some are animal shaped.

  10. Lizabeth*

    I’m thinking about getting a Wacom tablet to start learning how to use it. Anybody here have any experience with them they can share – good or bad?

    1. Anonymath*

      I purchased one of them at the start of the pandemic, but not for their primary advertised use. I needed a tablet that was more responsive than my iPad so that I could film lectures from home and have a whiteboard-like way to demonstrate mathematical examples. The tablet works well so far and was easy to set up and use. I purchased the Bluetooth enabled one and that works as well. Can’t speak about how well it works for art, but it works very well as a portable writing tablet.

    2. Nela*

      Which model? I’ve been using an Intuos model since 2007, never had any problems with it. It was pricy at the time, but considering that I use it every single day it has paid off. I don’t use a mouse at all, and I recommend any new users to forgo the mouse because you adapt to the tablet faster that way.

      I haven’t used any of their models with a screen yet, but several of my friends were very happy with them.

    4. ThePear8*

      My first tablet was a Wacom Intuos Pro and it’s fantastic! Absolutely love it. It’s not a display tablet so there is a bit of a learning curve to get used to watching the screen when you’re hand is moving over the tablet, but it’s a wonderful tool.
      HOWEVER, I urge you to research other brands as well – a lot of people aren’t aware there are other brands of tablet than Wacom and they are of equal or even better quality and significantly cheaper. I decided I wanted a display tablet so I could draw on the screen and just upgraded to a Huion Kamvas 13 and I LOVE it. It was half the price of an equivalent Wacome One display tablet. I looked up the comparison and they are pretty much exactly the same except the Huion tablet actually had even better pen sensitivity and was much cheaper, so don’t think Wacom is the only option!

      1. ThePear8*

        Basically, in my experience Wacom tablets are fantastic, but extremely pricey and there are options that are just as good or better than Wacom that are much easier on your bank account.

        1. Ey-not-Cy*

          My daughter, an animation student, bought herself a Huion Kamvas Po 24 this time and she loves it. She wanted a big one and this one is much cheaper.

    5. Selene*

      If you’re starting at the very beginning of learning to how to create digital art with a tablet, can I recommend a Huion 1060 plus? I got mine for around $60 USD ($80 AUD) and I absolutely love it.

      If you google ‘beginner budget tablets’ or something along those lines, you should get a list of some alternatives.

      I know people love the Wacoms but that they’re expensive, so if you’re not 100% sure it’s the way you want to go with your art, I definitely recommend trying something cheaper to start out with

    6. cyanste*

      I absolutely love my Wacom tablets, but the answer is really going to depend on you as a person and where you are with your art journey. I started off w/ a second-hand 12″ one with a monster of cables, then eventually bought a 32″ pro after trying an ipad pro and non-Wacom pen display between.

      The biggest downsides are really how expensive Wacoms are. I love my pro, but really wish it cost half the price to pick one of these up versus how much I spent on it. It serves as my main monitor because of the size so it’s dual-purpose… but still. It’s also a monster size-wise.

      The upside is that these are just reaaaally fantastic, and the only similar competitor (in my opinion) is the ipad pro. They have two different feels but capture art strokes and colors very well, with my only complaint about the ipad pro just not being big enough at times. I always recommend the ipad pro if the Wacoms are too expensive because it’s such a good alternative and good for beginners, plus it’s multi-functional.

  12. AnonForThis*

    (Anxiety/Depression in loved ones)

    Anyone have tips for how best to support a loved one (husband) with anxiety and depression stemming from a terrible childhood? He has an ACE score (adverse childhood events) of 5 or 6 depending on how you classify things. Primarily emotional neglect and abuse plus mental health issues in both parents. He’s been unpacking the damage over the past few years and has made wonderful strides but it’s… a lot. He’s waiting for another new med to try which we are hoping will help.

    We talk openly, we’ve established strong boundaries with his family of origin, we are planning to move away from his home state this summer. All things considered he’s extremely high functioning at work and at home with our toddler. I just know that he’s struggling because, well, he’s my spouse and I see the stuff everyone else misses. He only has a couple of friends left. His pre-college crowd is pretty immature and more or less dumped him as he became too successful. He wasn’t supposed to be the one who “got out” and built a good career and stable family. We’re investing in those two friends and they’re actually whisking him off to a cabin next month.

    Still, I just wish I could do more when he gets lethargic or self critical or has nightmares. Open to any ideas or just to hear that I’m not alone and need to hang in there. He’s an incredible partner and father even though his jerkbrain lies to him.

    1. AnonForThis*

      Edited to add that we’re both in our early 30s and big fans of Captain Awkward. He’s read Karyl McBride’s “Will I Ever Be Good Enough” among others. I think we’re doing all the right “stuff” (therapy, meds, family boundaries, regular exercise). This forum has been so valuable in the past for ideas and solidarity and kindness that I’m hoping to stumble across other things I can/should be doing as a caring partner.

    2. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

      You sound like a very loving partner.

      Two things that come to mind, although obviously speak to him about how they sound.

      – Camradarie around theraputic techniques. It can be isolating for people to feel like they need “remedial” help while others don’t, so I know some people feel less alone to see others using these tools as well. So, for example, if he practices grounding techniques learned in therapy, or he has a self-compassion workbook, doing some of that yourself.

      – Being kind to yourself and aware of your own needs. It’s easy to set aside our feelings when other peoples’ needs feel more ‘pressing’ or serious, but that’s not sustainable. (and if we don’t communicate our feelings proactively, they sometimes force themselves out in less-than-ideal ways…)

      1. AnonForThis*

        Had a comment but it got deleted. Booooooo.

        Short version – thank you for the wonderful tip on workbooks! I just bought a self compassion one. When we started unpacking this a few years ago I started reading everything I could get my hands on and the tips and tools were as much if not more amazing for my relationships than they were his. Many of the tools work magnificently to smooth out the bumps with work colleagues or spot some of the weird patterns in my own family. His entire clan is committed to their particular dysfunction so I don’t think the techniques are as satisfying for him which is pretty sad.

        He’s been a great partner to me when I’ve struggled so I try to remind him that I’m doing what he would do for me. Depression tells so many lies.

        Thank you again for the kind words and advice!

          1. AnonForThis*

            Ah sorry I should’ve specified. Got deleted *by my browser* (I was on shaky internet). Thanks for clarifying!

    3. Myrin*

      You sound like you’re already supporting him very much so first things first, please don’t beat yourself up if you find that you can’t do any more than what you’re already doing.

      Second of all, my younger sister also has depression and anxiety with roots in her childhood/adolescence, as well as PTSD (any chance the latter has its hooks in your husband, too? It can be kinda hard to spot and/or lumped in with depression but there are some distinct coping mechanisms which my sister has found extremely helpful).

      What very important in our relationship is that I very often ask her what she wants me to do/how she wants me to react. Should I let her mope around the house for a few hours or would she rather I distract her by watching a funny video together? That kind of thing.

      It’s also that you (general you) shouldn’t always allow the jerkbrain to go wild and untamed. Sometimes my sister can’t get out of bed but I really need her help with something regarding our whole family – often chores-related – and then I’ll have to basically “force” her to do the thing and it actually ends up helping her because it re-calibrates her sense of normalcy. It’s a bit of a trial-and-error thing but over the years I’ve developed a pretty good feeling on when it’s best to leave her completely alone and when her episode is more “superficial” and a simple “can you please peel the potatoes for me?” helps her getting out of her funk.

      All the best!

      1. AnonForThis*

        This part of your comment x1000:

        “ What very important in our relationship is that I very often ask her what she wants me to do/how she wants me to react. Should I let her mope around the house for a few hours or would she rather I distract her by watching a funny video together? That kind of thing”

        Even after knowing each other for over a decade, I still have to remember to ask. In my family, we handle some of the stress of mental illness with jokes. It has been such an effective coping mechanism for me that it took me a looooong time to realize that while it worked sometimes for him, other times it was just too painful.

        Trauma, it’s the worst.

    4. Jay*

      You’re not alone. Hang in there. I mean that in all seriousness. You are doing everything you can to support him and he is doing very hard work, which you know.

      It’s so, so hard to watch your partner struggle emotionally. I have been both the partner and the depressed person. The hardest lesson I’ve had to learn is to detach from his moods. That doesn’t mean I don’t care – it means I don’t get on the mood roller coaster with him (this will also be vital when your toddler becomes a tween and teen). And I had to seriously, deeply, invest in my self-care. That means, among other things, that I get enough sleep, exercise regularly, meditate or pray almost every day, and spend time connecting with friends. It also means I say “no” to things that other people want me to do, which is hard hard hard. I was not raised to put my needs first. I was raised not to have any needs and certainly not to have any needs that conflicted with the needs of my male family members. Turns out my male family members are fully capable of taking care of themselves. Huh.

      What do *you* need in order to hang in there? A therapist of your own to process everything and focus on your? A weekend away with your friends? A dartboard with a picture of your mother-in-law taped to it? That would have been my choice for a few years….

      You’re doing great. This is marathon. Self-care is how you stay in shape for it. Gentle hugs, if you want them.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        >A dartboard with a picture of your mother-in-law taped to it?
        I don’t have mother-in-law issues, but thank you for the laugh! Much appreciated. (It’s not the cruelty of causing pain but the cartoonish delight in offloading one’s anger…like scrubbing the bathroom floor while imagining that I’m cleaning the evil intentions of [Fill In The Blank: cancer, pollution, dictator du jour…].)

        You lightened my load on a difficult morning.

      2. AnonForThis*

        Thank you for the reminder that it’s a marathon (and for the gentle internet hugs, gratefully accepted)!

        Over the past few months I have been investing in my health. Drinking more water. Eating more vegetables, exercising at least every other day. I’m actually out of the house for this weekend to recharge my batteries (vaccinated, driving distance trip).

        I’ve decided on this trip to block a few of his family members. That probably seems dramatic but I just had this epiphany moment of pure clarity that these folks made my husband suicidal not once but twice. Even if we could do more somehow. Even if their dysfunction and harm wasn’t to the level of broken bones etc etc, we still get to leave. I think the expectation of family closeness is so deeply ingrained that I forgot that we don’t actually owe anything to the people who hurt us. And we don’t need an airtight legal case to be “allowed” to leave. It’s almost like divorce. We don’t need to have “tried everything” before pulling the plug. Especially with abuse. Who cares what other people think? You’re always allowed to leave.

        1. allathian*

          Good insight. I hope you can help your husband realize that he can go no-contact with the people who hurt him.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I think it’s super important to understand that once we reach “safety”, a whole bunch of stuff can come flooding forward. Kind of like a flying brick wall. ouch. This is only happening because now it is safe to look at what was going on.
      With this in mind, you can say things such as, “You are safe now and it’s okay to finally look at this stuff.” Where you have openings you can say, “Those things will never return to your life. You have resources and autonomy now that you did not have back then.” Eh, just having the vocabulary to say, x or y is happening is a huge change from childhood.

      To me, the hard part was each decade of my life just reveal another layer of my mother’s failures. As I went along I watched what other women took for granted and I never even saw. That was hard because I wanted the revelations to just stop. I wanted to stop having reinforcements that I got the short end of the deal. But even on into my 50s I found new things that I did not realize a good mother does. Then one day, I said to myself- this is just how it’s going to be. I will always notice things that other mothers do and my mother never even thought of. I just decided to accept it- it was exhausting the other way.

      I think taking charge of filling in my own knowledge gaps helped me. Encourage your husband to read. Read on subjects that he feels his knowledge or insight needs to be increased. A neglectful parent can skip things like how to budget, how to take care of your own body, how to be a good friend to people and so many other skills. Tell him to pick an area that he feels is sagging and read. Even googling and finding good sources online can be very supportive in filling in those knowledge gaps.
      I read some where and I just so appreciated the concept that we need to be good parents to our own selves. This can mean making sure we have food and clothes. But it can go beyond that, it can be making sure we figure out the answers to our own questions about life stuff.

      It was not long for me and I started to actually enjoy googling for the answers to my questions about life stuff. It turned around from being a sad/angry thing to a total feeling of empowerment. I am always looking up something. And I often see links here in the comments section that I check out because I want to know what things interest other people and why. What was once a sad thing turned into one of my joys in life. That’s odd, who’d thunk.

      Other than that my suggestions are to load up on fresh fruits and veggies as the emotions can drain the body of vitamins and minerals. A fortified body, means improved brain function, which in turn means a person can process their circumstances better. Hydration is important. It’s so easy to forget about water intake. But proper hydration encourages proper organ function, which goes back to a body that is working correctly supports the brain in the work that the brain has to do. I like soups and veggie drinks. They can be comfort foods but they are also loaded up with nutrition that the body can easily absorb.

      Never underestimate the power of taking walks together. Walk together on a fairly regular basis. Even if you just go for 15 minutes a few nights a week. Couples who walk together routinely can strengthen their marriages and each other. Talk about the day, talk about life, talk about your hopes and dreams. Walk and talk.

      1. AnonForThis*

        I read your comment to my husband because it struck such a chord with me, especially the word safety.

        Once our son was born, everything changed. And we knew that we would do ANYTHING to protect him from the dysfunction and cruelty my husband experienced. We originally thought we could stay in this state (which we love) but we just can’t risk getting sucked back in. So we’re moving not quite across the country, but a 15 hour drive away. I get it now why people need to leave not just their home town but even their home state and sometimes their country.

        I can 1000% vouch for the walking together. And long drives. It’s when we’ve had some of our best and most difficult conversations.

        I’m going to try and prioritize getting more veggies for both of us. We love roasted veggies but I don’t always make the time in the evening. We do bagged salads even though they’re more expensive because we actually eat them. I’ve been eating a bit of junk food while on vacation and it’s kind of fascinating how quickly my body protested to the rich fare! I’ve actually be craving fruit and greens in a way that I didn’t think was possible.

        I’m so sorry about your mother. My grandmother was a bit like that. She had severe mental illness and could be quite cruel and I remember feeling so jealous of the classmates who had the cookies and hugs grandma. I love the way you’ve reframed your story to find joy in treating yourself to new knowledge and self kindness.

    6. ThatGirl*

      Hi, so, not the same roots but my husband has struggled with anxiety and depression since long before we met. You’re not alone, but I had to realize that there was only so much I could do. I encourage my husband to take care of himself and his mental health, we’ve had talks about how I can best support him, but I’m not his counselor. I can’t take that load on, and neither can you.

      So: talk to him. Make sure he has a Team Him, that he stays in touch with his friends, has a therapist, regular med checkins. And then make sure your needs are being met, because you have to take care of yourself to be a good partner to him.

      1. AnonForThis*

        This. We had some really hairy conversations before I finally broke down and said that I’m not a therapist. He needed someone with professional training to handle some of those conversations. He deserved to have someone with expertise to hear him and help him. I told him cost was not an issue and I would pay any amount to support him. Love does not make me a master plumber/electrician/carpenter. Why would it make me a psychologist? It’s ok (better!) to pay for an expert. Now I can still listen but know that if it gets too complicated I can have him make a note to bring it up with his therapist.

        1. allathian*

          There’s also the point that therapy often requires a neutral third party, and someone you’re in a romantic relationship with simply can’t be that person by definition.

      2. AnonForThis*

        10/10 on getting a therapist. Love can’t make me a master plumber/carpenter/electrician, why would it give me psychology credentials? It’s ok to bring in the experts. Experts cost money. It’s worth every single penny.

      3. AnonForThis*

        My comments keep getting eaten but YES. Love does not make me a master plumber/carpenter/electrician. So how could it possibly make me a medical and therapy expert with years of training? We pay for experts because they’re worth it. And he’s worth it. Took a while to convince him but I think he gets it now. And now I can listen but know that there’s a professional on hand for the big stuff.

        1. ThatGirl*

          There’s a synonym for counselor that I’m pretty sure gets flagged by the filter every time, I have seen my own comments get moderated because if that. The software used to show me it was pending moderation but doesn’t anymore so you think it got eaten.

          Anyway, I’m really glad you’ve gotten to this point. Just remember ultimately you’re there to be his spouse, you can love and support him but his health is his to deal with. And I hope that he offers you that, too, and takes care of you when you need it.

    7. AnonWithPTSD*

      It sounds like your husband and I had really similar childhoods. I agree with a lot of the other advice given here and will add:
      -Be sure your husband knows he can take some time/space in a separate room when he needs it. Having a direct conversation about this, like “Do you want to be alone right now? If so, that’s okay and know that I love you.” can really help.
      -Consistently check-in with him about when touch feels safe. For example, ask before you hug him, rub his back, etc. during his moments of distress. It may feel very counterintuitive to resist physically consoling your husband when he’s anxious/stressed, but for those of us with childhood trauma our bodies can misinterpret gentle touches in those stressed moments (even though we may rationally understand that we’re safe).

      You sound like a loving, supportive person! Good on you for figuring out how to help him :)

      1. AnonForThis*

        We’re living in a 3bd/2ba with my parents (pandemic childcare) and our son so that’s a really good reminder on space! I know he does sometimes need to just zone out and decompress and that’s really only possible in our room.

        For touch, funny enough he’s the total opposite. He needs to be touched and it brings him a lot of comfort. I can probably do a better job of random hugs and cuddles since they’re good for him.

        Thank you so much for sharing your experience and for the kind words! I didn’t expect such a lovely outpouring of ideas and warmth but it’s been so restorative.

        1. allathian*

          Yeah. I’m fortunate enough to have been raised in a loving, if not very touchy-feely household. From an outsider’s perspective, I can imagine that sudden touch would be more distressing to a person who has experiences physical abuse rather than neglect or mental or emotional abuse.

  13. Princess Deviant*

    This has been asked before, I know, but would like some up to date answers.
    How do you get everything together in life?! Like cooking healthy stuff, shopping, looking after the house and pets, working, & exercising, if you’re on your own? I don’t think these are impossible things to do reasonably well on a regular basis but I struggle.

    I feel like at least 1 of these things has to give. I always take care of the cats, it’s me I let go. If I’m working, I struggle to get exercise and fit healthy eating in. If I plan my meals and get some exercise I’m not working. If I do my hobbies after work I’m usually too exhausted to cook something healthy or clean up, so just heat up a ready meal.
    Then the next day I’m cleaning up so I don’t have time to do something nice like read or exercise.
    I feel like this should be easy… But it’s not?
    I do have problems with executive functioning, so one of my coping strategies is to shop for food everyday, which doesn’t help, but there’s no way I can plan a whole week’s worth of meals.

    1. WS*

      In my case, moving to a rural area where I have to do a weekly shop was very helpful – I cook a healthy meal base and eat it all week. (If it’s protein based I’ll add different carbs, if it’s carb based I’ll add different proteins, but it’s the same base meal.)

    2. TechWorker*

      Be kind to yourself? Re: work I think it’s important to remember how much you’re actually getting paid for and what breaks are reasonable to take. Can you fit 30-40min exercise into your lunch break for Eg? (Might even make you feel *more* productive at work?).

      For healthy eating – cooking and planning absolutely does take time and energy, so again I don’t think worth beating yourself up about it. Could you find maybe 1-2 meals that you could cook each week that will give leftovers and then manage the rest of the time on ready meals or ‘freezer food’? Or buy stuff that just really involves assembly or sticking in the oven vs any actual cooking? I’m veggie so for us that might look like veggie chicken bits, rice in the rice cooker and some green veg, or frozen pastry thing, sweet potato fries and some spinach/tomatoes.

      Cleaning is hard and I’ve struggled with it since getting our cats because I feel like they make everything a bit dirtier (hair everywhere, and some litter tracked). Honestly for that I just accept that the house is going to look a bit gross on a Friday and I need to dedicate a chunk of Saturday to cleaning. Post pandemic we are probably going to look into hiring a cleaner but I know that won’t work financially for everyone. Good luck!

      1. Princess Deviant*

        This is so lovely, and has really helped me think about some things a bit differently. Thank you.

    3. Quandong*

      I live on my own with just one cat and I work longer hours during the week than I’d like.

      It may be that your feeling that this should be easy just doesn’t reflect the effort and time it takes to do everything. From what you describe you are doing more than me! Later in the week I need more sleep and downtime, and have to let a lot of tasks fall by the wayside for the weekend. What you describe sounds a lot like my experience.

      Ready meals and quick, no-cook meals are something I am eternally grateful for, otherwise I’d be missing out on foods that are good for me to eat. I’ve ended up with a minimal effort cooking routine so I don’t need to think too hard about food on work days, or take time to cook from scratch when I’m exhausted.

      Anything you can do to minimise food shopping and preparation gives you more time to do other things. As food preparation always needs to happen somehow, I wonder if it’s a worthwhile use of your time and effort to get help to make a food plan. Are you a person who would try getting pre-made food delivered? One of my friends has found this suits her needs and she can make large orders, stock her freezer, & literally not think about buying meals for weeks.

      On the whole I love living on my own but the repetitive cleaning, laundry, and food preparation gets to be a drag at times. Please be kind to yourself, you’re definitely not alone in making trade-offs so you can get necessary work done & some recreation and exercise for your wellbeing.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Thank you, it’s very good to know I’m not alone! I have been thinking everyone has got it together except me.

        1. the cat's ass*

          OMG, that is SO not the case. Rotisserie chicken was a lifesaver for me when i lived solo (could give a little to the kitty, too)! Also got a rice cooker ages ago so that made starches easy, then a box of salad. I sent all my laundry out to a local laundry. My apartment was pretty small, so cleaning was easy. I look back on those days with longing because my life had so few moving parts, and i still did not have my shit together. Fast forward 30 years, and i still don’t. Rotisserie chicken and trader joes premade meals still save me at the end of a long exhausting day (I am married to a terrible cook but he does house clean, so breaking even there), and i do have an inhouse washer and dryer. And I still feel like it’s more important to take a walk after work than vaccuum. Mental health is far more important than crumbs in the rug. You are more than okay!

        2. Jean (just Jean)*

          >everyone has got it together except me

          Oh hell no! Stick with me, let me show you pictures of my living space, and you’re gonna look like Martha Stewart.

          Modern life is overdemanding. It’s all too easy to end up in Crud City by the end of the work week.

        3. Sylvan*

          They don’t. They have at least one relaxed are that’s where you can’t see it. Or they have an SO or someone else and they’ve shared responsibilities so each of them does what they’re good at.

          1. Sylvan*

            There’s a typo in my second sentence, but it’s also not a very good sentence. Here’s a rewrite: They have at least one part of their life at a managed-but-not-expertly level that’s simply not noticeable. It could also be something that you’re not inclined to judge or something that’s typically private.

        4. tiasp*

          HA HA HA! I do a LOT of volunteering, so I get a lot of comments about how do I do it all. Well I don’t work full time and I do NOTHING in my house, that’s how. Try to have clean clothes for everyone (and a couple of them just do their own laundry, bless their hearts) and lots of dishwasher loads (and PILES of stuff that doesn’t go in the dishwasher), and that’s about it. I have groceries sitting on the floor that aren’t put away that I bought months ago. It’s been a year since I’ve seen the surface of my kitchen table. I could not tell you the last time I swept a whole floor opposed to a little spot where something spilled.
          There are some people who have it together, but I’m convinced that most of us are just hanging on the best we can.

        5. Roci*

          OMG noooo this is why millenials and everyone talks about “adulting is hard”. It’s virtually impossible to prepare and eat 3 healthy meals + snacks, commute and work a full day, exercise properly, care for pets or dependents, do a hobby like reading, regular cleaning of your house/dishes/laundry/your body, and sleep 8 hours. It’s just not possible in one day!

          I think most people aim to do one or two big chores, alternating days, and just little maintenance on the rest. And lowering your standards because no one lives like they claim to on social media.

      2. Emma*

        At the beginning of the pandemic, when supermarkets were empty, my partner and I signed up for one of those recipe delivery services – they deliver a box every week with pre-portioned ingredients and recipe cards for a week’s worth of dinners. At the time we did it because we didn’t want to slog round three supermarkets trying to buy pasta when my partner has athsma and, back then, we thought that made her super high risk.

        It’s been really good, though. We’ve struggled before because I have to eat lots of fruit and veg to function, but my partner struggles with executive function and on her own isn’t often up to more than frozen pizzas and pasta bakes. In the past this has meant that when I’m exhausted and stressed and struggling, she takes on more of the cooking, and then we don’t eat properly and I get progressively more wiped out until I realise what’s happening and force myself to start cooking again.

        The delivery service, though, makes life a lot easier. There’s no real planning – just picking items off a menu once a week – and no big shop or big online order that I don’t have time to do. My partner finds it much easier to cook from scratch this way because it’s all laid out: you open a paper bag and there are quite ingredients, you follow the instructions on the card, bam. It circumvents a lot of the things she finds difficult re. executive function. And it’s pretty nice food with plenty of fresh fruit and veg, which is what I need.

        The big downsides are cost and packaging waste. The company tries to user recyclable packaging etc but it’s inevitably more packaging than you’d use buying from the supermarket, and it is pricier. So I’m currently writing an app that will hook into the API of one of the big supermarket chains here, so I can randomly generate a list of recipes for the week and then automatically order all the ingredients online. It’s going to be amazing if I ever finish it.

        1. KittyMom*

          Ooh, what a fabulous idea! I would be interested in something like that. Are you planning to make it available on Android or Apple app stores?

    4. Well...*

      I so feel this. I think habit can he really helpful. I have one healthy lunch and a few healthy dinners that preparing has become something I don’t think about. Tbf, these are very easy prep things to eat, but at first it was a drag for me. I also don’t need variety in food, and if I crave something decadent I can always order in every once in a while, and not feel bad bc I eat healthier on the regular.

      Also my husband and I are stuck living apart right now due to jobs (hello, two body problem +covid) and when we are together the routine is completely easier and different. Living alone is just more grunt work in my experience, so be kind and patient with yourself. It’s also less emotional/intellectual labor bc you don’t need to factor in anyone else’s preferences, and you really don’t need to be as flexible and reactive. It’s way easier to stay consistent and build habits. So yea, habit has been my lifeline to stay a functional adult in this current situation.

    5. Jessi*

      I don’t. Mostly I end up dropping a ball somewhere. I work 46 hours a week and outsourced half the shopping (meal delivery kit for 3 nights) and the cleaning by having a cleaner come once a week for two hours.

      I’m trying super hard to look after my body so exercise is my first priority, in terms of shopping I order groceries every other week or so (with a plan for what to make with the ingredients) or i pop in every few days on my way home from work and grab top up ingredients.

      It helps to have time on my schedule for exercise, so maybe you could do that with other things you need to do?

      1. Princess Deviant*

        They are good coping strategies for sure.
        I want to prioritise exercise too, so building it into my day makes sense, as in “it’s in my diary”. I like both Tech Worker’s and Red Reader’s tips on that.

    6. Anonosaurus*

      For what it’s worth, I struggle with this as well. I think part of the problem is the mental energy involved in criticising oneself for not being superhuman. For example, this last week I have had to work very long hours temporarily, so the house is really untidy, there’s something horrible happening in the fridge, and I haven’t done very many steps and feel very unfit. I am sitting here trying not to beat myself up about it. I am not a total slob, I just had to prioritise other things this week. I can clean up and go for a long walk today and next week we go again and try to balance everything, maybe a little differently if I have to do less work.

      If one works, has a physical body and a home, wishes to do self and animal care, and to have a social and cultural life, and also to sleep occasionally, I just don’t think it’s possible to do all of these things perfectly all of the time, but does it really matter?

      I also think many of us assume that everyone else is doing all of this effortlessly, and they really aren’t, even if it looks like it on Instagram.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yes – I remember a quote, though not where I saw it, that’s something along the lines of “Using social media as your benchmark results in you comparing everyone else’s highlight reel to your own blooper reel.”

      2. Princess Deviant*

        Well, I don’t think I’m not superhuman and I definitely don’t use Instagram :) but I do compare myself to what I think others are doing, and falling short in my own head so it’s good to know I’m not alone!

    7. Hotdog not dog*

      I’ve never found it to be easy, I count it as a win if I can get 2 or 3 today, then maybe a different 2 or 3 tomorrow. One thing that does help is that I have a high energy dog who absolutely MUST be walked daily, so I can check the exercise box and the pet care box with one activity. Try to give yourself some grace, and know that nobody really has their whole entire game together.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        This definitely helps me think about it a bit differently, thank you so much :)

        1. the cat's ass*

          If i get half of my errand list done, it’s like basebll-I’m batting .500! Perspective!

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I find that some things work better for me if I break them up. I am INCREDIBLY unlikely to go work out for an hour. 20 minutes is about my limit before I, frankly, get bored. But if I go take fifteen minutes to walk around my block 3-4 times a day, then by the end of the day I’ve walked just shy of 3-4 miles (it’s about 0.9 miles around my block) and the time wasn’t a huge interruption to my day. Similarly, I almost never clean for an hour. I clean something for five or ten minutes, three or four times a day. It’s an improvement, but it’s not a lot of time commitment, and then I can go do something else. (Every once in a while the brain snowballs and I end up with a daisy chain of cleaning that goes on longer than usual – I go to put the widget away, realize the widget storage needs some tidying, find a whatsis, go to put the whatsis away, oh gosh the whatsis desperately need dusting, etc etc – but not usually.)

      I do think that you’re right, the food shopping every day probably doesn’t help, but I’m not sure whether “there’s no way I can” on the meal planning means “I’m open to suggestions as to how to change that but I haven’t been successful at managing it on my own” or “so please don’t suggest that because I’m not willing to change that.” (Either one is totally valid – I do have some suggestions on ways to make meal planning much less onerous, I just don’t want to start throwing them out if you really don’t want them.)

      1. Princess Deviant*

        That’s such a good point; I am open to suggestions on the meal planning thing :) thank you!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I was a terrible meal planner, and for me, the problem was that I would just buy EVERYTHING in the grocery store that sounded good, and somehow STILL not have all the ingredients I needed for stuff. When I started planning, my grocery bill went down by like, half. :P So here’s what worked for me:

          I took a stack of index cards and wrote down on each one a main course that I can make for dinner, and a list of the groceries I need to make it happen. I didn’t include things like butter or spices, the stuff I always have to hand, just the things I would need to grab either out of the pantry or from the grocery store. Example: SLOPPY JOES – 1 lb ground beef, 1 can manwich sauce, one packet of buns. I wrote up cards for things ranging in complexity – sloppy joes, BLTs, omelets, tacos, sous vide pork chops with mashed potatoes, crab cakes, “a heat and eat meal,” “frozen pizza”. Basically, if I was willing to eat it for dinner under general circumstances, I wrote it up. Now I have a deck. I ended up with about 30 cards, but whatever – I’d aim for at least 15 though if you can. I don’t cook for just me, but if you do, you might also note for yourself something like “this makes enough for two nights” or such, where appropriate.

          Saturday mornings (which is when I do my grocery shopping), I pull enough meals out of the deck to cover the nights I cook dinner, which is usually 4 – we do takeout one night a week and I mostly make the boys fend for themselves on the weekends :P For you, it might be two or three or four, whatever. Put them on your schedule when they work for you – if you pull the frozen pizza, you can put it on a busy night, and if you pull the prime rib with slow-roasted whatever, obviously put it on what you anticipate to be a slow night. :) Then you fill in the blanks with “leftovers”, and until you have the hang of it, maybe keep sandwich fixings on hand just in case :) plus now you can make most of a grocery list from your cards and not be going “Oh, dammit, I forgot the sloppy joe buns again” or whatever. I put the cards I pulled this week at the back of the deck, and I won’t shuffle them back in until after I pull next week’s, just so we get a little bit of variety and don’t pull the same thing twice in a row, but that’s just me.

          It takes a little bit of prep up front to create the deck, but once it’s done, it’s pretty easy to work with. You can always create new cards, or if you want to plan ahead to try something new or whatever, you can tweak it, but if you just want to follow the whims of chance each week, all the effort is gone. And if you pull a card and go “you know, I’m just not feeling bacon sandwiches this week,” you can put it back in the deck and pull something else.

        2. Catherine*

          I don’t ever meal plan exactly, but I have a bunch of things that I tend to buy each week as I know I can usually make something out of them. So if there’s certain meals you tend to eat, then maybe ensure you always have the basics?
          For example, I get aubergine, courgettes, pepper, some sort of cheese – feta or mozzarella – and some salad things. At home I always have onions, garlic, tinned tomatoes, coconut milk, rice, pasta, spices. So with those things, depending on mood, I can make soup, pasta, Indian, Thai, stirfry, salad etc. Occasionally I will need to get some extras mid week (I always seem to forget something) but usually I’m covered – and it can be a nice challenge to find new ways to work with what you have! I think this has really come to the fore during the last year as I have been minimising my shopping outings.
          Also – with the exercise, I use an app called Classpass to pre-book sessions – I find it helps me be accountable as I feel bad if i cancel or miss a class, and if I miss the cancellation window I have to do the class or else I feel I’ve wasted money!

        3. Rebecca Stewart*

          I do five week menu plans.
          I eat the same thing for breakfast every day, and we have a rotating list of lunch dishes, since everyone is home now. (Monday is always chicken quesadillas, Tuesday is always hamburgers, etc.)
          Dinners have vaguely categorical themes. Monday is what I call “Slab”; i.e. the slab of meat on a plate with sides, as opposed to stirfries or things on noodles. Tuesday is Chinese, Wednesday is “Special”: this is the day where I have time to play extensively in the kitchen and produce barbecue, etc.

          So I set up a table and put dates in the lefthand column, then the columns to the right of that are (for us) Theme, Lunch, Dinner.
          Then I come up with five dishes that I like that are of the “slab” variety. And I put them each on Monday dinner. Five different Chinese dishes I like on Tuesday. And so forth, and once the table’s populated, there we go.

          Every week I sit down and make a list of everything I would need to cook those meals that week, including condiments. I print this out. Then I go round to the pantry and the freezer and the fridge, and check things off. To this list I add whatever might be written on the whiteboard downstairs (this is where people put things that need to go on the grocery list) or upstairs (health and beauty items, usually.) At this point I also add the tea I drink every morning, the coffee they drink, my English muffins, and check the supply of cat food (wet and dry) and the supply of bags of litter, and amend the list on the computer accordingly, and print out a clean copy to go to the store with.

          1. Rebecca Stewart*

            I’ll add that this works even if you are getting premade stuff from the store or doing semi-homemade things. Even if you want to order in pizza every Tuesday.

    9. Jack Russell Terrier*

      What do you like to eat for dinner? Do you like beans and a veg? Do you like a meat and two veg and rice or potatoes etc? Do you like a big salad and a hunk of cheese and some olives – like a tapas? Go from there. A rotisserie chicken is golden.

      Beans and a veg are easy – you have canned beans, add some seasoning and frozen veg. You can even put some frozen veg in a mug with a bit of water (you can add a blob of butter) and some seasoning to cook in the microwave to reduce clean up.

      Meat and veg – cook up several chicken breasts or what have you, take one and heat up with frozen veg or have rotisserie chicken with the veg. If you want a starch like rice or a grain like barley, then cook in advance or do a jacket potato – slick some oil on and pop in the microwave, potatoes microwave really well.

      If you really like veg raw but don’t like chopping it up – just get it ready cut. It’s more expensive but you’ll eat it, it won’t sit in the fridge until it gets thrown out.

      Basically think of it as an assembly line. Anything that takes a while – cook several. If you just do this once with protein, it can take a few minutes to pop say four chicken breasts in the oven and then take it out when the timer dings. You then have four meals that only take adding the rest either at room temp or quickly heated in the microwave. It doesn’t take long and clean up is minimal.

      The planning is: get protein – eg chicken beans, get frozen veg, cook up protein. The rest is ‘what’s for dinner’. Would it help literally to make a list of proteins you like and frozen veg you like. Then add to list potatoes, rice etc if you like to add them and check how much of them you have before you go the store? You checklist could be:

      Before heading out tick those I need:
      potatoes
      rice
      barley
      frozen peas
      frozen spinach
      frozen corn
      frozen broccoli
      cut up bell pepper
      grapes
      apples

      Chicken thighs
      Chicken breast
      black beans
      rotisserie chicken

      Just keep it simple

    10. Oxford Comma*

      I have found that it helps to have a routine. Every Sunday morning I sit down and plan out meals which takes me 30-40 minutes. I usually have a few go-to easy recipes that I can get multiple meals out of, like maybe I make a casserole or a stir fry that I can get 4 meals out of. The rest I fill in. I like to cook so I’ll try something new. But if I don’t feel like doing that, it’ll be something easy like eggs or pasta. And I treat myself to takeout once or twice a week. I have one of those magnetic pads on the fridge and I keep a running shopping list on that. Like you, I have done shopping for food everyday, but it cost me so much money and with the pandemic, there’s no way I’m going into all those stores that many times a week.

      Exercise…I chunk it out. I live alone and even before the pandemic, I wasn’t interested in going to gyms. But I take walks. I’ll get up and take a 10 minute walk a couple of times a day. I have been borrowing audio books from the library and as I walk around the neighborhood I have those playing. I have them playing when I clean too.

      But if all of this is overwhelming, maybe just do one extra thing and see if it works out. As at least one other commentator said, be kind to yourself.

    11. Pond*

      This all is stuff I’m figuring out.
      Food: I usually do a couple big shopping trips at a time (BJs/Costco and local grocery store) to get as much food as I can fit in the refrigerator/freezer, and then don’t have to go shopping for 1-3 months except for the occasional small trip for fresh veggies. I usually spend several hours 1-3 times/week on making on really big meal – either something like chicken pot pie (which includes meat, veggies, etc all in one) or something like individual components in large quantities (ex. 4 lbs meat, 1 box pasta, 1 package frozen veggies). This way all my cooking time and thinking is in one set chunk of time ex. Sunday afternoon, and then I don’t have to spend time on it the rest of the week – just take out a big dish, scoop the portion I want onto my plate, and stick it into the microwave for 1-3 minutes.
      Shopping:
      food/groceries – one big trip every 1-3 months, with a small trip for fresh veg roughly once/month
      one-off clothing/presents – only if I need something specific, always plan a half or whole day to be taken up by shopping – not often, usually in clusters around holidays
      lots of clothing – always plan to take multiple full days, usually spread out over a few Saturdays – not often, 0-3 times per year, usually around change of seasons (ex. if summer clothes no longer fit or need different style clothes for a new work environment)
      looking after home – still figuring this out; I tend to let things (ex. dishes and laundry) pile up and then deal with them all at once, which takes several hours and is exhausting. It be better to do little chunks at a time and not let a big pile form, so not sure if I’ll change.
      working – whether I’m in office or remote I have very specific set hours, so I go by that. While working remotely I mostly eat while working and use my lunch break for other things (ex. cleaning, personal meetings, relaxing). Is possible, I’ve found it really helps mentally to have set hours to only work then, and not have to think about whether or not I should be working at other times.
      exercise – I haven’t figured this out, other than that finding a friend to walk and talk with us the only sure way to get me outside/moving.

    12. mreasy*

      This is possible but it is by no means easy. I’m 41 and I only feel like I got somewhat of a handle on all of this on a daily basis a few years ago – and even still I have days and weeks where it just doesn’t work. (I have 2 cats, no kids – I literally cannot figure out how my friends with kids manage.) Ironically I think a big part of it is finding ways to ease the pressure on yourself and any negative self-talk. This took years of therapy for me, and I still have plenty of these habits, but it has loosened with time and work. And seconding the commenters below who recommend cooking in bulk, it helps!

      1. allathian*

        When I lived alone, I had issues with getting things done. At times, my apartment was a dump. I could leave dishes unwashed for a week when I was living alone and only washed them when I ran out of plates or the sink started to smell. Now that would be unthinkable. Of course, it helps that we have a dishwasher.

        With a kid, especially a baby or toddler, I was like “okay, I need to take out the trash when I go shopping, or it won’t get done”. As a parent, you learn quickly to do fairly unpleasant things simply because they’re necessary, so the excuse “I don’t feel like doing this” doesn’t carry as much weight as it might when you’re the only one living with the consequences. I mean, when my baby son had diarrhea and his diaper leaked so that his whole back got covered in excrement up to his hairline, I cleaned him up and enjoyed a sweet-smelling, happy baby. I didn’t go “oh, that’s gross” and leave him dirty.

        I was on maternity leave for two years and then I was primarily in charge of cooking, cleaning, and shopping, or at least of planning what to buy and writing shopping lists. When I went back to work, my husband was great at doing a bigger share of the chores. Now that my son’s almost 12, my husband probably does more chores than I do, because he has much more energy. He’s also great at noticing when things need to be done, so I’m not the sole project planner in our house. This seem to be unusual, I’ve heard many women say that their guys are great at doing things on request, but don’t seem to see what needs to be done without prompting.

        I do have limits, though. I decided early on that I don’t want to be a soccer or hockey mom. I guess I’m lucky in that our son isn’t interested in team sports. He takes after his father and likes cross-country skiing, running, and riding a bike, although only for exercise, he isn’t at all interested in competitive sports.

    13. mreasy*

      Oh and another note. Remember that “getting your s**t together” is a myth! It’s all a process, there’s no point where it’s all figured out. No longer thinking this way helped me enormously.

    14. Not So NewReader*

      I think we can go our whole lives trying to figure this out.
      I think it’s helpful to realize our needs change every 7-10 years. This encouraged me to just accept the fact that I will need to change/modify what I am doing on a regular basis. In other words, this sh!t never ends.

      Things related to health get done first. This means my kitchen and bathroom should be relatively clean and organized. In the same vein, my bed and bedding need to be reasonably comfortable. This can mean clean bedding, making the bed so it is neat and ready to crawl into at night and ensuring it has covers that actually keep me warm. If I regularly do not sleep well, not to much else is ever going to get done.
      Eating is part of health. I read some where that good health is 80% what we eat and 20% exercise. I do the food part well. The exercise part- not so much. Sometimes just getting through the day is an exercise as I run from one thing to another.

      I also realize that I had unrealistic expectations. I cannot be away from home 10 hours per day and have numerous hobbies, numerous projects and several pets. Something has to go. (It wasn’t the pets.) I used to enjoy craft sewing, until I realized I had to wash and maintain that completed craft item. It did not help me, it make MORE work. Now my sewing projects are practical ones- such as making curtains or drapes for pennies on the dollar of what they would cost in stores.

      I decluttered and I am still getting rid of stuff. I stopped collecting things like ceramic shoes and what not. I don’t have time to take care of it. And I no longer want to put money into this stuff.
      Paper is a huge issue for me. The problem started with doing my father’s estate. I had 18 cases of paper from his house in one room. The other rooms were not better than that. Now I have all the paper in one room. If i stacked it up it’s probably 2.5 feet high. Compared to what I had, this is nothing but I am TIRED and that last bit of paper is just sitting there. It’s been years to get this far.

      Streamline things as often as possible.
      Purge stuff regularly- especially paper. A good rule of thumb is to just get rid of the stuff (and paper) that you know for certain you are done with. I keep a donation bag in my room and I add to it randomly. When it gets full I drop it off on my way to work and I start a new one immediately.
      On any given day I have not moved any mountains or made any miracles happen. It’s just that I do something most days no matter how small. And that is what adds up.

      I had to walk door-to-door to do a survey in this community. I was surprised to see that at least 50% of the homes I went into looked like mine (lived in) or worse (little paths through clutter). Most homes were not what I imagined. Maybe 5% of the homes looked like something out of a magazine, that’s it. A good number of people are struggling with their surroundings, you are not alone by any stretch.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        That’s interesting. What is it that changes every 7-10 years? Is it our energy levels or our mental perspective or something else?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Just about any aspect of life can change and new needs, new priorities come along with it.
          Life is not as stagnant as it can feel. Work can be a real hamster wheel and we get so involved in getting to work, working, getting back home that we can forget how life is marching on anyway.

          Just some random examples:
          When my husband was diagnosed diabetic, we made a bunch of changes in what we were doing. We started packing lunches for work. We needed lunch containers and lunch totes, for example. I added to my cookware because I needed to beef up what I was doing. (Changing health needs.)

          When my mother died, we wanted to include my father more. We made sure we had a guest room and spare linens. (Changes in family structure.)

          When we changed jobs, invariably we had to make household changes. One time my husband’s new job required he provide his own vehicle designated for work use. We shifted around finances, the way we used vehicles, etc. We also took on equipment to make sure his vehicle worked every day- air compressor for pumping up the tires, charging devices for the battery, etc. (Changes necessary to remain employed.)

          Then there are changes that happen by our own choices. I wanted pets. I ended up with four of them before I decided I had to put the brakes on. We had lots of toys, tools, accessories, crates, carriers, and piles of vet records, shot records and so on for these critters. (Changes for hobbies and interests and choices.)

          That’s the build up side. Then there is the tear down side.
          My father passed and we got rid of stuff we kept just for when he came to visit.
          My husband passed and I got rid of that work vehicle and all the work clutter that was laying all over. Likewise the stuff related to diabetic care.(Changes due to loses.)
          I decided with the reduced income, I would go down to just having one dog. As the cats left my life, I did not replace them. Then I got rid of the stuff for taking care of cats. (Changes due to shifts in priorities and choices.)

          The part that gets mind-bending is how we run these build up and tear down changes at the same time.

          My father passed just after we bought our house. I got rid of some Dad Things and acquired New House Things. (That shift was super chaotic.)
          As I was getting rid of some of my husband’s stuff that I would not need/use, I was acquiring new tools and equipment that I would use so I could stay in my home with some self-sufficiency.

          If I think of my life in blocks of 10 years, each decade had major shifts. In reality some of those shifts came up very fast and very close to the previous shift. Now at 60, there are things that I will never, ever use again, because of age/lack of interest/lower resources/etc. Actually that is okay for the most part. I have to admit that I do enjoy finally just getting rid of stuff that I will never deal with such as that unfinished antique crochet bed spread. It can go and I am good with that.

    15. Chilipepper*

      I am watching my adult son figure this out; I am reminded that it is not easy! I can remember not getting it all balanced when I was starting out on my own and with our family but I am a pro now. It really does take time to make it work for you and, as others said, be kind to yourself, this is normal.

      One bit of advice I got from a wise person was that routine and “bright line” rules help because you don’t have to make decisions constantly. That is exhausting. He said not having a routine, which means constant decision making, is like trying to stand/swim at the beach where the waves are breaking right at the shore. It is much easier to go all in, to go deeper in the ocean where the waves are not breaking. If you finish work and then have to decide what to do, exercise, make healthy food, do a hobby, clean, you are making a lot of decisions. Then you do eat and have to decide all over again. Instead, he says to pre-decide with a routine – that helps you actually do all the things.

      At various times in my life I have balanced things in different ways. For example, when our son was little and I was a SAHM, I made Friday cleaning day and did a deep clean so we could do fun things on the weekend and because I hate cleaning most of all so only the bare minimum during the week. Now spouse and I are older and it is just the two of us, we don’t make much mess and we clean the kitchen every night and the rest of the house about once a week.

      As for meals, I can eat the same meal for days so I batch cook on the weekends or an evening when I feel like it. I freeze some and eat the rest for days. We also have a lot of routine in our cooking. We eat pretty much the same light meal for dinner (vegan so its a big kale salad or lettuce salad with tons of beans and veggies) and have the food I cooked on the weekend for lunch.

      Exercise does not come easy to me but routine helps. I walk 3 miles after work every day. I don’t have to think about it, it is just my routine. So I’m all in at the ocean past the point where the waves break (lol). I don’t think, I just come home, change, and walk. I cut my brain out of the whole thing!

      Again, it takes time to make this all work for you, I wish you the best!

      1. Lizzo*

        This is incredibly helpful, and is an excellent description of what I’ve been trying to explain to my husband for years about the importance of structure/routine/planning. Thank you for sharing!

      2. Princess Deviant*

        This is an absolutely brilliant explanation, thank you so much! When you say “bright lines”, do you mean something like clear boundaries?

        1. Batgirl*

          I think it means hard rules and habits. Occasionally, you’ll find one that works really well for you. Mine are: 1) even if you don’t have time to clean, keep the sink clear, 2) make your bed every morning and 3) if you’re making something useful and freezable like tomato sauce or meatballs, make a batch so you don’t have to cook the second or third sitting 4) always take the stairs and 5) only try to develop one habit at a time or it won’t take. Start with one that will make a big impact and give you a boost.

        2. Chilipepper*

          You can google bright lines, it is a concept used by many to express clear lines in the sand.

    16. fposte*

      I lowered my expectations on this well before COVID. There just is no world in which I shop, cook, exercise, see friends, and work with only the hours in a week.

      Wherever you can, find shortcuts. I’m lucky enough to have cleaners, currently once a month, which means also before they come picking up gets prioritized. I am a big fan of doing a big batch of a freezable food like soups or stews, freezing them in portions, and then just microwaving during the week. A good bean soup, with or without sausage, is a great dinner, and fruit makes a great dessert. Dirty dishes that can’t go in the dishwasher don’t always get washed the same day, and it’s fine (though in a cat household you might need to be a little more careful). Sometimes the pasta pot just gets washed before I use it again, and that’s somehow faster and less annoying anyway.

      Wherever you can, make it easy to do what you want to do. I leave relevant clothes for the exercise in the easiest spot—I’m likelier to use my ancient elliptical if I don’t have to find workout clothes and then hit the machine, so some workout clothes hang on it. Walking shoes are by the back door.

      I sometimes find day by day to do lists to be a help because they allow me to have things *not* on the list, rather than having every day be about all those things. But then I can start accruing items and have to toss the list because it’s stressing me out, so that’s definitely a YMMV.

    17. Techie*

      A lot of people have some great thoughts on routine. I agree with all of that, and would also like to offer a few concrete suggestions
      1. I have a pair of cats & for me, a small roomba-style robovac has been huge (cost is roughly $250). It keeps cat hair to a dull roar & forces me to do a daily quick check from stray toys. The model I have allows an option to start a cycle automatically when you leave the house (based on smartphone location), so it’s a two birds, one stone sort of thing for exercise, errands, etc. If this is in your budget, I highly recommend it.
      2. A small air purifier. This doesn’t clean per se, but makes the air feel a lot nicer. May be psychological, but it works for me
      3. An instant pot. This really cuts down on meal planning. It lets you make a big freezable batch of something with minimal effort
      4. Schedule workouts (walks, YouTube videos, etc) on your work calendar. I’ve found just before work, or immediately after are great ways to throw some borders around your day.

    19. violet04*

      I’m 43 and I feel like working from home the past year has finally allowed me to get my act together, so to speak. I’m married, no kids and my husband has a pretty standard 9-5 job where he has to go into the office.

      It took a few months, but I found a routine that works for me. I have five cats so getting up and feeding them and scooping the litter boxes is the first thing I do in the morning. After that I work out, shower and get dressed for the work day. I have to exercise in the morning otherwise I won’t get to it later in the day.

      The food thing is more difficult, because I don’t like cooking. I try to plan dinners for Mon-Fri and we wing it on the weekends. Last night I didn’t have anything planned so we ate McDonald’s.

      I actually don’t mind cleaning, so in the evening I make sure all the dishes are done and the kitchen is clean. Once a week, I’ll vacuum.

      I also use a habit tracker to keep track of things I want to do each day.

    20. Stephanie*

      The only way that I’ve ever been able to sustain a regular exercise habit was to do it first thing in the morning. Pre pandemic, that meant that sometimes I would get up very early to get to the gym before work. I hated getting up so early, but I knew that I always felt better if I worked out, and that was enough most dark, early mornings for me to get out of bed. During the pandemic, it’s been a bit of a struggle to exercise, but I schedule it, so I see it as a thing that I must do. It helps.
      We recently started to use a meal delivery service (Hello Fresh) for two dinners each week. It’s not as cheap as shopping for the ingredients yourself, but it’s cheaper than takeout, and it takes all of the planning and sourcing out of cooking. I also LOVE leftovers. If you make a big pot of soup, you have lunches or dinners for several days. If you get bored eating the same thing twice, soup generally freezes well. I put a serving in a ziploc bag and lay it flat in the freezer. It thaws more quickly when I freeze it that way as opposed to in a deep container.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        I found a great trainer that offered an outdoor class within 5 minutes of my house at 5:30am. I went regularly because if I missed it the opportunity was gone. He disappeared and I tried something else jazzercise but jazzercise didn’t work because they offered multiple classes a day and I could talk my self out of the early morning before work class but between being tired and hungry I didn’t go the evening classes. So I workout best before work with a commitment of some sort.

        But I also like to bike and if the weather is good ( to include low wind) I enjoy to bike during daylight hours. I’m looking forward to the time change when I think I will start biking more.

    21. Not A Manager*

      Are you okay with the process of cooking, or is that an unpleasant chore for you? I’m terrible about planning a week’s worth of meals, and I like to have a bit more spontaneity about my meals anyway. But I also don’t mind the process of cooking and I’m comfortable improvising.

      For me, when I lived alone, I shopped once a week for a combination of “listed ingredients for a planned meal” and “general ingredients that I can use to make something edible that I feel like having.”

      If you maintain shelf-stable or freezer-stable items (like rice, pasta, canned beans, small portions of frozen protein, maybe some frozen vegetables), and you keep some stuff in your fridge that you would use for most any homemade dish, then you can decide whether you want noodle soup with chicken and vegetables one night, or if you want scrambled eggs on toast. (For me the “must have in fridge” list is eggs, cheese, bread, dairy, and basic cooking veggies like onion, garlic, carrots, celery, parsley.)

      I don’t live alone now, but I have in the past, and even now there are foods that I like to have available to me that my spouse isn’t interested in. I love soup, for example, and I always have a soup or a stew in my fridge for lunches or snacking. When I make a pot of soup, it’s always a lot because (1) I’m not going to put in the labor of fixing it if I’m only getting one meal for one person out of it and (2) to put in a variety of ingredients (canned tomatoes, several kinds of beans, etc.) you’re going to have a big pot at the end.

      What I do is make the soup up to the point of adding things that don’t freeze very well (mushrooms, some fresh veggies, most greens – which are usually quick cooking things anyway that you add last). I portion out half of the pot into small containers and freeze it as a “base” for later. Then I add my quick-cooking, poorly-freezing ingredients for the soup I’m going to consume now. This is a hybrid of “prep for later” and “only cook what you feel like eating.” I’ll do the same for sauces or broths, etc. I’m not so big on freezing actual completed dishes.

      I also have a stable of pretty fast, not very difficult one-person meals that make me happy to eat and that feel healthful to me. Egg drop soup is very fast and easy to make, and I like it. Many veggies roast up easily and with a lot of flavor in a 425° F. oven. I line the rimmed pan with foil and usually don’t even have to wash it afterward. Etc.

      Between leftovers, prepped food in the freezer, and super-quick things I can make whenever I want, I’m not usually thrown back on packaged convenience food. I do like some packaged convenience food, but it feels less good in my body and I prefer to plan it out and have it as a treat because I want it, not because there’s no other option.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        I enjoy cooking, it is the prep and the shopping that bamboozles me a lot. I have 3-4 dishes that I cook over and over again before moving on to something else. I like a lot of the food prep tips here, they’ve very much helped me reframe certain things in my head and I am in a place where I can try 1 of them at a time to see what works for me.

    22. Inefficient Cat Herder*

      When I lived alone (with cats) I used to cook huge batches on some weekends, and freeze things in single-portion sizes. That way I had a variety of foods and wasn’t eating the same thing for leftovers all week. I would blend up a bunch of frozen fruit and some tofu in the evening, stick the blender jar in the fridge. I would pack a gym bag with my work clothes and lay out my gym clothes before bed. In the morning I would get up, pee, throw on my gym clothes, give the smoothie a 5 second re-blend, pour it in a big travel mug and drink it on the way to the gym. Shower after workout, get dressed for work and go straight to work (yeah, I had long hair, and either it was just not washed after working out or I would braid it. Too thick to dry). I often had leftovers for lunch. I also had a whole lot of litter boxes, so the cats always had at least one that was to their standards. I was working super long hours (more than 80 hours a week, so when I had a rare weekend off one day was for sleep and fun and one day was for cooking and errands and such).

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Yeah, pre-covid I would frequently go to the pool (now closed) before work. I miss that a lot.

    23. Llama face!*

      I also have what I believe to be executive function issues and also tendencies towards demand resistance. There is never a consistent or long lasting period in my life where I have all the balls in the air without dropping one. If something changes in my life that breaks my routine, my systems devolve into chaos and I have to slowly pick up the pieces and try again. But I’m learning not to judge myself for it and just give myself as many fresh starts as I need. I accept that my pattern is always going to be very up and down.

      A few things that have helped me:

      -Looking at where stuff piles up in my home and what kind of stuff.
      I noticed that my coffee table kept getting covered with paper garbage so I added a garbage can in my living room. It’s not the most aesthetically pleasing option but I can toss stuff while sitting on my couch and I actually do it. When I have to take the paper to another room to discard, it doesn’t get done. Maybe that’s silly or lazy but why make self-judgements? This works for me so it’s all good.

      -Using a meal service during difficult to feed myself periods.
      I have SAD so during a few previous years I would get a meal service delivery once a month during the fall and winter. It came with 3 2-person meals with all the ingredients ready to use and a recipe card for each. That way I knew that at least one week of the month I would have some good substantial meals that I didn’t have to figure out shopping or whatever. This actually ended up priming the pump for me and I now am doing better at planning 2 or 3 “proper” meals in a week.

      -Using Habitica as a positive reinforcement tool.
      Because of the above mentioned demand resistance I don’t do well with “consequence” strategies for getting things done. But the gameified reward system in Habitica seems to work reasonably well for me if I only use the positive side of it. And there’s a timeout option (the tavern) so if I’m having a rough week I can pause my daily goals.

      I still struggle. Right now I don’t have any consistent exercise routine (COVID ruined my previously well-working option: zoom classes were not doing it for me so I temporarily dropped out of my martial art class). But taking it gradually and trying to build in little bits at a time, and giving myself room to fail and start over, have been a big help!

    24. Generic Name*

      I believe you’ve said you’re on the spectrum, right? Before I got to the part where you mentioned executive functioning, I thought to myself that it sounds like an executive functioning issue. :) Reducing trips to the grocery store will give you more time for other things like exercise and hobbies. I’d rethink the idea that there’s no way you can meal plan.

      My son is on the spectrum, and I know how important schedules and routines are. Can you make a new routine around planning your eating for the week? Sit down on say Sunday and figure out what dinners you want to eat. If you don’t think you can do this, write down what you had for dinner for a few weeks and when you sit down to meal plan, pick something from what you wrote down. Write down each day what you’ll have. It doesn’t have to be made from scratch every day. It can be like:

      Monday- canned soup and bagged salad
      Tuesday- tuna casserole and green beans
      Wednesday- spaghetti with sauce from a jar
      Etc…..

      Then look in your kitchen to see if you have all the ingredients. You may need to write down the ingredients of each meal and then cross off what you have. Anything that’s not crossed off gets added to the weekly list. You can do the same for lunches or you can plan on having leftovers or make sure you have ingredients for sandwiches on hand to make lunch with. When I lived alone, I made sure I had frozen stuff (usually from Trader Joe’s) on hand to have for dinner when I just didn’t feel like cooking. I have a hard time remembering to take out stuff to thaw, so flash frozen chicken that you can cook without thawing has been a lifesaver for me.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Yes! That is very sweet that you remembered, and thank you for saying “on the spectrum”. I appreciate your insight; all the comments about routine have been very helpful. Covid and lockdown have definitely messed up my routine a lot, although it is a lot better now than it was this time last year; plus I had just been officially diagnosed this time last year.
        The level of detail you’ve provided is something that I do need to be able to do something like planning the meals. I can try it :)

    25. Dan*

      Hah.

      As someone who lives alone, I feel. Let’s just say that cleaning is the last thing on my “what I want to do today” list, and because I live alone, I can let it slide :D

      As for food, I place a value on eating (and cooking) well. That doesn’t mean going “all out” for every meal, but I’m not satisfied with rice and beans either.

      Here’s what you can’t do, and maintain any sense of sanity and balance: Shop for *and* cook one or two distinct meals *every* day. (And clean up the resulting kitchen catastrophe, too.) It’s too much of a time suck to do all that *and* take care of the other things in your life that you need.

      I can also say as someone that lives alone, planning for a week’s worth of meals isn’t as much work as it sounds. The reality is, everything I make I get at least two servings/meals out of. Almost any recipe I get online is going to be of the “serves four” variety (and I’m a big guy, so “serves four” is probably three meals for me.) On average, few recipes are economical to scale down. I mean, you can do it, but if you bought say a 15 oz can of tomato sauce for a “serves four” recipe and want to cut it in half, unless your store stocks 8 oz cans of that thing, then you’re still buying that 15 oz can. Protein sizes are easier to manage, but for lots of what I buy, cutting a recipe in half is minimal savings. It’s far, far more efficient to make the whole recipe and eat it throughout the week or freeze some of it.

      So for me, one recipe gets me three meals in general. I can then shake it up and do “fast casual” or make some other stuff out of a well stocked pantry/fridge/freezer. I also have a supply of frozen meals in the freezer, which are often lunch with all of this WFH. I don’t have the time/energy to prepare two real meals every day.

      There are people who “hate leftovers”, and in many ways, I guess I would like something different every night, little of what I make isn’t worth eating twice. Most of what I make is worth eating three times, although if I did get four meals out of it, the fourth night isn’t all that appealing. But this is all in the context of the time it takes to prepare a fresh meal. Would I rather have leftovers *or* prepare a new meal from scratch? Years ago, when I was first married, I tried cooking something new every night and it wasn’t sustainable.

      1. allathian*

        My husband is our main cook, and for our 3-person household, he often doubles up on recipes. So instead of making a pasta bolognese that serves 4, he’ll make one that serves 8. It does mean eating a lot of leftovers, but they’re very handy for a quick lunch during the week, although on the 3rd day, I’ll tune it with a bit of chili sauce as likely as not.

    26. Person from the Resume*

      It’s not easy. I think that number 1, your expectations are unrealistic. Doing it all is hard or impossible.

      OTOH I can’t believe you shop everyday. I live alone and cook 2 “big” meals a week usually on the weekend when I’m not working. I freeze some and on weeks that I don’t cook or don’t cook two things I pull already cooked meals from the freezer. The rest of the week I eat those two items with fresh salad kit or easy to prep and cook veggies. I mix it up with sandwiches or take out, but I’m not cooking every day.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        And for shopping prep before I keep a running list staples that I’m about to run out of and before I go shopping I pick 2 recipes I’m going to make this week and add the ingredients I don’t have to the list.

    27. Princess Deviant*

      Thanks so much to everyone who has responded. I’m sorry I’ve not answered everyone individually but I am reading everything and loving the replies – good to know we are not alone! <3 <3 <3

    28. ez*

      I live alone, I’m in my early 30s, and I’m still working on this. I’m a full time student right now so I have more flexibility in my schedule which helps. If I were to start working 9-5 M-F I don’t know if I could maintain what I’m doing now, especially since I have the most energy (and get the best results) for exercising around midday.

      It’s hard to try to incorporate all of these things into your life at the same time. What helped immensely for me was to focus on building the habit for ONE thing at a time. I like exercising, and it’s important to me so that was the first thing I was able to build a routine for and incorporate. It’s even easier now that all my workouts are done at home or in my neighborhood (walking). I don’t even think I’ll even go back to the gym when things settle down.

      Meal planning was harder to tackle. Before COVID, I would only really plan for one or two days at a time and so I was shopping multiple times a week. Now I go ~10 days between shopping trips, really just whenever the milk runs out. To tackle this one, I got kind of lucky. I stumbled upon a recipe website that has a lot of easy to make (if you have basic cooking skills), budget friendly, nutritious options. The website also offers 4 week “meal plans” for a small fee, and they include recipes and weekly shopping lists. Since I just cook for myself, the meal plan covered my lunches and dinners for 8 weeks and allowed me to stash a lot of leftovers in the freezer. Freezing leftovers has been the BIGGEST game changer in feeding myself. I banked enough leftovers that I now only have to cook 1-2 big meals per week, and everything else is just some version of heating up leftovers. Soups, stews, and tomato sauces generally freeze really well. I also like to make a big batch of meatballs that I can freeze uncooked and then just throw in the oven for 20 mins when I want them. I do grocery pickups now, so I can build my order online and then someone brings it out to my car. It’s a free service as long as you meet the order minimum of like $40, and it’s so much easier than shopping in person. The tradeoff is you don’t get to pick out your produce, but for me it’s worth it.

      I’m also terrible at keeping things clean. I just have a high tolerance for mess and feel like there are so many better ways to spend my free time than trying to keep things spotless. I’ve tried scheduling cleaning tasks before (different small things on each day of the week) and could never keep up with it. A few weeks ago (I think) I saw multiple suggestions on this thread for the Tody app. I downloaded it and it’s AWESOME. It has chores broken down by room into very small tasks. You can choose which tasks you want and how often they’re “due.” Then you can see a checklist of things that need to be done. I like to only look at “Today” (even though you can see tasks coming up to a week out) because it keeps things from being overwhelming. If you don’t get to something when it’s due, it just stays on your list until you do it. So you don’t feel like you have to clean EVERYTHING, you can just pick a few tasks you want to do and slowly chip away at the list. And if something is overdue, it only gets rescheduled once you complete it, which was a huge issue I had when I tried to do my own cleaning schedule. It was only yesterday that I fully cleared my checklist (after a few weeks of using the app), and that was a nice feeling, but I also didn’t feel bad when I had uncompleted stuff on there, as long as I was doing some of it. I also got myself a cheap robot vacuum, which has been great.

      Anyway, that was a lot longer than I intended. But my biggest advice is to not try to learn how to do everything at once. Build up habits around ONE of these things at a time. Once you feel like you have a handle on that, move on to the next one. Like I said at the beginning, if I went back to working full time right now, it would still be hard to maintain all of these things, but they also wouldn’t completely fall apart because I’ve been practicing each one. I would suggest starting with food or incorporating small, regular amounts of exercise, since I think that has the biggest impact on quality of life, but it’s totally your call.

    29. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I haven’t read through the other replies yet so hope this isn’t a pile on or anything of teh sort. I too have EF issues as well.

      So for exercise, what helps for me is thinking about it like a second job. When I was jobless, I considered that my first job and primary goal. I prioritized going to the gym, exercising and making better food choices. When I lost weight again while working, I considered it a “second” job. Waking up at 4 AM and consistently doing it. I stopped because my dad died and life got rough for a bit. Job because, while it may not pay in cash, it will pay in better health and feeling better. 

      My biggest food weaknesses are carbs and sweets, both of which are dangerous for me as I’m diabetic. I find as long as I reduce/eliminate those I’m good. Sometimes it’s easier said than done. 

      For cleaning….here’s where I falter, my standards for cleaning are very low, funny given where I come from (my mom is a huge clean freak and hates clutter). Seeing my stuff around brings me calm. I’m glad that my husband is on the same level, so neither of us fights with each other about our levels of cleanliness (or lack thereof). 

      I truly don’t think we’re meant to do it all at the same time. A friend of mine was talking about this in regards to being a working mother. She said you can’t have it all all at the same time, at some point something has to give. I think this applies here as well. Pick a few things that are priority (i.e. work and cats) and have hte other stuff fall into place. Don’t be ashamed of eating out every day or taking shortcuts with food or not exercising (unless those are things that bring you joy and you want to)

      1. allathian*

        It seems to me that often people will either find themselves keeping house to their parents’ standard, or going in the opposite direction entirely. My best friend in high school had an awesomely clean room, while the rest of the house was a mess. She cleaned her own space as a way to rebel against her sloppy mom, but I guess it didn’t occur to either of us that she could’ve cleaned the rest of the house as well… After she moved out, she relaxed a bit but she’s still very houseproud. Did your mom nag you a lot about cleaning when you were a kid and a teen?

    30. WoodswomanWrites*

      I live alone, and I agree with others that this situation is so common. I know it can be a challenge for me to manage everything.

      I’m fortunate that I’m a pretty repetitive eater who doesn’t require a lot of variety. I don’t particularly like cooking, so much of what I keep in the house is easy to prepare and minimizes my need for frequent shopping. My meals are usually centered around adding boiling water. For breakfast, that’s soft-boiled eggs and a bowl of instant oatmeal with a banana. Dinner is often steamed vegetables and tofu, with or without a grain or pasta. Lunch involves crackers/bread/rice cakes with canned or smoked fish or peanut butter/jelly, etc. And I supplement with prepared foods or takeout. I also keep easy things to snack on like fruit and cottage cheese for the times I don’t feel like cooking anything. And treats like cookies.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Also, if you want to have healthy snacks around that don’t require prep, I like to munch on crispy raw veggies I can dip in hummus, like carrots and green beans.

    31. Double A*

      I don’t think I’ve seen other people mention this, but one thing that has helped me is to change my timescale. “Balance” doesn’t have to happen every day. You don’t need to eat perfectly balanced meals 3 times as day, exercise daily, give time to your hobbies, and do your best at work day in, day out. This was especially helpful for me to think about in terms of eating. We did not evolve in an environment where we got our exact RDAs every day; so even if you have a month of not eating great, it’s fine. If you have a couple of meals a week that are especially nutrient rich, great! Look over the course of the week for nutritional balance. Also, embrace things like frozen broccoli and peas if you like them. Easy to keep on hand. I’ve also been doing apple slices as a side fruit.

      Same with cleaning; it’s not clean every day, but there are some things I’d like to do on a regular periodic basis. If it’s not time to do it, I don’t feel bad it’s not done. I’m married with 3 cats, a toddler and a pretty big house so it would be impossible to keep clean without having staff. So I just kind of have a sense of how frequently I’d like certain things to get done; some day I’ll get it together even write it down, maybe.

      I’ve been procrastinating dealing with a bunch of adult junk like taxes and opening my mail, so I finally decided to designate one Sunday a month as Business Day. I will open my unopened mail, review my budget, take care of bills, etc. and I’m not going to feel bad tossing things in my business pile in between then.

      This all being said, this is very much a work in progress (this weekend is my first Business Sunday in fact).

    32. StrikingFalcon*

      When I lived alone, I didn’t. I certainly couldn’t food shop and cook every night. Honestly shopping and cooking at all was struggle, so I just focused on making sure I was eating enough, and that what I was eating included vegetables and protein. I ate a lot of frozen meals and pasta and take out, but I ate. There are several brands that make reasonably heathy frozen meals. They aren’t inherently evil just because they were made in a factory. When I did cook, I cooked a big enough amount that it fed me for several nights.

      Cleaning I tackled a little at a time. I also focused on reducing the effort involved in starting the task. If I couldn’t be bothered to go downstairs to get the cleaning solution, then that meant I needed a second bottle in the upstairs bathroom. That way I could just wipe down the sink real quick when I up there, rather than make cleaning a whole task I had to plan time for. I just tried to clean *something* every day. Some days I did a more intensive task, but some days I just wiped the sink and called that my task for the day.

      I was in grad school at the time, so honestly hobbies didn’t happen except during breaks. But I did get exercise in a couple times a week.

    33. Amtelope*

      Honestly for us using a meal kit delivery service has been a huge help. We’ve tried HelloFresh, HomeChef, and EveryPlate; right now we are doing EveryPlate because it’s cheaper than the other two, plus HomeChef was having trouble reliably delivering for a while this summer. Generally you have to order at least two servings, but if you’re just cooking for yourself and don’t mind leftovers (or cooking the same meal twice in a week), getting three meal kits delivered each week can take care of most of your dinners. I like to cook but am using 100% of my executive functioning ability to deal with other things right now, and picking the week’s dinners from a list and having them mailed to me is about the meal planning capacity that I have right now.

    34. Laure001*

      Princess Deviant, you got a lot of great advice about food… But maybe also get a cleaning lady (or a cleaning gentleman) once a week. Yes, it’s money, but the peace of mind that comes with it is priceless. Or, to be exact, it has a price, but it’s worth it.
      With someone who comes clean once a week the only thing you have to do is the dishes, and suddenly, here ends all the guilt and the worry and the “I should” about your apartment. Seriously, it will be a HUGE progress for your mental health.

    35. justabot*

      I keep it pretty simple with meal prep, but still try to eat mostly healthy – for example, I will just buy steamable bags of broccoli or Brussels sprouts or green beans for veggies, a bag of steamable sweet potatoes, heat them up once, then throw in a container in the fridge and can just grab them all week, 60 second microwave cups of brown rice, etc. Bags of already hard boiled eggs. Sometimes I even buy the already grilled strips of chicken, or something like cooked salmon from the Whole Foods Market. I’m not doing a lot of cooking, but I buy things like that to keep on hand so I can throw together a quick, but nutritious meal – think lean protein, healthy carb, veggies, etc. Doesn’t make a whole lot of mess in the kitchen. It keeps me full too.

      I make sleep a priority… I feel like when I get a good night’s sleep, I’m a whole lot better at dealing with the rest of life. I go early to bed, early to rise. Having those extra few hours in the morning also gives me more time to throw in a load of laundry, run the dishwasher, hit the gym, or make up my lunch for the day because after work, I’m exhausted and useless. Hope any of that helps at all! It definitely is not easy to manage it all.

  14. Myrin*

    What has been the most thoughtful gift you have ever received?

    I turned 30 yesterday and while I’m not a big birthday or gifts person, we still always do gifts in my immediate family (just my mum, my little sister [who turned 25 last week what is time], and me; my grandparents always send money).

    What you need to know as background for this is that I have “half a doctorate”, as I am wont to say. I’m a medievalist and my dissertation was supposed to be an edition of a late-Middle-Ages manuscript written in a lovely Swabian town a couple of hours from where I live. I abandoned my dissertation (still don’t know how to correctly say this in English; I officially stopped the process, is what I mean) one-and-a-half years ago but the manuscript will probably always mean a lot to me – I wrote my master’s thesis on it and made a lot of discoveries around it no one ever knew of before and I just… I’ve spent so much time with it and it’s just really important to me.

    And these absolutely madpeople – my mum and sister – got me a gift card for a weekend trip to that same Swabian town where “my” medieval manuscript guy came from and I just… I never would’ve expected something like this. I’ve been meaning to visit there myself anyway sometime in the future but this was just so thoughtful and lovely to me and has worth much beyond the actual money they will have to shell out for this. Obviously we don’t yet know when we’ll be able to go – maybe in summer 2022? – but there’s of course no date of expiry on stuff like this and while I’m not particularly emotional normally I was really, incredibly touched by everything that went into this.

    1. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      My best friend knows I love making silly lists (and that I loved the proto-internet Book of Lists when I was a kid) so she wrote me my own, full of lists about my life, with contributions from my mates. So lovely!

    3. Anima*

      Who is your Swabian manuscript guy? I would love to know; maybe I can go visit the town when everything is opening up, too! (I live in a badisch town. ;) )

      For gifts: my engagement ring. It is so pretty and exactly my style and I love it so much! My ring also made me want to marry my guy more, it was so thoughtful and we’ll picked by him!
      (Sadly I almost never wear the ring, it’s so delicate and precious and expensive and I’m kinda crafty and fear I would ruin it….)

      1. Jay*

        Mine was a ring as well – it was a 15th anniversary gift from my husband. It’s engraved with a Hebrew verse from Song of Songs that translates as “I have found my beloved.” It was a total surprise and it still chokes me up to think about it 20 years later.

      2. Myrin*

        I can’t say, unfortunately, because this is one of the only things that can pretty reliably identify me because I’m the only currently-alive person who has dealt with him in any significant manner and there’s several mentions of that on the web. But it’s in Bayerisch-Schwaben and has a beautiful medieval Altstadt – even if you can’t find that particular city, there’s several of those around and I’d say they’re probably all well worth a visit!

        1. Anima*

          Ohh, okay, I understand! I will pick one of those towns and go there, ok? Maybe it’s the right one maybe not, anyway, have seen a beautiful town! :)

    5. Reba*

      That’s so special and thoughtful!

      (I would probably say “dropped out of PhD program,” but in a way I like how you put it, I imagined your dissertation making a new life alone in the woods somewhere :) )

    6. TX Lizard*

      The campus where I went to college has gingko trees that go bright yellow every fall. It was one of my absolute favorite things. During my last year I got unexpectedly sad when the leaves turned, because it marked the end of my time there. I moved away but my SO stayed in the same city. Almost a year later he visited me and brought me pressed leaves from the gingko trees on campus. I had never specifically told him how happy those trees made me but he figured it out, made the hour round-trip drive to collect them, and figure out how to preserve them. I definitely cried and I had them framed.

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        That’s lovely!! I also have a fondness for yellow gingko leaves. They’re so cheery. Once when I stepped out of a theatre in Berkeley, there was a little pool of leaves on the sidewalk under a street light… no trees around, just the leaves.

      2. Myrin*

        Aaaaw, that’s making me really emotional. I can definitely see why you had them framed!

        1. TX Lizard*

          He said he’d been doing drive-bys every week for like a month to make sure he got them when they were the right color. My heart couldn’t take it

    7. GoryDetails*

      My best friend and my sister conspired to buy me a new version of the stuffed toy leopard I’d had since I was 3 (and which was destroyed by my college housemate’s boyfriend’s dogs, whom they left locked in the house over Christmas vacation – I’m still furious about that). It was a Steiff leopard cub – the originals are collectible and quite pricey if in decent condition, but the company re-issued them in the ’80s (still pricey but not nearly as bad) and that’s when the conspirators pounced. The bag had a tag on it with “Grrrr” written on it, and when I opened the bag and saw the reincarnation of my favorite childhood stuffed toy I totally lost it. [And am getting a bit weepy now, remembering the moment. The leopard has pride of place on my bookshelf, in company with some of my favorite books, and still makes me smile whenever I see it.]

    8. Batgirl*

      My favorite gift came about two years after a break in. When my house was broken into, I discovered the mess in the dark. I didn’t actually turn on the light because my spidey senses could smell the pine trees, implying the back door was open. I just fled in case someone was still there, returning only when I had help.
      A good while later, I meet the man I’m going to eventually marry and tell him how I want to quit the newspaper game and that I hate coming home at all hours, especially in the dark, particularly because of that experience. One day he texts me to not be surprised if I come home to a lighted up house because he will be using his key. When I get home, not only has he made me dinner, he’s arranged for all these lights across the house to come on every day using timers. It looked so… homey.
      Whenever I would come home to a lighted house after that, I felt wonderful. I kept noticing, too, that he would randomise the pattern all the time, and it made me feel really cared for. He’s bought me more expensive gifts than that, but this one had a daily effect on me.

      1. Myrin*

        I’m so sorry you had such a scary experience (although you also sound like a super cool investigator – you could smell the pine trees and as such knew where the person has entered/left!) but what an attentive thing to do of your husband!

      2. Scarlet Magnolias*

        My husband proposed to me (in 1979!) on Elvis’s birthday, January 8. Neither one of is a fan, but he has created a ritual where sometime during the year he buys me the cheapest, tackiest piece of Elvis nostalgia he can find (this year it was an ornament found in an antique barn in Maine that plays Half of “I’ll be home for Xmas”) He then gives it to me on January 8th. Even better when he leaves the price tag on.

    9. MinotJ*

      Omg I love this thread so much. I’m tearing up at almost every gift. And it makes me laugh that I probably wouldn’t enjoy any of these gifts, but they were so thoughtful and made each specific person so happy.

    10. WoodswomanWrites*

      My then-partner and I were experienced backpackers before we met. Our first backpacking trip together was to a favorite place I loved to go for my birthday week, somewhere he had not previously visited. On the day of my birthday two or three days into the trip, he pulled out a tiny birthday cake that he had managed to keep uncrushed and hidden from me, even with storing our food at night away from animals. Although we separated years ago, I kept the candle for a long time and this memory still makes me smile.

    11. StripesAndPolkaDots*

      A dear friend made me a set of Brian Eno’s Oblique Strategies cards as a wedding present. She hand-wrote each card and cut them to the perfect size for a tiny wooden box. Really a perfect gift.

    12. SarahKay*

      My ex-partner (who I was still on good terms with) remembered how much I’d wanted to go on a bird of prey experience day – basically a day at a bird sanctuary, seeing and holding different birds of prey and actually getting to fly a falcon.
      He got together with a group of mutual friends and they bought a gift package for me plus a friend for my birthday. This was about a year and a half after the breakup, and I was just so touched that he’d still remembered and organised it. I was phoning round the relevant people to thank everyone and I think I sobbed (happy tears) down the phone at all of them.

    13. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      What lovely, thoughtful gifts people have listed! Mine came just this past Christmas. I’ve been married for decades, and Hubby is hit or miss – some great gifts, some “What the hell was he thinking?” But this year was special. We’ve always worked to pay for our vacation travel, which are usually long road trips – sometimes new places, sometimes old favorites. When he handed me my gifts, he said “We couldn’t travel this year, so I brought the vacation to you,” and my sweet Luddite had called gift shops from some of my favorite places, and they were kind enough to help him find very special items for me instead of just sending him to the web site. That was about ten years worth of thoughtfulness from him all in one day.

    14. AlexandrinaVictoria*

      My partner had a ring made for me out of one of his used guitar strings. It’s beautiful and it has his music in it.

    15. KittyMom*

      What a completely lovely sub-thread! The love and thoughtfulness behind each gift is simply beautiful.

  15. Put the Blame on Edamame*

    My good news for the week: put a deposit down plus first month’s rent on my first solo apartment, and I got my first vax jab this morning. I was amused by the signs up on the doors: Today is AstraZeneca/Oxford Vaccine

    Felt like a restaurant with a Catch of the Day or soup du jour. Anyway, I got it and the whole process was like clockwork, bless the NHS.

    2. Detective Rosa Diaz*

      Congrats!! I also got my first AZ jab and am so happy. Feels like progress. Now for a 12-week wait, but just knowing the approximate date is so much better than before.
      Did they tell you to take a paracetamol tonight? Loads of people are pretty sick the day after. I myself only have a slight fever.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      Congrats on your first apartment and vaccine!
      I hope everyone who wants a vaccine can get it soon!

    4. MissCoco*

      Congrats on the apartment and the vaccine!

      When I went for my first everyone was given labels to put on for “Phizer” or “Moderna”, which I was amused by.

  16. Hair tangles*

    As I’ve grown older my hair texture has changed from thick and straight to thin and wavy. I never had problems with knots and tangles but now a walk outside when it is windy , sleeping, just whatever happens during the day results in tangles.

    Does anyone have any recommendations for products they use to help keep their hair tangle free?

    Currently I use Shea Moisture and Verb shampoo and conditioners. And they seem to not help but I feel like I need to finish the bottles. I cowash half the time. Rub a few drops of marula oil on my ends after showering.

    Thanks

    1. Catherine*

      My hair is noticeably more manageable if I give it a little Olaplex oil after washing–I apply from about midway down my neck (the home of most of my tangles) to the ends. Wind will still ruin everything, though, so I keep my hair twisted up in a claw clip when it’s windy.

    2. Disco Janet*

      I’m having a similar issue – with age/having kids my thick straight hair is now wavy and coarse. So frustrating having to relearn how to care for your hair! I’ve been using the Olaplex line, as mine has some damage from me learning how to deal with the coarseness. But for tangles/general frizz, what has helped me the most is their hair oil. Just work a little bit through the parts that see the most tangles and frizz. I was skeptical about adding oil to my now-thin hair, but it works nicely.

    3. pancakes*

      My hair has gotten longer than I’ve ever kept it during lockdown and I’ve had problems with tangles, too. I’ve had good results with Shea Moisture Manuka Honey & Mafura Oil Intensive Hydration Hair Masque. I noticed, too, that the tangles were at their worst when I was sleeping on a flannel pillowcase. I know people recommend silk but just going back to cotton percale helped.

    4. Reba*

      I recommend the tangle teaser brand of brushes. And, like others say, restraining the hair when it’s at all windy is critical! I usually plait it for sleeping.

    5. MissCoco*

      Hair tangles are my middle name – I also have fine hair.
      I usually buy cheapish shampoo and spend the savings on conditioner and styling products.

      I always use a leave in conditioner – finding a good one that works for your hair can be a bit of a process, but I personally have good luck with living proof’s products.
      I also use Its a 10 leave-in spray daily
      If I’m really going to be out in the wind I either need to get it contained or put a lot of styling product on.

      I never towel my hair, I wrap it in microfiber cloth or an old tee shirt.
      I never brush my hair dry either, use a wide tooth comb or brush (not bristle or wire)
      A spray bottle with a few drops of conditioner mixed with water is a cheap detangling spray.

      Also keeping my ends trimmed (which was easier before COVID) is a big deal for my hair

      1. MissInMS*

        After a particularly dry windy day I use Redken All Soft shampoo. Sometimes I use only that, sometimes I just mix a little in with my drugstore band. It’s the only shampoo with a true alkaline pH, says my stylist. It smooths the cuticles and seals them down, making hair smoother and locking moisture in. I can’t use it every day or
        it will begin to weigh my hair down. There’s also a Paddle Brush by Aveda that I love. It was $17 but I’ve had it for years and love it. I also wash mine under the tun faucet so I can do cold rinse, this also helps the cuticle to lie down smooth.

      2. I take tea*

        Seconding the keeping the ends trimmed. I’ve had much more problems with tangling now that I have a lot of split ends, usually I trim it quite often (like every two months or so). I can’t do it properly myself.

    6. Batgirl*

      I’ve always had wavy and coarse hair and have never expected to go untangled on a windy day! That’s what braids/baker boy hats and the collar of your jacket are for! Or tuck it under your scarf!
      But since you asked, the hair product that’s given me the most detangling and ‘slip’ would be homemade flax seed gel. Whether I use it as conditioner or a gel I end up with hair that’s almost laminated. In fact it relaxed the curl right out of my swavy 2c hair, so I stopped using quite so often; I actually prefer a little coarseness and grip. It was sliding right out of my hair pins. (A youtuber called Naptural can tell you how to make it) One product I can’t do without is a shea moisture conditioning masque. Much better detangling than their ordinary conditioners.

  17. No Tribble At All*

    [ Admiration of Alison’s cats thread ]

    At first I thought there was something weird with the gray cat’s back legs— and then I saw it was a whole other cat!! And they’re spooning!!!!! The cats are best friiiiends!!!!

    Are any of the cats super food-motivated? Do you have to separate them at feeding time if they have different dietary requirements? Or do you just sit them down and give them clear, stern instructions?

    1. Dancing Otter*

      My old vet told me the only way to put two cats on different diets was to have two houses.
      We settled on “old fatty” formula for both, with extra treats for the more active kitty.

  18. Janet Pinkerton*

    Hi all! I have a question about post-surgical recovery. I had a laparoscopic procedure on Thursday and I hadn’t realized earlier that I would be intubated for it. I tell you, my throat has been the worst part of recovery so far! My actual surgery has been totally fine but goodness this sore throat. Has anyone here dealt with this? How long did the sore throat last? Were others coughing up phlegm? At this point I’m a tiny bit concerned I’m actually sick. But it’s just the throat and I really do assume it’s from the intubation.

    1. Hotdog not dog*

      My sore throat lasted about a week, although it got a little better each day. Sipping ice water and regular old throat lozenges helped a lot in the first few days.

      1. StellaBella*

        Yes, sadly have had 8 surgeries since 2004 amd had this twice. Warm tea, cool water, no dairy and some lozenges helped me. Lasted a week. Once had jaw pain too for a week ugh.

    2. Lore*

      Yes! The sore throat and the shoulder pan from the gas were actually worse for me those first few days than the surgical incisions. Advil helped a lot—the anti inflammatory aspect rather than the pain aspect, I think.

    3. Corkey's wife Bonnie*

      Keeping your throat lubricated is key. I’ve always found lukewarm tea with honey after surgery and just constantly sipping at it. Don’t drink things too hot or too cold. Stay away from acidic food and drink, and gargle with warm salt water before bed. It’ll get better, it just takes time. Feel better soon!

      1. Chaordic One*

        I recommend the “Throat Coat” teas from “Traditional Medicinals”. There are three varieties, Eucalpytus, Lemon Echinacea, and the original Slippery Elm which I like the best. I get it at my local Kroegers or Walmart in the tea section.

    4. Squidhead*

      I (inpatient nurse) give patients popsicles (if allowed) in addition to lozenges or chloraseptic spray. Ibuprofen may help with the swelling but it is contraindicated after some surgeries (risk of bleeding) and is inappropriate for certain chronic medical conditions, so I’d consult your doctor before taking it unless they already gave it a green light.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Second the recommendation for popsicles. These really helped for the sore throat when I was recovering from having a tube in my throat after surgery. Truth be told, I still eat popsicles as a treat as a result!

    5. Laura Petrie*

      I ate a lot of Starburst and boiled sweets (hard candy??) to try get my mouth to feel less dry. I also made sure I drank plenty, especially peppermint tea as I had pain from the gas they used.

      Hope you feel better soon.

    6. Reba*

      Oh man, I have had a nasogastric tube before and in some ways it was the hardest part of that medical ordeal! So painful. I remember using a numbing spray quite a bit (I needed help to get it aimed down the throat) and lubricating by drinking warm water or tea.

    7. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      All laparoscopic or robot surgeries require intubation. It’s impossible to do otherwise. The pressure from the gas in your abdomen can make your stomach acid reflux, and the breathing tube protects your lungs from the acid. You also have to be paralyzed for the abdominal insufflation as well which requires a breathing tube.

  19. Venus*

    How does your garden grow?

    I promised myself that I would start seeds last week, but I didn’t. But I will definitely put them in water and get them going today! At least I was able to buy all the supplies (pots and dirt) so I’m ready to plant them as soon as they sprout.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I haven’t really done any planning yet, but I’m starting to think about it. Last year I had a landscaper come and overhaul the big garden (flowers) so there’s nothing to do there really. But part of that was taking all my huge herb plants and moving them from the two raised beds over to that big garden. This year I’ll need to weed out the beds, add some good dirt, and then I’ll likely use them for veggies.

      As far planning a large flower and shrub garden in the side yard, no definite plans but I’m at least starting to look at plant catalogs for ideas. I found scented mock orange shrubs in one of them, so I’m thinking of ordering. There was one in that big garden I mentioned and I was sad to see it go (it was filled with too many random vines and some poison ivy), so I’d love to use them in the new garden. I’m not sure if I want just a few or if I want to make a large, dense border around the garden with them. I’m not sure what else I want since I’m not good at planning (not too sure where to even start), but I’d love it to have some heirloom-type flowers and shrubs. I’d love some peonies maybe. Roses. Maybe some daisies. I’m guessing I should come up with a basic shape first and figure out where I want pathways.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Forgot to mention, the new garden would be in full sun all day, from about 7am until almost sunset, so if anyone has ideas I’d love to hear them.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Oh, my goodness. I think half my to-do list this weekend is plant related, and it’s still only barely above freezing here. :P

      Houseplants: I have to repot Red Anne (tangent for funny backstory: my housemate has four snakes – Charlie Charlize Charlene and Carlos – and a cat, Annie. The only plants of mine that have names are the Creeping Charlie and the Red Anne Fittonia, neither of which I actually picked, they came in a random assortment. Sometimes the universe laughs.) because she’s doing beautifully and getting too big for her baby pot.

      Aerogarden: I actually got a second one this weekend, along with the seed starter insert. I’m not setting it up yet, but I thought that being able to plant wee plants when I start trying to recapture my yard would be more likely to be successful than trying to plant seeds, and then when I’m done with that, I can switch it back to normal use with the other one. The lettuces and herbs are going like gangbusters, I need to harvest the thyme and probably dry it this weekend. I want to seed my purple peppers into the “grow your own seeds” pods and put those in the Aero this weekend too.

      Outside plants: Not too much yet, but I need to plant my shamrock bulbs in their two pots – I meant to do it last weekend and got sidetracked. I have a general plan for how I want to till up the thistled-out section of my yard and redo it, but that will probably wait til early April to make sure the ground is soft enough to make that work. There’s another section where I want to plant raspberry bushes, but again, that’ll probably have to wait another month or so. (April weekends are gonna be busy, I think.)

    3. Never Nicky*

      I’ve set a heap of vegetable seeds off, including heirloom tomatoes and chillies. The little gem lettuce and lollo rosso have already sprouted!

    4. MinotJ*

      Ha! I promised myself that I would NOT start seeds last week but I did. So now my kitchen table is covered with trays of pots and I’m panicking because (of course) the lettuce started germinating at two days and the raised beds aren’t actually ready to host plants yet. I got some thick plastic sheeting to turn the beds into pretend greenhouses to keep the seedlings safe for the next month or so – but the roll of plastic isn’t even out of the box yet.

    5. Me*

      My tomatoes and peppers seeds are all sprouting. Next year I’ll do one variety per pot; I felt rushed and combined some tomato varieties and some are slower to sprout than others.

      My greens – kales, mustard, lettuces- are all out on the porch, nearly hardened off.

      Getting a load of gravel today to haul out to the garden as the base for the new garden beds. I’m hoping to set those up this weekend/early next week. I got my onion sets this week from the seed company so I’m going to need to get those in a bed soon.

      I’m hiring a friend to help clear some stuff – my herb garden was destroyed in the recent storm. I have a ton of alpine strawberries that are out of control that need to be pulled. He doesn’t work but likes odd jobs. Also, a high school student that sometimes does some work will be coming by this week so between the two of them I’m hoping we see some progress.

      Still clipping up branches from the storm. I needed some wood debris for the bottom third of my 30” raised beds, and the storm certainly obliged.

      Quote to take out the now leaning huge oak tree was $3k, so that sucks. It’s a danger to the roof so it has to come out. That means it holds up our fence project which means I have to deal with temporary fencing along my perennial bed for an extra month into the summer. I guess the tree will provide (expensive) firewood at least.

    6. TX Lizard*

      I had some garlic that had started to sprout, so I stuck it in the little windowsill pot with my green onions, and it took off! I also suspended one clove in water avocado seed style, just so I could watch the roots grow and be curious! Green onions and garlic are the only plants have the bandwidth to care for these days.

    7. HannahS*

      I’ve ordered my tomato seeds! I had hoped to start this weekend, but they haven’t arrived yet. I’m thinking that once they’re established, I’ll plant them in grow bags instead of pots–it’s a balcony garden, and I think that grow bags will be easier to store in the off season than big pots. Has anyone used grow bags before? Anything I should know?

      1. pancakes*

        I’ve successfully grown cherry tomatoes in grow bags on my fire escape in a previous apartment, but last summer and this summer I’m using white food storage containers, 22 quart size, from a restaurant supply shop. Grow bags always seem to come in dark colors and I worry about the roots getting too warm in the sun. The bags also often seem to be wider than necessary and not deep enough. The food storage containers come in white (which doesn’t absorb as much heat), the shape seems more suitable (relatively narrow and tall), and they’re sturdy. I drilled a few holes in the bottom for drainage.

    8. GoryDetails*

      My holiday-season amaryllis is on its final stem – not bad, two months of bloom-time! This one’s the very-dark-red variety, with four full blooms on the stem now.

      Seed catalogs are piling up next to my chair. I should probably look at them. Ahem.

    9. CatCat*

      The Aerogardens are still going gangbusters. We have a special salad we’re making Monday from our bounty of lettuce. I’ve been sprouting broccoli seeds immediately adjacent to the Aerogardens and we’ve enjoyed them in salads and stir fries. I’m starting a “Kratky”/passive hydroponic style planting in a container immediately adjacent to the Aerogardens this weekend.

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      The lentils I started for beansprouts and then decided to put in dirt we didn’t like the taste? They didn’t survive the transfer to pots. It was a fun experiment and gave me the idea to use them as ground cover in the terrace we’re slowly restoring — they’re nitrogen fixers, and that soil needs a lot of help coming out from under landscaping cloth. And as we’re able to do patches of rock removal, we’ll turn under the lentils.
      Some of the overwintering plants are perky and showing spring growth, but I’m worried about our citrus. I’ve increased watering but leaves are dropping–those spiders might be hiding spider mites again.

  20. The Other Dawn*

    I just wanted to say thank you to those who answered my question about osteoarthritis of the hips last week. I ended up switching doctors and even though he told me the same thing the previous doctor told me (nothing to worry about with the arthritis yet, as it’s very mild), the big difference was he sat down with me and showed me the x-rays, explained what I was seeing, what I might expect in the future, etc. Big difference from the previous guy. He and his PA also sat and listened (given that it was a big, frustrated brain dump on my side, I thank them for their patience :D) and really got it when I said, “I can’t have any NSAIDs at all because of gastric bypass, Tylenol no longer works after taking massive doses for 3+ years, and that X, Y and Z pain meds are the only ones that work.” The last guy was clearly frustrated with me when it came to that part, which is a really big factor in my frustration with him. I feel like a lot of doctors either don’t understand weight loss surgery and the post-op med limitations, or they just don’t agree with the surgery to begin with and they’re biased when they hear it. I felt really weird going there and having them know I was switching doctors, but it was fine. I’m guessing lots of doctors see that happen.

    Also, the doctor have me cortisone shots in both hips on the same day for the bursitis (Thursday). I’m happy to report the right hip is very nearly pain-free. The left…UGH. That shot really hurt and I’m still feeling the aftereffects. Generally they last for about a day, but it still hurts today. Though definitely not as bad as yesterday. Yesterday was rough! Didn’t matter how I sat, laid down, reclined, walked, or stood, it still hurt like an SOB.

    If you’ve managed to read this far, has anyone used Voltaren for joint pain? Or generic Voltaren? He prescribed it for me–five tubes!–and I’m just curious if anyone has found it helpful. Since I can’t take oral NSAIDs, this is what I’m stuck with for any joint pain I might have.

    1. Oxford Comma*

      First of all, you have my sympathy and my admiration. I was suffering from undiagnosed bursitis for nearly two years and it took way too long for me to realize that a) I was seeing the wrong type of doctor and b) I was seeing a bad doctor.

      Ask your doctor what they think about physical therapy. I have been dealing with bursitis in my hips and while the cortisone shots helped, it was PT that has made the biggest difference. I still have pain but it’s down to an acceptable level.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        The previous doctor gave me a prescription for PT, but then I found out the copay is 50.00 each time, three times a week–that’s steep. The new doctor said we’ll try the shots first and in the meantime, I can work with my trainer (he sees the same doctor) on some exercises to help stretch and strengthen the muscles. If I need some more work after that, we’ll do PT. He showed me some YouTube videos of exercises while I was at the office and also have me a few handouts to review.

    2. Jay*

      Hi! I’m a doc myself (primary care/geriatrics) and had gastric bypass three years ago. I had a knee replacement 18 months later and had to get very firm with the orthopedists about the NSAIDs, which surprised me. I cannot be the first bariatric surgery patient he’s operated on. He kept insisting I could take them. And of course the following is not actual medical advice because I would not give medical advice over the Internet.

      I’ve used topical Voltaren for intermittent hip pain with some relief. It took several days of twice-a-day use before I got relief, but then I was able to lie on that side comfortably. I used it for maybe two weeks and the problem seems to have resolved – I think I overdid it hiking (this was last summer when it was warm out).

      The other thing that helped after I had my knee replaced, much to my astonishment, was CBD oil taken orally. The orthopedist recommended it. I was seriously dubious so I checked with my network. One of my friends did a research project on CBD in her fellowship and she encouraged me to try it. I went to a reputable health-food shop that’s locally owned and was recommended by another friend who practices integrative medicine. I used it twice a day for two months after surgery and I definitely noticed more pain the days I missed it.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I’m quite skeptical of CBD oil myself, though I have tried it from time to time. I don’t feel like it helped, but maybe I didn’t give it long enough.

        Yes, the whole pain meds thing after gastric bypass is such a PITA. I’d love nothing more than to pop a couple 800mg ibuprofens a few times a day, as they used to work very well for me. But those days are gone. I don’t regret my WLS at all, but the pain relief thing does sometimes get to me, especially now since Tylenol no longer works after 3+ years of taking more than the daily max dose (yes, I know that’s not good).

        1. Jay*

          I was pretty worried about it. I had lost a lot of weight a few year before (and put it back on, hence the surgery). With that weight loss, my knee pain had pretty much resolved, so I was hopeful that more permanent weight loss would do the same thing, which it did. I was also hoping I could avoid the replacement, but no dice. The recovery was hell for two weeks. Absolute hell. Now, 18 months later, I am so glad I did it. Took a while, though! After that I decided I am definitely not doing plastic surgery. I never want to go through surgical recovery again unless I absolutely have to.

    3. fposte*

      I used Voltaren for a period when I had migrating joint arthritis. I definitely found it helpful, though I don’t know what the protocol would be for an under-clothing joint like the hip—the stuff’s pretty goopy. Probably there’s a cover you just slap on it or you have sacrificial underpants.

      Have you tried Lidocaine patches? You can get them OTC. They’re not anti-inflammatory, of course, but I’ve found them surprisingly useful for pain control.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I’ve used the patches from time to time, but they didn’t help. Although I was using them for my back, which eventually needed fusion, so I think the pain spots were just too deep for a topical.

    4. Alaska_Blue*

      I’ve only taken Voltaren orally, so can’t help you there. However I did have a cortisone shot into my hip once and it definitely hurt for about 4 days, which wasn’t what it was supposed to do. I kept on with my gentle exercises- short walks, PT exercises that didn’t hurt, icing or heat-whichever felt best. And then on day 5 of so, my hip felt better and then it just continued to be better from there. So don’t give up hope on the recalcitrant hip, it might just be taking it’s own sweet time. ;)

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I had these shots last year (first set worked, second didn’t) and I remember the pain from the cortisone lingered for about four days. That didn’t happen when I had them in my back, so maybe there’s just something in the hip that makes it linger. The right hip was good yesterday (day after the shot), so it’s just this stubborn left! But it definitely feels way better than it did yesterday.

    5. WoodswomanWrites*

      It’s so frustrating to have a doctor who dismisses your concerns and what you know are facts. I’m glad to hear you’ve found a doctor who is more responsive.

      I’ve had an excellent experience with Voltaren for an arthritic joint, my big toe. It was getting difficult to walk pain-free. I now apply the gel twice a day when I get up in the morning and before bed and it works really well. If I’ve gone for a long hike, it’s sometimes a little sore and I’ll apply it when I get home. I can’t speak to how it would work for a much bigger joint, but I know that you can use it more times a day than I do. I hope the cortisone shot pain diminishes and that you find a solution.

    6. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      I have shoulder pain that wakes me up at night, and the one thing that works, and fast, is Biofreeze. I just roll it on and in a minute or two the pain starts subsiding.

    7. Rusty Shackelford*

      I tried OTC Voltaren for my arthritic knees and it didn’t help at all. However, this was before I knew I actually had no cartilage left. I don’t know if that makes a difference. Obviously it works for a lot of people.

  21. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

    If anyone owns a 2015-2018 or so Honda Fit, HR-V, Mazda 3, or another similar small hatchback, what do you like/dislike about it? Curious to hear some real world experiences with those cars as I’ll soon be in the market for a new used car. Thank you!

    1. MinotJ*

      2015 Mazda 3 hatchback. The visibility is atrocious. I’m used to it now because I’ve been driving it for so long, but if I could send a message back in time, I’d be driving something else. From the driver’s seat, it feels like I’m in a tank with six tiny windows surrounding me. I have my seat cranked up as high as possible to see better (and I’m not short).

      Also, and you might have to Google this to find somebody who can explain it better than I can, the radio has no “off” button! I have my car hooked up to my phone via Bluetooth, and it works fine that way. But if I ever forget my phone(or I get into the car with Bluetooth turned off) here’s what happens: the car starts up and the “infotainment center” starts waking up, it has various startup messages on the screen for maybe 15 seconds, then it tries to connect to my phone, then it gives up and blares at full volume whatever radio station was on last time this happened months or years ago. During this time, there is no way to stop this process. If I’m lucky, I remember to hit the mute button – which is the closest the car has to an “off” button for the radio! If not, I’m startled and embarrassed as my car starts blaring a random song or commercial and I slam my hand down on the mute button and start searching for my phone. I wish there was just a way to have it off. The only way to listen to nothing is to make sure it’s always hooked up to my phone and then not play anything. I can’t even keep it on mute when I get out of the car, because the car turns the volume back up when the car is turned off/on.

      1. Please Exit Through the Rear Door*

        Thank you. I’d probably be able to live with the stereo issue, but poor visibility is not good.
        Too bad. It’s such a sharp-looking car and the one friend I had with a Mazda 3 got about 250,000 miles out of hers.

        1. Ramen Enthusiast*

          I had a 2015 Mazda 3 for a three year lease and loved it! We got a bigger vehicle after that but I still miss it and may go back to Mazda for my next car. I didn’t find the visibility to be a problem, although I definitely relied on the blind spot indicators when changing lanes. And the stereo thing is a nuisance, but not unique to Mazda (my current Nissan does something similar). I’d recommend test driving and seeing how you feel about the visibility. Ours was really reliable and I liked driving it!

        2. The teapots are on fire*

          The visibility out the back of my Mazda three is awful, but the reverse camera is amazing, so I don’t care. I thought I’d care. I have a 2016 and it’s noisy. The newer ones may have addressed this; I’m getting ads that mention “quiet”. I do overall love the controls. I find the seats in the lower end model I have a bit hard and I didn’t want the fancier one because I live in California and the fancy one only comes with black leather, which I won’t do in a hot, sunny climate. I kind of regret it now.
          It’s been very reliable and overall no regrets at all.

    2. Holly the spa pro*

      Idk if this is helpful but i own a toyota prius and a newer prius c (the small version of the prius) so two small hatchbacks and they are both awesome. My OG prius is older (2009) but it is a beast, has made several cross country trips and once fit all of my worldly possessions (more stuff than i ever thought would fit in a hatchback.) Having the smaller prius, i definitely feel the lack of space if i buy lots of groceries or make a costco run but it gets even better mileage and i have a long ass commute. Ive hardly had an issue with either car despite years of abuse and because of that, i cant imagine not buying another toyota, even if its not a prius specifically.

      1. Annie Moose*

        I have a 2017 Prius and I love it even if I look very hipster, ha. It’s a really sturdy car and I agree that it has way more space than you’d expect! (my mom and sister still talk in reverence about how many IKEA boxes we fit in that thing) And the gas mileage is hard to beat. I’m a total lead foot and I still get high 40s gas mileage on average.

      2. fposte*

        Ooh, I’m thinking about a Prius this year, and might prefer the c (I’m not firmly focusing on new or used, and obviously the c would be used). I’m mystified by the reverse Tardis effect that seems to be happening in cars, though, where they’re getting bigger on the outside but smaller on the inside.

        1. Reba*

          The new Pri-i definitely look smaller, as well as feeling smaller, than the old ones. We had a much beloved 2010 Prius and recently got a 2019 Prime (plug in option). I like driving the new one (for me, visibility seems to be better) but still sometimes miss the space the old one had. We can still get everything for a longish road trip into it, though! The cargo volume claimed for the C is almost as much as the new-body Prius.

      3. Please Exit Through the Rear Door*

        I’ve driven my brother’s 2010 Toyota Prius and overall liked it a lot. Really smooth driving car, very comfortable, surprisingly good acceleration, and it obviously gets great gas mileage. I think a newer one with low mileage is going to be a bit out of my price range, though, unfortunately!

      4. Generic Name*

        I loved my Prius so much. I had a 2005 model, and drove that thing until 2018. It’s a great city car.

    3. Cecil Beeber*

      I have a 2015 VW Golf. It’s my second golf, and it’s a 2 door, 5 speed manual transmission.

      My likes: it has a small turbo and a surprising amount of pick up and go, but gets good gas mileage. It’s fun to drive!
      The back seats lay down pretty flat, so you can pack a large amount of stuff. If you’re careful, 8 ft lumber fits.
      It’s great in the snow, but a manual gives me a little more control.

      My dislikes: while it uses bluetooth for handsfree driving, any other phone/car connections are for Apple only. I use Android, so I don’t even know what features I’m not using.
      The voice commands for handsfree are a little slow.
      A dislike for me, but probably a like for tall people: it has a lot of head room. So much so that the sun visors are too high up to be of much use for my 5 ft 2 in body.

      1. Please Exit Through the Rear Door*

        Thanks for this. How has your reliability been? I’ve heard horror stories about VWs. (Mine would be automatic; I’m curious about a manual but definitely don’t want to learn in NYC traffic.)

        Turbo engines in general make me nervous. I’m a 1980s kid and my family had a bunch of Chrysler LeBarons when I grew up with first-generation turbos. All of them eventually lost their turbo power, became very noisy and were gas guzzlers even though they soon were no more powerful than a regular engine. I assume they’ve improved a lot in 35 years, but…

    4. Squidhead*

      2016 Fit, purchased new with the keyless entry package (which I mostly love but sometimes the sensors bug out and I need the key fob). We’ve only ever had to take it in for oil changes and other routine maintenance…very reliable so far(35K miles). I like the flexible rear seat…being able to flip up the bench and create a space across the width of the vehicle is handy (in addition to the more-typical 60/40 seat back split). We put a toddler’s carseat behind the passenger and it makes the front passenger space a little tight. I find the front windshield visibility a little limited…the column between the windshield and the driver’s door is kinda large (I’ve missed seeing whole cars at intersections!), but this has a lot to do with my posture and preferred seat position too. We don’t use our phones in the car (not for the hands-free Bluetooth or to stream music or for directions) so no comments there but we do keep a USB drive plugged in with some music on it which is handy. I’m in the northeast US and we do put snow tires on each winter…they help a lot! On the highway, we get mid 30’s for mileage, sometimes better. City (especially with a lot of short trips in winter) is more like mid 20’s. Happy shopping!

      1. Please Exit Through the Rear Door*

        Thanks! Reassuring to hear about the reliability, and that gas mileage sounds about right. If I try out a Fit, hopefully the visibility issue would be better for me, but we’ll see.

      2. blue wall*

        I also have a 2016 Fit! I love this car; super cute, fits a ton (well a metaphorical ton)– people are always surprised by what I fit into it. I get about 44 mpg highway, 35 mpg city driving. I just replaced my car battery in the fall, have had work done on the brakes a year ago, etc.

        Dislikes- I’m tall (5’8″) and I wish the front seat went back a little further.
        Also I think it takes a bit longer than I want to get to speed.

        1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

          Thanks — acceleration is a bit of a concern since it has a small engine, but I am not a speed demon. My first car was a 1996 Saturn with 124 listed horsepower but about 30 actual horsepower. The Fit couldn’t possibly be slower!

          1. Squidhead*

            We drive in Eco mode all the time so we are accustomed to it feeling that way. I do notice that when we are both in the car (his weight is 1.5X mine) the pickup is a little slower than when I’m driving alone. OTOH, when I’m alone I’m probably driving to work which is a short and stop-sign filled trip, so very inefficient!

            I’m also about 5’8 but I like to sit closer to the steering wheel and more upright than anyone else I know so I think my position in the car is not typical.

      3. Susie*

        I have a 2010 Fit and it is still going strong. I might have to replace the AC this summer, but I’ve had no other major issues with it.
        The only thing that I’ve found annoying is the tires. They are a specialty size that not every place seems to keep in stock. Getting my new tires is always a bigger to do than it needs to be.

        1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

          That’s excellent. I come from a family that’s owned about 10 Hondas, and every Honda we have had except one has been basically bulletproof. I’d hold onto my current one (CRV) except it’s getting pretty long in the tooth and most likely due for some major repairs.

    5. Llellayena*

      2015 Nissan Versa Note: Overall I love it, it’s small enough to fit in “city” parking easily but dad to day has enough space for what I need to move (though trips with a lot of luggage can be tricky). My primary issues are that it’s a bit of a kite (very light so wind pushes it around) and the heat is not fantastic. I really miss variable intermittent wipers, but that’s a product of which package I picked. Apparently they only come if you get the touch screen display (which I did not want).

      1. Jess Day*

        Yes, I forgot in my response that it is very light and it can move a bit in the wind!
        I also love the tiny nosy up front for turning! Very easy for parking! I live in FL so I can’t comment on the heat :)

    6. Jess Day*

      I own a 2016 Nissan Versa Note! I had originally wanted the Fit, but after seeing that one, verses what I have, I enjoy mine a lot more! I feel like it has more visibility upfront than the Fit, as well as more space upfront as well. I really don’t know a whole lot about cars, so take this with a grain of salt!
      Likes:
      -Cute. Obviously this doesn’t matter but I really enjoy how cute this car is lol.
      -Pretty good gas mileage.
      -Larger trunk space than I expected, and the back seats can be pushed down for more room.
      -Four cupholders, and they aren’t in a little thing that folds down in the back, there’s two up front and two in the middle.
      -I really have only had to get oil changes, tires (get this car in November 2015), and air filter changes so far. Probably coming up on a bigger tune up soon tho.
      -Relatively good amount of space for the back seat.
      -Bluetooth for music, but I think most cars now have that feature.
      Dislikes:
      -It has five seats, but if you fill the car with people it will whine and it will take a long time to get up to speed.
      -It has little horsepower. I have no idea what the actual number is, but every other car I have driven accelerates much faster lol. This doesn’t affect me too much, but I may look for a little bit more power in my next vehicle.
      -There’s a Captain’s Chair (I think) upfront with an armrest, but the passenger side doesn’t have one, which isn’t that serious but I really like armrests aha.

      1. Please Exit Through the Rear Door*

        Thanks for the comments on the Versa Note! I will look into this car as well.
        I rented a Versa sedan once, probably around 2010, and now that I remember it, I was impressed overall. It was definitely short on power, but quiet. As long as there’s enough power to safely merge onto a highway, it’s something I’d live with. It was really roomy for a car of its size, and the gas mileage was amazing (it used less than half a tank of gas over a 250-mile drive). Thanks for reminding me of this car.

      2. Grits McGee*

        When I was shopping for cars, I went in thinking I would get a Honda Fit but found I like the Versa Note much better. Test driving the Fit felt like driving a tank, including way less visibility than I was used to both on the sides of the windshield and the back window. It just felt heavy in a way that the Versa Note didn’t.
        I agree with what everyone else has said- it’s a super easy car to parallel park, is pretty low maintenance, and gets good gas mileage. It definitely has a less powerful engine than my old 2006 Honda Civic, but I’m a pretty gentle driver, so it hasn’t made that much of a difference. It does well on the highway, though it does get buffeted by the wind. Definitely enough power to merge on the highway, though it might take a heavier foot on the gas.

        1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

          Thanks very much. I will most likely look at both the Fit and Note. The more solid feel of the Fit might not be a negative for me. I do want a car with good visibility, though, and it looks like the prices of Versas are substantially less than those of Fits right now. We will see.

    7. Pregnant during COVID*

      I have a 2018 Honda CRV. Sharing because I went to the dealer wanting the HRV but the cargo space was so small and I didn’t like the rear visibility. The CRV is not much bigger and has a low profile – which is good because I’m only 5’2”. One other thing, and I may be misremembering the dates slightly but at the time the HRV was due for a refresh in 2019 so the 2018 model didn’t have as many newer features as the CRV, which was updated in the 2018 model. In case things like being able to sync with Apple through Bluetooth are important to you.

      1. Filosofickle*

        I was super disappointed in the HRV design! It has so little interior space and lousy handling/performance. I love Honda and this car type (CRV is too big for me), and am hoping they sort this out before I’m in the market again.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I love my CRV. I was just saying yesterday, he feels huge on the inside, but doesn’t drive like a big SUV, he feels like driving a normal sized sedan to me. But the HRV seemed weird, like they’d tried to cram the body of a CRV onto the chassis of a Civic or Accord and really just got the worst parts of both.

      3. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        My current car is a CRV. It’s great! The main reasons I was looking to move downward was that the newer generation CRVs are a bit too big for me and a bit too expensive. Also, I’d rather not have a turbocharged engine. But the HRV might be too much of a compromise, and you’re right, not much of a difference on price from what I’m seeing. Hmm.

    8. Girasol*

      My Fit is older but I have to pop in here and say I love it. It’s my tardis: bigger on the inside than on the outside. At over 200,000 miles it’s needed hardly anything but checkups and my mechanic says it’ll be around forever. I get about 40 mpg now, a bit less than when it was new. It doesn’t burn any oil and the oil is still pretty clean when the computer says it’s due for change. The biggest downside I can think of is its underwhelming “feet” setting on the heater, much cooler than the Civic where I could turn it on and smell hot sneakers in thirty seconds. But if you’re not looking for a rolling foot warmer, the Fit is tops.

    9. HBJ*

      I had something similar but older. Get. The. Hatchback. Hatchbacks are amazing. So much space for a four-door car. We fit our mountain bikes in there with the seats flopped down and the front wheels taken off. I loved it so much. I would drive one of those forever except I really needed something bigger.

    10. Mary Berry*

      I have a 2018 Honda Civic hatchback, and I love it! It fits a good amount in the back even before putting the seats down (partner is a music teacher and regularly takes large instruments to school). We chose the hatchback option because it was better spacewise. The main negative for us with this car is that it doesn’t have a CD drive, so we got a basic iPod in order to connect to bluetooth to play our music.

    11. GoryDetails*

      I have a 2017 Subaru Impreza hatchback and – mostly – love it; it’s small and nimble, good for parking, and the hatchback gives me more haul-space when I need it. I’ve been a Subaru owner for over 20 years now (my last one got to 200,000 miles before it reached the stage where I didn’t want to pay to have it repaired anymore), and like them a lot. [The quibble I have with the 2017 Impreza is that the ground-clearance is less than it was in the 2001 Impreza Outback I had before. I only notice it when trying to back out of my driveway over not-plowed-yet snow ridges, or on the occasional too-steep driveway, so it doesn’t really cause me problems, but I was so used to the clearance on the older model that I was disappointed in the change. That’s what I get for not doing any car shopping for 17 years I guess!]

      I have a friend who’s devoted to her Prius, and I’ll certainly look into hybrids next time I’m car-shopping, though with luck that won’t be for some time…

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        Thanks – I forgot that the Impreza was available as a hatchback. I’ll look into that. Every Subaru I’ve been in has had a slow and rough-running engine, so I never considered it. But the last Subaru I was in was probably more than 15 years ago.

    12. Pentapus*

      2016 Honda fit. I hate that the struts on the side of the windshield are so large that if you’re turning the car slowly and someone is in the blind spot due to the struts you really will not see them till you nearly hit them. I’m not the only one with this problem. Also the back window on both the fit and the Mazda are useless for backing out – can’t see much out those windows.

        1. Pentapus*

          On the other hand, has > 50,000 miles on it, and the only thing I’ve done is change the oil, and summer/winter tires. Super reliable, and once you’re aware of the strut issue you learn to wobble your head back and forth. So: there is a learning curve, but definitely a low-maintenance car. And, can definitely fit 4 adults, all beach-going supplies and two (deflated) paddleboards. So, not all bad.

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        I see a number of Civic hatchbacks in my neighborhood. I didn’t consider them because they’re a bit *too* flashy for me. But they are really sharp cars. Sounds like poor visibility is a fairly common theme with these small hatches. Maybe that’s part of the reason why SUVs have become so popular.

    14. Ranon*

      2013 Subaru Impreza hatchback- great visibility, really good road “feel”, good handling (really good for heavy rain as well as the usual winter conditions), good head clearance (without a sunroof). Cons- lower gas mileage because of the awd (although CVT helps some), outrageously bad road noise (different tires may help, we haven’t experimented much). I have the basic knobs only dash, the “high tech” interface in that model year range was atrocious.

    15. The Time Being*

      2012 Honda Fit here. I love it! It is startlingly roomy for its small size, maneuverable, visually distinctive enough to be easy to find in a parking lot, and in nearly a decade of ownership, the only work I’ve had to have done on it besides routine maintenance has been getting the rear struts replaced, which was a bit of a saga for reasons that are entirely not the car’s fault. It drives well, sits high enough that I don’t have every oncoming car’s headlights directly in my eyes, and is just overall a really great fit (har har) for my needs.

      There are some downsides, though: part of the roominess is that it is not well insulated, either for temperature or noise. The battery is apparently kind of a specialist item; when the battery died, I had to go to a couple different places before I found one that had the correct type of replacement. And at 5’8, I’m about as tall a driver as can easily fit in the driver’s seat. I have it pushed all the way back and could be comfortable with another inch or two of leg room, although it’s fine as it is.

    16. saf*

      I have an 07 fit, bought it in 06. It is a wonderful car. I have the sport model, manual transmission. They hold up well – I did have some leaking around the hatch seal that resulted in a lake around the spare tire at one point, but that was fixable. Maintenance costs have been low, and gas mileage is quite good – MUCH better on the highway than in town though. Also, the cargo space and flexibility is amazing.

    17. Selene*

      I’ve got a Honda Jazz 2012 (which is a Honda Fit as far as I understand) and before I got it, I looked at a bunch of other small hatchbacks. The biggest considerations for me was space and visibility.

      What I like about the Honda is it has these windows in the side panel that reduce the blindspot caused by the frame of the car around the windscreen. Similarly, I like that the seats in the Honda can fold completely flat, meaning that if I need to do an Ikea run, as long as nothing is longer than the car, I can usually fit everything into it. Lots of people are surprised by how much space there is inside it, my best friend is over 6 foot and heavy set and he was surprised to discover he fit better in it than he did in his old car (part of why he ended up getting one of his own).

      My dad had a VW Golf that I personally found a nightmare to drive, because it was a turbo and it was damn near impossible to get it to just crawl forward, it liked to jump forward. Not a problem if you’re living somewhere with no traffic, but in a city with bumper to bumper traffic, no thank you.

      My best friend has a newer Honda Fit and his main peeve is the lack of android play/apple play compatibility, but I’m fairly sure that’s specific to the ones we get here from what I remember.

      In terms of reliability, both my Fit and my friend’s have done a lot of miles with little problem and mine has survived an interaction with a kangaroo and with a major hail storm.

      Ultimately though, the main thing is to work out what is important to you and to try before you buy.

  22. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

    One more question, for those who use Facebook: The “one year ago” posts are making me sad and driving me crazy and there’s no way to shut them off. Everyone is posting them. If I simply stop using Facebook for two weeks, until the year anniversary of the plague passes in my area, will my feed start with the day I restart (or close to it) or am I going to be flooded with posts from this March 6-13 period I want to avoid? Thanks.

    2. Hamish*

      I’ve been staying off Facebook most of the time for about the last 6 months, but whenever I do sign in, my ‘feed’ is all stuff that people have posted recently.

    3. Fran*

      I have unfollowed a lot of people on social media and keep unfollowing whenever I get triggered.

    4. Please Exit Through the Rear Door*

      This is reassuring. Thank you. Re: muting and unfollowing people, out of ~150 friends or so, I’m actually down to following about ten people’s posts, if even that. Any more muting and I’d not be on Facebook at all, which is the direction I very well might go for a couple of weeks.

    5. Grapey*

      There is a way to hide date ranges and/or certain people.

      On desktop (haven’t tested this with mobile), go to facebook (dot) com (slash) memories.

      WARNING that some memories might appear (since this is the main page where you will definitely see memories, but keep your eyes on the left side and click “Hide Dates” to set a range to hide.

      1. Natalie*

        I think that only hides your own “on this day” posts though, the OP seems to be talking about other people sharing their “on this day” posts.

  23. Extending family*

    Question about known sperm donors! My spouse and I (both cis women) are interested in having a baby soon and are preparing to ask a friend if he would donate sperm for us.

    If you’ve asked someone you know to donate sperm: What advice do you have for reaching out, conversations leading up to their decision, and collaboratively determining logistics? If the person donated, how did the process go? How did your relationship change during the course of this?

    If you’ve been (or been asked to be) a known sperm donor: What do you consider when making your decision? What advice do you have for the conversations leading up to the decision? If you donated, how burdensome did the process feel on your end? If you declined to donate, how comfortable were you being open about the reasons for your decision? How did your relationship change during the course of this?

    If you’re a queer or trans person whose body produces sperm: Is it on your radar that queer egg-producing friends of yours might someday ask you to donate sperm? How would being queer or trans affect your thought process or decision?

    Any details or reflections from your experiences that you’d like to share are welcome! That said, I’m not interested in discussing the relative merits of known donor vs. unknown donor this weekend, and we’re lucky to live in a state that has a simple process for establishing legal parentage in the courts (sucks that this is uncommon and so many queer parents have to adopt their own children). Thanks in advance!

    1. Hamish*

      I don’t have a lot to contribute – my partner and I are both trans men and went through a sperm bank – but just wanted to say best of luck from one future queer parent to another. :)

      1. Extending family*

        Thank you! I remember your pregnancy from a previous comment- wishing you and your family the best of luck and smoothest of journeys as well!

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      I don’t have any advice but I want to wish you and your wife the best of luck as you begin your parenting journey. I hope it’s everything you want it to be and more.

    3. Janet Pinkerton*

      My wife and I ended up going the unknown-donor sperm route. (Still no pregnancy yet.) We considered asking my best friend but when we looked into it, known-donor sperm actually ends up being way more complicated than sperm bank sperm. (If you’re not doing an at-home insemination, that is.) The sperm has to be frozen and quarantined for six months before a doctor will do an IUI with it. You very often have to involve lawyers.

      For this reason (and for emotions reasons which I will get to) we went with an anonymous donor. Emotions: I love my best friend with my whole heart and we have been close for over a decade but an entire lifetime is a very long time to commit. And that’s what it would be. Plus like, I didn’t want anyone other than me or my wife to have any possible claim on him whatsoever. Not even legally, just emotionally.

      2. Person from the Resume*

        I think you need to involve lawyers so that the sperm donor signs his/her parental rights away. But also do the the donor is assured that you cant legally ask for child support later.

        1. Extending family*

          If you have personal experience involving lawyers for this purpose, I would love to hear about how those interactions went and if you have advice to someone going in. Otherwise, please rest assured we’ve researched the legal aspects of the process thoroughly and are familiar with the benefits of legal counsel.

      3. One of two mothers*

        My wife and I had a similar journey and ended up in the same place with an unknown donor (and now with two children). We considered asking certain friends but never found anyone who felt right so we never broached the subject with anyone.
        What might be relevant to you is that our clinic told us that success rates with known donors are much lower (because unknown donors, at least in our country, are screened) and mentioned the psychological burden if your friend discovers their infertility by doing a favor for you, and the burden on a friendship if the process takes a long time to work.
        The one person we considered asking went on to donate to other friends of his and it was successful. The relationship between the two mothers broke down because the non-gestational mother felt like she had no role, as the ‘father’ was in the picture, so it’s definitely a dynamic that needs careful handling.

        1. Extending family*

          Thanks for pointing out the possibility of the donor discovering unfortunate information about their own health, we’ll definitely keep that in mind and bring up for discussion when the time comes. I think we’ll be fine on the other two points- thanks for sharing your knowledge!

    4. Erin*

      My wife and I have one child (and hope to have at least one more) via a known donor. We tried at-home inseminations first, and when that didn’t work, we sought out a fertility doctor. Our child was ultimately conceived through IVF.

      When we asked our dear friend if he would consider being our donor, I think I just said something along the lines of “[Wife] and I are ready to start trying to conceive and we wanted to know if you would consider being our sperm donor” – basically wanting/expecting only an answer to whether he would consider vs was it out of the question. He was very flattered and excited and said he wanted to think and talk about it with his partner and with us. We had several conversations over the course of a month and by the end of that we felt we were all on the same page and ready to move forward.

      As another commenter notes below, there are more regulatory steps when working with a known donor (basically you’re having to individually do the legwork that the sperm bank would otherwise do) but it’s not insurmountable. One thing I would note is that it is worth it to locate a fertility practice that works with known donors early in the process, even if you plan to start with at-home inseminations. Not all practices have the infrastructure in place to maintain compliance with the additional regulations that come with using a known donor. We were not able to use our first choice practice for this reason. Also, regulations vary by state, so while the 6-month quarantine mentioned by another commenter is common it is not universal.

      Happy to answer any follow up questions!

      1. Extending family*

        Thank you for all of this, and for your willingness to answer follow-up questions! Would you mind sharing what you and the donor discussed before he made his decision, and what his donation role/process/duration looked like? Did any of you express limitations on how much effort you were willing to put in to donate or become pregnant? Also, how has your relationship with him changed as a result of going through this together?

        1. Erin*

          We discussed what he/we saw as the role he would have in the child’s life to make sure we were all in alignment (including preferences for what we would tell the child about his role in her conception). We were all clear that he would have no legal or financial obligations toward the child and also no parental or custodial claims or rights (this is also spelled out in the contract we executed). We also agreed that we would cover any and all costs he incurred from the process (dr appts, travel, etc). He is from a different religious background than we are and I made sure he was okay with his religion not being a part of her upbringing (not that we plan to keep that part of her genetic heritage from her, but we won’t be raising her in that (or any) faith). I asked what (if anything) he would be sharing with his extended family about the process, not that I needed a particular answer, but just because I wanted to be aware of what they would know.

          As far as the process, at first we tried at-home inseminations. When that didn’t work he traveled (at our expense) to our fertility clinic to do the health screenings and to donate sperm. He did that twice during the whole process. We all agreed that anyone could decide they’d had enough at any point and stop the process, but even though it took years longer than we hoped, that didn’t come up.

          Our relationship is closer than ever and really a beautiful unexpected side benefit of the whole process. He is just delighted by her (he doesn’t plan to have kids and hasn’t really been around a lot of small children) and has been able to visit twice since her birth a year and a half ago. I’m really thrilled with how smoothly things have gone. I thought they would, or we wouldn’t have done it, but it’s the sort of thing that you can’t really know how it’s going to go until you’re actually doing it, you know?

          Happy to try to answer anything else you’d like to know. Best of luck to you!!!

          1. Extending family*

            Could you share a bit about the fertility practices- the infrastructure needed/to ask about with regard to known donors, and the hoops (both expected and unexpected) you were required to jump through with the practice you used?

            Thank you again for sharing your experiences, I appreciate it so very much–especially because it sounds like our approaches (and what we’re hoping for should we be lucky enough to have a child with this route) seem very similar. These are the last questions I have at the moment, and I’ll confer with my spouse to see if we can think of any others before this weekend thread closes. :)

            1. Erin*

              As far as the fertility practice, you should just be able to ask if they work with patients who want to use a known donor; it should be a straightforward yes/no answer. In our experience, the bigger the practice, the more likely they are to be able to accommodate a known donor.

              If I’m remembering correctly, the steps included lots of consent forms for all parties, a signed contract between me, my wife, and our donor, health screening and genetic testing for him and for me, a one-hour consult for each of us with a therapist (I think that was state-mandated and intended to ensure that we were considered psychologically capable of consenting to the arrangement)… not sure if I’m forgetting anything, I absolutely could be.

              For the legal contract, I would consider starting out by googling “known sperm donor agreement” and look at a few different templates to see if you can put together a rough outline of what you want included before you seek representation – that way the attorney does not have to start from scratch and they can still advise you if anything else needs to be added or considered. If you don’t yet have an attorney in mind, I would look for a practice in your area (or in a big city within your state) that specializes in LGBTQ+ family law.

    5. Anon here*

      Hope you get more responses soon, but I’ll chime in as someone whose friends did this. My friends A and B were very close with another couple C and D, and they had a lot of deep discussions together and C and D agreed to donate sperm. They decided to try to co-parent as well. A lot of things have worked well; the kids have a ton of family from all sides and that family support has been really useful. There have also been tensions: while the guys are certainly trying and do contribute, the fact is they live a child-free life on a day to day basis and so they have nice things at toddler level in their house that they forget to put away, they still plan adult-style dinner parties and expect the kids to behave and be quiet, just stuff that if you were ultimately responsible for children daily you wouldn’t do. They get to be the fun dads. I think all parties involved have worked really hard and done therapy together etc, and there’s lots of love, but the realities of living with babies and toddlers are just different than not living with them. Anyhow, I was obviously not party at all to any of the initial conversations you discuss, but a few years down the road I’ve seen the push and pull of two couples who thoughtfully and intentionally took this step together.

      1. Extending family*

        That’s a really intriguing arrangement–not one we’re going to enter into, but I appreciate hearing about it all the same!

    6. Anon for this*

      My wife and I (both cis women) pursued the known donor route first, although never got to the stage of insemination that way. If I remember, we asked both people very straightforwardly, in email first, and then discussed in person. One was my brother and we got all the way to starting to go through a contract (I think we found a model online? Or friends who had done the same gave us theirs as a model. Not legally binding where we were, but still recommended). Then he changed his mind (I’m still not sure why). The other person declined after an initial conversation, but that was more of a long shot. It didn’t change our relationships with either one, but tbh, I’m still sad and wonder about why my brother backed out (totally his right to do!). I will say the whole asking process did take a while, so I would be prepared for time on that end

      Best of luck!

      1. Extending family*

        Thank you for sharing this! I have been curious about cases where the person declines. If you return to these comments- is there any advice you’d give, or anything you wish you’d known or thought of, going into the conversations you had with these two?

    7. queer mom*

      My wife and I (also both cis women) ended up not using a known donor for reasons of cost–at-home insemination was not an option for us medically, and my wife is a carrier for a fatal genetic disease, so we would have needed very comprehensive genetic testing in addition to paying for all the other stuff a sperm bank would normally do; we were also committed to paying for separate legal counsel and a family counselor for ourselves and the donor…it was going to add up. We ultimately went with an ID disclosure donor from a sperm bank.

      But we did approach our friend about it before making that determination, and my advice based on that experience would be to think a lot about timeline and be very transparent with the donor about that. In our case, our friend had offered casually before we asked more seriously, so it didn’t feel out of the blue (I’m sure our incredible awkwardness gave him a clue for what was coming.) The major points of discussion were: What level of closeness did all of us want, and what did that mean to each of us specifically? We’d been throwing around the term “uncle,” but for me, that meant “I see you once a year, maybe,” whereas for my wife, it was more like “once a month and occasional babysitting.” We talked about ways that our lives might change both specifically (What if someone moved far away? What if we get divorced? What if he chooses to have kids later down the road?) and generally (How will we all feel if we end up growing apart, or if the kid’s level of interest in a relationship changes in either direction?) We also talked about other friends and family members–how transparent would we be about the fact that this friend was our donor? Would his parents want a relationship with the kid, and would we all feel ok with that?

      Obviously, this was all a lot to figure out, and our donor (very reasonably) wanted time to think about it and talk to other people (particularly other gay men in his case) who had donated for friends. Where tension crept in is that it took him several months to make the decision (which, again, reasonable!), during which time the money started to add up as we got further down the path medically. Eventually, he said yes…and then we had to say no. In retrospect, I’d have made sure to do the medical workup stuff first and then set a timeline (6 months? a year?) for his decision–enough to give him a real amount of time to decide, without postponing the decision indefinitely.

      Also, I’d make room for grief if it doesn’t work out with a person you have your heart set on for whatever reason. I was surprised by how gutted I felt when we realized that using our friend’s sperm wouldn’t be possible for us — it reminded me (in some ways–obviously, I know these are different experiences) of the grief some straight cis couples feel when they are diagnosed with infertility. I’d already started fantasizing about our future family and what it would look like, and realizing that fantasy would never come to pass was really hard. Our relationship was more distant for a few months, though it’s since recovered.

      Also, final advice! It might be worth looking into therapists/family counselors who work with poly and/or queer couples and can walk through some questions and hypotheticals (with all three of you as well as individually) to help make sure you’re all on the same page. We have friends who’ve done this and found it really helpful.

      1. Extending family*

        Thank you for writing all of this out! A lot of what you said is adjacent to what we’ve been formulating, but it is so so helpful to hear these specifics. If you happen to return to this and have anything else you’d like to share, I would love to hear it!

  24. Mo*

    For people who became fluent (or highly proficient) in a new language as an adult *without* moving to a different country or having family or friends that speak the language … how did you do it? What were your methods, techniques, and daily/weekly habits?

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      One of my students (I’m an ESL teacher) has just completely changed his input language outside of work/study from Russian to English. He no longer reads books in Russian (he’s just finished Station Eleven and has started the Expanse series this week), he doesn’t watch anything in Russian (Netflix is the key here) and he has lessons with me twice a week for an hour a time were we discuss various topics. He doesn’t focus so much on the grammar and writing as listening, speaking, and reading are more important to him right now.

      And, as I tell my students, the more you engage with the language through listening and reading, the better you’ll be when you come to speak it. If you’re a beginner in the language, start with children’s books and shows, then move onto young adult, and so on and so on.

      I disagree with the premise that you need to move to another country to learn a language as I live in Spain and my Spanish is nowhere near as good as my Russian student’s English who has never left Russia.

      Consistency and finding things you enjoy to do are more important than anything else.

    2. Yenda*

      I’ve recently begun learning Spanish, I’m only about 2 weeks in. I’ve been using Duolingo, and I’ve approached it like I study in college. I block out X amount of time during the day to just use the app, and I write out my mistakes. (I’m a kinesthetic learner.) They also have a podcast that’s entirely in Spanish. Once I get a little more experience, I want to try to find children’s books in Spanish for additional practice.

      1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        I don’t know if they still do it, but about 30 years ago, Highlights for Children had at least one full page of Spanish facing the same information in English. You could cover the English page while reading the Spanish one, then use it to check your fluency afterward.

    3. Qwerty*

      Not fluent yet (I don’t really have enough time to dedicate) but I was the best at Spanish when using LingoDeer. I bought the lifetime membership so I can use it offline and because they really put effort into constantly improving the lessons and thoroughly explain the grammar. They recently added speaking lessons and practicing conversations, which really helps the info stick.

      Check if your library has children’s books in the language, and start with the picture books just like when learning to read as a kid while working your way up in difficulty. Children’s movies/shows can be surprisingly difficult since there is more vocab than you would think in there, so I used to practice translating Disney songs to expand my vocab. The act of writing it out it (rather than typing in an app) seemed to help me remember the words better too.

    4. Buni*

      Without moving to the country, your best bet is still ‘as much immersion as possible’. Is there a [language] communnity where you live, where you could hang out in cafes or ask at a community centre? Can you get tv programmes? Can you watch English tv but put the [language] subtitles on?

      I know France has a program where they match you up with a person in a French seniors’ home and you zoom chat to help your language and their loneliness, maybe see if there’s anything like that about…

    5. Cambridge Comma*

      I grew up monolingually and have learned 5 languages well after childhood, one to the extent that native speakers cannot tell that I am not a native speaker. What worked for me that is perhaps not the advice you usually see was (a) really understanding all the fine grammatical details of my mother tongue. (b) ignoring all grammar teaching I ever encountered. I deliberately tuned it out if I couldn’t avoid it. (c) Have an internal monologue in your head in the language you are learning, always. It will be very simple at first but will get more complex. (d) never care about making mistakes.

      1. Cambridge Comma*

        Internal monologue always…when you aren’t doing anything you need to think about that should have said. Obviously not while you’re giving that big quarterly presentation.

    6. Worked in IT forever*

      I’ve been doing language courses through a university’s continuing studies department for a few years now. (I also did language classes in high school and as an undergrad, but that was a million years ago and I became super rusty.) These courses are my main approach. For me, these courses (which are no longer in-class but are now virtual–I can see and hear the instructor and other students) work well to give me a good basis (reading, writing, speaking, and listening; grammar and vocab). I am definitely not fluent, but I’d like to eventually be fluent in French and maybe Spanish.

      A bunch of other things I’ve done/used:
      –I have “cheat sheets”: summaries of grammar, verb conjugations, and vocab that I made and that I go through on my own.
      — The hardest thing for me is understanding rapidly spoken language. I have tried to do things like watch movies and TV and listen to radio in my target languages. I’m in Canada, and it’s easy to find TV, movies, and radio in French, even though I’m not in a primarily French-speaking area. Also, even if what you’re watching was not originally made in your target language, you can often switch the language in things like Netflix. I think it can help to watch something where you have some familiarity with the subject or story already (e.g., the news or TV or movie you’ve already watched in English).
      –There are tons of YouTube videos that can be useful. One nice thing about YouTube videos is that you can slow the speech if it’s too fast.
      -I’ve also tried going to news websites in my target languages (e.g., the Spanish version of CNN).
      -The Reddit “languagelearning” forum can be useful. You should be able to find lots of ideas for learning techniques and resources there. Also, there are Reddit forums for learning specific languages.

      Also, I have not tried this myself, but there are websites like iTalki where you can hire language teachers.

      There are a ton of language-learning and translation resources on the web, but here a few that I’ve particularly liked (to avoid going into moderation, I haven’t provided links, but you can easily Google the names):
      -Forvo: you can search for words and listen to how native speakers pronounce them.
      -ThoughtCo: covers tons of language-learning topics for several languages.
      -SpanishDict (for Spanish only, of course): lots of translation, grammar, and vocab resources.

    7. Public Sector Manager*

      Both my former Russian teacher in college and my wife did the same thing: foreign language tv shows. My former Russian teacher learned English from watching reruns of easy to understand shows–Gilligan’s Island, Brady Bunch, etc.. My wife moved to Germany without knowing any German, and although she was learning German from the locals, she also used to watch Wheel of Fortune and game shows at night to help with proficiency.

      I keep on jumping in and out of learning German and I found YouTV useful–there is a free version and you can stream German TV shows and US shows dubbed back into German. I’ve found that shows like CHiPs and Knight Rider are really easy to follow. If you’re in the US and want to pick up Spanish, finding Spanish language tv shows is easy. Also, for any show on Netflix, Hulu, etc., you can see if they have a foreign language audio track.

      I have another friend who takes it one step further and recommends kids shows in foreign languages, especially shows designed for very young kids, like Sesame Street. If you think about it, that’s how kids learn languages–from just listening to the words around them!

    8. Language learner*

      I speak fluent Spanish and Portuguese and learned both as an adult. I started studying Spanish 5 years ago and Portuguese 2 years ago. Here are my best tips :)

      – I took a ton of classes with native professors through a website called Italki. You can find professors to teach you any language. This was way helpful, as every class I’ve ever taken is 100% in the target language. So you’re immersed from day 1. And of course, I couldn’t understand everything they said at the beginning but it’s very important to hear the language spoken by native people and step outside of your comfort zone and begin speaking.

      – Speaking is the key to fluency. If you never speak, you’ll never practice those skills. It’s like learning to play an instrument. Could you learn to play the guitar by only listening to people playing and studying music theory?

      – Re: above. It’s also important to practice all of the other skills if you want a well rounded high level. Vocabulary, listening, reading, writing and grammar.

      – The website Italki also allows you to find language partners to practice with (those that want to learn English). I also recommend Tandem to find friends to practice with!

      – Don’t waste your time with language learning apps. You can learn so much more on your own vs wasting time on an app. I’ve tried them all, and none of them will truly help you learn the language and learn to speak it fluently. It’s also addicting, which is what they want, so you spend more time on it.

      – Allow yourself to fail, language learning is a frustrating but gratifying process. It’s not easy, and if it were, more people would speak more languages. Unless you’re a magical unicorn, you’re not going to speak fluently within a year. I took classes 2-4 times a week + studied on my own and I felt like I could speak Spanish fluently within a year and a half. It also depends which language you want to learn. Romance languages are easier than Germanic languages, and languages like Mandarin or Japanese are very challenging.

      – You should watch movies and shows in other languages with subtitles for fun, and not focus on trying to understand what they say without having to read the subtitles. It’s very challenging for a lot of reasons, like background noise, emotional speech, people interrupting, and the fact that people aren’t speaking directly into a microphone or directly at you. I always recommend listening to podcasts or YouTube videos of native people speaking to practice your listening skills.

      That’s all I can think of for now! If you’re learning Spanish or Portuguese, let me know and I’ll send you my resources :)

  25. Anonymous today*

    My spouse is a hoarder and I’m about at my wits’ end. Any time I try to throw anything away there’s an argument. I can toss some actual trash, but not receipts, original packaging for non food items, anything that is broken, or anything they think might be repurposed. (Nothing ever actually gets repurposed.) I can’t sell or donate anything because “it’s disrespectful” to whoever originally bought the item. I really want to clean our place up- there are entire rooms in our house we can’t use because they’re full of stuff- but my spouse gets so agitated when I even mention it that I’m concerned for their mental health. Has anyone ever experienced this and come out the other side? I don’t want to divorce them (for many reasons I won’t go into, me leaving isn’t a viable option.) I’ve been trying for years to get them to go for therapy with me but they refuse. I’ve come to accept that the only thing I can change is myself, so I’m hoping for some suggestions.

    1. WellRed*

      Are you yourself going to therapy? If not, start there. Sorry but if you won’t leave the hoarder and the hoarder won’t respect your needs, you’re probably stuck in this pattern. I use “respect” intentionally here since that’s come up for you and the hoarder. The hoarder is concerned with disrespecting some random person, but not you. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

      1. fposte*

        Absolutely nailed it with that sentence about who the hoarder is focused on disrespecting.

        As somebody who has had hoarding tendencies, I would say that the reasons are often second to the anxiety, so refuting the reason doesn’t necessarily solve the problem. Even if I said, for example, that I was worried about the people who gave me the item, having them appear before me and tell me to get rid of it would just have made me switch to another reason.

        1. Anonymous today*

          Yes, I go to therapy. And yes, I absolutely believe that “disrespect” is not the true reason, since there have been times where I am the original purchaser as well as the person who wants to get rid of a thing, and in those cases a new excuse appears.

        2. Christmas Carol*

          I would say it is more disrespectful to prevent the object from getting into the hands of someone who can make good use of it, so selling or donating is actually more respectful, to both the original buyer, and the object itself.

    2. Holly the spa pro*

      My mother and my in laws are hoarders and i don’t know if i have actionable advice but i just wanted to say that im very sorry you are going through this because it is so hard.
      Without intervention and/or therapy its really hard to change those behaviors. Something that sort of worked for my family was a “6 month rule” since a common excuse is that things could be repurposed. If a use for an item hasnt been found in 6 months its ok to donate it or let it go. This wasnt 100 percent successful but it did help some. For my in laws they each have their own space for their hoarding (they dont call it or see it as such btw) but they have managed to keep it in their own spaces which equates to one room for each of them, absolutely packed with stuff. Its helps it from spilling into the rest of the home (mostly).

      If he doesnt want to pursue therapy, is he open to having candid conversations about how you feel and the effect this is having on you? Would he be open to coming up with compromises so that you can both function in the space? The hoarders in my life are very sensitive to judgement or perceived judgement on their hoarding but if your approach is “i hear you that these things are important to you for these reasons, here is what is important to me, how do we meet in the middle?” That is the approach that has been most effective for my family.
      Im sending you all the best.

      2. Anonymous today*

        We tried having a designated area for the stuff. For a long time it sort of worked, but the last few years there have been some life events (normal things we all experience if we’re fortunate enough to get older) that seem to have had the effect of making them hold on tighter to all the stuff. I’m not sure how to even have a conversation that they won’t perceive as non-judgmental. At this point, me not being able to find an item often results in a defensive verbal tirade accusing me of being too critical.

    3. sswj*

      My spouse is a borderline hoarder too. Not anxious or angry about certain things being thrown away, and his is fairly focused on electronics and weird internet finds. He also likes to buy me random crap that he thinks I’d like, but it’s more stuff the HE likes. It’s a LOT and it will take over the house if I let it.

      We finally had a sit-down talk where I said flat out that all that stuff he keeps, all the little “presents” he thought were fun and interesting didn’t make me happy, it all stressed me right the eff out and made me not enjoy being in my own house. Just talking about it got me so agitated that I think he finally saw ME, not his assumption of me.

      So he does try to rein in his buying for me, and he has agreed to keep his collection to his office and closet-room, and to his work shed. Anything that sits out for too long and starts to attract other clutter I put in one of his spaces. There’s some of his electronic stuff out and about, and I don’t hide everything of his, but he’s come to understand that a not-cluttered space can be comforting too. (Brought fairly forcefully to his attention when he kept sitting at my computer in my work area because ‘it was so nice here’. Yes, because I WORK at keeping it reasonably tidy!! Hrmpf …)

      Anyway, I think some ground rules need to be set out that you both can abide by. Good luck, this is hard, I know.

    4. Serenity*

      My community has a resource called the Hoarding Task Force. You might have something like that where you are. Ours does assessments, workshops, and other kinds of assistance. Best of luck to you (both).

      1. Anonymous today*

        I’ve never heard of anything like that, but will definitely be doing some research today! Thank you!

    5. twocents*

      I wish I had advice to offer you but I can only share my experience. My grandparents are hoarders, my grandfather more so than my grandmother. There is just simply a pathway through their house through the walls of stuff. they know they have things that you can’t find My grandmother wasn’t happy with it, but 50 years of marriage later and it’s still there. My grandfather passed away 4 years ago, and although my grandmother never wanted to live like this, the mountains of stuff are still so overwhelming that that is still where she is at: in a house surrounded by walls of stuff. Without therapy and a real willingness to change, I don’t see how your future will be different honestly. I suppose you could go “f— it” and just rent a dumpster and start tossing it, but something must be stopping you from doing that.

      1. fposte*

        It’s almost always advised against—the hoarder will refill the space ASAP and have a damaged relationship with the person who threw the stuff out.

        1. twocents*

          Right: I just meant from a standpoint of OP won’t leave, spouse won’t change. Unless OP takes upon themselves to decide they want to not live in a dumpster heap anymore, f— the consequences, this will be their life.

          1. fposte*

            Yeah, I agree with that conclusion; it’s just that tossing the stuff out probably won’t be enough to get them to never living in a junk heap again unless it drives the spouse out.

        2. RC Rascal*

          It eventually gets to the point where it has to go if they like it or not. The home will start to experience structural issues & repair issues. The hoarder won’t let workmen in because they are embarrassed. They cover the windows with their clutter & then there is no egress in case of fire. The odor builds up. For a while I thought my mom was going to need to go to assisted living. Those facilities flat out told me they did not allow furniture to come in from a hoarder house.

          Vermin come in. Bugs, mice , and snakes. The kitchen & bathrooms become unusable from the clutter. As they run out of closets & spare rooms it goes into the main living areas of the home. If the hoarder rents the landlord kicks them out. If there is a mortgage the house is now under water because the clutter & associated damage to the house devalue the home.

          1. fposte*

            With high level hoarders, yes. Most hoarding doesn’t hit that level.

            More to the point, it’s not likely to be a solution to the “I don’t want to keep living this way” problem, which sounds like the problem the OP wants to solve.

            1. RC Rascal*

              Hoarding tends to get worse over time. One theory is that is had some triggers in trauma. it’s wrong to think it can stay at the level it’s at now. Plan for it to get worse.

              I had to clean up the aftermath & would never have dreamed the pack rattedness would ever get to that level.

        3. Batgirl*

          I couldn’t agree more; the only success stories I know of focus on the cause rather than the symptom. My in-law had this with her parents and everything she tossed was replaced in duplicate. The social workers told her to instead draw boundaries about her own behaviour: “I’m not coming in to any rooms with stuff on the floor” and asking her mother to decide what stuff to keep that fit, to meet that boundary.

    6. Girasol*

      I read the other day that some people feel calmer when their home environment is neat and organized, while others feel more reassured if they are surrounded by lots of stuff. My husband grew up poor so tons of “might need that someday” stuff appeals to him, the more disarray the better. (I think that makes the heap look bigger.) I grew up moving so I feel tense when the amount of disorganization I’d have to handle if we moved looks daunting. The only thing that sorta works is that he gets a big bedroom for a “workshop” and has all the bigger closets and shed space for his stuff. I try to ignore those spaces and we can close doors if company visits. I get a small room for a neat study and one small closet. I keep the public areas of the house tidy for company, so stuff he wants to keep vanishes from those places to be squirreled away safely in his space. It’s not a perfect arrangement but it sort of balances how he should respect my need for a clean orderly home, but I ought to respect his need for visible abundance.

      1. Dan*

        I understand a lot of this. I grew up rather poor as well, so “might need it some day” is my sub-conscious excuse for holding on to things that other people would be more apt to toss. OTOH, I live in a not-huge apartment, so there’s true limits as to how much I can keep on hand, which does stop me from acquiring new stuff without being intentional about it. I used to be way worse about not throwing things away. (And at one point, I wasn’t parting with college text books… less because “I might need it some day” and more about “I spent hundreds of dollars on these, and I’m not tossing them until they’re truly worthless. I can’t throw them away as long as I think I’m throwing $100 bills in the trash.”)

        As for the how home environment affects mental reassurance… you know, I didn’t think about this as much until I started my current job. At my office, we all have designated office spaces, no cubes. Some people keep a bare bones office, such that they could throw all their stuff in a box and be out in a moment’s notice. Other people’s offices feel *lived in*. (I don’t mean messy, just like some expects to be there for awhile.) FWIW, this is a company where people spend decades there, so it’s not like “temporary” is the expectation.

        Anyway, when I walk into a bare-bones office, I get a totally different feeling than I do when I walk into a “lived in” office. Bare bones feels to temporary, and it’s a tad bit unsettling to me. So I get how peoples’ home environments can reflect a similar sense.

    7. Yellow Warbler*

      I secretly throw things out constantly, my parents help me by taking bags of trash. I don’t subscribe to the whole “you can’t do that because it breaks trust” nonsense. I’m drowning in crap to the point that I’ve fallen and hurt myself. I’m not coddling his feelings at the expense of my own safety.

      It seems to work okay. He asks where certain (useless or broken) things are, I shrug and point out the mess, he lets it go. I think we have an unspoken agreement.

    8. Not A Manager*

      If living separately isn’t an option, and if your spouse isn’t willing or able to make any changes, then can you literally divide up the house? Negotiate with your spouse some spaces that they can fill up/use however they want, and negotiate some spaces where you get to remove any unauthorized items. Easier said than done, I know.

      Hoarding is a terrible compulsion and can be so hard on everyone. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and that you feel that your options are so limited.

      1. WS*

        Yes, this was the case for a couple I knew. They literally divided the house so that the kitchen (apart from one shelf), one bathroom, and one bedroom belonged to one of them and the hoarder had their own bathroom, bedroom and a small study. The line was drawn at anything that would rot or cause disease, but in this case the hoarding was mostly clothes and paper.

    9. RC Rascal*

      My mother was a hoarder. After my dad died she wouldn’t let me in the house. I found out several months before she died. It took 4 dumpsters & 6 months to clean out a not very large house. At a certain point the stuff will get to be so much you can’t clean. Also , vermin will move in. My moms house became infested with snakes living in her clutter.

      Get therapy for yourself. It will not get better. Hoarding is poorly understood and it leads to a very dark place.

      1. RC Rascal*

        Also— the clean out in this is expensive even if you do it yourself. I just finished doing my taxes & here is the breakdown:

        $4k on dumpsters, junk hauling & trash bags.
        2,500$ for removal of invasive landscaping. She had let ornamental Ivy grow over the house. It was growing in through the windows.
        $1000 for snake abatement.

        Total of $7500 on hoarding related costs. Then I took a $70k loss in the sale of the house due to the condition.

      2. Eff Walsingham*

        Hoarding also sometimes comes from very dark places. Due to family connections, I have experience with “the war against possessions,” and I’ve received helpful guidance from many sources over the years. Here is some of it:

        When childhood issues such as emotional abuse or abandonment lead to a feeling that the world is a hostile place, some people barter their way to being able to work, have friends, or otherwise function in it by surrounding themselves with walls of useless stuff. In the case of my own family, alcohol abuse by one member was the cause of some of our ongoing issues. It may always be hard for some individuals to feel safe when their parent was out of control. One simple sentence I read on a message board once — maybe this one? — “How could it be otherwise?” gave me chills, because it’s true. If you have ever seen an otherwise rational and functional person driven to hysteria by someone else cleaning out the fridge, you may know what I’m talking about. This is not a happy place for a person to be in, and they are generally not acting this way to cause hardship to their loved ones, even when that is the outcome.

        Now, I don’t want to suggest that the OP should just be content to live in a chaotic mess! But in my experience the most constructive long-term approach is the following. (1) Do not broach the subject when the hoarder just got home from work or is otherwise stressed or tired. Try to find a calm and unhurried time to talk. (2) Focus on specific effects of the behaviour, such as “the mess depresses me” “we can’t have people over” or “I’m afraid it’s a safety hazard.” Avoid hyperbole, and don’t make threats. (3) Ask the other person about their feelings, and listen. What are they afraid of? Maybe they actually hate the thought of having people come over? Be a safe person to confide in. (4) Be honest about your own feelings. How close to the end of your rope are you? And what does that look and feel like? Don’t baby the hoarder, or downplay the effect it’s having on you. Just don’t rant or exaggerate. That’s why it’s best not to leave these conversations until things get so bad that you snap.

        In order to have an ongoing, productive relationship, you need to be a collaborator and not a combatant. “It’s you and me against something that’s bigger than both of us.” Because it is. The stuff is, in most cases, the tip of the iceberg. That’s why, if it’s purged, more stuff is usually acquired to fill what the hoarder perceives as a void.

        I do strongly recommend therapy for this because it’s incredibly hard to deal with even with expert help. But I also know that some people categorically refuse it due to cost / there’s no one available nearby / had a bad experience in the past / just don’t believe in it.

        YMMV, of course. But my personal advice is that, if you still love a hoarder, try as hard as you can to communicate your love and support, without enabling them. Easier said than done, I know! (But seriously, *don’t* give them tangible objects as gifts! Take them out for dinner, or bring them food if they don’t go out. In my family, there is a real problem with mixed messages: “You should downsize! Now here is a set of adorable figurines!” Argh.)

    11. Turtlewings*

      This is secondhand advice, but I read some kind of article once wherein a woman let her hoarder brother move in with her (his own home, unsurprisingly, had been condemned) on the strict understanding that his stuff stayed in HIS room, and anything left outside his room for more than a couple hours, she would throw away. No mercy, no exceptions. And she had to follow through on that more than once. But it was working for them. So maybe you could both agree that he has to confine his stuff to a particular part of the house, and any overflow gets ruthlessly tossed?

    12. Anonymous today*

      Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. Our house is actually at the beginning stages of disrepair because there are things that need fixing which are blocked by piles. No vermin that I am aware of, and most of the hoard is “clean” in that it’s mostly paper, clothing, electronics, toys, and “collectibles”. My therapist and I agree that it’s just reaching the tipping point. My fear is that I will be old and trapped in an emergency. Part of the problem is that I own the house (it’s been in my family for generations) and I pay all the bills. Spouse isn’t able to work anymore due to poor health. Financially and physically they can’t live separately, and the house cannot be sold in its current condition. (At different times during our marriage, we’ve taken turns at being the breadwinner, so it’s probably evened out over the years.) I’m going to try some of the suggestions, and in some cases re-try, and will keep chipping away at Spouse about therapy.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Please be extremely careful/vigilant about clothes and paper. Rodents & cockroaches are attracted to both. They can also harbor mold/mildew, and you don’t always smell it before it starts affecting your health.

        Pretty much any substance, including leather, wood, and metal can get mold growing on it, and pretty much any items that don’t get moved or dusted under regularly can become a shelter for spiders and other insects.

      2. RC Rascal*

        Look into the mental health condition called Self Neglect. Hoarding is a symptom. While not all hoarders are self neglectors, all self neglectors are hoarders.

        Self Neglect was my mothers issue. The hoarding was only a symptom. My mom actually died from medical neglect. She refused to go to the doctor for 45 years and it finally killed her.

    13. Juneybug*

      I am sorry you are dealing with this. I left a good friend over this situation to protect my physical health. I am sharing my story because I want you to know hoarding could destroy a relationship.
      My friend Holly was a hoarder but I tried to look past that. She was funny, smart, and interesting to talk to on our walks. As we got to know each better, she asked if I could watch her school age kids while she took late afternoon college classes, which I was happy to do. Her hubby was in the military so his hours were crazy long. I knew her rental house had mold, water damage, trash everywhere, mice problem, etc., but I thought I could be a good influence and help change things. We talked about her house, it’s horrible condition, what she wanted out of life, and so on. But she was fine with her life and didn’t want to change (I was still hoping I could provide some positive influence).
      While her kids would play video games after school, I would wash dishes, clean out the kids’ lunch boxes, dust and vacuum, take out the trash, mow the yard, do laundry, etc. My hubby wasn’t thrilled with the situation. Not because I wasn’t getting paid (we are both retired military so this is one of our ways to give back to the military community) but because I started getting sick quite frequently (headaches, sinus problems, etc.).
      Over time, her hoarding and messy house was getting to me. I hated the fact I had to take a shower immediately after being at her house cause of the smell. I hated cleaning her house when the place got worst over time instead of better (it seem to be a passive-aggressive move on her part or her husband – vacuum the house on Tuesday and on Thursday, someone had spilled a plant on the floor without picking it up. Do laundry and put it away to come back few days later and see the clothes on the floor with the pets laying on them). Holly stop hanging out with me on walks and only seem to need me for babysitting.
      Two things that broke the camel’s back. Holly subscribed to a daily newspaper delivery (she said it was cheaper to get the daily rate than only Sundays for the coupons). I started taking the newspapers to the recycle bin after two months of them being on every surface in the house (I was the only person who used that bin!). Holly called me at home to chew me out for throwing away her reading material. I pointed out that she reads the news on the internet, the info would be outdated by the time she got to reading, and she never wanted the daily papers, only the Sunday edition, but she was still quite upset and I was told to never get rid of her newspapers. She actually took the old newspapers I had already recycled out of the bin and brought them back into the house.
      Because I was not getting any appreciation for my efforts and rather not get yelled at for a doing a good deed, I stop doing chores. I still watched the kids but now I brought a book to read until she got home. She never said anything about me no longer cleaning her house or mowing the yard. Since we were no longer walking so there was no chance to discuss this tension. I was so ready for her college class to be over!
      With the two weeks remaining for her semester, Holly decided to get two cats, one hamster, and a dog because “the kids wanted them”. I begged her to wait until summer when her classes would be over so she could give the pets attention, training, and make sure the place was ready for them but she choose to get them anyway.
      Because she and hubby were gone all day, there is no one to let the dog out so of course he had accidents. So now there is poop and urine all over the house with a lovely hamster odor. When I arrive to babysit the boys, the very high strung dog needs to be walked on a leash because Holly and hubby had not fixed the fence. So now I am a dog walker and babysitter. I am coming home sicker and sicker, even with me sitting by an open window while I am at her house. I can’t seem to get the smell out of my hair or clothes.
      When her classes were done, I too was done with the relationship. I had tried to talk to her about her house. At first, I gently suggested counseling and later on, point blank told her she needed to go. But Holly didn’t see the damage she was doing to her marriage, kids, pets, or house. Few months later, Holly moved to a different city so I was happy to let the friendship go. I hope your spouse works on this problem before you get to the point you are done.
      I wish you all the best!

      1. willow for now*

        Ugh, the newspapers! My ex acted as though he was going to find the meaning of life in the local newpaper, he just had not yet gotten around to reading it. So there they sat.

      2. RC Rascal*

        The smell ! When I first started cleaning out on my mothers house, I had just adopted a cat from the pound. Kitty is high strung.

        I would come home from cleaning out the house ( at that point it was so gross I couldn’t stand to be there for more than a few hours). Kitty would get a terrified look and run and hide from me because I was so gross and smelly.

      3. allathian*

        This is awful, especially for the kids. As many horror stories as I suppose all of us have read about children who’ve been taken into care with unhappy results, I would have called CPS. At least in my area, you can do it anonymously. Granted, sometimes people do it out of pure malice and because they want to get someone else into trouble with the authorities, but in the vast majority of cases, the kids really do need help.

    14. Girasol*

      I recently read some really clever advice for hoarders: when gifts and memorabilia are burying an older person in stuff, but they can’t bear to part with such treasures, elder movers recommend taking photographs of those things. Then the things themselves, if still of value, can be passed on to others, if not by giving then by donation, and the original owner can treasure the photos. Seems like good advice for anyone.

    15. Batgirl*

      I wouldn’t get into it over individual items, I would set broader guidelines which will be easier for you to enforce and give them some control over their possessions (and hopefully less anxiety and powerlessness). You have as much right to the space as his stuff does. The guidelines you choose will be up to you but some examples could be he can keep whatever can fit into proper storage spaces, (even if you buy some extra trunks or caddies) or he has to throw out anything that piles unsafely (he still has control over what is properly put away), or that you can relax a certain guideline or table an argument while therapy is happening. I appreciate that you don’t want a divorce and that it really isn’t worth it as things stand; but as a divorced person I would say: you always need to be thinking about what line would need to be breached before that changes and how slowly or quickly you are approaching that line. I only say that because no one saves up for a divorce, and it sounds like the hoarding will have its own costs on top of that. The other thing that people don’t do when behaviour “isn’t bad enough…yet” is clearly spell out that any worsening of the behaviour will have consequences on your feelings that you probably won’t be able to prevent. In other words, spelling out consequences (honestly, not as an idle threat) can at least forewarn, and at best nip behaviours in the bud.

    16. Anonymous packrat*

      Coming in late, but here’s my perspective. I’m not a hoarder directly (or maybe I’m in denial), but am definitely a pack rat and have a really hard time letting go of things. This causes a lot of tension in my relationship and is the main thing we quarrel about. In my case it’s mostly text based materials, but other stuff too. We have had many, many discussions and tried many systems, and the ones that work somewhat put a lot of work, both practical and emotional, on my partner, I’m sorry to say. And it requires the hoarder to be aware that it is a problem and be willing to work on it. It’s hard, and definitely coupled with anxiety. But this is a deal breaker and I do try.

      Things that tend to work are
      – The deal that my partner gets to throw away newspaper and journals of a certain age, even if I haven’t read them, because if I try, I’ll always end up reading an interesting article. W only have weekend paper, a compromise between my wanting a daily paper and my partner preferring online only. I’m not allowed to pick up brochures, or if I do they go to recycling. Random notes go either directly to trash or maybe on my keyboard, if they look important. I try to keep notes in a mini moleskin instead of on paper. (I need the tactile stimulus, so just electronically isn’t good enough.)
      – My books need to be on the shelves, if not actively read. The shelves need to be straightened regularly. We have a lot of shelves, and they are bulging. I try to keep to what A slob comes clean said about containment. If it doesn’t fit, I need to do something.
      – The house is divided into small areas. Each week we have one focus area, where we do a little extra, go through some of the piles or boxes and throw stuff away. The idea is that keeping it small keeps it from being overwhelming, and the rota means that we’ll return some time later, it hasn’t all got to be done now. We work on this area together. This includes lots and lots of pushing, cajoling and reassurance from my partner. And hugs, many many hugs, as I tend to cry from stress. I threw away old tapes. I haven’t listened to them in ages, but they represent a piece of me. It feels as if I throw away a piece of my identity. And dear me, remember mixed tapes? You did them yourself, or maybe a friend did them for you? If I throw them away, I throw my friend away! As I said, anxiety, not logic. Keep discussing: what is really important? What would I save in a fire? Not those, right?
      – Taking photos of the mementos help! I have a lot of pictures as well, but the hard drive take up less space.
      – Some kind of reward is good, because I easily get caught in a feeling that if I try do clean or de-clutter it takes up all my time and I never get to do anything nice. You can discuss if reward is time together or alone time, but it needs to be there.
      – One space where my stuff gets unceremoniously thrown in when my partner is fed up. It’s also one of the areas mentioned above, so it gets checked on regularly.
      – Related to this: some specific areas are to be kept de-cluttered, or at least easy to de-clutter. These get extra focus. Not to big or too many, but for example the kitchen worktops must be accessible.
      -Personally I have found Dana White’s blog A Slob Comes Clean and her book How to Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind a big help, because it makes me feel less alone. I do admit I’m better at reading about cleaning than too do it, but the “do the dishes” and the five minute pick up are easy enough, and they do make a difference. (The container thought is harder, working on that.) Thank you AAM for that tip.
      – Not as constructive, but huge rows about the mess and how I just don’t want them as much as my worthless stuff. I do tend to step up a bit more after a quarrel. I’m not proud of it, but it’s true. I’m an avoiding nature and if it’s uncomfortable enough, I do things to reduce it. If the quarrels are worse than the anxiety of throwing things away, I will clean.

      Good luck. I’m sorry, I would like to be a better partner about this, but it’s hard. I hope your partner gives you joy in other ways. Personally I’m in therapy for other reasons, but we touch on this sometimes. I know where it’s coming from, it helps a little.

  26. Pregnant during COVID*

    Thanks for everyone’s kind words and advice a couple of weeks ago when I was feeling down about not seeing or hearing much from my family. Taking your advice, I asked one of my sisters if we could do a happy hour zoom call together. That Friday, my sisters dropped off snacks and presents for me and that evening we had a virtual baby shower. It was so nice catching up and sharing stories. It was exactly the boost I need to get through the next few weeks until I give birth. Thank you again for the push to get out of my head and ask for what I needed vs expecting people to just know.

    1. mreasy*

      This is so great to hear. I’m glad your support system engaged when you reached out! It may seem like a small win to you but it sounds like a big one to me.

    2. Sleepy*

      Good for you! It sounds like you took control of the situation and I’m so happy you got what you needed.

    3. Fellow Traveller*

      This is so lovely. I feel like it’s especially important to celebrate pandemic babies because new motherhood is already so isolating but throw in having to social distance and it’s all the more so. I have a friend who had a baby in October and she says sometimes she feels as if the world doesn’t know that her baby exists.
      May you have a very routine and boring next few weeks!

    4. allathian*

      Thanks for the update, sounds like you had a lovely time!

      Congrats again on your pregnancy.

  27. Kensington*

    I’m in a crappy situation with a friend and am paralyzed by indecision. I’m making up the situational details to try to stay anonymous, so sorry if this isn’t totally accurate.

    My friend writes articles for magazines professionally. I’ve been involved in writing my whole life, and dreamed of writing for magazines too, so I spent a ton of time researching the profession and slaved over an article I planned to try to get published. I asked my friend to read it over before I started sending it around. She said she’d be happy to. After a few months of repeatedly promising to read it and then coming up with excuses for why she hadn’t, I finally just told her I was going to submit it without her feedback. I know she didn’t owe me the feedback, I wasn’t entitled to it, etc. but being “strung along” for a few months was frustrating.

    Discouraged, I abandoned the article for a few months, then recently edited it and started submitting it to magazines. My friend reached out wanting to know if my article got published and offering to read over it for me if I was still working on it. So I sent her my edited draft, followed up after a week of radio silence, got a promise she’d read over it by Wednesday at the latest, and now it’s Saturday. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to put my article on hold indefinitely for feedback I’ll probably never get, but I’d feel soooo stupid if I sent the article to all the potential magazines and then she e-mailed me the next day with game-changing feedback.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Honestly, I’d move forward without your friend. If there’s any feedback then whoever you submit it to can give it to you if they’re interested in publishing it. If you’re comfortable with what you’ve written so far and you think it’s promising, just send it out and don’t mind your friend.

    2. WellRed*

      You’re friend us being weird but if you are happy with the article and have started submitting it, I’d stop getting hung up on having friend read it. Own your work.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Move on without your friend’s approval/critique/whatever.
      Vow never to ask her to review anything again. It’s way too much drama and upset. It prevents you from moving forward with your own activities. There are other sources for learning and for help, your friend is not the only source.

    4. twocents*

      I don’t know what her motives are and if this is a “can’t” vs “won’t” but for whatever reason, it’s not happening. Don’t send her more articles, don’t follow-up with her on the ones you have sent her. Just assume she will never be able to provide this support because that’s what she’s shown you.

    5. fposte*

      Go ahead without her. There are lots of people,who might give game changing feedback that you won’t be hearing from. I can understand why you’d felt it reasonable to wait to hear from somebody in the know, but it sounds like you got into a sunk costs fallacy on the wait.

      What would you have done if she said, “Oh, I’d really like to get to this and I’ll try, but work may be too much for me. If I don’t give you feedback in a month, you should go ahead without me”? Because that’s what you should do now.

    6. GoryDetails*

      First, congrats on submitting your article – whether you hear back soon or not, it’s a big step!

      As for the reviewing… yeah, your friend may have meant to help but hasn’t prioritized it, and it might be best to just move on. If you ever do get comments you can see whether it’s something helpful or not, but don’t wait on it.

      Side note: there’s a marvelous Captain Awkward post on “friends promised to review my novel” – not quite the same scenario as yours, as your friend has specific experience in the article-publishing area, but it might be of interest to you anyway:

      https://captainawkward.com/2015/05/20/708-my-friends-promised-me-feedback-on-my-novel-but-then-never-came-through-what-now/

    7. Yellow Warbler*

      Maybe I’m just naturally suspicious, but my first impression is that she’s shopping it around herself. Why else would she ask for the rewrite when she refused to give feedback the first time?

      You should submit immediately, in case she beats you to it.

      1. Anon for this*

        My first suspicion is that the article is no good and Friend doesn’t want to be the bad guy.

        2. Olive Hornby*

          As an editor, this would also be my suspicion (and I think it’s tremendously more possibility than the idea that your friend is going to steal your work—generally speaking, people with lots of freelance credits to their name already don’t need to submit finished articles, only pitches.)

  28. Foreign Octopus*

    Has anyone had their wisdom teeth removed?

    I’m off to the dentist on Wednesday to see about a cavity in one of my wisdom teeth and the location of it is difficult as it erupted oddly, so I believe they may suggest a removal. I’m not particularly bothered about that but I am concerned about potential pain and recovery time as I work as a teacher and need to be able to speak clearly. If anyone could tell me their experience, I’d be grateful.

    1. Oxford Comma*

      It’s been a while but I had four out at once which required general anesthesia. I was around 30 at the time. I needed the day off after the procedure (if you’re younger or fitter and/or they aren’t putting you under, you might not). Speaking was fine. Eating was limited for about a week to soft foods give or take a few days. Other than being wiped out the day after the procedure, I was okay.

    2. CTT*

      I had mine out almost 10 years ago/when I was 22. Like Oxford Comma, I also was put under, so I was really loopy afterwards. I didn’t have any issues with talking, but I was on the longer side of the recovery curve and it took me about 2 weeks to be able to eat normally again.

    3. Aurora Leigh*

      I had mine out when I was in high school (it’s common in the US for health insurance to only cover wisdom tooth removal for minors, and dental insurance not to cover it at all).

      I was put under general anesthesia, and I was still kind of loopy the next day. I had a lot of swelling in my tongue and cheeks post surgery that lasted several days, but no pain (I did take the prescription painkillers). Most people don’t swell like I did though!

    4. Kensington*

      I got all 4 out in my early 20’s. My appointment was in the morning. Felt groggy from the anesthesia for the rest of the day, and just took Tylenol once or twice for the soreness. I don’t remember having any problems speaking. It wasn’t at all as bad as I thought it’d be, and I think I was fine the next day (aside from soreness when eating). I didn’t have a job where I had to speak a lot though.

    5. Dwight Schrute*

      I had mine removed about 3 years ago. Super quick procedure, I went under for it because I hate dental work. Recovery was pretty fast and easy. I had them removed on Friday and went to work on Tuesday. Stayed home Monday because of swelling and some pain but by Tuesday I felt pretty much normal. I suggest moving your jaw regularly after removal so it doesn’t get stiff. Good luck! It wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected it to be

    6. Max Kitty*

      My DH recently had one out because it cracked. His mouth was swollen the day of, but he seemed back to normal the next day. No trouble understanding him. He said he didn’t feel as much pain as he thought it would. He definitely had pain, but it wasn’t huge and prolonged. He did not have any general anesthesia (took himself to the dentist and took himself home).

    7. Dumpster Fire*

      I think it really depends on whether the teeth are straight and accessible, or impacted. I had three of them pulled in one day because they had come in straight and unobstructed, and I actually played softball that night! The fourth was impacted so it involved an oral surgeon – I didn’t need general anesthesia but it was definitely more than the local I had for the first three! So the pain and recovery time will completely depend on what procedure needs to be done: if they can be pulled, it’s relatively minimal; but actual surgery has much more potential for a longer recovery.

    8. Colette*

      I had all 4 of mine out when I was 19. It wasn’t a big deal in any way- I had bowed out of an activity that night, but ended up going because I was fine.

    9. Lcsa99*

      I had the two uppers removed together and one lower one removed later when it had a cavity. From my experience, the uppers were much easier in terms of recovery. I only used painkillers once after whatever the doctor gave me wore off, and it was fine. Had to be careful with eating in both cases but that was fine. I don’t think in either case I spoke funny once I could stop packing it with gauze, but I also did it on a Friday in both instances, so I had the whole weekend to recover.

      There was a lot more pain with the lower one. I didn’t have to use more than otc pain killers after the first day, but it was really tender and getting the stitches out REALLY hurt. Enough so, that I was worried it was infected but I think it’s just because the lower jaw moves while the upper is stationary. Hope that helps

    10. Nicki Name*

      I had the same situation as you– tooth came in at a weird angle and needed to be pulled. There was no general anesthesia, just a whole lot of novocaine. General anesthesia is only used when they have to go digging for the tooth.

      Recovery instructions were to take an ibuprofen when I got home and not drink through a straw for the next 24 hours. I don’t recall any pain after the novocaine and then the ibuprofen wore off.

      –CW: Squeamish people, skip the rest of this post–

      If you’re wondering how the extraction actually works: Once the area is fully numbed, they do it the old-fashioned way. The tooth is just grabbed with a tool and twisted back and forth until it’s ready to come out.

    11. pancakes*

      I had all four removed in my late teens and was blissfully, painlessly zonked on Percocet for a couple days afterward.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      I have had all four removed. I think I did them one at a time. I took lots of vitamin D and K that really knocked back the pain. I think I ended up taking like 2 ibuprofen after each removal. I did ice pack it and I did nap after I got home from each appointment. My preference was to have someone drive me, that was supportive for me.
      You have to be careful to keep the “holes” clean and free of food particles. And everything goes through a straw for a short bit after the surgery.
      For me the critical part was the doc had to make sure the novicane took hold before he started working. And he was very aware about that.
      I did go on antibiotic while I was having teeth pulled (seven total). Then I ate yogurt after the antibiotic ran out. It felt like there were a few steps to the process.

    13. fposte*

      My removal was NBD. If yours are exposed enough to get a cavity that may be a good sign for ease. Tenderness to foreign particles is a much longer issue than speaking, by which I mean any speaking impairment was mild and gone after the first day but it would hurt to get solid food back there for a few more days.

    14. Myrin*

      Oooooh, I had a horrible time with my wisdom teeth – please don’t read this if you (general you) feel like a negative story might actually be bad for you mentally! Also, even though I will tell this story whenever I get a chance to, it’s actually pretty graphic and gross, so please don’t read if you’re sensitive to that kind of thing!

      I had all four removed at once during the summer of 2011 (this is important. Remember it!). I do well with surgeries in general and with mouth stuff in particular because I’ve been dealing with teeth things ever since my first adult tooth came in, so I was just under local anaesthesia. The doctor was a bit of an arse but the surgey itself went completely fine BUT he did very poorly with the aftercare which I didn’t fully realise at the time but which came back to bite me later. Sit tight!

      I had horrible pain for about a day but then it subsided pretty quickly. However, a week later while opening my mouth wide to eat a bun, a felt I weird… crack-y sensation in my jaw. It was kinda uncomfortable for two days but I didn’t really think anything too bad of it, until I forcefully pulled my cheek aside on a Friday evening and saw a small river of pus flow out from behind my teeth and slowly fill my mouth. I was rushed to an emergency clinic more than an hour away because our local hospital doesn’t have a dentistry ward (go figure!). They jammed a huge tube into my cheek and sucked all the pus out and there was a lot of blood and discomfort – surprisingly little pain, though!

      And then the same thing happened a week later on the other side only that it was a Saturday morning and I could go to what would eventually become my current dentist because he was tasked with emergency services for our county that day. Same procedure – only much more sensibly – and I had to go to my dentist every other day for like three weeks afterwards so that he could disinfect and clean and care for my mouth.

      I thought that was finally the end of it but I keep feeling kinda strange on one side of my cheek regardless. It felt a little heavy and when I’d put my tongue on the (former) wound the… gums? I guess? above it always felt weirdly squishy and squiggly and just not normal.

      On Christmas Eve I shone a light inside my mouth and saw that the place in question look strangely veiny and like it was wobbling around.

      In the first week of February 2012 (!), I went again to the dentist who had helped me out with the second infection and they basically had to perform the same surgery as the extraction surgery again (only without an actual tooth in the mix) and found that my until-then regular dentist had, during one of my many, many visits, overlooked that there was still one of these absorbent little strips in the wound and it had with time grown into my gum and made a little capsule around itself and they had to cut a 5 cm long cut into the back of my cheek to get all the dirt and pus and blood that accumulated there out.

      I had the same bruised hamster cheek you get immediately after wisdom tooth surgery and when I had a final oral exam a week later I was glad that it was immensely cold and I could wear a thick scarf all through it with my professor none the wiser. Never heard anything of it again afterwards.

      So, yeah. That’s a thing that can happen.

      (My sister, on the other hand, had all four of hers out last year and although she was in pain for about two weeks and had some strangely flappy gum parts which then kinda miraculously re-attached themselves after some time (which is apparently normal), she hasn’t had any further complications whatsoever, so there’s that.)

    15. Foreign Octopus*

      Wow! I did not expect such a response to my question and I’m so grateful to each of you that have taken the time to respond. Hearing that it was a NBD for most of you (looking at you, Myrin, you poor sod) is pretty comforting and puts me more at ease for the appointment on Wednesday. If it needs to be done, I’ll see if I can schedule the removal for a Friday so that I’ve got the weekend to recover before work, just in case.

    16. Ellen Ripley*

      I had my top two taken out first and they were already through the gum and not at a severe angle, so it wasn’t a huge deal. I was woozy for the rest of the day and had stitches so had to be careful of those for a few days and eat only liquid for a day or two.

      When I had the bottom two out it hurt a lot more. One wasn’t out yet so there was more of an incision and of course the bottom two don’t ‘drain’ automatically so you have to constantly be cleaning out the sockets. Still it was a couple days of discomfort and a few more days of fiddling with keeping everything clean and limiting my food choices.

      As far as speaking goes, if yours are fairly simple you might be able to take off Friday for the procedure and be OK if a little sore by Monday morning. But that’s pretty aggressive and if you have to talk/move your jaw all day for work, you might plan to be able to take a few days off.

    17. HannahS*

      I had my all four wisdom teeth removed when I was about 21. I went with the highest level of sedation offered (not a full-blown general anesthetic like they’d use for abdominal surgery, but I opted to be “asleep”) because I knew I’d panic if awake. All four of mine were below the gums, but none were impacted. I had some bleeding for a few hours after (as expected), had some aching for a day or two, then the sites themselves were tender for a while. I was barely swollen, diligently kept the sites clean, and I healed quickly. It was very much not a big deal.

    18. Yellow Warbler*

      I heard “Oh shit, she’s awake!” in the middle of having a tooth broken for removal, so a big thumbs down to my anaesthesiologist. The recovery was much less difficult than when I got an implant, though.

    19. Vega*

      I got all 4 out under general anesthesia in my 20s… and despite following all the directions about what not to eat/no straws, I got dry sockets on both sides of my bottom jaw. My advice is that if the pain suddenly gets WORSE after a few days or strong pain meds aren’t being effective, go back to the dentist/oral surgeon because they can stuff the sockets with dressing soaked in clove oil. Clove oil worked like a miracle for me. I did have to get the dressing changed out a couple of times, and could not stand the taste of cloves for years, but I was completely functional after that.

      1. Catherine*

        I remember I had this weird taste in my mouth in the week following the surgery and I started getting paranoid there was an infection or something wrong – when I mentioned it at my check up the dentist was like, “oh that’s just the cloves in the dressing” – I would have appreciated a warning!
        Although, I do find it kinda cool that something so old fashioned is still used these days.

    20. RC Rascal*

      2 impacted lowers when I was 40. While I had an excellent surgeon it was difficult & I had pretty much all the complications possible except dying. Double dry socket , cellulitis, & nerve damage. I also developed TMJ afterwards. I was extremely sick for 3 months after the procedure & missed a ton of work.

      1. Voluptuousfire*

        Did they remove them completely? I have an impacted wisdom tooth that has a little cap of gum that occasionally bothers me. Nothing major, just annoying. I visited an oral surgeon a few years ago and they told me it could only be removed if it was infected since I’d have a lot more complications due to age. I had another consult with another oral surgeon and she said they could just cut the top off the exposed tooth and sew the gun cap over it and remove the top wisdom tooth to make sure the bite is not off.

        1. RC Rascal*

          Yes they removed them completely. My roots were wrapped around the nerve in the jaw. It was a difficult procedure.

    21. PollyQ*

      I had all 4 removed at once, and it was very simple & straightforward. I barely had any pain or swelling, and no other side effects. I took the prescription med for maybe one day? (it was a long time ago), and was 100% fine a day or two later.

    22. Clisby*

      I had all 4 out when I was 18 or 19. The only painkiller was about a zillion shots of novocaine, but the procedure itself wasn’t bad. The aftermath is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced (and I’ve had 2 children – childbirth didn’t compare, and I was high on Percodan for about a week.)

      However, it sounds like this tooth has already come through the gum? (Mine were all growing sideways into the gum). Last summer my son had 3 wisdom teeth taken out (1 of the 4 just never developed), and had a pretty easy time. Two of his teeth had come through the gum, and those seemed more like regular tooth extractions; only one required minor surgery. He was eating a Big Mac the next day. He took a few of the prescribed Vicodin to help him get a good sleep at night, but other than that did fine with ibuprofen.

      Adding – he had IV anesthetic, which I have to think is a big advance from when I had mine out. The novocaine meant I didn’t feel any pain during the procedure, but I’m sure it added to the pain afterward. Even now, just having novocaine to fill a cavity will leave me with jaw pain for 2-3 days.

    23. Eff Walsingham*

      I had the upper and lower on the same side out when I was around 40. The lower one was sideways and impacted, so I was with the oral surgeon rather than my regular dentist. A general anesthetic is usual where I live but I get the equivalent of a terrible hangover from it, so I opted for local. My surgeon was amazing! She warned me (accurately) that the worst I’d feel during the procedure was when the third and final needle went in; and that the sound – like someone emptying a gravel truck next to your ear! – is awful, and there’s nothing they can do about it.

      Anyway, it went swimmingly. I had to travel 5 hours away the next day, so I was given a prescription for antibiotics, a prescription for acetaminophen with codeine, and a third prescription for some big scary pain pill which I was to fill if necessary and then report back immediately after my trip if it was that bad. I took the aceto-codeine pills (one at bedtime) for a couple of days, and the antibiotics of course; but otherwise it was fine with regular Tylenol, no side effects whatever. Never did fill the in-case-of-emergency prescription. Unfortunately I can’t say if talking would’ve been an issue because I was working mostly alone on that trip. I was pretty paranoid about the aftercare because several of my old friends had scary stories of things going poorly, but the weirdest thing for me was getting used to the Big Empty Space that felt like you could park an SUV in it! And the gum comes up to a kind of point, which took some getting used to when brushing.

      So, basically no fuss, no muss. I don’t know why I put it off for so long? But then I think, maybe those ‘old’ roots were weak, and it would have been worse when I was younger? ;)

    24. allathian*

      I only had wisdom teeth in my upper jaw, no buds in the lower. They were fully extruded and in fairly good condition, so much so that when I got a cavity in one of them, they fixed it once. That said, I had them out when I was about 35. I had local anesthetic and a simple extraction on both sides, it was all over in less than 20 minutes, most of the time was spent waiting for the local to take effect. I had the swabs in for a few hours and had to wash out my mouth with disinfecting mouthwash for a few days, because I wasn’t allowed to brush my molars until my gums healed. When the local wore off, took one pill of something stronger than the usual paracetamol or ibuprofen, probably codeine, and for a few days, I took the maximum OTC dose of ibuprofen, and that was it. After the wisdom tooth extraction, I had the procedure in the morning and had the rest of the day off, but I went to work the following day. I admit that I ate mainly lukewarm soup for a few days. For lunch, I took a thermos flask of creamy vegetable soup to work and it was just the right temperature when I ate it.

      A few years later, I had to have a molar extracted in the upper jaw. I’d had a root canal done in my early twenties, and the tooth just broke and was unfixable. I didn’t need a general anesthetic for that either, but I remember that it was a lot more painful for longer and I needed more codeine. At the time, my son was still eating baby food, and I just ate the same thing he did, although I admit I ate it at room temperature and put a bit of salt in mine…

    25. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      My dentist told me that unless they are impacted or infected, wisdom teeth are actually easier to remove than molars because the roots are shorter.

    26. RagingADHD*

      I had all 4 out at once when I was in my 20s, because they were never going to come in properly and my dentist recommended having them out before they grew closer to my facial nerves. It was a pretty significant surgery, I suppose, since they had not erupted at all—one was growing down into my jaw, one up into my head, one forward toward my other teeth, and I don’t remember the other one. Maybe backward?

      I was semi-awake but doped up and didn’t feel anything. I don’t recall any significant pain afterward. I could not have done much speaking for a couple of days, because there was a good bit of bleeding and I had to keep the sites packed with cotton as much as possible.

      My issue was that it was the first time I’d had any anesthetic beyond Novocain, and discovered that I don’t react well to whatever they used. I was violently ill for the first 48 hours.

      As others said, it’s really going to depend on whether it’s more like an extraction or a surgery. If yours has erupted, you probably won’t need something as extensive as I did.

    27. School Psych*

      I had all 4 wisdom teeth out this year because 2 of them were getting cavities and my dentist thought it was best just to take them all out(I’m in my 30’s, so I was having this done much later than most people). I booked my procedure on a Friday and was fine to go back to work on Monday. I was sore the day of the surgery and day after, but mostly fine by the 3rd day. I only had to take the stronger pain killers they prescribed for one day. Make sure you ice during the days after the surgery and take Tylenol and whatever anti-inflammatories/anti-biotics they prescribe. If you’re able to book your surgery, so you have the weekend to recover, that was helpful for me. I’m an educator also and did not notice this surgery affecting my speech, although I was definitely groggy the day after.

    28. The Time Being*

      I had three of mine out just a couple years ago. For mine, there was no need to put me under; they came in straight, and the dentist just shot me up with novocaine and then pulled them out.

      Recovery was rough: for the one upper removal, which was quick and initially painless, I spent about a week eating soft foods before I was confident in trying to chew even just on the other side of my mouth. I didn’t realize how much I moved food back and forth while chewing! For the other, when both top and bottom had to come out, I was too tender for foods that needed much chewing for nearly two weeks, and brushing my teeth was an exercise in accidentally smacking the healing craters.

      I didn’t find any complication to my ability to speak, except for maybe the few hours immediately following removal. After that, I was fine in that regard.

    29. SarahKay*

      I had a bottom wisdom tooth removed after it developed a cavity. Dentist advised it’d need a filling, I asked about a white filling, dentist said “not on the NHS” (i.e. white fillings have to be done privately and are expensive), I looked disappointed, at which point he suggested an extraction. Great idea, I thought, solves the problem of cavities in it for good. I’d had a couple of baby molars extracted to make room when I was a child, so I thought it’d be fine.

      I had it done under local anasthetic and found it to be in the top three nastiest events of my life. It took about fifteen minutes, and while it was mostly pain-free (except where he was gripping my jaw to get leverage) I just became totally freaked out by the process; at one point my whole body was shaking.

      The next day I felt distinctly under the weather, but not really ill enough to justify phoning in sick (worked retail, so I cover is always an issue) so went into work. I met my manager on the way in and she asked how the dentist visit went, and told me later that I turned totally white and she thought I was going to faint. She sent me straight home; I did not argue and I very gratefully went home and climbed back into bed.

      Sleeping the day away definitely helped, but then despite following all the dentist’s advice unfortunately it became infected. Luckily one of my co-workers had previously been a dental practice receptionist and when I mentioned to her about five days in that I was counting the minutes before I could take more painkillers she told me to call the dentist back pronto. One cleaning of the socket and round of antibiotics later and the pain cleared up.

      If I ever have to get another wisdom tooth extracted ( in fact, probably any teeth at all) I’m going to want either a general anasthetic or some really good sedatives if they want to use a local.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Yeah, if I’d been more than half-conscious it would have really freaked me out because it’s quite physically aggressive. And I’m not generally very nervous about medical stuff.

  29. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

    Tapestry stitchers – I’ve got questions!

    Last week in a fit of boredom I ordered a tapestry kit (amongst a bunch of other craft stuff to try). I used to do cross-stitch and needlework in my teens, but have never worked in wool before. Its a fun pattern and I started it a bit this morning. I’m using tent stitching (as I want to make it into a cushion when I am done).

    Questions:

    1) When I reach the end of a row and need to stitch the next row down, do I then go left to right, or do I cross under the canvas and start again from the right side?

    2) This is an image on a white background. Is it best to do all the white at the end to keep it clean? I could see doing all the white at the end could be really dull, though.

    I have to get a frame today for tension and protection, but I can manage fora few more days without it.

    1. Jay*

      I’ve done needlepoint – not sure if that’s the same thing. With the stitches I do, I go left to right, right t0 left, left to right. I often do the white first at least around the edges of the colored design because if you’re using dark or saturated colors and do the white last, the color may rub off on the white wool as you pull it through next to the colored stitch. I often do them in sectors because it is deadly dull to do a background all at once, so I do a bit of the white around part of the design, then part of the design, then more white, then more color, etc etc etc. I finally stopped buying things with a lot of background because I had a tendency to get bored and never finish them :)

    2. Not So NewReader*

      1)I avoid knotting off as much as possible- so left to right, then right to left, then back to left to right. Knots can be lumpy and less knots is better.

      2) I do the backgrounds last. I get the detail part in first. The solid full colors can be dull, watch a video or call a friend while you do that boring part.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Yes, avoid knots. In a lot of needlework, you run the thread ends under a few stitches on the back side, avoiding knots altogether.
        Backgrounds are usually done last, especially with white or light colored threads. Wash your hands frequently to avoid stains.
        When stopping a session of tent stitch, always stop in the middle of a row. Otherwise, it’s very difficult to know where to start again. If you guess wrong, there’ll be a ridge in your work.
        Youtube can be very helpful.
        Happy Stitching!

    3. TX Lizard*

      I don’t have an advice for you, but you’ve led me down a google rabbit hole that might be my next craft to try!

    4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Yeah -I think ultimately its about just doing it! :) I did catch myself doing a bunch of half cross-stitch approach when Ive been trying to do continental, but whatever. When you impose too many rules it gets to be not fun. As my mother always says “Its not going to the State Fair!” I’d really like to finish this one, though, considering all the prior projects started and not completed :)

      Good points about the knotting though – I know how to tie off by running underneath prior stitches, but am still getting comfortable with the knot at the front and working backwards approach.

      Once I get the frame then I think I will do it in sections and just roll it under. I was watching some YouTubes and they noted oh always do light colored first etc but all the examples had very dark backgrounds.

      I was planning to keep this to hand for deathly dull work meetings where I don’t have to be on camera and mostly just need to listen :)

      TXLizard – its a lot of fun, but I would recommend starting with something small (and hip – sometimes tapestry work can look a bit old ladyish, but there are a lot of fun designs on the market today) – maybe your initial in a block letter or something – to get the hang of it.

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Tent stitch is a family of stiches, so I’m not clear which one you’re using. Google “basketweave” and “continental”, those are the stitches you should be using. My guess is you’re using either continental, or more likely the half cross stitch (as you used to do cross stitch). Half cross isn’t as good for coverage, and that will be a problem with white (due to dying/bleaching, different colors tend to be thicker or thinner. White is thin.) You can basically flip the canvas and do the next row, though make sure you keep your stitches oriented the same way. Not the ideal way to work obviously, but you’re new and thus are forgiven for stuff like that.

      You can do the background all at once, or you can do it in phases as you’re working the design. The white wool will get dirty, but the whole piece will need to be cleaned and blocked when you’re done so it’s not as critical. Basketweave will distort the canvas less than either other stitch.

      Enjoy!

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I hope no one minds if I add on another stitchery-related question here. Is there any sort of NON-MAGNETIC needle-minder other than a pincushion? Strong magnets and electronics don’t mix, and we have a lot of electronics.

      1. Squidhead*

        I store sewing needles poked through a piece of fabric (like the paper cards they come on, but it’s a scrap of fabric…the eye and the point are on the same side of the fabric). Cross-stitch needles I poke through a corner of the aida cloth outside the image, or keep several of them tucked into a scrap of cloth. Not sure if this is the type of idea you’re looking for but it’s basically free!

      2. Dancing Otter*

        It’s an old-fashioned idea, but have you ever heard of needle books? Commonly made of felt, in pages like a little booklet sewn at the fold, sometimes decorated with embroidery on the front cover, they allow you to stick multiple needles through the felt pages, even with bits of thread still in them, but the needles can’t catch on things because they’re inside the covers. Felt is pretty self-healing for all but the biggest needle holes, which is a big advantage over paper.
        Another approach, if your store stocks it, is when needles come in a plastic case, and can be replaced in the case between uses. I’ve only seen this for sharps, though, not embroidery or tapestry needles.

  30. Laura H.*

    Little Joys Thread

    What brought you joy this week?

    I went to the store to grab a few things and pull all the cash that I need to pay my brother for the semester worth of rides home he gives me from a volunteer gig I do. (It’s late and optional for him but as it guarantees I’m not waiting after dark by myself and I’d pay as much for an Uber, it’s a convenience I’m happy to buy.) I don’t have routine access to an ATM so it was a nice outing, coupled with the fact that I don’t need to go to an ATM for that purpose again, as I got the rest of the funds for the remaining trips too.

    This is last week but I’m still excited that I filed my taxes!

    Please share your joys!

    1. nep*

      It was a relief to go over my taxes w my accountant friend and file them. She’s the sweetest woman on earth; still, I always have some discomfort when it comes to airing my financial matters; my situation is chaos right now and she’s the only one on earth who knows all the details. It was good to just move through that and be done with it. I’m so grateful to her for her kindness, grace, professionalism, and meticulousness.

      Got to hug the little one this week. Perfect joy and all I need in life.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I have one of those tax people too, nep. They are such a blessing and do not even realize. I have known my person forever- we have probably been doing business since the 80s. We’ve watched each others lives unfold. She never says a word about my numbers, not as much as even a nose crinkle. She stopped doing taxes for a short bit and I almost cried. But then she resumed doing taxes and I went flying right back to her.

        1. nep*

          Oh, you get it, NSNR. Truly, it’s a blessing.
          I keep thinking, ‘You can never retire!’

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Retirement is a whole ‘nother thing.

            Sometimes I question if retirement is actually desirable. I guess it matters how we fill up our time once we retire. One study I saw said that people who retire young have a tendency to die young. Uh, I think that kind of defeats the point of early retirement.
            Going the other way, I have seen instances where people are told to retire by their doc. They chose to keep working. And then they died young (early 60s) and still employed at the time of passing.

            I have watched too many of my elders retire and gradually realize that their sense of purpose is GONE. Their personality changes and it reflects their own negative thinking. It becomes a downhill slide.

            More and more, I tend to think of “working until my dying day” might be a positive not a negative. We have people here, who are in their 80s and still showing up to work regularly. I had a 100 year old neighbor who, while she did not hold down a traditional job, she worked in her house and yard. She painted her house on the outside. At 100 years old. All three stories. Gosh, that was humbling to watch. She was fine, me -not so much.

            So the reply to “I can never retire!” might be, “Do I really want to retire?”. Maybe I actually don’t. I have to think on this some more.

            1. nep*

              Oh, I don’t envision myself ever completely stopping work until I absolutely have to. Some kind of work. Thanks for your thoughts/insights. I meant I think that about my accountant–she can never retire. (But I know she must one day…Here’s hoping by then my financial situation and tax filings will be less complicated.)
              She’s just been such a blessing. And you hit it on the head in your initial response–she doesn’t even realise how much.

            2. Chaordic One*

              My grandmother retired early at 62. She often said she regretted retiring early and that if she’d known better she would have kept working until she was 80. I really don’t know if she could have worked that long, but she probably could have worked up until 70 or maybe even 75 or so. She had made a visit to her Social Security Office and was inquiring about her benefits and the representative kept telling her about all of the people who had died before they turned 65 and never got to receive the benefit which kind of scared her into retiring early. She lived to be 92, although her health wasn’t very good after age 86 when she went legally blind from macular degeneration and had to give up driving.

              1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

                My dad took early retirement at 59. He and Mom did the “sell the house, buy a camper” thing and traveled for a year, staying for a while wherever they wanted. They found a place where the climate was agreeable and tried it out for a year in their trailer, doing light groundskeeping for a discounted lot rent. They made more friends there than they had in all the years in our town. They bought a house, and loved every minute of retirement, indulging in hobbies and social activities they’d never had time for. They both lived into their nineties, and Dad would give a happy cackle when he thought about getting retirement benefits from his employer for more years than he’d worked there.

      3. NoLongerYoung*

        Agree, nep. Some of you may remember my horrendous finding about the (now deceased spouse). I was shattered, and still had to do taxes and more to catch up. My accountant friend/angel CAME TO MY HOUSE and sat with me for an hour, got my started being organized, and gave me homework… then came back to help me again. Her unbelievable kindness and integrity – I was able to share with her the awful details – and willingness to be transparent about a family member of hers who had also been taken advantage of – made all the difference. It still took me 6x longer than it should have (as I took crying breaks)… but I did get it done. Looking back I will be eternally grateful. I paid her but it was so much more than the money for me. (and her).

    2. Dwight Schrute*

      I got my taxes done and am getting a nice sized return! It will pay for the tattoo I’m planning, and is a relief to have them done

      1. allathian*

        Congrats! I still remember the joy I felt when my son walked to me for the first time unassisted. I was sitting on a low stool (hip mobility issues prevent me from sitting on the floor or crouching) with my arms outstretched and my son walked right into them for a hug.

    4. AGD*

      I got to see a wonderful friend in person for the first time in months and we had so much fun.

    5. Bobina*

      Daisy May Cooper (comedian/actor person?) has been having…something of a spat with her publisher on Instagram regarding her new book and its absolutely hilarious. Spat is probably the wrong word, but in essence, she is a very unserious, irreverent person – and I guess her person at Penguin is not and well. I have been quite amused by the whole thing. I love that she just doesnt seem to care what people think about her.

      Other happy making thing is some sunshine this week, and seeds germinating which is a joy because the last ones failed miserably. So just hoping they survive long enough and actually make it outside and thrive!

      1. fposte*

        I will have to look for that—I love publishing spats and while I have never quite gotten into This Country I loved her on Taskmaster.

        1. Bobina*

          Same! I started following her probably after she went on Graham Norton and seemed very tipsy and it’s quite unclear what, if anything, she was promoting but she was definitely having a good time :D

          But yeah. Bent knobs is all I can say

    6. Laura Petrie*

      I finished my first placement for the degree I started in September and got some lovely feedback from my educator. This will be a massive career change for me and I’ve been worried about if I was doing the right thing. I enjoyed my placement so much and am looking forward to lectures restarting on Monday.

      My newish rescue guinea pig is getting really settled now and I spending less time hiding in his little house. He gets to meet his new lady friend in a couple of weeks and I’m so excited for them both!

    7. fposte*

      Weather has been fair enough that after I met a friend for a walk yesterday we just hauled out chairs and had a nice long driveway visit. It was amazing.

    8. TX Lizard*

      One of my close friends has been struggling with health and other issues all year (on top of all the Covid stress). She’s been very distant and I’ve been trying to give her both space and support, but worrying a ton about her wellbeing and if she was feeling isolated from our little friend group. But the other night she joined our monthly zoom hang out for the first time in almost a year! She seems to be doing better and there was no awkwardness catching her back up with everyone. It was like she’d been there all along and it was so good to see her. It made me so happy to have the whole group back together that I couldn’t sleep at all that night. Boosted mood for the whole week.
      I love my friends in the cheesiest, most unapologetic way :’)

    9. Hotdog not Dog*

      My teenage son is musically inclined. The other day he engineered a song using clips of himself playing various instruments along with a few bits of other songs. It was fabulous!

    10. OyHiOh*

      I checked delivery status on an order while I was making breakfast and discovered the package may be delivered as soon as this morning. ModCloth shoes and wide-leg pants. I’ve loved ModCloth for ages and finally can afford to buy a few pieces once in a while.

    11. Chaordic One*

      I got a call out of the blue last Monday asking if I wanted to have an appointment for the COVID-19 vaccination, so of course I said, “yes.” At the time, according to the most recent declarations by our state health department, they were officially only giving vaccinations to those 65 and older or with certain health conditions. I told them I wasn’t 65 yet, so I probably wasn’t eligible, but they took my name anyway and now I’m schedule to get it on Wednesday next week. Two days later the state health department announced they were lowering the age limit to those 50 and older starting on Monday, the 8th, so I qualify after all and I’m not jumping any lines. Maybe they knew this was going to happen when they asked if I wanted an appointment. After the announcement my sister made an appointment to get her shot and she is scheduled to get it first thing Monday morning. It feels a bit of a relief and I finally feel like some progress is happening with the pandemic.

    12. Potatoes gonna potate*

      My mother and I reconnected with a family member recently. I was talking to her in more detail this week over whatsapp and we both agreed that it was unfortunate that we had lost touch. I shared her number with other cousins who were interested in talking to her so that was nice.

      another joy is that I found a pair of jeans that finally fit. Torrid came out with mid-fit jeans that are generous in the waist but still fitted/tight at the hips and legs. For far too long plus size clothing catered only to the pear shaped/hourglass population and those of us with bigger stomachs & slimmer legs were ignored by fashion — the only ones I could wear before this were maternity jeans as those accomodated for larger midsections.

    13. NoLongerYoung*

      I got rid of the very last item from the hoard that (decesased spouse left) in our back yard. Unbelievably excited. I still have one walk in closet in my office to deal with, but woo hoo— I have a normal huge back yard at last. 12 cars finally gone, the equivalent of (3) 10×30 storage units in tents and under cover, and much much more loose and outside. All gone. 2.5 years.

      I actually feel like I weigh less and am younger. The money, the hours and hours and hours of effort… the dump runs, craigslist/freecycle, front lawn free signs, endless photos and listings… donations… literally part of every weekend for 2.5 years. I barely know what to do with the time. But a happy dance in the sunshine on the empty concrete is probably in order!

      2. Lizzie*

        I wonder if you have seen the site ‘tetanus burger’ – two sisters spend years decluttering their father’s house and property; many many cars etc – very engagingly written – only if you can bear it of course! Congratulations on completing the task and on your powers of endurance!

        1. NoLongerYoung*

          Thank you – fascinating! I had not seen that, but it – and the reddit category for hoarders – was so interesting. And yes, my yard looked a LOT like that. The only thing that saved me was that the lot was smaller! I see a lot of similarities….

      3. Not So NewReader*

        Oh my, congratulations, what a long haul for you. I remember when you started it sounded absolutely overwhelming and you were determined. All that determination paid off- I’m throwing confetti. (but not on YOUR yard.)

    14. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I downloaded a coloring pages app for my tablet and have apparently blown my ENTIRE DAY coloring mandalas, as I just looked up to realize it’s almost 5:30 and I have done NOTHING productive so far this weekend. :P So tomorrow’s gonna be busy, but I really enjoyed the coloring :)

    15. WoodswomanWrites*

      A long-time friend shared a news story about the area where he grew up, and included in his email his beautifully written story from his own childhood. It was such a touching portrait of his growing up and I had no idea he was such an expressive writer.

    16. Seeking Second Childhood*

      On a regular call with college friends earlier this week, I shared some things that made everyone laugh and that triggered happy conversation. Best of all, one of the things was something I’d flagged in a 4am insomnia session thinking of one of these friends — and her eyes lit up. I’m still bubbly when I think of how the mood brightened.

    17. Blomma*

      I’ve been taking zoom language classes through a local cultural club. My dad is an immigrant and I’m learning his native language. This week when I called to sign up for the next quarter, I didn’t have to spell my (difficult for English speakers to pronounce and spell) name for the woman I spoke with because it’s an extremely typical name in my dad’s (and my) culture/language.

    18. SarahKay*

      A ten-pack of Cadbury’s creme eggs is sitting in my pantry, minus one egg – yum!
      And, at the non-weekend place, we’ve finally managed to sign a contract for vending machines where we can use our own mugs instead of the pre-supplied plastic ones. I won’t even be there to take advantage of it for at least the next couple of months, and I’m still absolutely delighted.

  31. Laura H.*

    Historic sites.

    Today is the anniversary of the fall of the Alamo- an important event in Texas History.

    I went in June of 2017 for my first (and likely only) visit while playing tourist with an Internet friend I was hosting, and while that was really cool, it was also very sobering.

    While I understand that history happens everywhere, being somewhere you’ve read about in your textbooks and that seems so integral to a history that you know hits so differently.

    Anyone else want to share similar experiences?

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        From Hawaii. The Arizona memorial always wrecks me. When people visit and want to see it I’d have to psych myself up.

    2. pancakes*

      I live in downtown NYC, and in recent years it’s become a thing for people to chalk the names of the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory workers who died on the sidewalk at their addresses, along with a few details if known. I’d been to the site of the fire itself on a tour a long time ago, but seeing the names and details is very affecting, particularly because many of them were very young women and lived in my neighborhood. There’s a website for the project called rememberthetrianglefire dot org.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Re the Triangle Fire – I hadn’t heard of the recent commemorations; that’s very touching! I’ve read several nonfiction accounts of the tragedy (and even a novel or two), and always find it harrowing. (And infuriating, with regard to the ways in which workplace safety and workers’ rights are still being flouted.) Will visit the spot if/when I get to the city again.

        1. pancakes*

          It is harrowing. The building itself isn’t much to see (and is presently owned by NYU), but the commemoration project happens every year around the anniversary, which is coming up on March 25th.

    3. Grim*

      If you think about it, the folks at the Alamo were aliens in Mexico and were killed because of their occupation of Mexican land.
      History is now repeating itself.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      There is an old pipe organ in my area. It used to be in another place where it stood as a silent witness to major parts of the America Revolution. There is a long list of historically very famous people who have heard it play. It’s mind bending that I can hear something people heard 250 years ago, it feels like touching eternity somehow.

    5. WellRed*

      I had the same reaction at the Alamo. Similarly, the memorial in Salem to women in the witch trials was very sobering.

    6. Amber Rose*

      I cried, like full on tears streaming down my face, when I left the Peace Museum in Hiroshima.

      It was devastating. I’m really glad I went but I never want to go back, if that makes sense.

    7. GoryDetails*

      I live in New England, which is simply lousy with historic spots {wry grin} – indeed, I love to wander around Boston and basically trip over plaques, monuments, and historic artifacts at every turn. Some of the ones that I found memorable were small plaques about events that took place when the surrounding area looked very different: in Boston, the Molasses Flood (might sound amusing but it was a deadly nightmare), in a location that’s now a harborside park but that at the time was an industrial area with overhead railways, warehouses, and homes; and the Cocoanut Grove fire, in downtown Boston in an area that’s now a parking lot, with the commemorative plaque barely noticeable if you aren’t looking for it.

      Yet another entry in the category of “lessons STILL need to be learned about fire safety”, the Station nightclub fire in Rhode Island took place in 2003; there’s a very impressive and moving memorial on the site, with individual markers for every victim, placed along a winding path leading to a kiosk with a timeline of the tragedy. It made the human toll more real, somehow, than the media accounts, at least for me.

      More upbeat historical spots have included “following in the footsteps of” pathways – I live in an area that encompasses the waterways taken by Thoreau for his account of “A Week on the Concord and Merrimack Rivers”, and when I recognized all the stopping points and realized just how far his river trip went, it really struck home. (Kinda made me want to learn to paddle a canoe, but I’m not sure I’m up for an upriver trip; maybe floating down with the current could be doable someday…)

    8. DistantAudacity*

      I had a sort of an experience when I visited Glastonbury Abbey, and was looking at the list of names of the abbots – about 800 years’ worth. And the latest name was from 500 years ago (Henry VIII and all that).

      For some reason, that specific moment made feel sort of «whoa, there’s a lot of history here that’s been going on for a while». And made feel somewhat glad that even as barbaric Scandinavian, at least our written history goes back that far.

      (Of course, this is nothing on, say, our Italian friends who can’t dig a ditch without uncovering 2000 years of history…Approximately)

    9. Analyst Editor*

      I feel this walking through Chicago, and think of that poem by carl Sandburg. I used to feel that about NYC, especially at the 9/11 site. But NYC had lost its appeal a bit; too crazy for my tastes.
      Also ancient historical sites: Cambridge (England); Jerusalem, Roman ruins.

    10. Susie*

      Monticello

      When I went a few years ago, I was luckily enough to get a tour guide who focused on the lives of slaves Jefferson owned.

    11. Lifelong student*

      I have been to most of the places others have mentioned and been awed by the memories and stories of the places. I have traveled through much of Europe, the Mid-East- including Israel and Egypt, as well as in Japan and China. The small, unassuming British Cemetery at Monte Cassino left me in tears. They were so young.

    12. Dark Macadamia*

      Pompeii. The casts of how people were positioned when they died are so tragic, but somehow the most powerful part was just walking on the street and being able to see and touch ruts in the road that were made thousands of years ago.

      1. Max Kitty*

        Mark Twain’s Innocents Abroad has a funny commentary about the ruts and the Street Commissioner of Pompeii. But reading it, you get the sense of connection between now (though his “now” was more than 150 years ago) and then.

    13. Dark Macadamia*

      Less profound – I was obsessed with Laura Ingalls Wilder as a kid and got the chance to visit her house (Rocky Ridge Farm) as an adult. There’s a museum attached with family artifacts and I literally cried looking at Pa’s fiddle.

    14. The Other Dawn*

      It’s not actually a historic site, but a museum: The National Atomic Testing Museum in Las Vegas. When you first enter the museum, the first thing to visit is the theater, which shows the blast video of an atomic test from the perspective of the men in the desert watching and conducting the test. Being in that theater, seeing the explosion and then seeing this massive shockwave coming towards the screen was scary for me. I think the reason it affected me so much is because of the TV movie, The Day After (1983). When I saw that as a kid (9 yrs old), it was terrifying and I worried for a long time about nuclear war–it was my biggest fear at the time.

    15. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Walking through the gates of Dachau raised the hackles on the back of my neck and they didn’t go down the whole time I was there. I couldn’t even make myself walk into the crematorium.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        A couple years ago, I went on a tour of some Civil War battlefields – Gettysburg, Antietam, Bull Run, and then a couple of the smaller ones around Richmond. As I was walking through the woods on a trail, I suddenly had this weird feeling like I had somehow fallen through time and was about to walk out into a camping area full of soldiers, and what the hell would I do then? Heh. Luckily when I came back out of the woods, there was the parking lot.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Battlefields from the Revolution can give a similar feeling. Of course, some folks love a good story and people tell stories of at night seeing soldiers still fighting the Revolution.

        2. MysteryFan*

          I have visited several battlefields, both Civil War and Revolutionary War, but for some reason Gettysburg always just overwhelms me with sadness.

    16. WoodswomanWrites*

      I visited Wounded Knee on the Pine Ridge Reservation of the Oglala Sioux in South Dakota, the site of one of many tragic incidents in US history where Native Americans were killed. It was a sad experience. The tribal museum was a really incredible place that brought this history to life while providing a counterpoint of empowerment in response to the continuing legacy of genocide and poverty.

    17. Michaele Burris*

      Re: The Alamo. General Santa Anna swept in to San Antonio to put down a general uprising throughout Mexico against his dictatorial rule. This included the Tejanos, the citizens of Mexico who lived in Texas, and the Texians, residents of Texas, including foreigners.
      Santa Anna and his army came north to San Antonio to quash the rebellion of mostly Mexican citizens. He deputized all of the male citizens who had not taken shelter in the Alamo as reservists, and told them to stand ready to fight. Santa Anna raised the flag of No Quarter (all combatants would be killed) on the spire of the Catholic Cathedral.
      The men in the Alamo were offered the .opportunity to leave, since the forces arrayed against them were certain to overwhelm the defenders.
      My 3rd great granduncle, Jose Maria (Gregorio) Esparza, was one of the men who had taken refuge in the Alamo, with their families. His brother, my 3rd great grandfather Francisco Esparza, remained in the town, hoping that he would not have to fight his own brother.
      After a 13 day standoff, the Mexican army poured over the walls and killed almost all the men. Gregorio was shot in front of his wife and children.
      The furious defense by about 200 defenders killed 600 of the Mexican soldiers.
      I was able to attend the memorial of the Defenders of the Alamo several years ago, the only descendent of Francisco Esparza to be present. It was a moving experience, to be in the place where principle and self-preservation faced off. Gregorio chose principle. May I follow his example.

    18. Old and Don’t Care*

      Not sure if this is exactly what you’re going for, but:

      I’m in my mid-fifties, and Margaret Garner was not much in the public consciousness before Toni Morrison’s Beloved, which came out when I was in college. I never read the novel but knew the basic story, and that she had fled slavery and escaped to Cincinnati, where I live. However, recently I looked into the history more (what there is of it), and was shocked to learn that Margaret Garner had been enslaved on and escaped from a plantation in Boone County in Northern Kentucky, which is basically now a suburb of Cincinnati. Although I certainly knew Kentucky was a slave state I never thought about the horrors of slavery being so close. As I said, I was shocked.

    19. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      Almost all my vacations for decades have involved historic sites and museums, but four got to me on an emotional level: 1) Shiloh National Military Park, which is less touristy than Gettysburg, and was slightly foggy the day we were there, so quite atmospheric. A great-great uncle had died near there, far from his Illinois home, during the War, so it felt a little personal. 2) Fort Raleigh National Historic Site on Roanoke Island. It had rained shortly before we arrived, nobody else was there, there was a low fog just above the ground, and it was spooky as hell. I kept looking over my shoulder the entire time we were there. 3) The 54th Regiment memorial in Boston, which I saw shortly after seeing the movie Glory. I may have cried like a baby. 4) The Women’s Rights National Historical Park in Seneca Falls, New York. Walking into the visitor center with all the statues representing both famous figures and average citizens, and being able to mingle with them, was an awesome experience. I introduced myself to some of them as I walked through. And then sitting in a pew in the Wesleyan Chapel where the 1848 convention was held was both moving and satisfying. I’ll stop before I think of more, like the Johnstown Flood National Memorial and …

    20. MysteryFan*

      I always tear up when I read Col. Travis’ last letter, it is now reproduced on a plaque outside the Alamo, but the first time I saw it (as a child) it was framed on the wall inside. May have been a reproduction, but to me it looked real.

      also, the Holocaust Museum in DC. The room with the shoes! Oh my word.. I just broke down right there…

    21. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Long ago, on a heavily scheduled student bus tour of England, we had a free afternoon in Windsor. (Castle closed to tours that day.) I stepped off the bus in the car park and…. those walls were pure magic. I slipped away from the tour group and spend the afternoon wandering every street I could find, wishing I lived there.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        (Not in the castle. My dreams were set in the close-packed market buildings, or the Georgian & Victorian row houses.)

    22. KoiFeeder*

      I had a full-on panic attack in the holocaust museum.

      My teacher was so mad at me for ruining things, she spent the whole bus ride back chewing me out.

  32. Green Snickers*

    Low calorie/healthy salad dressings- who makes them and tips?

    Just discovered my beloved Aldi salad bags are rocking WAY more calories than I thought and I suspect it’s due to the Asian Sesame dressing and Sweet Onion dressing in there that appear to me absolutely loaded with sugar. I’m good with making pretty basic dressings with oil, vinegar and some lemon but anyone make some of their favs/low calorie themself? Extra props if you’ve ever made one of the two I’m craving above! I’ll also do store bought as long as it’s actually healthier and not just low-fat but packed with sugar

    1. HannahS*

      I make a few riffs on miso-ginger-sesame dressings, mostly based on Smitten Kitchen’s recipes. They’re wonderful on lettuce based-salads, cooked green vegetables, and as a dressing for rice bowls. I’d recommend it. They take a few ingredients, but all of the components except ginger keep just about forever in the fridge.

      1. Coco*

        Ginger keeps forever in the freezer. I usually wrap it in plastic wrap or throw it in a freezer bag. I tend to grate mine so use a microplane to get rid of the peel.

        I find it much easier than fresh.

      2. Janne*

        Miso is an amazing ingredient for dressings! It’s so rich and full of taste. I like a combination of miso, ginger, sesame oil and rice vinegar (1:1:1:1) on salads, but also as a noodle sauce. It sticks to the noodles really well (as opposed to something more liquidy like things based on soy sauce).

    2. Girasol*

      I do a creamy ranch sort of dressing with greek yogurt seasoned with salt, pepper, garlic, and herbs. It’s surprisingly good on lettuce or cucumbers. A pseudo-Chinese dressing of soy sauce, balsamic vinegar, sesame oil, garlic and ginger works too. That’s about my limit. I never mastered the more complicated dressings.

      1. Dan*

        Yeah… yogurt can work as a substitute for mayo in many recipes.

        What do you consider “more complicated”? I make my own Caesar (not healthy) but it is over the top. The trick to getting things to emulsify is to make sure your egg yolks and oils are at the same temp. Fridge-cold egg yolk + room temp oil = won’t emulsify.

    3. fposte*

      I’m lazy so I just drizzle Blaze balsamic glaze. There’s definitely a high sugar proportion but it’s 20 calories for a tablespoon and I doubt I even use a teaspoon for a largish bowl— the glaze texture makes it easy to dribble/squirt on without losing anything to the bottom of the bowl.

    4. Dan*

      Oil and vinegar is a base for lots of things. I will add dry Italian dressing mix to that. Other times I will use mustard as an alternative to lemon juice.

      If you are comfortable in the kitchen, learning to mix up your salts and acids will go a long way toward adding variety to “the basics.”

      As for sugar, unless I’m baking with it, I will either use honey or blue agave nectar. The later is actually more sweet than sugar, so you can use way less of it.

    5. Alex*

      Check out the refrigerated dressings–the yogurt-based ones, etc. They can be pretty tasty while really reducing the overall calorie count. I like boathouse yogurt dressings, and Trader Joes’ has some vegan refrigerated ones too. They’re usually about 40 calories per serving.

    6. Teatime is Goodtime*

      I love using hummus as a base! Any hummus will do, though plenty have sugar mixed in, so watch for that. I add oil and vinegar and spices and dress it like any normal dressing. So delicious.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      The white sauce from the Serious Eats halal chicken recipe makes a pretty good salad dressing – as written, it’s half a cup of plain Greek yogurt, ditto of mayo, 1T sugar, 2T white vinegar, 1tsp lemon juice, salt and pepper to taste, all whisked together. You could also easily cut the sugar by half without hurting the flavor any, and use more yogurt and less mayo (or vice versa, as your preference).

    8. AcademiaNut*

      I tend not to use sugar at all in homemade dressings (with the exception of sugar contained in ketchup), and I use way less oil than in store-bought dressings. Some of my favourites

      Asian sesame dressing – sesame oil, soy sauce, finely grated ginger, and rice vinegar.
      Balsamic vinegar, soy sauce, garlic and olive oil, a bit of dijon mustard whisked in. Good on spinach and mushroom salad
      Lemon juice, miso paste, olive oil – excellent on tomato onion salad
      Lemon juice, red wine vinegar, mustard, oregano, black pepper, olive oil – Greek style vinegarette
      yoghurt, fresh mint or dill, grated onion, lemon, garlic (tatziki-like)
      yoghurt, finely diced Indian lime pickle (also good as a dip)
      totally inauthentic Caesar – yoghurt or mayo , anchovy, worcestershire sauce, garlic, finely grated parmesan
      totally inauthentic Thousand Islands – a mix of yoghurt and mayo, ketchup, dijon mustard, paprika, finely diced pickles and onions.

      Yoghurt makes an excellent base for creamy dressings, and is much less calorie dense than mayo (which is mostly oil). Sometimes I mix yoghurt with some mayo for the flavour.

      I also like chopped vegetable salads with lemon juice and a sprinkle of Indian chaat masala (a standard spice mix).

      If I were to try a sweet onion dressing, I think I’d start by slowly cooking down real onions, puree them, and add the seasonings. I do this for the sauce for pulled pork, and it gives me a lot of flavourful sauce without masses of sugar (or pre-made BBQ sauce, which is very sugary).

    9. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

      Not a recipe, but I’ve found that if I mix the dressing to everything EXCEPT the lettuce that I need less because I get a better coating. So I cut everything and put it in a large bowl, add a little s&p and a little dressing and give it a good mix. Taste, and if needed, add a bit more. Then I add the lettuce and give it another good stir. Usually I’ll pour it into a smaller bowl, tho if I’m home alone I just eat it out of the mixing bowl. :-D

    10. lemon meringue*

      I always make my own dressings. I don’t use a recipe, just shake some proportion of oil, vinegar, sweetener, salt and pepper in a jar, just to make enough for that day. A few ideas to add some different flavours:
      -sesame oil or high quality olive oil
      -flavoured balsamic vinegars (I have a great local olive oil and balsamic store)
      -flavoured mustards
      -small amount of jelly
      -strongly flavoured honey or maple syrup
      -fresh herbs

  33. Nicole76*

    I’ve reached that age where I can’t read fine print, or books, without removing my glasses and getting really close. So it’s time for either bifocals or progressive lenses. I prefer the idea of the latter, but how hard are they to adjust to?

    2. A Girl Named Fred*

      I don’t wear progressives/bifocals but I did used to work in an optometrist’s office! Unfortunately, the answer is usually, “It depends.” Some folks have absolutely no trouble adjusting to them, and others will struggle. The bifocals are generally easier to get used to, because there’s a clear line that says “use this section to view things at this distance” whereas the progressives sort of ‘run together’ so they can be harder to adjust to. (For the record I’d say a majority of our patients had little to no trouble adjusting to progressives, but we did have a few who had enough struggle that they switched to the bifocals.)

      One thing that helps no matter which type you get – when they go to measure where they’ll put the line, make sure you’re wearing the glasses WHERE YOU WILL WEAR THEM. The techs have a(n understandable!) habit of pushing them all the way up your face, but if that isn’t where you’re going to put them then the measurement will be off. My mom struggled with her progressives for a while before I learned this tip because she scooches her glasses down a bit so her eyelashes don’t hit them, and her next pair was much better.

      I hope that helps a bit, and good luck! Progressives can be great if you adapt well to them. :)

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        **THIS**. Make sure the glasses as delivered and adjusted to sit at the same point because having the focal point in the wrong place will give you headaches. (I will never go back to the eyeglasses store where the guy insisted on adjusting my frames to fit in the wrong place. I had to readjust the nose pieces myself and that’s probably why they didn’t last as long as glasses usually do.)
        I found that the progressives I had with large lenses were easier to use than the ones with small lenses — but both stink for me for driving because I like to tip my head back against the headrest which leaves me looking down my nose at the road. Right in the “up close” area.

    3. Lifelong student*

      I wore progressives for many year- until I had cataract surgery with implants. Now I use cheap readers for close work- but have to take them off for distance. I got 3 pair for $10 at walmart so leave them in various spots around the house. For a while, I had computer glasses as well for long days at the office. Tried regular bifocals once to try to save money- took them back two days later because I couldn’t stand the lines. Progressives are great.

      1. Nicole76*

        So do you switch from regular glasses to readers? Because I can’t see any better with just readers. I would need them on top of my regular glasses to be able to see fine print.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I have no line bifocals. I am very happy with them. The first day with the first pair felt different, but it was just that one day.

    5. GoryDetails*

      I’ve had progressives for years and, for most of that time, I’ve liked them – but now my aging eyes seem to have more stringent requirements, and I’ve been thinking of getting separate specs for web-browsing vs. general walking/driving around. Haven’t wanted to venture to the optometrist during COVID unless it’s an emergency, but it’s getting to the point where I definitely need new glasses anyway, so I’ll ask them about the options for specific-purpose vs. progressive.

      1. Imtheone*

        You can get progressives that have the full range, and also progressives that go from computer distance to reading. My husband loves the computer glasses.

        1. allathian*

          Yeah, I have both. My computer glasses are a must for work, or else I’d get a crick in my neck trying to focus on the screen.

          My eyes are fairly equal, so when I’m just reading a book or playing a game on my cellphone, I prefer to take my glasses off, although I’ll keep them on if I’m fiddling with my phone while I’m watching TV, for example.

          I’ve never had any trouble adjusting to new glasses, although when I got my first pair of progressives, it took about two weeks before I was comfortable walking down the stairs at the office (3 storeys). There’s a spiral staircase and I hate those at the best of times, although it’s a great way to get some exercise during the day.

    6. Pippa K*

      Love my progressive lenses. If I’m reading for a long time I just take them off, but for most of the day, switching back and forth between long/medium/near distance as one does, it’s so nice not to have to take off the glasses I need for distance vision (or wear contacts for distance, then add reading glasses to read). I found them very easy to adjust to; instant improvement.

    7. Hotdog not Dog*

      I love my progressive bifocals! It took me about a hot second to get used to them. My mother hated hers and went back to wearing a pair on her face for seeing and a second pair on top of her head for reading. Everyone has a different experience. My eye doctor had a 30 day free trial, so if I didn’t like them they would have replaced the lenses back to my single prescription for no additional cost.

    8. Wishing You Well*

      I just can’t do bifocals. They made me dizzy. That was a lot of money to throw in a drawer to gather dust. *sigh*
      I wear glasses and use readers. I like the readers that hang around your neck and snap together with a magnet at the bridge when you need them.
      If you can tolerate bifocals or progressive lenses, that’s fantastic!

      1. Nicole76*

        Do you swap between the two or put the readers on over your glasses? I just saw that they sell snap-on readers and I’m tempted to give them a try before looking at progressives. Much cheaper, and since I’m at home all the time I’m not worried about how they look.

    9. Girasol*

      It pays to do some homework up front. Study how you sit with a book: how far is it from your face and at what angle? Do you do anything else close-up (sewing, maybe?) and is that at the same distance? What about the computer: same or different distance? You’ll want to describe this to the optometrist. Pay attention to where the line ought to be on your glasses (you can mark it on your old glasses with a marker). Where would it be too low to be useful when reading? Where too high for, say, driving the car? What lens will you use for the speedometer? If you don’t know, the optometrist will assume average reading distance and the optician will assume average height of bifocal lens, which will probably be okay, but they can do better if you know better what you want. I’ve worn lined bifocals since I was a kid and stopped noticing the line after about an hour of wiggling my head around trying to find it. I still prefer line lenses to maximize useful lens space: no neither-here-nor-there progressive space. I have done trifocals (one lens for books, one for computer) and they have an unexpected issue: the bands are so narrow that I had to nod up and down to read a whole page or screen. Consider that if you have reason to consider trifocals.

      1. Nicole76*

        This is very helpful advice, thank you! I have a small head/face and therefore wear small frames, so I’m starting to worry progressives wouldn’t work well for me since I have less space to work with than the average glasses-wearer.

    10. Not A Manager*

      I love my progressives. It did take me a while to adjust to them. My optometrist gave me some pointers, most of which I don’t remember, but basically I started off wearing them an hour or two a day at home, and then worked up. Don’t try to drive in them until you’re used to them, and be very careful on stairs. It took me less than a week to fully adjust.

    11. Courageous cat*

      I worked in an optometrist’s office for some time and almost never saw someone wearing bifocals anymore, maaaaybe once a month. Just about everyone over a certain age had progressives. I think you’ll probably be fine.

    12. Can't Sit Still*

      I need a large lens for progressives to work for me; otherwise, I constantly feel like I’m falling down. I strongly prefer bifocals with smaller lens. The exception is progressives for close work, which is where I prefer progressives over bifocals. I have prescription sunglasses that are distance only. Basically, I need 3 different pairs of glasses at all times, which works for me.

    13. The teapots are on fire*

      Progressives work great for me, but because I have a complicated prescription (bifocal and astigmatism and prisms) I learned the hard way that dispensing eyeglasses is actually quite complicated and a lot depends on the choice of lens that’s used at the start. So look carefully at online reviews for the place where you get your glasses. It makes a huge difference.

    14. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’ve been wearing progressive lenses for years and they are fantastic. The first time I put them on leaving the optometrist was amusing, as I was walking across a checker pattern floor and everything looked uneven. But I adjusted within just a few days.

      As I got older, I eventually needed a second set of glasses for computer work. Those are progressives, too and they’re great.

    15. Rusty Shackelford*

      I tried progressive lenses a couple of times but they just didn’t work for me. The area of the lens for reading is so small that I found myself actually moving my head back and forth as I read. I’ve been using bifocals for years. I do have an issue with any horizontal lines across my field of vision as I’m walking (i.e. stairs or patterned carpet) and I need separate computer glasses, but these are still preferable to trying to read through a pea-sized focus area on progressive lenses.

    16. Chilipepper*

      Husband got progressives and absolutely could not use them. He got separate distance and close up glasses and it looks like a real pain in the butt to do that. I gave him a hard time about his inflexibility.

      Then the doc told me I need distance in addition to readers and he suggested progressives. I could never adjust to them and went back several times. I now have 2 pairs of glasses, distance and readers and have apologized to my husband.

    17. RagingADHD*

      I had trouble adjusting to my first set of progressives, and it turned out they weren’t made correctly. I got them fixed and adjusting took a couple of days.

      It was better for my posture, actually, because I have a bad habit of leading with my chin. Now I have to straighten up and relax my neck to see distance out of the top of the lenses.

  34. Lcsa99*

    Has anyone ever bought a bed remotely? Not just a mattress, but the whole kit-n-kaboodle? My mother lives in the middle of nowhere, is immunocompromised and mostly wheelchair bound, and I just found out that she’s been using her bed as storage because it’s too high for her. She’s been sleeping in a recliner for who knows how long. So she’s working on selling the bed, but will need to buy a new one. Any recommendations (or warnings) for sites she can use?

    1. pancakes*

      We bought a Saatva mattress a few months ago and are very happy with it. Silly name aside, I’ve seen a number of people recommend getlaidbeds dot com, which are solid wood, not too expensive, and come in a variety of heights and styles.

      1. Techie*

        Seconding Saatva. They also offer an option to haul away the old mattress/box spring upon delivery of the new. Guys who delivered mine were very nice, well-masked & cleaned up all boxes/packaging

        1. pancakes*

          That was an important selling point for us, because the last mattress we bought before this one, more than a decade ago, was supposed to be hauled away by the delivery people and wasn’t! We found it outside our apartment building instead, which is a big no-no here and can result in a big fine.

    2. Laura H.*

      No warnings but another angle you might take as a temporary or permanent adjustment.

      I recently acquiesced to lowering my bed by removing the frame to see if it would reduce instances of slipping and being unable to get off the floor. (I’m prideful and sorta weird about that kind of thing.)

      With nothing between the boxspring and the floor it was way way too low. The idea we had that is a happy medium and working well is that we bought two 72 inch long 4 by 4 wood beams as well as a nonskid deck mat- my room is tiled- and set the bed on that. It’s at a good height for me and the getting up wrong or slipping due to bad foot placement and bad angles on that has dropped considerably.

      You might need more beams if it’s bigger than a twin bed but I wouldn’t know how many more.

      1. Lcsa99*

        Unfortunately she has one of those adjustable beds, so I don’t think just removing the box spring is an option. But I did think of that before she gave me that detail!

      2. Dwight Schrute*

        I did! Not together though. Ordered the bed frame off of Amazon and it’s very easy to assemble and disassemble. Also ordered a purple mattress and LOVE it. The best dang bed I’ve ever slept on

    3. Laura Petrie*

      Have you spoken to an occupational therapist? They may be able to advise on something like this.

      1. Laura H.*

        That’s a great idea. I might possibly also add area councils on aging as an additional resource.

    4. Dan*

      I bought a new bed last year, and TBH, I won’t buy a bed I can’t plant my butt in before buying. I realize you’ve got a situation that complicates this.

      But what I also learned was that buying beds online was a PITA, because there are so many choices now, and for some reason, every online store seems to tout a 4.8+ star average review. Does that mean they’re all the same and it doesn’t matter? I donno.

      And FWIW, I have a bed that I absolutely love. OTOH, it’s not cheap. And yet others on AAM who have it or have used it say it’s not worth the price. All I’m saying here is that everybody is different, and buying a bed because other people like/don’t like it isn’t the way to go. (At least from a general vote tally… if you’re getting into details about why people like/don’t like things, that’s a different story.)

    5. Lizy*

      Got ours – and the kids’ – off Walmart when we moved. No biggie at all.

      I mean, I heard my husband and teenager had “fun” putting it together but I wouldn’t know… I managed to escape for bed-putting-together day lol

    6. ShinyPenny*

      If her doctor prescribes it as a Medical Necessity, health insurance may pay for a hospital bed which can be raised/lowered to adapt to the user’s needs. Like, the entire matress goes down really far! It’s a thing Medicare covers, for instance.
      It’s important to be clear with the doctor about the reasons it’s medically necessary, so you hit the exact qualifying issues. Doctors shoukd know, but sometimes they don’t. If you want more ideas about these details, happy to share our experiences. If she uses a wheelchair, though, it would seem really clearly needed.
      One awesome part is that delivery and set up is included!

    7. Anono-me*

      If you haven’t, please check the legs on the bed. One of the people in our family has an adjustable bed that was the wrong height. We discovered the legs screw on and that we actually got one set of medium legs and one set of short legs and the short and medium legs could screw together to make tall legs.

      Even if you only have one set of legs, if they screw on; you should be able to find screw on wooden legs at the home supply store. Just cut them down to the height your mom needs (Home Depot will usually cut a few things.) and add a little felt.

      1. Anono-me*

        Use a car jack to raise up the bed enough to switch out the screw on legs.

        Much easier than taking apart or assembling a bed. Especially one with an adjustable motor.

  35. twocents*

    Any tech experts? I really want to replace my laptop; my laptop is 6 years old and sloooooooow af. It has always been slow but 6 years ago, I didn’t mind so much. I think my exact words to the sales guy are “I want to be able to use Word and skim the internet.”

    Now it’s my method of streaming entertainment and I play roll20 two nights a week, and it just can’t keep up. It’s one thing to be annoying to me but holding up 6 other people sucks.

    What should I look for in a new laptop?

    1. GoryDetails*

      I’ve been happy with my Chromebook – it’s inexpensive and yet quite quick. I use it for lots of web-browsing and video-streaming and, this last year, Zoom gatherings with the family and friends I can’t visit in person. I believe there’s an option for Word that’s Chromebook compatible, though I haven’t looked into that.

    2. Sparkly Librarian*

      I don’t know what’s required for roll20, or if you’d consider Google Docs instead of Word, but the other requirements sound like mine, and I have been happy for about a decade with a succession of Chromebooks. Got me through grad school and all of my home personal use. It’s a $300 investment, not a $900 one; they’re light and portable; they do everything I want them to do up until this year when a lot of Zoom/video meetings mean I’m a little laggy. In an ideal world I’d have something heavier-duty for working from home. But that could just be that my current model is aging — all the students in our district use Chromebooks for their distance schooling, and I don’t see the same issues from their side when I’m in a virtual classroom of them. No issues with streaming Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, etc.

    3. Goddess47*

      Try a refurbished option. Woot.com has that (it’s an Amazon subsidiary) and I’ve bought all my laptops from them. I did get a dud recently and had no problems shipping it back and getting my money refunded.

      That said, get as much memory and disk space as you can afford. Anything else is a bonus but don’t fret about it. Worry about screen size… decide if you want a larger or smaller screen… if you use it on a desk/table you can get a 17″ screen (so you can see things!) but you may want smaller if it’s on your lap.

      Once you get whatever you buy, get some help removing all the junk. Try using free ‘office’ software like from Libreoffice.org — That software is compatible with Word and once you’ve used it, you’ll never go back. And, did I say free? ::grin::

      A Chromebook is cool but only if you know what you’re doing or you have help. I’m the tech person and I got the hubby a Chromebook as an interim-laptop. It was an inexpensive present. He’s okay with it and makes himself use it, but he gets frustrated that ‘it’s not a laptop’ — which I keep reminding him. He’s mostly figured out what he wants to do but it’s been an adjustment.

      Good luck!

      1. AcademiaNut*

        One note on LibreOffice – the default font in Windows is now Calibre, a proprietary font. You can read Office files with LibreOffice, but it will substitute a similar font. This is a problem when you’re collaborating on documents with others – the formatting can change when you save it.

        I have Office on my laptop solely because I need to work collaboratively on documents in Excel and Word.

      2. Usually a lurker*

        Seconding getting a refurbished one. The computer repair guys my family goes to do their own refurbishing and sell the computers. Every computer we’ve gotten in years has been refurbished and they’re always excellent.

  36. Helen knows the owner*

    Router/Modem advice for small apartment

    I’m setting up new internet service and am ready to ditch my rented Modem/Router at $15/month and buy one to save money. Am looking online and wow some of these are pricey! I live in a 650 sq ft apartment alone. I use internet to stream movies/TV and work on my laptop sending emails/Zoom(no gaming, etc). I want a solid one but also don’t need a super strength one with bells and whistles. Do i go for a combo or separate one? Anyone made this purchase recently and have advice? FWIW I am using this for Xfinity service now but will be using it for Spectrum when I move next year.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Spectrum gave me a modem at no charge. I think I have to purchase a router if I want wireless. Since Spectrum changes up what its doing on a fairly regular basis I would wait until closer to the move to see what to get.

    2. Pocket Mouse*

      Honestly, check Craigslist or similar sites/pages. These are among the category of items that people tend to try to sell but can’t ask too much money for, and they work just fine used. (I’m about to toss a perfectly fine router that I bought from someone for $5 and couldn’t give away after buying a combo a couple years later.) Just look up specs and reviews before buying so you know you’re getting something relatively up to date.

      1. MissCoco*

        Seconding this.
        Also CNET is a great website for non-tech me to figure out what to buy.

    3. Dan*

      My Comcast-supplied combo unit sucked, it kept booting my work computer off. I ended up buying a combo unit from Best Buy, made by Motorola.

      Combo units are fine for an apartment, mine cost like $200.

    4. Rick Tq*

      Be sure to check Spectrum’s requirements before you buy a modem, especially if you want to get faster speeds or get phone service thru them as well as internet. I like the split devices, the modem just is a modem and the router takes care of wireless connections and security. I can swap out my router for newer tech without any problem, and wifi technology is always advancing.

      Don’t simply plug your computer into the modem to save a bit of money, you will be exposed to all the scanning tools that actively look for unprotected systems to attack

    5. NoLongerYoung*

      I bought my modem off of Amazon, on sale for $40. I have a separate router. I looked up the specs on (for me, comcast) and the approved list, and then went to amazon and found one that matched and cross checked again. Now, the one time when I called to complain about a problem, they tried to tell me it was my equipment… but it turns out it was their (old in my place) wiring into the house.
      I only have 100 in and it handles it fine.
      The separate router – that’s just how comcast did it when I first got it, so bought a very good Asus one. When it goes, because I’m not in a small space, I will probably get a mesh system (I also cover the loft in the barn out back where we have the gym).
      Echo – check the used ones. Some folks have upgraded to the mesh systems already, and if mine (3 year old router and basic modem) can handle the video-conferencing load I put on it – and cover hundreds of yards – then a good used one may well work for you.

  37. Qwerty*

    What is a relatively small / inexpensive change you made to be more environmentally friendly that has yielded unexpectedly positive results?

    I got a stack of microfiber cloths for cleaning to reduce my paper towel usage and have been surprised by how happy they make me. Cleaning has gotten so much easier and more fun! Plus everything looks so much cleaner than normal! My shower doors don’t have streaks anymore and I have cloths stashed around my apartment so I can keep the dust at bay. Usually switching to environmentally friendly stuff feels like a downgrade or has an adjustment period, so I’m loving how positive this experience is and hoping to keep the trend going. What has worked out well for you or brought you joy?

    1. Sleepy*

      Putting our compost in biodegradable bags rather than a bin…so much easier to clean and we’re more eager to compost because of it.

      1. nep*

        +1
        Someone gave me a Keurig for Christmas. I’ve yet to use it and I really don’t know whether I ever will. I associate the thing with huge waste, for all the K-cups that have gone to landfills…
        I’d never use it without getting the reusable cup first.

        1. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

          Get a package of three (or more if there are other people in your household who drink coffee.) That way you will have a clean one ready to go in the morning.

          Story unrelated to my suggestion above. My very judgmental sister was visiting a few years back. She saw my Keurig on the counter and said “I could never use one of those, they are so bad for the environment.” I looked at her, pulled out my re -usable cup and coffee can. She then had to come up with a different reason why a Keurig wouldn’t work for her. She is exhausting. How I make my coffee is not a competition.

          1. Old and Don’t Care*

            I am unabashed and unashamed about loving my Keurig. And I use the standard K-Cups. I bought it when I drank coffee at the office and only made a cup or two at home on the weekend and it was perfect for that. Now that I work from home I more often make pour over, but honestly the Keurig makes better coffee. I never made good coffee in my little drip coffee maker. This is my failing, I’m sure, but it is what it is.

            We all have our things that are more and less environmentally friendly. A friend of mine who is appalled by paper towels let alone K-Cups lives on beef and almonds. I don’t. We could all drive each other crazy debating these things, or choose not to, as you have.

        2. Clisby*

          The reusable cups work fine. That said, I almost never use my Keurig because I have found no way to get a decently strong cup of coffee from it. I even bought the Cafe Bustelo espresso blend – and it’s just meh. (Cafe Bustelo instant is fine, because you can add more, but a K-cup full of CB is just not doing it.)

    3. Helvetica*

      I bought a reusable/washable dish cloth two years ago and it’s been great. I’ve tried them before but they always tended to leave the work surface too wet and this is the first one which actually cleans up liquid, and spots, and the surface itself dries out fast. I just pop it in the washing at high temp and it’s as good as new.

    4. No more kleenix*

      Hankies. I used to use a lot of kleenix. I recently bought a little bit of batik fabric (because it’s dyed all the way through & there is no “wrong side of the fabric), cut into squares, zig-zagged the edges & use them as hankies instead of single use tissues. Added benefit: I no longer accidentally leave one in a pocket & no longer have bits of tissues in my wash.

        1. slmrlln*

          I’m always sniffly (when the weather shifts, when I’m cold and eat hot food or hot and eat cold food, etc.) and my husband bought me a set of hankies. I love them and ended up buying more so that I could rotate them through the laundry and always have a couple of clean ones.

      2. Pocket Mouse*

        I was going to suggest hankies too. Flannel is GREAT for this purpose- thick, soft, and an easy way to give beloved pajama pants a second life.

        1. willow for now*

          This is a great idea! I bought a bunch of jammie pants at once years ago, and they are all giving up the ghost now at the same time, but just in the waistbands and crotches. I should be able to salvage the fabric from the legs!

    5. OyHiOh*

      I needed various hygiene/beauty products this week and discovered that Dove is selling a reusable/refillable deodorant package. Bought the container and enough refills to last a year or so, just in case my preferred store stops carrying the product and I have trouble finding it elsewhere. Also changed from tampons to a cup a couple months ago.

      I’ve always hated how much waste personal/beauty routines generate so it just feels good and I’m on a quest to see how many other products I can replace plastic with glass or metal

    6. MissCoco*

      I am loving Swedish dishcloths. We got a pack of 3 for Christmas and I’ve only used paper towels a couple times since. They wash surprisingly well, and have fun patterns that make me smile

    7. Overeducated*

      A few years ago I started bike commuting for exercise and to avoid getting a second car. I really loved it. Unfortunately I was priced out of staying so close to work but I will miss it a lot.

      I’m working on the cloths! I now have 8 cloth napkins and one cut up pair of completely worn out flannel pajama pants for cleaning. We haven’t completely stopped using paper towels, but at least have been able to reduce a bit. With messy little kids I’ve always felt guilty about going through so many.

    8. SpellingBee*

      Microfiber cloths are amazing! In addition to reducing waste, I like that they clean really well without using any products, just the cloth dampened with water. My favorite most recently-discovered trick is to use one to clean my iPad – dampen a corner of the cloth and wipe the screen, then polish with the dry part of the cloth or a dry tissue. It takes the fingerprints off and leaves the screen clear and gleaming. Mr. Bee buys bales of them at Harbor Freight to use in his workshop, so we have stacks of them in every bathroom and in the kitchen, ready to hand.

      1. Sylvan*

        I also picked up some linen produce bags to substitute for plastic produce bags a few years ago. I’ve used them for everything from peppers to almond flour. You can use them for storing produce, too, or you can machine wash them and bring them on the next grocery trip.

    10. Alex*

      Definitely my menstrual cup. It is so much more reliable than tampons, I don’t have to carry anything around if I go out for the day, and I never have to worry about running out.

      Composting has also been great. I signed up for the service, and even though I pay 10 dollars a month for it, the convenience is wonderful. The service comes with an animal-resistant canister to keep outside, and so I just put all my food garbage in a small pail lined with a compost bag, and take it out every couple of days. My regular garbage no longer gets stinky. Before, my trash would start smelling before it was really filled up and I wasted garbage bags taking it out, not to mention that my trash bins outside are not animal resistant and the animals would be attracted to it and make a mess. The composting service is so much more convenient.

      I also clean exclusively with washable rags (most of mine are old towels or T shirts) and find it way better than paper towels. I rarely use paper towels–sometimes for food prep or if I need to clean up something gross. That’s it.

      Also, reusable shopping bags! They are way more durable and can hold way more than the disposable ones at the grocery store.

        1. NeonFireworks*

          I came here to say this. I’ve had mine for 11 years – way less wasteful than ten million tampons, a heck of a lot cheaper, and it’s held up super well.

      2. Eff Walsingham*

        Composting all the way!

        We were a bit hesitant when our city / building introduced composting, although we’ve always been pretty green. But once we started we were absolutely amazed at how much the volume of our landfill garbage decreased… And as for the *smell*! I had no idea that it was mainly eggshells that were making our kitchen garbage so rank… it was almost as bad as old fish! We keep our mini compost bin in the fridge, and freeze anything major like the festive bird skeleton, until we take it downstairs, about once a week. No more bad smells. I’m sold.

    11. Pregnant during COVID*

      Trader Joe’s makes sponges from natural vegetable cellulose and they are so durable and long-lasting! Every time I wash the dishes I feel good about the switch.

    12. They Don’t Make Sunday*

      Laundry detergent strips. No plastic in the packaging. The ones from TruEarth are great and so compact, too.

      1. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

        Thanks for this – I want to try the strips but was afraid they wouldn’t work well. I did switch to Seventh Generation concentrate from Target. Just uses one squirt so using that over regular saves a lot of plastic but it would be great to go no plastic.

      2. acmx*

        I do. I don’t like the satiny kind. I have cotton, cotton/poly blend. Basically, if I like the pattern and the way it feels..

      4. willow for now*

        I got about 24 from Williams and Sonoma years ago, plain white cotton. They wear well, they wash well, and if they are stained beyond repair, they clean my house well.

      5. Dancing Otter*

        One yard of linen fabric will make 6 to 8 generously sized napkins. Stay away from artificial fibers that are slippery and non absorbent.

    14. Pocket Mouse*

      Thought of a really big one: eating less meat, and specifically less beef. (Search ‘greenhouse gas diet’ for some striking graphs.) Not going to go into the health benefits–and there are genuinely a few–but do want to point out that vegetarian options are also often less expensive, and pooping’s easier than on a meat-heavy diet.

      And yes, it is fairly easy to get enough proteins/amino acids/nutritional component of concern if you, y’know, spend a few minutes looking into which plant-based foods have it.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah. The beef is a big one. Although it also depends a lot on what the cattle is fed on. If it’s mostly grass/hay and silage, it’s a lot less harmful to the environment than if it’s largely soy that’s been grown on land that used to be a rainforest. I live in the north, and there are some areas where you can’t really grow much for human consumption but you can graze cattle.

      2. Been There*

        For me it was switching from cow milk to oat/soy milk. I heard a lecture last year about the impact of cows on the environment and the little changes we can make to improve on that.

    15. Wm*

      Period underwear!!
      Btw there is an entire subreddit dedicated to the topic if anybody want to read reviews. I’m loving them

    16. Jack Russell Terrier*

      I don’t actually have paper towel in the home and I think we’ve been sold a pup from marketing – it’s more hygienic. I know that my tea towels and cloth have been through the washing machine. Also, as you say – paper towel is often not the right tool, especially when I see people dry counters with paper towel, but not clean them … .

    17. zaracat*

      Switched to using washable cloths instead of toilet paper (just for urine). About 4″ square, cut from an old white bath towel and overlocked on the edges. I wash them with added nappy sanitiser and dry in the sun. I actually like it better, and I was able to sit back smugly as everyone else fought over and hoarded toilet paper at the start of the covid lock down in my city last year (Australia). I don’t have to worry about other people disliking the idea as I live alone.

    18. Aphrodite*

      I bought two stacks of thin white cotton washcloths at Bed/Bath/Beyond, each stack having, I think, about 15 and costing around $7. I use these in the bathrooms for drying my hands after washing them. They are a one-use only and then I drop them in a wastebasket designated for them. They are in both the master and guest bathrooms and all my guests know or are told about them. It makes everyone happy because the towels are not touched, paper towels are not wasted, and once a week I wash the whole load of them.

    19. JelloStapler*

      I stopped buying body wash (and the associated loofah) and went back to bar soap. Cuts down on a lot of waste and I’ve still had fun funding great body bar scents. I also only wash clothes in cold water (unless I feel it needs something stronger).

      1. OyHiOh*

        I switched back to bar soap in the last year for similar reasons. I love the texture of body wash, but just couldn’t justify the waste any more. It helps that my favorite scent is very in and hip right now. Easy to find and in very luxe formulations

      2. allathian*

        I still use liquid hand soap, but we get it in refillable bottles. Given how often and how thoroughly I’m washing my hands these days, I need a good, gentle soap that my hands can tolerate. Sure, I’ll still use hand cream, but I’m happy if I can do it 10 times a day instead of the 20 I’d need with any other soap.

    20. ThatGirl*

      I bought dryer balls last year to replace the endless sheets, and while I don’t think they’ve really reduced dry time, they do work well. I don’t like my clothes to be strongly scented anyway but you can add drops of essential oils if that’s important to you.

    21. Pocket Mouse*

      Another is buying some items used/refurbished. Almost all of my favorite mugs have been bought at Goodwill, I buy refurbished phones/computers, board games and puzzles are perfectly fine secondhand as long as all the pieces are there, and lots of secondhand household furniture items are better than new ones for a given cost range.

      It’s cheaper, fewer resources used/longer life before being trashed, and it’s such a joy to find something you love for less money used than a more expensive new item you’re just satisfied with.

      1. Eff Walsingham*

        Ooh, yes! I didn’t even think of secondhand shopping in this context because I’ve done it all my ‘shopping life’ and I do it for pleasure. I just love thrift shops and (unfortunately named) flea markets! My spouse doesn’t want any secondhand furniture because he worries about bed bugs; but, given the age and comparatively solid craftsmanship of the old furniture we already own, it’s entirely possible that we’ll never need to buy any more again! Good quality older pieces can often be reupholstered if they show wear and / or you tire of looking at them, and we have two sets of slipcovers for the sofa to prolong its useful life (we have pets). We take the covers up to the laundromat periodically to wash in the extra-large machine (after a thorough vacuuming of course!) For sure our inexpensive sofa would be in the landfill by now if it didn’t have the washable and interchangeable covers. Even without small children, sofas seem to attract household accidents!

      2. SarahKay*

        Yes, definitely this. I keep an Amazon wishlist for anyone that wants birthday/Christmas present ideas and this year I added at the top “Any (non-food) items would be great second-hand rather than new”. When buying Christmas presents I also bought books and DVDs second-hand, provided they were in good condition.

    23. Voluptuousfire*

      Second microfiber cloths! I just bought a second batch that I need to wash.

      I also like them as dish towels. They’re great for drying dishes.

  38. Teapot Translator*

    Exercise thread!
    What have you been doing? What are you looking forward to doing? Questions or advice to share?

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I think I need to slow down on the exercise. I did 9 hours of exercise this week (a mix of strength training, yoga and zumba). When I get into something, I tend to want to do it all, and I’m afraid of hurting myself and being unable to exercise. So, I’ll try to go back to one hour of exercise max. Once spring is here, I want to take up hiking again, so I’m going to take an appointment with a foot-specialist. I figure it can help for the exercise in the house and outside.
      On a positive note, this morning, I was tired, so I decided to skip the zumba class. I think tomorrow will be nice, so I’ll try to go hiking (5-7 km at a slow pace).

      1. Qwerty*

        I also tend to go all-in on things and end up hurting myself. What I’ve started doing is looking up common injuries for exercise-style of the moment and what the PT exercises are for that. Then just doing those PT moves on off-days as a preventative. It has dramatically cut back on my injuries and ability to over-due it

    2. violet04*

      Previously, I had been doing exercise videos from Fitness Blender 3-4 times a week, but I got off track in February. I hurt my elbow and decided to take off a few days, which turned into a couple of weeks.

      Then I decided to try yoga since my elbow was still bothering me, but I just couldn’t get into it. I find I prefer doing cardio or strength workouts. I was able to exercise four days this past week. Some of them were just short 10 minute workouts, but I’m glad to be easing back into a routine.

    3. Helvetica*

      I’ve been doing 20 minutes of pilates or yoga every day, and it feels great. The only problem I have is finding good videos on Youtube – I have a couple I like but sometimes I need some variety. What bothers me, is when they rely a lot on tabletop position because my wrists can’t stand too much and lengthy pressure on them. Any ideas on whether it’s okay to either make fists and support myself on them, which is easier on the wrists, or if there is any other way I can compensate? I would like to do planks etc, but if they are preceded by a lot of wrist-heavy exercises, I just cannot hold them.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I think my favourite yoga teacher said you can do tabletop position on fists? I would try and see how it goes.
        I hate planks. I just can’t. I’m too heavy for my arms.

      2. Formerly in HR*

        Use fists, or even use some u-shaped bars (I got some from dollar store, forgot what is said on box) to support your hands on (so the hand can go around the bar rather than stay splayed, which probably annoys the carpal tunnel). Or do planks on your elbows, my Pilates instructor gave this accommodation as well.

      3. Schmitt*

        I’ve been using the Down Dog yoga app and I’m super happy with it. Lots of customization options, lots of variety. Tips on how to make poses easier (for tabletop they say to lean on your lower arms if you need a break).

    4. nep*

      I’m reminded time and again that it takes time to get back to the level of strength I was a while back. For various reasons (including temporary joint issues), I got away from my heavier kettlebell work. More and more I’m seeing the importance of taking it slowly and working back up, especially building core strength.
      I have learned to be content with doing similar moves but with much lighter weight. I didn’t get there in one step the first time; I won’t this time. Patience, consistency.
      (Anytime I’ve ever strained something during a workout, it was because I didn’t warm up for long enough or I got impatient and tried to go too heavy too soon.)

    5. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Just finished week 3 of a 6-week program through Nike Training Club. Every week is three workouts: upper body, lower body/core, cardio with some strength. I haaaate the cardio workouts. I hate mountain climbers and burpees (I have a really long torso and I can’t make my knees meet my chest for anything), my sports bras aren’t supportive enough for sprinting in place, and I live in an apartment so I feel bad about jumping. (I did this week’s cardio in my partner’s office/gym– he has horse stall mats on the floor.) I realize this is very whiny, but man, I would rather do wide squats with toe raises for 45 minutes than this measly 28 minutes of cardio.

      I am definitely stronger. My booty looks and feels great. My hamstrings are muscley. But I’m still fat and I still hate cardio. Blerg. Commiserate with me!

    6. Kt*

      Sort of surprised, but I signed up for the six week challenge on an app called Sweat back in January and.. I really like it! It’s very hot pink and lots of rippling abs; the branding is not for me. But I’d checked out the workouts beforehand and if you pick the right program they are very sensible. I picked a program called Fierce too get back into shape as I was quite out of shape, and that’s a lot of circuits with weights, but once I’m done with that there are several weight training options that I’m looking at, so I feel like I can do this for some months without getting bored or stuck. Also, there are yoga and foam rolling and pilates workouts that I can just drop in now and then. Most of the programs encourage about three hard/intense workouts a week, then two low intensity, then several recovery (stretching, foam rolling, etc). I count walking. From what I know of exercise science it’s pretty decently constructed and I’ve really experienced good results in increased exercise capacity and strength as well as body recomposition. So, hot pink branding side, I like it.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I finished my Ring of Kerry challenge this week – 124 miles (mostly walking/jogging, with probably about 10 miles of rowing/biking) between Feb 5 and Mar 3. The medal is en route :) Next is a New Zealand one, a trail from the mountains to the ocean across the southern island, 180 miles. My work is doing an optional step challenge in March, where everyone who signed up picked for one of five charities and each will get a donation at the end, $5k for the charity who’s team did the most steps, $4k for the next and so on, and I signed up for that, so I’m still banging out the step counts. When it’s above freezing outside, I do outside walkies 3-4x a day, which is just under a mile each time.

  39. Teapot Translator*

    What’s cooking? thread!
    I love reading about what you’re cooking (we have some real chefs here)!

    1. Amber Rose*

      I’m not a real chef but tomorrow will mark attempt number three at homemade mac and cheese. The taste is great but I’m having a heck of a time getting the texture. The sauce won’t thicken properly. :[

      I also successfully made flan even though it looked hard and was sorta finicky. I’m proud of that!

      1. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

        My Mac n cheese recipe

        1/4 cup butter
        1/4 cup flour
        1/2 lb of pasta
        2 cups milk
        2 cups shredded cheese (suggest a mix of sharp cheddar and Swiss)
        Black pepper to taste
        Breadcrumbs

        Cook pasta and drain

        Melt butter in med to large pan on medium heat
        Add flour and mix. Cook for 2 minutes
        Whisk in milk slowly and cook until it is hot but not boiling
        Add pepper
        Slowly whisk in the cheese until melted
        Mix in the pasta
        Transfer to a greased baking dish
        Sprinkle breadcrumbs over
        Bake at 350 until bubbly and slightly browned: 20 to 30 minutes

      2. not that Leia*

        Serious eats has a genius recipe for Mac n cheese using evaporated milk. Super easy and the consistency is perfect. (There’s a scientific explanation for how it works that I do not remember at the moment…something to do with fat & starch…)

    2. Decidedly Me*

      I made Braised Ginger Meatballs in Coconut Broth from Smitten Kitchen this week. It was fantastic and I’ll definitely do it again.

      Also did a southwest chicken baked – essentially beans, corn, chiles, bell pepper, and some some dumped onto chicken with some cheese and thrown into the oven.

    3. GoryDetails*

      I’m still enjoying my Hello Fresh subscription (three meals a week, leaving room for me to make other things as well). Had the Banh Mi Meatball Bowl day before yesterday – pickled carrots-and-cucumbers, sriracha mayo, ginger rice, and beef meatballs with garlic and ginger, with some ponzu and a sweet soy glaze. Nice balance of veggies and meat, and the sauce was really tasty. [I liked this one so much that I plan to try and make it on my own; getting the sweet soy sauce right will probably be the key.]

      Last night I made artichokes – I adore them, and often indulge in two artichokes, steamed with a bay leaf in the water, and lashings of melted butter for dipping. This time I made them in my Instant Pot, which was a success; even allowing for the heat-up time it took about half the usual steaming time, and they were delicious. [I splurged on a higher butterfat butter specifically for the purpose, and was up to the wrists in it by the time I finished the last bite of artichoke heart.]

    4. Mary Berry*

      Yesterday was my partner’s birthday, so I made NY strip steak with mushrooms and garlic in red wine and sticky toffee pudding cake for dessert.

      This week I’m going to make frosted Guinness brownies, which I’m excited to try! I’ve made chocolate cake with Guinness before and it gave it a great caramel coffee flavor.

      1. Pippa K*

        Mmm, sticky toffee pudding! I also love a chocolate Guinness cake. Nigella’s recipe is the only chocolate cake I bother with anymore.

        We made a delicious cod stew with fennel and orange, using fish my dad caught. It’s earned a place in our regular repertoire.

    5. Helvetica*

      I made this amazing chorizo corn ragou from Bon Appétit that was almost too good to be true. You can find the recipe if searching “Pan-Seared Scallops with Chorizo and Corn” – I omitted the scallops because I couldn’t be bothered but the ragou underneath, with naan, was delectable.

    6. Ali G*

      Tonight I’m sous vide-ing some filet mignon which I will reverse sear. Sides are blue cheese potatoes and a mushroom and caramelized onion sauce. I’ll prob make some garlic bread.

    7. Potatoes gonna potate*

      last week I posted about making a tres leche cake. That was a comedy of disasters. I baked in my tabletop oven and was not expecting the cake to bake so quickly. The pan was only half full of the batter, but it rose so quickly that the tops were burnt. Once hte cake cooled down I cut so much of it off that it was really the size of my palm lol.

      Now I still have the canned strawberry filling and milk mixture which I havent yet had a chance to make anything out of.

      So I took a break this week from cooking. Ate out mostly, paninis, burgers.

      This coming week I’ll be making a lebanese chicken & potato dish, steak, and that feta-tomato pasta again, ti was just so great the first time around.

    8. ThePear8*

      Recently cooked a nice dinner for my sister’s friend who’s moving away. I made a beef and orzo casserole from a recipe in a cookbook I bought in Greece and tried a new cake recipe for a chocolate almond and apricot cake. It turned out pretty good!

    9. GoryDetails*

      I went simple for lunch today: two perfectly ripe avocados, with a sprinkling of kosher salt. Perfection!

    10. Bluebell*

      Tonight was previously frozen tofu sautéed with onion, garlic, chipotle, and zucchini, with flour tortillas and rice. It turned out pretty good!

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I have been talking about missing my trips to IKEA, so my husband made me a batch of Swedish meatballs from scratch.

    12. Chilipepper*

      I worked out my own vegan chow fun recipe and make it most Sundays.
      Later today I will be making a vegan Mousssaka that I am looking forward to!

  40. Sleepy*

    Anyone else have parents who retired during the pandemic? I’ve always really looked up to and admired my mom, but have been struggling with the relationship a bit more during the pandemic. She’s normally a social butterfly so the isolation of the pandemic has been hard on her and she’s been harder to deal with too. She wanted to retire, but I’m not sure it’s been good. I’ve noticed some stuff that just doesn’t seem like her…long, frequent rants about our relatives for one.

    She’s a person who would wake up at 3am to drive low-income students she worked with to the airport because they couldn’t afford an Uber. I’m not used to her spiraling over something so petty as the fact that her niece eats too much candy.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      This is what I was talking about up near the top here. She needs something to do, a purpose.
      Ask her what her plan is, how is she going to fill up her days. Tell her that her empty days are beginning to show through.
      Retirement is just one day. It’s the day you stop doing something that filled up most of your time and you go home. Now you need New Thing to fill up your time.

      1. Sleepy*

        Yes. She was working part time so I didn’t expect retirement would make such a difference. But between that and the pandemic, it has.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Depending on her disposable income, can you steer her toward some at-home, labor-intensive charity work? She sounds like a very caring person who wants to be helpful to others.

      I’ve been making sack lunches for people with food insecurity since early pandemic days. Making the lunches only takes one morning a week, but sourcing the supplies takes some time and planning as well. At one point I was delivering the lunches, which might be more than your mom wants to undertake, but I’ve also had situations where a different volunteer would pick them up from me.

      I’ve also been doing yarn craftwork and giving the projects to friends. But I think there are charities that coordinate, for example, knit caps for newborns, etc. I have a friend who is usually knitting for a charity project but I can’t remember the specifics.

      1. Sleepy*

        That’s great! I haven’t pushed her to volunteer (something she is pretty passionate about normally) bc of the pandemic. I didn’t think there would be much you could do from home. I think something like this that even gave a little bit of structure would be helpful.

        1. ronda*

          for volunteering I am working for tax aide preparing returns for people. this training in Nov – Jan and preparing returns Feb to April 15.
          This is being done mostly virtual. (short appointments to scan peoples documents that don’t have that capability and then print for them when final).

          Many volunteer orgs are trying to come up with virtual ways to help, so causes she is interested in might also have those options now.

          But if she really misses having a part-time job….. she can have a job. Do what makes you happy and fulfilled!

        2. Owler*

          There’s a website called Be My Eyes (dot com) that she might enjoy. She can be paired up with a reading request from someone with low or no vision.

  41. Fellow Traveller*

    Fun/ nostalgic question… What was the first movie you ever saw in a theatre?
    Mine was An American Tail – my father took my brother and I to see it over Christmas break the year it came out. I can’t remember how old I was… maybe eight or nine? (I’m sure I could google this….) I remember loving all the musical number. For a while afterwards, my brother and I would impulsively burst out singing “There are no cats in America!”
    Bonus: the first movies we ever watched after buying a VCR were Goonies and Better Off Dead. My uncle was visiting from out of town and helped us hook it up and then took us to Canadian Tire where he picked out those two movies from their rental selection. Now that I think back on it – it was so strange that Canadian Tire was the movie rental place!
    What are yours?

      1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

        The first one that I remember is Snow White – when it was released in the ’70’s. :-D

    2. Amber Rose*

      Jurassic Park.

      I was five years old and spent half of it hiding in the bathroom. Which hurt my pride so I insisted we go back so I could see the whole thing and made it that time with minimal hiding under a blanket I brought.

      It was such an establishing moment for my whole personality.

    3. GoryDetails*

      I can’t be sure, but I think it may have been Pinocchio. (If it wasn’t that it was almost certainly another Disney.) This would have been in the mid-to-late 1950s, btw. I remember having dreams about deep oceans and being swallowed by whales from a very early age, and it wasn’t until I saw the movie again when it aired on TV that I recognized some of the scenes, hence deducing (or at least guessing) that I’d seen it as a young child. (My folks confirmed that they had taken us to see it, but I don’t think I ever told them about the dreams…)

      Movie-going was a very different thing back then, with very few films turning up on television (which only had three channels anyway) and with no videotape or other home-viewing media; if you didn’t get to see a film when it was in town you might have to wait for years for another chance. Weird to think of that now as I channel-surf through an insane category of movies on cable!

      1. GoryDetails*

        Updated to add that since Pinocchio came out in the 1940s, the version I saw was a “re-run” anyway – possibly at a drive-in, a good movie-option for parents of young kids, as they could be allowed to run and play or fall asleep in the car if the movie wasn’t riveting enough.

    5. Disco Janet*

      I’m told it was Beauty and the Beast, but my early childhood memories are pretty spotty. First movie I actually remember seeing in theaters was Pocahontas.

    6. Helvetica*

      What I can remember bits of, is “Lion King”, especially Mufasa dying, though according to my mom the first one was actually “Thumbelina” but I don’t remember that all. But what left an indelible impression on me a couple of years later was “The Prince of Egypt”. I still think it is one of if not the greatest animated movie.

    7. Yellow Warbler*

      The Land Before Time.

      Then I researched the movie years later out of nostalgia, found out what happened to the girl who voiced Ducky, and haven’t been able to rewatch it since. (Seriously, don’t look.)

    8. Felicia*

      Lion King though I don’t remember it. The first one I remember seeing in theaters was Hercules

      1. Laura H.*

        I don’t think it was the first, but I do remember my Hercules theater experience because my mother was the only one in the audience to get and laugh at the “Somebody call IXII” line.

    9. Filosofickle*

      My parents took me to see the original Star Wars when I was 4. It was terrifying! Spent the entire movie with my face shoved in my mom’s shoulder. Darth Vader became my childhood Boogie Man / Monster Under My Bed. What were they thinking?!

    10. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      The first two that I remember were Star Wars IV and a (I think the last) theatrical re-release of Song of the South, in the early 80s. I was very young for both of them.

    11. OyHiOh*

      Wizard of Oz, on a re-release/promo weekend when a movie theater chain opened in my hometown. I would have been somewhere between seven and ten, I think.

    12. Emily*

      I think it must have been Hook. My mother whispered the subtitles to me which must have been annoying for others. When the daughter sang about missing her mother I started crying and people started laughing so I hope that made up for it :)

    13. Buni*

      Either Return of the Jedi or the about-the-same-time re-release of the Jungle Book – I remember queuing outside the cinema both times.

    14. Squeebird*

      I’m not sure if it’s the first one I saw, but the first movie I remember seeing in a movie theatre was Titanic. My little brother and I developed a major obsession with shipwrecks for at least a year afterward (of course we couldn’t care less about the whole romance plot, we were just excited to see the ship sink…!)

    15. Generic Name*

      I think ET was the first movie I saw in the theater. I was 3 and we had to leave the theater early because the part where ET get sick and the government men showed up was actually kind of traumatizing.

      2. Person from the Resume*

        I don’t know but I remember my parents took me and one brother to see ET and left my youngest brother at home. Then we went back and saw it a second time with my youngest brother because it wasn’t too scary for him and so good.

      3. Fellow Traveller*

        ET was absolutely horrifying to me too when I was little! I still to this day haven’t re-watched it because I also found the whole government men part really upsetting.

    16. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      The first Superman. I can CLEARLY remember going with my aunt to see it in the theatre, and then a local pizza place for lunch after. I was maybe 4. I can still remember the wallpaper in the bathroom of the restaurant, even though its been closed since about 1987.

      I remember being left at home under the care of a babysitter when my parents went out for a date night to see the hot new movie Ghostbusters.

      My aunt and uncle were ahead of the times, so when we spent the summer with them in the early 80s the first night when we arrived they would usually show the MTV music videos they had taped. On the Betamax. Aunt also taped the Royal Wedding.

    17. Can't Sit Still*

      Airplane! I remember I wore a yellow gingham sundress and we went to the bookstore afterwards. I have no idea why my parents thought Airplane! was an appropriate movie for a 6 year old.

    18. BunnyWatsonToo*

      My first movie in a theater was Mary Poppins, the original one. The first movie I taped on a VCR was Mary Poppins. It was also the first movie I replaced on DVD. Nice symmetry, if nothing else.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        My mother used to tell me that her first date took her to see Sleeping Beauty, but I recently realized the release date for Snow White is the right time frame. Mom and Dad loved movies, so I don’t remember the first I would have seen. I was told that I was terrified by Fantasia’s Night on Bald Mountain sequence and that was re-released when I was 3.

    20. Old and Don’t Care*

      This is not technically true, because I’m sure I saw Disney movies and Star Wars, but for the entertainment of the younger folks…

      One of the first movies I have a vivid memory of seeing in a theater is Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s club band, starring Peter Frampton as Billy Shears, the Bee Gees as the Lonely Hearts Club Band, and Steve Martin as Dr. Maxwell Edison. Wikipedia revealed that I have little memory of the plot, but I do recall it was colorful and I liked The Bee Gees.

    21. Chaordic One*

      The first movie I have a memory of going to in a theater was an already old version of “Tom Sawyer.” (I think it was the 1938 version, but I’m not positive) Apparently it is considered a movie classic, but at the time I was unimpressed and didn’t see what the big deal was, although it was kind of scarey. I do appreciate the movie and Mark Twain more, now that I’m older and can get the humor that escaped my childhood self. I also have an understanding of the context of Mark Twain’s life and the times in lived in. (He did have some ideas that were acceptable then, but that would be considered racist now.) OTOH, it was shown a wonderful old art deco theater in my home town. It is considered an architectural masterpiece and is listed in the national register of historic places and it just makes me feel good to know that it is still there.

    22. Daydreamer*

      Bambi, in the 70s. I was terribly heartbroken about Bambi’s mama; I was maybe 4 and I remember crying inconsolably. Not too long after, my parents gave me a gray bunny fugurine and I called him Thumper.

    23. Imtheone*

      Mary Poppins – and I was very little, about 3. About a year and a half later, I saw the Sound of Music.

    25. allathian*

      My dad took me to see reruns of old Tom & Jerry cartoons when I was about 5. But the first feature-lenth movie I ever saw in theater was ET. I was 10 at the time and a friend’s parents took us. My parents were never big moviegoers, so it was a completely new experience for me. I slept in the top bunk of a bunk bed at the time, and I had nightmares for two weeks of ET extending his neck and looking at me while I was sleeping. I led a very sheltered childhood, largely because we didn’t have a TV until I was 15. This was because my parents thought that there was nothing but trash on. So I only got to watch TV with friends in their homes or with both sets of grandparents.

      1. ShinyPenny*

        Same! In 5th and 6th grade, I never knew what kids were talking about at lunch, because it was always The Six Million Dollar Man. No TV, no clue.

    27. Chilipepper*

      Apparently I was taken to see Bambi in the theater when it came out (seriously dating myself) and I was completely traumatized. I cannot remember other “first” movies but we went a lot in high school.

    28. lemon meringue*

      Mine was one of the many re-releases of Snow White. I think I was about three and it freaked me out so much that I didn’t make it very far into the movie before we had to leave.

    29. RagingADHD*

      Either a re-release of Bambi (I was young enough that his mom dying was traumatic), or else the original release of Star Wars: A New Hope.

    30. Esmeralda*

      Bambi. My grandmother took me on the bus (! That was new and exciting). I was four. Then we went home and my grandfather got a pizza, which I had never eaten or even heard of before. Must have been a re-release, it was 1964.

    31. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      I remember seeing Roman Holiday and Stalag 17, both released in 1953 when I was 3. Not that I remembered much detail from that age, but I know I liked the character of Animal in Stalag 17 because he was (mostly) funny.

    32. SarahKay*

      The animated version of Lord of the Rings. It didn’t cover the whole trilogy; mostly The Fellowship of the Ring and a little bit of The Two Towers. I’d have been seven or eight, and my sister a year and a half younger, and we were both absolutely terrified by the nazgul, especially once they were flying instead of riding.
      We lived out in the countryside and by the time we got home from the cinema it was dark. Both my sister and I flatly refused to leave the car and in the end Dad had to carry us both into the house.

    33. Emily*

      I have a vague memory of seeing The Lion King in a theater (I would have been 3 when it came out), although it’s hard to know for sure without asking my parents.

  42. Amber Rose*

    Am I fooling myself to think it’ll be OK to see a concert in Vegas in October?

    For the last couple weeks I’ve become obsessed with the band Sabaton and they’ve got a lot of tour dates this year. We’re supposed to be vaccinated by end of June or so. And since its been a couple years since we could do anything I’m itching a bit for an adventure. Thoughts? I’m really darn tempted to just book it. I need literally anything to look forward to, the crush of depression is starting to get to be too much.

    Also thoughts on getting a song out of your head? People are gonna think I’m more off than I am if I keep randomly mumbling lyrics about the Swiss Guard but its really stuck in my brain.

    1. Analyst Editor*

      Book it wear a mask and go. Life must go on.
      Also Sabaton is great.if they’re touring I’ll have to check then out in my area.

    2. ....*

      No it’s not crazy at all. If you can’t go to a concert months after you’re vaccinated and 6 months into our massive vaccination program where they say every can get a shot by June, when could you go? Go for it!!

    3. Qwerty*

      Can you plan on quarantining for a week or two after the concert? That way if these variants are still a problem in October, you won’t risk passing it along to others if you are asymptomatic. The vaccine protects you from a bad outcome from covid, but you can still get it and possibly pass it along to others, so this way you get to be safe and keep others around you safe. Plus we’ll probably have a lot more research by then on how the vaccine affects transmission (seen a lot of mixed stuff) so that quarantine time will probably reduced to a few days.

      At some point we all break and do something outside the rules, so the next best thing is to control when that break happens and the aftermath. It gives you something to look forward to and hopefully we’ll be in a much better state in October.

    4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Here in the UK the big summer festivals are, or are almost, sold out if they take place in late July/August. I think live events will be on the table most anywhere, with specifications (e.g. vaccine proof, mask, etc). Book it, make your reservations refundable, and go. Vegas will certainly be looking to get back in the swing of things by then as well – may be some good deals to be had.

    5. acmx*

      I’d go.

      Any songs of theirs you’d recommend?

      I think you’ll probably have to stop listening to them for a bit and listen to other music to get the song outta your head.

      1. Amber Rose*

        The Last Stand is what’s stuck in my head. Its absurdly catchy. All about the Swiss Guard. It was 1527!

        I’m also a huge fan of Attack of the Dead Men about the gassing of Osoweic. Russians were hard-core. :0

      2. Dr.KMnO4*

        Not the OP, but someone who LOVES Sabaton. Highly recommend the following:
        40 to 1
        Uprising
        Inmate 4859
        Carolus Rex (either in English or Swedish)

    6. Nicki Name*

      I don’t think you’re fooling yourself. Odds are looking pretty good for the US to have herd immunity by the fall. Make space in your head for the possibility that unexpected events could change your plans (even non-pandemic-related events), but go ahead!

    7. Person from the Resume*

      No. I’m hoping the US achieves herd immunity by then. According to Biden we should all be vaccinated by May.

      I think the governors of MS and TX are morons for playing Darwin awards with their citizens, but I hope but also think because of the vaccines life should look pretty normal by the fall.

      1. Mstr*

        It’s mid-May that they’re saying there will be enough supplies to move forward/vaccinate everyone — but the process of distributing those doses will surely take longer … I wonder if there is an estimate for that? I know appointments are scarce in my area (because of high demand?) & seemingly may not be open to everyone by May. I’m hopeful, but I think it’s misleading to say everyone will be vaccinated (or have access) by spring. I just don’t think the Biden is talking about people being vaccinated but about the production level of supplies.

    8. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      In my area they are advertising that events will go ahead in July, so assuming that the vaccine rollout continues and has a decent positive effect then I would assume that it’s ok. If it cancelled or postponed then I’m sure you’ll get a refund or raincheck.

    9. ThePear8*

      Wait…Sabaton’s touring in the US? Now I’m tempted…
      I’m probably going to want to wait a bit longer and see how things look in the summer, but I have been really, really hoping to be able to see concerts and such later in the year…

      1. Amber Rose*

        They’ve got a couple US stops on their tour at least. They’re double billing with Judas Priest.

    10. Holly the spa pro*

      I think October is far enough away that yoir odds are good. Ive seen Sabaton 3 or 4 times and its always a fun time.

      We have Rammstein tickets for september so fingers crossed that things go well with the vaccines. I feel like an arena tour is really going to be pushing it but…Rammstein.

      1. Voluptuousfire*

        I know! I bought a pit ticket for Rammstein since it was my first time seeing them.

        That should be interesting, provided it will work out.

    11. Dr.KMnO4*

      I’ve seen them 6 times in concert. They are AMAZING live. You should absolutely buy the tickets.

    12. The Time Being*

      Hey, another Sabaton fan!

      Honestly, if you’re going to be fully vaccinated by June, I would think an October concert would be okay. I’ve got tickets to see Sabaton open for Judas Priest this fall, too.

      Also, to get a song out of your head, play it through til the end, and really lean on that end in your mind, then replace it with something else — either another, less earworm-y song, or something like a poem or a piece of text that isn’t music.

  43. PeanutButter*

    I’m so frustrated but also happy and eager and I’m sure it’s going to all work out but I’m just so impatient. After saying goodbye to my ride or die kitty in 2018 after 18.5 years, I’m finally settled and done grieving and ready to welcome another cat into my life. I’ve been talking to the foster mom of two bonded senior cats, one of whom has diabetes. But in the middle of our email conversation about what the medical needs of these guys are, her emails started bouncing back from her mailbox being full! I’m worried she’ll think I’m ghosting or something. I emailed the rescue organization to let them know what happened, but I haven’t heard anything. I looked her up on facebook, and found her profile but I don’t want to be a creeper and message her on there unless there’s no other option. Any suggestions on how to go forward? I’ve completely fallen for these two old guys, and want to give them wonderful golden years.

    1. Reba*

      Of course, your comfort may vary, but I think messaging on FB is not over the line here! Good luck.

      1. PeanutButter*

        Thanks – the lady’s profile seems fairly open (certainly much less private than mine) so I’m hoping she won’t be weirded out. I’m going to give her until Sunday. I keep telling myself it’s not as if the cats are going to be snapped up by someone else – one of them isn’t even listed on the rescue’s website because they’re still working on getting his diabetes under control. I’m just…super smitten! And it’s been so long since I’ve had a cat to care for, and I’m all alone in my new city where I moved during a pandemic and and and

        In other words, I KNOW I’m fretting over nothing and we’ll work it out.

    2. violet04*

      Is there a way to call anyone at the rescue org to explain the situation? I’ve done a little bit of fostering on my own and I wouldn’t mind if someone contacted me on Facebook about adopting a kitty. I don’t think it would be creepy since you’ve already communicated with her. Paws crossed that everything works out!

      1. PeanutButter*

        I think I’ll give her until Sunday to respond, then reach out on Facebook. Then if that doesn’t work I’ll call the rescue next week. I have no idea if their foster coordinator’s email is monitored over the weekend so I’m trying not to fret and tell myself that this will just give me extra time to get ready for two new family members.

    3. Haha Lala*

      I foster for a dog rescue and this biggest requirement in that I must respond to potential adopters within 24hrs. If it’s been a few days and you haven’t heard back from her, definitely reach out to the organization and let them know that her email address isn’t working. Phone may be better— they might have just forwarded her your email and she still wouldn’t get that.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’d say go to the organization and gently ask if all is well with her, given the pandemic. Let them know you’re interested in taking on the two cats. Possibly add “as long as she hasn’t decided to adopt them herself” — given that we’ve seen Alison end up falling in love with her fosters.

  44. HannahS*

    What should I consider when moving apartments while expecting a baby? My husband and I are going to move to a 2-bedroom, as we’re expecting a baby in the fall. We have an achievable list of both must-haves and nice-to-haves (must-have = a dishwasher, close to public transit; nice-to-have = a sunny balcony), but is there anything you’d wish you’d thought of while choosing a place to be with an infant? What did you find you liked or didn’t like about your home once you had a baby?

    1. Disco Janet*

      I realize how feasible this is varies based on your area, but I’d try to find something on the ground floor level. You’ll be up a lot at all odd hours, possibly with a baby that wants to be walked around a lot. Then come the learning to walk toddler years. Not having to stress about what it sounds like to the person underneath is nice!

    2. Susie*

      A place to store a stroller so you’re not carrying it up and down stairs or a first floor apartment. If your complex has an elevator, that makes things easier but makes transitions take longer, so I’d still suggest looking for a place as close to an exit as possible. Also-decent sound proofing so you’re not stressing anytime your kiddo moves (especially if you don’t have a first floor apartment)

      1. RagingADHD*

        Seconding stroller storage.

        Also general stroller accessibility. The ADA compliant entrance may not be the main entrance, so make sure you walk the route. (Ours turned out to be on the back side of the building & involve a dark tunnel that always smelled of pee. Ew.)

    3. Fellow Traveller*

      Congrats!
      A couple thoughts: Washing Machine. There is so much laundry with a baby. A dryer too is nice for when only the one special sleep sack will do.
      Also – think about where you are going to store the stroller; if the window treatments can accommodate black out shades (there are plenty of DIY solutions for this, if not… but it’s convenient if you don’t have to think about it); how noise/sound proof the building is; Lots of natural light is good too because you’re home so much the first few months. Close to a park or in a good walking area because being able to get out to walk around is key. I also really like having a more open floor plan because once the baby is mobile, it makes it easier to be in the kitchen and still keep an eye on the baby.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      Washer/dryer! Babies make so much laundry and it’s a huge pain having to either leave the baby unattended or haul them back and forth to a laundry room, remember when to go switch to the dryer, etc.

    5. Not A Manager*

      – In-unit laundry
      – Halls/elevators/stairs that can easily accommodate a baby buggy with turns
      – Room inside the apartment OR accessible space outside the apartment to store baby equipment like buggies, strollers, car seats. In my experience, neighbors are more irritated by your stuff being kept in the common hallway outside your front door than they are by a crying baby.
      – Bathtub

      Bonus points if your baby buggy fits INSIDE your apartment and you can easily push it around. There were times when I liked to let my babies nap in the stroller and I would bring it into whatever room I was in at the time. (I honestly can’t remember why that was. My apartment was small enough that I could hear them in their crib, and easily get to them, and yet I remember schlepping them around in the stroller and really liking it. Maybe I didn’t want to be separated? Maybe they had a little cold? Maybe it was for ease of nursing? I have no idea but I definitely did it a lot.)

        1. Not A Manager*

          Yeah, I had one of those fancy ones that had a bassinet attachment for when they are tiny, and a seat that could face rear or front as they got older. Obviously a fancy buggy is a sometimes food and no one should go outside of their budget, but I loooooooved that buggy. It was built like a tank, had great suspension so the baby didn’t get jostled too much outdoors, and there was lots of room under the bassinet attachment for groceries.

          When they were infants I kept the whole contraption next to my bed overnight instead of having to go fetch them from their crib. It really was like a mobile bed more than a buggy.

          1. allathian*

            I had one of those, too. Sure, it was fairly expensive, but I suspect that it was cheaper than buying a buggy with a bassinet and one without. I also loved the reversible seat (ours was a Brio), because when my son was old enough to start sitting upright, he really didn’t like to face forward, he preferred to look at whoever was pushing the carriage and when he got a bit older, his curiosity got the better of him and he wanted to look at the world instead.

            Even with a toddler, it was really handy to have a buggy with a back that could be lowered if he wanted a nap. My son never learned to sleep more than 9 hours straight, so he switched to two naps when he was about 18 months and settled for one when he went to daycare when he was 2 years old and I returned to work. He continued to nap every weekday until he started kindergarten, because his daycare had a “quiet hour” even for the older kids and he always fell asleep.

    6. PX*

      Jumping of what Disco Janet said, think about noise. Noise you might make (crying babies can be loud!) but also if there might be a lot of outside noise which might be an issue for sleep deprived parents and/or sensitive babies.

    7. Natalie*

      I would make sure the 2nd bedroom is big enough for one of you to sleep there for a few months. There are all sorts of sleeping configurations people do, and you can’t always predict which one will work best for you until the baby is here. My husband and ended up rooming separately until our daughter was about 4 months old.

      1. allathian*

        So did we. I was such a sensitive sleeper that there’s no way I could sleep in the same room with a baby. I also had a hard time falling asleep afterwards, unlike my husband, who basically falls asleep 5 minutes after his head hits the pillow and he turns out the light. So my husband slep with the baby and I slept in another room. I did breastfeed a bit, but because our son was born underweight, he wasn’t allowed to lose any of his birth weight, and so he got donated breastmilk for a few days in hospital (thanks all donor moms!), and a combination of breastmilk and formula after that. I never could get to terms with pumping, either, and although we used Avent bottles for a more natural suction, he basically weaned himself off breastmilk at about 3.5 months. But because he was also on formula, my husband could deal with about half of the night feedings. For the rest, he’d bring me the baby to be fed and he’d be asleep when I returned our son to his crib.

        I’m still a restless sleeper and we’re still sleeping in separate bedrooms. Don’t get hung up on the idea that a committed couple should share a bed or at least a room if it doesn’t work for you.

    8. Cambridge Comma*

      If you find something with a balcony also consider how you will keep a toddler off it. We have a ground floor with a courtyard and the space is much more useful because I can let them run in and out on their own.

      1. Natalie*

        A little advanced research on childproofing in general might be helpful, just to make sure you’re not ending up on the most difficult setting. For example, we gated off our entire kitchen rather than install a zillion little cupboard locks and replace the open kitchen cart, but we had to shop around for a wide enough gate.

        If you end up on a higher floor, consider window safety specifically.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I wish I’d had a well ventilated bathroom big enough to keep the stinky pail in there instead of in a bedroom. And I wish I’d had a bathtub that did NOT have shower-door sliders, especially not with grooves on the edge — it made toddler bathtime more awkward because we had to reach around the doors and sit on a carefully folded towel to save our bottoms.
        Make sure you’re allowed to hang a laundry line for delicate things.

    9. HahaLala*

      Depending on where you are, older apartments (pre 1970’s) could have lead paint. It’s not dangerous if it’s in good shape, but you could have problems if it starts peeling or chipping. Lead is especially harmful to children (and pregnant women) and babies could easily eat paint chips. I know in my area landlords are legally required to warn tenants of that danger, but it might vary in other places. Not that you would need to rule out an older apartment, but it’s definitely worth keeping in mind.

  45. Yellow Warbler*

    Does anyone have a pet dremel tool that comes with multiple grit heads? I want to buy one, but we have several animals of varying sizes/claw hardness. I’d rather use multiple heads and buy one tool.

    Also interested in alternatives, like if you just bought something at Lowe’s instead.

    1. HahaLala*

      I bought just a standard dremel from Home Depot and have no issue using that for my pups’ nails. You can buy varying grits of sandpaper and it’s basically the same thing as the pet specific dremel— but you can also use the other bits for whatever other diy type projects. I’ve also found that the grinding ability depends a lot on speed too, and the normal one has a larger range of speed settings. You might be able to trim all the different nail types with the same head and and just varying speeds.

    2. Animal worker*

      Agree to get a regular vs pet dremel – my pet one didn’t last, the ‘safety guard’ which is its main selling point made it hard to see to get the nails right, for me at least. And it wasn’t very powerful or durable. I got one at Lowe’s that is specifically made to be lightweight, battery operated, and has a light that shines on the dremel portion – this last part is soooooo helpful, I definitely recommend getting a lighted one. Worth the little extra cost in the beginning because it is so helpful when doing the nails.

  46. Nicki Name*

    Low-stakes cat care question.

    My house is mostly carpeted, so my cats don’t wear their claws down very much. I’d like to trim their claws, so I’ve gotten a little pair of claw trimming scissors and I’ve started trying to use them when the cats sit with me on the couch. When they see the trimmers, though, everyone just wants to grab them and put them in their mouths (along with my fingers). I’m not sure what’s setting off this reaction or how to work around it. I think if we could get a routine going, they’d get used to it, but I’m trying to figure out how to get to that point.

    The cats also get brushed while sitting on the couch, and they want to rub their faces on the brush, but they don’t do anything like trying to eat it. Any ideas about how to work through this?

    1. violet04*

      My cats like to eat the nail trimmer too. I will hold them with their back against my belly to trim their claws. A couple of them hate nail trims so I’ll have my husband hold them or wrap them in a blanket and get one paw out at a time.

      I haven’t tried this myself, but I’ve seen a grooming mitt so you can pet them and get off the excess hair. Maybe they would prefer that over the brush?

      1. Nicki Name*

        They actually like the brush. They’ll sit still and purr while being brushed. They just want to say hi to it as well, I guess.

    2. A313*

      Maybe try giving them treats while you trim? Although cats can eat a treat really quickly, so I don’t know that it would buy you much time. Some cats, just clipping a few each day is all you’re going to get, but it works. My cat’s favorite part of her body to be brushed is her face — checks, top of the head, under her chin. She now knows she will be getting the head brushing after the body is done, so she’s fairly patient. Usually.

    3. Flower necklace*

      When I was getting my cat used to nail trimming, I always picked a time when he was sleepy. That way there was less resistance. I also distracted him with a long, jerky treat. I fed him a little bit of the treat at a time, which meant I could distract him longer.

      It took a while, but now I can plop him on my lap and trim his nails without any problems.

        1. Eff Walsingham*

          Agree! Sleepy time is the best time.

          My cats have mostly hated claw-clipping. Or at least, were very twitchy and jumpy, which made *me* jumpy, which was a bad combination!

          I’ve always preferred to have a second pair of hands — husband, or friend — to hold and soothe while I clip. Sometimes my little female is calmer than the male; sometimes she’s quite angry and needs to be wrapped in a towel or t-shirt. But she loves her scratching posts and keeps her claws so sharp, that we really have to stay on top of the situation or she lovingly fills us with holes.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Make it a rolling target for now – 1-2 claws per cat per day. Once they’re used to it, you can ramp up more – one paw per cat per day, and so on.

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I just let them attack the brush/comb for a bit, then brush for a bit, then let them attack it, etc. As for rubbing their faces on it – it feels good. Accommodate it.

      My cats have never tried to eat the claw trimmers, they’re usually trying to get away.

  47. Cendol*

    Folks with ADHD and especially writers with ADHD—do you have any tips for “breaking” or emerging from hyperfocus?

    I asked this on the work thread yesterday specific to work deliverables and Microsoft Office products, but obviously ADHD affects every aspect of one’s life! In my case, I desperately want to write a novel but have to figure out a way to dip in and out of concentration without torpedoing my personal life. I often put off writing because I know that once I start, I’m going to get sucked into a tunnel where I don’t eat or sleep and just type frantically toward the finish line. I know some writers lean into this (and I do too, right now!) but I want to figure out something more sustainable.

    Also, I want to thank Anonym, who mentioned Maria Cummins’ blog on the thread about the disorganized project manager this week. I read one of her posts about task switching and recognized myself. I’ve spent almost my entire adult life thinking I couldn’t possibly have ADHD because I focus *so well* that hours go by before I realize how long I’ve been working on something! Facepalm.

    1. Lizy*

      ADHD affects different people differently. I’m similar to you – I get all nitty gritty into the details and crap it’s been 2 hours… it can be a good thing, but of course a problem, too.

      For longer projects, or ones where I know I’ll “lose” myself and lose track of time, I block it out. So if at work, for example, I have a bunch of smaller projects I’ll do those first and then allow myself time to delve into the longer one.

      That’s all I SQUIRREL

    2. RagingADHD*

      There are different levels of hyperfocus. When I’m in drafting phase on a book, I have several types of pattern interrupt that keep me from hyperfocusing too long at a time or in the same day.

      -I get physical pain if I sit still for too long, so I can’t avoid getting up to move every hour or so. Before my joint issues got this bad, I drank a LOT of water. Needing the bathroom was a physical cue I couldn’t ignore indefinitely. (I still do drink a good bit, I just don’t depend on it as much as a cue). My health issues also demand that I do things like eat reasonably healthy food and get exercise. Ignoring those things is a naturally self-limiting behavior, because if I don’t do them, I soon will not be able to write at all because I’ll be lying in bed with a heating pad for a few days.

      -For my daily schedule /responsibilities like going to an appointment or picking up kids from school, I have an unbelievably loud and annoying kitchen timer that’s built into the stove. I have on occasion missed hearing it for a minute or 2, but it keeps screeching for up to 10 minutes, and I’ve never blocked it out completely. Since it’s in the other room, I have to physically go there to turn it off.

      It’s actually easier to focus with the timer set, because I don’t have to monitor the time or be paranoid about missing something.

      – For long-term lifestyle stuff like keeping up with the laundry, I just accept that standards will slip during that phase — usually about 3 to 6 weeks. That’s a tolerable period to let things slide and still be able to recover. I usually need plenty of non-brain activity to decompress after drafting, so catching up on housework is enjoyable.

      Overarching all these, meds make a huge difference. I wrote my first book while working a highly-structured day job outside the home, so I only had my lunch break to write in, plus the early morning from about 5-6:30. Once I left the day job, I wasn’t able to create any type of structured writing routine until I got diagnosed and started meds.

      Executive function problems are, by definition, when you KNOW what needs to be done. You just can’t DO it. So the meds bridge the gap by making things doable.

  48. Bluebell*

    Reading thread: what are you reading this week? And do you have any holds at the library that are taking forever? I just finished The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett, and also Feminasty by Erin Gibson. Just placed a hold on Detransition Baby, and my other holds include Black Buck and The Midnight Library.

    1. GoryDetails*

      Ha! I was just about to start a reading thread – glad I refreshed the page first!

      Among my current reads:

      SOMETHING IN THE WATER by Catherine Steadman, a thriller in which a couple stumble onto something very unexpected during a tropical honeymoon. The novel starts out in dramatic fashion and then goes into “how we got here” mode, with a lot more going on than I’d expected from the cover-blurb, and while the protagonist/narrator has traits that make me antsy, I’m enjoying watching the trainwreck – er, the story – unfold.

      WE SPEAK IN STORMS by Natalie Lund, an unusual kind of coming-of-age/coming-to-terms-with-life-and-death novel in which a town still suffers the fallout from a deadly tornado that killed fifty-some teens at a drive-in fifty years before. There are three main current-day characters, each of them teens with issues at school and at home – dying mother, gay teen who’s ignored by everyone, girl-with-a-reputation – and each of these kids discovers that they can see and hear the spirits of some of the tornado victims. (There are Greek-chorus chapters from the collective viewpoint of the spirits as well, suggesting an amorphous “hanging around waiting and watching” vibe – whether one finds this comforting or unsettling may affect how one feels about the novel.) The kids learn from the ghosts, and in turn help the ghosts achieve their own versions of closure – and bond over their strange connection to the dead.

      On audio: RUBBERNECKER by Belinda Bauer, an intriguing suspense novel in different viewpoints: one’s a man who is comatose following a car accident, and whose viewpoint gradually shifts from scattered memories to glimpses of the here-and-now as he regains some degree of consciousness. (His parts of the story include some wrenching accounts of the challenges of trying to relearn such things as drinking water or forming words.) Another main character is a young man with Asperger syndrome, who’s studying anatomy in hopes of figuring out the secrets of life and death – all because he saw his father killed by a car when he was 8, and can’t bear not knowing where his father went. Other characters include a slacker nurse at the coma ward, the fellow anatomy students, the daughter of the coma victim… and the growing realization that someone’s been killing coma patients. I’m enjoying the audiobook very much indeed, even if some of the more intense scenes stretch credibility a bit.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      I read The Vanishing Half recently too! Just finished Thorn by Intisar Khanani only to discover the sequel won’t be published until later this month. I guess I’m lucky I timed it when I did rather than having to wait for years to read the next one, but still an unhappy surprise!

    3. Still*

      Thank you to whoever recommended the Wayfarer series, I’m two books in and I love it! It’s warm and charming, and I love the way it talks about humanity.

    4. Monty & Millie's Mom*

      I’m just about to start I Am Not Your Perfect Mexican Daughter by Erika L. Sanchez. I recently saw that America Ferrera is making it into a movie, so I’m giving it a try. It’s YA, and looks intriguing!

    5. GoryDetails*

      Last night I read BENEATH THE SUGAR SKY, the third in Seanan McGuire’s marvelous “Wayward Children” series. I haven’t been reading the series in order so this one filled in some details that are significant in later books, but I enjoyed it anyway – not least because it gives us a peek at what became of Nancy, the protagonist of the first book Every Heart a Doorway.

    6. SarahKay*

      I have been reading my way through a number of KJ Charles’s books, often far too late into the night as I’m too absorbed by the plot to stop.
      A huge thank you to whoever it was on the weekend thread that recommended her, probably late spring last year. They have been the perfect reading matter for me in the last week or so; not totally easy (when I was stressed last summer I was reading Enid Blyton boarding school books because that was all I could cope with), but not heavy reading either.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Just inhaled Witchmark by CLPolk and will be rewarding myself with Soulstorm when I finish something I’ve been procrastinating. Google calls it gaslamp fantasy, and I call it a charming fantasy world romance.

  49. Lizy*

    Anyone receive their tax refund yet?
    I filed in January, received by the IRS February 12 (the earliest date this year). Normally, we get our refund in 1-2 weeks and… nothing. The “where’s my refund” bar disappeared completely earlier this week, and now it just says it’s “being processed”. I’ve tried calling, as they say to do if you haven’t received anything in 21 days. And – of course – trying to actually get ahold of anyone is impossible.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      There’s a note on my bank account that says the Fed is coming on March 8. That seems weird to me. They were filed last Sunday.

    2. Hamish*

      The IRS is extremely backed up from last year. Some people who have e-filed their taxes for 2020 are getting them quickly, but many many are more delayed than usual. It’s unlikely to be due to an issue with your return. (Which, incidentally, you may have submitted to be filed in January, but the IRS wouldn’t have finished processing it until at least a day or three after Feb 12th. Submitting it in January is irrelevant since they pushed back the e-file opening two weeks this year.)

      The IRS is a very under-funded agency which last year was put through almost daily scope changes. Huge changes were made to tax code on a near daily basis including major changes to forms that would have normally been finalized much earlier, not to mentioned that they were suddenly asked to pull information for people’s stimulus payments and also set up portals for people to update that info or check on their payments. It’s been hard enough to keep up with as an accountant, and at least I’m privately paid and not using tech that was state of the art in 1973. Plus, of course, they’re working from home and socially distancing as much as possible just like the rest of us. So… many people who paper filed their 2019 returns are still waiting on those refunds.

      I’m very lucky if I can even get anyone on the paid preparer IRS line at the moment.

      Give them a little time.

      Signed,
      An extremely stressed out public accountant

      1. Lizy*

        Oh it’s all a cluster-f.
        I’m not necessarily worried there’s something wrong – we have a pretty straightforward return. I think I’m more wanting confirmation that we’re not the only yahoo’s in this boat lol.

        So far, it seems like anyone I’ve talked to who filed earlier (I.e., February 12) is having the same issues, while people who filed later have already received their refund.

        And I’m sorry. I know it’s a crappy situation all around

    3. Millicent*

      Yes! Got both my federal and then the state a week later. I filed in January also, federal refund came approximately mid – Feb.

    4. Dan*

      So… I learned my lesson about this a few years ago when I got divorced.

      My final divorce came through later than I expected, which crossed a tax year. I was expecting to be “single” by the end of the year, and had my withholdings set up accordingly. Except… my ex dragged her feet with the paperwork, *and* didn’t work, which entitled me to still file as “Married Filed Jointly”. The difference in tax liability was close to $5k. As in, $5k refund for me. Except… spouse also chose to default on her student loans, and the IRS wanted to garnish the refund as a result. Except… they prorate the liability, and because she had no income, I had to file paperwork to get *all* of that refund.

      Let me tell you, I was on pins and needles for months waiting for that $5k.

      So now I set up my taxes up so I always owe. And I feel really good about that in general. And watching how things are getting held up right now, I don’t second guess that decision in the slightest.

      1. Lizy*

        This year in particular, it was quite literally impossible for us to owe, even if we had nothing taken out of my paycheck. We had a baby in 2020, so we get the stimulus (stimuli?) for him, plus child tax credits, plus I did have less taxable income in 2020 than 2019…

        We’ve never owed, but this year in particular there was no way we could have anything except a refund lol

        1. Hamish*

          Honestly, that means that your return is lower priority for the IRS. While they’re extremely backed up, they care a lot more about processing everything for people who owe them money. :)

    6. Belle*

      We filed in January and had our electronic deposit by end of February. Our status did update right away, so it seems odd yours did not to me.

    7. NoLongerYoung*

      Mine was e-filed Feb 22 by the CPA, got the refund 3/4. not a huge refund, though. And relatively straightforward return.

      1. Lizy*

        This is what’s frustrating to me. We filed earlier, and also had a pretty straightforward return – 2 W2s and the kids. So what’s the hang up?!

        1. BlueWolf*

          Do you qualify for the Earned Income Tax Credit? If so, I believe those refunds go out later. I filed early and got my refund crazy fast but I have a pretty straightforward return.

    8. Aphrodite*

      Yes. I filed around February 18.. I received my state refund (which usually comes in after the federal one) three days later! Two days after that, I got my federal refund. Most important to me, however, is that I don’t need to think about them again for eleven months and one week. Yay for being passionate for getting them done ASAP.

  50. Learning to Breathe*

    Does anyone else find themselves in a pandemic-induced funk sometimes where you have no interest in really doing anything and just kinda…exist without doing anything? It feels like my brain decided that it is going to hibernate until I need again. I mean this in a cheerful I’m-bored-with-being-bored way, not a depressing way. Pre-pandemic I used to be like this for a few days to recharge after being super social (I’m an outgoing introvert) or if I was on the edge of a migraine, so hiding from the world and doing nothing for a few days at a time was actually kinda nice. But its my permanent state now. My family are very high-energy, go-getters, so I think I mostly just want to know if I’m alone in this? (though if you’ve knocked yourself out of it, that would be great advice. My ability to “just do it” is currently napping along with the rest of my willpower)

    I’ve rearranged my apartment furniture several times, reorganized my stuff countless times, discovered that video are not that much fun when you are allowed to play endlessly, found the outer edges of netflix, indulged all my craftiness, searched all over my area for outdoor walkable places (none exist – people haven’t social distanced, worn masks, or even bother to cover their mouths when coughing), and even did a ton of online shopping. Phone calls have no conversations left because no one is really doing anything worth talking about anymore – I’m so excited for my friend who is getting a vaccine just so she can go out and bring back stories to talk about!!

    1. Girasol*

      I was just about to ask that question! At first I did all sorts of things to keep active and interested in spite of covid. But my attempts are becoming less energetic as this wears on. I’m hoping that if I’m mostly down to imagining all the things to look forward to doing when life is “normal” again will jump start me when the time comes, or maybe when spring comes. It feels like it’s been cabin fever for ages.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      All the time. I’m so tired of slowly melding with the couch. I’m occasionally pulling myself out of it with crafts and projects, and the times when I force myself to exercise always make a surprisingly big difference so I need to do that more!

    3. ronda*

      I love your comment about when people will be able to bring back stories to talk about :)

      But there are likely stories from the past you have not heard that you might like to hear in the meantime.

      For example my 80+ aunt was telling me about waiting in lines with my grandma for food during rationing. I did really like hearing about that. So maybe explore the past in some of your conversations instead?

      Just one idea. Come up with a couple questions about peoples’ past and see if that gives you stuff to talk about. (maybe give them a heads up that you would like them to tell you about it)
      Games that you can do over call/ video meeting are another idea.

      1. Janne*

        That’s a great idea!
        (I discovered that my grandma went to Paris by motorcycle in her twenties. Why had I never heard of it before!?)

    5. Bobina*

      I definitely feel you on this. I got into gardening (or the idea of it) during our second lock down and it definitely helped as a distraction but that can only go so far in the middle of winter. I definitely had a few weekends of feeling so bored of everything and not wanting to do anything and then being bored/annoyed with not doing anything. I am definitely looking forward to spring/summer if only because the going outside will be much more exciting!

    6. Skeeder Jones*

      I can definitely relate. I am laying on my couch watching TV and was just thinking about how nothing is grabbing my interest. I feel like laying on the couch and watching TV all day but none of the shows seem interesting right now. I have some craft projects I could be working on but I’m so unmotivated. I wait all week for the weekend to come but why?

      I’ve definitely been online shopping because of boredom and the desire to have something to be excited about but seriously, I have no need for the stuff I buy. I have so many clothes that still have tags on them but buying more gives me a momentary thrill. There is literally nothing that I need. And by that I mean I have everything I need in excess already. But it’s the only thing that gets me excited. I had decided to start a spending fast right now because I don’t even have space for more stuff. I have been buying groceries whenever I run out of the things I most want to eat/snack on so I’m also committing to buy groceries no more than weekly and I have tons of pantry and frozen food I can eat my way through. Hopefully I can get involved in my craft projects instead of spending money on things I don’t need.

    7. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I’ve been very low motivation. It’s basically a low-key depression type thing for me, and it is entirely due to the pandemic. Stress, isolation, routine change – all of it has an impact. I’ve decided that I’m not going to beat myself up over it, but I do make myself do the minimum at least. Once I do get moving sometimes I’ll get more energy to do stuff, so I take advantage of it. I’m hoping better weather will help me, and I’m also changing jobs which will hopefully help.

    8. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Yes. I’m right there with you and I’m not sure about how I’ll function when/if this is over.

    9. Eff Walsingham*

      My spouse and I are essential service workers, so I actually give myself the gift of one day per weekend of completely rudderless existence. Stay in pyjamas, don’t necessarily clean or read or craft or… anything. Absolutely no errands. They can happen on the other weekend day, or after work. The result has mostly been internet rabbit holes, occasional light cleaning, and a fair amount of rediscovering music from my collection, while my spouse is off being more productive or (distantly) social. It seems to have helped me to reframe “sloth” into “self-care”. A lot of our friends, particularly early in the plague, went all sourdough-starter-and-mindfulness and I. just. couldn’t. Work and especially transit suck all the energy right out of me… it’s so Fight or Flight out there! I figure I need time and space to let the adrenaline wear off.

    10. Frankie Bergstein*

      This is me! I sat with the emotion for a long time and realized I wasn’t bored so much as mad — mad that so many people have died from this pandemic, mad at what I see as an ineffectual response, mad when I see risky behavior with regard to it, mad at other social inequities it has made bare — that sort of thing. Once I sat with that and really felt it, the boredom dissipated. (I’ve also been trying to do all the well-being things typically recommended — exercise, music — which had helped too). Good luck. Let us know how it goes!

    11. JelloStapler*

      Yes yes a 1000x yes. In this funk now, actually. Slowly coming out of it, but part of it my job is burning me out as a main focus is helping people manage through this weird time (with many of THEM also in this funk) and we’re running out of solutions outside of “ending the pandemic”.

    12. lemon meringue*

      I’ve found that my anxiety tends to take two forms–high or low energy. I’ve experienced both at different times, and this sounds like my low energy type of anxiety (usually accompanied by cold-like symptoms, which is especially fun during a pandemic).

      Two things that I’ve found consistently helpful have been chatty podcasts and writing. Maybe it sounds a bit sad, but I have found that together, they provide enough of a feeling of being sociable to keep me on a fairly even keel. I do video conversations and that sort of thing as well, but I tend to find it too draining to keep up regularly.

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m in the same boat: “My get-up-and-go done got up and went.”

  51. Don't Know Exactly What To Do*

    This is a long, boring question so I’ll understand if nobody wants to respond, but I’m genuinely looking for opinions here—I’ve gone over this stuff so many times that I’m about to resort to the Magic 8 Ball..
    – I’m a long-time renter of a granny flat, a single unit attached to a single-family residence.
    – The current owners are selling my building. The new buyers don’t want a tenant; they want to use the apartment for their family.
    – Local ordinances and regulations say the change of ownership isn’t sufficient cause to evict me; because I’m a long-time tenant in good standing, neither set of owners can arbitrarily toss me out.
    – The sale is a good and necessary thing for the current owners; they probably should have done this several years ago. I completely support their selling.
    – I also completely understand the new owners wanting to have the entire building.
    – The legal way they can get me to move is to offer me a buyout. Current owners made an insultingly low offer (comparable to one month’s rent and a package of rib-eyes); I contacted local housing authorities and legal advisors, who gave me a much more reasonable number.
    – Current owners flipped out at the new number; I offered to lower the move-out amount 10%.
    – Current owners ghosted, then came back and asked if I’d take another 10% off.
    – Current owners want me to be completely moved out and to return my keys by a specific date; then they’ll give me the move-out money 10 days after that date. I can deal with the move-out date but am not comfortable with the delayed check.
    – Today, Saturday, the current owners are bringing me a written offer of the above.

    Here’s the thing:
    – My moving out at all is a gift to the owners. I don’t have to do it. I could simply say, “No, I’m staying,” and it would be completely legal. It would also likely kill the sale, and the current owners really need to do this.
    – My moving out will hurt me: local market rates mean I’ll pay double my current rent anywhere else, and will have to live in a place I like a lot less. (I’m on a fixed income, plus a little freelancing.) If I live frugally, which I already do, the move-out money will provide a cushion for the next year or so.
    – If I do make what I’m calling the “jerk decision” and simply stay, everybody loses. If the new owners did buy the place with me in it, they’d be unhappy because I’m here, and that would make me unhappy being here. Or my staying may cause the new owners to back out of the sale, which will damage the current owners (who really need to sell); unhappiness for current owners and, by extension, me. So that doesn’t really seem like an option.
    – It seems like my only honorable action is:
    (a) agree to move, but refuse to sign the agreement unless it specifies that the key and move-out check (cashier’s check, please) are exchanged simultaneously, and
    (b) get used to the idea that I have to leave this bright, sunny, happy apartment for something that costs twice as much and has half the space and none of the sunlight.

    I’m sorry this question is so long. I just … it seems like I’m the one who has the control to do the right thing here, and I want whatever I do to benefit all of us, but all I can see is that the logical decision will be good for only two of the three involved parties here, and one of them ain’t me.
    What would you do?

    1. CatCat*

      Monetarily, if you’re okay with the current owner’s $$ offer, then I’d stick to my guns on when I get the money. If you’re concerned they might do something shady with the check, they can give you cash. If you’re worried about having that much cash on hand, you all could meet at your bank for the cash and keys transaction then you couimld mediately deposit the funds into your account.

      It’s not all in you to make a scenario where everyone is satisfied. Actually, most of that is in the control of the current owners.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Can you ask that one of the real estate agents help you find a new place at a reasonable price? This would be part of the package for you to move out- the buyer or seller attached to that agent would help pay the bill to find you a new place.

      Are you eligible for help with rent costs because of income? (Don’t answer here. But this may be something to consider.)

      My friend is a landlord. His tenant has been renting for years. When Covid hit, he told her because she pays every month and pays on time, he was dropping the rent down a little for the period of the pandemic. Is it possible that such a landlord lives near you? This would require going through networks of friends and professionals and word-of-mouth. If you are that tenant who pays like clockwork that might be worth something to a tired landlord. And we have lots of tired landlords.

      1. Don't Know Exactly What To Do*

        Thanks very much, NotSoNew. I have been searching on my own, but never thought of asking the realtor. (Current owner doesn’t want me to speak directly to the realtor; not sure why.)
        Most of the landlords in my area are corporations. Their online screening requires that the potential renter’s monthly income be “at least three times the amount of the rent,” and I’m just not in that economic stratum.
        It makes me happy to hear that landlords like your friend exist … I just have to find one! The search continues.

        1. Another workerbee*

          Phht. Your landlord sounds shady. There’s no good reason to keep you from talking to the realtor. I wonder if they’ve misrepresented you to them.

          1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

            This is what I wondered. It sounds like they don’t want you to deal with anyone else directly yourself. Proceed with caution.

    3. D3*

      Definitely ask for the check earlier! Maybe even *ahead* of the key exchange since the buyout money will be needed to arrange for a new place. You will have given in on moving at all, you will have lowered the buyout amount 20% lower than the recommended, and you’ve been a good and trustworthy tenant for years.

      1. Don't Know Exactly What To Do*

        Thanks for the reinforcement, D3. It really helps to know that an objective person agrees—I’m doing more than my share here!
        Also, it never occurred to me to ask for the buyout check early—it’ll definitely be needed for getting me into a new place.

      2. Person from the Resume*

        Yes. You’re being inconvenienced to move. You may need that money to pay deposit, pay movers, etc so you should have that money in hand at the time that you move out if not earlier in order to pay deposit on new place, etc.

    4. comityoferrors*

      I definitely wouldn’t move out unless the agreement was to exchange keys and money simultaneously.

      Honestly, you’re already making a fairly large concession by accepting 20% under the recommended amount. I don’t doubt your mental calculations about why the “jerk decision” isn’t right, but you’re not a jerk for wanting to be treated fairly in this process. I personally would want the 10% under that you initially offered (that ship may have sailed but maybe not?), paid in full at move-out, or no dice. That’s not you being dishonorable or keeping the current owners from achieving what they want; that’s you looking out for your own interests in a negotiation, in the same way the current owners are. If they aren’t willing to meet you halfway here, they’re forfeiting the sale – not you.

      This sounds like a tough spot to be in all-around. Best of luck!

      1. Don't Know Exactly What To Do*

        Thanks, Comity. I can’t tell you how much it helps to hear what you, D3, CatCat, and Not So New have to say. I’ve been feeling pretty much all alone here, and I thank to you all very much for the suggestions, encouragement, and mostly the reassurance that I’m not being illogical here!
        My secret hope is that I win a very large lottery tomorrow, and then I’ll just make a generous offer and buy the place myself. Of course, that would have a better chance of happening if I ever actually bought a lottery ticket …

    5. Not A Manager*

      I would do what’s best for me. Sorrynotsorry. You can politely state that you won’t give up your lease unless the buyout is amount is fair and the process is reasonable. “Fair” means “fair to you,” not “maximizes other people’s opportunities.” “Reasonable” means “reasonable to you,” not “forces you to sue them in order to maybe recover your money.”

      I think you need a representative. It doesn’t have to be a lawyer that you pay. If you have a friend or a relative who can interface with the owners for you, it will provide you with some insulation and some plausible deniability if your agent insists on things that protect YOU even if it’s inconvenient for someone else.

      I’m so angry on your behalf that you are bending over backward to protect the interests of people who are lowballing you, ghosting, and setting up a system where you really might not get your payment at all.

      I think you should walk back your previous offers. I think you should find that agent to negotiate for you, and tell the owners that the agent won’t “let” you make those price concessions and they’ll have to talk to the agent. These people are, intentionally or not, taking advantage of you.

      1. Don't Know Exactly What To Do*

        I’m probably way too emotionally invested here, but what you said brought tears to my eyes, Not A Manager. I’m going to have to deal with today’s meeting alone, but am definitely not signing anything today, have already told current owners that I need a couple of days to look the offer over, and will be getting some expert advice. Will also see if I can find that agent to stand beside (or in front of) me.
        Thank you a million, two hundred thousand.
        Side thought: Doing the right thing shouldn’t be this difficult—should it?

        1. Not A Manager*

          I’m very glad that what I said resonated with you.

          I will say it again: You are a good, caring person and you are in a situation where your own expectations of yourself are getting in the way of protecting yourself. If the world were completely reciprocal, the people on the other side of the negotiation would ALSO be good, caring people who want you to be safe just as much as you want their real estate deal to go through for them. But this is not the case. Please take as much care of your own interests as you are thinking about their interests.

          For your meeting today, please stick to your script of “this is very interesting and I will think about it but I can’t commit right now.” I think there will be spoken and unspoken pressure on you.

          1. Don't Know Exactly What To Do*

            Thanks, Not A Manager, and you’re right about the pressure. I usually just become what I call “the endless tape loop,” which I learned when my mom was dealing with Alzheimer’s disease. She’d ask the same question, I’d give the same response, thirty times a day, and I always answered as if it were the first time I’d heard the question.
            It works well with other people, too. The harder they push, the more abstractedly, politely stubborn I become: “Yes, I’ll certainly think about that and get back to you,” ad infinitum.
            Also, will remind self to take care of self, too. That’s a big one.
            Thanks again.

    6. Scott*

      I think if you decide that moving is the right option for you and the financial part is something you can live with, then it’s perfectly reasonable to expect full payment when you have emptied the space and returned the keys. If this bothers the owners that is on them, not you. It doesn’t seen like you are trying to salvage a personal relationship with them, so I’d not worry about it.

      1. Don't Know Exactly What To Do*

        Thanks, Scott. I appreciate hearing your thoughts. No, there’ll be no continuing relationship—that’s one reason why I’d like everything to be closed off at the same time: keys returned, buyout paid, shake hands (with gloves, I guess), tell each other, “have a nice life,” and walk away.
        Thanks for youf support.

        1. tangerineRose*

          The current owners sound just a little sketchy to me. First they want to drastically underpay, then they ask for 20% off (which seems like too much to me), then they want to pay you “later”.

        2. Schmitt*

          If you don’t accept a 20% cut (and you shouldn’t) it will not likely be catastrophic for the current owners. These possible new owners are not the ONLY possible new owners.

    7. June*

      Is it possible that both sides can contribute to buy you out and that the total amount can be enough to make up what you need to get a comfortable place? Also I would definitely get everything in writing and get the money from both sides (checks cleared) before moving out.

      1. Don't Know Exactly What To Do*

        Hi, June. You know, I’ve actually not exchanged more than about a dozen words with the new buyers—everything I’ve learned has been through the current owners. It does make sense that both sets of owners would contribute, because both sets want me to move!
        And yeah, I’ve dealt with the current owners long enough to know that things need to be in writing. Thanks for that suggestion.
        Also, one of the things I’m going to insist on is that any buyout money, whoever it comes from, is a cashier’s/certified check. Not that I don’t trust anyone, you understand … heh, heh.

        1. June*

          Yep. It’s really not even so much a matter of trust. (Although that too). I’d reframe this in your mind not as “being nice” or “being a jerk”, but what it really is for all three parties – a cooperative legal process with everyone having their interests protected. It’s on you to be reasonable, to communicate clearly, and to follow any lease agreement. It’s not on you to fix their finances, even if you had all the money in the world.

      2. Rick Tq*

        + lots and lots for having cleared checks/deposited cash and getting your security/cleaning deposit back in full before turning the keys over.

        Your only leverage after that will be taking the owners to Small Claims Court (in the US, at least) and that won’t be much fun.

        1. Don't Know Exactly What To Do*

          Thanks, Rick. Yeah, you’re spot-on about the leverage. This situation is kinda like I’m selling a car: I wouldn’t hand over the keys and the car (in this case, the keys and the apartment) and say, “Sure, pay me next week sometime!” Naive and trusting I may be sometimes—but not to that level!
          Thanks for the reminder.

      3. Not A Manager*

        I have a slightly different take on this. OP is already spending a lot of mental energy and making a lot of concessions trying to make this work for other people. Bringing more people into it will only exacerbate that.

        My advice is, negotiate only with the people that you have a contract with. At the moment, that’s the current owners. If they sell the property without buying you out, then your contract will be with the new owners.

        How the other party chooses to meet their obligation is up to them. They’re obligated to either let her remain for her lease term, or to offer her enough that she will accept a buyout. If the current owner wants to increase their asking price to cover all or some of the buyout, they can. If they want to eat the cost themselves in the interest of making the sale, they can. If they want to try to sell the home with an existing lease, they can.

        Solving their problem is not the OP’s problem. All she needs to do is figure out whether the deal she’s being offered is better FOR HER than maintaining the legal status quo. The legal status quo is she gets to stay in the apartment until her lease is up. There are some potential costs to her of staying in an apartment if the landlords don’t want her there, and she should take that into account. But I don’t think she needs to make suggestions to the current owners as to how to make a buyout more palatable to them.

        Given my proposal above that she triangulate with the owners by bringing in her own agent, I don’t encourage her to set up triangulation on the other side. The current owners and the prospective buyers will just kick this can back and forth between them and expect OP to make concessions to both of them.

    8. Don't Know Exactly What To Do*

      OP here. Thanks a million to you all for your responses, I figured with the length of my question and the only-marginally-interesting topic I’d get no responses at all.
      What you’ve all said resonates with me, and I’m now feeling much stronger about the position I’ll present at today’s meeting. I won’t be signing anything today, and I will stick to my guns on the simultaneous exchange. I should have thought of engaging an agent of some kind to act on my behalf; it’s definitely something I’ll be looking into for any subsequent conversations with current landlords.
      You’ve all made me feel like I have people at my back, if only virtually. Thank you all. You’re appreciated more than I can tell you.
      … and stay tuned for the next exciting episode … I’ll let you know what happens!
      Best to you all.

      1. Lizy*

        I second (third?) getting the money BEFORE you move, if not simultaneously, and absolutely a cashier’s check. Tbh, 10% off sounds more than fair. They need you to do this, there’s tons of reasons why you don’t want to do this, so they should make it worth your while. There’s no way I’d go 20%, but that’s just me.

        Good luck!

      2. IGoOnAnonAnonAnon*

        Does your city/local area have a Tenant’s Rights organization? If yes, contact them for advice! I’m in a high COL urban area and our Tenant’s Rights group regularly assists tenants in buyout situations for free or at a very low cost.

        And I agree 100% with the simultaneous keys/cashier’s check handover, no 10-day wait for your money. Nope nope nope on that. Good luck!

      3. Morning reader*

        Don’t know your location but it’s a sellers market in many areas. If this deal falls through because the buyers don’t want a tenant, the sellers will find another buyer. I don’t see why it should be your obligation to help your landlords sell your home out from under you. They can find a buyer who wants a tenant or they can be fair with you.

    9. Coco*

      This is such a sucky situation for you. I agree with the other readers.

      Get your own realtor who will help you find a rental. They will go look with you and give you an opinion of whether the rental price is fair. Also for the buyout, is that going to be part of the home selling/ buying contract? Will the title company hold the money and release it to you after the sale? (So the new owners can’t back out).

      If I were you I’d lean towards only offering the original 10% discount since that sounds generous.

      Good luck

    10. Anon for this*

      Take care of YOU. Do what’s best for YOU. You sound very conscientious which is such a good quality, but conscientious people sometimes end up the sucker who get the short end of the stick. Best wishes to you.

    11. lapgiraffe*

      I am so sorry. I was in a similar situation a few years ago and it really takes it toll. I thought it was bad at the time only to realize six months later, in a new place and happy and good, but all of a sudden essentially grieving over the whole process. I had been in survival mode for the five month ordeal, and only once the dust had cleared and I get safe and sound in my home again could I finally emotionally process it all. It’s truly one of life’s most disruptive situations.

      Lots of great advice here already, someone mentioned negotiating with the people you have a current contract with and I’d second that. They are the ones with the incentive to sell, this the incentive to make you happy. It’s not easy because it sounds like you’ve had a nice relationship with them up until now and this threatens to sour that, but know that they are looking out for themselves, not for you, no matter how friendly they have been over the years.

      I also wonder if it’s possible to buy yourself some time in the negotiations, as in the sale can go through but you have three months to vacate so that you have time to find a suitable place. I understand the new owners want the space but a few months should be a reasonable accommodation.

      Also, if this buyer falls through, that’s not on you. Current owners know that selling with a tenant is harder and frankly they should have done more before this to get on your good side before they listed. If your market is such that rents are that high, then your market is strong enough for the owners to find another offer. Stand firm, don’t let any party bully you, and don’t be afraid to reach out for help.

    12. Venus*

      I wonder if the current owners are trying to pay you later because financially they can’t afford a larger amount until they sell. Presumably their realtor will know some options, for example writing it into the contract somehow. Lawyers get paid by the realtor before the sellers get the money, so why not the same guarantee for you?

    14. Rick Tq*

      OP, I hope your meeting went well and the seller made you a decent offer. In any case, your legal rights trump the desire of the buyer to get a bargain apartment for a family member.

      Stand firm for at least the sum recommended by the housing authority with no reductions, and with payment in cash and in full when you release the apartment. Dont’ allow any “we will gladly pay you Tuesday (when escrow closes) for the apartment today” games. The buyer/seller should be willing to pay for your moving expenses, your move-in costs for a new apartment, and a few more dollars compensation for the disruption in your life.

      If that blocks the sale it is NOT your problem to fix.

    15. RagingADHD*

      Look, it’s business. You have to get your feelings out of this. You aren’t being a jerk.

      Your A and B are not your only options. You also have
      C – stay because you can’t afford to move (not being a jerk. You can’t afford it).

      or

      D – Move out when they buy you out properly, and with timely payment.

      Your buyout should be the full amount that you were advised, not 20% lower. If you do choose to discount the price, you should get something in return. What are they offering you to make the discount worth your while? Nothing that I can see.

      They are selling because it is the best financial/business decision for THEM. They are not looking out for you or putting YOUR best interests first. And that’s correct – they aren’t your family. They are landlords.

      If they can’t afford to buy you out, then they need to structure their deal so that they sell the building for one price with a tenant, or a higher price without a tenant, and the difference will cover your buyout.

      You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, and you don’t have to screw yourself over financially in order to be “nice” to your landlords.

      1. SarahKay*

        Seconding RagingADHD’s point that the buyout should be the full amount, or there should be a good reason for you to accept a lower price. Right now it feels to me like the landlords are getting all the positives in this deal.
        The fact that they’re consistently trying to under-offer, and are currently trying to persuade you to accept payment ‘later’ feels absolutely disgraceful to me. Them trying to discourage you from speaking direct to the realtor also sounds very dubious.
        I hope your meeting with them went well, and good luck in whatever you decide.

    16. DEJ*

      Chiming in late here but you have my sympathies OP – I have had two places sold out from under me and it absolutely stinks. I have more respect for how the first landlord handled it than the second, but that’s another story. However, both times I was able to find something else that yes, did cost me more, but in every case was still reasonably priced for the area. So yes, landlords pricing things reasonably do exist, you just have to be a savvy shopper. And please look into whether you qualify for affordable housing, since you mention a fixed income.

      Seconding what others have said that you make sure that you get what you deserve here. With that being said, you do need to get used the idea that your days are very likely numbered in your current apartment.

      1. Don't Know Exactly What To Do*

        Thanks, DEJ. I’m late with this response, but it’s reassuring to hear that someone else has gone through this nonsense and survived it. And I keep reminding myself that when past Worst Things Possible have happened, they’ve led me to some genuinely outstanding and completely unexpected outcomes.

        Also, yes, I do need to overcome my resistance to housing assistance programs. It’s hard to do—I’ve been taking care of my own self and my own needs forever, and I hate admitting that at the moment, maybe I can’t. But I will keep it in my arsenal.

        Thanks again. I appreciate your comment.

    17. Don't Know Exactly What To Do*

      Hi, all. OP here, on Monday evening, March 8. First, thank you all very much for your responses. I really appreciate the depth of thought and the consideration you showed—I hadn’t really expected any responses at all. Just in case you haven’t checked back here for an update, I’ll post this same note again next Saturday.
      It turns out that my city has very specific laws outlining the procedures for a landlord to buy out a tenant in good standing who doesn’t legally have to move. And it seems my landlord/their realtor followed exactly none of these procedures. Such as: their offer is supposed to be in the form of a written contract, and must include informational documents telling the renter of her rights in the matter. It wasn’t and it didn’t. Thus, everything I’ve agreed to in recent weeks is null and void (in this instance, I love that phrase).
      After a long conversation with City Housing today, and on their recommendation, I’ve filed a complaint with that agency for Landlord Using Improper Procedures. The 20%-off buyout amount that I’d previously agreed to has gone away and the buyout amount is now back to 100% of the City’s stated number.
      Part of me hates to file a complaint, but part of me is quietly furious. I was operating in good faith, trying to do what I thought was a nice thing; the attorney I talked to, my prospective future landlord, and the city authorities all told me that my landlord/realtor is not doing the same.
      What happens now is I provide some backup documentation to City Housing, they assign an investigator, and their goal is to straighten this out within 30 days. I’m still okay with moving by April 10, but it WILL be a keys-for-check exchange. Otherwise, I’m not going anywhere!
      Thanks to the experts, and to you who gave me such good advice and so many “attagirl”s, I’m planning on sleeping the whole night through tonight.
      Mil gracias! (And apologies to Alison if I’m monopolizing the chat here. I’ll be much more concise next time.)

  52. Courageous cat*

    Piercings! Anyone still actively getting any? Favorite/least favorite/most painful/least painful/etc? I’m getting my helix (upper ear cartilage) pierced tomorrow and I’m nervous because I’ve never had a cartilage piercing, but I’m excited to start working on my ears since I no longer have any other body piercings.

    1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

      I thought that my belly button piercing was the most painful, UNTIL I got my daith piercing – yikes, that huuurt! I got my belly button pierced about 15 years ago and had to let it close. I got my daith piercing about 2/3? years ago. I’d like to do the opposite side, and I LOVE the look of rook piercings. Hopefully next year.

      1. Bostonian*

        I love my rook piercing. The jewelry I have in there is pretty, and it’s so low maintenance that I forget it’s there- never hurts or gets in the way of anything.

    2. Disco Janet*

      I haven’t had an ear cartilage piercing done, it I have done my nose and YIKES, that was painful. Much more so than my lip. Which I guess makes sense – soft area vs. hard. Now I don’t have either – my line of work doesn’t do piercings, and I find the clear retainers to be too much of an annoyance.

      1. Courageous cat*

        Oddly, I found the opposite – my nostril piercing was anticlimactic and my lip piercing was bordering on excruciating.

    3. peasblossom*

      I’ve gotten 3 helix piercings, one this year, and I had very different experience with them.

      The most recent piercing was a fantastic experience. I got a simple, high-quality, geometric stud, and the piercer used a single-use, straight needle. I cleaned it with a sterile saline spray once a day for the first month and avoided touching it (no rotating! no hats/headphones!). It was pretty sore for the first day after, and tender for a couple of weeks, but pretty much healed (0 pain) within 1 month/1.5 months.

      The other two I got a few years ago, and the experience was (in retrospect) much harder than it needed to be. One of the piercings took nearly 2 years (!!!) to fully heal. Only after did I learn that you should never get a hoop to start out especially for cartilage and that piercing guns can be really traumatizing.

      So my advice: get a stud to start (swap out later), be diligent with saline and try not to ever touch it for the first couple of weeks beyond saline spray, avoid piercing guns if possible.

      1. peasblossom*

        Realizing that wasn’t quite your question! The second helix hoop was really painful; this most recent helix stud sucked in the moment but I definitely wouldn’t call it excruciating. And I looooove all of my upper ear piercings. I’d love to add in a couple more over the next few years.

      2. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

        My Eldest had the opposite problem – the bar for their daith piercing was too short & kept coming undone, and I switched to a hoop as soon as I could. I have a horseshoe now and I like that – I like to fidgit with my earrings.
        I forgot this on my earlier post – get titanium if you can. I’ve found that it makes a huge difference on heal time. Eldest has an EXTREME metal allergy – even gold turns their skin green and cheap metals? Skin bubbling -esh!

    4. HahaLala*

      My helix piercing was definitely more sensitive a lot longer than my lobes.
      I had trouble sleeping for a few days, since I usually like to roll over a bunch and a couldn’t lay on that side.
      The worst pain by far was years later when a hair stylist caught it in her comb and completely pulled out the little hoop— luckily the hoop broke (not my ear!) but it was not pleasant.

    5. Ali + Nino*

      How apropos! I’m actually thinking of re-piercing some piercings I let close up. Here’s my breakdown…
      Favorite – navel (also had this the longest, almost 11 years)
      Least favorite – eyebrow. Also my last piercing. I’d always loved the aesthetic but go figure my body just did not want it in there and I took it out after six months. Still have a little scar (only one person has ever noticed it).
      Most painful – I guess my industrial, just because its two piercings at once (I also got 14g) but mostly due to getting my hair caught on it as someone else mentioned).
      Least painful – earlobe (needle, not piercing gun!)
      What’s next…I’m thinking of getting my extra earlobe piercings first and then moving on to cartilage: I’d like to get my industrial again and I also used to have a rook piercing. I like how the forward helix and daith look, too, and possibly a conch piercing, but the daith and conch look pretty painful!

    6. Bostonian*

      In the long term, I have found ear cartilage piercings to be too much in the way (I’m a side sleeper), so I’ve let 1 plus my tragus close up. But I still have my rook.

      Ear cartilage ddoes take a bit to heal and will be sore for a week or so, but not very painful in the moment. Most painful piercing was definitely nipples, though tongue was pretty bad, too.

  53. Anonforthis*

    I made an appointment with a Dr to hopefully get some antidepressants. I’ve taken them before, years ago and I really did not think that I’d need them again. But in the last week a close friend and one of my (adult) kids has suggested it. So after fighting it for about a week, I admitted that it would be a good idea. In the last year I’ve had three family members and so.many.people in my extended friend group die. I’m at that point where I just can’t anymore.
    I have a tele appt with the doc next week.

    1. nep*

      Lifting you up, sending you love. So sorry for all the loss.
      Good on ya for seeking help. It’s not something everyone’s able to do.
      Peace

    2. Alex*

      I started taking them for the first time six months ago, after years of resisting. I’m so glad I did. I hope you get help and feel better soon.

    3. Teapot Translator*

      As I always tell my friends when they don’t want to take medicine that might help them, “When you break your leg, you don’t say no to the cast or the painkillers.”
      For some of us, taking medication for mental health issues is a life-long journey. For others, they need them at certain points in their life.
      I’m sorry for your loss and I hope the doctor is able to help.

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      If you sprained your ankle and it wasn’t getting better on its own, would you feel bad calling the doctor about it?

      Your brain got sprained. It happens! Sometimes with rest and time it fixes itself, sometimes you need to call the doctor. This time, you need some help. No shame here. Just good sense to take care of yourself.

  54. Alpay*

    Removed. The Turkey thing is someone’s idea of a prank, apparently. (And to the person doing it: I’d rather not spend my weekend dealing with this. Please stop.) – Alison

  55. Potatoes gonna potate*

    I’m living in the land of Wegmans and Wawa. After last week’s discussion on grocery stores, I’m hankering to make a trip to Wegmans and will check out Wawa on next gas run. Any good items I should pick up from there?

    1. Dan*

      My Wegmans stocks dry aged prime beef. It’s not cheap (like $30/lb for rib eye) but damn its good. Also, Wegmans stocks dry scallops. Sushi not bad either. Beer selection way better than average for a grocery store, wine too.

      It’s funny, when you posed the question like that, for me Wegman’s isn’t about “that one thing”, it’s about that for what I need overall, they offer *really good* selections. As a side note, my preferred store doesn’t have as much for “dine in” options that others do. Some Wegmans have (pre-Covid anyway) counters where you can sit on a stool and get borderline restaurant-style service. Mine has/had a pizza station, Mexican station, sub shop, and hot bar, but none of the more “fancier” options.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I hear you. Something about grocery stores, that’s a conversation I can have for hours, its a fascinating topic for me. Since I moved here, I’ve gone to a few different places and make a note of what they offer, Lidl, Shoprite (I’m sure htey had them in my old state, I just never went to one nearby), Livoti’s which is an italian market. I’m a sucker for a great rib-eye, will def check it out.

      2. Wegmans fan*

        I love Wegmans.

        Their premium ice cream is so good. I miss their hot food buffet (pre-covid). They have a good and reasonable wine shop. Their mashed potatoes are amazeballs.

        I am hungry now

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          when we used to go on road trips I loved stopping at Wawas to pick up drinks and stuff in flavors I may not otherwise see in my regular local Target. Yesterday I got to try this pink Mountain Dew from there and I *love* it.

    2. Lizabeth*

      They have the most awesome chocolate cookies in the bakery. Usually sell them in twos. I have never finished one – they are that rich.

      1. CheeryO*

        The ultimate chocolate bakery cookies?! I discovered those recently. They’re sooo ridiculous.

    3. Mary Berry*

      Wawa: coffee, hoagies, ice cream.

      For coffee, I usually get a regular roast with French vanilla creamer or dark roast with Irish creamer. A shorti (6 inch) hoagie is a good size for one person normally and all are totally customizable. And Wawa brand ice cream is just delicious!

    4. Llellayena*

      I don’t go to Wawa, but at Wegmans I get rosemary olive oil bread, Moroccan style cured olives, tzatziki sauce, triple creme brie, coconut ice pops and hard cider.

    5. StellaBella*

      Look for Humboldt Fog cheese from Cypress Grove … it is amazing. Look up the Cyprus Grove website to learn more.

    6. Voluptuousfire*

      I sorely miss both. :(

      I like the mint mocha iced coffee from Wawa and the turkey hoagies they have around the holidays. That’s a treat!

      I mis Wegmans as a whole. I decided that once the pandemic subsides, I’ll keep grocery delivery but will still make the trek to Wegmans just for the glorious was is it.

  56. Jackalope*

    I don’t see it here yet, so starting a gaming thread! What has everyone been playing this week? As usual, this is all kinds of games, including video, board, card, phone, RPGs, etc.

    I finished my run through Fire Emblem Three Houses earlier this week, and am suffering terrible withdrawal. I want to go back in and play again, but I’m not ready to start over with another house and be the enemy of my original house! I enjoyed getting to see the end, though, and seeing what happened to all of my characters post-war.

    1. Claire*

      I’ve been making progress on Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. I started playing in January, but was crap at the combat part of the game so spent a lot of time exploring the world, doing side quests and shrines etc. while running away from anything that wanted to fight. In the last week, though, I’ve finally done the four divine beasts and beaten the blights, and killed my first Lynels.

      I’m reaching the point where I think I might go fight Ganon soon, then buy the DLC to add more into the game while I keep exploring shrines and finding korok seeds.

    2. anon24*

      I finished AC Odyssey last night. I started in November, spent almost 200 hours in game in just a few months.

      I feel such a weird sense of loss.. I got very attached to Kassandra (my character), the land, and even the crew of my ship. The game has gotten me through a lot of winter/work depression and I’ve spent most of my free time putting on music through earbuds with my computer headset over top and just losing myself in my music and the game and I’m so sad it’s over. I’m planning on starting AC Origins and I hope its as beautiful as Odyssey.

      1. LDF*

        Kassandra is… amazing. I don’t blame you one bit.

        I’ve started Valhalla and it’s absolutely beautiful. Technologically-speaking the scenery is probably better than in Odyssey, but frankly England is not as beautiful to me as Greece, not the game’s fault… The bits in Norway were breathtaking though. I would just stop doing anything to look up at the aurora on top of the snowy peaks every once in a while.

      2. Mary Berry*

        AC Origins is my all time favorite AC game. The story and the voice acting can be heartbreaking at times, but it’s a fantastic game. The soundtrack is also beautiful and everytime I listen to it while working it makes me want to replay it.

        I loved the humor in Odyssey, especially dear Barnabas! Valhalla has been a bit of a let down for me; I’m not nearly as attached to Eivor as I was to Bayek or Kassandra.

    3. Nicki Name*

      I think I’m almost finished with the Azure Moon branch of Three Houses (run #3 for me after doing Verdant Wind and Silver Snow). I decided to agree every time a student wanted to change their goals, which was fun for a while but led to some of them having to wait and train for a long while before moving to an advanced class. Next time, back to being a micromanager!

      1. Jackalope*

        I just finished a Crimson Flower run through, so between us we’ve just about played a whole game!

    4. twocents*

      I finished Pikmin 3 Deluxe yesterday and been absolutely consumed by Gnosia today. Highly recommend. If you think Gnosia looks like a game you might like, then get it! It’s a ton of fun.

    5. Yenda*

      I rarely have time for gaming anymore, but I’m finishing up Super Mario Odyssey on Switch. I just made the plunge into the X Box world, so I need some good game suggestions!

      1. Nicole76*

        Have you played Paper Mario on the Switch? My library has a huge collection of games and that’s my favorite Mario one so far.

    6. Nicole76*

      I recently discovered Funko Blitz (on mobile) which is essentially a puzzle matching game that uses Funko Pop characters. Right now they have a Parks & Recreation special event going on and it was fun collecting Jean-Ralphio, Burt Macklin, etc.

  57. Scott*

    I want to start by stating my question sincerely comes from ignorance and wanting to understand, so please don’t flame-spray me. I’m not trying to be controversial, just want to learn others’ perspective. I’ve seen a lot written online (including this blog) about pronoun use but I’ve never personally witnessed any of the behavior I’ve read about. Also, I’m not trying to minimize other’s experience with the bizarre behavior.

    The question: Why do some people who are trans-gender, non-binary, or otherwise not cis-gender (and friends of such people) get so outraged about third-person pronoun use?

    Here is my perspective and FWIW, I am a cis-gender man.
    Example #1: If I am speaking to another person the only pronoun I will use in referring to that person is “you”. I would never ask a my female friend ‘Betty’ “Would she like a cup of coffee?” I would ask “Would you like a cup of coffee?” So what are people doing in using pronouns to “miss-gender” someone? Are they literally walking up to Alex and Betty to butt into a conversation and asking Betty “Why are you talking to HIM?” when they know Alex prefers she/her?
    Example #2: If I overheard Bob speaking to another person about me and they used the pronoun “she”, I would probably just shake my head with a “WTF?”. If I said anything I would ask them why they referred to me as she. If the answer was anything other than a simple error, (e.g., Bob just believes it is their right to call me a she because that’s how they see me) then I would file that under, “Okay, Bob is an asshole” and move on. I would not feel the need to make a scene about it and gather support from others in the area. I would just forever after treat Bob (if I had to interact with him at all) with the knowledge that he is an asshole, unless Bob changes his behavior because he actually realized he is being an asshole. If anyone else asked me why Bob always refers to me as “she”, my answer would be because Bob is an asshole. That’s all. No outrage. I just live my life and do my work without Bob as part of it.

    To be honest, in most of these kind of stories I’ve read seems to me like people are just being very thin-skinned and letting assholes get to them. In my experience, getting outraged at an asshole’s behavior is just what they want and is playing into their hand. If I call them out for being an asshole and walk away, they don’t get the satisfaction of the argument. Arguing with people like this is not going to change their mind.
    What am I missing? Is it just the fact that I’ve not witnessed the behavior firsthand?

    1. Llama face!*

      So, caveat, I am a cis woman who uses the pronouns that people would assume by looking at me. So I don’t have particular experience in this.

      My one observation is about the second part where you say you’d just write people off as a-holes if they deliberately misgender you. I think one of the elements you are missing is the structural or systematic nature of these actions. The misgenderers may be individual jerks but they are also maintaining a system of prejudice and discrimination that is bigger than individual bad behaviour. I think misgendering is a type of microaggression and microaggressions can’t just be perpetually brushed off. They have a cumulative effect and are a part of a larger system at work.

    2. fposte*

      Your gender identity has been legally recognized since your birth, and there’s no systemic challenge to it. Therefore your gender experience isn’t really a good analog. Is there something in your life you have to keep fighting for? An assessment of you that’s wrong but that you keep hearing about? Some part of your identity that’s devalued by society? It won’t be perfect, but it might be a better way of thinking about it. If you don’t have anything like that, does anybody you love?

      I also think “letting assholes get to them” is putting the blame on the victim of the assholes rather than on the assholes. Some people in some situations can shrug things off (and often have to), but that doesn’t mean assholes have no effect, or that sometimes shutting down an asshole isn’t a better response. I like the power of ignoring myself, but it’s not an obligation, and it doesn’t do much for collective change.

      1. Dan*

        It’s as simple as, “I’ve asked you to do (or stop doing) [fill in the blank]. Yet, you insist on doing otherwise for no good reason. Why do you insist on continuing to do [thing] that gets under my skin?” It doesn’t matter the issue, as you point out.

        Heck, when I first started at my current job a few years back, something was up with our HR system. “Daniel” is my legal name, which I do use on official paperwork with the US government and whatever it is internally that has to jive with that.

        However, day-to-day, I go by “Dan”. Calling me “Daniel” to my face (or in an email) is just odd to me. “Daniel” is not my identity, even if it is my legal name. Anybody who addresses me as such is indicating one of four things: 1) They don’t know me well enough to know my “preferred” name, 2) They’re going off of legal paperwork for [reasons], 3) They just don’t care, or 4) They *want* to get under my skin.

        So back to the work thing. My email address got set up with “Dan”. Then, I get an email from HR stating, “uh, some of your paperwork is inconsistent and we need to rectify that. You have “Dan” on lots of your paperwork, but you’ve indicated that “Daniel” is your given legal name. Things need to be consistent.” I wrote back and told them to stuff it, because clearly the systems allow for some deviation (I mean, I did get a “Dan” email account in the first place). I got what I wanted. I would have made an issue of it if I needed to.

        To this day, I’m not sure what that was all about. The HR person I was working with had been with the company for like 20 years, and the place is *huge*. IOW, not the first time they dealt with that. And… at a place this big, insisting that “official” names be used all over the place can get confusing when trying to look people in the company directory. Consider a Chinese person with a super common last name who adopts a Westernized first name. If they have to use the pinyin version of their birth name in the company directory, they’re going to be impossible to find.

        1. fposte*

          I think there’s that, and I also think the issue does matter, in that “I’ve asked you to stop calling me ‘Sweet Tits’ is different from “I’ve asked you to stop calling me ‘efferposte.’”

          For you it might be closer (since you’re been posting long enough for me to know some of your history) to knowing people whose belief in the sanctity of marriage means they insist on your still being married to your ex-wife, addressing everything to Mr. Dan and Mrs. Ex, and refusing to admit you to occasions if you don’t bring her. It’s them insisting you maintain something that was terrible for you because of their worldview.

          1. Dan*

            Which is kind of funny, because my ex hated the wife being seen as a subsurvient role, and I don’t think we ever used the title “Mrs” on anything. I’m quite certain that if anybody ever called her “Mrs”, she’d probably correct them the first time politely, and deck them the second time.

            And when you phrase things the way you are above, the situation moves from “jack ass” territory toward “I impose my world view on everything and everybody”. And let’s be honest, people who subscribe to the One World View theory have a hard time maintaining important relationships (be it friends or work ones.) So when Scott asks, “What’s the BFD?” it gets pretty deep in a hurry.

            1. fposte*

              Heh. Another example of why it can be hard to find an analog.

              I think there are people who subscribe to a One World View, and there are people who would open the door to a Many World View if they realized that the door was there and it’s safe to go through it. The latter are the people I’m likeliest to spend some time on.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Basically what you’re asking here is, “Why does Pat yell OW when someone stomps on their foot? It doesn’t hurt ME when someone stomps on their foot.” Well, yeah, because your foot isn’t being stomped on.

      How about if, instead of demanding to know why it bothers Pat when someone stomps on their foot and why don’t they just walk it off because it’s their own fault for being bothered, maybe you just recognize that it DOES bother Pat when someone stomps on their foot, that it’s totally reasonable for Pat to be bothered by having their foot stomped, and maybe even put in some effort to make this a world with a little less foot-stomping? Geez.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I’m going to try to reply to you gently. Can you think a little bit about why your personal experience as a cis white man isn’t always a good guide to understanding other people’s experiences? In general, not just regarding mis-gendering.

      If someone complains about a systemic situation that causes them harm, analogizing to that one time you mildly suffered a similar experience and it just wasn’t that bad is super misleading. It wasn’t that bad because (a) it doesn’t happen to you regularly, (b) the slight was very mild, (c) it doesn’t really get to your personal identity, (d) you have options, etc. etc.

      I’m going to take you at your word that you are posting this question with good will, but honestly it’s a little bit hard. “I don’t understand why women talk about consent all the time. One time a girl kissed me by surprise and it didn’t bother me.” “I don’t understand why people of color object to racial insults. People have insulted me and it just rolls off my back.” “When my partner started behaving in ways that I didn’t like, I just moved out. Your home life can’t be that bad because you’re still living there.”

      I’m not saying that you say or think these things, but your reasoning here is similar. If you really want to know why mis-gendering is such a big deal, why don’t you do some internet research? There are certainly enough first-person accounts out there.

      1. Not Alison*

        If a person is asking a question because they honestly want to know and are asking our commentariat – how about YOU do the internet research and provide the links instead of responding with a snarky reply.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          I don’t think the comment you’re replying to was snarky, and it’s true that there’s loads of info out there for people to read. No one here has an obligation to educate other people, especially on an issue like this where it’s really pretty easy to educate yourself if you really care to.

        2. Not A Manager*

          I suppose I could have provided links, but what I really meant was, if you want to know what someone who is relevantly-not-like-you feels about something, it’s best to go to the source. Some people replying here might be gender non-conforming, but the cis people who are answering are just explaining something second-hand.

          It’s rude to just go randomly find someone not-like-you and ask them to educate you, but luckily people post first-person experiences all the time. It’s pretty easy to find very moving stories about people who grew up knowing their gender was different from whatever was assigned at birth, and how hard it was for them to come to terms with that and to be believed by people around them. Just that context alone could help Scott – who never had to question his gender assignment or convince other people to honor his actual gender – why “some asshole” calling him “she” is completely different from a co-worker systematically mis-gendering a trans person or a gender non-conforming person.

          If Scott reads further, and sees how small microaggressions can be the precursor to physical danger, or how people have to fight to get proper healthcare, etc., he might see why his personal experience doesn’t generalize.

          1. Jackalope*

            I find Wikipedia helpful for basic facts, but not so helpful for knowing something like the original question here. It doesn’t help you understand why people who are different than you feel the way they do in the same way as hearing it directly from them.

            Im thinking back to my first real learning about racism issues. I’m white and was in a series of planned discussions with people of other races (mostly Black and Native American, although we also had a handful of people from different Asian countries) that had a lot of “educate the white people” elements (which the people of color knew going into it). I’ve since managed to do a lot of research on my own, but without the scaffolding provided by those discussions and the people of color generously sharing their time and experiences, I wouldn’t have known how to go about it or even what to look for. (I remember in particular a discussion on red-lining which was a thing I would never have imagined or known to look up because I didn’t know it existed). So I’m all for people doing research independently, but you have to have a certain amount of base knowledge first in order to even know what to look for. Maybe Scott is in a place like that.

    5. MissCoco*

      I don’t take the questions I’ve read here as being outraged, more as frustrated, discriminated against, and concerned about what other beliefs a person who refuses to use correct pronouns could have. Lots of trans and non-binary people are discriminated against, and people refusing to use their pronouns is one way that happens.
      Also often people can’t just ignore and do their work without discriminatory co-workers, I know I’ve had to work with plenty of people I’d have loved to ignore, but it wasn’t an option if I still wanted my job.

      I’m cis, but I have had my gender identity questioned, and while it made me think “that person is an a-hole asking questions that are none of their business in a professional setting” it also made me think “wait, I thought my gender identity was clear and people agreed with who I am? Maybe I am doing gender wrong? What made that person not see me as my gender?”

      It was actually very surprising how invalidated I felt and how much it put my expression of gender into doubt. And I say that as a cis person who has never experienced gender dysphoria. I would suggest you reconsider your example with a more open mind to how it would feel to have your gender repeatedly denied even after you and management tried to correct it.

      As to the 2nd person thing. I don’t think anyone has a problem with “you” but in the work place MANY conversations involve more than me and one other person, and are often about things that multiple people are working on. I cannot think of how many times in meetings with someone has said things to the effect of “MissCoco did the thing and she’ll have an update next week.” It’s just really common to use pronouns in front of people.

    6. pancakes*

      Since you say haven’t personally witnessed any such interactions, I’m wondering whether the “stories” you’re reading are unbiased accounts or whether they’re meant to make people who get misgendered seem inordinately thin-skinned. I wonder, too, where you’re reading this stuff. The letters to this blog from people who find themselves repeatedly misgendered by colleagues might give you a different sense of how these types of interactions tend to take place and why they upset people.

      To my eye you are trying to minimize other people’s experiences, since you seem to believe people who get misgendered often react improperly and ineffectually by “making a scene,” by arguing, and/or by continuing to interact with people you would simply stop interacting with. None of it sounds true-to-life when I think about what friends have experienced. I have a non-binary friend who arrived at a party at a mutual friend’s place, for example, and told us that on their walk there from the subway, a man in a car pulled over and tried to ask all sorts of prying questions about their gender and who they’re sexually attracted to. If you’ve never been heckled by a stranger about what’s in your pants or who you sleep with I’m not sure you can say exactly how you’d feel about it. My friend told this guy that none of this was his business, but he kept trying to pry. I’ve been heckled by lots of random guys on the street on numerous occasions but not quite like that, and it sounded really unsettling.

    7. D3*

      People can let assholes get to them when assholes target them.
      Especially assholes they CAN’T get away from.
      Especially when those assholes are numerous and repetitive. (in your example, you’re dealing with one person and one incident. Try a lifetime of multiple issues from multiple people! It’s a VERY different thing.)
      Especially when those deliberate misgendering incidents represent a belief system that targets your very existence as evil. A belief system that encourages mistreatment to the point of MURDER.
      What you are missing is COMPASSION. The willingness to understand that not everyone has the good circumstances that you do. You are measuring everything against how you – who do not have a clue what it’s like to experience anything other than complete acceptance – could handle it.
      So stop judging how thin their skin is and tell them to let the onslaught roll off their backs when you cannot bring yourself to acknowledge the huge burden they are already dealing with.

    8. KeinName*

      The emphasis on pronouns in settings were you would predominantly talk directly to people and not about them also confuses me a little sometimes.
      However, even as a cis woman I can understand how exhausting it can be to encounter ‚assholes‘ every day of your life, multiple times a day. If you are trans or nonbinary, you encounter so much violence and discrimination in the course of just going through life (there are statistics! worst case is you die because some asshole comes along) that you will not see this as individual acts of individual assholes who randomly are assholes.

    9. Dark Macadamia*

      (cis/she) I don’t think most people DO get “so outraged” when they’re misgendered. Hurt, frustrated, demoralized, tired, angry, concerned for their rights and safety? Yes. Those are all completely reasonable, proportionate responses to the experience of being repeatedly marginalized, dismissed, erased, or discriminated against.

      People who confront misgendering aren’t arguing or trying to change someone’s mind, they just want the very basic respect of being referred to accurately. It is truly NOT difficult to use someone’s correct pronouns, or at least to quickly apologize and correct yourself when you don’t. The bar is on the floor and it’s exhausting how many people refuse to reach it.

    10. Anon Lawyer*

      You never talk to more than one person at once? Like you’re never in a group with two other people and Bob says “oh Scott lent me his blender” in your hearing? I have a hard time believing this is a good faith inquiry when it starts with the premise that people don’t often refer to other people in their presence.

    11. Anon here*

      I have a non-binary employee who is really retiring about it and doesn’t make a fuss and doesn’t get outraged, but I want all their colleagues to be polite, it’s that simple. I want a respectful and professional workplace for all. At some point, it seems like these people who are making a point of misgendering are really being hostile. We’ve certainly had letters from people who say something like, “My name is Sam but my co-worker decided to call me Sasha because she likes it better, and every time she calls me Sasha she looks at me funny, and it’s really bugging me because my name is Sam”, or the next step “My name is Preeti but my co-worker has decided to call me Patty because he says my name is too long and complicated and he can’t remember it…” Like, at some point this stuff is rude and bizarre and not respectful or professional.

      Worse, people who are not conforming re: gender are more likely to be sexually harassed or fired or otherwise mistreated. Just as woman know the guy who slaps them on the derriere at the office is one to watch for further misbehavior, the person who intentionally and repeatedly misgenders you is testing the boundaries of how much misbehavior they can get away with. This type of maltreatment often escalates. In your example, it’s unlikely your bad co-worker can get others to get you fired or drive you out with a hostile environment, but it’s quite common when we’re talking about gender, sex, and sexual preference.

    12. Person from the Resume*

      Dude, seriously!

      You’re a CIS-man. If an asshole calls you “she” you have a much easier time of laughing it off because it’s not an attack on your gender identity. You’ve always just accepted the default “he” and never gave it any thought at all. A trans or non-binary person has realized something felt wrong, figured out what it was, went through a whole coming-out/disclosing process which opened them to attacks by homophobes. Purposeful Misgendering is an attack and insult to the person being misgendered.

      Is there anything someone could call you that would upset and insult you? Maybe you don’t care about what people say about you but that’s not “normal” for humans. Do you think people who are called racist or ethnic slurs should just dismiss the person doing the name calling assholes and let it roll off their back?

    14. Chuck*

      I’m a trans man and I have yet to witness anyone being outraged over being called “you” so let’s remove that from the equation. In fact I would say outrage doesn’t factor into the experience of being misgendered so much as pain and exhaustion.
      Early in my transition I was misgendered every day multiple times a day. When you’re subject to that level of daily microagression you become sensitised to the experience. It’s like rubbing a scoring sponge on your skin. At first it won’t hurt but the longer it goes on the more painful it becomes. So after a day where I have been misgendered 50 times, corrected people 50 times, had to make a bunch of uncomfortable descisions like which is the safest bathroom to use today and my Aunt calls me ‘she’and I flip out and shout at that response is a reaction to the cumulative effect of the daily stress. 5 years on I get gendered correctly nearly 100% of the time and so my reaction to being accidentally misgendered is closer to mild irritation or even amusement because it’s so off base with how I look (bald and bearded). But that only changed when my perception of myself began to match the way I was percieved by others because I was free from the daily stress of fighting for basic recognition.

    15. Chuck*

      As for malicious, purposeful misgendering it can literally take the form of someone going out of their way to misgender you to your face even though it wouldn’t be conversationally natural. You’re also missing the part of the experience where after maliciously or accidentally misgendering someone and being called out on it the person perpetrating the misgendering denies intent and claims it’s just because it’s too hard to remember/they’re trying really hard / it’s your fault for not passing well enough and mudies the emotional water where you can’t even just tell yourself that they’re a jerk because the blame has been placed back on you. Often times this will be coming not just from random members of the public but from your nearest and dearest. It’s not that easy to reframe your grandmother who sung nursery rhymes to you and snuck you cookies when you were little as simply being a jerk. So that level of constant rejection from people who previously you have viewed as loving can cause a cognitive dissonance that is not easy to shake off.

      1. allathian*

        Thank you for explaining so thoroughly. I can’t pretend to understand exactly how it would feel to face this sort of mistreatment on a daily basis, because I’m privileged to be mostly accepted as I am. As a cishet white female, nobody has ever questioned my gender identity. I did go through a period in my freshman year at college when I had a very short buzz cut, wore mostly lumberjack shirts, jeans, and Doc Marten boots. It took me a while to realize why I was suddenly being hit on by women…

    16. FrozenSky*

      I’m not trans (I’m a cis woman) so I won’t speak on behalf of trans people. I am queer however and have been in relationships with people of different genders over the years.
      A few years ago, my then partner and I had an appointment at our local authority to apply for a benefit. The clerk serving us kept referring to my partner as a ‘he’ even though my partner was a woman. We corrected the clerk a few times, pointed to my partner who is clearly female, but they were clearly disapproving of our same sex relationship and were comfortable in their position of power to disregard us. It hurt, made us feel invalidated as a couple, and powerless in a situation where we needed that person to be on our side. It brought up feelings of shame and other instances where we had been insulted, disrespect and even attacked. Years later the memory still makes me feel hot and angry.

      Had my partner at the time been a cis man, we would have been read as a ‘normal’, hetero couple. If the clerk misgendered my male partner in that instance, I would have thought it as odd and I would have been really confused, but it wouldn’t have caused all these feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, shame and ultimately anger caused caused by repeated similar experiences.

      I hope this helps you see how a seemingly innocuous experience can have a completely impact on a person depending on history and context.

    17. lemon meringue*

      On the one hand, everyone has some things that bother them more than others, including trans and non-binary people. Not every trans or non-binary person finds the pronoun issue particularly bothersome. I’m sure there are some things that really make you annoyed or upset that others wouldn’t think is a big deal. This is one of the differences between actually interacting with people in real life and reading a few second-hand stories about them on the internet. Keep in mind that anyone who doesn’t have issues with others using the wrong pronouns is going to be under-represented in an advice column.

      On the other hand, pronoun misuse is more serious in the trans and non-binary community than the cis community, in part because it is a pretty good proxy for a baseline level of respect. As some of the stories on this site have shown, it can sometimes be a pretty short road from persistently calling a trans person by the wrong name or pronouns to actively harassing them. When you have to navigate a world in which you know a segment of the population believes you don’t have a right to exist, there is more of a risk to not taking these kinds of indicators seriously.

  58. Ali G*

    Can anyone recommend a good hip and joint supplement for dogs? There are so many to choose from! Has anything worked for your pup?

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Our senior bud takes dasuquin and he’s got plenty of spring in his step! Recommended by his vet and by his rescue’s FB group. We started him on it after realizing he had a tougher time than usual with the stairs in the house we rented at the beach. It’s been about two months now, no issues.

    3. NoLongerYoung*

      Ali, others – is this for arthritis? best-dog-ever was diagnosed with arthritis/ stiff joints this morning, and glucosamine was recommended. I’m about to start researching – but if this is the same stuff, I’ll follow here!!

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Dasuquin is glucosamine, chondroitin and MSM– which is what I take myself. Mine isn’t a yummy chewable treat, though.

      2. Ali G*

        Yes! Stiffness, especially when getting up and he’s hesitating on stairs which is causing him stress. I ended up with the Dasuquin. Thanks!

    4. Nana*

      Have you / can you consider acupuncture? Friend’s elderly dog has it regularly and it really works. [Don’t know if vets outside of CA offer it – ha.]

    5. Reba*

      Our mutt is also on Dasuquin, which is what the vet recommended. She is 10 and still moves really well! She takes the chewable tablets just fine, but the brand also makes more treat-like chews if your dog is picky.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Canine Joint Works. It also has glucosiame in it.

      My guy is a bouncing boy. He jumps around, twists all over, rolls around and is basically reckless. At age 5, he did something careless and reeeeally hurt himself. Within 12 hours he went from bouncing all over to not being able to stand up.
      A vet-chiro came and among other things she put him on CJW. She gave him stuff for calming so he was not so off-the-wall as well as stuff to help his current injury. The CJW turned out to be the long haul product. I have a whole lot less drama/upset here. He has not required another emergency appointment due to injury for the seven years I have kept him on it. If I try taking him off of it, he will start to have tell-tale minor problems that if left unchecked could become bigger discomforts in a while.
      A year’s worth of CJW costs me about $80. And it saves me hundreds in vet bills for Mr. Bouncy. At 12 years old he can still make some amazing flying leaps and go up on his hind legs to catch a toy mid-air.
      One thing I do is make sure the bowels keep working. Just like in humans messed up bowels seem to go together with hip discomfort.

    7. Anono-me*

      I got people supplements (correct dosage for my puppy’s weight). The same pills as a family member was using at the time. It was easier and surprisingly it was also cheaper.

      You also may want to look into massage therapy.

    1. Not A Manager*

      I’ve finished an afghan for a friend, up to the VERY LAST ROW. I’ve been putting that off for a week. Something about the final product isn’t pleasing to me, and I’ve been kind of thinking about it and kind of trying to talk myself into it being okay.

      Today I went to just finish the damn thing, and when I was looking at it, I figured out how to make it more pleasing. It only involves removing and replacing a few rows at the very top, so it’s not completely bananas. I’m going to sit with the idea for a little while and then I’ll re-do those rows.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      I stained the outside and painted the inside of my book nook’s walls this week, with only one mishap that was fixed with an extra coat of stain. I spent awhile agonizing over how to get the ombre effect I want on the walls before finally realizing that I just need a wider paintbrush, so I picked one up today. Once the background looks good I can finally get to assembling the 3D part :)

    3. Yenda*

      I’m trying to find the motivation to finish up a shawl I’m crocheting. Only 3 rows left, but I’m just mentally done with it.

    4. Lifelong student*

      I bought some yarn that I really don’t like- but I have 6 jumbo skeins. After several days of looking at patterns, starting a few, and finding out that the yarn just didn’t work for them, I started an afghan. It is going slowly because I do not find it interesting- but I will keep on so as not to waste the yarn. I will be happy to be able to buy yarn in person again! If supplies ever come back to what they used to be. There are colors I have used for years I just can’t find anymore.

    5. NoLongerYoung*

      I finished the baby afghan I was crocheting (my first item after dishclothes and yes, it bears a great resemblance to a big, fluffy dishcloth!) and – more importantly – I managed to stuff it in one of those flat rate boxes at the post office yesterday and get it sent before the baby outgrows it. For me, those last steps seem the hardest!

    6. Colette*

      A couple of years ago, I cut up a bunch of old jeans to make a quilt – and then it got set aside due to other priorities. I picked it up again this week.

    7. Dancing Otter*

      I had to rip out half my progress on my latest fingerless mitt because I twisted the cables a row late. This came after ripping out everything I had done originally because the yarn just wasn’t working. Gloves should not stand up by themselves.
      By I’m working on the mitts because I finished my second pair of socks yesterday, so that was good.

  60. Marie*

    My sister and her husband asked if they could store some items at my house because they don’t have room in their apartment. They have some boxes with Christmas decorations, board games, etc. My sister recently brought back some Christmas decorations to be stored in my house, but said that they noticed that their allergies were bad when they had the decorations in their home. I used to have a cat and she blamed it on that since my cat was around the area where things are stored.

    Now the cat was only in the area because he was older and couldn’t handle a lot of people. My sister was the one who got rid of her storage unit in order to save money. She asked if she could store things in my house and I said yes, but I feel a little hurt by her comments. I feel bad because I don’t want anyone to have allergy issues, but it’s like, well, then move your stuff out?

    Any thoughts on how to remedy this? She and my brother-in-law could make complaining and nitpicking a sport, so I’m not expecting anything to change here.

    1. Not A Manager*

      I’d respond to the face value and ignore the rest. “Sorry your allergies acted up. I can’t keep the cat away from the area, so you’ll have to decide about your storage based on that information.”

      1. tangerineRose*

        Yes. This. She is getting free storage. If she doesn’t want cats around her stuff, she can store things elsewhere or give away some of her stuff.

    2. Myrin*

      Unless I’m misreading, your cat isn’t with you anymore? If that’s correct, I’m not sure what there is to “remedy” – is your sister going to bring this up every time now despite him being gone? Because if so, I don’t think you should feel bad about saying something similar to what you’ve said here – you are, after, all, doing her a favour, and if she doesn’t like the conditions of that favour, she is welcome to simply rent another neutral storage unit.

    3. fposte*

      So you have a choice of listening to them complain about the cat allergy or listening to them complain about your not letting them store stuff at your house? Fun.

      It’s family so I’d be inclined to go blunt. “You knew I had a cat and you still asked me for this favor, and now you’re complaining about a situation you walked into. I’ve saved you thousands of dollars doing this for you. I’m not going to do you this favor if you bitch at me about it. Do you want to complain or do you want me to house your belongings? Pick one.”

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      You did your sister a favor, now she’s being unkind. I personally would revoke the favor. Or at least, no more favors in future. Her behavior is entitled and rude.

    5. Not A Manager*

      Ah, I see that you *used* to have a cat. Welllllllll. It depends on how much this type of thing bugs you. You can just be bland and sort of grey rock these remarks. “Wow, allergies suck.”

      Or, when she complains again about allergens, you could say, “Sister, I have no idea what’s in my house that’s setting you off, but allergies are serious business and this really worries me. I think you’d better store your things elsewhere just to be safe. No, no, I insist. If you or your husband became ill because of something you stored here, I would never forgive myself.”

    6. WellRed*

      I’m not really seeing the big deal. She commented about her allergies. You mentioned the cat. And? Has she been complaining ever since? Why are you hurt?

      1. Nicole76*

        What was the point of the sister even mentioning what happened though? It comes across as ungrateful & unnecessarily critical with no end goal other than to try and guilt trip her sister and/or play the victim since the cat is no longer there. Based on how the OP said they could make complaining a sport I’d be peeved as well.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Yet another classic example of people not taking ownership of their own actions.
      She KNEW you had a cat.
      She knew she was allergic.
      So that means go ahead and store things at your place anyway?

      I am amazed you did not say, “I’m sorry. I mistook you for a thinking person.”

      My husband used to say of free things: “What do you want SOMETHING for nothing?” Tell her she got what she paid for. And let her know that you will remind her not to store things at your place again, so this way she never has to worry about allergies from your place.

      I had a relative borrow something from me. When I asked for it back, they jawdroppingly said NO. Uh, the item is MINE. The item was of practical use, but also of sentimental value to me. Silently to myself, I said, “That’s it. Done. Over. I will out right give you things, but you will never, ever “borrow” anything from me again.” And I stuck to that plan like glue.

      Like you show here my example tied into a bigger picture with common threads. In my situation the common thread was entitlement. “Poor me. Everyone should just give me things, because poor me.” They never returned the item, it’s been 25 years now. I have cause to believe the item has left their possession.

      Take this event here and use it to redefine how you will handle things with your sis. Of course it stings, you gave her something (space in your house) and she came right back and told you how it wasn’t good enough. Yep. That’s an ouch. Vow to handle things differently from here forward.

  61. Nearly advanced maternal age*

    Spouse & I’ve decided to start trying for kids (TTC) this June (hopefully we’ll be vaccinated then). But we’re in our mid30s & due to family history of stillbirths/miscarriage we can’t really wait another year. Is there anything you wish you did pre-TTC (that’s still feasible nowadays during Covid?) Read books etc.?

    I finished writing a screenplay & a bunch of short stories plus I’m entering more writing competitions as a fun project.

    1. Potatoes gonna potate*

      So…I had a surprise pregnancy at age 34, delivered at 35. Only thing I could have wished for was to be in better physical condition. Not chronically lethargic and carrying an extra 30-40 lbs etc. Very ironic since when I was doing all the things that they tell you to do to be healthy, I couldn’t conceive or I miscarried. God’s will/magic/baby dust/and all that.

      Oh and I wish I had devoted more time to my creative hobbies like painting and drawing. I used to do them in high school but stopped around college time. But as it was I was working 45-50 hours a week (including commute) and on weekends I just wanted to veg out. Not saying you can’t after the baby’s here, esp with creativitiy inspiriation strikes at any time.

    2. Ranon*

      Not fun, but get term life insurance- underwriters don’t treat pregnancy weight gain any differently and it can impact rates. Get wills and estate planning stuff straightened out.

    3. fhqwhgads*

      If you haven’t already, get carrier testing done before you start trying. It can be annoyingly long to get the results.

    4. Jules the First*

      A few things come to mind:
      – talk about how you plan to parent. We all have our own ideas about the right/wrong way to parent based on what our parents did, and we often assume that everyone has the same ideas. So talk about bedtimes, discipline, eating/weaning, diapers, etc. and settle on a way forward while there’s no screaming small human to complicate the discussion.
      – a few sessions with a counsellor can really help prepare you as individuals and as a couple for the emotional side of ttc or miscarriage. In my experience, there was nothing so disorienting as being told I’d struggle to conceive and then succeeding at the first attempt (I’m thrilled now, but the first few months were really rough)
      – do spontaneous things. After baby arrives, it will get so much more complicated to just go for a drive or out to a movie, or even just crack a nice bottle for the fun of it.
      – enjoy having your partner all to yourself. That’s never going to happen again, because once you get pregnant, there will be the baby (even when the baby is not in the room). So talk about what makes you feel loved and appreciated, and vice versa and get good at doing those things for each other. (Also – no one warned me how strongly I’d “know” this baby while it was still inside me, which can be hard on a partner as well because they haven’t got that inescapable physical connection and can feel excluded)
      – have fun and do borderline stupid stuff because it sounds like fun. Having a baby changes your attitude to risk pretty instantly, so if there’s anything out there that you will regret never having tried, go try it.
      – and finally, remember that sex is fun…when you start ttc, there will be days where it feels like a chore or you’re not in the mood, so having a toolkit of things you know you enjoy as a couple can be a real relationship-saver.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Discuss the diaper thing early and make sure to tell the grandparents while no pregnancy hormones are raging. Feelings can run surprisingly high on cloth vs disposable.

  62. MCL*

    My husband tested positive for covid earlier this week. Unfortunately we have only one bathroom, but he has totally isolated in our bedroom and only comes out for potty breaks. I basically leave whatever he needs at the door and go elsewhere while he collects it. I have tested PCR negative twice in the last couple of days, but I definitely could have it at this point. I will need to quarantine during his illness and then starting again after his last day of being contagious. We are both in our late 30s and extremely cautious made wearers, and it’s a vexing mystery where he picked it up. He’s pretty miserable and I’m just trying not to get too anxious. We have a long-hauler friend and trying not to dwell on that too much either. I would love some stories of people who shared a home with a covid positive person and made it through without getting it.

    1. Laura H.*

      All I can say is it will pass. And to be honest, I think you ought to be taking some precautions as though you have it as well- wash your hands extra and wear your mask when you’re prepping stuff for your spouse. Keep a bit more of an attentive feel on yourself as well.

      I hope your spouse feels better and that you don’t catch it, but please don’t beat yourselves up over this.

      Illness happens and it’s not a moral judgement on you. (I had Covid months ago (taking the precautions as best I could) and mentioned it on a thread; one commenter said this and it helped me feel way less crappy about catching it, so I hope it helps others.)

      Be gentle with yourself and try not to stress. All the air hugs if you want them. :)

      1. MCL*

        Oh, for sure. I am constantly sanitizing and even wearing a mask when I am not in my own dedicated bedroom/office. I wear gloves when I handle his dirty dishes and sanitize everything as well as I can. I’m really trying not to get too caught in a negative spiral – I was literally days away from being able to get a shot, and we have been so very careful all year. :(

    2. anon24*

      I had Covid in December. My first test was negative and my symptoms were very mild, so I didn’t think I had Covid at first. To be safe, I still stayed at home, but I didn’t quarantine from my spouse. After 5 days of sleeping in the same bed, sharing a bathroom, basically normal life, I lost my sense of smell and I tested again and tested positive. At that point we didn’t even bother trying to separate from each other in the apartment and he remained asymptomatic throughout his quarantine period and tested negative.

      1. MCL*

        That’s great to hear, I’m sorry you were sick but glad he didn’t get it. He tested negative the last week of Feb just as a routine test. He was feeling sore Monday evening, but we had just been outside all day Sunday and just figured it was from that. Tuesday he started feeling mildly more under the weather, got a test on the way home, but we spent some time cooking together before deciding we’d better sleep in different rooms. Glad we at least did that because his positive result came in Wednesday afternoon. We’re really trying hard to keep it contained, the waiting until I can get tested to know more is really difficult for me! I had a routine test on Monday, and then I tested again on Wed right after he got his results, and again yesterday afternoon. All negative, but I really have to test again on Monday, and then I’m planning to test every 2-3 days after that. Right now, every little tweak in my body is making me very alert. I’m not really panicking or anything, I’m sleeping fine and feel fine, just… waiting until something happens. Once the initial scramble to get him isolated and figure out what we needed for groceries happened, now I’m just kind of bored and marking time!

    3. Pentapus*

      My husband and daughter had presumtive COVID (before there was widespread testing where we live). 700sq ft apt, one bathroom. No one took any special precautions (we each have our own toothpaste, and we don’t share towels- like hand towels in the bathroom). But hubby &I shared the bed & bedroom. I sailed through completely symptomless, not a sniffle or difficult breath.

      1. MCL*

        I’m glad you made it through okay! We have an about 800 Sq Ft home so similar size. We do have a semi-finished basement that I could hang out in if it were warmer, but there’s no bed down there and the basement heating isn’t great unfortunately. I took my toothbrush/paste, towel, and such out of the bathroom.

    4. Not A Manager*

      Anecdotally, I know two couples where one person had COVID and the other person showed no symptoms at all, ever. I know another couple where both people tested positive, but one was uncomfortably ill for about five days and the other was “under the weather” but wouldn’t have known she even had a virus absent the test.

      1. MCL*

        That’s good to hear. My husband started feeling sick Tuesday, Friday was his worst day so far, and he’s still feeling sick but not “as sick” today (Saturday), and he hasn’t been coughing which I hope holds. I know this can cycle but I really hope he’s entering the upswing.

    6. It's Quarantime!*

      I’m so sorry you guys are going through this. :( I have been doing the same frustrating dance of trying So Hard and being So Close to qualifying for immunization and just barely missing that finish line. I’m still struggling with fatigue, anxiety, and brain fog, but I’m starting to believe there may be life after covid.
      My brother had covid in October, and he quarantined in the bedroom. None of the rest of his family got sick. And now my bother says any lingering symptoms have passed.
      I want to echo what a kind reader shared with me. This is not something you guys did, but rather something that happened to you. You are not to blame and it’s easier to judge a person than it is the virus itself.
      Another kind reader suggested that I reach out to the EAP team through my work and they are helping me find a counselor. If you have any options for assistance and support please don’t hesitate to contact them.

    7. Filosofickle*

      My partner, who I live with, had a mild case in January and I didn’t get it! Or, more accurately, I didn’t test positive. I did have some light cold-like symptoms that started a few days after he got sick. We never even separated other than not kissing, because by the time we knew he had it (lost taste/smell) it had already been a week and it seemed kind of pointless. I assumed I was already infected and acted as such. But we should have done a little more. One night, I realized he was breathing a foot from my face for hours and it freaked me out.

      It was frustrating that my quarantine was so much longer than his! As you note, your period starts at the end of his. He was free within days of his diagnosis, and I still had two weeks to go. FWIW my doctor actually said I didn’t need to do that since it had already been two weeks of isolation for the two of us. I did 10 more days of total isolation except for walks w/masks.

      We also don’t know where he got it. Literally the options are: a hike (masked near people), the grocery store (everyone masked but not distanced), and a takeout meal where we were inside for 15 minutes (masked + distanced). I read that it’s more likely to get a really mild case when it is contracted via passing contact — the viral load is lighter. That theory matches why he had a mild case and I didn’t get it, or got it even more lightly.

      1. Filosofickle*

        Note: What I called cold-like symptoms were the same as my allergies. Just a little sinus stuff. I really don’t know if it was a coincidence or not.

        Wishing you luck!

    8. E. W.*

      My daughter picked up covid from daycare in December—since she was still under 2, we did not isolate from her. I was a little nervous because I was/am pregnant, but neither me nor my husband caught it (took many tests to confirm). If it makes you feel any better my sister-in-law works in a covid clinic and said it is EXTREMELY common for only part of the household to get it, even when you’re not isolating from them. It’s just such a weird virus that it can spread like wildfire or…not. Good luck!

    9. Fellow Traveller*

      Our third child had COVID – she’s a year old. No one else in our family of five tested positive and we didn’t really isolate from her because… well, she’s a baby. I mean she was still nursing four or five times a day. My physician brother’s theory was that someone asymptomatically had it and passed it to her and then the virus passed from them before she got sick. She had a fever, which is why we all got tested in the first place.
      It’s really a mysterious thing.

    10. Turtlewings*

      When my sister caught it, we thought it was all but inevitable that at least some among her family (husband and three small children) would get it, but none of them did! They also had only one bathroom, she was still breastfeeding the baby, and it just wasn’t possible to isolate. Her husband took over everything possible, she wore a mask all the time and washed her hands constantly. It may have helped that she was all but asymptomatic. It’s possible the oldest child picked it up — he had a couple days where he suddenly coughed a lot — but by the time they got tested, everyone was negative, even the baby who had to be nursed. Very, very lucky, but apparently it’s possible!

    11. Chilipepper*

      My husband had it last August. He was quite ill, had myocarditis, and spent a few days in the hospital. He tested positive for a month. And I never got it.

      He is 100% now, no long hauler issues.

      We did what you are doing – a sort of self isolation in the home. It worked for us to keep me from getting it.

    12. Workerbee*

      My husband tested positive in January, and we’ll probably never know how or where he got it. By the time he thought he should call the doctor for his fever and cough, it was already a week in. He never lost his sense of taste or smell nor had any other symptoms. His bout lasted almost three weeks, it was a huge struggle trying to get him to eat or at least drink something during it, and he was fatigued for about a week after the fever and cough went away (which they did overnight, suddenly). He is not a long hauler, at least not overtly.

      I didn’t bother isolating myself since I was already exposed. What I “got” was a mean, mean head cold that lasted as long as his COVID did. Didn’t lose taste or smell either, no coughing. I didn’t drag myself in for testing because it was enough trying to take care of a whole adult person with a scary disease, plus my own sickly adult person, plus still work online, take care of the pets, get the sudden hideous amounts of snow removed, etc.

      But you get through it. It’s just all very strange!

    13. Not So NewReader*

      I have a few stories of people who were fine in the long term.
      Friend and wife. Wife got it from work. Friend never caught it. They have a small house so it seemed like he was destined. And then nothing happened. Wife pulled through in good shape and went back to work.
      Cohort’s child. Child was exposed. The whole household quarantined and tested as they were told to do. No one got it.
      Older friend and adult child. Adult child got it. Older friend quarantined and tested as told. Older friend never got it.

      My list goes on and on like this.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, my husband got exposed, but he was wearing a PFF2 mask at the time, and it was only for about 20 minutes in a well-ventilated space at least 5 meters from each other. We quarantined for 14 days and got tested, and nothing. We weren’t particularly careful about isolating from each other, but we sleep in separate bedrooms anyway. I disinfected door handles etc. once a day. But neither of us wore a mask at home…

    14. RagingADHD*

      My husband has 2 work colleagues where one spouse had covid and the other didn’t. I don’t know that they did anything special other than the same kind of precautions you’re talking about.

      That’s part of what makes this virus so troubling and bewildering – one person can catch it without any known exposures, despite precautions, and then someone else might NOT catch it when living in the same house.

    15. MCL*

      Thanks, everyone. Writing this on Monday. I submitted another PCR test today per my doctor’s request (luckily I work for a big state university where testing is free, easy, and fast for students and employees). I am still feeling fine with no symptoms or fever. My husband’s temp went up and down through the weekend and was hovering just about 102 at the highest, and today he’s down to 100. He doesn’t seem to be coughing too much, but I do hear short bouts every couple of hours. He had almost no appetite over the weekend. On Saturday I left a gallon of drinking water and a bunch of gatorade at his door, a sleeve of crackers, and some unsalted pretzels, so that he wouldn’t depend on me for food and water and to limit the dishes coming back out of the sick room. He ate a little plain chicken broth on Saturday but graduated to some toast today, so I’m happy he’s at least a little hungry. The only other thing he’s regularly eating is half a grapefruit in the morning and a little banana. He was feeling nauseous on Friday so I got a bunch of BRAT diet items but he thinks it might actually have been from the ibuprofen he was taking (he switched to tylanol and nausea resolved). If I get a negative test result later today and keep feeling okay, I will allow myself to be cautiously optimistic.

      It’s really been a struggle to process my feelings about this. We have been following the rules. Conversely, my sister and her husband are regularly getting together with friends for indoor meals and flying for vacation getaways, and they are just fine. Of course I’m happy that my sister and BIL are healthy, I am just so sad that my husband got this after we’ve been so careful. We were on a private cabin getaway in a rural area starting on Wednesday of the week before he started feeling sick, so he either picked it up at work before we left (he has a private office with a door and masks in all common areas, very few people on-site), at the bait shop he was in for like 5 minutes (everyone masked), or like… a surface at the cabin or on a gas station pump. We were ice fishing, by ourselves – can’t get more distanced than that. He went into zero gas stations or other places, just the car and the cabin, and we were together almost constantly.

  63. Nacho*

    How do you get people to stop parking in your spot? I’ve got a reserved parking space in my condo which sits empty since I don’t have a car. For the moment, I don’t mind if people park there (which happens pretty frequently), but I’m going to get a new car in a few weeks, so it’ll need to stop once that happens.

    2. LDF*

      Are these people you know, that asked you about parking there? If so, just drop them a line when you get a car. Otherwise, start blocking your spot with a cone.

    3. PollyQ*

      Since you’ll be changing your “policy”, it’s a good idea to put up a sign (you can get it laminated at a print store) now that as of [whenever], you’ll be using this spot and will no longer allow other people to use it themselves. Ask your condo org how they deal with people in your spot. In some buildings, you’d just call for a “trespass tow”, which the towing company handles and then charges the fee to the person whose car was towed.

    4. Lizabeth*

      We had problems with people using our spot and we have a car! And it’s marked! Argh…..

      We ended up printing out a note asking them not to park in our spot politely using packing tape to position it in the middle of the windshield on the driver’s side. Depending on how pissed off the SO was determined how much tape was used. Usually it works, because we kept track of the license plates for awhile to see if there were repeat offenders. There wasn’t.

    6. Turtlewings*

      I think the suggestions of a sign, and then warning notes, are great ideas. People have been assuming it’s not a problem because, well… it hasn’t been a problem. Most of them will stop when they realize the situation has changed. If someone doesn’t, that’s when you call for a tow.

    7. Dancing Otter*

      We had outdoor parking with the unit numbers painted on each space. We still got interlopers. The deal the board had with the towing company meant that if we called them and the car was moved before they arrived, we were responsible for the cost. So we had to get creative.

      In cold weather (Midwest winter), my then-husband took a bucket of water, and poured it on the windshield and doors. If they were still there in half an hour, he got another bucket and really tried to get the door locks. No permanent damage, and there would be frost anyway, so no proof of malice….

    8. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

      I’ve lived in this condo for 20+ years, and had the issue a few times. Usually it was a one off – new people that didn’t realize that it was specifically my spot (hoa was NOT good about painting the numbers). But we got some neighbors that were /something/ else. Husband was friendly, but hooboy, the wife definitely thought she was better than anyone else. I’m a friendly sort, and I would always greet people. First time that I have EVER had someone look down their nose at me! At any rate, she would not stop parking in my spot. Every time she did it I’d have to knock on their door to get her to move her car.
      Finally I wrote a HUGE note, saying that the next time she parked in my spot I would have her car towed. And then I duct taped it to the drivers side front window. That time I did not knock on her door. It was a really hot day and it was on there for hours.
      Oooh boy was she mad! Screaming and yelling!
      But she never parked there again.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      People flex more often than we realize.

      In all likelihood they will see your car there and just stop using your spot.
      If you have friends in your neighborhood, let them know you are getting a car and will soon be using the space. Then let the news get passed through the neighborhood.

    10. Nacho*

      Never mind, turns out the spot right in front of my condo that I always thought was mine is actually somebody else’s. My spot’s like 200 feet away from my door for some reason, and nobody ever uses it.

  64. clover*

    Hello! Looking for help with sunscreen this weekend.

    Does anyone have any recommendations for sunscreen that doesn’t stain clothes or ways to avoid staining my clothes when wearing suncreen?
    I’m trying to take care of my skin more, but suddenly it seems every time I put sunscreen on my face my shirt collar ends up with orange stains.

    Any brand recommendations? Or am I just putting sunscreen on wrong?

    2. MCL*

      I use Unseen Sunscreen on my face, which is $$$ but a little goes a long way. It goes on clear and can also function as a makeup primer.

    3. Llama face!*

      Huh, I’m not sure why you’d get the orange stains. All the sunscreens I’ve used have been white so if they made a mark it was white or clear/slightly greasy. Usually it didn’t perma stain but I might get a temporary (comes out in the wash) faint darker colouration on clothes if I smeared some on them. I have never noticed any brand of sunscreen coming off my skin onto clothes once I rubbed it in. Does your current product possibly contain a tint like a lightweight foundation?

      1. Llama face!*

        Sorry I don’t have a particular brand recommendation. I think I last used Banana Boat Sport SPF 30? It is pretty thick & greasy though so you may not want that one.

    4. Natalie*

      You might try a mineral based sunscreen – the active ingredients in chemical based sunscreens can react with some fabrics.

    6. Reba*

      I use Biore (Japanese) clear sunscreen, and IMO it’s perfect :) There are also some good mineral sunscreens for face out there now, so I would look at the options that don’t contain avobenzone.

      According to Joli Kerr (Ask A Clean Person) those orange stains are basically rust! And if they are giving you a hard time, you can try a rust-treating laundry product.

      1. DistantAudacity*

        +1 to Biore! It’s lovely to use and does not stain.

        I find it works amazingly well underneath makeup, without falling off or being supergreasy.

        Generally, I have had better luck with sunscreens that are «gels», like Cliniderm Light & Mattifying Sun Gel Cream (not sure of availability outside of the Nordics).

    7. llamaswithouthats*

      I like the Banana Boat sensitive skin sunscreen for my body. I think it’s SPF 50.

    8. Jules the First*

      Lots of sunscreen brands will stain if it comes into contact with fabric while it’s wet. A good rule of thumb is to apply sunscreen and then wait 15min for it to soak into your skin before getting dressed. Lots of “face” sunscreen often also has tint to use as combi-foundation, so check that as well. If you’re finding that you sweat the sunscreen into clothes over the course of the day, look for a “sweat proof” sports one or try a kid or baby waterproof one.

    9. Business Librarian*

      The orange stain is from a reaction between your water and an ingredient in many sunscreens. Iron Out is the only thing that has worked for us and that is not always a success. Google ‘orange sunscreen stains’ to see all the possible solutions.

  65. Mimmy*

    PrincessB’s post about food allergies made me think of my own mystery from a few years ago that I’ve wanted to ask about. I’m posting separately so as not to hijack her thread.

    Several years ago, I found that I would vomit a few hours after eating king crab legs. And I don’t mean just a one-and-done bout; I’d be vomiting several times over an hour or so. At first, we thought it was the melted butter we dipped the meat into, but I think it happened even with not using the butter. I’ve since avoided king crab legs.

    The weird part is, that is the ONLY seafood I’ve ever reacted to. I can eat shrimp, scallops, and even crab cakes (probably imitation crab meat?), all with no problems. I can’t remember if I’ve tried other types of crab legs since then but I am scared to.

    It’s a long shot, but I’m curious if anyone has ever heard of this or knows anything about shellfish. What the heck is so different about king crab??

    1. Natalie*

      I mentioned FPIES in the thread above, which is that type of delayed extreme vomiting reaction. It is almost exclusively seen in babies and young children, but I did find a case study of adults that were reacting to crustaceans. I’ll put a link in a reply.

    2. Amber Rose*

      Shellfish produce a protein called tropomyosin that other types of fish don’t. Allergies to them are very common.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I googled “allergic to only one kind of seafood, not all of them” and got some interesting hits. I had also thought that if you’re allergic to one seafood, you’re allergic to all of them, but apparently that is not the case. You can be allergic to just one specific kind.

      I am not a doctor, but I’d suggest being very careful with other seafoods until you talk to an allergist. Seafood allergies are no joke, and you don’t want to suddenly discover that you’ve developed a cross-reaction.

    4. Yellow Warbler*

      I get vomiting and diarrhea from crab, as does my mother. No reaction to any other seafood, in either of us. We can eat lobster, shrimp, clams, mussels, calamari, all fish. We both started having the reaction in our early 20s, and it’s continued the same ever since.

    5. Valancy Snaith*

      My mom had exactly the same issue. King crab made her sicker than a dog, all other types of crab were perfectly fine, all other seafood perfectly fine. King crab? Absolutely not. Her doctor attributed it to an intolerance of something the king crabs ate, but otherwise he had no idea. She went ahead eating other types of crab happily until she died in 2019, it never got worse.

    6. Girasol*

      That’s me and scallops. If the least fragment of a scallop goes in, it wants to come out in a hurry. When I was a kid my mom thought I was making it up to get attention since I’m fine with other shellfish and the reaction was so dramatic and so unlike normal food allergies. I’ve had rock crab, clams, oysters, shrimp, and lobster and love them all. But once I figured out that scallops were what made me feel so awful I stopped trying out new shellfish. I wish just once I could taste a mussel but I’m not going to try it. I’m not sure if I’ve ever tried king crab but after what you said I don’t believe I’ll try it now.

    7. No Name Yet*

      For decades, my dad would get serious GI symptoms if he had shrimp – not an anaphylactic allergy, but definitely a reaction. Zero reactions of any sort to any other food (shellfish or otherwise). He (reasonably) stopped having them, and then for no particular reason he tried them again a few years ago and was completely fine. He now has shrimp fairly regularly, and hasn’t had a problem since. The human body is a mystery!

    8. HBJ*

      Yup, I know someone like this. I believe it’s all crab, but no other seafood. They don’t know why.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      Seafood is really odd stuff.
      I thought maybe you had food poisoning but others probably would have been sick also.

      I was buying some sea food at a discount grocery store. After a bit, I noticed that it did not settle well and it was a chore to eat it. Since I do home cooked for my dog, I was feeding it to him also. He started throwing it up. A friend who was also eating that same brands at the same store, said he had difficulties. I stopped buying that brand and I stopped buying fish from this discount grocery store. Months went by and I got fish at a different store from a fish department as opposed to pre-packaged. Both me and the dog were fine with this different fish.

      In talking with people they said it really matters how the fish is handled after its caught.
      In short- needle in a haystack. I’d just skip the crab legs after your experience.

    10. Selene*

      Was it always the same place where you got the king crab legs?

      I ask because I generally have no problem whatsoever with sea food, but there is one brand of lobster tails that for whatever reason, the second it touches my stomach, I’m off to the bathroom and will be staying there for the rest of the day (super fun since we only ever have them for Christmas)

  66. Potatoes gonna potate*

    So, this is grocery related but a little different from above, hence the second post haha.

    Do you do your groceries at multiple stores or stick to one place?

    Growing up, I remember my parents going to multiple places – halal meat shop and then the other store that would have spices, vegetables, etc. To me it seemed like most people just went to the giant stores and did all their shopping there.

    When husband and I moved to our own place, it was the halal meat grocery store + Target for drinks and snacks and other items + the nearby fruit/veggie stores that would have lots of fresh produce (the produce at both stores was either low quailty or expensieve). When I began working FT, we were more apt to shop at one or two places but it was still alwyas necessary to go to the halal shop.

    Nowadays, it’s the Indian store for my moms stuff + halal meat store bc she only eats halal + Target for the drinks and other stuff + whatever store I visit for the other stuff. There’s no way for us to not do it this way.

    Note I’m not complaining or asking for advice, just curious how others do it.

    1. Laura H.*

      My household does one place. But we don’t have any major dietary or preparation restrictions to keep to, that certainly does change things. There are two major grocery stores in town and while some things can be bought from either, the quality of produce is far better at H-E-B than at Wal Mart.

      You do what works for your family. :)

    2. Not A Manager*

      I shop at multiple places, but not at each of them each time. (When I’ve been in Europe, it used to be that people would go every day to the butcher, the baker, and the produce store. I don’t do that.)

      Costco once every few months, “regular” supermarket every few weeks, “fancy” grocery store every week. Costco, in addition to paper goods and bulk canned goods, has excellent meat and produce. We buy things that we can freeze or use up. “Regular” supermarket has some brand names that the fancy place doesn’t carry, and is good for household items in smaller packages than Costco carries. “Fancy” place for fresh meats and fish, and for weekly produce. Tbh, the produce at the regular supermarket is just as good or better, but the meat isn’t. My preference would be to get the produce from the regular supermarket and the meat from the fancy place, but I’m not going to two markets every week.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Question about Costco – are you able to buy small quantities of produce?

        My mothers pressuring us to get a membership to one of these places but it just doesn’t make any sense for me — the food quantities are tooo massive for husband and myself, and I don’t see much savings for paper goods that I can’t get elsewhere. Also—while I love grocery shopping—the idea of going to one of these stores on a weekend and pushing a massive cart is my idea of hell.

        1. Not A Manager*

          You cannot get small quantities of produce. That’s my barrier to going there more often. It’s great for a party or if you’re having houseguests – or I guess if you have a large family – but otherwise it’s big bags of stuff.

          We buy things like Brussels sprouts, which we like and they last forever in the refrigerator, and fruit for my spouse’s smoothies. He uses it fresh until it’s getting a bit elderly, and then he just freezes it. The smoothie doesn’t care.

          But sometimes, the large bags there are less expensive than a small bag at a retail supermarket. From a strictly economic point of view, we could throw away half of the bag and still come out ahead. We don’t do that, but we will gift stuff to our neighbors and whatnot and it doesn’t cost us anything extra.

          If you’re able to go with a friend that has a membership, check it out sometime. People love it or they hate it. My Costco carries some kosher prepared specialty food and some halal poultry, but I think that varies by location.

    3. PollyQ*

      I haven’t been to any grocery stores at all in almost a year, but back in the Before Times, I used to mix it up some between Safeway, Whole Foods, and a local chain, although I’d rarely go to more than one of them in a week. I also augmented with Target for larger packages of household goods.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I do my regular weekly grocery shopping primarily at Target via delivery. My husband goes to Meijer a couple times a month to pick up things that he’s picky about and wants to see in person, like some types of fresh produce. (The delivery shoppers are total rubbish at picking good tomatoes and avocados.) The only thing I regularly have him pick up there is boneless skinless chicken thighs, because Target doesn’t carry them, but there are occasional extras that I might have him grab while he’s at it. I also do a stock-up on specific things at Costco every couple of months.

      So mostly just one place, with occasional branching out?

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        In my old neighborhood the local target carried a large selection of meat, produce and bakery so I could always pick up fresh bread and boneless chicken or a steak or salmon etc. where I live now the Targets around are terribly lacking in all of that so now it’s just become a leisure trip than anything else.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Yeah, my Target is a SuperTarget and much nicer than some of the ones I’ve been to in the past. But they are still pretty limited on their options for meat – they have bone-in skin-on chicken thighs, but I am generally not willing to have to disassemble my food, haha. So I splurge :)

    6. Bluebell*

      There’s a super funny Laura Zigman video called something like” I’m going grocery shopping at five places. “ story of my life until covid. We used to go to Trader Joe’s for a few things, the local grocery store for most things, and the kosher grocery store for cheese and a few specialty things. Luckily we found a specialty market that does curbside delivery and has a terrific line of kosher cheese (The Cheese Guy). Passover grocery discussion is still ongoing.

    7. Filosofickle*

      Definitely rotate through multiple stores because no one store has everything! I cook a ton, so food is a big priority for me. My weekly spot is a small local market. High quality but limited selection. This has been my pandemic store — 100% masks and 5 people at a time, in and out in minutes. If I plan menus around what they sell, I can make do with just them. There’s a butcher across the street, so together that’s a good pairing. Not cheap but good.

      I go to a big supermarket (aka Safeway) once in a while for more processed boxed/canned/frozen things the little store doesn’t have. I don’t eat a lot of of it but I like Jif and Cracker Barrel mac and cheese, you know? That’s also the closest store, only a few blocks away, so it’s our walkable “just a few things” spot. Then Trader Joe’s once every couple of months — they have things I love but not everything. If they had better produce they’d probably be my main store. The last type of store, for very rare runs, is a bigger local organic-ish market. They’re amazing but quite a bit farther. That’s where I can get spices and bulk foods and a rock star selection of produce and meat. (For the locals, I’m talking about stores like Berkeley Bowl.) When I lived closer that was my only store and I didn’t need any others. The only glitch being ridiculous parking and not selling big evil brands like Nabisco. I had to go without Triscuits for years when I shopped there!

    8. Teapot Translator*

      I was also raised by parents who went to multiple places (for monetary rather than dietary restrictions).
      I live by myself and I only do one place each week, usually the one nearest to me, but if something I want is on special in another store, I’ll go and do all my shopping there.

    9. Eff Walsingham*

      (1) Geography. No car. The heavier / more awkward the product, the closer to home we buy it.

      (2) Price. Like my mother before me, I read the flyers and follow the sales. If a particular thing seems to have gone up in price ridiculously, I’ll often abstain, at least for a while. My spouse does not do this. He shops strictly according to “are we out of it?” and price is no object. *shudder* Me, I stock up if I find a really good sale.

    10. Old and Don’t Care*

      I’ve always gone to multiple grocery stores, and more so now that places are frequently out of things. Not one after another after another though. I’ve always liked different things from different stores and sometimes there’s a price difference, so that’s the way I shop. They’re all close, and I much prefer doing several small runs to one large one, and I’m fine with doing things this way.

    11. lapgiraffe*

      I shop at probably a dozen different stores, a little bit of a “European” mindset (I have a butcher, a baker, a fishmonger, a cheesemonger, etc), lifestyle (work has always taken me all over the city and suburbs so I have my favorite Armenian market, a favorite farmstand, a second cheese shop in the burbs, etc), and I’m just big on sourcing high quality ingredients that fall within my own weird standards.

      The one thing I don’t do is shop the sales in a traditional sense, but this is mostly because I am one person with no one else to cook for, it makes no sense for me to go stock up on cheap chicken or what have you. I bargain shop in other ways, I know where I can find value and savings and also know where I don’t find it worthwhile to skimp. The store closest to me is a generic supermarket where I might go once every two to three months to stock up on generic things, but the produce is terrible and I don’t think I’d ever think of buying meat or fish there, no thank you.

      I think any market would love to be your one and only but it’s just not possible, even (specially?) the larger ones are beholden to deals with certain suppliers so it may be larger but somehow you have fewer options. Even if you’re not a weirdo like me I think shopping around for any number of reasons is very common.

    12. Yellow Warbler*

      My grocery shopping is controlled by my being in the rural part of a red state. It’s hard to find basically anything other than hamburger and potatoes. I have to go to several stores because one has quality fresh produce, one has lousy produce but carries almond milk, etc.

      When I was commuting to my office in a major city, I would do most of my shopping in that town, then stop near my house for frozen foods/delicate perishables because my commute was too long and the food would get ruined.

      We don’t do religion; all our food decisions are based on our medical needs.

    13. Person from the Resume*

      I go to one grocery store and Wal-mart. I buy a lot of the bottled, jarred, canned food at Walmart plus toiletries, but I buy fresh stuff from the grocery store.

    14. HBJ*

      One store with occasional Costco runs. Except I’m not sure Costco is worth it for money savings anymore with the way I coupon shop, so we’ve dropped that for now. So now it’s a closer non-membership bulk store once in awhile and the main supermarket. And occasionally (as in once ever other month or so) a different supermarket that has the odd thing our regular supermarket doesn’t carry.

    15. The Other Dawn*

      I generally go to a few different stores, though it depends what I need that week. A regular grocery store is every week and it’s typically the same one. I buy a specific brand of milk because it has half the sugar of regular milk and I find this store is one of the cheapest other than Walmart. If I want something specific that I don’t buy too often, like large containers of cocoa powder (for iced mocha lattes), dry roasted peanuts, or large amounts of meat (or party stuff), I go to Sam’s Club. Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods are reserved for the times when I want something only they sell, like Borsari seasoned salt or certain spices.

      I hate going to multiple stores sometimes, but other times I like it since it gives me something to do if I feel like wasting time.

    16. Me*

      In the Before Times, I would time my grocery run so that I could hit the discount grocery store (WinCo), Trader Joe’s and Costco all in one run on a Saturday morning. They were all within a half mile of each other. Sometimes I’d have to stop at Fred Meyer too. But it was an efficient swoop of shopping.

      During the pandemic, I’ve mostly kept to doing curbside pickup at Fred Meyers or Instacart for Costco. Since our cases have dramatically declined + I lost everything in a week long power outage, I did a big grocery run recently where I hit each grocery store (winco, Trader Joe’s and Costco) on consecutive mornings super early (right at opening at two of the three). I found the stores pretty empty at that hour so I may start going there once a month and reduce my curbside pickup.

    17. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      These days I only go to the two small supermarkets in my neighborhood, but in the before times I used to go to multiple ones depending on where I was and what I was doing at the time. I lived in south London until June last year and there were tons of small shops catering to different religious restrictions and cultural preferences that I used to go to quite frequently. Personally I don’t have any dietary restrictions but I like to try different kinds of foods, and I would stop in various places to go shopping after work and pick up a few things at a time. I now live in a much less diverse place so I’d have to make a special trip across town to get the same kind of selection but I might start doing that when covid is under control.

    18. Sylvan*

      I go to one place. Before I moved to this city, I bought produce at a farmer’s market and everything else at one or two grocery stores. Really miss having a farmer’s market with grocery store hours nearby.

    19. Not So NewReader*

      My parents would go to one store. For quite a while it was Grand Union. I never understood that.
      So I did not see multiple stores each week growing up- but that is how I shop and I have done that for decades.

      It started because I would pick up the bargains at each place and make meals accordingly. As we aged and we had more and more food restrictions, I still used several stores to find the items we wanted.
      Currently, I go to a cheaper grocery store first and then hit my main grocery store on the way home. I can get anything I did not find at the first place at the main store I go to. I am not good on eating a wide variety of foods. Shopping at two places encourages me to pick out different things.

    20. lemon meringue*

      In normal times, I like to go to separate shops. Usually get staple groceries in bulk for cheap, then get produce at a market or grocer. I only eat meat rarely but go to the butcher for that. And there are a few specialty stores I’ll need to go for some stuff, mostly Asian stores. I much prefer to shop this way, but for the last year, have mostly been sticking to getting everything at once to minimize how many places I go. I am looking forward to going back to my regular ways.

    21. Potatoes gonna potate*

      One thing I’ve noticed is that there’s two kinds of people:

      groceries is a fun outing and make a day out of it

      groceries is a boring chore, to be done as quickly as possible.

      I fall into the former.

      1. allathian*

        I fall very firmly into the latter! Which is why I’m extremely happy that my husband does the vast majority of our shopping. I’ve stocked up on feminine hygiene products. He can buy if I send him a photo of the package, but if the store doesn’t stock it, he doesn’t know what to get instead.

        We mostly shop at either Lidl or our local co-op hypermarket, for more specialty items that Lidl doesn’t carry. There’s a convenience store at a walkable distance from our house, where we used to shop more often before the pandemic.

    22. RagingADHD*

      I usually stick to 2. The store I prefer for most staple items (Aldi) doesn’t carry everything we need, or not our preferred brand/style.

      I usually alternate weeks, and save up my list of “specialty” items to buy all on the same trip.

  67. TheBeanMustMoveOn*

    I was wondering if anyone could recommend some good resources to help deal with/overcome social anxiety. I have it really bad right now and its been affecting my home and work life for years now.

    1. Almost Academic*

      I’m not sure if you have access to a therapist, but if you can find one that specifically does exposure-based therapy it can be very helpful! Basically involves slowly practicing exposing yourself to situations that you get anxiety in, enabling you to build up mastery in them and teach your body / mind that they’re actually safe (or that the worst won’t always happen). It’s the treatment that has the best rates for symptom reduction, although more general CBT has some success as well.

      If you don’t have access to a therapist, or want to start with something cheaper, a workbook I often recommend is the “Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook: Proven, Step-by-Step Techniques for Overcoming your Fear” – it’s available on amazon and based on CBT principles.

      The government of Australia also has a free pdf book available online, if free is the price point for you! It’s called “Stepping Out of Social Anxiety” and you should be able to find it via google.

      I hope that helps! So many people struggle with social anxiety, and thankfully it’s really treatable if you know how to approach it.

      1. No Name Yet*

        Yup, all this. Exposure-based therapy with a licensed provider is your best bet (it’s hard, but having the support of a therapist you trust makes a HUGE difference), and the Shyness & Social Anxiety Workbook is a solid choice if a workbook is a better fit/place to start. I haven’t heard of the Australian one, will check it out!

        In the Before Times (I’m not sure if they’ve just transitioned to Zoom or not), I remember hearing that group therapy (sometimes on its own and sometimes as supplement to individual treatment) could be especially effective, in part because just showing to a group and participating was treatment in and of itself!

    2. Llama face!*

      I’m sorry I don’t have a specific resource to suggest but I have more generalized anxiety and can say from experience that I’ve found cognitive behavioural therapy to be helpful. I believe there are some books people have recommended on open threads in the past (searching CBT might bring it up?) but personally I’ve preferred working with a therapist over trying on my own.

      If you don’t get a lot of responses today, you might try reposting next week a bit earlier in the day. Sometimes by this time the commenter traffic has slowed down a fair bit. :)

    3. ThatGirl*

      Is a mental health professional an option? Because honestly that’s probably what you need. You can also talk to your doctor about medication which helps a lot of people. I’m sure there are other resources out there but meds and therapy are the gold standard.

    4. Jen Erik*

      My daughter found CBT helpful. This was pre-pandemic, so she was able to have a therapist come to the house. The therapist said it would take 12 sessions, which seemed really few, but she was right. She was also really relaxed about how my daughter timetabled them: for example, her sessions went from an hour to half an hour because my daughter was finding it difficult. (For her, she had thoughts that the therapist hated her, that the therapy wasn’t working, that she was stupid and couldn’t do CBT right, that she wasn’t anxious at all and had just made it up to get attention, etc.)

      The therapist did say that often when you start trying to deal with it, it’s not unusual to have a period where it gets worse. Also, I don’t mean to suggest that the CBT was an instant fix – from the outside, it looked like she was spiralling down and the three months of CBT was where the spiral started to circle in the other direction: that the three months gave her the toolkit, and after that there was a continued gradual improvement.

      I think it is helpful if you can access someone knowledgeable to help – my daughter had read CBT books before starting therapy, and felt she understood the principles, but it is hard using your own brain to fix your own brain, and for her, she needed another brain to help.

      As to other resources, I know my daughter really rates Faith Harper’s books – she started with ‘Unf*ck Your Brain’ – which I think is just brilliant for anyone to read.

      I hope some of that is helpful. Good luck!

  68. Yellow Warbler*

    My parents are making me nuts. They are legitimately eligible for vaccination based on age, but my father is a fussy bitch about everything and refuses to accept anything other than the vaccine of his choice at the hospital of his choice from the doctor of his choice. They put themselves on a waiting list with their PCP, and are just sitting around waiting for a personal phone call from Dr. Preference inviting them to one specific hospital.

    I was able to get them an appointment for this coming week, but they refuse to go because it’s at a pharmacy.

    There is nothing more I can do, I literally handed it to them on a platter and they turned it down. I am ready to claw my own eyes out in fury that my father would rather be “right” than be alive. (Note: this is not a sign of dementia, etc. This is my dad being the same infuriating person he’s always been.)

    1. Yellow Warbler*

      OMG, I’m so cranked up I forgot what I actually wanted to ask: has anyone actually heard of there being any noticeable difference in behavior in the way the vaccines are injected? I’m quite sure the answer is no, but I’m hoping to provide concrete data that you don’t need an MD to give a freaking shot–which should be obvious, but here we are.

      1. Masked Bandit*

        Where do they get their flu shots? Those are usually administered at pharmacies. Could you point out to them that it’s the same thing?

        I’m sorry, I would find this incredibly frustrating.

        1. Yellow Warbler*

          They do make appointments at their PCP for flu shots.

          They also had a hell of a time finding a new dentist when theirs retired, because he refuses to see a hygienist. He demands a full-blown DMD to scrape his plaque.

          *slams head into wall*

          1. ....*

            That does sound super frustrating but ultimately it’s up to them to make their medical decisions and you’ve done all you can to assist the process.

      2. Natalie*

        Does their doctor even actually give shots? Every time I’ve gotten a vaccine at a doctor’s office, a nurse does the actual injection.

      3. fhqwhgads*

        Even if I were getting mine at my doctor’s office, the MD would not be doing the shot personally. The PA or nurse would. So this is an especially odd preference. I’d be worried he’d show up, be at the appointment and still refuse.

      4. Ranon*

        Best flu shot I ever got was from a pediatric nurse, they are the vaccination champions given how many childhood vaccines they do every day. There’s likely no reasoning with your dad, though – could he talk about the vaccine with his doctor and get it from someone else? Maybe his doctor saying they haven’t done vaccinations since residency would shake him loose- the folks at the pharmacies and vaccination hubs are the ones with the practice, they likely do dozens or hundreds to every one his GP does.

      5. MissGirl*

        As the daughter of a stubborn man, stop expecting him to change and stop trying to convince him. There is only pain and frustration in this path. Be glad he’s getting it and stop trying to control this. It doesn’t matter how well thought out your arguments are. This is his decision. Accepting that he’s going to be the same infuriating person he’s always been will be very freeing—trust me. At this point, he probably considers you his infuriating stubborn daughter.

        1. Yellow Warbler*

          He’s not getting it, though, that’s the problem! If he was willing to be normal about this, my parents would have been vaccinated a month ago. He is still waiting for this perfect situation, and forcing my mom to wait as well. I have no idea how long it will be until the universe aligns and he can actually get the vaccine in the way that he wants.

          1. MissGirl*

            It’s their decision—not yours. They are on a wait list with their PCP. I’m sorry I know it’s frustrating but you can’t do this for them. You’re driving yourself batty over something you can’t control. He’s not going to change because you find the magic words to explain things to him.

            1. MissGirl*

              I also want to add from a stubborn person with a stubborn father, the more you push him the more he may dig in to prove a point. Tell him it’s his decision and let him come to it on his own and he *might* change his mind as he sees his peers getting it or he might not.

          2. Always Late to the Party*

            Is your mom enough of a free thinker that you could convince her to get vaccinated elsewhere?

          3. RagingADHD*

            He’s not forcing your mom to do anything. If he’s physically coercing her and not letting her leave the house, call elder services or the police.

            Otherwise, it’s a relationship issue that you can’t fix or control. Your mom has agency. She picked him, she stays with him, she’s going along with him.

            If you think she might get vaccinated without him, just offer to pick her up and take her to the appointment.

      6. Small town*

        I am a physician. I don’t give shots. It has been so long that it would not be a good idea. He may be waiting a long time, sadly.

      7. Pharmgirl*

        MDs so rarely give shots, even if he made an exception for your parents he’s not going to be as skilled as a nurse or a PA simply from lack of practice. It wouldn’t be less effective or anything (they’re still trained of course) but healthcare professionals who give shots regularly have a technique down and it’s less likely to hurt then.

      8. justabot*

        No, but I will say that some health care workers who don’t typically administer vaccines have been called upon to administer the covid vaccine, and it does make me slightly nervous about the risk of SIRVA. I chose a bigger pharmacy rather than a random drive through place for that reason. But I get what you are saying and how frustrating it is. When a friend and I were talking about vaccines and which one to get and where, I read that the best vaccine and appointment is the first one that you can get.

        1. RagingADHD*

          At this point, the pharmacists probably have more current experience giving shots correctly than the dad’s PCP does.

    2. HannahS*

      I’m an MD. If it’s at all meaningful, no, there’s no difference in the way that I give needles and the way a nurse does, except that if I did it I’d probably need a nurse to remind me how to do it because that’s not really a thing that I do anymore. The only doctors I can think of who regularly give injections are rheumatologists and physiatrists, but neither of those are primary care and are unlikely to be distributing vaccines. I’m sorry that your dad’s being this way. I’d be screaming in frustration, too!

    3. Nicole76*

      I feel your frustration. My father is high risk and eligible to get the vaccination now but he won’t do it because he wants the one-shot vaccine. I explained to him that he doesn’t know whether his doctor’s office will even get it but he’s made up his mind on the matter. He doesn’t leave his house often but I still worry.

    4. Gradually Watermelon*

      My dad is the same way. With severe reactions to gluten and the standard American diet, he has refused to make the dietary changes his body needs, instead hoping that everything will magically resolve so he can eat like it’s still the 1950s! He told me he would literally rather die than make any changes. After years of forwarding him articles, buying him books, and encouraging him to keep a food journal and experiment with different things to eat, I had to just let go. He’s 74 and has never shown signs of being able to change; he’s certainly not going to start now just because his quality of life is so miserable.

      I asked him how he was hoping for me to respond when he complains to me about another excruciating weekend on the john after eating fast food. He said he just wants sympathy, no advice. So I just say things like “That sounds painful” and “So sorry to hear it” and “Whoops, time for me to go.” I hold the phone away from my ear so it feels more distant and oddly enough, that helps.

      The whole situation is very painful to listen to, especially since he has ended up in the ER for severe constipation and IBS, but he is a grown man and it’s his gut biome and if he wants to Oreo himself to death that’s his call. My sympathies to you!

    5. Courageous cat*

      I think to a certain extent you just gotta detach and realize there’s nothing you can do here. Your dad is gonna do what he’s gonna do and there’s only so much you can worry before you have to say, he has to make his own medical decisions, I can’t make them for him.

    6. Not A Manager*

      Here’s one thing you can try. It might leave a bad taste in your mouth and it’s up to you if you want to do it. You can be That Daughter and call the PCP’s office directly. If your parents have an ongoing relationship with the PCP and the PCP’s office staff, someone on staff might easily understand the situation and your anxiety, and they might help you get that waitlist call sooner rather than later. Even if your parents aren’t well-known to the office, medical personnel are pretty used to situations like this one and might be willing to work with you.

      Before you reject this as obnoxious line-jumping, it might not be as bad as all that. Your parents are legitimately eligible, and if they didn’t get the vaccine from this one person they would still be using up two doses somewhere. So the line that they might be jumping is the PCP’s waitlist line, which is presumably meant for people who are NOT eligible for a vaccine at this moment.

      I would call and speak to the physician’s assistant, long-standing nurse, the office manager, or the PCP themselves if you can reach them. Explain the situation just the way you did here, emphasize your parents’ stubbornness and vulnerability, and ask if they can help you out.

      1. Not A Manager*

        Oh also, I wouldn’t worry about who does the actual injection. Once your parents have received the call from the favored office, and are directed to the favored facility, by the time they are actually receiving the shots and figure out they are not being administered by Dr. Preferred, they probably won’t refuse and go home. (I hope?!)

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Oh you met my parents I see. (joking. My parents are long gone.)

      Your last line, “my dad being the same infuriating person he has always been” tells all.

      Learn to let go. If you have to go talk to a pro then do so. I went for counseling. The counselor wanted to meet my parents. My father would not go because “there is no such thing as the field of psychology.”

      The counselor said, “You have to go live your life. Your parents are just going to do as they wish and you can’t fix it.”

      I feel your anger/upset rolling off your post. In the long run, that level of upset and anger will do a number on your health if left unchecked.

      There is that final event of ridiculousness that makes it crystal clear that we need to detach. For me it was my mother’s unraveling and my father’s denial of anything going on with her. I had to step back and let nature run its course. This was like watching a train wreck. My father made so many decisions that I knew would bite him later and sure enough.

      I had to accept the fact that there was nothing I could do. And that was a huge piece of humble pie. I had a profound sense of hopelessness and helplessness that took years to rebuild.

      We can’t save people from themselves. Worse, we can’t save our parents from their own selves. There ought to be an exception to that rule for parents but there isn’t.

      One of the many things I thought about was WHY am I getting so upset over their choices? There were a few reasons. But bottom line, I did not want them to die. I was not ready to be on my own in the world. The truth is we never are, no matter how long they live. The counselor’s advice to go build my own life was right on the money. I had to be prepared at least on the physical level (home/car/job) to launch my life. Going about my own life did help me to get a better handle on all the emotions going on there in some small ways. Sadly, sometimes the best we can do is rescue our own selves.

      1. MissGirl*

        I really appreciate your post. My dad and step-mom are sort of post train wreck and now they’re living with those consequences. I hate watching their decline, I hate seeing their circumstances. I do what I can (within my budget and mental health) like taking the occasional meal or setting up my dad’s covid vaccine because they’re not good at the Internet but I can’t keep them alive or alleviate their financial burden without destroying myself. I am going to keep building my own life.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I think one of the rawest and harshest truths I had to face was, “And so shall I.”
          Like them my last years will be a hodge-podge resulting from all my good decisions AND all my bad decisions.

          Just as I watched in horror with some of my father’s decisions, someone could do the same with me. And they already have. My aunts were jumping up and down in upset that I was putting my husband’s medical bills on MY credit card. NOOOOO.
          It worked out okay in the end. But they did have a valid point.

          There is some relief to be found in realizing that we ourselves will make our own full set of poor choices.

          1. MissGirl*

            I was just saying something similar to my friend. Her brother is making a big life decision that her and her parents think is a bad one. Almost a repeat of a previous bad one but they’re trying to stay out of it. I said, “I wonder what bad decisions we’re making that cause other people to shake their heads at us over.” Because obviously no one has it all figured out.

            I’m glad your “bad decision” worked out.

    8. lemon meringue*

      This kind of reminds me of a more evergreen source of family conflict–trying to convince a parent to give up driving. I suspect that behind your father’s extremely frustrating behaviour, there is a well of anxiety and perhaps a sense that as he gets older, he wants to retain control over his life as much as he can. Which of course puts you in an impossible position if you try to oppose him on anything.

      There was an interesting episode on the How To! podcast about this issue (the driving one), called “How to Get a Stubborn Parent to Listen.” It might make you feel a little better, even if the advice doesn’t apply.

  69. llamaswithouthats*

    TMI warning for menstruation

    Does anyone have experience using reusable pads? I’ve always found Diva cups weird and don’t want to use them, but am considering reusable pads sold by zero waste shops, which you can wash to reuse.

    1. Ranon*

      I like them, but I’ve got a hormonal IUD so they’re not getting a full workout. And I started using them after doing cloth diapers so the whole laundering bodily fluids ship has long since sailed in my house.

    2. CatCat*

      Yep, this is what I usually use. I got three different lengths. They work well for me and have for many years.

    3. Fellow Traveller*

      I’m curious too – so glad you posted! Especially would love to know which ones people like. I have about ten tabs open in my browser for various reusable pad brands and I haven’t been able to hit the “purchase” button on any of them because there are so many options out there and I’m not sure which ones work better.
      Also curious about wash routine.

    4. Unkempt Flatware*

      Not a pad but I use and love thinx underwear. After work, I spray immediately with vinegar, cover gusset in ice cubes on shower floor to lift blood, then rinse while taking my next shower and hang before washing. I have a light period.

    5. HBJ*

      I know several people who absolutely love the Thinx underwear as well as various Thinx knock-offs. I’ve never used them and doubt I ever will. I should try them I suppose, since I have used cloth diapers for my children, and I’m not opposed to that. It’s funny you’re weirded out by a cup but not by reusable pads. I absolutely love my cup and am totally weirded out by reusable pads.

      1. llamaswithouthats*

        Fair enough! I’m solely used to using disposable pads (not even tampons) so reusable pads are the most similar to that.

        1. allathian*

          I did use tampons when I was younger, but I mostly used a light pad with them anyway for security. I just didn’t trust them like pads. So I decided doubling up wasn’t worth it and I’ve used just pads for years.

          I might consider reusable pads, although I’m old enough now that I probably won’t need any for more than a few years, so I probably won’t bother. The idea of a moon cup weirds me out.

    6. AutolycusinExile*

      I can offer my experience! I don’t use reusable pads – i.e. insertables or the removable kind with wings and snaps – although I have tried them. I ended up sticking with period underwear, specifically Thinx brand. The washing and care routines you have to do for the different products are practically identical, but the day-to-day experiences are a little different, so bear that in mind.

      Reusable period products tend to be comparatively very absorbent, at least the ones I’ve tried out, which is nice. I don’t think I have an unusually heavy flow but it is certainly not light, and I appreciate how much less often I have to change it out now that I’m using reusable stuff. Look for multiple layers in the absorband section, and you’ll want to see a combination of fabric types in the construction – you want to see a layer of non-absorbent fabric on the bottom/outside and on the attachment flaps – this is what keeps the blood where you want it to be. If you’re buying insertables or other removable reusable pads, I recommend actually taking note of where you usually put your disposable pads in your underwear for optimal ‘performance’ and measuring the dimensions throughout. I think that’s a common issue ordering reusable pads online – not getting a size that covers the areas you want it to. I found that I prefer a placement that is too far back for the popular styles of removeable pads which is why I gravitated towards period underwear instead (way better coverage).

      I have leaks WAY less often now that I’m using period underwear. This is where I think there might be a difference with the insertable cloth pads – since those will cover less area – but in my experience the period panties have to be embarrassingly past due for a change before they leak at all. It’s incredible. If you’re a side or front sleeper it covers all the angles you could need, and physical activity is way less stressful as well. I highly recommend period underwear for this reason alone – it’s honestly made my menstrual cycle twenty times less stressful. They weren’t cheap, especially on my budget, but oh boy was it worth saving up for them.

      More reasons I like reusable period products: I find the cloth/fabric of the reusable pads and underwear to be way more comfortable than traditional cotton(?) pads. It has less friction, especially if you have pubic hair, and you’ll never have the adhesive stick somewhere you don’t want it again. It’s also quieter – dunno if this is an issue for anyone else but whenever I use disposable pads while wearing thin pants (pajamas, leggings, sweats, etc) I can always hear them crinkle when I walk.

      One thing I’ve found with the snap-on kind of reusable pads in particular is a tendency for them to ‘ride up’ a bit, or slide forward – it’s hard to describe, but basically they don’t stay in exactly the same place all day long. I didn’t notice a comfort issue, just a coverage one, so if yours are long enough it might not be very noticeable. Also, nicer quality pads tend to fit to your underwear better and therefore move less, so I’d recommend reading reviews to see if this is a complaint mentioned for the product you’re thinking of buying.

      For anyone curious about the wash routine: it takes some time but is super easy. If you wash them immediately after taking them off it’s easier and faster, but I’ve forgotten to wash a pair for a few days (it happens, okay, don’t judge) and it didn’t cause any problems. I’m going to be fairly detailed here, so if periods gross you out you’ve been warned!
      What I like to do is start by rinsing them off under cold running water for a minute or two. This will remove the majority of liquid blood and also get off any physical byproducts (blood clots, hair, etc). Once the water is running mostly clear I’ll fill the sink with a few inches of cold water and squeeze them out. Don’t wring them – that will wear them out quickly and mess with the internal alignment of layers – but if you squeeze them underwater you’ll be able to see when little clouds of color stop coming out. After that I hang them up to drip-dry in my shower and then throw them in my laundry basket to wait until my next load of laundry. At this point you’ve gotten the vast majority of stuff out so there shouldn’t be any odors or other concerns. Last step is throwing them in the washing machine – I put them in a delicates bag, avoid putting them in with any super rough or linty fabrics, and run the cycle on cold. They’ll come out clean and you’ll want to hang dry them.

      That’s a fairly complicated washing process, though, and I’ve heard that apparently you can just throw them straight in the laundry machine without rinsing at all! Not my cup of tea, but enough people do it that it must work fine. A friend of mine will take hers into the shower to rinse hers off while she’s at it, but personally I try not to use hot water. Guess I internalized that old adage about blood and cold water, but if you don’t mind discoloration on the pads then it’s another option.

      Either way, the cleaning process doesn’t take long (especially once you’ve done it a couple times) but it does make it a little awkward when you’re in public or at someone else’s house. I’ve found that the superabsorbent period underwear from Thinx last me more than long enough to get through a work day even at my heaviest flow, but of course YMMV. If I have to change when I’m not at home but don’t have the time to fully sink-wash it, I try to do a quick rinse and then find a plastic bag to wrap it up in and tuck away until I get home. If that doesn’t seem feasible or I can’t be bothered, though, then I’ll usually just use put on a disposable pad before I head out. I’ve found that a mix of mostly-reusable with the occasional disposable pad has been a really good experience, and the mix gives me enough options to cover any situation I might find myself in.

    7. Dwight Schrute*

      Yes! I used them with my first iud when I still had periods. I have two different sizes and I loved them. My only complaint was that they got hot being made of a fleece like material for the summer.

    8. Sarah*

      Seconding a lot of what AutolycusinExile said. They’re definitely more absorbent and less chafe-y, and I found the blood is much less visible on the bigger ones and also smells much less. I generally find them a more pleasant experience than disposable ones all round. They are bulkier though – not to a problematic degree (and still better than some of the cheap, bulky disposable pad options I remember using when I was at school and didn’t really know what I was doing when it came to periods).

      I wasn’t so bothered about the placement of them in my underwear, they stay put and if they do shift about, they can be moved back pretty easily.

      I wash them by running them under the cold tap in the bath until the water stops running red, then leave them to drip-dry on the tap and then put them in with the next load of laundry. The ones which have white/pale-colour gussets do stain a little but that doesn’t bother me, but if it would bother you, look for ones with black/grey gussets, and it’ll be fine.

      However, I originally just got a few night pads, and only started buying ones for day use after I started working from home due to pandemic. So now I can basically use reusable ones entirely, but I think that will be harder once I start working in the office again. Obviously depends on your working day and how many times you’d need/want to change the pad though, but worth keeping in mind.

      I will say though I got

    9. Wm*

      Yes! I love them! I mentioned period underwear in another comment above. I like the aisle ones best for pads but not for underwear

    10. Pharmgirl*

      Not pads, but reusable underwear. I have a few from Think and then a bunch of more affordable ones from Amazon. I do use them as backup for my cup, but they’re super comfortable in their own as well. Since they’re really only there for back up cleaning is definitely on the easier side. I dint do any hand washing, just throw them in the washing machine in cold and lay flat to dry.

    11. Emma2*

      I use Bloom & Nora. I first started using them overnight/at home but then started using them every day. They are a bit thicker than disposables, but I find them more comfortable. I have used disposables once or twice since and really do not like them now by comparison
      I rinse the pads in cold water immediately after use (unless I am not at home). I have little waterproof pouches that I store them in until they go in the laundry (these come with the Bloom & Nora pads and are also useful if you are going out and will change a pad during the day). I sometimes soak the pads in water and vinegar before putting in the laundry to keep them smelling fresh (a risk with anything that is not dried immediately).
      I have tried the period pants – personally I do not like them as much, although I know people who swear by them. I like to be able to change the pads easily during the day.
      There were some articles a year or so ago about a well known brand of period pants suggesting there were safety concerns with some of the materials they were using, so that might be worth looking up before investing in anything.

    12. osmoglossum*

      I used reusable pads when I was peri-menopausal and my menstrual cycle was insanely heavy and lasted two weeks/month. I LOVED them. They were so much more comfortable than the synthetic pads (i.e., Always), and absorbed far better than the natural disposable pads (I used Natracare pads before switching to reusable). I highly recommend them.

    13. Alex*

      I use them, although mostly on light days (I use a cup for the full strength days). I like that they are really comfortable (I HATE the feeling of disposable pads). I often just use them as back-up-just-in-case-this-isn’t-quite-over time, so I mostly just wash them with my laundry, but if I do bleed significantly on them, I rinse and squeeze until the water is clear, then toss in with my regular laundry.

    14. RagingADHD*

      I have a few cloth pads I made (I sew).

      They’re fine as long as I’m sticking close to home and change them frequently. They’re comfortable, but not that well made because I made them years ago before some of the more sophisticated patterns were available. The main objection I have to mine is stability – without adhesive, they slide around a lot and tend to bunch up.

      If I were going to invest in a new product, I’d probably go with period underwear to avoid those issues.

    15. I take tea*

      I love my reusable pads, I never have got the hang of a moon cup. I’m not easily grossed out by blood, so that helps. I rinse them, keep them in water and vinegar until I do laundry. I used to have so many yeast infections and a gynecologist said that the super thin pads really aren’t helping, because they keep the area warm and moist. After I switched the problem almost disappeared. I’ve used them for twenty-five years, I’ve had to buy new ones now and then, but they keep for many years and it’s still so, so much cheaper than disposables. Ecological, economical and better vaginal health. What’s not to like? :-)

  70. Grumpy, Sleepy, and Sneezy, LLP*

    Anyone have any thoughts or tips to mentally deal with feeling sort of a consistent, general dissatisfaction with your day to day life and career when, objectively, big things like money, health, housing, food, and the like are completely fine? I’ve been stuck in this very odd mental state for a while where things are, on a surface level, totally fine, but I just never feel like I’m enjoying or achieving or helping with much of anything. I feel like I’m basically biding my time until I can retire, but I’m not even 35 years old. There’s not much I can do to deal with changing my circumstances right now, but I’d rather not feel like I’m wasting years of my life all the time.

    1. Reba*

      Hi, yes, hello.

      Have you thought about getting screened for depression?

      I think important life satisfaction things are volunteering and finding a group that is working on some issue you care about, and joining it. This is annoying for those of us who are not joiners, but this is really the work! Now, I’m not saying I do these things as much as I ought… But that is what has helped me in the past, to foster the sense of things mattering.

      1. Grumpy, Sleepy, and Sneezy, LLP*

        Oh yeah I think you’re 100% on to a few helpful things. I reached out to get a few therapy sessions and we think I’ve basically got a chronic low level stress/depression thing going on. And I’ve been involved with a few local community groups for the last few years as well, which I really get a lot out of (honestly the only thing I do that I consistently enjoy other than, like, golf or bowling, which I never get to play anyway).

        I guess my issue is more like, I’m just kind of lost in the woods looking for something to do that’s actually engaging or stimulating in some way, and I really don’t know how to either figure it out or just find a way to be okay enough with staring at a computer for several hours a day in exchange for being able to afford to live here (Bay Area, which I can’t fathom being able to afford if I switched to another career field).

        I kind of have a general sense that I need to generate some kind of goal that I can chase after, but I don’t think that’s ever been something I’ve been good at, and I just can’t figure out anything else I’d be interested in at all. Best I’ve come up with is trying out different stuff to see if something sticks, so I’ve taken a few grad classes in [subject A] and some JC classes in [subjects B & C], but nothing’s really stuck. So, you know, just generally baffled.

        I dunno if any of that makes sense; I’m just frustrated and felt like kind of venting online tonight.

        1. PX*

          Honestly, highly recommend therapy. I had a very crap 2019 with a lot of the same kind of feelings that you describe where nothing seemed to excite me or make me happy, even things which I knew objectively from prior experience usually would.

          Therapy was great at letting me figure out that a ton of it actually came from job dissatisfaction. And I wouldnt be surprised if figuring that out maybe helps you be more positive about the idea that you can actually find something that will pay enough in the Bay Area even if it isnt exactly what you do now (I imagine some kind of tech?) I mean, if for example, golf is a thing that makes you happy – are there any golf related companies you could work for (remotely)? I knew someone who worked for Nike Golf even though they actually did finance thing. But they were also a huge golf fan, so being able to work on (golf finance?) things and be around people that shared that interest made a huge difference to their general job/life satisfaction. So don’t discount being able to find a job that isnt radically different from what you do now, but in an area you enjoy enough that turns it from being a huge chore into…well..less of a chore.

          Also, on that goal thing? I think thats one of these modern trends that social media is awful for where it makes you think you always need to be doing more (aka hustle culture). My goal in life is generally to be able to make enough money to enjoy the things I like, and ideally not hate my job while I’m at it. I’d also love to retire early or go part time because I’m lazy and would like to work as little as possible. I wouldnt say I have some huge goal in life that I want to achieve. I want to have a nice easy life. Maybe help some people along the way. Thats pretty much it! So perhaps approach it more like, I want to maximise my life/enjoyment. What are the things that will help me do that?

          But therapy first if you can get it I would suggest.

          1. Grumpy, Sleepy, and Sneezy, LLP*

            Oh, yes I’m doing the therapy thing. It’s somewhat helpful, but it seems like I can’t really use it to address the underlying problem.

            I think the goal thing is just kind of related to what Not So NewReader said below – it’s just this thing where I get up, grind, eat, go to bed, and repeat over and over with no real mental break or reason for doing it (other than just surviving, of course). Like, I don’t really care much about achieving any particular thing, but the lack of purpose itself is the bothersome part.

            One thing I think is a good sort of metaphor for the whole thing is that on Sundays and sometimes Saturdays I kind of mentally gear up and tell myself “Well, rough week ahead. Just gotta get through this week,” but I find myself telling myself that same thing basically every week.

            As for what I do, I’m a lawyer and I work in civil litigation. I’m good at it, but literally the only pleasure of that job is winning. I don’t like writing, dealing with clients, going to court, any of it. What I’ve tried to explore lately is trying to find a part time-ish role with fairly firm boundaries so that I could basically isolate my work to a few days a week and avoid mentally or literally bringing my work home, but those roles seem to be almost nonexistent in practice.

        2. Reba*

          Oh yeah, Grumpy, we have been having just these kinds of conversations A LOT in my house over the past year. (Actually, probably at least 10 years. Anyway.) Am I good enough if I don’t have a cool/interesting job, if I don’t highly achieve in said job, if I don’t have a “passion” in or outside of work? Is the way I fill my time ok, should I be doing more?

          I do also agree to a large extent with PX about goal setting and vision boards and so on. They are helpful for many who are stuck, but they can also turn into another stick that you beat yourself with (in this case, not having a goal or not having goals that are good enough). Where does this sense of needing to set goals comes from; why set yourself up to do something you know you aren’t good at or don’t really respond to?

          The failure to find an interest that “sticks” could likely be related to the emotional flatness of depression, you know?

          For myself, I’ve been studying a new language over the past several months and while it’s super interesting, I don’t have the mental capacity to really do well at it right now, which is hella frustrating (as a former good student lol).

          I wonder if trying some challenges that are new or stretch your boundaries would help…could be as simple as doing a longer hike than you’ve done before (I like Mt Diablo in your area) or what about rock climbing or something. What I’m trying to get at is to do something that’s hard, but that doesn’t come freighted with these questions about, like, what you’re supposed to be doing with your life. Physicality is a plus. I hope that makes sense!

          1. Grumpy, Sleepy, and Sneezy, LLP*

            The “physicality is a plus” thing really speaks to me. I can’t stand sitting at a desk all day or dressing up for work, and almost all of the community/recreational stuff I mentioned has a physical aspect to it. I also had a decently high physical peak late in college, so I’m pretty bothered by feeling like a total slug the last several years.

            I also think you’re onto something with finding something else to do. Work is such a never-ending conveyor belt of unpleasant task after unpleasant task, though, that when I get done for the day I just don’t have the mental capacity to do much of anything. And of course I’m constantly fighting off feelings of dread about upcoming tasks and deadlines and the like even when I’m not working. So it’s like, I feel like I need some way to escape that feeling, but it’s not clear how to do it.

            As for the goal thing, I think, like I mentioned above in response to PX, I think it’s less that I feel like I need to have a goal or accomplish things for the sake of it than that I feel sort of, I don’t know, lost and purposeless maybe? Like achieving things isn’t really important to me, but I feel like I need something to chase a little bit.

            Anyway, just kind of rambling again. Thanks for responding!

            1. Reba*

              You know, there are some articles/resources online about mental health specifically for former athletes. I wonder if any of that material may strike a chord with you. When you are a sports person you not only have physically challenging work before your that feels good, it also comes with pretty clear goals, structure and ways of measuring progress.

              1. Grumpy, Sleepy, and Sneezy, LLP*

                That’s a good point and I may do some Googling later to see if I can find anything. Maybe there’s something there that’ll sound like how my brain works.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      To me it felt like a hamster wheel, get up, go to work, come home, take care of home, go to bed and the next day repeat it all.

      It doesn’t feel rewarding, it feels like maintaining the status quo. This is it? This is life? yikes.

      You mention retiring. Let’s roll with that. What does retirement look like to you? What will you be doing in retirement? If you can picture what you will be doing, then you can start to work backwards to figure out NOW, what it will take to get you there.

      You also mention community groups. It sounds like working with other people brings light into your life? Why not take that path of least resistance? You know this works, so why not go there again? You can follow this path for a while until another path materializes. Not everything has to be a decades long commitment. Do something for a while until it occurs to you that you would enjoy doing something else.

      Last. Do you think you are getting enough rest? Lack of sleep causes the thinking process to get really encumbered and in some ways unnecessarily encumbered. Maybe just adding more rest to your schedule would change this entire picture as you are better equipped to sort out where to go next.

      1. Grumpy, Sleepy, and Sneezy, LLP*

        The hamster wheel analogy is 100% on point. Just exactly how I feel about it, though I might add that not only do I have the “This is it? Yikes.” feeling, but also an “I need to escape immediately but see no way out” feeling.

        Anyway, as for retirement, honestly, I really, really don’t need much. I can see myself working some two or three day a week job at a coffee shop or golf course or bowling alley, or bartending or something, and trying to continue my community work (it’s a very part time thing) and exercising, with some travel mixed in. I’d like to go out to restaurants and hang out in coffee shop and bars with some regularity. Really, pretty typical stuff I think. It’s not much that I’m after anything big when I get there as much as I’d like to get there as soon as possible with some degree of confidence in my money situation.

        I think the other thing is that I *constantly* feel regretful about how I’ve spent maybe the last 10-12 years of my life, and I *really* don’t want to waste the next 20 or 30 years on the same kind of stuff. But I can’t figure out how to do that or really where to start, and it just really, really bothers me.

        Sleep-wise, I think I get enough sleep pretty consistently. I briefly had some sleep problems maybe 10 years ago, and I have to say that was a very bad experience that I am very, very grateful is in the past!

    3. TPS reporter*

      I too have experienced this anhedonia off and on. One big change that has helped me is integrating fitness as a staple in my life. And very disciplined technical fitness, i.e. a professional trainer. I find that I feel very emotionally stimulated by having new little fitness challenges every week. It’s weird because I never thought I wanted this in my life until my 30s but it’s changed everything.

      On the career feont- Have you thought about going in house? It can be a little less money but it’s better hours and can be more rewarding to be closer to the business. I work in an in house contracting department for a medical system. It’s mostly interesting and the pay/benefits/hours are good. Everyone that has come from a firm has preferred the transition. Your 30s is a good time to switch trajectories, it’s very common in my field.

      1. Grumpy, Sleepy, and Sneezy, LLP*

        Yeah, I’ve considered in-house work but there’s very little out there that corresponds with litigation experience other than maybe insurance defense, which (a) I just don’t have the stomach for and (b) isn’t really “in house” work in any meaningful sense of the term. Really, I just want to escape the legal world completely. Everyone is miserable and tired and argumentative, for the most part, and the work just absolutely sucks.

        But yeah, I do think there’s something to getting into fitness, but I think I need to make it a bit more of a competitive thing for it to work for me. It’s hard for me to stay interested in general fitness just for the sake of it, particularly given time constraints in a typical day. Maybe I need to become one of those people that are super into marathons or something?

        1. TPS reporter*

          My old gym that closed due to COVID had a lot of fun competitions. It was kinda like crossfit but less corporate

          I know a lot of lawyers who are in non lawyer roles. I promise your writing, analytical, communication skills will be valuable across many disciplines. I hire people all of the time who know nothing about contracts and have done great because they’re willing to learn and have just really good general soft skills that I can’t train.

  71. The Other Dawn*

    Does anyone have recommendations for flower garden planning software? I want to plan a large garden in the side yard, but I’m very stuck on the design, specifically pathways and layout. Doesn’t have to be free. I’m looking for something that’s relatively easy to use that will help me visualize, try different things, help me plan where to put plants based on height, width, blooming times, etc.

    I have an old house (1735), so I will likely go with something a little more symmetrical to match what I’ve seen in Colonial Williamsburg and other historical sites. I don’t want super formal shrubs, but more of a semi-formal design. In colonial gardens, the layout is usually that each section mirrors another, like the four corners are all the same and beds within mirror the one across from them. I don’t know why, but this completely stumps me. The side yard is quite large. I don’t know the exact measurements, but just by looking at it I estimate I could easily accommodate something that’s 30 x 60 feet, for example. (Although, that’s a lot of work and expensive to establish!)

    As far as shrubs, I’m thinking about some mock orange, fuchsia, white spirea, maybe some hefty hydrangeas, which would probably go around the border to create some privacy. I’d also love some azaleas and rhododendron, though I know azaleas might not tolerate full sun (garden would get roughly 10 hours of full sun). As far as flowers, I’m not sure yet. But those would be mixed within the garden.

    Any suggestions are welcome. Thanks!

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I meant to add that I’ve Googled lots and the results and reviews are overwhelming for someone who is a very basic gardener, so comments based on real experience would be helpful.

      1. Chilipepper*

        I am recently obsessed with #van life, #skoolie, #ambulance conversions. Is anyone else here plugged into all that? Do you have a van or skoolie? Do you have favorite resources?

    2. Ali G*

      Have you tried hiring someone to help with this? In my area, you can get someone from the local garden store to come to your house for $50 and they will do a garden plan for you. You can then either pay the store to do the installation or do it yourself.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I had a landscape architect design my front garden last year, aye – he did measurements, worked with me to identify what general look I was going for (something interesting year round, heavy on foliage rather than mostly flowers, reds/oranges/purples, LOW MAINTENANCE), and brought me back a layout, a four season plan showing what would be blooming or whatever in each season, and a booklet describing each of the plants and their care requirements. (Half of them are plants I never even heard of, but they’re all lovely.) Plus he partnered with landscapers that are used to working with his plans to actually acquire and plant the plants, so I ended up getting a package deal.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        I hadn’t thought of that. I’ll have to check the local garden centers and see what they offer.

  73. BumbleBumbleBeee*

    Low stakes dating question but am wondering how to handle this.

    I went on 2 dates with a person. I just wasn’t feeling it so I told him after the 2nd date that he was a nice guy but I just wasn’t really into dating right now(this wasn’t a lie as I’ve been feeling low energy about dating in general). He responded really well and thought that was that. A week later, he requested me on a few social media channels which I thought was a bit odd. He then sent me a text about a week after from a vaca he was on that I didn’t respond to. That was 2 weeks ago and I received another text today asking what I’ve been up to. Honestly, I have no desire to be friends or pen pals with him. I understand some people are open to making friendships work when dating doesn’t work out but that’s not for me!

    Now I understand I’m not obligated to be nice to him and I know I could tell him to get lost or block him but I’m also trying to be compassionate as I know these are weird times and we’re all feeling a bit lonely. I feel when I told him I’m not interested in dating, I made my stance clear so I’m OK continuing to ignore any texts but is it more compassionate to say something?

    1. MissGirl*

      I would just ignore. You’ve already rejected him and your answer isn’t going to change. Some guys break their own hearts, according to wise words from my dad.

    3. Still*

      Did you accept his social media requests? If you did, he might have read it as a signal that you’re open to staying in touch, in which case his messages are a bit more understandable. In that case I might message him once to say you don’t have the energy to stay in touch or extend your circle of friends right now, and then I’d unfriend/disconnect.

      If you’ve never accepted any of his requests… Well, then he’s being very weird. If somebody turns you down after two dates and then ignores your attempts to get in touch, that’s a pretty strong indication they’d like to be left alone. I’d keep ignoring him and let him figure it out on his own.

      Either way, I’d do one polite message, tops, and then ignore. He wants to be in touch, you don’t, I think a clear “no” and then disconnecting is the kindest thing to do. I don’t see what else you could possibly offer that would be helpful.

    4. Reba*

      I think that if you feel up to it, it would be kind to send a clarification text before setting to full ignoring. You don’t have to! But as you say, you are aware that people have different norms around this (add to social network, become friends vs. never speak again), so unless their messages are pushy or oblivious, I don’t think the other person has really done anything wrong or over the line. You could try saying something like, “I’m not really up for being friends either, it’s such a weird time, thanks for understanding.”

      Then again, people do sometimes respond poorly so, YMMV.

    5. Call me St. Vincent*

      Personally I like slowing the communication down until it just disappears. Maybe same effect as ghosting but softer ?

    6. Not A Manager*

      Potato, potahto. He doesn’t sound like a serious pest or actually scary, so I think it’s up to you. If you never respond to these occasional overtures, he’ll probably eventually stop making them.

      If you feel like it, you could send him one text that says something like “Glad you enjoyed your vacation! I don’t have the bandwidth right now for new friends, so I’m going to ask you to take me off your contacts list. Thanks for understanding!” Or whatever. If you already told him you’re not dating him, and you haven’t been responding to his texts, this won’t be shocking news to him.

      I’m someone who prefers to communicate directly if possible, so I would opt for the second one (so long as it didn’t feel unsafe) even though it’s more awkward in the moment. But there’s nothing wrong with just not responding.

    7. PX*

      This is honestly really up to you and how much energy you want to put into it. I would say you can ignore or message with a clear conscience as your heart desires.

      The only thing to be mindful of – and which I have definitely been guilty of in the past – is letting people down with a “soft no” and saying something like, “oh, I have no romantic feelings but always happy to make more friends” or something like that. And there are times when this is true and I’ve gone on to be friends with people I had a few dates with, but there are times I am super not interested in the person, but default to saying that just because I’m trying to be nice (I am very conscious about doing this now and try very hard not to!). So I guess just wondering if at any point, he may have gotten that impression? From your post, it doesnt sound like it – and he just seems like a pushy guy tbh, but just throwing it out there that he may have latched onto something you said in passing and hence the trying to keep in touch.

      Or also likely, because you said you arent interested in dating “right now”, he wants to keep in touch so that when you are interested in dating, he can have a second chance. Which I actually find even more annoying.

      1. Mstt*

        +1. By saying you’re not into dating “right now” … you’ve left the door open for him to check in/wait for you to be ready/continue contacting you. You could try to follow up with a firmer no. For example “I appreciate the effort you’re making to keep in touch but I truly don’t have room for more people in my life (don’t say ‘right now’) /or I prefer to stop communicating now that we know this isn’t a match.” Then ignore.

  74. Overeducated*

    Having a yard. Where do I even start?

    I’ve finally moved from city apartments to a little city house with a postage stamp of a backyard. Spring approaches and I’m not sure what to do and where to start! The little yard itself is pretty scrubby right now – not a lot of grass cover, a bit of moss and frozen mud, some ivy growing into it from the neighbors’ yard that we tried to cut back in the fall, and some old fall leaves we didn’t put out as yard trash because the idea of leaves as trash seemed so weird to me. How do I make it greener and more pleasant? Do I need to get rid of the leaves or will they help? Should I throw some kind of seed on so something will grow? If so, what and when in the year? I live in the Chesapeake Bay watershed, if that helps.

    There are also two flower beds, level with the ground, with last year’s mulch that I don’t trust (it is an old house and I don’t know if there are any lead paint flakes fell in during maintenance work). They don’t have much planted in them, a couple small rose bushes in one and a couple small hydrangeas in the other. Theoretically, I could see keeping the roses but trying to plant an herb garden or even a few small vegetables in the other, but that may be the bed that gets less sun. Should I try to remove the old mulch and get new dirt? Should I also try to build up one or both of the beds higher to fit it so we’re less reliant on existing soil? I didn’t think putting plants in dirt was that complicated but apparently when you mix in old homes, it is.

    Thanks for any advice!

    1. twocents*

      If you haven’t cleaned up the leaves yet, you may find that leaving them all winter killed the grass. And depending on what insects are common, you may also end up with a grub infestation. I learned the first the hard way, a neighbor of mine learned the second the hard (and very expensive) way too.

      1. Overeducated*

        Oh nooooo! I raked most of them onto the mulch and a pile in a muddy spot, but maybe i should move what’s left of the pile. Grub infestation sounds disgusting.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I feel the need to speak up. There are grubs and there are grubs… I put up with a less than perfect lawn because I love fireflies.

    2. Bobina*

      Ooh, as someone who also got into plants and things this year, I am jealous of your yard!

      As far as crowdsourcing ideas go, Reddit (r/gardening) is surprisingly good and you can post pictures and ask for help. One tip I’ve definitely learned is if you havent lived there a full year, it can be worth waiting and learning more about your garden before you start getting serious about it. Things like how much sun it gets at which times are key (aka how is it oriented), and also figuring out what kind of soil you have. From there, an easy thing to do can just be to start by looking for plants that suit your garden (ie is it sunny or shady). Also, how much maintenance do you want to do? Some plants will require a lot, others less. Typically once you have an idea of what plants you want, it becomes easier as they will then have guidance about what kind of soil they need, when to plant them etc.

      As far as things like the leaves go, you can compost them (have a dedicated place for them), but if you do just pile them in a corner, yes, it is possible that you will find out that the area underneath is now a bit of a dead zone.

      As far as resources, I tend to use google a lot, Gardeners World/RHS are two good resources that have basic how-to guides (UK oriented though), but as someone upthread also commented, if you have a local garden centre, the staff there are often super knowledgeable and keen to help and share advice. Or if you really want the easy option, throw some money at it and get a landscape gardener in!

    3. fposte*

      Lead is generally more of a threat to kids who’d ingest the dirt, but lead-tainted soils can cling to edibles. It sounds like it’s enough of a concern for you that it might be worthwhile to get the soil tested. If you think there’s an ongoing shedding problem I’d plant edibles away from the house.

      1. Venus*

        Lead testing tends to be unreliable (I looked into it for my home’s paint). I have done raised beds with new soil.

      2. J. F.*

        It’s true that lead surface-wipe testing is unreliable, but the kind where you chip off some paint/dig up some dirt and send it off to a certified lab or the county extension is, in fact, quite reliable. Source: I am a biochemist, I have used XRF and AA specs, and my father did chemical safety for 40 years.

        1. Venus*

          Sorry, yes, obvious in hindsight as I have someone lined up to do the sampling and lab testing as soon as going into homes is less worrisome!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Like Dawn above you might benefit from having someone from a local nursery come out to your place and advise you.

      In general terms, clean up the debris. This means sticks and leaves. Leaves have to be ground up to be useful any time soon. It takes a while for an intact leave to break down and decay back into the soil. You’d probably be better off removing them as leaves bring bugs, molds, and give small rodents a place to hide.

      Next you want to look at air and light. Low hanging limbs, especially those that hit you in the head, need to go. If you have a lot of trees it might be worth it to have someone come and “raise the canopy” meaning cut the lower limbs that are safety issues or block a lot of light.

      Unless you see paint chips on the ground, I think I’d be less worried about lead in the soil. I admit that in the course of helping a friend with her house, I used a wet-dry vac and literally vacuumed her flower beds to pull up chips of paint. Do not do this unless you absolutely have to, it’s a PITA. I do think that planting edibles away from the house might be a good idea, since you see cause for concern.

      I am a big fan of spending the first year just mostly observing what is going on with the yard. Notice where water puddles up in the spring. Notice which side of the house has the most sun. Even figuring out which door you use the most can be a factor in how you plan your yard. I had to figure out where to put the dog run, where to park guests’ cars, where to make my compost pile and a number of other things. This really filled up my first year here.

      In your setting I think for this year, I’d plan a good clean up and pruning. You mention mosses this usually means shade and moisture. So you want to see what is up with that.

      Your nursery will help you figure out when to seed the lawn. I am in NY and we can seed in spring and fall. We can also put down grass seed that sits dormant over the winter. I am not always a fan of the dormant seeding- it depends on the setting- does the water drain off well, etc.

      I am a big fan of finding a local small business nursery and using them as a go-to. Small businesses will remember your name and remember something about you. Because you routinely buy things there you will feel more free to stop by and ask questions as things come up.

      If you don’t have yard equipment such as a mower, this year can be the year to gather these things. If you take advantage of tag sales you can probably find rakes, shovel, hoes and such for a couple dollars each as opposed to whatever they charge in stores now.
      The first year is the hardest because everything is new. Next year you will have more orientation and more reference points.

    5. Casey*

      Oh!!! Since you’re in the Bay Watershed, you should reach out to ShoreRivers (I don’t work for them, just volunteer occasionally). If you’re on the Eastern Shore, they’ll have advice about native plants and stormwater/runoff management (and possibly know of a cost-sharing program), and if you’re not on the Shore, they’ll know a similar organization to reach out to.

    6. *daha**

      Check your lease (if applicable) and HOA rules (if applicable) to see if you’ve got any limits or requirements. I’d want to know whether it is okay to put a tree in or take one out, for instance, or if any specific kind of ground cover is mandatory or forbidden.
      The best thing to do with leaves is to run your power mower over them if you’ve got one. Pretty much all of them these days automulch, meaning they’ll shred grass and leaves small enough to just leave the remnants in place.

    7. Blue wall*

      I also found the podcast You Bet Your Garden to be a great resource of varied home and gardening information.

    8. Anono-me*

      I’ve always had the best luck with local garden club sales.

      People who are dedicated gardeners will divide up the perennials that need it in the Spring and sell or trade the excess, often they will do the same with any extra annual seedlings. The group sales are usually to raise funds for the garden club or a charity. Private sales are usually to fund new plants.

      The selection is more limited, but the price is usually much lower and you know for certain that the perennials are winter hardy for your area. Also most of the participants are excited to share ideas and knowledge.

      You might want to check with your city or trash company to see if leaves can be thrown in the trash or if they and other yard waste need to go a compost site. (Pro tip: do NOT leave yard waste in your vehicle overnight. The stench will be overwhelming.)

    9. BlueWolf*

      If you feel weird about putting the leaves out as trash (yard waste), check into what your county does with the waste. I live in Maryland, and I believe most, if not all, counties take the yard waste and turn it into compost to sell or sometimes have it available for free or low cost to residents. It might make you feel better about setting it out to be picked up. As for what to plant, I’m not much help as I am just getting into gardening myself. I just built a raised bed to grow some veggies this year, partly because I don’t trust our existing soil. If you’re on Facebook, you could look for a local gardening group. I joined one for vegetable gardening and people are happy to answer questions or provide advice.

  75. Chilipepper*

    I am recently obsessed with #van life, #skoolie, #ambulance conversions. Is anyone else here plugged into all that? Do you have a van or skoolie? Do you have favorite resources?

    1. Not A Manager*

      When I read “ambulance conversions” I thought it was people who underwent sudden religious conversions in an ambulance. I had many questions.

      1. Chilipepper*

        Lol, for anyone who thought something similar, there are people who convert ambulances, school buses, and large vans to living spaces and travel around the world.

  76. Potatoes gonna potate*

    I know lots of families can be toxic and have drama, nucleaer and extended family alike, but sometimes it feels like I’m the only one with extremely complicated family. Even though I know that’s not true.

    I come home and my mother gleefully tells me “did you know A (my cousin) is getting married?” I’m like…no I had no idea. She says don’t ask her, see if she invites you, that’ll show you if they care about you. *eye roll*

    I texted my cousin right away asked her and she said she wasn’t going to announce it just yet but it’ll be an immediate family only event no extended family, she’s sorry etc etc. I’m a bit miffed I won’t be invited but that’s outweighed by my being excited for her cz I am truly happy for her. But there’s a tiny voice in my head saying “well they do everything else without caring about COVID, why now? they just don’t want to invite you.” And I don’t know if that’s a rational voice or it’s the inner voice of my parents who have alwyas felt like everything was an insult against me and everyone in the world is jealous of me.

    A is my cousin on my dad’s side. After my dad died, a lot of the elder relatives began ignoring my mother, one of them allegedly spread rumors etc etc. My relationship stayed the same with the younger ones. She cut them off and expected me to as well. One of those relatives is now severely ill, so she’s been making amends which is how she came to know about my cousin.

    I’m so tired of living this way. Every single action is a big deal. Even if they try to do anything nice (like dropping off a gift when baby was born and respecting our distancing) had some bad intent ascribed to it. And my husband is now getting hte same way, he thinks being alone and isolated is better than being disrespected constantly (he has his own issues from his side of the family where many of them used him).

    I’m sorry if this seems so convoluted and not making sense. Basically there’s always been “history” over the years and I’m pretty much sick of it. I honestly don’t care anymore that they treated my mother like crap after my dad died. I don’t care that I had a fight with so and so cousin 5 years ago, 15 years ago etc. That our mothers didn’t like each other. It took me a long time to unlearn that everyone is out to get me these people are human and have their own things going on.

    So crowdsourcing this question — is it really ever easy to break free from these stupid toxic patterns? I’m 3-freaking-5 years old with a child of my own, I shouldn’t have to be second guessing every single action or non-action a family member makes.

    1. astilla*

      I mean this kindly: You have been asking versions of this question for a while now. At some point it stops making sense to come here and ask it in different ways. The answer is what it has always been. Therapy! There is no shame in therapy. If you want to work on these issues, that is the simplest way to do it. Lots of people break free of these patterns by working with a therapist. Is it something you are considering?

      1. anonny*

        +1

        When you keep asking the same question in different ways and never take the advice people offer, it’s a vent not a request for advice and AAM’s rules ask you not to use the site for venting.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Tbh, I’m not really sure what you’re referring to about the same question over and over, the last “serious” question I asked was about having single children. Im sorry if this post sounds like venting, that definitely wasn’t my intent. Thanks!

        2. Potatoes gonna potate*

          @anonny – also I’m not sure how you can glean that I’ve never taken any advice. Unless you’re going to hold things that I said 7+ months ago against me which is super weird.

          So, like I said I wasn’t venting and if you’ve been here long enough to say that I constantly vent and never follow the rules you’ll also know that AAM’s asked to not play moderator in the comments and to use the report feature. Thanks!

          1. The Original Stellaaaaa*

            You’re asking for responses though. People responded to you 7+ months ago, and you continually post the same information while somehow expecting new responses. These are the responses you’re getting now: that we have nothing new to offer about a situation that hasn’t changed. Forgive me, but it comes off like you’re trying to control the feedback that you’re being given by subtly insulting people who aren’t telling you what you want to hear. In a nutshell, that’s one of the things therapy is for: you’re paying someone to listen to whatever you want to say, after you’ve reached the point where the people in your “real” life no longer want to hear it. It sounds blunt, but if you find value in continually expressing these things over and over, eventually you need to find a new audience for it. The good news is that this audience exists and is available for a fee.

            And it’s not weird for people to have memories extending back 7 months, and to use other people’s own freely-made statements to form opinions about them.

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Which question? Breaking old patterns? I didn’t realize.
        Therapy, yes. did it for a while, didn’t like it. Open to it again but I have very limited time and means. I feel like I have so many many many things wrong, I wouldn’t even know where to begin and what takes precedence.

        1. LibbyG*

          This question seems to be a great place to start working with a therapist. You describe here that you are stuck in patterns of perceptions and reactions that don’t work well for you. That’s exactly what therapy is for. You said a couple weeks ago that you typically have 3-4 hours a day free. So, consider investing in yourself like this.

        2. Mstt*

          Can you just stop? There is nothing to worry about in the situation you posted … you know you have an irrational fear — understandable, but not true or helpful or worth the time you’re spending worrying about it (and asking others to worry about it). It’s a non-event — nothing happened so posters can’t tell you how to deal with something that truly doesn’t matter. There’s no actionable step here beyond wish your cousin the best, ignore your mom & move on. Which you’ve mostly done!! Just stop giving this topic (and others like it) your time & energy & focus on other things. Find a project, watch tv, spend time with your kid, bake a cake, write a novel, call a friend — let all the things in your life take priority over worrying about this. You already know it isn’t serving you. Writing your post gave it more attention than it deserves, didn’t it?

          & if you can’t stop giving weight to this then please follow the advice of these many kind people to get mental health treatment.

    2. AspiringGardener*

      Therapy, therapy, therapy

      You can break these patterns for yourself and your child but it’s going to take real work and introspection.

      1. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

        +1 here. At this point, with the history of posts on the family dynamic, therapy or counseling is your best bet. Even if it’s virtual, there are affordable options out there. You can find one who specializes in family matters and prioritize things like breaking patterns and not letting family members get to you, despite the physical circumstances of your family arrangement. Boundaries would be another good topic to pair with that. That’s a start to unpack and set some realistic goals. Not everything needs to be solved with therapy/counseling, but if you find a few viable tools to use with at least some family relationships, that’s a start. Once you see success with those tools, you’ll see they can apply in a lot of other facets of life and things start “clicking”.

    3. ThatGirl*

      Try to get your mom’s voice out of your head and listen to your own. Weddings can make people crazy, there’s usually a budget, they may just want things to be very small…. the point being it’s probably not about you.

      I do think therapy would help you get a wider view of this all, to see that you can live your life on your terms and interact with your family the way you want to, not the way your mom or cousin or whomever dictates. Think about what you want to model for your own kid(s) going forward. No, you don’t have to second guess everything… what’s stopping you from stopping?

      Also Captain Awkward gets mentioned here a lot, but she’s really excellent at identifying bad dynamics to help you stop them. Recommend her archives.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        what’s stopping you from stopping?

        That’s what I’m trying to figure out and I think I’ve pinpointed what I can bring up in therapy if I ever get there. It’s something that I’ve struggled with –
        “Fine do whatever you want!”
        “OK I will!” — I don’t.

        It sounds so easy, why didn’t I just do it? Go there, do the thing, go to that event, meet that person.

    4. RagingADHD*

      Did they treat your mom like crap, or were they just relieved to not have to deal with her anymore?

      From everything you’ve posted about her over the years, it sounds like your dad’s family took a pretty reasonable approach – they tried to maintain contact with you, and didn’t force themselves to deal with her crap anymore. That’s not jealousy or cruelty on their part, that’s natural consequences of her being horrible.

      No, it’s never easy to break free from the crap, but I know from experience that when you realize you learned everything from an unreliable narrator and nothing they ever told you can be trusted, that helps a lot. There’s still friction, but it gets easier to form your own opinions of people.

      Sometimes it turns out the unreliable narrator was giving you some useful information — like that this person is aloof, or that person is volatile. But often not. And the motives/reasons are almost always wrong.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Completely agree – even as a child the “they’re jealous of you” was BS. Maybe it was true, idk. But it’s weird going through life thinking everyone is out to get you.

        No, it’s never easy to break free from the crap, but I know from experience that when you realize you learned everything from an unreliable narrator and nothing they ever told you can be trusted, that helps a lot. There’s still friction, but it gets easier to form your own opinions of people.
        I think I’m right in the middle of that right now – knowing everything was unreliable and untrusted, but still trying to move forward.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Then keep going, it does improve.

          FWIW, I think you went about this the right way, because

          a) Texting someone with good wishes when you hear happy news is a nice, normal thing to do, and

          b) Keeping your disappointment to yourself is the right thing to do.

          The way you work out new relationships with these folks is to consistently do the nice, normal, and right things. There’s a Bible verse I remind myself of: “As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

          I know you’re not a Bible-y person, but it’s well put – it doesn’t depend solely on you, but you can do your part to improve things by just bringing peace into the situation.

          And you can bring that peace even when you don’t feel completely peaceful inside.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      I only know what you included in this one comment, but the wedding situation doesn’t sound toxic or complicated at all. Your cousin is either having a small wedding, or is politely deflecting the conversation. Those are both normal and reasonable things to do, and you kind of put her on the spot by texting her instead of letting her announce the wedding how/when she had wanted.

      It’s unfortunate that your mom’s dynamic with extended family affects your relationships with them too, and it sounds like she is the source of a lot of the drama you’re experiencing (calling to tell you about a wedding she knows hasn’t been widely announced, treating an invite as a referendum on how much the couple likes you, apparently taking joy in sharing info she knows will hurt you). Maybe managing those relationships directly and ignoring your mom’s interpretations and commentary would help?

      But yeah, it’s not easy to break free from family patterns on your own and it sounds like these issues are far beyond the scope of an advice column or internet forum.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I think it’s completely normal and reasonable for her to do that. That’s my point – that I think it’s perfectly fine but I know certain people are going to make it way more complicated and dramatic htan it need be.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          What “certain people”? Your mom? So what? You know your mom has issues, you believe she’s wrong, so it’s time to roll your eyes and ignore her. Form your own opinions of your family members, forge your own adult relationships with them. If you find it hard to break old patterns, which is not uncommon, then it’s time to talk to a professional who can walk you through that.

          1. Dark Macadamia*

            +1

            You can’t stop other people from being dramatic but you can decline to participate in the drama.

        2. Eff Walsingham*

          If it helps at all, I’ve kind of come out on the other side of where you’re at. On one side of my family, I would not know if anyone was getting married, or probably not for months after it happened. The elders have retired to their corners in ones and twos to nurse their perceived wounds, and I moved across the country (partly to escape the dynamics) decades ago. Sometimes I don’t call or email for a few months. (There’s a pandemic. What would I say? Went to work, came home. They’re retired. Everyone avoids them. They’re as safe as anyone their age can be.)

          I try never to tell them anything personal that they can litigate or take as a slight or or or. And there are almost no people my age on that side, which probably helps. I am still discovering little pockets of pain and disappointment over the fact that most of the people who swung me over their heads and said I was wonderful when I was little didn’t even bother to respond to my wedding invitations, but *it is not my fault, and there’s nothing I can do to change them*.

          Yes, therapy helped. So has my wonderful spouse, who has a much more sane… well, a differently crazy family. Warmer to each other, anyway.

          And another pleasant surprise has been the other side of my family, where the rift was artificial. In that part of the world, about 70 years ago, it was apparently so scandalous that a couple got pregnant prior to marriage that the couple in question moved far away in order to escape scrutiny or shame or whatever. It’s so odd to me, because they got married! And raised children! But apparently they felt they could only rarely go home, for about 40 years! So I’ve got all these cousins on the other side of the family that I’ve only heard about but never seen. And now we talk on the phone occasionally, and they just sound so normal! To me, it’s like a movie script. No undercurrents, no drama. We’re looking forward to visiting them after the plague is over.

          In my personal, non-professionally-therapeutic opinion, maybe the best way to look at a painful situation might be to try and see the situation through your child’s eyes? Maybe that might help you to get some distance from the “unreliable narrators” before they start to stress out the next generation. And try to fill your child’s life with positive influences and good friends; and if anyone pulls a fade try to model *not taking it personally* but just be matter-of-fact: “I guess the Smiths are too busy for playdates now. Let’s see who else might be available?”

          I have had multiple friends who were only able to break destructive habits once they had kids to worry about. They didn’t want to pass on the things in their lives that made them less happy. This might be a fine time to focus in on your own nuclear family you are forging day by day; and let outside forces go to the wayside if at all possible. What rational person could fault you for putting your baby first?

          All the best, and bless your home.

      2. Bluephone*

        Word, these are issues for a therapist to deal with. Between sliding scales, online therapy (that pandemic life), etc there’s no excuse for not taking these concerns to a licensed professional instead of a job advice website with 1999 comment software.

        1. anonny*

          I think the change in rules last year helped a lot but I wonder if Alison would consider discouraging mental health questions here in general. As you say, this website is not the place for them and it does get alarming when it feels like people are avoiding therapy and posting here instead.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Potatoes, you really need to break free of your mother’s opinions.

      Your mom has a knack of attaching something negative to almost everything. If you won a million dollars your mom would say, “Now you won’t know who your friends are because everyone will use you for your money.”

      There’s a technical term for this: Killjoy.

      Your mom tries to take the joy out of anything she can and as often as she can. It’s wearing on you and it’s wearing on your hubby.

      This has been going on for most of your life. You can’t get out of it because every time you interact with her she does it AGAIN. She reinforces these negative thought patterns and now those patterns have taken up residence inside your head.

      Until you decide you will do what it takes to get peace in your thoughts, it’s going to continue on this way. I dunno how closely you have been following but we have a few commenters here who are very interesting to watch because of the way they seek to bring peace into their lives.
      We have Dan whose mom is Not Nice. He’s worked on distancing himself and carving out his own road in life. I enjoy his candor and I enjoy his honesty.
      We have nep, I dunno where nep has been but I am figuring it’s definitely a story because she works hard at bringing peaceful, gentle things into her life and sharing peace loving thoughts with others. There’s usually reasons for that. If I get to be even half the peaceful person she is I will have accomplished something.
      I am sorry to those others who I have missed here. These two people jump out in my mind atm- but I do think of other specific people here often. I’d suggest, Potatoes, that if you watch here, you will see people’s lives playing out right in front of you. Like nep and Dan we have many people who are seeking something better. This is healthy, this is what healthy people do. They realize something is up and they start to figure out if they should fix it or if they should move away from it.

      Potatoes, I really like you and I really hope that at some point you decide to just stop letting your mother rob you of your joy in life. I would like to be wrong about this, but I think your mother’s chronic negativity is interfering with your ability to work and your ability to live life.

      I will do one specific example and then I will shut up. Your cousin. Uh, maybe all she can afford is a simple gathering. It’s no one’s business. It sounds like your mother’s family is sick of your mother’s toxic negativity and they have left her because of it. Your cousin is not doing anything “at you” because she chose not to invite a whole slew of people, not just you. If you chose a small gathering, wouldn’t you just want your cousin and others to respect that? It’s relatively simple actually. Your mother is the person who is making it complex. Your mother is the one who cannot live and let live.

      Going the other way, let’s say it is everything your mother things times 100. This is good information to know. Move away from the cousin and seek strong, positive relationships with other people. Again, here also you win because you end up with healthy relationships around you. Just because two people are kin that does not automatically mean they have to be besties.

      Until you decide to set boundaries with your mother, you will continue to have these posts here where mom did x and now you are upset. Nothing will change until you change. If you cannot find any other motivation, realize that you now have a child and you MUST protect her.

  77. Alex*

    I go to multiple places. I go to two different large grocery stores, Trader Joes, the local farm market, and the Indian grocery store for spices, rice, and lentils. I’ll also occasionally go to Whole Foods for something specific.

    I don’t go to all of these places every week, though. I’d say I do 60% of my shopping at one of the large supermarkets.

    1. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Sounds similar to mine, the Indian and halal meat shop are a once or twice a month thing. I’m not working now so I have the luxury of going to the grocery store on a weekday morning to avoid crowds.

      1. The Original Stellaaaaa*

        This isn’t meant to sound snarky: just above you mentioned that you don’t have the time for therapy. Why not skip a grocery run and use that time to schedule it? Why not change the way you mentally categorize these things?

Comments are closed.