Mortification Week: the museum captive, the accidental grope, and more

by Alison Green on August 11, 2021

It’s Mortification Week at AAM and all week long we’ll be revisiting ways we’ve mortified ourselves at work (pulling comments and letters from the archives). Here are 15 more mortifying stories people have shared here over the years.

1. Welcome to the jungle

“I work at a children’s hospital and was singing to get a child’s attention. His parents requested a specific song I was surprised by, but who am I to judge?

‘Welcome to the jungle, we’ve got fun and games…”

They died laughing, they wanted ‘WALKING in the Jungle,’ not Axl Rose.”

2. The smooch

“My most awkward work-related moment occurred when I was working alone, late at night, in my lab in grad school. I was very focused on my work, bent over a piece of equipment I was trying to fix, and I felt a hand land on my on my shoulder. I was dating a labmate of mine at the time, and she had a habit of giving me little pats and squeezes as we moved around the small space during the day. So I said, ‘Hey, sweetie pie,’ gave the hand a smooch, and realized that it was male and hairy.”

3. What?!

“As a new social worker I was conducting a home visit with one of my clients, who only spoke my second language, which I was a little rusty on at that point. After checking their bathroom for safety bars, I told them I would go write (my notes) in their living room. It was only after they stared at me in complete silence I realized I had accidentally told them I was going to go piss in their living room. Mortified.”

4. The fantasy life

“I am 100% to blame for this one. I can’t even tell you why I thought anything I used to do at work was a good idea.

I was in my first office job at about the age of 19, and landed in a situation where a few of us shared a similar sense of humour. Early in my tenure there someone had misheard me saying something about one of our IT contractors who lived in a different city and thought I had said he was my husband. I, of course, thought this was a hilarious mistake and it became a running joke that I was secretly married to this person. Over the course of a month or so it gained all kinds of detailed imaginary soap-opera backstory that we found pretty funny.

Some random Monday someone sent me a message on our primitive system asking how my weekend was. I went into a long creative writing exercise about how my imaginary husband and I had gotten into a terrible fight and ended up deciding to romantically renew our vows while taking a hot air balloon ride over the local industrial park. I went into intense detail (safe for work, thankfully), including using his name.

Of course, at the end of this I accidentally sent it to him instead of to my coworker.

Within maybe 8 seconds my phone rang. ‘Uh … what did I just read?'”

5. Misdirected high-five

“I had just started my new job at a nonprofit and was meeting some of our board members for the first time at an after-hours event. I was involved in a pleasant conversation with 4-5 others toward the end of the evening when one board member raised his hand to wave goodbye. I mistakenly thought he was raising his hand for a high-five (why? I don’t know!!). Instinct took over and I felt myself reaching across the circle with my hand over my head to high-five him. I knew I was mistaken as it was happening and could not stop myself in time. I ended up in the middle of the circle with my hand weirdly pressed against his. He gave me a blank look and turned around to leave. It felt like the whole thing happened in slow motion.

This board member and I now have a great relationship, but I have never mentioned our first meeting to him and he hasn’t brought it up either.”

6. “Any great ideas?”

“At my first job after college, I knew nothing but was full of enthusiasm. I attended a meeting where the sales team spoke in a slew of acronyms and things I didn’t understand, but I was too shy to ask anyone for clarification. The CEO then stops me in the break room after the meeting, and asked, ‘Get some great ideas at the meeting?’ and I responded with an enthusiastic ‘Yes!’ As he waited for me to elaborate on what those ideas actually were, I froze. The voice in my head kept saying ‘say SOMETHING’ but I couldn’t think of a thing. He waited a few minutes, then sighed and shuffled out of the break room.”

7. The topic that cannot be named

“My team at my nonprofit is mostly women in their early to late thirties, so naturally we had four pregnancies last year. I’m super awkward around babies and baby-related things (and realized that before this time, I had never spent a regular or consistent amount of time around a pregnant woman before? Which is strange but anyway). One of my pregnant coworkers and I were making small talk next to the microwave, and since I wasn’t sure when her baby was due, but didn’t want to ask outright because it seemed rude for some reason, I asked, ‘When is, you know….’ and proceeded to make a swooshing motion with my hands to suggest the baby coming out, all while making a 0_0 face. My coworker took it in stride, but I couldn’t even make my escape immediately because I was waiting for my lunch to finish microwaving!”

8. The Ring

“I was a few months into my new job and while riding the bus one morning to work I started to feel a little funny. It quickly escalated from ‘oh, I’m nauseous’ to ‘I am going to pass out.’ I distinctly remember thinking ‘maybe people on the bus will just think I’m sleeping’ as I began to fade out. Came to five minutes later and couldn’t remember how to speak English, was sweating profusely, and immediately vomited all over the man in front of me while everyone was yelling at me in concern – turns out I’d not passed out, I’d had a (totally unexpected and never happened before) seizure.

So anyway the bus is now at my destination and I’m totally bamboozled but coherent enough to recognize my stop so I staggered off the bus and, in total shock, into my workplace. Got to my desk, and a coworker comes up to ask how my weekend was. Instead of responding normally, I slammed my shaking hand down on the desk and said ‘I JUST HAD A SEIZURE I THINK’ at full volume. The poor guy had no idea what to do. He was like, ‘Why are you still here? Go to the hospital?’ I said, ‘MAYBE I’LL STAY HERE AND SEE HOW I FEEL’ and he was like, ‘No, you … definitely need to go to the hospital…”

At the time the whole thing was terrifying but looking back the next day when I was more coherent, I was totally humiliated. I had sweated through my clothes so badly it literally looked like I had stepped out of a shower (it was dripping off my hair), I had vomit all down my front, I was apparently absolutely white, and I couldn’t remember how to keep my tongue in my mouth so it kept lolling out. I have no idea what he must have thought of me, looking like I’d just crawled directly out of some low-budget version of The Ring. I still avoid thinking about that day because every time I do I’m just like ‘why didn’t I go to the hospital right away … why did I horrify my poor coworker…’

(I’m totally fine now!)”

9. The mayo

“Lesson in listening: Walking to lunch with my coworker, I mentioned I was going to get a hoagie. She started talking about something, and unfortunately, my stomach took over and instead of listening to her, I was contemplating what I should get on the hoagie. The perfect dressing occurs to me and I absentmindedly blurt out, ‘I bet it would be really good with some southwest mayo!’ She stopped, glared at me in disbelief and asked me to repeat myself. Turns out she was talking about how bad her feet were hurting her and that she might have to have her husband rub them that night, to which I seemingly replied, ‘I bet it would be really good with some southwest mayo!'”

10. The scooped boob

“A coworker brought her three-month-old daughter in to meet the staff before she officially returned to work. I was holding the baby while mom used the facilities. Our executive director, who never really joined in these ‘meet the baby’ things, decided he wanted to hold this baby. Before I had time to slightly extend my arms to transfer the baby, he tried to just scoop it out of my arms. When he did, one of his fingers caught on the underwire of my bra and my breast came out of the cup. He apparently realized what happened because he reached out to pull the cup back over my breast. It happened so fast – like in the space of 10 seconds or less. We never spoke of it, but I couldn’t look him in the eye for months.”

11. Someone pooped

“This was after my child was born, and I was working from home on a Friday, while my mom watched my infant daughter. I was on a conference call and thought I had muted my phone. I picked up the baby, who was cooing at me from her bouncy seat and said, very loudly into the phone, ‘Uh oh! I think someone pooped!'”

12. The truth-teller

“I was moderating a very exclusive retreat/seminar for C-level execs (companies paid about $100,000 to have one exec attend). On the first day, I was having each participant introduce themselves and provide one factoid about themselves or their company that they didn’t think anyone else knew. Since this was a yearly event, most of the group knew each other, but there were always a few newcomers. I was going alphabetically and came to Jack. He wasn’t there. Then I called out, ‘Jane.’ She wasn’t there. I’m thinking it’s really unusual for anyone to miss anything since they pay so much, and for some reason I still don’t understand, I said, ‘Maybe they are together.’

Well, the entire room roared with laughter. That off-hand comment certainly didn’t merit that response. Turns out they WERE having an affair (and therefore probably were late because they WERE together) and everyone but me apparently knew about it. Afterwards, I got lots of ‘I can’t believe you said that!’ or ‘Glad someone finally said something!’ I truly didn’t know and still cringe.”

13. Locked in a museum

“I went to France to work in a museum/post-office. (It was a very unpopular museum of the postal system in the morning and a fairly successful post office in the afternoons. I was sent by my mother in a misguided attempt to instil in me a love of French culture – it paid off in that I now have a deep seated desire for brie when posting things and can swear broadly about stamps in perfect French.)

On the first day, the other women who worked there offered for me to go out for the lunch break. I was an anxious teen (and now an anxious adult!) so I politely declined and hid inside to read my book and eat my packed lunch. The two women smiled at me (French-ly…?) and started nattering away in fast French as they sauntered off for a (very long) lunch break, locking the door behind them.

1 hour 30 minutes later, they returned and life resumed as normal. But in that 1 hour 30, I’d discovered dusty old museums of the post office are kind of terrifying and I desperately wanted to be outside in the sunshine. Particularly when a large dusty model of a French postal worker from the 1940s crashed over with no encouragement… It was spookier than it sounds! I made a decision to bite down the awkwardness and tell them the next day that I wanted to go explore.

So the next day, as lunch rolled around I took my heart in my hands and prepared to tell them I wanted out. Except, without asking, they simply left. And locked me inside. Staring balefully out at the summer weather, I was well and truly trapped inside without any lunch whatsoever. And the pattern repeated every day for the next two months (luckily I got my weekends off). By the end I had learned to pack my lunch.

Awkward an encounter as that was, the worst moment was when a visitor tried to visit the museum during lunch. Seeing me haunting the inside like a pale chubby English ghost, they could NOT understand why I wouldn’t let them in (the French are passionate learners of postal history, clearly). He spent a good 10 minutes staring through the glass door, trying to gain access to my carefully held treasure trove of knowledge. He became really quite frustrated with my apparent lack of willingness to share my dusty prison, as I stared awkward and blank, unable to communicate my complete lack of keys.

If only he’d known how pleased I would have been to swap.”

14. The direct report

“When I first started my job, I never knew that direct reports were called direct reports. I had a boss who liked updates sent at the end of every week and the way he worded the instructions, I thought the update was a called a ‘direct report’ so for months I sent, ‘Hey Bob, here’s my direct report…’

It’s not too terrible, but I still cringe years later.”

15. The lie

“I made some bad decisions one day as an intern at a small event marketing company. (By ‘small,’ I mean it was made up of the guy who owned the website and a group of unpaid interns.) I was living with my parents after college and anxious about expressway driving, both of which I felt ashamed of. So when I went to a beer festival and man a booth for the company, I was determined not to admit that my dad had driven me there. When asked, I said that I’d driven to the train station and taken the train. How could that lie possibly be found out?

Well, over the course of hours in the summer weather, I started suffering from heat exhaustion and a terrible headache. My boss insisted on driving me back to the station. While we stopped at a drug store for Advil, I frantically texted my parents to bring the car to the station — but it was too late.

So my boss and I arrived at the parking garage, and I pretended I was too sick to remember where I parked. Note: I had not drunk any beer at the festival, but my boss must have been doubting that by this point. Eventually he drove past a car that was the same make and model as my dad’s, so I got out, stood beside it until he’d driven past, and then — naturally — crouched in front of the car to hide.

I don’t know if he saw. If he did, he never mentioned it. Eventually my dad arrived, I threw up in a parking garage trash can, one of the worst hours of my life was over, and I learned my lesson about lying.”

You may also like:
{ 283 comments }

{ 283 comments… read them below }

  1. Hermione*

    OP 10 – HE REACHED BACK TO COVER YOU. I… I can’t. I’m speechless and dying with laughter. Oh my goodness. Instincts were kind but so, so very wrong.

    1. not a doctor*

      Oh my God, SERIOUSLY. I literally can’t imagine how I would have reacted, except maybe instantly lapsing into a fugue state.

    3. NeutralJanet*

      I mean, if you knock something off someone’s desk, you pick it up and put it back! I could definitely see myself just having the same instinct and then realizing after that…….no……not at all.

    4. Thursdaysgeek*

      I suspect he was mortified too – perhaps had done the exact same thing with his wife, perhaps multiple times, and it was habit. That he immediately regretted and is now mortified about as well.

  2. Hogsmeade AirBNB*

    Scooped boob —- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I am howling.

    2. fposte*

      I just wanted Phil Wang’s standup special on Netflix and he has some great mimes about male contraception–this reminded me of those. So, OP, you produced fine standup comedy by the microwave.

  4. RaeofSunshine*

    “I couldn’t remember how to keep my tongue in my mouth” is the funniest sentence I’ve ever read

  5. Dust Bunny*

    8. I’m pretty sure you can be excused from all of this because, uh, seizure? When I was in elementary school, I was ill but insisted I didn’t feel that bad, and then immediately projectile vomited all over everyone’s snow boots. Incredibly, nobody ever mentioned it again except to tell me they were glad I felt better when I returned to school a few days later. If my first-grade classmates could forgive that then I think you coworkers, unless they are horrible people, will give you a pass on a seizure.

    1. RaeofSunshine*

      Totally agree, a seizure excuses anything. Although you can’t tell your own feelings of embarassment and mortification to go away!

    2. FrenchCusser*

      Yeah, I’m reading that and thinking, ‘Oh, you poor thing!’ and not ‘How funny!’

      If I’d been your coworker I’d have taken you to the hospital myself, and not have minded even if you threw up on me. You were sick! It’s not your fault.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Yes, I think the coworker might have been freaked out but not because you did anything wrong. They were worried.

        Not your fault at all, OP. I’m glad you’re okay.

      2. Anonny*

        I found it amusing, but I’ve also had a hypoglycaemic seizure and yeah, it’s Like That. You wake up, you have no idea what’s happening, and you throw up. Fortunately I had paramedics there to stop me from trying to get ready for school. “No you don’t need to put your uniform on just sling some trakkies on and get to the ambulance.”

        They also gave me anti-nausea pills… which I threw up.

      3. TechWorker*

        100% for me this would have been a ‘right who is free and has a car’ moment – not normal to drive a coworker to hospital but it really does not sound like you were well enough to get there yourself!

      4. Dust Bunny*

        Several jobs ago, a coworker’s water broke early *on the day we’d planned to throw her baby shower*. We were all hurrying to finish up closing duties so we could leave early. Instead, one person threw her in the car and headed for the hospital and somebody else collected any gifts people had brought and she and another coworker caravanned the mother-to-be’s car home so her husband wouldn’t have to come get it. The MTB kept apologizing. Like . . . for what? It’s not liked she did it on purpose!

        The baby came to his own shower do-over six weeks later.

    3. EPLawyer*

      right there with you. You had a seizure. That is nothing to feel mortified about. We should only feel “mortified” for things we had control over. Even afterwards in the office, you were discombulated and still feeling the effects of the seizure so naturally you were not acting rationally.

      I honestly would have been very concerned about you and kept a quiet eye on you in case you needed anything.

    4. MusicWithRocksIn*

      People in shock will just try to keep doing whatever they were doing. I remember once back when I was lifeguarding a kid knocked their head on the side of the diving board and had a head injury that was bleeding EVERYWHERE. So much blood. So, of course, he immediately tried to go on the waterslide, because that is a great place for a bleeding head injury of horror movie levels. Poor kid barely even noticed everyone trying to take him back to the guard stand. We had to get six guards out there to just stand around him and corral him where we wanted him to go.

      1. calonkat*

        And it’s excused because you are not actually in control (but you so desperately want to be!)

        1. Maglev to Crazytown*

          Oh God, I wish my seizures were like that. I have a non-motor, non-consciousness affecting seizure. That manifests like a real life LSD trip I am fully aware of and makes total sense. I had it for years before it was even diagnosed. I just get weird smells and tastes, weird deja Vu or feeling of understanding the deepest meanings of the universe, etc.

          So I have been in full control and directing others to act in my crazy LSD trip one act play at times. And I can remember all of these things with perfect memory, and profound horror, later.

          Before diagnosis, I had resulted in buildings bring cleared and searched by security and law enforcement because I am considered a trustworthy, intelligent and reliable person (LOL on all three counts), so declaring that the building has a weird sweet smell had gotten that acted on in profoundly serious ways…

        2. PeanutButter*

          Oh man for head injuries we had to have sitters for a lot of patients in the ER! The brain is amazing, and the drive to try and get to a familiar, non-chaotic place (ie, NOT the ER) and continue what they were doing is STRONG. Also impulse control is one of the first things to go. We had a number of patients come back in a day or a week to “apologize to the staff” for how they acted after a head injury or seizure…I felt so bad for them because nothing we could say would convince them that we knew whatever they’d done in the immediate (and sometimes extended!) aftermath of the incident that landed them in a gurney in our ER was NOT how they normally acted.

          1. Sleepless*

            An elderly relative and her extremely dumb friend were traveling together when the relative became extremely ill. She really needed emergency medical attention right there in the city they were in (which has several well known hospitals), but in her altered state she kept insisting that he take her home on their flight that was leaving in a few hours. Because he is extremely dumb, he did as he was told, and somehow got her onto her flight when she was critically ill. She did survive this episode, but it was the beginning of the end for her.

          2. Annony*

            Oh yeah. I get seizures and for some reason whenever I have one, it seems like a great idea to go lie down in a bathroom. I don’t know why. When I am normal I realize that it is not the correct thing to do, but once it happens it is like my brain is trying to reboot and I get the irresistible urge to take a nap on a bathroom floor.

      2. Forrest*

        Yes, I’ve never had a seizure but I had a bad-ish bike accident once where I was clearly in a moderate amount of shock. I kept walking to where I was going with my bike, and then found I couldn’t bend over and lock it up without getting really dizzy. I waved to a helpful looking lady and said, “uh – could you – lock — I feel — I just–” She took one look at me with blood pouring out of my chin and said, “Sit down, I’ll get you an ambulance.” It was so nice to have someone take over and do all the thinking! Your brain just works so slowly and strangely in those moments.

        1. another cyclist*

          I had a similar incident with a bike accident. Fell on my commute to work, was mostly fine but really tore up my hand. I was closer to work than anywhere else so I just walked there, passed a drugstore and got bandages on the way, and then walked into my office all bloody profusely apologizing for being late, while everyone looked at me like “Okay but are you all right though??”

          1. Mary*

            My brother was HIT BY A CAR on the way to work and insisted the cops drive him in “so he wouldn’t be late”. His bike was totaled and he was obviously in shock. The only reason they complied was that it was a family business and he told them his dad was there. We took one look and drove him to get medical attention.

    5. Bagpuss*

      Yes, I came to say this – you were still suffering the after effect of the seizure. (I recall years ago when I was quite junior, an older coworker had some kind of episode at work. At the time we thought she might have had a stroke although happily it wasn’t.
      While we were waiting for the ambulance she was trying quite hard to get back to her desk and continue to type – to us, it was very obvious that she was quite unwell and definitely not responsible for anything she did or said. I went with her in ambulance and she told me a lot of very personal stuff during the ride. I am pretty sure that she didn’t have a clear memory of any of it afterwards.

      I definitely didn’t have very coherent memories of the time I went into anaphylactic shock and was rushed to hospital. (I do recall commenting , later, (when I was at the sitting up and drinking a nice cup of NHS tea stage) that I was very lucky to have been taken in when they weren’t too busy so I could be seen straight away, and the friend I was speaking to gently pointed out that the place was heaving, and I had jumped the queue on account of being really quite poorly.. I was definitely not entirely with it and not wholly responsible for my actions at that time.

      1. Thin Mints didn't make me thin*

        One of my coworkers once doubled over in pain during the work shift with what turned out to be kidney stones. I was deputized to drive him to the hospital and stay with him until he was admitted. (His wife was home but could not leave their young child.) He was WILD with pain and said many unwise things, including confessing desire for me and begging me to kill him. Fortunately, although I was young and stupid, I was quite clear that this was the pain talking, and we remained friends once the whole thing was over.

    6. nerak*

      I can’t believe the bus driver didn’t call an ambulance! It seems bizarre to me that no one on the bus tried to make them stay and get immediate medical attention.

      1. PeanutButter*

        If this is in the US, people with seizure disorders are a big part of public transit’s regular clientele, and if they have a lot of them the ambulance/hospital bills can rack up and be ruinous. I can imagine the driver assuming with how fast she popped up and made a bee line for her normal destination that she didn’t want an ambulance and that she had a known seizure disorder. Or someone could have called one and she was gone before it arrived. (I have done the “hide and seek with altered mental status patient that cheesed it” more than once during my time on the ambulance. Felt like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!)

        1. Llama Llama*

          Definitely this – for our international friends please know a ride in an ambulance is incredibly expensive even if you have health insurance in the US. As a bystander it’s a huge decision to make the call for someone else, especially if they are saying they don’t want one called.

          1. nerak*

            I mean, I guess. I am in the US and maybe I’ll 911-trigger happy, but if someone was seizing and then vomited everywhere I probably would’ve called. I called 911 when I witnessed a young woman riding a bicycle on the sidewalk get hit by a car and she smacked her helmetless head on the concrete (it wasn’t a hard hit with the car, I was far more concerned about the head smack to the pavement).

            A person is in no way required to go in an ambulance, in fact they cannot take you if you do not consent (this young woman did not go with them), so maybe I’m just erring on the side of caution.

            1. Random Bystander saved my dad*

              It’s good that you are. Several years ago, my dad was riding a bike (part of his effort to control blood sugar with type II diabetes), and while he was wearing a helmet, he had hit some “chatter” (loose pavement bits from where a hole was patched) that caused him to pitch over the handlebars (bike followed) where the first point of impact was the top of his head. He was unconscious on the side of the road, but someone passing by called 911. Responding officer called for “first available ambulance” and my dad didn’t regain consciousness until after arrival at the ER.

              They did have to argue with the insurance about covering it, but did win.

              Fortunately, he recovered completely, but after showing the helmet to all his grandchildren, it was donated to the local police department for their school bicycle safety program (the plastic shell was shattered, and the thick foam had compressed to paper thin).

              1. nerak*

                I’m glad your dad is okay! I KNOW that ambulances aren’t cheap, my daughter had a febrile seizure at her daycare when she was two, and even though they’re harmless, they called an ambulance because it’s a medical emergency and it’s scary! She went to the hospital in the ambulance and there wasn’t a lot that they could do for her, but I grateful the daycare called.

                I know people on the bus could’ve called and she left before it came, but it just seems so callous to not call at all, especially when the person can deny treatment if they so choose.

            2. PT*

              Employees are typically required to call 911 and an ambulance as part of their workplace emergency action plan to prevent liability. The idea being, you as a bystander and an employee are required to get help for someone in need and distress. By calling 911 you have done your part. If the person does not want that help, it is on them to turn it down, and EMS has a mechanism for this, the person can deny treatment with 2 EMS witnesses and sign a form saying they did not want to be treated at that time. If EMS is not needed- we had this happen a few times at my work with elderly persons who fell- the EMTs will say, this person doesn’t need to be taken in, they are fine, they really did just trip and didn’t have a medical episode and they’re not injured, as long as you don’t need help getting home you’re all set to go, no charge.

              If for example, someone has a seizure and you say, “Oh well I don’t want them to have a big bill, I’ll leave them be, they probably have epilepsy” and then they die because they were actually seizing from a drug overdose, their family can sue your employer for not getting them help, because the reasonable thing to have done in that situation would have been to call 911 for assistance.

          2. Amy Farrah Fowler*

            Agree – John Oliver just did an episode about Ambulances and EMTs and how they are not considered an essential service, have little/no federal oversight, and often are part-time workers with no health insurance themselves. And yet, a short ride in one can cost $3k.

      2. Spreadsheets and Books*

        For people who regularly have seizures, an ambulance is unnecessary and there is nothing a hospital can do for you (unless you are injured in the course of having a seizure). Based on OP’s behavior and a lack of visible physical injury, it may have appeared that no help was warranted.

    7. HistoryNerd*

      When I was in second grade I projectile-vomited (I had food poisoning but didn’t know it then) into a classmate’s desk. His response, “ewww gross, there are whole beans in there!” (I had eat lunch at school that day). Went home sick and then it was never mentioned again.

    8. Elenna*

      TW: vomit

      Oh, yeah, a non-work mortifying story of mine: In middle school one morning, my mom opted to get some chives out of the garden and make eggs with chives for breakfast. Me, my mom, and my dad quite enjoyed it, my sister didn’t like chives at the time so she had something else instead. Ten minutes later we were taking turns vomiting in the kitchen sink, which is about when we realized that the plants Mom had picked definitely included something that wasn’t chives.

      Anyways, we felt well again maybe 20 minutes later, so we all went off to school/work as usual. And then halfway through second period, my stomach informed me that it was not, in fact, done expelling the not-chives. Being socially awkward, I didn’t want to raise my hand and tell everyone I needed to go to the bathroom to puke (not to mention that I quite liked that class). I was hoping to wait until the class was over and… puke in between classes? Hope it went away? Not sure what I was thinking.

      Anyways, eventually the inevitable happened and I started vomiting. At my desk. And then frantically running to the bathroom while trying to contain the vomit in my cupped hands, which needless to say, did not work. My belated apologies to whichever janitor had to clean up the trail of vomit through the hallway. Of course I was sent home after that (where, inevitably, I really was fine for the rest of the day). On my way out, I happened to pass by my sister, and was thus able to inform her one more time how lucky she was not to have eaten the eggs.

      1. Elenna*

        Oh yeah, the point was, nobody mentioned it ever again after checking if I was okay the next day. (And now I kinda want eggs with chives. From a grocery store, though!)

      2. Elizabeth West*

        In school, I remember it was a very common thing for kids to erupt unexpectedly. I did it myself. I was in the library in grade school for “discipline” and I told the librarian I didn’t feel well and needed to go to the bathroom. She told me to sit still and be quiet (the librarian was complicit with my teacher in abusing me on a regular basis, which was why I was in there in the first place). I sat as still as I could for as long as I could, and then bolted into the hall, where I decorated a very large area with my stomach contents. The school promptly called my mom and sent me home. (In hindsight, I wish I’d thrown up ON her.)

        2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          I no longer remember which teacher, but I do remember one of my elementary teachers, when explaining the classroom rules about things like raising your hand and asking to go use the bathroom, had an explicit “unless you think you’re going to throw up, in which case just hurry and go do that and you can explain later rather than ask for permission first”. I assume this was due to previous experience with kids and puking.

        2. Gimble*

          Wouldn’t be surprised if it was something in the narcissus (daffodil) family. Someone I know accidentally made soup with narcissus bulbs (the bulbs were in a refrigerator drawer to trick them into thinking it was winter and force bloom, and the person though they were shallots). They are quite toxic, but everyone who ate the soup started throwing up within minutes, so fortunately it was all out of their system before the bulbs could do any more harm than that.

    9. PeanutButter*

      > I’m just like ‘why didn’t I go to the hospital right away … why did I horrify my poor coworker…’

      Yes! As I was reading this I was shouting (in my head) YOUR BRAIN WAS LITERALLY FIRING OFF NEURONS AT RANDOM FOR AT LEAST A MINUTE. It can often take HOURS (or longer) for normal cognition to return, but our daily habits are so deeply ingrained that people can *appear* and even *think* they’re ok after a seizure, but they’re not. I was a paramedic for almost 10 years, post-ictal behavior varies widely, and ESPECIALLY if someone had never had a seizure before they will tend to try and get somewhere familiar around people they know – for you that was work. When I’d pick up people who were confused and out of it after a surprise seizure or other medical event, they’d often wandered into the nearest place they were familiar with, whether it was work, a friend’s house, or their favorite coffee shop. My speculation is that this behavior is our brains trying to get us to a place where “our” people can protect us from a predator, or at least to a place where we can see all the corners where something could be hiding waiting to pounce with while it sorts itself out.

      I realize it’s easier said that done, LW, but PLEASE do not beat yourself up over this!

    10. Nanani*

      Yes, no. 8 -having a medical emergency is not something to be mortified about.
      I’ve fainted at work and it never occurred to me that it would belong in a thread like this!

    12. Doc in a Box*

      FWIW, a few years ago I had a bike accident — front wheel got stuck in trolley tracks and I went whoopsie-daisy over the handlebars. Came to lying half on the sidewalk/half in the street, abrasions all over my legs (was wearing a skirt, because it was summer in Philadelphia). I was about two blocks from Pennsylvania Hospital, but had to get to the University Hospital in West Philly for some meetings in the afternoon and I “felt fine” so didn’t go to the hospital (mistake #1).

      I had the wherewithal to decide to take the bus instead of biking, but while on the bus, I was looking at my swelled up right middle finger, thought, “Hm, I wonder if it’s broken; I remember learning that if you can’t move a joint it might be broken” — and then GRABBED THE SWOLLEN FINGER with the other hand and TRIED TO PASSIVELY MOVE IT to see. (mistake #2.) Immediately became woozy and passed out as the bus was going over the South Street Bridge.

      When I came to, we were at my stop, so I got off and thought, “OK, I just passed out on the bus, I should probably go to the ER…. Oh look there’s a Wawa, let me get an ice cream sandwich!” (mistake #3.) So there I am in Wawa checkout line, juggling an ice cream sandwich and my wallet to pay, then I walked over to my office eating the dang thing like I had no cares in the world.

      As soon as I walked in the door, our front desk person was like “WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?” I was apparently completely incoherent, knees and elbows still bloodied, hair a mess. Co-fellow contacted the person I was meeting with to cancel my meeting, took me into the ladies’ bathroom to get me cleaned up, then marched me over to Employee Health, which confirmed that yeah, my finger was broken, here’s a splint, good luck.

      It was probably about 30-45 minutes from the accident to the time I started feeling more myself. But I tell you though, that was a stellar ice cream sandwich.

    13. Jim Pattison*

      I relate to this so hard! A few years ago, I was commuting to work only to get into an accident half a block away. After my (totalled) car was towed, I walked to work and insisted I was fine to deliver a library storytime for kids as soon as I calmed down a bit on the break room couch. Fortunately, my boss did not believe me for even a second and brought in a replacement, all while validating my (clearly shock-informed) belief that I was in a fabulous state to talk to children.

  6. LDN Layabout*

    I suspect number three might involve a slavic language because in my own mother tongue, the two words are very close to being the same…

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      If it’s not, I’ll eat my hat. The very first thing I thought of was “yeah, I heard someone make that mistake in Russian class in undergrad.”

        1. Stay-at-Homesteader*

          Yup! And yesterday there was another piss/write mistake in the stories. Slavic language learners, beware!! (Definitely did that during my exchange year in Russia.)

          1. Anonymous pineapple*

            Came to the comments to ask if OP 3 is a slavic language speaker. As a native Russian speaker I’m mildly amused when I see people on Russian social media capitalize the stressed vowel in piss/write to differentiate the two, just in case someone doesn’t figure it out from context. :)

    2. Dust Bunny*

      Spanish has different “to be” verbs for permanent/long term/not-easily-changed things such as gender and nationality, and for things that change readily such as location. Also, the word for “pregnant” is “embarazado/a”.

      Pretty much all Spanish learners have accidentally declared themselves [permanently] pregnant at some point.

      2. KaciHall*

        The one that always amused me was un poco embarazado. Having a teenage boy tell his English teacher (who was also fluent in Spanish) that he got a little bit pregnant during Spanish was absolutely hilarious.

      3. HBJ*

        My Spanish prof. in college pointed this out to us so we wouldn’t make that mistake. And then also taught us the slang/profane way of saying “pregnant.”

  7. KateM*

    OP 15 – and it would have been so easy to lie and say that your dad had driven you to station so that he could use your car afterwards…

    1. MusicWithRocksIn*

      I remember once back when my parents were my ride we had a big family party going on so I asked to get out of work early (on the busiest day of the year). They *did* let me out, super early, and I called home for a ride, but I guess they were so busy getting ready for the party that no one had time to come get me, and I ended up awkwardly sitting in the parking lot for three hours while everyone else I could work with watched me knowing I got out early for no reason. Level ten embarrassing.

  8. Dr. Rebecca*

    #2 needs to give us more deets. Who did the hand belong to? What was their reaction?? C’monnnnn, you can’t just leave us hanging!!

    2. Snark*

      Weirdly, though I don’t post here much anymore, I just happened to see this and recognized my own story.

      It was my thesis advisor, who was (is) one of the most socially awkward people on Earth. We just sort of took a moment of silence to memorialize his internal death, then silently mutually agreed to never speak of it again and moved into an awkward discussion of my data.

      3. Jane*

        When you mentioned a lab and a hairy hand, I was thinking a gorilla had escaped and was coming for you. And then you didn’t finish the story.

        I probably shouldn’t watch so much sci-fi.

    3. quill*

      On the one hand: you touch someone without their permission, you invite the awkward in.

      On the other hand: OP’s lips.

      (sorry)

  9. Grace*

    LW2, at least the person who put their hand on your shoulder probably learned not to do that again?

    2. Dust Bunny*

      My dad once patted my mom’s butt when they were out somewhere. Only it wasn’t my mom’s butt–it was the butt of a guy who happened to be the same height as my mom and to be wearing a very similar puffy coat.

      1. sometimeswhy*

        I did that once. My spouse is much taller than I am and I’ll sort of wrap my hand around the inside of their leg above their knee the same way you might put an arm around someone’s waist. Out of my peripheral vision I saw someone with the same build and wearing the same combination of colors stand next to me in a store. While I was rapidfire apologizing, spouse came down the aisle and I pointed at the two of them like, “SEE??”

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I used to do historic reenactments. I learned to warn newcomers who borrowed clothing that sometimes people would see the dress and think they were me.
        I think the most mortified was the man who came up to ask “me” to help in the kitchen, but chose to do it while kissing my hand. Spoiler: Not my hand.

      3. it's-a-me*

        A very old lady once pinched my dads butt in line for a food truck. He jumped about a foot in the air and the old lady was very apologetic – her husband turned up then and he was dressed exactly the same (generic jeans and red T-Shirt) so the mistake was understandable.

      4. tex*

        Once I kissed my then-partner’s twin on the top of the head. They weren’t identical twins, but similar height and hair, and both were wearing green sweatshirts that day. When I went to the bathroom, my partner was standing in the kitchen. When I came out of the bathroom, someone was sitting at the kitchen table, so I planted a smooch on top of the head. Then the twin I was NOT dating shouted “What did I do? Why did you kiss me?” and my partner comes rushing out of the living room. Whoops.

    3. ThatGirl*

      that story reminds me of my own mortification which was NOT at work, sadly – my husband and I went to a friend’s for Thanksgiving, it was pre-dinner, we’re standing around chatting and eating cheeseballs and I’d had a beer or two at that point. I walked over toward my friend and put my arm around my husband’s waist … only to realize it was HER husband, and mine was standing a foot or so away. Thankfully he’s a nice guy who I do hug on occasion, so they all just laughed at me and I vowed to maybe not have another beer right away.

      1. California Dreamin’*

        Yup. When I was first married, we were visiting my husband’s family in another state. After a big family dinner, I went up and started affectionately rubbing on my husband’s back while he was washing dishes… and then realized it was my new brother-in-law.

    1. it's just the frame of mind*

      yep. don’t grab people’s shoulder unless you have very strong reason to believe it’s welcome!

        1. pbnj*

          And late at night when they’re not expecting anyone at all. They probably thought they could scare OP a bit and got more than they bargained for.

            1. Snark*

              LW here – nah, it was more of a “right, so, we will now discuss professional matters and never speak of this again” mood.

      2. All the words*

        I’m a fan of film ephemera (educational, promotional stuff). In one of the old industrial safety films I watched, the gentle shoulder squeeze is exactly how one should announce their presence to someone working with dangerous materials, especially in a noisy atmosphere.

        Life is all about choices. Risk the unwanted hand kiss, or take a blowtorch flame to the face?

  11. it's just the frame of mind*

    Regarding the seizure and: “I still avoid thinking about that day because every time I do I’m just like ‘why didn’t I go to the hospital right away … why did I horrify my poor coworker…’”

    If possible, I hope you can learn to be easier on yourself about this because I’m pretty sure it’s normal to not be in a good frame of mind to do the most sensible thing after a seizure and it’s not voluntary. I had a friend who had seizures (chronic illness), and afterwards she would get up and wander around, looking completely drunk and seemingly-belligerantly barging into places, resisting attempts to keep her in one place. For example, one time in a restaurant she kept trying to go into the kitchen. We just kind of had to walk around with her and try to keep her safe until she came out of it.

    1. Allypopx*

      I had a seizure once and my husband called 911 and I just spent the whole time ADAMANT I was fine, annoyed there were people (EMTs) in my house, and very frustrated with the idea of putting on shoes.

      Seizures do not leave people very rational

      1. Maglev to Crazytown*

        In my annoyance during the worst one I ever had (and these are focal aware that make sense to me at the time, and I can remember afterwards with absolute clarity), I had escalated into a panic attack response due to work burnout. So my response was to throw a vase of red flowers and a book on Nonviolent Communication at the poor EMTs and the police officer that tagged along. The officer apologized to my husband when he had to handcuff me so the EMTs could administer Ativan.

        Still looking for a rock big enough to crawl under after than one. My husband told me the EMTs had mentioned I was talking in binary (1s and 0s) in the ambulance. Oh no, dear, I was just trying to explain to them what I was upset about (work is chemical related), by trying to explain the ball and stick models associated with my work stressor projects… Still looking for that rock to hide under and die.

          1. Maglev to Crazytown*

            I can’t even look at that book now without feeling an intense twinge of shame and horror.

        2. Empress Matilda*

          my response was to throw a vase of red flowers and a book on Nonviolent Communication at the poor EMTs and the police officer

          Highlighting because this is so very awesome. I’m sorry about your seizure, and I’m glad you’re okay of course! And also, this story is just… *chef’s kiss*

        3. Lady Oscar*

          My only contact with Nonviolent Communication left me (and all my co-volunteers on the course) wishing to do violence to the NC people, so that seems like a perfectly rational response. A shame about the flowers, though….

      2. EchoGirl*

        This is true for a lot of medical issues. I have a close friend who’s a Type 1 diabetic, and she was usually a really agreeable person — unless her blood sugar numbers were way off, at which point she’d suddenly start acting like a stubborn toddler and insist she didn’t need to go to the hospital. I think a lot of things like that just wreak havoc on your brain.

        1. Maglev to Crazytown*

          We had a T1 coworker who had a similar attack because of a malfunctioning insulin pump. Suddenly threw a tantrum and laid down on the hallway floor insisting he was fine. You can’t judge people from medical events… But the tricky part is knowing if the person is having a medical event, especially if they have not told anyone or it is a stranger. This is how epileptics get shot by police.

    2. Anonyme*

      I am a nurse and there is a huge variety of post seizure behaviour. The OP has nothing to be embarrassed about. I’ve had patients who are completely comatose for approximately 30 hours after every seizure, some who are belligerent and aggressive, some who strip and roam naked. I am not going to judge someone for limping after they sprain their ankle or not behaving perfectly after a seizure. Brains are strange and mysterious.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        They are. I was doing medical research for a story character who has a seizure and found some forums where people talked about their postictal experiences. So many different brains, so many different aftereffects.

    3. BadWolf*

      And you’ve performed a service today, OP. I had no idea that this might be post-seizure affect — trying to boldly go forth when you’re clearly not well. Good to know in case I need to help someone in the future.

    4. chronicallyIllAlso*

      Honestly, I read #8 and thought it was very funny until LW was describing actually being humiliated about it afterwards. I’m chronically ill and have also had a few medical episodes where (especially early on) I did the “I THINK I’M FINE” and had to have people tell me I very much was Not Fine. For me, it’s scary in the moment and hilarious later because it’s just so silly and weird.

      I get being embarrassed or humiliated that you were seen looking like that, but it seems to me like LW might really not get how common that type of response really is! Not even just seizures–lots of things have this sort of “you seem belligerently drunk afterwards” potential reaction.

      Also I found the original place they commented this story– not sure how Alison’s spam filter handles links to her own website so I’ll put it in a reply to this comment so it being caught by the filter doesn’t catch the rest of my comment.

      2. quill*

        I have done “I think I’m fine” but usually for much more minor problems.

        One of which was uh, I dislocated about half my foot. I attempted to walk on it, because the nerves in that foot are not good due to chronic tendonitis, and then I tripped down the stairs and violently RELOCATED it. That time I stayed down.

        1. Allypopx*

          I have chronic hypermobility and do this all the time with my joints, especially my knees. Does not feel good.

    5. Spreadsheets and Books*

      Yes, absolutely. The time just following a seizure is referred to as the postictal period and it’s often utterly terrifying. For me, I’m there but I’m not for around 10 minutes, and then for the next 10-20, I’m deeply confused. My short term memory flies completely out the window. I don’t recognize emails, can’t remember sending texts, can’t recall what I was working on earlier in the day, don’t know what I had for breakfast… that all comes back eventually, but the disorientation is chilling in the moment. I’m usually really blasé about medical stuff so my husband knows I’m serious when I call him freaking out because I woke up in bed with no memory of how I got there or what happened earlier in the day. Long term memory is fine, though. I know where I am, who I am, etc.

      I’m poster #11 from yesterday’s first post (fell in the bathroom, slid under the divider into someone else’s stall… good times). That event was my first seizure and I’ve since been diagnosed as epileptic. It’s a swell time.

      OP should absolutely not feel mortified by this. Seizures are scary and the time post-seizure can be terrible.

    6. Susan*

      Yeah – not a seizure but my cousin’s husband has type 1 diabetes, has had it for a while, but his blood sugar regulation needs had hit a point that he needed an automatic pump. The very day the pump was delivered to his house but before he was using it he had a bad accident at work precipitated by out of control blood sugar. The accident was such that he managed to break both legs but his blood sugar was so out of whack that he was trying to stand up again; coworkers actually had to hold him down.

  12. CR*

    #14 reminds me how I used to think “let’s talk about this offline” meant literally talking in person or using paper, not the internet.

      1. EmKay*

        “let’s talk about this at another time that is not right now in front of all these people”, I think

      2. Allypopx*

        It’s usually used in a group meeting setting to mean “let’s talk about this another time/one-on-one”

      3. RabbitRabbit*

        Means “let’s stop wasting time in this meeting with other people on this topic since you and I are the only ones who it matters to” or similar. Basically, we can deal with this later and move on in this meeting agenda.

        1. not a doctor*

          Thanks for all the explanations! That seems like a particularly silly bit of business-speak, to be honest.

          1. JB*

            I believe it pre-dates the internet and was originally literally referring to party lines/phone meetings.

          2. Mm*

            I think it basically means “off *this* phone line” vs. offline like the internet. Just a shorthand that happens to use a word that has a different meaning now.

      4. Spreadsheet Enthusiast*

        I’ve mostly heard it used in meetings or groups as a way of saying “let’s talk about the details later” to stay on topic or not waste other people’s time (or it’s a matter that needs discretion, and it shouldn’t be discussed in front of others).

      5. Business Socks*

        Agree with what the others have said, but also in my experience what it often really means is “the person who screwed this up is on the line right now and it doesn’t seem right to call them out in front of everyone so let’s talk privately later and laugh at them then.”

  13. londonedit*

    I absolutely love the one about the museum because I can totally see my teenage self getting into a similar situation, doing the whole ‘Oh, no thank you, I’ve brought my lunch with me’ thing on the first day and then feeling far too awkward and not wanting to make a nuisance of myself to speak up at any point after that to say ‘Actually, could I go outdoors at lunchtime instead of being locked in here while you’re out?’.

    1. Heidi*

      The getting locked in was surprising. I was under the impression that it was illegal or against building codes to not have some method of egress in case of a fire.

      1. New Jack Karyn*

        Maybe there was a fire exit, but it would sound an unholy alarm and oughtn’t be used outside of an emergency.

      2. HistoryNerd*

        Old buildings, especially European ones, tend have lots of safety issues. Most likely was/is grandfathered in to new building codes.

        For example my building, which isn’t even that old (built in the 60s), doesn’t have fire alarms and the sprinklers are… not great.

        1. meyer lemon*

          Just a quick PSA that the term “grandfathered in/grandfather clause” has its origins in racist voter suppression measures. Just thought I’d mention because it’s not at all obvious from the term itself.

          1. Heidi*

            Did not know that. Is there an alternative phrase that people could use instead to describe this specific situation?

            1. PT*

              There is not, and also no one has gone around updating municipal codes to reflect this, so it is still very much in use.

            2. Just Here for the Free Lunch*

              I have started using “legacy” instead of “grandfathered”. It works in most cases.

        2. Beth Jacobs*

          Yeah, us Europeans are much less strict about fire codes. To be fair, old brick and stone buildings don’t catch fire as easily as the American suburban wood and paper ones, but still.

      3. not a doctor*

        I don’t think the problem was that she couldn’t unlock the door, it’s that she didn’t have the key to lock it up behind her.

      4. Blllllpt*

        My husband used to work overnight at Target and they locked them in. They had to lock the doors and apparently hadn’t sprung for something like key cards. There was one time I picked him up and had to wait like 10 min for him to find a security guard to let him out.

    2. Texan In Exile*

      Same thought I had – locked into a building? What if there was a fire?

      ALSO – they should have asked you again! (Note to self: Ask new co-workers more than once.)(But not enough times to be annoying.)

    3. Sleepless*

      That one made me sort of angry for the LW. I’m over here glaring at these two older ladies thinking yay, let’s just assume the new kid is fine just being stuck in the building every single day all summer!

      1. banoffee pie*

        Yes they shouldn’t have locked her in every day even if she seemed to be fine with it once, it’s really dangerous. What if there was a fire or a medical emergency? I’m not clautrophobic but get a bit panicky if I’m locked in. Also, I don’t think she realised the options were ‘Come to lunch with us or be locked up’! They sound like jerks, they could’ve at least realised she was shy the first time and asked her out to lunch again instead of leaving her there *locked in* for an hour and a half every day!! Weird people

      2. Suzanne*

        Eh, I don’t think that’s fair to be angry at them. I bet they couldn’t conceive that LW was unhappy since she never said anything. It’s an odd thing to stay silent about.

  14. Goose*

    Post ictal confusion is so common!! I once tried to give a stand up performance after a seizure–something I have no experience in. Please don’t feel any shame about what happened!

    3. RegBarclay*

      My epilepsy is pretty under control *knock on wood* but I once had a breakthrough seizure while alone and hit my head, which was bleeding pretty badly. When I came to I thought it would be a great idea to DRIVE MYSELF TO THE HOSPITAL for stitches (there was family/friends I could have called and asked, but decided not to). Even worse, I stopped at Tim Horton’s for a coffee on the way, with a still-bleeding head. The poor guy working that drive through…

      So yeah post-ictal period is wild. Even once I feel mentally OK I’m clearly not all there yet.

  15. Jennifer Strange*

    I was an intern for the fundraising department at a theatre and about a month into my internship I ended up seated right next to our biggest donor for an opening night. For context, this it the guy who would walk in and write us a check for $100K like it was nothing. I decided to make a point of introducing myself, and letting him know I was interning in the fundraising department so he might be seeing me quite a bit over the next year.

    At the end of the show everyone gave a standing ovation, along with us. I went to sit back down after that, not realizing that the chairs were the kind that flipped back up after you stood, so my butt went downward…and just kept going, leaving me sprawled on the floor (we were in the front row of an intimate black box theatre). I was so embarrassed, especially as the donor just looked down at me and said “Are you okay?” What was worse is that I had grabbed a cup of wine during intermission, so my biggest fear was that he was going to tell my supervisor later “I was sitting next to your intern, and I think she was drunk. She fell on the floor after the show.”

    Thankfully, none of that happened (and as it turns out, when you’re a lowly intern your interaction with the biggest donors tends to be pretty minimal).

  16. Nethwen*

    Right after grad school, I didn’t have a lot of work experience and even less unfiltered life experience. I was working a seasonal job as a waitress at a vacation spot and when trying to make small talk to two men while serving them hamburgers with pickle spears on the side said, “Your pickle is bigger than his pickle.” By their horrified responses, I knew I had made a horrible mistake and was mortified, but didn’t know exactly what the problem was until much later when I let my imagination ruminate and figured it out. It was an innocently intended, if awkward, comment referring to a verifiable fact about the vegetables on their plates, but I still cringe at the memory.

  17. Dinoweeds*

    I’m crying over the image of this poor woman thinking that you’d like to put southwestern mayo on her feet! Fully cackling at my desk lol.

    1. EPLawyer*

      I kinda like this. The spices might make it a little tingly (see yesterday’s muscle rub), but the egg and oil would be great to soften your skin.

  18. Forrest*

    I really enjoy the ones about “my body spontaneously reacted and I hugged/high-fived him”. There’s something so fascinating about how a gesture triggers a physical response even as your brain is shouting, “noooooooooo…..”

    I left my preferred sector for five years for a different job, and then came back. In the first couple of weeks back I ran into a colleague with whom I had a perfectly normal, cordial working relationship and he said, “oh wow, welcome back!” and I hugged him. It was just a complete over-reaction to being excited to be back in my sector and it was five years ago and I still cringe whenever I see his name on Twitter, LinkedIn or at conferences– which is often, since he’s pretty well-known!

    1. TechWriter*

      I gave a goodbye hug to a colleague I only tangentially knew who was leaving for a different job. I was pretty new to the job, but everyone else had worked with him for years and years, so they were all hugging, so it just… happened. Ugh. It was sorta stiff and awkward and I cringe about it to this day, but I’m sure he doesn’t remember it at all.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        At OldExjob, the president of the US division came to visit one day and I went up to him and greeted him, “Hi Fergus!” He responded by hugging me, in front of everyone, a thing he had never done before. I wonder now if it was an awkward reflex of some kind.

      2. Llama Llama*

        I hate hugging coworkers. I wish hugging people you aren’t close with wasn’t a thing. Why do people hug hello? I hate it.

    2. Butterfly Counter*

      Something similar happened to me just last week.

      I have recently bought a Subaru. It’s my first new car and I’m really liking it (and I HATE driving). I see the occasional Subaru where I live, but there are a large variety of cars.

      Last week, we went on vacation to a place known for sporty outdoors activities and hiking. Subarus for DAYS. But still, I’d get excited when I saw one. One of the first days there, I saw a woman in a Subaru leaving a parking lot. I was impressed she had a compact one and was so charmed that I laughed and waved at her. I couldn’t stop myself.

      She waved back and the whole rest of my family were like “??? How do you know her?” The instinct is REAL.

      1. AnonNurse*

        My husband bought a Jeep Wrangler a few years ago and the Jeep wave is real! LOL. Whenever I drive his Jeep I feel bad when I miss waving back at people.

      2. Boo the Baja*

        Subaru people are generally happy to wave at each other. Have you noticed that we park near each other if there is a choice? I have one of the rarer ones (a Baja) and end up talking to other Baja owners in parking lots, waving and beeping at each other.

        Welcome to the Subaru family!

    3. comityoferrors*

      One day, I was taking a walk around our building campus near the end of the day, cooling down from the gym. I have an autoimmune condition that gives me brain fog when I exercise, coupled with a tendency to get deep into daydreams when I walk. I need these excuses so I’m not completely mortified every time I think of this.

      I got back to the door, saw a man trying to leave the building, and held the door open for him. He nodded at me, then reached his arm out, like he was going for a hug. I knew he was saying something but my headphones were in so I couldn’t hear him. I looked at him as he stood there with his arm outstretched, unsure of the “polite” reaction, and…gave him a hug. He was a good foot taller than me so I was just awkwardly hugging his torso.

      In that moment, I realized his arm was outstretched because he was just holding the door for me in turn. I squeaked out something about “oh, god, you were — oh, I’m so sorry” and he said it was a nice gesture and he didn’t mind. Which I’m glad for, I guess. He works on a different floor, we’ve never officially met, I have never seen him again and have no idea who he is. I waffle between feeling like that’s better and feeling like that’s way, way worse (who hugs a complete stranger? this guy). I didn’t even have a “nooooooo” instinct, I was just like, oh, cool, stranger wants a hug, sure, I am really good at surviving in this world.

      For what it’s worth, Forrest, I think your enthusiasm to be back in your sector and around welcoming colleagues is very endearing.

  19. Business Socks*

    Suppose I’ll share my most mortifying moment:
    My first job ever was in a restaurant. As a teenager I was extremely shy and awkward, especially around girls. I was so used to being ignored by them that when one addressed me directly I tended to freeze up and go mute.
    So one of the shift supervisors at the restaurant was a very attractive woman in her early 20s who I often tried to avoid for fear of embarrassing myself. One of my first days working there she was addressing the staff and giving out instructions. What I didn’t realize at the time was that she had a mild stutter. At one point she turns to me, gets uncomfortably close (for me) and says “Business Socks, come with me, grab the condoms”
    The room went dead silent, the burst into laughter. The supervisor turned red.
    “The CONDIMENTS! Grab the CONDIMENTS!”
    I pretty much died. The only silver lining was now she was just as embarrassed around me as I was around her.

  20. nelly*

    These are Hilarius! XD

    #5 reminded me of an interview I had. At the end they gave me a tour around and we stopped for a chat with one guy. I was pretty nervous, but did alright. Until the guy was leaving. At that point he was sort of behind me and waived a goodbye. I honestly thought he was about to smack the back of my head and dug, with a yell.

    Everybody had been super nice to me and it was very pleasant office, nor have I ever Been hit… I have no idea where that reaction came from.

  21. ResuMAYDAY*

    Seizure – oh my god, I’m so sorry for you, and I’m SO ANGRY that no one called 911 for you! Seriously, WTH people??
    Locked in the post office – I’m DYING reading this! I love every bit of this story.

    2. code red*

      Yep. My reaction to the seizure one was WHY did NO ONE call 911?!? There was absolutely nothing for OP to be embarrassed about, but there were a whole lot of people who handled that terribly. From the people on the bus to the coworker SOMEONE should’ve called for help.

      1. Metadata minion*

        From the bus passengers’ perspective, it probably looked like she just dozed off and then woke up when food poisoning or something hit. Awful, but not an emergency.

    3. Bee*

      Well, given that calling an ambulance for someone can also mean signing them up for a surprise $2,000 bill they may not be able to afford, I get the hesitation to do so on behalf of someone who is upright and insisting that they’re fine. (My insurance covers the full cost of an ambulance if you’re admitted to the hospital but absolutely nothing if you definitely needed to go to the ER but are treated and released without being admitted, which….not ideal!)

      1. code red*

        The coworker could’ve at least offered to drive them to the hospital. Maybe they did and it just wasn’t included in the story, but just from what’s given, it sounds like a bunch of people dropped the ball on that one.

        1. Bee*

          Oh, absolutely, if I were the coworker (and had a car) I would have been like “we are going now.” But I can also understand the thought process of someone who couldn’t afford an ambulance themselves believing a stranger who insists they don’t need one. They might very well already have an epilepsy diagnosis & treatment plan, and what they need to do is go lie down and then call the neurologist tomorrow.

      2. AnonToday*

        This was my thought too over the hesitation. My old roommate made me feel awful for calling an ambulance after I found someone who drank too much, urinated on themself, and passed out for over an hour outside in winter (later found out BAC was estimated to be around mid .3s). Even though it definitely fit the definition of a medical emergency and was the right call, I would be hesitant if in that situation again after roommate’s outburst about ambulance costs.

    4. Grace Poole*

      After college I knew an acquaintance who had epilepsy, and he had informed people in his circle what to do if he had a seizure, but he requested that people *not* call 911, because he couldn’t afford the subsequent ambulance/hospital bills. It puts people in an awkward position, but it always makes me think twice if calling for help is actually helpful.

      1. ResuMAYDAY*

        I would never make that call. If the person died, or survived with preventable brain damage or other long-lasting ailments all because I thought about the person’s finances before medical well-being…? The guilt would eat me alive. Regarding your friend with epilepsy, if you mishandled his medical instructions, you could be sued. No one but medical professionals are qualified to make these determinations.

        1. F.M.*

          You’re allowed to make that call (even though it would be cruel to some people who know full well they can’t afford that ride and will be fine after a seizure), but it’s ridiculous to say “you could be sued” under the circumstances described. In most of the United States, you have no duty to help a person in medical distress, or call for others to help them, even if they directly ask you to. Much less if they’ve told you explicitly not to!

          Someone could try to sue, because they can try to sue for anything, but unless the acquaintance was a minor in the care of the Grace Poole, it’s wildly, wildly unlikely that she could have been sued for following his instructions to not call an ambulance.

          1. ResuMAYDAY*

            How on earth could you ever know that someone would be fine after a seizure? That’s never guaranteed, no matter the person’s history. I guess everyone I know needs to be forewarned: if you have a seizure and I’m nearby, I will call 911 guilt-free.

            1. pretzelgirl*

              My husband and I called an ambulance for a passed out person once. We found them in the middle of a parking lot, at 9pm on a sunday. We tried many times to wake them up. I hate to say it but there is no way i was leaving that person there, at night, in winter, in a bad neighborhood. I think they ended up being epileptic and had a seizure.

            2. Splendid Colors*

              Most people I know with epilepsy, even the ones in the UK or EU who won’t be bankrupted by the ambulance bill, say they do not need an ambulance unless they injure themselves when they fall, don’t seem to come out of it, or something else unusual. It isn’t medically necessary to go to the ER just to be checked after seizure. The ER is an awful place to be when you’re post ictal and mostly need to sleep it off somewhere safe and familiar.

        2. Elenna*

          What about the guilt if you call an ambulance for the person and then they end up unable to pay rent, or with large amounts of debt, because they couldn’t afford it? Or are you saying you would pay the costs in that case (which, if I’m understanding correctly, can be thousands of dollars)? They get to decide their own financial and health tradeoffs, which they are presumably more informed about than you are. It sucks that the tradeoff has to happen, but that’s how the system works currently. (Insert unhelpful comment about ridiculous US ambulance costs compared to other countries here.

          As for the legal aspects, IANAL, but I would be pretty surprised if you could actually be successfully sued for not calling an ambulance for an adult who you are not responsible for, especially when you are not a medical professional, and *especially* when that person has explicitly told you not to call an ambulance in that exact situation.

    5. Mental Lentil*

      LW doesn’t say it didn’t happen though. And since it’s not really relevant to the mortification aspect, maybe LW or even Alison edited that part out.

      I mean just because a letter write doesn’t say it happened, that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. They may simply have omitted it. There’s no need for outrage.

      1. pretzelgirl*

        To me it doesn’t appear that she was having seizure from outsiders prospective. Perhaps it appeared that she just passed out and vomited. Maybe people thought she was drunk, sick or something.

        1. Splendid Colors*

          As a frequent rider on a bus line that gets a lot of passengers in altered states, if I saw someone pass out and then barf, I’d assume drunk or sick.

  22. not a doctor*

    BTW, in the vein of the ‘direct report’ and the ‘offline’ comment above, this one just happened to me. I’ve never used Google Calendar professionally before, so if you don’t know, there’s a setting where if you’ve blocked off time for a meeting or whatever, it just shows up as “busy.” Except no one explicitly told me this, and it took me until this week (at a job I started in March) to figure out that if I wanted to block out a time without broadcasting what I was doing with it (nothing untoward! just not looking to share every minute of my schedule), I didn’t actually have to CALL THE EVENT “busy”…

    1. Recruited Recruiter*

      I genuinely wish some people at my previous employer knew this. I really didn’t want to know about a certain director’s (who I regularly scheduled interviews for) regular appointments with her OB/GYN.

      1. nelly*

        In my boss’s calendar: “meet with ‘another coworker’ to talk about their mental health”…

        1. Elenna*

          Oh nooooo. I feel like that’s the kind of thing where you should maybe give your boss a quiet tip-off about their naming habits, they probably think they have the setting where everything just shows as “busy” or something… (I mean, assuming your boss is a decent person.)

          1. I take tea*

            We are supposed to share what we’re busy with, not just busy status, and set things we don’t want to show to private. I always put something neutral on my private appointments, so that if I forget the private settings or a colleague happens to see my calendar, it doesn’t tell much. Details can go in the description, if needed.

  23. Nea*

    I’ve been waiting for today’s mortification post to hit, because I’ve got a hot fresh entry!

    There’s a group chat my org uses to pass information among physically wide-spread group. Today, someone asked for an explanation, received the explanation, and replied in chat “Got it.”

    …only they swapped the t of Got and the space and told us all “Go…” (I’ll probably be flagged for the second word!)

    1. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

      “Gotcha” has replaced that phrase in my vocabulary for exactly that reason.

    1. not a doctor*

      Like what? The only ones I can think of that could cause any real trouble are the fantasy email and maybe the scooped boob, if it wasn’t 1000000000% obviously an accident.

  25. Guacamole Bob*

    I was cackling just from the first paragraph of #13 (the French museum). You’re a great storyteller, OP!

    1. Daisy-dog*

      Yes, I spit on my computer a little at that last paragraph about the visitor. A wonderfully told story for sure!!

    2. LC*

      Same!

      “I went to France to work in a museum/post-office. (It was a very unpopular museum of the postal system in the morning and a fairly successful post office in the afternoons. I was sent by my mother in a misguided attempt to instil in me a love of French culture – it paid off in that I now have a deep seated desire for brie when posting things and can swear broadly about stamps in perfect French.)

      I mean. That paragraph is just everything.

      Lots of great storytelling through the whole post, but this entry and this particular paragraph really take the cake for me.

      (I keep getting distracted while typing this, and every time I come back to it, I giggle again. Love it.)

  28. TheNoseKnows*

    Oh dear, I just remembered a new awkward. Possibly don’t read while eating warning.

    After checking that we didn’t really have any policies on facial piercings in our office (which was a fairly boring type tech office), I got a long desired nose ring. I had the simplest nose stud — just a small silver post. Well, despite my best efforts, it was not healing particularly well and was having some inflammation, etc.

    While standing in the office with two of my coworkers, the know-it-all coworker asked if I’d gotten a new nose ring (like a different piece of jewelry). I said no. He looked puzzled and persisted, “Are you sure? It looks new.” Ugh, no, man. Coworker tried to bring in third coworker. Third coworker wasn’t playing and changed the subject.

    Later on, I was in the restroom and looked in the mirror and discovered that my piercing had bleed a little bit and left a subtle red ring around the silver stud. Ahhhhhh! And gross. I didn’t mind so much that know-it-all coworker mistook it for a different piece of jewelry. I was dying at the thought that third coworker might have realized what was going on. Or, he was just older and wiser than us in general and thought a man repeatedly commenting on a woman’s jewelry in the workplace should be avoided.

    Anyway, dear reader, I accepted that my nose did not want to be pierced and I removed the ring not long after.

  29. New Jack Karyn*

    I am DYING at #1. Hopefully they did not get to the line: “I’m gonna watch you bleed!” Happy that the family also found it hilarious.

    1. Izzy Stradlin*

      I was gonna say, that this took place at a hospital (and a children’s one, at that) was just *chef’s kiss*.

      Musicians on Call is a wonderful program that brings names big and small into hospitals to perform for patients and I have to wonder if any song requests have gone sideways like this, or resulted in such humor.

      1. Industrial Tea Machine*

        This reminds me of an interview with Everclear I saw where they were talking about doing an acoustic performance at one of their kids’ preschools. They performed “You Make Me Feel Like a Whore” as “You Make Me Feel Like I’m Four”, which continues to charm me.

    2. LemonLime*

      Probably a much needed laugh as well… when you’re dealing with serious illness, a sudden reason to laugh is so cathartic!

  30. CatCat*

    The “southwest mayo” one is making me laugh so hard. I feel like it is something I would do. When my mind wanders, sometimes I end up blurting out non-sequiturs like this.

  31. Stephen!*

    After high school, I took a year off to make some money. It took a while, but I finally got a job. It was a weird environment in a lot of ways. High turnover, to the point my coworkers refused to learn a person’s name until they had been there for awhile. For the first couple of days, they just called me “New Girl.”

    Then I fainted at work. The fainting itself would not have been that big of a deal- we worked from 6am to 2:30pm, but didn’t get lunch until noon. I had thought I could just skip lunch and have a dinner/lunch when I got home. My body disagreed, and let me know in no uncertain terms. Fine, I learned my lesson.

    Again, this wouldn’t have been a big deal, EXCEPT… I worked on a military base, a couple of months after 9/11, and the anthrax scares. Someone fainting on base meant they sent a hazmat crew, all the emergency responders from the base, and paramedics and firefighters from the city. And when it quickly became apparent that this was not at all an emergency requiring that level of response, all these emergency responders were just awkwardly milling about comparing equipment, while a guy in a hazmat suit grilled me on whether I might be pregnant, which I strenuously denied, but he kept going back to the question, until I was forced to announce to a room full of strangers and my coworkers that I’d never had sex and was therefore very unlikely to be pregnant.

    On the plus side, when I showed up to work the next day, my coworkers stopped calling me new girl.

  32. AnonPi*

    #8 I’m rather flabbergasted no one called 911! I would never think to let someone who just had a seizure go off on their own and expect them to find their way to a hospital! By no means is this something to be mortified about.

    I passed out at work once (occasional/random low BP) and yes it was embarrassing, but ended up more annoyed since so many thought this would be a good time to come hang out chit chat and watch me be wheeled out to the ambulance Seriously like 20-30 people just standing around, apparently with nothing better to do. Fun times :p

    1. Elenna*

      Similar story, I passed out in middle school gym class once. We were doing a cardio circuit thing, I was pretty proud of being quite fit at the time, so I made the questionable decision to not only do the hardest exercises at each station, but to do plank for the entire “rest” station and not get water afterwards. By the time I realized that I should have gotten the water, my vision had gone grey and then I suddenly found myself on the floor with a bunch of concerned teachers and students around me.

      Interestingly, when I said I was fine and insisted I didn’t need the hospital, they agreed to just call my parents and send me home. Which was a relief at the time, and as it turns out I really was fine, just overdid it. But from an adult perspective, when a 13/14-year-old faints and possibly hits her head, you’d expect their school to call an ambulance regardless of what they say, if only for liability reasons… I’m in Canada, so the cost wasn’t an issue.

      (FWIW my sister fainted in a similar way at the gym (public gym, I mean, not gym class) a few years later, and they insisted on calling an ambulance because liability. She was also fine, and spent a rather boring eight hours in the ER waiting as people with real emergencies were, of course, seen before her.)

      1. Anon for this*

        I sprained my ankle badly while on the way to a meeting with a professor. In my defense I have a ridiculously high pain tolerance (being burned with literal acid at one point does wonders for your ability to ignore other, minor pain), and I didn’t notice my leg was bleeding. So I limped into the meeting, and professor cancelled the meeting in the name of calling a security guard to take me to the hospital because “clearly they’re in shock”. Security guard didn’t stay to keep me at the ER, and after he left I limped my way back home and put ice on it because… seriously, what else are you going to do for a sprain?

        Was frustrating because I can definitely understand that from their perspective, person who isn’t acting like they’re in pain and is profusely bleeding is serious and needs to be treated for shock, but I was fine. And the ER was a longer walk from home than the professor’s office was so the “help” just made me have to limp farther.

        1. Anon for this*

          And then it was embarrassing to go to class the next day because the professor wanted to know what gruesome things had happened to me to cause such a “severe state of shock” and seemed so baffled that it was “just” a sprain.

      2. Astor*

        Oh no! I’m glad you were fine.

        I’m in Canada, so the cost wasn’t an issue.

        FYI, while our fees are lower than in the US, every province does have a fee! There are some cases where there are exemptions or there’s government coverage, such as if you’re on income assistance or have a status card, but I’m seeing quotes that it costs between $45 and $385. Every province also has different details, such as whether the fee is the same for responding and for transporting and whether they charge extra per km or if a doctor doesn’t deem an ambulance medically necessary. I assume that most extended health plans cover an ambulance, but the last time I looked was more than 10 years ago.

        This is obviously not the same disastrous level of cost that is likely in the US, but I don’t want other Canadians to be surprised about a bill.

        (And of course the charges are different if you’re not covered by that province’s health plan: I’m seeing up to $1,100 in Nova Scotia but I didn’t check everywhere. Plus, there’s not a noticeable correlation between subsidized and non-resident fees.)

    2. Recruited Recruiter*

      I also have occasional/random low BP. At my first job, I fainted at work, and they made me take the rest of the day off after humiliating me with everyone standing around me when I woke up, and my boss driving me home. This humiliated me so much that now, I warn my new co-workers at every job that while it has been very rare that I’ve fainted at work, I have a disorder that makes it a possibility, and please do not freak out and/or call an ambulance if it happens. When I was working for a hospital more recently, it happened again, and my co-workers only kinda freaked out. They called an ER nurse to my office, who told me the only way I was driving home at the end of the day was if I came to get my BP re-checked right before I left.

  33. Detective Amy Santiago*

    Oh #4 – This made me laugh so hard and also cringe because I could so easily see myself doing something like this.

    What did IT guy say after you explained?? How did you even explain??

    1. OP #4*

      I couldn’t think of any possible way to cover it up with a discreet lie (he PHONED! so immediate!!) so I just had to tell him the truth. After some reassurances that nobody actually thought we were married, I was not trying to convince anyone we were married, nobody was laughing at his specific expense, and the pretend marriage joke had forever died from that moment forward, he let me off the hook.

      While he didn’t exactly see the humour, at least he didn’t react badly. I’m VERY lucky that he was chill about it.

  34. cwhf*

    #7 – “proceeded to make a swooshing motion with my hands to suggest the baby coming out, all while making a 0_0 face” took me out. I laughed for 5 minutes until I cried. Whew. I needed that. Thank you.

    1. Mannequin*

      Like #7, I am both childfree and awkward, and wasn’t around babies or pregnant women until a fairly advanced age, and I guffawed over this.

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I want it to! I mined 14 years of letters and comments for these though, so I don’t know if I’ll have enough for a full week every year! Certainly a day though.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I suspect if you put out a call for it, you’ll be inundated with stories of workplace awkwardness.

      2. the Viking Diva*

        SO AWESOME. The story of the whooshing gesture made me laugh until I was weak in the middle

  37. WC*

    We had just gotten webcams (my team was 100% remote before the pandemic) and my manager decided to host a team-building game of Family Feud over Zoom. I had a full drink sitting on my desk and managed to spill it all over everything right at the beginning of the call. The game started as I cleaned up my desk and the floor. Once that was done, I realized my shorts were wet. So I put myself on mute and went to get a dry pair while I continued listening on my wireless headset.

    While I was in the closet, someone said something that made me want to see what everyone was looking at. So I rushed back into my home office to see what was on the screen . . . completely forgetting that everyone could see that I wasn’t wearing pants!

    1. Business Socks*

      But ONLY southwest Mayo! Normal Mayo will be completely ineffective.

      Miracle Whip? That will make your foot fall off.

  39. code red*

    I really want more info on #2. What happened after you kissed their hand? Even if it was just awkward silence and everyone went back to work.

    1. Snark*

      Moment of silence memorializing his internal death and awkward segue into discussing my data. It was my thesis advisor.

  40. kdizzle*

    #13, I commiserate. I was locked in a Target after hours.

    I was interning for the summer and was scheduled to be there one night when the store was closing. I went to the office to check my schedule came out to witness the night manager LOCKING THE OUTER DOOR and driving away with me still inside. I have no idea how he didn’t see/hear me, pounding on the door, screaming at the top of my lungs.

    So I went into full on panic mode, running around the store, trying to figure out what I was going to do. Sleep in an aisle? Call 911? After about 30 minutes of literally running around like a crazy person, I just walked out the fire door and set the alarm off. I sat in the parking lot in my car and watched the fire department show up. I couldn’t bear to face them and explain what happened, so I just drove home.

    The next day, they had a store meeting where they showed the security video of me being crazy and running around. So…that sucked. I finished my internship and just faded away out of their existence. I never wear red anymore out of spite.

    2. Anonymato*

      I was volunteering at an animal shelter and was showing a new volunteer around. They didn’t follow instruction well and because of that we got locked inside a row of kennels, just as the shelter was closing. (Picture it like the zoo, with back end of the cages from where you feed the animals). Fortunately, the janitor rescued us, but it was one of the longest 15 minutes of my life…

    3. kicking_k*

      I have locked myself in a completely empty library in winter. That was very spooky, and I had to wait there for some time in the dark once I’d figured out how to phone emergency security to come and release me (and they were not pleased). I think I’d rather have had Target!

  41. PJ*

    This update just reminded me I have a mortification story, too!

    I was a few months into a new job. While I’d originally thought my new gig was in the writing/creative realm, I soon realized that it was more sales based than I’d anticipated. The office definitely had a go-team, let’s-hit-our-numbers vibe and we often had events that tried to strike that fun tone and motivate us.

    We had an event at a bowling alley with a video jukebox and a few of us picked some songs. My taste is offbeat – and I was a good decade older than most of the employees – but I picked some very general, fun kind of songs (think Katy Perry/Madonna/Janet Jackson) similar to what was already being played.

    Except I’d gotten one of the numbers wrong for the selection I’d keyed in, and instead of the upbeat song I *thought* I’d chosen, the video that played was a sad dirge about an estranged family member. I tried to pass it off like Huh? but I’m pretty sure a few people deduced I’d played the song.

    That job only lasted slightly longer than the song/video – and I probably wasn’t right for the role, but I still cringe thinking about that today.

  42. OtterB*

    I started reading this post in the background while attending a Zoom staff meeting and a few items in thought, I need to wait to read this one because I can’t start giggling on Zoom, even muted.

  45. too young to die, too old to eat off the kids' menu*

    Are you still accepting these??

    I have a story from like ten years ago that still makes me full body cringe whenever I think about it

  46. Trespassing Schmespassing*

    The fantasy husband reminded me of a mortifying spouse error from a few years ago, but thankfully the mortification wasn’t mine for a change!

    A new person had transferred to our office from another one within the same company. When new people started, their boss would typically send out a “Welcome to So-and-so” email to the whole office, and it would include a brief professional and personal background about the new person. New Guy’s boss had asked him to provide a bio for this email and New Guy had written the bio in first person. Well, when Boss did a find/replace to switch it from first person to third (e.g. I to he), he missed one very important word. The end of the bio read, “New Guy is married to my wife, Amy, and they have two dogs they love to spoil.”

    When the error was pointed out by pretty much everyone in the office, Boss was incredibly embarrassed (and New Guy was a good sport but it was obviously awkward). Boss issued a quick correction: “The previous email was not a confession of a polygamous lifestyle but a typo. New Guy is married to HIS wife, Amy.”

    Boss joked afterward that the silver lining was that at least he knew people were actually reading his emails!

    1. Beany*

      Of course, New Guy could have avoided that by not including the redundant “my wife” to begin with. What’s wrong with “New Guy is married to Amy”?

      1. AnonNurse*

        To be fair New Guy wrote it in first person so the “my” was necessary until it changed to third person by the boss. I would write “I’m married to my husband, NurseHubs” not “I’m married to husband, NurseHubs”.

        1. Beany*

          Yeah, but what I’m saying is that New Guy didn’t have to use “wife” at all — it’s redundant. If you’re married to someone, they are, by definition, your spouse/husband/wife.

          I suppose that New Guy *could* have used “wife” just to include an explicit gender marker, though that seems a bit of a stretch to me.

          1. Trespassing Schmespassing*

            Eh, you’re right that it is technically redundant, but that’s just how people speak/write. It is really common for people to phrase it that way. In fact, one of my dad’s classic corny jokes was about game show contestants (Wheel of Fortune being the prime example) always saying, “I’m married to my husband/wife, so-and-so.” He’d joke, “I’d hope you’re married to your own husband/wife and not someone else’s!” Bonus points for when they say something like, “I’m married to my beautiful wife, so-and-so” because he could add that it would be the pits to not only be married to someone else’s wife, but an ugly one at that! Maybe I found this particularly amusing because of the dad joke history. lol

  47. the cat's ass*

    May I say thank you to everyone who brought their mortification to the party? This has been wonderful and my ribs hurt from laughing so much- y’all are awesome!

  48. EpilepsyIsNotAJoke*

    Alison, I think you (and AAM) are great. But could you please remove “The Ring”? As someone who has epilepsy, I really don’t think it is funny or belongs in this list. Seizure are terrifying and could be fatal. Three of my friends have died following a seizure; I myself can have another seizure any moment, even while I type this.

    I know from experience that people who do not have epilepsy or have little to no experience with this do not realize how profoundly traumatizing seizures can be, so I wanted to bring this to your attention.

    Thank you.

    1. I can never decide on a lasting name*

      I am sorry for your losses, EpilepsyIsNotAJoke.
      I don’t see anyone laughing at seizures – on the contrary, if you read the comments, there are *loads* of readers telling the OP about how normal their reaction was. I learned a lot from the seizure story and the comments and they made me reacquaint myself with what to do in case someone seizures near me.
      So, I really hope that Alison keeps this one up. And the one to make the decision about the story – that’s the OP.

    2. turquoisecow*

      I have epilepsy and a month ago was in the hospital after my baby had seizures. I don’t see anyone laughing at OP but themselves, and I do see helpful information being shares in the comments about seizures.

      If OP feels comfortable sharing then it’s up to them to share it.

    3. Delphine*

      People who experience seizures should be permitted to share their stories in whatever way they feel comfortable. The OP wanted to share their story and it would be inappropriate to remove it because someone who wasn’t OP didn’t appreciate it.

      1. Brain the Brian*

        Epileptic here: yep, that’s what I suggest. I laugh at my own problems, but I can see why someone might find it triggering.

  49. NOOOO*

    OH MY GOD #10. My soul left my body when I read that, so I can’t imagine how it felt to experience it.

  50. Lizy*

    #8 seizure – I’m so glad you’re ok but I am DYING. To be fair, I would probably have reacted the same way! Like, I’ve never had a seizure how am I supposed to know what to do?! Everyone acts abnormally when abnormal things happen, and IMO you definitely shouldn’t be ashamed.

    BRB while I re-read it and wipe more tears away from laughing… thank goodness I’m not reading these during my upcoming meeting…

    Also – THIS IS THE BEST WEEK EVER FOR AAM!!!!!!

  51. Jessica Ganschen*

    Oh I just remembered one that I have!

    When I was in the Air Force, my shop had enough personnel and enough work that we all got split between day shift (0700 to 1500) and swing shift (1500 to 2300). I enjoyed being on swings and waking up around ten or eleven, except about once a month when we had a “training day”, which required everybody to be on day shift. For these training days, I would usually just make a new alarm on my phone instead of switching my regular alarm, since that risked me forgetting to change it back. Also important to note is that at the time, we had classified materials in the building, and had to leave our phones in the storage cubbies in the vestibule.

    Some time mid-morning, we were all in a loose formation near the front door listening to the Flight Chief or Pro Super talk about something or other when a little noise starts up. And gets louder. And louder. And LOUDER. Finally, one of the sergeants goes into vestibule to check, and comes back in asking, “Which one of you needs to “wake up, dumbass”?”. Well. That sure was the title that I put on my morning alarm! I half-raised my hand and went, “Uh…”, he gestured at the door, and I darted out to take care of it. Unfortunately, because I was usually reluctant to follow my own instructions, the alarm could only be turned off with a QR code that I had taped up in my dorm room. It took an eternity of me swearing at it and trying to figure out an alternative before I just turned it off entirely. I slunk back into the building, red as a tomato, and got lovingly mocked for about a week until somebody else did something dumber. And I never, ever forgot to turn off my regular alarm before a training day again!

    1. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

      Kindred spirit.

      I like to start work early, but that’s for the solitude, not because I’m a morning person. I’m beyond not a morning person. Through high school and college, I regularly ran six alarms to get myself out of bed in the morning; the first 5 varied, but the final was always the Eurythmics playing Sweet Dreams because even as a child I loved irony.

      I may have been scolded by an RA in college for waking up the entire hall thinking that we were being attacked by the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man when I forgot to turn the volume on my computer back to a reasonable level the previous evening.

      I may also have been scolded for using You May Be Right by Billy Joel as the lead-off song.

      My RA may have devoted an entire drawer of the filing cabinet to me.

  52. Lunachick*

    OP 1 that is fantastic!! I can’t stop laughing at Welcome to the Jungle. Amazing.

    My boss at the time and I had the same weight loss doctor so once a month we would go together during our lunch hour. She would always drive.

    The norovirus was pretty rampant then and when we were at the doctor’s office I suddenly became ill, but I thought I would be OK to make it back to the office.

    While we were on the freeway back to the office, I abruptly vomited in my lap, in an empty coffee cup…in my boss’s brand new van.

    We got back to the office and I was covered in vomit and I continued to do so while walking to my car downtown during lunch hour so everyone on that street saw me, walking briskly and horfing loudly in a bag. We haven’t spoken of this incident since.

  53. AnonNurse*

    #8 – oh my goodness, I hate that you’re still so hard on yourself about this! As a nurse I see people post-seizure, or postictal. Your behavior, especially for a first seizure, seems like it was very normal for that state. Most people in a postictal state are not themselves, are not able to think clearly and rationally, and generally do need assistance in some way until the postictal state has passed. Please know that your insisting you didn’t need to go to the hospital or not realizing you were sweating would have been completely normal for what had just happened and if your coworkers were caring people, I have a feeling they have long ago forgotten the incident. And I’m glad to hear it was not an ongoing situation!!

  54. Book Badger, Attorney-at-Claw*

    I have one if you need any more, Allison:

    So, I was a 3L in law school and was trying to find jobs before I graduated. I cast a really wide net: I was open to pretty much any state so long as the job was in public service. One of the jobs I applied to was a very prestigious DA’s office in a major US city that happened to be known for its restorative justice approach to prosecution, which I appreciated as a dyed-in-the-wool progressive. I actually get past the very rigorous application process (!), get offered an interview (!!) and so I fly out to that city, book a hotel for the night, get all dressed up in my one good pantsuit, and walk to my interview from my hotel in the snow.

    The interview is going well until one of the interviewing panel asks, “What’s your approach to prosecuting cases?”

    I say something like, “Well, I’d want to make sure that the punishment is proportionate to the crime, especially if there’s a mitigating factor, like someone stealing bread to feed a starving family.”

    “What if they’re just committing crimes because they’re a bad person?” asks the interviewer.

    “What do you mean?” I ask, stupidly, like a stupid person.

    “Well, some people just rob stores for kicks and don’t feel bad about it. What would you do in that sort of situation?”

    My brain just dies like a lightbulb blowing, and what comes out of my mouth is, “Well, that’s not very nice!”

    Needless to say, I did not get the job, but now I’m happily doing legal aid work instead of being a prosecutor. On the plus side, I did spend a lovely time touring the city, a particularly famous art installation, and the art museum after my interview.

    2. kdizzle*

      “What do you mean?” I ask, stupidly, like a stupid person.

      This had me laughing so much and could be applied to many of my life situations.

  56. Spicy Tuna*

    My first week at a new job, I, a female, went out to lunch with my boss and grandboss (both men). We worked in a city and walked to lunch past a strip club. There was a male strip club employee sweeping the sidewalk in front of the strip club, and as we walked past, he said to me, “Hey, we’re hiring!”. As if that wasn’t embarrassing enough, my grandboss replied, “She already has a job”

  57. Американка (Amerikanka)*

    – #3–I am curious what language you were speaking. I wonder if it was Russian or another Slavic language.

    I studied Russian in college. If I remember correctly, писать (pronounced pEEsat) means “to pee” and the same work (писать, pronounced peeSAT) means “to write.”

  58. beach read*

    Early on in my career I worked customer service in the main branch of a small bank. I’d been in my job for a while and had gotten to know (or so I’d thought) the regular customer base. One day one of those regulars, an older woman in her 70s sat down at my desk and after greeting her, I asked how her husband, Mr. Customer was, remarking that I hadn’t seen him in a while. Her friendly expression turned frosty and her voice was positively icy as she replied, “That’s because he’s been dead for years”.

  59. Anon in Ottawa*

    Really enjoying mortification week.

    I have two entries of my own. It was my very first interview for a “real job” as a high school student and I thought I had thoroughly prepped. They asked my greatest weakness and I had a good answer that I felt confident about. Then they followed it up with a question about my greatest strength and to my surprise my mind went blank. I froze to the point where I actually put my head down on the conference table. I knew there was no recovering from that so I just got up and left. I was not surprised I didn’t receive an offer.

    My most embarrassing moment at work has resulted in an extreme reluctance to leave voicemails to this day.

    I was leaving a long and extremely detailed voicemail. I have no idea why, but when I got to the end of the message I said “Amen”. While my coworkers died laughing, I panicked and hung up instead of reviewing the message to delete it. My longtime client kindly never mentioned it.

  60. We're all in this crazy life together*

    I’m really good at surviving in this world

    I’m really loving the camaraderie of all these stories, and this line really made me giggle… It feels like such a great summary of each mortification! :-D

  61. SeekYou*

    #3! I am crying! I had a similar experience working with a program that supported new mothers. We had a family that needed furniture for their new apartment. My coworker spoke a little bit of Spanish and thought she had asked “How big is your mattress?” But she really asked her “How big is your vagina?” The lady looked a little bit shocked at the question, but, then again, she had just given birth. She answered politely with “I’ve had a few kids, but I’ve recovered pretty well.” My coworker was so mortified!

  62. Meep*

    RE #3, me: wow that’s weird that the words for peeing and writing would be similar enough.
    Also me : as they are in my native language , duh ( Russian)

  63. Blazer205*

    All of these had me giggling but something about the “direct report” story had me cackling out loud. Tears and all. I’ll think of that every time I hear about direct reports from now on. LOL!

  64. Brain the Brian*

    Ah, OP#8, I feel you. I had a seizure AT MY DESK once when I was working late. Thankfully, a coworker who sat near me was still around at 7pm; she called 911, and then — saint that she was — rode with me in the ambulance, went back to the office (which was only about a ten-minute walk from the hospital) to get my coat and shoes, and stayed with me in the ER until 1am.

    I came back to my desk three days later to find my spreadsheets still open with the cursor right where I’d been working — and a half-eaten apple next to my keyboard.

    “Y’all didn’t throw this away?”

    “No, we wanted to leave everything just as you had it!”

    Ah, coworkers.

Comments are closed.