{ 69 comments… read them below or add one }

    5. Bookgarden*

      After several weeks of struggles with prior authorization delayed, and difficulties with delivery, I finally got my medicine to treat my newly diagnosed ADHD. I’m not new to prescription struggles (Type 1 Diabetes in the US for 40+ years) but it’s always a relief when these things finally work out. Unfortunately, the plan only covers about 25% of the prescription, but at least it’s a generic so not terribly expensive.

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    6. Reindeer Hut Hostess*

      My husband is home after two weeks in the hospital…one of which was in ICU. He was about ready to give up, but all he needed was time for the super-antibiotics to work.

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    7. chocolate muffins*

      We got my son some magna tiles and he LOVES playing with them, absolutely adores it, and it is adorable to see.

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    8. GoryDetails*

      New season of Great British Bake Off just started on Netflix!

      The opening skit was as cringe-worthy as I’ve come to expect, but the show itself is as charming as ever; quirky, diverse, appealing bakers, with some very challenging bakes. The showstopper this time was for illusion cakes, of the “is it real or is it cake” variety, and several people managed excellent results. The champ was the woman who made a representation in cake of her pet duck, and I swear the thing looked like it was about to quack and waddle off!

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  3. Strive to Excel*

    Question for folks with kids!

    I’m right at the stage where a number of my friends are starting families, but I have not yet. Naturally this means that we have less time to see each other since their schedules are tighter and since I do not have children yet we have fewer conversational topics. I’d still like to stay close to these friends. So for those commenters with children: what is the best way to stay connected with you? Do you want outings with friends who are flexible about having small children around? Or would you prefer fewer but childfree outings to have a Space To Be Me? Are there other ways to stay good friends – not best friends, but not just christmas card acquaintance – that you have particularly found helpful?

    My best option is to go to my friends and ask them, but I’m bad enough with social cues that I’d like to have some expectations for myself before I dive in.

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    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      As a childfree person who’s closest local friends have four children 5-11 – we go both ways. Obviously if I go to their house, the kids are likely to be there, but they’re pretty good about entertaining themselves without always being underfoot so adults can play a board game or something. (They do also occasionally send the kids off to grandparents for the weekend.) My dog is not super fond of kids (not aggressive, she just hasn’t ever spent time around kids and she’s a grumpy ten year old who doesn’t like change or ruckus) so if they come to my house, generally no kids. If we go out, probably kids, but not always. Most of our hangouts are at their place.

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    2. Jackalope*

      My experience as a person without kids but lots of friends with kids is that flexibility is helpful. Most of my friends with kids (FWKs) need to have me come to them, at least when the kiddos are little. Being able to work around sleep times (either naps or evening bedtime) in whatever way is helpful can be good; check and see if they want you to drop by for dinner and leave at bedtime, or drop by after bedtime, for example.

      Another thing is to be gracious about being interrupted a lot. Parents with young kids in particular have to be ready for distractions at no notice; if you’re okay with having an outing in the park where your conversation keeps getting interrupted by the kids rather than getting frustrated and impatient, that’s super helpful.

      And also, take an interest in their kids to some extent. At the very least, listen to them talking about their kids – for a long time the kids are going to be a big focus for them, and if you can listen and be interested, or if you can play with them for a bit when parents have to run to the bathroom or something, that can go a long way towards helping keep things going well with you and your friendship. Doesn’t mean all you talk about are kids, but be willing to discuss them.

      Last, most of my FWKs preferred doing something with me and the kiddos, but I liked to offer both. That way they didn’t have to find childcare, but they knew that if they needed a night out then they could call me and I’d be there.

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      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        As another person without kids but who has lots of friends with kids, I second the “expect to be interrupted a fair bit” advice. Most of my best friends lived far away, and until their kids were about five years old or so, we got frequently interrupted when we were on the phone. I just learned to expect shorter phone calls for a few years, but after the kids got a little older, we got to have longer talks. Try not to take it personally if friends have to cut a conversation or an outing short to take care of their kids — things will better when the kids are older, and I’m sure your friends will deeply appreciate your understanding.

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      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        And I agree with the “be willing to go to them” advice as well. I spent some nice weekends staying over with friends and family when their kids were very little. I just learned to expect that most of our time would be spent interacting with the kids (again, something that will change the older the kids get).

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      3. WoodswomanWrites*

        All of this. My friends were cooking anyway and they enjoyed having me over for dinner even it was a bit of chaos. Sometimes we went to the playground where the kids were occupied. They could keep on eye on the kids, and simultaneously welcomed having an adult conversation with someone who wasn’t their spouse.

        I know they also appreciated that I interacted with their kids directly. Although nearly my entire career has been associated with K-12 outdoor education in one way or another, true confession…I am not a fan of babies and toddlers. When people I know ask if I’d like to hold them, the answer is always no. But I still interact with them by making faces, getting them to laugh, etc.

        I’m at an age where people are having grandchildren, so the two kids I mention above are now young adults. I can happily say they still are glad to see me even if it’s been a long time.

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    3. Washi*

      This is such a a sweet question! I have a toddler and am expecting my second.

      The #1 thing I appreciate from childfree friends is that they keep reaching out to me. I kind of only feel comfortable initiating plans these days if I’m proposing something kid free, which isn’t as easy to do as when I had zero kids. So I appreciate friends reaching out to make plans, whether it’s including my kid or not.

      From having my own and from seeing other friends’ kids, the baby stage isn’t too bad since most babies are happy being walked in some way, and it’s then fully possible to have an uninterrupted conversation. And then around 4-5 kids start to reliably understand the concept of playing independently. But ages 1.5 – 3 need constant vigilance and are honestly pretty annoying to most people who don’t have a toddler themselves. So at this point I mostly see my friends separately from my son.

      The only thing I really find annoying that pops up sometimes is when people say “when I was a kid my mom would never let me be a picky eater/interrupt/etc” as a benchmark for how my 2yo should be behaving. If you can clearly remember it, most likely you were 4+, which is a very different stage!

      But otherwise I’m so lucky to have friends who still include me and are interested in my life as a parent but also give me space to be a separate adult again. Just from this question you’re going to do great!

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    4. California Dreamin’*

      I have a best friend that was still single without kids when my oldest was born. She was such a good friend during those early years… she probably had to be very flexible and patient while I was more focused on my role as a mom, but she always kept in touch even if she had to do more of the reaching out and always was an interested, loving adult to my child. She actually was one of the very first people (I think Maybe the first) that we left our newborn alone with. She came over and held him while my husband and I walked around the block just so we could get out of the house for a minute and so I could practice being away from my child.
      She later married and then she and I ended up having kids in the same year, so we started getting together weekly with our kids. Dont get to see her as much now that we are in the teen years, but It’s one of my most treasured friendships!

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    5. HannahS*

      I appreciate flexibility, and it changed depending on my child’s age. When she was tiny, I just wanted someone to come over and sit with me. When she was a little older, I would leave her with my husband and go for a short walk with my friend. Now, I feel comfortable going out for dinner with my friends.

      I find it stressful to be out and about with my daughter if I’m also trying to socialize for myself. I definitely thought I would be “come hang out with my and my kid!” kind of parent, but I happen to have a very active, energetic child in a non-child-friendly neighborhood and when I’m out, keeping her safe occupies most of my attention. And my friends without kids aren’t used to the rhythm of conversation that happens when you’re chasing after / being interrupted by a toddler (with the exception of my friend who is a nanny.) So I tend to make plans that are later in the evening, mostly around/after shes in bed.

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    6. chocolate muffins*

      Toddler parent here and I co-sign everything above. When my kid was a baby, the way I saw friends was to have them come over with food that we would eat with my baby there and/or when he was asleep (though often, when he was asleep, I also wanted to be asleep). We also took walks together with him in the stroller.

      Now I have some kid-time with friends and some adults-only time. The kid time is all of us hanging out together at the park, or all of us going to brunch together, something like that. It is a lot of interruptions but also a lovely way for me to see my friends. A lot of this is last minute – like, I will text when we are heading out to the park, and if they’re free and want to join, great! If it doesn’t work out that time, I’ll text another time, but I don’t know in advance when my son will be ready to leave the house so it’s hard to plan in advance. The brunch outing was me texting a friend “we are on our way to brunch now, would you like to join us?”

      My husband and I have specific times that each of us is responsible for our kid. We sometimes do things together, the three of us, but even then one person is the main parent on duty. The times I hang out with friends and without my kid are when my husband is the parent on duty. Those are predictable in advance so we can make plans, and it is sometimes nice for me to have time with other adults only and out of my house. Not all families set up their childcare this way, but for me personally it is nice when friends reach out to me to see if/when I’d like to get together, and/or for them to text and say they’re free for a park visit with my child and me on Saturday between 9 and noon (or whatever) and then I can let them know when we’re heading out if we end up going to the park that Saturday morning. In other words, it is nice for people to reach out to me sometimes, and to be flexible, both in terms of what the time together looks like and in terms of reaching out multiple times before we’re finally able to make something happen.

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    7. Part Time Lab Tech*

      Before kids are mobile, cafes are fine. Also, if partnered, choosing times when the other parent can parent means some child free activity.
      Once kids are mobile, bringing a meal to their place can work or sharing a plate at a park with a fenced playground can be good.
      Little kids are learning everything and can need constant attention so yeah, lots of tolerance for interruption is essential.

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    8. Sloanicota*

      In my experience as the non-kid-having friend, what my kid-having friends would most appreciate from me is: I come over, with coffee or treats or a meal, to their house at a time of their choosing (they will direct around naptime/bedtime as necessary), I am pleasant and fun to the kids if they’re around, and I do not notice anything about the state of the house. We catch up and I don’t overstay my welcome. Now, I’m not always up for this, and I do tend to make more plans with other non-kid-having friends, but this is the most reliable way to stay in touch with new parents I love and want to stay close to.

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    9. I didn't say banana*

      If you’re willing, meet them at a park. The adults can sit in the fresh air and drink a coffee while the kids play (but, as above, expect to be interrupted). Also, I know people are suggesting flexibility and that’s so helpful, but also having a routine can take a lot of the mental load of “what day? what time?”. I met my kid free friend at a cafe next to a park at 8am every Saturday, and it worked really well for us.

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  4. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading, and give or request recs.

    I enjoy reading books about traveling, and a series I love is called Travellers’ Tales. Right now I’m reading a book in their series about traveling to Cuba. It’s not a country I know a ton about, so it’s been fun to read.

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    2. James Morris enjoyer*

      If you enjoy reading about traveling then I’d recommend anything by James Morris (The Great Port being a fantastic portrayal of 1960s New York). His books have a way of transporting you to a different time and place that I’ve rarely seen replicated by other writers.

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    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I finished Ann Patchett’s *Bel Canto*, about an international group of hostages and guerrillas who bond in various ways during a kidnapping gone wrong. I felt like the epilogue was tacked on and not really “earned,” but overall, I enjoyed the book. Heads up, though (and the book makes no secret of this), there are some folks who eventually die.

      I’m starting Danzy Senna’s *Colored Television* about a bi-racial family with a novelist mom and an artist dad in LA. I haven’t gotten too far into it yet, but I’m enjoying Senna’s writing so far.

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    4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I like hoary old travel books from the 19th century, like Mark Twain’s *Life on the Mississippi* and *Innocents Abroad*. I thought *Three Men on a Bummel* (about turn-of-the-19th-to-the-20th-century Germany) was just okay, though.

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    5. AcademiaNut*

      The Saint of Bright Doors by Vajra Chandrasekera, which was fantastic and I can highly recommend. Fantasy in a modern but not actually our world setting, drawing heavily from Sri Lankan history and Buddhism.

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    6. chocolate muffins*

      I saw Slumdog Millionaire in the theaters a billion years ago and just read the book on which it was based this week. I remembered nothing about the movie other than the set-up (dude with not very much money wins top prize on India’s version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire), and reading the book was interesting, especially given how it was set up – there was a chapter for each question to explain how the main character came to know the answer to that question.

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    7. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      For books about travel, I really like Patrick Leigh Fermor. He wrote an unfinished trilogy about his experience walking from Holland to Constantinople in the 1930s – the first is A Time of Gifts (there is a third book compiled from his notes published after his death). He also wrote about his travels in Greece and the Caribbean.

      There’s also All Roads Lead to Austen by Amy Elizabeth Smith. She’s an English teacher who took a sabbatical and traveled to various countries in Latin America to discuss Jane Austen with various book groups, trying to see how non-Anglo readers connected with the books.

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    8. Sitting Pretty*

      Someone recommended the book Cultish on here a week or two ago. I’m about halfway through and really quite enjoying it. Which is a weird thing to say about an analysis of cults and language. Her pace is great, it’s easy to access and really illuminating.

      Also this week finished the two Darius the Great books on audio. They’re YA queer coming of age by Adib Khorram. I just adore this little series and hope he writes more! Highly recommend

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    9. GoryDetails*

      Re travel books: an oldie but a goodie is Incidents of Travel in Yucatan by John L. Stephens, his account of his 1841 expedition to the Yucatan. (The book’s described as “one of the great books of archaeological history” and one of the most authoritative works about the Maya.) There are many plates by Frederick Catherwood showing some of the sites that were explored, and some of the carvings found, and just skimming through the text revealed loads of intriguing detail about the country and people. There are gritty sections focusing on the challenges of travel in such remote regions, and entrancing ones about the people and places; really excellent book.

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    10. Dwight Schrute*

      I’m currently listening to house on the cerulean sea and reading daughter of no worlds! Enjoying both. I just finished the haunting Adeline duology which was pretty heavy so I’m enjoying some lighter reads

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  5. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    My household just started a TTRPG (tabletop role-playing game; a game you play live with each other) called Sentinel. Each person plays a character who is a superhero. We’ve just started creating characters, so we’ll see how it goes, but my spouse has played before and loved it so hoping it’s fun!

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  6. PhyllisB*

    I’m not sure if this fits here or more on the work thread, but here goes.
    I’ve been reading a cozy mystery series where the main character is the assistant coroner. The coroner is a medical doctor, she’s an RN. When I used to watch things like Quincy and other crime procedurals the coroner is also an MD. In my state coroner is an elected position and they don’t even need a medical background. My question is, is this a state by state requirement or just ours? I never thought about it until I started reading about autopsies and I started wondering how someone with no medical background could even perform an autopsy?

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    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      It is state by state, yep. Check out “The Cadaver King and the Country Dentist” by Radley Balko.

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      2. Sloanicota*

        I would assume in states where the coroner is not a doctor, there might be doctors performing the autopsy and the coroner signs off on it? Or special autopsy-specific training that is not med school, perhaps, but that seems unreasonable of appointed positions with no specific background.

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  7. PhyllisB*

    Okay, I have another random question. This is for those of you who keep up with political history.
    We all know Joe Biden has withdrawn from the presidential race, but I was wondering if there has ever been a time when BOTH primary candidates of the race withdrew in the same race?

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    1. Enough*

      No never both. In fact Biden is the only candidate who had enough delegates to win the nomination at the convention to drop out. Johnson and Truman both withdrew in March after poor showings in New Hampshire.

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  8. Phantosmia*

    Anyone else have phantosmia? Curious what the odors are for other folks.

    For decades I used to smell oranges right before developing a migraine, which was strange but not unpleasant. Over the past few months it has switched to a propane/chafing fuel smell, which is much less pleasant. (To clarify there is definitely no leak; our entire neighborhood is fully electric.)

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    1. anon24*

      Out of curiosity, have you had COVID?

      Not trying to break the site rules on Medical stuff, (this is 100% my experience and I have no idea why).

      I was always crazy sensitive to smells. Especially bad smells. Mold, gas, urine, you name it, I could always smell them WAY before everyone else. And yes, one of my migraines auras was phantosmia. It was never the same thing though and always the first aura I got if I got it at all, so sometimes I’d be walking around work going “is anyone eating tomato soup or do I need to take my meds?” (true story)

      When I got Covid in late 2020 I lost my sense of smell for 5 days. When it came back I got my sense of “good” smells back right away, but the “bad” smells took a loooong time to come back, and never really came back to the hyper-sensitivity I had before. Except that for about a year every few days to few weeks I would wake up from a dead sleep in a blind panic because I had the strongest smell of smoke in my nose. There was never any smoke. I thought I was going crazy and then I met another person in a group setting and we were talking about weird experiences while sleeping and he very reluctantly confessed that ever since he had COVID he’d been waking up ever so often smelling smoke and thinking his house was burning down.

      Anyway, I got Covid for the 3rd time (working healthcare sucks, boo) this last July and it didn’t affect my sense of smell at all, or so I thought, but the first time I went to the gas station post-recovery I almost puked filling up my car and I’ve noticed that I am definitely back to my old sensitivity levels pre-2020 COVID.

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      1. anon24*

        All that and I missed my point. I used to get phantosmia a lot with my migraines pre-2020 COVID, but I never really did much if at all afterwards. I think I have maybe once recently? So I was wondering if you’ve had COVID and if that’s why it changed for you.

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        1. Phantosmia*

          I had a mild case in 2021 but not recently, to my knowledge. The phantom odors started with puberty in the early 90s. But your situation is quite interesting! It’s wild how the smells split across pleasant/unpleasant.

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      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        How terrifying to have a condition where you woke up to a smoky smell and thought your house was on fire. I’m glad you’re past that.

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        1. anon24*

          It was horrifying at first; I would wake up in a full panic, jump out of bed and rush around my apartment trying to figure out what was going on. After the first couple times there was an initial jolt awake and then I’d instantly realize what happened, pop my head up to double check to make sure my house wasn’t actually on fire this time, and then go back to sleep.

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    2. Sitting Pretty*

      I have long COVID since an infection in 2022 and my phantosmia is by far the weirdest symptom. It’s cigarette smoke. Like someone is standing out on the balcony smoking. Kind of faint, which means sometimes it’ll be a few hours before I really even register it’s happening. It’s like my brain is both manufacturing a cigarette smell and simultaneously signaling to me that it’s normal and nothing to be concerned about.

      After a few hours it worsens, like a wet, dirty ashtray taste/smell. It reminds me of my 20s when smoking indoors was still a thing, and I’d be out dancing at a smoky bar all night and come home with that rank odor in my throat and nose. It’s neurological but still makes everything taste foul. It tends to precede a flare-up and I’ll sometimes go a few months without it happening. The longest stretch was two weeks, usually it fades after just a few days.

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  9. Food Etiquette*

    Any suggestions for incorporating vegan preferences in a friend group? My friend group has never had any food allergies or diets or religious preferences. Now and then a friend has gone vegetarian, and a few avoid dairy for lactose intolerant reasons but that is easy enough to accommodate. Recently a friend Clara started dating and then got engaged to a guy who is vegan. She is mostly sticking to vegetarian herself, but is trying to be vegan when he comes to a gathering. It’s nothing I’ve really thought about before and there’s definitely a lot harder to accommodate with vegetarian options.

    Also, my friend group tends to default to potluck when we get together in our homes. Usually the host cooks a main dish and everyone else brings a side dish or dessert or something else small. Like this weekend, I’m hosting a small group, just Clara and two other friends. I said I’d make meatballs (buffalo pumpkin purée since it’s a Halloween activity) and pasta as the main dish. The two other friends are bringing a veggie plate and chips and dip, and Sasha is bringing vegan charcuterie, no idea what that entails. Since we tend to default to potluck, part of me wants to put the burden on them to be vegan, though I know that is not a good thing to do as a host. I tend to favor meat dishes because I’m very much a carnivore, though id happily skip meat for a meal for my friends. How do you handle this in your friend group?

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    1. Aphrodite*

      I’d find vegan tricky enough I wouldn’t risk trying to make something. I’d likely go to Trader Joe’s and buy vegan offerings; they have quite a few including entrees.

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    2. Brevity*

      Pasta e fagioli (I hope I spelled that right) is filling and vegan. I made up my own recipe using vegetable broth, tomato sauce, sauteed (in olive oil) mushrooms and onions, white beans, and ditalini.

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    3. HS science teacher*

      My philosophy has always been to provide something for everyone to eat, but it’s okay if there are things on the table that not everyone can eat. (For example, if someone comes who can’t have gluten, that doesn’t mean I won’t have some delicious crusty bread on the table.)

      For vegan main dishes, Indian curries or Thai or Chinese stir fries with rice are great options! Could have sliced chicken on the side for folks who want it.

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    4. Jay*

      -Roast winter squash is wonderful. Just halve, take out the seeds and pulp, brush with olive oil, salt and pepper to taste, put it in a roasting pan, cover with tinfoil, and bake for between 45 and 90 minutes (depending on size) at 350 degrees. When it’s on it’s last 15 to 30 min. (again, depending on size), take off the foil so it can brown. Every winter squash will cook up a bit different. My personal favorite is buttercup squash. Depending on the squash, it will taste sort of like pumpkin cheesecake or a bit like particularly sweet roasted chestnuts. Some people I know have tried filling the space left by the seeds with things like fruits, nuts, and berries, particularly ones associated with Fall. I’ve not had much luck with that, but I can see a path to it being amazing if I find the right combination and the right point in the baking process to add them.
      -The very best vegetarian/vegan foods always come from a culture where people have a history of loving their food, but having fairly regular periods where meat and/or dairy is hard to come by. Indian food is legendary for this. Many traditional Italian foods are either vegetarian/vegan, or can easily be made so with a couple of reasonable substitutions. Mushroom Risotto is a classic. Many eggplant dishes can work with a couple of easy substitutions. Even eggplant Parm. can work if you find a vegan cheese substitute that works for you and don’t use an eggwash to adhere the breadcrumbs to the eggplant.

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  10. Bob*

    Open question for early childhood education teachers!

    I have my interview to start my ece degree in a couple of weeks. This is a brand new field for me so if anyone has any advice, tips on what I’ll be asked, or preparation suggestions I’d be grateful. I live in New Zealand and this will be a completely new career path for me.

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    1. Lew*

      Understand that it is much more than just working with children. You also need to be able to communicate effectively and work cooperatively with adults (parents, coteachers, possibly therapists, etc). Having a positive attitude and developing good communication skills is key.

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  11. Adrift*

    How do you keep motivating? I have a good life, good job, and not quite enough for retirement. How do I focus on just what’s needed to ramp down? No clue how to do that?

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  12. Nothing to Wear*

    Hello,
    I’m in my early 40s and lately I’ve been feeling frumpy and like I have nothing to wear. I’ll buy new clothes and wear them a few times, and then hate them. When I try shopping, I get overwhelmed trying to put outfits together.

    I was thinking of using one of the free stylist services at Macy’s or Dillard’s and wondering if anyone here has ever done that. Was it a good experience? What was it like?

    I’d like to get a few outfits for the office and a few casual for going out. I want to feel more put together.

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    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      A former co-worker loved working with a stylist at a department store for years. Her clothes weren’t fancy, she just consistently was comfortable and looked nice even in casual clothes. And when she wore her dress-up clothes, she looked equally great.

      My neighbor is a stylist. I have the fashion sense of a hamster, so I asked her to help me figure out what to wear to two weddings. One had a vintage theme. The other was in Arizona and they told guests we could dress “desert casual.” Both times I got compliments on my outfit, thanks to my neighbor.

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  13. Dwight Schrute*

    I just want to thank whoever suggested the Splash fish sanctuary mobile game last week! I’ve been playing all week and really enjoying it. If you have suggestions for other similarly relaxing games I’ll take them

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