{ 157 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

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    1. Green Goose*

      I had a really fun evening with my husband and two toddlers the other night, it was refreshing and not draining and I’m excited about their age and development. We have been “dancing” to music before going to bed and their dance moves are really hilarious, the 1 year old mostly just runs in circles yelling directions and orders at us and the four year old does some sort of Michael Scott-esque faux karate moves to the songs.

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    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Bakeoff is back.
      • For the first time, Noel isn’t annoying me.
      • The tasks have been well-designed. (I consider “cookie chandelier” the nadir.)
      • Trying some new things for technicals that are working.

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      2. Hroethvitnir*

        That’s exciting to hear! I felt they have been trending towards more unachievable/excessively steel challenges, and that’s not what people watch it for!

        I love Noel Fielding, but he was always an odd addition in this context. Looking forward to watching. ^_^

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    5. Valancy Stirling*

      Spent some quality time with my family. We all work crazy hours, so although we see each other regularly, we don’t usually have time to just hang out together.

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    6. Paralegal Part Deux*

      I got my daith pierced two months ago. So far, I haven’t had a single migraine. I used to get them daily at times. Placebo effect or not, it’s worked wonders.

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    7. RLC*

      The Lesser Goldfinches are arriving for the winter and have discovered the sunflowers I planted for them last spring. Quite a show as they bounce around on the sunflower heads harvesting the ripe seeds. And the resident Western Toads are delightfully roly-poly from a summer feasting on insects from my garden.

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    10. Filosofickle*

      My blood pressure has been too high in multiple visits to the doctor so they prescribed meds, but I got a (validated) home device and all of these readings indicate my BP is not only okay, it’s very good! It doesn’t surprise me actually — going to the doctor is rather stressful to me and home is my happy place.

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    11. Elizabeth West*

      I GOT TO SEE THE NORTHERN LIGHTS

      I had to look through my phone camera because of the light pollution in the city, but I saw them!

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    12. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Partner and I both had a tough week at work. On Wednesday, he suggested out of the blue that we go out for drinks and dinner (big deal already, I’m usually the one to make plans!). We ate at our favourite local Thai, and I finally satisfied a Good Pad Thai craving I had since trying a new-to-us place in the summer that I found way overrated.

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    13. Six Feldspar*

      Baby swans (and their very protective parents) are out and about! I am admiring them from a safe distance…

      I also went looking for the aurora last night – didn’t see any because it clouded over but I’m proud of myself for actually going out and trying it, and now I have a good spot to watch for them if they come again

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  3. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs.

    I’m about 2/3 of the way through A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah Mass. I’m mostly enjoying it, but am a bit annoyed because a murderous jerk just appeared in the story and I know from other sources that he ends up being a main love interest. Why? (I mean, I assume I’ll find out eventually, but…). Otherwise it’s going well.

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    1. ryoo n*

      YA romance, has anyone read Imogen, Obviously? I definitely enjoyed it, not so much for the romance (although that wasn’t at all bad), but mostly for the growing-up-figuring-out-defining-and-becoming-a-person aspect. I’m sure there’s a more concise word or phrase (it’s not really coming-of-age, I don’t think) but the words aren’t coming to me.

      It does have a very blatant Moral of the Story, and while on one hand, it totally knocks you over the head with a not at all subtle Message™, on the other hand, it’s not wrong, and many people and the world at large would benefit from the learning.

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    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Travel Light by Naomi Mitchison, which was recommended by one of the characters in This is How You Lose the Time War. Interesting fairy-tale-esque story, 50 years old, divided into 3 books: In the first, our heroine is a child and things happen to her. In the second, she’s a young adult trying on different possible futures. In the third, she’s choosing her path and the steps to make it happen, while also considering to what other people she owes assistance. I quite liked this and can see it lingering.

      Beach Read by Emily Henry, in which a young woman having a deeply shitty year comes to clear her father’s love nest (which she learned of at his funeral) and try to finish writing the book she’s stuck on.
      Liked: Henry excels at presenting relationships, here the one between a child and a dead parent–when you can’t talk to them about their life, or about yours, but the history is there shaping your present, shaping the stories you tell about yourself and others. There’s a point where a character realizes ten years later that a lingering snide comment was actually about the speaker learning something about their own life, an observation I’m finding haunting.
      Didn’t like: There are practical aspects to home ownership that were glossed over here. Who pays the property taxes? Who makes sure the pipes don’t freeze in winter? Is the answer to these questions going to be a late-arriving plot twist? (No.) I also found the resolution part of the story frustrating, though this might be meta as what sort of endings do and do not satisfy us is an explicit theme.

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      1. goddessoftransitory*

        The neglect of practicalities is always something that rubs me like gritty sandpaper, for sure: I get that the story is about feelings or characters or whatever, but like you say, houses don’t just float in a bubble! They need maintenance!

        We’re rewatching Dark Shadows, an old 60s TV supernatural soap, and so far my very favorite scene is when a character is Bent On Vengeance and wants to buy the local rich family’s mansion; his lawyer points out that it’s a white elephant and nobody wants a giant pile like that unless they’re planning to turn it into a resort hotel.

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        1. Falling Diphthong*

          The house is in Michigan! Where it definitely freezes in the winter. And the house is a detached house on a street, so there is some sort of yard.

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    3. Bibliovore*

      I just read the Shred Sisters by Betsy Lerner. I was riveted. Two sisters from the point of view of the one who is just getting by, struggling with daily life but doing it and the other sister who is an agent of chaos. A book about family, love and how we survive family systems. Read in one sitting.

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    4. word nerd*

      Armadale by Wilkie Collins (of The Woman in White fame) held the perfect amount of October-creep for me this week. A touch of the supernatural, but not too much. It was nice to sink my teeth into a leisurely Victorian novel pace too. Although I wish interesting “villains” didn’t always have to be punished in Victorian novels.

      I gave up on Lady Tan’s Circle of Women 15% in even though it was a book club pick. After this and the other two Lisa See books I’ve read, I’m pretty sure she and I just don’t mesh. I know I’m in the minority on this one.

      I think someone recommended The Spellshop by Sarah Beth Durst here a while back, and I enjoyed it. I think it could have been too saccharine for me if I had been in a different mood, but I was ready for some extreme coziness this week! The main character is a librarian with a cute sentient spider plant who escapes turmoil in the city to sail to a remote island with her spellbooks and fixes up a cottage to sell jam from. Her neighbor is a cute Mr. Fix It. Yes, you pretty much see how it’s all going to go down.

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      2. Rara Avis*

        I also started The Spellshop but have given up on it; Kiela irritates me. Started A Sorceress Comes to Call instead and it’s much more engaging.

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    6. goddessoftransitory*

      Closing in on Frankenstein’s last bit: it’s very funny to read it at work, because I get to hear about everything from a class my boss took on it, a Garcia Marquez novel, and another book about “defining monsters” to “Is that manga?” because my edition is the Penguin deluxe version that has different cartoonists’ illustrations on the front and back covers.

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    7. Filosofickle*

      I have been striking out a lot lately — too many intensely anxious, reckless, and self-destructive characters that make me itch. Disappointed not to love Moonbound by Robin Sloane since his others ticked all my boxes — it had compelling elements and characters but full-on fantasy isn’t really my genre. So I thought about what I really wanted to read and decided to go back in time to old favorites. First up this week was Anne of Green Gables, which was lovely. Hitchhiker’s Guide is next, moving from my childhood to teen years. :)

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    8. PhyllisB*

      Just finished Because You’re Mine by Rea Frey. I liked it but there was a gritty sex scene in it that was actually kind of important to the story but I could have done without. Just skimmed through it. The sex scene I mean, the book was fairly absorbing.
      Also wanted to mention: when you talk about a book, please give the author’s name as well as the title. I have discovered over the years that book titles are not copyrighted and there can be more than one book by the same name. Case in point, over the years I have read three books titled Dashing Through the Snow. Not only were they written by different authors, they were different types of books. One was a romance, one was a mystery, and one was a collection of Christmas stories.

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  4. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I’m still working my way through Stardew Valley; I’ve made it to the second spring, and my last day in the game I just got my greenhouse!

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    1. peter b*

      I beat Hollow Knight for the first time, and am determined to do most of the non-permadeath achievements. I’m taking a break to get through some book backlogs, but I’m looking forward to coming back soon to try and finish the <5h speedrun one.

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    3. Lemonwhirl*

      We’ve been enjoying Dominion, a deck-building card game. My only complaint is that my nearly 14-year old son has won every game we played. He’s so good at optimizing, although the rude, petty part of me suspects he’s also doing something when he shuffles his cards that make it more likely that his hand will be lucky. (I did catch him adding wrong and buying Provinces with 7 instead of 8, and that narrowed the margin of his victory. Not cheating, a mistake because he struggles with numbers in English.)

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      1. The Dude Abides*

        One option in case it is a shuffle cheat – after a shuffle, player to their right must shuffle/cut the pile while looking away.

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  5. Forensic13*

    Holes in clothing opinions!

    My husband and I were discussing whether it’s ever okay to wear clothing with holes in it. This isn’t about big, say, coin-size holes, but those small ones that usually come from (I believe) washing them with things like jeans that damage the clothing.

    My argument was that A: I don’t notice holes in people’s clothing unless they’re really obvious and B: definitely don’t care about them unless they are huge, show off skin that was intended to be covered, or if the clothing is otherwise dirty or falling apart. (You can probably guess whose shirt had the hole in it)

    My husband insisted that people are more likely to notice holes than not and that wearing clothes with holes in public is inappropriate.

    So now I’m curious to know which of us is on the more popular side! Are all holes unacceptable? Tiny holes? Anything that isn’t risque? Do you notice and/or judge holes in clothing?

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    1. Nicosloanicota*

      Ha, I’m totally guilty of going out in rags sometimes, including to places that are social like the brewery by me. I never notice things like that in others unless it’s pretty big. Also, if someone did notice, they’d presumably think it might have just happened, rather than I knowingly picked a sweater that I know has a hole in it because it’s warm and cozy …

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    2. Charlotte Lucas*

      You can pry my comfy, holey sweaters from my cold, dead hands. (I do wear shirts under them.)

      However, I do avoid clothes with holes if I need to look more put together. (Weekend days are for running around or hiking clothes. Weekend nights are for dressy, unless I’m staying in.)

      On the other hand, I live in a city with a really casual vibe. People don’t even dress up for the kinds of places I do. (We’re talking the symphony, etc.)

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    4. Enough*

      I rarely notice holes unless they are large. If I have to be engaged with you in some way to see it, it’s too small to matter.

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    5. Noodles*

      I wouldn’t wear clothes with holes to work or to a fancy place (an expensive restaurant, thr ballet) but in everyday life, I don’t care, nor would I notice other people’s holey clothes… and even if someone did notice, who cares? None of their business.

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    6. Harlowe*

      Depends on the vibe of the clothes. I have sweatshirts with frayed-apart cuffs that I consider barely worn in. But if I’m wearing monochrome business casual, every stitch has to be immaculate. Exception: crotch holes are always a no.

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    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Last week I wore a pair of knit pants and noticed a small hole in the thigh. Then another one. And another. And another…

      One tiny hole I would notice in my clothes, probably not in other people’s, and I usually just wear it. (For my casual life; not if it were a dressy occasion.) Once I got to four holes, though, I was thinking these should become stay-home pants.

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    8. Bazzais10thisyear*

      I don’t notice holes in others clothing and will wear small holes in clothing myself, I don’t care. If you can see someone else’s small holes in clothes, you’re looking out for it.

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    9. Indolent Libertine*

      I have a favorite black concert top that has a small hole in the back. I wear it over a black cami, it’s loose so it moves a lot, and I’m facing the audience so nobody but a very observant colleague is ever going to see it. I don’t think I’d wear it to a party, though. I guess I draw the line at holes I think anyone else would see.

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    11. Hroethvitnir*

      Ha. I am a terrible gauge of the average person’s opinions, since I lean extremely “do what you want forever”.

      But I don’t care, and seldom notice. I think most people are OK with small, not obvious holes if they really like the clothes? I have a super comfy top with the armpit ripped out by a dog and I’ll wear that out if it’s really casual (I have accidentally because you can’t really feel it and I forget).

      For reference, in day to day life I’m either jeans or tights (thick workout ones ideally with pockets – some are very bright patterns) with t-shirts, sometimes with a totally different pattern up top. Vary between pretty invisible and seriously bizarre looking. I’m currently wearing houndstooth tights with a pink sweatshirt with kittens hanging from parachutes all over it (I usually avoid pink, and this pale pink super doesn’t suit my yellow undertone, but it amuses me a lot). I do not wear oodies/pajamas etc in public though.

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    12. goddessoftransitory*

      One of my comfiest shirts has several tiny holes where it got snagged by my jeans zipper and I am just now replacing it. As long as it isn’t a giant snag, over a bit you’d normally want covered, or the entire shirt isn’t really ragged, I don’t have a big problem with it.

      On the other hand, I’ve often pushed getting new jeans until the inner thighs of mine wore completely out and suddenly TAH DAH HERE’S MY LEG CHUB! I usually notice when I’m not anywhere near home and able to change. That, I do not enjoy.

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    13. My oh my*

      No to holes. I think they make you look slovenly. In your best Anna Delvey voice “You look poor”.

      That being said, I do have one dress I still wear that has a hole in it, but it’s so patterned and stretchy you really can’t see it. But I feel a bit slovenly in it because I know about the hole.

      I can sew, so I’ve fixed holes before, or pant hems that fall out, make sure loose threads are clipped, repaired lining or interfacing issues. So I don’t just cavalierly throw things out. But I do inspect my clothing after washing and tidy it up if it gets frayed at all.

      The one slovenly thing I’m bad at is keeping my shoes clean! My left shoe rests against something black in my car and is always getting black marks on it. I don’t like wearing black shoes so this mark always seems to be with me no matter what I do. Oh well.

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    14. Future*

      Personally I’ll wear something with a tiny washing machine hole but nothing bigger, and even that depends. Context is everything.

      Is the hole in an obvious place and/or is it an obvious colour? A tiny hole in a patterned garment that’s kind of under the arm probably won’t be noticed. A tiny hole in a dark sweater with a light blouse underneath might show more than it would with a blouse of a similar dark colour underneath. A tiny hole that will be under another garment all day long will never be seen and only you will know your little secret. And so on. So that’s one factor.

      The other is, where and when are you wearing it? There are some places where you simply cannot wear a garment with a visible tiny hole, like a job interview or if you have one of those jobs where appearance is very important. I generally don’t wear things with visible tiny holes to work or more formal occasions, though if it’s super unnoticeable I might make an exception. If it’s an underlayer that will never see the light of day (I live in a cold climate so long-sleeved merino wool tops are daily wear much of the year) holes don’t really matter. But for more casual day-to-day I’m not throwing out my favourite t-shirt just because it has a tiny hole.

      I do throw away socks and undies once I notice holes, though. Especially socks, because sock holes are so uncomfortable. I suppose I could repair them, but I’m not super good at it and the way the holes form in modern socks and underwear it’s usually because the material is deteriorating around it, so I’m not sure how long a fix would even last.

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    16. Filosofickle*

      I totally notice little holes and do low-key judge. And yet I will sometimes wear clothes with tiny holes and hope others aren’t as observant as me! In general my intention is to mend rips/holes or not wear the item outside. Big holes are always a no for me.

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    17. RagingADHD*

      Totally depends on context.

      To work: No holes.
      To dinner out, church, or a party: No holes.
      Running general errands like picking up library books: Maybe a small hole like you describe.
      To Walmart: as long as my underwear isn’t hanging out, it’s fine.

      More importantly, why is your husband acting like a helicopter mom?

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    18. Bike Walk Barb*

      Did you read this Friday’s open thread? There’s a huge set of replies to someone who noticed a coworker with holes in her clothing and a discussion of whether that indicates poverty or something else.

      Thank you, people who don’t notice small holes, because I don’t want to give up my merino base layers if they have tiny holes that show up despite the cedar in my drawers. I tend to cover them with a vest, jacket or scarf, but that’s also just my style in general. I’m teleworking and no one is close enough to see them anyway. I have a couple of jackets with tiny holes in the back where you can’t see them and once I have them on I can’t see them either so it’s easy to forget they’re there.

      I have a terrible problem when it comes to holes: My cat eats large holes in my clothes if he can get to them, especially the wool. Those are far too large to ignore or conceal and I haven’t taken up visible mending to address the problem, although I’m considering it. Either that or I have a lot of merino squares for a future quilt.

      I try not to judge people based on appearance, which includes clothing. They may like the way their clothes like, they may not have money to replace their clothes, they may have a cat like mine.

      It’s harder when it comes to cleanliness and smelliness, and then again I recognize that I have access to laundry and showers and not everyone does. Some of my old conditioning from my mom’s standards likely still shows up in my head but I try to recognize it and to apply the empathy she modeled alongside her instructions to be clean and tidy before I left the house.

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    20. Six Feldspar*

      I try to keep an eye out for holes in my own clothes so I can mend them (especially the fine knits). In the same way I might notice a hole in someone else’s jumper for example and think to myself “oh no, they need to get that fixed before it rips” – but I wouldn’t say anything. I accept that not everyone is as interested in clothing repair or design as a crafter!

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  6. Green Goose*

    I’m contemplating going to my 20th high school reunion in a few weeks, does anyone have any funny reunion stories?

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    1. Seashell*

      My husband had a bit too much to drink at one of my high school reunions, where he knew no one. Years later, he insisted that he had been talking to a friend of mine that he knew, but that friend was a year ahead of me and therefore would not have been at that reunion.

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    2. goddessoftransitory*

      Well, there’s the time my college alma mater couldn’t be bothered to invite me to the reunion, but managed to find my address to fund-raise…

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    3. Falling Diphthong*

      At his 40th reunion my father-in-law discovered that while he and his friends all remembered the same general stories, all of the details differed. It wasn’t freshman year it was sophomore, and not Dave’s car but Steve’s, and they were going to Wisconsin not Michigan…

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    4. Hmmmm*

      (1) The shyest girl in our class showed up to the 10-year in a va-va-voom dress and spent the entire night chatting like a magpie with a circle of admiring guys.

      (2) A kid everyone knew but no one paid attention to in high school had turned into sort of a gorgeous teen idol type and brought his own entourage of adoring women with him to the reunion.

      (3) Yours truly had lost a lot of weight and wore a drop dead sexy (but tasteful) dress she bought in Paris — and just like in high school, no one paid attention to her. :-( (Hmm, guess that wasn’t an amusing story.)

      (4) A friend who was rail thin in high school with no curves and was always made fun of for having a “boy” body was celebrated when she went to her reunion years later with the exact same body. What was “ugly” at 18 was “chic” at 40!

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  7. Green Goose*

    Low-stakes. I was at a nail salon today, it’s a small place that can only accommodate two clients at a time. The other client called a friend to have a long, personal conversation with. I tried to drown her out with my headphones but her voice penetrated the podcast voice. I thought it was super rude, but I’m curious what others think of that.

    I was probably extra cranky that what she was saying/how she was talking about the world made me dislike her as a person on top of just not wanting to spend 30+ minutes listening to a stranger’s conversation.

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    2. Essa*

      I think if I could muster up enough nerve that I might lightly, quietly ask something like “Do you think you could tone it down a tad? Thanks.” with the demeanor of assuming that it’s an eminently reasonable ask in a small, enclosed space.

      On the flip side, I’ve suffered through a co-worker screaming at medical personnel over the phone, shouting her personal medical details into the office atmosphere, and not said anything about it because she, personally, intimidated me. So just depends on how you judged the situation/the other client/her receptiveness I guess.

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    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I would completely hate that, and I feel like the salon should’ve asked her to end the call. I guess they can choose what kind of space they want but I wouldn’t go back if I knew they allowed long, loud phone calls!

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    4. Hyaline*

      I think it’s rude and inconsiderate of other patrons. I also think it’s very common, so you’d probably seem like a crank trying to curtail it. Frustrating!

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  8. Betelgeuse*

    Potential first time home buyer (a condo), potentially buying in cash. What kind of questions should I be asking? While foibles should I avoid?

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    1. Not A Manager*

      IDK if you have your property identified already, but I’ve been burned by small, self-managed condo associations. I prefer a building large enough to have a professional management company and enough owners to spread the costs of a special assessment for, say, a new roof.

      All condo boards are eventually captured by the loudest, most monomaniacal owners – because other people have other things to do with their time – but when those people are also actively managing the building, it can be a nightmare.

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      1. Betelgeuse*

        Okay phew, the building I’m looking at is run by a professional group. That’s a good question I didn’t think to look for!

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    2. Strive to Excel*

      Do not underestimate the inspection report. If you get a mortgage the bank requires it; if you’re buying in cash, still get it done. Hire the most thorough one you can find, and make sure it covers both the internal and external systems. Water, plumbing, heating/cooling, insulation, roof, any major appliances, etc.

      If it’s a condo: is there an HOA. What are you legally liable for? What are fees like? What do they cover? What are the bylaws; is there any mechanism by which the HOA can put a lien on your house? (This one’s very US-specific, but I’m going to include it anyways since you said condo).

      Major home repair costs: this ties into the inspection report above, but is worth considering separately. When was the last time the roof got replaced? Major appliances? Are any of the major systems (heating/cooling, electrical, plumbing) running on older hardware? Is there internet?

      Don’t let yourself be rushed into a purchase, even now. The housing market is still competitive, but you’ll be doing yourself a disservice. If the sellers start pressuring you to finalize without having a completed inspection, be wary.

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      1. Filosofickle*

        Seconding the inspection + ensuring it covers exterior. When I bought a condo, I learned that the standard inspection report in my area only includes the unit interior (“studs in”) so you have to ask for that separately. In the building I was buying into, exterior condition was a problem I needed to compensate for.

        And also echoing Not a Manager — my small, self-managed HOA with insufficient reserves was an extremely poor choice.

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    3. Heather*

      Came here to say nearly exactly what Not A Manager said. In addition to their extremely good point, do also take the time to read the HOA’s financial disclosure document carefully, and try to read between the lines. My first condo’s HOA chose to maintain all 22 acres of the community grounds in grass, despite being in a desert southwest climate. It was beautiful! It was also very costly each year when the annual HOA fee increase was announced!

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    4. Lucy*

      Two thoughts:

      – If the building is smaller, do not buy anything except a top floor unit. My partner and I had to sell our first condo (that we adored) after only a year and a half when insane neighbors moved in upstairs (stomping, karaoke, loud abusive fighting… it was bad!). We felt good about our purchase initially and the condo builder had provided all kinds of info about the concrete soundproofing between units when we bought, which helped not one bit. When I told friends why we were listing, I heard so many other horror stories about experiences with upstairs neighbors and kept thinking that I wish someone had warned me! (A condo in a much larger building with more structural concrete might be okay – I’ve lived in plenty of high rise apartments with neighbors on all sides without much issue.)
      – Make sure you ask about HOAs/reserves; lower assessments are of course nice for monthly payments, but can be double-edged; I had friends that bought a condo with super low assessments and minimal reserves, and their neighbors never wanted to spend any of the very limited money fixing things in common areas.

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    5. allx*

      Consider the monthly maintenance fee–not just whether you can afford it under your cash purchase circumstances, but also if you decide to sell, whether a buyer who might also have a mortgage will be able to manage the maintenance fee on top of the mortgage.

      Second, look at the building financials to see how much the HOA has in reserves vs expected expenses and scheduled capital improvements. Ask about any planned special assessment projects coming up. Find out if any past special assessments are being paid out, and if so, the seller should pay off the balance as part of the transaction.

      And depending on location, consider whether you need/desire a dedicated parking space.

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    6. Another Lifetime*

      Understand whether the condo is in a condo association only (just the condo development) or part of a larger, master development (condo assoc, townhouse assoc, single family hoa, each of which may be sub-associations of a larger homeowners association). Membership allocation (voting and annual assessment obligations) is spelled out in each set of documents so you’ll need to review and understand.
      Read the definition of “unit” in the condo documents – that’s your property. It may be different from what you’d expect (possibly being described as from drywall to drywall rather than stud to stud).
      Read the definition of “limited common element” in the condo docs and know whether any such LCEs are to be conveyed to you with the unit (possibly an assigned LCE parking space in a parking deck, balcony, or patio, for instance).
      Understand where you are responsible for maintenance; where the condo is responsible for maintenance and will pay; and where the condo is responsible for maintenance but will assess each individual unit owner.
      Read the disclosure package. Look at the budget. Make sure reserves are adequately scheduled, funded, and spent on maintence – yearly inspections for water intrusion and updates for weather stripping, caulking, etc., plus longer term items like balconies, sidewalks, roofs.
      Read the actual recorded condo docs (and any master docs), rules & regs, bylaws, and articles of incorporation. (Sometimes the realtor packet will have a “pretty” set of condo docs rather than the recorded set because someone thought they’d be easier to read but then forgot to add the amended documents to the “pretty” set and, oops, the disclosure is incomplete. But the recorded set rules so start reading that.)
      Confirm the condo has professional management; if not, make sure you understand why and are very, very comfortable with the reasoning.
      Confirm the last several years’ annual meetings have been held appropriately (sign of a well run board and assoc); if not, understand why.

      Reply ↓
    7. talos*

      You’ve seen some good advice already about HOAs. I would second the comment about making sure you’re okay with the parking situation (also, if buying a parking spot is optional: do it anyway, it will improve your resale value). Something else worthwhile about parking is that parking in a secured garage can often cut your car insurance in half.

      What I want to add is to make sure you budget for new-home expenses: will you want to do any remodeling immediately? (Hopefully not, it takes a fair amount of time to get remodels through most condo boards.) Painting? New flooring? You’ve budgeted for movers, right? (or have already figured out which of your friends has a truck.) If you’re moving to a different size/shape of home than you currently occupy, you’ll probably want to budget for new furniture. Also make sure you’ve budgeted for closing; it will probably be simpler if you pay cash, but you’re still definitely going to have some closing expenses.

      Also, definitely get an inspection; even if it doesn’t find anything major or important, it will often turn up some kind of minor thing that you can negotiate for the sellers to credit (regardless of whether you intend to use the money to actually fix the minor thing).

      Reply ↓
      1. talos*

        Also on the budget topic: if you’re buying new construction, you typically have to buy window coverings and some major appliances (typically laundry, occasionally kitchen appliances) yourself, so budget for those as well.

        An entirely different but also worthwhile topic is to make sure that you’re okay with the place’s HVAC setup; do you need AC? Does the condo have AC? Is the heat forced-air or radiant? etc.

        Reply ↓
  10. Rara Avis*

    Talk to me about learning to love (well, tolerate) strength training. I finished a 4-week “Strength after cancer” class and am supposed to go on doing the workout twice a week for the rest of my life. Which should be longer and healthier if I do so.

    But the class just confirmed that I hate strength training with a fiery passion. So boring and fiddly. So much set-up involved (chair, mat, weights, stair, etc.) in a tiny cluttered house. I don’t want to give up the bare minimum of aerobic activity, which I actually sort of enjoy, that I’m trying to shove into a crazy schedule. And I have a lot of painful joints. (Please no “if it hurts you’re doing it wrong.” This was medically supervised, designed specifically for breast cancer survivors, and starts with 10 reps with 1 pound weights. I just have bad knees since childhood, a congenital deformity of the spine that causes hip and back pain, and permanent damage to a shoulder from emergency surgery. But not moving doesn’t help the pain, and leads to all sorts of other problems.)

    My teen inexplicably loves weight training and has offered to do it with me. I don’t even want to do it while my family is in the house, because I don’t want anyone watching me struggle. So what motivates you to do exercise you hate?

    Reply ↓
    1. Essa*

      Even when I actively wanted to exercise, I wasn’t able to maintain a regular habit until
      I had something to listen to/watch, whether that be the TVs at the gym or something on MP3/phone. I like getting stronger, it’s just the process itself is too boring for me on its own. Does that resonate with you?

      Reply ↓
      1. talos*

        Lol I actually have the opposite problem! I really struggle to count reps in the presence of distractions, and when I can’t count reps I often spend a long time just trying to remember where I’m at. My home PT got much faster (and therefore more appealing to actually do) when I stopped trying to listen to podcasts during.

        Reply ↓
    2. Bibliovore*

      I am totally with you. I am the opposite of motivated but… what motivates me is I want to be independent as long as possible. I have my set up of an elliptical and weights in spare room. I do the elliptical first thing in the morning before anything else. I cannot have delay or it doesn’t happen. I have an hour TV shows that I stream on a TV mounted on the wall. NCIS or Bones are good for this. 1/2 hour or a little more on cardio. Yes, I use the baby weights and it is boring and stupid and painful. But if things are going okay, I am done in less than an hour. Last ten or fifteen of the TV show I drink my coffee.

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        And ADMITTING it’s boring, stupid and painful is huge, at least for me! It’s one thing to accept I have to do this thing I dislike because Goals/Reasons, quite another to try to pretend I enjoy it.

        I begrudge no one their enjoyment of physical activity–I deeply envy them, actually! But I am large, lumbering and clumsy, with asthma, and it’s just never going to be in the card for me.

        Reply ↓
    3. I didn't say banana*

      Do you have to do that specific weight training? Or do you have other options? I found yoga to be a great strength training for me, I felt good after which was motivating. Is there a doctor who can help you look at all your options? Like aqua aerobics classes (many involve strength training using the water as resistance)? Or body weight ones that don’t need all the equipment? Or 3 x 10 minute ones instead of a 30 minute one etc?

      Reply ↓
      1. My Brain is Exploding*

        Second finding some other equivalent exercises…maybe ask another Occupational Therapist; body weight exercises and exercise bands may be a good substitute. Also myofascial release therapy will help with joints, range of motion, etc.

        Reply ↓
      2. Rara Avis*

        I’m completely inflexible, and the times I’ve tried yoga it hurt too much. (It was when I was younger and in better overall shape.) I did aqua aerobics when I was pregnant, and the physical therapist did recommend it this time too, but our current Y only offers it mid-morning on weekdays. (I work full time.) I’ll see what I can find out about other options.

        Reply ↓
        1. The Dude Abides*

          I’d reach out to the local Y about working 1v1 with a trainer. I’ve been doing it since Feb 2023, and there is no way in hell I’d have made the gains I have without them.

          I thought I didn’t need to do strength training and loathed it, but my trainer found ways to incorporate it into our sessions, and I am converted – I’m 5’7 160-165, and just set a bunch of PRs this week

          – trap bar DL
          – 3x max 325, 1x max 365
          – 3:30 half-mile
          – 1:30 dead hang iso hold

          Reply ↓
    4. Cacofonix*

      I didn’t say banana has good advice. Strength training doesn’t have to be in the gym doing weights. I hate the gym and only go when it serves me to support something else I’m doing. Example, I like learning things. So I’ve learned to kayak and that gives me excellent upper body strength. Yoga is a super full body practice. X-country skiing; same. Rowing for fun and camaraderie, hiking instead of leg presses and stair climbers. Dance. All of these *sound* athletic, but there is always a way to keep it mild and recreational as you build strength.

      Reply ↓
    5. goddessoftransitory*

      Watching MST or Rifftrax episodes. Nothing like “City of the Dead” with the guys mocking Christopher Lee to make the daily hour on the stationary bike tolerable.

      With actual pushups and such it takes less time so I don’t bother, but just try to believe that one of these years my arms will actually be less sausagelike if I keep it up.

      Reply ↓
    6. My oh my*

      Honestly, since it’s only two times a week, I think you just have to accept that the process isn’t your favorite, but that you like the results. Every session you do makes your life a bit easier, since you are now stronger. So keep that firmly in mind. Enjoy the pleasantly sore feeling after the training – that is your body getting stronger.

      But get some good Bluetooth headphones and find something to listen to – podcast, music, tv show. Save that one thing for weight lifting only. I do this with dishes/cooking (which I hate). I only listen to my books when I do that, so I actually don’t mind the daily kitchen grind now.

      Reply ↓
    7. Future*

      Ugh, my sympathies. Doing exercises you hate is no fun. Is there any way you could continue doing it as part of a class, or with a personal trainer? Or might doing it at the gym help? I had regular physio I had to do, and even though in theory I could do it at home, the situation was as you describe: cluttered and fiddly, with family members around who absolutely would comment. I started a regular gym routine where I did my physio a few times a week there, surrounded by uninterested strangers, and sometimes adding on other exercise I did enjoy. It wasn’t a perfect fix but it was certainly an improvement!

      If gym isn’t an option, maybe making the daily set-up a bit less of a pain might help. If you haven’t already, you might make sure everything you need is kept together really conveniently as much as possible. Like, maybe get a canvas bag and keep the weights and mat in it and hang it on the back of the chair. Or whatever works for you.

      Good luck, I hope you can find a way.

      Reply ↓
    8. Falling Diphthong*

      My kids (20s) would have instantly volunteered to do strength training with me post cancer. They would feel they were helping. I would want them to feel that. And they have observed that there’s nothing quite as motivational as agreeing to meet a friend to do something physical.

      I do strength training at my local gym. (About 7 minutes from my house, and I mainly go there to swim; I also do an occasional stationary bike in cold weather.) What it really helped with was that the damage to my chest muscles from radiation (combined with lots of other shitty stuff) was helped with other physical stuff, but the muscles would give out as soon as I started to get fatigued. Strength training helped to maintain the strengthened muscles and interrupt the pain circuit.

      Reply ↓
    9. trifle*

      I hate strength training too, preferring aerobic. What helped me was keeping a logbook/journal. Writing down every time I went, weights and reps. And, over the course of a year watching the weight go ever so slightly higher. I became stronger and enjoyed that. And podcasts/music definitely the way to go. As for how to motivate prescribed physio: wall calendar and sticker chart.

      Reply ↓
    10. EA*

      I also dislike strength training, so if choosing another more fun (to you) kind of exercise is possible, that would be my first choice. If that’s impossible, I would join a gym (and go with your teen!). Doing exercise I hate in my own home just… doesn’t work. I always find some excuse. If I have a standing date with a trainer or group at a gym though, I’m much more likely to suck it up and do it.

      Reply ↓
    11. Lemonwhirl*

      I break it into smaller chunks, which are easier to fit into my schedule. I HATE cycling, but my physio said I need to do it. So I cycle in 15-minute increments. (My bike is indoors, up on a gadget that lets me use it as an exercycle.)

      I do the same thing with my strength training exercises – I have them broken up into 3 chunks, which are done in different places in my house. Each chunk takes me about 10 minutes.

      Even if I don’t manage to get to everything on a given day, I’m still doing everything a reasonable number of times throughout the week. Also, it’s easier to a smaller chunk of an exercise that I hate than to think “I have to do this for an hour….or a half-hour.”

      Reply ↓
    12. talos*

      I don’t have any great advice, I just can commiserate about not wanting to be watched exercising! So long as my form is not so poor that it’s actively harming me (and I’m pretty sure it’s not), I don’t want anyone to ever see me exercise and see what’s difficult for me. Let me be weak in private!

      (Yes, I know that many gym patrons don’t watch anyone else exercise. Do not @ me. I both have parents who _did_ closely watch me doing home PT for a long time, and personally am painfully observant and would definitely notice other gym patrons on accident, so this mindset is extremely hard to change.)

      Reply ↓
  11. Ginger Cat Lady*

    If I could make a (minor) new rule it would be this:
    Business that charge you a cancellation fee should also be required to PAY you the same cancellation fee when they cancel on you. That fee should double if you waited a month or more for the appointment and now have to wait another month or two.
    What new minor rule would you make?
    Please remember to keep it light!

    Reply ↓
    1. Harlowe*

      Commercials (TV, radio, web, etc.) should be prohibited from using sirens, car horns, squealing brakes, or similar “road emergency” noises.

      Reply ↓
      1. Falling Diphthong*

        My spouse just got a notice about this from a healthcare company in LA. We live on the east coast and have no idea why this company has his information.

        Haunting plot point from Mythic Quest: the company is hacked and the user data stolen. Oh no! Doom! Nah, says Danny Pudi. Everyone is used to it by now, and it’s too much effort to try to do anything different.

        Reply ↓
    3. Alex*

      Manufacturers should be required to guarantee their products for a set period of time and be able to *repair* their products for a set period of time after manufacture. Shit that breaks within 3 years is filling up our landfills! It is ridiculous that my parents have bought four dishwashers for their current home–one that lasted the first 20 years they owned it, and THREE in the following 20 years. Ridiculous.

      Reply ↓
      1. Writerling*

        Big mood. And/or, return to making things THAT LAST longer than 3 years. My computer’s just over that threshold, and my battery has tanked quite rapidly. Naturally, since you can no longer TAKE THESE OUT I couldn’t make it last even longer and getting that replaced would probably cost half as much as a new computer. (I’m rolling my eyes in exasperation.)

        Reply ↓
    4. goddessoftransitory*

      Streaming services should be forced to put their damn ads into shows where there were already ad breaks, not just wedge them into the middle of a scene! Also, it should be forbidden to run the same bloody block of ads over and over and over and over AND OVER when you are binging episodes. I don’t care how many times you show me that gross full body deodorant ad, I’m not buying any!

      Reply ↓
    5. Professor Plum*

      I shop frequently at thrift shops that always ask if I want to round up and make a donation. When I return an item, they should round up and make a donation to me. LOL.

      Reply ↓
    7. talos*

      Amazon (and other online retailers) must only bill my credit card in amounts that I ever saw while checking out. None of this “your order is shipping in four boxes, and each of them will be billed separately, on a separate day, and since the price now includes tax but also is some random subset of your order, it will definitely look unfamiliar to you” nonsense. Always scares me to see the card notifications for some random unfamiliar amount.

      Reply ↓
  12. Bibliovore*

    My tiny old lady Bijon whose estimated age is around 18 (she was a rescue and around ten when we “foster-failed”) is what we would consider hospice care until there are indications that it will be time to let her go. She has been on “borrowed time” due to a multitude of health issues for almost 3 years. The recommendations are to keep her pain free and comfortable and that as long as she is eating and walking and engaging in the life around her that is good enough. The vet gave me information to evaluate how she is doing so I am comfortable making this decision when the time comes. Could be weeks, could be months.
    Right now the flood of grief is almost unbearable. She was my late husband’s dog and the big feelings anticipating this loss are overwhelming.
    Any and all advice would be welcome.

    Reply ↓
    2. Hroethvitnir*

      Hugs or preferred gesture of sympathy. Losing an animal you’re close with is bad enough, let alone when you associate her with the loss of your husband.

      Sending you both lots of love and wishing you a super happy, comfortable last weeks or months. Feel free to feed her any terrible food she wants, short of actual poison!

      Reply ↓
    3. My Brain is Exploding*

      Oh, boy…no advice here. Losing a cherished pet is hard; losing one who is a connection to someone you love is even harder. Know you are doing the right thing by looking for the signs that it is time. So sorry.

      Reply ↓
    4. allx*

      No advice, just commiseration. I feel for you. I am in the same situation with my little chihuahua. I try to enjoy each bonus day with her that she is peaceful and at ease. I am sorry for your pain.

      Reply ↓
    5. Formerly Frustrated Optimist*

      How sad. I can feel your pain through your writing.

      I just wanted to say that anticipatory grief is real, and sometimes can actually be worse than when the loss does occur.

      Hugs to you.

      Reply ↓
    6. Flower*

      Oh Bibliovore, you have endured so much in the last few years. I feel for you.

      When our last beloved kitty was in the same place as your dog — we knew it would be time soon but wasn’t yet — one thing that helped just a tiny tiny bit was that I read aloud to her from some of my favorite children’s books. I would sit on the stairs and she would crawl under my dress and curl up while I read. Steadied both of us, I hope.
      Hugs to you.

      Reply ↓
      1. Flower*

        p.s. If you google “pet bereavement support” you will find lots of resources — support groups, reading, etc. Maybe finding a group of folks going through the same thing will help a little bit.

        Reply ↓
    8. Rara Avis*

      Can you celebrate the things she loves? Treats? Car rides? Make some last memories? When we knew our 20-year-old cat was down to a few days, we let him have tuna (he loved it, but it had been disallowed for dietary reasons) and just spent a lot of time as his pillow. (He was a super affectionate lap cat.)

      Reply ↓
    9. Double A*

      Big hugs to you. I know the husband aspect must make it especially rough.

      My cat of 20 years just died, and I have to say she did so well up until the very end that I almost couldn’t be sad. If you think about what you would wish for a let’s life, I think “Lived long, was loved, was active until the very end” is really the shape of it. But I think this will feel like a certain closing of a chapter with your husband so I’m not sure the comfort about your pet having had the best life possible with be as meaningful. It okay to let this open up other feelings. I hope your dog is happy to the end.

      Reply ↓
    10. acmx*

      I’m very sorry to hear about your dog! It is so very hard.

      Spend as much time doing the things you and she like, things your late husband liked doing with her, spoil her. If you would like a paw print, you could do that now.

      For sad practical advice, there are vets that come to your home when you determine it is time. The one I used was lap of love.

      Reply ↓
  14. Note to Invisible Fish: Houston Activities*

    Last week Invisible Fish was looking for ideas in Houston to get out of a rut. I saw and responded to the post late so wanted to re-post some ideas.

    Things to do in Houston.
    1. Miller Outdoor Theater in Hermann Park. Free performances of a variety of artforms-ballet, opera, music (all kinds), theater, children’s theater. Always something going on and always free. For example, coming up this month there is a hip-hop version of Jack and the Bean Stalk, a chamber music light show, a screening of Addams Family movie, the US Army Field Band and Soldiers Chorus, and a Dia de los Muertos play.
    2. Inprint’s (a nonprofit) Margarett Root Brown Reading Series. Readings by renowned writers from fall through spring. Authors I have heard read their works in the past include Karen Russell, Louise Erdrich, Annie Proulx, Ta-Nehisi Coates, Elizabeth Gilbert, Kazuo Ishiguro, Coleson Whitehead, Sandra Cisneros. General admission tickets are usually just $5. Reading locations are typically at downtown/near town venues like Alley Theater and Cullen Auditorium.
    3. Inprint Writing Workshops and Classes. Moderately priced classes in creative written expression (poetry; memoir; fiction; etc) (Main/West Alabama area)
    4. Thrifting at charity shops. Some of the best: The Guild (on Dunlavy), Bluebird (West Alabama); Catholic Charities (off Westheimer by the curve).
    5. Rothko Chapel. A non-denominational/meditation space hung with 14 Rothko paintings. Free. Adjacent to The Menil Collection. Rothko Chapel was damaged during Hurricane Beryl and is currently closed but leave it on the list to check out later when it reopens.
    6. Art Museums: The Menil Collection (contemporary art; free). Blaffer Art Museum at University of Houston (free); Museum of Fine Arts (free on Thursday), Bayou Bend House and Gardens-beautiful at the holidays and also in spring when azaleas are blooming.
    7. Outdoor Public Art Installations: James Turrell’s Twilight Epiphany Skyspace at Rice University (wonderful); Anish Kapoor’s Cloud Column (Houston’s “bean”); Virtuoso Sculpture at Lyric Center, Miro’s Personage and Birds sculpture (downtown), and many others.
    8. Glenwood Cemetery. Off Washington. Beautiful treed, landscaped, peaceful cemetery and the resting ground for many past prominent Houston figures like William P. Hobby, James Baker (founder of Baker Botts), and Howard Hughes. Site of beautiful monumental architecture and statues, including the weeping angel.
    9. Spotts Park off Memorial Drive. Best park in Houston in my opinion. Nice place to picnic or just hang out.
    10. Discovery Green Park in downtown—lots of free events, concerts, festivals, gatherings, movies, concerts and more. Also has a splash pad.
    11. Market Square Park in downtown—lots of free events, farmers market, concerts and movies.
    12. Excellent performing arts organizations: Houston Ballet, Houston Grand Opera, Houston Symphony, Alley Theater, Ensemble Theater, Main Street Theater, Opera in the Heights and others. Most have student/senior ticket discounts, young professionals’ nights, teacher discounts, etc.
    13. Art festivals and street fests, throughout the year. Bayou City Art Festival is this weekend at Memorial Park. There is also the Korean Festival at Discovery Green this weekend, and Margarita Festival next weekend at Buffalo Bayou Park (Sabine Street).

    I hope this sparks some ideas for you. Would also add that whatever high school is local to you is a good source of entertainment like plays, orchestra concerts, sporting events, marching band competitions, choral concerts. Cheap or free. Last thought, one way to ease the stress of driving on Houston highways is to get an EZ Tag and stick to the toll roads. Hardy Toll Road North is a great substitute for I45N.

    Reply ↓
    1. Bike Walk Barb*

      Coincidentally very timely for me, as I’ll be in Houston this coming week for a conference. I’ll have to see if where I’m staying puts me close to some of these opportunities.

      Reply ↓
  15. Old Snapshots*

    Does anyone have experience with places that will digitize a large collection of old snapshots?

    I see that there are places online that will do this…. Does anyone have a recommendation?

    Thanks in advance!

    Reply ↓
  16. Friend in the Middle*

    Wondering how to navigate some friend drama. I’m friends with a married couple Darcy and Jessica who moved away to another state about 6 years ago. They’ll soon be relocating back to our local area. I’m excited for them to return because we weren’t good keeping up a long distance friendship. However I’m worried this will cause tension in my friend group they were once part of.

    We were all very close in college but Darcy and Jessica rocked the boat in various ways before they left. Jessica was dating a friend Emily before getting together with Darcy. I’m not sure if there was actual physical cheating involved but Emily has always felt that Jessica was emotionally cheating with Darcy before they officially broke up. And a different friend Sharon got upset at Darcy due to an incident at Sharon’s wedding. Darcy’s ex was part of the bridal party and they had a bad breakup. Darcy had been going back and forth on if she even wanted to attend knowing the ex was there but she finally did with Jessica. They were at the ceremony but disappeared before the reception. Sharon was worried about their sudden departure as they didn’t send a text or leave a message with any of us friends still at the wedding, and later angry because her worry distracted her from her wedding. I think Darcy did try to tell Sharon later that seeing her ex was too much and she thought it best to quietly leave but I don’t know if Sharon accepted it or not.

    Both of these falling outs happened years ago, even before the married pair moved. I’m not sure if Sharon and Emily would be open to trying to be friends Jessica and Darcy or not. Heck, I don’t even know if the two moving back want to try to reconnect with the local group due to the previous tensions. Do I talk to the people involved to see if they’d be okay with seeing the other people so I can plan group things? Is it better to just let it lie and plan different things with the two groups until they maybe/hopefully one day mend things on their own?

    Reply ↓
    1. Betelgeuse*

      I guess it depends on what you want to accomplish here. Frankly, none of the slights seem egregious and I think you should let it lie. Invite both couples to larger groups things (10+) and don’t try to plan double dates with them. If any of them can’t be cordial, that’s on them

      Reply ↓
    2. Cacofonix*

      Oh my goodness no, don’t try to curate the group dynamic. Just see them when they arrive to build back your own closeness with them. Observe and listen. If after the settle in a bit you say, host a party, invite who you will and don’t plan things that rely on forced interaction at first. Eg. A cocktail mingling gathering with more people over a small dinner party for example. See how it goes, drama wise.

      Reply ↓
      1. Cacofonix*

        Also, it should be said that in no way are you in the middle of friend drama unless you place yourself there, or allow others to place you there, which is essentially the same thing.

        Reply ↓
    3. Dark Macadamia*

      Sharon is mad someone quietly and politely left a wedding instead of dragging the BRIDE into their private situation? I don’t feel like Darcy is the problem if that particular dynamic goes poorly lol

      Reply ↓
      1. RagingADHD*

        Apparently they were all very young at the time, and there is no indication Sharon is still mad.

        Though, if Darcy was dragging Sharon through a lot of dithering about whether or not she would show up at all, and then made a production of announcing she would come (but with a new partner), and Sharon was also getting agita from the ex, and then Darcy bailed before the reception…it wouldn’t be unreasonable for Sharon to be fed up at the time.

        Reply ↓
    4. goddessoftransitory*

      I’d let it lie; this involves you but only because you know all the people involved. The actual participants need to make up their own minds. Obviously you should respect any decisions they make but I wouldn’t let this stuff cloud your reunion or restarting your friendship.

      Reply ↓
    5. Bike Walk Barb*

      You say this was years ago. To me it feels like pot-stirring to bring this up at all. I’d give everyone the benefit of the doubt that they’ve outgrown old issues.

      See who you want to see, invite who you want to invite, and don’t try to manage other adults and their feelings one bit. Save your energy for tending friendships you find energizing and that help you be more the kind of person you want to be, whoever that is.

      Reply ↓
    6. Not A Manager*

      Just hang out with your friends separately. There’s time enough in the future to decide if the whole group will gel again.

      Reply ↓
  17. Pocket Mouse*

    Happy National Coming Out Day to those who celebrate! Do you have a coming out story you’d like to share?

    And if you’re in a position where coming out isn’t safe yet, know that a whole bunch of people are holding you in our hearts and rooting for you.

    Reply ↓
  18. Sparkle Llama*

    Looking for advice! Short question: how can you find a house cleaner who you don’t need to clean for? Where it is fine that there is a stack of dirty dishes and the groceries aren’t put away and there are towels on the floor.

    Longer background: I am currently coming to terms with my recent worsening of a chronic health condition being permanent and I am able to work still, but I am exhausted at the end of the day and need to rest. I can accomplish some household stuff on the weekend but I am always behind. I would be more happier with a cleaner space but whenever I have tried to find a housekeeper they have tons of expectations about decluttering in advance of them coming which defeats the whole point! Is there something else I should be looking for? I just want someone to do household chores for like 2-3 hours a week. The house doesn’t need to be shiny afterwards just better.

    Reply ↓
    1. I didn't say banana*

      Can you advertise in a local Facebook group explaining what you want? I think a lot of cleaners have those rules because someone leaves a sink full of dirty dishes that adds 15 minutes to the kitchen cleaning time, but then gets annoyed that not everything else got done in the time they’re paying for. If you’re happy with a “whatever you get done in 3 hours” or “here’s a list, tell me what’s reasonable in 3 hours” approach, I think people will be on board. Also, cleaning well (and efficiently) is a skill, whereas following your instructions like “put that pile of things in that cupboard” is more simple, maybe you could hire a teenager or college student with no experience (and therefore less rules about you needing to declutter)? Especially if you are flexible on when they come.

      Reply ↓
    2. Jessica*

      I use a cleaning service that I’m pretty happy with, and I did give initial thought to the question of “business vs. person,” but I think this is one place a person might have an advantage. If I wanted someone who’d also put stuff away and such, I’d want the same person every time, they’d need to speak a common language with me, and with an individual you can negotiate more about what they’ll do and how.

      Reply ↓
    3. acmx*

      Since you mentioned having a chronic health condition, have you looked into home care assistance? Maybe you can have that service covered by your health benefits?

      I agree with I didn’t say banana, if you tell the person do what you can in 2-3 hours, they’d be willing. Or maybe you can have someone come in 1 day longer hours. I think and independently owned company would be more flexible

      Think about what would really help you. Would someone cleaning surfaces (cleaning floors, bathtub, counters, etc) ease your load or passing on other chores like dishes, laundry, gather trash, making the bed help more?

      I have someone clean the surfaces every other month for 3 hours. She cleans both bathrooms (although the guest never gets used), dusts, mops, wipes the kitchen sink and counters, cleans the microwave. Has made the bed. She works around whatever is on my counters (meaning I don’t clear it for her), the floors are a compromise – I pick up the dog toys lol but nothing else. But when my office floor was a mess from reorganizing efforts and painting, I told her not to go in.

      Reply ↓
    4. Aphrodite*

      I’ve had a housecleaner for about a year now. She comes once a week, three hours, then one hour, and repeat. It took a while before she believe me when I said the bathrooms are a a priority and second, the kitchen but I also want everything done as you see fit. You are the expert so do what you think needs doing. I am flexible on when you come, how you do it, and when you do it.

      I try not to leave dishes because while I dislike washing dishes (no dishwasher at the moment) I really dislike cleaning in general but like to live in a clean house. Plus, you reach an age when housecleaning help goes from being a luxury to a necessity.

      I would suggest talking with everyone you interview and say what you said to us. Tell them what you like, ask them if they are flexible and knowledgeable and experienced enough to see what needs to be done and to do it. You can, as I have occasionally done, let them know when they walk in the door, that this and/or that is something you need them to concentrate on that visit. But really, just find someone who has experience, is flexible, notices things, and is willing to work with you to keep things the way you want them kep.

      Reply ↓
  19. Thanksgiving*

    Happy Thanksgiving, fellow canucks! Someone new to Canada asked which day of the weekend we celebrate, and I had to say that it wasn’t exactly fixed. So, tell me about your meals, traditions or how you close up your cottage and spend 6 hours going 200 kms as a family bonding exercise.

    Reply ↓
  20. Shiny Penny*

    I think my dog is freaking out over geomagnetic storms. Does anyone else have pets that are disturbed by the solar energy that causes aurora borealis?
    Any helpful ideas?
    Any personal experiences that support this theory?
    Any ideas about how to find geomagnetic storm historical data and forecasts for my area? (I guess that would be the local daily KP index number?)

    I’ll post our experience as a reply to myself.

    Reply ↓
    1. Shiny Penny*

      My dog has woken me up in the middle of the night multiple nights this week, totally in a panic for no discernible reason.

      Last night he became increasingly unglued between midnight and 3 am, very much like he acts during a huge thunderstorm. But there was no thunderstorm! There was nothing at all going on that I could perceive!

      This is all quite on-brand for him, because he frequently reacts strongly to things below my level of perception, or otherwise not on my radar. My strategy is to believe him, and work with him to reduce his panic level using medication (yes his treatment protocol was prescribed by his psychiatrist aka behavioral vet).

      So at midnight I medicated him as if there was a thunderstorm or fireworks. However, since I couldn’t perceive the trigger, I couldn’t gauge its severity. I sadly underestimated how bad it was for him, so it was a very long night.

      At 2 am, waiting up with him for the second batch of meds to kick in, I suddenly started wondering if the solar energy activity was spiking in our area. And yes! Indeed it was! A significant geomagnetic storm arrived in our area last night, and ramped up EXACTLY parallel to how my dog spiraled between 11 pm and 3 am!

      Everything I know about this topic I learned at 2 am on the internet last night. I have no natural affinity for the topic of space weather or Coronal Mass Ejections! I’m hoping that maybe there’s someone in the AAM-verse who totally loves this topic and can spoon feed some easy websites my way :)

      Reply ↓
    2. Nonny today*

      Personal experience is touch and go, I haven’t really been tracking this closely but I tend to get headaches and some days where I’m just inexplicably tired. Three other equally sensitive people I know feel them too, but haven’t heard about pets.

      Reply ↓

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