Thanksgiving free-for-all – November 28, 2024

by Alison Green on November 28, 2024

This comment section is open for any discussion you’d like to have with other readers (work or non-work or possibly even entirely dessert-focused if that’s your bag).

Happy Thanksgiving!

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{ 221 comments }

{ 221 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. RMNPgirl*

    I became a department director in September at a new company and have three managers reporting to me.
    I’d like to give them a gift for the holidays but am not sure what to get them. I’ve previously been gifted mugs, fun socks, and chocolate and really only liked the socks. I’d like to stay away from food items because I don’t know what people really can/can’t or want to eat.
    Any ideas would be great.
    Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who celebrates!

    Reply ↓
    2. Trawna*

      The only gift I’ve ever liked or wanted: A nice card with cash or cash-equivalent gift card inside.

      Congrats on your new role! And, if you are in the US, Happy Thanksgiving!

      Reply ↓
    3. Aziriel*

      Amazon or otherwise gift cards? A little impersonal but by far the most useful. I personally hate socks but love mugs and chocolate lol so everyone varies.

      Reply ↓
      1. GiftCards*

        Do you know they can use this? I probably couldn’t. I’d stick to general gift cards if you want to go the gift card route.

        Reply ↓
        1. EA*

          Many coffee shops sell drinks and food other than coffee, and I recommended it because I’d personally prefer to buy local vs. supporting Amazon. You could also consider a local bookstore.

          Reply ↓
      2. canuckian*

        If it was something like Tim Horton’s where they sell doughnuts, sandwiches and other food, that would be okay. But as non-coffee/tea drinker, I wouldn’t like a gift card to a strictly coffee shop. Not everyone drinks coffee.

        Reply ↓
    5. LadyMTL*

      If any of them like coffee / tea or even hot chocolate, maybe make a little ‘kit’? You could get a mug and a bag of coffee or a tea sampler, something like that?

      For example, my mom loves coffee so one year I went to a local café, spoke with one of the employees who suggested a few different types that she might like and I bought two different types. I didn’t get her a mug, mind you, because she already has tons, but she loved the coffee.

      Reply ↓
    6. Boggle*

      Not sure why my comment was not posted but I bought one of those hats with lights for grilling, walking the dog, or taking out the garbage at night. He loves it. They have them on Amazon.

      Reply ↓
      2. Not A Manager*

        I have one of those hats! It’s both a novelty and also useful. I bought one for Secret Santa last year and it was a huge success, and I kept one for myself.

        Reply ↓
      3. Unkempt Flatware*

        Oh when you add links, it automatically goes to moderation and then is released when confirmed your post was legit

        Reply ↓
    7. londonedit*

      Socks are always good, and even though I have a ton of mugs, if someone at work gave me a mug then it could stay at the office and I could use it when I’m there. You could tuck a pair of socks into a mug and wrap it up in cellophane or something. Maybe with some chocolates as well (of course not everyone likes chocolate, but most people do, and it’s easy to give away if not).

      Reply ↓
    9. Tradd*

      I will add something that is really useful and a lot of people I know don’t seem to know about: 10ft phone/tablet charging cords. I have one by my bed so I can use iPad in bed while charging and one at my desk at home. Another at my desk in the office. Just make sure you get ones that match the phones these managers have. A lot of people still have older iPhones (14 and older) that have Lightning connectors. iPhone 15 and up are all USB-C. Android are all USB-C. Anker is a good brand. You should be able to find them on sale now. I’d add a gift card, too.

      Reply ↓
    10. RLC*

      Pocket size flashlights, with a wrist lanyard or a clip to secure them to one’s clothing. Bonus points if you can get the kind with adjustable light levels.

      Reply ↓
  2. Anon for this*

    My boss came to me earlier this week and said that he would like to give me a raise, and requested that I send him an email setting forth the range and my accomplishments. I’m struggling to decide what’s a good range to give. For context, I’ve been in my role for approximately 18 months, have taken on and excelled at a variety of significant challenges and received a 2.5% cost of living increase in January. I’m in a jurisdiction where salary data is difficult to obtain, so I don’t have good comparators on where I am compared to the market.

    Reply ↓
    1. Anna*

      Apparently, according to the internet, a standard raise for a promotion is 10% to 15% – why not ask for 10-15 percent as a range, cite the general online consensus, and make the case that the work you’re doing would be in line with a promotion?

      Reply ↓
      1. Oh January*

        Adding on to Anna — if you can truly make the case that you are excelling, exceeding expectations, however you would word it, it might be prudent to ask for 15-20%, a bump up from a standard raise, because of your excellent work/quick learning/departmental support, or whatever? Especially if you’re a gender minority — we tend to undersell ourselves! It can affect us our whole careers. If your boss thinks 20 is too much he can always go back to the 15, which is within the “standard” range.

        Reply ↓
  3. Dear Liza dear liza*

    I’m in love with the idea of an advent doom calendar described earlier this week. I want to create one for a friend who often struggles a bit during January-February. What kind of small things would you include in such a calendar? I have a few ideas based on their hobbies but would love general pick-me-up suggestions.

    Reply ↓
    1. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

      Origami paper strips to fold into tiny stars! It’s really easy to do and they come in some really beautiful designs. I’ve got some galaxy-themed and glow in the dark ones cheap off Amazon.

      Reply ↓
    2. My Brain is Exploding*

      Watching! I was thinking about doing this as well. Socks, small treats (you know what they like), notes of encouragement, poems/words of wisdom/inspirational articles, mine should get several small jars of different kinds of mustard, small gift card (like for a coffee at their special place), secondhand book (yay, thrifting), lottery ticket.

      Reply ↓
    4. Small kindnesses*

      If they have a pet, including one or two toys or special treats (that you know their pet can have) could be sweet. Same if they have kiddos. Also regardless of kids, something like a small thing of playdough could be fun for fidgeting with.

      For a gift exchange I once put a bunch of music I thought a friend would like on a zip drive — you could do that if you have music that is shareable, or you could make them a playlist and share the link. A tiny craft kit — some origami paper, one of those mini watercolor sets there are ads for on instragram, or embroidery thread and some beads — could be fun if your friend is crafty but can’t find a lot of time to do it.

      Some stamps and stationary/postcards to encourage them to send someone they love a note (or just save them a trip to the post office when they need to mail something!).

      And someone said this on the other thread, but if you have access to World Market, they have all kinds of fun tiny food goods — I once put together a box for a friend who was going through a tough time and individually unwrapped each item so it would basically be a doom calendar. She promptly unwrapped all of them as soon as she received, ha!

      Reply ↓
    6. Colette*

      Depending on what they like, you could include small puzzles (the dollar store near me has them), photo frames with a picture they’d like, lip balm, cozy socks, tea, hot chocolate, a small toy (slinky, silly putty, rubik’s cube), candy.

      Reply ↓
      1. Edwina*

        I love all of these ideas! And if it was for me, if just feel better knowing that my friend wanted to make one of these for me (even if a few of the individual items missed the mark).

        Reply ↓
    7. I own one tenacious plant*

      A daily update on what time the sun rises in the morning. The dark months are tough for me but being reminded that they are improving can help. It also means you might see some pretty sunrises.

      Reply ↓
      1. Tea Monk*

        There used to be a Twitter account called here comes the sun that said the time the sun set and how many minutes of sunlight we had over the day before. I guess that’s the opposite but I liked it

        Reply ↓
    8. infopubs*

      Sprinkle in a couple notes from you and maybe their other friends/family that say what you like about them or a funny anecdote. “You have the greatest smile!” “Remembering that time you made me snort soda out my nose!” “I’m grateful that you’re my friend.”

      Reply ↓
    9. Armchair Analyst*

      Think 5 senses – see, hear, smell, touch, taste.
      Not just small plastic stuff to stick on a desk but maybe Legos or similar for touch, chocolate for taste, small candle or even scented wax for smell, some to big that makes a cute sound when you want it to and then doesn’t when you don’t want it to.

      Reply ↓
    11. Toast for Breakfast*

      A beautiful tumbled stone can be found pretty cheap at a local rock shop. Depending on the shape, they can be calming to hold. Tactile and visual! They have different symbolic meanings so you can choose based on what they like or a stone that symbolizes the sun or friendship or whatever you think would help. I would definetly include a note as to why you chose it for them.

      Reply ↓
  4. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

    Tell me about your pets! And what D&D alignment/class they would be :)

    (I have a lawful evil tuxedo cat who would definitely be a Bard because he is VOCAL)

    Reply ↓
    2. Rain, Disappointing Australian*

      I think my cat by default is Chaotic Evil.

      She’s a Siamese. :)

      (And for that matter, she too would be a bard.)

      Reply ↓
    3. Our Business Is Rejoicing*

      Zoya, my floofy calico, is a chaotic neutral rogue. She is indeed actually named partially after a real D&D character of mine (tabaxi chaotic neutral rogue).

      I’ll have to think about the other three cats.

      Reply ↓
    4. Baldrick*

      The older lab is probably neutral good, while the younger pup is chaotic neutral. I’d like to think he’s chaotic good, but the reality is that I can’t trust him enough to leave food on the counter when I go to work.

      Reply ↓
    6. Oh January*

      I also have a lawful evil tuxedo cat! His nicknames are “big chungus” or “bastard man.” He would be a fighter for sure, he likes to bully his brother.

      His brother is a skittish, slender long-haired brown tabby. He is neutral good and probably a cleric. He sees ghosts everywhere and has a loud, healing purr when he cuddles up on your chest (or face, if you are lying down).

      Reply ↓
    7. HiddenT*

      Buttercup: petite female orange tabby, chaotic neutral assassin rogue. She dislikes most people besides me, is always getting into things she shouldn’t, and can be a bit wild. She will decide to bite me if I don’t do what she wants, and despises me roommate (except when he gives her lunchmeat).

      Delilah: black cat, chaotic good retired druid (maybe circle of dreams). She’s elderly and spends most of her time snoozing or snuggling. In her heyday she could get up to some shenanigans, but she’s always been a sweet girl who loves her mom and was a little shy with strangers (at least until they petted her).

      Reply ↓
  5. Wanderer*

    So, I had a situation at work today.
    Recently, we got a new machine at work. Some female coworkers had problems with it not working right and asked me for help. I’m no mechanic, but they thought “maybe he can figure something out”.
    I took a look, couldn’t find a problem and the machine worked as it should. Later that day, the machine stopped working again.
    Today, a coworker said, trying to make a joke, I’m sure, that “maybe all that thing needs is toxic masculinity.”
    When I hear “toxic masculinity” I think aggression, sexism and sexual misconduct.
    I do not want to be associated with that, even as a joke. I want to go to this coworker, with whom I usually get along well, and ask here for the reason stated above to not make a joke of that nature again.
    Is this the way or am I thin-skinned here?

    Reply ↓
    1. possibly*

      As a woman in a male dominated field, a little bit of both. You absolutely shouldn’t have to hear that. And I shouldn’t have to hear “… , oh, except do whatever your wife says”/ “women should stay home with the kids. They’re so good at it”.

      So, yes, it’s absolutely sexist, and it should be shut down. But it’s also part of the sexist backdrop of our society. And if this is the first time you’ve had an overtly sexist comment directed at you, that’s a privilege that women don’t enjoy.

      Reply ↓
    2. Bella Ridley*

      If I had a coworker I got along well with, and I made a joke like that and received a response like that, I’d never make another joke of any type with him ever again. Do whatever you want, but be prepared to significantly cool the relationship if you do.

      Reply ↓
      1. tabloidtainted*

        Ideally, you shouldn’t be making jokes at a coworker’s expense, no matter how well you get along with them.

        Reply ↓
    3. tabloidtainted*

      I have seen people unintentionally use “toxic masculinity” as a stand in for “masculinity.” Kind of like how everything is gaslighting or everyone is a narcissist. I think it’s fair to ask her not to make that joke again.

      Reply ↓
    4. acmx*

      Wow, that was rude of her. You helped them and she called you toxic?! She would not like it if you made a joke about women.

      I would want to address it, too.

      Reply ↓
      1. learnedthehardway*

        I’m offended on the OP’s behalf. I mean, really. I expect it was meant to be funny, but it was hurtful, instead.

        Reply ↓
    5. Maybe*

      Maybe instead just tell her that you were thinking about that, tell her what that makes you think, and tell her you hope she doesn’t think that applies to you. This assumes you are open to her telling you that it might! Or just let it drop, remember the bit about jokes punching up but not down?

      Reply ↓
    6. bamcheeks*

      What kind of outcome are you looking for from this conversation?

      I think there are probably three outcomes you can get from this:

      1. she is generally a kind and friendly person who meant to be funny, it landed badly, and she is apologetic because she didn’t mean to hurt your feeelings
      2. she meant it to be funny, but she’s defensive when you call her on it, and tells you you’re overreacting
      3. she meant to be mean

      Based on what you know of her, which do you think it is?

      I personally wouldn’t *ask* her what she meant by it, because I don’t think the answer will actually give you new information: she either meant to be mean or thought it was a lighthearted joke, and there’s no deeper meaning than that. But I do think you can simply state a boundary: “hey, that joke about toxic masculinity kind of hurt my feelings! I was trying to be helpful, not toxic.”

      How she reacts will tell you whcih one of the three options above it was. If it’s 1, she’ll go, “oh sorry! I was just meant as a silly joke. I don’t think you’re toxic!” or something like that. If she meant to be mean, or she gets defensive when called on a joke gone wrong, she’ll say, “wow, overreaction much? Can’t you take a joke?” And that’s the information you need either way.

      TL;DR: asking what she meant probably won’t help, but telling her that yoh didn’t appreciate the joke will show you who she is.

      The reason is probably that she thought it would be funny.

      Reply ↓
      1. Lexi Vipond*

        Yes, I think it was intended as a joke at the machine’s expense – that it was only willing to work for a man. Not brilliant phrased, though.

        Reply ↓
        1. londonedit*

          I was also wondering whether she really meant ‘the patriarchy’ or something – as in, turns out all the machine needed was a strapping lad to knock it into shape. It’s still not the best joke and isn’t really funny, but I can imagine her meaning something like that, a joke at the machine’s expense or a general dig at ‘the patriarchy’, rather than meaning ‘toxic masculinity’ and implying that you were an example of toxic masculinity. Sort of like the opposite of when people say ‘See, just needed a woman’s touch!’

          Reply ↓
    7. DJ Abbott*

      I think your coworker was not so bright, saying that. A person with awareness of such things would know it probably wouldn’t land as a joke.
      How do you think she would respond to you saying something? Would it be OK with your manager if you did? If you think she would respond badly, then keep quiet. Otherwise I would lean towards saying something, if it would be OK with your manager.

      Reply ↓
    8. The Sweet One*

      Hrm. That’s a really weird comment, and I am having some trouble wrapping my head around what they could have meant given the context. (Toxic masculinity is complex and harms everyone—it’s definitely not just bad for women.) As someone else mentioned, it seems like someone used the term without really understanding what it meant. It may be that it was a dig at the women who asked (i.e. that they were implying that mechanical stuff was “men’s work”).

      Either way, I would probably assume ignorance rather than malice and try to lightheartedly push back on that (like “Nah, it’s just teamwork/collaboration/whatever corporate value applies here” or “Now we know how many llama groomers it takes to troubleshoot a set of hand crank clippers. We should document this!”

      If they make another comment like that, I’d call it out: “You’ve said that my helping Jane is toxic masculinity a couple of times. That troubles me. What do you mean by that?”

      Reply ↓
      1. anonymous anteater*

        agree with this. Even before a repeat of the comment, you could say “hey remember when the machine was working for me but not others, and you joked about it needing toxic masculinity? I’m still hung up on that, I hope you’d tell me if I was behaving toxic.”

        Assuming that she made a thoughtless throwaway comment, she needs to know that it landed with you differently. Then the conclusion not to say it again should occur to her independently.

        Reply ↓
        1. Like this*

          I like this as it does not get into “feelings” like being hurt, need for apology or so on, and can be delivered in a warm and light tone.
          OP might also add, as stated in their question, “… think of aggression, sexism and sexual misconduct.
          I do not want to be associated with that and hope you would tell me if… “

          Reply ↓
    9. Lucy Van Pelt*

      My take is slightly different due to my experience in a similar situation. First up, it was a rude joke and you are not thin skinned. But if the coworker who made the joke is female, there might be some innate frustration behind that “joke” toward herself and/or her fellow coworkers who obliviously followed stereotypical gender bias that women would take a machine to a man to fix. I’ve done this before and kicked myself. Held a grudge against myself, even as I know I’m in a constant battle with the stereotypes within the system in which we all were raised.

      I never apologized to the coworker I insulted. He did nothing wrong and was as bewildered as you are as I realized too much later. I still owe him one, but we’re both several jobs and countries away by now. If you can, do what you suggested and tell her that joke was offensive to you and ask her not to do it again. She might be the kind of person who would be glad of the chance.

      Reply ↓
    10. GenderRoles*

      Personally. I think you should have shut it down if they singled you out to fix it because you’re male. Because that’s really the root of the issue here/where the rest falls from.

      As a mechanically minded female, it bothers me that the dynamic was women automatically asked the man to do it and that was accepted on both sides of the equation.

      Now perhaps a group of coworkers who happened to be women couldn’t figure it out and were asking everyone who passed by if they could and you (who happened to be make) stopped to give it a try that would be different, and perhaps it really was that and you’re making a point of gender from the start because of the subsequent comments, but that’s not how it reads to me.

      Reply ↓
    11. EA*

      This is the kind of comment that is really better addressed right when the person says it. I think you could certainly say something if the person makes a similar joke again. But bringing it up later probably won’t have good outcomes.

      Reply ↓
    12. Two cents*

      If I was your coworker, I would want you to tell me a joke I made landed badly so I could apologize! I don’t think it has to be a big deal for either of you. Unless you see evidence that suggests otherwise, I would give her as much benefit of the doubt as you can by assuming it was a badly phrased attempt at humor to diffuse her frustration and/or the situation. We’ve all said something stupid before, or picked the wrong word for what we meant or otherwise garbled an interaction, even badly. Not every situation is steeped in bad intentions or meanness or digs at other people or the system we live in, more often it is that we are human and bungle things. But that doesn’t invalidate your feelings about it and I think it is absolutely appropriate to mention it to her and give her a chance to smooth things over!

      Reply ↓
    14. Saturday*

      I’ve heard people use toxic masculinity when they mean masculinity or male energy or the like. Which is completely messed up! I absolutely don’t think you’re being too thin-skinned.

      But I think it means that your coworker was not associating you with aggression, sexism and sexual misconduct if that’s any comfort. I think there was some discomfort about the women asking a man for help with machines, like Lucy Van Pelt mentioned above, and you got unfairly pulled into that.

      Personally, I don’t think I’d bring it up now that it has passed, but I would be ready to respond if you hear that again. Maybe something like, “Hey, I hope we can agree that there are lots of ways to be male that aren’t toxic,” would call out the problem with throwing that phrase around, and someone who isn’t trying to be malicious would take note.

      Reply ↓
  6. Anima*

    Does anybody have a good and proven deviled eggs recipe? I would like to make them and can of course google it, but I’d like a tested recipe. Am in Germany, for that matter, so no Thanksgiving, but I’d like to try those eggs.
    Partially also because Snake Discovery made a reptile save version of them and the reptiles really liked them, I think I (human, really I swear ;) ) will like them, too.

    Reply ↓
    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      There’s a zillion ways, heh. I do my filling with mayonnaise, crumbled bacon and garlic because I like them savory but not actually spicy. Some people do mustard, some people do relish/chopped pickles, I’ve seen chopped sun-dried tomatoes, paprika sprinkled on top is a pretty common garnish. My mom does mustard AND pickles. My husband likes his with a bit of avocado mashed in and also some hot sauce.

      Reply ↓
    3. old curmudgeon*

      I also don’t really have a recipe, just add stuff to the mashed yolks until it looks and tastes right. I start with mayonnaise and yellow mustard, a bit of granulated garlic, and a bit of granulated onion. I also occasionally add a little curry powder (sweet or hot, according to preference), and I always use half-sharp paprika to sprinkle over the top rather than sweet paprika. My spouse likes to use the lumpy brown mustard instead of yellow, or you can use the fancy French mustard.

      Reply ↓
      1. Edwina*

        When I was a kid my friend’s mom taught us how to make deviled eggs that were really good. unfortunately the only thing I remember was using the tip of a knife to take a pinch of powdered mustard out of the can to put in the mixture. I think the mustard is what made them taste delicious.

        Reply ↓
    4. HannahS*

      I don’t have a recipe. I mash the egg yolks with salt, pepper, mayonnaise, lemon juice, and paprika, then top with a caper or chive.

      A devilled egg is really just a version of egg salad! So anything you like in egg salad will work.

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    5. Falling Diphthong*

      My standard is:
      Hard boil some eggs.
      Mash up the yolks with mayonnaise, salt, pepper, capers, maybe mustard or parsley. Pile back into the eggs. Sprinkle with paprika.

      I share this observation from Smitten Kitchen: In most contexts, if someone offered to feed you six eggs, you would decline in puzzlement. But turn them into deviled eggs and suddenly it becomes simple to eat that many.

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    6. Not That Jane*

      A fellow Snake Discovery fan! :)

      Personally I like my deviled eggs like this. Hard boil a bunch of eggs, more than you think you’ll need. Let them cool, peel and cut in half along the long axis. Remove the yolks and put in a bowl with a little mayo, some seedy mustard, and maybe a little smoked paprika, chives, or celery seed. It’s flexible :) Mash the mixture together (I do this with my hands). Then use a spoon or piping bag, if you have one, to fill each egg white with a dollop of the yolk mixture.

      Reply ↓
    8. londonedit*

      Nigella Lawson made devilled eggs on one of her TV programmes a while back, as a one-woman quest to bring them back from the 1970s, and her recipes are usually excellent.

      Reply ↓
    10. Charlotte Lucas*

      I use sweet pickle relish, mustard, mayo, and smoked paprika. And I don’t really measure, just mix to the right texture and taste.

      Reply ↓
    11. Spaypets*

      Not to be pedantic (although it’s my superpower), but deviled eggs really should have mustard, that’s what makes them “deviled,”(though hot sauce would probably qualify too) otherwise they’re just stuffed eggs. Anyway, I use mayonnaise, dijon mustard and cumin in mine. No real recipe, just enough to create an easy to work with paste with the yolk.

      Reply ↓
    12. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      When I make a batch of deviled eggs, I use horseradish in half of the filling and mustard in the other half. The two flavors get different toppings. It seems like the horseradish-filled eggs always get eaten first!

      Reply ↓
      1. BermyBeepBeep*

        I was getting all kinds of worried cus nobody mentioned horseradish yet! I even use wasabi when I can get it. Maybe a little cube of bell pepper for garnish, for the crunch.

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    13. Anima*

      This is amazing, thank you all so much! I’ve now got several jumping off points to make these eggs, and we are a mustard-loving household, so I will start there!
      Gosh, this forum is so nice! :)

      Reply ↓
  7. HannahS*

    (CW: pregnancy)

    Well, I’m expecting baby #2 and feeling both happy and excited (this is very wanted!) and also nervous. I would say that the transition to motherhood was pretty rocky–we had just moved to a new city, it was the pandemic, we were isolated, Mr. S was veering towards depression and was not particularly helpful postpartum, baby #1 was not cranky by nature but did need to be held and entertained every second and didn’t sleep through the night until she was two and a half, I had several painful complications of breastfeeding, etc.

    So…it wasn’t great, and I’d like to avoid repeating that experience, especially because baby #1 will be 4 years old and I want all of to have an easier transition to being a family of 4.

    So I guess I’m looking for the following:
    -What kind of help did you find helpful? e.g. night nanny, meal service, cleaners?
    -How did you support a smooth transition for your older child?
    -Please just reassure me that it’s easier the second time around lol

    Reply ↓
    1. ReallyBadPerson*

      Hire a cleaner. If your first is in daycare/school, or you have a nanny, keep the routine the same. Allow your oldest to participate in welcoming the new baby, fetching blankets, singing lullabies, etc. Have cuddle time with them whenever new baby is napping or being held by others. Expect a bit of behavior regression. It will pass.
      Hire a cleaner, hire a cleaner, hire a cleaner!

      Reply ↓
    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Smoothing transition (kids five years apart):

      We let her make up birth announcements to distribute at preschool with a goodie bag, like for a birthday party. Solemnly acknowledging her transition into big sisterhood in a way that made it about her.

      After baby arrived, we gave her a special new toy. (A barn for her extensive horse collection.) A new exciting thing to occupy her that didn’t require our involvement.

      We read the book Julius the Baby of the World by Kevin Henkes, about a very intense mouse named Lily who is very excited about her new baby brother, right up until he arrives and she does not care for sharing the attention. Oldest actually found this stressful before the baby–she believed she would never have negative feelings–but after youngest arrived asked if we could read the story again. It’s great because Lily’s idea of lashing out is to sing the baby the alphabet in the wrong order and call him a raisin. Oldest might be feeling some things, but it’s not like she ever called the baby a raisin.

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    3. bamcheeks*

      It absolutely was easier the second time around for me, chiefly because I knew that babies are tough and are not actually trying to die. As long as they are fed regularly, changed regularly, and cuddled a lot, they are overwhelmingly likely to be fine (obviously there are awful tragedies, but they are awful tragedies and rarely the result of the kind of decisions I worried over.) Sooooo much of my first-baby anxiety was not being able to triage things like, “the baby needs a nappy change” “the baby is hungry” “the baby is crying and I don’t know why”, and I think I truly believed that if I got any of these things wrong, The Baby Might Die. I was so much more chill with #2 just because my Worst Case Scenario was more like, “the baby will have to wait an extra half an hour to be changed because we are on the way home and she will cry all the way” or “if this baby doesn’t go down for a nap now bedtime will be Worse”, neither of which is a Good Outcome but they are not tragedies.

      Plus it’s actually really helpful that you’ve practised the MECHANICAL stuff — you know how to set up and drop the pushchair one handed! You aren’t trying to figure out the carseat whilst sleep deprived and with a soundtrack of someone screaming!

      I would try and plan for a mixture of childcare/babysitting (including your partner) which includes a) baby is being looked after and I get time with Big Kid b) Big Kid is being looked after and I get time with baby and c) both are being looked after and I get TIME BY MYSELF.

      Four year olds are big enough to be Very Helpful– really liked having a 3-year gap because it was very easy to tell Big Sister that she WAS a Big Sister, and to tell her that the baby looked up to her, and to involve her in things like cuddling the baby, showing her toys, singing to her and things like that. They are both grade-school age now and I LOVE their relationship– they do fight, but they are super close and both of them name each other as their favourite person. I do feel this is as much luck as anything we did right, however!

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    4. Adam*

      We found it so much easier the second time!

      For the first kid (ours are 2.5 years apart), the biggest things we did were telling him what to expect/explaining what was happening and giving him jobs to do. He was a lot happier if he needed to go fetch a nappy or just pat the baby or whatever else we could come up with that made him feel involved.

      But also just everything was easier. First, because you have some idea of what’s happening, so when the baby won’t sleep or won’t eat you know that that happens sometimes and you aren’t a horrible parent. But also having the older kid around forces you to do a bunch of stuff, which helps pass all those hours where you have to hold the baby but the baby can’t do anything so you’re just sort of staring off into space feeling sorry for yourself. Instead, a bunch of that time was getting the older kid ready for nursery or feeding him dinner or putting him to bed, which gave structure to the day.

      Reply ↓
    5. learnedthehardway*

      I found it much easier the second time around – for one thing, I knew that the hormone cascade was coming and could brace for it. Being overwhelmed with emotions as you are bonding with your baby is a roller coaster experience.

      Seconding the idea of getting a house cleaner for the first year or longer. I have had one for years, and it is probably the single most important thing for my mental health, and it allows me to enjoy my non-work life rather than feeling resentful and stressed.

      I think the thing that worked most for easing the transition for our older child was that he was very busy – he started kindergarten that month, and he was pretty exhausted from that when he came home in the afternoons. He wasn’t interested in the baby, but did want to be the centre of attention, so we did what we could to provide attention. If we couldn’t, we made sure he had toys and activities (even computer games) that were absorbing.

      Reply ↓
    6. I own one tenacious plant*

      I don’t have kids but we are not in a pandemic! And you now have access to your village that might include someone like me who would be so excited to hold the baby, or play with the older kid while you sat down for five min or I’ll wash the dishes while you read to toddler. It’s going to be very different but good different.

      Reply ↓
      1. Categorical*

        Some of us ARE still affected by the pandemic. Profoundly, deeply, painfully, daily, minute by minute.
        Doesn’t change your general point, I understand.

        Reply ↓
    7. FromasmalltowninCanada*

      My first was very challenging – not during the pandemic but I was put on home rest, traumatic first couple of weeks post birth, readmittance to the hospital (baby) in the first couple of weeks, etc. you get the idea. I had postpartum depression without the diagnosis and white knuckled everything.

      I was terrified the second time before the twins arrived, but it was so much better the second time (even with twins and a C-section). In my case my oldest was also 4 – I spent lots of one of one time leading up to the birth with the oldest. My partner took 4 weeks off (know that may not be feasible – it was parental leave for him), then we had family come in once or twice a week overnight for several weeks and then hired in part time help. Often I went and slept when we had help. For me, sleep was crucial to avoiding PPD again.

      If you can afford to hire a cleaner – it’s worth it, but if I had to choose I would choose help so I could sleep. We did not hire a night nanny – couldn’t afford it but I got daytime help that allowed me to nap.

      I second the people saying that you worry less about the basics – you generally know how to keep a baby alive and it’s not so new and overwhelming. I froze a bunch of meals ahead of time and had family bring some food as well in the first couple of weeks.

      Reply ↓
    8. Local garbage committee*

      Just had our second in March, first was a pandemic baby, here’s what helped us: meal train, having friends and family come over to give big sis attention, screen time, giving big sis jobs to help with baby if she wanted (like picking out outfits). Definitely easier than the transition to one, in part because labor went easier and we knew what to expect and that those messy newborn days are a relatively short period of time. Hopefully your partner will be in a better place to help out this time but if not call in your family and friends. People do really want to help!

      Reply ↓
    9. EA*

      My first was almost 3 when my second was born and it’s been wonderful. I kept her routine pretty much the same, and she went back to school a few days after he was born. Having special time one on one time with her, even just 15 mins, helped a lot. But honestly she loved the baby and just wished he were more interesting at first! Now they play together all day though.

      My husband sounds like yours and having an open conversation about expectations postpartum may help. Having Papa do more with the older one worked for us sometimes.

      Reply ↓
  8. BellaStella*

    I am in Europe so am not celebrating today but am inspired later today to buy some turkey meat and potatoes and carrots.

    I have a work question too on which I would appreciate some advice.

    I have obtained four new professional certifications this year. I have asked HR where these can go in the system for my file, but I would like help framing explaining this in my end of year review. Because we do not get any external training at all I wanted to do these things also to keep up skills and to add to my CV for when I start looking.

    Here is what I am thinking of noting in my review broadly:
    1. These all relate to my job and developing my skills to be a better Project Manager – and I am applying the things I have learned in my work. One is a PM certification, two are languages, one is a technical cert related to the org I work for, a standard.
    2. They were all at my expense and mostly all on my own time and about 800 euro out of pocket
    3. My development has been in an effort to improve my value to work but am unsure how to say this – not sure I can quantify cost savings but maybe improved efficiency and communications overall? I have been able to develop some work deliverables better but not sure I can measure this now, maybe in a year.

    Also I have achieved all of my goals and metrics this year too plus some above and beyond stuff. However, because of some crap with a missing stair and his enabling protective boss there are a lot of difficulties this year and HR has been involved with three of us to guide us in dealing with this crap but HR have not dealt with the problem missing stair etc.

    I want to show I am engaged and worth investing in but also there are a lot of things happening that make me feel like fighting for myself is going to go nowhere.

    Any help appreciated.

    Reply ↓
    1. anonymous anteater*

      I would probably focus on exceeding your goals. That is the main thing from the business perspective. If one or two of the certifications helped to improve your performance, you can weave that in. Or if it directly relates to something that you could do next, you could mention the new task as a development goal, and include that you already have a relevant certification.
      If you can’t draw a direct connection with current or upcoming work, I would not necessarily put it in. It’s good for YOUR CV of course, but that’s not 100% identical with what matters to the business.

      Reply ↓
      1. BellaStella*

        Thanks, this is a good point to eave it in on current work and on development goals for next year – in current work it has helped a bit, but I can see that this is a thing to note overall, but not a thing to highlight.

        Reply ↓
    2. OutsideActivites*

      I would be cautious about integrating them into work performance reviews if they were not approved or paid for by your job. That would not be considered work related in any performance review I’ve been part of and it would be considered weird to try to make it relevant to your job performance even if you learned things relevant to your job.

      That said, if you think it would be taken more positively in yourcompany, who am I to tell you otherwise. But I would focus very specifically on concrete things you learned and how you are actively applying them to yield measurable improvement to your performance- with as much data you can find to support this as possible.

      Reply ↓
      1. BellaStella*

        Thank you for this. I do not think it will be weird, may folks in my org do this but I will think about how they add to skills to increase performance, a good point.

        Reply ↓
    3. Cacofonix*

      Coming from someone with these credentials and more at my cost over the years, you can tie what you’ve learned seeing as you’ve applied it in your job. Get specific in your examples relating them to your training and talk about the payoff you’ve seen so far and how you will be measuring it. Example, you’ve learned about risk. Since my training and certification, I’ve applied more rigorous risk management processes in my project which affects how we make decisions.

      TDLR for the rest. For example, the management decision to eliminate a procedure in X process because it was unnecessary would have had a downstream impact to the AB department had we not evaluated the risk. As I led my team through the risk process, we determined we should verify that the specific data gathered in procedure X was also unnecessary. We found that Department AB absolutely required a few points. We found a way to gather what they needed in another step and avoided the painstaking work it would have been to gather it after we implemented the change, which they say could have cost them a half hour per file until we implemented a fix, not to mention the analysis, technical work and retraining. Additionally, due to the benefits realization training I took, I have this plan to measure the efficiency of this process which will show the value our department has brought to the org. You get the picture… how has what you’ve done made them look good.

      I’ll only say that HR referencing your creds is administrative at best. Missing stairs are for leadership to manage or not.

      Reply ↓
  9. Panic! At the Work Holiday Party*

    Hi friends! I’m doing an internship and have received an invite to our holiday party. The invitation included a place to indicate if you were bringing a plus one. I asked my manager if it would be okay to bring someone, and she said it would be alright if I did so I checked the box. I’m a little paranoid that no one else will have a plus one (it’s on a Thursday afternoon) and I will be subject to a lot of scrutiny, but I also wanted to bring someone else because I am so! Awkward! At! Parties!

    I’m not really dating anyone right now, which my manager knows. Because of that, I’d like to bring my best friend. Is that acceptable? If it matters, I’m an openly queer woman in my early twenties and my best friend is a straight woman of the same age. (There are other openly queer people in the office, but most people are a bit older than me.)

    Reply ↓
    1. ecnaseener*

      Re paranoia, you could ask around and see if other people are bringing plus-ones.

      Bringing a platonic friend is definitely acceptable, but not necessarily common, so if it sounds like the only other plus-one’s will be dates, you could ask someone whether it’s only ever been romantic partners in the past.

      Basically, you absolutely *can* bring her, but if you’re weighing the pros and cons, then gather more information before you decide.

      Reply ↓
    2. ReallyBadPerson*

      It is absolutely fine for your plus one to just be a friend! At my daughter’s wedding, several of her friends brought platonic plus ones. One friend of my mother’s brought her son. Don’t overthink this, just bring a person you’d enjoy talking to.

      Reply ↓
      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Key is that the friend (or relative) plus one will make things easier for you by holding up their end of socializing, e.g. making conversation with a range of people.

        Reply ↓
        1. Another Janet*

          Ding ding ding! Bring your bestie if she’ll help you socialize in a quasi-professional space. And like others have said, you can definitely ask more junior or peer level colleagues if they’re bringing anyone to get a sense of the vibes. (Weekday afternoon is the only thing that makes me think folks might be flying solo.)

          Reply ↓
    3. londonedit*

      I’d ask around, just to make sure, but I think it’d be absolutely fine to bring a friend if other people are bringing a +1. You could even bring it up when you ask people – ‘Hey, do people generally tend to bring guests to the party? I’d like to invite my friend Sally along, she’s great fun, but I wanted to make sure other people would be bringing a guest too!’

      Reply ↓
    4. aspirational yogurt*

      I’m the platonic +1 for my friend’s work parties
      It’snever been awkward for either of us or the coworkers. Key, I think, is that I talk to everyone at the table “I’m here with Julie, we used to with together years ago.”, “Julie works in X department”. Basically give some context so the other person has something to build on conversationally.
      At this point, she’s worked at the same place for several years and a few people recognize me. lol

      Reply ↓
  10. My Brain is Exploding*

    Let’s all chime in here for words of gratitude for Alison. What have you learned from her/this site? What are you thankful for here at AAM? I’ll start: thank you, Alison, for sharing your journey with your mom’s health. It was powerful and thoughtful; I’m so sorry for your loss and know that each “first” holiday will be difficult. I’m thankful when I read your kindness to letter writers and the kindnesses of internet strangers to one another. I’m thankful for what I’m learning here – as a person whose young adult children are in entirely different fields (I’m an ancillary health care provider) and in an entirely different time than when I was job-hunting, your posts help bring me into what’s going on in their world and give us interesting topics for discussion.

    Reply ↓
    1. The OG Sleepless*

      The first time she kindly told someone who was extremely anxious about making their boss angry and screwing up at work that it might be a pattern held over from childhood, it was like the universe just stopped for a minute. Giant record scratch in my head. It started a fundamental change in how I viewed myself and understanding some issues I’ve had my entire working life. I can’t adequately express how grateful I am for that.

      Reply ↓
    2. Flower*

      OMG, yes! Alison is a light. She manages to provide practical help with a heaping side of compassion and understanding for humans that always inspires me.

      Reply ↓
  11. Student*

    Do any of your college/university campuses get the entire week off for Thanksgiving? Our campus is closed today and tomorrow, but most of my classes are business as usual. I’m staying home and doing homework today because otherwise I won’t be ready to start the new material when it opens this weekend.

    Reply ↓
    1. Zelda*

      In my experience, Thanksgiving is never much of a break for college students. It’s too close to finals to allow for proper time off.
      I’m a university librarian. We’re closed today, but open normal hours tomorrow and over the weekend. I expect it’ll be quiet, but we’ll still have people in there working and studying.

      Reply ↓
    2. Calendar decisions, yeesh!*

      I work in higher ed, and this very much depends upon the kind of college/university. IF it is a school that has the whole week off, then it is almost certainly a smaller, private college where the students are going to leave the Friday before anyway and blow off the Monday & Tuesday classes. Almost all colleges now have Wednesday (for travel) and Thursday and Friday off. And any services are generally extremely restricted from Wednesday to Sunday, especially if they are staffed by students (library, athletic complexes,…). If it is a larger/urban school and/or draws its student body locally, then the decisions would be different. I’m not familiar with ANY school that would resume completely regular operations over the post-Thanksgiving weekend.

      Side note: academic calendars are set years in advance and are aimed at satisfying the accreditation needs of hours-in-class vs. the realities of local calendar conflicts (e.g. when are the public school breaks that mean that staff will take time off? What are the religious holidays that the local community will celebrate?). It’s always a balancing game and fairly opaque to outsiders. Also, there’s a lot of “we’ve always done it this way”.

      Reply ↓
      1. Student*

        Thanks for that note. When I was growing up, we only had Thursday and Friday off in public school (I graduated 25 years ago), but I felt like the shift was towards getting the entire week. I guess I was surprised that wasn’t extended past K-12.

        Reply ↓
    3. CollegeBreaks*

      I’ve never seen anyplace that gives more than Thursday/Friday. That includes places I’ve gone to school, places I’ve worked at, and places family have worked at. This spans a fairly large number of schools centered in the Northeast but also in the Midwest and Southwest.

      Reply ↓
    4. Charlotte Lucas*

      Not sure what they do now, as I live in a completely different part of the country, but Washington State University gave a full week off when I went there in the 90s. In the other hand, winter break was only 3 weeks (it’s 4 at most universities).

      Reply ↓
      1. NormsAndExpectations*

        Wow. I got between 2-2.5 weeks depending on what day of the week Christmas/New Year’s fell on. We broke sometime around Dec 16-18 and resumed on Jan 2, or the subsequent Mondsy if Jan 2 fell on a weekend. I’ve seen a few school go three weeks but never 4.

        Reply ↓
        1. Dear Liza dear liza*

          This seems to depend if you’re on quarters or semesters. Most semester universities and colleges end a week or so before Christmas and start up the week of Martin Luther King Jr Day. (US, here.)

          It’s not uncommon for colleges to squeeze in a “mini-mester” during winter break for less traditional experiences, like studying away or doing an internship.

          Reply ↓
    6. Lynn*

      My former employer had a contract with a major university located in the city where I live

      I worked at the university as a contract visitor parking attendant

      The university was closed on Thanksgiving and the day after, but my employer only paid their employees for Thanksgiving day

      So, I had to use a vacation day for the day after Thanksgiving to get paid for that day

      The same for the university’s winter break

      I had to use vacation time to be paid when the university was closed for their winter break

      The only holidays my employer paid their employees for were Christmas and New Year’s Day

      Reply ↓
  12. Turquoise*

    A friend has gotten to the references stage after interviewing for a position and they are being very specific about who she must give: her supervisor from two past jobs (they picked which ones from her resume) and her current manager. One of the reasons she left this past job is because her supervisor was extremely difficult to get a hold of, so she offered a coworker she worked closely with and to connect them to HR to confirm dates of employment, but HR won’t budge on this at all. They did say if the two past ones are good they could do a conditional offer, contingent on a good reference from her current job. This is for a government job. Is this the norm now for references or are they being weirdly picky? I’ve always thought candidates had some professional judgement in who they gave as references.

    Reply ↓
    1. Adam*

      I have never heard of people being that inflexible. What would they do if one of those people isn’t willing to give references? What if they’re dead or moved away? I think if a candidate can’t produce *any* references, that might be concerning, but demanding specific people is super unusual.

      Reply ↓
    2. Venus*

      Does she have the contact info for that manager? I would provide it and then let them try to contact the manager, and after a few attempts they can understand why your friend provided other options.

      Reply ↓
  13. Falling Diphthong*

    Does anyone have any YouTube series recommendations (or other source) that are a good Intro to Specific Craft? I am thinking of sketching or watercolor, but open to all sorts of things.

    Reply ↓
  14. Anonynon*

    How do I motivate myself to personalize and send out resumes when the either total silence or instant rejection is severely triggering my depression (already not good due to SAD and the darkness of the days living in the northeast of the US)? My current job is a temp job through January, so it’s not like I have a choice about applying. I need another job after this one. But for the past month, I haven’t even been able to look at job descriptions let alone open my resume or work on cover letters.

    Anyone have some motivation tips?

    Reply ↓
    1. bamcheeks*

      this isn’t guaranteed, but it worked for me when I was in a similar boat: de-personalise and/or gameify it – X applications a week, done according to a formula (open job description, underline key words, change/add to resume or cover letter, click send, log in spreadsheet / tick box in notebook, forget). If there is any rewards you can give yourself for doing each stage, doing each application, and doing X a week (not too many, I would say 3-6 a week AT MOST depending on your field), do that. Even if it’s only buying a Nice Notebook and Coloured Pens to track what you’ve done and colour in boxes, or making your spreadsheet pretty.

      I personally find the most exhausting part of applications is getting invested in each one and trying to imagine what it would be like. The more I could make it a process with steps to tick off rather than something I emotionally invested in, the easier it was. And rewards helped tremendously!

      Reply ↓
    2. ResumeEtiquette*

      Honestly, I wouldn’t personalize resumes – resumes stay in company databases and are used to contact people about future openings. Further, if you end up applying for two different jobs at the company and the resumes are substantially different it often raises a red flag. I know at several companies I’ve worked at it could take you out of the running.

      If you apply for two or three entirely different categories of jobs, I could see having one for each category that focuses on that category but still includes high level info on the others in case a company ends up with more than one, but otherwise I’d use cover letters to highlight specific items for specific companies.

      Good luck!

      Reply ↓
  15. Indecisive Career Changer*

    Has anyone gone to WGU (Western Governors University)? How was it and were you able to get a new job or promotion related to what you studied after? Was it taken seriously as a degree? I see people talking about getting their master’s in 6 months, which seems incredible.

    I’m also not sure what I should go back for, if anything. I know I need to do something to kick start my career in a new direction but can’t decide on the direction. What would you choose out of a second bachelor’s in accounting, a general MBA or an MBA in Healthcare Management or IT Management. Or an MS in Healthcare Management (not sure how it’s different from the MBA) or MS in Human Resources? I suppose I’m wondering how the job market would be for someone with one of these degrees and experience in mostly general administrative work. I have a little bit of experience in HR, though that was 20+ years ago.

    There’s another question – I’m pushing 50. How hard is it to change careers at my age?

    Reply ↓
    1. Student*

      One of the staff I work with in a government agency got her accounting degree there. I had never heard of it before. I’m a career change student in my mid-40s. You generally don’t need a second bachelor’s degree in accounting, even if you want to be CPA eligible, because what counts is the number of units and the coursework, which can generally be done at community college. There is a shortage of accountants generally, a CPA isn’t required for government in my state, there are a lot of job openings, and people seem to move through the ranks quickly, so I feel confident in this as a career path for me. But it really depends on your circumstances and what you want to do.

      Reply ↓
    2. WGU Alum*

      I have 2 degrees from WGU – an undergrad in business management and a general MBA. People can finish quickly because it’s competency based. The school was originally designed for people that had all the knowledge, but not the piece of paper saying they did. I was not one of those, though, and there is a huge mix of student types these days.

      Before my degrees, I was doing a lot of gig-type work, so I didn’t have a lot of the type of experience people were looking for. After graduating, I got an individual contributor role (which required a degree, though not a Master’s). The role started as an IC with the plan of becoming a team lead. This wasn’t an empty promise sort of situation – there just literally wasn’t a team yet to lead. During my time there, my salary grew 3x, almost 4x. My next role I started out at a Director level.

      No one has ever had anything to say about where I earned my degrees (good or bad). It’s hard to know of the things that occurred which are specifically attributed to my degrees vs other circumstances, but I wouldn’t have landed that first job if I had no degree and it was life-changing for me.

      Reply ↓
  16. Favorite festive foods?*

    What’s a favorite holiday/special occasion dish? Welcoming ideas related any holiday or occasion, just looking to get some new ideas! (Recipes welcome if that’s your thing.)

    Reply ↓
    1. bamcheeks*

      We made a lovely vegetarian wellington last Christmas. The filling was onion, butternut squash, chestnut mushrooms and chestnuts with looooots of thyme. I made a very slightly sweetened gravy to go with it (UK gravy, not US gravy), with caramelised onion, miso, marmite, dark brown sugar and tomato puree. You can find the recipe if you google “georgie eats mushroom wellington”.

      Reply ↓
    3. The Sweet One*

      Some family traditions: plum pudding for Christmas and spiced peaches for Thanksgiving (and often Christmas). I will bake a cake or cupcakes for all sorts of reasons. I didn’t do it this year, but I have had great success with mini piecaken for generic fall fun (I just make bite-sized pecan pies and then put them in the middle of pumpkin spice cupcakes… just fill the cups about a quarter of the way with batter, set the mini pie in, and fill the rest of the way, giving the pan a few taps on the counter to get the air bubbles out).

      Reply ↓
    4. Taters and stuffing*

      My grandma makes stuffing balls, which I can’t imagine the recipe is any different than regular stuffing other than she shapes them into balls and finishes them in the oven so there are some crunchy bits on the outside. I think that’s the magic of them, is that they’re portioned and easily served and each one has some crunchy bits instead of just the top layer of the bowl. I always thought of them as pretty normal but my spouse clocked them as unique and slightly weird but ultimately pretty genius. Thanksgiving is Alice’s Restaurant and stuffing balls for me :D

      Reply ↓
      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        My mom did something similar but added apple and wrapped them in bacon. I now make a vegetarian version using Morningstar Farms veggie bacon, and they are sooooo good.

        Reply ↓
      1. bamcheeks*

        That’s my family’s bonfire night dish. We’re mostly veggie, so we treat Yorkshires as a main with greens and onion gravy!

        Reply ↓
    1. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

      Calm professional behaviour and no bright colours or lights in the room! Also, and this may be just me, but not having them try to look me in the eye or be sat at a higher level than me.

      The best psychiatrist I’ve had (and still have) opened up our first session by assuring me that whatever I said it wasn’t going to land me in involuntary confinement. Which is a very real fear.

      Reply ↓
    2. David Rose*

      honestly just listening, not being dismissive, and being willing to *try* medicinal intervention even when it seems like someone “should just” be able to change their behavior, you know? Like believe someone if they say “I’ve tried to change and nothing has stuck”? Had some bad experiences with a recent psych, hope this is helpful

      Reply ↓
      1. Deck cat*

        Yes to this. I definitely understand that I’m not the doctor and I’m going to you for your expertise and advice, especially as far as medication. But if I’m at the point of seeing you, I’m already at the point of my life being such a mess that something HAS to be done professionally and that very well may be psych meds. And me being me, yes I have already looked up stuff online—not “Dr Google” but PubMed articles, NIH research, etc. Plus the fact that I’ve lived with this brain of mine all my life and am very well aware of its pitfalls as far as mental health.

        So if I’m asking you about say, ADHD medication (AND I already have an ADHD diagnosis from a psychologist specializing in that field whose recommendations include possible ADHD medication) and I tell you about all the *recent* ways that this lifelong ADHD has messed up my life (including professionally— which affects my health insurance* and salary—two things I need to keep making appointments with your practice)…then please, please hear me out. Believe me when I tell you about the other brain meds I’ve tried, including side effects, why I felt like they maybe ultimately stopped working, etc. Believe me (and verify with my cardiologist of course) that we can monitor my heart health if we try a stimulant ADHD Rx that the cardiologist signs off on. Just basically do not brush me off please. Don’t brush off your female patients, especially if you’re male, or even if you’re female. Even female healthcare providers can fall prey to medical misogyny against their female patients and especially nowadays, it is a matter of life and death.

        *and if you dont take health insurance—which is okay, I understand why—then yeah I DEFINITELY need my salary to keep making appts with you so we need to get my ADHD under control, Doc!

        Sorry for the novel!

        Reply ↓
    3. crabbypants*

      Don’t sit at your desk with your client sitting across from you in one of those awful “guest chairs.” Makes a person feel like they’re going to their boss or the principal’s office to get scolded. Have a space in your office with comfortable easy chairs, you sit in one and your client sits in the other.

      Listen – LISTEN, really LISTEN to the person. If you want to perform a monologue, go to your local stand-up comedy place. When someone comes to you for help, shut up and LISTEN to them. By “listen,” I mean active listening – your face needs to show that you are actually hearing what they say, not just waiting for a pause so you can jump in and babble at them.

      Sorry, that sounds a bit crabby. Bet you can tell what the last MD-psychiatrist that I consulted did on my first visit. There was not a second visit.

      Reply ↓
    4. ReallyBadPerson*

      If I make a joke, and it’s an obvious attempt at humor, please do your best to at least smile. I find it so patronizing to have my every word taken seriously, as if I were a pathetic child.

      Reply ↓
    5. Wolf*

      Have tissues – I can’t be the only one who cries in sessions!

      Be open and realistic about what you can do for them – I really appreciated hearing “thing A isn’t my specialty, but we can work on XYZ, which I expect to take around 10-12 sessions”.

      Reply ↓
    6. talos*

      The one time I talked to a psychiatrist (referred by a therapist), it was for a possible prescription and nothing else. I got really frustrated that they would mention a potential medication side effect, and then not tell me _anything_ about how bad it would be or how likely it was. I get that every patient is different, but what I really really want to know is how _likely_ it is that this antidepressant will cause nausea or sleep disruption or whatever.

      Reply ↓
    7. Venus*

      I’d appreciate if you post what you’re comfortable with. A friend is transgender and looked for someone who stated they are LGBTQ+ friendly, because if a professional was willing to write it down then that made it much more likely that my friend would be welcomed.

      Same friend also recommends not complaining about other patients, not misdiagnosing and refusing to listen, and please test for side effects. I know these are obvious, but it really shows how bad their first several psychiatrists were. The basics of listening for a couple sessions before diagnosis, testing for side effects (i.e. are the liver, kidneys, and other organs losing basic function?), and not sharing inappropriate information were sadly factors in looking for someone competent.

      Reply ↓
    8. DisclosureRules*

      Be honest about what you will share with whom and under what circumstances. Discuss circumstances that might necessitate patients signing away rights to confidentiality as well as reporting requirements because most people don’t know this is a thing that can happen.

      Listen to your patients and realize some people don’t fit into standard molds and need different approaches.

      Listen to your patients if they ask you not to write down something, or be honest that you can’t promise that before the info is shared.

      Signed, someone who had no idea everything I said at age 16 and 17 would be shared with my parents even though I was no longer living with them (college) because I was still a minor and someone who was forced to sign away rights to privacy by court proceedings that didn’t seem to be related to therapy but became a requirement when the other side found out they existed – twice.

      Reply ↓
    9. bassclefchick*

      Like others said, listen. Not only to what they are saying, but what they AREN’T saying. Especially if it’s someone new to therapy or hasn’t been in a long time.

      Do NOT openly mock the person. Going to therapy can be SCARY. Yes, I went for a lifelong problem, told the therapist what I thought and he was not only very dismissive, but openly laughed at me. Not only was there NO second appointment, but I haven’t been back to therapy, even though I really should.

      Reply ↓
    10. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Address what the referral was for, dangit. And believe what they tell you.
      Family member was having trouble focusing, to the point they flunked all their classes, dropped out of school, then got fired from their job. And then another job. After MONTHS of convincing family member to seek help, primary care doctor just said it sounded like ADD but they couldn’t treat ADD and referred to a psychiatrist for an evaluation.
      Psychiatrist just said “let’s not jump to ADD, I can’t just hand out pills!” and he refused to even do an evaluation. Said he needed “evidence” that it was “significantly impacting” their life. (Is flunking out of school and getting fired twice not significant?)
      I guess he wanted to keep having them come in every three months and “monitor” the impact or something? Because past stuff wasn’t enough? UGH. Honestly anything that would come up moving forward is ALSO just going to be something the doc needs to take the patient’s word happened. Why not start believing the patient now?
      He made this family member feel like they were just looking for a prescription for meds to use recreationally.
      And at that point family member gave up on treatment and now, two years later, remains unemployed and is struggling. And now is too old for their parent’s insurance and can’t afford care at all.
      It’s just been so frustrating to watch and support this family member and their parents. I’m honestly very worried for them. This could have all gone down very differently if my family member had been helped/evaluated and hopefully treated.

      Reply ↓
  18. The Sweet One*

    It’s fine. Really. Do you have any trusted colleagues (other than your manager) that you could chat with? This isn’t in a getting permission way—you already have permission—but it will probably help with the giving yourself permission part. Chatting with your colleagues about the party and who comes will probably set your mind at ease.

    Reply ↓
    1. Ali + Nino*

      A set of cute/funny magnets; gift card to Starbucks or local coffee shop; I once brought a mini waffle iron to a white elephant and people seemed to like that!

      Reply ↓
    3. White elephant*

      If you’re new, make sure to ask what people generally do. I showed up with a nice if inexpensive gift (fancy maple syrup plus pancake mix) once, as did all the other new people, only to find the seasoned colleagues all brought gag gifts. And wouldn’t you know it, basically all of us new people ended up bringing home the gag gifts and the people who’d been there for years took home the nice gifts…

      Reply ↓
  20. AAM comment-name choices*

    AAM comment-name choices – what was the source of yours?
    Context: I’m always fascinated when I see someone reply to a comment saying that they like the user-name because it’s related to a TV or book series or other fandom. A lot of the time I haven’t realised there even was a fandom associated.
    I also love the ones calling out particularly weird or clever AAM comments or situations, but again I’m sure I’m missing some of these.

    Reply ↓
    1. Aww, coffee, no*

      And to answer my own comment – it’s a call-out to Matt Faction’s run on the Hawkeye comics. Where Hawkeye is the Marvel comic / Avengers MCU character, not the doctor from M.A.S.H.

      Reply ↓
    2. 653-CXK*

      Mine is from a Massachusetts license plate for a 1974 VW412 wagon that my father bought in 1980 and had until 1985, when he sold it to the Old Volks Home for $50.

      Reply ↓
    3. londonedit*

      I’m from London and I edit things :D

      I do keep meaning to come up with a better name, but I can’t be bothered! I love the ones that reference an AAM in joke.

      Reply ↓
    4. Name du Jour*

      I like to mix it up. It helps me feel comfortable posting as it makes it harder to identify me and if I slip up you can’t tell which other comments are mine.

      I very much appreciate this forum allows this, and I likely would not participate if it didn’t

      Reply ↓
    5. Helvetica*

      I like the font – classic, even if some consider it boring – and while I have no connection to Switzerland, I like the country too.

      Reply ↓
    6. The OG Sleepless*

      I have insomnia and I tend to post online in the middle of the night (not on AAM; I only read AAM on my desktop). I was Sleepless at first, and awhile back someone else posted as Sleepless, so I designated myself the OG Sleepless. Before that, I posted a few times as Mrs. Fenris. My husband was a big deal on an online game, and his main username was Fenris, so he referred to me as Mrs. Fenris in the game chat.

      Reply ↓
    7. My Day (they/them)*

      I like to pick a new one every so often. This one is related to a band I like, Day6, but I’ve also used some of my favorite words, sometimes post a single more personal inquiry with a related name, sometimes just a silly phrase. It’s nice to be anonymous.

      Reply ↓
  21. Forensic13*

    Any suggestions for a writing adjunct teacher looking to find a new career? I really like teaching and my career is thankfully the side gig of our family, but the volatile nature of universities crying poor and general academia bureaucracy BS is making me twitchy.

    The issue is that I’m been slowly shifting my classes over the years to minimize all the things I hate doing and prioritize the ones I like. And all the things I hate doing are the things that form the backbone of all those “teachers who want a new profession” suggestions. I’m actually very very bad at sustained organization (I’m ADHD); I have elaborate systems to put organization in place before things start, and then I have to just check all the incoming things a lot. I HATE classroom management, so I tend to do what I want, convince most students that what I want to do is actually quite fun so they’re excited to go along with it, and then annoy the others into compliance. (I swear I’m a better teacher than it may sound like; this all actually combines very well for freshmen).

    So this means that no project management, no K-12 teaching, and nothing where I have to be good at organizing events or people.

    Any suggestions?

    Reply ↓
    1. The Sweet One*

      Former teacher here. I used to teach all levels of English (truly—pre-K through PhD), along with college prep. I am now a senior business analyst.

      I had taken some tech-adjacent classes here and there (technical writing, database basics, SQL) and ultimately wound up doing a six-month boot camp for data analysis and visualization. I connected with a recruiter and landed as a project coordinator at a great company that really liked hiring new grads (I was close enough).

      It was a great fit for me—I learned fast, and the skills that I had gained as a teacher have been assets.

      Reply ↓
    2. bamcheeks*

      There are soooo many needs for teaching adults which aren’t college. I have done quite a lot of teaching leadership, management, communication skills, etc in corporate and healthcare settings. I have a friend who does freelance intercultural communication, and EDI training. You can do that from within an organisation, for a training organisation which contracts with other organisations, or as a freelancer. There is usually relatively little classroom management because everyone there is a professional who has chosen to be there, so the worst case scenario is usually “stopping the over-talkative person from taking over”.

      On the other side, I have taken corporate training on things like SEO, specific software packages, understanding statistics, pedagogy and so on, so those are also options if you are interested in them. And you can find specific niches, like “management training for doctors” or “DEI training for people working with international students”. If you can cope with technical stuff, training people on IT topics or how to use specific software packages can be *very* lucrative.

      Also, when I did corporate training, I worked with a marketing and events management team, so they set up events, marketed them, booked rooms, created registers, photocopied materials, tracked attendance etc and I just had to tailor the powerpoint to that particular group and then turn up and teach. GLORIOUS.

      But really, do not underestimate how valuable “can write a lesson plan, and make something interesting to a group of people” can be! So many opportunities outside formal education.

      Reply ↓
    3. WritersGottaWrite*

      Actual writing careers? Marketing departments, business development, and other such general company support areas don’t usually require specuslize knowledge/skills.

      Reply ↓
    4. Charlotte Lucas*

      Former adjunct Composition Instructor! I worked in corporate training for a while (did have to do customer service to get my foot in the door, but it paid better than teaching had). Then I moved into communications, and that’s what I’ve been doing ever since.

      Really helps if you have good tech skills.

      Reply ↓
  22. Writer Seeks $$$*

    Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate!

    I was just contacted on LinkedIn by a recruiter for a high-paying job with excellent benefits. Im hoping it’s not too good to be true – I have a zoom screening next week – but the tradeoff is the content of the job is probably very boring. It will also likely be less flexible than my current set up. But I’m so desperate for more money that I don’t really care (and if this panned out it would also remove the need to job search, which I loathe). I just don’t want to be blind to a potentially toxic work culture. Glassdoor etc reviews seem to veer negative (mostly people being overworked). What questions would you ask at this point in the process to make sure things are on the up and up?

    Reply ↓
  23. Tradd*

    No free Friday tomorrow. I’m the customs broker that often posts. People in our import transportation department had not been working ahead as they should have been. I got documents for approximately 20 files dumped on me today, arriving at port Sunday, that should have been sent days ago. They’ve had the documents for at least two week. They’re the customer my on-vacation coworker does (he’s back next Wednesday). He would have been able to do them before he left. I was livid and sent a scathing email off to my manager that also overseas that department. It’s gone up to the owners. My manager said he fully supported me and this is on top of the occasional issues coworker and I have been mentioning over the past month. I had enough of my own to work on Friday, but now I’ll have to work a full day on Friday and probably some over Saturday/Sunday. I am a manager and salaried (and paid accordingly for the weekend stuff I do) and so no OT. Boy, am I PEEVED. Office closed Friday so I’ll working from home (I only have the ability due to weekend stuff). At least I’ll be able to do it at home, comfy with no bra on, and plenty of breaks for FB and the like.

    Reply ↓
    1. WellRed*

      This is neither here nor there but reading your last line, I realized I’ve always read your posts thinking you’re a male. Sorry about your workload this weekend but happy you have a worthy salary.

      Reply ↓
    3. Generic Name*

      Ugh, I hate it when other people’s lack of planning means more work for me. I remember my last week at my last job one of the higher ups dumped a proposal on me 3 days before it was due….that she had sat in for 2 weeks. I, like always turned it around in time. Somewhat amusingly, the company I work for now is a client of my former company, and we just gave a request for a proposal to my old company. It’s exactly the type of proposal that she used to dump on me, but I’m not there to do it. Ha ha.

      Reply ↓
    4. Tradd*

      And I was sitting in a nice hot bath reading this morning when I got a call from our office manager, who had in turn been notified by our air freight trucking broker. An air freight shipment I had customs cleared earlier in the week arrived at destination airport (took forever to truck from first US airport to destination one) is now suddenly arrived several days early and the customs clearance isn’t showing. No clue why. I had to get out of the tub, logon, and see what happened. Had to call the airline, who in turn gave me their customs department to email. I’m due to leave for dinner in a bit more than a hour (two hour drive). There was no way to call the customs department. Email only. I am livid, but there’s nothing I can do about it. Hanging out at my desk waiting for email from airline to come through and surfing FB and AAM.

      Reply ↓
  24. Alex*

    What are some good scripts to say to someone who is telling you news about a decision they are making that you think is horrible, but without triggering their defensiveness?

    I’ve got a friend who is getting back together with an ex (they are both women), who I think treated her horribly. She completely controlled her–wouldn’t let her see her friends, tracked her whereabouts on her phone, and even installed a security camera and would watch her in the house when she was at work. I’ve heard that as a stipulation of them getting back together, she would be required to let her go through her phone and texts daily. She would also not be allowed to be in contact with any of her exes, which is a problem because like many lesbians, all of her best friends are her exes (it is a cliche for a reason!).

    My friend is not someone you can reason with. I know she will not calmly hear any of my concerns so I know better than to voice them. But what *do* I say when she tells me that they are reuniting? (It’s not official yet but I know it is coming.)

    Reply ↓
    1. Armchair Analyst*

      You could say, oh! Well please know I support you! I want to celebrate with you, do you feel like celebrating? How do you feel?

      And then let them talk and ask open-ended questions

      Reply ↓
    2. WellRed*

      Honestly this is so far beyond abusive I’d probably say “I cant support this, I’m sorry but I’m here for you.” And then I’d disengage somewhat from the friendship. Which it sounds like you won’t have much choice in the matter, any way. Sorry about your friend.

      Reply ↓
    5. PX*

      You say something bland and generic (I really like what HannahS suggested) and then mentally remember that factoid (that I’m probably remembering wrong) that it takes at least 7 attempts generally for women to leave an abusive partner, and the most important thing is to try and maintain the friendship in whatever way possible so they know you are a safe place for when they are finally ready to actually leave.

      Reply ↓
    6. KB*

      What do you want to happen, given that you cannot change their decision to reunite?

      Do you need to distance yourself, or do you want to be their safe haven? Are you their closest friend and facing the loss of that friendship, or are you just a good person who wants to be able to connect them with resources when they inevitably will need them? Are you and this friend generally candid or a bit guarded?

      What I’m suggesting is that you understand your needs and the role that you are capable of taking on given the fact that you cannot control what is happening.

      Reply ↓
    7. Venus*

      My preference is to continue the friendship but say that I don’t want to hear about any part of their relationship. I did say it once, though in that situation her partner was mean to others rather than abusive to her. I didn’t say it initially, only the next time that she brought him up, and I phrased it as wanting to discuss other topics. We rarely see each other now and when we meet up the topics focus on work and hobbies.

      Reply ↓
  25. 653-CXK*

    On the Thanksgiving Eve thread, someone had asked for the recipe for Blueberry Dump Cake, so here it is…

    Blueberry Dump Cake

    – 4 cups fresh blueberries or 2 16 oz cans blueberry pie filling
    – 1/2 cup white sugar
    – 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
    – 1 box yellow cake mix
    – 1/2 cup melted butter (or 1 stick of butter)

    Preheat the oven to 350°. Mix blueberries, cinnamon and sugar (or if using pie filling, just the blueberries and cinnamon if it has sugar already) and place in a 9″ x 13″ pan. Cover mixture with cake mix, then drizzle the melted butter (if using sticks of butter, cut them into very thin pats on the mix). Bake for 30 minutes until golden brown on the top.

    You can serve this warm with ice cream or cooled with Cool Whip.

    Reply ↓
  26. Toilet brush*

    A while ago there was a letter about what to do if you leave marks in the toilet bowl. Lots of people said to give it a rub with a toilet brush if there’s one in the stall.

    I’m confused because I wouldn’t have the materials to sanitize the brush after… is it generally accepted that in a public restroom the brush is for use without sanitization after?

    Reply ↓
    1. bamcheeks*

      There is an absolutely hardcore, never-the-twain-shall-meet split between “it is absolutely horrifying to leave marks in the toilet, how could any civilised person be so foul” people and “a brush that is covered with fecal matter and lives OUTSIDE the toilet, potentially dripping fecal water over the seat and floor, I am going to barf” people, and they will simply never understand each other.

      Reply ↓
    2. londonedit*

      Where I live, toilet brushes generally have their own holder, which usually has some water/bleach in it. What I would do is use the brush, give it a swish around in the loo water, and then return it to its holder. It’s not like the brush is just hanging around in the open air.

      Reply ↓
    3. anonymous anteater*

      Assuming the brush is only used for cleaning toilets, I don’t think it gets sanitized. If you read closely, you will see that the pros don’t sanitize the brushes either: https://alsco.com/resources/professional-bathroom-cleaning-step-by-step-guide/
      The brush’s purpose is not to bring cleanliness to the toilet. The brush is there to help the water or soapy water reach all the spots and to unstick the dirt, it performs a mechanical function. The water and potentially toilet cleaning detergent do the hygiene part. Ideally also swish the brush in the water after doing the job so it’s not visibly disgusting.

      Reply ↓
    4. Generic Name*

      I’ve never seen a toilet brush in a public bathroom stall in the US that’s meant for the general public to use (sometimes small businesses will have cleaning supplies stacked in a corner in full view, but I never assume they’re sitting out because I’m meant to be cleaning). But apparently every stall in Europe has a holder and a brush??? I happen to have a wall-mounted European style toilet in my house in the US, and it took me a while to realize that you’re supposed to be basically cleaning the toilet after each use, which I find annoying. Folks more familiar with these types of toilets, do you do a second flush after scrubbing? That’s what I end up doing, and I have a hard time understanding how this toilet saves water flushing twice all the time, even if I use the “less water” button on the second flush.

      Reply ↓
  27. Deck cat*

    LOL, what I can appreciate about the Thanksgiving tyrant letter is the signing off on dishes. I mean, do you want like, 6 bowls of potato chips and no plates, cups or flatware at the Thanksgiving potluck? Because sometimes that is how you wind up with 6 bowls of potato chips and no plates, cups, or flatware at the potluck. The whole letter is over the top but I can understand what may have driven them to that point.

    Reply ↓
  28. Taters and stuffing*

    I have two cats that are named after potatoes, Russet and Kennebec. I actually didn’t want to give them individual names, I wanted to only ever refer to them in the collective as “the potatoes”, turns out that was unreasonable since each one gets into trouble as an individual potato. Every year I try to make Thanksgiving a big deal for them because it’s the most potato-focused holiday that I know of, and every year they don’t really care that much and I suspect, behind their curious green and olive eyes, that they’re wondering why their human is trying so hard to make sure they’re having a good time on what is a pretty normal day. Anyway, that’s what I’ll be doing today, have a happy Thanksgiving everyone!

    Reply ↓
    1. WellRed*

      Funny enough, I had no idea there was a Kennebec potato. That’s a Native American tribe here and there are lots of kennebec name places as a result.

      Reply ↓
    3. Flower*

      I love this.

      Also: You need the t-shirt my husband is wearing right now. It has a giant potato on the front and says “Is Potato.” From the Stephen Colbert website.

      Reply ↓
  29. Purple Teacher*

    I need to put in notice on Monday. I could’ve done so before Thanksgiving but figured after the holiday was better.

    Tips on how to do this? I started looking because my employer is in financial trouble, my job got restructured I think, in part, to do layoffs by end of academic year. I’m sad to leave.

    Thanks for any advice!

    Reply ↓
    1. londonedit*

      I’d tell your boss in person, if possible (or at least on video call), but you don’t have to go into any more detail than you want to. If they ask you to confirm in writing for HR, all you literally need to do is say ‘I am writing to confirm that I will be leaving my position as Llama Groomer, and my last day, as agreed with Tabitha Warbleworth, will be 27/12’ – if you want to be super polite, you can add a line like ‘I would like to thank [company] for their support over the years, and wish everyone well for the future’ but you absolutely don’t have to, and you don’t have to get into any of your reasons for leaving. You literally just need to confirm that you’re resigning and confirm your last day as agreed with your boss.

      Reply ↓
  30. Resignation*

    Ask to meet with your boss, tell them you’re resigning- do not go into reasons – and hand them a short signed letter that says something like this:

    “I am resigning from my position at Conpany X effective Date.

    Sincerely,

    Employee”

    Literally that simple. If they ask if they can change your mind, just say no (unless there’s something they could offer to entice you to stay).

    Reply ↓
    2. ThatGirl*

      She really did misunderstand the assignment but I also feel like her boss should have been clearer the first time about what a good OOO email includes.

      Reply ↓
  33. Tradd*

    Nice easy gifts topic that are consumable:

    I have to put in my vote for Republic of Tea’s holiday tea assortment. It’s in a pretty box that doesn’t need to be wrapped. RoT has unbleached round tea bags with no tags that are wonderful to just drop in a mug and not have to worry about the stupid strings and tags. The box has 24 teabags of assorted flavors. About $15. You can get on Amazon or directly from RoT (where I get them). I’ve given them as gifts the last couple of years and they are a huge hit. Their Comfort and Joy holiday flavor is my favorite. It’s black tea with essentially mulling spices. Yum!

    Reply ↓
  34. Rain, Disappointing Australian*

    The turkitties! I love them, Alison. :D

    Have a holiday that is at least adequate, commentariat friends! (Family joke. Based on superstition that we don’t actually believe, that telling someone to have a happy holiday inevitably results in it NOT being that. So we go for “at least adequate” – it’s bound to get a laugh and that does tend to improve a bad day!)

    Reply ↓
  35. lurkyloo*

    Totally work/not Thanksgiving post (Happy Thanksgiving to my southerly neighbours!)

    I’m not good at concise, but I’ll try. And this is more a vent than a request for advice.
    Canadian federal worker. They recently mandated 3 days in the office (and in our department office ONLY. Going to work at other government offices will not count as ‘days in the office’), with an exception for anyone over 125 km away. I’m 130 km away and there’s a GREAT HONKING BODY OF WATER between me and there with a 1.5 hour ferry ride (total of 4.5 hours door to door). They turned me down for telework.
    OK, pivot! I have a phenomenal grandboss/Director who got me in touch with the provincial government who offered me a position. YAY! I’m supposed to start Dec. 16.
    Now there’s a ton of paperwork, because I’m essentially on ‘loan’ to the province. And my manager messed up on the questions, resulting in a need for my approval to come from 6 rungs up the ladder. Think, in US terms, that your congress persons deputy would have to sign off. And we know how fast that goes. :(
    My current, temporary telework agreement ends Dec. 31 at which time I’ll be disciplinarily fired. So this is a major cluster. And I’m stressed and sad.
    Oh and did I mention that we’re moving Dec. 12 too? Just to keep things spicy. :P

    Reply ↓
  36. are we in HS again ?*

    The strangest thing happened at work. A handful of leadership (all female) at my office decided to come into work wearing matching outfits (intentional plan)

    I couldn’t help flash back to every single mean girl clique trope ever. These are full grown adults – what the ?????

    Reply ↓
  37. Dark Macadamia*

    I’m thinking I’d like to get a watch but prefer the daintiest option possible because I’m not really that into jewelry. Small round or oval face, leather band, analog display, under $200. My ideal is basically in Mad Men when Don gives Betty a watch and says it’s so small you have to be young to read it, lol.

    Right now I’m leaning toward the Fossil Carlie Mini in blush, but I’d prefer something even smaller with the same aesthetic if I can find it. Any suggestions?

    Reply ↓

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