{ 136 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    These threads are no politics.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

    Reply ↓
  2. sarah*

    Reading thread! Say what you’re reading / ask for and give book recommendations!

    I’ve been on an Agatha Christie binge. What are your favorite more contemporary mysteries?

    Reply ↓
      1. Six Feldspar*

        I’m on a Lindsey Davis reread! Currently on The Iron Hand of Mars which might be my favourite from the Falco books.

        Reply ↓
    3. Jackalope*

      I’m reading Night Flyer by Tiya Miles. It’s a biography of Harriet Tubman and I’m really loving it. The author is honest about the bad stuff re slavery, but also about many of the good things in her life, and she tries to paint HT as a heroic ordinary person rather than a superhero. I’ve been enjoying it a lot and highly recommend it.

      I also read How to Become the Dark Lord and Die Trying by Django Wexler. It’s entertaining and made me laugh several times, while also taking itself seriously enough not to be just silly. The main character has spent hundreds of lives over and over trying to save the world and failing each time, losing to the Dark Lord. She finally decides to join the winning side and become the Dark Lord herself.

      Reply ↓
    5. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I read Scotty Bowers’s memoir, *Full Service*, about his time as an (unpaid, or so he says) pimp to the Hollywood stars from the late 1940s on. Content warning for descriptions of child sexual assault and child sex work (both in Scotty’s own history–he seems remarkably unbothered by what happened to him as a child), and for certain stars, the author gets pretty detailed about what they did and didn’t like in bed.

      It certainly was interesting, and I read it in one night. Bowers comes off as a fairly likable but very self-involved narcissist. He admits a lot of his flaws without ever seeming terribly sorry about them. At the time he wrote the book, he was 89 years old and still in demand as a bartender for Hollywood parties. He died at 96 after a long and apparently very happy life. Go figure.

      Reply ↓
    6. Tradd*

      Sue Grafton’s Alphabet series (she died before it was completed)

      Sara Paretsky’s VI Warshawsky books set in Chicago

      The Inspector Lynley series by Elizabeth George

      Reply ↓
    7. Mobie's Mom Now*

      P.J. Tracy has a couple series I really like, the Monkeewrench series set in the Twin Cities, and the Maggie Nolan series set in LA. I read the Monkeewrench series several years ago and just found the newer ones today, so that’s exciting!

      Reply ↓
    8. Bertha Rochester Likes Fire*

      I have really enjoyed the Her Royal Spyness series by Rhys Bowen. They’re set in the 1930s and are a fun little romp!

      Reply ↓
    9. Falling Diphthong*

      Donna Andrews’ bird mysteries are the ones I buy in hardcover on the release date. I enjoy both the mysteries and that she leaned into the sense of community.

      I also recommend her 4 book “You’ve Got Murder” series, with an AI sleuth.

      Reply ↓
    11. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      Took some effort to get through The Affair of the Bloodstained Tea Cosy. Great name, but just as it finally got interesting it turned farcical.

      And I finished the last Aunt Dimity book! I’m sad there aren’t any more. It’s such sweet, simple reading.

      In the DNF category were Bee Sting by Paul Murray and In the Unlikely Event by Judy Blume. Just couldn’t get into them.

      Reply ↓
    12. Spacewoman Spiff*

      I love Anthony Horowitz. If you haven’t read MAGPIE MURDERS yet, I think it might be up your alley. A Golden Age-style mystery sandwiched within a contemporary mystery.

      Reply ↓
    13. goddessoftransitory*

      Moving into the home stretch of Christmas reading: Connie Willis short story collection A Lot Like Christmas, the collection of American Christmas stories she edited (I especially love the Dorothy Parker piece about the saccharine “millionaire and golden haired child on a train” stories that appear in magazines every year, and the creepy story The Wild Wood.) Also read Arthur C Clarke’s The Star and TS Elliott’s and Langston Hughes’ Christmas poems.

      Then it’s A Christmas Carol and I should be done until January, when I finish up with Auden’s For The Time Being. It has one of my favorite lines of poetry or prose: “I don’t know why, but I’m glad I’m here.”

      Reply ↓
    15. Writerling*

      Finally getting around to continuing the Singing Hills Cycle by Nghi Vo (currently on #2), I forget how digestible quick reads they are and they’re great examples of paring down the world building and letting the reader do the work. Hoping I can read the rest before the end of the month and have those count towards my yearly book goal but TBD.

      Reply ↓
    3. Sparkly Librarian*

      My kid, who is five, has been making adorable pronouncements that make me laugh aloud.

      “Mama, can I have a hug? You know, it’s a family tradition to give kids hugs if they ask.”

      Reply ↓
      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Aw! I’m not even a kid person and I give kids hugs if they ask. (Assuming they are kids I know or their parents are at least near enough to express if they’re not ok with it.)

        Reply ↓
    4. Six Feldspar*

      It took until 1am, but I finished the Christmas decorations for my family (first gifting is today) and I’m riding the crafting high!

      I am also solemnly swearing never to knit with embroidery floss ever again…

      Reply ↓
    5. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I went to a big box store to get some emergency t-shirts, and I found one with Bessie Coleman on it and one with Maya Angelou on it!

      Reply ↓
        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Seriously! : ) I used to live in Oakland back in the ’90s, and she was prominently featured in one of the historical displays at one of the Bay Area airports — one of the great Black women aviators!

          Reply ↓
    6. Catagorical*

      I was going to miss going to visit a friend due to sudden brake warning light on my car. (Really scared me) Mechanic said it was ok to drive for a while, so got all the work done a week later.

      And then my friend decided to go pay for the repair as a gift! (A lot needed replacing, but just worn out)

      Reply ↓
    7. Le le lemon*

      I heard Duke Ellington’s Solitude on the radio, as I was driving somewhere. Mind blowing; main character moment; beautifully, beautifully orchestrated. Moody, stunning, amazing. I’m still thinking about it.

      Type ‘Solitude Neeme Jarvi & the Detroit Symphony Orchestra” into Youtube. I believe it’s an orchestration? I’m happily down a rabbit hole.

      Reply ↓
    9. goddessoftransitory*

      Peanut cat’s fur is growing back after a thyroid upset/scratching and overgrooming episode. He also loves his new self-heating mat (I ordered him another to put on the couch so he’ll move off the dining room table.)

      Reply ↓
    10. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      I’m doing the Wordles archive, and the one I just did was my start word. Hole in one! So I ran over here to post that small joy lol :D

      Reply ↓
    12. allathian*

      I work for the government in Finland and we get December 24-26 off anyway, but for 2 days of PTO I get 9 consecutive days off. Yay!

      Reply ↓
  4. 653-CXK*

    “We r undah the tri, weytin fur Sandta Klaws. Nao, not thuh gueye wif thuh whyte beerd an thuh beeg tummie, the kat hoo komz in uh raycing kur and gihvs us kitteh tois and katnip.”

    Reply ↓
  6. Six Feldspar*

    If you’ve spent a seasonal holiday in the opposite season, how did it feel?

    My story: A few years ago I got to spend Christmas in Scotland (backpacking, working at a local restaurant, owners invited me to their Christmas and to look after their cats). It was a fantastic time, everyone was lovely and I didn’t feel homesick – but it did feel very weird to have Christmas food in winter, snow on the ground, no summer fruit or cricket on in the background, etc etc. My brain was convinced this set up was not right! I thought after all the years of trying to make traditional Christmas food work in Australian summer it would be great, but it was also a trip to the uncanny valley!

    Reply ↓
    1. ThatGirl*

      We live near Chicago (so, cold Christmases) but spent a couple years in south Florida for Christmas. It’s still winter but much warmer, and it was odd to swim and go to the beach on Christmas Eve.

      Reply ↓
    2. Bluebell Brenham*

      I once spent Christmas Day on the beach in Miami. I’m not a Christmas observer but it was still a fun change.

      Reply ↓
    3. Just here for the scripts*

      New Englanders/new Yorkers here – and a few years ago , we spent Christmas in Australia! Loved the warmth of Queensland and adored Sydney, but really had a bad case of heat exhaustion / heat stroke at Uluru ( we arrived on 12/25). Keep in mind that the goal was to run away from the cold of the US northeast winter – but I never expected that!

      Reply ↓
    4. Writerling*

      Hah, I’ve had the opposite! I lived in Australia for a few years and a hot (not warm, hot) Christmas was so weird. What do you mean BBQ at the beach? Swimsuits? Where are the scarves and the gloves and the boots and oh right, no snow because it’s 40°C!

      Reply ↓
  7. SuprisinglyADHD*

    What is a really nice edition of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy?
    The only thing my brother asked for Christmas is a nice bookshelf-worthy but also reading-friendly set of the three. I’m looking for Hardcover and NOT with the movie artwork. Does anyone know/have a really nice edition that I can search for?

    Reply ↓
    1. Catagorical*

      Not specifically, but Tolkien himself did some super charming illustrations and I wonder if you could search for editions with the author’s own artwork.

      Reply ↓
      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        There are a couple of really nice Tolkien illustrated versions on Amazon – the only thing that would give me pause about the hardcover versions is that I think most of them are a single volume omnibus, which looks lovely but does not (IMO) lend itself well to reading, because it’s a monstrous doorstop of a book to contain all three volumes.

        Reply ↓
        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          The Juniper sets are gorgeous, but quite spendy, depending on your budget. Then on the other hand, for real portability combined with cost-effectiveness, there’s a hard bound pocket size set that looks quite nice (albeit small) for $35, at which point you can also include a magnifier or a nice set of reading glasses :)

          Reply ↓
    2. Lissajous*

      My mum got me a Folio Society set for Christmas when I was 10; 30 years later I still have them, and they are still beautiful (and read several times!).

      They’d probably be postal order though, so your timing may not work.

      Reply ↓
    3. Missa Brevis*

      If it’s in your budget, Folio Society books are absolutely gorgeous and also very readable! Every single detail is well-considered in terms of both the visual design and the construction. My FS copy of Black Beauty is one of my prized possessions.

      Reply ↓
  8. Le le lemon*

    Solo time/holiday food delights

    I get to spend Christmas morning by myself; joyous. I’m thinking about what I can bake/eat that’ll just be a delicious start to the day. I forsee mango (and maybe fruit salad), perhaps a little sweet baked treat. Just something nice for myself.

    What would you eat? What are your treats in moments of solitude? Or when you’ve snuck away from the family to go on that errand/walk?

    Reply ↓
    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My happy just-me snack is a plate of sliced smoked sausage and cheddar cheese with those flipside pretzel-y crackers.

      Reply ↓
    2. Not A Manager*

      I’m not big on sweets in the morning, but if I were looking for a sweet treat I’d make cinnamon rolls.

      The New York Times cooking section has a recipe for Croque-Monsieur Breakfast Casserole that’s meant to serve 6-8 people. I think you could easily halve it and make it in a smaller pan for one person to enjoy for a day or two. If you make it, read the community notes, or if you’re interested I’ll post my own notes as a comment. The nice thing is you prep it the night before, cover it in the fridge, and then bake it in the morning.

      Reply ↓
      2. Not A Manager*

        Well, that’s enough encouragement for me! My notes are:

        * Use sliced bakery bread instead of a baguette. Trim the top and sides to fit vertically in your pan.
        * Use liberal butter and mustard. The mustard makes the recipe.
        * Place the bread vertically and loosely in your pan, then sandwich the ham between the bread slices. Use very thin sliced ham, preferably slightly sweet.
        * Sprinkle some of the gruyere between the bread slices as well, saving some for the top.
        * After you pour the custard over, gently press the bread down to submerge it. The recipe does not call for added salt, but you could add a little bit. Also a small grating of nutmeg.
        * Sprinkle the remaining gruyere over the top. I omit the parmesan. You could use a bit more gruyere if you want.
        * Bring to room temp before baking, OR plan for extra baking time.
        * Definitely serve with cornichons.

        Reply ↓
    3. Jay*

      French toast made with Portuguese sweet bread!
      Maybe paired with a couple of scrambled eggs with cottage cheese mixed in, topped with salt, pepper, and plenty of chives.

      Reply ↓
    4. DJ Abbott*

      Every morning I make myself breakfast sandwiches with toast, sunflower, butter, and shredded chicken. It’s my favorite meal. Yum!

      Reply ↓
    5. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Smoked salmon and cream cheese – ideally on a bagel, but really, it’s just the vehicle for the first two. Capers make it extra fancy!
      This year we’re getting some bake-at-home croissants to eat with fancy butter and jam.

      Reply ↓
    8. Jackalope*

      Not super fancy, but my treat for holidays is mashed potatoes. I’ve always loved mashed potatoes, but I don’t make them a ton for various reasons. So for holiday meals I make sure they’re included. Fun fact: for one of my birthdays in high school, my best friend made me mashed potatoes for my birthday party. So everyone else got to have cake (which I personally have never liked, but I was fine with everyone else eating it), and I got the potatoes! It remains one of the sweetest things a friend did for me back then.

      Reply ↓
  9. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    My spouse and I just played a fun little video game this week called Never Alone. It’s a 2-person puzzle game based on an Inupiaq legend, where one person plays a little girl and the other person plays her friend the fox. The graphics were beautiful and we had a lot of fun figuring things out together. The only thing I didn’t like was that the controllers weren’t always as sensitive as I needed them to be. Note that you can play solo but my spouse tried and said it wasn’t nearly as much fun. Both characters have individual abilities and they have to rely on each other, which means that if you play solo you have to switch back and forth. From what I saw playing together, that would probably happen several times per scene. But as a duo we had a wonderful time.

    Reply ↓
    1. AnReAr*

      I’ve played that one! To note for others, it’s also narrated by actual Inupiaq storytellers in their language (with subtitles for us who don’t understand the language). It’s a great game, and actually made by the tribe. There’s also lots of bonus content in the form of informational videos on the culture from the people who made the game, including the storytellers.

      Currently I’ve been switching between Fae Farm, Palia, and Planet Crafter since I’m off work until the new year for the holidays. The first two are fantasy life sims with non binary character creation, queer friendliness, and Palia is actually an MMO with a lovely player base. Planet Crafter is a resource crafter where you survive and terraform a planet from its surface (think Subnautica, on an initially unliveable planet with no life).

      Reply ↓
    2. Shiara*

      I’m back on a Seven Kingdoms Princess Problem kick. It’s a fun visual novel that involves seven kingdoms each sending seven delegates for diplomacy and marriage alliances, and you play as a delegate from one of six possible backgrounds. The arc of the summit is roughly the same each playthrough but there’s personal background quests and different friendship and romance paths that can affect things.

      It’s in early access at this point, and has been in development for almost a decade. The sole author didn’t quite anticipate just how big and branching all her starting choices were going to make the game.

      Reply ↓
  10. RMNPgirl*

    How to start liking coffee?

    I’ve never like the taste of coffee, I love the smell but can’t stand the taste. Even in things like coffee ice cream. So this might end up being a moot question. But, I would like to develop a taste if possible. Mainly because I see so many flavor profiles people create with coffee that I would like without the underlying coffee taste. So I was hoping there would be way to get myself to like it so I could enjoy those drinks. There are just so many more options if you like coffee. I currently drink tea which I love but it is a bit limiting.

    Any suggestions are welcome!

    Reply ↓
    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Maybe you could try a coffee-flavored candy like Hopjes and see if that’s a way in?

      Reply ↓
    2. Tradd*

      Coffee straight is too bitter for me, so cream/milk and sugar. The way I drink my tea. I have plebian tastes in coffee. I’m quite happy with McD’s coffee. It’s cheap and readily available. I don’t make coffee at home. All tea here.

      Reply ↓
    3. Clara Bowe*

      It might be worth it to try a cold brew latte? I hate the acidity of coffee – it compounds the unpleasant bitterness for me – but cold brew reduces that by a large margin. Also Morgan Eckroth on YouTube has a bunch of “how to up your coffee game” or coffees drinks for people who don’t like coffee.

      Reply ↓
    4. Missa Brevis*

      I’d starting by figuring out exactly what about coffee taste you don’t like. For me, it’s the bitterness that I can’t stand, so I can tolerate some cold brew or coffee ice cream. Some folks hate the ‘burnt’ flavor, and would be better off trying lighter roasts of coffee. Different solutions for different problems.

      Reply ↓
    5. BRR*

      Coffee lover here. Is there something specific about the taste you don’t like? There are some light roasts out there that taste like a coffee/tea hybrid. They might be a good place to start getting your palette used to the taste.

      Reply ↓
        1. BRR*

          The coffees that are less bitter are usually served at local roasters (vs Starbucks). They’re light roasts and you’d want to see it being described as having less body.

          Reply ↓
    6. JSPA*

      Depends if what you hate is the bitterness (you may be an extreme bitter taster, for example, in which case, there’s a long list of “mildly” bitter foods and drinks that may simply never work for you, or not until you’re old enough that your bitter tastebuds get a bit blunted.

      But if you’ve mostly tried supermarket or starbucks (both tending to bitterness) and if the coffee ice cream was a premium sort that’s very coffee-forward, I suppose there’s hope.

      A dark roast is more toasty and rich, and less bright with coffee berry acidity. But a really burnt roast is bitter from the over-roasting. Soooo… Don’t do starbucks, nor mass market. Do try half a shot of dark roast espresso in a lot of warm milk or almond milk, or a few spoons of pour-over or cold brew in cold milk? Or dip the edge of a sugar cube in someone else’s espresso, and let the shudder of the bitter be soothed by the sweetness. That’s how we got a few drops of coffee, as kids.

      Reply ↓
    7. Rick Tq*

      +1 on going to a local coffee shop and talking to a barista about lighter blends. Starbucks’ blends and roasts are on the strong side so not a good place to start.

      Reply ↓
    8. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I like coffee but, controversial opinion, there’s waaay too much pressure to drink coffee. You can be proud to drink your hot cocoa or tea or lemonade or whatever it is you like. People get weirdly offended when someone says they don’t drink coffee, I hate the aggression when they start telling someone they just haven’t had the RIGHT coffee, you need to have it THIS way with their MAGICAL method/ingredients/beans/whatever. On top of that, people get soooo offended if you so much as IMPLY that caffeine is a factor to their “coffee addiction”
      If you’re after the flavor profiles people talk about, lots of other drinks can have the same flavors.
      With regards to finding a way to enjoy coffee, it’s like chocolate in that it needs sugar and cream to negate the inherent bitterness. Milk, half and half, flavored creamers, or non-dairy creamer are all helpful, plus you can dump an inordinate amount of sugar in (be aware, flavored syrups or creamers also add sugar). You can try different types of coffee from cafes, delis, coffee shops, etc.
      whether they’re self-serve from pre-brewed pots or specialty drinks from baristas.

      Reply ↓
    9. Chaordic One*

      When I was a child my grandmother drank her coffee with Carnation brand or Sego brand sweetened condensed milk AND sugar! When I stayed with her she would serve it me like that and she told me it was “vacation coffee.” I used to like to dunk my breakfast toast in it.

      You might add in some flavored syrups. When I worked as a barista at a bookstore we used Torani brand syrups and there were a whole bunch of different flavors. I liked the chocolate flavored ones, but there were many more including amaretto and various fruit flavors. You can find some of the syrups in most supermarkets. For some reason I never cared for flavored coffees, but I like their smell. If you find one you like, go with it.

      Do try to stick some of the lighter and milder roast coffees. Frequently they’ll be labeled as “blonde” roast. “Breakfast” roasts and blends run on the mild side. Finally, if you just want something other than tea you might also consider coffee substitutes such as “Postum” or “Pero.” I used to buy an herbal tea that had a coffee-like taste to it that came from India, but none of my local stores carry it anymore and I can’t remember the name of it.

      Reply ↓
    10. Jay*

      It’s a bit out of left field, but you could try something like Greek or Arabic/Turkish coffee, made on the stove top. I found a Turkish with cardamom spice in it. It’s fantastic and has a decidedly hot-chocolate vibe to it. It’s hard to explain, and it might be that I make it in one of those chocolate melting pots, but it’s true. It’s also fantastic, especially with milk and sugar, or a sweetened coffee creamer.

      Reply ↓
    11. A Cataloger*

      I also hate coffee, but love the idea of all the lovely flavors. I’ve found that most coffee places will do a steamer or hot chocolate or hot white chocolate with the same flavor profiles as their fancy coffees.

      Reply ↓
    12. HannahS*

      I am also a tea drinker who dislikes the taste of coffee, even in desserts. The only time I ever had a cup of coffee that I enjoyed, it was a medium-roast with milk and sugar. I found the lighter roast made it taste a bit more like tea. Most coffee tastes acrid and burnt to me, and the style in North American tends to be quite dark. I learned from someone who owns a coffee farm in South America that the style there is for lighter roasts, which I preferred.

      The other thing is, you might consider getting into higher quality loose leaf tea. It has nuances of flavour that are more like wine, rather than the mass-market tea that most people drink (including me, quite happily) which is low quality and meant to be dressed up with milk and sugar. I’ve enjoyed watching Jesse’s tea house on Youtube for a bit of an introduction.

      Reply ↓
    13. Brevity*

      This may sound weird, but it works: try salt. A tiny bit of regular table salt in a cup of coffee smooths it out and takes care of some of the bitterness. I think I originally read this in the food section of the Washington Post.

      Reply ↓
      1. allathian*

        I’m in Finland, and my paternal grandpa used to put salt in his coffee. He grew up on the coast, and used to drink coffee made with brackish Baltic Sea water as a kid. I wouldn’t recommend drinking that now, the Baltic Sea’s very polluted.

        Reply ↓
    14. WoodswomanWrites*

      “I’ve never like the taste of coffee, I love the smell but can’t stand the taste. Even in things like coffee ice cream.”

      Are you me? Because I’ve shared the exact same things with people I know. I have no suggestions because I’m happy with avoiding the stuff but I couldn’t help responding since our reactions are identical. My response when people ask: “I’ve learned to love and understand the coffee drinkers in my life.”

      Reply ↓
    15. talos*

      Honestly, my way in was the stupid sugary syrupy lattes at the coffee shop, then getting less and less sweet drinks until I had arrived at espresso.

      Reply ↓
  11. Life Resets At 65*

    What is it like restarting your love life after 65? I’m happy being single and haven’t dated in over 40 years. It looks like someone is interested in me and he seems really nice, but I’m not sure if we have enough in common. Would common values balance out an athletic activity mismatch? He’s very active in sports and I’m not, and I don’t see that changing.

    Have you started a romance after 65 and how did it work out?

    Reply ↓
    1. Pentapus*

      I guess I don’t see what the importance of the sports thing is– it’s a hobby that you don’t share. Maybe your hobby is quilting or reading. If the hobby is important enough that it’s a deal breaker for one of you, that’ll become apparent soon enough, but you don’t need to share all the hobbies to have a relationship. I can’t comment on the over 65 part, but good luck however it goes.

      Reply ↓
    2. Not A Manager*

      He’s interested and you’re interested. This isn’t the time to be gaming out whether you’ll actually make a match. This is the time to enjoy each other and explore.

      If the sports are a deal-breaker for anyone, you’ll find out, but it’s more likely that each of you will accept that the other has their own interests and hobbies.

      Reply ↓
      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I echo this. A good friend of mine has been divorced for many years. She met her new partner at 66. At 67, they have moved in together. He is a wonderful man and I am really happy for both of them.

        She and I know each other because we are both outdoor-oriented people who hike together. He’s not a hiker and not particularly athletic but that’s not an issue because what matters is that they share a world view, enjoy each other’s company, have other common interests, etc.

        I hope you’ll take the time to get to know this man who is interested in you. When I was dating both when younger and older, my criteria were simple–did I have a good time and did I want to see them again? If you can look at your connection with a comparable lens, that can remove a lot of pressure for what might develop over time.

        Enjoy this time, and good luck!

        Reply ↓
    3. But what to call me?*

      It seems to me like the main thing you need to figure out is whether you enjoy spending time together, rather than whether you have major hobbies in common. Do you have fun and interesting things to talk about? Are there things you like to do together (presumably not sports)? Are you compatible as far as how much time you like to spend together vs. apart, and does that amount fit well with however much of that time apart is required for his sports? Relatedly, is he fine with sports-time being apart-time, or is he thinking he’s going to convince you to get involved in sports you don’t want to do?

      I’d think some low-stakes dates, whether the traditional restaurant kind or doing some other activity that sounds fun, would help you both start figuring those things out. If doing things with him is fun, keep doing it! If not, maybe it’s worth another try with a different activity or maybe you’re just not very compatible with each other. On the other hand, if you’re already pretty sure upfront that he’s a nice guy but not one you’d enjoy spending time with then even easy dates might not be worth the trouble.

      Reply ↓
  12. SuprisinglyADHD*

    Was there ever any merchandise made for The Christmas Chronicles (2019)? My mom has a crush on Kurt Russel and collects Santa figurines, dolls, statues, pictures, you name it! I can’t find any sort of Kurt Russel Santa stuff besides replicas of his outfit (which is wonderful but not something she would want).
    Alternatively, she would love a real, soft, warm Santa hat with a nice lining and velvety feel. All I’ve been able to find for years are lightweight, scratchy, novelty hats.
    (Sorry for the multiple posts, my whole family is waaay late on our Christmas shopping)

    Reply ↓
  13. Scorpion singer*

    I’m looking for advice on friendship. There’s a coworker who I chat with daily who is a few decades older than me (I’m late 20s, she’s early 50s), and I want to take the next step in deepening our friendship. I’ve asked her to hang out outside of work twice in the last few months (getting coffee after work, going for a weekend hike), and both times she has enthusiastically accepted and we’ve had a lovely time! Although I’m getting lots of clear positive signals that she enjoys spending time with me, she hasn’t done any of the asking to hang out and I worry that maybe she doesn’t actually like my company because she doesn’t propose anything. But she is also pretty shy (and has described herself as such), so that may be part of her hesitation. Any advice for deepening the friendship while making sure it’s something we both want?

    Reply ↓
    1. Manders*

      Some people (like me) are very bad at planning stuff, but enthusiastic about doing things. I almost never turn down an offer to do things like coffee or hiking, but for whatever reason am terrible at doing the inviting. Don’t take it personally! Keep asking. Eventually she’ll reciprocate (probably).

      Reply ↓
    2. But what to call me?*

      I would definitely be the friend who is delighted to do things with you but takes a very long time to reciprocate by inviting you to do something with me. I’m also shy, inexperienced with socializing, and would be half-convinced I was imposing on you or pressuring you into doing something you don’t want to do by suggesting we go do a thing. If your friend is anything like me, she might just not be confident enough yet that you’ll continue to like doing things with her to be sure she’s not bothering you by asking you to do things (especially if she happens to be neurodivergent, although someone who is neurotypical but shy could have the same problem). Alternatively, she might just not be good at thinking of activities to share, or she might have a lot going on that makes it hard to take the initiative to do fun activities but enjoys fitting them in when you suggest them. Since you’re getting clear positive signals that she enjoys spending time with you, I’d say it’s probably one of those explanations rather than not liking your company. Nothing’s stopping her from declining if she didn’t want to get coffee or go for a weekend hike with you, after all.

      Reply ↓
    3. But what to call me?*

      I think the site ate my comment, but the gist of it was that some people (like me) tend to think we’re imposing by inviting someone to do something with us even though we really enjoy that person’s company and have every reason to believe they enjoy ours. If she’s shy, she might just not be confident about asking you yet. Alternatively, she might not be good at thinking of activities to share but is happy to do the ones you come up with. Since you’re getting clear positive signals that she enjoys spending time with you (including the fact that she continues to do so, when she could as easily decline your invitations), I’d say shyness and/or difficulty thinking of activities are much more likely explanations than that she doesn’t like your company.

      Reply ↓
    4. Not your typical admin*

      With my BFF I’m the asker/planner of events. Part of it is our personalities. I love hosting, and want to plan events months out. She’s more last minute, spur of the moment person. She actually likes me planning things. Some people actually like other people planning things so I wouldn’t worry about it.

      Reply ↓
  14. Anon Poster*

    Anyone have particularly strong feelings about over-the-ear noise canceling headphones? I’m looking to get a pair, but I don’t know how to choose a brand! I care most about comfort and battery life. I don’t anticipate using the noise canceling all that often, mostly just on planes. I obviously want them to sound good, but “good” is relative and I’m easy to please there. I would use them often while walking, so I’m looking for something that stays put without having to fuss with it too much. If you have brands you love or brands you hate, I’m all ears!

    Reply ↓
    1. Rick Tq*

      I have a pair of JBL on-the ear headphones and my employer coughed up for Bose over the ear ones too. Both work well but I wouldn’t wear them outdoors for walking, the bone-conduction units that leave your ears free so you can hear oncoming cars, etc. make more sense. The Aeroshox models are weather-resistant or fully waterproof too.

      Reply ↓
      1. Owlette*

        I love my Bose headphones and they have an ‘aware’ feature I use when walking vs noise cancelling when at home. Battery life is excellent and very comfortable

        Reply ↓
    2. Jay*

      I have a nice pair of Sony ones that have three (I think) levels of noise canceling (from none to full). The audio quality is very nice and I get to decide how quiet and isolating I need them to be, depending on what I’m doing.

      Reply ↓
    3. David*

      I have the Sony WF-1000XM5, which I bought on the basis of almost every review site I looked at ranking it in the top tier of over-ear wireless headphones, and I do believe it lives up to the hype. Not that I’ve compared a bunch of different models, it’s just that I’m very satisfied with what I got. I would definitely recommend it; in fact, I’m getting my sister a pair for Christmas.

      If that model is too expensive or not quite what you’re looking for, well, I’ve been using Sony headphones for a long time and they’ve always been fantastic, so I think you’d probably have a good experience with anything by Sony. (and if price is the only issue, check out the WF-1000XM4, the previous model, which is cheaper since it’s no longer top-of-the-line but would still serve you very well)

      Reply ↓
  16. NumberOneGrinch*

    I am determined to get holiday gift exchange with my siblings under control for 2025.

    Older Sibling has a spouse and 3 kids (aged 3-7). Younger Sibling has no kids and a serious boyfriend. I am single and childfree. Siblings enjoy gift exchanges, I despise it. Siblings used to spend ~$75 on each other before kids and spouses came along. It got so bad like to a point where i was spending $75/each on everyone including kids. It’s not like they cheap out- but then I end up with a bunch of stuff I don’t really want- because they refuse to give gift cards also.

    I have no idea how to make this whole thing fair and not end up with a bunch of stuff I don’t need. I tried to do a $30 limit but then realized my siblings maybe feel weird because I have to buy more for their families than they buy for me. My siblings won’t agree to ‘no adult gift, just kids’. The gifts aren’t cost prohibitive- we are all successful adults who can afford to buy whatever we need and more. I hate buying things just to buy them so this whole process not only stresses me out but makes me feel icky.

    All that being said, I’m tired of stressing out over what to spend on gifts that don’t matter and I want to set some boundaries for next year- now. Given the imbalance of persons on both sides, how should I approach this? Determine a total spend per family- if so, what is fair for that? I also accept that I may not get their buy in but I’m prepared to say the current situation isn’t working for me and if they don’t want to have a discussion about it, I will be spending/gifting X to Y, not to Z, etc for next year.

    Reply ↓
    1. Aphrodite*

      I stopped all gift exchanges about four or five years ago, either just before Covid or during that first year. Around April or May I simply sent an email to family–my close friends and I have never done gifts–that told them I was opting out of all gifting for everyone, that there was nothing wrong but that I no longer wanted to do it.

      Now, it’s important to know that growing up we never got gifts from aunts and uncles or gave gifts to nieces and nephews. Before I, the first grandchild, was born, my parents and their siblings made that decision, that gifts would only be from one’s family and grandparents. So it was a shock to me to discover, as an adult, how many people like you do give gifts to family members outside the immediate family.

      Nevertheless, when I informed everyone way ahead of time that I no longer wanted to exchange gifts and please, please do not get me anything, it did not go over well with three of my four siblings. (Two had children but their parents followed my parents’ practice so that was not an issue.) But I stuck to my position. And it has turned out so well. There was grumbling and maybe some drama I never saw but that first “giftless” Christmas was wonderful! And it has been ever since.

      Reply ↓
    2. Anon Poster*

      Can you just opt out of the adult gift portion? My siblings and I (and their spouses) do a name draw so we each just buy for one adult. One sibling and their spouse opted out several years ago. They buy nothing for us, we buy nothing for them, and no one’s feelings are hurt. All families are different, would yours react reasonably to you saying that you are no longer buying gifts for adults, and you would also like to stop receiving gifts from adults? You’re not stopping them from continuing to buy for each other, so they can keep spending and receiving to their hearts’ delight.

      Reply ↓
      1. NumberOneGrinch*

        I think the issue here is that with kids involved, Older Sibling wants me to buy her kids gifts and I think would feel bad if I got nothing after that. I guess she could just ‘give’ me gifts from her kids- which I’d honestly be totally fine with if I could get to spending $50-75 total on kids and her ‘kids’ could gift me something of a similar amount.

        Siblings will definitely be unhappy but this feels like a fair boundary to draw for everyone involved. I also should add my mom still gives us way more gifts than anyone in their 30s should be receiving so it’s not like we have nothing to open if we don’t exchange between siblings.

        Reply ↓
    3. EA*

      I had this with my family! Solved it by moving faraway haha, and I married into an “only kids get gifts” family, which is perfect for me.

      If money isn’t tight and it’s more about the mental load (I feel you there!!), then setting spending limits seems like it won’t solve the issue. Also, you really can’t control what you get. So I’d focus on making your gift buying easier.

      A few possible suggestions:
      1. Just start giving gift cards. Set the family trend. As a kid, I loved my aunt who was “lazy” about gift giving and gave us an annual iTunes giftcard. Yeah, people might talk at first, but they will also get a useful giftcard!
      2. Start requesting that everyone make specific wish lists on Amazon or using something like Elfster. This honestly helps so much – and you might even get more stuff that you actually want if you do a list.
      3. As you suggested, just state what you’re going to do. Just make sure to say it from your POV – “Gift giving around Christmas stresses ME out, so next year I am planning to do X”

      Reply ↓
      1. office hobbit*

        Agreed on making the gift buying easier! If gift cards feel too sad, what about food gifts for the adults? A box of chocolates, something like Harry and Davids goodies, local coffee, quality spices for people who cook, etc.

        Reply ↓
    4. HannahS*

      I think I’d identify what bothers you the most. If it’s the headache and stress but not the money, I’d suggest:
      -75$ gift card to a crowd-pleasing restaurant or HomeGoods for each couple
      -$20 gift card to Toys R Us or a bookstore chain for each child
      And then do that, every year, forever, until the kids are teenagers and want Amazon gift cards, then do that instead.

      If your unhappiness is mushier (it’s not the money but it sort of is; it’s not about the number of people but actually it kind of does feel unfair; actually you would like to drop out of the gift exchange altogether and instead literally go for a hike on Christmas day instead) then it’s worth maybe having a larger conversation with yourself (and then the fam) about how you actually want to spend your time and energy.

      Reply ↓
    5. Sloanicota*

      I could not get my family to budge – they love gifts and everybody sitting around opening gifts is their main Christmas day activity – but some years I have gotten us to agree to Bookmas, where the only acceptable gift is books, and this made my shopping load much more pleasant as I went to the local bookshop and walked out with all gifts in one trip. And felt good spending my money there.

      Reply ↓
    6. Owlette*

      This doesn’t address all of your concerns, but for the not wanting stuff part, could you request ‘experiences’ or memberships instead? For our wedding my friends got us a caving tour and now for the kids I ask for zoo memberships from my parents and I gift my brother sport lessons. Maybe a happy medium between gift cards and gifts?

      Reply ↓
    7. Elfster McElf Face*

      My husband’s family does Elfster with a limit. It’s always felt weird to me to give people a list, but it works well for them. It automatically assigns a person in a “secret Santa” style of thing, so one person gives one person a gift. And the wishlist feature is helpful so you know what the other person might want.

      Reply ↓
  17. Pentapus*

    Who else finds receiving gifts disappointing? I know people mean well, but so many gifts just miss the mark. I almost always find gift giving occasions a little sad-making. Anyone else?

    Reply ↓
    1. Sloanicota*

      Yes, as an adult it really is more rewarding to give (especially to the kids) than receive, but I also treat myself to a gift or two this time of year and do get pleasure from that.

      Reply ↓
    2. Double A*

      I’ve actually come to like both getting and giving gifts more as I get older.

      I spend so much time and effort taking care of other people that I really appreciate any gifts people give me that show they were thinking of me. That’s what people mean by “It’s the thought that counts.” It’s also exciting for me to get something that I didn’t have to think about, because I’m responsible for so many logistics in my life that it’s nice to have someone take a little of the mental load from me and just pick something for me. But I’m also not that particular.

      Reply ↓
    3. Dark Macadamia*

      Yeah, it’s a bit of a letdown. I really do not want stuff I don’t want (lol… obviously) but just sharing a list and knowing what I’m going to get isn’t fun either. Some of my in-laws and I tried giving donations to charity one year and we were all like yeah, that felt weird (to like, direct someone else’s donations and call it a gift to you). I really miss that kid feeling of not knowing what I’d get and then being pleasantly surprised by something really great. I think for me a lot of it is that my mom was an awesome gift giver and after she died (when I was an adult) no one else has really hit the mark as consistently as she did.

      Reply ↓
    4. allathian*

      I do, to the point that my family decided to quit swapping gifts between adults. Most of us also find shopping stressful, and the joy of getting gifts, no matter how well-chosen never seened to compensate for the stress of buying them for others. Swapping wish lists wasn’t very satisfactory either.

      We have too much stuff as it is.

      Reply ↓
    5. Peregrine*

      My partner and I give each other lists so there’s not disappointment or money waste. I dislike the monetary waste most—a relative spends a few hundred every year giving us non-returnable food items we don’t want. We could actually use the money! (Yes, we’ve told her—doesn’t work.)

      Reply ↓
  18. Liminality*

    Hoping for suggestions on sleep eating. As in a ‘how-to’.

    I’m taking a medication. Won’t say what for as it’s not about medical advice. But I’m supposed to take it with food. Taking on an empty stomach so far has resulted in mild/moderate digestive annoyances.
    First dose is fairly early in the morning and I set an alarm to wake up and take it. On weekdays I get up around that time anyway for work, but on weekends I’d much rather take the meds and fall right back asleep. What kind of food will be alright at room temp by my bedside overnight that Also is simple / easy enough to eat that it doesn’t end with me too awake to fall back asleep? Thanks!

    Reply ↓
    4. Not A Manager*

      How much food are you supposed to eat? Usually that just means literally not an empty stomach. I’d have some crackers and a glass of water.

      Reply ↓
  19. Nicki Name*

    I just came across a book review that made me think of AAM, and not because it had anything to do with office life. I’ll put the link in a reply, but it’s for Do I Know You?, an autobiographical book from an author with a bunch of neural oddities.

    She’s aphantasic, which made me think of the threads here about aphantasia, and also has no depth perception, which got me thinking of the LW who started off asking how she could tell her colleagues she was just a total klutz and eventually learned that something about her spatial processing was messed up.

    Reply ↓
  20. Heffalump*

    I was thinking about this joke I heard years ago. It was originally about Brezhnev, but I’ll update it:

    Putin walks out on the balcony at the Kremlin in the morning and says, “Good morning, sun.”

    The sun says, “Good morning, President Putin.”

    In the afternoon, Putin walks out on the balcony again and says, “Good afternoon, sun.”

    The sun says, “Good afternoon, President Putin.”

    As the sun is starting to set, Putin walks out on the balcony and says, “Goodnight, sun.” This time, no response from the sun. Putin says, “Sun, why don’t you say goodnight to me?”

    The sun says, “Fuck you, I’m in the West now.”

    Reply ↓
  21. Not your typical admin*

    Let’s make a list for the best white elephant gift ideas. We were at one tonight and here were the things that were a hit:

    1. Buckee’s tumbler cups. We had one open up near us so these were a big hit, and got stolen a few times.
    2. Hand warmers. This was the gift I wound up with. It’s a little device you change that heats up for you to hold so your hands don’t get cold. I naturally have cold hands so I’m very excited to try this out.

    Reply ↓

Leave a Comment

Before you comment: Please be kind, stay on-topic, and follow the site's commenting rules.
You can report an ad, tech, or typo issue here.

Subscribe to all comments on this post by RSS