new employee isn’t cut out for the job, former boss blasts his music, and more

by Alison Green on October 16, 2024

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Telling a new employee he’s not cut out for the job

I began managing a new team last month. The team is very green — over half graduated less than two years ago. In the last two years, this department only had a manager for nine months, and by all accounts she was completely unqualified. I was brought in as an experience manager to provide technical oversight / development.

My field is one where you get a pretty generalized degree, and then choose a specialty that you receive on the job training for. It’s pretty easy to change specialties for early career folks.

One of my new direct reports, Tom, has … zero to negative natural talent for his chosen specialty. I know it’s pretty harsh to say that about someone I just began working with, especially one who has not received adequate training. But I have worked with a lot of early career people in this specialty, and he stands out as one of the worst of all time. Past interns have grasped core concepts and tools more quickly.

I’m not saying he’s not smart! He is! I can see ways he would be a great fit for other specialties, including available jobs within our company. But the more I talk through tasks with him, the more I realize that his brain is just not wired to understand this particular job. It’s like trying to explain to him that an apple and a snake are nothing alike … over and over again, with diagrams, while he grows increasingly agitated that I don’t understand they’re both smooth-skinned and therefor interchangeable. (He definitely has a touch of “defensive know-it-all-ism.”)

On the one hand, I just want to spare him. I can tell he’s really frustrated and burned out, working 10 times harder than he should have to on basic tasks. His teammates are thin on patience and try every trick to avoid being paired up with him. His peers in other departments don’t trust his advice and constantly find ways to circumvent him. I think it’s a disservice to lay out a training plan and have both of us invest significant effort into improvements that are unlikely to ever materialize, when the gap is so fundamental. On the other hand, I have no idea how to look an exhausted and low-confidence young man in the eyes and say, “You’re not going to make it here, why don’t I help you find a different job you’re a better fit for?” Especially since I suspect he will be so reluctant to “fail” that he will just double down on learning this job, now dragged down by the knowledge his manager doesn’t believe in him. What would you do?

Whether or not you can do this depends on whether your company’s internal policies will let you, but I’m a big fan of just having a really honest conversation along the lines of, “Here’s what I’m seeing. Your strengths are X but this job requires Y. In my experience, it’s very hard to move from where you are to where you need to be in the amount of time we have available, and I would recommend we instead think about other roles in the company that would be a better fit. If you don’t want to do that, the next step would be a formal improvement plan, which would mean ___. If you choose that path, I’ll try my best to help you succeed, but I want to be up-front about the concerns I have and the path I think would play more to your strengths in the long run.”

Related:
alternatives to firing

2. Off-site activity excluded me even though my boss knew about my disability

I am just home from a week of travel for work abroad, meeting both my own team and agency partners I work with.

The final evening of our trip was a secret planned event. As a disabled person (I have MS and have functional limitations in my leg muscles and use a cane), “secret” is not my favorite!

Ahead of traveling, I had a 1×1 over the phone with my boss (we live in different countries, but have met several times) to remind him that I’m not able for a lot of physically activity, have difficulty with stairs, etc. so will need to, for example, take direct taxis instead of trams. He said of course and all was positive.

The final evening arrived, we were given a location to meet at, and when I turned up, it was a boat. With 10-12 steps to get to the dock, and then a ladder to get down into the boat. And while I may have awkwardly made it in, there was zero chance of me getting out of that boat with any dignity.

So I excused myself. And it was mortifying. The boss tried to convince me to go, got the organizer to try and find another boat, asked the driver if he could help (he offered to help lift me, which was so much worse). This went on for 15 minutes while my entire 25-person team looked on with pity, and I was overwhelmed with embarrassment. I put all my effort in to convincing them all I was fine on my own and they should go just so I could retreat to the hotel in utter shame. I missed out on the culmination of our week-long session, during which they announced we had won an award and had a champagne celebration. The next day my boss hugged me goodbye, looked at me with pity, and said sorry. And that was it.

What do I do? I will travel again. I missed out. I fear this experience has hurt me professionally. I shouldn’t have been put in that situation to begin with. I really am lost on how to manage. Any suggestions?

Oh no, I’m sorry, that never should have happened. And when it did happen, your boss and the organizer should have handled it differently, and then your boss should have followed up with you to let you know what will be done differently next time.

Absent any of that … do you have HR you can talk to? There’s no way to undo what already happened, but you might be able to ensure future events are more thoughtfully and inclusively organized.

I do emphasize to say that you aren’t the person who should be embarrassed; your boss and the event organizer should be, and your team should be irate with them, not pitying you. There’s nothing here that warrants shame on your side; you had medical needs that you disclosed ahead of time, and they should have been met. The embarrassment is on your boss and the organizer, not you.

3. Former supervisor blasts music from his cubicle

My former supervisor recently moved to a new position, and with that came a move from an enclosed office to working on the floor in a cubicle. Typically the office has been pretty quiet, as most of us are working on data requiring concentration. Unfortunately, my former supervisor apparently enjoys working with background music and blasts a collection of country and classic rock throughout the day from his cubicle! It’s highly distracting, and my noise canceling headphones are no match.

He is no longer under the “jurisdiction” of anyone working in the office, and our staff-supervisor relationship was challenging at best. I feel unable to say anything, nor do I want to, but am finding myself unable to concentrate and feeling angry as a result. I just can’t understand how anyone can think forcing the entire office to listen to their music all day is reasonable, and it’s seriously impacting an already shaky relationship.

Is this something I could reach out to a manager about, or am I being petty?

You’re not being petty. It’s generally considered rude to blast one’s own music around coworkers, unless everyone agrees on (a) having music in the first place and (b) general selection parameters. The fact that he’s doing this in a quiet space where people are trying to concentrate makes it worse.

Ideally you’d start by saying something to him yourself — for example, “Could you turn that down? It’s making it tough to focus.” Or, “Could you please use headphones? I’m having trouble focusing.” If you don’t want to do that because the dynamics around him being your former supervisor, any chance one of your other coworkers would be willing to?

But it’s also reasonable to ask a manager to handle it for you, and it’s okay to say, “I feel awkward about asking him myself since he was previously my manager.” They might suggest you say something yourself first, but they also might just handle it for you.

Related:
my coworker tries to drown out my music with her own

4. I’ve heard horrible things about the manager my company is considering hiring

My department has been without a manager for nearly a year. Applicants are scarce, because of massive time expectations and a frankly lowball salary. But my grandboss has finally interviewed someone they think is qualified, and I’m going to be in on a staff interview this week.

At this candidate’s last job, she happened to manage a few people I know from outside work. I reached out to these friends to ask what they know about her. Everything I’ve heard back has been shockingly negative.

It’s not just that her performance was bad and she micromanaged everyone to death. They’re also telling me stories of outright discrimination. Multiple staff members there went to HR with complaints of abusive language and racial slurs. The accusations were substantiated but she apparently resigned before being punished.

Obviously I don’t want to work for this person. But how can I report the problem to the hiring team in a believable, professional way? I don’t want them to ignore these issues. I worry they might hire her anyway out of desperation, because they have so few other prospects.

As a last resort, I suppose could confront the candidate about that situation in the staff interview. But because this person might end up being my manager, the power dynamic there makes me hesitant. I would need to stay on under her leadership for weeks or months while looking for a new job.

Relay what you heard to the hiring committee! That’s incredibly relevant information, and I’d be horrified if someone knew those things about a candidate I was considering hiring and didn’t tell me. Of course, be clear that you haven’t worked with the person directly and are hearing these things secondhand, but also be clear that you’ve heard it from multiple people whose judgement you trust (assuming you do). The framing you want is a matter-of-fact, “Jane Warbleworth has worked with several people I know and trust, and they’ve shared XYZ with me, which I thought I needed to pass on to you.”

Stress the discrimination and abuse more than the micromanaging; micromanaging can be in the eye of the beholder (and can sometimes be warranted in the short-term if an employee is struggling), but it’ll be hard for anyone to think “well, maybe the racial slurs and forced resignation weren’t so bad.”

5. Returning to my maiden name after a divorce

I recently got divorced and am now unsure what to do about my name. Personally, I’ve changed back to my maiden name. But I’m not sure how to handle it professionally. It was easier when I got married several years ago to explain it with, “I got married.” That’s a pretty positive one for people to respond to. But now? I’m happy to be divorced, but it’s a more complicated one for people to respond to. I’m hesitant to change my name at all because of it. What’s the way forward here? I work in construction and don’t have a lot of women to talk to about it.

“I’ve changed back to my maiden name, Mulberry, so am now Cressida Mulberry.” That’s it! Handle it exactly the way you would if you’d changed it for any other reason. Some people may ask if you got divorced, and you can just be breezily matter-of-fact if they do: “Yes, we split up earlier this year. I’m fine! Just going back to Mulberry.” You don’t need to get into it more than that.

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{ 88 comments }

{ 88 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. anony*

    OP1, Johnson O’Connor Aptitude Testing might be of use to you in this situation, if your company is willing to pay for it with professional development funds. I’d suggest you do it for yourself to get a really good understanding of what it’s all about, as well as having Tom do it. If successful, it’ll give you both a much clearer understanding of WHY Tom is struggling in this position, as well as a map of what positions would be better for him and why — that will be helpful for him throughout his career. Speaking from experience… I was struggling in ways that didn’t make sense, and this test brought so much clarity and explained why I was in exactly the wrong job for me.

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    1. TooTiredToThink*

      OP#1 – no advice; just that I am in awe of your brain and communication skills for the line about the apple and the snake. Being able to understand why someone thinks the way they do is such a gift!

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  2. Soontobetetired*

    LW2 . do talk to HR if you can. So many people for different reasons would be uncomfortable getting in and out of that boat via ladder. or just getting into a boat – I suffer from sea sickness and boats are not a good surprise

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    1. KateM*

      I can see boss thinking that 30 seconds of being physically helped in the course of all evening would not be a big problem, but now I’m guessing she never thought os sea sickness which would have lasted all the event…

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      1. Ellie*

        Nah, I doubt she thought about it much at all. I wouldn’t have been happy to have a boat and a ladder sprung on me either. I’m pretty uncoordinated, and I’d have chosen my footwear and dress more carefully, at minimum. I wouldn’t be drinking champagne either, knowing that a ladder was involved in the return trip. Surprise activities suck.

        OP – please do understand that no-one would have been pitying you. They would only have been horrified by the awful position you were placed in. We have a team lead where I work who is in a wheel chair, and if this happened to him, the outrage would have been palpable. Your manager is terrible for not trying to make this up to you. I’m thinking a gift presented to you as well as a thank you for all of your hard work in lieu of the boat celebration. That weak apology she offered was no where near enough.

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        1. Emmy Noether*

          Yes, I think the likeliest explanation is that she didn’t think about it at all (which is not ok – she should have thought about it!). I’ve also been on several boats of different sizes and don’t remember any involving a ladder (though the wobbly planks I do remember are not much better), so she may not have expected it (though again, she should have checked the accessibility).

          And that’s in addition to the seasickness issue. I happen to enjoy boats even though I get seasick sometimes, but the time I had a work event on a catamaran and had to lie down the whole time was NOT FUN. And the surprise aspect makes it worse.

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          1. Artemesia*

            I’ve been on many a boat event and none of the one involving work or professional associations involved ladders or other awkward boarding. They all involved a ramp that the OP probably could have managed i.e. ramp with railing. I suspect that the person who booked this didn’t know how complicated boarding would be and then completely muffed dealing with the situation once it occurred. When you have someone with serious limitations, you have to do more than assume — you have to actually ask about the logistics.

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            1. amoeba*

              Yeah, that’s what I thought as well! That kind of boat trip (you know, with dinner on board, champagne, etc.) typically, in my experience, involves big boats, not a lot of movement that might make people seasick, and a plank with railings/bridge type thing to get onto it (which would be fine even for people in a wheelchair). So I can absolutely see they automatically expected something like that and didn’t think to ask about accessibility…

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              1. londonedit*

                I’ve been on one of the ‘party boats’ that go up and down the Thames, with a bar and a DJ etc, but as I mentioned below my mum wouldn’t be able to cope with even that – you might not be on the high seas but there’s still the movement of a boat, which gets more pronounced as other boats go past. I’m pretty sure no one would think to check whether someone has an inner-ear issue like my mum does – she’d have turned up, seen the boat and said absolutely not.

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          2. Boat experience*

            I have been on boats for work social events that involved a ladder for boarding. They also had bathrooms that are extremely small. Both of these factors led to a coworker opting out at the last minute.

            Unfortunately, the lack of needs consideration that OP experienced is pretty common in my experience.

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      2. Worldwalker*

        Gods, yes. I just about get seasick looking at a picture of a rowboat. That would be a highly unpleasant “surprise.”

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    2. Aardvark*

      Goodness. I am with you. I like boats, so will take seasickness meds. But these need to be taken in advance, and I need to know to have some available.
      Not being warned would have lead to a very unpleasant evening.
      Boats are general not known for having spacious toilets for normal use, let alone for dealing with losing your dinner in to.

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      1. Worldwalker*

        That’s what the rail is for!

        Anyone who doesn’t like it, well, I don’t either. You got surprised by my seasickness, I got surprised by the reason for my seasickness. At least you can go to somewhere I’m not; I can’t exactly go somewhere the ocean is not!

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    3. Kuddel Daddeldu*

      We have to get training and don life vests before going on a boat by ladder. And a physical every two years. That’s because transfer at sea is recognized as high risk.
      Okay, for us it’s usually seagoing ships, at sea, and the climb is typically 30ft/10m or more in not always optimum conditions (we do ship inspections, think coast guard but more technical). An inland or harbor boat trip would be more sheltered but still not something you’d spring on someone as a surprise.

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    4. Anima*

      This story made me angry on OP2’s behalf.
      My company tried to pull a “surprise!” event last year, too, but surprises are a stupid way to do team events even for able bodied people. I tend to dress up for work and work events, and me showing up in a pencil skirt and heels to climb a ladder onto a boat would have been an absolute no-no. Not only because of dignity, but safety! Companys need to disclose what the surprise is, this isn’t a college party!
      (In my case my colleague and I badgered the organising team until they told us what we are doing, and this was a good call, because it involved hiking. Showing up in heels would have prevented us from participating. It also allowed the non-hikers to either gracefully bow out or get an alternative organized, which happened, so all was well.)

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    5. londonedit*

      Yeah, my mum has an issue with her inner ear which means if she goes on a boat she not only suffers from horrible seasickness at the time, but also for about 3-4 days afterwards. There’s no way she could go on a boat trip without being ill afterwards. Again, probably the sort of thing boat-going people wouldn’t even consider, but there are all sorts of mobility and other issues that mean boats aren’t a great choice for a surprise trip.

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    6. Hyaline*

      Even if everyone is cool with a boat, people are going to change their choice of clothing and footwear and even hairstyle (long hair plus open air wind on the water = not fun), plus some people with seasickness are fine if they take meds–but need to know ahead of time! Is it just me, or is the “surprise” aspect of this actually the worst? LW could have headed this off at the pass if the boss hadn’t insisted on it being a surprise, and the surprise could have been hellish for more people than it was (and maybe it was, but no one is comparing notes about throwing up all night or being stuck on a boat out on the water without a jacket and freezing with LW!) Surprises and work functions really don’t mix well–so many variables at play.

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      1. WellRed*

        That’s the missing piece for me. Insist on knowing in advance. That’s easier said than done. I am irate on OPs behalf. I hate “food surprises” at work events.

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  3. Wisdom Weaver*

    OP2: Alison is absolutely right – the thoughtless people who didn’t even ask about the boat’s accessibility are the ones who should be ashamed! That being said, it may actually be better in the long run if their reaction was pity rather than embarrassment – and here’s why.

    Even when feelings of guilt or shame are warrented and fully deserved, they can easily and quickly morph into resentment against the (innocent) person who’s making one feel ashamed. Guilt and shame are extremely unpleasant feelings – if they go on for more than a very short time, it’s all too easy to start blaming the person who’s the focus of those feelings. “If it weren’t for THAT PERSON, I wouldn’t be feeling guilty and ashamed! It’s THEIR fault that I feel lousy!”

    This, of course, is 100% Grade A organic fertilizer, but it’s also very human and very common. Being pitied is exasperating (as a senior with a disability myself, I don’t like it either!) but it’s far less likely to turn toxic later on and to make you the target of your manager’s annoyance and resentment.

    Let’s hope that they all learn to ask a few common sense questions about accessibility next time they plan a “surprise”! Although, for the record, making that “surprise” a boat trip which no one can leave until it docks isn’t really the best choice for a company outing. That’s come up before in AAM, and several commenters have noted that it keeps the employees a “captive audience” for the entire trip, which many find annoying. That’s another thing to remember, managers – be thoughtful in planning an outing that EVERYONE can enjoy!

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  4. EA*

    I feel like I’m generally pretty chill about background noise (like people chatting, for example), but I actually feel rage when other people are rude enough to make everyone else listen to their music / shows / Tiktok videos / whatever in public places (I’m looking at you, people on the plane watching videos without headphones!). It’s 2024 – you should know to wear headphones. OP, I would absolutely go to my manager about this and say it’s affecting my ability to work (and also… SO rude).

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    1. Ali + Nino*

      yessss thank you say it louder for the people who can’t hear you over the loud, loud audio blasting from their personal devices *cue deer in headlights look – “who, me?”*

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    2. Brain the Brian*

      That former supervisor sounds an awful lot like someone who’s bitter about giving up his private office and trying to strong-arm his way into getting it back by being as obnoxious as possible in his new open-plan desk. Maybe it’s just me, but this doesn’t sound like a totally innocent misunderstanding of office norms to me.

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      1. Artemesia*

        My first thought as well. And the fact that this person’s manager hasn’t handled it is appalling. The longer this is allowed to go on the harder it will be to deal with. Too bad everyone didn’t rise up and complain the first day.

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    3. A rich tapestry*

      This!

      Yes, we can hear you. Yes, we can hear that you’re looking at porn, dude-on-train.

      (Genuine example by the way. Thank goodness for old ladies who give zero fluffs because the rest of us were trying to figure out how to say something about this)

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    4. Mad Scientist*

      My noisiest coworker recently told me that he sometimes brings in a Bluetooth speaker to play music out loud in the office on days when it isn’t “crowded”. I was horrified that he would do this and even more horrified that he mentioned it so casually as if it wasn’t a rude thing to do! He even told me that he would have liked to turn the volume up higher, like he does at home, and seemed annoyed by the idea that playing his music as loud as he wants would be inconsiderate to everyone else. I pointed out that since his working environment preferences seem to align more with working from home, isn’t it great that our company is flexible and he can often work from home and play his music as loud as he wants? (This was intended as a way to subtly remind him that he *could* WFH more often and he *should* WFH if he’s going to be disruptive of other people in the office… but alas, this coworker actually prefers to work in the office, he just doesn’t like having to consider everyone else working there too.)

      In the same conversation, he mentioned that coworkers have complained to him in the past that they could hear him humming or singing, and his response was “So what?” I was horrified by this too because I have frequently heard him humming and singing and I found it incredibly distracting (borderline infuriating, but I have misophonia, so I’ve trained myself to view this sort of annoyance as mostly a me problem). BUT I had always assumed he was doing it subconsciously and gave him the benefit of the doubt that he probably didn’t even realize he was doing it, which helped me resist the urge to angrily snap at him for being loud in the past. Knowing that he *does* know he’s doing it, he *does* know it’s bothering people, and he simply doesn’t care? I sorta lost any shred of respect I had for the guy, to be honest!

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    5. Insomnimaniacal*

      This. It wouldn’t be so bad if it were, say, classical music or something calming (e.g., the sound of waves) but it’s always rap in my experience. Totally obnoxious.

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      1. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

        Ah, so the 1812 Overture would have been okay? Classical music is not neutral and universal and is not white noise. And calling out rap as “always” the problem, when LW mentioned country and classic rock, frankly sounds racist.

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        1. MsM*

          Yeah, I don’t care if its nature sounds. I still find that distracting when I really need to concentrate on something.

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        2. Silver Robin*

          Yeah I usually see people distinguishing by “lyrics” vs “instrumental” because lyrics are often more distracting (lyrics in another language are a middle ground). Not by genre.

          But also, plenty of classical music goes through massive volume/tempo/mood changes and I find *that* distracting too.

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      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        All office music should be checked. A co-worker was in a barbershop quartet. I love barbershop. But listening to barbershop while trying to work? Not productive.

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    6. A Girl Named Fred*

      This is one of the reasons I was so floored when my grandboss banned headphones and told everyone, “Feel free to play your music out loud at your desk! Bonus if it’s (music they really like)!”

      I was just like WHY are you inviting this cacophony of noise, please just let me keep my headphones????

      But that’s a side tangent, so I’ll stop there. Hopefully OP3 and/or their manager can get him to use headphones!

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  5. Rosacolleti*

    OP1 – I suspect they will be hugely relieved to hear from someone with so much experience that there are other career options that are more of a pivot than a huge career change that required additional study. Delivering this information of course needs to be done sensitively, but if you really believe that you’re offering not only valid feedback but also a pathway to something they will feel more successful and confident in, it’s not as hard as it may seem.

    I’ve done this several times and the employee has always followed that advice and ended up heaps happier. If your organisation is open to it, offering a few sessions with a career counsellor/psychologist is a really nice and supportive way of helping people to the same conclusion.

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  6. TheBunny*

    OP#2

    I’m so sorry this happened to you. It sounds awful.

    I am deathly afraid of boats so this story was doubly awful for me to contemplate, both in sympathy for you and just horror of having to get on a boat at work. Ever.

    I would speak with HR not to get anyone in trouble but just to mention that work event surprises are not a good idea.

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    1. Pennyworth*

      Ladders are really hard for me because of some joint issues are not a condition I would need to mention at work. Surprise destinations are fine, surprise modes of transport are not.

      Reply ↓
  7. Catagorical*

    Surprises are not at all fun for everyone. I don’t think I could climb down a ladder and would be unhappy at the prospect. And if I had to go on a boat, (that didn’t require climbing) I’d really like to pick appropriate shoes and clothing. Big fail on the company’s part.

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    1. Ellis Bell*

      If you’re going to plan a surprise you need to have really flawless planning skills and intimate knowledge of people involved. You also actually have to use that knowledge; OP told them what they needed to know explicitly! They just flat out ignored it because it didn’t fit their idea of a fun surprise. If you’re dead set on surprises (and really all you’re doing is preventing people from planning their involvement/wardrobe and from anticipating something nice, so I don’t really get it except it’s coded as thoughtful) I honestly think you need some kind of fall back plan if there’s a detail you didn’t know/think about, so a surprise cake and champagne are easy things to flex around; just make sure there’s other food and drink options if someone can’t have it. But a boat?!

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      1. Worldwalker*

        The planners totally ignored a person with a known disability. They also ignored people who they didn’t know (yet) were prone to seasickness, people with a phobia of boats or open water, people who were dressed totally inappropriately for a boat trip, and people who just hated boats.

        Jump scares are surprises, too, and also not good ones.

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    2. CV*

      Surprises generally only benefit or gratify the *planner* and not the participants or honorees, unless it’s a very short interlude.

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  8. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

    OP2 (inaccessible offsite event) – not much solidarity in this team! 25 people looked on with pity and not even one of them said “you know what, I’ll sit this one out as well and keep OP company” – I would have once I realised what had happened (not clear if the team mates knew already about OPs disability, which sounds like it is fairly visible but it wasn’t clear if the team work in the same workplace).

    I think OP should bring this up with the boss again in their next 1 to 1 (I bet the boss won’t): “I just want to talk about what happened at the x event. I was really disappointed that even though we’d had conversations about my feasibility, taking taxis etc that this was overlooked. It wasn’t just the indignity but also I missed out on the award ceremony itself, which was recognising work I had contributed to. How do you think that affects morale…?”. It puts OP in the position of having to manage everyone’s feelings.

    If it is an externally organised event, is it too much of an overstep to reach out to the organisers directly and express this? Do they arrange a lot of events or is this kind of a one-off? Is there any kind of professional body associated with it?

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    2. Chocolate Teapot*

      I got the impression that the OP and the team don’t have much in person contact, so the disability isn’t obvious when on videoconferences or similar.

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    3. Ellie*

      They might have been afraid to draw any more attention to it. OP was already embarrassed, and trying to ward off their insulting offers to carry her, by telling them it was OK, she would sit this one out. I’d hesitate to say anything at the time as well, for fear of making it worse for OP, but I’d report it to HR myself once I was back in a position to do so.

      Of course, there’s an equal chance I would take the opportunity to sit it out also, merely because I would not be comfortable either. It would have to be a cash award with very, very good champagne to tempt me into a boat that was only accessible via a ladder.

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    4. Seashell*

      I don’t think it can be concluded definitively that they looked on with pity. Maybe they felt badly that LW was put in an awkward position. Maybe they were thinking about how the boss really made a mess of things, as usual.

      Another person opting to sit out seems like it has the potential to make more drama out of the situation and risks seeming like LW is incapable of taking care of themselves for the evening.

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      1. Ellis Bell*

        I quite agree, unless OP has seen other signs of them taking a patronising stance towards mobility issues. It’s far more likely they were just dismayed by how much of a doughnut OP’s boss was being, and how he had placed them all in such an awkward position, particularly OP, and that OP did not deserve this guy’s planning skills. If he looked at her the next day with pity.. that one is more debateable because he should have been using the actual word “mortified” and expressing his mea culpa.

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        1. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

          > other signs of them taking a patronising stance

          I don’t really think pity is necessarily “patronising” and I didn’t get the impression OP thought they were being patronising. To me it can mean something more neutral like “feel sorry for someone”.

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    5. Hyaline*

      Yeah…I feel like at least one person could have feigned motion sickness and chosen to sit out of the boat experience and, say, gone out for dessert or a glass of wine or whatever with LW. But people may not have been aware of what was happening until it was too late, or worried it would draw more attention/make things more awkward for LW. There are really no good answers here except “no more surprise work functions.”

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  9. Suze*

    Op2. So I think the manager thought the activity was fine because being on a boat doesn’t seem particularly physically taxing. Maybe they didn’t know about the ladder. They should have apologized of course, but I suspect it wasn’t that they didn’t consider the OP’s needs at all. It’s just that yes, surprises at work are not good, and most of us don’t realize what disabilities entail.

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  10. Diomedea Exulans*

    LW1, wait a while – your conclusions might be premature. You hired this team last month. I am excellent at my current job and thoroughly enjoying it, but I started out exactly like this guy. Showing absolutely no talent and on the verge of burnout and by the end of the second month I was thriving. It might not be the case for him, but everyone is different. Wait until the 3 month mark.

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    1. SAS*

      Agreed, this seems extremely premature from LW1. I had to go and re-read how much management experience they had because “let me try and shift this difficult-to-manage person from my team because it’s all too hard” is something I’ve unfortunately witnessed from a very fresh team lead that has recently come into my workplace.

      It’s unclear to me whether “experience manager” is more focused on developing the processes or if developing the staff is also a key part of the role. If it’s the latter, more effort needs to go into actually *managing* this person, as in, figuring out how best to communicate with them, keeping them on track task-wise, developing any skills and processes that were under-trained or poorly trained. I assume there are performance review processes in place that would then be the most appropriate time to raise any ongoing performance issues.

      It seems like there is a bit of a personality clash in play, but as someone who has also had an early-career experience of being onboarded into an extremely dysfunctional and unsupportive environment and feeling like it took about a year to find my feet, I feel a lot of sympathy for Tom here.

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      1. Emmy Noether*

        They could also try having the sticky concepts explained to Tom by a different person (a training of some kind, maybe? A book?) I’ve seen it before that concepts just Will. Not. Click. with a person, and then someone different explains it, and suddenly it does.

        It could also really be that Tom just isn’t suited, though.

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      2. Mad Scientist*

        I don’t know, it doesn’t read as a personality clash to me, nor does it seem to be about this guy being “difficult to manage”. If there truly is a fundamental gap that’s uncommon for people at his level, then I’m skeptical that your suggestions would help. Trying to keep someone on-track task-wise can only do so much if they fundamentally don’t understand the task.

        The LW’s metaphor about an apple vs. snake was particularly interesting to me… Because that does seem like a pretty significant gap, and yet at the same time, the ability to find similarities there could actually be useful in a different role. The LW acknowledges that this guy is smart and has potential, just not in this role, and I’m not sure that they would openly acknowledge that if it was a personality clash.

        There’s a fine line between helping and hand-holding, and a fine line between training someone who’s struggling vs. force-fitting them into a role that isn’t a good match.

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        1. MsM*

          The fact OP mentioned Tom also digs in on being corrected makes it sound like there are more problems here than burnout. I suppose it’s possible he’s defensive if the last manager was constantly nitpicking trivial stuff, but this doesn’t sound trivial.

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          1. Mad Scientist*

            Yeah, it doesn’t seem like burnout is the main issue here. Although there would certainly be some understandable burnout for someone in a position that they aren’t well-suited for, the solution isn’t the same as the usual solutions to burnout. Someone with the fundamental gaps that the LW describes is always going to be “running to stand still” even for basic tasks that shouldn’t require so much effort.

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    2. kastanie22*

      It’s probably a good idea to wait for a bit but I would like to point out that while LW1 has been there for a month, Tom hasn’t! According to the letter, he’s been there for (upt to) 2 years and it has gotten to a point where people from his own team and even other teams actively avoid working with him. I think it’s fair to assume that there is some kind of problem that won’t disappear by just leaving Tom alone and waiting it out.

      Reply ↓
  11. A person*

    OP2
    I would assume that the boss didn’t do their due diligence and didn’t think about your needs. It was probably one of these boats that go on lakes or on rivers, that don’t require any kind of special clothing and hardly move, and the boss probably thought very little about it. I grew up near the sea, and the boats I’ve taken on the sea have never been the same that I’ve taken for corporate events.
    So I reckon the boss thought that for a “cocktail party boat”, it wouldn’t be taxing. They also probably didn’t think about getting on the boat, which happens a lot with people who don’t anything about boats, so they didn’t ask the question to the boat people.

    So, I don’t love this advice, OP, because it does put the onus on you a bit, but any chance that you could be even clearer next time ? i.e. not saying that you “have difficulty with stairs”, which could be interpreted by someone as “Oh, there isn’t a lot of stairs for that part of the evening, so it’ll work”, but : “If there is more than 5/10 stairs, I won’t be able to join” / “If there is a ladder or any kind of access that is not a flat floor, I won’t be able to join” / “For me to be able to take part in the event, I need to access via car, have to walk by foot no less than [distance], and have available [things you need]”.

    That sucks, but probably if you don’t spell it out, people will generally assume from their (able-bodied) point of view.

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    1. Mutually supportive*

      The OP did already say that they have problems with mobility, and the chances of the “surprise” including a ladder are pretty slim – the onus shouldn’t be on them to have to list every possible permutation of things they’re not able to do. It makes much more sense for the organisers, who has all the relevant information about the event, to think “ooh, let me check if that can work for all attendees”

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      1. A person*

        Yes, I know that, but unfortunately, this event already happened. Our advice can only be related to what the OP can do in the future, so that’s the one I’m giving.

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        1. bamcheeks*

          I think this is exactly the tack to take with the boss, if LW wants to invest more time and energy in it: “Boss, if you tell me the event is a surprise, I cannot possibly give you a list of all the things that might make that impossible for me that includes “I can’t climb up or down a ladder”. If you tell me we’re going on a boat trip, I can phone the company and ask what the process is for boarding, and they can tell me if they’re able to make any adjustments and I can decide well in advance whether that’s going to be appropriate. This is why surprises are completely inappropriate for work activities: they will almost certainly exclude someone, and if it hadn’t been me it could easily have been someone else.”

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          1. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

            If the company insists on continuing with “surprise” events, imo it should be a reasonable accommodation for OP (and anyone else with accessibility etc needs) to be told in advance what the event is so that they can contact the organisers, bring needed equipment or whatever.

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            1. Gathering Moss*

              Yeah, this is how my work handles things. They like surprise events, but I’m multiply disabled with somewhat complicated mobility issues, so HR tell me in advance what the plan is. That way we can either work out any potential issues in advance, or I can quietly sit things out in the worst case.
              But we came to that accommodation after a couple of events that I very obviously couldn’t participate in (really? A scavenger hunt all over town in the middle for someone permanently on crutches??). I’m grateful they were willing to learn from those, but OP, I know how it feels to have to explain that no, you ‘can’t just….’. That feeling of powerlessness even when you’ve done your best to avoid the problem is so frustrating!

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            2. bamcheeks*

              This seems like such an unforced error, though. Individual accommodations should be made in order to enable people to achieve the key parts of their roles or business needs where no better options exists.

              If you have to to create a reasonable accommodation for something like, “we love surprise parties”, you can just … not have surprise parties. And then you are also creating an accessible environment for people who don’t want to or aren’t able to share their accessibility needs. Accessible environments >>>>> individual accommodations.

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    2. Emmy Noether*

      I think this event will probably serve as a lesson for the organizers for next time.

      I do have the kind of gallows humour and the kind of relationship with my bosses that I could probably say “sooo… how many ladders this time?” before the next event, but LW (quite understandably) doesn’t seem to. They already were quite clear about the limitations this time! I guess they could ask about every event in detail and insist on knowing about surprises, but I really hope the organizers will be more proactive next time

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    3. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      Harbor cruise was my guess, and yeah, the ones I’ve been on have had ramps with railings for boarding, but the organizer should have checked. “Is the boat accessible including boarding and disembarking” is a pretty basic question.

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    4. Ellis Bell*

      So I agree with your first paragraph entirely, that the boss simply didn’t think it through or look into what a boat trip would actually involve, but I disagree that OP didn’t spell it out: They literally said they “have difficulty with stairs and will need to take direct taxis instead of trams”. There’s no way that could ever mean ‘all types of boats are okay, and I can tackle a ladder and navigate a dock with ease”. However, if I were in OP’s position I would jump straight to explaining that I can’t possibly explain everything, and I need to double check arrangements myself: “Surprises are usually a bad idea for me because there are certain things I can’t do, and other people commonly misunderstand my mobility limitations, or fail to check for appropriate accessibility. I will always need to check the arrangements myself, thanks for understanding.”

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    5. Hyaline*

      I think the better firm point to hold on would be “I know surprises can be fun, but they are not fun for me, because I have to plan for a lot of details most people don’t consider. I need to know the evening’s plans or I will not be able to join.” THEN LW could ask about specifics like ladders, uneven surfaces, walking or waiting in lines, etc, or make the calls to investigate for themselves.

      One element I wondered about, too–“accessible” means different things in different places, and the laws vary by country. In some places we visited in Europe, the “accessible” options were…simply not. So LW’s boss doing the investigating could be a problem if he’s relying on certain standards of accessibility, makes a call, is told “yes, sure, it’s accessible” and it’s simply not accessible for LW. Trust disabled people to investigate and make the call on whether it’s accessible themselves.

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  12. Know it all*

    OP1, if in your discussion you let Tom know the specific strengths that you’ve noticed from him and be explicit about the ways that you think it would suit a different speciality that you can help him move into, I think that puts you in a really good position to have Tom be at least receptive (if not relieved) to hear this and go with the plan to apply or be moved to a different team. People, especially know it alls and people who are frustrated and but determined to succeed, like and sometimes desperately want their strengths and efforts to be noticed, so hearing “I don’t think this suits you but what I think you’d really excel at is ___ because of _____” has a chance of being something affirming rather than something that makes you feel not believed in.

    Take it from an admitted know-it-all who recognises some of Tom’s behaviours in themselves (and is working hard on that).

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  13. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

    Crappy boss and crappy coworkers too.
    I’d make a complaint to HR.

    I love boats but if a coworker – even one I’d only just met – couldn’t get on the boat due to disability then I’d not have got on either.
    Also, if several coworkers had done this in solidarity, it would be much more likely that the idiot boss would cancel the boat and switch to a restaurant or something else inclusive.

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    1. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      I’ve been on umpteen cruises, but never had to climb a ladder; they’ve always had ramps. Very odd for a business jolly: This excursion was not just discriminatory against the OP but could be a safety issue for anyone in a tight dress, high heels etc

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  14. AP*

    Lw2, I’m so sorry and hate this for you! A thing that’s really helped me navigate workplace ableism is to reframe it slightly. “Wow they really messed up on this one and don’t even realise, how absolutely embarrassing and shameful for them.” The curse I wish on most ableist adults is that they live long enough to one day really get it.

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  15. Triplestep*

    #3: General advice from an Office Designer: Just skip asking people to turn down their music, and jump right to “Please use headphones”.

    Asking them to lower the volume opens you up to future disagreements over whether they have turned it down ENOUGH. Acoustics in commercial settings are weird and unpredictable. Sometimes things seem like they are not that loud to the person sitting right next to the source, but they pick up amplification and tonal changes over space. If you’ve ever been to a beach or pool and heard someone’s low volume music sounding tinny and loud by the time it reaches your ears, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Save yourself the trouble and just ask them to use headphones, pods or whatever.

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    1. Mad Scientist*

      Agree, and I personally find it distracting and rude even if the volume is low, so turning down the volume does not help. This is why headphones were invented, folks! Use them!

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    2. Future*

      Totally agree. It’s rarely that the music/phone noise being too loud is the real problem. It’s that it’s there at all. Asking for it to be “turned down” just reinforces in the minds of folks with phone incontinence that some noise is ok.

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  16. Friday Hopeful*

    LW#5 this may not be helpful to you now but maybe it is for someone else. When I was going through my divorce I started tacking on my maiden name before my married last name so people got used to hearing it, like Mary Jones Smith (Jones being the maiden name). Then once it was legal for me to change back to my maiden name I just dropped the Smith and people had already gotten used to Jones. It made the transition, especially in places like LinkedIn, a lot easier.

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  17. Morning Reader*

    I don’t understand why there is a “surprise” at a corporate event. I’m not on board with surprises generally; I just don’t get it. If a gift or an event would be a good idea and please the recipient/participants, what is the advantage of making it a surprise? For the nano-second of possible pleasure the “surprise” element provides? Which 50/50 chance could be not so pleasurable? I’m not against gift wrapping on gift giving occasions, but for events, or things you can’t gracefully turn down when surprised? What is the point? It seems almost sadistic on the part of the giver/surpriser.
    Would there have been any real difference in telling people that the final evening activities will be on a boat? Yes, those who didn’t want to or couldn’t be trapped on a boat for hours with their drinking coworkers could have opted out. In this case, the “surprise” was intentional coercion, in my opinion. OP might have been the only person who couldn’t get on the boat but I doubt were the only person who would have strongly preferred not to.
    Is this a trend in employer activities? If so… why?

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    1. Falling Diphthong*

      One part is a two-types-of-people thing re surprises–if a person planning the event falls into “The most fun thing about any activity is that it is a surprise” and assumes that the rest of the group wants a surprise. (Statistically speaking, I am sure there are some small work groups where in fact everyone loves a surprise and agrees that it’s the best part of any event.)

      The other part is past experience with people saying “No, I don’t want to a do a (boat/pub crawl/escape room/daring heist),” and so by making it a surprise the planner circumnavigates that person’s objections.

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      1. bamcheeks*

        My dad has a Big Birthday in January and me and my little brother are currently doing what we do every five years, which is “talk Middle Brother down from organising a surprise! 300 people! party!” My dad is actually organising his own party for around 25 people at home, and my brother is CONVINCED that he’d be delighted if we secretly booked a venue and invited another 100 people.

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  18. Dog momma*

    #2. while its horrible that this happened to someone that is physically disabled, what struck me more were her words of shame ( you have nothing to be ashamed about LW) & pity …this seems to be a separate self esteem issue. I’m sure the rest of the staff were concerned & just didn’t know how to react in the moment.
    The boss is absolutely out of line if he knows you walk with a cane & owes you an apology. I’ve worked with 3 nurses with an MS diagnosis. While everyone is different, and one went from a cane to a power chair & worked til she couldn’t; they didn’t focus so closely on their diagnosis. I suggest an MS support group to assist you with unexpected things that come up in your work/ personal life, for suggestions/ advice in a ” work around ” so its not so stressful

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    1. Nightengale*

      You know, I am probably one of the most rah rah disability pride people you are ever likely to meet, and very well connected with support groups. . .

      and I don’t know that my reaction would have been any different. There’s a real difference between having people know I’m disabled (and I give talks on disability where I do disclose some aspects of my impairments, on my terms) and showing up to a suddenly inaccessibility surprise, in front of other people, with my impairments front and center on display and the topic of conversation, and being offered to be carried. My person predominant emotion would be more likely to be anger but there can be some internalized ableist shame underneath as well as worry about how others are now suddenly perceiving me.

      Earlier this week I showed up at a different hospital than the one where I usually work to give a talk (ironically on disability identity and universal design.) I had asked about steps to the stage and told there was an accessible way onto the stage, which there was. What I hadn’t thought to ask about and hadn’t been told is that the hospital had replaced all their elevator buttons with touch screens that I couldn’t use. Because usually I can use elevators in my daily life. So whenever I wanted to go to a conference session on another floor I had to ask conference staff to help me use the elevator. They were very accommodating about it but that didn’t stop some of the “what are they thinking of me that I can’t use an elevator” thoughts running through my head. After the conference ended I found myself stuck on the wrong floor and had to flag down a passerby to program the elevator for me. Off now to write a carefully worded but quite angry e-mail about how they need to post information at the elevators as to how someone can summon assistance and also PLEASE don’t bring this technology to the hospital where I work.

      Reply ↓
  19. Falling Diphthong*

    OP1, if you’re able to do the “Path 1 isn’t working; I think you could excel on Path 2” approach, make sure to build in some time for the employee to reflect on this feedback. In such a situation it’s normal for him to be stuck well down in the mindset “The only way out is through; head down, bull forward, eventually this will work.” And so his response in the moment is likely to be what you predict, insisting that he can’t give up. Sometimes brains need a couple of days to see the new possibilities rather than stay stuck.

    (I suspect L2 illustrates this, where they had a plan and, when it failed short term, got very invested in trying to force that plan to work, rather than reflect on whether it could work.)

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  20. Four Lights*

    OP2:
    Why do people think grown adults would be okay with being carried like a toddler, especially by a stranger.

    If they thought about it, I doubt they would want it to happen to themselves, so why do they think someone else would be ok with it.

    As others said, your company screwed up. I know someone with knee replacements who couldn’t have done the ladder. I would have been seasick without meds.

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    1. Four Lights*

      What if someone were secretly pregnant, slipped getting on or off the boat and had to visit a doctor abroad to check on the baby?

      Just another way this idea could have gone wrong.

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  21. Heck, darn, and other salty expressions*

    LW 5, I’ve also been in the position of taking back my maiden name after a divorce. In my case the divorce was painful and unwanted, which made dealing with comments and questions more difficult. One of the worst things was being told “congratulations” after informing a coworker of my name change. Several people assumed it meant I got married! That pushed me to inform co-workers of my recent divorce as part of telling them my “new” name. Responses to that ranged from “what happened” to an awkward “oh” to an unwanted lecture from someone who knows I have kids on how awful and selfish I was for not keeping my ex’s name for the sake of my kids and if that name was good enough for my kids it was good enough for me! My response to that was my ex had decided to “give his name” to someone else and I don’t share! If I’m not Mrs Ex I don’t want the “honor” of the title. Fortunately most people are civilized, even if they are a little nosy.

    Reply ↓

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