updates: I don’t want to be pied in the face for work, and more

by Alison Green on December 18, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. I don’t want to be pied in the face for work

Thank you again for the response to my letter and situation. It was really nice to see that I wasn’t unhinged for thinking it wasn’t acceptable to be pied in the face, and you had some very good advice regarding not needing to be a top performer to be exempt from humiliating work affairs. It’s something I would certainly believe for others, but not for me—so I needed the reality check that I could count myself in the “no one has to be pied in the face if they don’t want to!” category. The commenters were also quite kind and I truly did appreciate the solidarity from most folks.

My update isn’t very exciting beyond good news, which is I have moved on from this workplace before anything came of the pies. This was just the tip of the whipped cream iceberg of a foundational mismatch between me and other managers at the previous place. I am much happier now that interactions like that one are not my daily norm.

I’m not sure if the pies are still happening, but we can only hope that if it is, it’s opt-in, not opt-out. I opted out more permanently. :)

Cheers for the advice and nice aim!

2. My coworker made a creepy pass at me (#2 at the link; first update here)

I am a religious reader of AAM and love update season. I thought you all might enjoy another update on my situation with Mac. I can’t believe it’s been over a year!

Mac never said anything sexualizing or out of line to me again. We never got back to the kind of easy work friendship we had previously, but things were cordial and while not necessarily warm they weren’t chilly either.

Unfortunately something eventually came out that likely cements his comments as less innocent than he portrayed them in his apology: he was having an affair and his wife is divorcing him. He’s moved out of the neighborhood and no longer works here, which I’m grateful for. This new development definitely made it harder to assume he didn’t know exactly what he was doing with his comments.

Thanks again for opening my eyes last year and to all the commenters that helped me find my gumption. I still can’t believe I pulled that line with a straight face, and it still feels amazing that I did. And thanks for all the wisdom and entertainment over the years! Can’t wait to keep reading more.

3. Are these interview red flags? (#3 at the link)

Thank you, Alison and the commenters, for giving me a gut check. Shockingly, the day after I wrote to you, I heard from HR that they were proceeding with putting together an offer for me, and asked for my references. HR told my references that they were giving me an offer, and let me know that all the reviews of me were glowing and the team was really excited about bringing me on.

After you posted my letter, I was thinking about withdrawing my candidacy, but decided that having the information on what compensation they’d offer me for the role was worth having, so I planned to hang in there until that point, when I could decline. Well, the joke was on me. For another six weeks I kept being told that the offer was forthcoming, delayed for various approvals (it was with leadership, with the new CEO, with the parent company). Finally I called HR after two weeks of radio silence and asked for an update. At that point they told me that they might not in fact be giving me an offer after all, because the hiring manager had identified someone else they were now interested in and wanted to interview. I thanked them for their time and the following Monday withdrew from consideration. The entire process took four months, and I never once heard from the hiring manager or the team, everything was run through HR (yet another huge red flag).

The process was eye opening in its own right and a really great reminder that if a company treats you badly and is a complete mess during the hiring process, it can only go downhill from there. Thank you to the AAM community such great perspective!

4. Communicating with a team that doesn’t read email (#2 at the link)

As some of the commenters correctly guessed, management wasn’t a good fit for me. I made a lateral move to a non-management role at the same organization. I’m making the same amount of money (still, uh, not a lot) but I’m MUCH happier in my new role and I have all kinds of ideas for how to improve my little corner of this place!

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{ 9 comments }

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Dadjokesareforeveryone*

    For anyone wondering about the line LW2 is referencing:

    “Mac, you implied that your inability to manage your pants feels in the workplace was somehow my fault for looking like a ‘sexy librarian.’ How exactly would you suggest I handle such gross comments in the future if not with avoidance?”

    Reply ↓
    1. D C F*

      Yes, that response was great, but then all the things that L W 2 mentioned saying to Mac in the first update are *chef’s kiss*.

      Reply ↓
  2. CubeFarmer*

    Update #3, I’m glad that you withdrew your candidacy. I’ve been on a couple of interviews in the past several years where I felt a yanked around. Both times were with the same institution, so when this happened the second time, the institution went on my blacklist.

    The first time it simply took them forever (I’m talking March-April until, like, August) to hire for this role. I did not get the offer.

    The second time, the job listing did not comply with salary disclosure laws in my state, and then they decided to tell me mid-process that the salary was incorrect and, oh, it’s less. At that point, I decided that I couldn’t take this job, but I would stay with the process just for the interviewing experience. Concurrently, though, I was offered a new role at my current organization, so I formally withdrew my candidacy.

    I never heard one more word from the HR people. Not even a polite, “Thanks for letting us know, best of luck.”

    Honestly, I would never bother to formally withdraw again. Let them pursue me for another interview or tell me I didn’t get the role, but I wouldn’t be proactive again.

    Reply ↓
    1. Bilateralrope*

      I agree with not formally withdrawing in cases like this. If they aren’t spending any time communicating with you, and you know you won’t be taking the job, why spend any of your time withdrawing ?

      Especially when giving them the same effort that they seem to be giving you leaves open the possibility that they might say something useful and/or entertaining.

      Reply ↓
  3. Observer*

    #4 – I think you are very smart. Knowing what you enjoy doing and what you are good at and *acting on that* is really very wise.

    Reply ↓
  4. Observer*

    #2 – I was really impressed with how you handled the situation. It would have been perfect even if his original behavior had the least trace of genuine obliviousness, but given what you now know, it is *really* great.

    I do think that you have probably done his future female coworkers a real favor, though. Because now he knows that he probably needs to be careful even with someone who he thinks is too passive to push back.

    Reply ↓
  5. animaniactoo*

    LW3 – And I bet this company cannot understand why they can’t manage to hire good employees.

    I hope more people nope out of the process and decline to spend any more time waiting for an update or jumping through any more hoops.

    Reply ↓
    1. LW3*

      Honestly this was exactly the point. It didn’t feel like a serious person would continue to engage with the process. It felt important to me to withdraw for that reason.

      Reply ↓
  6. Jill Swinburne*

    Update #3 is timely. In October I applied for a (part-time) role, got an email saying they’d be in touch in a couple of days for a phone screen. A week later I followed up, did the phone screen, got an interview. A few more weeks passed and I got a date for the interview. Three weeks later I had an email saying yay, you’re a finalist and we’d like to set up a final interview ASAP with a director. I sent my availability, crickets for a week.

    I followed up last Friday with updated availability and had a reply on Monday saying that the director had a personal crisis to deal with and may be in touch this week, but I’ll get another update in a day or two either way. Oh, and we’re doing reference checks on another candidate and hope to make a decision this week. As of Thursday afternoon I have still not heard anything.

    I’m like, whaaaat? It’s not as egregious as #3 but reading that does make me feel better about the situation.

    Reply ↓

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