my new boss coughs all over me, my coworker sucks at managing his team, and more

by Alison Green on January 31, 2025

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My new boss coughs all over me

I’ve just begun a new position and as a result, have been working closely with my new boss as she trains me. Things are mostly going well — except she is constantly coughing on me! Directly on me! As in, I feel her breath on my bare arm as she coughs into my skin while leaning over me to see my computer screen. When she does bother to cover her mouth, she coughs into her hand … which she then promptly uses to grab my mouse. She also left a used(!) tissue on my desk.

I’m coming down with a cold and it’s not hard to put two and two together. She’s an older woman and a senior vice president, I’m a younger and far junior, brand new employee. Do I have any standing to polite ask her to stop doing this? If not, what else can I do other than aggressively sanitize everything after?

That’s incredibly rude! In an ideal world you’d be able to simply say, “I don’t want to get sick — would you mind moving away when you need to cough?” And you might indeed be able to say that; it’s a very reasonable request!

But if you’re nervous about it, another approach is to make it more about what you’re going to do than what she’s doing: “Let me move away while you input that since you’re coughing.” You can also keep disinfecting wipes nearby and wipe down the mouse after she’s used it — and if she’ll see you do that, you can say, “Since I started doing this, it’s cut down on how often I get anything going around.” There’s also the option of wearing a mask when she’s training you and saying, “I’m close to someone who gets sick easily and since you’ve got a cough, I’m going to be extra careful.”

I hope you can use the first option of just directly asking her to stop. But the reality is that people often feel awkward about this kind of thing with a boss, especially when they’re new. So the other options are there if you need them.

Related:
my disgusting boss touches and chews on everything on my desk

2. Should I tell our boss that my coworker sucks at managing his team?

I work in tech, and my team is split by areas of ownership. My manager, Dave, oversees me and three others, and we manage one system. Dave also manages Jeb, who leads five other people responsible for a separate system that works closely with ours. Jeb is my peer but he is a manager, while I am not. Despite this, we’re all part of the same team.

I’ve been at the company for seven years, three years longer than Jeb, and had worked with him even before we joined this team. Recently, I’ve heard from Jeb’s direct reports that he’s been difficult to work for. They’ve mentioned personal insults, constant micromanagement, blame shifting, and threats of undocumented performance improvement plans used to intimidate them. This is especially concerning since all of Jeb’s reports are new hires or early in their careers. From what I’ve seen, they are smart, capable, and have the potential to excel if given proper support. Notably, Jeb does not act this way in larger groups or when Dave is present.

Jeb and I, however, have a good relationship. While he can be condescending at times, I’ve brushed it off to maintain professionalism. I believe he respects me due to my tenure and values my input when I push back. Really, his behavior doesn’t impact me because I feel secure and confident in my role and position in the company.

That said, I find his treatment of his reports unacceptable. His team seems hesitant to escalate their concerns, fearing retaliation. One teammate did raise the issue with a senior leader he felt comfortable with, but it seems nothing has changed in Jeb’s approach. I feel awful for those reporting to him and want to help, but I’m unsure how. Dave is relatively new and likely only knows what Jeb has shared about his team, which may be biased. However, Dave seems people-focused, and I doubt he’d tolerate this behavior if he knew the full extent.

I’ve encouraged Jeb’s reports to set up skip-level one-on-ones with Dave to build direct relationships, but I worry that won’t be enough. I’m in a unique position as someone Jeb cannot retaliate against and who has a direct line to leadership. I want to support my teammates without worsening their already challenging dynamic. Should I escalate this to Dave or stay out of it unless asked? What’s the best way to help without causing more harm?

Since it sounds like you trust Dave to handle it well, share what you’ve seen with him. You can frame it as, “I want to pass on something I’m hearing to you in confidence, since I’m not positioned to do anything with it myself.” Do it the same way you’d pass along a less charged work-related concern that Dave would want to be aware of — like “I’m hearing rumors Key Vendor A may be shutting down next year” or “Client B mentioned they’d rather we focus on X, not Y, when we present to them.” You  have relevant information that you have reason to believe Dave would want to be aware of, so go ahead and share it and then leave it to him to decide where to go (if anywhere) from there. As long as your tone is measured and “here’s a potential work issue” rather than “here’s the hot goss on Jeb, who I take delight in badmouthing him,” most decent managers will appreciate a discreet heads-up.

3. How can I tell a friend who’s in a years-long job search that I got a job after a month?

I know that nothing is guaranteed, but about a month after starting a job hunt I appear to be very close to securing a job that will meet the needs of me and my family. I’m excited since it will solve a lot of problems for us, and it would make for a very short and successful job hunt. I’m excited, but I’m also wondering how to be kind around a dear friend of mine in the middle of a years-long, painful, difficult job search that has contained many false starts, dead-ends, and disappointments. Do you have any tips for how to be supportive and helpful around celebrating my job hunt ending quickly while also respecting the difficult and frustrating position they’re in?

Don’t celebrate it around your friend at all; she doesn’t sound like the right audience for your excitement right now. Let her know about the job change once it’s finalized since it would be weird not to, but keep it pretty matter-of-fact — you’re sharing information, not expecting her to celebrate with you.

Alternately, if you’re very close, in some friendships the right move would be to put it all out on the table — “I feel awkward about this and a little guilty since I know how long you’ve been searching, and I don’t want to be celebrating an offer for me when I know you’re having such a frustrating time.” She might reassure you that she’s happy for you and doesn’t want you to hide your excitement for her sake, or she might appreciate you recognizing that.

4. My boss said I couldn’t leave for lunch on a day we had an office party

I recently started a new role and, within two weeks, the deputy director of our department decided we would have a small office party for an employee approaching his last day. The party was about an hour with pizza, drinks, and desserts (provided by staff and company funds). I had an understanding with her that I would always be out-of-office for our company-allotted hour lunches to take care of my dogs’ needs. However, on the day of the party, she informed me that employees couldn’t take a lunch on days we had “parties” and therefore I couldn’t go home. I’ve never held an office job prior to this, so is this normal? Granted, it was over lunchtime, with lunch foods, but it was heavily implied it would be rude to not show up and congratulate this employee on their new role.

No, it’s not normal — and if you’re non-exempt and in a state that requires employees to be given a lunch break, it’s likely not legal either (although it will depend on the exact wording of your state’s law). It would be different if the party was optional and you could choose to spend your lunch hour there or not, but if you’re being told you must attend the party and you can’t have your lunch break before/after it, a lot of states would prohibit that.

You could say this to your boss: “I do need to take my full lunch break to go home every day like we agreed when I was hired — would you rather I do it during the party or after it?”

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{ 22 comments }

{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. FunkyMunky*

    #4 – interestingly enough, I always found majority of people wouldn’t take their break if we would have an in office lunch gathering. I never cared who did or didn’t, and just did my own thing, and went out for a lunch break anyway. I’d suggest you go after the festivities are over

    Reply ↓
    2. RCB*

      Yeah, I’ve had the same experience. Most people wouldn’t take their lunch break if there was an in-office party. I certainly wouldn’t penalize someone if they did though, people deserve time away from the office midday if they want it.

      Reply ↓
    3. Fish Microwaver*

      I’m wondering why OP1 felt the need to mention that their new boss was an older woman. We already get the power differential from the words “New boss”.

      Reply ↓
      1. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

        Because she also said she herself is young. It’s context. There is a large differential in both age *and* position that makes her feel awkward about what to say. Power isn’t the only axis.

        Can we cut LW’s some slack? Too much info, why so much? Too little info, why so little? Editing grammar, nitpicking word choice, omg someone mentioned age/gender. You could have puzzled out your “wonderment” yourself without all the snark.

        Reply ↓
        1. Agent Diane*

          Yep. If your comment is not helping the letter writer, think twice about it. We’re not here to critique letters. We’re here to offer advice, commiseration and enjoy a tiny little bit of voyeuristic “OMG, what?” about terrible work situations.

          In this instance, I can easily imagine how the comments would have gone without the detail that the boss is a woman. “Whoa, why is your boss getting close enough to breath on you? Is this guy a creep?” etc. So it was relevant for cutting off a huge swathe of speculation in the comments before it could start.

          Reply ↓
      2. Ellis Bell*

        Sometimes bosses don’t have a lot of clout, and their performance is being watched by others, and sometimes new managers (as in new to management) aren’t going to cut it, and you just have to wait them out, and it isn’t going to matter in the long run if they dislike you. OP’s boss is a senior vice president and I read the details OP included as indicating the boss has an awful lot of capital relative to them, a very young and junior employee, as well as experience, and even if they moved teams they wouldn’t want to offend them.

        Reply ↓
    4. Lunch*

      Well, I’ve been working in offices for more than 30 years now and it would have never occurred to me I could get a second lunch break if my first was for a lunch event. Supposedly the reason food is being provided at most such events is so people don’t take an additional break to get food. Even in a party/more social work event that’s true – there would likely just be cake if it weren’t meant to be lunch.

      The forced attendance is an interesting wrinkle, as in theory most places aren’t so blatant about it even if it’s true, but attendance at a going away party would generally be expected unless you were already scheduled not to work prior to the party announcement or were sick. However, you don’t necessarily have to stay the whole time at most places. So maybe attending for 15-20 minutes followed by going home would probably be viable even if it resulted in a longer than normal break. The key is doing it continuously and going a bit over, not taking a double break.

      Of course, all of that depends on how much you interact with coworkers and how you’re expected to track time. I’ve also worked in environments where you didn’t track time religiously and no one would notice a double break and also a few places where you could be flexible as long as you put in the minimum expected hours.

      Reply ↓
      1. ChurchOfDietCoke*

        Whereas I’ve worked in offices my whole career and would ALWAYS take a lunch break in addition to any event that fell over lunchtime that was mandatory, even if it was catered. An event that I am required to attend, even if food is provided, is not a lunch BREAK. It’s a catered meeting. My BREAK is for me to do with what I wish (a walk, reading, errands) and I am legally allowed to take it.

        Reply ↓
      2. pcake*

        Where I live, forced attendance work events cannot legally be considered your lunch break, regardless of whether food is served. If attendance is mandatory, it’s considered work and time spent at it must be paid as for any work time.

        Reply ↓
  2. cncx*

    OP 1: I am so sorry. People that inconsiderate about coughing are usually selfish in other ways too. Since the pandemic, even people who don’t think coughing is a big deal at least know that other people think it is a big deal.

    Reply ↓
  3. Ellis Bell*

    OP1, I work in a school full of coughing children who are yet to remember what they’re supposed to do when a cough or a sniffle surprises them; there are definitely some things you can do. If it’s your desk, you have home advantage and can set up the space to serve you. I would get a large pump bottle of sanitizer and put it front and centre on your desk. Box of easy grab tissues in the same area. Same thing with sanitizer wipes. Reposition yourself so that you’re observing the boss from behind rather than have her leaning over you. Use the sanitizer liberally at key junctures when she’s with you: “Before we start I’ll make sure I don’t pass on this thing that’s going around. Would you like some?”, “Before we switch over, I’ll sanitize so I don’t give you this cough”, “Oh that cough surprised me, let me just top on sanitiser here”. Use the tissues to cough theatrically but hygienically away from her, or the crook of your arm. Model the behaviour you would like to see from her. But most importantly- seat yourself behind her! Then when she’s gone, sanitize the desk, and go wash up afterwards, forearms and all.

    Reply ↓
    1. Anonosaurus*

      I agree with all of this advice but sanitiser alone isn’t going to prevent transmission of airborne viruses and it would be reasonable for LW to also mask/move away.

      LW in your position if you can afford it I’d get a portable HEPA filter and put it in your desk. this will increase the odds of you being infected by whatever your inconsiderate idiot of a boss is carrying.

      Reply ↓
      1. Triplestep*

        I think the advice was mainly meant to send constant reminder messages to the boss rather than prevent transmission of airborne viruses.

        Reply ↓
      2. Marion Ravenwood*

        Also the HEPA filter feels less like it’s singling the boss out (unless OP is using the sanitiser with everyone that comes to their desk). Whilst there’s nothing in the letter indicating the boss would get malicious about it, if they’re the only person who’s being offered sanitiser that could potentially raise some eyebrows, especially given boss’s level of seniority.

        Reply ↓
  4. Nodramalama*

    LW4 its interesting because if I had a work lunch or work party during lunch, I wouldn’t expect to take an additional break and would be quite confused if others did. By the same token, I’d also expect to be able to miss lunch if I had a pre-existing appointment.

    Reply ↓
      1. Lunch*

        Yes, but the reason real food is provided is because it’s meant to function as lunch. Otherwise they’d just have cake.

        Taking a second break is not normal practice at most offices.

        Reply ↓

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