I accidentally peed on a fabric chair at work, why have policies that aren’t enforced, and more

by Alison Green on February 3, 2025

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I accidentally peed on a fabric chair at work

I’m close to tears writing this. I was drinking some water at my desk and some of it went down the wrong tube, which led to a coughing fit. I coughed so hard that I peed. This is the first time this has ever happened and I’m mortified. Worse still, it happed on a specially ordered orthopedic chair with a cloth seat. And yes, the urine soak through. What do I do?!? I’m afraid if I tell my manger they’ll be horrified and wonder how I could possibly be incontinent. I don’t want to be the coworker who peed on the chair. Will I totally ruin my professional image? As much as I just want to not tell anyone I don’t think the chair is salvageable and it stinks of urine now. Someone is bound to notice. Do I have to change my name and live life as a hermit? Help!

You do not have to change your name and live as a hermit! You are a normal human with a normal human body, and normal human bodies sometimes do weird things. You are far from the only person who has had this happen. (Here are some other letters with similar stories if it helps!) Anyone who would hold this against you is a jerk; most people will just be sympathetic. (In fact, it’s entirely possible your manager or whoever you end up talking to about it will have had something similar happen to themselves at some point.)

Talk to the person who’s in charge of ordering furniture and say this: “I had a medical incident that unfortunately ruined the cloth seat of my chair, and I need to order a new one. What’s the process for doing that?”

2. Why have policies that aren’t enforced?

Having seen this in real life and reading about it frequently in your column, I’m curious: from a manager’s point of view, what’s the purpose of policies that aren’t enforced and when there’s no intent to enforce them? Why have these policies at all?

Obviously sometimes policies are made at a high level that’s detached from everyday operations, and managers don’t care about them, and no one will really notice they’re not enforced. But in situations where managers do have meaningful authority, what’s this all about? This could be dress codes, WFH vs working in the office, timeliness or absenteeism, or any kinds of procedures — situations where there’s a definite rule, something a manager says must or must not be done, but they openly ignore when the rules aren’t followed or refuse to enforce them.

Affected underlings sometimes have cynical interpretations of what’s going on here, but I’m curious what the people with authority think they’re doing.

There’s a bunch of explanations. Sometimes the policy was made by someone other than the manager and they don’t agree with it, or don’t think it’s a big enough deal to enforce (and may think it’s counter to more important goals, like treating good employees well). Sometimes the policy sounded right when it was made but has turned out not to be a big enough deal for anyone to bother enforcing it, and no one has gone back to revisit it. Sometimes they really should be enforcing it, but the manager is too wimpy or too negligent (those are the same thing, really) to do it.

Sometimes the policy wasn’t thought out well enough and so it doesn’t contain the nuance that the manager has in their head — for example, a manager might think “I need people to do X except in situations Y or Z” but they don’t bother to call out Y or Z as exceptions in the policy, so it looks like the policy is just going unenforced (or worse, being inconsistently enforced), whereas if they’d written the policy better their intent would have been clear.

And sometimes there’s more of a cumulative aspect to it — if you break the policy once or twice, it’s not a big deal, but if you’re breaking it all the time it’ll be more of a problem and worth addressing.

Related:
how strictly should managers enforce company policies?

3. My manager’s brain injury is causing problems on our team

My supervisor had a traumatic brain injury 11 months ago (workman’s comp). She has gotten treatment (sort of); she is very religious and delayed treatment based on her religious beliefs. After nearly a year, she is still out a lot, has memory issues, is late, is irritable, works remotely a lot, and has accommodations that — at least to our staff — are mysterious and undefined. Early on I stepped up, worked extra, helped out and went the extra mile. We had been friends before working together. Then about six months ago, she bit my head off, told me I had overstepped, and told me to stay in my lane. Fine — I went back to working my actual job and minding my own business. But she is clearly not okay. Now she flip flops between “I feel like we are estranged friends” and asking weird things like wanting to give me her password for a software program, which is strictly prohibited by institution policy. I am at my wits’ end.

This is above your pay grade to solve! Please talk to HR about what’s going on. Not to get your manager in trouble, but because these are problems that you can’t handle on your own, and someone above you needs to know what’s going on so they can step in and help (which could include coming up with more effective accommodations, connecting her with different support, changing the way your team is managed, or all sorts of other things).

4. Technology stipend purchases — my property or the company’s?

Two years ago I accepted a job that advertised, under the “Compensation and Perks” section of the job posting and official job description, a $1,500 technology stipend. In our negotiation emails, the owner of the firm said that the salary offer plus my professional development budget plus this technology budget “pushes you over (desired salary) for the year, with lots of room for upward mobility. Plus when you earn X certification, you’ll be eligible for a $5,000 raise.” I assumed — based on this correspondence and my spouse’s previous experiences with technology stipends — that I would have a budget of $1,500 to spend on whatever I wanted for tech for my home office, and that it would be mine to keep. There was no mention of returning the purchases at any point. And I did spend it on whatever I wanted (no instructions or guidance provided by the employer), which was a laptop, monitor, ergonomic keyboard and mouse, and some other smaller things specific to my home office. I submitted receipts for reimbursement.

Fast forward to last month, when I gave notice. The owner of the firm was very upset. He said many inappropriate and rude things to me, but what he did not say then, during my exit interview, or on my last day, was anything at all about returning the items I’d purchased two years earlier with this stipend. And I didn’t think anything of it, because I was under the impression that this stipend had been compensation.

My final paycheck had an error in it that shorted me about $150. It was a mistake due to negligence, not anything malicious, so after trying to resolve it with the payroll company directly, I reached out to my former employer because apparently only he can remedy the mistake. A month later, I checked back in to ask if he’d seen my email, and he replied quickly to say that he wants me to mail him my laptop and monitor, and then once he receives it he’ll Venmo me (?!) the mistakenly withheld wages plus the shipping costs.

I don’t even know how to reply. It seems retaliatory for him to be asking for this now (why didn’t he mention it literally at any point earlier?) and it doesn’t match my understanding of the stipend’s terms (which of course aren’t written down anywhere). Not to mention that Venmo’ing me seems like a weird thing to do — the $150 is supposed to be taxable income.

What do you think? Is it worth even pointing out to him that he’d offered the stipend to me as part of my compensation package? Would it be egregious to tell him that I’m unwilling to handle the packaging and front the postage costs myself, but if he sends me packaging with prepaid labels I’ll send the items back?

Some companies with technology stipends do require the items to be returned when you leave, but they clearly spell that out so you know. I suspect that is not how your manager intended it since if the plan was for you to return the items all along, it wouldn’t have made any sense to include it in “pushing your salary over $X” (just like you don’t include the cost of other work-provided equipment in your salary calculations). Plus he didn’t say anything about returning it until you asked him to remedy the payroll error and when he was already upset about you leaving.

You could reply to him, “My understanding from our negotiations when I was hired was that the stipend was part of my compensation, and there was no discussion of those items being returned. If you documented something different, I am happy to take a look at it (although would then ask that you prepay for the shipping back so that I’m not covering that myself). Meanwhile, for the payroll error, I don’t think we can Venmo it — it needs to be through payroll so that taxes are taken out correctly and so the state has a record of it. Thanks for handling it, I appreciate it.”

You might also look up your state’s law on final pay and when it’s due and what the penalties are if it’s late, just so you have that in your pocket if you need it. (Google the of your state and “final paycheck law” with no quotes.)

5. What state do I file for unemployment in?

Federal employee here. I live in State A and work in State B. If/when the axe falls, do I apply for unemployment benefits in State A, State B, or (for whatever reason) Washington, D.C.?

You apply for unemployment in the state you worked in.

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{ 44 comments }

{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Christina*

    LW#1: I know it’s hard to believe this now, but it will be okay! Years ago, my first week on the job when I was still training, my workplace had a blood drive. I had never given blood before but I was eager to help and to also be a team player so on my lunch break I went and donated blood in the van in the parking lot. Unfortunately, my blood pressure dropped too rapidly, I started going into shock (technically vasovagal reaction, but similar symptoms) and convulsing, and the next thing I remember is waking up on the ground having pissed my pants. I had taken the bus to work so I couldn’t even just leave. I had to call my roommate to bring clean clothes to me at work and just hid in the bathroom with piss pants until they got there. My co-workers were absolutely nothing but sympathetic and not a single person ever teased me about it or made me feel bad about it in any way, and I worked there two more years before moving on. Biological events happen! We’re humans with human bodies! Your employer will understand that. Solidarity!

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    1. Heidi*

      I agree with this. When LW’s are predicting these terrible outcomes, like “people will be horrified and judge me forever for this,” I always wonder, “Is that what you would do if it were happening to someone else?” I’m guessing not. If this helps at all, my sister’s water broke while she was sitting in her office chair. They replaced it and no one said anything.

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      1. Ellie*

        My breast leaked while I was at my desk, in an open plan office, when I was in my first week back from maternity leave. I work almost exclusively with male engineers who for the most part are not known for being tactful communicators. No one ever said a word about it, and they were all extremely kind as I re-found my feet.

        I promise you OP#1, unless you work with a bunch of psychopaths, no one is going to judge you for this.

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      2. Michigander*

        I think a lot of the time we still have the mindset of what would have happened when we were young. Pee on your chair in middle school and you will inevitably be made fun of. Pee on your chair in college and eh, 50/50. Pee on your chair as an adult, most people have enough compassion and experience by that point to feel sympathetic and understanding.

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    2. Arrietty*

      Yup, I’ve passed out and wet myself in public twice. Not fun, not cool, but I was the person most bothered by it by far. (In my case there was a medical issue.)

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  2. FunkyMunky*

    #1 – I’d low key pre-treat it with something like what people use at home on pet urine? at least to kill the smell (Enzymatic cleaner). hopefully no need to ask for a new chair, I wouldn’t be comfortable having that conversation either

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    1. Metal Gru*

      This is my thought too, I’m not sure exactly what I would use but there are “cleaning influencer” forums etc with loads of resources that will have an answer. If it was LWs own chair at home rather than a company one they probably wouldn’t go straight to replacing it.

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      1. Ellephant*

        The product “MyPetPeed” will make it like this never happened! Legit miracle product. I would check the label and spot test a small inconspicuous area first to make sure it doesn’t ruin the material, but I have used it pretty indiscriminately and never had an issue. It’s a hydrogen peroxide based product, but is somehow even more effective at disappearing anything organic without a trace.

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        1. Try Hydrogen Peroxide*

          Yes, hydrogen peroxide works. The plain stuff you get at a drug store not only made the smell and stain disappear, it’s also a disinfectant. Worked like a charm for me on a mattress.

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    2. TMarin*

      I found this recipe on line. I’d stay late one night, or late Friday afternoon, and spray it and see what happens. But, to tag onto what others have said, it’s probably less of a deal than it has expanded to in your mind.
      Old urine stains
      In a bowl, mix 10 ounces of 3% hydrogen peroxide, 3 tablespoons of recently opened baking soda and two to three drops of dishwashing liquid. Mix until the baking soda is dissolved. Pour into a spray bottle. Pre-test the upholstery by spraying some cleaner in an inconspicuous place.

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    3. knitted feet*

      Yeah I’ve done this on a child’s mattress and it came out perfect. Enzymatic cleaner made for pet urine is good stuff!

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  3. Regina Philange*

    LW 1: this type of thing has happened to me enough times that I now have an entire desk drawer with extra stuff in it. I have a non descript tote bag stuffed info my desk drawer that contains: underwear, leggings, a t shirt, pads, baby wipes, and – this is the most ridiculous but important item – a couple pairs of depends. I also keep a cardigan at my desk for warmth but it also comes in handy if I need to cover up the spare t shirt that I’ve had to put on. now, if you do this, you will prob never have to use it. but I bet it’ll make you feel less worried about potential emergencies!

    I had pneumonia a while ago, and for like a month I was coughing and peeing at the same time, constantly. I also spill a lot so extra clothes are just practical.

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    2. Sleeve McQueen*

      Two children later, I also worry about this stuff. Aside from having to stop dramatically and cross my legs if I am about to sneeze, I also find that wearing the light-range period underwear gives me a little bit more reassurance.

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      1. Lucy*

        My gynaecologist taught me to stand up straight and rotate my upper body to the right before coughing or sneezing. This prevents the pelvic floor from pressing down on the bladder and isn’t as obvious a per- prevention strategy as crossing your legs. I can confirm it works.

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        2. knitted feet*

          Oh good tip! I’m usually good until the third consecutive sneeze but after that all bets are off. This is useful to know.

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      2. Emmy Noether*

        This is the public service announcement I always feel compelled to make when this topic comes up: pelvic floor reeducation is really helpful, and everyone should do it after childbirth (yes, also after a caesarian)! Check if your health insurance reimburses it as a preventative measure, or else I’m sure there are cheap or free resources to be found online (not as good as in person, but better than nothing).

        It’s much more sophisticated than “just” Kegels. You learn to recognize and control your pelvic muscles, learn how to gently strengthen them and not stress them. No sports than involve jumping or even running for at least 6 months after birth, and be careful after that. Sitting hunched over is bad. Sports that involve balance are good, as is horseback riding and belly dancing. Core strengthening (Pilates, Yoga) is good, but you have to do the exercises in a way that your core isn’t pushing against your pelvic floor. If you can find classes that specialize in new mothers, that’s good.

        You also learn how to mitigate the effect of a sneeze. When you feel it coming, straighten the torso to give the lungs room, lightly activate the pelvic floor to hold against the pressure.

        I know this sounds like one more of those “Optimize Your Life!” things that goddess knows mothers can do without. I’m not doing my daily exercises diligently either. But really just learning about it and knowing how to access those muscles (which were completely mysterious to me before) helps immensely. And knowing that incontinence is not a life sentence!

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    3. Michigander*

      I’ve had two kids in the last four years. Now every time I get a cold I have to remember to wear extra protection because inevitably I will pee myself a little bit after a bad cough.

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  4. Honey cocoa*

    LW1, yes, you might just need a new chair. But as someone whose dealt with animal, toddler and senior incontinece it may be worth trying an enzyme cleaner. If you can come in on a weekend morning, apply a bunch of enzyme cleaner and let it sit all weekend, it might be salvageable. And it might not. I’m so sorry this happened to you. We are all human and our bodies don’t cooperate sometimes. Take good care.

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    1. Artemesia*

      Anti Icky Poo is very effective for these stains. I have tried them all after an elderly cat seriously soaked a new guest bed before I discovered it. I tried several enzyme cleaners and this is the one that actually worked. It took a few thorough soaks/sprays but it did work.

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      1. GammaGirl1908*

        I worked with a cat behaviorist when I had a cat that was eliminating inappropriately, and she highly recommended Anti-Icky Poo. It is powerful enough that cats and dogs can no longer smell where they eliminated.

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  6. phira*

    LW1, I haven’t had this specific problem at work, but I have IBD and have had very obvious accidents while literally in the middle of teaching. Like, mid-sentence. It’s mortifying but you will be okay, I promise! I honestly don’t even think about any of my accidents anymore unless LWs write in with similar issues, and then I chime in to let them know they’re not alone.

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  7. PDB*

    LW5:If you work in one state and live in another, you claim unemployment in the state you live in. I did it once. It’s called an interstate claim and it’s a PITA.

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    1. RCB*

      That’s why you don’t file where you live, file where you work. I live and work in different states and filed in the state where I worked, not lived. They have your records so it’s much quicker, if you file where you live then it is the pain like you found it to be.

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    2. Whoosie whatsie*

      I read that wrong and was imagining a scenario where you go into the unemployment office to file a “PITA claim”.

      Reply ↓
  8. Suze*

    Question #2. In my experience the most common reason for this is to give power to managers an excuse to get rid of problematic employees if needed. Normally the manager doesn’t enforce pesky rules to submit every receipt for every expense or be in the office 8 hours a day 4 days a week etc, but if they want to get rid of somebody they can enforce every little rule and make their lives unbearable until they quit.

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    1. Metal Gru*

      As a manager there are lots of things I don’t enforce but could if I chose to or needed to. Management discretion. It does make me wonder though, because I talk to other managers who have different styles and are more sticklers for the rules about things like lateness (where it doesn’t have an actual impact) and I start thinking is it “fair” that different groups of people managed by different people get held to different standards. I don’t know the answer to that one but if this ever comes up, of course I would say this is due to my decisions, rather than throw them under the bus.

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      1. linger*

        It’s not fair to employees when they are transferred under a manager who enforces the rules differently. Under those conditions it really should be each manager’s responsibility to spell out to their reports exactly where they are and aren’t enforcing discretionary rules, and also to be clear to the employee where other managers may treat those rules differently.
        Two particular caveats, though:
        1. Rules that exist to promote worker safety should be enforced, with minimal discretion given to individual managers.
        2. Managers should be consistent, and provide both advance warning and justification for any change in enforcement. Indulging in some strategy of suddenly shifting to enforce said rules on certain employees (e.g. to force them out) is dishonest and disrespectful.

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        1. Kisa*

          Well, I agree with linger; all emplyees deserve to know the rules they are expected to follow, as clearly as possible. As in “the corporate standard is X, in my team we do Y, because Z”.

          But i think its important that managers have some autonomy to dictate how they enforce the rules. Especially in big companies with various responsibilities and occupations, no amount of wording can make the rules apply to all possible teams and individual situations. And a team manager, or whoever is in charge of individual processes should be able to use some consideration. The goal should be that the processes run smoothly and employees experience equity.

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  9. Eryn*

    LW4: Is the $1500 reflected on your W2 from your first year? If it is, that’s your stuff. If it’s not, it may still be yours, but there would be a super clear cut path forward if you paid taxes on it.

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    1. Roland*

      Right, I want to know if you were taxed on your reimbursement amount. Check your paystubs. If that’s the case, they are welcome to have it back once they refund you for (your highest tax bracket) percent of 1500.

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      1. Roland*

        Oh, plus an extra amount of money to offset the taxes on this new refund if they’re going to be using payroll to send it.

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  10. Honey Badger*

    I was on my time of month and had a huge, gushing accident all over the fabric chair, my clothes, the floor. I stood up like Carrie and coworkers came to help me, bring towels. No one cared. No one brought it up again. The chair was professionally cleaned. You’re human. We leak.

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  11. Lizzshi*

    LW1, unfortunately, I had a similar issue (although on my couch at home, not at work) when I had COVID. Nature’s Miracle worked well.

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    1. Try Hydrogen Peroxide*

      This was my situation, too. Covid, in bed and on the carpet. As mentioned in my other comment, hydrogen peroxide did the trick.

      Reply ↓
  12. Nodramalama*

    In my experience, a policy is often there to used when it’s needed but isn’t always. It’s there when someone says “well who says I can’t do this?” oh, it’s in writing. If someone is late once or twice, ok. The manager uses their discretion. But when someone is always late, there is a policy there.

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  13. Username required*

    LW1 – easiest thing to do is drop a large beverage of your choice on the chair – oops, clean up at desk 1. Black coffee will stain. Flat white or cappuccino will smell because of the milk.

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  14. Famous Amos*

    Traumatic brain injuries are an emotional nightmare. Side effects can be changes in personality and temperament, new sensitivity to light, sound, smell, and so much more. I hope somebody in the office can help with the understanding the tbi recovery is extremely serious and it can take months or years. It’s a medical issue, not a personal one.

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    1. Samantha Parkington*

      The problem is that her coworkers are now having to navigate it with no information because relevant facts about her accommodations are known to her superiors but not the people who actually have to work with her so they don’t even know where the missing stairs are.

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  15. bamcheeks*

    I have another one for the Bad Policy file: when a manager introduces a Policy rather than actively managing one or two people.

    I had a job a few years ago which was full of this– details have been changed but this is the gist. We had a front desk that was supposed to be covered 8-5pm every weekday, although it would often get closed on Monday mornings and Friday afternoons due to other activities going on in that space. 18 out of twenty people did this perfectly happily, just signing up for 2-3 hours a week, swapping shifts if something came up, and it was all fine. However, Rod, Jane and Freddy consistently avoided scheduling their shifts, didn’t schedule them until the last minute, never picked up swapped shifts, or deliberately scheduled them at times when the desk was most likely to be closed/unavailable. This was noticed, and a few people grumbled about it to their managers.

    The senior manager above my level didn’t like to come down too heavily on individuals, so his solution was to institute A Policy that everyone had to do a minimum of 6 hours a fortnight. I joined as a manager when the policy had been in place for about six months, and it was a flipping nightmare to administer. People were constantly anxious about not making their six hours a fortnight; they would come to me in a panic because they really needed an hour this afternoon to get some other work done and there were already two people scheduled on this afternoon but if they didn’t do their shift they wouldn’t make six hours; they would complain about the desk being shut because they were worried they wouldn’t get their six hours in; I had people working overtime because they had to get their six hours on the desk and they stay late to finish another piece of work. We spent RIDICULOUS amounts of time in team meetings with people trading off their shifts to make sure they hit exactly six hours in a fortnight and not seven or five, and we often had three people on the front desk where we only needed two.

    I told my team not to worry so much about the six hours, and that it was a guide rather than a rule. But it was written down as Policy, and everyone was paranoid that if they weren’t complying, they’d be On A List. (It’s fair to say there were other issues at play, as well.)

    To me it was really obvious that a better fix would have been more actively managing Rod, Jane and Freddy, and their managers tracking them for a few months to make sure they were doing a broad spread of shifts and averaging the same as the rest of the team. To me it was ridiculous to have something so formal in place for what should have been much more lightly managed when 90% of the team was absolutely fine.

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  16. sswj*

    LW3 – Definitely go to HR. These are classic symptoms of a still-healing TBI, and it can take a long time and a lot of work (as in professional help) to teach the brain new pathways and develop coping skills. My husband had a TBI and it was a good 2-3 years before he was as close to ‘normal’ as he’ll ever be. Some things are still more difficult than they used to be, and 7 years later he’s still learning new habits to deal with his altered brain. FWIW, he work a professional job and does well, but it has been a long road to healing.
    And the thing about brain injuries is that the affected person can NOT recognize (in the moment, anyway) that they are not functioning well. Their brain isn’t working right, and all those assessment skills are buried under the larger effort of just existing at all.
    I hope she will accept help because there is a lot that can be done, but it’s a long road.

    Reply ↓

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