interview felt like an exam, HR is sending everyone Valentine’s Day candy “from” other coworkers, and more

by Alison Green on February 13, 2025

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Interview felt like an exam

I had my first job interview in over 20 years yesterday, and it felt like an exam. Five people peppered me with a long list of questions, mostly hypotheticals. None of the questions were about my experience or my training. Only a couple were about what I had to offer the employer. The rest were, “What would you do if [thing that has never happened to me in all my many years working in this field] happened?”

The thing was, I found myself answering all the questions not with what I would do, but with what Ms. Perfect would do, if she had a textbook to refer to while the crisis was unfolding.

In the long ago past, I’ve had interviews that were more like “This is what we need someone to do. Have you done it before? Do you know how?”

It left a bad taste in my mouth and left me wondering if I wanted to work with these people, although they seemed nice on the whole. Am I off-base here? Have interviews become more like this since I was last in the hot seat? Should I be studying lists of hypothetical questions?

I’m not a fan of hypothetical questions in most interviews since they’re often easy for candidates to bluff their way through. Interviewers generally learn a lot more by probing into what people have actually done in situations they have actually experienced — which is why “tell me about a time when…” questions are used so much.

That said, I’m even less a fan of “have you done X before?” or “do you know how to do X?” because anyone can respond to that with “yes” and it tells you nothing about their real-life abilities. Maybe they’ve done X but badly! Maybe they saw someone else do X and are confident they can too, when it takes more practice to do well.

It sounds like these people just aren’t great at interviewing … but that’s pretty common. I’d pay more attention to what you’ve learned about the job, the manager, the culture, and the experiences of people working there. And if you don’t feel like you have a good sense of those things yet, ask plenty of your own questions before you accept an offer.

2. HR is sending everyone Valentine’s Day candy grams … from other coworkers

I work in a niche section of the healthcare industry at a medium-sized company. For a variety of reasons, I am currently looking for a different job. One of the things upsetting me is that our HR department (which is all of two people, one of whom is the daughter of the VP in charge of HR, which is a whole other issue) is trying and failing to improve company morale with more and more “events” instead of substantive changes like paper towels in the bathrooms or pay increases. Last week, there was a rock-paper-scissors tournament during the workday, and in a late afternoon email the day before we were told it was an “opt out” event — if you didn’t opt out, you were pulled away from your job up to three or four times in a couple hours to play rock-paper-scissors against someone else in the company, even if you were remote, in a bracketed tournament until someone finally won a previously-undisclosed prize of a basket of cleaning supplies. This week is the annual chili cook-off, which may or may not have a prize (it has one out of three times, and it has not been announced if there is one this year).

We just received an email stating that the company is sending candy grams to everyone for Valentine’s Day, and to “support” that, everyone has been randomly assigned a coworker to write a Valentine’s message for and it will be signed from us, not the company. I don’t even exchange valentines with my partner of a decade, much less with a coworker I have never met in person! I know this is trying to be nice, and I feel like pushing back is being a party pooper, but I feel really weird about it. I remember in school when some kids would get candy grams and get a bunch of nice personal messages, and others would get none or only one from the teacher, and that was always sad and awkward. I don’t want to make my coworker feel sad or awkward with a generic message, but I don’t know them outside of auditing their work!

I don’t know how to approach this at all, either to participate or to try and argue against doing it. In the past, my boss has been very resistant to passing on feedback to other departments, especially HR, and she strongly encourages our department to participate in all company events, up to and including guilting us about missing them or opting out. I don’t care if the company wants to give everyone candy — just sign it from the company, not me!

Yes, this is weird. But there’s no reason your message with the card can’t just be “Happy Valentine’s Day!” This is different from the school dynamic where it’s seen as a popularity contest, and I don’t think anyone will be sad not to get a more personal message from a random colleague … and I suspect a lot of people, maybe all, will be writing something similarly bland.

That said, if it’s possible to opt out (it’s not clear if it is) and you want to do that, you should feel free to! You can do that with feedback attached (“I’m uncomfortable sending Valentine’s greetings to coworkers so please don’t include me in sending or receiving”) or without it. If you think your boss will care, you could simply say to her, “I try to participate in company events, but I prefer to opt out of this one.”

3. Assistant always prioritizes my peer’s projects over mine

I work in a small office where support staff are in teams, and I have a dedicated secretary and a dedicated assistant (“Abby”). The issue I’m dealing with is Abby supports me and two others. Abby openly favors “Lucas,” who is my equivalent but much less experienced (think 25 years versus three years in the field). Abby will focus on and complete tasks and projects for Lucas first, and my projects will go on the back burner. When I press for updates or ask our supervisor for assistance, I’m told that Abby is very busy and to see if the other assistants can help. Because I’m not always privy to exact details, and I don’t want to create an adversarial office environment, I’ve started to just give Abby hard deadlines, whereas before I was more flexible to give her autonomy to avoid micromanaging her workflow. (I just started doing that, so I don’t know yet if it will work. But she has not responded to my new emails with the hard deadlines which might be a sign of resistance.)

Our supervisor favors Abby and has openly defended her and made excuses for her, so he is not going to step in. What should I be doing? I’m frustrated and demoralized.

I wish it was a couple of weeks from now so that we’d know if giving the deadlines was going to solve this, because it’s possible that it will. But meanwhile, one tweak I’d make to that plan: can you talk to Abby in person when giving her work so that you can say, “I need this back by (deadline). Is that doable?” so that you’re getting an answer from her on the spot?

If that doesn’t work, can you ask to be assigned a different assistant? If it’s true that Abby is very busy, as your manager says, and can’t compete your work on time, it’s entirely reasonable to ask for an assistant who can. And if you can’t get a different assistant, then it’s reasonable to meet with Abby and Lucas together and ask to figure out some protocols for prioritizing work so that you’re not the one who always gets short shrift.

4. Nose-picking boss

Over the years, I’ve had two different managers who openly pick their noses. It’s disgusting and I’m wondering if there’s an appropriate way to let them know how noticeable and off-putting the behavior is? I’m not talking about a discreet “scratch.” This is full-on digging, examining, flicking, and repeating going on. Years ago I experienced it in person and at one point offered my boss a box of Kleenex from my desk, which he declined and continued picking. Currently it’s happening on Zoom meetings (different company and manager). Both managers have very public-facing roles and general awareness of social decorum … they just both seem to be unaware of this behavior.

WTF?

When you’re in person, offering someone a tissue is a polite way of handling it and should alert them to the issue. If that doesn’t work, you could just hand them a tissue while saying, “Here, let me give you this.”

But over Zoom and when it’s your boss, there’s not much you can do. Video conferencing software really needs to start offering non-hosts a “remove this person from view” option for other participants on the call.

5. Can an employer make you use FMLA for weekly medical appointments?

Our HR team at work is typically stellar, but I’m confused about a recent announcement they made. They said if someone has a weekly medical appointment (i.e., physical or mental health therapy), they will deduct an hour from the person’s sick leave balance and an hour from the person’s FMLA balance. Is it correct that you can have time deducted from two places for one appointment?

Yes. FMLA isn’t a form of paid leave; it’s job protection. It allows you to have up to 12 weeks off per year (for qualifying reasons) without putting your job at risk, but it’s not a separate bank of leave and employers can require it to be used concurrently with your PTO.

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{ 327 comments }

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  1. Off Plumb*

    Re #5, wouldn’t it also depend on what the appointment is for? Not all health or mental health conditions are FMLA-qualifying, and not all recurring appointments are for health conditions (like, weekly couples counseling vs therapy for depression). Can you really say that you’re unable to work due to a serious health condition when you’re getting, say, allergy shots?

    Reply ↓
    1. Cmdrshprd*

      “Can you really say that you’re unable to work due to a serious health condition when you’re getting, say, allergy shots?”

      I’m not an FMLA expert but I would say
      that yes during the time you are going to/at he doctor getting the allergy shot you are unable to work. unless you bring a computer with you and/or can work off your phone. I don’t know that it would count as a “serious health condition” maybe depending on the severity.

      Reply ↓
      1. Samwise*

        Yeah, but that’s just ordinary sick leave.

        Forcing an employee to use up the often limited amount of FML is not in the spirit of the law, and can be a way of subverting it — if you’re forced to use it for routine health appointments, you could easily use up enough of the allowed FML hours to put to yourself in the position of not having enough to cover a serious health situation.

        Reply ↓
        1. Cmdrshprd*

          “that’s just ordinary sick leave.”

          Eh not necessarily intermittent FMLA for recurring conditions/treatments is a valid thing to require FMLA use for.

          Like a weekly medical appointment for ongoing treatment of a bodily medical condition like dialysis/PT or weekly therapy appointment for depression.

          If it’s more of a once a year or twice a year thing I agree it probably is not FMLA eligible. Why allergy shot I think is dependent on severity, if you go once or twice a year probably not FMLA eligible but if you have to go weekly for frequent allergy testing follow up and/or for weekly allergy shots/exposure therapy it probably is FMLA eligible.

          Reply ↓
      2. RedinSC*

        I do work during the waiting time for my allergy shot. But, it’s still a monthly appointment, I have to drive to it, get the shot, wait 30 minutes, and then drive back to work.

        But in the 30 minutes I’m working, so it’s about 30 minutes of out of office and 30 minutes of working.

        BUT that’s just my allergy shot, I don’t know if it would qualify for FMLA or not. I thought that was for a “specific” purpose. SO regular medical stuff wouldn’t be that, but the time doing X would?

        Reply ↓
      1. Off Plumb*

        “Ongoing” is not the same as “serious.” This is what it says in the Department of Labor Employee Guide:

        “You may take FMLA leave to care for your spouse, child or parent
        who has a serious health condition, or when you are unable to work
        because of your own serious health condition.
        The most common serious health conditions that qualify for FMLA
        leave are:
        1) conditions requiring an overnight stay in a hospital or other
        medical care facility;
        2) conditions that incapacitate you or your family member (for
        example, unable to work or attend school) for more than three
        consecutive days and require ongoing medical treatment
        (either multiple appointments with a health care provider, or
        a single appointment and follow-up care such as prescription
        medication);
        3) chronic conditions that cause occasional periods when you or
        your family member are incapacitated and require treatment
        by a health care provider at least twice a year; and
        4) pregnancy (including prenatal medical appointments,
        incapacity due to morning sickness, and medically required
        bed rest).

        I’m going through administrator opinions now, because I’m curious and putting off going to bed, and it certainly seems like, in order to qualify, something must be disabling for an extended period (more than three days) and also require ongoing medical care. Simply being ongoing wouldn’t qualify. But I’m certainly not an expert.

        Reply ↓
        1. HR lady*

          I work with this every day.

          Allergies qualify if they require “continuing treatment by a healthcare provider,” which is what allergy shots are. (See 5 CFR 630.1202.)

          Marriage counseling could qualify if the marital issues are causing a diagnosable mental health condition for the employee.

          Reply ↓
          2. Off Plumb*

            Thank you! I can see that I was putting too much weight on how “serious” was being interpreted. As with most things, five minutes with a search engine are no substitute for expertise and experience.

            Reply ↓
        2. Cmdrshprd*

          But intermittent is a real use of FMLA

          “(Q) Can I continue to use FMLA for leave due to my chronic serious health condition?

          Under the regulations, employees continue to be able to use FMLA leave for any period of incapacity or treatment due to a chronic serious health condition. The regulations continue to define a chronic serious health condition as one that (1) requires “periodic visits” for treatment by a health care provider or nurse under the supervision of the health care provider, (2) continues over an extended period of time, and (3) may cause episodic rather than continuing periods of incapacity. The regulations clarify this definition by defining “periodic visits” as at least twice a year.”

          “Intermittent/reduced leave schedule
          (Q) Does an employee have to take leave all at once or can it be taken periodically or to reduce the employee’s schedule?

          When it is medically necessary, employees may take FMLA leave intermittently – taking leave in separate blocks of time for a single qualifying reason – or on a reduced leave schedule – reducing the employee’s usual weekly or daily work schedule. When leave is needed for planned medical treatment, the employee must make a reasonable effort to schedule treatment so as not to unduly disrupt the employer’s operation.”

          Reply ↓
          1. It's Me*

            This is the type of FMLA I’ve had most recently. I was in a job that I ultimately left for health-related reasons, but while I was there was utilizing Intermittent FMLA for asthma. Two other coworkers, that I knew about, had it for migraines. We could take the day of the attack or any doctor appointments related to it as FMLA days. If I needed a different medical appointment, not associated with asthma, I’d take sick leave but not hit the FMLA. So I would question if the weekly appointments in the letter are all associated with the health issue, or if they just happened to line up and are not for the FMLA reason.

            Reply ↓
        3. Off Plumb*

          Based on 29 CFR 825.115 (the Act itself), it’s a question of how incapacitating the condition is. If your allergies would make you not just miserable but unable to work on a recurring basis, then allergy shots might qualify. Your doctor would have to certify that your allergies count as a serious health condition. I don’t see how something like counseling or therapy not tied to a diagnosis would qualify.

          (I’ve taken FMLA for mental health in the past. I’ve also had regular PT appointments for non-incapacitating pain, regular PT appointments for actually incapacitating pain, and lots and lots of recurring mental health treatments. It would suck to have a shorter period of FMLA protection when I was unable to work for weeks at a time because I had to use it for routine appointments. Of course, I also flexed my schedule around the routine appointments; I didn’t use sick time for them.)

          Reply ↓
            1. Off Plumb*

              Yes, and it means if someone is juggling a mild chronic condition that needs regular treatment, and a more serious condition that can be fully disabling, they might not be as protected, and it sucks.

              Reply ↓
              1. misspiggy*

                That’s a really shocking one for me to learn about across the pond. How are chronically ill people who can work but need health care time to be protected once the FMLA time runs out?

                Reply ↓
                2. AlsoADHD*

                  Even without FMLA (say you had not worked for the company a year first) or after it runs out, ADA accommodation for leave or flexible scheduling might protect. But it would depend on if the employer could argue it was undue hardship, as well as other circumstances.

                3. Bast*

                  Honestly, many either end up losing their jobs or forgoing the care they need. So many companies act like you have this condition SOLELY to burden them and not that you’re a human being with complex needs who would probably choose to NOT have the issue if given the choice.

                4. Eldritch Office Worker*

                  Many chronically ill or disabled people in the US who would be able to work under modified working conditions are not able to stay employed for this reason.

          2. Annie*

            I guess I don’t understand the benefit of FMLA if you’re using your PTO already. Is it just protection if your employer is going to complain about you taking so much time off for something as regular as a weekly one-hour appointment?
            That would be a pretty awful employer in the first place, since one hour is not a big deal (I guess maybe moreso for a non-salaried person).
            But otherwise just taking the time off and having an employer that is understanding shouldn’t be a big deal (key word: shouldn’t).

            Reply ↓
            1. Arglebarglor*

              as a manager AND a medical provider, I always advise staff to apply for FMLA if they are repeatedly applying for planned sick time (ie regular doctor’s visits and I include therapy in this classification). We have some really inflexible policies that require documentation for each visit if they have more than two absences a month etc etc. It sucks to have to ask for a note for every visit, so I suggest staff protect themselves by doing FMLA, because it gets it away from ME having to ask them and it’s all privately handled by HR, so I don’t need to know what is going on with their private medical/mental health care. In addition, this means that staff can schedule their frequent appointments in advance and request their time off so we don’t have to reschedule patients or scramble for coverage at the last minute. Of course, some FMLA covered things are not schedulable, but at least I don’t have to be the bad guy by having annoying conversations about what is going on over and over and over. It also won’t affect their annual review.
              As a medical provider, I have zero problem completing FMLA forms for my patients as long as they are getting the proper care. Stressed out at work and need some time off? Sure, as long as you are seeing a therapist. Sudden death in the family and you can’t handle working while grieving but your job only gives you three days off? Let’s figure out how much time you do need. Need time off intermittently bc your kid (who is my patient) has asthma that we are trying to get under control and is missing school and you don’t have childcare? Of course. Having gender-affirming (or any) surgery? YEP!

              Reply ↓
            2. fhqwhgads*

              Yes that’s exactly what it’s for. To protect your job if your employer wants to complain you have regular recurring appointments.
              And yes, it is awful, but many employers are awful even though we have a law and would be more awful if we didn’t.

              Reply ↓
        4. I'm just here for the cats!!*

          You can have intermittent FMLA if the condition qualifies. I think many would but not all. For example, I had IBS and would have flareups I would take the day off. But if someone is just having regular therapy appointments (and doesn’t have a chronic/serious condition like depression) or something like allergy shots I don’t think that would qualify. I also think something like chiropractor appointments or physical therapy wouldn’t qualify because your not incapacitating you and are not unable to work.

          Either way, the person has to have completed the FMLA paperwork and they have to qualify for it with the employer agreeing that weekly appointments are

          Reply ↓
          1. Banana Pyjamas*

            I think even chiropractic could be covered. I received chiro/massage/pt (all one practice) for an issue during pregnancy that prevented me from walking. Chiro et. all enabled me to walk. However, I used comp time and didn’t qualify for FMLA due to less than one year of service. Also plenty of people with issues like scoliosis and EDS use chiro to manage their chronic conditions.

            Reply ↓
          2. Arglebarglor*

            The person who decides if it’s qualified is the applicant’s health care or mental health provider. As a matter of fact, in California, the provider can’t even write what is wrong with the patient or a diagnosis on the form because of privacy issues. I am often very obtuse when filling out these forms for patients–especially bc I work with people w HIV and HIV is such a protected category that I don’t even say what their diagnosis is half the time. DISABILITY forms (like for short or long term disability) require more specific descriptions and diagnosis codes.

            Reply ↓
    3. LaminarFlow*

      I have used intermittent FMLA at a previous company, and I am glad my manager suggested it. My company didn’t deduct sick time while using it.

      I had plenty of sick time to use, so it wasn’t the biggest deal for me in terms of saving my job. But, another employee ended up needing to use intermittent FMLA, and it absolutely saved his job.

      Allergy shots and mental health counseling would have fallen under the FMLA policy at my previous company – any recurring health situation or appointment qualified, and managers were generally appreciative of any advance notice of recurring appointments.

      Reply ↓
    4. Observer*

      Can you really say that you’re unable to work due to a serious health condition when you’re getting, say, allergy shots?

      What makes you assume that allergies are not a serious health condition? Allergies range from mild annoyances to literally life threatening and highly life limiting.

      Reply ↓
      1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        I took that serious health condition reference to refer to the act of getting the shots, not the allergy. I don’t have them and don’t know what getting the shot does to one’s ability to work.

        Reply ↓
    5. The Bureaucrat*

      I have an employee who is currently on FMLA, although still working every day. I only deduct FMLA hours if he is out for a reason directly related to the reason he in on FMLA. For example, I don’t deduct FMLA hours if he is out at a dentist appointment. This is how our HR guided me to do it.

      Reply ↓
  2. Samwise*

    In my experience, FML is requested by the employee— it is not something the employer can insist on and force an employee to use. I’ve put off starting FML when I was not yet sure how much I’d need to take — better to save it for something dire than to fritter it away on routine appointments. (I’ve used FML six times in the past 20 years, sometimes continuous and sometimes intermittent ). I did have to use my PTO for the times I was in FML.

    If I were this OP I’d take a good look at the rules and perhaps consult an employment attorney.

    Reply ↓
      1. AlsoADHD*

        I do think they’d still need paperwork of some kind rather than to just “deduct” it but I’m assuming that’s what’s happening in LW’s case (the company has a policy, you are notified and complete paperwork, not just it’s secretly deducted). You usually have to be told and complete forms.

        Reply ↓
        1. Annony*

          This is for weekly medical appointments, not one offs. So I’m guessing they will simply deny the time off unless the paperwork is submitted.

          Reply ↓
        2. doreen*

          They don’t , actually. According to the actual regulation

          If the employer has sufficient information to designate the leave as FMLA leave immediately after receiving notice of the employee’s need for leave, the employer may provide the employee with the designation notice at that time.

          There are ways to get around it in some circumstances – for example, if I’m having minor surgery and I expect to be back to work in two weeks , my employer can’t require me to use FMLA if I ask for two week’s vacation without mentioning anything medical. ( I know people who did this to avoid needing documentation to return to work) But that’s not going to work in a lot of jobs if you are taking an hour off every Wednesday long-term. There may be no problem for months until something happens- there’s some all- day training or meeting and at that point, you may either have to say it’s ongoing medical treatment or not get the time off.

          Reply ↓
      2. Totally Minnie*

        Yup. I had minor surgery about 15 years ago, and my doctor only expected me to be out for a few days, so the idea of FMLA didn’t even occur to me. But when I gave my office the surgery date, they gave me the FMLA paperwork and told me to have my doctor’s office fill it out and return it. They require it for all surgical procedures that require someone to miss work, no matter how minor or how small the amount of work missed will be.

        I will say it felt very strange to early-career me to be told by my HR department “fill out this paperwork so we can’t fire you unjustly,” because it does make you question whether they were actually planning to fire you unjustly…

        Reply ↓
        1. Ex-Teacher*

          >I will say it felt very strange to early-career me to be told by my HR department “fill out this paperwork so we can’t fire you unjustly,” because it does make you question whether they were actually planning to fire you unjustly…

          I’d bet it’s more a situation where they insist on it for everyone so that they have proof of following the rules when they do have to terminate people. If they can show that they go out of their way to follow the rules and ensure people’s rights are respected, it helps show they’re credible if an employee accuses them of not respecting employee rights.

          Reply ↓
          1. JustCuz*

            I think they probably were requiring this due to the fact that complications after the fact can occur. So if they already have your FLMA paperwork, you and they do not have to worry about that in the event something did go wrong and you needed to be out longer than expected. And yes, overtime the FMLA paperwrk would be used to assess letting someone go, so having it up front just in case makes sense.

            Reply ↓
          2. Totally Minnie*

            Right. Me of 2025 totally gets that. But for 25 year old newish to the workforce me, it was pretty confusing, since this isn’t really a process that gets explained to you until you need it, and sometimes the person doing the explaining has an incomplete understanding themselves.

            Reply ↓
          3. Weaponized Pumpkin*

            I assume so. I had an FMLA/STD situation where my submitted paperwork was dated only for the time I was going to be out, but there was also a prior month where I’d worked a reduced schedule. They insisted I go back and get MD documentation for that period as well. I pushed back, and they insisted. In a stressful time it was one more stressful thing to do — we’d already passed that period and obviously they hadn’t fired me, plus it put my doctor through another round of submissions — but I get that thorough documentation protected them in some way. They were following the rules.

            Reply ↓
        2. How?*

          Wow, this would be logistically difficult here. You typically have a consultation with the surgeon for them to decide if you’re a good candidate, discuss with you, and then set you up for scheduling if it’s agreed you’ll go ahead. You do not talk to the surgeon again until the surgery. The pre-surgical prep is typically handled by the facility by people who do not know you and follow the directives they have for that type of procedure plus any special notes your surgeon left them, and this is usually only a few days beforehand.

          Reply ↓
          1. Totally Minnie*

            In a lot of US surgical practices, there will be a medical assistant on staff whose primary job assignment is to fill out FMLA paperwork. You either email it to them or drop it off at the front desk, and they will either fax it back to your office or call you to come back and pick it up. It’s pretty standard practice here, since most people having surgery will need the paperwork.

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          2. JustCuz*

            Thats how it is here as well. Its just in-between the time you are given the go from the doctor for the surgery and the actual date of surgery, you send the paperwork to the surgeon’s office to fill out. Typically they are just documenting on a form what they assessed and the determination for need for surgery (so, the things that were assessed during your initial appointment with the surgeon go on this form). It is so common, there is an entire medical team and process for this as there would be for say, processing your health insurance claim.

            Reply ↓
          3. LaminarFlow*

            In my experience, emergency surgeries/situations where there isn’t time to get signatures, submit, etc., FMLA sort of works retroactively. At least, when my colleague was in a gnarly car accident that resulted in emergency surgery (he made a full recovery). Our manager gave him the FMLA info when he contacted her to explain his absence & his needs. We weren’t in a coverage-based role, but we had very old-school rules about calling out – a tech company with an attendance points system, if you can believe it.

            IDK if this is how it works for everyone in an accident/last minute thing, though. It seems like there is a lot of variation.

            Reply ↓
        3. Also-ADHD*

          This one makes sense to me. Having worked in HR in programs and positions where a big part of my job was to address manager issues (managers acting illegally included, but also just to standardize their practices across the company for things like performance review, equity, etc.), I can see HR wanting that paperwork so they can deal with a bad boss if needed. And just doing it routinely, because that’s what you do so you’re not indicating who is the bad boss (you know who they are) that would flip and start acting inappropriately if their employee had a complication and was out longer than expected.

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        4. Project Manaic-ger*

          Yes. That’s why this is making me feel so weird. FMLA is only job protection, so requiring it for weekly medical appointments when also requiring use of sick leave indicates that they do not trust that employees are really going to a medical appointment when they say they’re are and thus need documentation or else get fired, because leaving for an hour a week that is approved sick time is a fireable offense and thus needs documentation submitted to not get fired.

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          1. Lily Potter*

            In my mind, filing FLMA paperwork protects both the employee and the employer:
            Employee – no one can fire them because they “take too much time off”
            Employer – it’s in the employer’s interest to document ALL medical time taken to protect their interests down the road. Let’s say that Millie needs a half day off each week for some kind of medical appointment and can’t flex her hours. That’s the equivalent of 6+ weeks off each year and is unlikely to be covered by PTO/sick leave – but let’s say that Millie is willing to go unpaid. Then Millie comes down with some kind of illness after six months and can’t work at all. Millie now has only 9 weeks of job protection left in her FLMA bank, because she’s used up the equivalent of 3 weeks for her weekly half-days off. Her employer is now obligated only to hold her position for 9 weeks instead of 12. This is not to say that employers are necessarily looking to dump every sick employee the very minute that they legally can – however, employers can’t hold positions open indefinitely either, and these are the laws that they have to work with.

            Reply ↓
            1. Treena*

              “This is not to say that employers are necessarily looking to dump every sick employee the very minute that they legally can”

              That is literally what they’re doing. They want to ensure they can fire a sick or disabled employee as soon as legally possible. Weird to call that “protecting the employer.”

              Reply ↓
    2. LaminarFlow*

      I had the opposite experience at a previous company. My manager suggested that I use intermittent FMLA to cover time for a health condition. My former company has very archaic rules about attendance, and intermittent FMLA meant I didn’t have to worry about working 36 hours one week because I had a medical procedure. They also didn’t deduct sick time while using FMLA. It was a very surprising approach to FMLA, but TBH, it felt in line with the spirit of the law.

      Reply ↓
  3. Luva*

    Re #4: I have solved that problem by sticking a post-it over the distracting person’s little rectangle before. Not an optimal solution, but needs must.

    Reply ↓
    1. allathian*

      I’ve done the same. Two of my coworkers use standing desks at home with a mini treadmill. Sure, they get their steps in, but it’s very distracting to watch their heads bobbing up and down. We’re on Teams, so I can’t turn off individual users although I could turn off all incoming video. So I use post-its.

      Reply ↓
      1. JustCuz*

        Omg as an ADHD fidgeter, I hate being on camera. I can just FEEL how distracting my constant position shifts must be. Sometimes I have to minimize my own window, because I am so distracting to myself! Its better for in person meetings, because I can look like I am taking notes, but that doesn’t translate well to cameras where people can’t see me writing things down and would assume I am on my phone or something! I wish Teams did have a way to just being able to select which windows you can see.

        Reply ↓
        1. StressedButOkay*

          You should be able to minimize your own window on Teams! I find myself just staring at myself when I talk so I have to do it or I drive myself insane. I already have a hard enough time figuring out where to “look”, even after almost five years of this, and I don’t need to see a tinier version of me trying to figure out it as well.

          Reply ↓
          2. Lenora Rose*

            You can hide yourself on Teams. I check mine long enough to see if I’m centred enough that normal moving around won’t put me offscreen, then usually blank it.

            Reply ↓
    2. Tegan Jovanka*

      I have been known to put on nature videos (with sound muted) during calls. I’m still looking at the camera and being engaged, but instead of seeing ten million faces I’m looking at a serene view of a waterfall and no one else is the wiser.

      Reply ↓
      2. Venus*

        I often turn off the incoming video. I started to do it when I had bandwidth problems, and then I did it because I didn’t want to see faces. I’ve never had a situation where I was expected to see someone, but if they did mention it then I’d use bandwidth as an excuse for turning off video.

        Reply ↓
      3. Artemesia*

        What a great idea. I used to have my computer on the table in front of me in long tedious meetings and the screen saver was my photo collection and so soon my life would be passing before my eyes — without me having to be ‘doing’ something else on the computer. Made meetings less onerous.

        I love the idea of being engaged in the discussion visually while you are actually watching birds building elaborate nests.

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    3. Jackalope*

      My problem with that is that sometimes the program moves the windows around, for example to accommodate new people who arrive or when someone changes whether their video is on. I can’t count on someone’s window staying in the same part of my screen.

      Reply ↓
    4. Hot Flash Gordon*

      If there’s material being presented, I use the “Focus on Content” and it hides everyone. I mostly use it because it makes the material bigger and easier to read.

      Reply ↓
    5. Elizabeth West*

      Often people in my meetings will share their screens. I like to park my Notepad notes document over the participants panel at right. It covers everyone. Sadly, this backfired once when I missed a coworker’s cat.

      Reply ↓
    6. iglwif*

      Yes, same!

      Unfortunately that doesn’t hide the icky behaviour from anyone else on the call, but at least *I* don’t have to see it.

      Reply ↓
    7. JMC*

      Just the thought of someone doing that on camera during a meeting, what is WRONG with people? Weren’t these people taught not to pick their nose after the age of 3??

      Reply ↓
  4. Cmdrshprd*

    #3 As a fellow assistant I say hard/soft deadlines are much easier to plan and prioritize versus no deadline or “when you have times chance” or just “can you do x.” I usually try to ask, but when supporting multiple people and juggling a ton of different tasks, I can’t always circle back and ask. It is much easier if the request comes with can you get this done by thur/Fri, or can you get this done by the end of the week.

    Side note: I’m curious at OP3s structure that they have a secretary and an assistant and what the differentiators are. In my experience they are the same, but maybe secretary is more admin stuff and assistant is more project assistant/substantive work.

    Reply ↓
    1. Coverage Associate*

      We wouldn’t call junior attorneys “assistants,” but senior attorneys have secretaries and junior attorneys supporting them, and it’s not uncommon for a senior attorney to have a secretary that they don’t share but to work with a junior attorney that reports to more than one senior attorney.

      The “same level” but 3 years v 25 years experience would be really unusual in law, though. But I can see it in other professions maybe, though they all tend to have more assistants and fewer secretaries in my observation. Like doctors have someone handling paperwork and scheduling, and someone with medical training called a medical assistant. Architecture and lab sciences also have trained assistants who aren’t secretaries. But I have never encountered such licensed professionals with so much administrative work that they need both a professional assistant and a secretary, except in the movies. (Consider the movies about fashion magazines where the editor’s secretary has the title “editorial assistant,” so not even in the movies do big bosses always have both)

      Reply ↓
    2. Myrin*

      Re: your second paragraph, I’d assume it’s like you suggest in your last sentence. That’s a structure I’m familiar with which uses the same language, too.
      So the secretary would, for example, handle your calendar and calls, while your assistant would do much the same work as you do yourself but on a smaller scale or with fewer projects or with a very specific focus.

      Reply ↓
    3. AlsoADHD*

      I do wonder if the other person’s projects are prioritized because they give deadlines. I’m not an assistant but I’ve run into this when assigning work or working in a matrixed setting— things with deadlines take priority over things that are flexible. Even if the deadlines are made up sometimes. And the squeaky wheel gets the grease, as they say. I ran a project team at my prior job where some of the folks complained about not being supported by the coordinators as much as others and they usually didn’t give deadlines or convey urgency as much as the people supported (even when their projects were highest priority). They just expected coordinators to understand the big picture priorities, even though they weren’t exactly part of our team in a way that made knowing all that part of their jobs. (A lot of times I had to coach up my female staff to be more assertive on this and male staff to not make low priority stuff sound important—some gender dynamics as well.) I would certainly clarify priorities when I could for the coordinators but I would get a bit frustrated the same designer or project lead come to me and complain they hadn’t been prioritized yet when I investigated, all their messages sounded non urgent (when you can, etc).

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    4. Antilles*

      I agree. If you’re not giving a deadline or any requirements on timeline, it gets prioritized as the recipient sees fit, which is practically by default going to be below the person who has a clear and immovable target. Ideally, the assistant should respond to the vagueness by creating their own deadline (it’ll be mid-next week before I can start, unless you need it sooner), but that doesn’t always happen for various reasons.

      Also, on the “assistant” side of things, nothing is more annoying than the PM who gives a task with the vague “when you have time”, then comes back a day or two later and asks where it is. Why are you thinking it’d be done already? If you’d needed me to drop everything and put it top of list, you should have said that; instead, you’re in the queue.

      Reply ↓
      1. TheGrinchess*

        As an EA, I could totally be that assistant. I am the only EA to three managers. Two are often disorganized and last minute of everything. When I have tried the “when do you need this by?” to help me prioritize their tasks amongst the other managers, I get “whenever” or “no rush” or “when you can get to it.”

        Getting a firm deadline was and remains impossible. And often, when I do have my priority list set, the Last Minute Charlie’s will blow it up with an urgent-have-to-have-it-now project that they’ve had and been sitting on for a week or more. Only I am the one out of the loop til the last panicked second.

        That often meant the manager who is more organized was constantly being shelved for those urgent requests. Once I realized it was never going to change I started trying to ensure that manager wasn’t getting the short stick by prioritizing their work no matter what. The Last Minute Charlie’s shouldn’t get to benefit or get priority first class because they’re disorganized. Sometimes they have to hear, “no. You’ll have to wait or ask someone else.” They hate it and it creates tension but what else can I do?

        “Also, on the “assistant” side of things, nothing is more annoying than the PM who gives a task with the vague “when you have time”, then comes back a day or two later and asks where it is.”

        Thiiiiiis! I cannot stand this. I had it happen once where they came back in a couple hours the same day asking, “Is it done yet?” I can’t be organized or on time or On It if you don’t allow me to be. And yes, I have heard those criticisms from the disorganized people. It’s hard not to laugh. Or cry.

        Reply ↓
    5. Looper*

      I also don’t see that Abby isn’t getting projects done or causing LW to miss deadlines. Just that Abby doesn’t prioritize their projects. But…do they need to be prioritized? As an admin assistant, I have lots of duties and projects going on all the time. Unless someone gives me a hard date of when something needs to be done, I’m going to set my own priorities, including doing more enjoyable work for people I like better first.

      Reply ↓
      1. InTheWeeds*

        This is exactly what I was wondering too.
        We can’t tell from the letter, but I also wonder if maybe Lucas’ tasks are genuinely a higher priority.
        LW says that Lucas’ role is equivalent to theirs, he just has fewer years under his belt, but that doesn’t inherently mean he’s getting projects of an equivalent or lesser priority. Especially since their supervisor explains that “Abby is very busy” I can’t help but wonder if Lucas is dealing with higher priority or more timely projects than LW, espeically since LW explains that they’re not always privvy to the details of Lucas and Abby’s work.

        Reply ↓
    6. Artemesia*

      I suggest the OP read Connie Willis’s Bellwether and imagine their assistant is Flip and plan to live without an assistant. That or be aggressive about having a third of the assistant’s time or a different assistant.

      Reply ↓
    7. Eukomos*

      Agreed, often people don’t realize they have an internal deadline they’re expecting things by until you ask them. One of my first lessons as an admin was to make sure to ask, and you’d be surprised by the range of answers! Sometimes I would have thought they’d need it in two months and they need it in two weeks, sometimes I would have thought they’d need it tomorrow and they really aren’t sure if they’ll need it at all. More communication tends to be better.

      Reply ↓
    8. Always Tired*

      I also wonder if Lucas has put in more work to build a relationship with Abby. Not that it’s fair to OP, but if they are very perfunctory in their interactions and weren’t setting deadlines, and Lucas is very warm with his requests and gives timelines, I would also be more inclined to get work done for Lucas. A little social capital goes a long way in this situation. I’m also currious about professional #3, the person Abby assists who isn’t OP or Lucas. Is there work getting handled in a timely manner? Do they have complaints?

      OP, it can be annoying and take time, but put in a bit of effort to be chatty with Abby, get an idea of what’s on her plate and ask nicely for assistance with timelines. I think you’ll see a vast improvement in the speed of work with an improvement in the social side of the dynamic.

      Reply ↓
      1. Reluctant Mezzo*

        Yes, this works! My husband read the check sheet for the district printers (school) and followed the instructions on it to the letter, and always got his stuff back quicker because they could figure out what he wanted. With the school secretaries, he was nice (and didn’t steal all the Twizzlers the way the vice principal did). Guess who got help faster.

        Reply ↓
  5. RCB*

    So for the company in #5, aren’t they essentially saying that they are only giving their staff time to be sick because they are required to by law, but if you went 1 minute over what is required by law they are prepared to fire you? I can’t think of any reason to do this double dip policy unless it was punitive.

    Reply ↓
    1. Cmdrshprd*

      Idk that it is really punitive, no you won’t get fired for going 1 min overs but generally they can deduct the total time from the 12 weeks, 12 weeks times 40 hours =480 hours.

      But yes they are saying that they only give you minimum required protection for leave. 12 weeks is more than most people have paid time off for.

      FMLA does not require it to be paid, so a place can provide no PTO but still has to give you 12 weeks of unpaid FMLA. But if you have 4 weeks PTO the idea is generally to prevent you from being out for 16 weeks, because legally they only have to protect your job for 12 weeks. I think a lot of places make you use all your PTO along with FMLA. Some will let you stack them.

      Reply ↓
    2. Totally Minnie*

      As Alison explained in her response, it’s not really a double dip. FMLA is not a paid leave category, it’s a protected legal status, and the statute itself does allow employers to require that staff use their accumulated paid leave while on FMLA. It’s actually fairly common for workplaces to do that. Workplaces are also allowed to determine which kinds of medical leave they require FMLA paperwork for.

      I think this is a poor use of policy, and frankly a poor use of HR staff’s time to track extra FMLA, but it’s not necessarily a shady practice.

      Reply ↓
      1. Artemesia*

        to use this for an hour doctor’s appointment is mean spirited and punitive and the only possible reason is to ‘use up’ FMLA so they can fire the person when they get sick enough to be out for a week or two.

        Reply ↓
        1. FMLA*

          As someone who works in HR, I disagree. Designating this time as FMLA marks it as separate from attendance. It allows someone with an ongoing medical issue to circumvent any attendance policy that would otherwise be eaten up by routine medical care, and prevents a bad manager from holding the time against them. FMLA is literally designated to protect the employee. We don’t know OP’s industry or work environment. If it’s coverage based with a stricter attendance schedule, this would be a beneficial thing that would protect the employee from a more structured attendance policy.

          Reply ↓
          1. MarfisaTheLibrarian*

            But taking paid sick leave within whatever company-allotted amount already shouldn’t be held against the employee, and I hope HR would intervene if someone was being penalized for that.

            Reply ↓
            1. Nola*

              Not everyone has paid sick leave. And if a person does have paid sick leave, not everyone who needs to attend regular medical appointments, whether for a chronic or acute condition, will have enough paid sick leave to cover the 12 weeks FMLA covers.

              Reply ↓
          2. I'm just here for the cats!!*

            Thank you for this stance, it was enlightening. I wish the letter explained more if this is happening for everyone or for people who have FMLA set up. Because the letter makes it sound like everyone is on FMLA and any reoccurring appointments, even if they might not qualify for FMLA, are being taken away.

            Reply ↓
            1. Totally Minnie*

              All FMLA leave requires documentation signed by the employee’s doctor. A workplace can’t deduct time from FMLA unless they’ve got that paperwork, and unless the time off being taken is related to the medical condition in the documentation.

              So for example, if I was on intermittent FMLA to get physical therapy for a bad back, but then I needed to take an hour off work to go to the dermatologist, they can’t deduct my dermatologist appointment from my FMLA time because there’s no FMLA paperwork for that purpose.

              Reply ↓
          3. Treena*

            If your company needs someone to use FMLA to not get penalized for using accrued sick time, then your HR department is completely dysfunctional. Starting the FMLA as soon as possible when it is NOT needed (ie when someone has already has paid sick leave to use) happens purely so the employer can begin the clock on the 12 week countdown and fire an employee sooner. This is why most employers do not stack paid sick leave and FMLA, and they require concurrent use. It’s just especially egregious for a single weekly hour-long appointment.

            Reply ↓
    3. Pickles*

      I think it’s more like if you need to miss work every single week for a few hours for an appointment, you are protected (your boss can revoke that option), but we need it medically verified and eventually you will run out of protection of this time if it’s more than 480 hours (a lot of time).

      Reply ↓
    4. doreen*

      You have to remember that different employers have different policies and amounts of leave , etc. What you said sounds kind of awful but my job allowed me to accrue a lot of sick leave. I could bank up to 40 weeks of sick leave – if they weren’t permitted to run FMLA concurrently, they’d have to hold my job for a year. Except it would actually be a little longer because while I was on paid sick leave for those 40 weeks, I would have earned more sick leave and more vacation and of course, that 40 weeks would have been extended by any holidays that fell in that time period.

      Reply ↓
  6. MSD*

    If Abby is dedicated to you then why is she supporting 2 other people? So it doesn’t seem like she’s not. I think there have been several letters from folks who support multiple people and the difficulty they have prioritizing work when the folks assigning the work aren’t coordinating their requirements. The three of you need to talk to each other. It’s also possible Abby is prioritizing Marcus/lucas work because he/they are more demanding.

    Reply ↓
    1. Hotdog not dog*

      I had the same thought. Several years ago I supported 5 sales execs who not only didn’t communicate, they actively attempted to dominate one another by trying to see who could monopolize more of my time. Often I found myself “prioritizing” tasks based on who was being the most obnoxious in order to get them off my back.
      (long story short, management was aware but their solution was that the assistants just needed to figure out how to get everything done faster. I lasted about 7 months in that job.)

      Reply ↓
      1. Cmdrshprd*

        “I supported 5 sales execs who not only didn’t communicate,”

        Unless the company has said different I don’t think it is on the people to communicate with each other to assign/prioritize work on the front end, that is the assistants job when supporting multiple people. The 3/5 people send you work and if you get two competing deadlines it’s on you to coordinate/push back, maybe at that point the people with competing deadlines might talk to sort who get priority but sometimes both are equally needed and additional help is needed.

        Reply ↓
        1. Hotdog not dog*

          The company’s expectation was absolutely that they should communicate- with each other, with support staff, with upper management…
          Unfortunately, because they were generating revenue, they got a pass on a lot of things.
          It was absolutely normal for all 5 to give me substantial projects with tight deadlines (to the point where completing even one on time wasn’t feasible) and then argue with each other about whose project should be done first.
          Another common occurrence was that I’d be in the middle of something with legitimate urgency and one of them would invent an urgent project to get me to drop the first one, and then lose their marbles if I said anything like, “I’ll put the mailing labels on your holiday cards as soon as I finish XYZ for Fergus’ client who is waiting in the lobby.”

          Reply ↓
      2. My Useless Two Cents*

        I’m almost the opposite. People start annoying or being obnoxious to me and their tasks start dropping lower and lower on my to-do list.

        I’m also almost completely FIFO in my to-do list and get very stressed and huffy when people continually try and “cut in line”. An occasional emergency request is fine but if it becomes anywhere near a habit none of those persons “emergency” request become re-prioritized.

        (FIFO = First In/First Out vrs LIFO = Last In/First Out)

        Reply ↓
        2. not nice, don't care*

          I’ve actually put a statement like “in order to provide equitable service to all, requests are processed in the order received” in my public-facing ticketing queue.

          Reply ↓
      1. bye*

        Or maybe LW is just assuming they’ll get more priority because of their experience? I’m curious why LW thinks the years of experience is relevant, unless LW thinks Abby is handholding Lucas for the reason you said.

        Reply ↓
        1. Eldritch Office Worker*

          Without that detail I could see speculation that Lucas gets priority because of seniority. I think it’s helpful context.

          Reply ↓
        2. linger*

          Or it could be the converse, if OP as the more experienced worker tends to handle more complicated projects than Lucas, and Abby (like many of us) tends to prioritise simpler tasks (thus, Lucas’s) because they *can* be finished faster.
          Hopefully OP’s move of adding explicit deadlines will solve this.
          OP (or more accurately, OP’s manager) only needs to consider Abby’s motivation for prioritising Lucas (handholding Lucas vs avoiding longer/more complex tasks) if the problem continues, because then it’s a matter of Abby’s competence to support OP’s projects.

          Reply ↓
        3. Hiring Mgr*

          I thought it might be for the opposite reason – the person with 25 years experience might be less likely to need the support than someone who’s been there for much less time

          Reply ↓
        1. Eukomos*

          Or Abby isn’t actually favoring Lucas but OP’s paranoid about favoritism. Notice they think that both Abby and their supervisor “favor” someone else over OP. There’s a common denominator here. OP, you may just need to be more clear about your deadlines and more tolerant of other people making their own decisions about work priority within those deadlines. And try to figure out if your office is actually a middle school classroom or if you’re worrying about favoritism too much.

          Reply ↓
      2. HR Friend*

        Or because Abby’s father vowed a blood oath to Lucas’s father , forever entwining the 2 families for generations of servitude.

        If you’re going to speculate wildly about circumstances not at all alluded to in the letter, at least finish your thought and offer some actionable advice for your made up scenario.

        Reply ↓
        3. avaya one-x*

          That was my immediate thought. LW is a woman, Lucas is a man and Abby is cozying up to Lucas…

          Wow, WTF. I know the U.S. is galloping as fast as it can back to the 1940s but you don’t need to hurry it along, Goddess47, with your super sexist takes.

          Since some of you all seem to have a real bugaboo about administrative support staff in general (what, did an admin assistant see through your condescending attitude once and now you’ll carry that grudge to your grave?), let me lay it out, on behalf of all admin assistants (cishet female, I can’t pretend to speak for anyone else):
          We don’t want to [redact] our bosses or any of the higher-ups. Yes even if they’re rich. Yes even if they’re the CEO. It doesn’t matter how hot or rich they are, or high up they are in the org chart. We don’t sit around making plans to sleep our way to the top of the company or into a SAHM stage of life. We don’t view our female coworkers, bosses, or higher-ups as “competition” for the (male) CEO’s attention (gross) or conspire against them with that mindset. We are human beings who just want to do our job, get paid well, get decent benefits, and not get sexually harassed, the same as the rest of you.

          I will not be taking questions because frankly, there are such things as stupid questions and this is probably a situation that would invite many.

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        4. Yikes*

          If we’re making stuff up, maybe Abby is a lesbian, Lucas is gay, and they’re close due to mlm/wlw solidarity.

          It has just as much proof to it as your comment.

          Reply ↓
      4. avaya one-x*

        Or because LW is a woman and Lucas is a man

        Wow, misogyny much??? A little surprising to see on a supposedly feminist blog, especially in today’s political climate. The U.S. does not need any additional help in rolling back civil rights for women, including in the workplace right now, via your [redacted] hot takes. Oh wow, Abby MUST be sleeping with Lucas or whatever, and that’s why she doesn’t want to help the LW. When there could be 50,000 other reasons for why LW isn’t getting the help she feels should be:
        1) Abby is swamped
        1A) LW was told to ask other assistants for help when Abby was busy so like, why is that not happening?
        2) We only have the LW’s perspective but look, is it possible that there is something about the LW’s working style that does not gel with Abby’s? And Abby is implicitly or explicitly working with Lucas more as a result?
        3) And since we’re just making up fanfic (“Abby prefers to work with Lucas over the LW because the LW is a woman and Lucas is a man”) then let’s just go even further: maybe the LW is a total jerk to Abby, or makes insane demands, or their projects are actually the least important in the company (but take the longest to get done), maybe the LW is racist/homophobic/generally prejudiced to Abby, etc and Abby’s just DONE with it already.
        4) Maybe Lucas is the one driving all of this and Abby doesn’t really have a choice in the matter.
        5) Maybe Abby comes from a place where people wear hats on their feet and the LW mocks her for it and she’s just tired of that (again, if we’re just going to make up fanfic).

        Reply ↓
    4. NotAnotherManager!*

      Having shared support is not uncommon – what “dedicated” means at my office is that there is specifically a person assigned to be your primary support versus the people who have to use the pooled support resources that are shared by a much larger constituency. Even in BigLaw, attorneys share assistants. Unless someone is a highly-place corporate executive or works for a small organization with fewer support needs, my experience is that 1:1 support is pretty uncommon.

      The problem is when the assistant does not have someone above them to help prioritize and manage or restaff conflicts (or blatant favoritism). At my current office, you go to your dedicated support, then the broader department’s support network, then the pooled support. There is also a manager that works with people whose groupings are struggling with prioritization, favoritism, or volume.

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    5. Mockingjay*

      As a member of a shared support team that works for many people: I prioritize the clear assignments. The tasks with a set due date, clear instructions as to what product or information is required, and the person who checks in on progress (not to nag, but to ensure that I have what I need to do the assignment) – these go to the top of my queue.

      As a dedicated support person to a single team or person – yes, I can fly with vague instructions because I’m part of the project and I have the background info to fill in what you leave out of the assignment.

      OP2, Abby is NOT your dedicated assistant. She is a SHARED resource. Your first conversation needs to be with Lucas and the other manager: how much work are all three of you giving Abby? (I speak from experience – multiple tasks usually add up to way more than 1 FTE.) Have you three decided on how to handle priority conflicts? Because that should not be Abby. She can flag conflicts, but you three managers need to resolve it.

      Hard due dates are a good start, but ensure that Abby has sufficient info or resources (POCs, account accesses, time, etc.) to do the task, and also that she should feel comfortable pushing back on conflicting due dates or overtasking.

      Reply ↓
    6. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      So it sounds like in this office they share assistants. So Abby has 2 other people she assists. She is not solely dedicated to the OP. I do agree that they need to all sit down and talk. I wonder if the 3rd person is having problems too. And maybe there is too much work.

      Reply ↓
  7. Facts only*

    #3, as stated on this site so often: Don’t focus on Lucas or how and why he seems to be getting preferred treatment. Focus on the impact on your work, how you are not able to meet deadlines, how communication about progess is lacking, how many times you had to to to other assistants, so it doesn’t make sense to stay with Abby in the first place.

    Reply ↓
    1. learnedthehardway*

      This is good advice – keeping it objective and fact based is far more likely to work than focusing on the fact that Abby is favouring Lucas’s work.

      I would say to YOUR manager that your work is not being attended to, and that you want Abby’s manager to review whether or not this is a performance or workload issue. Either way, you need the support, whether that means Abby has to improve her performance or if another resource is needed to accomplish the full workload.

      As far as dealing with Abby goes, I would continue to give her hard deadlines by which you need your stuff done, would make sure those are emailed to her – not just verbally assigned – and would document it with her manager when/if the work isn’t finished. Create a paper trail that shows the work Abby is supposed to be doing for you is NOT being done. I mean, hopefully, she will see that she better start doing her work for you, but if not, documentation and facts are the next best thing for escalating the issue.

      Reply ↓
  8. Nodramalama*

    I’m slightly confused as to whether marcus and lucas are different people for LW3, but have you asked marcus/lucas/abby/your supervisor why their work is prioritised? Maybe abby has been told to priotise their work.

    Reply ↓
      1. KateM*

        That makes me wonder about the third person Abby supports. What do they feel – are they the last priority in this all?

        Reply ↓
        1. KateM*

          They mean that the LW sent in a letter using two names (one being their actual name, the other a fictive one) for the same person because AAM had not had her morning coffee, obviously.

          Reply ↓
          1. Myrin*

            That’s what I thought, but I guess I’m not seeing why they’d assume that one was the actual, real-life name as opposed to both being random “pseudonyms” the OP simply got mixed up, which has happened before with letters and generally seems much more likely to me (nevermind that neither of those names is particularly rare and the situation isn’t incredibly unique, either).

            Reply ↓
            1. Crooked Bird*

              Yeah, those names are so similar I instantly assumed they were both pseudonyms & the LW hadn’t quite mentally settled on one when she wrote.

              (Apparently when my husband, whose real name I won’t share, was born, one of the naming options discussed was “Marcus Lucas.” He was glad they passed on that one!)

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            2. Jamaican me crazy*

              I assume most LWs use their real names and that AAM changes them. I suspect I am not a celebrity is suggesting that AAM changed the name in one instance but not in the other. I think the reference to morning coffee is a pretty obvious joke.

              Reply ↓
              2. Hlao-roo*

                There was a question about this on the “a behind-the-scenes look at how Ask a Manager runs” post on February 6, 2023:

                9. Do you choose the pseudonyms used in the letters, or do people write their own? I always enjoy when there’s a theme to the names used (like TV characters), and I’m curious if that comes from you or from the letter writers themselves.

                Usually any names in a letter come from the letter-writer. However, sometimes people don’t use any names at all and I’ll add names if I think it makes the letter easier to follow.

                So on most letters the (hopefully fake) names come directly from the letter-writers.

                Reply ↓
              3. Totally Minnie*

                Oooh, that system would feel really prone to mistakes. If the policy was to change all the names in every letter, what happens if the letter writer had already changed the name and then the replacement name that AAM chose just happened to be the person’s real name?

                It’s better just to let the LWs choose what to call the people they’re talking about in their letters.

                Reply ↓
                1. Ask a Manager* Post author

                  This actually happened once — someone wrote in with no names for anyone referenced at all and the letter was hard to follow so I added fake names … and one of them turned out to be the same name as the real person being discussed, unbeknownst to me! They asked me to change it, which I of course did.

                  Anyway, yes, the LW chose the names here, as if usually the case.

              4. Myrin*

                It has honestly never in my life occurred to me that OPs would use people’s real names in letters.
                Using pseudonyms for these kinds of things – often specifically shown to be such by quotation marks, even – precedes the internet by decades, I’d have assumed it’s a practice people who write into advice columns wouldn’t even have to think about twice.

                Reply ↓
                1. doreen*

                  I’m the opposite- it’s never occurred to me that using just a first name , even an uncommon one, is doxxing. If the letter used a famous person’s mononym ( like “Madonna”) , I would assume that it’s a pseudonym and if it’s just an uncommon first name, well, there are a lot of people who share even the most uncommon name.

                2. Cmdrshprd*

                  Right, I’m honestly low key annoyed when people add in “fake names for privacy” or something similar, to advice letters or other internet posts, because it feels obvious/redundant, yes I think most/all people assume the names are fake.

      4. Magpie*

        This is not doxxing. That would be sharing private data about the person. If the LW was talking about “John Lastname who lives at this address”, that would be doxxing. At worst, this is accidentally leaving a detail in the letter that would make it easier for the subject of the letter to identify themselves if they saw it. None of us know who the LW is talking about no matter which name is used.

        Reply ↓
      5. Higgs Bison*

        It’s on the LWs to anonymize the names, not Alison. I think there was a letter within the last couple years where the LW forgot to anonymize and there was a scramble after the fact to change names.

        Reply ↓
        1. Hlao-roo*

          Yes, I remember that letter too! Forget what it was about (but vaguely recall it involved 3 or 4 people) so I haven’t been able to dig it up as an example, but I do recall there was a scramble to change the names both in the letter and in the comments that used the old (real) names.

          Reply ↓
      8. Totally Minnie*

        Just FYI, AAM doesn’t change the names in the letters. If you write in and use names for your coworkers, it’s on you to change them to fake names. What likely happened is that the LW either forgot and used the real name alongside the fake name, or that they forgot which fake name they were using and accidentally subbed in a different fake name that sounds similar.

        Reply ↓
      11. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

        Even if one of the two is the real name, knowing someone’s first name and a vague work situation is not going to doxx anyone.

        Reply ↓
  9. WoodswomanWrites*

    #1 — That interview would have been taxing for anyone. In response to your question about whether this completely irrelevant hypothetical questioning is the norm, fortunately it’s not. I’ve been in the work world for decades and I can assure you that while there are places that engage in this kind of useless practice, it’s by no means the dominant format. Good luck to you in your search.

    A few years ago I was on an interview panel with a capable team. One of the interviewers, new to the work world in general and to hiring, added a question about what kind of animal the applicant would be if they could choose one. Their manager, not wanting to be discouraging for their employee’s first opportunity as an interview, left that in. We hired a super person for the role, who later told me it was hard not to roll her eyes when she got that question.

    Reply ↓
    1. Seal*

      Honestly, I think it would have been more helpful in the long run if the new employee’s manager had not included their question and kindly explained why it wasn’t appropriate for an interview.

      For the record, my response would be a cat because I’d love to have a staff to cater to my every whim and sleep wherever and whenever I wanted to. Probably not a good thing to say in an interview, though.

      Reply ↓
    2. Metal Gru*

      I think it depends what the hypothetical questions are about. It sounds from the letter that they are relevant to the job (unlike ‘what animal would you be’ etc) as LW did know the “textbook” answers even though LW hasn’t experienced this personally (also, no matter how many years experience LW has, the hypothetical may be real or at least realistic for the new environment!)

      I was hiring for a position where the successful person could have come in with a range of seniority (junior, mid, senior) if they had the right traits. One interviewee was on the more junior side. I asked a question that was based on a real situation, but to her it was hypothetical as she’d never experienced it. She answered with “I haven’t experienced that YET, but what I would likely do is…” which I thought was a good response.

      Reply ↓
      1. AlsoADHD*

        For entry level jobs, you can write hypothetical questions that are similar to behavioral questions (they have a “type” name I forget) for basic scenarios (like asking someone who wants their first retail job how they would address the needs of an upset customer). That’s fine. “What would you do if you were tiny and in a blender?” type are dumb, and for experienced folks, behavioral (“tell me about a time when”) usually makes more sense.

        Reply ↓
        1. Anon4This*

          We call them situational-behavioral questions, and, to me, they’re the most useful type of info we get in an interview. I interview a lot of new hires, and we make it clear to them that they can answer questions from any of their prior experience – school, internships, extracurriculars, whatever. Honestly, I get a lot of great answers to these.

          My favorite is to have them tell me about a time they faced a new challenge or situation, how they approached it, and how it turned out. With no work experience, the actual challenge doesn’t matter, we want to see that they took stock of what needed to be done, figured out what their resources were and used them, and then that they could self-assess a bit at the end on how it went. I’ve had college RAs have to deal with water pipe breaks/flooding, people who had to put on a social event on short notice, being left in charge of a fast food restaurant during lunch rush their second day, having someone else drop out of a group project last-minute, and professors going AWOL when a research paper is due… all sorts of things. It’s the candidate’s experience, so they’re generally comfortable talking about it, and we get to see how they figure things out and move forward (a really critical skill in our industry).

          I have a very firm no what-tree-would-you-be type questions rule about interviews. I can’t stand those and think they’re a bad look for the team.

          Reply ↓
    3. bamcheeks*

      If the scenario questions were relevant to work, they are not anywhere on the same scale as “what kind of animal are you”! An interview shouldn’t be all or majority scenario questions, but they’re very good for assessing what a candidate prioritises and how they problem-solve. There are lots of situations where knowing that the textbook response is “first insecure the area and make sure noone else can get hurt” or “first I’m going to ask the customer what outcome she wants” etc and only after that do I start problem solving” is a really important differentiator between candidates. And you can tell when you’ve got an experienced candidate if they can give you 2-3 different decision forks based on the information they seek vs someone who immediately jumps to one conclusion about the scenario and what the correct response is.

      Reply ↓
      1. londonedit*

        I agree – in my industry it’s usually a mix of both types of questions. Publishing is quite nebulous and relies a lot on being able to build relationships with authors and other departments, so there’s a lot of ‘how would you deal with…’ stuff. Usually the interview starts with a ‘talk us through your experience’ section, and then moves on to ‘tell me about a time when…’ questions. Often they’ll be things like ‘tell me about a time when you’ve had to manage a difficult author’s expectations’ or ‘tell me about a time when you’ve had to manage several competing deadlines’. But sometimes it’ll be definitely be framed more as a hypothetical, like ‘what would you do in a situation where an author wasn’t happy with a cover design?’. In interviews for more entry-level roles you’re more likely to encounter hypothetical questions, because they don’t assume everyone has the same experience, and you’re more likely to be asked how you’d prioritise a series of things (like ‘an email from the legal department, a set of proofs that need to be photocopied and sent out by the end of the day, cover copy for review that’s marked as urgent’). At that level especially, but at any level really, the right answer can definitely be ‘I’d pass the email from Legal on to my manager immediately, and I’d check with the editor on the deadline for the cover copy, then I’d either prioritise that over the proofs or I’d do the proofs first if they needed to go out specifically in that afternoon’s post’. There isn’t really a specific right answer, the point of asking the question is that you just want people to show that they can think about it and recognise what may or may not be a priority, and that they can recognise when something needs to be escalated to someone higher up.

        Reply ↓
        1. doreen*

          I agree about that hypotheticals are useful for that purpose – I once was on an interview panel for a supervisory position where one of the questions gave a whole scenario that involved getting a telephoned bomb threat ( which was a realistic possibility) . There was not one specific correct answer but there were a lot of incorrect answers. Like the person who was going to open the suspicious package in the waiting room.

          Reply ↓
    4. Juicebox Hero*

      “I’d be a T-Rex so I could eat interviewers who ask me stupid questions.”

      I’d never actually say it, but lord I’d be thinking it.

      Reply ↓
      1. London Calling*

        I’d pick a cassowary. Famously bad tempered and has long sharp spurs on its claws that are capable of disembowelling anything (or anyone) that irks it. (I’ve made it my spirit animal for those reason because there were times in exjob when I identified the hell with that bird.)

        Reply ↓
    5. Elizabeth West*

      I always want to answer the tree question because the reaction to my answer would tell me if I would be working with a particular flavor of nerds, in which case we’d probably get along pretty well (unless they’re gatekeeping glassbowls).

      Reply ↓
        1. I went to school with only 1 Jennifer*

          “If you were a tree, what kind would you be?”

          I am sometimes impulsive, and I would have to stop myself from saying, “Well, it sure wouldn’t be a Giving Tree!” (I love the author and hate that book.)

          Reply ↓
          1. LaminarFlow*

            LOL!! I was once asked that question, but substitute silverware for trees. I was young, a little too serious, and supremely annoyed that someone would ask me which piece of silverware I consider myself to be, in a job interview.

            I responded with “I’m a napkin, because I am always fucking cleaning things up”. They gave me an offer, but I turned it down to work somewhere else. I ended up working closely with one of the interviewers a few years later, and when he realized that I was “the fucking napkin girl” we both lost our minds, and had big laughs. I assumed that he had forgotten about it.

            Reply ↓
    1. Mid*

      Only if you’re the one who owns the meeting typically. And usually people can turn their cameras back on, it’s just the default setting for the start of the meeting. For larger conference calls, settings are a bit different. But still, the admin/owner of the meeting is typically the only person who can turn off someone’s video, and it turns it off for everyone in the call (so no one could see Nosy Bob, not just OP.)

      Reply ↓
    1. allathian*

      Indeed.

      I have chronic rhinitis that hasn’t gone away with any of the treatments I’ve tried. It’s relatively mild so my nose isn’t running constantly, but especially in winter with the dry indoor air, dry snot accumulates in my nostrils to the point that I can’t breathe through my nose. The simplest way to get it out is to pick my nose. But I take very good care to only do it in private and to wash my hands properly afterwards, and I definitely don’t do it on camera!

      Reply ↓
      1. KateM*

        Have you tried sea-water sprays? Those are good for scaring the snot loose of your nose, and you won’t accidentally scratch the inside of your nose.

        Reply ↓
      2. WeirdChemist*

        Omg I thought I was the only one who had to deal with constant snot to the point of it needing to be picked out! I feel much less alone now haha. But yeah, that’s definitely a “in the privacy of your own home” action, not in the middle of a meeting?!?!

        And to answer KateM, I have tried the saline sprays/flushes/etc. TMI incoming…. The snot gets super dried out and stuck in there, and it really does need physical abrasion a lot of the times to get it out! The saline sprays work best for already wet/looser snot IME

        Reply ↓
        1. KateM*

          Funny. It has helped me with dried snot a lot, a well-directed spray makes the part dried to nose softer and a snort later my nose is free.

          Reply ↓
  12. anontoday*

    For number 3, perhaps it can become your boss’s problem?
    It might not be possible for you, but if it is, maybe you can just say ‘this will be late because Abby doesn’t have time. Who else can support?’. At the moment, it’s just you feeling the pain so your supervisor doesn’t have any incentive to deal with it.

    Reply ↓
  13. Irish Teacher.*

    LW1, this isn’t a direct answer to your question but I want to point out that interviews differ and one being different from what you are used to….doesn’t necessarily mean anything much. It could be that they are new to interviewing or moved from a different field where a different style was used or that they just read some article or blog post that suggested hypothetical.

    Interviewing isn’t always an exact science. Mostly, it’s just people with no training in it asking questions to try and figure out who to employ. As Aluson said, a lot of people do it badly, not because they are bad at their jobs in general but just because it’s a skill they may not have been trained on.

    And there are all kinds of opinions about which type of questions are best.

    Reply ↓
    1. Irish Teacher.*

      One of the things that influences how people interview is what kind of questions they personally like, so the explanation may be nothing more than that the person or people who interviewed you themselves found hypotheticals easier than the type of questions you are used to and decided they’d use them when they interviewed.

      Of course, there are also interviewers who try to ask the questions they think most difficult or tricky in order to try and catch people out, but a lot of the time people are just working with their own preferences.

      Reply ↓
      1. Emmy Noether*

        I think hypotheticals can also just be easier for the interviewer to come up with. Think about a recent difficult situation, or a situation you’re worried about, turn it into a question, done. You can also make it as specific as you want, so it’s easier to tell what the “right” answer is, and easier to compare candidates.

        “Tell me about a time…” questions are by necessity more open, and you get more varied responses. Which gives more info on the candidates, but it takes thought to analyze, instead of just checking a box. Also more likely to have the candidate draw a blank, so then you have to pivot. Takes more conversational skill.

        Reply ↓
    2. Spooz*

      You also have different options for answering the same kinds of questions. Even if you haven’t experienced X, you could say, “That reminds me of a time when Y happened, because [need to prioritise is similar/trouble managing conflict between stakeholders/deadline got moved up/lack of resources/etc etc etc!]” Then tell the story of how you solved Problem Y and finish up that you would apply the same techniques to Situation X.

      Think like a politician! They manage to give their prepared canned answers no matter what question the interviewer asks ;)

      Reply ↓
      1. Spooz*

        Also, think like a reasonable interviewer. I’m currently reading a survival skills book with my kids that has quizzed with hypothetical scenarios. I keep telling them that there isn’t one right answer, it’s the discussion and thought and reasoning that the scenario is supposed to provoke that is the interesting thing, not whether they get the exact same answer as the (probably made up ghostwriting consortium) dude
        who wrote the book.

        (As a side note to all parents, HIGHLY recommend this as a family activity!
        It’s providing a fascinating insight into the inner lives of my very different children. When they’re teenagers, I intend to print out some AAM letters and do the same!)

        Reply ↓
          1. TeaCoziesRUs*

            I’m interested, too! My girls devoured the I Survived series and we’ve listened to quite a few together (long school commutes). I like that they’ve all read it before, but since I haven’t, I’ll point out areas where the hero is going awry, and we’ll pause and have a discussion. They love telling me (in the most exasperated tones that only pre-teens can produce) that I’m TOTALLY wrong and just keep listening. :D

            Reply ↓
          2. Spooz*

            “The Extreme Survival Guide” by Rory Storm. It’s pretty basic stuff (boil water before you drink it! clear the ground before you light a fire!) with some “now apply your learning” scenarios at the end, aimed at younger kids, but my 7yo and 5yo are enjoying it. You could also Google “survival scenarios” or find any true book of survival stories (Bear Grylls has a series, haven’t read them yet) and pause reading in a couple of key places and ask them what they would do next.

            Reply ↓
            1. Spooz*

              NB: I have no real life outdoors experience at all! But I’ve read a lot of children’s adventure fiction XD What would the Famous Five do…?

              Reply ↓
    3. Great Frogs of Literature*

      The interview I’ve had that felt most like an exam was the one for my current job. It wasn’t full of hypotheticals like the LW describes, but rather intensely technical. I wasn’t thrilled with the vibe of the interview, but I needed a job, so I took it, and it’s turned out to be in many ways one of the best jobs I’ve ever had. (And the ways in which it isn’t are largely things that no one could have foreseen at the time I was interviewing.)

      I do like to think that I’ve influenced our interview style to be a little more well-rounded, but I definitely agree that the style of the interview tells you much more about how someone interviews than it does what sort of boss or coworker they’ll be. (Which is not to say that you can’t get useful information about the company from interviews, but it’s not a strict 1:1 between how the interview is and what the job will be like.)

      Reply ↓
  14. Expectations*

    What the what?!?!?! Having to register for FMLA and go through that paperwork for routine medical care? That’s insane. And what about folks who average 2-3 appointments a week but they’re for a lot of different reasons? I’ve had times when I had a bunch of different once a month, once every two months, etc appointments on top of a weekly PT appt (which should have been 3x/week but I couldn’t absorb that on top of the other stuff and still work) that collectively meant I had at least two and often three appts every week ongoing, but they were for 5-6 different reasons and with a lot of different medical folks. Who does the paperwork and how does it extend across other medical care that’s unrelated. And FMLA for routine talk therapy? It doesn’t usually come with a mental health diagnosis and is usually entirely at the discretion of the patient because they find it helpful – what is the qualifying serious condition?

    What people do in reality is make up as much of the time as possible and take sick time for the rest. Anything else is unsustainable.

    FMLA for routine appointments? Wow.

    Reply ↓
    1. KateM*

      2-3 appointments a week which must be done during work hours does sound so much even for this European that I would expect some kind of long-term agreement put in indeed – I guess in USA that’s FMLA.

      Reply ↓
      1. Expectations*

        You make arrangements with your boss to either make up the time or take sick leave and you manage to that. It’s not that hard. I actually had fewer appointments than a standard round of physical therapy (which is 3x/week for most people for most issues – I just tell them I cannot logistically manage more than 1 which means I progress much slower) and this is the very first time I’ve ever heard of using FMLA for PT.

        Reply ↓
        1. KateM*

          If you make up the time later, it’s the same as going to your appointments during your non-work time, so that case isn’t really relevant – it’s just having flexible working hours. And according to others here, taking sick leave for an ongoing problem is exactly what FMLA is about.

          Reply ↓
    2. Nola*

      Not all jobs can be flexed. Not all jobs can be made up later. Some jobs have set hours and the work must be done in those hours.

      Reply ↓
      1. Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.*

        Yeah, my current job (manufacturing plant) is set up with 1 shift, in the building, set hours, no flexibility. We are too small for FMLA, so that’s not a concern for us, but in the above scenario (multiple appointments during work times throughout the week), we’d work with the employee to take either PTO or unpaid leave. I can see larger companies wanting to put something in writing so that everyone is clear on the expectations- both the employee and the employer.

        Reply ↓
      2. Expectations*

        And people with serious or multiple medical conditions typically either screen for this or, if it’s policy rather than inherent in the job tasks, I guess could require more flexibility as an accommodation (if they qualify as disabled) if they don’t support it on request. Many of us simply cannot work otherwise. The concept of using FMLA for this has never been part of the conversation before today, and how would that even work? If you’re suggesting that someone use sick leave for all medical needs, no company gives anywhere close to enough for that, and few with medical needs would be productive enough to reasonably employ if they never worked outside of 9-5.

        Reply ↓
        1. Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.*

          I’ve worked multiple jobs where people have become disabled (at least two that I can think of with terminal illnesses) well into their careers at the particular business. Both the business and the employee can’t plan for every situation when hiring and it’s unreasonable to expect a business to accommodate 100% every request without using the tools available to them. I’m firmly on the side of working to retain employees and being overly generous with benefits- I don’t think this country does enough to support employees, especially medically- but at some point, you have to work with what you’ve got and sometimes, that puts employees at a disadvantage.

          Reply ↓
        2. doreen*

          I don’t agree that few people with medical needs would be productive enough to employ if they never worked outside of 9-5. That’s true for some people with medical needs but there are also people with medical needs who need an hour off once a month or even less – I have some doctors that I only saw weekends and evenings because it wasn’t convenient for me to see them during work hours. Not that my job cared – it was inconvenient for me for a variety of reasons.

          Reply ↓
    3. Eldritch Office Worker*

      This is pretty normal for that volume of appointments during the workday. Not all jobs have flex time and this is what sick days are for. FMLA gives job protection, which is in the interest of the employee.

      Reply ↓
      1. Expectations*

        How much sick time are you people getting that you think it will be sufficient for medical appointments for people with more than rudimentary medical needs? And are all of your appointments via telehealth received at your employer’s location? Because when you add in travel time to appointment time you’re talking several hours per appointment, maybe more if you use public transit or the job site is inconvenient for some of your providers.

        Reply ↓
        1. Eldritch Office Worker*

          I understand that, but not all jobs are set up so that you can disappear for multiple hours a day multiple times a week, or even multiples days a month. Some are, and that’s great! Flexibility should be given where possible.

          But if yours isn’t, using intermittent FMLA for routine appointments is how you keep your job. It gives you legal protection. If you don’t go through that process, they can and will just fire you and find someone who will be able to work the hours they need.

          Reply ↓
        2. Totally Minnie*

          The LW doesn’t say whether their job previously allowed people to Flex Time for appointments or if they were always using sick time for them. It looks like the new addition here is using FMLA, not using sick leave.

          The job I have now is pretty flexible with the times people can work, but most of my previous jobs were open a set number of hours per week, and if for any reason you can’t work your full 40 hour week during those open hours, you needed to take sick or vacation time. It sucks, but it’s the reality for a lot of workers.

          Reply ↓
    4. New Jack Karyn*

      If someone needs a diagnosis from a therapist in order to access insurance coverage, or FMLA, they can often get a note for Generalized Anxiety Disorder, or something equally anodyne.

      Reply ↓
    6. HR guy*

      “And what about folks who average 2-3 appointments a week but they’re for a lot of different reasons?”

      Typically, an employee’s primary physician would write a note documenting and summarizing all treatment. Something like “[patient] may need up to 5 medical appointments per week, and each appointment may last up to 2 hours in length.” And the result would be the employer approving leave to attend appointments according to the description provided by the doctor.

      Reply ↓
  15. totaleclipse26*

    #4 – I have resorted to opening notepad on my laptop, sizing the window appropriately and moving it to cover a particular co-worker in Teams before.

    Reply ↓
    1. Jennifer @unchartedworlds*

      Oh, clever! I’ve done the post-its before but hadn’t thought of that.

      I wonder if Notepad can be set “always on top”, or what else can do that and also be the right size? That would save having to get it back after you have a reason to click on the main screen. (also an advantage of post-its of course :-) )

      Reply ↓
      1. KateM*

        It should be a program that you use for nothing else, or I suspect that switching back after you have a reason to click on the main screen would be less distracting than to switch off the “always on top” property.
        Just don’t have a game as that “always on top” program. :D

        Reply ↓
      2. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

        I wonder if Notepad can be set “always on top”

        Windows has “borrowed” so many features from Linux over the last few years (sudo, virtual desktops, etc) that I’m surprised this isn’t one of them.

        Reply ↓
  16. Lexi Vipond*

    OP3 seems to believe that admin support should be allocated according to seniority, but it’s quite possible that the bosses think the opposite, and that Lucas needs more support because he’s newer, especially if it’s the kind of job where you can learn a lot from an experienced admin.

    They need to all talk it out, anyway!

    Reply ↓
    1. HonorBox*

      I had a similar thought. It might be that Lucas needs more support because of his inexperience, whereas there may be an incorrect assumption that LW doesn’t need the same amount of support.

      I hope that the specific deadlines that the LW is now giving helps the situation. If not, the in-person conversation with Abby is the right next step. And if that doesn’t change the dynamic, I’d definitely go to someone else for that support. But I think as you do that, you should bring your boss into that conversation, both to highlight your needs AND to ensure there’s no pushback from others when you ask someone else for that assistance.

      Reply ↓
    2. Eldritch Office Worker*

      I didn’t get that from the letter. An admin supporting multiple people is supposed to be supporting all of them. The LW isn’t asking for more support or extra prioritization, they’re asking for their things to get done at all. That would be very reasonable regardless of seniority.

      Reply ↓
      1. HonorBox*

        The only thing that made me think about that is that Abby seems to be getting support from the boss to keep doing what she’s doing. It made me wonder if she got some sort of directive from the boss to prioritize Lucas’s work.

        Also, if there’s not enough time to support three people, it seems pretty simple that the boss could assign a different admin to LW.

        Reply ↓
  17. Account*

    #2–
    You’re overthinking it! I’ve gotten Valentine’s Day messages from, like, my bank and eye doctor. Just write “Happy Valentine’s Day! I hope you have a great one!”— it’s definitely a waste of time for HR to be organizing this but it’s not a big deal.

    Reply ↓
    1. KateM*

      I just hope that every single employee puts down their personal message as “happy Valentine’s day”. :D

      Valentine’s Day at workplace is by nature awkward, I think. Best to ignore it even exists.

      Reply ↓
      1. Kristin*

        I worked at a museum where we didn’t send each other valentines, but the staff would gather to complain about what their husbands (we were all women) had gotten or not gotten them the night before. I just sat silently through it. I’m seriously allergic to Valentine’s Day now. ;)

        Reply ↓
      2. anonny*

        I can see it going wrong if there’s someone at the workplace who might get… weird about ‘romantic’ gestures. It may be very unlikely, but personally I’d rather not trigger or exacerbate an uncomfortable or potentially dangerous situation (like stalking) due to a ‘morale-boosting’ workplace event.

        The kind of person who starts stalking someone over a company-assigned random Valentine’s is probably going to be doing that for whatever random reason, but it’s best to try and avoid it.

        Reply ↓
        1. Chas*

          Yes, I think there’s enough of a difference between a mail-merged “Happy Valentine’s day from [company name/vendor]” and a hand written “Happy Valentine’s day from [Person]” to make the latter a bad idea, (even if everyone knows people in the latter scenario were made to write them by HR.)

          Along with your point, I can also see it causing hurt feelings if someone puts a lot of effort into writing their card and only gets back the barest minimum of effort (assuming their assigned person actually bothers to sign it at all). Plus, my first thought was a very sitcom-esque situation where someone’s spouse/partner finds the card they received and starts thinking their spouse/partner is having an affair at work…

          Reply ↓
        2. loremipsum*

          I find that I agree. I am surprised an HR department would promote anything around a romantic holiday as an activity at work, but it is something that is supposed to be fun, albeit for commercial reasons, in the depth of winter.

          My spouse’s company has also had some eyebrow-raising events such as: giving all of the women in the company bouquets of flowers for International Women’s Day, leaving out half the staff. (This is an industry that is trying to attract more women to the field and they also have a lot of investment in efforts to do that.) However this struck me as well-meaning but off-note to have special treats for some people and not everyone, in a workplace. (Spouse said: everyone liked them though).

          Their HR department had an event along the candygram theme here around Thanksgiving where they gave out water bottles with candy in them, and in advance everyone was assigned a name to another colleague the company to write a little note about what they were grateful for about them, and they were placed in the bottle and given to them.

          Reply ↓
          1. Nightengale*

            I suppose different people feel differently about the level of romance in Valentine’s day. As someone who has never been in a romantic relationship, by choice, I see it as a day of pink and hearts. My office has been sharing candies and cookies and there are some decorations up. Most people in my office have romantic partners. It doesn’t seem to have romantic undertones here at work.

            Now being required to send Valentines to coworkers through HR I definitely don’t like. But I don’t see a few cutsey hearty things as making it a romantic holiday in a problematic way.

            Reply ↓
      3. Rex Libris*

        It’s a holiday where we honor the patron saint of epilepsy and beekeepers, who was beaten to death and beheaded on February 14th, by giving flowers and candy to loved ones, because reasons. I think the awkward ship already sailed. :-)

        Reply ↓
      4. Observer*

        Exactly.

        Not a big deal, but I think that HR is being stupid. Even if she cannot do anything about the more substantive issues the LW mentions (which is probable), there are almost certainly better ways to do inexpensive “fun” things that are less likely to be icky.

        Reply ↓
    2. Richard Hershberger*

      Yes, for this specific issue. The broader issue is that the company favors infantilizing games over adequate supplies in the restroom.

      Reply ↓
      1. Hlao-roo*

        The broader issue is that the company favors infantilizing games over adequate supplies in the restroom.

        Yeah, I was surprised to see “paper towels in the bathrooms” listed as a potential substantial change. All the places I have worked have always had adequate paper towels in the bathroom (or functioning hand dryers)! Providing paper towels is so basic (and much cheaper that the other much-loved substantial changes of more pay and more time off) that I am surprised Valentine’s candy is a higher company priority than paper towels.

        Reply ↓
        1. HonorBox*

          That doesn’t even seem like an HR issue. I get that employee satisfaction is probably part of what HR might oversee, but paper towels is pretty easy. Someone should just order a case or run to Sam’s/Costco and get a supply with their company card.

          Reply ↓
        2. doreen*

          I read “paper towels in the bathrooms” as a change and just assumed there were hand dryers but (some) people preferred paper towels.

          Reply ↓
          2. Eukomos*

            My company removed paper towels from the bathrooms because we have a lot of teens tramping through and making a mess with them, and the custodians didn’t want to deal with it anymore. The rest of us weren’t thrilled but that’s definitely up to custodial!

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        3. Observer*

          that I am surprised Valentine’s candy is a higher company priority than paper towels.

          I’m not. It’s cheaper to buy a big bag of candy once than to stock almost anything regularly. And it also takes more management. Even assuming that there is decent janitorial service who can make sure to actually fill the dispensers, someone needs to actually keep track of stock and make sure the orders get placed in a timely fashion.

          And, doing a one off project like this is a *lot* more “fun” than the grunt work of making sure that supplies are in stock.

          Reply ↓
    3. juliebulie*

      This is absurd. One of the great joys of graduating from school is that you think you’re putting all this nonsense behind you.
      I’d sign all of mine with “Stay Gold. – JB”

      Reply ↓
      2. Totally Minnie*

        Alas, there are people in the world who remember school fondly and try to bring the things that made them happy then into their adult lives.

        I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with that, but I do think it would be better to make these activities opt-in instead of opt-out.

        Reply ↓
      5. JustaTech*

        Yes!
        I just discovered when all of this stuff starts: my 2 year old’s class is apparently doing Valentines cards. When I found out *last night*. So I spent this morning’s webinar cutting out paper hearts for toddlers who can’t read.

        Is there a book somewhere of “all the holidays/seasonal activities you will be expected to participate in/bring something to school for”? I thought I would have until kindergarten before it was anything more than Halloween costumes.

        Reply ↓
        1. DotDotDot*

          My kids are in 5th grade and their school has a WEEKLY special day of some sort. It’s insane – even the kids are tired of it. Which is good, because then I don’t have to come up with a sports jersey/team colour/fictional character/teacher outfit.

          Reply ↓
          1. JustaTech*

            Good grief that’s way, way, way too much.

            And after all of my careful arts and crafts, my kiddo got sick and couldn’t go to school today. *sigh*

            Reply ↓
    4. iglwif*

      I agree in this specific instance — this is basically the equivalent of an office Secret Santa (which seem to be considered largely unobjectionable) except that employees don’t have to spend any of their own money on it and everyone gets the same gift.

      So I personally would not spend time or capital pushing back on it, and would just make my “personal” message very generic and enjoy my candy.

      Because the real problem is that this company apparently considers stuff like not enough paper towels in the bathroom not worth dealing with, and that’s what people should be pushing back on!

      Reply ↓
      1. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

        There’s a part of me that wants to suggest LW suggest to coworkers that they stack their cards in the bathroom under a note that says “paper towel alternatives.” But that would probably not be helpful.

        Reply ↓
    7. a trans person*

      As a queer (polyam) Pagan, I feel uncomfortable with this on both religious and sexual/romantic grounds. I think telling somebody with vague feelings of discomfort that they are “overthinking it” dismisses genuine concerns like mine; maybe they feel the same way I do and just can’t verbalize it yet.

      Reply ↓
  18. Knitting Cat Lady*

    I had a boss, who is now a coworker, who speaks with her mouth full.

    I feel you, #4.

    Lunch with that boss/coworker is terrible.

    Reply ↓
    1. Emmy Noether*

      Now I have flashbacks of that one coworker sitting directly across from me who would always eat at his desk, and always chew with his mouth open. I couldn’t even just not look, because it made noises. I developed a habit of having somewhere else to be at that time.

      Reply ↓
    2. Aldvs*

      At one job I had, the President of the company liked to take out different team members to lunch for mentoring and getting a feel for how different departments were operating. Great! Time with the President! But he had horrible table manners (in addition to talking while eating)!!

      He took me to a Greek restaurant and I had to watch him eat olives, pull the pits from his mouth with his fingers, suck on the pits, and place those pits right on the middle table between our two plates (we were facing each other). I lost my appetite, and it takes a lot for me to lose my appetite.

      With lunches from other team members there was–forcefully stabbing sushi rolls with chopsticks, him devouring a whole chicken with his hands (the man was not fat), the list goes on–everyone had a story!

      Reply ↓
    3. Toots La'Rue*

      My boss seems to save her snacking for meetings – she’s been on a starburst kick, so she’ll unwrap it, pop it in her mouth, and then like slowly work it as it wears away, creating a sloshiness in her mouth as she sort of juts her jaw out to hold the extra saliva from leaking while she talks and then slurps it down. Rinse. Repeat. She’ll have a pile of like 6 in front her that she manages to make last through longgggg meandering meetings (1-2 hours).

      Reply ↓
    1. Susie and Elaine Problem*

      I learned it as “Scissors/Paper/Rock” while my husband insists the correct version is “Rock/Paper/Scissors.”

      If only there were some quick and easy way for us to settle this dispute ;)

      Reply ↓
      1. Lady Lessa*

        There is actually an interesting mystery novel with the name “Rock/Paper/Scissors.” Nice read and our book club enjoyed it.

        Reply ↓
        1. AFac*

          This is how I know it, but every time I say it to people they all look at me like I have 3 heads.

          Except my sibling, but they grew up in the same family.

          Reply ↓
          1. Anonanonanon*

            Where did you two grow up? I grew up in San Francisco and also called it Rochambeau. I now live elsewhere in California and my kids call it Rock Paper Scissors.

            Reply ↓
      3. Cmdrshprd*

        You are sooo wrong that I think your husband needs to divorce you this instant. it is rock/paper/scissors and the Wikipedia entry calls it as such.

        calling it scissors/paper/rock is a grave injustice that can’t stand!

        Reply ↓
      4. Emmy Noether*

        For another variant, in German it’s Scissors-Rock-Paper (Schere Stein Papier), which is superior because the meter is more satisfying (DUM-da-DUM-da-DUM, and you move your hand to the rythm). So it should be scissors-paper-rock in English, but I’ve never seen it that way.

        If you end on scissors, do you make your sign on the “sciss”, on the “ors”, or on the beat after?

        Reply ↓
        2. Mezzo Blasto*

          The beat after! Where I live, it’s -invariably- “rock, paper, scissors, SHOOT!” where both of you throw your sign on the ‘shoot’.

          Reply ↓
      7. Lexi Vipond*

        Paper scissors stone – probably a lot of people in the UK do call it ‘rock paper scissors’ now, but a rock to us is something of a size that would squash you if it fell on you.

        I think you just go ‘1 2 3 go’ to reveal, though, but it’s a long time since I played it!

        Reply ↓
  20. Hiring Mgr*

    Maybe the fact that LW 3 has been there much longer is the reason the others are getting more support. They might think a 25 year veteran needs less assistance?

    Either way, sounds like you should take the offer of using another assistant

    Reply ↓
      1. Myrin*

        There’s nothing saying that OP didn’t go that route – she simply writes “I’m told […] to see if the other assistants can help” but it could’ve gone either way from there (I’d assume OP did end up going to another assistant because what else is she supposed to do?).

        But that can’t be the forever-and-in-every-scenario solution since it’s Abby’s actual job to support OP.

        Reply ↓
        1. Eldritch Office Worker*

          I agree! I’m wondering the details though. Does it keep other assistants from getting priority work done? Does it create confusion? Is it extra work for OP to communicate context that the other assistants might not have?

          If so that’s all important information to bring to the person who is assigning assistants because it quickly becomes an everyone problem as opposed to just an OP problem.

          Reply ↓
    2. Parenthesis Guy*

      I mean that almost certainly isn’t an ideal situation. For one, using a different assistant each time means that the tasks are new to them and thus take longer. For another, they didn’t offer another assistant. They said ask if another assistant is free. That means that the OPs tasks would rank the lowest and would only be done if an assistant had nothing else to do. That’s not a good spot to be in.

      Reply ↓
      1. Hiring Mgr*

        It doesn’t sound like the current system is working either though – and using the other assistant was a specific suggestion from the boss. There’s no indication that using a different assistant would cause any other problems

        I do agree that they all probably need to sit down together (boss, LW and co, assistants) and hash it out

        Reply ↓
    3. Also-ADHD*

      If these are departmental assistants, it is likely they do some of the lower-level project work maybe? A more senior associate with higher complexity projects might absolutely need more support in those areas, not less, in some fields (including mine). It’s not about “helping” the person based on their skills/knowledge necessarily but about clearing particular tasks. I’ve not quite seen this assistant/secretary setup precisely, though, so it’s hard to say. It seemed to me they included the seniority just to point out it’s not that the other person has been there longer (which might explain the issue in many — not necessarily well-functioning — teams and companies).

      Reply ↓
  21. Parenthesis Guy*

    “Our supervisor favors Abby and has openly defended her and made excuses for her, so he is not going to step in. What should I be doing? I’m frustrated and demoralized.”

    I’m confused by this statement. Your supervisor has stepped in. He’s said that Abby is correct and you are wrong. You can try arguing with him (that’s not going to end well), but he’s made it clear what he thinks about the situation.

    I like the idea of creating firm deadlines. I don’t think it’s going to work. If Abby is overloaded with work as your supervisor claims, then telling her she needs to get x done by a certain date won’t help. I think the conversation will be necessary. If Lucas will work with you, you can try to find a way to share the secretary’s time fairly.

    I do wonder what this means for your position. Are your tasks in fact being ranked lower than Lucas’s? If so, is Lucas seen as more important than you? Knowing that would be useful knowledge. You probably want to find out why Abby favors Lucas. I might try having a chat with Abby to see what her work load is like. Can you set up a 1 on 1 with her to see what’s happening and try to get more insight into why this is happening?

    Reply ↓
  22. ThisIsNotADuplicateComment*

    LW2 you’re right that this is weird but it also don’t feel worth spending any capital on. Write “Happy Valentines! Hope your day goes great.” on the card and forget about it. Recycle your own card without reading it (Optional).

    Reply ↓
  23. Cmdrshprd*

    “you can try to find a way to share the secretary’s time fairly.”

    Part of this might be that people/OP have different ideas of what fairly means. Is it Abby spends 4 hrs on OPs tasks and 4 hrs on Lucas tasks, I doubt that is possible.

    Depending on the tasks and priority sometimes most/all day might be taken up by an urgent task due that day, but OPs stuff is not due until end of the week. it would not be fair to putt off the earlier deadlines to work on OPs stuff an equal amount.

    Reply ↓
  24. LadyByTheLake*

    #1 — We use hypotheticals in interviewing at my company and find them very helpful. Some differences — we only use two, they are real world — often something we dealt with the previous month, AND we’re very clear that we’re not looking for the “right” answer but with how they would approach the problem. We’ve weeded out applicants who looked okay on paper but who can’t come up with how to approach the kinds of problems that they would be expected to encounter daily.

    Reply ↓
    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      This! Just said the same below before I saw your comment. It’s not about getting the “right” answer, it’s about seeing how your brain works and how you reason out problems that are very real and definitely happening in the job.

      Reply ↓
    3. Totally Minnie*

      At the interview for my current job, they specifically pointed this out. The interviewer said something like “our next few questions are going to sound like math problems, but we’re not asking you to come up with a specific mathematical answer. We want you to tell us how you would go about solving it and what data you would need in order to get to the answer.”

      My job requires high level problem solving skills, so it’s important to know if a candidate can look at a question and figure out what data they would need to answer it and how to go about getting that data. So they didn’t literally want to know what the most commonly used speed limit in our state was, they wanted me to show them that I’d be able to figure it out if I needed to.

      Reply ↓
    4. Guacamole Bob*

      Yes, this. I hire for roles that do data analysis to support policy decisions, so we usually include a question like “Imagine a senior leader came to you and wanted some analysis to help them choose which llama herd they should assign for the new automatic grooming brush pilot project. What kinds of data would you look for and how would you approach the problem?”

      It’s totally fine if candidates don’t know exactly how our data works or what metrics we typically use, but you can tell a lot from how someone talks through their initial thought process.

      We only use one or maybe two of these questions, though, mixed in with others.

      Reply ↓
    5. 14 ounce cup*

      Thank you. I too find hypothetical questions can be very illuminating. If others don’t, by all means, avoid asking them — but this is not something that We Must Be Outraged About.

      Reply ↓
      1. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

        I mean, there’s a huge difference between what the LW wrote about and what LadybytheLake wrote. 2 hypotheticals with an explanation for why they are being asked and what you are hoping to gain by them is not the same as a gauntlet of hypotheticals for no apparent reason. You even said “can be” so that must mean they also can not be, right?

        Also… can you not be so condescending? Someone who disagrees with you about something doesn’t need to be belittled. Nobody is outraged, except maybe you.

        Reply ↓
    6. Wellie*

      Yes! This type of question demonstrates growth mindset in the employer. They already know what you have already done—that’s what the resume is for. They want to know whether you have flexibility and creativity to handle situations you haven’t seen before. I’m surprised the answer didn’t touch on that facet.

      Reply ↓
      2. Branch*

        What those questions get, though, is what you say you’ll do in that new situation — which is not always what you’ll actually do!

        That’s true even when people try to be honest. For example, someone might be able to name the right steps to take as a project manager. That tells you nothing about whether they’ll have the fortitude to actually take those steps while weathering the cross-department politics of the job (especially if they’re so inexperienced that they underestimate those politics).

        Better to ask the candidate about times they’ve faced situations they haven’t seen before and how they handled them.

        On top of that — resumes are very condensed. They need unpacking.

        Reply ↓
  25. Targ*

    I have a clarifying q for OP3, if they’re here:

    I work in a small office where support staff are in teams, and I have a dedicated secretary and a dedicated assistant (“Abby”). The issue I’m dealing with is Abby supports me and two others

    I’m confused — is Abby your dedicated assistant, or does your team have a dedicated admin team? That’ll affect my answer.

    Reply ↓
    1. Ginger Baker*

      I figured the role is something like a paralegal – a paralegal does not do “secretarial” work but does handle specific legal-admin work.

      Reply ↓
      1. Targ*

        I’m an admin and I admit I *immediately* balked at the use of the word “secretary,” which is several decades out of date at this point.

        Reply ↓
    2. A Simple Narwhal*

      I interpreted as Abby is their designated assistant. Like there is a whole team of assistants and OP has been assigned to work specifically with Abby. Rather than relying on throwing work into the assistant pool and waiting for someone to grab it, they are assigned specific assistants to go to instead.

      Just my thought though!

      Reply ↓
  26. Caramel & Cheddar*

    LW 1 – when I used to hire, we’d ask situational questions that might come across as hypothetical to the interviewee but were absolutely ground in reality based on things that had actually happened. We were an events-based org, so think things like “Presentation #1 is scheduled to start in 15 minutes, but one of the panellists is MIA. At the same time, Presentation #2, which started 30 mins ago, is having a major technical malfunction. How would you handle this?”

    The idea wasn’t that there was a perfect answer or even a correct one, just that we wanted to see how you juggled being pulled in multiple directions in a situation where you really had to think on your feet. Do you go deal with the tech malfunction since that’s affecting attendees immediately? Or do you delegate that to someone with more technical expertise and hunt down the MIA panellist? How do you use the team you’re working with to help you get through the crisis? How do you delegate/manage staff? Etc. Could you just ask those questions directly? Sure, and that’s the basis of most “Tell me about a time when…” questions.

    This was 15-20 years ago, so maybe interview questions have evolved since then, but I mention the date range because it’s mostly in line with when you would have last been interviewing. Different sectors and even different companies within the same sectors are going to have different ways of interviewing.

    Reply ↓
    1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      We do the same with hypotheticals. I personally don’t love “tell me about a time when” because maybe that thing hasn’t ever happened to you. You’re then left trying to come up with something relevant in the same realm, recognizing they’re not looking for the actual story, they’re looking for…something else. Problem solving? People skills? Whether you could step in as the emcee for a no-show? I can go to “this calls for XYZ abilities, which I have and I can tell you how wonderful I am at those things”, which is okay if that’s what they hoped for. A follow-up question is always good if a candidate isn’t honing in on the thing the committee is hoping to learn.

      The actual stories are sometimes illuminating, though. I interviewed for an events coordinator years ago and about half their stories were about how some emergency happened and they leaped in and took care of everything at the last minute. They thought they were demonstrating awesome skills. I heard “adrenaline junkie who doesn’t plan far enough ahead and who loves feeling like a firefighter.” Didn’t hire that person.

      Reply ↓
  27. HR Exec Popping In*

    For letter writer #1, the interview being fully hypotheticals is odd. But interviews have changed a lot in 20 years. Now they are typically behavioral. For example, tell me about a time when… These can still be fairly taxing. I always recommend people develop a handful of stories they are prepared to share that cover common behavioral topics (dealing with conflict, collaborating, planning, problem solving, overcoming an obstacle, etc.) that also highlight their field’s technical skills and are on work relevant to the role in question. A good practice is to look the company up online to see if they have company values or behaviors that are important to them. Generally they will be looking for evidence that you demonstrate those values/behaviors.

    Reply ↓
    1. 14 ounce cup*

      Excellent advice. You want to take a page from politicians, who answer questions in a way that communicates the message that the politician wants to be communicated.

      Reply ↓
  28. Georgina Sands*

    #1 – In the hypotheticals v “tell me about a time when”, I think they’re testing different things. Hypotheticals, when appropriate to the role anyway, test whether the person knows what to do or knows what to consider and can be really useful in that context: “tell me about a time when” is more useful when you’re testing for someone’s experience in something. I’m currently fairly new at recruiting, and I’m recruiting for roles where people don’t require prior experience in the role (and almost nobody has any) and I’ve found people respond better to hypotheticals than “tell me about a time when” for the relevant skills: people often bring in their experience to the hypotheticals or discuss the question more confidently, whereas the only people who do well at the other kind of question seem to be those who are “good at interviews”. Although after Alison’s comments, now I’m worried it’s because I’m a bad interviewer haha, which is possible because I’m still pretty new at it!

    Reply ↓
    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      I think the other thing about hypotheticals vs “tell me about a time when”s is that “tell me about a time when” can be way too open ended and not actually home in on the thing you want to know about.

      I used an example up thread about a situation where two events were happening at once, something was going wrong at each of them, and the question was about how you’d manage that happening. “Tell me about a time when you managed competing priorities” could result in an answer that matches the scenario I was imagining, or it could just be something like “Manager wanted me to do prioritize a mailout, but Grandboss wanted me to do complete the minutes for an important meeting, so I [insert solution]” which is not at all what I’d be looking for. Sometimes a situational question is the right question.

      Reply ↓
    2. State worker*

      I think you are right. When I was returning to the workforce, I found the hypothetical situational questions easier than the “tell me about a time when” questions because it was often hard for me to recall the specifics of things that happened years ago.

      Reply ↓
    3. iglwif*

      I agree, and back when I was still a hiring manager, I tried to use a mix of both for most roles. “Tell me about a time when…” gives you insight into how the person has conducted themself, solved problems, and learned from experiences; “What would you do if…” gives you insight into how they approach problem-solving and apply what they’ve learned from past experiences to new situations, as well as telling you whether they are a “go it alone” or “delegate by matching skill sets to needs” sort of person, if that’s something you need for that role.

      Reply ↓
  29. Cabbagepants*

    #2 while annoying and off-base, the weird Valentine thing seems pretty easy to dodge with a generic response like Alison suggests. Just like how, if someone asks you how you’re doing, you can choose to say “fine, how about you?” even when you’re not fine.

    Reply ↓
  30. I'm just here for the cats!!*

    I’m a little confused about #5. Is this for all employees? If so it doesn’t seem right because you have to fill out FMLA paperwork to get FMLA. So if the company is saying they are deducting the hour from the FMLA balance, and the person hasn’t filled out FMLA paperwork, then they are doing something wrong. If everyone had FMLA without paperwork or qualifying then what would stop a company from deducting from your FMLA for any reason to be out sick?

    Reply ↓
    1. Pickles*

      From the letter, I read they have to be out weekly for an appointment. The reason they use fmla is because it’s reoccurring and ongoing.

      Reply ↓
    2. doreen*

      The employer can designate it as FMLA without paperwork if they have enough information to know that it qualifies. So they couldn’t do it if you called in sick for one day but taking a week off for surgery or an hour off for physical therapy appointments once a week gives them enough info. Of course, if you don’t tell the employer that’s why you want the time off, they can’t designate it as FMLA – but that also means they don’t have to give you the time off when you want it.

      Reply ↓
  31. State worker*

    I had the opposite experience as LW #1. I come from a government background where we do have “oral exams” that consist of a panel of situational/behavioral questions. After being out of the workforce for awhile, I started interviewing in the private sector and the “this is what we do” interviews were frustrating. I would try to elaborate on times when I had done those types of tasks, but I felt like I was answering questions I hadn’t been asked. Those experiences were actually one of the reasons I decided to focus back on government where the process was familiar and I knew what to expect. But I can see how it would be off-putting if you’ve never done an interview like that.

    Reply ↓
  32. CSRoadWarrior*

    #1 – I would flounder very badly at that interview. Fortunately, it is not the norm. Plus, I really hate lying in interviews, and that type of interview meant I would have to lie constantly.

    And funny Alison mentioned about the “Tell me about a time…” questions. Don’t even get me started. I really HATE those questions. I can NEVER remember anything I did at that moment.

    But yes, think about it before you accept an offer if you got one. Sometimes, it may be a red flag that the employer will not be a great one to work for. But as Alison said, they may just be bad at interviewing. I would say just trust your instincts; if you don’t feel comfortable, don’t accept the offer – unless you are in a position where you need a job right now.

    Reply ↓
    1. Saturday*

      I think for a lot of people, interview prep involves spending time thinking about (or practicing) how to talk about things they did so that they can pull out those stories for “tell me about a time” questions.

      Reply ↓
      1. metadata minion*

        Definitely! I will absolutely go blank in the moment, so when preparing for an interview, I’m going to review major projects I’ve done, and make some brief notes so I can look and go “oh, right, that thing that consumed three years of your life? You could talk about it here!”.

        Reply ↓
    2. iglwif*

      When I interviewed for my current job, the second (panel) interview was mostly behavioural questions and they adopted the accessibility practice of sending me the questions in advance.

      This was life-changing. I made nothing up and told no lies, but because I had had a day to think back and dredge up relevant situations, I was able to spend most of the interview answering the questions instead of spending part of it scrambling to come up with something I hadn’t prepared for. And the interviewers still had plenty of opportunity to probe and ask follow-up questions. It was great!

      Reply ↓
  33. learnedthehardway*

    OP#1 – The interview may very well have been set up like an exam – esp. if the role is one where there is a lot of problem solving or if the position is junior enough that the hiring manager doesn’t expect to have candidates with a lot of relevant experience.

    If I was recruiting a role where I wanted to hire for potential and for which I expected to train a person, I would structure questions that look for problem-solving capabilities, lateral thinking, creativity, resourcefulness, self-directed learning, ability to find connections between disparate pieces of information, common sense, etc. etc.

    Reply ↓
  34. LifebeforeCorona*

    A basket of cleaning supplies. I’d drop them off at the local food bank and send a thank you to HR for such a practical gift.

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  35. Red_Coat*

    As an admin for a team, I can think of a couple reasons why I prioritize things differently- even to the point that Person A’s work done before Person B’s consistently. Person A always has their thing organized- frex, their travel reimbursement has all their documentation digitized, in PDFs, and in order. Person B hands be a manilla folder of paper receipts and then adds to it over a couple days. Both are ‘correct’, but B tends to get their folder put on hold.

    Additionally, Person A is more likely to do things as scheduled- for a mailing, they have their text and data set ready to go- instead of having to chase them down “Who is this email going to? Parameters? Have you written the text?” only to have the mailing pushed back a month (which means all the work has to be redone).

    Honestly, a lot of it comes down to ‘ease’. Person A’s work will always get done first, because it doesn’t benefit from sitting on my desk for a few days, and it will take me less time to do because it’s ready. It’s easier to fit in a one hour of a task in my day than a six hour task.

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  36. RubyJackson*

    OP #1 – Where I work, the hiring committee is not allowed to ask any questions of one applicant that they do not ask of the others. They are also not allowed to ask any follow-up questions. There is a list of questions that they must ask of everyone and not stray from the list. This is to ensure everyone has an ‘equal’ chance. Perhaps the hypotheticals in your situation were to cover all bases without favoring one applicant over another.

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    1. Toots La'Rue*

      I wondered about that also! OP seems really concerned with seniority, favoritism and whose stuff is gotten to first (it doesn’t actually say that OP has missed any deadlines, just that they’re not the first to be prioritized). In my experience those are sometimes overlapping traits with people who think of admin staff as less-than. If Lucas is only three years in, he might remember better what it feels like to be lower in the hierarchy and treat Abby with more respect.

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  38. Anne D.*

    At a place I worked 2020-2023, anything that required seeing a medical provider at least twice for the same thing was considered a “chronic health condition” and you could use special chronic health leave for it rather than our one-bucket PTO. This could be PT for example. A bad sinus infection I had once would probably have counted if I was willing to do the forms. Prenatal care counted.

    But the chronic health leave also counted against FMLA. So if you ended up taking a week of chronic health leave in pieces for prenatal appointments over the course of a pregnancy, you only got 11 weeks of leave post-birth.

    If you weren’t someone who was going to use 12 weeks of FMLA in a year, it was one form of work in order to save the PTO. But if you were going to use all your FMLA, it was not great.

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  39. Susannah*

    Maybe the (ill-advised, actually stupid) Valentine’s day employee hookups has me thinking this way – but is it possible Abby and Lucas have some kind of relationship out of the office? (romantic or not?)

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  40. Anon0*

    I’ve interviewed with a company that was required to ask the same set of questions with no follow ups to all candidates for “equal opportunity” and I concur that those interviews were more or less an oral exam. I thought they were completely out of touch as someone who’s been on both sides of interviewing. It puts more pressure on the candidates to have perfect answers right away and doesn’t allow for mutual conversation to find out if it would be a good fit for both the candidate and the company.

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  41. Hroethvitnir*

    I have noticed a pattern of unsympathetic readings of anyone who is struggling with not getting their needs met by assistants. Comments assuming poor communication from the LW (seems unlikely when they’re writing to AAM about different approaches not working, now trying firm deadlines), or that the other person is “nicer (??). Sometimes people need assistance they’re not getting from their assistants without being secretly in the wrong.

    LW3 described having an allocated assistant who works with three people total, and is prioritising one person to the point where their work just isn’t getting done. They did not say that in as many words, but it’s willful misreading to pretend they’re describing a situation in which the work *is* getting done in a sustainable way.

    It also seems likely it’s not actually admin assistance if they also have a secretary.

    At the end of the day, the LW has work that is expected to be performed by assistants, so time is not allocated for them to be doing it. It’s not getting done or communicated on in a manner that is working.

    Best case scenario is Abby just has way too much work (classic) rather than any weird interpersonal stuff, but it’s still a *problem*. Asking someone who is not expecting to take on your work, who is likely exactly as busy as Abby, to fill in, is not a solution.

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  42. LW5*

    Thanks for answering my question, Alison! I genuinely thought HR was wrong about that, so this is very helpful. I’m having a crazy busy day but enjoying the conversations I’ve seen so far.
    The problems that folks in our office have raised are:
    1. Some managers let their supervisees flex time when they have a recurring medical appointment, while other managers tell HR about the appointments so HR can start using the person’s FMLA time. So, obviously not fair, and HR will need to make sure the policy is the same across the company.
    2. People who plan to become pregnant are worried that, if they have to use FMLA during the pregnancy, they will have less time to stay home with the baby when baby arrives. HR answered a question about this by saying ‘don’t worry about that’ which was (obvs) a little vague.

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  43. Raida*

    2. HR is sending everyone Valentine’s Day candy grams … from other coworkers

    I’d write back simply “I did not opt-in to this event. I will not be sending anyone a Valentines Day card, gift or message. My name is not to be digitally signed as though I had done so. I would prefer to be removed from the list of receivers, as well.”

    And make sure in catch-ups with your manager that you raise these HR fun attemps as a source of irritation, and point out that they are also poorly run, poorly thought out, inconsistent – although hey, that does show they aren’t spending too much time on these indulgences.
    And then, specifically tell the manager about the things you *want* to see HR putting effort in to.

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  44. Anonymous commenter*

    Re: #2: You should just submit a Valentine that says “I’m a computer, can I crash at your place tonight?” to HR. See if that ends the whole practice next year.

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  45. Sassafras*

    I’m confused by the responses to #1. This is the current gold standard interviewing process.

    Behavioral interviewing use to be questions like “tell me about a time when” but that was criticized because what if the applicant never had to deal with that situation? So now it’s usually hypothetical “Tell me how you would handle”. One advantage to behavioral interviewing in general is that it puts a bigger focus on EQ then hard skills. Your resume makes your hard skills apparent. If they are interviewing you they think you have the hard skills. Now they are trying to figure out if they want to work with you.

    I do think 20 of these is too many, the most I’ve ever been experienced is 10, but the fact that there was a panel and the questions were behavioral expecting STAR responses has been completely normal at all the well run places I’ve interviewed at in the past 8 years.

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    1. sarah g*

      I’m not sure what you’re basing that on but I teach interviewing to managers and behavioral interviewing questions are considered best practices, not hypothetical questions. Behavioral interview questions should be about things that are key qualifications for the job, so qualified candidates should not have the problem of not having examples to share. If that were happening, it would indicate the interviewer should revisit their behavioral questions to tailor them to the key qualifications they are screening for.

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