coworker masturbates in the men’s bathroom, employee doesn’t solve problems on her own, and more

by Alison Green on February 24, 2025

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker masturbates in the men’s bathroom

There is a guy in my office who will go into one of the stalls in the men’s bathroom for 20-30 minutes at a time. I have had the bad luck of entering a stall next to him and hearing audible masturbation noises. I think he does this every day we work in-office because I swear it’s happened 5-6 times. A coworker I’m close with has confirmed hearing it as well, so I know I am not going crazy. I have also seen this guy come out of the bathroom with headphones on, looking at something on his phone, so after repeated incidents, I’m pretty sure he just doesn’t know how loud he is.

Not sure how to handle this one. He is more or less doing it “in private” and I feel like HR would escalate things too much. We also were recently acquired by an international company and no longer have in-house HR. I don’t really want to tell someone halfway across the continent about a coworker’s bathroom habits. On the other hand, I would feel uncomfortable going up to him and saying, “Hey, I hear you jerking it every time we’re in the office, can you knock it off?”

Asking HR to intervene would not be escalating it too much. Far from it! This guy is not in private; he’s using a shared bathroom where coworkers are hearing him (and he’s apparently not even bothering to be discreet or to stop when someone is in a stall a couple of feet away from him). You don’t owe him privacy here; he owes you the ability to use the bathroom at work without being exposed to the sound of someone jerking off. “Not hearing someone masturbating” is pretty much a bare minimum expectation you should be able to have at work.

Talk to HR. Say you’ve heard others report the same thing, it’s gross, and you don’t want to be exposed to it.

2. My employee doesn’t solve problems on her own

I manage a department of three employees, and I’m struggling with how to supervise one of them.

We’re a high-performing team with various responsibilities, so everyone has a lot on their plate. All three employees have been with the company for about the same amount of time, so I expect them to have similar levels of knowledge. Betty and Sally are both friendly, approachable, take initiative, and are solid problem-solvers. Velma is quieter, takes little initiative, and often relies on me for answers or guidance. I don’t mind questions, but it’s become a regular occurrence, and many of these issues she should be able to resolve herself with a little effort, basic reasoning, or research.

This was understandable when she was first hired, but after more than two years, it’s become problematic. In previous one-on-one meetings, I’ve asked Velma to take more ownership of her problem-solving and attempt to find solutions on her own before asking me for feedback. I even listed this as a goal on her last annual review, but there’s been little improvement over the last year. Her responses often included that she wasn’t sure and knew I could find the answer faster, or that she didn’t have all the necessary information, even though I don’t always have it either and often end up taking a few minutes to figure it out myself.

I’m getting frustrated with the situation, and am frankly tired of giving the same feedback every few months. We’ve all had to learn this skill, and none of us needed this much hand-holding. Velma is a fine employee and does good work, but she’s not a star performer like her colleagues. I try not to compare them, but I’m aware it’s probably affecting my perspective. I know I need to start addressing this more directly in the moment, but I’m not sure how to do it without coming across as annoyed.

You need to escalate the seriousness with which you’re treating it. Sit down with her and name the pattern and what she needs to do differently: “We’ve talked about this in the past and it was a formal goal on your last review, but I’m not seeing the progress I need. Now that you’re two years into the job, I need you to take more responsibility for problem-solving and look for solutions on your own before coming to me. That’s true even if you think I can find the answer faster than you, because you won’t develop this skill without practicing it. So going forward, when you ask for helping solving a problem, I’d like you to include everything you’ve tried so far — whether it’s checking our documentation, looking through similar past projects, or XYZ (fill in here with specific things she should try in your context). If you haven’t tried solve it yourself first, I’m going to ask you to do that before I step in.”

Then, when she brings you a problem she should be able to solve herself, ask what she’s tried so far. And rather than jumping in to figure it out yourself, think about how you’d figure it out yourself and then ask her to take those steps instead of you. (Here’s some advice on how to do that.)

If after a few months of this you’re not seeing much improvement, this may be an ability she’s not likely to develop with the amount of coaching it’s reasonable to expect you to invest … at which point you’d need to decide what that means for her tenure in the job. In some jobs it would be prohibitive; in others it might just mean that she can’t advance or won’t be compensated in the same way as Betty and Sally are.

3. Do I have to keep working late now that I’ve resigned?

I recently resigned from my hectic 9-5 job to go back to school in May, giving two months notice instead of the usual two weeks.

The job is typically 9-5, but it is a busy time and in the past month I was added to two new accounts that are making me work late. I’ve been putting in about three extra hours of work per work day, and I don’t want to anymore. Will I be remembered poorly if I leave closer to 5 pm, or is there a tacit expectation that people aren’t going to go above and beyond when they’ve quit?

You should return to your regular hours. You generously gave them two months of notice instead of two weeks; you don’t also need to give them 15 extra hours of work a week! Frame it this way: “I won’t be able to handle these two new accounts on top of my regular workload — I have time to do X and Y but not Z, or I could do about half of each of them, but I can’t do everything that’s currently on my plate within a normal workweek. Can you tell me how you’d like me to prioritize, knowing that not all of it can get done? Or alternately, would it make more sense to reassign the two new accounts?”

If you hear you should just find a way to get it all done, you should say, “There’s not enough time in the work week to get it all done. I’ll do as much as I can, but I need to let you know that it won’t all get done.”

And then leave on time.

Related:
since I gave notice at work, my boss has tripled my workload

4. References when you haven’t had many jobs

I have been helping my daughter with her resume and applications for full-time employment (thanks to your column, we have great info), but there are many applications that are asking for three business references. She’s only had two part-time jobs, one in college and one she’s been at since graduation. Some of these are online where they won’t let her past the question without filling in all three. How do we navigate this? Each job has had only one supervisor/manager, so there aren’t even two levels of bosses she could add.

In a situation like this, it’s okay if all the references aren’t managers. Is there a coworker she could add, someone who worked closely enough with her to be able to speak to her work with some nuance? Ideally it would be a coworker who was senior to her, but if no one like that is available, she could list a peer.

5. Can you use FMLA for clinical trials?

I have a moderately-serious, life-shortening chronic condition (I have decades, not months, left, and I use a wheelchair outside my home) for which there is no treatment. About a year ago, I got the chance to do clinical trial for a new drug that was in development. It required a month-long in-patient stay in a treatment center.

I asked my work’s EAP if I’d be able to use FMLA for that, but they told me “you can’t use FMLA if it’s voluntary.” That seems wrong to me? After all, most medical treatments are technically voluntary, in that you could choose not to do them — sometimes with the devastating medical consequences, but you have the option.

I ended up working remotely during the trial, judiciously using PTO on days when I had a lot of procedures, but I still sometimes had to be on Zoom meetings while getting blood drawn.

Anyway, I’m interested in getting your take on that decision. Should it have been covered? What are the actual rules? I might do other trials in the future, and I’d like to be sure of my options.

Whoa, no, your work was 100% wrong. The law is clear that you can use FMLA for a clinical trial when it’s part of a serious health condition. The fact that clinical trials are considered “voluntary or elective” is not a factor. Your EAP may have been thinking of elective procedures for cosmetic treatments (like plastic surgery), which don’t qualify for FMLA — but they were fully wrong on the application here. In fact, the U.S. Department of Labor issued an opinion letter last year, affirming that employees may use FMLA for clinical trials.

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{ 68 comments }

{ 68 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    A reminder: We’ve had a recent increase in trolling here, and you can help me by NOT RESPONDING to it. If you engage, you are ensuring that troll will reappear.

    Instead, please flag the comment for me (just reply with a link, which will send your comment to moderation so I’ll see it). If you want, one person can respond “reported” so others know it’s been dealt with. But please do not engage. Thank you.

    Reply ↓
  2. Harriet Vane*

    Entirely apart from the grossness in #1, he’s spending 30 minutes at a time in the bathroom on what sounds like a daily basis, which means he’s not working during that time. That’s “I need a medical accommodation” territory.

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    1. Wellie*

      That’s “I will not monitor my coworker’s bathroom time” territory.

      Focus on the issue at, well, hand: OP needs to not overhear his coworker masturbating, or pooping, if that’s what the moaning is. Never mind how long the guy spends in there.

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    2. Hexiv*

      I don’t know if I agree it’s “I need a medical accommodation territory”, but it’s a hell of a long time to be blocking access to a toilet that you’re not actually using, just sitting on. Even if it weren’t gross, it’s clearly in the same category as “spending 30 minutes doing my hair in the bathroom,” it’s blocking up the bathroom with non-mandatory activities while people need that bathroom for the non-optional bathroom activities.

      Reply ↓
  3. Paul S*

    Alternative for LW1: Carry a glass of water with you to the bathroom. Next time he’s doing it, open the stall door, make sure nobody else is in the bathroom, sling the water over the door into his stall, and leg it. I guarantee this will stop at one, maximum two times.

    Reply ↓
    1. nonee*

      The laugh I had to suppress reading this, simply because I don’t want to have to explain to anyone else in the office what’s so funny!

      Reply ↓
    2. linger*

      Thus to conclude the previous thread: It’s not “medical accommodation” time, or “monitoring coworker’s bathroom” time; it’s “bucket of water” time.

      Reply ↓
    3. Offering help*

      Or just bang on the wall or asking loudly “Do you have problems? You do not sound well!” so he realises he’s not as discreet as he thought he was?

      I guess I would be embarrassed the first times I encountered that, but would get annoyed at some point. He is bringing awkwardness to his coworkers, so he doesn’t need to be handled with kid gloves. Return the awkwardness where it belongs!
      I’d find it harder to spell this out in front of HR.

      Reply ↓
  4. mango chiffon*

    Does the “watching something on his phone with headphones” thing seem to imply he’s watching adult videos in the office, or is that just my read of it. Yikes! Go to HR immediately!

    Reply ↓
      1. Teapot Connoisseuse*

        The two aren’t mutually exclusive – it’s generally accepted that guys can multitask in that regard.

        Reply ↓
  5. Free Meerkats*

    We dealt with something similar to #2’s dilema. We brought on an inspector form another workgroup in the city; he was qualified and looking for a better paying position. The job requires a lot of self-motivation and planning and he just couldn’t do it. Give him a single job to do and bing,bang,boom, it gets done. Tell him that he needs to complete x number of inspections by the end of the year and it didn’t. No amount of coaching could get him to the point he needed to be, it just wasn’t something he could do. He ended up moving to a workgroup with a drop in pay where he was given daily assignments and was successful to the day he retired.

    It’s very possible that the kind of work you need from Velma isn’t something she can do.

    Reply ↓
  6. Scarletta*

    re #1. Let’s clear one thing up: it’s not unusual for guys to knock one out in the toilet. But 5 – 6 times a day for 20-30 minutes each time? Upto 3 hours a day he’s missing in action (well, hiding in action)? Seriously? I’d be giving him a medal. But have you thought about having a word with him along the lines of “mate, if you’re beating the bishop in the bogs at least do it quietly”. See what happens.

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    1. A*

      The 5-6 times wasn’t mentioned as one day but as being repeated incidents leading the LW to assume that he is doing this every day based on how often he hears it

      Reply ↓
    3. tommy*

      yes, they have thought about having a word with the guy; they specifically said “I would feel uncomfortable going up to him and saying, ‘Hey, I hear you jerking it every time we’re in the office, can you knock it off'”

      Reply ↓
    4. Ellis Bell*

      I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect a colleague to have to explain why audibly masturbating at work a few feet away from others isn’t actually okay. This is something the guy should know without a memo. Though there’re definitely times when colleagues need to say something is bothering them before going to HR, this isn’t one of them.

      Reply ↓
    3. Nina*

      Eh, no. It sounds like at this point it’s reasonable to assume he doesn’t know that what he’s doing is audible. It’s not illegal to do private activities in a place where you have a reasonable expectation of privacy. For a reasonable person, ‘hey just so you know, people can hear that and it’s gross’ would be enough to put a stop to the behaviour immediately, but it sounds like he hasn’t been told that.

      Is rubbing one out in a work bathroom cubicle an example of great judgment, no it is not. Is it something the police should be called about, absolutely not.

      Reply ↓
      1. LaminarFlow*

        I am with you here – telling him that other people can hear him should be enough to get him to stop, find another bathroom somewhere else, or just quietly do his thing in the loo so it isn’t discernible from the typical bathroom activities. But, I also know that some folks would be excited to know that other people can hear them masturbating in the company bathroom, and they definitely won’t stop or even tone things down because it is a thrill.

        Reply ↓
        1. Agents of T.E.R.F.*

          But, I also know that some folks would be excited to know that other people can hear them masturbating in the company bathroom, and they definitely won’t stop or even tone things down because it is a thrill.

          You’re not wrong…

          Reply ↓
  8. Bob*

    Actually, rereading the letter it’s possible (against catastrophic odds) he doesn’t realize he’s being loud, so a hilarious note placed on his desk to find when he comes back would be an option.

    “Dave, the entire office knows you’re Jerking off in there, we all hear it. Stop.”

    Reply ↓
    1. SAS*

      Yes, I would have no issue going to my supervisor over this, but given OP doesn’t want to do that, my thought was either an anonymous note on his desk or in the men’s bathroom “please do not masturbate in work bathroom” OR an email to a group of men on the floor basically saying what he has here:

      “I overheard someone masturbating in our work bathroom. I think speaking to HR would probably escalate it too much, and I really don’t want to have that conversation with them. Please don’t do it again.”

      Reply ↓
    2. Seal*

      Per the LW he comes out of the bathroom wearing headphones, so assuming he wears them IN the bathroom he may well not know he’s being loud. Or he could have the mindset of those who talk on their cellphones in the bathroom, who seem to think that 1) no one else can hear them because each stall is equipped with a cone of silence and 2) the person they’re talking to won’t realize they’re multitasking.

      If that is indeed the case, a note on his desk may be the way to go. While a well-timed flush or fart can be very effective in shutting down bathroom cellphone users, I suspect that may not be the case for this guy.

      Reply ↓
  9. Ganymede II*

    So if you were in HR’s shoes for #1, how would you start this conversation? I’m getting second-hand mortification just thinking about it.
    I suppose this is one of these “just get straight to the point” situations, but maybe not? Do you have to assume what the coworker overheard is right? Do you need to ask “what are you doing in the bathroom for 30 minutes a day?”

    Reply ↓
    1. allathian*

      Do it in writing, with a note you leave on the guy’s desk rather than on any company systems.

      Just one more reason to be grateful that my job is still mostly WFH and that the office has single-stall bathrooms only.

      Reply ↓
    2. Ellis Bell*

      You would get straight to the point. For one thing, you need to make sure they understand, and agree to stop, or have an opportunity to offer up a different explanation on the very remote chance that there is one. But everyone involved deserves to have this dealt with forthrightly. (something punny about not jerking around? nah) Besides, I’m not sure why OP thinks the remoteness of HR is a bad thing, I imagine both sides of this conversation would prefer it to come from someone the colleague doesn’t have to see a lot of.

      Reply ↓
  10. General von Klinkerhoffen*

    It is unusual to encounter such a clear exception to the fiction that bathrooms are perfectly sound-insulated.

    Reply ↓
    1. Marmalade enjoyer*

      It certainly puts the responses to Wednesday’s letter (“Working from home while men’s bathroom is out of order”) in a different light!

      Reply ↓
  11. WoodswomanWrites*

    #1 — You know that at least one of your colleagues has had the same awful experience of being in a stall next to this guy. Can the two of you agree that if you encounter the situation again, you can bang a few times on the wall between the two stalls? I imagine you could get out of your stall quickly enough at that point that you could remain anonymous. It could be worth a try to make that guy stop with his truly gross behavior.

    Reply ↓
  12. Gato*

    #2

    Fear of failure can be a strong block. Assurances that she won’t be punished for mistakes made when trying to solve on her own would go a long way to overcoming this obstacle.

    When she brings up the idea that you would be able to answer faster, or the fact that she didn’t have all the relevant information, let her know what you shared in your letter: that you also have to spend time looking it up, and so no efficiency is being gained.

    Reply ↓
  13. anon for this one*

    Re. LW5, just wanted to note that despite being commonly misused, “elective” in medical parlance actually just means “not an emergency/not urgent”, i.e., the treatment can be scheduled a suitable time for the patient, doctor and facility. It is not a synonym for “not medically necessary” or “optional”. Most necessary medical procedures are in fact “elective”.
    “

    Reply ↓
  14. Double standards =/= real standards*

    Laughing at the responses to LW1. Let’s not pretend for one moment that the responses would be anything like as uniform in their condemnation of his behavior as “gross” and “deviant” if he were a woman disappearing with one of her “toys” for thirty minutes at a time.

    Reply ↓
    1. Lizard the Second*

      I’m curious why you believe that. Are you are a guy who assumes everyone would think it’s hot? Because no, it’s still a gross thing for a woman to do at work.

      Reply ↓
      1. Double standards =/= real standards*

        Because I’ve lived and moved in the world long enough to know that one is considered gross and pathetic—if not outright dangerous—and the other as beautiful and empowering.

        And no, not even a little.

        Reply ↓
    2. Nodramalama*

      Um no. Its wildly inappropriate either way and everyone’s answer would be the same. Also, fyi, women can also do that without toys.

      Reply ↓
      1. Double standards =/= real standards*

        Also, fyi, women can also do that without toys.

        I didn’t know that… you’re telling me this for the first time… /s/

        Reply ↓
  15. anoooon*

    Re number one.

    I went to use the stall in the men’s room at the place I work and I found a bottle of hand lotion in the stall.

    D:

    Moved the lotion. We have no idea who the phantom wander is.

    Reply ↓
  16. Cats Ate My Croissant*

    OP2 – the “she wasn’t sure and knew I could find the answer faster” bit is a very ‘lazy teen’ type answer. It’s like my offspring grousing “you’re better at this, you do it” regarding housework*. I wasn’t born knowing how to sort laundry or which products are best for scrubbing the toilet, kid, I learned by doing it and so can you!

    * aged 13-ish. He’s an adult and a lot more competent now.

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  17. I should really pick a name*

    #3
    It sounds like they have extra projects because it’s busy time, not because they gave notice.

    Reply ↓
  18. Rainy Cumbria*

    For #2, I used to have a manager who would ask what ideas I had. Often it’s a case of them knowing the answer but not having the confidence to follow through, or wanting someone to confirm they’re doing the right thing.

    Reply ↓

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