weekend open thread – March 22-23, 2025

by Alison Green on March 21, 2025

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Real Americans, by Rachel Khong. This is an epic family saga told in three generations: a pair of scientists who fled China’s Cultural Revolution, their daughter, and the son she has in America with the wealthy heir to a pharmaceutical company, whose business is intertwined with her parents in ways she learns of only later.  (Amazon, Bookshop)

* I earn a commission if you use those links.

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  1. Ali + Nino*

    Any makeup recommendations for dark under eye circles? I’m in my mid-30s, have always had them, and they are only getting worse. I’ve been looking on youtube but all the recs require lots of products and I want something fast and easy on a pharmacy budget.

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    1. theinone*

      I generally only do my makeup for colorguard, but for those 4am call times and the drum corps season, I generally do my regular foundation, then concealer to counteract the darkness that’s still visible, then I have a nude eyeshadow palette that I do a little of the lightest shade under my eyes like a highlighter, almost.

      I use almost exclusively drugstore makeup, so the foundation is Wet n Wild photo focus (under 10$), the concealer is a Maybelline one I got like four years ago, the eyeshadow is the Wet n Wild Color Icon palette in Nude Awakening.

      It works for performance makeup where the look is more important at a distance, anyway. Might not look as good up close. The eyeshadow is lightly glittery so maybe skip that step and use some form of pressed powder.

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    2. Double A*

      Yes, the Maybelline instant rewind eraser. I first bought it because it was recommended for “mature” skin because stuff starts to look cakey as you get older. It blends really well. It works great and is readily available in drugstores.

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    3. RLC*

      I use two shades of concealer: first a warm peachy tone (the “corrector”) on the dark circles and set it a with a miniscule bit of my regular loose powder applied with a tiny fluffy eyeshadow blending brush; follow with concealer a smidge lighter than my foundation; then foundation over that and set as usual. For shade inspiration you could browse the webpages of major cosmetic companies, look for “color correctors” and see what shade of corrector is recommended for your skin tone, then look for a similar shade in a pharmacy brand. (They may not label it as a “corrector”; but one person’s perfect “concealer” shade match is a “corrector” for another skin tone.)
      Key to successful results is avoiding accidentally blending the corrector shade with the concealer shade.
      If I don’t have time or inclination for this routine, I’ve found that Pacifica’s “Dreamlit Glow” concealer provides very full coverage on its own. Unfortunately very limited shade range.

      Reply ↓
    4. Tha Panda*

      Lancome Effacernes – but omg I no longer see it on their home page so am going on a quest to stock up! Has been my go to product for many years, it doesn’t dry out the skin as much as Maybelline.

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    5. Storm in a teacup*

      A colour corrector under concealer is perfect. Works really well and ELF do one although I think Bobbi Brown make the best ones.
      Key is finding the right shade for your skintone

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    7. Bunch Harmon*

      Besides covering it up, you may want to look into a caffeine under eye cream. It’s good for dark circles and puffiness.

      Reply ↓
    8. mreasy*

      I use Glossier stretch concealer. It’s not quite drugstore price but one pot lasts for ages. I use a makeup sponge but you can easily use it with your fingers – the best I’ve seen that doesn’t dry out my skin or get flaky.

      Reply ↓
    9. HamlindigoBlue*

      I use Tarte Shape Tape Color Corrector in pink. It works great to neutralize the purple. They have other neutralizing colors to choose from, like peach, orange, red, etc.

      Reply ↓
    10. AJB*

      Also in my mid 30s. I started using cerave under eye cream and it’s been a game changer. Not makeup but it helped with my dark circles and wrinkles.

      Reply ↓
  2. old curmudgeon*

    Alison, how long did you have to wait to get that four-deep bunkbed photo?? They’re adorable (of course!), but it must have taken ages to get four of the clowder posed that way, plus three of them actually looking at the camera!

    That sets my weekend up on a terrific note – thank you!

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  3. My own worst frenemy*

    hey fellow francophones. I am looking for your french podcast recommendations (available on Spotify) – I consider myself pretty fluent but will be traveling to a francophone country for the first time in years and want to brush up. please no news or politics. Merci bcp!

    Reply ↓
    1. Teapot Translator*

      Is the country you’re traveling to Canada (French part)? I ask because I have a recommendation, but it’s no use if you’re going to Europe. The accent is quite different.

      Reply ↓
      2. Weekend Warrior*

        Since I’m all over these replies…just wanted to say that I saw a bus ad today for Québec City and Québec in general with the tagline “L’accent d’Amérique”. C’est vrai!

        Reply ↓
    2. Weekend Warrior*

      Searching for “les meilleurs podcasts” will find you Franch and other European podcasts; in Canada the term is “balado” or “balados”. :) Whew – there’s a lot to choose from!

      Reply ↓
    4. K*

      No specific recommendations for the moment (at least respecting your no politics request) but I tend to enjoy browsing in the Radio France app as you can listen to specific stations live as well as browse “podcasts du moment”.

      Reply ↓
    5. Anon-E-Mouse*

      Not a podcast recommendation but I wanted to mention how useful I found Duolingo’s Max subscription (the level that includes AI-powered roleplays and video chats) for warming up my rusty French skills. I lived and worked in Paris for a few years and was at about Level C1 almost 20 years ago but hadn’t practiced much in the intervening years. Duolingo for a few weeks helped bring a lot of French back to the tip of my tongue.

      Reply ↓
    2. CheeseFrog*

      My kiddo got me the green countertop cheese grater I had seen on YouTube short videos and it’s just ridiculous fun. So far, it works well and for some reason it feels like playing with an easy bake oven type toy. It’s a real kitchen tool and does what is necessary but it is green and kinda looks like a big mouth frog from certain angles and it just makes me giggle while food prepping.

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    3. goddessoftransitory*

      It hasn’t happened yet but making a pastitsio for dinner this week! So yummy and I don’t make it often.

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    4. Frieda*

      We had a blizzard which meant I got to go snowshoeing twice! Once the weather was actually great – sunny and clear.

      Reply ↓
    5. But what to call me?*

      I successfully wrote an action scene in the sci-fi story I’m writing! (for fun, not work). Usually I struggle with anything beyond disembodied voices talking into a void.

      Reply ↓
    6. Elizabeth West*

      My Christmas cactus is blooming AGAIN! He bloomed once all over, and then I repotted him and the Easter cactus in bigger containers. They both looked much perkier afterward. He must be happy in his new pot — he threw out another big flower, and now there are four buds and another big flower.

      I think he’s just showing off at this point, lol.

      Reply ↓
      1. RLC*

        I love the mental image of a plant showing off!
        We inherited a Christmas cactus a few years ago when my in-laws moved to elder care; repotted the neglected little cactus and added it to our colony of adopted houseplants. Last fall it expressed its happiness in our home with a flurry of bloom.

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    7. PurlsOfWisdom*

      I have perfected a pattern for a crochet earring that I have been working on (with many failed attempts). Now that’s out of the way I can make a pair for myself as well as for 2 of my best friends!

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    10. WoodswomanWrites*

      What made me happy this week is a thread at Ask A Manager!

      I hadn’t visited the site in a few days so tonight I’ve been catching on recent posts. I have been totally drawn into the post asking about the care of fish in an aquarium at a pre-school. I don’t have pet fish nor plan to get any, but the knowledge of people who commented in response to the letter writer’s question is amazing.

      I learned lots of cool stuff about caring for pet fish that I didn’t even realize I wanted to know. And of course I hope the subject fish benefit from the advice.

      If you haven’t read this engrossing thread, you can check it out at https://www.askamanager.org/2025/03/my-coworker-isnt-willing-to-tell-a-teenager-helper-that-hes-accidentally-killing-all-our-fish.html/

      Reply ↓
    11. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      A great haircut! It’s been 6 months since my last one. I’ve been looking for someone who knows how to cut curly hair since I moved here 4 years ago.

      Reply ↓
    12. Seamyst*

      I was productive yesterday on my day off! I finished the purse organizer I was making for my new leather tote (from Portland Leather Company, highly recommend), extended the back pockets on a pair of store bought pants so I can actually fit my phone in them, and replaced the sleeves on a handmade top with a style that works better with the fabric.

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    13. PhyllisB*

      I have two!! Tomorrow’s my birthday (74. How did that happen?) and we’re going to visit our oldest daughter for the weekend!! It’s nice when your children get old enough to want to do for you.

      Reply ↓
    14. GoryDetails*

      Spring is springing – my snowdrops are blooming, birds are returning, and I even saw a bluebird at my suet feeder! (They don’t nest in my yard but it’s nice to see one even when it’s just passing through.)

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    15. Flower*

      My local library branch had a story time for grown-ups!! I always envied the little kids who got read to. The librarian read us four short stories. It was wonderful!

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    16. RagingADHD*

      I discovered the magic of the mantua-maker’s seam, and the bodice of my Regency ballgown came together so quickly, with the seams inside already having a clean finish! The fabric is semi-sheer and unlined, so a nice finish is important.

      I should be able to get the whole thing completed today, just in time to take some hand mending for other people’s costumes on our beach trip tomorrow and have everyone be resplendent at the ball.

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    17. Voluptuousfire*

      For me:

      * I went to go pick up my friend for her chemo on Wednesday and driving there during rush-hour, I hit all the lights from my side of the road to her side of the road, which is about 3 miles or so, and got all the green lights. I cannot stress how rare this is.
      * my friend got her chemo blood work back and it’s showing that it looks like her chemo is working. Absolutely delighted to hear that.
      * I also found a really nice hat in Old Navy for the summer for $3.47.

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    18. Dontbeadork*

      We had an extended power outage that kept me off my computer for several hours, so I actually did some sorting on my stamp collection! That means I’ve finally managed to tidy up much of one corner of our “office” as well.

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    19. Girasol*

      First daffodil. Also, the tax accountant discovered an calculation error in my retirement account. Now that it’s found it’s getting fixed. Sometimes I think I should buckle down and prepare my own taxes but I never would have spotted that. So my decision to send them out is justified and the tax accountant has just saved me a lot more than he will charge.

      Reply ↓
    21. Chauncy Gardener*

      Our new rescue kitty is assimilating very quickly. She eats out of the dog’s bowl (while he is) and he lets her!
      We’re so happy about this!

      Reply ↓
  5. Hypoglycemic rage (she/her)*

    Hi! Does anyone have any favorite Aldi snacks for a type 2 diabetic?

    I got my A1C checked today and I have not gotten the results yet but I know it’s not gonna be as good as it was in the fall (6.1). I haven’t walked as much as I did then – I get a little over 10,000 steps on the weekdays but most of that is just walking around the office I work at.

    I’m not on any medication and I don’t track what I eat. I am a little overweight and I’m sure my doctor would love to put me on medication (that’s the first thing he suggested when I got diagnosed, he said he prob couldn’t get me on it for weight loss but would have better success for diabetics) but my dietician and I don’t want that. But I do really try and watch what I eat – not perfect but definitely better. I try and limit my carbs to 30-45 per meal, and under 15 max for snacks. If I go over I try and balance as much as I can.

    Anyway I do most of my shopping at Aldi!

    Reply ↓
    1. RagingADHD*

      Shelled pistachios or pepitas are my go tos. They also help boost your magnesium, which is important if you’re limiting carbs.

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    2. Type 1*

      Hi there. While I’m type 1, the advice still applies: eat a snack of protein, maybe some fat. I eat cheese, for example, or peanut butter. The combo of protein with a little fat keeps you fuller longer.

      Reply ↓
      1. PhyllisB*

        My ex son-in-law was diabetic, and his mother told my daughter to make sure he ate peanut butter and Graham crackers before bed. My husband’s type 2 and he does that, too.
        I’m not diabetic, but two of my favorite snacks are and apple or pear with peanut butter and a few Ritz crackers. I know the Ritz are a no-go for diabetics, but maybe some whole grain crackers? Or string cheese with fruit and a few crackers. Or just a handful of low salt/unsalted nuts if you can eat them.

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    3. Banana Pyjamas*

      Those are the same guidelines our family follows. No tips for Aldi, but FYI the Trim Healthy Mama plan follows that pretty closely. The starter book gets you the info you need, and misses most of the Christianity and gender essentialism. There ARE large, online communities for the plan, but I’m not in any since I really didn’t want to deal with diet culture, fundies, or gender bs.

      Reply ↓
  7. ThatGirl*

    Our house is 30 years old and we’ve needed new floors forever. I would also really like to update the kitchen in general. So I’m now looking at renovators in the area and setting up consultations.

    I’m curious if any of you have done a full cosmetic facelift (floors, cabinets, countertops) in the last few years and how much it ran you. I was hopeful we could keep it under $50k but I’m not sure if that’s realistic.

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    1. Former Local*

      We recently did a big remodel of all the bathrooms and kitchen in our new house (last renovated in the 90s). one of the things we did I highly recommend is we did Ikea cabinet boxes and then custom cabinet doors and panels. it was about half the cost of doing a fully custom kitchen!

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      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        This is what we are looking at doing (but also part of a bigger reno + I’m not in the US so I can’t really give you numbers…) the IKEA kitchen planner is also pretty good and will give you a price for everything you select (obviously if you don’t go with their appliances, or do custom doors that will be a bit off but it could give you a general idea)

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    2. Sloanicota*

      My kitchen is very small (just a galley) and I did floors, cabinets, walls and some plumbing/electrical for $30K. That was more than I wanted to spend. Included new fridge, not new oven. I do think it will pay off when I sell the house because the previous kitchen was basically derelict (like, there was a hole in the floor) but it was more than I wanted to pay and if I’d known it would end up being that much, I probably would have waited, broken it up in stages, or tried to do more things myself. It was the classic “bid is reasonable, but whoops everything ends up being an add on” situation.

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      1. Sloanicota*

        Should have said, very high cost of living area, and possibly a more expensive time – we were just past all that lumber shortage stuff, but maybe if I’d waited? There’s now likely to be a recession so prices may have dropped for labor …

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      2. ThatGirl*

        We are in Chicago metro so not dirt cheap but not most expensive either. I am willing to wait on little cosmetic things like paint or new pantry shelving but we’re not super handy and I’d prefer a pro do the big stuff. It will both make me happy and increase our house’s value. And thanks :)

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        1. Sloanicota*

          I was definitely happy I hired a pro overall; I had no ability to hang my own cabinets or re-wire and re-plumb the wall for a dishwasher (many people do have these skills! Just not me). I would have had to strong-arm various friends into service, and I try not to do that when I am able to pay. There *were* things I could have done, like demo, tiling, painting … but honestly once you’re on the rollercoaster it seems like too small a drop in the bucket to be worth the extra effort …

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    3. Poquito Gordito Pinguino*

      Also recommending Ikea! We did a kitchen cosmetic renovation (floors, paint, new cabinets, quartz counters, undercabinet lighting, etc) for about $13,000 CAD a few years ago. Got engineered hardwood floors at a big box store on a double sale (buy more save more combined with a save the tax weekend). My hubs is very handy so we saved a ton because he did all the work besides the stone counter top himself. The Ikea cabinets have held up beautifully. Ikea used to do a kitchen event every year where you got 10 percent back in gift cards (which I used for things like drawer separators and a rug). I’m not sure if they still do this but if so, its worth waiting for!

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    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I did cabinets and counters – an L-shape on two walls of a roughly 12×12 kitchen, plus a butler’s pantry on a third wall, floor to ceiling – from IKEA for about $5k installed a few years back (including the installers removing the old stuff and taking it to the ReStore or the dump as appropriate). New sink, no appliances, and I did the painting myself. I just picked basic ikea cabinet fronts under the theory that if I wanted to replace them in a few years I could, though I did get nice handles and drawer pulls.

      We didn’t do floors at the time, but my husband’s brother installed four rooms of laminate flooring I bought at Costco for about $800 last year. (That part is probably not terribly helpful.)

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    5. Not your typical admin*

      My husband and I flip houses, and my so and his friend just started doing basics renovations for us, so I have a little experience in the area. At least in our city, you could easily get it done for that much, depending on what all you want done.

      So so much depends on what materials you’re going with, and how much of your layout you’re changing. If you can avoid running extra plumbing/electric that will save you a lot.

      For materials look at overall quality. For flooring the most popular right now is luxury vinyl plank (lvp). The kind we use is waterproof, and extremely durable. One upgrade we did in our personal house was to get scratch proof. You can literally take a nail, scratch the top, and there’s no damage. We have 4 teens, and with them and their friends in the house that was a necessity.

      For countertops, granite and quartz are popular, but there’s also beautiful Formica that looks like granite, and holds up well.

      One thing I would recommend is instead of going to a big box store for everything go to a local places that specialize in each thing. You’re going to get a lot more options and better customer service. If you want a general contractor to oversee everything they’ll also have great recommendations. They know who knows that they’re doing.

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      1. ThatGirl*

        We will not be moving any plumbing or electric or changing the layout + most of the appliances are fine (maybe a new fridge). I want quartz countertops but am willing to compromise if they’re stupid expensive. Floors… I like bamboo but that seems to have fallen out of favor. LVP is definitely a possibility. Anything above builder grade will be an improvement!

        Ideally I want one person to help me pick and oversee it all, but I realize there may be a premium for using a builder/remodeler.

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        1. Not your typical admin*

          I love bamboo – just not familiar with how it holds up with water. My primary focus when I was picking out was durability and then looks. At least here, quartz is more expensive, but not outrageously so.

          Like I said – I would stop in a couple of local flooring or countertop places and ask who they recommend as a GC. I’ve found they tend to know the best people who aren’t outrageous, yet know what they’re doing. If you have any friends who are realtors, they probably have some good leads to. It would be worth it to me to have someone overseeing and coordinating everything since you’ll have multiple projects

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        2. fallingleavesofnovember*

          This would be an added cost, but just to say that working with a designer could also be something to think about – particularly one who can help with “materials selection”. My husband and I hate shopping and so we’re really enjoying have someone where we can be like “our budget is $$ and we like x colours” and then she comes back with stuff for us to consider. The one we found is only adding a few thousand to our budget. She’s also really helping us with the little finishing touches, like needing little panels for the IKEA cabinets to make them look a little nicer.

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      2. Strive to Excel*

        I have cats and we were concerned about potential leakage, so when we remodelled my tiny house we got the variety of vinyl plank that locks together to prevent liquids from getting under the planks. It’s very clever. I like that it has a lot of the visual appeal of wood while being a lot more moisture resistant and easy to clean. It’s also not super cold like tile. Would recommend.

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    7. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Probably doesn’t count as “the last few years” because it was 2016. We did that with only one layout change (moving the fridge) which didn’t cost much, and we replaced most of the appliances. If we hadn’t replaced the appliances it would have been about $50K. We splurged on the counter, hood vent, and backsplash, used stock cabinets, and got an upgraded vinyl floor.

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    8. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      I’m in western Washington and our remodeling was a bigger effort so I can’t advise directly on cost but that sounds low if someone else is doing all the work.

      I have a friend who did her kitchen for somewhere around this amount with a lot of effort. She got Ikea cabinet boxes, then got most of the fronts from Scherr’s and one set of paintable doors from Semihandmade. She also shopped at a place that sells secondhand stuff for remodeling so she could pick up things like a slab of granite for the countertop in her little bar/glassware area. She had to be very flexible and opportunistic on design for some things and that took time on her part to bring the pieces together before they started the actual construction. They had one very talented guy who did all the work so if one item got delayed, like tile that got held up for a while, he could shift to doing another part of it. All of which is to say, there are ways to save money on the parts but that’s time value on your end.

      Our house is about the same age as yours. Bigger project; we needed to take down an internal wall, add a laminated beam for support, add an island and more. We also did a bunch of other things at the same time and I truly can’t break out the “just the kitchen” costs. We did flooring through the whole house, baseboard and trim to get rid of the builder-grade stuff, new appliances, enlarged a window. This is the last house we’re going to buy so we were making decisions we’ll live with for decades. (Glad we’d moved the right direction from higher COL to lower COL area to make all this possible.)

      First piece of advice: Yes, you have a budget. If you’re hesitating on something you want and you’re able to think that years from now those extra dollars won’t make as much difference as knowing you could have had it the way you wanted it and you’ve lived with not-quite-right all these years, I say go for it.

      I said this in a reply to someone else’s remodeling question a while back, “The agony of low quality lingers long after the sweetness of low cost is gone.” Particularly for something you can’t change easily later like countertops. Everyone is in a different financial situation; I’m able to say that I’d be kicking myself now if I’d saved $3,000 two years ago on a specific decision that I’ll live with for decades.

      We were able to spread out some of the purchases, like buying the appliances during a sale and storing them in the garage until we started the project.

      Second piece of advice we got that almost worked right: Get the things you have to purchase before the labor costs start and inspect everything to make sure it’s right. Otherwise the project stretches out while you wait for something to be delivered, the crew gets tasked to other jobs and can’t come back to yours for a while, and it will take far, far longer. We almost had this right but we were getting Kraftmaid cabinets, they got a piece wrong (created by an error at our local cabinet shop, not their fault), and it took a long time to get the replacement because that was only one piece and not the whole kitchen.

      If you can just reface the cabinets, not replace the entire boxes and change the layout, you can save a lot. That wasn’t an option for us. The house had been a rental and some of the lower cabinets had genuinely rotted out from a leak. We were also making enough changes that the existing cabinets just didn’t work.

      We worked with a designer after I spent some time trying to figure out how to make use of a space that was both sort of too big and stupidly arranged. (Don’t put a stove into an angled corner with almost no counter space, sheesh.) We bought the house knowing we’d have to do a pretty major remodel. I thought I’d be able to do the design by reading a bunch about work zones and thinking about kitchens I’ve had and loved (and asking people on Houzz but man, they can be awful sometimes). At some point I really needed a designer. She created drawings we could share with a contractor who oversaw all the subs and helped me think through alternatives for using the big stupid space in different ways.

      She also helped with the choices of materials. Picking things out became exhausting after a while. You’d think it would be fun, but trying to decide whether this particular countertop shaded more to this color and the cabinets shaded more to this other color that ultimately wouldn’t look good together and neither of these went with the cork flooring I had my heart set on? Not. Fun. At. All. I went back into email to remind myself of my flooring color name and found one I sent my sister with the subject line “The agony of countertops.”

      Best advice I got was to choose what the anchor was and work all the other colors around that. For some that would be cabinets, others counters. For me that was the flooring, a gray/brown cork plank that I really really love. So nice to walk on. Everyone has luxury vinyl plank and I personally was sick of it although I had it in another house and thought it was great. (They don’t make the color that I got anymore; it was Antrim Fashionable Graphite, not super corky in appearance.)

      I also kept all the materials very neutral. I love colors but if they’re built into the house you’re not going to change them any time soon. All my color comes from things I can change out like towels, counter stools, chotchkes, dishes (not that I would give up my Fiestaware).

      I’m sitting by the space now and I can tell you that every time I look at it I’m glad we made the decisions that might have added a bit to the cost but made it a kitchen I’ll live with forever. No cooktop in a stupid angle corner now–we had them go into the garage a tiny bit to turn the angle into a true corner and I picked up a bunch of storage that way. I love my kitchen and floors.

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      1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        Rereading I decided $50K may not necessarily be low but it depends on how you approach choosing the materials. I got quartz countertops after reading up on the care and characteristics of every possible material and I’m very happy with them. If I’d had my heart set on marble I couldn’t have afforded the project. We could have gotten cheaper flooring but that was the thing I wouldn’t yield on. The shape of the kitchen and what we were changing meant that Ikea just didn’t quite work and we would have been paying for customizing that would have added up so we just went with the cabinetry outfit our general contractor recommended. On and on.

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      2. Rogue Slime Mold*

        Don’t put a stove into an angled corner with almost no counter space, sheesh.
        When we were looking at houses to potentially buy, one (new construction!) had a kitchen with counter and cabinets running against the back wall, and then they had built in a spot for a refrigerator opening next to them that completely blocked 3 feet of counter and cabinet space. It was like it was designed by someone who had heard about kitchens, and knew the general elements that go into one, but had never tried to actually use a kitchen in a functional way.

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        1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

          Right?! When I was using Houzz to ask questions and look up discussion threads on specific topics I saw someone’s picture of their brand-new all custom kitchen they were so proud of. With a stove set in a corner at an angle and no counter space on either side. These are not kitchens for people who actually cook.

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          1. Not your typical admin*

            So true! And to each his own. My brother and his wife have a beautiful kitchen – that she refuses to cook in.

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      3. ThatGirl*

        Appreciate all the info. Our cabinets are not in horrible shape but I’m not sure they have another 15 years in them. I am willing to spend more than $50k if everything is right, but I don’t want to wipe out all our cash savings is the big thing. Plus this is a townhome. I can easily see how someone could do 100k of updates (beyond the kitchen) but it probably wouldn’t net us 100k in equity.

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        1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

          And if you’re going to sell and not live with it forever you can and should make decisions based on that. Good luck!

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          1. ThatGirl*

            I mean we want to move eventually, but the plan is to be here a few more years at least. Still, it seems foolish to not keep resale value in mind. Thanks :)

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    9. AJB*

      I live in the Midwest in a LCOL area. Just did a gut job on our kitchen. Opened a wall and did some structural repair under the house as well. They also finished out the diy bathroom remodel we started two years ago (new quartz countertop, finished some trim work, fixed some tiles on the floor). It cost us $35k.

      Reply ↓
    10. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      One more suggestion: Buy a bit of extra flooring in case of future damage. In a house we used to live in we had a hose bib leak that flooded inside the house. Could no longer match the flooring (LVP) and fortunately insurance would cover the cost of replacing an entire level of flooring when only one small corner was actually ruined. If we’d been able to find six or seven planks we could have fixed it.

      With that in mind we bought some extra of our new flooring that we’re keeping on hand just in case. I know our flooring will change color somewhat from sun exposure and I suppose I could be super-prepared and get out the spare planks every once in a while but I’m not going that far. That’s what rugs are for.

      Reply ↓
  8. Bookworm*

    I’m in the US. Looking for input from those who switched from broadband internet to 5G home internet. My broadband has gotten stupidly expensive, but 5G is now more available where I live. The 5G is half the cost of broadband. I know it’s very location dependent, but I get good reception at home on my smartphone with the same 5G provider I’m considering.

    Reply ↓
    1. hummingbird*

      I switched to fiber but when I considered this, I wondered if having both my cell phone and internet service from the same provider would be a bad idea.

      Reply ↓
    2. Banana Pyjamas*

      We have ATT Internet Air, and it’s horrible. I often end up using my mobile hotspot (Verizon via Tracfone Wireless) instead. I found most 5G internet isn’t available in our area, even though cell service maps indicate 5G coverage.

      Reply ↓
    3. Clara Bowe*

      Honestly? Call your broadband provider and drop to the lowest tier they offer. Unless you and 3+ members of your fam are hardcore gaming AND streaming 24/7, I bet you don’t need the tier you have likely been grandfathered in to.

      YMMV, but I realized that the tier I had been pushed into was three tiers above the bottom tier and that the bottom tier had a 25MBPS speed. Originally, the tier I signed up for was 5mbps and they just didn’t offer that plan anymore and kept me at the same tier rather than speed. I demanded they drop me to the lowest plan, and I went from paying $60/month to $25 with a two year guarantee on price.

      If nothing else, go look at your provider’s current plan list and see if there is anything new/different! You might be surprised.

      Reply ↓
    4. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      There is only 1 broadband provider in my area and they are expensive. I got 5G internet from “Horizon” and its been widely unreliable trying to find a spot in my house that gets good reception from the tower. I’ve considered changing to another 5G provider but figure I would have the same problem. Made many troubleshooting calls but it still drops out and have to reset the cube.
      Never had a problem with my cellphone with that provider so I wouldn’t depend on that being the same case.

      Reply ↓
      1. sagewhiz*

        It sounds like you need an internet booster.

        My 97-yr-old bungalow is sooooo well built (Southern pine studs that have basically petrified + rebar in the walls!) that wi-fi didn’t even travel the 40-some feet from my office at the front to the kitchen at the back. Placed a booster halfway between, and voila. Now wi-fi even reaches my back deck. Plug & play ones are easiest to install.

        Reply ↓
  9. Financial advising*

    How would I go about selecting a financial/investment advisor? My spouse used to do that but he died and left me clueless. I realize that this is an uncertain time for making financial decisions but I need to talk to someone who is knowledgeable, professional, impartial, will charge a fee for their time & expertise but has no incentive to steer me in any particular direction.

    Reply ↓
    1. ThatGirl*

      Look for a fiduciary, who are obligated to act in their clients’ interests – but also, ask around – see if friends or family have any local recs.

      Reply ↓
      1. Brevity*

        You can also find a fiduciary through your regular bank — for example, if you bank with Chase, you can easily set up a meeting with a JP Morgan fiduciary. (No, I am not a paid spokesperson; use any freakin’ bank you want.)

        Reply ↓
    2. Rick Tq*

      Talk to one of the investment companies or a local credit union about a financial advisor. If your company has an EAP program they may offer a referral service too. You want an advisor who is paid based on the value of the portfolio they manage, so their incentive is to make your money grow regardless of if it is stocks, bonds, or other investments.

      I agree you should ask your friends but don’t be afraid to say someone isn’t right for you after you speak to them.

      Reply ↓
      1. Owned by cats*

        I strongly disagree with this advice. Brokers that charge even a 1% fee on assets under management are extremely unlikely to provide value commensurate with the fee because brokers are consistently unable to outperform the market. You want an hourly or flat fee-based advisor. And unless you are a high net worth individual you are unlikely to need extensive advice.

        Reply ↓
      2. IT Manager*

        Strongly disagree, sorry.

        “Assets under management” fees both eat up WAY too much off your portfolio, and can hide some truly horrific fees on trading that actually incentivize very bad active management behavior that can both cost you fees and lose value.

        Please look for “fee only” advisor.

        Reply ↓
    3. Pentapus*

      this is definitely a situation where you want to talk to several people and get a feel for their advice, how well they listen to you etc.

      Reply ↓
    4. Busy Middle Manager*

      who is your biggest brokerage account with? Start there. I just looked on Schwab (where my account is) and it’s almost too easy. Too many options, they have a page for everything. I’ve done there click-through menus to set up a CD/bond ladder. Looks like they have similar things for stocks and a contact for where you enter how much you have + what your goal is

      Also if you’re unaware, you can buy bond funds like you do a stock (BND and TLT being the most popular). Buy those, SPY (SP500 fund), VTI (total stock find) and VXUS (international fund) and you got a full portfolio without needing an adviser. Just an idea. Of course I like some other funds like VPU (utility fund for income)

      Reply ↓
    5. FinancialAdvice*

      Just be aware that many financial advisors are paid by commission, and most folks associated with banks will offer free consultations but try to push you into managed programs where they take a percentage off the top annually which will really add up. The big online brokerage services used to offer free 24/7 advice, but they have been backing off from all but very generic advice (for example, 15 years ago you could discuss specific stocks/funds with them but 7-8 years ago they were pushing back and saying things like we don’t offer direct advice on specific offerings but would discuss things like three possible ways to add foreign tech sector to your portfolio while limiting risks). You used to be able to just drop in, too, but the last time I went in person for just that purpose I was turned away.

      Reply ↓
      1. FinancialAdvice*

        Big online brokerages == Schwab, Fidelity, etc – so they have some onsite offices with local staff but also 24/7 phone/online access.

        Reply ↓
    6. Accountant*

      My dad uses his accountant. If you have one to help with your taxes you might see if they offer these services too or see if they have recommendations.

      Reply ↓
    7. In Florida*

      Search for Plan Stronger TV with David Holland on the internet. He has a lot of videos that give you general introductions to financial issue. There is one particular one about how to select a Financial advisor.

      Reply ↓
    8. ReallyBadPerson*

      We have used Ayco (now owned by Goldman Sachs) for years and are very happy. We have quarterly meetings with our adviser and he always has recommendations for moving money around to balance out our portfolio. Regardless of whom you choose, you want fee-based services. They will work with you on your specific goals (for example, do you want aggressive growth, which carries a higher risk, or more moderate growth?) You will know by the second meeting if your adviser is really listening to you and explaining things well.

      Reply ↓
    9. IT Manager*

      XY network and Nectarine are both lists of fee only advisors.

      Look for someone who is CFP, and is fee-only “not fee-based” and ask to confirm that they are a fiduciary.

      Reply ↓
  10. goddessoftransitory*

    Fun literary question of the week:

    What two books seem joined in your brain, no matter how different they are style or story wise?

    I just finished Mona Acts Out, by Mischa Berlinski, which has as a plot element #metoo and a powerful man getting called out. It’s very well written and makes me want to dive back into my Riverside Shakespeare (the main character is an actor preparing to play Cleopatra.)

    It’s different in almost every way, but the whole time I was reading I was mentally hooking it to Tara French’s The Witch Elm. In many ways the books are fun house mirror reflections–both deal with #metoo, both have main characters wrestling with what it means to be “predatory.” The former has a female lead character written by a male author, the latter a male lead by a female author.

    What books remind you specifically of other books and make you pair them mentally?

    Reply ↓
    1. Dark Macadamia*

      Poisonwood Bible and Life of Pi, because they were some of the first “grown up” books I read as a teenager, around the same time.

      Reply ↓
      1. Texan in Exile*

        I put The Poisonwood Bible with King Leopold’s Ghost! They are both about the Congo and about an utter disregard for the people of the Congo (although at a different scale).

        I always tell people to read them together.

        Reply ↓
        1. Higher-ed Jessica*

          Same! These books are both excellent. I didn’t read them at the same time, but they would make a great pairing.

          Reply ↓
        2. Dark Macadamia*

          I think another reason those two are connected for me is they deal with religion in really interesting ways. I was at the peak of my religious phase around the same time I read them so some of that stuff, both the harm and benefit of faith, really resonated. I still love them now as an atheist though.

          Reply ↓
      2. Middle Aged Lady*

        The Princess Bride and American Gods. Because they were gifts from my nephew during COVID. That’s the only link. They were both excellent escapes when I was stuck at home.

        Reply ↓
    2. Not A Manager*

      Chronicles of Narnia and Prydain Chronicles because they are wonderful imaginary worlds and I read them at about the same time.

      Reply ↓
    3. Chaordic One*

      Two Books that I somehow got mixed up in my mind are “Cleaving” by Julie Powell and “Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail” by Cheryl Strayed. Memoirs by two strong independent women, but not really that much in common other than coming out within a few years of each other.

      Reply ↓
        1. Chaordic One*

          “Cleaving” was written right after “Julie and Julia” (which was a delight and the basis for the movie of the same name). In “Cleaving” Julie let us see some of her warts. TBH I really didn’t care for it, and it made me think a little less of her. (I can be judgemental, I know.)

          Reply ↓
          1. goddessoftransitory*

            Powell unfortunately passed away from a heart attack a year or so ago, which made me soften towards Cleaving. I did admire her not softening the questionable decisions she wrote about in that book, even if I thought she was causing herself and her partner a lot of grief for no well thought out reasons.

            Reply ↓
    4. Rogue Slime Mold*

      The Murderbot Diaries and The Scholomance, which I started about the same time (from recs here) and which both feature a protagonist who is already several years into being the impressive bad ass that they are, and the first book is instead about that person becoming part of a team for the first time.

      Reply ↓
    5. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Actually I have a Poisonwood Bible one too – that and God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy. I think I read them around the same time and they both left big impressions!

      Reply ↓
    6. Hoary Vervain*

      I can’t think of books off the top of my head, but there are two authors who are very different but somehow the same person to me? Margaret Atwood and Barbara Kingsolver. I think for the same reason as Dark Macadamia – they were some of the first grown up authors I read, and I guess because they’re both fairly feminist (or maybe just Serious Female Writers, which even in the 90s seemed like a special thing). And their books were always lying around my house growing up.

      Reply ↓
    7. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Not books but plays. I recently saw “Our Town” on Broadway and realized halfway through that I had mingled it in my mind with “Ah, Wilderness!” because we did them in consecutive years in HS and they both have a teenage love story.

      Reply ↓
    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m fascinated by fiction patterned on older non fiction sources.

      eg:

      World war z by Max Brooks
      and
      The good war by Studs Terkel

      3 men in a boat by Jerome.K Jerome.
      and
      To say nothing of the dog by Connie Willis

      Reply ↓
      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Oops flip that second one Connie Willis is the modern fiction and Jerome.K jerome is the victorian memoir

        Reply ↓
      2. Dark Macadamia*

        Looove WWZ and The Good War! I’m not a zombie person but that was such a good way to tell a zombie story.

        Reply ↓
  11. Dark Macadamia*

    Poisonwood Bible and Life of Pi, because they were some of the first “grown up” books I read as a teenager, around the same time.

    Reply ↓
      1. Hoary Vervain*

        I need a re-read. The first time I read it was to flirt with a fellow nerdy eighth-grader, so I sped through it and was too young to fully appreciate it. Mostly what I got out of it then was that I hated missionaries and evangelical religion (I actually have family who lived in what was then Zaire as missionaries at the time). I think I’ve read it twice since, but it’s been at least 15 years. I’m sure my perspective will have changed.

        Reply ↓
      2. Dark Macadamia*

        I read it so many times as a teen. I’m kind of afraid to read it again now because what if I don’t love it as much?

        Reply ↓
  12. Busy Middle Manager*

    Has anyone seen Jefferson Fisher’s videos? He has his own channel but has been doing all of the big podcasts lately, like Mel Robbins, and is being peddled as some new groundbreaking communications expert.

    I’m dying for others’ opinions because I find his points of view so wrong, but everyone is fawning over him in every comment section!

    An underlying theme in his videos is to deescalate situations and pause a lot and breathe before speaking, and to ignore people who are being perceived as disrespectful. He cares a lot about demanding respect. Thousands of comments say these are the most brilliant points ever.

    I find it kind of condescending in practice. I had a coworker like him in practice and he used to drive me nuts. He thought he had this brilliant handle on owning situations, but he ended up as coming across smug and not reading the room. For example, maybe someone is frantic because there is an emergency, so “deescalating” could actually be causing more tension

    I also wonder if there is a class element, where his tips work better in upper class areas? Or just pretty privilege (some pictures of him look like AI since his face is so symmetrical :-/)

    Reply ↓
    1. Annie*

      Not Jefferson Fisher specifically but I’m familiar with another communications “expert” who sounds amazing if that’s the first such expert you encountered, but who turns out to be less so if you look into their background. That background is supposedly where the expert insight comes from, but the background doesn’t seem like one that would provide it. A major “hook” is claiming credit for certain sales tactics being nowhere then suddenly everywhere. Another one is claiming individual credit for terms that had been coined long before he even got his first podcast appearance, e.g. “I call it fogging” vs. “Therapists call it fogging” or “This behavior is known as fogging”.

      At least Jefferson Fisher can honestly claim his communication skills were honed by his experiences as a lawyer.

      Unfortunately, many podcasts run on “don’t let the facts get in the way of a good conversation”. It’s also difficult to account for every “but sometimes!” situation when giving advice, to the point where “N signs someone is X” listicles should be taken as risk factors, not signs or symptoms.

      Reply ↓
    2. Southern Violet*

      My first question is to ask if his examples of de-escalating hysteria are all or mostly women? Something about that plus demanding respect just pings my radar.

      Reply ↓
    3. fhqwhgads*

      Anyone focused on “demanding respect” is EXTREMELY suss to me. Big ol’ red flags anytime someone is overly concerned about “respect” in every.single.situation.

      Reply ↓
      1. Hoary Vervain*

        Hard same. Any time someone goes straight to (dis)respect as the main issue about something I immediately get suspicious. Although respect is important and disrespect does happen, it’s often a catch-all for all kinds of issues ranging from the trivial to the (imo) way bigger than respect and I think respect is often a poor stand-in for the issue someone is having.

        Reply ↓
      2. goddessoftransitory*

        I remember Lynn Truss quoting a sociologist who said if you want an environment where manners, status, and protocol are paramount, don’t look at a palace, look at a prison.

        Reply ↓
      3. Cookie Monster*

        Yep. It deflects from the content of the argument/conversation and makes it about the tone, which is a convenient way of shifting the focus away from your own behavior.

        Reply ↓
    4. Zona the Great*

      That honestly sounds like the code of “respect” in prisons. Have you ever heard a serious criminal go on and on about demanding respect? This sounds the same.

      Reply ↓
    5. the cat's pajamas*

      I have not but sending solidarity your way as someone who has had this happen around similar kinds of things.

      Reply ↓
  13. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs.

    I’ve been working through The Bright Ages by David Perry and Matthew Gabriele. I’m enjoying it, but somehow the info isn’t sticking with me. It’s a history of the Middle Ages but looking at them as a time when a lot of awesome things happened rather than being dark and terrible.

    Reply ↓
    1. goddessoftransitory*

      Oh, I’ve wanted to read that forever!

      I just finished Mona Acts Out, which I enjoyed mainly through my lens as a former theater rat and dreaming of playing all the Big Roles in Shakespeare. It’s really well written and paced properly so you don’t get impatient or feel like something important has been skipped.

      I just now started–like today–Butter, by Asako Yuzuki. I like it so far, but the two main characters have super similar names and I have trouble figuring out who’s who. And…

      The story is fiction, but hinges on a real life serial killer case in Japan in which a woman met, married, and killed several lonely heart type older men, mainly through her gourmet cooking. Which is fine, but I’m like eleven pages in and already this woman is being critiqued mainly in terms of her weight and how “huge” she is. She is 154 pounds, which is a weight I don’t even bother dreaming of trying to achieve. The point is to delve into misogyny and fatphobia in Japanese culture, but man.

      Reply ↓
      1. Anastasia Krupnik*

        In the edition I read (bought in Europe so presumably UK) she’s 110 to 120 lb (her weight changes at different points).

        Reply ↓
    2. ThatGirl*

      Just finished Woodworking by Emily St James, whose career I’ve followed for awhile. It’s her first novel and it was great.

      Reply ↓
    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I’m reading Long Bright River and finding it pretty meh. I loved God of the Woods and I’ve seen a lot of people say they enjoyed this one as much or more, but I knew going in that the premise didn’t really appeal to me and I was hoping I’d get into it anyway. I’m not abandoning it yet but not particularly excited to come back to it either.

      Reply ↓
    4. Catherine*

      Can I request recommendations- the comment above from Dark Macademia reminded me how much I loved the Poisonwood Bible, has anyone ever found something similar?

      Reply ↓
      1. Jackalope*

        Which elements of Poisonwood Bible spoke to you? Is there something that you got out of it that you’d love to see in another book?

        Reply ↓
        1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

          Definitely need the answer to that because my answer is just “read everything Barbara Kingsolver ever writes, ever.”

          Reply ↓
      2. Rogue Slime Mold*

        Same author, Animal Vegetable Miracle. About eating locally for a year, and arrived on the cusp of the local food movement.

        Reply ↓
        1. Clisby*

          I really enjoyed Animal, Vegetable, Miracle. Because of it, I tried reading Poisonwood Bible and just could not get into it. I do plan to give Demon Copperhead a try.

          Reply ↓
      3. goddessoftransitory*

        She has two books of nonfiction essays that I love, particularly one about having to write a sex scene between two characters. She was really tripping about it, and her best friend asked why she thought she was having so much trouble. Barbara blurted out “What if my MOTHER reads it???”

        The friend stared at her and said Barbara, you’re an adult, you’ve been married twice, you have a kid. She knows that you know.

        Reply ↓
      4. Dark Macadamia*

        The other book of hers I remember liking was The Bean Trees. I abandoned Flight Behavior with a one star rating but I don’t remember why lol – I think I just got bored of it?

        These all are kind of grouped mentally for me, but I think it’s partly just that they were books that I brought to college with me instead of leaving them in my childhood home:

        Life of Pi as I said above – what it has in common is the exploration of religion and survival, plus a really vivid setting/situation.

        The Tiger’s Wife – it’s been awhile since I read this one but aspects of family epic, being in a strange place, and spirituality.

        The Book Thief – beautifully written, emotionally devastating. It has some of the sorta eerie omnipotent vibe that some of the Poisonwood chapters had.

        Reply ↓
    5. Lemonwhirl*

      I finished reading “Rainbow Black” by Maggie Thrash. It’s a stunning character study about a 13-year old girl whose parents run an in-home daycare and are arrested on Satanic Panic-induced charges. It’s well-written and the characters are really compelling. (And there’s loads more going on beside the Satanic Panic stuff.) It’s the kind of book that was difficult to read at times and yet I did not want it to be over.

      Now I’m reading “Headshot” by Rita Bullwinkel. It’s set in a girl’s boxing competition and each chapter covers one round of the tournament. It’s about the girls and their lives and hopes and dreams and even their futures. The author manages to make each character distinct and each chapter interesting.

      Reply ↓
    6. Manders*

      I will be finishing The House in the Cerulean Sea tonight. Found out about it on this site and am so glad I followed everyone’s advice. It’s delightful!

      Reply ↓
      1. Teacher Lady*

        I loved that one, but the sequel (Somewhere Beyond the Sea) didn’t really do anything for me. I felt like House in the Cerulean Sea trusted the reader to understand the message of the story, but Somewhere Beyond the Sea had no faith that the reader would understand anything that a character didn’t explicitly explain after it happened. YMMV certainly, but I actually wish I’d not read the sequel.

        Reply ↓
    7. Hoary Vervain*

      Halfway through the first Temeraire book and I am in love. Mostly with Temeraire, but also with Naomi Novik. Every single book/series I’ve read by her has been so different but so good in its own way. She’s a genius.

      Also, I fascinated by the similarities and differences between Temeraire and Fourth Wing (I wanted to like Fourth Wing but just can’t get into it for reasons I will not rant about here). Next up for me is Dragon Riders of Pern, which I understand is really the start of all the modern dragon-riding (as opposed to dragon-slaying) books. I can’t wait to keep following this thread back and seeing the evolution.

      Reply ↓
      1. Hyaline*

        I love Temeraire! Among my favorite literary characters. I hate to say it but I didn’t love the later books in the series…but I will always love Temeraire.

        Reply ↓
    8. Teapot Translator*

      I finished Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier. It’s not my usual type of book, but Du Maurier has a way of hooking you in with her writing. Would recommend.

      Reply ↓
    9. Nervous Nellie*

      One for me this week, sort of. My Penguin Classic is Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. How have I never read this before? I am reading both the 1835 edition that would be more familiar to us all from the movies and such, and the original 1818 text. Mary, her husband Percy Bysshe Shelley, and their pal Lord Byron competed with each other to write the best gothic horror novel. The 1818 ed, before male editors toned it down, was more sympathetic to Dr. F, and more strongly promoted Mary’s feminist beliefs. I didn’t know her Mum was Mary Wollstonecraft, the feminist. Very excellent. I am reading the books side by side and finding dramatic differences.

      Reply ↓
        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Sure! Nor did I! I bought the 1835, simply called ‘Frankenstein’ and then came across this original ed to read in tandem. It’s this Penguin: ‘Frankenstein: The 1818 Text’, ISBN 978-0-14-313184-7.

          Reply ↓
      2. allx*

        You have likely seen Winterson’s Frankissstein recommended here. One part if it revolves around the Mary Shelley-Percy Shelley-Byron friendship. Might be an interesting companion read for you if you haven’t read it already. I had a number of false starts before I read the book all the way through. I generally love Winterson’s writing but this one felt very off for me. Nonetheless, I mention it for your immersive reading consideration!

        Reply ↓
        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Hey, allx! Happy weekend! Thanks, yes, that’s on the list as well. My bucket list is becoming a barrel list – no bucket is big enough!

          Reply ↓
      3. goddessoftransitory*

        Ooooh, Frankenstein! I reread that every year (the 1818 text) and it’s just one of those books you can always find new things in.

        Reply ↓
    10. GoryDetails*

      Current carrying-around book: The Ship Beneath the Ice by Mensun Bound, about the search for the wreck of Shackleton’s ship the Endurance. The book’s a delight to read, blending tidbits from Shackleton’s expedition with the first and second seasons of the high-tech search-team, and with the author’s personal reactions merged in. Quite fascinating – and often a reminder that even with the most modern equipment, the Antarctic ice and weather can be perilous.

      The Paris Apartment by Lucy Foley: this one’s a multi-viewpoint thriller-with-several-twists, following a feisty, down-on-her-luck young woman as she tries to find out why her brother has disappeared after offering to let her stay in his apartment. The viewpoints switch between hers and those of other residents in the building, with loads of hints as to Something Bad Happening, and with gradual reveals of relationships and secrets and motives… It actually works out rather better than I’d hoped, though still quite dark in places. I kept thinking that it felt like one of the better and more devious Alfred Hitchcock films.

      And this one, which I chose largely for the lovely presentation – it’s one of those books with the decorated page-edges, this one featuring a handsome books-on-shelves design: A Study in Drowning by Ava Reid, in which two college students have a bickering foes-to-lovers relationship while delving into the truth behind a recently-deceased and much-lauded author’s fictional-or-are-they works. There are plot points inspired by Welsh mythology, questions as to the actual authorship of those works, and lots of messing around with the borders between magic and reality.

      Reply ↓
      1. allx*

        Two mini Penguin Modern Classics this week: Kathy Acker’s New York City in 1979 (disturbing, depressing, sad) and Katherine Ann Porter’s The Cracked Looking-Glass (sad, bittersweet). Seems like a lot of this collection strikes me as either sad or incomprehensible. I cherry-picked the interesting (to me) authors at the beginning and am now left with things that don’t seem to grab me.

        I have just started Pessoa’s The Book of Disquiet and have high hopes based on Nervous Nellie’s love for it. I am reading the Margaret Jull Costa translation rather than Richard Zenith’s translation published by Penguin. I chose that one after reading about a guy (Half-Pint Press) who hand typeset and printed selections from Costa’s version onto various ephemera and boxed it. Too bad only 60 copies were produced. I would love to own one. It is just the sort of thing that appeals to me.

        Reply ↓
        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Ah, Pessoa! Yes, his dreamy ramblings are wonderful. There are many quotable quotations and ideas to pull from this book. So odd! And if you want one of the Half Pint Press version, there’s one listed on Biblio in Maryland….

          Reply ↓
          1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

            Would this work well as an audiobook? My library only has that, not a book-book, and I prefer reading to listening.

            Reply ↓
            1. Nervous Nellie*

              It does! Naxos does an audiobook – you can play sections of it in their site to see if the reader’s voice (Alan Sims) appeals. I’m not wild about his reading – he sounds like an AI voice to me. But see what you think!

              Reply ↓
            1. Nervous Nellie*

              Good luck! I hope the listing doesn’t disappear on you!

              Another thought – I read somewhere that several were donated to museums and libraries. If you can locate one and get an interlibrary loan, you might get to play with one close up. I must say, I wouldn’t envy the librarians who must count the contents each time the book returns to them…..what a lark!

              Reply ↓
      2. Dark Macadamia*

        I saw an IMAX documentary about Shackleton like 20 years ago and I still think about it, what a story.

        Both of these novels sound amazing

        Reply ↓
    11. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Just finished Ruth Ozeki’s “The Book of Form and Emptiness” thanks to a recommendation from here a while back. Tough opening if like me you react to episodes of traffic violence, so content warning there. Past that it has so much: heartbreak, hoarding, possible mental illness or is something in the book real?, growing into teenagerhood, unhoused people treated as human beings and not as disposable and overlookable. Highly recommend.

      For a total change of pace/palate cleanser now reading Everyone on this Train Is a Suspect, Benjamin Stevenson’s follow-up to Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone.

      Looking ahead I realize just about everything on my list that’s next in line came from recommendations here, so thank you again for starting this thread every week and thank you, prolific readers who make suggestions! I have some travel some up and I’m downloading lots to read on the plane.

      Reply ↓
    12. Teacher Lady*

      Just finished Kim Kelly’s Fight Like Hell, which I think I’d have liked better if I hadn’t been in a rush to finish it before it was due back at the library. It ended up feeling very repetitive because I was plowing through it, whereas I think if I’d read a chapter every day or two, I’d have felt less like “Didn’t I just read this?!?”

      Currently reading The Purple Violet of Oshaantu, and about to start The Love Simulation by Etta Easton.

      Reply ↓
      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        I read about half of Fight like Hell and decided I’d read the rest of it another time. It’s great history though!

        Reply ↓
        1. Teacher Lady*

          Agreed! I’d definitely recommend it to readers who want an overview of the wide range of labor organizing in the U.S.

          Reply ↓
    13. Lizard*

      I’m still working through The Ministry of Time by Kaliane Bradley. I’m not really enjoying it, but I know a lot of people have had a good time with it, so I’ll see what happens.

      I’ve started All Fours by Miranda July for one of my bookclubs. I’m not very far in yet, so I don’t have a real opinion, but I’m expecting it to be controversial based on what I’ve seen from reviews.

      And I’m determined to finish The City of Brass by S.A. Chakraborty this weekend. I can tell that I’m going to want to read the end in one sitting, but I haven’t had a good chunk of time yet.

      Reply ↓
    14. Bluebell Brenham*

      I finally read We Have Always Lived In the Castle this week and really enjoyed it. About to start Cory Doctorow’s Picks and Shovels next.

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Yay, Shirley Jackson! If you haven’t read The Haunting of Hill House yet, be sure to do so!

        Reply ↓
  14. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I’m still working my way slowly through Unicorn Overlord. It’s becoming a bit repetitive and I’m not crazy about the storyline, but I’m enjoying the game play and it’s soothing now that I know what I’m doing.

    Reply ↓
    1. SparklingBlue*

      Working on the Suikoden remaster–with 108 playable characters to pick from, a walkthrough is a must.

      Reply ↓
    2. Dr. KMnO4*

      Still bouncing back and forth between Genshin Impact and Destiny 2.

      I have made a lot of progress in Genshin Impact ever since I got a new character that demonstrates the amount of power creep present in the game. I was getting frustrated with some of the timed combat encounters, since it was difficult to clear them with my previous team. But now that I have Arlecchino, I’ve been breezing through that sort of thing. Now the main annoyance is collecting a bunch of materials and farming for artifacts.

      Destiny 2 is still a blast, and I am enjoying this episode’s story, especially now that we’ve finally gotten a beautiful scene between Eris and the Drifter. The only thing that would have improved it is if they actually kissed on screen.

      Reply ↓
    2. Belle*

      I thought it was okay but I felt the second season overall wasn’t as good as the first. The pace at times this season was uneven and I can’t believe the choice made in the finale (without spoiling it). I am hoping the third season is better.

      Reply ↓
    3. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Awesome. Particularly the corporate art, both in the elevator lobby and the goat room.

      Even though, per rules of fiction, I expected some turns (like rescuing Miss Casey), I didn’t know how they would work. It’s a story where I’m immediately intrigued to go back and watch from the beginning, with new knowledge in mind.

      In season 2, I did think the Harmony episode could have been cut to 10 minutes or so, and it really slowed the momentum of the last few episodes.

      Reply ↓
      1. the cat's pajamas*

        I didn’t expect a clean ending, because I assume most franchises now have to leave an opening for potential additional seasons, but I was hoping for at least a bit more closure on some open plot points. I wonder if it would have ended differently if that wasn’t the case.

        Reply ↓
    4. CityMouse*

      I loved the weird Milchick stuff and I was surprised at just how much they revealed and moved the plot forward. The fight scene was brutal. I’m really curious to see where they go from here.

      I didn’t love the Cobel episode or the one right after it (it felt a bit choppy to me), but on the whole I really liked the season and thought Trammel Tillman and Adam Scott did really particularly great work.

      Reply ↓
    5. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Events that seem they would be relevant to next season?

      • Innie Dylan came back. There’s no need for that if the plan is actually to terminate MacroData Refinement after Mark S finishes Cold Harbor, as Cobell claims. (Though she could have been sincere, and plans changed since she was pushed out.) So Lumen seems to plan to keep its crack team working, or at least physically within their building.

      • I totally believe Jamie Egan sees potential in Hely that Helena lacks, and would be happy to keep his daughter’s body as permanent host to someone who shakes things up.

      • Milchick’s arc reminds me a lot of Irving B: is he another company man who flips and tries to burn it all down? (Also, when does he find time to practice his marching band routine?)

      Reply ↓
    6. All Monkeys are French*

      Pretty phenomenal. A few plot points are bugging me, but I’ve come to trust that the writers won’t leave too many gaping holes.
      And I’m very happy for Emile.

      Reply ↓
  16. Gratitude*

    Do you give a gift to your realtor? We’re in the middle of buying a house and we plan to sell our current house with the same realtor later this year. So she’ll get paid for two sales, but we like her and find her advice very helpful. Is it strange to give her a gift? Maybe after completing the sale of our current house? (Northeastern US, if that’s relevant.)

    Reply ↓
    3. Fellow Traveller*

      We gave our realtor a nice bottle of whiskey. He was really fantastic- we had worked with others before that weren’t as patient or knowledgeable. Of course we recommend him all the time and he helped my parents buy their current house too.

      Reply ↓
    4. Jill Swinburne*

      We got ours a nice bottle of wine – we were first home buyers and she really went into bat for us and gave us very good advice.

      Reply ↓
    5. Roland*

      Mine gave ME a gift. Friends had similar experiences. I’m sure you can and it would be appreciated, but they’re getting a commission on every sale so you’re really not obligated. You are paying them a LOT of money even if it doesn’t feel that way as a buyer.

      Reply ↓
      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        Yeah same! We were only buying but we got a gift box shortly after moving in and then another at Christmas!

        Reply ↓
    6. Generic Name*

      I never have. I figure the tens of thousands in commission they earn is plenty. :) maybe if they really went above and beyond, a nice note would be appreciated.

      Reply ↓
    7. Not Australian*

      We’ve only done this once, and it was just a bottle of wine, because the guy went above and beyond and we felt that should be recognised. Something small (chocolates?) with a ‘thank you’ card should be plenty.

      Reply ↓
    8. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Nope. Didn’t even occur to me. The first time I was so anxious about the whole process that I wasn’t thinking about anyone else. The second time I found the realtor (different realtor, different community) to be a bit challenging to deal with.

      Reply ↓
    9. Sitting Pretty*

      Not a shared computer but a common space. In 2020 when learning went online, the schools gave out small laptops to the kids. Even though the house was super crowded with all the WFH, we didn’t want out son to be on the computer behind closed doors. So we bought a small desk and crammed it into a spot in the entryway.

      It worked great. There is enough of a sense of separation that he can work with a little more privacy. But it’s oriented in such a way that we can see what’s on his screen if we’re walking by. We also required the smartphone to stay out of his room and be charged out on his desk.

      I think this has helped him develop more responsible, mindful screen habits. He’s 18 now and still does all his schoolwork, social media, gaming, etc on the computer in the common space (though the phone goes wherever he goes now).

      Reply ↓
    10. fhqwhgads*

      In my experience, the realtor gives you a gift at the end, not the other way around.
      The best gift you could give them is referrals anyway.

      Reply ↓
    11. Clisby*

      That seems a little odd to me – I’ve bought only 2 houses (with my husband) but our realtors weren’t doing us a favor – they were doing their jobs.

      Our first realtor did give us a nice house plant – she said she always does that at closing – but after all, we were providing her cut of the house sale.

      Reply ↓
    12. Teacher Lady*

      We didn’t when we bought in the Boston metro area in 2018. To be honest, it didn’t even cross my mind to do so.

      Reply ↓
  17. Double A*

    When I was growing up we had a “family computer” in a shared space, and while that was for reasons of expense (no one had their own computer for most of the 90s), I think it was actually a really great way to learn about computers in a gradual and social way. Even though computers are obviously way more powerful and connected now, I’d like to do something similar for my own kids. Also, while I don’t have very strong opinions about “limiting screen time,” I do have very strong opinions about keeping screens out of their bedrooms for as long as possible and this is something that I think will help.

    Is anyone doing this kind of communal computer set up? Or plan to?

    Any suggestions about the computers themselves? It’s been a long time since I’ve had a desktop, but I’d like a desktop PC (not Mac, even though I grew up with them). I’d love to have a more locked-down computer that I can open up as the kids age, but I don’t know if that’s remotely possible or if it’s just kind of Windows on iOS and those are your options. Thoughts? Suggestions?

    Reply ↓
    1. PurlsOfWisdom*

      We have a “family computer” in one of our shared living spaces. Though it moved into our Master Bedroom (not far off of the common areas) during the holiday season to make space for the Xmas tree.

      My son is still fairly young (7), so has no concept of surfing the internet or whatever. But he is VERY into Minecraft (as well as Portal and a couple of other games). Our goal was to keep him still a part of the family dynamic while he got his time playing games. Additionally the concern of keeping an eye on him to make sure he wasn’t accidentally getting into anything he shouldn’t. To your point about keeping screens out of bedrooms for as long as possible I hard agree with you, though it feels like it’s only going to get harder and harder in this more connected age.

      Don’t really have suggestions on what to get as we are a Mac family… Sorry on that note.

      Reply ↓
    2. Annie*

      I’ve worked and played with a variety of computers and OSes over the years. For the hardware, pick one up with a multi-core processor and a HDMI port (to make sure you have something modern enough to actually use) at a thrift store if you don’t care about the ability to run newer OSes than Windows 10 or are willing to experiment with a Linux distribution.

      If ability to run Windows 11 without exploiting some loophole is important to you, do a search for a Windows 11 desktop on Amazon or another store and pick one out. I found a few options for a few hundred dollars.

      If Linux sounds appealing to you, almost anything goes if your priorities don’t include “ability to play a specific game” or “ability to run a specific software”. It also helps if you can shift your priority from “ability to use a specific software”(far from certain on linux) to “ability to do X”(almost always possible). By default, installing or uninstalling software requires admin privileges (linux calls it root), and linux’s minority status on the desktop makes any malware more severe than adware or scareware in the web browser a low risk. Most linux distributions include an app store or a simpler looking “package manager”, so there’s no pressure to hunt or pay for one that “comes with everything”. A few distributions have earned a reputation for being easy for first timers, such as Ubuntu, Mint, and Zorin.

      Virtually all OSes and web browsers that have ever had significant market share have software for them that can be used to lock down a device for child use, with varying degrees of effectiveness.

      Reply ↓
    3. Sloanicota*

      I grew up this way, for sure! It was probably good, but honestly at around 12-14, it became another way I was … probably over-sheltered, because I felt so much shame about relatively normal teen romance type things since I had to encounter them on my parent’s public computer. I don’t know what previous generations did about this, honestly! Clearly they either had other ways to learn about sex and the world, or just didn’t learn about it at all properly. It was a very specific microgeneration experience lol. So I’d say, at some point you might want to give your kids some privacy after you’ve taught them about safety etc.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        I suppose even that thought is moot as I’m pretty sure my nieces started “needing” (?) their own phones and tablets around 9 years old – I mean, the school gave them chromebooks and required I think Facebook Student or something, and around then she started needing rides/pickups and my sister WANTED her to be reachable. All her friends communicated via snapchat and she was feeling socially excluded. Hard for me to understand as an old and childfree bluestocking lol. I would have at least given a 9 year old a “dumb phone.”

        Reply ↓
        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          Much harder now than it was when my daughter was 9. She’s 25 and for the last two years of HS she got extra credit for doing things on a homework app on her phone. We managed to hold off on a smart phone until she was 13 and her phone got plugged in to charge in our bathroom at 9:00 PM until she was 15, which was also when she got a laptop. These days I think they need computers to do schoolwork and if you have more than one kid, you need more than one computer.

          Reply ↓
      2. Double A*

        Absolutely! Their privacy is super important to me. I remember how important it was to me as a teen and I felt my parents really respected it. Even though I’d make stuff on the shared computer, I didn’t want them to see it and I trusted they didn’t look at the files. If they did, they never gave me the slightest hint.

        A big part of this plan is wanting to grow in technology use along with them and have it be a collaborative discussion that, as they get older, they’ll have more say in.

        Reply ↓
    4. Not Jane*

      We have an iPad that my children share, and they borrow my windows laptop sometimes. Although they are both portable, they aren’t allowed to take them to their bedrooms.

      Reply ↓
    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      We had a family computer in a shared space so … I got up in the middle of the night after my parents went to bed to do the things they didn’t allow me to do. Heh.

      Reply ↓
      1. Double A*

        Ha, I mean I did the same.

        This actually isn’t so much about forever keeping them from content, it’s about 1) guiding their technology use as they grow and growing WITH them in that uses and 2) protecting their sleep. I don’t want to default that they have tablets or something in their room. The occasional late night excursion not withstanding.

        By their teen years I hope we’ll have built enough trust and understanding and discussed the messed up things you can find on the internet that the conversation will go from there.

        Reply ↓
    6. Clisby*

      My kids (now 28 and 23) didn’t have access to a desktop/laptop in their rooms until they were in high school – my husband and I were both computer programmers, and they could use an extra desktop we had in our home office. They each got a phone at 13 – my daughter’s first was a flip phone; my son’s was whatever the cheapest possible Android was at the time.

      Reply ↓
  18. Abundantly Vague*

    My father passed away last fall and my mother’s health has declined to the point where my sister and I can no longer care for her and we have had to make the painful decision to move her to an assisted living center. (Another sibling lives a considerable distance away.) We are in the process of selling my parents’ house (and most of its contents) and I’m finding letting go difficult. I logically know that I can’t keep all of their possessions. I don’t have room for all of them. I have been a bit disappointed that my siblings and their children don’t want their stuff. There are a lot of very nice dishes, nick-nacks, and a few pieces of nice furniture, tons of books, some artwork, things that my father made, lots of costume jewelry. Some things are nice, not really my taste, but I have a lot of sentimental feelings about them. There are things that belonged to my grandparents, things that were gifts from people I loved.

    If anyone has been in this position, how did you decide what to keep and what to let go of? Are there things you regret not keeping? Are there things you regret keeping and realize you should have let go of? Any advice you might offer would be appreciated and considered.

    Reply ↓
    1. Pickles*

      I’m not a keeper and it is hard with people around me who are invested in me keeping stuff. I would suggest select a few things that mean something to you, anything that is practical and then let the rest go. Dishes and housewares are so easy to come by.
      You do t want to be over burdened with stuff. The memories are what is important.

      Reply ↓
    2. Aphrodite*

      I wrote out a long answer to you before dumping it. I kept only two items, both worth nothing, both small and both that bring me pleaure: a photograph and a cute Hallmark tchotchke. While all items did have sentimental value I neither needed nor wanted anything else. Those things are not them. They possess nothing of the positive qualities of my parents. Keep your parents, not their stuff, in your heart.

      Reply ↓
    3. RagingADHD*

      I got rid of a lot, but kept some at first and gradually let go of more a bit at a time over several years. I think part of the difficulty is that you are still in the middle of everything right now.

      Some people deal with that overwhelm by rejecting the stuff, others by holding onto stuff. Both are ways of saying “no, I don’t want this to be real.”

      Could you maybe get some storage temporarily for the things that are particularly hard to part with, like the things your father made? It may be that in time when the situation has stabilized, they may decide they would like a couple of things, and you are likely to feel more prepared to let go.

      Reply ↓
      1. Flower*

        This. You are going through several hard things at once and decisionmaking under these circumstances especially is so fraught. If there is any way you can afford to store some of the stuff (at a rental storage place or even a friend’s basement for six months to a year), that’s what I would do. Not store everything — but the things you are really not sure about. Then you can go through them when you are not in the middle of all this (not saying your grief will be over, just at a different place). My best friend took ten years to go through her mom’s stuff. I don’t recommend waiting that long, but just saying there are no rules about this. Also: Sending warm thoughts your way.

        Reply ↓
    4. MJ*

      Something I’ve seen recommended is – if it’s not something you will actually use – take a good quality photo as a memento and let the item go to find a new home.

      Alternatively, if there are some items you think you might regret getting rid of, store them somewhere until the grief has lessened. (Assuming you have space.) You can revisit in 6 months / a year / 5 years and see if you are ready to release them yet.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        I was going to say this, with costume jewelry you appreciate but would never wear, a nice photograph of it or of a loved one wearing it might just do. Although jewelry is probably the easiest to keep since at least it’s small. I agree, don’t throw out everything in your grief because you don’t want to deal with it. If you know yourself and you know you won’t want it, no problem, but sometimes it’s part of the process and later you might wish for some of the more sentimental stuff. I think photos are a good compromise.

        Reply ↓
        1. the cat's pajamas*

          I have an artist friend who makes memorial mementos from these kinds of small things embedded in resin.

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    5. Clara Bowe*

      I am sorry you are having to go through this process. It is incredibly hard, and from what you’ve written, likely pretty traumatic. Losing your dad and not really having the space to mourn with having to scramble around your mother’s health is so, so hard. I’ve had to do something similar, so please know that I am sending you as much positive energy and support as I can, and from a place of some level of understanding.

      Personally, I have only kept small, sentimental items (a cup, a pen knife, a shirt, etc.) And while I am sad I passed some stuff on, I haven’t really regretted it? Yes, there was emotion and memory tied to some items I chose to let go of, but none of that went away when the item did. But, it is different for each person.

      Reply ↓
    6. Two cents*

      I think the answer depends so much on how you process grief, deal with stress and deal with too many items in general. So: what do you know about yourself? Do you have any experiences that could be in any way similar? Obviously not your parents, but maybe the end of a long friendship that you grieved, or a different, less close family member, or maybe a pet? Did you enjoy having items that reminded you of them later? Did you miss any items and wish you could have kept them? Did you purge all at once or a little bit over time? Did you have any regrets?

      In any other super emotional times combined with way too much to do (e.g. your wedding, holiday hosting, huge party with complications): Did delaying decisions about future stuff help you or just drag out and hang over your head? Did adding pressure to yourself help you push through difficult decisions or stress you the erf out?

      About stuff in general: are you good at getting rid of stuff? If so, it might make sense to spend some money on a storage unit to delay the decision making process and deal with things slowly. If you’re terrible at getting rid of stuff or super emotional about letting go of sentimental things or procrastinate about hard emotional decisions, that would be the worst choice.

      I think if you can answer any of those questions that might guide you a little bit in this hard time.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        Yes, this is so helpful! I know for myself, after any kind of shock or strong emotions, I’m almost like a different person for several days afterwards. It’s that numbness. That person probably shouldn’t make any big decisions that the regular me is going to have to deal with when she returns.

        Reply ↓
      2. MJ*

        Oh, yes, be mindful of the storage unit.

        My dad was executor for a friend and one of the things to deal with was a storage locker the friend had had for 20+ YEARS! He hadn’t lived in that city for decades, hadn’t been to the locker for years, and there was nothing in the locker worth paying tens of thousands of dollars to store for that long.

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    7. Not Australian*

      I’ve been in the same situation and my solution was to deal with it in stages. First, dispose of all the big stuff (furniture etc.) and take home as much of the small stuff as you can reasonably find room for. Then, gradually – say, once a year – redistribute (to friends, family, or charity) a few items at a time until you’re left with a few core pieces that you’ll never part with. ‘Saying goodbye’ to things, and well as to people, takes time, and you don’t need to try to do it all at once.

      Reply ↓
      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        I did basically the same thing, although not deliberately. I brought a bunch of things home that sat in boxes for a few years because I really didn’t have room for them and I found it too painful to deal with. If I’d put the boxes in the attic they’d probably still be there. We have a small sunroom off our living room that served as a “dumping ground” at the time, so the boxes stayed somewhat visible and eventually I was able to sort through everything. I got rid of almost all of it.

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    8. Ellis Bell*

      Did something similar, and you will probably regret trying to keep too much stuff! You can’t honour memories by over stuffing things into your attic or shed. It is so depressing later on, when beloved items become dusty or neglected. Instead, I would tackle things in order of least sentimental to most sentimental so that you can get on a roll with getting used to letting things go. When things start sparking genuine memories for you, your best bet is to take a photo, or journal any memories or stories that the items remind you of. Do a quick note for each, and move on. Keep the memory, lose the stuff.

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    9. WellRed*

      Try and embrace the idea that other people will enjoy these things, especially if you donate or rehome (or sell cheaply) to people who would otherwise go without. Example: sold a rather dated dining room table and chairs for oh, $50 to a young woman who had none and she was thrilled. But it’s hard, you have my sympathy and best wishes.

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    10. o_gal*

      I juse went through this with my Mom passing away last August. One way to approach this is that those things may not be in your family anymore, but they may become another family’s heirlooms and live on with new owners who will also appreciate them as you do.

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    11. allx*

      Accidentally deleted my first answer. Hope it doesn’t post twice. First, I would suggest you read the “Swedish Death Cleaning” book. I had read it a few years before my events but thought back to it for the decisions on how to let go of sentimental but unwanted items.

      I went through this two years ago when my mother passed away suddenly, and then my sister weeks later. They had many lovely things that were a reflection of who they were and what they loved. I first boxed up (without evaluating at all beyond identifying) personal papers, photo albums, special books, and sentimental items and stored for deciding on later. I had about a dozen boxes which is now down to two. I would suggest buying new boxes, all the same size (small). It makes for easier packing and stacking.

      All the normal stuff of living (kitchenware and appliances, generic home decor, table linens, furniture, etc) were donated to a local women’s shelter thrift shop. Yarn, crochet and knitting goods/patterns/books were donated to a local senior center. Best seller/generic books went to friends of library. I think it helped being able to donate to local organizations who were happy to receive them and not to a major thrift like goodwill which would have felt more like dumping their lives into anonymity.

      In your case, I would likely keep (for the time being) the things your dad made, a couple small things that were your grandparents, one or two representative nick-nacks, the costume jewelry, and a serving platter from the dishes. Let the rest go. Revisit the kept items as time goes by.

      Reply ↓
    12. Not A Manager*

      I’ve been through this. My brief advice is to invest in a small storage locker if you can afford it, and things that really make you feel SADNESS and GRIEF to part with, keep them for two years. Once the cost of the locker, or the awareness of the items sitting there doing no one any good, starts to feel burdensome, it’s time to revisit them.

      But do not shove everything in there just so you don’t have to deal with it. Work on the assumption that you’re either going to divest of an object, or you’re going to use it in your own home. Only store the things that really pain you to lose.

      My other advice is, you don’t have to keep every item in a set or a collection, and you don’t have to give away the whole thing. If you like your parents’ china but you don’t have room for all of it, keep a few small bowls and use them for prep or to serve olives in. Keep two mugs. I get much more joy from the one or two curious items I kept from my mother’s big collections, than I ever would from the entire collection itself.

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    13. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      So much good and gentle advice here. I’m so sorry for what you’re dealing with. I had to go through managing my parents’ move out of their home to assisted living and then to a dementia care unit because of my mom and had some similar feelings. I also had a certain amount of “wow, I grew up with some tacky stuff” once I looked at it without my parents and their lives being in that space and instead looked at it thinking about whether I wanted to own it as a free choice.

      First I’d suggest that you set down expectations about your siblings and their kids having feelings you have. They aren’t obligated to have the same sentimental attachment, especially the next generation down. The kids didn’t grow up with these things they way you did. Think of walking through an antique shop if that’s something you do: Everything there once had great meaning to someone else and you can look at it and think, “Do I like that? Nope, not buying it.” That’s where the next generation may well be because this isn’t their childhood and they didn’t know the people who gave those gifts.

      For me, I went through my parents’ whole large house and garage. They were in quite a state because my mom’s dementia had played out as “sorting” and sorting and sorting and re-sorting and starting over every day with a new “system”. So it was a mess.

      I made a box for each sibling. If I could identify something as an item about them, or a special thing they had given my parents as a gift that they might want back, it went into that box. Basically I decided for them what might be meaningful because they weren’t able to be there to decide for themselves. Pictures, yearbooks, things my mom had apparently stored long past when they should have taken possession of their own high school wrestling letter jacket or whatever, all went in those boxes, which they later picked up.

      I made one big box of things that were truly about my parents and their lives together. My mom had kept a book in which she recorded every single penny spent and what she spent it on in the early years of the marriage. What a treasure to leaf through it and read some of the entries. I can keep the memory of having done that; I don’t need the book itself. My older sister is a scrapbooker and all of that went to her so she could make use of it to create beautiful scrapbooks about their lives. (Wonderful to have at their memorial services.)

      Everything else that wasn’t a truly unique personalized item was a thing to be dealt with. It’s a chair, a dish, a vase, a book. My attitude then and in dealing with needing to downsize in my own life was that it can be set free to live a new life with someone else and they’ll build their own memories around it. I genuinely cared about 3 pieces of furniture; I got to keep two of them, the other went with them to assisted living, then to a brother, and now it’s back with me.

      Truly, if you don’t have room for these things and you don’t want to live with them enough to get rid of something you already own to make space, they aren’t things you want to have, they’re things you want to remember, or they’re really just markers for the larger memory of the person or the experience they represent. It isn’t the gift someone gave them, it’s that this person loved them enough to give them a gift. That doesn’t disappear with the item (or with the person).

      In addition to the photo idea, what about making a video and narrating what made that item special to you? Tell the story you’re carrying in your brain now, while it has special resonance.

      If you do any sort of crafting, can any of the costume jewelry or smaller items become material that you’ll repurpose, knowing the item is special because it carries this memento?

      In our case some things were moving with my parents. For everything else I brought in an estate sale business. They sorted, priced, tagged, and handled disposing of everything. Not a lot of profit but it meant I didn’t actually have to handle everything. Highly recommend that. It meant I wasn’t lingering over an item trying to make a decision and the prices represented their actual market value, not my sentimental markup. Once you see prices on things you may be able to have some emotional distance.

      Today I can’t remember anything that got sold with any clarity that brings a sense of regret. I might think of a specific item and smile, but would I want it in my house now? Not really. I’m already shedding things to make it easier for my kids at a time I hope and expect will be decades from now. When I went through sorting my parents’ stuff my kids were little and kept me company. I kept saying “I won’t do this to you, I promise!”. I don’t know if it helps to think of it this way, but anything you keep now is an item someone else has to deal with when you’re gone.

      Good luck, be gentle with yourself and your siblings, hug your mom while you can.

      Reply ↓
    14. goddessoftransitory*

      Ask yourself–what would live with me in my home as part of my life, and what am I just trying to protect my feelings around?

      Because unless you run the British Museum or similar, there simply isn’t enough room in a person’s life and time to handle carrying everything that meant a lot to someone else, even if those people were your loved ones.

      Will you read those books? Eat off those dishes? Sit on/use that furniture? Will it be part of your life? Or are you guarding it because it was a gift to your parent or grandparent and they kept it this long?

      Remember, you not keeping everything doesn’t mean it’s all consigned to the dumpster. Think of it, rather, as your dad’s artwork brightening a new person’s life, the jewelry being just the thing for some unknown woman’s special occasion, those dishes meaning the world to a family that has had to start over after a disaster. Launch them to new adventures and being loved by new people.

      Reply ↓
    15. AvonLady Barksdale*

      When my grandparents died it was just me and my mom (she’s an only child, and I was very close to them). There was a lot of extended family turmoil and I had to convince my mother to let some of them take some things, but the majority was left between us. I took things I either knew I would wear (like jewelry, handbags, and clothes– I still wear a ton of my grandmother’s clothes) or I had admired for a while. I vowed that I wouldn’t keep anything I wouldn’t use. My grandmother had a lot of beautiful table pieces that she never used but I happily put them on my table for guests. They had a set of rocks glasses that I drink out of regularly. All of the artwork we got is now hung up in my house. I put a few things in storage for a while because we didn’t have space, but as soon as we moved, the storage unit got cleaned out.

      I didn’t keep anything simply because it was sentimental. And I’m glad I did that. Every time I wear a piece of my grandmother’s jewelry and someone compliments it, I get to talk about her. Every time someone compliments the art on our walls, I get to tell the story of how my grandparents obtained it. I recognize that I’m VERY fortunate that my grandmother and I had very similar taste. For me it was more about a sort of legacy for them than about nostalgia.

      Reply ↓
    16. Girasol*

      First, take pictures of it all so you don’t lose any of your memories. After that, in my experience, we could only take very little. So instead of the knickknacks and furniture we couldn’t really use, we took all the clothes we could use, and all the kitchen implements I could use that reminded me of meals together, plus a handful of other odds and ends that were useful. I smile when I use those things a lot more than I would if I only noticed stuff when I was dusting.

      Reply ↓
    17. Abundantly Vague*

      Thank you everyone for your thoughts and comments. You’ve helped me make things a bit clearer in my mind and to to establish some priorities. A couple of things that I’m still uncertain about are a box containing my father’s old high school and college yearbooks, along with some yearbooks belonging to my sisters (and maybe to myself). They really are not something that I care about, but that I sort of think I “should” keep. I’m inclined to let them go.

      There’s also a lovely period art deco bedroom set that belonged to my grandmother. It includes a beautiful writing desk that has been restored, a small low dresser with mirror that has not been restored, but that still looks pretty good and then the double bed with its headboard, footboard and connecting side boards. The wood for the bed is pretty old and dried out. I think it looks O.K., but my mother was afraid to actually use it, so it is still sitting in pieces in a storage room. The set is made out of a beautiful wood that I can’t quite describe. It is basically a light colored wood that has these natural dark colored swirls in it. I hate to break up the set, but I don’t have room for the bed. I think I probably want the desk. I’m uncertain about the dresser. I do have room for it though.

      Reply ↓
    18. Chauncy Gardener*

      Having just gone through a huge reduction in stuff, including sentimental items, I’ll recommend a few gals on the Tube of You: Clutterbug, the Minimal Mom, Dana K White and also Marie Kondo. They each have very different philosophies/angles, and I found them all helpful in different ways.
      It’s so easy to imbue things with lots of emotional baggage, but in the end, they’re really just things. If younger relatives didn’t want the things I was trying to give away, fine. I found a really good donation center that supports people coming out of DV and homeless situations and so I felt great about supporting them with all the stuff! They could either sell it in their thrift shop or give it to folks rebuilding a home environment. That somehow made it so much easier for me to come to terms with letting it all go.

      Good luck with this! I know it’s hard.

      Reply ↓
  19. Mitchell Hundred*

    I finished rewatching the British miniseries The Prisoner recently, and one thing I’d forgotten about was that the main character stays in shape partly by practicing a fictional martial art called kosho. It involves two trampolines (one for each participant) with a pool of water between them. The combatants each put on a helmet and a full body robe that buttons up in front while playing. I think the object is to knock your opponent into the water, although the rules aren’t clear.

    It is a ridiculous sport, but also one that I would dearly love to become real. So my question is: what useless/absurd fictional creation would you will into existence, given the chance?

    Reply ↓
    1. Why does my name keep getting forgotten?*

      True American, the hilarious drinking game/obstacle course from the tv series New Girl. There’s also versions of this in the real world with rules interpreted from the info given in the show, but the show never fully spelled out all the rules. Someone’s made a website where they list the partial rules given by the show and then interpret them into a playable, working version. But, it’s not the same. And there’s a big Wikipedia page with interpreted rules too.

      Reply ↓
    2. Nervous Nellie*

      Oooh, quidditich! The game from Harry Potter that’s like flag football but played on flying brooms! Sign me up.

      Reply ↓
      1. OxfordBlue*

        I’m in Oxford in the UK and Quidditch is played in the University Parks here by student teams who run around quite a large pitch with sticks between their legs and throw a ball to one another. The Oxford University Quidditch Club has a Wikipedia page if you want to see some photos.

        Reply ↓
        2. Nervous Nellie*

          Hilarious! I would bruise my knees bashing about with a broomstick. Perhaps some engineering grad students could be persuaded to work on making the broomsticks fly?

          Reply ↓
    3. goddessoftransitory*

      The book The Art of Detection from Sarah Gran’s mystery series. It’s this famous, obscure handbook to solving crimes by the world’s greatest detective, that now has a cult following of current sleuths who own copies they’ve managed to come across (it basically appears in obscure corners, never for sale or in reprints or anything.) All its followers are highly critical of everyone else’s use of/interpretation of the detective/author’s techniques and are constantly sniping at each other when they meet.

      I love stories built around stories that only exist within that particular imaginary world.

      Reply ↓
      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        And subsequently when the authors then actually create the full stories! Seanan McGuire’s Middlegame is built around a book called “Over the Windward Wall” by an author named A. Deborah Baker. So she wrote published the book and then also the three sequels it turned out to have.

        (I also absolutely own a copy of Charlie the Choo Choo by Beryl Evans – not Claudia Inez y Bachman – and holy god is that cover terrifying.)

        Reply ↓
        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I think Dorothy Gilman did the same thing with her novel The Tightrope Walker–she had a character write a novel and its sequel in that, then really wrote them!

          Reply ↓
    4. Ginger Cat Lady*

      “Travel by map” like the Muppets do. Travel to anywhere in the world quick, cheap and in my own car!

      Reply ↓
  20. allathian*

    Star Trek’s Ambo-Jitsu looks like something I’d like to play. It’s the game Riker played with a serious competitive spirit with his father. A martial art that looks really cool, played with a long stick.

    The Klingon pre-battle exercises that Worf taught some of the Enterprise crew are basically Tai Chi.

    Vulcan 3d chess is another cool game.

    Reply ↓
    2. LBD*

      I had friends in high school who had a 3-D chess board, and they used to play some sort of version of chess on it. As I recall, they had to adapt rules to allow for the different levels!

      Reply ↓
    3. Rogue Slime Mold*

      In Tade Thompson’s Rosewater, a character regularly checks Nimbus(?) for information. Mid-book a comment reveals that this is not the future name for the internet, but a completely new system that was created to go on top of the old internet, which is so choked in scams and porn that society gives up on adapting it and just starts over. An interesting idea that lingered, and I’d really like to see what that looked like.

      Reply ↓
  21. Grab bars*

    Does anyone have any experience with temporary grab bars that suction on to tile in the bathroom? Or specific product recommendations?

    Context: a famy member will come to visit who is paraplegic. The doorway to the bathroom is wide enough and I am hoping they will be able to transfer from chair to toilet, which requires a grab bar to one side. Unfortunately, we cannot bolt one to the wall for Reasons, so I’m hoping to find something temporary and removable. But I am a bit overwhelmed and also wondering if the product promises actually work…?

    Thank you in advance!

    Reply ↓
    1. Rogue Slime Mold*

      You want to attach one to a tile wall, not to a vinyl cover over a wall which can move a little bit, changing the shape and breaking the seal so the bar falls off. Discovered this in the shower in my parents’ apartment.

      Reply ↓
    2. Llellayena*

      They actually work quite well attached to tile. My parents have been using one in the shower for years. Also, a basic walker can be placed over/around the toilet bowl to provide grab bars on both sides. Just have to make sure the cross bars across the front of the walker are high enough to clear the back part of the bowl

      Reply ↓
    5. OT*

      You can get tension pole grab bars that go from floor to ceiling with a handle in the middle. There are also toilet seat frames and safety rails that stand on the floor.
      I would suggest sending photos of your bathroom to the relative and ask her what she thinks will work best for her.

      Reply ↓
  22. Jackalope*

    Related to the weekday thread on this: what is your hill to die on in a nonwork setting? Do you have something that you aren’t willing to let go of? For this I’m thinking more along the lines of light stuff like how to hang toilet paper, not essential life beliefs like trans rights are human rights. Any thoughts?

    I have several, but the main one that’s coming to me is pushing the kitchen drawers in. Our drawers get stuck easily and so they often get left sticking out a tiny bit. I cannot deal with this – too many times in my life I’ve gotten a drawer or doorknob or what have you snagged on a picket on my clothing – and so I wander around the kitchen all the time pushing them the last little bit in.

    Reply ↓
    1. I didn't say banana*

      I break spaghetti in half before I cook it and I will fight anyone who tells me I can’t. Broken spaghetti fits in a smaller pot so the water boils sooner and it’s easier for my young kids to eat.

      Reply ↓
      1. allathian*

        I’m 53 and when I learned to eat in the early to mid-70s the only pasta shapes we had in the shops were spaghetti and the basic curved hollow macaroni. I learned to twist the spaghetti on a fork (without the help of a spoon) early, although getting the last strands was impossible without cleaning the plate with bread. But now I think that’s too much work. We still eat macaroni but avoid spaghetti. Generally we eat macaroni, fusilli (twist), or penne.

        Reply ↓
        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Enough people do it that you can purchase half-sized spaghetti, haha. Which is of course half again as expensive as the regular stuff, so if I am buying spaghetti at all – which I usually don’t, I go for bite sized pieces anyway – I would still buy the regular stuff and break away!!

          Reply ↓
        2. SallyAnn*

          Because the short spaghetti is so much harder to roll around your fork!! The short ends come unrolled, flicking sauce all over.

          No spaghetti breaking in our house- the flavor leaks out. ;-)

          Reply ↓
      3. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        Ramen too. I smash it in the packet before I open it so I have shorter strands that I can pick up in a spoon without all of them swinging, swaying, and dripping. Not a perfect outcome but my preference for my salty comfort food when I’m sick.

        Reply ↓
    2. Lemonwhirl*

      I have very strong feelings about how to fold towels so that they stack nicely and look good. (For the most part, this means I fold the towels in our house, although my husband and son sometimes help out. They’ve both gotten instruction on how to fold towels my way, and I quietly re-do any towel that isn’t folded to standard.)

      The other big one is the toilet seat and lid must be left down all the time. I had this belief because I once had to help a neighbor with a baby rat in her toilet. I’ve also had a mink come up through my own toilet, and the few seconds that it was raising the lid gave me the time to scream and shut the bathroom door and deal with that problem later. (Without the lid to slow it down, it might have gotten out and past me and been a much bigger problem.)

      Reply ↓
      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        I am going to have nightmares about this.

        Towel folding for me, too. Also not keeping medications anywhere visible in public spaces. I simply won’t. In my bathroom, fine. In the kitchen or guest bath? Absolutely not.

        Reply ↓
        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          and that’s not just prescriptions but anything – vitamins, Tylenol, doesn’t matter. No pill bottles on my kitchen counters.

          Reply ↓
      2. Texan in Exile*

        A baby bat got into our house and fell into the upstairs toilet while it was trying to drink!

        We (stupidly) got it out ourselves, using long tongs, and put it in a box to take to the wildlife rehab center. (In our defense, we were worried it would drown.)

        Extra stupid because I had the rabies shots – all 14 of them – when I was five. I should have known better.

        When my husband got the box to the rehab center and they opened it, they discovered the poor thing had flown away. So maybe it had enough water and rest to recover a bit.

        Reply ↓
      3. KeinName*

        How are you ever going to the toilet again after this?
        We briefly had a spade of snakes in toilets (nowhere near any natural snake habitats), and one of the men affected by this said in the news that it took him ages to trust the toilet again

        Reply ↓
      4. Peanut Person*

        I agree about the toilet seat + lid being down. For me, it’s primarily the visual element. It might also be because I both grew up and my last two homes had bathroom layouts with no towel racks, so the place for a towel while showering was the toilet lid. It didn’t help either when I read something about toilets being flushed with no lid on will spew up to 6 ft of bacteria. I’m not generally a germophobe, but just… no thanks. I like your stories of animals though, because that is yet another reason to continue the practice!

        Reply ↓
        1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

          I read that bacteria-spewing bit years ago in a context that pointed out it’s in the same room with your toothbrush. Lid closed before flushing every time.

          Reply ↓
      6. goddessoftransitory*

        Yes on the towels, because unless they’re folded right they can’t fit in our linen closet!

        Also, the bed must be properly made every day. I despise getting into an unmade bed–it’s like last night’s sleep is still crumpled up inside it.

        Reply ↓
      7. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        So of course your towel folding is that you fold it in thirds the long way to tuck in the edges, then fold that into thirds for storage, correct? Because any other way would be Not Correct.

        I have to stop myself from refolding towels at other people’s houses sometimes. But if I pull it all the way off the rack to use it, it’s fair game for Correct Folding Technique before I put it back.

        This takes me waaaaay back to a show I really never watched, Eight Is Enough I think? In which the mom is pregnant with yet another child and stressing out over the older kids not doing everything exactly the way she would. One of the items was folding towels and she was snatching towels out of the laundry basket to refold them. They had a long educational talk with her about letting go and letting other people be responsible in their own way. Yeah, sure, but this was towels.

        Reply ↓
        1. Middle Aged Lady*

          My niece calls this divide the sandwich v hot dog. Are you a folder in fourths or sixths, to make a square v a rectangle? Her assertion is that the size and shape of your linen closet determines your preference.

          Reply ↓
          1. Ginger Cat Lady*

            It really does! When we moved I had to change how I fold towels. HAD to, because the old house way was simply not right in the new place.
            My husband thinks that is nuts but it’s truth.

            Reply ↓
        2. goddessoftransitory*

          Of COURSE.

          And just love that whole “you gotta let this pack of savages just fold towels like they’re doing drunk origami” thing–tell me you’ve never actually stacked the linen closet without telling me you’ve never actually stacked the linen closet.

          Reply ↓
      8. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

        I once sat on my toilet without looking and heard splashing as I started to pee. There was a rat swimming in the toilet! A pissed-on, pissed-off rat! I ran out of the bathroom, slamming the door, blocked the crack under the door and immediately called an exterminator. By the time he got there, the rat had climbed out of the toilet and was running around the bathroom. He put a rat trap in the room and shut the door. By the time he finished searching the rest of the house for signs of rats, the rat was dead. He believed the rat had clambered up the S-pipe from the sewer.

        Reply ↓
    3. Dog momma*

      My hill to die on..I have some really nice dinnerware ( not china). I make sure its arranged by alternating colors. and that when husband loads the dishwasher, its not too close to something that may chip it.
      Also must have matching sheets and towels.. didn’t have this growing up, & it just feels important to me.
      Very silly that at this point..I’m 70, this stuff bothers me.

      Reply ↓
      1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        I don’t know that it’s a hill for me, but definitely a habit–I have older Fiestaware in various colors. When I put it away I pull out the pile, make sure the ones I’m putting back in are stacked so no two of the same color are next to each other, and put the newly washed items on the bottom. This way I’m rotating the wear (there are only two people in the house using these) and they always look pretty. They’re in a cupboard with glass doors and some backlighting so it’s a display issue now but I did this before when they lived in a dark cupboard.

        Reply ↓
    4. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Toilet paper over the top. (My husband has set up one roll to hand vertically rather than horizontally, so it has no top.)

      Buy good jam.

      Reply ↓
      1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        Toilet paper hanging under, for two reasons. One is that my cat will more easily find and hook onto it from the front and unspool the whole thing. The other is that for me if I pull too much and have to roll it back up I find it much easier to hit down on the front of the roll so it rolls toward me and pulls up the excess than to push away toward the back and do that repeatedly to accomplish the same number of rotations.

        Yes, yes, I have thought about this more than I should given the relatively short human life span.

        Reply ↓
    5. Sloanicota*

      No pets in the bedroom at night. This is as absolute travesty to many pet lovers but I’m happy to die on that hill. Sleep is very important to me. My pets are fine as long as they never got used to sleeping there in the first place. I’ve also seen it cause lots of problems for new partners in relationships when Fido is used to getting 2/3rds of the bed!

      Reply ↓
      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        When we had dogs they never got on our bed (in theory they never got on the furniture, but we weren’t always around to enforce that).

        Reply ↓
        1. Sloanicota*

          Yes, personally the cats are allowed on top of the duvet when I’m not sleeping there, because they are indoors-only and generally cleaner, while when I had a dog, he was not allowed on the bed at all because he was such a dirty boy despite my best efforts. Not the hill I would die on though I suppose, until I want to sleep undisturbed. My boy was also not allowed on couches, but I mean, if you’d seen this shaggy drooly dog-giant you would also not have wanted him on your couch haha. I recognize they are not all doggy mammoths.

          Reply ↓
      2. Plaidless*

        Same. My husband almost lost an eye to a cat fight while we were sleeping. They were on the bed attacking each other, and one of them ran over his face and dug her claws directly into his eyelid. That made me realize how stupid and dangerous it is to have animals in the bedroom. In fact, I won’t even doze on the couch anymore.

        Reply ↓
      3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I veto cats in my bedroom, and yep, I don’t get hollering outside my bedroom door because they’ve never been allowed in. (My husband also allows them in HIS bedroom, and they like him better anyway.)

        My dogs are a different story, but at least the big one is in a crate to sleep, not on my bed, and once the smaller one is out of the picture, crate-in-bedroom will continue to be the rule. (But I don’t share beds with other people anyway.)

        Reply ↓
      4. MeepMeep123*

        Same here. I’m a very light sleeper and I can’t sleep with cats in the bedroom. The cats get locked out of the bedroom at night. They don’t seem to mind.

        Reply ↓
      5. Helvetica*

        Same with my cat! I just don’t enjoy the cat litter remnants in my bed or the hair. My cat has never pushed to sleep in the bed, so I haven’t had to deny her but I would definitely stop her if she did try.

        Reply ↓
      6. Hello, it's me*

        I believe I read this in Readers’ Digest many years ago. Husband didn’t want the dog on the bed, wife didn’t care. Husband insisted that the dog belonged on the floor, even bought him his own little rug. But the dog was a slow learner. Whether by accident or design, who knows? Anyway, the dog finally started sleeping on his little rug. He dragged it up on the bed, plopped his furry butt down on it, and went to sleep.

        Reply ↓
    6. Not A Manager*

      Toilet paper over the top
      Towels folded in thirds
      Sheet sets stored in one bundle
      Double sided sponge/scrubbie
      No drying racks in the sink oh my god why
      Unscented detergents

      Reply ↓
      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Oh my gawd yessss to unscented detergents (for laundry and the dishwasher)! Also dish soap (for hand washing), oxygen bleach, hand and body soap, and hand lotion.

        I fell into these habits after my mom developed severe fragrance allergy–then realized I like living almost entirely fragrance-free for myself. In my own home, I made an exception for the very lightly scented shampoo and conditioner designed specifically for curly hair. (If you’re interested: CurlyWorld Sham-Free Hair & Scalp Cleanser and CurlyWorld Terms & Conditions. Not inexpensive but recommended by the staff at my curly-hair only salon.)

        Sadly, I no longer need the fragrance-free shampoo and hair conditioner I purchased to use around my mom. She died three weeks ago. I am comforted by good people and good memories — of matters much more important than scented versus non-scented personal and household cleaning products!

        Reply ↓
      2. goddessoftransitory*

        UNSCENTED DETERGENT who decided everything had to announce itself to the heavens above olfactory-wise? Nothing can just smell “kinda nice” anymore, it has to REEK.

        Reply ↓
    7. Can't Sit Still*

      Dryer lint must be removed before you take the clothes out of the dryer. My condo has a shared laundry room and while there is nothing more disgusting than someone else’s cold dryer lint, my own cold dryer lint is gross, too.

      Reply ↓
    8. Mitchell Hundred*

      The 1800s, the 1900s, etc. are decades. Those terms should never be used to refer to centuries. I don’t like being prescriptive about language, but when you make the same term refer to two very similar things it’s just asking for trouble.

      Reply ↓
    9. goddessoftransitory*

      I’m with you on the drawers! Also closet doors being fully closed.

      Off the top of my head: the word is pronounced “SUB-seh-quent,” not “sub-SEE-quent,” Husband! Quit saying it that way!!!

      Reply ↓
      1. Esprit de l'escalier*

        Ha! about subSEEquent. My husband’s first language was not English and he had a few quirky pronunciations based on his original language, but I didn’t say anything even though I am a huge pronunciation nerd inside my head.

        Reply ↓
    10. cncx*

      Voice notes. I work at a peopley job where i am on the phone a good part of my work day and can’t listen to voice notes at work. People are like “ok you can listen to them later”…readers one day I had almost an hour of voice whatsapp to listen to, and I snapped and lost it because that week I had told people a thousand different ways that if you want me to do something, a voice note isn’t it because at work I can’t and one of the main offenders responded to me using all my written words with…another voice note.

      I know it is a generation thing (I am young gen x…Oregon trail generation) but it is also logistic. I will miss stuff if it is urgent in a voice note and I am done. I just don’t listen now and let the chips fall. I didn’t sign up for everyone’s podcast. Voice notes are lazy af.

      Reply ↓
      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Your ending argument is sublime. “I didn’t sign up for everyone’s podcast,” indeed!

        Reply ↓
      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Oh god, yes. If you don’t want to put it in writing, call me. If it’s not worth calling me over, then put it in writing. I will not listen to a voice note.

        With the possible exception of, it’s my birthday and your kids are singing me happy birthday. Maybe. But then you should still call me so I can respond to them directly.

        Reply ↓
  23. I didn't say banana*

    Why is my cat gaining weight?

    I have two bonded cats, and one is food obsessed. For the first year I had her, I was carefully measuring out her portions every day but then once a month or so she’d manage to get into some food and eat a month’s supply. I’m talking eating through the box, packaging material and bag of cat food when it got delivered, opening the fridge and chewing through the cheese packet, or opening the laundry door then opening the clip-locked storage container then tipping it over to knock the smaller food container to the floor so it bursts open. It took ages for me to store food in a way she couldn’t get it (I keep it in the boot of my car), but it’s been a while since her last binge. She is shut away while her sister and the people in our house eat. But somehow she’s still gaining weight? I still measure her food and it’s an indoor cat (low calorie) food, plus she runs all over the house chasing her sister. Where do you think this cat is getting the weight from??

    Reply ↓
    2. Shiny Penny*

      It’s never a bad time to take an animal to the vet for bloodwork and advice, if it’s acting off and you can’t figure out why.

      Reply ↓
    4. I didn't say banana*

      She’s only 2 years old, and doesn’t have any risk factors for diabetes. When I adopted her as a kitten, they described her as “food motivated” so this isn’t new. She’s otherwise happy and healthy (according to the vet). I suspect she must be getting extra food from somewhere but she’s an indoor cat and I live alone.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        Sorry to ask, but any chance she’s raiding the litter box from her cat sister? More of a dog thing usually. I feel like you would notice if she was getting success by being up at the counters/into the cabinets at night. When my adoptee was counter-surfing it was very obvious.

        Reply ↓
    5. Not A Manager*

      You say that you live alone, but also that you shut her away when “the people” eat. My first guess would be that someone else is either feeding her or giving her access to food. Is there anyone who enters your home regularly? Cleaners, relatives, partners?

      If this is really a mystery, you might put a recording device on her collar or in your home, to see what she gets up to. (Separate from above – I’m not suggesting videoing people without their knowledge! Just the cat.)

      Reply ↓
      1. I didn't say banana*

        Haha good catch, the other person who eats is 8 months old so I didn’t count her as she’s not old enough to sneak her food (and the cat is shut away when the child has food).

        A camera is a good idea.

        Reply ↓
  24. Oink*

    Im waiting for outcomes of medical assessments for my parents and am going through some other work and family dramas.

    What do you do to keep sane when you know life is going to suck for the next few weeks / months? How do you deal with uncertainty over potentially receiving big medical news?

    Reply ↓
    1. Hypatia*

      Try to set off a specific time of day to deal with or think about the uncertainties. If things start creeping into your head at another time, say to yourself, nope, I will think about that at scheduled time, and redirect your thoughts. I use the commute time in the car to think about my big unresolved things, and then get to work so I have a natural stop point.
      If there are some specific things you can plan for , research/prepare for that.
      Find something fun or comforting in your life and cultivate that. You’ll need to treat yourself kindly when things get real.
      I hope things work out. Once you have an actual diagnosis/treatment plan, it should get better. The waiting can be so hard. I went through something similar lately with a child – 9 months until we got actual diagnosis, and more months to finally get to the right specialist for help.

      Reply ↓
    2. Hypatia*

      try setting aside time to think about the hard things each day, and then move on to other stuff. if the thoughts crop up during the rest of the day, say, nope, that’s for tomorrow. Redirect your thoughts to something else. I do my hard thinking/agonizing over what ifs and maybe in the car driving to work, so I have a good stopping point and have to get busy with other things.
      Find something that comforts/entertains you and make sure you do it. You need to be kind to yourself in this hard time.
      Good luck!

      Reply ↓
    3. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.
      What I’ve done during times when I’m the bug, vs the windshield, is to try to compartmentalize as much as I can. Just be in the moment for each thing I’m doing AT THAT MOMENT ONLY. So little bites. Try not to extrapolate. And try to sleep, eat well and at least go for a walk or sit outside and look at the sky. I also try to remind myself that these bad times are also a part of life and adds to the value of the good times.
      Hang in there and good luck with everything. Internet hugs if you want them!

      Reply ↓
    4. Rogue Slime Mold*

      I’ve found The Repair Shop (currently on YouTube in the US) to be restorative. They take one little worn out corner of the universe and restore it. It’s a welcome dissolve into fixing a small and solvable problem.

      Reply ↓
      1. LBD*

        To add on to this, I find something to do that will make a difference or improve something, however small. One terrible summer I focused on tending some plants. I try to say something positive and supportive to someone every day.
        I’m sorry you are dealing with such a difficult season in your life right now. I wish you courage and strength, and also some moments of joy.

        Reply ↓
    5. Girasol*

      My productivity slows down when part of my head is taken up with thinking about what’s going to happen and how I’d deal with different results. I’m tempted to think that I’m lazy or depressed for not getting anything done, but I need to remind myself that part of my head is working very hard. Not getting anything done, of course, just worrying. But since I can’t stop it I’ve learned to accept that life slows down for me when I’m waiting for a big answer.

      Reply ↓
    6. WestsideStory*

      Been there, you have my sympathy. I did a lot of cooking. Recipes gave me a focus and the end result could be shared.

      Reply ↓
    7. Shiny Penny*

      A few of my go-to strategies:
      I try to detach as much as possible from the big picture, and focus on the small picture. When I’ve spiraled enough, and need to shut down my spinning brain, my mantra is some version of : “Everyone is OK right exactly NOW. No one is bleeding, no one is on the floor. Right Exactly Now everyone is OK.” And I refuse to think any farther ahead than that.

      I compassionately allow myself to “waste time” playing computer games or researching an irrelevant passion or watching junk you tubes if I just need to rest my overstressed, spinning brain. It’s important to be kind about it, though, and view it as legit and helpful self care.

      When retail therapy feels like a soft place to fall, I try to aim towards purchases that will eventually be necessary anyway— pet food and supplies, replacing the expired first aid kit components, restocking/updating earthquake emergency supplies. Shopping is a form of hunting/seeking and the human brain is usually wired to find it rewarding, and I can really experience a “mini mental vacation” hunting online for exactly the best version of a replacement modern lightbulb for an obscure vintage flashlight, or something like that.

      Rereading old favorites. When life sucks, I find it really impossible sometimes to hook into new books. It’s still challenging, but I can more easily get caught up in an old favorite, and then (if it’s part of a longer series) keep going through one book after another without derailing into doomscrolling (which leaves me feeling much worse than a simple book-hangover).

      Sending good thoughts, and hopes that you are able to create some moments of peace amidst the chaos.

      Reply ↓
  25. Anima*

    Avid knower of the hard times here. My mum just went into remission from cancer when her mum (my grandma) died.
    I carve out time for myself. For example, I’m not available for “the troubles” today, I’ll go to the library and work on my bachelor thesis. It helps me greatly to disconnect for a bit – while I can take a while day, maybe you can carve out at least some hours? For a walk, coffee or the like?
    Acceptance is also helpful, to me at least. There was nothing I could do while my family waited for the test results for my mum, so I did what I normally would do (albeit crying while doing it). It kept my at least a little bit sane doing laundry and meeting friends.

    Reply ↓
  26. Hats for Spain*

    My family and I are traveling to Spain later this year (from the US). I typically wear baseball caps but I don’t want to immediately Look Like An American Tourist by wearing a baseball cap in Spain. What hats do people wear in Spain? Recommendations for both men’s and women’s hats welcome.

    Reply ↓
    1. Helvetica*

      The honest answer is, and this applies to many European countries – people don’t really wear hats, even in blazing sun. So, I don’t think it’s a question of finding the perfect hat; just wear the baseball cap if you like it! For my money, a straw hat or the likes is even more touristy.

      Reply ↓
      1. Teapot Translator*

        I agree with Helvetica.
        And I think we always look like tourists no matter what. I mean, maybe a French person going to Spain looks less like a tourist than a Canadian (me) going to Spain, but in general, we just act different when we travel.
        Hope you have a great trip, Hats for Spain!

        Reply ↓
      2. KeinName*

        Agreed. Just use the cap – your water bottle, backpack, leisure wear or shoes will identify you anyway – or your travel partners attire!
        You can try getting one of these hipster caps. Different shape to baseball caps and more slouchy.

        Reply ↓
    2. Buni*

      You could probably get away with something straw, I’ve seen loads of people wear those through Spain / France / Italy. Pretty much any standard shape – something like a panama, trilby etc for men, or a boater / wide-brimmed sun hat for women.

      Reply ↓
    3. Jay (no, the other one)*

      I am an American tourist and I’ve given up trying not to look like one. When we went to Paris ten years ago, a friend told me I MUST NOT wear sneakers or everyone would KNOW. I decided I was not going to be in pain in order to pretend that I was French. I am a polite, respectful American tourist who does her best to follow local customs and treat hotel and restaurant staff well. I wear what I want.

      Reply ↓
  27. My patience is wearing thin, but I'm not*

    I’ve seen some really constructive relationship advice here and I’m hoping I can get some as well please!
    My husband doesn’t hear me. He insists his hearing is fine. He gets periodic hearing tests for a work certification, which he always passes.
    I have to repeat what I say to him two, sometimes three times. If I get frustrated, he hears the edge in my voice (no problem!) and gets terribly offended.
    So. I’m not asking for medical advice, but for some way to reframe this situation in my own head so I am not so frustrated.
    Thank you so much!

    Reply ↓
    1. Not hearing you*

      Make sure you have his attention before you talk to him. There is something called tv deafness.

      Reply ↓
    2. Hoary Vervain*

      Have you asked him what he thinks might be happening at a time when neither of you is frustrated?

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah I’d be curious what his version of events is. And does anyone else have this issue with him? (His mother?). Based on what you say, it doesn’t sound like he’s tuning you out if he’s surprised when you finally do get his attention?

        Reply ↓
      2. Lynn*

        This. If he’s generally a good person, and not disrespectful and dismissive, I’d loop him in on solutions. He can say it’s not a hearing problem. Ok- but it’s still a problem.

        Good idea about the getting his attention first. Even if it’s just a change to:
        “John!”
        “Yes?”
        “(Saying the thing)”

        Reply ↓
      3. Chauncy Gardener*

        He says I mumble. Which no one else says I do. Our son thinks he’s as deaf as a haddock, but can’t figure out how he’s passing those hearing tests!

        Reply ↓
    3. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Hi Patience, Is this a new behaviour? I suggest you do some investigative research for a week or two, if the audiologist has said his hearing is ok! Bear in mind they probably don’t test to see if he can hear speech when there are conflicting sounds – radio, machinery etc. How does his memory seem, his concentration when driving etc? If he is engrossed in a book or movie does it take longer for him to switch to listening? Has he started any new medication, stopped any previous medications, does he ever have to have his ears syringed, yada yada. What is a high-value treat for him – if you offered that treat in a normal voice, would he hear it? If you start your sentences with his name, does that get his attention? Does he always hear when you are three feet away, and never when you are ten feet away? He may be within the normal auditory range for his age etc, but that doesn’t mean his hearing wasn’t better in the past (I used to be able to hear lightbulbs humming/buzzing, but that has stopped with age!). Does he want to hear what you are saying to him – eg if you want to talk about painting the house, is he choosing to ignore it? Has he just fallen out of the habit of paying attention?
      Are things different if you go away for a couple of days of holiday? Is it possible to do that ? As this is so frustrating for you, it’s worth doing whatever you can to restore a happier relationship. And in the meantime, act as if he can’t hear your voice as easily as before, and face him when you speak and make sure he is looking at you before you tell him the funny thing you just heard on the radio or whatever. I hope your research helps clarify what’s going on and provides clues on how you deal with it. Even the best jokes or ‘murmuring of sweet nothings’ fall flat if you have to keep repeating them; I think a good reframe re feeling justifiably frustrated is to think Right, I am going to put on my detective cap and find out more about what is happening here, so that I am not frustrated and he is not offended. Best wishes!

      Reply ↓
    4. RussianInTexas*

      With my partner, a lot of times I have to actually get his attention first, and then talk. If he is doing something, he really won’t hear me.

      Reply ↓
      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        I am your partner. If I’m reading or working a crossword, I will not hear what is said. You have to get my attention first. My husband is much the same way although he is less likely to be lost in a book.

        Reply ↓
    5. RAINY SATURDAY*

      This isn’t help for you but a point for readers. I had my hearing tested a while ago and discovered that it was…mostly ok and I’m definitely worse in the lower registers. This means that I can hear my women friends ok but my husband not as much. And you don’t know what frequencies they are testing at work and what their cut off point for passing is. Also if I am seriously reading it takes a few efforts to catch my attention. Having had a Dad and FIL with hearing issues, I get your frustration! (I would just get angry because they knew they had problems but wouldn’t even get their hearing checked!) That’s why my spouse and I said if the other says we need to have our hearing checked we have to do it! So maybe gamify it and see how long of a streak you can have of only having to say things once… what would you have to do to accomplish that? Or, small rewards for enduring this a certain number of times a day?

      Reply ↓
      1. MJ*

        To the point of losing hearing only in one register (some people lose higher pitched sounds, others lower pitches), try to note if the pitch of your voice changes when you get frustrated. Maybe that will give you a clue if there is some minor hearing loss just in one register.

        I’ve also noticed more recently that my parents don’t always acknowledge each other’s comments even when they do hear them.

        Reply ↓
        1. Hoary Vervain*

          Yup, my dad has had hearing loss at only certain pitches his whole life, which just *happens* to include my (middle-range, for a lady) voice. If I didn’t know him so well I’d think he just was sexist (I mean, he is, but that’s not what’s happening here). I’ve spent my life literally just having my brothers and husband repeat what I say. Then it happened to an (also male, older) boss, which was painful…but unlike my dad, he got hearing aids right away because he recognized the personal and professional consequences of not being able to hear half his colleagues.

          (I know hearing aids are not a magic cure-all, and my dad has tried them at various points over the years… he’s had much more success lately with the newer technology, and it’s actually improved our relationship.)

          Reply ↓
          1. KeinName*

            I (woman) have born-with hearing loss in the lower register and can’t bring myself to get a hearing aid, so also have my colleagues along repeating things my boss says ;) But it’s borderline, so I usually just sit right next to him. And my male colleague knows to pitch his voice higher if he is far away from me.
            Basically I sit in the front / near people. If the room is loud I get very nervous.
            But I have so many other health issues I have no capacity to maintain a hearing aid as well.

            Reply ↓
        2. Rainy*

          I have some very specific hearing loss in the “purple crying” range because my little sister had colic and kinda burned that register out when I was 7-8. There’s a point with infants’ crying when I basically can’t hear most of the sound.

          Reply ↓
      2. Hearts & Minds*

        Came here to say this. It’s possible you DO mumble, and that’s why he’s passing the tests even though he says he can’t hear you. Or maybe your vocal frequency and volume is just at a level he has a hard time hearing. My mom is the same way, and boy do I emphasize with how frustrating it can be for both of you.

        Reply ↓
    6. Plaidless*

      My husband is not medicated for his ADHD and this sounds like him, to a tee. I need to obtain his focus, make sure he’s watching my face, then start talking.

      Reply ↓
    7. RagingADHD*

      With one of my kids and sometimes with my husband, I have to be touching them for them to really hear me and remember what I said. Usually I’ll just lay my hand on their arm or shoulder. In a pinch, I can ask for full eye contact, which usually works but is less reliable. If not, there’s a good chance they will have zero recollection that the conversation ever happened, even if they are participating in it.

      My dad was like this sometimes, too.

      It’s one of the reasons kids grew up being constantly – constantly – patted, holding hands, side hugs, etc. Which all in all, is not a bad thing between people you love.

      Yes, my spouse and kids all have ADHD as do I, and we all have different flavors, which keeps it interesting. And I’m pretty sure where I inherited mine from.

      Reply ↓
    8. Thoughts?*

      Our entire/audiologist said when my hubby tested normal/no need for hearing aids that in a marriage, communication works best face to face. While I find it annoying (I tend to forget what I wanted to tell him while changing locations), she’s not wrong. Also, I do seem to drop my volume at the end of sentences—so hear hears the start but not the end. Working on that in my end.

      Reply ↓
    9. Rainy*

      My dad has had terrible hearing since I was a small child, at the very least, thanks to his military service, and after a while we’d just say “Dad dad dad dad dad” until we caught his attention and then say whatever it was while facing him so he could also read our lips/expression.

      I suspect some of it was also the kind of auditory processing issue that comes with AuDHD (since trust me, dad is where we got it from!)–my husband and I have the issue that he’ll frequently only repeat the last part of whatever he said when I say “sorry, I didn’t hear you” when I caught the last bit because my brain finally caught up with my ears, but I need the first bit again. I’ve explained it several times but I think there’s some kind of universal human assumption that the last few words are the important part, somehow? It can be frustrating.

      My husband (also ADHD), will just catch the last bit and then assume the first bit, so sometimes I’ll be asking a question, he’ll just hear the last part and assume he knows what the whole thing was and say irritably “Yes, yes!” or “No!” when it wasn’t a yes/no question, so that’s fun to deal with as well.

      With the “my hearing is fine!” stuff, there’s a difference between being able to physically hear a tone and being able to process the sound. One is a hearing problem, the other is a processing problem, and simple hearing tests won’t catch auditory processing disorders. I wonder if suggesting that he see an audiologist instead of just doing an automated tone test would be helpful.

      Reply ↓
    10. Another. Scientist*

      I have an auditory processing issue (and also ADD although in my case I don’t consider it a disorder/problem for me). If I’m reading or otherwise focused, I tune out noise almost completely (that’s the ADD part) and then if there’s any sort of background noise above normal speaking (large machinery nearby, crowded cafeteria), I physically cannot distinguish words. I was subjected to batteries of hearing tests a a kid and my hearing was fantastic at all ranges (including the highest and lowest frequencies humans can hear).

      Learning that auditory processing issues existed in my late 20s was a revelation.

      Reply ↓
    11. My patience is wearing thin, but I'm not*

      Thank you SO much to everyone for all the excellent advice and comments!
      I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him cognitively, thank goodness, and I love the suggestions to get his attention first, among others. I’m copying all of your comments to a Word doc so I can refer back to them.
      Thank you thank you!!

      Reply ↓
  28. Rogue Slime Mold*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    Watched Companion, about a gathering of friends and partners at a remote lake house, where it turns out one of the people is a sexbot. And things go awry. And awkward. And then amiss. This was very fun. I followed the advice to go into the story without knowing a lot, and that paid off, so that’s all I’m putting here.

    Reply ↓
    1. Teapot Translator*

      I watched the first two episodes of Ludwig on Britbox (Canada). So good! I’m hoping the rest of the mini series is as good.
      I also started Miss Scarlett, which I also like.

      Reply ↓
    3. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Watched Anola based on the Oscar buzz, and disappointed. It’s about how the men around the title character react to her, much more than it’s about her. And while the ineptness from everyone is probably more true-to-life than, say, Wolfs, it’s not fun to watch these people.

      Reply ↓
    4. RussianInTexas*

      Reacher, The Pitt, Will Trent, The Rookie on the weekly basis.
      For All Mankind and Elementary when no weekly shows are out.
      Father Brown, Death in Paradise, Recipes for Love and Murder – just by myself.
      Ghosts UK as a time filler.

      Reply ↓
    5. Jay (no, the other one)*

      We are finally watching “Star Trek: Discovery.” We’re several episodes into Season 2 and I am very confused.

      Reply ↓
          1. CityMouse*

            Is season 2 the one with the Angel thing? I made it through that season and bailed at the beginning of Season 3. The angel thing never quite works.

            Reply ↓
              1. CityMouse*

                Discovery frustrated me because I so badly wanted to like it because I like so many of the actors on that show. But it’s just a bit convoluted and too serious. Even Deep Space Nine remembered to have fun episodes mixed in with the war stuff.

                Reply ↓
    6. Southern Violet*

      Currently watching through Downton Abbey again, and that’s always a good time. Except for what they did to Anna. Completely unnecessary for the story, and I hate it when sexual assault is used for drama. It cheapens it.

      Reply ↓
    7. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Inspired by Trap: Any movies that did something so ludicrous it killed your suspension of disbelief?

      The set-up is that the police discover a serial killer about whom they know almost nothing has tickets to a pop concert. So they hatch the following plan: Once the arena is packed with thousands of middle schoolers and their parents, a zillion SWAT teams will completely surround the arena, armed with machine guns. The killer will be trapped inside! … I mentioned that they have no idea what the guy looks like? It’s like a game of cat and mouse between two completely irrational actors. (Though if you are in the mood to yell at an M Night Shyamalan movie about how every plot twist is ridiculous and makes no sense, this movie will fill that gap.)

      Reply ↓
  29. PhyllisB*

    I posted a joy earlier now this one is somewhat sad. I bundled up my son’s clothes to give away. I feel like I’m losing him in pieces, but it’s time.
    I’m donating them to a men’s sober living facility. He had a lot of dress clothes because he was pursuing chemical engineering in college and had a lot of professional events.
    Perhaps these clothes will help these men get a new start in life. Hey, they have Dress for Success for women, why not for men?
    I was doing pretty well until I ran across a much loved leather jacket. He was so proud of that jacket!! He did a work study one semester in college and bought it with his first paycheck. When I saw that, I just lost it. But I know he would be glad for his brothers in spirit to benefit from these items.

    Reply ↓
    3. Not A Manager*

      I feel for you so deeply, PhyllisB. Whenever I would give something away that belonged to a loved one, I always felt a kind of totemic connection to the recipient. Like I was sharing my lost person, and my love for my lost person, with them. I hope that these donations bring you some feeling of peace.

      Reply ↓
    4. My Brain is Exploding*

      I kept a flannel shirt of my dad’s for years. So keep it a while if you want. You are doing a fine thing to honor his memory, and this is so hard!

      Reply ↓
    5. Jean (just Jean)*

      Hugs to you, PhyllisB. It’s so hard to lose someone and it’s indescribably harder when the person is also your child. I hope it comforts you to think about other people making good use of his things.

      Reply ↓
    6. Generic Name*

      Oh gosh. Hugs to you. No parent should have to bury your child, and I’m sorry this happened to you. You are a good person for donating his clothes to a good cause.

      Reply ↓
    8. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. These layers of processing are so very hard.
      Thank you for being generous in the giving of your son’s things. I’m sure they will allow many people to get into a better place in their lives.

      Reply ↓
  31. Skin help....stressed*

    Anyone else in their late 30s with a lot of red acne at hairline/scalp? Dealing with huge life stress lately and starting a new thing soon and…it’s wreaked havoc on my skin :/ Any soothing creams anyone swears by? More, a “my skin is stressed out…” Thinking it’s probably pre-menopausal but yeah.

    Reply ↓
      1. Alex*

        This! I had this happen when I was in my 30s and couldn’t figure it out. Turns out it was some shampoo that I had started using because a roommate had left it behind (not my normal kind). Once I stopped using it my face went back to normal. You can develop allergies at any time so even if you’ve been using something with no issues try switching it up to see if it helps.

        Reply ↓
    2. RussianInTexas*

      Second the hair products. Also, do you sweat a lot? Exercising, gardening, etc. Sweat and sunscreen give me breakouts unless I clean up right away.

      Reply ↓
    3. Generic Name*

      I’m a bit older than you (45) and I’ve recently discovered that stuff that looks like acne isn’t always acne. I’ve had a rash on my shoulders that looks a lot like acne and putting aquaphor of all things on it has helped it clear up. I agree with the others that it might be a reaction to your hair products. Did you dye your hair recently? If you can’t figure out what’s going on through home remedies, a dermatologist can often pinpoint what’s going on.

      Reply ↓
      1. WellRed*

        55 and recently learned that what I thought were weird breakouts related to hormones or whatever, was actually a new manifestation of my very mild rosacea I’ve had forever. Totally different treatment!

        Reply ↓
    4. Double A*

      I’m 41 and in the last year my scalp just….changed. There’s been some stress but I also think it’s perimenopausal. I actually went to the doctor for it and she pretty much recommended what I had found myself through googling, along with a cream for what was showing up on my neck and ears.

      The upshot was, after being quite happy finally with my hair routine, I had to blow it up and start over and I’ve bought more hair goop in the last six months then I have in my life.

      The most helpful product I’ve found, though, is pure jojoba oil. I heard once it’s the closest thing to human sebum, so I use it and only that at night before bed on my face and I have started also using it on my scalp occasionally. But what this does to you hair will vary a lot on your hair type.

      I also had to start using dandruff shampoos and they’re…only kind of helpful and also seem to dry out my scalp which lead to more problems. But it might be worth trying something like Neutrogena T-sal. The shampoo my doctor recommended is Nizoral (it’s over the counter and commonly used for dandruff so hopefully not veering into medical advice here. I had actually already been using it because of my own research).

      I’ve also liked the As I Am hair line. I have thick wavy hair though, so those products are designed for me more.

      Reply ↓
  32. Teapot Translator*

    What are you listening to? Let’s hear about the podcasts, radio shows or even albums/playlists you’ve been listening to!

    Reply ↓
    2. Teapot Translator*

      I’m catching up on Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me! and I’m thinking of starting a re-listening of Cabin Pressure.

      Reply ↓
    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I’ve been listening to Olivia Rodrigo and feel very silly about it. I’ll be listening to some angsty song and then she’s like “it’s so hard to be SEVENTEEN” and I’m like “…..I’m 38”

      Reply ↓
    4. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      I watched the PBS concert, Leonard Cohen, Live from Dublin a couple of weeks ago. I’ve been replaying it all week so I ordered the CD (actually a 4 CD set, not all songs from the 3 hour concert were broadcast) It arrives tomorrow. I always loved Hallelujah and have really connected with his other songs.

      Reply ↓
    5. Chaordic One*

      I’ve been enjoying Lady Gaga’s new album and I’ve been listening to a new batch of covers from “Forte A Cappella,” the high school singing group. The 2024-2025 group has released 3 new videos in the last 3 weeks on YouTube.

      Reply ↓
  33. Plaidless*

    Hoping music fans can help with a resource.

    I am looking for a database that lets you find songs that are similar in chord progression and/or lyrical timing to other songs. I have tried searching by guitar tab, but it’s extremely hit or miss.

    What I have found already that is NOT what I’m looking for: a “you liked this, so you’ll like that” suggestion generator, and a “this song samples this other song” search engine.

    To give a really easy example of what I want to do: a friend said it drove her nuts that she couldn’t figure out why Maroon 5’s “Memories” was so familiar, and it was because it had the same harmonic structure as her wedding march. So if I plugged in “Memories”, this theoretical database would spit out “Canon in D”.

    Does this exist?

    Reply ↓
  34. Teapot Translator*

    For various reasons, I am unable to plan any travel at the moment. I would therefore love to hear where you’re going or where you’ve recently gone. Tell me everything about your trips!

    Reply ↓
    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I am going to Disneyworld in the beginning of May for a short trip and will be meeting my parents and two of my dearest friends there. My friends and I signed up for one of the limited-time build-a-lightsaber experiences at Galaxy’s Edge; we’ve all done the “normal” one and are looking forward to the specialized version, and my parents can come with us to see the show part because each builder can bring in one guest. The Flower and Garden Festival will be going on at Epcot, so lots of really cool topiary displays, as well as all the little festival food booths and scavenger hunts. We have meal reservations at both a couple of long-time favorites and some new experiences, and are generally looking to pack as much fun as we can into four days :) (Most of us are annual pass holders and will be back for my dad’s 77th birthday in July as well.)

      Reply ↓
    2. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Got back two weeks ago after six weeks in NZ, Australia, and HI. We live on the East Coast of the US. Mostly NZ – flew into Auckland and spent a bit over three weeks driving south through both islands. We planned and booked it ourselves and it went off amazingly well, all things considered. Since we live pretty close to the Boston/NY/DC metro corridor we have lots of light pollution. The dark skies in NZ were absolutely amazing, and one of the rural places we stayed had a wood-fired hot tub where we could lay in the water and just look up at the stars. Also loved our kayak expedition in Kaikoura where we saw dolphins doing backflips and a little blue penguin, plus albatross and fur seals. Aoraki Mt Cook was stunning – they don’t call it the Southern Alps for nothing – and we also loved the boat ride in Milford Sound. Well, we mostly loved everything.

      Since my favorite white wine is Sauvignon Blanc, I really enjoyed the wine tasting! And we were happy to discover Wine Collective, a consortium of NZ wineries that ships to the US. We have 15 bottles coming soon!

      Next up for me are a couple of weekend trips around NY and CT, and then in July we go to Santa Barbara for a long weekend and later on take a train trip across the Canadian Rockies to Banff. We don’t usually travel like this all in one year – we planned the NZ trip and when the Canadian adventure fell in our laps, we couldn’t resist.

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    3. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Unexpected delight: Child played in an athletic tournament in Madison, Wisconsin last spring, so we headed to Madison.

      A compact, walkable city with fabulous restaurants–everywhere we ate was great. Lakes to the north and the south, with walking trails. A gorgeous arboretum with lots of trails about 5 minutes’ drive from downtown. Because last spring’s Top Chef was set in Wisconsin, I knew to plan to hit the Farmers’ Market by the capitol one weekend morning. I bought cheese curds, but actually took a picture of a head of lettuce to send to my daughter, recognizing that it would not look great if it sat in my rental car all day, but WOW what an incredibly gorgeous example of what fresh produce should be.

      From asking here I suggested that we fill a few hours between games by visiting Epic in Verona, a corporate headquarters with lots of art. (This description did not thrill my husband.) It was great–a union of diverse interesting architecture with tons of interesting art pieces. The sort of smaller piece that you buy because looking at it when you come downstairs each morning brings you joy.

      Reply ↓
      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I was at the Epic campus for training for three weeks in February, and it really was just a fascinating place to walk around and look at stuff during down time. (Did you happen to notice the brontosaurus in the woods as you were driving into the campus?)

        Reply ↓
        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          I’m jealous. I’m a lowly Epic user and did my training at the Ed Center here in town. Sigh.

          Reply ↓
          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I’m a build analyst, so I had to get whole-whack Certified. :) in-person class, projects and proctored exams, for five different modules.

            Reply ↓
    4. RussianInTexas*

      Spain last October, with my sister. Three days each in Madrid and Barcelona, with a day trip to Toledo out of Madrid. Everything was lovely, I fell in love with Madrid. And also, in love with the good, working public transportation, including fast trains.

      Reply ↓
      1. Thoughts?*

        Did similar—three weeks in Spain in September. A week in Barcelona, 3 nights in Valencia, 5 in Sevilla, and 10 in Madrid with overnight trips (one night only in each location) to Segovia and Toledo. Would happily go back and spend a month in Barcelona, a week in Valencia, a week+ in Sevilla and a month in Madrid.

        Reply ↓
    5. Science KK*

      This is more of a day trip, but my best friend surprised me with a San Diego Zoo pass so I’m going next week to get the physical copy & say hi to all the animals!

      Reply ↓
    6. Middle Aged Lady*

      Oregon Coast at Netarts Bay and Capes Meares area. Maybe camping at Cape Lookout.
      Oregon Country Fair
      Stargazing near Sisters, OR
      Camping in Iron Creek Campground, WA
      Annual visit to bestie in Richmond, CA
      Most trips are not far away and that’s how I prefer it these days. I am at the age where crossing time zones messes me up. And have grown weary of air travel. I am also liking short trips more than long ones these days. And ones where nature is the focus. A couple of these trips are with friends abd some are with my newly-retired spouse!

      Reply ↓
    7. Maestra*

      Traveled to Puerto Rico a couple weeks ago and it was lovely… Warm, sunny, beautiful! We had beach time, walking through Viejo San Juan time, and even went to a local rum distillery (not Bacardí).

      I’ll be chaperoning a school trip to Costa Rica in June that I’m looking forward to. It’s a service trip, not a language trip, but I get to go because an adult who speaks Spanish has to be at least one of the chaperones. The best parts: it’s free for me and I don’t have to do any of the planning!

      Reply ↓
    8. BellStell*

      Well I decided to take every Friday off in March as I has sone use it or lose it days. I live where easyjet operates so i have had three short visits to three places: Tromsø, Norway and Barcelona and also Wales. Norway and BCN were new places for me and these trips while heavy on a carbon footprint were my last ditch effort to have sone fun because starting tmrw I need to buckle down and save like mad until end of this year. I wanted to try to see new places and also friends in Wales and I accomplished that. Did saunas and spas in all 3 places. Explored. Wandered. And I am planning now to stay home rest of the year and focus on my health and finding something better to do with my life than the place that shall not be named currently is for me.

      Reply ↓
  35. Can't Sit Still*

    I have my in-person pain clinic intake on Monday! Does anyone have any positive stories and/or results from you or a loved one or even a friend or neighbor going to a pain clinic? All I ever hear are negative and depressing stories about how useless they are. I’m hoping this is bias and the people with positive outcomes aren’t talking about them because they are busy living their lives.

    While the pain clinic doesn’t prescribe opioids, I have one of the mutations that make them useless to me, so that’s not one of my concerns. I also don’t expect to become pain-free. Tbh, I have no idea what that would be like, since I’ve had chronic pain for decades, but it’s gotten much worse in the past couple of years. I just want to be able to live my life as normally as possible and I want to know what realistic goals are going forward.

    So, positive outcomes from a pain clinic, please?

    Reply ↓
    1. Thoughts?*

      Friend did and it was life changing! Was residential for the first week then commuted for another week. Best of luck!

      Reply ↓
    2. Luisa in Dallas*

      My partner has pain from arthritis in various parts of his body. He recently started seeing a pain management doctor for this. We were pleasantly surprised by the experience. I don’t know why, but I was expecting that we would have to convince the doctor that the pain was “real” and that my partner was not the type of person to abuse pain meds. However, the doctor was in fact very helpful and not at all reluctant to prescribe whatever was likely to work for the pain but still allow partner to function without fogginess. So, our experience was that the pain management doctor was especially knowledgeable and helpful. I hope you have a good experience, too.

      Reply ↓
  36. DJ Abbott*

    Should I request a different financial advisor?
    It turns out my father had his money in a trust, and left instructions that it be divided into two trusts for me and my sibling. Last week we had a meeting with the finance company and they explained how this would work.
    I first talked to the advisor in charge of this last fall, and he said he would email me information but never did.
    In the meeting, he told me to go to their website and register for the portal. When I tried to do that, it wouldn’t let me complete registration until he does something. So I emailed him, and he has not responded.
    It’s only been one business day, but I’m not comfortable trying to work with someone who doesn’t send or answer emails. Should I ask for a different advisor who is more responsive, or wait and see what happens?
    Thanks!

    Reply ↓
    1. Jay (no, the other one)*

      If this were the first time, I’d say wait and see. Sounds like it’s at least the second, though. Seems perfectly reasonable to me to ask for someone who can communicate in the way that works for you – or ask him if there’s a better way to reach him (his assistant, maybe?)

      Reply ↓
    2. Ginger Cat Lady*

      I would reach out to him and just ask if this is typical for a response time for him or if something is going on. It’s possible he wasn’t in the office Friday. Did you follow up last Fall? Do you know for sure that it didn’t go to spam? (could have happened this time, too, if it was an email you needed)
      And honestly, I don’t know that you can expect someone super fast and responsive unless you’re a high roller or their only client. 48 business hour responses are pretty typical from most of the people I use (bookkeeper, tax preparer, insurance agent, etc.) and it’s fine with me because I know they have dozens, if not hundreds, of clients.

      Reply ↓
    3. RagingADHD*

      I don’t think one business day the Friday of Spring Break week (in a lot of places) is necessarily representative of an overall poor response time from this individual.

      I’m not clear on whether you were actually trying to take action on this last fall, or if you had just requested general info. I get that the two things together are frustrating, but my initial impression is that the delay on the portal permission is probably a lack of tech savvy on his part, and not responding on Friday is probably due to being out. Neither of those things reflect on his ability to give good investment advice, and are likely to be the same with anyone at the firm. IME, the admins are usually the ones who really know how to use a portal or other tech, and the client-facing professionals tend to be vague on the details.

      Getting all the paperwork drawn up to change a trust isn’t the kind of thing that happens overnight anyway, so unless he gave you vibes in the meeting that made you think he was careless, skeevy, or a jerk, then I’d suggest seeing how things go on Monday / Tuesday before asking for a new advisor.

      Reply ↓
  37. My Brain is Exploding*

    I need some search words, please! I am looking for a fedora-style (Panama) women’s hat that I can wear on a hot day but also a day where it is likely to rain at some point (so, no paper/straw hats). This is the style that looks best on me! Thanks.

    Reply ↓
    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      I typed in “waterproof fedora hat hot weather,” without the quotes, and a bunch of things came up. Hats can be tricky if you’re unable to try them on before purchasing.

      Reply ↓
  38. PatM*

    A week ago on March 14 a letter was published about a bad baseball cap. I think I found a worse one: the Puma Ferrari Race trucker cap. I’ll post links in a reply.

    Reply ↓
      1. Maryn*

        Thank goodness I wasn’t drinking anything when that second image opened. I’d have ruined my keyboard for sure!

        Reply ↓
  39. Ruh Roh Rooster*

    We got chickens from a friend, 5 hens and a rooster. The rooster is quite young, under a year, and he’s been lovely. Then he started getting sassy. Last night I think he fully underwent puberty and he went for one of the hens. When I went to let them out today, he and she were bloody. He kept at her even when they were out in the huge yard, so I’ve got him in a cat crate right now. He’s more beat up than her because he’s like half her size but he’s definitely the aggressor. The hen he went for seems like she’s 2nd in the pecking order.

    I’ve been googling all morning. It seems like we might have a slightly low hen to rooster ratio, but other than that the other stressors that can set this off aren’t present. Other than rooster hormones.

    Anyone ever have a small flock with a rooster that turned? Can he be reformed? Will they sort this out or will they kill each other?

    Reply ↓
    1. KageB*

      Are you trying to actually raise chicks? Roosters can be very territorial and mean. Growing up on a farm, we had several attack kids/other animals. Ended up being not worth it as you don’t need him if you’re just trying for eggs…

      Reply ↓
    2. Chauncy Gardener*

      Exactly. Is there a reason you have the rooster? They can be super tough to deal with, as KageB said above. If they’re OK, they can be protective of their flock and make sure they’re all safely roosting at night etc, but this guy sounds aggressive.
      If you just want eggs, you don’t want a rooster, IMHO

      Reply ↓
    3. Shiny Penny*

      Individual chickens have different temperaments, so you might not be able to influence his attitude. Usually aggression is rooted in them not having enough space for the numbers/personalities, but it can totally just be personality!
      What worked for me once: tying a lightweight object to the aggressor’s leg for a few days.
      It changed the social dynamics enough, that by the time it fell off the aggressive hen was no longer in “attack mode.” (The aggressor was alarmed and tried to hide amongst her friends. Her friends were alarmed and ran away from her. She chased THEM trying to get comfort, instead of chasing-in-rage, and the previous target of abuse was completely forgotten in the ruckus. But there WAS a ruckus, so this might not work if you have close neighbors. And it assumes your coop is large enough with a variety of perch heights and “hidey holes” so they can achieve social distance — which should be true anyway.)
      I used lightweight plastic logging tape tied in a (loose) loop around the leg, with part of a cut down lightweight plastic water bottle on the end to flop around. Size proportioned to the chicken involved. A strand of logging tape all by itself might work just as well, but I wanted something short enough to not get tangled. (Of course, tie the tape loose around the leg, and stick around for a couple hours to observe things).
      I would never do this unless I was trying to rehab an aggressive chicken so it could stay in its nice safe home, but they will kill each other so it’s either “try something” or rehome!

      Reply ↓
  40. Lifelong student*

    So today I was working on solving a personal tax issue where two documents which should match did not. Clearly if the same information was entered in each document, they should match. Which says to me that there is an error in the entries on one of the documents. Both documents have the same source of information. My partner- trying to help- kept looking for errors in an irrelevant source of information- which was not helpful to me in solving my problem. I finally realized why partner gets so upset when I try to offer suggestions on something I really know nothing about. Will try not to do that in the future- even if my excuse is “I’m just trying to help” Wont change partner- but might change me.

    Reply ↓
  41. Not your typical admin*

    Starting a small herb garden! So far I have lavender, mint, chocolate mint, parsley, basil, and lemon grass. Any others that you guys find easy to use?

    Reply ↓
    2. Bluebell Brenham*

      Oregano grows easily and is a nice culinary herb for Italian and Greek dishes. Sage as well. Did you mean lemon balm or lemon grass?

      Reply ↓
  42. The Silent Treatment*

    TL;DR: do I deserve this silent treatment?

    Partner and I were on our way to dinner last night and were waiting for the train. I said something I thought was a joke that didn’t land and it hurt his feelings. He told me it didn’t make him feel good, I apologized and told him it wouldn’t happen again. It was something that would’ve landed every other time so it wasn’t intended as hurtful but I understand sometimes these things can happen. He’s done the same to me. We all have.

    As we waited I could see him doing the thing he does when the silent treatment is about to set in. Running his hands together, twiddling thumbs, etc. For some background he will walk away from every argument, discussion, minor disagreement, no matter how big or small. He’ll issue the silent treatment for slights I didn’t know I had committed. It’s awful and always like the rug gets pulled out from under me. So now I can’t figure out if this is a reasonable response.

    As the train was approaching last night, I asked him what stop we needed to transfer at, and he barked it at me. I asked if he’d rather just go home and he aggressively shrugged his shoulders so I said we should go home then and got up to walk back to the car. We haven’t spoken since. I guess he was just going to let us go to the restaurant in silence with him pissed, me confused, and the waiter nervous—which has happened more than once. I guess he was never going to speak up and say he was too hurt to go out. Unless I happened to catch on like I did and end the night. The silent treatments happen so often that they no longer bother, surprise, or hurt me all that much.

    Reply ↓
    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Your last sentence tells me a lot. I divorced that guy, because I never deserve to be treated like crap, especially without knowing why. If you need space to not talk about something, cool. We can leave it for now. But – and maybe this is my particular baggage – after seven years with someone who did what you’re describing, I absolutely do not tolerate that type of mistreatment anymore. That wasn’t the only reason for our split, but it was a big one.

      No, you don’t deserve a silent treatment. You deserve a lot better than that. Like a grownup who can use their words.

      Reply ↓
      1. basil and thyme*

        You deserve a lot better than that. Like a grownup who can use their words.

        This. This is perfectly said.

        Reply ↓
        1. goddessoftransitory*

          This 1000 times. If he’s hurt, okay. But that’s not license TO CONTROL YOU, which is what this behavior is about.

          Reply ↓
      2. Not A Manager*

        “The silent treatments happen so often that they no longer bother, surprise, or hurt me all that much.”

        Are you sure? Because from literally every other word in your post, it sounds exactly like they bother, surprise and hurt you. And why not? They are intended to punish you.

        Reply ↓
    2. WellRed*

      This is not normal or healthy behavior. You are in a bad relationship with an emotional abuser. Please seek help including counseling.

      Reply ↓
    3. Shiny Penny*

      Just one more voice in the chorus, here. What you describe is never ok. It is especially especially not ok as a long-term default strategy between partners.

      You are occupying the “walking on eggshells” space. This is how you know the situation is abusive. I can see how confusing it might be that ***it looks like*** there is “not much” abuse going on here— but his silent punitive rage IS abusive. He is using his behavior to punish you, and to train you to feel guilty and wrong, and to make you suffer, and to train you to choose to focus a huge amount of your energy on managing his moods/reading his mind/monitoring your behavior to avoid setting him off.
      Good partners do not employ those strategies and would actively try to protect you from feeling awful.
      Please assess your safety (domestic violence hotlines can help you do this if all of this is new to you) and consider that you deserve a better life and a better future. What you describe sounds like,”I have learned many survival strategies to live more safely with the grizzly bear.” But, look— not living with a grizzly bear is actually a nicer life, and you deserve *that.*

      Reply ↓
    4. LGP*

      The silent treatment is never okay. If he needs time or space before continuing to discuss an issue, he needs to say that to you. It’s a bit odd to me that he was able to tell you in the moment that your words upset him, but then he’s still holding a grudge after you’ve apologized. Like, what else does he want from you? And of course, an apology doesn’t automatically make everything okay right away, but again, if he’s still feeling upset and needs some time to process, he needs to communicate that to you.

      Reply ↓
    5. Not A Manager*

      Coming back to say, I especially don’t like your framing of whether you deserve THIS silent treatment, and the long explanation of how from past practice you thought the joke would be okay, and you didn’t know it wouldn’t be okay, and you didn’t mean for it to not be okay.

      IT’S NOT OKAY. Even if you’d on purpose said a mean thing to him, the silent treatment wouldn’t have been an appropriate response. You’re tying yourself in knots to see whether you “deserved” someone else’s horrible, punitive behavior. No, you didn’t.

      Reply ↓
    6. Alex*

      That sounds really unpleasant and not the treatment you deserve. The silent treatment is so childish and cruel.

      Are you OK with this being such a major part of your relationship and how conflict is handled? Is he willing to discuss this with you in a non-fighting moment? I would suggest counseling for the both of you, except I strongly suspect that someone who does this would not agree to go.

      Reply ↓
      1. Not A Manager*

        Well, I personally would not actually suggest counseling, tbh. I think you’d get an enormous amount of gaslighting and blame, and I think TST is very susceptible to it right now. Individual counseling, sure. Couples counseling? I’d advise against it.

        Reply ↓
  43. A313*

    The silent treatment is never appropriate. It’s fine to say, I can’t talk about it yet, but I will after I’ve given it some thought/cooled down, etc., but the silent treatment is very passive aggressive and solves nothing. And now, not surprisingly, you’re at the point where it’s not unexpected or even affects you much. Marriage counseling might be helpful, or solo counseling for each of you. If he won’t go, then you should, to help frame your marriage and its issues for you clearly. This is tough, so I am sorry you’re having to deal with it.

    Reply ↓
  44. Bluebell Brenham*

    For those of you who commented on hamentashen last week— The Martian Contingency by Mary Robinette Kowal has hamentashen and telling the story of Purim in it! There is one weird part with a Hebrew phrase that is typeset wrong, but hopefully that will be corrected in future editions. Overall, it was a great addition to the series.

    Reply ↓

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