is my boss crossing lines, coworker injecting medication at their desk, and more

by Alison Green on February 26, 2025

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss is great in some ways but is he crossing lines?

I’m trying to figure out if my manager is interested in me as more than a coworker, or if the lines he crosses are just a part of his personality. I’ve been with my company as a general manager for eight months, hired into a lower position and immediately promoted by this man. He is always kind and funny with me. He calls me awesome, amazing, sunshine, tells me how funny I am, tells me I’m tough, and that he wants to make my life easier. And these are just the things he regularly says. He is never sexual, and mentions his wife casually in group conversation we are both involved in. He is very stern with other people, but still outgoing and friendly. He isn’t stern with me. He makes sure I’m set up for success in every situation he can.

Now to the parts that are a bit on the fence, so to speak. He often asks me to come and see things on his laptop at a hightop table; I’m 5’2” and he is about 6’4″ and he keeps the laptop in front of him, even if asking me to type something for him, which leads to very close contact. While we speak, he keeps non-broken full eye contact the entire time. He often stands so closely behind me that when he breathes deeply, I feel his chest as he inhales. Other people claim he is “different” with me.

He is an extremely extroverted person, who in my opinion is usually more openly friendly with others than with me. But he makes sure we speak every day, even if one or both of us is off. Flip side, he visits other locations more often than mine. He brags on others more openly than he does me. But something has gotten strange. Does this seem like normal extroverted behavior? Could I just seem like a child to him, paternal affection type stuff?

I just don’t know if maybe I’m misreading and it’s just that I have the best boss ever, not a potential issue.

You have alarm bells going off for a reason; don’t talk yourself out of it.

I don’t know exactly what’s up with your boss, but standing so close that you can feel his chest when he breathes is not normal behavior, and is in fact very creepy. The laptop thing could be simple lack of consideration or it could be pervy, I don’t know — but in combination with standing practically against you, it alarms me. In both these situations, you should feel free to create more physical separation between you. When he’s standing behind you practically touching you, move away! You can do that without announcing it, or it would also be fine to say, “Oh, let me move so we’re not so crowded.” With the laptop, you can say, “I can’t easily reach it from where I am, let me move it closer to me if I need to type” and then move it somewhere where you can access it without leaning into his lap (or whatever is going on in this configuration that he’s arranged).

I suppose it’s possible that you have an otherwise good boss who is remarkably oblivious about physical space issues, but I doubt it. Is he breathing all over male colleagues? If he does it to everyone, regardless of gender, perhaps he simply has no sense of physical boundaries. Otherwise, he knows what he’s doing, which moves him solidly out of “good boss” territory (and, frankly, into “not a good person” territory, too).

2. Coworker injecting medication at their desk

I work in a small office with about 15 people. One of my colleagues has diabetes and has to regularly monitor their blood sugars, which is of course of absolute importance. However, this colleague regularly pulls up their shirt to inject themselves in the stomach while sitting at their desk, and has once or twice done this in front of clients. I completely understand that this is a medical issue that they have to act on urgently, but part of me wonders whether it’s appropriate to ask them to do this in a private space. I’m not weirded out by injections, but some people can be, and I don’t necessarily want to see so much of my colleague’s skin on a regular basis. I have a feeling that this is a me problem and I should just ignore it, but any advice on how to appropriately support my colleague would be gratefully received. (To note, this is an early professional job for my colleague, who is still learning business norms, and helping them learn these is part of my role.)

I’d leave it alone. You’re right that people can be squeamish about needles but there’s no way for you as a colleague to know how urgent the situation might be and they need insulin to live. So it makes sense to err on the side of assuming that if they’re doing it at their desk, it’s because it needs to happen right then (and they might feel a public bathroom isn’t a particularly sanitary place to inject something into their body).

To be clear, if your coworker were the one writing to me, I’d tell them that if they’re able to avoid doing it in front of clients, that’s preferable (with the caveat that it might not always be optional). But as a colleague, I’d stay out of it.

3. Reference for an employee who didn’t perform well

I’m in a situation where I may have to respond to reference checks about a mediocre employee.

My direct report was with us for about nine months. In that time, I quickly discovered some of her basic skills were not as good as her resume or her small test had revealed. I invested a solid chunk of time in training her, and I saw a trajectory of improvement that was slower than I’d have liked, but still reasonable.

However, she recently made a few egregious mistakes. I gave her very serious feedback in the moment and also discussed the situation with my manager and HR. We decided a formal PIP was needed to more formally codify what she needed to fix and improve, and how soon. We all agreed that she had the potential to get there, and this was not a performative PIP where you go through the motions because you want to fire a person. We had not finished drafting this plan and communicating it to her when, for entirely unrelated reasons, many people on our team, including her, were laid off. I was not involved in the decision-making, but it made sense to me given the circumstances of our organization.

She has mentioned that in her job search, she’ll be asking me to be a reference. I don’t feel like I can recommend her without reservations. She has potential, but it was a lot more work to bring her along and train her than I expected or think should have been necessary. If I receive a reference call, how do I respond? Despite my feedback in the moment, I’m not sure she’s fully aware of the pattern of errors she was making, because I was expecting to emphasize that during our PIP discussion that never happened.

Do I talk with her about this? Refuse to be a reference? Act as a reference but be up-front about her strengths and weaknesses? She’s a good person, and I don’t want to be careless and damage her chance at a new job. But I don’t want to give a great recommendation that makes people doubt my judgment, either.

Talk to her and let her know so she can decide whether she wants to offer you as a reference or not. I’d frame it this way: “I want to be transparent that the reference I’d give would be mixed because of what happened with X and Y. The layoffs cut off our discussion about those issues, but otherwise we would have needed to move a formal improvement plan because those concerns were such serious ones. In a reference I’d be able to share that I saw A and B as strengths, but would need to be honest that I wasn’t seeing what I needed in C and D. I want to be up-front with you about that so you can decide whether it makes sense to share my name as a reference or not.”

On my first read of your letter, I was going to add that it’s really important to be giving feedback all along so that the person isn’t blindsided by something like this if it comes up later. But in this case, the way things unfolded made it more understandable that you didn’t: you thought she was coming along, just more slowly than you’d expected, and then when things became more dire you were preparing to address it, but then the layoffs cut you off just as you were about to. It’s not ideal but it sounds like that’s largely a consequence of the layoff timing, not a mistake on your end.

4. Are the federal layoffs causing layoffs at private companies?

I was discussing the federal layoffs with a coworker and she said her in-laws who work at (a) a big private financial services company and (b) the Bezos space company have all seen layoffs recently. Is this in reaction to the federal layoffs? I had thought my and my husband’s jobs in the private sector were safe for now, but now I’m worried.

I can’t speak to the layoffs at those specific companies, but in general, yes, there will be layoffs at private companies as a response to the federal government cuts. Loads of private companies have contracts with the government and so will be affected by the cuts there. And then it’s likely to trickle down further; heavy job losses in any large sector will start affecting other businesses because people will begin restricting their spending (either out of necessity because their households have less or no income or out of caution at what’s happening around them and uncertainty about what’s to come). It’s all intertwined, so what’s happening federally is likely to affect a lot of people in the private sector as well.

5. Alternative to Facebook for discussion groups

I am hoping you can put this out to the readers of AAM for some solutions. I work in payroll for the movies and run a couple of Facebook groups for people doing payroll for both film and television. Not to get too political, I would like to move my group off of Facebook, but I have no idea what other options are out there. I’m Gen-X so comfortable with computers but not so much with social media that isn’t mainstream.

Could someone direct me to a site where a group can have discussions, share files/documents, and limit access to members only? Basically, FB without the political ramifications.

I’m happy to throw it out to suggestions from readers, but take a look at Discord.

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{ 166 comments }

{ 166 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

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    Reply ↓
  2. Daria grace*

    #2, i agree with Alison to leave this one alone. I don’t know what specific type of medication your coworker is using but if it’s delivered in the pen style many diabetics use it doesn’t look enough like a needle that it’s likely to creep most people out. The showing more skin that necessary is maybe not ideal in an office environment but is something I’d hope everyone else could be mature about since it’s for a good reason.

    I don’t like doing my injections in the bathroom as I’m forced to either hold all my supplies while injecting or to put stuff down on a surface that may be damp or dirty.

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    1. Alz*

      Yeah, I wouldn’t suggest bathroom- but is there anywhere else they could do it? do you have a nursing room or a break out room they could use? They might not love doing it at their desk either but don’t want the bathroom and don’t feel they have an option. If you do bring it up I would only do so as an information thing and only once “hey, don’t want to intrude and I want to be clear that it isn’t a problem what you are doing, but would you like a more private space to inject? If you would like we can give you a draw in the [whatever] room where you can close the door and store your equipment, again, not an issue with what you are doing, just want to make sure you are comfortable”

      But, if you don’t think you can pull that off as supportive and non-intrusive then I would leave it alone.

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      1. Sam M*

        As a T1 diabetic, I don’t ‘not love’ injecting at my desk. I do it wherever – because frankly, T1 diabetes is so much of an inconvenience that I’m not going to waste a few minutes going off to a bathroom or wherever to do a 5-second injection (into fat, not a vein). If someone was needle-phobic, I would be considerate and turn away so they couldn’t see me inject, but anyone expecting more than that would really aggravate me.

        If it helps, consider it like any other disability – expecting the disabled to mitigate other people’s discomfort with their disability is generally frowned upon.

        It’s worth saying that I’m 38, been a T1 since 21, and never had anyone complain – so I would very much discourage asking people to hide away ‘in case’ they get a complaint that is realistically very unlikely.

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        1. Sam M*

          I think perhaps I was a bit harsh – but from the perspective of someone in the UK, a co-worker saying “Would you like a more private space” would very much scan as a passive-aggressive request.

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          1. MozartBookNerd*

            Thank you Sam. Overtones of communication can be so tricky, and your point about how it “scans” is really astute. It helped me in this context and I’ll extrapolate from it too. Cheers.

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          2. londonedit*

            I think it’s context-dependent – if you were mid-injecting and someone came up to your desk and just said ‘Would you like a more private place to do that?’ then yes, absolutely, that would 100% read as passive-aggressive.

            Of course, you might have your own opinion on it, but I’m not sure whether someone having a quick private conversation where they say ‘I don’t mean to pry, but I noticed you injecting your insulin at your desk, and I wondered whether you might be more comfortable in a private room? No problem if not, but the wellness room is always available if you need it’ would be pass-agg. Personally I’d think that would be fine, but of course it would all depend on tone and context. I’d leave that sort of conversation for a neutral time – i.e. not immediately after someone had injected at their desk – so that it wouldn’t come across as criticism.

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        2. Dead Pancreas Owner*

          T1 here, same age as you (UK-based). I also don’t do bathroom because it’s unhygienic and inconvenient, and as you said this condition is such a pain in the backside and I am just trying to keep myself alive.

          What I found works for me is disclosing my condition to the colleagues I tend to sit with and casually say “hey, I till have to occasionally inject insulin, and it’s easier and more hygienic for me to do it here. Does anyone have issues with needles? If so, I’ll make sure to avoid doing it in your proximity”. I never had any objections, and everyone has been super chill about it.

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          1. Shinespark*

            Yeah, I think that’s the way. If you’re someone who’s very phobic of needles, asking for a quick heads up so you don’t accidentally see the injecting happening is fine. Asking your colleague to shape their whole medication routine around you is not.

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        3. Pom Mom*

          Needle phobic here. Can the diabetic give the people who might see the injection 30 seconds notice so they can leave for a minute? I’d be happy to move so you don’t have to deal with me fainting.

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          1. NothingIsLittle*

            Not diabetes, but I also have an injected medication. They usually come in pens that completely conceal the needle. Is that still a problem? Genuine question! My best friend has a problem with needles, but isn’t bothered by my injection pens.

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            1. londonedit*

              Everyone’s different, but I have a problem with needles and the pens do still make me feel queasy, even if they don’t provoke the full-on phobia response. But everyone’s different! I’d prefer not to see someone injecting with a pen if possible, but also I wouldn’t expect them to leave the room.

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      2. rebelwithmouseyhair*

        My nephew has to do this, at weird moments, and it’s always best to react asap. He simply says “excuse me” and turns away to do it. It’s true that it’s not for the most squeamish, and I would say that this employee could do the same, in order to not expose members of the public to his medical issue.

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      3. Ally McBeal*

        I think LW’s coworker should get a private office as an accommodation, if private offices are available in their building. It seems like it would be more sanitary and would also solve the issue of doing it in front of clients. Or maybe the building can set up a wellness room, although access would have to be carefully managed to make sure the person with diabetes can access it at a moment’s notice.

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    2. Martin Blackwood*

      Yeah, I give myself IM injections/ am generally really good w medical stuff—but assuming its a pen type injector, those needles are SO SMALL I think youd really have to watch to regester that its a needle. I remember my diabetic friend giving herself an injection across a restaurant table from me—it was over so quick I dont think I actually saw the needle. Not ideal in front of Clients, sure—if OP is in a position to keep the conversation going, I think thatd be a good way to keep the focus off coworker, but not necessarily necessary to talk to them about it.

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      1. Ashley*

        I get normalizing, but there are needle squeamish people. I have to cover my eyes when they show the pen like needles on tv, but the fact they show it on tv commercials tells me it is a me problem. However, not wanting to faint at work is a fairly normal goal so mutual consideration amongst colleagues will go better for everyone.

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      2. CatDude*

        Agreed. There’s already enough diabetes stigma without making an issue of such a simple way of managing the disease.

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    5. Susie and Elaine Problem*

      Yeah, I think doing it at your workstation might be better than in the bathroom. You have all your supplies with you, don’t need to wait for an available stall or sink area, and we all know how gross bathrooms can be (see the post about the bathroom masturbator from the other day).

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  3. IT Relationship Manager*

    Oh no, I’ve taken insulin at my desk. I don’t have an office but I do turn away from the one coworker who can see me. It’s much easier to do than than go across the building to take it in a bathroom.

    I do use the bathroom at restaurants because I don’t want to do that at a table (there’s a lot of things you shouldn’t do there!). But at work I can do it discreetly and without bothering my coworker.

    I’m a little desensitized to needles and medical things from my life so maybe I’m not a good gauge for how others might feel, but it wouldn’t bother me if I saw skin of a coworker of they needed medicine.

    I agree with Alison that if this person was writing in, I’d say don’t do it in front of so many people and especially people that aren’t part of a closer circle to you like clients.

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    1. MassMatt*

      If I might ask—how time-sensitive is it to get insulin, is going to a rest room or unused conference room potentially too long?

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      1. Daria grace*

        It’s unusual that it would be a can’t wait a few minutes kind of issue. However bathrooms can be suboptimal places to inject due to no-where clean and dry to put down your supplies and in some office finding a spare conference room can take a while

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        1. Storm in a teacup*

          If the office has a wellbeing room or space maybe that’s an option. If they’re still learning office norms then it may help them to know it’s ok if they need to step away for a few minutes even if with a client.

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      2. Goreygal*

        also.. it’s something that takes a few seconds to actually do. managing diabetes can already be quite a cumulative burden…why ask people to add 5-10 mins of logistics to each injection.

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      3. rebelwithmouseyhair*

        It can wait a bit but I believe it’s best to react immediately. And it can be frequent enough that getting up to go somewhere else can be terribly disruptive (especially if you’re working with the public). Turning away while excusing yourself is just fine.

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    3. Nodramalama*

      I personally think it’s fine. But anecdotally, one of my diabetic colleagues injected during a meeting, and one of the other people in the meeting was extremely afraid of needles and fainted, and was very embarrassed by it.

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  4. BadMitten*

    LW 5, I agree with the discord suggestion and also will throw in Bluesky (where you can also follow @askamanager). Also Signal, depending on how your group talks.

    I know so many small businesses that only have a Facebook site, it’s a shame that meta has gone downhill. Even ignoring the terrible politics, its feed is awful, and over half the ads seem like scams. It’s just very unfortunate.

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    1. Katie Impact*

      It sounds like Bluesky doesn’t have the features to suit OP5’s needs right now: it doesn’t currently support making discussion groups, has pretty limited file-sharing capabilities, and all posts are public by design.

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      2. Temporarily Anon*

        The company I work for is increasingly distributed, and we use Discord, the Google suite, and now Monday.

        Facebook has always been too intrusive and too eager to monetize every bit of information they can collect. I don’t use it myself for the reason, and if for some reason the company decided to use it (they won’t) I’d have to think seriously about whether I wanted to continue working there.

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    3. Lizzo*

      +1 for Signal, though Discord may be a better interface for larger group chit-chat. Signal wins as far as privacy, though. One of my groups that focuses on a sensitive topic left WhatsApp for Signal so that we can be completely disconnected from Zuck.

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      1. Katie Impact*

        One option for the OP if they want a group chat with a Discord-like interface but better privacy and security would be to self-host a Mattermost instance, although that might be deeper into the weeds than they want to go in terms of technical know-how.

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    4. Librarian beyond the Shelves We Know*

      There’s a Discord alternative called Revolt that is free and open source, if you’re looking for something similar without the big tech issues.

      If you use Signal, you can have multiple channels with different topics and different deletion rules, but it’s not as aggregated as Revolt or Discord. You can make folders via the app to put specific chats in, though.

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    5. Name Anxiety*

      If you’re not worried about Privacy privacy, just wanting a members-only discussion list, you might check out Google groups. It works basically like an email distribution list, but if members have a Google account they can also access the home page where you could link to shared documents.

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      1. Bookish*

        We moved our listserv off Google groups because it fairly recently required all members to have a gmail account. So far, Gaggle has been a good alternative.

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      2. DJ Abbott*

        Having just dealt with Google refusing to give me directions online and trying to force me to use their maps app, I would not start anything new with Google right now.

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    6. Kleiner Leiter (MinorTeamLead)*

      LW5 might be interested in sites, which are not run by big companys, owned by some rich guy, who may turn proto-fascist any time. So I recommend the fediverse aka mastodon. Having a brief look into the instance list I found mastodon.art where movie proffesionals might feel welcome.
      (check joinmastodon.org for more info)

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      1. Third wheel in the office*

        Also Friendica is fediverse and may have the functionality they’re looking for (not used it myself, but it’s positioned as a facebook alternative)

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    7. English Rose*

      This may seem a bit old school, but look at LinkedIn groups as well. They can be set to private and easy to moderate, with the ability to share documents and other media.

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    9. MJ*

      Some other options:

      Google Groups – can be set to private, works like email, files can be shared, free. Not the slickest interface in the world but very reliable.

      Slack – free plan should probably do the job. Pretty user-friendly. Allows file sharing. Messages disappear after 90 days on the free plan so you’ll need a paid plan if you want to maintain an archive.

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      1. Beany*

        I’ve had issues with Google Groups in the past, where we were using it more as a mailing list — some people’s notifications just vanished into the void, no matter what they did. I don’t know whether the googlegroups domain got blacklisted by their own mailserver or what.

        We ended up moving to groups.io, which has much of the same capabilities, and has been hassle-free.

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    10. Minimal Pear*

      I’m a member of an org that uses Discourse for forums and I really recommend it. Definitely a learning curve (there are still a few things I haven’t figured out) but as someone who used to be an active forum user and really missed them when social media took over, I’m loving it.

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    11. DJ Abbott*

      Facebook is not much fun anymore. My friends and I have always used it to announce/ plan social events and stay in touch..
      Ever since election season, people aren’t posting fun stuff and it’s cluttered with not just ads, but solicitations to join groups or watch videos, as well as the depressing political stuff. It looks dark and gloomy, and I have to push myself a little to check it twice a week.
      Whereas this site is my bread and butter, I love it. <3

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    12. Person from the Resume*

      I had a person try to get discord group going for a book club, and I found it too complicated and no one really joined or participated which becomes self-fulfilling because why log in to check if nothing is happening.

      The owner was barely on FB and was in discord for other things, but I think you might have trouble getting people to move to a new app. OTOH if you bring a core group, others may follow you for the discussion.

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    13. Cat Lady in the Mountains*

      Discord is great for this kind of thing. I’m a member of a 500+ member sports group that has a regular need for discussion and planning meetups and is very active on our discord. We have a huge range of tech skills and social media norms in our membership. Discord has worked beautifully for us – but it does require an admin to set it up in a way that organizes discussions clearly, and some ongoing moderation helps a lot. For example, we have a “gear” thread and an “advocacy issues related to our sport” thread and a “newbies go here for basic questions and advice” thread and a thread for each meetup and a thread for certain festivals etc. Anyone can create a sub-thread to start a discussion within those categories. The transition/learning phase when we switched from FB took a couple months but now it is widely loved. We have probably 5 new discussions a day and significant engagement on each discussion.

      Reply ↓
  5. Raida*

    1. My boss is great in some ways but is he crossing lines?

    The standing-too-close-thing is the easiest way to clearly make space:
    step back. Accentuate leaning back your head to look at him (thanks height difference!) and make is clear you are more comfortable at a distance, one step away is completely normal.
    If he’s doing it while you are seated, you have to say “Hey, back up a bit there [boss]” and if need be then use the word “looming” to indicate You Are Too Close Matey!

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    1. Ginger Cat Lady*

      His response to this pushback will be telling. If he apologizes and stops doing it, that’s reassuring. If it keeps happening because he keeps “forgetting”, tries to claim it’s necessary, or tells you that you’re overreacting, that’s a huge red flag. HUGE.

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      1. Mockingbird*

        That part. You could just remind him of his female family member and it’s causing him to give you extra attention, but it doesn’t matter why he’s doing it if it makes you uncomfortable. Give yourself more space, and if he’s creepy about it, start stepping on his toes, hard, when he’s that close.

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        1. rebelwithmouseyhair*

          I would suggest saying something like “you remind me of my grandfather when you do that” serves as a good reminder to the boss of the huge age gap, emphasising just how inappropriate he is being. A young intern managed to shut down our boss very effectively like that. She offered to help do something on his phone, explaining that she’d done the same for her grandfather, and he was really annoyed – the age gap would have been more like father daughter.

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          1. ecnaseener*

            Wait, where are you getting a huge age gap from in this letter? All I see is a height gap, which – as a fully-grown 5’2″ person, I can confirm – doesn’t mean anything about LW’s age!

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            1. Hlao-roo*

              There’s nothing explicit about ages in the letter, but this question:

              Could I just seem like a child to him, paternal affection type stuff?

              implies (to me, at least) that there is some sort of age gap, with the manager older and the letter-writer younger.

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      2. Joron Twiner*

        Yes, if you still want to assume goodwill on your boss’s part: someone who hasn’t noticed that their crush is becoming obvious, or that they have been accidentally making someone uncomfortable, they will be embarrassed when they realize this. They will back off and not get close to you anymore. This is a mortifying social experience for normal people.

        Someone who continues to do this is not doing so by accident. It means they don’t respect physical or professional boundaries, and they are not safe to be around.

        So you don’t need to be “objectively right” or know what’s in your boss’s heart. It is enough that you feel uncomfortable, and if that is not respected, it is enough for you to raise the issue with HR or someone higher.

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        1. Jopestus*

          AND if he is of the type that is respectful to people in general but not to ones who catches their eye, he is of the most dangerous kind of people. That is the kind that seems to get away with anything with impunity since nobody believes the victim.

          -> Clear boundaries and if he follows them, all is good. If not, RUN FOR THE HILLS!

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        2. BattleCat*

          I wouldn’t be assuming goodwill personally. I can’t believe that anyone could “accidentally” stand so close behind someone that they’re basically touching, unless they’re in a mosh pit or on a really crowded commuter train. I’d try it out yourself OP (on someone willing to be experimented on!) so you can see how deliberate and boundary-crossing someone need to be to get into that position.

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          1. Mark Knopfler’s Headband*

            I could see a person on the spectrum making that mistake (I have similar problems with the volume of my voice). If it persists after an explicit reminder, that’s a bit different.

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        3. DJ Abbott*

          It might be all nonverbal. If OP moves away, it will be what he does. Does he keep moving closer when she moves away? Or does he stay in his original spot and never get close to her again? That’s what will tell her if it’s accidental or not.
          If he keeps doing it, then say something. If not, no need to embarrass him and make the relationship more awkward.

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          1. bamcheeks*

            There is a famous thing about the personal space differences between different cultures, and rooms full of Northern Europeans backed up against the wall by Middle Eastern colleagues, because they keep naturally and unconsciously stepping forward to close the gap every time a Northern European steps back to open it up. (I have experienced this in person, with a very lovely Lebanese colleague and friend, who stands close enough that my whole Northern English nervous system starts screaming, and who will absolutely step forward again if I step back. She doesn’t do it in professional spaces because she’s lived here long enough to be aware of it and she’s deliberately tolerating what feels like “weird distant froideur” to her, but when we’re out as friends and we’re both relaxed, we both revert to our cultural types!)

            I think this is why it’s worth naming it as well as just moving back: if the boss is from a culture (including a micro-culture) which has a much smaller personal space bubble, it absolutely can be unconscious. If you’ve stepped back AND asked for more personal space and he still keeps doing it, then that’s a very reasonable point to go to HR so they can advocate for your personal space more robustly.

            (Though I am also going to note that if it was something like this, he’d be doing it to nearly everyone, not just LW.)

            Reply ↓
            1. Nativefloridian*

              they keep naturally and unconsciously stepping forward to close the gap every time a Northern European steps back to open it up

              I once addressed this non-verbally by stepping back with one foot while leaving the other in place so they physically couldn’t put their feet there. I lost a couple inches in height but got almost a foot in distance.

              Reply ↓
  6. Nicole*

    as a diabetic I want to echo Alison’s advice. Unless they’ve lived a very different life than I have, they have heard multiple comments about the needles and other necessities of being diabetic. (including strangers at the grocery store, gym, etc.) personally even knowing it’s coming from a good place I would feel immediately defensive in a similar situation – the options are limited and all bad typically (wait until I’m actively sick to take medication? don’t eat at all during the day?) I think if there’s other ways this worker isn’t following workplace norms it could be brought up in that context, but even then I’d hesitate.

    Reply ↓
  7. Daria grace*

    #5 discord is great for discussions but not so great for sharing files. It caps the upload size for people without paid accounts pretty low

    Reply ↓
    1. Dom*

      This is true, but you can still share links to files you’ve uploaded elsewhere (e.g. Google Drive) and Discord will embed images or videos that you’ve hosted on another site (such as Imgur), if you put the link in a message. My main concern with Discord would be that the permissions controls aren’t very friendly if you’re coming from somewhere like Facebook, and messing it up so anyone can join (or so some people can’t see important channels) is a real risk.

      Reply ↓
  8. Kotow*

    LW2: I say this as someone who is so very afraid of needles that throughout 2021 I truly couldn’t look at the numerous closeups of people getting the Covid vaccine, let alone get it myself (it would have genuinely resulted in a panic attack, fainting, or both and medical professionals are unfortunately anything but professional when that happens in my experience). So I absolutely would not want to see this at work! But I don’t see how you can ask her to stop. In general, I’d assume that someone doing so at her desk needs to do it there–and honestly I wouldn’t trust a public restroom to be sanitary enough and absolutely understand why someone wouldn’t be comfortable there.

    FWIW, if I were a coworker and it occurred at predictable times, I would either find reasons not to look (look away, focus on something else, schedule meetings at different times, etc.) or excuse myself (I do this when my mother in law injects insulin at restaurants). All of these can be done with minimal to no commentary. If I were a client I’d look down and not make eye contact, or try to excuse myself for a few minutes. I wouldn’t say anything about being afraid of needles because it’s not taken seriously and not even necessary to do. So I’d leave it alone. There are almost always workarounds for someone who truly can’t look!

    Reply ↓
    1. ghost_cat*

      FWIW, I have donated plasma over 200 times and I still have to look away when they are preparing to poke me. I think I’d be okay with an insulin injection as they typically involve a pen, but I get being squeamish!

      Reply ↓
      1. Dog momma*

        I’m a retired nurse,42yrs + ICU and not squeamish at all
        (unless it involves eyes), so gave thousands of injections ,drew blood, inserted IVs. and I can’t watch them drawing my own labs, putting in an IV. It got worse as I got older lol.

        Reply ↓
    2. Account*

      This is good perspective! And of course you’re right— the phobic person can simply pretend to check their phone for a second (injecting insulin is a way quicker process than getting a vaccine) or otherwise get through the experience, much more easily than the diabetic relocating to another area.

      Reply ↓
    3. Charlotte Lucas*

      I hate needles, too, and I hated those visuals.

      But I hate the idea that my coworker might not be able to take care of a serious medical problem more.

      In a small space, there are ways to give the illusion of privacy, and one of those ways is to turn away and let someone do what they need without you watching them.

      Reply ↓
  9. Raida*

    2. Coworker injecting medication at their desk

    If part of your responsibilities is teaching them office norms, then tell them “I’m fine with the injections, you may work with people at other times and places where they are not okay with it, don’t assume that because we’re cool here that it’ll always be all right. Could be baring skin, could be hygiene, could be ick, could be ‘that’s a private medical thing so do it in private’ but you’re likely to run into people in your career where it won’t be a given. If it is an issue then be *gracious* and offer understanding, not combativeness or any mind-ur-own-business mentality. You’re far more likely to successfully negotiate not having to go to the EOFT or bathrooms or an office if you come at the subject that way.”

    And separately “A rule of thumb – don’t pull up your shirt with Clients around, and don’t inject in front of them. We can as a team figure out any squeamishness or hygiene concerns within the office, but we can’t manage how a client feels.”

    Reply ↓
      1. LaminarFlow*

        +1 to this. Diabetics who need to inject insulin need to be able to inject when the need arises. Telling someone that they are fine to tend to their injection at this company, in approved ways, but it might not be ok at other companies just seems like overkill. I’ve known & worked with several T1 diabetics through the years, and they have all wanted to get the injection over with as quickly and unobtrusively as possible.

        Also, I believe T1 diabetes is covered by ADA laws, so telling someone how and when to manage their condition could result in some non-ideal consequences that companies employ HR professionals for.

        Reply ↓
    2. Cat*

      Diabetes is a disease that is covered under ADA. Just as it would not be appropriate to tell someone who uses a mobility device how to use it in the office or around clients because of “ick” or how the clients feel, don’t tell a diabetic how to manage their diabetes. Restrooms are also dirty and should not be suggested as appropriate places to take insulin.

      Reply ↓
    3. SAS*

      If you would not have this conversation with someone who takes a pill at their desk, I don’t think it’s appropriate to have it with someone whose medication is via injection. (And I say this as someone with a severe needle phobia)

      Reply ↓
    4. JustKnope*

      Ahh no, you should not say all of these things to a diabetic coworker. “I’m okay with your disease but the rest of the world might not be” is crappy. You could Maybe, MAYBE say “would it be possible to step out when clients are here so you aren’t lifting your shirt in front of them” but that’s literally it.

      Reply ↓
    5. Blue Pen*

      Please don’t say this. I’m not sure if you wrote extra to give context, but this is so heavy-handed and patronizing. Although the co-worker may be newer to professional offices, they’re not children. They have a medical need, and I’m certain the appropriate accommodations can be made on their part and the employer’s.

      Reply ↓
    6. Metal Gru*

      As a client, I wouldn’t be concerned about needles, skin showing etc as I understand that this is a normal part of managing diabetes. However I would be a bit concerned that they didn’t get any other opportunity to do it (break times etc – how time sensitive is it?) and then it becomes an emergency and has to be done during the client visit.

      Reply ↓
      1. metadata minion*

        It can be very time-sensitive — not “I must do this in the next 30 seconds or I’ll die”, but if a client meeting is an hour long, that can be too long to wait.

        Reply ↓
    8. Cordelia*

      yeah, no. You are not being especially “cool” by “allowing” them to inject at their desk, it’s a medical need that they are fulfilling. Clients and coworkers will have to manage their “ick” at the sight of someone’s disability. The amount of skin bared is minimal, just look away for a few seconds. And as for hygiene – watching someone inject does not present a hygiene risk to the observers, but injecting in a public restroom certainly presents a risk to the person themself.
      And if I was a client I would far rather wait a few seconds for the person to do this essential thing at their desk than to wait however long it takes them to go to a bathroom or different area to do so.

      Reply ↓
    9. STLBlues*

      This is terrible advice. Please never say any of this to anyone who is diabetic. This is so condescending and ableist I almost don’t have words.

      “Could be ick”? Get over it. It’s medication.
      “Could be hygiene”? I’d imagine the person injecting themselves is the most aware of the hygiene implications, thanks.

      Reply ↓
    10. Worldwalker*

      “Don’t do something necessary for your actual survival, that is totally harmless to other people, because it might squick someone. Instead, go to the most unsanitary place in the building, where you may contract a life-threatening infection, so you don’t offend people’s fee-fees.”

      Is that really what you want to say? I really don’t think so, but that’s how it comes across.

      Reply ↓
  10. Yellow lab*

    Re: insulin, I disagree that this person has a “right now” emergency. People confuse the need for insulin — to regulate high blood sugar, with the need for glucose — to regulate dangerously low blood sugar. It absolutely is potentially a seconds matter emergency if your blood sugar is too low. But high blood sugar, while of course critical to address, does not have the same urgency. That would take hours to develop into a medical emergency. Anyhow, this probably wouldn’t change the answer but I do take issue with the notion that this must be done right at this very moment.

    Reply ↓
    1. Daria grace*

      If someone has a few minutes between meetings, it may not be appropriate to wait until the next meeting is over to inject.

      Reply ↓
    3. JustKnope*

      Oh I really, really disagree with this. Your point is correct that low blood sugar emergencies are generally more time sensitive. But giving insulin at the correct time in relation to when I eat is critical. I have other reasons right now why I must keep very tight control of my blood sugars, and being able to inject insulin when I need it is a big part of that. I have a pump so I’m not injecting myself with a needle, but having to walk to a separate spot every time I give myself insulin is just not gonna happen.

      Reply ↓
  11. Queer Anon*

    LW5, you could look at groups.io. The free version does have limitations on total file storage space and number of members, but it meets your three criteria. It works through email (though people can also post directly from the site), and I find it’s better for discussions with longer messages than Discord or Signal.

    Reply ↓
    1. Pan Pan*

      “I’m Gen-X so comfortable with computers but not so much with social media that isn’t mainstream.”

      LW5, please retract your ageist comments. Plenty of people who are Gen X are perfectly comfortable with “social media that isn’t mainstream.” Plenty of people older than Gen X are comfortable with both computers and social media. Judging from the anti-social media comments on an earlier thread today, plenty of fragile Millennials and Zoomers dislike social media.

      Reply ↓
      1. Greyhound*

        I don’t think LW was being deliberately ageist (more reporting on her own level of comfort), but I agree it does grate. I’m an early 1950s baby, and once had to explain to a 20 something colleague who was astonished at my ability to use computers that I’d been using them when she was a baby. I’ve had people ask me if I know what YouTube is and assume I can’t use internet banking. I got asked in a big electronics and entertainment store (JB Hifi for Australians) whether my son had sent me in to buy a piece of computer gaming equipment, which managed to be both ageist and sexist. It gets very annoying.

        There are lots of good alternative social media platforms, discord being one of them.

        Reply ↓
        1. Worldwalker*

          I’m a bit younger than you, but I get the same thing. The other day I had a chipper young cashier ask if I needed help using the POS at the self-checkout. I was sick (though I didn’t know it yet) and in a bad mood so I actually said what I was thinking: “I’ve been using this stuff since before your parents met each other.”

          Some people get the idea that other people stopped learning when they were the age the person making the assumptions currently is (I assume they themselves intend to never learn anything again after today) and therefore haven’t learned anything since, say, 1980. They’re wrong. And need to be called out on it

          Reply ↓
      3. Glengarry Glenn Close*

        I’m in my 50s, yet I once made a YouTube comment that got over 10,000 “likes”. Yes that says 10 thousand, not a typo!

        Reply ↓
      4. metadata minion*

        Plenty of people embrace new technology quickly, but it’s not ageist to comment that you’re most comfortable with the technology you used while coming of age. I, an older Millennial, can use new-fangled social media, and there are some things about newer apps that I really like, but my comfort zone is still the late-90s-style message board. That’s a pretty common pattern in how humans work, and it’s only problematic to point that out if you assume I *can’t* learn to use TikTok or I automatically must yearn for Livejournal because of my age.

        Reply ↓
        1. Worldwalker*

          YOU may be most comfortable with the technology you grew up with, but that’s not true of everyone. Admittedly my 100-year-old mother only got a smartphone a few years ago because I told her it was a good idea, but she loves it and uses it constantly. She certainly doesn’t want to return to pre-WW2 technology.

          I’m an early adopter myself. I don’t use something just *because* it’s new (usually) but I certainly don’t reject it for that reason either. I was building websites by hand when the Web was only a year or two old, and I’ve had people within the past year (“people” as in more than one) ask if I knew how to use the Web.

          Don’t assume.

          Reply ↓
      5. KatCardigans*

        Wow, nice drive-by at “fragile Millennials and Zoomers.” Great to see how you practice what you preach. Doesn’t reinforce stereotypes about older generations at all.

        Reply ↓
      6. honeygrim*

        I don’t know that the LW is being ageist. I parsed their sentence as “I’m Gen-X so [I am] comfortable with computers, but [I am] not so [comfortable] with social media that isn’t mainstream.” As someone else said, I think the LW was just explaining their own comfort level. They’re good with computers, but they aren’t familiar with social media beyond the most well-known options.

        Reply ↓
  12. Bilateralrope*

    For LW1, is it just me, or are these also worrying signs:

    >hired into a lower position and immediately promoted by this man

    >He is very stern with other people, but still outgoing and friendly.

    It sounds like he’s treating the LW better than other employees. That is not the sign of a good boss.

    > But he makes sure we speak every day, even if one or both of us is off.

    Also not a good sign. You do not want a boss who calls you on your days off, unless it is something so urgent that it can’t wait until you’re back at work.

    But my advice is the same as others have given. Push back on how close he stands behind you. His reaction will tell you how worried you need to be. The only thing different I’d suggest is to ask other employees if he also calls them every day.

    Reply ↓
      1. Ashley*

        Yes! The sunshine name was a major flag to me.

        As you figure out how to deal with this, a good first step is to not have your phone with you on your days off aka pretend you didn’t his call / message.

        Reply ↓
    2. 1234*

      Oh yes! LW – trust your instincts. As women we are often told not to trust ourselves, gaslit into not listening to our gut. If this man had only good intentions, you wouldn’t have written this letter.
      And be very aware of any retaliation when you ask him to back off – little comments, reduced exposure, changing the goalposts.
      Be careful.

      Reply ↓
      1. Mark Knopfler’s Headband*

        Without seeing how he reacts to being asked to keep his (physical) distance, it doesn’t seem to me as if it’s possible to say whether he has good intentions or not. I actually don’t think he does, based on the letter, but that’s an educated guess.

        Reply ↓
    3. Insert Clever Name Here*

      I gasped at OP being able to feel his chest when he stands behind her, and cringed at him making an effort to talk to her even on days one of them is off work. I’d add to stop answering his calls on days OP is off, assuming the position is one where there truly isn’t a work need to talk.

      Reply ↓
      1. Michigander*

        If I can feel anyone but my spouse or children breathing because of how close they stand to me, I am immediately moving two feet in the opposite direction.

        Reply ↓
    4. JustCuz*

      He is love bombing her and thus creating a likely tit for tat or quid pro quo (lets hope not) situation. A lot of really unethical bosses like sycophants. These same bosses destroy companies and derail their “loyal” teams’ careers too. So even if this isn’t some kind of sexual grooming, it is still something LW should run away from. You don’t want to learn work place norms and how to do your job from a manipulator.

      Reply ↓
  13. michaela*

    Re: Layoffs
    100%
    I work in a federal adjacent sector, think companies who provide services for e.g. USAID or CDC. The consequences are brutal. Layoffs and furloughs are legion.

    Reply ↓
    1. BellStell*

      My NGO is facing layoffs due to the cuts, but also in many cities (obviously incl DC) where there is a Fed presence, I have heard a statistic that for every 1 Fed worker, 3 jobs in other sectors are linked. So, yeah. I am seeing it already is some other orgs too. The layoffs are only part of the bad stuff happening and the economic consequences are going to be bad, globally and especially in the USA.

      Reply ↓
    2. Brain the Brian*

      Likewise. I’m extremely lucky to still have a job right now in my sector. I have so many friends who have lost their jobs at private companies because of the speed with which the federal dollars that until last month helped fund their positions are being frozen. Sigh.

      Reply ↓
    3. Person from the Resume*

      I think we’re headed for another Great Depression.

      Federal employees laid off. Government contractors out of work. Both are suddenly saving money and not spending. People who sell to them lose jobs. The higher prices of food and goods cause families with jobs to spend less. More people lose jobs.

      It’s going to be bad.

      Reply ↓
      1. CatDude*

        Yep. Federal spending, and the jobs it provides, is critical to the economy. These massive cuts are going to tank our economy.

        Reply ↓
        1. Charlotte Lucas*

          I read an analysis that basically said if this doesn’t stop, we’re heading to an economic breakdown at least as bad as the Great Recession.

          For anyone who thinks you should run the government like a business, I would like to remind you that they serve two different purposes, and it would be just as foolish to run a business like a government.

          Reply ↓
          1. CatDude*

            Yea, running a public service for a profit motive just doesn’t work. As an example, look at US healthcare. We spend more and for worse outcomes than any other developed country – and it’s a direct result of running what should be a public service as a business instead.

            Reply ↓
    4. No Tribble At All*

      Yes, a friend of mine had basically her whole company shut down bc they’re funded by a grant from USAID :(

      They even revoked everyone who was abroad

      Reply ↓
    5. Blue Pen*

      My employer is a private research institution, and the NIH cuts (although I suppose that’s on “pause” for now) will hit us very hard. I think we’re big enough to weather that storm for the most part, but I worry for my research colleagues who are situated in that area. Even if our jobs are “safe,” if the cuts go through, I would fully expect some kind of institutional-wide announcement to go out about hiring and promotion freezes.

      Reply ↓
    6. Tom*

      And besides the actual layoffs and furloughs, there’s the “return to office” mandates that are just “quiet layoffs”. My friend was just told that he needs to return to the office or take a position with a lower salary to stay remote. The office that he’s supposed to report to is short by 75 seats, so it’s clear that the company is just trying to reduce salary costs.

      Reply ↓
  15. Rain*

    I am continually amazed at Alison’s ability to give a well-thought-out answer to these “is this person being a creep” descriptions while also holding on to the (imo, slim) possibility that the person is really just clueless. My reaction is usually just an incoherent “AAAAAAH” followed by Whoopi Goldberg’s line from Ghost: “You in danger, girl!”

    Reply ↓
    1. Mark Knopfler’s Headband*

      I could see someone on spectrum making that mistake, so I would say a gentle reminder is usually worth trying. Once.

      Reply ↓
  16. Ellis Bell*

    OP1, this is so unfair to you if your instincts are right (and I believe them because most of its just accurately reading weird and inappropriate stuff). Some key phrases for this situation, that you might find helpful: “I’ll just slide the laptop over here, I don’t want to get you sick” (even better if you’re obviously not sick), “Oh I’m so claustrophobic, can you just back up a little”, “Oh, okay, can I have a little elbow room though? thanks!”, “Oh there isn’t room for me, can you slide over?” On the eye contact thing, try to tie it to the context of what’s being said, as though obviously it’s not a hidden message and you just want to understand. “Why do you look so serious, though if the reports are all fine? You’re hardly blinking, what I am not getting?” or “That’s a nice compliment but you look so serious that I’m confused! Everything is okay right?” On the irrelevant compliments and endearments, pin everything relentlessly to the work and to professionalism “It’s nice that you think I’m amazing, but I’m not sure exactly what we’re referring to?” “I always appreciate your support, but I’m getting very general feedback; sometimes I’m struggling to pinpoint exactly what I did right.” and “Ha, it’s so friendly how you call me Sunshine, but I actually prefer Xena”. If he contacts you on your day off, don’t respond until the next working day if possible”Oh I was unplugged yesterday, but thanks!” Good luck OP, and these are just suggestions because your instincts will know best.

    Reply ↓
  17. Mouse*

    Slack could be a good solution for LW5! I don’t know what the pricing looks like, but I’m in a few communities that use it and you can share files and restrict access.

    Reply ↓
  18. Beth**

    #4 could be one of several things.

    Some industries seem to have regular layoffs as part of their business model. They are constantly changing strategy and that means some roles/people are no longer needed.

    In some cases, there will be knock on effects from the federal cuts. Government gets a lot of services from private sector companies and they may be seeing the writing on the wall and starting to make cuts.

    Then there are the completely unrelated companies selling services to individuals, some of whom are federal workers. If your job is at risk/gone, you’re probably going to postpone that kitchen renovation, Lasik surgery or trip to Disney World. You will probably also spend less on eating out, buying clothes etc. These changes will take longer to come through, but they will lead to job losses at some point.

    Anyone who thinks you can indiscriminately cut trillions from the federal budget without affecting the private sector or economic growth has an interesting understanding of economics.

    Reply ↓
    1. Mark Knopfler’s Headband*

      If you want to squeeze inflation out of the system, these kind of cuts are great for exactly this reason – they dampen growth. The human cost, though…

      Reply ↓
  19. Disappointed With the Staff*

    #5 depends a lot on what “discussion” means. If you want a public forum for random chat Mastodon is good. For topic-specific or closed groups where search/archive isn’t wanted Discord works. For topic specific with archiving/search web forums are IMO better. If people post a lot of images/files a web forum you control might be better (there are hosting providers who have this as a “tick the box” level setup)

    There are old school BBS/web forms around and those are not too hard to setup up, or more likely find one that suits your usual topics and go there.

    Joining a mastodon server would be another useful social space. Each one tends to have a focus but relatively few restrict users to that focus. The archiving and search are better than discord and there’s decent facilities to maintain a cordial environment. If there’s more than a thousand of you it might be worth paying someone to host an instance for you (and even set up and do tech support for you, if that’s not already something hosting providers offer)

    One problem with BlueSky is that Jack Dorsey has form for selling social platforms to problematic people. So while it’s ok right now, don’t get too attached.

    Reply ↓
  20. Michigander*

    I find “he makes sure we speak every day, even if one or both of us is off” to be one of the more worrying aspects (along with standing so close that you can feel him breathe, which would immediately send me jumping 2 feet away). No matter what his intentions, it shows bad boundaries. Does he message EVERYONE when he’s off/they’re off for the day? He doesn’t properly understand what a day off means and doesn’t have a good work/life balance. Does he only message you, but he has platonic intentions? He doesn’t understand that managers shouldn’t single out an employee to try to become friends with like that. Does he only message you because he has romantic intentions? Bad for obvious reasons.

    Reply ↓
    1. MK*

      The issue isn’t really “trusting your gut”, it’s that it’s better to safe than sorry (or even, safe and sorry) than just sorry. OP has nothing to lose by treating this seriously: if she is wrong and the boss is just clueless, he will react like the good person OP wants to beleive he is and accept her boundaries.

      Reply ↓
      1. Mark Knopfler’s Headband*

        Agreed – and to be frank, gut feelings are often wrong, especially given how influenced they are by cultural norms. It might make sense to assume the absolute worst in a case of imminent danger, but that isn’t what the LW presents.

        I think the boss is fully aware of what he’s doing. But after observing his reaction, LW will know for sure.

        Reply ↓
        1. bamcheeks*

          I’m not super keen on the advice “trust your gut” for these reasons, but I do quite strongly believe in “listen to your gut, and ask it some clarifying questions to figure out whether it’s reacting to genuinely worrying behaviour or something else”.

          Women get mega gaslit (in the formal sense of trying to make you doubt your perceptions) with the double whammy of “you should have known what he was thinking” / “wow you’re really up yourself, not everyone who’s nice to you fancies you” from a young age, and it really does make us less safe by teaching us to ignore and squash those feelings. Learning to at least recognise and check in with feelings of discomfort is genuinely important, IMO. It takes practice to calibrate “yep, definitely unnerved by some weird boundary-crossing behaviour” from “fear of difference”, but that’s all the more reason to pay attention to those feelings and figure out whcih is which, not to dismiss them straight off.

          Reply ↓
        2. Nodramalama*

          In my experience, a woman’s first instinct about whether a man is being creepy is being creeped. We’re taught by society to rationalise and explain away, and excuse our first instinct.

          Reply ↓
    2. Please think of the POCs*

      Trusting your gut is what leads to POCs being marginalized (white folk not getting into elevators and crossing the street to avoid Black men). It may make you feel safer but that perception comes at a cost to those around you.

      Reply ↓
      1. Nodramalama*

        Ok, but that’s not the situation here. The situation is whether a womans initial instinct of whether a man who is her boss is being inappropriate.

        Reply ↓
          1. Ellis Bell*

            Not really, because as Bamcheeks said women are conditioned to ignore and excuse male behaviour so thinking of unconscious bias actually works in reverse here. I wouldn’t compare it to unfairly judging PoC (even though that is definitely a thing that happens!), but rather to PoC being told they don’t know what racism is, or that they are being too sensitive when they perceive different treatment. Also when people say ‘trust your instinct’ the ‘ and investigate further’ bit is implicit.

            Reply ↓
            1. Shinespark*

              I think that commenter was responding more to Shrinking Violet’s comment of “always trust your gut” being valuable advice from police officers.

              While it doesn’t address the letter writer directly, I do think it’s worth being aware of what “trust your gut” from the police can result in.

              Reply ↓
    3. CatDude*

      LW2 – Your discomfort with seeing a co-worker’s skin is definitely a you problem (and I appreciate it that you recognize that; many would not). Leave this alone.

      Reply ↓
    4. nalways*

      hmm, that’s kind of how police officers sometimes end up shooting unarmed POC though…
      listen to your gut, but try and work out what it’s saying and why it’s saying it before taking drastic actions

      Reply ↓
  22. Snubble*

    I’m hoping question 2 isn’t about me – I don’t think it is, because I am not so early in my career – but I’ve had the “don’t inject insulin where people can see you” conversation at multiple workplaces. I need everyone to understand that a bathroom is not a safe place to inject. I know people don’t wash their hands and every surface has germs on, but a bathroom is another level of dirty and you want me to put my needles and insulin pen down on the bathroom floor so I can do it in a cubicle? you think I can balance everything on my knees? you want me standing by the sinks? People are pissing in there. Would you inject yourself two feet from an open urinal?

    I would personally be happy to use a private space, but in a lot of places, those are hard to find. Meeting rooms have big windows and are not consistently available, offices are open plan, breakrooms are a shared space. If you have a genuinely private, genuinely available space for injections, I think you can ask your colleague to use that, but I think it’s unlikely that you do.

    I wouldn’t wear a crop top to the office, but I think a bit of visible tummy skin as part of a necessary medical process is OK. It’s in the “outside norms of professional dress” area, not the “you are naked” zone.

    (We could all probably benefit from rotating our injection sites more often, but the other good place to inject is in the thighs… so I use my stomach unless I’m alone in my own home.)

    You will see people say that injection isn’t urgent, and that’s kind of true, but it’s not urgent in the sense of you won’t immediately go into a coma. If you don’t inject you can’t eat, and if your blood sugars are shaky you may need to take rescue insulin to get them back, and delaying that is very uncomfortable and causes problems in the long run. You don’t have to enjoy seeing someone inject, but I think you do have to live with it. Sometimes you are going to have to see people being disabled.

    Reply ↓
    1. Lady Lessa*

      Thank you for your insight. Especially about the germiness of restrooms. I like the ones where I can put down the cover before I flush, but not every place has them.

      Reply ↓
    2. Ellis Bell*

      This really reminds me of the discussions around pumping breastmilk and how often people are told to do it in a toilet cubicle – because it is literally the only private space in most offices, not because it is at all suitable.

      Reply ↓
      1. Snubble*

        Yes! Exactly. The bathroom isn’t a good place for it, it’s in fact a bad place for it, but it’s the only place with four walls and no windows, so it gets suggested for everything from preparing baby’s meals to calling your lawyer.

        Reply ↓
  23. T1d*

    Insulin is part of eating for everyone, but some of us don’t make our own. (NB it’s not a medication, just a hormone.) Just let us do what we need to do, give everybody some grace, and rejoice in your own working pancreas!

    Reply ↓
    1. Sparky*

      Hormones can be medications. Medication is a pretty broad term that refers to a variety of substances used to treat particular medical conditions, including some hormones when they’re taken for that purpose. When doctors ask “What medications are you taking?” they definitely don’t want you to omit hormones from the list!

      Reply ↓
  24. Ess in Tee*

    Does anyone else feel like LW1’s boss’s constant mentioning of his wife feels like a plausible deniability move? “What do you mean, I’ve been acting inappropriately? I’m a happily married man! Everyone knows that!”

    Reply ↓
    2. BatManDan*

      Bringing up the wife could have several motives, all bad. (“Bad,” as in, part of his plan to low-key test the waters with the employee to see where it could go. Source: in my younger, less-enlightened / less-principled days, I *could* have been that guy.)

      Reply ↓
  25. Glengarry Glenn Close*

    #2 reminds me of the letter from a while back where someone had taken his shirt off at the office while waiting for a Covid vaccine and people were bothered. Just leave it alone!

    Reply ↓
  26. NYer*

    LW4. If anyone is familiar with Northern Virginia, they can see in Tysons Corner the HUGE facilities for the major consulting companies (Booz Allen, Accenture, etc). I suspect they will have major layoffs. Not also possible to repurpose people from their government consulting groups to other groups, and if someone is on the bench for a while, they likely get laid off.

    The NIH is saying they will cut the overhead part of grants (form about 28% of direct costs to 10%, which is apparently what many foundations pay). This will likely result in cuts at universities and medical programs. Penn has already cut graduate students.

    Some not for profits that are heavily dependent on the federal government grants will have to have cuts.

    Also, the Department of Defense is already saying some weapons being designed they don’t even want.

    So yes, there will be private sector layoffs, but I think they will be localized and very specific. What is making in worse, imho, it is already a tough time for white collar workers and employers seem to want a perfect match on experience/education.

    Reply ↓
  27. Bookworm*

    LW4: I’m sorry to say but yes. I don’t have any specific info (company names, numbers, etc.) but anecdotally I just had an appointment with someone who talked about another client of hers whose husband was let go from a company despite a 10+ tenure with them. Unfortunately it is directly related to what’s happening at the federal government level (he was even warned about the possibility) and I know someone else who is considered a “contractor” with the USG and is currently in limbo (no definitive info either way–despite being in a field that you’d think was considered absolutely critical for public safety/health/security!)

    This is not to scare you but as companies do have contracts with the federal government it might be worth brushing up on your resume, etc.

    And not to get political or stir up anything, I would *strongly* urge you to contact your elected officials (regardless of party) to express your concerns. People have been doing that so there are lots of guides and resources out there if you’re nervous or don’t know what to say, etc. Good luck!

    Reply ↓
  28. Glomarization, Esq.*

    LW#1 should start writing down all these incidents and consider taking them to HR. The boss’s behavior likely violates the company code of conduct and might be actionable for discipline.

    Not that the LW shouldn’t also move their body away from the boss when he does these things! But there’s more that the LW can do to self-empower in this scenario and try to get this behavior shut down.

    Reply ↓
  29. CatDude*

    LW2 – Your discomfort with seeing a co-worker’s skin is definitely a you problem (and I appreciate it that you recognize that; many would not). Leave this alone.

    Reply ↓
  30. Nicosloanicota*

    #3 mediocre reference – I don’t know, I think if it were me and I had an employee who was laid off through no fault of her own, I’d feel the company’s failure to meet its end of the deal kind of canceled out the employee’s failure to perform as well as you would have liked. I mean, if she has other better references (and you hired her, so maybe she does) it’s good to steer her to those rather than you … but sometimes the former manager is required or they call without the employee’s permission, and I just wouldn’t want to tank her whole career after a layoff. She’s unemployed with no warning and you want to make sure she doesn’t get hired again? Can you be measured but neutral, or conversely, just use the old “I can only confirm dates of employment and that she was not fired for cause”? But, I guess I have more worker solidarity than management solidarity, these days.

    Reply ↓
  31. metadata minion*

    For #1, to give a comparative example of when a gut check turned out to be a false alarm, I have a coworker who stands *slightly* too close (but not as close as it sounds like your boss is standing!), and has a soft, intense voice that reads as somewhere between seductive and like he’s giving vital intel to a fellow agent between enemy lines. So when I first met him I was a bit weirded out. But it quickly became clear that he just has a slightly smaller personal space bubble than most people and a somewhat odd natural speaking register. He talks and acts this way to *everyone*, including upper management, and the content of what he says is never anything but professional. He’s just a bit of an odd duck, in a profession full of odd ducks.

    Your boss does not sound like he falls into this category.

    Reply ↓
  33. PokemonGoToThePolls*

    LW 5 – Delphi forums are an option. For a small fee you can have a completely private, invite-only old fashioned message board. I’m not totally sure how well it handles file sharing, but I know it’s an option – there’s also always dropbox/google drive/etc for this anyway
    I’m in a group that uses it and it’s been great.
    There are also other options if you don’t need it to be invite-only, but I’m not sure how those work or what they may cost. I know the invite-only one is $50/year for the board itself, free to members (we crowdsource this to keep the board private and safe)

    Reply ↓
  34. BatManDan*

    #1 – if other people are noticing that he’s “different” with you, then yes, he feel differently about you than the others, and that’s it’s own red flag.

    #5 Circle, Skool, Discord, Slack, WhatsApp (also a Meta product, full disclosure), etc etc.
    All have their plusses and minuses.

    Reply ↓
  35. WantonSeedStitch*

    How important is it to tell someone outright that any reference you give about them will be mixed? I had an employee who needed a lot of feedback and coaching on issues with their work. I was able to give that feedback and coaching in a timely fashion, and they were aware of the issues, but they still were weaker in those areas at the time they left. When they asked me to be a reference for another job change later on, I agreed. The reference I gave was mixed: I was honest about their shortcomings, but also made sure to enumerate their good points. They didn’t get that job, or the next one for which they asked me to be a reference. They have since gotten a new job, but I was not asked to be a reference that time. I can only imagine they must have realized I wasn’t providing a glowing reference. Did I do them wrong by not stating outright when they asked me to be a reference the first time that it wouldn’t be 100% positive? It’s not like they didn’t know those issues existed when they were working on my team.

    Reply ↓
  36. ICodeForFood*

    #4 – In terms of the federal layoffs affecting private employers, I know one employee and one contractor who work for a private non-governmental organization (NGO) which works with foreign aid but is not part of the federal government. The contractor has already been told that her work is over, and the employee has been furloughed for 90 days with the assumption that he will be laid off.
    As Bookworm and NYer said, firing thousands of federal workers will have effects at private employers and on the economy in general.

    Reply ↓

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